The Coachella Scavenger Hunt

Despite its original intention of being a Woodstock-esque music festival, where people could frolic in the sun while listening to a wide array of music in the vast Indio Valley, Coachella weekend has turned into every other holiday during the year: an excuse to drink ungodly amounts of alcohol, drop acid, and dress like a whore.

Being a certified judgmental asshole, I have collected a list of sights that you will without a doubt witness during the coming weekend, if you were lucky enough to get tickets before they sold out. I know you’re thinking, “I just want to go enjoy the music,” but hey, if someone can turn Schindler’s List into a drinking game, then I can turn Coachella into a scavenger hunt. Good luck.

The peace sign/duck face combo pose

Let it be known, any female who is going to Coachella has been meticulously trying to get down to a frightening, Skeletor-rivaling weight. However, with the weekend a mere 2 days away, they will have failed at doing so, probably due to their tri-weekly, self-loathing drinking binges. To compensate for their inability to look like a meth addict, they will pull out the same pose in every photo. Huge glasses, awkward duck face, peace sign, and Stephen Hawking-level muscular dystrophy slouch. This is a tradition at Coachella which dates back to the early 2000s, when genuine music appreciation died forever.

Someone who paid over $500 for their ticket

If you’ve been on Craigslist over the past 24 hours, you’ll note that due to the selling out of the festival, people are offering disgusting amounts of money for tickets, along with tear-filled, my-mom-died-that’s-why-I-didn’t-get-tickets pleas that are kinda super hilarious. On a side note, last year I walked in without showing my ticket. I imagine that if this happens to someone who sold their soul for a ticket, the anger that will erupt will cause some sort of spontaneous combustion. (Double points if you get blood on your shirt)

A “celebrity”, followed by 16-year-olds taking pictures of them

Celebrity is a term I use loosely. Usual suspects are the cellulite-ridden Mischa Barton, creepy face Chloe Sevigny, or Nicole Richie, who, incidentally, is the super gross inspiration for all the duck face/peace sign retards. However, there will be someone snapping shots of them, so it’s in your best interest to try and photobomb one of these pictures.

Tits, ass, or dick





Triple points if they are all on the same body.

Someone with a compound fracture

Did you know they’re putting a roller skating rink up at Coachella this year? Awesome right? I mean, what could go wrong with having a room where thousands of people tripping balls on their drug of choice can try to move in a circle on SHOES with WHEELS on HARD WOOD even though they haven’t attempted this activity since they were SEVEN? Anyway, I can guarantee there will be a plethora of broken bones, but it only counts if the bone is poking through the skin, sort of like the gopher in Caddyshack.

Someone having a shitty acid trip

Hint: look for the 18-year-old whose friends pressured her into it. She will be crying, and probably gripping handfuls of grass for dear life.

A baby

Just because Coachella is technically an all-ages show, you should have to have actually reached a whole number to come. These babies will generally be on someone’s shoulders getting a sunburn and a massive contact high.

Someone throwing up from heat stroke

It’s the desert. It’s hot. It’s dry. There’s barely any shade. However, this will not stop the extremely retarded person from declining water in favor of beer. Somewhere around 5 or 6 pm, you’ll notice that guy standing over a trashcan (or not), vomiting like he’s training for the Red Berets, when really he’s just been smoking a shit ton of pot and eating Philly cheese steaks all day.

The first-annual Coachella scavenger hunt winner must provide photos of each of these phenomena, and will win a poke from yours truly. ON FACEBOOK YOU DICKHEAD.

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