My 2-Year-Old Is Toxic, So I’m Cutting Her Out Of My Life

It’s all give and no take with my toddler, and I’m over it.

She’s so draining, and it’s just not worth it anymore.

It’s 2019 and my new year’s resolution is to cut toxic people out of my life, starting with my toddler. I find myself complaining about her constantly to friends and she causes me so much anxiety, it’s just not worth it to maintain this relationship anymore. Here’s what makes her behavior so toxic:

Plans always have to be on her terms

When she wanted to watch Sesame Street, I watched it with her. I even danced along with her when Cookie Monster sang “You Have Cookie (Share It Maybe).” But I ask to go to brunch at Le Cou Cou one time and she literally poops herself to get out of it.

She has to be the center of attention

I was FaceTiming with my mom and telling her about how I’ve been promoted from Associate Account Executive to Account Executive, when suddenly she ran up to me and screamed, “Gamma! Gamma!” until I gave her the phone. Then she babbled on about Daniel Tiger for like 10 minutes, and then my mom had to go! We didn’t even get to talk about my life-changing career move.

She refuses to take responsibility

The other day she smelled like she had a poopy diaper, so I said, “Sweetie, do you have a poopy diaper?” She kept scribbling in her “Horton Hears A Who!” coloring book and shouted “No!” Well, I went to change her and there was poop in her diaper. She wouldn’t even own up to it as I was elbow-deep sifting through her feces. The diaper was poopy, Denise. It was poopy.

She loves to play the victim

She was running around the jungle gym at the park when she fell down and immediately burst into tears. I gave her a Hershey’s kiss and she stopped crying immediately. She wasn’t even hurt! She was just crying for attention. She didn’t even bother to ask how my sciatica was.

She lies about everything, big and small

When I asked from the kitchen if she had cleaned her toys out of the living room before snack time, she said, “Yes mommy.” Lo and behold, I come out with a plate of cinnamon applesauce jammers and my foot lands right on the jagged edge of a Duplo block. “Wow, great job cleaning up,” I said, because I couldn’t help but be a little passive aggressive, but she was too busy smearing jammer on her face to notice.

For these reasons, I am cutting my toddler out of my life. I know this is controversial; friends have asked me, “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” and, “Isn’t that child neglect?” But I’m resolved. If she wants to critically examine her behaviors and talk to me in the future (and learns how to speak in complete sentences), I welcome that conversation. For now, you can find me at Le Cou Cou, enjoying a poop-free Bloody Mary.