"There are going to be situations where people are going to go without assistance. That's just the facts of life." - Los Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates

So, you are a successful trader, speculator, investor, money manager, and is typical, have little patience. Something has been bothering you. You have been reading Zero Hedge long enough that you are now absolutely convinced that TEOTWAWKI is indeed nigh, and it could well be quite violent. You have also decided that you want to do something to prepare, beyond getting short the equity markets and going long gold and silver coins, but you do not know what to do, exactly. The HELP function on your Bloomberg terminal is, unsurprisingly, not helpful. A quick review of the government and Red Cross emergency preparedness websites tells you nothing about guns. This is problematic, as you fear that we all might be returning to a time in history where it is a common occurrence to fight for one's life, and you know that we usually do that in today's day and age with guns, or a knife close in.

What to do?

Well, you could read several books such as The Long Emergency, Reinventing Collapse, One Second After, Alas Babylon, Patriots, and Lucifer's Hammer to gain an understanding of what some recent authors believe TEOTWAWKI might look like, and then try to formulate a plan on your own. You could also read countless blog posts on www.ar15.com/forums/b/10_Outdoors.html, www.survivalblog.com, or www.zombiehunters.org to see what other people with alleged or unknown expertise are doing to prepare for if/when TSHTF. I understand there is now a television show called Doomsday Preppers that you could watch. Not surprisingly, you can even hire professional consultants to help you prepare for the possibility of a coming apocalypse.

Alternatively, allow me to provide to you absolutely free of charge and in just one brief Zero Hedge article, A Guide for Those with Much Money and Very Little Patience Whom Want to Prepare for Zombie Apocalypse But Are Afraid to Google It For Fear of DHS Labeling Them A Terrorist. There are some unique aspects to this Guide. First, because it is for Those with Much Money, it assumes you can afford to drop as much as $25,000 and thus save much time by not trying to do things on the cheap. Second, because it is for Those with...Very Little Patience, it makes no attempt to explain the rationale behind each recommendation. One can complete the entire Guide within a couple of months, thus allowing you to put this fear out of your mind and move on to much more productive worries, except for fitness. Regular exercise should really become a habit for the duration of your life.

Item 1

Learn that the first rule of preparing for TEOTWAWKI is you do not talk about preparing for TEOTWAWKI. Tell nobody. Do, however, make up some lame excuses in advance for when some friend questions you about your actions and purchases. Say that you are getting ready to visit your rich and crazy uncle whom is a gun nut living in Alaskan bear country, or your friend in Detroit wants you to house sit. Just do not tell anyone what your plans or preparations are, or even that you have plans or preparations.

Item 2

Develop a basic mindset. Here are some ideas. Commit to prepare for zombies, so that currency collapse, EMP, hurricanes, revolution, world war, or anything else will seem relatively mild. Understand that the time to make a plan and prepare is before, not after a zombie invasion. Understand that there is no way you can plan or prepare for every contingency, but doing something today goes a long way to peace of mind, and eliminating any regrets should the shit actually hit the fan. Realize that everything is likely to cost more next year, if you can get it, so better to buy it now. Acknowledge that nobody really knows if, what, when, or how anything in the future is going to happen...it is all just speculation. Finally, always remember that, "on a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drops to zero," so don't get too worked up, or go into debt, just because of this little exercise in paranoia.

Item 3

Stick to the plan. Because you have very little patience, this Guide is not going to be concerned about detailed questions or nuances such as, 1) if you intend to leave or stay at home in case of TEOTWAWKI (also known as Bug In or Bug Out); 2) if you work far from or close to home; 3) if you live or work in an urban or rural area; 4) if you are a 30 years-old ex-marine, or a 55 years-old female florist; or 5) if you expect the zombie infestation to last 48 hours, 5 days, 12 months, or permanently.

This is a One-Guide-Fits-All (as long as you have the money) and accordingly all the actions and items have been designed and actually tested in real life (by those trained and certified in such things) to work with all the other items and actions in the Guide. Customize it at your own peril.

