If a genie granted me one technological wish, it would be this. Whenever anyone alighted on a column such as this, their smartphone, tablet or laptop would emit a puff of gas that caused total amnesia about all the previous ones.

Ad chuck-your-guts-up-until-the-throat’s-red-raw nauseam, you’ve read bozos like me reference fantasy fiction to express the Brexincredulity you feel yourself.

But seasoned by the ritual apology is the reflection that already, this embryonic Tory leadership campaign makes Alice In Wonderland look like Coronation Street.

Not modern day Corrie, with its sensationalist storylines. Mid-1960s Corrie, when the melodrama peaked with Ena Sharples, sipping milk stout in the Rovers Return, outraging Uncle Albert Tatlock into spilling his port and lemon by observing that Ken Barlow isn’t as green as he’s cabbage-looking.

I can barely type the first six words of the next paragraph for shame at their suffocating staleness, but …

In a vaguely normal political reality, Boris Johnson and Michael Gove would be lower in the betting list than Willie Whitelaw, RAB Butler and others whose leadership claims are undermined by the length of time they’ve been deceased.

Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Show all 30 1 /30 Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Pro-Brexit leave the European Union supporters attend a rally in Parliament Square after the final leg of the "March to Leave" in London AP Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit The protest march which started on March 16 in Sunderland, north east England, finished on what was the original date for Brexit to happen before the recent extension Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter holds up a poster during a rally after the final leg of the "March to Leave" in London, Friday, March 29, 2019. Pro-Brexit demonstrators were gathering in central London on the day that Britain was originally scheduled to leave the European Union. (AP Photo/ Kirsty Wigglesworth) Kirsty Wigglesworth AP Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A pro-Brexit protester holds a sign next to a statue of Winston Churchill at the March to Leave demonstration in London, Britain March 29, 2019. REUTERS/Toby Melville TOBY MELVILLE Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Brexit demonstrators in Parliament Square in Westminster, London. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Friday March 29, 2019. See PA story POLITICS Brexit. Photo credit should read: Jonathan Brady/PA Wire Jonathan Brady PA Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Pro-Brexit protesters hold signs and wave flags at the March to Leave demonstration in London, Britain March 29, 2019. REUTERS/Toby Melville TOBY MELVILLE Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit epa07471421 Pro-Brexit protesters gather outside of the Parliament for Nigel Farage's 'March to Leave' in London, Britain, 29 March 2019. MPs rejected Prime Minister's May EU withdrawal agreement earlier in the day. EPA/NEIL HALL NEIL HALL EPA Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter sips a can of Stella in protests outside of the Houses of Parliament AFP/Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Dedicated anti-Brexit campaigner Steve Bray and likewise pro-Brexit campaigner Joseph Afrane go head to head near the Houses of Parliament AFP/Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A pro-Brexit marching band in Parliament Square Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Remain supporters wave EU flags from a bus in Parliament Square PA Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter shouts slogans outside parliament EPA Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter protests outside parliament Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter protests outside of the Houses of Parliament Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Brexit supporters protest outside of the Houses of Parliament REUTERS Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A pro-Brexit flag is waved in Parliament Square AP Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit The March to Leave nears the Houses of Parliament Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit protester holds a sign outside parliament EPA Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Brexit supporters carry the coffin of democracy AFP/Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Brexit supporters march outside parliament AFP/Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Brexit supporters take part in the March to Leave protest in London PA Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Brexit supporters protest outside parliament AFP/Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter holds a sign outside the Houses of Parliament Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A man holds satirical paintings of politicians Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit An pro-Brexit float on the March to Leave march in London Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit Far-right activist Tommy Robinson addresses protesters outside the Houses of Parliament Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter outside the Houses of Parliament Reuters Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Tommy Robinson supporter arrives at the Houses of Parliament Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A jogger gestures rudely at a Brexit supporter outside of the Houses of Parliament AFP/Getty Opposing protesters flock to parliament on would be date of Brexit A Brexit supporter outside the Houses of Parliament PA

Yet here we are in the underworld they created, with their whoppers about the paradise awaiting us outside the EU, and the Sunshine Boys of Brexit head the market. Boris is Betfair’s 9-2 favourite, with Gove next on 6-1.

Those figures make further comment on this parallel universe surreality superfluous. But if you are neurotic, and want a belt as backstop to this hideous pair of braces, Jeremy Hunt is the third favourite.

The latest threat to the Gove-Johnson axis is their central involvement in the Vote Leave campaign; the one that illegally funnelled hundreds of thousands to BeLeave, the offshoot that falsely claimed to be independent, and engaged in campaign practices that would have voided the referendum result in a functioning democracy.

When Vote Leave’s criminal act of generosity was first reported last year, Boris tweeted that the claim was “utterly ludicrous”. Today, he says nothing.

Ditto for Gove. I haven’t been in a room with him often, which is a source of piercing regret. But on the several occasions I have (a book launch, a friend’s 60th, etc) he has never failed, although unasked, to make a speech. Gove would make a florid oration at the opening of a bowel.

Yet invited to comment on Vote Leave abandoning its appeal against the Electoral Commission’s finding of illegality, which some will interpret as an admission of guilt, not a dickie bird.

The consolation is that if he or Boris is elected King of the Undead, he is unlikely to survive in No 10 for long. A sensational poll published today finds Jeremy Corbyn’s ragtag army surging from behind into a five-point lead.

Such a violent, sudden swing is more than statistical noise. It probably rules out – incredibly so, recalling what Chris Grayling said on Friday – an imminent general election. These Tories are indisputably turkeys. But less than ever after such a laxative poll will they vote for a Christmas likely to make Corbyn as jolly as Santa.

If a snap election is off the table, and if as reported the Tories would split asunder should Theresa May accept Ken Clarke’s indicative vote for a customs union, the possibilities are narrowed to two: no deal or a People’s Vote.

The odds are even, making this the most petrifying life-or-death coin flip since Javier Bardem tossed a quarter to decide a shopkeeper’s fate in No Country For Old Men.

At 4am this morning, during another bout of Brexit-related insomnia, I had a dangerously large punt on no deal for two reasons.

One is that it now strikes me as a gravely realistic prospect. The EU 27, or enough of them to matter given that anyone can veto an extension, seems genuinely prepared and willing to take the pain to rid themselves of this turbulent imbecile of a country.

The other is that the act of me backing anything makes it exceedingly unlikely to happen.

And this one still might not. If Margaret Beckett’s indicative vote – to pass May’s deal, but require it to be confirmed or otherwise by a second referendum – returns to the Commons on Monday, enough Tory MPs on either side of the divide will surely accept it as the least appalling compromise and allow it to pass.

There is one other possibility. If it doesn’t pass, or May ignores it even if it does, on 10 April the PM (if she still is PM) will have a binary choice of her own. Revoke Article 50. Or by inaction enable no deal.

It would be a choice between destroying her party and wrecking her country.

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You needn’t suspect that she’d opt for the latter to gauge the horror of this dystopian hellscape. Nor need you know that a DUP MP plotted with an ERG MP (both sadly unnamed) last week to steal the mace – in the absence of which the Commons cannot sit – to guarantee we crashed out last Friday. They couldn’t discover where it is stored overnight, and the plan died an untimely death.

Gorgeous vignette of the madness of the moment though that is, it will warrant barely a footnote in the histories of tomorrow.