Creating and contributing to an environment where safe, ethical, positive nonromantic sex can happen is important to me. I’m a celibate asexual who only wants to create nonsexual/nonromantic relationships with people, so why do I care about casual and friendly sex? Because we can’t have a liberated society that offers everyone flexibility and the power to find the kind of lifestyle best for them, without supporting nonromantic sex, just like we can’t have that kind of society without supporting voluntary celibacy, asexuality, and sex-repulsion. I care about casual and friendly sex because I care about aromantic allosexuals and their right to be respected, supported, understood, and empowered. I care about casual and friendly sex because I want to dismantle the romance supremacist, amatonormative, pro-monogamy system of relationships currently installed in our culture. I care about nonromantic sex because I care about freedom.

The sex I’m talking about in this post is any sex that happens outside of a romantic relationship. That covers casual sex between strangers or acquaintances, one-night stands, sexual friendships, sex work, sex had with third parties in an open romantic relationship, sex had between two people who are casually dating but not yet a couple, etc.

Supporting nonromantic sex matters because aromantic sexual people matter. Supporting nonromantic sex matters because varioriented sexual people–those with mismatched romantic and sexual orientations–matter. Supporting nonromantic sex matters because nonmonogamous sexual people matter. Supporting nonromantic sex matters because sexual people who choose to have sex outside of their romantic relationship with a sex-repulsed asexual partner, matter.

Anyone who wants to have sex outside of a romantic relationship should be able to comfortably, safely, and freely do it. I am not saying I think everyone who has sex should have nonromantic sex. If you only want to have sex in romantic relationships, that is your choice and you’re entitled to make it. But if you are someone who wants to have nonromantic sex, then you should be able to do it safely, easily, and comfortably. You should be able to do it without catching judgment from other sexual people who want to police your sexuality, your body, your relationships, and your life.

Our cultural attitudes toward sex are complex and multi-faceted, and I’m not pretending that the choice to have nonromantic sex, even if you strongly desire it, is simple or isolated from bullshit like sexism, racism, misogyny, heterosexism, cissexism, ableism, fat shaming, rape culture, abuse, slut shaming, sexual illness, etc. But the goal should be to destroy that bullshit, not avoid nonromantic sex altogether while the bullshit stays in tact. Nonromantic sex is tied to a lot of problematic, prejudiced thinking, which is one of the reasons why it’s so important to create a world where nonromantic sex is supported.

Yes, a lot of nonromantic sex that happens today is harmful–but that isn’t because nonromantic sex is, by nature, destructive or dangerous or unhealthy. It’s because people are abusive, unethical, rude assholes. It is not the fault of casual sex if you treat someone you fucked like garbage. It is not the fault of casual sex if you’re too stupid or too selfish to wear a condom. It is not the fault of casual sex if you fail to monitor your own sexual health. Your bad behavior, your prejudices, and your irresponsibility are your fault. It is possible to have healthy, ethical, satisfying sex that is respectful of everyone involved.

See, I’m not just saying nonromantic sex should be accepted. I’m saying that nonromantic sex should hold all sexually active people to a higher standard of conduct. I’m saying good nonromantic sex can only happen between people who are ethical and respectful, who care about their sexual partners’ well-being, and who take responsibility for their own actions. I’m saying good nonromantic sex only happens between people who are willing to communicate with each other. Good nonromantic sex depends upon a lot of things that everyone, including people who only have romantic sex or who don’t have sex at all, should be practicing in their daily life.

Creating a culture where nonromantic sex is truly supported and where people are taught how to do it well would mean creating a culture where people treat each other with care and respect and consideration because that’s how human beings should treat each other; where people get into the habit of communicating clearly and effectively what they want and don’t want; where slut-shaming women is no longer acceptable and where women have complete ownership of their bodies and sexuality; where rape is considered unacceptable regardless of the context in which it happened, including contexts of casual sex or paid sex; where everyone actively practices safe and healthy sex; where people who are not wired for sexual monogamy can live their preferred sexual lifestyle instead of trying to be monogamous and failing and hurting their partners in the process; where sex can ultimately be viewed as just something that some people like to do and not a big deal or a magical ingredient that elevates a particular relationship to superior status.

I believe building a world where people are both educated about how to have positive nonromantic sex and where they feel supported in having it if they want it would actually dovetail with creating a kinder, healthier, and more ethical world. Positive nonromantic sex can only exist amongst people who are respectful of others regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, class, ethnicity, etc; who are observing radical, genuine consent; who know their own bodies and can confidently communicate with anyone about what they want, like, and dislike; who are doing everything in their power to regularly take care of their own health and therefore the health of everyone they fuck; who treat people, even people they only want to have sex with, like they matter whether they are in your life for 2 hours, two months, two decades, or forever.

I am disturbed by the attitude that only romantic relationship sex is appropriate, safe, healthy, and nurturing because romance is not some magical repellant for abuse, rape, disrespect, miscommunication, selfishness, etc. You’re living in a fucking fantasy land if you think that all romantic relationships create an environment of respect, care, nurturing, ethical behavior, and love. You’re delusional if you believe that people in romantic-sexual relationships can’t give each other an STD or an STI, including AIDS/HIV. You’re dangerously ignorant and wrong if you believe that rape can’t happen in romantic relationships or that other coercive, abusive sexual encounters can’t happen in them.

