The newly unveiled Macallan Distillery has been roundly criticised for not living up to the euphoric feeling of being on recreational, psychoactive drugs. Although it has received some glowing reviews from professional whisky content creators and Ken Grier, it has been described in various mainstream press outlets as:

“…not giving enough of that nervy, jangling 4am buzz that only Fairtrade psychotropics can bring.” Editorial, The Guardian

“I wasn’t expecting three lines of speed from a hookers arse crack, but would something similar to a couple of parachutes of Molly over a four hour interval have been too much to ask for?” Jacob Rees-Mogg, The Telegraph.

“A letdown that should have been a comedown.” Tim Forbes, The MDMA Lounge online magazine.

“There is an undeniable sense of futurism in this new distilling space. The almost endless interlocking of the wood beamed ceiling and the circuitous nature of the grouped stills themselves all reflect a timelessness and an earthy, almost druid-like aspect – while at the same time embodying the striving, environmentally flecked ambitions of this key 21st century brand innovator. The cavernous interior itself takes on an almost Dungeons & Dragons-esque ‘realm-ism’. Something that subtly underpins the notions of mythology, legacy articulation and contemporaneousness which Macallan seeks – and I think succeeds – in embodying. Taken as a whole it represents a kind of reclamation; the conceptual as modern artefact made manifest; Macallan staking out its turf and laying claim – vivid, architectural flag planting. It isn’t so much a game changer, as a new game entirely. The crushing, grassy-knoll topped boot heel of brand over liquid. Sprawling, epic, unknowable and, ultimately, unconquerable. Having said that, I still had a better time after popping a couple of Es and dancing my absolute tits off on Saturday night.” Kevin MacLeod, Channel 4, Grand Designs Macallan Special.

By way of explanation, Ken Grier, head of ceilings at the new Macallan Distillery said:

“Being on drugs all the time is a mandatory internal company policy here at Edrington – I mean, just look at the design – so it was difficult for us to asses what it would be like for potential visitors not on drugs but seeking an equivalent experience. I was saying this only the other day to Neil Ridley while I was dictating his article to him and gently lowering my testicles into his eagerly anticipatory gullet.”

Macallan have swiftly announced counter measures to combat the negative press with the following adjustments to the planned visitor experiences.

1: All visitors to be given MDMA.

2: Put MDMA in all future bottlings of Macallan.

3: 24 hour Easter Elchies techno rave.

4: Encourage a dynamic workplace where staff at all levels of the company can embrace a sense of collective euphoria and utopian empathy with their fellow co-workers.

5: Investment grade crystal meth lounge.

6: Utilise old distillery as crack den.

7: New strain of ‘San Pedro’ barley to be instigated with Ken Grier as live-in ‘Master Shaman’.

8: Grow mushrooms on roof hillocks.

9: Think of a way to change ‘NAS’ to ‘LSD’.

Jock MacSporran, a deeply cynical whisky collector from Glasgow, said:

“I think it is an absolute disgrace that I can’t afford to buy bottles of Macallan anymore! How dare they sell their whiskies in lottery systems where I am not allowed to enter more than 37 separate email addresses! It’s a bloody disgrace and I will be boycotting them from now on!”

Before adding…

“But, aye, that new distillery is pretty fucking impressive! I’ll probably take a tour or three next time my wife is driving me round Speyside.”