In this day and age nobody likes being sold to, mostly because it feels like someone or some company is trying to manipulate us. We’re all too smart for that anyway. In that spirit, I’ve decided to make an argument for why you shouldn’t buy my book, Life On a Treadmill: The Collected Works of a Successful Failure.

You Might Learn Something: Given the range of topics covered in Life On a Treadmill from the history of blues music, vertical farming, urban renewal, and even blowjobs, there is a high potential for learning from this book. Since strong and aggressively held opinions are all you need to get by in this world don’t waste your time learning. Instead, steel your positions and tell anyone who doesn’t agree that they are an idiot. It’s Not a Video: Why bother straining your eyes trying to comprehend complex thoughts or stories? Videos don’t make you do that and you get plenty of entertainment from them. But books actually require you to put in time in order to gain anything. It’s hard work, and since videos can pretty much accomplish the same end result, why bother reading when you can just stare at a screen and shove Doritos into your mouth? I’m Not Famous: Obviously only famous people have worthwhile things to say. I’m not famous and therefore my view of the world is utter horseshit. No regular person has ever said, done, or even thought something that has applicable value. Don’t enable my invalid horseshit by giving me money for this silly little book I wrote. You’d only be contributing to the downfall of humanity by supporting such a non-famous person like myself. The Word “Failure” is in the Title: Some people say failure is the greatest teacher of all, but again there’s no value in learning anything in this world. In fact, being intelligent is completely played out. Admittedly this book has less to do with failure than advertised, but still there are stories where you may learn from the mistakes I made, which ultimately cheapens your own life experiences. Why should you avoid making my mistakes when you can make them yourself? Go out there and own that shit. Fail harder than I ever could’ve imagined. Besides, why read about failure when you can read about success and then idealize the outcome rather than be forced to accept that doing anything worthwhile is a whole lot of shortcomings and hard work? It’s On Sale: We all know nothing has any value unless it’s incredibly expensive. My book is currently on sale with the use of a discount code that will save you $5 off the listed price. Clearly, I’m compensating for how little value this book has. It’s simply not worth your time.

But I’m just some measly schmuck who writes things so it would make sense if you don’t feel like you should listen to me. If that’s how you feel then I guess you could buy my book by clicking the cover art below. Or maybe you’re just a badass rebel, who doesn’t need someone telling them what to do. In that case, buy my book and indirectly tell me to go fuck myself. You’ll be doing God’s work.

DISCOUNT CODE TO GET $5 OFF: My apologies, the sale has ended. Even a greater reason not to buy this awfully pointless book.

LINK TO BUY IF CLICKING PHOTOS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Treadmill-Collected-Successful-Failure/dp/1492271357