THE King’s Cross area of London has been transformed into a ghastly business centre where drugs and dirty sex can no longer be purchased openly.

After a £2bn revamp, the formerly excellent quarter of the capital is now full of hi-tech office buildings and dreadful human beings who will try to sell you ‘marketing services’ instead of heroin and cock-fun.

Even the railway station now looks clean and well-ordered, denying passengers the emotional thrill of staring into the skunk-addled face of the person they could so easily have been if they were not already dead inside.

Mayor Boris Johnson last night insisted this was a good thing.

He said: “When I got this job I said I wanted to be the mayor of all of London and the easiest way for me to do that is to make all of London exactly the same.

“God knows I love dirty sex – and one day I may even try smack – but that’s not going to get the business done is it?

“We must do the business, always.”

Roy Hobbs, a guy who lives in his shoes and can get you basically anything, said: “That little side street over there used to be known as Backshaft Alley. It was every bit as exciting as it sounds.

“It now contains a juice bar. Owned by a venture capital firm.

“So anyway, you were saying you wanted to have rough sex with a completely hairless Welshman?”