What do you say to a disabled, 91 year-old mother of three who tells you she feels so worthless she wants to die? “If someone loves you, your life has purpose.” That’s what I told this particular individual and what I have told countless nursing home residents with whom I have worked who were grappling with feelings of meaninglessness or worse. Some individuals even feel a hindrance, a burden on their families leading to such serious considerations as to whether or not they want to go on living.

These questioning individuals fail to recognize their own importance as objects of affection. Accustomed to doing for others, they have neglected to consider that the circle of life is really a circuit of love—if there is a disconnection in the system, it fails to work for everyone. You see, we not only need to be loved, but we have an equally strong requirement to love. How else could we explain our joy of children or caring for ? These relationships are completely one-sided on the most obvious levels and could only continue because of Nature’s requirement that we minister to others—and this necessitates a recipient of our .

Yes, the caring for children, pets, and elders demands time, energy, and other resources, but it is worth the work because we are satisfying a requirement of humanity. The pleasure we derive from activities encourages our participation and is a sign that compassion is an inborn tendency. Elders provide the most natural of outlets for the expression of our humanity. We need them just as they need us.

I think we are wise to remember that when we were young, most of us were fortunate enough to be admired and loved, long before we produced anything of value or did anything for anybody.1 Our mere existence was sufficient to inspire the love and assistance of our caretakers—wouldn’t this naturally extend to seniors?

We should help our elders to recognize they always have value to loved ones—it is a human imperative for each of us to receive and to give love—they are needed to complete the circuit. Like two lights connected by wire, if one is unscrewed from the socket, both go dark—each is necessary for the other to function properly. Nature designed us this way to ensure our survival and wellbeing, all we need to do is to follow our instincts which do not include calculations of time and money and other material considerations. If we focused on the costs of people and things we love, we might not want any of them. We have them because they make us whole and complete; the cost of not having them is really too high. Many elders have unclaimed entitlements earned through their parenting actions, but I am not even alluding to this. I am highlighting a more basic endowment from Nature. Helping an elder see she is fulfilling a larger plan and also helping family by receiving their compassion can relieve and help them appreciate their value to loved-ones.

References

1. Charles E. Dodgen, Simple Lessons for a Better Life: Unexpected Inspiration from Inside the Nursing Home (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2015).