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A NEW mobile app which allows gardaí to access driver and vehicle histories instantly is set to revolutionise the way they can do you for having no tax, NCT or insurance, WWN can confirm.

Discontent with seizing just 9 cars a day from unaccompanied drivers, the new technology will allow gardaí to process fixed charge notices on the spot, cutting down on back office paperwork and drivers ‘bullshit excuses’.

“I speak for every member of the force when I say ‘you’re all fucked now’,” said Garda Commissioner Drew Harris.

“Oh, you’ve left your full licence at home? Bullshit! You don’t even have a licence. Oh, you’re waiting on the tax disc in the post? Bollocks! This car was written off two years ago!” Harris role played, now caressing the app playfully on his phone. “Listen up, folks; nothing is going to get past us anymore, we’re so sophisticated now and I’m sure nothing will ever go wrong with this piece of technology. We’re like Robocop now”.

Criticising the new app, local man Gerry Kane said the technology has gone a step to far and only picks on the vulnerable people who drive around with no tax, NCT or insurance.

“Where are we supposed to drive now, the fields?” Kane explained the problem, admitting that his photocopied certs may not be enough anymore to sail past checkpoints, “they can even check for fake discs, which is an absolute disgrace if you ask me. What am I supposed to do now – insure, tax and NCT my car?”