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Children today are often too sheltered to the raw sexuality that is inherent in nature. Everything we see can be boiled down to two or more beings wanting to briefly become one. Beautiful birds? They gonna fuck. The Grand Canyon? Fish banging so hard they friction burned The Earth. Sunsets? Space wants to fuck us all. SpaceX? We’ll fuck you right back, space!

Anyway, I’m sick of it. Easter is all about rebirth and the parables in The Bible around Jesus’s resurrection are full of sexual innuendo, so why do we not teach this part to our kids? That’s why I’m going to suggest great activities for your children to help them grow up sex positive in today’s puritanical society.

Instead of Easter Eggs, hide vibrating sex eggs

Now I don’t actually have children of my own (#DoggieDaddy), but if I did, I’d want them to celebrate Easter the right way, with vibrating sex eggs. So this Easter, skip the Paas, and sprinkle 20-30 of these little guys all over your yard. Not only is cleanup much easier, but your children, and probably society as a whole, will thank you for not propagating the chaste myth the so-called “church” likes to push on Easter. Furthermore, you aren’t supporting the Patriarchal Fowlocaust so ingrained in our society!

Hire a gimp instead of an Easter Bunny

Everyone loves a visit from the Easter Bunny, but ask any Occidental Christian, and they’ll tell you that Easter is about rising with a glorified body. What has a more glorified body than a 6’3 230lb hairless jock with 3% bodyfat in a latex suit? You can keep it tasteful by making that pathetic worm wear humiliating bunny ears. Make him be the table you all eat Easter lunch off of before he gets the privilege of cleaning up your scraps. Grab him by his harness.. grab him by his harness and tell him he is a filthy .. a filthy fucking piece of shit, he is garbage between your toes, he is lucky to have someone like you that cares about him. Take him into the guest bathroom and make him organize your decorative soaps while you enter his greased up asshole. Finish on his face and make him clean his mess up before joining the family for prayer.

Blindfold your children as usual, but keep their ears uncovered so they can hear the ritualistic orgy from their crawlspace

Now this is a little bit of an oddball suggestion, but hear me out. I know during the ritualistic orgy, it is normal to hide your children in their ceremonial garments, blindfolded and deafened as to preserve their innocence, but what if you just kept their ears uncovered? Still put them in their crawlspace, still blindfold them, but let them listen in on the collection of our spiritual energy as we climax together over our hired Jesus impersonators. Let them feel the moaning of their vice principal as she gets entered by her husband and the pharmacist at the same time. Give them audible context to the wafting scents that permeate the air. Was that the sound of a car battery being hooked up to Uncle Trevor’s ballsack?

The benefits of your children’s sexual awakening far outweigh any possible legal or ethical ramifications. Won’t you feel better knowing you are raising beings who aren’t afraid of their own bodies, and can appreciate Easter for the erotic holiday it is meant to be?

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