Bernie Sanders Struggling To Stay Six Feet Away From Americans' Wallets

WASHINGTON, D.C.—You might think middle- and lower-class Americans are hardest hit by social distancing and lockdown orders, but you'd be wrong. Those suffering the most are American politicians, who have been having quite a bit of trouble staying six feet away from citizens' wallets.

Bernie Sanders was hardest hit by CDC guidelines, as he struggled to stay away from Americans' wallets, purses, and checkbooks.

"These guidelines are ridiculous!" he shouted while feeding pigeons at the park, as old people are prone to do. "How am I supposed to steal money to buy another hou -- err, I mean, to give some of it to the 99% -- when I can't even get within six feet of anyone? It's impossible!"

Sanders tried using a makeshift fishing rod, casting it out toward purses left on park benches and reeling it back in. "You know, this is kind of relaxing," he admitted after a few hours patiently fishing for Americans' money. "Maybe when I retire, I'll sell the ol' lake house and just camp out here, whittling away the end of my days with some quiet money fishing."

Eventually, though, he got frustrated and just ordered his servants to do it.

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