EVERYWHERE IN CANADA EXCEPT ALBERTA AND B.C. – After months of squabbles between Alberta and B.C., the other Canadian provinces are sick and tired of seeing them at each other’s throat and would really appreciate it if they’d just have sex already.

“Look, Alberta is my neighbour and my bestie,” Saskatchewan said, “but oh my god, enough. Every time I try to talk to Alberta about what’s going on with me – I have stuff going on too you know – Alberta is all ‘B.C. did this’ and ‘B.C. did that’ and ‘I don’t care how beautiful its coastline is,’ and it’s like, can you even hear yourself? Just fuck already!”

While most of the provinces initially took sides when the latest dispute between Alberta and B.C. first arose, it’s gone on so long and become so irritating that all of the other provinces are now united in the belief that Alberta and B.C. need to diffuse the mounting tension somehow, for the good of the country.

“It’s this whole ‘will they/won’t they’ thing that’s getting on everyone’s nerves,” New Brunswick said. “It’s was cute for all of five minutes and now we just need them to stop sucking up all the oxygen and bang it out or have a civil war or something, whatever it takes for them to move the fuck on.”

The territories have so far refused to get involved, knowing that any attempt on their part to interfere with interprovincial spats will result in them being labelled meddlers, or worse, buttinskys.