How many times do you act on requests that you feel are detrimental to you? Do you even notice when that happens?

Perhaps the question “do you notice” sounds a bit unfair. However, when you are emotionally blackmailed you might feel compelled to do things that, normally you wouldn’t do, without thinking too much about it.

Who are the people that are trying to blackmail you emotionally?

1.They are your nearest and dearest, people that you love and love you back.

Most of them, though, are not doing it knowingly; they don’t know they are hurtful to you; they think only of how to get what they want from you; they love you, but they don’t see you, their interest is blocking the view.

2. Strangers with limited interpersonal skills not knowing how to get what they want in a different way, a way that you both win something at the end.

3. Sales people with a hidden agenda.

A few reasons why your loved ones might blackmail you emotionally:

frustration

anxiety

fear

misguided desire to help

limited interpersonal skills (assertiveness, communication, influence skills)

lack of self-esteem and self-confidence

the sense of entitlement

To recognize when people are trying to blackmail you emotionally, pay attention to language patterns using feelings such as guilt, obligation, fear, pity, envy, trust or if their time and resources seem more important than yours:

I can’t believe you are so selfish

How can you do this to me

If you don’t do this for me, then I will be ill

Just do as I say and everybody will like you

You have time for [...] but you don’t have time for [...]

Choose right now; you want me or [...]

I’ve done [...] for you and now you don’t want to do [...] for me; (after everything I’ve done for you)

Do you see how you are now?

I knew I can’t rely on you

If you leave me, I will kill myself

You make me so angry, and you always know how to push my buttons

I thought you are one of these people who […] (and here they will make a list of your values and then continue with), but I see you don’t care about (and again your values.). For example: “I thought you are one of these people who cares about their family, but I see you don’t care about your family, you care only about yourself.”

“I thought you are a good person until you’ve done [so] and [so]” . Or “I thought that you will be the one that will not [disappoint me, embarrass me, make me feel ashamed and so on.]”

You will have no friends if you don’t do as I say.

You tricked me into believing you are a nice person and I see now you are no better than the rest.

There are many other examples and to be better prepared for them, know what can make you vulnerable:

low self-esteem

willingness to be second place in your life

being disconnected from your emotions and feelings

lack of courage to be assertive

an overpowering desire to be liked

In a few simple words, people who want to emotionally blackmail you, are using your values and morals, your identity, who and what you love and turn them against you for their benefit.

When being emotionally blackmailed could feel as if you can’t keep your values, morals, commitments, identity, and relationships if you don’t act as the manipulator wants you to act. The goal of the manipulator is to make you let your guard down, to take away from you any other choice other than being compliant.

I guess you’ve been many times in situations where you give into someone’s demands just because you wanted to keep your integrity and your good nature. Haven’t you?

Now that you know how it happens, why it happens, how to recognize it and who’s doing it to you, let’s see how to deal with emotional blackmail:

1. Improve your self-esteem and build up your strong, positive ego (know who you are, who you are not, your worth and value).

2. Master the skill of assertiveness and use it! A big part of being assertive is to know your rights, therefore, saying “No” will come easier to you.

3. Give up on those people that are present in your life only for their selfish interest, for a profit.

4. Define what you want and need and don’t allow others (e.g. advertising) to create artificial needs and want for you.

5. Use questions. Because not everyone that is trying to blackmail you emotionally knows that is doing it and even if they do, you still want them in your life, the simplest and honest way to defuse a “manipulation” moment is to reply with questions:

“What is your intention in telling me that?”

“Is there a point you want to make with your question/ statement?”

“How come you believe that?”

“How is equal me not behaving the way you want with not being [a good person, responsible person, loving person]?”

“What do you hope to gain by saying that?”

“Do you realize your words are making me feel uncomfortable? Is that your intention?”

“Can you tell me openly what exactly is what you want so we can move forward?”

6. Have compassion for those you love and love you back. Take into consideration that your nearest and dearest might not know how else to behave. Educate them how to treat you. Educate them how to ask from you what they want in a way that you both win.

Carmen Jacob is a personal development expert and the author of Give Yourself the Best Chance to Be The Winner.

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