BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA — Earlier this week, deep in the southern most region of America, far from any ongoing work of importance or semblance of genetic variation, fifteen year old Dug Wilbur, a total nerd by all standards, received a diagnosis of blood cancer.

While Wilbur’s diagnosis is certainly tragic, he’s not the only one to suffer as a result.

Trent Baxter, notorious school bully and classmate of Wilbur, also felt the pang of Wilbur’s ailment.

“I had dibs,” said Baxter, “Dug was my bitch. It’s just not fair. I mean, sure, Dug’s still a pussy-ass punk, but nobody would support me giving him a hard time like I used to… the fun is simply gone. Everyone used to laugh when I’d steal his lunch money and make fun of him for having such a big nose, now everybody just cries, the joy of ruining his day has totally been depleted… just like Dug’s T-cells..”

“At first I didn’t believe it,” Baxter continued, “It’s just so sad. To think I may never rip his underwear over his head again…. And the nuggies! How I miss them! It just seems pointless now without him having any hair to cause a brush burn. Same with the swirlies... You ever give a swirly to a bald kid? It’s just not the same at all. I don’t know how I’m going to get by moving forward. Dug definitely doesn’t have as much fight in him since beginning chemo. I don’t see him recovering to a point where I can beat on him anytime soon. It’s just so tragic. He’s too young and awkward not be bullied. He’s just too young…”