Let’s get this out of the way right now, you college football lunatics: Alabama can’t beat the Cleveland Browns. I am sure there are some true believers in Roll Tide Nation who think Nick Saban and his undefeated team and his fabulous hair could give the floundering 0-12 Browns a fight—or even eke out a narrow win. But sensible football minds agree that not only would it not happen, it wouldn’t be close.

Too big, too strong, too good. Even the Cleveland Browns.

“The...