The following is satirical.

In the aftermath of Bernie Sanders withdrawing from the presidential race, Democrats say they will assess the situation just as soon as they finish counting the votes in Iowa.

Sanders withdrew from the race for the good of the country after discovering he was a Communist who would destroy the economy and rob people of their freedoms, which he said would not only be terrible but also redundant since the Chinese Flu had already accomplished that.

Sanders said he would endorse Joe Biden while keeping his name on future ballots in order to acquire more delegates so he could squeeze that stupid bastard like a stress toy until he transformed the Democrat Party into a tyrannical agent of the far-left or, as it’s also known, the Democrat Party. After Sanders made the announcement, he bid an old-fashioned Soviet farewell to his campaign workers by shooting them in the back of the head.

When informed of Sanders’ withdrawal, Joe Biden said, “That’s great. Who’ll run for president now?” When informed he would be running for president, Biden said, “That’s great. What will I be running for?” When informed it was the office of the presidency, Biden said, “That’s great. I just hope I can beat Bernie Sanders.”

Sanders told reporters he phoned Barack Obama before announcing his decision. He said he and Obama had a good conversation during which Obama wept quietly and pleaded with him not to go.

Afterward, Obama said he was trying to decide whether to endorse his former vice president or to drive a screwdriver repeatedly into his ear and then smash his forehead into a brick wall. He said he might also decide to endorse a potted plant or possibly a honeydew melon that had been sitting in his refrigerator for the last couple of weeks.

The question now is whether Bernie’s supporters will back Biden or cause civil unrest at the convention, or simply continue to smoke dope and pretend to have read Karl Marx.

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