Torchwood: Forgotten Lives

Erry day is Gwensday, woohoo

Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. This transcript is not intended for profit, just sharing the love.

GWEN: The twenty-first century is when everything changes. And you’ve got to be ready.

GWEN: (

) Hello?

MAN: (

) Hello…

GWEN: … Who is this?

MAN: (

)

GWEN: Sorry, my Welsh isn’t too –

MAN, INTERRUPTING: (

)

GWEN: How did you get this number?

MAN: Jack! Jack Ha-Harkness.

GWEN: Wha?

MAN: Jack!

GWEN: What, Jack, wh – What are you saying –

MAN: Help, Jack! (

)

GWEN: Hello? He– Rhys, Rhys!

RHYS: What’s happening? You alright, love?

GWEN: No, ah yeah – No, it’s Jack, it’s Jack!

RHYS: Jack Harkness! Was that him?

GWEN: No, but he needs us, Rhys, he needs our help.

RHYS: (sighs) Bloody Torchwood!

.

GWEN: (

) No – sorry, that’s it. That’s all you get up here.

RHYS: Not even Radio 2! What a country.

GWEN: (

) Rhys.

RHYS: Joking. I like North Wales!

GWEN: (

)

RHYS: When I was a boy, I drove all the routes around here with my uncle. It’s what first inspired me to get into haulage.

GWEN: Inspired?

RHYS: Yes, inspired.

GWEN: (

)

RHYS: You’re not the only one in this car with a vocation.

GWEN: (

) … Do you miss it?

RHYS: We agreed. Keep our heads down, stay off the radar. We’re too well-known in the industry!

GWEN: But – you miss it.

RHYS: (

) You really think that message came from Jack? After all this time –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: I know you think we’re wasting our time –

RHYS, INTERRUPTING: No, I hope we’re wasting our time!

GWEN: Look, if Jack’s in trouble, Rhys –

RHYS: Jack is trouble, Gwen! That’s the point of Jack. Whenever the world stops ending, he just –

GWEN: Fucks off, I know.

RHYS: No sign of him in five years! So if he’s back –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: The world’s probably ending! (

) Again!

RHYS: You don’t have to look so happy about it.

GWEN: Say, we do need to deal(?) with that massive pile of laundry. And the duvet needs washing.

RHYS: What’s with the duvet(?) –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: King-size. And your turn to change it.

RHYS: Come on, you alien invasion.

GWEN: There. There’s the turning.

RHYS: The Bryn Offa Nursing Home. Dementia and Mental Health, with Nursing Care. Just like it said on the website.

GWEN: Well, it would do. It’s probably a cover.

RHYS: What?

GWEN: Alien experiments. UNIT detention. Lock-up for the inconveniently temporally-displaced. Look, there. The people who live on the streets, they know stuff. Ianto always used to keep a few rough sleepers on the payroll as (?)mance.

RHYS: So maybe she’d been paid to keep quiet.

GWEN: So we pay her more. (

) Hi! Can I have a word?

WOMAN: No. No, i-it’s time.

GWEN: Time? Time f-for what, you okay?

WOMAN: Tea time. I want my tea.

GWEN: Why is she going in?

RHYS: Maybe she works there.

GWEN: No, she looks way too young.

RHYS: Gwen.

GWEN: What?

RHYS: Company.

GWEN: (

) Calm down, it’s just a man. Can I help you, sir?

MAN: Bet you can, Gwen Cooper. Come here! (

)

GWEN: Whoa, I think you should know that I’m married!

RHYS: Hey listen, pal, I don’t care how dodgy you are, you touch my wife again –

MAN: And Rhys Williams too, am I glad to see you! (

)

GWEN: Okay, Casanova, who are you?

MAN: Oh. Please tell me you’re joking, it’s me! Jack!

GWEN: (

) Jack!

RHYS: Jack? But you’re – old! Really old!

(JACK): I lost count around the late 2000s. But have you ever considered a career as a diplomat?

GWEN: Are you okay?

(JACK): No. No, I’m dying. That’s why you have to get me outta here. Where’s the SUV?

GWEN: We don’t have – We don’t have one anymore.

RHYS: Jack would know that.

(JACK): I did know that. It’s – it’s this body. Frontal lobes are shot along with the heart and lungs and everything else. I can’t hold it together much longer, but we need to go. Now. Gwen Cooper, I order you –

MAN: Mr. Griffith. Out of bed again?

