PORTLAND — You’re fewer than 10 words into this column and are already annoyed.

Calkins, please don’t write it.

You have an inexplicable compulsion to yell, “Dude, sit down!”

Seriously, it will only encourage him.

As a Trail Blazers devotee, you find him more irritating than Gilbert Gottfried’s vuvuzela impression. Just seeing his picture above makes you cringe with antagonism.

Perhaps that’s why fans, reporters and just about everyone within earshot had this to say to me upon overhearing some questions last week: Matt, please tell me you’re not doing a story on Free Throw Guy.

Oh, I’m doing a story on Free Throw Guy. And for darn good reason.

Rob Ems is a 27-year-old stock trader who has been a Blazers season-ticket holder since 2006. He graduated from Portland State with a political science degree and had aspirations of becoming a lobbyist.

Probably wise that he ended up taking a different career route, though. He has, after all, managed to turn most of the Rose Garden against him.