Use this book to help you and your family cope, but please do not use it as a means of diagnosing, attacking, or exacting revenge on the narcissist. Feel free to edit incorrect information in this book, but remember that it is written primarily by people who may have had first-hand experience living with a narcissist.

Living with a narcissist can be very upsetting at times and also depressing, mainly because it is difficult to describe your experiences to others. Moreover, others outside of the immediate family will often be impressed by a narcissist's charm and are unable to believe your experiences with the narcissistic person are different from theirs. As a result, you are likely to feel misunderstood and isolated.

This "Wikibook" is intended to provide comfort and helpful advice to those living with someone who is narcissistic, or who has either strong narcissistic traits, pathological narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder (also known as NPD). It is intended to help you deal constructively with your situation, to help you understand your predicament, to learn coping strategies, and to develop an understanding of narcissism.

It can be difficult to determine whether someone is a narcissist, even for experts. This is particularly true if you do not know the person very well or don't spend enough time looking for the traits to be revealed. Non-professional diagnoses should be avoided, since there is a risk that they will be skewed by closeness to the subject.

Narcissistic traits are the source of self-love/value and self-empowerment which primary focus is an either overt or covert unusual and unhealthy fixation on always being top of the pyramid to others in their circle. Everyone has the traits found in narcissism at some level. It is only when a trait becomes pathological, that it can become detrimental to those around the sufferer of the disorder. The process of uncovering the narcissist within may be lengthy or quick, depending on how long the victim is hypnotised by the spell they cast.

It is not uncommon between partners, couples, and parents (in relation to children, especially teenagers) to interpret a strong personality as being narcissistic, because it is sometimes easier to label and explain away problematic behaviour, than it is to look inwardly or to examine systemic dysfunction at family level. Is your teenager responding strongly to excessive constraints? Is your spouse rebelling at abuse? Only a qualified mental health professional can formally diagnose personality disorders or mental illnesses.

But there is a significant difference between defiance and narcissism. The following list of traits may provide clues to determine whether someone is demonstrating strongly narcissist behavior.

A narcissist typically requires:

Excessive attention (e.g. likes to be at the centre of a discussion when visitors are in the house); Adulation from others (e.g. likes to be admired by others and therefore presents an excessively positive image of himself/herself to others, in order to secure that admiration); Subservience from others (especially those who are close, those who live or work with him or her)

Do expect the narcissist to be impossible to please.

Expect the narcissist to be unhappy when he or she discovers that you actually want to do what they want you to do. Such as taking a common interest in things they enjoy, just so you can be more relatable to him/her. They will often see it as a put-on and there is nothing that can be done. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You will never be able to please a narcissist.

No one likes to admit their flaws or when they're wrong. Even if you admit to 1, 2, or 10,000 mistakes, don't ever ask a narcissist to admit even one mistake. Never invite or expect a narcissist to apologise either; they will turn things around and instead want to hear more of your faults before continuing as if you'd never asked.

Don't expect a narcissist to pay attention to things which do not affect them personally. They don't ever take interest in ANYTHING they don't care about and will become very rude and angry when asked and will often counter with comments like "you never pay attention to anything when I ask".

A narcissist might actually share very personal information inappropriately early in the relationship, in order to gain sympathy or to "reel you in". No matter how bad their childhood was (and many are shockingly bad), they tend to always remind you how bad they had it and will forever use it as a reason to do or act the way they do. Don't ever try to compare childhoods because... trust me: Just don't.

Accept that a narcissist will find it difficult to remember any events, conversations, or agreements that will contradict them or show they were in the wrong. They will always remember what they ate two years ago at White Castle while wearing those red shoes and a flat bill hat, but they won't remember the two hour conversation yesterday that led to them being in the wrong. In most cases, that day never existed.

Accept that a woman narcissist will try to make their daughter exactly like them.

Don't expect a narcissist to give you what you ask for. They typically will highly exaggerate the value of the item/favor given as well as exaggerate the amount of effort the narcissist undertook to get the item/give the favor.

