Militia leaders in Oregon want people responding to their plea for supplies to stop yanking their chain—by sending them sex toys. The self-styled patriots who took over a national wildlife refuge in southeastern Oregon released a wish list with more than 85 items ranging from food, clothing and medications to hygiene products, underwear and tampons. But it's the gag shipments of dildos and other assorted bedroom items that really got a rise out of the militiamen. —the New York Post

Photograph by Cem Ozdel / Anadolu Agency / Getty

In response to recent shipments of "supplies," here is a new list of requests issued by militia leaders in Oregon:

For people to stop referring to us as the "Oregon militia." We now want to be known as "Bald Eagle Extreme Gang Patriots Constitution Lovers of the U.S. of A."

A tattoo gun

A tattoo artist who can tattoo "Bald Eagle Extreme Gang Patriots Constitution Lovers of the U.S. of A." on all of our backs

A machine that allows us to talk to and understand the birds on the wildlife refuge in case we get lonely

Sleeping bags with built-in alarm clocks that make bald-eagle noises

Fewer dildos

Camouflage pants

Camouflage shirts

Camouflage cigarettes that can't be seen at night

A choreographer

A dance routine that can be performed by a hundred and fifty men holding assault rifles and that ends in a human pyramid

The human pyramid should spell out "We Love and Fully Understand the Constitution"

Dance shoes for a hundred and fifty men

For people to stop saying that we're dumb!

For people to start saying we're smart!

Land

Sand

Ayn Rand

If she's not available, Ayn Rand audiobooks

Pillows

Pillowcases

Medical supplies in case the pillow fight gets too serious

Hay

Candles

A wall to separate the candles from the hay to prevent further burning incidents

Water

Thermal underwear

Water-resistant thermal underwear

Patriotic games like Constitutional Twister and Guess Who Is a Patriot? Yes, It's Me, the Person Who Provides a Narrow, Self-serving Definition of Patriotism

Eggs

Bacon

A trebuchet to sling uncooked eggs and bacon at the liberal media

Ten large Pizza Hut Constitution Lovers pizzas

Ice

Ice cream

The hearts of ice ripped from the chests of our oppressive government officials

Throw rugs, but, like, ones that are tasteful. Maybe with a flaming skull wrapped in an American flag on top of a motorbike?

To go home