The next time your daughter brings home a new boyfriend, be sure to ask his middle name

I get a lot of interesting letters in the mail. (To those of you who send me things, I apologize that I so rarely respond. If you want to hear from me, your odds are better — but still not great — on email.)

I got a package recently, however, that really stood out. It came from a Texas woman named M.R. Stewart, who is a proud mother, as well as being grandmother to four pit bulls.

Ms. Stewart has an unusual hobby: clipping newspaper articles of a particular ilk. She sent me copies of her most recent finds. All of these clippings were from her local newspaper, from February 2006 to the present. The articles had two things in common: (1) all of them were stories reporting on crimes, and (2) the perpetrator’s middle name was “Wayne.”

I have to say I was stunned by the number of examples she sent me; in order to protect the potentially innocent, I will obscure their last names:

Eric Wayne XXXXXX — sex charges

Nathan Wayne XXXXXX — kidnapping and beating, homicide

Ronald Wayne XXXXXX — triple homicide

David Wayne XXXXXX — 10 years for practicing nursing without a license

Larry Wayne XXXXXX — homicide

Paul Wayne XXXXXX — Theft

Michael Wayne XXXXXX — theft

Jeremy Wayne XXXXXX — homicide

Garry Wayne XXXXXX — knowingly having unprotected sex when HIV positive

Bruce Wayne XXXXXX — homicide

Joshua Wayne XXXXXX — assault of officer

Billy Wayne XXXXXX — homicide

Billy Wayne XXXXXX — assault

Billy Wayne XXXXXX — attempted murder and robbery

Kenneth Wayne XXXXXX — sex assault

Jerry Wayne XXXXXX — attempted homicide

Tony Wayne XXXXXX — aggravated assault of grandmother in front of her grandchildren, robbery

Larry Wayne XXXXXX — home invasion

Richard Wayne XXXXXX — police standoff

Charles Wayne XXXXXX — homicide

Maybe you could assemble a list this impressive for some other middle name, but I doubt it. Of course, these folks are following the path set for them by the notorious Chicago serial killer John Wayne Gacy, Jr.



(She also collects clippings with middle names that rhyme with Wayne…she sent me 4 DeWaynes, 4 Duanes, and 2 Dwaynes.)

After going through the package, I pulled my two oldest daughters aside (they are six) and told them they were not allowed to ever have a boyfriend with the middle name “Wayne.” Olivia, who is obsessed with a boy named Thomas in her class, is going to check on his middle name tomorrow.