HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that his rude and obnoxious behavior should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Kyle was acting like a petulant little shit in third period. “I’m trying to get these kids to focus for long enough to actually learn a thing or two about the Weimar Republic, and look who pipes up with some snide wisecrack to try to impress the girls in class,” said U.S. history teacher Gary Bennington, noting that a semester and a half of enduring Kyle’s terrible attitude and complete lack of respect had finally pushed him to the breaking point. “I kicked that mean-spirited little puke out of my class. I think it made some of the other kids uncomfortable, but honestly, it took everything I had not to reach across my desk and smack that smug smile off his fucking face. You can ask any teacher here: Kyle is an asshole, his brother Tom was an asshole, and I have no doubt that when his sister Madison starts next year, she’ll be an asshole, too.” At press time, Bennington was reportedly sitting silently in his parked car as he tried to collect himself before fourth period.

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