Tohsaka Rin

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Red Devil [A:5]





Know your enemy, know yourself.

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Member Back to Top Post by Tohsaka Rin on Stupid Caster....



Well.. what do we have here? Finally a servant from the Orient.



First of all. The Alignment seems a bit off. It is rare for me to bother with Alignments, but are you sure that he is with all his chivalry and lawful actions not actually Lawful Good? That's just a question though. You can leave it if you are really sure about it.



It might not be too important either, but when you use "Arabic Beauty", what do you mean by that? It's supposed to be a distinguished feature, and I am not really sure what I should make out of it. Just because he is not Caucasian in Italy, does not really make him easy to identify. I would require an answer to that question.



The character traits are often not really sounding like personality traits, rather than random facts, and some are to a big extent just a continuation of the other. I am not sure if you have some problems with it, but you could also try to write one personality paragraph instead of splitting it up if it gives you trouble.



My people - My life - My soul[/b] for example is not really a personality trait, rather than an example to explain a trait... which I can't find here.



About the weapons. Servants used normal weapons that have become a part of their legend, and phantasms. Conceptional Weapons are a different kind. Please remove the word Conceptional. The armor has too many abilities, or you just stated it too ambitiously. I can certainly accept it as an armor like most Sabers wear, but you won't receive any magical benefits, except you make it into a Noble Phantasm Skill (Passive or Active)



It also empowers the single attack of Saladin's sword and his noble phantasm "Weapon of Faith" by one rank



You use an active NP to power up another active NP. Not only are NPs not supposed to be active like that at the same time in this manner, it also operates too different from the next NP to make it plausible. The NP is allowed, although sounding at the first read through more ambitious than it is (fortunately), but you need to remove the power up of your sword.



About the rank changing sword. The Rank does not only define the attack strength, but also how high the prana consumption is. I am not sure how well the sword can register or detect evil and alignment during the swing, but I will allow it as long as the others have no problem with it. I can't say that someone being forced and troubled turning True Evil is really fair though. But nonetheless, the only real problem here is that you can't combine it with Jihad.



Freedom to Slaves - The mercy of east knight

Denied. First of all, a servant and a master are not master and slave, even if some might think about that. Second, any servant would try to deal with their master before remaining prana/and helpless. Releasing a servant is a big rule break and not an act of mercy in the grail war. Furthermore, while Medea's Rule Breaker still required a direct hit, your skill seems to be automatic, without any chance to avoid. There are too many parts about this, including the big technical aspect to allow it.



Riding A is a bit high, considering he did not ride any Demonic or Holy Beasts. B should be more appropriate.



It's possible that Field of Detection might end up getting lowered by other Moderators, as it is more suitable for Casters, but you lowered it to B, which I can live with. (Would prefer C, but not too important.)



The stats are fine, and I see no problem if you would raise one of them, either.



Despite the long list of comments, the only real problem is your third Noble Phantasm. The rest are only minor issues. I think I can approve it in the next step.



