It’s that time again! Yellow ticker tape falls from the sky. Mr 15%s share a joyful midnight embrace. Peter Odemwingie and Hatem Ben Arfa materialise in club car parks. The transfer window is OPEN.

So, what news? Sadly, it’s a case of same fluff, different year. Which of the usual suspects to begin with? How about Alexis Sánchez? It seems that Manchester City move put on ice for fear of the Chilean being the new Rodney Marsh may be back on, with Gabriel Jesus facing two months out. As one South American of dubious popularity departs, another may arrive at Arsenal – they’re keen on David Luiz, currently on the receiving end of Antonio Conte’s cold shoulder.

January transfer window: club-by-club guide for the Premier League Read more

Next on the roll call is Eden Hazard, whose circumstances remain clear as mud. Some say that Real Madrid are prepping an opening bid; others think Zinedine Zidane has got cold feet, with Marco Asensio developing and a move for Harry Kane in the offing. Real are prepared to offer Gareth Bale – a player Spurs sold them for £85m – and a ton of cash in a £150m deal. Oof, those 2018 prices. Tottenham could reinvest the cash on Bordeaux hotshot Malcom, and a bumper new deal for Toby Alderweireld.

Barcelona could be about to do us all a favour by snapping up two Rumour Mill regulars at once. They are set to renew their interest, if it ever really went away, in Philippe Coutinho. Get your shirts here! The Catalan giants are not so presumptuous about Antoine Griezmann but fancy adding the Frenchman to their new-look forward line. That could be bad news for Arda Turan, Gerard Deulofeu and a host of others who will be surplus to requirements.

In addition to bad luck, marginal refereeing decisions and Manchester City’s outlay on full-backs, José Mourinho has decided to lay blame for Manchester United’s stagnation on Henrikh Mkhitaryan. He could be farmed out to Internazionale, with João Mário and the striker Mauro Icardi– one to surely unite the Old Trafford dressing room – heading the other way. Matteo Darmian might also be off to Italy – he’s caught in a painful tug-of-war between Juventus, Napoli and Roma.

Transfer window January 2018 – every deal in Europe's top five leagues Read more

Theo Walcott has been linked with a move away from Arsenal since the Mill was a young pup chasing down youth team rumours. But this month, it might finally happen,with Everton, Southampton, West Ham United and Watford forming an orderly queue. Watford are also closing in on Leicester outcast Islam Slimani, with Claude Puel busy ordering more padded waistcoats and targeting a full-back. Celta Vigo’s Jonny, Benfica’s André Almeida and Bournemouth’s Adam Smith are on his list.

Finally, a team that know how to do business. Barcelona, Arsenal, Liverpool, United and just about every other European heavyweight has had an eye on Schalke’s Leon Goretzka – but it looks as if Bayern Munich have got him – and on a free to boot. Some things never change, eh?