Lace Gentlemen's Club in Wayne calls itself a restaurant, so we tried the food

Esther Davidowitz | NorthJersey

Show Caption Hide Caption Stormy Daniels answers Columbus police's questions after her arrest at Ohio strip club Stormy Daniels is interviewed following her arrest at an Ohio strip club. Charges against her were later dropped.

"Who's hungry?" Lace Gentlemen's Club and Restaurant asks on its website. The answer apparently is . . . no one.

At least not any of the handful of mostly middle-aged, mostly bored-looking men who were gathered around the long U-shaped bar of this strip club the night I visited it. (Yes, the patrons were all men.) I guess they hadn't come to Lace to dine.

I, however, was there to do precisely that.

But first let me explain.

I normally don't go to strip clubs — to dine or for the entertainment. I don't go to pool halls either. I don't even go to fast-food joints. I'm just not that kind of girl.

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But I am the food editor and occasional restaurant critic for The Record and NorthJersey.com and a sea of men (and women) are expected to pack into Lace on August 9 when Stormy Daniels, the adult film star who allegedly was paid hush money for having some hanky-panky with our president, is scheduled to perform as part of her "Making America Horny Again" tour. They're going to need to eat, right? This, dear reader, is what a newspaper is all about: serving the community.

Consider this a true readers' service piece.

Along with my two dining companions, one of whom was my husband (without any prodding, bless his heart, he volunteered to come along), I took a seat at the bar. (My other companion was a work colleague.) The maitre'd, a burly man in a black T-shirt, had recommended the bar 'cause "the girls" perform on the stage right behind it.

"But I want to eat," I told him.

"You can do that at the bar," he said.

Not easily.

Getting a drink — a cinch. We didn't wait long for the bartender, the only female employee I witnessed who had something on besides her underwear, to inquire what we wanted to drink.

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"Negroni," I said.

"What's in it?" she asked. Uh oh. Turns out Lace does not have a full bar. WT-?

"Gin & Tonic?" Phewww.

But I shouldn't have worried. A young blonde, wearing a black thong and matching black bra, came by with an array of test tubes(!) cleverly filled with rather naughtily titled alcohol shots. I got the one named for the act Monica Lewinsky performed on President Clinton. I sipped, alas, rather than downing it; it was delicious. I was encouraged to buy the bartender a drink, too.

Three drinks later, I seriously wondered if the "restaurant" part of the establishment's name is just a ruse. No one had shown us a menu. No one had asked us what we'd like to eat.

I had no choice but to demand to be fed.

What a mistake.

"This is the worst food I've eaten in a long time," said my husband, though he's not known for his high culinary standards.

"We're the only ones eating," I observed.

"They're smarter than we are," my colleague shouted over the pounding music.

So what did we have? Honestly, it doesn't matter. But if you must know: meh chicken quesadillas; a dry burger with potato-deficient fries; a personal-sized pizza that tasted very much like supermarket frozen pizza; a sadly overcooked but large piece of salmon with half of a gigantic sweet potato alongside some sauteed vegetables; and a (here's a shout-out) not bad guacamole. (Our bartender said she'd tell the chef not to put onions in it because, she said, he always puts too much.)

The prices are reasonable, though (entrées from $9 to $15). Food and drink at Lace seem not to be profit makers; they earn their money in the private "Champagne" and "VIP" rooms.

So my advice: Skip the food. The rest of what you do at Lace is up to you.

Go: Lace Gentlemen's Club and Restaurant, 24 Galesi Dr., Wayne; 973-256-3302 lacewaynenj.com.

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