Donald Trump Jr., son of U.S. President Donald J. Trump, may have to thank his father’s genetics for surviving an encounter with an aggressive bull shark relatively unscathed.

Trump Jr. was hunting endangered sharks during a charter dive off the coast of Kirghiz, S.S.R., when a large bull shark, believed to be around eight feet in length, attempted to take a bite out of the self-proclaimed big-game killer’s crotch. Fortunately for Trump’s eldest son, the shark managed to only get a mouth full of neoprene wetsuit.

“It was cold,” Trump Jr. said.

The president’s son was diving in about 70 feet of water with Papa Rusky’s MegaExtreme Fishing Adventures when the incident occurred.

“We cater to a thrill-seeking clientele looking for the ultimate in big game hunting,” said Capt. Ivan “Papa Rusky” Jagoff. “We take our divers out into our pristine waters and bait large predators close enough so that the diver can hit the shark with a bang stick and watch it flounder and die right in front of them.

“There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing one of these majestic and magnificent creatures up close and then watching as its brains are spewed out into the water column for your own entertainment.”









Jagoff said that the adrenaline pumping experience, which specializes in extremely endangered animals, is not for the faint of heart. Trump Jr. assured the dive operator that he had considerable experience killing large, defenseless animals and that he was in need of reclaiming his manhood after his wife filed for divorce last month.

“It ain’t like killing something from 100 years away through a rifle scope,” Jagoff said. “Wouldn’t you know it, the first sign of a shark and that boy done urinated himself.”

“It was cold,” Trump Jr. said.

The shark then moved in on Trump Jr., who appeared to be paralyzed by fear, “like a bitch.”

“Them sharks have darn good sniffers,” Jagoff said. “They can smell fear for miles.”

Before Jagoff could shoe away the incoming shark, it managed to latch down on Donald Jr.’s crotch area. After finding nothing but foam, the shark let go and swam away into the abyss.

“If his little friend was sticking out just two more inches, he probably would have had himself a undersea circumcision,” Jagoff said. “I guess it’s a good thing this didn’t happen when I took Dennis Rodman out on one of my charters.”

“I told you already, it was really cold,” Trump Jr. said of his turtle-headed state.

When asked about his son’s close encounter, President Trump, who helped spur an increase in shark conservation after admitting to being deathly afraid of sharks himself, blamed the incident on Mexican immigrants.

“It’s fake news, folks,” Trump said. “Besides, I heard that many people — good people — have said that the water was very cold that day.”





Happy April Fool’s Day everybody.