Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump made breaking news this morning when he conducted his first press conference in over a year and a half in which he claimed that he was “officially out of ideas” as President, and that he was surprised because he “honestly thought” he’d have been impeached long before now.

“Look,” explained Mr. Trump in the beginning of a long, uninterrupted rant, “I honestly thought this will all be over already. I didn’t expect to be elected. I didn’t want to win. I just wanted to get my name out there? You know? I honestly didn’t want Republicans to elect me. I’m, like, the worst person ever to run. Even I know that. I obviously just want to be rich. Isn’t it obvious I don’t want to be president? I go to Mar-a-Lago or a Trump golf course like every three days. Me, president? The Democrats really shouldn’t have lost the last election. All the pundits said I had no chance, and they were obviously wrong. Although, I’ll tell you what they’re right about: I, Donald Trump, the Trump Man, should not be President. This job sucks. Did you know the White House has a mouse problem? They have mice and ants everywhere. A lot of people don’t know this, but the White House is, like, really old. The British burned it in the War of 1812. Think about that, folks, 200 years old. That’s why the White House is a dump. Why do you think I golf every chance I get? You gotta understand, I lived in Trump Tower for decades. The most beautiful home, probably, in the United States—gold everywhere. In the kitchen, the bathroom, certainly the bed rooms. There’s no mice in Trump Tower, that I can tell you. I don’t think mice can even live so high up in the sky. I live really high up. I’m like the highest living president in our history. No president before me has ever lived as high as I live. So, take that as you will.”

The conversation then stuck on all the furniture pieces in Trump Tower that are made with gold for 45 minutes.

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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