From the Nambian Directorate of Tourism

Map of Nambia showing the capital city, Covfefe.

Thank you for your interest in visiting Nambia, the ancestral homeland of America’s Republicans. Nambia is a mixed-race, conservative paradise of endless freedom, boundless opportunity, and very high walls. It’s a society without affirmative action, taxes, or pre-existing conditions. Its people love unbridled free speech, Ted Nugent, unregulated payday loans, and the open-carry of semi-automatic firearms.

As exciting as Nambia is, it’s still important to remember this is a different country from America with its own unique customs. To make your visit as safe and morally uplifting as possible, here are some tips for visitors.

Dealing with the Police: Nambia is a race-blind society, so regardless of your skin color, be sure to have “the Conversation” with a native Nambian before walking too far from the airport tarmac. If stopped by a Nambian police officer, it’s important to remain completely silent and still, unless he requests a bribe or sexual favors. These guys don’t tolerate criminal behavior.

Friendly Men: Women visiting Nambia should be aware that Nambian men are not shackled by “PC” culture like American men. Even when meeting in public, don’t be alarmed by where he grabs you. If you appear to reciprocate, expect pics.

Slavery: This one can be a bit shocking for Americans. In 2014, picking up on the American conservative talking point that Africans historically practiced slavery, Nambians decided to legalize the practice. Since then, the country has seen a steady proliferation of cotton plantations, sugar gangs, and well-heeled house slaves. Please know, however, that none of these slaves are native Nambians — they are all Muslims imported from neighboring countries.

Independents should feel safe visiting, just be aware Nambians may want to give you minor cuts to see if you bleed like other humans.

Religion: So long as Jesus is your personal savior, you’re good. Jews who like Mel Gibson are also tolerated.

Dinesh D’Souza and the One-Party System: Nambians have a fetish for the history and political writings of Dinesh D’Souza. As an outgrowth of their love for the author of “Hillary’s America” and “The Big Lie,” they recently instituted one-party Republican rule, having concluded that Liberals, socialists, and Democrats are evil. Independents should feel safe visiting, just be aware Nambians may want to give you minor cuts to see if you bleed like other humans. Liberals should only visit if they are willing to undergo surgical modifications since Nambian children are taught that all liberals are born with horns.

Finally, here are some attractions you won’t want to miss:

The Jefferson Davis Statue Park — A walkable array of monuments honoring prominent American Confederates and other leaders of oppressive regimes throughout history.

— A walkable array of monuments honoring prominent American Confederates and other leaders of oppressive regimes throughout history. Museum of the War on Coal — A family-friendly journey through the misguided effort to end the use of the world’s greatest fossil fuel.

— A family-friendly journey through the misguided effort to end the use of the world’s greatest fossil fuel. Reaganland — A theme park centered around the U.S. presidency of Ronald Reagan, whom Nambians love. Popular rides include the Morning In America Endlessly Happy Carousel, the Invasion of Grenada Water Cannon Park, and the Welfare Queen Dunk Tank.

— A theme park centered around the U.S. presidency of Ronald Reagan, whom Nambians love. Popular rides include the Morning In America Endlessly Happy Carousel, the Invasion of Grenada Water Cannon Park, and the Welfare Queen Dunk Tank. Covfefe — Named after the celebrated covfefe plant, the capital city is a vibrant exurban metropolis famous for its Branson, Missouri-style country music venues.

Nambia is a great place to visit any time of year. Just be aware that the sun has a peculiar kind of glow in these parts of the world, so everything is best viewed through rose-tinted glasses.