SAN FRANCISCO—With CEO Tim Cook stating that desperate customers would surely “line up like idiots” to purchase the offensive product anyway, Apple announced today the release of the company’s new iPhone 5, which features the word “nigger” boldly embossed on its back. “Sure, the new iPhone has the word ‘nigger’ printed right on it, but we all know you pathetic losers will still buy it in droves, because, hell, you’ll buy anything we put out,” Cook said in a press conference, describing the lightweight smartphone that will include a larger high-resolution display and have the racial slur printed in 36-point Helvetica font directly on its back, as well as on every accessory sold for the product. “Our technology ensures the word will brightly light up through whatever cover or sticker you may use in an attempt to obscure it, so don’t even try. You are all very stupid and sheeplike, and I will enjoy watching this play out.” Cook followed the iPhone 5 announcement with a brief preview of the company’s updated iPad, which will feature a loud, unchangeable ringtone of Roseanne Barr repeatedly yelling “faggot.”

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