Well, one final question though. Is "fallow" only a typo or some characteristic kind of speech for Saladin? Well.. what do we have here? Finally a servant from the Orient.First of all. Theseems a bit off. It is rare for me to bother with Alignments, but are you sure that he is with all his chivalry and lawful actions not actually Lawful Good? That's just a question though. You can leave it if you are really sure about it.It might not be too important either, but when you usewhat do you mean by that? It's supposed to be a distinguished feature, and I am not really sure what I should make out of it. Just because he is not Caucasian in Italy, does not really make him easy to identify. I would require an answer to that question.Theare often not really sounding like personality traits, rather than random facts, and some are to a big extent just a continuation of the other. I am not sure if you have some problems with it, but you could also try to write one personality paragraph instead of splitting it up if it gives you trouble.[/b] for example is not really a personality trait, rather than an example to explain a trait... which I can't find here.About the. Servants used normal weapons that have become a part of their legend, and phantasms. Conceptional Weapons are a different kind. Please remove the word Conceptional. The armor has too many abilities, or you just stated it too ambitiously. I can certainly accept it as an armor like most Sabers wear, but you won't receive any magical benefits, except you make it into a Noble Phantasm Skill (Passive or Active)You use an active NP to power up another active NP. Not only are NPs not supposed to be active like that at the same time in this manner, it also operates too different from the next NP to make it plausible. The NP is allowed, although sounding at the first read through more ambitious than it is (fortunately), but you need to remove the power up of your sword.About the. The Rank does not only define the attack strength, but also how high the prana consumption is. I am not sure how well the sword can register or detect evil and alignment during the swing, but I will allow it as long as the others have no problem with it. I can't say that someone being forced and troubled turning True Evil is really fair though. But nonetheless, the only real problem here is that you can't combine it with Jihad.Denied. First of all, a servant and a master are not master and slave, even if some might think about that. Second, any servant would try to deal with their master before remaining prana/and helpless. Releasing a servant is a big rule break and not an act of mercy in the grail war. Furthermore, while Medea's Rule Breaker still required a direct hit, your skill seems to be automatic, without any chance to avoid. There are too many parts about this, including the big technical aspect to allow it.Riding A is a bit high, considering he did not ride any Demonic or Holy Beasts. B should be more appropriate.It's possible that Field of Detection might end up getting lowered by other Moderators, as it is more suitable for Casters, but you lowered it to B, which I can live with. (Would prefer C, but not too important.)The stats are fine, and I see no problem if you would raise one of them, either.Despite the long list of comments, the only real problem is your third Noble Phantasm. The rest are only minor issues. I think I can approve it in the next step.Well, one final question though. Is "fallow" only a typo or some characteristic kind of speech for Saladin?

Saladin

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First of all. The Alignment seems a bit off. It is rare for me to bother with Alignments, but are you sure that he is with all his chivalry and lawful actions not actually Lawful Good? That's just a question though. You can leave it if you are really sure about it.



I think your right - he is probably the same way as Arturia Saber. I will change to Lawful Good



It might not be too important either, but when you use "Arabic Beauty", what do you mean by that? It's supposed to be a distinguished feature, and I am not really sure what I should make out of it. Just because he is not Caucasian in Italy, does not really make him easy to identify. I would require an answer to that question.



I understand and yet I have some problems to describe it better myself. I frequently heard a phrase "Arabic beauty" - it mostly concerns genetic features of a face, tanned skin, almost always black hair. I will find a good reference for that over internet and probably just copy it here.







My people - My life - My soul for example is not really a personality trait, rather than an example to explain a trait... which I can't find here. The character traits are often not really sounding like personality traits, rather than random facts, and some are to a big extent just a continuation of the other. I am not sure if you have some problems with it, but you could also try to write one personality paragraph instead of splitting it up if it gives you trouble.My people - My life - My soul for example is not really a personality trait, rather than an example to explain a trait... which I can't find here.



True, that is exactly what I aimed for - I preferred to use exact examples of his life. I will remake them. Truthfully, I would just prefer to write that he is a guy who really cared about his people and his motivation to become who he was and all motivation of what he did was because of his love to those whom he swore to protect - but as I saw some other character reference, they made it bit more "in character".





About the weapons. Servants used normal weapons that have become a part of their legend, and phantasms. Conceptional Weapons are a different kind. Please remove the word Conceptional. The armor has too many abilities, or you just stated it too ambitiously. I can certainly accept it as an armor like most Sabers wear, but you won't receive any magical benefits, except you make it into a Noble Phantasm Skill (Passive or Active)



The armour abilities are actually not supposed to be of grant power, if even of E level. Those are it's actual properties in real world ;p I will correct that information



You use an active NP to power up another active NP. Not only are NPs not supposed to be active like that at the same time in this manner, it also operates too different from the next NP to make it plausible. The NP is allowed, although sounding at the first read through more ambitious than it is (fortunately), but you need to remove the power up of your sword.



Then could I request that modification :



A stalion trampling is equivalent to power of 1000 horse and slash of Saladin sword on Jihad is equivalen to 1000 slashes of his army (pretty much giving it same power as Jihad attack)



I know I'm changing worse for better but I wanted to amplify the power of sword attack on the mount.





Denied. First of all, a servant and a master are not master and slave, even if some might think about that. Second, any servant would try to deal with their master before remaining prana/and helpless. Releasing a servant is a big rule break and not an act of mercy in the grail war. Furthermore, while Medea's Rule Breaker still required a direct hit, your skill seems to be automatic, without any chance to avoid. There are too many parts about this, including the big technical aspect to allow it. Freedom to Slaves - The mercy of east knightDenied. First of all, a servant and a master are not master and slave, even if some might think about that. Second, any servant would try to deal with their master before remaining prana/and helpless. Releasing a servant is a big rule break and not an act of mercy in the grail war. Furthermore, while Medea's Rule Breaker still required a direct hit, your skill seems to be automatic, without any chance to avoid. There are too many parts about this, including the big technical aspect to allow it.



