Like most children of the early 80s, I watched the original Star Wars trilogy with wide-eyed excitement. But unlike my Luke-loving classmates, I was drawn to the masked Darth Vader.

He appeared in my dreams and my daydreams. When I gazed out the window of my elementary school classroom at the sledding hill past the baseball fields, I imagined his silhouette floating in my direction, coming for me. It was an encompassing pre-sexual obsession. I had no interest in the politics of the movie, but I was fascinated with the aesthetic and power of darkness. It was a natural attraction for me; I felt neither fear nor guilt.

This was one of the first times I realized how my preferences and outlook differed from those around me. It also might have been the first time I met my Jungian shadow, so to speak.

This is a great short reading on the Jungian Shadow in Star Wars. An excerpt:

“Actively acknowledging one’s darker side and taking control of it is a much more positive approach. […] Confronting your dark side leads to a stronger, more balanced individual.”

Around this age (5-8), when I encountered imagery that frightened my friends, I deliberately chose to flip my experience and enjoy it. I very clearly remember a multi-day attack of insomnia after watching a scary movie. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see an endless march of skeletons and demons. I remember making my peace with this darkness, deciding that they were my friends, and finally sleeping soundly.

This apparent paradox has always been obvious to me! It seems natural that I should be blonde, bright, happy - yet deeply attracted to darkness. It’s only because of that balance that I have the ability to shine. This seed may have been planted at my first exposure to Star Wars, and for that I am grateful.

(Bonus: if you want to hear Satanists discuss Star Wars, I recommend the 11/29/15 episode of 9Sense podcast)