Beating the Heat

or

Friendship is Kinky

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.

Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!

As the sun rose, Spike felt a warm, bubbling feeling of optimism fill him. He sat up out of his basket and stretched his arms out with a great big yawn. He scratched his scales and smiled as he licked his lips.

Ah... It's looking like a beautiful day, Spike thought to himself. Already his mind turned to the possibility of seeing how radiant Rarity was in the sunlight of another glorious day on Equestria.

"Hmm..." He rolled his head on his shoulders, and looked to the right. "Hey Twilight."

"Hey Spike."

Spike looked back ahead... And jerked his head back to Twilight, standing scant inches away from his face.

"ACK!" His shift in weight sent his basket falling onto it's side, and Spike slammed into the hard wood floor. With a groan he sat up and blinked at Twilight, still standing there with a wide smile on her face. "Hey! What's the deal?"

"Oh... Um... Nothing," Twilight said, looking away with a noticeable effort. "Just watching you sleep." She turned back, still smiling. "You're really very cute when you do it."

"... Thanks?" Spike managed. Twilight nodded and headed off, trotting downstairs. Spike watched her go with a few blinks, before shaking his head and muttering a few uncomplimentary terms for equines and females alike.

That was okay though. It was still a beautiful day.

Spike got breakfast going for Twilight, as usual. What was unusual was... Well... Twilight.

The purple unicorn kept looking out the windows, tapping her hooves, and twitching her ears. Concerned, Spike checked through Twilight's own checklist of things to do today.

So far, he didn't see any packages, or imminent visits from royalty, so frankly Spike was at a loss for Twilight's mood.

"Twilight? Everything all right?" He asked as he set her breakfast in front of her. His answer was her eagerly tearing into the food, finishing it in time Pinkie Pie would envy. "Huwah?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'm fine," Twilight said. "I'm just a bit... Do we have anything big to do today?"

Spike referred to the checklist again. "No, nothing..." He turned back to her, a bit suspiciously. "Are you worrying about your letters to Princess Celestia again?"

"What? No! No, not at all!" Twilight said quickly.

"Right, no crazy eyes," Spike said softly. Twilight scowled, but relented when her memory helpfully pointed out his point.

"No... It's not that... But, I dunno, I just feel so... Restless," she said. She licked her lips. "I'm not sure what it is."

"Maybe you just need to get out of the library for a while," Spike suggested. "You know, get some fresh air."

"You're absolutely right, Spike," Twilight said with a firm nod. "I need to get out for a while." She headed for the door and opened it with a quick application of her magic. She looked over her shoulder at him. "Coming Spike?"

"Eh, sure, why not?" Spike replied. His fears had abated somewhat, but something else told him that keeping an eye on Twilight might be in his best interests... And hers too, probably.

Out among the ponies, Spike found his dread slowly returning as he followed Twilight's gaze. When you live with someone from... Well, birth, you tended to pick up on things about that other being. And right now Spike was picking up something seriously strange about Twilight, and yet totally innocuous.

"Tell me Spike... What do you know about Doctor Whooves?" She asked abruptly, as they spied the chestnut-furred stallion across the marketplace. Spike followed her gaze to her target (Who was engaging in a spirited debate about apples with Applebloom) and back to the almost... Hungry look on Twilight's face.

"He's kind of weird," Spike confessed, "lives in that tiny blue house of his that can never stay still. Apparently he's an inventor."

"Mmm... An inventor you say?" Twilight asked, her tone suddenly... Husky.

"Yeah..."

"A very... Intelligent one?" Twilight asked, her tongue running over her lips. Spike blinked rapidly.

"Yeah, I guess... He also does a lot of running."

"How much running? How long can he run for?" Twilight demanded.

"Ah... I don't know," Spike returned, cautious given the almost ravenous look on Twilight's face. "I just know he's almost always got a lot of it to do."

"I see... One more question, Spike," she asked. Spike gulped.

"Yes?"

"... Is he single?" Twilight asked.

Spike blinked again, very rapidly. He rubbed his eyes.

"Um... Well, he hangs out with that weird pegasus sometimes but they don't seem to be-"

"Good enough for me!" Twilight said as she galloped off for the good Doctor. Spike stared after her, and found himself looking up at the sun. He gave it a good glower.

"And here I thought it was going to be a nice day," he mumbled, as he took off after his mistress.