I will think of something else. Also I haven't correctly specified the attack but it was supposed to be exactly like medeas - the blow on Servant body. Meaning the hit would need to not be blocked and meet actual body of a servant and not (for example) his weapon or noble phantasm.



I am wondering though if I could keep that NP on the term that opponent servant is willing to join Saladin ?





About the rank changing sword. The Rank does not only define the attack strength, but also how high the prana consumption is. I am not sure how well the sword can register or detect evil and alignment during the swing, but I will allow it as long as the others have no problem with it. I can't say that someone being forced and troubled turning True Evil is really fair though. But nonetheless, the only real problem here is that you can't combine it with Jihad.



Here I wanted to just explain my reasoning behind "True Evil" change. If a servant had been forced to evil - Saladin would offer him to rebel against his master. If the servant would refuse, Saladin will assume that the servant shares the believes of his master, and even if he doesn't, he enables his master to perform evil deeds and enables him to obtain holy grail that can be a weapon of mass destruction in bad hands.





Well, one final question though. Is "fallow" only a typo or some characteristic kind of speech for Saladin? Well, one final question though. Is "fallow" only a typo or some characteristic kind of speech for Saladin?



No, that's just my bad english habits - thanks for pointing those out. I don't have much opportunities to increase my english skills so I really appreciate any mistakes you could point out.



Thank you for review and I will apply changes as fast as possible

Hey, thanks for reading my profileI think your right - he is probably the same way as Arturia Saber. I will change to Lawful GoodI understand and yet I have some problems to describe it better myself. I frequently heard a phrase "Arabic beauty" - it mostly concerns genetic features of a face, tanned skin, almost always black hair. I will find a good reference for that over internet and probably just copy it here.True, that is exactly what I aimed for - I preferred to use exact examples of his life. I will remake them. Truthfully, I would just prefer to write that he is a guy who really cared about his people and his motivation to become who he was and all motivation of what he did was because of his love to those whom he swore to protect - but as I saw some other character reference, they made it bit more "in character".The armour abilities are actually not supposed to be of grant power, if even of E level. Those are it's actual properties in real world ;p I will correct that informationThen could I request that modification :A stalion trampling is equivalent to power of 1000 horse and slash of Saladin sword on Jihad is equivalen to 1000 slashes of his army (pretty much giving it same power as Jihad attack)I know I'm changing worse for better but I wanted to amplify the power of sword attack on the mount.I will think of something else. Also I haven't correctly specified the attack but it was supposed to be exactly like medeas - the blow on Servant body. Meaning the hit would need to not be blocked and meet actual body of a servant and not (for example) his weapon or noble phantasm.I am wondering though if I could keep that NP on the term that opponent servant is willing to join Saladin ?Here I wanted to just explain my reasoning behind "True Evil" change. If a servant had been forced to evil - Saladin would offer him to rebel against his master. If the servant would refuse, Saladin will assume that the servant shares the believes of his master, and even if he doesn't, he enables his master to perform evil deeds and enables him to obtain holy grail that can be a weapon of mass destruction in bad hands.No, that's just my bad english habits - thanks for pointing those out. I don't have much opportunities to increase my english skills so I really appreciate any mistakes you could point out.Thank you for review and I will apply changes as fast as possible

Saladin

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Rider[A:1]





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Member Back to Top Post by Saladin on Changes applied :



Alignment changed



Arabic Beauty more precisely described



Additional text to traits - now it also posses parts of Saladin simply describing himself



Weapons - corrected



Erased the possibility of connecting two NPs



Titled Freeing NP as denied



Riding A to B and Field of Detection from B to C (you said not important, but perhaps If you feel concerned about it, other would too and I don't mind dropping the skill a bit if it will make everyone happy)





Tohsaka Rin

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Red Devil [A:5]





Know your enemy, know yourself.

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Member Back to Top Post by Tohsaka Rin on



Well it is fine, although the final NP (if you want one) is missing. I can't allow it because offering aid is just not the same as a Rule Break. It would not fit your character to use a Rule Break and that's why it is quite limited to Medea.



