Babylon Five's Flying Circus

This page is dedicated to all of you who are fans of both Monty Python and Babylon Five (and who therefore are to be congratulated on your taste in both comedy and science fiction). It was a really strange day when I thought all this up. Some of the Python bits come from the regular TV series of the late 60's, several more come from the classic Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a few more are from Monty Python's Life of Brian, and two are from Yellowbeard (which had Cleese, Idle, and Chapman). There's nothing connected to the The Meaning of Life. Some of these are from like-minded persons; e-mail addresses are spambot-protected.

There used to be more stuff in here than there is now, but I've gotten a few suggestions that were nothing more than drag-and-drop character subsitutions, with nothing more than that connecting them; most of these simply weren't that funny. However, after giving this out as my reason for rejection, I noticed that some of my own bits weren't any better, and so to be fair I cut every bit that doesn't have some connection between the two shows.

I contend that the ease with which Babylon 5 lends itself to Monty Python crossover humor is proof positive that JMS is quite talented.

Click here to read this page in German.

LORIEN: Ow, my foot–oh *#@$, *#@$, *#@$!

SHERIDAN: Sssshhh!

LORIEN: Oh, *#@$, *#@$, blast it!

SHERIDAN: I'm sorry.

LORIEN: You're sorry? For eighteen million years I've maintained my vow of silence, and now you've ruined everything!

SHERIDAN: Could you be quiet? The Shadows are–

LORIEN: Oh it doesn't matter now. For all this time I've wanted to shout and sing!

LORIEN starts running around.

LORIEN: Hello Kosh! Hello Morden! Hello Anna!





SHERIDAN: Babylon!

G'KAR: Babylon!

DELENN: Babylon!

ZATHRAS: It's only CGI.





LORIEN: Answer me these questions three, ere ye stay in this galaxy.

G'KAR steps forward.

G'KAR: Ask your questions, bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid.

LORIEN: Who are you?

G'KAR: Citizen G'Kar of the Narn Regime.

LORIEN: What do you want?

G'KAR: To carve the Centauris' bones into flutes for our children.

LORIEN: Why are you here?

G'KAR: To strangle the Centauri Emperor.

LORIEN: Right, off you go then.

G'KAR departs over the bridge.

MORDEN: That looks easy!

LORIEN: Who are you?

MORDEN: Mr. Morden.

LORIEN: What do you want?

MORDEN: To destroy the weaker species.

LORIEN: How does Delenn manage to get her hair to go under a bone that grows out of her head?

MORDEN: Eh? I don't know–AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...

MORDEN is cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

LORIEN: Next?

IVANOVA: Ask away, I'm not afraid.

LORIEN: Who are you?

IVANOVA: Susan Ivanova.

LORIEN: What do you want?

IVANOVA: To be paid for episodes I won't be appearing in.

LORIEN: Are you going to sign the same contract for Season five as everyone else?

IVANOVA: Yes. I mean no. I mean, I need an extension. I mean–AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...

IVANOVA is cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

LORIEN: Who are you?

SHERIDAN: Captain John Sheridan.

LORIEN: What do you want?

SHERIDAN: To rid the galaxy of the elder races.

LORIEN: Who is the leader of the Drazi?

SHERIDAN: What do you mean–green or purple?

LORIEN: I don't know–AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...

LORIEN is cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

DELENN: How do you know so much about Drazi?

SHERIDAN: Well, when you're the One you have to know these things.





A group of ZATHRASES stumble on

ZATHRASES: [shouting] And now, a sketch about space station designers! Called the Space Station Designers' Sketch! The Space Station Designers' Sketch! The Space Station Designers' Sketch! [Pointing] There! Up there!

Cut to a boardroom in a government building. Several OFFICIALS are sitting at a table. SPACE STATION DESIGNER #1 comes into the room carrying a model space station.

SSD1: Good morning.

OFFICIALS: Good morning.

SSD1: These are the plans for the new Babylon station, which combines the best of traditional classical motifs with modern construction techniques. As you can see here, the diplomats arrive here at the landing bay, and are carried down this conveyer belt past some Renoirs and a Camembert until they reach the rotating laser beams. From here, the blood is sluiced down the drain gratings, and the mangled flesh is conveyed–

OFFICIAL 1: I'm sorry, did you say laser beams?

SSD1: Yes, rotating laser beams... as I was saying, the bloo–

OFFICIAL 2: Excuse me, but are you planning on slaughtering the diplomats?

SSD1: Does that not fit in with Vice President Clarke's attitude towards the alien races?

OFFICIAL 1: Ah, a very interesting design, but I'm afraid that we weren't planning on slaughtering any of our diplomats. We just wanted a simple space station.

SSD1: Well that's just sort of pig ignorant attitude I've come to expect from you Earth Alliance officials, sitting on your backsides and judging space station designs when you don't give a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist, you with your fancy bloody Nightwatch badges and your bloody secret Nightwatch handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, you blacklisting bastards! Well I wouldn't join the Nightwatch if you got down on your filthy stinking knees and begged me to!

