THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet. “While it’s possible for even the most attentive deity to momentarily forget how quickly a planet’s temperature can rise, that’s no excuse for such horrifying negligence,” said the archangel Selaphiel, noting that The Almighty had put not just one of his children at risk, but billions. “Frankly, we’re lucky we got there and pried open the atmosphere when we did or they would have all been gone in less than 100 years.” At press time, a tearful God said He had only left to run a brief errand just on the other side of the galaxy and said He would never forgive Himself.

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