If, according to the actor Idris Elba, he is too old to be running around “chasing women” and therefore has written off his chances of being the next James Bond , I think it’s time for a lesbian to take up the challenge.

Idris Elba on James Bond odds: 'I'm too old for cars and ladies and martinis' Read more

Lesbians are never too old to be chasing women. Some of us don’t even come out until old age because we are railroaded into heterosexuality, and therefore have lots of catching up to do when we finally free ourselves from a mundane life washing boxer shorts.

Clearly, if an older lesbian, (I can’t help but model her on my 54-year-old self here), were to take on the role of Bond there would have to be a number of dramatic shifts in the style and appearance that has become somewhat of a boring stereotype. Out with the tuxedos and in with loose-fitting, practical dungarees. They are, after all, back in fashion, and are perfect for storing all the necessary spy equipment in the many pockets. Lezzer Bond’s backpack would be full of leaflets with which to scatter-bomb straight weddings, warning of impending doom, and badges bearing slogans such as YBA Wife, and Any Woman Can Be a Lesbian.

The Bond car would be replaced with a low-emission Mini, because Lezzer Bond cares about the environment. Guns and other weaponry would be swapped for gluten-free tofu and vegan cheese, served alongside KD Lang tracks on a loop, with which to torture her captives until they cough up whatever intelligence she is after.

International jobs would include swooping into Russia, not because Lezzer is looking for nuclear weapons intended to use to achieve world dominance, but to warn Vladimir Putin against his grotesque policies on the lesbian and gay community and other such human rights abuses. Lezzer Bond would do similar in the 80-odd countries around the globe that criminalise same-sex relationships.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘The iconic martini that the original Bond favours would have to be changed. I would suggest a pint of Stella with a sausage-roll chaser.’ Photograph: Allstar/United Artists

As a ploy to keep women from feeling they need men to do DIY, Lezzer Bond would cross rivers and drive cars up mountains to fix a shelf, open the gherkin jar or retune the TV remote control.

If Bond were a lesbian, women across the world would line up to be Moneypenny. I am thinking of the crime writer Val McDermid for this role, as she would be stern yet caring of Lezzer Bond, and would see baddies coming even before Bond did. McDermid is a first-class flirt, as is Lezzer Bond, so much time would be taken up with them teasing each other about who is best at arm-wresting and who would win in a line-dancing competition.

International jobs would include swooping into Russia to warn Vladimir Putin against his policies on the LGBT community

The iconic martini that the original Bond favours would have to be changed. I would suggest a pint of Stella with a sausage roll chaser. After all, if Lezzer Bond is going to be hurling herself over counters at B&Q to stop heterosexual men taking the last drill bit – so badly needed by a damsel in distress – she needs to be well nourished.

The theme tune would need to shift to something like the Power of Two by the Indigo Girls, and rather than play golf, Lezzer Bond would be a dab hand at playing pool with panache. She would make it her life’s mission to end male violence towards women, including shutting down the entire sex trade by capturing pimps and traffickers, and would lock up religious extremists that practice forced marriage, gay conversion therapy, and attacks on abortion doctors.

Even in this day and age it is extremely brave to be an out lesbian, and if Lezzer Bond is in her 50s and came out in her youth, she would have encountered threats and bigotry on a massive scale. This, I would argue, gives her the very qualities necessary to be the best ever Bond.