From an anonymous female

My daughter (aged over 40) has been with her husband for more than 15 years. He is a heavy drinker and while drunk often beats her up. She has fled to my home on several occasions but always returns to him.

Lately he has lost his job and his drinking is now daily, with my daughter suffering frequent beatings in front of the three children. He's always insisted she shouldn't work and now he has no income either so I find myself sending them money and food regularly.

Carole, when I suggest she should leave him, she just laughs. What's up with that?



Carole replies:

For your daughter simply to pack and go seems, on the surface, like the obvious choice, but what has he threatened to do to her if she attempts this? If she leaves will she have to change the children's schools, and where will she go? Back to her mum?

It has been theorised that some women who live with domestic violence do so because they learned how to when they themselves were growing up.1 If so, this would mean that your three grandchildren are, at this very moment, adapting to abnormal patterns of attachment that could well give them pain throughout their lives. Other research has suggested that while battered mothers can provide the maternal warmth their children need, they are unable to supply maternal authority due to low self-esteem.2

According to some surveys, approximately a quarter of all heterosexual women experience physical or sexual abuse, or both, by an intimate partner at some time during their lives.3 This damage radiates outwards from the victim, scarring her children and others emotionally close to her.4

Women habituated to battery are frequently unable to step back and take stock of the bigger picture. The trauma impacts upon cognition and they tend to employ short-term coping strategies, such as fleeing when violence erupts, only to return during a hiatus when things are quiet and he has said sorry.5

Frequently men who batter their partners justify the violence by saying she provoked them and should have realised they would become angry or jealous. Jealousy of the perpetrator is a universally cited reason given by victims for why their male partner battered them. Incidentally, male jealousy is theorised to have evolved as a way to dominate females and assure paternity.6

Victims are often blamed and frequently blame themselves. They may feel guilt or shame. In addition, a woman's uncertainty over finances or inability to manage the situation will result in anxiety and feelings of helplessness.

Unfortunately, if a victim empathises with her abuser's psychological weaknesses she may forgive and even pity him. Women like this need external intervention to help them to objectify their relationship and see it for what it is, so they can start to prioritise their own needs without feeling guilt or pity.7

You say your son-in-law has just lost his job and he has always forbidden your daughter from working. The tighter money becomes the more your daughter will be punished.8,9 He sounds like a socially inflexible, jealous, controlling man, who suffers low self-esteem, has intentionally isolated your daughter and stamps on her to raise his own status. His uncontrollable anger is never far from the surface and soon your grandchildren will not just be witnesses, they will become physical victims of battery too.

What can you do to put a stop to this? There is no single, universally effective strategy for ending abuse.10 You want to help your daughter, but you also feel frustrated by her. Don't tell her she has brought this on herself and that you tried to warn her but she wouldn't listen to you. She needs help to self-assess so try not to judge her.

The money and food parcels that you send are only perpetuating the problem. You've got to get her professional help. I would suggest you go with your daughter to her GP and ask for a referral to the local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) department. Insist that your daughter and grandchildren are assessed by a clinical psychologist/psychiatrist with expertise in this domain. An application for sheltered accommodation and re-housing may be justified. The multidisciplinary staff found at a CAMHS department can help negotiate this and also offer other therapies.

Change will, in the short term, cause stress, but eventually if your daughter and her children stick together and make a break from this man they will not remain as victims of violence. Instead, over time and with help, the children will develop into the people they should have been had they lived in a stable and harmonious environment from birth.

Once re-settled your daughter should get a part-time job, or volunteer at her children's school, or re-train, so long as the hours suit her children's needs.11 This will help raise her self-esteem and stop her from remaining isolated at home.

It's not too late for any of these changes to be successfully implemented, but the time is now.

You can contact the excellent charity Women's Aid for further advice.

References

(1) Levendosky, AA, Graham-Bermann, SA (2001) Parenting in battered women: the effects of domestic violence on women and their children. Journal of Family Violence; 16 (2): 171-192.

(2) Levendosky, AA, Graham-Bermann, SA (2000) Behavioral observations of parenting in battered women. Journal of Family Psychology; 14(1): 80-94.

(3) Tjaden, P, Thoennes, N (2000) Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey. National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

(4) Riger, S, Raja, S, Camacho, J (2002) The radiating impact of intimate partner violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence; 17(2): 184–205.

(5) Heron, RL, et al (1997) Culturally competent interventions for abused and suicidal African American women. Psychotherapy; 34: 410–423.

(6) Buss, D (2000) The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love or Sex. Bloomsbury.

(7) Wolf, ME, Ly, U, et al. (2003) Barriers to seeking police help for intimate partner violence. Journal of Family Violence; 18: 121–129.

(8) Wuest, J, and Merritt-Gray, M (1999) Not going back: Sustaining the separation in the process of leaving abusive relationships. Violence Against Women; 5: 110–133.

(9) Aldarondo, E, Kantor, GK (1997) Social predictions of wife assault cessation. In: Kantor GK, Jasinski JL, editors. Out of the Darkness: Contemporary Research Perspectives on Family Violence. Sage; pp183–193.

(10) Goodkind JR, et al. (2004) A contextual analysis of battered women's safety planning. Violence Against Women; 10: 514-533.

(11) Bybee, D, Sullivan, CM (2005) Predicting re-victimization of battered women 3 years after exiting a shelter program. American Journal of Community Psychology; 36(1-2) 85-96.