CHILDREN should just shut it and do as they are told for once in their fucking lives, according to the results of a major academic study.

Researchers at Glasgow Clyde University found that instead of being treated like equals and asked for their opinion on a wide range of issues, children should button their fucking lips and remember who pays the sodding bills round here.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "There has been a move in recent years to include children in decision making and respect their opinions. Why? They're idiots.

"Even doctors are now being told to take children seriously. So when some moronic little turd comes in with a 50p piece rammed up his nose, the GP is supposed to chat to him about interest rates? Give me a fucking break.

"We studied 50 children over a two-week period and concluded that rather than indulging these ghastly, violent, cheeky little shits, perhaps we should concentrate on feeding them three times a day and making sure they do outlandish things like their homework, brushing their teeth and going to bed at a reasonable hour. All the while telling them to sit down and shut the fuck up on a regular basis."

He added: "Once you've established a pattern you can then carry on doing that right up to the point where they find a job and get the fuck out of my house."

But Kyle Stephenson, 12, a spokesman for the British Youth Parliament, said: "Children have a right to be heard. In fact, I have just finished writing a really important thing about the environment.

"It's called Why Can't People Just Stop Doing Things That Are Bad And Start Doing Things That Are Really Good Instead.

"The Prime Minister has asked me to start work at the Number 10 Policy Unit as soon as my balls drop."