UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—With many of the nation’s schools closed through the end of the school year, millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.

As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests, parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.

“Without school, our kids could have frightening gaps in their understanding of math, science, and history,” Carol Foyler, a parent in Akron, Ohio, said. “We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.”

Terrified by such a dire outcome, Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan, a first grader, but her anxiety persists.

“Yesterday, I kind of lost it with Ryan,” she said. “I told him, ‘You don’t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.’ I immediately felt horrible. I’ve never spoken to my child like that.”

Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education, Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures. “Many schools have been closed for one month,” she said. “Even if they remain closed for two more months, that’s only a total of four months.”