“It is intellectual, and it repeatedly exists between an older and a younger man,” began Oscar Wilde during his testimony for gross indecency in 1895.

“When the older man has intellect, and the younger man has all the joy, hope and glamour of life before him. That it should be so, the world does not understand. So the world mocks at it.”

Over 100 years on, it is still largely true that “the world does not understand.” So much so, these very words by Wilde are used in the context of contemporary queer cultural discussions today.

Queer Lives at The Tower, an immersive LGBT+ theatre show at the Tower of London, which draws historical parallels between the misunderstood lives of queer figures in the 12th century and those of us born today, quotes it this month.

Despite our continued struggles, here in the UK we are proud of our LGBT+ rights and advocate for equality. Yet there are still a disproportionate number of homeless LGBT+ youth and LGBT+ people with mental health issues; those minority groups are the symbols of the homophobia that lurks persistently across our society.

Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall Show all 25 1 /25 Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 25. Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy (1984) A song about a young gay man leaving home, accompanied by a video which shows desire, persecution, rejection and ultimate freedom, Jimmy Somerville’s anthem epitomised the experience of generations of gay men. Youtube Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 24. Dana International wins Eurovision (1998) Singer Dana International provided another big moment of visibility for transgender people when she won the competition for Israel with her song “Diva”. Getty Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 23. Angels in America (1991) Tony Kushner’s epic two-part play tackled the Aids crisis in the context of contemporary America and its many ghosts. A profound piece of theatre. Katy Raddatz/Museum of Performance and Design Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 22. Madonna - Vogue (1990) Madonna took voguing from the ballroom culture of New York’s black LGBT scene and repackaged it for a global audience, bringing along some of its best dancers for her iconic music video. Her rap, which name-checks Hollywood screen legends, is one of pop’s campest moments. Sire/Warner Bros. Records Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 21. Paris is Burning (1990) While “Vogue” was for mainstream consumption, the cult documentary Paris Is Burning went behind the scenes of the glamorous ballroom culture, exploring the darker reality of those outcast and stigmatised by a hostile society. Alamy Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 20. Carol and Susan's wedding on Friends (1996) While Friends has often been criticised over its LGBT representation, this was one moment it did get right. Rex Features Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 19. Macklemore - Same Love (2012) As a rap song advocating for same-sex marriage, “Same Love” sends a impactful message of support from a traditionally hostile area of the music world. Youtube Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 18. Britney and Madonna kiss at the VMAs (2003) An obvious and bizarre publicity stunt, but this split-second snog at the MTV VMAs is surely the most famous same-sex kiss of all time. Getty Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 17. The Golden Girls tackle gay marriage (1991) Our beloved Miami foursome weren’t just camp icons – they were ardent LGBT allies. In one much-discussed episode, Blanche is upset that her brother is marrying a man. Sophia gives an impassioned speech, saying: “Everyone wants someone to grow old with – and shouldn’t everyone have that chance?” Alamy Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 16. Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" video (2002) The gay kiss featured in this memorable video was a huge signal to a generation of kids that their feelings were normal, and that individuality was to be celebrated. An LGBT anthem was born. Youtube Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 15. Stephen Fry introduces Grindr on Top Gear (2009) Grindr was brand new when Stephen Fry showed it off to Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson, and his estimated global audience of about 350 million. App downloads quickly shot up, and gay hook-up culture was never the same again. BBC Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 14. Ellen DeGeneres comes out (1997) Now the most-high profile lesbian in the world, Ellen took the bull by the horns when she came out in a memorable episode of her sitcom, with a simultaneous cover of Time magazine on which she declared: “Yep, I’m gay.” Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 13. Queer As Folk (1999) Russel T Davies’s groundbreaking Channel 4 series was unapologetic in its portrayal of gay men and their sex lives, and taught a pearl-clutching British public about rimming. Channel 4 Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 12. Moonlight wins Best Picture (2017) A powerful portrayal of a young black man coming to terms with his sexuality, Moonlight broke through barriers for LGBT, black and Muslim representation when it triumphed at the Oscars. Getty Images Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 11. Modern Family (2009) One of the most successful TV shows in the world, Modern Family succeeded in portraying Mitchell and Cameron as parents just as capable of raising (and embarrassing) their daughter as any straight couple. 20th Television Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 10. Boy George on Top of the Pops (1982) When Culture Club appeared on Top of the Pops to perform “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”, the androgynous look of its colourful frontman threw viewers and the UK tabloids into a spin. BBC Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 9. Lady Gaga - “Born This Way” (2011) Lady Gaga’s love of the LGBT community, and her status as "Mother Monster" for all outcasts, was brilliantly channelled into this mainstream dance hit. In a rebuke to religious inspired homophobia, she delivered the poignant lyric: “I’m beautiful in my way, cos God makes no mistakes.” Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 8. Caitlyn Jenner on Vanity Fair & Laverne Cox on Time (2014, 2015) Orange Is the New Black star Laverne Cox was the first transgender woman on the cover of Time magazine, while Caitlyn Jenner presented herself for the first time on the cover of Vanity Fair the following year. Transgender people were being seen, understood and appreciated like never before. Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 7. George Michael - Outside (1998) Six months after being spectacularly outed after an incident in a Los Angeles public toilet, George Michael decided to own it, with this number one single, complete with an outrageously tongue-in-cheek video about cruising. Jaw-dropping to this day. Youtube Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 6. Glee (2009) Glee presented high-camp musical numbers and wacky plot lines alongside some of the first openly gay and transgender characters seen within a high school setting. Its impact on a post-millennial generation of kids forging their own queer identities was enormous. Fox Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 5. Brokeback Mountain (2005) Perhaps the most famous LGBT film of all time, Brokeback Mountain was the first to put a gay relationship front and centre in a mainstream Hollywood plot. Focus/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 4. Queen at Live Aid (1985) Freddie Mercury wasn’t open about his sexuality when he stole the show at Live Aid, but he was unmistakably one of our own. His 20-minute tour de force in front of two billion TV viewers goes down in history as the greatest rock performance of all time. Alamy Stock Photo Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 3. Philadelphia (1993) The first mainstream film to portray the HIV/Aids crisis was built on a haunting performance from Tom Hanks and brought an understanding of the issue to millions of cinemagoers. Rex Features Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 2. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009) The show that launched a thousand memes. RuPaul’s incredible popularity is a testament to how widely the show reached out beyond the LGBT community and into the wider public, who have been duly educated about drag culture and the courage of those who take part. Getty Images Top 25 LGBT moments in pop culture since Stonewall 1. Will and Grace (1998) Will and Grace was the first time a sitcom put gay characters front and centre, and delighted audiences with its razor-sharp wit. Joe Biden once said the show “probably did more to educate the American public” on gay issues than anything else. Powerful stuff. Rex Features

