I’m not all unicorns, and sunshine, and rainbows. As much as I want to be. I am human, and the last week has humbled me a lot. But the support I have received has been more than anything I ever expected, and it brightens my mood and attitude every time someone comments or messages me. I just want to thank you for all the love. 🙂

I posted my article for a few reasons I guess. I wanted to be able to keep all my friends and family who are located all over the world up to date, I also don’t know what to do with myself and all this time on my hands and I’ve received comments and messages from others who are going through similar things, and we can relate and vent together. In a way, I did want to alert people that things can happen, even when you’re solid on moves. Even when you take every precaution.

By the way I really love hearing your stories so please share them if you’re comfortable doing so!

I have always been accepting of the fact that statistically something like this could happen to me. That’s the logical/analytical side of me. Because of those odds I have done everything I knew how to do to ‘pole safe’. I warm up my pole, I clean it, I wash my hands in hot water and pumice stone them if they’re too soft, because it makes them stickier when I use my grip. I know how and where to place my specific grips because I have determined the ‘formula’ that works for me. Most pole dancers have their ‘own way’ of getting their grip on. (My friend Abbey can use iTac on her entire body, I can only use it in certain spots. It’s stuff like that.) I am meticulous up there. I know exactly where every body part is at in every movement and moment. I don’t do something I know I am not strong enough to do. I only try new moves with a spot or others around who I feel could help. I don’t pole when I am physically, and even mentally exhausted. The ONLY thing I didn’t do and SHOULD have done was get a mat. (damn hindsight, wasn’t like I couldn’t get one…) I have always been extra careful because I didn’t want anything to happen. And it still did. No one is invincible.

I’m going to complain for a minute:

I broke down today. Sobbed. Because I am so tired, I’m sick of being tired, I’m sick of being sore, I’m sick of depending on people to help me. It makes me feel bad. I’m a very independent person. I do basically everything for myself and always have. Now I hate that my mom has to do my laundry because I can’t lift it, I hate that she has to cook for me because I can’t bend and reach and stand long enough to make food. I hate that she and my friends have to do so many things for me, that I’m completely capable of doing when I’m healthy.

I am frustrated. Because when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee I can’t just get up and run to the bathroom. I have to log roll my body to one side of my bed, reach down and grab the back side of my brace, slide it behind me into the right spot, roll back to my back, place the top half of the brace over the back side and then loop 4 different Velcro belts together to tighten the brace. Then I slide my legs off my bed slowly, use my arms to sit me up, grab my walker, and shuffle my way to the bathroom, and then I would reverse the process to go back to bed. I started sleeping in the brace.

Now because I’m wearing it so much it digs into my hips and waist, and makes me really warm, and my back super stiff, and itchy. It’s so fucking uncomfortable. And it’s more than that too…it’s things I never thought I would even think about, like trying to reach across my bed or couch or table to grab something, I’m restricted to like two feet around me. It’s hard to get my socks on, it’s a struggle to get dressed…It’s exhausting taking a shower. It’s all the little things starting ton add up.

Today has been the most emotional day I have had thus far. I think subconsciously it’s partly because I fell exactly two weeks ago today, and the time between that fall and today has been somewhat of a blur. Like it never really existed. With all the meds, visitors, doctors, and sleep, I literally didn’t realize until last night how much time has actually passed. Until today I couldn’t even keep my days straight. It feels like a time warp of some kind.

I feel…I feel like I’m not in my own body anymore. When I do have the brace off, I can see how much muscle definition and weight I have lost already, and the stiffness is horrible. And honestly, I had to deal with some girl stuff this week as well…believe me that DID NOT help the situation. And I don’t like to wear the brace over a lot of my clothes because it is really warm, and, well honestly, I’m a little self conscious of it. People stare enough when they see me with the walker. I don’t want any extra attention. Thankfully I own a ton of big sweaters and sweatshirts…and it’s winter…which means it’ll be anywhere from 50 to -50 degrees F. Yay Minnesota. *rolls eyes*

My boyfriend comes into town on Wednesday from California and that’s hard for me because I’m just not ready for him to see me like this. He’s only ever known me as an athlete, and healthy, and now I’m a little broken and it just feels weird even though he says he doesn’t care. I believe him when he says he just wants to see me, because I feel the same, but I’m still disappointed about having a fun weekend planned and now having to alter it because of something like this.

BUT!!!! I refuse to end all of this on a negative note. Even though this week, especially the last two days, have been the hardest, this week was overall amazing.

The amazing things that happened:

My pole idol and I got to have a conversation, and she shared my blog on her page. So I love Bendy Kate. If you don’t know her. I would like you too. She’s an amazing aerialist, just search her name in YouTube and wait to be amazed. When I started this pole journey in Februrary of 2014, I did some research before my first class and this is the very first video I saw. 2014 World Pole Champion you can go ahead and watch it now then come back to me……………… YEAH. I never knew that’s the type of things you could do with this! I was instantly intrigued and started following her and learning things about pole. I was lucky enough to meet her in Vegas at the 2014 Pole Expo and she was the sweetest person ever. I will never forget that experience.

Well she ended up commenting on one of my posts thanks to a friend of mine sending her a message. We ended up having a really great personal conversation. That in itself was amazing. I mean, it’s bewildering getting to meet your pole idol in the first place, then to actually have a conversation with them. And she was so sweet, and gave me such great advice. She completely lifted my spirits. Then she read my blog, and she shared it on her page. with the kindest intro ever. The things she told me have made me stronger even though today was hard. I remember what she said I will just keep pushing through.

2.) Because of Miss Bendy posting my article on her page I got an email from a Physiotherapist who deals with aerialists who suffer injuries. He was able to give me some additional information and advice on the things I can do to improve how I’ve been feeling and what I’m going through. It really really helped. He told me about how this is just like a prison sentence. And the first 4-6 weeks are the hardest. Which I will totally agree with. But it was awesome to find someone like that so randomly who was able to give some helpful advice and made me feel better.

3) I do have all these fun gadgets to use. I have a thingy-ma-bob that I can put my sock onto, and then I put my foot into that and I lift it up without bending over, and my sock slides up my leg. I have a grabber thing! So I can reach some things that are further than my tiny arm span will allow. I have a pretty sweet silver walker. And awesome blue wheelchair, and a cane that can come apart and be packed into a purse. I found I can also do fun things with my brace. And thanks to phone apps I can draw on my brace and make cool designs.

4) I walked around target for an hour and 21 minutes on Wednesday the 9th, and I walked a round the mall today for about an hour. It does feel nice to walk. It feels like one thing I can actually do that makes my back feel better.

5) Two of my great friends came over and cooked dinner for me the other evening which I thought was just way to sweet.

6) My work has been amazing. Allowing me to work as I can right now remotely, and letting me recover enough before I get back to work. The owner and workers are incredibly caring people and it makes me feel zero stress when it comes to the financial aspect of things. Which helps a lot actually.

7) By far the best thing from this week is just hearing from all of you and feeling the support from everyone. This week was a rough one, but I had a lot of comments that touched me and made me turn my attitude around in an instant. One for instance was a comment from a ready named Stacey who said “The mark of a true athlete isn’t when they’re at their best, but how they come back from the injuries and low points.” I loved that. Like I said, it was a really rough couple of days. But I am choosing to look at this entire thing like a challenge. And that is a positive thing because the things that challenge you make you so much stronger. It will be hard and infuriating every single day. But it’s not going to last forever. The prison sentence will not last forever. I’m going to have to take it just day by day. And i’m pretty sure I can do that 🙂

—–“I have never seen a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”—