This topic sparks such a passion in me. I know all too well the consequences of sex before marriage. Now that I am in a relationship that has NOTHING to do with sex (yes, we have been dating almost 2 years, engaged for the last year, and have NOT had sex), I see the blessings and benefits in waiting for marriage. Now it is clear to me that God made sex to be for marriage only, and I want to share what He’s taught me so far.

Before I had found and committed myself to following Jesus, I didn’t really see sex before marriage as a problem. If we are have all these sexual urges and desires, it must not be a bad thing… right? It was completely normal in my high school, actually. I remember the pressure I felt to have sex with each boy I dated. I wanted to experience it, yes, but the biggest reason was this: I hoped that once I gave them what they wanted, they would give me what I wanted – a loving, committed, romantic, thoughtful, ready-for-the-long-haul man. I also wanted to give my boyfriend a reason to stay and hoped that our relationship would grow stronger.

This never works. In fact, often times, when it’s not with THE man God has picked out for you, it works completely opposite. I have a lot of proof of this being the case. Boyfriend #1 of 2 years got bored with me and we grew apart, boyfriend #2 of a few months cheated on me with some girl he met on social media, boyfriend #3 of 1 year called me only out of desperation to hang out with somebody (literally I was the last person he wanted to hang out with), and boyfriend #4 of 2 years broke up with me after I found Christ and told him I didn’t want to have sex unless we were married.

Having sex complicates and destroys outside of marriage (James 1:13-15). When sex is brought to the table, often times, guys whose hearts are not in line with the heart of God lose motivation to step up and get serious. They aren’t as concerned with getting married. They’ve got everything they want for the most part, why complicate or change it?

They do not deserve that part of you. A man who wants to honor and love you, but more importantly wants to honor and love Jesus BEFORE you, does. And that man will wait.

Other reasons to not have sex before marriage:

First and foremost, outside of marriage, it is a sin. God is the Creator of sex, therefore He knows best. He says that sex should ONLY be between a married man and woman. Sex between a married couple is blessed by God, He fully supports it, and He wants us to fully enjoy the blessings of sex as He designed it to be. Sexual intimacy between a married man and woman is sacred, and having that desire for each other is an important part of a healthy marriage, hence the entire book of Songs of Solomon. BUT just because we have the urges and desires, just because God made us sexual creatures, does not make sex whenever we want, with whomever we want, excusable or acceptable. God didn’t design it this way, He instructs us not to do it outside of marriage (for all of these reasons and more), we should listen.

There’s also unplanned pregnancy, which is something I’ve experienced. Children are a blessing, and their lives are precious and irreplaceable. The love I have for my daughter opened my eyes to a whole new level of love that is impossible to compare. She’s brought me more happiness than I could have ever imagined. But having a child before you’re with the right man and before you’re ready is so hard. College is hard enough, add an infant or toddler in the mix and it is hard x 100 because you’ve got less sleep and less time to actually work at it and money is VERY tight (if you’re fortunate enough to have the money at all with tuition nowadays). Babies are expensive!! Relationships are more complicated – you’re not just dating for you, you’re dating to find a good father figure for your child as well. Your day revolves around your baby. Your money revolves around your baby. Your sleep revolves around your baby. Your social life revolves around your baby. When the child is with somebody that you’ve decided not to be with it’s complicated and full of hard situations and conversations.

Then there’s STDs. Those can be lethal for both the carrier and their future children.

And there’s the tendency to try too hard to make it work and give far too many chances. We are biologically engineered to invest in one sexual partner. There is a chemical in our brain that is released during sex, oxytocin. It bonds us emotionally with our partner. This bond makes us want to stay with that person, and therefore makes it difficult to accept when a relationship is unhealthy and ready to be ended, and leads to deeper heartbreak when it does. Every time we have sex with somebody and don’t stay with that person, it’s like a scab being ripped off of a wound. It scars and scars and scars until eventually the effect that chemical has on the brain, meaning the bond itself, is weakened. This means that the more sex you have with anybody but your spouse, the weaker that chemical/emotional bond with them will be. If you want more on this, read “Bringing Up Girls” by Dr. James Dobson, which is where I got this information. He has a whole chapter about it.

Being with my fiance, however, has been completely different from all of my past relationships. It has been extremely enlightening in showing me the blessings to be had in waiting. Here are some things I’ve learned:

1. If you don’t want to have sex before marriage, get that out on the table ASAP. This is a very important topic for you both to agree on – meaning he needs to respect you and be on board. I know it’s scary, believe me, I was terrified, but establishing this early on makes that pressure and fear of handling it disappear. Afterward, I felt so empowered and strong in Christ for standing firm in what I believe in. If he doesn’t agree or fights you on it, and you wish to grow in your faith, he’s not the right guy. He’ll only lead you down a bad path, and he definitely doesn’t deserve you or your body (Romans 12:1).

2. There are men out there that will respect this choice and help you through struggles. It’s important to you, it’s important to God, you WILL find a man that will respect your boundaries and even become a rock in this battle.

