Cyber Rovers

Can you imagine a future world, where Rovers fans only watch football on TV. Where the growth of satellite TV and ‘streaming’ is making football more available for supporters to watch. So the pub, computer and home telly becomes the only place fans ever see a match.

This Orwellian world is already with us (but don’t tell anyone). So let us imagine our game’s hierarchy decide they want more of the money being paid to footballers and their agents going to them. What’s to stop them creating their own cyber team? Then using their football thought control to persuade us it’s a good thing. Now they have the medium already. Virtual teams wouldn’t need grounds, or fans inside them. This would be great for health & safety. No need to supply food or drink, or pay police or stewards.

Football games would become like ‘The Truman Show’. Advertising could be taken to a new and sinister level. Subliminal messages could be sent during play, as well as at half time. Press your red button and you could even adjust your team’s performance or skill level. A win, draw or even a loss could be your desired result.

And so our cyber game kicks off down the pub (behind closed doors is official FIFA newspeak – but there’s still plenty of canned noise). After a delay to get in a few more adverts and a message from our sponsor. It’s Rovers, with Shearer and Garner up front, playing a European game against Bayer Red Bull Philips. These European fans seem to speak such good English: “I’m lovin’ it” they sing. Nobody understands this really as Rovers are already one up, with a goal by Shearer, from a Bryan Douglas cross.

While our players congratulate each other, all sorts of adverts are shown before the game kicks off again. Several goals are scored for both sides. But there are complaints from people watching this game about strange chants and singing changing from English into Mandarin Chinese. A commentator apologises, saying it’s satellite interference from Shanghai Sports. They are angry, saying Rovers broke a sponsorship agreement by not playing a Chinese player.

At the end of ninety minutes most viewers have some strange desire to eat turkey pizza and drink blueberry cola. It came to them during a simultaneous camera flash. But today’s match was played to a finish. Our match ends with Rovers winning by just one goal – 7-6 – after extra time. Today’s sponsor – Blueberry Pizzashop – was very pleased indeed.

This is fantasy football of a new kind. Brainwashing with soap opera thrown in too. But how would most football fans know anyway? Do you control football? Or does football control you? Kick off time is when the clock strikes thirteen – anywhere in the world. This could be football’s future. So get down to Ewood Park instead, where the real thing isn’t just a fizzy drink.