It seems to come earlier every year – Mom getting all horned up for the Hallmark Christmas movies all season long. And this year, Mom’s horniness is arriving in record time, as Hallmark started airing their 40 brand new Christmas movies on October 25th – and Mom is raring to go.

’Tis the season to walk in on your mom cozied up on the couch, looking unusually flush-faced as she lays eyes on a handsome Hallmark prince in a thick wool sweater under the mistletoe, softly telling a woman that the most important things in life are free.

“I wouldn’t kick him out of my sleigh,” says your mom, not even hiding how enthusiastically she would fuck a tall, handsome guy who knows how to make a cup of hot cocoa.

You’d think the story line of Emma, an ever-optimistic single mom (played by Tamera Mowry-Housley) looking for a Christmas miracle to write about for the lifestyle magazine where she’s landed a temp job, would be more of a tearjerker for you mom. And it is, but it’s still not stopping her from hugging a pillow a little too hard while admiring the chiseled featured of Emma’s supportive colleague, Daniel.

Sure, some of the Hallmark movies seem a little suggestive, like Engaging Father Christmas or Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas. But no matter how innocuous the title – Hope at Christmas, A Bramble House Christmas, and even Magical Christmas Ornaments – your mom is clearly down to fuck.

At press time, your mom was asking, “You sure you don’t wanna watch with me?” as she playfully brought her bottle of wine into the TV room to finish up a movie about a military widow who rents an apartment to an injured Army Captain.”

“Now that’s a soldier,” she commented, to no one in particular.