Argyle’s Ruthelessly Draconian Event Protocols. (Or, Magic the Gathering Grand Prix Courtesy Tips.)

One of the first things I learned at my very first GP as an artist, was that anything cool, fun, or special that I did for a player echoed back through the line, then rending into time and the future itself. A chain reaction of hydra heads growing and multiplying until I was overwhelmed and consumed.

The next thing I learned, is that even the quickest and easiest things become overwhelming when multiplied thousands of times per day.

And the third thing I learned, which was actually quite difficult for me to accept, is that charging for anything but signatures is as absolutely necessary as running is if you’re hanging out with The Doctor. Stuff like sketches and alterations add significant value, and if I’m not charging, wormy opportunists come squirming out of the woodwork, with their shrill mutter of “freeeeeeee?” The line packs with people who are looking to make a quick buck flipping the stuff at the vendors or on eBay. And the folks who are actually there to have a good time, and get a souvenir of a great weekend, get screwed.

So I’ve developed a bit of a quasi-efficient engine of player oppression and disappointment. I mean, ah, rules.

These are basic things that may not occur to the bright-eyed and smiling folks on the other side of my table. Totally innocent, understandable things that are not a big deal. But again, multiply something simple, like the five seconds it takes to de-perfect-sleeve a card, and with the amount that come through my line, that adds up to a couple of hours of time wasted over the day. That’s time everyone stands in line. That’s a hundred-ish people who don’t make it through the line at all.

So, while the following may seem silly minutia, and most people figure it out on their own anyway, here are my Ten Commandments. Read, and be enlightened.

1 Thou shalt bring no more than twelve cards to the Alter of Steve at one visit. Beware the thirteenth card. Ye may visit the alter as many times as ye have the patience to endureth the Line of the Adversaries.

2 Thou shalt be fastidious in thy preparation. Thy cards shall be cast out of thy binder, thy decks, and naked of sleeve.

3 Thou shalt not interrogate upon the works of Steve. Ask ye not “Did you do this card? What about this one? List off all the cards you’ve done, by set and rarity. Can you look through my binder, deck, and longbox and just pull out and sign whatever is yours?”

4 Thou shalt have no other artist’s cards before me. I shall sign my hand to my works, but naught will I claim another’s labors. Nor will I deface their works with graven alterations.

5 If thou have an unusual request, ask, but expect not I must fulfill it.

6 Signatures are a gift of Steve. Thou shalt expect all else to command tithe from thy moneypurse.

7 Thou shalt leave nothing behind, intentionally or otherwise. "I’ve got a round, sign these and I’ll pick them up after my game" falls upon Steve’s ears as “have some free Liliana’s and Deathrites.”

8 There shalt never be an eighth commandment.

9 Thou shalt have fun and enjoy. That is why we do this. That is what I am here for. Let not all the above frighten you hence.

10 Tips welcome.

Looking forward to seeing you all at Las Vegas GP 2013!

Steve “He That Is Called I Am An Artist. (By Loosest Definitions.)” Argyle