Oh, sweet Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ on a pogo stick.

From the pedophile protection racket that brought you the failtastic Fortnight for Freedom—two weeks during the summer of "special events that support a great national campaign of teaching and witness for religious liberty" intended to make Americans rise up to fight back against gays and vaginas—comes Fortnight for Freedom II: The Phantom Menace Strikes Back:



The U.S. Catholic bishops have launched a pastoral strategy addressing critical life, marriage and religious liberty concerns. The five-part strategy or call to prayer was approved by the bishops in November and is set to begin after Christmas. The overall focus is to invite Catholics to pray for rebuilding a culture favorable to life and marriage and for increased protections of religious liberty.

The call to prayer is prompted by the rapid social movements and policy changes currently underway, such as the mandate by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that coerces employers, including heads of religious agencies, to pay for sterilizations, abortion-inducing drugs and contraceptives, as well as increased efforts to redefine marriage.

The sequel to the bishops' first failed tour o' whining is necessary because those damned gays are still gaying and those also damned Vagina-Americans are still getting health care for said vaginas. The nerve!Not surprisingly, the five-step plan basically just involves lots and lots of praying. Praying in church, praying at home, praying with rosaries. If American Catholics pray hard enough, they can pray the gay away. And the vaginas!

Sure, the hardcore praying didn't work over the summer. First, the Supreme Court let them down by upholding Obamacare. Then, despite the threats and warnings that ought to have lost the Catholic Church its tax-exempt status, Catholics voted to reelect President Barack Obama. And, oh yeah, they still love birth control since almost all of them use it. And then there's that whole thing where Americans roundly rejected religious freedom by voting to legalize equal marriage in Washington, Maine and Maryland. Because they all hate Jesus and Thomas Jefferson or something.

But hey, maybe if the bishops just pray harder this time, their plan to turn America into a 14th century theocracy will work. Or not.