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John & Jackie Melfi of OpenLove 101 shared a video post about being a more “out and proud” member of the lifestyle. Check it out… Lifestyle Pride – Openlove101 – http://openlove101.com/swing-lifestyle-pride/‬

First, I want to thank and commend Jackie & John for being fantastic ambassadors of the Lifestyle. They are one of only a few couples who represent (what I call) Lifestyle 2.0 with a focus on relationship/personal growth over the hedonistic aspects of swinging. We absolutely love and appreciate the work they’re doing.

Having swinger “pride” and being “out” is great, and anyone willing to put their faces out there (especially couples who seem “normal” is awesome. But, while we (swingers) share the common experience of hiding a part of our identity, comparing ourselves to the LGBT and other communities could invite some scorn from members of those communities.

Born This Way

If the 60s-80s were about fighting discrimination based on their VISIBLE genetic traits, the 90s to 2010s are about fighting discrimination based on INVISIBLE genetic traits. As such, the LGBT rightly summoned the spirits of the racial-equality activists in their marches. Can swingers do the same? Could the 2020s be a time when people are accepted for “predispositions”?

To the homophobe, being gay or bisexual IS a “behavior” and “a choice”. But, to members of the LGBT community, it’s about being “born this way”, and many say they would not have chosen the challenges associated with being a minority. Minority races would (in general) say the same thing – they were born this way, and life might be better/easier if they weren’t.

As swingers, we should ask ourselves “are we wired this way?” And, “would life have be better if we weren’t? “. The answer puts us on different planet than the LGBT community, thus we need to be careful seeking empathy from this community. Even the poly & kink communities frown on swingers (I’ll save the story of my bad experience at a poly support group for another time).

Rattling Cages

So why are swingers so disliked and misunderstood? To answer this, we have to look at how every vanilla person looks at swinging through one or more “lenses”.

Lens 1: Social Norms

Simply put, swinging and consensual non-monogamy defy social norms. As such, a person with mainstream sensibilities is offended by the rebelliousness of the swinger to go against society’s norms.

Lens 2: Relationship Norms

Social, emotional, and sexual monogamy is the norm established by culture, religion, and even the state. Culturally, this has made us buy into the idea that we must stay monogamous infall three areas, and anything less represents a failure in the relationship. As such, the vanilla sees swingers as having failed marriages, and who seek sex with others to fulfill something that’s missing.

Lens 3: Fear of Relationship Loss

Many vanilla couples struggle with relationship insecurity, and as such, they fear that any form of sharing opens the door for your spouse to find someone else more “interesting”. This is the root of possessiveness.

Lens 4: Partner Validation

Probably the greatest hot-button for vanillas is that your partner’s commitment to you (across one or more of the three forms of monogamy) is linked to your desirability. Sacrificing your urge to sleep with others is a sign of love and attraction to your partner. This is the root of jealousy.

Lens 5: ENVY & Jealousy

Unless you’re gay, it’s hard to understand being gay. Unless you’re a kink, it’s hard to understand being a kink. But the average middle-class suburban couple “gets” and understands sex. Maybe this is why swingers are so threatening – it’s relatable, but filtered with the lenses, whereas other subcultures aren’t even relatable…you don’t need to look at it through any lens.

There’s likely an lens of jealousy or envy. I’m not talking about partner jealously. I’m talking about the vanilla who fantasizes about the swinging lifestyle, but doesn’t have the right relationship, or emotional intelligence to handle it. Thus, a happily married couple who successfully swing are akin to the self-made millionaire pulling up to the restaurant in his Lamborghini – to some, the presence of it shines a spotlight on your inadequacies. I had met some swinger couples many years before we entered the LS, and I was very jealous of the kind of fun, open, connected relationships they had, but I had none of the lenses above to give us pause when we discussed doing it.

LENS 6: SEX…DIRTY FILTHY SEX

Jackie mentioned this. Some vanillas have a terrible relationship with their sexuality thanks to their upbringing, religion and puritanical culture. Women are taught to resist the horny, rapey boys who only want to “notch”. Telling stories of 3-ways, group sex, etc. evokes “porn” visuals. As such, the person on the receiving end of these images views it the way they view porn…it’s either degrading and dirty, or is fantasy-fodder. But thanks to our culture, sexuality (especially adventurous sexuality) is a source of shame and guilt. This is also why the polyamorous community seems to be more acceptable to the vanilla world – they’re all about comprehensive “loving” relationships which sounds a lot more puritanical than swapping wives for an hour.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Everyone in the vanilla world wears some combination of these lenses. What we choose to do for fun rattles many sensibilities of the average person. Ironically, I know LGBT friends who would never share their partner. I know polyamorous couples who think swingers are shallow because “it’s just sex”. I know kinksters who think swingers are “loosey-goosey partiers” vs. their regimented and disciplined approach to the BDSM lifestyle (which I would argue is more of a “lifestyle” than the swingers’ use of the term).

Even my wife said “I don’t like the term ‘swinging’ because it sounds cavalier. I prefer the term consensual non-monogamy…it sounds more thoughtful “. But to anyone wanting to out themselves, I’d advise presenting the LS in a way that places a priority on the social aspects before the sexual aspects. Position it as “a fun, social community with open-minded people who flirt with others.”. So spare the details of the 4-couple orgy that you led to your 3-way blowjob…it’s just too much for their vanilla sensibilities.

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