I’ve been seeing discussion recently about the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” It’s unsurprising, what with (a) it being the winter holiday season, and (b) there being a lot of discussion of rape culture. Yes, the song is troubling at best and rapey at worst (more on that after the video). And I don’t care that Lady Gaga and Joseph Gordon-Levitt reversed the gender roles: men deserve to have their sexual boundaries respected just as much as women, ignoring boundaries and treating it like a flirtatious game is fucked-up no matter what the genders are. But the main thing I want to say right now is this:

Have you heard the consensual version?

There’s a really cute, sweet, funny parody version of the song on YouTube by Chase Gregory, titled “Baby It’s Consensual Outside,” in which the guy respects the woman’s boundaries. I thought some of you might enjoy it.

I’ve transcribed the lyrics, for the deaf and hard of hearing (below the jump).

BABY, IT’S CONSENSUAL OUTSIDE

by Chase Gregory

I really can’t stay

Baby it’s cold outside

I’ve got to go ‘way

Remember, it’s cold outside

This evening has been

Thanks, baby, for stopping in

So very nice

Was wonderful, to be precise

My mother will start to worry

Oh, then you’d better hurry

My father will be pacing the floor

Let me walk you out to the door

So really, I’d better scurry

That’s okay, please don’t worry

Well, maybe just a half a drink more

Only if you’re really quite sure

The neighbors might think

Baby, it’s bad out there

Say, what’s in this drink?

I’ll pay for your taxi fare

I wish I knew how

Your eyes are like starlight now

To break the spell

And here’s your hat, your hair looks swell

I ought to say no, no, no sir

Say it, we’ll end up closer

At least I’m gonna say that I tried

It’s okay, I’ll take it in stride

I really can’t stay

Baby I’ll hold out

And it’s cold outside/and it’s cold outside

I simply must go

Baby, it’s cold outside

The answer is no

Oh good, I think that’s your ride

This welcome has been

I’m lucky that you dropped in

So nice and warm

Look out the window at that storm

My sister will be suspicious

Don’t want to seem malicious

My brother will be there at the door

Waiting for the girl I adore

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious

Man, this feels repetitious

Well, maybe just a half a drink more

Say “when,” so I know what to pour

I’ve got to go home

Baby, don’t freeze out there

Say, lend me your comb

It’s up to your knees out there

You’ve really been grand

I totally understand

But don’t you see

I know it isn’t up to me

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow

Here’s some gloves you can borrow

At least there will be plenty implied

It’s not really mine to decide

I really can’t stay

I trust you, there’s no doubt [may be mangling the transcription of this line a bit – GC]

And it’s cold outside/and it’s cold outside

*****

So. About the rapeyness.

In response to the commonly-voiced objection that the woman in the song doesn’t really mean No, that she wants to say Yes but is worried about social disapproval (voiced here in these comments as well as many other places), I have this to say:

1: When women want to say say No (or indeed are saying No and aren’t having it accepted or listened to), they often place the blame on others. We’ve been socialized to think that saying No to what other people want is rude and mean and selfish — so we place the blame for the No on others. “I’d love to stay at the party, but I have work tomorrow.” Etc. As A. Noyd said, “If a guy is pressuring a woman for sex/companionship and she doesn’t want to stay with him, she often has to bring up other reasons, such as disapproval from family members making her life difficult, when her wishes alone aren’t being listened to.”

2: It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what the reasons for her objections are. No means no. If she were saying No because she thinks sex will make her nose turn blue or that space aliens will invade if she says Yes — she’s still saying No. Over and over and over again.

3a: Yes, there probably are some women — and some men — who say No as part of a flirtatious game, to get their pursuers to pursue them. That is also part of rape culture. The idea that you really know someone wants you when they ignore your boundaries and keep pushing past your objections — this is also part of rape culture. (It’s also really sex-negative, reinforcing the idea that it’s bad and wrong to enthusiastically say Yes to sex when you want it.) I don’t like it when pop culture encourages, celebrates, and reinforces this idea.

3b: When pop culture reinforces the idea that ignoring boundaries is part of a flirtatious game, it doesn’t just encourage the recipients of attention to say No when they really mean Yes, and to think that if someone takes No for an answer it means they really don’t like them. It encourages pursuers to think that No means Yes, or that it means Maybe, or that it means “I want you to keep trying.” And that makes them more likely to push past someone else’s boundaries.

I’m just sayin’, is all.

Greta Christina’s books, Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why and Why Are You Atheists So Angry? 99 Things That Piss Off the Godless, are available in print, ebook, and audiobook. Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More is available in ebook and audiobook.