Things to Do at Work Besides Showing Your Penis to Coworkers

Tackle a Sudoku

Make a real effort to bring back leg warmers

Shop online for penis enlargement pills

Reminisce about when Pluto was a planet

Design Meghan Markle’s wedding gown

Google “Billy Bush” to see what he’s up to these days

Ask female intern to check if mole on your penis is skin cancer

Ponder the seedless watermelon— genius or troubling?

Treat women coworkers as equals

List the 50 states in the order that they were called in the 2016 election.

Send dick pic to girl from elevator who smiled at you that one time

Get to the bottom of the whole Russia/Trump thing.

Call your mom to say “hi.” And your wife’s mother. And your wife.

Listen to the Top 40 Countdown and write the songs down in order

Campaign to turn Casual Fridays into Formal Fridays so you can get more use out of that tux you bought

“Accidentally” have porn playing on computer during meeting with female assistant

Make a list of people who think “LOL” means “Lots of Love”

Decide who would play you in a movie: Young you, now you, old you

Tell a female subordinate that she’s doing a great job for no other reason than she’s doing a great job

Create likeness of Ruth Bader Ginsberg on office window using Post-its

Calculate the growth of your penis per second using a stopwatch

Send flowers to your wife unless she thinks the only reason you’re sending flowers is because you showed your penis at the office, then don’t send your wife flowers

Squeeze a stress ball

Donate money to a female candidate who is running for office against an old, white pervert.

Draw face on penis and tell the woman who brings coffee that she’s invited to watch a puppet show in your pants

Organize a company-wide canned food drive

Your fucking job

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