WAR DAMN ABRIDGED PREVIEW

UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR

I decided to only do an absurd game prediction this week. You know, for fun.



100% ABSURD GAMEDAY PREDICTION



Kevin Sumlin has just woken up. He crosses his bedroom to return his sleeping visor to its resting place when he hears a light tap against his bedroom window. He's on the second floor, so he thinks it must be the wind. He goes to fetch his shower visor and the paper when he hears it again. Sumlin sighs and crosses the room toward the window and looks down.



Nothing.



"Huh," thinks Coach Sumlin. "Must be hearing things."



As he finishes that thought, he looks up to see a grinning Johnny Manziel sitting in the corner of his bedroom. He is smiling creepily and has a fixed stare on his Coach.



"J-Johnny? Is everything OK?"



Manziel continues to stare at the coach as he slowly stands up. Manziel is completely silent as he holds up a series of cards for KDS to read. Sumlin reads them aloud because it makes the narrative work better when that happens.



"Hey, Coach." Reads the first.



"Do you want. / To Know. / What my costume is?" Read the next three. "Um. OK, Johnny. Wh...um what's your costume going to be this year?"



Johnny takes three steps toward Sumlin. Slowly Johnny pulls the KDS to him and leans into his ear to whisper.



"I don't know yet. Halloween isn't for 2 weeks. See you at Kyle where I'll be the one dressed as the motherf***ing Heisman winner. These guys look war damn..."



Johnny slowly puts on his sunglasses



"Feeble."



Inexplicably, The Who plays as Johnny leaves the room. Sumlin shakes his head and goes about his business.



Ags 45 Tigers 17



THE CAST: TRE, TRA, TREY, TRAY BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Tre Mason After a thousand-yard season in 2012, Mason is leading the Tigers with over 500 yards on the ground halfway through the season. Cliche description: WORKHORSE.



Tra Carson The Oregon transfer is finally getting his turn after waiting patiently last season and has won over the Aggie faithful with his no-nonsense inside punishment. Cliche description: BRUISER.



Trey Williams This sophomore phenom bulked up a bit during the off-season, and now that he's healthy he's begun to wow the crowds with his still-electric moves. Cliche description: BARRY SANDERS.



TONEY Hurd The senior captain has had a fairly quiet season so far. Look for him to make a big play and SHARK IT.



TONY Stevens This true freshman is tall (6'4"), and he's fast. This is not good for our secondary if he's lining up as the 3rd or 4th receiver. Tied for second on the team with 1 TD on the year WAR OFFENSE.



Cameron TONEY The epicenter of Auburn-A&M crossover names. Sure, he hasn't played yet in his career, but with these two defenses anything can happen, especially against a fellow potent offense.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY J.P. 03

A More Challenged QB? Much has been made of the sight of Johnny yawning on the sideline during the second half last week while the score was still way too close for comfort. Even though it was a nailbiter for us mere mortals, it’s almost as if lining up against teams outside the Top 10 is too boring for him now. We the fans were pacing nervously around our living rooms and firing up our keyboards in preparation for a full-scale meltdown, but to Johnny, the outcome was never in doubt. Reminds me a video game that you’ve already beaten but you don’t want to stop playing, so you work your way back through it by placing ridiculous restrictions on yourself to make it a lot more challenging (like completing missions on GoldenEye by only slapping people, for example). Against Ole Miss, it was "only throw to the white receiver for a full quarter" and "wait at least 10 seconds in the pocket before taking off running." Can’t wait to see what Johnny comes up with to keep the Auburn score close.



Lots of Running Plays Uh oh. It says here that Auburn is the seventh-best rushing team in the country, averaging 287 yards per game. And it says here that A&M ranks 91st at defending the run, giving up 193.4 Gary Darnell-esque yards on the ground every week. In other words, get ready to watch our defense get steamrolled, play after agonizing play. And the more we have to watch Tre Mason and Cameron Artis-Payne ram the ball down our throat, the less time we get to watch the A&M offense work its sweet, sweet magic. To make yourself feel better, watch this. If the memories of actually stuffing an Auburn running back don’t make you feel better, hopefully the amazing 80s metal guitar thrashing will. And if THAT doesn’t work, then pack up your bags and get out, communist!



