Owner of the Smallest Penis Pageant wants you to pick up the tiny torch [NSFW]

Culture By Lindsey Kline

The bar is slammed with orders for Penis Coladas. Eager attendees sip from penis-shaped straws, inhale the scent of penis potpourri, and take a seat at the much-anticipated announcement that the annual Smallest Penis Pageant is commencing.

Jesse Levitt, producer of the pageant and owner of the King’s County Saloon in Brooklyn where the event was exclusively held, has been preparing this competition for months. He recruited tiny-membered contestants from all over the country, invested in teeny tuxedos and skin tight speedos for the formal wear and swimwear segments, and sold hundreds of advance tickets and VIP packages to penis enthusiasts.

“A lot of people don’t realize that even a very DIY event like the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn still requires the efforts of many people to design the costumes, create the music, build the sets, run lights and sound, produce the show, not to mention all the great performers themselves,” Levitt tells us.

Jesse Levitt aimed to offer unendowed men a unique chance to gain positive recognition for something that society often looks down upon. After three years of producing an exhibition honoring our unhung heroes, his efforts proved to be an enormous victory. The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant became a national beacon of body positivity, and at long last, allowed men to see their small penis as a big asset.

As the story goes, the pageant was initially inspired by King’s County bar manager, Aimee Arciuolo. "One day, I happened to take a gentleman home and he had the smallest penis I had ever seen," Arciuolo recalls. "And basically, that man worked so hard for my pleasure that I remember telling my friends about it the next day, saying, 'We should throw a pageant for these guys, they work much harder than guys that are well hung.'"

When Aimee presented her epiphany to Jesse, the idea truly thrilled him. The two then created a vision of the event and enlisted all the help essential to creating an epic cock-centric extravaganza. While their direction undoubtedly contributed to the pageant’s years of success, it was the colorful host and shameless contestants that truly transformed one Bushwick bar’s silly antics into a celebrated national spectacle.

Credit: Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant Facebook page

Since its inception, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant has been hosted by a fiery black drag queen known as Chicken Bitches, who protects her contestants like little-chubbed chicklings. “These amazing men will do their best to earn your respect,” Chicken Bitches announces in his ritual opening speech. “If you came here to make fun, you better get the fuck out!” he cautions.

The rowdy crowds are composed of primarily ladies, and the panel of judges consists of female writers and stand-up comedians. The pageant is divided into three sections: formal wear, swimwear, and the talent portion. The costumes for each category are provided for contestants, but their attire never reveals naked shlong. New York law prohibits full-frontal nudity in public bars like his, Levitt tells us, so all penises are creatively covered behind skimpy thongs and banana hammocks.

Of all the pageant’s segments, it seems the swimsuit portion was consistently a crowd favorite. The “Cocksplash,” as it was fittingly referred to, is reminiscent of a wet tshirt contest, where contestants sensually strip down and armed audience members spray the exotic dancers with water guns.

Of course, no one could deny the dazzling performances of the pageant’s talent portion. “In terms of talent, everyone brought their best game to show off their personality and win over the crowd,” Levitt explains. “Most of the contestants did some form of comedy, dance, or music.”

Among the most notable displays of ability — a stand-up routine by 2013 champion Delivery Man, who delivered his act with a UPS hat on his head and a small, brown box over his genitals; and a sultry musical rendition of “Goldfinger” by 2015 champion Puzzlemaster, which Levitt describes as an absolute “show stopper.”

“The winner was not necessarily the person with the smallest member,” Levitt tells us. He then clarifies, ”They were all small. No one got on stage without a pre-check to make sure they were well below average. Our goal was to find the best representative of the small penis community.”

Yet in the quest to crown one man the king of tiny penis, an entire community celebrated dozens of contestants’ courage and creativity, fostering in them a newfound self-confidence. “I think that these guys were used to avoiding the subject of their penis size out of a sense of shame or inadequacy, and the SPB really gave them a chance to shine,” Levitt says.

Although Levitt has left Brooklyn and the Smallest Penis Pageant behind, he hopes to inspire others to carry on his tradition. He reflects fondly on the opportunity to showcase his neighborhood’s unique mix of personalities and put the community’s talents into the spotlight. If you’d like to continue Levitt’s legacy and support the conception that the men with the smallest dicks have the biggest balls, the tiny torch is yours for the taking.