MTV

Hello, friends, and welcome to the most important day of our country’s brief history. Outside, the election may be raging in full force — get out and vote! — but inside, much more important things are happening: Farrah’s opening a furniture store, Amber’s adopting a 26-year-old, and Maci is manufacturing some kind of wedding drama with her grandpa so her segments can be about her again and not about her producer Jaala, whose entire job seems to be making Ryan’s mom cry and then failing to hide the fact that she’s delighted by all the teeth-gnashing going on around her. I mean, seriously, did anyone else see how fucking angry Jaala got when Ryan’s mom suggests that her son and her husband have their above-ground pool confrontation off-camera? Girl was about to twist the head off a small animal. I respect that.



And since we’re already on the subject….

Maci

Maci has finally finished her wedding and honeymoon planning and only has one thing left to do: ask her grandpa if he will officiate her ceremony. She and Phil Robertson spend an awkward few moments in the car worried about whether her grandpa (an ordained minister) will say yes to being part of one of her most important days of her life, and it’s pretty awkward since we all know the guy’s going to say yes. Phil Robertson is especially bad at pretending to care while Maci hems and haws, but he musters up some encouraging words, which is nice, I guess. Not that there’s really anything to worry about considering that (1) officiating a wedding is both a big honor and really easy and (2) Maci’s GRANDFATHER IS AN ORDAINED MINISTER. THIS IS, LIKE, HIS ENTIRE JOB. Unless he and Maci are in some kind of blood feud, why would he say no? (Of course he says yes and then proceeds to ask all sorts of minister-type questions that Maci and Phil haven’t even thought about. Love this grandpa.)

Aside from Maci’s bridal shower — which sees Maci looking for pricetags on gifts, another thing I can both relate to and respect — her segment of this episode is actually all about Ryan, his family, and the emotional torture Jaala continues putting his poor mother through while lying about “not meaning to make anyone upset” even though she knows that the chances of renewal get higher every time the mascara runs and someone leaves the room to take a Xanax because their family is literally falling apart.

Here’s the good news: Ryan seems to be off the drugs — his eyes have returned to normal — and is apparently in a happy new relationship with some girl named Mackenzie who (let’s face it) just wants to be on TV. He’s also interested in making amends with his dad, which we can all get behind, and getting his life in order (something Mackenzie claims to care about too, but, like, who are you, Mackenzie? Why are you here? I don’t have any more room in my psyche to add another character to this tire fire of a show). Great! I hope he starts with figuring out how to do simple adult things, like taking out the garbage, which Ryan seems not to understand. Life tip: The garbage doesn’t get picked up unless you put it on the curb. Your county’s garbage people will not break into your house to get at it if you’re not home. You need to plan ahead, buddy!

Honestly, it’s a good thing Ryan and his dad are going to make up, because every time I watch this guy try to live his own life, I get anxious he’s going to accidentally set himself on fire and not even know how to stop, drop, and roll. He’s like a perpetual 14-year-old left alone for the summer because his baby-sitter died and he told no one. He wears hats with cartoon eyes on them, OK? This is not an actual adult. The only thing I regret? That Jaala didn’t demand the cameras remain on while Ryan and his father had their poolside chat. There is nothing I would have loved to see more than two men making amends while one of them was shirtless and skimming bugs off the top of his plastic pool.

Oh, also: The kids are fine. But, like, who cares, right?

Amber

This week, Amber and Matt decided they were going to adopt Matt’s oldest estranged son (same age as Amber, so that isn’t awkward) and Matt spent an inordinate amount of time trying to turn his son’s addiction into a redemption arc for himself. First, Matt wonders whether he should have been more present in his son’s life, which: probably! I’m going to bet that having your dad around to help instead of trying to get on a TV show about girls who had babies young would have probably been helpful.

Second, when Matt and Amber talk to Chris about moving in with them — apparently that's no longer happening, by the way — Matt keeps talking about himself and his own struggles when this whole moment is supposed to be about what Chris is going through. The guy is drinking himself to sleep, and here’s Matt with the “woe is me” story we’ve heard from him about 500 different times now. Let’s focus on Chris for a second, OK, buddy? Let’s focus on the fact that he’s about to move in with you and a stepmom who is his exact age in a state he’s never lived in. Let’s focus on how bad Chris probably feels about the fact that his life is so shitty while his dad is out there engaged to a 26-year-old and living out his reality-show fantasies in their Barbie dream house (that’s exactly how it’s decorated and fight me if you think otherwise). Oh? What’s that? No … Matt just wants to talk about his struggles some more. OK.

As usual, Amber has to be the adult in the relationship and set boundaries and rules, and talk about how Chris should do some kind of program because his plan of “just forgetting I ever drank and focusing on the future” is a pipe dream that will get him in all sorts of trouble. But since Chris isn’t really here to listen to someone his age be his mom, he just says “yeah” and quickly forgets everything she said. Amber does suggest that if Chris is struggling, he come talk to her because she’s up until, like, 3 to 4 every night doing god knows what and would be happy to talk to him — and be his friend and not his mom. OK, Amber, we get it: You’re not his mom. But every time you say that, it kind of feels like you are.

