How To Date If You Have Social Anxiety

Four Game-Changing Dating Tips for Men Who Struggle With Social Anxiety

Picture the scene: You’re old and wise, sitting down with your grandchildren. One of them pipes up and asks, “Grandpa, how did you meet Grandma?” You clear your throat. “Well, kids,” you say. “We were both invited to a party…”

For many people, that’s a perfectly plausible scenario. But if you suffer from social anxiety, the idea of meeting someone at a party is neither a realistic nor a pleasant one — for them, parties are terrifying situations filled with opportunities to feel constantly awkward, commit social faux pas or simply have trouble connecting with anyone. Mostly likely, they’d avoid going in the first place, and if somehow they did end up attending, they’d feel deeply certain they wouldn’t hit it off with anyone.

If that’s you, the prospect of dating is probably a pretty unpleasant one. Dating can be scary enough for relatively confident people; for socially anxious people, it brings with it a plethora of fears, anxieties and concerns that most people might not even realise exist, let alone experience.

Luckily, it’s far from impossible for people with social anxiety issues to date or wind up in healthy, long-lasting and nurturing relationships. Check out these tips for proof:

1. How Social Anxiety Can Impact Your Love Life

We might not think about the relationship between social anxiety and relationships immediately, since it often makes it especially hard to deal with strangers or people you know less well, as opposed to a romantic partner. However, romantic partners always begin as strangers — making the hurdle of meeting one and developing a relationship with them over time a daunting one for people with social anxiety.

Then, once you’re in a relationship, it can easily cause friction if your partner is more social than you are. As Lindsey Pratt, LMHC, a therapist in NYC who specialises in relationship issues, says, “Social anxiety may be likely to impact relationships, since interpersonal dynamics can be triggering for social anxiety sufferers. This may manifest in a person becoming avoidant with their partner, canceling plans last minute, or preferring to spend time together at home rather than in group or social settings.”

Dr. Paulette Sherman, a psychologist and author of Dating From the Inside Out and the upcoming book Facebook Dating: From 1st Date to Soulmate, concurs, noting that, “It can be hard for partners to understand why their mate is not being social.”

“Sometimes they may personalise this,” she adds, “which can cause them to think that their partner with social anxiety doesn't want to be with them, which is not the case. They can even think that their partner prefers to be antisocial because they don't understand the nature of their partner's condition. They need to learn about it to understand that often symptoms of anxiety can emerge from a fear of judgment or they are just suddenly triggered and want to flee a situation.”

2. Tips For Online Dating When You Have Social Anxiety

Online dating is something of a godsend for social anxiety sufferers as it’s replaced in-person settings as the primary way to meet a potential partner. So if bars and get-togethers and speed-dating events aren’t your scene, you’re in luck.

That being said, being able to do all these nerve-wracking things from the comfort of one’s own home doesn’t necessarily make them easy.

Casey Lee, MA, LPC, NCC of Rooted Hearts Counseling notes that while it may be “a bit easier to date online,” you should still “be aware of misinterpreting what the other person is communicating because you may be missing the nonverbal cues if you are communicating in a way that you cannot physically see the other person and hear the way they deliver what they want to say.”

You might also consider letting matches or people you’re talking with know about your social anxiety in the early going. This isn’t for everyone, of course, but if the idea of doing it makes you feel like you’d be less worried, then it could be worth it.

RELATED: How To Date If You Suffer From Depression

“If you struggle with social anxiety and are utilising online dating platforms, it may relieve pressure to self-disclose about your anxiety before the first date. Since the relationship begins to build with online communication before the first meeting, this can clue your date in on why you may seem a bit reserved or uncomfortable on the first date,” says Pratt.

3. Tips For Going On Dates When You Have Social Anxiety

So you’re all set up to go on your date. Whether you matched on a dating app or site or met in real life, you probably don’t know much about each other. This can be nerve-wracking for even the most confident of people, so it can be especially tough to pull off if you have social anxiety. But don’t panic. Instead, try to pump yourself up for it with some positive self-talk.

As Dr. Sherman notes, “Be your own coach and remind yourself that the right person will be lucky to have you and will accept and appreciate you as you are.”

“Take your medication (if you've been prescribed some), do a progressive muscle relaxation exercise beforehand to relax — and remember to challenge any negative thoughts regarding judgment or rejection,” she adds.

Pratt agrees: “It’s also helpful to keep in mind that dating is naturally anxiety-inducing for most people, so know that you’re likely not alone in your discomfort!”

“If you struggle with social anxiety and are preparing for a date, keep in mind that our emotions are ‘loudest’ within our own heads — it’s often very evident to us that we are uncomfortable, but much less palpable to others who aren’t sharing that same experience,” she says.

4. Tips For Talking To A New Partner About Your Social Anxiety

If you haven’t brought it up yet within the first few dates, that’s probably fine — particularly if the other person hasn’t noticed anything. There’s no rule saying you have to get that kind of revelation out of the way with in the very early going.

“In general, I would say that you can have fun on the first few dates and you don’t have to bring it up right away unless you are having debilitating symptoms that you need to explain,” says Dr. Sherman.

In that case, you should probably be upfront about things with them. “Be honest about your condition so that they don't take it personally if you feel anxious or wish to take a break from a social situation,” Dr. Sherman says. “If they have a context for your symptomology and have been briefed, they will be likely to understand.”

Regardless, if you see the potential for greater things in a fledgling relationship, it would be good to discuss your issues before too much time has elapsed.

“One way to discuss it, say a month or six weeks in, is to say,

‘Sometimes I experience social anxiety but I am being treated for it. I take meds and see someone to talk [weekly or monthly]. I function well but I wanted to be honest with you and if you see that I am feeling a bit off one day I wanted you to know that it wasn’t you and for you to have a context for it. I have my own tools to deal with it so you don’t have to do anything specific. Let me know if you have any questions for me about it though.’

“This sets up the opportunity to be transparent and to develop an honest communicative relationship from the start,” says Dr. Sherman.

RELATED: How To Talk To A New Partner About Mental Health Struggles

Even if you’re feeling alone in this, if your partner truly cares about you, they’ll be there to support you — just don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

As Lee says, “If the other person is truly a good person for you, they will accept you with all your flaws and imperfections. If you share with them your social anxiety in a vulnerable way you may elicit their empathy and experience love and acceptance that may actually reduce your fear of rejection and your social anxiety.”