Dearest Mr. Bezos:

May we address you as Dearest Mr. Bezos? We would be happy to adopt any other title you might prefer. The Great and Powerful Zos has a nice ring to it.

Our mothers always taught us that it was polite to write a thank-you note upon receiving a gift, and your top secret visit to Columbus was certainly that. We here at City Hall much appreciated your discretion in arriving in your stylish stealth drone, and of course we were happy to shut down John Glenn Columbus International Airport for the duration of your visit. (As an aside, we'll see what we can do about that airport name change you suggested.)

In announcing your decision last week to back out of your HQ2 deal with New York City, your company stated, "the commitment to build a new headquarters requires positive, collaborative relationships with state and local elected officials who will be supportive over the long-term."

Here in Ohio's capital city, you would not be bogged down by obstructionist public servants with the gall to question any of your company's costly but entirely justified demands. We are positive, collaborative and supportive to a fault.

Here in Columbus, we elected officials know our place.

We were pleased to remind you that the 2017 package of incentives to lure HQ2 was unprecedented in our city. The city's offer alone was worth more than $2.6 billion and included property-tax abatements, income-tax refunds and a transportation plan. And the state had a goodie bag of its own.

Once New York City blew its chance by getting greedy, we knew we had to take our shot and sweeten the pot.

We still see the opportunity for you to build in Franklinton or near Easton Town Center, but we will leave the location up to you. Remember we showed you around the Short North? Then you will remember that we do not let something as dull as senior citizen housing stand in the way of progress, by which we often mean luxury apartments.

But we're not just another pretty portfolio. We're in it for the long haul. Last summer, for example, we rewrote the agreements with three developers to reflect the lower number of jobs actually created rather than the jobs promised. And we did so without reducing their tax savings a penny.

If Columbus sounds too good to be true to the world's richest man, Exit 6C might convince you.

City officials spent two years on plans to demolish a local freeway ramp and gift the land to OhioHealth so it could build a parking garage and driveway for its new headquarters.

In lesser hands, such an arrangement might lead to the same public outrage that helped to scuttle HQ2 in New York. Not here. Why? Because we kept the whole shebang a secret almost until the moment the bulldozers roared to life.

Dearest Mr. Bezos, we are certain that Amazon's future in Columbus could be as lustrous as the polished sheen restored to your Berluti calf leather oxfords by our mayor's gentle hands.

New York City showed you no respect when it pushed back. We will not make that mistake. You saw our statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Rest assured that yours would be three times taller, but just as muscled.

Finally, your blue suit has been dry-cleaned and is on a Columbus Police Division helicopter, inbound to Seattle. We took the liberty of tucking our business cards in the breast pocket.

As we said, here in Columbus we know our place.

tdecker@dispatch.com

@Theodore_Decker