For approximately the 6,000th time in the history of the world, nothing interesting happened today. Observers from the Time Studies and History Lab at Los Alamos have remained stationed at key positions worldwide to provide proof of even the slightest occurrence, but were once again left empty-handed.

“It’s really weird, a natural phenomenon equal to the duality of the nature of light, or Hitler becoming president.” explained Joe Dorfman of the Los Alamos lab. “Statistically it is impossible that at some point there has not been a battle, a discovery, a birth of a great person, or anything else. April 1st is just the most boring day known to exist, but we cannot explain why.”

Several theories exist for the phenomenon of course,the leading one being that April 1st is God’s birthday and he just wants the day off. While scientists agree that the ‘Birthday Hypothesis’ makes the most sense, others think there may be a more otherworldly entity at work.

“We believe that there is a force in the universe, a great creator, and it is his birthday, not God’s,” says Rob Markman, a known purveyor of profound bullshit. “We will probably figure it out one day, and that day will probably not be April 1st. That would be way too ironic, eh?”