Sabres General Manager Jack Eichel says he believes Jason Botterill is the perfect man for the fake job.

“Jason brings a ton of hockey knowledge and experience to this organization, and I can’t wait for him to start using his skill set in a way precisely dictated by me” said Eichel.

Eichel, the star player and recently self-appointed Buffalo GM (by what he describes as “divine snipe theory”), explained that during their search the Sabres considered tons of highly qualified candidates for the position of being a meaningless figurehead puppet.

“After looking around we just all became really excited by the direction that Jason can take this team“ Jack told us, seated upon a throne made out of hockey tape and empty Bud light bottles in the locker room.

He on went to add “and if it’s a direction I don’t like, well Jason has seen the fate of those who failed before him” as two strikingly familiar new water boys, Tim and Dan, worked diligently to create a moat of dip spit around GM Jack’s throne.