"Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm."

-- From a motion to intervene in a federal same-gender marriage recognition case filed by Chris Sevier, a Florida anti-gay activist who describes himself as a "former Judge Advocate and combat veteran." Continuing the long and ignoble tradition of conservatives linking same-sex marriages with unions between people and inanimate objects, Sevier writes that if gays "have the right to marry their preferred sexual object" even if that object lacks "corresponding sexual parts," then he should have the right to marry the object of his desire: his "porn filled Apple computer."

Needless to say, the judge on this case was not amused and tossed Sevier's motion.