A tale of three Bobs

Rats learn through experience, monkeys by observation, but when it comes to women, most men never seem to learn anything at all.

When the doctor said Bob ought to get some exercise, Liz told him that jogging was for "health nuts"; a sure way to a heart attack. And she'd made it clear years before what she thought of men who spent their evenings in a gym - "That's for young punks who don't have a wife and kids to come home to," she said. "Besides, what really matters in life is the size of a man's wallet, not the size of his waist."

Even on his days off, Bob got up at 6am and shaved his face slicker than a baby's ass, and every 2 weeks he'd get a haircut whether he needed one or not. And so on his funeral day he lay in his casket with the head of a prepubescent boy, hair closely cropped and shiny bare cheeks.

Robert Jr.

Robert Jr. just finished 30 days in jail. He was being held for 30 days on a contempt charge which was based on his failure to pay back child support. Junior's a real estate salesman who works on straight commission. Just a few years ago he'd been doing quite well, earning almost 7 digits annually after expenses. Then his second wife filed for divorce.

Junior wanted custody of the two children but lost them and his house based on the notion that Jennifer had been a career housewife and, therefore, had developed a closer relationship with the kids. The judge said Junior's long hours at work had been a lifestyle choice and that the court would now seek to preserve the status quo.

Jennifer strategically brought up the fact that Junior hadn't wanted any children from their marriage anyway. In fact, he'd once scheduled an appointment for a vasectomy after her first "surprise" pregnancy had been detected, and only canceled when Jennifer threatened to break-up over it. When Jennifer found out she was pregnant for the second time, she reminded Junior that "The Pill isn't perfect, ya know".

So, anyway, after his divorce from Jennifer, Junior moved into a studio apartment. His drinking increased considerably and his income dwindled in inverse proportion. He petitioned the court for a lower child support assignment, but the judge said that his past earnings evidenced the fact that he was capable of the higher level. The court concluded that he had simply decided to lower his production in retaliation for his failed bid to deprive his wife of the custody of her children and so had reduced his income willfully in defiance of a court order.

Bobbie

Junior's oldest child by his first wife is Bobbie (Robert III). He's 17 years old and a senior in high school. He has a 2 year old car, a girl friend named Gail and the 30 hour per week job that it takes to support them. He's currently saving up to cover the cost of a limo and dinner prior to the prom. He figures that about $600 should be more than enough, but not by much. He and his girlfriend occasionally have sex, but he doesn't use rubbers because Gail objects. The first time he pulled one out she asked him what the problem was - did he think SHE had a disease or had HE been sleeping around with "some dirty slut". "Besides", he says, "Gail takes the pill; I don't hafta worry about any of that."

Bobbie sees his dad occasionally and once, a few months ago, Junior brought up the subject of sex. Junior tried to explain to Bob that a woman can't always be depended upon to avoid having children, that if she decided she wanted to get pregnant and the guy wasn't using any protection, that it was just going to happen and the guy'd be held responsible. He told Bob that if he masturbated in the shower prior to a date, he's be surprised at how much less horny he'd be. In fact, he might even decide he had better things to do with his money than to spend it on $50 dates with gold-digging, unemployed girls. Bob turned bright red and said that jacking off was for kids and perverts. Besides, he could trust Gail to use birth control because she really loved him.

Junior told Bobbie that when he turned 18 in a few months he'd be able to get a vasectomy without his mother's permission, but the whole idea made Bob angry. "Why wouldn't I want to have children someday, Dad? What would Mom think of me? You know she wants to have grandkids. Would a woman even want to marry me if I can't make any kids with her, he asked? Gail talks about having kids all the time." "What's all this talk about marriage?" Junior asked. Bobbie said he was really looking forward to getting married someday. He thought it'd be neat to be able to have sex any time he felt like it and to really be able to control a woman instead of just having a girlfriend who could do anything she wanted. "Besides, girlfriends are expensive."

Buying Back Your Manhood

And so we conclude our tale of the 3 Bobs. Rats learn through experience, monkeys by observation, but when it comes to women, most men never seem to learn anything at all. A couple of suggestions: Tonight, before you crawl into bed and beg for sex, look back over the day and count the ways in which you sold your manhood. Then tomorrow morning while you scrape off the outer layer of your face, try to figure out what it'll cost to buy it back.