Today's Lineups:

Home Team

Shadious Beavertown (ShadyBeaver)

Thoran Stonecrusher (HarryGoLucky)

Bernard Westmayne (DynamiteShovel)

Xeaon Ravenwood (Xeaon)

Unavailable

Kilgan Fireheart V (Vilhjalmir) - Busy

Away Team

Dungeon Master (jptoc)

A Shitload of Goblins (AShitLoadOfGoblins)

Unavailable

Goblin (AShitloadOfGoblins) - Rope Arrow

(Where we left off)

Shadious Beavertown had just infiltrated a cave filled with Goblins. After several failed attempts he finally managed to kill the Goblin Lookout that stood in his path. Unfortunately, the Goblin seems to have managed to alert its kin to the incoming threat before it died.

Will the Party survive this next cave? Will they go back for their wagon? Am I just filling time with this intro? Find out in the next episode of CasualUK DnD!

* * *

0 - AND WE'RE OFF!

6 - Shadious takes a peek into the Wolf room and sees some Wolves.

7 - Thoran crushes his glass axe into pieces and throws them deeper into the cave in an attempt to hear if it 'smacks any shit'. It doesn't.

12 - Always Wizard/Never Warlock Xeaon lights up Westmayne's lantern with a quick spell and illuminates the cave they're in.

14 - Turns out Shadious' actions have awakened something. It roared and there's water pouring down from above!

15 - Everyone tries to avoid the sudden rush. Everyone fails. Womp womp.

18 - The Party are washed out of the cave. Kilgan is washed into a seperate dimension.

19 - The Party just charge straight back into the cave, ignoring the sudden loss of Kilgan.

22 - They reach a hill inside the cave. Thoran's looking for a bit of Dwarf Tossing and Shadious is about to be thrown.

23 - Beavertown hits the bridge dead on, destroying a portion of it before falling back into the stream below. Shadious will remember that.

26 - Bernard chooses to climb the hill instead of AirThoran. He walks up, steps on a stone and then comes crashing back down with half of the hill. The hills now blocked off.

28 - Now they're turning to the Wizard (Not Warlock) who has a spell that allows the Party to jump higher.

30 - While AirThoran considers his jump, Shadious sneaks deeper into the cave just a second wall of water comes crashing towards him.

31 - Harry fucking tanks the water, standing his ground.

32 - Bernard stands strong and watches as Beavertown and Xeaon are flushed out of the cave.

33 - The Party have given up for now and it's time to rest. Bernard goes for a quick wash and they decide to alternate guarding the cave.

36 - The Wolves finish their meal of Goblin flesh and growl away at Thoran who stands on guard for the first watch.

36 - Xeaon catches the sound of some 'horrible horrible speaking' from just inside the cave, and there's the sound of things being thrown into the Wolf Cave.

37 - Some footsteps are heard and a bit of cackling, but the second hour on our WIZARD's watch passes without incident.

38 - More footsteps come down the path as Bernard keeps watch. Two Goblins exit the cave and Bernard manages to avoid their attentions. However they move off and begin to search the grounds.

41 - Bernard wakes up the party. They're pissed off about being woken up so early, but Bernard's shitting a brick, so they know they need to get up.

43 - The Party decide to get the jump on them, and Bernard considers reasoning with them despite not speaking Goblin. He second guesses that decision and instead just trains his crossbow on them.

44 - WHAT A SHOT! Xeaon says fuck this stealth shit and just unleashes a Fireball at one of the Goblins. The 'Fumbling Wizard' unleashes hell on the nearest Goblin. Not a morning person it seems.

46 - WHAT A HIT! Thoran throws his Javelin at the second goblins. It goes straight through its stomach and pins it to the ground.

49 - Beavertown fires an arrow from the bushes. It smacks the Goblin's hand, which smashes the Goblin's scimitar straight into its master's head. Shadious talks some shit afterwards. Classic Beavertown.

50 - Thoran steals the scimitar.

