For the second week in a row, we’re sifting through Wikipedia’s deleted detritus to bring you those few, nearly lost-forever encyclopedic gems. This week, that means forgotten porn stars, creepy tales of time travel, and perhaps the worst song about liquor you will ever hear.

Here’s the latest set of the best articles Wikipedia didn’t want you to see.



New Cops

New Cops is an upcoming film (to use the term very, very loosely) in which an Ordinary Man lets his friend Chet stay over. Hijinks and inscrutable plot holes ensue.

Best Line:

His friend ropes him to various schemes and generally makes a bunch of faux pas.

Why it got deleted:

The film is notable in no way and also does not exist yet, say Wikipedia’s heartless editors.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

The trailer alone is absolutely notable. The different-types-of-liquor rap at the end, the way in which they yell words and phrases that have no discernible meaning, the fact that the trailer has absolutely nothing to do with the supposed plot. New Cops is a film to be cherished, not dismissed.

Ottie Cline Powell

Ottie tells the tale of a four-year-old boy who wandered away from his school in November of 1890, never to be seen again. Or at least not until the following spring—when he finally thawed.

Best Line:

The monument on Bluff mountain reads: THIS IS THE EXACT SPOT. LITTLE OTTIE CLINE POWELL’S BODY WAS FOUND APRIL 5, 1891, AFTER STRAYING FROM TOWER HILL SCHOOL HOUSE NOV. 9, A DISTANCE OF 7 MILES. AGE 4 YEARS 11 MONTHS.

Why it got deleted:

“Wikipedia is not a memorial.”

Why it shouldn’t have been:

Children should know what the consequences are should they ever skip school (namely, that they will freeze to death in the woods with a stomach full of undigested chestnuts. Always.).

Carrie Sahmaunt



Carrie, who died in 2006, was once “the oldest Kiowa Indian.” Which is nice for Carrie, but the real treasure here—and what we will focus on—is in the editors’ discussion of the article’s pending deletion.

Best Line:

I spent today in a nursing home talking with people, and it reinforced the idea that living a long time does not equal notable. Living a really long time is not an achievement in the normal sense, but more like a punishment for most people. Being really old generally sucks and comes with pain, loss of freedom, family, senses, mobility, mental agility and so much more.

Why it got deleted:



Who ISN’T 101 these days.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

Just look at the lively, deeply depressing debate Carrie inspired! After recounting his nice day volunteering, user Legacypac went on to say:

Unlike the person who works hard and dreams of getting to the Olympics/top of Business/President/famous actor etc no one in the care home is thinking ‘if I can just breath longer then Fred I’ll be the oldest person in South Dakota or born the former Russian Empire or the oldest person living in the USA to have immigrated from Ireland. I can’t wait for Grace and Wilma to die so I can seize the title of oldest woman in wherever and get my Wikipedia article finally.’

And he’s probably right. If I’d just had to spend the day with him at my nursing home, I wouldn’t want to live another day either.

Jenner

Jenner is a male porn star and an AVN nominee for Most Outrageous Sex Scene in Girlvert 19 .

Best Line:

This photo:

Why it got deleted:

“Fails PORNBIO and the GNG. No awards, only nominations. No meaningful biographical content.”

Why it shouldn’t have ban:

A) Jenner doesn’t need that kind of negativity in his life.

B) This photo:

Praise and veneration of Muhammad

Pretty much exactly what it sounds like—a collection of various praises for Muhammad across a number of cultures and mediums.

Best Line:

The Supreme Court of the United States includes The Holy Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) among the greatest lawgivers of history using a sculpted image.

Why it got deleted:

Wikipedia is supposed to be written from a neutral point of view. So while some wanted to keep the article because they believed it acted as a counterbalance to the (still not deleted!) article Criticism of Muhammad, each article is still supposed to be evaluated based on its own merits. In this case, the deciding editor determined that the article was more of an essay attempting to prove a point than an encyclopedic entry and gave it the ax.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

Veneration of Mary in Roman Catholicism seems to be doing just fine.

Honorable Mentions:

The Valentine Constitution

Please Make Me Lesbian!

List of state governors of the United States who were Freemasons

Hammerschlagen

Criticism of Zwarte Piet

Taured mystery