What are personal boundaries and what do I mean when I say creating personal boundaries will protect you? Personal boundaries are the force that protects you from being robbed. Robbed of resources, robbed of emotions, robbed of energy, robbed of time, robbed of self esteem, robbed of finances… Each of us has a sort of “Fort Knox” of gold. That gold can be any number of things. Money, knowledge, time, resources, self esteem, connections to others, information… Personal boundaries allow you to properly manage stress.

Inside your personal boundary you have 100% control. Anything outside your personal boundary, you have 0% control over. Other people’s actions are an example of things you have no control over. What you do have control over, is YOUR actions. People who text may be a problem, but their actions are outside of your control. Outside of your personal boundary.

Boundaries consist of what you are responsible for. Your self esteem is an example of something inside your boundary that you are responsible for. Your self esteem is positive emotional energy. How you fill yourself up with self esteem is your primary function.

A child has no self esteem, and no boundaries. A baby’s boundary has lots of holes. This is true for people who are depressed. Depression medication for example doesn’t fix self esteem. It’s not helping you build your boundary. Self esteem has two varieties.

Self esteem = well being

Maternal, and nurturing

Self esteem = confidence

So what is stress? Stress has two types

Hurt + loss

If hurt gets into your boundary, it has a new name. Anger. What has been depleted from you is well being. Stress cancels self esteem.

I want to cite Market~~~cher as an example if I may. Market~~~cher was kind enough to share his story on here about his work. And I want to demonstrate how that affects your personal boundaries. His workplace was a toxic environment. And with time it got “under his skin”. It invaded his personal space. Eventually it affected his self esteem to the point where he was jaded, depressed, and fearful. This stressful, toxic place invaded his boundary, it caused problems where if everyone involved had an understanding of personal boundaries, the escalated incident which culminated in his leaving his place of employment could have altogether been avoided. By standing up for himself, and patching the holes in his boundary, he was ultimately able to free himself from his toxic job.

When you burn your self esteem, you are wasting that energy on things you can’t control. Buddhists call this “suffering”. So what is the solution?

The solution is learning to say “NO!” It’s the most mature thing you can do to a person to say “No!” You can still love them, you can still associate with them. By you telling people no, you’re not only patching your own holes in your boundary and fixing your “thin skin”, you’re also patching that person’s holes in their boundary. Stress directly correlates with declining physical health.

A good example is a segment that Tom Leykis did years ago where he talks about personal boundaries. In that segment he talked about how he has a list of behaviors that when he’s around women, or other people he WILL NOT tolerate. What is he doing? He’s telling those people NO! He’s setting personal boundaries and denying himself unnecessary stress. Which does what? Create hurt, and loss.

When someone misbehaves, or acts aggressively towards you, it’s not their actions that “triggered” you. That person’s actions are outside your boundary. You ALLOWED that behavior into your personal boundary by being REACTIONARY. By being reactionary, you showed them the hole in your boundary. By getting angry and upset, you created your own stress. By allowing that stress to sit in your space, you allowed it to create a condition of hurt and loss. Which in turn affected your self esteem.

If you’ve been through a nasty divorce, or bitter break up, perhaps you can see the relevance here. What do each of those situations have in common with the guys who have come here? That hurt, that loss, which started out as stress, which penetrated your personal boundary, chipped away at your self esteem making you depressed…. And if it sat long enough, it made you suicidal… The key here is properly managing that stress. By building your boundary up, and patching the holes (and by also changing the actions you take in the process) your boundary can work as a means of REPELLING the things outside your control. But the key is not allowing the things outside your control to seep into your space in the first place.