By Devon Sheridan (@avengedevonfold)

Now, more than ever, athletic stardom, or even the minor celebrity afforded to obscure bench players, turns someone’s face into a recognizable commodity. It is, indeed, a powerful thing. Another powerful thing is a beard. True beards transform lame faces, which most of us have, into hirsute proclamations of machismo. Not goatees. Not scruff. Not that nasty tuft of chin fluff that transforms Kendrick Perkins’ face into that of a Predynastic Egyptian pharaoh. No, I’m talking about a true beard, ear-to-ear forest face. True beards either a.) need frequent combing b.) are not too tamed by razors and line-ups c.) startle moms and girlfriends. If one’s beard answers “d.) all of the above” to the above criteria, then that True Beard gets Beard Bonus Points. (Beard Bonus Points have the magical power to compel fans to make “Fear the Beard” signs and t-shirts and other bewhiskered memorabilia.)

What follows is some exemplary – perhaps groundbreaking – NBA beard research: Currently, approximately 540 NBA players are vying for roster spots across 30 teams. Sixty-one of those players have true beards. Prior to roster cuts, which will happen over the next two weeks, the percentage of truly bearded players in the NBA comes out to 7.8% (+/- 1% for shaving and scruff growth).

When Opening Day rosters are announced on October 26, I’ll rerun the numbers and see if that percentage has changed dramatically. Even so, a couple furry facts stand out. The 76ers currently have the most true beards with five; The Bucks are tied with the Raptors, Wizards, Hornets and Timberwolves, all with four true beards currently rostered, but the Bucks claim three Bonus Beard Points thanks to solid offseason work by Greg Monroe, Miles Plumlee and Josh Powell. Finally, I’d bet my roommate’s Larry Bird socks that I gave to him because I’m a good friend that, even after roster cuts, the league’s most striking hairy stat will not change. Check this out:

The Eastern conference is far furrier than the Western conference! How weird is that? Your first reaction to this graph (after, “Wow, this is a dope graph”) probably was, “Wait, do beards make players worse?” because, you know, Eastern conference teams are worse at basketball than Western conference teams. But no way is that the case (right?). It’s physically, nay, spiritually impossible for me to believe that beards could make players worse. Mark my words, Miles Plumlee is making the All-Star game this year.

An alternative reason for the lopsided allotment of beards in the Eastern Conference is that it’s warmer out west and, by utility, there’s less need for a face quilt. I’m going with that explanation, for now. In the meantime, feel free to check out the list of all 61 truly bearded NBA players. Oh, and Pelicans, Jazz, Warriors, Lakers, Suns and Nets fans: None of your teams have true beards, so write to your GM or mayor or State Representative and get that nonsense taken care of. We’ll update this list after roster cuts and/or if people notice any wrongful omissions or inclusions. Pray for Rakeem Christmas.

Photo: USA Today