We just tried to send everybody home for the day. It's just Joe, Barry, Jesus and me. And it's Friday. So fuck it.

Apple

You totally care more about design and user experience than any other major tech company in the world, and, by and large, make the best products for real humans. That's great! (Amazing, really, since nobody else seems to be able to do it.) But I promise that you can be 20 percent less of a dick and still make great, beautifully designed products. Also, there's this thing called the internet; I hear you discovered it recently, and I'm really happy to hear that. I hope it's true. Oh, and iTunes really sucks balls. You should fix that.


Apple Press

Congrats! Your company won. You are correct, like you always predicted you would be. You can be less of a smug dick now too.


Google

You're incredibly adept at collecting and sorting massive chunks of the world's information. I'd probably die before going back to life before your mostly excellent internet services—namely Search and Gmail and Maps. They make my life better, for the most part. But why can't you fucking design a phone or tablet or anything social that's actually easy for real people to use? If I had to choose between giving my mom an Android phone or a fucking pair of tin cans with a string behind them, she'd be stuck carrying very large purses for the next 5 years. Let some living, breathing people design your products. Just once! It might blow you away. Like Google+!


Microsoft

The most mindblowing thing in technology right now is your inability to make products that people love (with very few exceptions). Brilliant, creative people work for you, and they have seriously incredible ideas. You have more money than Jesus Christ's rich uncle. I have these crazy high expectations, these hopes that you'll blow me away and you totally let me down. Just try making something other than an Xbox that I can fall madly in love with, and that more than 5 other people will buy because you didn't wait until 3 years after the rest of the market to launch it? Please? Also: I can't fucking believe you won't have a real tablet until 2012. I guess we can use it to liveblog the end of civilization. It better be so good Jesus Christ himself rides down to earth on it, if you're going to take that long. People like Skype, though, and Windows 8 looks alright maybe, so good job there. I guess.


Amazon

The only thing I haven't purchased from Amazon Prime is a house. And blow. But using your video or music or apps service is like hunting through a bag of dicks for the movie I want to watch. Hire like a designer, or six.


Netflix

I wanna marry you. But make your iPad app less shitty first.

Intel

Why aren't your chips in phones? That's like, dumb.

Nerds

You know more about technology than anybody else, and anybody who knows less than you is a total dipshit. I love you for that. But normal people deserve wonderful technology too. And half the shit you call computing—running custom ROMs, reinstalling OSes, fucking with network settings—is like a chef sharpening his knives over and over and calling that cooking. Real computing is the actual stuff you do—cutting videos, editing photos, writing. Or at least it should be. Not the shit people do to make all of that work.


A lot of other companies

I really fucking hate the way you cede so much ground to Apple. You just let them do the shit they do. Why couldn't you launch a decent tablet before the iPad? Why are your tablets still shittier than the iPad, for the most part? Why do your laptops still, by and large, look and feel crappier than MacBook Pros? (Exception: ThinkPads.) Why are most of your phones the same fucking way? Does Apple have some secret monopoly on making well designed, well constructed, easy-to-use gadgets? I want to love your products. I really really really do. Just make amazing shit. That's the only rule. Make. Amazing. Shit.


Image: Shutterstock.com/Radim Strojek