(JACK): Ah, stand back. Get your hands off me, we’re armed! Gwen, you brought the weapons?

GWEN: Wha – I –

MAN: Alright, Mr. Griffith, let’s just calm down now, shall we? You want another heart attack? Nurse Bevan has brought your (?)

BEVAN: There we go, lovely.

(JACK): No. I don’t need them.

MAN: Let’s get you inside, and stop bothering these nice people.

(JACK): (

) Let me go! I need to leave now! Gwen! Rhys!

MAN: Hi, I’m Gary. Uh, who are you?

,

GARY: No. You’re – Gwen, and Rhys. No really, Gwen and Rhys?

RHYS: Why. What’s he said about us?

GARY: Oh, I couldn’t possibly comment. It’s just – In the last few weeks, he suddenly started asking for you. It happens, sometimes, with dementia. They start reliving old memories, almost like going back in time. I don’t suppose you know a ‘Tosh’, do you? Or a ‘Ianto’?

GWEN: Uh… Yeah, they uh – they’re no longer with us.

GARY: I see. Shame. Ianto sounded a bit lovely. But of course, I should have expected it. It’s just – well, I thought you’d all be a lot older. I mean, he is 93, and – How do you know him, again?

GWEN: He’s my uncle.

RHYS: (

)

GWEN: Yeah, he – he is my great-uncle. We’re very close – well, we were, once.

GARY: It happens. Dementia changes people. They can fall out with loved ones. In the early stages, you know, before anyone realises what’s happened. I see it all the time.

WOMAN: (

)

GARY: It’s all right, Elunedd. Let’s get you a nice cup of tea, now.

ELUNEDD: (

)

GARY: I said, people changed. Elunedd’s lost all her English. Now she only speaks Welsh. The language of childhood, see. None of her family

, so… (

) It’s a cruel disease. But you know that. Don’t need me going on. But you look on the bright side, haven’t you.

GARY: (

) Listen to that. She may not speak English, but she can still remember the piece she learned for the (?)Eisteddfod of 1936. Beautiful, Lun. New drugs are really helping her a lot.

GWEN: Ah, new drugs. Would these be experimental miracle pills?

RHYS: Possibly of mysterious origin?

GWEN: Thank you, Rhys.

RHYS: Welcome.

GARY: Do I look like a drug dealer to you? Don’t answer that. No, seriously, our doctors won’t prescribe anything that’s not fully tested and approved. We keep detailed records –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: Can I see them?

GARY: Sorry, they’re confidential, obviously.

GWEN: I know, data protection nightmare, right? Oh, well, if it’s okay with you, I’ll just pop up and see my uncle.

GARY: Uh, not today, I’m afraid. The doctor’s very worried about him.

GWEN: I’m very worried about him. I need to see if he’s okay.

GARY: He survived five heart attacks. Unless you want to bring on number six, you better come back another time.

RHYS: (

) Please, Gary, mate. Just a couple of minutes. We’ll be really quiet. You’ll hardly know we’re there.

GARY: … Well. Seeing as you’ve come all the way from Cardiff –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: Yes.

GARY: I’ll just go and check with Dr. (Kerry?). (

) Hey Matty(?), is the doctor still with Mr. Griffith?

GWEN: …Wow, look at you, charmer.

RHYS: Still got it.

ELUNEDD: (

)

GWEN: Elunedd? Is that your name?

ELUNEDD: (

)

GWEN: You’re the one who called us? Aren’t you? Rhys, how’s your Welsh these days?

RHYS: I can ask where’s the toilet.

GWEN: Don’t start. (

) Hello? Mum?

ANWEN: Mummy!

GWEN: (

) Ohh, hiya, darling, hiya! Did Nana say you could use the phone?

ANWEN: I miss you and Daddy.

GWEN: Well, it’s been less than a day, and you’ve only just got home from school!

ANWEN: When are you coming home?

GWEN: Very soon, darling. Yeah, just got to finish this boring work thing.

RHYS: (

) Gwen!

GWEN: Oh shit. Sugar! Sugar.

ANWEN: What’s wrong?

GWEN: (

) Uh, a naughty man’s trying to steal Mummy’s car, but we’ll stop him. Be good for Nana, no sweets until after you’ve done your teeth. Bye bye, darling, bye, love you! (

)

RHYS: Stop! Stop the car!

