Early Thursday morning, the whistle-blower complaint filed against Donald Trump on August 12 was released to the public. For someone maintaining his innocence, it doesn’t look great! According to the allegations, deemed credible by the inspector general, not only did the president try to get Ukraine to meddle in the 2020 election by investigating Joe Biden, but Attorney General William Barr and Trump’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, were part of the effort (which Barr denies). On top of all that, according to the whistle-blower, “senior White House officials...intervened to ‘lock down’ all records of the phone call” between Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, and were allegedly “directed” by White House lawyers to “remove the electronic transcript from the computer system in which such transcripts are typically stored” and load the transcript “into a separate electronic system that is otherwise used to store and handle classified information of an especially sensitive nature.”

Naturally, all this has led to a Category 5, Chernobyl-level meltdown from the president, who either, in a rare flash of self-awareness, realizes how bad this all looks, or remains too dumb to understand just how how damning the revelations are. Over the course of his morning musings, he asserted:

That what he did—i.e., allegedly attempted to get a foreign power to meddle in the 2020 election for his benefit—isn’t that big of a deal:

That the whistle-blower, whose account was deemed credible by the inspector general and matches up with the readout released by the White House, isn’t credible:

That this is all a scheme to hurt the Republican party:

That the stock market will collapse if he is impeached (a favorite threat whenever he’s backed against a wall):

That the whistle-blower—whose identity is a secret, and whose allegations were found credible and “urgent” by the inspector general—is a political hack:

That this is all a cover-up to protect Joe Biden:

Naturally these ravings were supplemented by dozens of retweets. Those who received the presidential shout-out include...

His son:

Geraldo Rivera:

This guy:

And his own campaign, which claimed that the readout of the Zelensky conversation—released by the White House!—was somehow edited by the media:

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