Item 4

Get yourself in shape so you can run for your life. Go running, no matter how slowly, five times per week. Work yourself up to 30-minutes during the week, and then a longer run on the weekends. After each run, do three sets of as many push-ups as you can do. When you go see your doctor to ask for permission to get healthy, ask her to find some way to get you off any drugs you currently require to survive, and to please write you a post-apocalyptic "ditch medicine" prescription for a broad spectrum open wound MRSA antibiotic like Bactrim DS (or something else if you have a sulfa allergy).

Item 5

Purchase the items on the following shopping list to outfit your person with a Get Back Home (GBH) pack (aka Evacuation Pack, aka Bug Out Bag, aka Assault Pack, aka 3 Day Pack, aka Survival Pack). It includes a First Aid Kit (aka FAK) and a set of clothing so you will not be forced to evacuate the city in your loafers, heels, wool suit, or dress (Read One Second After). This pack can reside in the trunk of your car if you are a commuter or in the hall closet if you live and work in a city.

Included on the list is an advanced, easy to use, compact, and highly reliable personal-defense weapon system that is made by FN Herstal, currently the largest arms manufacturer for the U.S. military. The FN FiveseveN pistol (get the model with tritium night sights installed) and PS90 rifle (Tri-Rail model) each fire the same 5.7 x 28 ammunition, which, along with these two weapons, is extremely light to carry. These weapons' standard magazines hold 20 and 50 rounds, respectively. Unlike many old-school firearms, these are actually fun to learn to operate, because they are so light, yet still have no felt recoil (aka kick). A Zeiss Z-Point optic (rifle sight), Urban ERT sling, TLR-1 weapon light, kydex pistol holster, magazine carriers, and spare magazines are all crucial components that cannot be excluded.

With the push of a single button the PS90 easily disassembles into two parts that fit in the bag; because there is no gas system it is also very easy to clean. The two extra rifle magazine pouches, concealed under a shirt and bandana, are accessible while wearing the pack. The lower exterior pocket contains the FAK. The rain cover keeps things dry and looking less military.

Not if, but when someone advises you to buy an AR style rifle and a Glock pistol, first ask yourself why you have broken the first rule for preparing for TEOTWAWKI, then put an extra 5-7 pounds of lead in your pack to represent the weight difference (including ammo) and go for a 15-mile hike while you try to remember Item 3 from above.

If you live in California where you are restricted to 10 round magazines, then maybe you should move. If you live in Illinois, NYC, or DC, then you should definitely move. If you live on Airstrip One (formerly Britain) where essentially only shotguns may be owned then adjust accordingly. If you live in Switzerland you probably already know how to shoot and have excellent equipment. Everyone should know and abide by their local gun laws, no matter how Draconian, illogical, and unconstitutional they may be. These laws are for your protection/sarc.

Total cost for this life insurance policy is less than $10,000, much of it in "uncivilized" traveling money.

