Timely Warning – Friday, September 14, 2012

UPDATED: 10:49 AM

FOG ALERT

Fog was spotted on the field adjacent to Ramapo College’s main campus soon after 1 AM this morning. Around 1:15 AM, reports of blood curdling screams and monster-sightings have been coming into the RamapoBasement feed all morning. Be advised: the fog is dangerous.

At 6:03 AM this morning, Public Safety confirmed the existence of hell spawn in the fog. Those who wish to save their bodies, as well as their everlasting souls, should maintain a wide radius from the field and away from the demons, unless accompanied by a clergyperson.

When asked for a comment as to why campus-wide fire drills were held in lieu of demon drills this week, a spokesperson for Public Safety said, “Come on, we just didn’t think of it. This has literally never happened before, dammit!”

At 7:15 AM, in conjunction with the Archdiocese of Newark, Public Safety and ten Catholic priests formed a protective bubble around what is now being called, “Demon Field”. Ramapo faculty and staff urge students to not resort to vigilantism or demon head trophy collecting.

Though the protective bubble has kept in the majority of creatures, giving the nation’s exorcists time to travel to Mahwah, a few monsters have made it onto campus.

Despite the warning, reports of student vigilantism have been coming in all day, with students turning to dorm furniture, textbooks, and decorative landscaping rocks as weapons. One student said she, “…hoped to collect some souvenirs as decor for her dorm room” while pulling out one of the smaller demon’s incisors.

An entrepreneurial student that we talked to is selling modified Super Holy Soakers out of Overlook. He claims they’re, “100% effective, guaranteed. And relatively harmless against humans.” RamapoBasement has not yet verified the validity of these claims.

Ramapo has issued the following reminder for supernatural attacks such as this one:

Save yourself.

Cry loudly.

Run. Like it would actually help.

Eat. Vegetables!

Water. If you drink it, make it holy, not Vitamin.

Excite. Do not excite the hell spawn more than they already are.

Douse. Whether it’s gasoline or holy water, sprinkling is much less effective.

Just remembered S-C-R-E-W-E-D and you may just have a chance against the monsters.

More as this story progresses.

UPDATE: The Ramapo Bookstore has released the following statement, “Due to increased demand, Holy Water Hand Grenades are now available for purchase via Ramapo Dollars.”