I pushed open those auditorium doors brimming with confidence as my premed journey began both metaphorically and literally for my first chemistry course. After scanning the sizable room, I jetted straight to the front row; my rationale being the professor would see and immediately recognize me during my incessant trips to their office hours. I figured my ass kissing about their research would seem a lot more genuine if I had a front row seat to their lectures.

As class continued and I tuned out until the topic of grading was broached, I heard the professor mention that a curve would be utilized. It was at this very moment that I knew that my fellow peers that had the misfortune of befriending me would be on the receiving end of perpetual misinformation to further my placement at the higher end of the curve. Sucks to suck.

My eyes rolled to my right and to my left as I observed my competition. I saw voice recorders placed at the lip of almost every desk, hoping to document each second of what the professor was saying. I acted like I had contracted the plague and relentlessly coughed and sneezed as loud as I could, sabotaging their recordings so they wouldn’t be able to playback this lecture. That’s what you get when you actually record lectures during syllabus week.

I returned back to my dorm, sat comfortably at my desk as I raced onto student doctor network. I feverishly posted 12 threads about how well my first day of chemistry went so everyone else could know about it in hopes of lowering their self-esteem. I then continued to post 17 more threads asking how to start preparing for the MCAT even though it’s three years away.

Additionally, I made up research work that I was doing while I may or may not have humbly announced that I found a definitive cure for cancer. It’s not a lie if I’m really going to do it before I take the MCAT. I won’t really do it for society though, rather just something to put on my medical application for the adcoms to see. Well I gotta run now, I think my roommate is catching the flu. I can’t wait until a few years when I can actually treat ailing people like him to fund the three mansions I plan on building. Just kidding, I’m only practicing medicine in hopes of improving people’s quality of life. But actually if anyone knows any good real estate agents, let me know.