I haven’t worked with Borscht Films but I was sent this page in order to write a submission due to the abuse I faced at the hands of Julian Yuri Rodriguez. This man is a sociopath who emotionally and physically abused me. I don’t want to provide anymore details because I am terrified of him, he is a violent amoral person who has access to guns and I already feel I’m endangering myself even just submitting this, but I have to do something. I hope something is done about the abusers that run this company. I don’t really have any optimism that anything will be done. They continue to get away with their behavior and their victims are living the consequences while they continue to get grants and play the part of artists and allies. Disgusting. I don’t think there’s any saving it because they will not change. All I can hope for is women to be warned and hopefully not associate with these men or this company.

This isn’t a call for accountability- I don’t know if I really believe that exists. But I do believe in consequences. For months, I bore those repercussions alone, actively suffering from symptoms of diagnosed PTSD and resulting major depression. I am only now beginning to heal in a substantial way where I can speak about my abusive experiences with the higher ups at Borscht corp, compounded by their relationship to each other. This letter is about fatphobia, misogyny, coercion, emotional & psychological abuse, sexual assault, and drug and alchol facilitated accompanied rape. It is difficult and uncomfortable for me to say this but there is no more appropriate language available- on June 19, 2019, Lucas Leyva raped me.



This took place at a Borscht party, celebrating the birthday of a Borscht fellow/assistant who I was friends with. The night began at the bar Lucas is (to my best understanding) a partial owner of, Mama Tried. I was enjoying myself and had several drinks. I remember speaking to Lucas as I got increasingly inebriated on his tab, accidentally knocking over my drink and him, concerned, bringing me a glass of water. When he bought tequila shots for several people, he told me, “You’re drunk. You should stop drinking,” and tried to exclude me from the round. I communicate these moments because they are when the person who assaulted me confirms that I was increasingly entering a state of mind where I would be unable to consent.

Not long after, the group and party moved to Lucas’s apartment. There, Lucas handed me and a Borscht fellow psychedelic mushrooms. By this point I was already wasted, and moving through the apartment, my vision and head started to feel more and more cloudy. I remember sitting on the balcony with three young Borscht members, feeling tired and intoxicated. My body needed to rest. I remember stumbling through the living room with one shoe on, kicking it off somewhere. Amidst the ongoing party in his small apartment, I went to the only empty place I could peacefully pass out- Lucas’s bedroom. I had no idea what was going to happen that night. How could I? I felt safe knowing that I was in the company of several people I knew, sleeping in the room of someone I thought was a trusted friend. Someone who is the head of a non-profit dedicated to uplifting young artists, someone I admired and respected. I need whoever is reading this to know that I felt extremely safe, or I would have behaved otherwise.

[I would like to insert here the term Rape Culture, as it will be relevant to the rest of my story and I believe that rape culture is insidiously present in the Borscht Corp organization. Rape Culture- a society or environment whose prevailing social attitudes have the effect of normalizing or trivializing sexual assault and abuse.]

I woke up to Lucas and another person* asking me if I wanted to sleep on the couch with a couple Borscht fellows I barely knew. I was so deeply sleepy and comfortable all I could muster was “no.” Eyes still closed, I felt too fucked up to move. Lucas came over to me where I was sleeping curled up on the very edge of the bed. He abruptly told me to “scoot over” and physically pushed my body towards the center of the bed to make way for his. I remember not understanding why I was being moved to the middle. I remember still intently trying to return to deep sleep. The second person entered the bed from the other side, and together, they started being touchy and affectionate with me. Part of me was cozy- I had been comfortable, I was happily drunk and rolling, and being next to people I admired and trusted felt nice. But part of me started to become nervous as my altered brain slowly began to understand what kind of mood was being set. When I realized this, I tried to communicate in whatever way I could manage that I did not want to have sex, citing the fact that I was currently romantically involved with his friend and Borscht chairman Brett Potter, and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Again, at this time, I was in an altered state, drowsy, and had my eyes mostly closed. Lucas dismissed this immediately, telling me he didn’t “give a fuck about Brett’s feelings,” and they did not stop making advances. Two people were on either side coercing me into intimacy with them. I felt conflicted and overwhelmed. When the other person said, “We should just kiss,” I said yes. I was too far gone emotionally, mentally, and physically to continue resisting the ongoing pressure, and I really thought it would bring a harmless conclusion to the incredibly awkward position I had found myself in. I remember distinctly thinking that that would be it- and then maybe I could just go back to sleep. I had no idea how little control I had over the situation, and that I would immediately lose even that. The next thing I recall, as I blacked in and out, was Lucas telling me to sit on his face and physically pulling me over on top of him. More than anything, I remember being confused.

The way blacking out works is that your brain loses the ability to convert short term memory into long term memory. I am not positioning that I was unconscious when whatever sexual activity happened, but that I was not nearly sober or present enough to fully comprehend and register what was happening. I did not consent to sex. I did say yes to kissing, but consent is active and needs to be obtained at each step of physical intimacy. It does not mean I was willing to go any further. Furthermore, even that permission was manipulated from me when I was not in a state where I was capable of giving it.

