The wild oats of Earth's most repugnant time, spring, are being fully soaked before our very eyes. The buried dog shit of winter, now bathed by the heat of the prodigal sun, bears a stench which oppresses every nook and cranny of our tumultuous and embarrassing world. A humiliation most supreme hangs in the air, daring those of us with thoughts, feelings, emotions to utter a word of condemnation. We are a scorned people, and we deserve the hell we pay. Tomorrow is National Corndog Day. What cause do we have to celebrate? There is not a man on this disgusting planet with a single good reason to be here, save to bear witness to our unholy, unceremonious demise.This site has had fluctuating views on what the corn dog is, what it means to us, and whether or not we recognize it as a sovereign entity. I am here to put some things to bed, but certainly also to raise things to light which we cannot unsee, and which will unsettle the most mentally stable of us - chilling God Himself to the bone. Of one thing I am sure: All hot dogs matter. I do not see bun type. Whether the wiener is cooked in cornmeal butter, or delicately caressed like a mother's warmth by the serene breading of a white bun, please, press it to my lips and let it within me.Late one evening in 1992, I dined with jubilation with my dearest lover, Dan Quayle. It was November then, and he had just been presented with the termination of his job. The cold, crisp air of that splendid paradise that is Washington DC permeated throughout, and held the perfume-esque scent of roasted dogs. I kissed the ketchup stain off his nose as he smiled and recited Kafka from memory. We talked about February when he would finally be free... A simpler time. But as we pursued our lovers' games, we transitioned into a lovers' quarrel. Corn dogs, he supposed, were entitled to our praises. This was not something I could stand for unless certain conditions were met. Why, if corn dogs were to be celebrated, were hot dogs, their so-called liberators, not granted that same opportunity to be wholly worshiped by the masses? It begs the obvious question, why is there no National Hot Dog Day? Quayle and I had to change the subject after some time, but our romance did not progress long after that night.I believe our lovers' quarrel represented a much larger, darker side of our existence as Americans that we are not allowed to explore because of the weak psyches of our snowflake citizenry. Everyone feels like they need a participation trophy. Everyone thinks that it's "cool" and "hip" to shutdown Applebees and/or totally deconstruct capitalism as we know it. Everyone thinks they need to be celebrated, while those of us that have accomplished so much on the backs of their labor, and larger contributions to society have to sit by and have only our wealth and power to keep us from the throws of deep depressions. Shame on this country for its disenfranchisement of us rich and powerful. You snowflakes just wish you were us. Continue on with your self degradation and impotence. It's all you're good for anyway. National Corndog Day is the last straw before the Communist takeover of the once great United States of America.