Mormon Space Doctrine - LDS - Kolob - Salamander Society

Mormon Space Doctrine

"Spaced out" or inspired...you make the call.

Farewell to Eden: Coming to terms with Mormonism and science

by Duwayne Anderson Click image for details and reviews.

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Celestial Sex - How long to make a spirit baby

11/08/2014 - by EXON46 and others at Recovery from Mormonism

You must have "milk before meat", my Son. - ConcernedCitizen

I thought god has a body of flesh and bone. What is he having sex with to make spirit babies? Spirit women? Who are ghosts. Who are dead people. Which is necrophelia. God must have a fleshy spirit bone(r). - ddt

Well if one celestial day is 1000 years, and a celestial pregnancy is forty celestial weeks: 40 * 7 * 1000 = 280000 earthly years for one celestial pregnancy. Don't worry though, they are spirits, your belly don't need to grow. It has always amused me to ponder what exactly keeps the spirit babies in the womb, supposedly they can float right through anything physical. - brefots

Do you think the earth has a birth canal? You see Mormon doctrine tells us the earth also had a preexistence as a spiritual earth and will die and be resurrected. Where do you think all those new worlds are going to come from? Planets beget planets. The earth has parents. ourhollowearth.com/TheLivingEarth

I love this site. Basically, that's what happens if you believe what Mormon prophets have taught. Many things on that site are still believed by Mormons to this day:

"It is [the author's] hope that someday, he may have the privilege of visiting his cousins of the Ten Tribes in the North Countries of the Hollow Earth! The author's own ancestry is of Israelitish origin, of the Tribe of Ephraim, and can be traced back to the Exile of the Ten Tribes from Palestine when they were carried captive into Assyria in 721 B.C." - rt

30 minutes of cajoling, promises and lies 10 minutes to part the royal garments

1 minute foreplay

2 minutes celestial baloney pony

10 seconds "la petite mort"

3 months barfing

6 months craving, bloating, and bitching

18 hours of cursing wildly at the SOB who got you into this mess in the first place! - Senoritalamanita

Two hours of begging is NOT considered foreplay. - Chloe

How does one get a boner without blood? - popeyes

They have blood, sort of. It is celestial fluid, changed in a twinkling after you die. Celestial bodies procreating with earthly humans is documented in the Bible. The results of these unions between "angels" and "the daughters of men" were called Nephilim. Ergo and therefore, Jesus was a Nephilim.

Another interesting question would be how can a celestial body have intercourse and produce a spirit baby instead of a celestial-body? It contradicts Genesis, which states that like produces like. But then the Bible also says that all things were created physically first (like Adam) and then the spirit is breathed into the body. WHAT? BREATHED?

The temple teaches us that Michael the Archangel was the spirit body that became Adam in the Garden of Eden. Which contradicts the Bible, which says that there is no fooling around in heaven because angels have no bodies and do not marry. WHich means that the Heavenly Mother that had sex with a celestial man to produce the spirit baby that was Michael has to have been an angel instead of a celestial glorified human being. Except that Adam's spirit was "Breathed" by Heavenly Father. Therefore, spirit babies develop in the lungs of male celestial bodies instead of in uteri of females. I have no more words. - anagrammy

Spirit babies are farted out like gas. Two farts equals two babies. You guys aren't very smart. - snuckafoodberry

Do you suppose Heavenly Father might have premature ejaculation? Is he too quick on the trigger? Go off half-cocked? - serena

It's one thing to have a spirit baby one wife at a time, but think about the work that "god" has to do to impregnate all of his wives. Here's a calculation that I posted a while back: It's estimated that 106 billion of us have lived on earth to date. So how long would it take to create that many spirit children? I donÕt know but letÕs assume it took 1 million years and then see the consequences of that assumption. So, 106 billion spirit babies divided by 1 million years means 106 thousand babies per year. Assuming God shoots real bullets and not blanks 100% of the time, He would have to ejaculate 106 thousand times per year. ThatÕs one every 5 seconds! I guess that why heÕs God! And I guess that is why He is slow to answer our prayers. (As an aside, old Joe Smith is probably having a ball up there!) Furthermore, assuming each wife gets pregnant with one shot and has a spirit baby every 9 months, it would take 81,540 wives to have that many babies (Brigham is smacking his lips!). Ok, that might not be too practical, so letÕs assume it took 10 million years to create the spirit bodies for all of earthÕs inhabitants to date. That means that God had to ejaculate every 50 seconds and that there were 8,154 wives. Or, assume 100 million years: He had to ejaculate every 8.3 minutes and there were 815 wives. You get the picture. - rocketscientist

