Coffee: So delicious, and yet so mysterious. Is it a naturally occurring earth-bound substance? Or could it perhaps be the work of ancient aliens? Our feature series is less funny now that this is around half of ViceTV's schtick, but still we ask you to void your mind of all preconceived notions, as our Paranormal Theories columnist Bixby Klendathu delves deep into the mysteries that surround coffee’s origin.

In a previous screed for Sprudge, we revealed genetic and anthropological evidence of the extraterrestrial origin of coffee, and its role in early proto-human history. These, however, are not the only lines of evidence that begin to unravel the mystery of coffee’s history, chemistry, and crypto-utility among the ancients. And important questions remain, including—most critically—is coffee still a tool of extraterrestrial control of the human species?

My investigative team has been working on revealing new evidence, and we’re excited to share our conclusive findings.

Since it is well-known and easily proven that the secret knowledge of human proto-history has been concealed and archived by the secret societies (Freemasons, Knights Templar, etc.), the examination of Masonic rituals, symbols, and teachings have led to huge and explosive findings. If coffee is an ancient substance developed by secret intelligence in ancient Sumer-Babylon-Egypt we would expect to see abundant Masonic symbology in the coffee trade.

Our investigation incontrovertibly proves that this is so.

Exhibit one: the logo of leading Third Wave coffee company Intelligentsia Coffee. An examination of their corporate logo reveals “the all-seeing eye of Horus”—the classic Masonic/Egyptian symbol—embedded in what looks to be a cup levitated by wings. This eye looks up at a five-pointed star, another important Masonic symbol.

Portland coffee company Stumptown Coffee Roasters also has secret, sacred Masonic symbology embedded in their logo: their “horseshoe” icon is familiar to initiates of the secret rite, and the term “good luck” along with an illustration of a handshake (perhaps symbolizing human-god/alien interaction?) feature strongly on their label.

Finally, fast-expanding (fueled by intergalactic technologies??) San Franciscan coffee company Blue Bottle Coffee is an obvious reference to the arcane Masonic Blue Flask, embossed with imagery of Freemasonry. For what secret purpose is this bottle made?

This evidence shows conclusively that iconic Third Wave coffee companies have close connections to secret Masonic ancient knowledge. Here is what we know: humans were engineered in ancient times by visitors from a planet known only to them as “Nibiru,” by the visitors who mixed alien DNA with ape-DNA from Earth. Coffee (KHWH) was developed as a performance enhancer/emotional control substance for the overseer aliens to administer to proto-humans while they worked in the ancient Ethiopian mines controlled by the “Annunaki” overlord-alien-God-angels. Just as we have descended from the genetically modified alien-apes, we have brought with us our ancient mind-control substance, we call it “coffee.”

KAAL-D (“Kaldi”) is presumed to be the Annunaki scientist who performed this genetic graft, with assistance from the “goat-faced” aliens, and also the greys.

QUESTION: ARE THE COFFEE COMPANIES IN ON THIS SECRET?

You will notice that a very large number of “enlightened” coffee companies have bird or wing logos. Is this a reference to the airborne Annunaki/alien/angel visitors who created coffee in the first place? Is the eye of Horus/star/horseshoe/handshake a symbolic representation of the overlords/ dark star Nibiru/DNA/connection story? It seems so.

WHAT IS THE MESSAGE?

Our research has revealed a great deal of coded information on coffee bags, websites, coffee shop chalkboards, etc. This falls into two main categories:

CATEGORY ONE: GEOGRAPHIC COORDINATES

Some coffee companies transmit map-clues in their very names (Equator Coffees & Teas, 49th Parallel Roasters). Many others use specific farm names, GPS information, and, most tantalizingly, FARM ALTITUDE on their coffee descriptions. For what possible purpose would farm altitude data be except to communicate geographic landing-site KHWH information to embedded alien agents? Or perhaps hasten the coming Extraction Operation (“extraction” being a term of variable usage) by forcing coffee cultivation further up our mountain chains (themselves crafted by the magnetic forces of the Dark Star)?

CATEGORY TWO: DOSAGE/LOT INFORMATION

Remembering that KHWH (coffee) is a genetically-engineered performance/mood enhancing substance, Annunaki overlords must monitor dosage and lot information. Special priest-scientists (Q Graders/”cuppers”) assign 1–100 numbers to each coffee along with hidden codes taken from a special, colorful mandala, or “flavor wheel”. THIS IS ENCODED DATA. Several sources cite psychic mind-control properties in flavor descriptions that entice human subjects to consume KHWH (Example: 87 point lemon-jasmine-molasses).

We ask concerned citizens to collect and share coffee-label data with us so we can continue to compile and translate the secret Annunaki codex we feel is being transmitted DAILY in specialty coffee shops around the world. The harvest is night, equatorial and otherwise, and only by gathering data points and unraveling the codex will we able to prepare and staff accordingly for the coming rush.

Bixby Klendathu is a coffee enthusiast, Akkadian language scholar, and ardent UFO disclosure advocate. He contributes to a number of publications from his home in Pahrump, Nevada. Read more Bixby Klendathu on Sprudge.