Last week I attended a mohalla meeting and eavesdropped shamelessly. This is what I overheard:

“Boss… bhaari confusion ho raha hai in this election. I don’t know who to vote for… choice hi kidhar hai? We have to pick between looters, cheaters, gamblers, murderers, liars, robbers and what not. There are villains and vamps, item girls and action queens, maharajas and maharanis, billionaires and paupers, journalists and musicians… but not a single good candidate. Some people say ‘Vote for the party, not the person’. Others say ‘Don’t waste your vote’. While Sharad Pawar says, ‘Vote twice’. Who should I listen to?

Nowadays, I refuse to follow the news on TV because of the bad language politicians are freely using. My kids are picking up colourful abuses and my wife is saying she would rather watch Ragini MMS 2 – at least it is more honest. Today, Rakhi Sawant is contesting; tomorrow it could be Baby Doll Sunny Leone. I have nothing against anybody contesting, Bollywood wale log included. But if two women candidates are fighting over whose dimples are deeper, then it is time to be pareyshaan. Gul Panag jogs or cycles to meet her voters and points out that her rival Kirron Kher at 60 is too old to contest. Kirron hits back and calls Panag a liar for switching allegiance.

This is nothing compared to what senior netas are calling each other. I was blushing when my kids asked me what ‘napunsak’ meant. I said, ‘Go and ask Salman Khurshid, the man who was called a ‘cockroach’ by that angry lady Meenakshi Lekhi. Why insult poor cockroaches, I ask you? My wife was saying she likes men with 56-inch chests. I know she was taunting me for my 48-inch size. I could have compared my wife to Jaya Prada or Nagma… but I didn’t. See, we people in the janata class understand that it is not good to hit below the belt. Shouldn’t our leaders also follow some basic rules of decency? Narendra Modi calls Arvind Kejriwal a Pakistani agent and gives him a new name – AK49. This is as bad as Sonia Gandhi’s ‘maut ka saudagar’ jibe in 2007. But we can overlook that. Poor lady does not know the language. It is better if she makes speeches in Italian and hires an interpreter… at least her words won’t be distorted. Rahul Gandhi should not speak at all, and take a cue from Manmohan Singh, whose maun vrat was appreciated by one and all.

To add to the golmal, there are several veteran netas who are behaving worse than bachchas at a birthday party. Every kid wants a lollipop. The child who doesn’t get one complains to the mother. Jaswant Singh and LK Advani also want lollipops of their choice – strawberry, chocolate, lemon. Dotage happens. People of a certain age regress and become children again. But India is a Youngistan. This is no country for old men, sirs. That is the harsh reality. But let me also say this: voters do value experience and wisdom. All these 80-plus netas should behave like family elders. India desperately needs taujis but political taujis have to be men of stature who don’t call the prime minister a ‘nikamma’ or a ‘shikandi’.

Since dignity in public life has taken such a beating, my worry is that the coming weeks will witness a further erosion of civilized discourse and debate. We heard Imran Masood threatening to chop Narendra Modi into pieces. And we have heard several more hate speeches that have disturbed us greatly. If these are the pathetic choices in front of us, this election may turn out to be a real dud. We are counting on the 100 million first-time voters to turn up in impressive numbers. What if they don’t? What if the women of India also decide they have had enough of false promises and stay away? What if millions of others boycott the election out of sheer disillusionment? Is that what certain elements are secretly hoping for?

Frankly, I am disgusted and disappointed. What the hell, yaar. In such a gigantic country, kuch toh choice hona chahiye, boss! We know we are in deep trouble when Bappi Lahiri is given a ticket and he starts talking. Of course we can’t hear a word of what he’s saying because of the rattle of all those gold chains he wears! He reminds us of that saying, “Beware! All that glitters is not gold.”