It’s that time of the week again. That time when I’ve watched the newest Outlander episode enough times to brave watching it with my oh-so-chatty spouse.

Last week we had some great replies from a ton of you who also had chatty husbands and boyfriends, so we wanted to start a hashtag so we could all share them together. Trying to come up with a usable hashtag that didn’t take up 135 of your 140 characters wasn’t easy. #ThingsMyHusbandSaysDuringOutlander and #OutlanderTheater3000 don’t quite roll off the fingertips. But our very funny friend and That’s Normal reader, Heidi, suggested “blurtlander,” and it stuck.

So, from here on out, if you’re sitting around watching with your husband, your boyfriend or your roommate, and they have something you feel the need to share with the class, tweet us and use the hashtag #blurtlander. We’ll retweet our favorites for sure.

This week, he kept guessing stuff that was about to happen before it happened. It’s like he was Mrs. Graham reading tea leaves, but really he’s just a perceptive little shit watching TV. Watch for it.

Previously, according to #blurtlander

So is Jimmy Mac gonna get beat down in every episode?

Sounds awesome to me.

First Look at Claire’s Bottles

EL EXPector … what?

This is some Harry Potter rip-off crap.

Snape’s gonna show up, guaranteed.

Opening Scene

Why is she dressed up like a soldier?

Was she in the military?

I thought she was just like a medical assistant.

Went to DeVry.

Did he just grab her ass in public? No one did that back then.



Back in the Castle …

Ooooo transitioning with the pensive music.



Well, she legit just did the Ice Bucket Challenge.

What if everyone who did that had to do it naked? THAT’s how you raise money for charity.

“You have such lovely skin.” (giggles)



Real Quick Dialogue Addendum

Claire: Mrs. Fitz, may I tell you something?

Him: I’ve got a c*ck.

Claire: It’s about my husband.

Him: He’s got a mangina.

Mrs. Fitz: Is he no a good man?

Him: He’s gay.

Claire: He hasn’t been born yet.

Him: [giggles]

…

Claire: The stone circle … do you know it?

Him: Girl, youse craze.

…

Claire: I’m not even sure I can get back to my own time.

Him: I can’t get to 88 miles per hour.

Claire: Do you think they’d believe me?

Him: No.

Good Guess, #1

She’s gonna think she’s a witch for saying all of this.

See? Told ya.

Wait. Did none of that actually happen. RIP OFF.

Dr. Claire, Medicine Woman

Eewwwww*

*[wood lice]

Could be worse, it could be PUBIC lice.

Looks like she’s collecting bottles of urine. Scottish urine.



What’s he jacking off with that sword for?

Kitchen Gossip

I can’t understand wtf they’re talking about.

Something about some black demons or some bulls***.

BLACK COCK? What in the actual …



They just need to speak English. This is getting ridiculous.



Probably an old tranny lived up there or something.

(giggles)



Colum’s Lair

What are they doing with this old bow legged mfer now?



That tailor guy’s stole George Washington’s wooden teeth.

What is he about to do? Does he want her to [CENSORED] or something?

Oh a massage. ok.



Crooked old d**k.



Good Guess #2

Oh, I bet she’s gonna have to look at his ass the whole time.

LOOK AT THEM LEGS. Ew. Ew. Ew.

How do they even film those things?

I think his nuts are up under there

YEP, there’s his old nuts.

(giggles)



I hope he wiped his ass good, blech.

(giggles)



Easing the pain … yeah, I think she’s easing something for him.



He’s waiting for his happy ending, Sassewhat.

Good Guess #3

He’ll probably feel better than ever tonight.

The Concert

[he requires a full explanation of the feral cat line]

I wonder if Jamie took the beating for that chick because she was beating him?

MMMhmmm.

Good Guess #4

Gonna have some jealousy aren’t we?

He’s Not Into Welshmen

OMG. Nasally motherf***er.

[guffaws]

I was thinking this was the chick from the garden but it’s not the same girl.

So is he poking it or not?



Good lord, she’s getting DEEEERUNK.

I can’t understand him at all. What did he say?

