Debaltseve—breaking a months-long stalemate in the war between the Ukrainian government and Russian-backed rebels, Vladimir Putin today captured the key Ukrainian town of Debaltseve, killing dozens of Ukrainian soldiers and pushing the bulk of the army several miles to the west.

“We were pinned down in street fighting, taking cover from enemy fire, when all of a sudden this shirtless guy gallops up on a horse,” said a rebel soldier named Yuri. “He charged straight at the enemy lines, disabled their riflemen with some amazing judo moves, then drove the rest of them back with throwing stars and a blowgun.”

The Russian government denied that there had been any involvement of the Russian government in Putin’s remarkable one-man assault. “While early reports suggest that indeed a man named Vladimir Vladimirovich broke the back of the CIA-backed spy army in Debaltseve, there is no reason to believe that he had any affiliation with the Russian government,” said a spokesman. “Although if he did, he would probably be a wise leader, full of strength and vision but also compassionate to the needs of the poor and the sick, loved by children, and trusted by animals.”

Shortly after reversing the tide of the Ukrainian civil war, Putin led a flock of migrating cranes to their winter breeding grounds, helped a local sawmill meet its quota by knocking over hundreds of trees with his bare hands, and then went scuba-diving in a nearby pond and found several ancient amphorae. He was unable to find an additional forty dollars per barrel of oil, however, as he had previously promised to do.



We had a hard time choosing between this classic photo and one of Putin shooting a whale with a crossbow.