In his book, The Art of Loving, the famous social philosopher Erich Fromm described “self-love” as knowing oneself, caring about oneself, and respecting oneself. After the decades of self-improvement and individualism based on external standards, self-care and emotional regulation seem to be the new trend of 2020. After years of no pain no gain mentality we learned that self-care is not just about eating well, exercising and taking a bubble bath.

Now we know self-love is often about not letting yourself feel discomfort in situations you could probably endure it. It is choosing yourself over obligations, someone else’s rules, and your critical voice.

Society told women for centuries that their worth depended on their relationships, that they were naturally inclined to look after other people, that they were great subordinates but not quite suitable for leadership. Our agency has been taken from us and we had to fight for at least some of it. We were told to search for our value outside our minds and bodies. Now, in most Western countries, women have the pressure of the traditional roles as well as the professional ones. Duties and competitions seem to never end. This adds a lot of stress and leads to perfectionism, a pattern that doesn’t do you any good. We changed the environment but not our focus until recently. Doing the work on the inside — developing compassion, acceptance, and gratitude for your uniqueness is as important if not more important than the outside work we already do.

This is why self-love is a feminist issue:

When you love yourself and you know you are enough, you are less likely to spend money to achieve someone else’s life or beauty standards

As Naomi Wolf stated in The beauty myth, “Women who love themselves are threatening”. They question the system that wants them to spend their already limited resources in beauty practices that do not work or that are based on fear rather than on self-love. Instead of dying your hair when you don’t want to, you will probably take a day trip or a massage session. You will not buy the 100$ cream because the consultant at the shop pointed out your wrinkles. You will skip that workout because you are tired and you won’t feel guilty about it. You will listen to your body and your desires and this is one of the most feminist things you could do.

Also, your physical and mental health will benefit from it. A recent study showed that photo manipulation on social media is linked to depressive symptoms in women. There are links between our self-esteem and our wellbeing. The feminist perspective pursues our health and safety too.

by Juan Camilo Navia (Unsplash)

By knowing your boundaries and desires you can create relationships built upon love, not fear

You will walk away from toxic relationships because you know your worth. You will choose people who make you feel good about yourself, people you can be vulnerable with, those who appreciate your true self. This is what feminism is about too.

When you know your worth, you are not afraid to occupy that space. You will ask for a promotion. You will tell that coworker he’s mansplaining you right now. You will be more confident and all your relationships will benefit from it. The relationships that won’t keep the pace will probably dismantle to create space for new, more authentic ones. It will be a difficult path but you will eventually feel better at the end of the day.

When you love yourself you don’t have to compete with other women

For centuries it was difficult for women to provide for themselves. Little Women movie shows it very well. Back then competition with other women for men’s attention was very common. In our society the glass ceiling still does exist, but we have many more resources we can draw on and competition between women only holds us back. The deep reasons of this rivalry are lack of confidence and insecurity. When we learn to see the world from the feminist perspective, we would rather extend a helping hand to a sister who struggles. This network of acceptance and deep connections eventually leads to a better understanding of other women and ourselves too and creates many more opportunities for all the women involved in it.

In a world that marginalizes you and wants you to care about others and not about yourself, in a society that wants you to hate yourself, self-love is an act of radical courage. When you turn your love inwards, you can recharge, restore, heal your wounds, you can have more resources to dedicate to yourself and you can thrive and live a better life. This is what feminism wants for you. And you totally deserve it.

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