IF you park, even for a moment, on a double yellow line you will definitely be caught and you will definitely be fined.

It’s the same story these days with speeding.

9 When it comes to motoring, there is an absolute zero tolerance of any infringement... but having your telly pinched is a different matter altogether Credit: Alamy

If you break the limit, even for a small amount of time on the A9 in Scotland or the A40 in London or in the roadworks on the M1 or the M3, you will be nicked.

When it comes to motoring, there is an absolute zero tolerance of any infringement.

And I get the impression, while touching a lot of wood, that our police and security forces are pretty good at catching terrorists as well.

9 Cops... its afe to say theyre not looking for your stolen flat-screen TV Credit: Getty Images

If some halfwit in a frock wanders into a hardware store to buy a bottle of ammonia and some sugar, he can be fairly certain that when he comes outside, he’ll be invited by some burly officers to get in the back of their van.

However, when it comes to crimes in-between terrorism and motoring, it looks like the police are pretty much hopeless.

Figures just out show that in ­ London, a staggering 94 per cent of all burglaries are not solved.

And I suspect that no real attempt is made to solve them either.

When it comes to crimes in-between terrorism and motoring, it looks like the police are pretty much hopeless

I was burgled a few years ago and the man responsible was caught in sharp focus, on a CCTV camera, ­carrying my television out of my front door.

I gave the picture to the police and published it in this very newspaper, asking for information.

But still, unbelievably, he was never apprehended.

Almost everyone I know has a similar tale to tell.

9 Sorry James... still no news on your telly Credit: Splash News

The homeowner gives the police ­photographic evidence of the man who did it, they get a crime number for insurance purposes and that’s the end of it.

James May once had his television stolen while he was in the kitchen, making a Lego bus, probably.

But ­anyway, whenever he is pulled over by the constabulary for some minor ­motoring offence he always says: “Oh good. If you have time to stop me for doing 31, then you must have found the man who nicked my TV.”

Then he puts on his crestfallen and slightly bewildered Eeyore face when he’s told that no, they have not.

The Labour Party says that this ­woeful state of affairs is because of Tory cuts.

9 Great career move... become a crook and enjoy the benefits of cash by the sackful and almost zero chance of getting caught Credit: Alamy

The police, on the other hand, say the figures look bad because they’ve changed the way they count crime.

Really?! So does that mean they now have 11 fingers on one hand and three on the other?

How can you change the way you count, for God’s sake?

Whatever, they’ve made an impassioned plea to homeowners to be more careful, fitting extra locks and more bars on the windows and so on.

But I’ve had a better idea . . .

I look on my way to work at teachers trying to get classes of unruly kids across the road safely.

I see people up poles, trying to mend overhead cables and I notice road workers shivering in the freezing winter air.

In shops, there are people doing mind-numbing work and in bars, there are kids waiting table for the minimum wage.

And I can’t help thinking, why don’t you all just take up burglary?

The working day is over in a few minutes, there’s no tax and there is only a six per cent chance you’ll get caught.

Which falls to zero per cent if you aren’t off your head on drink and drugs when you are on the job.

In fact come to think of it . . .

This weekend, I’m in Scotland where I’m supposed to be recording the latest instalment of The Grand Tour.

But I think it’d be even more profitable if I just rob a bank instead.

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Timeless calendar girls

9 Timeless, but not on the calendar... Pirelli needs to tell Jezza why Kristin Scott Thomas has been left off its iconic calendar Credit: WENN

I WAS a bit disappointed a few years ago when Pirelli came over all PC and decided the girls in its annual calendar should be clothed.

But I must be honest, the latest effort is a gem.

It features older women such as Helen Mirren, Uma Thurman and Julianne Moore, who are not Photoshopped to look like they are a size two or made up to look like they’re 12.

9 Uma Thurman and Helen Mirren on the Pirelli Calendar

9 Julianne Moore strips to a skimpy dress for the Pirelli calendar Credit: Peter Lindbergh / Pirelli

It’ll never find its way to the traditional resting place of Pirelli calendars – the Kwik Fit back office – but I do think it sends out an important message.

You can be beautiful and sexy and old.

All at the same time.

Just one thing, though.

Er, Kristin Scott Thomas?

She’s a shining beacon of what I’m on about, and she’s not in it.

MY youngest daughter saved for ages so she could travel to Manchester to see a bunch of DJs perform at some godforsaken club.

But when she arrived, she was told by a bouncer she needed ID to enter the gig and that because she had none, she had to surrender her tickets and go home.

Yeah right. And then as soon as her back was turned, the tickets were sold by the bouncer to a tout.

Fatty fiver furore

9 Blood money... and some fatty bits of animals, too Credit: Bank of England

IT turns out that animal fats and even tiny bits of meat are used to make the new, plastic £5 note.

Vegans are very cross about this.

But that’s OK.

Vegans are pretty cross about everything as a general rule.

Best to just ignore them.

A DOPEY THING TO SAY IT’S been decided by people with serious faces that possession of cannabis is the least serious crime you can commit. They say it has almost no impact on others. Rubbish. Because if someone lights a joint within 20ft of where I happen to be, my face goes like parchment and I faint. Whereas that doesn’t happen to anyone if I drive at 85, in the middle of the night, on a quiet motorway.

Warming to digital pill plan

9 Internal examination with your breakfast... BA could soon be serving up a health pill that beams info about your health from within the body Credit: Getty Images

BRITISH Airways is thinking of asking its passengers to swallow a digital pill when they board, which will then send out messages over the wifi to cabin crew so they know how everyone’s feeling.

It’s claimed that when people start to feel drowsy, the cabin lights can be dimmed and when they are hungry, food and snacks can be served.

Sounds good. But having done A LOT of flying recently, I know exactly what messages my pill will be sending to the flight deck. “I’m too hot. I’m too hot. I’m still too hot. Turn the bloody heating down you b******s. I’m melting here. Jesus, I can’t breathe. Help. Help. Help. I’m being cooked.”