In my head I was like, “uhhh, okayyy…”

You and I both know that the way to get someone to fall in love with you is to take an interest in their life & their thoughts, but not everyone is up to speed on this. Both

So what do you do?

You don't want to make a big stink about it and cause her to stop texting you. Because she's cute! And she might want to go out with you! And.............yeah, that's kind of all you’re going off of at this point ;)

But you can't just keep at it, because it just doesn't feel fun anymore. You're wondering "why the hell is she texting me? is it just to pass the time?"

And the answer, sadly, is probably. But not always. Some girls actually do this (unconsciously or consciously) as a bit of a test, to see how the guy reacts. Because most guys are either:

Too starved for female attention to do anything about it, or… Too easily angered and nasty when things don't go their way

And girls don't want either of those. And sure, you may be a very calm, collected person in general, but she doesn't know that yet – she has only just started to get to know you. When you are first getting to know someone, it's all about sending the right signals. Because as a species, we are hardwired to make snap judgments.

So here's what you should do:

Don't text back for a while. Give her the gift of missing hearing from you (a.k.a be unavailable). If she's interested, she will text you back and do her share to carry the conversation. Respond to her text, and add "your turn to ask me a question :)" This is a very light, playful way of letting her know that you're neither a doormat nor a monster, but that you value spending your time with people who are genuinely interested in getting to know you.

I have started being even more explicit, as I’ve realized how much I don’t want to date someone who does this. If it starts to feel like I am not getting much interest back, I will add this to the end of my message “When people only share about themselves, I assume they are not really interested in getting to know me, but let me know if I need to update my "understanding online human communications" programming 🤖”. This allows them the opportunity to act differently, although it’s usually too late, anyway.

Frankly, if you are at this point in a conversation, it is unlikely that either of these tactics will really “work,” as in get her to be interested in you. She’s either not interested and just passing the time (it happens, because women have lots of options when online dating, and talking to someone who is interested in you is validating) or she is communicating that she doesn’t value a back-and-forth communication style.

I know this might be a bummer, but ask yourself – do you really want to date someone like that?

I dated a girl who didn’t ask anything about me when we first started talking on Bumble. She even disappeared for a few months, before we had scheduled a date, but I stayed persistent and eventually we went out. However, I never felt like she took an active interest in getting to know me, even after we had been dating for a few months, and it always bothered me. When I asked her about it, she said “I just assume you will let me know if you want me to know something.”

So it’s not that she is a bad person, it’s just that we have different values. I am the type of person who values taking an active interest in the lives of the people closest to me, and bringing my sense of curiosity to my relationships so we can have deep, vulnerable conversations. My closest friends are people who share this value with me, so why would I not want that in a romantic partner?

Perhaps this is a lesson that comes with experience, because this argument would not have swayed me from dating this girl before I had that experience, because I really just wanted to date someone. But now I know what it is like to be in a relationship with the wrong person and constantly feel like my needs are not being met, especially in this area.

But if you are open to some wisdom from someone who has been through it before, trust that when you encounter this situation, it is a reliable indicator that the two of you are not compatible, and you are saving yourself from a shitty breakup down the road (although you may have some great cuddles & hot sex along the way – so I don’t blame you if you go for it).

On the off chance that the girl is just a little jaded (from all the other guys fucking it up out there) saying something like the above will let her know that you are not a little boy who becomes angry and nasty if she doesn't give him attention, but that you do have certain values, and that you are not willing to compromise on them. Personally, I also value brutal honesty, so I would rather be upfront and explicit about how I am interpreting her actions.

It can be scary to put forth your values in this way, but it is in your best interest. If she shares your values, this will bring you closer together. If she does not, it will drive you apart. In either case, you will be better off in your search for a sustainable relationship.