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So long, Joe Kinnear. It's been a blast.

We'll miss your bizarre ways. Kind of. At least you leave us with some golden memories, like the time you stunned Newcastle fans with a

Just after the 38-year-old stunner was named Newcastle United director of football and NASA commander-in-chief - and following his notorious rant against journalists all those years ago - Kinnear's claims were as bold as they were incorrect.

Citing a raft of incorrect stats, fees and anecdotes - though none as alarming as his one-time assertion that he was Nepal manager during the Prince Diphendra massacre even though it happened 14 years after he left - Kinnear was live on talkSPORT to chat with Andy Goldstein.

What follows is the transcript of that interview, with the italicised text just straightening out a few things for you.

All in the interest of fun, you understand?

Listen along with our video:

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talkSPORT: Good evening Joe Kinnear. How are you?

JK: Yeah, I'm fine.

He's started well. This is probably true.

TS: Ok Joe I suppose the obvious question is, Newcastle are yet to confirm your appointment, why is that Joe?

JK: Cos I only signed the contract last night. So that was someone speaking to Mike but it's been on-going for the last three weeks.

Derek Llambezee

Would that be Derek Llambias?

was the director of football.

Wasn't he managing director?

Derek has resigned now.

(Image: Serena Taylor)

TS: OK. Reaction has been negative from the fans. Has that been a surprise?

JK: Yeah but it's only a certain section. It was exactly the same when I got there. I got over 10k letters when I had my heart attack and that was a wonderful thing and I felt really proud of that.

Hmmm, that is a LOT of letters.

I thought I'd done an excellent job there

Win percentage: 19.23%

and no way would we have gone down.

You would have done with your points-per-game ratio.

But the trouble is that there are a lot of Geordies up there who are influenced and upset and the fact is that because I stood up to about 100 journalists that night

Sounds like a lot, Joe.

you know, it was the night we beat Tottenham 2-1

No it wasn't

and I suppose the journalists always had it in it.

What?

And I am not saying all of the Geordie fans but many of them were sucked into it. If they looked at my job, what I done, carefully they would have said I done a good job.

So if they were to look at your paltry win percentage, for example?

TS: Has it upset you?

JK: Look it's part and part of the game today.

Parcel, Joe. Parcel.

You look at managers today over the last 2 seasons - the fans have feelings and if they aren't happy with what is going on the manager gets the bullet. Unfortunately for them I've never been sacked in my life.

What about Luton, Joe?

So you know, look at my record, they keep saying to me - what did I do? Where have these people been - have they been on another planet? I have played in five cup finals, I have won the lot.

Whatever way you frame 'I have won the lot', it's not true.

I had over 400 games for Tottenham Hotspur,

*PARP* 196 league games.

been manager of the year three times

Um, just the once actually Joseph

I have travelled all over the world as a manager. Now this job come up, which I thought was a fairly responsible job, but already they are jumping on the bandwagon 'Oh watch out Pardo, watch out', but that's the snidey press. That's the people up there or the people round that area that I have upset and they have a grudge so I expect it. It's water off a duck's arse.

The only thing that you can say about this sign-off is that anatomically it is probably correct. After all, where would the water go after it has run off a duck's back? Precisely. Joe Kinnear - anatidae anatomist.

TS: When did Newcastle first approach you about becoming director of football?

JK: About 10 days ago, when Derek resigned.

Remember this. 10 days.

TS: And that was the first you'd heard of it? You're on good terms with Ashley - you hadn't heard about it till then?

JK: Derek didn't resign until then. Derek has decided to go back and be in charge of finances. The job really is in detail that you've got to be in partnership with the manager and look at the strengths and weaknesses of the team. Look anyone who wants it. I had to do that as a manager with Bobby Gould beside me - look when you're at Wimbledon, there ain't no budget, you find the players yourself - there ain't no budget.

Well you managed to sign John Hartson for £7.5million in 1999, Joe. That's good work with no budget.

We didn't have any scouts and Bobby will tell you and we worked there at Wimbledon - well I did - for over 10 years.

And if you look what we had to go out: we went to non-league clubs and found players. We trained and worked them and then sold them for millions, as simple as that.

And bought players for £7.5million

So they say I haven't had any experience in buying and selling players - sure I have. I bought Dean Holdsworth for 50 grand

£650,000. Which is pretty much the same, ie 13x bigger.

and sold him for £3m.

I sold John Scales for £3m - he was a free transfer.

I sold Robbie Earle for x, y, z.

He outlasted you at the club and retired a year later.

I sold Marcus Gayle, Leonhardsen, Micky Harford, John Hartson, Hans Segers, most of them were free transfers.

Gayle wasn't. Leonhardsen wasn't. Harford wasn't. Hartson certainly wasn't. Segers we don't know.

And we sold to survive so I know exactly what type of players are needed and what type of players are needed to play. I played with some of the best players in the world at Tottenham, in the best team in the world in Tottenham, you know I have been through it every stage of my life.

Tottenham the best team in the world?

Unfortunately for some reason when I went up there I didn't dance to the tune of the Geordie media. I took no notice, I just got on with it. So whatever they have got to say, fine, say it. I'm single minded, I am not worried.

TS: Have you spoken to Alan Pardew since your appointment?

JK: I am meeting Alan tomorrow for lunch. I've spoken to him on the phone and we're having lunch tomorrow to discuss and have a game plan for the upcoming season.

TS: And to the best of your knowledge who has the final say on players coming into the club?

JK: We both do. We both do. He's the manager and we'll sit down and discuss it. We have Graham Carr [the chief scout] up there, he also has a say in it - we'll discuss it. We will look at the strengths and weaknesses between us. No one's got an ego. I haven't got an ego.

