FORT LAUDERDALE—In a press conference held Tuesday morning, NASA officials have announced the discovery of liquid water on the surface of the region commonly referred to as Minnesota. The discovery has come as a surprise to the space exploration organization, which has listed the state of Minnesota as “unsuitable for any and all biotic life” since mid-November. Temperature trends extrapolated from four months of hard data had extensively confirmed the scientific community’s well-formed hypothesis that Minnesota temperatures were unlikely to shift above “subarctic status.”



“As we continue to develop our understanding of the incredible conditions in which life can develop, the discovery of liquid water in Minnesota is a indeed a watershed moment,” commented Major General Charles F. Bolden Jr., NASA’s chief administrator. “This planetary region has had all of its aquatic reserves trapped in large ice-masses due to extreme cold for an interminable length of time,” continued Bolden. “The discovery of unfrozen water visible from our high-powered satellites has inspired NASA to redouble our efforts to exhaustively decide if at any point this region could be home to an extremophile-type life form.”

NASA’s announcement has lent a new aura of credibility to the writings of many theorists who insist the Minnesota region plays home to a humanoid race of highly-robust organisms living on a diet consisting of nutrient-dense hot dishes, and whose culture revolves primarily around shitty football teams and complaining about their climate. These posits, best exemplified in the popular Coen Brothers film, Fargo, are still largely dismissed by the scientific community. Maj. Gen. Bolden addressed these unlikely propositions, asking viewers to reflect on “the inconsistencies between ‘intelligent’ Minnesotan life and our current Theory of Evolution. While popular culture may elevate the idea of a large tribe of suspiciously friendly bipods who stoically endure perennial beatings by the Green Bay Packers, this theory has no place in the rational realm of scientific thought.”