LES MISERABLES: THE MOVIE: In 3-D!!!

SCENE: A BUNCH OF PRISONERS ARE HELPLESSLY DRAGGED THROUGH AN OVERSIZED TROUGH. YOU KNOW, LIKE one DOes WITH PRISONERS.

PRISONERS

LOOK UP

LOOK UP

THERE'S SO MUCH C.G.I.

THIS FILM'S

SO LONG

THE NOVEL SEEMS TO FLYYYYY

BYYYYY

HUGH JACKMAN

I am the *INTENSE* Hugh Jackman from the X-Men movies, and also some other films you may tolerate! In which I am ALSO VERY INTENSE! Listen to me as crewmembers POUR WATER IN MY FACE!

Water flies into the camera lens--IN THREE-DEE!

HUGH JACKMAN

(still singing)

MORE!

The crew throws more water in his face.

HUGH JACKMAN

(warbling evermore)

HARDER!

The folks at ILM animate giant segments of a ship crashing into the water, killing random prisoners who still sing even while dead.

HUGH JACKMAN

(singing, but manly!)

GIVE IT TO ME!

Crewmembers run out of things to pour into the frame and start tossing lighting equipment at Hugh Jackman.

A CGI dragon flies by.

Whatever.

Enter Russell Crowe, who won't stop making "I'm having diarrhea" faces each time he tries to "sing."

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

Hugh Jackman!

HUGH JACKMAN

RUSSELL CROWE! I thought this was the THREE-DEE SCREENING!

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

It is.

HUGH JACKMAN

You are only in TWO-DEE.

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

Very observant, Prisoner 2468TEN. Here are your parole papers; show this to everybody you meet so that they don't give you a job.

HUGH JACKMAN

Now WHY would I go and do that?

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

Don't worry, if we ever do a film version that'll be explained much more clearly.

HUGH JACKMAN

But we are filming the FILM VERSION even as we speak!

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

Ah, well it seems nobody informed me of this. Now go lift that HEAVY WOODEN CHRIST-LIKE CROSS over there, or else how the hell will I possibly know that you're a CHRIST-FIGURE? Or recognize you when you lift HEAVY OBJECTS a couple of years from now?

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Hey guys, that's foreshadowing. I also did that in my other movie, "The Kings's Spe--

HUGH JACKMAN

HOOPER! I am not looking intense enough. I WANT TO NOW FILM SCENES OF ME HIKING THROUGH FORESTS, MOUNTAINS, AND SNOW.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Well, gee Hugh, I dunno--

HUGH JACKMAN

I AM SINGING-DANCING-MAN HUGH JACKMAN AND YOU WILL LISTEN!

SCENE: PETER JACKSON'S LEFTOVER STOCK FOOTAGE.

HUGH JACKMAN

Hi, X-Men co-star Ian McKellen!

IAN MCKELLEN

Hugh, guess what? This December I saw an overhyped movie filled with horrible sounds, disfigured creatures, over-indulgent directing and one man's hour-too-long journey with repeated choruses of the same song over and over and over again.

Say it with me:

HUGH JACKMAN/IAN MCKELLEN

"I ALSO SAW THE HOBBIT!"

IAN MCKELLEN

Nice.

HUGH JACKMAN

Hey, you think maybe I'm the Australian you?

IAN MCKELLEN

Sigh. Forsooth, I am getting to become too age-d for this fecal matter.

SCENE: THE CHALET THAT COLM WILKINSON BOUGHT WITH ALL HIS "BRING HIM HOME" MONEY.

COLM WILKINSON

You poor, poor Valjean.

HUGH JACKMAN

YES LIFE HAS BEEN HARD FOR ME.

COLM WILKINSON

I'm... pretty sure that's not the way I meant that.

Hugh Jackman steals all of Colm Wilkinson's stuff and runs away, only to be brought back by the police.

