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Many of you are now wondering how I got in here. "How did this fucking charlatan get in here?" I'm hearing. Well, it turns out that I live in the caverns beneath this multi-use performing arts center, where I spend my time eating food that slips through the floorboards, and mulling over the problems of our age.

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I also, and I have no shame about admitting this, sneak into the theater after everyone goes home and pleasure myself until the sun comes up.

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You see, you've hosted TED talks here many times now, and from my nest in the bowels of the facility, I have heard all of them, and after feeling inspired, immediately forgotten basically all of them.

Why did I keep forgetting them? What's the problem?

After considering this for awhile, and masturbating myself to sleep many, many times right where you sit, I decided to synthesize all the TED talks I heard into a single talk, to see if that offered any clues. And I think it did; that's what I just threw in your face, incidentally. Felt like a good way to drive a couple points home, and I was also pretty proud of that poo stalagmite metaphor I worked up.

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But what, other than the obvious tendencies toward over-simplification and patronization, did I find? Well, it would seem that smart people, or at least people who enjoy thinking they're smart, are very interested in feeling smart. We like getting things; it's the moment of revelation that everyone lusts for, not the seven months of research and dead ends that lead to it. And because we like these revelations so much, they've become a commodity, the production and consumption of which involve serious money. Entertainment money. We are the Everybody Loves Raymond of the MIT set.

I guess the masturbating subterranean troll in this analogy is Brad Garrett?

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Is there a solution to this? Well, if you're annoyed at the idea of being a consumer of someone's entertainment product, I think acknowledging the problem is a good first step. Stop being addicted to revelations, stop buying in to the Big Ideas industry. If you are interested in changing the world, understand that your big moment is likely going to come after months and years of hard work, and not from hearing someone else condense their years of hard work into a five-minute PowerPoint.

And if you're not interested in changing the world, like maybe you're just kind of tired today, that's fine. Enjoy consuming big ideas. Just, on behalf of your bosses, maybe don't consume so many of them when you have actual work to do.

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And that's it. I'd like to thank you for your time. I'd also like to thank Dr. G.K. Mutharasan for being such a good sport, and for being almost comically easy to overpower. Finally, if anyone wants to leave any food or tips, just tuck them into your seat cushions -- I'll get to those later. Probably just wash your hands after, I guess. Maybe ... maybe wash everything regardless.

-Big wave, smoke bomb, sprint for the exits-

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Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by Liking His Facebook page or Following Him On Twitter!