The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen.

Thursday

Port Adelaide vs Western Bulldogs (AO) 7:50 PM

I love Thursday night footy.

Any night where I don’t have to go to the enormous effort of finding something to watch on Netflix is welcome. It’s exhausting.

In the only positive news for Melbourne supporters this week, Jack Watts has been dropped, with the Power getting tired of all the things Melbourne got tired with.

Port fans though should be feeling good, they’re travelling well and beating the reigning premiers last week is a huge tick, even if it technically doesn’t count because Richmond only play at the MCG.

Now they face the most disappointing team of the last two years, the Bulldogs, who had an allergic reaction from coming into contact with the Premiership Cup.

Luke Beveridge is desperately searching for the EpiPen but there’s no evidence he’s close to finding it.

Port to win this.

Friday

Sydney vs West Coast (SCG) 7:50 PM

A decent Friday night game! Do my eyes deceive me?

So worried have the AFL been about declining ratings they floated the rather terrifying idea this week that they are currently looking at thirty different rule changes for next season.

I’m not sure if that’s a high or low amount for them. I am sure they are high though.

This is first taking on third and the Eagles have won their last ten games. In fact, their last loss was against the Swans in Round one.

That was when Buddy took them apart and everyone begun blaming every injury in the league on the surface at Optus Stadium, even ones that didn’t occur there.

So much has changed since then. Now we are blaming everything on Carlton and the Crows’ pre-season.

I’ve spent the week carefully reviewing the round one clash between these two and a few things become clear if you study it carefully.

For the Eagles, they should not let Lance Franklin kick eight goals. They should put a defender on him or similar.

The opposite is true of the Swans, they should tell Buddy to kick eight again. If he doesn’t kick eight, they’ll need other players to kick goals or they could end up with less goals. This is something to be avoided.

I’m tipping the Swans.

Saturday

Carlton vs Fremantle (ES) 1:45 PM

Even thinking about this game is making me sleepy.

It’s a certainty that I’ll nod off on the couch watching this and I can’t wait.

A good afternoon doze is one of life’s great pleasures, up there with an extra item accidentally come out of a vending machine or having someone cancel a dinner party just before you were about to get dressed for it.

I’ll probably drag the doona and pillow out of the bedroom right at the start and not even pretend I’m going to try and stay awake.

As the awfulness of the game washes over me, I’ll feel my eyes start to get heavy and my breathing will slow as the inane commentary switches my brain off.

It’s going to be great.

Fremantle to win.

Gold Coast vs St Kilda (MS) 4:35 PM

This should be illegal.

While I was happy to provide detailed analysis of the Carlton-Fremantle game, this just seems a waste of everyone’s time.

The only real interesting thing is to see how low down someone can fall, like watching two homeless people fight.

It’s not something you seek out every day, but it still feels wrong to watch.

A loss here and Alan Richardson may be out. The only real comfort Saints supporters can take out of that is their club has a great track record of picking new coaches.

The Suns surely can’t be worse than last week. Their Chairman came out swinging after people dared to point out the reality of the situation to him.

It seems it’s everyone else’s fault but the Suns.

They’ve had a number of things not help them, not playing at home for the first half of the season, but they have stuffed up most things that were in their control too.

But sure, let’s give them more draft picks because that’s been proven to work with them.

St Kilda to win.

Hawthorn vs Adelaide (MCG) 7:25 PM

Can’t believe the Socceroos are going to go up against this game in their opening World Cup game. What idiots the schedulers at FIFA are.

In fact, holding the World Cup during the AFL season is pure madness.

Apparently, everyone is leaving the Adelaide.

Well, that’s true, but the Crows as well. Even contracted players are leaving. I’ve read it in the media so it’s happening OK?

It makes sense. If your job was at a workplace that kept injuring everyone, you’d probably try and leave. It’s why I left the abattoir to take up writing.

Since we’re all making guesses about what may happen at the Crows, I can say without any doubt, that they will not have any players to field a team next season.

They will still finish above Carlton.

Hawthorn’s Shaun Burgoyne will play his 350th game this week.

I’m no fan of his of course, anyone who has contributed that much to Hawthorn’s success has a tainted legacy in my view, but there’s no doubt he can play footy.

The Hawks invited the AFL down to Etihad Stadium this week to show them some new rules Clarko wants implemented next season.

I’ve been told the AFL were very happy with what they saw, after Clarko told them to be very happy about it.

Hawks to win this.

Sunday

Geelong vs Richmond (MCG) 3:20 PM

Only one game on the Sunday, so luckily, it’s a cracker.

Geelong have hit their straps in recent weeks and suddenly aren’t as disappointing as we all hoped.

Last year, the Tigers choked the Cats in the qualifying final, in what was the night a new AFL power was announced.

Richmond though haven’t been quite at that level this year. Last week’s loss to the Power was a worry, even if it was at Adelaide Oval.

What the Tigers failed to do is keep their ‘Bruce McAvaney interviewing Dustin Martin’ intensity up for four quarters, something they mastered in the finals.

Speaking of Dustin Martin, he’s back from New Zealand and should play despite the calf concerns.

This really is the time for the Tigers to shake off what has been decent but at times below best form and remind everyone of what they can do.

Richmond to win.

Byes – Brisbane, Collingwood, Essendon, Greater Western Sydney, Melbourne, North Melbourne

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