The other day I watched a father intercept his young son as the boy playfully sauntered by our group of waving, encouraging first-time soccer parents.

“Why aren’t you trying!” the father screamed. The boy’s once happy expression melted away. “Everybody is trying to win but you! Even the girls”, he pointed at the pack of playful kids racing toward the end of the soccer field ahead of his son who now appeared drained of confidence and joy.

“BE A MAN!” The final audible words his father spoke as he dragged his son off of the field for a private talk.

Be a man?

I carried this statement with me long after the on-field altercation. I contemplated what this other father had said to his young son and the implications of those three words on young boys. What does it actually mean to be a man? Is this something I will need to teach my son? And if so, how will I go about it?

From birth, tiny fissures are created through books and toys and traditional colours that initiate the gender divide, putting into motion established roles we are to carry out as men. We are told to pick the blue item not the pink one because girls wear pink; we are given toy trucks to play with not dolls because that’s what boys should be interested in; we are encouraged to celebrate the male heroes not princesses because we will identify with them; and, we are asked to silence our emotions because talking about how we feel is an activity for women.

As we get older these fissures erode, split and become so segregated that by the time our young boys become young men, being called a woman is a hurtful insult.

Remarks like, “Stop acting like a woman”, “stop crying like a girl”, “that’s a chick thing to do” get thrown out to attack the dignity of another man – so much so that the characteristics defining a man suggest the opposite to that of a woman. This teaches boys from a young age that men are expected to be stronger, faster and smarter than women and skews their perception of gender equality.

This was the world I grew up in. While my parents refused to define my behaviour by gender, the outside forces of society left a lasting impression on me. I was exposed to behavioural segregation designed to teach that one gender is more superior to the other – If I was injured playing sports, I was coached to “shake it off” or “take off my skirt”. If I made a bad play, I was told not to skate or shoot like a girl. If I was embroiled in a schoolyard altercation, I was encouraged to attack, and not to back down like a woman. All of this shaped me to mask my emotions and to hide how I felt because it made me look feminine and this was somehow a sign of weakness.

I don’t want this world for my son.

I want him to understand that being a man has nothing to do with objects or emotional concealment. The colours pink or blue don’t have anything to do with manliness. Playing with dolls or trucks, or being interested in super heroes or princesses won’t establish him to be more or less masculine.

And teaching my son to hide his feelings and swallow his emotions will not make him a man. He needs to know that strength, intelligence and success have nothing to do with gender.

I am thankful that my son is growing up in an era where openly transgendered people like Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner are exemplifying that gender originates from within and is not manifested through the choices made for us by others. This creates an environment for my son to mature and recognize that the gender divide is not so wide and that the differences in people aren’t so distant for understanding.

I do not need to teach my son how to be a man. I must teach him how to be himself whatever that may look like, and embrace that others may teach their sons to do the same.

And to my fellow fathers, if your son wants the pink shirt, or wants to paint his nails, or cries when he falls down, or runs slower than the girls: support him. Don’t criticize what comes naturally for him. Because if you do, what kind of man are you?

This post was originally published by The Toronto Star through STAR TOUCH. Read the article here.