The U.S. Military has taken a page out of the XBOX “how to” marketing guide and approved the first new combat medal, which will be given to drone pilots, sitting at computers for “excellence in dropping bombs on people while eating Cheetos,” or something akin to that. The Distinguished Warfare Medal is the first new combat medal since the Bronze Star in 1944. The medal will not only be given to individuals excelling in bombing terrorists and U.S. Citizens living abroad who will be killed without a trial, but also gifted to those fighting in the cyber arena. Considering the new edict to enact offensive cyber attacks against nations that we think might be thinking about cyber attacking us in an indefinite amount of time, they are probably printing these medals up faster than the FED prints fiat dollars for bailouts. And hey, maybe sometime during a real war that’s actually declared by Congress (if that ever happens again) one of these medals will be deserved.

Now, I’m not saying that these people working for the armed forces don’t deserve recognition – they do. Not as much perhaps as those who actually risk life and limb for our country – this medal is the anti-Purple Heart…probably should be called the “Purple Buttock Medal,” since the recipients are only in danger of getting hemorrhoids or carpal tunnel …but they are still helping the cause. It’s just that right now that cause is typically an illegal act, unsanctioned by Congress that may or may not be against one of our own citizens, and may even be in our own country. Frankly, I’m shocked they even announced this medal, as it seems like it would be more fitting to exist as one of the medals that Delta Force gets, which is immediately taken away due to the mission never actually existing.

Anyway, I think when our drone pilots hit level 40 they get a ton of new paint colors for their drones and can replay some of their earlier bombing missions while wearing the cloak of Executive Orders, which gives the wearer immunity from Congress.

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