In the 16th century, if you could transport it, whatever it was, from of one country and into another, there was no doubt that it could be consumed. There was free movement of goods and people, the age before planning and passports. Today, we brag about our free trade, our internationalism, our global outlook, but it is ridiculous. The world is more segmented by national autarkies now than it was 500 years ago.

My particular outrage today concerns the following height of absurdity.

It turns out the Spain has this highly special ham. Actually, there ought to be some other word than “ham” because it is like no ham I’ve ever had. It is made from something called a black-hoofed pig that is fed acorns exclusively and then the meat is prepared and cured for fully 3 years, and it sells for something like $400 for a leg of the stuff.

In Spain there are special holders for this leg that allow you to cut of super thin slices as you need them. The flavor and texture is indescribable. It is sweet and succulent and there aren’t enough adjectives in the language to explain it.

Of course I was ready to sell my cow-hide shoes to raise the money to buy one of these hams. But then I had some vague memory that customs has a problem with bringing food in. Well, that’s unfortunate of course but I figured that at least I won’t have to throw out my clothes and stick a ham in my bag. I’ll just order one when I get back to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

So I thought first I would google around for a good Spanish ham company. Oh there’s one. But wait! There is no option for shipping to the U.S. I went to another company. Same problem. Again and again. What the heck is going on here.

Well, it turns out that you cannot import this ham to the U.S.. Maybe there is a dodgy smuggling company somewhere that makes it possible. Maybe the Medellin Cartel is taking up the cause. But I seem to lack contacts with this outfit. So I’m completely stuck as is every other American. (Here is one place that offers a substitute but you have to engage in some kind of deposit and it seems rather complicated, and one doesn’t even end up with the right thing.)

Apparently it has something to do with the U.S. Agriculture bureaucracy. They don’t think that this ham is prepared the right away and it might introduce something unhealthy into our system. And don’t you just know that those bureaucrats in Washington are sitting around worrying about health and this is why they have to keep us from doing things like importing dangerous hams?

The U.S. government even publishes a guide to ham safety which I’m sure you check often.

This is preposterous. I’m willing to bet that there is some U.S. ham lobby or something behind this rule.

Can you believe this primitivism? In order to have this great food, one has to board an airplane and fly to Spain and book a hotel and go out to eat. Or you could buy a ham in Spain and camp there for a month, eating it bit by bit. In this age and in our times!

Actually, if you think about it, there is an inconsistency here. If the USDA is really so concerned about protecting me from Spanish hams, why does the government allow me to fly here and eat it? Should the U.S. just ban all travel to Spain for fear that some citizen somewhere might endanger his precious health by eating a ham? Why should it be legal for an American to eat ham in Spain but not the U.S.? And maybe too the U.S. should ban anyone from Spain from coming to the U.S. because perhaps the immigrant is a carrier of the ham disease and could infect the whole population.

There was a time when Kings and Princes and Queens would order explorers around the world to bring back spices, vegetables, and meats from all places. Now our rulers order us not to bring spices, vegetables, and meats from all places but rather to munch only on what can be produced on American soil. This is not progress. This is horrible, and it is a general trend. Look at the tariffs on Argentinian beef, French cheese, and Swiss chocolate?

We live in age of autarky of sorts, and we not even aware of it. Like the Soviet Union of old, the American government is trying to keep us all ignorant of the delights available around the world in order to make us more captive and obedient citizens.

Remember how the Russians began to rebel once technology revealed to them the prosperity available outside its borders and around the world? I swear to you that if every American could get one taste of the forbidden ham, they too might rebel and for the same reasons the Russians did. Or everyone might just be forced to flee to Spain the way people from East Germany would leave for the West.