How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?

Woman A: I hate it. I always notice it, and it feels like shit. I was at the salon yesterday and a woman was complaining about getting "so fat" at her waitressing job and she was literally half my size. It made me feel like shit, and I felt bad for her, too. Stop thinking about yourself in such shitty, negative ways! It's so bad for you. Also, you're not fat. Fat is just a descriptor, and you don't match that descriptor in any sense of the word. So stop. Besides, if you have a rad waitressing job that feeds you amazing food, you should be nothing but thankful. Also, can I visit and eat for free?

Woman B: I'm always annoyed by people complaining about being fat, because without fail it's always someone thinner than me. Just today at work, a woman who has a very thin body complained to me about bloating after eating a piece of pizza and how terrible she was for eating the piece of pizza because bikini season was coming up and she has the tiniest little roll on her stomach. I literally turned to her and said, "Do you want to have a belly competition? Because I'll win."

How has your body image changed since high school? College?

Woman A: Yes, I always thought something was wrong with me. Like, why couldn't I lose weight when I tried so hard? I always excelled academically and succeeded at most things I put my mind to, so when I couldn't lose weight, I just thought I was weak and lazy, even though I tried SO HARD. It wasn't until I was 26 and read that I started to explore the actual science behind weight. When I began to understand that weight is like height — it's really hard to change from your set weight — I started down a path of acceptance.

Woman B: I was always a fat kid growing up, and then because of certain combination of medication, torturous dieting, and who knows what, I dropped down to 140 pounds for about a year during high school. That was the nicest people have ever been to me, which fucked me up something fierce. I knew my body was socially acceptable, but I still felt like garbage and I still hated how I looked even though I was finally at this ideal weight.

By the time I started college I gained back any weight I lost and then some and reached 220 pounds. I actually enjoyed my new curvy body, but my partner at the time didn't. Once we broke up and I started hooking up with people who appreciated my body, everything changed. I'm nearly 300 pounds now, and I've never felt sexier. My curves and rolls are soft and make me feel decidedly feminine, and I love it when I have a partner who isn't afraid to touch it and really sink their hands in.

Have you tried dieting? What happened?

Woman A: Yes, I've lost and gained over a hundred pounds. It always comes back — no matter how I diet. Even if it's just eating sensibly and exercising regularly — my body wants to be a certain weight and it always comes back to that weight. The same weight I was in high school. It's what my body wants to be at.

Woman B: I only fad-dieted once when I had a quack doctor tell me that the thyroid disease I had was bogus and that I should try the South Beach Diet instead. He was a doctor, so I foolishly assumed he knew best, so I listened, and I was turned into basically a monster for the two weeks I managed to last on the diet. It was horrible, being so hungry all the time. All I could think about was food. One of the recommended treats for those with a sweet tooth on South Beach is ricotta with a little vanilla. It was pretty tasty, like delicious Italian dessert filling. The low point of the diet was when I binged on a whole pint of ricotta and vanilla — because I was so, so hungry — and became extremely sick from it. I couldn't eat ricotta again for a few years.

Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?

Woman A: I think it's 90 percent genetic — my family is bigger and always has been. They also live for a long time and are overall very healthy, so I'm really lucky.

Woman B: I don't know if any of it is genetic. I have a thyroid disease, which is probably part of the reason I got fat in the first place, but it's been treated for years, so it's probably not why I'm fat now. I have no idea why I'm fat, and I personally don't care because my weight isn't what's important to me; what's important is how I feel and my quality of life. I'm going to eat and exercise as I see appropriate for myself, and I'm a pretty smart, grown-ass woman who has been living in this body for 28 years, so I think I'm the expert at taking care of it, you know?

Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?

Woman A: Yes, and all the fucking time. I was taking a yoga class that I go to regularly the other day and a new woman told me that "it gets easier." Like, dude, your form is terrible and you're a bad person. Go away.

