Tracking Status for Package Updated To “Stolen”

AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk Ciara Reynolds is still perplexed by the tracking status for her package was updated from “delivered” to “stolen” in a matter of minutes earlier, confused sources confirmed.

“What the fuck?” Reynolds said of the email notification. “Seriously? ‘Stolen?’ How is that even an option?”

Reynolds, who had been waiting to receive an LP by New Brunswick hardcore band Absolute Refusal, only saw the update after enabling her notifications — which only left her with more questions.

“First of all, who just steals a package without knowing what was in it?” she asked rhetorically. “If it were some big box, then, sure — I get it. Who hasn’t been there? But what kind of person takes a record mailer? At least they didn’t do this during the whole ‘emo revival’ thing; that would’ve been embarrassing.”

“Plus, don’t the mail people need to scan stuff with that little machine before they pick stuff up and drop it off?” she added. “Did this person seriously scan the package before they took it off the porch? Did they steal that thing, too?”

George Barnes, a postal worker in Reynolds’ neighborhood, was reportedly just as shocked to learn of the update.

“Absolute Refusal, huh? Never heard of them. I certainly haven’t heard their debut LP Nothing New, which blends My War-era Black Flag with Minor Threat-style breakdowns,” he explained. “I can only assume their oxblood splatter vinyl pressing has completely sold out. Or something. So weird about that package, though.”

However, despite her initial disappointment, Reynolds remains optimistic.

“I guess that, on some level, I appreciate the honesty,” she said. “At least now I don’t have to dig through the garbage cans, or be weirdly passive-aggressive toward Jeremy in apartment 2C.”

“Plus, earlier this morning, I saw someone just listed the same album on Discogs for cheaper than I got it from the label,” she said. “They even live here in town, so I bet the shipping charge will be, like, nothing. I guess things do end up working out sometimes.”