Facing Coronavirus With Generalized Anxiety Disorder

A personal account of living with a generalized anxiety disorder in times of a pandemic.

Sanitizers are our new bffs — Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

First things first, I don’t have the virus. At least I don’t think I do. Well, I am not sure. Actually, I might have it. I am not feeling great. My head hurts like hell. I am feeling feverish and sluggish.

The thermometer says 36.6 degrees Celcius (approximately 97 degrees Fahrenheit), but that doesn’t mean much. I devoured every serious and semi-serious piece of information about Covid-19’s symptoms. And I update my knowledge on them daily. So I know that one does not have to have a fever to have the virus. Or a cough. Or even feel unwell.

Basically, there is no sure way to self-diagnose that one does not have the virus unless one has a test kit. I want such a test kit. But I also know that it will be hard to convince the health authorities that they should come to my house with these swappy-thingies if I don’t really have any worrying symptoms, have returned from an at-risk area or have reason to think that I came in contact with someone who has the virus.

But why do I experience these headaches?

And why does my forehead feel hot, even if my thermometer doesn’t show that I have a temperature?

Why do I feel generally unwell?

Excessive worrying can restrict a person’s life — Photo by niklas_hamann on Unsplash

General anxiety disorder (GAD) is characterized by increased worrying over an extended period to a degree so high that it seriously restricts the sufferer’s life.

Most people feel at least somewhat anxious about the coronavirus and worry how the pandemic might restrict or even threaten their lives.

But when you have a GAD pandemics such as Covid-19 may well push you over the edge of sanity.

I have been diagnosed with GAD over 15 years ago.

But I am a high functioning sufferer, which means that at least from the outside I seem to have my shit together. I work, I shop, I clean, I look after myself and my loved ones. I had to learn to hold it together, it wasn’t something that came naturally to me. It required a lot of effort, therapy, checking into my body, reflecting on myself, mindfully taking one step after the next one.

So this pandemic panic isn’t the first catastrophic concern I had to deal with.

And when the news reported cases of people infected by the virus in China I reacted like many relatively chilled people: “Oh well, that’s far away.”

When the first case was reported in my country, I reacted like some seriously mellow folks: “Oh well, if I get it, I’ll just fight it off like the common cold.”

What broke down my mental defenses was not the fact that I have a condition that potentially puts me in the high-risk group, or that the numbers around me have increased faster than I can swipe away guys posting with sedated wild animals on Tinder. Or even that the country I live in has closed down all schools and universities.

What got me were people.

Of course, people!

A precious commodity these days — Photo by Claire Mueller on Unsplash

Two days ago I went to a local supermarket to buy some veggies, the fresh kind. I’ve never seen the supermarket this crowded with people and empty of goods.

Pasta, sauces, bread, flour, frozen peas, toilet paper — we’ve all heard about the empty shelves. I laughed when I read about it. People are stupid. Toilet paper, what?!?!

But when I realized that I couldn’t buy toilet paper or spaghetti even if I wanted to (which I didn’t), I felt the burning sensation of panic rising in my chest.

What if I needed peas? What if I wanted to make a cake? What happens when I inevitably run out of toilet rolls? And more importantly:

what if the hoarders are onto something, what if they know something I don’t?

How could I have been so naive??!

I’ve prepared for catastrophes that didn’t happen my whole life. Should this be my ironic end, to die from the one thing that I didn’t worry about?

I don’t mean dying from coronavirus (though this is certainly also a worry). I mean dying from… I’m not sure. Starving? Being killed by my fellow humans because I refused to surrender my hand sanitizing gel to them?

It’s the toilet paper.

Empty shelves where toilet rolls should be symbolizes anarchy, doesn’t it?

The breakdown of society and order as we know it. If you have to start wiping your arse with paper coffee filters because the world’s toilet rolls are locked away in some hoarders’ volts then there’s only one rule left governing civilization: each human for themselves.

Look out for the emergency exit! Photo by DDP on Unsplash

And so the crowded supermarket feels like the gladiators’ arena. I suspiciously observe anyone invading my circle of personal space, which has now increased to at least 80 inches in diameter.

I lock my hand sanitizer into the glove compartment because I am worried someone might break into my car just to get hold of it.

I’ve joined groups on Facebook where people share information on which supermarket is still stocked with essentials.

All while my forehead feels tight and hot. My skin feels itchy. My heart is racing.

I measure my temperature once every hour.

No more than once every 60 minutes is the rule I set myself. I tell my mum, my best friend, and my cat that I am not feeling well at all. I might have the virus. Or I might just be really anxious.

Feeling anxious, especially in exceptional circumstances such as a pandemic outbreak, is perfectly normal.

It’s good that people feel anxious about the Coronavirus.

It leads to desirable actions, such as frequent hand washing, social isolation, or quickly making available resources to develop a vaccination against the virus.

You don’t have an anxiety disorder just because you feel anxiety.

Your anxiety is disordered when you suffer under your anxiety. When you don’t “just” feel anxious, a totally normal feeling, but try to calm your anxiety by worrying excessively about the future.

Worrying is a strategy — Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

It sounds paradoxical, but worrying is a coping strategy. Worrying helps us cope with anxious thoughts and feelings.

At least we feel like we are doing something, we react to the anxious thoughts and feelings, we move from being just passive (having anxiety) to being active (worrying).

Sometimes that’s helpful. These days, it’s helpful to worry about Coronavirus if it makes you wash your hands regularly. Or if, given the way the virus is transmitted, it makes you stay away from people.

But if worrying about the virus makes you desperately comb through every supermarket within a 50-miles radius only to end up with more anxiety, then your worrying has become ineffective.

Worrying can move you towards helpful action — but it can also become your prison.

So, what’s my GAD-plan for the foreseeable future with Coronavirus raging across the planet?

I’ll stay away from crowds as much as possible, wash my hands frequently, try not to touch my face while outside the house and away from water and soap, and wait for stocks to come back into my local supermarket to buy a few packets of fusilli and tomato passata. And, oh, one extra packet of toilet rolls.

Just like any reasonably cautious person would do.

If most of us act reasonably cautiously, then we’ve got this!

Together!

Just with an invisible circle of social distancing around each of us for now.