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Image 1 of / 19 Caption Close Image 2 of 19 Here's a really, really terrible TV movie from 1999 about Mary, with a very young Christian Bale as Jesus, which I'm sure he'd like to forget. Virgin birth? Divine intervention? Way to demean women and female sexuality completely, early Christians! less Here's a really, really terrible TV movie from 1999 about Mary, with a very young Christian Bale as Jesus, which I'm sure he'd like to forget. Virgin birth? Divine intervention? Way to demean women and female ... more Photo: EGON ENDRENYI / Associated Press Image 3 of 19 Poor James Caviezel. Abused and beaten like a cheap slab of veal in Mel Gibson's brutal, sadomasochistic nightmare. The least genuinely spiritual movie about Jesus ever made. Poor James Caviezel. Abused and beaten like a cheap slab of veal in Mel Gibson's brutal, sadomasochistic nightmare. The least genuinely spiritual movie about Jesus ever made. Photo: Newmarket Films Image 4 of 19 Few can top Willem Dafoe as Tormented Jesus in "Last Temptation." Few can top Willem Dafoe as Tormented Jesus in "Last Temptation." Photo: Universal Pictures / Associated Press Image 5 of 19 Image 6 of 19 Diogo Morgado is Hunky Dreamboat Jesus in "The Bible" AKA "Son of God," AKA smarmy revisionist pulp pumped out by Mark Burnett and Roma Downey so as to rake in a pile of easy cash from gullible fundamentalist Christians who don't know any better. Which is pretty much all of them. less Diogo Morgado is Hunky Dreamboat Jesus in "The Bible" AKA "Son of God," AKA smarmy revisionist pulp pumped out by Mark Burnett and Roma Downey so as to rake in a pile of easy cash from gullible fundamentalist ... more Photo: Joe Alblas / Associated Press Image 7 of 19 The best movie about Jesus, ever? Obvs. The best movie about Jesus, ever? Obvs. Photo: Handout Image 8 of 19 No list is complete without Ted Neeley as Big J in "Jesus Christ Superstar." Broadway did it better. No list is complete without Ted Neeley as Big J in "Jesus Christ Superstar." Broadway did it better. Photo: Universal 1973 Image 9 of 19 Heston as Ben Hur, pre-NRA psychosis. Heston as Ben Hur, pre-NRA psychosis. Photo: Silver Screen Collection / Getty Images Image 10 of 19 Image 11 of 19 Turns out Noah was sort of a melodramatic jerk. Wouldn't you be? Turns out Noah was sort of a melodramatic jerk. Wouldn't you be? Photo: Niko Tavernise / Associated Press Image 12 of 19 Heaven is Real! Except it's not! Because that would be totally silly! Besides, where would God keep all the Buddhists? Heaven is Real! Except it's not! Because that would be totally silly! Besides, where would God keep all the Buddhists? Photo: Allen Fraser / Sony Pictures Releasing Image 13 of 19 NOW you're talking! Windswept! Airbrushed! Scruffy! It's like an ad for a Chrstian-themed Braun shaver. NOW you're talking! Windswept! Airbrushed! Scruffy! It's like an ad for a Chrstian-themed Braun shaver. Image 14 of 19 You ain't seen nuthin' until you've seen a few seconds of Jesus as awful, retro, stop-motion animation. Like a Robot Chicken skit. You ain't seen nuthin' until you've seen a few seconds of Jesus as awful, retro, stop-motion animation. Like a Robot Chicken skit. Image 15 of 19 Image 16 of 19 Oh, Nick Cage. How low thy hath fallen. Oh, Nick Cage. How low thy hath fallen. Image 17 of 19 Above all, pray that whatever happened to Kirk Cameron never happens to you. Above all, pray that whatever happened to Kirk Cameron never happens to you. Image 18 of 19 The devil, OTOH, always seems to be having one HELL of a lot more fun in the movies. Sexier, too. The devil, OTOH, always seems to be having one HELL of a lot more fun in the movies. Sexier, too. Image 19 of 19 'Left Behind' asks, Why the hell can’t God make a decent movie? 1 / 19 Back to Gallery

It is, they say, the Greatest Story Ever Told.

