So because the election ISN’T over yet, and I CAN’T stop and de-stress from all this fucking fuckery yet (you better believe I have my alcohol supply ready for Tuesday night, there’s going to be some QUALITY shitposting going on that night), I just want to take a minute and address something:

Third party voters.

And why you’re the literal god damned worst.





Because you are. You’re garbage, and it’s hard to understand why you’re allowed to ever make decisions in life at any level.

I have more respect for Trump voters than I do for third party voters, because at least they own their fucking racism. They’re out there like “Yeah, I’m racist, I hate women, I’m going to go out and try and prevent minorities from being able to vote, and fuck you. Try and stop me!” But at least they’re OPEN about it. At least you can look at a Trump voter and say “That motherfucker is at least honest about being a piece of shit.”

But third party voters? Oh no. You’re some equivocating motherfuckers. You’re some squirrely assholes.

Whether you’re sitting there drinking your pumpkin spice bullshit and posting on Facebook about how “both sides are just as bad” (they’re not, and if you think they are, you’re a fucking moron.) or how “well, my state’s going to _____ anyway, so I’m going to cast a vote out of morality!” (in which case, you’re a lazy and cowardly fuckweasel and want everyone to cover for your ass instead of doing the work yourself), you have absolutely no understanding of the political process, of the candidates, and of how elections work in general.





I don’t care if you don’t like Hillary Clinton. I don’t care if you don’t trust Hillary Clinton. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. If you care about people of color, if you care about the LGBTQ community, if you are about women, if you care about Muslims, if you care about BASIC GOD DAMNED HUMAN FUCKING DECENCY… if you care about ANY OF THOSE THINGS and still sit there and are like “Well, sure, I mean those things are important, but…” fuck you.

There’s literally nothing that can come after that “but” that makes it worth risking the lives and liberty of those human beings that I just mentioned.

In a normal election, sure, I’d still think you’re stupid as fuck for voting third party, but at least Mitt Romney or John McCain weren’t going to cause the god damned apocalypse. This. Is. Not. A. Normal. Election.

This is Donald Trump (and I got receipts, don’t you fucking think I don’t). A man who has been accused by 12 women of sexual assault. A man who will be on trial in civil court for raping a 13 year old girl. A man who fetishizes his own daughter. A man who has told ten year old girls that he’d be dating them in ten years. A man who has literal ties to Russia. A man who has a history of discriminating against African Americans in his businesses. A man who picked one of the most virulently anti-LGBTQ Vice Presidents in history, and whose party has adopted THE MOST ANTI-LGBTQ PLATFORM IN HISTORY. A man who constantly goes on twitter rants for imagined slights. A man who, against a court order, destroyed tens of thousands of emails (THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER, DONNY BOY FUCKED WITH EMAILS TOO). A man who said that he’d force the military to commit war crimes. A man who said women should be punished for having abortions. A man who’s pretty clearly in favor of just fucking nuking everyone out of shits and giggles. A man who… you know what, fuck it. If you’re STILL NOT CONVINCED THIS MOTHERFUCKER NEEDS TO BE STOPPED THEN THERE’S NOTHING ELSE I CAN SAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.





If YOU SEE ALL OF THAT SHIT and are still like “Well, but Hillary’s emails…” then fuck you, man. You have the right to vote third party. You have the right to write in Deadpool for President. You have the right to use your ballot as toilet paper and wipe your ass with it. That’s absolutely your right.

But don’t fucking talk about having the moral high ground. Don’t fucking talk about “both sides”. Don’t fucking talk about “rigged elections”. Don’t fucking talk about how bad Trump is. Don’t fucking talk. Because you let it happen.

I know, I know. “I voted for Stein, not Trump! Don’t blame me!” You know what else you did? You allowed Trump to happen. Because his base isn’t split. Because the people who were like “Well, I don’t know if I’ll vote for him…” are having their coming to Jesus moment and voting for him. Because every vote that isn’t for Clinton and for a repudiation of everything Trump stands for gets him one step closer to the Oval Office.







I don’t give a shit about your excuse. If you vote third party, you’re an entitled asshole and you’re putting your moral absolutism ahead of the actual human lives that will be at risk if Trump becomes president.

And there’s nothing you can say that will ever justify that decision.