Mr. Lanceley said that during his 26 years with the F.B.I., his active listening skills caused perpetrators in various cases to confess, to ask if they could write him from jail or to even offer him a job. Mr. Lanceley advocated the following course of action: “Repeating what the other person says, we call that paraphrasing. ‘So what you’re telling me is that the F.B.I. screwed you over by doing this and that,’ and then you repeat back to him what he said. Also, emotional labeling: ‘You sound like you were hurt by that.’ ‘You sound like it must have been really annoying.’ Little verbal encouragements: ‘Unh-huh,’ ‘Mm-hmm.’ A nod of the head to let them know you’re there.”

Chris Voss, the F.B.I.’s former lead international hostage negotiator who is now the chief executive of the advisory firm Black Swan Group, elaborated on the concept of emotional labeling. “There are presenting emotions and there are underlying emotions,” he said. “The grumbly grandfather who doesn’t want to spend time at the holiday dinner table: the underlying emotion is that this guy feels passed by. He feels left out. He’s speaking up in his own dysfunctional way because he wants attention.”

Mr. Voss suggested that, instead of trying to bargain with the grandfather or acknowledge his presenting emotion by telling him he’s being impatient, you should address the underlying emotion with appreciation by saying: “We don’t see each other all that often. You feel like we don’t pay any attention to you at all and you only see us once a year, so why should you make time for us? But for us this is a real treat, and we want to hear what you have to talk about. We want to value this time with you because we feel left out of your life.”

Mr. Voss also praised the unsolicited apology. “There’ve been times,” he said, “with people I was close with, when I didn’t think I was wrong, but I said, ‘You know, I realize I’ve been a jerk this entire time.’ Well over half the time, people are going to respond positively to that. They’re going to make a reciprocating sort of confession. Then you’re started on the right track.”

Jennifer Higby, a detective with the Department of Public Safety in Kalamazoo, Mich., and a board member of the Michigan Association of Hostage Negotiators, concurred with Mr. Voss. “Say you’re sorry when you’re not sorry,” she said. “Let bygones be bygones. I lost my dad to cancer 18 months ago. You just never know when the last time you’re going to see someone is.”