by Mike Julianelle

INT. KITCHEN — — MORNING

A man in a familiar red and blue suit, complete with cape, is sitting at the kitchen table. The room is spare, with a window next to the table, looking out into a large city on a beautiful day. There is a refrigerator across the room on the right of the table, and a doorway leading into the rest of the apartment next to the fridge. The caped man is holding a spoon and staring, forlorn, into a bowl of cereal.

Another man, this one in a dark suit, complete with a cowl, bat ears, and a cape of his own, enters the room and stands across the table, staring at his friend.

BATMAN

What are you doing?

SUPERMAN

(without looking up from his breakfast)

My Rice Krispies aren’t snapping.

(beat)

Or crackling.

(beat)

Or popping.

BATMAN leans forward and peers into the bowl.

BATMAN

Those are Cheerios.

SUPERMAN narrows his eyes and looks into his bowl.

SUPERMAN

Oh.

BATMAN

(sighs)

What’s up with you, man?

SUPERMAN doesn’t respond. He merely picks up his spoon and dips it into the bowl. But he doesn’t eat; he just swirls the Cheerios around.

BATMAN

(pointing out the window)

It’s gorgeous out there. A great day to fly.

(cups his ear towards the window)

Listen! You can almost hear the criminals begging to be caught. Come on, I’ll race you. Just give me five minutes to get to my car.

SUPERMAN remains unmoved. And un-moving.

SUPERMAN

There’s no crime out there.

BATMAN

Are you serious? There’s always crime! And even if there isn’t, there’s not a cloud in the sky today! What I wouldn’t give to be able to fly around in this weather! In any weather!

SUPERMAN finally turns his head and takes a cursory glance out the window.

SUPERMAN

Yeah, great, it’s sunny.

(looks back at his Cheerios)

Global warming.

BATMAN

(totally frustrated)

Global warming? Jesus Christ.

(shakes head)

Fine, maybe it is global warming. So you know what? Go do something about it! Go freeze the ice caps or move the planet or something, dude.

SUPERMAN looks at BATMAN with disdain.

SUPERMAN

I’m forbidden to interfere. Don’t you get it? Nothing I do matters and anything that matters I can’t do!

BATMAN

Forbidden my ass. If Lois is in danger you’ll eat the fucking sun to save her, but suddenly you’re ‘forbidden to interfere?’ Convenient.

BATMAN pulls out a chair and sits across from his friend. He decides to try a different strategy.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

(compassionate)

Look, Supes, you’ve got to snap out of this.

SUPERMAN

Why? What does it matter?

BATMAN

What does it matter? Shit, I can’t handle all this city’s crime by myself. And, frankly? I miss the competition. Yeah, it’s not much of one, I’m only human and all, but still…it’s fun racing around trying to beat a speeding bullet.

SUPERMAN is still completely expressionless. BATMAN grows more frustrated. Appealing to SUPERMAN’s competitiveness usually did the trick. BATMAN stares at him in silence for nearly 30 seconds.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Christ. I thought I was supposed to be the brooding one.

BATMAN walks to the fridge and grabs a beer.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

It’s what -

(looks at Batwatch)

10:15 in the morning? And you’re already driving me to drink with this self-pity horseshit.

BATMAN takes his Batbottle-opener off his Batbelt to crack his (home-brewed) Batbeer, takes a swig and walks back to the table.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

You want one?

No response. BATMAN is about to lose it.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Come on! If you’re giving up you might as well go all out!

He tosses SUPERMAN a beer. The Man of Steel just lets it shatter against his shoulder. He doesn’t even flinch. (Obviously.)

BATMAN finally snaps. He swats the cereal bowl away from SUPERMAN and onto the floor, and forcefully spins the chair so they are facing each other. BATMAN gives his friend a once-over. He can’t believe what he sees.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Look at you, man. You haven’t even done your hair!

SUPERMAN’s hair is straggly and unkempt, and noticeably lacking the trademark ‘S’ on his forehead.

SUPERMAN

(staring defiantly at his friend)

Fuck my hair.

BATMAN sighs loudly.

BATMAN

(appalled)

‘Fuck my hair?’ You love your goddamn hair, you super pussy!

BATMAN tilts his head back and chugs the remainder of his beer. He heads to the fridge to grab another. This finally gets SUPERMAN’s attention.

SUPERMAN

Hey! I thought you said it was only 10:15.

BATMAN

Well hell, Big Blue, if you’re gonna be swearing, then I’m gonna be drinking!

BATMAN tilts his head back and chugs. When he’s finished, he stares his roommate down. SUPERMAN finally stands up.

SUPERMAN

Fine, Bruce. FINE. You win. I’ll take a shower.

SUPERMAN leaves the room. BATMAN stands there with the door to the fridge open. He looks in and considers. Finally, he sighs and grabs another beer.

BATMAN

Why not?

BATMAN starts drinking the beer, when suddenly there’s a buzzing sound and the kitchen lights flicker and fade. He puts his beer down and runs out of the room, in SUPERMAN’s direction.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM — CONTINUOUS

BATMAN bursts in to find SUPERMAN sitting in the tub, still in his suit. There is a power cord connected to the wall. BATMAN grabs the cord and pulls it from the outlet. Then he gently tugs on the cord until he pulls a soaked hair dryer from the bottom of the bathtub.

BATMAN

(glaring at SUPERMAN)

What the fuck?!

SUPERMAN

(avoiding eye contact)

What? I was doing my precious hair. That’s what you wanted, right?

