



What I wish you knew.



I am your loved one and I have left the church. You already know that about me because at this point it’s old news.

I tried to do it quietly. I tried not to hurt your feelings. I walked away when confronted. I smiled when you said you appreciate that I’m not angry and that I’m not one of THOSE EX-MORMONS who Just. Can’t. Leave. It. Alone.

I wish you knew how many times I zipped my lip.

I wish you knew how many family conversations alienated me. Put me on my own lonely little island. The island of dangerous and unwelcome opinions. The island nobody wants to visit.

I wish you knew about all of the little ways I censor myself to accomodate you. I have so many things to say. Things that are thoughtful, things that are true, things that have changed my life for the better. Things that would probably really make you uncomfortable because I know what it’s like to be on your side but you don’t want to know what it’s like over here.

I wish you knew that I fretted about a coffee maker and a visit from you.

In a big Mormon family I am the outlier. Which makes me automatically wrong because I couldn’t possibly be right, could I? In a big Mormon family I get to listen to things I don’t want to listen to.

But nobody has to listen to me.

I really wish you knew how many times I zipped my lip.

I wish you knew that I am a master at hiding my discomfort. You don’t hide yours because you don’t think you have to. Your discomfort is righteous. Mine is a punishment. I wish you could see the injustice in that.

I wish you knew that when I share something on social media that paints the church in a light that you find offensive I am doing it because it’s quite literally the only safe space I have to let people know who I am. I can post. I can share. I can like. And you can unfollow, hide, keep scrolling, or read and try to understand. It’s exactly what I do when you post your faith promoting items. Which you do post and you feel free to do so because you have the truth? I have the truth. And I know that with every fiber of my being. So which one of us gets to share the truth on facebook without getting told to just leave it alone? Because I gave up the church several years ago but here I am in the middle of the culture and in the middle of friends and family who will always be Mormon which means I will be reminded almost daily about my otherness. It means I get messages from people who haven’t spoken to me for 25 years but who feel absolutely entitled to tell me that I’m wrong about this and that and everything else. Can you imagine if I started sending those kind of messages? “Hi! It’s me, from junior high! I see that you are still LDS and that you’ve shared yet another conference talk. Let me tell you where you’re totally wrong because if you continue on this path your life is going to fall apart.” Unbelievable, right?

You should know that I zip my lip when that happens too.

I wish you knew all of the hundreds of ways I quiet myself to preserve your comfort. To maintain your vision of me as someone who may be formerly Mormon but most certainly not anti-Mormon. I wish you knew that I can be totally antagonistic to everything the church stands for but that I defend your right to believe and I will show up for your religious events when you ask me to.

I wish you knew that coming to me in the spirit of understanding would go a million miles for our relationship. You should know that I’d give you the hard truth in the softest way possible because I care about being kind. And I like to talk about my life because I worked hard to get here. And because my life is full and fun.

I wish you knew that you could come over to my island for a visit and I wouldn’t force you to stay.