Disclaimer: I am J.K.R. and this is the alternative version of the Harry Potter series. This is to be treated with the same authenticity and reverence as the canon.

Harry saw the magnificent castle of Hogwarts approaching. No matter how many times he saw the castle, it never ceased to fill Harry with awe and inspiration.

'What a beautiful castle,' Harry thought with stupid smile on his face. 'It would be such a pity if I were to…

.

.

.

.

shit all over it."

Dumbledore, the manipulative coot, was speaking his usual nonsense to the first years.

'They don't deserve to hear this crap,' Harry thought indignantly. 'I must rectify this issue.'

He stood up in the middle of Dumble's speech and silently walked towards Dumbledore. The Great Hall turned silent, and everyone stared at Harry.

"Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore inquired politely, but Harry could see through his pleasant face to see the devil within him.

He walked straight up to Dumbledore, now standing mere inches from the old coot's wrinkly face, and whispered, "Dumbledore, I no longer give a shit about you."

He then pulled down his pants and before anyone realized what he was doing, he applied great pressure to his rectum. He then pushed with all of his strength, his will, and his magic, and a brown substance that resembled chocolate pudding rushed out of his butthole and landed on Dumbledore's clothes.

Harry then grabbed Dumbledore's beard and used it to clean himself of his mess.

Feeling extremely satisfied, Harry began walking back towards his seat when he heard a cry behind him.

He turned and, to his great surprise, found a baby at the place where he shitted on Dumbledore.

His face lit up. It was his child, his shit baby that formed during his night of passion with…

"Harry, darling!" Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic and the other father of the shitbaby, rushed towards the boy who lived. "Our baby was born already? I thought he wasn't due until next month!"

Harry beamed at his lover, his eyes tearing up with tears of joy.

Cornelius grabbed the shit baby and caressed its cheek after wiping the shit off with the Sorting Hat.

"Harry, this is the most beautiful child I've ever seen," Fudge choked out in the middle of his manly tears. "You have made me a father tonight. Thank you."

Everyone in the Great Hall, every student and staff, felt a warm feeling of fuzziness as they witnessed the beautiful scene of manly love and shit.

Then, they all shat.

All was well.