At some point, you've consumed Old Crow, Monarch Gin, or Popov... and maybe you didn't even didn't know it.

Before they were made fancy by someone trying to sell suspenders, cocktails were originally invented to mask crappy liquor, and you've no doubt ordered a screwdriver without specifying Stoli. Mainly because you were in college.

But what do these wonders of the well taste like solo? In the interest of science -- and of learning what that Smelly Jim dude in the alley keeps raving about -- we reached low to sample a bar's worth of bottom-shelf liquor, to find out what was the best of the worst. Then we assigned each a 1-to-10 "Gag Rating" (1 is drinkable, 10 is vomit-by-smelling-it gross), plus gave some tips on how to improve it towards potability. Then we picked a winner. Then we sampled an awful lot of Tums.