Don't forget the phrase "worlds without number". No wonder HF doesn't have enough time to answer anybody's prayers. - greenpotato

Their blood is replaced by finer stuff, whatever that stuff is supposed to be. I always wondered how a being of flesh and bone could only have a spirit baby. Why doesn't it have flesh and bone too? You'd think that a god could only give birth to another god. How can a perfect being give birth to something which is less than perfect? - Greyfort

Depends on how long it takes to get spirit wife drunk. - Outcast

Oral sex in heaven creates spiritual babies. Right after the wife talks, a spirit baby comes out of her mouth. - 48erhater

Do God and Jesus fart? They have bodies right?

09/18/2014 - by Elder Berry and others at Recovery from Mormonism

They are one in mind but two in bodies and digestive systems, yeah but verily they stinketh not. - fakemoroni

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Imagine the beatific aroma of God flatulence. The Holy Ghost would, of course, break silent but deadly wind. Jesus would pass the sacrament gas. - donbagley

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D&C 1:38 What I the Lord have farted, I have farted, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my wind shall not pass away, but shall fill all, whether by mine own asshole or by the asshole of my servants, it is the same.

Show me the gas. Have you listened to General Conference yet? - moose

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Whoever "Jesus" (either a singular male, or as a collective of "rabbis"/Jewish "wise men") was the "person" we refer to as "he" had exactly the same digestive system...and exactly the same CONTENTS in that digestive system.

As well as exactly the same amount of flatulence, which smelled exactly the same, as any other Jewish man of that part of the Middle East in that time.

And this is, of course, ditto for the ultimate products (both solid and liquid) of that part of the world's typical male digestive system.

("God," in Jewish thought, was NEVER a human being...so none of the above applies to whoever the entity known as "God" might have been at that time and in that place.)

P.S. It is a three-day "weekend" around here (today/tomorrow/Thursday), so my posting is likely to be erratic. Thursday is, in addition, a birthday here which means an annual restaurant meal of jambalaya for the birthday honoree so if it happens that I don't get back to this for awhile, now you know why. - tevai

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I think it works like this. They fart, but before the fart escapes their celstial asshole, it is transformed or quickened into its celestial glory, which means it turns into a new spirit baby to be born to TBM's. (True Believing Mormons)

Maybe that's why LDS churches smell so foul? -Jonny the Smoke

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Oh, I see. They fart intelligences.

byu.edu/index.php/Intelligences "The word "intelligences" (plural) occurs frequently in LDS literature, having reference to the period of the premortal existence of mankind. The term has received two interpretations by writers within the Church: as the literal spirit children of Heavenly Parents and as individual entities existing prior to their spirit birth. Because latter-day revelation has not clarified the meaning of the term, a more precise interpretation is not possible at present."

Intelligences are preexistent God-gas which after The Atonement now have double the production power thanks to the digestive tract of Jesus. - Elder Berry-

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I am happy to state that the resounding answer is "yes"; absolutely. The scriptures don't necessarily come out and say it, but with the enlightening and decerning power of the spirt, even the Holiest of Ghostus's, one will understand and know for himself that God and his son do indeed fart. For example:

D&C 8:2-3 - "Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and by my farts which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your nostrils. Now, behold, this is the stench of my farts; behold, this is the force by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground..I the Lord farted, and it divided the waters."

D&C 18:10, 15-16 - "Remember the worth of my farts is great in the sight of God; "And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying because of my farts, and heave, save it be one time, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my farts!

There you have it...careful reading by the power of the spirit hath confirmed. Good question OP. - Hugh

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Gas came to pass. In case you were wondering what the "It" was in Joe Smith's favorite phrase. - jerry64

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And it came to gas? - Elder Berry

FIRST "real" TOKEN OF THE MELCHIZEDEK PRIESTHOOD

Represents the gas in Jesus' bowels when he was crucified.

The sign is made by bringing the left foot in front of you with the leg in a bent shape, the left foot forming a stance; the right foot is also brought forward and the palms of the hands placed down extended on the bum one on each cheek.

The penalty was represented by drawing the bum quickly open, farting and dropping the hands to the sides. The oath is similar to the previous oaths.

The name of this token is "the Sun", meaning the Sun of Gas from which all of us came to be.

home.teleport.com/~packham/temples.htm - Elder Berry

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It's called thunder. - Mr Happy

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Reminds me of Bob Seger lyrics: And we waited on the thunder. Waited on the thunder. I awoke last night to the sound of thunder. - tevai

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"How fart off, I sat and wondered." - donbagley

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"There is a Green Hill Fart Away!" - beyondashadow

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God farts. Try's to keep it sacred not secret. - anonyyy

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I love to see the temple. I'll fart inside some day. I'll smell The Holy Spirit.

