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I grew up in the church. My father is a lifelong member, descended from many great and noble pioneers. My mother is a convert with a powerful story. I attended church with them almost every week throughout my childhood. I felt the spirit strongly at Girls’ Camps and Youth Conferences. I loved my leaders and I wanted to share all of the good that I felt. I remember standing in the Women’s Garden in Nauvoo, IL, completely overwhelmed by the Spirit I felt there. I wanted everyone in the world to feel the exact way I felt that night.

Soon after, I was off to BYU, where I would watch the historic announcement that young women would be able to serve missions at the age of 19 instead of 21. I returned to the state of excitement about sharing the gospel and sharing the feeling of warmth and joy I had felt through the Spirit. I strongly considered going on a mission. I prayed fervently, attended the temple, and even opened my mission application.

But then, one day in the temple, I felt the prompting to read D&C 25 (to refresh your memory, this is the revelation for Emma Smith). I read it, seeing the call for Emma to focus on her marriage, her callings, and her faith. I took this to mean, and felt strongly, that I should not go on a mission, and proceeded to close my application.

I often forget that I went through that decision making process. And I often forget how firm my testimony was at that time. I feel as though I made the right choice for myself, but it seems to have led me down a path of confusion. I haven’t felt the Spirit like that in direct relation to the church in a while. My strongest spiritual experiences occur in nature. I find these just as meaningful, but in a different way.

I have felt myself slip away from the church ideologically on many issues over the past few years. I’ve asked a lot of hard questions. I’ve pondered and soul-searched. I have found comfort in non-traditional ideologies and in progressive circles. I’ve listened to the stories of members, ex-members, and non-members (not a huge fan of these terms, but they’ll work for now). I’ve shed many tears.

I still attend church and try to pay attention. I’ve slacked at a lot of daily tasks. I have started to lose comfort in gospel lessons and study, as they just bring more confusion and internal conflict.

I feel pain when I see people hurt by the church’s poor response to sexual assault allegations. I am confused when I see LGBTQ+ members being ostracized and shamed for their identities. I feel frustrated when church leaders fail to acknowledge the institutional racism still present in our structure and congregations.

How can I be a part of something that causes pain to so many people? How can I believe that our Heavenly Parents would want this to be happening? How can I be satisfied with the fact that no one seems to have answers regarding these issues? Why do marginalized people have to suffer at the hands of the privileged because we refuse to make space for them?

Can a church led by older, mostly white men truly be inclusive? Can I reconcile a church that isn’t inclusive with the gospel of Christ? Is separating the church from its culture just an excuse? Can I allow myself to be a part of both the institution and its culture, knowing the damage they do?

Is there space for me in the church when I don’t agree with so many things? And if not, what would my life even look like without the church? It’s all I’ve ever known.

I don’t have answers to these questions. I don’t particularly want your answers to them either. I don’t want to be told what I “need” to do to strengthen my faith. I don’t want to know how you went through the same thing “at my age.” I don’t really even want to know what worked for you. I’ve heard it all.

I am just in a place of pain and conflict and I want to know that I am not alone. I have felt the Spirit so strongly in the past. I resonate so much with certain aspects of LDS doctrine, especially doctrine that is unique to the church. I believe so much and I doubt so much. Some things I wouldn’t even say I doubt at this point, because I truly do not believe them.

If you are here to be with me and hold me while I cry and try to figure things out, I welcome you. If you are here to push me in they direction you think is best, please find another cause to get behind, or better yet, work on yourself. I don’t want to commit to any decisions yet. I want to be able to sit in my confusion, in limbo even, as I figure out where I want to stand. I am tired and lost. And that’s okay.