I spoke to Melzer about the unique plight of the stay-at-home dad and how the two-pronged “manhood test” has evolved—and not evolved—over time. The conversation that follows has been edited for length and clarity.

Ashley Fetters: How did you arrive at the conclusion that traditional masculinity is basically breadwinner status plus bodily strength and control?

Scott Melzer: What we find is that men rank these as the most important aspects of their identities as men. My research is mostly about how men respond when they fail to live up to expectations, and when they fall short on these two particular measures of manhood, this is where we see the most dramatic reactions.

Some of my research has examined how men who are in relationships with women are much more likely to engage in intimate-partner violence when they are failed breadwinners, and also when they’re doing what some might call “women’s work.” When their jobs are not providing them with a sense of masculine identity and status, they’re more likely to engage in competitive masculinity or compensatory violence, and use violence against women and partners to reassert their masculinity.

The many possible meanings of the ‘masculinity crisis’

Fetters: Is there much research on how common it is to be a stay-at-home dad?

Melzer: There’s a small but growing body of research, starting in the past 10 to 15 years or so. I think these folks have been flying under the radar for a long time, even though with the Great Recession there was a pretty significant increase in the number of stay-at-home dads, many of whom were forced into that situation sort of against their will. By all accounts they’ve declined since the recession ended and the economy recovered. A lot of those men who were forced into being stay-at-home dads returned to the workforce if they desired to do so.

Fetters: What are some of the indicators that a stay-at-home-dad situation is going to work out well?

Melzer: Certainly resources matter. Whether parents have the financial resources to be able to choose to stay at home—and that usually means having a partner with a good income—matters. The politics and beliefs of the [potential stay-at-home dad’s] parents matter a lot, too—whether parents believe that it’s okay for the dad to be a stay-at-home dad. And the support and expectations that they receive from their families matter quite a bit. All those things are essential in determining whether someone can choose to be a stay-at-home dad and essentially withstand the inevitable critiques and questioning from others.

Fetters: In a lot of your anecdotes about the stay-at-home dads you spent time with, it seems they “found their groove” when they met other stay-at-home dads or joined groups for stay-at-home dads. Why does that help?

Melzer: Parenting young children in general can be a very isolating experience. And the men I spoke with feel that’s especially the case for them because their numbers are small, and many of them felt marginalized, or even distrusted and feared, by moms. So it’s an alien experience for many of these dads, and there are some unique gendered aspects of this experience that only other men would be able to relate to and understand. And so having that support is essential.