

Good writers don't need to use foul language. It isn't clever, it just displays a limited vocabulary.

When I get old, I’m going to watch The Weather Channel a lot. If someone mentions that it’s cold, warm, or wet, I’ll be able to tell them that a low front is moving in from the East which will give me an opening to be able to complain about my knees. And the price of prescription medicines. And the government.

I wasn't smacked when I was a child. If I had been, I'd probably be a doctor or lawyer by now. Instead of smacking, my parents simply stated they were "very disappointed." The only physical punishment I remember receiving was once having my mouth washed out with soap. I was seven. My father switched channels to the news while I was watching The Goodies and, having heard the term that day at school and assuming it was a generic one like ragamuffin or boofhead, I called him a 'cocksucker.' Dragged down the hallway and into the bathroom, what I recall of the punishment was not the taste of the soap, but that the only bar available was a mushy blob stuck to the tiled floor of the shower. As I spat the soap and a toenail into the sink afterwards, I remember thinking, 'Nobody in our family has short curly hair, whose hair is this?' During a recent discussion with my father about bad parenting, I reminded him of this and he replied, "Bullshit. It was Brut-33 soap-on-a-rope. It was hanging on the tap. That's what the rope is for you fucking liar."

