Many harvests ago, I wrote a column about how to win a fight against 20 children. This column was very popular, and I vowed that I would write another one as soon as I completed all the terms of my resulting plea bargain and five-year probationary period.

Well, today is the future, and it shall be your doom, children.

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YOUR DOOM.

As is traditional with violent self-defense fantasies, first we're going to need to come up with some sort of pretext for why you might need to attack children with a stick. You know ... otherwise this could be considered immoral. So I guess please don't use any of this advice unless a group of children are breaking into your home or pursuing you through the corn or something.