A few weeks back someone posted this as an open topic on Facebook and some of them were hilarious. A copious amount of Diet Mountain Dew and a bad sense of humor led to my following master list of things never heard at a gaming table (Dungeons and Dragons or any other RPG for that matter.)

Let’s leave that treasure for the next group that passes by.

Guys, we need more of a plan than “kill him!”

Let’s bury Bob’s character with the magic items he owns…he’d want it that way.

Don’t loot that dead body, it’s disrespectful.

I’ll go and negotiate with that pack of bloodthirsty Orcs.

One set of dice will do for me thanks.

Let me jump in that pit and check out the bottom.

Whatever you do, protect our NPC’s. I would hate to see innocent people get injured or killed.

We’re saved – I happen to have a 10 foot pole!

An ancient red dragon? I’ve got this covered.

Watch me charm that Medusa…

Game of Thrones is a little lame for me.

I’ve explored a lot of dungeons without taking along torches.

I challenge the cockatrice to a staring contest.

Stop wasting your time mapping…how complicated can a dungeon be?

My alignment is very important to me.

Wait a sec, let me get into character…

Let’s let the thief divide the treasure for us.

Put the assassin at the rear of our party.

You can have my share of the treasure.

Who in their right mind buys a DocWagon Card?

I want nothing to do with that magic sword/ring/armor/shield/mace, etc.

Killing that goblin doesn’t feel right to me.

Hand me those potions, I’ll try them all.

I’m going to use that D20 that keeps giving me one’s…it’s due to start paying off.

Charging them head-on will only piss them off.

My character is not attached to his horse.

I caught the pickpocket in the act? Good. I tell him, “Shoo!”

We are just being unjustifiably paranoid – let’s rush in.

Quick, everyone douse your characters in oil and set them on fire.

I’ll sit this battle out. You guys should be able to handle this.

I’ve got too much treasure already – you take my share.

I’ll hold them off while the rest of you get away.

Playing Paladins is so much fun!

Let me heal you first, your character is more important than mine.

God as my witness, I thought gelatinous cubes could burn.

It’s only a patch of mold, why are you so edgy?

I don’t need to remove my armor before jumping in that pool.

No, I’m pretty sure I’ve used my last arrow.

I wonder what happens if you mix the potions together?

Today’s a good day to switch alignment.

Traits? What are those for?

I’m going to give my share of the booty to the church.

We don’t need to check under the bridge before crossing it.

My character’s name is “Pansy.”

Oh boy, a cursed sword of gender-changing! I’ve been looking for one of these.

Hold up, I’m not quite sure how this rule works…

I’m not upset at my character’s death, it’s just a piece of paper after all

Hot damn, my thief just successfully picked your pocket dude!

Wow – look at that halfling tear into them.

Quick – everyone into the portable hole.

Why worry – it’s just a Rust Monster.

A bar fight? No thanks, sounds too dangerous to me.

I cover the hole in my spacesuit with my glove – does that stop the leak?

The best way to deal with this swamp is to simply wade into it.

Excuse me, I’ve been keeping track and I am out of food and water.

Whew, I rolled a one.

Oh boy, the DM is rolling a lot of dice behind the screen, this is going to be fun!

Ignore that Goblin Shaman and concentrate on his flunkies.

That fog that’s rolling in is a good sign.

Your thief is willing to carry my backpack? Awesome.

Hey, we don’t want any trouble here.

We need to bury the guys we killed, even if it does take us a day. Ya gotta respect the dead.

I don’t believe in luck.

You tell the head of the Thieves Guild he can kiss my ass…

We should steer clear of that abandoned castle.

I’m sure the river is shallow and safe to cross; follow me.

Your interpretation of the rule is better than mine.

Sure it says it’s the Gate to Hell, but I’m sure that’s a trick.

What is this Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie you guys keep referencing?

Checking for traps is such a waste of time.

It’s best to follow the orders of the city watch. They pick those guys for their brilliance.

Having your girlfriend join our game is going to be a blast for the rest of us.

I think we should take the dragon at its word.

That die bumped a pencil before rolling a 20; let me re-roll it.

Don’t worry about me, I still have 3 hit points.

I was going to use Conan as the basis for my Barbarian, but I went with Andy Dick instead.

I try and charm the Drow priestess.

We should not set fire the building. There might be innocent people inside.

set fire the building. There might be innocent people inside. I’ll let the poison run its course. Don’t waste your cure spell on me.

Let’s huddle close together then move on the dragon.

Don’t waste that resurrection spell on my character. I’ll just roll up a first level character and start over.

I take a deep breath, hold it, and open the airlock.

