Toddlers are the most fun, and they make you the most miserable. I know this with absolute certainty; because I am a mom with toddlers. Many of you already know that I have four kids; our oldest is 6, our ‘middle’ daughter is turning 4 on St. Patrick’s Day and our twins will turn 1 in less than two weeks. So I know what toddler-hood looks like. My husband and I are well outnumbered and very appreciative to grandparents who love these babies so much they beg for them to come over and spend the night and spend a few hours at their house so we can have some time to ourselves (LOVE THEM). Toddlers are wonderful, and weekends are wonderful. But together, toddlers and weekends are like oil and water. It’s bittersweet really, because you know that you’re looking forward to two days of relaxation and rest, but you know it’s never really going to happen because your toddler is going to tie a jump rope around the twins’ necks and walk them like dogs (oh wait – that was Monday) or she’s going to open the fridge and let the babies have a bottle of hot sauce and then get really mad at them when they break it and then make a mess – like it’s their fault (that was Sunday). This stuff happens – a lot in our house. Our daughter is about out of the toddler stage, but let me tell you that if you take a second to use the bathroom, she will mass destruct your life. Weekends are a special kind of fun these days. And we have a long list of other ways yours will ruin your weekend.

Toddlers Wake Up Early

When you want them up and ready to catch a flight or go to school during the week at 6 am, forget it. They want to sleep until 9. But the second it’s Saturday and you’re tired from that Scandal marathon on Netflix that lasted so much longer than it should have Friday night, they’re up at 5 demanding pancakes.

Toddlers Want to go to Bed Early

It’s Saturday night and you and all your friends and their kids want to get together, sit outside around the fire pit and pool while the kids play and someone grills something delicious, but your kids suddenly want to go to bed at a decent hour and begin acting like animals.

Toddlers Will Cry When you Get a Sitter

You have a free evening in which you get to go to dinner. Perhaps it’s your birthday or your anniversary and you want to celebrate with a nice dinner, a bottle of wine and a place that doesn’t really like kids (because for the next three hours – neither do you). Suddenly, however, your kids hate grandma and grandpa and scream and cry and beg you not to leave. And then there is the guilt. You leave anyway, but you feel bad about it all night long (cue the second bottle of wine).

Toddlers Will Forget to Use the Bathroom

It’s weekend, so naturally your toddlers are going to forget that they are potty-trained while in the middle of the only room in your house without hardwood floors. They’re going to do something really gross in their pants and you’re already going to be late for whatever, and guess what? You have to stop, clean it up and then feel like a wreck all day long because you’re later, harried and rushed.

Toddlers Will Have a Public Accident

It will happen. She’s going to look at you, smile and say, “Oops. I forgot to go to the bathroom. But don’t worry, it’s not pee,” while you’re in the middle of the supermarket. Or Disney World. And that’s even more fun than cleaning that kind of mess up in the privacy of your own home. Have fun with that one, parents.

Toddlers Will Want to Use a Public Restroom

This might be even worse than anything else in the world because your kids aren’t going to ask to use the bathroom in the Saks women’s lounge. They’re going to wait until you’re on the way home and have to pee RIGHT NOW and the only option is going to be that really scary gas station that looks like the one from that episode of CSI you just watched.

The Free Cookie is Not as Good as a Balloon, M&Ms and Everything Else

Look, my kids know that the free cookie is not as good as the big one in the glass with the M&Ms baked into it, so I buy those for them to keep them quiet (what…they’re huge and last the entire store). But then they will want a balloon, and a toy, and Elsa and Anna gummies, and everything else they see. And even if they don’t have a fit every time you say no, you’ll be so tired of saying no that you’ll want to run away from home.

They’ll Probably Find a Marker and Use it to Make Graffiti Art

Oh yes, this happens. This especially happens when you have older kids and toddlers since older kids don’t care if they left a crayon somewhere you can’t see but the toddlers can easily see. Also, toddlers love art and they love to make it on walls and doors and furniture. But on a good note, it’s better than when they choose to use the contents of their diaper to make you a picture. So there is that.

They’ll Refuse to Wear that Cute Outfit to Church

You set out everything the night before church so that for once in your life you’re not running late and stressed and in need of Jesus more than ever come Sunday morning. You’re on top of it. You rock, mama. Your kids picked out clothes you like, you put them out, and you ask them to get dressed on Sunday morning. And they hate what you want them to wear that they picked out 12 hours ago and refuse to wear it. And now you’re mad, they’re mad, they don’t want to go to church and everyone is angry and filled with rage.

Nap Time Can’t be Skipped Today

There’s always that one Saturday or Sunday you have big plans and you’re letting go of the schedule to attend that special birthday party. Nap time can occasionally be skipped and no one dies from it, especially when you’re doing something fun. But not today; no, friends, not today. Today, your kid needs a nap more than a working girl needs to go to the OBGYN. Because that is life with toddlers.

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