(Updated below)

Who is this combover shithead poking his head nervously around the corner? Why, it’s none other than Joseph Cassano, who should be high up on everyone’s list for a little game hunting this weekend. Joseph Cassano, the thief who created AIG’s Financial Products division–that’s the division that racked up $500 billion in losses. Yep, that’s half a trillion dollars–enough to provide health care for tens of millions of Americans, all gone–poof! All because of this fuckhead named Joseph Cassano. He’s doing fine though, thanks for asking–he’s got all the health care he needs and then some, thanks to the fact that while he bequeathed to us a half trillion dollar bill, he pocked for himself about $315 million. Plus after he was forced out of AIG last year, he awarded himself a $1 million monthly pension. That’s $1 million per month. Meanwhile, we’ve dropped $170 billion into AIG and that’s just so far, to clean up his mess… and we had to cough up another $450 million the other day to pay big fat bonuses to Cassano’s former colleagues in his Financial Products division. They must love Joe there!

But as awful as this sounds, at least there’s a silver lining to this story. A silver lining smeared with blood and cum, that is: yes, Joseph Cassano may soon be gagging on a heapin’ helpin’ o’ prison cock.

That’s right, according to the good folks at TPM, both the Justice Department and Britain’s Serious Fraud Office are pursuing criminal investigations into the way Cassano hid losses, lied to investors and the public, and forced one AIG accountant to resign, and forced Price Waterhouse to lay off the prying eyes, when they were on his trail of fraud. Latest news is that Cassano has hired himself a famous white-collar crime lawyer, F. Joseph Warin.

M’mmm, that’s a mighty perty mouth you’ve got there, Joe!

Maybe he’d be better off hiring himself a dentist to remove his teeth? Because we hear that the first thing they do to a guy like Cassano in prison is bash out all his teeth to make fucking his mouth a little easier. Joe, you might want to read this site, Men Can Stop Rape, just to get acquainted. Because you know, prison rape is no laughing matter. Unless it happens to you. Then it’s a screamer!

UPDATE: Ah, the good news just keeps a’-pourin’ in, folks. The New York Post published the names of three scared-shitless AIG pigs who gave themselves bonuses from taxpayer money. Their names are: James “Jackpot Jimmy” Haas, Douglas Poling and Jonathan Liebergall. Haas and Poling both live in Fairfield, Connecticut, while Liebergall lives in New Canaan, Connecticut. Here’s a photo of Haas outside his multi-gazillion-dollar Fairfield home, just in case you want to ID your target:

And here is “Jackpot Jimmy” Haas’s house in Fairfield:

James “Jackpot Jimmy” Hass’s mansion. Address: Sasco Hill Road, Fairfield, CT. Google It!

David Poling, who pocketed a $6.4 million bonus, relaxes in this mansion located up the street from his pal Jimmy’s, at Golden Pond Lane, Fairfield, CT. Google It!

So while Andrew Cuomo goes over the plusses and minuses of releasing the list of AIG bonus thieves (plusses: they suffer horribly; minuses: still thinking…), meanwhile, AIG’s employees are shitting in their pants and expecting the worst. Supposedly so scared that they’re actually doing what we want them to: both Haas and Poling are giving their money back, or so they say. That’s no reason not to ding-dong ditch them, but it does prove once again that violence works.

Here’s a memo that AIG sent out to its employees showing how scared shitless they are. Kinda looks like a memo that Americans visiting Iraq might receive–which means Americans are finally doing something right in the class war. Here’s the memo, this is pure Jiffy Pop popcorn fun to read:

Ah, it’s a joyous day in Mudville when the pigs who’ve been raking in billions at our expense are so scared that they have to hide who they are, whom they work for, and what they do!

And according to today’s New York Times, it’s not just AIG’s employees who are scared shitless. So are Bank of America’s:

An executive at Merrill Lynch, where bonuses have also come under fire, said that some employees had asked whether the firm would cover the cost of private security for them.

It gets better. With all these thieving shitheads on the run, the good people at Connecticut Working Families are arranging a Saturday bus tour of AIG executives’ homes.

If you want to sign up for the bus tour, click here. No seriously, this thing is really happening. So you can see exactly where the pigs live. You know, in case you’d wanna go back and visit them, sing them Christmas Carols, borrow some butter, whatever. But no funny stuff. Oh no, perish the thought, as the bus tour leader himself insists:

“We’re going to be peaceful and lawful in everything we do,” said Jon Green, the director of Connecticut Working Families. “I know there’s a lot of anger and a lot of rage about what’s happened. We’re not looking to foment that unnecessarily, but what we want to do is give folks in Bridgeport and Hartford and other parts of Connecticut who are struggling and losing their homes and their jobs and their health insurance an opportunity to see what kinds of lifestyle billions of dollars in credit-default swaps can buy.”

Yup. What you do after you see their billionaire lifestyles is really none of our business. Ultimately, only the executives are responsible for their own personal safety.

We at eXiled Online have already proposed a similar bus, but a much better bus, for AIG’s executives. A bus that could take care of this problem cleanly, efficiently, and in an environmentally-friendly manner. They’re Chinese-made buses, and they come equipped with lethal injection tables. We’re pretty hopeful that tomorrow’s bus ride is just a warm-up, and that the next time around, it’ll be a fleet of Chinese-made “Banker Recycling Vehicles” cruising Connecticut’s billionaire-rows, pruning the population to save us a lot of tax dollars that would otherwise go to their future bonuses and pensions, and also give the beleaguered kangaroo mouse, or whatever it is that’s endangered there, a little more room to scurry around in.

It’s been a great week for us in the Great Class War. Let’s hope we have more like them, only better.

Read Ames’ follow-up article about his depressing ride aboard the ACORN bus into AIG mansion land.

Mark Ames is the author of Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion from Reagan’s Workplaces to Clinton’s Columbine.

Click the cover & buy the book!