Man Calls For More Child Brides, Child Detention Centers

Jan 16, 2019

ROANOKE, VA - Randy Smith was sickened when he read the news after church on Sunday. He saw immigrant babies being ripped from their mothers’ clenched fingertips. The kids were dumped into overcrowded chain-link cages where they curled up in mylar blankets and sometimes died from physical abuse and neglection.

Mr. Smith, who frequently shares on Facebook that he’s “100% tough on crime / 100% soft on Jesus,” immediately felt ill in his stomach. How could this happen in America? How could a for-profit baby cage system be overflowing with children? So he demanded this to stop... by building more baby jails to solve America’s crisis.

Mr. Smith clicked to the next article. It was an expose on the U.S.’s lax marriage visa policies that allow adults to marry children. It seemed 50-year-old men like Randy can successfully petition visas for 13-year-old child brides, enabling forced marriage. Mr. Smith grew excited, and spent the rest of the afternoon swiping through child photos on international baby bride websites.

When asked for his opinion on the two, he responded eagerly with newly inspired conviction: “We can solve our baby jail crisis by converting them into child brides. Win-win for everybody. This is freedom, bitches.”