Alright, Trump. Fuck it, I’m in. This entire election cycle has been like the night before a comprehensive final for me; obviously I never went to class and am in no way prepared, but everybody is getting fucked up and the more I resist the more their chants of “pussy” get to me. So, like Caitlyn Jenner, I’m just going to take the plunge, get totally fucked up, and pick up the pieces later. So I bid hello to President Donald J. Trump.

I’ve been a major critic so far this cycle, first aligning myself with H.W.’s way less frat legacy, then that munchkin from Miami, and now the guy from Ohio who dropped out to replace the Dos Equis guy as “Least Interesting Man” in the world. Now, to be fair, none of these schmucks really did it for me, but in a world in which the other side is Hillary Clinton, I’d rather incur the chafing of that dry hand job than a Democratic prostate examination, if you know what I mean.

But Trump scared me, I’ll be honest. When he mocked people with Cerebral Palsy, wanted to “round up” 10 million people, and asserted that Megyn Kelly’s disdain for him can be attributed to her menstrual cycle (TFM, but not TpresidentialM), I feared a Trump candidacy would simply guarantee another eight-year reign of the Clinton aristocracy.

And maybe it will. But at the same time, we need to follow RNC Chair Reince Preibus, butt our egos out of the way (here’s looking at you, Lyin’ Ted Cruz) and unify or be destroyed. If Hillary wins, this will mark six out of the last seven presidential cycles since old man Bush that the liberals have won the popular vote. Some may point out “we still have Congress,” which may be true, but there isn’t a prognosticator with any credibility alive today that doesn’t see the majority shrinking this cycle. The libs could take the Senate, and, with redistricting coming at the end of this presidential term, all hell could break loose.

Oh, and not to mention there will be at least two new additions to the Supreme Court under a theoretical President Clinton. This campaign is monumental.

I’ll be honest — I tried to give Hillary a chance. I know, it is incredibly NF. But in my view, regardless of party, our democratic republic is stronger when voters look at both sides, voting for people as opposed to the little letters next to their names on the ballot. I watched her “inspirational” videos, read her platform, and even watched Sanders do his best Marx meets Dr. Strangelove impression in two of the debates.

And all I got was this dirty, used feeling. It was like blacking out and drunkenly throat fucking a four with a gut bigger than her fun bags, letting her fall asleep in my stupor, and having half the house seeing it waddle out the door the next morning: I just felt fucking gross.

So then, finally, I gave Trump a chance. Yes, he behaves like a fucking buffoon. Quite frankly, he acts like one of us running for President. I’m shocked by how few fucks he seems to give. And maybe that’s a bad thing, maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. Six months ago Lindsey Graham said hell would freeze over before Trump was the GOP nominee. I hope the devil has his Canada Goose ready.

But from a policy standpoint, is he what we really want? Of course not, but is he at Clinton’s level of disastrousness? I really don’t think so. Perhaps in an effort to calm those of us on the ledge, Trump essentially said recently not to worry, that his rhetoric is overstated and his presidency would not be outrageous. In fact, he says he “can be more presidential than anyone.”

Okay, Donald, but what do you really want to do in that shiny new office? Trump says in his first one hundred days he will:

1. Repeal Obama’s litany of executive orders on immigration. Since I can find no legitimate constitutional basis for ANY executive orders outside of a time of national emergency (even then it is a gray area), I support this.

2. He will approve the repeal of Obamacare. Once again, can’t say I’d disagree with this, though his “we will pass something even better” claim seems suspect.

3. He will destroy ISIS. While I have no idea how he will do this, finally having a President with a pair of balls bigger than raisins would be nice.

4. He will have the financing and design ready for his Mexican wall. I think this is extremely impractical, but our nation does needs secure borders. And, if he really can get them to pay for it, why the fuck not?

5. Repeal the Iran Deal and enforce far stricter sanctions on Iranian nuclear development. For me, this is a total no-brainer. Obama jamming this shit down our throats is shameful. Anybody who reads this garbage realizes what a pathetic “compromise” it is. We’re the most powerful nation in the history of the world and we have to give big scary Iran a three-week notice that we want to inspect their facilities? I wonder how that would work elsewhere. “Hey Mr. Escobar, in 21 days we will be raiding your facility, just a heads up! Thanks!”

6. Trump will stand with Israel, and is not in favor of a two-state solution. Again, of paramount importance, seeing as Israel is our greatest ally in the most volatile section of the World.

Is any of this really that bad? I know from a purely economic perspective, most of us see him as anti-free market, pro-big government, etc. But to the extent of Clinton? No way. Don’t waste your vote on a write-in. Gary Johnson will once again get less than one percent, and every vote well-educated young Republicans like ourselves takes away from Trump, we might as well be handing to Clinton.

As it stands right now, assuming polling is correct, Clinton will win in an electoral landslide. If Trump can improve by just five percent across battleground states, it is essentially a push, with a small Clinton win likely. Improve by seven? Clinton’s second stay in the White House is prevented.

Donald Trump as president, like I’ve said before, is like your girlfriend blowing your pledge brother. It’s not great, but at least there wasn’t #BUTTSTUFF2016 and a facial..

Image via YouTube

Check out today’s episode of the Inside TFM Podcast. Special guest, comedian Steven Crowder, tells us about his terrifying showdown with Trigglypuff at UMass, and we answer more of your deranged, drunken questions via phone and email. Listen below:

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