DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress Will Kill Your Mother.” “We hope this campaign sells our native sons and daughters on the Hawkeye State by reminding them just how much pain their departure would cause the woman who gave birth to them. Because, let’s be clear: Your mother’s heart will literally stop,” said Iowa Economic Development Authority director Debi Durham in a press conference advising Iowan millennials to find a nice apartment that’s close enough to home that they can visit on weekends. “You would kill your mother by moving out of state. Sure, big cities might have a bunch of fancy shops and restaurants, jobs there would pay you enough to frequent those places, and you probably wouldn’t have to live within a mile of a million-gallon open-air hog-feces retaining pool. But nothing compares to a home-cooked meal prepared by your proud, healthy, living mother.” Durham brought her speech to a close by alluding to forthcoming retention campaigns with slogans such as “Don’t Be Ungrateful” and “Your Mother Is Very Frail.”

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