CUTS to Britain’s armed forces mean the country will be ‘left on the sidelines’ when America invades China.

Robert Gates, former US defence secretary, stressed that Britain would no longer be America’s ‘full crazy partner in war’.

He said: “Your military will be dropping food from its only helicopter while the US Marines are surging towards Shanghai for reasons that will never be fully explained.

“The war with China will be one of the craziest ever fought. You’re going to miss out on something completely mental.”

But UK defence secretary Philip Hammond insisted the cuts would make the armed forces more efficient at a wide range of utterly stupid and pointless things.

He added: “When America invades China Britain will be there with the helicopter, Tank 1 and Tank 2 and, of course, HMS Ship.

“Britain will not stand idly by while China tries to steal some tiny islands from Japan. Or is it the other way around? Or is it Taiwan?

“Actually, don’t tell me. It’s better when I have absolutely no idea.”