138. The Doll (Episode 127 — 7.17)

The Doll doesn’t really do it for me. So the doll looks like George’s mother. Big deal. Maybe it’s the addition of Kathy Griffin’s character, but this episode just isn’t that great. The only real laugh out loud moment for me in this one is Kramer, Frank and the Maestro playing pool. Even then, it’s not really enough to salvage the episode.

137. The Betrayal (Episode 164 — 9.8)

The Betrayal is otherwise known as “the backwards episode,” and honestly, it’s nothing special. George is mad at Jerry for having sex with a girl he likes, Elaine goes to India(??) and brings Jerry and George for a wedding of a friend she hates. I mean the idea isn’t bad and I feel like this could’ve worked for another show or maybe Larry David could have made it work, but it just doesn’t seem right. It’s a bit off.

136. The Apartment (Episode 10 – 2.5)

Jerry makes the mistake of allowing Elaine to move in above him, prompting him to get in an argument with George over who is the bigger idiot. This leads to one of my personal favorite lines in the show, with George proclaiming himself ‘lord of the idiots’ until a new contender suddenly emerges. This episode is also the first instance of Elaine’s ‘get out!’ and has George and Jerry discusses the ‘home bed advantage.’

135. The Parking Space (Episode 39 – 3.22)

George and Mike “that Michael Jordan is so phony” Moffitt get into a fight over who deserves a parking spot. It’s a little too drawn out for my liking and kind of silly, even for a Seinfeld episode. Normally, I would side with George in that the backer-in has the right of way, but there looked like plenty of room and George was just talking while sitting way too far ahead (am I really analyzing this?).

134. The Diplomats Club (Episode 108 — 6.22)

Ugh. The end of Season 6 was going out on such a high note then this episode happens. I’m not sure if it’s Debra Jo Rupp’s annoying character, Jerry in Ithaca, the lack of George throughout the episode or what but I don’t like this one. The only really noteworthy thing was Mr. Pitt firing Elaine because he thought Jerry tried to poison him. Anyway, the image of Newman double dating with Son of Sam got me, while George saying “I would’ve marched in Selma if it was on Long Island” made me pause the video because I love that line so much. Otherwise, it doesn’t match the rest of Season 6.

133. The Pen (Episode 20 – 3.3)

STELLA!!! I’m not sure what makes Elaine’s scream so funny, but I laugh every time I watch the episode. Morty and Jack Klompus’ argument over the astronaut pen is something I feel everyone can relate to and Seinfeld finds the humor in having old people argue (something they do more often as the seasons progress). It’s strange not having George and Kramer in the episode, but it’s not horrible.

132. The Apology (Episode 165 — 9.9)

The episode that teaches us the difference between good naked and bad naked. But really, The Apology is about James Spader not wanting to apologize to George for having a big head. Again, I feel like they’re reaching at this point. It just doesn’t seem like a storyline that can drive an episode.

131. The Nap (Episode 152 — 8.18)

The Nap is another one of these Season 8 episodes that’s just a bit too ridiculous. Who is this Conrad character and why the hell does he agree to make a home out of George’s desk? Why does he make a whole new kitchen for Jerry? Why does Steinbrenner not know his grandkids names? I really just can’t get into Season 8, if you couldn’t tell already.

130. The Wizard (Episode 171 — 9.15)

Kramer moving to Florida and running for condo President as a puppet figure behind Morty is just the sort of ridiculous storyline you’d expect from Season 9. I do like the silly Larry David headlines they put in each issue of the “Boca Breeze,” but really it’s another one of those episodes that make you miss Larry or think the show should’ve ended a year or two earlier. Elaine’s “black” boyfriend storyline is meh, until he says he’s white and they both agree to go to GAP because it’s what white people do.

129. The Summer Of George (Episode 156 — 8.22)

Sure this episode has name memorability, but am I likely to watch it again if it’s on TBS? Eh, probably not. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like Raquel Welch beating up people more than most others, but it’s just got no pizazz. The “dude” storyline and George working as Jerry’s relationship helper isn’t that great and Molly Shannon not swinging her arms is not doing it for me. However, Kramer’s seat-filler job is worth a couple laughs, especially when he smacks a guy in the back of the head after chewing on some jerky.

128. The Susie (Episode 149 — 8.15)

Believe it or not, George isn’t at home so leave a message at the beep. How else would this episode be memorable if not for the greatest answering machine of all-time? The answer is it wouldn’t be. The Susie really isn’t funny, with the exception of Mike Moffitt coming back, breaking his thumbs and Jerry laughing maniacally with Elaine while Mike is in the trunk. Yeah, it’s a typical Season 8 episode.

