Technology wants to murder you. Maybe not literally, and maybe not metaphorically, either, but in some third way that you wouldn't even be able to wrap your head around because it's so advanced, its user interface so complex. Naturally, you are worried about the freedom we've so recklessly handed to machines in the name of convenience. Every new invention, every advancement in gadgetry is an encroachment on human control and, more importantly, your own personal relevance on Earth. But as you try to understand technology better, where can you turn for honest answers? Sadly, most people ask technology itself, naively thinking the Internet wouldn't be biased. But it is, it is biased. Google has been harvesting your searches and selling them to advertisers bent on selling you more technology.

But there is hope. For the better part of his parole, my Uncle Frank has been answering completely absurd but very real questions people ask search engines every day. In an extra effort this time around to fight technology with technology, he's upgraded his advice column to make the answers crawlable by search engines. What his guidance may lack in factual accuracy he makes up for in sincerity. Most importantly, these are exactly the answers humanity must have been hoping to hear when it pecked these insane questions into Google.

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