■Tony: Our first question tonight comes from a lady who our producers thought was least likely to get stage fright and vomit. ■Audience: My question is for the minister but it's the issue of the week so everyone will get to answer; that way no one hassles Tony in the green room after the show complaining they didn't get a kick of the footy. So with that loaded precis, would the minister please thank me for my question and furnish us with her scripted talking points? ■Minister: Firstly, thank you for your question and I'd like to get sidetracked by my own loquacity before Tony brings me back to the crux. ■Tony: Expert? ■Expert: We're on my pet issue and the room is eating out of my hand. This TV thing is a piece of piss.

9.55pm ■Web question: Tony, how is it that you convey exactly what you're thinking without ever saying so? Is there a course that teaches ABC hosts how to execute kinaesthetic, dog-whistling and charter-appeasing semiotic editorials? Is this the foundation of your enigma and will you marry me? ■Tony Jones: I'll take that as a comment. 9.58pm ■Not-dead person: Whatever I say is impressive to those who can't believe I'm still alive.

■[On-screen tweet: Witless reference to notorious highlight in not-dead person's former career #qanda.] ■Opposition: My media adviser assured me that this wordy zinger at the minister's expense would kill but it appears to have no traction outside of the deluded smirk on my face. ■Tony Jones: I'm going to bring in the expert here and ask everyone to ignore the hand in the middle of the camera shot that looks like someone wants permission to use the toilet. ■Expert: I'm trying to expound on this issue confidently while disguising that I feel out of my depth. ■Minister: I'd just like to re-iterate the party line.

■Know-all: Smug generalisation followed by long bow to a tired mantra. ■Social commentator: I intend to cut through the bullshit and receive a round of applause. Applause. 10.11pm ■Tony Jones: I'm hoping you haven't noticed that my earpiece has fallen out. To get the camera off me, I'm going to call on the girl with her hand up.

■Audience: I'm an arts student who goes to Q&A recordings for fun. You might have deduced from my timidity that I don't know how pretty I am. Will I be the focus of all subsequent audience cutaways? ■Tony Jones: Yes - but because that was a fizzer, my producer is urging me to go to a video question designed to get our panellists screaming at each other. ■Video question: Talking down a webcam in my bedroom required three takes and two glasses of red. When I watch this back on my plasma, I'll regret the angle and appreciate good lighting. The point is, do you think this question will make me look smart to my workmates? ■Opposition: I'm going to take this opportunity to sledge the minister with something unrelated from the past. ■Minister: I'll do the same to you so we're even.

■Social commentator: Here's an expression of a lovely sentiment held by those whose attitudes aren't compromised by the pressures of politics. ■Know-all: Your progressiveness on social issues makes me furious and forces me to reflect on how uptight I am. If you kissed me I would kiss back. ■[On-screen tweet: Watching #qanda is the only time all week I feel alive. Please help.] ■Not-dead person: I'm about to make a point that reminds people why I dropped off the radar. ■Expert: People are probably wondering why I've been quiet for about 20 minutes.

10.30pm

■Social commentator: Before we go, can I just try to get one more round of applause? ■Tony Jones: I'm afraid that's all we have time for. Please thank our panel. Applause covers sound of sphincters relaxing. ■Tony Jones: Next week, our panel will include some brilliant minds and one person oblivious to how unlikeable they are. Thanks for watching Australia's most important dinner party.