For the fifth time in the past five seasons, the Redskins find themselves with a 3-5 record. The 2011 Redskins limped to a final record of 5-11. The 2012 team caught lighting in a bottle, led by current sweatpants model and former NFL QB, RG3, mystifyingly winning the last seven regular season games before a quick playoff exit. The 2013 team wound up 3-13 — they would have produced the same record if they let Dan Snyder play their final eight games himself. The 2014 squad ended the year at 4-12 — monumental progress, folks.

The 2015 Redskins are destined for 5-11 which makes me want to throw up. That would make five years of generally heinous football with a solitary seven-week run of glory thrown in — did I mention the reward for the 2012 playoff appearance was the death of our franchise quarterback, thanks to our coaching staff’s incompetence? Congratulations, you just spent five years of your life watching different versions of the same terrible reality show.

It gets old writing about this team. It gets old watching this team. It gets old just thinking about this team. Chalking it up to the “Same old Skins” cliché is lazy and fails to capture the multi-layered ineptitude that has become ingrained in this franchise. Each season is different, but the end result is the same — disenchantment.

It’s no wonder more fans check out emotionally each season. An NFL team that wins one-third of their games over a five-year period is irrelevant. We aren’t even a fly in the ointment of competitive teams — we’re a fly that just hit their windshield.

Last season, the Redskins came into 3-5 fresh off their season highpoint of beating Dallas on Monday Night Football. They were feeling good about themselves and I must have been high from the fumes of that victory when I wrote a borderline optimistic mid-season report card for the team. This season, the Redskins’ annual journey to 3-5 was ushered in with a dissection at the hands of the league’s best offense and a display of our own futility accentuated by [the dropped balls joke of your choice].

The Redskins end up 3-5 each season, but they never get there the same way twice. They invent new ways to make the fans suffer. When one unit improves, another implodes. There has been some silver-lining with the performance of young players this season, especially those that new GM Scot McCloughan hand-picked, but the results have been the same.

The hard truth is that if the Redskins don’t get to six wins, the owner will need a scapegoat. Last year it was Bruce Allen. This year, the reaper’s scythe will move to Gruden. I’m not twisting your nipple. Fair or not, he will be gone if this team can’t find a way to win at least three of their last eight games. Then it will be time to rebuild again, as we have done since the mid-90’s, and will continue to in perpetuity.

Without further ado, here is your 2015 Redskins mid-season report card:

Quarterbacks – GRADE: C. Kirk Cousins is the perfect quarterback to lead your team to a 5-11 record every season. Last-minute drives against the Eagles and Bucs have saved this team from a 1-7 record and it’s a relief to finally see a quarterback perform well enough to give us a chance to evaluate the rest of the offense. With that said, he is not a strong enough quarterback to win a game throwing the ball 40 times — which just so happens to be our head coach’s favorite game plan.

Cousins is a human seesaw. For every touchdown, there is an interception. His demeanor gets a B, an immense improvement over last season — perhaps those brain training courses paid off. His skill set is a D. He’s serviceable, but he belongs in the same tier of quarterbacks as: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Matt Cassel, Colin Kaepernick, and Nick Foles, not exactly must-see TV, nor is he someone to build a franchise around.

Running Backs – GRADE: D-. This trifling unit, man…the head coach is as much to blame for this failing grade as any of the running backs. For the first two weeks of the season it seemed that the Redskins were going to commit themselves to a balanced attack. After two weeks, they led the league in rushing — they currently rank 29th. The O-line has suffered some injuries, but that is only part of the problem.

People do not change who they are at their core. At his core, Jay Gruden is a pass-happy coach. He doesn’t even realize how predictable his play-calling has become. Spoiler alert: If Alfred Morris is in the game, the Skins will probably run the ball, if Chris Thompson is in the game, they will probably throw. I am not a member of the “RUN ‘DA DANG BALL!” club, but I know that an unbalanced offensive attack, with this little talent, cannot succeed. The offense is slightly less predictable when Matt Jones checks in, but 10 carries per game isn’t enough to get any running back into a rhythm.

Receivers – GRADE: C. If it weren’t for Jordan Reed’s contributions to this unit, they would be the weakest bunch on the team. Andre Roberts, pack your bags. Is there a clause in your contract that only allows you to catch the ball when we are down 20+? You make the ’06 Brandon Lloyd signing look smart.

