It’s over. It’s all over.

Here are thirty things I’ve learned as one glorious / reckless (depending on how you look at it) decade draws to a close and a new one begins.

1. Meeting my fiancée, Louise is the best thing I’ve done. Although this is run close by the time I threw a pea at my brother across a room and it landed directly in his ear.

2. My hangovers now last a minimum of two days. The emotional impact — mild self-loathing and sporadic sinking feelings — lasts anywhere up to four.

3. Weddings are the best social event. Christenings / baby things are the worst. I’ve nothing against babies — they’re great — but these occasions always seem to be an irritatingly long drive away. And on Sundays. I usually end up stood alone, eating cold sandwiches.

4. I agree with the theory that the personality you have at twenty-five is what you’ll be stuck with for the rest of your life. People start taking you seriously, whether it’s deserved or not. A twenty-five-year-old can be mates with a forty-year-old. No problem.

5. I’ve decided it’s better to go grey gracefully (I’ve got far too many specks now so a dye-job would be obvious.)

6. I remain undecided on whether modern technology is making our lives better. When you see an entire table in a restaurant hunched over their phones, not talking to one another, the future looks bleak. On the flip side, of course the internet is brilliant. Case in point: being able to check the football scores on your phone at an awkward social event (see #3).

7. I should have learned to drive long before I did. Apart from writing off a car three weeks after passing my test, life is a lot easier now. Also, now that people — one workmate in particular — rely on me for lifts, I fear that I too may have been an irritating burden over the years.

8. I still frequently find myself in situations where I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

9. It is looking increasingly unlikely that I will become a professional footballer. Never say never.

10. Achieving financial stability is tricky and I’m still not quite / absolutely miles off being there. There are only so many times I can quote Oscar Wilde:

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

Louise, for one, has heard this enough.

11. Not having a career path doesn’t bother me too much most of the time, although sometimes it terrifies me. If I hadn’t written a book, my directionless would terrify me more frequently. While the likelihood is I’ll never make any serious coin out of writing, it’s good to have a pipe dream.

12. Unless it’s vocational or an extremely good one (mine is neither), a university degree doesn’t help you land a decent job. I’m mindful that I might, at some point, have to do a Masters to kick on. I’m not happy about this.

13. I’m not resentful of other people’s success. Unless they aggressively flaunt it. I’ll then quietly bad mouth them behind their backs.

14. I’m slightly aggrieved that Tinder came along after I’d settled down. I imagine it would have suited me better than dancing badly near girls in nightclubs. Technically I suppose I could still give it a go, although Louise would likely frown upon it.

Louise and I.

15. The saying “it’s all relative” is useful. It can dig you out of tight spots and if you are in discussion about something you don’t understand, you appear like know what you are talking about.

16. At least three times a year, I attempt to become muscular. This has yet to last beyond a fortnight of occasional press-ups and planks. Perhaps I should give up this charade and accept that arm wrestling will never be my thing?

17. As much as I’d love to, I doubt I’ll ever learn another language. Like everyone, I hate being shit at things and don’t quite have the drive and determination to become not shit at them. This is a poor attitude but I don’t have the drive and determination to alter it.

18. My talent on the guitar stagnated many years ago and I’m now regressing.

19. Working in a shit, menial job is marginally better than being unemployed.

20. I should know more about current affairs and politics. Too often I revert to point 13.

21. Living in in Hong Kong was wonderful but three years away was enough. When I’m cycling to work in Leeds and it’s raining, this opinion can waver.

22. If everything went to shit, I’d probably go and teach English abroad again.

23. Travelling around the world with my pals and Louise hold some of my fondest memories but I wouldn’t have the energy to rough it in hostels anymore. Give me some cash and five star hotels and we’ll talk.

24. I’ve become bored of my own back story in small talk conversations, although this isn’t of great concern; many people are quite happy to talk, almost entirely, about themselves. A bit like I’m doing now.

25. I’ve spent far too much time watching football games I have little to no interest in.

26. Saying no to night’s out etc. has got easier but I still fear that I’m missing out. I’m aware that this is supposed to have stopped happening by now.

27. It is true that you care less what people think as you get older. I still care a bit though. Quite a lot actually. Unless they are dickheads.

28. My friends from school are still my best ones. *Cue some Dawson’s creek-esque acoustic music*

29. I’m pleased that I’ve got through my twenties with a solitary bad tattoo.

30. For the most part, I’ve had a good time.

Cheers!

I’m currently writing my second book which is untitled at present. I’ve published a couple of excerpts on Medium so please have a look if you’ve got a few minutes to spare.

My debut novel Bright Lights and White Nights is out now, published by Proverse. https://goo.gl/4VjMwt