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Though he refuses to confirm that he is not the Zodiac Killer, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz assured voters today that he will not fuck rats. Though it's hard to believe that a human or a rodent would go anywhere near Cruz, the candidate also confirmed that he will not have sex with his opponent, Donald Trump. As Cruz said so at a press conference today:

"Let me be clear: Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him."

This is a very clear statement. But why won't Cruz confirm the other animals he won't fuck? What about pigeons? They're rats with wings. What about mice? They're rats, but like not as bad. What about rodents, in general? Senator Cruz, can you please provide voters a list of animals that you will or will not have sex with?

Cruz also claimed that the National Enquirer story about his alleged extramarital affairs are "complete and utter lies."

It's ugly out there today.

Here's a palate cleanser:

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Matt Miller Culture Editor Matt is the Culture Editor at Esquire where he covers music, movies, books, and TV—with an emphasis on all things Star Wars, Marvel, and Game of Thrones.

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