After childbirth, some of us have a rather embarrassing problem: Your vagina is too loose to make sex exciting.

And on Wifey Wednesdays here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, we dive right in and get practical to try to solve some of these very real challenges people have in marriage.

So today we’re going to get a bit graphic, and talk about an embarrassing, but very common, problem. You don’t really have a lot of sensation from sex anymore, and your husband doesn’t seem to enjoy it, because after childbirth you’ve gotten really loose.

Now, I know really graphic stuff around sex does bother some people, but I do want to be a place where people can come to get their honest questions answered, so sometimes we have to talk explicitly! And this is a real problem.

But just because it’s a real problem does not mean that it is insurmountable. On the contrary, with a bit of work, this can usually be overcome. And even better: the work itself will help you to enjoy sex more. So see it as a fun project, rather than something that you have to do because you’re a failure or something. You’re not.

Here’s what’s happened: the vagina is a muscle, and like any muscle, it can be stretched. But usually muscles bounce back, because we use them a lot and they’re quite elastic. They don’t just stretch out; they come back in, too. But the vagina isn’t necessarily like that, because we don’t ENGAGE those muscles very often. They’re there, but we don’t really use them. If you start engaging them, though, you can train your muscles to contract again, so that you’re not as loose and you both feel more sensation during sex.

Here’s how:

1. Do Kegel Exercises to Tighten Your Vagina

Kegel exercises help you to contract and relax, contract and relax, so that you can start feeling how those muscles work. Most women have never really done these exercises, because a lot of us are quite wary of our bodies, and especially “those parts”. But it isn’t hard to do these. Next time you go pee, just stop. Practice stopping the flow of urine, say five times each time you go pee. That’s engaging the same muscles that we’re talking about. And when you stop the flow of urine, you’re squeezing your vaginal muscles.

Why do this when you pee? Well, it gives you an obvious answer as to whether or not you’re really engaging the right muscles. It helps you to see whether you’re relaxed or tight. And as you get used to doing this while you pee, you’ll learn what it feels like to squeeze those muscles. Then you can start doing it at other times of day. It’s not like anyone can see you do it, or knows that you’re doing it. So try to start squeezing and relaxing, squeezing and relaxing, throughout the day. Do it everytime you’re standing there doing dishes, or everytime you’re driving in a car.

I know it feels awkward, but there’s truly nothing wrong with it. And you’re making your body in better shape!

It may take quite a few weeks of this before you’re naturally a little tighter again. It really depends how loose the muscles are. But the more frequently you do it, the more you’re giving yourself a workout, and the more you’re building up those muscles.

UPDATE: As a physiotherapist commented below, it’s not a good idea to do these exercises EVERYTIME you pee, because it could lead to bladder infections if you don’t fully empty your bladder. So try it initially when you pee just so you get used to using the muscles and identifying them, but then do the exercises at other times of day!

2. Squeeze and Relax During Sex so You Learn to Control How Loose You Are

Now that you’re used to the squeeze and relax feeling, try doing it during intercourse. Everytime that he thrusts, you squeeze and relax. This way you’re squeezing him, and he’ll feel tighter, and you’ll feel more sensation, too. Of course, you can also squeeze and just hold the squeeze, and he’ll likely enjoy that as well.

3. Tighten Your Vagina By Trying Other Positions–Some are Naturally More Snug

If you find that this still isn’t working for you, may I suggest trying something other than the typical missionary position, where he’s on top and you’re on the bottom? In that position, you’re the most open. So you’re going to be looser in that position than in any other one. I know that you may really enjoy that position, because you can look in each other’s eyes, but there’s no problem with mixing things up every now and then. And you may enjoy the sensation of feeling a little bit tighter.

Rear entry works well. So does him sitting, and then you climbing on top of him, facing 45 degrees away. So if he’s facing 6:00, you face 3:00. You’re sideways. This way you can still hug easily, but it often feels tighter. It can also work if you lie on your back, but put your legs up in the air, and then he kneels in front of you. (Again, sorry to be so graphic, but that’s the truth!)

4. Try Holding Something in Your Vagina

Now I’m going to say something that is a little controversial, and I would say a last resort, if you have tried the other things and they don’t seem to be working. If you can force your vagina to tighten for considerable lengths of time, you can learn how to keep it tight. But that requires holding something there. So you have two options: some kind of ball or plug, or a Diva cup (for when you’re having your period). The reason I hesitate to mention this is that, on the whole, I am very wary of most sex toys, and I am ESPECIALLY wary of shopping at the stores, even online, because I think it can lead to stuff that we really shouldn’t be using, and it supports a business which is changing our culture in a negative way.

UPDATE: Okay, I’ve found some perfect ones, designed by a physiotherapist, that you can get at Amazon! They’re meant to help you exercise (they’re not focused on arousal), so that’s a little more comfortable during the day. Seriously, if you find yourself too loose, you owe you and your husband the effort to try these!

Those are my thoughts. And once again: believe me, if you do these things, you will see a difference within a few weeks, and you should be pretty much back to normal in a few months. It takes some work, though. You can’t just do one or two exercises a day and expect to bounce back. So work at it! And I know that’s difficult, because many of us women would rather ignore that part of our body throughout the day. We really don’t like thinking about it. We try to turn off anything to do with sex. But this requires you to focus more, and learn more about how your body works and feels. And when you go through that process, even if it’s a little psychologically uncomfortable for you, you’ll end up really enjoying your intimate life with your husband more!

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