Meet Diane Morgan, the genius behind TV dimwit Philomena Cunk Read more

One thing Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without is the traditional Christmas Christmas Dinner. Food is everywhere at Christmas. Not just in the usual places like the cupboards and the bin, but all over the shop: next to the sofa, in the tree, outside on the window ledge because you’ve run out of space in the fridge. And it’s not normal food, like chicken and Haribo; it’s magical, weird food you only eat once a year, like brussels sprouts, marzipan and parsnips.

Parsnips are a cross between carrots and medicine. They’re scientifically the fartiest food apart from vegetarian curries and fart powder. Every parsnip contains about 12 blowoffs, ranging from a big one at the fat end, to a little squeaker at the point. Why farmers fill their vegetables with so many farts is a mystery that may never be solved in our lifetimes. Farmers aren’t like normal people. Instead of driving a Ford Focus they have these giant yellow monster cars covered in spikes, like a rural version of Mad Max.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Philomena Cunk meets Santa in Cunk on Christmas. Photograph: BBC

Brussels sprouts are what happens when a pea and a cabbage get married and have a fat baby. And marzipan is cream soda-flavour Play-Doh, but Play-Doh you can actually eat, like Play-Doh. There’s also the advent calendar, which is a bar of rubbish chocolate smashed into bits and spread across a month of cardboard. It’s a sort of strict one-a-day chocolate tablet diet to get you in shape for Christmas. And that shape is round.

Grannies at Christmas still have dates and walnuts and all that acoustic Mumford And Sons sort of food. And mince pies, made of mincemeat that’s not mince or meat; so they’re not cakes, they’re liars. But our generation doesn’t bother with any of that pre-internet food. We have Matchmakers and Heroes and Roses and Quality Streets and them giant tubes of Jaffa Cakes like a chocolate clarinet.

Christmas pudding’s a problem. Nobody likes it, but we have to respect it because it’s the oldest afters in the world. Why does nobody invent new afters any more? There hasn’t been a new afters since Viennetta, and that was, like, years ago. When Mrs Thatcher was Queen. And you can’t say Müller Fruit Corners, because yoghurt doesn’t count. Yoghurt’s not a real afters. It’s a consolation prize, like Dusty Bin. And he’s not Christmassy at all. You’re thinking of the Snowman.

As told to Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris.

Cunk On Christmas is on BBC2 on Thursday 29 December at 10pm.