alright guys

just bought a copy of ovid’s metamorphoses

for fifty cents

in a curio shop

that until today

i thought was a crackhouse

so yall are gonna have to put up with some greek myths for a while

FOR EXAMPLE

there is this dude apollo right

actually he is more of a god than a dude

a god who has gotten all his cocks in a basket

(this being a phrase i just made up

meaning to become full of one’s self)

because he just killed a fucking python

the first python ever

it’s a bigger deal than it sounds actually

and to tell you about it

would require telling you a whole other myth

which is kind of like the biblical flood

but with werewolves

which i was actually gonna tell today

but then i decided fuck it

anyway if you wanna hear it you should let me know

BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND

apollo has got all his cocks in a basket right

and he does what any man in his situation would do

he starts talking shit

he is like I AM THE BEST BOWMAN EVER

NO ONE IS A BETTER BOWMAN THAN ME

and cupid hears him

and is like oh yeah?

how about me?

and apollo is like how about fuck you

and cupid is like how about i use my arrows to make your life a living hell

and apollo is like how about OH SHIT OH DAMN OH SHITDAMN

because cupid is shooting him in the face

or i guess the heart

but really i mean

cupid only has to hit him in the heart

with one of his arrows

no law that says he can’t fire a bunch of other ones

at your face

in fact sometimes i suspect that is exactly what he does

anyway apollo falls in love with the first chick he sees

this broad daphne

but cupid doesn’t stop there

no no no

he gets another arrow

a really blunt arrow

tipped with lead

and he shoots daphne with it

right between the tits

and the face

so in the collarbone i guess

but instead of breaking her collarbone

this arrow has the effect

of making her totally uninterested in boning apollo

not that daphne needed any help with this at all

because she has already pledged to be a virgin forevar

even though she has a totally rockin body

so then apollo shows up

all HEY HEY HEY DAPHNE

I AM HERE TO PERSONALLY DELIVER AN INVITATION

TO A PARTY

IN MY TOGA

IT’S GONNA BE A SMALL PARTY

REALLY MORE OF A KICKBACK

REALLY MORE LIKE JUST YOU AND ME

IN MY TOGA

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

and daphne does not say anything

because she is already running the FUCK away from there

so what is apollo supposed to do?

he starts running after her obviously

and she keeps running away

and he keeps running after her

and apollo is like WOMAN DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM

I AM APOLLO

I AM LITERALLY A GREEK GOD

I KILLED A PYTHON

IT WAS A HUGE DEAL

I CAN PLAY THE LYRE

I CAN TELL THE FUTURE

I CAN HEAL ANY WOUND

YOUR COLLARBONE LOOKS A LITTLE BRUISED LET ME CHECK IT OUT

but daphne is having none of it

she is hauling ass straight to motherfucking egypt if she has to

so she runs

and he runs

and etc

for THREE DAYS

SERIOUSLY THAT MANY DAYS

and the whole time apollo is like RIGHT behind her

like gonna getcha

gonna gonna getcha

and finally

at the end of these three days

daphne gets tired

and apollo does not

and he is like ha HA!

but the place where daphne finally gets tired

is right on the banks of this river Peneus

haha peneus

and guess what guys

that river

is daphne’s DAD

HOLY SHIT PLOT TWIST

actually not really

in the original version

you are given this information from the beginning

this is just bad storytelling on my part

but anyway daphne is like DAD

HELP

TURN ME INTO A TREE SO I DONT GET RAPED

and BAM

first laurel tree ever motherfuckers

right there

where daphne used to be

and apollo runs in

like MAN CAN I TOUCH SOME TIT BEFORE YOU TURN TO WOOD aww

but he salvages the situation

by declaring that from now on

he’s gonna wear a wreath of laurels all the time

and so is his lyre

and some other stuff of his

and some roman dudes

and all this shit

i think the words he actually uses are

“you cannot be my woman but you can be my tree”

which is just intensely creepy

but daphne seems ok with it

i guess because it is either this or rape

so ladies

the moral of the story is

fuck wasting your money on a rape whistle

get adopted by a river named Penis

problem solved