127. The Letter (Episode 38 – 3.21)

This is the episode that gives us ‘The Kramer,’ the wonderful painting by the woman from The 40 Year Old Virgin. Meanwhile, the rest of the episode is all right, with Jerry finding out his girlfriend stole the breakup letter she wrote to him from Neil Simon’s Chapter Two. Elaine also wears an Orioles hat in the Owner’s Box but refuses to take it off. Personally, I side with the people telling her to take it off.

126. The Note (Episode 18 – 3.1)

Upon re-watching, I had completely forgotten how homophobic George was. He wants a note for a massage, during a massage he “thinks it moved” and spends the whole episode trying to prove he’s straight. Kramer sees Joe Dimaggio dunk his donut at Dinky Donuts and George has one of the most underrated lines in the show, “I’ve never been happy…maybe in college.” This episode is also the only one with vocals in the ‘intro,’ with the singers saying what sounds like “easy to beat.” Overall, a solid episode, but nothing spectacular.

125. The Phone Message (Episode 9 – 2.4)

An episode best known for getting the song ‘Lemon Tree’ stuck in your head or to scream ‘tippy toe!’ when someone approaches. This is also the first episode where we really see both George and Jerry in their natural state around women. George is completely neurotic and tries to change the answering machine before a woman gets home. Jerry breaks up with a girl because she likes the cotton Dockers commercial. Both resemble break-ups of the two in the future. The episode also features a very relatable moment regarding the male population’s obliviousness to women hitting on them when George does not go up for coffee because ‘it keeps me up at night.’

124. The Bookstore (Episode 173 — 9.17)

George gets caught pooping with a book, Kramer wants to hook the homeless up to a rickshaw, it’s usually Season 9 stuff. I’ve really got nothing else to say about this episode. I’m kind of sick of writing about Season 9, actually.

123. The Finale (Episode 179 & 180)

This is probably going to be the longest write-up because it’s The Finale. I defended The Finale for a long time. I really enjoyed how they brought everyone back and it’s basically a second clip show. However, it just kind of drags on and it’s almost a dramedy, with no real jokes or building up to anything. I mean is the best thing they could think of this stupid “good samaritan” law? Like we knew they were horrible human beings, but is them being arrested in the end really the best way to go? I do enjoy how Elaine tries to call someone on a cell phone and it’s considered rude because it’s 1998 and cell phones are still in their infancy. I also enjoy how the man who replaced Russell/Rita at NBC is Boon from Animal House. Finally, I know it’s not a joke everyone’s going to get, but Frank screaming at Steinbrenner about giving “12 million dollars to Hideki Irabu” gets me every time. It’s even funnier because over the next 10 years, you could pretty much fill anyone else in Irabu’s spot. Alright, enough with the Yankees (for now).

122. The Red Dot (Episode 29 – 3.12)

Hennigan’s – No Tell, No Smell Scotch. Kramer’s impromptu acting on Hennigan’s is easily the most memorable part of this episode. The Red Dot also solidifies George’s cheapness as he hears the cashmere sweater is marked down $515 because of the red dot. It also solidifies George’s lack of awareness as he has sex with the cleaning woman on his desk. I always felt a little uncomfortable about Elaine’s alcoholic boyfriend, though…

121. The Hot Tub (Episode 115 — 7.5)

Ah, Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul. The marathon runner who was screwed by Jerry because of Kramer’s hot tub. Why does Jerry force one of the best marathon runners in the world to sleep on the couch? You have to sacrifice your bed for the guy if he’s going to run a marathon. Anyway, George is very helpful to everyone ever in this episode by teaching us that looking annoyed all the time makes it look like you’re busy. It really does work.

120. The Strongbox (Episode 170 — 9.14)

Who would’ve thought during the first couple seasons that Kramer and Jerry would be digging up a dead bird? Yeah, I wasn’t enthralled with this episode either. George can’t break up with his girlfriend so he tries to date another one who’s always tan and looks like “a carrot.” The whole ‘guy lives near Jerry but Jerry keeps him out of the building’ storyline is a bit flat. It’s not like they ran out of ideas, but it almost feels like they ran out of ideas.

