According to this morning's Sun (the paper, at least) Chelsea may buy Scott Parker outright rather than simply renting him at inflated London prices. They will, however, loan polemical 16th century cleric Thibaut Courtois to Atlético Madrid, where he will stride around in his robes quilling controversial pamphlets and wondering why he ever left Genk. Chelsea are also after Chilean midfielder Arturo Vidal in order to "fill the gap left by Michael Essien's KO", which is the technical medical term for anterior-cruciate-ligament-snap. Vidal is 24, plays for Bayer Leverkusen, will cost £15m and spends most of his time teasing Norman Mailer and making waffly pronouncements on US television where he says things like "one is frankly assailed by a yawning chasm of mediocrity, as I once said to Jack while we were both on mescaline with Dorothy Parker".

Carlos Tevez may or may not be joining Corinthians depending on whether they can prove they have the required £40m. "If Ronaldo was the perfect wife, Carlos Tevez is the Argentinian lover on his way back. He would be a tsunami for the Brazilian championship," says someone called Luiz Paulo Rosenberg, who, according to his own confusing metaphor, wants to make love to a 40ft-high tidal wave.

Meanwhile Joe Hart has "urged" City to pay £45m for Sergio Agüero when Tevez finally goes. "I watch a bit of Spanish football and the thing about him is he's only ever linked with the top teams," Hart said, also simultaneously agreeing to buy a walk-in bath tub, a new timber conservatory, various brands of car insurance, a toggled-leather corner sofa, the new KFC vein-sludger meal box, five new cars and a range of garden furniture on the basis that he also saw all of them briefly on TV.

In the Mirror, City will sign Agüero whatever happens to Tevez: "Agüero's agents are discussing personal terms with City representatives, and the offer of a £200,000-a-week contract." A conversation the Mill imagines will be quite short and involve a great deal of gleeful sweaty-palmed handshaking and maybe even a group hug.

Newcastle and Everton are "on alert" after Brian McDermott admitted Reading are desperately trying to flog Shane Long. "He's the best striker in the Championship," McDermott said, forgetting about Carlton Cole. "I said to him in January that if we didn't go up I'd do my best to find him a Premier League club."

QPR have continued to flex their boundless muscle by potentially signing Danny Gabbidon on a free transfer. Gabbidon is on tour with West Ham in – it says here – Cornwall. And Carson Yeung has made his 18-year-old son, Ryan, a director of Birmingham City.

Arsenal are all set to offer poor, sad, moping Cesc Fábregas a new contract, which he will use to mop the hot salty lonely tears from his Catalan eyes. Barcelona are refusing to stump up the final £5m to take their bid up to £40m. He might have to stay now. It's not funny. According to the Daily Mail though, Fábregas will leave Arsenal after all and could make his debut for Barcelona in their forthcoming 3-1 pre-season defeat of Manchester United.

Spurs want to sign ambling goal-shuffler Emmanuel Adebayor "on the cheap". City want £14m for Adebayor. Adebayor earns £175,000-a-week. The Mill is squinting really hard and attempting to detect even the tiniest element of cheap in this entire appallingly overblown scenario.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain has "pleaded with Southampton not to wreck his dream of sitting three rows behind the reserve goalie on some overstocked Premier League bench pocketing £55,000 a week for playing a few inconclusive Carling Cup games next season". Sorry. That should read "his dream of playing in the Premier League next season". Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester City are all interested in paying £12m to essentially derail his promising career by stopping him playing any meaningful football in return for demotivating amounts of cash.

Wigan want £10m from Aston Villa for wing ace Charles N'Zogbia. Liverpool's Damien Comolli says the entire Premier League apart from Liverpool has committed a blunder by not signing Stewart Downing.

West Ham are casting lascivious sideways glances at Bolton's Matt Taylor, who will cost £1.2m. Robert Green could be off to West Brom, who have finally got rid of bungling, error-strewn England reject Scott Carson and can now look forward to having a goalkeeper who won't ... ah. And Paris Saint-Germain are all set to buy QPR jink-maestro Adel Taarabt for £15m as Rangers continue to build astutely for the season-after-next's Championship promotion push.