Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Alex Jones' Razor: Among competing hypotheses, the one blaming the government for mass murder is always right.

In the wake of the tragic Newtown shooting, decent humans reacted with shock, horror, and crying so much our keyboards needed replacing. Meanwhile, the worst people in the country rushed to gun stores, buying up ammo and spare AR-15s in preparation for the inevitable wave of gun bannings. And, again, there's a fucked-up logic to it. If you think the government's about to ban something you like, it makes sense to stock up.

Here's the thing: For whatever reason, America doesn't work that way. Fifty-seven percent of us supported stricter gun control laws in the immediate wake of the Newtown shootings. But by the time March 2013 swung around, only 47 percent of Americans supported more gun control. If you spend time on the Huffington Post, it might seem like Democratic voters are at their anti-gunniest point in history. But from 1991 to 2011, Democrats became less likely to support gun control, with support dropping from 53 percent to 43 percent during that time.

Hector Mata / AFP / Getty

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

It's not all John Kerry awkwardly holding shotguns like they're a cat about to shit on his chest.

So if all these shootings are "false flags" dreamt up by Obama to take our guns, they aren't working for shit. Oddly enough, gun control and gun violence are both at their lowest level in decades. In other words: The last time this few Americans were shooting each other, John F. Kennedy was president. It gets weirder. You know what else has been in free-fall for 50 years? The percentage of gun-owning Americans. So we have fewer gun owners, with the freedom to own whatever they want, and, crime-wise, we're living in Camelot 2.0. If we could just cut the number of gun owners in half and then arm them all with that rail rifle from Eraser, crime as we know it might come to an end.

I know correlation doesn't equal causation, but if we try real hard, can't it equal this for me?

Robert Evans heads up Cracked's personal experience team, as well as the workshop moderator team. If you'd like to give him money or you just have a whistle to blow, he can be reached here.

Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.