THE POLICE

We hit this thief real hard on the head so he has to do that "What Have I Done?" bit with blood seeping into his eye, like some MIDDLE SCHOOL PRODUCTION of "Les Mis Junior".

COLM WILKINSON

That's okay, he didn't actually steal anything, I gave it to him. Including this precious silver.

(hands silver over)

HUGH JACKMAN

(looking at the silver)

BUT THIS IS YOUR TONY AWARD!

COLM WILKINSON

Yes. It means nothing to me now, you hack.

HUGH JACKMAN

(pacing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth in a tiny room)

I... DON'T... KNOW WHAT... YOU'RE... TALKING ABOUT!

THE ORCHESTRA

(coming in late, then early, then late again)

Will you sing in SOMETHING EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLING A RHYTHM?

How do you expect us to follow you if you just pretend that metronomes are mythological items?

HUGH JACKMAN'S NOSEHAIRS

ZOOOOOM! Aren't you glad you saw this in Three-Deeeeeeeee!

SCENE: MONTAGE

We see the very illustrative--but narratively compact--montage that the stage musical couldn't have possibly given us. In it we are shown how Valjean becomes a new man, finds success as a very respected and wealthy man in the community, and overcomes all of the social obstacles that Fantine and even a younger Valjean had difficulty with, thereby leading to a more satisfying denouement at the story's end.

Oh wait?... Nevermind, apparently NONE of that happens.

SCENE: THE FACTORY WHERE ANNE HATHAWAY WORKS.

Lower-class people beg while sick people ache while hungry people starve while overworked people suffer all while singing a catchy song illuminating their plight. Just as all poor people do.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

This quick-succession of images is the closest we'll get in this film to something called a "montage." You might have seen this "montage" construct when I used it in "The King's Speech."

I directed that too!

Now I'm going to show you a "camera angle." It is when you put a camera in a weird place and then everybody gets to see what happens from that weird place! I also did this in another movie I directed.

I forget which one, but it's probably "The King's Speech".

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

CCCCCRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! PPPPPAAAAAIINNNN! SUUUUUFFFERRRRINNNGGGG!

FACTORY BOSS

Anne Hathaway, I saw that Limo picture and I want a piece of that.

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

NNNOOOOOOOO! YOU CAAAANNN'TTTT!!

HUGH JACKMAN

What is going on here? Damn, do I look mighty dapper! BUT STILL SO MUCH WITH THE INTENSE!

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

CRRRRYYYYYY! MMMYYYY DDDAAAAUUUGGGHHHTTTEEERRR! OOOOOOSSSSCCCAAARRR!

HUGH JACKMAN

Don't mind me, I'm distracted by how I look younger and younger each successive scene of this musical.

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

(fighting with factory workers)

HUGH YOU HAVE TO HELP MEEEEEEEEEE

HUGH JACKMAN

(looking in mirror)

Gosh, you'd never be able to tell that I spent nineteen years in a French prison.

Anne Hathaway is forced into prostitution.

She loses her hair, her teeth, she starves herself, she acts in a movie that Tom Hooper is directing...

Really, ANYTHING in a desperate attempt to match Natalie Portman's Oscar status. Anything, except dance.

SCENE: A COURTROOM.

HUGH JACKMAN

THAT MAN IS NOT JEAN VALJEAN, I AM JEAN VALJEAN!

RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE

Prove it. Lift something heavy and dull.

Hugh Jackman picks up Russell Crowe.

RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE

Ah. I see what you did there.

HUGH JACKMAN

I'll be at the hospital.

RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE

Sure, why would I arrest you here, where every single person in the room is a man of the law?

SCENE: HOSPITAL WHERE ANNE HATHAWAY DIES.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Now in this scene, I use a "scrim" to make Young Cosette seem like she's "standing behind a scrim." This is a new filmmaking technique that I call, "scrim-standing-behinding."

I used this in "The King's Speech," where Young King Edward stands behind a scrim.

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh young Cosette mirage, I'm going to die now, and then I won't ever have to sit through more than the first 20 minutes of a screening.

