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St. Patrick’s Day Drunks And Gluttons Afraid Inclusion Of Gay Group At Parade Will Make Mockery Of Feast Day

New York, NY–The nation’s St. Patrick’s day drunks and gluttons expressed outrage this week after learning that a gay group would be allowed to march in this year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. Stating that a gay group being allowed to march at the St. Patrick’s Day parade would make a mockery of the Church, New York resident and perpetually drunk Catholic Jonathan Fold slobberingly announced today that he would be skipping the parade altogether and would, instead, be joining his friends at the bar to get “blitzed” right as soon as the parade began.

“This is an outrage!” a plastered Fold told EOTT as he vomited in the restroom of a bar near his home. “It is an absolute mockery of our traditions and holy days.”

Longtime New York resident Ernest Dobbins asked why “the gays” just can’t leave his faith alone, and focus on promoting their sinful ways at their own parade. “This is our day. A day to celebrate the life of a saint. If you’ve ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day parade, then you know it’s all about reflecting on our souls and promising the Lord to live in imitation of him and his saints.” Dobbins went on to say that homosexual actions are sinful and should not be tolerated, before trailing off as he caught sight of a scantily clad woman walking by. “Well, well, will you look at that,” he said seconds later as he lustfully looked the woman up and down before approaching her to invite her back to his place so he could “get lucky”.

“This parade is, in some ways, holier than the Mass itself,” said Donna Gibson, one of last year’s parade organizers. “And this parade is traditionally only for people who are not sinners. It is the holiest of days and this parade is the holiest of events on the Church calender. With the inclusion of a gay group, this will officially be the first year that sinners will be allowed to be within a 100-mile radius. All the grace that flows through this parade every year because of the perfect holiness of its participants will be lost. It’s truly a shame.”