Small hands, health records, pantsuits and plagiarism: could the presidential candidates make them funny at the traditional bipartisan charity fundraiser?

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump took turns at the podium at the Alfred E Smith dinner in New York on Thursday night.

Trump booed for calling Clinton 'corrupt' as bipartisan dinner turns sour Read more

The annual Catholic fundraiser for needy children, hosted by the Archbishop of New York, Timothy Dolan, is usually an opportunity for White House wannabes to lob a few shots at their opponent, with a dose of self-deprecation thrown in.

But could Trump and Clinton – battling in the bitterest election for years – rise to the occasion?

Donald Trump’s best jokes

You know, Cardinal Dolan and I have some things in common. For instance, we both run impressive properties on Fifth Avenue. Of course, his is much more impressive than mine. That’s because I built mine with my own beautifully formed hands.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Donald Trump and his resolutely normal-sized hands. Photograph: Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

It’s great to be here with a thousand wonderful people – or as I call it, a small, intimate dinner with some friends. Or as Hillary calls it, her largest crowd of the season.



Even tonight, with all of the heated back-and-forth between my opponent and me at the debate last night, we have proven that we can actually be civil to each other. In fact, just before taking the dais, Hillary accidentally bumped into me, and she very civilly said: ‘Pardon me.’ And I very politely replied: ‘Let me talk to you about that after I get into office.’

Michelle Obama gives a speech, and everyone loves it. It’s fantastic. They think she is absolutely great. My wife, Melania, gives the exact same speech and people get on her case.

Hillary Clinton’s best jokes

This is such a special event that I took a break from my rigorous nap schedule … It is a treat for all of you, too, because usually I charge a lot for speeches like this.

There are a lot of friendly faces in this room … I just want to put you all in a basket of adorables. And you look so good in your tuxes – or as I refer to them, formal pantsuits. And because this dinner is for such a great cause, Donald, if at any time you don’t like what I’m saying, feel free to stand up and shout ‘wrong’ while I’m talking.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Cardinal Dolan, Melania Trump and others laugh as Hillary Clinton speaks. Donald Trump: not laughing. Photograph: Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images

Come to think of it, it’s amazing I am appearing after Donald. I did not think he would be OK with a peaceful transition of power. And, Donald, after listening to your speech, I will also enjoy listening to Mike Pence deny that you ever gave it.

People look at the Statue of Liberty and see a proud symbol of our history as a nation of immigrants, a beacon of hope for people around the world. Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a 4, maybe a 5 if she loses the torch and tablet and changes her hair. Come to think of it, you know what would be a good number for a woman? 45.

People say, and I hear them, they say I’m boring compared to Donald, but I’m not boring at all. In fact, I am the life of every party I attended, and I have been to three.

I had to listen to Donald for three full debates, and he says I don’t have any stamina … That is four and a half hours. I have now stood next to Donald Trump longer than any of his campaign managers.

Donald really is as healthy as a horse – you know, the one that Vladimir Putin rides around on.



I said no to some jokes that I thought were over the line, but I suppose you can judge for yourself on WikiLeaks in the next few days.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Hillary Clinton is welcomed to the podium by Alfred E Smith IV. Photograph: Andrew Harnik/AP

Best supporting actors

Alfred E Smith IV, introducing Clinton:

I am pleased to announce that tonight we have raised $6m. Let me put that in perspective for you: that would pay for nearly five minutes of our next speaker’s speech.

Hillary really did not mean it when she called half of Donald supporters a basket of deplorables. To be fair, Donald did not really mean it when he said he would release his tax returns, either.

And Catholic Cardinal Dolan rounded off the evening:

I am coming down with a cold, which is completely understandable, because I have had a seat between the two candidates in what is probably the iciest place on the planet. Where is global warming when you need it?

The jokes that got a … mixed response

Some of Clinton’s would-be zingers elicited a mixture of laughter and booing:

You notice there is no teleprompters here tonight, which is probably smart, because it may be you saw Donald … dismantle his own. Maybe it is harder when you are translating from the original Russian.

I have deep respect for people like Kellyanne Conway. She is working day and night for Donald, and because she is a contractor, he is probably not even going to pay her.



And the ones that fell really flat

When Trump lost his audience:

Hillary is so corrupt, she got kicked off the Watergate commission.



Facebook Twitter Pinterest So bad it’s bad: Trump fails to raise a smile with his angrier barbs. Photograph: Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

We have learned so much from WikiLeaks. For example, Hillary Clinton believes it is vital to deceive the people by having one public policy and it is only different policy in private. [Boos from audience.] That’s OK. I don’t know who they are angry at, Hillary or I. Here she is tonight in public, pretending not to hate Catholics.

Everyone knows, of course, Hillary has believed that it takes a village, which only makes sense, after all, in places like Haiti, where she has taken a number of them.

And awkward is the word for this Clinton line: