Dirtbag Arthur Miller

Previously in this series: Dirtbag John Milton.

BIFF enters, skateboarding.

BIFF: more like willy blowman

BIFF exits, skateboarding.

LINDA: oh Biff

when are you going to make something out of your life

BIFF: i went on a job interview today

LINDA: that’s wonderful

how did it go?

BIFF: stole a pen

LINDA: oh Biff

BIFF: s’a good pen

[BIFF leans over and carefully draws a mustache over LINDA’S mouth]

BIFF: see

WILLY: oh god ive lost my job

i’m nothing

i might as well be dead

christ, without a job i can’t feed my family

i need a job

CHARLEY: did you say you lost your job?

WILLY: fuck off charley

CHARLEY: because i would be happy to give you a job with–

WILLY: i said “fuck off Charley”

not “keep talking” and “keep standing in front of my door like a fuckface”

WILLY: they cant just throw me away like that

you can’t just eat the orange and throw the peel away

a man’s not like a piece of–

BIFF: no that’s exactly how you eat an orange

[At WILLY’s funeral]

LINDA: I don’t say he was a great man–

BIFF: no one says that

HAPPY: yeah literally no one says that mom

KATE: Joe

Joe did you realize the engine parts were cracked when you shipped them out?

did you know those planes would crash?

JOE: no

i dont know

i was sick that day

KATE: oh Joe

we’ve got to go to the police

you’ve just got to turn yourself in

JOE: sure thing babe

you got it

let me just grab my coat

[JOE shimmies out the bedroom window, drops into the car, and drives away]

JOE: “did you know those planes would crash”

like anyone can ever actually know anything

ABIGAIL: your wifes a witch probably

JOHN: no she’s not

ABIGAIL: mmm sounds like something a witch would say

REVEREND PARRIS: so you’ve seen some witches, eh

ABIGAIL [lights a cigarette]: ive seen a lot of things

REVEREND PARRIS: who are the witches, girl

name them

ABIGAIL: everybody

REVEREND PARRIS: what, everybody?

ABIGAIL: yeah

REVEREND PARRIS: even me?

ABIGAIL: thats what everybody means

REVEREND PARRIS: who else is a witch?

ABIGAIL: mmm idk

that yellow bird

REVEREND PARRIS: what, the yellow bird on the barn-post?

ABIGAIL: yeah

big old

witch bird

[GILES COREY is being slowly crushed to death under a pile of stones]

REVEREND PARRIS: ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT

GILES COREY: why dont you put some more rocks on me

maybe that’ll help solve the mystery

fucko