PORTLAND, ME—After observing one cop barking orders, a second marking off the area with police tape, and a third drawing a chalk outline around a body, sources confirmed Wednesday that a crime scene in a downtown neighborhood appeared to have all the different types of cops. “There’s the ones with ties, the ones in uniform, the ones with plastic gloves who collect evidence—man, they’ve got at least one of every kind of cop you can think of,” said onlooker Ben Roberts, who noted that the precinct appeared to have pulled out all the stops, sending over cops in trench coats, traffic cops to keep things moving, rookie cops who weren’t used to all this violence, grizzled alcoholic cops who had seen too much, and even some casually dressed plainclothes cops who looked like regular people but were really cops. “Detectives, forensics, a transit cop who just poked his head up out of the subway—I think I even saw a cop on a horse. Oh, look! That one cop just flashed his badge, told all the other cops this was his crime scene now, and brought in a whole new set of cops! He must be a big, big cop!” At press time, witnesses confirmed the big cop had instructed riot cops to disperse the angry crowd that had gathered so the cops who plant drugs on the bodies of cop-shooting victims could get to work.

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