As Wilde alludes to in his speech, one major misunderstanding about queer culture that persists – still, to this day – is a misunderstanding about male-male attraction between men of different ages.

While we celebrate media personalities like Phillip Schofield for coming out in their later years (it’s never too late!) the public can be guilty of expecting queer people to act like their straight counterparts when it comes to relationships when of course queer relationships are different.

Statistically, many more people that define as queer have been through trauma than straight people. This might take place in the playground or the workplace, or with family or friends and has drastic knock-on effects for queer relationship-building.

Science tells us that trauma is often carried with us for life and can lead to complicated repercussions when it comes to sexual attraction. One resultant effect is that gay men are far more likely to fetishise body image and form deep sexual attractions to certain types of men – such as an insistence on dating particularly masculine, particularly feminine or particularly old or young men – and are likely to carry those image obsessions with them throughout their lives.

It’ll help to humanise all this. The comedian Simon Amstell, 40, still says his “type” is an 18-year-old guy. His rationale, which he speaks about in more depth in his autobiography Help, is that he never got to experience being romantic with an 18-year-old when he was young himself, due to challenges around his own sexual identity and dealings with shame and trauma which forbade him from experimenting as freely as he’d have liked.

In his autobiography, Amstell recalls his own struggles as a teenager. “When I was 18, it seemed impossible to just accept who I was and have some fun with another 18-year-old,” he writes.

“And this was one of the key revelations from therapy – [throughout my life] I kept being drawn to these young, vulnerable men in an attempt to save the 18-year-old in me, who wasn’t saved. Poignantly, he adds: “You may prefer to think of me as a pervert… but this is an official medical diagnosis.

“That vulnerable 18-year-old boy, even to this day, is my type.”

So it’s important that before we criticise queer men for having a preference, we try to understand the experiences that may be the root cause for those feelings.

The challenge for men like Amstell is finding the right romantic and sexual partners without exploiting any power dynamics that might spawn from wide age gaps. It goes without saying that upstanding older men yearn for balanced and healthy relationships like the rest of us, so for that to happen with an age gap, they'd need to consider that the emotional maturity and motives of younger men match their own feelings and desires and that no one is ending up being exploited.

Naysayers may argue that older men acting in this way are being superficially driven and inconsiderate of the feelings of younger men, who are arguably – perhaps stereotypically – more vulnerable and more malleable than older men. And there's perhaps the idea that older men “should know better” and “date their own age”.

But these are toxic sweeping assertions about gay culture that enforce stigmas and demonstrate a lack of understanding about the complexities of male-male relationships and the psychological and emotional reasons why they happen in the way they do.

Luckily for older men, there's a whole other set of younger men who specifically like to go older (that's a whole other article...). So with the right search, perhaps using the right LGBT+ dating apps, men with specific age desires needn't be alone.