Get ready all you moms out there: The Victoria’s Secret 2014 Swim Catalog has arrived. Actually, it has arrived several times; how many of these do we really need? Reminding me once a year that I’m two chin hairs and a thigh dimple away from being a troll is quite enough.

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You have sufficiently put me in my place. You can cease with the psychological warfare. Oh but wait, I get a free tote with my order! I guess when you only get one square of fabric to cover your ass crack, they want you to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth.

For starters, this is the shit I keep pulling out of the mailbox. Hello ass cheeks. Why yes, I had a good day at work thankyouverymuch. I start looking through this magazine and I just keep wondering why I get this in the mail. I can’t wear this shit. I don’t even know anyone who can wear this shit…or WOULD wear this shit even if they had an ass like that. If you are showing your ass crack at the beach, what’s the point in wearing a t-shirt? Do you get two totes with this one?

And then there’s this, which I find disturbing. She is wearing what looks like a toddler bikini top and is demanding a sucker or will throw an embarrassing tantrum. But then where are her bottoms? Oh, there they are. My bad.

And this one is just stupid. Yes, I’d like for my chest to look like a xylophone ALL SUMMER LONG. Hello other moms at the Y. Yes, I’m desperately holding on to my 20’s.

You’d best be mowing it close if you’re going to wear this one. But she’s probably not old enough to have pubic hair, though, so no worries. Someone once told me the way a guy can tell if a girl is old enough for him to look at is if she has “ass fold”. This is the fold between the ass and back leg. I’m not a betting woman (well, unless I’m drinking), but I’m going to put a $20 on ZERO ass fold.

In case you just must have a VS swim suit, but prefer to keep your crack to yourself, here’s your other style option. There’s apparently no middle ground at VS. You’re either showing everything you have or channeling your great grandmother’s swim diaper. Seriously, this looks like a DIAPER. I guess if you aren’t 85 lbs. then you might as well just be a whole 120!

They forgot to rinse this one off. And wake her up.

If you’re chasing children at the beach, I suppose an ass crack bikini isn’t that bad. At least it’s convenient since chasing kids usually ends up in a wedgie anyway. No more pulling your bottoms out of your crack, mom friends. You can just leave it up in there. Fashion forward, bitches.

If you’re considering purchasing one of these bikinis, then I’m going to give you some suggestions for standing in public. Apparently, this is what you need to do. DO. NOT. MOVE. Or whatever isn’t already out is probably going to fall out.

Standing positions available to you:

Hope you found your swimsuit for this summer, and glad I could help. If I ruined your day, look at this way: At least YOU get to eat. These girls are starving for the betterment of humanity and the empowerment of women everywhere. Snort.

<insert pizza for dinner here>

<insert third glass of wine here>

Opening trash, putting this stupid catalog in there with the rest of the rotten shit, and moving on.

Happy summer!

{All images from victoriassecret.com}