It strikes me, in these dark times, that the one thing that will keep us all sane is a well thought out list of our possible ins and outs this summer.

So, with all the correct implements – calculator, Rothmans football book, Shoot annuals 1978-1985, a tattered copy of the Roy of the Rovers when Roy loses his leg, four bananas, a large pot of coffee, two mobile phones (naturally) and an opium pipe that would have Sherlock Holmes keening with envy – here is the definitive Arsenal transfer list for 2011-12.

PLAYERS OUT

All of them apart. Not fit to wear the shirt. A disgrace. Slackers. None of them care anyway. If they’re not overweight and standing around they’re falling out of nightclubs with their pants falling down, showing off their leopard-skin briefs. A bunch of molly-coddled fancy-dans and grandstanders with all the backbone of a jellyfish.

Frankly, before selling them we should get Tonya Harding to have at their knees with a metal pipe or cut one of their ears off so their sense of balance is permanently destroyed. Did you know van Gogh listed to one side like an overburdened ship? He did you know.

Money raised: Bazillion million squillion pounds + infinity

PLAYERS IN

Goalkeepers:

Hans van Schlepenhorscht (FC Twente) – has had a brilliant season in the Eredivisie, conceding just 2 goals in the one game he played.

Iker Casillas – back up, is getting on now anyway, if we had any ambition this is exactly what we’d do

Manuel Neuer – back up to the back up, is German, Lehmann can convince him. Convince him right in the face.

Defenders:

Christer Simba – Swedish/Burkina Faso defender, 7’2″ tall, wins a lot of headers, and has quite a good touch for a big man. Is so much the centre-half that Arsenal need would not even required a partner, can do the job of two men.

Fred Chuzzlewitt – up and coming English centre-half, plays for Bloodstock Rovers, we may have to pay fourteen times what he’s actually worth but it’ll be worth it to add some good old fashioned English spine to the team. We must overlook the fact he’s not that good at football.

Roberto Carlos II – cloned in a Google lab this 22 year old version of the former Real Madrid and Brazil star is up for grabs when you sign-up for Google’s latest social networking failure. Would be miles better than that Clinchy.

Midfielders

Jordi de Gracia – incredibly gifted Barcelona based midfielder, great vision, incredible eye for a pass, hard working, commited, scores goals, the ultimate playmaker. Slight problem, is only three. However, we must learn from the Cesc situation, if we get him over at such an early age he may never remember his natural parents and will see Wenger and Gazidis as his mummy and daddy.

Jardin Warning – young Belgian winger who has it all. Eyes, ears, mouth, noses, feet, most of his toes. Currently playing in Ligue 2 but thanks to Facebook and Twitter is now the most sought after player in world football by people who base their knowledge of football on Facebook and Twitter. Recently signed a contract extension but should be available for about £50m. If we had any ambition etc etc.

Scott Modlicote – journeyman midfielder, has scratched around the mid-table clubs and, as a big fish in a small pond, has done terribly well. Terribly, terribly well. Very popular with journalists. Has tried to make the step up to a top four team in the past, but has been found wanting. Dashing haircut. The answer to all our midfield problems.

Goffo Lumberini – Italian defensive midfielder, gets really, really defensive when you question his mama’s pasta sauce, imagine how well that would translate to the Premier League. Could join the list of great Italian midfielders to make it in the English game like … erm … and … yeah … him. Currently injured until 2013 but will be available for a bargain busting price because of it.

Forwards

Zlatan Ibrahimovich – wherever he goes the team wins the title. Even if we don’t play him we should spend a lot of money on him because he’s a trophy magnet. Any ambition etc etc

Karim Abdul-Jabenzeman – if there’s anything Arsenal need it’s another mercurial Frenchman who, while talented, has a tendency to perform just enough to stop you writing him off. Example: “That Abdul-Jabenzeman looks a right lazy cunt, oh, he’s just scored a hat-trick …”. Subsequent runs of games where he doesn’t score serve only to tease the opposition and the fans.

Mick Bendtnooooor – The greatest striker that ever lived. He’s better than Maradonaaaaa, Gary Linekooorrrrr, Gerd Mullooorrrrrr and Malcolm Christie. If Wegner doesn’t sign him he can fuck off back to Alsalcia.

Moo-Moo Toure – the latest and greatest in the Toure family, scored 87 goals in the Belgian league last summer. We had him on trial two years ago but decided to sign Emmanuel Eboue’s brain damaged cousin, Adegoke, instead.

Promotions

All these signings would be supplemented by the promotion of our very many and varied youth talents. Including Joe Ebonics-Thompson (has got wicked skillz and has a car which all the girls love, forget the fact he’s 23 now and runs less than Arshavin), Kendo Nagasaki (Japanese wonderkid with real pace and the power to hypnotise defenders as he goes past) and Craig Winthrop II (sure, he’s best known for sending around pictures of his cock on MySpace but could easily be as good as David Hillier if given the chance).

If Arsenal buy all those players and promote those and make Tony Adams and Steve Bould and Martin Keown and Nigel Winterburn and Lee Dixon and George Graham the defensive coach and get a new number 2 like Louis van Gaal or Louis from Interview with a Vampire or Guus Hiddink and a new manager then they will actually win so many trophies they’d have to invent a new trophy just for the other teams to stay interested.

Of course we wont, but if we had any ambition etc etc.

But we don’t.