DO YOU GET GIFTS?

When you’re single: No, except maybe from my mom.

When you’re in love: No, unless my dad gets me something lol.

DO YOU HAVE SEX?

When you’re single: Possibly!

When you’re in love: Maybe!

DO YOU WEAR LINGERIE?

When you’re single: If that’s what you call sensible cotton briefs from the Gap, then yes.

When you’re in love: Yes. (Lingerie is what I call sensible cotton briefs from the Gap.)

DOES SOMEONE TEXT YOU A HEART EMOJI?

When you’re single: Several people do.

When you’re in love: Yeah, a bunch of people do.

DO YOU GO OUT TO EAT?

When you’re single: Hell no!

When you’re in love: No way in hell!

DO YOU DRESS UP?

When you’re single: No lol!

When you’re in love: Haha, no!

DO YOU SAY THE WORDS “I LOVE YOU”?

When you’re single: Yeah, I have a dog.

When you’re in love: Duh, to my dog.

DO YOU FEEL WHOLE?

When you’re single: I don’t know! It depends on the day.

When you’re in love: Maybe? Honestly that’s like, a heavy question for a Wednesday.

DO YOU EAT CHOCOLATE?

When you’re single: Duh, that’s the whole point of this “holiday.”

When you’re in love: Um, obviously! That’s the entire point!

IS IT WEDNESDAY?

When you’re single: Yup!

When you’re in love: Yes.

DO YOU WATCH THE OLYMPICS AND GO TO BED EARLY?

When you’re single: Yeah, it’s Wednesday.

When you’re in love: Dude, duh — it’s Wednesday.