DJ and Kimmie Gibbler make some jokes that aren’t worth mentioning in the kitchen and then Ramona rushes downstairs to answer the front door, as she’s expecting her dance team to show up. DJ’s boring ass kids come home and DJ is real suspicious about why the oldest one is wearing a jacket in such hot weather. DJ removes the jacket from his person, revealing some really terrible makeup job that’s supposed to look like an injury.

After a brief interrogation, DJ gets the younger kid to narc on the older one, revealing that the older kid has been participating in reckless activities with some friend of his. DJ forbids any further naughty revelry and the kids bitch and moan about it. Stephanie enters the scene and tells everyone that she’s gonna be DJing at Lucha Kaboom, a Mexican wrestling establishment, so everyone will be getting free tickets and also probably some sort of opportunity to ruin the show for the rest of the crowd. Stephanie tells everyone that King Jaguarito will be the headlining wrestler and then DJ calls him, “King Dorito” because even though this show has managed to make a lot of improvements over the original series, the creators still think it’s funny to completely mangle the Spanish language.

Ramona and her friends practice their dance moves and then Kimmie Gibbler busts out some cookies that are a throwback to the jokes not worth mentioning from the opening scene, which I would continue to not mention if not for the fact that she places them further in the foreground of this set than we’ve ever seen before. I don’t know why but I always think it’s interesting when we see some part of a set on a tv show that we never have before.

Ramona tells her friends that they need some fly ass moves to wrap up their dance with and then Kimmie Gibbler shows them a routine that she’s invented. It’s really awful. Usually Kimmie Gibbler can sell even the lamest schticks, but this one’s just plain hard to watch. I’ve always theorized that Full House is actually about an evil sentient house that’s driving its inhabitants crazy and this only furthers that premise, as we are now witnessing Kimmie Gibbler, who was once the only likeable person on this whole show, becoming just another corny asshole.

DJ has an exchange with her studly assistant about how she’s using some app on her phone to keep tabs on her oldest kid. She explains that her kid’s in some, “crazy Jackass phase” because this show is really into outdated references. The assistant guy explains that young boys like to do stupid shit so she should just deal with it but DJ ain’t havin’ that.

She discovers through her invasive app that her oldest kid is at his naughty friends house so she heads over there to ruin his fun. DJ seems to be able to just walk out of work whenever she wants. Actually, her job is beholden to whatever is convenient to the plot. Like, when the story needs her to not be at the house there seems to always be some emergency at work, but whenever there’s a scene at her job and then some shit goes down elsewhere she just cuts out immediately.

So I guess that when DJ’s kids hang out with their mischievous friend they like to perform irresponsible stunts while a bunch of other kids watch. Why are there so many other kids there? It doesn’t add anything to the scene, and it just seems odd to me that a whole group of kids would stand around as spectators to these lame activities. I mean, I guess if they were participating at all it would make sense. DJ’s oldest kid and his naughty friend, Bobby Popko, cover the younger kid in padding and then the older kid body slams him from on top of a tool shed. It actually doesn’t look all that dangerous. I mean, I probably wouldn’t do it, but it’s only like a 6 foot drop and there does seem to be an awful lot of padding involved. Regardless, DJ rolls up on the scene just as the stunt occurs and flips the fuck out. She seems really concerned about whether or not her younger kid is ok after the tool shed body slam and then she gets all up in the older kids grill about pulling this kind of shit after she told him not to. She tells him that he’s punished and therefore can’t go to Lucha Kaboom and then she leads him away, totally leaving the younger kid behind, who is wearing too much padding to get up.

It’s kind of weird that she’d just abandon him like that after being so concerned for his safety seconds earlier. The scene ends with him struggling to get up and I kept expecting a final moment where DJ comes back for him but it never happened. For all we know that kid could end up lying there for hours.

Stephanie practices some dance steps with Ramona and her friends and then they all thank her for offering up better moves than Kimmie Gibbler did, but then we see that Kimmie Gibbler is standing in the doorway and can hear the whole thing. Stone cold diss! Before I get to Kimmie Gibbler’s reaction, I have to talk shit about how Stephanie says that she collaborated with Rihanna on the creation of the dance moves that she’s sharing with the kids. Man, Stephanie’s bullshit name dropping really bugs me. It was feasible when she said that she’d partied with Macy Grey because that’s like a totally washed up one hit wonder, but Rihanna is a legit megastar so there’s just no way she’d have anything to do with Stephanie’s sorry ass. All the allusions to Stephanie’s exciting, glamorous DJ lifestyle seem really hollow and sad to me. It sort of feels like she’s just making it all up or something, or like the show is trying to put her on a level that she’s clearly not deserving of. It would be one thing if she was like, “that’s like that one time that I drank too much cheap champagne and threw up all night in the green room of some shitty club in Texas” or, “that’s reminds me of the time that I partied with Six from Blossom” but working out dance choreography with Rihanna? Gimme a fuckin’ break.

