OTTAWA – After an intense discussion with female friends about the constant barrage of unwanted sexual attention women experience on the street, Jim Marsden announced that he would love to be catcalled once and a while, despite never having once feared being stalked, attacked, or even killed by a complete stranger.

“Look, all I’m saying is that it would be nice for a random woman to get in my face, uninvited, and tell me that they want to see my dick, that’s all,” the 6’2” firefighter exclaimed, taking a break from bench pressing 300 lbs at the gym. “Guys like to be complimented too! Especially if it’s shouted from a car when I’m going to work. Better yet, at night when no one else is around. There’s nothing hotter than a sexy lady hitting on you in the dark.”

When asked if she would ever consider catcalling a man, one of Marsden’s female companions, Kate Miller, nodded enthusiastically.

“Oh, absolutely,” she said, “Why wouldn’t I want to do the exact thing that causes me perpetual discomfort and fear to another human being? I would hate to spare them the terror that comes with being followed in broad daylight after politely declining a stranger’s sexual advances. It helps build character, gets you motivated to take expensive self-defense classes, and allows the person yelling at you to feel really powerful. It’s a win-win!”

Behavioural scientist Dr. John Tadman explained that Marsden’s feelings were perfectly valid, and deserved more careful consideration.

“Women want equality, correct?” Tadman asked, shrugging. “Well, they’ve got it. Women are just as free to catcall others as men are. If you simply look past the huge amount of evidence that says it’s much more dangerous for them to be on the receiving end of unwanted solicitation, there’s no difference between the two scenarios whatsoever.”

When asked if he had ever really tried to put himself in a woman’s shoes, Marsden cringed and replied, “Hell no, you can’t run in those. What if some uggo chick tries to chase me?”