Today’s papers all report, with varying degrees of prominence and glee, this “story”:

But which internationally-regarded rankings are these, exactly?

The Express calls them a “global prosperity league”:

The Herald goes with “wellbeing league table”:

And the Scotsman mixes and matches with “global table of wellbeing”:

The most minimal coverage appears in the Daily Record, in a piece which must surely mark the only appearance in recorded history of the words “honest assessment” next to the words “Jackie Baillie”:

But the tabloid’s admirably concise report reveals the reality that the “study” is in fact just the work of a single person, produced entirely off his own bat rather than for or representing any organisation, and that person is long-time serial Nat-basher and ex-UK government civil servant John McLaren.

(The last time we encountered former Scottish Labour policy adviser and member Mr McLaren, we noted that him slagging off the SNP was a shocking revelation on a par with the Pope being revealed as a Catholic or the sea containing large amounts of a wet salty substance.)

We’re expecting a lot of column inches tomorrow for our new independent report which will controversially announce that Aberdeen are the world’s best football team and all the coolest people on Earth live in Bath. Get up early before the newsagents are all sold out, folks.