(JACK): Rhys! Rhys Williams! Get out of the way or I swear I’ll run you down!

RHYS: Look, old man. I don’t know how you managed to hotwire my car, but you are not safe to drive!

GWEN: (

) All right, whoever you are, get out.

(JACK): Gwen! Listen to me. We have to stop the Evolved experiment. They tricked me! It’s not just the old people. It could destroy the whole human race!

GWEN: Okay, okay, right, then look, look. We’ll – we’ll look into it, but you are not well, okay? You should be in bed.

(JACK): (

) Ah, now there’s an offer I can’t refuse. Will Rhys be joining us?

GWEN: Well, if you’re not Jack, you’ve definitely met him.

(JACK): Gwen, Gwen. Ignore the body. I know I look like hell. But it’s me. It’s Jack. And we need to save the world!

GWEN: If you’re Jack, why didn’t you call me yourself?

(JACK): They wouldn’t let me use the phone! Elunedd helped me out.

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: And how long have you been here?

(JACK): I don’t know. Weeks, months…

GWEN: (

) Well so why didn’t you call before?

(JACK): I – I thought I could handle it –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: (

) We’re a team, Jack. Okay, we saved the world together. Why didn’t you –

(JACK): Look at me! I’ve got wrinkles! Liver spots!

GWEN: Ugh.

(JACK): And you should see the hernia scars – Well, you shouldn’t –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: Whoa whoa whoa. So y-you didn’t call because you’re too vain?

(JACK): I didn’t want you to see me like this.

GWEN: Didn’t stop you trying to cop a quick snog when you got here.

(JACK): Oh, you’re irresistible, Gwen Cooper!

GWEN: And so is Rhys, apparently.

(JACK): Like I said. It’s been weeks –

GWEN: Get out.

(JACK): Please, Gwen.

GWEN: I’m driving. Rhys, it’s Jack in an old man’s body. Get in!

RHYS: (

)

GARY: (

) Wait! What are you doing?

GWEN: Jack, get a shift on.

(JACK): All right.

GARY: (?), the gates. He’s a sick man! You can’t just take him! Stop this car!

RHYS: He’s not gonna move!

GWEN: Hoh, he’ll move.

GARY: (

) (

) I’m calling the police, you madwoman!

RHYS: She is the police! (?)

(JACK): They’ve shut the gates!

GWEN: Okay, through the fence, it is. Now, brace yourselves.

RHYS: What?

GWEN: Here we go!

RHYS: …Oh-ho, can I open my eyes yet?

GWEN: Yes, Rhys, we’re fine, hardly dented. Uh, much. You okay, Jack?

(JACK): Still dying. Not dead!

RHYS: (

) So… Jack. Where’ve you been?

(JACK): A lot of places. It’s been a while.

GWEN: (

) Five years. Five.

(JACK): And you can still destroy me with a syllable.

RHYS: Well, just to lighten the mood, what’s about to destroy the Earth this time?

(JACK): Nothing. The Earth’s fine.

RHYS: Seriously?

(JACK): Yeah. But the people. All the people are in horrible danger.

RHYS: There you go.

GWEN: You said we have to stop the Evolved experiment.

(JACK): Yes. They’re coming tonight.

RHYS: This Evolved thing. Is it alien? Nod for yes. Oh, surprise surprise.

GWEN: Okay, Jack, what do we need to do?

(JACK): Well, keep me alive. Body worn out.

RHYS: Okay, we’ll get you to a hospital.

(JACK): No, can’t – can’t help. Need alien tech.

RHYS: Well, where are we supposed to get that?

(JACK): Torchwood.

RHYS: Torchwood’s gone, mate. Remember?

(JACK): Torchwood everywhere.

GWEN: Yeah, he’s right, there’s hidden stores, secret caches all over the place.

RHYS: Well, I thought we tapped all them while we were on the run.

GWEN: Only the ones we knew about. Jack, are you saying there’s a Torchwood stash somewhere around here?

(JACK): Yes, hidden entrance, in a slag heap.

RHYS: (

) We’re in North Wales! There are slag heaps everywhere!

(JACK): Just keep driving. I’ll direct.

RHYS: He doesn’t look good, Gwen. Maybe a hospital –

(JACK), INTERRUPTING: No! No hospital. I need – biostabiliser. Try!