53 - Thoran chops up the burned Goblin so he can feed it to the Wolves, and the other Goblin is thrown into the stream. It'll be joining Kilgan soon enough.

54 - Bernard's written the Tale of the Burning Goblin. It tells the tale of how Westmayne was such a brave brave boy in dealing with those pesky Goblins.

56 - Thoran throws the Goblin meat into the Wolves.

57 - Beavertown takes a gander in the cave and spots a small opening in the cave. Thoran wants to throw some fire at the Wolves, but the Party remind him about the wall of water and think twice.

60 - Beavertown sneaks off, but Xeaon's not having that. He casts light on the Rogue. Turns out the Goblins are blind though and they miss the walking lantern.

61 - Harry goes for a round with the hill.

61 - AND STILL YOUR REIGNING AND DEFENDING KING OF THE HILL CHAMPION! HILL!

63 - Xeaon has decided to take on the hill.

63 - Hill 3 - 0 Party

64 - The Goblins have decided to come to the hill's aid and they pop up at the top and try to shoot Thoran and Xeaon with arrows.

64 - Shadious and Bernard walk up the bridge and spot a lone Goblin ahead. Shadious plunges his rapier into the chest of a Goblin. The Goblin takes a hit and starts screaming which echoes throughout the cave.

67 - One of the Hill Goblins fires down at Thoran and managed to pierces the arm, putting an early end to AirThoran.

67 - The second Goblin misses Xeaon.

68 - The Goblin that Beavertown stabbed runs off just as two more come running in. One swings their scimitar at Shadious, but misses completely, clattering his sword off the wall.

70 - Beavertown makes a light retreat, putting a wall and a Bernard in between himself and the Oncoming Goblins.

72 - A bit of quick thinking on Xeaon's part as he uses the deceased Goblin's legs and fat to unleash a Grease spell on the two Hill Goblins.

73 - The Goblins both fall down the hill.

73 - Hill 5 - 0 World. WHO'S NEXT!?

74 - Bernard unleases Vicious Mockery on the first Oncoming Goblin. Bernard's yell of 'dickhead' gives one of the Goblins flashbacks to an abusive father. It then trips up and clatters its head off a rock.

76 - Thoran throws another javelin and spears the first Hill Goblin, sending him straight into the second Hill Goblin, taking that one too. Goblin shish kebab.

78 - Beavertown's stabbing victim returns with two mates. The hill spots a Goblin Leader and a regular unimportant Goblin and eagerly awaits two new wins.

79 - Stabbed Goblin's Friend fires off an arrow at Beavertown, piercing him straight through the chest.

81 - Beavs starts shouting up at the Goblins in Goblin and informs them that he's currently on a mission for the Goblins! They apologise profusely and agree to escort the Party to their goal.

83 - Shadious starts flashing the signet on his ring at the Goblins, reminding them that depite the arrow that's currently lodged in his chest, he's running the fucking show.

85 - Xeaon casts Mage Armour on himself and walks up behind Beavertown, who continues to flash his ring.

86 - Bernard casts a spell and heals Beavertown.

87 - Harry throws more glass shards at a wall.

89 - Bernard leaves for a moment and the Party immediarely discuss robbing him.

90 - The Goblins start arguing about the Party and their goals. In the melee, a Goblin takes a big hit and dies.

92 - The Party enter the Cave of Klarg!

95 - The Hill Goblins makes a move forward. The Leader is taken down by the hill and lands in Harry's glass.

95 - Hill 6-0 World. The Streak will never be broken.

96 - Klarg the Bugbear and Ripper the Wolf stand in the middle of Klarg Cave along with treasure chests and supplies stolen from a nearby cave.

97 - Shadious hails Klarg. Klarg backhands a goblin.

98 - Shadious jumps into a long introduction which is mostly about his name. Klarg begins to unbuckle his morningstar.

99 - Thoran attempts to intimidate Klarg to giving him half of the goods that were stolen. Klarg isn't about to deal with this shit and unbuckles his morningstar. He walks up to Thoran and they square up.

