Sorry girls, we men just don't find your Silicon Valleys sexy

Buxom Bux: Danielle Lineker out on the town earlier this week

Big breasts, small breasts, no breasts, droopy breasts and va-va-voom domes of perfection. Yes, I’ve known and loved them all. But there’s one type of figure I just can’t fathom: boob-job breasts.

You know the ones. Those big, obese, ­gravity-defying, rock-hard monstrosities that seem to be everywhere these days.

They are proudly displayed by a group I call ‘the Boob-Job Boobies’: the A-list celebrities and C-list nobodies who are forever out on the town with their big bosoms popping out over little black dresses.

And the sadness is that even ordinary women are taking the leap from B to double D in the belief that big is somehow beautiful.

I meet them at parties all the time. You try to have an interesting conversation with a Boob-Job Booby, but your eyes keep wandering to her cleavage and your mind wanders to the inevitable thought: are they real?

That’s not a question anyone who saw ­pictures of Danielle Bux — better known these days as Mrs Gary Lineker — in yesterday’s Mail would have asked.

Squeezed into a ­Vivienne Westwood dress during a night out with her husband and his son, George, ­Danielle — who had her bust boosted after the birth of her daughter, Ella, seven years ago — had not so much a cleavage as a canyon on display.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for a nice dècolletage, as they used to call it. It can be enticing and exciting to behold — but not when you have two huge space-hoppers bolted on and begging for attention.

It must be rather embarrassing for Gary’s teenage sons (he has four of them) and Danielle’s daughter to have a mum and stepmum who is being quite so, er, up front about her assets.

Attractive though she is, I suggest Mrs Lineker should really choose a different dress, for the overall effect of the very expensive Westwood frock is actually rather cheap.

A woman with real class would never have a boob job. For here’s the most remarkable thing that no surgeon who takes your money will ever tell you: those big inflatables just aren’t sexy.

Indeed, quite the opposite: a boob job makes an attractive woman seem less attractive — it’s the breast equivalent of the trout pout.

Can anyone say Victoria Beckham, Christina Aguilera or Dannii Minogue looked ­better after their breasts were surgically enlarged? For no matter how much you pay or how good the surgeon is, science can’t give you what nature doles out. If they look peculiar from afar, it’s only when you’re close up and personal with the boob job that you see (and feel) what’s wrong.



I have encountered artificial breasts only once — and believe me, that was enough.



‘Sophie’ worked in publishing and was very beautiful and very brainy. But, as I discovered when we became intimate, she was also a faker.

‘Don’t you like them?’ she asked.

‘Of course I do,’ I lied, not wishing to hurt her feelings.

In fact, they were about as erotic as a plastic chair.

If only women realised what a waste of time and money such operations are. Have we men made you so insecure that you think the quickest way to our hearts is through a big chest?

The truth is that most men are happier with the real thing — no matter what a woman’s natural size.

Spicy: Victoria Beckham Scary look: Melanie Brown Take the plunge: Amy Winehouse Busting out all over: Katie Price

X factor? Dannii Minogue Full-frontal: Alicia Douvall Up her street: Kym Marsh Basic mistake: Sharon Stone

Extreme: Sharon Osbourne Gimme more: Demi Moore Beautiful? Christina Aguilera Fully loaded: Lindsay Lohan



