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Reed College invites applications for Director of the Elliott Smith Center for Emotional Manipulation. Successful applicant will be a husky Portlander who pays for birthday gifts with gift-recipient’s credit card. Preferred secondary specializations include mansplaining, daddy issues, and applying the phrase “don’t believe in” to things that clearly exist. Applicant with an ability to completely isolate his partner from her friends will be especially attractive. Please submit half a dozen jars of urine that have been aging on the Bowflex in your basement studio apartment via Interfolio.

The Comparative Studies Program in the Department of English at the University of Chicago invites applications for the position of Assistant Professor of Digital Media Studies with an emphasis in Hardcore Pornography. The successful applicant will be expected to believe he is the only person who understands David Foster Wallace and have particular interest in the intersectionality of nag champa, Chacos, and home-brewed kombucha. Freegans, attention whores, and indulgent corgi owners are especially encouraged to apply.

The University of Southern California’s School of Sports Medicine invites applications for the Dwayne Johnson Postdoctoral Fellowship. Competitive candidates will wear Under Armour shirts as regular shirts, have a demonstrated commitment to barefoot running, and not know their own credit scores. Successful applicant will be expected not to watch any women’s sports, excepting, under certain circumstances, beach volleyball, and to have seen “The Passion of the Christ” on opening weekend. Additional responsibilities will include tapping for mana, icing one’s bros, lurking on 4chan, and mentoring undergraduates.

The renowned Department of Psychology at Dartmouth College is soliciting applications for a tenure-track Associate Professor of Hypochondria. We seek a candidate with an affinity for Peter Pan shoes, extensive experience diagnosing resting bitch face, and a willingness to see other people. Teaching responsibilities include courses in Recreational Ambien Use and upper-division seminars in Neediness and/or Polyamory. Successful applicant will be expected to establish a research agenda of panic attacks, puppy-dog eyes, germaphobia, and a chronic mistrust of happiness.

Macalester College’s Department of Art and Art History will receive applications for the position of Assistant Professor of Studio Art with expertise in Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim. Preference will be shown to candidates whose mothers still pay their car insurance. A willingness to serve the program, department, college, and university communities via housework, cooking, or cunnilingus is not required. For full consideration, submit cover letter, CV, and three letters of eviction.

Oberlin College seeks a raver/heroin addict to serve as the Visiting Assistant Professor in the Department of Music’s Jam Band B.F.A. This nine-month position will be offered to a candidate whose talents advance the department’s commitment to Taco Tuesday, vandalism, and house arrest. Applicants should have extensive experience with self-sabotage and farting into throw pillows. Stoners, pedants, kleptomaniacs, connectroverts, and not-even-high-functioning alcoholics are encouraged to apply.

The University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop, which since its founding in 1936 has fostered thousands of remarkable writers, among them winners of virtually every major literary award, invites applications for an Assistant Professor of Caucasian Slam Poetry. The ideal colleague is a lumbersexual cheapskate who knows a guy. Candidate must have insisted at least once that heterosexual intercourse is imperialist in nature. The Workshop especially welcomes applications from candidates with garlic pits, subscriptions to Maxim, and/or prep-school pedigrees. Send to the address below a PDF that includes the following: teaching portfolio, semi-dormant OKCupid profile, all-male Spotify playlist, and hundreds of e-mails using “its” and “it’s” interchangeably. (S.T.D. required, H.P.V. preferred.)

Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs seeks a tenure-track budtender of high distinction with corollary interest in my sister. Candidate will have earned national recognition in the form of Islamophobic contributions to the Serial subreddit and a retweet from Skrillex. The successful applicant is a reformed juggalo, wears a Kangol cap, and once offered to go Dutch on an abortion. To insure timely and full consideration all applicants must text me back.