We haven't seen it yet, but it looks like a modern classic.

1 The Nightmare of Edgar Allan Poe (2001), Starring Michael Jackson

Edgar Allan Poe's gloomy ass pretty much invented American horror. His life story is filled with the kind of drunken, drug-crazed insanity that was made for the cinema. Sure, most of that craziness was completely made up by one Rufus Wilmot Griswold (Poe's bitter enemy in life and official biographer in death), but that's no reason to let the truth spoil a kick-ass story.

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What Went Wrong?

This might surprise you, but we're actually not going to talk any shit about the talk of casting Michael Jackson. It's a horror project and Michael Jackson is fucking terrifying. It's like chocolate and peanut butter meeting up for the first time or something.



Whatever you do, don't imagine those two fucking

So, what could go wrong? Well, they could have hired William Malone (Fear Dot Com, Creature) to direct. They could have gotten the script from some guy named Philip Levins (nine episodes of Smallville, including one where, we are not fucking kidding, Superman's dad is wrongly accused of shooting Lex Luthor's dad, which we guess must be what started that whole crazy feud between the two of them).

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That's exactly what they did. This would have been pretty much the worst horror movie ever.

What Went Right?

Michael Jackson, probably. Jackson had kind of a string of these canceled projects. Over the years, there were plans for him to play the lead in a musical version of Peter Pan, a film version of the Phantom of the Opera musical, and some kind of werewolf movie that may or may not have been a musical.

Now, we can't say for sure what it was that killed these projects, but imagine that you're in a meeting with the King of Pop, ironing out the details of a major film. How long do you think it would take for you to realize that "meeting" is just a euphemism for "I'm trapped in this room with a fucking lunatic?" Until he started humping your leg? A few minutes after that, maybe?

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What You Can Watch Instead:

We'd love to say that it's the biopic Poe, written and directed by Sylvester Stallone and starring Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings, but that one hasn't been shot yet, and we can't help thinking that the project is destined to show up in a list not unlike this one some day.

No, instead, we've got some dippy direct-to-video thing called The Death of Poe:

If you enjoyed that, you'll probably like Steve's article about The 5 Kick Ass Action Movies That Are Pure Propaganda. And speaking of things that kick ass, Uncle Terry has some sex advice for you. Or show us what the 08 election would look like if the candidates had balls in this week's Forum Photoshop contest. And be sure to get the Cracked Hit List delivered in your electronic mailbox every Thursday.