Later, when I became more cognitively aware of what was happening, I felt trapped in an ongoing situation. I did not immediately react. Although I grew increasingly anxious as I became more and more sober, I decided that I trusted the people and environment I was in, and that there was no cause for immediate panic or protest. My therapist says this is normal- that I was processing what had happened. I spent some time with them then, trying to be relaxed, have normal conversation, and behave appropriately for the context I found myself in. I do not hold Lucas or the other person involved in raping me at fault for any of my actions at this time. What I have said and maintained since I first reached out to Lucas about the situation is that I was not initially capable of consenting. What hurt and violated me is that that choice was robbed from me in the first place.

Even though I tried my best to be calm and okay with the situation, I started getting incredibly nervous as I realized I didn’t know how it had happened or even really what had happened, and that despite my best efforts to placate my uncomfortability with the situation, I knew that sex with them wasn’t a decision I would have made had I not came to with it already happening.

Again, I am freely admitting that my memory has gaps, and so I am only communicating what I do remember clearly. I remember Lucas trying to convince me not to tell Brett what had happened. I remember afterwards when I was getting panicky, pacing, going on and off the balcony, and sitting upright anxiously as the people who raped me went to bed, that Lucas commanded me, “Stop freaking out; go to sleep.” So I did, but not before telling him that I didn’t feel good, that I felt really bad, and that I needed to talk to him in the morning.

When I woke up, the other person was gone and it was just me and Lucas. I asked him if we could talk, and he sat down, but I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t even begun to process what had happened, and I only knew that I felt unsettled and deeply uneasy. I wanted to get it out, to say that I didn’t understand what had happened, or that I felt manipulated, but he was looking at me like he wasn’t listening and like he was dying to leave, so I let him. I found my shoe in a plant pot outside.

I went through a range of emotions and bodily responses that most rape victims go through. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed, I felt scared. When I called Brett that evening to tell him, while formally ending whatever relationship we had with each other, I cried out of shame and guilt. I begged him to forgive me. It is very common for victims to initially blame themselves, this is how rape culture works. And more than anything, I wanted to take responsibility for the situation. I wanted it to be my fault. But after a night where I barely slept, I texted Lucas early in the morning (so less than 24 hours after I left his house) with the mindset that he was my friend. How could I let my friend know that he had assaulted me? Raped me?

I told him, “what happened wednesday was bad. i was stupid drunk/inebriated and honestly not in a position to consent to sex with anyone.” I went on to explain that I was stressed and upset by the situation, and that it shouldn’t have happened. I wasn’t angry, I was hurting, and I thought that if he knew that, he could somehow help. I was so incredibly gentle and lenient in my initial texts (and will not be surprised if these are used against me) because I thought softening it would make the situation less uncomfortable, and I thought it would make it easier for him to apologize for taking advantage of me if he didn’t feel accused of something. Instead, he lied to and gaslit me, saying direct lies like “I had no idea you were drunk,” (remember that he told me at the bar that I was drunk and needed to stop drinking) and “it seemed like you were initiating it” (but he had found me asleep and trying to stay that way). I found myself apologizing out of discomfort and shame, but I went on to explain that I had blacked out, that I didn’t remember my clothes coming off, etc. He ignored my texts.

The next day I texted him, “i don’t feel okay and i wish you’d respond.” When he asked what kind of response I was looking for, I told him it didn’t seem like he understood how I felt. Then he told me, after saying he was too busy with Omniboat to text me, “You got drunk and did something you regret and now you feel weird about it,” which is weird, considering that I was unconscious a couple minutes before it started.

I had benevolently reached out to try and resolve my hurt about the situation. Without being accusatory, I explained that he shouldn’t have tried anything with me. Despite what had happened, I trusted him, and thought that if he understood how I felt, he would make an effort to apologize and remedy the situation. Instead, he lied to me, gaslit me, and blamed me for what had happened. He knew I was drunk from drinking on his tab, he knew I was rolling from mushrooms he handed me, and he found me unconscious. Him and his friend saw me asleep and decided to try and fuck me, and I doubt that they ever considered that I might not want to.

I would also like to add that I tried to inform another higher up at Borscht about my assault, Chairman Brett Potter. He dismissed me over and over again in multiple conversations. I told him it wasn’t consensual, that I didn’t want that to happen. When he asked if I felt taken advantage of, I said yes, and he responded by telling me he didn’t trust me, but that he trusted the person who assaulted me. He would say things that held me responsible for what had happened and telling me, when I made an effort to explain that I tried to say I didn’t want to, that I felt ganged up and manipulated, “That’s not the same as saying no.” Brett’s treatment of the situation and myself, gaslighting and blaming me is another example of rape culture. Sometime in October, I confided in another Borscht member that Lucas raped me and that Brett knew. They promised me they were my friend and ally, then blocked me a few days later. I had expressed that I was disappointed they were friendly with Brett, and they told me that if I want him to “feel accountable” for what he did to me, I needed to do that myself.

