The following article is a first-person account by 35-year-old Melbourne woman Connie Boglis. For over two years, Connie was the partner of the late Jesse Bird, a 32-year-old Australian veteran who took his own life on June 27 this year. Jesse’s death came just weeks after losing a claim for permanent impairment he had been pursuing for almost two years.

Jesse’s family, who spoke to ABC’s 7:30 program last week about Jesse’s story, and Connie believe the Department of Veteran Affairs’ handling of Jesse’s case caused him to take his own life.

Hack has contacted the Department of Veteran Affairs."The passing of Jesse Bird, one of those who has proudly served Australia in uniform, is a tragic and heartbreaking event," a DVA spokesperson said. The Minister for for Veteran's Affairs, Dan Tehan, will soon be meeting with Jesse's parents and has asked DVA for a review into the handling of Jesse's discharge and case management.

A spokesperson for Defence also extended sympathies to Jesse Bird's loved ones and said, "It would be inappropriate for Defence to comment on individual cases or the content of other submissions made to the Inquiry which are under consideration by the Senate Committee."

Connie wrote the following as a submission to the Senate inquiry into suicide by veterans and ex-personnel. Hack has republished Connie’s submission with her permission.

Submissions into the inquiry are open until August 15, and can be made confidentially.

A warning: the following story discusses suicide. If you or someone you love needs help, support is available at Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you are an Australian veteran or family of a veteran, you can also call the Veterans and Veterans Families Counselling Service on 1800 011 046.

Connie’s story

I want to invite you into two years of Jesse Bird’s life behind closed doors, where only loved ones entered at times. I was a veteran’s partner for over two years and supported Jesse to commence the process of his mental health rehabilitation and compensation claims through DVA. I write this in further support of his family’s submission that went unnoticed in November 2016 when Jesse was still alive. On behalf of veteran’s wives, partners and widows who have also lived by the side of their soldier’s pain. (Names of professionals and specific details have been removed in this public forum.)

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Whatsapp Connie Boglis and Jesse Bird

Our first date

I met Jesse on the 30th of April in 2014. Our first date. We spent an afternoon getting to know one another; I spoke about everything that mattered to me from animal cruelty, travelling, career, and my love for helping others.

Jesse told me that he worked in Nauru as part of the Emergency Response Team and although it was financially rewarding, gave him no career satisfaction. He then spoke about being a veteran and having served in Afghanistan.

Jesse could not speak highly enough of the Army, hoping one day he would return to his role in which he felt a sense of purpose as a soldier, and I quote Jesse: “It’s all I know how to be, Connie”. As naive as I was that day about what Jesse was going though, I felt so proud to be walking in his company. The conversation with Jesse that day was one of many that continued and highlighted the debilitating plague that PTSD had on Jesse, myself and our relationship.

Our second date was at the airport. Three months later I returned from an overseas trip. Jesse picked me up at 2.30am just to see me and know that I was home safe. We had spoken every day I was away, and would be up at all hours just to stay connected with the time difference.

Sometimes Jesse would talk about his day, but I accepted that he was quiet and only spoke when he had something to say. The months to follow were so much fun. We met each other’s families and friends, I travelled and attended veterans’ weddings and events with all his friends, and I even surprised him with a 30th birthday party in November that same year.

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Whatsapp Jesse and Connie at Jesse's surprise 30th birthday

I was in love with my hero

Life for us was blissful. Jesse was such an intelligent man, he knew something about everything and his eye would light up teaching you. I can admit I was never interested in the TV show Game of Thrones but after a few conversations, Jesse had me hooked. He would come back from the store with a season of the DVD and we spend the weekends watching back to back episodes.

Jesse would explain the plot, and I would forget it, Jesse would remind me of the character’s names, and I would make up my own. I loved his patience and Jesse was a natural born teacher, I was madly in love with him. Jesse was a champion swimmer. He had a natural instinct to protect people in danger, and responded like no one I had ever met. He was my hero.

