NEW YORK—Executive board members of Goldman Sachs called an afternoon press conference today to announce they will be exploding a local intermediate care facility, adding that “we’re doing it, and there’s basically nothing anyone can do about it.” “We decided today we really want to blow up a nursing home, so we’re going to do that and, honestly, I can’t think of a single thing that any one of you could possibly do to stop us—in fact, I’d like to see you try,” said company chairman and CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who later added that residents of the Ocean Trail Care Center in Jamaica, Queens “can leave the facility if they want, or stay right there for all we care, but either way that whole damn nursing home is going up in smoke at 6 p.m.” “So, anyway, that’s what’s going on. We’re placing the explosive charges now and, again, you are all completely powerless to stop us. Have a good day and fuck all of you.” At press time, well, they did it.

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