CLEVELAND—Carefully observing the senior citizen for signs showing his level of commitment to the job, passengers in the car of 81-year-old Uber driver Cordell Eddings reportedly prayed Wednesday that this was just a hobby for the elderly man. “Oh, God, he has to be doing this a couple hours a week just as a way to get out of the house, right?” said Allison Tyndale, one of the three passengers who held out hope that the octogenarian’s interest in keeping his mind active and the prospect of striking up conversations with strangers might explain why someone far past retirement age was currently transporting them to a bar crawl at 9:30 p.m. “This has to be something he does as a lark. He’s probably retired, has a nice big house out in the suburbs, and just comes into the city every once in a while for the fun of it. Sounds kind of nice, actually—Although, then again, the car has these Uber stickers all over it. And he has one of those mounts for his phone. Jesus Christ, he might actually depend on this for his livelihood. That’s so fucked up.” At press time, the passengers were desperately struggling to concoct an explanation for why the man was reaching a shaking hand into the back seat with a business card asking for a five-star review.

Advertisement