When not busy whining via various social media platforms, conservatives have spent the past few days trying to figure out how two really wholesome-looking Ken dolls lost out to a black guy. Now, the head of the Christian Men's Defense Network has some groundbreaking analysis: Romney failed to capitalize on the "Slut Vote." Let him explain.


Noted theorist Bill O'Reilly has posited/groused that Obama's re-election proves that "the white establishment is now the minority... It's not a traditional America anymore," a theory backed up by polling data: Obama scored 75% of the Latino vote, 73% of the Asian-American vote, and 93% of the black vote, while only 44% of women voted for Mitt "I'll protect your right to cook dinner 4Eva" Romney.

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But bskillet81, head of the Christian Men's Defense Network, has an alternate theory that may be worth pursuing. In a piece called "What the Right Doesn't Get About Elections" (currently set to private, along with the rest of his site — thankfully Google cache is "something God intended") — bskillet81, apparently his party's answer to Nate Silver even though his name sounds more like my friend from summer camp's AOL screenname, knows the truth: the Democrats had a multi-pronged strategy that enabled them to get out the Slut Vote. Here's how it worked:

1. Obama knew he needed those lady votes, and he knew, as does everyone, that most ladies are sluts.

Women make up about 54% of the electorate. It is very hard to win without winning that segment, or at least losing it only narrowly while winning men big. While the right usually wins married women, the fact is that married women constitute an ever-decreasing share of the female population. Women want to delay marriage as long as possible so they can "have it all," and usually "have it all" means "have as much hot alpha sex as possible without any consequences." And thus, less married women and more sluts (not that these two groups are mutually exclusive, per se)

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I DID notice that "Alpha Sex" proposition on my voting ballot!

2. LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Obama got the black vote because of sluts, too. Black sluts!

Contrary to common belief, the primary reason the Democrats own the black vote has nothing to do with civil rights...Rather, Democrats have won the black vote because the black community is dominated by illegitimacy, and the Democrats are willing to subsidize and support that illegitimacy (as well as provide access to cheap abortions) so as to take away from sluts the consequences of their actions. Consequently, young black people grow up on the dole and not only never realize there might be something wrong with that, but eventually come to believe that's the way it should be. The Democrats have won the black vote by first "empowering" single black mothers.


3. Then there are the "Daddy's Little Princess" sluts — never accuse bskillet81 of lumping all sluts together!

...white suburban sluts start from a place of relative wealth and privilege (daddy's little princess). Thus, food stamps–and increased rewards for having illegitimate kids while on food stamps–don't (yet) appeal to them. So instead Obama appealed to rich white sluts by forcing someone else (the Catholic church, in this case) to pay for their birth control, and by scaring them about alleged threats to their ability to take advantage of Planned Parenthood's services (Planned Parenthood being conveniently located in the minority part of town, of course, so as to provide anonymity to visiting white girls whose white girl friends never go over there–except to visit Planned Parenthood themselves). This created a wedge issue in the suburban community that allowed Obama to play more strongly there than he might have if the election ended up purely about the economy or the national debt.


4. All women do have one thing in common, however:

One thing one has to remember about women, especially slutty ones: They usually don't make decisions based on reason. So all the Obama administration had to do was scare them that Mitt Romney was going to take away their birth control and their access to abortion. The fear for them is that, without birth control and abortion, they might actually get pregnant and have to give birth. That is scary not simply because of the economic burden of having a child (since, hey, they can get all kinds of cash and prizes if that happens), but because if that happened then everyone would know they're sluts, and their image as daddy's pure little snowflake princess goes out the window.


Got it? Nonsensical women (and black people?) thought they'd blow their slut-cover if Romney won. Also, the Obama Campaign was selling some really cute pink thongs.

There was also the BONUS EMERGENCY SLUT-ALERT that went into effect last week: create hurricane, make Obama look sexy as result:

I'll be the first to admit it. A couple weeks ago I predicted a Romney win. I predicted this largely because he played up his alpha cred in the first debate. But one photo-op on the Jersey Shore with Obama looking tough in a bomber jacket destroyed all that, which is yet another reason sane societies don't let women get involved in government.


Okay! We understand how this complicated slut strategy went down. But what did Romney do wrong? Did he fail to understand that all women are inherently worthless whores? Yep! You see, Romney is such an upstanding man that he expected more of our country's women. Therein lies his downfall.

The right loses the female vote primarily because so many of them still operate from a feminist world-view: Women are pure, perfect, kind, and altruistic, and the only reason they "get into trouble" is that some evil, conniving, manipulative man tricked them into sleeping with the entire football team. Twice. And so, the Republicans believe they can win the female vote by focusing on education, or (as Romney did in the third debate) "peace," or whatever feel-good idea the right can talk about without selling its soul too transparently.


In conclusion, Romney was just too feminist to win the slut vote. Or, in bskillet81's words:

However, this election cycle shows that the Slut Vote is real, and Republicans lose because they discount the existence of original sin in women. Abortion is often called the "third rail of American politics," but in truth, the third rail is a woman's right to slut (with cash and prizes).


Maybe they should've given out "I Slut-Voted!" stickers at the polling booths this year. We would've worn them, with pride.