119. The Chaperone (Episode 87 – 6.1)

Jerry is dating a Miss America contestant (which seems weird looking back on it, maybe the girls are just younger now) and kills her doves, of course. We meet Mr. Pitt for the first time after Jujyfruits cause Pendant Publishing to go under. George makes the great suggestion of having the Yankees wear cotton uniforms, which end up shrinking, of course. We also see Buck Showalter, who will later be fired on Seinfeld…

118. The Old Man (Episode 58 – 4.18)

The Old Man is one of those episodes that seems like it’d be good upon re-watch, but then I can’t get into it. The gang (with the exception of Kramer) all watches old people who drive them crazy or are driven crazy by the gang. Jerry’s old guy bites Kramer (what is it with Kramer being bitten in this series?) and we learn that Sergio Mendez can’t walk down the street in South America. Newman is revealed as a USPS worker and that goiter is a lot less funny to me than everyone else, I guess.

117. The Cartoon (Episode 169 — 9.13)

Elaine steals a cartoon, but is that really enough to name the episode about it? It’s nothing special. Kramer trying to be silent is all right, but could have been done better, kind of like him in the skinny jeans. The George dating a female Jerry storyline is just creepy to me. And as annoying as Kathy Griffin is, it’s great when Newman comes up to her as her biggest fan and says it’s great to see a show that’s “about something.”

116. The Suicide (Episode 32 – 3.15)

We’re introduced to Wayne Knight, which is immediately followed by Jerry saying “Hello, Newman.” Jerry’s neighbor Martin tries to commit suicide and his girlfriend tries to get with Jerry, but the champion of the episode has to be Drake’s Coffee Cakes. My dad used to buy ‘the big boy’ for me because it’s one of his favorite moments. I also noticed a couple minor continuity errors – 1. Jerry says George’s father is bald (the actor who originally played Frank was bald, but Jerry Stiller obviously is not. 2. Kramer knows you can come out of a coma in this episode, but later learns that you can come out of a coma in “The Comeback.”

115. The Deal (Episode 14 – 2.9)

The Deal has a little bit of this and a bit of that. It tells us what we already know: that friends with benefits never work. However, Seinfeld always does everything a little differently than everyone else and the conversation laying down the ground rules to “the deal” – the wording, the delivery and the tension – makes the episode stand out over others.

114. The Pilot (Episodes 62 & 63 – 4.23 & 4.24)

This is a long episode, both in actual time and how long it felt to watch. By this point in Season 4, I’m just glad Russell and Joe Davola are gone for good. Sure, Kramer being constipated is funny and bald Jeremy Piven playing George is fantastic, but it doesn’t really stick out like the other two-parters, at least not on re-watch. My favorite part of the episode is when all the Season 4 characters are watching the pilot but Newman is asleep watching the Yankee game. Then again, I’m just a big fan of when the show uses New York sports teams.

113. The Comeback (Episode 147 — 8.13)

Another game for Milos!!! Sure, the Jerk Store called and they’re running out of you, but this episode doesn’t really have it. The idea that you think of a comeback much later than when you can use it is relatable, but this is a dumb story even for George. Another thing that bothers me about this episode is the Elaine story with the movies and her going for Gene picks vs. Vincent picks. I feel like Julia’s talents were better used in earlier episodes but the stories just became silly by the end of the run. Also, since when does Jerry play tennis?

112. The Gymnast (Episode 92 – 6.5)

I don’t really have much to say about The Gymnast. George eats trash, Jerry dates a gymnast, Kramer tries to pass a kidney stone and Elaine makes Mr. Pitt look like Hitler. That’s all I’ve got. Really.

111. The Movie (Episode 54 – 4.14)

A mediocre episode compared to the rest of Season 4. Sure we learn about Rochelle, Rochelle – the story of a young girl’s strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk – but otherwise, it’s somewhat lackluster. Kramer gets his Papaya King hot dog (which I still need to try) and it’s another episode that wouldn’t work today because the group could just easily text each other (that doesn’t knock the episode down, just an observation, one that basically everyone has made). Pat Buckles is meant to get on Jerry’s nerves, but he gets on mine, essentially ruining the episode.

110. The Fix-Up (Episode 33 – 3.16)

The Fix-Up has the long conversation about how George and Cynthia would be a good fit to date each other. It’s also the first episode where the crowd claps for Kramer’s entrance, something the show’s crew didn’t like at all. George gives us the classic line of “my boys can swim.” Overall, it’s a good episode with decent moments here and there but somewhat middle of the road.

