This is a story about love. Well, no. But it’s a story about girls. One girl in particular, a girl who is a bit of an internet legend in her own right even though right now she is still just 19 years old. Now to be sure she’s no Cingy Margolis, Howard Stern’s “ass girl” or even a Boxy, but she’s got quite a bit of myth and legend surrounding her regardless. That girl is Desiree.

This story begins quite a long time ago when I was just 23 years old. At the time I was posting heavily on the B9 Board (why do so many of my stories start this way?) and Desiree posted on there too. She had already carved out quite a reputation by way of numerous stories that circulated concerning her promiscuous behavior. I recall reading stories involving torrid acts like doing anal on a tourbus at Warped Tour with the singer of a band, following a band around tour WITH HER MOM all over Canada (she grew up in Vancouver although she was born in Romania or some weird shit) so she could have sex with the singer and many other weird stories all involving dudes in bands, obv.

Of course there was the obvious n00d scandal (although true n00dz of Desi have never surfaced, many near-n00dz have, which caused quite the stir), the retarded hardcore cliches (she is Straight Edge and proud of it) and the adoring hardcore fanboys. She was, and still is, a bit of a celebrity in the hardcore world.

Her and I talked on Myspace for a while and she was, unsurprisingly, flirty. I doubt at the time I was on the level of coolness of the band dudes she was hooking up with, but she apparently had the foresight to realize how cool I would inevitably end up being (wink wink).

One night in particular we ended up talking on the phone and she went into vivid detail about how she wanted me to go to Canada to see her and have sex with her. I won’t even bother telling you the things that she described wanting me to do to her because by the end of the story I’ll have actually done them all to her, and worse. The conversation left me hot and bothered to say the least.

Now any of the math-inclined out there are probably reading this and thinking something like “she’s 19 now, you were 23 then, how old was she then?” Well she was 16, but come on man, look at her. She’s 18 or 19 in most of the pics here but she didn’t look much different at all then. If statutory rape is wrong I didn’t wanna be right. Now I could make the argument that the age of consent is 16 in Canada (although I’m sure that traveling from America to Canada to have sex with a minor is still illegal as hell) but really, fuck an argument, she was stupid hot and I wanted in.

Unfortunately, I was also in talks with another girl named Katie at the time and soon things with her became exclusive. I dated Katie for almost 2 years and I didn’t talk to Desiree during that time. I was trying to be an adult and actually date a girl and stay true to her. Truth be told, I didn’t cheat on her once. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

Anyway fast forward to the Spring of 2009. I had been single for almost a year after a messy break up with Katie and I saw Desiree’s profile on Facebook and added her on a lark, thinking it might be funny to talk again. Of course deep down I was hoping there was some small percentage chance that I would be able to take her up on those sexual offers from years ago but it didn’t cross my mind for more than a few seconds.

She seemed happy that I had reconnected with her and we started to talk on AIM again. Slowly but surely, she fell under my spell again. Then Allah smiled upon me and rewarded me for all my good deeds by giving me a business venture that I needed to attend to in Vancouver. I asked her if she’d be down to let me sleep on her couch and help me get to and from meetings. She was happy to do so. This was my destiny.

I flew to Vancouver and she met me at the airport. Her makeup was even more caked on than normal, her hair was big, she was wearing a denim jacket and her tits were hanging out. I would soon learn that her tits were always hanging out. I mean they were gigantic so it would often be inevitable no matter what she wore that they would see the sun but I don’t think we ever spent a second together in which at least 30 percent of her boobs weren’t out on display.

Let me tell you something about Desiree’s personality, and that is, she is not dumb, or at least she doesn’t appear dumb at first. Now she is 19 and female, so of course to some extent she is a complete idiot but she’s capable herself in conversation even when the going gets tough and I start busting out hardcore logical arguments that cripple her dumb beliefs. And one thing she is good for is dumb beliefs. She’s Straight Edge and will talk in depth about the evils of drugs and alcohol without having actually done either. She cites the overwhelming number of heroin addicts in Vancouver as one of her reasons why she is Edge, as if the fact that drug addicts exist is reason enough to not have a beer. She believes in God although she doesn’t have any real concept of what that entails or means, and she is COMPLETELY convinced that her purpose on earth is to meet a man, marry him, and settle down and have kids. But somehow despite all these childish thoughts that are ingrained in her, she manages to carry herself in a way that makes her seem sort of intelligent until you dig down right to the very fiber of her personality, or talk to her about any subject that hasn’t been covered in Cosmopolitan or The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.

