1. The ‘Yin Yang’, Conservative Adult & Prepubescent Boy

Who wore it best: Johnathon McAllister, 7 year-old, down the street

There’s a fine line between the man who won’t tolerate the face broom and the boy who aspires to grow one. There’s quite a bit of self-loathing between them. A conservative clean shaven look generally signifies dreams of upper management, or a submissive adherence to personal grooming policies as per company guidelines. Mr. Conservative, once the prepubescent boy with beard envy, is living in a virtual face prison with compliance to rules of the workplace. Yes, he earns a living — but at what cost?

2. The Patch Adams

Who wore it best: Daniel Radcliffe, 23 year-old, London, England

You can’t grow a beard but it won’t stop you from trying. Why should a silly thing like biology apply to you? Besides, having 60% of a beard is potentially good enough to avoid being carded for R-rated movies. Keep fighting the good fight, kid.

3. The ‘Little Taste of Italy’

Who wore it best: Mario, 31 years-old, Mushroom Kingdom

Aside from being slightly ironic, you give people the impression you could literally start making a pizza at any given moment.

4. The Dirtbag

Who wore it best: Fred Durst, 42 years-old, Gastonia, NC

Just despicable. The flavor saver down south has a tendency to smell like sweaty sausage mixed with vinegar. The type of dude who prefaces most comments with ‘no homo’. Talents best suited for life as a roadie.

5. The Chopper

Who wore it best: The Amish, PN

You’re in a metal band. You set yourself apart from the average crowd at a young age by pursuiting an eccentric talent such as juggling or unicycling, sprouting unusual facial hair allowed you to compensate at a later age. You’re actually an excellent dude, very mild mannered in nature.

6. The Wizard

Who wore it best: Gandalf the Grey, Ageless, Middle-Earth

You’re dirty and mysterious. You possess a timeless wisdom that others look up to. Friend to all cats.

7. The White Wizard

Who wore it best: Gandalf the White, Ageless, The Heavens

Like no. 6, only better.

8. The Horseshoe

Who wore it best: Holk Hogan, 59 years-old, Augusta, GA

You adore tight fitting muscle shirts and v-necks, anything to highlight your chiseled physique. Huge advocate for Slim Jims. Brawny man to be.

9. The Tickler

Who wore it best: John Waters, 66 years-old, Baltimore, MD

You’re a creep. Perfectly content with being written off as ‘some kind of pervert’. Mannequin collector.

10. The ‘Deal With It’

Who wore it best: Joaquin Phoenix, 38 years-old, San Juan, Puerto Rico

You don’t give a fuck. You’re the type of cynic with an elite taste in music that only travels via fixed gear bicycle. A fan of craft beer.

11. The Lumberjack

Who wore it best: Paul Bunyan, ???, The woods

Like no. 10, only you also have an ox.