Like many people I believe that I am empathic, kind, considerate and able to understand myself. It wasn’t until I came across Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC cnvc.org) that I realised what empathy was and that it can be a tool to bring about more understanding and dissolve conflict. I learned that it is possible to create a deep connection with myself and others by simply guessing feelings and needs. Marshall discovered that we have Universal Human Needs (also called values, longings, desires or likes) and that by being aware of what they are can be a way that all humans can relate to one another.

One of our greatest needs is to be heard and understood. I remember my first experience of receiving empathy and the effect it had on me. I felt relieved, grounded and grateful. It was so powerful I wanted to share it with everyone. Whilst working on an empathy arts project, I was shown this Youtube clip of an NVC trainer working with young people in a school in California and how she connected with a young man in her class who was a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This blew me away and I knew in that moment that sharing about empathy was going to be an important part of my life’s work. Notice what happens in your body as you hear what Catherine shares. I regularly use this clip in my workshops as it demonstrates the power of empathy.

When a situation doesn’t go as I would have liked and I want to blame myself or others for my feeling upset, I turn to empathy. How do I do that? Well it’s a practice of guessing feelings and needs. When we react inside, there is something important going on for us. It takes noticing and finding a space in between our reaction and deciding what to do next. Often what happens is we feel upset and go straight to taking action (either verbally or physically) which can often lead to conflict. How many times have you regretted sending that email or text? Empathy can be a tool to help us deal with these reactions without leading to violence. When I find it difficult to understand why a person is acting in a way I don’t understand I try to guess what need it is that’s behind the behaviour.

Step by step in ‘how to do’ empathy…

1. Become familiar with your needs. (UNIVERSAL HUMAN NEEDS LIST). I suggest at first you look at the list every day.

2. Notice what happens in your body when you identify with a need that feels important for you right now.

3. Acknowledging this need is important for you as a way to ‘meet’ the need. This is self empathy.

4. Be aware, you might then want other people to meet your needs now and in a particular way. This can lead to more conflict. I suggest you take your time and simply notice what’s ‘alive’ in you.

5. Once you feel more relaxed, I suggest you either take some space or start to guess what is important for the person with whom you are angry. You can look at the list of needs and guess what made them act in the way they did.

You can look at the list of needs and guess what made them act in the way they did.

Empathy has many health benefits. Here are some that I’ve discovered for myself. Maybe you’ll discover more.

relaxation

mindfulness

calm

more energy

increased intuition

compassion

creativity

acceptance

healing

This is my first blog and I’m always learning. I’d enjoy hearing from you if you’d like to give me some feedback on this post. I especially want to hear if there is anything that doesn’t make sense to you or you disagree with.