According to a report from KTRE 9, the ABC affiliate in Lufkin, police apprehended William "Billy" Michael Martin, 45, and charged him with three counts of burglary after he went into the East Texas Medical Center, stole master keys and stole photos from various offices as masturbatory aids. Oh, but the story gets so much more odd and interesting than just some weirdo jacking it in some hospital offices.

The police report that he also stole women's underwear from various laundromats in the area when the women weren't paying attention. At his home, police found stolen photos and porn next to stacks of ladies' undergarments.

Back at the hospital, he reportedly masturbated in the office of the director of nurses, where he stole two photos and left "a trail of semen" telling officers he had a thing for blonds though he denied masturbating in her office. No word on if he only kinda liked brunettes and redheads. He even walked into women's bathrooms and scared women in them. He did admit to jerking off in bathrooms at the hospital, so there's that.

But the best part had to come (pardon the pun) at his home, where in addition to the porn, underwear he apparently liked to touch and sniff when he was "alone" (um, EW!), and stolen photos, cops found several beach balls. Why in the name of all that's holy would this guy have beach balls in his house?

Wait for it.

According to the report, he "would put on a dress and put one of the beach balls under it and pretend he was pregnant." No word on if this was to enhance his already rather voracious perverted appetites, but it seems clear this was more than a costume party and Halloween was a full two months ago, so draw your own conclusions.