In Keanu Reeves’s new movie, John Wick, he plays a stone-faced contract killer — perfect casting for an actor famous for his otherworldly impassiveness. Ha-ha, you might say, Keanu Reeves is playing another role where he doesn’t have to emote. But those who joke about Keanu and his immobile face haven’t been paying attention.



*This post originally ran on Vulture on December 11, 2008.

Emotion: Baseline Keanu-ness

Year depicted: 2003

Habitat: The Matrix Revolutions

Field notes: The purest, most basic facial expression of Keanu, aided by wraparound sunglasses.

Kean-u-meter: 0

Emotion: Unconsciousness

Year depicted: 2003

Habitat: The Matrix Reloaded

Field notes: Keanu is in the Matrix.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Alienation

Year depicted: 2008

Habitat: The Day the Earth Stood Still

Field notes: Keanu is a literal alien.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Concern

Year depicted: 1991

Habitat: My Own Private Idaho

Field notes: “When will my friend awaken?” wonders Keanu.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Serenity

Year depicted: 1993

Habitat: Little Buddha

Field notes: Keanu is Siddhartha.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Annoyance

Year depicted: 1986

Habitat: River’s Edge

Field notes: Keanu’s impassive face excels at covering up lies, as when he plays a character who isn’t telling his mother about a dead body.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Confusion

Year depicted: 2001

Habitat: Sweet November

Field notes: A classic Keanu expression, and one that can be found in nearly every Keanu habitat.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Thoughtfulness

Year depicted: 1995

Habitat: Johnny Mnemonic

Field notes: The futuristic headgear gives this facial expression a certain poignancy it might otherwise lack.

Kean-u-meter: 1

Emotion: Mild consternation

Year depicted: 1996

Habitat: Chain Reaction

Field notes: Keanu is watching a physics experiment go awry. (We’re pretty sure his eyes are really wide behind the goggles.)

Kean-u-meter: 2

Emotion: Sympathy

Year depicted: 2005

Habitat: Thumbsucker

Field notes: Keanu is reaching out to a troubled teenage boy.

Kean-u-meter: 2

Emotion: Pensiveness

Year depicted: 2001

Habitat: Hardball

Field notes: Notice the slight tilt of the head, which distinguishes this from Thoughtfulness.

Kean-u-meter: 2

Emotion: Contemplation

Year Depicted: 2009

Habitat: The Private Lives of Pippa Lee

Field Notes: Keanu is lost in thought.

Kean-u-meter: 2

Emotion: Worry

Year Depicted: 2011

Habitat: Henry’s Crime

Field Notes: Keanu’s wife Debbie has just asked him if he wants children.

Kean-u-meter: 2

Emotion: Animated

Year depicted: 2006

Habitat: A Scanner Darkly

Field notes: The slight droop of Keanu’s left eye is more apparent in this habitat than in any other.

Kean-u-meter: 2

Emotion: Exhilaration

Year depicted: 1991

Habitat: Point Break

Field notes: A rare sighting of the flighted Keanu.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Overwhelming joy

Year depicted: 2006

Habitat: The Lake House

Field notes: Keanu has just narrowly escaped death to find the woman he loves after two years of searching.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Scheming

Year depicted: 1993

Habitat: Much Ado About Nothing

Field notes: Simply adding facial hair to Keanu can increase his Kean-u-meter by one to two points.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Discomfort

Year Depicted: 2013

Habitat: 47 Ronin

Field Notes: Keanu is being flogged in the ass by four samurai.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Ecstasy

Year Depicted: 2013

Habitat: Generation Um …

Field Notes: Keanu has just eaten a cupcake.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Tortured ecstasy

Year depicted: 1992

Habitat: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Field notes: Keanu is basically receiving a blow job from a topless female vampire.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Flirting

Year depicted: 2003

Habitat: Something’s Gotta Give

Field notes: Keanu has just met his favorite playwright.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Awe

Year depicted: 1999

Habitat: The Matrix

Field notes: Keanu is saying, “Whoa.”

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Love

Year depicted: 1995

Habitat: A Walk in the Clouds

Field notes: Keanu is talking to his beloved wife.

Kean-u-meter: 3

Emotion: Sadness

Year Depicted: 2010

Habitat: Park benches

Field Notes: Just imagine how much sadder he would have been if he’d known this photo was gonna show up on 4chan.

Kean-u-meter: 4

Emotion: Aggression

Year depicted: 2000

Habitat: The Gift

Field notes: Keanu is threatening small children. Once again, facial hair adds to the Kean-u-meter score.

Kean-u-meter: 4

Emotion: Gloating

Year Depicted: 2013

Habitat: Man of Tai Chi

Field Notes: Keanu has just vanquished an enemy.

Kean-u-meter: 4

Emotion: Fear

Year depicted: 1989

Habitat: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Field notes: A group of medieval knights are seconds away from killing Keanu.

Kean-u-meter: 4

Emotion: Gratitude

Year depicted: 2000

Habitat: The Replacements

Field notes: Keanu has just been offered a ride by a hot NFL cheerleader.

Kean-u-meter: 4

Emotion: Mild anger

Year depicted: 2008

Habitat: Street Kings

Field notes: Keanu just learned his boss is behind it all.

Kean-u-meter: 5

Emotion: Lust

Year depicted: 1989

Habitat: Parenthood

Field notes: Clearly, Keanu is overwhelmed by his own sexiness.

Kean-u-meter: 5

Emotion: Determination

Year depicted: 2005

Habitat: Constantine

Field notes: Keanu is about to punch a demon while wearing brass knuckles.

Kean-u-meter: 6

Emotion: Severe anger

Year depicted: 1994

Habitat: Speed

Field notes: The bus burning behind Keanu was driven by his friend.

Kean-u-meter: 6

Emotion: Triumph

Year depicted: 1991

Habitat: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Field notes: Surprisingly, this lively facial expression is exhibited by Keanu while portraying a murderous robot.

Kean-u-meter: 7

Emotion: Infernal rage

Year depicted: 1997

Habitat: The Devil’s Advocate

Field notes: Satan himself, enraged that his protege, Keanu, has shot himself in the head, adopts Keanu’s form and screams at the sky while bearing wings made of fire.

Kean-u-meter: 9. Unlikely to be surpassed anytime soon.

Emotion: Horror, revulsion

Year depicted: 1992

Habitat: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Field notes: Keanu has just watched three vampires devour a baby.

Kean-u-meter: 10. This is the highest rating ever achieved on the Kean-u-meter, and is offered as an example of the acting heights Keanu can reach.