Are you lonely? Female? Living in the Los Angeles area? Do you have a fetish for hot clown dick? Well, then, HAVE I GOT A GUY FOR YOU! His name is Sugar Weasel, and he’s America’s first and foremost clown escort.

Back in the ’90s, Sugar Weasel (real name Doug Wright), started out running ads in the back of LA newspapers. “I’ve been clowning for over 20 years in some fashion,” he tells Vice. “Originally I would feign heart attacks or commit suicide, usually at the expense of some unsuspecting partygoers who thought they had hired a Christian clown. The clown escort thing came later, when I was doing a gig at a gentleman’s club and the strippers were all trying to hit my shit.”

Well, of course they were. Who WOULDN’T want a piece of that?

From The Gaily Grind:

And what is he best known for, you might ask? “Besides a great big dick?” teases Weasel. “Actually, that’s it. My clientele is extremely diverse: recent divorcées, bachelorettes, punk rock chicks, and married women looking to fuck a grown man in make-up who acts mentally retarded.”

Unfortunately:

For all you boys interested in hiring Weasel for the night, he says: “I’ll do gay clubs or bar openings but I don’t have male clients. I’m not homophobic but my junk doesn’t work that way. Guess I’m just a ladies’ man.”

Plus:

Weasel says he is deathly afraid of butt plugs: “I don’t want anything larger than a baby carrot near my butthole.”

So there you go. For contact information, check out his website here.