The sign of the digestive system of God is a brown line along the bottom of the garment bottom of the Holy Priesthood. - Elder Berry

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They shit, but they only shit marbles. - cludgie

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Which then become worlds for their children to rule over. Horton hears a. - Elder Berry

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They fart rainbows, of course. - rationalist01

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God does not fart or shlt. His body being perfect digests all food perfectly. If gos was to shlt, it would be a perfect turd. A perfect turd looks a lot like a Monson Pie with a nose. - themaster

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And ears that wiggled and jiggled. - Elder Berry

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God is pretty old. His prostate must be huge. - Heresy

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I'm not sure we teach that but the Journal of Discourses has quite a lot to say about this topic. - nonsequiter

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God farts a toxic cloud known as High Priest Death Gas

When I was a faithful Aaronic Priestood jerkoff, one fine Sunday I happened to walk into the High Priests Quorum classroom just as the door opened at the end of their priesthood class lesson.

I innocently walked inside, and when I drew a breath I nearly fell over from the dizzying olfactory assault of toxic, noxious, hyper-polluted, fermented, caustic gas I was inhaling.

I stopped breathing immediately and turned around and left the room as fast as possible to get to some breathable air.

Apparently the room had no ventilation and had filled up with the collective exhale and garment crack emissions of a couple dozen nearly dead old High Priest farts sporting lifetime accumulations of toxic pollutants embedded in their alveoli and impacted intestinal deposits starting 50-100 years ago.

My exmo siblings and I refer to this toxic gas as HPDG High Priest Death Gas.

Not sure if God's Pharts are HPDG, but if High Priests are anywhere next to Godliness, could be possible. - beyondashadow

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EPA levels sanctions against LDS Church for HPDG emissions

So when is the EPA (Eternal Protection Agency) going to sanction the LDS Church for exceeding their HPDG emission limits?

Just the hot air expelled during General Conference raises global warming by ten degrees but adding all that HPDG throughout the year has reached genocidal proportions. The end is sight! - cricket

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Oh, butt they will and help you smell The Spirit of God like a fire burning in their bosom. - Elder Berry

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Of course God and Jesus fart. How else will we spend the eternities sharing fart jokes? - The Invisible Green Potato

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The worst is riding with both God and Jesus in a hot car with no a/c after eating Mexican. They both snickered after locking the rear windows. Funny guys. - orange

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Yeah, but that is nothing compared to the Big Elohim giving Heavenly Mother the "dutch oven" treatment. -- Mr. Happy

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That sounds somewhat disrespectful, Mr. Happy.

Does your Mother know you posted that? Your Heavenly Mother surely does, and don't call her Shirley. - beyondashadow

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Oh My Farter - Special Hymn to Honor High Priests Everywhere

O my Farter, thou that smellest

In that putrid and poisonous place;

When shall I regain thy essence,

And again inhale thy mace?

In thy holy fermentation

Did my whiffer once inhale?

In my first primeval childhood

Was I tortured near thy tail?



For a wise and glorious purpose

Thou hast plac'd me in Mormondum,

And withheld the recollection

Of my former caustic conundrum:

Yet oft times a secret something

Whiffed that I'm in danger here;

And I smelt that I had wandered

From a more foul smelling sphere.



I had learn'd to call thee farter

Through gas clouds from on high;

But until the scent of pungency

Was restor'd, I knew not why.

In the heavens is flatulence apparent?

Yes, the sound makes reason blare;

Truth is reason-truth infernal

Tells me I nearly smothered there.

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Nearer thy gas to me, nearer to me. Let the smell of my bowels ascend to heaven, oh Lord of the gas of Kolob! - Elder Berry

Heavenly Mother - Mormon Sky Mommy

04/05/2010 - by Her children at Recovery from Mormonism

In our ward just a few months ago - by CA girl

In our ward just a few months ago when I was still attending regularly, a woman got up and talked about Heavenly Father, referenced Heavenly Mother and said "Your Heavenly Mother might not be the same as my Heavenly Mother but I know that she loves us and we are her children."

I thought the bishop was going to crawl under his chair from the look on his face. Raised questions about Heavenly Mother and God being a polygamist in one simple statement - excellent!

Mormon Sky Mommy - by Eliza R Snitch

I remember exactly two discussions about Heavenly Mother from my 20 years in Mormonism (aside from the normal talk about how my spirit was born), both of which were short and ended with an adult in charge telling us that WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT HER.

