TORONTO – Overcoming seemingly impossible odds after having faced a gruelling heroic journey deep within the bowels of the financial system, the $67.89 you transferred from PayPal to your bank account has finally arrived in your account today, and thankfully, the money was all in one piece.

“There were times when I thought I wasn’t going to make it,” said the payment you received for cat sitting for your friend, adding that the horrors inside the frantic wilderness of wires and money will haunt it forever. “But whenever I was close to giving up hope, I thought about the other $324.55 waiting for me in your chequing account, and what it would be like when we were finally together.”

“That gave me the will to survive,” the money added.

The almost seventy-dollars recounts an epic tale of dodging demon forecasters, crossing the inhospitable amortization desert, and doing battle with debt goblins, just to make it to your account within 3-5 business days. According to sources familiar with the situation, your money was able to team up with a different transfer of $1729.21 but was lost halfway through when it grew several times larger and started speaking Japanese.

“I really wish I didn’t have to face the troll on the balance bridge and trick him into giving us the vault key,” said the money, adding that solving his riddles alone took up a business day and half of travel time. “But the scariest part of all was the weekends when everything just goes dark, and all you can do is sit and listen to the screams of other transfers as they wait out the void.”

Many in the financial community have criticized the current practice of forcing money to take a dangerous quest every time it needs to be transferred in favour of just having money appear in your account a few seconds after you send it, like, in say, literally all of Europe, for example.

“This is how our banks make interest,” said a press release from the Bank of Canada. “These tortuous journeys faced between accounts keep the nation’s currency strong.”

At press time, you sent the $67.89 back out into the wild to transfer into your savings account, only to be seen again, battered and bruised, in about two-to-three weeks.

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash