Unlearning Purity Culture: Q&A with the Founder of No Shame Movement

Christian “purity culture,” which promotes the belief that sex outside of heterosexual marriage is sinful and offensive to God, has been covered extensively on this blog, from the bizarre “Push-Ups for Purity” challenge and the Liberty Counsel endorsed Purity Bear (that urges teens to abstain from sex until marriage), to the militaristic Every Man’s Battle for Purity and the unforgettable “Christian Ladies (Purity Ring On It)”, a parody of the Beyoncé megahit.

But although it’s a somewhat easy (although deserving) target for ridicule, there’s also a very dark and damaging side to purity culture, and many who decide to leave it often struggle with developing a healthy attitude toward sex. So I was glad to recently discover No Shame Movement, which “functions as a platform to share stories of unlearning purity culture.” I caught up with its founder recently to learn more.

How did No Shame Movement come about?

No Shame Movement began as a Twitter conversation back in early 2013. I was talking with other “recovering conservative” Christians about Christian bloggers who would lament the damage done by shaming sexual desires, yet at the same time draw the same conclusion: everyone should wait until marriage. In the end, it didn’t seem like they were condemning purity culture, but simply offering a kinder, gentler version. Saying, “Shaming people for sex outside of marriage is bad!” followed by “But still, ummm…wait till marriage, k?” is still enforcing the SAME view of sexuality as purity culture. A subway rat dressed up in a bowtie and top hat is still…a subway rat.

We wanted there to be an alternative to just “reframing” the concept of purity culture, and eventually came up with the hashtag #noshamemov that could serve as a platform for people to share their own stories of being shamed for sexual desires and their journey towards a healthier view of sexuality. This idea was inspired by #girlslikeus, the hashtag started by Janet Mock to empower trans women.

It also seemed that many posts on purity culture were mostly framed through the perspective of white, straight, cisgender women, and a platform that was more inclusive was necessary.

Can you talk about what it means to “unlearn purity culture” and why you feel that’s important?

First I want to clarify the definition: purity culture holds the view that any kind of sexual behavior (including thoughts) outside of a heterosexual marriage is sin. Unlearning purity culture means developing a view of sexuality that doesn’t include shame for having sexual thoughts or desires, let alone acting on them in a safe, consensual way that respects boundaries. Many who have internalized purity culture constantly feel guilty for every sexual thought that comes into their head, for engaging in self-pleasure, or for being sexually active. These are things that are a part of human nature!

One of the most commons lessons enforced in purity culture is that your body is not your own, and that when you engage in any physical activities, you’re “dishonoring” your future spouse (assuming, of course, you want to/can legally/can afford to get married). The other most common lesson is that premarital sex is sinful and dirty and will ruin your life and make you miserable. Well, guess what happens when you have premarital sex? Self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead of dictating what people should do with their bodies, they should be encouraged to make healthy autonomous choices. This is why unlearning is so important.

There was actually a great post that came out a few months that addressed why simply “reframing” purity culture doesn’t go far enough.

What is your background in relation to Christianity and purity culture? And how did you get where you are today?

I grew up in a mostly conservative Christian environment. My mother had “the talk” with me when I was eight, but it was always clear that sex was something that should be saved for marriage (and was dirty in ANY other context). This was also enforced at the conservative Christian school I attended in middle and high school. I have no memory of learning anything about how my body worked, but plenty about how I should “honor” my future spouse by not getting busy until I meet him, whenever that would be. I was also taught that as a girl, my clothing had some mysterious MAGICAL power to cause boys to turn into lust-driven beasts in danger of stumbling in their walk with God and that I should cover up.

I can’t remember waking up one day and deciding I no longer believed this; it was more of a slow process. Much of it happened through candid conversations with other Christian female friends who chose to be sexually active. Also, the older I got (with marriage nowhere in sight) the more I realized that living that way was simply unsustainable. It’s still a learning process, but each day I grow farther and farther way from the internalized self-loathing I felt for never being “pure” enough.

Do you still identify as Christian?

I do identify as Christian, but that meaning has shifted since I was younger. I recognize that much of U.S. Christianity is influenced by culture, and that what we practice now would likely be unrecognizable to early Christians. I no longer believe that one needs religion to be moral (growing up in the church taught me that) and that faith is a personal decision for everyone.

Why did you decide to be anonymous?

Two main reasons: I work for a Christian company and want to avoid trouble, and the content on No Shame Movement wouldn’t go over well with most of my family.

Can you give us some examples of the types of stories that are commonly shared through No Shame Movement?

I hear from a lot of people (mostly women) who talk about carrying sexual shame into marriage. All of a sudden they’re “allowed” to engage in something they’ve been told was dirty most of their lives, and the adjustment is often difficult. Also, a lot of people talk about the terrible analogies they were given about premarital sex: comparing people to chewed up gum, used tape, used cars, and other items that are deemed “worthless.” Because much of purity culture centers on policing the bodies of women, that tends to be the demographic I hear from the most.

What advice would you give to someone who is immersed in purity culture, but might be too scared or not know how to leave that world but wants to?

Whew, where to start. First and foremost: there is nothing wrong with you. You are human, and having sexual thoughts and urges is COMPLETELY natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Your thoughts and your “fleshly desires” (as I often heard growing up) aren’t your enemy, or something you need to fight against.

YOU have control over your own body, as well as who has access to it. Not your family, religious leader, significant other, or future spouse, but YOU. Having autonomy over your body includes deciding when YOU are ready to have sex, and no one has the right to shame you for the decisions you make, including the decision to abstain. Your self-worth is NOT tied to your sexual choices.

If it’s possible, seek out someone you trust with whom you can have candid conversations about sex, without judgment. If that’s not an option, seek out an online community where you can have these conversations. Most importantly: don’t feel guilty for questioning what you’ve been taught.

What are your main goals for No Shame Movement?

Well, the movement has been growing organically, so I hope that continues. It began as a hashtag, then turned into a Twitter account, then a Tumblr page. My main goal is to provide a platform that is a safe, non-judgmental space for people to share their stories with others with similar experiences, and to encourage each other. For many people, just knowing they’re not alone and there are others out there with similar struggles is the first important step in unlearning internalized shame.

I want people to view NSM as a movement that is inclusive, regardless of race, class, sexual orientation, gender identity, or religious affiliation. I view my role as mainly a facilitator, and try not to inject my own voice too much in the conversation. NSM is about having honest conversations that flesh out the ways purity culture is enforced and internalized, and how to move beyond this.