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Last year, I put together a transcript of Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. You guys liked it and I subsequently put together Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said, and a the first two seasons of Everything Tracy Jordan Said. Here is Season 4. This season, Tracy Jordan had a few great lines, specifically in Episodes 18 and 21. As always, these are ALL of Tracy Jordan’s lines from Season 4. If you’re looking for a best of list or this isn’t your thing, there’s plenty of other internet out there for you. It’s going to take a second to get through, so be careful if you have stuff to do today.

Episode 1

-I can’t eat this, I’m a foodie.

-Well, before I made it in the stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.

-Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?

-You know how on St. Bart’s people be eating their lobster like this? Nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom.

-Don’t look at me in the eyes.

-Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmuli about this.

-I blame you and Dotcom. You have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid booby. And now I’ve touch with the common man. Ehhhh. Who’s that?

-Oh, hey, guy. Come on in. So Rolly, where you from?

-Right on, my brother. My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?

-Hey, Rolly, you ever lose your remote control?

-And then your wife start getting all mad because the roof won’t close and the bed that’s in the shape of your face is getting rained on? Hahaha. I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?

-What do you mean that was weird? You sheltered me too much! I’m going out on the street and I don’t want nobody to follow me. Nobody. Uhmm. Which one is the elevator I’m not afraid of? RIGHT.

-Kenneth, how do I get out of this building?!

-Hello?

-Hello, is anyone there? I’m in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he’s a friend. Oh, never mind, there’s a door. Oh, it’s sunny!

-Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is?

-Are you a large child or a small adult?

-You look regular, could I get your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Creckford? Is it Swimming?

-Are you a pre-op transcentaur?

-Excuse me, do you have change for a $10,000 bill?

-I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife’s rice, to stay.

-Excuse me, sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?

-Does anyone want to be my friend?

-I’m normal!

-It’s going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, Nobody. And his wife Susan Walters Hyphen Nobody. I’m so far from my roots, I don’t think I’ll ever get back.

-What’s that sound? Bucket drummers!

-These. These are my people. Bucket drummers, if you’re striking, so am I. Two-four-six-eight-ten-twelve-fourteen-sixteen-eighteen.

-New what? If it’s a blonde woman, I’m a kill myself!



Episode 2

-Liz Lemon, you booger face. I’m going to kill you with a bazooka.

-I bought my wife that dumb book of yours and the more Angie reads it, the madder she gets at me.

-No, it’s off me. A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber factory. It’s on you, Liz Lemon, and you will be punished.

-Congratulations, Liz Lemon, now Angie wants a break. So instead of going to a hotel or my hotel, which I can not find, I’m staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.

-Oh, yeah. There’s a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef. What’s for dinner tonight? I want pierogies.

-Tracy and Liz’s residence. Tracy speaking.

-It’s Jenna, from work.

-Too soon.

-What’s wrong, roomie?

-Hahahah.

-Hahahah

-Hahahaha

-Hahahah.

-Tracy and Liz’s. Tracy speaking

-Now that we’re all up, do you want to talk about the elephant in the room?

-I mean the figurative elephant. Liz, I been reading your book. Now I see why Angie’s mad at me. ‘If your man has seven cell phones, but won’t give you any of the numbers, that’s a deal breaker. If your man has a diamond necklace that says, ‘Open Marriage’, that’s a deal breaker.’ Liz Lemon. Every little thing I’ve done is in here. You used me to write your book!

-You stole my life, and you’re gonna pay for it.

-I’ll take all of them.

-She doesn’t like to refill the Brita.

-And I will take the top half, for that is the half with the face.

-Something humiliating.

-Thank you, Jack.

-I’m willing to go splittsies.

-That’s a pun on Amadeus, dummy. I will not be judged by you. You caused this whole Pharaoh. Until you are adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. And, oh yeah, I used your credit card to buy an vocabulary course from the teaching company.

-Affirmative.

-Everyone settle. And action!

-And cut! This is disgusting. Shut it down.

Episode 3

-I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

-Orange and black decorations. Is this Halloween or Princeton Parent’s Weekend? I don’t know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.

