Heaven—

The Halfway Post reached out to Jesus to wish him a happy resurrection day, and talk all things Easter.

The following conversation has been lightly edited for clarity:

THP: “Hey, Jesus, how’s it going on this special day?”

JESUS: “Pretty good, pretty good. For real, though, this day kind of creeps me out. A lot of people call it ‘Zombie Jesus Day,’ and they’re not really wrong. To be honest, when I died, everything was going so fast I don’t really remember being resurrected. Crucifixion is not pleasant, you know? I don’t really remember coming back to life. The Bible is a little skim about what was going on then, and I supposedly went to Heaven real quick afterwards. I’m not even sure I did come back to life. The Gospels all end with Me coming back, but they kind of skip over the moment of resurrection itself. The Gospel of Mark just says I talked to Mary Magdalene, two randos, and then the Disciples, but the other, later Gospels start throwing in other things like I went around for 40 days before ascending to Heaven.”

THP: “Interesting thoughts, Jesus.”

JESUS: “There is also some pretty fierce debate whether or not My tomb would have actually been empty like it’s often said. Some theologians disagree on whether or not My body would have stayed in the tomb, with My resurrection being spiritual rather than material, in which case My body doesn’t really matter much at all. Some theories suggest My body was stolen, and that the resurrection belief got started just because the Disciples couldn’t find it. Potential culprits could have even included some Jewish leaders who didn’t want My tomb to become a shrine, and they may have told My Disciples to go meet Me in Galilee so that My followers would leave Jerusalem and stop rabble-rousing. Also, grave robbing was a big, big problem back in the day. That’s a possibility. I hope there wasn’t any munging going on. There’s also some competing theories whether or not I actually died in the first place. The ‘swoon hypothesis,’ for instance, is a rationalist theory that I just went unconscious on the cross or fell into a coma and then was revived in the cave. I don’t know what to believe, but, after I died, My religion got way more mythological and Christological than I ever intended. Paul kind of got carried away with things.”

THP: “Wow, Jesus, you’re very nuanced about all this stuff.”

JESUS: “Yeah, I’m a pretty rational guy. I don’t really buy into all the magical stuff. Like, one thing that really creeps Me out is the whole eating my flesh thing. When did cannibalism get so in vogue for hundreds of millions of people? Let Me say once and for all that I don’t turn your wine into My blood. Does it taste like blood? No it tastes like wine. How about you all just toast to Me instead of trying to eat My flesh and drink Me? I’d rather you just do a toast.”

THP: “Well, here’s a toast to you, Jesus!”

JESUS: “Thanks! Oh, I gotta go. Donald Trump is applying his orange facial foundation, and I’m going to make him miss his hairline by half an inch!”

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