Bisexuality: Understanding the Difference Between Invisibility and Privilege

Let me begin by stating that I myself am not bisexual, I am an androgynous gay man. As such, the concepts of invisibility and privilege are not lost on me. In recent months I have come across various discussions and articles by bisexuals, arguing that their queerness is no less valid simply because they are currently in a heterosexual relationship. Going so far as to spite gay men and women who question their presence in gay bars when they’re with a partner of the opposite sex. While I agree with the notion that bisexuals are no “less” bisexual when dating those of the opposite sex, there is an enormous sense of entitlement, ignorance and privilege that comes with believing gay men and women should welcome you with open arms into one of our only safe spaces.

Allow me to extrapolate. I have been misgendered ever since I was a child. On my best day, I would be called a girl. On my worst? A faggot or the dreaded “it.” No matter how you spun it I could never assimilate into normalcy, or “invisibility” as you call it. I was ostracized on sight, and degraded shortly afterwards. Even as an adult, I am treated as a spectacle first, human second. When you do not appear as cis/straight, every mundane instance you can possibly think of becomes an ordeal. From introductions to using the bathroom to shopping, my identity is called into question without warning.

There is certainly a discussion to be had around the term invisibility when it’s used to discredit bisexuals in opposite-sex relationships, but in this context, it is simply a scapegoat for those who are so drunk with privilege they refuse to acknowledge it. These spaces are carved out specifically for those of us who are rejected from regular society. We are never invisible, we are different 24/7 365 days a year and subsequently punished for it. You treat being visibly different/gay as some high school field trip you couldn’t attend because you parents forgot to sign the permission slip. Your greatest vice is our one true wish, to be able to navigate society, unbothered and without fear.

Realistically speaking, what do you seek to gain by attending gay bars whilst in heterosexual relationships? I go to gay bars because they’re one of the few places I can exist without being under the constant fear I’m too “distracting” or that someone will yell “ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL?” The world is your oyster in a heterosexual relationship, yet you choose to sulk that society has not ostracized you to the point where you can feel a sense of belonging in a gay bar with society’s rejects.

This invisibility you loathe is not invisibility at all, it’s privilege. The privilege to exist as you are, fulfilled in your romantic endeavours and being free to express yourself in public without fear of retaliation. We are fully aware of your existence, what’s confusing is this burning desire to relate to a struggle you know little to nothing of while simultaneously enjoying the benefits that come with not being homosexual. To be read as cis/straight is a privilege, to be read as anything else is to be othered, humiliated and dehumanized. Consider yourself lucky.