Formula 1 can be so amateurish when it is supposed to be a professional sport. Standing restarts, for God’s sake! What are these people on? What will this achieve? It’s a bit like titanium skid plates? Why not fireworks on the winning car as it crosses the line?

Standing restarts may cause a few more accidents. Brilliant! TV numbers go up when people get hurt…

My view is that if you are going to be cynical, at least have some ambition. Forget Jean Reno and Dominic Cucumberpatch, have some ambition! Invite Obama and Putin for a Paddock Club Summit in Sochi. Tell Israel that they are not invited, but Iran can come. Invite Max Mosley and the cast of The Rocky Horror Show. Or just take a page out of the Kardashian instruction book: Mercedes should order Lewis Hamilton to go on a date (snogging allowed) with Katy Perry (53.9 million followers on Twitter). They can talk songwriting, tattoos, ringtones, who cares? She can then come to the next Grand Prix and meet Nico Rosberg. Hey presto! The following week Hello, Ola, Voici, Voila and other rags should have pictures of Katy and Nico canoodling behind the bike sheds.

At the next GP Katy should sing the Azerbaijan national anthem on the grid (upsetting for the locals because we are in Sochi) with Lewis (now with blue hair) and Nico staring intently at her. This should be available (sponsored by Durex) on YouTube. Katy can then Tweet: “This. OMG #confused. #lovecrisis. WTF. TBH gr8t guys both. #toughchoice.”

That would do it…

Fernando’s girlfriend should then run off with Justin Bieber (52.5 million Twitter followers) and Luca Montezemolo and Marco Mattiacci should appear on the grid, dressed as a pantomime prancing horse, to cheer up the grumpy Spaniard. Luis Suarez should rush on to the grid and bite Montezemolo’s bum.

To try to win the spotlight back for Mercedes (and attract the really young car buyers), Toto Wolff should dress up as Barney the Purple Dinosaur and get Lewis and Nico to sing: “I love you. You love me. We’re best friends like friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too…”

That’s proper cynical!