Hello from the Nerd side of the fence!

I was recently reading about some of the standard things IT guys go through and it has inspired me to write a message from your IT guy. Yes, s/he really is thinking these things. I promise.

Please don't lie to me. It's pathetic. Apparently I'm smart enough to fix every computer problem the entire staff can come up with, but I'm too dumb to realize that your monitor / computer / phone / tablet did not throw itself at high velocities onto the floor.

While your excuses for how "SquirrelLove.XXX" ended up in your browsing history shortly before a massive virus outbreak are endlessly entertaining (and shared amongst the other techs in a game of "Who Has The Most Pathetic Lie"), there are also pathetic.

Man up. You did it. You got caught. I'm going to help you out either way. Perhaps you could also use this embarrassment as a time to pause for personal reflection on some areas of personal improvement. Such as not taking your frustration out on expensive electronic devices.

No. Your company doesn't trust you. For good reason. I know that you're pure as the wind-driven snow, but there are some inescapable facts that persist about those other employees. Such as the fact that, without any filtering active, porn is *always* the #1 use of bandwidth on a companies network. And that "small accessories" (laptop chargers, cables, any parts of wireless keyboards/mice, etc.) seem to disappear on a regular basis.

I know that these are all small items, but the way your company sees it, if you're going to steal / "extendo-borrow" / outfit your home with low cost IT equipment, what are the chances that you are *not* going to steal anything that isn't bolted down? Er...I mean those other employees. Not you.

It's really not your computer. Yes, I know that it is moving slowly again. I'm sure that it isn't the 20MB cool moving picture file you've chosen as a background that the computer has to constantly redraw. Or the audio / video streaming you've gotten hidden in the background. Or the 5 chat applications you're running.

It's really not your computer. I know that your e-mail / Word / application-vital-to-your-productivity-that-you-blamed-to-explain-to-your-boss-having-done-nothing started working when I walked up, but it never works any other time.

Let's make a deal. I won't tell your boss what you're really doing if you figure out some new stories that don't involve IT to explain what's not happening. I hear sickness is a popular one.

It's really not your computer. I know the company wants it attached to you at all times just in case they decide that some report is vital at midnight. I get that your boss has flashes of brilliance that require you to create a new spreadsheet / chart / presentation within 18 1/2 minutes and so you've learned to always have your laptop within reach. I get it - I promise.

However, it really isn't your computer. No, you can't load / view / configure it any way you want to. Putting giant camo skull stickers on it doesn't make it any more yours. Yes, most any IT guy can see everything on it and no amount of yelling will fix that (although it might make some guys want to look even more).

And since I will admit that there are unscrupulous IT guys with too much time on their hands in some companies, yes I really would put a piece of tape over the built-in camera.

Yes, we think those password requirements are ridiculous, too. I know the requirement to have no word recognizable in any language as part of your password is perhaps a little overkill. Yes, I agree that a minimum password length of 32 characters might be going overboard. And I recognize (and try to explain to the IT security guys) that the more complex the password is, the more likely it is going to be written on a Post-It on the bottom of the keyboard.

On the other hand, there are limits as to what we All-Powerful Nerds can do. Complaining piteously to me every time you have to change your password won't change policies or fix your problem. No, you shouldn't tell me what your password is because I don't care and will forget it in 30 seconds. I don't need your password to gain access to your computer.

Lastly, while we're on passwords, please pick something non-embarrassing. StudMuffin01 is going to be pretty embarrassing to tell me if I need to log in as you. And you can bet I'm going to ask you to speak up and say it louder, even though I heard you say, "ImAPrettyPrincess!" loud and clear.

And yes, I can pick a password for you that both of us will remember for a long time to come, but you probably don't want me to, DrBrainFog#1.