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AS THE JURY is selected and a trial lasting possibly six weeks commences in Dublin over the alleged false imprisonment of former Táiniste Joan Burton, many people have expressed worry over the amount of attention required in order to reach their own, well researched verdict.

With the potential for literally minutes of the general public’s time to be wasted by reading accounts of the trial in national and local newspapers, there has been an outcry for the need to be able to reach a verdict in the court of public opinion in an expedient manner which requires next to no brain power.

After consulting legal experts, WWN is on hand to unveil a way to reach a verdict in the trial without actually having the follow any of it, thus saving thousands of people from the ignominy of staying well informed with as many impartial accounts and facts.

Guilty or not guilty? That’s actually not really the question. Consider yourself unburdened from the burden of proof with our handy legally sound method of trialling the accused. This balanced, unbiased method can help you reach a verdict which no one can cast doubt upon:

C’mon, have you ever been to Jobstown

I mean, c’mon.

Ah, the old ‘we’ll protest anything crowd’

Need we say more.

Hang on, this so-called ‘protest’ took place during the day?

God, that must have been very difficult, you know, for such a large group of ‘protesters’ to get all that time off work, you know, from the jobs they all obviously have.

Anti-war politicians…I see

Are they the crowd that just want to stop paying off the bank debt as well, I suppose, ah yeah bring on utter chaos, what harm. That’s what my tax is paying for is it? When I pay their wages?

Will they be delivering their evidence via iPhones or 90″ plasma TVs?

Hmm. How much do they cost again? And how much does the dole handout, no questions asked these days?

Alternatively, there is another method, vetted by more legal experts which could also be used as a method by which you can deduce the innocence or guilt of anyone really.

Locked in a car? Oh, no tell us more about how bad Guantanamo Bay was for you again

What planet are the government parties on?

There were a lot of gardaí there, suppose they couldn’t be doing something more useful like solving crimes or anything, no?

Fine Gael’s SS division alive and well, I see. Don’t worry, we have the fascist’s badge number.

You mean, you didn’t know the government was spending €100 million on this trial to suppress us ‘plebs’?

€100 million and the rest. So this is what my tax is going on?

Distressed? From being in a car for a few minutes? Ah cop on

Ivory towers is it? That you’re used to? Well, I hope you don’t have any long term psychological scars from meeting the people you’ve murdered with austerity.