The narcissist will often criticise you for things which you are not guilty of. In such circumstances, the narcissist may well be revealing what he/she is actually guilty of and they will literally not think for even a brief second that maybe it is them.

A narcissist will be insecure about their relationship. Even when the victim is not at fault, a narcissist will believe there are secrets that have not been uncovered so they will stalk everything involving you to uncover the truth. Meanwhile, you are accused of being insecure and have a guilty conscience if brought to the narcissist's attention. For this reason, do not try to please a narcissist by ridding yourself of anything that causes the narcissist insecurities. Doing so will make them feel empowered and worshipped by their victim and induce them to become even more controlling.

A narcissist will never admit they are a narcissist. They may read books and visit websites regarding the subject but it will do more harm than good. They will not believe that even one characteristic of narcissism pertains to them. Instead, you have now identified yourself as the narcissist in the eyes. Never call a narcissist "a narcissist" without expecting dire consequences for having done so. In fact, a narcissist will blame every behavioral problem you identify on an illness such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, addiction, or insomnia. They will never be willing to consider if they are a narcissist.

A narcissist will always defend their friends and loved ones - to only admit to the good in them to those outside the family system - which in most cases is a positive thing. But a narcissist does not see the good in the victim, yet a narcissist tends to remind them daily of how awful everything is with body language or uninformative messages such as "you'll never get it; use your head; open your eyes; think long and hard; you should know; that's right, your perfect". If you're the victim of a narcissist, most of the time you won't know what's going on or what to say but, in the eye of a narcissist, "you're the devil".

Recent research shows that narcissists sometimes are "ego-dystonic"; that is, having thoughts or exhibiting behaviour that contradicts their idealized self-image. Mostly, narcissists don't care about the clash and they often rationalize the dissonance by blaming others. But many narcissists do develop permanent ego-dystonic thought processes; that is, they constantly feel bad about themselves and their behaviour. When in such a mood of self-doubt, the narcissist is likely to utter things like "you deserve better" and "I can never please anyone". But these proclamations are meant to test the narcissist's closest, nearest, or dearest. Will they abandon/humiliate/betray him once they discover his true face?

A narcissist often criticises or vilifies others, often blatantly focusing on initial appearances yet hates it when others criticise him or her; they are hypercritical of others, yet hypersensitive to criticism. The narcissist will especially look to undermine others when they have a narcissistic injury; the bigger the injury, the more volatile and outrageous the attack. This negative and shallow-minded superficiality can be mind-numbing and soul-crushing for the openhearted in their presence.

The narcissist may also be very adept at vilifying; doing it in a gracious, innocent, sarcastic, or humorous manner, while trying to make his or her backbiting seem socially acceptable.

A narcissist likes to receive praise from others but often dislikes to hear other people being praised.

Therefore, if you are in the habit of often speaking well of people (always giving praise when praise is due) then you may soon encounter objections from narcissists who hate to see others being praised. In this way, you may start to see narcissists raising their heads above the parapet to take aim at others who you praise. When a narcissist praises you, it will be insincere and inevitably harbours a hidden motive.

A narcissist likes to ask favours of others but dislikes it when others ask too many favours of him or her. They may make a huge production out of doing the smallest favours for others, even when they didn't really go out of their way to do the favor itself. The narcissist will also take account of each and every good thing they have done for you and any mistakes you make to use against you in the future, whilst completely disregarding all the bad things they do to you and good things you have done for them. A narcissist's favours will usually surround minimal effort such as money or as a method to disguise personal gain. The narcissist only thinks of themselves in the light, as compared to the rest of the universe who are, in the narcissist's mind, simply there to serve them.

A narcissist can be dishonest, but at the same time is a master of disguise and can lie very convincingly. The narcissist's lies may take the form of exaggeration or, in some cases, complete fabrication. To many who live with the narcissist, it seems that the narcissist has a cavalier disrespect for precise truth, and there is a strong temptation for other family members to adopt a similar disrespect for precise truth. If one questions their inaccuracies, their response will often be outrage that you dare question their integrity (even when the lie is obvious), or berating you for being so petty to point out their fabrication. Once confronted the narcissist will pull out their list of all the mistakes you have made and throw them at you hysterically as a conversation diversion tactic until you lose will to pursue to uncover the truth. The person who dares to approach the narcissist will be left feeling confused, berated and full of guilt.