*HONK*

We will all sit down and discuss what's best for Newcastle football club. We'll discuss areas what's desperate - in my opinion we need a striker and I see that desperate - as my opinion. When I speak with Pards tomorrow he may see some other position that he wants to look better of or get a better player for that area.

TS: But will it be him instructing you or you instructing him?

JK: It will be 'who have we got in mind'. I shall ask Alan who he is seeing and I shall sit down with the scout - they seen those players, I want to cast my eye over them. It's as simple as that. I will have a look: if I say to them I've seen somebody better but what do you think? This is not about me coming in, not the crap that's being said, about me coming in taking over. It's absolutely nonsense. And then I read another article recently that I am coming and watch over your shoulder Pards. I mean, what a load of crap. And this is what's going out there. Unfortunately they're feeding it to all the Geordie fans and I just hope they're not daft enough to believe it.

TS: The interview that you did once with very 'limited English' in it do you regret that?

JK: Not really, I meant it at the time. I was just so fed up with them wanting me to dance a tune and dance to everything they want to say. I wasn't having it, I am a football manager, I just want to get on with it. Look we beat Tottenham that night 2-1 and the first question I was asked was 'how do you feel about everyone in the ground chanting there's only one Alan Shearer' - you know - and I don't think there was a person in the room that actually said well done. I think they were all gutted cos we won. And that's the way I see things and I'm not worried really.

This is virtually all completely untrue.

TS: Have you seen much Newcastle over the last season?

JK: Yes sure.

TS: And you mention they need strengthening up - is that the only area you think they need strengthening up front?

JK: I think they've got some magnificent midfield players: Tiote. Ben Afri [ Hatem Ben Arfa ], Yohan Kebab [ Yohan Cabaye ], Sissoko are very solid.

(Image: Getty)

Up front if you look at the goals tally last season: I think we lost our top goalscorer in Demba Ba when he went to Chelsea for £7.5m or something like that, he was the top goalscorer with something about 13 or something like that. Then you had somebody like Sissy ( Papiss Cisse ) he was the next goal scorer with something like eight. And then after that there was a big drop into midfield where Cabaye and Hatem Ben Afri - you know, he got four and then Sissoko got three - the total wasn't much neither. So we need a prolific goalscorer to come in there and assist Cisse and I think that's one of the areas, there might be other areas, I mean this is a side I haven't had privilege to be with - a lot of players still there that were there when I was still there - I brought Krul to the club and I think he's a terrific goalkeeper.

He was at the club three years before you were, Joe.

Shola Amamobi [ Shola Ameobi ] is getting better and better, he's a young kid.

He is 31 years old, you may mean Sammy.

Galteirez ( Jonas Gutierrez) , and of course a lot of other players, Tails [Steven Taylor] is still there. Perch is still there. Ryan Taylor is still there so there's enough players still there but in my opinion, I still think we are short of quality players and we have to compete with the best in the Premiership but we need to be stronger.

TS: Do you think Newcastle will continue to buy French players or under you are you going to try and explore the UK market more?

JK: I think we will look at all the markets. I've got nothing against anybody as long as he's a decent player and he's quality player, it doesn't matter where he comes from, if he fits the requirements we're looking for. If he's the best right-back we've seen and he's better than what we've got then it makes sense to go and buy him.

TS: Graham Carr did a great job with the French lads, has there been a designated certain amount of money or will you have to go to Mike Ashley between the three of you and sort out what actual money is on the table for you to spend?

JK: I think Michael's a very generous owner and I think he's one of the best owners in the business to work for and I don't think Michael will mind when we give him our business plan. Of course it may mean that we make a decision between the three of us that we have players that we need to move on and they are not up to the Newcastle standards and then OK, we will look at that, if they are £2m plus, and we will move that around and three or four are going out and we will add that to the, excuse me, to the tally of what players we going to sell.

(Image: Getty)

We'll make money on certain players, we know that, but we will be getting the finance to come in and take other players and if we spell out to Mike it's a serious situation where we do need a quality striker then I'm pretty sure he'll pay up. He wants us to be successful don't get me wrong, he doesn't even want us to be in the position that he found us. We finished fifth two seasons ago and last season we were something like 15th or 16th from the bottom and he doesn't want that.

15th from bottom would be... oh forget it.

I think the year we finished fifth we had something like 65 points and this year we have gone to 41 points and so there was a big deficit of 24 points, so that is a big loss, so I want to sit down with everyone who was involved with us last season and find out the reasons why and if can all put that knowledge together then we'll make sure that we mend that.

Maybe someone might not have come up to scratch or maybe we were weak in certain areas of the pitch or we may have been struggling on things but once we all sit down and all meet together in pre-season and then we get a game plan and get it going. There's lot to do. If you remember the last three home games we didn't score a goal. Liverpool, Sunderland, Arsenal, where's the goals coming from?

TS: Joe, listen, thanks for coming on. Before I let you go, is there anything you would like to say to the Newcastle fans who perhaps don't don't back this decision?

JK: To all the Newcastle fans who don't do this decision then shall I bring Lambezi back? What do you want, what do they want? I heard that silly comment what can I attract. I can open the door to any football manager in the world, anyone.

*HONK*

That's the difference. I spend my whole life, picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? Pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsene Wenger.

I can pick the phone up and speak to any manager in the league, any manager in all divisions. So I don't know what angle they've got. If they want to sit down and argue with me, some of them are talking out their backsides, a load of tosh and I'm not accepting it. It's as simple as that. I've certainly got more intelligence than them, that's for sure.

*HONK*