Every year we get someone that becomes super attached to the bachelor(ette) and thinks the show has turned into their love story and that the other contestants are just background filler. You could see this coming a mile away but our stage 5 clinger this year is Shawn. Dude looks like he’s ready for a Kelsey like panic attack every time Kaitlyn smiles at one of the other guys. Sure, no one can predict how they will act in a situation as messed up as this, but pull yourself together. The only “connection” she has with you is that she found a bunch of other guys to send home first. Take a couple of deep breaths, sack up, act normal. Not being a huge fucking weirdo is an extremely valuable trait in a group setting.

We open with Ian still ripping Kaitlyn about how much she sucks. A quick recap, Kaitlyn is shallow, surface level, and wants to make out with a bunch of dudes. Ian on the other hand is deep, Ivy league educated, your future bachelor. This is the world according to Ian. Little did he know that Nick was about to find out how deep Kaitlyn really was. Ian stomps off and the aforementioned Nick is there to make sure Kaitlyn is comforted and that all those mean things Ian said were lies. Anyone else see all the bracelets that Nick was wearing? He had to have at least 5 on one wrist. Probably one for each bachelorette he plans on sleeping with. We soon venture out into the Alamo for one of the more predictable rose ceremonies this year. I’ll save you the predictable last stand joke. Josh and his awful haircut were eliminated along with Justin. We’re leaving the country and headed for Ireland.

One on one date goes to Nicholas. They do touristy things like walk around the town, drink lots of whiskey, and Irish step dance. Nick joins in to look like he’s fun and spontaneous but just looks like a fuck in tight pants stomping on the ground. Dinner that evening is held in an old Catholic church. You would think the two would have a little restraint based on where they were but they were awfully touchy feely throughout. I thought they were going to get it on right there in the church but then we saw this sign:

Kaitlyn flashes the bedroom eyes and they go back to her place instead. After some small talk on the love seat the conversation quickly moves to the bedroom. We head to the commercial break with lots of heavy breathing and even more left up to our imagination. We now know for sure that Nick doesn’t get whiskey dick. How freaky do you think they got? I can see Kaitlyn being into anal.

The next morning Nick is taking the walk of shame back to the hotel room and Kaitlyn is out on her balcony questioning what happened. She is probably hoping that her date that night is also at the church so she can say a few Hail Mary’s. Instead her group date consists of a fake wake. Kaitlyn pretends to be dead in a coffin and the guys are supposed to say something about her. Most took the humorous approach with one joking that she killed herself because of having to be with Nick. Little do they know that she’s dead because he blew her pelvis out the night before. And wait a second, weren’t these the same guys that pretended they didn’t know what bad haircut Josh was saying when he tried explaining that no one liked Nick? Now they are fine with making jokes about him when he isn’t there? Seems like Josh was the only one with any balls. Anyway, Ben Z tells the guys to exit the room and does a super serious speech. Kaitlyn tell him how nice he is and he’s a teddy bear. That’s not what you want to hear on a dating competition. The guys return and Dropkick Murphys is there playing to try and get the mood back. Jared ends up getting the group date rose and they head off to have someone awkwardly play a song for just the two of them. I was secretly hoping for Sinead O’Connor since she is a mess. I was then looking to see if it was Enya because what says Irish-Celtic music more than Enya. Instead we get The Cranberries. You’ll recognize their song Linger. You know the one, “do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger”:

They changed the words up a little however. The Cranberries instead went with “Nick used more, Nick used more, Nick used more than his finger”.

Meanwhile, Shawn is battling some inner demons. He just doesn’t understand why Kaitlyn is hanging out with these other guys when they were clearly meant to be together. Shawn has also never seen the show before. We see him commiserating with what he calls a “friend”. That is what we call a producer, Shawn. They aren’t your friends and are loving this out of you. He takes off towards Kaitlyn’s room while mumbling that he can’t do this anymore. Kaitlyn is freaking out thinking that he knows about her and Nick banging it out. I can’t wait until she tells on herself next week and Nick goes “missing”.

The credit sequence this week marks the return of Britt and Brady. They are a few weeks ahead of the actual show because Brady is being introduced to her mom. That’s good for him, right? Normally yes, but she keeps calling him Britt’s friend. Since Brady has probably never been with a girl that hot he’s fine with whatever her mom wants to call him. He hopes that one day she refers to him as her friend-in-law.

As for those that Kaitlyn hates and those that hate Kaitlyn:

See you next week

- Nick