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Think free drinks are only for scantily-clad woo girls or the regular who’s been perched on the same stool sipping well whiskey since ’88?

WRONG.

If you frequent the bar scene (dirty dive or ulta loungey) and you’ve never been included on a bartender’s buy-back tab, it’s probably because YOU ARE OFFENSIVE.

Don’t worry it’s not your fault … you’ve just never worked in the restaurant business, have you?

I braved the business for years, from slingin’ fish-n-chips at a beach-side pub in SoCal, to hosting bottle service in the posh VIP rooms of Hollywood … to pairing a 300+ wine list with entrees that change daily on the upper east side of Manhattan, to sweeping floors and washing dishes in a greasy diner, to mixing 28 dollar martinis infused with fresh leechees in the West Village — I’ve done it all.

Over the weekend I saw every unwritten rule in the unwritten book of How Not to be a Total Tool in a Bar broken. I spent hours biting my tongue and chewing on the sides of my mouth … the behavior of some people is mind-boggling and I wanted to stand up and shout, “You shameless, inconsiderate tool!” Are they all bad-natured a-holes or are they simply ignorant because they’ve never held a customer service position in their life? I’m not sure.

What I do know is how it feels to be the one catering to a herd of beligerent jerks, and it’s a very tough job. However, it’s not so tough to fall in the “good customer” category and many servers will reward you for it. Your next round at the bar could be on the house!

In a nutshell here’s how to avoid being your bartender’s worst enemy:

COINAGE

NEVER leave change on a bar. I don’t care if it’s a $20 tip, if it’s coinage, it is not welcome

I would rather you not tip me, than leave me a few nickels and dimes on top of a one dollar bill. It has less to do with the insult factor than it does about the pure inconvenience of having change in the register. At the end of the night, a bartender has to “cash out.” Cashing out is a short title for the long process of counting money, totaling sales, tipping out, translating revenue and taking inventory. It’s tideous and has to be done in the wee hours of the morning after the bar closes … after you’ve been hustling on your feet for 10 or so hours. The last thing we want to do is count all your loose change that you didn’t want jingling around in your pocket. Just don’t do it.

LOCK IT UP

The bartender is busy, do not speak until spoken to. Sounds ludicrous, so let me paint a picture for you …

Saturday night my boyfriend and I are throwing back some scotch at a watering hole just outside of the Marina district in San Francisco. It’s a casual spot with a long oak bar and old fixtures, it’s cozy and unpretentious. Some guy in a suit walks up to the bar and starts waving his hand around like a second grader begging for his teacher to call on him. The bartender who is pouring a draft beer does not look up. Suit guy moves, shoving his way between two small clusters of drinkers, so that he is centered at the bartender’s 12 o’clock. I’m captivated. It’s like stand-off between two wild animals on the Discovery channel … which creature will strike first?

I notice 3 paper tickets laid out at the wait station, 2 tickets waiting to be torn from the printer, 2 martini glasses filled with ice and water to the left of me, a pint of Guiness half full to my right, 3 guys are chatting drinkless a the end of the bar, the couple sitting next to us are running low on their wine, and the loud boys seated near the corner just slammed their car bombs. Suit guy notices none of this. He has the mentality of, I’m the customer, I’m always right, I want to be served. I watch him sigh and flare his nostrils when the bartender turns away from him to mix a pair of cosmos that will no doubt be poured into the still chilling martini glasses.

Btw … an ice cold martini glass makes a completely different tasting martini. Every good bartender — or mixologist as some prefer to be called — knows to fill the cone-shaped sipper with water and ice as soon as the martini is ordered.

I begin narrating in a really bad scotch-induced accent to my boyfriend, “Thee suit man is peesed, he salivights at the soight of hees prey … ” boyfriend lols, I catch the spray of his scotch in the eye, ouch; it stings like a b—-! When I get my eyesight back I watch the bartender, he remembers every drink, knows who was there first, and attends to the waiters who are patiently standing by to collect cocktails for the seated patrons.

Due to bartender’s fair and orderly service, suit guy is forced to wait his turn. When the bartender smiles he doesn’t reciprocate, he walks away with two mixed drinks and doesn’t leave a tip.

