Under the Dome S03E01, S03E02: "Move On," "But I'm Not"

When you think about it, we are all under a dome. For some of us, that dome is a pile of student loans. For others, it's a broken relationship with their father. For me, it's a show called Under the Dome. But the good news is we can all get out from under our own personal domes through an alternate reality and crusty sleeping bags filled with phlegm. At least, I think that's what the terrible Season 3 premiere of Under the Dome was trying to say.

The torturous double-feature of "Move On" and "But I'm Not" may as well have been in Swahili or Dome-anese because I haven't the foggiest about what actually happened in it. Are we even sure they showed the right episode? Was this a time-traveling episode from Season 13 that came from the future? There isn't a living human being who can properly explain what happened in these two hours, especially Stephen King, and anyone who claims they can is obviously a witch. If the creators of this show aren't in straitjackets by the time Episode 4 of this season airs then we need to call the police or just throw our hands in the air and jump off a cliff. You want to know how batshit insane this episode was? I don't even know if there's still a dome!

Even before the episode started, it was painfully obvious that no one knew, nor did they care, about what's going on in this show and what happened in the previous two seasons. Did you hear the "previously on" segment narrated by Barbie? The only solid details it gave us were that three weeks had passed and there was once a dome. Everything else was something along the lines of, "We fought and got scared and I kissed a redhead in the rain." And then at the end he took his maw off the bong and wondered aloud about the way out from the dome they supposedly found at the end of Season 2 (Dome superfans had to infer that). This is what he said, I shit you not: "Now we may have finally found a way out. We hope it takes us home, but what if it takes us to an ALTERNATE REALITY?"

Hey, you'll never guess what the big twist to start the season was! It takes balls to think your audience is so dumb and brain dead that you feel the need to explain the big twist in the episode that's about to happen before the episode even begins. Thanks a lot, Barbie.

Everyone walked toward the white light after Melanie, but unfortunately for us it wasn't THE "white light" and no one died. It was just a cool white room with a fog machine.

Barbie checked his hands and they were covered in slime. Was this an important detail or did the editing room forget to cut that part where Mike Vogel commented on how bad his allergies were?



What happened next made no sense, which fit right into the theme of this episode, which was not caring about what was happening on screen. Everyone ended up outside the dome and then it blew up after a pink fireworks show.

Take that, stupid dome! The humans win! Except only three minutes had passed in the episode and this was a two-hour premiere. My spidey-senses were a'tinglin'. Something wasn't right. Barbie ran through the broken dome to find Joooolia but all he found were the dead bodies of Joooolia, Junior, and Big Jim, so he cried. THIS WAS ALL PRE-CREDITS.



Next: What is going on?