Albany

You say Amazon is hunting for a city to host its second headquarters? The company needs a gigantic building for thousands of employees?

Well, look no further, Mr. Bezos. Have we got an opportunity for you!

We're talking 500,000 square feet of adaptable space, which just so happens to be what Amazon needs. A structure with an, um, unusual exterior that's prominent on the Albany skyline. A regional landmark, if you will.

Yessirree, sign right here on the dotted line, Mr. Bezos, and the Central Warehouse will be yours to enjoy. You're going to love it! And don't believe what anybody tells you about upstate in January.

Oh, we know the Central Warehouse has a new owner who intends to use the landmark for his downstate architectural salvage business — a man who called it "the ugliest building ever built in the state of New York."

We're sure he could be prompted to sell for the right price.

And yes, we know conventional wisdom claims Albany has no chance to land Amazon's HQ2, as it's being called, because we aren't big or diverse enough and our airport lacks international flights. We supposedly lack the glitz and glamour of a Dallas, Chicago or Omaha.

But conventional wisdom has never banged its not-so-smart head into the hard reality of Central Warehouse concrete — four feet thick! What other city can offer that?

None can, which is why they should all stop with the pathetic groveling.

We're looking at you, Tucson, with your sad attempt to mail a 21-foot cactus to Amazon's campus in soggy Seattle. Your mayor should be arrested for plant abuse.

Forget about it, Ottawa. You can talk all you want about Trump not being president up there in Canada, but you're not landing Amazon. Your winters are even worse than ours.

And while we admire your determination, Buffalo, you remain the Charlie Brown of cities. Even if you somehow manage to kick this football, it's going wide right, a la Scott Norwood.

We get you, Mr. Bezos. (Can we call you Jeff? No? OK.) We know you don't care about cacti and presidential nuttiness. We understand that Amazon is in this for one thing: money. We know you want corporate welfare like the world has never seen.

You're in luck! New York state is the king of crony capitalism. Get this: We gave a chip-fab outfit up in Saratoga County $1.2 billion for just 3,000 jobs.

You read that right. And since you're promising 50,000 jobs ... well, do the math. We're talking about a windfall of staggering proportions, Jeff. A bonanza.

Now that we have your attention, we should warn you about one drawback to life here. Sadly, this region is home to some people in Smalbany who will probably have something snarky to say about the massive subsidies we will give you.

They may point out the hypocrisy of a company that wants to locate in a place with all the benefits of taxpayer investment — great schools, infrastructure and transit — but yet doesn't want to actually, you know, pay taxes. The critics may even say it's unethical to bribe private corporations with public money.

We're sorry you had to hear that, Jeff. Please understand that our government officials pay little attention to their subjects. The "citizenry" can prattle on with its nasty negativity about high taxes, but it means nothing and will not impact your windfall.

So let's get back to talking about something positive.

More Information Contact columnist Chris Churchill at 518-454-5442 or email cchurchill@timesunion.com See More Collapse

The Central Warehouse!

It's a cold-storage facility built in 1921. It looms over the northern edge of downtown. It has long been vacant, except for a few squatters. It will survive whatever catastrophes befall the world.

What more could you want?

True, its grandeur is misunderstood. While some may call the warehouse ugly, it's no uglier than what Amazon is doing to independent bookstores and Main Street businesses. While its neighborhood is gritty, the surroundings feature vacant land for all of Amazon's expansion needs.

The Central Warehouse is near an airport with direct service to Massena. It looks out over a highway that whisks motorists to Green Island. It offers a ...

What's that, Jeff? You're not completely sold just yet? You think your potential employees will find Albany small and dull?

That hurts our feelings, Jeff, but we get it. We have heard such insults before. But before you make up your mind, permit us to ask just one question.

Have you ever ridden in a gondola?