101 - Shadious pushes the two apart and tells Klarg that Thoran's a bit of a dick, so he should just ignore him.

102 - Bernard tries to negotiate a 30/70 split on the goods.

103 - Shadious interrupts and tells Klarg that they're not here to negotiate. Shadious' daddy has an army and if Klarg doesn't give them the information the Party need, Shadious is going to tell on Klarg.

104 - Klarg couldn't give a shit about Papa Beavertown or the Beavertown army. He wants to make a throne of the Party's bones. Throw fucking hands.

105 - Glass feet Goblin tries to push forward, taking damage as he goes.

105 - Glass feet's friend tries to jump over the broken bridge. HE DOES IT!

106 - Thoran throws a javelin at Klarg which smashes into his foot.

108 - Bernard tries to make it 1/4 on wolf related animal handlings. RIPPER HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON THE GOBLIN UNIVERSE!

109 - Xeaon fires a fireball at Klarg, searing some armour off his chest.

111 - Shadious tries to monkey flip on one of Klarg's minions.

112 - WHAT A MOVE! Shadious monkey flips a goblin down into the wolf enclosure below. Ripper's mates end its life.

113 - Shadious tries to chat shit, but Klarg just tells him to fuck off. Bone Throne is a go.

114 - Ripper tears into Klarg's arm and almost rips it off.

115 - Bridge Jumper comes forward and fires an arrow off at Thoran, dealing a fair bit of damage.

116 - The two Goblins who were overwatching the Wolves are shitting themselves because they want nothing to do with Ripper. They run for their lives.

117 - Klarg is infuriated by Ripper and tries to attack, but NO! Ripper is unscathed!

118 - Thoran swings his scimitar at Klarg and finishes the job Ripper started by hacking off the left arm!

119 - Bernard unleashes a minor illusion behind the Goblins that are still rushing in to save Klarg. They're shocked and turn around.

121 - Xeaon tries to blast Klarg but misses and destroys some of the loot behind him.

123 - Shadious tries to Hurricanrana Klarg, but he gets thrown to the side by the stump. Fucking yes, Klarg!

124 - Ripper tries to rip Klarg's right arm off, but Klarg just elbows it.

125 - Klarg charges at Xeaon, screaming about his Bone Throne. He misses, crashing his morningstar off the wall behind the definite wizard, damaging his own shit.

126 - Thoran throws his javelin at Klarg, but misses badly. Xeaon sees this coming from a mile away and ducks out of the way. He shows Stonecrusher the middle finger.

128 - Westmayne fires his arrow at Klarg, but it does nothing. Klarg talks shit afterwards. Classic Klarg.

130 - Xeaon fires another fireball at Klarg, singing his hair.

132 - Shadious stabs at Klarg with his rapier, piercing through his heart. Klarg falls into the fire and then Ripper tucks in.

133 - The Goblins all flee. The Goblin Leader forgets that he has glass in his feet and then collapses due to blood loss.

134 - The Party pick up 250 Gold pieces.

138 - Bernard Westmayne officially adopts Ripper the Wolf.

139 - Shadious leaves the party behind and jumps over the bridge.

140 - He arrives in a new part of the cave, where the Goblins have a weakened human kept hostage. He's beat within an inch of his life. Turns out he's one of the men that owned the horses that the Party found earlier.

141 - Shadious Beavertown of Beavertown (They're pronounced differently. Don't ask.) speaks to his new friend and then agrees to help him out of the cave.

142 - Bernard grabs Klarg's three javelins and then leaves the fallen Bugbear to burn.

144 - Shadious shit talks the former captive, who then goes on to talk exposition. There's a lot here, so I'm going going to round it up to Dwarves good. Orcs bad. 'The Black Spider' seems to be calling some of the shots here, to whom Klarg has sent a map along with the other chaps you're looking for.

148 - Thoran goes with the new friend to the location they just came from and THE WAGON IS OFFICIALLY BACK!