Michael Jackson Photograph: Glyn Kirk/AFP/Getty Images

First things first, then. Is this the worst thing ever seen at a football ground? Hang on, let me rephrase that: this is the worst thing ever seen at a football ground. To the general outrage of all right-minded Fulham fans, and the hilarity of everyone else, Mohammad Al-Fayed unveiled his statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage this afternoon. Look at it. You might, might, get away with it, if you produce something vaguely classy and understated, perhaps something in burnished bronze or marble. But this embarrassing full colour Play-doh sculpted, Madame Tussauds reject? Really? You have to feel sorry for Fulham fans, you really do.

And Fayed, having unveiled this monstrosity, further endeared himself to the home faithful: "Why is it bizarre? Football fans love it," he gibbered. "If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift they can go to hell. I don't want them to be fans. If they don't understand and don't believe in things I believe in they can go to Chelsea, they can go to anywhere else."

So, Fulham fans, your chairman says if you don't like this unspeakably tacky, gobsmackingly cheap, eyewateringly ugly, teeth-gratingly embarrassing, utterly, utterly awful monument to a 'controversial' pop star whose private life means the word controversial has to be placed in inverted commas before his description as a pop star and who has as much to do with Fulham Football Club as the Teletubbies have to do with the Denver Broncos, then you can do one down the road to Stamford Bridge. Nice one Chairman Mo. Nice one.

The match? A win for either side would be a huge leap towards safety. Fulham draw like a Rolf Harris in a Red Bull frenzy, while Blackpool of late have tasted defeat more often than a chiropodist with a foot fetish.

The teams are in:

Fulham: Schwarzer, Baird, Hughes, Hangeland, Salcido, Duff, Etuhu, Murphy, Dempsey, Zamora, Dembele. Subs: Stockdale, Kelly, Sidwell, Johnson, Gudjohnsen, Kakuta, Davies, Michael Jackson.

Blackpool: Kingson, Baptiste, Cathcart, Evatt, Crainey, Grandin, Adam, Vaughan, Ormerod, Beattie, Taylor-Fletcher. Subs: Rachubka, Southern, Eardley, Varney, Kornilenko, Puncheon, Reid.

Referee: Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire)

So Bobby Zamora is fit to start for the home side, while James Beattie and Brett Ormerod come in for the Tangerines.

Craven Cottage, at some point in the future? Photograph: Reuters

Photoshop is a wonderful thing …

Ian Holloway is in typically chipper mood pre-match – he reckons his side need "six or nine" points for survival. Forty points should be enough, I'd say, although every team in the league has earned more points than last season's bottom three.

ADVERTS, ADVERTS, ADVERTS … Drink weirdly coloured sports juice … Gamble … Get satellite TV … Get an ISA … Go on holiday … Go to the cinema … Get satellite TV. Again. Gamble. Again.

Peep! Blackpool kick things off.

1 min: The visitors whack a couple of long balls forward, Fulham heads rise highest.

2 min: One minute and 37 seconds in a Fulham foot finally gets a touch on the ball. Blackpool looking typically silky in possession.

4 min: Dembele spins away from couple of defenders and zips a cross in at shoulder height. Scrambling defending gives Fulham a corner …

5 min: … cleared from underneath the crossbar. "No ads for demolition gear then?" wonders Stephen Poyer. "Shame. Some very Rooney-esque words came out of my mouth when I saw the photos. Hope we get a result today, we need it. At least following from Benin means I'm a long way from that 'statue'."

7 min: The GU Tower lawyers would be having a field day with my inbox today I can tell you. A heavy through-ball ends another promising Fulham attack.

8 min: Charlie Adam goes into Stuart Attwell's Big Book of Very Naughty Boys after chopping down Zamora. Murphy's resultant free-kick is nodded clear. Fulham on top in these early exchanges.

9 min: Adam skitters towards a backpeddling Fulham back four and thumps an optimistic effort over the bar from 40-odd yards.

11 min: "You know what's going to happen with that statue, don't you?" writes Alan Cooper. "There'll be enormous outrage at first; then someone will manage to make a joke of it (say, declaring that it looks more a Bizarro Bobby Zamora or something) and within a year Fulham fans won't be able to live without it ('Meet you at Bizarro Bobby!')." I reckon it'll do well to survive the week. Cathcart stops Dempsey in his tracks with a fine block.

12 min: Richard Kingson gets Blackpool hearts in mouths with a little shoulder drop to jink clear of the onrushing Zamora.

