A dark theater. A greasy, glistening hot dog nestled tight in a bun and slathered with ooey, gooey cheese and hot, thick chili. The March air was crisp, but inside? Mmm, inside is warm. I am ready to review. The live-action Beauty And The Beast promises something few other major movie releases can offer: a steamy gay subplot. I'm ready for this. In IMAX.

The previews roll and we're treated to Transformers, Spider-Man and Pirates Of The Caribbean. The testosterone is practically dribbling onto the floor. There's also a Wonder Woman preview, because you go, girl!

The film begins, and our first image is a man applying eye makeup. This is alright. Emma Watson is a vision. She also strolls out of a house past some chickens, and I'm excited to see the cocks are in beautiful form. Robust and chubby, as they should be. Sing a little song, lament a little lackluster existence, and suddenly here's Gaston. But more importantly, here's Le Fou. Oh, Josh Gad, that space between your teeth is wide enough to fit ... well, something.

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I bite into my hot dog, and in the darkness some of the cheese dribbles down my chin. Oops.

Le Fou is decked out in some golden finery and a jaunty red bow. He fits the Disney paradigm of the amusing chubby sidekick to a taller, less hilarious character very well. This is paralleled by Lumiere and Cogsworth, who are totally unimportant with the exception that Sir Ian McKellen voices the clock, and isn't that something?