-Proud it is.

-He’s in Cabo?

-What do you mean?

-Yeah, right. That’s not a real thing.

-This is gonna be the scariest Princeton Parent’s Weekend ever!

-Jack, you have to help me. I’m gonna die any minute.

-Celebrities, they always die in groups of three. Two already died and I might be the next to go.

-I gotta go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?

-Keep refreshing, maybe Andy Dick has died in the last 20 seconds.

-No, I have to take matters into my own hands. Boo!

-Hey, Betty. It’s TJ.

-So how you feeling? Any arm pain, shortness of breath, plans to investigate corruption in Russia.

-Umm, no.

-You look clean. You a celebrity?

-No, celebrity.

-Perfect, I’ll show you the shortcut.

-Yes, Queen Latifah’s friend. I’m sure.

-I’m sorry, Ken, but I want to live.

-Ahhhh.

-I can’t. I don’t wanna die.

-What’s wrong, Ken? That hatchet isn’t real, is it?

-That’s three! Tell my wife I went to Philadelphia on business! Yeah ha!

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Episode 4

-Jennifer M. Why are you so worked up?

-Nothing’s gonna change. They’re gonna hire some skinny white guy. How is that a threat? You’ll do your lady characters and I’ll get on stage and people will laugh even when I forget my, um, myâ€¦line?

-Lines.

-Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom, you know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play, hahahahaha. Hahahah.

-Where?

-He’s Evil Tracy? Oh, he’s evil comma Tracy. Go on.

-Dotcom? Oh no. I once saw that guy BECOME Trigorin at the Wesleyan Art Space. That guy is good. I can’t compete with him.

-OK, let’s go.

-I repeat. All funny gays into the car.

-We need the funniest fool to step forward.

-That’ll work.

-And this is a reimbursement form for my gas. I drove a million miles.

-Paranoia! Where?

-Was describing your sandwich necessary to our understanding of what happened?

-Tell me more.

-And that freaks people out, huh? This is a learning and friendship adventure.

-Hey, Dotcom. Nice to meet you.

-Who, Brian Williams?

-My two cents, I liked the janitor.

Episode 5

-Hey, Jackie D. I hope the new dude isn’t hard to work with like some people I know.

-Liz Lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.

-When I first got big, I made bad business decisions, too. Which is how I stuck having to plug Wade Boggs Carpet World 5 times whenever I appear on screen.

-Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World.

-He knows your special like a black stripper with blue eyes. You have to test the marketplace.

-And one last piece of advice, Liz Lemon, from someone who has been on this side of the business for a long time. Wade Boggs Carpet World.

-From now on, I shall call us the Problem Solvers.

-Yo, Ken, do you have a problem that needs solving?

-Always have been, always will be.

-It’s not about the room, Danny. It’s about the man. Any room around here you see with a door, you make it your bathroom.

-Ken, you don’t want to be a page forever.

-What? No, I mean, what’s your dream job? Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

-So, someday you could be my boss.

-No, I’ll brush my own teeth. Now I don’t want you to have any resentments towards me. From now on, I don’t want you to do anything for me.

-Hey, Jackie D. What’s wrong? You’re not your usual giggly self.

-Just to be safe, let’s do both.

-You’re not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.

-Well, I could introduce you to my boy, Scotty Shofar.

-Hell, yeah. I’m a frequent guest of sports shouting.

-Ahhhhhhhhh.

-Nah, introducing you to Scotty probably wouldn’t solve your problems with Jack.

-I don’t know, all white people look the same to me, Pete.

-That’s what Danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what’s going on.

-That was abooot the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

-Nine hours.

-He knows what I want before I do.

-I wanted waffles.

-Yayyyyyyy.

-Do you have a problem? Then call the Problem Solvers.

-Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawl space?

-Call the Problem Solvers.

-Because after all, what’s a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?

-Mouse in your house?

-We are the Problemâ€¦Solvers.

-That was a good rehearsal, now let’s record it. And we’re rolling.

Episode 6

-It’s take your black kid to work day.

