Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Thomas the Tank Engine -- and the "Cybernetic Anthropomorphous Machine" stirs up mental images of cold steel feet stomping their way methodically through playgrounds and orphanages everywhere -- we'll go with the latter. It's far more accurate

The CAM was a literal war-mech, built by General Electric back in 1966. Its purpose was to move cargo and weapons through rough terrain during battles. It actually involves no electricity; the whole thing is operated via manual control of hydraulic servos. The final production models were to have 12-foot-tall legs and a top hiking speed of 35 miles an hour, and, as you can see at about 39 seconds in, it could

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

kick a fucking jeep across the room.

Admittedly it does so rather hesitantly and awkwardly - but that's more a matter of self-confidence than ability.

Doesn't this kind of piss you off? We had functional fun-size AT-ATs back in the mid-60s!

Sure, doubts were raised about its inherent balance and mobility -- because there's a kind of pulley system following the thing around through parts of the video -- but look closely: The rope is slack most of the time. It seems to be serving more as a precaution than a support. These scientists are still human beings, after all. While they might know, objectively, that this shambling steel rhino skeleton is entirely rider-operated, and therefore physically unable to snap and rampage through the complex in a berserk murder spree -- they're still going to put a leash on it, just in case. Besides, there are plenty of images of the thing moving freely, and even a few of the later prototypes, which had stabilizing arms so it could never fall over in such a way that you could not right it again. Long story short: It worked, and with a little more development, it could have worked really well.

But the CAM was eventually discontinued because, although there wasn't much physical strain involved, most of the operators mentally burnt out after about 15 minutes from the unfamiliar stress of manipulating a foreign body via joysticks.

God ... dammit, the past! We own Xboxes now. We do this shit for fun! If you sons-of-bitching-previous-generations had just stuck with this and ironed out the kinks, we could all be loping to the 7-Eleven for a six-pack and a Slim Jim in our solid-steel battlemechs that kick through walls, cruise at the city-speed of a car and