Anyone who is involved in the life of the narcissist will often be manipulated through guilt to act a certain way that the narcissist wishes. Once the narcissist can feel the power slipping and the person finding their voice, they will initially triangulate by involving other people. The narcissist fears a strong-minded and willed individual as they serve no purpose in their admiration game. Once a person serves no purpose to the narcissist, they triangulate by devaluing them to other people.

The narcissist saps energy from other humans often demanding full attention which can be seen as clingy and overwhelming. If the narcissist doesn’t receive what he/she perceives as adequate attention, they resort to other methods such as creating drama, using guilt to manipulate and can even use silent treatment as a punishment. The narcissist detests being alone as they need to feed off other people's energy to survive.

The most convenient method for a narcissist to receive attention is often through playing a part of the victim from all past relationships. The narcissist will never admit or accept their own failures, which means a narcissist finds it hard to let go of the past. This is because the past is a script they have rehearsed and perfected which is usually said for the emotional response and sympathy of others.

A narcissist thinks that he or she is entitled to special privileges or special treatment.

A narcissist is inter-personally exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, without regard for how their choices might effect others. They will justify this by saying that they did it "for their own good" or by some "end justifies the means" rationalization.

A narcissist has little or no empathy and is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

A lack of genuine empathy (e.g. feeling genuinely sad when seeing other people being sad) is a key aspect of pathological narcissism - although it should be borne in mind that a lack of empathy is exhibited not only by narcissists but by sociopaths as well. However, keep in mind that one may feel genuine sympathy without expressing it, or alternately, may convincingly feign sympathy while feeling nothing.

A narcissist is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

A narcissist typically seeks to control the family finances. Sometimes this need for control is also seen in their everyday traits, such as always wanting to be the one who drives the family car, decides the daily agenda, such as where the family will go to eat, or what they will have for dinner, outside of normal family roles (e.g., the person who does the daily grocery shopping and cooks the meals typically determines what the family will eat; the narcissist insists on controlling this even when he/she participates in neither of these precursor activities).

A narcissist often has an arrogant affect (e.g. haughty behaviours or attitudes).

Some traits of a narcissist Edit

There are several different kinds of narcissism. See https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/i-hear-you/201904/4-types-narcissist-and-how-spot-each-one for a description of each. The narcissist can be a man or a woman and there is minimal difference in the disorder traits between gender.

They are the life and soul of the party and are very often the centre of attention. They are exciting to be with, especially early on in the relationship. If they can't get attention or adulation or admiration from those around them they may try to get some subservience from someone, asking people to do things for them, or they may withdraw from the situation on some pretext or other. If they can't get attention, admiration, adulation or subservience they'll probably be displeased, though they'll try not to show their displeasure in public. In private with their immediate family, they would probably throw a temper tantrum. The smile that they display in public is their only smile because they'll seldom smile to their nearest and dearest at home unless they're in an unusually good mood. Don't presume that their public face is their only face.

The narcissist doesn't believe in equality, or at least not when it affects them. Equality would seem demeaning to the narcissist if it applied to them, because it places them down on the same level as everyone else. They often assume special privileges for themselves, knowing that others won't typically to call them out for taking liberties in various situations. Since the narcissist believes they're entitled to special privileges, and seeks the easiest way to get ahead, where they feel they deserve to be, anyway, trying to get around the laws applied to everyone else is a quick and easy means to that end.

If (as often happens in private) they shout and swears or intimidate their immediate family, simply remove yourself from their presence. However, they may join you to continue their tantrum and/or narcissistic rage. A narcissist can also stay very calm while showing displeasure. Their lack of empathy allows for a disconnect between words and emotion. A temper tantrum can be in the form of carefully dismantling the characters of their loved one(s), in a very cold-hearted and abusive fashion. They're an expert at detraction and calumny (“false accusation, slander; objection raised in bad faith”). They can gossip with an innocent composure. They can assassinate a person's reputation and yet make the assassination seem like a decent conversation.

