WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a Tucker Carlson episode in order to get a quick hour to himself. “I can’t take my eye off him for one second without him getting into some policy issue he’s not supposed to be touching, so sometimes I just have to throw on a show he likes to get him to sit and behave for a little while,” said Kelly, rubbing his temples and explaining how he was “completely wiped out” from dealing with temper tantrums and cleaning up a variety of messes the president had made throughout day, and how he was desperate for a brief moment of peace and quiet to recuperate. “I just grabbed him a baggie of Goldfish and put on the episode where Tucker talks about his crowd size in West Virginia—the president loves that one. He calms right down and just stares at the screen for an hour straight. I’ve tried to get him to sit quietly with a book, but it’s no use. His TV shows are the only thing that can hold his attention long enough for me to get a minute to sit down and take a breath.” At press time, the chief of staff, who had reportedly nodded off on the Oval Office couch, awoke to find President Trump running through the West Wing screaming wildly about the nation’s borders.

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