stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

VIDEO: member when Goldberg goldberged at Fastlane and then Bork beat him up last week

HEYMAN: member when Bork beat up Goldberg last week, he’s gonna do that at Mania too cause I can see the future, also stop chanting Goldberg

BORK eats all the scrap metal in Detroit

STEPH: hey Mick you suck as GM and imma teach you how to be a good one

MICK: k

STEPH: so fire someone from RAW before the night’s out because business reasons

MICK: oh

SASHA’s gonna have a fight, also DANA’s here

DANA: well I got the jobber entrance but SURELY I have a chance

SASHA: nah

SASHA rolls up DANA

CHARLOTTE: hey Dana you suck

DANA kills CHARLOTTE, DANA gets cheered, hell freezes over

suddenly purple ropes

TONY and THE BRIAN fight TOZAWA and TJ

THE BRIAN: imma start

TOZAWA: k

TONY: PSYCH it’s actually me

TOZAWA: nbd, here’s a dive for both of you and LOUD NOISES

NEVILLE’s watching on the Random Locker Room TV

TONY and THE BRIAN: double team and pin

TOZAWA: nah but I’ll be face in peril, sound good

TONY: that’ll work

TOZAWA: k that’s enough of that, tag

TJ: flippiness and pin

THE BRIAN: don’t worry Tony I’ll save you like three times

TOZAWA: k but flying kick tho

TONY: hey TJ, rollup

TONY and THE BRIAN win

CHARLY: hey Club, Enzo & Cass are fighting Cesaro & Sheamus later, how bout that

CLUB: people aren’t talking about us enough so we’re gonna fix that

UNIVERSE: welp they’re totally gonna interfere in the tag team match later

here’s KO and his new best friend THE SPOTLIGHT

KO: member how I beat up Jericho a month ago, [insert exact same promo as last week], here’s Joe

also here’s SAMI and JERICHO

JERICHO: so Bear you’re not gonna do a special thing with my music like last week

BEAR: somehow this “breaking the fourth wall down” gimmick seems better

JERICHO: sounds good, anyway dropkick to Joe

JOE: but beef

JERICHO: tag

SAMI: quickness

JOE: yes but beef and tag

KO: gonna beat up Sami

JERICHO: HEY STUPIDIDIOT

KO: yeah hi have a superkick

SAMI: but dive through the ropes tho

KO: hey Joe wanna just beat people up

JOE: sure

DQ happens

JOE: coquina clutch

KO: I’m helping

SAMI goes to sleep

JERICHO: THIS SHALL NOT STAND

KO kills JERICHO, REFS are unhelpful

STEPH: Mick you gonna fire someone later

MICK: imma fire someone later

NIA: I want to be in the champ match at Mania

STEPH: nah but you get to fight Bayley tonight

NIA: k

MICK: imma walk around

MICK is walking around

JINDER: YOU BETTER NOT FIRE ME MICK

MICK: k you get to fight Roman later

NEW DAY are shilling merch backstage

NEW DAY: we’re doing a talk show now, here’s Show, he’s gonna be in the Andre at Mania, buy our merch and Show’s Jetsons movie

suddenly whistles

TITUS: hey Show I wasn’t in the Jetsons movie and you were and that makes me angry

SHOW: neat

HOW YOU DOIN, SAWWWWWWWFT, etc., also CESARO & SHEAMUS

CESARO & SHEAMUS: have some offense

CASS: have an Enzo

C&S and ZO&C yell at each other, CLUB watches on the Random Locker Room TV

insert standard ZO&C match

suddenly CLUB

UNIVERSE: called it

CLUB: time to set up the Mania triple threat

CLUB kills everyone

MICK: hey Club you’re fighting C&S and ZO&C at Mania

CLUB: k

ROMAN’s gonna have a fight, also JINDER’s here

JINDER: time to beat you up so you can overcome things

ROMAN: time to overcome th-

GONG

JINDER: HE’S DISTRACTED I HAVE A CHANCE NOW

ROMAN: nah

ROMAN overcomes things

ROMAN: hey Taker, get out here

suddenly HBK

ROMAN: you’re not Taker

HBK: Taker’s in your head, you’re gonna lose at Mania

ROMAN: nah

VINCE: also nah

HBK: I’m Mr. Mania tho

ROMAN: Taker retired you, imma retire him

suddenly BRAUN, ROMAN dies

UNIVERSE: THANK YOU STROWMAN

VINCE: dammit

STEPH: Mick you need to fire someone tonight

MICK: k but why

STEPH: because business reasons, if you don’t imma fire someone

suddenly purple ropes

ARIES’s gonna have a fight, also DAIVARI’s here, NEVILLE watches on the Random Locker Room TV

DAIVARI: imma win

ARIES: nah, imma win

DAIVARI: k

ARIES wins

VIDEO: member when Bork beat up Goldberg last week and then Heyman said he would do that at Mania

UNIVERSE: it led off the show so yes

suddenly an EMMA video

EMMA: Dark Emma coming soon

GRAVES: are we seriously doing this again

UNIVERSE: you said it

SHOW and TITUS gonna have a fight

SHOW: I am very big

SHOW kills TITUS

BAYLEY: Nia’s really big

SASHA: but you can beat her and you’re really cool and stuff but everyone also kinda hates you

BAYLEY: wait what

SASHA: we’re best frieeeeeeeends

INTERVIEWER: hey Jericho, you got beat up, how bout that

JERICHO: imma beat KO at Mania and expose him next week, Tom Phillips

INTERVIEWER: actually I’m Mike

JERICHO: YOU JUST MADE THE LIST TOM PHILLIPS

BAYLEY and NIA have a fight

NIA: I am very big

BAYLEY: but muh offense

NIA: nah

NIA kills BAYLEY until DQ then kills her some more

STEPH: k Mick time to fire someone so who is it

MICK: it’s you

STEPH: nah

MICK: but you and your husband are conspiring behind my back

suddenly HHH

HHH: I’m not gonna beat you up out of pity, you’re only still around because Steph wants you to be, you’re also fat and damaged, also imma fire your kids, so reconsider firing Steph

MICK: hey HHH have you met Mr. Socko

STEPH: noooope

STEPH kicks MICK in the grapefruits

suddenly ROLLINS with a crutch

ROLLINS: PSYCH don’t need the crutch

ROLLINS beats up HHH

HHH: oh look your crutch

HHH kills ROLLINS