Food & Drink Things people say when you tell them you're a vegetarian/vegan

Lee Breslouer

Editor's note: since the team here at Thrillist mostly subsists on In-N-Out, fried chicken, and other foods that will make the future heart surgeons of America very wealthy, we asked comedian and vegan Myq Kaplan (he even has comedy albums named Vegan Mind Meld and Meat Robot!) to talk about the stupid things people say when you tell them you're vegan (or even vegetarian), and what he says in response: Do you mind if people eat meat in front of you?

"I don't! I mind factory farming, but if you're eating a meat sandwich (it's been a while, that's what carnivores eat, right? Meat sandwiches?), whether you're doing it across from me, in my peripheral vision, or sneakily behind my back, it's having the same effect on the world, so where you're eating it doesn't affect me. Unless you're trying to make me feel bad specifically by eating meat at me, if that's a thing, in which case I would mind that you're a jerk." So, you'll eat at a non-vegetarian restaurant?

"Sure! These days, more and more restaurants have vegetarian options, and I like to support them and order those things, because I feel as though my adding to the demand for those items might lead to there being even more of them, especially in aggregate with the demand for those items by other like-minded people. This one's not a joke! Just a real thought. Sometimes that's what life's about. Having real thoughts and sharing them. Ahh. Feels good."

Rachel Freeman

I could never give up cheese.

"No one's asking you to! I mean, a lot of times in life, we humans strive to better ourselves by rising up to face challenges, stretching ourselves to the limits of our comfort zones, and becoming the best that we can be. So, it sounds like a pretty pessimistic attitude to just start off assuming that you are too weak to defeat a desire for cheese. I believe in you more than that! Or maybe I'm just more strong-willed than you AND more strong-willed than cheese. Maybe it's the cheese that's MAKING you weak. It's a vicious circle. You're trapped in the Cheese Matrix." It must be hard limiting your diet.

"I actually eat way more adventurously than I did growing up, when I mostly just had hot dogs, pizza, pasta, and peanut butter and jelly. Then, when I became a vegetarian in college, I learned about Indian food, Vietnamese, Ethiopian, Cambodian, and tons of other things I'd never heard of or considered when I was growing up. Maybe I'm lucky that I grew up so gastronomically limited. But no one can eat everything all of the time anyway (though many are trying, I know, and others are filming it), so in a way, everyone's options are limited. As long as humans are mortal, we can only eat so much in our lifetimes." You don't know what you're missing!

"I actually do! I ate meat for more than half my life, and then made a choice to stop. So if either of us doesn't know what we're missing, it's you! I'm having the fullest experience possible! Part of life full of meat, and part of life full of non-meat! You're only having one of the two experiences. You're living a half-full life, with respect to this issue, in the way that I framed it to trick and trap you. (The less fun Halloween: 'Trick or Trap?')"

Andrew Zimmer