It happens when I least expect it. I’m in a public restroom, hovering my rear end over the sink, and fear strikes: Is there a trans person lurking somewhere in this bathroom, trying to watch me pee?

I’ve been a sink pee-er for as long as I can remember (it’s not sanitary to put your butt on a toilet seat—it’s covered in butt!). So it’s important that only so-called “cisgender” women watch me pee in a public restroom. Being a woman comes with lots of safety concerns, chief among them is the possibility that a trans person will be near you when you pee, especially if you’re peeing while straddling the middle sink of a public restroom with your skirt around your waist and your hands on your knees.

I respect and tolerate whatever trans people do on their own time, but you can’t just decide one day that you’re going to be a woman who is watching me pee! That’s not how nature works! Nature dictates that if you’re born one gender, you are not allowed to watch me pee in the bathroom sink of a Denny’s or even a baseball stadium or some sort of building that only has innocent children in it! I think a lot about this issue because I drink lots of water and don’t have a restroom in my house!

I respect the laws of nature, so let me sink-pee in peace!

On the occasion that I pee in a stall with the door wide open (gimme a break—it’s dark in there!), I certainly don’t want some trans person walking past the open stall and catching a glimpse of me peeing, because we all know that is clearly what all trans people like to look at! All those woo-woos want to do is look at me, a natural-born woman pissing openly onto the seat of a public restroom while yelling at strangers about my rights!

Why must they doggedly pursue a scintillating glimpse of my urinating body? Why?

Sometimes when I’m peeing on someone’s lawn, a house I’ve picked out because it has the feel of a woman’s touch, I think, There could be a trans person in that house, watching me pee! How scary is that?! How am I supposed to feel safe going number-one on the front lawn of a maybe-trans person’s house if there’s a lurking trans person inside, peering out at me, a “cisgender” female woman who’s pissing in front of their house?! What are they doing inside that house, anyway? Getting all excited all over my yum-yum pee pee, that’s what!!

Can’t they just go use a men’s restroom instead of living in their house that I pee on?

Sometimes when there’s no lawns around, I go to the nearest LGBTQ pride march, locate the trans float, climb to the top of it, and pee my pants right there, just to prove how much they love watching me pee! Yuck, sickos!!! My pee, not yours!!!

In conclusion, I am a beautiful pee-er, my urethra is a work of art, trans people make me uncomfortable, beautiful beautiful pee, I can’t stop thinking about pee, and I can only pee in public restrooms because my house does not have a bathroom.

Has the whole world gone crazy, or is it just me?