"I’m not happy about the hurt I caused. But I feel authentic now," says Humans of New York's latest subject.

Coming Out Later In Life: “It Was Wrenching… It Was The End Of Our Marriage”

Throughout the course of his Humans of New York series, Brandon Stanton has exposed many facets of the LGBT community—from sharing the importance of marriage equality to losing a lover to AIDS.

This week, Stanton profiled a man who shared how he came out as gay after being married to a woman for many years and raising four children with her.



“When the last kid left for college, it came to a point where it was just pretense, and I couldn’t hide it anymore,” says the unnamed subject. “I was tired of worrying if people suspected, or if they’d find out, or if they’d still care about me if they knew.”

He calls coming out to his wife “wrenching” and the end of their marriage.

“I just kept telling her I was sorry. I think she felt abandoned. And I’m sorry for that. I also think she felt that our life together was a lie.”

He views their time together differently.

“We were a family. We had four wonderful children that we raised to adulthood. And those are facts. I’m not happy about the hurt I caused. But I feel authentic now. I regret the things I did, but I’m so happy about what I’ve done.”

We don’t know a lot about this man, but its obvious he’s older, and came of age when forging an authentic life as an out gay man was an option few could conceive of. Some did, of course, and there are those who would chastise him for pulling his wife and children into the closet with him, no matter when it was.

The commenters on Facebook were mostly compassionate, though some did feel for his ex.

“I think she deserved to have a husband who would choose commitment over lust,” wrote one.

“I’m glad you’re being true to yourself, but to your wife, it probably was living a lie,” responded another. “She thought she had a husband who was attracted to her and built a life on that, when in fact that is not actually the case. As a woman who’s been lied to, I feel for her. Immensely. I just wish you’d been a little braver a lot sooner, for her sake.”

One woman revealed her parents were in the very same bind.

“Luckily they have been able to focus on the good that they had, including our extended family, and have remained friends. While it was hard at first, both my parents are living their authentic lives now and are happy.”

It’s interesting, though, how quickly we are to judge someone in his situation for “living a lie,” when thousands of people get married every year to people they know they’re not deeply in love with.

The reasons are myriad—security, companionship, social pressure, even a baby on the way.

And when those marriages fall apart, we don’t interrogate the partners about what was in their hearts or accuse them of ruining someone’s life. We just accept that sometimes we make wrong choices and try to learn from them.

Below, members of the LGBT community discuss the unique struggle of coming out later in life.



