Crap, you have stolen your roommate’s burrito. It happens to the best of us. Don’t have a roommate? I assume you’ve stolen something at least once from the communal fridge at work/accidentally picked up someone else’s sandwich order (I’ll have it be known, that under the right circumstances and/or with the right amount of liquor, “Pete” can totally sound like “Natalia”). Oh, you’re some kind of saint and you don’t steal food? Whatever, people like you are not real.

Anyway, now that the burrito has been stolen, you basically have two options:

Admit to the crime and pay some ridiculous penance in the amount of at least two cans of La Croix, or do something equally humiliating. FIGHT THE CHARGES RUSSIAN-PROPAGANDA STYLE.

The latter is actually very easy — almost as easy as running the world’s biggest nation while appealing to feelings of revanchism amongst the poor while making the rich ever richer — and here’s how you must go about it:

Deny stealing the burrito

Don’t just say, “I didn’t steal this burrito,” though, that sounds defensive and lame as hell. Say, “Can you prove I’ve stolen this burrito,” while looking as inscrutable as Viggo Mortensen from Eastern Promises.

Accuse your roommate of stealing his own burrito

Provocations happen all the time in life, and what could be more of a brilliant provocation than stealing from oneself in order to point the finger at someone else? “Natalia, that makes no goddamn sense,” you’re probably saying right now. Well, whatever, idiot. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to say that your roommate ATE his own burrito?” No, that doesn’t sound nearly as complex and mysterious.

Admit the burrito theft occurred and demand an independent investigation

It’s OK to point out that the burrito is, in fact, missing. But who’s going to track it down? Your roommate? He’s far too biased.

Switch gears. Point out that your floss is missing from the bathroom cabinet. Pause dramatically. Let the implications set in

Things go missing all of the time. Many things, not just burritos. In fact, by focusing only on burritos, your roommate is engaging in exclusionary tactics, promoting burrito exceptionalism and a burrito-polar world. Your floss is also probably missing. Or maybe you just ran out of floss. You can’t remember. Better demand an independent investigation into the case of the missing floss while you are at it.

Accuse your accuser of prejudice

Your roommate doesn’t care about your floss? That’s blatant floss-phobia.

Point out random historical grievances in support of your argument

Your roommate is not so innocent! He’s certainly screwed up in the past!

Recall, in great detail:

The Great Exploding Coors Can Tragedy of 2015

That Time His Cousin Stayed Over (You’re Not Sure What Happened, But It Was Probably Unpleasant)

The Fact That He Doesn’t Listen To Any Music Recorded After 2006

The Fact That Living With A Roommate Generally Sucks, So Screw This Economy That We Are ALL Propping Up By Ordering Burritos All The Time

Blame Hillary Clinton

It has worked for many other people in the past.

Blame The Gay Ukrainian Nazi-Jew Lobby

It may or may not be real, but it does sound pretty freaky.

Draw a diagram of the kitchen. Photoshop a stereotypical burrito thief into it

Visual aids are important. As far as the picture of the thief goes, the hobo who hangs out in that littered space between the subway entrance and the deli certainly has angles that look suspicious enough.

Accuse your roommate of being hysterical and unreasonable

Only a hysterical and unreasonable person would be going on about a goddamn burrito so much, when so many other tragedies are taking place in the world simultaneously.

Muse poetically on the nature of truth

Is there such a thing as truth? What if what’s truth to one person is something else to another person? What if we bring parallel universes into it? A burrito thief in this universe could very well be the savior of small pugs from a giant house fire in a different universe. What about the butterfly effect? What if the theft of a burrito has just prevented an outbreak of armed conflict in the South China Sea?

The world is a mysterious place. The burrito may never be found? Well, the crew of the MV Joyita was never found either, so.

Photo: Ross Bruniges/Creative Commons

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