IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When the clock strikes midnight, simply pull the string on one of our sleek, slim Confetti Popper tampons to join the festivities without worrying about what level of flow the new year might bring,” said Kotex CEO Thomas J. Falk, explaining that a charge of compressed air inside the tampon launches a colorful and highly-absorbent blend of streamers and confetti into the user’s body. “With comfortable insertion and a festive noisemaker removal, there’s no better way to tell the world, ‘2019, here I come!’” At press time, Kotex had issued a recall of the product after hundreds of complaints of toxic shock syndrome caused by the tampon’s glittery “Happy New Year!” banner accidentally unfolding while still inside their bodies.

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