SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO COMMIT SEPPUKU...

So you've decided to commit seppuku. Now what? To help you with the task, here is a handy tutorial. Enjoy!

Step #1: Purchase a Sharp Sword!

A dull blade can lead to ragged cutting and the expenditure of much "elbow grease" during the ceremony. Therefore, it is important that the sword be razor-sharp.

Step #2: Find a Buddy!

One of the most important parts of seppuku is the kaishaku, or assistant. The kaishaku's task is to slice off your head after you have completed the ceremony, and should therefore be a close friend, family member, or crudely jilted ex-lover.

Step #3: Decide Where to Die!

You only die once, so the location of your seppuku ceremony should be as pleasant as possible. I suggest a sunny field, a well-tended garden, or the pleasantly air-conditioned lobby of an upscale office building.

Step #4: Go for It!

Kneel down in your chosen location and slowly insert the sword into your abdomen. The desired spot is about three inches left or right of your navel, depending on which hand you use. Once the sword is inserted, gently slice it across your stomach, then upward toward your chest. Remove sword when finished.

Step #5: Inspect Your Work!

If done properly, most of your internal organs should have spilled out across your lap. If no internal organs are visible, repeat act until the job has been done correctly. Once finished, your kaishaku should then lop off your head in one clean blow.

Good luck, and happy cutting!