VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly spending his 50th year in a row on the moon Friday trying to warn Earth of the imposter who had taken his place. “Come on, I’m right here, dammit,” shouted the actual 89-year-old astronaut who had been stranded on the lunar surface during the Apollo 11 mission after being replaced by a shape-shifting extraterrestrial who had usurped his life on Earth. “The man you know as Buzz Aldrin isn’t me, it’s some goddamn alien scum. Hasn’t anyone noticed, after all this time? You fools, you’re in danger! Please! Someone! Anyone! I’m right up here!” At press time, Aldrin was reportedly cursing himself once again for having slept through the entirety of the Apollo 12 and Apollo 14 moon missions.

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