It’s not often that I get to be the bearer of good news at my humble little gig here on Medium, but readers will be glad to learn that I can put your minds at ease about at least one major concern today: the CIA is about to become much more vicious.

It goes without saying that one of the major worries on the average American’s mind is that the Central Intelligence Agency has gotten far too soft and cuddly lately, but at today’s National Security Summit for the Foundation for Defense of Democracies, CIA Director Mike Pompeo assured us that we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The Jerusalem Post reports that Pompeo said his role in the CIA has entailed helping it “become a much more vicious agency” in fighting US adversaries, which include Iran and the “Syrian regime”.

Pompeo did not specify the ways in which the CIA will be increasing its woefully deficient amount of viciousness, so it’s unclear how it will be escalating its savagery beyond torture, assassinations, drug running, warmongering, manipulating elections and toppling governments around the world, spying on congressional legislators and lying about it under oath, conducting psyops on entire nations, illegal domestic espionage, Orwellian surveillance programs, infiltrating the media, drug-induced mind control experiments, and deliberately arming and training known terrorist factions.

Regardless, we can all sleep a little safer at night knowing that the agency will finally be taking off the kid gloves and dispensing with cutesy little girl scout tactics like those employed by the Phoenix program, an operation which involved in the kidnapping, torture, and murder of thousands upon thousands of Vietnamese civilians, its methods including the following:

“Rape, gang rape, rape using eels, snakes, or hard objects, and rape followed by murder; electric shock (‘the Bell Telephone Hour’) rendered by attaching wires to the genitals or other sensitive parts of the body, like the tongue; the ‘water treatment’; the ‘airplane’ in which the prisoner’s arms were tied behind the back, and the rope looped over a hook on the ceiling, suspending the prisoner in midair, after which he or she was beaten; beatings with rubber hoses and whips; the use of police dogs to maul prisoners,”

and

“The use of the insertion of the 6-inch dowel into the canal of one of my detainee’s ears, and the tapping through the brain until dead. The starvation to death (in a cage), of a Vietnamese woman who was suspected of being part of the local political education cadre in one of the local villages…The use of electronic gear such as sealed telephones attached to…both the women’s vaginas and men’s testicles [to] shock them into submission.”

So plainly it’s time for these fine fellows to stop playing Mr. Nice Guy and start doing some real work for freedom and democracy. Perhaps they can start filling Yemeni war orphans with helium until they float into the atmosphere and explode, or airdrop busloads of civilians on top of nursing homes in Syria? Surely there’s a way to napalm cities via drone by now, right? It’s 2017 for cryin’ out loud!

Thank you, Mike Pompeo, for finally bringing an end to the tutu-wearing tickle party days of the CIA. Lord knows if there’s one thing your agency needs, it’s more sociopathic bloodlust and brutality.

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