109. The Smelly Car (Episode 61 – 4.22)

The Smelly Car is a silly idea, but realistically, how can a car smell that bad? It just didn’t seem overly realistic (not that many episodes of Seinfeld are). It seemed to be missing something, with the whole episode revolving around trying to get rid of this stench and the minor plotline of Susan becoming a lesbian. This episode just didn’t do it for me.

108. The Secretary (Episode 95 – 6.8)

Only George would hire a secretary for her looks because she’s unattractive, then still have sex with her. Not only that, only George would blurt out I’m giving you a raise. Anyway, we finally see George Steinbrenner’s office, which is the location of plenty of classic moments throughout the later seasons of the show. One minor note: the Demi Moore conversation (“I’ve never heard of a sem-ee tractor trailer”) is a great one and a good point by George.

107. The Café (Episode 24 – 3.7)

The Café is our introduction to Babu Bhatt and a solid episode at that. George lies about his IQ and has Elaine take the test but chaos ensues when they take the test at The Dream Café. Elaine eventually gets a 151 (Stephen Hawking is 160 btw), but the beauty comes with George’s ability to lie his way through how his test had food all over it.

106. The Serenity Now (Episode 159 — 9.3)

Serenity Now!!! For an episode with Frank and Estelle Costanza, this episode should blow me out of the water, but it doesn’t. Like you’d think an episode focusing on the two of them would be amazing, but it’s just…not. It’s still great how Frank screams “serenity now” instead of saying it like he’s likely supposed to because it’s Frank. Also, Kramer’s Anytown, USA doesn’t really make sense to me. Just seems like a weird side story.

105. The Gum (Episode 120 — 7.10)

I’m with George — I don’t really care for Lloyd Braun, especially this new one who is different than the original and appears in The Hartford commercials. Anyway, we finally learn Ruthie Cohen’s name (I actually liked her and wish they’d used her more) and George seems insane because of Lloyd Braun, which is a pretty clever plotline that I enjoyed. Otherwise, the episode is just ok. Nothing too special.

104. The English Patient (Episode 151 — 8.17)

Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Thank goodness Lloyd Bridges was discovered as a comedic actor because he’s fantastic at it. The whole idea of a group of old men who think they can outlift Jerry is so silly. Plus you have Kramer cooking his sauce without a shirt and can’t think of a color to lie about his shirt being. I always found that scene so oddly Kramer. Anyway, the final scene with the terrorists on the plane — I don’t think I’ve seen that in syndication since 9/11. I might be wrong, though.

103. The Maid (Episode 175 — 9.19)

Hey, I’m on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. I really don’t like the maid/prostitute idea, nor do I like the whole Kramer faxing menus to Elaine’s. However, George attempting to be called T-Bone and the incessant mocking he receives from Kruger and company is pretty hilarious. Daniel von Bargen (RIP) did a great job in that role playing an uninterested and dim-witted boss, but he also teaches us how real mental health issues are.

102. The Millennium (Episode 154 — 8.20)

This episode has good (Body Suit Man & the introduction of Kramer’s alias H.E.Pennypacker) and bad (Putumayo — I hate that storyline — and the answering machine “ranking” with Jerry’s girlfriend Lorelai Gilmore). Meanwhile, George is being interviewed for the Mets Head of Scouting position. First, why would George be interviewed by Head of Scouting when he literally did nothing with the Yankees? Second, why would the meeting be at Monk’s of all places? I know, I take this show too literally. Also, saxophone.

101. The Van Buren Boys (Episode 148 — 8.14)

Last night I had a dream that a hamburger was eating me! This is another episode in a run of fairly average episodes in Season 8. Jerry is dating Christine Taylor (who is married to Ben Stiller, thus Jerry Stiller is her father-in-law, I’m so jealous) and he doesn’t see a flaw in her even though everyone else does. I really, really dislike this storyline because it doesn’t make any sense! Also, Kramer sells his stories to Peterman (which will lead to the J. Peterman Reality Tour). The one thing that stands out to me about this episode is Kramer slipping on a golf ball, afterwards Michael Richards falls up, something he talked about in the DVDs.

100. The Dinner Party (Episode 77 – 5.13)

Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie. Just thinking about Jerry holding up the black and white cookie to the black guy across the bakery makes me laugh every time. George wants to bring pepsi and ring dings instead of wine and babka, but Elaine is sold on the babka. Jerry’s vomit streak breaks, George and Kramer see who they think is Saddam Hussein and you’ll win the pennant with hair for phlegm. That’s all there really is to this episode.