As August began I said goodbye to Anthony Scaramucci. The Mooch proved once again that I hire only the best people, by being the greatest ten-day White House communications director in history.

My new chief of staff John Kelly told me the Mooch had to go. “Ok, John,” I said, “But can you do it? Firing people just isn’t my thing.”

I called the Mooch afterwards and asked him how he was doing.

“How do you think I’m doing?” He responded. “In the past week I’ve been betrayed and abandoned, shattered and heartbroken by my one and only true love. And then on top of that my wife left me.”

“Well let me ask you this, Mooch. Did you have fun at least?”

“Does Steve Bannon suck his own cock? But I want to ask you something, Donald: Why did you do it?”

“I just can’t accept vulgarity, Mooch, you know that,” I said. “Now go out there and grab some pussy for the Donald.”

“It was that Ryan Lizza interview, wasn’t it?” Mooch said. “That guy is like my Linda Tripp. And I feel just like Monica Lewinsky.”

“Come on Mooch, that’s ridiculous,” I said, trying to cheer him up. “You are nothing like Monica Lewinsky. For one thing, you sucked way more presidential cock than she did.”

Not long after firing the Mooch, I left the White House for my New Jersey golf club, where I spent part of August, while the White House was being renovated. During my stay in New Jersey I saw someone on fake news CNN say I was on a 17-day vacation, making it seem like I was spending my time watching TV and playing golf. This made me so angry that I yelled at the screen, “I’m working hard, not watching TV!”

While in New Jersey I also delivered a terrific statement about North Korea, promising that they would be met with fire and fury if they continued making threats of nuclear attacks. My attorney general Jeff Sessions told me he agreed with my statement and added, “They need to know they cannot threaten Guam or any other US territory or ally, though of course it’s totally cool if they bomb a different island in the Pacific.”

Unfortunately my vacation — I mean, hard work — in New Jersey was interrupted when the alt-left tried to take down a statue of the late, great Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville. This resulted in many sides doing bad things there, and I put out a strong, beautiful statement that condemned the horrible things done by all sides.

At a press conference afterwards, I pointed out that there were bad people on both sides. Of course, there are also good people on both sides — even among the anti-Nazis!

But I do believe that we should love all people, even if they have some bad elements, like the white supremacists, or are truly hateful, like Hillary Clin — no, I can’t go that far.

The real issue is that the alt-left keeps wanting to tear down beautiful statues of great Americans. Today it’s Robert E. Lee, tomorrow it will be George Washington. They will probably even want to take down statues of Frederick Douglass after he dies!

What makes me every more angry is that the media that attacked me over my beautiful comments on Charlottesville are considered part of the so-called elite, but in reality, I am much more elite than they are. I got better grades than they did and went to much better schools. In fact, as evil as they are, they are so poorly educated, I almost love them anyway!

I also live in a much better home than they do. Or at least, I did before I had to move in to the White House.

Sadly, even with the recent renovations, the White House is still a total dump, but I have gotten used to it. In fact, I feel totally at home here, like a drug fiend in New Hampshire.

After returning from New Jersey, I decided to fire Steve Bannon. He stopped by the Oval Office before he left to give me some advice. “Don’t believe anyone who says you can’t pardon yourself,” Steve said. “I can tell you from personal experience, it wouldn’t be the first thing you can do to yourself that was long thought impossible.”

Through it all, I am remaining focused on what’s truly important, which is my love of America. I love every last inch of it — from the drug-infested dens of New Hampshire, to the cesspool that is our capital, to the absolute worst, most dangerous hell hole in the world known as Chicago.

No one loves America more than Donald J. Trump. And no one has done more, no one has fought harder, to keep American strong and united.

At least, no one since Robert E. Lee.