While we were on holiday Jesse and I were swimming at a resort pool and I had playfully jumped on his back. I remember being thrown off only to see him powering through the water to save a child who was drowning and his parents hadn’t even noticed. Jesse came back to me within seconds, not needing a thank you, not giving the parents a sermon for leaving their child alone he just returned the child to his parents and swam back to me.

I was so moved yet concerned because for the first time I noticed how detached Jesse had become from his emotions.

Jesse moved in with me. It was around this time Jesse got news that his current position in Nauru as part of the Emergency Response Unit was now redundant and he would be unemployed and home full time.

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Whatsapp Jesse Bird in uniform

When everything changed

As I saw more of Jesse, I saw everything. The honeymoon period was definitely over. Jesse had nightmares most nights and would wake up dripping wet, when he described his dreams to me they were horrific. If he wasn’t being chased, attacked or tortured he was having to fight to save people from being killed.

My Jesse was still at war.

If we had a small argument about the house chores or something trivial, Jesse would get flooded for days, Jesse would starve me of communication and although I was still hurting, angry and without any resolve, I would approach him and apologise so I could then hurt in silence.

Jesse would shut down at any sign of confrontation and retreat to his video games for hours on end. Jesse did the same with friends, family and anyone else who bought up anything personal or triggering emotionally for him. If there was a loud bang in the house or nearby he was startled so easily but without thought would walk straight outside in the dark waiting to attack whatever was out there with his bare hands. Who was this man that I was living with? I begged him. He needed to see a counsellor and in the end he only agreed to go because he felt I needed the counselling to help understand him better.

Finally, a diagnosis

So I went. Thankfully this was the first session of many; Jesse began to see his own counsellor, psychiatrist and started a course of medication. Jesse and I attended numerous weeknight/end retreats and workshops with veterans and their partners to learn how to cope with mental health and support our soldiers. During this time we had a win; Jesse was finally diagnosed with PTSD by his psychiatrist.

This diagnosis meant that Jesse could begin the process of being acknowledged not only for what happened to him during his time in the army, but as a partner it gave me hope that Jesse could start to find peace in all the hurt he had to endure. So hand in hand we were learning how to work and live together as a couple with PTSD.

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Whatsapp Connie and Jesse on Connie's 34th birthday

The bureaucracy battle begins

So the paper trail began. With his diagnosis in hand, we worked together to find advocates in Melbourne who would assist Jesse with DVA and apply to get a white card and a pension for his PTSD, anxiety, severe depression and injury. We were told by veterans in passing that Jesse should try and make a claim through his superannuation fund to at least receive some money to get by, pay bills the basics until his paperwork was approved, so we did. Jesse and

I prepared and compiled all the information necessary that day but they also needed support letters and reports from treating Psychiatrist and Psychologist.

Jesse made contact with these individuals at his next appointment and asked them both for this information and I know this because I was with him. Eight months after making his claim his superannuation fund sent me an email asking if we were still wanting to pursue a claim for compensation because they were still yet to receive support letters from his treating Psychiatrist and Psychologist.

His superannuation fund stated that they do not pursue specialists or support services; instead veterans making the application need to follow up these documents. This is just one example of the administrative red tape he was hit by.

Jesse was too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for these support letters again. Jesse never liked anyone calling on his behalf, so I couldn’t help him. Instead he wanted to stop the process of pursuing the claim. He felt belittled, insignificant, and above all angry at the complexity of these processes given what he was going through. (Evidence is available upon request).

Persisting on minimum wage work

Jesse changed. Months went by without looking for work, Jesse refused to apply for meaningless jobs and I understood. Jesse saw job opportunities existed in other government agencies so he applied. All of Jesse’s applications were rejected, we later found out one of these applications did not progress due to his medical records now showing he had PTSD!

