SACRAMENTO, CA—Admitting that her lack of a Facebook account often leaves her feeling disconnected, local woman Laura Starling confirmed Wednesday that she’s entirely out of touch with her friends’ prejudices. “I never got around to joining Facebook, so I’m basically in the dark about what kind of narrow-minded opinions my old classmates and former coworkers have these days,” said Starling, who added that, because she never logs into the popular social media site, it has grown increasingly difficult in recent years to keep up with her longtime acquaintances’ heated knee-jerk responses to events in the world that reveal their intolerant viewpoints and irrational biases. “It’d be nice to know which of my friends hold grudges against which minority groups, and who condescendingly writes off every police officer or gun owner in the country. Maybe I should sign up just so I’m not left out whenever someone has a big announcement about which race, religion, or political party is destroying the country.” At press time, Starling had reportedly decided to skip joining Facebook and just catch up with her old college roommate’s prejudices over the phone.

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