We want to give people the freedom of choice. Except there will be no choice. And every other option will be punishable by death. Communist Party of China General Secretary President Xi Jinping

In a beautiful humanitarian effort to bring about global peace and stability, Communist Party of China Leader President Xi Jinping has boldly declared the launch of his very own cryptocurrency, the DCEP (Digital Currency Electronic Payment). This comes hot off the congressional hearing of Mark Zuckerberg’s Libra project where the United States squandered the only chance it had to maintain global superpower dominance against China in the upcoming “Crypto Cold War” by working together with Facebook.

When we spoke to one of President Xi’s aides he laughed and said “We want to thank Mr. Zuckerberg for teaching us how to use “Blockchain Technology™” to overthrow the United States. We had never expected Mr. Zuckerberg to so openly reveal his plan for world dominance so we could copy and improve on it. Before his testimony we weren’t thinking about anything other than shutting down TRON and torturing Justin Sun for his disrespectful loud mouth. Mr. Zuckerberg is the great man who gave us the brilliant idea to launch our own national currency to complete our Belt & Road initiative and fulfill the glorious legacy of our leader President Xi. We now honor him by calling our new currency the Xi Technology Coin, or “Xitcoin” (XIT).

When our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille started to chuckle, several armed soldiers grabbed him and dragged him away to force him at gunpoint to sign up for China’s voluntary organ donor program. We haven’t heard from him in a week and we’ve already rented out his desk.

President Xi’s aide revealed that the Communist Party of China is convinced that the launch of DCEP will be the final step towards keeping things “fair and equal” in their free society.

“We believe in the equal distribution of misery amongst our people. A mandatory issued cryptocurrency using “Blockchain Technology™” is the perfect way to liberate our citizens by monitoring their entire financial history to ensure that they’re not spending their money on white devil propaganda such as Winnie-the-Pooh, South Park, and Justin Bieber.”

(Our reporters actually agree on Justin.)

After once failing to launch Facebook in China, Mark Zuckerberg has quickly become a hero to the Chinese people. They call him “The White Hope” in Chinese, which literally translates to “Dumb fool who spilled the beans” in English.

We asked President Xi’s aide to share the parties views on Bitcoin and other Cryptocurrencies and his face became solemn and stern. “We allow them to exist for now. We have been mining Bitcoin for several years but we didn’t sell in 2017 and are holding on until the halvening to see what happens. We have even brought Jihan Wu back to Bitmain to give him one more chance to redeem himself by pumping our Bitcoin Cash bags before he is executed.”

The news of China’s “DCEP-tion” is a major concerning development following the recent “Fight for Hong Kong” scandal which had several major United States conglomerates and LeBron James receiving severe neck injuries from turning a blind eye to global humanitarian issues. When our reporters called our local California representative, Nancy Pelosi, to share our concerns about China’s financial dominance she told us to shift our focus towards more important issues such as sex change operations for death row inmates and converting unisex bathrooms into gender neutral ones.

LeBron recently pledged his loyalty to the Peoples Republic of China on the BLOCKCHAIN!

In light of the realization that the United States would rather focus on identity politics over the sheer and immediate impending financial apocalyptic doomsday that is headed our way, we here at Coin Jazeera have ramped up our mandatory company wide Mandarin courses in the hopes that we can one day beg for forgiveness and sell Coin Jazeera to the Chinese market to become a state-sponsored media source.

How co-working spaces now look in San Francisco.

Photo courtesy of Mondly

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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