Until I’d heard of Chiang Mai this seemed the only likely way to live on $300 a month.

Dear Diary,

We haven’t been formerly introduced, so here goes: my name’s Darren, I’m from Newton-Le-Willows which sounds much prettier than it actually is. I am nearly 23 but not quite. And I’m going to be a digital nomad.

What’s a digital nomad, you ask? Well, according to an article I read in Nomad Magazine which was written by Colin BG (the BG stands for Ballerina and Greyhound Racer apparently); a digital nomad is somebody who travels the world, with no skills whatsoever and then opens an online business (and Colin BG is happy to show people how to do this!) so that you can earn squillions of monies without having to do a proper job.

Given that I haven’t had a proper job since I accidentally burned down Tesco while working the night shift; this sounds pretty much ideal to me.

The good news (and slightly bad news too if I’m honest) is that becoming a digital nomad, according to the article, just means getting a few quid together and jumping on a plane to wherever Colin BG is in the world. The bad news normally would be that I never have a few quid; dole money doesn’t go as far as it did when my parents were young but the slightly bad/good news is that my granddad just died and he left me a little bit of money and some medals (which I didn’t get very much for from the pawn shop) so I can book a ticket for Chiang Mai immediately.

I’ll miss grandpa but it’s been about 3 years since he lost both his teeth and his marbles and it was uncomfortable the way that he’d start gumming your forearms when you visited him; so it’s also a bit of a blessing for him. At least he’ll have dentures in heaven.

Why Chiang Mai?

Well Colin is pretty clear on this point. He says that this is a lifestyle of independent, free thinkers and as such it’s important that we all live together in a place called Nimman. Nimman is like the Promised Land in The Bible but instead of milk and honey there are extra skinny soy lattes and vegan burgers.

It is also a place, he assures me, that people can live like a king on $300 a month. This seemed quite a good idea to me and I googled where the King of Thailand lives and that is one sweet home at the Dusit Palace. If you can get that for $300 a month, imagine what life will be like when I am making thousands of dollars dropshipping egg whisks and garlic crushers?

So, I sent Colin an e-mail telling him I was ready to move to Chiang Mai tomorrow but was he sure I could make squillions of dollars? He sent me one of his earnings reports which he said he’d thrown together in Photoshop that morning and he wasn’t making squillions of dollars; he was making two squillions! He also sent me a photo of his girlfriend and told me that hot chicks dig digital nomads just like me and him.

Then he offered to sell me his “Dropship like a prince and rake it in like a gardener!” course for a discount. He said it was worth $5,000 but for a limited time only period, it would be a super value $999.97. He said the 7 cents was the lucky part. I said that I thought that was good because if his course would have cost $1,000 it would have been too expensive. So I paid by PayPal immediately.

He also said I could come and work with him for a few months, as long as I didn’t mind not getting paid, so that I could learn all the secrets of this incredible lifestyle directly from him. I don’t mind telling you diary that this made me ecstatic with joy; I’ve seen Billy Elliot so I know that male ballerinas are awesome, so choosing to work for Colin was the easiest decision I’ve made in my life.

I sent Colin another e-mail and asked what I should pack for Chiang Mai.

Apparently all Digital Nomads travel very light indeed. He told me to bring a pair of boxer shorts, a pair of socks, a t-shirt, some shorts and some sandals. The whole community is very environmentally conscious and washes its clothes in the hotel sink every night to save on carrying stuff. He also said it was very important that I buy an Apple Mac because that’s the computer that all independent, free thinkers use. Then he sent me an affiliate link for the Apple store.

I also have to buy an Osprey backpack because it’s the only kind of backpack for nomads and he kindly sent me an Amazon affiliate link for that.

He also advised me to book a 2,500 Baht a month room in the Moobahn Mansions on Huay Kaew Road. He said that it takes time to work up to living a king’s lifestyle and that it’s probably best to start in something like a prison cell so that I’ll really appreciate my life much more when I am raking in squillions. He told me that if I mention his name at the front desk, they’ll make sure I get the room with the fluffiest pillows and which is closest to the Wi-Fi router.

He told me to e-mail him back when I had booked my ticket to Chiang Mai and he would arrange to meet me at Clueless Co-Working the day after I arrived. Clueless Co-Working is a place where everybody who is different from everyone else goes to be the same as each other. It’s like a club for people who don’t join clubs. It’s also where Colin BG built his squillion dollar operation from. So, it’s like walking in the footsteps of dancing giants who race dogs in their spare time.

It will cost me slightly more than my room rent to rent a desk in Clueless Co-Working but that’s OK; I am ready for the challenge of becoming a garlic crushing king in Thailand and a few small investments in my future aren’t the end of the world are they? Plus, I will get to meet all the other nomads who are just like me and are setting out on an exciting voyage of dropshipping and internet business stuff too.

I was just about ready to book my flight to Chiang Mai when I got another e-mail from Colin. He’d sent me an affiliate link for SkyScanner so that I could book my flight more easily. What a guy! I haven’t met him yet but I just know we’re going to be like best friends forever.

OK diary, I’m off to book my ticket now. More soon.

Darren the Digital Nomad

Note: All resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental. The diary of Darren the Digital Nomad is a work of satirical fiction. Honest.