West Ham are determined to keep hold of their star man and will not let him go even if Marseille come knocking with a fist full of notes to the tune of £30m. Now you might think I’m talking about Pedro Obiang, a player who’s gradually growing into the club’s most steady performer, but no, I’m on about Dimitri Payet. It says here that with Marseille convinced the player wants to return to the club he left just over 18 months ago for £12m, they’re willing to throw in France’s Lassana Diarra as part of the deal. But whoah, hang on! Who’s this apparently ready to steam over the hill waving a nice little late-career contract in the direction of the Marseille midfielder? It’s José Mourinho, the man who once thought Diarra so useful he flogged him to Portsmouth for £2m in 2007. And any potential transfer to Manchester United might see Morgan Schneiderlin – Mourinho’s Diarra de jour – end up at the Stade Vélodrome blinking in wild confusion while wondering whatever happened to 2016. It would almost certainly torpedo Marseille’s chances of getting Payet too. Cheers José.

Transfer window January 2017: all the latest moves and news – interactive Read more

Meanwhile, David Moyes has batted West Ham’s £6m bid for Jermain Defoe out into the North Sea, a dark, cold and depressing place similar to the one where Sunderland will inevitably end up if they do fail to hold on to their one good thing this season. Stoke will also tell West Ham to do one if they come knocking with £1m and the offer of a one-way ticket to London for Glen Johnson. While Brentford have already told West Ham where to go after they dangled £10m outside the Griffin Park office windows in the hope of tempting the club into parting with striker Scott Hogan.

After some furious chatter in 2015 about how the boy from Barcelona had rediscovered his mojo in the Potteries, it’s all gone sour for Bojan Krcic, really. It’s now gotten so bad that Mark Hughes has activated the Operation Pulis button and even Peter Crouch, at 114 years old, is being preferred to poor Bojan. In fact, his nadir came when he was made to play in the EFL Trophy. The EFL Trophy! For Pete’s sake! Aitor Karanka, a man who desperately needs something, anything, to add a little pizzazz into his lifeless Middlesbrough strikeforce, will see how much Hughes cares about the forward with an imminent offer.

For some reason the Rumour Mill can’t fathom, Wolfsburg, Everton and Southampton have joined Stoke in the chase for Napoli striker Manolo Gabbiadini, who has scored only three times in 17 appearances this season and has looked about as hot as a penguin. He’s yours for £24m – £24m! – folks.

Alexis Sanchéz is ready to pick up a league title or two again. According to some fluff-generator or other he’ll do this in Serie A with Juventus who will offer Arsenal Miralem Pjanic as part of any deal to lure Sanchéz away from the Emirates. Makeweights eh?

Chelsea will let Ruben Loftus‑Cheek experience some lively sea air and probable promotion to the Premier League by sending him on loan to Brighton until the end of the season. Meanwhile, Liverpool will start their Melwood spring clean early by getting shot of Tiago Ilori to Reading. And word is that Lucas is wanted by Milan now, as well as Internazionale, so sipping espresso at San Siro awaits one way or the other.

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Claudio Ranieri is determined to keep hold of his barrel-chested cameo man Leonardo Ulloa despite interest from West Brom, Sunderland and Hull because Islam Slimani is off to the Africa Cup of Nations and Ulloa may need to do a little more dutiful covering in the forward line.

And finally, Manchester City’s Stevan Jovetic (yes, he’s still Manchester City’s Stevan Jovetic until the end of the season when Inter are obliged to pay €14m for him) is on the verge of inking a contract at Sevilla while Juventus’s Patrice Evra has fuelled talk of a move back to Manchester United after saying he wants to go home. Won’t somebody just let him go home? Over to you José.