All right, parents: these books may be beautifully decorated and fabulously imaginative and inspire creativity in your children — but BEWARE THE CONSEQUENCES.

Gwinna — This book has incredibly beautiful illustrations, but has an unfortunate side effect of instilling in its readers an unshakable belief that they will, one day, sprout wings. I myself have spent a rather large portion of time “flapping” my shoulder blades, but have never achieved lift-off.

Matilda — If you haven’t read this, you have clearly been living under a rock. And if you haven’t been living under a rock, you KNOW that this book will make you/your kid wander around wistfully asking mom if they qualify as a genius, and staring intently at glasses of water for hours. The glass of water will never tip over, and your kid will forever have a slight, nagging inferiority complex.

Love You Forever — This one is just terribly, terribly sad and you must be warned that your children will cry whenever they see the cover forever afterwards. Including if they happen to look at it on Amazon during work.

Lord of the Flies — Ick, do you even have to ask? All I can think about is smashed heads and milky brains.

Where the Red Fern Grows — More dying children — and this time, as an added bonus, dying dogs! This book, predictably, gave me a lasting fear of all sharp objects — not just a fear of running with them, but a fear of standing in the same room as them. Or even thinking about them in too detailed a manner.

Little Women — Ever since Beth, dying, said “I was never like the rest of you . . . I never had plans for my life” (or something like that), my career indecision has weighed on me like a death sentence.

Doggies — Yesss! I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find this one. It starts out like this: “One Dog — Woof!”. The page reads, “Two Dogs — Arf Arf!” (or is it yip yip? I had it memorized, once upon a time). IT IS AWESOME. But your kid might bark a lot at inappropriate times. For the rest of her life. At the neighbors’ dogs, for instance. Or in the grocery store.

Charlotte’s Web — Okay, this is an obvious one, but it really got to me. Now I feel guilty about hating spiders AND eating bacon. Thanks. I needed MORE of that in my life.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler — I LOVE this book. But it will engender in your children a disturbing tendency to disappear in museums and steal coins from fountains.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk — Parents, if you leave your parenting books lying around, I PROMISE you that you will regret it. I memorized this book when I was about 7 years old, and whenever my parents and I were in an argument, I would lecture them on how they were handling it wrong. Sometimes I would direct them to the appropriate page in the book. There is probably no better way to drive a parent crazy, and I’ve gotta tell you — it felt goooooood.