Lego bricks are generally awesome, and by all accounts The Lego Movie, opening this weekend, is as well. So we thought we'd make sure the folks at Lego didn't get too full of themselves by reminding the world of the worst toys, figures and building sets they've unleashed upon the world. Warning: Construction ahead.


1) Mr. Bunny

NO. JUST NO. I have no idea what possessed a single Lego engineer to create this cast-off from the Island of Dr. Moreau, let alone what made the company release it on an unsuspecting world. Or why they thought the two white round bricks underneath the nose-piece would represent two buck teeth and not some kind of abnormal growth. All I know is that all of these decisions were made in hate and fury.


2) "Fire Truck"

I put this is in quotes, because as you can see, while Lego assures us that this 1997 set is of a fire truck, it clearly looks nothing like a fire truck. Oh, it's red, and it is a vehicle, but that's pretty much where the similarities stop.



3) "Fire Chief"

And what good is a completely bizarre fire truck without an equally bizarre fire chief? Admittedly, this fire chief is too good to ride on the truck with his peons, and has his own mini-vehicle, without doors or even sides, to travel on. He also has his own little hose for… little fires? When he's out fighting fires by himself? Because all the other Lego firemen think he's a dick?



4) Jack Stone Bank Breakout

Call me crazy, but I think I'm got a pretty good idea how the robber could break into this bank. Or out, I guess. Are those ATMs? Are they behind the bars or in front of them? Is this guy trying to break into to access an ATM, or is he trying to get the endless void on the other side? In either case, this thing sucks.


5) Fabuland Big Band

Back in 1979, Lego created Fabuland, a line full of anthropomorphic animals, as sort of an intermediary set between Duplos and Legos. They're kind of terrifying, like if Hunter S. Thompson had designed a toddler's Lego line while high on mescaline. But nothing is more chilling that The Fabuland Big Band set, featuring Peter Pig and Gabriel Gorilla. What kind of monsters would listen to a band consisting of nothing but a drummer and tuba player?


6) Star Wars Final Duel II

Yes, now you can recreate the thrilling action of Luke Skywalker's final duel with Darth Vader and the Emperor by… watching him walk down the hallway to his final duel with Darth Vader and the Emperor? As long as he walks no more than four steps, because that's all the hallway included.


7) Znap Jet-Car

In 1998, Lego introduced their K'nex-like building sets called Znap, because Zs make everything cooler. Indeed, the line wasn't overall bad — most of the kits looked all right, an they had crazy things like a Dino-Jet a giant ant along with the hover-subs and other vehicles. Which makes this piece of crap — which Lego tried to pass off as a "Jet-Car" — even more obnoxious.



8) Jack Stone Red Flash Station

Okay, Lego, now you're not even fucking trying.


9) NHL Slammer Stadium

Remember back in the early '00s, when Lego started trying to make sports games out of Legos? One of the earliest catastrophes was the NHL Slammer Stadium, in which sentient giant head statues from Easter Island played a rousing game of hockey. But what's worse is the rink itself — a flimsy cardboard rink, surrounded by an even flimsier wall. If only Lego has some kind of more durable building material to work with!


10) Fabuland Harry Horse and Clara Cow's Ice Cream Shoppe

Another Fabuland set, obviously, begging a very disturbing question: Where does Clara get the milk to make the ice cream?



11) Belville Interior Designer

Well before Lego Friends, Lego tried to reach girls with Belville set, a 1994 series which focused more on figures and playsets more than construction. The problem was the figures were godawful and the sets were a weird mix of fairy tale stuff and standard, mundane doll activities. But once Lego exhausted the traditional beauty salons and stables, they threw together this — sure, an interior designer is a pretty progressive progression for a doll to have in the '90s, but it kind of undercuts the message when her design equipment consists of a stand-alone sink, a bathtub (the hell?) and a brush. If you can think of a sadder image than a girl trying to brush her ugly, tiny doll's plastic hair helmet, please let me know.



12) Belville Prince Justin

I wasn't lying about the dolls.


13) Technic R2-D2

If Artoo had a skeleton, this is what it would look like. Lego couldn't be bothered to make a single piece that would prevent him from essentially being see-through. Feel free to insert a C-3PO/Phantom Menace "I'm naked!" joke here, if you're a bad person.



14) Jack Stone Fire Response SUV

Does no one at Lego know what a goddamn firetruck looks like? Or an SUV, for that matter?



15) Galidor Nick

In 2002, Lego had big plans for a new toyline call Galidor. They were so confident that they ordered a CG cartoon and had it on the air, about two teens named Nick and Allegra who are transported to an alien world threatened by evil aliens. It didn't do well at all, and I'm confident it wasn''t helped by this promotional figure of Nick, which looked like Chinese bootleg toy assembled by the blind and then stuck in a microwave for a while. Nick here makes Prince Justin look like Ryan Gosling.



16) Fabuland Peter Pig the Cook

Peter Pig has murdered the sentient Turkey man of Fabuland and eaten him, or at least plans to.