PRIME Minister David Cameron has announced business-friendly changes to UK employment laws including the reintroduction of slavery.

The move follows lobbying by business leaders who are frustrated with the red tape that stops them treating human beings like disposable machine parts.

Largely irrelevant Liberal Democrat opposition to the plans ended last night when Vince Cable was sold to a plantation owner after being stripped of all assets and handed a machete.

Cameron said: I’ve listened to the wealth creators of this country. And they tell me that a workforce that ends its days in pensioned retirement, rather than a shallow grave in one corner of a Tesco car park, can’t compete on the international stage.

Being business-friendly isnt just about ignoring massive tax avoidance and asset-stripping the nation. It also means selling the freedom of every man, woman and child in the country for an insultingly low price.

From Monday all UK residents and their dependents become the legal property of their employer. Orphans, the unemployed and pensioners will be auctioned off on eBay with a Buy It Now price of £2.99.

Cameron said: Slaves can buy themselves out of slavery by paying a monthly fee – like with a credit card – but as the employer sets punitive interest rates its unlikely theyll ever be liberated – again, like a credit card.

Legal rights to fresh water, two meals of gruel a day and a day off for compulsory flag-waving on the Diamond Jubilee wont be affected. And you still have a vote but dont worry, your owner will handle that for you.

Tom Booker, chairman of the Confederation of British Industry, said: You can hardly call this business-friendly, when the law still insists we feed our own slaves. Why cant they gnaw their own malformed limbs for sustenance?

Thats it, were all moving to Luxembourg.