Southern Baptist Softball League Implements ‘Once Safe, Always Safe’ Rule For Baserunners

LOUISVILLE, KY—Church softball is an honored tradition that goes all the way back to the time of the patriarchs. In Louisville, the holy pastime is so beloved that Southern Baptists have their own intradenominational league in which all SBC churches in the area compete against each other.

The league's unity was threatened, however, when teams couldn't agree on the rules for baserunning: can baserunners lose their safe status, should they go astray and leave a base? Or once they are declared safe, forever justified by an infallible umpire, are they always safe from that moment forward?

Supporters of both sides argued their cases in an open forum at Southern Seminary ahead of league playoffs earlier this week.

"It's clear from the Scriptures that the doctrine of the perseverance of the baserunners best represents a biblical worldview," said Al Mohler, pausing to oil his robotic elbow. "Those who support the idea that a safe baserunner can lose his safe-ation are undoubtedly influenced by critical theory and Marxism."

Andy Stanley argued that only what Jesus had to say about the matter, well, mattered, while Rob Bell showed up to speak but it quickly became clear he was lost. Mark Driscoll tried to sneak into the forum while dressed as a pizza man but was caught by J.D. Greear and thrown outside the convention, "where there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

After a narrow vote,"Once Safe, Always Safe" was declared the official ruling of the SBC league. Baserunners who safely arrive can now never be thrown out, which is expected to drive game scores up into the high triple-digits.

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