You guys !You guys ! We can finally do it ! We can finally leavethis crappy town and live the lifewe've all dreamed of ! We can ?! What are youtalking about, dude ? Haven't you assholes beenwatching the news ?! Pirating is back, my friends. Swashbuckling adventureon the high seas. The stuff we'veall dreamed about ! And it's all happeningright here ! Somalia. Somalia ?Where's that ? North Africa. Just picture it, guys. Clear-blue waterwith skull islands. Waterfalls and jeweled treasureunderneath. Whoa ! I've worked itall out on Expedia. We can take Southwest Airlinesto Miami then Dubai Airhere to Cairo. Then it's just a 49-hourbus ride into Mogadishu, with all the booty and plundera pirate could want. Wow, you know, Cartman,that is an awesome idea. You should totallygo to Somalia. Right and-- Wait a minute. You never think my ideasare good, Kyle. No, I'm beingtotally serious. That is the best ideayou've ever had. You shouldrun away to Mogadishu. You should go thereright away ! I'll even help payfor your ticket ! Wow, cool ! Wait a minute--the fuck ? Why would you do that ? Unless, you're trying totrick me somehow... No, no, you're right. Somalia is an oasis oftreasure and waterfalls ! It's totally thepirate's life ! Then why don't youwanna go ? Well, 'cause, dude,I'm Jewish. And, you know... Jews can't be pirates.Jews can't be pirates. That's true. Well, I'm glad you'vefinally come to terms with your disability, Kyle. Gentlemen, I'm offto start planning. Please, please let him go. ( boy on PA ) Good morning, students.

Teacher-parent conferences have been rescheduled to next Tuesday. Please inform your parents. The gym is being repainted, and is closed until tomorrow afternoon. And now for a special announcement... ( Cartman ) Avast there, mateys ! Do you have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life ?! Are ye' sick and tired of your parents and teachers tellin' ye' what to do all the time ?! Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club ! Argh ! Just imagine it, me' Hearties ! A life without rules, without homework and chores ! You can live the pirates life in Somalia me' friends, even Kyle said so. Our first official pirate meetin' will be 4:00 p.m. today at Kevin Stoley's house ! At my house ?Why my house ? There will be refreshments served ! So make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevin ! So come one, come all ! The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or Ginger. Arghghgh ! ( boy ) And for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. Thank you.

"Congratulations on leaving yourmeaningless lives behind "to become pirates. "Your life of boredomis at an end "thanks toCaptain Cartman ! All hands on deck !" ( blowing whistle ) Atten-tion ! All right, ye' booty-lubbers ! So you've decided to joinCaptain Cartman, did ye-- Uh, guys, who let inthe G-I-N-G-E-R ? Well, there's reallynot that many of us. We figured we shouldlet him join. But, guys, G-I-N-G-E-R-S can't be pirates'cause they don't have souls. Please get itout of here. Fine, I don't wannabe a pirate anyways ! Okay, anyways. Now enough small talk, lads ! It's time for us tostart rapin' and plunderin' ! Yeah ! We set course tomorrow ! I purchasedeveryone's tickets on-line usin' me' mudder'scredit card ! And your mom isokay with that ? Dude, I'm a pirate ! What the devil do I care whatme' mudder thinks anymore ?! Neat-o ! All right, lads ! Go home and write your farewellletters to your families ! The land of pirates awaits ! Pirates ho ! Pirates ho !Pirates ho ! Ho ! Kevin, goddamn it.

Next, please ? We be headin' to Somalia,by way of Miami to Cairo. And take care ye' put us in anexit row, ye' landlubber. I see... You five boys are allbooked through to Cairo by yourselves ? That we be, lass. It's all paid fer' on memudder's credit card. Oh, jeez,I don't know if I can really gothrough with this.What ?! It's just leavingeverything behind-- I can't believe I'mactually doing it. Yeah, maybe we shouldthink about this. You guys-- the fuck ?! Are you forgetting howcrappy your lives are ?! All the homework ?The rules ? Butters, do you reallywanna just go back to school, where people just makefun of you ? Who, you mean you ?Yes ! Do you really wannago back to that ?! No, I'm sick of it ! Well, all rightthen, fag ! We can't turn back now ! The path to adventure liesjust beyond this ticket counter and if you four have reallycome all this way just to turn back now,then seriously, you guys-- the fuck ? He's right, lads !

