MENLO PARK, CA—Boosting the popular articles much to its own chagrin, the Facebook algorithm was reportedly mortified Wednesday that it had to deliver up so much completely embarrassing news about its own company. “First with Cambridge Analytica and then with FB stock dropping, God, I’ve just had to promote countless humiliating stories illustrating that this is just an incredibly shitty company,” said the shamefaced algorithm, cringing as it prioritized hundreds of thousands of disgraceful articles about departing executive Alex Stamos to the top of people’s news feeds before having to then recommend a number of negative opinion pieces about CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s delayed public statement. “It’s fucking degrading, but because of that greedy little bastard, I have to maximize the reach of every revelation about Facebook’s failure to disclose how nation states took advantage of its users during and after the 2016 election. Jesus, I don’t think I’ll ever live down ensuring that each link garners as many clicks, shares, and interactions as possible.” At press time, the humiliated algorithm winced as it was forced to share thousands of news reports about ways in which the Facebook algorithm itself has failed its users.

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