REPORT: Cam Girl Only $1,000 Away from Falling Madly in Love with You

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — The cam girl you’ve been throwing money at when you should have been working from home is “probably about $1,000 or so” from falling madly in love with you, sources concerned for your mental health confirmed.

“I’ll never forget the moment we met: it was my eighth day of quarantine, and I was mindlessly browsing porn and ignoring my coworkers on Slack. That’s when I saw my future wife, BabySquirtz4U — she was like an angel that fell from heaven while deepthroating a double-sided dildo,” you said while checking which of your credit cards has the lowest APR. “I know some people would say giving my life savings to a cam girl is crazy, but love will make you do crazy things. Plus, the government is about to send everyone free cash, so I’ll just use that for rent and food next month.”

However, BabySquirtz4U insisted this whole thing is a gross misunderstanding, and your relationship is purely transactional.

“I’ve had some creeps here and there, but this is the first time someone had their mother watch a cam show so she could meet ‘her future daughter-in-law,’” said BabySquirtz4U. “For three hours I had to make small talk with a very sweet, 66-year-old woman while fielding requests for foot shots. Do you have any idea how unsettling it is to talk about where I grew up and about my family while inserting a plug the size of a Monster Energy can in my butthole?”

Indeed, your friend Trevor Morales grew extremely concerned after you sent them a hastily printed “Save the Date” card in the mail.

“Like a lot of people, I know you’ve been going stir crazy lately. But I’m breaking quarantine to come over. You have to snap out of it,” said Morales. “Man. I really thought your sexual rock bottom was in college, when you got shingles and convinced yourself you were in love with Kim Possible. This is way worse.”

The whirlwind romance came to an early end, however, after BabySquirtz4U broke your heart by “cheating on you” with her approximately 5,750 other viewers.