LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly panicked after realizing that time was running short, Kanye West was reportedly scrambling this week to get sample clearance from God ahead of the release of Jesus Is King. “We sampled God on pretty much every track, so if He doesn’t sign off, then I’m pretty much screwed,” said West, who expressed concern that the album’s release would be delayed once again if GOOD Music didn’t hear back from God’s people soon. “I actually know Jesus pretty well, so I’m reaching out to him to see if he can help us out. If not, we might have to slow down Mark 1:15, change the pitch of His booming voice a bit, and add some flanger and chorus. But He’ll still know we did it. He always knows.” At press time, a representative for the Supreme Being had informed West that God is very busy.

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