The government has told Britons not to “panic buy” amid coronavirus fears, but many are doing the opposite, stocking up on food and toilet paper.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is among those who has succumbed to Coronavirus hysteria, and has joined fellow ‘toilet paper’ hoarders, buying an additional dozen servants to wipe his arse for him.

Rees-Mogg has doubled his existing ‘arsewipe entourage’, to ensure that, if the situation worsens, he’ll still be able to avoid wiping his own anus. This is something he hasn’t done since 1987, when he fell during a game of polo and lounded in such a way that his fingers managed to wedge themselves between his buttocks.

Rees-Mogg has encouraged others to follow his lead and recruit as many extra ‘arsewipes’ as possible, stating that most families must have “At least two or three” already.

The elite harem of arsewipers are currently stationed in the five spare rooms at Rees-Mogg’s Gournay Court residence, and will spend the next few weeks on a rotating shift of cleaning up for the MP after his various bowel movements, which are both constant and chaotic, due to a diet entirely based on 19th century cuisine.

The government has said there is no reason for anybody to stockpile.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson told citizens that “There is no need for the people you send out to do your shopping to get more than you need.”