SOUTH BEND, IN—In a blatant violation of official NCAA guidelines prohibiting spiritual gifts, sources confirmed Thursday that a Notre Dame booster was caught offering prospective student athletes plenary indulgences. “It’s totally immoral to lure players with the promise of eternal salvation; Notre Dame should be ashamed that any representative of their athletic programs would use such a manipulative recruitment tactic,” said NCAA spokesperson Frieda Percy of longtime Notre Dame booster Arthur McAllen, who was accused of unethical practices after leaked emails revealed he promised highly sought-after football players that they could avoid all divine punishment for their earthly sins by committing to the prominent Catholic university. “These are high school kids, some of them come from difficult backgrounds, and to manipulate them by offering to wipe their sins clean is simply wrong. To offer them all the riches of God’s heavenly kingdom in exchange for a few seasons of football cheapens not only the recruitment process, but also the salvation process as well.” At press time, the scandal had deepend as several players revealed they had been offered a bounty in exchange for baptizing opposing players.

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