-Every day. I thought having a family was going to be like the Cosby Show. ‘Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert. Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.’ The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have a strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting. But I can’t because I got this little D-Bag here.

-And yet, you won’t tell me.

-Woah, woah, woah, woah. I mean, that’s a big decision. Having a family is also the best thing a man canâ€¦He’s gone. So my story. So I’m in the strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbitsâ€¦Damn it, I can’t live like this. I’m getting a vasectomy, too!

-The Cosby Show lied to me.

-Trying to get someone to move out? May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out? Black person moved in, scared them off.

-I gotta lot of good ideas. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my son to my vasectomy because the Cosby Show lied to me and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.

-Sure, I know how to do that. You lied to me, Bill Cosby, you lied to me. Uh, oh. Here comes my hallucination.

-Denise, Vanessa, Sandra the boring one? It’s your father, I’m having a Cosby Show hallucination.

-Theo, what’s going on here? Did Rudy make a mess with the juicer again? Vanessa was supposed to be watching her and not upstairs gossiping on the phone.

-Your adorable sister and your sister.

-That’s why my life is not like the Cosby Show. I only have boys and boys are disgusting. I need a baby girl. Don’t patronize me. Stop laughing, it’s not funny. I need a baby girl. Don’t snip my vas deferens.

-Wake up, Tracy. Wake up. I donâ€™t want a vasectomy Dr. Spaceman. I need to go back in time. Why did I sell my Delorean to Mr. T?

-Jackie D, I need a baby girl!

-What made you change your mind?

-Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet so I don’t get hurt playing across. Now, come on, that’s pretty solid for a guy who just came out of a hallucination.

-Frank, I’m gonna have a daughter, and I would never tell that story. It’s demeaning to women. Especially if they’ve had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Episode 7

-Uh, Liz Lemon. I need to talk to you.

-Come over here and check out my corner. No trap.

-Come over here, I said, in my normal tone of voice.

-Liz Lemon, recently I realized that I have a hole in my heart and not the one I got from eating batteries. It’s because I don’t have a daughter.

-I want a baby girl, Liz Lemon. I mean having a daughter is like going to the NBA All Star weekend. It changes you. Makes you want to take your wife to the doctor.

-I’m glad you feel that way because Angie’s on her way up and I want you to tell her for me.

-Oh, yes you are. Click.

-I said click to distract you from the sound of the hand cuffs.

-You did good.

-What are you implying? I’m a very attentive father.

-There was a better kid’s birthday party up the street.

-Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?

-Racist!

-You know what? Keep your hair appointment. I’ll do the Christmas shopping to prove to you I can be reliable and that I can finish everything that Iâ€¦

-I need a special gift for my wife. Something that says, “I’m responsible.” Something simple. Classy.

-Yes, perfect. What’s that? I want it. I forgot why I originally came in here.

-Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah, I’m just kidding. He’s not invited. But who’s an EGOT?

-That’s a good goal for a talented crazy person. Nah, that was earlier. I want this.

-Marco!

-Marco!

-No need, I got something better than presents for you and the kids. I got us all this EGOT necklace for me.

-It’s not dumb, it’s smart. This necklace is a life goal. I’m going to win me an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony.

-I am gonna EGOT. For us, for the family and especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.

-Great. I’ll be in touch. You still use your Hotmail account?

-I’d first like to thank my creative team for coming here on such short notice and I’m sorry I’m four hours late. Dotcom, research update.

-That’s good raw data, now turn it over to Griz for analysis.

-Kenneth, synthesize Griz’ analysis.

-And then a Broadway play based on that movie. This is how I’m gonna get my baby girl. All I have to do is create the most popular song of all time!

-I started already!

-People. Love song. About love and cars. I’ve started already. Stop, stop. It’s all wrong. How could five of the most popular musical styles all played at once sound so bad?

-Oh, yeah, Ken? What do you know about the pressures of EGOTing? I need to speak to someone who’s been there. A fellow EGOTer.

-Is it me or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?

-I gotta EGOT, Whoopi. See I made this deal with my wife. If I don’t EGOT, then I can’t have another kid.

