I wasn’t going to write about this. I was going to wait for the campaign to blow up in their faces as a piece of extremely, EXTREMELY poor judgment hiding behind the shield of “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.” And then True & Co. wrote their own blog response, and then I replied, respectfully and courteously, on Facebook, from the Sweet Nothings page, and then six hours later they deleted my comment.

And then I got really, really pissed off.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, True & Co. is an online lingerie retailer that promises to offer shoppers a hassle-free, algorithm-based bra fitting experience. You tell them what size you’re wearing and what brand, you answer a series of fit questions, and then they supply several style and size suggestions based on your responses. You pick a few, they throw a few others in your box for you to try as well, and you get a great in-home fitting room experience. It sounds good, except it doesn’t work.

For starters, while they carry several full-bust brands, they don’t stock anything over an F-cup. So when I took the quiz, I told them I was wearing my regular band size + an F cup, and described all the fit issues I’d have if I were indeed wearing that size. True & Co’s suggestions? F-cups. Now look, I have no problem with a retailer’s not stocking my size. No store can be all things to all women, so if they’d told me “It seems like you’ll find a good fit in a size [__]. We aren’t able to stock that size currently, but please continue to check back with us as we expand!” I’d have been totally satisfied. Instead, rather than genuinely answer a fitting question, they tried to sell me bras they stocked, which would never have fit, which makes them no better at fitting than Victoria’s Secret.

With each successive blog post from True & Co., I became more and more uneasy. The fact of the matter is that bra fitting is hugely, hugely subjective. There is no way, NO WAY, an “algorithm” can POSSIBLY work for all women. We are all shaped and built so differently, and our lifestyles and comfort levels and wants and needs are all so different, the best an online retailer can do is provide clear, accurate information about how to find a good fit and what it looks like. True & Co doesn’t do that. For more, be sure to read The Lingerie Lesbian’s recent excellent post, in which she shares multiple women’s experiences with the “fit service.”

SO THEN, in the lead-up to Mother’s Day, rather than improve the quality of their online fit advice (sample: “If your underwire pains you, try a bralette!” UM, NO*), they launch their MILF campaign, complete with pictures of young, hip mothers and their tiny, adorable children.

MILF, for those of you who still in blessed ignorance of the term, stands for Mom I’d Like to Fuck. I know. So cute, right? Just, pardon me, fucking precious. HI-larious, amirite bro? So True & Co takes this delightful gift to the contemporary American vernacular and says, “You know what would be DARLING? Is if we made a pun! For Mother’s Day! Yeah! Let’s take an obscene, sexist, objectifying term and make it cute! And let’s put pictures of bloggers and their tiny children in the campaign, because that’s not creepy at all! And let’s invite women to submit pictures of their own mothers for our MILF wall! A MILF wall? Awesome!”

Surely, SURELY, there was someone at True & Co. whose soul quietly whispered, “Um, maybe not the best idea we’ve ever had?”

Oedipal, pedophilic creepiness aside, this campaign sucks. It panders, it operates on the principal that sex sells, and it’s designed to startle (and I suspect work people like me into a sputtering rage, so mission accomplished?). Jezebel has notes. So does the Daily Mail. They quote the lovely Denocte from Kurvendiskussionen, who left this comment on Facebook: “Nothing funny about this MILF joke. It’s sexist and makes a connection between bras and sex – bras are not all about sex. Plus, what’s even worse, it provides a connection between bra fitting and sexual stuff – ick! Bra fitting is NOTHING sexual, it’s about finding proper bra fit for your body.”

True & Co promised a response, and Wednesday night they posted this to their blog:

MILF – the term brings to mind pervy frat boys but who says they should own an acronym? MILF (Moms I’d Love to Fit)is about the best people in the world taking 5 minutes out of their busy day to treat themselves to a proper bra fitting and get a new bra. Who hasn’t known a mom who puts everyone else first and who has forgotten about taking care of herself? We were inspired after hearing our customers tell us that the first time they had thought of themselves in a long time was when they took True&Co.’s online fit quiz. They then treated themselves to a home try-on box of great lingerie that fit their new post-baby bodies. We meant the pun and we meant it in good fun. We think there’s nothing objectifying about a woman owning her sexuality. We’d be proud to be considered a MILF (Mom I’d Love to Fit). True&Co. was created to change the bra industry. The bra and the terrible bra fitting room experience has remained the same since the modern bra was invented in 1930s. And let’s not even talk about panties. We celebrate empowerment – embrace your individual body type and love what’s underneath, whether you’re a mom, a daughter, a sister, anyone.

Apart from the fact that there are some major factual errors (bras and fitting room experiences have changed HUGELY since the 1930s, don’t even get me started, do your research, etc.), the whole post . . . doesn’t make sense? Sometimes bra fitting isn’t about owning your sexuality; it’s about, you know, finding a bra that fits. I stewed for a while, and then posted something along the lines of this (it never occurred to me to get a screengrab, so this is how I remember it):

I’m sorry, I still don’t really understand why using this term is a good idea. It’s a sexist and objectifying term that many women feel strongly negative about, no matter how often you say “no, we’re reclaiming it!” Lots of women feel objectified, judged, and vulnerable when they hear this word used, so why on earth would you introduce it into a bra fitting conversation, where lots of women already feel vulnerable? Furthermore, why on earth would you put it in an ad campaign featuring children, ick? Bras aren’t about sex, and bra fittings certainly aren’t about sex, and using this term implies that there is a sexually objectifying relationship between not only a mother and child, but also a woman and her fitter. It’s really inappropriate, and it’s wrong, and I and many others don’t see it as “good fun.”

That’s right, y’all. Those right there are the words that were too much for True & Co. It seems, ironically, they just couldn’t handle the truth (& co.). And thus they deleted that mighty, crushing Facebook comment from a tiny lingerie blogger, because THAT always shuts down a discussion, yes indeedy.

I know that a lot of good can be done by “reclaiming” negatively charged words. Some people find it liberating and empowering. Hell, pole dancing has negative, objectifying, degrading connotations for many people, and for me it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. But I pole dance in a private sphere, not in a club in front of strangers, and therefore it’s a safe experience for me. Bra fitting and making sexy, silly puns also happen in a private sphere. When silly puns enter the public sphere and crash and burn so spectacularly, it would behoove their authors to consider that the problem isn’t the audience: it’s them. Saying “oh, but you just don’t get it!” or “you just need to own your sexuality!” doesn’t cut it.

Your audience is offended and unimpressed, True & Co. If you’re really trying to help women and make bra fitting an easier, stress-free experience, then issue an apology and pull the ads. Grace, character, and competence win my loyalty much faster than base pandering.

*Hoookay, if your underwire pains you I have a few suggestions: always start by checking your band size. It should fasten firmly on the loosest set of hooks, and it should lie smoothly across your back parallel with your underbust. It shouldn’t be so loose that it rides up your back throughout the day. Once you’ve got your band size fixed, you might want to try a larger cup size to help the wires open up a little. A too-small cup can mean the wires are both too narrow and too short, so there won’t be room for all of your breast to sit in the cup. The wires on the sides of the bra should encircle the breast tissue and lie directly against your ribs, not on top of any breast tissue. If the wires are stabbing you in the armpit, you may need to try a brand or a style that’s cut a little lower. If the center gore is digging into your sternum, try a bra with a lower center front, or even experiment with bending the wires gently until they fit your shape better. Boom. Let’s see an algorithm address all those possibilities.

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