Physics Problems Written by a Professor Addicted to Tentacle Porn

1. Assume Steve stands on a 22-degree slope deep within a Japanese website, sliding from passing interest towards deeper curiosity. The coefficient of friction is 0.01; it’s a slippery slope. Steve weighs 80kg, and his growing, inexorable guilt adds another 5kg. Calculate his acceleration towards full-on addiction.

2. Three tentacles extend towards Fumiko. Assume they are cylinders with diameters of 0.4m and lengths of 3m. If they can contract their diameter to 0.25m, will the change in length allow them to reach Fumiko? What if she squirms 20cm further away? Poisson’s ratio = 0.32.

3. Mary throws a laptop at Steve’s head, while screaming about how the children could have found “his filth.” It leaves her hands at a 35-degree angle, traveling at 3 m/s. Calculate how long it takes to hit Steve, who stands 4.2m away, though the rift in their marriage is far, far larger.

4. Steve wakes to a car pulling from the driveway and runs outside. He starts out 20m behind the car and accelerates at 3.5m/s2 to a top speed of 5m/s, while Mary accelerates the car at 2.8m/s2 to a top speed of 20m/s. Will he get within 10m of the car (close enough to see his children one last time through the rear window)?

5. Steve is forced to borrow money from a loan shark in order to keep the house. When he can’t make his payments, the shark’s associates pay him a visit. If a baseball bat with a mass of 765g strikes Steve’s fingers and the contact area is 2cm2, calculate the swing speed needed to break the fingers. Assume the collision is perfectly elastic, and justify your values for the viscoelasticity of bone for a 54-year-old white male with a drinking problem and mild osteoporosis.