In 1945, two brothers in Egypt found discarded biblical texts. In 1982, Paolo di Canio found a further manuscript in the same area. He gave it to me, Paulo di Coelho, last year. This is what it said.

Today is July 14th, 1089, and the town of Jerusalem, in which both Jews and Muslims live, will tomorrow be attacked by the Christians. All of us are sore afraid and have gathered in the square. Behold! A bald Brazilian man with a neatly cropped beard descends from a cloud.

A man asks him: "Speak to us about defeat." And the Brazilian answers: "Defeat is not so bad, for everything is part of the Divine Energy. Remember the Circle of Life. The gazelle may be eaten by the lion, but the gazelle eats the grass. Such is God's way."

Another man asks him: "Speak to us about platitudes." And the Brazilian answers: "If I can get away with this drivel, then there is hope for all of us. Even the most useless of you can appreciate the shining of the sun. Unless it is raining. Learn to take pride in all your achievements, however small. If you have stayed at home in bed, delight in the fact you have not driven your car and knocked over a pedestrian."

Another man asks him: "Speak to us about fear." And the Brazilian says: "None of us can escape the Unwanted Visitor of Death. So learn to chill out. A mountain is not afraid to stay in the same place. A man who has had one leg amputated is not so fearful of having the other one hacked off. You have nothing to lose but your limbs. Difficulty is the name of an ancient tool that was created purely to help us define who we are. Chisel is another."

Another man asks him: "Speak to us about beauty." And the Brazilian says: "Do not believe those who say it is only Inner Beauty that counts. Otherwise why would God have made me so handsome? Ugliness is a mask worn by hideous people who are too afraid to allow themselves to feel the Divine Energy and be loved. True Love, though, is the Love that Seduces and will never allow itself to be Seduced."

Another man says: "That's the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard. Surely anyone Seduced by True Love cannot Experience True Love?" And the Brazilian gave him a withering look of contempt before replying: "The rest is silence, Grasshopper."

A woman asks him: "Speak to us of sex." And the Brazilian says: "It is when two rivers meet to become a more beautiful, more powerful river. And if my meaning is still unclear, email me at holdmylovepump@gmail.com."

Another man asks him: "Why are some men poets and some men labourers?" And the Brazilian says: "One day a man shall come who will write, 'Close your eyes, yet do not sleep/ For I will take you to the Deepest Deep.' And that man will be me. Do not chastise yourself for being quite dim. For if you were bright, you would not buy this book and I would not be loaded."

Another man asks him: "Tell us what the future holds." And the Brazilian says: "The Unwanted Visitor may arrive at any moment. So always have clean underwear and take heed that one man went to mow, went to mow a meadow. Listen to the wind, but do not forget your horse. Or your lawn mower. Think also of a shelf that collapses and breaks an array of painted vases. But do not ask why. Do not fear failure. Each day is a new beginning, so treat it as if it were your last."

With that the Rabbi, the Imam and the Priest cry "Good idea" and kill themselves rather than each other, before a final man asks: "Speak to us of miracles." And the Brazilian says: "You've carried on reading till the end."

Digested read, digested: Manuscript Found in Adustbin.