They will often project, criticising you for the very things that they himself are guilty of. They might gallingly tell you that you have no sympathy, or that you are a control freak, or that you were trying to be the centre of attention when the visitors were in. They might even tell you that you are behaving hysterically when you are not even angry. Listen carefully to what they accuse you of because it might well tell you what they are doing, thinking, or planning.

They crave your sympathy, its a kind of attention. They are sure to tell you how unfortunate they are and how bad the people in their life are. They'll be sure to paint a dark picture of others and you (unless they're dependent on you in some way). In order to assure for themself a constant flow of attention and sympathy, the narcissist will come up with almost-constant, daily dramas, that are typical, at best, only vaguely rooted in the truth: a cousin with high blood pressure becomes a cousin with grave heart problems; a friend who once had cancer has near-continual scares regarding its recurrence; a friend with money troubles is about to become homeless. Sometimes the dramas are completely fabricated. The narcissist will be constantly having to deal with supposed upcoming medical appointments because the doctor wants to run "more tests" on the narcissist or on those close to him. This cycle can go on and on without the attention-seeker ever getting caught. After all, why would anyone think to fact-check the narcissist on something such as an upcoming medical appointment? Besides, with today's privacy laws, it's virtually impossible to do so.

Others will regularly get angry at the narcissist's inappropriate, unethical, bullying behaviours, and they will immediately be dismissed by the narcissist as hotheads, jealous, liars, or as having any number of other defects. After all, their anger has to be inappropriate since the narcissist will never admit to being wrong themselves. This tactic also simultaneously provides them with another level of denial, as the narcissist feels that everyone loves them and wants to be more like him, so the narcissist thinks that even people who are openly hostile to them really like them; they are simply short-tempered or jealous. The narcissist will typically go to great lengths to make everyone, including the person getting upset, feel like they are in the wrong, by focusing on the person's reaction to the narcissist's outrageous behaviour, drawing attention away from their own conduct which led to the other person getting upset in the first place.

Visitors are as bemused when they see the children being exceptionally noisy despite them seemingly having two quiet, calm parents. Don't be fooled. Children pick up many of their traits from watching their parents. If parents are calm when visitors are in, don't assume that they are calm when there are no visitors. Perhaps if you try to be a fly-on-the-wall the narcissist might momentarily forget that you are there and you will catch them off-guard, and then you will see how the narcissist relates to their children in private.

People who live or work with a narcissist eventually get fed up listening to the narcissist endlessly criticising their friends. These are often friends who appear to adore the narcissist. Those friends have no idea what they say about them. The narcissist's friends, however, will often happily listen to the narcissist defaming the characters of others.

If you marry a narcissist, their behaviour and attitude will seem to change suddenly after the wedding. You might think that they have suddenly changed but actually they haven't. It's just that you are now seeing their private behaviour rather than the façade which they presented to you before you got married. If they hadn't presented that façade to you, and if you could have seen how they would behave to you once you become their immediate family, do you really think you would have married them? Before marrying a suspected narcissist watch very closely how they treat their parents - if they are rude to them don't marry them! The same scenario can play out in the business world: the day after the contract is signed, you are otherwise locked into giving them what you want, so watch out!

Charm Edit

A narcissist typically has quite a lot of superficial charm or charisma. As Dr, Les Carter puts it in his book Enough of you, let's talk about ME, a narcissist is capable of "making a good impression". It is highly likely that the narcissist will be popular among those who do not know him/her very well and who are unwise to his/her behaviours. The narcissist is unlikely to have difficulty in making new friends. Typically, many people will hold the narcissist in high regard, not realizing that the narcissist could be leading a "double-life". There is also a tendency for some people to feel sorry for the narcissist due to the tactics described above.

In public or semi-public situations, the narcissist will often use charm in order to become the centre of attention. At a social event, for instance, the narcissist may often be found leading and directing the conversation. Watch them as they make exaggerated gestures to keep the attention of the crowd: flapping their arms and other excessive body motions, exaggerated facial expressions and inflections in their voice, as if they are performing in a dramatic play. This all works to the benefit of the narcissist, who can use charm to garner attention, admiration, and adulation.

