Resident Evil 7 is my current gaming obsession. I’ve been blasting the heads of monsters and bravely running away from immortal cannibals for an entire week now. But there’s one thing about Resident Evil 7 that should terrifying us all. The teeth. Good Lord, the teeth. They are perfect. They are everywhere.


Hey, you! There’s spoilers in this article.

Under the weather but eager to achieve something over the weekend, I attempted a speedrun of Resident Evil 7. I didn’t reach the blistering speeds of the pros but I think I did okay. It was pretty easy to rush by baddies and brave the dark secrets of the swamp. But one thing bothered me. Everyone’s teeth were perfect. Like, really perfect. Straight, pretty clean, and highly visible. The game opens with a recording of the protagonist’s wife Mia. She’s chatting away, mouth clomping up and down like a puppet, showing off some porcelain white chompers.


Fair enough. She probably has rigorous hygiene standards. At the very least, she was definitely proud of her teeth. Every goddamn second, she took the opportunity to show me them.

She showed me her teeth while trying to escape from a torture dungeon:

She showed me her teeth when transformed into a possessed murderer:


She showed me her teeth after recovering from an axe to the neck:


Mia just couldn’t get enough. She loved showing off her teeth. I do my best to keep my teeth clean but I’ve had my share of cavities and corrective work. This was just cruel. I get it, Mia, you fucking floss. Back off. Not all of us can look like a nutcracker 24-7. Stop taunting me.

I thought that was the worst of it. I was wrong. I was horribly wrong.


This is Jack Baker and he wanted to be my daddy. Here he is getting ready to punch me in the face. Oh. My. God. Becky, look at those teeth!

He showed me his teeth while cutting my face with a knife:


He busted open the skull of a kind deputy who also had perfect teeth:


He caught on fire and blew his own brains out with my gun and came back with only slightly worse teeth:


I ran away from him and straight into a monster that also had some impressive teeth:


I had a chainsaw fight with Jack and cut him to pieces. His teeth were pretty great:


After I blew his torso off, I ran to the guest house and stumbled across Marguerite Baker. She was controlling a bunch of bugs and I have to assume she was doing it with her winning smile.

Marguerite tried to choke me while showing off her spiffy chompers:


She transformed into a giant spider lady and I shot her right in her perfect little mouth:


Clearly, this was it. I’d reached peak teeth. There was no way that the game could offer me any more pearly whites. Jack and Marguerite were dead as doornails. Say, does anyone know where their son Lucas went?


Okay, you know what? Screw this. I need to go the to dentist.