How should leaders respond after arguing with one of their employees?

We’ve all said things we regret. To a husband, wife, sibling, parent, friend, acquaintance – we let a conversation get out of hand, we got irritated, and a disagreement turned into an argument.

What’s the right thing to do after arguing with someone?

There aren’t simple answers to this question. And it’s increasingly complicated in the context of our professional relationships.

You plan on addressing something with an employee, thinking of what’s good for them and good for the team, and they react defensively or they challenge your perspective. 9 times out of 10 you’d push through, but they caught you on a bad day and you find yourself in the middle of a heated exchange.

These are the ways that our professional lives mirror our personal lives. Conflict is natural, but the conventions for resolving that conflict when you’re a leader are difficult.

So what are we, as leaders, supposed to do after these disruptive incidents? Do we pretend like it didn’t happen? Bury it and shrug it off as a bad day. We all know that strong relationships are built on suppressed emotions!

Or do we wait for the employee to come and apologize to us? After all, we’re the boss, we’re in the right by default, so our employees should show deference to us. A good employee would come groveling back, asking for forgiveness!

Absolutely not. Both of the above ideas highlight the part of management that poisons us as good leaders: the temptation to take the easy way out. As leaders, we are obligated to own these situations and to take proactive action to get to a better outcome. We’re defined by how we respond to our bad days.

I’ve had two of these kinds of conflicts this year, conversations that got out of my control. One was about an employee that was repeatedly missing meetings, the second with an employee who disagreed with how I was managing certain projects. In both of these instances, I was the first to apologize and take ownership of my behavior.

I expect to be a good example for my employees, to be a model they can look up to for how to handle themselves with their own employees. That means swallowing my pride and humbling myself by owning my mistakes first.

Does this mean the entire situation was my fault? No, not necessarily, but it was my responsibility to stay in control of the situation. Ultimately, all of the failings that fall under our supervision are our fault.

Every leader I’ve ever met can identify with the temptation to wield 100% of the authority of leadership while accepting 0% of the responsibility. It’s natural, we all want to lose weight without dieting, we want to be strong without exercising, be smart without studying. We secretly believe that if we want a thing bad enough, we can will it into existence. Everyone wants the reward without the work. Respect, authority, and credibility are earned by showing that you’re worthy of them.

Remember these things the next time you have an uncomfortable conversation with one of your employees:

It’s your job to keep dialogues under control

It’s your job to act like the adult

It’s your job to be humble and lead by example

Be the change you want to see in the world leadership community.

Good luck out there,



Patrick

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