Local media has revealed that President Xi Jinping endures a grueling work schedule, and enjoys little personal time. More troublingly, the article suggests, Xi barely eats, has not spoken to his wife in three years and his estranged daughter doesn’t even recognize photographs of him.

China Daily Show has obtained an exclusive copy of President Xi’s typical working schedule:

0600 Wake up

0630 Mood spoiled by looking outside

0715 Go for shower: No hot water

0745 Building manager explains hot water disconnected for next two weeks (no reason given) 0815 Elevator out of action. Take stairs to lobby to find Presidential Scooter missing, despite being locked and parked next to a security guard and CCTV camera

0825 Guard explains CCTV doesn’t actually work, so it’s not their responsibility

0828 Order complete purge at China Central Television (CCTV)

0916 Arrive late for breakfast meeting with Zambian dignitaries. Belatedly realize they’re actually from Zaire. Ease tensions by signing multi-million-dollar mining deal

1020 Read daily briefings on way to airport. Text mistress

1034 Mood spoiled by confidential financial briefing

1050 Awoken by wife asking if anyone’s seen diamante iPhone

1115 Waste several minutes trying to add credit to phone

1230 Arrive at departure desk to find flight grounded by smog and Burger King shut

1245 Discover chauffeur has left and phone’s turned off

1255 Decide to drop by regular restaurant for “surprise” visit

1325 Waitress brings the pork and cabbage but inexplicably forgets rice, despite being reminded twice

1345 Politely autograph table, chair, avoiding skin contact with any surface

1350 Cancel trip to “upcoming” hipster alley

1405 Elle magazine want to do feature on Asiatic strongmen but insist on having Putin on the cover. Block Elle’s website in retaliation

1435 Arrive at huge building to make long, rambling speech about the importance of Silk Road, Confucius and Trotsky. Receive thunderous applause

1515 Sit in back of limo and make long, rambling speech about the importance of Silk Road website, Pop Tarts and Donald Duck. Receive thunderous applause

1556 Sign-off next week’s purge: Chop, sign and stamp all documents

1620 Discover single character was incorrect, start again

1705 Head to nearest park. Spend hour rubbing back against tree, walking backwards, cartwheeling arms and clapping hands

1810 Mood spoiled by prolonged dispute with elderly woman

1856 Read tomorrow’s edition of the People’s Daily on way home

1915 Mood spoiled by prolonged dispute with lunch

1945 Dress for banquet at Great Hall of the People. Finally select black suit, red tie

2015 Greet Tanzanian/ Uzbekistani/ Indonesian/ Russian Minister’s delegation, make quick speech about boosting bilateral ties

2025 Open first bottle of wine

2045 Declare both countries are “ancient best friends”

2054 Ask if anyone wants private tour of Mao’s mausoleum

2114 Text mistress

2122 Black out

2230 Wake up behind desk littered with work reports

2242 Jot some random authoritarian notes in margin

2252 Stand in front of window, staring glassily at smog-obscured night sky, while confronted by Nietzschean vision of eugenic authority

2345 Fall asleep

2346 Have Chinese Dream

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