Satanic Ritual Actually Works, Jesus Fucking Shit RUN!!!

HOLYOKE, Mass. – A local metal show took a bizarre and deadly turn last Wednesday night when a mock-ritual performed on stage brought forth a nightmare that has never been seen on this earthly plane, according to eyewitnesses.

“Oh, Jesus! Fuck! It’s coming! Run!!” shouted a panicked Scott Riley, frontman of Ancestral Defecations. “I can’t fuckin’ see my eyes, my eyes are fucking burning!”

The trouble at Shredsday Night Mayhem, a weekly metal showcase at Dwyer’s Shanty & Sports Bar, began with Ancestral Defecations’ standard ritualistic ceremony. The intent, according to Riley — the lone surviving member of the band — was to summon the ancient demon Utukku: a deity with the head of a lion and snakes for teeth bent on plunging the world into eternal darkness and persecution. To the surprise of the dozen guests and band, the demon delivered as promised, slaughtering the sparsely populated crowd with her razor sharp talons and acidic phlegm, sending onlookers fleeing in terror.

“Keep running! It can melt your flesh with its gaze!” warned Riley, who later admitted, “I got half of it from a Dødsengel song and filled in the blanks with scenes from Are You Afraid of the Dark? Piss fucking shit, what have I done?!”

The troubled frontman said he suspects the ritual’s success is linked to new drummer Seth Garcia, whose potential virginity may have inadvertently made the difference in the occult service. “He swore he banged that girl from Sunglass Hut,” said Riley as his bandmate dissolved into a pool of flaming ooze. “How could I have known he had virgin’s blood?”

Police, who were thankful the show’s low attendance minimized immediate casualties, have reached out to local clergy for help. “I’ve been warning everyone about the dangers of terrible local metal shows for years,” stated Bishop McCormick of the Springfield Diocese. “If anyone ever actually read this thing,” said the clergyman brandishing his Bible, “they’d know that the occult is at its most dangerous in a sports bar on a weekday night. It really couldn’t be any clearer.”

Citizens are advised to stay indoors and only attend metal shows with a decent lineup.

Photo by Justin Gonyea.