1 Your days of exciting dining are done. Where once you thought nothing of eating in swanky Michelin-starred establishments or queuing up outside the hot new artisanal burger joint, your priorities have now shifted. Now all you want is cheap food brought to you as quickly as possible by a sympathetic waiting staff. Anything else is a bonus.

2 Don’t stroll in blind. The more you know about a place, the better. Are there highchairs? Is there a kids’ menu? Is there somewhere you can store your buggy? Are the tables too small or close together? Are there steps? Are there adequate changing facilities? Seriously, find out. Surprises are your worst enemy right now.

3 Go off-peak. If you want a toddler to eat in public, you need time and space, ie when nobody else is there. Get used to 5pm meals. Especially if your child gets ratty when tired.

4 Make sure they serve something familiar. Since I had my baby, my favourite restaurants are the ones that include “Penne in Red Crap” on their kids’ menus. I don’t care if they’ve got poor TripAdvisor reviews or are unethical about sharing their tips, or if there are piles of warm rat faeces on every table. All I want is Penne in Red Crap because I know my son will definitely eat Penne in Red Crap.

5 Order your child’s food first. This is important. Many babies like food tepid but many restaurants pride themselves on serving bubbling hot dishes on just nuked plates. Here’s my workaround: get their food brought out with your starters. Better yet, order it with your drinks. The earlier it arrives, the more time it has to cool and the less likely you are to go bald with stress.

Yes, your child is your world but not everyone else’s, so try to let the other diners enjoy their meal

6 Give them space. My son’s reach has suddenly become enormous. Look away for a second and he’ll lean over and grab your knife, plate or glass. To combat this, pile everything they can grab into a ramshackle barricade on the opposite side of the table.

7 Avoid tablecloths. A child will never be able to damage a wooden table by rubbing a slice of pizza on it. Tablecloths are a different matter entirely. Only eat at clothless establishments or get used to apologising relentlessly.

8 Be considerate. Yes, your child is your world but not everyone else’s, so try to let the other diners enjoy their meal as much as possible. Obviously a toddler is an uncontrollable timebomb of noise and emotion, but do whatever you can to minimise it. Take them out for walks. Load an iPad with CBeebies shows. Anything it takes not to become the most hated table in the restaurant.

9 Clean up. This is just basic politeness. When the meal is over, look down. Look at that wasteland of half-chewed breadsticks and splattered vegetables at your feet. It will take two seconds to bend down and pick it up. Even if you don’t leave it spotless, the staff will appreciate the gesture. Which brings me to the most important point of all …

10 Tip like you’ve never tipped before. I guarantee that you’ve been a difficult diner. You asked for special equipment and special dishes. You were noisy, disruptive and covered everything in a thick spray of mauled, saliva-covered penne. The least you can do is to tip a little more. And apologise on the way out. Remember, this won’t last for ever. Fifteen more years, tops.

@stuheritage