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Australia’s struggling Member for Newstart has today revealed that things are so crook he can’t even smoke his favourite Peter Jackson milds anymore.

The former Deputy PM says he knows as a young father it’s probably time to put away the coffin nails and either quit or start vaping, but when the going gets tough – you can really struggle to give up the darts.

This follows the a news flutter that has seen Barnaby ridiculed by both sides of politics, and both the poor and rich – after he revealed that his financial woes are similar to that of jobseekers and pensioners.

Joyce told reporters that he feels the pain of those on payments such as NewStart because he, too, finds it difficult to get by on his salary – a mere $212,000 per annum.

While Barnaby is yet to clarify whether or not he has given up having kids, he has made it clear that he’s stretching things so thin that the concept of giving up smokes almost feels impossible.

“Nicorette gum is off the table, financially.” said Barnaby.



“Quitting the smokes is a medical issue, and I don’t have the disposable income to do it as well as someone on as much money, as say, Scomo”

“For me, it’s cheaper to start smoking the 16 milligram Horizons than it is to actually quit.

“Which is what I’ve started doing. They are fucking rough”



“It takes me back to my labouring days with all the ex-cons out at Dirranbandi.”

Joyce says that after a few weeks fucking up his throat on the Horizon Reds, he now has a newfound sympathy for White Ox smokers, and anyone else unfortunate enough to be on less than 211k a year.