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My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby. We love him so much. However, I think we both grossly underestimated the trials of parenthood and my wife especially is struggling immensely. We read so many books, attended so many classes together, definitely though we were ready to be parents, but perhaps we should have waited a bit more... (we're in our mid-late twenties) The actual act of parenting turned out to be much harder and difficult than anyone could have told us. Our lives have been turned upside down.





Not to go into too much detail, our current situation is that my wife is stay at home (not working), and I'm working a fairly stressful job that keeps me occupied about 50-60 hours a week (including commuting time) and drains me mentally by the end of the day. Even with my wife staying at home, our baby really is a challenge. The biggest issue is that he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming. In short, my wife has not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time for almost a year now, and even going back to when she was pregnant, she had to get up often to pee. She looks absolutely terrible and she's constantly dazed and out of it.





We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums. Sometimes you have to leave him there and let him cry it out while you do something important, but it's still hard to hear him cry. To say the least, this is a kid that keeps you on your feet. I help out on the weekends and my god, I don't know how she does it 7 days a week. For me, after one day I'm exhausted. He doesn't give you an opportunity to do anything really.





Unfortunately. It's really taking a toll on my wife. She has a history of depression and anxiety and her mental health has reached an all time low. Talk about suicide is often something she brings up. I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better.





In short, maybe we weren't ready to be parents. We've been together 8 years and our marriage has been excellent, but since becoming parents we've fought more in 10 months than we have in 8 years. Perhaps we should have waited till our early or mid thirties. We don't really even have any type of support network or friends/family who could help so everything has been on us. I get jealous when I hear some of older co-workers (who are grandparents) saying how their ALWAYS watching their grandchildren so the parents can have some relaxation time or work two jobs without paying for expensive daycare or just get to be themselves and do things they like to do. No grandparents nearby for us unfortunately.





I'll wrap this up here... I've been wanting to write this for months, but kept hoping things would turn around. That our son would start sleeping through the night so my wife can FINALLY try to catch up on her rest. That he would be a little more manageable during the day. That we would be able to maybe reclaim a small part of our former comfortable and carefree lives. No luck yet though. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll be able to hear some words of advice or wisdom to get through this harrowing experience, especially for my wife's sake who I love so deeply and it pains me to see her struggle and hurt so badly.





Thanks all. I'll try to keep this short, but this is going to be a loaded post....My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby. We love him so much. However, I think we both grossly underestimated the trials of parenthood and my wife especially is struggling immensely. We read so many books, attended so many classes together, definitely though we were ready to be parents, but perhaps we should have waited a bit more... (we're in our mid-late twenties) The actual act of parenting turned out to be much harder and difficult than anyone could have told us. Our lives have been turned upside down.Not to go into too much detail, our current situation is that my wife is stay at home (not working), and I'm working a fairly stressful job that keeps me occupied about 50-60 hours a week (including commuting time) and drains me mentally by the end of the day. Even with my wife staying at home, our baby really is a challenge. The biggest issue is that he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming. In short, my wife has not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time for almost a year now, and even going back to when she was pregnant, she had to get up often to pee. She looks absolutely terrible and she's constantly dazed and out of it.We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums. Sometimes you have to leave him there and let him cry it out while you do something important, but it's still hard to hear him cry. To say the least, this is a kid that keeps you on your feet. I help out on the weekends and my god, I don't know how she does it 7 days a week. For me, after one day I'm exhausted. He doesn't give you an opportunity to do anything really.Unfortunately. It's really taking a toll on my wife. She has a history of depression and anxiety and her mental health has reached an all time low. Talk about suicide is often something she brings up.I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better.In short, maybe we weren't ready to be parents. We've been together 8 years and our marriage has been excellent, but since becoming parents we've fought more in 10 months than we have in 8 years. Perhaps we should have waited till our early or mid thirties. We don't really even have any type of support network or friends/family who could help so everything has been on us. I get jealous when I hear some of older co-workers (who are grandparents) saying how their ALWAYS watching their grandchildren so the parents can have some relaxation time or work two jobs without paying for expensive daycare or just get to be themselves and do things they like to do. No grandparents nearby for us unfortunately.I'll wrap this up here... I've been wanting to write this for months, but kept hoping things would turn around. That our son would start sleeping through the night so my wife can FINALLY try to catch up on her rest. That he would be a little more manageable during the day. That we would be able to maybe reclaim a small part of our former comfortable and carefree lives. No luck yet though. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll be able to hear some words of advice or wisdom to get through this harrowing experience, especially for my wife's sake who I love so deeply and it pains me to see her struggle and hurt so badly.Thanks all. Last edited by the_grimace; 05-08-2017 at 10:50 AM ..

