DOVER, DE—Insisting that he was “totally fuckin’ innocent” as soapy water cascaded onto the establishment’s floor, former Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly kicked out of a local coin-op laundromat Thursday after his bright-orange shag rug flooded a washing machine. “Easy there, cabrón—ain’t my fault your piece-of-shit machine can’t handle Diamond Joe’s party carpet,” said Biden, reminding the 19-year-old attendant that the establishment had also “majorly fucked up” his Scorpions bomber jacket, custom Pontiac Firebird Trans Am floor mats, and sheepskin blanket, although he admitted the latter had “probably seen enough action to call it quits.” “I wouldn’t be caught dead in this dump anyway—you pin dicks can’t even refill the Mike & Ike dispenser, and fuck if I’m gonna chug brewhas on an empty stomach while getting my duds clean.” A laundromat employee later confirmed that the incident was “strike three” for Biden, revealing that the six-term Delaware senator had received two previous warnings to stop shaking the skill crane.

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