Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Youre fired as a Hollywood casting agent this week for suggesting the only actor that could play a DNA-manipulating scientist is Gene Hackman.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

After inventing a sci-fi / horror crossover on Monday with a vampire robot called Nosferatu D2, you take the rest of the week off.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You haven’t watched a single episode of The Wombles this month. Stoptobermory is going well.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You wished youd learned to play an instrument as a youngster but did Yehudi Menuhin ever clock Sonic in one sitting?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Too early to have a drink has now been pushed back so far that youve rigged your teasmade up to mix margaritas.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You made a point of getting up early on Sunday to get two Glastonbury tickets. Now for ten enjoyable months of annoying arseholes by telling them youve no intention of using them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Don’t waste your life waiting for hairy backs to come into fashion.

Taurus (20 APRIL  20 MAY)

Youve managed to teeter on the edge of being fired for so longer that your next probationary review has been cancelled to make way for your retirement party.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Instead of using the internet reviews why not try going into the street and ask random strangers what you should spend your money on?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You always tidy the house before going on holiday, because you worry about what burglars might think.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me squint and have really aged my face.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Printed on 100% recycled cosmos.