Char Kurland, a longtime liberal, is used to being that happy-go-lucky person who smiles all the time. She is a semiretired clown — stage name Chaku the Children Chuckler. Now, she's waking in the middle of the night and feeling tense all day, under a "constant cloud" that is new to her. It doesn't help that she is Jewish and married to a woman, which became possible only three years ago after a relationship that has spanned more than two decades. Even when she disagreed with past leaders, she felt they were intelligent. They read and talked to experts before they made decisions. She questions that now.