Aw, horseshit. The Ivy League fun police have lost their damn minds. Columbia's banned its marching band from playing at the football team's final game this weekend, because, after the last game, the band made fun of the team with new lyrics to the school's fight song. Please.


Listen, I can tell you practically firsthand—I say "practically" because I'd never dare attend a game—that there hasn't been a single fun thing about this season of Columbia Lions football. Well, OK, maybe you consider an 83 percent success rate on extra points "fun." I would lean toward sad, pathetic, or poignant, perhaps. The team's 0-9. In the last game, they gave up 62 points to Cornell. Before that, they lost 37-0 to Dartmouth, and 44-21 to Albany, among other losses. This is a program that produced Marcellus Wiley, Jason Garrett, and Sid Luckman! Sad days now.

The band, however, is fun. Here are its new lyrics to "Roar, Lion, Roar," deployed last week at Cornell:

We always lose lose lose

by a lot and sometimes by a little

we all were winners at the start,

but four years has taught us all the value of

just giving up, cause we really suck

why are we even trying?

we always lose lose lose

but we take solace in our booze.


Nothing wrong with those! All the team has done is lose, lose, lose. But apparently one of the coaches confronted a drum major shortly thereafter, and that was that. The Athletics Department says the band "embarrassed our student-athletes, coaches, parents, and fans" (all, what, 15 of them?) and therefore they can't play during the Brown game this weekend.

If it's any consolation, maybe the musicians can learn some dirges and play in the parking lot after the game. Because 0-9 Columbia will lose to 7-2 Brown, and coach Norries Wilson's career record at Columbia will fall to 16-44, and he'll have to be axed, right? There's only so much the patricians can blame on the crazy kids and their tubas.

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Athletics bans marching band from football finale [Columbia Spectator]