FBI Introduces New Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

USA—In response to the high volume of reports of unexpected visits by members of the Watchtower Society, the FBI has introduced a “Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.” Under the initiative, families overwhelmed with visits from the notorious cult would be assigned new identities and relocated to a city without a Kingdom Hall. The agency hopes this new program will provide much-needed aid to families that have been targeted for proselytizing.

“The JWPP has truly been a godsend!” says Will Hansen, whose family was among the first to take part in the process. “I haven’t had any unwanted visits since moving to Wyoming and changing my name from Tim Scott. Aw, dang it!” We were unable to get further comments, as the interview was cut short a few minutes later by the ringing of his doorbell.

In extreme cases, FBI will post SWAT teams around your residence to engage with JW representatives in battle.

For those not wanting to uproot their entire lives to avoid the JWs, the FBI released a few preventative tips:

Answer the door speaking only Dothraki.

Introduce them to an exciting business opportunity in DoTerra consulting.

Open all the windows in your house. Jehovah’s Witnesses fear windows, which is why their chapels don’t have any.

Wail uncontrollably until they leave.

The Bureau plans to expand the program to include protection from the LDS, vacuum salespeople, and pest control bros.

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