I’ve always considered selfishness — in all forms — to be something that I should avoid. When seen in such a light as this video it makes it clear that selfishness can be an ugly quality.

So I strive to put others first, to see myself as lesser than others. I like to keep the peace.

I’m not trying to come across as ‘holier than thou’, I certainly can be and have been selfish. But being selfless generally appears to make others happy and in turn that has made me happy.

I have led a less dramatic, perhaps even less traumatic existence as a result, which has been a nice bonus. But it’s definitely also meant denying myself a lot of potential personal joys.

But that was ok, because I reasoned ‘you can’t be too selfless… right?’

Wrong. It turns out you can. And I’ve been super guilty of it for a long time. And it’s actually resulted in a few unhappy experiences. That’s both unbalanced and unfair.

That’s been a hard truth to realise and accept. And it’s even harder to put into practice when you’ve convinced yourself that, if in doubt, the selfless way is the right way.

The problem with being too selfless manifested itself in two massive areas of my life: the demise of some of my personal relationships and the downturn and death of my first business.

It turns out when you give-give-give, receivers get used to being able to take-take-take. I’m not saying that they’re always unappreciative or don’t notice what you’re doing for them, but they are subconsciously being trained, like animals, that when they want/need something they can turn to you because you’re the one who gives.

Imagine if that guy went out in the street wearing that same suit stocked with bills every day. Eventually people would realise and he’d be mobbed and within minutes all of it gone.

But let’s bring it back to real life. Here are a few practical examples which I’m sure you’ll be familiar with:

A friend may keep pushing the boundaries of your altruism until they go too far and do something that really hurts.

Some clients might keep expecting free-of-charge work if you keep giving it to them.

A crying baby could grow up to be a spoiled brat if you always give in to its whining (for proof, just watch any episode of Supernanny).

A pet cat will keep eating if you keep supplying food every time it calls for it, even to its own detriment.

You keep giving in in these situations and people are gonna get hurt.

It might not be as soul-destroying as being a doormat or a whipping boy, but the consequences can still leave a mark that drastically impacts on the lives of a number of individuals, especially your own. It can even affect the courses of whole companies.

I had to learn the hard way to draw a line in my selflessness. I failed at recognising where the limit of it should be and this cost me even more failures. It affected others negatively too, in fact, the very people I was trying to please.

I also missed out on opportunities to do things that could have been ‘successes’ for me personally, but my time and attention were diverted elsewhere.

This definitely felt like failure and trust me, it wasn’t a good feeling.

Time for a change.