So who DIDN’T see Monday night coming?

And who DIDN’T think we’d see the same old, same old from Brock Osweiler?

There’s no point wasting time by patting the backs of the few Texans that played well (A.J. Bouye kicked ass, while Lamar Miller and Nick Novak were competent). The Texans treated us to another primetime re-enactment of a Lord of Light candlelight vigil . . .

The night is pretty f*cking dark and full of terrors when it comes to the Houston Texans. And just like Stannis Baratheon wound up being a huge disappointment, Brock Osweiler is too. He is ruining professional football in Houston.

Sure, football is a team game. Houston’s run defense (allowing 35 carries for 190 yards and 2 TDs) was atrocious, and Brian Cushing seems to be aging faster than that guy who drank out of the wrong Holy Grail.

Cushing is running the way I drive with manual transmission — Paul Gallant (@GallantSays) October 25, 2016

But let’s be honest, their impact on the Texans loss paled in comparison to what Brock Osweiler did Monday night. So screw the customary “The Good” and “The Meh” sections that I include in these posts.

On Friday’s “Gallant at Night”, we found out that it isn’t possible to have a 10 minute conversation about the Texans without mentioning Osweiler once. This also apparently applies to the ESPN Stats & Info twitter account:

The Broncos have blitzed Osweiler on 4 of his 6 drop backs. Osweiler is 0-for-4 when facing the blitz tonight. — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) October 25, 2016

Brock Osweiler is 0-of-6 on passes traveling at least 15 yds downfield On the season, he is 16-56, ranking last among 32 qualified QBs — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) October 25, 2016

Brock Osweiler has 107 yards on 34 passes. Since 2001, there have been 5 games where a QB had fewer pass yds on at least this many attempts — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) October 25, 2016

Brock Osweiler was: – 0-for-7 on throws 15+ yards downfield

– 5-of-16, 21 yds when facing the blitz

– 3-of-14, 22 yds when under duress — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) October 25, 2016

Fewest Pass Yds on 40 Att. – Single Game in NFL History

2003 Jesse Palmer 110

Mon. Brock Osweiler 131

>>@EliasSports — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) October 25, 2016

Brock Osweiler: 1st QB in NFL history to have 3 games in a single season with 200 yards or fewer on 40 att. in each game via @EliasSports — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) October 25, 2016

Here are the things that he did well Monday night:

He didn’t get sacked

He didn’t throw an interception. Finally.

He audibled to successful runs on a few third downs

And he had a couple of nice scrambles

But outside of that, he was just an abomination. He was way off on all of his throws downfield, most of which were designed and intended for DeAndre Hopkins (NOT Will Fuller for some reason). Hell, he was missing guys that were open within 10 yards. The only throws that worked were typically check downs for 5 yards or less.

Osweiler has a very cool demeanor both off the field and between plays. And he supposedly has a short memory. Yet his pocket presence is Blaine Gabbert-esque, his footwork resembles me dancing whilst intoxicated (I injured my knee the last time I did that), and he can’t make easy throws.

By the way, that short memory was a little obnoxious after the game, right?

The media loves to rip on guys like Tom Brady, Steph Curry, and others for storming off the field or court after a loss. But I know I’d rather see that than the Vitamin C music video above . . .

. . . Or an alternate Mortal Kombat fatality:

And those Osweiler hugs cap off the #Texans fatality pic.twitter.com/LNe4icGd0x — Paul Gallant (@GallantSays) October 25, 2016

Yeah, this isn’t all on Brock. But it’s pretty damn close. Houston’s offensive line wasn’t perfect last night, but they kept Osweiler from getting sacked. They also paved the way for a pretty successful day on the ground, which is really incredible when you consider how bad Osweiler played.

None of the quotes coming from NRG Stadium matter. At all. “It’s on me.” “No it’s on me.” “We’ve got to execute.” “We’ve got to figure this out.” “I promise I’ll/We’ll work hard to correct this.” “Blah blah, blah blah, more cliche B.S.” Because none of these words are changing a damn thing. Barring an actual dramatic change – to the depth chart, the coaching staff, or front office – we’re trapped in a never ending Groundhog Day. This more current reference works too:

#Texans fans, we are Teddy Flood. We keep hoping to get some Dolores, but end up getting the crap shot out of us every night. #WestWorld pic.twitter.com/wHCXSCTQ5i — Paul Gallant (@GallantSays) October 25, 2016

Before we wrap things up, it’s important to recognize that there’s probably someone else to blame a bit here.

This is the biggest mystery. He was exactly what Siemian is now. https://t.co/sEuQy80oWn — Paul Gallant (@GallantSays) October 25, 2016

And that’s Bill O’Brien and the Texans coaching staff. Osweiler was far from great in Denver. But he wasn’t this bad. And now here he is in Houston: the worst quarterback in the league. The stats back it up. The eye test backs it up. So how can the Texans back THIS up?

I don’t really have much more to say on this team. They’re 4-3. And they’re in control of a bad division. So if you’re hoping for changes, sorry. They aren’t coming. Which leaves you three options:

To bail on the team and jump on a bandwagon

To completely check out for the rest of the Brock Osweiler era

Or to somehow stay patient and hope for the best.

You might need a straitjacket and a lot of drinks to keep yourself sane with that third option.

There’s a lot of season left. But I’m out of patience and positive spins. On to Detroit, I guess.

Paul Gallant hosts “Gallant at Night” – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or his facebook page.

Follow @GallantSays