I was immensely disappointed to find that both Jesus and God were supposedly polygamists.

I do not believe in a Sky Mommy, so there's no need to disabuse me of that notion.

The hymn O My Father - by nonamekid

lyrics by Eliza R. Snow contains the following:

"In the heavens are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason, truth eternal

Tells me I've a mother there"

I wrote a song too (to the tune of "A Child's Prayer" - by wego

Heavenly mother

are you really there?

When I asked bout you

they said "don't you dare"

some say that you are

too heavenly for words

but now I finally know

that is absurd

The size of God -OR- Why I think a 'Father' God doesn't exist.

11/13/2009 - by Frontal Lobotomy from Recovery from Mormonism

It's just the matter of a magnitude relationship.

God created the universe. ergo, God is greater than the universe.

The universe is somewhere around 156,000,000,000 (1.5 x 10^11) light years across. a light year is somewhere around 9,460,730,472,580,800 meters (9.5 x 10^15) Size of universe: 1.4 x 10^27 meters.

I'm 2m tall.

Now, the smallest subatomic particle is a quark, but when you get into quantam mechanics and such, size doesn't really exist and it's more about waves and probabilites, etc. So, we'll use the proton, as it has an "accepted" size of around 10^-15 meters.

(The half-way point between smallest particle and the universe is around the size of the earth itself (6x10^6 m).

so, proton:earth::earth:universe

or another way:

Imagine that a particle existed that was a TRILLION TIMES SMALLER than a proton (ie, 10^-27 m). We'll call it the ittybittyon.

ittybittyon:me::me:universe (Remember, God > universe)

Now, I want you to go have a personal relationship with that ittybittyon.

Care for it, protect it, make sure it follows the rules, listen for it's supplications, call it by name, know it individually and seperately from all the other ittybittyons. Promise it great rewards if it follows the rules and threaten it with harsh punishment if it doesn't.

Can't control your ittybittyon? How about your protons? No? Surely you know your red-blood cells by name? They're pretty big (4x10^-5 m). And the rest of the cells. You know their names, right? There are only 50 trillion or so. Hmm, that is quite a few phonebooks worth, I suppose.

So, to me, IF (giant, 10^26 m size IF) a creater of the universe exists, our insignificance is SO FREAKIN' HUGE, it is the definition of egotistical to assume we are of any interest to him/her/it whatsoever. A mormon loving father in heaven? Let me get my straight-jacket.

atheistically yours,

FL

P.S. Of course I have almost certainly grossly under represented god's power since he concerns himself with even the smallest particles and doesn't stop at our human "quasi midpoint" level.

The god/particle relationship is 1:10^42 ie, 1:100000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Quantum Mormonics

10/26/2009 - by cricket and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Quantum Mormonics: 1. A fundamental Mormon theory of doctrine and policy that explains facts that previous prophets were unable to account for, in particular the fact that doctrine is obfuscated and press-released in small, indiscrete quantities (quanta), and that all Mormon matters display both ravelike and Article of Faithlike properties, especially when viewed at Adamic and sub-Adamic scales. Quantum Mormonics suggests that the behavior of members and investigators is inherently gullablistic and that the effect of the Morganization on the mystical system being observed must be understood as a part of that closed system. Also called quantum patriarchics and quantum theocracy.

2. Often confused with Quorum Mechanics: The political dynamics of the Quorum of the Twelve and First Presidency which leads to chaos in offical doctrine and policy because no one is actually in charge and that a certain doctrine means one thing and simultaneously another thing.

Quantum Melchezidicks - by Don Bagley

Quantum Melchezidicks form a branch of Mormonics as well as free particles known as pisons and mesons, Freemesons being the most mysterious of these. For the mesons possess a quality known as left-handedness.

How could it be that if up and down and left and right are in flux, one could identify left-handednes? Consider a vertical structure as deacom, teachom and priestom. This is a polarity with leftness and rightness (righteousness?).

None can predict that the particle of Eldron can be captured in the eldritch quorum. But there it remains, for the High Priestom is attainable only by far greater power expenditure.

A quorum, by the way, is created by synchronicity, and no other means. A quantum is a bit, which is to say a place-holding particle.

If, and this is not likely, you discover that by quantum or particle, you can influence a quorum, you will find a breakaway theory, and you will be given power and authority to claim young, unwed girls as your own. At this point, you become prophet.

