

I wanted to figure out why we started doing something so crazy as inhaling hot smoke, so I tried to look up when humans began smoking, but it was hard to find an even general starting point. Then it came to me: People started smoking to get laid.

I wanted to figure out why we started doing something so crazy as inhaling hot smoke, so I tried to look up when humans began smoking, but it was hard to find an even general starting point. Then it came to me: People started smoking to get laid.

Smoking has always been about getting laid, but has evolved from the original reason: to keep an ember burning. As hunters and gatherers, humans had to move often. To leave a fire behind, one could simply light a smoke and have fire at their finger tips. The original lighter was a cigarette, or a pipe. Before there was money and right after blind strength, fire became the power / currency of the planet. This is why when you smoke it feels so liberating, because it is ingrained in us to do so, as much as talking. It has been shown that smoking is harder on women — this isn’t because women are weaker, but because they haven’t been smoking for as long as men. Why would a cavewoman smoke, if that’s how a dude is gonna get her to bang?

From there smoking evolved to have other advantages, like:

1. CIGARETTES CONNECT YOU WITH OTHERS



Smoking gives strangers a way to connect. A cigarette is one of the only things that you are allowed to ask a stranger for and still seem polite. If you go out to a bar and are standing alone staring at all the girls, you look creepy. If you have a cigarette, you just look like a guy smoking.

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2. CIGARETTES MAKE YOU LOOK COOL



Smoking is the second coolest thing you can do, other than moving out of your parents’ house when you turn 18. Cigarettes are the rebellious young adults version of a kids candy. Being young and having a cigarette shows that you have so much life left that it doesn’t matter if you kill yourself a little. People who smoke after 25 are trying to show they are still hip. The only parents I have ever met that smoke are the “cool” ones, the ones who don’t tell your parents when you threw up and shat yourself in their living room because you were on mushrooms. Also, it’s always your friend’s hot mom who smokes that lets you see a little sideboob.

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3. CIGARETTES ARE MOTIVATIONAL



When I stop smoking, my life turns to shit. I use each cigarette as a reward for whatever task I am doing. By making cigarettes a reward, I complete my task quicker, to get my fix. Smoking also gives you the ability to take a break from work. I have never heard someone ask if they could go outside to fuck with their phone for 5 minutes. Smoking makes you go outside more.

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4. CIGARETTES ARE GOOD FOR THE FUTURE



Cigarette smokers are also making our future generations’ lungs stronger, making it so that they can breath in the polluted skies of tomorrow. Fuck global warming. Just light a cigarette, and your kids will be fine.

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6. CIGARETTES MAKE YOU SEXY



Smoking makes you cooler, independent, daring, youthful, social, and sexy. Look at James Dean, he didn’t die of lung cancer and cigarettes made him a sex symbol. And he was only 5’5 and had moobs.

So keep it up smokers.

-DAVID KEYES