Here’s a good one: according to France Football, the owners of Paris Saint-Germain are increasingly concerned that Zlatan Ibrahimovic is giving Qatar a bad name! The Swede’s recent angry outburst following a defeat to Bordeaux – during which Ibrahimovic suggested that France is a “shit country” that doesn’t deserve PSG – has got the club’s bosses fearing that some silly folks might start associating arrogant rich brats with Qatar! Word is the Qatari owners are giving serious consideration to giving the 33-year-old nearly £12m in return for the final year of his contract if he agrees to bugger off this summer. Paying to make bad news go away, that’s the Qatari way.

So who would want a troublesome striker deemed unmanageable by some? Hark, is that Brendan Rodgers flying to the rescue? Or just another plane calling on Rodgers to be sacked?

So who would want an ageing big-name striker who’ll command humongous wages? Say, are those Manchester United’s ears pricking up? If so, they can possibly hear the laughing of Jorge Mendes, who is the agent of both David de Gea and Radamel Falcao and is reportedly telling United that if they want to hold on to the goalkeeper this summer, then they have to keep the striker, too. Falcao is a striker, in case you’d forgotten.

As for Zlatan, the most likely destination for him is Milan, whose new Thai part-owner has his heart set on the Swede. He also quite fancies Roma’s Belgian midfielder Radja Nainggolan, who is being courted by United, too, as well as Manchester City. What is more, someone has convinced City that the answer to their left-back problems is Danny Rose, so they are going to submit a £15m offer for the player. Daniel Levy likes to drag big transfers out and it is expected that his approach to this one will involve … saying “thanks very much”.

Arsène Wenger, who is celebrated for his ability to spot French talent and snap it up from the non-French club that spotted it before him, has his keen eye set on Real Madrid centre-back Raphaël Varane, who was last seen losing sight of Carlos Tevez during Tuesday night’s Champions League semi-final. Arsenal are also mulling over bids for the Monaco’s Algerian centre-back Aymen Abdennour, Lyon’s tricky attacking midfielder Nabil Fekir and PSG’s reserve left-back Lucas Digne, though the latter is also being wooed by Juventus, who see him as the long-term replacement to Patrice Evra.

Chelsea are going shopping in France too, with José Mourinho eager to get Lyon’s ace goal-getter Alexandre Lacazette.

Twenty year-old Vitória Guimarães midfielder Bernard Mensah, who has been described as the new Yaya Touré by some and not Paul Pogba by others, is wanted by Manchester United. Meanwhile, Real Madrid are said to be closing in on Pogba.

Tottenham are checking out Marseille goalkeeper Steve Mandanda, with a view to signing Hugo Lloris’s deputy in the France squad if Lloris leaves White Hart Lane in the summer.

Bournemouth are poised to fork out a club record £5m for Sporting Braga striker Éder, who has scored 23 goals in 44 league games so far this season.

Finally, Newcastle have reportedly agreed to splurge £15m on Anderlecht’s Aleksandar Mitrovic, though the striker would presumably have to undergo a strict medical before signing and, if John Carver is still in charge, that would presumably entail having his nose bust and eyes cut just to make sure he has what it takes to represent the Toon.