I’m also disturbed by the idea that restricting sex to romantic relationships solves problematic sex or renders people’s prejudices and problematic treatment of others irrelevant, benign, or nonexistent. Romance does not excuse you for being a misogynist, a rapist, a slut-shamer, an uncaring person, or anything else. If you’re logic goes, “People should only have sex in romantic relationships because that way, no one would ever feel sexually objectified, no woman would be slut-shamed, no one would be raped or abused by someone who only wants sex from them, etc,” you’ve got a fucked up approach to bad, inexcusable behavior. Not to mention, you’re just wrong about romantic relationships preventing it. Instead of attacking someone’s sexism, someone’s slut-shaming, someone’s abusiveness, someone’s disrespect or dishonesty or rudeness or insensitivity, instead of actually ripping out the problem by the root, you want to just remove an obvious trigger for that behavior. That’s not a method for creating a kind, caring, ethical society where everyone supports each other’s well-being.

As for the health and physical wellness aspect of nonromantic sex, the rules shouldn’t be any different than they are for romantic-sexual relationships. If you’re having sex, you should be using condoms, lube, dental dams, gloves, and whatever other tools of safe sex appropriately, regardless of whether it’s in or out of romantic relationships. If you are sexually active, you should be getting tested for STDs/STIs at least once a year. Period. I don’t care if you fuck one person a year or 20. You are an irresponsible douche bag if you have sex with anyone, without knowing whether or not you’re clean, and don’t give me that shit about “Oh, I’m monogamous in romantic relationships and never have sex when I’m single,” because most people do have sex when they’re single and even if you aren’t cheating, your romantic other might be. Even if you’re clean when you enter into a monogamous romantic relationship, your partner might have an STD/STI and pass it to you. It only takes one person, one sexual encounter, to contract something, and most STDs/STIs are curable. Some of them are completely asymptomatic, so you could have something and not know it unless you get tested. All genital contact counts as sex: oral sex, anal sex, manual sex, penetrative vaginal sex, etc. If you’ve done any of that with anyone, you should get tested. If you can’t afford to get tested, than stop having sex until you can. That’s the bottom line, about being a responsible sexually active person.

Here are the most important points I want to make:

Nonromantic sex can still be caring sex. Nonromantic sexual relationships can still be caring relationships. When most people think about “casual sex” or “one night stands” or “fuck buddies,” there is this silent assumption that the sex is meaningless, careless, disrespectful, and that the people having the sex don’t give a shit about each other at all, don’t view each other as people, don’t take the time or make the effort to be considerate of each other, and pretty much view each other as disposable objects to be used for sexual pleasure. That is not categorically, universally true of nonromantic sex and people who have it. It’s just not. There are people who have casual sex or nonromantic sex who certainly fit that bill, but they are not definitive of nonromantic sex and people who have nonromantic sex. Romance is not the same thing as caring. Romance is not the same thing as respect.

Aromantic sexual people are capable of caring about their sexual partners and treating them like human beings. Aromantic sexual people can even love their sexual partners nonromantically–because hey, loving friendship is a thing. Romantic people of all sexual orientations, including asexuals, often make this fucked up assumption before they take the time to get educated about aromanticism and aromantic allosexuals: they assume that aromantic sexual people don’t care about anyone, including the people they have sex with. They assume that aromantic sexual people feel no emotional attachment to their sexual partners whatsoever, that it’s just superficial attraction and lust in the aromantic person’s experience. That is absolutely, completely fucking false. First of all, not all aromantic people feel the same way about sex or about relationships with others, so while some aromantics might not give a shit about their sexual partners, that isn’t a dominant norm in aromantic sexual people. Second of all, if you’re an aromantic person, it doesn’t mean you have no feelings; it means you don’t feel romantic attraction. Aromantic people can care about and love others in a variety of ways and in different relationships, and that includes their sexual relationships. Some aromantic sexual people actually prefer to form one steady sexual relationship with someone at a time, regardless of the lack of romance, because they don’t actually like or feel comfortable with having a lot of stranger sex or casual sex. Some aromantic sexual people love the idea of having a best friend who they can also fuck, and they may even strongly prefer that the relationship be sexually monogamous. Are they in love with their friend? No. Do they want to do all the standard romantic crap with their friend? No. Does Celine Dion speak to their feelings about their sexual friendship? No. But they sure as hell can still feel attachment, closeness, caring, even (nonromantic) love in a friendship with someone they’ve known for months or years and who they’re having sex with on a regular basis.

You can have a sexual friendship that is just as caring, supportive, nurturing, and connecting as any good nonsexual friendship. If you’re close friends with someone and then you start having sex with each other, the sex does not suddenly cause the friendship to evaporate. The friendliness doesn’t disappear. There is not some void where romance could be. People who have sexual friendships–which are different than “fuck buddies” and “friends with benefits” in that they usually are more emotional and closer–can have a friendship exactly like any other, where they hang out for fun, trust each other, like each other as people, make each other happy, etc and the sex is just one more thing they do together, no different than playing video games or shopping or watching movies. Friends who have no romantic feelings for each other don’t stop being friends just because they start having sex.

If romance is the only reason you treat your sexual partners with care, respect, sensitivity, and love, then you are a piece of a shit. Also, if you judge other people for having nonromantic sex, you’re a piece of a shit. If you think people who only have romantic sex are superior to people who have nonromantic sex, you’re wrong. You’re also a douche canoe.