1. The Sexual Shakespeare

Saving Ryan’s Privates? Don Cherrypopper? Viagra Falls? This bard’s poetic cortex is hardwired for one thing, and one thing only: sex puns. They could have forged the next Iliad or Canterbury Tales; instead they employ their literary talents for pueriley lecherous ends.

Strengths: Parody song lyrics, witty banter, Twitter.

Weaknesses: Their cleverness decreases as a function of alcohol consumed.

Often seen: Beer in one hand, moleskin notebook in the other.

2. The Committee Biddie

All hail committee.

Strengths: Sycophancy

Weaknesses: Will do literally anything for “bonus points”

Often seen: Flocking to power

3. The Hero

Winging you without expecting anything in return? Carrying your drunk ass home, and not bringing it up the next day? Posting the shit you lost on Facebook, and then going out of their way to get it back to you? May you be lucky enough to have one of these on your team.

Strengths: Dignity, honour, valiance.

Weakness: Has to leave the bar early when duty calls.

Often seen: Putting their friends first.

4. The Budding Alchie

“Power hour”? More like drinker’s recess, you dithering lightweight. Armed with a liver fortified by steel (and lots ofalcohol dehydrogenase), this Carnival goer’s drinking CV extends back to their third trimester. Blessed with bawdy wit, unwavering balance, and a limitless oeuvre of debauched tales, you can count on this elbow-flexing dynamo to get you home in one piece. Just don’t try and match them drink for drink.

Strengths: Cast-iron stomach, refined taste, keeps their cool throughout the night.

Weaknesses: Thirst, judgmental glares, bar tabs.

Often seen: Ascending the ranks of the Alcohall of fame

5. American Boy

This spry young buck is loud and proud, though perhaps without justification. If we weren’t Canadian, we might even call him a nasty chode trumpet. Hailing from The Land of Keystone Light, his tolerance for the hard stuff leaves much to be desired. Have some empathy though: Winter Carnival is the one opportunity all year long that this vomit barista can pretend he’s back at home in a fraternity. Rest assured, when this camel tumour wets his whistle, he’ll do it quickly, carelessly, and voluminously–afterwards ejecting what’s left over wherever he pleases. Kind of like how he practices foreign policy. Vamos!

Strengths: Chants, anthems, flags.

Weaknesses: French.

Often seen: Passed out after 7.

6. The Californian

Sorry, an addendum: none of the above holds true if your teammate happens to be from California. Take note, because this enigmatic Carnival waif is more worldly than her fellow countrymen, carrying herself about with unmistakable élan. Good luck cajoling her to the bar, however. She has other business to attend to.

Strengths: knows how to party

Weaknesses: Sloth, coughing fits, asking teammates at what point during Carnival “the Burn” is happening

Often seen: Dabbing Visine in her eyes

7. Patient Zero

Keeping communicable illness to yourself is soo pre-Ebola. Good news, because this beacon of sickness comes with a pre-installed urge to drink from the community punch bowl. They’ll do literally everything possible to ensnare you in the talons of disease (literally, literally). Surreptitiously drinking from your cup? Check. Shaking your hand after wiping their nose? Check. Licking your face like a libertine Labrador? You asked for it, asshole.

Strengths: Backwash, fomenting panic, leaving their belongings to those that remain

Weaknesses: Sanitation, solid food, T-cells.

Often seen: Listening to Illmatic.

8. The European

German? Czech? Norwegian? English? Irish? Scottish? Latvian? Polish? What do these wonderful people all have in common? They can outdrink you badly, hoser.

Strengths: Accents.

Weaknesses: Jetlag.

Often seen: Making their companions feel jealous with their summer travel itinerary.

9. The Russian

Like the European, but the only reason they’re drinking is to dull the nagging existential dread.

Strengths: Vodka, winter-preparedness, Tolstoy.

Weaknesses: Chez Boris donuts, vodka, inflation.

Often seen: Contemplating existence, insulting the Motherland, sipping Smirnoff from a flask.

10. Secular Mother Theresa

Don’t let her Tumblr affirmations of being “sex positive” fool you: this lady here is the Viet Cong of the pussy jungle. Instead of guerrilla tactics, however, Mother Theresa subconsciously employs the power of Christ, and does so with evangelical fervour. She may like Richard Dawkins on Facebook, but this broad’s real calling is to rescue her troops from the throes of temptation. If you encounter this hot mama, turn back. There’s no hope in this liftetime. Perhaps in the next.

Strengths: Piety without trying, abstinence, eternal life

Weaknesses: Your furtive advance toward her friends

Often seen: Conducting a cockblockade, convincing her companions to call it a night, genuflecting

11. First-Time Phil

Women love him. Men want to be him. And some of those men want to be in his pants. But he is “like totally not into that sort of thing, oh my gosh”. Until he has a few beers in him. Then all bets are off. Who knew Carnival could serve a noble purpose? We feel billowed with Canadian pride seeing these well-groomed gents go Wilde for the first time. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

12. The Annoying Couple

Honestly though, why are you here?

Strengths: Pair-bonding, shared expenses, excuse to Instagram on Valentine’s Day

Weaknesses: The fleeting nature of love, man’s wandering eye, unavoidable reality that one partner will outlast the other

Often seen: Engaged in unseemly PDA

13. The Lesbian Tourist

Maybe she’s “experimenting”. Or maybe she’s a Machiavelli for attention, doubling down with a second siren to hijack your neural hardware.

Strengths: Luring eyeballs.

Weaknesses: Your game will never be strong enough to close both of them.

Often seen: Seen? Stop glaring, jackass. Her displays of affection are totally not for your amusement.

14. The Zombie from Toronto

Every Carnival team has at least one, and probably more. These innocuous-looking organisms exhibit all the qualities you’ve come to associate with sentient human life. But don’t be fooled, because they’re not really people. They’re zombies.

Strengths: Invoking quaint slang (“wheeling”, “duster”, “gongshow”), braggadocio, forming hordes

Weaknesses: Making the playoffs, being clutch, irresistible lust for brains

Often seen: Defending oft-maligned Degrassi cast member Aubrey Graham, taking taxis, cornering you in an alley then eating your face

15. The Champions

There can only be one.

Strengths: Drinking.

Weaknesses: Losing.

Often seen: On top.