EUGENE, OR—Citing the potential threat to the safety of their children, a coalition of concerned parents issued a statement Monday condemning dozens of popular video games spanning a range of publishers and platforms for what they claimed were grossly misleading depictions of the difficulty involved in smashing wooden crates. “If game developers don’t stop and consider their influence on children, we’re going to see a generation of kids grow to adulthood with a completely distorted notion of physics—millions of kids conditioned to believe that punching or kicking a crate will cause it to burst into splinters or, in some cases, even trigger some kind of explosion,” said the group’s spokesperson Laura Egan, blaming video games for an increasing number of broken knuckles, sprained knees, and contused foreheads each year and speculating that number will surge as more gamers enter an increasingly box-centric American workforce. “Most real-world wooden crates are sturdy enough to withstand the rigors of transcontinental shipping, and it takes a considerable amount of force and time to actually break one open. Will our children be prepared to deal with the bruises and splinters that may arise while smashing crates, especially in a future where they will be seeking weapons and healthcare items more frantically than any American generation since the 1940s? Which leads us to ask, will they expect coins to liberally float in the air after the work is done? We’re still waiting for the multi-billion-dollar video game industry to answer us.” The concerned parents did, however, commend the gaming industry for warning children that shooting red barrels or drums would result in a devastating explosion capable of killing bosses.

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