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AFTER closely reviewing our engagement and click through conversion rates with our stats team, this publication is to just use Greta Thunberg’s image for ‘rage clicks’ now in the hopes of further generating our online advertising revenues, WWN can confirm.

Admittedly, we could have used a headline that suggests she’s the voice of a generation, or indeed that she’s a sulky teenager who’s being exploited by people with an ‘agenda’, either way, we’ve realised what a lucrative story she is and how this particular image of her schooling the adult world really gets tensions boiling, and you idiots clicking.

Calling on several of our most controversial opinion columnists to chime into the conversation with their poorly thought out viewpoints, we expect to cover every possible angle on a 16-year-old girl who just wants to save the environment, while also amplifying ridiculous accusations around her mental health, agenda and political alliances.

“We’ll probably get another good few weeks out of this until the next bone of contention comes along,” expects newspaper editor, Paddy Browne, “whether it is an important story or not – that isn’t the point – the point is you’re buying into all of our praise for Greta and her climate action efforts, even though this publication, like others, is ultimately owned by a larger company that mistreats the environment like you mistreat your toilet bowl after a vindaloo”.

The Greta Thunberg story is expected to fizzle off like Jeffrey Eistein’s did before something else we know you don’t like pops up for us to capitalise on.