Why couldn’t you understand that I gave my all and way more than I ever should have given for you. That when I was sad, I didn’t give a fuck how I felt as long as you were happy. How I remembered all of your favorite songs that I hated but you enjoyed so I memorized the lyrics.

How I gave you all of these personal gifts and gave you all of the bands I loved and cherished and watched you say thanks and throw those things to the side.

How you always tried to coerce out of me that I was forming a relationship with your best friend behind your back. But I thought that was insane and reassured you countless times that I never did.

Because the thought of losing you scared me.

How I would go to your house and stay up with you late at night and when you fell asleep I would hold you as tight as I could so that when your night terrors woke you up I was right there to calm you down.

How I would hear from others that you were complaining about me and how I acted and I ran them off as just rumors. How I never believed such hurtful words could come from your mouth.

How I spent all of my money to see you for weeks at a time because if I didnt you would say you felt like we were growing apart.

How when you got angry at me for something I didnt do I would apologize anyways just to make you feel better because I couldnt handle another argument.

Because every day I was on the brink of killing myself if I lost you.

You were all I had then. My friends would tell me to stop but I couldn’t. Because living without you would be death.

How countless times I risked the relationship with my parents and was almost shunned by my father.

How I could care so much about you, by see you becoming less and less interested, but when I said I could come to see you your eyes would light up.

And when those plans failed and I couldnt come you would get angry at me and tell me I will never change and to not give you fail hope.

But if I didnt give you false hope you would threaten me with small remarks that shattered my world.

How I spiraled out of control when I was away from you and you were upset and I would wake up in puddles of my own vomit from the night before when I couldn’t handle anymore and drank to forget you hated me. Forget I loved you more while you loved me less.

Forget that you complained to all of your friends and never talked to me about our problems. And when things weren’t going your way you would say something to hurt me. And I would agree that I was stupid or uncaring because I couldnt lose you.

How I would sit on the phone with you and talk while you didnt put any effort forth. And when I couldnt talk for thirty minutes straight with no response or you got bored you would hang up.

You told me to leave wisconsin. So I could see you more.

You told me to never talk to my dad again because me and him argued.

You told me to see you more because you made me happy.

Remember the night I called you crying and screaming because I didnt know what to do about anything. I was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out. And you said “Now you know how I feel.”

I wanted to die so badly that night.

I wanted to end it all.

I didnt sleep for almost two days.

I couldnt even cry anymore.

All I could do was stare at the wall snd think about what a monster I was.

How you would talk about your ex when I was angry at you. How you said if I could have dated you six months earlier that I could have saved you from so many horrible events. Like it was my fault.

How when I told you you needed help you told me to not come up and see you.

How when we took a break you went and hung out with your ex you said you hated and never told me.

There were more pictures of your best friend on your facebook than me.

When you changed accounts you kept the relationship status but left off my name.

How you constantly made indirect status about me for people to feel sympathy.

How you got your friend to attack me when we broke up.

How when you came to town and I couldn’t make it you complained to who you did hang out with.

The things I said to you.

I meant them.

I always did.

Did you ever mean what you said to me?

How about when I was on the floor crying and so high and shaking and scared for my god damn life. You said youd call me back.

How can you complain about me still.

Act like you were the good person.

Like I was a monster.

You were my first everything.

I fucking loved you.

By I guess it wasnt enough.

When the last words I ever said to you were “I hope we meet later down the road and can maybe become friends again. I wish you the best of luck.”

And you said Ok.

And that was it.

9 months of the most intense feelings I had about anything. And you say ok to sum them up.

And now all I can do is try to forget you.

Thats what love is to me now.

Because of you.