3. After boundaries are established and consistently respected, that line becomes easier not to cross. Ethan and I have not been perfect, but please hear me when I say that NOTHING good comes from pushing the boundaries with roaming hands or late night snuggling and the like. You are cracking open the door that could lead to so much more, and the more you toe the edge, the more difficult it is to fight, the more routine those slip-ups become. Somebody once described it as walking closer and closer to the edge of a cliff – why see how close you can get before falling off rather than staying far away? Don’t make it any harder for yourselves! Every night we toed the edge we would leave each other on a bad note – unhappy, frustrated with ourselves, and intense remorse knowing that we aren’t staying true to what God wants for us. Ironically, it also often leads to a fight. And in one of our darkest valleys where we couldn’t see God at work in our lives, we actually talked about having sex. We had been waiting over a year and a half. We’d known for a long time, beyond a doubt, that we were going to get married and we’d already been engaged 7 months. The only thing stopping us was money. We’d been waiting for enough money to come to support ourselves, were working our butts off, and fighting this purity battle, all to no avail. However, after venting about this and talking about just doing it, we both felt terrified and guilty, and realized that neither of us really wanted to cross that line after coming so far. God had totally convicted our hearts, and I am so thankful for that. Neither of us wanted any trace of guilt on our first night together, and the thought of blowing it after fighting temptation so long, really scared both of us. Even when we were feeling weak in our walk with Christ, God came back strong by giving us that fear and guilt (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

4. You faith walk can grow IMMENSELY. Not only will your relationship with each other become more deep and meaningful, but so will your walk with Christ. You’ll need the power and help of Jesus to empower you to win this battle, and that will strengthen your faith walk and prepare you for the battles that come with marriage. It will also be a season of showing Jesus that you love him more than that person, and therefore will obey His will before giving into your flesh or the desires of your significant other. Lean on God through this time and He will guide you through!

5. Your relationship will be built on a love that is real, substantial, and stable. You will be falling in love with your man for who he is alone, and he will be falling in love with you for who you are alone. No sex to cloud judgement and feelings. Just chemistry and rejoicing in each others’ company. You can be so emotionally and spiritually connected with him that the sex to be had within your marriage will be like the cherry on top. The final finishing touch to seal the deal and deepen the bond of marriage.

6. The period of waiting for sex teaches you how to defeat your flesh and rely on the power of Jesus. This time can greatly strengthen your trust in each other as you practice controlling our thoughts and eyes – something we are all called to do (Matt 5:28, Colossians 3:5, Job 31:1, “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul” – 1 Peter 2:11).

If you fill your mind with things that glorify the Lord, there will be less room for fleshly thoughts. Listen to worship on the radio, listen to messages while you drive, read the Word often, pray every chance you get – just get more of Jesus. REALLY take thoughts captive and quickly reject thoughts that could lead you down a bad path in your mind. The more you are in Christ, the less power the enemy has. Check out Psalm 119:

9 How can a young person stay on the path of purity?

By living according to your word.

10 I seek you with all my heart;

do not let me stray from your commands.

11 I have hidden your word in my heart

that I might not sin against you.

12 Praise be to you, Lord;

teach me your decrees.

13 With my lips I recount

all the laws that come from your mouth.

14 I rejoice in following your statutes

as one rejoices in great riches.

15 I meditate on your precepts

and consider your ways.

16 I delight in your decrees;

I will not neglect your word.

9 ways Ethan and I fight sexual temptations here.

7. You become very good communicators. When there’s no sex, you talk. A lot. That is a very good thing. Ethan and I have broken down some serious walls over these last 2 years. You become best friends, knowing each other better than anybody, trusting each other with extremely personal information, trusting each other when vulnerabilities and flaws in your character are exposed… It is a different type of intimacy that sex can never achieve. And better communication means more productive “fighting.” The issues will be easier to resolve because you will be comfortable and open with each other at that point, so you will both be able to express your emotions and needs better.

8. You’re fighting for a healthy sex life for your future marriage. {Updated 8.28.16} I experienced sex outside of marriage, and it left me feeling extremely vulnerable, afraid of losing that person, empty, used, self conscious – just awful in general – because that lack of commitment was still here, looming over me once the happy hormones wore off.

But in marriage, sex is a physical expression of a deep love and appreciation for one another, and that deep love and appreciation was built through the time spent learning their character and what makes them who they are. Are you guaranteed your first night and honeymoon will be flawless because you waited? NO! But with the right mindset, I guarantee you, it will be meaningful. So so meaningful. Which is what sex is all about. It’s about connecting to your partner in every way, it’s not about performance. And when sex is just a joyous celebration of each other, it is truly a beautiful gift. When sex is an instrument of a healthy marriage, it is nothing short of a blessing, as God intended it to be.

It is in marriage that I am able to be vulnerable without fear, be myself without feeling self-conscious, and feel secure in the commitment Ethan has made to me and me alone. I can feel confident, beautiful, and valuable knowing that I do not have to earn his love or his loyalty with my body, but that he promised me his love and loyalty because of who I am. What a blessing to be loved and valued for who you are alone.

For all those with a past: it is never too late to make the decision to pursue purity. Christ died for our sins, His grace is sufficient. All you have to do is commit and repent. Leave the old ways behind and follow Jesus’ plan for your life (Ephesians 4:22-24), you will find a joy that lasts and endures even through hardship. God Himself promises this!

I wrote an update on September 12th, 2014, called An Update on Saving Sex for Marriage: 3 Months into Marriage, that talks about all that I have learned about sex within marriage and why I am so glad that we waited!