A solid gold toilet was stolen from Winston Churchill’s birthplace. The missing commode is said to be worth about $1.25 million, but experts say it may be as fake as OBJ’s $2 million watch. Replacements are in the works, including the sterling silver stool cutter, the bronze bowel mover and the pure platinum poop shooter. Until then, visitors are asked to refrain from spicy foods and stick to a high-fiber diet.

More misery in Miami. The Marlins own the worst record in the NL and the Dolphins may be the worst team in sports. Well, fans of the floundering Fish and Fins, tonight is your night. Flamethrower Sandy Alcantara is pitching at Arizona. Sandy has been in the ’Zona, having allowed a single run over his past 16 innings and has pitched at least seven innings in his last seven starts. D’backs have as good a shot at making the postseason as the Mets. Mike Leake’s is 11-11 but his ERA reads 5.51 since arriving from the the Mariners at the deadline. Play 20 units on the Marlins.

Giants outlasted the Red Sox 7-6 in a 15-inning, six-hour marathon. Mike Yastrzemski hit a homer at Fenway. Lengthy loss leaves us at -474 carltonfisks.