GWEN: It’s okay, Jack. Look, we’re gonna find it. Okay, we’ll find it; w-we’ll get you there. It’s gonna be fine.

.

GARY: He’s a very ill man. They won’t get far. Call the hospitals, and tell them to look out for a –

WOMAN: What about the police?

GARY: Not yet! He’s a resident, not a prisoner. He’s free to leave if he wants to.

WOMAN: But shouldn’t –

GARY, INTERRUPTING: No! If this gets in the papers, we’re finished. Let’s just get him back where he belongs, okay?

GWEN: (

) Jack. Jack, wake up. Rhys is back.

(JACK): (

) Rhys.

GWEN: Did you find it?

RHYS: No.

GWEN: (

) Bollocks.

RHYS: (

) I’ve been up and down, round and round in the pouring rain, and you know what I found? Mud, and stones. No secret base, no alien tech.

(JACK): Heart.

GWEN: Yeah, I know, Jack, I know. Did you check the northeast side? He said there’s a heart-shaped rock –

RHYS, INTERRUPTING: Yeah, I know what he said. And there is no white, heart-shaped rock, on the northeast side, or the southeast side, or the bloody north by northwest side!

GWEN: Right. Well, maybe I should, I should’ve just done it in the first place, like I –

RHYS, INTERRUPTING: Go on, you’re welcome, go on! But I’m telling you, I’ve been over every inch of that thing. That, my love, is just a normal, boring slag heap. And this man is seriously ill, and needs medical attention.

GWEN: Jack, are you sure we’re in the right place?

(JACK): White heart.

GWEN: We haven’t found it, Jack. Think, think! Is there anywhere else!

RHYS: (

) He looks terrible, Gwen, you’ve got to get him to a doctor –

GWEN: (

) He said not to.

RHYS: He’s dying!

GWEN: He’s Jack, he can’t die.

RHYS: Love, even if he is Jack, that body’s worn out. He said so! We can’t help him, not out here!

GWEN: Alright. (

) Jack, listen to me. We can’t find the stash and you’re really poorly, so we’re gonna take you to a hospital, okay?

(JACK): No. I remember.

GWEN: What do you remember?

(JACK): Hot buns.

RHYS: What’d he say?

GWEN: I think he said ‘hot buns’.

RHYS: (

) Hot buns.

GWEN: (

) Jack! Jack, look at me!

RHYS: He’s not breathing, Gwen.

GWEN: I know, I know. Jack, Jack, stay with me. Look, I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try CPR.

RHYS: (

) I-I’ll do it, you just keep talking to him. Go on. (

)

GWEN: (

) Okay, Jack, listen to me. Okay, you’re not dying, are you, Jack? It’s a trick. Well, you’ve finally got that snog you always wanted off Rhys, so, so you can stop messing about now, right? Right? You can come back to us! You know, uh, you know how it’s done, you just gasp and y-you sit up like you always do! We always know w-what you – Oh, come on, Jack, we, we know where you’re going – Just come back, oh god, please, come back!

GWEN: (

) He can’t be dead. Jack can’t be dead.

RHYS: I know, love. But that man, Mr. Griffith –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: Rhys, I’ve seen him die, so many times. He’s never looked so, so… He’s never looked like that.

RHYS: That last thing he said.

GWEN: Mm.

RHYS: Hot – buns.

GWEN: Yeah. Always thinking about sex. Even when he was a – No, that man was not Jack. No, h-he couldn’t have been.

RHYS: (

) Well, whoever he was, if he was around these parts in the eighties, he’d know all about hot buns.

GWEN: Ugh.

RHYS: The best (?) buns in North Wales.

GWEN: (

)

RHYS: Me and Uncle Mike would drive an extra hour just to get our hands on one of their bacon baps(?).

GWEN: (

)

RHYS: He always bought a couple of um. You know, um. (

) But they never got any (?) with it. Mike and the lads (?) that. Oh, their chips and curry were to die for. …Sorry.

GWEN: What are you saying, Rhys? What, h-he used his last breath to ask for a bap?

RHYS: I’m saying, hot buns was always (?) in the same (?) –

GWEN: Yes?

RHYS: (

) – which was right by a slag heap!

GWEN: Ye – Rhys Williams, I could kiss you.

RHYS: (

) Turns out today’s my lucky day after all!

GWEN: Later. (

) Maybe we can still save Jack.

