The folks at Princeton University once defined kissing as the act of caressing with the lips. However, this definition was penned ages back by a bunch of old fogies who were probably researching on tadpole sperm at that time and got carried away.Whatever it may be, the truth is that westerners know how to kiss well, Indians don’t, though we write Kamasutra. Here then is an idiot-proof kissing guide for modern India

WHAT YOU’LL NEED LIPS

A member of the opposite sex (not really necessary) close to you. It must be someone you know; you cannot be kissing anyone you like. Remember, unlike other forms of solo lovemaking, kissing is not possible without the presence of another human being unless you have a fetish for soft toys or mannequins.

PRIVACY

Truckoads of lust, or shitloads of Viagra

A tongue

Dentures, if you’re over 70

Poison pills, or noose-quality rope, if the Viagra doesn’t

work

THINGS TO DO BEFORE THE KISS:

Rubbing sugar on your lips will make them moist and puckable. Remember, the opposite sex loves to chew on wet and moist lips, so go ahead and make them moist. If rubbing sugar on lips is your style, go ahead; spilling spit or drooling deliberately is fine too, especially if you possess slumdog attitude.

Look casual, yet inviting. Avoid looking like an unkempt Govinda and avoid looking like a Nobel Prize attendee. You’re here to snog, not to slum it out or win the Oscars.

Floss your teeth well. No member of the opposite sex likes to see a putrid piece of garlic or soft squid fibre fall into his/her mouth in the middle of a heavy-duty kissing session. If your mouth smells like the exhaust pipe of a 1940 truck, brush your teeth well.

Make eye contact, smile, don’t cross your arms, don’t put your hand on your face, and above all remember to keep the results of your recent blood examination in your shirt pocket just in case you’ve got a picky partner.

THINGS TO DO JUST, JUST BEFORE THE KISS

Hold your partners hand or make some kind of innocent touch contact such as touching his/her shoulder with your hand. Do not get carried away and begin rubbing the unmentionables well, at least at this stage.

Tenderly whisper a clever line into your partner’s ear unless your partner’s deaf. Make them think you’re the Napoleon of intelligence. However, don’t get carried away and say things like, ‘I know how to make a multimedia flick with my mobile and you won’t even know I’m making one’. And do not try to be excessively clever by mouthing idiocies such as, ‘I thought, I thought but the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought’.

Now lovingly look at your partner’s lips and try to make your lips quiver like a doggy desperately trying to beat constipation. You cannot be looking at your partner’s lips for hours, okay! max 30 seconds is all you have.

Maintaining eye contact, and by using your hands, bring your partner closer to yourself. Don’t make them uncomfortable though this is procreation, not defecation. Make both your heads tilt so that they form the alphabet X.

THE KISS

Your lips must be relaxed when you start kissing. Stiffening the lips, especially the upper lip, will make you British.

As your lips touch each others, close your eyes. This will especially help you escape nausea if your she-partner has a grossly hairy upper lip.

Kiss your partner’s upper or lower lip gently. Indian men crush their lips on their partner’s lips as if there is no tomorrow.

Now open your eyes and gaze into your partners eyes. Lock your lips again and move your mouth like a cow-chewing-cud.

Extract mouth, and repeat this cow-chewing act 3-4 times. Now, dart your tongue into your partner’s mouth and generally behave like a Bullfrog catching fireflies. If you stop at Step (4) above and do not progress to the tongue stage, then you ought to consult a physician who treats premature ejaculation.

If you like your kiss to be passionate, hold your partner’s neck while kissing. Remember to hold their back of the neck and not the front. Else, you’d be kissing a corpse for all you know.

KISSING DON’TS

Did you try this kissing guide on your evil boss’s wife at a party thrown by your boss, right when the boss was standing next to her? Shucks, you should have read our Platonic kissing guide (yet to be published).

Do not dart your tongue furiously into your partner’s mouth if s/he’s wearing braces. This can cause tongue paralysis. If you don’t want to listen to us, carry band-aid.

While kissing, focus on the job at hand and don’t let stray thoughts such as I hope those two huge hairy warts on his face are his noose goobers and that they will soon blow away, interrupt your love.

If she’s taller than you by a couple of feet, then it’s time you stopped kissing and enrolled in the circus. There, were done. Follow this guide and you can kiss your aah goodbye! Have fun.