Stability at the Kicker Position If you had told me that the Ole Miss game was going to come down to A&M’s ability to hit a clutch last-second field goal, I would have saved myself the 3 hours of TV watching and just gone ahead and curled up in a ball and started weeping right then. But enter Josh Lambo, and all of a sudden we’ve gone from pure agony to a game-winning hero at the kicker position. I haven’t seen a nemesis-to-hero transformation like this since Jurassic Park. Watching the T-Rex chase down a Ford Explorer and ruthlessly eat that dude in the outhouse definitely put it in the "people (or creatures) I could never cheer for" category, but then something strange happened: just when we thought Dr. Grant, Lex, and little Timmy were going to be devoured by velociraptors, none other than the T-Rex shows up to save the day and cement itself in my good graces forever. Although now that I watch that clip again, I’m reminded that I actually wouldn’t have really minded if Lex had been eaten. She talked too much.



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY J.P. 03

#22 Florida at #14 Missouri Wait, what? #14 Missouri? Raise your hand if you saw that one coming when this season started. Sadly, I’m afraid that without James Franklin, stretching that incredible 6-0 start to 7-0 ain’t looking good, but I did want to at least acknowledge Mizzou’s remarkable season before reality sets in this weekend. By the way, could you imagine what would happen if we both somehow managed to win out, Bama miraculously took a nosedive, and the Aggies and Tigers met up in Atlanta for the SEC Championship Game? There would be a meltdown the likes of which hadn’t been seen in this conference since Lane Kiffin bolted Tennessee (there are much more hilarious fan reaction videos out there, but out of respect for your work filters, I’m gonna have to let you look them up on your own). Mizzou-rah!



LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY STEWADE

YESBRRRRR! BY CUPPYCUP What happened to Fall? Well, this is Texas and we have two seasons, Summer and Winter. Unless you break Summer into three sub-seasons: discomfort, agony, and death. The high temperature this Saturday will be around 70 degrees and boy does that sound amazing. But remember that you've lived in Texas for a long time and your blood is thinner than our defensive 2-deep. It's time to stock up on heavier clothing and Aggie Snuggies are not acceptable on any occasion. The Aggieland Outfitters Winter Collection has all of the jackets, sweatshirts, hoodies, hats, and scarves you and your family need to survive another brutal Texas winter.



Text GOODBULL to 99000 on 10/17 for a chance to win the Adidas hoodie from AO.



BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE The best case for this week is that Johnny doesn't put us through that roller coaster of emotions that we got to ride against Ole Miss. Seriously, I think I'm still suffering from Post JFF Near Injury Stress Disorder (PJFFNISD). I can't even sing the "knee" part of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" this week. Shut up, I do that in the shower every morning and it's NONE of your business. It helps me to remember how to stay clean. Whatever. Anyway, the other best case is that we get a Kristi Malzahn post-game interview after she's had a half box of Franzia Chardonnay. We need you unfiltered, Kristi. Don't dial that personality down, ma'am! Turn. That. Shit. Up. To 11.



WORST CASE Cam Newton returns to play one more game for Auburn against Manziel and the Aggies because that would signify the college football apocalyptic fantasy over which Darren Rovell certainly sins with himself.



@TelcoAg Auburn, having never played at Kyle, mistakenly releases the War Eagle to have it killed by it's natural Mexican Bat predator. #GBHTailgate



@erickmartin So, are we gonna use the running clock this week, or is that just for games at Jordan-Hare? #GBHTailgate



@katiehime I always read the #GBHTailgate in my supply chain class on Wednesdays. What am I supposed to do today? Take notes? Is this a joke?



@OneTAggie I need to come up with something funny just so #GBHTailgate has to post a picture of me squeezing a pig nip.



@MaroonOut LAST week to get your Maroon Out shirt!! Rudder Plaza, 10-3 for $8!! #GBHTailgate pic.twitter.com/63Y0n4W8LC



@HypnoToad03 I think Auburn has as good odds for a win as @rcb05 has of being featured on #GBHTailgate



@BarbieYell If you need me after the Auburn game I'll be ceremoniously throwing tp in the Century Tree. #GBHTailgate