I don’t know how Ryan Grant still has a job after fumbling that onside kick on Sunday. He has been given every opportunity to step up in Desean Jackson’s absence and he has done nothing with it. Don’t worry, Ryan, no one can take that preseason Hall of Fame jacket from you.

Pierre Garçon looks like a guy who wasted the prime of his career in Washington — he’s disgruntled. Can you blame him?

Derrick Carrier looks like he should be a fourth-string tight end…oh wait, he is.

Jamison Crowder is a peach. He is quickly becoming a fan favorite, and he’s already Kirk’s.

Offensive line – GRADE: B. My favorite unit on the team, led by your 2016 head coach, Bill Callahan. The only marks against this unit have been injuries and the disappearance of the run game as of late. I find it hard to complain about this unit seeing as Cousins has only been sacked nine times on his 308 pass attempts. By comparison, RG3 was sacked 33 times during the 2014 season on 214 pass attempts. This unit went from the one of the team’s biggest weaknesses last season to its chief strength this season.

Defensive line – GRADE: D. For every positive this team shows, there is an equal and opposite disappointment. The Washington Seesaws, quarterbacked by Mr. Seesaw himself.

The defensive line was the strongest unit on this team going into camp. The Redskins’ biggest investments in free agency went to bolstering the line and it was expected that, even if this team got beat in 2015, it wouldn’t be in the trenches. The Skins currently rank 29th in rushing yards allowed per game. On paper, the D-line still looks like the best unit but their effort has left much to be desired. Chris Baker has been the lone bright spot. If I had to bet on one unit to turn it around in the second half of the season, I’d pick these fellas.

Linebackers – Grade: D. Here’s my ranking of devastating injuries for the Skins this year: No. 3, Shawn Lauvao; No. 2, Niles Paul; No. 1, Junior Galette. People forget we even signed Galette during Training Camp, but he is the elite edge rusher that the team is desperately lacking right now. His speed off of the end, opposite of Kerrigan, would have made the entire defensive unit more effective. Preston Smith has shown potential, but this team doesn’t put nearly enough pressure on opposing quarterbacks. They rank 29th in defensive hurries this season. We are statistically awful at most things.

Middle linebackers in a unit that doesn’t pressure the quarterback should certainly rack up tackles though, right? Oh yeah, our middle linebackers are Keenan Robinson (kind of terrible) and Perry Riley (terrible). Welcome to the party, Will Compton.

Secondary – GRADE: C. The cornerbacks get a B-, and the safeties get a C-. Breeland should be a pillar of this defense for the next few seasons. Culliver looks good when he is healthy enough to play. D. Hall is running on fumes, but hopefully he has one or two more sparks left before he hangs it up.

Kyshoen Jarrett has been a nice surprise at free safety, but the revolving door at strong safety has been a killer. Why did it take eight weeks for the team to give Jeron Johnson a shot at the starting job? Teams that can’t defend against the run at the first two levels require stout tackling at the back end — this team does not tackle well at any level.

Despite all of that, the secondary has been the most competent unit on this season’s defense. Then again if we put three dachshunds, some Micro Machines, and an Erector Set back there they would look like the Legion of Boom compared to the 2014 Skins’ secondary.

Special Teams – GRADE: B-. The fact that the Skins haven’t missed a 33-yard extra point in eight games is the most shocking statistic of the season. We used to miss extra points when they were of the 19-yard variety. The Redskins finally have a kicker who puts the ball out of the end zone on kickoffs, just like a real NFL team. Dustin Hopkins also might be the most gifted onside kicker alive. Speaking of kickers, how predestined is it that Kai Forbath will drill the game-winner for the Saints this weekend?

Tress Way continues to punt well, and I can’t blame him for having the fifth-worst coverage unit in football. At least “the punter” isn’t going to be team MVP this year!

The only loss of the year that can be blamed on the special teams was week one hosting the Dolphins. That’s an improvement over last season, and in a world where your team is 3-5 every season you take any improvement you can get.

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If you think these grades are too harsh or perhaps there is something I missed, feel free to join the conversation at 106.7 The Fan all season long. The Skins are my team. They always will be. I hope we find a way to turn this thing around the rest of the year. I hope that someday this franchise proves me wrong. I hope that I won’t be writing this paragraph every year for the rest of my life.

Follow Patrick’s satire on Twitter @RubGun and email your tips, takes, and topic suggestions to cannon1067@gmail.com.