Lately the threat of losing healthcare has been looming over millions of Americans. While access to affordable healthcare may be at risk, guns remain widely accessible to anyone and everyone. Since they’re so bountiful, you may want to try a gun in an emergency rather than resort to our healthcare system for safe and affordable care. Here’s how to heal yourself with guns when you don’t have access to any of that stuff any more.

Apply a gun to the wound.

When you’re wounded and can’t afford the massive fees of a hospital visit, simply apply a gun to the wound. If you don’t already own a gun, no worries! Buying a gun costs way less than seeking medical attention and works almost as well. Hold the gun against your wound until bleeding stops or until you receive another gun, in which case you can hold two guns against your wounds instead of one. For severe bleeding, you can fire the gun and press the hot barrel of the gun against your wound to cauterize it. You’ll heal in no time.

Take a bullet like a pill.

Take a bullet like a pill if you require life-saving prescription meds but can’t afford them. Bullets come in all shapes and sizes, so you can buy hundreds of bullets and store them in a big bottle to replicate the look and feel of your meds. Though they’re not actual medicine, they’re what you have right now and you can make them work! They’re made of metal and that is strong! Your body should start healing at any moment.

Perform gun-based surgery.

If the six-figure cost of an emergency room visit would bankrupt you, but you need immediate surgery to live, perform gun-based surgery – a type of surgical procedure executed with and by a gun. Gun-based surgery is completely free minus the cost of the gun, which you can buy at most Wal-mart for under $100. Ideally, you will perform the surgery with a bayonet or some type of gun with a sharp point, although really any gun will do. This surgery has a 3% survival rate, which is better than the not surgery you have access to without healthcare. Guns can heal you, and that’s why we protect them more than the human right to accessible healthcare!

Become a gun.

When all other options fail, become a gun, or at least a half-woman, half-gun cyborg. You can do this simply by turning yourself into a metal tool designed to hurt others, and within minutes legislation should be signed to protect your existence. The only downside is that you will have to live the rest of your life as a weapon rather than a person, but under this administration, that might not be so bad!

If you’ve already lost healthcare or are at risk of losing healthcare, don’t panic! At least you will always have access to guns, so follow these gun-based healing tips to ensure you stay healthy. Sometimes you just have to use what you’ve got!