NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots. “Despite being a long accepted practice among team owners, the MLB executive board has determined that it is unethical and dangerous to perform the invasive act of removing a mascot’s genitals,” said Manfred, responding to public outcry over what many consider to be a cruel surgery, which teams claim makes mascots docile, easy to train, and prevents them from attacking fans. “Mascots are subjected to this gelding as early as their first season with a team, and sadly the procedure is often done without the use of anesthetics. While we need to ensure that mascots can live in close proximity to humans, we believe alternatives like hormone treatments can achieve the same result without resorting to the brutal mutilation of a mascot’s sexual organs.” Manfred expressed hope that the ban would eliminate the last link between the MLB and the horrific early 20th-century practice of using sterilization to remove “inferior” mascots from the gene pool.

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