We all know that white privilege is a real thing. Caucasians tend to take certain intrinsic, institutional advantages they have for granted, such as having a dad in the picture, growing up in a civilized neighborhood, going to a private school, or even just being able to drive to the natural foods store late at night for some organic Rice Milk without being pulled over by the boys in blue. As a privileged white person, if you do happen to get stopped by the police for having a tail light out or something, you’re more likely to be let off with a wink and a warning rather than get your ass kicked and have some drugs planted on you like an oppressed black person would. You can even browse the local antique store and casually admire their collection of Ellsworth Kelly signed lithographs without some busybody shopkeeper following you around giving you the evil eye like you’re about to pocket a handful of Morgan dollars or something. Having said all that, being white isn’t always all it’s “crackered” up to be, and sometimes blackness comes with its own societal fringe benefits. Here are some neat perks you get with your Black Privilege card:

– The magical ability to set people on fire as well as completely demolish your own communities and still manage to blame the whole ordeal on systemic racism (and have prominent race hustlers and guilty white ethnomasochists make excuses for your behavior on the basis of ancestral injustices!) Some of the more stubbornly self hating, social justice warrior whites will continue to apologize and wonder what they wrongly did to provoke you even if they are the actual victim of your attack. Those that believe liberals can still be mugged by reality might be underestimating the extent cultural marxism has infiltrated the critical thought processes of status whoring millennials.

– A potential employer will be reluctant to deny you the job for fear that he might be sued for discrimination, even if you’re not the most qualified candidate. If a white male threatened to sue for discrimination, and the evidence was in his favor he would still most likely be laughed out of town with taunts like “Bahaha! Sue me for discrimination? You can’t be serious. You’re so oppressed haha, good one!” Of course, as an African-American, once you do get hired the threat of a discrimination lawsuit will make them hesitant to fire you, regardless of how well you perform the job. Nothing to worry about at, really, since big corporations value the positive PR that being able to show how diverse they are brings them so much, that they will be salivating at the opportunity to hire any halfway intelligent, well socialized black person.

– The ability to be loud and obnoxious on the bus without having to worry that someone will tell you to sit down and shut up because they will be terrified you might attack them if they say anything or even “look at you crazy.” This also applies to other public places, like movie theaters. As a bonus, some young white people will find your outspoken and aggressive behavior entertaining and charismatic, and they may even try to mimic it when they’re with their friends.

– If you are part of a mob riot or even commit a horrific crime, it probably won’t become a national news story. If it does though, no worries as the news article most likely won’t mention what race was involved and instead will just report that the perpetrators were “teens” or “youths.” If some white privileged citizen journalist posts in the comments section that the attacker’s name was “D’Marquis” or something and discovers it was yet another black crime, that person will be shamed as a hateful racist by mobs of social justice warriors for having the audacity to notice the race of the criminal.

– If you get into a confrontation with police, even if you end up being killed or severely injured (and regardless of the facts or circumstances) you will be celebrated as a hero in the black community, as well as in high status, white ethnomasochist social circles. People will march, riot, and commit random revenge killings against innocent people, all in your honor. No matter what the truth about your character, you will be henceforth be referred to euphemistically as a “gentle giant” or “aspiring college student.” If you look too thuggish or gangster in your most recent photos, the media will use cute ones from your 10th birthday party instead which will be guaranteed to tear at the heartstrings. You will even get your own Wikipedia entry edited from an SJW point of view..

– As an athlete, you can sound completely illiterate in a post game interview with a sports reporter, and if anyone dares to call you out on how inarticulate you are or they make some ignorant comment like “how in the world did this guy make it through college?” that person will be publicly shamed in the media and be branded a bigot for life. Most likely though, the young, starstruck, cultural marxism indoctrinated white female (or male) sportscaster will just want to be “down with you” and will be so excited about how “animated” and “passionate” your delivery is, they will completely overlook the fact that they couldn’t understand a word you said. No anti-racist would expect anything more out of you or think of you as capable enough of a human being to be held to the same standards as other races, as that would be offensive.

This a just a sampling of the dividends that having black privilege card can yield, but of course there are many more, like a woman just automatically assuming you have a large member, without you ever even having to whip it out or snapchat it to her. Unfortunately for white ethnomasochists, you will never be able to get a black privilege card. No matter how many times you read “To Kill A Mockingbird,” no matter much you apologize for slavery and Jim Crow, no matter how many “Justice for Trayvon” rallies you attend, or how many people you get fired from their jobs for having a politically incorrect opinion or making a racist joke, or how often you excuse their violent behavior in situations like the L.A. riots (or everyday for that matter,) most blacks will never see you as one of them. They may even get annoyed at your attempts to pander to them or act like you can identify with their experience.

In the end they will respect you more if you flaunt your privilege, embrace your heritage and respect them for theirs.