In the 6th episode of the first season of The Leftovers, a scene kept stuck in my mind and after seeing it dozens of time, I finally got it. Actually, it was only when personal situations resonated with what the character was living that I understood. Don’t worry, if you haven’t seen the series I will brief you very quickly so you can follow me to what matters.

Nora lost her two kids and her husband when they suddenly disappeared in a global silent cataclysm that was later named The Departure. Nora somehow manage to keep on with her life, but the pain is still there.

In the series, there is also this figure called Holly Wayne, a guru that claims to be able to take people’s pain away. His method is simple: he asks you “Do you want to feel this way?” To which most people say no and then he smiles the most graceful smile I have ever seen, opens his arms, inviting you to hug him. After the hug, the pain is gone.

Watching this scene in particular in the 6th episode, I finally manage to understand that from Nora’s perspective, that pain should not go away. Because the pain itself was what was left when her family disappeared. From the moment that she turned herself back to the breakfast table and didn’t see them anymore, the pain and the desperation were there. The desperation is eventually gone so she can live in society, but the pain is “easily” hidden inside and kept as a heritage from what is not anymore.

But the moment that Holy Wayne offers to take her pain away, the first thing she asks is if she will forget her family to what he says no, then she finally surrenders to the pain. It is not like she start crying of happiness, she is still crying from the pain, because she finally gave herself to it.

It blew my mind.

What Nora did was exactly what I did to myself for so many years: I let a certain number of traumatic experiences define me. You see, I am usually a happy person, but what I did was to let it shape me, my decisions, my thoughts.

The moments I was not in pain were (most of the time) the ones that something more was filling it up.

What I want to do with this post is to help you in case you ever lived that. There is only 2 steps to get through it: become aware and then surrender to it.

Feel it

Maybe this is not for you. Maybe you don’t have any pain, suffering, trauma or whatever you call it holding you back. But in case you do, take a time to accept it. You’ve been running away from it for so long… It’s time for you to meet it. Go to a park (or your own room if it works), breath deeply and slowly and, then, let it come out. Whatever it is: the bullying in the school, the rejection as a child, the tough break-up, whatever it is, feel it. Watch it while it arises, become aware of how if influences your heartbeat, your thoughts. Observe it all, so you can start to understand that it is all in your mind.

Get aware of what it does to you

Then, it’s time to look back to all the stories that this feeling, whatever is the root-cause, has been telling you since then. In which moments did you acted up through that fear? Let me give an example: you had that tough break-up, maybe some cheating was involved, the guy/girl apparently moved on and you want to NOT feel that bad about it. And what you do? You dress up nicely, maybe even more sexier and when someone in the street look at you with desire, you feel better and you think you overcome it. Baby, it is tough to say it, but you didn’t. What you did was to shift the desire for validation that you are beautiful and sexy from one person to another. The need is still there.

The same idea you can apply to any other situation. But it is important that you analyze your relationship with certain aspects of your day by day life.

Food: when the urge to eat that special desert or just some trash food (or ice-cream or your favorite dish) comes, it does coincidently when you are the most frustrated about something?

Sex: how many times have you had sex only to feel less bored, more alive or just to feel desired?

Alcohol: do you find yourself dreaming about the weekend just to scape all the stress or irritations of the week?

Relationships: yep, a tough one, but how many of your interactions with other people come from your fear of being alone?

Now, of course I understand that all those points are natural and very important parts of our lives. That’s exactly why it is so hard to notice when we are misusing them. So, what I invite you to do is just try to be aware, try to pay attention on the moments when you feel like eating that thing, having that amazing sex or drinking that beer. If it comes because of something else then the desire to enjoy it or celebrate it, if it comes to compensate something, be aware that the problem from where it comes is still there.

And what you do when you become aware of this? Please, please, please, do not overthink. Do not overanalyze it. Spoiler alert: most of the times I saw it happen or did it myself it was useless. Either you do something about or you drop it and enjoy whatever you are doing.

Let’s get the food example: you get frustrated with those results that didn’t come but you rest on the fact that today, that restaurant nearby has that amazing burger on Wednesdays and of course you go for it. While you are about to order, you realize that you are only trying to compensate work related shit and start wondering for ages about what to do. You finally decide to order and the whole experience is ruined because you are feeling guilty. Don’t. It is completely useless. So either you leave that burger there or you consciously choose to drop the guilt and go for it.

Another spoiler coming: the more you try to not compensate it, the more confortable you feel on your own skin. Because your experience living this life will be shaped by what comes from inside you not from the pains you feel along the way.