When the Missing Reasons Aren't Missing

These quotes are from a remarkable comment thread on a community with one forum for estranged parents, and another for estranged adult children. An estranged mother came to the adult children's forum to ask adult children to tell their parents what's wrong before estranging:

it would be compassionate and kind to let your parents know why you chose estrangement. My daughter chose estrangement, but gave me no reasons. I'm sure I wasnt a perfect parent: Who is? But like any parent who loves his or her child, I tried my best. Every child needs what he or she needs, and every child is different. But the bottom line is that leaving a parent without a clue as to what he or she could have done to result in estrangement is probably not the kindest or most compassionate thing thing a kid could do to a parent. Indeed it seems to me to be cruel.

Over the course of several more comments she described the counseling sessions she and her daughter had at what turned out to be the end of their relationship. Bolded text is statements that her daughter never told her why she's estranged; bolded red text is reasons her daughter gave her; and dark red text is her undermining of those reasons. [Note: The comments are heavily trimmed.]

Actually, my daughter and I engaged in 4 counseling sessions. At the first, she told me I could no longer see my grandson or son in law without her present. No explanation. At the next session, she told me I could no longer give my grandson gifts. She claimed the gifts came with strings attached, but never told me what strings were attached. In fact there were no strings. I tend to like to be very generous as giving gifts gives me pleasure. At the third session I asked her why, if my gifts came with strings attached she had asked for and accepted $500 a month from me to help pay for my grandson's day care, and why she had borrowed some very expensive jewelry from me and then asked to keep it. I gave both the monthly $500 payments for my grandson and the jewelry without questions or conditions. Again, I had it to give and ishe wanted it so it gave me pleasure, knowing and hoping it pleased her. [....] At the fourth counseling session, my daughter ended the session with the same kind of hit and run pproach I recieved at the prior sessions. Only this time, the bomb she dropped was that she never wanted to see me again. So if she told me, you are right, I did not hear why. yes she indicated that when she was a teen, I was too open with her, treating her more like a confidant than a daughter. She's right, I did, and it was wrong, but I don't think it amounted to abuse. I personally don't think this amounted to "abuse." [....] One thing she did tell me is that she felt she could not live up to my expectations of her. (She has more than lived up to any expectations... I tried to nurture her brilliant mind, and give her every opportunity without placing demands on her. Indeed, I didn't have to place demands on her. She excelled in school, was popular, pretty, and hard working. She graduated high school with 44 AP credit... In my book she was amazing and far brighter and more hard working than I could ever be.) But as I told her, her expectations of herself are way higher than any expectations I ever set. She's been a perfectionist since she was 6 months old and got frustrated when she could not set the colored rings on the ring holder. I had to take that toy away until she was a little older, and I tried to tell her that she should laugh at failures and not get frustrated because that's how we all learn, trial and error. She felt I never appreciated her successes except as she says, so I could bathe myself in her reflected glory. She's mistaken. I'm amazed at her successes and how she has done so much and continues to succeed. [....] Right now I have nothing but compassion for my daughter as I know she must be hurting, though I don't know and don't understand why. Wish I did.

At this point, the other member asked, "Before your daughter stopped giving you explanations and started the "hit and run" approach, did you find that when she gave you a list of examples, you could show her that most or all of her examples had innocent explanations and didn't add up to the pattern she said they showed?"

The he second hit and run [accusation] was explained as, "you gave my son so many shirts that I never got an opportunity to buy him one." And as "your gifts come with strings attached. She's right on the shirts. When I saw that she always seemed to dress him in the same faded yellow polo shirt, I bought him 5 polo shirts in various primary colors. I did it to make her life easier. Apparently it was not appreciated. But I have no understanding why that should mean I am never allowed to give him or her a gift again. Like I said, the only explanation other than that was that my gifts were with strings attached. I still have no idea what strings she. Was talking about. There were no strings (though an occasional "Thanks Mom" would have been nice. And in the Final session, after I paid the counselor her $250, The counselor concluded with the final pronouncement, saying, "did you hear you daughter. She said she never wants to see you again." To be honest I had not heard my daughter say that, and I was so shocked, I said "you can't be serious. you aren't doing this." Or words to that effect. It was like a shot in the night out of no where. I beg and to cry, got up and left. I was blindsided. So no, I could not explain away anything with innocent explanations because she did not explain. [....] And, [other member], I can't address any "list of examples" or explain my actions with "innocent explanations" or even with admission of fault unless and until she can provide me with a list of grievances to address. The ball is in her court. I already wrote to her just a few days after she broke ties, and told her I take full responsibility for not being the mother she needed me to be, noting that I still don't know what I did to fail her, but acknowledging that every kid deserves the parent he or she needs.

