So, I have scoured through every single press conference transcript from the 2013 Australian Open. Below, in no particular order, are all of the exchanges that made me laugh:

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Sometimes it’s hard being Maria Sharapova.

Q. Did [the collarbone injury] ruin your Christmas? MARIA SHARAPOVA: Not at all. It actually gave me an extra couple days at home. I had more time to wrap (smiling). Just what I need in my life, another few presents to wrap.

#mariasigh

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Samantha Stosur pressers in Australia are always a bit cringe-worthy, but there were some light-hearted moments this year:

Q. Have you seen the Sam Stosur versus Ovas video? SAMANTHA STOSUR: Yes. Q. What did you think? SAMANTHA STOSUR: Pretty funny. Never seen anything like that before. Thought it was pretty cool. Q. You’re not near any Ovas in the draw. Does that disappoint you? SAMANTHA STOSUR: No. But to be honest, I haven’t seen the draw. I have no idea who is near me. At the end of the day, it is what it is. I know there’s a lot of Ovas around.

The thought of Stosur watching this video has made my life.

Of course, the Aussie press doesn’t know when to leave well-enough alone:

Q. Last year’s result, is that a little bit of a help this year? SAMANTHA STOSUR: I wouldn’t say it’s a help (laughter).

In case you forgot, Stosur lost in the first round last year.

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Federer tells the Aussie press to SLOW DOWN:

Q. Is [Tomic] a player you can see jumping into the top 10 in the next 12 months? ROGER FEDERER: I think we should go step by step, see how it goes. Let’s speak in a year’s time. Everybody wants to jump from — what’s his ranking, 60? — to 10 in a year. It’s hard to do. 10 is a big ask. Don’t forget how tough the top 10 players are right now. Yeah, let’s go step by step.

And then PseudoFed stops by! #humble:

Q. Now that you made the experience of playing in South America, can you explain the enthusiasm you felt there? Wouldn’t it make sense to have a bigger tournament there that players like you could play every year there? ROGER FEDERER: Look, this was obviously very unique because there was a big focus and emphasis on me showing up because they’ve never maybe seen me play live over there. So the excitement level was sky high, you know.

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Andre Agassi is back to provide some sound advice to the current No. 1’s competitors:

Q. Djokovic is sort of dominating now here. What do you make of him as a player, and how would you have gone about beating him? ANDRE AGASSI: Let’s see (laughter). I would have probably gotten in a fight with him in the locker room before the match. I might have had a chance. Maybe there. I don’t know.

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Djokovic talks about the intangibles:

Q. Have you noticed a change in Andy Murray’s demeanor since the Olympics and New York? NOVAK DJOKOVIC: He has a shorter haircut (smiling).

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Hewitt provides some insight into the career of Janko Tipsarevic:

Q. Is he an underrated player, do you think? LLEYTON HEWITT: If he plays like that all the time, he is. I don’t think he does play like that all the time. Q. You think he rose to the occasion a bit tonight? LLEYTON HEWITT: He played as well as he could play, there’s no doubt about it. Yeah, he’s only won four titles. There’s not too many guys in the top 10 consistently that have only won four titles. So there’s something missing there.

***

Heather Watson puts things into perspective:

Q. Was the crowd very helpful today? HEATHER WATSON: Oh, yeah, the crowd were awesome. I didn’t expect there to be so many people for the first round on like a backcourt, but it was unbelievable. Q. One of the best atmospheres you’ve played in? HEATHER WATSON: Uhm, yeah, I think playing Centre Court Wimbledon was a great atmosphere, too (smiling). But, yeah, it was good today.

***

Stosur won a match:

Q. Do you feel like a fridge has been lifted off your shoulders? SAMANTHA STOSUR: Well, obviously I feel very happy, a little bit relieved, and, yeah, just nice to get through that first round finally. You know, from here hopefully I can loosen up a little bit and keep playing better and better.

Dear God Australia, WHY WAS THERE A FRIDGE ON HER SHOULDERS? That’s not normal.

