Flavored Dip

If you’re the guy who stands at the gas station counter looking for berry, vanilla, cinnamon, peach, or apple flavors, you most likely just started dipping and can’t handle the good stuff. You’re a perennial bench warmer who’s just happy to be on the team. You are ridiculed by your friends, even behind your back, and your family may disown you should you continue down this road.

Flavored dip is essentially the wine cooler of mouth tobacco. Sure, it’ll give you a buzz, but it’ll also make you look like a bitch. Just like a major leaguer waiting to be called up to the big leagues, you’re not ready for the big show.

Red Man

Like a suicidal maniac, the Red Man chewer has one goal and one goal only: to get rowdy. You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that doesn’t deter you from thinking that every idea you have is a great one. You’re the guy at the party who is the loudest and wears way too much camo. You often find yourself saying, “Yee, yee!” after sinking the last beer pong cup. You’re the one who is always going after the country girls, but you end up taking whatever the night gives you — which is usually a bag full of tacos before passing out, you disgusting bastard.

Pouches

You’re the type of guy who was born sucking on your mom’s tit and haven’t stopped since. That doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t have to, because you’re a little titty baby. No one thought you would even survive long enough to legally buy dip. You’re a pathetic poser. Life has been so sugarcoated for you that you find it hard to do even the most menial tasks on your own. You need someone to hold your hand as you make toast for fuck’s sake. “My lip hurts,” you bitch to your friends. “These pouchies don’t hurt my gummies so much.” Shut up, you little bitch. You just shut the hell up and go back to sucking on your bottle.

Traditional Long Cut

Long cut is an American tradition, which makes you a man who cares about your roots. You like to keep things short and to the point. You don’t mess around with fruity flavors or bullshit pouches. All the American heroes have found themselves packing a lip of the long cut, whether that be Skoal, Grizz, or Copenhagen. When you pack a lipper, it’s like the ghosts of American legends are there giving you a head nod of approval. Since you’re set in your ways, you won’t be the first to take a risk. While that may keep you from taking the hottest girl to Pound Town, you still take home nice trophies that any man would be proud to have. You have upper management written all over your forehead. Things are looking up for you.

Copenhagen Southern Blend

You have been called “the life of the party” or “the man, the myth, the legend,” or “racist,” and none of those accusations is incorrect. You have respect for tradition, but have a bit of an edge to you. You probably have a slightly frightening collection of firearms. You branch out and are the adventurous type. There is never a dull moment with you. When you’re feeling extra risky, you pour some whiskey into the fresh can and pack it real tight for an extra buzz. .