by Sunny Hundal

Dear readers,

As you know it’s a tough life being a right-wing commentator when you have to deal with political correctness, complete political domination by liberal elites, and an oppressive media where literally nothing can be discussed unless first cleared by eco-feminazis and Diversity Officers.

This fearless breed of truth-tellers are always at hand to explain how the left is to blame for the latest atrocity, from terriorist attacks in Norway to burning buses in London. Nothing will escape their sharp gaze.

To help you digest the forests of newspaper comment, I’ve compiled a quick list of commentators and their definitive answer to what caused the riots across the UK.

1. Max Hastings: Years of liberal dogma have spawned a generation of amoral, uneducated, welfare dependent, brutalised youngsters

Reasons:

– Liberal dogma

– No threat of capital punishment or deportation to Australia:

[The underclass’] frustrations and passions were kept at bay by force and draconian legal sanctions, foremost among them capital punishment and transportation to the colonies. Today, those at the bottom of society behave no better than their forebears, but the welfare state has relieved them from hunger and real want.

– The “social engineering industry”

– Parliament, judiciary, police

– Wayne Rooney

2. Melanie Phillips: Britain’s liberal intelligentsia has smashed virtually every social value

Reasons:

– The Liberal intellgensia

– Breakdown of family

– Soft-headed social workers

– Harriet Harman (obviously!)

3. Richard Littlejohn: Red sky at night, Tottenham’s alight – as looters liberate everything from trainers to flat-screen TVs

Reasons:

– IKEA

– Mark Duggan

– London’s racial mix

4. Graeme Archer: How do you destroy a London borough?

Reasons

– White liberals who control the media

– The God of Diversity

– People who abhor racism

– Rap music!

Imagine the fun in running a school, whose teachers are barred from disciplining their charges, and where children wear trousers to show off their backsides, and speak in a completely made-up accent based on their idea of how gangsters talk. Fill their heads with a musical subgenre which mixes blatant pornography with violent, egotistical lyrical content. Dismiss anyone who wonders aloud about the effect of this genre as, of course, “racist”, but also deploy those useful liberals again, to write articles and present programmes about how “edgy” it all is. Channel Four will be your most useful ally here: see this summer’s celebration of “street” culture, for an example of how to do it.

– ‘Useful liberals’

– People who keep screaming racism

– Benefits system that hates married couples

– The Labour party

5. Toby Young: How did England’s cities become engulfed in a Lord of the Flies nightmare? Moral relativism is to blame, not gang culture

Reasons

– “Bonds of civilisation” have become weak

– Multiculturalism

– Moral Relativism

– “Progressive Left’s conviction that mankind is essentially good”

6. Nile Gardiner: If British shopkeepers had the right to bear arms, vicious thugs would think twice before looting

Reasons

– Tight gun laws

In contrast in London in 2011, shopkeepers were left at the mercy of feral, brutal thugs acting with impunity across whole swathes of the capital as the police were overwhelmed. If they had the right to bear arms and defend their stores with force, it would have been a very different story, and brutal looters would have met firm resistance.

7. Brendan O’Neill: It isn’t only urban ruffians who smash stuff up – the middle classes are also prone to outbursts of infantile rage

Reasons

– “Modern-day organic types”

Whether or not Mr Thomas is guilty, it is undeniable that other modern-day organic types, those crazily anti-pesticide, super-healthy sections of the middle classes, have it in for fast-food outlets, especially ones that serve up thousands upon thousands of dead birds every day (yum). Whether they’re campaigning against the building of a McDonald’s on their local high street – imagine the smell! Imagine the riff-raff! – or getting teary-eyed about the evils of the Turkey Twizzler and how it is zapping white-trash children’s brain cells, food snobs are always trying to metaphorically demolish certain food emporiums. If some of them have started taking their demolition desires to a literal level, involving fisticuffs and stuff, it wouldn’t be all that shocking.

– Infantilism

– A powerful sense of victimhood

– “Victim-centred, narcissistic politics of immature rage and therapeutic self-expression”

– People who hate Nando’s

Have I missed out any gems?

Update Doh! I’d under-estimated the range of wingnuttery at the Telegraph. The following have now been added.

8. Damian Thompson: London riots: This is what happens when multiculturalists turn a blind eye to gang culture

Reasons

– Black people

…let’s just focus on one: the way Britain’s educational establishment has cringed helplessly in the face of a gang culture that rejects every tenet of liberal society. It’s violent, it’s sexist, it’s homophobic and it’s racist. But it is broadly tolerated by many people in the black community, which has lost control of its teenage youths.

9. Katharine Birbalsingh: These riots were about race. Why ignore the fact?

Reasons

– Black people

When I saw the photo, it confirmed what I knew instinctively: black youths once again have set London alight.

Some of the black kids I used to teach will tell you that the riots are absolutely justified. A number of adults would agree with them. Everywhere I read that the protest was understandable because “people are very angry”.

I did think about including James Delingpole in this list but 1) he’s utterly irrelevant and 2) he can barely string a coherent sentence together so its difficult to ascertain what he’s blaming.

Update 2: I forgot to include that Paul Bradshaw has done a visual guage of this bingo, which is very nice of him.