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Watch out for Venus:

Q. Are you still trying to maintain that kind of vegan whatever diet? VENUS WILLIAMS: Yeah I think it’s pretty well known I’m a cheagan. Q. What do you get to cheat with when you get to cheat? VENUS WILLIAMS: If it’s on your plate I might get to cheat. If you’re sitting next to me, good luck. You turn your head once and your food might be gone. (Laughing.) I’m not perfect, but I try.

Seriously though. Venus is the best:

Q. I have heard Hisense is a lot slower than the outer courts that maybe you practiced on also. Did you sense that at all today? VENUS WILLIAMS: I’m a very unsensitive player. (Laughter.) I can’t sense anything almost. No feel. Yeah, I’m not the one to ask because I don’t notice differences that much. I just play, and I don’t care if the racquet is tight or not tight. I just play. So I’m not really a sensitive player.

The. Best:

Q. A couple of Miami tournament questions. They made a few improvements last year, temporary, but they have pretty much been okayed to revamp the site and everything. You have been going there. It’s your home tournament. How important do you think it is for them to kind of upgrade that facility? VENUS WILLIAMS: Well, obviously you have to update. Don’t be late. That’s one of my mottos. You don’t want to keep wearing the mullet when it’s not the ’80s anymore. (Laughter.)

THE. BEST:

Q. Where are those gold medals?



VENUS WILLIAMS: I have hid them in a sack. Yeah. (Smiling.) One day if I become a statistic and I lose all my money, then I have to melt the gold off the top.

***

Wu Di was totally fine until you guys started asking him if he was fine:

Q. How did it feel to make history as the first male player in main draw? Did you feel any extra pressure because of this? WU DI: I been asked the question so many times. I’m not nervous, but I think after so many times I’m pretty nervous now.

***

Kimiko is spilling secrets. Everyone take notes:

Q. What is your secret to playing so well at 42? KIMIKO DATE KRUMM: It’s nothing. Just I eat a lot; I sleep a lot. Last night I was in the bed before 10:00. I finished the dinner already 7:30. Sleep before 10:00 like the kids (laughter).

***

Oh Jo. I want to hear that song.

Q. When the draw was made, was it one of those, I wish this didn’t happen to me? JANKO TIPSAREVIC: I was going to practice on Margaret Court and Jo was practicing there. He started laughing at me. He said, Who is going to play on center court, singing like a song. I said, No, please.

***

Update: Murray still thinks bananas are pathetic. Glad that’s been settled.

Q. When did you start refueling with bananas? ANDY MURRAY: I mean, I’ve always kind of had to eat them just because of what they have in them. It’s good for you in long matches. Just still not a fan.

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Li Na, ladies and gentlemen. Li Na:

Q. How is the ankle and how is the head? LI NA: Don’t ask (laughter). After the match, I was feeling like, How many years I didn’t falling down in the court? I mean, it was amazing today. It was twice on the court even. Maybe like 5% I was falling down again. What are you doing on the court, like juniors. Q. It seemed like after the loss in 2011 you were a little more happy. After this one, a few more tears. LI NA: Because I’m not falling down two years ago, right (laughter)? Q. Why do you think you fell down? LI NA: Because I’m stupid (smiling).

***

You guys, don’t give her that number. We need to keep Nole away from RedFoo.

Q. Last year you won and Novak won the men’s. In the end of the year, you both claimed the top spot. Are you going to text him something about that? VICTORIA AZARENKA: If I’m going to text him? Q. Yes. VICTORIA AZARENKA: Can you give me his phone number, then I’ll do that (laughter)?

***

I want to hear the non-games answer to this question:

Q. What do you think are the main differences between Azarenka and Sharapova? LI NA: You mean in the games? Q. Yes. LI NA: I was a little bit worried (laughter).

***

I don’t think we have the same definition of “checking each other out”:

Q. You spoke earlier in the week about the good manners that exist between the players. There definitely seemed to be a bit of feeling between the two of you after 6 5 in the fourth. Can you talk about that. Was there an exchange between you? ROGER FEDERER: I mean, it wasn’t a big deal anyway. We just looked at each other one time. That’s okay, I think, in a three and a half hour match. We were just checking each other out for bit.