location, item, qty, description, cost

c=Carry / i= In Pack / o=On Pack

o,Belt,1,Webbing riggers belt,$8.00

o,Pants,1,NorthFace Horizon Falls Convertible Nylon Pants (summer),$50.00

o,Shirt,1,Vented Nylon Long Sleeve Shirt (summer),$25.00

o,Shoes,1,Merrell Moab Ventilator low-top (summer),$85.00

o,Socks,1,Wrightsock CoolMesh II,$11.00

o,Undershirt,1,UnderArmor (Summer) / Patagonia (Winter),$20.00

o,Underwear,1,UnderArmor (Summer) / Patagonia (Winter),$20.00

,Backpack,1,Maxpedition Falcon II w/ 3 liter H2O bladder,$130.00

o,Pack Leash,1,Pre-tied 20' 550 para cord leashed to top of pack w/ biner,$10.00

i,Dry Bags,2,Sea to Summit lightweight dry sack (2 liter),$24.00

o,Bag cover,1,Mountain Hardware Backpack Cover,$35.00

o,Jacket,1,Waterproof jacket w/ hood (tan or sage),$100.00

i,Underwear,1,Spare UnderArmor - Black (in dry bag),$20.00

i,Socks,3,Spare socks - Wrightsock CoolMesh II (in dry bag),$33.00

o,Poncho,1,Sea To Summit Ultra-Sil Tarp-Poncho (Gray),$85.00

o,Hat,1,Tilley and/or wool beenie (seasonal),$25.00

o,Bandana,1,Khaki ,$5.00

o,Gloves,1,Work gloves w/ leather palm,$15.00

i,Water Filter,1,Katadyn Pocket water filter,$300.00

i,Water Purification Tablets,1,Katadyn Micropur tablets,$13.95

i,Energy bars,12,Power Bars -Energy,$4.00

i,Food,2,Datrex 3600 Calorie Emergency Food Pouch,$14.00

i,Dried fruit,8,Dehydrated Figs,$8.00

i,Electrolytes,6,PowerBar Gel ,$6.00

i,Lighter/Matches,2,Bic/water proof matches,$2.00

i,Toilet Paper,1,Backpaking style-no tube,$2.00

c,Knife,1,Benchmade 760 LFTi,$200.00

i,Multi Tool,1,Leatherman Skeletool,$40.00

o,Flashlight,1,Streamlight MicroStream w/ extra AA battery,$15.00

i,Gorilla Tape,1,Small 1-inch roll wrapped in wax paper,$3.95

o,Zip Ties,6,"14"" black heavy duty zip ties",$2.34

o,Tubing,1,6' surgical tubing (emergency tourniquet/syphon),$6.00

i,Mirror,1,Metal unbreakable survival mirror,$7.00

i,Sewing kit,1,"Heavy nylon thread, needles, seem tape, buttons",$4.00

i,Wet stone,1,Smith's Pocket Pal,$9.00

i,Hack Saw,1,"Mini Hack Saw w/ 6"" blades (master key for bike lock)",$9.50

i,Patch kit,1,Tube patch kit w/ CO2 airfill,$3.00

i,Towel,1,Lightload backpacking towel,$2.00

c,Watch,1,Casio Pathfinder solar,$150.00

i,Maps,1,Laminated state map(s),$2.00

i,Compass,1,Suunto MC-2 Global,$56.35

i,Paper,1,Rite-In-The-Rain all weather notebook-small,$5.00

o,Marking pen,1,Sharpie,$0.50

c/i,Sidearm,1,"FN FiveseveN pistol w/ tritium sights, 4 mags (keep 2 in pack)","$1,000.00 "

c ,Holster,1,Kydex FBI cant on paddle,$65.00

c,Mag carrier-pistol,2,Kydex on paddles ,$30.00

o,Mag carrier-rifle,2,Tactical Tailor molle to attach on pack,$25.00

i,Rifle,1,"PS90 w/ Zeiss Z-Point, Urban ERT sling, TLR-1 light, 4 mags","$2,000.00 "

