I hate this. I really, really do.

Out of everyone in my life, I never thought Rylie and Devin would turn on me. My parents? Sure, I guess. They’ve done it before.

But not my friends. Never them.

Guess I was wrong.

It all comes back to Devin’s stupid cousin — Again! I’ve meet Julia like once. And she seemed super cool. We got along great… So what the hell have I ever done to her to make her wanna ruin my life?!

New Years was bad enough… But this might be even worse.

She had to open her big, stupid mouth and tell Dev what she heard Simon saying about Erik. What the hell was she doing eavesdropping on that creep’s conversation anyway?

I tried so hard to brush it off, but I’m sure Rylie and Devin didn’t buy it — They totally know about Erik now. They know he’s into a lot more than smoking some weed or popping a few pills. They know he’s into some dangerous stuff. And they know about his scary-as-fuck dealer too.

And yeah, I’ll admit, it sounds pretty bad when I put it like that…

And… Okay, maybe it’d sound bad no matter how I put it.

But the point is, they KNOW Erik. He’s their friend too. They know what he’s like. They know this doesn’t change anything. They made it sound like he’s some kind of dangerous loser junkie. And that’s not him at all! They know that!

And they should know this isn’t any of their business either! They’re turning this into a way bigger deal than it should be.

When did they get so fucking lame? It’s like the world’s turned upside down or something. My parents are being cool with everything, and my best friends are suddenly the two most judgmental people on the planet. What the hell?! It’s like I don’t even know them anymore.

It was already enough of a betrayal when Devin told us he decided to go to uni after all. I just about died when he told us last week. He keeps claiming it was HIS decision. He changed his mind and decided to try art school, supposedly.

Personally, I think he just finally decided to cave and go along with what his parents want. I mean, this is Dev. He’s crazy-smart and really amazing and so, so talented…

But uni? Seriously? What happened to all that stuff he said back when we first met? About hating school? I just don’t get it.

That was already bad enough… But now with this whole stupid thing with Erik, I don’t even know what to think anymore. This is seriously my parents all over again. Totally flip-flopping out of nowhere!

And Rylie too!

I mean, at least she didn’t decide she wants to go to university or something. She’s still planning on taking a year off to go backpacking with her sister… “I wanna see the world before I’m too old and lame to appreciate it,” she says. Typical Rylie, right?

So how the hell is this the same person who’s giving me some bogus lecture about how ‘dangerous’ drugs are?!

I just don’t get it. And it’s stressing me out so fucking bad. I keep waiting for them to try talking to me about it again. Or to confront Erik. Or worse… Tell my parents.

They would never do that, would they?

Ugh! I wish I could say “of course not”… but I can’t!

This is a freaking disaster. It’s like everything in my life’s going wrong or something.

And today, things got worse than ever.

Like I said, I’ve been more stressed than ever lately, thanks to this mess with Rylie and Devin.

And at first, I tried turning some of that negative energy into something positive… Like more work on my story. I’ve kinda been neglecting it lately, and I wanted to get back to it. But it wasn’t really enough to make me feel better. I knew I had to try something else.

I really wish I could try talking to Erik about it. Like, get it off my chest and stuff. He always knows just what to say to make me feel better. But I couldn’t tell him about this. The last thing I want is for him to worry right now. He’s already got enough on his mind with Simon still hounding him for money..

He’s been trying to cut back a little on how much he’s using… But Erik still needs a fix every couple days or it really starts messing with him. He gets all mopey and weird and tired all the time. He even starts getting a temper… And Erik’s NEVER angry. He’s the sweetest guy I know.

I hate the fact that he’s so dependent on that shit… But I hate what it does to him when he ISN’T doing it even more.

So yeah… He’s not exactly in a great place right now. I can’t really confide in him about any of this.

But he still gives me plenty of ways to help me keep my mind off things…

Being with him is amazing. I love it. I love him.

But honestly, even that isn’t enough to make all the stress go away. Not completely, at least.

So I’ve been turning to the only thing that really works.

And it’s definitely been helping more than anything else has… But it’s still not perfect.

It all keeps catching up to me eventually, no matter what I do.

I keep thinking about everything that’s going on with Erik, and the drugs, and my parents, and my friends, and I just feel so stressed out again!

And then I think about the stealing and I start to feel kinda guilty about it. And that just makes me MORE stressed, so I end up taking more stuff and…

Well, you get the idea.

Today was another really bad one. I spent all day worrying about stupid shit.

My birthday’s in a couple weeks, and I’m super excited about it, obviously. But I’m really nervous too.

See, Erik told me last night that we’d do something special at his place to celebrate, and he says I should invite Rylie and Devin too.

And I want them there… I mean, it’s my birthday! But I just keep thinking about what they said the other day. Like, what would happen if they say something about what Julia told them? Or what if they figure out I lied to them? What if they put Erik on the spot or something?

There’s just so much that could go wrong, y’know?

I spent most of the day stressing out about it, so I headed to the mall after school this afternoon to try and blow off some steam.

But I was way too careless. I’m such an idiot… I ended up setting off the alarm. I didn’t think some stupid pair of sunglasses would actually have a sensor on them, but I guess they did.

The employee behind the counter went up to me, obviously… And so did a mall security guard who happened to be walking by. It was humiliating. And pretty damn scary too!

But to be honest… That just made the rush of getting away with it so much better.

Thankfully my hearing aid trick worked like a charm, and they let me go. Didn’t make me empty my pockets or open my jacket or anything. And I figured I was in the clear.

I waited til they’d walked away before I let my guard down. I pulled out the sunglasses and took a few seconds to kinda relish in that high…

And that was when I saw her, out of the corner of my eye…

Nyla.

She didn’t say a word to me. She just kinda stared.

How long had she been watching me? What did she see?

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about already.