I’m in the market for an exterior door. Wood warps over time, stuff happens, now that it’s cold and rainy I realize I need a new front door.

The doors at Home Depot come with a lifetime warranty. What does that even mean? The median duration of homeownership is only 8.7 years, and by the time the new door needs replacing, its history will be long forgotten. The warranty is a marketing gimmick — A door is not a store of value.

Craftsman tools come with an unlimited lifetime warranty. Sears stood by this warranty for 90 years, but now Sears is dead. I still have several socket sets that belonged to my father. You never actually own a Craftsman, you merely look after it for the next generation.

Just kidding, that’s a Patek Philippe ad slogan. The ad campaign does not reflect the durability of the product: Unlike a chrome-plated crescent wrench, precision timekeeping devices do wear out over time. Worse yet, Patek Philippe offers only a two-year warranty, and it’s not transferable to the next owner!

Patek Philippe does get one thing right: When something is both expensive and utterly useless, advertise it as means of wealth transfer! This helps consumers ignore the terrible resale value.

Diamonds are forever. That six-figure wristwatch is your son’s inheritance.

Which brings me to Bitcoin. Bear market got you down? Don’t worry about it. You never actually own a Bitcoin, you merely look after it for the next generation.

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