After a long wait, women across the globe can finally rejoice at the release of Fifty Shades of Grey.





"Okay sweetie. This is the part

that we play American Psycho.

Do you like Phil Collins?"





Going into this film with a great sense of trepidation and fear suited this experience perfectly. For a movie that's been hot on everyone's radars for the last six or so months of endless promotion, Fifty Shades of Grey is a hot sticky mess of fetishism and creepy stalker like material that fails under the control of a female director that wouldn't know sexy if it walked up and bit her on the ass. From poor casting of the title character to endless scenes of materialistic excess, this movie is nearly the disaster I had expected. From the onset, Fifty Shades of Grey feels exciting and mildly arousing, but once the third act hits, it becomes a lesson in boredom that truly made me want to get up and start flogging myself to stay awake.





There are some good qualities to the film. The chemistry between the two leads is not as non-existent as we've been led to believe. The soundtrack fits perfectly and Danny Elfman's score definitely suits the scenarios of the movie. The sets are beautiful to look at while the cars and elitist lifestyle is ever present. However, the casting of Dornan is the strangest thing about this adapted version of the story. He's creepy, leaves his acting chops at the doormat, and looks like a sad puppy dog throughout. And his dreadful line delivery is off putting, cold, and sadly non-engaging.





For a movie that's been advertised as the second coming of sensuality on film, the sex scenes are not erotic in the least and the BDSM that takes place wouldn't shock a nun much less a jaded audience of popcorn chomping cougars. To put it bluntly, Fifty Shades of Grey is not the sexually charged twenty minutes of hot action you were looking for. This is bondage scenario light with some boobie shots and a script that made my manhood fearful of a sequel. Johnson suits the scenes perfectly with a look of innocence but Dornan is non-convincing and always maintains strange and maniacal mannerisms that are symptomatic of an actor not comfortable in his role.





"Look at me when I'm talking to you!

How many times have I told you?

Wash your dishes and your whips

when you're done. Jesus!!!"

Johnson and Dornan look great together but the level of commitment to reality is borderline comical. At the beginning of the movie, I thought my assumptions may have been wrong. Some convincing scenes of dialogue, a couple sexual innuendos, and Dakota Johnson's dedication to her character had me fooled. By the time the third act rolled around, it all became a little clearer. Fifty Shades of Grey is egocentric soap opera-ish melodrama fueled by an insatiable desire to permeate cinemas with mediocrity.





All in all, Fifty Shades of Grey will definitely destroy the box office this weekend. Its over zealous marketing has definitely done a wondrous job of selling this dreadful and mildly abusive story to audiences (women) all across this great land. Was it as bad as I thought it was going to be? No. The first couple acts are okay but once she goes to Georgia, it's all downhill from there. This movie quickly makes a turn into Fifty Shades of Get Me The Hell Outta Here!!!





-CG

























