LAS VEGAS, NV — Federal Reserve Chairman Ben “I Got Your Inflation Right Here” Bernanke has been asked to stay away from the International Federation of Sump Pump Installers Convention currently being held in Las Vegas, Nevada, even though he is on the schedule as the keynote speaker. “Dat bum is giving us real bailout experts a bad name,” explained event chairman LeRoy “Bugs” Razkler, owner of What’s Sump, Doc?, the leading installer of sump pumps in the Midwest. Razkler was referring to the bailout of the federal mortgage lenders Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, a plan supported by Bernanke. “Don’t forget dem Bears in New York he bailed out,” said Razkler, probably meaning Bear Sterns, also a beneficiary of Bernanke’s aid. “Why didn’t he bail out da bears in Chicago? Now dat’s a team dat’s drowning.”

Since the Bear Sterns bailout, quarterly earnings in the sump pump industry – which is responsible for bailing out water-filled basements nationwide – have dropped 50%. “Now everybody thinks we only help banks, rich people and Bernanke’s friends,” said the federation’s president Steve Stills, owner of “There’s Sumpin’ Happenin’ Here,” the largest sump installer in California. “Nobody wants to be associated with bailouts anymore, even when the water is up to the first floor.” Many in the industry have begun referring to themselves as “Excess Liquid Extraction Engineers,” but they complain that it’s causing them to get a lot of calls for liposuctions.

The Fed chairman’s office had no comment on the convention’s snub. Bernanke has been replaced as the main speaker by Curt “Flood” Smitley, a housing developer known for building homes in flood zones. Curt’s talk is entitled, “How To Pass Inspection When You’re Up To Your Neck In Violations.”