BROOKLYN, NYC — In breaking news, according to all of Jennifer’s friends, one male feminist’s efforts to get touched may have finally paid off. Witnesses present during the night of the affair claim to have seen her and the alleged “friend” and self-described feminist leave a pub together, giggling, and acting affectionate. The next day the pair showed up for a group brunch and Jennifer hadn’t changed clothes.

To get to the bottom of these tragic allegations, we sat down with the poor girl herself.

Q: I understand this must be hard for you, but the world wants to know, did you really sleep with this loser, and if so, why?

A: It’s not a thing. I just wanted him to go away. I thought’d it be no more than a minute wasted.

Q: Tell us, what was it like for you?

A: It was a real bummer, he didn’t know what he was doing. He just sat there breathing heavy and took it from me. …And I really gave it to him.

I mean, you’d think a man who never stops talking about his feelings would know how to use his lips to make me feel something. For a being such a kiss ass he sure didn’t know how to toss a salad. He fucked with the coordination of a one-armed man jumping rope. He refused to open his eyes the whole time because he didn’t want to harm me with his male gaze.

He also blabbered on and on about how he valued my intersectional composition and unique perspective. It really was pathetic. I figured if I let him slip it in he might go away. But I was so wrong… afterwards he asked me about my feelings like 30 times and apologized for the “obvious” power imbalance. It’s like dude, you work at Starbucks and screw like a child. There’s no power imbalance.

Q: What led to this tragic affair?

A: We met at the Women’s march and at first I was so taken away. But that faded fast. Nowadays with all these soy-boys running around, I’d give my left tit for a man not to pull-out after I asked him to. God I miss the early 2000's. Back when men wore looser pants than women and didn’t show their ankles… When a beard smelled like beer and gunpowder instead of coconut palm and patchouli…

Q: Would you ever sleep with him again?

I’d have to be pretty wrecked. But sure, I’d give him another peg. I did like hearing his screams.