WASHINGTON—Despite Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s recent controversial admission to having smoked crack cocaine, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that, Rob Ford or no Rob Ford, there’s just no way they’re about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics—no way in hell. “Yeah, sorry, not happening,” said 37-year-old Harrisburg, PA resident Daniel Cooke, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who told reporters they will continue happily ignoring any and all stories about the Canadian government, the politics of Canada, or scandals involving Canadian politicians. “Frankly, that guy could have been having sex with an underage boy in the middle of a parliament meeting or whatever the hell they have over there and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I don’t know or care to know who he is, where he’s from, or what he did. What I do know is that if you think I’m going to start paying attention to what’s going on with politics in Toronto or Nova Scotia or Ontario City or wherever the fuck then you’re going to be very disappointed.” The U.S. populace went on to confirm that, unless Martin Short were to somehow be elected prime minister, their interest level in Canadian politics would remain at this level indefinitely.

Advertisement