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coming out to my family tw: anxiety, suicide, puking

hey guys. really serious post today about... stuff... please dont ready any further if you dont want to be sad... tw: idk what the tags would be maybe family, asian, sexuality, puking, suicide, etc. .

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so yall probably know this about me by now but i guess ill just say it in words. im gay. ive never really HIDDEN it per say but just never elaborated it or told it to people (at least during high school) .

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DAY 1:

yesterday, my mom came into my room angry at me and started crying because she thought i hated her and was angry that i wasnt grateful enough for what her and my dad have done for me. and i was stressed about midterms, coronavirus, isolation, etc. that i was just not in a good head space and i broke down crying. during our conversation i told them i had anxiety and depression and thats why i might feel like im "isolating" myself or am not and cheery or peppy like they want me to be. i also let out that there were secrets that i didnt want to tell them and the interrogated me and pushed me so hard that i let it slip. i like boys. they were so shocked and said a chinese phrase that was basically "oh no..." + "this is not good" and i wasnt feeling anything at that point. they asked me when i started thinking like this and kept referring it as a disease and prodded me for more information. they asked me "so do you WANT to marry a man" and ofc i said "well, no... but" which they responded by asking "--then do you want to marry a woman?" and i replied "probably not". the conversation kept going for a while and i think we were all trying to process things so i wont get into much after this. moral being: i felt happy about letting this out and my parents reacted in a way that i thought was good. i felt glad.



DAY 2:

today. my mom pulled me into the kitchen to discuss some things and ofc. its about my sexuality again. she told me that she and my dad couldnt sleep at all last night because of what i told them and started breaking down and crying. my dad cried for the first time in my life and he could barely speak and my mom told me that they couldnt approve of my sexuality and just me as a person and then she started wretching and puking into the trash can. i... probably dont need to explain how i felt. my heart shattered. i dont know what happened but somehow, this progress that i made yesterday seemed to have reverted. i... was told by my parents repeatedly that i couldnt do this to them. i wasnt american. i was chinese. they emphasized that even though my sister is married, her kid isnt technically a part of our bloodline since the kids name ends with the last name of my brother in law. they told me that everything theyve worked for, done for, in the past 10 years was to help me start my own family and how i cant exist the way i am today because of that. they werent able to accept me. i asked them if they would rather i marry a man and be happy or to kill myself and they told me they preferred the latter. i broke. not in the crying sense of way, but just... broke. they told me they would be the laughingstock of the family which i told them i didnt understand because they didnt need to tell anyone and i even stressed that i would keep it to myself. they told me no. and kept looking at me in the eyes and telling me that they wanted to cure me. they told me that they were disgusted. the conversation shifted a bit and it changed into the topic of my anxiety and depression and i just gave up. i agreed with everything they said. i told them "i told you yesterday that this is only present me -- haha! didnt i tell you that sexuality is fluid?!" of course they misinterpreted this as hope that i could be straight and i know they thought that which i played along with. i managed to convince them that i was only kidding about my gayness yesterday and comforted them that i could change. i would change -- for their sake. of course its all bullshit. i feel like shit for lying to them. but what else can i do? they literally threw up in front of me because of my identity. i am their source of pain. i am the greatest source of hurt for them. im a living testament (at least to them) they they were failures as parents for not being straight. the only thing i can do is just bear the pain inside and suffer. im willing to do that. i probably wont ever come to terms with myself. i feel embarassed and hurt about what i said and their reactions. i wish i took everything back. because nothing will probably be the same again. i made the biggest mistake of my life and i just want to... not exist. i wish i had a happy ending. i really so. im sorry to everyone that ive pushed away. to everyone that ive ignored. im not good as a person. or a friend. but i'm grateful for everyone that has listened to me. i appreciate yall so much. im really tired of everything. i wish i could escape this cage im in. everything feels... unreal right now? unsure. sorry for putting you guys through so much pain as well. im sorry i only deliver negative content in my posts. i wouldnt blame you guys if you didnt want to talk to me either but... i guess this post is mostly for myself anyways.

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