OMAHA, NE—OSHA Special Ops recon scouts abseiled through skylights as breach-teams crashed simultaneously through multiple windows with drawn M4 carbines Thursday to launch an Occupational Safety and Health Administration raid on a local office, mere hours after receiving intel on a possible expired fire extinguisher. “Stay down, you non-flame-retardant motherfuckers—hands on the backs of your heads,” said OSHA Bravo Team leader Col. Charles “Tex” Maxwell, who initiated the raid through a series of complex hand signals before launching a flash-bang grenade into the mid-sized advertising agency’s kitchenette. “Don’t move an inch, you four-alarm shitheads, or I’ll activate your corporate dental plans and help you with your permanent disability paperwork. Now—where’s the dud extinguisher? Where are you hiding it? Tell us now, or I’m going to start putting management’s fingers in that non-regulation kitchen utensil drawer’s pinch point, one by one. Nobody escapes OSHA.” The Nebraska state Occupational Safety and Health Administration office offered no comment on Col. Maxwell’s summary execution of a regional manager caught smoking near a propped-open emergency exit.

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