Hi. I’m huddler. I have a disease; bipolar type 1. This means I cycle between depression and mania, sometimes both at the same time. I talk to a lot of people with the same problems in one chat room. I feel like I can let more stuff out anonymously than to people who know me personally. I’ve been in and out of psych wards for 12 years. The food is terrible. Just remember that.

There’s a great deal of mental suffering in my family. Seems to be hereditary. I’ve learned to deal with some of my feelings with a great deal of problems along the way. I’ve been on just about any medication you can list that I’ve tried.

A lot of people think BP or schizophrenia is having multiple personalities. This is definitely not the case, and there isn’t really a good one for it. We live like any other person, we just kind of need a hand chemically. We’re your neighbors, your friends, and even your family. Most people try to cover it up due to social stigma and the reasons I listed at the top of the paragraph.

We aren’t crazy maniacs that are going to attack you in the night. Like I said, we’re normal people. We have normal problems that have nothing to do with BP. In fact there are two types: BP1 and BP2. I have BP1, which means I go from depressed to complete mania and psychosis. BP2 has what’s called hypomania. You have energy and get a lot of stuff done, but it isn’t a healthy way to get things in place. It isn’t quite mania but there is a ton of energy to be let off. Both types involve serious depression when we cycle through our moods.

A lot of people don’t like to talk about it at all, even if it has nothing to do with them. People think we should be treated with kid gloves because we might “go off” into an episode and start trying to hurt people. This myth must be quelled without doubt. There ARE some BP sufferers who you see in psych wards who are diagnosed BP but they have a whole other set of problems staying in touch with reality and don’t represent the majority of us.

It helps to journal your thoughts at the beginning and end of each day to see how your mood has been over the last 12-24 hours. I happen to be a rapid cycler, so I go from depression to “normal” to total mania within a week. I have extra meds for that, as do most of us sufferers. Drawers and drawers of pills we’ve been taken off of, pills we forgot to take (I’m really bad on this one because I have to take some multiple times a day and forget.)

We aren’t scary. We’re just like you, we just have a few more problems. But mentally ill people I’ve met have been creative, smart, and eloquent. I’m not going to be bothered with sourcing this but I’ve read about people and know people who have a creative bent that is just amazing. Thinking differently allows for a lot of open space for creativity. I mostly see it in people’s drawings,etc. but a lot of us like to write on a very personal level and don’t want to show it to anyone. I’m willing to put myself out there, as a writer. And I hope someone can take the time to read this and maybe get a little educated.

I do have to say though that there is a lot of pain, psychologically and physically. Lots of us harm ourselves just to feel something at all than just the negative thoughts. I used to burn myself. Statistics say men are more prone to burning than women, who tend to cut. It’s not healthy but when there’s nothing left to live for during a depressive period you just have to find something to keep you going.

Some of us find the pain of a tattoo to be helpful. I got one a few months ago to cover up burn scars.

But in the end, don’t fear us. Like I said, we’re your family and your friends; people who care about you and you in return care about them. We’re not just rambling homeless out on the street. I have to say it again: we’re not “normal” but we live normal lives, hold down normal jobs, and a lot of us have a good amount of empathy for anyone suffering from mental illness.

I leave one last ‘please’ don’t just write us off as crazy and useless.

This has been hudder. Peace.