Scary, huh? In some depictions he’s described as wearing a crown (sometimes Paimon himself gets to wear it). I’d suggest that one of those peaked caps with a propeller on the top might be more apt.

He is preceded by men playing loud music (particularly trumpets)

Again, not the most terrifying of sounds, especially if they favour New Orleans jazz or ragtime music. In fact, you could imagine them getting short shrift from their leader:

Paimon: Guys, come on. Don’t play that song.

Trumpeters: Why not, Master?

Paimon: ‘When The Saints Come Marching In’? Really? Do I have to spell it out for you?

Trumpeters: Sorry, Master.

Paimon: Just stick to the discordant drone like we agreed, yeah? It’s bad enough that I’m on this fucking camel.

He has a hoarse voice

Think of James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, Orson Welles. Alan Johnson from Peep Show. All of them have great voices – commanding, inspiring, enjoyable to listen to. Now consider this prick coming into town on his camel with a group of trumpeters heralding his arrival with a rousing rendition of ‘Ain’t Misbehavin’’. But wait! He stops, and everything falls silent. He turns his face toward you and gives you his most baleful stare. Your blood runs cold; despite his ridiculous means of conveyance and his marching band, this guy has come from the very depths of hell. He opens his mouth to speak… and croaks at you. Maybe he’s been shouting at his band of trumpeters for too long. I reckon he needs a megaphone to shut them up and a pack of Strepsils to soothe his throat.

His abilities are even more amusing. What kind of thing do you expect a bona fide King of Hell to be able to do? I’m guessing things like turn people into dust just by looking at them; exploding inanimate objects with a single utterance; knowing the innermost desires of mere humans and tricking them into selling their souls by using this knowledge. Not this guy, though.

Mr Paimon

According to Wikipedia, “The Goetia, Weyer, Livre des Esperitz, and the Liber Officiorum Spirituum all describe him as teaching science and answering other questions.” So he’s a science teacher. Now, when I was at school, there were some science teachers who were pricks. Some even had an air of evil about them, but it was nothing that regular use of mouthwash wouldn’t have sorted. None of them seemed like they were summoned from the infernal depths specifically to torment the citizens of God’s earth. In fact, many of them seemed like socially awkward middle-aged men who cared less about personal hygiene and appearance than they did about the awesome power of lithium dropped into a vat of water.

I like the idea of them ‘answering other questions’, though. Kind of like having a demonic Siri hanging about the place.

Me: Paimon, when was John Nettles born?

Paimon: [hoarse whispers]

Me: Fucking hell, mate. Have some honey and lemon or something.

Aquaman

Again according to Wikipedia, ‘the Liber Officiorum Spirituum uniquely gives him command over fish’. I’m not sure what benefits this bestows on him, unless he’s got a tendency to drop his wallet or other valuables into lakes, streams and oceans. Fish just aren’t that useful, and having command over them seems like a really shitty ability. I guess I’d be laughing on the other side of my face if I was on one of those banana boats on holiday and he summoned a great white shark to bite my legs off.

Miscellaneous abilities

The Book of Abramelin reckons that he has these things in his locker, too:

Knowledge of past and future events – I mean, to be fair I have knowledge of past events. Not all of them, granted, but again this kind of makes him like some kind of walking, whispering digital assistant. His knowledge of future events would definitely come in handy, though. If you could understand his stupid whispery voice, at least

Clearing up doubts – even by his standards, this one is shit. I mean, is it like he’s a sort of assay office where you can ask him if your jewellery is kosher? Or like a Satanic agony aunt? I guess if you were neurotic and didn’t have much self-esteem he’d be a good person to have around

Making spirits appear – drinks are on him. Nice one, Paimon

Creating visions – when you’ve rustled me up that rum and coke, can you put the football on mate?

Acquiring and dismissing servant spirits – so essentially he’s Rentaghost then

Reanimating the dead for several years – this seems at once very specific and worryingly vague. Why several years? What happens at the end of those several years? Do they kind of fall apart until they literally can’t hold it together anymore and just collapse in a heap of bones and desiccated organs on the ground?

Flight – I have to be honest, if this was me I’d be pushing this ability waaaaay up the list in my marketing materials. Certainly above the ‘clearing up doubts’ and spirit employment agency bullshit. Although his power of flight does make me wonder why he gets about on a camel. Maybe it’s paired with a crippling fear of heights, or perhaps he just can’t be fucked to fill in all the CAA paperwork to ensure that he’s not going to collide with a passenger jet

Remaining underwater indefinitely – this one intrigued me. The fact that it’s listed as one of his abilities suggest that other demons don’t have it, and further suggests that if you’re being harassed by one of the Lords of Hell all you have to do is drown them. Paimon’s command over fish makes more sense when you realise that he can pretty much just chill underwater for as long as he likes, though

General abilities to “make all kinds of things” (and) “all sorts of people and armour appear” – I think they’d got bored at this point. But again, this should surely come before some of his lesser abilities? If the ability to ‘make all kinds of things’ isn’t some kind of crappy Etsy skill, then this is awesome. Similarly, making all sorts of people appear! Imagine that. I’d totally be asking him to make sexy ladies appear, and also some armour, because that would be cool.

I guess the old saying ‘never meet your heroes’ carries some weight, albeit it should be paraphrased as ‘never search Wikipedia for your heroes’. I’ve gone from seeing Paimon as being this incredible demon – the way he’s portrayed in Hereditary – to seeing him as a rather pathetic figure who, if challenged about his shitty camel or hoarse voice would probably go and do the paperwork for his spiritual employment agency whilst sitting at the bottom of the sea in a sulk.



