As some of you know, I’ve been off on vacation for the past week or so, which meant that I had to sit down last night and catch up on four Big Brother episodes in a row. Honestly, I thought I’d get through only about two and finish up the rest this morning, but luckily for me — for all of us really — this season is off to an amazing start. I simply could not turn off the TV. We’ve got an against-the-wall underdog (Elissa), a deplorable, racist villain (Aaryn), her cocky henchman (Jeremy), and a stupid martyr that has divided the house into nearly two factions (David). If you’re getting whiffs of Cappy, The Friendship, and the glories of season 6, you’re not alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am firmly on Team Mom Squad, which is bonkers since I normally can’t stand the parents on reality shows who cry for their left-at-home children. However, in the case of Elissa and Helen, even their overactive tear ducts don’t bother me, probably thanks to their pariah status at the hands of the cools kids (a.k.a. Aaryn, Kaitlin, and Jeremy). These women have done nothing wrong (as far as I can tell), and yet they’re treated like they’re covered in feces. Luckily, they’re not totally adrift in the world. Elissa and Helen have quiet support from Andy, Amanda, and Candice, the latter of whom has sniffed out The Moving Company (this year’s annoying, self-named early-season alliance). I haven’t really been following the live feeds, but I’m hoping that somehow this gang can rally the troops and save The Mom Squad. It’s certainly a Hail Mary though, and I don’t have high expectations…



“Sometimes in the morning I sing the Folgers theme song, but I change the words to ‘The best part of waking up is white people ruling the world.’ Really gets me going!”



“I don’t like the way that queer is staring at me. Oh wait. It’s just a fern.”



“I have to go talk to Aaryn for five minutes. I really want to get to know her so that I don’t make the same mistakes with my children.”



Aaryn: “I’m so glad you came to talk to me. I appreciate you being upfront and not sneaky like the rest of your people.”

Helen: “Bitch, say what?”



“Helen, when you talk, all I hear is ‘ching chong ching.'”

“I’m sorry. That’s Korean for YOU’RE AWFUL.”



“I NEED A SILKWOOD SHOWER.”



GinaMarie: “How about you come in the shower with me and look at my breasts and stick your penis in my vagina? Huh? Huh??”



“SILKWOOD SHOWER.”



“Oh sweet, delusional GinaMarie. How can I put this delicately? I rollerblade. A LOT.”



“Rollerblade? Is that like when you put your chin in my breasts and shake around?”



“No. It’s when you actually ROLLERBLADE. Sometimes in cutoffs.”



“Oh. So you’d be having sex with me in rollerblades? I can do that.”



“What I’m trying to say is that you are not my type. On a purely biological level.”



“I hate biology. But you know what I love? CHEMISTRY. Which we have.”



“I’m not sure about that.”



“If we don’t have chemistry, what do you call this?”



“Me barely tolerating you.”



“I don’t know what that words means. Does it mean chemistry?”



“No.”



“Does it mean love?”



“No.”



“Wait…”



“Does it mean chemistry?”



GinaMarie: “When we finally kiss, it will be amazing.”

Nick: “That will never happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because I hate you.”

“Haha, you’re funny.”



“I’m about to go into beast mode. But first I have to have an important thought about teepees.”



“Yeah… that was a good thought.”



Elissa: “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Andy is hosting a free gaydar seminar in the kitchen, and I thought you might be interested, GinaMarie.”



“I wonder if anyone will ever find out I used to be in a stop-motion children’s movie.”



“I can’t help but sense that somewhere in this world, a ginger, an Oriental, and a black are uniting…”



“WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE REAL AMERICA??”



“I don’t understand why I have to put together a mobile. This is a job for the Hispanics.”



“I’m so bland.”



Jeremy: “Honey, I need you to stop talking because you bore the hell out of me.”



“Hey Nick, are you going to vote me out?”

“Ummmmmmm…”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“Ummmmmm…”

“Can you give me an answer?”

“Uhhhh… sorry, I can’t talk. Gotta go have sex with GinaMarie.”



Nick: “If I drink this water, she’ll NEVER know what I’m truly thinking. Nick outfoxes them again!!!”



“I look like the vampire mom from Twilight.”



Aaryn: “I love a white man in a bandana. Heck, I just love white men.”



“Put on the block? Not a problem for a single, straight man, WHICH I AM.”



“I want YOU… to listen to my overly rehearsed lines.”

What did you think about the show? Thoughts on the season so far?

Also, don’t forget to check out the new Big Brother web show I’m doing with Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Matt Whitfield (Yahoo!) tonight. It’s called The TV Clique: Big Brother. We’re at youtube.com/thetvclique. Subscribe to the channel. New episode will be posted tonight after the live eviction!