Photo via Ryan Ervin Photo via Ryan Ervin



A particularly hilarious little item comes our way this morning courtesy of local musician Ryan Ervin, and we're just going to ahead and file it in the Department of Best Things Ever. Local publishers GCA print a handful of newspapers — Nashville Today, Green Hills News, West Side News, Belle Meade News and a few others — that largely run the same content. Perhaps the most entertaining-slash-infuriating section in these papers is "Ticked Off," wherein fist-shaking Andy Rooney types complain about things like, according to Ervin, "traffic, high grocery prices and Obama."

This week, wedged in next to a letter directed at President Obama titled "No Credibility," is a letter written by an angry grandpa (or grandma) who obviously doesn't read the Scene. After explaining that "Ticked Off" is the "first thing I read in the newspaper every week" (thereby proving that he or she is indeed a seething cauldron of righteous rage), the ornery grandparent tells the story of visiting a "certain 8th Avenue record store" (are there any other than Grimey's?) and ... well, it's too priceless not to just quote directly:

I am ticked off at a certain 8th Avenue record store. I brought my grandson there to buy a record on Tuesday. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they still even make real records like we had back in the day. But the record he wanted, displayed prominently for all to see was by a local band called "Diarrhea Planet." The cover had a picture of a hand with a knife going through it. My grandson is 11 years old. I explained to him that both the cover and the name were disgusting, and I was having no part of it, and I told the clerk it was vile. If we have to live on a "diarrhea planet" show me where to get off!

Just ... how even ... I just ... I can't. First of all, as I noted in my feature, DP's name falls "somewhere between Butthole Surfers and the aforementioned Fucked Up on the 'honestly not that bad' end of the Offensive Band Name Spectrum." Second, by "picture," this person means "cartoon." Third, fuck it, I can't say anything that's funnier than the letter itself. So why don't we see what DP frontman Jordan Smith has to say about it?

"I don't really know what to say other than that I feel bad for the kid," says Smith. "It brings back memories from my own childhood. I remember trying to coax my mom into letting my buy Lit's A Place in the Sun and her telling me no because there was a picture of the band members drinking bloody marys and beers on the back. Hopefully this 11-year-old has access to a computer where he can download the record without his grandpa harshing his mellow, or an older sibling who can sneak him a copy under the table."