I realized that although things had really just began (I had just met her in real life) I was in the final quarter of this game. I had already convinced her to let me come and stay with her, all I had to do at this point was not completely repulse or offend her and I would soon be knee deep in a sea of vaginal and anal secretion. I did what I could to be funny and talkative but I stayed conservative, not hinting at anything sexual.

After dinner and driving around for a while, we returned to her Mother’s house (I guess I forgot to say that even though I was 7 years older than her her Mom didn’t mind the idea of a guy staying over for a few days) and after talking and watching The Office for a while, we went to bed. We cuddled. But I decided to err on the side of caution and continue to build a base of comfort. Although I knew it was total bullshit, she was still pretending to not want to bang me, with her reasoning being that I was a dirtball who slept with too many girls, etc etc. She didn’t straight up SAY that but I got the feeling.

I met her Mom that night too, and that was something else. Her Mother still has a hardcore Romanian accent despite living here for 20 years or something, and she introduced me quickly to the wild world of Canadian racism. She sat down on the side of the bed and we had a conversation that went something like this:

Her: So Adam, let me ask you, do you have a lot of the Asians in Brooklyn?

Me: Uhhh, I mean there are neighborhoods and areas with a lot of Asians.

Her: Are there a lot of the blacks?

Me: I guess yeah, I mean not in my neighborhood, I live in a hispanic neighborhood in Bushwick but right down the street there are neighborhoods that are mostly black, it’s very mixed but sort of divided in that way.

Her: What about the Indian people, are there a lot of Indian people?

At this point I realized that she wasn’t happy with my answers and was really just looking for someone to comfort her in her racist beliefs. If I had said “black people? Fuck yeah we’ve got them and I fucking hate ‘em with their fried chicken and their funky rap music” she probably would have donned a Klan hood and adopted me. The level of hate for “natives” I saw from Desiree and to a lesser extent from her Mom was seriously pretty crazy, especially coming from a family that would have beat the shit out of me if I ever said anything halfway racist. But I digress.

The next day I had to wake up and do meetings all day, and it was then that I realized another strange aspect of Desiree’s personality, she takes FOREVER to get ready in the morning. It honestly took her 2 hours to get ready, going back and forth putting on outfits and checking herself out in the mirror, and putting on make-up. She puts on a fucking shitload of make-up, although honestly her face is damn near immaculate without it so she doesn’t look THAT different by the time she’s finished. I kept trying to leave and the bitch kept on putting on make-up. It was something else.

Anyway somehow I managed to make it to the meeting only 10 or 15 minutes late (she dropped me off) and I did that all day, then she picked me up later and we hung out and went out to eat, etc. Later that night in bed we started making out for the first time. We had sex and I’m not lying when I say that it lasted AT MOST 1 minute. Normally I’m not bad at controlling myself in that regard, but this was different, I had been staring at this girl’s monster tits for 30 hours with no ability to jerk off and I’m not exaggerating when I say she’s the hottest girl I’d ever laid hands on, so I was done in a hurry but she didn’t seem to mind. She acted kind of weird and emotional afterwards and I didn’t really get why but I later figured it out that she was “dating” this dude named Scott, a male model from Vancouver who was about my age. Coincidentally, towards the end of my time talking to Desiree, Scott approached me on the street in Brooklyn randomly and introduced himself, asking if I knew Desiree. Pretty much on the opposite end of North America. Very weird.

The next day was another full day of meetings and again, I had practically no sleep and was pretty much useless but slammed coffee all day to remain coherent. She picked me up later and again, we went out to eat and shit then ended up back at her house. I was getting sick to death of hanging out with a Straight Edge girl and just wanted to get fucked up but if I got to keep banging her I figured it was an alright compromise. Later that night we banged again and this time I managed to control myself a little better thank god.