I am honestly not sure that there was a whole lot really accomplished in those 4 terrible sessions conducted by the social worker [...]. And I'm not sure that much more was said than I have detailed here. My daughter's biggest complaint seemed to be that after her Dad and I separated when she was 12, I treated her too much like a confidant and not like a child. She's right but I can't change that now. I was hoping she could tell me what I could do now and in the future to make our relationship better, but frankly, and obviously, the four counseling sessions made out relationship worse than it had ever been, leading to the ultimate estrangement. [....] I do think I will print this [comment thread] out for my psychiatrist. Yet, the real issue underlying all is not what I say, or what I might tell him, because I am incapable of telling him why my daughter decided to become estranged.

She tried to end on a high note:

So I go back to my reason for writing here. Daughter's and Sons: If you do decide to become estranged from your parents, please, please explain why. And if you can, put it in writing. Try to be diplomatic. Remember they are people too and have feelings too. But the kindest and most compassionate thing you can do is to explain why you are doing what you are doing. They may not agree, but at least it will give them a place to start if they really want to do what they can to correct any past errors, make reparations for past failings, and try to make amends. Because let's face it: Most parents love their children, and most kids love their parents, even if they have trouble making the parent child / child parent relationship work.

Here we see a mother who claims her daughter hasn't given her any reasons while listing off her daughter's reasons, and who explains away her daughter's reasons while claiming she's not explaining anything away. She even admits that she parentified her daughter, and that it was wrong... but it wasn't that bad and she can't change the past anyway, so (unspoken conclusion) it doesn't count. When the other poster pointed out that her daughter had given her several reasons for the estrangement, she became defensive and retreated into claims that she was doing exactly what estrangement experts said she should do.

What makes this exchange unusual is the quality of the mother's recall. Most estranged parents in her situation either give no details about their children's "letters full of lies" and "false accusations," or they remember something so petty that's it's risible. This mother repeats charges that sound like something an estranged adult child would actually say. She's missing the context that would knit the charges into a coherent pattern, and I doubt that what she remembers is the full list of what she and her daughter discussed over four therapy appointments, but the issues she relates are clear and serious.

That's why her ability to forget her daughter's reasons between one paragraph and the next is so staggering. Forget? Perhaps "ignore" is a better word, or "disqualify." The mother agrees that she parentified her daughter, but that's in the past and the mother wants things she can change now, so it's not the reason her daughter cut her off.

My daughter's biggest complaint seemed to be that after her Dad and I separated when she was 12, I treated her too much like a confidant and not like a child. She's right but I can't change that now. I was hoping she could tell me what I could do now and in the future to make our relationship better [...]

Besides, the mother doesn't think it's serious enough to count.

yes she indicated that when she was a teen, I was too open with her, treating her more like a confidant than a daughter. She's right, I did, and it was wrong, but I don't think it amounted to abuse. I personally don't think this amounted to "abuse."

She's reflexively blind to her daughter's perspective, so blind that it doesn't occur to her that her daughter makes decisions based on her own perspective.

She claimed the gifts came with strings attached, but never told me what strings were attached. In fact there were no strings.

One thing she did tell me is that she felt she could not live up to my expectations of her. (She has more than lived up to any expectations... I tried to nurture her brilliant mind, and give her every opportunity without placing demands on her.

She felt I never appreciated her successes except as she says, so I could bathe myself in her reflected glory. She's mistaken.

The daughter speaks; the mother knows the charges are unfounded; therefore, the daughter--um...

When I first wrote this section, I went into a tangent about how estranged parents "know" that what their adult children say is untrue, therefore the children know it's untrue, and they're lying to their parents. That doesn't fit here. It adds the daughter's perspective on her own words, but that doesn't factor into the mother's account. The mother knows her daughter's charges are unfounded, so as far as the mother is concerned, they're not a factor in her daughter's behavior. It doesn't occur to the mother that because her daughter believes these "untruths," they're her daughter's reality, and her daughter is going to keep acting on them no matter how hard the mother digs for the "real reason" for the estrangement.

The missing missing reasonsEstranged parents confront their children's reasons



Updated 5/24/2016

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