It’s not Jamie Oliver who’s gone bust, it’s his restaurant chain which has gone bust, It’s not Jamie Oliver who’s lost his job, it’s the 1,000 or so people who worked at his chain of restaurants who have lost their jobs. The collapse of Oliver’s restaurant chain might tarnish his image somewhat but I’m sure it won’t be long before the celebrity chef is back on our television screens pouncing around telling us how best to cook whatever, I mean Jamie’s by no means the first celebrity chef to have had a restaurant or restaurant in their name go bankrupt, even the likes of fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey fucking fuck has had restaurants he’s opened go bust.

Jamie Oliver

I’m really not au fait with the whole foodie slash celebrity chef culture, my food philosophy is whatever is cheap & filling is good enough, sorry I’m nowhere near middle-class enough to be able to afford the luxury of being a snooty foodie, unfortunately my girlfriend seems to have the pretence of being a foodie though I’d suggest to her she first needs to learn how to boil an egg. To be blunt the whole middle-class foodie culture & the celebrity chefs encouraging it seriously gets up my fucking nose big time!

Jamie Oliver is in fact one of the celebrity chefs I find least offensive, as for fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey well he’s a total & utter cunt, not just because prior to training to be a chef he played football for Rangers & I’m die hard Celtic supporter, but because he generally treats people like utter shite by screaming & shouting abuse at them & in the past physically assaulting people employed in the kitchens of his restaurants, oh then there’s Michel Roux Jr who I very much like to kidnap & force him to eat a mega load of Pot Noodles followed by bargain bucket from KFC in response to him having a dig at people on the BBC’s Food & Drink Show for eating premade frozen lasagnes, hey Roux Jr you snobby fuckwod not everybody has a Michelin Star standard kitchen in their abode nor do they have time, energy or skill to be cooking a lasagne from fucking scratch when they’ve got home after slogging their arses off working.

So during an era of Tory austerity, when many elderly people during wintertime have had to choose between heating or eating, when the lowest paid are increasing reliant on food banks (including on at least one occasion myself), when there are children suffering from malnutrition in this country, the BBC think it’s a great idea to be producing a reality television show where chefs cooking pouncy food have a desire to cook food which is even more fucking pouncy! Your chocolate fondant isn’t gooey enough in the centre thus its shit, your souffle isn’t good enough as it hasn’t risen to the precise milometer it ought to have, your roast chicken is slightly overdone, hey snooty Masterchef judges if the roast chicken ain’t red when you carve it open then its edible so shut the fuck up & be thankful you’ve the privilege of having food in front of you to eat because there are many people in this country who are struggling to afford to put food on the table.

Gregg Wallace

Jamie Oliver might have the greatest business acumen but unlike Michel Roux Jr at least he’s never presented Masterchef: The Professionals. When Sean Pertwee was young & followed his father Jon into acting, I bet he had ambitions as an actor to be like his father & play Dr Who, not ending up providing the voiceover for Masterchef The fucking Professionals! As with the main Masterchef series, Gregg Wallace is a judge on the spin off Masterchef: The Professionals & as with the main Masterchef series when Gregg Wallace likes a contestant’s dish he can’t contain his excitement, I’m surprised that Gregg’s potato like noggin hasn’t literally exploded when he’s seriously gotten over excitable, actually I wonder if his head did explode would Heston Blumenthal come along & make an ice cream out of his brain matter because you just know some foodie fashioner fuckwit would want to herald gourmet cannibalism as the next foodie fad, though of course the food critics would no doubt say it wasn’t enough of radical enough departure from current food trends.

If celebrity chefs aren’t bad enough then there’s the food critics, Jay Rayner, Charles Campion, Kate Spicer & the rest, all of whom I’d gladly have parachuted into some refugee camp caused by some forsaken war nobody gives a shit about despite foreign policy of our government probably having something to do with that war starting in the first place & have them complain about the food rations being provided by the relief agencies being too over seasoned.

I know some people will accuse me of being jealous of never being able to afford to eat at any top restaurant, ah but you’d be wrong to assume I’ve never eaten at any top Michelin Starred restaurant, I was taken for my 40th birthday to The Gilbert Scott near St Pancras station which is run by Marcus Wareing who replaced Michel Roux Jr on Masterchef: The Professionals, being as I downed half a bottle of bourbon even before I sat down to dine along with 4 bottles of South African chardonnay whilst I dined, I really don’t remember much about the food served & to this day still can’t figure out how the fuck I got home, all I do recall about the food was the chips were nice but everything else was overrated & I’d have preferred a gut buster breakfast at my local greasy spoon café.