WASHINGTON—Swearing this was the last time he would trust a seller on the street, Illinois Senator Dick Durbin was forced to watch the State of the Union address from home Tuesday after getting ripped off by a ticket scalper. “I should have known something was up when that sketchy asshole claimed he had awesome seats one row back from the president,” said Durbin, who curled up on his couch and picked at a bowl of microwave popcorn while watching U.S. legislators file into the House Chamber on his television. “Ugh, those goddamn tickets were clearly printed out at home. There wasn’t even a hologram on them. I never should have believed that sneaky bastard, but I had already bragged to my guests about the great seats I was going to get. What a waste of 800 bucks.”At press time, Durbin was reportedly offering soda and chips to the Dreamer family that he had invited to accompany him to the State of the Union address.

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