The Torture of Being Single During the Holidays

And how it will save my business from failure

It’s official: fall started four days ago.

Time to bust out the pumpkin spice everything and go on my eat-nothing diet to prep for gay Christmas (this year I’m just saving myself the trouble and going as an underwear model for Halloween).

But a dark turn of mood awaits me at the end of October: cuffing season is in our midst. As the temperature falls, so do my standards as I go on the hunt for a warm body to curl up with.

Since I haven’t learned from my past mistakes, I have sealed my fate for yet another holiday season as a single person. History will repeat itself. Meltdowns will ensue. And this year, I‘m sadly cat-less.

I’M SO ALONE.

Is cuffing season a real thing?

Last year, I heard about cuffing season for the first time when a fellow writer (and slang-aware teenager) asked me about my opinion of it for a dating and relationship Q&A video on my YouTube channel.

I honestly had no idea what it meant, so like any writer hell-bent on quality research, I Googled it and landed on Urban Dictionary.

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be ‘Cuffed’ or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

My dating history

Don’t get me wrong: it sounds ridiculous. But it’s also kind of accurate.

Last year, I was happily single, right up until Halloween night. Being single was great! I got to walk around in my underwear, covered in fake blood and body glitter. What’s not to like?

But the high quickly degraded and I was thankful when a guy asked me to be his boyfriend just a couple weeks later and pulled me through the new year.

In 2014, I spent the holidays entirely alone for the first time in my life. I threw myself into work so intensely that I’d received a promotion and an $8,000 raise by January. The winter winds eventually blew in a boyfriend post-Valentine’s Day, but we were long-distance and separated just a few weeks later.

In 2013, my marriage was rapidly degrading and my husband had moved a few hours away. In a move that doomed me to a lifetime of repressive tendencies, I coped by working 60-hour weeks until March.

Do you see a pattern yet?

My current mental state

Somehow, year after year, I convince myself that I’m totally okay without a man. I’m proudly independent and self-sufficient. I like that I don’t have to worry about other peoples’ opinions, thoughts, and needs. I just do my own thing, like Tori Kelly tells me to.

But for whatever reason, this year, I’m feeling more Hollow than usual.

That being said, I still see the holidays unfolding in the same way as they always do.

October 1–30

I have t-shirts to design. I have articles to write. I have videos to film. I have a business to save.

And on top of that, I have to starve myself slightly thinner, lift weights 8 days a week, and learn how to contour my abs.

Netflix and chill? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

October 31

Okay, maybe I have a little time for that.

November 1–30

The cold never bothered me anyway.

I wonder if I’m going to be able to afford Christmas presents for anybody this year.

Advertising revenue increases like crazy and people are actively looking for something to throw their money at, so it’s the perfect time to post videos, articles, gift guides, and social media updates as quickly as your fingers allow.

It’s also the home stretch for reaching my end-of-year goals because December is just around the corner. We all know what December means.

December 1–25

OKAY THE COLD IS BOTHERING ME NOW PLEASE GOD SOMEBODY COME HELP ME WARM UP MY FEET DEAR NO ONE THIS IS YOUR LOVE SONG WHERE ARE YOU HELP ME

December 26 — January 31

I don’t know why I was freaking out so much. 2017 is going to be the best year ever, damnit. I’m determined. I can do this. I got this. Like they should basically write some empowering comedy film about me and how determined I am. I’m like Elle Woods mixed with a bull.

Pretty soon, the Sun comes back out, and with it the sunshine and the enjoyment of being single. Nightclubs are packed, college students are free to roam the world as eye candy, it’s the perfect time to take a last-minute spontaneous road trip to god knows where, and all your friends are hosting backyard barbecues (free food and good company!).

Plus, as we all know, it is way too damn hot to cuddle in the middle of the summer months.

I’m going to survive this holiday season as a single person — and I’ll thrive while I’m at it, because it’s the time to make great strides with my business. There’s just something about being trapped inside (and trying to keep the demons trapped deep inside myself) that fuels my ability to work tirelessly toward pursuing my goals.

And if you ask me, that’s not so bad.

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