Scientists Predict All Erotic Asphyxiation Will Be Automated by 2028

PITTSBURGH — Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University released a disturbing report today predicting that 100% of erotic asphyxiation will be automated by the year 2028, potentially damaging multiple job-creating sectors.

“With the proliferation of smart technologies, Bluetooth devices, and sex dolls capable of choking the user, we predict that manual erotic asphyxiation will become a thing of the past,” states the peer-reviewed report from CMU’s Heinz College of Information Systems and Public Policy. “We have tested all available technology-assisted methods, and can confirm that they are way, way better. There will be no reason to use your own hand or tie your own noose just to get that perfect nut.”

Lead researcher Dr. Sally Deng elaborated on the ramifications.

“While it seems like an innocuous change in societal behavior, the effects could be far reaching,” explained Dr. Deng. “For example, many people don’t realize that 62% of belt and noose sales go to the art of erotic choking to enhance the pleasure of masturbation — many companies won’t be able to withstand the reduction in sales. Also, funeral homes will see a severe dropoff in business, as these smarter technologies are over 81% better at avoiding fatal results that are totally Google-able. We have surviving relatives to think about here.”

The trend of automation is already starting to have negative effects on small business owners.

“I run a website that features tutorials, tips, and forums for all your choke-bating needs, but traffic is declining steadily declining,” said Rick Sabbatini, owner of ChokingTheChicken.edu. “With all this new technology and code and algorithms, people aren’t going to need to teach themselves the self-choking arts. Maybe a small, underground community of previously unsatisfied women and recently divorced dudes will keep the old ways alive for future generations. We can only hope.”

As of press time, every researcher on the Carnegie Mellon team has been fired after it was revealed that funding was intended to be used for researching the prevention of “aquatic asphyxiation” for marine biologists using lower-cost submarines.