The queens will play "Whatcha Packin'?" The answer, of course, is dick. Lots of generously-sized dicks and hefty balls, well-packed into Andrew Christian.

The queens come into the werkroom for the day's new challenge, hollering "Yes Gawd!" (These werkroom entrances make me nostalgic for DiDa Ritz. "Category is: Cheesecake!") The SheMail brings an onslaught of scent-related jokes, but before we start panty-sniffing, there's a meaty mini-challenge to behold.

She and Jinkx are quickly becoming a united front, but neither of them wants to fight with Coco on-camera more than necessary, so let's roll credits!

We cold-open in the werkroom, just after Roxxxy and Alyssa's Hairwhip For Your Life. Roxxxy's hitting her post-cry endorphin rush, and has perked up since we last saw her. She apologizes for taking her anger and frustration out on Jinkx, and Jinkx accepts the apology. Meanwhile, Detox is frustrated that there are still seven queens in the competition. Alaska is playing "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" as Coco crows over her win.

This episode put us through it, right? It's not comfortable, spending a full hour gagging like that.

If you follow the West Hollywood queens on Instagram, you'll recognize a bunch of these guys as gogo dancers that turn up in the same venues as the queens themselves, and Detox waves to her friends as they enter. The RuPaul's Drag Race subreddit, my current favorite place on the internet, has a thread for clocking these guys , if you want to see them in more, ahem, detail. Anyway. Ivy's memory for detail wins her a phone call home!

Once the Rupersized Pit Crew is dismissed, we learn about the main challenge. It's is the annual self-directed shoot, and this year, the queens will be crafting their own perfumes and shooting commercials for them. On the whole, the queens are excited about it: they've interpreted the challenge as comedy-optional, and playing with perfume bottles and scented oils is much more werkroom fun than quietly scratching out roast punchlines.

After the queens get to work, we cut to Ivy and Jinkx, sharing a giggle over threesomes and rosebuds. Though I can't find numbers for this episode, the season premiere had 565,000 viewers, and every single one of us currently has a crush on Ivy Winters, right?

Of course right.

RuPaul's werkroom walkthrough opens with positive feedback for Alaska, though both are concerned that Red already exists. It's a blessing in disguise for Alaska, who continues evolving her idea as Ru moves on.

Roxxxy has a cute concept: Thick and Juicy, the fragrance for confident fat chicks who don't need a serving pan for their entire supreme pizza.

Last week, Coco played RuPaul's Brewster Projects cousin, and this week, she's playing Ru's pet leopard. RuPaul is dubious of "RuAnimale." Meanwhile, Alyssa has chosen "Alyssa's Secret" as her perfume's name, and Ru wants to know, "What the secret?" Alyssa squirms while Detox spitballs ideas on what Alyssa's secret might be.

Ivy has another stressful werkroom consultation with RuPaul, and decides to drop "Ivy Winters: Poisoned Rosebud" for the much snappier "Dress Code." However, she's running short on time, and we're given the impression that she's smiling through a rising sense of panic.

The commerical will be co-directed by Aubrey O'Day! The queens are excited, because they haven't yet learned that Aubrey O'Day is a fucking nightmare.

On to the shoot! Jinkx is up first, and we only see the first half of her "Delusions" commercial shoot, draped across the Pit Crew. I had a funny "Oh, she's dressed as the-character-of Jinkx Monsoon today" moment when she came on-set: here, have the Monsoon Season side-by-side.

Jinkxalicious.

Aubrey O'Day doesn't understand that Jinkx is setting up a punchline, though, and grouses that Jinkx isn't being ladylike enough.

Aubrey appears to be conceptually unfamiliar with camp. Somehow.

Ivy is next, and though her attitude is sunny as ever, her already-frazzled nerves aren't helped by Aubrey's running critique, and she struggles to get a good take.

Between this look and the affected accent she used, Coco's commercial reads as Bebe Zahara Benet minstrelsy.

CamerooooooooohnosheDIDN'T

Detox was HILARIOUS. I was getting shades of the Saturday Night Live "Swarovski Crystals" sketch.

