ATLANTA—Fussy Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy defiantly refused to stand on the nonorganic dirt in Turner Field Friday, complaining to coaches and teammates that the disgusting mixture of clay, silt, and sand was full of harmful additives and chemicals. "Yuck, no way I'm taking even one step on that gross stuff," said Hardy, who reportedly did not budge from his seat in the dugout. "It's not good for you to stand around in anything but pure, natural infield dirt with USDA organic certification. All that synthetic loam, processed sediment, and artificial brown coloring will make you sick or give you foot cancer." As of press time, J.J. Hardy had agreed to stand on several raw-cotton pads placed over the infield dirt.

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