Indoor theme park and perennial May-December date destination Malibu Jack’s moved locations yesterday to be on the hill with its sister park Malibu Jill’s. Unfortunately, Malibu Jack’s came tumbling down after.

Multiple attractions and at least one pimply faced assistant manager were injured.

“I didn’t want to go up the hill in the first place,” said Todd Popper, his Snapchating arm in a sling. “But the CEO thought it would be cute. Now I need to huff this helium even more than ever.” A group of children patiently waited for him to tie one (balloon animal) on. “Wait,” he said, “This just changes your voice. Where’s all the glow paint at?”

Employees scrambled today to get everything back in order after the fall. The mini golf course and the bowling lanes landed on one another. Enterprising golf greenskeeper Carl Spackler came up with a novel solution. “We just invented a new sport. Bowling golf balls. You just roll a golf ball down the lane really, really hard. So far, one person has almost tipped a pin over.”

Forty-two-year-old record store employee and Malibu Jack’s regular Nick Beard said he still supported the business even in its current Humpty Dumpty-like condition. “I’m not about to go to Malibu Jill’s,” he said. “That’s for girls. Now excuse me while I try to grab this plush unicorn.” He spent the next thirty minutes with his arm up the slot of an arcade claw machine.