RHYS: You said it looks like a heart? Or more like an arse?

GWEN: Close enough. Give me the torch.

GWEN: Yes. There we go. See?

RHYS: Wh-what’s that? Where’s the stone gone?

GWEN: Oh, the stone was just a biometrically-coded portal.

RHYS: A what now?

GWEN: A door that can only be opened by a registered Torchwood operative.

RHYS: (

)

GWEN: Oh yes, yes yes yes yes yes! Open sesame!

RHYS: What?

GWEN: Sorry. Sort of – crap thing Jack would say.

GWEN: Here we go.

RHYS: Bloody hell.

GWEN: (

) Rhys Williams. Welcome to Torchwood Wrexham.

RHYS: Torchwood Wrexham?

GWEN: Well, Torchwood Wrexham bypass. Close enough. Right. (

) Let’s go get Jack.

GWEN: Okay, this one. This has gotta be the biostabiliser, I’ve seen Owen use them (?).

RHYS: I’m saying nothing. Go on. Start up, then.

GWEN: Right. Does this look like an on-switch to you?

RHYS: I thought they trained you up for stuff like this!

GWEN: (

) There’s an infinite universe, out there, Rhys. An infinite number of species, all with different bodies, different minds, different ways of thinking and communicating.

RHYS: So you never developed a standard procedure for dealing with alien tech, huh?

GWEN: Uh, hello, yes, we did, actually. Push every button and hope for the best. Wish me luck. (

) Come on, Jack.

RHYS: How will we know when it’s working –

(JACK?): (

)

GWEN: That’s him.

(JACK?): (

) W-what happened? Who’re you? Where – where am I?

GWEN: It’s okay, Jack. It’s just us, Gwen and Rhys.

RHYS: We brought you back from the dead, you lucky boy.

(JACK?): Am I a boy, now? No, I’m a man. I’m an old man! (

)

RHYS: That’s not Jack, is it.

GWEN: Oh, my god. Who have we brought back.

.

WHOEVER’S IN GRIFFITH’S BODY: Where are we going? Where are you taking me?

GWEN: It’s all right, love. We’re here to help you. Now, let’s start with your name, okay? Who are you?

GRIFFITH: I d-don’t know.

GWEN: Just take your time. Breathe. I know this is very upsetting, but I promise you’re safe. Nobody’s going to hurt you.

GRIFFITH: But they did last time. Injections, I screamed! They held me down!

GWEN: Last time? Where were you, last time?

GRIFFITH: That home! That home for mentals! Old mentals! And I was one of them!

GWEN: You were an old person?

GRIFFITH: (

) I was an old woman, and, and now I’m an old man, but it’s not real is it? It’s in my head. I’m wrong in the brain, just like Mam said!

GWEN: No, you’re not. I just need you to think, and be brave, and tell me your name.

GRIFFITH: Ceri.

GWEN: Ceri. Good, okay. Ceri. And how old are you, Ceri?

(CERI): I – don’t know!

GWEN: (

) Yes, you do. And I’m not going to judge you, or accuse you of lying. Just tell me how old you think you are.

(CERI): Fifteen.

GWEN: Okay, thank you. Now listen to me, Ceri. You’re not mentally ill. All of this really is happening.

(CERI): But how?

GWEN: Because somebody’s doing dangerous experiments on people. Giving them bad drugs.

RHYS: Alien drugs.

(CERI): Aliens?

GWEN: (

) Rhys! We don’t know that for sure. But I won’t lie to you, it’s a possibility. Anyway, here’s the good news, we can stop this! And you can help us.

(CERI): How?

GWEN: Well, to start with, you can tell us exactly what happened. How did all this start?

(CERI): I – I don’t know.

GWEN: Come on, yes. You – yes, you do. You do.

(CERI): (

) I’m begging my usual part, by that home, and this old woman, she comes up to me and I know she’s got no cash, ‘cause she’s one of them, the mentals! And they never has! So I, I looks away, and then…

GWEN: Yes, go on.

(CERI): This – shadow comes over me. And it’s like I’m in the shadow. I am the shadow. I need to (?) so bad, but I can’t. I – I think I crashed out. Then I’m in the home, and I’m her. And the old man. But it can’t be right, it makes no sense! They, they’re going to lock me up!

RHYS: No, they won’t. We won’t let them.

GWEN: No. No, but – we do need you to do just one thing for us.

.

