Hi, I’m Simon Belmont and I just went on a crazy ass adventure. Ya know, back in 1688 I was telling some fellas down at the local inn as I was passing through that someone “oughta take a whip and beat ol Dracula right in the fucking mouth with it” and then we all had a toast and a good laugh. Well, here I am three years later to the day almost to tell you I did just that. It was crazy.

So, I’m at the pub again one night (yeah I have a bit of a problem but why don’t you mind your business, you sound like my old-lady) and I get a crazy idea. See, speaking of my “old lady” (she hated when I called her that), she left me for another man which is nuts because I’m ripped like a beautiful man machine. In basic dark age terms, I’m a tall glass of sex potion. I wear a loin cloth, I wax my chest which is totally unheard of in the 1690’s, and I carry a whip around like the giant badass I am. I decided after about my twelfth barley wine that I was going to win her back by killing Dracula. It would be all over the headlines in a couple weeks since news travels slow here in the dark ages because everyone is diseased and we get around on rickshaws, but still when she finds out she'll be begging for me.

Still a little buzzed, I stroll up to the front gate of Dracula’s castle. I look up, see the spires silhouetted in the moonlight, distant screams echo from afar. I check the address again...I think this is it. There’s a wall around the outside lit by torches, looks like he’s home. The gate isn’t locked, I open it and waltz in. My first thought is there are a lot of candles, who maintains this?