Steps I Take to Counteract Gentrification While Living In a Luxury Building in Brooklyn

Bring people’s attention to important issues by posting #BlackLivesMatter stickers all over my building’s sauna.

Speak Spanish to Roberto at in lobby coffeeshop while he makes my $7 dark roast with almond milk.

Convince the tenants association to organize mandatory viewings of #woke documentaries in the building’s TV room.

Use my light skin tone to fool the landlords into thinking I’m white and thus approving my application, but when the census comes, only tick the Hispanic box.

Leave great Yelp reviews for the local delis and bodegas while I enjoy a tasty Chick’n and Waffles from the new vegan diner I secretly love (#HailSeitan)

Disable my smoke detectors so my building’s super can come hang out while I work on my new screenplay. I always tip him generously with Amazon gift cards.

Pretend to sing along and casually dance to the loud reggaeton music blasting on the Knickerbocker Avenue sidewalks while I shop for an antique cast iron tea kettle.

Host free community yoga classes on my building’s rooftop. Our sun salutations point directly to the perfect view of the Manhattan skyline.

Preserve the authenticity of the neighborhood and only buy weed from the local dealers and not use delivery services.

Take all my gringo friends to the local Venezuelan restaurant so they know I’m not one of them while they pay $10 for one empanada, and then explain how much an actual empanada costs so they feel great for supporting a local business but also feel like fools.

Explain what political correctness is and what the effect of a think piece on Vox has on the concept of non-binary gender identification to the guys playing dominos in front of the building next to my luxury building.

When Stacy from the artisanal donut shop asks if I live around the area, I clarify I’m on the border with Bed-Stuy and not in the trendy area of Bushwick so she knows I’m not part of the problem.

Complain about the doorman service to my management company but also be super nice to the doormen because my luxury building is giving jobs to the local community but also make sure to leave a bad review on the management company’s website so people avoid renting an apartment in my luxury building, which in turn might make my luxury building’s rent prices go down and thus making it more accessible to the local community to get a place there at an affordable rate and then getting the snobby tenants to complain about the new tenants using the common washer/dryer for their entire family and how they have very loud music, eventually getting so annoyed they will not renew their lease and force them to seek out a fancier luxury building in which to live, resulting in even lower rents in my luxury building, rendering my luxury building a luxury building for the people.

Name my purebred Golden Doodle “Rosa Parks.”