Terrorists told that the only way to make Londoners shit themselves is to open a dodgy kebab shop

A dodgy 3 am kebab is the only known way of making a Londoner shit themselves, terrorists have been told today.

Whilst going around blowing things up and driving into things is all very well, if they want to make a Londoner’s bowels really loosen, a late-night snack made from that lamb which has been rotating on a skewer for most of the last month is more likely to do the trick.

Kebab shop owner Shimonu Al-Williams told us that he has been executing a carefully planned reign of terror against Londoners for over a decade, largely by having a two-star food hygiene certificate and staying open until the clubs have finished chucking out.

He told us, “I see what the terrorists are trying to do, but if you genuinely want to cause a Londoner to sweat in terror as their innards coil and seethe, then you should try feeding them one of my Lamb Supremes before putting them on the Northern Line home.

“It’s faster, easier, and they pay me. But perhaps more to the point, my method actually results in Londoners shitting themselves, rather than shrugging at your pathetic ongoing attempts to bring London to a halt.

“And a bit like your methods, there’s no way of knowing when the explosion will occur. It could go at any second, or you could get all the way home. They’ll never know. All they can do is pray!” he said with a diabolical laugh.

“Would you like chili sauce on that?” he added.

“That’ll be seven pound fifty, mate. Have a good night.”