STORRS, CT—Researchers at the University of Connecticut’s Nutritional Sciences Department released a statement Thursday recommending Americans increase their intake of whatever food will earn them a free T-shirt. “Whether the meal required for nutritional and sartorial lifestyle supplementation be a five-pound hamburger, a five-gallon bucket of hot wings, or 500 shrimp, we strongly advise that Americans consume an amount of novelty foodstuffs adequate to earn a free T-shirt upon finishing their oversized portion,” said professor Lucille Jenkins, who noted the manifold proven benefits corresponding to the increased consumption of 54-inch pizzas, 72-ounce steaks, or 21-scoop ice cream sundaes, including, but not limited to, the acquisition of T-shirts proclaiming and commemorating one’s gustatorial accomplishments. “We find that it would be in all Americans’ best interests to not only consume foods with monikers such as ‘The King Kong Cheesesteak’ or ‘The Big Bad Bacon Bomb,’ but to do so within restaurant-prescribed time limits, as not doing so will result in subjects not only having to pay for their meal, but doing so without receiving a commemorative garment.” The nutritionists went on to recommend that Americans only vomit after having finished their meal so as not to be disqualified from taking home their prize.

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