-You created the super-majority?

-I don’t get it. Why is it so hard? I paid all these people to create the most popular song in the world for me.

-Wait, is that a Day Time Emmy?

-That’s good advice, Whoopi.

-Say, could I have a glass of water before I leave?

-Thank you.

-Baby girl, you’re the missing piece. The perfect fit. Baby girl. You’re the product of doing it.

-Uhhh, wait. If you really want a baby, I’ll give you my gift, but I must warn you, I won’t be around a lot. Cause I’m EGOTing.

-I know, we’re lucky people laugh when I say stuff.

Episode 8

-What’s with all the junk, Ken?

-OK.

-Dig.

-Gonna let that one slide.

-Verdukianism? That doesn’t make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.

-So you guys are Verdukians?

-Mmmhmm. Then sing that Verdukian winter carol. The famous one.

-What the what? New dude is as good at signing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.

-What’s up, special K, having a party?

-Your generosity is being taken advantage of.

-Verdukianism, it’s fake. Those dudes made it up because they didn’t want to do Secret Santa.

-That’s what religion is, KFed. Just a bunch of made up rules to manipulate people. Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver’s.

-Oh, Ken. We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here and if you try to grab on to me, we’ll both drown.

-OK. Time to go.

-Something you want to say?

Episode 9

-Finally! Over the break I forgot which floor I worked on.

-Six! I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn’t find the Joey Russo button.

-I had a pretty amazing New Year’s, too. My wife and I are trying for a daughter and on New Year’s Eve I think I got Angie pregnant.

-OK, but I was gonna describe it real good.

-I did it. Angie just called, she’s pregnant.

-Yes, and it gets better. I just had a burrito.

-I know it’s a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled Susan B. Anthony at the moment of conception.

-We’re gonna name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night, so we’re either gonna name her, Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teeterboro Airport.

-Hey, baby. You knew here?

-Uh, huh. And before you worked here, where you an ass scientist? Because your ass blah, blah, blah, you get the point. So what’s your name?

-Virginia? But that’s gonna be my daughter’s name. Are you also someone’s daughter?

-Is every woman someone’s daughter?

-Uh, oh!

-I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time. Griz. When was the last time you told your fiancÃ© you loved her â€“Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement. Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians. Dotcom, do you EVER read books by women?

-Enough! I’ve made a decision and starting next week, I’m adding a woman to the entourage.

Episode 10

-Hey, Kenneth. Why aren’t your teeth growing in the black light?

-Sue, you’re probably wondering why we asked you to join the entourage. Well, over the years, I’ve had a complicated relationship with women. From my treatment of the dancers here to my remarks about Madeline Albright at the 1996 White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

-What? It’s true. She does look like one of those.

-That’s why I’m adding a daughter to the entourage family. Now what’s on the schedule for today?

-I think I’m going to go ahead and cancel that.

-A hang on. No! I don’t think we should go to a strip club. It just doesn’t feel right. I think we should let the new member choose an activity.

-I said we’re not going to a strip club.

-Why don’t you understand? I don’t want to take you to a strip club.

-Hey hey, watch your mouth, she’s only 34 years-old.

-K. What’s wrong with me? First I don’t want to go to strip clubs and then I get angry at the hilarious dude that says something awesome.

-But I’m not like that with my sons. When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool. To help them get over their fear of sharks.

-Thank God, because the doctors keep telling me it’s pretty clogged!

-Ah, where are you going? It’s board game night.

-Out? With whom?

-Well, does Doug have a last name?

-You are part of this entourage.

-Look, I know you didn’t mean that.

-There you are. You know Kenneth and I were worried sick about you?

-That’s not important anymore. I want to talk to you about our fight the other night. Look. Having a girl in your life is different. You want to protect her. And the best that you can hope for is that some day a nice man will come and take her from you. That’s it.

-Here he is now. I knew this day would come, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. You take good care of her.

-I don’t know if I can go through this with a real daughter.

-No, I wouldn’t. Not for a billion doll hairs.

-Yeah. They’re not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe forty grand for them.

