Guys, can I tell you how conflicted I am about sitting down to watch this episode? Part of me is interested in seeing where this story goes, but an equal part is wondering how the hell they plan to salvage this when the whole show has been run off the rails. And notice I said “interested,” not “excited.” I’ve never not been excited for a premier with this show, so this blog is starting with a whole lot of “meh” and we’ll hope it gets better from there.

And away we go to Hyperion Heights . . .

We begin this episode with a tearful Regina bidding a grown-up Henry goodbye – and it is glaringly weird that only she sees him off. He’s leaving town for a long, long time, off to find his destiny, and Emma, Hook, Snow, Charming and Rumple are just home binge-watching Netflix or something? Please. And may I just say that the new haircut makes Jared Gilmore a serious heartthrob. And I still say they would have been smarter having his adult self played by Giles Matthey (Gideon) because they definitely favor each other.

Anyway, Henry throws one of those ever-elusive, oh-so-rare-and-difficult-to-find magic beans and zooms off in his magic motorcycle that never needs gas in the other realms.

Now we flash again to Seattle, where Henry is working as an Uberesque driver. He gets back to apartment 815 (of course) of course, and we once again see the ending snippet from last season, when little Lucy shows up to tell him she’s his daughter and he’s been cursed.

Henry is a struggling writer and that makes me like him already.

He had some success with his first book (which was apparently a bio about seasons 1-6 of the show) but is now struggling with his second. Lucy proceeds to info-dump every press release synopsis of the upcoming season and begs Henry to come and help save her mom, (a.k.a. Cinderella) from her evil stepmother in Hyperion Heights. She tells him his book was real life, and cursed Henry thinks she’s mental. Even though he was the one who let a strange, delusional kid into his apartment.

On we fly to Mr. Cluck’s (Oh please let us the owner be Anton under a curse!) in Hyperion Heights, where Jacinta (Cinderella) is in the process of quitting her minimum wage job after the manager behaves like a stereotypical a-hole fast food manager.

Flashback now to the alternate realm, where an inattentive Henry has crashed his motorcylce into Cinderella’s carriage, tossing her into a patch of hyacinth. Remember this kids, it’s important.

He offers her a ride on his motorcycle and she understandably balks at the idea of sixty miles an hour in a ballgown and showing up at a ball with bugs in her teeth and hair.

He gives her a crash course in how the motorcycle works, and she asks how her story ends, if she gets her happy ending. Henry tells her there’s usually a complication before she gets her prince, and the prince has to find her. In order to do so, she has to leave him a sign, like a glass slipper. Cinderella laughs and calmly clocks him across the face, establishing firmly for us that this is the truest of true loves. Then she thanks him for the lesson on how to work a motorcycle, and she takes off, leaving Henry in the dirt.

Forward to Seattle, and Henry has discovered that the industrious Lucy has stolen his laptop and left a note. He’s to turn right at the troll under the Aurora bridge and head to Roni’s bar in Hyperion Heights. (I’m calling it now, the troll’s wonky eye is a clue later on).

Once he gets there, he notices an odd girl watching him from the roof. She jumps down and runs away, prompting Henry to callback to his mama for the second time in the episode with a long-suffering, “Really?”

And now we meet Roni, a.k.a. Regina under a curse, and failing bar owner. She’s selling the bar at midnight to Victoria Belfry (as in bats in the . . .?) who, from her description, appears to be a real nasty bit of business. She’s been systematically pushing everyone out of Hyperion Heights, in an effort to gentrify the neighborhood – which, as Lucy pointed out earlier – will scatter everyone under the curse and keep them from finding each other.

Roni falls into friendly bartender mode, asking Henry about his day and he throws out this kicker: “Imagine if I walked through that door and told you I was your son.”

Over at Jacinta’s place in Hyperion Heights, her roommate is ragging on her for quitting her job when they have rent to pay. Then Jacinta mentions that her stepmom is going to kill her if Lucy is late, rushes into Lucy’s empty room, and says that she’s going to kill Lucy. Then she affirms that her stepmom will kill them both. So we’ve established that the stepmom is the killing sort.

