"I couldn't be happier," said Mark Ratler. "I'm probably in a job for at least the next four years."

Ratler, a veteran T.S.A. Agent at the Tampa International Airport for over 20 years, spoke out publicly to the press while "randomly" frisking a Sikh in the airport security line at 6:30am on Friday.

"Look, I may not be highly trained, but I got decades of experience and a gut you can trust. I know a terrorist when I see one," continued Ratler, while running his hands along the inseam of the uncomfortable Sikh's $300 dollar jeans. "I get a hunch here and there. I'm glad the country is putting trust in the right kinda people."

Other T.S.A Agents on Ratler's shift agreed wholeheartedly. One of his longtime colleagues, Jim Marsh said, "During the Obama years I thought for sure we'd just have to let every Tom, Dick, and Mohammad through the gates without any demands. I'm not saying searches aren't random, but, you know, we take our authority seriously in protecting the American people."

Two days after this interview, Marsh was given a fifteen cent per-hour raise for randomly searching the most flyers in one day—15, including two Indian children and a ninety year old Pakistani Florida resident named Dara.

"We didn't even need a special degree to become the foot-soldiers in the war on terror and we take the job real serious," continued Ratler. "People get a little agitated when you spend extra time on them at six in the morning, but if they look a certain way, I'll do my job. Randomly, of course. And I'll keep doing it right."

Ratler shrugged off the reporter's clarification that his evangelical Christian beliefs held many parallels with fundamentalist Islam, only saying, "Oh, c'mon, it's real different. They hate our freedom, so we have to put them through the ringer to make sure they respect what we have. You know. Randomly."

But when asked if he'd ever, in fact, been responsible for apprehending a proven terrorist, Ratler said, "Not yet. But you can never be to careful with the random checks."