Doctor Whooves was enjoying his day off, trotting through the marketplace and perusing the various stalls. Despite his various escapades that a cruder pony might call "making spacetime his mare" (He bought spacetime dinner and flowers first), he still found joy in the simple things in life. Like the scent of delicious apples, the price of which he was haggling over with the young Applebloom.

"I'm telling you my dear, I simply cannot spend more than two bits per apple," the Doctor stated.

The little filly scowled up at him. "Ah can't take anything less than four bits an apple, Mister!"

"Well, I could go as high as two point six five... But I forgot my scale back home," the Doctor said.

"You ain't bein' this difficult because of how things went last time, are ya?" Applebloom asked flatly.

"Hm? What last time?" The Doctor asked.

"In June of course! Last year!" Applebloom said flatly. "Also, what's with your voice?"

"Oh, well, I... Had a cold then," the Doctor said, sniffing significantly. "A very... Bad..." He sniffed deeper and his pupils dilated slightly.

"Hello Doctor~," a breathless voice said near his ear. The Doctor moved his eyes over to see a blushing, panting Twilight Sparkle.

"Twilight Sparkle, I presume?" He asked with a smile. She was so close, to the point he felt her warm breath washing over his neck.

"Hello Twilight... Hello Twilight!" Applebloom called.

"Hm? Oh! Hello Applebloom," Twilight said quickly. "Doctor, I have a problem I need to resolve with you."

"Ah... What sort of problem?" The Doctor asked, though he was getting a pretty good idea what kind of problem it was.

"It's the kind of problem we need to solve in private," Twilight panted. "Or maybe in public."

"Ahhh... Yes, well, the public part might be a bit problematic," The Doctor said quickly. He began to slowly back away, and Twilight followed him. Applebloom looked between them, confused and angry.

"Hey! Ah'm trying to sell him apples!"

"This problem is much more important than apples," Twilight said quickly.

"What's more important than apples?" Applebloom growled.

Twilight looked in a random direction. "Look! Free cutie marks!"

"WHERE?" Applebloom cried.

"Woah!" The Doctor cried as telekinetic force yanked him away. He was floated in front of Twilight as she ran out of the marketplace. He gave her a nervous smile as she pretty much drooled at him.

"Ah, now wait a minute Twilight Sparkle, I'm pretty sure there's been some miscommunication here-"

"Are you single?" She demanded.

"Uh... What?" The Doctor asked.

"Single! Are you unattached? Are you currently mounting anypony?" She demanded. The Doctor coughed.

"Well, um, no, not at present-"

Twilight dropped him and turned around. "Well then..."

The Doctor covered his nose. "Ahhh... Um... Well, the thing is-"

"By Celestia's shapely flanks MOUNT ME ALREADY!" Twilight roared.

Salvation came in the form of a blast of flames, that shot between them. It disrupted the enticing scent of Twilight just enough for the Doctor to regain his senses. He backed off as Spike tackled Twilight and quickly trussed her up in rope.

"HEY! HEY! LET ME GO, LET ME-MMPH!" Spike shoved an apple into Twilight's mouth, and the glare she shot him was every lyric of the Death Riders' power metal ballad "Charge Into Blood Spikes That Are Also on Fire" (Now available in stores).

"Quick thinking, though it doesn't solve the problem of her attractiveness," the Doctor said. "Makes it worse, really."

"Watch it, she's technically my mom," Spike growled. The Doctor raised his eyebrows.

"So... She's open minded then?"

"Not like THAT!" Spike stated flatly. He turned to the Doctor. "Do you know what's wrong with her?"

"Well, I can say with reasonable accuracy that she's probably in heat," the Doctor said. "Just a guess, mind you."

"Heat?" Spike asked, confused.

"You know... When she goes into estrus? Wants a stallion to put a bun in her oven?" The Doctor explained with a slightly nervous smile.

"... What does this have to do with baking?" Spike asked, mystified. The Doctor sighed, and motioned with his hoof for Spike to come closer. He bent down and whispered quickly into Spike's ear. The purple dragon's eyes became very wide.

"Oh... OH! Oh... Oh ew," he said with a grimace. "That means when she was watching me sleep she... Ew!"

"I am curious as to why you reacted so strongly to my earlier implication she did that with a dragon," the Doctor said.

"It wasn't to that, but now it's even worse!" Spike groaned and rubbed his temples. "Great, just great... What do we do?"

"Well," the Doctor said carefully, "I wouldn't be adverse to... You know, helping her out."

"Then why were you so reluctant before, huh?" Spike growled.

"Do you want to see me taking care of it with her in public?" The Doctor asked flatly. Spike grimaced.

