C You build a new leg. ASM You redefine every cell in the leg, and all the inter-cell bonds; when you're done, watch your leg vanish at the first segfault. C++ Nobody understands how you did it, but you've created an iron plated leg that runs so fast that it's essentially useless, and you walk in circles for hours. C# You build a leg, and it works wonderfully, but only within the city limits of Seattle. Ruby You build 15 more legs, and four more bodies to carry them around. For redundancy. Objective C You buy a new chrome leg, at great expense, and find it won't work without a chrome hip. Objective-C on iPhone You write an application that heals your leg when you shake it and sell it for $5. It also acts as a flashlight and makes fart noises when you use it. Perl You spend two days attempting to work with the Leg::Prostethic module, before running your previous C code through encryption and executing the result. A leather couch appears. Prolog You define your leg as healed, and wait four years for the leg to build itself. AppleScript A basic, cylindrical leg appears, which just barely works through a series of jerky, childlike movements. Brainfuck You spent nearly a month creating the replacement leg, everyone pats you on the back and you feel pretty good about yourself, but you somehow wonder if there was an easier way. Malbolge You spend the rest of your life rebuilding half a leg, but you somehow have to divide it by 57 before it can be finished. Piet You paint a picture of a leg, and then execute it. A leather couch appears. Haskell You heal your leg in one line. You then write 10 pages of LaTeX documentation on how you could have healed your leg more efficiently. Befunge With a good editor, your leg takes mere minutes to prototype, however you'll be improving it for the rest of your life to get it down to small enough to be usable. Java (modified 2009-06-05) After discovering the lack of a built-in library for legs, you spend 8 hours trying to write factory patterns for human, animal and robot legs, then instantiate a new leg. The stump of the old leg loiters around for a while before being collected. Java on Android (added 2015-04-25) Google builds and attaches your leg for you, but collects and records all your vital signs as stipulated under section 83.5 of the EULA you signed. Lisp You attach the leg bone to the hip bone, which is attached to the leg bone, which is attached to the hip bone... COBOL PROCEDURE DIVISION. WRITE ESSAY IN REGARD TO CONSTRUCTION OF NEW LEG. RUN. Javascript You spend a few hours building an array of pieces of leg, and a few weeks playing with toolkits that can slide pieces of leg around in all sorts of ways. PHP You can't remember whether the function order requires (hip, leg, ankle) or (ankle, leg, hip). Eventually through trial and error, you have a leg which works fine on tarmac but doesn't understand grass. HTML You build a framework for a leg, and you wake up in the morning with it blinking. CSS You attach a new leg to the hip and float it in the proper direction, but your feet are also attached to your hips because they haven't been cleared below the legs. Scheme You can only build a leg-1, so you can either have a leg to stand on or have something to give you a leg up, but not both. SQL You attempt to clean up the stump of your leg by deleting it, but you forget to specify which limb to delete; now you have no arms or legs. Bash You try to rm -r /limbs/leg/right/stump, but hit enter instead of tab after rm -r / and disappear. Pascal You build a leg module, just in time to learn that Modula-2 has legs built into the standard library. BASIC Your new leg looks perfectly fine, but doesn't work until you tattoo numbers down the side of the shin. JCL You spend weeks crafting a build mechanism for your leg, and submit it to the mainframe, to find a syntax error. Only then do you find, that you don't understand the code any more. Erlang You spawn a process to fix your leg, and a supervisor process to build more new legs just in case. The supervisor attaches all your new legs to your head, because your hip is an immutable structure. Python (modified 2015-04-24) from __future__ import leg Fortran (modified 2009-06-17) You build a new leg, and spend the rest of your life improving it in small increments until you can leap tall buildings. Unfortunately, no-one cares. CUDA (added 2009-06-05) You make 10,000 tiny legs which enable you to run at thirty miles an hour, but they only work on astroturf. Lua (added 2009-06-05) You find that you can only emulate a new leg as userdata with a metatable the size of the moon. Surprisingly, this works quite well if you upgrade your brain at the same time. POVRay (added 2009-06-08) You design a new leg from basic geometric shapes, and texture it in reflective Perlin noise. Because it looks cooler that way. D (added 2009-06-08) You build a new leg. You forget that the Makefile specifies omission of bounds checking, so attaching the new leg extends it into your torso, replacing many vital organs. Matlab (added 2009-06-17) You meticulously formulate the components of your new leg, and then build it. A graph of your leg's kinetic energy output appears. Qubit C (added 2009-06-17) You set out to create a new leg, which would explain the extra leg you sprouted last week. A leather couch appears. Whitespace (added 2009-06-17) Win32 API (added 2015-04-24) Microsoft hands you a new leg, but it keeps randomly cramping up. Every diagnosis only comes up with a strange number and "The leg is incorrect". Your only option is to go home and sleep it off. Visual Basic (added 2015-04-24) You call the doctor's office to build you a new a leg, but find out that it comes with an incantation tattoo'd onto it that causes it to never stop running. The unfamiliar phrase reads: On Error Resume Next Rust (added 2015-04-24) You make a new leg without any trouble but when you try to attach it the compiler complains that that it doesn't live long enough.

With thanks to: letusgothen, TehLaser, VoidBoi, jercos, matja, apathy, asonge, Ended, tobias104, Emu*, MHD, lulzfish, Ysn, maafy6, RoadieRich.

Article dated: 4th Jun 2009