I SAY IT'S TIME our "leaders" in Washington stopped blathering about sex and started paying attention to the issues that really matter to this nation, such as whether we should declare war on Canada.

I say: yes. I base this position on a shocking document that I have obtained via a conduit that I will identify here, for reasons of confidentiality, only as "the U.S. Postal Service." Here is a direct quote from this document:

"Step One: Before inflating Passionate Pam, be sure to smear plenty of ..."

Whoops! Wrong document! I meant to quote from an article in the July 1998 issue of Contractor magazine, which was sent to me by alert reader Steve Hill. The article, written by Rob Heselbarth, begins:

"WINDSOR, Ontario - Americans are crossing the Canadian border near Detroit to purchase 3.5-gallon-per-flush toilets."

That is correct: Canada has become a major supplier of illegal 3.5-gallon toilets. These toilets were banned by Congress in 1992 under the Energy Policy and Conservation Act, which decreed that henceforth U.S. citizens had to buy 1.6-gallon toilets, which would conserve a lot of water if they worked, which unfortunately most of them don't, the result being that U.S. citizens now spend more time flushing their toilets than on all other forms of exercise combined.

But that is not the point. The point is that 1.6-gallon toilets are the law of the land, and as the late Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter stated: "Just because Congress passes a stupid law, that is no excuse for awwwggh." Unfortunately, Justice Frankfurter died at that point, but most legal scholars believe he intended to finish his sentence by saying "... that is no excuse for people to go up to Canada and buy working toilets."

Yet that is exactly what is happening. The Contractor article quotes a Canadian plumbing wholesaler as follows: "We've definitely seen an increase in the sales of 3.5-gallon toilets. The people who buy them are mostly from the States. They tell us outright they're Americans who came here to buy them."

The article quotes officials of both the Department of Energy and the Environmental Protection Agency as stating that it is illegal to bring these toilets into the United States. But it also quotes a Customs Service official as saying that Customs makes no effort to confiscate the toilets. "As long as they tell us they have them," the official said, "it makes no difference to us."

In other words, people can simply waltz across our borders with illegal toilets supplied by ruthless Canadian toilet cartels headed by greed-crazed Canadian toilet kingpins who will stop at nothing to push their illicit wares on our vulnerable society. If you are a parent, consider this chilling scenario: Your child is attending a party, when another youngster - a "bad apple" - approaches and says, "Psst! Wanna try a 3.5-gallon Canadian toilet? All the other kids are doing it!" The next thing you know, your child is acting furtive and sneaking off to a "bad part of town" whenever nature calls. Your child is hooked.

Perhaps your parental reaction is: "My little Tommy would never do a thing like that!" Well, let me ask you a couple of questions:

* Do you fully comprehend the power of peer pressure?

* Are you aware that your child is not named "Tommy"?

* Did you realize that "peer pressure" was a toilet-related pun?

If you answered "yes" or "no," then maybe you are beginning to see why we, as a nation, need to send a clear message to the Canadians, in the form of either a sternly worded letter or a nuclear strike. Strong words, you say?

Perhaps you will change your mind when you hear what else Canada is exporting. I refer to an article sent in by alert reader Joe Kovanda from the June 1998 issue of Farm Times, reporting that Canada's foreign trading partners were complaining that shipments of Canadian feed barley contained excessive amounts of - get ready - deer excrement. The headline for this article, which I am not making up, states: "Deer Manure in Barley Miffs Japanese."

So there is little doubt that the entire world, or at least Japanese barley buyers, would stand with us if we put a stop to Canada's reign of terror; if we stood up to Canada and said: "Listen, Maple Breath, we are fed up with your efforts to destroy our way of life with your large, working toilets and your excessive deer doots, which by the way would be an excellent name for a rock band."

Some other advantages of declaring war on Canada are (1) It's one of the few foreign nations that average U.S. citizens - even possibly the CIA - can locate on a map; and (2) professional ice hockey would be canceled. There's virtually no downside! So I urge you to call your elected representatives today and tell them, in no uncertain terms: "I am strongly in favor, although don't ask me of what." Also let them know that we, the people, don't want to hear another word about this Washington sex scandal. Or, if we have to hear more, how about some new episodes? Speaking of which, I have to go; Passionate Pam has sprung a leak.

Pub Date: 11/01/98