I’ve spent the past couple of days unwinding, working out the tangles and knots in my body and mind. I’ve been coiled up too tight for too long. Surprisingly — at least to myself — I haven’t revisited the decision to leave. I’ve been looking to the future, thinking about where I want to go next. How I want to coach my next squad. What I need.

I owe you all an explanation, though. I left quite suddenly, and really nobody knew except my family and Paulo (TNC’s manager). It’s quite probable that I even surprised some of the players.

In truth, I think I left somewhere during the last series against OG. I watched the struggle on the screen and felt oddly serene. Driftwood on the waves. I’d done my job as best I could, but things had been going downhill for a couple of days already and I’d been powerless to turn the tide. When the gg was called I felt relief.

I remember soul-crushing defeats… falling to DC in TI6, failing to qualify for Boston, Faceless denying us in Kiev. Every single one of them was like a kick to the stomach. This was nothing like it, which meant that something had gone horribly wrong. In the moment I accepted that fact rather calmly.

I couldn’t say anything to the team — I couldn’t reach out and share the grief, and I couldn’t tell them how I really felt either. But then again, I hadn’t been able to share my feelings for quite a while now. I watched Theeban give the post-loss interview and felt even weirder. I had to leave. I went downstairs to my family and friends. I hugged my sister and cried.

The team that had just lost didn’t feel like my team anymore. When I came in before Kiev I was coach and I made a difference. After the roster changed I moved back into pure analysis. I was ready for that, and I was happy to do so. What I didn’t realize was that I’d slowly disappear into the background, going from “part of the team” to “staff”, and changing from someone who was breaking new ground into someone who was just doing their job. Some of this was my own fault. Another part of it was an inevitable consequence of hiring a player whose skillset overlapped mine.

So when it became clear that the roster wouldn’t change, I also knew that my position within the team wouldn’t change. I could stay on as an analyst. I could coach the ladies’ team if I wanted to. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?

My answer is no. I came here through pushing my boundaries and I don’t think I’m nearly at my limits yet. I will gladly sacrifice those ambitions for the team — but not without emotional reward. I want to be part of it, own it, win or loss, rain or shine, every scrim and every sleepless night.

I’ve been there — in Kiev. I’ve felt it — in TI6. I want that again… and so I will look elsewhere.

To all TNC fans in the Philippines and beyond: thank you for your endless support & belief. It’s been a blast, and I love every single one of you.

To Raven, Tims, Kuku, SamH, Theeban, and also Ryoyr: thank you for believing in me. You guys are so very, very good. Have faith. Stay true to your past and the future is yours.

To Paulo: good job coach, and good luck.

Shout-out to sir Eric & Arlene, auntie Rowena, Ria, & the pig farmers of Amaryllis ;)

— — —

I anticipate some reactions. So here are some explanations.

TNC was so good! You could win so much if you stick with them. “Winning” is not synonymous with “growth”. If my pro Dota career was a baby it would be 16 months old now. I am still very, very new, and I owe it to myself to take my time and explore my options.

TNC was so good! The team will win much more if you stick with them. But not that much more. I didn’t have the kind of impact I wanted to have, and the analysis job as it is now can be done just as well (or better) by someone else.

You could have coached the women’s team. And it would have been a step back. There wouldn’t be any opportunities to measure myself against the best, like in Kiev, and doing a good job wouldn’t have nearly the same impact as doing a good job with an actual pro team.

But you are just an analyst. And I want to be a coach. If it turns out I suck at the job I can always go back. Right now there’s some other people that want me to be a coach as well — several in fact. They offered me jobs. I think I’m gucci.