MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking major must have gone down if he’s giving it up for a whole month,” said Aaron Fitzpatrick, adding that his friend didn’t even think about quitting when he fell down those stairs a few years back, so “shit must have really hit the fan this time.” “I don’t know if it was an out-of-control Christmas party or what, but it obviously rattled the hell out of him. When you ask him about it, he just gets quiet and says something vague about ‘just cooling off for a few weeks,’ which you know means it was something pretty fucking scary.” At press time, Fitzpatrick realized the situation must be even worse than he imagined after his friend announced he’d be swearing off alcohol at least through June and maybe indefinitely.

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