Talking of what dominant women don’t want, most male humiliation is full of ick. Not that I don’t want humiliation at all – I fucking love humiliation. It’s strawberry flavoured. But in femdom so much stuff that is packaged as humiliation is – while perfectly humiliating enough for the poor guy in question – just so not fucking sexy for the dom.

Why are the most ubiquitous male sub humiliation fantasies completely disengaged from what the person humiliating him might find erotic?

Why are the most ubiquitous male sub humiliation fantasies the opposite of sex?

Look, here’s the most obvious and well known example: Small Penis Humiliation (hello, Google hits)

I mean, fuck off, apart from the fact that the dom is meant to be laughing and even the smallest penis in the world isn’t slightly funny – laughing about the size of a person’s penis is no one’s fucking turn on. No one in the world. I will not change my mind on this without brain scan evidence.

You, Mr dirty, kinky sub, can get off in this. You can have a fetish about it. (I’m sure you weren’t waiting for my permission for that). You can pay, persuade and cajole women into facilitating this weird hobby of yours. But do not tell me that any dom woman is going to get hard and wet while she’s forcing out a laugh about the tinyness of your dirty little thing. So as it isn’t even amusing, in your fantasy – just tell me –why is she doing this? We’ve established that it isn’t really funny and it isn’t really hot – so what? What are her thoughts? Her motivations? Does she have an inner life at all? Is she thinking anything? Does she have emotions? This women in your fantasies – what’s with her?

Or did you just not really bothering thinking that thing through. Yeah, and why should you? We’re only talking about the emotions of a person you are having sex with.

And if there’s no reason on earth why a woman would ever do this of her own volition, where the fuck do you get off calling this female dominance?

This depresses me so much because I get off hard on humiliating men. Hard. If you’d asked me 12 months ago it would have been my number one turner oner. I have only flipped over to being all-about-pain really recently. And humiliation is still a really big red button for me. It is my second favourite after pain now. And you know how much I like pain. Well, I only like humiliation a tiny bit less

I’m obsessed with men crying for fuck’s sake – why else the fuck would that be?

And, in fact, a lot of my pain stuff has humiliation built in. I love his pain especially when it comes with ritualisation, forced complicity, unwinnable games, betraying erections, begging (for it to start, for it to stop, and my special favourite: just for it to stop for a few minutes). Oh fuck yes!

But there’s different kinds of humiliation. There’s the oh-so-sexy licking piss off the bathroom floor…

…and turn your head a little so I can see your tongue, darling… god, do it slower… close your eyes….are you still hard?…now stop a moment and kneel up and tell me that you love me…tell me you’ll do *anything*… anything I ask…that you’ll go lower than I would ever have believed…that’s really nice… you look amazing right now…now put your hand in it and lick a little off your fingers then rub it all over your face…

Now that’s the I will humiliate myself for you – for love thing that I adore and is so hot. Still a man, still beautiful, utterly degraded by me, by himself, by… Guh!

And then there’s that other thing I see far too much of – the unsexy, ‘oh look at him licking up the piss… oh ha ha he loves it… guzzle that piss, pig boy… ha ha…’ which is, for the dom, well, just not so sexy much.

Just, look, the motivation for the top is not how fucking hilarious this is. What is the fucking point of that! If I want to have a laugh I’ll watch a fucking Eddie Izzard DVD. Is that really the best motivation you could think of? I mean you did realise that women can get turned on too, right? – sometimes I think every submissive man in the world was transported here by time machine from 1878. How about working with that when it comes to humiliation instead of this shit about how we should be laughing at your ridiculous worthless self.

Listen up – here is the news in a fucking nutshell – the humiliation needs to sexualise you, to sexually objectify you. Not anti-sexify you, you stupid, stupid, made-of-ten-different-kinds-of-stupid bastards.

It’s worth banging on about this, because, for men who can do it – who get it – there’s a perfect kind of dignity in being degraded. A level of bravery that can offer the self as well as the skin. That can say, oh yeah, baby, I’m enough of a man crawl to you with my own belt in my mouth, to stand naked while you write slave across my chest, to kneel in front of you and tape my own mouth shut while you watch, to beg, to beg for water, beg for a touch, beg for pain, beg to push my tongue inside you, to be an animal, be an object, to be furniture, be ignored. To tell you that you own my tongue. To tell you that I love you after every stroke.

I love a man who can still look me in the eye. Always. No matter what he’s looking up from.

Who can get on his knees and give me something that is anything but worthless.

Who doesn’t just go down, he let’s me grind him down. He helps me do it. And he makes it all about me.

Even when he’s licking his come up off my face.