Listen, Brian, what I have to say isn’t easy, so I’m going to do it quickly. It’ll be like ripping off a Band-Aid, and I’m not just saying that because we work for Band-Aid and I like to mention the product whenever possible. Here goes:

You’re fired.

However, we’d like Riley, your beautiful golden retriever you’ve been bringing to the office, to continue on with us. She’s really boosted workplace morale and lifted spirits around here with all of the recent firings. Hell, we just had another firing–you, Brian–and keeping Riley around will really help us forget about that. I’ve already consulted with Riley about staying and she licked my hand in agreement.

I know getting fired hurts, Brian. A hurt that not even a well priced Band-Aid sold in all drug stores can help. Probably hurts even more since you were just a week away from getting benefits, and last week I kept looking you in the eye and saying “I will never fire you, Brian,” and today’s your birthday. It really sucks. However, realize that the business world is always in a constant state of change and that today’s also my birthday, so we’re even there.

Brian, I know what will make you feel better. Riley, come in here! Good girl!

Brian, pet Band-Aid’s newest employee. I consider her Executive-of-Office-Happiness, but for practical and tax purposes I had to give her your former job, your former office, and, in a week, your would-have-been benefits.

Brian, you wouldn’t be crying if you were petting Riley. Nobody can cry while petting a dog. It’s like the opposite of cutting an onion. Speaking of cutting onions, think of how much free time you’ll have to cut onions now that you’re unemployed! I’m so jealous.

See how easy it is to look on the bright side, Brian? Every cloud has a silver lining. Or in this case, a golden lining. A golden retriever lining! Haha. Brian, do you get it?

Brian, please don’t use my tissues for your tears. Those are for employees. Employees like your dog, your dog whom we like more than you.