AUSTIN, TX—In a breakthrough finding that could reshape the understanding of human ancestry, genealogists from the Federation of Genealogical Societies published a study Friday revealing that 99 percent of people are not related to anyone cool. “According to data compiled from hundreds of research institutions worldwide, only about 1 percent of humans ever to live have been related to anyone remotely fun or interesting,” a report published in the journal FORUM read in part, adding that advancements in DNA testing enabled genealogists to gain the most comprehensive picture of how few people are in any way related to an actually cool person. “Our results were consistent across ethnic groups and time periods and confirm that population increases, mass migrations, and industrialization had virtually no effect on the percentage of people worldwide who weren’t complete dweebs or total losers. While we’re certainly pleased that more people today are interested in their personal genealogy, they should be forewarned that their own family tree is almost certainly composed exclusively of dipshits, fuckups, and other lame asses, stretching back to the dawn of man.” The report also found that of the people who actually were related to someone cool, over 60 percent directly descended from a totally badass Neanderthal who once killed a mastodon with a flaming spear.

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