I joined the United States Army as a public affairs specialist in 2003, fully aware of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” and the repercussions a gay soldier could possibly face. I fought beside the finest men and women, fully knowing I was fighting to protect the freedoms of many who do not approve of homosexuality.

I wrote this five years ago during my service, as I felt the need to express my feelings, secretly, about being gay and in the military:

As a citizen of a democratic society, with freedom as its foundation and core, I stand, proud to serve my country and defend all this nation stands for. I am prepared to fight for and protect freedom in our homeland. I am also prepared to fight for others, so that those who do not understand or feel the slightest bit of freedom may share and know the freedoms that we have been blessed with as Americans. Yet in that alone, there is a world of irony: I am not free, we are not free.



Freedom is defined as having liberty and privilege — independence of thought, choice and action; the ability to move or act without interference, coercion or restraint. Freedom implies that determining what is right to do or think is an internal matter, whether personally or politically, and is not to be decided by an outsider. Liberty suggests having the power to do those things that freedom permits one to do.

Sure, in America we are free, free to vote a single person into office whose job in and of itself is to limit the so-called freedoms that we stand and fight to protect. Yes, I suppose we do have a say as a whole, but it is society that chooses. Who is society, anyway? I am definitely not society.

Love is defined as profound affection and deep devotion between people, involving compassion and concern for others. To be in love is to feel enamored with love.

It is in the sphere of love that my freedoms are restricted. It is love that our so-called great society — a free society — will not allow me to feel or even acknowledge.

Why, you ask?

It is simple. I am a homosexual American. On top of that, I am an American soldier.

In that sentence alone, I just destroyed all credibility I may have ever gained — all awards, recommendations and accomplishments were just erased and I, like my voice, have become nothing.

Our nation strives to achieve peace throughout our world — freedom from war, strife and disturbance. The foundation of peace is love, that compassion and concern we should carry for each other, but clearly don’t. Why is it that when others aren’t like “society,” others are not loved?

Whites don’t love blacks who don’t love Mexicans who don’t love Asians. The rich don’t love the poor who don’t love the rich in return. Christians don’t love Mormons who don’t love Muslims who don’t love Jews. Heterosexuals don’t love homosexuals, yet homosexuals fight simply to love and be loved.

And in society, we are nothing.

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Heterosexuals in society are very fortunate in the simple fact that they get to show and acknowledge the love they share. Yet I, as a supposed member of this society, hurt and ache because I do not share the same privilege, the same freedom.

Heterosexuals in our society have no clue how much of love they take for granted.

However, I will agree with society on one thing: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Unfortunately, society makes me despise love.

Why? Because I don’t have the desire to love whom they want me to love.

And in that, I am nothing.

After serving for more than four years, I now live in Austin, Tex., with my partner of more than two years. I hold great pride in my service — I was named the Installation Management Agency Soldier of the Year and was awarded the Bronze Star for my work during my unit’s deployment in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. I was no less of a soldier, and I am no less of a person, because of my sexuality.

My unit had 110 soldiers killed during our deployment, and I would have gladly been killed 110 times over so they could live their lives today. Yet it is disconcerting that had my sexuality been known, my opportunity to serve our nation would have been compromised.

Less than 1 percent of our population serves in the armed forces. Not only that, we have been a nation at war for years, and still remain an all-volunteer force. A good portion of our fighting force is gay, fighting for freedoms that as gay citizens, we are not allowed to enjoy. How pathetic is that?

I fully support the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” and hope that those who fear homosexuality realize that gay or straight, we are all people capable of loving and serving one another. It is also my hope that the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell” is only the beginning of changes for the gay population in America, our pride-filled nation that sadly harbors unnecessary hatred.