Chapter Text

--carcinoGeneticist [CG]opened new memo: MOVIES FOR DIPSHITS at 18:43--

CG: ALRIGHT ASSWHIPES, TODAY HAS BEEN A FUCKING EYE OPENER.

CG: STRIDER HAS BEEN VERY PRODUCTIVE TODAY; THAT GIANT MONUMENT SHAPED LIKE A HUMAN PHALLUS WAS EXACTLY WHAT WE FUCKING NEEDED TO FURTHER EMASCULATE OURSELVES.

CG: THE LALONDES WERE GIGGLING LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS OVER A BOOK AND I REALLY DON’T *WANT* TO KNOW WHAT WAS HIDDEN IN THOSE PAGES.

CG: AND ERIDAN WAS WORKING ON A NEW FLARPING MODULE, WHICH WOULD BE A MILESTONE SINCE IT IS THE FIFTEENTH GAME HE CREATED THAT NO ONE IS GOING TO PLAY BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT, WE FUCKING OUTLAWED THAT SHIT.

CG: SO I AM GUESSING WE HAVE SOME SPARE TIME ON OUR HANDS. TIME WE COULD SPEND ON BETTER THINGS. AND AS YOUR GLORIOUS LEADER I AIM TO FUCKING SCHOOLFEED YOU PATHETIC WRIGGLERS WITH SOME QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT.

CG: I HAVE PICKED A SELECTION OF ONLY THE BEST THAT ALTERNIAN CINEMA HAS TO OFFER.

CG: MOVIES THAT WERE BELOVED FOR THEIR ACTION, THEIR CHARACTER, OR THEIR PLOT.

CG: MOVIES THAT WERE SO CONTROVERSIAL THEY WOULD HAVE BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF MY PATHETIC DANCESTOR.

CG: AND WE ARE GOING TO WATCH THESE MOVIES. MAYBE MAKE IT A WEEKLY THING IF IT CATCHES ON.

CG: …………………………………………………………………………….

CG: ANYONE?

CG: I KINDA EXPECTED EGBERT TO JUMP AT THE OCASSION.

CG: WHAT? EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY TOO FUCKING BUSY TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME?

CG: WE’RE JUST GONNA DITCH KARKAT FIRST CHANCE WE GET? WELL FUCK YOU TOO!

CG: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS FUCKING IDEA WAS COMPRISED OF FAILURE. WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO EDUCATE YOU PEOPLE.

--gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo at 18:49--

CG: REALLY, JUST TEREZI?

CG: WELL I SUPPOSE I’LL JUST TAKE WHAT I CAN FUCKING GET.

GC: W4UW W4Y TO B3 UNGR4T3FUL

CG: WELL, LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY.

CG: THOUGH MOST OF THESE CINEMATIC MASTERPIECES WILL BE WOEFULLY LOST ON YOU.

GC: ST1LL RUD3

GC: 4CTU4LLY 1 JUST POPP3D 1N TO S4Y TH4T NO ON3 1S GO1NG TO JO1N YOUR STUP1D MOV13STR34M FOR STUP1D WR1GGL3RS

CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?

CG: I PICKED OUT SOME REAL CLASSICS

GC: B3S1D3S NOT W4NT1NG TO B3 BOR3D TO T34RS

GC: W3 4R3 4LR34DY GO1NG TO L3T VR1SK4 STR34M 4 MOV13 >:]

GC: BUT SH3 S4YS YOU 4R3 W3LCOM3 TO JO1N 1F YOU R34LLY H4V3 TOO

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC] from memo at 19:01--

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo: MOVIES FOR DIPSHITS at 19:01--

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined memo: 8est movie eveeeeeeeer at 19:01--

CG: GODDAMNIT SERKET, YOU BACKSTABBING CONNIVING BITCH.

CG: YOU KNEW, YOU FUCKING KNEW I WAS PLANNING TO HOST A MOVIENIGHT AND YOU JUST *HAD* TO COME IN LIKE A NOOKSLURPING DEMOLISHING SPHERE TO RUIN IT DIDN’T YOU?

CG: I DOUBT ANYONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR SHIT MOVIE FOR TWATS TO BEGIN WITH. I BET YOU HAD TO BRIBE EVERYONE. IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?

CG: WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!

EB: hi karkat!

CG: ……….. HI JOHN.

EB: oh man, you are just in time. vriska is picking a movie for us to watch.

EB: this is going to be so sweet. i can’t wait to see one of your alien action movies.

CG: OK ONE…. WE ARE NOT ALIENS. IF ANYTHING YOU FARTSNIFFING HUMANS ARE THE ALIENS HERE.

EB: awesome!

CG: TWO. WHATEVER MOVIE VRISKA IS GOING TO PICK IS GOING TO BE ON THE SAME INTELLECTUAL LEVEL AS PICKING YOUR OWN NASAL CAVITIES FOR NOURISHMENT.

EB: gross.

CG: AND FINALLY; WHAT OTHER TREACHEROUS SCUM HAS JOINED THIS PARTICULAR STREAM AS OPPOSED TO MY OWN?!

GC: 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 D4V3 W4S R34DY1NG H1S K4RK4T T4NTRUM B1NGO C4RD

CG: WE ARE *NOT* DOING THAT!

EB: can i already cross ‘watching a movie’ or do i have to wait for the film to start?

GC: 1F H3 THROWS 4 F1T 4BOUT W4TCH1NG 4 MOV13 1TS V4L1D

EB: ah ok, sweet.

CG: HATE YOU ASSHOLES!

AG: Kaaaaaaaarkat, soooooooo glad you could make it. Well, I would 8e, if you wouldn’t ruin the coolness of this stream so much even it’s lusus wouldn’t recognize it.

CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS.

CG: FUCK YOU!

AG: Really, if John wasn’t feeling 8ad for you, you’d 8e aaaaaaaall alone watching your dum8 movies for wrigglers.

CG: THOSE MOVIES HAVE A DEEP CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE YOU UNEDUCATED PIECE OF DRONESPUNK!

GC: G3T 4 ROOM YOU TWO

CG: NO!

AG: No!!!!!!!!

GC: L3TS G3T TH1S SHOW ST4RT3D 4LR34DY

GC: HOW LONG DO3S 1T 3V3N T4K3 YOU TO F1ND 4 MOV13

AG: We still have to wait on Lalonde and Fussyfangs………

EB: and dave and jade?

AG: And your little human friends.

--tentacleTherapist [TT] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:16--

--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:16--

GA: Good Evening

AG: Heeeeeeeey Fussyfangs.

AG: Lalonde………

TT: Vriska.

GA: I Do Not Hope You Were Waiting On Us

GC: W3’R3 ST1LL TWO P3OPL3 SHORT

CG: ACTUALLY I AM PRETTY SURE WE CAN START WITHOUT THEM.

AG: Are you thaaaaaaaat curious to see what movie I picked?

CG: DO NOT EVEN FLATTER YOURSELF. WHATEVER DRIBBLE YOU PICKED, I WILL MOCK IT SO HARD IT’S FUTURE OFFSPRING WILL HAVE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.

TT: Who are we waiting for?

AG: Strider is l8 as usual. And I 8et Harley fell asleep somewhere.

EB: strange, i thought she kinda grew out of that narcolepsy thing.

GA: I Saw Jade And Her Dancestor Not Too Long Ago

GA: They Will Be Here Shortly

CG: OH GOD, DON’T TELL ME SHE’S GONNA TAKE HER DANCESTOR ALONG WITH HER.

EB: karkat, what are you complaining about?

EB: you haven’t even met the alphas.

CG: IF THEY ARE ANYTHING LIKE OUR DANCESTORS I ALREADY KNOW ENOUGH

--turntechGodhead [TG] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:24--

TG: we talking shit about the alphas?

TG: i’m game

TT: This wouldn’t have anything to do with feelings of resentment towards your own version of Dirk as a fatherfigure?

TG: what?

TG: shit lalonde where does that even come from

TT: It’s ok Dave.

TT: If you need to discuss these pent up feelings I will be here for you.

GC: G4SP

GC: HOW FORW4RD

TG: alright

TG: getting really annoying

TG: can we drop the subject?

CG: ACTUALLY LET’S DISCUSS IT A BIT FURTHER.

TG: damnit

CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING ANCESTOR STRIDER.

CG: YOU HAVE *MET* KANKRI. YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS SHIT CAN GET.

GA: In The Alphas Meager Defense

GA: Porrim Was Not That Bad Really

GA: In Fact She Was Rather Helpful

GC: NO TH3 4LPH4S W3R3 PR3TTY B4D >:(

GA: Oh

GA: Did You Have Any Gripes With Latula

GC: W3LL NO BUT….. 3RR…..

CG: NOW I AGREE WITH STRIDER. LET’S DROP IT.

TG: thank you

EB: i really have no idea what you guys are talking about.

EB: i missed out on most of the dreamtroll shenanigans.

--gardenGnostic [GG] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:29--

--golghotaTerror [GT] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:29--

GG: hi guys!

GG: i brought jake along hope you don’t mind

GT: Cheerio fellows.

CG: I KIND OF FUCKING MIND. WE JUST FINISHED DISCUSSING HOW WE ARE ABOUT DONE WITH OUR DANCESTORS AND IF WE NEVER SAW ANY OF THEM EVER AGAIN IT WOULD STILL BE TOO MUCH.

CG: I DON’T KNOW THIS ASSHOLE AND I HAVE NO INTEREST IN GETTING TO KNOW HIM.

GT: Oh my.

GG: KARKAT!

GG: HOW COULD YOU BE SO RUDE!

GT: Jade it is quite alright.

GT: I wouldn’t want to interrupt your hubbubaloo.

GG: karkat apologize!

AG: Soooooooo sorry Jade. 8ut we just fit the perfect num8er for this stream.

CG: WAIT……

CG: FOUR, FIVE, SIX…….SEVEN…….

CG: ACTUALLY….. JAKE WAS IT?

GT: Yes?

CG: I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY FOR MY EARLIER OUTBURST. I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ECSTATIC IF YOU WERE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE WITH US.

AG: D8MNIT K8RKAT!!!!!!!!!

GT: Are you quite sure chum?

CG: DEFINITELY.

GT: Jolly good then. I won’t be a bother.

TG: by all means

TG: rile karkat up

TG: i am so going to win this bingo

TT: Ah you forget brother dear. I can now cross ‘participants of the stream’ of my card.

