So you are blithely going about your business, drinking a warm can of PBR at a party and trying to avoid talking to a guy who keeps staring at your ass, and all of a sudden you hear some girl nearby saying That Thing. You know. THAT thing.

"I have a lot more guy friends because I hate drama."

Oh my sweet Christ on a cracker. This expression sends me straight to the old-school Victorian insane asylum. And here's why. First of all, like the unspoken truth behind Real Housewife confessionals, if a woman is complaining about how much she hates all the drama between her and All Other Women, she is most likely the cause of it. Anybody who has employed the above phrase should be rushed to the hospital for their acute Teresa Giudice Disorder.

Secondly, that whole "supporting each other and sticking up for your own kind" thing — you know, just being a cool, girl-friendly girl on a basic level — is awesome. Getting a tight-knit group of female friends is the smartest thing I've ever done in my adult life, and I'd be lost without them. In a group of girls, you don't feel the social element of "tokenism" (which the above kinds of girls thrive on), and you don't have to whip out the artifice and posturing that many women feel they need around men. (And men around women, for that matter.) Female friends are also essential if you have a weird/dark sense of humor about being a girl. Jokes about potentially being barren don't go over well with men. Believe me, I've tried. The hilarious woes of being female are not a laugh riot to them.

A Brief History of Women In My Life Who Have Said "I Have a Lot More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama.".

Woman A: Gave a handjob to her self-proclaimed best friend's boyfriend during a New Years Eve party under the covers on a futon in the basement while the rest of us (including the best friend) were asleep three inches away from them.

Woman B: Began a relationship with my office crush and avoided telling me so that she did not "hurt my feelings." Instead, would pull my best friend at work aside so that I couldn't hear, exclude me from plans on purpose, continue to tell literally every single person at work how sad and jealous I would be if I found out. Went on for months. When I finally found out, I was mostly relieved that my best friend from work wasn't mad at me for some reason.

She also used to ask all the guys in the office to feel her new bra.

Are you noticing the pattern here?

Women who say this mean "I have a lot more guy friends because guys like me because I'm hot but also super-chill. Like a bro with perfect bone structure and limpid bedroom eyes. My perfect North American cantaloupe breasts and I have much difficulty sustaining healthy relationships with women."

Even if the above is true, I am here to inform you that in addition to the above qualities, you are literally Voldemort. Every time I encounter you, I feel like running to the fictional Department of Womanity (Amy Poehler, acting president) and ratting you out for being a big stinking traitor.

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Image via MTV

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