I Am a Police Officer Whose Use of Lethal Force is Perfectly Consistent

Many people in this country are angry about what they perceive as police discrimination, but don’t blame me, because I am one police officer who applies lethal force totally indiscriminately. You don’t have to worry about me racially profiling or using excessive force against people of color, because I am immune to prejudice, and if I have reason for suspicion, I’ll shoot pretty much anything that moves.

I don’t care if you are black, white, yellow, or green. Regardless of what color you are, if I think you’re up to no good, I will apply exactly the same amount of force in shooting you dead. I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. Ask my doctor. He took an X-ray and it came back negative. When it comes to doling out excessive, brutal force disproportionate to the crime, I am an equal opportunity enforcer. For every unarmed black man I shoot, I shoot an equal number of unarmed white men. For every black male teenager I frisk, I strip search two Asian grandmas. In fact, to be fair, each time I use excessive force against an African-American person, I also beat up a person of every other race to even it out.

It’s true, I mistakenly shot a twelve-year-old black boy who was playing with a toy gun. But I administer justice so equally that the next day, I shot a twelve-year-old white girl who I thought was dealing drugs but was actually selling lemonade. Even so, my use of force was justified because her lemonade stand violated local zoning laws, and when I realized I was dealing with a criminal, I opened fire for fear of my life. Race never plays a role. No matter what color you are, if you flee arrest by running to your parents, I will look straight past your baby blue eyes and bobbing blonde pigtails and take you out with the ruthless accuracy of a highly trained sniper.

Because the world is filled with colorless, raceless criminals, we police have to do lots of shooting, so it’s a good thing that we’re all armed like members of SEAL Team 6. Even Roberta, the volunteer parking meter maid, gets to carry a shoulder-mounted bazooka. Some officers prefer to patrol light, but personally, I think that wearing army fatigues and openly brandishing military-grade assault rifles on my beat makes people in my community feel much safer.

In addition to using my guns, I also have other methods of applying perfectly consistent force against people of all different races. Once, I had to choke a black man to death. I was sorry I had to do it, but that’s the consequence anyone from any race faces for illegally selling cigarettes in post-racial America. The next day, to prove that I don’t discriminate based on color, I used a rear naked chokehold on an unsuspecting white jaywalker. As the life slowly left her body, she gasped repeatedly that she could not breathe, but because I assume that all perpetrators of all races are nasty liars, I tightened my hold until she stopped moving. Then, I stood around and did nothing to resuscitate her while waiting for the paramedics to arrive, just like I did for the black man.

As you can see, police officers like myself are not guilty of discrimination. We love people of color so much that we’re always stopping them on the street just to talk. You don’t see us doing that with white folks, do you? Accusations of racial discrimination make us sad. If our use of force against people of color was ever unjustified, certainly we would face some kind of legal consequences from prosecutors and grand juries who are just as racially unbiased as we are. Think of law enforcement officers as a kind of superhuman elite, free of the imperfections and flaws of common people, and able to think and act with perfect rationality and impeccable fairness, even within the entrenched framework of centuries of systemic inequality. The next time you see a police officer, don’t be afraid. Say hello, ask how our day is going, and keep your hands in plain sight at all times. Remember, we are your friends.