Aubrey repeats her mistake of trying to coach Detox out of camp, telling her the whispering isn't sexy. Bitch, when Detox is going for sexy, you'll know it.

Poor Alyssa is next, and Aubrey is straight-up mean to her. If we met, I don't think Aubrey and I would like each other.

With a cheeky name like "Alyssa's Secret," Alyssa was so close to successfully executing comedy. I wish she had looked into the camera, eyes smoldering, and breathily delivered the slogan: "Alyssa's Secret. Sit on it."

Roxxxy's buttery yellow look is cute, a bit like a glamorous waffle, but her performance is scattered, and she's smothered and diced by Michelle's critique. (Did you get that joke? If so, Thick & Juicy is for you, too!)

When Alaska comes in, you can watch Michelle bristle at her styling, but Alaska has a solid game plan in "Red: For Filth," and after sitting through so many other half-baked and misguided concepts, Michelle is quickly won over. (I'm putting a hit out on the editors for not giving me an uninterrupted shot to GIF her spinning around.)

And that's a wrap on the commercials! "Coming up, on RuPaul's Emotionally Manipulative Editing!"

Jinkx: "I have a crush on Ivy Winters."

Ivy, weeping: "I love you!"

The entire internet: squeals and flips its shit

Take a deep breath, fangirls: Ivy has a boyfriend now, and Jinkx is single and doing just fine for herself, thank you. Neither of them knew that Jinkx and Alaska's conversation would be broadcast, and nothing ever came of this. They're friends, everything's good, and cooler heads now prevailing, neither of them needs us to make a big internetty fuss. Anyway, dawn is breaking over L.A., and it's Elimination Day, yes gawd!

Rooting through her luggage, Alaska has unearthed "The Haus of Haunt: Watch Children," a gorgeous chronicle of Alaska's chosen family. It's renewing for her, a dose of home to remember why she's here, and a sweet moment shared with the other queens.

Ivy slips out to have a family moment of her own, chatting with her lovely, similarly-gorgeous mother. Ivy has interviewed that both of her siblings are also gay, and she's the product of an incredibly supportive, nurturing family. She tells her mom that, as the other queens have talked about their uncomfortable-to-tragic relationships with their families and how they were raised, she's been reflecting on how lucky she is. Warm hearts all around!

Time for the runway! Best Breasts on Panel awarded to Michelle Visage.

RuPaul continues working through her Hi-Lighters Multi-Pack Collection.

(Left: tonight. Right: Draggle Rock.)

Ru's eyeshadow is delicious tonight. Question: are her dress straps made of breakaway-safety-collars for cats? Because I swear, my cats' collars have exactly that closure.

Aubrey O'Day is tragically caught in the Uncanny Valley.

I skipped the RealDoll side-by-side. You're welcome.

Tonight, the queens are dressed for their fragrance launch. Commence. Shake. DOWN.

More animal print from Coco. I'm a sucker for jewelry-down-the-back, though, and credit where it's due: she's now painting appropriately for this lighting, and her make-up is leaps and bounds better than two weeks ago.

Alaska looks amazing, and even better, she looks like Alaska Thunderfuck. This look is the payoff to a long, carefully-played, well-executed strategy: Alaska spent weeks and weeks giving the judges lovely, soft, polished looks, until they were sick of it, until they all-but-begged her to hit the runway dressed as the campy, conceptual, intentionally-hot-mess queen whose audition tapes they'd been watching all these years. If Alaska had trotted out in this ensemble in Week 2 or 3, they'd have wailed "Sharon!" and sent her home. Tonight, though, her fuck-it-red hair and duct tape accessories sealed the deal on her challenge win. Furthermore, the win itself is an endorsement: from here forward, keep doing you, and we'll reward you for it. Well played, Alaska.

(nb: of course, these are just assumptions about what Alaska was thinking; she didn't actually say any of that on the show. She's smart, though, and she certainly didn't stumble into this win accidentally, y'know?)

Ivy has given me many of my favorite runway looks this season, but sadly, this isn't one of them. In another context, on another stage, I imagine this outfit comes to life, but the RuPaul's Drag Race Main Stage isn't that place.

