The Christmas shopping season is here and that means just one thing – the Official Icarus Landing Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree! Woo-hoo! So without further ado, here, below, with pictures, are some of the cool, cool, cool gifts that nobody asked for and that I’ve gotten for people on my Christmas list while thoroughly, completely, blissfully, and totally blitzed out of my skull…

The Versatile Mixing Bowl

This awesome, awesome mixing bowl is a gift for Icarus, who is enjoying cooking a great deal. Apparently you can do a lot of different things with this bowl, mixing included, because it has a wide opening and holds lots and lots of various fluids and solids and things and can be used in the kitchen or bedside if needed. Merry Christmas, son! You just know your Dad loves you very much when you get a gift this good!

‘The Grand Ruler’ Anubis Statue

This is one of my ‘big’ gifts for Mrs. Daedalus this year. By big I mean over eight feet tall. Why? Well, this is The Official Icarus Landing Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree! I don’t have to have a good reason. I guess because except for the weird pseudo animal-like pagan worship head, it kind of reminds me of me – swarthy and muscular, good-looking in a short gold skirt, ready to protect my bride’s Egyptian palace [yeah, we have one. What of it?]. And only $1,799 – a steal to boot! Best thing of all about it? Comes complete with scepter and ankh. That’s right! Scepter and ankh!

The Sarcophagus of King Tuthankhaman Bookshelf Cabinet

This is a gift for The Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Thomus. From Design Toscano for only $800 and because when I see the word ‘sarcophagus’, it just makes me all giggly inside and makes me think about Thomus and go all soft and stuff. And because he always gets me something nice for Christmas, too, like beer. For $20.

The Inada Sogno ‘Dreamwave’

This is just a little something I bought for myself – a total massage total high tech total body total chair, just $6,499 [seriously!]. Aka The Expensive Chair Thingy. Did I mention this is for me? As in, when I’m sober? As in, for nobody else! After all, it’s Christmas! Just a minor little indulgence, since the success of IL has made me such a wealthy man.

The Risen Jesus Statue

This is the ‘perfect’ gift for The Other Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Ernestus, because he is an avowed atheist and this will really piss him off. But in a good way! In a ho-ho-ho way! Right? Jeez, I thought about him the second I saw this! So he better like it! After all, it includes the rough-hewn stone that was rolled away and the inscription of John 11:25-2!!! At $650, that’s almost a bargain! Almost.

The Meditation Grotto of Sorrento

This is a Christmas gift not for a person, but for a yard. The yard of The Other Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Ernestus, just in case he’s not already pissed off enough because, after all, it’s Christmas! This timeless, European-style grotto is 10 feet tall and about 420 pounds and, don’t you agree?, creates an instant, ‘destination spot’ for religious meditation in the middle of Uncle Ernestus’s yard. Did I mention he’s an avowed atheist? Good times! I think he should put it in his front yard, not his back, don’t you?

The King Tutankhamen’s Egyptian Throne Chair

Jeez, there’s a lot of Egyptian thematic content and subtext here. What’s that about? I don’t know what makes me go all Egyptian when I get drinking at Christmas, but apparently, when drunk, Christmas reminds me of ancient Egypt and all the fun they had during the Christmas season getting Jewish slaves to make egg nog for them and wrap their presents and force Santa’s elves to build their pyramids and stuff. Must have been another life for me. Yeah, that’s it! I get weepy and sentimental and think about ancient Egypt! At $895, who wouldn’t get weepy! I will give this gift to The Official Brother of Icarus Landing, Christophacus, who, if you know him, know that he deserves a 185 pound throne in his house if anybody does! Son, this is the gift that says your Dad knows you well and loves you lots!

The ‘Christmas Story’ Leg Lamp

One of those ‘perfect’ gifts for Icarus, because this is his favorite Christmas movie. Only $199, and totally worth it, and because the sheer black stocking style will look great in a contrasting way in his stylish, coolly contemporary, non-kitschy designer home. It made Ralphie’s Dad proud, it will do the same for Icarus! And the Official Girlfriend of Icarus Landing, Karacus, will love it also.

The Legless Person’s Portable Home

Keeping with the leg theme established above, this is for The Official Twin Brother of Icarus Landing, Brettacus, also step brother to Spartacus, who was, as you can guess by this photo, born with no torso. This portable, tent-like little house will be perfect for him as right now he lives on a shelf in one of our closets. Best thing about it? It prevents insulation dust particles from being pulled in! You’re welcome, son!! This is like our own Tiny Tim at home getting saved in the end of A Christmas Carol, isn’t it? Just says I love you over and over again, without saying I wish you had a torso, son.

The Replica Captain Kirk’s Chair

Another perfect gift! This one’s for Skeets, The Official Cousin Skeets of Icarus Landing. Yes, the first officially licensed replica features a working swivel design, light-up controls and, get this, sound effects from the legendary Star Trek series! It will look fantastic in their living room!!! And at only $2,717 [actual price], will provide a lifetime of joy for Skeets and his family, especially his mother-in-law, who will never forget this!

The New Christmas Outfit

Why, for The Official Mother of Icarus Landing, Mrs. Daedalus, of course, and me. Of course. Mrs. Daedalus is a scientific curiosity – like Benjamin Button, she is aging in reverse! It’s true! This year, several people who haven’t seen her in years said to her, “You’re looking younger!” And she is! These same people say nothing to me. Fine, I get it. Anyway, with one of these on, Christmas night will feel like high school again!!! Hurray for Christmas!!!

Okay, that’s it, everybody! Hope you enjoy the IL Christmas and Holidays this year! Catch you in the New Year!