The Los Angeles Football Monopoly is back in South Central.

USC has finally used it’s “Get Out Of Jail, Free” card and looking to buy up all the properties for 2017.

UCLA drew a Community Chest and won 2nd place in a beauty contest. Collect $10.

You’re welcome UCLA. You no longer need to care about football anymore. You’re back to being the Tiffany Trump of Los Angeles. You had a fun three to four year run and now it’s over. And by fun, I mean, you just beat us at the end of the year to validate your underwhelming seasons built on high expectations.

When the scholarship sanctions and bowl bans were delivered, you had a perfect opportunity to seize control of the rivalry. Instead you hired Rick Neuheisel and Jim Mora and found ways to still lose to us in recruiting.

It’s honestly astonishing that the Bruins were given such a golden opportunity to become relevant again and just decided they weren’t quite ready for the spotlight.

Game Recap

Highlights

Pre-Game

Didn’t know the Rose Bowl was a safe space. Can’t have Tommy Trojan assert any microaggressions towards the defenseless grass.

First Quarter

USC 0 — UCLA 7 Jordan Lasley 56 Yard pass from Mike Fafaul

I honestly don’t know what happened on this play. It was like the batteries on Jackson’s controller ran out and he just froze after Lasley caught the ball. A rare mistake by Adoree’ turns this 11-yard gain and a very quick touchdown. I swear I didn’t panic here.

Okay, I panicked.

Not to be outdone by the scrubs in baby blue, Darnold and JuJu had their own pitch and catch leading to yet another “You Got Mossed” highlight for the Trojans.

Unfortunately, on the stretch towards the end zone, JuJu injured his right arm and had to exit the game. This would be one of several injuries Smith-Schuster would suffer over the course of the game, but he kept coming back like the Black Knight in Monty Python.

“Tis but a hip flexor”

USC 7 — UCLA 7 Ronald Jones II 1 Yard Run

Not too much battery power wasted on this touchdown drive by the Texas Tesla.

Second Quarter

At his current pace, Rasheem Green will block at least 24 field goals in his college career.

But, given the holiday spirit, we’d settle for a field goal block turkey this Saturday.

“That’s a Dam Sarnold right there”.

There needs to be a term for the scheduled bad throw or fumble Darnold makes every game. This year we’ll call it a “freshman mistake,” the year after that it’ll be a “sophomore slip up” and when he eventually makes it to the NFL we’ll just call him an “ol’ gunslinger”.

USC 7 — UCLA 14 Jordan Lasley 7 Yard pass from Mike Fafaul

Thanksgiving came a week early, as Adoree was getting cooked by Jordan Lasley in the first half.

Let’s just say Trojans’ fans weren’t exactly feeling too confident after this drive.

USC 14 — UCLA 14 Ronald Jones II 60 Yd Run

Thankfully, the Texas Tesla turned on Ludicrous Mode and went 60 yards for the quick response. Trojans really showing their mettle in the first half by not letting the game get away from them.

USC 20 — UCLA 14 De’Quan Hampton 31 Yard pass from Sam Darnold

With JuJu basically playing with one leg and half an arm, someone on the Trojan’s receiving corps had to step up, and that man was senior De’Quan Hampton. Buried on the depth chart all year, Hampton jumped at the opportunity (literally), snagging the ball in double coverage.

This throw is incredible. I’m adopting Darnold as one of my sons.

Boermeester, suffering from the yips in the first half and me jinxing him by calling him “Auto-Matt-ic”, doinked the field goal preventing USC from going 21 Savage.

Our defense gave you a couple of free samples, but eventually, you’re going to have to buy something, UCLA.

After the rocky first quarter, our defense made incredible adjustments not allowing a single point for the rest of the game.

The adjustment we made to stop a senior walk-on at quarterback and the second worst rushing offense in the nation: Stop playing like sh*t.

Surprised ESPN was able to find UCLA fans during this game. Saw a lot of cardinal and gold all throughout the Rose Bowl.

