This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand deaths, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it's the redemption tale of a man who went from sex predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any holes on you, you already know who I'm talking about: pick-up artist and author Don Diebel.

It's important to me that you know this is a real person, and not some wacky character I invented for an SNL audition. This man is an actual author who wrote real books. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real publication Texas Monthly:

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Coming into the 1980s, Don Diebel's only personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the town or at home coyly staring the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tone, Don made every interaction into penetration. You may look at his picture and think, "This guy? He looks like a Before picture in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad." Sick burn, but don't be fooled. He waged a four-decade crusade against unfilled orifices. Planned Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.