MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride. “Oh, God, please no—this big boy is gonna break me in half,” said 4-year pony-ride veteran Murph, stamping and straining at his tether as he watched the alleged fifth-grader struggle to wedge his bulbous head into Camp Hamilton’s largest helmet, an adult XL. “What the hell are my handlers thinking? I mean, this kid is an absolute unit. Maybe he just wants to pet me? You put this chunka-chunk on a regular horse, he’d fuck him up into an upper-case V. Wait—is he eating a sub? A meatball sub? Jesus Christ, I’m going to die.” At press time, Camp Hamilton officials reported they are currently no closer to finding Murph, who broke free of his lead and galloped to the treeline upon witnessing the massive camper’s older brother elbowing to the front of the line.

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