05-08-2017, 10:46 AM AfternoonCoffee 2,813 posts, read 1,682,761 times Reputation: 6125



Parenting is hard. Some babies are harder than others, some situations are harder. Don't second guess yourself though, waiting wouldn't have changed much, if anything.



It's hard to get a handle on anything else is life when you're sleep deprived. Try not to pick fights with her, or give in to her provocations. Your wife should seriously consider medication. Especially since she's talking about suicide...She might not be able to fully accept this without some encouragement.



You also need to spend some time together and away from the baby. A night out? A weekend away? Can you hire someone? Y'all need some help. Sounds like you have to be the one to make it happen.



I am so sorry y'all are having such a tough time. I am so so sorryParenting is hard. Some babies are harder than others, some situations are harder. Don't second guess yourself though, waiting wouldn't have changed much, if anything.It's hard to get a handle on anything else is life when you're sleep deprived. Try not to pick fights with her, or give in to her provocations. Your wife should seriously consider medication. Especially since she's talking about suicide...She might not be able to fully accept this without some encouragement.You also need to spend some time together and away from the baby. A night out? A weekend away? Can you hire someone? Y'all need some help. Sounds like you have to be the one to make it happen.I am so sorry y'all are having such a tough time. 05-08-2017, 10:47 AM chb119 1,585 posts, read 1,560,109 times Reputation: 4944 Both of you need to be in therapy, especially her with her suicide talk, a couple of months is a short time but if you are not seeing any results, it might be time for a new therapist.



Your son is placing a strain on your marriage, it is most likely a phase, but a sit down with a marriage counselor might be able to steer you guys in the right direction, so this bump does not turn into dissolution of your relationship.



I am not sure about this next part, but....if your wife has diagnosed anxiety and depression is their something you can do with FMLA to be able to help out and be home? Something to check into.



Biggest thing to remember...he isn't going to be a baby forever, this phase will pass. 05-08-2017, 10:48 AM Marlow 15,247 posts, read 17,788,018 times Reputation: 25506 You guys need more help than you're going to get on this message board. Your wife needs to tell her therapist right away that she's having suicidal thoughts and you're going to have to figure out a way for her to get more than 4 hours of sleep at a stretch. She may need to go on medication at this point to get through this difficult time and you might have to hire someone, even though she's staying home, so she can get a break. Even if it's just a 12-year-old who comes in and plays with your son from 4 to 6 p.m. while your wife is home, your wife has got to have some time off from being on call 24-7. And try to find someone who can babysit on weekend afternoons so you two can get out of the house and see a movie, eat lunch, or go for a walk.



When he naps during the day, is it because he starts dozing off, or because your wife needs a break (understandably) and puts him down? I'm asking because that doesn't sound conducive to him sleeping all night. At 10 months, he probably doesn't need more than a short morning nap and a longer afternoon nap at most. Talk to the pediatrician about what's going on and see if you can get some insight. I'm wondering if he's having allergy or digestive issues that are keeping him up at night.



I'm really sorry because that sounds rough. I'm sure you were ready to be parents, but some babies are very challenging. Right now work on taking care of your wife and getting her some relief and hopefully the rest will fall into place. Best of luck to you. 05-08-2017, 10:55 AM citylove101 Location: New York NY 4,624 posts, read 6,886,124 times Reputation: 9911 Pay to get an all-day babysitter once or twice a week, someone who can come into your house for a eight hours while she gets some sleep. It may be costly, but it sounds like it would be money well spent. I assume you've had the baby checked out for any health issues, 'cause I've seen active babies, but I've never heard of a kid with such an unsettled sleep pattern after ten months. And yes, she should certainly consider medication if her post-partum depression continues. Don't be afraid of that, although there may be some issues if she is breast-feeding.





