You are not alone: My dealings with male postpartum depression Posted by Levi Haag on January 10, 2012 · 3 Comments

For those of you who follow my life you know very well that three weeks ago I became a father of two. My son was born and a whole new part of my heart and mind opened up. I wrote about it in a previous entry, but that is not what this post is about. A friend of mine had a baby very recently and before his son was born myself and a few other fathers were telling him the tricks of how to play video games and still watch your newborn. We laughed and he jokingly said

“This is the advice I was looking for! What else do I need to know?”

This is the advice I wanted to tell you, but was too ashamed, or at least too scared to tell you then.

Do not at any moment think that you are alone when you feel depressed.

Male postpartum is a tricky topic, one that I think most men are afraid or ashamed to talk about, and in not talking about it, we make the problem worse. For those of you who are not yet fathers, or for my female readers, let me explain the feeling.

When I found out I was having a daughter I was elated. I could not have possibly been more excited. Everyday I would wake up and ask my wife how she slept, was our little girl ok? After every appointment I would show off the pictures, and I would tell anyone who had a pair of ears that I was about to be a father. The day finally arrived when my daughter was born and all those feelings faded away into the greatest feeling I can imagine anyone could ever feel. But then a funny thing happens, that happiness starts to fade and a few months later you are faced with the sobering reality of what faces you. You are now tasked with caring for another human being, not just for a few days or hours, but for their entire life. The hours you used to spend on the computer, or game console, mean nothing, there is little to no instinct that takes over except for the “are they breathing” when they fall asleep. Days go by with little to no sleep, and after cleaning up another shitty diaper you wonder when it is all going to end. Then the worst feeling of all takes over.

Guilt.

You remember feeling so proud, everyone still tells you about how you should be so happy but all you can think about is that if you have to wipe shit off one more ass then you will kill the next person you see. All those pictures of ultrasounds serve as reminders to how happy you used to be and then it happens.

You hit rock bottom.

One night you are sitting there with a gassy little pile of human and you realize that your life has just lost everything that it was. Those high-scores in your favorite game mean nothing to this pile of skin and bones next to you. Your funny stories, or clever anecdotes do nothing to make this kid smile. The worst is when you are trying to calm the little diaper filler down for hours and all mom has to do is pop out a tit and the little one might as well give you the finger and say “fuck off”

I say all this knowing full well what a pile of shit it makes me look like, and believe me I have called myself far worse after a few fingers of scotch.

But I am here to tell you that you are not alone.

You may feel like the worst father in the world because you just cannot stand one more minute with this child, but I promise you that it is worth it. All those bad feelings go away and soon you will be just as happy as you could ever imagine.

This may not be something you face, and if not, then great, I could not be happier for you! But the conservative estimates put 1/4 of all fathers into the “at least slightly depressed” pile. With thousands of new fathers every day, that is a lot of men that will face depression and many of them will suffer from it for years, all because they think something is just wrong with them.

It goes away, it gets better, and father is and will always be the best title I can imagine for myself. My daughter is two now and she is the coolest kid I have ever met. Tonight we played a game where we sat on opposite sides of a glass door smushing our faces against it and laughing, and it was a better feeling than when I beat Halo 2 on legendary for the first time. This happiness is better than anything else, and I promise you it will be worth all the nights of staying up late, all the dirty diapers, and all the time you spent on the couch patting your newborns back.

For more info go to http://www.postpartummen.com/ and check it out.