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Fresh from being denied a chance to have his cricketing ban shortened or perhaps even liften, former Test captain Steve ‘Smudge’ Smith has told journalists outside his Sydney home that he’s already beaten India this summer anyway and Cricket Australia can suck on that.

“I’m not telling them how I did it, either,” said Smith.

“It’s pretty simple if you use the right tactics, rest people when you should. Also, not playing silly strokes. Test cricket isn’t a race guys, it goes for five days usually. Well, it can but sometimes it doesn’t,”

“So yeah. I reckon they probably should’ve let me play because now I’ve got the secrets to victory. But guess what, I’m not telling anybody so go suck a fat one, Cricket Australia.”

Smith, who famously calms his nerves before going into bat with his beloved Nintendo Switch, said that he understands that the video game Indian team is different to what they are in real life – but they’re strengths and weaknesses are largely the same.

Before heading back inside to play Red Dead Redemption 2, the 29-year-old wrist-spinner said Shane Warne did the same thing he did when he copped a 12-month doping ban.

“Shane used to play Shane Warne Cricket 99 when he was out injured and banned. He swears by it,”

“And if it’s good enough for Shane, it’s good enough for this man of the Shire. No dis Frodo! [laughs]”

More to come.