It becomes clearer every day that I didn’t really know what it was like to be a truly happy person before.

Oh I had bouts of happiness here and there. Getting married to my wife, seeing my children come into the world, watching them grow and become good, responsible decent people, connecting with good friends and having two parents who did everything for me and my brothers out of love.

And those special moments throughout the years when I was able to be myself and dress as I felt comfortable and appropriate as Jill. These were just brief moments in time only lasting as long as I could keep the utter dislike of myself creeping in.

You see in the beginning during my adolescence and teens I had no real clue why I love to wear my mother’s clothing and play with her makeup, just like I had no idea why would gravitate toward girls rather than boys.

Once in my teens I started to feel very guilty whenever I dressed in girl’s clothes and thought that I was mentally ill. I used to think no one does this; no one is like me, who thinks like this. I just figured I was an anomaly and I was all alone in this world.

Then I got married and I was able to keep Jill at bay more often, and when the kids started to come I continued to put Jill on hold and it was easier to bury her.

For a good many years Jill didn’t come through even though she was always there and still a very big part of me.

Then I joined the military and ended up in a full-time position that took my full and undivided attention. This too would prevent the out breaks of Jill, but not for long.

Jill had a habit of being very tenacious and forceful so again when I would get very anxious I started to dress as Jill again. When I went on trips for the military and I knew I would have my own room I would bring an extra bag, yes a bag for Jill.

Even though in my mind and heart I still continued to think this was sick and I needed help.

This all went on until much later my wife and I had a marital issue that caused us to separate for six years. No it had nothing to do with me wanting to be Jill, she still never knew about Jill nor did anyone else for that matter because I was that good at hiding her.

Once my wife and I separated I started to dress as Jill a little more and this time it felt good even after I took off the makeup and clothing, which was a new feeling. I now felt good during my time as Jill as well as when I had to stop.

I no longer focused on being sick or having a mental illness. I found out there were people called crossdressers, I thought maybe this is what was going on.

Then the wife and I got back together and again I had to stop but not because I was fighting it, but because I didn’t want her to find out. It was at this time I starting reading articles but this time about people who were Transgender, before this I had no idea what the heck that was.

The more I read about this phenomenon I realized my God I am not a crossdresser I am really Transgender and I am far from being alone. I would read about others, their thoughts their experiences all fit my thoughts and experiences.

This was for me like crossing a long bridge or opening a door that was always locked before. Once I knew what I truly was and why I felt different than other men it was an enormous wakeup call for me.

Now I was dressing as me as often as I could, but I was still alone. One night when dressing alone in a local motel room I was combing my hair and looking in the mirror. I realized the girl looking back at me was me, I was truly Jill not the male I had been told I was all my life.

I didn’t want to be alone anymore when I was Jill, I started to search for other girls out there but each time it looked like all would be well and we had decided to meet they brought sex into the picture. I didn’t want sex or anything to do with that life style. I wanted to go out shopping, or dinner or go to a movie all as me. I wanted to live as me.

Then I found out about the First Event. Going to this Transgender conference change my whole way of thinking about who I was and what I wanted in life. On my way home from the conference I decided I was going to tell my family, my friends and work that I was Transgender and my name is Jill.

You see I was not happy living my hollow, former life. I am happy now though all the time, in fact since my transition I can’t really remember feeling like I used to before.

My wife, sons and daughter, my friends, all see a happier me now. They may not fully understand my transition, but they stand with me and support me so I am extremely luckier than most.

If I have anything to say to my sisters out there who are still struggling to be you, it is to “Never give up Never give in”, keep hope alive you will get where you are going one day, believe in yourself!!

Jill Wills