My Deal With The Devil

I made my deal with the devil at eight years old. I had no idea what I was doing. In one fell swoop I mortgaged my youth, my rest, and, at points, my sanity. I don’t know the exact time or date. But it happened somewhere around that time. It was not a conscious decision. There was no visit from an enticing stranger offering the world for my soul. The decision was much more subtle.

The devil offered much for what seemed like a reasonable price. How can a child make such decisions? Even as an adult I cannot say if I would take the same deal over again. As the years pass, certainties become more elusive. The gray takes over where once black and white sufficed.

That’s right. When I decided to become a doctor, I made my deal with the devil.

Was it worth it?

What the Devil Gave

I could write books outlining all the positive ways my deal with the devil has impacted my life.

Meaning. Everyday, I go to work and do something meaningful. I become a part of other’s lives. I have the great opportunity to step in at the appropriate time and give exactly what is needed. There is no greater sense of purpose on this earth than helping our fellow man. No greater sense of achievement than reaching out to a tortured soul and offering relief and assurance.

The devil granted this opportunity in spades.

Financial Independence. Since this is a personal finance blog, let’s not forget the money. As careers go, being a physician offers substantial financial rewards. In short order I have been able to develop a main hustle and bevy of side hustles purely based on my profession. My skills translate into so many different professional categories. A range of businesses could benefit from my skills if I want to consult, or ever decide to become an employee again.

Freedom. And let’s not forget freedom. I have the freedom to run my business, set my own hours, and steer my own ship. I could not think of a career path more suited to my specific needs and interests.

What The Devil Asked For In Return

It was a steep bargain, my deal with the devil, that I made at eight years old. He offered everything but asked for even more in return. As mentioned above, the benefits are wonderful. The costs, however, remain a struggle.

Youth. I gave my youth to this profession. I suffered through four years of college, four years of medical school, and three of residency. These were tense, anxious years often bereft of sleep. I sacrificed friendships, relationships, and the carefree attitude of my peers.

Even after finishing my training, the sacrifices continued. 12 hour work days followed by late night phone calls. Missing out on trips out of the country and leaving early from family get togethers. I might not have been resident anymore, but I was sure living like one.

Patience. Before medical training, I considered myself patient, kind and considerate. Years of fighting tooth and nail, at all hours of the day, with people who are wrestling for limited resources, has ruined me. I get inpatient at the drop of a dime. I stomp my feet like a toddler, cringe, and force my will on those around me. While this works great at 2am in the hospital when one of your patients is dying, it is rather frowned upon in the grocery line. Unfortunately, it is only after I have made an ass of myself that I realize the difference.

Innocence. When a person dies, and you look down at your own hands and feel responsible, something breaks. It’s your innocence. Your life will never be the same. The beautiful dream of rushing into the room and saving the world disappears. That hope that carried you through all those tough years of medical school shatters right there in your face.

The devil is a cruel, cruel soul.

Was It Worth It?

Yes. For the first time in years I am going to say it. It was totally worth it. I wasn’t sure about it until recently. As I slowly withdraw from the practice of medicine, I see what an utter privilege this all has been.

Am I a little beaten and bruised?

For sure. I’m still trying to sort out what all the suffering I have seen (and occasionally felt) means.

And of course, if I figure it out, I will share it here with you!

How about you? Have you made any deals with the devil? Did they get you where you wanted to go?