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#7) Skittles -- "Newlyweds"





Yep, she's a keeper

Since your office probably frowns on both sex and laughter, I'll walk you through it. A bride and groom consummate their marriage in a chintzy hotel. Their nasty sex might be legal in God's eyes, but that doesn't make it right. They break the marital barrier on fornication. The world hasn't seen a bride this dirty since the cops unearthed that pit behind Skunky Joe's cabin.

Now, I'm not the kind of man to tell people how they should spend their wedding night, but that's because they're usually too startled when I step out of the bathroom. I will say this, though--it's your wedding night; look her in the eye while you use her like a dirty slut.

And then things get weird:

He ejaculates Skittles--by my count, five bags of them, and she takes them like a champ.

That's true love, is what that is.

It's the perfect commercial; it has absolutely nothing to do with the product. Every element is in place, from the groom's wobble-lipped stud talk to the spurts of Skittles cascading over that wonderfully filthy woman.

Surprisingly low. Laughing at the dweeb and the bride who doesn't realize she married one, we're too removed from our fellow human beings to fantasize about sex with a beautiful woman. Is this--is this what it feels like to be a Republican senator, Lord? Because I would have thought the laughter more maniacal.

If you think about it, the Skittles are too reminiscent of kidney stones for eroticism unless you're one of the freakier Roman emperors, which is to say: not weird enough to arouse the average Cracked reader.

Absolutely, and that's why you'll never see it on TV. Not even condom ads show people in the act of sexery, and they're trying to keep you from getting HIV, or worse, pregnant. Sex is to commercials what a nuclear bomb is to warfare: You're allowed to wave it around, but try using it to get your way and suddenly everyone gets all