I’m writing this story somewhat under duress, since we’ve just spent the last 20 minutes in the Ars Slack debating the wrongness of Polygon’s rank of the “most bangable aliens in Mass Effect." That list posits (spoiler alert) that the drell are the most sexually desirable race in the Mass Effect universe, which is so wrong as to be a literal offense to God. Everyone knows that the only correct choice for making the Rigellian laborbeast with two backs in Mass Effect is a turian—specifically, one special top-shelf turian named Garrus “Archangel” Vakarian—and the only reason you can’t bang Garrus as a dude Shepard is because the resulting bromance-romance would shake the pillars of heaven, and then the game would be over because what kind of finale could top that?

After I’d typed all that out, there was a momentary digital silence in the channel. Then Ars editor Nate Anderson told me that I’d just volunteered myself to write a response, based on the fact that I seem to have the most experience with what Mass Effect aficionados refer to as “banging" (NSFW). I've played the original trilogy more times than the average bear, with at least 300 hours in each of the three games. So pull up a chair, friend, and let’s talk about sex. Nasty, alien sex.

The innocent days: Mass Effect

Boy or girl, there’s only one choice in Mass Effect, and that’s Liara, the blue-hued monogendered omnisexual scientist with a love for all things Prothean and a thirst for all things Commander Shepard. Yeah, sure, if you’re timid, you could have picked Kaiden or Ashley, but who wants to date Carth Onasi II or Ashley the Space Racist?

Liara’s not the best-written romance in Mass Effect, but you have to have your head stuck in a bucket to avoid getting involved with her (seriously, the conversation choices happen almost by accident). She’s smart but naïve and easy to find appealing. And, OK, I’m not proud here, but I’m just going to say this: She provides a voyeuristic window through which a straight dude like me can watch how two ladies fall in love and stuff—and, weirdly enough, it isn’t that much different from how it works for a straight couple.

In spite of the news to the contrary, you don’t get to watch anything truly voyeuristic, regardless of which alien you’re railing.

The suicidal days: Mass Effect 2

Ah, but now, dear reader, things get interesting. Your romance from the first game isn’t romanceable, but now you have new choices that include more aliens.

Polygon’s write-up sings the virtues of Thane Krios, the drell assassin and poet afflicted with a terminal disease that makes him 100-percent tragically irresistible—and I get it. I understand the appeal of Thane—so gentle, but so unstoppable; so kind, but so deadly; so spiritual, but so steeped in sin.

But here’s the problem: if you’re playing as FemShep, Garrus is a romance choice. Garrus Vakarian. You know, the Garrus Vakarian. So... why are we even talking? We’re not. We’re done talking. I’m Lee Hutchinson, and Garrus Vakarian is my favorite romance on the Citadel. I love you, Garrus.

But what about BroShep? You can’t romance Garrus if you’re male—because, like I mentioned above, the universe can’t handle that. So the next-best option is clearly Tali!

Tali—she’s cute (probably, but who can say?), she’s bubbly, and she gives you the most adorable “I thought you’d never notice me, senpai” speech in the engine room. Tali is the best romance choice for BroShep and I will hear no arguments, especially from you crazy people who romanced Miranda. Ugh. Don’t talk to me.

Bonus for Liara lovers: fear not, because thanks to the Lair of the Shadow Broker you can get a bit of action (pun intended!) with your best blue crush. If you want to stay true blue, avoid the temptations of other aliens and keep the faith.

The end of days: Mass Effect 3

And this brings us to the end—where you gotta face the music. Sort of.

Mass Effect 3 is full of dumb romance choices, most of which exist in order to make you regret picking them—like Miranda, or Jacob, or Thane (spoiler, he dies). But one of the more difficult choices is telling Liara “it’s off because I’m shacked up with Garrus and/or Tali”—at least, that would be one of the more difficult choices.

Fortunately, BioWare lets the romance play out like the ideal version of your big high school break-up. You know, the version you envisioned in your head, where you’re like, “It’s just not working,” and she’s like, “Aw, man, well, OK, let’s still be cool, space-adventurer friends together, OK?” and you’re like, “We’re going to space?” and she’s like, “GET YOUR JETPACK BUDDY,” and then you have second thoughts about breaking up because holy crap, she’s got a jetpack.

What I’m saying is that it’s easy to tell your ME1 crush to take a hike. Then you and your new ME2 crush are good to cruise off into the Reaper-filled sunset.

Ah, but. But! Mass Effect 3 was obviously designed with Liara as the canonical romance choice—you run into her first, and she’s with you the longest, and she has tons of dialog and is one of the more complete bedroom scenes near the end. Sticking with Liara is rewarding, and that’s why she’s always my number-two choice for a second New Game Plus playthrough (plus, if you don’t romance either Tali or Garrus, you get to see them hook up—adorbs!).

But my heart, as always, belongs to Tali or Garrus, depending on whether I’m playing BroShep or FemShep. Perhaps it’s not coincidence that the two picks are also two of the original squadmates in the first game—two fiercely loyal, incredibly likable aliens. (Spellcheck kept suggesting “lickable” there, and I almost left it. But now that I think about it, Mordin does recommend against alien-licking due to the differences in amino acid chirality.)

With Mass Effect: Andromeda currently the big thing, we’re faced with a whole new galaxy of aliens to bang—some familiar, some not. You do have choices this time around—you could possibly get with turian femme Vetra Nyx, or sidle up to Andromeda native Jaal. Or you could be boring and seek out the comfort of your own kind, but come on, man. We didn't travel millions of light years to another galaxy just to have vanilla human-on-human relations. We came out here to go where no one has gone before.

But even with new wonders looming on the horizon, there's no place quite like home. As soon as I’m done with Andromeda, I might have to give the original trilogy one more run.