This is Somalia ? Where's all the waterfallsand shipwreck lagoons ? The fuck ? Excuse me,where are the pirates ? Eh ? Hey, hey, we're lookingfor the pirates ? Where can we find the-- Butters,get the phrase book out. Ask these people wherethe pirates are. Uh... ( speaking in Somali ) ( speaking in Somali ) Oh, he's saysthey're in there. Ah, nice ! Come on, mateys ! Yes, baka baka alakajam-- thank you.

Avast ! These aren't pirates. They're just a bunchof black people. I am Captain Cartman and thishere be my terrible crew ! We be lookin' fera ship to pirate with ! Yes, very nice. Apparently theseare the pirates. Ah, excellent ! They're taking usto a ship ! Once we commandeer a vessel the plundering will beeasy indeed, lads ! This is yourpirate boat ? Dude... the fuck ? All right, seriously,you guys, what kind ofpirates are you ? I mean, really,the fuck, dude. The fuck ? All right, lads, guesswe'll have to settle with this meager ship. Two of you sit aft and twoof you sit in the front. I gotta sit middle'cause I get motion sickness. Kevin, Jesus Christ. Hard to starboard, lads ! There's sure to be lots ofbootys out here ! ( crying ) Clyde, the fuck ? You said there was gonna becrystal-clear lagoons and treasure and plunder ! Calm down, Clyde ! Everything'sgonna be okay ! No it's not, you made merun away and be a pirate and there's not evenany treasure ! Ike, will you dosomething about Clyde please ?! Very nice, Ike. All right, me' hearties ! Keep your eyes open forboats to plunder !

( alarm blaring ) Dude, dude ! You're doing itall wrong. Let me handle this. All right,ya' scallywags ! Surrender your plunder lest we start firing shotsacross yer' bow ! Yeah, that's goodbut now go, "arrrrgh !"

Yeah ? Okay, and you checkedwith Kenny and Token ? He's not just stayingat their houses ? No, dude,everyone's checked. I think Cartman reallyran away to Somalia. Yes ! I can't help but take somecredit for this. I helpedconvince him to go ! You really think he'lldie in Somalia ? Oh, for sure, dude. It's the most Godforsakenplace on the planet. Things are finallygonna be normal around here. Oh, God !Oh, God ! What did we do wrong,Gerald ?! Take it easy,we'll find him ! I'll call you back. Oh, Kyle, he's gone ! Your little brother'srun away from home ! What ?Are you sure ? He left a note sayinghe's never coming back ! "Dear Mommy and Daddy,I am running away. "I am sorry,but I can no longer handle "the monotony ofmiddle-class life. "Everyone at school isa fucking idiot "and if one moreperson talked to me about "that Susan Boyle performanceof 'Les Miserable' "I was going to puke myballs out through my mouth. "I love you all, but I haveto move on. "I'm going toSomalia to be a... to be a pirate ?!" Oh, shit ! Oh, Gerald,what are we gonna do ?! It's all right,he couldn't have gone far. Let's call the otherkids' houses. Oh, God,what have I done ?

The fuck are youpirates doing ?! Are we gonnaplunder them or not ?! All right, let's go! ! Quiet, ye' sons ofbiscuit-eaters ! This boat isnow pirate property ! Now get ye' to yer' lifeboat,lest ye' wanna be shark bait ! Plunder the booty,lads ! This ship is ours ! Okay ! I said get off my boat ! Ahggh !Ahghghghggh !Ahggh ! Ahggh !Ahghghghggh !Ahggh ! ( speaking French ) That's it ! Get in there,ya' swarmy dogs ! Lower 'em down, Ike ! Have a good day ! Hard to port, lads ! Hard to port ! What's port ? Just make the boatgo that way, kind of. ( horn honking ) That's good ! Now bring 'er aroundtopside ! Now that's a pirate ship.