The next day was my final full day in Vancouver and my business needs had been taken care of so she promised me a full day of sight-seeing. Let me tell you something about myself: I hate sight-seeing. I know a lot of people like it and that’s cool, but I don’t get it. It is enough for me to know that the Empire State Building exists. I could go on Google right now and learn everything there is to know about it. I just don’t really give a shit about seeing it in real life. Once, in Paris, upon first seeing the Eiffel Tower, I felt sort of taken aback by it and thought to myself “damn, this is actually really awesome” but then I realized I didn’t give a shit about seeing it, I was just shocked by how big it was.

(Desiree insisted that she and I both wear all red for Canada Day and her Mom took this picture of us in her front yard)

It was Canada Day (which is their version of Independence Day but stupider because Canada has never actually done anything worth mentioning in their time as a country besides manage to not get blown up or do anything else interesting), which made her even more excited to show me around, particularly because prior to that trip I had never even heard of Canada Day. So to start she took me to a place to get wings. She was really into wings. I totally fucked myself over by eating a ton of wings while slamming 2 beers, then eating ice cream immediately after. I don’t have a sensitive stomach but when it comes to eating such a contradictory blend of foods for breakfast, I didn’t stand a chance and aside from shitting out a stream of black tar straight from the depths of hell, I just got into a horrible mood and got a headache that lasted the rest of the day. I was determined to bang her again by the end of the day so I kept it inside and acted like I was having fun while she took me to the Vancouver Science Museum. There is nothing I like less on earth than museums. I would rather be raped with a ceremonial knife every day for the rest of my life than go to a museum. I toughed it out though.

We did some more touristy shit so boring I can’t even remember enough details about to describe, then went to some vegan place to eat because she had insisted I had to eat these nachos. At this point, you are probably getting a little bored wondering when some scandalous sexual shit is going to happen. Well wait no longer. She had held herself together pretty well up to this point in regards to the whole “not acting like a total whore” thing, but soon after parking at this vegan place, I said something sexual that set her off and she flicked her key, drove her car down the street a little bit and parked in some random dude’s garage, then threw her seat back and pulled me on top of her.

We made out, intensely. She pulled her tits out of her shirt and pushed my fingers into her vagina. Then she pushed me back into my seat and started giving me head with no mercy. I figured I’d go for the gold and stick 2 fingers in her butthole while she did this.

At this point I have to mention something funny that only BMXers will appreciate. While in this dude’s garage, I was in full view of a spot that I’d seen ridden in the Lotek Vancouver DVD. Ian Schwartz does a crank slide on this yellow ledge into a bank. So the whole time she’s giving me head I keep looking back to make sure that the dude whose house we were parked at, or worse, a cop, isn’t coming and I keep seeing this bank to ledge and thinking about Ian Schwartz. It was uh… weird. But I realized even as it was happening that it was pretty funny to be thinking about a pro rider I am friends with while getting head in some dude’s garage, so it was alright.

I came in her mouth, and then she spit it out the window. This struck me as odd, because she and I had had a conversation a few days earlier where she talked about how girls who don’t swallow cum are pretty much the scum of the earth. Now personally, I don’t care, once it leaves my penis, the last thing I care about is where the shit ends up, if she swallows fine, if she spits it out that’s okay too, but it was a curious contradiction that she spit mine out, so we had this conversation:

Me: I thought you hated girls who spit.

Her: Yeah, I do, but I don’t want to get herpes in my throat.

I started laughing hysterically. This might be the most fully loaded LOL statement of all time after sex. Did she think I had herpes and had sex with me anyway? Did she really think male ejaculate was capable of carrying herpes? If she did think that, did she think you could get herpes on your throat, or if that if you could, it would be okay to get it on your mouth and not your throat? Girls, girls, girls.

We hung out for a while longer and that night I wanted to make sure we humped again, but a combination of my headache and the fact that I had barely slept while in Canada had me passed out the second we got home. She drove me to the airport the next morning and I flew back to NYC happy with what I had accomplished.

But the story isn’t over yet. Nope. I had feelings for her. Uh oh. Part 2 coming soon.