A man dressed from head to toe in all he needs to survive makes his way through a deserted town – its one horse left a long time ago. His functional clothing (beanie, jacket, jeans) is a poor reflection of the person he once was. Before everything happened.

His stomach rumbled. Sifting through his bag, he pulls out a battered packet of rice which just screams “40% full” at him. Somehow, he knows he has four more mouthfuls remaining until starvation becomes an issue, towns like these offer hope of more food. It’s been hard, but he’s lasted longer than anyone would have expected. He can do this, there has to be more provisions in this town, all he has to do is–

“You are dead”

The player flips a table before dropkicking his dog out of the window. This is what DayZ does to you.

***

DayZ is one of the most captivating, punishing games on today’s saturated market. If you haven’t played it and consider yourself a hardcore gamer, you might just have to. Especially considering it teaches you these very important life lessons (at a poor framerate).

1. Rice is the backbone of any good diet.

In real life whenever I feel like I am dying from starvation (which is often because I weigh 14 stone), I simply crack open the nearest bag of pilau rice and bloody well have at it. It’s an absolute saviour in DayZ. You don’t even need to cook it, just like real life!

2. Water is important shit.

If you haven’t had a drink of water in the last hour, there’s a good chance you might DIE. Go and drink some immediately, but make sure it’s either from a well or in a dubious bottle of water in a stranger’s bedroom. Everything in your life might go weird and saturated otherwise.

3. Samey decor is so hot right now.

Ever wandered into six houses in a row only to find yourself in the seemingly same place each time? You might be in Chernarus, otherwise known as the real estate capital of the world. You don’t even need to buy one; simply sit on the floor and it’s yours! Warning: zombies appearing through walls is a constant hazard. The real life equivalent is a Jehovah’s witness with a kind smile.

4. People are absolute dickwranglers.

I don’t want to sound like an overbearing mother whose only friend is their child, but don’t trust anyone in this game. I once spent the best part of 12 hours exploring the grandeur of Chernarus with someone who I thought was a top guy. His name was on the Christmas card list and everything. But the second we both found guns? He completely changed and his axe changed from being in his hands to inside my brain.

5) If it’s broke, fucking fix it.

The DayZ Standalone is nothing if not ambitious. A little bit too ambitious? Maybe considering the amount of extra twiddly bits they keep adding on without first tightening up important things like walls being solid, falls from heights of 2ft proving fatal and being able to run the game on anything less than a supercomputer, they really should have calmed down.

With all that being said, I am off to the calamitous world of Chernarus to add some extra digits to my 36 hours of playtime already. Add me on Steam and I might just share a can of Tactical Bacon with you.