With The Bachelorette postponed, Summer Games effectively canceled, and Bachelor in Paradise’s future uncertain at best, it’s a dark time for Bachelor Nation. But now Colton Underwood, last year’s Bachelor lead, came through with the release of his new book and we’re more annoyed than ever.

First, as if we didn’t get enough of the exploitation of his virginity, Colton really digs in with the book’s title: The First Time. Subtle.

As for the content of the book, Bach fans were hopeful for some behind-the-scenes info on what really goes down before editing takes over. What we got instead was mostly Colton shading either production or former contestants AKA America’s quarantine sweetheart, Hannah Brown.

He starts by rehashing the unimportant Caelynn Miller-Keyes and Hannah Brown feud which Colton claims started because someone made a “tasteless” joke about a serious matter related to one of their family members. But he doesn’t actually have much more information than that, just rumors he wants to spread. It’s basically petty shade over a trivial blip in the season.

But it was another part of the book that Colton decides to really go in on Hannah B. Colton highlights how she allegedly crashed his hometown date with Hannah G. after being eliminated the week prior. (Which sounds exactly like the type of content Bachelor producers dream of but Colton is telling us it somehow didn’t make the cut? Interesting.) He wrote,

“She was still stewing about not getting a rose and wanted more clarity from me. In reality, it seemed she wanted to lash out and vent. She went off on the remaining four girls and told me they didn’t have the qualities that made her so amazing. It was the beast in her, roaring and raging.”

I’m sorry but it’s only OK if Hannah refers to herself as a beast, thank you very much.

Also, Hannah was pretty much friendly with all the other girls (and has remained good friends with many of them like Demi Burnett and Heather Martin) so we find it hard to believe that she would try and put them down and claim she was so much more “amazing” than them. It just doesn’t sound like Hannah.

So why is a 28-year-old man who claims to be in a happy, committed relationship taking the time to drag the fourth runner-up of his season multiple times? It reads petty and desperate for relevancy, which is reinforced by the real-world events happening right now. Either that or it’s a great marketing ploy to try and attract the 2.8M Instagram followers Hannah Brown has compared to Colton’s paltry 2M.

Regardless, consider Colton Underwood’s book added to the must-not-read list for your quarantine.

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