Whoot, there it is

Videogames, broadly speaking, handle dongs in one of two ways: There's randomization, such as in Rust, and there's the user selectable, as seen in Conan Exiles. The multiplayer survival game Scum will be taking the latter approach in its upcoming Wild Hunter update, which will enable players to customize their wangs using the same attribute points that determine strength, stamina, and intelligence.

A standalone slider for adjusting the size of your dong from one to ten inches can be seen in the peen screen up above, but a Devolver rep confirmed—because these are the kinds of questions I get paid to ask—that increasing the size of your package will require points that could otherwise be spent on more practical character attributes. But the opposite is also true: You can shrink your dink to boost those attributes beyond what they'd normally be.

I would like to think that's what all players would do—make their dongs as small as possible in order to be stronger, smarter, and tougher, which actually count for something—but the thing about that particular piece of anatomy is that it doesn't always inspire rational thinking. I can't help but wonder if all of this isn't actually some sort of bizarre psychosocial experiment: What percentage of Scum players will prioritize their endowment over more practical attributes and abilities that can actually help them survive in a violent, unforgiving world?

Owners of the Scum Supporters Pack will get an additional two inches on their unit, which they can swing around as a badge of honor or sacrifice for bonus points elsewhere. Not even kidding.

Ironically, the dong dilemma may not matter for most players anyway, as it's not currently clear whether beefy tackle will even be visible through pants. I asked the rep and was told that "guys at Devolver don't know about bulges." Okay then, sorry I brought it up.

The Wild Hunter update features quite a number of of non-dong-related new features as well, including bow and arrow skills for hunting and combat, new boars and goats that can be killed and then crafted into clothing (or territory-delineating heads-on-spikes, if that's your thing), and new musical instruments including a banjo, guitar, and harmonica. In fact, the rep said the new hunting mode and clothing are the real "meat" of the update, but the link to the asset archive was labeled "key art and dick pics," so I'm not sure that's actually true.

In any event, the Scum: Wild Hunter update goes live today. Enjoy some more new screens down below.