"You don't understand that every hollow victory by the Patriots just exacerbates my enveloping depression concerning the Revolution," stated Kraft to the room full of journalists. "Sure I can win in the NFL, but anyone can do that. Meanwhile, I've failed demonstrably to build a winner in soccer despite my worst efforts."

Kraft reportedly left the Super Bowl victory immediately after the trophy presentation to sit in a darkened suite at NRG Stadium and watch a replay of the three straight finals that his beloved Revolution "Buffalo Bill'd" back in the early 2000's.

"I breathe Revolution football. I live Revolution football. It's all I can understand. I kick every ball with Lee Nguyen. I chase every header with Kei Kamara. I make every turn with Gershon Koffie... wait... he is still on the team, right? The Patriots are the placeholder that give light to my love of the Revolution and every failure that breaks the heart of our fans is a dagger at my own heart and hurts my pride."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dejected Kraft reviews the 2014 final while photoshopping a new Revolution logo and calling about how the new stadium permitting is going in downtown Boston.