Ahead of the big game, Goal.com takes a satirical look at what will happen before, during and after Saturday night's Derby d'Italia

Calc me if you can | Massimo Moratti then steals Conte's wig and runs off



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By Carlo Garganese & Peter StauntonPlease note the below is only a bit of fun - don't take it too seriously10) Like at a theme park, each of the 22 starters has to pay €100,000 before setting foot on the pitch in an attempt to keep the Italian economy going for another 24 hours. Silvio Berlusconi spends the money on a Bunga Bunga party.9) Sulley Muntari misses the game after setting a new personal record of 72 hours uninterrupted sleep 8) Christian Chivu creates four one-on-one chances ... all missed by Mirko Vucinic. Chivu also earns a penalty ... again missed by Vucinic.7) Ricky Alvarez almost outpaces an opponent for the first time in his career, but Luca Toni just beats him to the substitutes bench.6) After watching Milos Krasic run the ball out of play for the 12th time, Antonio Conte 'pulls his hair out' but a little too vigorously, leaving his wig in his hands and his baldy Homer Simpson bonce exposed for all to see.5) Not for the first time during a Derby d'Italia, there are accusations of racism. John Terry, watching the game in the stands, denies all charges.4) A spectator is arrested for launching fireworks onto the pitch. Mario Balotelli later apologises for his actions.3) As a gift, Massimo Moratti finally agrees to hand back the 2006 Scudetto. "I've thought long and hard about this decision," explains the oil tycoon, "but Guido Rossi deserves it."2) Twitter crashes at full time ... due to Wesley Sneijder sending an infinite number of love-tweets to his wife Yolanthe von Cabau.1) After Eljero Elia publicly announces that he hates Lucio, the Inter defender vows to take revenge but is unable to find the ex-Hamburg man. Elia has the last laugh as he dribbles past Lucio to score the winner ... on FIFA 12.