CLEVELAND—Finding themselves hopelessly out of their depth despite years of training in emergency field medicine, a local team of paramedics told reporters Wednesday that they had no idea how difficult it would be to cut a dangerously drunk woman out of an Elmo costume. “Good God, how did she even breathe in this thing? There was almost no ventilation even before the vomiting started, and this head alone must weigh 20 pounds,” said veteran EMT Alex Iglesias, marveling at the costume’s extremely constrictive polyester-resin design, which was then layered with a thick, red furry material of some unknown origin that seemed designed to dull medical shears. “Of course the fucking zipper got stuck, and the fabric is too thick to get a needle through. Not only that, but she also used several layers of duct tape around the interior of the neck to keep the head from falling off, so I don’t know how we’re supposed to intubate her. We may have to use the actual Jaws of Life to get her out of there if she doesn’t stop flailing and asking us if we know where her friends went.” Iglesias and his team also say they have “no earthly idea” how the woman managed to get the liquor bottles into the costume with her.

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