LONDON—In response to the covertly recorded footage of European leaders mocking the U.S. president, a jilted Donald Trump announced Wednesday the official formation of a cooler, way more powerful NATO with his new best friends Oman, Macedonia, and Suriname. “We are going to have so much fun without you losers,” said the U.S. commander in chief of the impromptu new intergovernmental alliance he formed after proclaiming that “the old NATO is stupid,” explaining that he had already poured billions of dollars of funding into the collective to ensure they have the “best summit ever.” “France and Canada think they’re so cool, but we could totally destroy them in a fight. I already met with Qaboos, Stevo, and Dési, and we’re gonna get matching satin jackets and they’re gonna look sick.” At press time, Trump was already threatening to pull out of his newly formed alliance after accusing its members of not paying their fair share of the budget.

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