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And that’s Alberta in a nutshell. If all this seems confusing, take refuge in this metaphor. As a province we are The Smokers from the movie Waterworld. If you haven’t seen Waterworld, Waterworld is like Finding Nemo, except instead of a CGI clownfish it’s Kevin Costner with prosthetic gills behind his ears, he is rarely underwater, and he’s helping a child with a map tattooed to her back find dry land.

The central antagonists in the film are a gang of oil-obsessed industrypunk pirates led by Dennis Hopper known as The Smokers. They are us, and we are them, a grubby-faced manic bunch using outdated, dangerous, and rickety technology. They trawl the seas in the blown-out shell of the Exxon Valdez, high on gas fumes in aimless pursuit of a utopia they will never find, motivated solely by a gleeful fealty to their own self-imposed doom. The conduct of all parties this election cycle made it clear this metaphor is so exacting it is no longer poetry, it is science.

I am keen to note an enormous amount of money was sunk into the film Waterworld only to see it bust at the box office. It cost $235 million and grossed only $88 million, a good portion of which came from from me. Beguiled though I was by the hypnotic, post-apocalyptic monotony, the Jack London-esque struggle of man vs. nature, and the yonic slits gracing Kevin Costner’s under-ear, markets had moved on.

If my liberal bias hath offended thee, I want you to know that I do this out of necessity. I am funded by the Saudis, every time I write something anti-Kenney a prince personally e-transfers me five bucks, and the economy is tight. Someone tell Jason if he sends me even just 1 per cent of his “war room” budget, I’ll shut right up and write nothing but slobbering praise for the UCP. Every Titanic needs a band to play while it sinks. Welcome to the Big Tent.

Tim Mikula is a comedian, writer and artist based out of Edmonton. He can be found weekly at Rapidfire Theatre and is uncle to the world but father of none.