Dear Ibby, I'm very well-endowed in the penis department, which isn't actually as fun as it sounds. What can I do to make it more comfortable for the girl?

Sex

Girls don't know what they're talking about when they say they like big dicks. What they really mean is they like perfectly-sized dicks; ones that are maybe 7-9 inches long and 2-ish inches wide. Anything bigger than that can be painful, and for someone like you, that must suck. You can't get the thing all the way in there, you can't go that fast, they almost asphyxiate when they go down on you, and you pretty much can't breathe without hurting the recipient of your monster man meat. Alliteration!

But, for most people, there's a paper-thin line between pleasure and pain that you can manipulate to your advantage if you know how to handle your king-kong dick. There's a ton of things you can try to ensure that sex is as pleasurable for the ladies as it is for you.

Including, but not limited to...

Foreplay! For being someone who society presumes should naturally be great at sex, you actually have to do more work than the average gent in the foreplay department. That's because the more aroused and relaxed a lady, the easier it will be for her to take your science-experiment penis. Focusing on her during foreplay and making sure she's in the mood will do two things. First, it'll make her vagina expand and elongate, a handy feature of vaginas when they're DTF. Second, it'll get her super wet, and the wetter she is, the more she'll think she's having sex with a human being, not a human penis sent from deep space to destroy.

Lube! Remember five seconds ago when I was talking about lubrication? Well, if you suck at foreplay or you couldn't find a clit if it was FedEx next-day-delivered to your front door with your name on it, then there's always lube goop. Make sure you get some in both on and in her pussy, and throw a little on your dick too for good measure.

Go slow! Give your girl some time to adapt to the modified baby's arm that's attached to your torso. When you put it in, go as slow as she needs to, and continue this nice-and-easy trend until her face un-scrunches and she stops going "Do you have dick implants?" Once it starts feeling good for her and her vagina stretches out a little, you can go a little faster, but make sure she's comfortable.

Leave her cervix alone! It's great that your dick is six feet long and all, but when you shove it all the way up against her cervix, it hurts like bitch. If you want to go deep, fine, whatever, but once you feel yourself pounding the top of her vagina, back up that shit up like an inch.

Girl on top! The best position for guys with big dicks is definitely cowgirl because the lucky lady can control the rate, depth and speed of penetration in a way that's comfortable and pleasurable for them. Good news for you, because you just spent like 45 minutes eating her out and you deserve a break.

Do it again and watch miracles happen! The last thing to consider is the size of her pussy. I say this almost every time I write this column because it's so important; girls have all sorts of different vagina sizes. One chick might have a microvag (making up words is fun), and your cock might skewer her and ruin her week. The next chick might be as well-endowed as you are, and can take your dick like it's nothing. But the good news is that vaginas are really smart. Thanks to their superhero-like elastic ability, they'll conform to the penis they're fucking. They actually remember the person or thing that fucked them most recently, and make slight alterations to their size and shape to accommodate that same member again. So the best thing for you would to be to consider seeing the same girl, or flock of girls, on a regular basis, because the more times you fuck them, the more their pussies will get on board with your dick. But should you choose to fuck off after the first time, their Einstein vaginas will revert to their original setting.

And now, in case you're worried about all these things you suddenly have to consider, I'll leave you with this calming factoid: women who have sex with well-endowed men report more frequent vaginal orgasms that those that don't. Vaginas kind of like to be stretched out, that's why. Did that make you stop crying? Cool, now go find a condom that's the size of a trash bag.