TALLAHASSEE, FL—Staring down in shock and turning pale, the host of Wednesday night’s $700 million Powerball lottery reportedly muttered to herself in utter horror after the randomized drawing produced an entirely unmarked, pitch-black ball. “32, 16—Oh, dear God…. No, no, no,” said Powerball host Laura Johnson, who trembled visibly as the black and otherwise featureless ball came to a rest at the end of the machine’s display tube. “How could this happen? Oh Christ, not yet! Please, not yet! Jesus, they said we’d have more time. They said we’d … oh no, no—” At press time, viewers of the drawing reported seeing the studio lights flicker followed by an unearthly scream just as the televised feed cut to static.

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