Measure Intended to Curb School Shooting Epidemic

Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo

Washington, D.C. – The landmark legislation, passed strictly by the GOP along partisan lines, is intended to appease both the National Rifle Association and concerned parents. All 248 GOP members of Congress celebrated the legislation, though some were secretly expressing concern that this bill would lend credence to the Democratic claim that climate change is real, and that the rising sea level is not because rocks are falling into our oceans. Opting to fortify the NRA over the climate-change-is-a-hoax wing of the party, despite the two being wholly intertwined, the bill was celebrated by the GOP through a series of ignominious tweets.

“Thoughts and prayers definitely weren’t working, which was surprising because they always worked in the past,” said Texas Congressman Ted Cruz. “It feels good to finally take action against this blight on society.”

“The American people deserve the right to feel safe and have an opportunity to better their lives, and the best way to do that is to make sure schools never open again,” said Alabama Congressman Mo Brooks. “Kids love summer, and we love our kids. We also like guns so when you factor all of that in, this is a no-brainer. Besides, we never really have winter in Alabama anyway.”

When it was pointed out to the Congressman that there is a thing called summer school, Brooks was nonplussed. “Summer school is only for kids who struggle with regular school,” he said. “That will no longer be an issue.”

Clearing the Senate will be a bigger challenge as they have shown a slightly increased ability to critically think about the issues facing our nation.

President Trump praised the landmark legislation, vociferously tweeting, “Tremendous!!!” His use of three exclamation marks clearly indicates his willingness to sign the bill into law, should it reach his very neat and orderly desk.

The winner in all of this could be anyone involved with the internet, as it will become the primary source of educating our youth. In a recent Quinnipiac poll, 100% of internet service providers and internet search engines, such as Google, were in favor of the sweeping new legislation. Web MD, an online medical site that suggests everything from a cough lasting more than 14 minutes to joint pain is probably cancer, also praised the move. “This is the dawn of a new America,” said the CEO of the medical site, “The value of saving lives supersedes the need to educate our children.”

In a rare bipartisan moment, the three excluded seasons released a joint statement on the new legislation. “This reckless behavior by an out of control House of Representatives, cannot be tolerated,” the statement began. “What’s going to happen when mass shootings begin occurring at community pools and July 4th picnics? Are we going to become a country entirely without seasons?”

Summer wasn’t available for comment.

Congressman Brooks dismissed the naysayers, claiming that the NRA has been around longer than the seasons and have played a more integral role in our country’s development. “The seasons should know their place,” said Brooks. “The NRA has done more for this nation than the insufferable seasons have, and they would be wise to keep their mouths shut.”

The marginalized seasons are planning a rally on Capitol Hill to garner support for making sure this legislation doesn’t see the light of day. Old Man Winter and Mother Nature are expected to be on hand for the event.

“At the end of the day, we must come together as a nation to bridge what divides us,” said Mother Nature. “If Congress doesn’t have the backbone to do it, the seasons will.”

Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.

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