The Buffalo Bills have way too many candidates for their head coach position. (Note: this is not a fact-based statement.) We here at Buffalo Rumblings took it upon ourselves to narrow down the list for you the best way we know how: typhoid, exhaustion, and dysentery.

That's right: The Oregon Trail is picking the next coach of the Bills for the Pegulas.

With 14 potential candidates, I had to break them up into groups. I took the three former head coaches I consider the front-runners and made them wagon leaders: Mike Shanahan, Rex Ryan, and Jim Schwartz. After that, I put the rest of the retread head coaches into one group, some of the offensive guys together, and the defensive options together with the offensive leftovers. (It's not an exact science, is it?)

Ground rules

Each group bought at least all the recommended supplies, five boxes of bullets, and one of each spare wagon part.

I determined each wagon leader's occupation by a quick Twitter poll. Pace of travel and rations were left up to each wagon leader.

I actually played out each of these scenarios on The Oregon Trail emulator. Have fun with it, kids.

Group 1: Ryan's Retreads

Rex Ryan's group of former head coaches is a strong group. With a steady pace and filling rations, they set off on their journey with the collection of Hue Jackson, Pat Shurmur (Rex refused to call him anything but "Fritz"), Josh McDaniels, and Doug Marrone (because, hey, we needed a fifteenth participant). At the first river crossing, brash Rex attempts to ford the river, but he is inundated by water. The group has lost all of their sets of clothing now (something I would really prefer not to think about), and half the oxen are gone, slowing our pace.

They eventually make it to the next river crossing, where they still haven't learned from past mistakes. In just three feet of water, they lose another ox and 1,700 pounds of precious food. (That's a lot of goddamn snacks, Rex.)

After buying some clothes at the next fort (some prying eyes as that group walked into the store, I'll bet), our explorers set off on the trail. Another ox dies, leaving them with only one ox - and not enough money to procure another animal. With an incredibly slow pace, this trip is going to be difficult, and it's further slowed by the need to hunt for food at least once a week.

The next river proves to be a murderous wretch. All four of our coaches drown, taking the final ox with them into a shallow watery grave.

Our journey is over unless Rex can trade for another ox to matriculate our wagon down the trail. Every day he attempts to trade, but he still needs to eat, diminishing his supplies. Eventually, he has exhausted the stash of bullets and food - and without the ox, there is nothing left but to sit and rest and await the final outcome. In the real world, he could have hitched on another wagon train as a TV analyst or defensive coordinator somewhere, but this is The Oregon Trail, and there's only one outcome that's not the Buffalo Bills' head coaching job.

Group 2: Jim Schwartz

The current defensive coordinator of the Bills adds defensive coordinators Dan Quinn and Teryl Austin, along with Quinn's running mate in Seattle, Darrell Bevell. Mike Shanahan refused to have Denver's offensive coordinator in his group, so he gets plopped on Schwartz's watch. They set off!

Bills fans fancied Schwartz a banker, so he started with a lot of money and we bought a bunch of extra supplies, racking up the largest bill at the general store (like his defense was procured in Buffalo). In an effort to show he was more aggressive than his predecessor, Schwartz leaves at the earliest possible time. In an effort to "stay hungry," your rations of food are bare bones, but you travel at a steady pace, like most coaches.

When we get to the river crossings, we've got so much money we just ferry across. No biggie. Bevell gets lost, costing us four days on our trip - but getting to Buffalo can be tricky when you think it's in New York City. For some reason, Austin keeps breaking limbs (leg once, arm three times). Maybe he's not the right candidate for the tough team the Bills want to create.

A thief comes during the night, rustling 12 oxen, and our pace slows from 20 miles a day to 15. I blame the general manger. It worked for the previous coach so well. Then this thing happened for no apparent reason in the middle of a blizzard:

More pesky thieves come, stealing 23 sets of clothing. We need to lock this defense down. The oft-injured Austin develops dysentery, and dies. Not pretty.

They've got the money, so at the next fort restock on oxen to a complement of 12 and get going. Then tragedy strikes Quinn a short time later, when dies from cholera.

Throughout the trip, Gase has been the most snake-bitten (figuratively speaking). He contracted a fever, a broken leg, broken arm, and dysentery. After traveling a while (and apparently recovering), Gase once again develops dysentery and finally succumbs to the brutal disease. (Maybe eating the same food for four months is probably not the best idea.)

That leaves just our hero, Jimmy Schwartz. He continues on, alone, until coming to his next river crossing. Without analytics, he doesn't know that 10 feet is too deep to ford, and it costs him dearly. It all goes down.

Group 3: Mike Shanahan

On Twitter, folks told me Shanahan looks like a farmer as opposed to a banker or a carpenter. I think it's the red-faced, weathered look. He brings along his son, Kyle, as well as Frank Reich, Pep Hamilton, and Greg Roman, and these offense-minded folks get right to work.

The beginning of their trip was marred when five of their six oxen were stolen, slowing their pace considerably. The slowed pace took its first victim early, when Reich succumbed to typhoid. He made it just 228 miles, and won't be the next coach of the Bills.

A short time later, Kyle Shanahan also died from the same disease. I started to wonder if the strenuous pace I had set under the Shanahan yoke (pun intended) was the right move, but with only one ox, they weren't moving at an acceptable pace. They hadn't rested a purposeful day on the entire trip, but they marched on with just three remaining offensive minds.

After finally getting to the next fort to spend the rest of the money on some oxen, they got going again. Oh no! Pep Hamilton has typhoid, then the measles, then he's dead. Another one bites the dust. At least he made it to 1,000 miles, though.

A little further down the road, typhoid claimed another victim. Roman changed up the pattern with typhoid, then cholera, before ultimately passing. Mike Shanahan was all alone.

Our wagon leader was alone for the final month, fixing his wagon after it broke down time after time, battling exhaustion and a broken leg. He reached the final leg of his journey with not a penny to his name. He would need to guide the river to the valley.

SUCCESS! Mike Shanahan has survived the long journey as a farmer. He truly is the man with the plan. The Oregon Trail has spoken. Hire this man, Mr. and Mrs. Pegula.