It's Christmas again, and that means it's time to stock up on food dehydrators and VHS copies of the Jean-Claude Van Damme opus Double Impact to give away as gifts to those you hold dear. And for your enemies? Oh, there will be special packages under the tree for them. Special packages that bear the slightest hint of peppermint and bile.

For years, one kind of gift has thrived in the dark corners of Christmasland amid the rancid cast-away cartons of eggnog and the semen-encrusted stockings of back alley elves -- gag gifts. The terrible irony of the gag gift is that it's a joke present that is somehow never funny. In fact, next to a genuinely funny gift, neither will elicit a laugh. Gag gifts are suck gifts. They suck the funny from a room as sure as a porn star will suck a suckable something. I can't be more specific, I've never gotten the parental locks off of my TV.

In the sea of gag gifts, some stand head and shoulders above others as the lamest of the lame, the worst of the worst. I put them in a list, because I love you. I have nowhere to go this Christmas. Please take me in.