Time for a little bit of “real talk” from me, thinking back on 2017.

2017 was the first year I went full Esports. So this was a very crucial year for me. Looking back on it, it really made me learn a lot about myself. And also really made me question a lot about myself. I’ve learned so much more about who I am than the previous decade of repetition. It’s been a very telling year for me. And there have definitely been a lot of positives and negatives.



Obviously one of the bigger down-sides is the financial concern. But that was known going in: choosing the Esports life over continuing being a software developer meant earning a MUCH smaller fraction than when I could be making. The good news is I’m still here, so I’ve made it work to a small degree thanks to having some savings to dip into to back me up. 2018 will prove to be far more challenging, but I’m up for it. I’m giving it another year to see if I can make it work.



The upsides, however, have been more valuable to me than the finances could have given me. To be able to dedicate most of my life to a passion I truly believe in, as crazy as it might be, has been great. Is it crazy to put my whole life towards this scene? The FGC? Is it crazy to invest so much into such an unsure thing? Almost anyone would say yes. But it’s my crazy, and it’s what I feel most fulfilled doing. That’s why I have to give it one more year to try my best to show everyone why the FGC is so awesome.



That isn’t to say it’s been all good, though. There are definitely problems with leading this life, with going full Esports. The first is simply that it opens you up. It gives people an area to try and hurt you. People think you have more ulterior motives than you actually do. Doing this as a career opens you up to more “shill” accusations and the like than anything else. I’ve been accused of being a shill almost every week, and if it’s obvious that it bothers me a lot, that’s because it hurts. It hurts a lot because I have so much love and passion for the FGC and that people call into question my motives makes me realize I’m not doing a good enough of a job representing my true feelings, how much I just want the FGC to thrive and succeed.



But the worst part is: you start to doubt yourself. What if they’re right? What if the financial issues have actually clouded my judgement? It makes a person like me, one who just naturally doubts himself so often, to have new reasons to doubt myself. Some of my darkest days this year have been me questioning myself, wondering if I can even trust my own instincts anymore.



But if there’s anything I do wish we can excise from 2018, it’s that word: “shill.” You discredit so many people by accusing everyone who likes something that you don’t as doing it for purely financial reasons. People have different opinions, sorry. You don’t get to validate your opinion that something sucks by fooling yourself that the only way someone else can like it is if they are getting paid to like it. Frankly, I’d be more shocked if anyone even had enough money to pay anyone to be a shill in the FGC. So let’s just drop it. The whole idea of being a shill just needs to stop.



The second issue that’s been tough for me personally is something I don’t think people who don’t stream have realized is an issue: this Esports life is a lonely lifestyle. Despite taking to a hundred people whenever you stream, or even thousands of people at a major, it’s a really isolating experience in a weird way. You’re either at home by yourself a lot just streaming and editing or traveling a lot to events to spend a lot of alone time in hotels and such.



2017 has been an extremely lonely year for me. Even with a regular job where you don’t have friends, you end up at least interacting with other people face to face all the time. It fills an in-person conversation quota that most people just have. With streams you get to talk to chat a lot, and I love the guys in my chat a lot. So many regulars in there and I super appreciate their support. Shoutouts to you guys. But there’s still a disconnect that comes from me talking mostly to a camera instead of a live audience or someone face to face. I hope that doesn’t sound like I don’t appreciate my viewers, because I do. I really do.



Even being at an event where there are a ton of people, you find you don’t have time to hang out with everyone you want to hang out with, so you just keep thinking about the people you AREN’T hanging out with instead of enjoying the time spent with the ones you are hanging with. So in the end, the introvert logic kicks in and it feels easier to talk to no one so you don’t feel like you’re accidentally leaving anyone out. So I just go back to my hotel room.



But shout outs to those who have gotten me out of my house. It’s not easy to get me to do. I’m such a natural introvert that it’s almost impossible for me to feel enough energy to leave my home at times. And I’ll be honest: 90% of the time it’s for karaoke. Hahah. There’s no activity on the planet that reverses my intense lack of self-confidence like karaoke. It’s the real only time I feel truly happy about myself. It’s weird. I don’t know why. I’m not even like some karaoke god or anything, I just feel like I can let go of my stress and insecurities the most when I do it. It makes me happy.



So yeah, it’s been really lonely this year. I think it’s why I’m so obsessed with my cats. They’re the ones I see every day. ^_^ But it’s something I can hopefully figure a solution for in 2018.



In any case, I’m very excited for 2018. There’s a lot of potential for great things this year. And there are SO MANY talented people in the FGC that can make it happen. I can’t tell you the level of talent I’ve seen in our community. The dedication and drive from many of these people inspire me. And I strive to use their energy to only bolster mine own.



Sorry for this random stream of consciousness writing. I’m not sure why I wrote it, to be honest. Just really felt like I needed to express some of these things. I know social media is a treasure trove of people making everything sound greater than it really is, so I felt like it was important to show people the kinks in my armor, to show people that I’m still trying to figure out my life in 2018. Life is rough, but I think that’s okay. And we’d all probably be more sympathetic with each other if we all knew that everyone else is suffering their own things.



So here’s to a stronger 2018. Happy New Years, everyone.

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