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Episode 11

-Liz Lemon, I can’t go to Boston.

-You don’t understand. I get in trouble on the road.

-Thank you. Thank you. It’s great to be here, Cleveland.

-I suck? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks.

-Hello!

-The road is a mine field, LL. All those angry drunks and new temptations.

-That stupid, Irish piece ofâ€¦ Oh, boy. Boston is not gonna go well.

-Now what am I supposed to do? I got free time in a strange city.

-Puuurrrrfect like a cat birthday. How could I possibly get in trouble on a walking tour.

-You lying white devil. The only people you set free were rich white dudes like yourself.

-We ain’tâ€¦ No! Most dudes that signed that Declaration of Independence owned slaves. What about you, John Hancock?

-For the dude that has the most hilarious last name I ever heard you blow. We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on Mars.

-Sure, find a scapegoat. Just like John Hancock did with the good King George.

-Boston was just the match that lit the powder keg, like the tragic events at Lexington and Concord.

-Sounds like one of King George’s hated tax collectors.

-Don’t listen to him. We fell for his lies 300 hundred years ago. Don’t let this slave owning time traveler fool us again!

-Then patriots are overrated.

-I said they suck. Uh oh. Here come the punches. This was all Snitterman’s fault.

-Uh, huh. And where did you two meet?

-Really? So five years AFTER Crispus Attucks was killed in the Boston Massacre?

Episode 12

-OK, push. Push, Liz Lemon!

-Congratulations, it’s Meat Cat!

-I’m sorry. Would you like to stay at my guest house?

-Oh, I’m not offering, I’m just taking a survey to gauge general interest. But Liz here has a spare apartment. Ain’t that right, Liz?

-Oh, woah, woah.

-You’re sleepwalking, Liz. It’s a little understood parasomnia disorder.

-OK, I don’t mean to be the black guy at the movies, but, “You better move, girl!”

-This just got awesome.

-This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

Episode 13

-It’s a real problem in the celebrity community, but if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters, I’d stop trying to break into her house.

-Can’t do it, Lee Lem. On Valentine’s Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to soup kitchen and that’s when it starts to get sexy!

-I’m Tike Myson, baby boxer. I’m crazy like that. Googoo googoo.

Episode 14

-[Cough, cough, cough, cough], I think we got it.

-Excuse me, do you know who you’re talking to? A future Tony nominated actor. That’s right. It is Tony eligibility season. And I’m going for the T in my EGOT.

-I’m doing a one man show.

-Tonight!

-What am I? A nerd? I’m gonna keep it loose, Liz Lemon.

-I did it. I’m a Broadway star! Jenna, could you accept my Tony on my behalf? June is a tough month for me because I begin lifeguarding again,

-5 hours.

-I don’t know, people seemed to like it.

-Wait, the same show?

-But I can’t do that, I’m a spontaneous actor. I never do the same thing twice.

-Honey, I’m home. Pac Man, I’m Jewish. Jeffrey, we lost the tournament. I can’t do 7 more performances.

-Do they give an award for tarantula misplacement?

-Got it, no farting.

-After me.

-No, Tracy.

-No, stop it-Uh, we gotta start over. I farted.

-To sit in darkness in a sharp sharp sharp. In darkness in sitting in the sharp. This is stupid.

-Well, maybe we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree on the acting process.

-I don’t know, when I’m acting, I just do me and people seem to love it.

-Your performance.

-Karsfeld, Ruben M. Klavec, Yuri. Klassen, Igor. Klesterin, Robert. Klasco, Harold. Kluber, Tatiana.

-Bordnay, Lorenzo. Chinlow, Martin. Broadman. Gil. Takakahamo, Jessica. Themopoulis, Dororthy. Lippowitz, Lauren.

Episode 15

-Yeah, I’m supposed to be drinking a soda right now.

-That’s the craziest thing I ever heard, Episcopal.

-I wish. Our old nanny wrote a tell all book about me.

-It’s bad. I just got the call from a friend at Little Brown.

-No! The premier talent agency for black dwarves.

