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WORKING off the top of her head having been caught completely off guard by the question, local Dublin woman Hannah Grealish would probably only change 40 to 50 things about current boyfriend John O’Dowd, much to O’Dowd’s dismay as he thought he was asking a fun, harmless question.

“I’d get you a new wardrobe, change your hair, get you to the gym to lose a bit of weight, gain a bit of height, fix your teeth,” Grealish said, rattling off things with an intense concentration as if she always knew this question would come up sooner or later and she had been preparing for it for her entire life.

O’Dowd, mistakenly presuming his partner of 18 months had finished her list, uttered “fuck me, wasn’t really being serious like” but he went unheard as Grealish barreled through yet more small imperfections and irritations which would hurt even the most thick-skinned of people.

“Your forehead’s too big, but sometimes it’s too small which is weird. Weird head. So I’d change that. I’d stop ya playing football on the weekends, the way you do get a runny nose after eating hot and spicy food.

“Maybe have you get a better job, read more smart people books, less time with your family, stop all contact with your friends – the female ones, only watch the Netflix shows I like but other than that nothing really babe, you’re perfect the way you are,” concluded Grealish before inhaling deeply in an attempt to recover her breath.

“Now, you go,” Grealish cheerily shared, unaware her boyfriend’s energy was currently all focused on preventing his keenly crafted sense of confidence collapsing in on itself.