Your mom probably doesn't want to have sex with you.

I work hard at not judging. Glass houses and whatnot. But that's a good thing, right? Your mom not wanting to sleep with you? Because, ew?

I don't know to what extent incestuous relationships' taboo classification is a byproduct of biological trial-and-error and documented birth defects, or something culturally driven, and everyone just sort of looked around at each other once and agreed: "Yeah, not banging family members sounds like a good rule! I'm on board! Shouldn't be a problem because I just naturally don't want to anyway! Because, ew!"

The reason isn't important.

But for your marriage's sake, being aware of this general reality is helpful. Because no matter how many times you sarcastically remind your wife that she's not your mother and you wish she'd stop acting like it, she often feels like your mother.

This is bad for your sex life.

And, gone unchecked, a precursor to the death of your marriage.

What I Meant To Say...

You may be aware of this, and are sick of hearing about it (like I am), but I wrote a post called She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink which several million people read. Depending on who you ask, I'm either a genius who saves marriages, or a huge pussy whose wife actually left -- not because of dishes -- but because I'm a huge pussy.

A bunch of guys developed heartburn over a particular passage, and even though close to 100-percent of them will never read this, I'll selfishly feel better having addressed -- and hopefully, clarified -- my stance.

...

From the "dishes" post:

"But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It's why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is 'I got this,' and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.

"I always reasoned: 'If you just tell me what you want me to do, I'll gladly do it.'

"But she didn't want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.

"She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.

"I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time."

Let's Take a Closer Look

"But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It's why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is 'I got this,' and then take care of whatever needs taken care of."

This does NOT mean, every day of my life, my wife bossed me around. It does not mean I awaited her instruction on how I could be her little man-servant and cater to her every whim.

Here's what it does mean:

My wife was awesome about keeping the house clean and organized. She ALWAYS did -- hell, I don't know -- 65- or 70-ish percent of every house chore (dating back to my college apartment when we first got together).

Like many adults, we both grew up watching our moms do most of the housework while our dads went off to work and mostly stuck to "man chores" like mowing grass, shoveling snow, sanding and staining decks, cleaning the gutters, taking out the trash, etc.

Because I wasn't as self-aware in my youth as I am now, I didn't identify the imbalanced workload.

But here's the key part: My wife -- usually on Saturdays -- wanted to clean the house. I would have been happy to wait an extra week or two because I don't enjoy cleaning in the same way you don't want to bang your parents. But I wasn't going to sit around watching SportsCenter while my wife scrubbed toilets, and vacuumed floors, and dusted furniture, and wiped down bathroom vanities. Even I'm not THAT big of an asshole.

And the second key part: We brought our baby boy home from the hospital and if you're anything like me, it was VERY surreal and every minute afterward for several months, you're like: "What the hell do I do now?"

But my wife wasn't like me at all. She talked to lots of other moms and prepared herself for some of the challenges of caring for newborns. She read the baby books. The ones Seth Rogan didn't want to read in Knocked Up. The ones I didn't read, either.

...

"I always reasoned: 'If you just tell me what you want me to do, I'll gladly do it.'"



I wasn't asking my wife to boss me around.

I was asking my wife to HELP ME help her. Read that sentence again, guys. I wanted to help my wife. I did. But instead of actually being helpful, I put the burden of responsibility on her to manage her life, our baby's life, AND my life. It was the most stressful time physically, psychologically, and emotionally my wife had ever been through. The health and wellbeing of her and my little son rested entirely on her being the best mother possible. And instead of putting in the work to support those efforts the best I could, I totally abandoned her to do all the "baby work" alone, while I sat around daydreaming of the future when I would be throwing the football around with him in the backyard.

We totally do that now too. My little son and I. It's great.

But instead of mom watching from the deck with a drink and a smile, she has a new mailing address.

"Women's Work" is Logistically the Hardest I've Ever Done

Many sons grow up hero-worshipping, or at least modeling behavior after, their fathers. Dad watches sports on TV, and does "man chores," and probably makes most of the money.

Mom cleans and folds their clothes, vacuums their bedroom, replenishes the refrigerator and pantry, cleans their pubic hairs from showers, washes dishes after dinner, and packs lunches.

But mom has an even-harder job.

Mom manages the schedule for EVERYONE in her family. Not just for herself, but for her children's school, medical and extracurricular needs; her pets' veterinarian appointments, and her husband's stuff, too.

It's HARD to be an adult.

I've lived alone about three years now with a young child in grade school there half the time.

IT. IS. HARD.

Keeping track of what he needs every day, and for coming school days, and managing my calendar to make sure I'm where I need to be on his behalf. Taking care of just 50-percent of his needs, combined with managing my house by myself is EASILY the most mentally challenging and taxing work I have ever done, and there is not a close second-place thing. And I don't keep the place 80-percent as nice as it was when my ex-wife lived there. It's still very challenging for me.

Sons too often grow up this way and end up woefully ill-prepared for adulthood or marriage. It's bad.

...

"But she didn't want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. "She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. "I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time."

Hopefully you get it now.

She felt like my mom because I never took the initiative to identify the needs of our son nor the needs of the household, and then set up whatever personal system I needed in order to get things done. I just derpy-derped around all the time as if me not saying or doing anything would make life tasks magically disappear.

Combine those maternal feelings with a little bit of resentment and a little bit of boredom due to hedonic adaptation, and you've just prepared to perfection the She Doesn't Want to Have Sex with You casserole with a side of You're Kind of an Asshole gravy.

It might seem hard to believe a man could go through many years of marriage with his wife telling him about how exhausting this dynamic is for her, and how upsetting it is, and STILL not get it.

But I'm relatively smart.

And that's precisely how I experienced it. So I know it can, and does, happen.

But maybe with the help of a great line from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, it won't have to happen to you.