Woman B: I could stand to be healthier, but I feel like the health stuff I'm failing at are also issues for my thinner counterparts. I should cook more and rely less on eating out, and I have a job that requires me to be chained to a desk for an ungodly number of hours. But I wouldn't say I'm unhealthy, and my doctor has run some pretty comprehensive tests that verify that.

Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you're at? Have they always been?

Woman A: My parents are cool in that they never, like, called me fat or anything like that. But my dad wanted me to drop out of college to go on a diet. For real. Now that I'm a successful adult, they don't bring it up, but I know, deep down, they wish I were skinnier.

Woman B: My mom has always been really amazing about instilling me with a positive body image. She never pointed out my weight as a kid in a negative way. She was always a chubbier woman, too, and I remember sitting down with her when I was about 13 and her telling me that there are men who "appreciate the pleasantly plump" which gave my boy-crazy self a lot of hope. She never made me feel like I should change how I look to be desirable or to be attractive, and that has stuck with me to this day.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-size people?

Woman A: Let us shop in stores! I hate ordering everything online.

Woman B: Plus-size retailers of the world: I am not a diva, so stop thinking my ass needs to be a bedazzled billboard for this non-fact. Otherwise, I'd like to see more stores carry clothes that are more in-style and on-trend. I know we're big and all, but I don't think it takes three extra years to sew our garments, right? Then why do most plus-size garments look so out of fashion?

Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men are? How?

Woman A: Yes, we are more often the butt of jokes in real life and also in movies and TV. There are so many fat microaggressions in entertainment and almost all of them are aimed at devaluing fat women. It sucks. That said, it's not easy for fat dudes either, even though I think it's more acceptable for women to date fat dudes, or whatever. I mean, look at TV in that regard. So many fat dudes and beautiful wives.

Woman B: I think plus-size men deal with a lot of the same discriminations that plus-size women do, especially in regards to assumptions that we are lazy and gluttonous. But I think women might be met with more pressure to lose weight in order to be considered a viable romantic or sexual partner. I've never been a fat man though, so I can't fully speak to that.

Do you think there's an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?

Woman A: That we're lazy and have no self-control. And my response is fuck you, I was at the top of my high school class and went to a highly competitive university in a program that's damn near impossible to get into. I know so many brilliant fat people. If you don't, then you live in a freaky bubble and I feel sorry for you. If you want to blow off fat people because of your lazy assumptions, that's your loss.

Woman B: Absolutely. The assumption is that fat people are lazy, eat too much, or are dumb or are any combination therein. I've also heard that fat women are easy. I've also heard that fat women never have sex, so I am not sure how one gleans that we are easy if they've never had sex with us. And how are you supposed to respond to that? It's nonsensical. I know fat women who could run laps around some of the twiggiest people I know, and I know fat vegans who eat kale like the earth is about to run out!

Do you think there's ever a right way or time to express concern about someone's weight?

Woman A: Are you their doctor and is it negatively impacting their health in a way you can meaningfully demonstrate? Then yes. If not? STFU.

Woman B: No. I don't believe being fat alone is necessarily a sign of ill health. If you're thinking about confronting someone about their weight, is it really the weight that you have an issue with? Do they seem more tired or out of sorts? Talk to them about that. Do they seem really unhappy about themselves? Maybe compliment them about how cool they are. If you're just concerned that someone doesn't look as attractive to you anymore, the problem is you, not their weight.

What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?

Woman A: All of it! Ranging from passersby just yelling "fatty" at me to a friend in high school who said she couldn't hang out with me anymore because her parents didn't want her having fat friends. For real.

Woman B: Once on Tinder, a guy messaged me to say, "I must have been in the mood for pork when I swiped right."

How did you respond?

Woman A: It depends on how I feel that day! When I was younger, it really fucked me up and shut me down. Now I'll usually yell something back or say something about how that behavior is not cool. I hope skinny people that hear the same shit would do the same. It's like whenever you see something screwed up happening see something, say something!

