MONTCLAIR, NJ—Moaning with passion at the mere thought of human contact, antsy residents at Belmont Village Nursing Home told reporters Monday that they were counting down the seconds until they could all get back to fucking each other again. “Oh my God, the minute this thing ends, I’m busting out of here, ripping off my clothes, and getting all holes filled by whoever is left in independent senior living,” said 94-year-old resident Edna O’Hara, adding that for the past five weeks, she’s been sitting around sopping wet in her reclining bed, whistling and licking her lips at whatever geriatric residents happen to wheel by her door. “I need someone up in my guts. Two months ago, I was spending 7 days a week, 24 hours a day sitting on more toothless faces than you can count on two hands. But now they say I can’t even do hand stuff with people like Bernard or Janice? They’re basically dead already anyway.” At press time, desperate nursing home residents had reportedly begun asking friends and family to send them emergency supplies to at least find temporary sexual relief on their own.

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