My birthdays were always difficult for me. I never understood why people get all excited about it and look forward for the celebration. For me, every birthday felt like a burden. Why would I want to celebrate something that I hate so much?

Even before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I didn’t like my birthdays. When I was little, I was very shy, and my mother used to organize these big parties with lot of kids. The only thing I wanted to do is to crawl back to my room and hug my dolls, they were my source of comfort and validation.

As I grew up, I already started to feel like a failure and didn’t think I deserved to celebrate anything. Plus, the anxiety of people not showing up, made it an awful day for me. It was also a reminder of my social life and how hard was for me to make friends and keep them. Although on the outside it never seemed this way, I was in a constant struggle.

My first suicide attempt was on my 20th birthday. So symbolic! Not only wanting to kill myself but also destroying what started all the unbearable suffering and self-hatred. I didn’t know back then about my condition, I only knew I wasn’t perfect and felt worthless because of that.

All or nothing, there’s no in between

That’s all I saw, only 2 possibilities: either you are PERFECT or NOTHING. This is how living with BPD feels, a perpetual swing between all and nothing, black and white. A roller coaster of difficulties to regulate emotions and consequently behaviors, self-image and interpersonal relationship. The pain and distress caused by it isn’t exclusive for the individual suffering from the disorder, but it also affects the family and loved ones.

Throughout the years, I went to different mental health professionals which helped me with certain symptoms. Sometimes I got better for a while, other times it didn’t make any difference and the periods where I tried to ignore what I was going through were the worst. While BPD often occurs with other mental issues, I knew that something was missing.

I love knowledge, so I looked for answers. I needed to know that the terrible way I treated myself and others wasn’t my fault. So I researched and found out about the condition and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I got the diagnosed with BPD. I didn’t want to be labeled, no one wants to feel more “crazy” than he already does. I was hopeless and desperately looking for assistance.

Slowly getting better

Almost a year ago, I started DBT. I finally found a therapy that makes me feel understood and validates my emotions and thoughts. I also learned skills to help me cope with my existence. I’m now more aware of who I am and I’m not in a never-ending war with myself anymore.

Learning to change the way I have been taught to think about myself and the pattern of behaviors I had for years, is a very difficult task. Letting myself feel what I feel without judging and being tolerable is a whole new world for me. I must be aware of every emotion I experience, to be able to pause and not going back to act impulsively. It’s a constant choice I have to take, but it worth the effort.

I’m building a new way of living. I wake up in the morning and smile, I even smiled when I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday! I’m capable of having discussions without exploding and loosing control. I accept others’ differences without feeling threatened about it. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for almost a month. I can recognize my destructive thoughts and not to get stuck on them. I’m able to communicate how I feel, to tell others when I’m having a bad moment and to sooth myself. I exercise, meditate and use positive affirmations on a daily basis.

This time it will be different

With my upcoming birthday next week, I’m not anxious. I choose to be grateful for what I have. My husband, my family, my pets and a few friends.

I’m learning to accept myself as I am. I recognize that I have good parts and that I’m not only bad or “not good enough”. I try to accept that BPD isn’t a monster, it’s a part of me that I might not like but I must learn how to live with it in order to be able to live peacefully. Fighting it only turns every moment to an unbearable suffering.

Getting the correct diagnosis was the most crucial step into finding the most appropriate treatment. I still have hard days and I’ll always be a highly sensitive person but now I have tools to handle difficulties and I don’t get lost in an emotional hurricane. Even if I struggle, I’m able to remind myself that not everything is lost. I’m worthy, capable and deserve to have a worth living life.