Woman B: I just replied with "oink oink."

What have people said (or do you wish they'd say) that would compliment your body or appearance?

Woman A: Lots of people say lots of nice things! I've always had awesome boyfriends and have great friends.

Woman B: I love it when partners comment on how soft I feel. I love being thought of as soft. But I think it's the same things any woman wants to hear — I want to hear that I'm sexy and desirable. I personally don't mind at all when a guy is vocal about being into my fatness. I'm actually super turned on. For me it's all about intent.

Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?

Woman A: My friends are all sizes! But I just happen to know more women who are thin. So I guess most of my friends are skinnier than I am.

Woman B: My friends come in all shapes and sizes, but I do seek out women for friendship who are fat specifically. There's certain aspects about living in a fat body my thinner friends just don't get, whether it's shopping or dating or sex or whatever.

How has your weight affected your sex life, if at all?

Woman A: Not really?

Woman B: I don't think my weight has held me back from being as sexual as I want be, which is incidentally pretty dang sexual. I'm definitely the most sexually active and adventurous of my friends, who range in size. It could also be a byproduct of getting older and being more experienced, but I've actually found my confidence and enjoyment of my body has only grown, even though I've put on a significant amount of weight. There's something about fat and fleshiness that makes me feel super feminine and sexual, especially when my partner feels the same way.

When you've been single, has your weight affected your dating life?

Woman A: I've never had any issues meeting dudes, IRL and online. In my online profiles, I'm always super upfront about being fat and use accurate photos. That way nobody can say shit. (On the other hand, I've had dates with dudes who presented with a full head of hair when that was far from the case in real life!)

Woman B: While my sex life has probably only benefitted from it, my dating life is a completely different story. Someone I was recently involved with talked to me about his experience of previously being "closeted" about his attraction to fat women. I asked him if I had met him a few years earlier if he would be interested in me, and he said he would be but he would never have approached me or talked to me then. Later on in a conversation, we were talking about how I've only really ever done online dating, and he said, "Why don't you meet guys when you are out? You are gorgeous." And I had to remind him of that fact that guys like him are actually ashamed to be seen out with me. I've also dated guys who just wouldn't introduce me to his friends or to his parents, and I feel like often it does come down to my weight.

Do you feel weird if the guy you're with only dates larger women?

Woman A: Yeah, totally. That's weird. I want someone to love me for everything about me, not just because of one thing. I think most people are like that?

Woman B: No, and I think women who do are still struggling with their own insecurities about being fat. I've never met a thin woman who said, "I'm really worried about how Kevin has only dated thin women — do you think he has a fetish?" I think the whole idea that dating fat women is a fetish is just another way to "other"-ize fat bodies and to reinforce that it's wrong or weird to have that kind of body.

Do you feel weird if he's only dated slimmer women before you?

Woman A: Not really. Just be awesome! I mean, this is so dumb and cliché, but you've got to love yourself and be confident before someone can love you. And if you're confident, who cares about that other shit? It's just noise. And, from experience, dudes have a much wider range of who they're attracted to than the media would have you believe. We're all capable and worthy of love, you just have to be brave enough to go out there and make it happen. Which can be damn hard if you're fat, because so many societal messages tell us we're unfuckable and unlovable. But I'm here to tell you, that is not the case in reality.

Woman B: If I am certain he's into my body, it's less of an issue, but this scenario is something I'm a little less comfortable with, only because I really want to avoid a guy being into me "despite" the fact that I'm fat. My body is a part of the whole package, and I prefer someone to be into all of it. Otherwise, I try to not get bogged down by who they've dated before me. What really matters is that I'm the one they're with in that moment, and as long as they respect me and recognize how how I am, what came before doesn't really matter.

Related: 11 Things You Should Never Say To A Fat Girl

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Photo Credit: Getty

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