I have been an avid Goldfish Cracker eater for the major chunk of my 24 and a half years (because lets face it, most of your target audience measures their age in fractions) where I've been able to consume solid foods (so, for most of it). As such, I believe I'm well qualified to identify when a particular cracker is, or is not, a true "Goldfish." Thus when I purchased a large 30oz-could-probably-feed-one-average-sized-family-for-a-month-but-I-can-burn-through-in-like-a-day sized carton at my local supermarket a month or so back, I was extremely disappointed at what I found to be the contents of this box.

For a product whose first ingredient is allegedly "smiles," I can only dub these creatures as Zombie Goldfish. Not only are they not the snack that smiles back until one bites their heads off, but these satanic creatures are emblazoned with an eerie encircled plus sign that I can only discern must be the mark of some diseased cult or hoard (or the mark from the production machine that squirts out the dough into the fish shaped molds, but where's the fun in that?). Not only do these grotesque creatures make up the large portion of my carton, they're extremely dense (not just of wits!) and unpleasant to taste, although for the sake of this letter let's pretend that I dared not to consume them, lest I contract their mutilated disorder (or accept the manufacturing malfunction -- again, boring).