As A Parent, Nothing Compares To The Moment When The Kidnappers Who Took Your Child Ride A Vespa Past Your House And Punt Your Now 200-Pound Son Back Onto Your Lawn

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. It’s full of unforgettable moments, like hearing your child say their first words or seeing them take their first steps, and it’s these moments that remind you what a blessing it is to raise a child. But of all the joys of parenting, nothing compares to the moment when the kidnappers who took your child ride a Vespa past your house and punt your now 200-pound son back onto your lawn.

The happiness you feel when you see that your kid has been booted into your yard and is taking up more space than ever before is unlike anything else in the world. It’s an important milestone for any parent, and words can barely do it justice.

As pretty much any parent will tell you, there is simply no greater feeling than when you hear the unmistakable putt-putt of a Vespa zigzagging up your block, and turn to see its driver holding what can only be your now 200-pound child under his arm before punting your kid toward your lawn without stopping the Vespa. I know it’s cliche to say that watching my newly overweight son get drop-kicked off an electric scooter was the best moment of my life, but the sense of peace I felt as he tumbled toward me with his much larger body bursting out of the very same Peppa Pig shirt he was wearing the day he got abducted is truly indescribable.

Until you experience it for yourself, you don’t even realize what your life was missing.

When I first learned I was pregnant, I thought I understood how it was going to feel when my child’s kidnappers finally yelled, “Here, we’re done with this,” and punted my portly son back onto my lawn after four months of holding him hostage. But it turns out, you can’t know exactly how that moment will make you feel until it actually happens. There’s no trial run for the pure bliss that washes over you while you watch your son salute his kidnapper as he slowly drives his scooter away from your house, or for the deep sense of love you feel when your son immediately asks that you get him a Vespa of his own without even saying hello.

Once I experienced that moment for real, my heart practically tripled in size, much like my son. The world just seems so much more joyful and filled with beauty now that my child is back on my lawn and heavier than ever.

I’d be lying if I said parenting was always easy, but whenever I’m frustrated because my obese son keeps begging me to let him get kidnapped again, I think back to that day on my front lawn when his abductor punted him off his Vespa, and I can’t help but tear up with gratitude. Remembering just how special it was when the kidnapper’s steel-toed boot hit my son’s ass and sent him soaring into my yard, and the joy I felt when I saw that my precious boy had somehow gained over 100 pounds during his disappearance, makes it all worth it for me. And once it happens to you, you’ll understand exactly what I mean.