TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact

Local food enthusiast, Hannah Hellier, has shown her truest colours this morning as she lays lifeless on the couch wondering why, at 29, her and her friends still insist on getting blackout drunk.

While a hungover Hannah is not unusual, the shock came after the blatant food snob (#kale) suggested that they order Domino’s pizza instead of the $30 artisan wood fire pizza she usually forces her housemates to eat.

“Guys, fuck it. If I don’t get a BBQ meat lovers in my mouth in 45 minutes I’m going to kill someone” she exclaimed to her roommates.

“And garlic bread”

“Do they still have those chocolate lava cakes? Get two of those too” Hannah groaned.

It’s understood that the last time Hannah ate any form of fast food was in 2017, when she was in a similar state and ordered 3 McDonald’s Hot Apple Pies to her door.

Since the Apple Pie Incident, Hannah vowed to not let herself get low enough for it to happen again.

But given her desperate demands for Domino’s, it’s clear she has let herself go.

According to reports from the French Quarter restaurant the girls were lunching at, it’s surprising Hannah can even stomach anything.

Witnesses say they saw Hannah doing ‘Coy Shots’, an iteration of the classic Hot Shot – only in a Coy Shot you scull a glass of rosé then swallow a whole small fish from the fish pond.

It’s also believed the restaurant is looking for Hannah’s contact details to invoice her $2500 for eating their coy fish.

If anyone has Hannah’s details, please contact Shochu in the French Quarter.

More to come.