Pearls Before Swine and I are running a terrible risk today.

It's a funny gag, but if you mention any computer problem on line, you get comments about how you are using the wrong computer and the wrong operating system and how, if you simply yank out the virtual guts and replace them with brilliant things you invented or can download free from a revolutionary new web site, all your problems will be solved.

Trust me, Car Talk is popular because Ray and Tom don't assume that everyone is a mechanic or (and here's the critical part, O Best Beloved) wants to become one.

If it's a problem anyone can easily fix, or if you tell them that you are a mechanic, Ray and Tom will tell you what to do. Otherwise, they tell you what to say to your mechanic. That is, they answer the question you asked instead of the question they feel you should have asked.

Automotive Analogy #1: I know where the gas goes. I know where the oil goes. I could change the oil if I had to, but then I'd have to find a place to dispose of it and it's not that expensive to have someone else do it. When the car malfunctions, I can usually figure out why, or at least narrow it down to a very few possibilities, which I can discuss with the mechanic. I work with my computer on roughly the same level.

Automotive Analogy #2: The term "foolproof" comes from the early days of automobiles, when Ford sold very basic cars to early adopters who would then tinker with them because, like most early adopters, they were gearheads or fancied they were, and also fancied that they knew how to get better performance out of their cars than the Ford mechanics had built into them.

Then, when they had improved a car to the point where it no longer ran at all, they would write to the Ford Motor Company for help. And the mechanics at Ford probably laughed and snorted like Tom and Ray, but, since radio was, if anything, still at the cat-whisker-and-crystal stage, their amusement didn't translate into money for the company.

In fact, they lost money because they were spending too much time telling people how to undo their own brilliance, and sometimes sending them replacement parts for things that hadn't been defective when they left the plant. So they started working on ways to encase various components in such a manner that the owner could not get to them to improve them.

This they called "fool-proofing" the automobile.

I will say that my last couple of computers have been powerful and fast enough to run Norton's without slowing to a crawl, but I remember Pig's dilemma from a couple of computers ago. And I still get the stupid messages. And I like his solution.

If only it were that simple.

Speaking of "if only it were that simple," something else I remember from a while ago -- and this goes back into the 90s, I suppose -- was some security guy who insisted on his website that most viruses didn't exist, or, more properly, that the vast majority of people who thought they had a virus had, instead, a techie who couldn't figure out how to fix what was wrong and preferred to blame a virus and just tear the whole thing down and start over.

Auto mechanics wish they could do that. "Won't start, eh? You've picked up a virus. We'll have to rebuild your engine."

I suspect he was correct (and I wish I could remember his name), because I've seen it in the office and I've seen it in the marketplace -- not just unnecessarily blaming things on viruses but the urge to improve that which doesn't need it, coupled with the insistence on doing what you think you know how to do instead of what actually needs to be done.

When I bought my first laptop a few years ago, the guy at Best Buy told me the techs there had set it up, removing some unnecessary junk the factory had loaded and then doing some other things so that it would run faster and better.

It was glitchy and kept failing to connect to the Internet and was basically driving me nuts. The first two times it failed, I brought it in and someone did a little of this and that and fixed it, but the next time, they told me my free-service period was over and that they would charge me $75 or $100 to look at it.

My warranty period, however, wasn't over, and I knew that the era when a new computer actually needed to be "set up" had ended long ago.

So I said I wanted to exchange it for a new one, with the stipulation that I wanted one in a factory-sealed box.

And I had virtually no problems with it. And, when I did have a problem, I had one piece of unnecessary factory junk that the Geek Squad had removed from the first one -- the flyer with the toll-free number for free help from Asus.

Turns out the folks at Asus (who are, yes, in Bangalore, get over it) have strong language skills and mad computer skills. Never had to ask them to repeat anything, never had to call back because the fix hadn't worked.

How I miss them.

My current computer, which I've had for a year, is a beast that does all sorts of annoying things but nothing so beastly that it needs to be repaired or sysrestored. But now, between Windows and HP, I feel like I have, not a virus, but a pooka, that declares its own updates and improvements, shutting me down and locking me up at random times but always, it seems, at the worst possible moments.

So far, this has only been an annoyance, and I suppose it's all for my own good, their way of fool-proofing my computing experience.

If I find I can't stand it anymore, I'll ask Pig for the solution. I like the way he thinks.