AUGUSTA, ME—Expressing frustration with his roommate’s apparent lack of hygiene and off-putting habits, college freshman Kyle Hayes told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed about having to room with Isaac Feldman, a 47-year-old adjunct professor at the University of Maine. “He’s always hitting me up for money and meal swipes, but my plan doesn’t really cover that,” said Hayes, adding that his roommate also tended to do these “weird exercises” in their living area to help with the back problem he developed in his early 40s. “Anytime I try to have people over, Isaac is always on my case about quieting down because he needs to stay up late grading papers about Heidegger or something. But he seems to have no problem covering his desk with empty ramen containers and pages from his doctoral thesis. Plus, he’s definitely been drinking my milk. I tried to talk to him about not going into my mini-fridge, but he’s always rushing out the door to pick up his daughter from his ex’s. Man, this whole situation sucks.” Hayes went on to stress that he would probably ask to switch to a different dorm if his roommate kept insisting that he be referred to as Dr. Feldman in conversation.

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