1. Lol.

You’re not laughing out loud. You’re not even that amused. Actually, your facial expression probably didn’t even change. This is just filler to communicate to the person that you don’t completely hate them and appreciate their effort on the joke.

2. Lolz.

Another time in which you’re not actually laughing out loud but rather kind of jerking your head to the side and sticking your tongue out in a deprecating fashion. Basically, it means you know you’re funny and ridiculous and you’re going to prove that point by making the 7th grade “LOL it phrase” cool again.

3. LMAO.

You’re actually shitting yourself laughing. It’s this or no expression at all. There’s no in-between.

4. Xox.

You only use this if you are 40+ or talking to a parent or grandparent. If used in normal conversation, it’s most likely in a sarcastic fashion.

5. …

You are not having it. You also cannot understand what could be more important than answering your pressing text. Alternatively, it can mean “… are they serious?” without needing words at all.

6. A question with a period after it, not a question mark.

You’re not asking a question. You’re proposing something for them to ponder their complete stupidity and just how absolutely infuriated you are.

7. On my way.

You’re not on your way.

8. CAPITAL LETTERS.

This used to mean screaming. No longer. It means saying things with intensity because you REALLY MEAN THEM/idk it’s kind of like, the way we joke now?

9. “Call me” from mom or dad.

This is the actual worst because you don’t know if they’re being text illiterate again and just want to talk to you or there’s actually an emergency.

10. Oh, I left you a voicemail.

Die.

11. Wassup.

You’re not getting laid.

12. You free tonight bb?

Internal narrative: I’m in love with you. Please be my friend. I’ll also accept marriage.

13. Omg.

Again, filler text. You’re not gasping for air in disbelief. Pretty banal.

14. Oh my actual fucking god.

You’re gasping. You’re fucking outraged.

15. Okay, I have to get going, goodnight.

I actually never want to speak to you ever a-fucking-gain. This isn’t like a phone conversation where you have to cut someone off to go about your other plans. No. This is 2013 and every 20-something is at that bar table staring down at their phone because if someone wants to talk to you they god damn will. You might just as well say you’re dead to me leave me alone because you’ve done that much damage already.

16. The infamous “k.”

I actually think “k” is going through a text message renaissance. What used to be the single most offensive thing to type is becoming a casual, I don’t give a fuck if this is not acceptable because I’m a hipster and I do what I want way to say “yeah, okay” quickly.

17. Love you.

You don’t actually love them. You’re expressing pretty remedial appreciation. Don’t take it seriously.

18. I literally ______.

You didn’t LITERALLY do SHIT but it’s the best way to emphasize a point b/c #millennials.

19. #Hashtags.

You either don’t understand how they work or are using them as a joke only someone close to you would find funny. For example, the fact that I just wrote a whole article about this shit is #dark.