Nobody wants to hear about the Sabres, especially since Jer and Dunn already covered them this week. They are bad and boring and sad and nobody cares. On gamedays when I am forced to write about these teams that are uninteresting, I am going to be reviewing fan fiction instead!

For this segment, I will be reviewing the first chapter (there is only one chapter) of 'One Night out', a tale of SEX, and yeah, that's about it.

The story takes place when the Stars (this is how old this thing is) are playing in Chicago, and Adam Burish is upset about losing against his former team. He decides to go out drinking after the game with Mike Ribeiro, Brenden Morrow, Patrick Sharp, Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook. The boys are ~drankin~ and reminiscing of old times, like when Sharp and Burish put white vinegar and baking soda in a toilet and made foam go everywhere when someone flushed the toilet! This is a very funny and cool prank.

Anyway, at the bar a woman walks into the room and it is apparently an intern named Katy (can't even spell Katie right smh) that Burish was smitten over during the summer. It's a classic tale of them being so similar that IT JUST CAN'T WORK! He drives her crazy and ~loves~ to piss her off because nothing is more sexy than dealing with a pissed off woman.

Adam knew he was going to royally piss her off but that was all part of the fun. He loved when she got angry and her bottom lip stuck out in a pout. It made him want to do very X rated things to her.

Adam wants to do much sex to her. He picks her up without permission because this is another thing that women love to happen to them!! After getting v mad at him, she flirts with all the guys he is with because it drives him crazy. This is a Textbook Move and I applaud it.

[editor's note: I hate this story so much but I've already written this much so I will continue]

So Katy and the boys keep on drankin' and the more drunk Katy got, the more attractive Burish became, which leads me to believe she drank everything in this bar. In the most predictable fashion, Burish offers Katy a place to crash because she is too drunk to drive home.

This is when things get ~sex rated~ if you are under the age of 18 or a good Christian boy like Dunn, I suggest that you go read something else, that is, if you've made it this far.

"Adam, I feel so drunk," she pouted innocently.



"I know, you’re letting me touch you," he joked.



"I know!" she giggled. "You know, I don’t not like you."



"Really, that’s news to me," Adam smiled.



"Well, it’s true. I think you’re really cute," she smiled and looked up at him.



"Then why are you so mean to me?" he asked in a pout similar to hers.



"Because you’re mean to me!" she exclaimed defensively.



"I’m only mean to you because you’re so sexy when you’re angry," he smirked.



"That’s not a good reason," she pouted. Her bottom lip stuck out again and all Adam wanted to do was taste it.

I know that it is hard to keep up with the story, but in 5 paragraphs this is the 3rd time it was stated that Burish is turned on by her anger. This is obviously a very important part of the plot and I didn't want you guys to miss out on this factoid.

Burish and Katy end up kissin' in the cab and things get pretty heated by the time they get to his place. It is kind of weird that Burish is a Dallas Star yet he still has a place in Chicago, but I guess he needed to keep his Sex Lair just in case.

This is where the gross weird sex things begin to happen, instead of summarizing it, I'm just going to list my favorite quotes.

He kneaded her other breast and rolled over so that he was on top.

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Adam grabbed Katy’s hand and put it in front of his crotch. "Look at what you did to me, baby," he smiled. Katy smirked and reached in his boxers and grabbed hold of his dick.

hahahaha

She dragged down his boxers to reveal his totally erect erection

Adam Burish had the most bonery boner ever

[editor's note: the Sex is very gross but feel free to read for yourself]

"If I had known you were going to be that good I would have thrown you in my bedroom and locked the door months ago," Adam panted.



This is awful and I will not comment any further on that particular passage

"But if you don’t let me out of bed how will we ever have sex in the shower?" she asked with an innocent tone and his eyebrows shot up.

And yeah, that's basically it. Burish got drunk with some intern and had sex with her and that was the end of the story. It took me over an hour to read this all the way through, although it was probably as long as my post, because it was that painful.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks vs. Buffalo Sabres

1:00pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center

Prediction:

There is absolutely no way the Sharks win this game. 3-1 Sabres. Patrick Marleau gets the only sad goal.

Setting the Tone:

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This song is from Beulah's Yoko album. This album is one of my favorites and this song encapsulates the Sharks at this current point in time.

Tweet of the Day:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>My <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Sabres?src=hash">#Sabres</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/mnwild?src=hash">#mnwild</a> birthday cake this weekend made by my awesome girlfriend awesome present pics to come <a href="http://t.co/kVLSJtqwxw">pic.twitter.com/kVLSJtqwxw</a></p>— Jasen Booker (@SabreFan4Life28) <a href="https://twitter.com/SabreFan4Life28/status/525872542238904320">October 25, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Saddest. Birthday. Ever.

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

Not sure if actual tattoo or sharpie. Hopefully sharpie.