TG: that is too vague and you know it

AG: Gr8, now there is a maaaaaaaasive im8alance. How can four of us deal with five humans?

GG: oh i saw damara a while back

GG: i don’t think she’s doing anything

AG: NO

GC: NO

GA: No

CG: NO!

TG: trolls man

GT: Bolly, what have I gotten myself into.

EB: welcome to our world.

EB: so what movie are we watching vriska?

AG: Oh, you’ll seeeeeeee.

AG: It’s a classic……..

EB: uhm……..

TG: god jesus no

TG: i never felt so betrayed

TT: ……I fail to find the words to properly express my disappointment.

GG: oh god not again!

GG: i thought i’d never have to see this again!

GT: Excuse me, but what flick is this?

AG: Oooooooonly the gr8test human movie ever num8nuts.

CG: I AM BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST MY DESK AS HARD AS I CAN BUT THE PAIN DOESN’T MUTE OUT THE FACT THAT I AM LOOKING AT HUMAN NICHOLAS CAGE’S UGLY MUG.

CG: IN FACT, IT KINDA MAKES IT WORSE.

GC: SO TH1S 1S TH3 HUM4N 4CTOR YOUR SWOON1NG OV3R L1K3 4 L1TTL3 WR1GGL3R?

GC: 1 4M NOT 1MPR3SS3D

AG: Oh just you w8 Pyrope. 8y the end of this, you will 8e eating those words!

AG: This is the timeless tale of a tough maverick with nothing to lose!

AG: John, 8ack me up here.

EB: yeah, i kinda think con air is a horrible movie.

AG: WH8T?

EB: it’s true. it’s goofy, disconnected from reality, the actors phone it in…..

EB: it just kinda sucks.

CG: HAHAHAHA OH THIS IS FUCKING PERFECT.

TG: is this what pride feels like

TT: Dave, shoosh.

AG: You can NOT 8e serious right now!

AG: You introduce me to this cinematic masterpiece and Nicholas Cage and now you’re telling me it is all trash?!

EB: well i don’t dislike Nicholas cage?

EB: he’s still pretty much a perfect human being.

AG: Don’t try to ch8nge the su8ject! Of course he is!!!!!!!!

GT: Uhm…. Chaps?

AG: Are you really doing this John?!

EB: now don’t take it personal. i just think the movie is bad. no big deal.

AG: 8ut this is OUR movie!

EB: we’ll find new ones.

EB: movies that star Nicholas cage and suck less

AG: ::::(

TT: I am reluctant to ask but…… The song that plays on the background doesn’t happen to be thát song?

GG: grrrrr i am so sick of this song!

GT: Is it that terrible?

GG: every time john made me watch con air he would insist on singing along!

GG: i hate it and i can’t get it out of my head!

GT: Blimey, that sounds excruciating.

EB: well, i didn’t sing it……. every time?

TG: nice

GA: I Do Not Understand

GA: What Is The Significance Of This Song

AG: It highlights the most roooooooomantic moment in the movie.

EB: or what constitutes as such.

AG: John, I will end you.

EB: :B

GC: OH DO 1 G3T TO ST3P 1N NOW

TG: shit terezi

TG: calm the nic cage morons and be the auspistice

GC: TH1S 1S GO1NG TO B3 GR34T!

AG: J8hn and I DON’T need an auspistice!

GT: Bugger my bridges, this man is asking for a quick one-two on the proboscis.

GC: WH4T SORT OF 1MB3C1L3 OFF3NDS 4 D3COR4T3D SOLD13R

TT: The sort that has imbibed copious amounts of alcohol

GC: TH4T’S F41R

TG: i don’t get it

TG: why do the nineties always use rednecks as assholes

TG: actually scratch that

TG: why is nic cage pretending to be a redneck

TG: his fake accent is insulting my delicate southerners hearing conducts

GG: no, that’s just how he talks…..

GA: It Seems Illogical For These Three Man To Go After A Couple Of Which At Least One Person Is Trained In Combat And Likely To Be Armed

GA: I Doubt Even Your Human Soporifics Would Put Such A Damper On Ones Intelligence

GC: 1T 1SN’T JUST 1LLOG1C4L

GC: WH4T TH3Y 4R3 PL4NN1NG 1S H1GHLY 1L3G4L

TG: welcome to the human ninteties

TG: a cinema landscape without moral complexities and filled with two-bit crooks that would kick a puppy if it looked at them funny

TG: why

TG: no reason

TG: that’s just what they learn in goonschool along with an optional class in flower arrangement

TT: Alas, the unsung struggles of this redneck trio shall forever be concealed from public knowledge.

TG: the woman isn’t even that hot

GG: dave!

TG: im just saying

EB: this is stupid

CG: THIS IS STUPID

AG: Shut your faces!

AG: God, having to hear that in stereo must 8e the woooooooorst.

GC: 444444ND H3S D34D

CG: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

GA: I Think It Is Implied That Mr Cage Snatched The Knife And Stabbed Him In The Area Below The Chin

CG: IT WAS SO POORLY SHOT I BARELY NOTICED WHAT WAS GOING ON.

GT: Quite frankly I thought it was sizzling with action.

GG: of course YOU did.

GT: Well it was fast paced and visceral.

EB: it was poorly shot and terribly acted.

GA: Considering The Size Of The Knife And The Human Anatomy He Really Had To Drive That Knife In Deep

CG: WAIT, I SPOTTED SOMETHING. SERKET, PLAY THE SCENE AGAIN.

AG: What why? We’re in the miiiiiiiiddle of something here.

CG: JUST DO IT.

AG: Fine, geeeeeeeesh……..

CG: THERE I KNEW IT. HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE KNIFE; IT WAS SPOTLESS WHEN HE PICKED IT UP FROM THE GROUND.

CG: NICHOLAS CAGE KILLED A MAN WITH HIS BARE HANDS AND I CALL SUCH A HEAP OF BULLSHIT NOT A FARMER IN THE WORLD WILL EVER SUFFER A SHORTAGE OF MANURE AGAIN.

EB: thank you.

GC: W3 COULD R34LLY US3 SOM3ON3 W1TH YOUR T4L3NT 4T TH3 PR3C1NCT K4RK4T

CG: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I AM NOT ROLE-PLAYING WITH YOU OR THE DOUCHENOZZLE.

GC: NOT 3V3N 1F TH3 M4YOR PL4YS 4LONG

CG: I’LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT. WE’RE WATCHING A SHITTY MOVIE.

GC: L3TS S33

GC: JUST1F13D S3LF-D3F3NS3

GC: V4R1OUS W1TN1SS3S SHOULD B3 4BL3 TO COMF1RM TH3 DRUNKS W3R3 4CTIVELY LOOK1NG FOR TROUBLE

GC: THE KN1F3 B34RS TH3 DRUNKS F1NG3RPR1NTS 1ND1C4T1NG 1T W4S H1S TO B3G1N W1TH 4ND L4T3R SN4TCH3D BY PO3

GC: TH3 DRUNK 4PP4R4NTLY H4D 4 R3PUT4T1ON 4S 4 TROUBL3M4K3R 4ND N1CHOL4S C4G3 W4S 4 LOY4L S3RV4NT OF TH3 ST4T3S

GC: 1 S33 4 BR1GHT FUTUR3 FOR MR PO3

GC: NO W4Y TH3Y W1LL CONV1CT H1M 1N L1GHT OF TH1S 3V1D3NC3

AG: WRONG!

AG: 8 years in human prison!!!!!!!!

GC: TH3 HUM4N COURT SYST3M S33MS 1NCR3D1BLY FL4W3D >:(

GG: ooooohng…….

GG: and so the monologue begins

CG: DEAR GOD THIS GUY.

CG: FUCKING EMOTE. HE READS THE LETTERS TO HIS SPAWN THE SAME WAY ONE WOULD READ HIS GODDAMN TAXES!

GG: this goes on for hours!

AG: He doesn’t neeeeeeeed to sound excited.

AG: He’s just writing, how excited are you when you write????????

GG: but they act like it’s a dialogue!

GG: rose back me up!

TT: I’m sorry, I am merely amused by this performance.

GG: rose!

TT: It is rather bad, but I cannot look away.

TT: It’s like a beautiful train wreck in motion.

GG: see the train wreck like a hundred times and you’ll be done with it :(

EB: you know, you could have just told me you didn’t like it.

GG: I DID!

GG: MULTIPLE TIMES!

EB: oh…. whoops.

GA: Haha

GA: Rose

GA: This Wriggler Has A Striking Resemblance With The Way You Looked Like A Wriggler

TT: Thank you Kanaya.

TG: check it out

TG: she even has a mini horse

TT: Like the one you crushed with your infant rear.

GT: Mr Poe is getting rather buff with all this working out isn’t he?

GT: Truly he is a man’s man

TG: jake the dude’s in jail

TG: he is that man’s man, that man’s man all sorts of man

GT: I don’t follow.

GA: Do Ignore Him Jake

GA: Ocassionally He Goes Off Like That

GA: We Just Smile And Pretend He Said Something Really Witty

TG: oh come on

TG: just look at the way he talks to his black friend

TG: which incidentally is another classic nineties trope

TG: perhaps we are playing the wrong kind of bingo

TG: this must be what it feels like to attend a business meeting in a gimp suit

TG: johnson we are debating the hostile takeover why did you come into office wearing that

TG: i thought it was casual Tuesday sir

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A GIMP SUIT.

CG: SWEET MERCIFUL MESSIAHS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?

TT: I believe Dave has already educated you about the phrase; fetish porn?

CG: THAT’S A FETISH?

CG: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! HOW CAN ANY OF YOU HUMANS GET THE SLIGHTEST BIT AROUSED BECAUSE OF…… THAT.

TG: crossing ‘sexual habbits’ from my card

TT: Alas poor brother, I had that one too.

CG: I WILL PISS ON YOUR FUCKING BINGOCARDS!

GC: TH4TS ON3 FOR M3

CG: GODDAMNIT!!!!!

EB: hahaha aaah……. memories

TG: that bunny has seen some shit

TG: it traveled more than the average us penny

TT: I admit, it was rather amusing to stitch the little bunny back together

GT: Right-o. And I had a blast equipping it with weapons.

GT: Good ol Terry Kiser.

EB: actually i renamed it. it’s liv tyler

GT: You mean the actress who played in Jersey Girl?