No, I mean, that wasn’t a big deal for me. I hope not for him.

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Who knows their I.Q.?

Q. Where do you see Li Na’s level of play right now? A solid top five or potential No. 1? MARIA SHARAPOVA: Mathematics, I was never really good at it.

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Nole speaks the truth:

Q. What kind of treatment did you give Leconte? NOVAK DJOKOVIC: I was late because I gave a treatment to Leconte. The diagnosis we determined with my assistant is that he’s definitely crazy. He needs a long term treatment (smiling).

***

Just read this whole thing:

Q. Have you ever tried to ask Max the question about, Who would you root for? MARIA SHARAPOVA: I think we know the answer to that (laughter). Q. What’s the answer? MARIA SHARAPOVA: Ask him (smiling). Let’s call him into a press conference. Q. He roots for more deals, huh? MARIA SHARAPOVA: I think when you’ve worked with someone for as many years as we have, it’s beyond money and deals. And he’s fine, I mean. Q. Especially as the CEO of Sugarpova. MARIA SHARAPOVA: Well, he gave himself that title. I don’t know a CEO that’s ever just given himself the title of a CEO, but I guess he’s a great example. Q. According to Forbes, Li Na is the second most paid female athlete in the world. MARIA SHARAPOVA: Since when do we pay attention to Forbes? Q. Do you feel like it’s an interesting thing to know? MARIA SHARAPOVA: Do you? Q. You are the most paid. MARIA SHARAPOVA: Do you think that they have my pass code to my bank account? Q. I don’t know. MARIA SHARAPOVA: Well, think about it (smiling). Q. Have you ever gave out some Sugarpova to the girls or your rivals or Li Na? MARIA SHARAPOVA: No. Mostly the ATP players are taking them. It doesn’t seem like they have any diet restrictions. I think the girls are very cautious with the sugar. The guys, they don’t care. I heard in their meeting they’re just all over it. Q. Maybe Li Na can bring a bag to China and do a promotion for you. MARIA SHARAPOVA: I think I can do that, too.

***

And then…

Q. If you play her, who do you think Max will root for? LI NA: I think Max just eat sugar and be somewhere else. You couldn’t find him. Be just like, Oh, good shot, you know. Yeah, this is Max. He is going to change something.

***

I feel like he’s tried this at home. At least once.

Q. Regarding big muscles, we saw Djokovic ripping his shirt. What goes through your mind when you see a guy do this? Could you do this? ROGER FEDERER: That’s exactly what I won’t do. Other guys do other things. I’m happy that we’re not all the same. I’m definitely not going to do that, especially with my little left arm. It would be a bit embarrassing to do that (laughter).

***

Most random question of the tournament goes to:

Q. If you would have a second life, would you love to be a tennis ball?

SERENA WILLIAMS: A tennis ball? Absolutely not. I have no desire to be hit around. No pun intended. We should probably end this. It’s late and my mind is not clear right now.

***

Kiri dun curr:

Q. How surprised would you be if Serena didn’t win the tournament? MARIA KIRILENKO: Well, I don’t care now, to be honest.

***

I’m trying to figure out what story this reporter was working on:

Q. The history of tennis, I think you are the first Jeremy. How come? Is the name of your family? JEREMY CHARDY: Jeremy? Q. Yes. JEREMY CHARDY: I don’t know (smiling). I don’t know, sorry. Q. Did you have other Jeremys in the family? JEREMY CHARDY: No, first one.

***

Ben Rothenberg, bringing the heat:

Q. If you were to make a new Sugarpova flavor based on your first four matches, what would it be called? MARIA SHARAPOVA: I think you get a bag for that (laughter). Oh, I don’t know. Q. Happypova? MARIA SHARAPOVA: I don’t know. I would call it steamy, but just for different reasons. (Laughter.) You know what I’m talking about, Max. Russian questions now (laughter).

