I’m Going on Tour Specifically to Tell Girls in Other Cities That I’m on Tour

The two weeks I spent filling in on guitar for Nastoids in 2007 were the best days of my life. They were filled with rad music, great partying, and gorgeous babes. Ever since that first spirit quest I’ve felt the road calling me back. That’s why I’m excited to announce I’m going on tour again this summer — to tell girls all over the country about the time I went on tour.

And when I say this is a tour specifically designed with talking to chicks in mind, trust me, it is. No bandmates blocking my cock, no heavy gear breaking my back, and no shitty 30-year-old van getting 8 miles per gallon. No, I’m going solo ladies, so watch out. Just me, the open road, my fuel efficient Toyota Prius and all the sweet pick up lines I learned from rewatching Entourage on HBO GO, like this straight fire:

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk to the merch table and come back?

Boom.

I’m so getting laid.

Related: Feel Old Yet? You’re Not Allowed to Date Any of the 15-Year-Old Girls at This Pop-Punk Show

Don’t get me wrong, my first touring experience wasn’t all fun and games. I mean, the reason I even got the gig in the first place was because I was the only guy in town with a loud enough rig to replace Googy after he broke his wrist in a freak mudding accident. And lot of that tour was just people thinking I was a roadie and asking where Googy was, not showering, and eating subway everyday … and sure, I didn’t exactly get any action last time around …

But this time it’s going to be different!

My vacation request was accepted at Guitar Center, all my dates are booked, and my Prius is freshly waxed, so now it’s nothing but the open road and an endless sea of punk rock babes for me! I’m gonna reconnect with all the hot spots. Checker’s in Kansas City? Definitely some honeys there. The Road Pit in OKC? Here’s looking at you, Trisha. The VFW Hall in Indy? Oh, man, I can already smell the popcorn and cigarettes.Witness me, brothers, it’s gonna be EPIC.

Also if I do by chance strike out, is it cool if I crash on your floor?

Photo by Photo by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.