-Everything. My addiction to prescription glasses. The fact that I suffer from attention deficit disor-Jack your shoes are shiny! And worse of all, she revealed the fact that I’ve never cheated on my wife.

-That’s all for show. I love my wife and only her.

-My wild and sexually adventurous image is how I make my money, Liz Lemon. I start losing my endorsements, Angie’s gonna be madder than a bat in a suitcase. Uh oh, which reminds me. Gordon? Gordon?

-But, Frank, I still party. I’m still terrible at my job.

-I did, J-Mo, I held a press conference this morning.

-I’m here to announce that I’m leaving show business to spend more time with my stripper.

-But it’s like a black Barbie Doll in Arizona, nobody’s buying it.

-But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride on their Cinco de Mayo float.

-It’s gotten worse. Somebody leaked my voicemails.

-Hey, baby, it’s your husband. So I’m at Bed Bath & Beyond and I can’t remember, did you say to get metal or wood shower curtain rings? Oh, you’re calling me on the other line. I can’t wait to talk to you. I love you.

-She says I better have an affair and quick before it tears are family apart.

-That’s the problem, who’s desperate enough to have sex with me at this point?

-Hello, Elizabeth, may I offer you a succulent fruit?

-Let me do a dance for you, my lover. No, no this is wrong. I can’t have sex with you, Liz Lemon. I love Angie too much.

-I’m sorry, LL. I know how much you wanted this to happen. I’m disappointed in me, too. If I can’t have an affair, Tracy Jordan is finished.

-I am lucky. Thanks, Liz Lemon.

-And you know what? One day you will have what I have because you’re an amazing, strong, and talented woman, like Hilary. From Fresh Prince of Belair.

-I’m sorry, I was still riding the vibe from earlier.

Episode 16

-Oh huh, good morning.

-Lemoroni, something horrible happened to me last night. I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable Jacuzzi. It was crazy, glistening black and white skin. It looked like a close up of a killer whale being born.

-Just like this amazing city that we live in.

-Nooooooooo!

-Nooooooooo!

-I had another freaky Kenmare.

-Nooooooooo! Oh Oh Oh.

-Me, too. But how do we know this isn’t a dream? Wait a minute, all my teeth are loose, so we’re good. It’s true.

-What kind a sick mind dreams that?

-Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

-We have to Elm Street this. We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams.

-This is a dream. You’re in control.

-It’s working, we’ve joined forces in our dreamscape, now we fly.

-Controlling our dreams?

-It worked!

-And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we’d like to sing you a thank you song.

Episode 17

-Not now, Jackie D, I heard on the walkie talkies that there’s a red headed milf walking around with some executive.

-It’s an 18th Century word for dark-skinned Moor. I’ve learned the word ‘black’ in every language, just so I know when to be offended. Russian tcherny, Korean hooking, dolphin eeee eeee eee eeee.

-Nah uh, I’m telling you, Dotcom, old school racism is back.

-Barry Obams is the one who brought it back.

-Hey, something’s going on. You know what I seen last night? A Sloven Shield commercial with a black burglar.

-Oh, yeah, it’s back on. Get ready, son. All you’ve ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah Covergirl commercials.

-That is a 15th Century term for a black pirate. Racist!

-Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy because we all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?

-You know, I been wanting to say this for a few seconds now. This work place has become a hotbed of old school racism.

-Oh, yeah? Then how come I’m always forced to play redikorus characters that don nununciate well?

-Nah, you can play it off, but I know that you’re all secretly mad that we finally have a black Disney princess.

-Of course not, the Aryan hates and fears the African man. As we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.

-Splcok, short for black Spock.

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Episode 18

-Yeah, Thursday Night Thunder. That’s been going on for years.

-Well, I yelled Baba Booey at Walter Cronkite’s funeral, so I actually have no idea of what’s rude or not.

-But I couldn’t Thunder last night because I had to take Angie to the ER. She had some complications with her pregnancy, so that kind of trumps your little problem?

-Well, she’s fine and the baby’s fine, but they put her on bed rest until her blood pressure goes down.

