Tony Blair: I only come in peace.

Rupert Murdoch: That's not what I'm hearing, sonny.

Blair: What are you talkin' about?

Murdoch: According to my sources …

Blair: Not phone-hackers, I hope.

Murdoch: Don't get clever with me, sport.

Blair: Now guys ... I mean, Rupert ... Let's just calm down a bit, shall we? Let me categorically state this: I never made wild and beautiful love to that woman while the coyotes howled outside under the Californian stars.

Murdoch: Yeah? Then how come you just happened to spend a few nights –

Blair: I prefer to call them "encounters".

Murdoch: – at my ranch, with my wife, when I wasn't there and neither of you bothered to tell me.

Blair: It was like this, Rupey. I just happened to be driving my Chevvy convertible down the Pacific Highway late one July night. The hood was down. The hot tub was calling. My shirt was unbuttoned to the waist and the soft summer breeze was blowing through my hair. I had the Eagles' Witchy Woman playing on the stereo and I was just, like, you know, chillin' out, wonderin' what more I could do for world peace and how much I could get away with chargin' for my next lecture tour.

Murdoch: And?

Blair: You know, I just had this sense that God wanted me to go to Wendi. To offer her comfort. To let her know her daughter – your daughter – and, most importantly, my godchild, is truly blessed.

Murdoch: And this cosmic intervention happened on several different occasions?

Blair: It's like that when you're doing the work of God.

Murdoch: Well, I'm telling you this for nothing, drongo. You and me – we're through!

Cherie Blair: Have you heard all the rumours about you and Wendi?

Tony Blair: You don't want to believe everything you read in the Daily Mail.

Cherie Blair: It's absolutely scandalous ...

Tony Blair: I know, Cherie.

Cherie Blair: That someone else got to sell that story to the Mail before we had a chance to. That's £300K we've missed out on. That's another new flat for Euan. Or a new spring wardrobe for me. We're going to be absolutely destitute now, Tony.

Tony Blair: Aw shucks, Cherie, I do love you so much. I'm sure we will get by.

George Osborne: Christ, Cams, what do you make of the Murdoch-Blair story? Did Tony give you a heads-up about it when we were all hanging out together at the Freud-Murdoch party a few weeks back.

David Cameron: Don't believe everything you read in the Daily Mail.

Osborne: Tell you what, Cams. It's not a good idea to get on the wrong side of anyone in the Murdoch empire, is it?

Cameron: Too right, Ozzy.

Raisa the ex-Police Horse: There you are, my darling. Where have you been all this time?

Cameron: Er ... I've been a bit busy.

Raisa: Have you forgotten all those sweet nothings you used to whisper into my ear as your chubby thighs tightly gripped my flanks? How you said we were going to be best friends for ever?

Cameron: I'm sure I didn't say anything like that ...

Raisa: But we all thought it, didn't we? The happiest day of my life was when I was tethered up outside your home, panting and sweating after a hard morning's hack across the Cotswolds.

Cameron: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Lynton Crosby: Are there any bits of your past you would prefer were erased?

Cameron: Only the past 10 years ...

Crosby: That's no problem, cobber. I think you'll find that every broken promise you've ever made has just been accidentally deleted from the Tory website.

Cameron: Masterful, Lynters. Now, has anyone seen that idle fucker Cleggster?

Nick Clegg: I'm not an idle fucker.

Cameron: Then how you come you never seem to be doing anything?

Clegg: Because you never let me do anything.

Cameron: To be fair, Cleggster, you are a bit useless.

Clegg: That is SOOOOO unfair. I've done loads of things. I've emailed every radio and TV station to say I'm ready to talk about what a huge difference the Lib Dems have made and how we are going to be a force to be reckoned with at the next election ...

Cameron: And have any of them got back to you?

Clegg: No. But it's still early days ...

Osborne: Sure, Cleggster, sure. Now bugger off and rearrange the glasses on the Cabinet table. Dave and I have things to talk about.

Cameron: Do we?

Osborne: Only Paul Flowers, the Co-op bank chairman ...

Cameron: What about him?

Osborne: You know we were smearing Labour for not having suspected he was an incompetent druggie and for trousering loads of cheap loans ... Well, it turns out our mob weren't so clever either. We all met with him loads of times to talk about how the Co-op was the best bank to take over the Lloyds branches, and none of us had a clue.

Cameron: So no one noticed he only had the vaguest grasp of banking or economics ...

Osborne: To be fair, that could apply to any of us ...

Cameron: True. Ah, well, no real harm done. Back to business. Do we have any plans to help all those we've forced off benefits?

Osborne: Sure do. We're going to try to limit the interest rates of Pay Day loans companies to 1,200% per annum.

Cameron: Who says we're not the caring party?