HOLLYWOOD — The King of the Reboot has finally been outed as a literal reboot of the director whose style he’s aped for years. In an exclusive Instagram DM session with FSW, a former assistant for J.J. Abrams has confirmed the filmmaker was created in a lab using a single hair from Steven Spielberg along with one tortoise shell eyeglass frame leg from the acclaimed director of such classics as Jaws, E.T., Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

According to our loose lipped source, Abrams — who goes by the name Steeven — is the product of cloning technology jointly financed by the U.S., Russia, China and Israel. “Steeven’s programmed to mimic Spielberg from the way he walks to the way he talks, down to the way he writes and directs movies.” When FSW probed as to the timing of the assistant’s revelation, she made another shocking admission. “I’m only coming forward now because Steeven has lost the plot. He’s become a danger to himself and the entire Spielberg legacy. And here’s the rub: no one knows how to re-imprint the brain stem of a clone already out in the field.”

There does appear to be hope on the horizon for Steeven. Experts in Hungary speculate that clones in close proximity to their human “original” may experience positive side effects, including but not limited to rational thought, euphoria, mastery of language and a supercharged sex drive. Could this be the reason Spielberg has begun collaborating with his psychotic clone self? The pair recently announced plans to adapt the refugee story A Hope More Powerful Than the Sea for the screen.

“Every week the clone’s mental age gets younger by a year. He’s trapped in a nostalgia loop that I believe only Spielberg can cure,” added our source.

If true, Steeven may possess the mind of a 15-year Spielberg by the time cameras roll on Star Wars: Episode IX. We reached out to Disney, Abrams and Spielberg for comment but were immediately blocked and warned that we were in direct violation of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn’s terms of service.

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-William “Willybobo” Bobo