5. Resurrection Man

He’s coming out of the grave clean-shaven? Whatever. Plus, look at that picture and tell me that the Yosemite Sam style isn’t working for him.

4. Hawk & Dove

Look at the balance that handlebar gives to the whole face with the mask design! It also covers up the nasty grimace habit and the incredible disappearing pointy teeth. I’d be much more intimidated by the avatar of war if he came at me in such a manly fashion.

3. Green Arrow

You’re going to take the most iconic facial hair in comics away from the man, and not give him anything back? Those Scott Caan chops aren’t cutting the mustard. If you subtract, you’ve got to add something of equal gravity. Other than the fact that he looks like Batroc the Leaper now, the look works. It’s not like it’s any more of a stretch from Ollie Queen than we’re already getting.

2. Aquaman

A king cannot be expected to rule over anyone, sea beast or otherwise, when looking like a preteen boy. He’s going to show some kingly restraint, but also keep things a bit majestic. Plus, you can’t read the man with that thing on his face, and that’s got to be useful for negotiations with the whales or whoever he’d be negotiating with. It would also drip when he gets out of the water, which I think would be funny.

1. Action Comics

Those glasses never quite did the trick, but if, in the relaunch, they managed to add super mustache growth and grooming to Kal-El’s list of talents, then he’d have a worthy disguise. With Supes’ new more Brooklyn friendly look, it makes sense that the confident impetuous youth also try to jump on the retro fashion bandwagon with this waxed super ‘stache, since he can’t find a needle strong enough to give him that neck tattoo.