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Debunking the great moon conspiracy, the $15 minimum wage doesn’t go far enough, ultra-progs attack knitting, Liu job lynch mobs a Dickhead, the very beautiful Veronica LaVery reads the news and won’t make a sex doll, people who are allergic to coasters, people who use subtitles who are not deaf, people who throw cats, people who need to go back to where they came from, people who choke on grapes, unrealistic car seat adjustments, Matt Fuckface asks a girl out on air, and handling disappointment; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

It’ll happen to you once, it’ll happen to you a thousand times, and if it doesn’t happen to you, you’re not aiming high enough. Matt Fuckface gets a fuckface full of disappointment this week when he asks a girl out on the air. Is it no? I don’t know. I’d like to think not, but it’s done at the risk of being disappointed again. Listen to the episode, judge for yourself. But first…

Do over! Do over.

It’s the motto of the failed and the desperate, reviled even among children as reserved for and used by the very weak and the pitiful, abused even then. Never done in good faith and never received without a wince or an eye roll. You lost. Do over!

That’s a minimum wage of $15. You lost. Do over!

Good for you. Now everyone who managed squeezed a drop of blood from their bones has to start over alongside you. What was the point of working for anything if they were just going to start it over? What was the point of learning anything if they were just going to start if over? What was the point of being smart if the stupid were just going to get bailed out again and again and again. Do over!

Fantastic. Now you’ve got more money to buy minimum wage shit that advertises on minimum wage shows that sparks minimum wage controversy among minimum wage hoes. It is the rising tide that lifts all boats, until it rises too high and floods everything with bullshit.

But at the same time, I say it doesn’t go high enough.

Why not make it $15,000 an hour? Boomers got at least that in property value and retirement/pension funds when their houses and banks and entitled lifestyle got bailed out. So fuck it. Why not? Do over!

Why not make it $15,000,000 an hour? American companies got at least that by dumping all their manufacturing onto China and not getting taxed on it. Meanwhile, the rest of us get taxed on liquor, something a human being cannot live without. Do over!

Why not make it a kajillion dollars an hour. That’s the new minimum wage. And everything is on the clock. You want to argue about it? Clock starts now, buddy. Better make it count because paying someone to listen is gonna cost you an arm and a leg! Slowing people down in traffic? Holy shit. Keep it up, fucko. An eleventy billion dollar invoice is in the mail. It’s the new wage gap, endless stories that go nowhere running up tabs only children can understand vs. a gold rush of dick pics and unrequited “what’s ups”. Everyone will get paid. Everyone will have more money than you can imagine.

You’re thinking about it. Make sure you bill yourself minimum wage for that time.

And for no reason, here’s Veronica LaVery trying bras on.



“Big Actually” by Salty Bert



“Straight Pride” by the Hard Men Working Hard.



“Good Riddance” by Ethan Cantrell



Dick Pics



You can see what I’m talking about thumbnail by CartYoun.



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