Dr. Bronner Mad With Power After Finding 19th Use for Soap

VISTA, Calif. — The discovery of a 19th use for Dr. Bronner’s All-One hemp castile soap has members of the company going absolutely mad with power, concerned sources report.

“I was bringing in a shipment of rose oil when I heard this insane, maniacal laughter coming from the office,” said visibly shaken warehouse manager Karina Holmes, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. “It was something about ‘19 uses — yes, yes!’ and ‘Absolute cleanliness is absolute godliness’ and ‘I, the King of Soap!’ Kind of weird for a Tuesday.”

When reached for comment, Dr. Bronner’s CEO David Bronner confirmed suspicions.

“They’ll do whatever I tell them!” he yelled from behind a closed and locked door. “I’ve got them washing floors with shampoo, the fools!”

Additional members of the Bronner family, however, are struggling to deal with the “total meltdown” from updating the iconic packaging to include a 19th way to use the soap — which, for over 50 years, included only 18 suggested uses.

“Do you know how small we have to make that font on the label to make room for a 19th use?” said Bronner’s wife and company co-president Kathy Bronner. “I casually suggested we cut some of the random Bible references, but he just kept whispering, ‘All-one, Kath, All-one,’ with this unnerving grin I’d never seen before.”

Phil “Banjo Man” Lyle, a cashier at the Prickly Pear Cooperative, found additional, unexpected issues from the change after a man believed to be David Bronner himself burst into the store and dramatically swept all bottles of his product off the shelf, claiming they were now “obsolete.”

“He was wearing a burlap mask, but we all knew it was Bronner because of the intense peppermint smell,” Lyle said when reached for comment. “He was ranting about how ‘he hath bequeathed us a 19th use for our mortal needs’ or whatever. When I was clocking out, he was still reciting poetry near the pastry aisle.”

When asked what, exactly, was the “revolutionary” 19th use, Lyle could only guess.

“I think he might have said, like, ‘Safe for washing your horse,’ or something. Or maybe that’s already on there,” he said. “I don’t know. I’ve actually never read the label. It’s just soap.”