Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton insists rival Bernie Sanders should apologize for being a much, much better candidate than she is.

"Despite all our protests, Senator Sanders continues to selfishly hurt the Democratic Party by challenging the status quo, questioning a rigged system, and creating widespread enthusiasm among supporters," says Clinton spokesperson/truckler Randall T. McHubbart. "Hillary has never done nor will she ever do any of that, I promise you."

As the Democratic establishment continues to deny favoring either candidate, secret plans reveal Democratic National Committee members preparing to switch the location of the upcoming Democratic convention from Philadelphia to Hillary Clinton's mansion in Chappaqua, New York without Sanders knowing.

"After the millions of miles Ms. Clinton has logged serving our country so brilliantly as Secretary of State, we thought it only fair to save her some travel time," said DNC spokestoady Latricia Jillom.

"We were eventually going to tell Sanders and his delegates about this change, just in time for them to attend Clinton's victory party," added Jillom. "They can bring danish."