LeBron James is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Bron-Bron!

LeBron: Nope

Me: sry

Me: hey, so I guess you saw that thing about Dwyane and Kevin Durant?

LeBron: what’s that now?

Me: Durant saying he’d replace Wade with Harden in a current NBA top 10.

LeBron: did you ever watch The Wire?

Me: what?

LeBron: The Wire. Did you ever watch it?

Me: sure, of course

LeBron: this is like when omar wanted honey nut cheerios

Me: how so

LeBron: wade is the cheerios

Me: ?

LeBron: harden is the cashier

Me: dude

LeBron: and the phoenix suns are west baltimore

Me: wtf are you even talking about

LeBron: it’s a metaphor, bro

Me: no it’s not, bro

LeBron: you’ll figure it out

Me: no I won’t. nobody will. I’m pretty sure you’re just dicking with me

LeBron: if there’s one thing I dick about, it’s metaphors

Me: :/

[No response.]



Unknown: Shea?

Me: yeah. Who’s this?

Unknown: Bryce. I’m with LeBron.

Me: oh hey. What’s up, man. I was actually just messaging with him.

Bryce: yeah, what happened? He’s super pissed right now

Me: ???

Bryce: did you say something?

Me: no. I asked him about Wade. Maybe that’s it.

Bryce: not likely. What else?

Me: dude, I mean, I don’t know. We talked about The Wire

Bryce:: oh fuck

Me: WHAT?

Bryce: did he make a metaphor

Me: ha yeah

Bryce: oh no

Me: WHAT???

Bryce: the metaphor didn’t make any sense did it?

Me: it did not

Bryce: did you mention that to him?

Me: yep

Bryce: that’s it then

Me: what?

Bryce: LeBron loves metaphors. He makes 'em all the time. Only thing is they never make any sense. I never know wtf he’s talking about

Me: yep, that’s exactly what happened

Bryce: if there’s one thing LeBron doesn’t dick about, it’s metaphors

Me: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID

Unknown: Shea?

Me: yeah. Who’s this.

Unknown: Darren. I’m with LeBron.

Me: What happened to Bryce?

[Three minutes go by.]

Darren: #rip

Me: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: THE METAPHOR!????!??!??!?

Darren: yes.

Me: OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE

Darren: lbj

Me: METAPHOR-BASED MURDERS????

Darren: I’m in a closet. We all are. Lebron is out there. WHAT DID YOU SAY???

Me: OMG WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I HELP

Darren: oh no I think he sees me

Me: hello?

[No response.]

Me: HELLO? DARREN?

[No response.]

Me: DARREN!!!!???? HELLO????

[No response.]

LeBron: shea?

[No response.]

LeBron: shea I know you’re there

Me: no I’m not what do you want leave me alone I know what you did

LeBron: shea, have you ever heard of a movie called Friends?

Me: that’s not a movie it’s a tv show also please don’t do this

LeBron: what we have is a classic joey/monica metaphor

Me: oh god no

LeBron: see, in this instance Darren is joey

Me: I don’t know what’s happening

LeBron: and Bryce is the monkey that ross had for a few episodes

Me: I DON’T UNDERSTAND

LeBron: Kevin Durant is when jean-claude van damme guest appeared

Me: :’(

LeBron: and you’re me

LeBron: do you understand?

LeBron: do you get it?

LeBron: AM I BEING CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU THIS TIME

Me: I DO YES I DO IT’S A PERFECT METAPHOR YES GREAT I GET IT YOU’RE BETTER THAN KOBE YES I DON’T KNOW I’M SORRY YES WONDERFUL METAPHOR

LeBron: Shea?

Me: YES, LEBRON????

[Someone knocks at the door.]

LeBron: answer the door

Me: OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO WHO IS IT

LeBron: it’s me, shea

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO