I hate you, Poch.

Spurs romp to a 3-0 lead inside 23 minutes and Old Trafford is once again stunned. In the sense that every single Man United fan felt a drubbing on the cards from the moment they woke up in the morning, and they're just surprised by how much worse it actually is.

Evil José gets his Revlon Pro Collection Salon 360 out, sets the temperature dial to max, ditto for the blow strength, and gets to work.

United respond, sort of, by getting two quick goals back before then giving up again. Spurs hold on for a comfortable 4-2 away win, and the blade dangling above Evil José's neck looks more of a health and safety violation than ever.

The next game in the league involves Burnley at Turf Moor, and as a result of that, it involving Burnley at Turf Moor, nothing of note happens in a 0-0. Nothing of note happens other than Evil José making his dream, match-altering, triple substitution of Nemanja Matic, Marouane Fellaini and Zlatan Ibrahimović.

It has no effect.

Back in Room 101 of the Lowry Hotel that night, Evil José sees a message ding up in his inbox.

Ed Woodward wants a meeting to discuss his future.

Failure to attend will see him fired with immediate effect.

Evil José hovers over the 'Refuse to Attend' button for several minutes.

Were it not for the quality of towels, and endless supply of body lotion and hand moisturiser his room is stocked up with on an almost daily basis, he would have pulled the trigger.

Instead, he goes to the showdown in the boardroom.

He's faced with different excuses to explain the club's underperformance in the meeting. In true shithouse fashion he blames the run of fixtures that haven't actually been that tough.

Ed Woodward and Avram Glazer inform him that the fixtures haven't been that tough.

He now has three options left as his job hangs by a thread. He can beg to keep it, admit that he isn't cut out for the role, or he can tell them, in no uncertain terms, to remain patient and see the improvement in the side that is definitely, definitely, definitely, probably, maybe coming.

Evil José tells them to give him time to see results improve.

Evil José has a month to improve results or, like his real life counterpart, he will be sacked before Christmas.