Are there any illegal immigrant heroin dealers in Massachusetts who aren’t on welfare too?

Maybe, but I just can’t seem to find any.

Let’s begin today with a Dominican woman who, according to Billerica police, is named Yohanna Polanco. But she had documents identifying herself as an American citizen from Puerto Rico named Maria Negron.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

After this undocumented Democrat was involved in a hit-and-run accident in Billerica, the cops did some checking and discovered an earlier arrest in Lowell, and then another incident report from Lawrence.

I know, you are shocked to learn these crimes are going on in Lawrence. The Billerica cops followed up with the only move when you’re dealing with illegal immigrants from Lawrence. They called the Department of Transitional Assistance — the welfare office.

“It is often found,” the Billerica PD noted in an affidavit for a search warrant, “that individuals don’t attempt to mislead DTA due to the fact that these individuals are obtaining monetary assistance.”

Also known as welfare.

The Dominican woman was told to come to Billerica to discuss the hit-and-run accident, at which time she gave cops yet another fake address in Lawrence, which turned out to be a parking lot. She claimed she was from Bayamon, Puerto Rico.

She was arrested for identity fraud and the cops got a search warrant for her real address in Lawrence, the one she’d given to the welfare office. She shared the apartment with Javiel Nieves, an accused heroin dealer also known as Eric Martinez Nunez.

Here is some of what the Billerica and Lawrence cops found in the kitchen and the master bedroom on Feb. 26:

“EBT card, Dominican Republic Passport, 3 letters from the Mass. Department of Transitional Assistance, National Grid default notice, a .38 caliber revolver, Department of Early Education and Care confirmation letter, 1 Lawrence Housing Authority application, 2 birth certificates bearing the mother’s name as Yohanna Polanca, 2017 tax documents bearing the name Maria Negron, $774.00 U.S currency … .”

But the real jackpot came when they noticed a drop ceiling in the bathroom.

According to the incident report, the cops found 98.1 grams of cocaine and 30 grams of fentanyl, plus another driver’s license, a bank debit card, a finger press and a mallet hammer.

Last week I called the Essex County District Attorney’s Office to inquire about the status of the case. Oddly, they seemed surprised that municipal police from a different county were rousting illegal immigrant drug dealers in Lawrence, although my understanding is that even New Hampshire police now sometimes operate in the non-working-class city, trying to keep a lid on the heroin hellhole that Lawrence has become.

But the DA’s office did get back to me — the Dominican woman had an open case out of Lowell. Her bail was revoked on that one and she’s being held on $100,000 bond at MCI-Framingham. No word on whether her EBT card automatically reloaded on March 1, but I’m guessing so.

As for Nieves, he’s being held on $100,000 bail at the Middleton jail. He had an open warrant from 2016 for, you guessed it, distribution of Class A narcotics.

But wait, there’s more. Meet Eddy Alexander Mateo Valdez of the Dominican Republic, although he prefers to go by the name on his MassHealth CarePlus card — Omar Rodriguez.

In other words, as a citizen, you are paying for your own health insurance. And you are also paying for this criminal’s. Ain’t America great — at least if you’re an alleged heroin dealer like Valdez.

He was arrested last October in Woburn when he allegedly sold five bags of brown heroin to an undercover cop for $350. At the station house, he claimed to be a Puerto Rican from, you guessed it, Bayamon. In the illegal immigrant’s car, in addition to the welfare card, the cops found a Dominican driver’s license.

“Once the fingerprints were submitted, the response was that they were those of Omar Martinez-Rodriguez. This man has been previously arrested … .”

On Feb. 19, Immigration and Customs Enforcement grabbed this welfare fraudster for immigration violations.

“Martinez-Rodriguez,” ICE said last week, “has been arrested numerous times for criminal activity and has pending state felony charge for fentanyl distribution and identity fraud-related offenses. He is presently in ICE custody … .”

Three down, 20 or 30 million more to go. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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