Moustache Analytics

I think that it's important to write up some trash every now and then, so let's take a look at and analyze the best Toronto Blue Jays moustaches in Labatt Blue fashion. I need to make note (to you, the reader) that a number of surveys were conducted in order to create a legitimate list - so although this is a subjective topic, I hired a team of moustache experts and pollsters to analyze and collect as much data as possible, so here we go:

10. The Juan Guzman Stache

Juan Guzman was a great Blue Jays pitcher who pitched with the Blue Birds for eight seasons from 1991 - 1998. He was a dominant arm in an awesome era of early 90's pitchers for the Jays that brought home two 'Golden Flags' trophies.

The Guzman Stache has a properly maintained flow underneath the nose, and shows control and daily maintenance, which also reflected his style of pitching.

It's a short, sculpted, and neat stache that takes a calm and steady hand to evenly cut. It's perfectly trimmed and structured unlike his well-known moving fastball, slider, and changeup. Good job, Juan - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 10.

9. The Buck Martinez Stache

What hasn't Buck Martinez done as a Blue Jay? He's been a player, a manager, and, of course, is the voice of the Jays. We all love his struggles with pronunciation during every broadcast, and how him and Pat Tabler take the piss out of themselves and their baseball careers while they call each and every game.

The Buck Stache is a classic take on the facial hair trend. The Jays Droppings researchers compare it to the 1970 Buick GSX, which is a bad ass muscle car for all those readers who are wondering. It's shaped, it's full, and it's glorious. Good job, Buck - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 9.

8. The Russell Martin Stache

When Russell Martin signed his five-year, $82-million deal with the Toronto Blue Jays, fans were excited to see the Canadian backstop come *home*. He has been a solid catcher for the Blue Birds, and one of the most valuable position players on the team.

Martin sported his classic Russ Stache during his Blue Jays press conference where he revealed his blue colours. Martin is usually seen with his scruffy unkept beard, but last year he reverted back to the stache during his terrible slump to try to switch things up. The Jays Droppings stache team refer to it as the Slump Stache. The Russ Stache is sculpted, shaped, and thin. Good job, Russ - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 8.

7. The Rance Mulliniks Stache

Toronto legend Rance Mulliniks is a Blue Bird boss - like his stache.

He played 11 seasons with the Jays from 1982 to 1992. He had a solid bat and posted some real impressive numbers as a Jay with a career .280 BA and a +.790 OPS. He was also the colour commentator for the Birds from 2005 - 2010.

The Rance Stache is legendary. It has a classic stache appeal like a 1969 Mustang. Some ladies may refer to it as hunky, full, and mature - but I see it as epic. Good job, Rance - the Jays Droppings research team have you at lucky number 7.

6. The Jesse Barfield Stache

Jesse Barfield was a Blue Jay for 9-years from 1981 - 1989. He is arguable one of the best all round Blue Bird outfielders of all time, because he had a cannon arm and could hit for power. He also was one third of possibly the best Jays trio in the outfield, which also included George Bell and Lloyd Moseby. Note: Lloyd Moseby didn't make the top ten with the Lloyd Stache, but he came real close.

The Barfield Stache edged the Rance Stache based primarily on the day-to-day care that went in to keeping its clean sleek look. His stache clearly reflects the 1980's era and closely resembles the red Ferrari that Christie Brinkley drove in the Chevy Chase classic National Lampoon's Vacation. Good job, Jesse - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 6.

5. The Pete Walker Stache

Pete Walker's moustache has become a part of all households across Canada during baseball season. He pitched for the Blue Jays from 2002 - 2006, was the bullpen coach in 2011, and became the pitching coach in 2012. The Pete Stache has changed throughout the times adopting to each era. He is a man that cares deeply for his stache and puts forth great effort in maintaining its look, well still being real to his values.

The Pete Stache has been trimmed a bit more aggressively to start the spring training 2017 campaign. This new look might reflect the stress he could be under from the thought of one of his starting pitchers getting injured. It's shaped, pointy, and razor-cut just like the man. Good job, Pete - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 5.

4. The Jack Morris Stache

Jack Morris signed with the Toronto Blue Jays in 1992 after being named the 1991 World Series MVP for the Twins - after his heroic game 7 outing. He also helped the Twins beat the Jays in the 1991 ALCS by winning both his starts. He holds many interesting records as a pitcher and has spent time calling games as a broadcaster for the Jays too.

The Jack Stache is an interesting stache that reflects his three famous pitches: the fastball, slider, and forkball. The moustache research team feels the Jack Stache is more of a blend of the slider and forkball than the fastball. It's long, bushy, and wild. Good job, Jack - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 4.

3. The Fred McGriff Stache

Fred McGriff was the fan favourite first baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays from 1986 - 1990. He was known as the Crime Dog and was also a main piece in a trade with San Diego where the Jays sent him and Tony Fernandez to the Padres for Joe Carter and Roberto Alomar. It's safe to say that the trade worked out, even though at the time it broke the hearts of many Blue Jays fans - but Pat Gillick knew he had a kid named John Olerud to cover the Crime Dog's position.

The Crime Stache is a beautifully maintained piece of art. It's a high-end luxury piece. It's stylish, manly, and sculpted. Good job, Fred - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 3.

2. The Dave Stieb Stache

Dave Stieb is arguably the greatest Blue Jays starting pitcher of all time - I said arguably. His close moustache brushes with the no-hitter came so often and so close - unlike the razor-blade with this iconic Stieb Stache.

The Stieb Stache is a legendary image that has been painted into the memories of all Jays fans - especially those who were born no later than the early 1980's.

The Jays Droppings research team found a feedback of love for the Stieb Stache. His moustache is thick, bristly, bushy, mature, and natural. Good job, Steve - the Jays Droppings research team have you at number 2.

1. The Jose Bautista Stache

Yes, that's right Jays fans, Jose Bautista is your number 1 Bird Stache. The main factor that decided this outcome, from the data collected, was the element of surprise that came with the Bats Stache because most fans forget he had one.

The Bats Stache has a cool Pablo Escobar look, were Jose an actor, Netflix may have entertained the idea of having him play a cop in the hit series Narcos -because Jose is no heel. It is a sharp and cool stache that is well-groomed, sculpted, and stylish. Good job, Jose - You're number 1.

But sorry Jays fans, the best stache in the history of the MLB is:

THE ROD STACHE.