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EVERYTHING CHANGES

So...I figure now is as good a time as ever to post this.

In the past several months, I've come to terms with the fact that I am transgender. I always had something inside me, but I didn't know what it was called or what to do with it. I remember lying in bed when I was 10 years old and praying that when I woke up, I'd be a girl. I cannot remember any rational reason for this...only that it was something I wished intensely for. I also used to get scolded for playing with my mother's makeup, which I played off as imitating the hair metal and glam rock bands I grew up with.

Since I heard from the radio, TV, and the magazines in my home (not to mention the pulpit on Sunday) that these feelings were dirty and shameful, that I was some sort of deviant, I made them a dirty, shameful thing. Acting on them was something only to be done in private, and then for which to plead forgiveness and beg God for the strength to resist temptation next time.

Some years into my marriage, I told my wife about it these feelings...I told her I was a cross dresser, and she didn't reject me or react with disgust as so many before had. She loved me, and said if it made me happy, she had no problem with it. There was no condemnation or judgment in her. Only love.

She did initially express some concerns...she asked if I wanted to leave her for a man (I didn't, and still don't). She asked if I wanted to be a woman, and I said absolutely not...because at the time, I didn't. I thought a transsexual was someone who already felt like "a woman trapped in a man's body", and that didn't describe me at all. This was the common narrative you'd see portrayed in the media, and much of the information available regarding gender identity issues is dated and outright misleading. I didn't know that the feelings I had were called "gender dysphoria" (the opposite of euphoria...a state of distress and unease about your gender).

Further, I was "good" at being a man. I provided for my family. My wife and son made me very very happy. I took to the role of husband and father naturally and was proud to own those titles. I really didn't hate being a man, and I thought that was a prerequisite. I'd also read countless stories of straight, married crossdressers with otherwise normal, male lives (it's far more common than you'd think).

I thought everyone experienced constant low-grade depression with bouts of intense anxiety for no discernible reason. I thought everyone looked in the mirror and felt oddly disconnected with their own reflection. I'd never felt "normal", so I never knew what normal was. And never knew that these feelings were directly connected with my desire/compulsion to express myself in feminine ways.

With <Wife>'s acceptance, I was finally free to begin exploring these feelings honestly. I realized this wasn't merely something I wanted to do privately in our bedroom. I asked <Wife> if she'd be willing to go out with me when I was "en femme". She had no issue with it. So I daydreamed about what we might do..."girls night out", small getaways and vacations...where I was free to express this side of myself. And the thought of that made me happy. <Wife> was more than just complicit at this time...she was actively supportive. She helped me pick a female name ("Jules", which, coincidentally fit "Juliet", which I'd once heard my mother mention would have been my name, had I been born female). She bought me nail polish and lotions. She was, and still is my best friend, who loved me unconditionally.

However, the ability to explore these feelings honestly and freely started to make my closet seem very very small. Jules started to get very uncomfortable in there. We'd taken a trip back east to visit my parents, in which my mom cornered me and expressed her concern about my weight (this was a given on pretty much every trip home). She made me promise that I'd see a Dr...a weight loss specialist, and get help. I agreed, but refrained from telling her that I now knew my weight was a symptom of my unresolved gender issues. After I got home, and several days of deliberation, I sent my mother a coming out letter. At this time, I simply wanted to be able to express this side of me occasionally without shame or secrecy. I was tired of the closet. I knew hiding for so long was causing me anxiety, depression, and weight gain that would eventually kill me. I told her that my son is better off with a dad who wears dresses than one who was buried in a suit.

She didn't take it well. I won't get into all of the details, but the end result is that everyone in my immediate family has effectively disowned me. My stepfather has asked that I no longer take his name as I'd planned (a Father's day present I offered him to honor him for raising me and my sister). My sister has insisted that I change my name from "Hansen" as well, so as not sully her family name. I've also been asked not to communicate with my youngest sister any further.