***

Oh how I wish it HAD been a dream:

Q. What is the biggest problem? Forearm or your leg? GILLES SIMON: It’s everything. (Laughter.) Q. Could you just clear up for us, please, what happened after the match? Were you taken to hospital, or were you just treated here? GILLES SIMON: No, just here. But, yes, I was in a bad shape. I felt I played the end of the match like in a dream, like I was not even on the court. I was just hitting the ball, trying to run, trying to catch it, and not thinking anymore. I was too tired to be happy or upset or thinking or I think at the end of the match I just, you know, completely lost control.

I mean, I think we all know who asked this question:

Q. Andy has worked an awful lot on his physique, and he’s got such a strong guy. Do you sometimes wish you could be a big muscled player? GILLES SIMON: There is no way I will be one day like him, first, because 10 centimeters more is not easy, even if you work out.

***

Roger Federer doesn’t have a future as a motivational speaker:

Q. He says you always had encouraging words for him. Why do you do that? ROGER FEDERER: Well, I mean, I didn’t say that much. But it’s true. Patrick Rafter asked me in Sydney, was it last year, I don’t know anymore, two years ago, when I played him in Davis Cup, after the tie was over, it was obviously an incredible — the situation was unbelievable. We had to come back the next day for six points with Lleyton and Stan. Pat asked me if I couldn’t give any advice to Bernard. He asked Bernard to come. I just spoke to Bernard to come for five or ten minutes. I gave him what I thought he should improve on. Things didn’t go better for him after that.

***

Serena traveled to Kharkiv, don’t ask her to talk about it:

Q. Can you talk a little bit about Jamie Hampton? She nearly beat Victoria today. What did you see about her game when she was your practice partner in Kharkiv? SERENA WILLIAMS: I thought she was great in Kharkiv, Kharkov, I don’t know (laughter). I’m blank. I loved hitting with her. I thought she was just an open gem. It looks like she finally cracked open and she’s showing her true colors.

***

This is the most David Ferrer quote of all time. It didn’t make me laugh, but I wanted to share:

Q. Are you confident within yourself about how you’re feeling? DAVID FERRER: I am confidence for to will fight after tomorrow.

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So *that’s* who killed American tennis:

Q. What was the difference from your point of view? What gave you the victory? STANISLAS WAWRINKA: First, I think I was playing very good. That make a little bit the difference. Q. Were you aware that was the last American in the tournament? STANISLAS WAWRINKA: You know, it’s not my first problem. I play at US Open and it was always the last American. It’s not the first time I play when it’s the last American in a Grand Slam.

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Classy.

Q. What is the camera for? JANKO TIPSAREVIC: This? Is actually Eurosport. It’s a blog that I do. I just videotape (beep) during the day and I post it.

***

She’s the boss.

Q. You looked a bit frustrated at Jiang Shan today. You said, Do this. LI NA: Yes. Q. Yeah? Why? LI NA: Just want to do it.

***

So it really is good luck?

Q. Is it in some ways more satisfying the fact that it was kind of you didn’t play quite as fluidly as you did in New York and therefore more satisfying? LAURA ROBSON: Well, I would say all the wins are equally satisfying, but this one was probably the toughest in terms of, you know, how long the match was and how up and down it was. I think the turning point of the match, it seems, was when my agent got pooped on by a bird. (Laughter.)

***

Poor Juliette.

Q. One of the most unusual gifts you were given after Wimbledon, the cow Juliette. How’s she doing now? ROGER FEDERER: She’s not around anymore. That was a long time. You’re living in the past. She’s long gone. I think her daughter’s gone, too. So way behind.

***

Fun? What’s fun?

Q. Is it fun having the British women like Watson and Robson around? ANDY MURRAY: Fun? I haven’t spent that much time with them.

Let’s leave the past in the past.

Q. On a fashion note, to be silly, Robredo and Berdych seem to be wearing shorter shorts. It’s like from the ’70s. Would you ever see yourself in those type of shorts? ANDY MURRAY: I actually wore a pair at Wimbledon when I was with Fred Perry that were short. Not quite like what Ivan and those guys used to wear on the court. I can’t see a return to them, to be honest. Yeah, they were a bit too short. Didn’t leave too much to the imagination (smiling).

***

Stop pushing your agenda, Steffi.