(dies)

Enter Russell Crowe.

RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE

Hugh! I have not been on a ledge for almost ten minutes now, and I blame *you*!

HUGH JACKMAN

Then let us fight as we do lots of MANLY SINGING!

RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE

Shall we step outside to do so?

HUGH JACKMAN

No, let's do it here, INSIDE OF THIS WORKING HOSPITAL!

They swordfight, gruesomely murdering dozens of innocent nurses and patients in the process.

HUGH JACKMAN

CROWE! Why is your singing so suddenly non-cringeworthy in this song and only this song?

RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE

Because I'm not on a ledge. When I'm not standing on a ledge I sing much better.

Russell Crowe follows Hugh Jackman out onto a ledge.

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

(swallowing a note and farting it out)

Dammit.

HUGH JACKMAN

I AM GOING TO JUMP OFF THIS LEDGE INTO THE WATER, MOST INTENSELY!

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

Well, I COULD jump in after you, but you know how much I *love* ledges.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Now folks, this next song, "Stars," is arguably one of the best songs in the musical.

It uses a cinematic technique called GRATUITOUS GREEN-SCREEN, which helps Russell Crowe leverage the greatest advancements in digital computer imagery in order to repeatedly rape a thing you love.

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

(copulating with a pile of Les Miserables CDs)

THEEEEEAAAHH OUTINDA DURKNUSSSS

COLM WILKINSON

Please dear lord the humanity.

BOUBLIL AND SCHONBERG

We would kill ourselves. But we need to stay around so we have the opportunity to claw out our eardrumbs when Soon-Yi sings "The Movie In My Mind" in the "Miss Saigon" film.

RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE

ANIFYU FALL LA LA LUSIFERFELL FUFLAME, FLA-SWORD!

STUZ.

STUZ IN YAR MULTITOOOOOOOOOOOOOD--

BOUBLIL AND SCHONBERG

On second thought--

(commit suicide)

SCENE: LET'S MEET BORAT AND BELLATRIX!

SASHA BARON COHEN

Remember when you found me a wonderful surprise in "Sweeney Todd?"

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

And remember that one movie where you were seriously impressed by my unique and ultimately wonderful performance?

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

That was probably my movie! It was called "The King's--

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Crawl in a ditch and die, Tom Hooper.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Hahaha... awesome joke.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

No really, I could get Tim Burton do it and he'd thank me for the pleasure.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Maybe I don't understand what a joke means? Isn't a joke when you cast two usually-funny actors in new roles, and the funny part is remembering-how-funny-they-were-in-something-else-but-not-this, right?

SASHA BARON COHEN

(with fever on day of filming)

GOD DAMMIT HOOPER, JUST FILM ME PUKING! IT'S BASICALLY THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'LL PUT IN THIS HUMORLESS SOAP OPERA!

Hugh Jackman enters, takes the young COSETTE, and they leave on a stage coach.

YOUNG COSETTE

Oh, lead actor from "Rock'em-Sock'em Robots The Movie," will you be my Daddy?

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes. Now let me sing a new song for you.

(sings)

SUDDENLY I SEE

SUDDENLY IT STARTS

A SONG THAT YOU DON'T REMEMBER FROM THE MUSICAL

WITH NO FORM AT ALL

SERIOUSLY YOU CAN JUST GO ABBADABBAMABBADABBAYABBA

AND SOMEHOW IT FITS INTO THE STRUCTURE OF THE SONG

SUDDENLY THE WORLD WILL NOMINATE THIS SONG FOR AN OSCAR

AND MAYBE IT WILL WIN BECAUSE THEY REALLY LIKE THE OTHER SONGS

BUT THOSE SONGS AREN'T ELIGIBLE FOR NOMINATION

SUDDENLY

SUDDENLY

"SUDDENLY," WE HOPE, WILL BE THE "THE DEPARTED" OF OSCAR SONGS.

