HAVEN’T watched Dr Who since I was a small boy and I didn’t understand it even then, but I’m told the current series is in trouble — with viewing figures in freefall.

Angry fans say it’s littered with ham- fisted attempts to ram Lefty dogma down our throats, and if you look at the storylines, it seems they do have a point.

Viewing figures for this year's Doctor Who series, starring Jodie Whittaker, are not doing well, writes Jeremy Clarkson Credit: BBC

The Doctor has witnessed a man giving birth and has visited a civil rights activist in Alabama in the 1950s. It’s not so much “exterminate, exterminate, exterminate” as “indoctrinate, indoctrinate, indoctrinate”.

Next up, I should imagine, the Tardis will be serviced free of charge by a nice, beardy man called Jeremy Corbyn. The BBC really is having a hard time with being neutral these days.

I heard one of its news reporters this week explaining that fat-cat businessmen who pay themselves too much should think twice.

He may have a point. It may be something many people agree with. But his job is to report the news, not give us his opinion on it. We get this constantly these days.

Doctor Who Episode Six 'Demons of the Punjab' teaser trailer with Jodie Whittaker

Fans say the show is trying to ram Lefty dogma down their throats, writes Jeremy Clarkson Credit: BBC Press Handout

Every time they mention Donald Trump, you can actually hear them swallowing their own sick. There is a palpable sense that they hate him and an assumption that you do too.

This may be correct. It’s hard to find a Trump fan on this side of the Atlantic, but it’s not the BBC’s job to reflect this.

Naturally, the BBC has embraced the #metoo movement and, keen to show off its pioneering spirit, is now only giving frontline jobs to women. Bravely, Nick Robinson auditioned this week to be host of Question Time, but there is literally no way in hell he’ll get the gig.

It’ll go to a woman, same as the Radio 2 Breakfast show, and the drive-time show and, indeed, the role of Dr Who.

There's no way in hell Nick Robinson will become the host of Question Time Credit: BBC

Back in the summer, a BBC chief actually said that the days of middle-aged white men standing on hills telling the viewers things are over. On that basis, there will be no more Attenborough. Maybe that’s why his next series is being made by Netflix.

I watched a BBC film this week. It’s called Denial, it has a stellar cast and the storyline is this: The holocaust did happen.

I’m aware that there are three or maybe four people in the world who think it didn’t, but making a whole film to prove them wrong seems silly. It’d be like making a film to show everyone that the world is round.

But even though we know about the Holocaust, the hero of the piece — Rachel Weisz — becomes increasingly shrill throughout the movie, shrieking over and over again about how the gas chambers were real. We know, love. Calm down.

David Attenborough's new series is being made by Netflix Credit: WARNING: Use of this image is subject to the terms of use of BBC Pictures' Digital Picture

Our Planet: Sir David Attenborough swaps BBC for Netflix as he narrates new nature documentary series from the makers of Planet Earth

After about 50 minutes, I decided I’d pitch the BBC a film that proves once and for all that pigeons definitely have wings.

But then I was distracted because Rachel was in the middle of a speech about all of the other things that are undeniable. I waited a moment because I knew it was coming, and yes!!! There it was: Global warming.

I spent many happy years at the BBC and made many friends. I like it. I think it’s a valuable institution.

But there is absolutely no doubt that these days, it’s been hijacked by people who wouldn’t know the concept of “unbiased” even if it leapt out of a hedge in a pirate costume and bit their foot.

Can we better these

IN the beginning we had the field of porcelain poppies spilling from the Tower of London and into the moat.

What could beat porcelain poppies and a field of candles? Credit: Simon Jones - The Sun

It was one of the most mesmerising acts of remembrance I’ve ever seen. And now we have the field of candles, above, which, if anything, is even better.

But I do worry that officials may be starting a tradition here, and that would be a bad thing, because they’ve done poppies and they’ve done fire, so what’s next?

And what happens in 30 years, when they really are scraping the barrel for ideas.

It’s only worth persevering if there are a million good ideas right now. If there aren’t, give up, because in 2045 they will be marking Remembrance Sunday with a million plastic models of Leslie Crowther.

Thousands of flaming torches are lit at the Tower Of London as tribute to all fallen heroes of World War One

Liz has body to eye for

PRETTY much every morning, Liz Hurley puts a picture of herself in a bikini on Instagram. It’s the highlight of my day.

Liz was born with great genes and a body that is seemingly unaffected by gravity Credit: Instagram

But now a bunch of disgruntled women are suggesting, politely but firmly, that 53-year-old Liz cover herself up because she’s setting other women a target that can’t be reached. How mean-spirited can you get?

Liz was born with great genes and a body that is seemingly unaffected by gravity. So why should she not show it off? Are they saying that James Dyson should put away his flair for business and stop making vacuum cleaners, or that Matthew McConaughey should give up acting because his talent makes struggling thesps feel inadequate.

I like seeing people do well. I want to see their pictures and hear their stories because it makes me happy. Certainly, if I had a ten foot gentleman sausage, I’d put it on social media every 15 minutes. And that’s why Liz must be allowed to keep putting herself out there.

Because for every fiftysomething woman who finds it depressing, there’s a fiftysomething man who really, really doesn’t.

Liz Hurley shows off her singing voice whilst sunbathing in bikini on Instagram

Uncle Adolf NAZI enthusiasts uncovered a photograph this week which shows Hitler cuddling a young girl he knew to be Jewish. They said that she even called him “Uncle Hitler”.

And that’s where their story goes wrong I’m afraid, because I’m uncle to two kids and they don’t call me Uncle Clarkson.

If she called him uncle anything, it would have been Uncle Adolf.

Women in art

PAINTINGS in a National Trust house were covered up this week to highlight the lack of women in art.

The girl in the Athena tennis poster proves the lack of women in art Credit: AFP

I can see their point.

There are no women in paintings. Apart from the Mona Lisa of course. And Botticelli’s Venus. And Whistler’s Mother. And The Girl With The Pearl Earring.

And Warhol’s Monroe. And Manet’s Olympia. And Klimt’s Bloch-Bauer. And the Portrait Of Edith, And Picasso’s Dora. And that girl in the Athena tennis poster.



Black and white

IT was reported this week that 7,161 households in Britain have a licence for a black and white television.

People have black and white tellies because they prefer it that way Credit: Alamy

I assumed they were telling porkies to save a few quid – a black and white licence is only £50.50 a year compared to £150.50 for colour. But this can’t be so, because if you have a functioning black and white television these days, it’s going to be worth a fortune.

Same as if you have a working VCR machine, or a turntable that still turns.

I can only assume that these people have black and white tellies because they prefer it that way. And when I saw the colour of Donald Trump’s face in his news conference this week, I could see their point.

Putin informants IT’S said that Vladimir Putin has a whopping 75,000 informants in Britain. If you’d like to become one, simply visit www.labour.org and join up.

Idris' no knockout

SO, Idris Elba has been voted the sexiest man alive.

Anthony Joshua would have made a better choice Credit: Rex Features

I’m not upset, of course. Or bitter.

But if I’d been consulted, I think I’d have gone for Anthony Joshua.