Finally we get to meet our big bad, Victoria Belfry, stepping out of her snazzy car with the vanity plate and the ridiculous red heels with the fringe, heading for her office in Belfry Towers, where she’s greeted by one of her three assistants. She demands that they find her granddaughter.

Now we flashback to the alternate realm where Victoria, as her alter-ego, Lady Tremayne, has just cut the wings off Cinderella’s fairy godmother. We meet her daughter Drizella – who is now one of her three assistants in Hyperion Heights (I’m sure that’ll go over well when the curse breaks). Lady Tremayne feels that the fairy godmother slighted her natural daughter by fawning over Cinderella. She imparts her words of wisdom as she turns the godmother to dust: “Magic isn’t power, because magic can be taken. Fear lasts forever.”

Forward again to Jacinta, who just found Lucy standing over a well in a vacant lot. Lucy insists that she’s received a “sign” in the form of a quarter that she found by the well. She tells her mom that this vacant lot was once a thriving garden, and she makes a wish, throwing the quarter as Jacinta tells her she doesn’t believe in signs. She shuffles her off to ballet class, but not before Lucy drops the bomb and announces that she found her dad.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re over a third of the way into the episode and we still haven’t seen Killian. Or Rumple. But mostly I’m salty about Killian.

Back to Roni’s where Jacinta shows up to return Henry’s laptop. He’s clearly bedazzled by Jacinta, which throws us back to the other realm, and Cinderella’s entrance to the ball. We also see now that her Hyperion Heights roommate is the one and only Tiana, (and she’s refusing the footman’s offer of froglegs – cute!).

Henry somehow poofed himself there despite being without motorcycle, and Cinderella looks flawless despite having ridden on one. Henry tries to reclaim the dagger that Cinderella stole from him (it has his initials on the blade near the hilt – so I imagine we’ll see it in Hyperion Heights now that we can identify it). She refuses to give it over because she needs it to kill the prince, not marry him. It turns out the prince murdered her father, and she wants revenge, revenge, revenge.

Sorry. Drifted off to happier times for a moment. Anyway, Henry cautions her that her revenge will not give her a happy ending – it’ll likely only get her killed. He gives her a hyacinth and invites her to run away with him, as his portal to Storybrooke opens at midnight (because portals are now on a time table, apparently). “Start over,” he urges. “Find your own story.”

All of a sudden, Henry hits the floor, clearly drugged by the wine he just sipped, which was presented by the quirky roof girl we met earlier. He comes to entangled by vines and hovering over glowing mushrooms. The girl is Alice (who’s really tired of everyone pigeon-holing her into the Wonderland story) and she’s been looking out for him at the request of his grandfather, Rumplestiltskin. She’s also a really, really bad actress. I’m sorry–maybe it’s the cheesy dialogue but already she’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. I get that they’re trying to make her quirky but right now it’s a bit much. Maybe she’ll grow on me.

She warns Henry to be careful. “When it’s not your story, bad things happen,” she intones melodramatically. She tells him to forget Cinderella, but Henry insists that he’s always going to help someone in need.

Now we see Alice in Hyperion Heights who’s reporting to a man named Weaver – and it’s Rumple! He’s calmly drowning some poor soul as Alice lets him know there’s “someone new in town.” I guess naming him “Spinner” sounded too odd, and “Weaver” was next best. Whatever. I’m glad to see him. Two leads down, one to go.

Back to Roni’s bar, where Jacinta and Henry are hitting it off, talking about Jacinta’s dream of a home on the little island off the coast with the lighthouse, when in strolls Victoria, bitchy as you please. And oh, god, this woman’s brows and lipline. I hate her for those alone. She rails on Jacinta for being a poor parent, and informs her that she’s taking custody of Lucy. Then she throws some veiled threats at Henry as a clearly-over-her Roni looks on.

Henry then emerges from the bar to see that his car was stolen. He hoofs it down the street to the police station where we finally meet officer Rodgers – our own beloved Killian Jones (nearly halfway through the damn episode), who is rocking a hand instead of his trademark hook (although he’s doing the one-glove Michael Jackson thang). His coworker has nicknamed him “Eagle Scout” since Officer Rodgers seems like the type who’s determined to help people.

