RIVERSIDE, CA—Internationally renowned entomologist Professor Stanley Weber, noted for his work on the pheromone-release cycles of invasive insect species in North American flora, called upon his colleagues to get it off, get it off, for Christ's sake during an academic conference Saturday. "Ahhhhh!" said Weber, citing an urgent need to please get a net or a plastic cup or something to remove it, and pointing toward evidence that it's about to go down his damn shirt and those creepy legs feel like little needles on his skin, Jesus fuck. "Hurry up! It's in my hair!" A three-hour interruption of the conference followed, with scheduled events continuing only after an ad hoc panel of entomology experts concluded it was probably just a housefly.

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