Dysphoria and Hypotonia

I know I don’t usually blog here but I wanted to take a moment to talk about this fun combination I get to experience. Hypotonia is more of a symptom than a disorder. It means your muscles grow and develop at a slower than average rate. It affects muscle tone a great deal and is sometimes referred to as Limp Baby Syndrome. It affects people in varying degrees.

In my case it meant I was thin, not very strong and had poor hand eye coordination most of my young life. I went to physical therapy through elementary school and in college caught up roughly with my peers. These days I’m usually only reminded of it in my handwriting or when I need to have very steady hands.

And then dysphoria. When I was very young I identified as a “normal” male (cis was just not in my vocabulary). In middle school (possibly earlier) I began thinking of myself as a crossdresser. More recently I’ve identified as genderqueer. When feeling more feminine I often get frustrated with my body and sometimes my lack of experience. Sometimes not having experience as an excuse can be even more frustrating.

I started doing theater in middle school and didn’t stop till late college. I got my own makeup in college for practice at home. My hand just never cooperated with what I wanted to do. Most makeup was fine or easily correctable. Eyeliner needed to be precise and neither my hand now eyelid likes to stay still. I often relied on friends to help correct my errors, but in my head I’ve had nearly two decades to get this right. The picture above is a new attempt with a pencil, after using liquid for a while. I’m proud of it but I also recognize it as far from perfect. I struggle to not call it out as flat out wrong.

I’m not crying out for help or trying to show off but this is something I really don’t hear about. I can’t be alone. Please share if you think you have followers who would like to read this.