So Kimmie Gibbler gets all pissed about her kid turning to Stephanie for help with her dance routine so she declares her usefulness by launching into a worst-of-the-90’s montage of dances and pop culture references. Again, she delivers it as well as could be hoped for, but the material is pretty painful. I feel like I should have more to say about it but I just found the whole routine to be exhausting. It was basically a frantic collection of everything that I wished people would stop saying and doing when I was 12 years old. Stephanie tells the girls that they’ve been invited to perform at Lucha Kaboom because why not? and then Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “fuck all y’all” because they wont incorporate her moves into their routine.

DJ’s oldest kid kisses her ass in a variety of ways but she still refuses to let him go to Lucha Kaboom. Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler continue to have tension over Ramona preferring Stephanie’s dance moves. Kimmie Gibbler mocks Stephanie and points out her big ol’ titties but refrains from pointing out how obviously fake they are, so she’s really pulling her punches if you ask me.

DJ initiates a really awkward transition by commenting on the costume that her middle kid is wearing, which is apparently a replica of the one that King Jaguarito wears. Incidentally, I’m not really sure how odd it is that they’re all going to a Mexican wrestling establishment. I can’t say for sure that they don’t have those in San Francisco, but I’ve certainly never heard of one. It does seem like a pretty random location to build an episode around. Anyway, everyone except for DJ’s oldest kid leaves for Lucha Kaboom and then he stares at them out of the window while sad guitar music plays. Hey, we’ve never seen this out-the-window camera angle before, either. How interesting!

As the wrestlers descend onto the stage, DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupas!” Seriously, though, why is this his catch phrase? It really doesn’t mean anything, and I have no idea where it’s coming from. “Have mercy” and “how rude” were some really uninspired pieces of shit, but they at least sort of sounded like something a person might say in real life, or were somewhat contextually appropriate. I guess that a Mexican wrestling establishment makes “holy chalupas” work as well as it’s going to, but that doesn’t mean that it makes it work.

Ramona gets a text from one of the members of her dance team that says that she wont be able to participate because she’s got a wicked case of the shits (that’s really why!) so the girls ask Stephanie to participate because it’s not totally weird to see a dance crew that’s 3 12-year-olds and a grown woman. Stephanie does Kimmie Gibbler a solid by offering up her dance spot with the girls, although she might just be doing it because any sensible adult would find the situation pretty embarrassing.

The announcer at the event informs the audience that it’s time for the King Jaguarito costume contest and, naturally, DJ’s kid enters and immediately wins. But, wait, can we take a minute to check out this weird old guy who enters the competition? What’s this guys deal?

I would watch a whole show that was all about this guy. I want to know everything about his whole life.

It turns out that King Jaguarito is a little person, which may or may not contribute to a hilarious misunderstanding in a few minutes. He and DJ’s kid share a brief, unremarkable exchange and then Ramona and her friends come out and do their dance routine because this whole Mexican wrestling performance is actually all about the people from the fuller house for some reason. The best thing about the routine is that it takes up a fair amount of time and I’m always watching the clock as I work my way through these reviews. I should also mention that the routine climaxes with the girls doing Kimmie Gibbler’s dance routine from earlier because the moral of this show is always that everyone should always get what they want all the time.

Meanwhile, back at the fuller house, DJ’s oldest kid devises a naughty scheme with Bobby Popko. Even though their plan is clearly stated, I found it to be very confusing. Apparently DJ’s oldest kid is supposed to put on a Mexican wrestling mask and sneak into the match at Lucha Kaboom. Why? I have no idea. Does he just want to go to Lucha Kaboom, or is this like another crazy stunt dare? I actually replayed the scene to try to wrap my head around this… What Bobby Popko says is, “put on the mask and sneak into the wrestling match.” So is he just saying that he should go watch the wrestling match and that he should wear a mask while he does it so DJ doesn’t find out? Or is he saying to sneak into the actual match, like enter the ring? And even if he is just going to see the show, how’s he going to get in? I guess he could buy his own ticket if we can assume that the show isn’t sold out and that this kid has enough money, but… I just find this all the be very confusing.