You could at best do it the normal way and kill the master. Maybe the servant would fight less skilled and have you slip through to get to the master, but that's about it. The NP itself is the greatest problem, the fact if it hits or not, a smaller one, that could have been changed.



And I see about the word. I don't mind the typos, I only wondered because you always wrote it like that.



From what I see:



[1/2 APPROVAL]



Yet, you still need a master character. (Except you get the approval to go into the war without making a master first.) And what if a servant does something good because of the master despite the Evil Alignment?Well it is fine, although the final NP (if you want one) is missing. I can't allow it because offering aid is just not the same as a Rule Break. It would not fit your character to use a Rule Break and that's why it is quite limited to Medea.You could at best do it the normal way and kill the master. Maybe the servant would fight less skilled and have you slip through to get to the master, but that's about it. The NP itself is the greatest problem, the fact if it hits or not, a smaller one, that could have been changed.And I see about the word. I don't mind the typos, I only wondered because you always wrote it like that.From what I see:[1/2 APPROVAL]Yet, you still need a master character. (Except you get the approval to go into the war without making a master first.)

Saladin

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Member Back to Top Post by Saladin on And what if a servant does something good because of the master despite the Evil Alignment?



Depends on two factors I believe - servant willingness and amount of sin accumulated in him. If he did something good like saved the whole city, then I can assume some evil servants could be redeemed in eyes of saladin and saladin's NP. Nevertheless, the most important thing is what servant represents with himself - be it evil in group of good or good in group of evil - meaning that if servants despite his actions shows disregard for human life or his actions are anything but noble, then justification for NP power exists.



FINAL NP



Chain of Slavery (yeah, I still stubbornly keep on that - it felt for me like it was rather important act of Saladin)



Whenever someone is cursed, hexed or charmed, Saladin is capable of conjuring a spiritual chain coming from the person and breaking it with his sword. The attack can work on many magical curses or on curses that hero posses from the moment he was summoned. In theory it should also cure Berserker of "Insanity" yet the effect would be short as grail would simply reinstate the curse again on such servant. It could also break command spells that go against enemy servants "ideology". Magical effects that actually help servant/magus and are not considered by them as curse cannot be manifested as chain.



The power allows Saladin to remove also any inflicted cursed wounds that were done to enemy, giving opportunity for Saladin to have a fair and honourable fight.



Saladin cannot use this noble phantasm on himself. Only Magical Resistance A may stop Saladin Noble Phantasm. Depends on two factors I believe - servant willingness and amount of sin accumulated in him. If he did something good like saved the whole city, then I can assume some evil servants could be redeemed in eyes of saladin and saladin's NP. Nevertheless, the most important thing is what servant represents with himself - be it evil in group of good or good in group of evil - meaning that if servants despite his actions shows disregard for human life or his actions are anything but noble, then justification for NP power exists.FINAL NP(yeah, I still stubbornly keep on that - it felt for me like it was rather important act of Saladin)Whenever someone is cursed, hexed or charmed, Saladin is capable of conjuring a spiritual chain coming from the person and breaking it with his sword. The attack can work on many magical curses or on curses that hero posses from the moment he was summoned. In theory it should also cure Berserker of "Insanity" yet the effect would be short as grail would simply reinstate the curse again on such servant. It could also break command spells that go against enemy servants "ideology". Magical effects that actually help servant/magus and are not considered by them as curse cannot be manifested as chain.The power allows Saladin to remove also any inflicted cursed wounds that were done to enemy, giving opportunity for Saladin to have a fair and honourable fight.Saladin cannot use this noble phantasm on himself. Only Magical Resistance A may stop Saladin Noble Phantasm.

Aozaki Touko

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Team Mom





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Member Back to Top Post by Aozaki Touko on Just to prevent any issues with weapon and armor durability, I ask if your sword and armor are up to a fight against a Noble Phantasm weapon, since a normal weapon could easily get destroyed in the clash against a NP, thus the question since you don't mention that. You clearly state that the knife is not for combat purposes but the sword and armor need this extra information.



Rin took care of the rest but just to let you know, a striked section means a uncounted section, so it's just the same as if you didn't had a third NP.



Also, please put up an avatar that matches your character appearance.