So… You’ve Had a Baby…

Let me be the first person to extend a congratulations to you! You have succeeded in creating life! That may sound incredible to you, because it is a new experience. However, I feel it’s important to go ahead and remove some of the mystique that surrounds the act of having a child.

I understand that having a child seems like a miracle. But, the reality is that giving birth is stunningly common. In fact, it happens about 350,000 times every day!

Apparently, this picture of “miracles” was taken in a very segregated region?

Do you still feel special? What if I told you that humans aren’t the only ones that give birth? There are literally millions of births that occur every single day on this planet. So, reproduction is not exactly a scientific wonder.

Okay, so You’re Pretty Ordinary

Now that we’ve established that having a baby doesn’t make you special, we can proceed with the rest of this article.

When you have a child, your priorities change (if you are striving to be a good parent anyway). They have to! You can no longer sit back and make decisions based solely on what you want, because you have a child to think about!

“Porn Night” is NOT an acceptable family activity.

Wanna catch a movie at midnight? Not likely. Your child has to be in bed. You could get a sitter, but the movies are already expensive! Plus, your budget is already tighter because you have a child!

So, you begin to mold your life around a child. You might start eating healthier. You may stop smoking. You make all kinds of sacrifices, because you want to be a good parent.

My Kid Obviously Matters to Everyone

There is an interesting cognitive bias in human behavior known as the false-consensus effect. At a basic level, it’s our amazing ability to assume that we are right and that the world does (or should) agree with us. Why? Because, “duh”!

This bias assumes a very aggressive form in parents. As a parent, you have begun to think of the importance of your child’s well-being as equal to (or greater than) your own. So, you assume that everyone feels the same way!

Your child obviously comes first! Are they screaming in a restaurant? Well, concessions must be made. Standing in line at a grocery store? Someone should let you go first! You have a child. Is your child being loud on a plane? Well, how dare anyone complain. Your kid can’t help it! They’re a child!

“Attention passengers! My child is hungry! Please surrender all peanuts and Biscoff cookies!”

It is hard for you to imagine that everyone doesn’t feel the same way about your precious snowflake. But, people have different opinions and yours is not inherently better just because you have a baby.

Smugness Sets In

Parents tend to surround themselves with other parents. This is due to a variety of factors. But mostly, it’s convenient to hang out with other parents, especially when their child is a suitable playmate for yours! After all, socialization is important. Not to mention, other parents are typically bound by similar constraints as you (bedtimes, schedules, etc.).

However, this leads to another bias that is often developed when surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals known as naïve realism. Essentially, this is the belief that you are capable of viewing the world objectively, without bias, and that anyone that disagrees with you is ignorant, irrational, or biased.

As a result, parents often smugly view childfree individuals as ignorant or immature. They view them as not knowing what life is really about and naturally assume that they will eventually come to “see the light” as they have. They view themselves as enlightened individuals who have come to truly understand life in a way that their childless counterparts have not. It is important to recognize that this newfound “knowledge” that you are experiencing is not wisdom. It is bias.

We are all biased to our own preferences, beliefs, and situations. You think that having kids is great because you have/want kids. I don’t. So, I view your situation as less-than-desirable. When a parent smugly says something like, “You’ll change your mind one day”, it either makes me laugh or cringe, because it is utterly ridiculous.

How I feel when people insist that I should have kids…

Obviously, parenthood brings some forms of wisdom. Assuming you are a good parent, raising a child will inevitably help you develop patience, empathy, trust, etc. But, that wisdom is not granted based on the fact that you had a baby (luckily for adopted parents). It is developed through the experiences that you have as a parent. And since it is based on your experiences (not your baby-making ability), it is also imperative that you realize that others can develop the same wisdom without children, through their own experiences.