Stolen Red Dirt and Crappy Beer: Oklahoma

UNINFORMED SMACK ::

I've been looking forward to this one. The preview where I get to drop the uninformed bit and just talk about two teams going at it like they have for years. Sooners, we missed you. I see everything is going alright in the old neighborhood. That's nice. Yeah, we heard that two new people moved in. No, we like the new neighborhood just fine. No, it's only dangerous if you act like you're a tourist.

ABSURD COTTON BOWL PREDICTION 20X3

Sumlin and Stoops meet on the 50 during warmups to have a quick chat. Stoops says, "I taught you everything you know, Kev. You know that, right? That, and I flat own the Aggies."

Sumlin laughs in a way that only Sumlin can. You can tell that he's tickled by this statement. Tickled almost to the point of hilarity, but he's cool about it. The volume of his laugh never exceeds a soft, low hum. Gently, he covers his mouth with his right hand. Then, his eyes harden and a certain fire can be seen behind his pupils. With his once polite right hand, he swiftly backhands Stoops across the face but then quickly catches the OU coach's head with the same magnificent mitt. The speed of this maneuver cloaked it in the guise of a familiar bro-hug.

Sumlin draws Stoops in close, completing the illusion and says, "Bob, that was the best shot you had at stopping me all day. Take the ball first, we don't even need the coin toss."

Like Sumlin's backhand, the Aggies' victory is swift, merciless and devastating to the Sooner team. Spencer Nealy and Damontre Moore will never have to worry about rent or a house payment again as they will live rent free in Landry Jones' head for eternity. Johnny Manziel lives up to the Heisman he received weeks earlier and torches the Sooners for a 300/150 effort.

After the beating, Kliff Kingsbury hears a knock at the door. Wondering who could come calling so late in Lubbock, he answers it to find a very large man dressed in all black and donning sunglasses. "You Kingsbury?" he says.

"Yes, sir. And you are?" replies KK, confused and a little sleepy.

"SUMLIN'S RETRIBUTION!" the unidentified man exclaims as he issues an ass-slap that could be heard all the way back in Dallas. Upon hearing it, Sumlin smiles and drifts off to a restful slumber.

Ags 56 Sooners 20