Heaven—

The Halfway Post caught up with God once again for another interview to check in on His opinion of human affairs. The following dialogue has been lightly edited for clarity:

THP: So, God, what do you think of Your Creation, how are we doing?

GOD: The logarithms, frankly, with you people have gotten way out of whack. America, what is happening to you? Don’t get Me wrong—you’re still My favorite country—but conservatives have truly lost their minds. The political Right in America is going haywire, and I’m enjoying watching where it goes next. I mean, I know I did kind of a lazy job programming your little animal brains, but conservatives in America are the least obedient people on planet Earth, which is ironic because they never shut up about loving Me and doing what I say and living how I want. Yeah, right. I couldn’t roll my eyes fast enough for that load of crap. These evangelicals are all too busy pretending to pray to Me for school shootings, and abortion, and yadda yadda yadda to notice that they’re not acting like Me at all. They claim to be pro-life, but they don’t give a crap when the Trump Administration is caught keeping toddlers detained in concentration camps underneath highway overpasses, and conservatives have totally ignored Trump’s abandonment of all democratic and personal values. They have failed literally every test of moral character I’ve given them. They’re just asking for a plague. Or maybe boils. It’d be funnier to give them all boils, don’t you think? No matter what Trump does, they’re like little, dumb lemmings marching in a personality cult. They think Trump is bigger than Jesus. They aren’t supposed to, you know? “No other Gods before Me” and all that jazz. I mean, I f****** wrote it down on a stone tablet for you homosexua—er, sapiens I mean. I was not referencing the LGBTQ community in any way there. It was mere scientific classification. Yeesh, that was close. I’d never hear the end of it from the social justice warriors. But, holy cow, these conservatives are just letting Trump get away with straight up robbing America because Trump says racist things. These Trump-loving Evangelicals, they are going straight to Hell. It’s great entertainment watching them sign their names to eternal contracts with Satan though. Like TV. Oh, man, TV is good these days isn’t it? You know, I really love all these murder mystery shows Netflix is doing. Netflix has this weird thing for murder right now, but I eat all that stuff up. Murder is so creepy. I don’t know—maybe it’s because I’m all immortal and stuff, but something about dying just really creeps me out, you know? Well—I guess you don’t.

THP: What do you think about all these Fox News commentators like Jeanine Pirro and Tucker Carlson getting into trouble and losing all their advertisers?

GOD: Ha! Fuck ’em. They deserve it. They’ve just gotten lazy with their white supremacy. It’s so passé. If you really want to be a racist everyone knows you gotta be subtle and chill with it, right? I mean, I don’t understand why so many conservatives have so much trouble with this stuff—they invented dog-whistle racism! Fox News hosts are getting dumber, they really are. Republicans used to be clever enough to never directly say “brown people don’t belong in America,” and “Muslims can’t be Americans” and that kind of stuff, and they would use all these crafted dog whistles that had staying power for whole decades—like “forced bussing,” “states’ rights,” “reefer madness,” “sharia law,” “welfare queens,” and “school choice” and all that stuff. Nixon was a pro at that. Now you have Tucker Carlson basically being KKK-lite on primetime television.

THP: Where do you go when you want to get away for a bit of vacation?

GOD: Neptune. It’s like a giant sauna. I can just sit in Neptune for weeks. I feel so fresh and relieved every time I come back. You should try it—well, I guess you can’t. You know, My life as Creator of all things is just so great. You’ll just never understand I suppose. Oh, hey, sorry to cut this short, but Ted Cruz just started looking at smut on his Twitter, so I’m gonna make him accidentally heart a video. Ah, Teddy. Such a freak of a person.

THP: Thanks for the interview God.

(Picture courtesy of Aramis Funkographer.)

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