The coming out to my mother triggered a deluge of emotions I hadn't realized were there previously. The dam broke. Within a week of the initial letter, I was in therapy with one of the top gender specialists in the country, Dr. Anne Vitale, PhD. One of her essays, (available here: http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm) was my 'Ah HA!' moment. It made me realize that not all transgender people kick their way out of the womb in stilettos and demand the keys to their Barbie Corvette. Some of us happily engage in perfectly male pursuits, but tend toward solo non-contact sports and activities like reading, computers, gaming, and other such activities.

Further, I began to understand gender dysphoria as the medical community now understands it...which is as a congenital birth defect in which the brain's gender does not match the biological sex of the body. Gender transition is a medical treatment in which the body is brought more in line with the brain's gender map, since we don't currently have the technology to do it the other way around. Gender dysphoria is not a psychological disorder...it's an endocrine disorder. My brain is literally wired for a female mix of hormones...it's expecting estrogen, and it's getting testosterone. This causes gender dysphoria...anxiety, emotional numbness, anger, depression, and a compulsion to express oneself in the manner of their brain's gender. I'm happy to provide the current scientific research which supports this theory for anyone who is interested.

This is not a lifestyle. This is not a choice. This is a medical condition with a proven medical treatment that has enjoyed consistent success for many years. Gender transition is the only treatment recognized by medical science in relieving gender dysphoria.

I also realized that gender dysphoria, left un-addressed, was a path that all too often ends in middle age, with me having a nervous breakdown or killing myself (41% of transgender individuals will attempt suicide at sometime in their lives)...if I hadn't managed to eat myself to death by then. And I wasn't going to be much fun to live with in the interim either. After several months of therapy (both with and without <Wife>), and lots of tearful, heart-wrenching conversations with my beloved wife, we agreed that transition was my only option. Unfortunately, this means separation, and likely divorce, as <Wife> is not attracted to women, and I cannot expect her to change her orientation any more than she can ask me will away my gender identity.

There is no bitterness here, no anger...only sadness. <Wife> is my soulmate. She is the love of my life. She feels likewise. Neither of us can even imagine new relationships at this point. I've offered to forego transition multiple times...I've asked her if she wants that, and I was offering it in complete sincerity. She has declined every time. Once she came to understand the nature of what we're dealing with, she even refused my occasional insistence that we throw the whole thing out, and just try to move on with our lives. She knew better, and she wants me to be happy and healthy.

We are still best friends. She's my hero, because she literally saved my life with her unwavering love. We will remain close, spend time both together and with <Son>. Neither of us can predict the future, but maybe when this period of turmoil is over, we can reconnect as a couple on the other side. I can't expect this of her...she can't promise it...but I can hope. But no matter what happens, we will remain close, and continue to love each other and our son very much. As painful as this all has been, neither of us would go back and change the way things happened, because it brought us our beautiful son. I will continue to support <Wife> financially, even though we live apart. She is looking for a part time job to have some degree of independence and control over her life, but I intend to make sure they want for nothing.

So...that's the story up until now. I'm looking for an affordable, safe room to rent to begin my transition. My first course of hormones is on the way. We've been paying down our debts for awhile to lighten the financial burden. I'm trying to find a place nearby so I can come over frequently. <Wife> is still supportive, and has been going with me to check out rooms, wanting to know I'll be safe and she can bring <Son> over for visits. We're just making the best of a really terrible situation that neither of us wanted. We still have our share of tearful conversations...but we're moving ahead so we can both be healthy and happy. I'm down 20lbs since my birthday, and <Wife> is getting back on Jenny Craig so she can be healthy for <Son> as well. We both just want him to have the best life possible.

If you're reading this, it's because you have or had a place in my life at some point. If you should you decide you can't deal with this development in my life, I invite you to remove me from your facebook feed right now. You aren't the first person in my life to abandon me, and you won't be the last. If you want to send messages of support or ask sincere questions, I welcome them, and will answer them frankly and honestly. If you want to hurl insults or take God's name in vain by invoking scripture to condemn me, save it. You have nothing new to say, and your comments will be deleted without a second look.

I'll be changing my facebook name some point in coming months as I begin to live as my real self. It will be "Jules"-something, but as yet I have not decided what last name to use. <Wife> and <Son> will be keeping "Powell", to the best of my knowledge.

Reject fear. Embrace love.

Jules