Dating, as we've all already agreed I'm sure, is an absolute nightmare at the best of times. Then when you throw children into the mix, it all gets even more confusing. What if you find someone you really like, but they already have children of their own and you never want to be a mother?

A recent Reddit user posed that very question in an enlightening AskWomen thread. Mopish_kitty asked, "Women of reddit who don’t want children of their own, what is your experience in dating people with children? Was the experience positive? Were there difficulties that you faced as a couple or as an individual because of the child/children? How did your life have to change because of your choice to be with this person?"

Here's what 14 women said dating someone with their own kids was like...

1. "It put me off being with a man who has children"

"His kids were great. He and the kids' mother, not so much. During the school holidays, the kids would come to stay with us. He would go to work, while I stayed at home with them (I was a teacher, so I also had holidays at the same time). But like their father, their mother could also be a neglectful/irresponsible parent. She would often argue with their father, then refuse to pick up the kids when she was supposed to. This put a strain on everyone and the kids would often miss the first few days of school each [term]. Anyway, my school holidays ended up not being actual holidays. And when things were supposed to go back to normal, they rarely did. I'm glad I'm no longer in that relationship as it has, in part, turned me off from ever being with a man who has kids, especially if his ex is immature." [via]

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2. "We haven't told the kids the whole truth about our relationship"

"I'm polyamorous - my husband and I are childfree, but my boyfriend of four years has two children. I haven't been too thrown by the situation, since I don't live with the kids, and he only has them half the time so they aren't at his house constantly either. I think there've been two major effects though: 1) They take a LOT of time and energy - they are really his primary relationship. (As part of this, he also has to remain in close contact with his ex-wife, as they are still co-parents, which he otherwise probably would not do.) 2) There has been intense debate and conflict between the two co-parents on whether to tell the kids that he's poly (and, thus, whether to introduce them to me, or how to handle all that in general). He's mostly in favour of honesty, the co-parent is not. After two years we all decided that the kids could meet me if I took off my wedding ring and never mentioned being married... so now they know me and we exchange Christmas presents and stuff, but they don't know about my husband, or about their dad's other girlfriend. It's a stupid ticking time bomb as far as I'm concerned, and I look forward to the moment when the older girl figures it out (which she will)." [via]

3. "I became too involved with his daughter too soon"

"I left him in part because of it. At 24 I'd just come out of an engagement/relationship that had lasted nearly a decade, and was looking for casual relationships. Like I wanted to see the same person consistently, but I wasn't looking to plan for a future, so I didn't mind dating people with kids as long as they wanted the same thing, which he claimed he did at first. Due to a death in his family I became way too involved with his two-year-old daughter way too soon, and he wanted to settle down with me within a couple months of knowing one another. Had to nope out of that one. His daughter was awesome, but I didn't want to be a parent figure in her life, and since he was such a young father (21) she was unfortunately stunting his personal and professional growth, and I didn't have it in me at that stage in my life to be with someone who would be a 'project'. I don't miss him, but honestly I do miss her, although I don't regret my decision at all." [via]

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4. "I don't want kids dictating my sex life"

"As a general rule I don't date people with children. I did have a short fwb [friends with benefits] relationship with someone with two preteens but it ended largely because working around when the kids were around and when he could get away was ridiculous. I was understanding for a while but seriously I don't want children dictating when I can fuck." [via]

5. "I loved his son and still miss him"

"I was on the fence about kids, leaning towards no because while I really enjoy kids once they hit four years and older, toddlers and babies are just not for me. The experience was positive on the kid-front and also opened my eyes to a few new dating rules I had to put into place for myself. One of them being: do not get involved with the kids until the relationship is very secure and serious. With my ex things didn't work out and I hadn't expected to get as attached as I did. I loved his son, still do. I miss him and worry about him. It's a weird, uncomfortable place to be because I was not able to say goodbye or explain anything. I was virtually forced to disappear from this kid's life. It was twice the heartbreak and has made me reevaluate my involvement level in the future." [via]

