Luckily we live in a world today, where the issue of mental health is gaining ever more publicity and for the first time, people are starting to be treated with the respect they deserve surrounding their mental health. Mental health, even for those sympathetic to it, is often seen as a weakness. People will say, “I’m lucky, because I’m mentally strong/stable” and of course, there’s no malice involved. But this statement in itself carries just that implication. You are weak, you are inferior, but that doesn’t have to be the case.

It’s attitudes such as these, which caused me such an issue. I don’t feel mentally weak and that’s not a desirable trait to have. How would I describe mental illness? It’s a part of me that can make me irrational and is sometimes overbearing in the darkest of ways. Yet when I learn to use it to my advantage, it can be a strength.

I remember as a sixteen year old trying to open up to people about my mental health. “We’re teenagers” they would say, “it’s just a phase”. Six long years down the line and I’ve only just begun to accept that actually, it wasn’t a phase. I was feeling down and that is entirely okay. The problem with suppressing those thoughts for so long is they become entrenched and they change you.

Now I find myself writing this in my second year at university. This suppression has enabled some incredible things. Whilst poor mental health can often carry symptoms such as a loss of passion and drive, I had a different experience. My poor mental health has often been rooted in social anxiousness (which many wouldn’t recognise, including myself) and a feeling of being a misfit. What better way to mask a social insecurity and short-fall, by creating a professional facade to hide behind? Sure I don’t easily make friends with people or even carry a desire to, and have been virtually single since I reached an age where I would define myself as so, but have you seen how well my writing is going?

That’s the truth of my reality for the last few years, hiding behind professional “success” whilst neglecting pretty much every other aspect of myself. But now that I’ve sought help with my mental health, my outlook is of course slowly gaining a more positive streak and I’m left with some incredible memories and experiences. When I started writing about rugby I was working as an assistant in a school in Spain, unsure what I wanted to do with my life. Two years down the line and I’m studying a Spanish degree at Swansea University, and enjoying new experiences every week. I am currently preparing to go and work and live in Chile for a year, whilst last week I was interviewing an international rugby player and filming a documentary. The last few years were filled with dark moments, moments which still persist today. But this ‘weakness’ of mine.. It has helped me in the strangest of ways so far and has left me with a genuine sense of pride and excitement for what’s to come.

On the other hand, my mental health is also the source of a lot of angst and what I feel at times, to be a wasted epoch of my life. Some of the best days of my life are characterised by drinking, like they are for many. However, I drank to forget the things that got me down, things which to most would look entirely jovial, no cause for concern. It’s true that I’ve lived a fairly fortunate life and have been blessed with friends, family and a wealth of opportunities. The other reason for drink is because people talk. People get emotional and show insecurity that I have felt, but never seen in others.

If you are perpetually happy, are you in denial of reality? Are you really pushing yourself and your expectation of others if you wilfully accept the world as it is? The theory is named depressive realism; the idea that depressed people are actually just seeing reality clearer than those who are constantly happy. Although I do not think that this is entirely true, I do think it holds some merit. By down playing my own hard work and seeing things as a fluke, it means that I have rarely been happy with my work and have pushed myself to be better. The relative success of this blog alone could all be a fluke, but I also know that I have changed things and invested time into working out what I think works best and a positive mind says I must be doing something right.

Rugby used to be my outlet and a support network and this is the next step for me. Exercise is important, but the community feel of Sports are just as key in my opinion, whether that’s through coaching, playing, writing or working behind the bar in the clubs.

Ultimately, it’s okay not to feel okay. Not feeling okay can lead to great things, even if that’s not entirely obvious. I am lucky to have a strong support network around me and as I write this, the future genuinely excites me for the first time in a long time, but it has taken a lot of support and a lot to go right for me to get here.

Thanks for taking the time to read- that’s the first time I’ve publicly shared anything like this. Please share, comment, hopefully it’s interesting or useful to somebody.

The Scribbler, 9th May, 2018

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