EARTH—Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to keep him in power. “Whoa, he must have some real bad dirt on the U.S. populace for them to just let him get away with so much unconscionable bullshit. You have to wonder what he knows,” said billions of world inhabitants outside of President Trump’s jurisdiction, further speculating that the only possible explanation for the continued deference of American elected officials, American media, and American citizens to an obviously corrupt and incompetent leader would be Trump’s possession of damaging information that could take down the entire country. “There’s no way a truly proud and free nation would put up with this if Trump weren’t blackmailing them with something really, really bad—something so unspeakably heinous that it would destroy their country if anyone found out. Otherwise, why wouldn’t they nail this asshole to a burning outhouse?” At press time, the world was experiencing a sinking feeling that Trump may have compromising information on them as well.

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