BATMAN continues glaring.

SUPERMAN

Fine, Bruce, FINE!

(slams his arms down into the water, splashing BATMAN)

You really wanna know what I was doing? I was trying to electrocute myself. OKAY? HAPPY?

BATMAN

You tried to electrocute yourself? You’re SUPERMAN, you asshole!

SUPERMAN

Don’t remind me.

BATMAN

(something occurs to him)

How many times have you tried this?

SUPERMAN

What, electrocuting myself? Or suicide in general?

BATMAN

Suicide in general? What the fu —

BATMAN stops himself and abruptly turns to leave.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Hold on a second.

BATMAN exits the bathroom. A few moments pass. SUPERMAN sits motionless in the tub. BATMAN returns, half-finished beer in hand.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Go ahead. How many times have you tried ‘suicide in general,’ you incredible douchebag?

SUPERMAN

(looking up as he thinks)

Um…let’s see…

(counting with his fingers)

Five. No… six, including the hair dryer.

BATMAN

How?

SUPERMAN

A bunch of ways.

CUT TO:

QUICK SHOT — — DAY

SUPERMAN is sitting on the floor, totally dejected. He’s surrounded by pieces of plaster, wood, and various debris. There is a noose around his neck, totally slack, the rope on the floor behind him, attached to a fallen, splintered beam.

CUT TO:

QUICK SHOT — — NIGHT

SUPERMAN is lying on his back in a supermarket store aisle. He is surrounded by dozens of empty bottles. A quick pan shows us: DRANO, LIQUID CLEANER, TIDE, ANTIFREEZE. Their caps litter the floor. He hasn’t so much as vomited. Or burped.

CUT TO:

QUICK SHOT — — MORNING

SUPERMAN is standing atop a skyscraper. He shuts his eyes and steps forward. After a few seconds he opens his eyes. He has not plummeted to the street below; he is floating. He curses.

CUT TO:

QUICK SHOT — — EVENING

SUPERMAN is inside a car, inside a garage. All possible ventilation — windows, doors, vents, etc. — is sealed. The garage is filling with smoke. SUPERMAN is completely nonplussed. Suddenly, the connecting door to the house opens and BATMAN walks into the garage. He is about to approach the car when he inhales the smoke and immediately starts coughing until he collapses. SUPERMAN sighs and opens the car door. It is revealed to be the BATMOBILE.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM — — PRESENT

BATMAN is confused.

BATMAN

How the hell did I forget that?

SUPERMAN

(sheepishly)

Oh, yeah… I knew you’d be a pain about it, so I had to give you the amnesia kiss. Sorry.

BATMAN

(bug-eyed)

The amnesia kiss?

BATMAN wipes his mouth in disgust and quickly sips his beer.

BATMAN

So, is that it?

SUPERMAN

Um…

CUT TO:

QUICK SHOT — — DAY

SUPERMAN is sitting on a sofa. He lifts a shotgun and places it in his mouth. He hesitates a moment and fires. The sound is muffled. A few moments pass and he disgustedly spits out what remains of the slugs. He drops the shotgun to the floor and starts sobbing.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM — — PRESENT

BATMAN is seated on the toilet, cradling his beer. SUPERMAN remains in the tub, looking sheepish. BATMAN no longer looks angry. He just looks tired.

BATMAN

(shaking head in dismay)

Supes, man. What the hell is going on?

SUPERMAN looks down and shakes his head.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

This is about Diana, isn’t it?

No response.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Fucking A, dude. Her jet is INVISIBLE. It wasn’t your fault!

SUPERMAN starts to talk. BATMAN cuts him off.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

No. I’m sick of this. You have to get over it. She was a grown woman — despite her ridiculous wardrobe.

Batman pauses and stares at Superman, daring him to say something about the Batsuit. Superman stares back, just long enough for us to suspect he might respond. And then he looks away.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

She wore a tiara, dude.

SUPERMAN shrugs.

SUPERMAN

I liked it.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

(rolls his eyes)

Yeah, you would.

(beat)

Whatever. The point is: she knew the risks that came with being Wonder Woman. She knew the risks involved in flying around in a fucking transparent plane. LET. IT. GO. Do you have any idea how many Robins I’ve “accidentally” —

(makes air quotes)

— killed? We’re superheroes. There are stakes. Diana knew that. She was okay with it. It wasn’t your fault. She had a good run.

SUPERMAN sits back.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Don’t worry. I’m not going to hug you.

SUPERMAN relaxes.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Get over it, bro. And stop these pathetic, completely ridiculous, TOTALLY POINTLESS attempts at killing yourself. I mean, you haven’t even tried Kryptonite!

SUPERMAN’s eyes go wide at the mention of Kryptonite.

BATMAN

(shakes head and looks up at the ceiling)

Christ. First time that crossed your mind, genius?

SUPERMAN stands up and steps out of the water. His drenched cape lingers behind him in the tub.

BATMAN

Come on. You don’t even know where any is. Besides, you couldn’t even get within five feet of that rock without shitting yourself.

(sighs)

You know what? Fuck it.

BATMAN stands up.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

I heard a rumor. I may know where Luthor stashed some green rocks. Let me grab a cooler for the rest of these beers and we can go on a treasure hunt. At least it’ll get you out of the house.

BATMAN leaves the bathroom as SUPERMAN starts drying himself off, showing more energy than he has all morning.

BATMAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

You’d just better hope Gordon doesn’t shine that freaking signal anytime soon. I’m working on a pretty solid Batbuzz right now.

THE END