You know what else is insane, folks? All the special rights that minorities are asking for these days. Gay Americans want the right to be married in California. Mexican Americans want the right to drive through Arizona. And Muslim Americans want the right to be Muslim. But, if we keep giving them rights, there will be fewer rights left for us. That's just math. Well luckily, there is a way to preserve our rights, and it brings us to tonight's Wørd.

Original Spin

Folks, these bogus rights are being dished out by activist judges who claim the Constitution is a "living document" that transforms every time society shifts its views on an issue, like gay rights or how many fifths of me a black person is worth. To them, it just magically changes, as if James Madison wrote the Constitution on an Etch-A-Sketch. (Plot Of Next "National Treasure" Movie) But I say, a document should never change its meaning unless it's your health insurance policy and you just got sick. (It's Health Insurance, Not Sick Insurance)

Now, Supreme Court Justice and shaved walrus Antonin Scalia agrees with me on this. He's what's called a Constitutional originalist, saying, "I interpret (the Constitution) the way it was interpreted by society at the time." I've always said, a good Supreme Court Justice is a Constitutional scholar first, a time-traveling mind reader second. (Thursdays on ABC!)

And, as an originalist, Scalia argues that the idea that the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment protects women's rights is a "modern invention", because he says, in 1868 when it was written, "Nobody thought it was directed against sex discrimination". Evidently, back then, women hadn't been invented yet. (Made Do With Steam-Powered Friction Pump)

Plus, the 14th Amendment was created to protect the rights of newly freed slaves. That's why it strictly limits equal protection under the law to "All persons born or naturalized in the United States..." So all Scalia is saying is that women aren't persons. (Especially on "The Bachelor") Now, ladies, please, don't take it personally. Which you can't, since Constitutionally you aren't persons. Scalia wants you to have rights. That's why earlier this year, he joined the majority in the Citizens United ruling, which found that corporations are people, with Constitutional rights. So ladies, all you have to do is incorporate.

You see, if I refuse to hire Carol Morris as a camera operator, 'cause I don't want her menstrual cycle attracting bears to my studio, she has no legal recourse. But if I mess with Carol Morris, Inc., that corporate American can sue me for discrimination. Although, if her case ever made it to the Supreme Court, I think she'd have a rough time convincing the six persons remaining on the bench.

And gays, you don't have any protection from sexual discrimination either. Back in the 1860s, there were no gay people. (Just "Friends of Lincoln")

Folks, I believe strongly we should interpret every part of the Constitution just like Scalia does, as it was originally intended. For instance, Article I states that "The Congress shall have power to regulate commerce with foreign nations." But only the foreign nations that existed back then. So Scalia clearly wants to normalize trade relations with Prussia, Siam, and the Grand High Mufti of the Ottoman Empire. (Finally, An Affordable Fez!) And of course, Scalia must argue that the First Amendment only truly guarantees freedom of speech as it was spoken in 1791. And if you don't like his opinion, it's his right to say, "Go bugger a Hottentot, you leperous octoroon! (Oh No, Thou Hath Not!)

Now, if you're offended by Scalia's argument, perhaps you should defend your rights with force of arms. But remember, by this argument, the Second Amendment gives you the right to bear only blunderbusses and flintlock pistols. (Beware Of Drive-By Musketings)

Before all you minorities demand that Scalia recognize your equal rights, just ask yourself, were people like me living in America in the mid-19th century? And if not, put a cork in it. Because our longest serving Supreme Court Justice is still living in 1868. And that's the Wørd.