I understand there is still talk of there being a WoW film. It’s probably already been written but not one to be deterred by real life in any sense of the word I have drafted my first screenplay. Now to find an agent…!

THE CASE OF THE BLOODY FIVE

By

Bravetank

FADE IN:

INT. UNDERCITY POLICE STATION NIGHT

SERGEANT PICKFORD and INSPECTOR JONES walk hurriedly down a well lit corridor.

INSPECTOR JONES

It’s messy sir. They’re all upset. Can’t get the priest to calm down. Keeps trying to smite himself.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Where did you pick them up?

INSPECTOR JONES

Wondering around Tirisfal Glades. All five were covered in blood. The tank was mumbling something about Interrogator Vishas being pulled too soon. Didn’t make any sense. We searched the monastery. The interrogator is dead. Again.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Poor bastard.

The Sgt enters a door on the left. A warlock sits at a table, imp on lap.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

My name is Sgt Pickford. I need to ask you some questions.

WARLOCK

I’m tired. I’m life tapping.

The Warlock does something clever with hands and visibly weakens before the Sgt.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Why are you life tapping now? What’s the point?

WARLOCK

I want to be ready. For when I see… never mind…forget it…

The warlock puts his head in his hands, slightly rumpling his unusual cloth helm.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

See who?

WARLOCK

(snarling)

Nothing. This isn’t your business. We would have been ok if that bloody priest hadn’t died. L2P healer I said, L2P.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Why did the healer die?

WARLOCK

Why do you think? Too much bloody healing too soon. Never learnt threat management. Rookie mistake. Must have pulled the attention of the big guy. And then took ages running back. By then it was too late. We were dead.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

But what about the soulstone?

WARLOCK

(uneasily)

What do you mean?

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Why didn’t the healer use the soulstone you gave him?

The warlock shifts in his seat and looks around. The imp starts nervously playing with his fireballs.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Answer me

WARLOCK

I… I… didn’t give him one.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

(stunned)

What?

WARLOCK

You heard me. I didn’t give him one.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

(angrily)

What is the point of being a warlock if you’re not going to give the healer a soulstone?

WARLOCK

But he didn’t ask for one.

Sgt Pickford takes a deep breath. Then a resigned expression comes across his face.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

(continuing)

He shouldn’t have to. You make me sick.

The Sgt gets up from his seat and turns to go but then stops and looks back.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

(continuing)

Just one more question. I’ve been told someone pulled too soon. Was it you?

WARLOCK

No! No! I never do that! I’ve been playing for years,

SERGEANT PICKFORD

I’m not talking to you – I’m talking to him.

The Sgt points at the imp. The imp shakes his head and smirks.

IMP

I wasn’t even out. Our friend here is affliction not destruction and that felhunter has long gone. You’ll never find out anything from him.

The Sgt looks disappointed, shakes head and leaves room.

He enters a second door on the left and sees a warrior sitting there, looking at his reflection in his shield.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

So you were the tank in this little PUG I understand

WARRIOR

Yes I was the tank. And I’m a good tank. I’ve done that dungeon loads of times. It was all fine until … well I don’t know what happened. I had told them all you yank it you tank it. I had made nice with the priest – we all need a pocket healer. I went straight to the mobs on the left. It was all done as it should be.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

So what happened. In the wrong stance were you?

The warrior looks indignant.

WARRIOR

How dare you. I never use the wrong stance. Well. That one time maybe. But I realised then … I didn’t need the entire group yelling FFS and I told them so at the time.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

So what happened then?

WARRIOR

I don’t know. I used concussion blow and shockwave. I thunder clapped. I even turned the mobs around so I could see what the dps were doing. But was too late.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

You managed to do some looting though.

WARRIOR

What do you mean?

SERGEANT PICKFORD

You handed in this when you came in.

He holds out a cloth belt.

WARRIOR

Yes so what.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

You’re a warrior. You wear plate. Why do you have a cloth belt?

WARRIOR

I… I…

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Tell me straight. Did you need on it?

WARRIOR

No

But he starts to cry

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Tell me the truth goddammit. I’ve got a priest in the next room apparently in bits. Did you stop him having this? It has spirit on it for chrissake.

WARRIOR

Ok…ok…yes I needed on it.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

There’s a word for people like you.

WARRIOR

I know…I know…I’m a ninja. But you don’t understand.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

What is there to understand?

WARRIOR

My mother….my mother….she is quite demanding. She loves a bit of cloth. I needed it for her.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

So you went into a dungeon pretending to be a tank….

The warrior shifts uncertainly.

WARRIOR

What do you mean pretending?

SERGEANT PICKFORD

We’ve looked at your talents- we know you’re Fury. You misled them. You misled them all.

The warrior puts his head in his hands, defeated.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

No more questions.

The Sgt gets up and leaves the room. He enters a door opposite on the right. A mage is sitting at the table, then at the door, then the table.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Stop blinking

MAGE

Sorry I only do it when I’m nervous. Do you want a biscuit?

SERGEANT PICKFORD

I don’t accept bribes Abracadabra. Now tell me what happened?

MAGE

Don’t know. I was standing right at the back. I have a good range and I know how to use it. The tank went to clear the left corner first. Next thing everyone’s getting hit. I kept my presence of mind and threw out five arcane blasts on the trot. Five I tell you. Do you know what that does to my mana? Then I died.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

What were you fighting.

MAGE

Same thing as the tank.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

How do you know?

MAGE

I always target the tank then press F. It’s foolproof.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

How long did you wait for the tank to get aggro? Were you excited magic man?

MAGE

2 seconds, 3 seconds. Something like that. It was enough goddamit. I know it was enough.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Did you do a flame strike.

The mage looks uncomfortable.

MAGE

I’m arcane not fire.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Don’t play dull. You still have flame strike.

MAGE

Ok…ok…I used one. A little one. But that was all. And the mob he was fighting was already half dead by then. And there was no one close by. It can’t have been that. It can’t.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

No more questions

The Sgt walks into the second room on the right. A Priest sits there – wailing and rending his cloth.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Calm down please. I need to ask you some questions.

PRIEST

They all died. They all died. I need to repent but I’m a priest not a Paladin.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

How did they die?

PRIEST

I don’t know. I thought it was all under control. I was using all my heals

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Did you put power word: shield on the tank?

PRIEST

No…no…he’s a warrior. I didn’t want to stop him building rage. I’ve read all about it.

The Sgt sighs.

SERGEANT PICKFORD

You need to update your reading then. That hasn’t been the case for a couple of patches now. Haven’t you heard what Ghostcrawler said. He said “If a group is getting on to you for using PW:Shield as a Discipline priest (or jeez even a Holy priest), you have my permission to say “GC says you’re doing it wrong.”“

The Priest looks like he is going to argue, but then stops short. He begins to wail again.

PRIEST

I thought I was playing my class well

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Your type always does. That’s why they give you Penance. You’re going to need to do a lot of it. You practically sentenced that group to their deaths.

The Sgt walks out of room. The inspector is waiting for him

INSPECTOR JONES

So what do you think Sgt. Was it the priest’s fault?

SERGEANT PICKFORD

Not quite. There’s something else I can’t figure out. Some missing piece of the jigsaw. The priest should have used the shield but the mage gave the tank time and the affliction warlock’s not pulling anything with those bloody DOTS. No there’s something else.

The Sgt enters the final room at the end of the corridor. There is a hunter sitting behind the table, smiling vacantly. The Sgt turns on his heels and walks back out. Case closed.

FADE OUT:

THE END