i/o,Ammo,250,FN 5.7 x 28 (100 in PS 90Mags + 3 x 50 boxes),$112.50

i,Cleaning kit,1,"Rod, ends, brush, patches, lubricant, 3mm hex wrench",$15.00

i,Earplugs,3,Small foam w/ string,$1.50

i,Monocular,1,Zeiss MiniQuick 5x10 T,$139.00

i,Extra Rx Glasses,1,RX sunglasses w/ keeper,$50.00

i,N95 masks,2,Floor mask w/ eye shield,$0.50

i,Nitrile gloves,2,Latex examination gloves (pr),$0.20

i,Sunscreen/Chafe Balm,1,Dermatone,$3.00

i,Trauma Pack,1,BoTach Tactical Tac-Pack Battle Pack Option #2,$120.00

i,Celox,1,CELOX-A Hemostat syringe,$23.00

i,Sutures,2,4-0 Monofilament w/ curved needle,$30.00

i,Betadine scrub,1,B-D Easy Scrub Brush,$1.00

i,Betadine swabs,4,Foil packed single betadine swabs,$2.00

i,Gauze roll,2,Israeli battle dressing,$4.00

i,4x4s,8,Sterile 4x4 gauze pads,$0.40

i,Coban,2,"2"" roll (tan)",$7.00

i,Rx ABX,60,Bactrim DS (CDC open trauma dosage is 1 po 3x day x 10 days),$60.00

i,Rx ABX ointment,1,Bactroban (Mupirocin) ointment,$18.00

i,Fever/Pain medicine,6,Excedrin travel packets-Extra Strength,$4.02

i,Mole Skin,1,2 inch roll,$5.00

i,Alcohol prep,10,Alcohol prep pads,$1.00

i,Benzoin,10,Tincture of Benzoin ampulet,$5.00

i,Passport / DL / CHL,1,Copies of ID, $ -

i,Important numbers,1,Laminated list of emergency contacts, $ -

i,Cash,5,USD/CAD/MXN,"$1,250.00 "

i,Coins,20,0.1 ounce barbaric relics,"$3,400.00 "

In general, when given a choice, always choose the lighter weight and/or more expensive option. Lighter weight is fast. Lighter weight uses much less energy.

Item 6

Purchase the items on the following shopping list to outfit your home.

· 5,000 rounds ammo for training; $2,500.

· Purchase and install Door Jamb Armor and dead bolts on all your exterior doors; $1,000 for 4 doors.

· A bullet proof vest; $500.

· Install a professional alarm system, or better if you live in the country get a big dog and have you both protection trained; $50/month.

· 12 months of food storage (2,400 cal/day) with > 20 year shelf life ;$4,500.

· If you have well water get a SimplePump. If you rely on city/municipal water, and there is not a swimming pool in your backyard, then get at least one waterbed; $1,000.

· A hand-crank emergency radio and a couple of hand-crank flashlights; $50.

· Purchase and store several cases of liquor; $500.

· If it gets cold where you live, then purchase

o A mummy style sleeping bag like a Wiggies; $250.

o At least one set of heavy wool pants and wool parka, such as Columbia's Gallatin Range ; $350.

o A pair of warm boots, wool socks, warm gloves, and a wool hat; $350.

o Two sets of Patagonia long underwear; $120.

Item 7

Complete the following courses in this order:

1. One half-day tactical folding knife class; $150.

2. 2-3 weekends of Tactical Pistol Courses; $1,000.

3. 2-3 weekends of Tactical Rifle Courses; $1,000.

4. One day of Self and Family Emergency Medical Aid/Trauma Kit Course; $150.

5. A series of several two-hour self-defense classes (not martial arts classes); $200.

6. Fulfillment of requirements for concealed handgun permit; $250.

You should learn in these classes how to safely conduct dry-fire training with your firearms and a dummy knife. Do this on a regular basis, such as once per week for at least 5 minutes.

Item 8

Gain, store, and maintain the knowledge, skills, and special equipment that would enable you to do at least one third-world job. If you are a dentist, doctor, farmer, cowboy, mechanic, miner, fisherman, lumberman, mason, blacksmith, whore house piano player, plumber, butcher, or similar, then you are already set. If you are a derivatives trader, banker, realtor, healthcare administrator, politician, actuarial, benefits coordinator, DMV clerk, compliance officer, or similar, then get cracking.

In Conclusion

Truly, it does not matter how good my reasons are for each suggestion, or how qualified I am to make these recommendations, because I can absolutely guarantee an endless number of critics on the internet, at REI, or at your local gun store advising you of just the opposite of what I have said, on each and every point, and claiming far greater expertise on these matters. It is even likely some will respond critically to this post here on ZH in the comments below. However, I believe that an average plan that is well implemented is usually better than a great plan that is never implemented.

Now, it is on you. Follow this Guide and if the shit hits the fan then you are likely to be far better off than most people will. The best part, however, is the hedge on this zero hedge investment. Even if TEOTWAWKI does not occur, but your course instructors have at least average ability, then after completing this Guide you will no longer be a sheep, but rather a sheep dog.

Si vis pacem, para bellum. Everyone else is.