Anonymous asked: My dad thinks women who would rather him call himself a "feminist ally" are full of bullshit. Then he went on to say that "the patriarchy hurts men too", acting as if it isn't men who aren't the primary perpetrators of misogyny and upholding the patriarchy. He seems to think both men are women are equally responsible for the patriarchal society we live in today, which makes me uncomfortable. Do you know of any valid arguments against men calling themselves feminists?

To be honest, your dad is a fine example of why so many feminists do not like men to call themselves feminists. Men are very prone to the habit of talking over women and mansplaining, which is exactly what your dad is doing. He needs to check his privilege really hard.

What male allies/feminists need to do more than anything is shut the hell up and listen to women. They need to give up the spotlight for once and make space for women to make decisions about the language used in the movement that we built. And even more important, they need to realize that they don’t get to decide whether they are feminists/allies. Women can give them that label, but even if they are considered by one woman to be feminists/allies in one moment, that does not give them a pass for future shitty behavior. That’s the biggest problem with men calling themselves feminists - they tend to use it later as a whiny and shitty defense when they do something oppressive. “But I’m a feminist! Stop being mean to me! I’m on YOUR side! Why are you asking me to examine my own misogyny when I’m on YOUR side :( :( :(”

As for “patriarchy hurts men too,” my standard answer is WAAAAAAAAHHHH shut up and work harder to tear it down then. The idea that both men and women are equally responsible for our patriarchal society is hilariously baffling. Men have ruled most societies on this earth for many centuries so ????? ????????????

If you want more opinions on the subject, Finally Feminism 101 has a section on it:

http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2007/03/19/faq-can-men-be-feminists/

Sorry your dad is being such a failure of an ally. I hope he gets better, for your sake. I know it’s extra hard to confront family about these issues, so I commend you if you’ve spoken up at all.