SAN CARLOS, CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother’s normal state, local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic, distant mom wasn’t suffering from postpartum depression at all. “Huh, that’s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings, insomnia, and crying would go away, but I guess this is somehow her actual personality,” said the nervous 6-month-old, adding that while he was relieved his mother wasn’t suffering from a debilitating mental illness, he was less thrilled to learn the distant look in her eyes and total inability to bond with him would actually be permanent. “At first, I told myself, okay, these baby blues will go away in no time. But six months later, I can confidently say that there’s no treatment for this at all—she just hates me, herself, and everyone around her.” At press time, Garrison’s mother told reporters she was growing more and more concerned that her crying, screaming child wasn’t just doing that because he was an infant.

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