VII. What next?

Sarah Gallant’s life spiralled into a living hell after Big Bite Pizza.

She became heavily dependent on cocaine and morphine, and found herself in a series of abusive relationships.

An already tangled life turned disastrous when she began injecting drugs. Then came the overdoses — nine or 10 in a short period of time.

She would awake from a comatose state not knowing who she was or how to speak, surrounded by blurry faces while kicking, scratching and clawing at anyone who tried to help her.

“I guess with everything that had happened to me in the past, the first thing I would think about was that I was being raped.”

Gallant would spend much of the time between overdoses at the Recovery Centre, a seven-day detox facility in St. John’s.

Her life hung in the balance for a year as she waited for her turn — either to die, or get into rehab.

“I was calling [the rehab centre], telling them I was going to die before I could get in there,” she said. “It was the most difficult thing I think I have ever had to do in my life. I wanted to get clean so bad but I had no idea how.”

Somewhere in the fray, she had a child — a little boy — who was taken away from her until she could get a grip on her drug addiction.

Gallant says she did not receive any professional help after Shablak was arrested.

“There was no counselling. No programs offered. We were just left in whatever situation we were in in the beginning,” she said.

“It makes you feel like nobody cares about you and you’re not worth anything. For a long time I felt like I was worthless.”

Sarah Gallant overcame addictions and years of trauma to enrol in university. She will soon finish her degree. (Sherry Vivian/CBC) Post image on Pinterest: Sarah Gallant overcame addictions and years of trauma to enrol in university. She will soon finish her degree. (Sherry Vivian/CBC)

Sarah Gallant overcame addictions and years of trauma to enrol in university. She will soon finish her degree. (Sherry Vivian/CBC)

After finally getting a stint in rehab and leaning on support groups like Narcotics Anonymous, Gallant got clean four years ago. She built a strong relationship with her father, who became a source of stability and encouragement in her life.

She was accepted to Memorial University, where she started studying towards a psychology degree.

Just three months into her sobriety, however, she wound up relapsing on a 14-hour binge and consuming a half-ounce of cocaine.

She suffered a heart attack and ended up in the hospital.

“I couldn’t believe I had relapsed,” she said. “I was so close to death. I’m surprised I made it. When I got clean, I knew that if I relapsed, I was going to die.”

Today, she plays the role of supermom, loving partner and dean’s list student. She is one semester shy of her degree, with plans to work towards a master’s degree and a PhD, so she can become the help she never received when she was so desperate for someone to save her.

She lives her life looking forward as much as possible and pushing away all regrets.

“I wouldn’t change what happened to me, because it made me who I am today,” she said. “If I can help one other person, then everything I went through would be worth it.”

Phoebe Walker came back to St. John's after rehab, but nothing came easy for her in the city. (Gary Quigley/CBC) Post image on Pinterest: Phoebe Walker came back to St. John's after rehab, but nothing came easy for her in the city. (Gary Quigley/CBC)

Phoebe Walker came back to St. John's after rehab, but nothing came easy for her in the city. (Gary Quigley/CBC)

Phoebe Walker became a mom, too, shortly after coming home from rehab in 2008.

Even though she was clean, life was still an uphill battle.

In a city of 110,000 people, she struggled to escape finger-pointing and whispers every time she went out in public.

She remembers a sunny day in Bowring Park with her daughter, when a former john approached her and asked for sex.

“I’m there with my child, trying to move forward, trying to be a normal person,” she said. “But the lifestyle still haunts you.”

'You get tired of the nightmares and the flashbacks and you want it all to stop'

At a hockey game, she passed by a group of people when she heard one man say, “Look, there’s that child whore.”

Thinking back on those experiences, she shakes with rage.

“As a child, you can’t consent to anything I went through. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t ask for any of this. I wanted to become a vet and save the animals. Since then, I haven’t even finished high school.”

Phoebe Walker now lives in a small home without electricity, in Newfoundland's Conception Bay. (Sherry Vivian/CBC) Post image on Pinterest: Phoebe Walker now lives in a small home without electricity, in Newfoundland's Conception Bay. (Sherry Vivian/CBC)

Phoebe Walker now lives in a small home without electricity, in Newfoundland's Conception Bay. (Sherry Vivian/CBC)

She escaped the stares of strangers by moving to a community of about 500 people disconnected from the characters of her past.

Walker struggles to hold a job now. She is rocked by post-traumatic stress disorder and crippling anxiety. She has a hard time leaving her house. She tends to a small flock of chickens and her two dogs, and sees her daughter when she can.

She dreams of someday owning a farm and having other victims of childhood trauma come to relax and find peace — like she did at Ranch Ehrlo.

When the winter comes, she moves her bed into the living room and sleeps next to the woodstove.

But she never complains about the weather. It’s the cold and dark inside her that bothers her most — a feeling she’s tried to eradicate with several suicide attempts.

“You get tired of the nightmares and the flashbacks and you want it all to stop,” she said.

“A lot of times I used to just cut, just to feel the pain and see my own blood and know I was an actual person and not this ice cold skeleton I feel like.”