NEW YORK—As part of an ongoing effort to modernize the city’s aging infrastructure, New York mayor Bill de Blasio approved a $13-billion renovation plan Thursday aimed at ridding JFK Airport of the former president’s ghost. “We’ve been getting complaints for years and frankly, it’s embarrassing that one of the busiest airports in the nation would be plagued by this level of supernatural activity,” said de Blasio, adding that the project would include the construction of a much-needed portal connecting JFK Terminal 4 to the nether-realm. “A lot of people are going to miss seeing President Kennedy around the airport, but this is really in his best interest as well. I mean, the poor guy has been eating at the same Sbarro for 54 year now. I think it’s time we let him find some peace.” At press time, de Blasio confirmed that LaGuardia would continue to act as New York’s primary domestic receptacle for the souls of the damned.

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