(CERI): (

) I’m not going back there. Don’t make me go back there!

GWEN: It’s not for long, not even one night.

(CERI): No!

GWEN: Ceri, if you do this, we can stop what’s happening, find a way to reverse it, make you a young girl again. Wouldn’t you like that?

(CERI): I just don’t want to go in there.

GWEN: (

) So, what? You want to stay an old man for the rest of your days? Or do you want to get your life back?

(CERI): …Life.

GWEN: (

) Okay then. So. Here’s the plan. You make your way into the grounds. Wander about a bit. Look confused. Let them find you. Remember, you’re a tired old man. Can’t remember where you’ve been, anything they ask, you don’t understand. You go to your room and have a nap. Then, in the middle of the night, let’s say –

RHYS: Two a.m.?

GWEN: – Two a.m., you go downstairs, you make sure nobody’s about, and you open the back door.

(CERI): They keep the doors locked. And the windows.

GWEN: Which is why I’m giving you this. (

)

(CERI): What is it?

GWEN: Doesn’t matter. All you need to know is, point it at the lock, and click.

RHYS: Text us to let us know that it’s done.

(CERI): (

) What’s that?

RHYS: It’s a phone. Just a normal phone.

(CERI): Okay, so. Point –

GWEN: Yep.

(CERI): – Click –

GWEN: Yep.

(CERI): – Text?

GWEN: Yep.

(CERI): What (?)?

GWEN: Whatever you like. You can walk out the door, or stay. Your choice. But don’t go too far, because once we’ve found out what’s going on, we’ll find a way to put things right.

(CERI): How? W-who are you anyway?

GWEN: We’re Tor- I’m Gwen Cooper and this is Rhys Williams.

RHYS: Hi.

GWEN: We’ve seen this sort of thing before. And worse, much, much worse. And I promise you, Ceri – we’re going to sort this out.

GWEN: (

) Two-oh-seven? Come on, Ceri.

RHYS: (

) Do you think he’ll do it? I mean, she?

GWEN: (

)

RHYS: Confusing, this stuff.

GWEN: Oh, you get used to it.

RHYS: Didn’t take you long.

GWEN: What do you mean?

RHYS: Torchwood Gwen’s back, isn’t she. Taking charge, saving the world.

GWEN: What else am I supposed to do, he’s letting those people in there, get on torturing (?) people.

RHYS: Everybody else has. The rest of the world’s let them to it.

GWEN: (

) Then maybe the rest of the world is the problem, not me!

RHYS: …You know. You haven’t mentioned Anwen since we brought the old man up.

GWEN: Anwen is fine. Our daughter is perfectly safe. And I – am working.

RHYS: You do realise nobody’s paying us for this.

GWEN: Us.

RHYS: Wha…

GWEN: (

) You said ‘us’.

RHYS: (

) Well, yeah. We’re working together.

GWEN: And, you said working. You in Torchwood now?

RHYS: Well I’m not letting you go in there alone.

GWEN: Ah, good girl.

RHYS: Ceri?

GWEN: Yeah, she’s done it. Come on!

RHYS: Quietly!

GWEN: It’s still locked. Maybe she meant the other door.

GARY: (

) Hello, Gwen, Rhys?

GWEN: You told him.

(CERI): I don’t have a (?) with me, not my phone(?), he found the phone!

GARY: Don’t run away. I’ve got the night staff covering the grounds.

GWEN: We’re not going anywhere. I’m not leaving these poor people with you for a moment longer.

GARY: Please, don’t make a scene, my residents will get upset.

GWEN: Yeah, and what are you gonna do? Call the police?

GARY: I know you’re very upset –

GWEN, INTERRUPTING: Oh, I’m not upset. I’m angry. There’s a difference.

RHYS: Actually, maybe we should call the police. Let them know what’s going on here.

GARY: I really don’t want to get the police involved.

RHYS: Thought you wouldn’t!

GARY: Let’s – not let this situation get out of control. How can I help anyone? Look, why don’t you just – come inside for a chat, eh?

GWEN: Alright.

GARY: Nurse Bevan, would you do some teas and coffees? How do you take it?

GWEN: (

) I don’t want tea.

GARY: Well I do. I’m parched. And I think you need to calm down.

RHYS: Pff, ooh, Gary, you’re a braver man than me.

GWEN: I say he’s stupider.

