After three days of music, camping and crop tops, Coachella Weekend 1 came to a close — that is, for most festivalgoers. The Clog has just received word that the Indio grounds were unable to close because of a mass of peaceful protesters. Who are these protesters, you might ask? Allow us to answer that question with another inquiry: Which university founded the Free Speech Movement?

That’s right, folks. The large crowd refusing to leave the grounds of Coachella was none other than a giant swarm of UC Berkeley students.

When Eminem finished his set Sunday night, a business major from UC Berkeley, Shaina Melville, sat peacefully on the ground. The group of friends she came with, also Berkeley students, gathered around her to see what was wrong. When asked what she was doing, Melville whispered, “I’m not leaving.”

At first, Melville’s friends were confused. “We thought she was just too high to move or something,” said friend Brandon Frame. “I tried to tell her we can’t live at Coachella forever, but she just said, ‘Of course we can.’ ”

Things quickly escalated from there — Melville climbed onto the Coachella stage and gave an inspiring speech about the obscene cost of the festival and the stressful life that awaited the students back in Berkeley. She was intent on getting her money’s worth and avoiding her finals. Onlookers noted her most memorable line as: “Coachella is my home now. I am Coachella.”

UC Berkeley students who recognized Melville gathered around the stage, took photos and posted them to the UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens page. The rest is history. Melville gained a large following — almost 600 Berkeley students who also refuse to leave the fields.

The mass of protestors remains on the fields today with the goal of making it through Weekend 2 and beyond. They’ve reportedly been spending their time putting on a cappella concerts for each other and planning worldwide veganism.

The attempt to live in the Coachella utopia forever is a noble cause, but with no food and very little water, it’s safe to say that it’s only a matter of time before these activists realize Coachella is a music festival, not a way of life.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Hailey Johnson at [email protected].