HARRISBURG, PA—Realizing she was running well behind schedule, local gerbil Waffles told reporters Tuesday that she had no choice but to eat her newborn babies on the go. “There’s just not enough time to devour them at home and get to my wheel by nine,” said the 2-year-old mother of three as she hurriedly gathered her pink, hairless brood and scrambled out of the nest to commute through the plastic tube. “If I had just gotten up earlier, I could have sat down and enjoyed them. Instead, I’m going to have another rushed meal, and I’ll probably have bits of my offspring all over my fur when I arrive.” At press time, Waffles still had half a pup left to devour in a pile of wood shavings for lunch.

Advertisement