Jesse became further withdrawn, moody and hours on end would lock himself in the bedroom to numb himself of yet another rejection. I couldn’t sit back and watch the man I adored fall apart. I was so angry. I researched everything possible that existed for veterans in Melbourne. I came across a veteran’s employment agency, Jesse was so hesitant but again I went with him, and he tried for me because he still had hope.

They found Jesse work, it was minimum wage, on the other side of Melbourne but he began the following week and I began to see parts of my old Jesse came back to me. This position only lasted a few months because he felt he had no sense of purpose cleaning and assisting at a timber yard site. Back to the drawing board.

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Whatsapp Jesse with Connie's dog Meeko

With Jesse’s level of intelligence, his love of teaching children and interest in learning it was only natural that we then researched and applied for a course in teaching. He started small applying to become a teacher’s aide and if it went well, working his way up towards a degree. Jesse was accepted into this course and commenced his studies at home full time with the financial assistance of his parents.

Jesse was still medicated; we were still seeing a couple’s counsellor, Jesse his own counsellor and treating Psychiatrist. On Christmas day Jesse presented me a ring that his father gave his mother on their wedding day, Karen had kept this for him when he was ready, to give it to someone special. Jesse told me on that morning that I was that special person in his life and it was Jesse’s way of showing me he wasn’t giving up.

Then we lost our angel

March 14th 2016 at 5am, my 34th birthday. I woke up with severe pains and found blood all over the bed sheets. Jesse took me to the emergency department and lied in bed with me for hours while I cried in agony. At 11am we were told we lost our baby, I was 7 weeks pregnant. We came home and just cried together, Jesse named our baby Gabrielle after the Arc Angel, because our baby was now in heaven. That tipped me off the edge. I knew my body and mind were defeated. I tried to help Jesse fight the war that was going on inside his head and I swear to god I gave him everything I had left to give.

The stress and anxiety had showed in various ways over the years and I had not thought up until that point that my mental health may have been compromised. I was always strong. The PTSD had won, and I was broken. My last effort attempt to save our relationship was a call and referral to a 13 week PTSD Clinic later that year. I told Jesse I needed a break in July 2016 and I wanted him to attend the program in November, try his best and come back to me when it was over. Jesse never did.

Jesse did not have a “Part time” 6-10 scale PTSD, Jesse had PTSD Everyday! Jesse was trained to run into the face of fear, you taught him that. You broke him down before he even left for war and if that wasn’t enough, he was deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months when it was only meant to be 6. The day Jesse landed on Australian soil he should have been handed a white card, given a pension and options for supports thereafter if he choose. Instead Jesse was expected to pour out his wounds from the battlefield to a complete stranger and talk emotions, something you taught him to hide so well.

Well he did it, Then you made him wait, in hope that his voice would be heard, So we continued to wait, I couldn’t wait any longer, So Jesse tried to wait a little more and fight on his own but you never came.

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Whatsapp A picture of Jesse Bird sits next to his medals on his coffin

Jesse’s death cannot be in vain

In my closing statement I ask you this; Senators of the Australian Parliament, psychiatrists, psychologists and Department Agencies supporting our veterans across Australia.

Have you even seen a loved one return from war? Have you lived with them each day?

Slept by their side as they toss and turn, yell in their sleep and watched them relive their trauma? Have you witnessed abuse by their words? Seen them push friends and family away who are only trying to help?

How about see them try and write a resume when all they have is the army? Have you seen them come home and drink themselves stupid, start smoking or take drugs just to make all the noise stop?

Well I have. I will one day find peace in all of this knowing in my heart that Jesse and I fought hard as a team to combat against the war that PTSD bought into our lives, but it is this government’s bureaucratic red tape that killed my Jesse.

On behalf of Jesse and his family I ask for an immediate change in policy.

If you or someone you love needs help, support is available at Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you are an Australian veteran or family of a veteran, you can also call the Veterans and Veterans Families Counselling Service on 1800 011 046.