When someone comes into essentially requesting a major mental and emotional overhaul, I typically warn them that we’ll be doing a lot of work. That is, if we’re to accomplish a major transformation in their , they’ll need to revisit many of the times and places where their painfully felt insecurities and self-doubts originated. And what such an undertaking almost always involves is exploring instances of past shaming, , and assorted abuse—reaching all the way back to early . For the unflattering ways they see themselves in the present probably have mostly to do with how they were dealt with much earlier. Or more accurately, how they interpreted their treatment as, seemingly, reflecting their lack of , competence, or .

It’s certainly reasonable to ask why it’s generally necessary for them to return to their most distressing (read, most emotionally painful) experiences in order to be healed from them. But the answer is actually quite simple: If we’re to put behind us whatever harmful mental/emotional residue may yet be entrapped in our most hurtful memories, they need to be reviewed—and reevaluated—from a whole new perspective. For the unfavorable meanings we earlier ascribed to them were most likely distorted (and maybe grossly so). Inevitably, our conclusions were based on an egocentric thought process that, though age-appropriate, couldn’t really incorporate the possibility that how we were being treated revealed as much, or more, about the person(s) interacting with us than it did about ourselves.

In other words, when we were growing up the negative ways we came to view ourselves may, regrettably, have had almost everything to do with how we thought others (especially our caretakers) were viewing us. We lacked the cognitive development—or maturity—to question just how legitimate their authority to judge us truly was.

After all, how could we be expected to evaluate the comparative blameworthiness of our behavior totally apart from others' possibly over-critical assessment—particularly since they may have been much bigger and older than we were? Yet such a circumstance hardly implies that their appraisals of us were thereby judicious, compassionate, or wise. But in our dependent state we could hardly bestow on ourselves as much authority as we felt obliged to give to them. And so, however harsh or unfair their judgment of us may have been, we "surrendered" to it.

There’s a sense in which, regardless of age, we’re all burdened by toxic “psychic debris” from the past—whether it’s nagging concerns about being smart enough, lovable enough, or good enough in general. Feeling secure and confident in every imaginable situation may be something we all wish for, but comparatively few of us have reached such a level of . And, as I’ve already expressed, the residual doubts about ourselves that may continue to plague us usually can be traced back to deficits in our childhood upbringing.

As a psychologist, much of the work I do is helping individuals come into, and embrace, their own personal power: To at last take on the authority of being the sole judge of themselves—and, of course, to do so with far greater compassion, acceptance, and understanding than was previously the case. Not to mention, themselves for the not particularly admirable things they may have been guilty of when they were driven either by irresistible impulses or by totally justifiable needs that they didn’t know how to address more responsibly (i.e., without manipulation or ). For if, bit by bit, they’re to “recreate” their self-image, it’s essential that they get in touch with how their younger self erroneously construed the messages others were giving them—whether they came from their parents, siblings, peers, teachers, neighbors . . . or whomever.

An exceptionally astute therapist by the name of David Grove once opined that “if you were wounded as a child, you need to be healed as a child.” And this viewpoint hints at some of the limitations of such symptom-oriented therapies as (adult-to-adult) —as well as suggesting the potentially inestimable value of engaging in what’s commonly called “inner child work.”

As an therapist, before helping clients resolve emotionally charged, painful memories from the past, I take care to “transport” their child self into the present. And this is done through prompting them to access both the emotions and, just as importantly, the physical sensations that arise when they’re courageous enough to let themselves fully “re-identify” with their wounded child self’s disturbing memories. Having them confront this past distress head-on—the disconcerting, demoralizing, or even remnants of which still reside in them physically—offers them (or rather, the child parts of them) the opportunity to appreciate these harmful experiences anew, and in a much more beneficial way. And participating in this process can transform how earlier they’d come to perceive themselves as a result of such troubling experiences.

My descriptions of this method are necessarily condensed, though you can certainly learn more about such therapeutic orientations through the Internet. Besides EMDR, there are many other inner child approaches, including Lifespan Integration, Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy, , and Grovian Metaphor Therapy. And depending on the depth and breadth of your own possible wounding, as well as the strength of your ego, you may be able to begin this inner work on your own. Unquestionably, there are many books that attempt to show you how to rectify deficits in your self-image (e. ., Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro [founder of EMDR] and Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young). In some respects at least—if only because so many of our institutions (family, school, organized religion, etc.) can have an abusive effect on us—we’re all somewhere in the ranks of the walking wounded.

So I’d invite you to ask yourself whether you might have painful memories from the past that, because of the residual , anger, or sorrow they’re still likely to evoke in you, you’ve consciously decided not to revisit. For, whether with yourself, a trusted friend, or a professional therapist, I’d suggest you consider allowing yourself to go back to the source(s) of what may, however indirectly, continue to be causing you grief. Such a willingness could end up being the greatest gift you’ve ever given to yourself. If you can truly desensitize yourself from old emotional afflictions—and reprocess the negative, self- deprecating meanings you earlier attributed to them—you can emerge from such an experience a much healthier, and happier, person.

Assuming you’re confident that you have the inner resources to do so, it’s well worth opening yourself up to past pains. For you really can’t transcend these old emotional/mental disturbances without first facing up to them once and for all. Ironically, personally “volunteering” to expose your adult self to the vestiges of old hurts, in order to perform the wondrous task of what I’ll call transformational psychosurgery, is the secret to becoming the most powerful person that’s inside you to be. And this is a person who’s healed—and integrated—their till now “abandoned” child self. . . . And done so, it might be added, “painstakingly.”

Note 1: If this post “spoke” to you and you think it might to other you know as well, please consider passing on its link.

Note 2: If you’re interested in checking out other posts I’ve done for Psychology Today online—on a broad variety of topics—check here.

Note 3: Here are some titles of (and links for) posts I’ve done for PT that complement—or “flesh out”—the present one:

“From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing” (Part 2 of 3)

“The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance”

“Bonding vs. Bondage: What We Learn from Our Parents”

“The ‘I Feel Like a Child’ Syndrome”

“Why Criticism Is So Hard to Take (Part 1)”

“Childhood Origins of Gullibility (Part 2)”

“The ‘Programming’ of Self-Sabotage” (Part 3 of 5)”

“Child Self? Adult Self?—Who’s Running the Show?”

“The Past: Don’t Dwell on It, Revision It! (Part 2)”

“Grade Your Parents! The 10 Crucial Criteria”

“Why We All Need a Fairy Godmother”

“How Do You Know What’s Good Enough?”

“Do You Need to Be Liberated from Your Past?”

“Nine Ways Your Old Programming May Be Holding You Hostage”

© 2015 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

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