The first baby thing is a huge adjustment, no matter how much you've prepared for it, because you just don't know whether you'll have an 'easy' baby or a 'hard' one like you've got. But barring any serious health issues with the baby--or the mother--it will get better. Hang in there. 05-08-2017, 11:10 AM the_grimace 1,115 posts, read 2,149,277 times Reputation: 2119 Quote: Marlow Originally Posted by You guys need more help than you're going to get on this message board. Your wife needs to tell her therapist right away that she's having suicidal thoughts and you're going to have to figure out a way for her to get more than 4 hours of sleep at a stretch. She may need to go on medication at this point to get through this difficult time and you might have to hire someone, even though she's staying home, so she can get a break. Even if it's just a 12-year-old who comes in and plays with your son from 4 to 6 p.m. while your wife is home, your wife has got to have some time off from being on call 24-7. And try to find someone who can babysit on weekend afternoons so you two can get out of the house and see a movie, eat lunch, or go for a walk.



When he naps during the day, is it because he starts dozing off, or because your wife needs a break (understandably) and puts him down? I'm asking because that doesn't sound conducive to him sleeping all night. At 10 months, he probably doesn't need more than a short morning nap and a longer afternoon nap at most. Talk to the pediatrician about what's going on and see if you can get some insight. I'm wondering if he's having allergy or digestive issues that are keeping him up at night.



I'm really sorry because that sounds rough. I'm sure you were ready to be parents, but some babies are very challenging. Right now work on taking care of your wife and getting her some relief and hopefully the rest will fall into place. Best of luck to you.

She's brought up suicide to her therapist a few times, but she said the therapist's response seemed lackadaisical and my wife then felt uncomfortable bringing it up again. I don't think my wife would do anything, but there is no doubt she is feeling worse than ever especially since she is strongly considering medication after years of managing her depression/anxiety in other ways fairly well.





We've only ever put him down for naps on schedule (with some rare exceptions like when he was sick or just overly tired), His day time nap schedule has always been very much on routine, the problem being he just doesn't nap long. The first few months, it was four 30 minute naps. Around 5-6 months he started doing three naps but still only 30-40 minutes each. Now at 10 months, it's 2 naps a day. He always takes a short 30 minute morning nap about 2 hours after waking up, and usually an hour nap in the afternoon after lunch. Then up to bedtime usually which is between 6:30 and 7PM. Overall, he sleeps about 1.5 to 2 hours during the day and about 7-8 hours at night, which consistently has been way less than what it appears babies SHOULD be sleeping.









Quote: citylove101 Originally Posted by Pay to get an all-day babysitter once or twice a week, someone who can come into your house for a eight hours while she gets some sleep. It may be costly, but it sounds like it would be money well spent. I assume you've had the baby checked out for any health issues, 'cause I've seen active babies, but I've never heard of a kid with such an unsettled sleep pattern after ten months. And yes, she should certainly consider medication if her post-partum depression continues. Don't be afraid of that, although there may be some issues if she is breast-feeding.





The first baby thing is a huge adjustment, no matter how much you've prepared for it, because you just don't know whether you'll have an 'easy' baby or a 'hard' one like you've got. But barring any serious health issues with the baby--or the mother--it will get better. Hang in there.

Pediatrician said nothing wrong. Looks as healthy as can be. Said some babies just sleep less. Lucky us. :/





We are at the stage or considering babysitting or day care even. Unfortunately, being one income, cash is tight, and daycare is expensive. We could probably stretch it, but it leaves no room then for saving even a penny in the bank. Might just be something we have to deal with for the time being, even though both of us are fairly big savers and stress often about securing financial stability.





One of my wife's big concerns with medication now is breastfeeding. I think she would have started medication already but she has been really adamant about wanting to breastfeed till at least 1 year old and she is extremely against breastfeeding while on that type of medication. I told her to talk to the doctor at least though to see if there are any safer alternatives.