EB: …..jersey girl?

EB: doesn’t ring a bell…..

TG: dude that’s a chickflick

EB: how do you know?

GG: i don’t even know that movie

GT: Really? The timeless tale of a man who buries himself in his work after his wife dies, after which he has to take care of the child himself. Overworked he has to move back in with his father and meets a girl at the video store.

CG: WAIT. I THINK I KNOW THAT MOVIE.

GT: Really?

CG: YEAH, IT WAS BASICALLY ALRIGHT.

GT: I found it quite a charming little flick.

CG: HUH…. I ADMIT, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD A DECENT TASTE IN FILMS LIKE THAT.

CG: NORMALLY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL SORTS OF TASTELESS COMMENTS FROM THE LEGUME GALLERY.

GC: B3C4US3 YOUR T4ST3 1N F1LMS 1S QU1T3 4WFUL

GG: jake is quite passionate about movies

GG: they just aren’t very good……..

GT: I protest that

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, ANYONE STICKING UP FOR A SHAMEFULLY UNDERRATED ROMANTIC COMEDY DESERVES THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!

GT: Much obliged old chum.

TG: christ now they’re romance buddies

TG: don’t even look at me like that lalonde

TG: if you have that one on your card you fucking cheated and you know it

TT: I wouldn’t dream of it brother dear

TG: fuck next time tell me what kind of movie we’re watching

TG: i would have owned the nineties bingo game

TG: it’s a strong independent woman with no sense of humor and no personality outside of her profession

TG: bonuspoints if she’s black

TT: I think she’s of Hispanic descent

TG: not the point

GA: Hispanic

GA: What Does That Mean

TT: I’ll explain later.

GA: Is It Something Like Being Homosexual In Human Society

TG: yes exactly

TT: Dave no.

TT: I will explain later dear.

GC: H3 1S R4TH3R 4NNOY1NGLY 1NS1ST3NT OF T3LL1NG 3V3RYON3 H3’S GO1NG HOM3

GC: HON3STLY 1F 1 ST1LL H4D TO DO MY T1M3 1 WOULD H4V3 K1CK3D H1M 1N TH3 SH1NS OUT OF SP1T3

AG: She doesn’t haaaaaaaave to do her time num8nuts

AG: She works there

TG: really my urge to play karkat tantrum bingo is really simpering down the longer you guys make me watch johns stupid movie

GG: no one is making you do anything

EB: i don’t even like this movie!

TG: just look at this pile of lard

TG: classic nineties douchebag

GC: YOUR HUM4N N1N3T13S MUST H4V3 B33N 4 GLOR1OUS T1M3

TG: man you don’t even know it

TG: people unironically listened to shit like vanilla ice and the spice girls

TG: we had shows like the samurai pizza kids

TG: who even thinks of something like that

TG: how high do you have to be

TG: they are cats that get power armor to deliver pizza

TG: why?

TG: how?

TT: Sweet delicious nineties magic I presume?

TG: exactly

GT: That being said, this guy behaves like a right ponce doesn’t he?

GT: John Cusack just tries to make conversation

GG: i really don’t know any other film starring John Cusack

GG: and whenever i’ll see him now I’ll just be reminded of this stupid movie!

AG: IT ISN’T ST8PID!

GG: it is!

EB: it kinda is.

TT: John Cusack also played in High Fidelity.

TG: never heard of.

TT: I only watched it because Jack Black was in it.

TG: wait what

TT: It was a phase.

CG: SO THE DEA HAS TO INTERFERE WITH THIS FBI CASE. BUT THAN THE CIA AND THE IRS ARE GETTING IN THE WAY.

CG: SO CNN AND BBC FIGHT OVER THE HEADLINES BUT THEY CAN’T BECAUSE THE IIRA ARE BEING DICKS TO THE NYPD.

CG: AND THEN THEY CAN ALL STFU BEFORE I RQ

GC: LOL

CG: I FUCKING *GET* THAT OUR MOVIETITLES CAN GET A LITTLE CONVELUTED

EB: a little he says

GG: :P

CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR SPECIES OBSESSION WITH SLINGING ABBREVIATIONS AROUND LIKE FUCKING SWEETS ARE GONNA POP OUT IF THEY THROW IT HARD ENOUGH.

GA: To Be Fair They Only Use Three Abbreviations

GA: You Are Kind Of Over Reacting

CG: I STILL HAVE NO SINGULAR IDEA WHAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS MEAN!

AG: Just liiiiiiiisten to the haunting stories that go with these prisoners

AG: This man is SO messed up that when he caught his m8sprit with another lover........

AG: He drove two states to kill her entire family, even their lusus.

AG: Then returned to kill her.

AG: The 8lack guy is a general who 8lew up a meeting of some sort of weapon’s congress out of racism.

AG: Then he wrote a 8ook a8out it.

AG: If THAT doesn’t make for good antagonist material, I don’t know what will.

EB: look at the back of the box

AG: What????????

EB: there should be one of those age rating thingies

EB: what does it say?

AG: Rated R? What does that even mean?

EB: that it will be violent but not terribly so.

EB: no killing entire families out of spite will be included.

GC: D4MN1T

GT: I take it this is the main antagonist?

GC: WH4T G4V3 1T 4W4Y? TH3 1NCR3D1BLY OBV1OUS W4Y TH1S SHOT 1S FR4M3D?

AG: That is Cyrus ‘the Virus’ and he is the woooooooorst of the 8unch

AG: Cold, calcul8ing and incredi8ly clever.

TG: and related to miley

TG: this explains everything forever

AG: If Cameron Poe wasn’t so devilishly handsome I would have soooooooo gone for him.

GC: 1 B3T YOU H4V3 WR1TT3N 3NT1R3 NOV3LS WORTH OF 3ROT1C BL4CKROM F4NF1CS 4BOUT TH3M

AG: WH8T?

AG: I DID NOT!!!!!!!!

GA: Could Have Fooled Us

AG: Whether or not I have written smut a8out two incredi8ly 8ad-ass men is not up for de88!!!!!!!!

AG: We are talking a8out how this movie is really good!!!!!!!!!

GG: no, you are doing that.

GT: And me :)

AG: Thank you Jake. I am glaaaaaaaad at least someone gets it.

GG: but jake likes all movies!

TG: we are now in a conversation where people think jake has a better taste in movies then the rest of us

EB: i am not quite sure what to think about this

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE JUST A PERFECT FUCKING IDEA?

GC: G33 K4RK4T, WH4T WOULD TH4T B3? >:]

CG: YOU KNOW HOW JOHN CUSACK REPEATEDLY TOLD US THERE SHOULD BE NO GUNS WHATSOEVER ON THAT PLANE, EXCEPT NEAR THE PILOT IN CASE OF A WORST CASE SCENARIO?

GC: WHY Y3S K4RK4T, 1 TH1NK 1 R3M3MB3R TH4T?

CG: LETS COMPLETELY IGNORE THAT SHIT AND GIVE OUR MOLE A GUN ANYWAY.

CG: THERE IS NO WAY THAT CAN GO WRONG AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT PERFECTLY FOR EVERYONE FOREVER.

GC: WHY TH4T DO3S SOUND L1K3 4 GR34T 1D34

CG: BEING A LEADER OF WHATEVER BRANCH OF WHATEVER HUMAN ORGANISATION THIS IS MUST BE EASIER THEN I THOUGHT!

GC: 4LL PR41S3 OUR GLOR1OUS L34DER!

GT: Why, he is merely concerned for the safety of his agent.

CG: SO BRINGING A WEAPON IN AN ENVIROMENT FULL OF MURDERERS SEEMS LIKE AN OK THING TO DO?

GA: Quote

GA: Your Testicles Will Be My Property

GA: End Quote

GA: Is That Considered Sanitary

TT: No, not particularly.

GA: I See

GA: Is This Perhaps Considered Hispanic

TT: No, it is not.

GT: Blimey I do like how cool Cyrus plays it all.

AG: I know right!!!!!!!!

GT: He is as calm as a cucumber. I don’t think he would be out of place as a bond villain.

AG: A what?

GT: Oh, it is a series of movies about a suave spy. A lot of bombastic explosions, visually pleasing women and insane villains. Really quite enjoyable.

AG: Sounds like something I should check out……..

EB: see, that cool delivery of cyrus is one of the problems i have with this film.

AG: Joooooooohn, for the l8st time. There are NO problems with Con Air!!!!!!!!

EB: but there are!

EB: all actors only know how to act two ways; calm and emotionless, like Cyrus here or even Nicholas Cage during his montage.

GG: or batshit insane like the douchebag from earlier or everyone at some point later in the movie.

EB: exactly!

AG: Pah. This doesn’t distract me from the film at aaaaaaaall.

CG: HUMANS CAN HIDE SHIT IN THEIR HANDS?

GC: W3LL DUH

CG: NO, I DON’T THINK YOU SMELLED THIS RIGHT. LITERALLY INSIDE THEIR FUCKING HANDS.

GC: HMMM TH4T’S ODD

TT: It is not something we can recommend

TG: shit hurts like a motherfucker

TG: unless we pop it in at just the right angle

TG: then we can pretty much use our skin as extra pockets

GA: That Sounds Horrifying

CG: MORE LIKE DISGUSTING!

GT: Really? We can do those things?

TG: oh you are precious English

CG: AND NOW HE LIGHTS A GUY ON FIRE WITH THE CONTENTS FROM HIS STOMACH.

CG: I WOULD HAVE BEEN A HELL OF A LOT MORE CAREFULL IF I KNEW THESE FUCKING HUMANS COULD SPIT FIRE. MAYBE EVEN ACTED KINDER TOWARDS STRIDER, THOUGH THAT WOULD LAST ALL OF FIVE SECONDS BECAUSE THE DOUCHE WOULD OPEN HIS MOUTH AND SAY SOMETHING PUNCH-WORTHY BEFORE I PROPERLY REGISTER HIS FUCKING FIRE-BREATHING ABILITIES.

TG: karkat you have no idea

TG: i only spit the illest fires

TG: i am like paarthurnax with the flu

TG: that is just how i do

TG: so check out me and my crew

TG: fire spitting for you

TT: Yes our rhymes are truly hotter than a solar flare

TT: catching unreal air, tripping over stairs

TT: so you suckers cannot do a single thing but stare

TG: wait

TT: now everybody prepare, here comes the verse of the heir

TG: what

CG: WHAT

AG: The fuck?!

GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4

GG: whoa rose!!!!!!!!

GT: Blimey

GA: Rose

GA: Are You Feeling Alright

TT: Oh I am fine.

TT: But John is seriously in danger of cramping our style here.

EB: sorry?

TT: The metaphorical stage was wide open for you to set some proverbial flames but alas…. The call remained unanswered.

EB: yeah….. uhm…. i don’t really rap?

TG: john’s cramping your style?

TG: woman your cramping mine

TT: Scared of a little competition dave?

TG: no

TG: but rapping is my thing

TG: you are just doing this ironically or something to mess with me

TT: Why if I am doing this ironically it should be even better don’t you think?

TG: fuck it

TG: lets see what nicholas cage is doing

GA: So Because Of One Little Fire All The Dangerous Prisoners Are Set Loose

GA: That Strikes Me As Poor Design

TT: To be fair, they assumed the prisoners were cuffed.

GC: WHY NOT JUST H4V3 4 B1G W33N13RO4ST W1TH TH3 PR1SON3RS 1N C4S3 OF 4 F1R3 >:]

AG: 8ecause Nic Cage is among them of course!!!!!!!!!

GC: CONS1D3R1NG TH3 R3ST OF TH3 P4SS3NG3RS TH3Y M4Y W4NT TO CONS1D3R T4K1NG TH4T R1SK

EB: you can’t do that to cage.

EB: he is a national treasure .

EB: :B

GG: see, the movie should end about here.

GG: the pilot tells the control tower what’s going on, gets shot, plane crashes

GG: and so the pilot saves everyone the trouble of having to deal with cyrus and saves everyone from what happens at the end.

GT: That does sound rather dark Jade.

GT: Are you feeling alright? Your skin still the right tone?

GG: I AM NOT GOING GRIMBARK!

GG: i am just so sick of this movie.

TG: welp the bad guys have the plane

TG: that sucks

AG: Yeeeeeeees, and Cyrus has planned for everything.

AG: If oooooooonly there was a tough and handsome maverick on 8oard to foil his plans.

GC: G4SP

GC: YOU DON’T M34N

AG: that’s riiiiiiiight

AG: Nicholas Cage has to stop the crooks from running wild.

GC: HMMMMM

GC: 1 B3GRUDG1NGLY 4DM1T TH4T TH1S 1S 4 PR3TTY 4W3SOM3 S3T UP

GT: Why would you begrudge it?

GT: I think it’s the proverbial bees knees

CG: YEAH ITS ALRIGHT, FOR AN ACTION FLICK. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH WRIGGLEROOM FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT HERE.

GT: Come again?

CG: THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON FOR THE MAIN CHARACTER TO DEVELOP. HE HAS TO CLEVERLY FIGHT HIS WAY OUT AND HIS BACKSTORY ALREADY EXPLAINS HE CAN DO THAT.

CG: BY THE END OF THE MOVIE HE’LL BE THE SAME NICHOLAS CAGE AS HE IS NOW.

GT: That is quite the bold prediction you make there my friend.

CG: MARK MY WORDS.

AG: You cleeeeeeeearly don’t know what you are talking a8out.

EB: of course.

EB: the only reason the movie is R-rated and not PG-13. the rapist.

AG: Johnny 23, named after his amount of victims. He 8oasts that he’d 8e called Johnny 600 if they counted all his misdeeds.

GC: HOW D14BOL1C4L.

GA: Is That Considered Hispanic

TT: Well the actor is……

GA: I See

TT: But that’s not the point. What he does is not Hispanic, by which I mean the raping of women isn’t considered Hispanic specifically but….. Oh dear.

GA: I Am Afraid I Do Not Follow

TT: Is this going to bother you troughout the movie?

GA: Probably

TT: it’s like….. having ancestors that come from a specific corner of the world.

TG: rose fo shame

TG: your description does injustice to the proud latino culture

GA: Latino

GA: Questionmark

TT: Dave, don’t confuse her any further.

GC: Y3S! H3 JUST GOT C4G3D

GC: >8]

AG: Yeeeeeeees, Cameron Poe is trained to protect the innocent.

EB: yeah, nicholas cage is pretty much a flawless human being.

AG: So you DO like the movie!!!!!!!!

EB: what? no i don’t.

AG: You just said so!

EB: i said nicholas cage is a great guy, that doesn’t mean i like the movie.

GG: i bet he’s a douchebag in real life

EB: actually he’s just kinda goofy.

EB: he named his son after superman and wanted to play ghostrider so bad he got a giant tattoo.

GG: why would he name his son superman?

EB: worse, he named him kal-el, the kryptonian name.

GG: pfffft, the poor kid.

EB: he was this close to playing superman. now that would have been epic.

TG: nop

EB: oh come on.

TG: nu uh

TG: we are not sullying the great american icon with the face of nicholas cage

TG: have some self-respect man

TG: that’s like leaving crayon drawings all over the statue of liberty

TG: actually nevermind that would be awesome

TG: having nicholas cage play superman would be like michael cera playing the hulk

EB: who?

TG: exactly

AG: I just loooooooove the interaction 8etween these three.

AG: They really don’t trust each other 8ut stick together 8ecause they are all convicts

AG: I would watch a movie a8out these three 8reaking out together

GC: W3LL OF COURS3 YOU WOULD

GG: every expansion of this story is too much!

EB: jade you’re a little overreacting.

AG: Seriously!!!!!!!!

EB: i actually kind of like the villains i guess.

AG: Yes!

CG: SO BASICALLY WE HAVE THREE GUYS WITH QUESTIONABLE MENTAL CAPABILITIES IN CHARGE OF A PLANE FULL OF MURDERERS?

CG: FROM THIS POSITION THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO. THE AUTHORITIES WILL BE WAITING ON THEM REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DO AND WILL GO ON A NATIONWIDE MANHUNT IF THEY REALIZE THE PLANE FULL OF MADMEN IS LOST.

CG: WHAT IS THEIR BIG PLAN? GO LIVE ON AN ISLAND SOMEWHERE? THEN EVERYONE GETS LEMONADE?

CG: OH YEAH, THAT GUY WAS STILL THERE.

CG: YOU’D THINK THEY TRAIN THERE AGENTS A LITTLE BETTER. THIS GUY HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING.

CG: IF YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY AXE MURDERERS, RAPISTS AND LOONY TUNES YOU DON’T TRY TO TAKE A HOSTAGE THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT.

CG: AND YOU ESPECIALLY *DON’T* IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS A CNN AGENT WHEN THE GUN YOU HOLD IS BASICALLY A PEASHOOTER.

TT: DEA

CG: IDC

GG: even more stupid, diamond dog just TOLD them they are going to land in a place with lot of cops and that everyone needs to follow the plan for it to work.

GG: if he just kept his head down till they reached the airport and did something to draw the attention he could have solved the entire movie right there!

GC: 4LSO, WHO 1S TH1S 3MPLOY3R CYRUS M3NT1ONS

GC: COULD TH1S 4LL B3 P4RT OF SOM3 GR34T3R SCH3M3 BY 4 UNS33N PUPP3TM4STER?

AG: errrrrrrr……..

GC: TH3Y COMPL3T3LY FORG3T 4BOUT 1T DON’T TH3Y?

GG: yup

EB: actually they address it…. sorta

GG: what?

GG: how did I miss that?

EB: they don’t address it very well like; this is the employer.

GT: Cameron Poe plays it cool though. Just listen how he tries to talk the man down.

GT: He even says it; “you know you’re in a situation you can’t control right?”

GT: The bloke is merely frightened out of his mind amidst all this chaos.

TG: yeah he tries to talk him down

TG: with the same droning voice he used throughout the movie

GT: Alright, then what about Cyrus? The bootlegged Snake uses a woman as a human shield.

TT: I was under the impression she was at the other side of the plane when this started……..

GT: Crikey that looks like it hurt

GC: M4YB3 H3’S JUST SL33P1NG

TG: whoa what a dick

TG: acting like it’s all nic cage’s fault

TG: maybe he should just let you die from your diabetes

TG: man that’s a lame way to go

GA: Indeed

GA: These Are Not Exactly Words To Inspire Your Friend With Confidence

GA: He Is Essentially Accusing Him Of Being Friends With Cyrus

CG: AND BLAMES HIM FOR THE DEATH OF AGENT MCGUFFIN. SOMETHING THAT WAS ENTIRELY THE FAULT OF THE NSA AGENT HIMSELF. WHAT A DOUCHE.

TG: and his name is baby-o

TG: now if that isn’t the name of a prison bitch i don’t know what is

GA: What Do You Mean

TG: i mean he probably dropped the soap a couple of times

GA: Is That Considered Bad In Human Culture

TG: only on Tuesdays

GA: I Swear You Have The Strangest Culture

GT: Such a noble figure.

GT: Mr Cage has a perfectly good chance to get off the plane but refuses to do so to help guard Bishop as well as his mate.

GT: Truly an outstanding act of selflessness.

TG: really cage would be well within his right to just swat his black friend

TT: He merely hasn’t seen any intimacy with someone without an y chromosome for years. He sees a potential mate in Bishop and tries his very best to impress her.

TT: Hence the white knighting and his decision to stay on board.

GT: ……. No? I think he just wants to stay on board to help his friend and sabotage the bad guys

AG: Seriously, what the hell Lalonde!!!!!!!!

TT: I prefer my own interpretation. It adds some depth to the fairly straightforward character of Cameron Poe.

AG: Not everythiiiiiiiing has to 8e a8out messed up psyches you know?

AG: Of course, look who I’m talking to.

AG: You pro8a8ly can’t get haaaaaaaard without imagining damaged psyches.

TT: Is this a bad moment to tell you I’ve been observing yours?

AG: WH8T?!

TT: Oh yes Vriska.

TT: Let me study you. Let me delve into your psyche and let us both uncover its darkest secrets.

AG: Get the fuck away from me!

TT: I want to psycho-analyze you sooooooo hard. All night long.

AG: THOSE WERE 7 O’S YOU CR8ZY 8ITCH!

EB: won’t lie, cyrus still makes me chuckle a little.

EB: the way he tells baby-o off, the way he treats pinball and how he takes to the whole hijacking thing like it’s a walk in the park.

AG: Hah! I know right!

TT: Would you say your attraction to bad-boys originated from your days as a wriggler?

