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Julia, 24



Where do you fall on the ace/aro spectrum and what does that mean to you?

"I am pretty much completely asexual. No sexual attraction. Also pretty much no sex drive at all. That’s not always an ace thing, but that’s definitely a me thing.



"I’m possibly somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, but I can’t figure that out right now… It’s very confusing, because defining what romance even is is difficult, especially when you’re not sure if you’ve ever felt it."



Can you tell me a little bit about when you first told friends and family about your asexuality and how they reacted?

"I’ve been really lucky in that most of the [friends] I’ve come out to already knew what it was, so there haven’t been many awkward conversations where I’ve have to teach them everything about what asexuality is, because that gets tiring really fast. That’s exactly why I haven’t told my parents yet, because I’m probably going to have to explain everything to them, and that’s not really a conversation I want to have.



"I did have one weird reaction. I mentioned it to my roommate in passing, and she said something like, ‘I wish I could be asexual.' And I was just like, ‘That’s a weird thing to say. I don’t think you actually want that.’ That’s not how that works. You do not actually want to have the problems that I have."



What are some of the most common misconceptions of asexuality?

"People just think we’re making it up for the attention. I don’t even think those people are thinking about the words coming out of their mouths, because the kind of attention that we get is: 'Oh, that type of person doesn’t exist' or 'Oh, you’re just making it up.' Who wants that kind of attention? It just makes no sense to me that people think that that would be a reason. And there’s other people who say 'Oh, that just means you’re an unfeeling robot.'"



How is your perspective different from someone who might identify with the dominant narrative of sexual and romantic relationships?

"I’ve definitely been flirted with and totally didn’t recognize it at the time. Like, I’ll be talking to somebody, and then I’ll get home hours later and be like, Wait a minute — was that guy hitting on me? I think he was hitting on me. Goddamnit. I don’t notice these things!



"And when there’s romantic tension in movies, I can’t see it. I have a really hard time seeing it. I’ve gotten a little bit better about it over time, but that’s just a factor of noticing what other people say about markers of romantic tension, and then being like, Oh, these characters are staring into each other’s eyes. That means they like each other. Okay, I see it now. But it’s not something instinctive to me. I had to learn it."