This is a little stale, but let's make fun of it anyway, shall we? Colorado pastor and completely heterosexual sperm-warrior for Jesus Kevin Swanson—whose previous hits include "Gays will burn Christians at the stake!" and "Gays lured Hurricane Sandy to New York with their tantalizing buttholes!"—has now taken on that scourge known as the BIRTH CONTROL PILL. After speaking with "certain doctors and scientists" who are definitely not stuffed animals, Swanson learned some truly chilling "facts" about how lady-parts work. I'll let him take it from here:

I'm beginning to get some evidence from certain doctors and scientists that have done, uh, research on women's wombs after they've gone through the surgery. And they've compared the wombs of women who were on birth control pill versus those who were not on birth control pill, and they have found that with women who were on the birth control pill there are these little tiny fetuses—these little babies—embedded into the womb. They're just, like, dead babies! On the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.


ALARMING INDEED. Intrigued by Swanson's research, I consulted a respected doctor-scientist from my local university, and uncovered a whole bunch of other substances that have been found in the birth-controlled wombs of scarlet women:

teeth

snails

other, smaller wombs

watermelon rinds

a grizzled undertaker

apples

Jimmy Hoffa

tiny living babies

a bar of soap with a hair on it

Desmond from Lost

pine cones

hot lava

pieces of curb

Turtle Man

eels

goblins

imps

Hitler's mustache

a DVD of Scrubs, season 4

a portal to John Malkovich's brain