Mormon Theolicy - by Shamdango

Mormon Theolicy: 1) The science of LDS doctrine and policy and their interactions. 2) The theological properties, phenomena, and laws of LDS doctrine and policy; "He studied the theolicy of Mormonism." 3) The study and commentary on the existence and attributes of Mormon theology, and of how that theology behaves and defines itself: as doctrine (definitive LDS theology), or policy (definitive LDS WTF's). See also 'when God speaks as a man.'

Mormon Theolicist: A General Authority trained in LDS theolicy. Persons able to make authoritative statements and rescind them arbitrarily in matters of official LDS theolicy. (Not to be confused with wannabe theolicists; see 'Mormon apologicians')

Mormon Apologicians: 1) Wannabe LDS theolicists. Persons who can make no official statements regarding LDS theolicy, but try to convince others that they can. 2) Persons whose explanation of Mormon theolicy seems to magically fix legitimate doubts of those unfamiliar with LDS theolicy; "That apologician made my doubts about Mormonism disappear!" 3) Persons trained in deceiving an audience into thinking that their magic really works, despite factual evidence to the contrary; "An Mormon Apologician explained to me how a peepstone can be placed into a hat, and a Book of Mormon can magically be pulled out of that same hat. Amazing!"

Quantum Mormonics: 1) explains the behavior of LDS doctrine and policy on the minute scale of subatomic theolicy. The study reveals how doctrine can have policy-like properties and policy can have doctrine-like properties. 2) The theory that LDS doctrine does not have a continuous range of authority, but is, instead, absorbed or radiated discontinuously, in multiples of definite, indivisible units called policy. See also 'soymilk before hamburger.'

Quantum theolicy:

-Introduced by Hinckley (1997) as an improvement upon classical Brighonian Mormonics. An important principle is that some older subatomic theolicies assume an authoritative value of "I don't know that we teach it. I don't know that we emphasize it. . . I don't know a lot about it and I don't know that others know a lot about it."

What about Packer's uncertainty principle - by rt

Which holds that it is impossible to determine a member's behaviour and beliefs simultaneously, which requires the conductor of any quantum mormonics experiment to focus on one or the other (usually behaviour, as this is more easy to control)?

Not to be confused with The Principle, which holds that one man can simultaneously have multiple wives, either in this reality (in case of divorce from, or death of one or more female antibodies) or in a parallel reality (reached through kolob condensation).

Even more important is the Packer Exclusion Principle - by D.P. Gumby

Which states that information which is true cannot exist in the same time and place as information which is useful in defending Mormonism.

The "Unified Field Theory" of this stuff - by SL Cabbie

We want to call it "Quantified Quorum Mormonmoronics."

It's a little slow because he's engaged Professor Irwin Corey as a consultant, and the old guy takes a lot of naps at his age . . .

Some initial parameters from the field (the mission field that is): As the length of time away from home increases, the probabilty that a missionary will masturbate increases hyperbolically while the chance that he will confess remains constant . . .

Also, as the length of mission experience grows, the probability that the letter-writing girl next door will marry someone else increases in direct proportion

Professor Corey just called with some "Law of Relativity" synthesis.

The probability of a "quall to the Quorum" increases quantumly and quantitatively the quoser the relationship to Quorum of the Ruling 12 . . .

The Mormons are even using DNA research on this one . . .

And the unified field implications on this are supported by research that shows consistent DNA overlaps between MP's and Q12 derivatives . . .

QUACK!!

Quorum Leap - by Elder Berry Quorum Leap - When the median age shifts much in The Quorum of The Twelve nt

Quorum Elderdynamics - (QED) - is the relativistic quorum field theory of elderdynamics. QED was developed by a number of Mormon religionists, beginning in the late 1820s. It basically describes how Mormons and their leaders interact. More specifically it deals with the interactions between leading elders, lesser elder positions and Mormon peons. QED mathematically describes all phenomena involving spiritually charged Mormon peoples interacting by means of exchange of The Priesthood Keys.

Inferior Subset - by Don Bagley

Of course you understand that quorom elderdynamics are an inferior subset of high priestcraft quantams, and as such, remain in the remainder.

According to the uncertainty principle (not the many wives principle), the elder is fifty percent alive and fifty percent saved. Salvation is asssured only for the high priestcraft quantam.

In the solemn subatomic assembly, all are salvationized, as it were.

You have forgotten The Second Anotation Vector or The Kolobmological Constant - by Elder Berry

It makes salvation assured no matter the uncertainty of The Principle (Celestial Marriage.) This means that more than just the high priestcraft quantam can know that they are saved.