AG: SHUT THE FUCK UP L8LONDE!

CG: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST. THE AUTHORITIES CATCH ONTO THIS HEIST IN THE SLOWEST FUCKING WAY POSSIBLE.

CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF CAREFULLY RESEARCHING THE CELL OF THE MOST DANGEROUS INMATE YOU HAVE IN HOLDING *AFTER* SENDING HIM FAR OUT OF YOUR REACH?

CG: THESE INCREDIBLE DICKPISTONS HOWEVER HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING TO SHARE A SOLITARY BRAINCELL AMONGST ALL OF THEM TO MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTERS LOOK COOL.

EB: huh. i hadn’t even thought of that.

EB: but yeah, i guess everyone BUT John Cusack, Nicholas Cage and Cyrus are kind of stupid.

CG: HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE THAT?

EB: i was just too distracted with how silly it all is i guess.

CG: JOHN, FOR FUCK SAKE OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE BIGGER PICTURE TO SEE HOW FAR THIS MONUMENT OF SHIT SPREADS.

CG: EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES IS MADE OUT OF FROZEN STUPID.

GC: D4NG1T

GC: DO YOU TH1NK YOU C4N 4RGU3 4 L1TTL3 H4RD3R?

EB: we weren’t really arguing.

EB: were we?

EB: this doesn’t count as arguing when karkat is involved.

CG: THANK YOU.

GC: BUT 1 N33D ‘R3L4PS3 1NTO HUM4N K1SM3S1TUD3’ FOR MY B1NGO >:[

GC: 1 S4W D4V3 SCR1BBL1NG 1 KNOW 1 4M F4LL1NG B3H1ND

CG: STRIDER I WILL TEAR YOUR FUCKING BINGO CARD TO SHREDS, EAT THE SHREDS AND SHIT THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT!

TG: if that turns you on dude

CG: RAAAAAAAAHRWG!

TT: Ah, incomprehensible roaring. I do believe this one is mine.

GT: Ah those fortunate dastards. The sandstorm will blur the vision of the guards so Cyrus and his cronies can convincingly pose as the agents that came with the plane.

GT: Masterstroke of quick wit.

GG: yes. also the convicts remove the gps tracker of the plane.

GG: a: implying they somehow knew where this tracker was

GG: b: implying they know how to remove it without setting off like a gazillion alarmbells

GG: c: implying those ESSENTIAL GPS TRACKERS even CAN be removed from a plane that logically needs to be tracked AT ALL FUCKING TIMES!

GG: d: GOD THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!

CG: WOAH……. JADE

CG: HOLY SHIT.

GG: i’m sorry, i am just so done with con air.

GG: maybe i should just minimize the screen and stay in the chat

CG: NO NO, PLEASE. CONTINUE WATCHING THIS WITH US.

TT: Karkat clumsily hitting on one of the prospit beta’s, check.

TG: oh bs

TG: you did not have that one

TG: let me see that

TT: Read it and weep

GA: Perhaps You Could Continue This Little Game In Silence

GA: I Do Believe You Are Upsetting Karkat

TG: well that’s the point

GC: SO TH3Y GOT L1K3 4 SUP3R PR1SON3R TH4T 1S SO D4NG3ROUS H3 H4S TO B3 WH33L3D 4ROUND L1K3 TH4T

GC: H3 1S SO D4NG3ROUS H3 3V3N G3TS 4 FUNNY L1TTL3 M4SK TO PR3V3NT H1M FROM SP34K1NG 4ND OR B1T1NG

GC: 4ND H3 1S SO D4NG3ROUS TH4T H3 W4S 4 L4ST M1NUT3 4DD1T1ON TO TH4T FL1GHT

GT: Well you cannot account for bureaucratic shenanigans can you?

GC: BUR34UCR4TS 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO PR3V3NT SH3N4N1G4NS L1K3 TH4T!

GT: Really? Does bureaucracy fare better on your world?

GC: W3LL Y34H

GC: TH3Y PR3TTY MUCH CULL 4NYON3 WHO DO3SNT FUNCT1ON OR DO3SNT 4GR33

GT: Cruel as that sounds….. I err……

GT: I suppose I cannot argue with its effectiveness.

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 >:]

GG: *groan*

GT: Hahahaha awesome!

AG: I know right!!!!!!!!

CG: WHAT ARBITRARY NONSENSE! ARE THEY SUSPECTING US TO BELIEVE THIS?

CG: CYRUS IS SUCH A SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME SUPER CONVICT HE CAN CREATE A HIGH GRADE EXPLOSIVE FROM MATERIALS HE COLLECTED AROUND PRISON. ASSUMING THAT SOMEHOW, THROUGH SOME HIDEOUS QUIRK OF FATE THE LESSER INTELLIGENT MAY DESCRIBE AS A MIRACLE, SOMEHOW HE KNEW HOW TO CREATE A BOMB LIKE THAT TO BEGIN WITH.

CG: KISS MY ASS.

AG: Well may8e he’s a chemist? You ever thought of that????????

AG: He has to have gotten the name ‘the virus’ somehoooooooow. May8e he was a chemist and works aaaaaaaall sorts of nasty poisons and explosions.

CG: OOOOOOOOOOOH.

CG: WELL THAT MAKES IT OK THEN. LET’S CONTINUE WATCHING AND SEE IF WE SEE CYRUS’ FUCKING CHEMISTRY SKILLS IN ACTION.

CG: SINCE, YOU KNOW, HE IS OBVIOUSLY SOME SORT OF FUCKING WIZARD ESCAPED FROM THE TOWER OF MAGI OR WHATEVER!

CG: SINCE HE CAN CREATE A COMPLEX CODE TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIS CRONIES USING ONLY A CERTIFICATE AND TWO PICTURES. YOU WONDER WHY HE DIDN’T JUST FUCKING CONTACTED THEM TELEPATHICALLY!

GC: NO ON3 GO1NG TO COMPL41N 4BOUT TH3 3XPLOS1ON 3FF3CT?

GG: does anything even needs to be said?

GC: NO BUT 1 WOULD L1K3 TO ACKNOWL3DG3 1T

EB: ok i admit. Considering the circumstances that was a pretty clever ruse

TG: yeah

TG: setting the tape recorder to it was spring open at the exact moment it could rise suspicion

TG: brilliant idea

TG: all part of the plan

TG: leaving nothing to chance at all

TG: truly he is the chess master

TG: it is him

EB: huh. well when you put it like that then i guess it’s a bit silly.

AG: Joooooooohn, don’t listen to him.

AG: He cleeeeeeeearly doesn’t know what he’s talking a8out.

AG: Even though luck aaaaaaaalways plays a part, he was the lucky one. It was him.

GC: LUCK 4LW4YS PL4YS 4 P4RT YOU S4Y?

AG: This is a Nicholas Cage film, let him guide you through it and enjoy the ride.

GG: having nicholas cage as my guide is the last thing i want!

AG: Jade deeeeeeeear, I wasn’t talking to you.

EB: well yeah. i guess if you just look at it like that it’s just a silly action movie.

AG: Good. We’re moving up from dislike. Progress ::::)

TT: Serket

AG: Yeeeeeeees????????

TT: If I note any hint of manipul8ion I will psycho-analyze you. hard, long and intense.

AG: WH8T?!

GC: W1LL YOU JUST FUCK 4LR34DY?

GA: Stretching The Suspension Of Disbelief Here

GG: just here?

GA: Did Mr Swampthing Learn To Fly Just From Books He Somehow Got His Hands On

TT: Actually human prisons can have quite an extensive library.

GA: Regardless

GA: One Would Think Actual Flying Requires More Than Just Reading About It

AG: Perhaps Swampthing was a pilot 8efore he got thrown into the slammer!

CG: YOU CAN’T USE AN EXCUSE LIKE THAT TWICE SERKET!

CG: STRIDER PUT THAT FUCKING BINGOCARD AWAY OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FOLD YOUR STUPID FUCKING GLASSES INTO A BICYCLE AND SHRINK YOU TO SUCH A SIZE THAT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO USE IT TO GET BACK TO THAT GARBAGEDUMP YOU CALL A HIVE.

CG: SO CLOSE YOU FUCKING HUMANS. SO CLOSE.

GT: Is something rustling your jimmies my loud pal?

CG: RUSTLING MY…. WHAT?

GT: Ah let me rephrase that.

GT: Is something getting your goat?

CG: WHAT IS THIS OBSESSION WITH SHRILL BEARDED LIVESTOCK?

GT: ……..

GT: Is something upsetting you?

CG: THESE FUCKING HUMANS WERE THIS CLOSE, *THIS* FUCKING CLOSE TO GETTING A PROPER KISMESITUDE ON FILM. THERE ARE MOMENTS IN THE DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE DOUCHEBAG AND JOHN CUSACK THAT ARE TRULY MASTERFULLY EXECUTED BLACKROM FLIRTATIONS.

GT: A romance between John Cusack and…….. Huh?

GT: I am afraid I don’t see it.

CG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF…………

CG: DID YOU ASSHOLES FORGET TO TELL HIM ABOUT KISMESITUDE? REALLY?

CG: THIS IS CRUCIAL SHIT PEOPLE!

TG: i consider it more shit than crucial

AG: I caaaaaaaan’t get enough of this guy.

AG: He is a 8ad-ass and he enjoys eeeeeeeevery moment of it.

GG: well he has an unfair advantage

GG: he knows the GPS thing is taken off the plane

AG: Yes!

AG: Cause he’s soooooooo clever.

AG: And Nicholas Cage 8lends in so smoothly. What a 8oss.

GC: T4UNT1NG TH3 L4W CYRUS DO3S

GC: H3 1S JUST 4SK1NG FOR 4 V1SU4LLY 1RON1C4LLY D34D

GC: L1K3 G3TT1NG H1T OV3R TH3 H34D W1TH 4 G4V3L

GC: OR M4UL3D BY ANGRY T1G3RS

GT: I fail to see how this is visually ironic

GC: 1T 1SN’T

GC: BUT 1T WOULD B3 V3RY 4MUS1NG

GT: Errr….. *backs away slowly*

GC: *FOLLOWS TH3 B3SP3CT4CL3D HUM4N* 4R3 W3 ROL3PL4Y1NG? SH3 4SKS.

GT: ……… No?

