Oh Barack Obama. If it weren't for eight solid years of suckage, I'd almost be sad to see you go. You did have your comedic moments, even if you were the presidential equivalent of a malignant tumor. Don't let your looming unemployment status get you down, though. You've got a bright future ahead of you. Perhaps try your hand at accidental comedy. If the mom-jeans model gig doesn't pan out. Because that joke you made about Hillary Clinton getting trashed by the media was pure comic gold...

Honest question: what news networks were you watching this past election cycle? Because the media I watched bent themselves into positions not even permissible in the kama sutra in trying to make the She-demon relatable. They were all in on ways to make that 69-year-old look like a cookie-shilling grandma, not a 69 year old spawn of Satan. Oh sure, they failed. You can put lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig (remember saying that about Sarah Palin?). Maybe next time make it Sriracha, not generic hot sauce in Hillary's purse.

If they had reported in a fair and balanced manner, Hillary would have easily landed herself in the big house. Not the one you're thinking of, though. This big house features less paintings of past presidents, more sliding bar doors. Homey. Their office spaces are 8x10, not oval. Orange pantsuits are aplenty. Bonus: the residents are hulking lesbians eager to get a little lady love action on.

Let's be honest. The media was in the pocket of gave Hillary a beauty treatment rivaling Gisele's daily routine. Meanwhile that same "unfair" media pushed the notion that Trump was a white supremacist, racist, sexist and a radical homophobe. Didn't matter. The American people saw past what the media was attempting at selling Hillary as anything other than corruption personified, and pulled the lever for the orange-haired tycoon.

Not because the media was "unfair," but because Hillary is a horrendous human being less suited to run the White House, more suited to run the seventh level of hell. Her pantsuited flying she-monkeys like Dunham and Schumer could round out her fiery cabinet of miserable lady demons. Hey, if the pantsuits fit...

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