It is, they say, the epic of all epics, the Big Book o’ Thou Shalt Nots, the most boring, tiresome read imaginable and the finest piece of literature in our cultural history, except for maybe White Noise and A Confederacy of Dunces and, obviously, The Phantom Tollbooth.

But here we are, stuck like pinned bugs in this year of our global warming, 2014, and pretty much every movie we have about God, about Jesus, about the Bible and the Rapture except maybe Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) is just laughable nonsense – cheap, smarmy swill for encephalic 5-year olds and their uptight parents who don’t read actual books and therefore aren’t reading this column anyway so shhh it’s OK we can talk like this.

Caveat: I did not see Left Behind, the new and apparently mind-blowingly terrible movie starring Nicolas Cage, who was once considered a Great Actor, who once won an Oscar, who has devolved into a bizarre, bargain-basement Spasmodic Everyman, in this case serving as a stand-in for that other psychotic American actor who we would all be tremendously grateful to never hear from again: Kirk Cameron.

Left Behind, as I understand it from all the unfortunate reviewers who actually had to sit through it, is a cheap, insufferably stupid, Sharknado-grade adaptation of the series of cheap, insufferable books about the Rapture that sold like Christian crack during the Bush years (Think 50 Shades of Grey, but with sanctimony instead of sodomy).

I’m not much of a fan, but even I have to ask: Doesn’t Jesus, the beloved mystical guru, the great teacher without a past, the funky, anti-war, tree-hugging hippie socialist, deserve better than this?

Of course he does. To my mind, Jesus has scored exactly one great mainstream movie in the past 30 years, and it wasn’t even all that great; Scorcese’s “Last Temptation of Christ” (1988) is remembered primarily for daring to depict Jesus as a deeply conflicted human, totally messed in the head by the whole “savior” thing.

It’s also remembered, of course, for the outcry it provoked; panicky wails of protests from undereducated, non-reading Christians who, urged on my their engorged pastors, marched around various theaters carrying signs that screamed “Blasphemy!” but didn’t actually spell it correctly.

And therein, I think, lies the problem: The Bible is a book written, largely, for children. Wipe away all the crazy-old-guy obsessions with family lineage, war, genitalia, food rules and menstruation, and you’re left with a nicely dogmatic collection of allegories and proscriptions. Don’t steal. Don’t kill each other. Be more compassionate. The divine is already inside you. That sort of thing.

Problem is, fundamentalists do not see it this way. Fundamentalists believe the Bible is the literal word of God, that the Almighty spoke perfect English, that Jesus looked like a cross between Fabio and Russell Brand and all those swell supernatural tidbits, from the virgin birth to Jesus rising from the dead to 40 days in the desert (all swiped from pagan mythologies, natch), aren’t merely symbolic abstractions meant to point to larger spiritual truths, but authentic, historical facts.

Therein lies the problem: Any movie about God, about Jesus, about Christian mythology can only be one of two things: an absurdist tale of human woe and overblown melodrama (hi, Noah), or a smarmy, incompetent puppet show with Jesus as a dreamy, magical hunk, dumbed down to the lowest possible Christian denominator. (Or, if you’re Mel Gibson, a repulsive, ultra-violent, fetishistic bloodbath disguised as historic puppet show).

This just in: Ridley Scott is about to release a big new movie, about Exodus. It stars a whole bunch of very white people, playing very dark brown people. Christian Bale plays Moses (!). It all looks like a fairly racist cross between 300 and Lord of the Rings. Liberals are all, “Whitewashing!” Fundamentalists are all, “Why is Batman riding in a chariot?”

God just can’t catch a break.