"Good point..."

"What did she do for her previous heats?" The Doctor asked. Spike rubbed his chin.

"Well, I'm not sure... She's never acted like this before."

"Hang on a tick," the Doctor said. "I'll get some information." He galloped off quickly, leaving Spike to stare after him.

"Hey! Hang on, when will you be back?"

"Hello! Back!"

"HUH?" Spike turned and looked over his shoulder. There was the Doctor again, right behind him. The chestnut stallion sniffled.

"Ugh... Sorry, had to go catch a cold which really was quite fascinating. Also had to visit a certain filly about some apples. Anyway! You were saying...?"

"... I'm not even going to ask," Spike sighed. "Okay. How come she's never acted this way before?"

"Well, from what I know about her... Now," the stallion nodded, as though confirming this moment's now-ness, "she spent most of her time in the library, studying, training, writing?"

"Yeah," Spike said.

"A lot of stallions around?"

"Oh... Oh! I get it now," Spike said. "This is her first heat in Ponyville, and because there are so many stallions around..." His eyes widened. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh, indeed," the Doctor said with a nod.

"So, what do we do?" Spike asked again.

"Frankly, I'm not sure," the doctor said with a frown. "I mean, I have been around but my advice won't carry the same weight... You know, I can't help thinking we've forgotten something."

"What have we forgotten?" Spike asked. An apple hit him in the head, thanks to telekinetic force. Ropes flew around the Doctor and wrapped around him, sending him to the ground.

"Oof!" Both males cried. They looked up to see Twilight standing up, free, with glowing eyes and a wide smile on her face.

"Ah. Yes. Magic unicorn, totally forgot," the Doctor said sagely. "Won't forget next time!"

"If there is a next time!"

A dress does not become a disaster all at once. Like a frog in a kettle, the temperature must rise slowly and inexorably for it to boil to death, and it must involve failure at multiple points in the process of designing, cutting, and knitting. Rarity, however, could see disasters coming and the frustration would only come from the fact that she had to carry on despite it being a disaster.

No, what was really frustrating was a dress whose outcome would stubbornly stay elusive. It sounded strange but many dresses, despite how much effort she put into them, would keep their true form hidden. A fabric that didn't cooperate, a stitch that didn't quite mesh, a gem that stubbornly refused ideal placement...

"Hrmph," she grunted, and set down her implements. She leaned forward on her worktable, resting her chin on her hooves to glare at the disparate elements of fabric and gems that littered the fine wood surface.

"Aren't you stubborn?" She said, almost accusingly, at the fabric. It didn't respond, not that she really expected an answer. Divine revelation was not among her many talents.

She slid her hooves off and trotted over to the kitchenette she kept in the back, and set some tea to boil. She watched it, meditating on the sounds made by the roiling water. Perhaps it would help her clear her head.

And failing that, there was always the tea.

The door bell rang, and Rarity started.

"A customer!" She said. She smoothed out her mane, and trotted out to the front of the store. She put on her best smile.

"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, how may I... Oh! Hello Big Mac," Rarity greeted the large stallion.

"Hello Miss Rarity," Big Mac replied with a smile. Rarity returned it. The two ponies stood there for a while, neither saying anything, just smiling.

"... Can I help you?" Rarity asked at last.

"Eeyup," Big Mac said. He reached into his saddlebag, and pulled out a sad looking, beat up gray doll.

"Oh! That old doll of Twilight's," Rarity said. "Would you like me to fix it for you?"

Big Mac nodded. "Eeyup."

"Well certainly, it won't take a moment," Rarity said with a warm smile... A smile that got warmer as she took Big Mac in.

Mmm... You know, I never noticed how rugged he really is... His fetlocks are unshorn, how... Scandalous, her cheeks turned red and she bit her lower lip. She lifted a hoof to her mouth.

Mmm... I can smell him from here... I could just eat him up...

"Miss Rarity?" Big Mac asked.

Rarity blinked. She saw a pair of large eyes staring back at hers, and felt Big Mac's breath from his nostrils washing over her face.

"Ahem!" She coughed, turning away with a deep blush. "Sorry, I thought I saw a... Log in your eye! But it turns out there's nothing, I'll be right back!" She galloped off with the doll into the backroom, and slammed the door shut behind her.

Big Mac blinked and stared after her. He sniffed the air... And blushed himself.

"Nope, nope," he said, shaking his head.

Rarity pressed her back against the door, great heaving breaths filling her lungs as she tried to calm down.