Pair Production - by Bob T

Pair production refers to the creation of an eldermentary missionary and its antimissionary (or another neutral bozon) from an MTC interaction. This is allowed, provided there is enough worthiness available to create the pair – at least the total rest mass energy of the two particles – and that the situation allows both energy and momentum to be conserved. All other conserved quantum numbers (angular momentum, electric charge) of the produced particles must sum to zero — thus the created particles shall have opposite values of each (for instance, if one particle has strangeness +1 then another one must have strangeness -1).

Indeterminacy - by Holy the Ghost

If you can clearly define a doctrine, then you can't know it's truthfulness.

If you can know it's truthfulness, then it can't be clearly defined.

If God has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man's, what color are God's feces?

01/19/2009 - by Blashoodaloom

This is a reasonable question. If a being has a gastrointestinal tract with a mouth and anus, God must eat some kind of food, with the post-processing material being expelled eventually thru his heavenly anus. What color is are God's feces? Where are Bruce R. McKonkie and Huge Nibley when you need them?

Resurected bodies don't need food. - Deconstructor

As one of my LDS Institute teachers explained, resurrected bodies do not need food.

I believe it was the Prophet Joseph F. Smith that explained this doctrine. He taught that in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve had perfect blood in their bodies. This perfect blood provided all the nutrients their bodies needed, so they did not need to eat. When they ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, they corrupted their blood which made their bodies need food.

When we are resurrected, we will have bodies like God again, which are perfectly fit, do not have navels or need food.

If they are shaped like us - Thinking Aloud

I mean, you are well versed in LDS doctrine/theology, but, if you think about it, heavenly, resurrected bodies still look like ours. What inside of them then?

If they are shaped like us, there's a brain in the head, lungs in the chest, organs in the torso, muscles in the legs, a tushie for sitting on.

What good is any of that if you have no need to work or eat or provide for yourself?

Does it make any sense, in other words, for a "perfect" immortal body to look anything like a practical, temporal one? Why fashion it after one either if a person is going to be immortal much longer than they were ever mortal?

I just was wondering what you thought of that. It just makes no sense to me.

Here is a list with more things like this - Deconstructor

Somehow the silly conjectures of an LDS Institute teacher and 18th-century Mormon Prophet satisfy the true-believing mind.

The concept of a resurrected body and how it works and what it eats doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you really start to think about it.

I can only tell you what I heard over the year in the church. There is little written on the subject and church members wont stand by any of it as "doctrine" despite much of it coming from the church's ordained, inspired priesthood leaders as gospel teaching.

I was always taught that resurrected bodies did not eat. Celestialized bodies were better than resurrected bodies in that they could procreate (have sex). The non-celestial resurrected bodies would not have genitals, but would last forever without the need for food.

Again, there is little on this in official church publications. The prophet who said the most on this was Joseph Fielding Smith, who wrote several doctrinal books trying to make sense in literal terms, the teachings of the church.

The only other thing I can add is that top church leaders taught that resurrection was actually a priesthood ordinance. Right now, only Jesus has the keys to this power, so it cannot be performed by anyone in the church today. But when Christ comes back, he will bestow the keys of resurrection to the priesthood on earth, so worthy men will be able to resurrect their own families from the grave. I knew more than one Institute teacher who had heard this from apostles and believed it.

I would love to have references on these deeper (and bizarre) teachings. Here's a list of ones I have found and some I'm still looking for:

www.i4m.com/think/lists/mormon_science.htm

So are spirits and gods bloodless? - Otremer

Resurrected bodies do not have blood but instead rely on the spirit to stay alive. The Prophet Joseph Fielding Smith taught: "Our Father in heaven and our Savior and all those who have passed through the resurrection have physical bodies of flesh and bones, but their bodies are quickened by spirit and not by blood, hence they are spiritual bodies and not blood bodies. The immortal body is quickened by spirit, but the mortal body is quickened by blood... . Now when Adam was in the Garden of Eden, he was not subject to death. There was no blood in his body and he could have remained there forever. This is true of all other creations." (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 1, pp. 76-77).

If spirits, the resurrected and gods are bloodless, how do they maintain erections with which to produce spirit children? Are spirit bodies naturally erect all the time?

Obviously resurrected goddesses can get pregnant without blood in themselves or their gods, so did Adam and Eve procreate before being given blood bodies?

Same story but one small change. - Shamdango

A GA and I once discussed this very Mormon/unimportant but fascinating principle. It went similar to how Deconstructor tells it, with one small change.

According to the GA, resurrected bodies can and do eat food. It was the TYPE of food that helped usher in the fall.

