UPDATE YOUR RESUME

Your resume may only be a piece of paper, but so was the Declaration of Independence. Just as that famous document liberated our country from the oppression of British rule, your resume can liberate you from back-to-back episodes of “Murder, She Wrote” at three in the afternoon. So take the time to craft every sentence with care, and select a font that distracts not only from typos but from wildly long gaps in your employment history.

FRESHEN UP YOUR WARDROBE

As you read this, chances are you’re wearing a sweat suit with spaghetti sauce on one, if not both, of the sleeves. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone and treat yourself to a new outfit or two. You may be surprised at how much confidence you’ll gain just by dressing better. And how much additional confidence you’ll gain by deciding to eat with utensils again.

GET IN SHAPE

Your unemployed body is going through lots of changes. You may even notice that you’ve started to grow hair in new places. Like your ears. Tremendous weight gain is also very common after all those months on the couch. It’s important to remember that your outward appearance is critical to both how you feel and how others perceive you, so it stands to reason that if you go into an interview feeling overweight because you’re overweight, then people will perceive you as overweight when they look at you and weigh you.

FIND YOUR PASSION

This extended break in employment offers a rare moment to pause and assess what you really want to do with your life, to ask yourself difficult questions, like: Was I really fulfilled in my last job? What am I truly meant to do? Is this what a bedsore looks like? Make a list of your skills, a list of your dream jobs, a list of your favorite restaurants, a list of movies you want to see, a list of state capitals in alphabetical order. Keep making lists until someone responds to one of the four hundred resumes you’ve sent out.

PRACTICE YOUR INTERVIEW SKILLS

Interviewing is like riding a bike. A tandem bike with some guy named Howard sitting behind you asking one soul-crushing question after another. As annoying as Howard’s questions are, you’re too out of practice to even answer them. Try setting up a mock interview with a friend to work through answers to some likely questions, such as, “If you’re hired here, do you imagine that you’ll always sweat this much?”

BRUSH UP ON OLD SKILLS

Even the best of us can get a little rusty after a while. For instance, you may have been really good at typing when you were working, but now you’re really good at masturbating. Or you may have been skilled at developing creative PowerPoint presentations, but now you’re skilled at developing creative masturbation scenarios.

SOCIALIZE YOURSELF

Most office environments are very social, with lots of talking and hand gestures. The problem is, you’ve been living a solitary life for quite some time, and can’t be expected to jump right back into office banter. Try practicing water-cooler chitchat at home until you’re able to smooth out phrases like “Me like weekend, you like weekend?” And until neither of your nostrils have your fingers in them.

RECLAIM YOUR DIGNITY

It may feel like a distant memory, but try to think back to the time when you were employed and felt useful. When you had a place to report to every day, where people were counting on you for coffee and impromptu shoulder massages. Where, after three years, your boss still called you Rachel no matter how many times you reminded him that your name is Dan. Think about that time, and let it be a beacon that lights your way back to a life of purpose and meaning.

THINK POSITIVE

As tempting as it is to wallow in your situation, prospective employers can smell negativity a mile away, and it can feed on itself. You wake up one morning and think, What’s the point of getting up? Then you start making breakfast and think, Who cares? Then you start getting dressed and think, Why bother? The next thing you know, you’re wandering through the mall, famished and naked, with a crumpled Cinnabon application in your hand, wondering why you haven’t seen a paycheck in eighteen months.

IGNORE THE DOUBTERS

Depending on how long you’ve been unemployed, it’s likely there are people in your life who have trouble understanding why you don’t have a job yet. They want to be supportive, but have lost the ability to empathize with your situation. They may even question how hard you’re looking for a job at this point. You don’t need that kind of negative energy along with everything else you’re dealing with. Try making it clear to them that watching Elmo is a privilege. A privilege that Daddy is more than willing to take away if they keep up the back-talking.

Illustration by John Cuneo.