Most Melburnians are only too happy to rattle off a list of things that make our city great to anyone who’ll listen. You know the drill: the coffee, the food, the sport, the culture, and the frequent – if somewhat shrug-inducing – accolade of “world’s most liveable city”. But scratch beneath the surface of all that boasting and it seems that residents of the Victorian capital have their fair share of grievances as well. We should know – we quizzed some on what they dislike most their neighbourhoods. Forget the “best of” city guide, here’s our run-down of the worst things about 24 Melbourne suburbs, according to the people who live there.

1. Carlton North

“Bike lanes. Okay, admittedly this is both the best and worst thing about the suburb. My driving instructor once said if you can drive around North Carlton/Carlton you can drive anywhere. He was not wrong. The bike lanes and weird streets that end when you don’t want them to are annoying for drivers [especially Uber drivers].”

2. North Melbourne

“North Melbourne is close to the city with great proximity to $3 boreks, but it lacks both the perks of successful gentrification and any real soul. In particular, Errol Street is a cultural and culinary wasteland!”

3. Fitzroy North

“The only supermarket in the suburb is probably the thorn in everyone’s side [unless you’re a wealthy investment banker with lots of time to spend searching for items]. Piedimonte’s has a charming independent grocer vibe, but no matter how many times I go there, I can never remember where things are. Also the Asian food section is disappointing, but what can you expect from an Italian supermarket.”



Errol Street, North Melbourne. Photo: Chris Hopkins

4. Northcote

“Having lived in various parts of Melbourne, the north/south divide seems stronger in the north, with countless people claiming they ‘won’t cross the Yarra’. And, of course, the man buns.”

5. Thornbury

“This is going to be controversial but I’m going to say [food truck park] Welcome to Thornbury. I’ve only been there once, but it seems to attract popped collar types and obnoxious families. If you’re going to spend over $20 eating from a truck you may as well dine at one of the better eateries on High Street.”

6. Brunswick

“Brunswick is a cliché of overpriced organic grocers and “vintage” shops. On the other end of the spectrum, Sydney Road on a Saturday night is a battlefield – good luck walking down the street without being catcalled, but if you opt to take the tram you might see a drunken youth pee into a McFlurry cup [true story].”

7. Coburg

“Coburg is basically where you live when you can’t afford to live in Brunswick. The worst thing I think is the traffic. Coburg is densely populated and the streets are so tiny that half your travel time is just getting out of the knot of Coburg/Brunswick streets [that’s when you’re driving. That’s why everyone rides bikes. I need to start riding a bike].”



Sydney Road, Coburg. Photo: Craig Sillitoe

8. Richmond

“Between the bass from the Corner Hotel, the constant racket of the conveniently frequent trains and the pollution from Hoddle Street, I’m wondering if my cool warehouse apartment was such a good idea. And don’t even get me started on footy season – no parking, yobbos peeing in the laneway below my balcony and the Collingwood theme song ringing out from the ‘G. It’s hell, I tell you.”

9. Hawksburn

“Living in Hawksburn is great until you realise you can’t really afford to live there as you’re not a well-manicured mum who’s happy to drop $4 on an avocado from Toscano’s and then ask the staff to carry your shopping to the Porsche/Audi/BMW.”

10. Prahran

“People who do ‘Chaps laps’. If you weren’t all staring out your car windows at glamour girls and people stumbling out of Revolver, we’d all get where we need to be much quicker.”

11. Windsor

“Fast becoming the south side’s Fitzroy/Brunswick/Collingwood … Rrrreal trendy.”

12. Albert Park

“What I least enjoy about being an Albert Park resident is the lack of diversity you experience here. The kinds of people who live and visit the restaurants, cafes and boutiques, they’re all somewhat same-same [albeit flawless, considered]. When you compare it to somewhere like Fitzroy, you can’t help but feel you’re missing a little variety!”

Houses along St Vincents Place, Albert Park. Photo: Josh Robenstone

13. St Kilda

“I hate that I arrive home every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night to a random, drunken male patron of one of the nearby bars pissing on my front gate.”

14. Balaclava

“The worst thing is knowing the beach is a walk away but you have to go to work.”

15. Elsternwick

“The Coles supermarket on Glenhuntly Road is a chaotic vortex, sucking all life, street frontage and car park spaces into its maw. The drivers are fairly rubbish too.”

16. Brighton

“It’s so boring. The only source of entertainment you ever have is watching rich people struggle to manoeuvre their BMW X5s in and out of tight parking spaces on Bay Street.”

17. Hampton

“If you want to shop at the local greengrocer, then you’ll be spending a small fortune, especially compared to inner-city markets like South Melbourne or Prahran. Also, the sense of entitlement is strong here – just see how often drivers on Hampton Street make illegal u-turns or choose not to indicate.”

18. Mentone

“The lack of good restaurants and music venues makes you feel the staid vanilla essence of suburbia.”



A city view from Williamstown. Photo: Wayne Taylor

19. Williamstown

“We lost all our friends when we moved to Williamstown, the bridge is just too big a mental barrier. Never mind it’s only nine kilometres from the CBD and has its own beach.”

20. Footscray

“Enticing north and south side friends to the west can be a hard sell, the restaurants pour food waste into gutters so sometimes it smells a little funky, and it’s so cheap you’ll be complaining about inflation every time you leave your postcode. However, by far the most annoying thing about living in Footscray is constantly being asked whether it’s “dangerous”, which is basically code for full of young black youths and based on gross prejudices.”

21. Essendon

“Everyone knows each other. You can’t go anywhere in the area without running into someone you know. This is most likely because Essendonians are loyalists who rarely leave the suburb. Particularly during the week, people are happy to settle with local cafes, restaurants and shops rather than venturing outside the zone.”

22. Malvern

“I don’t understand how Malvern earned its reputation as a prestigious suburb. It’s safe and basic, and isolated from any sort of cultural attraction.”

23. North Balwyn

“It should be ‘North Boring’. There’s very few established trees, lots of bitumen, and heaps of ugly houses that cost millions of dollars.”

24. Camberwell

“Camberwell, beautiful and leafy. It also happens to be the suburb that publicans forgot. If it were a ride at Movie World, you’d have to be over 40 to ride.”



Houses along Broadway, Camberwell. Photo: Arsineh Houspian