But the most baffling part of the plan is that they put the older kid’s phone on the dog so that DJ will think that he’s still at the fuller house, proposing that seeing the phone move around will make it more convincing (which means that the app has some serious pinpoint accuracy), but the older kid wonders why Bobby Popko doesn’t just hold onto the phone because, for some reason, he’s going to be hanging out at the fuller house while DJ’s kid goes to the show. Why is Bobby Popko holding it down at the house by himself during all of this? Just, why? This was seriously the most perplexing 30 seconds of tv I’ve ever seen.

As DJ enjoys the wrestling match she decides that her oldest kid has learned his lesson so she calls him up to join the festivities. Unfortunately, DJ’s oldest kid’s phone is attached to the dog, who is sitting next to Bobby Popko on the couch. No, but for reals, why is he in the house by himself?

As if all this hasn’t been nonsensical enough, y’all better emotionally prepare yourselves for what’s about to happen, because it’s just completely fucking insane. DJ’s oldest kid walks into the venue and sees King Jaguarito wrestling, who he mistakes for his little brother even though he seemed to be familiar with King Jaguarito earlier and, for that reason, as well as many other, should know better than to draw that conclusion. Regardless, he jumps into the match, which may have been his plan anyway. I’m still not too clear on that part. Since this whole fucking thing has gone so deep down a rabbit hole of illogical fantasy that nothing seems to even matter anymore, it’s not even that surprising when these trained professional wrestlers immediately start assaulting a young kid who’s entered the ring.

DJ’s kid is unmasked and, just when I thought that I could not feel any more like I was going mentally insane while I was watching this, things escalate. Right as an adult professional wrestler is about to punch DJ’s kid in the face even though he’s clearly, unmistakably, a child, DJ jumps into the ring and starts beating the shit out of everyone.

WHAT?!!? The craziest part about it is that Candace Cameron is amazing at performing these wrestling moves. It’s clearly not a stunt double, as you can see her face the whole time. It would be one thing if she just ran in and put a stop to everything but she busts out an elaborate, choreographed series of very professional looking acrobatic wrestling moves. It was stunning as both an impressive performance by the actress (seriously, how did she learn how to do all that shit? I am in awe of her) and as the most startlingly logic-defying nonsense I have ever witnessed in my life, which has been filled with many wasted hours watching garbage tv that makes no sense.

The best part is that, as DJ is announced as the winner of the match, we get a bunch of shots of the crowd, including that amazing old guy who entered the King Jaguarito costume contest. Every second that he is present onscreen is precious to me.

I can’t think of a more egregious example of these people showing up at an event and completely taking over everything. At least it would sort of make sense when they would know the Beach Boys and then get to be onstage at their show or host a telethon for Danny’s tv station or something, but this is just fucking gobbledygook. It’s almost too over-the-top to even criticize because there’s no way to apply any semblance of logic to any of it. Even after breaking it down moment-by-moment, I’m still not sure what I just saw.

So, anyway, back at the fuller house, DJ has a very special talk with her son. DJ’s kid asks her how she knew all those wrestling moves, which is a really great question, and she says that she doesn’t know and chalks it up to maternal protective instincts. I guess that’s about as good of an explanation as we could have hoped for. DJ tells her kid that he needs to stop engaging in such reckless behavior even though she just brazenly exemplified the complete opposite of that in the most blatant manner imaginable and then they hug it out.

DJ also tells him to quit hanging out with Bobby Popko but he says that Bobby Popko is his best friend (which I guess is feasible since he appears to be his only friend, at least as far as we know), going so far as to refer him as, “my Kimmie Gibbler.” Bobby Popko then walks into the room after reportedly taking a very long shower, which you would think that DJ would have been aware of. As scattered as my brain is after sitting through all this, one thing is clear: Bobby Popko, you are no Kimmie Gibbler.

I’ve been giving this show some credit here and there because I really do think that it’s an improvement over the original series, but this shit was at least as bad as anything we’ve ever seen from Full House. It was abrasive and self-absorbed, made virtually no sense and ended with an extremely superfluous life-lesson. There have been some highlights on this show so far but this one really took it down a notch. Or, like, a bazillion notches.

Before I call it a wrap on this entry I just wanted to give a heads-up: I’m not going to be posting a review next week because I need a week off from this shit. Returning to this blog has made me totally mystified as to how the fuck I managed to do this every week for 4 years and I’d like to take a week to deal with actual shit in my real life that this thing gets in the way of. There will be a new post next week, though. It’ll be a bonus entry that is an interview with an actual fan of Full House. I thought it would be fun to talk with someone who actually likes this crap to try to understand what their fuckin’ deal is. I think it’s gonna be really good. I’ll post a new review the following week and then every week after that until the Season wraps up. Stay tuned!