It's that time of the year again when Pakistani mango nationalists start beating the war drums, raising their claims of mango superiority to decibel levels that cross the noise pollution mark.

The campaign has begun. It's not even May yet. Lies, damned lies and statistics are being used to suggest Pakistani mangoes are better. Looking for foreign approval as always, Pakistanis are tom-tomming export figures that show Pakistan exports more mangoes than India, even though India produces a lot more of them.

Such data should be seen with scepticism. The statisticians who calculate India's GDP should look into the mango export data and update it to Achhe Din levels.

A few million tonnes of exploding mangoes here and there isn't going to end the aams race.

Yet the real issue isn't about export numbers. A few million tonnes of exploding mangoes here and there isn't going to end the aams race. It's a more fundamental idea of why the Pakistanis are so eager and desperate to export their mangoes, and India isn't.

It's obvious: Pakistani mangoes aren't delicious enough to be consumed by Pakistanis themselves, so they export them. This is why Pakistan exports more mangoes than India.

Any mango lover will tell you there is no such thing as enough mangoes. The more you eat, the more you want. Mangoes are best eaten from buckets of water, one after another, like chimpanzees eat them. It's criminal to keep count.

You can eat mangoes like there's no tomorrow only if they are good. If they taste and smell like mangoes do. What would Pakistanis know? Hence the exports.

In fact, Modi's New India should ban mango exports altogether. It's outrageous that mango export is even allowed. Indian mangoes should be for Indians only. How can we go about selling the family silver?

It makes sense to export wheat and rice because India produces so much of it that it rots in our godowns. China exports electronic goods because their factories make too many of them, all year round. But mangoes don't get made in factories. They are seasonal and their supply is limited.

As part of their conspiracy to defame Indian mangoes, Pakistan has even begun exporting some Pakistani mangoes to India. Which makes you wonder where the Shiv Sena is when you really need them.

Pakistan's population is less than a sixth of India's, but it produces less than a tenth the number of mangoes India does. Pakistan produced just 1.72 million tonnes mangoes in 2014, India produced 18.43 million tonnes. You can do the per capita math. Despite such a shortfall, Pakistan chooses to export its mangoes in large numbers. What does that tell you? Pakistanis don't want their own mangoes!

As part of their conspiracy to defame Indian mangoes, Pakistan has even begun exporting some Pakistani mangoes to India. Which makes you wonder where the Shiv Sena is when you really need them. How can India allow counterfeit Pakistani mangoes to destabilises the Indian faith in the king of fruits? If only we could demonetise mangoes to separate the fakes from the tax-paying ones.