It’s more like a crate. No, that doesn’t sound much better. Think of it as a pen, but not like a pigpen. Forget I said that. It’s more like a kennel, but for your kid. A kiddie kennel. Shoot. I seem to be a little tongue-tied here, and feel like at this point it’s worth mentioning that I do not think your child is an animal. Oh boy. Let me try again.

Technically speaking your child isn’t in a “cage,” he or she is awaiting transfer to the Department of Health and Human Services in an enclosure surrounded on all sides by chain-link fences with netting at the top. See, DEFINITELY NOT A “CAGE.”

Besides, philosophically speaking don’t we all live in cages? Sure, mine is a $15,000 a month penthouse with Central Park views, but still, it is a cage nonetheless.

What makes me an expert on cages, you ask? Simple. For four years, I spent three hours a day in “The Cage.” “The Cage” is the room where my crew team worked out at my elite private high school.

Another thing, your child is not in a “prison.” I know this because I’ve seen every season of Prison Break, even the crummy fifth season, and where your child is being held is nothing like Paul Scheuring’s hit show. The building where your child is being held has none of the plotting, passion, or romance found in Prison Break. It’s just a warehouse full of crying kids, and good luck turning that into a hit network drama!

Your child is being held in a camp. And who doesn’t love camp?! Name one bad camp in the history of all camps. You can’t! I concentrated for like ten minutes, and couldn’t think of one.

I understand your concern. But, you need to relax. And you can trust me; I had several trust funds! Your child is being fed, and given access to showers and clean clothes. These kids are just a bit stressed because they don’t know if they are going to see their parents again. But like I said, relax. They almost certainly will!

This whole “separating families at the border” thing would really be a lot easier for me, a lifelong conservative who is focused on family values, if you and your family hadn’t come to the United States in the first place. If you all stayed put, I’d have significantly less awkward dinner conversations with my teenage daughter, Sarah, who apparently became a communist during her freshman year at Smith. It’s not a hard thing to do. Take me for example, I was born on Nantucket, and I still spend every summer there, in one of my three McMansions. See, it’s that simple.

People have been asking how I would feel if one of my kids were taken from me. This is another easy question. Personally, I’d be thrilled if someone kidnapped Sarah. Maybe when I paid her ransom in cold hard cash, she’d finally be glad that her dad is a proud capitalist and not some Marx-loving loser like her boyfriend, Jacob.

You and I really aren’t so different. Right now, your child is leverage to help President Trump achieve his hardline immigration agenda. I also used Sarah as leverage during the divorce with my ex-wife, and it worked out great for me. So it probably will for you too!

I hope you find this flier, written exclusively in English, very helpful for you and your family!