The narcissist's charm is sometimes known as "deadly charm", or words to that effect, because the narcissist's ability to create a good impression can make him/her devastatingly successful at damaging the good reputation of others. The narcissist's charm often enables them to detract other people without seeming indecent and many people will think that the narcissist, by displaying a pleasant manner, is simply trying to help the people whom he/she is detracting. Even to the vigilant observer it may be difficult to determine whether the narcissist really wishes to damage the character of the people being detracted, but the damage to them can be very real.

In abusive relationships, the narcissist's "deadly charm" can cause the victim to feel very isolated. For instance, in some cases, the narcissist's partner may be afraid to contact the police or authorities for fear that the narcissist will charm them into believing that it is the narcissist's partner that is the problem and not the narcissist. Some people describe a narcissist as a "great victory of image over substance" because they can get people to side with them before the victim has a chance to present his/her evidence to the contrary.

Rage Edit

One of the most unpleasant aspects of living with a narcissist is watching the narcissist having fits of seemingly uncontrollable rage. These fits of rage will tend to happen in the privacy of the immediate family rather than in public situations since fits of rage in public situations would endanger the admiration and attention from outsiders which the narcissist craves. The narcissist's face will often turn a florid red and his/her face may look contorted with anger. The narcissist may hurl a hail of shouts and verbal obscenities. Usually the rage is expressed verbally but some narcissists will become physically violent. Sometimes these fits of rage will be triggered when the narcissist is interrupted or confronted but sometimes they will arise from seemingly trivial things (e.g. the toilet paper installed the wrong way, or at least not the way the narcissist likes it to be installed). Sometimes the rage is less dramatic and takes the form of rancour, where the narcissist hurls repeated criticisms and hurtful remarks rather than shouts and swearing.

These attacks of seemingly uncontrollable rage can have benefits, from the point of view of the narcissist, since they lead to the narcissist gaining attention under the very circumstances in which the narcissist finds it so difficult to command undivided and constant attention (e.g. with the family in private).

It is important to appreciate that persons outside of the family do not obtain the opportunity to witness these bouts of narcissistic rage and will not be aware that they exist. Outsiders will often perceive the narcissist's behaviour to be outgoing, fun, or "laid back". Hearing outsiders making comments such as these are hard to bear for those who live with a narcissist and who are painfully aware of the narcissist's contrasting private persona.

Being elsewhere Edit

While we can all daydream at times, it is sometimes said that the narcissist fantasizes about success or power. This may manifest itself as the narcissist appearing to daydream (e.g. staring at a nondescript part of a wall but yet looking as if he/she is watching television). This can be quite disturbing for family members if the narcissist has a tendency to be irate whenever emerging from such "trances". Family members, on seeing the narcissist daydreaming, may start anticipating the narcissist's development of anger, as though the sight of the narcissist's daydreaming were a kind of "calm before the storm".

Sense of self-entitlement Edit

It is said that narcissistic people have a strong sense of entitlement, sometimes to the point of thinking that they are entitled to special privileges. The narcissist, for example, might frequently insist upon high quality items, even if family finances are tight (e.g. an expensive car or an expensive kitchen) and be very angry if he/she does not get his/her way, to the point of failing to properly understand that family finances are for the family as a whole.

Interruption Edit

A narcissist will often feel entitled to interrupt others in conversation but, on the other hand, can become angry (either overtly or covertly) if another person interrupts the narcissist. The tendency to interrupt is one of the narcissistic traits that reveals itself in public and semi-public situations. After all, the narcissist can't be the center of attention in the crowd when someone else is talking. As with many things, they often don't know when to stop pushing others, and will sometimes end up alone at the end of the party because everyone has found that they can't stomach a long conversation with the narcissist. As a result, the narcissist will usually learn to bounce around from person to person, taking on the role as the "life of the party", and in this way, they can avoid having others tire of their overbearing conversational style, and they also avoid having someone leave their conversation; the narcissist is always the one to walk away first.

