Ladies, from the party that brought us legitimate rape, forcible rape, honest rape and easy rape, we have a new rape option, courtesy of "pro-choice woman" Linda McMahon, Connecticut senate candidate. Introducing ... emergency rape:



It was really an issue about a Catholic church being forced to offer those pills if the person came in in an emergency rape. That was my response to it. I absolutely think that we should avail women who come in with rape victims the opportunity to have those morning after pills or the treatment that they should get.

Who knew women were rushing to Catholic Churches for medical attention after being raped? Maybe it's a Connecticut thing, where the next nearest hospital is just a "short ride" away.

You're probably asking yourself how this "emergency rape" works and whether it's as effective at preventing pregnancy as Todd Akin's legitimate rape. Well, sadly, no. Turns out nothing is as effective as legitimate rape, since that's the only kind (that we know of, to date; however, Republicans are constantly discovering new kinds of rape, so fingers crossed!) in which magic lady parts detect rape sperm and "shut that whole thing down."

No, from what we can tell, emergency rape is quite similar to Ron Paul—sorry, Doctor Ron Paul's—honest rape. However, please note that Dr. Paul suggests a woman who has been honest raped (or emergency raped) "should go immediately to the emergency room." Not, as Connecticut women are apparently doing in droves, the nearest Catholic Church. So that's a good pointer.

Some other critical points from Republicans to keep in mind:

The Catholic Church should always be your first stop because, according to the Church, "When it comes to the health of women, their babies, and their children, the Catholic Church is there, the most effective private provider of such care anywhere around." This is why our health care policies are written by the Church, which is what Jesus wanted, or he wouldn't have put it in the Constitution. After your emergency rape, whatever you do, do not seek emergency contraception, because that violates the religious liberty of the Catholic Church and besides, contraception is just like 9/11 and Pearl Harbor Day. Remember that your emergency rape baby is a gift from God:

As horrible as the way that that son or daughter and son was created, it still is her child. [...] I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created -- in the sense of rape -- but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you. As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life. We have horrible things happen. I can't think of anything more horrible. But, nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation. You might qualify for an abortion if you're a religious virgin who "planned on saving her virginity until she was married," and you were "brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it." Please visit your nearest Republican for details. And finally, ladies, for god's sake, please remember, "As long as it's inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

Ask your doctor what kind of rape is right for you.

And then, for the sake of all that is holy, give $3 to Chris Murphy so we can send someone to the Senate who understands that rape is rape. Period.