Chapter Text

Based on these hilarious hilarious tweets by @NotNossy





It had all started so innocently. They just wanted to check the pitch ahead of their game. Something they had done countless times before. But never at the MCG, and that’s where things went wrong.

“We should check out the pitch,” Kane had said to Brendon and he was met with a nod from his captain. Trent, Tim, Corey and Daniel who were hanging out together decided to go with them.

Together, the six of them stood behind the boundary rope of the MCG, a carpet of grass stretching out as far as they could see.

“Can you guys see the stumps?” Corey asked, squinting his eyes at the huge pitch in front of them. “All I can see is grass.”

Daniel shrugged his shoulders and stepped over the boundary rope. “It can’t be that far,” he said and off he went. The five others followed behind him, like ducklings following their mother.

***

Two hours passed and the stumps were still not in sight. “I’m thirsty,” Tim complained, shielding his eyes from the glaring sun. He regretted not applying any sunscreen before leaving the hotel. His face was going to be red as a baboon’s ass by the time they got back. “Any of you got water or something?”

Brendon tossed him a bottle of water. “That’s all we’ve got, so share it with the rest,” he told Tim.

Tim ignored Brendon’s words and downed nearly half the bottle.

“Hey!” Trent shouted and tried to snatch the bottle out of Tim’s hands. “Leave some for us, you idiot,” he said as he tried to take the bottle away from Tim.

“Boys, boys,” Daniel interrupted. “No fighting.” He turned to Brendon and sighed. “We should head back. We’re not going to reach it today.”

Brendon nodded in reply. “We should have taken the bus.”

“Yeah,” Kane said. “I thought they were mocking us when they said the MCG was big… I never expected this.”

The six of them turned around, mentally preparing for the long walk back.

***

“I think we’re lost,” Daniel said, stating the obvious as they had been walking for hours and the MCG building was still nowhere to be seen. “What if we’ve been walking in circles?”

“We should call for help,” Trent said, reaching for his phone. He unlocked it and then he sighed. “No reception. We’ve gone too far!”

The other men also looked at their phone, Kane holding his one up as high as he could, hoping it would help. “Nothing.”

“Mine’s dead,” Tim said, a large pout covering his sunburnt face.

“That’s because you were using the camera to check yourself out every five minutes,” Trent replied, sliding his phone back into his pocket.

“Because my face is burning off here!” Tim complained, gently touching his cheek. The mild touch stung. “I’ll be covered in boils by the time we get back.”

“No you won’t. The sun will set soon and things will cool down,” Brendon pointed out. “I hope we will have found our way back before it gets too dark.”

“Okay, so no phones,” Daniel stated. “We’ll just keep on walking then.”

***

“I’m so hungry,” Corey complained. “I haven’t eaten since this morning,” he added and then he looked at Trent. “We should eat him,” he said, pointing at Trent. “We can miss him.”

“Hey!” Trent protested and glared at Corey. When he saw the hungry look in the other man’s eyes, though, he quickly hid behind Tim. “Shit, he’s serious,” he said, grabbing the hem of Tim’s shirt. “Protect me.”

“Don’t be so stupid,” Kane replied, shaking his head. “Trent’s too skinny, there’s no meat on him,” he added with an evil smirk. “The only one we can eat is Corey. We need Baz for the game, should we ever find our way back,” he reasoned. “Dan’s too old, I bet his meat will be too tough.”

The other men tried to protest, but before they could, Kane continued. “And judging by the colour of Tim’s face, he’s already overdone and I like my meat slightly undercooked. And I’m too young to die.”

“I’m younger than you are,” Corey said, clearly not happy with being put on the menu for dinner.

“By a few months, doesn’t really matter,” Kane replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Eating you will give us more chances of survival. You’re taller and more muscular so you’ll provide us with more meat than I would.”

“Guys,” Dan interrupted. “We’re not going to eat anyone.”

“What do you suggest we do then?” Kane asked and stopped walking. “It’s been ages and there’s still no sign of any civilization. We clearly got lost! It’s going to be completely dark soon, we’ll never find our way back.”

“We could use Dan’s glasses to make a fire,” Brendon suggested, looking up at the older man. “Set a shirt on fire or something. Attract attention from an airplane.”

“I can’t see a thing without my glasses,” Daniel protested, pressing his glasses further up his nose.

“If it gets dark you won’t see a thing anyway,” Brendon replied. “Hold him back, boys,” he ordered and waited for his teammates to hold Daniel in a firm grip. Grateful for all the fielding practice he had done in his life, he jumped up and managed to snatch Daniel’s glasses from his face. “Damn, you’re tall,” he murmured and crouched down. “Keep him back, this shouldn’t take long.”

Daniel tried to break free, but the four younger men had him in a tight grip. He stopped struggling when he realized it was a waste of his energy. They were too strong.

Brendon took off his shirt and placed it in front of him. Then he covered it with some dry grass. He broke Daniel’s glasses in half and used one half to channel some sunbeams onto the grass, heating them up.

“Hey, look, Dan, you can still use this part as a monocle!” Trent beamed and let go of Daniel to pick up the other half of the glasses. “How cool is that?” he asked while breaking the arm off. He pressed the ‘monocle’ against his face, trying to hold it in place by squeezing his eye half shut. “N’awww, it’s too big. It doesn’t work,” he said and threw the remaining piece of Daniel’s glasses over his shoulder.

“Did you really have to do that?” Daniel asked, squinting his eyes at Trent.

“Guys, it’s working!” Brendon exclaimed. The men looked at their captain (Tim, Trent, Corey and Kane did anyway, Daniel was looking at a point somewhere near Brendon). The black shirt was in flames. “Might need some more things to throw on the fire soon.”

***

More time passed and every once in a while a piece of clothing ended up on the fire, to keep it alive.

After a few more hours, the six cricket players were all sitting around the fire, in just their underwear. The sun had set and things were starting to cool down. They huddled around the fire and hoped someone would see it soon and send help.

“What’s wrong with Tim?” Brendon asked, throwing a worried look at the younger man. “Why is he mooing?”

“I think he’s lost it,” Trent told him. “Now the light has gone, he can’t use the screen of his phone as a mirror anymore. He hasn’t seen himself for more than an hour now.”

“Moooooo!” Tim was sitting on the ground on all fours, sniffing the grass. Trent sat next to him, stroking his head. “Poor Tim.”

“Mooo!”

“I know, mate, I know,” Trent whispered as if he could understand every ‘moo’ that was coming from Tim’s mouth. Kane had an inkling that he actually did understand. Trent and Tim had always had a strange, sort of psychic connection. They could understand one another without speaking, or sometimes even without looking at each other. One time they were in separate rooms when Trent suddenly stood up and grabbed a soda from the fridge and told Kane he was going to bring it Tim, because the man was thirsty. “We’ll get back one way or another,” Trent went on. “And when we do, I’ll help you apply a face mask, alright?” he said as he kept on petting Tim’s head. “You’ll look as beautiful as you always do.”

“Moooooo…”

***

By the time the rescue helicopter had arrived, the sun was already starting to rise again. Only Daniel had managed to stay awake during the night, feeling responsible for the younger men. Wearing the part of his glasses that Brendon had used to start the fire, he kept a close eye one them, making sure that no rodent or stray Aussie bit them while they slept.

“Moo?”

“Yes, Tim, we’re going back now.” Trent sent his friend a smile as they were helped into the helicopter. “Everything will be okay.”