A life not striving by others for your dream is bound by fate, but fall not into the recursion and have an unfortunate beautiful ending.

I vaguely remember my bunk bed in it's proper form.

My bed later became deconstructed into two separate beds, one for my brother and the other for me "independently to use" in my own room. The true glory of a fully assembled bunk bed was before my brother was born and when I ruled the top bunk during the night. I would stare into the dark sky, high from the ground and out a window near the ceiling of my room. The experience lasted till I was seven years old and when my family left Canada for a job my Dad received to work in Germany. Before leaving I had the best view of the stars outside my window and where my honest wishes never came true. No altered life by a higher power granted for me to cherish. Instead a privilege of knowing true aloneness.

Was I robbed by others, myself, or by fate are the three questions I asked myself a lot.

I tend not to blame myself because it's actually the easiest of the three to throw out. You never should blame yourself if you're a rational thinker and even without the knowledge of fate. I've been annoyed with myself academically, doing assignments during the last day or hours before handing my work in (don't get me wrong, I blamed myself a lot growing up when it appeared necessary). Blaming others is too easy for me. Loving people who were destined in the grand scheme of things, in making me never have a chance of my dream and by an ill-doctrine defined as religion factoring into the equation. I ultimately blame fate in the end. We're all born into a world where free will does not exist and everything is based on determinism. Towards my final years in life did I become educated enough to understand fate and how it's truly the only thing to blame. Schools should handout homework of educational value of that sort and make life even more interesting to experience! Basically, you cannot blame anyone or have the right to judge others and when fates conflict with your own; you find the answers to your pain when you understand determinism completely.

My suicidal thoughts first occurred around mid puberty.

Early puberty wasn't a cake walk as well. I lived eighteen years without touching my private area and which is sort of difficult to do. I used toilets by always sitting and had friends question why I never used urinals while attending elementary school.

Humans are poor witnesses!

My parents have argued I never once disliked going to church growing up. Au contraire, I despised anything religious in life and was vocal to them about it. I had the type of parents whom would threaten "no presents if not attending church with the family" almost every year and even past childhood. My father lashed out once to me, "do you have something against women" for arguing with my mother on occasions around my anger towards her controlling tendencies with him being a dunce to the conflict. I have never once in my life felt comfortable being in a salon by how my mother forced me to cut my hair short once it would get a little passed mid length and once again this occurred past childhood.

I've cried a lot in my life.

Majority of the time, nobody was around to hear it and it's because of justified events making me a person that cannot express myself when needed or correctly. Nobody apparently can understand my views because my pain is prized by being an minority. I had the fortune of having a destiny where pain & sorrow made me do things to have my life not be boring.

A person should always be something inspiring, otherwise life becomes dull and monotonous.

The privilege to strive for my own beautiful image in life was not destined as being born a male. I attempted the second best possibilities but the exponential growth in pain and especially during my early-mid twenties to now, made everything futile.

Our world is our reflection. It can't be perfect, because we are not perfect.

I understand how eternal recurrence is a mathematical valid theory and events in my life have made it mirror true reality. The universe is the greatest computational power visible to humanity, capable of processing infinite sub-universes, as time is just infinite events triggered one after another with the whole-universe infinitely expanding and where the variables that made our reality will occur for eternity; thus making our lives infinite in repeating. Unfortunate if you're like me but it's alright because to me..

As above, so below, whatever you think manifests in real life.

How we perceive life, depends on our inner qualities.

I still find it all beautiful. I'm positive this world is Hell to me, maybe you as well but for some it's Heaven and just maybe the end is near for my suffering. I've had hints or events to deter suicide.

I fear for others when it comes to sanity.

The individuals thinking I'm suffering a mental illness are irrational when it comes to anything other than gender dysphoria. I've found it necessary to comment, the time era of reality I'm in, has suicide as the best path and labeling a person mentally ill based solely by wanting to die is very scientific! Nobody should want to die. Yet, when the world DOES NOT ACCEPT YOU, fuck the world and everyone in it. NOBODY should have to contribute to the world by living in the current state of affairs of reality for people of my sort and depending on the situation at hand. A lot of transgender people are doing a disservice to others by encouraging to live and arguably it makes sense to keep the minority from a less minority; to grow it in numbers. Maybe if we were not such a minority, we would have rights to fairness and when it comes to finances for necessary medical procedures.

