They said it was pointless, that I didn’t stand a chance, and I agreed: men fare badly in family courts and the lawyers were right. But my 11 year old daughter had been begging me to come and live with me for over a year, she’d been physically attacked by my ex-wife and she was terrified of her volatility. At least when the inevitable happened and I lost in court, it would be an honourable defeat because I could look my daughter in the eye and say I tried.

So when 6 months later and after several outings in court, I drove both my daughters up to Birmingham as the new primary carer, I was in a state of shock.

How had this happened?

First, let’s be clear on a few things: with my daughters now in Birmingham and my new role as primary carer; life was no bed of roses, the battle wasn’t over, we didn’t suddenly become happy families with endless dancing in the kitchen:

Life was tough for them as they adjusted to a new life in the city.

We were all sleep deprived in the first year after they moved as their new baby brother kept everyone up at night (he was a ghastly sleeper)

Life was complicated for us all as my older daughter ceased all contact with her mum and tried to blank out all memories of her, but my younger daughter continued to see her and regard her very much as her mum.

Bruised and humiliated from losing her kids, when my ex-wife had contact with our younger daughter, she manipulated her at every given opportunity and caused constant division between both daughters, something which took literally years to overcome and work through.

My ex-wife wriggled and wriggled when it came to child maintenance paying virtually nothing, something which added a layer of financial strain to an already challenging situation.

There is no manual on how to handle the complexities of parenting when the other parent is hell-bent on manipulation and there is no guide for how to manage your two children when one daughter sees her mum as mum whilst the other refuses to see her at all and is trying to blank her out of her mind. There are no specific support groups and anything from social services or CAFCASS on parenting is so general and basic, that you want to put a brick through your laptop in frustration when you read it.

But getting back to the headline of this article:

A) How did I manage to secure custody? What swung it?

B) What advice would I give to other non resident fathers battling in court to see their kids?

Lets start with B:

Ensure your communication with your ex-partner is squeaky clean. However unjust your situation, whatever you’ve been through, whatever your ex is still putting you through, ensure that every letter you send her, every text, every email, every response is absolutely squeaky clean. Polite, rational and sensible with reasonable requests. DO NOT SEND ANYTHING WHICH COULD BE CONSTRUED AS AGGRESSIVE/TOO DIRECT … DO NOT SEND ANYTHING WHICH COULD BE USED AGAINST YOU IN COURT! Never stop POLITELY asking for contact with your children, even if it seems that your kid doesn’t want to see you and/or you keep getting knocked back by your ex. Keep a record of your requests (screenshots/photocopies) and file them. Maybe in 15/20 years’ time, they’ll prove that you did at least try. If you already have contact with your kids but you’re fighting to have more contact, understand that as your kids get older, their need to see you regularly may change so be prepared to become more flexible over time. Avoid the mistake my ex-wife made, when she insisted on fortnightly contact with my younger daughter, who, by the time she turned 11 years old, was involved in various groups, activities and wanted more flexibility with regards to her contact with her mum. In the end, my younger daughter got so fed up with the stress and pressure from her mum that, like her older sibling, she too ceased all direct contact with her mum. Understand that things are changing in the family courts. There is a general movement towards an intolerance of parental alienation. So keep trying, don’t give up and join the fight for justice in family courts. Court procedures take a long time. If you’re battling to see your kids, there are many stages to go through. One court outing will not result in a dressing-down for your ex and immediate contact with your kids. It’s the first step in a long journey, so manage your expectations and hang in there … DON’T GIVE UP. Kids grow up. Even if they appear to be poisoned against you, so long as your communication with your ex is squeaky clean and you never stop asking for contact, and so long as you never forget your child’s birthdays etc, eventually your child is likely to become curious about resuming contact in some way, even if he/she is nearly an adult by the time that happens. If you yourself have a history which might include substance abuse, neglect, criminal record etc, then play the legal game with a gracious attitude. The courts/authorities will want to feel satisfied you are safe to have the kids. They’re just doing their jobs in taking time to explore the issues, even if you think it’s unfair and even if certain allegations are unfounded. So, work with them, do what they ask you to do, reassure them and DO NOT SCREW UP WITH ANY PROMISES/ASSURANCES YOU MAKE! If you’re falsely accused of abuse, yet you were the abused one, as outrageous as this is, you have rise above it and don’t let it get to you. Calm, composed and rational is who you need to be. There are plenty of people who will stop at nothing to get their own way and it’s a bummer for you that you conceived a child with someone like that. But you did conceive a child with someone like that, you were in relationship someone like that and that’s just life. Sometimes, you make lousy decisions! In court, you have to be able to hold it together if you want the best outcome. Trust me, your abuser may well ask for a screen in court because he/she is so terrified of you! Abusers lie, abusers bully, abusers manipulate … abusers will stoop as low as they have to, to get what they want. Keep anything to do with court and kids off social media. Don’t vent about your experiences on any social media platform. Don’t even vent about it whilst keeping the kids names out of it. If you do vent about your situation, either before a court proceeding or during, it will come back and bite you on the nose in court!

