This is something I’ve said to many people over the years, in many situations. I say it to myself all the time and it’s a part of my identity. It’s part of the narrative I tell people. I was a smart kid who did well early on, and then I didn’t do well later on because I didn’t study. I didn’t study maybe because the curriculum was boring, or maybe I have a subtle form of ADHD or something. I didn’t do well because I didn’t study.

That’s true. And it’s true that school’s boring. But the statement “I didn’t do well because I didn’t study” is dangerous, because it lends itself to some suggestive implications. And here’s the biggest implication that naturally emerges in my own mind. If I didn’t do well because I didn’t study, then I would have done well if I had just studied.

Seems obvious and intuitive, right? But it’s not technically true. It’s a logical fallacy, a round-trip. Not A therefore Not B doesn’t mean A therefore B. There could be a whole bunch of other reasons why I didn’t do well, or maybe I could’ve studied hard and still done badly. This is actually scary to contemplate and accept, because it would directly contradict my self-worth and that would be very damaging to my self-esteem. There’s a huge amount of cognitive dissonance there, and it’s an incredibly painful thing to explore. It’s far easier to do badly and think highly of yourself despite of it, than to actually work hard and maybe realize you’re not as good as you think you are. (Which is far more likely to be true.)

Here’s what I’m really getting- I didn’t do well because I was, and am, an irresponsible person. Why didn’t I study? I didn’t know how to, and I didn’t want to, and I didn’t know how to want to. (I often wanted to know how to, and wanted to want to, but those were not good enough to sustain the daily work that I needed to do in order to make a difference to my own life. I often experienced moments where I felt strongly that I was fucking up my own life and ought to turn things around, but these moments were fleeting and could never translate into action, into behaviour.)

My real problem is incompetence at the art or science of responsibility. I am incompetent at being responsible. What makes this doubly scary is, I’ve developed a coping mechanism where I’m really good at pretending. I’m good at talking. Rationalizing. I’m good at pretending to be responsible, at making lofty promises, at sounding like I really care about this or that- and I do, I really do feel like I care about this or that. But how do you measure whether somebody cares? Do you measure the emotional intensity inside their heads? You can’t really do that. (Well, I suppose you could put them in an MRI of sorts. If you asked me how much I wanted to be awesome, and responsible, or how much I love my wife, I expect you would see real increase in blood flow to the brain- the emotions are real, not fake).

But we get to this additional bit here where- what’s the point of feeling like you care, and saying that you care, if your actions don’t communicate to the world that you care? What’s the point of saying and feeling that you love your wife if you go home late to her because you procrastinated at work? What’s the point of saying and feeling that you ought to quit smoking, or work out, if you don’t?

It’s a horrible place to be, and there is very little sympathy for people in this position. You’re just a lousy person if you’re like that. And I have been that supposedly lousy person for a long time- for all my life, really.

I needed to become a responsible person- I need to become a responsible person- and I have almost no real experience in this regard (although I could perhaps find ways to translate these ideas from other spheres… but I get ahead of myself here). I was irresponsible at home, and my parents let me get away with it. Actually, I think my parents are fairly irresponsible people too. Bless them, they’re human, and they put a roof over my head and food on my table and air-conditioning in my room and provided everything I could possibly need… except they never taught me how to be responsible.

They did punish me for being irresponsible, and my teachers did the same thing. But here’s an important question I’m not sure people are asking enough: How do you teach someone to be responsible? Do you do it by punishing them for being irresponsible? Will punishing an irresponsible person teach them to be responsible? Does it help? Do we have evidence of this working anywhere?

My boss has been an amazing figure in my life in just a few short months and he’s taught me that being responsible begins with little things. Keeping track of little things and executing on little promises. I’m good at making grand promises and giving nice long explanations when things go bad- (essentially a variation of I didn’t do well because I didn’t study, but couched in emotive, flowery language that seems to make sense, and communicates passion- a real passion that is there, that exists).

The challenge is to be responsible. And to focus. I think they’re the same thing. If you’re a person who knows how to focus, being responsible isn’t very difficult. If you’re a person who’s responsible, naturally, focus is not an issue.

I’ve received multiple emails from multiple students who are struggling in school and they tell me that they want to work hard and do well but they’re lazy. This sounds almost a little silly to some people, but it sets off alarm bells in my head. Because I believe them. I believe that they want to do well. I mean, who doesn’t? Who can honestly say that they don’t want to be a responsible person, a trustworthy person, someone who is good and effective and reliable that everybody can turn to and count on? Everybody wants to be responsible. Everybody also wants to be emotionally savvy and financially savvy and know how to solve problems.

So these kids have the same problem I did, and continue to have, and am currently working on. This is the answer to Xavier’s question that has been in my head all this while- how do you overcome what’s stopping you from doing what you’re doing? Here’s what’s stopping me, it’s a fucking neurosis. It’s a life of self-worth built on half-truths and maybe-truths, self-esteem that is dependent on flimsy logic. That’s where the fear comes in. The fear isn’t success or failure, the fear is the very real pain and discomfort that happens when you come to terms with the fact that you aren’t who you claim to be, you aren’t who you say you are, you are far, far smaller than you think you are.

But there is power in acknowledging that. When you face the fear you realise it’s not that scary. When you allow yourself to feel the pain you realize it’s not that painful. Once you acknowledge there’s a problem and you start exploring it, with real conviction, you start realizing that you can fix it.

So how do you fix the problem of being irresponsible? Punishing irresponsible kids for being irresponsible is a losing game. My parents tried it on me, it didn’t work. My teachers tried it on me, it didn’t work. My girlfriend tried it on me, it didn’t work. My friends tried it on me too (in a subtle denial-of-social-acceptance way), and it didn’t work.

Let me be clear- I respond to it. I respond emotionally, viscerally. I acknowledge the truth in their sentiments, I acknowledge that there’s a problem. But like a smoker who says he wants to quit, and means it, I quickly lapse into my previous habits and routines because I don’t know how else to live. I don’t know how else to be.

It’s such a sad situation!

Er, how do you fix the problem of being irresponsible, sorry. You fix the problem of being irresponsible by being responsible for something small. Just one little thing, be responsible for it. One really, really, REALLY little thing. The thing has to be far, far littler than you think it is. As little as “write one sentence a day”, or “do 10 pushups a day”, something really, really simple. And you have to tie it to something that you already do. I did squats in the shower. It works, I now cannot shower without feeling awkward if I don’t also do squats.

Okay, honestly, I don’t know how to solve this problem completely, because I’m working on it as we speak. But I acknowledge that I have a problem, a problem beyond the mere acknowledgement of problems- the challenge is to learn how to be responsible. And I suppose there are many ways to do that. The main thing I’m trying to say is that I don’t think we can teach responsibility by punishing irresponsibility. Maybe I’m wrong. I just had to write this.