By Max Cherney

When I lived in the Mission, I used to have a parking prayer: “I wish I may, I wish I might find a safe parking spot tonight.” That’s because parking on the street in San Francisco is the worst. Not only because it feels like there’s never street parking when you need it, but also because when you find that precious spot, there are a thousand different rules you have to follow — curbing your wheels, marathon street closures, street cleaning, residential time limits, Giants games street closures, meters, permits, double parking, loading zones. Oh my.

So, after I met an SFMTA Parking Control Officer randomly at a bar earlier this year, I was excited — in a full-on nerd way — that he agreed to get buzzed over a couple beers, and let me pick his brain about parking in San Francisco. He asked to remain anonymous for this story, but here is what we talked about.

Parking in a bus stop is probably the riskiest thing you can do

Don’t park at a bus stop — ever. An increasing number of Muni busses are being equipped with cameras, and all it takes is pulling over for a couple of seconds right before a bus shows up. That’ll cost you $271.

Common parking misunderstandings

Residential enforcement zones. When it comes to parking on any street where there’s a big capital letter with a green circle around it, if you don’t have a permit, you can’t just move your car across the street, or a few spaces down. You have to move your car onto a different numerical block when your time is up.

SF Giants game signs. They’re extremely complex, but if you come across a sign with a color-coded calendar, basically check to see if it’s a home game day, and if it is, don’t park there.

Just because you’ve seen someone else do it, doesn’t mean you aren’t going to get a ticket. The dude stressed this point.

Remember that anything that has to do with parking is a human concern — there’s lots of room for ambiguity, and meter maids are taught to understand that there’s a difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law.

Just because you see people double parking on Dolores Street, doesn’t mean you can do that too. The SFMTA doesn’t enforce double parking outside churches and synagogues, on specific holidays — but not every day.

Driveway blocking is only enforced when a complaint is called in.

How to avoid a ticket if you’re unsure, especially at large events

People steal temporary no parking signs — for example, at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass — all the time. But the cars get towed anyway once the signs are replaced, or tow trucks are called. To recover the cost of a tow, make sure to take a picture of the parking space, and document as much evidence as possible that it’s legal to park there.

Make sure that there also aren’t any trees blocking your view of the parking signs. On Illinois St., for example, apparently there are a bunch of trees that make the signs hard to see.

Even if a meter takes your money, double check that it’s OK to park there. Some of the older meters will accept cash no matter what.

If you’re actually there when a parking enforcement officer is going to hand out a citation, it possible that if you move your car and correct the problem, you probably won’t get a ticket. If you’re not a jerk.

What tricks to get out of a ticket don’t work?

Faking an obstructed meter. Shoving a piece of paper into the slot will not convince the SFMTA that it’s broken, and if a meter maid can pull it out, you’ll get a ticket if you didn’t feed the meter. Also, even if there’s a plastic bag over the meter, don’t assume it’s broken. Check to see if it actually is — you can get a ticket if it’s functioning.

Any tips for dealing with a ticket?

It’s pretty obvious. Don’t yell and scream, or be aggressive. Also, the “I was just leaving” excuse gets old to meter maids pretty fast.

Also, don’t be this dude: “A guy had parked his car in front of an intersection ramp, blocking people from using it and making them go around, into traffic — it was a busy street. I saw a woman pushing a stroller with twins, and she had to risk her kids in the traffic lane. That’s when I decided to give him a ticket. As I was finishing up the citing the guy comes out of the coffee shop, coffee in hand, and tells me that he was just leaving. I gave him the ticket.”

On getting your car towed.

If you show up before the tow truck driver is there, and you can move the car, you can avoid the $500 tow fee. You’ll still get the ticket, though.

What about curbing your wheels?

Technically you’re supposed to curb your wheels if a hill’s grade is greater than three percent. Meter maids actually don’t carry around a grade-measuring tool, they rely on maps that the planning department created years ago — and according to my source, many don’t carry them around. Usually, he told me, he just eyeballs a grade.

Nonetheless, the general advice he offers is: “Curb that wheel, even if the grade looks small. You get in the habit, and then you don’t need to think about it.”

Anyone from SoCal pay attention to this.

The California Vehicle Code says that you must have a front license plate on your vehicle. But in SoCal, that’s not enforced. Here, the SFMTA has instructed its meter maids to hand out tickets for that. It usually applies to European imports that are often not designed to display a front plate — the CHP and SFPD can give you a ticket for that too, if they feel like it.

Also, don’t put your plates on your dashboard. It’s also a violation.

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Photo by Davity Dave/Flickr