



To Those Who Need A Lantern,

It was a normal school day...except for the odd pain I was having throughout the afternoon.

I chalked it up to keeping up with 20 energy filled students.

It can be quite strenuous.





But, I was wrong...very wrong.

No surprise...

I’m not a doctor.









3:45ish:

I hauled my “teacher bag” filled with ungraded papers and letters from my students to my car...filled the passenger seat with my teacher tools...and turned the engine on.





Then, a sudden feeling of nervousness came over me as I pulled out of our school’s parking lot.

The kind of nervousness that takes your breath away.

The kind that makes you stop and listen to words that aren’t spoken...but filled within your soul.





Only my Redeemer can speak without noise.





I stopped.

I listened.





Tried to brush it off...because maybe I’m just overly emotional from a difficult day.





I decided to ignore these feelings...as I do with most of my emotions.





But, the Author of my story had quite the plot twist in store for me.





Ignoring my emotions was not going to be an option in this particular chapter of my life.





The Author wrote...and I fulfilled the actions He had written for me on this Tuesday afternoon.





The actions began at the conveniently located Dollar General.

-Less than a mile from our house.

-Drive by it. Every. Single. Day.





This day would be no different.





As I sat at the stop sign (100 yards away)...wondering whether to stop at the store ... “craving a yummy snack anyways”...or was that my internal excuse?





Yummy snack? Nope.

Internal excuse? You bet.





While sitting at the stop sign, the Author of my story overcame my soul with two words:

pregnancy test.





I knew what I needed to do.





Thankfully, I listened this time...instead of continuing my stubborn behavior. After all, I had never experienced the odd sensations I had been having throughout the day.





But, pregnant? Never. Couldn’t be.





Nonetheless, I went to the counter and asked for two pregnancy tests. Why did I buy two? I still have no idea...but the Author of my story does.





Soon after, I pull into our driveway, unload the car, and unlock the door. Immediately after, I open one of the tests I had just bought.





Used the restroom.

Then, I shakily dropped 2-3 drops onto the test.

Laid the test flat on the counter...and anxiously waited. Never taking my eyes off of the small white strip.





15 seconds later...

2 lines...2 very distinctive red lines.

My thoughts: Check the expiration date on the box. This test has to be defective or expired.





Wrong...again.

Noticing a pattern yet?





Can’t be. I sprinted to grab the second test that was sitting on the bathroom counter...surely this one wouldn’t be defective.





Yet again, I was wrong...with two bright red lines to prove it.





At this point, I’m hysterical. Pregnant before our wedding?

This was not a part of any plans I made for myself.





But, I was clearly reminded that I am not the Author of my story.

...

Two doctor’s appointments later...our pregnancy was confirmed.





Unknowingly, the last appointment I had would change my perspective on life...for forever.





I didn’t expect to get an ultrasound that day...but I did.





As the ultrasound tech pointed to our new blessing...I couldn’t help but hold my stomach and cry for the blessing that I never knew I wanted.





Was this blessing a part of our plan? No.

In that moment, we knew our plans were no longer relevant.





Our Author gave us one of the greatest chapters in our story on that day.

He gave us the gift of a child.

I had a blessing growing inside of me...and I instantly cried with tears of joy...thanking my Creator for the blessing of life inside of me.





As soon as I received the ultrasound picture in my hand, I kept it next to my stomach until I was dismissed from my appointment.





With tears of joy falling down my eyes, I walked to the parking lot so that I could immediately call my soon to be husband with the good news.

We were pregnant...and I couldn’t wait to hear his voice filled with excitement.

The ultrasound showed a healthy pregnancy at 6 weeks.

Ultrasounds and doctor’s visits had been scheduled in exactly 3 weeks from that day...and we couldn’t wait to see and hear our child’s heartbeat for the first time.





My fiancé’s voice filled my soul with joy...because, for the first time, I heard him as the father of our child.

It was a feeling that only our Creator could ever make possible.





The next day, we gushed over our ultrasound picture and what the future held for our family. We held each other all night...dreaming of how we were going to surprise our families with the news.





A few hours later, our dreams were shattered into tears...that ended up all over our bedroom floor.





As I woke up, I was horrified to see blood. I knew what this meant..but couldn’t get the words out to tell my fiancé.





I wasn’t crying...I couldn’t even catch my breath to cry.

So what was this feeling?

Panic attack? No.

My world crumbling? Yes.

Guilt? Yes.

Having to break my fiancé’s heart with the news? Yes.





I finally get the words out.





He throws on clothes to take me to the hospital...picks me up off the floor, dresses me, and holds me up so that I’m able to physically get into his truck.

I had no control over my body. None.





But I had to be strong. I had to for him. I had to for us.





As we drove to the hospital, we held hands and cried...and cried...and cried. Not speaking. Just crying.





There are no words to ever describe the emotions you and your partner feel during the loss of your child.





Unbearable? Not even close.





The hospital trip was a teary eyed blur...filled with unimaginable pain.





As the nurses and doctors came and went...we stared at each other, holding hands... with a grip that couldn’t be broken.





No other person, nurse, doctor, or test mattered in those moments.

We needed each other.

That was it.





Now, several days later, we are choosing joy to light up one of the darkest moments in our lives.

Our faith and God’s strength are the only things that will give us the peace and comfort we desperately need.





We will wholeheartedly lean on each other...but ultimately, our relationship leans on our eternal Father.





We are strong because He is.

He is the Author of OUR story.





This chapter of our lives is dark and painful...but our joy will be the flame that leads us back into the light.





We find comfort in knowing that our story has already been written by our Author, Father, and Creator.





We have faith in His Plan.





It’s easy to cry in the darkness...but the darkness can be lit with your lantern of joy.





It will be challenging.

You will want to question His plans.

But don’t.

His purpose and plans are perfect.

Remain faithful.









Then, fill your lantern with joy...

and blind the darkness with it.





You are not alone.





People will try to comfort you...with words that only destroy you. They will compare their situations to yours...let it go.





You would never want them to know the excruciating pain you are experiencing anyways.





Your battle IS different than theirs.

And that IS okay.

Smile and nod...thank them anyways.





Don’t let their words destroy the joy that you are so desperately fighting to keep.





Pray.

Read your Bible...

Then..blind the darkness with your joy filled lantern.





Your child deserves a joyful light.





Be the lantern for them as our Father was and is for us.





You are not alone.











