Ostrich well spoken alabama woman.jpg

The well-spoken and intelligent woman who is apparently determined to ruin Alabama's image.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.

A well-spoken, intelligent woman who claimed to be from Alabama was seen ruining the state's reputation earlier today.

According to eyewitnesses, the woman brazenly told complete strangers that she hailed from Alabama, a state that has seen its already tarnished image be further marred by outrageous government scandals this year.

"We didn't believe her at first. She seemed so normal," recalled Dave Collins, a resident of Massachusetts, where the Alabama woman has been seen walking upright on two legs like an evolved human being. "If it weren't for the accent, you'd think she's just like the rest of us up here."

Sources say the unknown Alabamian spoke to numerous people throughout the day, and that at no point did she launch into an offensive diatribe against any particular person or group. Her compassion for others and ability to think objectively was a sharp contrast from the image of Alabama constantly portrayed in the national media.

"It really made me wonder if there are others like her down there," added Collins. "I almost get the feeling that Alabama is full of people like this, but a couple of loud-mouth idiots seem to ruin it for everyone."

Despite her persistent claims to be from Alabama, some skeptics remained. One disbeliever, Maria Bouchard, forced the woman to take an incredibly flawed and offensive litmus test.

"I simply asked her what was the name of her trailer park and when was the last time she took the Christmas lights off her double-wide," stated Bouchard. "She failed miserably. This girl will have to work on her back story if she wants to fool me."

At press time, the Alabama woman was trying to explain to the outsiders that labeling an entire population of people based on the actions of a few misguided individuals was actually pretty offensive, and that their continued belittling of a large and diverse group of individuals was effectively nullifying their claims of moral superiority. She also added one, "bless your heart," to the speech for good measure.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich.]