GC: OH

GC: P1TY

TG: dodged a bullet there bro

GC: H3Y >:[

TG: protip

TG: get out once she gets the furry suits

GC: D4V3!

GA: Oh

GA: Is Mrs Poe Going To Be Involved With The Story

AG: Eh, not reeeeeeeeally……..

AG: She kinda fades to the 8ackground when held up against murderers and Nicholas Cage

GA: I See

GA: Pity

GA: She Seems To Be Just A Plot device Then

GA: An Object To Set The Story In Motion

GA: By Which I Mean She Got Threatened With Rape So Nicholas Cage Defends Her With All Consequences

GA: And She Serves As The Goal For The Protagonist

GA: Being Reunited With Her

EB: what’s your point?

GA: That Her Character Is Completely One Dimensional And Not Worth The Screen Time She Is Given

GG: dave

TG: yo

GG: what is a housenigger?

TT: pffft….. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

TT: Please Dave. Elaborate.

TG: don’t shove this on my plate like some nasty veggies you don’t want

TT: The lady specifically asked you.

EB: oh geesh……… how do we explain this.

GT: I didn’t want to ask, but I am just as confused as you are Jade.

CG: SERKET?

AG: Not a clue.

GG: :(

TG: couldn’t you ask egbert during your billionth viewing

GG: well i tried asking davesprite but he was just as evasive about it :(

TG: christ

TG: so ok a housenigger

TG: basically

TG: imagine a robobutler

TG: but its not a robot

TG: and there is a whole lot of racism

GG: what?

GT: What?

GA: What Is Wrong With That Mans Pronunciation Of The Word Murder

GA: There Is A Very Noticeable U In There

GA: As Opposed To The Oi Sound He Uses

AG: Also note that they are de8ating the philosophy of civilization!!!!!!!!

AG: This movie has soooooooo many layers it’s insane

GG: mentioning something a dead guy once said is not debating philosophy!

AG: 8ut they discuss whether or not murderers deserve humanity, how is that not interesting!!!!!!!!?

GC: B3C4US3 1T G3TS R3SOLV3D 4FT3R ON3 3XCH4NG3 W1TH 4 FUCK YOU

CG: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THAT THIRD INCREDIBLY WELL-DEVELOPPED COP CHARACTER MUST BE THE WORST AUSPISTICE IN THE WORLD.

CG: HE IS A COMPLETE BITCH FOR THE SHOUTY GUY.

GT: Oh goodie. Now we are getting to the action part of this action movie.

GT: Expensive military hardware set to explode anything that looks at them funny.

GT: Extensive firefights with the criminals on the run.

GT: Truly this is the pinnacle of human cinema.

AG: Yeeeeeeees, 8ut you are forgetting oooooooone thing.

GT: Oh?

AG: They are following that GPS thing. And where oh where did that go.

GT: Well they planted that doohickey on another’s plane.

GT: Hijinx ensues?

AG: Shenanigans are afoot.

GT: Silliness is bound to happen.

TG: RIP dave chappelle.

TG: may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

TG: you moderately funny comedian.

GA: I See

GA: This Is Very Quick Thinking On Mr Cage His Part

GA: But

GA: How Does He Know Who To Send It To

GA: He Never Met Or Spoken To John Cusack

GC: M4YB3 H3 OV3RH34RD H1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH CYRUS

GA: There Is No Indication Of That

AG: 8ut it is oooooooo8viously what happened.

GA: I Suppose It Is The Only Logical Explanation

GG: but where oh where did the pen come from?

GA: Pardon

GG: well he has to have found that pen somewhere, otherwise he couldn’t have written all that stuff on dave chappelle’s shirt.

GG: where did it come from?

EB: one of the boxes with personal belongings i guess?

GC: CONV3N13NT

GT: So…….

GT: Bloody…..

GT: Spectacular.

CG: NICHOLAS CAGE JUST MURDERED, WOUNDED AND/OR TRAUMATISED AT LEAST TWENTY PEOPLE BY DROPPING A CORPSE FROM THE PLANE.

CG: NOT EXACTLY THE PERFECT PLAN ASSHOLE.

AG: Oh come ooooooon. What else was he supposed to do????????

GT: Jump down, catch the corpse and use a parachute for a safe landing.

AG: Laaaaaaaame.

AG: As if he can get his hands on a parachute without 8eing suspicious as fuck.

GT: I don’t know, I am just tossing suggestions around.

CG: DEAR GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FACE? HE LOOKS HORRIFYING. LIKE A HUMAN ONE DAY DECIDED TO MATE WITH A DEEPSEA ANGLERFISH.

TT: The actor is actually renowned for his….. peculiar look.

GA: He Appears To Be The Sanest Person On The Plane

GA: Which Is Odd Considering The Way They Build Him Up

GA: Like Some Sort Of Super Criminal

GC: 4 M4N WHO F33LS STR3SS3D 4ND P41N3D 1N MOM3NTS OF L3V1TY?

GC: 1S TH1S 4 R34L D1SORD3R ROS3?

TT: Possibly. I would have to look it up.

GC: PL34S3 DO

CG: OK, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SMELLING AT ME LIKE THAT?

CG: I DON’T FEEL PAIN WHEN I AM HAPPY. I FEEL HAPPY WHEN I AM HAPPY.

GC: PL34S3 HURRY ROS3

CG: GODDAMNIT TEREZI!

CG: YES, BRILIANT.

CG: YOU KNOW HOW THAT WRIGGLER’S FATHER IS IN A INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS SITUATION AND MIGHT EVEN BE CO-CONSPIRING WITH THE VILLAINS FOR AS FAR AS JOHN CUSACK KNOWS?

CG: LET’S INVITE THE WRIGGLER TO BE BRIEFED ABOUT HER FATHER’S SITUATION AS WELL.

CG: THAT IS TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL.

GA: And Once Again The Wife And Child Add Nothing To The Plot

GA: They Merely Function As End Goal For Nicholas Cage

TG: and so john Cusack comes into action

TG: riding the car of his douchebag collegue with a even douchier novelty plate

TG: i swear

TG: if i ever had a chance to get my driver’s license i was going to get the biggest and douchiest of all novelty plates just to piss people off

TG: i would be like santa claus

TG: spreading road rage to all the good little boys and girls

TG: have you been bad this year lil timmy

TG: don’t worry

TG: i am not a judgmental asshole like the jolly red man

TG: rage for everyone

CG: EVERYTHING YOU SAY MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT JUST A LITTLE MORE.

TG: if you do i am only one tantrum away from a bingo

CG: YOU ARE SCUM.

TT: And what, pray tell, would this douchiest novelty plate be?

TG: torn between ATTNHO

TG: GR8D8B8

TG: and PLZBHATN

EB: oh god, that last one is atrocious.

AG: What’s wrong with GR8D8B8?

CG: A GUY ACTUALLY USING HIS BRAIN? FUCKING FINALLY. BUT ONCE AGAIN IT IS A VILLAIN AND/OR NIC CAGE.

GC: ST1LL TH1S 1S 4 TR3M3NDOUS BR34CH OF PR1V4CY

CG: AND HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT NIC CAGE READED THE TELEPHATIC SIGNS THAT THIS ASSHOLE WENT DOWN TO DIG THROUGH HIS STUFF AND MESS EVERYTHING UP.

AG: Put

EB: Put

AG: The 8unny

EB: the bunny

AG: 8ack

EB: back

AG: IN

EB: IN

AG: THE 8OX!!!!!!!!

EB: the box!!!!!!!!

CG: AND SO POE KILLS ANOTHER ONE OF HIS FELLOW MEN. NICE ONE.

EB: oh he should have put liv tyler back in the box.

GT: Terry Kiser

GT: And jumping jehosaphat that was a tight fight scene.

EB: i know right!

AG: Alright John. I don’t caaaaaaaare what you say, you still LIKE Con Air.

EB: but it’s so stupid!

AG: Come oooooooon. You were just as into the 8unny scene as I was just now!!!!!!!!

GG: seriously john, you aren’t fooling anyone :P

EB: but i don’t LIKE con air.

EB: it is incredibly silly. the dialogue is stupid and cameron poe isn’t written to do nicholas cage justice.

EB: just wait till the later action scenes. it is soooooooo goofy!

TT: John, are you perhaps familiar with the phrase: guilty pleasure?

EB: what is that?

TT: As I thought.

GT: Oh those bumbling ninnies finally realize they have been tracking a decoy.

GT: If only they had listened to John Cusack. They would have seemed them this frankly embarrassing display, hilarious as it may be.

CG: YES. NOW HE HAS TO FACE JOHN CUSACK, WHO WAS RIGHT AL ALONG. THIS KISMESITUDE SEEMS TO BE GROWING STALE AND ONE –SIDED VERY QUICKLY.

CG: INSTEAD OF A RIVALRY BETWEEN EQUALS WE HAVE GOD-AMONGST-MEN JOHN CUSACK AND BUMBLING MORON, FLABBY WHATSHISFACE.

GT: So this kismesitude thing is about rivalry?

CG: WELL, NOT ENTIRELY BUT IT IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE CORNERSTONES OF A HEALTHY KISMESITUDE.

GT: Hmmhmm I see.

GC: 3XPOS1T1ON ON QU4DR4NTS. CH3CK.

CG: QUIET.

GT: Could one, hypothetically, have a kismesitude with a robot?

CG: WHAT?!

CG: NO, WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT? WHY WOULD ANYONE FALL IN HATE WITH A MACHINE?

GC: UNL3SS 1TS 4 SOULBOT

CG: RIGHT UNLESS IT’S A SOULBOT.

GT: Phew.

GT: Sure dodged a bullet on that one. That could have been mighty uncomfortable.

GA: Worst Part About Him Is

GA: That Sometimes In A Twisted Sort Of Way

GA: He Speaks Truth

TG: yeah not looking forward to working office fifty years and being told to piss of

TG: then again i was promised a great carreer in urban ninjaing

TG: we simply commit seppuku when we get too old to do a kickflip

TT: Dave, can you skate?

TG: i am a shame to my clan

GT: Yes but he also claims he wore the head of a little girl as a hat…..

GT: Yikes, that is such an unpleasant mental image.

