How long till Alli stops giving me Anal Leakage?

So yeah, I try this new Alli diet pill, it says something like if I eat bad too much to watch out for the side effects, my GOD what side effects! They should put that in big bold letters on the box! "WARNING! If you buy this product and you can't eat like a Rabbit every day, invest in black underwear and expect to do your own laundry to help with the embarrassment.

Imagine my surprise when I was like," you know I been good all week, I think I will eat a nice greasy slice of Pizza!" Had I known that the next time I pulled my underwear down I was going to get a big surprise I would have changed my mind. I mean here I am pulling down my tighty whities when I see this big orange wet spot on the back. It's scared me I thought I was dying, good thing I didn't call 911, could you imagine that embarrassing call?

"Hello 911 Emergency"

"Yes, send an ambulance, I think I am dying"

"What's the matter sir?"

"There's greasy orange substance leaking out of my poop chute!"

"very funny sir, did you know it is a felony to prank call emergency services?"

*click*

What scares me too was the orange spotting in the water, it's like you threw a KFC drum stick in the toilet and all the grease came up to the surface! Though since the toilet spots are a darker orange and this happened in a dimly lit bathroom it looked more like blood, I thought I was the first guy to ever get his period. I don't think I could handle that, I would be scared if I had an urge to watch Oxygen and Lifetime, and laugh at female comedians who do nothing but complain about how much men suck. I can't even fart in the bathtub without doing an impression of the Exxon Valdez, I swear I can hear baby seals crying.

What where the drug makers thinking when they made this?

Doctor, "Hey guys I have a great Idea to get people to lose weight and to cut back on STD's!"

"How!"

"We'll invent a pill that when you eat bad (and most will) will cause embarrassing side effects, they won't even be able to pass wind without soiling their selves, so therefore it will entice them to eat right!"

"How will it solve STD's?"

"Do you Seriously think anyone taking this stuff and getting orange anal leakage is going to get laid?"

*round of applause*

The only positive aspect of this whole ordeal is that I spend a lot less time on the toilet (that would have made my x g/f happy) . I use to spend like a half an hour in there, I would sit back read or play a gameboy it was my quiet time. But now thanks to greasy orange lubrication I launch my missiles faster than a Parkinson's suffering dictator with his fingers on the launch button. You can rest assure if WW3 ever happened we would be safe in the waters because I am pretty sure if I stuck my bum underwater I could shoot down anything with the velocity of my anal projectiles. Gives a whole new meaning of silent but deadly I tell you that.

Speaking of that, I was on a date the other night, and I hadn't taken the pill for a couple of days so I thought I was safe. So here I am in a nice restaurant, my date gets up to run to the rest room when the urge to pass wind comes upon me. Thinking it's been long enough that I haven't been on the pill I could get away with the one cheek sneak. I knew instantly it felt wet, I was like oh my god, this feels gross, like I blew my nose in my pants! Well she gets back and I pay, we get up and head to the local comedy club, the second phase of our date. Soon as we get seated I excuse myself to go the restroom, I try not to take a long time because if a guy is gone longer than 5 minutes the woman knows what is going on. So I get in the stall and pull down my pants, it looked like I was smuggling a melted Hershey bar, it was so gross, I never in my life ever done this since I was winged off breast milk, especially on a date! So here I am with my pants around my ankles debating what I want to do, I could throw out my underwear and go commando but underwear is so expensive these days, this was my good pair, you know the kind you reserve for dates in case you go all the way. Now here I am probably the only guy in the club praying he doesn't get lucky tonight. So I look in my pants too and I notice that it had soaked through my underwear and got in my pants! The last thing I need is a brown racing stripe in the back of my blue jeans. So since the public restroom was not the single stall kind where I can locked the door, washing my shorts in the sink was not going to fly, so I did the next best thing and like a 500 pound guy after eating taco bell I grabbed a hand full of toilet paper and started cleaning house. After 10 minutes, no more toilet paper, a clogged toilet, and a soon to be ticked off janitor, I wash my hands and head to my table to finish out my date having a good time. During the performance one of the comedians does a hilarious joke about tossing the salad and I am thinking to myself, I wish I had a salad in my pants, right now it's more like mushroom soup! Needless to say that night I didn't put any moves on her at all so she either thinks I am a gentleman or gay, either way I might have actually scored some Brownie points, oh god why did I say Brownie. So yeah, I ended up all alone, and the first thing I did was take a shower, I am so glad I recently instead the detachable showerhead and have excellent water pressure. I hope the stain comes out of my pants and my shorts! If not I am going to buy a new pair at Wally World and take the stained ones back and tell them the old pair didn't fit and hope they don't unfold them.

I swear to GOD the above paragraph is a true story I am not making it up!

So to put everything in a simple aspect, spending 60 dollars to cause embarrassing side effects is not worth losing 5 extra pounds, I will stick to diet and exercise. Well I better stop now, I have to head to the store to buy a bag of depends...