I wake up to the sound of my alarm. Would you call it ‘waking me up’ if I hadn’t really been asleep? Let me start over..

I lay in bed staring at Brayton asleep next to me until my alarm sounds and I know that it is time to get ready. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and shake the morning grogginess from my body. I will the tears stinging the back of my eyes to remain just that; stinging my eyes and not falling down my cheeks. Despite the crappy circumstance that forced Brayton to jump on a plane and fly home with little to no notice, it was nice to have him here. Nice. Enjoyable, pleasant, good, satisfying. I’m not sure that the word nice does him being here, in my arms, justice. But it will have to do for now, because to say that it was perfect feels insensitive to me, being that the whole reason he was home in the first place was because of the loss of a family member that we all hold dearly to our hearts.

I run to the bathroom to brush my teeth and straighten my hair. I throw on my orange long sleeved shirt with the Texas Longhorn on the top, and below it says FOR LIFE. If it weren’t for the fact that I had to play in one game tonight, and cheer for another one, I would be riding with Brayton to Little Rock to drop him off at the airport. But instead, I must say goodbye this morning before I head to school. Goodbye, or see you later, never gets easier. It is a familiar feeling for me. This whole day is familiar. It’s a day of sadness, and trying to get back into the routine of text messages and Couple-ing. But I have to be strong, because I know how much he hates to see me cry.

When I’m finally ready I make my way back to his room. The light is on, and he is getting dressed. When I walk through the door he looks at me, and I know that he is thinking the same thing that I am. That he wishes he could stay here forever.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror by the bed, and to say the least I’m a wreck, my hair is staticy beyond repair, so I stand in the mirror and use the tie on my wrist to throw it up. Brayton comes up behind me and runs his hands down my sides. He kisses my neck, and once again the tears sting my eyes. I force myself to pull it together as he turns me to face him. He pulls me into his arms and whispers that he’s sorry he has to leave again. I lay my head into the perfect spot on his chest and say, “please don’t go.” But I kick myself as I do. Do I really think that if he could stay he would be leaving? Do I really think that if he had a choice he would choose North Carolina instead of Arkansas with me? He doesn’t seem to notice the ignorance of the question because instead he just answers, “You know I would if I could.”

And we stand there, just like that, until it is time for me to head to school, and him and his parents to head to Little Rock. Together we head out of the house and into the front yard. Brayton helps me put my bags in my little Dodge Neon, then throws his bags into his dad’s truck. I can’t help myself anymore and let the tears stain my cheeks. Brayton wraps me up in his arms for the last time in who knows how long and I sink into his embrace. Considering that his Dad and Step mom were already in the truck I knew that I didn’t have much time. He tells me he loves me, and of course I say it back. I let him kiss my forehead, then my lips, and I pull away from his arms. I jump into my car before I can change my own mind, and turn the key. As I pull out of the driveway and onto the dirt road, I allow myself to turn around only once. He winks at me from the passenger seat of his Dad’s truck. I force a smile on my face and continue down the road.

Once I am sure that he is out of site I let the tears fall, and hard. They fall and don’t stop falling. And when they begin to blur the road in front of me, I pull over and let them come. I give myself five minutes to compose myself, and continue on to school. I don’t remember how I got there, but next thing that I know I am pulling into spot number 10 in the high school parking lot. I lock my car and walk down the hallway to the classroom with which I know my sister will be waiting for me. As I push the door open, she greets me with a hug.

The rest of the day is a long one, but I stay strong. I sit in class most of the door and wait for the text that means Brayton made it to the airport, and another time when he makes it to North Carolina. The game doesn’t come soon enough, but when it does I know that we are back to the regular routine of our relationship. When I look into the stands, he is not sitting watching me play, or dance, so I pick a spot on the wall behind them and focus on that. I remain strong the entire day because I know that Brayton wouldn’t want me to be sad while he is gone. When I get home I go straight to bed, I don’t want to talk to anyone, or do anything, except for sleep.

I wake up the next morning to a familiar text message. “Good morning beautiful. I love you.” And once again, the distance consumes us…