Proper Emergencies:



You have noticed flames emitting from the building



You have noticed water cascading out of the front door



You have noticed a baboon ransacking the pub



You have noticed a suicide bomber ordering scrumpy



Please please don't phone up and say things like:



What time do you open



What time do you close



Do you take cards



How do i get there from Kentish town



Is Alan there? Can you tell him I'm locked out.



I left my generic looking scarf / hat / knickers there a week last Tuesday, can you check if you still have them



Do you have a chess board and can you confirm that all the pieces are there before i leave the house



What beers will you have on next wednesday evening, me and my camra buddies where thinking of coming but we only drink dark beer under 4%



Can you put little reserved signs on the tables so me and my mates can turn up when we feel like it and insist that existing customers move somewhere else so we can sit down.



I'm a brewery salesman and we have some bitter called 'hole in one' its a golf/sexist innuendo themed brown beer with a wopping 20g of fuggles in every brew, do you want to buy some? We deliver on Friday evenings at 6 o'clock.