GA: His Performance As Insane Person Is Eerily Convincing

GC: TONS OF D4M4G3, N34RLY CR4SH1NG 1NTO 4 PROP4N3 T4NK 4ND D3F1N1T3LY GOTT3N TH3 4TT3NT1ON OF 4NY HUM4N TH4T M4Y B3 W4TCH1NG

GC: 1NCLUD1NG TH4T POOR SOB 1N H1S L1TTL3 HOBBY PL4N3

GC: SO 4LL 1N 4LL IT W3NT B3TT3R TH4N 3XP3CT3D

CG: NO. FUCK THIS GUY.

CG: I WOULD STILL BE PISSED ABOUT HIS COMMENT EARLIER, ABOUT BLAMING POE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE THAT CRAZY BBW GUY WITH THE GUN.

TG: their relation truly is an inspiration for the lgbt community

CG: AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING ABBREVIATIONS!

GG: you think they are gay dave?

CG: WAS THAT WHAT HE MEANT?

TG: shit harley look at them

TG: roommates for eight years

TG: no women anywhere

TG: lonely winter nights

TT: Sexual Repression.

TG: why you got to look at me like that rose?

TT: I am merely amused by your quickly formulated hypothesis. Please continue.

TG: no no no no i know that look

TG: next youll be telling me how i secretly fantasize about getting a cork up my butt or whatever

TT: And do you?

TG: can we not do this right now?

TG: kanaya please call her off.

GA: Rose Dear

GA: Please Behave

GA: Your Brother Clearly Has A Lot Of Issues He Needs To Resolve But You Should Not Force The Issue

TG:

TG: goddamnit people

GC: 1 DON’T L1K3 TH3 T4LL D4RK GUY

GC: WH4T M4NN3R OF B34ST W4NTS TO K1LL 1NNOC3NT 3NFORC3RS OF TH3 L4W

GC: TH3 M4YOR WOULD B3 4SH4M3D

AG: 8ut Mr Cage comes to the rescue!

AG: What a man.

AG: What a smooooooooth talker.

GG: what a faaaaaaaake southern accent.

AG: What a handsome devil.

GG: he really needs a haircut……..

GC: SO TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH31R 3MPLOY3R COM3S 1N?

GC: TH3 SCR4WNY LOOK1NG CONV1CT TH3Y P1CK3D UP 34RL13R?

GC: CYRUS 1S OBV1OUSLY ST1LL 1N CH4RG3 SO W4S 1T M34NT TO B3 CUT3?

CG: MOVIE DOESN’T CARE AS LONG AS NIC CAGE, JOHN CUSACK AND CYRUS LOOK COOL.

AG: SWOOOOOOOON <33333333

GC: YUCK

GA: Oh Dear

GA: This Is Horrifying

GT: Rather quite.

GT: With this unpredictable predator she may end up a future hat

AG: I can’t help it…. 8ut that mental image just looks soooooooo funny to me.

CG: WELL YEAH, YOU’RE PSYCHOTIC.

GA: Garland Is Not Evil In The Way Cyrus Or His Cronies Are

GA: But There Is Something Very

GA: Disturbing

GA: About Him

GT: No I feel it too. There is definitely something eerie about him.

TG: there is something eerie about steve buscemi period

TG: no idea why that girl stays sitting there

TG: anyone would run seeing this guy

GT: Absolutely stunning how Nic Cage disarms those goons.

GT: He takes on those 3 goons like it’s nothing and still has the guts to stand up against John Cusack like a true boss.

GC: SOOOOO

GC: H3 TRUSTS JOHN CUS4CK 3NOUGH TO S3ND 4 F4LL1NG CORPS3 TO TH3 GUY

GC: BUT NOT 3NOUGH TO T3LL H1M WH4T’S GO1NG ON UNT1LL CUS4CK M3NT1ONS H1S F4M1LY

GC: C4N N1CHOL4S C4G3 M4YB3 M4K3 UP H1S M1ND ON WH3TH3R OR NOT TO TRUST TH1S GUY?

CG: THEY ARE SINGING.

CG: WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THEY SINGING?

CG: THIS IS NOT A SINGING MOVIE. THIS IS NOT A SINGING MOMENT.

CG: IF I WERE TO BREAK OUT IN A FUCKING MUSICAL ACT RIGHT NOW PEOPLE WOULD RIGHTFULLY PUNCH ME IN THE GUTS.

TT: It is meant to be disturbing

TT: Seeing the obvious psychopath in such a innocent setting all the while eyeing that little girl is a legitimate cause for concern.

CG: JUST LET HIM MAKE A HAT OUT OF HER ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH.

TG: heigh ho heigh ho

TG: this work’s gonna blow

GA: I Do Not Think The Limited Amount Of Manpower They Have Available Is Enough To Dig The Plane Out Before The Cops Arrive

GT: They have a tractor

GT: If You Look Carefully

GT: If you squint

GT: The point is, they are in a real hurry to get it out. Adrenaline starts pumping and you can achieve amazing feats.

CG: CONSIDERING THEIR TIME AND RESOURCES, CYRUS DOES A REALLY GOOD JOB DIRECTING THESE NUTJOBS.

AG: “and what is that thing over there?”

AG: “a rock” *kicks it away casually*

AG: AWESOME!

GT: That was indeed a great comically timed comment

GG: meh

TG: yes

TG: drugs

TG: awesome

GT: Bugger. Those soldiers didn’t stand a chance

GG: of course not. everyone but the core three characters are really incompetent.

GG: these supposedly well trained elite soldiers are completely taken off guard by what is really a simple trap

EB: meanwhile nicholas cage fearlessly rushes trough the explosions while the audience is starting to suspect baby-o might not be worth going through this.

GT: But look at how glorious this is shot. Truly extreme action blasting from the screen.

AG: And Cyrus’s quick setting up of those propane-8om8s support the idea that he studied chemistry!!!!!!!!

GC: NOW YOU JUST TRY TO S4V3 YOUR OWN S1LY TH3OR13

GT: Really, it is amazing to see how bravely Nicholas Cage rushes through the warzone to save his friend.

GG: and surprisingly no one aims for the convict running unarmed through the open with a target strapped to his back

AG: You know what they say, go out with a 8ang and all that.

GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK B1SHOP 4PPR3C14T3S TH3 S3NT1M3NT.

CG: SO THERE JUST HAPPENED TO BE A LARGE FUCKING BULLDOZER ON THE SCRAPHEAP THAT NOT ONLY WAS STILL OPERATIONAL BUT SOMEHOW HAD THE BLOODY KEY STUCK IN THE IGNITION?

CG: THERE’S HAPPY LITTLE COINCIDENCE AND THEN THERE IS PULLING SHIT OUT OF YOUR ARSE!

GT: It seems a bit contrived, but it is so gosh darned well executed I cannot hold it against the movie.

CG: YOU ARE MORE EASILY IMPRESSED THEN A BLACK FEATHERBEAST IN A TINFOIL FACTORY.

AG: YOU JUST GOT C8GED SON!

GT: He even managed to sabotage the plane amidst the firefight. What a legend this man.

EB: meh

EB: no one beside the rapist to notice he is doing all these obvious things to sabotage them?

EB: stopping the execution of those cops had some thought behind it, but he is going to have a hard time explaining the other things. Not coming with the fuel wagon, tying the plane up.

GG: no one turns his head to see what he is doing?

GT: I fear they are rather occupied with the shoot out.

EB: eh that’s fair.

GG: no it isn’t!

GA: I Feel Like A Witty One-Liner Should Go Here

GA: Why Is No One Dropping The Witty One-Liner

GC: L3T M3 G1V3 1T 4 SHOT

GC: LOOKS L1K3 H1S 4ZZ JUST GOT KCK3D

GC: Y3333333344444444444H >8]

TT: A callback to his novelty plate. Not bad.

TT:”So how are those airmiles working out?”

GA: I

GA: I Am Incredibly Confused By This

GA: Person

GA: I Thought Only Men Went To Prison

TT: No. Women go to different prisons.

GA: I See

GA: Then The Womans Prison Was Full And She Got Transferred?

TG: no

TG: see

TG: this is what we humans refer to as a trap

TG: the literal jailbait

GA: I Do Not Follow

TT: …..You know how human genders are defined correct?

GA: Yes

TT: Well this person acts and looks like one gender while being of the other. A man acting like a woman. Hence Dave’s less then eloquent description of ‘a trap’.

TG: come on that shit was gold

TT: Actually, brother mine, quite a lot of people would call it offensive for further reinforcing negative stereotypes surrounding LGBTTQQIAPA-culture.

TG: are you just making shit up as you go

TT: It stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, two-spirited, queer, questioning, intersex, a-sexual pansexual and aromantic, though I do agree that the acronym is more than a little bloated.

TG: no shit

TT: Regardless, calling her a trap is very offensive.

TG: fine ill cut down on the insensitivity but please find a more user-friendly acronym

TG: it looks like one of roxy's cats rolled all over your keyboard

GA: Well Whatever His or Her Genitalia

TT: I do believe she identifies as female, though the movie never explicitely states it.

GA: She Sure Seems To Know How To Party Regardless Of How She May Or May Not Identify

GT: And Garland has to make some incredibly ominous commentary again. Thank the lord we saw confirmation that apparently the child he was with is completely fine.

CG: WHAT A COP OUT.

TG: dude

TG: gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

TT: Is there a problem, brother mine?

TG: what no

TG: not at all

GG: oh yeah there was still the corpse of the guy Nic Cage murdered in the cargo hold.

GC: TH3Y PROB4BLY GOT 4L3RT3D BY TH3 SM3LL

GG: it also makes the black guy’s sacrifice COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.

GG: because the bad guys WENT to the cargo hold it doesn’t take a genius to figure out they read Nic Cage’s documents!!!!!

GG: i get that he wants to take the fall for his friend and in any other situation it would have been noble…..

GG: now it’s just stupid :(

AG: He hooooooooped they HADNT read the document.

GG: well that’s a stupid thing to bet your life on!

GT: Cyrus certainly seems dangerous now. His calm façade is fading and he clearly intents to murder Mr Cage.

GG: well yeah

GG: it surprises me it took them this long to figure out

GG: and there’s still about thirty minutes left :(

GC: 1 4M 1N 4GR33M3NT W1TH MRS FR3SHLY CUT GR4SS

GC: 1T TOOK TH3M W4Y TO LONG TO F1ND OUT

AG: Of course you are. You just want to h8 on this movie 8ecause I really like it!!!!!!!!

GC: 1 DON’T H4T3 TH3 MOV13

GC: 1N F4CT 1 TH1NK 1TS R4TH3R 3NJOY4BL3 >:]

AG: Oh…….. Did not expect that one.

