A local man is in critical emotional condition this evening after being beaten by a gang of enthusiastic photographers. The man, whose name is being withheld, had recently purchased his first “serious” camera, a Canon Rebel DSLR with an 18-55 zoom lens. Looking to improve his skills with his new toy, he went to a number of popular online forums and asked for some photo tips. Things went downhill from there.

The man was bullied repeatedly with the same three words, “Rule of Thirds” by photographers around the world, from Kentucky to Kuala Lumpur. Nearly all responses contained those same three words, as if they were sacrosanct and the most important words in all of photography, as if it were photography’s One Commandment. The man, not familiar with the term, asked what the “Rule of Thirds” was and a volley of haughty insults were hurled in his direction. “What, are you some kind of newb?”, “I bet this guy just bought a Canon Rebel.”, “Let me guess, you still use the kit lens?” were just some of the less salty responses. As the day progressed, the bullying mob grew, chanting “Rule of Thirds! Rule of Thirds!” as they chased the hapless newb down the streets of the Internet.

The man is currently convalescing at home. He is reported to have closed his laptop and is binge-watching old episodes of Doctor Who.

Police are not investigating, since they’re tired of camera-wielding citizens infringing upon their rights to do their job any way they see fit.

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