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When I was little, my dad diluted his sugary OJ with water, and we dubbed it “juicy water.” It was gross. Now some guys on Kickstarter want you to pay them fiddy grand to make juicy water, only way fancier. Also I’m pretty sure they’re only interested in you if you own multiple pairs of expensive yoga pants, get excited about “doing a cleanse,” and smile at the sight of Gwyneth’s new cookbook (instead of the proper reaction, an involuntary scowl).

Koa Organic Water has real fruit juice in it, but it tastes just like water, so basically you’re paying $4 for the IDEA of fruit in your water rather than the flavor. Jeez, at least juicy water had the decency to taste kind of like juice.

But wait — it gets worse. WAY worse.

According to The Dieline, this bastard beverage is “sculpted to fit perfectly in the average female hand, and it weighs just the right amount to disappear into a woman’s purse.” It’ll go great with the Bic: For Her pen clutched in your tiny, feeble paw! And good to know all women have the same size of purse. What exactly IS purse-size, pray tell? Because mine range from “I’m a wee bebe purse for that one night a year you THINK you’ll go clubbing, but just end up passing out on the couch” to “I’M A GAPING HELLMOUTH THAT REGULARLY SWALLOWS ENTIRE CATS.”

Koa. Coming soon to a Whole Foods near you.