YOUNG COSETTE

Daddy you just added 4 minutes to a musical that the Director already failed to make sufficient cuts to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get into my Gavroche costume.

SCENE: HALFWAY INTO THE FILM, AND AMANDA SEYFRIeD AND EDDIE REDMAYNE AND AARON TVEIT HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN UP ONSCREEN YET.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

This is a cinematic technique called "I don't really understand that stage musicals can be long because they have these points where people need a break and they go take a piss and is that called halftime? I only watch Football. British Football. Sorry what was my point? Oh I should close the double quote: "

Audience weighs whether to pee in their pants or just leave, and ultimately makes the wrong decision.

SCENE: MONTAGE to an orchestral reprise of "At the end of the day"

We see Young Cosette grow up, time and again shielded from the difficulties of life by a father figure who doesn't want his child to see how cruel the world has been to him, thereby fully justifying his decision never to reveal his true past.

What is great about this montage--in a way that only film can do--is the way it gives us glimpses into the life of a young Marius, who rebels against his social standing to become a revolutionary, one in a long line of failed revolutions against the French monarchy that this montage traces us through in a carefully-constructed series of vignettes.

There are also vignettes of a young Eponine estranged from her parents, how she comes to be infatuated with Marius, and how Marius finds a brother in Enjolras. We even learn the importance of the elephant that is later used in the Paris scenes.

All the while, even in the tumultuous environment of Paris, Valjean is again able to become extraordinary wealthy from nothing, using the lessons he learned in the previous time-skipping montage.

Oh? There WAS no previous time-skipping montage?

Well then, Fuck You Film-goer, it seems.

SCENE: OUTSIDE OF WHATEVER VERY RICH NICE FANCY EXPENSIVE PLACE HUGH JACKMAN LIVES IN NOW.

HUGH JACKMAN

Ta-ta, Amanda Seyfried. I'm going out to get my hair re-colored and my face lifted, so I continue to look just as young as I did twenty years ago.

(exits)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Take care, papa. I'm going to sit here and continually swallow my own vomit as I gaze upon this CGI butterfly, which surely this film could not have possibly done without.

Eddie Redmayne sees Amanda Seyfried and vaguely recognizes her from hits like "Pierce Brosnan Sings" and that one Justin Timberlake sci-fi film that made no sense.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Amanda!

(sings)

A HEART FULL OF LOVE

A HEART FULL OF LOVE

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(barely-passable singing)

A HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRTTTTTTTTT FFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--

EDDIE REDMAYNE

TOM! TOM MAKE HER STOP!

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

What's wrong Eddie? Don't you love Amanda Seyfried? I saw her in "Mamma Mia" and thought she had a voice like silver.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Tom, does Russell Crowe also have a "voice of silver"?!?

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

No. Isn't it clear that Crowe has the voice of Gold?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You have no idea how Olympic medals work, do you.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Not the foggiest. But remember that other movie that had a song? In a dramatic moment towards the end? What film was that...

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(ignoring)

I love you Amanda Seyfried because you're sort of attractive I guess. Even though I have this stunning supermodel following me around, basically pleading for me to take her V-card.

SAMANTHA BARKS

(with the wind blowing through her hair, as she appears in the least-tomboyish outfit ever)

Hi! I am the ugliest and most toothless character in the novel.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

The King's Speech! That was the film's title.

Samantha Barks sings "On My Own" in exactly the time it takes for a pouring raincloud to pass overhead.

RAINCLOUD

AIM FOR THE CLEAVAGE! MAKE EVERYTHING CLING!

Samantha Barks circles a wrap around her body so that you can see just how much sex appeal she, uh, disgusts Eddie Redmayne with or something.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I clearly don't find you attractive in the least, Samantha.

SAMANTHA BARKS

Right... My eyes are up here.

SCENE: A FRENCH REVOLUTION FILMED IN AN UGLY PART OF PARIS. (THERE ARE PRETTIER AREAS OF PARIS, YOU KNOW.)