Because Adam and Eve were accustomed to eating CELESTIAL food, the introduction of MORTAL food into their picture-perfect digestive tracts sealed the deal. Once the MORTAL food was digested by their bodies, it began the slow and annoying process that leads to aging and death.

While I was a TBM, I thought it interesting that according to the science of the times, experts weren't exactly sure why we age and die when, technically, we shouldn't - according to the experts who knew.

(Any experts know?)

The GA is dead now and the current manuals are still very silent about the whole thing. It was part of a fascinating conversation in what seems to be a completely different life and time for me.

The angels eat manna. Manna is white. - anon

Therefore, angel poo is white. If God eats manna too, then there's your answer.

Good answer! - Blashoodaloom

So what do they do with all the white angel poo?

And if resurrected bodies have no belly buttons, do they have assholes? What if some of the Gods are gay? Would they have assholes in that case?

There's more to this question - Sally

So God has a mouth and cannot take part in the simple pleasure of eating a delicious meal? HOWEVER, aren't we going to be procreating with that same incorruptible, Garden of Eden body? So the women are going to be popping out babies for eternity without benefit of bodily fluids? And they will be getting pregnant by sex without sperm? Or won't they have to do the nasty? Will your eternal spouse get you pregnant by just thinking about you? I'd be pretty ticked about that one! ! God sounds like a guy who knows how to take the joy out of just about everything. And for eternity no less......

Jesus ate bread after Ressurection. - ForgotMyNewName

I like the idea of white angel poop though lol.

Adam and Eve ate - AxelDC

Adam and Eve ate before they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden. They could eat from any fruit of any tree but the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil. We don't know how long they lived there, but we do know they lived there long enough that eating was pretty common.

According to Mormonism, they were immortal before being cast out, because once they ate of the Forbidden Fruit, then they would surely die. Therefore, with all that fruit being eaten, they must have had a pretty fiber-rich diet. They had to expel it somewhere and somehow.

Posing the possibility that God could be gay affirms gayness. - Blashoodaloom

Those with some measure of spiritual education contemplate that man's imagination of an anthropomorphic (human-like) deity originates with a lower consciousness perspective of reality - much like children believing in Santa Claus who rewards "good" kids and delivers coal lumps to "bad" kids. The idea that God has gender and copulates to create new mini-me-gods is just as infantile. That God has a sexual preference falls into the same kindergarten spiritual education promulgated by the only troo church. Humans of normal capabilities don't come close to even having the capacity to begin to start to understand who and/or what God is. Those who claim to know something about God are almost always buffoons unwittingly embarrassing themselves by exposing their gross ignorance. Having said that, there are a few individuals of advanced consciousness on Planet Earth who do indeed know something about spiritual realities, including what God is. (Hint: I doubt that any of these advanced spiritual teachers live in Utah.)

White angel poo is extremely useful as... - Nonnie

packing peanuts! A friend of mine refers to those white, flyaway, static-y nuisances as "angel shit."

Now that is terminology I can get behind! - flattopSF

Surely Elohim does not wipe his own butt. I wonder who does that? - mootman

LDS Apostle Mark E Peterson maybe can help? - Zeezrom

I personally do not agree with LDS Apostle Mark E Peterson, but I do wonder why he thought Blacks were going to be servants of the WHITE Mormon Gods like himself in the Mormon CK.

Race Problems--As They Affect The Church

LDS Apostle Mark E. Petersen, address given at the Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, delivered at Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah, August 27, 1954.

“IN SPITE OF ALL HE DID IN THE PRE-EXISTENT LIFE, the Lord is willing, if the Negro accepts the gospel with real, sincere faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessings of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there AS A SERVANT, but he will get celestial glory.”

One wonders what he thought servants were going to be needed for.

Just what the F did these MORMON GODMEN in the making think? Polygamous wives, Singles to be servants to them, Blacks to be servants to them.Its ridiculous beyond belief.

If God was a Scientologist, it would be CLEAR! - Skunk Puppet

Color Coded - Gay Philosopher

After researching the literature I've found the answer to your question:

1. Most often, dark brown; and

2. Moss green after drinking Gatorade.

And people don't think that philosophers are good for anything. Heh!

Other poo colors when you eat - Blashoodaloom

3. Red when you eat a few beets.

4. Black if your stomach, intestines or colon are bleeding, or if you are Catholic and believe that the communion wine literally transforms into the actual blood of Jesus, then your stool will be black. Blood produces black stool unless you have hemorrhoids and the blood does not get digested before exiting the system, in which case red is the color.

See what happens when charlatans preach revelations about stuff they know nothing about?

