BANNED CHRISTMAS TOYS 2011! The Bible says, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light and light for darkness!" (Isaiah 5:20). Nothing could more accurately describe America's toymakers as they seek to harvest the souls of little children for their dark master, Satan every Christmas! The Devil cackles with delight as he carefully opens his toychest in gleeful mockery of Baby Jesus' Birthday! Read about what Lucifer is trying to peddle to your children and click on each link to purchase and burn every one of these vile Christmas toys! BANNED: Fisher-Price Little People Noah's Ark Leave it to Fisher-Price to screw up a Bible toy. This version of Noah’s ark is not only missing two of Noah’s sons but also suspiciously absent are over 30,000 species of paired animals and 25,000 species of known insects, some of which required their own temperature controlled habitats to survive the 40 day journey on Noah’s Ark. Not to mention the missing tons of grain, leaves and food supply crates and storage compartments. Our experts contacted Fisher Price to confirm that these additional products are not available for purchase as single items or ‘add ons’ to make their Noah’s Ark toy more Biblically accurate so it would appeal to Baptist parents. BANNED: Dream Dazzlers Ooh La La Sassy Salon As if there aren’t enough homosexuals in the world already! Toys R’ Us is now beckoning unsuspecting little boys, making them think they are going to play on a football team with a flashy name like, ‘Dream Dazzlers.’ Only now, masculine little boys with liberal mothers will find themselves turning into limp-wristed little pansies after they squat their hineys down in front of a Sassy Salon, and listen to their mothers whisper, ‘Ooh La La’ into their innocent ears! “This thing is a queer making machine!” Pastor Deacon Fred told a group of concerned Landover ladies earlier this week. “If it doesn’t send you into a blood vessel popping, demon stomping rage, then you need to question whether or not you are even a Christian!” He said. “What you Godly women need to do is march right down to that Jewish toy store and demand that they pull this sissified piece of garbage off the shelf! You need hold that toy store owner accountable to Christ! Tell him to stop trying to turn your son into a homosexual!" BANNED: My Keepon - Interactive Robot Our primary concern with My Keepon is that it promotes and in fact, glorifies dancing. “To me, it looks like a piece of yellow poop struggling to get out of a Chinaman’s tight little hiney ,” says Pastor Deacon Fred. “If that’s what liberals call dancing, that makes it even worse! Every time the Bible mentions dancing it always leads to sin. To naysayers, I say, ‘So what if King David danced before the Lord? He ended up committing adultery! The same thing will happen to your children when they grow up if they sit in front of this squirming little abomination for even a second!" BANNED: Rory's Story Cubes The little catchphrase on the side of the box says, ‘Let your imagination roll wild!’ What do you think the Lord would think if that slogan was written on the first page of the Holy Bible? He wouldn’t like it, but Satan would – that’s for sure. Lucifer’s finger prints are all over Rory’s Story Cubes. First of all, they are not even cubes. They are multiple sided dice. The same kind of dice used in another one of Satan’s favorite games, Dungeons and Dragons! The second thing that made us catch wind of the Devil’s scent is the fact that Rory’s Story Cubes are designed to get one to use what non-Christians call, ‘thought’ or ‘imagination.’ These notions are defined as, ‘the power to create in one’s mind’ and this power is given up willingly by True Christian™ when we accept Jesus Christ as our Personal Savior. Any attempt to get us to use this power, even by Rory’s Story Cubes is an affront to the Living God and will most surely lead to backsliding - and in some rare cases, loss of eternal salvation. BANNED: You & Me Interactive Triplet Dolls It is unbelievable that Toys R Us still has these obscene dolls on their shelves. It is clear that someone who hates little children created these potty mouthed babies to corrupt America’s youth. None of the dolls are black, so it is even more shocking that one says, “Okay, crazy bitch!” when you pull its string! It says a lot about what is happening to America since Barack Obama was put into power. These toys don’t belong in any Christian home, or any conservative home for that matter! Anyone concerned about restoring America and bringing back good old fashioned family values should make it a priority to call Toys R Us and ask them to remove these products from their shelves before Jesus comes and does it forcibly. BANNED: Kindle Fire As True Christians we are suspect to anything with the word Fire in it. Amazon likes to use Luciferian terminology in describing their popular products. Much like Apple Inc mocks the story of Adam and Eve by implying it is ‘okay’ to take a bite out of the Apple because it gives you knowledge. However, knowledge is the very thing that God did not want Adam and Eve to have! And now we are all stuck with it, but we True Christians are able to avoid it through faith in Christ Jesus. The Amazon Kindle Fire implies openly that fire is knowledge and the product itself is used to kindle that knowledge. As True Christians we understand that Fire is from Hell (except when it is convenient to use it next to the words, Holy Ghost) and Lucifer ‘kindles’ that fire by stoking the brimstone that will burn the flesh off of sinners bodies after they are sodomized by demons in Hell for eternity. So with all of this in mind, when our Landover Baptist secular toy researchers opened up the free package from Amazon containing the Kindle Fire, their first impulse was to smash the blasphemous little novelty to pieces with a sledge hammer and pitch the remains into the furnace in the church basement. But since there were two Wiccans tied up to the furnace that day, they decided to just smash it up, put it into a bag tied to a cinder block and drop it to the bottom of Landover Lake. A thorough search of each church member's home will be conducted after Christmas and if Baptist Police Officers find any of these items in your possession, your church membership will be revoked and your entire family will be asked to vacate your house within 7-days. Read what Lucifer had packed in his Toy Chest in previous years*: LUCIFER'S TOY CHEST 2010 LUCIFER'S TOY CHEST 2009 LUCIFER'S TOYCHEST 2008 LUCIFER'S TOYCHEST 2004 *All other years are sealed pending a full legal investigation between the Landover Baptist Church and several prominent Toymakers. LUCIFER'S TOY CHEST is an annual Christian Service Ministry, funded by the tithing, Bible believing members of the Landover Baptist Church.