A Deck of Many Things? I’ll take ten draws!

Let the survivors go, they’ve learned their lesson.

Why don’t we encourage our bard to sing a song now?

One pack of C4 should be enough to do the job.

This 300 year old bridge over the deep gorge looks sturdy to me.

I took morbid obesity as a player flaw/quirk.

I don’t care about experience points. It’s all about the thrill of battle for me.

What are the odds of that wolf that bit me having lycanthropy?

It would be immoral to use that refugee convoy for cover. Stand and fight where we are.

I’m counting on this grenade to have a slow burning fuse.

He’s a highly-educated Barbarian…

Someone else should try and seduce the barmaid.

I’m holding his possessions for his next of kin.

No thanks, I don’t like pizza.

No thanks, I don’t like Taco Bell.

Radiation …why worry about something you can’t see?

The wizard said he’d lead the attack with the fighters bringing up the rear.

It’s cool, I chose Raccoon as one of my character’s languages.

I move into the enemy crossfire to confuse them.

You are wasting time looking for secret doors.

They are skeletons…what possible threat could they pose?

Go ahead and use my dice.

Are you sure those things spray acid?

Sure those aliens look scary, but I’m sure their intentions are peaceful.

Our battle plan takes into account every contingency.

I saw Dune last night — I think I can ride this Purple Worm.

This dark ,dreary, overgrown road is the best one of us to travel at night.

The guards won’t have time to raise the alarm.

I want my character to take the point position.

Send the NPC’s to the rear, we don’t want them getting injured.

Why no, I’ve never heard of Xena. Was that a TV show?

The DM’s flavor text was my favorite part of the evening.

We’re out of food, it’s time to start considering cannibalism to survive.

Look at those cute harmless winged monkeys…

I spit in the Oracle’s eye.

My paladin is a party animal.

It doesn’t matter what miniature you use to represent my character.

Don’t you think your last comment to the barmaid was a little sexist?

Trust me, summoning Cthulhu will change the entire dynamic of the battle.

No, I’ve never heard of this Princess Bride film. Is it any good?

I don’t care if it’s a 10×10 room, unleash the fireball spell!

I’m going to flash around a lot of money…let the locals know I’m loaded.

I’ll pass on carrying those extra clips of ammo (extra arrows, etc.)

Here, take my last healing potion.

Of course we will surrender our weapons — we don’t want any trouble here.

That Beholder will never see us coming.

My pencil broke – I’ll use an ink pen on my character sheet.

Here’s an idea: use the dwarf as a battering ram.

We don’t have enough elves or gnomes in our party.

My druid happily sets fire to the forest.

(To the DM) I think you should recalculate the radius of the blast. I’m pretty sure the whole party is in it.

Next step in the plan…we sneak up on that tank.

Does anyone know where you can get a pedicure in this village?

If I use my last teleportation charge I won’t be able to see the end of the battle.

That singing sword is so cool.

That pack of rats doesn’t look dangerous.

Star Trek – is that a TV show?

You can use the catapult to launch me over the wall and into the city.

I tell them if they don’t surrender we will just pack up our things and move on.

I’ve based my character on someone from the Twilight series of books.

My bard leads the attack using his mandolin as a club.

(To the DM) I don’t mean to interrupt, but I don’t think you’re rolling enough damage dice.

I’m saving that fireball spell for when things go south.

No, I don’t think your Elven archer is too cliché.

I spent most of my money on clothing rather than weapons and exploring gear.

I’ve got a good feeling about this slave trader. He seems honest to me.

I don’t need a rope tied to me, it’s only a 75 foot drop.

I cut loose my bags of treasure so I can run faster.

I trust your character’s surgical skills.

I brought apple slices and celery as a snack for our gaming session.

There’s a limit to the amount of flaming oil flasks you can carry.

I try and reason with the Gargoyle/Owlbear.

Those peasants look innocent enough to me; let’s ride on.

I’m sure the Orcs will grant us good surrender terms.

My fighter’s primary weapon is a dagger. My secondary weapon is a high Charisma.

I’m still not entirely convinced this armor is cursed.

It’s okay that you stole that scroll out of my backpack, you’re just playing your character accurately.

Use the secret door? I don’t think so. We don’t know where that might lead.

No, I trust that you rolled what you said you rolled.

Come on guys, violence never solves anything.

I’m encumbered? I’ll leave that heavy magical broadsword behind.

You can go ahead and count that 20 you got when the die fell on the floor.

You got natural 18’s in three of your character’s stats? Boy did you roll lucky!

The DM is reading a lot of flavor text – so we know nothing is going to happen here.

