You know, a lot of people think this job is easy. “Ooh, just put a few words together—doesn’t even matter if they’re spelled correctly, clearly.” You know what? You’re wrong. If you knew what we put ourselves through to produce this content—award-winning content, if my mom is to believed—then you would thank us on bended knee.

Case in point. I have just spent the last four and a half minutes, brow furrowed, teeth gritted, watching the entirety of Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak’s first appearance on Dancing with the Stars, which we reported on last month. How was it?

In a word: MY EYES.

Now, some of you will nitpick and say “Hey, that’s two words.” To you I say “MY $#%^! EYES.” Let me offer you a few more choice words: Pink. Feathered. Boa. I don’t know if I can go any further than that without some serious counseling. And that's nice compared to the recaps from Television Without Pity and Entertainment Weekly.

If you think this is all too harsh, then brace yourself, because you haven’t heard the judges yet. Woz ended up scoring at the bottom of the pack with a 13 out of a possible 30. To be fair, Woz was a good sport about it, even attempting to crack a joke about…drug-testing? Really? (Honestly though, it beat out the most awkward joke of the night, a misplaced one-liner about Safari by host Tom Bergeron—whatsamatter, Tom, producers nix your shot about getting Xcode to cross compile?)

For your safety, we've tucked the video after the jump. You've been warned.

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Let’s go to the video t—oh god:

Fortunately for Steve, his fate does not rest entirely in the hands of the professionals, as the American public also factors in the elimination decisions that start next week. Woz’s geek following is likely to mobilize a fair number of people, and that could save Steve and his partner from having to depart the show in disgrace.

Wait. Does that mean I have to watch another five minutes of him dancing? How about we mobilize the Internet to get me a raise?