If you clicked on a headline marked “Six Things Trump Could Say And Still Get Elected,” there’s a good chance that you’re not voting for the guy. But it’s it’s kinda crazy to think: no matter how many times he insults the grieving parents of fallen soldiers, there’s still a legitimate chance he’ll be elected! In fact, here’s a long list of things Mr. Trump could say and still win. He hasn’t actually said any of these things (yet) (that we know of), but he could reel off every single one and still poll at like 45% in the popular vote.

You can already imagine the wheels spinning in campaign director Paul Manafort’s head. “How ‘innocent’ was this baby?” Manafort would dryly intone on MSNBC. “Was she even that cute? And why did her parents leave her alone with Mr. Trump in the first place? (“That’s just bad parenting, Wolf!”)

“Well, George, are you saying it wouldn’t feel amazing to have sex with our greatest president?” screams Katrina Pierson at George Stephanopoulos. “And I’ll admit, this whole thing where his inner monologue just comes screaming out of his mouth is new, but at least he’s a politician that speaks his mind, unlike Crooked Hillary, who won’t even talk to the press! Oh wait, I gotta go, he just started rambling about how much he loves Putin. Which he doesn’t!”

“The kid came onto Mr. Trump,” says Corey Lewandowski to his CNN colleagues. “He’s a rich, powerful man…that’s just to be expected. Mr. Trump simply complied with what he felt to be an honest request from a big fan to see. It was all very innocent, and the kid was never alone with Mr. Trump, as there were lots and lots of other kids in the room. I don’t know where the kid is getting the Pikachu thing from, though, as it’s common knowledge that Mr. Trump calls his penis ‘Bulbous-saur.’”

“Mr. Trump was clearly joking,” says a robot that is programmed only to lie on Meet The Press. “He’s known who Hitler is since military school, and Mr. Trump’s favorite book is Mein Kampf. I mean, wait, no, I mean The Bible. Wow, it’s a good thing nobody gets fired on this campaign. Wait, what do you mean this is live? Hah, just kidding, I know it’s live.”

“Well isn’t America already pretty great, Chuck Todd, you fat fuck?” says Donald Trump, wearing a big fake Groucho nose and glasses, into a megaphone outside Chuck Todd’s daughter’s house. “Why do you hate America so much that you think a guy could single-handedly make it great again? Fuck you, Chuck Todd, you moleman looking motherfucker. I will dance the macarena on your grave.”

“This is such a non-story,” says Eric Trump into a mirror, seven years from now, moments before the world ends. “Way to simply parrot Clinton campaign talking points. Way to…a-heh. A-hah-hah-hah-hah-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAAAA!”



Asterios Kokkinos is a comedian in Los Angeles and a real New Yorker.

Note: This is satire. Donald Trump has never said any of these things.