NEW YORK (AP) – In a hard-hitting, deeply-research, exclusive – and objective – report, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo examined some of the “hidden code words” and “racist dog whistles” that bigoted white people – who aren’t him – use to signal other bigoted white people that it’s safe to speak bigotly around them. Among other terms, Cuomo singled out the word “hello” as an obvious racist dog whistle.

“Racists always give themselves away,” said Cuomo. “And when you watch white people – not me, but, you know, the racist ones – they’ll give you clues about how they feel about guys with pre-fab tans. You know what’s a big giveaway? The word ‘hello’. Normal people say ‘hey’ or ‘sup’ or ‘yo’ or something like that. Know who says ‘hello’? Super racist white people. That’s all. Nobody else. I mean SUPER white. Like they’re Aunt Bea answering a telephone where you put one part up to your ear while you speak into a cone. And I’m pretty sure there weren’t any people of color in Mayberry. I’ll let you do the math on that.”

“But these super racist Aunt Bea types,” Cuomo said “they never actually say anything prejudiced to your face. They use code words. You practically gotta use an Enigma machine on these guys. But I’m smart, see? I know the code. They’ll say things like ‘inner city’ or ‘illegal immigrant’ or ‘constitution’ or ‘Chicago’ or ‘golf’. Or, you know, ‘hello’. Dead giveaways.”

“Now,” continued Cuomo, “normal non-racist people – like me – maybe I call somebody a name or something if I get mad. Maybe threaten to mess him up and push him down some stairs, but I ain’t gonna rip on his skin color. Maybe I drop f-bombs at him like I’m strafing the Taliban, and maybe my 9-year-old daughter is in earshot drinking this all in, but skin color is. Off. Limits. I got decency. I got standards. I got class.”

“I don’t care what color a mook’s skin is,” Cuomo concluded. “He looks at me cross-eyed, I’ll mess him up. And heaven help anyone who tries calling me the name of a minor character from a 70’s blockbuster movie. That’s like the N-word to Italians. I had some dirty punk call me Greedo once. I punched him in the face. Security camera footage says he punched me first, so it was totally self-defense.”

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