Two hundred and fifty years ago, in what I’m sure is a riveting poem, William Cowper was the first to say, “Variety’s the very spice of life / That gives it all its flavour.” This platitude—now shortened to simply, “Variety is the spice of life”—applies to all manners of sublime pleasures. Spices, for example. Ten thousand kinds of spices a happy life can make. Variety in kinds of sex to be had or music one can listen to or reasons to justify impeachment are all things that make life what it is: cool and good.

William Cowper is dead now, which is lucky for him, because if he were alive, I would personally take him to task for a different kind of varietal pandemonium that he hath wrought, one that is far from cool or goodness. Because Cowper first said that an assortment of options add color to an otherwise meaningless existence, he should—by extension—be held punitively responsible for the ungodly creation of Limeade Oreos, Snyder’s Hot Buffalo Wings Pretzel Pieces, and Cherry Cordial M&Ms.

I need to tell you this, so please listen: there are simply too many flavors now.

When I was a teen, I remember having a debate with some friends about which was the best flavor of Doritos. Yes, we were extremely high. The debate was spirited, not only because Doritos are a very dear and precious topic to high schoolers, but because, with only two options from which to choose, our arguments had to be solid and reasoned. Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese: there can be only one.

Today, there are at minimum 714 different flavors of Dorito. “2010 saw the release of three successively spicy ‘Degree Burn’ flavors (Blazin' Jalapeño/Jalapeño Fire, Fiery Buffalo and Scorchin' Habanero), cross promoted to ‘cool down’ with Pepsi's lime ‘Cease Fire/Max Citrus Freeze,’ and the wasabi flavored Mr. Dragon's Fire Chips,” has to be one of the crazier sentences I’ve read on the Doritos Wikipedia page, which my web browser says I’ve visited “many times.”

Amy Lombard

Somewhere along the way, major snack brands flew too close to the sun. No one disagrees that rosemary and olive oil Triscuits provide a built-in flavor profile to otherwise bland goat cheese and celery hor d'oeuvres, but fig & honey Triscuits are no replacement for what figs and honey already do. Orange Tic Tacs are a delicious snack to eat when your blood sugar is dropping rapidly and it’s all you can find in your purse; Fruit Adventure Tic Tacs make the adventure of fainting in public seem worth it. Taco Night Pringles were recalled in 2010 over fears they were contaminated with salmonella. I can contaminate my family with salmonella without the help of flavored chips, thank you.