NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired” Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument. “Christ! Stop screaming about the dishes and start screaming about how his mother is the problem!” Stills said to his ceiling, adding in a personal aside that he could barely hear his own thoughts over the petty bickering that masks the male partner’s growing inability to be vulnerable around his romantic companion. “Shut up about whose job it is to clean up after guests leave and simply tell him he never listens to you, which makes you feel like he doesn’t respect you, which, by the way, was a problem with your last boyfriend, making this a particularly sensitive issue for you! For fuck’s sake, do I have to come up there to break this down for you?” At press time, Stills was observed pounding his ceiling with a broom handle and while angrily explaining how the central issue was that his neighbors had not felt close, truly close, to each other for weeks now.

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