Damian Lewis and Maggie Siff in BILLIONS

No one needs to be told that listening is useful. Listening is easily the most underrated component of effective leadership, but it’s not always clear how to become a better listener or when to use listening as a management tool.

A key part of compromise or persuasion is understanding the other person’s perspective. Whether it’s an employee who believes they deserve better pay or a coworker you don’t see eye-to-eye with, the ability to listen will unlock insights and knowledge unavailable to the casual observer. A few carefully worded questions can get you leagues farther than the most persuasive argument.

The problem is that it’s easy to overlook when to listen. It’s easy to be unaware we’re “in need” of it. As confident leaders, we are often sure of ourselves and believe we have all the information needed to come up with an informed perspective, not realizing that we’ve made assumptions and inferences where instead we could have listened and learned.

To start, if you find yourself in a disagreement where you can’t seem to get through to the other person, ask yourself: “do I have a full understanding of the other person’s viewpoint?” Be honest! If you could benefit from a better perspective, take 5-10 minutes to speak directly with the key stakeholders to illuminate these blind spots.

Frame the conversation

Attentive listening can seem odd. It’s not a natural way to interact. When you find yourself in a situation better suited to listening than telling, frame the conversation for the other person.

“I’d really like to have a better understanding of your stance on [topic]. Are you okay if we take some time for me to ask you some questions and explore your perspective a little deeper? I think it’ll help us speak the same language.”

This statement not only gives you the foundation for your listening, it also validates that their perspective has value, helping to relieve any underlying tension between you and the other person.

Keep asking questions

Once you get things moving some people will do the rest of the work for you, doing most of the talking unprompted. For others, they’ll fluster you by saying one or two sentences before shutting up.

In order to keep the conversation flowing, consider these questions as a way to keep the momentum:

Can you tell me more?

Why do you think you feel that way?

How did that make you feel? (seriously, it works)

What outcome are you most hoping for?

What do you see as your biggest barriers right now?

Additionally, these questions will help you explore deeper into the person’s mindset. Often what’s most valuable isn’t what a person thinks, but why they think it. Asking effective follow-up questions will get to the heart of an issue.

Don’t make it about you

It’s natural in a conversation for someone to mention something that makes you say: “I know exactly what you mean, I had the same experience”. This normal response can completely derail the progress you’re making. The point of effective listening is to make the other person the focus of attention. By taking something they said and running with it, you (innocently) make the conversation about you and your experiences.

Usually this isn’t a bad thing. We use these benign conversational moments to better connect with other people and show empathy. But this isn’t a normal conversation. You’re working to show empathy through better, deeper understanding, not through shared experience.

If you feel strongly that your shared experience with this person has merit and is worth mentioning, save it for the end. It’s absolutely safe to say something like: “I really appreciate you sharing all of that with me. I’ve had a similar experience with [topic] that helps me to understand where you’re coming from”.

Avoid judgment

This one is tough. If you’re going to explore territory that is sensitive or divisive, then be prepared to hear a perspective that you disagree with, sometimes strongly. The natural response is to offer a rebuttal or to defend yourself, turning the conversation into a disagreement.

If the person is wrong, let them be wrong. Your job here isn’t to judge their rightness, it’s to empathize with their perspective. Don’t get confused. If you allow yourself to get triggered, then you’ll forfeit any potential benefits.

Consider the power of being able to make this statement: “I’m trying to keep a more open mind about [topic], so feel free to speak openly, even if it’s something we’ve disagreed about before”. By showing that you’re working to have a more open mind, you lay the groundwork for the other person to open their mind as well. Also, you’ll find that they might share something about their perspective that you hadn’t considered before, potentially softening your stance.

Summarize what you heard

End the interaction by summarizing what you heard and what your takeaways are.

“I really appreciate that you shared all of that with me. What I heard you say was [thing 1] and [thing 2]. That helps me to better understand your perspective. I’ve realized that you and I are coming from the same place on [topic] because both of us are really trying to achieve [outcome].”

By summarizing (and being open to feedback on whether you summarized accurately), you’ll show the person that you were really listening and you’ll lay the groundwork for any appropriate next steps.

It’s natural to have employees who see things differently from you. Inexperienced leaders treat this as a challenge, cajoling or berating them into submission. Experienced leaders understand that diverse perspectives should be explored. These explorations allow for growth and learning on all sides. By showing genuine interest in the opinions of your employees you allow them to be more open and uncover opportunities for compromise and shared success.

Practice this skill the next time you encounter conflict within your team. Whether you’re mediating an argument between peers or dealing with a stubborn employee, explore deeper by asking pointed questions and opening yourself up to new information.

Let me know if this works for you. DM me on Twitter or email me. Getting results? Consider sharing this post with someone who could benefit. Good luck out there.

-Patrick

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