I’m convinced those flames are an illusion.

I chose hoarder as a quirk.

I drop my weapons to show the Giant that I mean him no harm.

I’ll run out and get the dragon’s attention so you can move in for a rear attack.

Quick, everyone play dead.

My half-orc barbarian will try and charm the Ogre Queen.

Oh cool, a sword with a higher intelligence than me! This will come in handy.

Let the wizard cast his spell, then we rush him.

Send in the halfling assault team.

A Landshark? Is that a joke?

My character’s goal is to start a farm, be a serf to a local lord, settle down and have some kids.

Try the trigger word “Apocalypse.”

That open sewer is nothing to be concerned about.

You can test that wand on me.

A trip to another plane will be a a hoot.

To show Odin that I’m worthy, I walk up and slap the old God right in the face.

Maybe that zombie bite won’t get infected.

To prove the staircase isn’t rickety, I jump up and down on it a few times.

I try to use Turn Undead on the Lich.

We will get away from the forest fire by climbing those trees.

I jump on the Griffith’s back and dig in my spurs.

My familiar isn’t annoying or an inconvenience is it?

That’s okay, you don’t have to pay us – we do this kind of thing for the fun of it.

I’m telling you, this 1966 VW Beatle is the perfect getaway car.

Don’t attack yet, let’s see what he’s summoning first.

You don’t think we’re being too sexist do you?

Hold up, my character can’t move that fast because I’m encumbered.

This would be a good time for me to switch alignments and character classes.

This game will make you cool. Chicks dig guys that role play well.

You’re right, we should donate the treasure to that orphanage.

Why don’t you give my experience points to Bob, he worked harder than I did.

Let the gamemaster finish rolling for my explosive decompression damage, then I’ll tell you my next action.

Let’s take a break from playing and get some exercise.

Naa, I’ll level up in the next session. I don’t want to rush into things.

Those heavily armed and armored statues are there for decoration, I’m sure of it.

My thief is too cool to hide in the shadows.

Awe cool, a bronze sword. I can finally toss that iron one.

Let’s not attack. If we just understand their motivations, we can arrive at a compromise of some sort without the need for violence.

I don’t care which edition of the game we play.

Here, take a look at my character sheet and double-check my math.

Spell duration? Is that important?

Using miniatures makes the game play faster.

I rolled a 1 on my grenade toss. Any chance that it’s a dud?

I pretend to be lawful good.

If we just walk through the room and ignore them, they’ll ignore us.

I don’t know if this matters, but when the wizard hit me with a lightning bolt, the whole party was standing in a puddle of water with me. Does that change the results at all?

I based my character on Pee Wee Herman.

I never read The Hobbit…but I thought the movies were Oscar-worthy though.

This dungeon could use a new coat of paint.

No, my first level wizard didn’t take Magic Missile as one of his spells. I thought that ventriloquism would be more useful.

Cancel the air strike – we can take these guys on hand-to-hand.

I feel it is better for my peasants to love me rather than fear me.

I think it best that we stick with the core rulebooks – the supplements don’t help us much.

Let’s make sure our campfire is big – it will scare away any potential threats.

Only use a half-flask of oil – I don’t want to waste it.

Let the princess rescue herself.

Combining Call of Cthulhu and Clue for the campaign was pure brilliant on your part.

I maxed out on the quirks for my character.

Forget the gold, dibs on those ingots of copper.

I toss down my weapon…time to get all MMA on this guy’s ass.

What would my dwarven fighter want with a warhammer (or battleaxe)?

I read something in one of the novels that might apply here, but we should just ignore it.

Before we move to the next room, let’s make sure we clean up our mess.

We tell the lord that he can keep the reward money, it was enough that we rescued his daughter.

The Dungeon Master is always right.

Have the artillery drop on our current position – I’m sure we’ll come through the barrage okay.

These odds seem imbalanced in this battle. I wish the DM would toss in a few more baddies for us to fight.

The best way to check for traps is to just walk down the hallway and see what happens.

We can trust the Drow assassin.

I never thought I’d say it but there IS such a thing as too much treasure.

My character is named Snooki.

There’s only one way to take out a giant, one-on-one combat using a sling.

We’ll attack the vampire lord’s crypt at midnight – when he’d least expect it.

Boy the DM is making this easy for us.

I don’t think that crack in my spacesuit helmet is big enough to warrant concern.

Excuse me, you forgot to make a random encounter roll.

My plan? Has anyone seen the movie, The 300 …?

…? I chug the holy water – does that heal my chest wound?

I’m pretty sure the dungeon is abandoned after all of these years.

