For many years, rectal cancer has dwelled in the shadows of more prominent, sexier forms of cancers that take place in the breast and prostate, with its lumps indifferently lumped into the catchall “colorectal” cancer, rather than being recognized as the very special, specifically located cancer that it is. But one rectal cancer sufferer is hoping to shine a little light where the light never goes: Michelle L. Dobrawsky, afflicted with what she terms “the funniest cancer of all,” has reached out to South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone in an effort to convince them to license their relentlessly positive poo Mr. Hankey as the official “spokesturd” for rectal cancer, asking them to consider putting him on everything from baseball caps and T-shirts to “a shade of lipstick and a candy bar” in order to raise awareness of the disease.


“As a rectal cancer patient, I spend a lot of time focusing on that particular area, and its particular output,” Dobrawsky says in her open letter. “And to generate, painlessly, productively and naturally, a perfect Mr. Hankey, is the goal of my treatment. (That, and not dying.)” Dobrawksy points out that, at present, the only marketing being done for rectal cancer is through a “drab, navy blue” ribbon, which hardly captures the disease’s unique personality. Perhaps with Mr. Hankey on board, more people will finally embrace rectal cancer as the cancer with a sense of humor? No word on how this would affect the current mascot for assholes with cancer, Lance Armstrong. (Just kidding, Lance! Thanks for all the fundraising and wristbands and stuff.)