In 25 years, people will tell their children stories of a wonderful animal that used to roam the planet, mooing and bringing inner peace to all of India.* (*may or may not be accurate). Cows will be legend and fable, much like unicorns and dinosaurs… and I will be the reason.

On May 1st, I put several men to shame in a College Times eating contest and a personal tribute to Adam Richman. I went down to Lobby’s Beef Burgers & Dogs in Tempe, AZ to take on their 3lb. Burger Challenge– A massive tower of burger that needed to be taken down in less than 10 minutes!

I’ve done burger challenges in the past. I’m well known around Lindy’s on 4th in Tucson, AZ for conquering their OMFG burger, which is 3lbs of progressively less delicious eating experience. (once you hit the 8th patty, you don’t exactly crave the taste of hamburger meat.)

But their burger is different in 2 ways.

(1) It’s twelve 1/4 lb patties and 12 slices of cheese.

(The Lobby’s burger is nine 1/3 lb patties and 9 slices of cheese)

Difficulty advantage: Lindy’s.

(2) You have 20 minutes to finish in order to get a free burger.

(Lobby’s burger is 10 mins)

Difficulty advantage: Lobby’s — by a long shot.

I’ve eaten the Lindy’s OMFG burger 3 times. I finished it all 3 times, but only beat the time limit during my second and third attempts. Why the third attempt? Because I wanted to try it “Two Finger Peek-a-Boo” style.. which is to say…

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* Instead of buns, each “bun” is an entire grilled cheese sandwich.

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* Between each patty is not only a slice of cheese, but also an onion ring.

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* Also featured, grilled onions and mushrooms.

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So I guess you can say I’m not exactly a stranger to burger eating challenges. I pride myself on doing the seemingly impossible. I learned my strategy after my first attempt, and it’s made my life a lot easier.

But for the Lobby’s challenge, I was nervous. 10 fucking minutes?! My record for Lindy’s was 17 and change. 10 didn’t even really seem possible. .. which is why I had to try it.

So here’s the scene. On May 1st, College Times had their challenge, and they wanted to make it exciting. Three of us sat behind a table with our burger towers before us.

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My competitors: two decent sized guys who looked like they could each take down a small goat.

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And then there’s me. The girl. The small girl at that. It’s no wonder they scoffed at the strategies I shared with them. Ok, so not literally. They politely listened.. but they did not heed.

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With our burgers before us, I suggested waiting a few extra minutes before starting the challenge. You see, these burgers are steaming. These gases will fill up your stomach and make you hate life. A 3 lb burger fills you up. You don’t have much more room for anything else. Also, these burgers are steaming! They’re hot. Tongue-damaging hot. Fuckin’ hot.

Have you ever eaten anything that burned your tongue? Now imagine shoveling that down bite after scalding bite as the roof of your mouth falls apart and your taste buds singe clean off. Now imagine three pounds worth of that. You see where I’m going with this.

So after my third warning, they say, “Ok, we’re ready to start, let’s just start.” I shrugged and said, “Alright, bring it on.”

We began.

I opened my patties up to let them cool off a bit. I took some bites. WOAH. Hot. Worse than I expected. To put this in perspective, for two days following, eating was excruciating. The roof of my mouth was destroyed. It felt like everything was made of knives and glass. But I digress.

The burger was retardedly hot, so I did what any normal, sane person would do. I reached in my soda cup, grabbed a handful of ice, and threw it on my field of burgers. .. And I kept eating.

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I was taking on this challenge with pure, unadulterated focus. I had a clock to beat and a reputation to uphold. The burger was doomed from the start.

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A few minutes in, I decided to check out my fellow competitors. The towers before them did not bode well for their chances.

So what can pure determination and a pact with the devil get you in this day and age?

Bragging rights and a permanent place on the wall of fame. … where my time beats all!

6 Minutes.

I’ll let that sink in.

I ate 3 lbs of burger.. in 6 minutes.

This, of course, left me 4 additional minutes of supporting my fellow competitors. … through torturous in-your-face, who’s-your-daddy style mockery.

Yes, caption, victory IS sweet.