Mike Kincaid spent years coaching basketball in North Portland and was the type of coach who'd get in a player's face and poke the kid in the chest to get him to look up as he dribbled or keep his hands up on defense.

Then he'd pat the player on the shoulder, draw him close and give him a hug.

That's how the 44-year-old grieving father today might approach Isaiah Hayes, the 21-year-old Portland man accused of shooting and killing Kincaid's oldest son. Police say Beketel Elbelau "E.J.'' Sleeper-Kincaid, 23, died in an accidental shooting Sunday.

The young men had been driving home from a bar. Hayes, sitting in the back, fired one shot, striking Sleeper-Kincaid in the upper back with a hollow-point bullet.

"A gun - what the hell are you thinking? Yeah, there's gangs in the area. But to me, there's no excuse to have a gun on your person,'' Kincaid said Tuesday. "This is just a stupid, stupid senseless tragedy to the nth degree. I mean, 'Why'd you have a gun? Why'd you take off the safety? Dude, wake the hell up!''

Kinkaid considered Hayes, who often enjoyed barbeques at his home, a family friend.

"No kid is inherently bad. I told his mother I forgave Isaiah,'' Kincaid said. "You must learn to forgive because hate is so debilitating.''

Kincaid is still trying to make sense out of what happened. But more importantly, he said he wants his son's memory to live on and other young men and women in the community to take notice.

"You can still have fun, still enjoy life, be hip and cool without being stupid. There's a fine line,'' Kincaid said. "As much as I love Isaiah, at the same time, he has to be held accountable for his actions.''

Kincaid also wants adults to model good behavior so their children stay on the right path, and he urges everyone to get involved in their community and try to help steer youths away from guns and violence.

***

Mike Kincaid treated many of his son's friends as his own. He watched them grow up during his six years coaching at George Middle School and five years as an assistant coach for Roosevelt High School's JV basketball team.

But when E.J. dropped out of Roosevelt during his senior year, moved out of the family's home, and "disappeared for awhile,'' his dad was angered.

One of E.J.'s closest friends since middle school urged Kincaid to keep supporting his son: "Don't give up, coach,'' Oscar Isael Betancourt would say.

Now Kincaid is thankful for those wise words.

On Aug. 6, 2012, E.J. got married to Angelea Ramirez. They had met in high school. The two spent about six months in Alaska, where his new bride's older sister lived. When they returned, they lived with his mother-in-law's family in North Portland.

The couple became full-time students at Portland Community College's Cascade Campus.

Kincaid held his breath, wondering if his son would follow through on his studies. Despite some complaining, E.J. completed four quarters. He was planning to go to school part time while starting a full-time job at a local Subway sandwich shop with a friend.

"It was cool to watch them mature as a couple,'' Kincaid said.

The father's relationship with his son also became stronger. They shared a love for the Trail Blazers, and Kincaid would host barbecues at his home, welcoming E.J. and his son's friends.

Kincaid, who works for an engineering company and now lives in Hillsboro, said he was concerned about the escalation in shootings this year in Portland.

He spoke to E.J. about a week and a half ago, when his son called him seeking some personal advice. Kincaid was proud of his son for finding his way, navigating the difficulties in his life. As he frequently did, he ended their conversation by telling his son that he loved him.

***

About 8 a.m. Sunday, Mike Kincaid was getting ready to head out to play basketball with friends when his wife urged him to take a call they had just received from their daughter-in-law.

He took the phone.

Angelea Ramirez told him that they needed to come to her house.

Kincaid knew something was terribly wrong.

"What's going on?'' he asked.

"E.J. is no longer with us,'' she told him through sobs. "He got shot ... by his friend, Isaiah.''

"Your heart just drops,'' Kincaid recalled. "You're dumbfounded. The 'why' or 'who' doesn't affect the outcome.''

He and his wife, Kiar Kincaid, went to their daughter-in-law's home. Hayes' mother, Lisa Elson, showed up, too. "She was a ghost. She just lost her boy, too, '' Kincaid said.

"I don't know what hurts more - losing my 23-year-old son or having empathy for the others left behind,'' Kincaid said, referring to his wife, and three other children, ages 25, 20 and 15.

Kincaid said he was always concerned that he might lose one of his children from violence, not because of their behavior, but because of their environment.

"I've had this parental fear,'' he said, "and unfortunately it came true.''

EJ did not have a criminal record, and steered clear of gangs.

Betancourt said EJ met Hayes through a mutual friend. "Isaiah was a kid that wasn't on the right track. But EJ was like - you help out all your friends,'' his father said.

Hayes was not supposed to be carrying a firearm as a felon convicted of attempted second-degree assault in 2012.

Kincaid is trying to stay strong. "I've got to be there as a rock for my family. ... I haven't had a time to feel myself. You go into crisis mode.''

But Kincaid broke down in tears when he saw that his younger son, Michael Kincaid, 20, had made a contribution to a fund to help raise money for E.J.'s funeral and wrote this on the fund's site:

"EJ, you will never be forgotten. You're the man that others modeled their lives after, myself included. You may not be with us, but I know for sure that you're making your new home better for those that you share it with. I love you, brother. I'll forever miss you and cherish all of our memories together. Rest in peace."

As more than 60 friends gathered at Cathedral Park on Monday night to share their fond memories of his son, Kincaid and his family were buoyed by the love and positive impact his son had on so many others, young and old. Many spoke of how EJ was a friend to everyone, willing to help others whenever they needed it.

"E.J.'s spirit was there,'' his dad said.

He was proud of the warmth his son shared with so many friends. "He didn't make a plethora of bad decisions. Yet it's a damn accident that takes him out,'' Kincaid said. "That part is very frustrating.''

On Tuesday afternoon, Kincaid headed to make funeral arrangements. He also wrote a message on his Facebook page, thanking those who attended the vigil.

"As a father (or a mother) all you want to do is make sure you raise a child who is a good person; a loving person; a person with passion and empathy,'' he wrote. Based on the outpouring of love at the vigil, Kincaid feels he and his wife accomplished that goal.

"The only thing is ... my son didn't get to prosper,'' Kincaid said, his eyes reddening with tears. "I love that poor kid. I love them all.''

--Maxine Bernstein

503-221-8212 ; @maxoregonian