Henry then heads over to the vacant lot where Lucy is now tossing flower seeds. She begs him once more to believe, and reminds him of Emma and how hard it was for her to believe. Henry reveals that in his cursed memory, he had a wife and kid who died in a fire. Lucy tearfully reminds him that he must write his story – to stop waiting for that perfect first sentence and just start already. Henry strolls off, not ready to believe yet.

Jacinta pulls up to collect Lucy, and she’s ready to blow this taco stand of a town. They take off but as usual with a curse, they can’t get out of town, wrecking the car instead.

Back to the other realm and the grand ball, where Cinderella pulls the knife on the prince but is unable to murder him in cold blood. That’s okay, though, Step-mom steps in and offs him, and then for good measure, she frames Cinderella for the murder. Cinderella runs – right into Henry, who’s returned from his little side-trip, and together they sword fight their way through the crowd. Henry tells Cinderella to take off on his motorcycle, but meet him at the portal at midnight.

He waits for her at the location, pulling out his magic cellphone that somehow recharged over there and also has more service in an alternate realm than I get forty yards from my office. Cinderella never shows up, but she does leave him a sign: one lone glass slipper, there in the hyacinth. Henry lets the portal close, and pronounces that “Operation Glass Slipper is a “go.”

Back in Hyperion Heights, Victoria stomps into the police station breathing fire because Jacinta and Lucy have taken off. Henry is there with Killian checking up on his car, and she asks if he knows where they might be and offers him a deal: tell what he knows, and he gets his car back. Henry turns to milquetoast and immediately gives Jacinta up. Jacinta is understandably feeling betrayed, as Victoria sends her assistant/daughter to take custody of Lucy. She also pulls Henry’s book out of Lucy’s backpack and hands it to officer Rodgers demanding that he get rid of it. Killian stares at the book thoughtfully and we get a nice callback to Emma feeling that same weird deja vu with her storybook.

Henry finally finds his car (Alice is watching creepily as he recovers it, so it’s safe to assume she was the thief) and Jacinta finds him to confront him. “I didn’t ask to be dragged into your family drama,” he whines and she walks away, totally done with him.

Killian returns to the police station to find out he’s been promoted (courtesy of Victoria pulling some strings) and he’s a detective now. He’s has been assigned a new partner – office Weaver, who is just delighted to meet him.

Oh, I like this. I like the idea of Rumple and Killian developing a bromance. I get the feeling Rumple may know who he is (since Alice flagged Henry’s arrival for him) but it’s also possible that he built a trigger word into this curse, in which case, he and Killian may develop a bromance before it all gets blasted to blazes when they remember who the hell they are.

We end the episode with Roni, outright refusing to sell the bar to Victoria, because she’s been inspired by Jacinta not to give in. She’s gives an amazing monologue:

It’s a nice contrast to have the monologue in voice-over to the scenes at the end because in reality, as Roni makes this long-winded speech Victoria is probably rolling her eyes and making a hand motion signalling her to get on with it already.

My rating: 3 & 1/2 Hyacinths out of 5.

It’s so great seeing some color in the cast! This show has always been painfully whitewashed and I really like that they’re making it look more inclusive. Victoria Belfry is a caricature of a villain. There is simply no meat to her. I’m hoping that changes as we get to know her, but right now she’s bland as hell and no match for Regina in any way. Killian in uniform makes me squirm in a really delicious way. So does Regina/Roni in Denim. Rumple in a sweater looks like Mr. Rogers. Hyperion Heights is going to end up getting renamed in the final episode to “Hyacinth Heights.” I will bet money on this. That island off the coast with the lighthouse has got some secret that it’s hiding. It got mentioned with a lot of weight and having Jacinta’s identify it as her idea of happily ever after makes me think there’s something more there. Victoria has three assistants, one of whom is her daughter. But she has two natural daughters. Who’s the third assistant? I think that will be a big reveal.

All in all, a solid offering, but then again, Once usually does have a good premier. It’s round about a third of the way that things start going off the rails in previous seasons, so let’s see if the writers can hold it together. I’m interested to see how the curse came about, and next week is Emma’s episode, so that’ll be worth a watch.

I’ve gone from “meh” to “guess I’ll give it a shot,” but I’m still not feeling the excitement like I used to. We’ll see how it shakes out next week.

What did you think? Are you still on board?