TODD Akin, the US Congressman and Professor of Anatomy at the University of Western Missouri, has unveiled his long awaited guide to the inner workings of the female body.

The skull: With its average diameter of 8cm the female skull can fit neatly into rabbit holes and with the attachment of a stiff brush, can be used to clean chimneys. Females only have headaches if they really want to.

The brain: Due to the limited skull dimensions the female brain is relatively small, like that of a Labrador or a child. This makes them obedient and noisy, often at the same time. Female brains can be switched off like a robot or a vacuum cleaner.

The arms: Female arms are mainly used for pies. My research shows that pies can be up to 14% tastier if female arms have hands at the end of them. Woman can detach their arms at the first hint of trouble.

The legs: Used to attract strong, intelligent men, the female leg performs best when left uncovered all the way up to the part where it conjoins with the buttocks. Women’s legs can also fold-up like an accordion when they need to scamper under a cave door that is closing rapidly.

The pancreas: Like most female organs the pancreas is used for scrubbing caked-on food waste and does not get cancer if it doesn’t feel like it.

The breasts: Since the time of Adam and Eve the female breast has been used for storing gossip. They are pumped up each morning like a pair of child’s armbands and confer legitimacy when deployed in conjunction with an upper thigh.

The heart: The female heart is made of strawberry preserve and stops and starts on the basis of whimsy. It is where women keep their secrets, their evil plans and their bitter, hysterical resentment.

The buttocks: Give females their inherent bounce and can protect an entire community if operated by a man. The buttock is also the chief cause of war between female tribes.

The uterus: Exists outwith the established laws of time and space and is possibly the size of Canada. Einstein said the uterus may contain a wormhole to an alternate universe where women could dispose of unwanted sperms.