His wife said women 'can't have it all.' Now hear his side of the story. Society must be more open to male lead parents, professor says

Anne-Marie Slaughter wrote a story in The Atlantic—"Why Women Still Can't Have It All"—that was read by millions of Americans and prompted widespread debate about the role of working mothers.

Now, her husband shares his perspective: Some men don't need to just "help" with parenting duties. They need to lead.

Why one man decided to become a lead parent: To support his wife's career

According to Princeton University professor Andrew Moravcsik, he and Slaughter believed they would raise their children as "co-parents," by sharing duties or switching off being the lead parent.

Moravcsik and Slaughter began their careers as professors, and after taking parental leave when their two sons were born, Moravcsik "returned to work assuming my career trajectory would not really change."

But Slaughter, Moravcsik notes, was always "more competitive and driven" than he was. And as she took on prominent, intense leadership roles in academia and government, Moravscik says he realized his parenting role needed to change.

"Anne-Marie's job duties are incompatible with being a lead parent," Moravscik writes. "A female business executive willing to do what it takes to get to the top ... needs what male CEOs have always had: a spouse who bears most of the burden at home."

The challenges of being a lead parent

Moravcsik says working as a professor at a prestigious university has eased his ability to be a lead parent, with plenty of leave time and scheduling flexibility. But he acknowledges that his decision is unusual— according to a Pew Research Center study, just 4% of men provide more child care than their partners—and that for more men to take on such a role, society's "workplace rules and expectations must change."

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Moravcsik adds that working fathers also face "subtler psychological, cultural, and social obstacles" to being the lead parent. For instance, he says, such fathers may feel judged, especially as they age, and it can be difficult to build social connections in a female-dominated parenting world.

Why it's worth it

But despite the challenges, Moravcsik says taking on the lead parent has been worth it, and helped him foster a deep connection with his sons.

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By taking on a lead parenting role, Moravcsik says has helped his wife avoid the "motherhood penalty," which arises as women struggle to balance their professional and parenting responsibilities. The penalty has real costs to society, he says, adding that "despite their superior performance in college, surprisingly few women reach the pinnacles of professional success." Only 21% of surgeons, 20% of law-firm partners, and 9% of equity fund managers are women, he notes.

And Moravcsik says his wife's professional gains have paid off for him as well. For one, he says the arrangement has led to a happy, healthy marriage. "Her achievements make me proud, and the balance we have struck leaves us happier as a couple," he says.

But the most "fundamental" reason for accepting and rewarding men who take on a lead parenting role, Moravcsik writes, is to create a "more egalitarian and open-ended distribution of family work."

"At the end of life," Moravcsik concludes, "we know that a top regret of most men is that they did not lead the caring and connected life they wanted, but rather the career-oriented life that was expected of them."

"I will not have that regret" (Moravcsik, The Atlantic, October 2015).