Today is Take Your Child to Work Day. Emphasis on "your." Get that part wrong, it could be Take Yourself to Jail Day.

Now half of me hates this day. I don't like sharing the elevator with people who are one-tenth my age, but 100 percent my height. Plus, this means Dana has to watch her language in the halls.

And we all know she's filthy.

ON TAKE YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY, TEACH YOUR KIDS THIS ABOUT JUGGLING CAREER, FAMILY

Also, it’s hard to fire someone who has their kid with them. How do you do that? Maybe tell the parent to wait outside, then tell the kid "hey, your dad's fired."

So Take Your Child to Work Day has now become the day you can't swear or fire anyone.

And that's wrong for people like Dana, who enjoy swearing and making people cry.

Also, I don't have kids, so today is really no different than yesterday. Except with more screaming. Which scares the kids when I do it.

But the other half of me embraces this day. After all, it’s good that your kids see what people do for a living. They need to learn that money isn’t something that mysteriously regenerates in a wallet. Mom and Dad have to work to pay for your clothes, your toys, your worthless, politically correct overpriced education.

And really, work is often the thing you know least about your parents. I remember my dad taking me to work, and it was thrilling. I drove the getaway car.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP

But that's where I learned about the magical money in the wallet. And it was great to see another place where your parents were somebody else – and not in a bathrobe. They had a role outside your world. It's where you learn your parents aren't just parents, but human beings who are hated by other human beings!

So enjoy this day.

Adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s monologue on “The Five” on April 25, 2019,

CLICK HERE FOR MORE FROM GREG GUTFELD