How did I manage to secure custody? What swung it?

To be honest, I didn’t swing it! I was blessed by 3 unusual factors as the court proceedings started, each of which was a factor, with numbers 2 and 3 being the most critical points.

My ex-wife hung herself with: A) an appalling and ongoing tirade on twitter which had been going for years, slating the kids, slating me, lying left right and centre with the most outrageous lies which could easily be disproved. The tweeting did not swing the case, but accurately portrayed her from the outset as an unhinged person. B) a bizarre decision to suddenly block my contact with my daughters completely. She claimed I was a kidnap threat although had no evidence whatsoever. With the twitter tirade, it was clear that all was not well in her mind! We hit the jackpot with our CAFCASS officer. When I say ‘hit the jackpot’, it may sound flippant, but in our case, the CAFCASS officer was not biased against me as a man (as many are reported to be), she wasn’t pro-mum nor was she lightweight or wishy-washy. She was balanced, rational, intelligent and highly experienced (she was in her early 60s) and she was keen to get to the bottom of what was really happening. She saw through my ex-wife’s upper-middle class veneer and put an unusual amount of time into getting to know the girls, and getting her head around the case. My lawyer at the time was astonished by the depth and detail of her reporting which went beyond anything my lawyer had previously encountered. Without the insight and time of that unusually attentive CAFCASS officer, the girls would not have been moved. Unfortunately, and as with many things in life, who you get as your CAFCASS officer is a bit of a lottery. There are great ones, bad ones, intelligent ones, dumb ones, narrow minded ones, forward thinking ones, traditional ones, balanced ones and ‘not coping’ ones in crisis and about to be signed off on long term stress. My eldest daughter at 11 was considered very mature for her age and was highly articulate. It meant that she was a particularly compelling witness for her age: plenty of 11 year old children would be seen as far less credible and therefore, less weight would be given to their feelings and wishes.

Conclusion:

If you’re involved in a court battle or you’re having to resort to court in order to see your kids, you have my sympathy. It’s tough, really tough and courts are intimidating and confusing places which drain your hard earned cash which would be better spent on the kids.

But don’t give up on your kids. However manipulative and controlling your ex is, one day, your kids will be curious to see you. It’s not a question of ‘if’, just a question of ‘when’. So hang in there and make sure you’re the rational parent!

If you ❤️ this post, check out my recent TEDx talk: Domestic Abuse, not a gender issue, where I describe my experiences of abuse, why I stayed, how I forgave and the wider issues faced by male survivors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HgPICMQLls&t=99s

And follow me on medium for transformational content about productivity, domestic abuse and parental alienation, or visit my website to learn more about working with me and accessing my free, 1-hour, online masterclass, to help you get more done, without getting busier or burnt out.

Andrew Pain is a high performance coach and TEDx speaker, serving people across society, from ex-offenders and the long term unemployed, to senior managers at the NHS and Lloyds Bank, enabling them to live boldly, wisely and with less stress, so they live life on their own terms and realise their most precious dreams. In his spare time, he is a campaigner, passionately believing that in order to effectively tackle domestic abuse, we need to de-gender it.