It’s only been on the air for a little over a week, but already Fox’s Alcatraz has made life extra-irritating for guides at the island prison, where they are now forced to deal with tourists wandering off in search of secret rooms and Sam Neill, apparently. A National Parks Services rep tells TMZ they’ve recently caught several people abandoning the tour and sneaking into closed areas, whereupon they confess that they’re looking for the Batcave-like control room they've seen on the show and which must, therefore, be real. (Of course, the article omits the possibility that this is just a cover story concocted by those sneaking off for some sweet, sweet prison sex.)


As a result, Alcatraz workers have now posted a sign that reads, “The TV show Alcatraz is fictional, many areas it depicts are not real. Closed areas protect you, historic structures and nesting birds,” thus superseding the obsessions of those unable to distinguish between fiction and reality by appealing to their sense of reason and sympathy for birds. This is no doubt the worst thing to happen to Alcatraz tour guides since So I Married An Axe Murderer inspired everyone to call them "Vicky” and ask them to tell the story about Machine Gun Kelly’s bitch. Though really, they never get tired of that.