I ignore the pentagram and burning candles on the floor.

This reminds me of the last time we played Chutes and Ladders…

We don’t have to fight those kobolds -we can probably outrun them and avoid the battle altogether.

The treasure you’ve described is too big for the creatures that were defending it. If you want we can give you a few minutes to scale it back.

The Prius will make a perfect getaway car.

Hold up there, isn’t that a bit of overkill?

Download a bootleg sourcebook for free? No thanks. I want to make sure the designers and the company get their fair share.

I ignore that strange character that has been trailing me. He’s probably just curious where I bought my boots.

The joke’s on you, I’m not wearing any armor.

Oh boy, strange glowing runes.

I step out onto the ice to test its thickness.

I’ll hold the torch while we wade across this pit filled with oil.

So the Codpiece of Arrow Attraction is a cursed artifact?

Don’t take that stuff from the tomb…were not grave robbers.

I’m not embracing the image you’re portraying, can you provide me more flavor text before I rush into battle?

I do my best fighting from high up in a tree.

We don’t have to burn that dead troll’s corpse.

My superhero took high speed flight but I didn’t take super strength. I mean how much damage can a landing do?

I invite the local magistrate and the captain of the city guard to kiss my codpiece.

Drat – I was hoping to simply incapacitate him.

Quick, punch a hole in the bottom of our boat.

Of course we will treat you mercifully if you surrender.

Hey buddy, I came into this pub for a cold drink, not to get sucked into some lame-ass adventure.

Just because he’s an old wizard doesn’t mean he’s high level…maybe he just got started late in life.

Maybe we shouldn’t blow up the building to take out the terrorists.

This probably isn’t a good time to mention that my wizard is out of spell components.

Let’s make this interesting – I’ll roll a lower number die for damage.

Sure it’s fair you make me fight then heal the rest of the party.

What do you mean there are no power ups in this game?

You guys are laughing with me, not at me, right?

How do I know if you’re not an evil cutthroat?

I shift into the difficult terrain for the battle.

Who would boobytrap a wooden chest? I’ll open it.

Can we wrap this game session up? The Kardashians are coming on in ten minutes.

Is there a minimum number of spells I have to take?

A strange smell fills the air? I breathe it in deeply.

My monk refuses to use weapons in battle. It would be dishonorable.

I know I fell 200 feet, but did you factor in I was wearing armor? That had to shave a few points of damage.

Guys draw your weapons. I need some practice with this new vorpal sword.

This character is too good, he’ll make the other characters look bad. Let me roll up something more mundane.

I’ll walk the next few miles – my horse could use a break.

I think you need to re-roll the damage. My character was carrying eight flasks of oil when the fireball hit him.

I know a shortcut through the ancient burial grounds that will save us time.

Quick, into the dark forbidding forest. We’ll be safe there.

The enemy is too stupid to set an ambush.

Don’t worry about them, ghosts aren’t real.

Oh good, a dark forbidding cave, that’s just what we needed.

I think it’s great that you’re checking online for clarification of that ruling.

I don’t care if it is a temple to an evil god, we shouldn’t desecrate it.

I’m not going to read that scroll, who knows what it might do.

Remember men, we’re not doing this for the money.

Hand me that bowl of celery, I need a snack before getting back to the game.

While we’re in the middle of this battle, perhaps we should stop here for the night and pick up in the fight next week.

They won’t respect you if you don’t insult them. Say something about his mother.

We happily pay the toll.

Doesn’t inflammable mean the same thing as fireproof?

I refuse to disbelieve.

If he wants to fist fight, then that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Why don’t you lead the party? I’m more of a follower anyway.

I drink the vial marked with the skull and crossbones.

See, setting fire to the Alchemist’s shop was a great idea.

Revenge just doesn’t feel in line with my character’s backstory.

I draw my tactical battle plans from the masters — Scooby Doo, Inspector Gadget, and Maxwell Smart.

I’m going to use the Top Hat from the Monopoly set to represent my character.

Hold your fire, we might hit innocent bystanders.

He’s down to one hit point…let him go, he’ll tell of this battle and send fear into the hearts of our enemies.

My motto: Always trust the corporation’s robot.

My character pretends to be a statue at avoid drawing attention.

I’ll take the late watch. Nothing ever attacks after midnight anyways.

We don’t need to double-tie the knots.

Well, if you say it’s in the rulebook, I trust you.

My “adventures” in my cubicle at work are much more fun than this game.

We set up our camp in the haunted graveyard.

Dragon breath can’t do too much damage.

We sure were lucky you played a Gnome character.

D&D? I thought we were going to play Mystery Date!