With the economy already reeling from a crisis that’s barely begun, the Government today sought to provide reassurance to workers and businesses in the form of a massive phallic pun to insert much-needed cash into the private sector and help fight the looming pandemic.

Here are the key components:

$5.1 billion in wage subsidies for anyone who manages not to lose their job.

$50 million to one-up Australia – who recreated Covid-19 in a lab – by creating a much better, deadlier virus.

$70 million to James Cameron to please just stop delaying the Avatar sequels and not make them.

An extra $25 per week for beneficiaries.

An additional extra $2 a week for beneficiaries just to really grind Simon Bridges’ gears.

A $2 additional tax on beneficiaries because actually we don’t have that money, you’ll have to pay it back.

A massive tax on Pascal for making Snifters Lumps and not the proper ones.

$12 million for one teleconferencing system that actually works (to be shared by the whole country).

$3 million in hand sanitizer contrails.

$20 million to update anyone still infected with Covid-18.

$1 million to see if the Chatham Islands are still there, just in case we need them.

$870,000 in income protection for the most at-risk New Zealand First MPs.

One giant bar of soap for the whole country to share.

A virus sniffing dog after the last five virus sniffing dogs died of the virus.

One-off, lump sum payment of $63 million to Australia to send us Tom Hanks, who we promise to take very good care of.

A team of researchers to travel to North Korea to see if they can learn how the regime was able to prevent any cases of the disease.