New Ballot Initiative Proposes Dividing California Into Tiny Bits, Feeding It To Sharks

CALIFORNIA—A new initiative proposing that the state of California be separated into hundreds of tiny, bite-sized pieces and then fed to sharks in the Pacific Ocean has made it onto the November ballot.

The radical proposal claims that the whole nation would benefit from California’s decentralization and subsequent consumption by hungry oceanic predators.

“The state has simply grown too large for its own good, and so must be cut down to size before being shoved off into the Pacific to become shark food,” the initiatives’s primary sponsor said in an interview Tuesday. “While Californians will undoubtedly need to adjust to their new life clinging to pieces of flotsam and jetsam while they swim for their lives to escape sharks smelling blood in the water, they’re surely better off than with Jerry Brown and other far-left wackos running the state.”

“And the benefit for the rest of the country is obvious,” he added.

The sponsor further stated that California residents are already accustomed to being pursued by vicious predators, since they live every day under the oppressive, far-reaching governance of the California Legislature.

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