I am completely out of ideas, please help me, begs Theresa May

Theresa May has pleaded with opposition parties for help, insisting she is completely bereft of solutions for the total shit-show over which she currently presides.

After finally admitting she doesn’t know what she’s doing, the prime minister has pleaded for help from anyone with any ideas whatsoever.

“Everything is shit and I don’t know what to do,” she told reporters.

“I know it’s unprecedented to ask the opposition parties for ideas on how to fix all the problems I’ve created, but it’s the only way I can keep my job, so why not give it a punt?

“So far the suggestion box has been filled with slips of paper with the word resign on it, but that’s literally the only thing I won’t do to make everything better.

“I would see this nation slip into the ocean and disappear before I’d let my grip on power weaken even a small amount.”

A Labour insider told us, “We’ve got loads of ideas, loads of them – and they’d fix everything straight away, but we’d rather shoot ourselves in the cock than give that woman political win.

“So everything in this country is going to stay in its current awful state, at least until she takes our number one suggestion to resign.”