Indeed, the depression of Paranoia Agent is an active opponent of the day-to-day lives of those who deal with it. It gives depression the visual and thematic power to mirror the destruction it can cause in real life — and, occasionally, the creation it comes with as well. Like Sagi, I know that my skills and interests in writing, comedy, and music are partially born from my depression, and most certainly evolve through it. I create new worlds every day to make sense of my depression or to calm my worries, and it's no coincidence that I also enjoy writing fiction, or that for years and years I filled notebooks with detailed maps of imaginary nations. I would never call depression a benefit, least of all for anyone who isn't myself, but it is foolish to view depression as a purely destructive illness. If anything, depression is one of the strongest creators, and largest forces, in my life.

It's this sense of largeness that pulls me toward anime like Paranoia Agent, whose characters and conflicts are often larger than life. When I watch them, I'm allowed the rare opportunity to see something I've only ever experienced in my mind be displayed publicly through story and art. It spurs a blurred feeling of both relief and almost-overwhelming fear, but I'm grateful for it. It's a chance to learn more about this unwieldy thing which affects my life, and to understand that I'm not alone in it. It's helped me seek the help I needed for years, and allowed me to cut myself a break once in a while.

These practices, over time, have become invaluable in my fight against sadness and fear. Since first watching Paranoia Agent, I've discovered many other anime — as well as novels, comics, and essays — that portray or describe depression in a similar way. I have also seen a half-dozen different therapists and been off and on several types of medications. I'm better than I used to be — not necessarily because I'm happier, but because I've had the chance to recognize what my depression looks like and what it can do to my world. And each time I rewatch Paranoia Agent, or find a new anime that similarly depicts depression, it's a bit like a mini therapy session. Or rather, it's like getting back into the boxing ring, sparring against a longtime rival whose moves I can more easily anticipate.