Sherlock Holmes

Original script by Greg Kramer. Directed by Andrew Shaver. Until Nov. 8 at the Ed Mirvish Theatre, 244 Victoria St. mirvish.com or 416-872-1212

There are several mysteries about Sherlock Holmes, which officially opened Tuesday night in a Starvox production at the Ed Mirvish Theatre after a preview period as long as its run is going to be.

The first mystery is why this show was a hit in Montreal in 2013. It might have been due to the fact that it played a smaller theatre, that popular star and hometown boy Jay Baruchel was Sherlock, or that local theatre icon Greg Kramer, who wrote the script, died just before rehearsals started.

It’s possible to picture James Lavoie’s set, Itai Erdal’s lighting and the video designs of George Allister and Patrick Andrew Boivin being impressive in the cozier confines of Montreal’s Segal Centre. On the cavernous stage of the Ed Mirvish Theatre (where only shows like The Phantom of the Opera and Wicked really ever fit) it kind of looks like the show is camping out while they wait for the rest of the production to arrive.

And, with all due respect, Kramer’s script is a strange mixture of smarty-pants humour and straight-ahead Holmesian plotting that never really clicks. It also keeps falling into an annoying hipster tone that keeps you from becoming engaged with the proceedings.

But the bigger mystery is why anyone hired David Arquette and James Maslow to play Holmes and Watson. Maslow is simply wrong for the role: too young, too American, too contemporary in feel.

Arquette, however, is the kind of spectacular act of miscasting that makes jaws drop and heads shake with disbelief.

Arquette’s idea of how to be British is like your middle-aged uncle flouncing around in low-camp fashion after a few too many Cosmopolitans. It’s just plain silly, which is not the word anyone would ever use to describe Sherlock Holmes.

And then there’s his accent. Despite leading lady Renee Olstead’s resemblance to Vanna White, Arquette never once tried to buy a vowel from her, despite the fact he was in desperate need of one to break up the non-stop torrent of mushy consonants that poured from his mouth.

Kyle Gatehouse is spectacularly arch as Professor Moriarty, but at least he’s entertaining, audible and bears a resemblance to the original character.

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In smaller roles, Graham Cuthbertson, Matthew Gagnon and Barbara Gordon all seem to know what they’re doing, which is a nice change of pace, compared to most of the rest of the cast.

Andrew Shaver is often a talented director, but here he seems to have too many styles going at once when he really ought to have chosen one. Sometimes the comedy is tongue-in-cheek, sometimes it’s foot-in-mouth and the twain never meet.

It’s a long show and not a very entertaining one. Elementary? Hardly. This Sherlock Holmes never gets beyond junior kindergarten.