A huge part of the hurt with this is that I had active friendships and romantic relationships with both of these men at different times in the past couple years. Lucas and I very briefly dated summer 2018, starting when I was 19 and he was 32. That relationship left me feeling wounded and mistreated, but I moved on. When I started seeing Brett around New Years 2019, when I was 20 and he was 30, I told him about my experiences with Lucas- that he made me feel manipulated and used. Brett validated those feelings, telling me he’s heard much the same from other women, going on to talk about how Lucas has “mental issues,” and saying, verbatim, “It’s hard to have a best friend who treats women like shit.”

I remember naively thinking that Brett seeing and acknowledging those things made him different, but it actually showed that while he knows Lucas is an abusive misogynist, he’s okay with it. I didn’t want to see Brett’s own misogyny while we were involved, but the way he speaks about women disgusts me. I have listened to him call the female producers and writers he works with and sleeps with, among other things, “fat,” “gross,” “crazy,” and “disgusting.” He spoke to me about how one of his exes “getting fat made it easier to dump her,” and that “she looks like a linebacker.” Another time, he went on to talk about how she’s a “success ho” who only started trying to talk to him again because his “directorial career is taking off.” (I’m sorry but you can’t even make this shit up.) He once positioned that because of our “lizard brains,” all women have an instinctive desire to be “dominated” by men. Brett was continuously disrespectful and manipulative towards me. Whenever we had a disagreement, he would tell me that he had 10 years of life experience on me, and therefore simply knew better. I remember arguing that despite the age difference, I could obviously level with him. And he said, “Mmmm, not really. In a few years you’ll be able to.” In the same conversation (April 2019) he brought up my mother, who was initially against our relationship, saying, “When your mom says this is predatory, she’s kind of right.” If my age denied me a voice, if my age denied me personhood, why did he continue to see me? At the end of our own relationship, right after one of his best friends raped me and he decided not to care, he began textbook gaslighting me, calling me “psycho,” “insane,” and “irrational,” while lying to me and forcing me to question my own perception and reality.

I have never been professionally involved with Borscht Corp and I obviously never will be. I don’t believe that any amount of HR is going to fix an organization run by a rapist and rape apologist. Everyone involved is aware of the toxic, misogynist, and abusive behavior, particularly by Lucas, but they continue to enable it. I am tired of hearing Borscht members joke about Lucas’ “bad blood,” or how he’s a “corrupting force.” It’s not funny anymore. The abuse I’ve experienced has had dramatic consequences on my health and wellness. Not long after Lucas raped me and Brett tried to make me question my sanity, I started having frequent nightmares, panic attacks, and struggling with self-harm that I hadn’t done in half a decade. I was forced to start going to therapy and taking medication. I am just now feeling safe.

I remember lamenting to Brett that Lucas refused to apologize for taking advantage of me, and Brett told me that Lucas obviously wasn’t going to admit fault because he was terrified of “getting me-too’d.” I had went to Lucas immediately and told him I was hurting and not okay, and graciously gave him the opportunity to make amends. He lied to me, gaslit me, and dismissed me. Lucas texted me significantly later on, “I’m sorry about everything that happened a few months ago, and if I was insensitive to your feelings and the situation.” This is not an apology, it is not nearly enough, and it came months too late. Lucas is never going to admit to having done anything wrong. Brett used to unironically say things like “I’m not like the other guys,” and even more laughably, sincerely told me, “I have never hurt a woman,” demonstrating a profound and delusional lack of awareness. Accountability only works when people decide to recognize and take ownership of harmful behavior, and I personally only find “call-outs” necessary when they refuse to do so. I do not enjoy writing or publishing this letter, and find it generally unpleasant and distasteful. I can only hope that if self-accountability is not an option, we as a community can decide what behavior is tolerable.

The last time I spoke to him, Brett accused me of “leading a witch-hunt” against him because I privately confronted him for his actions. For this reason, I will not be surprised when this letter is met by a similar accusation. Beyond the obvious misogyny of equating the historical torture and murder of hundreds of innocent women to being held responsible for your actions, I’d like to remind everyone, it’s only a witch-hunt if the accusations are untrue.

-S. Beth Kimsey

*I did not immediately speak to the second person who assaulted me like I did Lucas because I didn’t know them as well, but when I finally told them how I felt, that it wasn’t consensual and that I was hurting, they took a significant amount of time to listen to me, express remorse, and apologize. It does not excuse or fix what happened, and I am greatly disappointed by how they continue to enable Lucas knowing his history and his role in the situation, but I appreciate that they at least recognized the harm they caused and admitted that what happened was wrong. I understand the profound impact this kind of accusation can make once public. Because they have shown the ability to hold themselves accountable, and because they tried to help me heal, I will not disclose their identity. I also ask that those present that night respectfully refrain from advertising your assumptions or speculations.

4:32 pm • 26 January 2020 • 2 notes