When I was but a child, who knew not of love and loss, I watched my first computer suck in it's last breath.

All those video game save-files lost, like tears in rain...

These origin stories really tug at the ol' heartstrings huh?

From that day on I vowed to learn the ways of technology.

I can discern your death rays from your death beams, if you know what I'm saying.

Now I'm a high-tech superhero, I'll go to any length to protect the innocent.

Unless there's a crowd watching, I don't like to be the center of attention.

I fear naught.

Except for, you know, scary stuff.

I thought of taking a superhero name based on an animal I'm afraid of, like Batman did, but "AllAnimalsThatAren'tSoftAndCuddly-Man" wasn't that catchy.

Instead my hero name is Ion. That's the kind of name that really gets the kids jazzed. Stoked to the max. It's a rad name, is what I'm saying.

By day I'm just your average, mild mannered rock star. No, not really.

But oh, what's this? A heinous criminal act. A robber trying to steal a handbag from an old lady. If only someone was here to help...

Ion: You there! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Robber: You? You realize you're smaller than even this old lady?

Ion: Oh...well, you know what I mean.

Robber: You're freakishly skinny actually.

Ion: Nobody warned me criminals could be so cruel...

Robber: And you're pretty short.

Ion: Low blow, man! Now you've got a 100 pounds of pain coming your way! Are going to surrender?

Robber: Hmm, go to prison or use my gun...what to do?

Ion: If you shoot me, my super-suit will instantly heal me, so don't even try it!

Robber: Couldn't you just have made the suit bulletproof?

Ion: You know how much Kevlar weighs? Kilograms! Plural!

Robber: Well, I can't just take your word for it and give up, you'll have to demonstrate.

As soon as he finishes speaking he shoots me and hits the lower part of my gut.

Ion: AAH! WHAT THE HELL...ENISTIC CIVILIZATION?!

Now that's how you smoothly cover up an accidental swear word in front of an old lady.

Ion: I CAN STILL FEEL PAIN YOU KNOW! Aw man, you hit my bladder...

Robber: You sure you didn't just piss yourself?

Ion: No way! I'm 60% sure I didn't! My costume's ruined...

Robber: Don't worry, I'm sure your boyfriend will sow you a new one.

Ion: I don't have a boyfriend.

Robber: If you say so. Are those roller-blades you're wearing?

Ion: Jet powered roller-blades! Totally not gay.

Robber: Why didn't you make something cool, like a hovering skateboard instead?

Ion: Technical reasons.

Robber: Is it because you're technically gay?

Ion: No. Anyway, look, the wound is already healed.

Robber: Sorry man, I had to try it. On second thought, just one bullet doesn't really prove anything...

He shoots me several times more.

Once I've recovered from the bullets, I tell him:

Ion: Just for that, I'm going to pull some strings with the mayor's office to make sure you get a prison cell with a poor view!

Robber: C'mon man, have a heart!

Ion: And I'm going to try out my new Gravity Glove on you!

I activate the glove, but I somehow manage target myself with it.

Ion: Okay, so I've accidentally pinned myself to the ground. Let that be a lesson to you. That's what will happen to you if I catch you again.

Robber: You've convinced me, no more crime for this guy, no sir.

He walks away with his hands in his pockets while whistling a tune. I'll probably lie awake many nights wondering if I really got through to him...

In my defence that was a small screw up by my standards. Once the gravity effect wears off, I walk up to the old lady he was robbing.

Ion: Alright ma'am, I've scared him off.

Lady: Thanks! Would you mind helping me clean my house as well?

Ion: Oh, I'm pretty busy with superhero stuff you know.

Lady:Of course, you'd rather be out saving damsels in distress than helping out an old lady who has no one!

Ion: Well, saving people is pretty important don't you think?

Lady: Who's going to save me from being eaten by rats in my own home?!

Ion: There's rats trying to eat you?

Lady: There was just two at first, in my garden, but I was lonely, so I started feeding them. It got out of hand.

Ion: Have you stopped feeding them?!

Lady: Let guests go hungry under my roof? I'll not have my hospitality questioned!

Ion: OK, I'll see if I can get rid of them...

She leads the way to her house, and upon entering I am greeted with an unusual sight.

Ion: I thought you said you had a rat problem?

Lady: Yes, they're right there!

Ion: Those are BEARS!

Lady: They are? I thought they were those big city rats you hear so much about.

Ion: Rats aren't bear-sized!

Lady: I suppose that's why those rat traps didn't work.

Ion: So you want me to get rid of them?

Lady: Obviously, I'm not some crazy lady who wants a bunch of bears in her house. I'll just keep one, for company.

Ion: If you say so...

I guess I'll just use my other glove, the Anti-Gravity one, to make the bears float and then push them outside. What could go wrong? The glamour of being a superhero...I'm starting to understand why heroes spend so much time as their alter egos with cushy office-jobs. That wouldn't impress the girl I'm trying to impress though. What, did you think there wasn't going to be a girl? I'm not gay!

Decades earlier...

The old lady from before is a young woman, sitting in a park reading a novel, while keeping an eye on her kids playing nearby.

A man with a sad smile wanders up to her.

Man: Isn't it strange how we care more about the misfortunes of fictional characters than people right in front of us?

Lady: Why hello there stranger, I suppose that is rather strange.

Man: That's a lovely family you've got there.

Lady: Thank you, they're quite a handful!

Man: Sometimes I think it's quite unfair for others to have such idyllic family lives.

Lady: Don't worry, I'm sure you will too one day.

Man: I don't think so. Ever feel like you can't really connect with anyone?

Lady: Are you alright, dear?

Man: What if after I bid farewell, you felt like that for the rest of your life?

Lady: What do you mean?

Man: You lose touch with even your closest family and friends, drift away. You become so lonely you feel like you're going crazy.

Lady: That's a frightening thought.

Man: It always feels better knowing other people are going through the same things you are, doesn't it?

Lady: Do you need someone to talk to?

Man: No, I must get back to my busy schedule of lonely wandering.

Lady: Well, it was nice meeting you...

Man: Goodbye.