Worried you’re no oil painting? Well, there’s an app for that! The internet is obsessed with a new feature in the Google Arts & Culture app that finds your museum doppelganger. You take a selfie, then Google trawls a database of art to find the museum portrait you most resemble. It is an irresistible proposition for everyone’s inner narcissist; I downloaded the app immediately. Unfortunately, my inner narcissist was in for a nasty shock. Apparently, my face closely resembles an engraving of Leopold I, a man with a massive moustache, and a portrait of Pieter Corneliszoon Hooft, a man with a rather genteel goatee. OK, Google, I take the hint. I’ve made an appointment to get threaded!

Now, if you’re rushing to download the app to see which hirsute Habsburg you look like, please note that this feature is currently only available in the US. But perhaps its limited reach is no bad thing. The app may be good fun, but it is also fundamentally frightening: Google’s latest experiment, you see, says less about art than it does the burgeoning science of facial recognition technology.

While Google’s museum doppelgangers aren’t exactly 100% accurate, facial recognition technology has become increasingly sophisticated over the past few years and is fast becoming a pervasive part of our lives. Apple’s iPhone X, for example, includes Face ID technology, which lets you use your “face-print” to unlock your phone. And, last month, Facebook rolled out facial recognition tools that alert you if you appear in someone else’s photo, even if they haven’t tagged you.

China leads the world when it comes to the application of facial recognition technology. There are 170m CCTV cameras in the country – a number expected to grow to 400m by 2020. Many of these cameras are fitted with artificial intelligence, meaning Big Brother isn’t just watching you, it’s analysing your data in real time with very real consequences.

Some Chinese cities, for example, are using the tech to name and shame jaywalkers. If you try to cross the road on a red light, your photograph will be displayed on a big screen by the street before being sent to the police. In the near future, a little casual jaywalking may trample over your prospects. China is putting together a social credit score, which is basically an Uber rating for every citizen. It would pull together a whole suite of information – whether you pay your bills on time, who your friends are, if you jaywalk frequently – and amalgamate them into a number that reflects your trustworthiness. Honestly, Black Mirror has nothing on real life.

The Chinese surveillance state may be particularly advanced, but the rest of the world isn’t far behind. In the UK, the Metropolitan police has more than 20m facial images on their databases and, controversially, are using facial recognition software to try to identify potential troublemakers in public places, such as the Notting Hill carnival. And, in the US, about half of adult Americans are now “part of a virtual, perpetual lineup”, according to a 2016 report from Georgetown Law’s Center on Privacy & Technology. Their photographs are stored in a database that can be cross-referenced by the FBI when looking for a suspect in a criminal investigation. According to a House oversight committee hearing last year, facial recognition software is far from accurate and misidentifies women and African Americans more frequently than white men. It seems the future really is like Minority Report – and facial recognition tech is particularly fond of reporting on minorities.

Backwards books: a terrible trend that tells us a lot about our times

Forget my misgivings about the surveillance state. I can think of one excellent application of facial recognition technology: identifying and ostracising people who display their books backwards, so the spine faces the wall. Yes, as if the world wasn’t depressing enough, spineless book arrangements are now a thing.

But why would anyone do this? Well, probably because they don’t actually read. Also, as any fule kno, it looks nice. One Instagram post of a backwards bookshelf from Apartment Therapy, a popular home decor blog, explains: “Books don’t match your decor? Don’t fret. The incredibly easy solution? Flip them for a perfectly coordinated look.”

Really, the backwards book trend was inevitable. It’s Pinterest-period chic and, perhaps, also reflects a growing anti-intellectualism. Once upon a time, people took pride in their book collection; today, your copy of Infinite Jest makes you look infinitely pretentious.

Interior design trends, more generally, can provide an interesting insight into the zeitgeist. Take waterbeds, which enjoyed a brief spurt of popularity. A New York Times trend piece from 1986 notes that, before they became a staple of suburban homes in the 80s, waterbeds encapsulated the fluid sexuality of the 70s: “Filled with up to 250 gallons of water and who knows how many tons of sexual promise, the organic, free-floating form seemed to capture the spirit of the age.” Indeed, according to a 1971 Time article, in “Manhattan the waterbed display at Bloomingdale’s department store for a while was a popular singles meeting place”.

Of course, some home decor trends have no rational explanation. The appeal of 70s avocado bathroom suites is impossible to understand. Seriously, if you can figure that one out, let me know. You shouldn’t have trouble finding me; I’m pretty sure my face is now on a Google database near you.

Does Uber need a silent mode?

Have you ever been in an Uber where your driver won’t stop talking? Meanwhile, all you want to do is quietly take selfies and figure out who your museum doppelganger is. It seems to be a common enough sentiment that demands for an “Uber silent mode” frequently pop up on social media. No doubt it won’t be long before Uber grants us a button that lets us mute our taxi drivers like they’re a piece of technology. Obviously, facial recognition software will ensure drivers comply – or face severe consequences – and we’ll all ride happily off into a silent sunset.