Corporations Celebrate Stonewall with Violent Upheaval of Society

Jun 20, 2019

Once upon a time, corporations wouldn’t touch gay themes with a 50-foot dildo. Now they can’t get enough of the leather daddy’s whip.

BMW, Adidas, McDonalds, JP Morgan Chase, Virgin America, T-Mobile… every company actually… all are actively embracing pride.

But this isn’t enough for the shrewd advertising agency.

June 28th marks the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots. Stonewall began a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations by members of the LGBTQ community. By fighting back against oppressive police brutality, pride was born in the zeitgeist of radical left militant movements of the late 60s and early 70s, which included the Black Panthers, Weather Underground, and Venceremos. This continued through the 80s and 90s with groups such as ACT UP, as gays pursued radical means just to survive and fight against Ronald Reagan's apathy toward the harrowing AIDS epidemic. This ended effectively with the mainstreamification of gays in the media starting in the late 90s.

That’s why today, with a nod toward "true heritage" and being “more prideful” than the competition, BP has announced it will begin handling out Molotov Cocktails at the upcoming Stonewall riots anniversary. State Farm Insurance will offer camouflage and gas masks. And Pepsi will begin arming gays with AR-15s and training them in paramilitary operations.

Corporate America and the new radical gay alliance will mobilize to overthrow the “fascist capitalist industrial military complex” and install a “socialist system based upon anarchist principals,” one that eventually will destroy the corporate sponsors themselves.

From there, life will return to a neopagan system of pre-industrial farming and gathering, combined with high tech wizardry and radical inclusion. A gender fluid militant will patrol the streets to make sure all children are protected from the vile banality of corporate aesthetic. And life will return to the rhythms and cycles of clitorally-positive mother nature... thanks to our friends at JC Penny and Monsanto.

Prepare thyself. #CorporatePride is coming.