In a path breaking decision, the Supreme Court on last Monday asked the Indian government to withdraw all orders making Aadhaar or the unique identification (UID) number mandatory for residents. Also, earlier in January, bowing to political pressure and hue and cry from common citizens, the Indian government had put on hold its scheme to transfer subsidy money into bank accounts of consumers through Aadhaar. All this after Rs 3,494 crore had already been spent to enroll 53 crore Indians by the Unique Identification Authority of India till January of this year.

So, we at The UnReal Times have decided to come up with alternate uses for the Aadhar Card.

(Disclaimer: Aadhar is not a card, but a number. But our motto is “Never let facts come in the way of a good joke”.)

1. You are poor. You had great expectations from Aadhar card. Turns out, it is just a useless card. It is summer. It is hot. You can’t afford a fan. Worry not. Put together the Aadhar cards of your whole family and make this beautiful hand-fan. BOOM! Problem solved.

2. You are a badass and a bit of an idiot. You love the Joker in the Batman movie. You wish you also had a calling card to leave at the scene of your petty crimes. Lying on your table is the pristine and the totally useless Aadhar card. Make copies and leave them at your crime scenes. BOOM! Problem solved.

3. You just watched a kickass Japanese Ninja movie. You wish you had those cool Ninja Stars to throw at the baddies. Lying in your drawer is the brand new Aadhar card. Cut it in this shape with sharp edges to make your own Ninja Stars. BOOM! Problem solved.

4. You are enjoying your day off reading a thrilling book. But your restless neighbour is throwing Ninja Stars at you and distracting you. You wish you had a cool bookmark. You open your wallet and find your shiny new Aadhar card. Go ahead and shove that into your book. BOOM! Problem solved.

5. You are enjoying a leisurely weekend at home with friends. You decide to play a game of cards. Suddenly panic strikes as the Joker, everybody’s favourite card, is found missing. Fear not. What can be a bigger joke than the Aadhar card you’ve just got made. Make it your Joker card. BOOM! Problem solved.

6. Sunday afternoon with friends, cards and a fridge full of beer. But your heroic friend just lost a chip of his tooth while trying to open the beer bottle. No one wants to risk it now. Worry not for the solution is in your pocket. Cut your brand new Aadhar card in this shape and voila, you have your bottle opener. BOOM! Problem solved.

7. You just bought a vintage car. It is your pride and your neighbour’s envy. You want to ward off the evil spirits. But you want to do more than the standard mirchi and nimbu. Wonder no more. What can be more off-putting than that Aadhar card you just got made after much effort but is utterly useless now? Add your Aadhar card to the mirchi and nimbu and no evil will ever come anywhere near you. BOOM! Problem solved.

8. It’s the peak of summer. You are worried that the UV rays might affect your eyes. You recently bought new Ray-Bans. But you are still worried about their effectiveness in dealing with UV rays. The solution is right in your pocket. Cut your Aadhar in the desired shape and add them to your glasses for the right amount of protected vision. BOOM! Problem solved. Also, no chick will be able to resist you in those Aadharified shades.

9. You had enough of your boyfriend/girlfriend. You can’t stand him/her anymore. It is time to break up. You want to make a strong statement. But you don’t know how. Inside the newly arrived courier is a shiny new and completely useless Aadhar card. Voila! Make a break-up card with your Aadhar card and break up in style and with substance. BOOM! Problem solved.

We hope you take our suggestions and make most of your Aadhar card. If you have any such glorious ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments.