So I’m at my folks for xmas and was super excited cos they’re really old and prone to leaving all kinds of weird food stuffs in their cupboards for me to play with, and suffice to say, today was no exception when I found this incredible bottle of, er, stuff!

I think this bottle predates time itself because it looks super old, but I’m guessing it’s from sometime in the mid 1980’s judging by the font, but I could be wrong, either way, it is pretty f*cking far past its sell-by date.

First up I inspect the back of the bottle and uncover some strange old script from a long forgotten language:

Blah blah something and something and home brewing and meat and microwaves (zoom in if you don’t believe me); the ingredients allegedly are glucose syrup, E150 (?) and salt; the side of the bottle looks corroded after spending so much time at the back of my folks cupboard.

And what’s in the bottle?

You know what I’m thinking? Yeah, I know you’re thinking it too: old artifact, mystic symbols, black goo…

Uh, erm, well it makes sense to me! Cough…unlike Prometheus…cough…

Anyway, what does this 30 year bottle-aged black goop taste like?

A little malty, not very sweet, salty, but above all ridiculously bitter and completely inedible. GAAAGGGGGAGGGHHH! I am going to have a hard time making this work with anything!

But what?

I return to the mystic tar stained instructions on the back of the bottle and figure I’m going down the meat and microwave route because meat+microwave+mystery black goop=probably delicious mutated future food adventure. Seriously, how the hell do I know how it will turn out? I should be down the pub with friends right now, not writing this nonsense.

I start by raiding the fridge to see what meatstuff would best suit the black fluid:

Smoked salmon!

And I place these two into an ultra powerful microwave for 2 minutes and wait for the magic to happen…

…after 30 seconds, things started going very badly wrong:

Anyway, I don’t like a little thing like burning food phase me…

And here’s the finished result 90 seconds later!

…moving swiftly on… how’s it taste?

It is burnt to a cinder and welded to the bottom of the plate which makes isolating anything edible virtually impossible, but the bits I do taste are utterly and appallingly disgusting; very salty, slightly fishy and weirdly crunchy. I really had my hopes super high for something utterly magical to happen 😦

😦

So, did Prometheus make any sense to you at all? Am I going to die soon? WTF was that black stuff? You can answer all these questions on my Facebook page or even Twitter.

Go!

And if you can be bothered I’ve entered this blog event thing and I might get a chance to go to an awards do where I can drink myself virtually unconscious on the free bar before making a rambling and incoherent acceptance speech.

I also blog at huffpost…