Heaven – After discovering his local Best Buy was closed for Christmas, a visibly frustrated Jesus Christ, savior of mankind, was unable to understand why the vast majority of his flock wasn’t at work, even though December 25th is His birthday, not theirs. The Son of God grew even more agitated when the Quiznos across the street was also closed.

“I’m not mad, it’s just funny to me,” said a visibly stone-faced Right Hand of the Father. “So everyone, even non-believers, get my birthday off and pretty much everything just stops on a Tuesday, but I’m supposed to be on 24/7 prayer duty, even if it’s, oh I don’t know, Tonya Chapman’s 44th birthday?”

When followers pointed out that the day is reserved to remember his’ birth and celebrate his arrival, the King of Kings scoffed, rolled his eyes, and proceeded to give an overly exaggerated wanking gesture.

“Yeah, sure, real big celebration there. Some of you go to church – which I thought we agreed you were supposed to do every Sunday, what with the whole dying for your sins and going to Hell for three days in order to grant repentance to the entire human race for the folly of Adam, the first of mankind – and then go home and open presents and see whatever movie the Rock is starring in. Wow. What devotion.”

Despite insisting that “it’s not a big deal” and that He was “just making some interesting observations”, the Lamb of God pressed on after he witnessed a family playing with their new toys.

“I can’t help but notice that no one got me anything, again. I’m so glad that Max Cooper is enjoying his DJI Phantom drone, maybe I would’ve liked one as well.

“Just because I’m omnipotent and omniscient doesn’t mean I don’t like to be pampered every once in awhile too. Especially on, I don’t know, my birthday.”

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