by Mikel Albagdadi and Jacob Humphreys

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article is satire, as is just about everything else published on The Red Shtick. Notwithstanding our name, one would think that our About Us page would be a clear indication to the fact we have a robust reputation as purveyors of satire since 2004. Nevertheless, some people apparently possess intelligences that are impossible to insult.

Epidemiologists investigating Blue Bayou Water Park say they’ve discovered a new strain of bacteria that’s already been nicknamed the “boudin flu.”

State health officials were dispatched to the popular amusement park following an alarming spike in emergency room visits by patrons.

Investigators report being “horrified” by what they found in the water at Blue Bayou. They also report throwing up on the 200-foot drop tower ride, known as the Hot Shot, next door at Dixie Landin’.

“It’s unlike anything we’ve ever come across,” said Grant Crosby, who’s been an epidemiologist for over 20 years. “It seems like the warm waters of the wave pool have incubated all the old Band-Aids and dirty diapers that can be seen floating in the water, creating a sort of bacteria broth that is the perfect breeding ground for germs.”

If Blue Bayou patrons experience diarrhea, coughing up blood, and/or red sores, they should enjoy another one of Blue Bayou’s famous foot-long chili-cheese wieners.

Crosby said he and his colleagues named the bacteria “Ceruleus lagoonas,” but due to illiteracy in Baton Rouge, the bacterium has been informally dubbed boudin flu.

The state Department of Health urges that if Blue Bayou patrons experience diarrhea, coughing up blood, and/or red sores, they should enjoy another one of Blue Bayou’s famous foot-long chili-cheese wieners. However, they also say that if parkgoers’ eyes begin to sting, they should walk — not run — to the nearest lifeguard.

Officials indicate they were first alerted to the situation at Blue Bayou by Baton Rouge resident Chase Bradley, who recalls opening his eyes underwater while swimming at the park to get a better look at girls’ butts.

“I thought the irritation I felt in my eyes was from too much chlorine in the water, but then my vision started going fast,” Bradley said. “Doctors say the boudin flu was eating away at my eyes and was starting to spread to the rest of my body.”

Bradley was rushed to Baton Rouge General Medical Center, where the doctors were unsure how to treat him. Rather than risk allowing the then-unknown pathogen to spread to Bradley’s brain, where it could possibly kill him, physicians decided to perform a double eye amputation.

While the procedure was successful in saving his life, Bradley has since fallen into a deep state of depression, mainly because he can no longer look at girls’ butts.

“It’s truly terrible what happened to Mr. Bradley, but I’d like him to know that he has a lifetime pass to Blue Bayou,” park owner Sam Haynes Jr. said. “But not Dixie Landin’. That’s extra.”

Despite the infectious outbreak, Blue Bayou will not be closing anytime soon. Haynes believes the publicity surrounding the water park is a good thing, explaining it adds “an element of danger” for patrons.