What can I get my alternative therapist for Christmas?

I am sure that many of my readers have sleepless night because they cannot think of a fitting Christmas present for their alternative therapist. I have given this increasingly acute problem some thought and come up with a few handy suggestions.

FOR THE REFLEXOLOGIST

Reflexologists believe that our organs are represented on the sole of our feet. By exerting pressure on locations which correspond to specific organs, they seek to influence the function of these organs. What the reflexologist therefore needs is an insole for her shoes that is deeply cushioned so that these sensitive points are well protected from unwanted exposure to strain. Without this protection, the reflexologist’s health might be in danger; imagine her crossing the street and inadvertently putting pressure on the liver or heart area. This would stimulate these organs and the unsuspecting therapist might suffer tachycardia or her liver might go into over-drive and metabolize drugs like warfarin way too fast, thus leaving her prone to suffer a blood clot.

FOR THE CHIROPRACTOR

Chiropractic was invented about 120 years ago when D.D. Palmer adjusted a subluxation in the neck of a deaf janitor who could then hear again. Chiropractors have ever since claimed that their adjustments free vital nerves that have been blocked by spinal subluxations. I suggest to give them a textbook of anatomy; there they can read up how the inner ear is connected to the brain via nerves which do not even pass via the spine but remain safely in the skull. I am sure the chiropractor will appreciate this news; it will make her think and she might even start doubting whether the rest of the gospel of Mr Palmer is correct.

FOR THE CRANIO-SACRAL THERAPIST

I suggest to give this practitioner an integral helmet for Christmas. Cranio-sacral therapy is based on the idea that the bones of the skull move ever so slightly and that these movements have a profound influence on our health. If that is true, the head of the therapist is in urgent need of complete protection from outside interference of any kind. Even a slight touch from a friend or spouse could have unforeseeable consequences. If she does not already have one, she needs a motorcycle-helmet and must wear it at all times.

FOR THE HOMEOPATH

Homeopaths dilute their remedies endlessly and are convinced that this process which they call ‘potentiation’ renders their remedies not weaker but stronger. The most treasured remedies contain nothing at all. To make a homeopath truly happy, one therefore should give her a nicely wrapped box that contains nothing. Make sure that the box once contained something really nice; like this it will have a powerful memory of its past content which is what homeopaths are after. I am sure she will be overwhelmed by this generosity and enjoy the present for years to come.

FOR THE REIKI MASTER

Reiki is the art of channelling healing energy via the hands of the therapist into a patient’s body. Reiki masters are unusually skilled and have energy-filled hands. When they are not in action, their energy would leak uselessly from their hand; and when they need it for their good work, they may have run empty. This disastrous situation would lead to the ineffectiveness of the otherwise useful intervention. I think that a fully insulated pair of gloves could prevent this situation. My suggestion therefore is to give the Reiki master a pair of solid skiing gloves which have been fitted with insulating material and to advise the master to wear them when not doing her healing.

FOR THE TRADITIONAL CHINESE ACUPUNCTURIST

By far the most common serious complication of acupuncture is a pneumothorax; it happens when an acupuncture needle punctures a lung and means that the patient is in a spot of trouble. If the acupuncturist happens to insert needles on both sides of the thorax, both lungs can be punctured, and then the patient is in a lot of trouble. As anyone can call herself an acupuncturist, some seem to have no idea where the lungs are and are blissfully unaware that their needles can penetrate into vital organs. I think the ideal gift for such acupuncturists might be an atlas of anatomy where they can see with their own eyes what damage a little misplaced needle can cause.

FOR THE HERBALIST

Herbalists tend to promote the idea that, because herbal extracts are natural, they are necessarily safe. The most fitting present for such a therapist might be a textbook of toxicology. There she will find that some of the most powerful poisons come from the plant kingdom. It might not be an insight that she likes, but it just could save some patients from getting hurt.

FOR THE COLONIC IRRIGATIONIST

Colonic irrigation involves pouring lots of water into the part of the body where the sun doesn’t shine in order to detoxify the patient. As the notion of such ‘detox’ is entirely bonkers, I suggest that these therapists could diversify into more serious areas of medicine. Give them a tin of instant coffee for Christmas, and they will be able to claim to treat cancer. Coffee-enemas are a popular alternative treatment for cancer, and I am sure the therapist will be thankful for this opportunity to enlarge her business.

This list could be extended, of course, but I think I will stop here and give my readers the occasion to contribute their own suggestions; surely your ideas are better than mine. So, please put them into your short comments below.