Deacons Repeatedly Ask Reformed Man To Please Stop Headbanging To 'A Mighty Fortress'

PITTSBURGH, PA—At Hope Presbyterian Church this past Sunday, local hardcore Reformed man and neo-Calvinist Jake Washer was quietly sitting, enjoying the service when he heard a sound that stirred his heart: the powerful opening notes to "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" blasting out on the church's pipe organ.

Literally unable to control himself, Washer stood, lifted his hands in the sign of the "evil eye," and began carrying out a rockin' headbanging performance worthy of a Megadeth show.

Deacons immediately rushed to contain the situation, asking Washer to control himself or he'd have to be escorted out of the building. Washer wouldn't be shaken, however, saying the powerful call of the song on his heart was "irresistible."

"A MIGHTY FORTRESS IS OUR GOD!!!" he bellowed, thrashing around as though he was at a Rage Against the Machine concert. "A BULWARK NEVER FAILING! WOOOOOO! YEAH, MARTIN LUTHER, ROCK ON!!!"

Finally, deacons tackled the man and escorted him from the building, but not before he momentarily broke away and shredded an air guitar solo to the line, "His kingdom is forever."

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