NORTH POLE – Desperate for storage capacity in a deepening oil crisis, OPEC has agreed on terms with Santa Claus for the upgrading and utilization of the North Pole’s outdated coal facilities. “We are pleased to partner with OPEC for this needed infrastructure improvement,” announced Ol’ Saint Nick, “and we will be transitioning to crude oil for the Naughty Children Program (NCP) as soon as this holiday season.” President Trump quickly expressed disappointment with Santa’s decision and lamented the impact it would have on all six workers in the American coal industry.

With demand for oil at record lows, classic release strategies like oil spills and pipeline fractures are under consideration. “We don’t know where else to go,” said BP CEO Bernard Looney. “But Santa has just bought a family of harbor seals about four months.” At press time, reports are emerging that Starbucks has offered to increase the level of crude oil in every Mocha Frappuccino.