Is she gonna deal with his bandages in front of everyone?

Oh no, he wants to go poke her.

Hold this, slut. We got some grown up things to do.

Back in the surgery …

GOD. What is he SAYING?

Talking about floggin’ the mule is what it sounds like.

Ewwww. Please don’t tell me you think this scab conversation is sexy.



You don’t think my scabs are sexy, like ever.

Is it because I haven’t been shot? Because I can go downtown tomorrow.

He’s Confused About The Kids

Wait. I thought the boy died already.



Uh oh. Her guard aint gonna follow her now.



(giggles)

Oh that’s the cook lady isn’t it?

What are they chanting? Bonkers.



THIS BIT(ch)

WHAAATTT. Jamie getting it on with chickadee. 16 year old chickadeee.

(giggles)

Told ya he boned it.

Murtagh Came Outta Nowhere

Is that her dad?

The girl’s dad

Is he saying Jamie could get killed by the girl’s dad or something?

What does he care?

So does he want her to hook up with him?

Yanno, Claire, you could get him if you wanted him. He probably wouldn’t give you no cunnilingus though.

[that’s what HE thinks]

Real Quick Dialogue Addendum

Geillis: There are things in this world we can’t explain.

Him: Like wtf your vest is made of.

Geillis’ House Scene

This is why catholics are all non sexed-up.

Claire: What’s going on down there?

Him: They’re coming to get you, you witch.

Wait. So is he healed now?

[I tell him it’s a different kid.]



HOW MANY YOUNG BOYS ARE IN THIS ONE EPISODE?!?! Geez.

That’s her husband? Well, he’s a looker. Makes sense.

Oh, sicknast.



She’s gonna give him a lap dance after all that gas? Dang.

Just beat the kid sh**less instead. Y’all like that.

One YEAR. Nailed up? He has to sit there for a year??!?!?!??

[farts] Jesus.

WTF is she wearing, seriously?



They’re gonna cut this kid’s ear off?

That’s gonna hurt like a mfer.

They nail it with him standing there? Or cut it off??

I’d rather that happen than have a hand cut off.

Good Guess #5

Wait. Does he have to rip it off to get free? Will no one help him?

I’d be like efff you to that bully kid. Stand up and rip my ear off. Then beat that kid senseless.

Hope they cleaned that nail.

He Gets Geillis

Look at those red shoes.

She looks like a vixen. Or a mmmm .… she’s the devil. LOOK AT HER!



Oh, she likes her some McTavish.



Oh yes, very soon, G-lady. LEZBOS FO LYFE. Sisters before misters.

Good Guess #6



Can he get in trouble for doing that? For pulling him off?

No way he could’ve pulled that nail out by the way. Maybe if he pulled it down and then up. But I’m calling bullsh** on that one.



It still sounds like he said black cock. Visiting the black cock is a way to prove your manhood indeed.

Good Guess #7

I’m sure it’s just some kind of poisonous berry.

Dude. You want her too bad. Slow your game down. Jesus.

Good Guess #8

Time for this kid’s Last Rites.

(guffaws) Vapors of Hell. No, that’s my period. That’s just the red tide rolling in.

That woman* has one facial expression. Close your trap, mouth breather.

*Mrs. Baxter

Wait. I thought Mad Dog* was his mom.

*Mrs. Fitz

Oh, she embarrassed him in front of the womenfolk.



“God will have the last word.” No, your pride will, d-bag.

Does bow-legged McGangly have enough power to hold the priest off?

Final Scene

Well, you let your hair down, Claire, and that’s why everyone thinks you look like Satan now. Put on a kerchief like everyone else, hooker.



She has earrings in.

Well, that’s a convenient song for her to hear.

His Final Review

IDK.

Disclaimer: All opinions are his own. I do not endorse.

I use that disclaimer in real life as well.

Don’t forget to check out Talking Outlander every week after the episode. We get together with Hypable and non-fans to talk about the latest episode, the best gif moments and kiltboners. Here’s the one from this week. Watch live with us and you can join in the conversation!

gif source: outlander-starz.tumblr.com