( announcer )THIS IS "DEBATE 2004",

WITH YOUR HOST, JIM LEHRER.

WELCOME TO THE CABLE ACCESSTELEVISED DEBATE

BETWEEN A GIANT DOUCHEAND A TURD SANDWICH.

WE'LL START WITHGIANT DOUCHE.

SIR, SOME STUDENTS ANDPARENTS ARE RELUCTANT

TO HAVE A GIANT DOUCHEREPRESENT THEM.

WHAT DO YOU SAYTO THOSE PEOPLE ?

JIM, FIRST OF ALL,I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU

FOR MONITORINGTHIS DEBATE.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK

ALL OF THE STUDENTS ANDTHEIR PARENTS FOR COMING.

OH, SUCK-UP,SUCK-UP !!

SHH ! WHAT, THAT'S ANOBVIOUS SUCK-UP MOVE.

BUT I WOULD HOPE THAT THOSESTUDENTS AND THEIR PARENTS

WHO QUESTION MY QUALITIES

WOULD SIMPLYLOOK AT MY OPPONENT.

HE IS A TURD SANDWICH.

YOU'RE A TURD SANDWICH.

NO, SIR,IF YOU'LL PARDON ME,

YOU ARE, IN FACT,THE TURD SANDWICH.

YOU'RE A TURD SANDWICH !

SIR, YOU AREA TURD SANDWICH.

YOU'RE A TURD SANDWICH !

UH, TURD SANDWICH,

I WILL ASK YOU NOT TOSPEAK OUT OF TURN.

I'M SORRY, JIM.

ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING,

UH, WAIT, I FORGOTWHAT I WAS SAYING.

HA, WHAT A DOUCHE.

ALL RIGHT, TURD SANDWICH,THIS NEXT QUESTION IS FOR YOU.

HOW SHOULDSOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

ENFORCE ITS LAWS OF CONDUCT

FOR YOUNG ATHLETES DURINGSPORTING EVENTS ?

YOU KNOW,

MY OPPONENT WOULDN'T EVEN KNOWTHE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.

IF YOU ASK HIMTHE SAME QUESTION,

HE WOULD NOT ANSWER IT.

HE WOULD STAND AROUND AND JUSTBABBLE ON AND ON ABOUT NOTHING,

UNTIL FINALLY, HE WASSAVED BY THE BUZZER--

( buzzer )

YOUR TIME IS UP, TURD.

STAN, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOUTO MY STEPDAUGHTER, THERESA.