Q. In your comeback in the last three or four years, have you heard from any of those women? If so, what have they said? Like Steffi, Sabatini, any of the women you played with in the ’90s, have they reached out to you? KIMIKO DATE KRUMM: Have they told me something? Q. Have they got in touch with you? KIMIKO DATE KRUMM: If I see them, for example, this morning I met Iva Majoli, and she said, Good job yesterday. So keep going. Everybody say to me, You are crazy. First word is always, You are crazy. But they support me a lot. Rennae Stubbs, she’s from here, so we meet every day. Then we talk a lot. Raymond is still playing doubles. When I see Steffi, of course, she say to me, You should stop now and make the baby (laughter). And Davenport, Lindsay, Mary Joe, Conchita, Arantxa Sanchez. I don’t see so much Gaby. But many ex-tennis player, yeah, talking and laughing, yes.

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#hashtag

Q. Has that ever happened to you before, taking your own racquet to the face?



SERENA WILLIAMS: Yeah, I think it happens to everyone, but I have never busted it wide open like that. So, yeah, I was like, Oh, no. I can’t have a tooth fall out. That would be horrible. Q. When you said busted open, did you bleed? SERENA WILLIAMS: Busted wide open. (Laughter.) Q. Wide open? SERENA WILLIAMS: And it runs together like busted wide open. Q. Hashtag. SERENA WILLIAMS: Thank you.

***

Who is Jamie Hamilton?

Q. Jamie Hamilton has Azarenka next. How well do you know her? SERENA WILLIAMS: I know Jamie. She was my hitting partner in Fed Cup when we played in Ukraine. So she’s playing really well. I think she has a lot of potential, and I think she sees that she does now, and so she’s playing better.

***

Jo talks about Roger Rasheed:

Q. You hired a coach at the end of last year, right? I was just wondering why you decided to make that step after playing without a coach for so long. JO WILFRIED TSONGA: You know, because my career, you know, was always about step. You know, you always try to improve something in your game or in your mind or anyway, you try to improve. Sometimes you have a coach and sometimes you need to be alone, you know, to, how do I say that? Yeah, you need to be alone, to no, I don’t know how to say that. (Smiling.) (In French.) To think, you know, to think about all your game, all what you want, all your expectation. So for me it was good to be alone at this time, and then I did another step and I decide to come back to a coach. That’s it.

Thanks for clearing that up, Jo.

***

Seriously, who is Jamie Hamilton?

Q. Since those interviews, has it come into your mind about what you might need to do in terms of playing those two players? VICTORIA AZARENKA: I actually haven’t played either of them. I know Jamie Hamilton a little bit. I don’t know the other girl. I’m sure my coach is going to go watch. I have a little bit of idea how Jamie plays, and we will see. You know, I can only talk about her, since I know her a little bit.

***

Have I mentioned that Venus is the best?

Q. Have you gotten any compliments on your dress? VENUS WILLIAMS: Yeah, I get a lot of compliments on my dress. Q. What do people say? VENUS WILLIAMS: They love the color. I love your dress. It’s a nice style. Women’s players, men’s players, people working around. That’s been very satisfying because I work hard on the designs. I’ll spend all day and all night on the designs. I eat hot fries usually during the design sessions. Then the one time that I didn’t, I couldn’t think of anything, so I ordered some hot fries. I got there the next day, and, bam, I had the best ideas. But since that time I’ve really had to discontinue that. I can’t eat the hot fries. I credit all these designs to hot fries. Q. Are they like spicy French fries? VENUS WILLIAMS: Oh, they are so spicy, and I just keep eating ’em and it hurts. I just pop ’em away. It’s still vegan because it’s somewhat a potato. It’s just very processed, extremely processed. Probably poisonous (laughter). Yeah, I don’t know why. It’s just always been part of the design. When I design, I eat hot fries.

***

So far, so good.

