Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Sheepfucker Ramsey

IN: Sigmund

The worst punt I’ve taken so far is gone from my life. Ramsey I thought was a cheeky differential but instead he maintained horrendous form through a run of absurdly easy fixtures and was a piece of complete shit. I’ve had enough trial separation from Siggy after transferring him out a long while ago and feel ready to welcome him back into the fold. Not an ideal fixture at City but with no blank and good upcoming fixtures he feels like a very nice addition and a safe hold for the medium term as they are playing some good stuff and seem to have properly turned a corner.

GK: Heaton obv. 4 pointer incoming I think with some saves and 1 goal conceded.

DEF: After rightly being concerned about my three away defenders last week in which they all returned 2 points this week it’s the reverse with three homes. I’m feeling pretty good about getting some nice defender points this weekend. Alonso has a bad fixture but he’s bad so let’s not go. Will never consider benching him with his attacking threat and Chelsea winning to nil at home is not such an unreasonable thought to me either. Brunt and Baines both have very titful home fixtures so I’m expecting at least one clean between the two and hopefully more.

MID: Pen vs pen Siggy v Yaya. I think actual Mike Dean is reffing this game…..so……yeah. Gimme some fucking penises bro. Yaya has two more games on my side and I’d be thrilled if he gets one more return in those two. Not too hopeful since he’s playing center back but with pens there is always hope. Alexis goes as usual…hopefully he will be back at central striker but either way it’s a tough fixture but at least can finally genuinely root for him for points as I think the number of owners ahead of me who don’t own him will outnumber the number of owners ahead of me who will captain him. Finally, game number two for Alli in my side. Hoping they turn them over after such a ridiculously disappointing result at the Stadium of Light midweek.

FWD: Zlatan is growing tiresome. He will turn into Rom after GW25 I think. At Leicester is a pretty great fixture though so hopefully he does whatever. Crouch I cannot not start he’s just been a festival and I love him. He will have a tough time this weekend at West Brom but who knows he’s in terrific form so I’m planning on starting him for these next two before reassessing. Finally, Kane.

CAP: Kane. Again, no real question about it for me. He has a great fixture and even though they were shit midweek I’m just keeping the arm band blindly on him. I think he’s the best captain pick for the weekend and with his ownership still fairly low a big game from him would reallyyyyyyy have me flying in the rankings. Spurs are still a titfest and capable of putting 4 past any bottom half side so hopefully they do it this weekend. So in summary: odds are Eriksen has a 16 pointer and Kane blanks. Story of my fucking life.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: Le Donq Giroud, P. Jones, de Roon

IN (For -4 Pts): Ashley Barnes, Federico Fernández, KDBBBBBBBbbbb

Soooo hi :)… I went a little nuts but god it feels good. Giant weight off my dick as I was feeling down in the dumps and the pressure was on… I mean what can be said? I just brought in arguably two of the worst two starting footballers in the league, voluntarily, but also Kevin :)… Giroud had to go, I expect him to ride the pine for the foreseeable future as Arsenal have been bad since he’s been a starter end of. Phil Jones is dead as usual and de Roon has been a great fifth midfielder servant but his time has run up, I guess I’m kind of a 3-5-2 guy now, it’ll be a weekly fight between Barnes and Stan for now.

It’s a really bad sign if I feel the need to type out the full names of the lads I’m transferring in because if I just put Barnes and Fernandez… I duno who knows. Barnes is the cheapest guy who starts basically, he’s 4.5 and he starts, and he’s actually been returning pretty OK especially considering the murderers’ row of fixtures he’s been in. Fernandez is shit and Swans are still shit but they’ve been kinda ok lately, they have no blanks, and they have some pretty decent fixtures. And Kevin is a ginger legend god amongst men. Spoiler alert he’s my captain and I’m ready to fuck. He’s got home Swans and away to Bournemouth and I need some serious points from him in these two bankers.

GK: The guy Lee Grant. He’s still a legend even though every time I write lams I’m wildly jealous of Heaton. At West Brom this year is a hard fixture to clean but he’s seen an uptick in saves lately so maybe can get me some save points and a bap or three.

DEF: Like Walsh said Alonso is a start blindly never leave my side kind of player. He’s soooo attacking and Chelsea are soooo good defensively that it doesn’t matter who they’re playing. He can assist or goal or clean vs any team in the league. Vamos Marcos. I also have Bainesy who, with no blanks and great fixtures upcoming, will be starting weekly in my side through at least GW29 and hopefully has some pens and tits to come with him. It’s been frustrating watching Coleman pickup attacking returns in three straight while Baines has none in that time but the pens and the quality will shine through I’m confident. And lastly back to my old friend Holes. I downgraded my defensive unit pretty big time with this triple transfer wildcard insanity, and Holes is gonna have to pickup some slack. He’s back off of his suspension and he’s got home Burnley so a nice chance to please me. Come on Χοσέ Λόυντ Χολέμπας (his name in Greek wtf).

MID: Alexis as usual and again I’m doubling up on Walsh’s sentiments. At Chelsea hopefully the captaincy will be not fucking insane over 50% shit and we can actually root for our guy to score points instead of having to weigh out the consequences of him scoring + us not captaining him. Has been annoying. But moving back to CF I’d probably expect him to return he’s just so good when up there. And probably a cap next week. Firmino keeps his place in the side with the three amigos hopefully all starting this week at Hull. We’ll need firepower to break this Hull side down as they’ve been a tough nut to crack lately. Firm might still be out soon but pfffff I duno. Alli gets round 2 for me too but I have no words. He fucking destroyed me last week and I’m just expecting him to rattle off blanks for several weeks in a fucking row since I transferred him after scoring 8 dongs in 6 games. Yay life. But everything feels better with Prince Harry Kevin of De Bruyne in your side. It just feeeeeeeeels good. That powder blue, that points potential, that ceiling soooo high, home Swans god it looks good. I sewed a little captains badge right on his fucking sleeve and I think he’s getting on fine in the locker room. He’s in great form and he will carry me to scenic rises.

FWD: Three meh guys but three incredible fixtures. Old man Zlatz is at Leicester who are horrible and maybe he’ll start running or jogging some more so he can get into good positions to actually score or do anything. But who knows he might blank for a month or two before going on another festive run. He probably gets like baby blood transfusions or something and then goes on dong streaks. Big Rom has been a big pile for me since bringing him in but still gotta stick with the system and believe I made a good sensible logical decision. He has yet another incredible banker home Bournemouth this week and he has no blanks so please pull another run of form out of your fucking ass Romelu immediately. And lastly the new chap Ashley Barnes from a place called Dunkerton. Cometh the Ashley cometh the hour. At Twatford I know Burnley are an absolute joke on the road but also since Ashley has started their only road games have been at Arsenal, at Man City, at Spurs, and he’s returned in 2/3! So fuck it! Fuck their away form Barnes shits on away form. He’s gonna tit, I need him to. Benching Stanislas this week as Everton have been incredible at the back lately even though Stan is probably on pens for the rest of the season with Callum’s death.

CAP: Already revealed and not too much to add here. Kevin Kevin Kevin. Incredible fixture, unplayable player, good form, team donging for fun, let’s fuck and take me up to heaven. Huge differential might mean huge rises for me… One can dream… please.