One writer says it’s rude of wedding couples to exclude kids from their celebrations. (Photo: Heide Benser/ Corbis)



Questions of etiquette always arise as wedding season picks up, and one writer has raised a question that has lots of people talking: Is it selfish to have an adult-only wedding?

In a recent essay posted on YourTango, writer Chaunie Brusie says that as a parent she thinks it’s rude not to allow children at your wedding. “While I totally get that most couples don’t want to fork over the cash to pay for some snotty-nosed children to eat a few rolls and bust a move in the chicken dance, adult-only weddings have become my nemesis. … The truth is, I just can’t afford so many kids-free weddings,” she writes. “For couples that have kids, an adult-only wedding is a painful decision-making process that includes weighing the cost of a babysitter with the most special night of your lives, which is just another weekend in ours.“

STORY: 4-Year-Old Flower Girl Pulls Cute Stunt in Mom’s Wedding Photo



Brusie says that the cost of hiring a babysitter to watch her kids while she’s celebrating a couple’s nuptials can be steep. “For us, to attend the ceremony and a reception, I’ll easily shell out over 100 bucks on a babysitter, plus the wedding gift. It’s a horrendously expensive date night, and I’m sorry (and no offense to you and the love of your life), but that’s really asking a lot of your guests with young children,” she writes. “If you’re like the rest of us, hosting a pretty standard wedding and reception and aren’t inviting kids because of the cost, it’s a tough pill for me to swallow. I’d rather bring my kids after dinner or pop them on my lap to share my buttered roll, so we could all attend your special day without it costing me an arm and a leg to be there.”

The story got about 12,000 shares and even caught the attention of the folks at the Today show, who debated the issue on Monday morning. “There are some times when you can’t have kids,” said Matt Lauer. “Sometimes it’s hard, you have people running around trying to take in their kids at special moments.”

Story continues

STORY: Kids Paired Up at a Wedding 20 Years Ago Get Married

But Hoda Kotb said that maybe wedding couples should make exceptions for out-of-town weddings. “If it’s a destination and you’re going to be traveling with kids, you’re not going to leave them at home,” she explained.

Today surveyed viewers, and 88 percent of those who weighed in disagreed with Brusie, saying it’s not selfish to have a no-kids rule at your big day. Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas, agrees. “It’s perfectly acceptable to have an adult-only wedding,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. “The focal point is the bride and groom for that moment and respecting their wishes. There are many reasons why they may make that decision; it’s not necessarily that they don’t like children. But whatever the reason, it should be their choice.”

Similarly, it is a wedding guest’s choice to decline an invitation, she says. “For the parent who thinks the cost is too high, it’s perfectly OK for them not to come. You can opt to say, ‘It sounds like a great time, but we are going to pass,” she says. It is not OK, however, to ask to bring your kids. “That just puts pressure on the bride and groom. If the name is not on the invitation — or it’s not addressed to you ‘and family’ — don’t ask. If they make an exception for one, they have to for everyone, and you are putting the couple in a difficult situation.”

The one thing you can ask the special couple, Gottsman says, is whether they have childcare recommendations for an out-of-town wedding. But even in that case, use your own resources first. “You can say, ‘I know that probably several couples are like us and bringing their kids. Do you know what those kids are doing for accommodations? Did the hotel give you a reference list?’ Or, even better, call the hotel yourself.”

In the end, it’s about mutual respect, Gottsman says. Guests should respect the wedding couple enough not to add to their invite list, and the couple should respect their guests’ families enough to understand they may have to decline rather than shell out money for a sitter.

But Brusie says she thinks everybody wins with kids at the affair. “Is it just me or do kids sometimes make the party?” she says. “Who else has such a carefree lack of inhibitions (sober) on the dance floor? Who else can you do the robot with and not feel like an idiot? Everybody dances more when there are kids around, and parents don’t have to hurry home to pay the sitter.”

Please follow @YahooParenting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Have an interesting story to share about your family? Email us at YParenting (at) Yahoo.com.