Why is “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music a Holiday song? When exactly did that happen? The context in which it’s sung in the musical (during a summer thunderstorm) isn’t exactly Christmas festive. I can only come up with two theories, both of which present problems. They are thus:

(1) The song references sleigh bells. However, merely referencing sleigh bells shouldn’t be enough to qualify it. Edgar Allan Poe’s poem “The Bells” references sleigh bells. Read it and then tell me it’s a Christmas poem. I dare you.

(2) The song is somehow a list of things the singer wants for Christmas. If so, Santa would like a word with you. The snowflakes aren’t going to last until Christmas, let alone stay on your nose and eyelashes. The raindrops on roses are going to be a little difficult to preserve as well. The wild geese aren’t going to appreciate being stuffed down the chimney, and don’t even think about what PETA would do if they heard about that. Furthermore, you should know by now that no one ever actually gets a pony for Christmas. Conceptually, silver-white winters that melt into springs are a little hard to fit in a stocking, and don’t you already have a doorbell? Also, brown is not a normal color for Christmas wrapping paper, and generally, we use ribbon, not string, to tie up Christmas presents.

Seriously, these are the things that keep me up at night.