The Conservative party has reiterated previous manifesto pledges that it is vitally important to promise things.

‘Now more than ever,’ said Theresa May hiding behind a bust of Margaret Thatcher, ‘it is vitally important that we promise things. It is essential that we strive for the targets that we set ourselves. And those targets should be in the interest of all voters. Unlike my opponents in this election I am willing to pledge to you now that my government will promise you these things. Great things that all of you will find important and meaningful in your daily lives. These promises will address things like immigration, the NHS, the economy and, of course Brexit. Our promises are all the things that we will need to make our country great again.’

Mrs May went on to say that voters faced a clear choice: a long list of promises from her own Conservative Party, or a ‘coalition of chaos’ of promises from others. The Conservatives had promised 25% more things than at the last election and 40% more than Labour. She continued, ‘I can offer you more promises now than at any time in history and I guarantee that all of the things I promise we will try very hard to achieve. That is a promise.’

As Mrs May left the podium to the amassed cheering of her election team she ran back to the microphone and shouted, “STRONG AND STABLE LEADERSHIP!” before being physically restrained.

When asked for his response, Jeremy Corbyn said something.