In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:

Every single iPhone will come with a unique backstory

New razor-thin Apple Stores

Programming Siri’s voice to age along with iPhone

Genius Bar employees required to know, execute basic parkour moves

Adding the word “innovative” to end of all product names

CEO Tim Cook to adopt more youthful name A.J. Cook

Creating a new market by taking the reflector thing that doctors used to wear on their foreheads and adding technology to it somehow

Expanding the “Sent from my iPhone” email signature to a full-length sonnet

New “I’m a Mac” commercials with hip indie celeb John Hodgman as the Mac

All future technology to be released in cream-based form users apply to their face and enjoy

Marking up prices of all products by $70