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The leaked Brexit No Deal plan codenamed Operation Yellowhammer is based on outdated fears that are no longer relevant, and is an act of sabotage by a traitor to Tory values.

That's if you believe Michael Gove, who once said he'd never want to run the risks of No Deal, and Boris Johnson, who once said No Deal was impossible because we were going to get a Great Deal.

And it's true, Yellowhammer was written at least a year ago, based on a worst-case scenario from the facts known at the time. Trouble is, those facts have since got much worse.

Yellowhammer assumed that medicines, vital machine parts and chemicals to purify drinking water could be brought in using a fleet of ferries. Since then, we've paid a ferry company that had no ferries £50m to not use their non-existent ferries.

It assumed there would be 3,500 members of the armed forces available in the unlikely case of civil unrest. Since then, the IRA has shot a journalist in the head, there have been Far Right marches on Downing Street, the quite-unpopular PM has changed to being a very unpopular one who isn't allowed out in public, and all sides are engaged in a constitutional tug of war over the Queen who, at 93, is not particularly stretchy.

Yellowhammer also assumed government ministers would work for 22 hours a day to improve things. Since the EU extended the Brexit deadline and Donald Tusk warned us not to waste the extra time, our leaders have indulged themselves with a 2 month leadership contest and a six-week holiday.

Somewhere, the authors of Yellowhammer are laughing hollowly into their methylated spirits.

(Image: AFP/Getty Images)

Yellowhammer was a complete waste of time, because it assumed the PM was a vicar's daughter with a genuine fear of going to hell. We now have a PM who appears to be the lovechild of the Da Vinci Code albino and Krusty the Clown, with a fascination for how much of a country he can fit into a mincer.

And if you think all this is a Remoaner's lack of positivity about the opportunities ahead, I give you this evidence to the contrary: all the things that are happening are things that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove once promised us were so bad they would never, under any circumstances, let them happen.

These two are now at the stage of saying that their critics are undermining their negotiations with the EU, while conducting absolutely NO negotiations with the EU.

Or to put it another way, it's like Jeffrey Epstein promising a teenager he just wanted a back rub, and if anything bad were to happen he'd be the FIRST to call the police.

(Image: REUTERS)

The current No Deal plan is not the worst-case scenario. In the absence of any talks, or any deals, or any ideas beyond asking the EU to tear up the Northern Irish backstop we insisted on as vital in the first place, it is the most-likely scenario.

Yellowhammer was a plan about how to avoid problems. The current plan is to encourage them - to terrify the providers of water-purifying chemicals, radioisotopes vital for x-rays, car parts and millions of livelihoods into doing what we want, by making it clear that the alternative is Britons losing their jobs, lives and sanity.

To see how successful this sort of negotiating ploy can be, go to a car dealership and punch yourself repeatedly until the salesman gives you a free Lamborghini.

Then ask yourself if a country can be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

(Image: AFP/Getty Images)

Why would anyone who is not insane do such a thing? Perhaps someone who is trying to make the dealership look bad, who is creating a distraction, or who is trying to win a bet that the value of sterling will fall at midnight on November 1.

This is a pretty sound bet, that anyone who is not insane and has millions to spare would be well-advised to back. Not only is a world recession looming, but the planet's biggest economy is controlled by an obese Oompah Loompah who is planning more tax cuts because he has literally no other ideas.

It's the politics of envy to begrudge a currency speculator the chance to make a billion overnight. Only a doomster would say the lives of most Brits would get worse, when every house has a gutter to catch rainwater and anyone in need of pain relief can chew willow bark to have the same effect as barely any aspirin.

It's quite clear Boris Johnson has a new, comprehensive, and detailed plan for a No Deal Brexit which has completely replaced Operation Yellowhammer. This one is codenamed Operation Bugger It All To Hell.

(Image: AFP/Getty Images)

Four million children at risk of holiday hunger are being trained to scavenge in bins and eat toilet paper.

Entrepreneurial teenagers are being encouraged into setting up their own county lines drug franchises, using techniques that would impress a psychopathic workhouse beadle.

Invalids, the sick and the dying who are expensive to look after and too ill to be vaccinated are to be cleansed with a measles epidemic.

Pensions for factory workers, labourers, farmers, the malnourished, unfortunate and obese are to be cancelled by making them available only after most working-class people are dead.

(Image: AFP/Getty Images)

No-one need worry about the effect on the North, because there'll be no functioning transport links which will mean no-one's ever going to go there or, if they do, they'll never return.

And there'll be no terrorists after Brexit, because we won't be talking to any of the countries we've exported ours to. Of course there'll be no EU nurses, midwives, doctors, pharmacists, farm workers or waiting staff, but seeing as there'll be hardly anyone left we won't need them.

All right, the army might be on the streets - but that's just proof we need to increase defence spending and decrease pothole repair. Yes, we might run out of toilet roll, but if we do we'll run out of the poor as well, so it won't be anything like Victorian Britain. It'll be just the rich Victorians, this time.

On the plus side, Boris Johnson is Prime Minister, which he always wanted to be. And he has a pretty young girlfriend who has been invited to tea with the Queen.

So let those two shining positives about the value of a good education and good old British pluck keep you warm you at night, while the No Deal Brexit we were promised would never happen careers on its long-laid tracks all the way down to Boris Johnson's idea of heaven.