The Profane Poetry Of Zhang Zongchang

He was nicknamed “The Three Don’t-Knows” because he didn’t know how large his army, treasury, or harem was.



He started assigning numbers to his concubines because he couldn’t be bothered to remember their names.



He brought his elderly mother along in parades and consulted her for campaign advice.



He “accidentally” shot the cousin of former Chinese emperor Puyi while cleaning his rifle. It was most likely because the cousin was banging one of his concubines.



Before a battle he promised that he would either come home victorious or in a coffin. He lost the battle, so he returned being paraded in a coffin, smoking a large cigar.



When there was a drought, he went to the storm god’s temple to pray for rain. When he entered the temple, he went up to the statue of Zhang and slapped it, saying “Fuck your sister! How dare you make Shangdong’s people suffer by not giving us rain!” The next day, he ordered his artillerymen to fire into the sky until it rained. It rained the next day.



After seeing a basketball game for the first time, he allegedly asked “Why the hell are they fighting over a single ball? We’re the hosts. Are we seriously this poor?” He ordered all the players be given a basketball.



After a battle there wasn’t enough gold and silver to make medals for the officers, so he had makeshift insignia fashioned from the colored foil paper lining the insides of cigarette packs.



He found out one of his officers was having sex with a concubine of his. When he confronted them, he found out they loved each other and let them marry.



His penis was allegedly as long as a stack of 86 silver dollars (~9.31 inches).

These are the poems of Zhang Zongchang (dubbed “China’s Basest Warlord” by Time):

“Poem About Bastards”

You tell me to do this

He tells me to do that

You are all bastards

Go fuck your mother

“Praying For Rain”

The sky god is also named Zhang

Why does he make life hard for me

If it doesn’t rain in three days

I’ll demolish your temple

Then I’ll have cannons bombard your mom

“Untitled”

Someone asks me how many women I have

I really don’t know either

Yesterday a boy called me ‘dad’

I don’t know who his mother is

“Lightning”

I saw lightning in the sky

It’s like God wants to get lit

If God isn’t lighting up

Then why is there lightning?

“Visiting Mount Tai”

From afar, Mount Tai looks blackish

Narrow on top and wide at the bottom

If you flipped it upside down

It would be narrow at the bottom and wide on top

“Visiting Pengai Pavillion”

What a pavilion

Place is fucking nice

If the gods can get here

I’ll take a seat too

Have a drink by the window

Sing some songs to the ocean

Play some cards

I think I’ll get drunk