On Friday night, Ken from Popehat referred to me in a post about Michael Shermer’s incredibly ridiculous letter supporting Dinesh D’Souza. I found out about it from a tweet by some muscleheaded dumbass named Mike Cernovich and I quickly realized that I just have to introduce my readers to him. He’s hilariously stupid. Here’s the tweet that started it all:

Where could he possibly have gotten the idea that I think those who disagree with me should be in prison? Apparently he thinks that my reaction to Shermer’s letter on behalf of D’Souza means I want D’Souza sent to prison because I disagree with him. Clearly, logic is not Cernovich’s strong suit. And without that tool at his disposal, here’s the only thing he has left:

Hey @edbrayton, please pick the Bathroom Buddy color of your choice. On me. Again, my apologies. http://t.co/FSxcCQSGvd — Mike Cernovich (@PlayDangerously) September 13, 2014

Wow. I’m fat? That’s the best he has? Yep. My reply:

Wow, what a powerful argument. But you’re still a fucking moron. And no diet can fix that.

And his response, which was to repeat his previous bullshit:

@edbrayton Even so, I wouldn't want your imprisoned for your views. That's where we differ. You are filth. I have character. — Mike Cernovich (@PlayDangerously) September 13, 2014

The funny thing, of course, is that I’m practically a free speech absolutist. If the government were to try to punish D’Souza for expressing his views, I’d be the first one to defend his rights. But that isn’t what happened here. He committed a crime. He admits that he committed it and admits that he knew it was illegal when he did so. He deserves the penalty for that crime. Does he deserve a long prison term? No, I don’t think so. I think a brief stay in a county jail would be reasonable. And if he hadn’t lied to the court about how terribly sorry he is (while simultaneously trying to fundraise on the basis of how much he’s being persecuted), I’d probably be fine with probation and community service.

So who is Mike Cernovich? He’s an attorney who sells “fit juice” and declares himself to be an “alpha male.” He even has “alpha male posture building exercises” and appears to be rather obsessed with his testosterone level. Seriously, have you ever met anyone who claimed to be an “alpha male” who wasn’t a massive asshole? Oh, and he has another site showing people how to do “juice cleanses.”

Best of all, he’d like to teach you “how to pick up hot chicks.” And how to find “legit friends” (the answer, apparently: be a major douchebag). And he’s here to offer “biblical wisdom on friendship,” including such revelatory statements as, “I am the first guy to both do another man a solid and the first guy to kick fuck-ups out of the crew.” Powerful stuff.

He has a list of 31 things he’s sure you want to know more about him and there are some real gems like this:

4. I got bullied relentlessly and then beat up everyone who had ever wronged me. I developed a strong sense of justice and desire to help the underdog. I hurt anyone who wrongs me and hold lifetime grudges.

Yeah, that’s called being an asshole.

6. I had to learn how to downplay my intelligence, as it made peers resentful of me. I can pretty much figure anything out in about 1/3 the time it takes other people.

*snort*

24. I have been a guest at Sheryl Sandberg’s house and ate dinner with Mark Zuckerberg. Sheryl Sandberg overtly flirted with me and Mark Zuckerberg and his flunkie (forget his name – Chris Cox?) were insecure around me. That’s when I learned that money can’t buy what I have.

Oh gosh, he’s just so manly, don’t you think?

30. I hate talking about myself.

All evidence to the contrary. “I don’t always talk about myself, but when I do I make sure it’s in the most overwrought, self-aggrandizing manner.” Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Cernovich: