Is Kurt Rambis Tired of Riding Shotgun with Phil Jackson? by Chris Shellcroft

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Lake Show Life has sources everywhere. We can’t divulge how we attained the following phone conversation between Kurt Rambis and Phil Jackson but we’re more than happy to share it with our readers.

Phil Jackson (answers phone, chanting is heard in the background): Hello.

Kurt Rambis: Hey PJ, its Kurt.

PJ: Kurt? It’s 4:20 in the afternoon. You know what me and Jeanie are getting ready to do!

KR: Sorry PJ. I really need to talk to you though. What’s that in the background?

PJ: That is the soothing sound of the Mbuti Rain Forest Pygmies chanting in unison. It is a very powerful sound that soothes the soul. We flew them out for the week.

KR: Oh…look, Phil, I really need your advice on something.

PJ: What did I tell you last time, Kurt? Luke Walton is never going to be the poor man’s Larry Bird. Look, he’s not even the homeless man’s Larry Krystkowiak. It is time to give up this quixotic quest of yours.

KR: No, this about me and my career. Look Phil, I’m thinking of taking the Timberwolves job.

PJ: (talking to Jeanie in the background): Jeanie, I gotta take this call. I know you already have the sage burning! Give me five!

KR: Look…if this is a bad time….

PJ: No, no, not at all. So, you’re going to be Kevin McHale’s assistant?

KR: No, he’s gone. I’m thinking of taking the head coaching job in Minnesota.

PJ: Well, you’d have some solid talent to build around. That Kevin Garnett is going to win a title one of these days.

KR: PJ, KG’s in Boston. They beat us in the Finals last year.

PJ: Oh…well, that year isn’t on the side of my “X” hat so it doesn’t really stand out to me…Wait, Al Jefferson is in Minnesota right?

KR: Yup.

PJ: Jefferson is like a new age McHale. His footwork is not as good. He doesn’t have the low post arsenal that Kevin did. But he’s a better rebounder and I’m sure he’ll sell more shoes than Kevin did. How those two didn’t make it work is a mystery. Well, they drafted well. I mean taking Brandon Roy in 2006 was a great move then drafting O.J. Mayo in ’08 was nice too. Hell of a backcourt!

KR: PJ…they traded both those guys on draft night…

PJ: Oh…so who is on that roster now?

KR: Jefferson, Kevin Love…they just drafted eight point guards in this year’s draft so one of them should pan out.

PJ: That’s right! Didn’t they get some Spanish kid? I heard he’s the new Pistol Pete.

KR: Well, they kinda sorta have him, well he’s still in Europe but, well…it’s complicated.

PJ: I see…

KR: They also just signed Shelden Williams.

PJ: You mean Parker. Shelden Parker. He’s married now.

KR: Any how…So, I think this is the job for me. Sacramento wasn’t right because I didn’t want to have to get killed by you four times a year. Philly was nice but wherever Elton Brand goes disappointment seems to follow. I just think this is my time.

PJ: Well, there are lessons to be learned in life. As Charley Rosen once said about me, “For Phil, the destination is the journey.” Therefore each man must embark on a vision quest with Forest Whitaker as his guide…

KR: Wait, are you talking about the movie Vision Quest?

PJ: Not really sure at this point. All I remember from last night was being up way too late and for some reason my satellite could only get TBS. Did you realize that channel is like a refuge for bad movies? One day M. Night Shyamalan is going to want to kiss the ground that Ted Turner walks on. Trust me on that…What were we talking about?

KR: Me taking the Minnesota job.

PJ: Right…as I was saying. Each soul must find their center in order to properly travel through the constant cycle of life. Birth and rebirth are the causality of the precious dogma which we hold sacred in the eighth chakra. Uplifting the flux capacitor will send you through the 1.21 jiggawatts…

KR: Jigga what?

PJ: Huh?

KR: (giggling): Nothing…

PJ: As I was saying…

KR: Cut the crap PJ. You’ve got a bowl to smoke and I’ve got a flight to catch. Do you think I should take the job?

PJ: Oh come on Kurt! If you leave then who is going to handle the defense next year? How about if I give you the defense, the right to call timeouts and you can lead the huddle during timeouts?

KR: What? Have the head coach stand outside of the huddle?

PJ: Mike Brown got coach of the year using that technique. Don’t knock it. What a genius that Brown. Just standing there like a towel boy waiting for the right moment to hand LeBron his Gatorade while his assistants work feverishly to diagram the right play with the game on the line. Great stuff!

KR: Having LeBron doesn’t hurt.

PJ: Who? LeBron? Oh right, the French Caribbean kid who tried to check Kobe in the Finals this year.

KR: No, that was Mickael Pietrus…Look, I’m taking the job!

PJ: No, Kurt. Don’t make me coach again. Please I’m begging you. Stay one more year and then you and Brian Shaw can get in the octagon to decide who gets my job.

KR: This is my time Phil. I have to do this.

PJ: (long moment of silence): Ok. I understand. Best of luck. Just know that if Tony Campbell goes down injured that your season is over.

KR: Tony Campbell? PJ, he hasn’t played in Minnesota in almost 20 years…

PJ: (chanting is heard in the background): Well, be seeing you around I guess. Gotta run Kurt, Jeanie and the Pygmies are saying a sacred prayer for Stephon Marbury. Hey, you guys don’t have any point guards. Maybe you can reunite him with Garnett. That is your vision quest, Kurt. To give the good people of Minneapolis a title with KG and Steph. Reunite them for the job they left unfinished.

KR: Thanks Phil, I think that’s David Kahn on the other line, I gotta take this call.

PJ: Ok, Kurt. Tell Troy Hudson I said hello.

KR: Will do, Phil. Will do.

Dial tone