Lack of empathy Edit

The narcissist seems to be very focused on his/her own needs and preferences and consequently, due to their self-centered nature and complete lack of empathy, seems almost oblivious to the needs of others or contemptuous of the preferences of others, even with their own children. The exception is when the narcissist is in the company of someone whom he/she is seeking to impress.

Controlling Edit

The narcissist often feels the need to control others, particularly people whom the narcissist considers to be in some ways dependent upon him or her. With people outside of the immediate family the narcissist may still wish to control but will do so with care - often seeking to modify the plans of others in subtle ways and with a charming smile. With immediate family, however, the narcissist is much less likely to use charm and is more likely to insist, quite forcefully, that family members conform to the narcissist's wishes. The narcissist will employ various tactics to keep others dependent on the narcissist, encouraging them to take career paths that are sure to keep them subservient and dependent. This has a secondary benefit in that the narcissist can then gain sympathy by complaining to others how they have to bear all the family burdens on their own back.

Criticizing Edit

The narcissist seems to criticise others endlessly, whether in public or in private. In public, however, the narcissist can make his/her criticisms look like genuine concern. The narcissist's criticisms often involve exaggerating the person's faults, sometimes to the point of lying. People who do not know the narcissist well are likely to develop negative emotions towards the people whom the narcissist strongly criticises. People within the family or at work are more likely to wise-up to the narcissist's exaggerations and half-truths. People within the family often have to listen to the narcissist criticising colleagues and relatives but are unable to let those colleagues and relatives know the extent to which the narcissist is trying to denigrate them.

Often, the narcissist will complain about something far in the past, over which the colleague had no control or couldn't possibly know, phrasing it in a way that tries to make the narcissist look like the good guy. An example: for years, never asking for a specific type of information during meetings, then later expressing their profound disappointment that the colleague kept the information from them. If the colleague challenges their version of what happened, the narcissist will become outraged that they dare question their integrity, or may undermine the colleague's competence by stating that it was the colleague's job to know what information they should be providing, or alternately, play the victim by saying that they put up with the colleague's inadequacy because they didn't want to upset or belittle them (as they are doing now by saying it this way!).

On the other hand the narcissist cannot bear to be criticised by others and is hypersensitive to criticism. If people outside the family criticise the narcissist, the narcissist is likely to take revenge by speaking ill of the person later. With immediate family the narcissist is more likely to respond to criticism by overtly aggressive behaviour. At work, they will soon take revenge by setting the offender up for failure, or to be blamed for something that was probably not their fault at all. The plans can often be intricate.

A particularly effective tactic is pitting one of his family members, friends, or colleagues against each other by saying to person A that person B said or did something that the narcissist knows will upset person A, or at least will make person A think less of person B. Often the narcissist will then complete the circle of manipulation by going to person B and letting him know how little person A thinks of him, perhaps even sharing negative comments person A might have said in response to the narcissist's provocation. This simultaneously puts both person A and person B on the defense, directs attention, appreciation and dependency to the narcissist, and separates those close to him so that he can more effectively control each of them.

Projection Edit

Often the narcissist will criticise you for things which you are not guilty of but which in fact the narcissist is guilty of. An example of this is that the narcissist may accuse you of being angry when in fact it is the narcissist that is showing signs of anger. People who live with a narcissist, therefore, can often be accused of being selfish, inconsiderate, envious, dishonest, arrogant, etc. (e.g. the very traits that are typical of narcissists).

By way of example,

Family member: Why did you say that you won the race, when you didn’t?

Narcissist: You always exaggerate!

Projection is considered to be one of the ego's defence mechanisms. It involves attributing our own unacceptable feelings to others. In this way the narcissist rid himself of some of his own unacceptable feelings, while simultaneously raising himself even further relative to others by pushing them down via the projection of the negative traits onto them. This also puts you on the defense and therefore the narcissist is more in control of the relationship.

When a narcissist criticizes someone, sometimes those criticisms can reveal what the narcissist is secretly thinking or doing themselves.

