I’m pretty sure that, while I very often suck at the things I do, I have never been a part of any endeavor that could have been called a complete failure of the umpteenth degree.

Then I tried to go to Costco on Saturday.

The plan was simple, elegantly so. Jackie and I were to go to the park next to Costco in order to release Muenster (the fourth mouse we’ve caught), and then enter the store. Once inside, I was going to buy one of their large (but amazingly cheap!) sushi platters and Jackie wanted to pick up some broccoli. After our amazingly tasty and thrifty purchases were made, we’d head home and snack on our delicious foodstuffs.

Here’s what actually happened.

We got to the park and, similar to when we released Cheddar, Jackie readied the camera to snap a shot. I opened the trap, and Muenster… kinda just sat there. He rolled over, belly up, took one look at us, and seemed to keel over. The other mice we let go were super jumpy, ridiculously excited to escape their captivity. Muenster seemed to have given up. While bummed, I felt better knowing that we were three for four on rescuing mice.

Next, we entered Costco. After scooping up a clam chowder sample we made a beeline for the prepared foods section where… the jumbo sushi platters were gone. Curses. There were some little ones still there, but I passed. No worries though, we were off to the vegetables section… which was roped off because there were forklifts in there.

There would be no tomorrow for Muenster. There would be no sushi. There would be no broccoli.

Not to have the trip end in a total loss, we stopped by the Costco Liquor store, where I purchased a bottle of cheap-o Champagne (which I guess was really sparkling wine since it wasn’t from Champagne) and Jackie walked out with a box of red wine. Everything seemed fine until…

BEEP BOOP

A nearby cop car briefly sounded its alarm while we were walking back. I took a quick look at the officers, confused, and kept walking.

BEEP BOOP

The car followed us, and once we stopped, the officers asked me to come to the car.

“How’re you doing?” the passenger side cop asked.

I said some variation of “I’m fine” in response and was still utterly confused at what was going on.

“Enjoying the bottle?” said the officer, looking at the Champagne in my hand.

I still didn’t really know why he was asking me about the wine, but said that I had just purchased it from Costco, was walking home, and would enjoy it later.

The cop gave me a hollow smile, turned to his… co-cop I guess… and drove off. Still confused, Jackie explained to me that since I was holding the neck of the bottle, it appeared as though it was open and I was drinking in public, which is illegal, causing the cops to stop me. Awesome.

So to recap, Jackie and I left our apartment with the intention of freeing a mouse so that he may live, and purchasing some sushi and broccoli.

The mouse died, we bought wine, and I got stopped by the police. Failure is too weak a word.