SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in the modern day, but I must have activated some sort of tesseract that transported me to this diner from 60 years in the past,” said a visibly shaken Levick, marveling at the servers wearing paper hats, tins signs advertising ice-cold Coca Cola, and a jukebox playing Chuck Berry music as he swiftly pocketed his iPhone to avoid having to answer questions about the futuristic technology. “I’ve got to tread lightly, because my smallest action could have consequences in my own timeline that I can’t foresee. Okay, I’m not going to panic, I’m just going to sit here and order a malt from one of these soda jerks while I figure out what to do next.” At press time, Levick had bolted out of his booth and headed towards the door after realizing he still had time to prevent John F. Kennedy from being assassinated.

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