Which of the following headlines is a spoof? “Schools to teach children there are ‘100 genders or more’”, “Boys can have periods too, children to be taught”, “Schools to give happiness classes”, or “Children as young as six are to be given compulsory self-touching lessons”?

The answer is, of course, none of them. It’s a lunatic-initiative-a-day here in barmy Britain – with that last one just the latest to be announced.

Yes, as part of classes that will become compulsory in hundreds of primary schools across the country, children as young as six are being taught about “stimulating” their own genitals – alongside times tables, and how to identify an adjective. Those of us who chanced upon the article on Sunday, in which details of the Government’s freshly overhauled RSE curriculum for six- and seven-year-olds were laid out had a few choice adjectives of our own.

But those were quickly silenced by the assertion, on the official government website, that “parents will not be able to withdraw their child from Relationships Education in primary school or secondary school”.

And yet as part of a new RSE teaching programme sickeningly called “All About Me” – which is currently being rolled out to Year Two pupils across 241 Warwickshire County Council primaries and could be adopted by other local authorities next September – a section entitled “Touching Myself” advises teachers to tell children that “lots of people like to tickle or stroke themselves as it might feel nice”. They are also instructed to inform youngsters that this may include touching their “private parts”, which, far from being “dirty”, is, in fact, “very normal”.