OFFICIAL 3: Well we're sorry you feel that way, but we were only interested in a simple meeting place for diplomats.

OFFICIAL 2: Nice though the abbotoir is.

SSD1: Oh, sod the abbotoir, it's not important, but if one of you fellows could put in a good word for me, I mean, being in Nightwatch opens doors–

OFFICIAL 1: Thank you...

SSD1: I've got my own surveillance devices–

OFFICIAL 2: Thank you...

SSD1 takes his model and leaves.

OFFICIAL 1: NEXT!

SSD2 enters, carrying several models.

SSD2: Good morning.

OFFICIALS: Morning.

SSD2: Well, the space station that I've been designing for the past few years is completely revolutionary in the field of physics.

The first of his models explodes

SSD2: It's designed to be completely safe–

The second model explodes.

SSD2: –and is designed to be resistant against all–

The third model explodes.

SSD2: –known forms of terrorism.

The fourth model vanishes from sight.

SSD2: Umm...

OFFICIAL 1: Well I'm certainly convinced.

OFFICIAL 2: So am I.

OFFICIAL 3: Congratulations!

They do a silly secret handshake.





SEBASTIAN: Who are you?

DELENN: Pardon?

SEBASTIAN: Who are you?

DELENN: I don't understand what you're saying.

SEBASTIAN: Who are you?

DELENN: I don't know! I didn't expect a kind of Vorlon Inquisition.

SEBASTIAN: Nobody expects the Vorlon Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and a planetkiller! Our four...no...wasn't supposed to mention the planetkiller yet... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again.

[SEBASTIAN leaves]

DELENN: I didn't expect a kind of Vorlon Inquistion.

[SEBASTIAN bursts in]

SEBASTIAN: Nobody expects the Vorlon Inquistion! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, a planetkiller, and this cool walking stick–oh damn!

KOSH glides in.

SEBASTIAN: [to KOSH] I can't say it–you'll have to say it.

KOSH: warble...

SEBASTIAN: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'

KOSH: (whoosh) You are not ready. (warble)

SEBASTIAN and KOSH exit, leaving DELENN looking confused.





Stone hits FIRST DRAZI on the side of the head.

FIRST DRAZI: All right! Who threw that? Who threw that stone?

DRAZI CROWD: She did! She did! Him, him him him.

FIRST DRAZI: Did you throw that stone?

SECOND DRAZI: Yes.

FIRST DRAZI: Right!

SECOND DRAZI: Well, you did say "purple."

DRAZI CROWD showers SECOND DRAZI with stones.





Soon other illustrious knights joined Captain Sheridan:

Sir Londo the Sly

Sir Marcus the Pure

Sir Vir the Not-So-Sly-as-Sir-Londo, who had nearly deceived Lennier, who had nearly bluffed a hand of cards in the Zocalo, and who had personally become one with his inner self after the Battle of Cartagia's Travelling Throne Room.





DELENN: Consult the Prophecies of Valen!

LENNIER: The Prophecies of Valen, Chapter Three, verses Three to Nine. "And Valen, being Minbari not born of Minbari setteth out to form the Grey Council. Valen raised his hand up on high, saying..."

DELENN: Skip a bit, Lennier.

LENNIER: "And Valen spake, saying, 'Thou shalt count to three. No more. No less. Three shall be the number of the castes thou shalt count, and the number of the castes shall be three. Four castes shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two castes, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then multiplieth it by three. Thou shalt not multiply by two.....' "

DELENN: Lennier...





From Stephen Wilhelm ([email protected])

SINCLAIR: One day John, all this will be yours.

SHERIDAN: You mean the curtains?

SINCLAIR: No, not the curtains. All that you can see. That will be your kingdom.

SHERIDAN: But I don't want any of that.

SINCLAIR: Listen up, I built this space station up from nothing. All there was was space. All the captains said it was daft to build a station in space, but I built it all the same, just to show them. It blew up, so I built a second one. That one blew up. And a third one, and that one blew up. I built a fourth one, that one disappeared in time. But the fifth one stayed. And that's what you're going to get John, the strongest space station in these sectors.

SHERIDAN: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather...

SINCLAIR: Rather what?

SHERIDAN: I'd rather ... just ... SING!

We won't mention Ivanova's huge... tracts of land.





SHERIDAN: On second thought, let's not go to Z'Ha'Dum. It is a silly place.





or,

In the frozen land of Nador, the Army of Light was forced to eat the WB executives. And there was much rejoicing.





SHERIDAN: And why did this lady fall flat on her back the moment I got her to my quarters?

ZOCALO CLERK: The Nightwatch Blonde prefers keeping on her back.





SHERIDAN: This Vorlon is dead. It has ceased to be. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to its encounter suit, it would be pushing up the spoo! This is an EX-Vorlon!

ZOCALO CLERK: Well I'd better replace it.

SHERIDAN: If you want to get anything done on this station, you have to complain until you're blue in the mouth.