GC: NOT L1V1NG UP TO TH3 HYP3 YOU BU1LT UP THOUGH

GC: FOR 3X4MPL3 1T F41L3D TO CUR3 MY 3Y3S1GHT W1TH 1TS SH33R 4W3SOM3N3SS

GG: :P

AG: Oh yeah, that was kiiiiiiind of stupid……..

TG: make a move or the bunny gets it

TG: cheesiest line ever

GG: cheesiest line ever

GT: Best line ever

AG: Best line ever

TG: huh

GG: !!!

GT: Oh dear

AG: Oh come oooooooon.

GC: F1GHT F1GHT F1GHT F1GHT

AG: Shut up Terezi.

CG: THEY ARE RIGHT FUCKING THERE. JUST FIRE 1 HEAVY EXPLOSIVE AND GET IT DONE WITH.

CG: BUT NO, HUMAN GOD, HOLY SAINT AND ARCHSAGE JOHN CUSACK MUST DISAGREE. WHAT BULLSHIT

GT: I

GT: John Cusack is not a saint is he?

GC: JUST 1GNOR3 1T 3NGL1SH

GC: H3 G3TS L1K3 TH4T

GT: Does he do that often?

GC: MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH

GC: BUT 1T N3V3R G3TS OLD

EB: so now poe has control of the plane.

GG: cyrus takes it well.

GC: 4ND TH3Y W1LL L4ND 1N 4 PROP3R HUM4N 41RPORT

GG: yes expect they don’t

GC: >:?

TG: Houston we have a problem

GA: Who Is Houston

TG: movie is a dick to LA

TT: So much property damage that could have been avoided by just shooting them out of the sky.

CG: COUNTLESS DEATHS ALL BECAUSE REINCARNATED SAVIOR JOHN CUSACK DIDN’T WANT TO SHOOT THE MURDERERS OUT OF THE SKY.

GT: Just look at this chaos, all these explosions. Absolutely marvelous how the movie never fails to raise the stakes.

EB: apparently they were going to tear this place down anyway so everyone kind of rushed to get these shots in.

EB: it does mean they could go nuts in property damage.

GT: Blimey what a stroke of luck.

GG: this

GG: just…… this.

GC: 1T W3NT BY SO F4ST 1 COULDN’T SM3LL 1T >:I

GG: one of the rotorblades got loose, ricocheted and sawed its way into the plane.

GG: going right between cyrus and nic cage

EB: they stand right next to each other

EB: but somehow the giant buzzing saw of death neatly dodges them

CG: THIS FUCKING MOVIE IS EXHAUSTING BY SUSPENSE OF DISBELIEF.

CG: SCRATCH THAT, IT JUST GOT FUCKING ASSASSINATED. IT’S ARMS GOT RIPPED OFF AND IT GOT SWATTED TO DEATH WITH THEM.

CG: CON AIR IS A FUCKING MURDERER.

GC: HOW

GC: TH3 PL4N3 CR4SH3D 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF TH3 C1TY

GC: YOU H4D 1T SURROUND3D

GC: YOU W3R3 4RM3D

GC: 4ND ST1LL THOS3 4SSHOL3S 3LUD3 YOUR GR4SP

GG: it isn’t that the crooks are stealthy

GG: it’s simply that the cops are clumsy

GG: the movie should be over now :(

EB: hold on a bit longer ok?

GT: Huzzah, the movie continues a bit longer!

GT: Just when you think it couldn’t get any better!

GG: *groan*

GC: 4ND NOW TH3Y SH4M3L3SSLY ST34L GOV3RNM3NT PROP3RTY

GC: B3C4USE *TH3Y* 4R3 TH3 ONLY ON3S TH4T C4N STOP CYRUS

CG: LEARN TO DELEGATE ASSHOLES!

GT: To be fair, John Cusack IS a marshal, so he should be allowed to ride those motorbikes.

CG: AND MORE FUCKING EXPLOSIONS.

CG: THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF OF THE MOVIE HAS BEEN ONE BIG ACTIONSCENE, OCASSIONALLY INTERRUPTED BY SECONDS OF TALKING.

GT: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

GA: And So Diamond Dog And Swampthing Die

GA: Finally

GA: But Whatever Happens To Cyrus

GA: Oh That Looks Like It Hurt

GA: But Now They Can Arrest Him And

GA: Oh Dear

GA: Oh My

GA: That Was Uncalled For

GC: 3L3CTROCUT1ON FOLLOW3D BY SKULL CRUSH1NG

TG: dont you just love the completely random skull crushing machine standing there

TG: just waiting for someone to see if it works

GC: 1 4PPROV3 OF TH1S FORM OF C4P1T4L PUN1SHM3NT 4ND PROPOS3 W3 CONS1D3R US1NG 1T OURS3LF 1N TH3 FUTUR3

CG: OVERRULED

GC: D4MN

CG: WHEN THE FUCKNUGGETS DID THESE TWO BECOME BEST FRIEND? HE ENDANGERED YOUR ENTIRE MISSION? HE CRUSHED YOUR CAR?

CG: FOR GODS SAKE JUST ONE TIME I WISH THESE HUMANS WOULD LEARN THE VALUE OF A GOOD HATESNOGGING.

CG: IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK?

TG: dude

TG: no homo

CG: DON’T YOU EVEN START WITH ME YOU CONDESCENDING PRICK. YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR OWN ANAL PASSAGE THAT HATESNOGGING YOU WOULD MAKE MY BREATH SMELL FOR WEEKS ON END!

TG: i am flattered and all but i think you have more chance of success with egbert

EB: what?

EB: dave don’t push this on me!

CG: DOESN’T MATTER. I HATE YOU BOTH ALMOST EQUALLY.

TG: threesome aint gonna happen either dude

TG: would just make it weird

CG: ARGEABAVRBNIRBNERNBRNBPEOQAH

TT: We already got incomprehensible growling Karkat. But if you would be so kind as to rant about erotic fanfiction for a moment I would be most grateful.

TG: except he shouldn’t

TG: that shit is the last one you need to complete your bingo you sneaky witch

AG: How do I………

AG: Get through one night without you………

AG: if I had to live without you

AG: what kind of life would that be?

EB: I need you and my arms need you to hold

EB: you’re my world, my heart, my soul

EB: if you were to leeeaaave

EB: baby that would take away everything good in my life

TT: Nominated for both the best and the worst original song the year the movie came out. It ultimately won neither, but it does show a very hate/love attitude towards it.

CG: IT’S WAY TO FUCKING SACCHARINE

EB: but i still get some shivers from this scene…… yeah.

EB: the emotional height of the movie, reuniting with his wife and child after such a struggle. giving her liv tyler. It is such a beautiful scene

TT: It’s a guilty pleasure John. You can enjoy something while being fully aware of how stupid it is.

EB: yeah, i think that sums it up yeah.

EB: it’s really dumb and really goofy but….. I just can’t bring myself to hate it.

AG: Yes!!!!!!!!

AG: I’ll take it!

AG: So that was con air everyone.

AG: Closing thoughts????????

GG: i am just really glad its over

GT: Don’t you think you’ve been a little harsh on this flick Jade?

GT: I really think it was quite cool with lots of action and a very well executed set-up.

GG: the first time i saw it, it was basically alright

GG: but i sat trough it so many times during our three year trip i really didn’t want to see it again

GG: i just enjoyed chatting up with you guys :/

GT: Ah, well I suppose that is sufficient in it’s own way.

GT: I however truly loved it. Unironically.

GG: of course YOU loved it, you big goof

GA: It Was A Relatively Harmless Film

GA: A Proper Way To Pass The Time

GA: Not Something I Would Soon Return To But Amusing In Its Own Right

TG: alright alright

TG: it was not as bad as i feared it would be

TG: though Nicholas cage’s ugly mug and his uglier accent still distracted the hell out of me

TG: was it set in stone that his character had to be from the south?

TG: couldn’t they make a few changes the first time they heard him stutter in that dialect?

TT: Hmmm I didn’t really like it.

AG: WH8T?

TT: Do not take it personal Vriska dear. It was merely a bit too pedestrian for my tastes.

TT: Too much macho and too little sophistication. In the latter half of the movie everything just kind of blurred together in one big action scene.

AG: Pah, you’re just pissed it doesn’t have your f8cking wizards.

TT: The presence of wizards would greatly improve con air, I agree.

CG: TEREZI, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

GC: 1T W4S FUN

GC: 1 GU3SS

CG: YEAH…. I AM NOT SURE HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE. IT IS STUPID, DUMB AND NICHOLAS CAGE IS AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TERRIBLE ACTOR.

EB: *gasp*

AG: *gasp*

CG: BUT I DON’T HATE IT. THE SET UP IS GREAT AND THE VILLAINS ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN TO WATCH.

EB: soooooooo i have a buddy in the guilty pleasure camp?

CG: I GUESS.

EB: awesome!

CG: RIGHT. GLAD WE SORTED THAT OUT.

AG: Alright then. Every8ody out so John and I can talk a8out Nic Cage and what movie to watch next.

CG: HOLD IT THE FUCK UP SERKET. I CALL DIBBS ON NEXT STREAM.

CG: I WILL MAKE YOU ASSHOLES WATCH AND APPRECIATE THE CLASSICS TO INSERT A LITTLE BIT OF GODDAMN CULTURE INTO YOUR ROTTEN CRANIUMS.

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned carcinoGeneticist [CG]--

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC]--

GA: If You Could Hold On A Moment Vriska Dear

GA: Perhaps You Could Meet Me After This Incredibly Important Discussion

AG: Uhm........ Yeah, sure.

GA: Wonderful

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned grimAuxiliatrix [GA]—

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned turntechGodhead [TG]—

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned gardenGnostic [GG]—

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned tentacleTherapist [TT]—

AG: So. Finally some priiiiiiiivacy.

EB: yes. now we can discuss strategy.

EB: what movie do you want to watch next?

AG: Lord of War looked preeeeeeeetty sweet.

EB: what about Face Off

AG: What a8out 8ad Lieutenant?

GT: Uhm…. Does it have to be a Nicholas Cage movie?

EB: oh, you were still here Jake?

AG: Crap. Forgot to 8an him. Let’s change that.

GT: If I may, I think I have a suggestion you might enjoy.

AG: Oh really????????

AG: Do tell……..