By / August 1, 2012 / Every time some complete fucking nutball opens fire on a bunch of innocent people, we get the usual “this is not the time to talk about gun control” bullshit from the NRA and the right wing. Well, when is the time? Never, really, because it’s a right that most red-blooded gun advocates will only see pried from their cold, dead hands. Which, ironically, could happen because of their belief in their beloved firearms. Advertising does play a small role in this, which I’ll get to later, but first, the gun issue. We need to talk about it after what happened in our own backyard. If The Denver Egotist’s goal is to help Denver Suck Less, I think less dead innocent people would be less sucky. Yes? The usual arguments are out there, always, about the reasons we can’t have gun control. It’s in the 2nd Amendment, which was written centuries ago (when people had to own a gun to stop someone stealing their land and raping and killing their whole family). The 2nd Amendment seems to be untouchable, and that’s horseshit. We have impositions on our first amendment rights. We’re not allowed to say whatever the fuck we want, whenever we want, to whomever we want. But you dare restrict firearms, and you’re some lefty communist faggot. I guess I am. Then there’s the whole protection issue. Let’s take the recent tragedy in Aurora, which is obviously why I’m writing this piece. The guy who opened fire on the theater was dressed from head to toe in SWAT gear, armed like Rambo, and had the added bonus of a gas mask (which came in very handy when he tear-gassed the whole audience). The yahoos out there are saying “if there’d been someone there with a gun, it would have been a different story. So don’t go takin’ our guns away!” Really? First, as far as I know, Colorado allows you to carry firearms with a concealed weapons permit. So…where the fuck were all those gun-toting people?! Here are two facts for you: 1 – It is completely legal to conceal a firearm in a movie theater in Colorado, as long as you have a license (which is easy enough to obtain). 2 – You don’t need to know how to operate a gun, or demonstrate that ability, in order to own and carry a firearm. So, let’s recap. The current laws ALLOWED there to be a slew of heroes “packing heat” in the audience that day. The fact the there weren’t any proves one thing: it means fuck all to have a gun if you’re not actually going to carry the damned thing. And who takes a fucking gun to a movie theater anyway? If you saw a gun tucked into someone’s belt as they were in line for The Dark Knight Rises tomorrow, you’d shit a brick and call the police. Unless you had your own gun, which could result in a shootout and two dead “heroes.” But if there actually had been a hero there with a gun, he or she was outgunned and would have had no way to combat the tear gas. Basically, firing a gun blindfolded into a crowd in the hope of hitting the target. Think that would have helped? What if 10 people there had been carrying? Oh the joy of all those bullets going back and forth in a crowded place filled with innocent families. Maybe James Holmes would have been hit, but how many others would have been shot in the process. Tell me I’m wrong on any of that. Tell me you, with your gun, if you’d been there, would have made a difference. Liar. Because we also have to realize that no one, not even you Mr. Tough Fuy, knows how they will react in that kind of situation. You could be a dead shot at the range, but those paper targets don’t fire back. That movie theater was a night and day situation. You’re under fire, unexpectedly, and the maniac has way more ammo and armor than you. He’s ready. You’re not. When was the last time you were at the range? When did you practice? Have you ever taken a life? Could you? Would you freeze? You don’t know. Not unless you’ve had real training or seen combat, in which case, you’re not an average Joe anyway. There’s this little gem. Guns don’t kill people, people do. (Had to be an ad exec somewhere behind that one.) “Cars kills thousands of people every month, cars aren’t made illegal. Smoking kills, that’s legal. Alcohol kills, that’s legal.” Blah blah blah. So here’s a question. What is the purpose of a car? Is it to pile into a crowded bus stop and wipe out everyone? Is alcohol designed to give everyone cirrhosis of the liver? Are cigarettes designed to destroy anyone who lights up? (Well, maybe, but that’s not what the manufacturers say.) Conversely, is a gun designed to hold a flower in the barrel, or to be used as a prop in family photos? It can be, but the primary use for a gun is to kill things. People, animals, silly paper targets, the gun is designed and manufactured to maim, kill and destroy. So that old “you wouldn’t ban cars even though they kill people” is a bunch of crap. 99.99% of us buy a car as transportation. People who buy guns want something that fires bullets. True, they may also want to look cool, impress someone, or compensate for other areas in which they are sadly lacking, but first and foremost, they want a killing machine. So can we please put that one to bed? Thanks. We also have people saying “criminals will get hold of them regardless, so why punish good, law-abiding citizens?” I agree. Hardened criminals will always find a way to get a gun. They have connections in the black market, ties with drug cartels, or underground networks that make them available. James Holmes was no hardened criminal. In fact, most of these nutjobs who kill dozens of people are not hardened criminals. They’re crazy, insecure, and wouldn’t know where to start if guns were made illegal. I couldn’t tell you how to get hold of a pound of pure heroin, or $1 million in counterfeit bills. That’s not going to stop a major criminal. But I can tell you exactly what to do to acquire some major firepower. If it was made illegal, those stores were shut down, the Internet sites removed, and mainstream access was denied to the public, I wouldn’t have a clue. And how about the final argument? Guns are for hunting. Fuck you. Sure, a shotgun or a rifle can be used for hunting. I don’t see the need for hunting anyway, but if you must shoot a fucking deer to make up for the fact you have a tiny penis, go ahead. It’s your right, I guess. But who needs an AK-47 or AR15 to go hunting? Who needs an Uzi to shoot a duck? Who needs a .44 Magnum to kill a rabbit? The damned thing is so big, and so hard to control, it would be useless for most people anyway. If we must have legal guns (and America must, it seems, because the guys who owned slaves said it was a good idea) then there should be SEVERE limits placed on gun ownership. The type of guns available, the caliber, the training required. Shit, you need a license to drive a fucking car, but a gun, you don’t have to prove anything to own one. Why is it such a horrible idea to limit gun sales and usage? Shouldn’t it be really, really hard to buy a big-ass gun? And the ads for guns, let’s talk about those as this is an ad blog, after all. You don’t see a lot of them, blatantly anyway, although if we’re honest Hollywood is one huge ad for the gun industry. They make them as cool as riding a Harley while Kate Upton is riding you. But when we get our hands on a brief to do something for a gun store, we do the kind of juvenile crap that would get us kicked out of creative school. And it works, which is the tragedy. Ads featuring scantily clad models shooting machine guns. Guys ducking and weaving like James Bond before firing off hundreds of rounds from his phallic firearm. And awful tweets (which are really miniature ads themselves) from organizations like the NRA that try and be clever and relevant, but fail miserably. Let’s turn our back on these ads and do something positive, shall we? How about we, in the ad industry, get behind gun control? We’re smart enough; we’ve got the brains and the means to do it. How about a kick-ass series of posters rallying against guns and the NRA, who have more money than God and Bill Gates combined. Well, enough to buy all the members of congress anyway. Submit your best anti-gun poster designs to [email protected] and we’ll create a gallery. Maybe we can even find a local printer to churn a few out for us and we can sell them to raise money for the victims of the Aurora massacre. Guns may be necessary, but only in the hands of trained professionals and the military. A society free to carry guns is a society living way in the past, and we should be better than that. The fact that we continue to crave them, and many more people die in this country from gun related injuries than any other civilized country, says a lot. OH, and I’m talking percentages of the population, before anyone says “that’s ‘cos ‘Merica has more people in it, dumbass.”