The septum piercing is a social signifier: “I have a bag made entirely out of wicker. Also, I’m bi.” You could just get one and sit with all the cool bisexuals at the lunch table, but do you actually want one or do you just want the cool bisexuals to let you sit at their lunch table?! Take this quiz to find out for sure:

Do you eat lunch alone?

Yes. I spend every lunch hour with my sad desk salad. No! I am cool and know where all the cool farmer’s markets are, even in the winter.

Would you like some cool bisexual work friends?

Any friends who aren’t just the hosts of the podcast I listen to would be nice. I’ll be friends with anyone as long as they’re cool.

Are you grossed out by having a hole in the middle of your nose?

Kind of! What if someone threads a twine through the hole and tugs me along like a bull? Would I know what to do? It’s honestly fine, just do the infection prevention and don’t think about it too much.

Do you think it’s actually kind of admirable for a millennial to make it through life without any piercings or tattoos?

Yes! Even millennials are going to regret it when you’re old and saggy, and tattoos make it hard to get jobs. Can’t risk it in this economy. Whatever lol

Do you regularly fantasize about having a bisexual experience even though you publicly identify as straight?

I’ve thought about it like, once or twice! A day. I’m repressed, but not in a heteronormative way.

Results:

Mostly 1’s: You just want the cool bisexuals to let you sit at their lunch table.

You can play Lorde’s “Liability” through your headphones at a moderate volume as you sadly watch the cool bisexuals eat their lunches from behind a frosted glass window that feels very out of place in this cafeteria.

Mostly 2’s: You actually want a septum piercing!

You are also probably already a cool bisexual! Thank you for reading this! What time and where are you eating lunch tomorrow? Asking for a friend.