JULY 14--It was a quiet Wednesday evening in Blue Springs, Missouri when the police radio crackled with word that a holdup alarm had been triggered at Cirilla’s, a local adult novelty emporium.

When the store manager spoke with a police dispatcher, he provided a physical description of the tattooed man who stole $90 in merchandise. The suspect, the manager reported, fled on foot around 10 PM and was “running north toward the grocery store with the two biggest dongs I sell.”

In a radio transmission, an officer described the suspect as a “white male, shaved head, tattoo on his neck” who “stole two dildos and a bottle of lotion.”

The perpetrator, the manager recalled, swiped a $47 11” All American Ultra Whoppers “curved dong” intended for use in a strap-on device. The thief also stole a 10” dildo ($30) and a four ounce bottle of Doc Johnson’s Joy Juice lubricant ($12).

With more than 60 stores, Cirilla’s (“Where Romance Finds Fantasy”) describes itself as “one of the nation’s largest and fastest growing specialty retail chains.” Founded in 1992, the firm offers “an impressive collection of lingerie, vibrators, adult toys and romance essentials.”

As heard in the above radio transmissions, the suspect was furthered described as wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black/white/red sneakers. The manager also told police that the man had full tattoo sleeves on both arms.

The description prompted one cop to identify a possible suspect by name and suggest that a fellow officer sit by the man’s residence. “If he shows up, you’ll be looking for two dildos and a bottle of lotion,” the cop advised.

As of this morning, however, the suspect remains at large. As do the dildos. (1 page)