Re:Catching up

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

To me | 10:13 AM (2 hours ago)

I'm not going to the ER. I'm not sick. Well, okay, that's not true. I am sick, just not the way I thought.

Blake, I don't even know how to start here. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. What I did to you, the things I did and said...I was so fucking horrible to you. I was angry, I didn't want to hear what you were saying and so I lashed out and you almost...it would have been my fault. It is my fault. I'm a goddamn piece of work.

I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. My heart was beating too fast and whenever I closed my eyes it felt like somebody was watching me. The car was too small and I was so fucking cold. I ended up getting out, trying to stretch my legs. I couldn't stop shaking. At first, I thought it was from the cold. Now…

I saw Raven. She was standing under the a lamp post down the street. It was surreal. She was just standing there, staring at me. I walked towards her, I tried calling out to her. I thought she was following me. I asked her what she was doing here, but she didn't answer. She just shook her head, like I was a child and she was scolding me for something. Then, when I was maybe a dozen yards from her she...changed into a bird - an actual raven - and flew away.

It was fucking terrifying. I ran back to my car and locked myself inside. My chest felt tight. I was having a hard time breathing. It took me a really long time to calm myself down, and I decided it was worth burning the gas to heat the car for a while to kind of help. When I was warm and in my right mind again, I realized I couldn't stop my hands shaking.

Qrow tried to quit drinking once before, did you know that? We were younger, before high school. Mom and Dad insisted on putting him up and helping him out. He tried to quit cold-turkey at first. I heard him up pacing at nights, saw the way his hands would shake at breakfast. He was nervous all the time and he complained about how horrible his stomach felt, or how he'd see things he knew couldn't be real. I should have recognized this shit sooner.

I don't know what I can do, Blake. I can't sleep, I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I don't think I can drive anywhere safely, not like this. Not if I'm seeing things. And it's not exactly like I can get liquored up and drive home. I'm trapped out here.

And that's not even the worst of it. You were the one who saw the warning signs. You weren't even here and you knew I was getting in over my head. You were so right about me, again and again you've been right about me. You tried to look out for me, to take care of me, and all I did was throw it back in your face, and yell, and hurt you. You deserve better than that. Better than me. At least I was right about one thing. I really am just a pathetic bimbo, trying desperately to force myself on you, ready to drag you down into the dumpster fire I'm apparently determined to make of my life.

Maybe I'm more like Adam and Ilia than I thought. We've all hurt you, I was just the only one stupid enough to not know what she was doing. I'm such a fucking hypocrite.

I'm sorry Blake. For everything I put you through. I don't know what to do or how to get home from here. I don't know if I can bring myself to call Dad. I don't know if I could stand to tell him.

Maybe you'd all be better off if I just stayed out here. Maybe I could finally stop hurting the people I love for a change.

For now though, I think I'm going to buy a bottle of wine from that grocery store on the corner and try to get some sleep. Be nice to get back to something I know I'm good at.

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Sent from: Ottawa Illinois