1.

In the sixth minute of stoppage time, Wayne Rooney sprinted to cut off a Will Johnson attempt on an empty net and played a perfect long ball to the head of 5-foot-3 Lucho Acosta for Acosta’s third goal of the night and three points against Orlando City in one of the league’s moments of the year.

After the game, Rooney took his first great moment in the American sporting spotlight to promote his new drink.

“I call it Roon-Juice,” Rooney said through a Rooney to English translator.

“It keeps me going and it gives me that last ounce of energy I need. I make it in my tub,” he said, opening a bottle and unleashing a smell that instantly sent the members of the gathered media into convulsions.

“We’re still working out the kinks. Only had one buyer so far. Exchange rate is different here ya know,” he said as Orlando City manager James O’Connor walked in the room and handed Rooney 500 bucks of what was clearly Monopoly money.

2.

Sporting KC stifled a vaunted LAFC attack and picked up a much needed 2-0 win. The home loss was LAFC’s first of the year.

“It’s tough,” Bob Bradley said as the strings began to fade in. A slow snare and a gentle hi-hat began to keep time.

“When you look around at your house...”

Sexy smoke invaded the room.

“And you realize...” he said picking up the mic in front of him as the lights lowered. “You realize...it’s not...a home...”

The press settled in for what was sure to be another stirring rendition of Luther Vandross as sung by B-Rad while team coordinators looked on and wondered why this was even included in his contract and once again passed out his debut EP, “B-Rad if You’re Bradsty”.

3.

NYCFC needed three goals to get past a ten-man Toronto FC side. Ismael Tajouri found the net twice and Jozy Altidore found the locker room just 11 minutes into the game.

Jozy Altidore received a red card over the weekend for this play against NYCFC.



Do you agree with the call? pic.twitter.com/nn6P7KfDrH — FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) August 13, 2018

“Do you ever just forget what you’re supposed to kick?” Altidore asked before kicking a locker.

“Like, I know it’s the ball,” he said kicking a door.

“But like, what is a ball?” he said as he kicked over Sebastian Giovinco’s recently opened Roon-Juice.

4.

An openly bad Seattle Sounders team out-possessed and out-played still Western Conference leading FC Dallas, who lost 2-1 and who is actually bad and everyone needs to accept that.

“We’re secret trash. We’ve always been trash but we’ve been hiding it all year,” FC Dallas manager Oscar Pareja said. “We’ve lost to San Jose and Seattle in the past two weeks and it really wasn’t even close. You know, because we’re actually bad. I really need you guys to accept that. I bet no one was brave enough to point out that we were actually bad and our record was deceiving before this.”

The press then informed Pareja that, yes, there was in fact one brave blogger in Atlanta who had taken that stand publicly.

“Wow,” Pareja said. “ I bet that guy is extremely handsome and has plenty of close meaningful relationships. I’d like to shake his hand one day. I bet his handshake is extremely firm. But yet, now that I think about it, I bet his eyes are kind. The mark of a truly brilliant person.”

5.

Bradley Wright-Phillips scored his 101st goal in a New York Red Bulls uniform as the Red Bulls beat Chicago 1-0. New York now owns the highest points per game average in the league.

.@BWPNINENINE just can't stop scoring!



He becomes the first MLS player to score 15+ goals in 5 straight seasons. pic.twitter.com/0Ec7CKC42C — FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) August 13, 2018

The Red Bull Company celebrated in their traditional for each player in their system who scores 101 goals: Releasing numerous Dalmatians injected with Red Bull into the team locker room.

“Wow!” Wright-Phillips said. “There are so many Dalmatians! There’s like......One-hundred and o—”

Wright-Phillips froze as his eyes lit up and his mouth opened excitedly.

6.

Real Salt Lake and the Montreal Impact are soccer teams and they played to a 1-1 draw.

7.

Gyasi Zardes scored in stoppage time to give the Columbus Crew a 1-0 win over the Houston Dynamo.

Meanwhile, Justin Meram returned to Columbus after a short stay in Orlando.

“It was not a pleasant experience,” he said post match.

“Oh I bet it wasn’t that bad,” a reporter wearing sunglasses who identified himself as famed Scandinavian MLS reporter Kason Jreis. “I’m sure you at least had great coach.”

“................Not really........”Kason”. Meram said as Kason began to cry until someone finally got him some Roon-Juice.

8.

The Vancouver Whitecaps stunned the Portland Timbers in a 2-1 win at Providence Park on Saturday night. The loss is Portland’s first in 15 games.

Heart. Soul. Passion.



Highlights from an EPIC Cascadia derby at Providence Park. #VWFC pic.twitter.com/z6HcmqL84V — Vancouver Whitecaps (@WhitecapsFC) August 12, 2018

“It’s hard to lose like that. We’ve been in such good form,” Giovanni Savarese said.

“It’s really difficult to do it in front of the home fans. It’s not good when they can’t even feel comfortable...” he said as the faint hint of smoke began to fill the room. “In their own house...”

“Hey, what is Bob Bradley doing here?” a reporter asked far, far too late.