EAST AURORA, NY—Remarking upon the toy’s lack of removable parts and childproof battery compartment, Fisher-Price designer Matthew Hayden told reporters Thursday that he’d like to see a 2-year-old just try and choke on the newest version of the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail. “I’m telling you, this thing is rock solid. A toddler is welcome to cram it in their mouth and give it their best shot, but there’s no damn way any piece is coming off,” said Hayden, noting that a child aged 6-24 months would have to have “a hell of a big mouth” to be able to swallow the toy’s sliding ladybug component. “Go ahead, leave a kid unattended with the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail for five minutes and see if anything happens. If a 2-year-old finds a way to lodge any part of this in his trachea, completely obstructing airflow and resulting in death, I’d be impressed. Hell, I’d give him a standing ovation.” Hayden, who confirmed that while there was “no fucking way” a 2-year-old could choke on any part of the Crawl-Along Snail, said he couldn’t speak to whether or not the toy’s paint contained any carcinogens.

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