“Signs point to yes.” – Magic 8-Ball prophecy

You have probably heard this line at one point, the one that says “the best DBAs are the ones you never see or hear?” I used to think that was a result of some sketchy personal hygiene choices and later on understood it to mean that if everything is running smoothly then there isn’t a need to see your DBA. It’s kinda like how you never see your plumber. Oh sure, you could call him (or her) and chat, have them over for drinks or dinner one night, but you never bother talking to them until your toilet backs up and there’s crap everywhere. That’s how most DBAs are treated as well, we don’t get called until after the crap is on the floor.

Unlike your plumber most DBAs are performing regular work on your databases. Much of this work will go unnoticed. The reason for that is simple: you’ll freak out if you knew what we were doing. And if you ask us about something we are likely to tell you half-truths because (1) we don’t want you to freak out and (2) you never understand us when we talk to you anyway.

Here’s my list of things that I am willing to bet your DBA hasn’t always been truthful about.

1. Your database server is still on physical hardware

Probably the number one misconception that end users have these days centers around the use of virtualization. People fear change, and when they are told that their servers are about to be virtualized they freak out. And for the handful of users that don’t freak out immediately their reaction is just delayed until the moment that something goes wrong and then they blame the fact that the server is on virtual hardware. What’s that? The bank didn’t send the files last night, so the import never started? It must be due to the fact that we were virtualized, because before then nothing like this ever happened.

Wrong. Bad things happened before you were virtual, too. It’s just that you don’t remember. So we don’t bother telling you about the switch. No, we wait until it leaks out months later, just so we can say things like “look, it’s been on a VM for six months and you never once complained about performance, so don’t try blaming virtualization for your issues now.”

2. Everything is fine, nothing to see here

Chances are everything is not fine. In fact, chances are the data center is on fire and your server melted last night (good thing they were virtualized so we could failover immediately to a different data center without you knowing) but we aren’t going to say a word to you about it. And why not?

Because the minute most users hear about something having gone wrong they like to blame EVERYTHING on whatever went wrong. Take this example:

Me: “Hi Craig, just want you to know that last night at 11PM the differential backup failed. We’re not sure why yet, but we re-ran them at 11:30PM and those worked. So, if you ever need something from Monday night and ask for the 11PM backup and you’re told that we only have one for 11:30, you don’t need to panic.”

Craig: “The backups failed?”

Me: “Yes, but we re-ran them right away, so we have a good one, just from 11:30PM, and not 11PM”

Craig: “OK then, that explains why those reports at midnight didn’t work.”

Me: “No, it doesn’t, the backups have no bearing on those reports. It’s two different servers. Your report server melted in the fire. That’s why they didn’t run. This is a different server, and a different time. There is no relation between the two.”

Craig: “But the reports use data from that server. Chances are the data they retrieved caused the fire.”

Me: “Is it too early to start drinking? I guess not, because clearly you have already.”

That’s why we don’t tell you anything. It’s because no matter what happens you will latch onto it and start blaming it for anything else no matter how unrelated or crazy. You’ll send emails to managers stating “facts” that are just not true, creating more chaos and confusion than if we had said nothing at all.

So we don’t say anything. No matter how big or small of an event.

3. It’s the network

Your DBA is likely the best looking and smartest person in your IT department. But that doesn’t mean that they are omnipotent. From time to time they are not going to have an immediate answer for you no matter how long you stand in their cube tapping your feet and reminding them how much money is being lost for each passing minute that they haven’t solved whatever imaginary problem you are having.

It’s during times like these that the most seasoned of DBAs will reach into for the modern-day equivalent of a “get out of jail free” card by turning their heads, looking deep into your eyes and saying those magical words:

“Looks like it could be a problem with the network.”

This one line is pure gold. It buys any DBA the time they need to investigate the real problem as most folks will walk out of the cube once they believe the DBA is on the trail and closer to finding a solution. And once those people leave you alone to focus on the issue you are likely to be able to find a solution.

And don’t worry about blaming the network. The network admins don’t mind, because they just blame management for not buying the right hardware the first time around. And then management tells the end users they will need to live with the bad performance until the network issues are worked out. It’s the circle of life in IT, and it works.

4. Of course your server is dedicated

Not likely, no it is not. Not only does your database server also run all sorts of other things like anti-virus software and software for taking server tape backups, but chances are it is running other services like SSAS or SSIS. And let’s not forget all those vendors that insist their application be installed on the same server as the database “for performance reasons” which I always found amusing every time we found the performance bottleneck to be the application itself. Good times.

And let’s not forget the price of all that hardware and software. As much as I enjoy having my overall CPU utilization to be less than ten percent if the guys who write the checks find out that we are wasting ninety percent of our capacity then there is a good chance we won’t ever be able to buy anything new and then you’ll have to hear your DBA say things like “this is why we can’t have nice things” each time you ask if your server is dedicated. So, just don’t bother. Your server is a resource and is likely being used by others. Get used to the idea.

5. Yes I gave you the permissions you asked for

Not only do vendors like to insist that their applications are installed on the same server as the database, but they also insist on having full administrative rights. Why are such rights necessary? Quite often, they aren’t, but vendors ask for it because they can. Any good DBA will ask for a list of actions that are needed so that they can grant the permissions necessary for those actions. I once had a vendor tell me they needed full system administrative rights for the database instance AND the O/S because they “had to create tables and stuff”.

DBAs, especially the good ones, know this isn’t true. And so we give you the permissions that you need. Quite often that is different from the permissions that you asked for. And honestly we’re too tired to explain to you the difference because you usually don’t care to understand it anyway.

There you go, five things your DBA has probably been less than truthful with you about. That doesn’t make us bad people. In fact, it makes us more like an adult…say a parent…someone who knows the difference between “want” and “need” and has to make the hard choices that others don’t want to make.

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