M. J. Brutus

March 15, 44 B.C.

A few of you know what I’ve been up to lately. I’m looking at you, @Casca. See you later at Pompey’s theater. Trust me, you’re going to want to be there to see what happens live. Everyone—except maybe one person—will wish they were there today. Et tu, baby, et tu.

Helen of Troy

1200 B.C.

I must follow my heart’s desire and see where passion takes me! (Just hope M. won’t be too put out.)

Marie-Antoinette, Queen of France

June 3, 1789

Aidez-moi s’il vous plait!

I need your BEST cake recipes. Un gateau par excellence. A cake so delicious, you’ll forgive the person who made it . . . or the person who ordered the person-slash-peasant to make it.

Need ASAP, my lovelies! Pinterest links welcome.

Maybe a pie?

Richard Nixon

June 18, 1972

I guess now I know who my real friends are.

D. Vader

A long time ago

Big announcement tomorrow in Cloud City. I promise it will rock your world more than a force push. It’s going to be epic. #Who’sYourDaddy #GonnaBeTightLikeBeinFrozenInCarbonite

Yahweh

2348 B.C.

If you’ve been concerned about the weather and you want to know what you should be doing, look at my boy Noah. That’s all I’m gonna say right now.

More to come later. And by “more” I mean rain. More rain. #You’reGonnaNeedABiggerBoat

Lizzie Borden

August 4, 1892

Anyone know how to get bloodstains out of a petticoat? Asking for a friend.

Lee Harvey Oswald

November 21, 1963

By this time tomorrow everyone will know my name. People will say, NO WAY one guy did this! But after tomorrow they’ll know one guy did do it. And that one guy was me. Me alone. By myself.

Montecore the Tiger

October 3, 2003

Roy’s birthday tonight. What’s a gift that costs less than ten bucks and says “thanks for the inbreeding and abuse because white tigers don’t occur this often in nature, you Eurotrash motherfucker”? You know what? Never mind. I’ve got just the thing.

Iceberg, North Atlantic

April 14, 1912

Guys, I think I did something bad. Will you just keep a good thought for me today? I know people say I’m cold and that I keep too much under the surface but today I might get the blame for something and I really didn’t do anything. Total wrong-place, wrong-time situation. Anyway, when you hear about it, I would appreciate it if you tell people my intentions were something I’m incapable of having.

Jesus of Nazareth

33 A.D.

3 days bitchachos!!