(We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

Me: “Um–”

Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay p*rn would scare him, should I show him straight p*rn? I really really want a gay son.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old p*rn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”