For Immediate Release

February 1, 2017

Press Briefing by Press Secretary

Brady Press Briefing Room

1:00 P.M. EST



PRESS SECRETARY: Good afternoon members of the media. We have a couple of announcements.

President Trump’s get-to-know-you visit to China is going extremely well. He held a frank discussion with the leaders of the National People’s Congress, which was interrupted for only 10 minutes while interpreters translated “kick ass.”

We are dismayed by the recent saber-rattling from the dictator of North Korea. President Trump would remind Kim Jong-un that he was on the fencing team at the New York Military Academy, so saber-rattling will not work on him. But in a show of good faith, the president has ordered the White House Mess to prepare a special kimchi bowl for lunch.

On the appointments front, we are troubled by the Supreme Court’s ruling that President Trump cannot name himself the United States Trade Representative. He will actively search for a replacement once he gets back from his deficit-reduction mission to Monaco and Macau.

Ted Cruz, we are pleased to report, has accepted President Trump’s offer to lead a fact-finding mission on climate change to Fort Conger, Ellesmere Island. We look forward to Senator Cruz’s return after the thaw.

Finally, we want to wish the people of Punxsutawney, from the great winning state of Pennsylvania, a very happy Groundhog’s Day. That is one classy marmot. According to Wikipedia, the groundhog is also known as a whistlepig, which was President Trump’s affectionate nickname for Rosie O’Donnell. Untwist your panties, gals, I’m just the messenger.

Now I’ll take some questions.

REPORTER: Can you address the controversy over President Trump displaying a Russian nesting doll in the Oval Office?

PRESS SECRETARY: Certainly. President Trump received that doll from a close friend and campaign supporter. It’s a classy gift. And we will not insult our fabulous supporters by hiding it away in a storage box in the basement like some ceramic chip-and-dip. In fact, we are in talks with Pier One Imports to mass-produce the doll for the consumer market. It will be our first American manufacturing success story, the first of many I might add. Next question.

REPORTER: Isn’t Fort Conger where 19 members of an Arctic expedition died of starvation in the 1880s?

PRESS SECRETARY: Yes it is.

REPORTER: And a follow-up, do you believe that taking a climate-change trip to the Arctic in the dead of winter is designed to reinforce the belief that it’s not a serious threat?

PRESS SECRETARY: Not at all. Remember, President Trump owns the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach. If the oceans rise, his groundskeepers will be the first to know. Bob from the Post.

REPORTER: The president has promised to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. Will it be concrete? Brick? How will it be finished, with stucco? Wallpaper? Or that wood paneling popular in the 1970s?

PRESS SECRETARY: You have this all wrong. This will not be a typical wall as you know it. It will be an impenetrable electronic and biometric barrier to protect the border communities from drug trafficking and illegal immigration.

REPORTER: So the president is walking back his promise?

PRESS SECRETARY: Sigh. If you must know, yes, it will be wood paneling. Next.

REPORTER: Steve Bannon.

PRESS SECRETARY: Do you have a question?

REPORTER: No, I just wanted to say Steve Bannon.

PRESS SECRETARY: Okay. Yes, Ta-Nehisi.

REPORTER: Today is day one of Black History Month. What does President Trump have to say about that?

PRESS SECRETARY: The president supports it. He also believes that history belongs to people of all colors, the whites and the blacks and the Green Party. Final question from the National Enquirer.

REPORTER: Is this all a dream?

PRESS SECRETARY: You’d be surprised how often I’m asked that question.