Before

After

People have been telling me that cum gets rid of zits since I was sixteen years old. I remember my best friend Caroline saying, “It works. Look at me, I always get it on my face and I don’t have any zits.” She also insisted that if she didn’t have a boyfriend after a while she would break out. The verdict was that swallowing it was pretty good but nothing got rid of zits like getting it on your face. After years of standing by said rules I have decided to rent a tractor trailer and call a big, gigantic, heaping, six-thousand-million ton pile of bullshit on that school of thought. To prove it, my good friends Nick and Lisa put cum on one side of their face and moisturizer on the other FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. That’s right, every day Nick would summon some jizz and Lisa’s live-in boyfriend would do the same and they would both apply, compare, and contrast. At the end of every week they would take a Polaroid of the progress and summarize the differences between both cheeks. The verdict? You can’t see cum in Polaroids. DONNA DELIVA NICK: 24 YEARS OLD, NEW YORK, NY

Week One, July 1–July 8, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: The cum is making it feel tighter than the other side. Like it’s contracting. It doesn’t feel any smoother, though.

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: My usual moisturizer always leaves me a little greasy, and that’s more pronounced when the other cheek has cum on it.

Week Two, July 9–July 16, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: My skin is so sensitive that I thought my cheek would totally freak out, but I think that the cum is shielding me from all the gross New York dirt. It feels… I don’t know, solid?

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: Like I said, my skin is really tender so I use this super wimpy skin cream. I started to rub a little more of it in this week because compared to the cum, it seemed totally ineffectual. It feels like I’m getting a pimple now.

Week Three, July 17–July 24, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: I swear to god, I feel like Iron Man over there. Cum isn’t porous like lotion, you know? It’s like a protein mask. I’ll bet you could take a jackhammer to that cheek and I could just whistle the theme to Andy Griffith no problem.

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: This face cream smells like my granddad’s idea of the future, but it isn’t really working on my face. It’s so slimy that I have to wash the excess off. I can’t rub it all in!

Week Four—Final Week, July 25–August 1, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: This has been intense. I don’t think I’m going to keep it up every day, but I will use cum at least once a week on my face now. The best thing about this is that I have decided that everyone should masturbate twice a day. I really think that the world would be a better place.

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: Moisturizer is over for me. I think it’s a total scam. Compared to the results I got from using my own semen, it is child’s play. I’m so into fluid-recycling now that I’m starting to take those guys who drink their own piss seriously. VERDICT: You shouldn’t put any kind of cream on your face. I think that thing about cum being good for your skin is a myth straight men made up so women would suck their dicks more often. The store-bought cream gave me a zit and the man-made cream was just a pain in the ass. If I had to choose a winner I’d say the cum won by a very slim margin. LISA: 29 YEARS OLD, LONDON, UK

Week One, July 1–July 8, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: First off, it’s weird to stand in front of the mirror in the morning and rub a load into your cheek, and it feels strange going out with cum on my face. The cum side feels kind of strained, like the way you feel when you’ve been in salt water for too long. It does seem really soft, though.

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: I am very brand-loyal. I’ve been using the same cream since university. The smell is really comforting to me, and I am complimented all the time on how smooth my skin is. I am not thrilled about my other cheek doing without this stuff for a month.

Week Two, July 9–July 16, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: The cum cheek feels tighter, but very dry. It isn’t pleasant. I’m constantly wondering whether someone can tell if I have cum all over my face, too. I’ve taken to using more perfume just cuz I feel like I smell of spunk.

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: As good as always. I have taken to using a bit less each time I apply it. I wonder if that’s because it feels so much cleaner relative to the cum.

Week Three, July 17–July 24, 2003:

CUM CHEEK: I thought very seriously about giving up on the experiment this week. The cum is wreaking havoc on my face. I have never had dry skin before, and now it is flaking off in alarming amounts.

MOISTURIZER CHEEK: Perfectly smooth. It’s like the little baby that gets pampered while the teenage kid gets ignored.