A LOCAL hard family has confirmed plans for a day of petty crime and pointless antagonism.

The Hayes family lives near Yeovil, where they believe themselves to be widely feared although most residents simply consider them to be dickheads.

48-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “Today I’m going to be driving round in a van nicking electric fence power packs. They aren’t worth much but they’re easy to sell, Terry who’s got the garden centre near Bath will take them.

“Actually don’t say I said that.”

Meanwhile Hayes’s wife Lou is pursuing a bitter feud with her neighbour that possibly started because he had sodium lights on his garden gnomes and they were keeping her awake at night.

Lou Haye said: “I went round and did a shit on his step, it’s just want anyone would do in that situation. But I am very reasonable and always ready to bury the hatchet with that twatty little bastard.”

Their daughters Lisa and Bethany, who are hard-but-popular girls at school, are planning to lock a supply teacher in the stationary cupboard until they cry.

Wayne Hayes added: “Do you want to buy a box of 50 windscreen wiper blades? They’re not nicked or anything.”