GARY: Sorry. Listen, Gwen. I’ve been doing this job for a long time. I’ve seen it all. It’s not the first time this has happened. Believe me, I understand.

GWEN: I don’t think you do.

GARY: I know you’re not criminals. You just made a mistake.

GWEN: No, it wasn’t a mistake. He asked us to take him away; he begged us.

GARY: Yes. It happens, quite a lot.

RHYS: I’m not surprised.

GARY: Look, it’s easy for you to stand there and judge.

RHYS: Yes it bloody is!

GARY: (

) We get a lot of bad press in this job. We’re only trying to help people. The truth is, losing someone – not their body, but their mind – piece by piece, is absolute torture. When the person you loved is gone. But they’re still there. You want to help them, but you can’t. Nobody can. So. It’s easier to blame us. And I’ve seen it all. It’s not just people with dementia who lose it, who do stupid things, like running away. It’s their friends and families.

GWEN: But Jack didn’t have dementia, did he.

GARY: Jack. Is that what you call him, Mr. Griffith?

GWEN: It’s his name.

GARY: Okay. Well. You have to understand sometimes, when our residents see someone from the past, they get upset. And Mr. Griffith – Jack – hasn’t had any visitors for as long as I’ve been here. So when he saw you, he got agitated. Maybe spun you a bit of a yarn, said we were doing all sorts, am I right?

GWEN: Ah, he said you were conducting experiments on your residents.

GARY: There you go. So that’s the side of it you’ll see. The paranoia. The fear. But what you don’t see is that he’s mostly been happy here. Oh, tea!

BEVAN: There you go.

GARY: Thank you. You sure you won’t have a cup. Gwen, Rhys? Oh, go on, you must be gasping!

RHYS: You’re joking, mate. We’re not touching anything in this place.

GARY: We passed every inspection with flying colours! Certificates are all on display.

GWEN: Food hygiene rating: Five out of five. Well done. How many stars did they give your alien drugs?

GARY: (

) You what?

ELUNEDD: (

)

(CERI): I tried to stop her from following me(?).

GWEN: Shh shh shh, it’s all right, it’s all right, you’re safe now, nothing’s gonna happen.

GARY: Lun? You get out of bed, love? Come on. Let’s ask the nurse for something to help you sleep.

(CERI): No!

GWEN: You leave her. You won’t give her anything, it’s over. We’re shutting this place down.

GARY: What’s going on? Not from the council, are you?

RHYS: No. We’re from your worst nightmare.

GWEN: Bit dramatic.

RHYS: (

) Sorry. Well go on, then. Get the gun out.

GARY: Gun?

(CERI): You never said you had a gun –

GWEN: Ah, well that’s real with the moment. You don’t say “Get the gun out” before you get the gun out. (

)

GARY: Oh!

GWEN: And hands in the air, by the way.

GARY: What is that thing?

GWEN: This is a Mulefanian(?) disintegrator.

ELUNEDD: (

)

(CERI): Looks like a pink hairdryer.

GWEN: Yeah, it does. It looks exactly like a pink hairdryer. And let me tell you why – It’s pink, because in the Mulefane(?) system, pink is the traditional colour of fighting. And the bulky shape is to accommodate the three mini-black holes which power it. And incidentally, that’s also why this weapon was banned by the Shadow Proclamation throughout the universe.

RHYS: (

) You know a lot about it.

GWEN: It was the one item in the cache they managed to label properly. Probably because if you don’t know what you’re doing, it can vaporise a planet. (

) I said, hands in the air.

GARY: Okay, okay.

GWEN: (

)

ELUNEDD: (

) Piano!

(CERI): How did you do that?

GARY: (

) What did you do? Where’s the piano?

GWEN: Right there. Just reduced to its constituent molecules. So, unless you want the same to happen to you, I suggest you work on not pissing me off so much. What do you reckon?

GARY: I-I will, I swear. Whatever you want.

GWEN: All right, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’ll gonna round up all your staff, put then in one room, and lock the door. (

) And don’t tell me you don’t have any rooms that lock on the outside, because I won’t believe you, Gary. Do you understand?

GARY: Yes.

GWEN: Good. We’re getting somewhere, right. Let’s lock up your staff with tea and biscuits and (?). And then, we’re gonna take a look around. Find out what’s really going on here.

Well that was quick. Also, I only know a total of three words in Welsh, so no translation there, sorry.