Maggie Gyllenhal has a new movie coming out about the origins of the vibrator, so to celebrate, here’s a little post about the origins of things you stick in your wazoo.

The first documented use of sex toys dates back to about 500BC in ancient Greece, when Miletan traders sold leather, wood and stone dildos called olisbos to single women around the Mediterranean.

“This one? Nope. How about this one? No. No, no, no. None of these will do. I need a bigger bucket of dildos.”

In Italy they were called dilettos, meaning ‘to delight’. And delightful they are, too, to this very day. This is probably the etymology of the word ‘dildo’. Roman soldiers gave them to their wives as they headed off to war and Roman women carried around carved wooden phalluses to honour the goddess of fertility, Bona Dea. Roman men would carry phallic amulets called fascinum in homage to the god Fascinus. This is where we get the word “fascinate” from. Because there are few things more fascinating than an erect cock. Aren’t words fun?

The first rubber dildos appeared in about 1850. Throughout the 19th century the most common ‘disorder’ ascribed to women was hysteria. It was thought to be a disorder of the womb, with the word stemming from the greek for ‘womb’ – hystera. Symptoms included excitability, giddiness, irritability, “pelvic heaviness” and vaginal lubrication. Ye gods, I’m hysterical just writing this. The cure was for a doctor to administer a genital massage to induce hysterical paroxysm, which is an excellent $5 phrase meaning “orgasm”. If ever there was a better premise for a historical medical porno, I’d like to hear it.

It was estimated that about 3/4 of women suffered from hysteria and the cure was obviously impermanent. The disorder was considered genuinely medical. When doctors got tired of wanking off their patients, a midwife would take over.

I’d like to make a little aside here and point out that before we point and laugh at the silly victorians, women’s sexuality still isn’t taken entirely seriously, being either pathologised (nymphomania’s a word everyone knows. Do you know the male equivalent? Thought not. It’s satyriasis.) or vilified (slut-shaming). Ok, aside over. Back to facts!

In 1869 Dr. George Taylor got bored of vagina-fiddling-induced carpal tunnel and invented the world’s first steam-powered vibrator.

Steampunk porn at its finest.

By the 1890s many electrical versions were on the market, available for home treatment, even being sold in the Sear’s catalogue. The use of vibrators in pornos in the 1920s lead to their discreditation for decades to come.

It wasn’t till 1952 that the American Psychiatric Association dropped the term ‘hysteria’ from the books.

So remember, the next time someone you know gets hysterical, it’s not their face you have to slap…