The Premise

Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules

80 year old man in Skyrim.

Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.

No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.

No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.

Read part eleven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/11/05/old-manin-skyrim-11/

I take the lightweight sphere in my backpack and head over to the large structures in the distance. It’s too big to be a fort, it looks like a town! As I make my way to what I assume are the front gates, I notice a higher than usual level of guardage about, there’s chaps in uniforms all over the place, they’re quite scary, so scary in fact even the chickens are hiding from them.

Maybe this isn’t the place an old bard should be investigating, but night’s drawing in and my penis is getting mighty chilly. So I press on and approach the door guards. He’s very charming and opens the gates for me, which just goes to show, never judge a book by its cover, it might be erotic inside.

This town is very pretty, far prettier than I expected, there’s quaint little houses everywhere and trees lining the streets, oh it’s lovely! Even a market square with added drunk tramp, if he dies I know where I can come and apply for a job!

There are some very pretty women in this town, very pretty!

The hobo begs me to go steel some booze for him, he clearly knows a kindred drunkard when he sees one, but if I ever did steal booze, it would be for me and not someone else, I of course walk away from him while he’s in mid slurred sentence.

I take a break from gawping at ladies to sit down and listen to a raving lunatic, he’s quite entertaining but I’m still cold so I try entering a few of the public buildings.

I go in what looks like some kind of rudimentary hospital, or building where you go to writhe around in agony on benches while women gossip about if their husband is homosexual or not. I have a look around and see a strange object, it might house a genie so I rub it hoping for three wishes. Not a lot happens though it did slightly look like a lady’s naughty bits, if I squint, so I leave the building feeling a little randy.

Having been turned on by magic vagina stones I start chatting to the local ladies, a woman called Ysolda in particular, she is training to be a merchant, maybe I could be a merchant, maybe we could be merchants together? Preferable nude! It’s better than being a nude bard, Ysolda asks me if I could find her a mammoth tusk, I lose my erection and nearly walk away from her, but there’s something about her blank expressionless face I quite like and tell her that I might find one somehow.

I venture into another shop and sell some of the junk/plants I’ve acquired on my walk, I make a whopping 204 gold, so if nothing else that’s sorted tonight’s inn sleep and booze!

Walking into the inn I of course come face to face with this singing anus! I have a chat with him, if only to stop him singing, he boasts about his skill with ‘the ladies’ and apparently got kicked out of the bards college because he slept with the head mistress or her husband, he wasn’t very clear.

Then I begin the evenings drinking session in gusto, once the alcohol has got the better of me I spend a wondrous twenty minutes talking to and standing far too close to this woman, I think I’m talking, I’m certainly gawping down her cleavage.

I then go up to my room, and oh boy, what luxury! After several days of sleeping in the wilds in a tent this room is a palace! I flop onto the bed and the tedious wailing and moaning of the bard puts me to sleep, either that or the 8 bottles of ale I’ve drunk.

Day 18

Morning has broken! I get up and head out onto my private balcony that is only for me and maybe a guest I might have in my room only to find a bloke sat there, cool as a cucumber, I try asking him what the bloody hell he is playing at but he just runs away while I’m in mid-sentence. That’s very rude! Very rude!

I enjoy my breakfast of a sweetroll and cheese and raw clam meat, I think I’m still drunk, why did I eat raw clam meat?! I hope I can keep it down.

I venture downstairs and ask the barmaid if she has any easy work for a man of my years, she asks me to murder someone, I turn and walk away, yes it is rude, but she’s asking me to murder, that’s the height of rudeness!

Heading outside, it’s raining heavily again, I make sure Meeko is with me and we press on with our journey to Riften. However, the rain is so heavy and cold that I have to try and find shelter within minutes of starting out. The first building I see is large wooden and oh god, it’s a brewery!!

Next time – Can I organize a piss up in a brewery?