Dear Mr. Football Player,

I saw on Twitter you think it’s easy and takes no skills to kill people. Well, let me tell you this. It takes mad skills and madder smarts to be an infantryman. Everyone thinks we’re dumb and borderline illiterate but some of the smartest people I know are in the military and they have amazing people killing skills.

Think about it. Is there any more useful skill in this world than killing people when the shit hits the fan? In case you’re wondering, the answer is no.

But it’s not just about pulling a trigger. Any idiot can do that. Hell, being a NFL player, I’m sure you know how to do that better than me. Then again, when I tried it your way by holding my M9 sideways, I ended up missing my target and killed a local sheikh’s prized goat.

There is so much more to this than you could possibly imagine. I’d try to explain it to you but I’m sure the Asian kid you cheated off of in college isn’t reading this letter to you. So I’ll put it in football terms.

We are a team organization, like you, but instead of having a world-class training staff, ours is a disgruntled medic who gives out Motrin and tells us to quit being a pussy. Our coach is a 22-year-old Lieutenant who’s calling plays based off of a college degree and no experience. Our owner is an American public who left the game at halftime to go fucking shopping. And when was the last time you were tackled in the back by a guy who’s supposedly on your team?

Shit, in our game, there’s no timeout. We don’t get a break to pick a play. There’s no trophy for us at the end of a battle, except for our medals and combat badges and shit, but regardless, we don’t do this for the glory. There’s no platoon of supermodel gold diggers waiting for us when we come off the field. We marry fat chicks so we can make about an extra thousand a month.

I know it must be a difficult life for you, living under the constant pressure of performing once a week on game day using all your skills. We only have to spend a year or so using our non-existent skills in a country where people throw grenades at us instead of plastic cups filled with beer.

Also, is it true you’re a free agent? Hopefully, that high school football coaching job comes through for you. If not, I’ll see you in the unemployment line when I get out of the military in a couple of months. If I’m feeling charitable, I might give you the number to my recruiter.

Sincerely fuck off,

Private Joe Snuffy

John Mittle and Smelly Infidel contributed edits.