15 min: Duff hits the post! The build-up was beautiful – Salcido lofting in to Zamora, Zamora nodding down to Dembele, Dembele laying off to Duff, and Kingson superbly tipping the Irishman's shot onto the woodwork.

17 min: Blackpool's fans, at the opposite end of the pitch, think they have a penalty as Ormerod tumbles. They don't.

19 min: Kingson, cooler than a cucumber in shades, fakes out Dempsey with another little dragback as the forward closed down. Nice if it works, but it's the sort of thing that would give me palpitations.

20 min: Baird spanks a 30-yard shot at goal that thumps into Kingson's chest like a fist. The keeper does well to gather the rebound as Zamora closes in.

GOAL!!! Fulham 1-0 Blackpool (Zamora 23) That's a stonking strike from Bobby Zamora. James Beattie gets the assist with a horrendous pass that acted as a through-ball for the Fulham striker, who showed a surprising turn of pace to tear away from the defenders and lash the shot past Kingson.

25 min: "Lifeless, dead-eyed and apparently sculpted from PVC?" begins John Foster. "At least the statue resembles its subject." Beattie beats Hangeland in the air as Fulham swing in a corner.

26 min: Dembele fails to pick out a team-mate from a decent position as Fulham reel like a battered boxer. Speaking of which: "I can see this play-doh statue thing catching on," notes Nick Roxburgh on Twitter. "A Sylvester Stallone sculpture outside Goodison? May get a rocky reception." Ahem.

GOAL!!! Fulham 2-0 Blackpool (Zamora 28) Simplicity itself – Duff whips in a free-kick from close to the corner flag, Zamora gets across his marker and glances across goal. Blackpool's task goes from uphill to mountainous.

30 min: Grandin shimmies and shakes through the Fulham defence but he can't keep the ball under control and it bobbles through to the thus-far untroubled Schwarzer.

31 min: Baptiste sends a teasing ball across goal, and Baird has to poke away for a corner …

32 min: … punched away by Schwarzer, and Adam's shot is blocked as the Scottish midfielder picks up the scraps.

34 min: This is Blackpool's 31st game in the Premier League and they have now conceded 62 goals. Ouch.

36 min: Another shocking Blackpool pass – Adam the guilty party this time – gets Fulham on the front foot once more.

38 min: Another decent Baptiste cross, another solid clearance from Baird, but another Blackpool corner …

39 min: … and another Fulham clearance. The Tangerine mojo seems decidedly absent today.

41 min: So nearly 2-1! Schwarzer comes haring out as Blackpool punt forward, but Ormerod gets there first and flicks the ball towards goal. It's slowly heading in, but Baird scampers back superbly to nod clear from perhaps a yard out.

43 min: Grandin spanks a shot at goal but the formidable frame of Hangeland is in the way. Vaughan then cuts inside and sees his shot deflected narrowly wide.

Peep! Peeeeeep!!! And a jaunty old half comes to an end.

Half-time email dept.

"I think the Michael Jackson statue looks like it has come from a fairground," writes Robert Darby. "I can see it appealling to [SNIPPITY SNIP - MBM lawyers]."

"That statue is so bad it is wonderful," writes Cliff Challenger. "Is it true or an urban myth that Jackson went to see Fulham play West Ham and the Hammers' fans serenaded him with [SNIPPITY SNIP - MBM lawyers]."

"I've been thinking of ways to make the statue worse," writes Rob Smith. "The worst I have so far is [SNIPPITY SNIP - MBM lawyers] holding each leg."

Peep! Fulham start the second half and go rampaging forward from the off, only some dogged defending denying Dembele.

46 min: Fulham's goal difference is already superior to those around them, but you sense they could get a hatful here if they so wished. Another sweeping move ends on the edge of the Blackpool area with an Etuhu foul.

48 min: Adam whips in a set-piece that narrowly evades the outstretched feet of the onrushing attackers and thwocks into Schwarzer's midriff.

49 min: "WHERE ARE YER? WHERE ARE YER?" roars someone on the home terraces as the ball breaks loose in midfield. We could have another four-letter furore if that bloke goes all potty-mouthed. These pitchside microphones, eh? Won't someone think of the children!

51 min: "A fine effort by your good self on that statue. Couldn't agree more," writes Roy Allen, who knows how to get an email published on an MBM. "But in it's defence, it's looking more lively and mobile than James Beattie." True, although to be fair he's more isolated than Michael Jackson in a [SNIPPITY SNIP - MBM lawyers].

