I left of last with Ava getting literally a shot at life. I still am in awe of the whole thing. Every time I thought “There are no other options. We are totally screwed.” something new would come out of thin air. A lot of the reason for this I believe is because we were public with our story. People wouldn’t have realized the severity and desperate position we were in otherwise. I know everyone doesn’t have the same comfort level I have with sharing.



Many of our loved ones are sadly ashamed of the stigma that goes along with heroin addiction, so even if you don’t do it publically as we have, I would highly recommend either an online or local support group. As I’ve mentioned several times during the course of this blog, Heroin Support helped me in so many ways and is private. I was able to get input from active users, those in recovery and other loved ones like myself. I still appreciate the love and support I received from them so much, and made some valuable, lifelong friends. The more advice and ideas the better! I never would have even heard of Vivitrol if it wasn’t for the group. I strongly suggest anyone going through addiction from any aspect connect with some form of support!

So Ava received the Vivitrol shot the night she got home from California. Once I got over the fear that it hadn’t been done properly and the potential effects the medication might have, I was cautiously optimistic. When I saw her the next morning and I could not believe the difference in her. She had her “spark” back, the sun rays were beaming. She looked happy for the first time in years. I was shocked. It was like night and day. For her it worked immediately!

(I believe this was her first night back home)

We started the very long process of trying to get her life back. Step one was getting an ID. Now anyone who’s ever been to a Department of Motor Vehicles knows it’s generally a little piece of hell. I went and got her from my friend’s house actually had fun there with my daughter for the first time in I couldn’t even remember. We sat together people watching and giggling about silly jokes, texting each other about what the people around us were doing. It was like before the nightmare began. She was finally present and in the moment. The Zombie was in remission. Unfortunately enjoying time with Ava had been something that had been difficult, if not impossible, for a long time. I think that was when I realized just how much I had missed my other half.

(DMV fun?)

I decided after a few days that she could try coming home. This is was so scary for so many reasons. She seemed better but the trust was going to take a long time to earn back. My own grief and healing had to be dealt with also, but not quite yet I found. She had lost so much from her disease. We still had a long journey facing us even though she was home and seemed to have a real change of attitude. This was the first time I saw what early recovery is really like. She had been in rehabs during most of her other clean time, so this part of the process was all new to me. And what a process it is!

This is something I see a huge problem with currently. Most people don’t seem realize the level of support someone in early recovery really needs. It’s VERY extensive I soon found out. She quickly became depressed and anxious. She was finally realizing what she had lost both materially and emotionally over the last 6 years while she had been using. It was overwhelming for us both. I had this child who I was so happy was sober, ALIVE, and home with me, but she was so sad. She cried every single day. I once again was in a position of “What do I do??”

(My very sad, but clean, sunshine. Again, addiction is a family disease. Her younger siblings had to witness their sister cry every day and not understand why.)

It was almost as hard to see her this unhappy and broken as it was when she was on drugs! I knew she was safer, but not in the clear by far. The sadder she became, the more afraid I became of a relapse. She expressed so many feelings during this time. She was bored number one. All of her time had been spent hustling for money, waiting for dealers and being high. She was used to being around her peers. She was used to blocking out everything. Her entire lifestyle changed overnight. All the “friends” she had still were actively using so she had to cut everyone but family out of her life. While I was happy about getting what I felt was my real daughter back, she was suffering the loss of what had been her life, and having a lot of trouble adjusting to the new one. It was strange to deal with seeing her grieving now instead of it being me. And worse. No one wants to see their child in pain, I think most of us would rather it be us. I began to feel just as helpless as I did on day one. I believe she was having a lot of these feelings as well.

She used music a lot to cope. Here were some of the songs I heard on repeat a lot during that time. Be careful, a few really stick in your head! But as I frequently say, whatever works!!! So the long path ahead to sobriety continued…



https://youtu.be/xo1VInw-SKc

https://youtu.be/QbjEYddz7MA

https://youtu.be/HHP5MKgK0o8