ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Fixer will conceed defeat in his quest to fix everything tomorrow as he announces his resignation from politics, effective at the next election.

Christopher Pyne, one of parliament’s oddest characters, isn’t prepared to contest his South Australian seat again because he wants to spend more time with his family – and with his left-leaning friends.

Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this afternoon via landline telephone, the retiring Member for Sturt said he’s looking forward to the next chapter.

“I just could go on kicking my loafers off at the end of the day in the company of the God Squad,” laughed Pyne.

“You know who I’m talking about! Don’t make me bitch about them more than I have to!”

“Look, I just want more time to spend with my family. The kids only know me as a politician! No, I’m leaving at a good time. I couldn’t bare to be in Opposition again. Do you know how long it takes to wear your ass [sic] groove into one of those seats in the House? It takes ages!”

When asked who those lefite friends were, Pyne laughed at our reporter’s suggestion that they were fellow parliamentarians.

“No! You nincompoop! They’r real people, not politicians! It’s not like I’m going to be chasing undersized kingfish on Sydney Harbour with Malcolm by May! Nor will I pretend to entertain Albo anymore! I’m taking my new job as a private citizen very seriously! Now fuck off and never mention me in your inbred newspaper ever again!”

More to come, perhaps.