In addition to being a civil rights activist, curator of an amateur porn film festival, and sex advice columnist/podcaster, Dan Savage is a dad. Like many fathers, he navigated his way through “the talk” while sitting opposite a silent, stone-faced, mortified child.

“I told my kid, ‘We’re going to talk about these things and if you argue or insist you already know them, this conversation will be much longer,’” recalls Savage.

Parents dread this moment for its potential for miscommunication and awkwardness, and Savage discovered that 20 years of answering strangers’ inquiries about threesomes and rope play didn’t make it any easier to impart the basics on D.J., the son Savage and his husband Terry Miller are raising in their home of Seattle.

A few days later, he learned just how badly he bumbled.

‘99.9 percent of the time, sex is not about babies.’

When Dan Savage’s son D.J. was 9 years old, he confronted his two dads. “You and Daddy have sex for no reason! Two men can’t make a baby!”

That’s when Savage, the author of several sex advice books and arguably America’s most prominent syndicated sex columnist, realized he may have botched the talk. “I left out the most important part: pleasure,” he says.

But those communication fumbles are fine, he learned, as long as you correct them.

‘Don’t rush it — but when it happens, use a condom’

Young people often think good sex is “just something that breaks out, that impulsiveness is evidence of authentic feeling,” says Savage. They may even feel that actively planning to get into someone’s pants is dirty.

“We need to flip that,” he says. If your kids do want their first time to “find them,” warn that it could happen when they’re drunk or lack protection.

Stress the importance of having a condom handy and knowing how to put it on. Condoms aren’t as easy as they look, and there are 15 Ways They Might Be Using Condoms Wrong.

‘If talking to me is too weird, talk to Aunt Claire.’

Don’t be afraid to delegate in a pinch. When Savage and his three siblings were teenagers, their mother appointed aunts to be their confidantes on all matters sexual.

Those relatives were told not to report what they heard back to Savage’s parents.

“They weren’t in our lives every day, so we didn’t have to see them constantly,” he says. “It wasn’t like we had to go to an adult who we would have to look in the eye every morning.”

‘Whatever you want to watch is your business.’

Yeah, this part of the discussion may feel especially awkward. But your teen is online, so he’s probably seen hours of porn.

“Beginner” activities, such as mutual masturbation, aren’t typically emphasized in porn; but advanced, intense sex acts are.

A lot of porn also has an undercurrent of anger. Tell your kids that porn doesn’t represent real-life sex. (Here are 5 Things That Only Happen in Porn.)

“Teach them to have a critical eye—to be thoughtful porn consumers,” Savage says.

‘Everyone is into different things. I’ll leave it at that.’

“People who are kinky need to know that their life isn’t over because they’re into diapers or whatever,” Savage says.

If you’re uncomfortable talking about, say, bondage to your 13-year-old, just mention atypical sexual interests when you bring up another must-discuss topic: consent.

Savage’s script: “The craziest thing two people want to do together—if it’s consensual and they take steps to assure their mutual safety—is fine.”

(There are 45 Sex Positions That Every Couple Should Try, but you probably don’t want to tell your kid about all of them. Or maybe any of them. Let this be you and your significant other’s dirty little secret.)

‘Whichever way you lean, I’ll always love you.’

Teenagers are riddled with insecurities—and sexuality ranks high among them.

“Kids have attempted suicide because they assumed their parents would have a problem with their being gay, and the parents actually didn’t,” says Savage. “But the parents never said anything about how they would accept them.”

So make some acknowledgment of homosexuality to show you’re okay with it—and that they should feel the same way.