6. "It sucked"

"Miserable. Just got out of a relationship with a guy who had two from a previous relationship. I never thought our relationship would become as serious as it did in the first place. I loved him very much but I just wasn't about that life. I was so incredibly uninterested in any stories about his kids, hanging around his kids, talking to his kids, going on outings with his kids... it honestly sucked. They both annoyed me all the time, especially the youngest one who would try to force me to play with him every 20 minutes. The oldest one was sometimes more tolerable because I could actually have a conversation with her and she was quiet most of the time. But I never enjoyed being around them. Total mood killer. But yeah, I never wanted to be a mum or a step mum to anyone else's kids so I guess you could say it was doomed from the start." [via]

7. "It was ok because we were casual"

"I casually dated a guy with a two year old daughter a few years ago. It was mostly fine because it was casual and I never really wanted to make him my boyfriend or anything. Occasionally it got frustrating that we had to make our evening toddler-friendly. After him I decided not to get involved with men with kids at all because I don't want kids, I don't even want step kids, and it would be easier to just not then to deal with the possible drama of a casual thing maybe developing into more... and what then?" [via]

8. "I was never his priority"

"Negative, and it was the reason I ended things. I found the lack of quality alone time, spontaneity, and stability to be too great to overcome. I resented that I would never be as much as a priority as I would like because almost every decision had to be run through the filter of ex wife and kids. Would not do again." [via]

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9. "I don't want any baggage"

"I will not date anyone who has children. In the past, I have made this clear before going out with anyone. Back when I was single and dating around I had two different fellas lie about not having kids before we met. Once I found out, they were out the door.

It's not that I don't like their kids or respect their children, I just do not feel like I need to deal with baby mama drama. I have no baggage and expect the same in return." [via]

10. "I want someone with freedom"

"I don't date people who have young children. I'm older, so some may have adult children. That doesn't bug me. But no young ones. Not my thing. They don't usually have enough freedom with their time. Grandkids wouldn't bug me. They wouldn't be a permanent fixture. I love kids. I'm the best aunt ever. But I knew very young that I was too selfish with my time to be a parent - it's good to recognise that. I'm not maternal in the slightest. Caring yes. Doting yes. Maternal nope." [via]

11. "Everything's changed since his child moved here from abroad"

"I’d never dated anyone with kids until I met my current boyfriend. We’ve been together five years now and his daughter is coming up to 12. It’s been ok for the most part - she lived abroad for four years so it wasn’t like she was a constant presence. She’d come over for summer and Christmas and my boyfriend would spend time with her then, and he’d go abroad to see her a few times a year too. This didn’t bother me because I really enjoy time to myself. She’s moved back from abroad now, and that has made a change because he’s got her every other weekend now so we have to make our plans around that schedule. I’ve met her a couple of times and she seems ok, and it’s strange to see how much she looks like my boyfriend, and really drives home the fact that he’s got a kid. When she was overseas, it was fairly easy for me to forget that she existed, as terrible as that may sound." [via]

12. "I tried but it didn't work out"

"Previous experience was negative, just as I imagined it would be — but I gave it a shot. Now I just immediately ask if they have children and tell them how I feel about not having children... typically they weed themselves out at that point!" [via]



13. "I never got used to it"

"I tried dating someone with a kid because I was young and dumb and thought since it wasn't my kid I'd be fine with it. Nope. I spent two years trying to convince myself I'd get used to it eventually, but it never happened." [via]



14. "I'm anti-birth"

"It's been ok. I had one serious boyfriend and a few casual dates/fwb situations. I'm not sure how I would feel about it now. It would depend on the guy. I'm not anti-kid so much as I am anti-birth." [via]



Paisley Gilmour Sex & Relationships Editor Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ. She definitely reveals too much about her personal life on the Internet.

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