Joseph Smith specialized in making up crazy stories he was fairly confident nobody could particularly disprove. He did it over and over. He was not smart enough to cover his tracks at times, as evidenced by the nine different versions of the First Vision that were carelessly left lying around. Announcing to others that God and Jesus appeared to him and describing what they look like is a fairly safe bet as undisprovable tall tales go, since Joseph knew that God and Jesus had most likely never appeared to anyone anywhere anytime, so who could refute his story? If you think about it, Joseph's main goal was to "smith" as many women as he could. (My family has adopted the word "smith" to mean "have sexual intercourse with". "Smithed" means "f*cked" and "smithed up" means "f*cked up". "Smithbar" means smithed up beyond all recognition. I digress. Sorry.) Joseph's vision of heaven had him smithing praiseworthy women of good report without number, and you need a physical body to do that. He needed for his God to be an extension of his own hopes and dreams of eternal promiscuity.

Where are McKonkie and Nibley when you need them? - Irene

Add Monson and Packer, too. I mean, they're all made of shit, so they ought to be experts on the subject of shit.

I'm gunna get "Smith-ed" for this one.

Kolob vs Uranus - fragrance of heavenly methane - cricket

I know beyond a shado of a doubt that celestial flatulance will smell of rose petals.

Also wondering if Elohim or Eloher ever suffer constipation and if so what is their remedy?

White and delightsome. - Primus

Why other planets in our solar system?

01/19/2009 -3DGuy

If god and jebus fly around the cosmos making planets for us to live on, why make so many others right here in our system that can't be used? Seems like I remember something about, "we shall go down for there is matter unorganized" or something like that.

Ok, sometime go out near a mountain range and just take a few minutes to understand the scope of what it would take to create the area that you can see. Now, think about the state you are in, the country, the continent, etc...

Now imagine foreman jebus telling the crew when they finally finished the planet, "great work all, now let's get to work on Jupiter."

So why all the other planets?

We talk about how men create God in their own image - Heresy

Giving Him their own prejudices, likes and dislikes, and prioritizing the doctrine according to the issues of their time. Then they are left defending that centuries later.

JS created a religious book given the known history of the Americas in his day - and now Mormons are stuck looking for non existent artifacts.

Men also create Gods that are mired in the science of the day. Unfortunately, science marches on and then their religion is left behind with some sticky problems.

Here is an excerpt from a great post by DrW on Post Mormon. He explains why Mormons have a worse science problem than other religions:

Five Mormon beliefs:

· According to Mormon belief, Kolob is either the planet on which God lives, or the star nearest to the planet Oliblish on which God lives. (If you can figure out for sure which is correct, please let me know.)

· God the Father is a glorified being of flesh and blood. "Thus, I, Abraham talked with the Lord, face to face, as one man talketh with another; and he told me of the works which his hands had made" (Abr. 3:11)

· God works only through natural laws: --- whatever it may be that is done by the power of God is in accordance with natural law. " J.F. Smith

· All spirit is matter. "All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes; We cannot see it; but when our bodies are purified we shall see that it is all matter"(D&C 131:78).

· For Joseph [Smith] that which has no physical existence has no existence at all. (WJS, 60).

One astronomical fact:

· The closest star to our solar system is at 4.2 light years away. No star, including Kolob, is closer.

One natural law:

· Neither matter nor information can travel faster than the speed of light.

The logically fatal problem with "Kolob Cosmology":

* - If God accomplishes his work in accordance with natural law, as the Mormon prophets assure us that he does, then his speed of travel is limited to the speed of light. Nothing moves faster than the speed of light, not even information.

* - Kolob must be at least 4.2 light years away from earth. Therefore, a round trip from Kolob to Earth and back would require at least 8.4 years.

* - Prayers are comprised of information (we tell God our problems and wait for answers). Information cannot travel faster than light. Therefore, the process of sending, receiving, and answering prayers from Earth to Kolob and back is, you guessed it, 8.4 years. Anyone on Earth who thinks that they receive answers to prayers from God on Kolob in less than 8.4 years is certainly mistaken.

* - There was not enough time for the Angel Moroni to return to Kolob between his various visitations with Joseph Smith between 1823 and 1829. (Perhaps Moroni just hung out here on Earth and waited for Joseph to finish with the plates. If so, the fact that Joseph Smith just covered his face with his hat and didn't even look at the plates while translating them was no doubt was disturbing to Moroni.)

* - God the Father and Jesus Christ would have had to leave Kolob sometime in late 1815 (Earth time) in order to appear to Joseph Smith in 1820.