The likelihood is you didn’t manage to get one of those Willy Wonka style, rare as hens teeth tickets that’d mean you’d be heading to Worthy Farm this week for the festival of the Summer, Glastonbury 2017, as they sold out in 20 minutes earlier in the year.

But fear not, thanks to the BBC spunking a huge chunk of the license fee on sending half their staff to work the weekend (or rather have a jolly), we can watch most of the acts via the red button from the comfort of our sofas without the need to wallow in the mud.

But who to watch? Which acts are worth our precious time? No fear The MALESTROM has sifted through the must sees and the best avoided so you don’t have to. So crack open a warm cider, put on a stupid jesters hat and dance the night away with our best and worst of Glastonbury 2017 guide.

Friday

Watch:

Royal Blood (17.45, Pyramid Stage) – These Brighton boys always go heavy and that’s exactly what you can expect when they step foot on the Pyramid Stage. ‘Lights Out’ has been on The MALESTROM HQ’s playlist since it dropped and this pair will be a definite must see.

Sleaford Mods (21.00, Park Stage) – Iggy Pop’s current favourite band after his collaboration with them, this Nottingham duo craft stark political takes on the state of the nation, delivered in a distinctive East Midlands accent. Check out their take on the Philip Green BHS mess below.

Future Islands (19.30, John Peel Stage) – For those that haven’t seen Future Islands you’re in for a treat. You won’t be able to take your eyes of front man Samuel T. Herring who exudes charisma. They’re definitely a live band as you’ll agree once you’ve seen their set which is as much about performance art as it is music.

Radiohead (22.15, Pyramid Stage) – The group ever synonymous with Glasto get the top spot again. It’s 20 years since their debut 1997 headline set and it’s the same length of time since Ok Computer was released so it’ll be No Surprises if the Karma Police turn up at some point.

Avoid:

Status Quo (21.30, Acoustic Stage) – We ain’t got no problem with the Quo, it’s just after the passing of Rick Parfitt two years ago we’re not sure if we want to see Francis Rossi performing Whatever You Want without his poodle haired compadre. It just seems wrong, like Burt without Ernie, or Robson without Jerome, actually … anyway, maybe we’re being a bit harsh here, but we’d rather remember them how they were.

Saturday:

Watch:

Jezza! Yes the rock star that is Jeremy Corbyn will make his festival debut with an appearance on the Pyramid stage at around 16.15. But those hoping for a rock and roll rendition of The Red Flag may be disappointed, he’s just introducing rap duo Run The Jewels.

Thundercat (16.30, West Holts Stage) – No not He-Man’s feline mate, this guy is a bassist and producer who’s moved from the shadows into the foreground, and we’re glad he did. If he brings out collaborator and 80s Footloose legend Kenny Loggins to play their song Show Me The Way, we lose our shit.

Toots and the Maytals (17.30 West Holts stage) – This Legendary Jamaican group are bringing that original reggae vibe to this years Glastonbury. Monkey Man is sure to bring the house down.

Double Grime: Wiley (19.15, Other Stage), Stormzy (2030, Other Stage) – Grime features pretty heavily at Glastonbury with Kano (Sunday) and Dizzee Rascal (Friday) popping up in the mix. Stormzy is sure to draw a big crowd after becoming the first artist to score a number one album with his brand of pure grime last month.

Father John Misty (21.00, John Peel Stage) – Look we’re not sure about Father Johns’s new single which theme is having VR sex with Taylor Swift, ‘Bedding Taylor Swift every night inside the Oculus Rift,’ but this is the man who brought us the amazing Chateau Lobby so we’ll let the former Fleet Foxes drummer off.

The Jacksons (22.15 West Holts Stage) – Did we hear that right The Jackson’s are playing Glasto! It is indeed the debut for the first family of pop. They’ll be hits, hats and hopefully no problems with those ageing hips.

Alt-J (2230 Other Stage) – We love the Jacksons an all, but we’ll also be checking out the Alt-J lads. We still can’t get the song In Cold Blood out of our heads. They’ll definitely be bringing their A-game to the Other Stage.

Avoid:

Kaiser Chiefs (16.15, Other Stage) – You know what to expect from the preening frontman Ricky Wilson and the other Chiefs, you’ll be waiting for fourty minutes before you get the only two songs you want to hear, Ruby & I Predict a Riot and you’ve got them on your ipod anyway.

Sunday:

Watch:

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard (14.30, John Peel Stage) – If you haven’t been introduced to the considerable and unique talents of King Gizzard, hold onto your hats. They’re totally trippy and all kinds of awesome. Check them out below …

Barry Gibb (Sunday 16.00, Pyramid Stage) – Having taken to the stage with Coldplay last year the last living Bee Gee and total disco god gets the coveted Sunday afternoon legend slot. Expect a daytime dose of Night Fever to break out across Glastonbury as Baz gets you Jive Talking (and dancing) with hit after hit.

Shaggy (17.15, West Holts Stage) – The nostalgia trip continues on Sunday and if you’ve ever dreamed of a field full of thousands of people shouting, ‘It wasn’t me,’ dream no more as Shaggy is here. Where has he been? No one knows but when he hits that West Holts stage expect some Boombastic behaviour.

Justice (22.00, West Holts Stage) – French electronic duo dripping with cool, and hopefully not stale beer as long as they treat the crowd to their usual synthy sonic goodness. A perfect way to play out the festival. Unless your an Ed Sheeran fan, then you’d better watch him!

Avoid:

Katy Perry (1800, Pyramid Stage) – Look we’re not totally against pop music at festivals (Shaggy) if it’s the right time and place, I mean we get Beyonce, she’s an icon but Katy, not so much. She might have kissed a girl and liked it but we won’t be liking her taking to the hallowed Pyramid on Sunday.

Emile Sande (20.35, Other Stage) – This could be a good one to catch if you need a nap after all the over indulgence over the weekend, otherwise best give Emile a swerve.

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