I was out yesterday with some people, and one of the girls I know was trying to setup her friend with another guy friend of hers. So there was some anticipation about this and I was curious as to how this would turn out. The guy waited anxiously for the girl to arrive and meet the group.

Men are their own worst enemy. I watch as many guys literally just blow themselves up for no reason. They have a legitimate shot at a girl (getting a reference from another girl is awesome), and they tank themselves, going down hard in flames. If they would just show some display of social awareness and intuition, they would be fine. Instead they act super weird and turn the girl off immediately. When it’s all over and the guy realizes he blew it, he blames pointless stuff. “The girl was a total bitch.” “Slut”. “She was ugly anyway.” — any number of bullshit excuses to make themselves feel better and save face.

That’s what happened here.

The girl arrives. Cute, no doubt. The guy introduces himself, all fine. They speak for a while, and I was off in another little group. We made eye contact for a second, and I knew I would get a chance to meet her later. I’m a patient guy. There’s no rush here. She’s a regular girl, like every girl on this planet and I don’t need to go out of my way to meet this one in particular right away.

People shift around and this girl and I meet. I introduce myself and I knew in that instant this girl was into me. She was very “handsy” and within seconds she grabs my shirt at my chest a little bit and pulls me away from the group a few feet to talk privately. This is atypical, I assure you, but everyone was drunk, except for me since I don’t drink alcohol. Anyway, you can tell there was instant attraction between us. The guy whom she was originally there to be “paired” up with saw this. He was doing fine. Yeah, this girl was attracted to me, but that does not mean you lose. People can be attracted to multiple people in the same environment. This guy, testosterone fueled, clearly wasn’t thinking on this level and decided to blow himself up.

The night went on and I witnessed the self destruction as it happened. First things first, this guy had no concept of personal space. It’s as if he read a paragraph on “kino” and completely misunderstood the point. It was painful to watch. Example: whenever he was talking to this girl, he had his arm around her shoulders. He always had a hand on her uninvited. At one point he was talking to her face to face and he literally had one hand on her shoulder while talking. Imagine talking to someone face to face and they just had a hand on your shoulder. Normal conversation? No, it’s weird. It’s like they are trying to prevent you from going somewhere else. Trapping you in. It makes people feel very uncomfortable. This guy’s hands are all over the place. He gets up really close. Always patting people on the back. Always grabbing at people. This girl, I felt so bad for her, had to grab his hand and peel it off her shoulder. He was oblivious to it all though. It reminds me of the summary from chapter 9 in The Definitive Book of Body Language.

Others will invite you or reject you, depending on the respect that you have for their Personal Space. This is why the happy-go-lucky person who slaps everyone he meets on the back or continually touches people during a conversation is secretly disliked by everyone. Many factors can affect the spatial distance a person takes in relation to others, so it’s wise to consider every criterion before making a judgement about why a person is keeping a certain distance.

This doesn’t mean to never touch. Touch, or “kino”, is crucial if you want to escalate and make out with a girl. But you have to be mindful of people’s personal space and they need to be comfortable being around you. That’s why you start off with a handshake. Quick touch of an elbow. If she is receptive, flirting, and touching you back, you have green light to keep going. Grab her hand and lead her somewhere else. Move into her personal zone. If she lets you stay there, you can go further. Hand on waist. If she’s cool with that, you can make out with her.

It’s all about social awareness and respecting people’s space. One step at a time. Don’t just go in and invade everyone’s space. People will not like you. Being able to read people’s body language is paramount here.

The night goes on and this girl is clearly turned way off by this guy. He’s starting to see this and it only gets worse. He starts ragging on himself about how he can’t get girls or what not. Then he proceeds to ask her out straight there, “Will you go on a date with me this weekend? No? How about next weekend? Weekend after that? Any weekend upcoming?” Beyond brutal to watch. The girl felt so uncomfortable. This guy went down hard. He lost it.

She kept on getting closer to me and touching me. She began leaning on me a bit while the group was talking. Now I’ve noticed this before in guys and I’m not even sure if these men do this consciously or not. But I’m super intrigued by it. He saw this and literally walked from the other part of the group — stepped in between us — and put his arm around this girl. I’ve seen things similar to this happen in other fashions. I actually believe it’s a subconscious male behavior to try and AMOG others when they feel they are “losing” the fight. They don’t even realize that they are doing it. It’s a move of desperation and the girls can sense it. It’s the mark of a failed man. I found the whole thing fascinating.

This speaks to another reason why people don’t like you. Do not put yourself down. Do not use self deprecating humor. I used to do it all the time, and looking back on it, it was a definite reason why I lacked success with women. Self deprecating humor is funny, but it should be left to the comedy stages — not talking with women. When you do it in a social setting, women will see it as a self defense mechanism for a man of low confidence. Which it totally is. I never put myself down in front of others. Be cocky-funny.

So these are two main things that I think a lot of men need to work on. Being socially intuitive about other people’s personal space, and not putting themselves down in front others. If you find yourself doing either of these, or both. Focus on adjusting your behavior and seeing how people relate to you going forward.