— “This broadcast is being watched by millions of Americans and around the world, 225 countries that now hate us, and I think that is an amazing thing.”

AD

— “I don’t have to tell anybody the country is divided right now. I’ve been getting a lot of advice of people telling me, ‘You need to say something to unite us.’ Let’s just get something straight off the top — I can’t do that. There’s only one Braveheart in the room, and he’s not going to unite us either, okay? [Camera cuts to Mel Gibson.] Mel, you look great. I think the Scientology is working, I really do.”

— “I’ve known Matt [Damon] for a long time. When I first met Matt, I was the fat one. . . . He handed over what turned out to be an Oscar-caliber role over to his friend, and made a Chinese ponytail movie instead. And that movie went on to lose $80 million. Smooth move, dumbass.”

AD

— “A little movie musical named ‘La La Land’ ties the all-time Oscar record. It was directed by Damien Chazelle, with 14 nominations — one for every year Damien has been alive. Tonight is very important for Damien. If he wins he’ll be able to go to any college he wants, so we wish you the best.”

AD

— “Maybe this is not a popular thing to say, but I want to say thank you to President Trump. Remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist? That’s gone, thanks to him.”

— “The great actress from France, Isabelle Huppert, is with us. Isabelle, as you know, is nominated for her performance in the movie ‘Elle.’ I would like to say, we didn’t see the movie, but I’m glad Homeland Security let you in tonight.”

— “We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood. We don’t discriminate against people based on what countries they come from. We discriminate against them based on their age and weight. Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds . . . for his role in the movie ‘Silence.’ It was an astonishing feat that hasn’t been attempted since every actress in every role ever.”

AD

AD

— “Of all the great actors here in Hollywood, one in particular has stood the test of time for her many uninspired and overrated performances. [The camera cuts to Meryl Streep.] See? That’s what he means. May I say, from her mediocre early work in ‘The Deer Hunter” and ‘Out of Africa’ to her underwhelming performances in ‘Kramer vs. Kramer’ and ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films over the course of her lackluster career. This is Meryl’s 20th Oscar nomination. Made even more amazing, considering the fact that she wasn’t even in a movie this year. We just wrote her name down out of habit. Meryl, stand up, if you would. Everybody, please join me in giving her a totally undeserved round of applause, will you? The highly overrated Meryl Streep, everyone. We’re going to have fun tonight. I hope we’re going to have fun tonight. Nice dress, by the way. Is that an Ivanka?”