BroBible/Brandon Wenerd

Right now, as I write this, I’m chillin out in a little place called Aspen, Colorado — a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m here for the 2015 Winter X-Games, which are going on all weekend long. This morning the folks at Monster Energy let me hang with snowboarder Sage Kotsenburg, an America-loving Bro King who famously brought home a gold medal for Uncle Sam in slopestyle last year at the Sochi Winter Olympics. Rather than talking about the same old boring stuff like his snowboarding techniques or what he hopes to accomplish during the X-Games slopestyle event, I asked Sage if he’d be down to play a game of “Would You Rather?” He was most certainly down. A total Bro who says “sick” and “rad” as superlatives more than I do, Sage answered my ridiculous questions like a boss.

Below is our conversation, a.k.a. the first ever “would-you-rather” with an Olympic gold medalist.

Stay chill, Sage.

—

Would you rather use sandpaper for toilet paper or vinegar for eye drops?

Sandpaper for sure. It can’t be that bad. Bring it on!

Have no knees or no elbows?

Well I sorta need my knees to ride. So no elbows, dude.

Be a dragon or own a dragon?

Own a dragon for sure. It’d be so sick. I’d ride it all over town.

Lick another person’s armpit or chew their toenail?

I’d chew a toenail. Licking someone’s armpit is pretty gross.

Live in the Harry Potter universe or the Game of Thrones universe?

Dude, no question. Game of Thrones universe. That be so sick. I love that show.

Have a sawed-off shotgun in the Zombie Apocalypse or a flamethrower?

Sawed off shot gun, man. Blast ‘em!!!

You can only hear one artist for the rest of your life: Nelly or Lil Jon?

Nelly, hell yeah. Nelly rules. Country Grammar! Love that song.

You can only eat one thing for the rest of your life: Dominos or Chipotle?

Hmmmm. This is a tough one. I love pizza, but I think I’d have to go Chipotle.

Would you rather have an animal best friend who could speak to you and do regular human stuff, like a talking-dog that can hang out OR be married to a Kate Upton?

Oooooooh. Dang. This is hard. Hmmmm. I mean, I feel like if you had a talking dog that was your best friend, everyone would be so amazed that you’d be able to wife up a supermodel. So I’d have to go talking animal best friend. That would be so sick.

Would you rather have your thoughts broadcast at all times or only be able to wear underwear in public for the rest of your life.

So everyone would know what I’m thinking? Man, that’s dangerous. Definitely would go with being in my underwear. That wouldn’t be so bad.

Would you rather live in Jurassic Park OR The Walking Dead?

I think The Walking Dead for sure. Dinosaurs are scary man. I feel like my chances for survival are a lot better without dinosaurs trying to eat me. Zombies don’t seem so bad compared to dinosaurs.

Would you rather have to watch The Notebook on repeat every day for a year or listen exclusively to Nickelback on repeat every day for a year?

The Notebook, bring it on!