An excerpt from Nine Months in Captivity: A Fetal Memoir by T.B.A. Williamson, formerly incarnated as Brigadier General Josiah “Bucky” Warshaw, U.S.M.C.Are you over 35 and considering having your first baby? Read on!We must not let these pregnant women get away with enjoying themselves.You can keep your innocent baby from taking after that no-goodnik he/she will call "Father."Everything that's wrong with your life is all your mother's fault.Did you know? In other countries, women get pregnant and have babies.Want to learn more about your baby's astrologically-destined personality? It's all here!How to tolerate your www.x-fucker.com partner's need for love when you can't fucking stand to be near him.Your partner wants to be deeply involved in your pregnancy! Put him in the nausea simulator, quick!Should you panic about H1N1?More than you can even imagine.There are all manner of seemingly benign foods that are in fact incredibly dangerous to your helpless, helpless baby. For example, coffee will cross the placenta and cause your baby to grow a thick, hairy pelt.Sixth Month: You Think You Can't Possibly Get Any Bigger? Hilarious! Did you know that now that you're in your sixth month, you're a delusional, pants-wetting heartburn sufferer?Our Customizable Birth Plan Just throw this at the first orderly you see and start pushing!Quiz: What Are They Thinking?What does the president of Francethink of you?Surviving Bed RestMake your own counterweight trebuchet!Non-Pregnancy-Related Trivia You Can Discuss with Your Non-Pregnant FriendsApparently those jerks want to talk about something other than the miracle growing inside you.What to Look For in a PediatricianWill you choose the attachment-parenting advocate, or the attachment-loathing automaton?Who's Going to Catch That Baby?Wait -- do you evena birth philosophy?Ask Dr. Bradley and Dr. Kennedy!"I am worried that after I have my baby my husband will cheat on me."It Really Happened! Delilah's Discovery"I told her that vomit was one of Nature’s ways of telling me I was with child."

and we couldn't be prouder to be providing the world with all the free sex websites made-up pregnancy and parenting advice that it so desperately needs.Available at these fine online retailers:AmazonBarnes & NobleBooks-a-MillionBordersIndieBoundOverstock.comPowell'sWalMartSome people don't understand why you'd want to make a trailer for a book, but we are living proof Bang Some Chicks that you don't need a reason to do it, you just need a good idea. Click here to see our enlightening new video, narrated by Orson Welles!

Let's Panic About Children! We've said it before: children can be disgusting. But let's not put all the blame on them. They leave behind them a wake of trash, crust, and soiled linen, which is also disgusting.



In this video, Alice opens up her home to us, the Internet, so that we may reflect on what it means to live with a child. The highs, the lows, the joys, the sorrows, and the armpits.



(And then we can talk about the horrible things that come out of her cat.)



Sponsored by Clorox.



Hey! You can go to "Bleach it Away" to share your messy moments! You might win prizes! Come on! Did your twins simultaneously vomit on your brand-new sweater set? Is the smell coming from your teenager's room enough to have you calling the Catholic church about an exorcism? Tell them everything!







Why Borderline Hysteric Southern Mothers Are Superior



Throughout the years, many of my peers inquired as to how I produced such a talented, emotionally interesting writer of stage-tales. “What could Edwina have done,” they wondered, gazing in fascination as I swanned about town, “to so utterly complexify her child? Surely there are simple shortcuts I could take so that my child can be famous and adored and suicidal?”



But when they came around for a glass of sweet tea and to hear how I kept my boy off-kilter and confounded much of his young life, they blanched (pun intended!) and fled. Now, I mean no offense, but I am sincerely dubious that any of you stable, emotionally mature specimens reading this wouldn't have done the same. Raising a haunted, self-destructive play-wright is not the pretty little hobby it sounds like! Here’s a mere sampling of what my baby boy was protected from:



Want to know more? You'll have to go here!

By The Ghost of Edwina Williams, mother of Tennessee Williams. From her book, The Sunday-Service Hymn of the Bobcat Mother.Throughout the years, many of my peers inquired as to how I produced such a talented, emotionally interesting writer of stage-tales. “What could Edwina have done,” they wondered, gazing in fascination as I swanned about town, “to so utterly complexify her child? Surely there are simple shortcuts I could take so that my child can be famous and adored and suicidal?”But when they came around for a glass of sweet tea and to hear how I kept my boy off-kilter and confounded much of his young life, they blanched (pun intended!) and fled. Now, I mean no offense, but I am sincerely dubious that any of you stable, emotionally mature specimens reading this wouldn't have done the same. Raising a haunted, self-destructive play-wright is not the pretty little hobby it sounds like! Here’s a mere sampling of what my baby boy was protected from:

Some Let's Panic About Parenthood Favorites!



Click here to see our picks for the best summer camps available.



Let an 11-year-old save your goddamn marriage.



What can we learn from today's celebrimoms? Click here to discover the beauty secrets of the stars!



Panic is underrated, but so is blame. So why shouldn't the responsible parties face the shame they deserve for ruining your life?



Worried about your baby’s behavior? You should be.



Which baby products do you *really* need? Click here to find out!



Can you take your baby to a bar? Well . . .



10 Things Not to Say to Your Child -- “I’m going to bend over, you look and tell me if I missed a spot.”



How do you communicate to your child that you still love him but don't approve of his behavior? With these simple non-yelling suggestions!



Halloween costumes you should have made the effort to wear this year, for the sake of your child.



Incorporate exercise into every minute of your day! OR DIE TRYING.



Your Post-Childbirth Vagina: Get To Know It!

Brace yourself for the most graphic post-birth images you've ever seen.



Camouflaging Your Postpartum Figure

Do you need mirrors? A sandwich board? YES. YOU DO.



Interpreting Your Baby's Cries

What's that sound coming out of Baby's face-hole?



Baby's Here! Your Life is Over

Look, now that you have the baby, you'll have to take care of it for the next few months at least, so why not make the best of it?



Figuring Out What Baby Really Needs

Force your sleep-deprived eyes open — your baby is trying to tell you something!



Do's and Don'ts for Discussing Childbirth

Get ready to sugar-coat your birth stories!



Q & A with Dr. Bradley

Show that baby who's boss!

