Stephen Colbert

“I think it’s Wednesday,” said Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s Late Show from his home in New Jersey. “It’s hard to tell, because every day feels like you’re being humped.”

And “while social distancing is working, we know the worst is yet to come,” Colbert said. “It’s like we saw the asteroid come in through the atmosphere and we know that it hit somewhere out in the ocean, and we’re just waiting for the wave to come over the horizon. Well, I think the tide is rising.” On Wednesday, the White House announced they project between 100,000 to 240,000 Americans will die of Covid-19. “And with these devastating projections, it seems like President Trump now understands the gravity of the situation we’re all in.” As in, he called the coronavirus “interesting” at his press conference and mused that people “can’t get enough of it”.

“Yes, this pandemic which is crippling the global economy certainly is … interesting,” said Colbert. “It reminds me of Winston Churchill: ‘We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the landing grounds. Why? Because it’s interesting!’”

One leader who is responding well to the crisis? New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo, who has “projected an air of much-needed competence during the epidemic,” said Colbert, “and the people. Are. There. For. It.” The hashtag #presidentcuomo has been trending on Twitter, and a Jezebel op-ed asked “Help, I Think I’m In Love With Andrew Cuomo???”

“It’s OK, these feelings are perfectly natural,” joked Colbert. “Many Americans experience moments of being at least Andrew-curious, if not fully Cuomo-sexual.” Colbert noted, however, that the obsession with Cuomo was heading to a “really weird place” – specifically, online chatter about whether or not a photo of the governor indicated pierced nipples.

Colbert assessed the evidence and concluded: “Who cares what’s really underneath that polo shirt? The governor’s doing a good job!”

Trevor Noah

You know coronavirus is scary if Donald “Stared Directly At An Eclipse” Trump is finally scared of it. pic.twitter.com/spKIC7TQmW — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) April 2, 2020

On the Daily Social Distancing Show, Trevor Noah discussed how Trump, “who usually treats his daily briefings like the last scene in Scarface, came out yesterday and acted for the first time ever like he had also been reading the news”. At Wednesday’s press briefing, he struck what many news outlets called a “darker” tone.

“God damn, Donald Trump for the first time at least sounds like he’s afraid of this virus,” said Noah. “And if he’s taking it seriously, then we should be really scared. Because I mean, this guy takes nothing seriously. This is the same dude who stared at an eclipse like it was a magic eye painting. The same dude who sang Hakuna Matata when he assassinated an Iranian general. The same dude who responded to a hurricane with a paper towel three-point contest. So this is a side of Donald Trump we don’t often get. I haven’t seen Trump this somber since Maury told him that he was Eric’s father.

“And if the president is finally treating the crisis with a little more respect, maybe it’s because of the numbers,” said Noah, referencing the chilling death range of 100,000-240,000 Americans released by the White House on Wednesday. “And I don’t care what anybody says, that is a staggering number,” said Noah. “Even in Call of Duty, if you saw that many deaths, you’d be like, ‘I think I’ve been playing this game too much, I think I’m going to switch to Animal Crossing for a while.”

Samantha Bee

On Full Frontal, Samantha Bee focused on the pandemic’s impact on American women. Many of the nation’s most vulnerable frontline workers are women, Bee explained, especially nurses, and women are more likely to be low-wage or temporary workers who are the first to face layoffs when businesses shut down. Domestic workers, many of them undocumented immigrants who can’t file for unemployment or stimulus relief, are mostly women and many are now out of work. “America: come for the low-paying jobs with no security, stay for the quarantines,” Bee deadpanned.

Meanwhile, several states such as Tennessee, Mississippi, Iowa, Oklahoma, Alabama and Ohio have declared abortions “non-essential services” and ordered clinics to shut down. “Some of these restrictions are being challenged, but that can’t happen quickly enough,” said Bee.

“Now, if you’re, say, a dude, and you can’t quite empathize, let me put this in terms you might understand,” Bee explained. “Imagine driving hours to see your favorite band – which, if you’re a middle-aged white guy, I assume is Pearl Jam. It’s the only chance you’ll ever have to see Pearl Jam play live and if you don’t get to see Pearl Jam play live now, your life will never be the same. But then when you finally get to the concert, Pearl Jam refuses to go on. You’re devastated. And then Eddie Vedder forces you to have a baby.

“The idea that any abortion isn’t essential is medically irresponsible,” Bee continued. “Not having access to safe and legal abortion is scary, dangerous and can even be lethal. And for victims of domestic abuse, so is just staying at home.” Isolation is essential for stopping the spread of Covid-19, said Bee, but for the 10 million Americans suffering from domestic abuse, it’s a “worst-case scenario”, though support groups are going virtual, and there are hotlines available for help.

Basically, “Covid-19 hasn’t made new problems for women, it’s just exacerbated the old ones,” said Bee. “We need to do a lot more for women during this crisis – starting with getting us all an emotional support Wilson,” she said, referencing Tom Hanks’s companion from Cast Away.