WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT.

Note to self… Vicks and vaginas DO NOT mix.

I once had a friend who accidentally set her loins alight by masturbating after chopping a chilli. Her housemates, worried by all the screaming, rushed into her room to help, which obviously only added to her humiliation.

But that story is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, compared to this status update from a 34-week pregnant woman who got chilli oil on her vagina, before mistakenly being administered Vicks by her doctor.

The three day epic that is The Great Burnt Badger should probably be published across several leather-bound volumes, but in the meantime we’ll just have to settle for posting the whole Facebook post here.

The post appeared on a mums’ Facebook forum with a request for not identifying factors, so here goes:

NO NAMES PLEASE

ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION….

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT….

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT CHILLI OIL OR VICKS (YEAH THE SMELLY STUFF) ANYWHERE I REPEAT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA!

THIS COMES TO YOU VIA ME THE POOR SUCKER…. SITTING IN THE MATERNITY UNIT WITH MY A$$ AND SAID VAGINA BOILING THE ICE BUCKET IM SITTING IN…

I WANT TO GO BACK TO PEELING MY RAW EGGS (THAT WAS YESTERDAYS BABY BRAIN) NOW….

Im actually laughing…. could be the pain…. could be the stupidity…. could even be the pain relief…. but anyways… just DONT DO IT….

34 weeks pregnant…

DAY ONE OF THE GREAT BURNT BADGER…

Ok soooooooooo i hate chilli HATE IT…. but we have a chilli plant (HAD A PLANT…. I AM BURNING THAT EVIL DEMONIC BASTARD THING IF IF I EVER RECOVER) Im picking the poxy little things for the MR to pickle (he just looooooooooves the asshole to burn APPARENTLY well thats what i think) i picked these tiny pathetic little lava suckers…. get in the house and sneeze…. shit shit shit waddle waddle waddle i need to peeeeeeeee waddle waddle DONT LEAK DONT LEAK…. yes made it… omg soooooooooo good….. and wipe…. holy freaking shit balls mother fooker god damn im seeing stars the pains intense…. i scream…. hubby comes and gets me and puts me onto the bed…. im screaming and frashing about begging for something anything to stop the burn….. he gets a cold flannel…. it helps…. then Mr says ill put some vaseline on it…. in his rush he grabbed vicks…. he smoothers it on…. the shit just slides off as its too hot down stairs to stick BUT it does mat into my nice little mound of lady flufff the stuffs like superglue in cotton wool…..

I am now laying/tossing/thrashing about in bed and have a twat that is burned to the buggery, matted lady fluff thats like a little bush on fire (wish chilli bush was on fire) and i am too scared to pee…. mind due it would probably be cooler than i think…. my bumhole is just as hot…. Ever tried walking to a car with the demonic hell fire pits raging through your groin????!!!!! My legs were spread that damn wide trying to get a cool breeze the neighbours and all saw me wheeled out via the ambulance men again suprised they fitted me through the door as my legs still spread…. mind due the neighbours know my vag was on fire… i was quite vocal about it…. im going to have to move i think…..

The rate i am going i could probably write a book….

Im calling it

Baby brain fook ups and burnt badger

the MR says to me as i am sitting in my god damn ice bucket “honey arent you afraid the ice might i dont know slip in your bum or somewhere……..”

No asswipe no fooking way in hell would they do that as the fooking things fooking melt before they get anywhere fooking near it….

The nurses have asked him to go for a walk….

But yes i must admit hairs not a issue anymore(was trying to decided waxed shaved or trimmed for birth).. all smooth…. not sure whether it self combusted and burnt off… or they shaved me or it melted…. fantastic for hair removal….

Now….

I wonder if it will grow BACK…..

Its ok dinner at maternity has arrived…

Chilli con carne….

Can i possibly scream any louder?

I can hear Frozen’s “let it go” from the nursery….

Well hopefully tomorrow is better….

DAY 2….

Ok so the badger is recovered not as hot as it was…. farted though and the warm air set my butthole alight…. to scared to shit…. mind due the frozen condom ice pops are fantastic but everytime i walk it sounds like fanny farts…. still havent been game to look…. from the feel of things my poor flaps are hanging and feel like bubblewrap…. went for a checkup today…. they saw me and took all their strength not to laugh…. mind due im walking with my legs spread that far the baby will probably fall out…. one wrong move and i will do the splits… was laying down watching a cooking show with the MR hes still not game to come near me…. they were cooking clams…. he smiled adoringly at me…. i threw my coffee cup at his head asshole….

Day 3….

BURNT BADGER UPDATE….

MUST MOVE TOWNS STATES EVEN….

NEIGHBOURS LAUGH AND WAVE IF THEY SEE ME….

MATERNITY IS IN HYSTERICS AND BABIES ARE POPPING OUT FROM MUMS LAUGHING….

MY BADGER FEELS LIKE DRIED UP OLD LEATHER….

ALL OF THESE I CAN LIVE WITH….

MY FOOKING CONDOM ICE POLE BADGER COOLER…. WAIT FOR IT….

FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WOOLIES FRUIT AND VEG….

FELL

OUT

IN

FRONT

OF

MASS

AMOUNTS

OF

PEOPLE

A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE SHIT HEAD OF A TEENAGER SCREAMED HER DILDO FELL OUT…

YEP

WORSE STILL IM HOLDING A…. CUCUMBER….

MY FACIAL CHEEKS ARE NOW JUST AS RED AS THE BADGER…..

Now someone asked if i was wearing knickers…..

Yes i was wearing knickers….

Oh course i was wearing freaking undies did you miss my post about NASA searching my back yard for a ufo which turned out to be my massive fucking granny knickers blowing in the wind on the line?

I may be a little out there and all but i do NOT make a habit of running around knicker less….

But there again i also dont make a habit of rubbing chillis on my flange either…..

Nor screaming MY VAG IS ON FIRE….

But this last week i have burnt my badger…. i walk like i have a pineapple up my ass and freeze condoms full of slush and wedge it in my crack…. fuck it might as well go all out and just go naked….

Somebody please help.