Sheila Gregoire at Authentic Manhood coaches frustrated Christian husbands on how to seduce their wives in In Search of the Secret Switch. To her credit, she admits upfront that she has no idea how to actually do such a thing:

If I could share any secret with you, it would be this: we women don’t actually know what that switch is either. After almost two decades of marriage, I’ve decided women’s sex drives are such a mishmash of competing elements that only God knows what’s really going on.

But not knowing how seduction works doesn’t stop Gregoire from offering six pieces of advice to creep your wife out, one piece that reminds us that neither spouse should defraud the other, and an 8th piece of advice to get used to Gregoire’s advice not working. I’ve paraphrased and commented on her eight tips below. In some cases I have quoted bits of detail:

1) Compliment her. It isn’t that you should never tell your wife she is beautiful, but if you are telling her she is beautiful in an effort to get laid you are pandering to her for sex; this is creepy. Moreover, if she’s seldom in the mood she already thinks she outranks you in SMV. Assuring her that this is true will only make things worse. Besides, you’ll both have more fun if you playfully tease her instead.

2) Touch her like you are just friends. This is just formalizing your role as your wife’s beta orbiter. It is also creepy, because you are pretending you aren’t expecting anything when the whole reason you are touching her is to try to get her to have sex with you.

3) Choreplay.

If you want more sex, then go out of your way to make sure your wife isn’t exhausted. Pick up a mop. Put the kids in bed.

Better yet, make a cardboard sign that says “If I do the dishes can I touch your privates?”

4) Become her best girlfriend.

Want more action in the bedroom? Better make sure there’s action outside the bedroom too! Just take a walk with her every night and catch up, giving her a chance to share her heart. Ask about her day and what she’s worried about. This helps clear her head too so that she won’t be so distracted when making love.

More beta orbiter game. Talking with your wife is good, but doing so in order to get sex is needy and creepy. If her mind is focused elsewhere and you want sex, pick her up and carry her into the bedroom.

5) Conduct a sex survey on your wife.

If your wife isn’t having a good time in bed, she certainly may have sexual issues. But for the vast majority of women, when sex doesn’t feel pleasurable, it’s because her husband hasn’t taken the time to learn how to make her feel good, and she’s given up.

Nope. She wants you to Just get it. Pay attention to what she responds to. Don’t ask “Is it ok if I touch you like this?”

6) Stop using porn. This is good advice, and the Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Cor 7-2:5 that neither husbands nor wives should deny the other sex to avoid the temptation of sexual sin. Gregoire doesn’t like that bit of instruction however, and advises wives to do the opposite.

7) Take a shower. Not in itself bad advice, except the frame is “Now that I’m not stinky, can I touch your privates?” Moreover, if she were hot for you, whether you showered or not would not be an issue.

8) Get used to it. This is sadly Gregoire’s best advice, because men who are foolish enough to listen to her are all but guaranteed to creep out their wives. This is especially true because the whole point of the Authentic Manhood program is to ensure that husbands don’t mistakenly take the bible’s instruction on headship and submission seriously. Women are attracted to men who lead them, as Sheila’s husband Keith learned quite by accident:

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