To be perfectly clear, I'm going to be talking about full-blown, minutes-long to-completion hand jobs here. This isn't a little bit of penis-touching before moving on to other activities. If there's one thing I can say about hand jobs, it's that I don't know anyone who likes giving them, and apparently no one likes receiving them either.

Here, 18 guys weigh in on exactly what it feels like.

1. "It's like eating a fast-food hamburger. You can grill one at home and it tastes amazing. Or you can get in your car, drive 15 minutes, wait in a drive-through line, and get a way worse hamburger. Like, it tastes awful and you know you could've done a better job yourself." —Jeff, 24

2. "Like a vagina, but worse." —Eric, 25

3. "There's no novelty to it. I can reach my own penis with my hand no problem, but I can't suck my own dick ... so I think blow jobs would always be more desirable. Maybe that would be different if men had stubby arms." —Shaun, 25

4. "LOL." —Josh, 25

5. "You know that saying 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all'? Hand jobs are the sex equivalent of that." —Zack, 24

6. "It feels like you're touching yourself but your hand fell asleep and so you're fumbling with your penis awkwardly." —Kyle, 23

7. "Once in college, I got one that actively hurt. And my penis was all red and swollen the next day, and I went to Student Care, and they told me it was friction burn. So it feels like friction burn on your dick." —Ken, 29

8. "A hand job feels like jerking off but it's better because it's not your hand." —Jose, 30

9. "I would never expect a girl to excel at it, because that's weird and would probably make me wonder why and how they're so good at it, but they're usually painfully bad." —Pete, 25

10. "I don't think this is easy to answer unless we establish if there's some kind of lubrication or not. A lubeless hand job? It's almost guaranteed to be awful. Either the grip is too hard, or too loose, or the rhythm is off, or some kind of combination thereof. The stars have to align perfectly for a lubeless hand job to work. A lubed-up hand job can basically feel like a blow job, so ... much, much better." —Kevin, 28

11. "I dunno. It's just ... I have hands. I can do that." —Jared, 26

12. "I don't remember the first time I ever masturbated, but I imagine every hand job is pretty much on par with that experience. Except I don't freak out when I come." —Ryan, 25

13. "I was never a fan of the 'old-fashioned' until recently. It's usually slow and awkward and doesn't feel all that wonderful. But it feels like ecstasy when done correctly. A complete detachment from my thoughts and concentrating on the physical senses that overcome my body and mind." —Matt, 28

14. "Hand jobs? I don't know. I'm not 14." —Keith, 25

15. "It's like having surf and turf on the menu and then you order the chicken fingers." —Vince, 28

16. "I have to be real here ... I was a late bloomer, so I think I skipped the whole period where everyone was getting hand jobs. By the time I had any luck with the ladies, you were probably just having sex. But I got a hand job once and ... I never had any interest in getting another. It wasn't bad, it was just OK. I think that says it all. —Colin, 24

17. "OK, I know people probably shit all over hand jobs, but if someone knows how to do it, they can be really good. You have to use lotion, though, and unlike a blow job, she can suck on your nipples at the same time. Every guy should try that once. " —Evan, 28

18. "Hand jobs are a consolation prize. I have never had a hand job that didn't feel like, 'Oh, I'm not in the mood for intercourse, but here, take this. Thanks for playing.' I don't think hand jobs are bad, I just think it's tough to enjoy them when you know things could've gone a whole lot better." —Jeff, 26

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Cosmo Frank I am a human male that enjoys consuming meals consisting of all five food groups and fulfilling every level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

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