I really like Detox more every week. I've come to the affable conclusion that our aesthetics simply don't overlap, and I'm never going to properly-appreciate her runway style, but I love her attitude and I love her strut. (Also, this is just me, but I love seeing queens' real hair as part of their drag. Detox wins mega-points with me for not wearing a wig tonight.)

Ditto. It's very-much not my thing, but if you're livin' for your gig, I'm livin' for your gig, Miss Alyssa.

As she said herself: Cute and lovely and 100% Jinkxsy. Like her Marie Antoinette look from Week 3, I love that she's included a million little details to pick out and enjoy. (Also, this might be my new favorite GIF ever.)

Unfortunately, this outfit wasn't doing Roxxxy's Thick & Juicy body any favors. We've seen her demonstrate that she can dress her body for sex appeal, but the plasticy, vacuum-sealed look was a swing-and-a-miss for this stage.

Here's one thing everybody got right this week: the paint was on point. Every season, it takes a few episodes before all the queens to work out the translation from their bar/theater/pageant make-up to Television Realness, and this week, all seven girls were beaten flawlessly.

Let's watch commercials!

Too hilarious. Alaska's reaction to the judges' reaction says it all: they loved it as much as I did.

Ivy's got a deep bag of circus tricks, but she went with the magical costume change.

I dearly wish they'd allowed her to eat fire instead--the costume change trick was edited down to blink-and-you'll-miss-it, and it left "Dress Code" without a solid anchoring moment. As RuPaul said: "Oh, dear."

Detox's "Heroine" was great! I'm glad Detox was smart enough to tune out Aubrey's shitty directorial advice and shoot the commercial she'd planned, because it was absolutely a solid entry. Instead of a GIF, have a ringtone of that amazing voice.

Heroine

We move to Alyssa and her awkstravaganza, "Alyssa's Secret." Aubrey O'Day, who is really helping me appreciate the positive qualities of Jeffrey Moran, wonks at Alyssa about having "serial killer eyes." I went through her commerical frame-by-frame, looking for the craziest crazy-eyes to screenshot, and here's the T: for all her other wacky mugging, Alyssa really doesn't have crazy eyes. Have the side-by-side: Alyssa's eyes at their most-flared, and Aubrey's impression of them.

Aubrey, you are the Britta of RuPaul's Drag Race judges.

As to Jinkx's commercial?





She's perfect. Concisely: I am looking forward to the next forty or fifty years of Jinkx's career. Add "Delusion" to the SNL reel, Jinkx.

(And Michelle loves Jinkx's runway again! Hooray!)







The judges aren't in love with Roxxxy's commercial or runway look, but I'm digging this reveal (and wishing that Ivy's reveal had carried the same punch).

The judges deliberate--Coco's perfume reeks, Alaska's smells lovely, Aubrey is the worst--and the girls return. Jinkx is safe, Detox is safe, Alaska wins!

I'm all bouncy-excited too!

Coco is safe, essentially by virtue of having a theme, and Roxxxy escapes the lip synch too, leaving Ivy and Alyssa to lip synch. I spend the next few minutes offering increasingly-noisy advice to the television.

You know I've been pinning Top Three hopes on Ivy since the cast list was announced, but I have to concede: Alyssa won this lip synch, fair and square. Furthermore, I wish I could blame Alyssa for sending Ivy home, but honestly, I was impressed by her conduct as well as her performance: we've spent season after season watching queens get pushy and nasty about hogging that exact stage-spot where Ivy stayed, and I have to give Alyssa credit for being a perfect lady about it. She didn't crowd Ivy, and she let Ivy give the performance she wanted to give. For as little self-awareness as Alyssa can show at times, it was classy, and anyway, she didn't need that patch of stage to win.

So Ivy sashays, and my over-invested heart breaks. But we're down to Top Six!

__________________________________

: So here's the T! There's no new episode next week, but that doesn't mean The Dilettwat is going quiet! I've been planning a few surprise-extras for the week off, so keep an eye here and onfor new goodies.

And the week after next? The episode is literally titled "Drama Queens." Yes, it's this one!

Stay tuned, darlings!