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Hoarding, doing a three quarter-ass job, the Trump balloon, how to pull teeth, filming white people filming black people, racial sensitivity training, stealing pants, the police are not customer service for life, the gender outrage porn gap, Cat Girl gets sued, Chris Chan Gets extorted, COBRA, Null, Palestine’s lasers on the moon, The Nihilist Devil’s Advocate, and Mental Jess considers a call-in; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

There are just a couple of tickets left for Road Rage: Atlanta: The Devil Goes Down on Georgia, August 4th at the Masquerade. Get on top of it! And for an extra treat, as of this post, I’ve been told Asterios’ Garage Comedy Tour kick-off show on Friday, August 3rd, is a go! Despite left-wing, liberal, Antifa threats of certain doxxing and harassment and ass-blasting devastation, like showing up with a gigantic, three-foot tall Asterios-wearing-a-diaper balloon-that’ll-really-send-him-packing, the show must go on! The Proud Boys will be on hand to provide security, memery, and a sense of pride. And anyone who is intending to fuck up Asterios’ famously alt-right comedy show with their pussy hat and their womb shoes and their daddy issues, be warned: if you take our hats, we will take your pants.

But first…

Null from Kiwi Farms calls in on today’s show with some hilarious and then saddening news: ChrisChan, the internet’s very first prehistoric lolcow, is being extorted. According to Null, a clandestine group hell bent on testing the limits of “edge” and also what is the absolute minimum in Gamestop gift cards someone can make during the commission of a felony, is using the forces of autism for evil, and they’ve been doing it for months! The tale is long and interesting, but the short version is, dark forces have built a laser weapon on the moon and they’re aiming at at Chris Chan’s personal kingdom of make believe, and the only thing that can stop them is SSI checks.

You can read more about it here. It’s an interesting read, as is everything on Kiwi Farms, but don’t get too bent out of shape about it. After all, the US has many systems of law enforcement in place to deal with exactly these sorts of circumstances.

Unless of course all of our law enforcement agencies were busy wasting their time on pointless horse shit. Like if the FBI was too busy texting each other like cunty teenage girls over who is going to be their new boss and aggressively pretending to be “Spies Like Us” while having unlimited access to a parallel-constructing surveillance machine that also has nudes. That would be an issue. Or if the cops themselves were too busy acting like customer service agents for life: another citizen’s use of narcotics is a problem for you? That sounds like a problem for customer service. Are other people not driving around wearing enough safety harnesses for you? No problem. Dispatching a customer service agent is as easy as dialing 9-1-1. Is the person you elect to spend most of your time with beating the hell out of you and you won’t leave because it’s too hard and you plan on not pressing charges later anyway? Don’t even think about it. The police will handle it. The police want your stay in America to be a pleasant one and worry free! Too many black guys in your Starbucks? No problem, we’ll send a customer service agent right out there directly to make your idiocy a systemic problem instead of just an idiot problem. After all, you’re paying a lot of money for this government. It’s only natural to have certain expectations.

Only if all those things are true would Chris Chan be in trouble.

This episode just goes to show you, the people who society considers the “worst” in the world sometimes really are best people–except for the worst of those people. Those people are terrible. And the best of the worst people. Those people are sometimes also the worst. They can be insufferable. It’s really the middle of the worst people. Those people are the best. Except for the worst of them…

“What’s Your Dad Like?” by /u/ichiroga and /u/TiltedAngle.



“20 Million Dollar Man (Piano Man Parody)” by Gingercat Productions.

“Post OP Trans” by Yamill.



Everyone’s favorite ChrisChan creation, Seanichu by HeHeSillyComics.





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