NRA Suggests Arming Doctors to Prevent Coronavirus Epidemic

FORT WASHINGTON, Md. — Wayne LaPierre, the chief executive of the National Rifle Association (NRA), unveiled a bold plan today to prevent further American coronavirus casualties by arming doctors and nurses on the front lines of this epidemic.

“Our hospitals are soft targets, and need to be fortified against these sick individuals before they can inflict mass casualties or martyr themselves at the altar of progressive, consumer-driven healthcare reform,” said LaPierre to attendees of the Conservative Political Action Conference. “The only way to stop a bad guy with coronavirus is a good guy with a gun and the cover of doctor-patient privilege.”

Conservatives were quick to embrace the NRA’s latest proposal, echoing their support for similar GOP-backed initiatives to reduce the number of school shooting fatalities.

“My kid got sick at school and they sent his dumb-ass home, and now we all got the flu or the coronavirus hoax or some shit… and now I gotta call in sick to work for real, and probably won’t get to smoke this weed I just scored for another week,” said concerned parent Jed Larsen, holdling back tears. “It pains my ass to think that none of this woulda happened if our school nurses were just given the training and firepower to put down these ‘patient zero’ kids before they get to fucking up all my shit.”

Despite support within the Trump administration as they direct the federal government’s response to the crisis, the NRA’s coronavirus plan has been met with resistance from medical experts and physicians on the ground.

“Look, I get that the point here is to sell more guns. But seriously, arming everyone with a college education can’t be your answer for everything,” said Dr. Sarita Shah. “I mean, and I’m no marketing genius, but how about if you made coronavirus-tipped bullets? Sure, the idea’s just as stupid and would probably do even more harm, but I bet you’d move a shit ton of those bad boys.”

The federal coronavirus taskforce, led by Vice President Mike Pence, is reportedly also considering a religious freedom exemption on acknowledging same-sex or extra-marital transmissions.