If you’re a dude reading this, and you consider yourself a feminist, then I just have a few questions for you:

Are you more likely to stop supporting the porn industry because it brutally exploits and abuses women — or because you’ve watched too much porn and now your dick won’t work properly? :(

If every woman feminist in the world woke up one day, and decided that men are not allowed to call themselves feminists, would you respect that boundary with the understanding that you’re not entitled to everything you want — or would you fight for your right to claim a word intended for women, and women alone?

Did you start calling yourself a feminist because you have a genuine desire to surrender the ways you benefit from patriarchy — or because you thought women would find you more attractive if you appropriated their label?

And did you give a flaming crap about women’s issues (abortion, the wage gap, street harassment, sexual objectification in the media) before you became aware of feminism — or did you wait until you heard that men get hurt by patriarchy too, to start caring about how women get hurt by it?

If it isn’t grossly apparent by now, my dear Male Feminists — I’m suspicious of you. (Yeah, I know, But Not Me!, Not All Men!, ugh, whatever, shut up.)

I’m suspicious of you, because, I noticed a thing happening:

During discussions of racism, I didn’t hear any white allies going, “I care about this issue because white people get hurt by White Supremacy too!”

And during discussions of poverty, I didn’t hear any rich activists like, “I care about this issue because rich people get hurt by class warfare too!”

So why — dear gods, why? — do I keep hearing from male feminists, “I care about this issue because men get hurt by Male Supremacy too!”

Now, listen. I’m not here to tell you that that isn’t true. Whether men are equally victimized by Patriarchy is besides the point. What I am here to tell you, is that if your version of “feminism” puts male needs first, then loveling, that’s not feminism.

Every time I hear “Men get hurt too! Don’t forget the men!” it sounds way too much like, “Women want us to stop exploiting our privileges so that they can live in peace and free from fear. Okay, cool, cool. But what’s in it for me?”

Being a true ally to feminists, being pro-feminist, means understanding a few things:

It’s patriarchal to validate female pain only when there is tangential male pain

It’s patriarchal to acknowledge women and their needs only in relation to you and your needs

It’s patriarchal to insert reminders of your malehood into every conversation specific to femalehood

Friendly reminder: if you’re a man living in a Patriarchy, meaning you benefit from Patriarchy at almost every turn of society, then calling yourself a feminist does not exempt you from perpetuating male supremacy. Yes, you heard me right: even the act of calling yourself a feminist can be patriarchal.

And the only way to know whether your “feminism” is patriarchal or not, is to do that uncomfortable thing called introspection. Ask yourself, “When I call myself a feminist, who primarily benefits? Women? Or me?”