You don’t need me to tell you that white people are feeling overly emboldened these days. It’s 2018 and the whites are out here being whiter than ever: watching Young Sheldon, calling the cops on black people for ordering cake pops, listening to Florida Georgia Line, giving Bret Stephens paid work, and such and such. And perhaps nowhere is that gall more evident than in their continued desecration of the Social Security baby-name database. I have been on the baby-name beat for the better portion of this decade, and lemme tell you, America: The problem is only getting worse. If this pace keeps up, we WILL have a President Brayden within the next decade. He will slash capital-gains taxes with impunity and have protestors deported for looking at him funny.

Now, you might think this little rant of mine is the product of white guilt…that I am disassociating myself from my fellow Caucasians by “virtue signaling” to the rest of the world that I do not approve of naming your child Oaklyn. People, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am here because I CARE about my white people, and I come about my whiteboy credentials honestly. I went to prep school. I own a Cuisinart (I even use it once every two years!). I listen to the Gin Blossoms while inebriated. You will not out-white me, I assure you. I am not here to disavow the whites. I am here to SAVE my fellow whites from themselves.

Because look at the fastest-growing baby names in America today, as tallied by the SSA and provided to me by fellow concerned citizen @Darth_Stout. The regular baby-name list is stocked with standard future lacrosse players like Mason and Logan and Ava and Amelia. I think we’re all used to those aforementioned babies lounging peacefully inside a Bugaboo double-wide as a deranged Park Slope jogging mom rolls right over your Boston Terrier. But the fast risers are another matter. Look at this fucking list and tell me we are trending, as a society, in the right direction. YOU CANNOT. Allow me to break a few of them down in detail:

BOYS

Kairo (up 423 spots). Regular Cairo is also on this list, but somehow the bastardized Kairo is even more popular because K. As you are about to see, there are so many K names on this stupid list that even Roger Clemens is begging for more restraint.

Kace (up 315 spots). We’re long past people naming their children after jobs (Tailor, Sailor, Racer, Accountant). The hot thing now is to name your child after an object, but then switching up a few letters to Mountain Dew-ify the name by at least 20 percent. Hence, Kace. Coming soon: Hammyr, Gunn, and Trukk.

Kashton (up 302 spots). Another goddamn K. If you would like to seal your child’s fate as a mid-level YouTube star, here is the name for you.

Jaxxon (up 214 spots). I openly refuse to believe anyone actually named their child this, and that this is actually just an error in the SSA database. There’s no legitimate reason to want to name your child like you’re naming the boss in a discount SNES game. “Oh wow, I finally beat Jaxxon on Level 12 of Congo’s Caper!”

Ledger (up 205 spots). I like The Dark Knight as much as anyone, and I’m heartened that LETO isn’t among the fast risers here. But the name HEATH is right there for you if you really want to project your generic fanboyism onto some poor child for life. “Allow me to introduce you to my other son, MisterBlonde…”