By the way, who wears a suit on a Saturday anyway? What a tool.

TIPPING

Always tip 20% for good service, 15% for poor service. Even if the jerk made you feel like an inconvenience, never stiff.

20% gratuity on every bill is non-negotiable in my book because it affects the entire establishment. The money you leave does not go directly into the pocket of your server. Everyone is required to “tip out.” Your server has to give a certain percentage of the tip to the kitchen, food runners, bartenders, bar-backs, bussers, bathroom attendants, and more. If you were brought an ice tea instead of an Arnold Palmer, please don’t get revenge with a lower tip! TELL YOUR SERVER WHEN IT’S NOT RIGHT. Give them a chance to fix it. If your server is rude or forgets about you, leave 15%. Don’t pull a d-bag move like suit guy and hurt the other people in the restaurant who were a part of your experience and did their jobs correctly.

FRUIT

If you don’t like the garnish that comes with your drink, order it with “no fruit.” Tossing lime wedges on the bar is a major no-no.

If you feel that the sour flavor contaminates your gin and tonic and you’ve gotten so used to just taking the lime out of your glass and tossing it down on the nearest surface — PLEASE BREAK THAT HABIT TODAY. Please? It’s so rude.

This is probably one of the most popular miscommunications between customer and bartender.

You might even think you’re being cool by not making a “special” order, but it’s not cool. How do you think those cute little wedges get into their divided trays and into your glass? Bartenders spend HOURS dicing them up by hand. Imagine if YOU spent hours carefully slicing … and you were then forced to watch random people throw your perfectly sectioned lemons, limes, and oranges wedges onto a soiled bar or a littered tabletop? It’s SO painful watch and it’s guaranteed to happen every night. If you prefer your drink without the garnish, like I do, order your next drink with “no fruit” and your bartender will GREATLY appreciate it.

THE NAPKIN

Your cocktail napkin is not a doily, it is not meant to look precious. The napkin serves the very important purpose of keeping the moisture in your glass and away from your palm. (Good luck to you when the hot girl walks up and introduces herself and you’ve got wet, slimy hands!)

I find it so odd when I people pick up the drink and leave the square paper it was served on behind. There’s also the pick up the drink with one hand and the napkin with the other hand ritual … then when no one in your group is looking, you dump the crumbled tiny ball that used to be a napkin onto the bar. WE SEE YOU DOING THIS!

OINK OINK

Don’t be a pig.

If it were up to me all you pigs would stay locked up in your pens. Unfortunately the oinkers do venture out and the innocent bartender just trying to make rent just has to deal. There are two kinds of pigs: Dirt Bag Pig and Pervy Pig.

Dirt Bag Pig breaks all of the rules above ie, leaves 3 quarters on a 34 dollar tab, yells at the bartender for another round and leaves a pile of chewed up straws, crumpled napkins, and sticky limes on the bar when they leave.

The Pervy Pig tips very well, he’s neat-n-tidy, and he never interupts. Pervy Pig will, however, straighten up on his stool so he can get a better look at your a– everytime you reach into the cooler to grab another bottle of beer. Then, while tap-tapping his wedding ring against his glass, you pretend not to notice him undressing you with his eyes. Please stop hitting on the bartender and telling yourself you’re not doing anything wrong. Go home to your wife. To Pervy Pig who is single: just go home.

FREE COCKTAILS

At the end of the night when boyfriend and I asked for the check we were as grateful as we were surprised to see a buy-back line on our tab. We only had 3 cocktails a piece, no food, so we only had to pay for 2 drinks. We thanked the hard-working bartender with a hefty tip.

The bottom line is, while YOU might be on your fun time, the person who is serving you is at work. Have a little respect. Consider all of the service workers in the establishment who are trying to survive and support their families. Don’t leave your trash laying around, it’s rude.

Bad bar behavior is always noticed, but never acknowledged, and it will be taken into consideration when it’s time to comp an appetizer and pass out shots. Keep these things in mind next time you’re out-n-about and you could be rewarded just for not being a tool.

www.rileysride.com