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The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall.

BURLINGTON – New evidence has come to light in the ongoing saga of the Burlington school children who were kicked off of a city bus last week. Despite claims of racism being the driving factor in the incident, video footage of the incident clearly shows the bus driver abandoning children of all races on the side of the road. The driver in question, whose name has not been released to the press, has denied any racist motivations, saying that he hates all children.

“I deeply apologize to anyone who felt that my actions targeted a certain group of students,” the driver said in a statement released by GMT this week. “I would never act negatively towards any child based on their race. I hate all children equally, and I hope the video will prove that I attempted to strand as many children as I could in the middle of nowhere, regardless of their race, religion, gender, or any other external factors.

“And honestly, it’s the parents I hate more than the kids, I just didn’t have any of their parents on board to kick off. Do you remember when kids used to be at least somewhat respectful? Now I’ve got kids screaming slurs out the windows, pounding on the bus, throwing s*** at me, and what can I do about it? I can’t touch them, obviously, even to restrain them when they kick me on their way off the bus, and if I say anything to them at all, they threaten to make up s*** about me to their parents, like that I’m racist, or sexist, or some s***. Which they clearly did. These kids somehow feel both worthless and entitled, they’re acting out, and the parents have been enabling this for years.

“You can’t get a fair trial in this world anymore. The internet judges you before it has any of the actual facts, and everybody’s opinion counts as truth, even if they’re a bunch of middle school punks who are just pissed that I won’t let them abuse me or my bus. Man, if I had known in middle school that I could manipulate the adults around me as much as kids do these days, I mean, we all would have been out of control! And now they are, and what can I do except try to contain my rage as they make fun of me and poke me? So believe me when I say that my hatred knows no bounds of color, creed, or race. Again, I sincerely apologize if anyone thought otherwise. You all suck. Hard.”

The Burlington School District had no comment on the statement, but is planning to hold a student-led assembly in which the middle-schoolers will have the chance to draw up a behavioral contract devoid of consequences that they will then have the option to sign if they personally feel so compelled.