HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty” quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler” in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,” said the Supreme Being of Paradise of the decadent, seedy era, explaining that while admittedly dangerous, he found himself yearning for a time when the Place of Eternal Rest had porn theaters everywhere and “the cops wouldn’t hassle you for no damn reason.” “Everything seemed more vital, more immediate, more alive, if that makes sense. And I don’t mean to be a name-dropper, but c’mon. Joplin, Hendrix, Jim Morrison, they’d all just arrived and were really starting to find their voices. At the same time, we didn’t think of it as anything special; it was just where we hung out. I mean, you didn’t have to be rich to live here back then. You just had to want it bad enough. Sure, you’d see a lot of junkie angels just strung out on dirty clouds. But now it’s just so sanitized. I kind of feel sorry for the young kids showing up in Heaven now since it’s all become places like Olive Garden and M&M’s World.” God, as He has historically done when asked the question, refused to answer whether Hell might be the cooler option now.

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