What do atheists do for Christmas? Now that Thanksgiving is over, I’ve heard this question several times couched in the insulting manner that an atheist couldn’t possibly have fun on a Christian holiday.

First, it’s not a wholly Christian holiday. The holiday’s roots go back into pagan solstice holidays, and because the exact date of Christ’s birth is not known, early Church officials decided that Dec. 25 was as good a date as any. That it fell near Saturnalia meant that it could absorb many Roman pagans that didn’t want to give up their winter feasts and orgies.

Christmas has other pagan trappings, such as the Christmas tree.

Where does the tree appear in the Bible? Is a tree associated with Jesus? It’s not, as far as I can tell. But it is a very Germanic pagan symbol, especially if you set it on fire.

Is Santa Claus a Christian saint? No, he is a giant flying magical elf who puts toys in socks. I’m not sure if that is pagan or not, but it is blooming weird. Not Easter bunny weird or leprechaun weird, but still very strange.

The biggest criticism of Christmas I can think of isn’t even an objection about paganism: It’s the commercialism of Christmas. I find it both sad and funny that the man who threw the money changers out of the temple now has millions of people celebrating his birthday with greed and avarice.

Do you remember that old carol that goes something like, “Love and joy come to you and our Christmas Sales, too, and God bless you and send you a very big TV, and God bless you and send you a TV”? Me neither.

Now, I could argue that atheists shouldn’t celebrate any religious holiday, Christian or not. But the pagan stuff is innocuous enough that it shouldn’t offend, and nowhere in the rules of atheism do you find anything against greed.

Buying stuff is good for the economy, anyway. I know this because any time there is a crisis where money is scarce, the government tells me that I need to spend all my money to get more money. And then the economic experts tell me that if I don’t have any money to spend I should go and buy things on credit because imaginary money that doesn’t exist will help the economy get more money.

The Christmas stimulus is based on these principles. This is where buying stuff nobody needs cheers up the depressed economy because it pleases the great animal spirits in some way that nobody really understands.

If you weren’t out there on Black Friday, you were letting your country down.

So as an atheist, I call the holiday Saturnalia and do the general things one does on such a holiday: Smoke, drink, curse, hang out with homosexuals, put up a Saturnalia Tree, tell the children that Saturnalia Claus will be coming down the chimney with his sack full of gift cards and discount coupons for good atheist boys and girls, and most important of all — keep away from all that false holiday cheer people assume when they’re miserable and wish the whole holiday would just go away.