Despite throwing untold millions at the same few communications companies, the EU’s ‘promoganda’ – we call it that because the occupants of Berlaymont really dislike the word ‘propaganda’ for their, well, propaganda efforts – have hardly been a shining success.

Some of their little videos have achieved notoriety, if not approval. There was the deeply, deeply sexist ‘Science: It’s a girl thing’ that made a Barbie doll look positively intellectual, then there was the racist video from DG Enlargement that offended more people that the Duke of Edinburgh and Silvio Berlusconi combined.

These examples, costing several hundred thousand euros, were swiftly removed and are now mainly used on courses like ‘How not to do social media’.

We were wondering if the European Commission had made a video that was so bad they pulled it before release.

It turns out they have planned one that was so awful it was pulled before being made and all trace of it deleted and shredded.

But Kassandra managed to find some notes on the planned campaign and, apart from being risible, it also shows the level of self-loathing in the European Commission HQ.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is the tale of ‘Hans The Eurocrat.’

Hans was born from a “Request for a specific communication action for a specific order to be placed in the context of the multiple framework contract with renewed competitive tendering for the provision of integrated communication services”.

The Hans campaign was “in the framework of the ‘Europe at Work / Making the Lisbon Treaty work for citizens communication policy.”

Are we all clear on that? Never mind, let’s soldier on.

DG COMM developed Hans as “a social media campaign to communicate to the social media user public” how Lisbon works. Something the social media user public has been crying out for, no doubt.

It’s clear from the language that the whole idea is a communication exercise from people who appear unfamiliar with language and communication as understood by their target audience. It’s full of the dead hand of the bureaucrat’s pen.

But they have their lofty ambitions, “In order to make the messages absorbable, interesting and engaging for the general public, a fictional character will be developed.”

Interesting how absorbable is the first word that leaps to the creators mind. Anyway, onto the great idea, the grand plan.

“This fictional character is Hans, the Eurocrat.”

What follows is a paean to self-loathing, a dark, bleak look into the soul of Berlaymont.

Hans is described as “a little bureaucrat working for the European Commission, with a grey suit and black squared glasses, weak body structure and slightly balding head.”

His job? “Hans has an imaginary post at the European Commission; as an information officer he provides information and answers the questions of interested citizens about the EU.” Of course, if this was a real position, perhaps expensive little campaigns like this wouldn’t be needed. No matter.

“On his blog, Hans explains the visitors how the EU works – step by step, answering the wide ranging questions of the callers and of the visitors groups.”

Presumably visitors ask a question and Hans replies ‘read my blog tomorrow’ or something with grammar being somewhat optional.

The daily horror continues for poor Hans, in a section some feel is both autobiographical and a desperate cry for help. “Hans has a slightly Eurosceptic wife, Elvira, who always makes fun of Hans.” Well, Brussels is full of angry, bitter former spouses of Eurocrats, so this does get worrying. Add in the fact that Elvira is the stage name of, believe it or not, Cassandra Peterson, a lady with obvious charms who donned a vampire costume and fronted late night horror films for many decades.

“As a result, Hans often avoids her by staying late in the office,” the profile continues, with a deeply unhealthy message, of a Eurocrat unable to face problems and hiding away in fear.

It gets worse, “Hans is also terrorised by his muscular neighbour, Marcellus, who is angry with Hans for earning good money as a Eurocrat and not fixing a meeting for him with the President of the Commission.”

Poor Hans, but maybe not such bad news for Elvira! But what does Marcellus want? He is named after a particuly nasty gangster in the film Pulp Fiction. “Marcellus wants to convince the President to appoint him to be the personal trainer of the Commissioners.”

Have we all got a mental picture that Marcellus conducting an aerobics class of Commissioners?

Anyway, the campaign has three underlying messages; “The EU is democratic and open, The EU consists of humans, The EU delivers results for its citizens.”

New Europe wants to bring this vision to life. We are accepting script ideas.