What about yourselves ? Here ya are, lads ! Plenty of bootyto go around ! A round ofgrog for me boys. A round of grog foreveryone ! The fuck is this ? This is waterin a Dixie cup ! All right, goddamn it, really, you guys, what kind ofpirates are you ?! Look at yourselves ! You're a disgraceto Blackbeard ! I don't know whereyou people get off calling yourselves pirates-- little beat-up boatswater in Dixie cups-- I mean, I mean, look,look at this guy ?! Look at this guy,for Christ's sake ! I mean, how hardis this, people ?! I tell ya', lads,if we're gonna be the most fearedpeople on Earth then there needs to be somegoddamn changes around here ! ♪ We drinkand we pillage ♪ ♪ And we do what we please ♪ We get all that we wantfor free ♪ ♪ We'll kick your assthen rape your lass ♪ ♪ Somalian pirates we ♪ So with ayo ho ho -- ♪ Uh, goddamn it, people. ♪ With a yo ho ho ♪ Yo ho ho ♪ And with ayee hee hee ♪ ♪ Yee he he ♪ We take tothe African Sea ♪ ♪ We'll brave the squallsand bust your balls ♪ ♪ Somalian Pirates we ♪ Somalian Pirates we ♪ We left our homesand we left our mudders ♪ ♪ To go on a pillagin' spree ♪ We'll cut off your earsand break your toes ♪ ♪ And make youdrink our pee ♪ ♪ And if ye' sail intoour waters ♪ ♪ You best hear this decree ♪ We'll take your boatand set yer ass afloat ♪ ♪ Somalian Pirate we Nice !♪ With a yo ho ho ♪ Yo ho ho ♪ And atrick a lotty do ♪ ♪ Trick a lotty do ♪ We'll shoot you in the facewith glee... ♪ Okay, okay, let's stopthere for a minute. Remember on"Trick a lotty do" that's a lotty do. Okay, I really need you guysto enunciate the lotty. Uh, Nadif ? If I can you and Abdikarim to sing the harmonyon the second "yo ho." And, uh, Hashmish, is it ? I'm sorry,but you're a little flat. Remember to sing out, don'tclose your throat, okay ? So let's gofrom, uh, bar 14. We'll pick up afterthe quarter rest. Ike ? ♪ Somalian Pirates we Better !♪ With a yo ho ho ♪ Yo ho ho ♪ And a trick a lotty do ♪ ♪ Trick a lotty do ♪ ♪ We'll shoot youin the face with glee ♪ ♪ Then we'll cut off your cockand feed it to a crock ♪ ♪ Somalian Pirates we ♪ Somalian Pirates ♪ Weeeeeee ♪ Somalian Pirates ♪ Weeeeee

We found them adriftin a life boat, sir. They say that piratestook their ship by force. Damn pirates ! What's causing them to suddenlybe so much more active ? Is the crew okay ? Yes, sir, they're French so they surrenderedimmediately. Once the piratesboarded your ship, how did they forceyou off ? Elles avait light saber ! Oui, un light saber ! Le light saber terrible ! ( imitating saber buzz ) Ahh ! Sir, the piratesappear to have forced the French crew offtheir boat with a light saber. My God. The pirates are gettingbetter equipped every day. Gentlemen, I want the Presidentof the United States on the phone. We can no longer fightthe pirates on the seas. We have to take them outwhere they live. What did I tell you,Butters ? This is the good life, huh ? ( gunshots & chatter ) ( men speaking in Somali ) What's going on ? Ah, good, a hostagewill bring a fine ransom !

( announcer )This is CNN.... N. Breaking news of yet anotherpirate crisis in Somalia. Members of NATOreceived word today that pirates have capturedan American child and are demanding10 million euros for his safe release. US Navy shipshave been deployed and the pirate standoffis about to get ugly. Well, well, well,well, well, well, well, well, well,well, Kyle. You came all this way totry and join my pirate club. No, fat ass,I came to get my brother ! We all have to getout of here ! It isn't safe ! It isn't safe. That's not what you saidback in the cafeteria, Kyle. In the cafeteria you saidSomalia was awesome. I know,was lying then. Or are you lying now ? So many lies, Kyle, you can'teven keep them straight ! You just couldn't stand thatwe were living in paradise while you were back home. This isn't paradiseand you know it. The people here arestarving and dying. The whole worldhas used Somalia as a dumping ground fortoxic waste. Even the fishhere are radioactive ! ( screaming ) Cartman, just give memy brother and let us get out of here. Your brotheris with Butters, taking inventory our latestplunder, Kyle. You, just sit tight 'til we hear aboutyour ransom money. One box ofItalian Passports !

Three crew memberwatches-- Excuse me,can I ask you a question ? Oh, sure, Guleed. Why did youAmericans come here ? Wul, 'cause our livessucked back home. We had all theserules and homework. Yeah, homework ! And our parentshollered at us. Yeah ! So we wanted tocome here and be pirates ! Pirates ! But that's whatI do not understand. Why would anyone wantto be a pirate ? Huh ? Every day I dream thatI can go to school, learn about the world. But my mother,she's dying of AIDS and there is no moneyfor medicine. My father was killedtrying to find food for us. Do you know how I feel every time we try tocapture a boat ? Scared. And not just scaredbecause I might get killed but scared because if I don'tget something out of it my familyand friends are going to die. I don't want tobe a pirate. I don't seehow anybody would. Oh, my God. Jeez, guess we kinda gotput in our place, huh, Ike ? I feel like an asshole. Yeah, me too.