We beg you, dear reader, to indulge your Curmudgeon as we engage in a bit of weekend parody. Having observed the chicanery of creationists, we feel that their style of argument can be applied to virtually anything. Behold, our refutation of the theory of meteor craters — Craterism:

1. Craterism is only a theory. It has never been proved.

2. Meteor craters have not been observed to happen, now or in the past.

3. Meteor craters have never been reproduced in the lab. Craterists can produce micro-craters, but have no laboratory evidence of macro-cratering.

4. Craterism is not scientific. It makes no predictions and is untestable.

5. The second law of thermodynamics prohibits meteor craters.

6. The odds against a random rock falling from the sky, striking the earth, and making a crater are astronomical.

7. Hitler’s military tactics were based on craterism. No craterism, no Hitler.

8. Meteor craters are not mentioned in the Bible, nor are “rocks from the sky.”

9. Craterism is a product of materialism and a Godless, naturalistic worldview.

10. Belief that rocks can fall from the sky promotes hedonism and amoral, animalistic behavior.

11. Thomas Jefferson said: “Gentlemen, I would rather believe that two Yankee professors would lie than believe that stones fall from heaven.”

12. Aristotle didn’t believe in Craterism. Nor did Galileo, Newton, or Einstein. Einstein said: “God does not play dice!” Are you smarter than Einstein?

13. Anyone who thinks there are rocks in the sky has rocks in his head. It takes more faith to believe in Craterism than it does to believe in the Tooth Fairy.

14. A so-called “meteor crater” could be the result of a volcano, or a sinkhole, or just a subterranean depression. Or — although the Craterist mind can’t grasp such a concept — it could have been designed to look like that. Craterists can’t prove otherwise! All they have is a “just so” story that one day, millions of years ago, a rock fell from the sky. What kind of a theory is that?

15. Craterism is a theory in crisis! Scientists are abandoning craterism because they know it is not supported by evidence. In ever-increasing numbers they are turning to IC — Intelligent Crater Theory.

The Intelligent Crater Theory Manifesto

Craterism is a “theory” that claims large rocks can fall from the sky . What damage can it do to young minds when they are indoctrinated with this “theory” promoted by so-called crater-scientists about a purposeless, chaotic, random world? How many lives have been destroyed by contemplating the meaningless absurdity of life when there is the constant fear of rocks falling from the sky? Clearly, such a precarious existence is too horrible to contemplate. How many suicides have been caused by the Craterist view of life?

What you rocks-from-the-sky cultists refuse to admit is that your “theory” was proposed and refined just before the 20th century, the most bloody century in mankind’s history. Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Craterists. Marx could have never have written Das Kapital if he didn’t believe that large rocks fell from the sky. Why do you fear the truth? Are you afraid they’ll cut off your government grants?

Do you think your schemes are unknown to us? Do you imagine we are unaware of how you whisper to our daughters: “Why preserve your chastity, young maiden, when at any moment a rock may fall upon us from the sky?”

Your materialistic Craterism is leading our women astray by robbing them of all hope of the future, of any reason to plan for the next generation. You are destroying the most basic foundation of our society — the family! — with your rocks-from-the-sky blasphemy! All of these lies are merely to satisfy your animalistic lust. Have you no shame?

Have you ever considered the tragic implications of your materialistic Meteor Crater Theory? Face the truth, for once in your wretched life! If everyone believes that random rocks can fall from the sky at any moment and kill us, then life has no meaning. Why shouldn’t we all run around raping and killing each other? Why study, why work, why save, why worry about morality, why care about the future? Everyone should just let the government handle things, while we lie back in a drug-induced stupor, engaged in animalistic fornication. Is that the kind of world you want?

Anyone who has daughters should homeschool them, to protect them from the Craterist propaganda that you and your ilk spread through the monopoly that Craterism enjoys in the government school system. We shall not rest until the evil of Craterism is expunged from our schools!

How do you know that a crater was caused by a falling rock? Can you prove it? Were you there? Gravity may have been different in the past. No one knows what the atmosphere was like, or what conditions on the ground were like. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Your whole Craterist “theory” is nothing but guesswork.

Face the facts! A so-called meteor crater is irreducibly complex. You have the central depression, the outer ridges, the rim, the debris field, the erosion — how could all of these features have flown together by purely random events? The odds against that are at least 1720 to one. If ever there was an undeniable example of Design, it’s the so-called “meteor” crater.

What we have in Arizona is an unwitnessed event, one which can’t be reproduced in the lab (except as absurdly unpersuasive micro-impacts), an event comprised of numerous features which can’t be explained by themselves, but only as part of an integrated whole, an event which can’t be dated due to the unreliability of radiometric dating techniques, an event which thus far has received only Godless, naturalistic “explanations” in the form of rocks randomly falling from the sky, an event which — even if it happened as long ago as the naturalist Craterist scientists claim — can’t be verified due to their ignorance of conditions so long ago, an event which seems to defy the odds by its very uniqueness, an event which miraculously mimics the shape of recently-observed crop circles — and this is the event which Godless naturalistic scientists want to teach to our children as a purely natural event.

So that you will know how your foolish Craterism fraud is coming unraveled, here we expose your cult’s website for all to see: Barringer Meteor Crater , which discloses the identity of your cult leader, Daniel Barringer, whom you no doubt worship in the dark of night as you dance around your crop circles, which symbolize your satanic craters.

The Founders of this great country did not believe in the blasphemy of Craterism. They had hope for the future. They built this nation as a Shining City on a Hill, as an example to all mankind. And now the Craterists claim that some random rock will come crashing down from the heavens to flatten the glorious work of the Founders. What un-American nonsense these deceivers preach!

Wake up!! The fraud of Craterism serves those who would be our masters. The fruit of their materialistic theory can only be despair and death!

[See also: The Scientific Case Against Powered Flight.]

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