Chapter Text

Ancap realized. He stopped on his tracks, dropping the tiny metallic spoon he had just been using to stir his coffee and staring at the wall before him in silent horror.

His roommates were really fucking gay. For each other. Holy shit. Holy shit.

He calmed himself down a bit and reminisced the events once more , with this new found knowledge fresh in his mind. It started as a normal night for him, Nazi had gone to bed at 21:00 like the grandpa he is and Ancap had finished eating his third grilled cheese sandwich of the day.

“You should start eating healthier. I’m pretty sure humans can’t live only out of bread, butter and cheese” Ancom said, eyebrows raised in both admiration and disbelief. Qui was waiting for the popcorn to be ready.

“And I’m pretty sure humans can’t handle all the drugs you take in a day, but here we are.” he replied, while leaving the plate on the sink for another person to wash (Tankie, most likely).

Ancom looked up and opened quis mouth as if wanting to refute that statement but nothing came out. Qui was left looking like a fish out of the water. Ancap cackled at the thought and the other anarchist glared in response, with a face that said I-would-kill-you-but-you-owe-me-money-so-you’re-safe-for-now. Most of their interactions went like this. It’s essentially a practiced routine by now.

“Ah, by the way, I use the dinner table to work,” he said “so just ignore me.” Qui took the popcorn bowl and gave him a short thumbs up before leaving the room. Tankie and quem had decided to watch a movie today. They already had this tradition apparently, but the smell of pot in Ancoms’ bedroom had become too intense for Tankie to handle anymore, so they moved to the living room.

That was the fatal mistake. Witnessing the whole ordeal.

As he settled in the table like he usually did, he saw from the corner of his eye how Tankies comfortable posture on the couch shifted as soon as his friend sat very close to him, practically resting on his lap and making his whole body tense up and his ears turn red. In that moment, Ancap didn't give it a second thought, and began working on his passion project: Ancapistan.

Right about 1 AM, the Idiots© had started bickering in whispers over something or the other, when suddenly they went quiet. Ancap was tired already, and he felt his eyelids collapse, but his body kept moving. In hindsight, he should’ve probably left the room at this point, because they were getting closer and closer and why the fuck didn't he process this earlier was he really that tired I mean what the fuck they were literally about to kiss and he only realized this the next goddamn day oh god. They must have finally noticed his presence, because they quickly moved away, both flustered and scarlet red even under the dim light of the television, the movie playing in it long forgotten.

The tension in that moment could’ve been cut with a kitchen knife, but they slowly went back to normalcy, or at least, to faking it.

Ancaps notes were getting messier and messier as the night went on. He normally wasn’t this dedicated to… anything really, but Ancapistan was an exception of course. He called it “The One Thing Keeping Me Sane”. A land where every man can be a king! (not in an anarcho-monarchist way, that guy is quite literally wack) (and also fuck the poor).

The last thing Ancap remembers from that late night before going to his room and collapsing on the bed was Tankie drowsily allowing Ancom to, and I shit you not, play with his fucking hair. Tankie, the scary, intimidating Russian accent guy, the man that looked like he could open a skull with his bare hands, was letting himself be pet like a dog (more accurately, like a bear, considering his height). Ancap would’ve laughed at the situation, hadn’t the realization that his friends/enemies/allies were whipped for one another rushed over him like cold water.

So. What now? Whatever shall he do with this cursed information? Part of him wanted to use it to blackmail the shit out of Ancom just for the heck of it, but he actually felt a bit of pity for them. I mean, their pining was so embarrassing and terribly obvious. He absolutely wasn’t considering helping their hopeless asses and he absolutely wasn’t interested in doing so either.

Nope. That’s some commie shit. No. This was none of his business and as much as he secretly enjoyed chick flicks and scheming around in other peoples shit, they would find the idea of him helping them with their love lives abhorrent. It was no use.

However, a tad of mingling here and there wouldn’t hurt anyone, much less his own pride. Just innocently asking out of sheer curiosity and then leaving them to figure it out by themselves. That’s it. That was all he wanted to do. Nothing more.

Ancap left his seat and went to see if he could catch one of them alone. You know, just to talk. Normally, Tankie went grocery shopping for them but since he had gotten sick of “doing everything in this household” it was Ancaps turn. It was not very late, so perhaps he could catch the older man before he went on his daily jog, talk with him, then wake up the other anarchist and drag quem with him to the store. Flawless plan, of course.

Except it wasn’t.

As it turns out, Tankie had left for his jog extra early that day, which, while not unusual, made Ancap suspect it had something to do with the flirty acts of yesterday.

Tankie was the type to run from his problems when he had no idea how to deal with them, literally and metaphorically. The russian was in love with order and precision, and Ancom was anything but. He couldn't wrap his head around the idea of Ancom being all romantic, much less around the idea of quem being all romantic with Tankie. The leftists were close friends sure, but they still fought quite a bit. Even he and Nazi didn't bicker that often. He wondered if those differences would destroy their relationship before it even started.

By the time he remembered he was holding it, the coffee had gone cold.