How seriously do Alabama Republicans take the looming danger of same-sex couples? They’re so wigged out that they’ve revived a proposal from last session to take marriage out of the probate judges’ offices and turn it over to the lawyers. If SB143 passes, Alabama couples will no longer get a marriage license. They’ll just visit a friendly, neighborhood attorney and presumably whip up a nifty little contract worthy of the Hohenzollerns.

Let’s compare the system we have today with this proposal:

Go to Probate Judge, fill out a form, pay your money, get a marriage license.

Go to judge, minister, or other authorized wedding officiant and get married.

Here’s a taste of the new system:

Section 2. (a) On the effective date of this act and thereafter, the only requirement for a marriage in this state shall be for parties who are otherwise legally authorized to be married to enter into a marriage as provided herein. (b) The marriage document required to be executed by the parties shall contain information to identify the parties as set forth in Section 22-9A-6, Code of Alabama 1975, as well as the following minimum information:

(1) The full legal names of both of the parties.

(2) A notarized affidavit from each party declaring

all of the following:

a. The affiant is not currently married.

b.1. The affiant is not a minor; or

2. The affiant is a minor and has the consent of a parent or guardian.

c. The affiant is legally competent to enter into a marriage.

d. The parties are not related by blood or adoption such that the marriage would violate Section 13A-13-3, Code of of Alabama 1975.

e. The affiant is entering into the marriage voluntarily and of his or her own free will and not under duress or undue influence.

(3) The signatures of the parties.

(4) The signatures of two adult witnesses.

(5) If one of the parties to the marriage is a minor, a sworn affidavit of the parent or guardian of the minor consenting to the marriage. (c) A marriage conforming to the requirements of this section shall be valid on the date the marriage is executed by both parties, provided the affidavits, forms, and data are recorded in the office of the judge of probate in accordance with Section 22-9A-17 of the Code of Alabama 1975.

(d) A civil and independent or religious ceremony of marriage, celebration of marriage, solemnization of marriage, or any other officiation, or administration of the vows of marriage may be conducted or engaged in by the parties by an officiant or other presiding person to be selected by the persons entering into the marriage. The state shall have no rrequirement for any such ceremony or proceeding which, if performed or not performed, will have no legal effect upon the validity of the marriage.

(e) The affidavits, forms, and data shall be filed in the office of the judge of probate and shall constitute a legal record of the marriage of the parties. A copy of the form provided by the Office of Vital Statistics shall be transmitted by the office of the judge of probate to the Office of Vital Statistics and made a part of its record.

(f) A judge of probate shall accept for recording a certificate of marriage for an out-of-state marriage. Such recording with the office of the judge of probate shall be prima facie evidence of the validity of the out-of-state marriage. Certificates of marriage for out-of-state marriages shall not be forwarded to the Office of Vital Statistics.

You can almost hear Senator Bill Albritton as Bill Murray in Ghostbusters: “Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!” And only Albritton and his “marriage contract” bill stands between us and the marriage apocalypse.

Not addressed in this legislation is how other states, corporations, and the federal government will view our “marriage contracts.” If this passes, will courts have to deal with multiple lawsuits where people waving “marriage contracts” instead of marriage certificates and wanting the tax breaks and benefits that to with “marriage” argue with entities that denied them?

SB143 fulfills two of the GOP supermajority’s key goals:

Never think about the consequences of a change before you make it.

More jobs in Alabama through “full employment for lawyers” PSA bills.

Last year, Alabama legislators wasted time on this bill in the General Session the special sessions taxpayers had to pay for because they couldn’t get their work done on time. Now it’s back.