I am a professional feminist. Much to my father’s stated disappointment, I make my living from feminist commentary and advocacy. I write articles, organise marches, host a talkshow, create podcasts, appear on radio and television, raise money for donations, speak at conferences, and intervene in the public sphere in order to promote the cause of feminism. This probably makes me the opposite of “leisure feminists”, as described by Helen Razer last week. The fact that I do this doesn’t make me more or less of a feminist than other people, but it certainly means I'm familiar with the types of criticism feminists receive.

That the censure from Razer and others is equally scathing whether you're a "leisure feminist" or a "professional feminist" is representative of the fact that feminism will always be dismissed on some grounds, by someone, in particularly vituperative ways. Whether it's internalised contempt for women's voices, personal insecurity or something else, feminists are often attacked just for being feminists.

Besides the rape threats and comments on my appearance ("your ugly", [sic]), I often read comments by people who genuinely think that feminism is bad – or as my grandfather would’ve said, those outside the tent pissing in. They’re the easiest to ignore, because I know they’re wrong. I’m certain that feminism is a noble movement for equality, striving to liberate all people from the tyranny of socially constructed gender roles. So I can look that kind of criticism in the face and say “I feel sorry for you.” Or more often “cool story, bro.”

Then there are the people on the broad left who feel it’s their job to police progressive action within feminism – or as my grandfather might’ve said, those who are inside the tent pissing everywhere.

"You’re doing it wrong! Feminist events shouldn’t have male speakers! Feminist events need more male speakers! SlutWalk is the handmaiden of capitalist oppression that will eventually lead to all women becoming prostitutes! SlutWalk should be called PerpWalk/PrudeWalk/Anti-Victim-BlamingWalk! You’re too middle class! You’re too radical! Why do you hate men/women so much!"

These are difficult viewpoints to engage with because they’re totalising arguments that are not really meant to start constructive discussions. They’re intended to shut down debate, not initiate it. That’s the very definition of trolling, but I still respond to these because it’s part of my job to change people’s minds, particularly about victim-blaming of women and sexual violence.

And then there are the vitriolic personal attacks. Ranging from accusations of stupidity and unchecked privilege through to insinuations that feminists “invented” rape culture in order to professionally profit from it, the slamming of individuals deemed incorrect seems to be a fashionable form of undermining feminism writ large.

I find this harder to tolerate. Not because women shouldn’t criticise the work of other women. They absolutely should, and I do it frequently. But mounting strenuous critiques of prevailing attitudes in the public sphere is possible without petty namecalling and spiteful innuendo. Not only is it inane, but it’s the mark of a mediocre intellect and a boring writer. It’s also doing the work of patriarchy, and nobody is happier to see it than anti-feminist gatekeepers of the status quo.

The good news is it actually doesn’t matter what armchair commentators say about your feminism. It’s up to you to learn, listen, say sorry when you get it wrong, and grow into your values. You don’t have to engage when a critic’s signature strategy is abuse. It’s thinly veiled insecurity that drives this tactic. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your deepest held beliefs and how you live them, unless you want to offer it.

Your feminism needn’t be immune to new ideas that will challenge and strengthen it. But crucially, it’s yours. It’s yours to work on and work through and it takes energy and thought every day. It may thrive if you harness your energies alongside other likeminded people and organise collectively, but it will still be valuable if you perform it by having mind-changing conversations at your kitchen table, back fence, church or union meeting.

The critical mass of feminist thinking is built day by day, conversation by conversation, and this is what will eventually transform gender roles. The hard work of feminism is being done by ordinary people who are changing the minds of their family members, students or colleagues with reasoned explanations, sincere engagement and respect.

Genuine and lasting social change doesn’t happen because elitist commentators get their jollies over who can craft the cleverest insult. All social movements rely on everyone involved making the contribution that they can, whether it’s marching, teaching, drafting legislation, letting off steam on Twitter, or chaining yourself to a fence. Because in my experience, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, so you may as well trust yourself and keep going. Or as Ru Paul says: “Folks gon’ talk sh*t about U anyway, so U might as well just do your own thang.”