Calvinist Nods Stoically After Being Ambushed By Surprise Party

RICHMOND, VA—Jonathan Perry’s friends and family labored for weeks to surprise him for his 30th birthday Wednesday evening, and prepared to leap out and ambush him with a surprise party when he walked in the door that night.

Unfortunately for them, Perry is a Calvinist, and did not appear to be shocked in the slightest when they all jumped out from behind couches and tables and yelled “Surprise!”

“Yes, exactly as it was predestined to happen,” he said, accepting his fate without a hint of shock or surprise. “Let’s get this over with. I am sure there’s beer and snacks over in the kitchen? Yup, no surprise there. I shall go partake, as the Lord foreordained.”

“We forgot to take into account his rock-solid belief in God’s sovereignty,” his wife told reporters as a poker-faced Perry began playing another round of horseshoes in the backyard, “just as it had been orchestrated before the creation of the world.”

She further stated that Perry faces literally everything life throws at him with stoic acceptance, from stubbing his toe to his car breaking down, seeing everything as an outworking of the sovereign plan of the Lord.

At publishing time, Perry had spilled his craft IPA on his flannel shirt, and simply nodded, saying, “I am okay with the unfolding of this event.”

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