Six Flags Theme Parks executives have held a solemn press briefing to announce that, amidst the worsening Coronavirus outbreak, Six Flags: America will be open as usual.





CDC spokesperson Alyx Rennie said: "We’re expecting to see a sudden rise of individuals presenting with headaches, vomiting and bodily soreness - and those are just the ones who went on Batwing. It may be too late for anyone who thought Mind Eraser was worth the credit."





Given the increased role of hygiene in stemming transmission of the virus, Six Flags has assured guests that the park’s one-man cleaning crew will be accompanied by a part-time assistant.





Local resident Lilly-Ann said: "Around these parts they call Six Flags: America the 'roller coaster capital of the world'. That’s true along as the capital you had in mind was Baghdad."





Six Flags COO Fabián Sancho was quick to provide assurances the measure was being taken on a strictly temporary basis: "As soon as the Cedar Fair merger goes ahead this place will be first on the chopping block"





"Ha ha no wait forget I said that"