Tell her you have dyslexia of female holes. “I heard Beyoncé does it all the time.” Offer to let her watch “Frozen” at the same time. Remind her that mowing the backyard is always gluten-free, fat-free, and zero calories. God wouldn’t have put her booty on Earth if it wasn’t to be enjoyed. [Insert any female celebrity she is weirdly obsessed with] just started a new diet and is now a size 0. Oh, and by the way, the diet is sticking your sausage in her rump. It gives you something to do while she spends two hours getting ready to go out. It’s always reassuring to know that you cannot get pregnant through your butt. Surprises aren’t just for birthdays. Never be too proud to cry for chocolate coitus until she says yes. There is probably some evidence that chipping from the rough burns more calories than hitting from the fairway–or at least some evidence you could make up. If it’s so terrible, why do porn stars make it look so enjoyable? Don’t disregard the power of a candlelit dinner, a Boyz II Men playlist, and presenting a bottle of lube to her. It would be such a waste for her to not use those amazing genes her mother gave her. Maybe giving in to your constant pestering will get you to finally shut up about it. (It won’t.) Let your girl know that butt stuff saved your parents’ crumbling marriage, so it has to be good. Al-Qaeda men aren’t allowed to go through the poop chute, so this is a perfect way to prove both of you love America. You recently read in GQ that Ryan Gosling exclusively enters through the back door.

If all else fails, never forget the power of the proposal. Just remember to either mean it or fake amnesia later on. Or fake your death, whichever is easier.