Did you know that it is against the law to pump your own gas in Oregon? For those who live in the Peoples Republic of Oregon, we have to suffer the indignity of being treated like absolute mental incompetents every time we need to fuel up our automobiles. This "no-self-serve" law was passed in 1951 and should have been repealed long ago.

Although there are many lame excuses as to why this law is still in force, anyone with half-a-brain understands that it is a make-work law forcing gas station owners to hire the barely-employable or those who are just breaking into the work force. And these pump-jockeys, as far as Oregon’s lawmakers are concerned, keep us idiot-citizens from harming ourselves, others, and mother nature herself. Indeed, you may detect a bit of an edge to this essay and I’ll explain why soon. However, my primary objective is to propose dozens of new laws — which are currently in force within various locales in the United States — that will transform the State of Oregon into a paradise for Boobus Americanus. For Oregonians, as reflected in this state’s left-wing voting pattern, yearn for assistance, guidance, and prodding from our beloved nanny-state.

In 1951, when the Oregon legislature made it illegal to pump gasoline into one’s own automobile, it was believed that foolish individuals would mishandle gasoline and cause severe accidents — at least that’s the story Oregon legislators fed to the public back then. Over the years, it has become clear that this fear was misplaced as people the world over have managed to fuel up their own automobiles without incinerating themselves or their cars — to be sure, a one-in-a-billion accident occurs now and then, but nothing in life is absolutely safe. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Oregon’s state officials continue to back the self-serve ban for baseless reasons (shown below) that reveal the intellectual horsepower of these do-gooder fascists:

Oregon’s Department of Environmental Quality supports the ban on self-service gasoline due to inexperienced pumpers being a significant source of groundwater and air pollution.

Oregon’s state fire marshall supports the ban on self-service gasoline due to the possibility of having one incinerate himself, his car, and/or others.

Law enforcement officials support the law as it prevents gasoline thefts called "drive-offs."

In states besides Oregon and New Jersey (which also has a no-self-serve law), many gas station owners ignore the requirements outlined in the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) as they do not provide a full-service option for disabled drivers, nor provide those services at self-service rates. Hence, disabled drivers in Oregon benefit from the self-serve ban.

It is a wonder that airplane travel hasn’t been banned in Oregon. Just think of it, worldwide more people are killed each year in airplane crashes than in self-service gas station mishaps. When a plane crashes, a forest fire may ensue — thereby killing hundreds of innocent trees. To make things worse, a plane that crashes may leak fuel and pollute the ground water…and don’t get me started on airplane exhaust emissions with all that flying around and spreading of greenhouse gases. Additionally, when was the last time you saw a pilot in a wheelchair or with a white cane? Airplane cockpits, obviously, haven’t yet been made ADA compliant. Yes, the time has come to ban airplane travel in Oregon for it is much too dangerous and unfair to the differently-abled.

You may ask what got me started on this rant. During one of my recent trips to a gas station, the pump-jockey was a bit overwhelmed by the fact that six cars arrived at nearly the same time seeking to purchase fuel. This well-tattooed, pierced, pasty-skinned, and emaciated attendant (all the hallmarks of a meth addict) was hustling around attempting to service each car as rapidly as possible. In this man’s haste, he failed to securely close my SUV’s gas cap once my gas tank had been filled. This may not sound like a big deal, but it was.

After a few days of regular commuting, something happened that caused my heart to race, my palms to sweat, and my head to swim. As I was driving home from work, the SERVICE ENGINE SOON malfunction-indicator light flashed on and stayed on. The first thought that came to mind was to pull over and look under the hood. However, the word SOON comforted me enough to finish my commute home — where I would immediately seek information in my SUV’s owner’s manual. All the while, I am worried that a huge auto repair bill is looming in the near future. To say the least, I was not in a happy state of mind.

As I read about the aforementioned malfunction indicator, I was pleased to read the following passage: "Although your vehicle will usually be drivable and not need towing, have the system checked as soon as possible." Thus, I drove home safely. As I continued reading, unfortunately, my concern grew deeper. Then I reached the last paragraph and made a surprising discovery — this is the exact verbiage from the owner’s manual:

If the fuel tank filler tube cap is not securely closed, the light may come on. Make sure you tighten this cap every time you add fuel. (Turn the fuel tank filler tube cap clockwise until you hear clicking sounds.)

After reading this passage, I hustled over to my car and checked the gas cap. It was not securely closed! That meth-head, pump-jockey failed to complete this simple task. Without delay, I turned the gas cap until I heard clicking sounds and was confident that I had discovered and solved the problem. Indeed, after a couple days of commuting to and from work, this indicator light turned off and has stayed off ever since. Problem, brought about by an imbecilic Oregon law, solved.

Perhaps I’m being a bit hard on Oregon’s lawmakers and state officials. For if I had been wearing a blindfold while driving, I would have never seen the warning indicator that brought me so much stress…and what if there really was a serious problem? Or worse yet, what if a moose had been pushed out of an airplane and landed in front of my SUV while I was driving blindfolded? My reckless use of blindfolds might have caused me to hit a skydiving moose with my SUV. Ah, but now I would have roadkill that could be taken home to eat for dinner. Uh oh, suddenly I am hit with nagging questions as to the legality of driving blindfolded and eating roadkill. Even more importantly, what if my blindfold happened to be red? Would this make the matter more serious for me? Thankfully, we have laws (throughout the U.S.) which Oregon’s legislators can adopt in order to bring better clarity, order, and security to me and all of my fellow Oregonians. Therefore, I move that the Oregon State Legislature immediately adopt every one of the following laws — and I’m not making these up:

Alabama — it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Alaska — it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

Arizona — any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.

Arizona — when being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.

Augusta, Maine — to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Baltimore, Maryland — it is illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Baltimore, Maryland — it is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within one week of the Easter holiday.

Barber, North Carolina — fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

Bexley, Ohio — the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.

Boise, Idaho — residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back.

Chicago, Illinois — it is forbidden to eat in a place that is on fire.

Chico, California — detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Everett, Washington — it is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Fargo, North Dakota — one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.

Georgia — it is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner’s office.

Klamath Falls, Oregon — it is illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

La Crosse, Wisconsin — you may not worry a squirrel.

Memphis, Tennessee — it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin — it is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.

Minnesota — a person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

Montana — it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Nebraska — it is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

New Hampshire — you cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

Oklahoma — it is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

Pennsylvania — ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

Rhode Island — any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.

San Francisco, California — it is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Seattle, Washington — you may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Tennessee — driving is not to be done while asleep.

Trout Creek, Utah — pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

Vermont — women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Washington — it is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

West Virginia — roadkill may be taken home for supper.

Wilbur, Washington — you may not ride an ugly horse.

Upon Oregon’s adoption of the Rhode Island law in which "any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void" then every Oregon legislator’s marriage will be summarily nullified. If we do, via referendum, make it illegal for a legislator to live in sin (with the penalty of deportation), we’ll soon be rid of these busybody-buffoons. Now we’re talking paradise…

The Best of Eric Englund