7:00 a.m. POTUS and family arrive at Trump Waikiki Hotel, where Donald Trump Jr. will strum the ukulele to drown out protesters in the streets. As the family passes the home of US District Judge Derrick Watson, POTUS will tweet derisively about its shoddy construction.

White House protocol experts working overtime to prep POTUS ahead of his upcoming Asia trip can catch their breath this weekend. He’s stopping over in Hawaii, where attitudes are decidedly more “lei’d” back. And in keeping with the high value Hawaiians place on family, or “ohana,” the Press Office has revealed a tentative schedule that includes — surprise! — the whole family is Hawaii bound (with apologies to “Brady Bunch” fans). No word yet on whether it’s a one-way trip for a certain out-of-favor son-in-law.


8:00 a.m. While waiting for his gilded hard hat to arrive at a building site, Don Jr. will find a ceremonial tiki idol. Ignoring local warnings that it is “taboo” to keep it, and that bad luck follows anyone who touches the idol, he will take it, anyway, because, a) it’s free and b) everybody knows that the rules don’t apply to Trumps.

8:15 a.m. Don will place the idol around his daughter’s neck, then attempt a political stunt that will backfire badly and reveal that when it comes to spelling, the apel phalls knot farr frum the tre.

8:30 a.m. Visit to Pearl Harbor Memorial, where POTUS will declare he doesn’t like “fallen” soldiers and will vow “to primary” the USS ARIZONA, before being told it is a sunken battleship, not a candidate. He’ll spend the rest of the morning reenacting “Happy Madison” scenes with Adam Sandler on a military golf course.

9:00 a.m. Don Jr. will give the tiki idol to Eric when they go out for a quick hunt for the Obama birth certificate. While reaching for ammo, a tarantula will appear on Eric’s arms. He’ll then place the idol and tarantula in his sister Ivanka’s yoga mat bag and blame housekeeping.


10:00 a.m. Sarah Sanders’ mid-morning press briefing: “None of this ever happened,” followed by the discussion that “Aloha means goodbye” and then “Aloha means hello,” and then, “We’ve never seen the word ‘Aloha,’ it has nothing to do with Hawaii, and you are disrespectful for asking about it.”

11:00 a.m. Ivanka, using her cursed yoga mat, will wrench her back and call for ice, which will result in a swarm of federal agents, until she explains, “not ICE.” The tarantula will crawl away.

12:00 noon. Visit to the set of “Hawaii Five-O.’’ May be cancelled, as producers can’t ensure the nervous-making phrase, “Book ’em, Danno,” will not be uttered within earshot of the First Family.

1:00 p.m. Steve Bannon will find the discarded idol and hang it on Jared, telling him it will bring him “good luck” in his surfing contest.

1:03 p.m. Jared will wipe out immediately, because he trained for an Internet surfing contest.

2:00 p.m. John Kelly revisionst briefing, where the White House chief of staff will “restore the sanctity” of “Moana” by explaining it was Maui’s and Te Ka’s “lack of an ability to compromise” that led to the loss of Te Fiti’s heart.

4:00 p.m. Luau. Once told “poke” and “SPAM” are foods, not verbs, POTUS will request these items be cut, cut, cut from the menu.


Mahalo!

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follower her on Twitter@IWishIHadTyped.