There will be plenty of in-depth analysis on these two boys — Nolan Patrick and Nico Hischier — in the coming weeks. Management, media, and fans alike will pick through their histories, their stats, their pedigrees, their highlight reels, their strengths, their weaknesses, their health.

Shit, probably even their DNA. Someone for sure is getting their filthy little hands deep in some sequences.

There will be some valuable information out there, some invaluable opinions too. Inevitably, there will be some nonsense. This is your formal welcome to the Nonsense Headquarters, also known as the pain zone.

Here, we will look at seven factors of Draft Boy Goodness (some leading field experts are now using the acronym DBG). Hopefully, by the end of this, you will have a better idea of who the Flyers will be drafting. As we all know, the team will be following this scientific and pragmatic approach to evaluation. You have my one hundred percent guarantee that the Flyers will be picking the boy I say at the end of this piece. Unless the fuckin’ Devils pick him first.

HAIR

This one is a no-brainer for me. I mean, if we were judging based solely on head hair, I’d be inclined to call it a draw. No receding hairlines in their futures, that’s for sure. That shit is dense.

Still, when evaluating hair, there is more to consider. Facial hair. Namely, eyebrows. Nico pulls lengths ahead in the category when you’re talking about eyebrows. God, they’re phenomenal. Great shape, good fullness, lots of character. No issues at all. No wonder he’s gonna be a top two draft pick.

EDGE: HISCHIER

TWITTER LIKES

While I must keep in mind that Nolan Patrick is a more avid Twitter user and thus might give him a slight advantage in both categories, Patrick’s likes are ... pretty good, to be honest. I mean, he’s got a thousand, so the only reasonable thing for me to do was search through all of them. A couple of questionable things from teen years aside, he has pretty good taste in music, reads his own hype shit, and is, in general, a big sports nerd. He likes things from just about every sport! Love to watch sports too! Seems like a good kid to me.

Hischier’s are equally good, but there are far less. I know people always talk about quality over quantity, but Nolan’s got both here! Sue me! Giving it to Patrick on this one.

EDGE: PATRICK

TWEETS

Teenage hockey boys have very similar Twitters in general. It is usually some combination of the following: team twitter retweets, heart-warming hockey stories, occasional other sport mentions or retweets, birthday wishes to teammates, friends, and significant others, hockey vines, normal vines, and pictures of their teammates sleeping on buses. For the purpose of this exercise, we will disregard these tweets and instead look at organic content.

When searching Patrick’s likes, I noticed pretty quickly that Nolan has obviously combed through his tweets at some point and deleted like, a dickload. How sad. Now we have a lot less to work with! Tragic. Regardless, Patrick’s tweets are fine. Nothing to shake a stick at, nothing to write home about. Just fine.

Hischier’s tweets, however, are very good. For instance, this picture.

Thanks @NintendoAmerica for hooking me up with the DS and some games for some of these long bus rides. pic.twitter.com/6zjGsXhEN3 — Nico Hischier (@nicohischier) February 8, 2017

Just imagine lil Neeks walkin’ around in those mushroom socks. Adorable. Just precious. He doesn’t tweet a lot, but the things he does tweet are priceless. A very good boy, indeed.

EDGE: HISCHIER

ABILITY TO CARRY THE BURDEN OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS

Both Patrick and Hischier participated in Bell Let’s Talk day, which means that they are both willing and able to shoulder the immense weight of my depression. Such nice boys.

DRAW

NAME

Nico Hischier’s name comes first alphabetically so this is obviously his for the taking.

Besides pure alphabetical reasons, my mom told me that you should never trust a person with two first names and that’s like, inarguably what Nolan Patrick has got. I mean, I don’t know if this is a thing that lots of moms spread around or just my mom, but have you ever met a person with two first names who has been an upstanding member of society? No, you haven’t. Because they’re freaks of nature. It makes no dang sense.

Also, Nico Hischier wins this because his name is kind of a sentence? If the correct pronunciation is what I’ve been told it is, his name could potentially sound like “Nico, he’s sheer.” Drama. Poignance. Eleganza. This one’s in the bag.

EDGE: HISCHIER

BUDDIES

Much like the prior category was Nico’s for that taking…, buddies? Oh, buddies is all Nolan’s.

You see, Nolan Patrick plays junior hockey for the Wheat Kings. Ever heard of ‘em? Yes, of course you have, because Ivan Provorov also played for the Wheat Kings. While I might have counted this previously in the “twitter likes” category, I feel the need to count it again. He publicly loves and supports Ivan Provorov’s dreams and wishes. You remember Ivan Provorov, right? Our boy? Our special boy who has never done a bad thing even once? Yeah, him. They’re buddies. Which means that ... honestly? Nolan Patrick just wins this category hands down. There’s just no competition to be had.

I’m sorry, Nico, I’m sure you’re a great friend, but if the Flyers could reunite two buddies, well, that would just mean the absolute world to me. It would probably be nice for them too.

EDGE: PATRICK

HOCKEY

I don’t know very much about hockey, I’m afraid, so I don’t think I’m qualified to comment on this. Actually, my lawyers have specifically told me not to comment on this or anything else. By virtue of the nature of silence, this category must be a draw.

DRAW

AT A GLANCE

So there you have it. Nico Hischier will absolutely be a Flyer. You heard it here first. You can thank me later when everything is going swimmingly, the Flyers have won their eighth consecutive Cup, and you specifically are a millionaire.