Up until a hunting experience with my uncle the other week, I couldn’t stand animal rights activists. With the exception of the disgusting way that palm oil is extracted from the hands of apes, I had no quarrel with the killing of animals, constantly stressing that it is the natural order of things. However, after returning to my uncle’s cottage and witnessing what I can only describe as an apocalyptic bloodstorm initiated by none other than his own pet, my eyes have been bolstered opened.

Cats are one of the major threats to animal rights in the UK. Annually, domestic cats kill roughly 2.4 million mice, 580,000 birds and a huge number of other innocents that aren’t even recorded, including rats and I guess insects or something. And we let it happen, right beneath our noses. Whilst we’re all debating Trident and the NHS, the bloody Tories are slipping yet another slithering snake of a year between our legs that doesn’t contain any sort of hunting ban imposed upon these ruthless killers. Here’s some disgusting facts which make me personally just want to cull the furry cunts and be done with it:

Pick on someone your own size! Very rarely will these so called “cats” prey upon mice or birds that are anywhere near a match for their own physical size and strength. A little beady-eyed rodent will happily go about its day blissfully unaware of the clawed feline fifty times its own bodyweight waiting to pounce from the bushes.

Very rarely will these so called “cats” prey upon mice or birds that are anywhere near a match for their own physical size and strength. A little beady-eyed rodent will happily go about its day blissfully unaware of the clawed feline fifty times its own bodyweight waiting to pounce from the bushes. It’s all a game to you, isn’t it? Cats won’t grant their prey a quick and easy death, like my uncle did to the fox he shot in the head the other day (you should have seen its face!). It’s very common for them to toy with their victims, keeping it alive in absolute agony as a play-thing to be batted from paw to paw or picked up and put down again with drooling sharp-toothed jaws. It’s not unusual for them to allow the creature to escape momentarily before digging their claws into it again, occasionally leaning forward to bite down on it’s skull for extra grip, which quite often cracks under the pressure. Imagine thinking you’d escaped only to have knives as big as your arms sink back into you, feeling excruciating pain unlike any you’d ever felt ere, in your last living seconds, your head snaps and merciful death finally greets you with it’s bone-cold handshake.

Cats won’t grant their prey a quick and easy death, like my uncle did to the fox he shot in the head the other day (you should have seen its face!). It’s very common for them to toy with their victims, keeping it alive in absolute agony as a play-thing to be batted from paw to paw or picked up and put down again with drooling sharp-toothed jaws. It’s not unusual for them to allow the creature to escape momentarily before digging their claws into it again, occasionally leaning forward to bite down on it’s skull for extra grip, which quite often cracks under the pressure. Imagine thinking you’d escaped only to have knives as big as your arms sink back into you, feeling excruciating pain unlike any you’d ever felt ere, in your last living seconds, your head snaps and merciful death finally greets you with it’s bone-cold handshake. Finish your tea young man! Only 1 in 10 rodents caught by domestic cats are ever bloody eaten! The things just drop their trophy proudly before you (yeah well done you cunt you killed something tiny that could never have harmed you in the first place) and look up at you with those saucer eyes, expecting a reward. And at the same time there are stray cats starving in Africa.

Now you may retort with a number of counter-arguments, all of which- as you’re about to find out- would make you wrong and a prick.

They’re programmed by nature to do it!

Err, Rolf Harris was programmed by nature to have sexual temptations, and to be honest I very much doubt he signed a form which willingly and with his consent made him a paedo. Well, why not just let him run riot with our kids, then? Just sodomising and donkey-punching as he pleases! Cunt.

We can’t spend our life caring about rodents like mice and rats.

Oh, sorry, what was it called again? ANIMAL welfare? Or is it just SOME animals welfare? Yeah, let’s stick with the ones cute enough to keep as pets. But as soon as we like the taste of something, or don’t want it in our house, it’s alright to actually literally extinguish it’s life. And that’s another thing- why do all those hippie animal rights stands sell dog-flea powder? Or is making small insects suffer for the sake of getting rid of a slight itch ethically sound? Cunts.

There are more important things to worry about right now.

Oh yeah, I’m guessing you wake up in your mud hut and eat incredibly basic food and don’t use the internet or talk with friends or watch films or play games or laugh or cry or speak to your family, right? Cus there’s more important things to worry about right now. Well, fuck that.

Friends, no longer can we allow cats to massage their egos with the death of an innocent creature. No longer shall the blood of a chewed-up bird act as lubricant for the rusted cogs of a feline’s daily life, who are clearly so bored with their own futile existence that they feel it justifiable to slaughter others for entertainment. I mean seriously, they do shit all with their day. Just sit around being a cunt. Fucking fuck them all. Maybe if cats had jobs (now there’s a funny thought a pet going off to work on the tram in a suit and tie haha I’ve made myself laugh now) there wouldn’t be any need for all this. But they don’t, so there is. Also, if you like rabbits at all (which everyone does, they’re fuckin’ cute) then let’s kill two birds with one stone and do away with the foxes as well. (Not actually kill any birds with stones birds are sound)

So please, have a heart. Stand up for animal welfare. Stand up for the ones on the bottom of the pile, the unfortunates, the underdogs (figure of speech, dogs are cunts too). Stand up for the innocent creatures who are subject to maulings and disembowelment on a daily basis. Vote to ban hunting.