Hit me up, fam (Picture: Charlotte Cockell for Metro.co.uk )

Are you a failed musician grasping for meaning in an unjust universe? Are mouthy grandmas on the bus grinding your gears? Are you too ogreish for Tinder?

Metro’s resident agony uncle Andy is here for you, man.

If only to extract some cheap laughs at your expense.

How I Do It: Meet the mum-of-two who has sex all day, every day

It’s kind of his thing.


Fair warning – he’s not a chap mince his words.

So, if you want the lowdown on low-key substance abuse, getting back with your ex or the etiquette of free nosh, drop a line to the be-quiffed quillsman – Andy Hill.

Dear Andy, Since the election was announced I’ve realised I don’t identify with any of the main political parties. My Facebook feed is divided roughly equally between selfish pricks who want to hoard their money at the expense of the needy, and naive hippies who don’t understand basic human nature. I could vote Lib Dem, but prefer to think I’m the sort of person who actually believes in things. Who should I go for? ProfSake86

Yay democracy (Picture: Getty)

Hello ProfSake86

I feel you, brah.



In general I’m keen on the old Churchill aphorism: If you’re not a lefty at 25 you have no heart; if you’re not a conservative at 35 you have no brain.

But he was a bloated old souse, born in 1874 for Christ’s sake, so let’s park him for a moment.

Instead, let’s examine your social media feed.

The right-wingers thereon are likely fall into two camps.

Around a quarter are ignorant, Trump-loving mouth breathers who don’t have much to live for, can’t comprehend the issues, and just want to watch the world burn.

Literally in charge right now (Picture: Getty)

But some, the majority indeed, are a bit more switched on.

Their ‘right-wing’ views are instead based on the (perfectly legit) philosophical standpoint that human beings only really thrive in a competitive marketplace and that by funding, say, pensions or housing benefit the state is doing its citizens a disservice.

Much as a mother who still breastfeeds her 40-year-old son is wilfully, nay callously, truncating his potential.

They genuinely believe that.

Lefties are a little harder to caricature, in general, because they’re more thoughtful, or at least better read (the two are absolutely not the same thing).

They’re optimistic about society’s willingness to pitch in when it comes to addressing common problems, and believe that massive inequalities in wealth are at the root of most problems.

Though saying that, they’re just as likely as right-wingers to sidestep chuggers or send their kid to a posh school given half a chance.

So what do you actually believe in?

That human beings, like mosquitos or herpes, are bound by eons of evolution to act in their own self-interest, and that our governing philosophy would be naive to go against the grain of nature itself?

Or, that the only feasible way for mankind to progress is to take care of those less fortunate, lest civilisation collapse violently in upon itself like the proverbial house of cards?

It’s Corbyn, innit.

Andy

Got a question for Andy? Got a burning question you think Andy might be able to answer? Comment below and let us know or email hey@metro.co.uk You can also find Andy on Twitter and Facebook

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