(edit: this post is getting a hell of a lot of traffic from Facebook. Would someone mine telling me where it’s been discussed, or tag me there? Thank you!)

(Double edit: it looks like someone has translated my list into Swedish!)

After careful research, I present a true and accurate dissection of our community.

The Curator. Carefully explores the pen landscape, buys one of everything, and tracks it all in a ridiculously detailed spreadsheet. The Crazy Cat Lady. Why have one Kaweco Sport when you can have 50? The Archaeologist. Believes that anything made after 1950 is junk. Buys trays of old pens at car boot sales and antique shops, and hasn’t quite gotten round to restoring them. Has incredibly inky fingers. The Magpie. Always chasing the latest releases, especially the Limited Editions with sparkles, and shimmer inks. Mr Status. Only buys Montblancs and Montegrappas dusted with precious metals. Never inks them. Otaku-san. Lives in Surbiton surrounded by Nakayas and bottles of rare ink you can only buy from a tiny village in rural Japan. El Minimalissimo. Through sheer force of will owns only a single Lamy 2000 and one bottle of black ink. Reads pen forums every day, just for the thrill of fighting the temptation. The Mad Professor. Every pen is a frankenpen. Desk is covered in nibs and tools and ink spatters. Can’t leave anything alone. Voids warranties with a single glance. The Bargain-Hunter. Only buys pens from China for less than £2 each, including shipping, a converter, and a free side of intellectual property theft. Mr Ordinary. Teetering at the top of a slippery slope, Mr Ordinary has a few moderately priced pens that he enjoys using for work and letter-writing. The Hipster. Won’t buy any pen that Goulet or Cult Pens stocks, because he hates conformity. Instead, hunts down obscure hobbyist makers from as far away as possible to commission one-offs that make people on Instagram jealous. The Goldfish. Buys a new pen, gets bored, sells it again in a matter of weeks. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes with the exact same pen. Big-Game Hunter. Sets his heart on a true grail pen, as unobtainable as possible. Researches its territory, its habits. Searches tirelessly for years, tracking it down pace by pace. It’s an all-consuming passion. Then once he gets it? The hunt begins anew. The Hoarder. Buys any pen he sees. Never sells anything. Lives surrounded by huge Visconti boxes, living off Tesco Value baked beans. The Naive Enthusiast. Has no idea what they want. Backs awful Kickstarter projects with gay abandon. Asks perfectly Google-able questions on Fountain Pen Facebook groups. But too cheerful to be mean to.

See anybody you recognise?