WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Federal investigators said today that they were “baffled” as to why millions of people chose to believe something they read yesterday on Twitter, a social-media site that has falsely reported the deaths of more than seventy-five thousand different celebrities.

“It’s mystifying,” said one investigator working on the case. “One theory we’re considering is that people who spend time on Twitter eventually lose their capacity for critical thinking and become sheep.”

The Syrian Electronic Army, the group of hackers who claimed responsibility for yesterday’s hoax, said that they were “flabbergasted” that it created such chaos: “Honestly, we didn’t think anyone would believe it, what with it being on Twitter and all.”

At Twitter headquarters, a company spokesman said that yesterday’s incident, which briefly caused the Dow to plunge a hundred points and temporarily wiped off a hundred thirty-six billion dollars of value from the S.&P. 500, was “testament to the amazing growth of Twitter.”

“In a few short years, Twitter has evolved from a mere waste of time into a force capable of massive havoc and destruction,” the Twitter spokesman said.

“We’re excited to see what Twitter does next.”

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Photograph by John Moore/Getty.