Genetic modification officers at Chiquita, Dole, and Del Monte have engineered a less-phallic banana in response to nationwide boycotts by prominent feminists.

“As a runner, I wish I felt comfortable using bananas as an inexpensive, healthy source of potassium, but I am troubled by the hegemonic power structures that keep labor prices in Latin America low in order to drive cost down in the U.S.” said Mildred Peterson-Blythe, chair of the Women’s Studies department at Smith College, “More troublesome, though, is their phallic shape.”

“Women can now enjoy breakfast without inserting the patriarchy into their mouths,” said Gina O’Hare, Director of Public Relations and Product Development at Del Monte, “our new offerings collapse the difference between a sexual organ and a nutritious snack.”

While the banana-like franken-fruits currently on the market are more circular in shape, an unnamed representative at Dole hinted that the company is attempting to grow bananas in more complex feminist-friendly shapes, including fallopian tubes, Rosie the Riveter’s bicep, the Goddess, and the Venus of Willendorf.