Theresa May today announced her resignation in a move that finally brought to an end one of the most torturous premierships in the history of British politics.



After numerous speeches in which everybody waited with bated breath for a resignation only to get the same boring stock phrases, the Maybot has announced that she will soon hand in the keys to Downing Street.



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So who will eventually replace her, once open warfare in the Conservative Party subsides and a winner is declared? We took a look at the runners and riders for the top job and, folks, it turns out the grass is not always greener.

Boris Johnson

The former Foreign Secretary has always wanted the top job, and now is his big chance. Unfortunately, as Scram News reported this week, roughly 100 MPs are hell-bent on stopping that from ever happening.

CV achievements: Thinking a prank caller was the Armenian Prime Minister, saying that a Libyan city could be the next Dubai if they “clear the dead bodies away”, saying “f**k business” when asked about their concerns about Brexit, referring to black people as “piccaninnies” with “watermelon smiles”, and comparing the EU to the Third Reich.

Dominic Raab

Dominic Raab, a scared child stuck in a man’s body, is a favourite among the party rank-and-file. One of roughly 500 Brexit Secretaries to have served under Theresa May, he’ll be confident of picking up exactly where he left off.

CV achievements: eating the same mediocre lunch every single day, being surprised by the importance of cross-Channel to the UK economy, resigning in protest at his own Brexit deal, and saying that foodbank users just have ‘cash flow problems’.

Sajid Javid

‘The Saj’, as he apparently calls himself, has been on overtures for months. According to Scram sources, he’s one of the most awkward people in Parliament. Just the sort of person we need to run the country.

CV achievements: reversing his Brexit allegiance immediately after Remain lost, tweeting about ‘Asian paedophiles’, rejecting a call from the Muslim Council of Britain to investigate Islamophobia in the Conservative Party, and accusing Jeremy Corbyn of being a Holocaust denier.

Michael Gove

Michael Gove has repeatedly denied ever wanting to become PM, while simultaneously doing everything possible to climb his way up the greasy ladder – even taking down his Vote Leave ally Boris Johnson during the last leadership contest.

CV achievements: Arguing for Brexit because Britain would “hold all the cards”, facing a vote of no confidence from teachers while he was Secretary of State for Education, saying that people have “had enough of experts”, taking out Johnson during 2016 leadership race (collapsing his own chances in the process), and falling on his backside in front of Downing Street.

Esther McVey

Former Work and Pensions Secretary Esther McVey managed somehow to make Ian Duncan Smith look like a great social reformer, after taking over the post in January 2018. She recently announced a pub tour of Britain, to ‘re-engage’ working class voters with Conservative politics. Her crowds might be quite sparse, however. Scram News discovered this week that the first pub on her crawl has a zero hygiene rating.

CV achievements: celebrating more people using foodbanks, saying that disabled people can ‘heal’, and claiming that poor people would rather buy iPads than food.

Jeremy Hunt

Jeremy Hunt only looks marginally acceptable as a Foreign Secretary by virtue of the fact that his predecessor was Boris Johnson. When you remember his record in relation to the NHS, a Hunt premiership becomes infinitely less attractive.

CV achievements: Overseeing the first all-out strike by medical staff in the history of the NHS, managing to break patient confidentiality rules while Health Secretary, failing to respond to the “worst ever” NHS winter crisis (his words, not ours), exposing meeting notes to the press, being unable to even ring a bell properly, and forgetting where his wife was born.

Andrea Leadsom

Margaret Thatcher tribute act Andrea Leadsom has experience running for the job, having harpooned her chances in the 2016 leadership race. Leadsom’s comments about motherhood let May slip into Downing Street unopposed, so she has to carry some responsibility for the last three years too.

CV achievements: Suggesting being a mother would make her a better PM than May, causing the pitiful ‘Leadsom for Leader’ march, suggesting men should not be hired to look after young children as they might be paedophiles, asking “is climate change real?” on her first day as a minister in the Department of Energy and Climate Change.