Holy shit! It's here! It's finally here! The first day of school! SOMEONE PINCH ME ON THE ASS SO I KNOW IT'S REAL!

Eleven weeks. Eleven long, brutal, agonizing weeks I have waited for this day. Daydreamed about it. Rhapsodized over it in sonnets that I will not share with anyone else. God, summer is so fucking boring. You sit there with your kids, trying to figure out shit to do, then you finally persuade them to play one card game and then, after it's over, it's only 9:05 a.m. Only nine more hours to go in the day! JESUS. I'm as excited for school to start as children are for school to end. I feel reborn. I feel like I could lift a thousand pounds over my head. SHIT YEAH!

Are you all packed up for school, my little one? Well, HURRY THE FUCK UP. Wear whatever you want! You want to wear your undies on your head? That's fine by me. Here's your lunch. I spent an hour making it using only the finest organic ingredients, a lunch that you're sure to toss aside in favor of the school lunch, which consists of pizza made from prison bread and horse milk cheese. Whatever. I don't give a shit. IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND EVEN YOUR HORRIBLE EATING HABITS WON'T RUIN IT.


Get on your shoes! Do you have all your supplies? (sniffs) Ooh, new pencils! That brings me back. School still smells like school, you know? Gimme all your highlighters so that I can sniff them and get high off the idea of eight hours alone. At last, the day is MINE. All mine. BOOSH.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.


Now, let's get out to the bus stop. Oh wow, everyone's here! You know how when school starts, all your school friends look just a little bit older, and you're a little bit afraid that they turned into dicks over the summer, and then they start talking and they're still the same dicks as when you left them in the spring? That's a nice feeling. And look at all the other parents! I have no idea what to say to you people, and every morning that we chat is kind of awkward and I run out of discussion topics once the weather is taken off the table. But whatever. HOW FUCKING JAZZED ARE YOU GUYS THAT SCHOOL HAS STARTED?!

Where's that goddamn bus? I swear I heard it two seconds ago. I think it was a Verizon truck. Verizon is awful.


THERE IT IS! Christ, it's so beautiful. I want to wash it with my tongue to let it know how much I appreciate it. Get on the bus, dear. This wonderful, magic contraption will be whisking you away for eight full hours, which will do both of us a world of good. You have no idea. Where's it taking you? Is it taking you to a Nike child labor camp, where you'll be forced to stitch shoes all day long? Is it delivering you into the arms of a brutal drug lord? Is it dropping you off in an empty onion field and leaving you for dead? Shit if I know. All I know is that it's taking you SOMEWHERE, and that I don't have to worry about it at all! ISN'T THAT GLORIOUS?

Come here, you little fucker. (kiss kiss kiss) I'm so proud of you for making it through the summer without my killing you. Because for real, it got pretty close there for a second. I really was gonna kill you. But not really! But actually really. BUT NOT REALLY I'M JUST JOKING.


Get on with your friends! You're awesome! I'm so proud of you! Daddy will be shitfaced when you get home. Thirty years from now, you will have a perfect understanding as to why. GOD BLESS SCHOOL.

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