MINNEAPOLIS—Saying that an insincere feminine touch would do him a world of good, sources confirmed Monday that local man Jeff Cooper needs the type of emotional support only a woman can feign. “I’ve tried to be there to manufacture support and understanding for Jeff, but there’s only so much sympathy a regular friend can fake—he needs the convincing facade of tenderness and compassion of someone special,” said the 44-year-old’s longtime friend Peter Shaw, adding that, while he is always there to pretend to listen to Cooper, it simply isn’t the same as a woman’s fabricated affection. “He could really use the plausible facsimile of care and understanding of a woman to help get him back up on his feet. I think it would really pick him up.” Shaw added that seeing his friend in such a state makes him all the more thankful for the illusion of warmth and love he goes home to every night.

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