Government to spend £2bn on fire extinguishers as Boris prepares to set country on fire

The Tory government is investing heavily in fire fighting tools as Prime Minister Boris Johnson sets out to play with matches.

Boris Johnson’s premiership is a lesson to all parents; this is what happens when matches aren’t kept out of children’s reach.

“Right, listen up you foreign chaps,” said Boris as he walked into London’s St Thomas’ Hospital carrying a can of petrol and a box of safety matches.

“I want a bloody good deal or else.”

He entered a room filled with medicines and started splashing petrol over the bottles and packets.

“None of this backstop nonsense!”

A nurse – an EU27 national working in the UK and helping to alleviate pressure on an underfunded NHS – walked into the room. Boris flung petrol in her face.

“We’ll have free trade with no duties and taxes thank you very much!”

Boris stood over the screaming, writhing nurse.

“I’ll do it! I’ll burn everything! And if Britain has no doctors, nurses or medical supplies it will be all your fault you European swines!”

He looked at the box of matches.

“Right then, how do these things work? Normally have a woman to do this sort of thing for me. Can’t even open the bloody… oh I see, it slides…”

Knowing Boris and his funny little ways, the government has announced an extra £2bn funding to quench the flames of a burning nation.

“It’ll be fine,” said Downing Street spokesman Simon Williams.

“We’ll get loads of fire extinguishers, some buckets… yeah, it’ll be okay.”

Chief EU Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier said, “Boris might think he’s being clever but it’s not actually much of a bargaining position – we know he won’t really immolate the country he supposedly loves.

“He would?

“Mon Dieu! Those poor people!”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!