WASHINGTON—A cabinet meeting in the White House’s West Wing was reportedly interrupted early Thursday morning when an agitated Vice President Joe Biden suddenly barged in, asking if anyone could “hook [him] up with a Dixie cup” of their urine. “C’mon, you gotta help me get some clean whiz—Shinseki, Donovan, I’m looking in your direction,” said Biden, who implored all 15 heads of the executive-branch departments not to say anything, noting he would be in “deep shit” if they did. “I’m not fucking around. I need some lizard juice, pronto. And dudes only—I can’t get found out like I did last time.” According to sources, Biden then hurried out of the room, vowing to return with bottles of water in case anyone needed help “kickstarting their hogs.”

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