Sexy, Me?

Is sexy defined by the way you see yourself when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a passing mirror? Is it defined by the way you think your are perceived by others? If you say yes to any of these questions, you are sadly limiting your own possibilities.

In my twenties, yes I admit I was all about the way I looked. The hair cut and blow dried to perfection emulating the then sexy Farrah Fawcett. My blue eyes were defined expertly with black liner and mascara to make my eyes into bedroom eyes.

The jeans were so tight that I had to lay down on the bed to zip them up. All the better to show off my”assets” or so I thought then. I did attract the boys alright, like an elsie to its skin. It was a joke in my family of three sisters, how I had to spend an hour in the bathroom every morning just to go to first period math class.

Was this truly a beauty ritual to attract men in order to have sex” Or was I really trying to define who I thought I should be?

In my thirties all this changed. A new baby followed quickly by some health issues, i found myself lost. Who was this person in the mirror who was overweight and tired looking.

I no longer was the Cindy I knew and loved. I didn’t get the latest haircut, choosing to just wear my long hair pulled back in a hairband. The make-up disappeared and the skin tight jeans became jean overalls. “Gasp” I know, who could feel good in a pair of farmer overalls? I was clearly creating an outward appearance based on my own inner reflection.

For my thirty-sixth birthday present my husband of fifteen years wrapped up two giant boxes and wished me a happy birthday. As I eagerly unwrapped the boxes, the first one contained a new pair of Nike running shoes.The second a yoga mat and blocks.

Two weeks later, he told me I didn’t make him happy anymore and he left. Now I really didn’t know who that sexy Cindy was anymore when I peered into the mirror.

I spent a year trying to sort out which identity I truly was.

Now that I am in my forties I have come to realize sexy isn’t just how your body looks in lingerie. It isn’t defined by how many times a hot, muscular man ravishes your body.

Sexy is a state of being.

Menopausal women whose libido plummets to a flat line, can still remain sexy. How can that be when they are not having sex three times a week?.

Sexy is the inner “X” factor.

Confidence, inner stillness, generosity, or just letting your vulnerabilities show all can be defined as the term “sexy”.

I am currently an evolved sexy Cindy. Not the twenty year old who thought she had it all going on. Not the thirty year old who lost her way. But a happy, sexy woman who chose not to let others dictate my own sexiness.

So go ahead, release your inner sexy you.

Cindy Lee

October 21, 2012