To Los Angeles, where Lost in Showbiz learns that a landmark court case may be brewing. It derives this knowledge from a feature in leading legal periodical Closer magazine, headlined KIM KARDASHIAN FUMES OVER BOTTOM “COPYCAT”. We won’t go into too much detail here, because quite frankly, reading the whole article made Lost in Showbiz worry that civilisation as we know it is doomed and that brimstone is going to start raining from the sky any minute. Suffice to say, the general thrust is that Kim Kardashian is angry at a woman the piece refers to as “internet bottom sensation” Jen Selter. Selter has been posting photographs of her large buttocks on Instagram, an activity Kardashian apparently feels is an unacceptable infringement upon her very raison d’etre: one of the gangplanks of Kim Kardashian’s global celebrity being her nonpareil ability to take photographs of her own large buttocks with a cameraphone. “Kim thinks Jen copies all her poses … she is fuming as she feels her curvy bum is one of her most unique selling points and feels that Jen is just trying to cash in.”

By this point in the article, Lost in Showbiz was losing the will to live, but the next line brought it up short. “Insiders say Kim has sought legal advice to see if they can stop Jen,” it read, raising the very real possibility that, somewhere in California, a crack team of lawyers may at this very moment be working around the clock to copyright buttocks on behalf of Kim Kardashian. You may say this is an entirely ridiculous scenario – we are all, God willing, born with buttocks, Kanye West’s wife can’t just carry on as if she personally invented the concept of having an arse. To which Lost in Showbiz can only respond: do you know how much money these people have? They can bankroll the best legal minds in America! Frankly, if anyone can copyright the concept of buttocks, it’s the West-Kardashians.

Lost in Showbiz envisages a dystopian future, in which no man or woman is legally allowed to have buttocks without first applying to Kim Kardashian for a licence: those unable to produce the right documentation on request forced to suffer the horrifying consequences. Terrorism, ebola, now Kim Kardashian quite literally trying to pinch our arses: can 2014 get any worse?