NORTH BEACH, MD—Backing away slowly as the prehistoric antediluvian monster scuttled ever closer to his beach blanket, first-time horseshoe crab viewer Greg Zeller, 33, of Davenport, IA understandably freaked right the fuck out Tuesday. “Holy shit—what the fuck is that thing?” exclaimed the vacationing insurance broker while losing his shit, and for good reason, given that the marine arthropod in question can only be perceived as a Lovecraftian horror, especially to those viewing it for the first time. “Jesus Christ! Somebody, help! I don’t know what this thing is, but I think it’s about to charge me. Everybody, clear the beach right now!” At press time, Zeller looked helplessly, his face a waxen rictus of atavistic horror, as the chthonic manifestation of all mankind’s most ancient fears blindly nudged an abandoned pink flip-flop.

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