I have been with a lot of men. More than I can accurately count anymore. And my oh my, the things straight cis men think it is acceptable to do in bed!

1.

Numero Uno, most important, before anything else!

Wash your butts.

Wash yourselves all over, of course; exfoliate, there are only a few things more unappealing than gripping your partner’s shoulder or back and having their skin roll up into balls of dead skin cells that just keep multiplying the longer you have to touch them.

Wash yourselves all over and exfoliate, and for the love of all that is good, wash your butts. Your butt crack, your asshole, and maybe an inch into your asshole if you know you’re the kind of guy who leaves shit streaks in your underwear. Every woman I know has a shit streak story and all the sex workers I know have many, many shit streak stories. If you’re going to pull that on someone you need to let them know beforehand so it’s consensual, and then pay for the laundry bill. It’s not cool.

Get in there with soap, the butt crack is not a self-cleaning orifice; scrub!; rinse; repeat.

Got it? Good.

2. Brush your teeth and gargle with mouthwash, especially if you just ate, and that goes exponentially if you ate garlic, onions, or fish. Be considerate! If you don’t floss regularly now is not the time to start (flossing often leads to tiny microabrasions and no one wants you bleeding into their mouth — or if they do, it’s definitely something that needs to be discussed beforehand) seriously consider making flossing at least once a day part of your routine and gargle, gargle, gargle!

3. Bring unexpired condoms that have not been left in extreme heat or cold (it weakens them). Maybe your partner will have their own, but this shows you care.

There is no skipping the above steps unless you know with 100% certainty that your partner wants to engage in scat play with someone who has bad breath and doesn’t care about stis. I’m sure there are people who love this out there! Save it for them once you know they are into it.

Now we’re ready for the sex-having tips!

4. Do what your partner does back to them.

This means if your partner is not sticking their tongue all the way in your mouth and leaving it there, they probably do not want you doing this to them. It’s baffling, it’s hard to work around, it’s gross, probably save it.

If you have to burp, pull away! Don’t just burp with your tongue in someone else’s mouth and hope they don’t notice: we do.

5. Ears are a sensitive area and nibbling, lightly breathing (LIGHTLY), or licking can feel good. Full on tongue penetration of the ear is, however, once again a niche desire. If this is your thing, ask if you can do it. If you’re with a pro I understand that you think you should be able to do it because you are paying for the experience and there’s some merit to that, but also weigh in whether you want to be “that guy,” the one we all dread and text each other about cringingly. At least give a worker some warning!

If you’re not with a paid professional, ask first or don’t do it at all. It’s gross.

6. I know you’re going to want to wail “not all men!” at me here but save it; it absolutely is all men unless they’ve had a stern talking to in the past or were raised by lesbians:

Do not double dip.

That finger that you just shoved in my ass crack? That finger does not go anywhere near my vagina. Ever. No ass crack fingers near any vaginas ever unless you quickly excuse yourself, wash with soap and water, and then come back.

Or use gloves! I know how you fellas HATE to have any barriers between your flesh and your partner’s body, but they can save on time and infection! Consider them!

But you simply cannot dabble in ass play and then expect to jam those same fingers in a vagina; you aren’t paying anyone enough for the ensuing infection, it’s inconsiderate and unhealthy.

Repeat after me:

No double dipping!

If you are with a lady (cis or trans doesn’t matter) she will understand and be grateful to you for your consideration, so don’t worry about awkwardly leaving the room or putting a glove on. It shows respect and respect for the health of the person you’re fucking is mandatory, regardless of how else you feel or don’t feel about them.

7. Are you performing cunnilingus? Please consider that the human mouth is disgusting, the tongue is not a very good penetrative tool, and don’t try sticking it in a vagina unless you are asked to.

If you look in the mirror and see that your tongue, gums, or both are any variation on grayish black, don’t do it unless you are willing to add in the cost of the doctor visit to get antibiotics for bv.

Also?

Spit is not an adequate substitute for lube. You do not need to spit on me, I have lube.

If I see you spit on your hand you are cut off.

Go google lube.

8. Nipples are sensitive! Rubbing your palms up and down on nipples very fast for over two or three minutes is incredibly chafing, and the amount of you who do this is truly absurd. Consider varying your pattern, pressure, touch, &c just to give the nipples a break. Maybe pinch, maybe just move to the waist for a bit.

9. On that note, ask your partner if they’re into prolonged nipple sucking before you latch on, close your eyes, and settle in to fulfill whatever breast milk nourishment fantasy you’ve been harbouring these last few decades. As a professional I will deal with it, but as an adult person I am not into having another adult latched onto my tits for prolonged periods of time, and if you give me a hickey on my nipple you should indeed be tipping with largesse. That’s rude.

10. What feels good to you may not feel good to your partner. If you want the sex to be an ongoing thing and you don’t want to be a douchebag, check in with your partner, ask what they like, if you are doing what they like, if you should change it up, &c.

However, only do this if you are willing and able to hear a negative answer.

If you’re one of those men who are unable to hear anything but praise and get very upset when praise doesn’t come, don’t bother asking this; stick with us professionals, don’t inflict yourself on civilians.

Not just because you’re bad in bed, but also because one can mostly tell after a little bit of sex what kind of person you are, so if you are this kind of guy, you’re unlikely to get an honest answer anyway because no one wants to deal with the sulking, tantrum, and potential violence.

I know you don’t actually have this level of self knowledge, but I’m putting it out there anyway.

And remember! Wash your butts!