Thailand through the looking glass

I trust everyone is recovering from the silly hats and hangovers season. Soon it will be back to the grim reality -- hangovers without the silly hats.

It is customary at this stage of the year for columnists to predict what's in store for the next 12 months. You don't have to be Nostradamus to forecast that in Thailand there is the possibility there might be a few tales of disappearing funds and assorted crookery, accompanied by crackdowns, contradictions and cock-ups followed by the usual denials, lies, half-truths, prevarications and selective memories. And that's the good news.

Eugene Ionesco was spot on when he said "you can only predict things after they have happened". But that has never deterred this column. However, to maintain the happiness theme so beloved by the authorities, we will only look on the bright side and leave the gloom and doom to the experts.

So here are PostScript's jolly predictions for 2019, culled from assorted unreliable sources, gossipmongers, babblers, prattlers, chatterers and tittle-tattlers.

January: Tourism authorities gleefully announce that zillions of tourists will be arriving in Thailand this year. Unfortunately, many will not get to see very much as by the time they negotiate the immigration queues at Suvarnabhumi and Don Mueang, and the traffic gridlock to their hotel, it will be time to go back home again.

February: The BMA announces a crackdown on pedestrians in Bangkok following widespread complaints from motorcyclists that pedestrians have been obstructing the footpaths. All ambulatory people are to be issued with L-plates until they pass proficiency tests to prove they can walk without falling down a hole, being strangled by dangling wires or treading in something extremely unpleasant.

March: A raid on an influential person's house uncovers seven elephant tusks, six tiger skins, five rhino horns, four leopard skins, three bearskins, two giant turtles and a partridge in a mango tree. He is released after explaining he is only looking after them for an old friend, whose name he can't remember and who may have even passed away.

April: A senior City Hall official denies air pollution in Bangkok is reaching a critical level. He is speaking from his hospital bed at the Ear, Nose & Throat hospital where he is suffering from acute respiratory problems after taking a brief walk in Pratunam.

May: The general election eventually goes ahead and the Party Everyone Knew Would Win … wins, and forms a coalition with the Always Join The Winning Side Party. Also making a strong showing is the Snoring For Democracy Party, bolstered by the substantial vote from officials transferred to inactive posts. Among parties that do not fare so well are the Total Integrity Party and the What About All Those Watches Party? A search is on for the only elected member of the Samlor U-turn Party, who got lost on his way to Parliament and hasn't been seen since.

June: Tourism authorities announce a new Red Light Tour of Bangkok. They admit it is time to face the facts that the reason tourists visit Thailand is not to see the temples, but rather the traffic lights. Visitors will be taken on a city-wide tour of the lights, which invariably seem to be a joyful red. The lights are already a compelling local attraction and motorists in motionless vehicles can daily be observed in huge queues at intersections, admiring the red lights.

July: Bangkok citizens are in a visible state of distress when the entire smartphone system breaks down owing to chronic overuse. Skytrain passengers clutching their lifeless phones appear panic-stricken as they ponder a grim future which might entail having to actually read a book or even talk to one another.

August: Debate rages in the Bangkok Post's letters column on the correct etiquette upon observing pedestrians falling down potholes in the pavement. The majority support the traditional response of "a hearty belly laugh" although some readers argue that a "discreet giggle" or "suppressed smirk" is perhaps more appropriate.

September: Bangkok's shophouses are awarded first prize in an international "Amazing Architecture" contest. The judges are impressed by the clever avant-garde blending of filthy iron grilles and spaghetti-like electricity wires, neatly set off by dead or dying potted plants. One judge describes it as a "mind-boggling" visual experience.

October: After a major thunderstorm, the Prime Minister and his Cabinet are spotted stocking up on Wellington Boots, sparking alarm in Bangkok and panic-buying of sandbags.

The Premier hastily explains he is only making preparations for the Miss Wellington Boot beauty pageant after the success of the Miss Grasshopper event the previous year.

November: Sgt 'Serpico' Nop is named police chief to great acclaim. Best known for his leading role in the Great Illegal Onions Raid, Sgt Nop has also distinguished himself by nailing the elusive Phantom Panty Snatcher of Nonthaburi. He also spent an eventful period in the demanding role of personal bodyguard to Edith Clampton (Mrs).

December: Eyebrows are raised when it is revealed that two dozen snowploughs have been ordered for Bangkok. An official explains the purchase is "fully transparent" and was prompted by a recent "cold snap" and it is simply a precaution. He also announces a forthcoming Miss Snowball beauty contest.

Well, after all that, I would like to wish readers the best of luck for 2019. I have a sneaking suspicion that we are going to need it.

Contact Postscript via email at oldcrutch@gmail.com