Also: Who else is rooting for some kind of Matt-Chris-Amber-Chris’s man-bun love triangle (square?) situation? I know I shouldn’t be, but girl…

Catelynn

Catelynn now has purple hair (which is a choice) and seems to be doing better (or at least the dishes). She and Tyler have a couple of cute moments as they talk about celebrating their first anniversary and try to eat a tier of their wedding cake, which they’d frozen for the occasion so it now looks really melted and disgusting. They're cute! Let’s be happy for them! They’re out there doing their thing, living life, go-karting in the dunes! Fun!

Two things though: First, Catelynn drops the bombshell that she wants to have a lot of kids — which earned a painful gasp from me — but is worried about having postpartum depression (sensible). Still, she says she’ll be ready for another kid in, like, a year and Tyler sort of agrees … but, like, no? I don’t think the Baltierras could survive having another kid right now.

Second — and this is heartbreaking — Carly’s adoptive parents have decided not to allow Catelynn and Tyler their yearly visit. They’ve actually stopped most communication and it feels like they’re saying, “You guys, we all need to take a break until you’re done with this TV show.” That’s fair. Theresa has said multiple times that she doesn’t want Carly involved with the show, and while I feel for both Catelynn and Tyler, it seems like they’ve kind of forgotten that they’re not actually Carly’s parents.

MTV

Dawn, the adoption counselor, meets with Catelynn and Tyler to discuss why the visitation isn’t happening, and she actually brings a folder full of copies of the adoption contract, which states that Theresa and Brandon can grant or deny the visits at their discretion. (Another life tip: Nothing good ever comes from someone bringing a folder to a meeting.) Dawn explains that this doesn’t mean visits are over forever — although they very well may be, which makes my heart ache. Yours too? — but also gently tries to let Catelynn know that now isn’t the time to pressure Carly’s parents into giving her a definite answer and that, actually, it’s probably a better idea to start trying to build up trust with them again and asking about how Carly’s doing instead of demanding visits. Catelynn’s very upset. I’m just over here hoping that she and Tyler are really hearing Dawn’s message. Maybe now would be a good time to stop talking about Carly on TV? I don’t know. It’s just a very sad situation.



Farrah

This week’s episode sees Farrah visiting Derek’s family once again to do some fishing (Sophia pets a fish, which is the same thing, I guess) and celebrating a stretch of highway his family adopted to commemorate his memory. Things seem to be going well until Farrah is asked about her furniture store — which, to our collective surprise, opened and still exists! — and immediately goes on the defensive for a second before everyone calms her down by telling her how proud they are of her.

Here’s my biggest issue with Farrah: I find her infuriating because she is a hot-headed rageaholic with no self control or awareness, but I can also relate to her because it’s understandable that she’d be on the defensive when every one of her choices is constantly questioned due to her past decisions. Debra and Michael did such a poor job modeling what healthy relationships look like to her that she’s constantly in a state of believing that everyone is out to get her and that she needs to prove herself.

Case in point: When Debra shows up to visit Farrah and help her with the furniture store, Farrah is ready to burst the second that Debra says hello (if you watched the episode, you can even see the anguish on her face when Sophia mentions missing grandma) and goes ballistic as soon as Debra says she’s missed her — “People are busy, mom.” Is that bratty behavior? On the surface, yes, but considering their relationship (and how passive-aggressive Debra is) it’s also something I get. The more Farrah tries to pull away and be an adult, the more Debra pushes Farrah for the affection that Farrah can’t give her (at least not now).

In order to celebrate Farrah’s furniture store opening — and Farrah explaining how furniture stores work is a sight to behold, so I suggest you watch at least that portion of the episode if you haven’t already — Debra brings Farrah a decorative pillow … because I guess furniture stores sell pillows? But this isn’t a pillow for the store? It’s a pillow for Farrah. And it’s fucking weird as hell. Not because it’s ugly or anything, but because the writing on it reads ,“Mirror mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all.”

MTV

“Are you trying to be weird?” Farrah asks when she is presented with this decorative monstrosity, and Debra mumbles something about putting it on Farrah’s bed or her couch, which would be … a very strange choice. Why the fuck do pillows like this even exist anyway? Who is going to put them in their house? Why in the world would anyone stick a pillow making reference to their mom on their bed? Why aren’t we just burning all of these things in a mass bonfire that will let the home goods industrial complex know that we are done with pillows with sayings on them in 2016? (We are also done with wood blocks that spell shit out, but that’s a story for another day). Here’s another life tip (I seem to have a lot of them today) that might help you with your everyday existence: If you have a strained relationship with your child, don’t continually force yourself onto them, whether in person or through decorative pillows. Instead, do the exact opposite of Debra — who Farrah says “dumbs my fucking brain” every time she talks to her — and leave the lines of communication open while allowing your child to approach you in the way they are most comfortable. (Source: experience.)

Here’s hoping that Farrah’s furniture store is a success — “it was a success before it even opened, because it was my idea,” I imagine Farrah saying — and that she continues celebrating the fact that she’s been “blessed with a brain” while the rest of us silently try to hold it together. (Joke’s on us though: She's a millionaire.) (Or at least she was on Millionaire Matchmaker. That counts, right?)

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