If you believe Instagram, “festival dressing” means that the flaxen-haired among us get to wear a light cotton top from White Stuff, bottom halves from Topman and a Native Indian headdress from OMG NO!

But sadly that’s a Nashville-filtered illusion. The reality goes down like this: when faced with the possibility of biblical weather conditions, you will end up dressing like a member of a religious cult. Specifically, dressing like a member who has just escaped and stolen a random assortment of clothes from the local branch of Blacks. Where else would you pair a bright red faux plexiglass visor, Windex blue rain mac and okra-coloured wellies topped off with the most vital of accessories: a lukewarm pint of pear-flavoured cider. It’s a look that says: “I’m nuclear bunker ready” not, “I may stay for Barry Gibb if I’ve not run out of wet wipes.”

You need to be ready for all microclimate possibilities. Basically, you have to plan your festival weekender as if you are in a disaster movie, roaming the aisles of the last working outlet of Gap, just after the first alien invasion has taken place and the president (Will Smith or Donald Sutherland, depending on budget) has suggested we’re on a “code red”. You shove every available garment into your shopping cart, then magically place this buffet of clothes in one Mary Poppins-like backpack – because “all weather” somehow means mixing nuclear-winter-ready rambling boots with the teeny tiniest T-shirt that looks as if it should be worn a) in very hot weather and b) by someone under the age of five.

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Is the answer layers, I hear you ask? The answer is yes, so long as they are the kind of layers you are happy to lose in a puddle after a nonsensical night of gurning at an imagined dancing partner while chewing a massive bit of not-really-there Juicy Fruit.

Today, trying to wrestle back some festival-going fun, I go for hopeful (but not in a Michael Fish kind of way): a pair of soft denim shorts, some Converse and a rain mac. I feel great in it, but am acutely aware that I am inside a studio and that it’s 26C outside. I am absolutely not fit for the wilds of Glastonbury; I may be OK at a city festival. Also, I don’t look like I’m off on a geography field trip, which is good, from a fashion perspective.

• Priya wears mac, £75, uk.rains.com. Stripe top, £50, by Obey, from urbanoutfitters.com. Shorts, £35, weekday.com. Hi-tops, £52.99, by Converse, from office.co.uk. Styling: Melanie Wilkinson. Grooming: Johanni Nel at S Management

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