Q. Have you enjoyed your first 48 hours on Twitter?

MARIA SHARAPOVA: I’m a rookie. There are a lot of things I’m still learning about. I’m just starting to follow things and people. Now I’m learning how to, is it hashtag things, right? That was a new one for me. But it’s interesting. I mean, I won’t be doing it like every single minute. I won’t be telling people what I’m eating. I think that’s very non-interesting. But when I do have things to say, I’m sure I will. Last night I was watching this match I really wanted to say something about the commentating going on, but I really bit my tongue on that one. I was like, Isn’t that what Twitter is for, to open up? Itself like, No, no. Q. Andy Roddick has been doing that. He’s been criticizing commentating since he retired also on Twitter. MARIA SHARAPOVA: Well, it’s not like he didn’t when he was playing, so…

Touche.

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This might be my favorite friendship ever.

Q. Can you tell me something about your next round [against Julia Goerges]? JIE ZHENG: I know her. We played the doubles last year in Dubai. Also we’re good friends. She call me J.Z.; I call her J.G.

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In case you didn’t know this, Jerzy Janowicz is NUTS:

Q. What exactly frustrated you out there on court? JERZY JANOWICZ: Mostly only first set because the umpires, they’re making so many mistakes. One of the most important mistake was set point in this tiebreak, 9 8. Was shanked forehand from Devvarman. The ball was really slow. It was clean out. I was already happy. I was already shouting, C’mon. But the referees didn’t say anything. This was the moment when I went nuts. Otherwise the rest of the match I was pretty calm. Q. Do you have any regrets about the things you did on the court in terms of when you went nuts? JERZY JANOWICZ: Well, sometimes happens like this. You can’t control your emotions all the time. This was really big point for me. We played this set for more than 1 hour, 10 minutes, so this was really important point for me. Actually, I went nuts. I calmed down little bit later on. Sometimes I have problem to control my emotions, but I’m trying to work on this. Q. What exactly did you do to calm yourself down and come back to win that match? JERZY JANOWICZ: I don’t really know. I was all the time trying to be focused. I was all the time telling myself to fight for every single ball. And somehow I just relaxed. I have no explanation why. Q. Have you gone as nuts as that in a match before? JERZY JANOWICZ: Yeah (smiling). Q. Have you hit the umpire’s chair before? JERZY JANOWICZ: Maybe (smiling). Q. Do you expect to get in trouble for that? JERZY JANOWICZ: No, no. I got warning only because I was shouting. I didn’t say anything bad. I was only shouting, so this was the problem. Because umpire told me I got a warning because I was shouting. They play some matches around us, so this was the problem. I didn’t say anything bad, so I hope I not have to pay. Q. Did you surprise yourself? Given what happened at the end of the first set and then you lost the second quite easily, it looked like you were gone. JERZY JANOWICZ: No, I’m really strange person, and anyway always I’m fighting till the end. Even when I’m going nuts sometimes, I’m always trying to win no matter what. If I surprise myself? Yeah, maybe, because it never happen to me before. I was never losing two sets to love, so this is some kind of surprise for me.

***

Sam Querrey has finally become a professional:

Q. Percentage-wise how much more of that recovery type of work are you doing now than, say, two or three years ago?

SAM QUERREY: 500% more. (Laughter.) I spend two and a half hours on the table every day stretching before practice, stretching after practice, you know, recovery drink. When I go back now I’ll do, you know, I’ll do a massage and acupuncture, loosen up the neck. We’ve got these new boot things we put on that kind of pressurizes the legs. So tons more. Q. Boot things? SAM QUERREY: I don’t know if they’re called. I don’t even want to talk about it because I will sound stupid.

(Too late.)

***

Yes, Andy. We noticed.

Q. Physically are you exactly where you want to be body wise? Not so much fitness, but you seem to fill your shirt out perhaps even more than you did 12 months ago. ANDY MURRAY: Most of the weight that I put on is in my legs, but the T shirt I’m wearing is tighter. It’s not that I’m any bigger in my upper body. It’s just because of the tightness of the T shirt, maybe it appears that way.

This might be my favorite:

Q. Did you check in which half of the draw Janowicz is in? ANDY MURRAY: It wasn’t the first thing I did when I saw the draw, no. I didn’t focus on that too much.

***

Did I miss anything? What were your favorite presser moments? And can you guys believe it’s over?