52 min: Adam sticks in another free-kick, but his team-mates are dozing and Fulham clear. Must be time for Puncheon or Varney soon.

54 min: "Re 49 mins: 'Won't someone think of the children!'" writes Gary Naylor. "Isn't that when [SNIPPITY SNIP - MBM lawyers]?"

55 min: The hugely impressive Dembele wriggles down the right and wins a corner. Why aren't Belgium making more of an impact internationally? They've got some serious talent at their disposal.

57 min: Blackpool aren't quite out of this at 2-0 and Beattie gives Fulham a warning, holding off Salcido and clipping the outside of Schwarzer's post from a tight angle.

58 min: Kingson makes a decent, awkward save as Dempsey stabs a shot at goal from the edge of the area.

60 min: Etuhu catches Adam with a stud or two, but Attwell keeps his powder dry, much to the chagrin of those in the away end. Another dangerous Adam set-piece gets smuggled away.

61 min: Bobby Zamora's day is done, and a fine day's work it has been. Andy "Andrew" Johnson replaces him.

62 min: Salcido sends in a cross that screams "NOD ME HOME!" as it whistles across the face of goal. Nobody answers its call, though.

64 min: Taylor-Fletcher dribbles cross-field and Murphy, who has been trying to get himself booked for a while now, gets his name taken by Attwell. Cue ironic cheers from the away end.

67 min: Plenty of pass, pass, pass from Blackpool, but it's going nowhere fast, so it's treble substitution time: Grandin, Ormerod and Beattie for Kornilenko, Puncheon and Varney.

68 min: Almost an immediate impact – Adam picks out Puncheon on the right and the winger attempts a left-footed curler around Schwarzer but can only hit straight at the keeper. Decent chance that.

70 min: Johnson's fleet-of-foot wins a free-kick for his side as Salcido drives low to the forward. Free-kick to Fulham …

GOAL!!! Fulham 3-0 Blackpool (Etuhu 72) … Murphy floats in the set-piece Dempsey heads against the post. Hangeland picks up the rebound and squares for Etuhu, who has been excellent in his roving roadblock role in midfield, taps home from close range.

73 min: Stick a fork in this one – it's done.

74 min: The Seasiders have four home games in a row after this – Arsenal, Wigan, Newcastle and Stoke. Win two of those and they'll stay up I reckon. They're getting nothing today though and Fulham want more. First Dembele and then Dempsey go close to adding a fourth as Blackpool get a bit shambolic at the back.

76 min: Steve Sidwell replaces Danny Murphy. "SEASIDERS! SEASIDERS!" chants a lone voice from the terraces. Sounding a bit plaintive now.

79 min: Blackpool are showing a bit of pluck, getting forward in numbers, but they've lacked a cutting edge today.

80 min: Another Fulham substitution. The quietly effective Duff comes off and Simon Davies jogs on.

82 min: Kornilenko and Hughes crash their heads together in an aerial challenge, Hughes's cheek cracking onto the Ukrainian's head. The Fulham man certainly seems to have come off worse …

83 min: … a rubber-faced Michael Jackson – think Bo Selecta – runs up and down the terrace steps to keep the crowd entertained while Hughes gets treatment. He looks a bit spaced out but he's going to continue. The Fulham defender, that is, though the same could be said of the chap in the stands.

86 min: Blackpool force a couple of corners but it's just not happening for Holloway's side today. A couple of hopeful penalty appeals go unrewarded.

87 min: Fine punch from Schwarzer as Taylor-Fletcher chips a cross in towards Varney.

89 min: Good noise from the away end as Blackpool continue to press for a consolation. Hangeland gets booked for tripping Adam. From the free-kick Cathcart should scored, has to score, but nods over from four yards.

90+1 min: Aaron Hughes is still struggling and he might not finish these final four minutes of stoppage time. And indeed he's heading off – Fulham should be able to cope with 10 men.

90+3 min: Ah, that's a sitter. A groan goes round the office as Gary Taylor-Fletcher – goal gaping, eight yards out, Schwarzer nowhere – skews wide. This is turning into a confidence-rattling display for Holloway's side.

Peep! Peep! Peeeeeeep! Referee Attwell puts the Seasiders out of their misery. A result that should seal Fulham's survival, but leaves Blackpool on the brink.

Right that's it from me. Thanks for all your emails, even those I couldn't use because of their references to [SNIPPITY SNIP! - MBM lawyers]. Be sure to join Tom Lutz for live coverage of Manchester City v Sunderland, but from me, cheerio!