Getting stabbed in the face—specifically, the eye.

Desperately needing to get to a bathroom on one of those days when the subway just stops indefinitely for no apparent reason.

Footage of the all-white production of “Once on This Island” that my high school put on making it online.

Getting my wedding ring caught on something and having it almost rip my hand off, as happened to Jimmy Fallon. (Very gross. Do not investigate further.)

What if all my friendships are actually the setup to some kind of elaborate joke at my expense which will eventually pay off in some sort of elaborate prank on a future birthday? Like, maybe no one will show up to my party, and a man with sad eyes will deliver a cake that reads “It’s over, bro.”

Anyone who respects me finding out that I thought paisley was a color until I was, like, twenty-seven.

My dog learning to talk, but only for the purpose of telling visitors all the gross stuff I do when I’m home alone.

Something bad happening to my wife or parents while I am travelling for work.

God does exist, but it’s Zeus. Like, what the hell?

Dying in a way that’s so embarrassing that my descendants have to change their last name to avoid being associated with it.

Becoming a ghost whose unfinished business is some kind of simple mechanical task that I am ill-equipped for, so I have to spend eternity in my old apartment trying to put together a lamp or install an air-conditioner, or some other odd job that my dad could complete in five minutes.

Turning into one of those old guys who’s, like, “I don’t get why things are different than when I was a kid! Everything should stay the same, starting at the point when I became comfortable with it!”

Living forever but hating all the new music.

America continuing its horrifying trend of race- and gender-based income inequality, leading to even more wealth and opportunity being concentrated in the hands of an even smaller group, leaving everyone else unprepared for the consequences of climate change, automation, and other accelerating global challenges.

Being kicked by a horse.

*From “Nice Try: Stories of Best Intentions and Mixed Results.”