-There is one thing. Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole ass ache blows over?

-What about you, K?

-This better be important, I’m in a meeting.

-Great update, Ken. Thanks for checking in. Talk to you later.

-What, but why? You’re much better at that serving stuff than I am.

-To be honest, I couldn’t really understand anything Rick James was saying.

-Fine, I’ll be there soon. And if you get hungry, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge and once I’m there I’ll figure determine how much to charge you.

-Hey, Ken. Isn’t that a fun place to stand? Oh, I forgot to warn you about my dog, Tracy, Sr. I trained him to hate white people because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. This is my boy here. And look what Angie did to him. She set up an invisible fence. He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property. Just because he’d run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors horses, he’s trapped here just like me.

-I’m trying, Ken, and I want to be responsible, but I been me for a long time.

-No, we’re not supposed to do any sex stuff while she’s on bed rest.

-Oh, like a real one! I’m on it.

-Maybe this will get Angie to stop calling me irresponsible. Just stay focused and take this sandwich to my wife.

-Nope. I’m in a strip club, my bad!

-Ken, why did you let me go to a strip club?

-This is bad because I can’t change. I’m like a chameleon, always a lizard.

-This better be a meeting, cause I’m important!

-I can’t, LL. First of all the Secret Service never gave me back my T Shirt canon. And second of all, I gotta stay home and take care of Angie.

-People don’t say that anymore. They say Surf Party USA.

-Look, Liz Lemon, I know your feelings are hurt, but parties are like Frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they’ll veer off in a bad direction and then your kid will fall into a quarry.

-Don’t throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you. Like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

-I don’t know what to do. A party’s in trouble and I’m the only one that can save it.

-I’m torn, K-Pax. I know I should be here, but my body’s going to take me to Liz Lemon’s. What do I do?

-Put the electric dog collar on me.

-Man, Tracy, Sr took of fast. He did not want to live here.

-You’re gonna pour glue in the lock. That’s how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.

-No, Ken, there’s something else you have to do, for all of us. Unfortunately, there’s only one Tracy Jordan, but sometimes he’s needed in two places. You’re Tracy Jordan now. Go. Go save that party.

-Wait, I don’t walk that well.

-This better be Meat Men, I’m importing.

-Hey, Ken.

-Oh my God.

-Oh my God, I just didn’t want to go outside, it’s chilly.

-No, this is something I have to do myself.

-Yes, he probably picked up your scent and he’s hunting you. I suggest you cut off a finger and throw it in the river.

-Huh, maybe this doesn’t work on people. Ahhhh. Ahhhh. Ahhhh. My neck. My swan like neck. Ahhh. Must fight through it. Also, must weed lawn.

-I made it. I’m on the other side. I’m free. I can go anywhere I want. Like Liz’s party. Or one of those place where you sky dive over a huge fan.

-Hmm. Maybe it doesn’t work on people anymore. Ahhhh. It still does. Ahhhh.

-Oh, God. If you deliver me from this, I promise every Sunday, I’ll go to, huh? I’m through it. Pizza Hut. I’ll go to Pizza Hut. Ha!

Episode 19

-Before we rehearse, I have an announcement to make. Our boy Griz is getting married on May 22.

-So I thought Griz would like to take this time to announce who’s going to be his best man.

-Um, I haven’t decided yet. You sound like my mother talking to the Planned Parenthood lady. Seriously, which one of your rich and famous friends with hepatitis B are you going to pick?

-Let’s not do this in front of everybody, you sound like my mother being booed onstage at a 2 Live Crew concert.

-Damn, my mother had problems.

-Of course, you guys are very close. Continue.

-Really? I’d be awesome at that.

-But who’s gonna tell U2?

-No, you two idiots. I see what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to manipulate me into not being the best man. And, damn it, Griz, I’ve known you since you were 6 feet tall. I’m gonna be your best man. I am the leader of this entourage and because of you, I’m having a tantrum. Now pick up that table and smash it for me.

-That’s fair. I know that!

-Woah, you watch your mouth before I show you the back of my hand.

