Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern. Courtesy of Warner Bros.

Today, a movie about a superhero is being released at your local theater. What’s this one’s name? Does it matter? It doesn’t matter. There are so many! But we’re going to tell you anyway: his name is Green Lantern, and he wants your money. Should you give him your money? I mean, he wants it really bad! As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Green Lantern.

Q: What is Green Lantern about?

A: Green Lantern is about a group of powerful god-like beings that reside on another planet. Eventually, the god-like beings send a group of warriors to Earth in order to prevent an intergalactic disaster.

Q: Oh, I’ve seen this movie. It’s called Thor.

A: No. Thor and Green Lantern have nothing to do with one another. Also, Thor was somewhat enjoyable.

Q: What is a Green Lantern?

A: A Green Lantern is an intergalactic police officer. Each Green Lantern belongs to the Green Lantern Corps.

Q: What is the Green Lantern Corps?

A: The Green Lantern Corps is an intergalactic police agency that has divided the universe into 3,600 separate sectors. Each sector gets its own Green Lantern.

Q: Wait, so the entire universe is divided up into just 3,600 sectors? The Green Lantern Corps is aware that the universe has approximately 120 billion galaxies, right? So each Green Lantern is responsible for 33 million galaxies?

A: Apparently.

Q: Do the Green Lanterns have any special powers other than the power of a somewhat ridiculous backstory?

A: Each Green Lantern has a green power ring that allows him, by sheer force of will, to conjure up whatever the wearer imagines. You see, green is the color of will.

Q: What kinds of items does the power ring create in Green Lantern?

A: Hal Jordan’s Green Lantern (Ryan Reynolds), at different points in the film, creates a machine gun, a sword, and a jet fighter.

Q: If you had Green Lantern’s power ring, what would you will the ring to do?

A: I would will the green power ring to destroy all copies of Green Lantern.

Q: Who is Hal Jordan?

A: Hal Jordan, played by Ryan Reynolds, is a somewhat cocky yet very talented test pilot who is haunted by his father’s death. While Hal is in the middle of a dogfight simulation, he flashes back to 1993, when an 11-year-old Hal watches his father’s plane explode.

Q: How old was Ryan Reynolds in 1993?

A: Seventeen.

Q: Is Ryan Reynolds as charming as always in Green Lantern?

A: It is as if his instructions were: “Hey, Ryan, you know that charming and likable thing that you usually do in movies and on Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place? Don’t do that in this movie.”

Q: How does Hal Jordan become a Green Lantern? Was he contacted through his LinkedIn profile?

A: A critically injured Green Lantern named Abin Sur crash-lands on Earth. Before he dies, he passes on his duties as a Green Lantern to Hal Jordan.

Q: Who is the villain in Green Lantern?

A: That would be Parallax.

Q: Oh, I remember him. Does Green Lantern put Parallax in jail for shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub?

A: No, you’re thinking of N.F.L. wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Parallax is a giant blob with a face that floats through space looking for people to eat—he’s the fellow who killed Abin Sur. Parallax feeds on yellow, which, we’re told, is the color of fear. Using fear, Parallax can suck the soul out of any living creature. Which is ironic because watching Green Lantern can also suck the soul out of any living creature.