I believe it was Jim Morrison who once said, “People are strange, especially in Florida.”

2015 was another banner year in terms of people committing strange but true crimes across the planet. In fact, this year was so nuts that a group of murdering monkeys made our top ten list. So without further ado, here’s our collection of the 10 craziest crime stories of 2015:

10. Man Arrested For Drug Possession Wears Worst Possible Shirt For Someone Arrested For Drug Possession



The year got off to a hell of a start when a 50-year-old Florida man was arrested for meth and weed possession at a Hudson Kmart in early January. But that alone wasn’t newsworthy, as odds are at least a few hundred other Florida residents were arrested for doing something something similar on that same day. However, it’s safe to say that John Balmer was the only one wearing a “WHO NEEDS DRUGS? No, seriously, I have drugs” shirt that basically begged the local police to check what was in the baggie he was trying to ditch on another store patron.

9. Woman Tries To Eat Crack Cocaine While Being Arrested And Gives Us Mugshot Of The Year



You don’t hear of too many people trying to devour drugs while in the process of being arrested, but that’s exactly what 48-year-old Linda Blair from Douglas, GA did in August when she was apprehended by police officers who suspected her of stealing. They were able to stop her before she swallowed the crack, but by the looks of things, it still found a way to get into her system.

8. British Man Tries To Sexually Assault Woman, Gets Ass Kicked By Victim Instead



Speaking of nutjobs, check out this dickhead named Jonathan Holmes from the U.K. who attacked a young lady in early November, dragged her into some bushes, stuck his tongue in her mouth and said, “You’re going to enjoy this.” The woman did not enjoy it, but what she did enjoy was beating the everliving shit out of him by biting his tongue, punching him in the stomach and stabbing him in the neck with her keys. And now he looks like Frankenstein.

7. Man Arrested For Trying To Dig Up His Dead Dad So He Could Argue With His Corpse



It took him some 30 years after his dad died for Michael May to come up with a real zinger, but in order to use it and end their father-son argument, he first had to drive to the Pilot Baptist Church cemetery in Stanford, KY, in August and dig up his father’s corpse. The police arrived before May made it down to the coffin, and in the process probably saved him the embarrassment of losing that closing argument.

6. Naked Couple Arrested For Drunk Driving While Eating Pizza And Drinking Beer



It was quite the summer night for 24-year-old Alexandria Mauer in late June, as she was not only arrested for DUI after police found her totally nude behind the wheel of her car, but also for disorderly conduct while intoxicated after she jumped out of a car during a ride home. 33-year-old Kenneth Gillespie was arrested for drinking a beer in the seat next to her while he was also buck naked. Officers provided him with some pants, which he promptly pissed while he was sitting in the back of their squad car. ‘Merica.

5. Man Arrested After Trying To Have Sex With A Horse For The Third Time



Not that it would have made it any less wrong, but it wasn’t even American Pharaoh, and Cirilo Castillo tried to have sex with it in February. He was found in the horse’s barn with a broken leg, which surveillance video allegedly showed was the result of the attempted humping. The only reason there was a camera in the barn recording him in the first place was because Castillo had gotten freaky with the horse on two prior occasions, including one instance of some “Fifty Shades of Nay” type shit where he tied the horse up and performed sex acts on it.

4. Sorority Girl Runs Into Man’s Apartment, Strips Naked And Somehow Gets Arrested



It’s funny how most of the movies that I’ve seen start that way don’t end with the girl getting arrested. I mean, most guys only dream about a beautiful 20-year-old sorority girl with two bags of weed busting down their door, stripping naked and jumping on their beds. Unfortunately for Northern Arizona University student Makena Marie Haydon, when she did just that in April, she found the one guy in Flagstaff who doesn’t consider that the equivalent to winning the lottery.

3. Pimp Arrested For Setting Up Naked Hooker Boxing Match To Settle $80 Dispute



StubHub dropped the ball on this one, as three Harlem prostitutes decided a while back that the best way to settle a dispute over 80 bucks was to strip naked, throw on some boxing gloves and get in the ring. Their pimp agreed to it, and when the bell rang, hookers Yaya and Indie beat the snot out of Africa and won their $80 back. One of the pimp’s codefendants had his trial this summer, and his attorney asked to see video of the fight to prove that Africa was injured “not by his client but by the other two girls during the fight.” But that probably wasn’t the only reason why he wanted to watch it.

2. California Teachers Arrested For Taking Students On Sex Trips To The Beach



When I was in high school, my teachers took me to the Milwaukee Art Museum and a local performance of “Othello.” Two female teachers at South Hills High School in West Covina were arrested in January for taking students to a San Clemente beach, getting them liquored up and engaging in “sexual relations” with them. It looks like I went to the wrong school.

1. Troop Of Monkeys In India Murder Several People



When a troop of monkeys begins terrorizing local Indian villages to the point where there are body counts attached to their rap sheet, then you either have a highly grossing Hollywood movie or the craziest crime story of 2015 on your hands. Unfortunately for one priest in the city of Patna, we’re talking about the latter here. Temple priest Munna Mishra died in late November after a group of monkeys threw bricks at him while he was sweeping outside his home. One of those bricks hit Mishra in the face, and he died from the blow a short time later at a nearby hospital. Somebody call James Franco and tell him to get to India ASAP.



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