Magazines and tabloids tell men everywhere that unless they have abs that can chisel a block of sharp Cheddar into perfectly proportioned slices, they will never land a 10 for the night. Well, Hollywood, I call bullshit. Why would a woman want to bounce quarters off a man’s chest when she could flatten hundred dollar bills between his luscious rolls? As a self-nominated spokesperson for all things feminine, I can say with confidence that women flock to a stomach that makes a statement. Here’s why.

They spend virtually no time at the gym, which means they spend more time thinking about us and buying things for us. Abs are intimidating. They say, “You better start working out, too, missy!” We don’t need that pressure in our lives. The gut is a pillow in its natural habitat when it comes to us watching TV. In addition to being a pillow, it is a natural stabilizer. As in, it gives the lady friend something to hold onto during you know what. The gut helps lower the man’s center of gravity, making him one balanced, bipedal guy. Comes in handy during sports, probably. Men who are in fraternities naturally acquire the gut over time. Men who are in fraternities are also the cream of the procreation crop (Forbes). Using the transitive property, guts are a symbol of genetic perfection. (These are Darwin’s words, not mine.) King Henry VIII had a gut to rival all guts, and he went through wives like D.C. goes through professional sports teams’ names. The gut was once a symbol of wealth. Why has that changed? If you’re able to purchase and consume bottomless Chipotle on a daily basis, ladies will want in on the deal. The gut says American beer. The abs say Bacardi and diet. Which date sounds more fun? John Daly: the man, the myth, the legend. But most importantly, the gut. Daly proves that in order to be the best professional athlete you can be, you should let that sucker go. Somebody catch me while I fall over from so much swooning. Bears, squirrels, and beer bellies alike stock up for the long, cold winter. The extra calories that go toward a blubbery midsection keep us little spoons warm during the harsh, wintery months. His gut is essentially an extra cup holder when you two drive together. “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” is lyrical proof that neither Beyoncé, Michelle, or that other irrelevant one can even handle the prestige of the gut. Have you ever seen a man with a six pack roll his belly like it was a romantic tide coming in at sunset? I think not. Speaking of six packs, the Natural Light kind is the best kind. You can’t shotgun a stomach with a couple of buds on the back porch. Things might get weird. Fat Joe didn’t make his legendary mark on music by merely singing “Lean Back.” His image is what got him to his enviable, one hit wonder celebrity status. Gut spelled backward is Tug. Abs spelled backward is Sba. Sba isn’t even a real word, you guys. “A gut man’s shirt a shack girl’s dress makes.” – Marilyn Monroe after being vastly disappointed by Joe DiMaggio’s subpar and toned baseball body. Both scientists and scientologists have reached an agreement on one thing–guts and comedy go hand in hand. Both practices turn to Chris Farley as a prime example, may he rest in peace. The guy at the party with a distinguished gut is, nine times out of 10, the first to take off his shirt. Who follows suit? Every lady in the room.

So, get off the ab cruncher and start chowing down on some fresh ‘za. Let it all hang out and watch the right swipes come flooding in like a bunch of locusts in that one terrifying part of the Bible with Moses.