Prince Charming, from “Cinderella”

Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

When the king throws a ball to gather all the eligible maidens in the land, Prince Charming is, like, “Uh, a ball full of maidens? That’s really demeaning to women.” The prince starts a #BallsFullOfMaidens hashtag, for women to share their stories about being seen as only wives or girlfriends. It goes viral, and, without consulting any of the maidens, Prince Charming signs a seven-figure “Balls Full of Maidens” book deal. He later marries Cinderella because it makes him look like he has socialist bona fides, even though Cinderella technically comes from money.

Prince Phillip, from “Sleeping Beauty”

Prince Phillip would never touch a woman without her consent. He knows that a woman in a magically induced coma cannot consent, even if she was flirting with him in the woods earlier, and even if they have been betrothed since birth. (He feels weird about the betrothed-since-birth thing, but doesn’t want to confront his conservative family about it, because it makes him uncomfortable.) Prince Phillip is horrified to hear that there are men in the kingdom who do not wait for a woman’s consent, and he issues a proclamation asking women to relive their traumas on social media, for the sake of “awareness.” He doesn’t talk to any of his bros about it because he knows that they are good dudes.

Prince Eric, from “The Little Mermaid”

Prince Eric is extremely committed to female equality in his kingdom. He has so much to tell Ariel about the plight and oppression of women that he fails to notice that she doesn’t have a voice.

Prince Adam, from “Beauty and the Beast”

Prince Adam is fine with having been turned into a beast by an enchantress. No, seriously, he knows he deserved it. He spends a lot of time worrying that he is one of the “bad” men. He keeps Belle at his house so that whenever this anxiety overwhelms him he can ask her, over and over, if he is a misogynist. Is he holding Belle hostage? I mean . . . maybe, technically? But he’s doing this for her, and for all women! He’s just trying to be a good guy, and that’s worth her not having any agency to pursue her own interests. Which are what, exactly? Oh, reading? The Beast gave Belle a whole library that she can use whenever he doesn’t need her to perform emotional labor. Every single book in it is by Don DeLillo.

Aladdin, from “Aladdin”

Aladdin uses all three wishes on lapel pins that say “Male Feminist.”

Captain John Smith, from “Pocahontas”

When the Virginia Company asks John Smith to go to America to steal land and gold from Native Americans, he declines. Also, he’s really into giving women foot rubs.

Li Shang, from “Mulan”

After it has been revealed, in the final fight scene, that Mulan is a woman, Li stands to the side while she battles to save his life, telling her, “It is so cool that you don’t wear makeup. Honestly? I prefer women who don’t wear makeup. Maybe that makes me a weird dude. But I just, like, don’t need a woman to pour time and resources into fitting a punitive, entirely fabricated standard of beauty for me to think she’s hot. I guess what I’m saying is I think you’re hot. Anyway, nice sword moves. You’re not like other girls; you can really hang.”

Prince Naveen, from “The Princess and the Frog”

Literally just treats women like human beings. ♦