Conferences are a fantastic place to learn about your craft, network, meet colleagues, and sure, have some fun. Full disclosure: I make part of my living speaking at conferences, so I’m invested in you going to them. And if you stop going to them, people will stop having so many of them. And I’ll stop being invited (by which I mean paid) to speak at them. And that would suck. So I want you to keep going to them. Which means they need to be safe enough that you want to go to them.

Let’s go over why they are unsafe. Conferences are attended by people. And while most people are pretty ok, there’s enough shitty people that they screw things up for the rest of us. If that sounds suspiciously like society outside conferences, that’s because it is. Sadly, shitty people are everywhere. They also manage to attend, speak at, and even organize conferences.

Let’s get even sadder. The majority of the audience at these conferences are male (and white). Again, this reflects our industries. And this also sucks. And we end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy of mostly-white-male conferences reflecting a mostly-white-male industry. It’s like a very pale snake, eating it’s very pale stubby tail. And when men hang out in mostly male situations they get a little piggy, especially when they work at startups that are run like frat houses. And when a few women get introduced into these situations sometimes men forget how to behave around them. And if they’re really shitty men, they behave really shitty.

Some of the conference attendees might have come straight from a Twitter frat party!

More full disclosure: I am a man. And as much as I wish this article were being written by a woman, well… I’m not. So take what I’m saying with a grain of salt, because by gender, I am part of the problem.

I have never been harassed at a conference. I’ve never been assaulted at a conference. I have never been excluded from a conference. I’ve never looked around a conference and seen 500 people who didn’t look like me. I will not pretend to know how these things feel like.

I’ve also never behaved badly at a conference. When I started speaking at these things I came up with a set of rules for myself, which I’ve been pretty good at following:

only drink with people you know

don’t drink a lot

pretend everyone is a potential client

never set foot in another person’s hotel room

Now, I happen to be married. And I really like my wife. And I’d like her to keep being my wife, so I don’t fuck around. I realize lots of you are single adults, so knock yourselves out. But based on personal experience I know it’s possible to attend a conference and not behave like an asshole.

What if I get harassed?

Sadly, you may run into a shitty human being. Or a charismatic sociopath who doesn’t know the meaning of the word no. I don’t take this lightly because I know people this has happened to. And I know what assholes men can be.

It’s disgraceful that someone should be made to feel unsafe at an industry event where they went to learn, or speak. But if that happens, why not just contact the conference organizer, contact the police, contact the venue, and contact their employer. Just zero fucking tolerance. That seems pretty straight forward, right? Turns out it’s not. I asked a few friends who’ve been in shitty situations why they didn’t do just that. And after hearing their stories I walked away feeling like a privileged asshole, which I am. I heard stories of intimidation, career ruination, and even death threats.

I never told anyone about this shitbag because he had more “weblebrity” than me. he knew more people, he claimed to know my bosses.

One woman mentioned that the shithead who was harassing her was a speaker, and friends with the conference organizer:

It makes it really awkward to bring up to organizers “hey that dude you’re paying to be here too, he’s actually a piece of shit and you all just have such terrible judgment of character!”

That’s got to be an intimidating situation. Friends are pretty loyal to each other. And to be honest, if someone told me that a friend of mine was harassing them my first inclination would be to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I would be a terrible channel for addressing this issue. As would most people in this situation.

So it turns out that this “very straightforward” idea of just telling people in positions of authority doesn’t work at all. Especially when those people might be either complicit in the problem, or too close to it to see it. So obviously, asking those very same people to police themselves would be a terrible idea, correct?

Addendum: Thirty minutes after publishing this story, I heard from a speaker who reported a harasser to a conference she was scheduled to speak at. The harasser was a fellow speaker. The conference had a Code of Conduct and reassured her they took the matter very seriously. They outlined two options they were giving the harasser: either he could drop out, or he could limit his presence to the day he spoke, with the woman speaker only allowed to attend on the day she spoke. That’s right, they put the option in the harasser’s hands. The woman dropped out because she felt unsafe. Not to mention insulted. Further addendum: She has now written about the experience in her own words.

What’s your responsibility as a dude?

This is much more comfortable for me to write about for a couple of reasons. One: as I already stated, I am a guy. Two: we are, yet again, the fucking problem. So I get to yell at you.

First of all, don’t be a dick. Treat people with the same respect you’d like people to treat you. I’m guessing that most of you are genuinely nice guys who might get a little uncomfortable around women. (It’s cool I was too.) Just be nice to them. If they do not want your attention, walk away. And remember you’re at a professional event, don’t drink more than you can handle.

Secondly, going to a conference is a lot like riding the subway: if you see something, say something. If you see someone acting threatening or harassing, intervene. If you see a woman in trouble, help her. If you’re uncomfortable or unsure of the situation, tell a conference organizer, hotel staff, or woman you know. Someone who is in a bad situation with a man, may not want help from another random dude. It’s not about you.

Are you actually responsible for another person in need? Yes, you are. Because we look out for each other. If we want to talk about our industry as a community, we need to start acting like one.

For those of you who are genuine sociopaths, I’m not even going to pretend there’s anything I could say here that would affect your behavior, because there isn’t. You just need to be removed from the equation.

What is the organizer’s responsibility?

No one is more responsible for the event going well, and the health and safety than the conference organizers. Your responsibility goes far beyond selling tickets, getting speakers, serving food, and paying for drinks. And I don’t mean to minimize how hard it is to put on a conference. I know people who do it. They work hard. But you’re putting hundreds of people together in a room, in a strange city, and adding alcohol. That’s a recipe for shitty things to happen. And your name is hanging on the shingle.

Look, this is a social event. Sure, there’s the talks. And the networking. But ultimately you’re stuck with a bunch of people in a strange city who are excited to be rocking on their boss’ dime. And wanna let off a little steam. Some people know how to do this responsibly. Sadly, some do not. One option is to collect everyone’s $10 at the door, make sure there’s a trash can full of beer, plug in your iPod and let them do whatever. That’s called a frat party. Shitty things happen at frat parties.

Cut down on all the alcohol! Cut it down by 90%.

A better option is to actively promote positive interactions between people. Especially people who look nervous or people sitting off by themselves. How many of your attendees are at their first conference? You should know that. Work the crowd. Be visible. Have a team of people that works the crowd introducing people to one another while keeping their eyes open for situations they might be able to defuse. And make sure these people are trained in both spotting and defusing trouble. As well as how to handle situations when they do arise. Seeing those people milling about, as representatives of the conference, let’s people know they’re safer.

A team of people?!? Are you insane? Do you know what my margins are?

Yes, they’re low. And I understand that you’re trying to keep ticket prices low as well. But is safety really the place to skimp on cost? Get another sponsor. I’m sure there are companies who’d love to sponsor the “safety brigade”. (And since you’re going to mention it in the comments: No, I will not lower my speaking fee to pay for this.)

Look, we know that you know who the problem characters are. Some of them are speakers, and you should stop inviting them to speak. (That lawsuit is gonna kill your profit margin a lot faster than your safety brigade, btw.) Some of them are attendees. Stop letting them in. And, yes, I have a plan for this. Keep reading.