THERE’S no doubt: US-Pakistan relations are important. They are also emotional, volatile, passionate — and deeply flawed.

I’ve often commented in this column on the Bollywood/soap opera-esque nature of the Washington-Islamabad connection.

Through history, the love-hate relationship has fascinated and intrigued a watching world.

Like others I have looked on with a mixture of curiosity and alarm as America and Pakistan have exchanged expressions of mutual love, followed by lies and accusations of betrayal.

Both have lived up to their reputation as brother-enemies, bound by a complex web of inter-dependence, envy and mistrust.

Drones, Osama bin Laden, Raymond Davis, AQ Khan, Kayani and Musharraf have their special place — nay chapters — in the many books written on America and Pakistan.

Truth be told, no country quite understands Pakistan like America does. And nobody knows how to twist Americans around their little finger than Pakistanis do.

Washington can bully, cajole and influence Pakistan in myriad ways. But Pakistan has more than mastered the art of manipulating Uncle Sam.

I was struck by the stark reality — and the many fissures and wounds — in the US-Pakistan relationship at a recent conference attended by a select group of American, Pakistani and European scholars and policymakers.

The meeting ostensibly focused on the many challenges facing Pakistan and ways in which the US and Europe could provide a helping hand, separately and — possibly in an ideal world — jointly to Islamabad.

There was agreement that Pakistan is undecided about its future direction, mismanaged by incompetent politicians, strangled by mullahs and run by an unscrupulous army and security services which have turned the country into a playground for the Taliban.

But the conversation was really about the US and Pakistan. Here’s what I took home.

First, Americans are focused almost entirely on Pakistan as a security threat. And that means dealing with the “real” power in Pakistan: the army.

Washington pays little heed to Pakistan’s squabbling civilian rulers, knowing the limits of their role and influence.

Given their focus on security, Americans also ignore Pakistan’s many other, tragic failings, including the spread of intolerance and repression, repeated human rights violations, mistreatment of minorities, discrimination against women and misuse of children.

For Washington, fighting the Taliban is about “hard security”, worrying about women and minorities are “soft” issues of secondary concern. Better leave it to the Europeans.

Murder of journalists and repression and harassment of the press? Not a cause for too much concern, just another reflection of the complicated political and social landscape of the world’s “most dangerous country”. Nothing much that outsiders can do to change the situation. Washington is not too bothered.

Even as some US experts said it was time Washington washed its hands off such a toxic place, others insisted that while Pakistan may be a complicated and difficult ally, it is also “too dangerous to fail”.

So while Washington can rage and rant against the unpredictable twists and turns in Islamabad’s policies, it can’t let go. Can’t live with you, can’t live without you.

The US and Pakistan are tired of each other, complained a much-respected American scholar. Washington has no long-term vision of what to do with and about Islamabad. The two sides’ interests are not aligned and there is no basis for a deepening of relations.

For most of the two days, Americans wagged their fingers, pointing to the many deficits in Pakistan’s handling of its multiple security threats, its continuing efforts to distinguish between the “good” and “bad” Taliban and its troubled relations with Afghanistan and India.

Pakistanis may have disliked the patronising tone of the US discourse but appeared to relish the attention. Pakistan must not be compared to India or any other Asian country, insisted Pakistani participants because the country was special, different, unique.

If only. As Asian countries engage in a fiercely competitive race to the top, seeking to make their mark as full-fledged actors in the Asian century, Pakistan lags far behind, hijacked by religious extremism and economic stagnation.

Pakistan is not an exception, not special. And comparisons with India and further afield with Malaysia and Indonesia are important and valid because they spotlight the many weaknesses of a country which has squandered its potential as a “rising” Asian power because of short-sighted policies and out-dated security dogmas.

In the 21st century, countries are respected if they grow and thrive, nurture innovation and creativity and connect with their neighbours and global partners as constructive political and economic actors.

It’s not too late. Playing the blame game with Washington may be fun for bored politicians and generals. But it’s only through building stronger regional trade ties, increased attention to the rights of citizens and more resolute action against extremism that Pakistan can become part of the Asian mainstream.

—The writer is Dawn’s correspondent in Brussels.