when you need validation, I will provide - based on the artistry of your photos, and, your sexxiiness send your selfies to critiquemyselfiepic@gmail.com

Thank you madmadymae ! The first day the monthlies can be messy, how brave of you to share this selfie, I thank you. Well Mae, the lighting is great. This is a good quality smart phone pic. We’re moving forward in technology; all those billboards spouting “taken with an iPhone” are heralding todays affluence in picture quality. All the better for better selfies! I like your cats eyes. Lipstick matching the scarf. You know I could imagine seeing you in public walking around and wouldn’t think you were an extra in an after school low budget video shoot, I would think you’re making zombie-survival look at THING! And how cool. And why not. Twilight was a thing. Still is for some people.

I don’t understand. It has to be a transferred teenage hickey lust. How cute. I hope your short film went well! I like your healthy young face. Ciao

Thank you femisanthrope Well congrats - I like the coordination of your beautifully blonded platinum hair and white shirt. I like matchy matchy. And the light is a soft glow, like early morning. You are so fricken cute, and looking a bit cheeky Twilight fannish with your blood red nails, blood tinged eye shadow, and a generally subtly cheeky bedroom look. Did you just wake up from Twilight themed sex with your SO and take this pic. Basking in the afterglow of sex euphoria and the oxytocin satisfaction of waking up next to your lover? Love the shyly confident and cheeky smile. For a post-coital sneak snap, its a great selfie. Add a filter, and it’ll be insta-envy.

Thank you oliviap1998 I’m not sure what you want to get out of this. This is not a face or beauty competition, this is a selfie art of photography competition. And there is no art in this selfie. You look like a cute non-cis-female girl. Is it wrong to say that? Sorry. I couldn’t help projecting my expectations of what a puberty stricken teenage girl would dress as if she identified as cis-female, but because you don’t fit my narrow prism of what a cis-female is, I’ve slot you into a non-binary non-cis female gender, did I get the terminology right there? Anyway, who gives a fuck about your gender. But really, do you want to be a boy? Your hair is nice.

Thank you for your submission! the-nerdy-fangirl She says “this is me and one of my best friends, @rachalsey ” - NAW Well… eye make up on fleek. Rachals purple lipstick on fleek AND on trend. Great cheek sucking in muscles… you know what they say about chicks with cheek sucking in muscles….

… effective fish lip action.

This is a cute snap but I don’t know what else you expected me to say. Enjoy your friendship!

Well aren’t you a beautiful wood nymph fakeliving! The snapchat filters are quite flattering and can make many a person brave enough to take, let alone share, a selfie. Besides the virtually added decorations, I like your make up and nose ring. You seem like a woman who cares about her appearance and is okay to own her image. You even have a tatt on your wrist! What does it say?



Your pensive pose with pursed lips withhold much information. You are a mysterious, enchanted wood nymph. Or maybe it’s those glittering butterflies floating above your head, I’m easily influenced. Lighting, vertical tilt and clarity of image have room for improvement. B-

Hell-llo! circumcisedgod You must not have intended to send me this picture, as you sent me a second, cropped and instagram filtered picture too. I was saddened by the cropped image in how you omitted your house number. I like the house number being there. It is an intimate detail, as I assume its about where you live, yet it’s not revealing at all, as its not connected to a street, a suburb, a “zip code” as you yankees call it, or a country; it is meaningless. It is disconnected, which heightens our sense of disconnect. You sent me this personal picture of yourself, in front of your house (I’m assuming), looking in a particular way that I am not familiar with, and listening to music I will never hear. Why did you send me this pic? What did you think I would think about it? Let me be honest on some points. I like the curl in your moustache, your glasses are on trend (on #fleek), and frankly I assume you are American. Big clue is your username “circumcised god” - only Americans would do such an outdated, sadistic tradition (to men only- this time!) to people who aren’t even jewish. Actually, you may be jewish. How weird is it that being jewish is a “race” AND a religion. Crazy! Seems like a pretty exclusive group. I don’t like writing jewish with a capital J. It also looks very close to jew fish. The word… “jew”… it’s not very palatable. The harsh, abrupt “JGE” sound, followed by “ewww”. So dude, you are a privileged, semi jew, who reveals very intimate information about himself without revealing anything at all, and poses in an aloof pose, made more aloof with the music earbuds and irony that you are taking a selfie. You are fuckable though. I imagine you work in design, or advertising, or IT. Or a student trying to. You live with your parents. What a pity. A+

Looks like KK got it from her mama!

The Kardashians are unfortunately notorious for their selfie habits, with this shot captured the in wild by an observer of a selfie being taken, and not the selfie product itself. These observer pictures are always valuable, because it highlights the contextual reality behind a selfie picture - you look like a douche taking it. Well, no matter my criticism of Kris, she will most likely never read this, and will ultimately have the last laugh cos #bitchgettingpaid #nooneislaughingatmyselfie #krisjenner #momho



rammarcio: im callin you out on via smolder Hi there rammarcio Thank you for submitting your selfie. I don’t know who you are calling out to, or who you intend to call out, but judging by your age I guess its girls that still go to highschool. Your beiber scowl face is on point, and that demographic of females will eat it up. At least thats what you hope, right? Is it working? The room you’re in looks like a wintery log cabin, giving me mad Canadian vibes. I like that.

The angle of the pic, your positioning, its all very distracting with the scattered pics on your bed head. Are you going to sleep or just getting up? Were you hanging on your bed all day? I’m not very hopeful about your story. Ultimately, you have looks, but your artistic selfie skills are in need of work. C+

“A cool selfie can cost you your life,” from the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs



Thank you, viewer, for sending your selfie. Your selfie comes with a nice warm face light - is this from the room or did you add an additional glowing warmth light.. because I feel glowing warmth from your selfie.

Sorry to say this, but your friend seems cooler than you… and I don’t mean in a popularity at highschool type way, but a serene, chill way. She’s looking at the camera as if there is something on the other side of it… a mirror perhaps. She’s serene enough to keep her mouth shut too… no need for pleading, approval grabbing smile.

You seem chill too. You have great eyebrows, a fun, ready-for-anything bun, and some red lippy. Your flannel says chill too. Are you interested in women by any chance? Maybe your friend…? You would make an adorable couple, I love it.

Whatever you girls are up to, sounds like you’re having a chill time. Embarking on another day of highschool? Enjoy the month long holidays while they last – THESE ARE TEH BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE! You don’t want to come to the adult side of things… you may end up writing selfie reviews on tumblr.