My father is in his 50s and has a senior position in a global company, but he has just been told that he’s being made redundant. He worked his way up from nothing. His own family didn’t have much money, and his own father used to talk him down, which he’s admitted diminished his confidence. He has the strongest work ethic of anyone I know and is remunerated well; he and my mother have a good standard of living. He would do anything for his family – practically and emotionally, he’s been a great support.

At times when Dad and I have been alone, he has talked about the huge responsibility he feels in paying the mortgage and making sure he and my mum have enough money for retirement. He wishes he could retire early, but says it can’t happen any time soon. My mother looks after their finances and has told me they are fine financially, and that if he wanted to, they could take early retirement and be comfortable.

Dad also talks about his worry for me and my brothers. One brother still lives at home – he has depression and relies on my parents financially. I get the feeling that my father could work for the rest his life, but no amount of money would ever be enough to put his worries to rest.

I think work brings Dad most of his fulfilment. Now that his job has been pulled from under his feet, I’m worried about his mental health. I want him to see the positives: he’s worked hard all his life and now has a great opportunity to relax and enjoy hobbies and travel.

Your father and your whole family sound wonderful, and you extraordinary. Your original letter was astonishing, so full of insight. I consulted psychotherapist Andrew Balfour of tavistockrelationships.org, who is also a member of bpc.org.uk, who gave me some valuable insights. He says: “We get to a point in life where we cross the shadow line, the brow of the hill [which can be daunting]. Particularly for people who have made a certain kind of use for work.”

Put simply: if someone has had a difficult start in life (which it sounds as if your father did), they may distance themselves from this by throwing themselves into work or family, or both. But that means they haven’t worked through these earlier anxieties, which remain in the background, largely ignored. When the “distraction” of work starts to fall away, those prior difficulties remain and the person is left dealing not only with the lack of employment, say, or empty nest, but also the old problems, which resurface. This can be destabilising. Then there’s your brother, who is still at home, for whom your father must feel especially responsible. You gave no further details about him, but I think he – inadvertently – plays a significant role in anchoring your father into his role as “supporter”.

Is your father seeking help? He needs someone to talk to apart from you, because he sounds depressed. You know him best and what approach to take. It’s hard to urge a parent to get help – but he does need it. Could you enlist the help of your mother and older brother to convince him to get some formal support? I realise your father may not agree to it straight away; but Balfour wonders if his company might provide counselling for redundancy (some do), which might be more acceptable to him. Perhaps you could frame the situation in a way he understands – for example, “Dad, how would you suggest someone copes with something like this at work?”

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It might be beneficial to suggest that if he doesn’t look after himself, then he can’t help the rest of you – given it seems so important to him that he can do this (equally, don’t make him feel overwhelmed). I realise resources are patchy, but his GP is a good start for access to counselling.

Does your father have friends who have been through similar experiences and who could help him to see there’s something on the other side? What else does he enjoy that might help him with his confidence?

Don’t lose heart. Your father has an amazing character and great support. This is a huge developmental stage in his life: anyone would find it difficult. But, bit by bit, and with help, he can not only adapt to his new landscape, but –hopefully – enjoy it, too.

• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

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