GENEVA- With today’s addition of bacon, ham and sausage the list of things that cause cancer now numbers every known thing, as well as many non-things, such as hope, the smile of a child, and the first dew of spring.

Researchers at The World Health Organisation have been working tirelessly to complete the list of cancer causing activities, with most of their energies expended on transcribing things from the dictionary into their ‘big list’ as well as shouting out ideas and concepts. A spokesman, Adam Johnson, confirmed their methodology:

“We started by just adding things that we didn’t like, which is why cigarettes went on first, because they make lab coats smell really bad. Then we added alcohol because I made an arse out of myself at the Christmas party after Jane from accounts gave me a Jägerbomb. Then it just spiralled from there.”

Inevitably, as the list of things that cause cancer has taken in every noun, there has been public outcry, with many people confused over the findings and unsure of how they are meant to live, particularly as most of the recently banned items are either delicious, cool, or both.

Tamara Bishton, a nutritionist who has followed the WHO’s prohibitions keenly told us, “I am obviously hyper-conscious of what should and shouldn’t be part of a healthy diet, but I can’t understand this recent revelation. I think the WHO has a chip on its shoulder. First it’s revolving desk chairs that cause cancer, now pork? I don’t buy it.”

She continued:

“The statement also flies in the face of last week’s release which described bacon as a ‘superfood’ and recommended a pork-only diet as a way to live to 100.”

That 200-page manifesto, ‘Say Yes to Pork’, claimed that a diet high in processed meat would beat both Mediterranean and Paleo diets in terms of long-term health and fitness.

The public bafflement at this contradiction is similar to that caused by last year’s WHO research which claimed that smiling at puppies was the number one cause of Seasonal Affective Disorder in men aged 18 – 35. Both cases have only fuelled the argument that scientists at the organisation have a problem with the entire population of the world.

When we asked Adam Johnson if there was any truth in this theory, he told us that if the world had wanted pork products not to cause cancer, Becky Stevenson should have gone to the school dance with him.