Lying and gaslighting Edit

A narcissist might claim not to have said something which he/she did say. Sometimes this behaviour is so ingrained that the narcissist can contradict himself/herself within the same sentence! Sometimes they will hold their ground even when faced with written evidence or multiple witnesses who are contradicting his claims. This puts you on the defense and therefore the narcissist is more in control of the relationship. This behavior can be extremely frustrating for the family or other person dealing with the narcissist, so PAY ATTENTION to what he/she says and to what you say in response. Otherwise, he/she can convince you that you are the crazy one.

Mendacious exaggeration Edit

While it is often said that narcissists lie a lot, the lies often take the form of exaggerations rather than new fabrications.

Ingratitude (or reluctant gratitude) Edit

When someone does a favour or a task for a narcissist, the narcissist is often reluctant to acknowledge the person's good work, sometimes arguing instead that it is the narcissist that deserves the thanks for having organized the person to carry out the task. The narcissist may proffer "thanks" but the level of genuine gratitude is low.

A sense of time urgency Edit

A narcissist typically exhibits a greater sense of time urgency than other people. For example, a narcissist will often complain much more strongly than other people when someone is late in visiting or late in arriving. While all people dislike being kept waiting, a narcissist's reaction is unusually strong. Some books suggest that this sense of time urgency arises out of the narcissist's impatience. He/she will also be very impatient when asking a question especially during an argument wanting an answer almost immediately, then accusing you of lying because you took too long to answer. Keep in mind he/she literally gave you almost one second to answer. Or instead, he/she will accuse you of ignoring them while you're still processing their question. They demand quick answers, accusing that needing time to think about the answer, is only time to think of a good lie. Completely lacking empathy, the narcissist will also assume that everything they want and need is much more important than the priorities of others. Therefore, the narcissist expects others to drop whatever it is they are doing and immediately attend to the narcissist's needs.

The narcissist will use timing to gain greater control over the relationship and further priorities their needs above others: sometimes they will delay responses to others (or fail to respond at all when a response is clearly needed), which is yet another way of telling others that their needs are less important than that of the narcissist. This also gives them the upper hand when dealing with others, as they can delay and evade, then gain the upper hand at the last minute when it's really too late for the other side to get what it wants, or forcing the other side to capitulate and agree to an unfair situation in order to at least salvage something before it's too late.

Beware of any type of negotiations with the narcissist, because all norms that typically govern what is commonly considered fair and ethical negotiations are thrown out the window, except that the narcissist strictly holds the other side subject to those rules. This is yet another strategy the narcissist uses in order to gain complete control over the relationship, and a means to getting what they want. Remember, the rules never apply to the narcissist, and their needs are always more important than that of the other side. For the narcissist, the end always justifies the means when their needs are hanging in the balance. After all, they deserve it. Therefore, it will seem like everything they want, no matter how small, is a "deal breaker", while you are petty for insisting on the petty things on your "must have" list, or by painting your completely reasonable requests as utterly ridiculous, patently unacceptable, or perhaps even unethical. The narcissist will ruthlessly bully you while simultaneously using their well-honed powers of projection by calling you unfair or overly aggressive. They will agree to something in order to get what they want, then have absolutely no problem later withdrawing their agreement to, or not living up to something they promised, simply because they never intended to do it in the first place. They will delay and evade ruthlessly if you dare set a deadline, or if they know you need something done by a particular date. This is a recipe for disaster if any type of negotiations are attempted with the narcissist. You will ALWAYS lose when the other side is a narcissist.

The narcissist will manipulate, use, and abuse you in various ways throughout the relationship, and then when you finally have had enough, they will negotiate ruthlessly to take what little you have as you exit, or make exiting the relationship so painful you begin to wonder if it's less horrible to just stay in the relationship and put up with the narcissist's abuse. After all, this is what they hope you'll decide, so that they can continue manipulating and controlling the subject they've had so much practice with. Therefore, they'll do everything in their power to see that you come to the decision that it's worse to leave; or they'll be sure that you'll pay dearly if you still choose to walk away.