Let’s just lay something out there in the clear where everyone can see and acknowledge it. Real men cook. If you can’t cook up any kind of basic meal, you’re not a man. There’s just no way around it. The lack of cooking skills makes you feeble and you probably say something like “I’m comfortable with my manliness” before you dive head first into your wine spritzer. You’re only lying to yourself Chaz. While we’re being honest take off your skinny jeans, you look ridiculous. Luckily for you, you have a chance at redemption: Follow this really simple recipe for the best chili I know and you might still be able to grow your first pubic hair. This recipe has been a year in the works with different ingredients and beer combinations. Through all this experimentation I have arrived at one conclusion; Hoyne Brewing Company’s Dark Matter is the only beer for Chili.

I’ve grouped the ingredients in sections to keep it easy for you:

Dark Matter Chili

Section 1:

1/4 Cup Vegetable oil (or similar oil)

1 LB Ground Beef

1 LB Ground Pork (or get sausages and rip of the casing)

1 Red Pepper (Chopped)

2 Onions (Chopped)

4 Cloves of Garlic (Big ones, don’t be a pansy) (Squished)

Section 2

1 14.5 oz Can of Diced Tomatoes

1 Cup Carrots (Chopped)

1 Cup Celery (Chopped)

1 Cup Mushrooms (Chopped)

1/4 Cup Worchestershire Sauce

2 Cups Beef Broth

2 650ML Bottles of Hoyne Brewing Company’s Dark Matter

1 Cup of really strong coffee (I seriously mean really strong)

Section 3

4 TBSP Chili Powder

1 TBSP Cumin

1 TBSP Cocoa

1 TSP Oregano

1 TSP Cayenne Pepper (add more if you like it spicy)

2 TBSP Brown Sugar

2 Cans of Kidney Beans

Salt and Pepper to taste

Advice for looking cool:

Prepare everything above so you don’t have to run around stirring and chopping and looking like you don’t know what you’re doing.

Cooking Directions:

Add everything in Section 1 into a big ol’ pot and cook it over medium heat until the meat is cooked Add everything in Section 2 and cook over medium heat until the carrots are mostly soft. Add everything in Section 3 and stir until everything is all mixed in. Open the second bottle of Hoyne Brewing Company’s Dark Matter and pour yourself a glass because you now deserve it. Turn the heat down low and simmer for 2 hours or until most of the liquid is gone and you have a nice thick tasty Chili. Drink the remaining Dark Matter.

Make note: This Chili always tastes best reheated the next day (after you’ve let it sit in the fridge overnight).

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