AARON TVEIT

Revolutionaries! Follow me past Lot 40 to Paramount 53 right next to the King Kong ride! It's right behind Hill Valley's clocktower and it's DEFINITELY NOT the set for Chocolat!

REVOLUTIONARIES

Yes, we will assuredly follow you into this dead end! In war it is always a good idea to retreat to an area where you can be surrounded on all sides!

AARON TVEIT

I WILL SING SO VERY BEAUTIFULLY ABOUT HOW WE WILL BUILD A BARRICADE!

REVOLUTIONARIES

And we will listen to you because you're the only well-groomed one out of the lot of us!

They haul out a leftover barricade from the Orange County High School production.

AARON TVEIT

What the hell? I didn't spend seven hours in front of the mirror this morning for a barricade that can fit through a bathroom door!

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Sorry, we ran out of money after paying for Russell Crowe's voice lessons, which we just found out was a bottle of Scotch.

But a good bottle of Scotch; a bronze one.

AARON TVEIT

(wind blowing through his hair and glistening cleavage)

NO MATTER! FIIIIIIGGGGHHTTTTprettysinging!

FRENCH ARMY

There's what, one, maybe two dozen of you fighting the entire French Army?

REVOLUTIONARIES

The Extras got lost on the way between the Gangs of New York set and the Jurassic Park ride.

FRENCH ARMY

That's OK, Russell Crowe had to be pulled away from the Waterworld stunt show kicking and screaming.

The French Army shoots at the revolutionaries and Samantha Barks gets shot in the bosom.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(doing his best bobble head impression)

Oh no, Samantha!

SAMANTHA BARKS

Eddie, Amanda Seyfried wrote a letter and left it for you, but in this film version of the musical I selfishly stole it and I'm only giving it to you because I'm dying.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You wench.

He smacks her in the face just enough to downgrade her beauty to a respectable Amanda Seyfried level, after which she dies.

After which that little boy dies.

After which all the other revolutionaries die, except for Aaron Tveit, because he's too pretty to muss up.

REVOLUTIONARIES

HEY BY THE WAY ANYONE KNOW WHAT WE WERE FIGHTING FOR?--

(croak)

AARON TVEIT

I MUST DIE WITH DIGNITY! REMEMBER IN THE STAGE PRODUCTION WHEN MY BODY WAS FLUNG OVER THE EDGE OF THE BARRICADE?

FRENCH ARMY

Um.

AARON TVEIT

I MUST RE-CREATE THAT HIGHLY DRAMATIC ICONIC TABLEAU IN THIS FILM AS WELL!

FRENCH ARMY

All right, let's go with this.

AARON TVEIT

I AM STEPPING BACKWARD!

FRENCH ARMY

Sure...

AARON TVEIT

I AM STEPPING BACKWARDS EVEN MORE!

FRENCH ARMY

Keep going...

AARON TVEIT

I AM NOW GOING TO FA--

FRENCH ARMY

No you have a few more feet to go.

AARON TVEIT

RIGHT THEN! NOW I'M STEPPING BACK AGAIN!

FRENCH ARMY

Aim left a bit.

AARON TVEIT

AM I THERE YET?

FRENCH ARMY

Yeah.

AARON TVEIT

OK, I'M GOING TO FALL NOW!.... I'M DYING! I'M DEAD!

Aaron Tveit falls splayed over the edge of the second-story apartment window.

AARON TVEIT

THIS IS A VERY DRAMATIC DEATH! VERY VERY VERY VERY DRAMATIC!

FRENCH ARMY

Yeah not so much.

Enter the PROTAGONIST and ANTAGONIST. Remember them?

HUGH JACKMAN

Hi everyone, I'm still in this movie.

RUSSELL CROWE

Me too. But it's been awhile; you haven't needed to plug your ears for roughly the length of a Pixar film!

We zoom WAY in on their heads again, so the Three-Dee emphasizes each of the goddamn wrinkles on their face.

