NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether lingering neurological effects of playing baseball are causing the erratic behavior. "When you hear about a player who exhibit signs of challenging 8-foot-tall men to boxing matches in Japan or bickering with his tiny porn-star girlfriend on Twitter, you assume it’s an isolated condition. Namely, isolated to Jose Canseco," said MLB official Carson Pettus, who has been tasked with investigating reports other former players may be bottling their own lines of antiaging energy drinks in unhealthy delusions of business acumen. "Major League Baseball is aware of the psychological grind of 162-game schedules and plans to take careful precautions with our players when they show early signs of Jose Canseco." Sources said the MLB was jolted into action last week when reality-show cameras were seen following around a very tan, mascara-wearing Cal Ripken, Jr. as he hustled 7-year-olds at Baltimore-area T-ball practices.

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