-Liz Lemon, I don’t even want to be best man. Why would I? Show up on time? Not lose a ring? Keep my shirt on though a dinner?

-Because I’m trying to protect Dotcom, dummy. He’s in love with Griz’ fiancÃ©, Fyonce.

-No, Griz’ fiancÃ© is name Fyonce, like Beyonce with an F.

-Listen, we cannot make Dotcom get up there and give a speech at that wedding. It’d kill him.

-You think that’s impressive. Watch me stand on one foot. Hold on, I did it earlier.

-No, you do.

-Bored.

-So you’re?

Episode 20

-I gave Kenneth her information.

-OK, but whoever she is needs to be someone as amazing as I am. I want to see a list of names. Like when they was looking for John McCain’s running mate. Hahaha. I’m kidding, this needs to be taken seriously.

-Novella Nelson. Oh, wait, is she Aquaman’s girlfriend?

-That could be anyone. We all look the same to me. Is she famous?

-What about the list I gave you? Phylicia Rashard? Serena Williams?

-Who cares, she’s awesome and so am I. I want Serena Williams to be my mother.

-Like anyone would recognize you anyway.

-You are way beneath me, Novella. I am a movie star, a television actor, and the Guinness Book of World Records holder for most car accidents in a single year.

-Fine. I’d rather be up on that stage all alone than be up there with someone whose resume has black judge on it 9 times.

-I saved a lot of kids from lame sex.

-I hear you. Because you’re talking in the ear that I didn’t lose a button in.

-Boy, I though I had it bad with my fake mom.

-Yeah, it’s true and she is a good actress. I bought those Pajammaralls.

-No, Jenna. No one gets to choose their mom. Even when they’re fake. For good or bad, we’re stuck with them. And you know, they don’t get to choose who we are either. And God knows we’re not perfect.

-You look beautiful, mom.

-I think I’m ready for the sex talk.

-That’s our show. Thanks for watching.

-Goodnight, stay tuned for a special Mother’s Day edition of Bitch Hunter.

Episode 21

-Entourage meeting. I know which movie I’m doing this summer.

-It’s a pun, because cats paws have grooves.

-It’s perfect. I’m playing Garfield. My whole part is being shot on green screen in 3 days and they’re paying me exactly 1 million teacher salaries.

-What’s this?

-Interesting. And I’ve gotta win an Oscar somehow. It’s either this or I submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust.

-I read the script.

-I hated it. I couldn’t relate.

-I don’t remember that kind of stuff. I mean, I remember being born, of course. I remember learning how to ride a bike, but that was last year. From ’75 to ’82 is just a blur.

-No, I don’t. I was on a yacht with the Roots last week, dude.

-What are we doing here? You told me we were going someplace boring. This is an awesome copy shop!

-That’s where I grew up.

-My God, nothing’s changed at all.

-Why do I recognize that stairwell?

-It’s all coming back to, oh my God. I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A ribcage.

-Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason. Oh, Lord. Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

-I hate pain! I’m doing Garfield 3, and as soon as I make some copies of my passport, I’m never coming back here. Move.

-Nermal. I hate you, Nermal. Almost as much as I hate Mondays. This is my lasagna. You hear me Nermal? My lasagna.

-Well I’m sorry Sean, and child actor whose name I can’t remember. You haven’t walked in my shoes! All my life I’ve tried to forget the things I’ve seen. a crackhead breast-feeding a rat A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal! There’s something inside of me that needs to come out. And if Garfield 3: Feline Groovy can’t tell my story. Then I’ll win my Oscar elsewhere or I’ll die trying.

-I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!

Episode 22

-California, no way, Ken. You gotta tank this promotion. Do a sloppy job and they’ll leave you alone. That’s how I got out of doing foreplay with Angie. And my taxes.

-If you’ve learned anything from me, it’s how to do a bad job. Go, honor me, save yourself. But first get me a sandwich.

-That’s my boy.

-On behalf of Griz and Fyonce, I like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn’t support the weight of Griz’ extended family.

-Now, hit it!

-Hey, this ain’t the place for-.

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