Get some (Picture: Charlotte Cockell for Metro.co.uk )

Are you wondering why all Tory voters are arseholes? Is your hero-worship of Paddy Losty tempered by incredulity? Have you contemplated relieving yourself over your better half?

Metro’s resident agony uncle Andy has the answers you seek.

Just think of him as a less-s*** Dear Deirdre.

Oh, balls: It’s time to talk about below the belt male hygiene

Fair warning – he’s not a geezer to hold back.


So if you want tips on everything from low-effort parenting to high-functioning alcoholism, drop a line to the scruffy seer of SE15 – Andy Hill.

Baffed mate (Picture: Getty)

Dear Andy, Should every bloke try being gay at least once? I grew up in a conservative, Telegraph-reading household. The more I chat to drunk mates, the more I realise they’ve all dallied at some point, even the most aggressively straight ones. I’m in my late twenties though – has that ship sailed? Starchild

Ahoy there (Picture: Getty)

Dear sweet Starchild,

It’s 2017 dude, get some cock.

I remember the first time I dabbled.

I was like 15-years-old, and an old male school friend sent me some faintly lewd texts, checking if I was up for it.



I’d always tended to favour girls, but was at that pretentious sort of age when one assumes sexual attraction is nowt more than a faintly-bourgeois social construct.

We flirted, a bit, on the down low.

Then one evening, I was bored, there was nothing on telly, and things came to a head (so to speak).

We agreed to meet down an alley off the A10 near Tottenham.

Ambience (Picture: Getty)

We barely said a word.

He knelt, unfastened my trendy Levi’s engineered jeans – all the rage they were, the newfangled spiral seam accentuating the hilarious bulge of my then state-of-the-art Sony Ericsson – and proceeded to go to town.

I gave him 15 minutes, the exact time it took for two W3 buses to rumble across the flyover on the way to Finsbury Park depot.

Nothing really happened.

I retracted in silence and buttoned up, satisfied that I’d given homosexuality a whirl but found it not to my liking.

Honestly, unless you actually ‘walk the walk’, how do you know?

Perversely, and this is probably a generational thing, I love it when straight guy friends ‘fess up to outre homoerotic deeds.

For one thing they tend to really regret sharing come the hung over light of dawn.

Plus, like the well-brought up lads my friends generally are, they thoughtfully ‘reciprocated’ fellatio when their turn came.

It’s the civilised, honourable, polite thing to do, naturally.

But I didn’t – I didn’t much fancy the guy, and it was getting chilly – which, bless, makes my mates feel awful too.

Sucks to be them.

But yeah, get on the cock train.

Andy

Got a question for Andy? Got a burning question you think Andy might be able to answer? Comment below and let us know or email hey@metro.co.uk You can also find Andy on Twitter and Facebook

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