RWW’s Paranoia-Rama takes a look at five of the week’s most absurd conspiracy theories from the Right.

While gay rights advocates plot to destroy the Constitution and President Obama surreptitiously pushes the country into civil war, only conservative reporter Chuck C. Johnson can stop them. And he will do so by paying anyone with pertinent information to come forward with details about the president’s secret gay affair.

5) Too Late To Stop The ‘Sodomite Tools Of The Devil’

BarbWire content editor Gina Miller thinks it might be too late to stop gay people — or, as she refers to them, “tenacious sodomite tools of the devil” and “slaves of the infamous crime against nature and nature’s God” — in their quest to “crush our God-given, constitutionally protected rights to freedom of religion, speech, conscience and association.”

“Chief Justice Moore’s noble stand notwithstanding, it may be too little, too late for freedom and marriage in the United States,” Miller said of the Alabama Supreme Court chief justice’s vow to defy federal marriage equality rulings. “For many years now, the foot soldiers of the militant homosexual movement have labored tirelessly to infiltrate all the institutions of our nation and spread their vile campaign to ‘mainstream’ perverse sexual behavior in our nation.”

This “satanic movement,” according to Miller, will do away with freedom as we know it:

We are set to watch the Supreme Court possibly issue the “unquestionable” imposition of same-sex “marriage” on the United States. If that happens, we will be on the fast-track to tyranny. It will become illegal to oppose homosexual expression and counterfeit marriage in any way. If the Court does this, it will effectively abolish the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. Do not imagine for a minute that churches will be exempt. They won’t. These tenacious sodomite tools of the devil will not rest until even churches are forced to accommodate the slaves of the infamous crime against nature and nature’s God. Even then, they won’t stop their hellish crusade to establish a dominant Sodom West in these terrible last days.

Sounds like someone read “Gay Revolutionary” and didn’t realize it was satire….

4) Obama’s Gay Affair Will Soon Be Exposed!

Right-wing pundits from Todd Starnes to Jerome Corsi seem convinced that President Obama is gay, with one conspiracy theory alleging that Obama wears an Islamic wedding ring showing his commitment to his secret Muslim husband.

Fortunately, super-reporter Chuck C. Johnson is on the case, floating the idea on Twitter on Wednesday of offering a monetary reward to any men who will come forward with details on their trysts with Obama:

How much money do you think we’d have to raise to find some man who will admit to having had sex with Barack Obama? — Charles C. Johnson (@ChuckCJohnson) February 4, 2015

We can’t wait to see who will come forward to collect the cash prize! Hopefully it’s this guy.

3) Civil War A-Brewin’

Stewart Rhodes of Oath Keepers, a right-wing group that worries concentration camps may soon come to America, is pretty sure that Obama administration officials are “using everything they possibly can, whether it’s Ebola or immigration or riots, and trying to spark a race war, trying to divide and conquer the American people.” A 2013 gun reform law in Connecticut, according to Rhodes, will launch America right into full-blown civil war:

Rhodes isn’t the only one worried about government-incited violence coming to the U.S.

Pat Boone, the musician and Republican activist, for one, thinks that President Obama is about to empty the prisons and “ release all murderers” on the streets of America. This looming crime spree, Boone wrote this week, is apparently proof that Obama wants to transform the country “into a virtual socialist, if not outright communist, society.”

2) Still Fuming About ‘Frozen’

We’ve already learned that Disney’s Frozen is turning kids gay, but is it also waging a war on men?

According to Fox News, the answer is yes.

“Are movies like the Disney smash hit about an ice queen and her sister empowering girls by turning our men into fools and villains?” Fox News host Steve Doocy asked. “What kind of message is that sending to our kids and to all of us?”

Naturally, Fox News invited the head of the anti-feminist group Concerned Women for America to discuss how Frozen and other movies “depict men as evil and cold and bumblers.”

“It’s not just Disney, Hollywood in general has often sent the message that men are superfluous, that they’re stupid, that they’re in the way and if they contribute anything to a family, it’s a paycheck,” Penny Nance said, saying that such films are “tearing down men” and “villainize masculinity.”

“It would be nice for Hollywood to have more male figures in those kinds of movies as heroes,” an oblivious Doocy said.

1) Stop Persecuting Anti-Vaxxers!

There are more than a few conservativevoicescomingtothe defense of the anti-vaccination movement, and Glenn Beck is especially upset about negative portrayals of parents who don’t vaccinate their children following a recent outbreak of measles.

In Beck’s view, anti-vaxxers are being persecuted … just like Galileo.

“Where is anybody saying, ‘my gosh, we’re living in the days of Galileo’?” Beck wondered. “The church has become the state and if you don’t practice their religion exactly the way they tell you to practice it, you’re done.”