Dear Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,



I’m going to be blunt with you: the love you claim to have for me does not feel like love.

The way I feel about the love you claim to have for me is likely similar to the way a black man would feel if one of his friends claimed that they didn’t acceptblackness but nevertheless lovedhim despite this.

Homosexuality is just as much a part of me as my skin or hair color. It is an important part of my identity that I have struggled with for most of my life and have just recently grown to love and accept about myself.

Sincere love does not have conditions or qualifications; love that comes with qualifications or conditions is prejudice in a pretty dress . Someone who claims to love but not accept is someone who seems to be confused about what it means to love .

The fact that you seem to be drawing a parallel between my sexuality and your brother’salcoholism upsets and offends me. This is because alcoholism is objectively harmful: it

Devastates families,

Takes lives,

Ruins careers,

Ravages childhoods, and

Destroys lives.

Homosexuality is subjectively harmful only through the eyes of the prejudiced:

It devastates families when same-sex couples aren’t able to visit one another in the hospital despite decades of faithful commitment , for they are strangers to one another through the eyes of the government;

It takes lives when young adults kill themselves as a result of believing there’s something wrong with them because they hear messages from parents, priests, and role models telling them that they’re going to hell for being gay;

It ruins careers when teachers are fired and marked as sex offenders because concerned parents with prejudice assume that gay teachers will somehow teach their children to be gay;

It ravages childhoods when a tormented child spends every one of his birthday wishes on not being gay instead of spending them on the earnest things heterosexual children wish for;

It destroys lives when someone spends sixty years of his life in guilt-ridden solitude hoping that he’ll be able to pray himself into heterosexual attractions but nevertheless ultimately succumbs to the torments of isolation with the tightening of a noose and the kicking of a bucket.

It seems like you are grouping homosexual people with alcoholics and the adulterous. I also remember a comment you once made to my mom about how telling someone homosexuality is wrong is similar to how you would tell someone that robbing a bank is wrong. It thus seems like you’re also grouping homosexual people with criminals.

You seem to be saying that you love me despite my “homosexual lifestyle” in the same way you love your brother despite his alcoholism . You “whole heartedly disagree with” the lifestyle your brother is living, for he cheated on his wife and now lives with his girlfriend, a person with whom he shares many drinks. You are “totally against” this but realize that “it is his choice to make those decisions.”

It seems like you believe this is an apt parallel to make with respect to my “choice” to live a homosexual lifestyle. You probably wholeheartedly disagree with how I “choose” to be in relationships with men and likely “hope and pray” that I would not fornicate with a man. You would probably love for me to stop having relations with men but still “love [me] regardless of what [I] choose to do.”

I find this parallel to be incredibly offensive and misinformed. Choosing to cheat on one’s wife and follow down a path of alcoholism is not the same as choosing to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex.

I’ve talked to some other religious people about their views on homosexuality and I’ve received many responses that go something like this: “There’s nothing wrong with having the desire to be romantically involved with a member of the same sex—what’s wrong is acting upon these desires.”

I, quite frankly, find this view to be bullshit of the purest stench. It neglects the fact that I and everyone else who identifies as homosexual only have sexual desires for members of the same sex; I’m not confused, I wasn’t abused as a child, and it isn’t the case that I’m choosing to feel attracted to men.

If I’m not supposed to act upon my homosexual desires then that leaves me with nothing; I’m not sexually attracted to women and I never have been. I spent every one of my birthday wishes on trying to change this. I prayed hard every night trying to change this. I tried by force of will to change this, telling myself that I had crushes on women in order to convince myself that I wasn’t gay. None of these things worked and ultimately resulted in my becoming suicidal.

Humans do not have control over what they like.

Example: I hate cantaloupe. You could feed me cantaloupe every day for a year and I doubt that I would grow to like it. I don’t know why I don’t like it—I just don’t. I never have and probably never will. The taste just does not appeal to me in any way.

I similarly am not attracted to women. You could present me with the most beautiful woman in the world and I doubt I would feel sexually attracted to her. I don’t know why I’m not attracted to women—I’m just not. I never have been and probably never will be. The physical appearance of a woman just does not appeal to me in any way.

Imagine what a silly world it would be if some people believed that not liking cantaloupe was a cause to disagree with a person’s lifestyle, resulting in these people “hoping and praying” that they will realize what they’re missing and sincerely believing that these non-cantaloupe-eaters were living a lifestyle just as wrong as the “lifestyle” of an alcoholic or a criminal. This, old friend, is how I feel about people who claim to disagree with a “homosexual lifestyle”.

If the fact that I am sexually attracted to men and choose to act upon these desires is justification for you to group me and every other homosexual person into the same category as criminals and alcoholics, then I’m afraid you are not someone whose “love” I’m open to receiving, for it is a love that I believe comes from a place of twisted morality.

You’d like for me to tell you about some of the people I talk to. I’d love to:



I talked with a young boy. He lived in the South. He was Christian. The first words he said to me, with fear and despair in his voice, were: “Is it a sin to be gay?” I responded by asking him if he thought it was and if he did, why? He said that he did because his family and priest tell him that gay people are going to hell. He was talking to me because he feels like he might be gay and doesn’t want to go to hell. He told me that he couldn’t help feeling the way he did but was terrified because he wasn’t able to pray his feelings away. He had also been sent to “reparative therapy” by his family in order to “change” his sexual orientation. It didn’t work. The boy was thinking of hanging himself in his closet because he couldn’t bear the pain of being gay and believing that he was going to hell.

I didn’t tell him that he needed to pray harder or that he hadn’t fully accepted Jesus into his heart . I didn’t tell him that his parents should love him even though they might disagree with his lifestyle . I told him that he was exactly perfect the way he was and that no one should ever be ashamed about the way they feel , for people cannot help the way they feel . I also told him that I didn’t think being gay was a sin and that I knew of many other Christian people who also didn’t think being gay was a sin . I referred him to a website listing LGBT-friendly churches in his community . He didn’t end up hanging himself.

I talk to a lot of people like this.

Beliefs about homosexuality like the ones you hold instill a sense of self-hatred and insecurity in many members of the LGBT community. I hope that there someday will not be a need for work in LGBTQ suicide prevention, for the pain LGBT people feel is the byproduct of prejudice –both in its ugly natural state and in the pretty dresses it may wear.

Until our society grows to realize that homosexuality harms nothing but the sensibilities of the dogmatically religious, I will stop at nothing to continue doing the work I do and will take every opportunity to express my views to those who need to hear them the most.

-Danny