Eau Claire, WI – Bruce Gibbons contracted a stage 4 case of the Andromeda Strain (a.k.a. La Linea Verde de Muerte; the Green Line of Death). It is rumored that the green, crystalline agent of indeterminate origins can easily cause a severe case of “death” in patients due to hyper-coagulation in the circulatory system. While researchers are in the developmental phase of research with this rare disease, they have been able to deduce that it extremely contagious and are taking every precaution to ensure public safety.

It is believed by Crichton fans that Bruce contracted La Linea Verde de Muerte whilst playing with space debris that contained remnants of some biological toxin from an extinct humanoid space-race. However, this is highly speculative due to the nature of the sciences wherein people postulate myriads of unknown species of humanoids on our own planet with just as little evidence.

Upon diagnosis, Bruce’s mother, Diana, took to social media to gain God’s healing favor after having him anointed with Artistic’s “In His Name Anointing Oil” – by posting the following in reference to her son Bruce:

“1 like = 1 prayer”

Unfortunately, God looked upon the picture with displeasure, as it had only garnered approximately 156 prayers. While she did indeed have more reactions to the post, given Facebook’s new feature to “heart” something, God only works on “Likes” – something the online Evangelical community has known for quite some time.

Editorial Note: This post, like all of the other posts in the Satire section of our webpage, are fake and exist for no other purpose than to you make you laugh.