Suffering is diverse, it's not treated equal and depending on the classification you fall into is how finances are allocated.

I've lived a life of seeing individuals get finances by society for an illness and which could have paid for all the surgeries I may have required to make myself not suffer the pain of gender dysphoria. Myself has witnessed how society will spend hours of finances by society, wasting time of humans performing a role incapable of helping me and compared to the time a surgeon could have operated on me to fix my problem. The world is simply insane and metaphorically mentally ill or ugly as God.

God doesn't have free will, just like me.

I cannot fault anyone. Everyone is bound to the same chains. I've seen cases of individuals, whom believe others are abusing the resources of society and specifically when it comes to medical services. Who hasn't had these thoughts once? Reality is very deceptive! You believe this or that is the case but free will is an illusion and determinism makes everything fated. You cannot fault a person for anything when every event is based on the previous event. The person may only be at fault if they had the ability to chose their life before birth and had beforehand knowledge to how the proceeding events would result one by one until death.

My existence and all purpose I derive comes from only my life as I'm currently experiencing it. Humans presume themselves to have free will, a result of their awareness of appetites that affect their minds, while being unable to understand the reasons why they want and act as they do.

Finally, to the ones wanting to see the world burn.

The thought of destroying the world is a beautiful temptation for the suffering soul. It's simple to understand how one day our reality can be "Heaven for all" by the art of science. We all as a society were programmed to think along these terms while young and how to contribute in union towards Heaven for all.

We must only blame time. We are victims of time. The dice was loaded from the start. Our era destined to us by birth. The deciding factor on missing out on heaven for all is time.

If I had been born in a future era, my life would not have been restricted by religious belief and I could have lived joy. I cannot contribute in this world anymore. The effort of working while producing Heaven for some is unpleasant enough when it's Hell but try being in a Hell that has no escape. I've missed out on the best years of my life as the wrong sex. I'll not be able to get those years back or continue anymore.

The future if humanity is not wiped out by diseases may very well be Heaven for all. Yet how may you feel benefiting from tortured souls in Heaven is a great question. The likelihood everything is censored in the past is great. Losers never get to write history and it's always the winner.

Why exactly is it his-story and not her-story?

Should the creation of Heaven have a foundation based on suffering? Who cares the ones born into it may say.

Lastly, people should never be drugged against ones will or recommended anything of the sort when the answer is no. Cough..anti-depressants! I would rather be dead after suffering pain than being numb and contributing to a sick joke of a world that doesn't care. My body is sacred to me. Nobody should have control over metaphorically kicking my mental self out. No chemical imbalance exists in reality. Problems do exist in reality and that is everyone is an individual. We all should have that right to be unique and not be mentally tweaked.

I'm passionate about this because I had a doctor classify me as a schizophrenic and while suffering in the United States under my parents health insurance. I expressed on multiple occasions of suffering hearsay of others, bullying, having gender dysphoria and parents whom are not accepting people of questioning their views. Yet, the doctor chose to use his will over mine and attempt to drug my transgender self away and I truly believe he should be in prison as a deterrent. Isn't that how the law works and isn't that the only purpose of the law to have deterrents? It's impossible to prove everything, the small community where it happened Marquette, Michigan is greatly funded by the Hospital "UP Health System Marquette" owned and operated by Duke LifePoint Healthcare. The doctor with everyone involved in my torture would appear as jackasses if I ever received justice. No minority receives justice, it's apparently economically stupid and when you can just discredit the person wronged as a group. I struggled to be the person I am today because of the doctor that carried out his ill wishes and the people connected to the event that by their actions destroyed my life. I cannot blame him or the ill-people in the end, only time, nature, the universe, God or to me the Devil (this world is nothing more but Hell). The outlook I gained from seeing an insurance company "Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan" pay close to $60,000.00 for my forced 2 months of imprisonment and being drugged is too much; when nothing of the sort is spent on transgender people suffering a painful illness as equal deserving in needing treatment of the same finances.

In the end I did manage one of my goals, I gained employment at what should be considered a dream job.. If only I had received actual treatment for my gender dysphoria young is the reality. Currently it's an nightmare everyday to live. The benefits are amazingly where I work, being able to attend classes at a university and paid fully by my employer. Very relaxed when it comes to hours per week of programming is required. Sadly it's all meaningless at this point. Anyway I thought it would be thought provoking for myself to write my thoughts.

The End.