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Thank you for the support everyone. It warms my heart. I appreciate it during this difficult time. She's brought up suicide to her therapist a few times, but she said the therapist's response seemed lackadaisical and my wife then felt uncomfortable bringing it up again. I don't think my wife would do anything, but there is no doubt she is feeling worse than ever especially since she is strongly considering medication after years of managing her depression/anxiety in other ways fairly well.We've only ever put him down for naps on schedule (with some rare exceptions like when he was sick or just overly tired), His day time nap schedule has always been very much on routine, the problem being he just doesn't nap long. The first few months, it was four 30 minute naps. Around 5-6 months he started doing three naps but still only 30-40 minutes each. Now at 10 months, it's 2 naps a day. He always takes a short 30 minute morning nap about 2 hours after waking up, and usually an hour nap in the afternoon after lunch. Then up to bedtime usually which is between 6:30 and 7PM. Overall, he sleeps about 1.5 to 2 hours during the day and about 7-8 hours at night, which consistently has been way less than what it appears babies SHOULD be sleeping.Pediatrician said nothing wrong. Looks as healthy as can be. Said some babies just sleep less. Lucky us. :/We are at the stage or considering babysitting or day care even. Unfortunately, being one income, cash is tight, and daycare is expensive. We could probably stretch it, but it leaves no room then for saving even a penny in the bank. Might just be something we have to deal with for the time being, even though both of us are fairly big savers and stress often about securing financial stability.One of my wife's big concerns with medication now is breastfeeding. I think she would have started medication already but she has been really adamant about wanting to breastfeed till at least 1 year old and she is extremely against breastfeeding while on that type of medication. I told her to talk to the doctor at least though to see if there are any safer alternatives.---------Thank you for the support everyone. It warms my heart. I appreciate it during this difficult time. 05-08-2017, 11:15 AM ClaraC 16,632 posts, read 6,700,254 times Reputation: 35767 I agree with the other posters, but I'm focused on the screaming at night. That's not at all to be expected in a 10 month old child. Waking up frequently is pretty common, but screaming unconsolably is not, in that age child.



Have you researched night terrors? It sounds like that's what he has.



Does he appear to see you when you are carrying him around? Does he kind of have a moment where he "wakes up", seems a bit confused, and then goes back to sleep?



With night terrors the child is inbetween sleep and awake.



Do you have sleepwalkers in your family? 05-08-2017, 11:16 AM reebo 1,499 posts, read 2,090,024 times Reputation: 7239 Please, please, please put your baby on formula. Ten months is a fine time to wean. Your wife's mental health is more important than a few more months of breastfeeding. 05-08-2017, 11:18 AM ClaraC 16,632 posts, read 6,700,254 times Reputation: 35767 Quote: the_grimace Originally Posted by She's brought up suicide to her therapist a few times, but she said the therapist's response seemed lackadaisical and my wife then felt uncomfortable bringing it up again. I don't think my wife would do anything, but there is no doubt she is feeling worse than ever especially since she is strongly considering medication after years of managing her depression/anxiety in other ways fairly well.





We've only ever put him down for naps on schedule (with some rare exceptions like when he was sick or just overly tired), His day time nap schedule has always been very much on routine, the problem being he just doesn't nap long. The first few months, it was four 30 minute naps. Around 5-6 months he started doing three naps but still only 30-40 minutes each. Now at 10 months, it's 2 naps a day. He always takes a short 30 minute morning nap about 2 hours after waking up, and usually an hour nap in the afternoon after lunch. Then up to bedtime usually which is between 6:30 and 7PM. Overall, he sleeps about 1.5 to 2 hours during the day and about 7-8 hours at night, which consistently has been way less than what it appears babies SHOULD be sleeping.















Pediatrician said nothing wrong. Looks as healthy as can be. Said some babies just sleep less. Lucky us. :/









---------





Thank you for the support everyone. It warms my heart. I appreciate it during this difficult time.



You need to video one of the night time episodes of this child flailing around and screaming. The pediatrician isn't picturing this - just picturing new parents who want to sleep through the night.



Best wishes.



Edited to add: 6:30 - 7 is way too early for him to be going to bed, and may be causing his sleep disturbances. About 9 would probably work best for him, in my experience. Some babies do need less sleep - some babies seem to only sleep and are seldom awake, but putting him down much later will probably cause better sleep all around. See this is what happens when pediatricians are used to hearing common complaints. I had an 18 month old who didn't eat. At all. Not one single mouthful. For about a week. Until I insisted that his older cousins tried to cajole him into swallowing a mouthful of pudding, or a piece of popsicle, and he refused did she listen more carefully.You need to video one of the night time episodes of this child flailing around and screaming. The pediatrician isn't picturing this - just picturing new parents who want to sleep through the night.Best wishes.Edited to add: 6:30 - 7 is way too early for him to be going to bed, and may be causing his sleep disturbances. About 9 would probably work best for him, in my experience. Some babies do need less sleep - some babies seem to only sleep and are seldom awake, but putting him down much later will probably cause better sleep all around. 05-08-2017, 11:23 AM ClaraC 16,632 posts, read 6,700,254 times Reputation: 35767 Also, is she wearing him out during the day? Some babies need a lot of activity to tire out.



Does she go to Gymboree with him, or belong to a children's museum mom and baby group, and then go to parks or "out" somewhere every day?



Does she have a circle of mom friends that she can do things with and get together for playgroup? Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.



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