BOONE, NC — Hoping to lose the distinction of being among the least diverse colleges in the United States, Appalachian State’s Board of Trustees recently announced a new campus-wide diversity initiative that classifies any student that has artificially colored hair as a minority.

“As you may know, we’ve been tirelessly working for one whole semester to make minorities feel welcomed here at Appalachian State,” Chancellor Everts told students Tuesday in a mass email. “Thanks to those efforts, we’ve nearly tripled the total minority enrollment at our university!”

Administrators involved in the plan expressed pride in the strides taken by ASU to accomplish such a drastic increase in campus diversity with such little effort.

“I can’t believe this was all it took to make us diverse,” said one Board of Trustees member. “Who knew that we could just create new minority groups instead of caving into the reasonable demands of the other ones?”

Students with hair of all hues demonstrated their appreciation for the news by embracing their identities as POHC, or ‘People of Hair Color’.

“I’m glad the university finally took the necessary steps to help me feel represented as a minority,” said blue-haired sophomore Natasha Powell. “People like me can now get the special treatment we deserve without any of the bigotry and hurdles other minorities face.”

Other minority populations on campus seemed less enthusiastic about the announcement, despite what Caucasian students of all hair colors are calling “revolutionary” and “progressive”.

“No,” said Hispanic student Andrew Esteban. “Fuck this school.”