"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER

Hey guys? Guys, what's a "wide shot?" Guys? Was it something I used in that one movie I really shouldn't have won that Oscar for? By now is there anybody not still yet aware that I directed THAT close-up-fest?

Hugh Jackman sings "Bring him Home" in a key he can't even hear in.

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh look it's Eddie Redmayne, and he seems just as dead as the rest of these kids! I guess with proper medical attention I could save most of them, couldn't I?

(picks up Eddie Redmayne and none of the others)

To the doctor!

SCENE: THE "SUSPENSE" SCENE. You know it is a suspense scene because the underscoring is MENACING and increases in tempo. You are all sorts of welcome.

Hugh Jackman drags Eddie Redmayne through the intricate and complex series of Paris' underground sewers. With barely any light, plenty of excrement, and zero knowledge of how to navigate where he is going, it is uncertain how Hugh will know where to exit and whether or not poor Eddie will be seen by a doctor in time.

But what is DEFINITELY certain is that they have lost Russell Crowe once and for all.

Hugh Jackman

Finally, we have lost Russell Crowe once and for all!

RUSSELL CROWE

Surprise! Here I am.

Hugh Jackman

How the hell did yo--

RUSSELL CROWE

And I need one thing: justice. Or a ledge. Either justice or a ledge, which will you provide me with?

HUGH JACKMAN

Do you ever get tired of doing this same thing throughout this film?

RUSSELL CROWE

Well sometimes I pull out my phone and tweet at American Idol personalities to pass the time.

HUGH JACKMAN

Ever thought of killing yourself?

RUSSELL CROWE

But that would be so cliche--pretty much everybody's died.

HUGH JACKMAN

But did any of them kill themselves and hit the ground with the auditory accompaniment of a re-used Monty Python sound effect?

RUSSELL CROWE

(jumps)

I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU LEDGES!

He croaks, which is a better sound than anything that has come out of his mouth for the past three hours.

AUDIENCE

(cheers!)

Now to make that Russell-Crowe-dies over-and-over-again YouTube remix!

SCENE: HUGH JACKMAN TELLS EDDIE REDMAYNE HIS SECRET SECRETS.

HUGH JACKMAN

I am unaware that Javert is dead, so I must run away, far far away. You must never tell Cosette that I ran away to another city where Javert cannot ever possibly find me.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You're just going to the monastery across the street aren--

HUGH JACKMAN

YES I AM JUST GOING TO THE MONASTERY ACROSS THE STREET. Ungh.

Hugh Jackman slumps in his chair and the camera gets closer and closer, because what's the use of three-dee if you can't have an old man's nose stick up through the celluloid into your FACE?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Papa! I hear you're dying in 2 minutes--

AUDIENCE

(excitedly sets stopwatches)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

--I thought it would be the perfect time to finally come see you!

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes I'm DYING, Amanda! Wait... I see a vision... of a better singer and actress than you!

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

Come with me, Hugh Jackman, it's finally over.

HUGH JACKMAN

And I'll never have to watch it again?

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

And you'll never have to watch it again, particularly in movie form.

HUGH JACKMAN

(dies)

COLM WILKINSON

Let's go to heaven, Hugh!

HUGH JACKMAN

YAAAAAYYYYY!

They enter heaven.

Hugh Jackman's soul has been saved and he sees where he will be spending eternity.

It is full of young, dead revolutionaries living the dream life they imagined if they won the war on the barricade. That is, if their dream life was to be still living in squalor amongst the rubble and destruction in war-torn Paris.

HUGH JACKMAN

What the hell is this?

ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY

It's, um, it's heaven.

HUGH JACKMAN

Heaven?!?

Valjean is waved to by a bunch of smiling, annoying kids he fought alongside for 45 minutes of his epic life.

HUGH JACKMAN

I had a sister!

Who the hell *are* you people?

The camera suddenly zooms into Hugh Jackman's face so hard that the lens cracks, mercifully treating us to a...

BLACKOUT.