"Oh no... Oh no... How... How could it be? It's too early, it's too early!" She wailed. "Oh nooo... This is the Worst! Thing! Ever!" She summoned her couch and fell atop it, holding a hoof to her forehead.

"I'm so very fertile... And he's so... Mmm... Virile..." Rarity rapidly shook her head. "Nononono! No! He is very nice, Rarity, but you cannot go and have your way with Big Mac! It would be improper..."

Her horn lit up and slowly the doorknob began to turn. Rarity glared up at her horn, and it's glowing ceased.

"Besides, having foals at my age would absolutely ruin my figure..." She huffed. "... Although it would make me more mature, refined, give me that maternal glow... So many things I could knit for that-NO!" She shook her head furiously again. "Nononono!"

Rarity rushed to her sewing machine, selected the proper thread, put on her glasses and went about planning the repair job.

"Right... Get the job done, give it to him, and then a nice session at the spa," she decided aloud.

She activated the sewing machine... And watched the needle punch holes through the fabric. She bit her lower lip.

"... Okay, a nice long session at the spa," she mumbled.

Twilight's library was usually a scene of tranquility and peace. However, if any ponies were eavesdropping at the moment, they would undoubtedly overhear a furious struggle going on that would set many a tongue wagging.

True, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were always a subject of rumors, stories and outright fabrications-That came with the territory for the saviors of all ponykind. But this would present something far different from the usual gossip concerning mad science and unleashing horrors from beyond the stars that usually constituted these rumors.

"Gah... Doctor! Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can take!" Spike said. He was smacked with a broom. "OW!"

The Doctor, for his part, was reading through several volumes on female equine physiology and sexuality, magic, and the Elements of Harmony all at once. On the table in between the books was a silver and blue pen-shaped object.

"Hold on Spike, I'm not even through the first half. Did you know that it was Greensage the Pure who wrote the Pony Sutras? Huh! I know who I'm going to visit next trip..."

"DOCTOR!" Spike wailed as he was thrown via telekinetic force into a bookshelf. The Doctor looked up just in time to see a purple blur tackle him.

"OOF!" They slid on the smooth, well kept wooden floor into a table, the crazed mare atop him.

"Ah... Twilight, really, this is not the best-"

"What's the problem NOW?" She demanded. "I'm hot and willing and I saved the freaking world several times! What could POSSIBLY be unattractive about me?"

"Er, well... We don't really know each other very personally," the Doctor said delicately, thankful for his cold. Without it her pheromones would probably render him just as crazed as she was.

"So you're being chivalrous?" Twilight asked, in a nearly lucid tone. The Doctor smiled and nodded quickly.

"Yes!"

"Don't care!" Twilight growled, and she kissed him deeply. The Doctor waved his front hooves frantically, and with a quick roll was able to put her on the bottom.

"Ooh... Taking charge?" She practically purred.

"Not exactly-OH LOOK A BIG SHINY THING!" The Doctor cried, pointing above her.

"Huh?" Twilight asked, looking up. The Doctor galloped across the room and frantically searched through the books. He grinned in triumph as he held up his silver and blue tool, and turned just in time to see Twilight stalking towards him.

"Now, see here Twilight Sparkle. I'm awfully busy trying to help you..." After all, he didn't think Spike would appreciate him... Er... 'Helping' his mother figure right in the library. Besides, this heat was rather frightening in it's intensity.

"You can help me in a much better way right now," she panted.

"If you could just give me a moment..." The Doctor tried again. Twilight broke into a gallop, about to spring for the pounce. The Doctor sighed.

"Oh bloody..." He pointed the pen-like device at her, and it glowed and buzzed-Both loudly. Twilight gasped and collapsed, her legs twitching as she let out several gasps and cries.

Spike, woozily, staggered over to the Doctor. He watched Twilight writhe and looked at the Doctor.

"What did you do to her?"

"I reset my sonic screwdriver to... Er... Induce certain reactions that should minimize the effects of her heat, at least for the time being," the Doctor replied. As Twilight moaned loudly, Spike gave the chestnut stallion a deadpan look.

"You... soniced her?"

"... Yes."

"Sonic me again! Sonic me again!" Twilight cried deliriously. The Doctor facehoofed.

"Spike, tie her up again, I've got a lot of reading to do still..."

"Why can't I read and you tie her up?"

"You want to sonic her, then?"

"I'll get more rope," the dragon grumbled.

And this is where I go to Pony Hell.