I think I’m going to start wearing a helmet with a neck brace from now on, whenever I read the sports pages. I almost gave myself whiplash on the vicious double take I did reading the headline in the Calgary Herald last week: “Four strikes and you’re out under new CFL drug policy.”

After years of fumbling the ball on drug-use guidelines, the Canadian Football League has come up with an abuser-friendly policy – four strikes and you’re out. “Players caught using a banned substance will face a two-game suspension for their first failed test, nine games for a second, a year for a third and a lifetime ban in the event of a fourth.”

This is almost as ridiculous as California’s Three Strikes Law which has resulted in a man named Gary Ewing with two previous felonies serving 25 years to life in prison for stealing three golf clubs and Jesus Romero going to jail for life for possessing 0.13 grams of cocaine.

Piling one farce upon another, if Gary and Jesus were football players instead of petty criminals, they wouldn’t be wearing orange jumpsuits in a California exercise yard, they’d be wearing the gold and black colours of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats and headed for training camp next month.

The Canadian Football League must have patterned its drug policy after The Netherlands where the possession of drugs, importation of drugs and the exportation of drugs is illegal, but in fact everybody is free to use drugs without penalty and indeed, it has become a mainstay of their tourist trade.

Not only does the CFL not see the absurdity of their “three strikes and you’re okay” rule, they’re quite proud of it as well. Said league commissioner Jeffrey Orridge: “We accomplished our goals which were to safeguard the health and safety of our players, particularly to young people and people that aspire to join this league.”

On what planet does slapping players on their wrist for drug use protect the integrity of the game unless of course that game is “Grand Theft Auto, The Roid Rage Episode.”

And sending the right message to young people who want to be professional football players!?!

“Okay Jimmy, now I know you want to play for the Toronto Argonauts someday and we both agree you could use a little bulking up, so might I recommend Anavar? It’s a popular muscle building steroid with somewhat mild side effects.”

“But Dad, wouldn’t that be wrong?”

“Well only if you get caught and even then, the league will only suspend you for two games. Jimmy you missed three games last year with the flu for goodness’ sake! C’mon, buck up Jimmy.”

“But what if I get caught a second time?”

“Road trip.”

There are currently 33 countries from A, Afghanistan to Z, Zimbabwe who employ the death penalty for drug use and I’m certainly not recommending the CFL put their drug-abusing players in front of a firing squad, but … you have to admit, it would make for like the best halftime show ever!

Extend the punishment from Performance Enhancing Drugs to poor performances and what die-hard Blue Jay fan would not like to see Brent Cecil being led out to centre field blindfolded after yet another blown save, where an elite SWAT team awaits him.

“I thought he took those first two bullets rather well, Pat.”

“Yeah, it was that fourth strike that killed him, Buck. Looked like a slider.”

Here then are a few ideas the CFL’s considering in their ongoing quest to protect the integrity of the game of football.

Any domestic abuse complaint or charge by the spouse of a CFL player will be settled by a fair fight in the driveway with the mandatory eight-count in effect.

Any player convicted of drunken driving will, for the period of one season be allowed no more than four beers in the dressing room after games.

Any player charged with an offense of a sexual nature will be subjected to a “No Means No” video narrated by Kobe Bryant.

Any illegal gun charges will be settled by a duel with another player up on a similar charge but from a division other than his own.

Theft of any item over the value of $500 will be met with a stiff fine of $500.

Any incident involving deflated balls will be immediately handled by the team doctor.

And while the rules they are a changin’ you could easily eliminate acts of violence in all sports with the “I Really Hope He’s Okay” rule. When you injure an opposing player, you don’t play until he does. No matter if it’s one game, one month, one season, you watch the action from your rec room couch muttering “I really hope the guy makes it back to the game.” If he doesn’t, you’re retired.

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca.

Share this: Twitter

Facebook

LinkedIn

Reddit

Tumblr

Pinterest

Pocket

Telegram

WhatsApp

Skype

Print