Beanie and a hot coffee? Either Global Warming is real (it isn’t, just check Freedom Eagle Dot Facebook) or this student wanted to justify some of her winter clothes purchases before the season ended.

With a 3rd and 36 at midfield for the Trojans, Darnold made a savvy business decision to throw up an arm punt. Besides the slight chance of the interception being returned for the touchdown, there was no downside to this play. If the Trojans catch it, it’s a touchdown. If it’s incomplete, we punt and UCLA gets the ball at the same position they ended up with. And if it ends up in a UCLA defender’s hands, he takes it about 23 yards.

And with arm punts, you allow the opportunity for 300-pound linemen to destroy feeble defenders from trying to block.

Viane wasn’t even going for the ball. He just picked out the smallest player he could, ran full speed, and CRUSHED HIM

USC 23 — UCLA 14 Matt Boermeester 30 Yard Field Goal

Not quite the two minute drill we’ve seen over the past couple weeks. A regression to the mean, as the Trojan offense made some questionable decisions burning timeouts and spiking the ball on third down instead of taking a shot at the end zone. But points are points, and after a very shaky first half, any Trojan fan would have to be pleased with a nine-point lead.

Hopefully the fans in the stadium embraced their inner New Yorker theatergoer, and booed this performance mercilessly. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Third Quarter

USC 30 — UCLA 14 De’Quan Hampton 6 Yard pass from Sam Darnold

(Whachu doin’?)

Nothing chillin’ at the Hampton Inn

(Who you wit?)

De’Quan and Darnold, won’t you bring some Trojans

(What we gon’ do?)

Ring the bell as loud as Big Ben

One TD leading to another let the party begin

Hey Drake, I’m available as a ghostwriter if you need me.

The game was essentially over at this point (it was really over at halftime). From the start of the third quarter it seemed as if the Trojans were just trying to run out the clock and get home. Can’t blame them. 7:30 kickoffs are awful, some of them probably had some sorority invites to get to. The line for the 901 Bar and Grill can really build up if you don’t get there by 11:00. They used to be able to cut the line but it got really awkward when they wouldn’t let Max Browne short line with Darnold anymore.

Fourth Quarter

Team looks a little worried about holding their fourth quarter lead.

Really rattled. I don’t know how we survived.

UCLA cutting ties and leaving early? No way!

Looks like the 7th inning of a Dodgers playoff game.

USC 33 — UCLA 14 Matt Boermeester 32 Yard Field Goal

A touchdown would have been a better way to cap off this 18-play, nine minute drive, but having possession for over forty minutes is a good recipe for victory. It was also good for UCLA because they were able to keep their embarrassment of an offense off of national TV.

We had the football for so long, I don’t think UCLA remembered what it looked like. I mean, they are going to end up 4–8, they might not have known what it looked like to begin with.

USC 36 — UCLA 14 Matt Boermeester 25 Yard Field Goal

After a rough first half, Boermeester returned to his “Auto-Matt-ic” ways with a career high in field goals made in a game. Unlike Charles Barkley on a golf course, our special teams were able to overcome our first half yips

Big(gie) game for Marshall.

Bad game for people who think he should be playing safety.

I’ve already heard from anonymous NFL scouts that Juju’s inability to win simple mind games like Rock, Paper, Scissors will surely effect his draft stock. They are looking for a wide receiver that chooses paper on the first draw.

With an elephant-sized victory, it’s time to play Tusk!

Didn’t hear much of the 8-clap past the first quarter. The Trojans must have taken some penicillin for that STD sounding cheer.

One rivalry down, one to go.

USC can still win the Pac-12. USC can still make the Rose Bowl. Hell, the College Football Playoff isn’t completely out of the picture. I honestly don’t know what is going on, but I am just going to sit back and enjoy the rest of this wild ride.

Never forget Bruins: U Can Lose Again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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