A more coercive type of amae can occur in the workplace, for example if a boss makes excessive demands like expecting women employees to serve tea to visitors or clients. “Amae is not one thing,” says Behrens. “There’s been significant development from Doi’s definition [of prototypical amae between a mother and child] and now amae can be used in so many various contexts, including negative, where there are expectations that are unreasonable.”

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Expectation plays a big role in amae. “It starts with the assumption that your amae will be accepted,” says Behrens. “But sometimes the receiver is not happy,” as in the case of Doi and his patient. Not all Japanese are welcoming or tolerant of amae or engage in it, nor do attempts at eliciting amae succeed 100 percent of the time, Behrens notes. “Learning how to read people, what is an appropriate level of amae, who is the appropriate person to engage with, this a significant experience of growing up in Japan,” she observes.

And amae is always a game of two: a woman might act coquettishly playful towards her partner to elicit affection or colleagues might trade complaints of work frustrations to establish rapport. “Mutually accepted amae, where both doer and acceptor agree on going a bit outside the rules or social norms, can be fun and lead to a renewed intimacy,” says Behrens. “Even adult children might do amae towards their aging parents, for example by asking for their help, to make them feel good and needed.”



A dark side

But when amae goes wrong, it can lead to animosity or worse. It is “soft power... a means for the weaker party in a relationship, a child or employee, to elicit care or support from the stronger party,” says Christopher Harding, a senior lecturer in Asian history at the University of Edinburgh and author of Japan Story. But when wielded inappropriately, “it ends up being rather undemocratic, whether at home or at work.” Absolute adherence to amae can bolster hierarchical relationships and power imbalances. Behrens sees shades of amae in the abuses that catalysed the #MeToo movement and says that extreme demands under the guise of amae can be severely underreported in Japanese companies.