Cereal Review: Chocolate Frosted Flakes

Posted November 5th, 2011 | 6:19pm by Adam

Every couple of weeks an 84-year old man named Tom drives me 45 minutes to the nearest town. After speeding down country and mountain roads in a beatup, stick-driven pickup truck, Tom and I (God willing) typically arrive in the parking lot of Walmart.

And so begins the dash.

Tom has his routine, and needless to say, it doesn’t involve taking his time in the cereal aisle. Besides, who am I to mess with the routine of an 84-year old World War II vet?

So I dash. Or rather, I walk extremely quickly and frantically, overwhelmed by end-caps and flatscreen advertisements as I attempt to spot the latest and greatest in the world of limited-time only food products in the amount of time it takes Tom to grab his New York Times and whatever other old-guy stuff he wants. Typically speaking, I come into the “dash” with a plan, and execute that plan accordingly. Obviously I make sure I hit up all the essentials — chip aisle, check; canned fish aisle, check — but last week I was thrown for a major loop. Or Flake, that is, because I’ve yet to see the coveted chocolate covered Froot Loops that tease me in my dreams.

But I did see Chocolate Frosted Flakes, or rather, Choco Zucaritas. With a bold and inviting “NUEVO!” above the outstretched “number one” finger of Tony the Tiger (or Antonio el Tigre), I was, for a moment, completely taken by surprise. So surprised that I almost forgot about my dash-imposed time limit, recovering with just enough ticking seconds to left to grab a box and make for the exit like a football playing tiger making for the endzone.

Fortunately I made Tom’s deadline, but as I anxiously awaited the long-looked forward to first bowl of this bilingual bounty of milled corn and high fructose corn syrup, I admitted to myself that I was probably getting my hopes up. I’ve met good — but not GRRRREEEAAT — chocolate cereals before, and remembering a less than stellar review of the autentico Mexican version of Chocolate Frosted Flakes from my esteemed colleague Leandra Palermo, I hesitated to think my high hopes would be met with “ambiguous tasting” mediocrity.

Being the “meh, milk” cereal eater I am, my first taste of Chocolate Frosted Flakes came as my first taste of actual Frosted Flakes came some 17 or 18 years ago. The “hand to cereal box” method may not be the way to a complete breakfast, but hey, I wasn’t in it for the essential vitamins and minerals anyways. Taste-wise, those first bites were everything I could have asked for. The chocolate flavor is more than respectable, and a slightly oily sheen (my guess coming from the palm kernel oil) lent an element of donut-glaze like lickability to the already rot-your-teeth-out sweetness level. As for that sweetness, it’s good old-fashioned Frosted Flakes at its finest, with a sturdy crunch and burst of cocoa flavor. All things considered, the sheen of the flakes reminded me quite fondly of the now discontinued Frosted Flakes Gold, providing the sensation of dissolving sugar and cocoa on my tongue.

Practically giddy with excitement — or, perhaps more likely, a serious sugar high — I eagerly anticipated a more civilized breakfast of Chocolate Frosted Flakes the next morning. That’s when things started to go down hill. It started with actually measuring the serving size out. Everyone knows that the actual cereal serving size on the label is smaller than your standard bowl, but for whatever reasons, 30 grams of Frosted Flakes always seems to be a lot smaller than a standard bowl. All things considered, a serving is just a handful of flakes. Now, as for the milk. With a strong cocoa flavor and chocolate sheen, I was expected a solid transfer of chocolatey sugar into the milk. That transfer was disappointing, however, with the chocolate coating dissolving into the milk, but the sweetness remaining in the flakes. What you’re left with is a disjointed cereal experience, essentially reducing one to eating Frosted Flakes in a brown but otherwise flavorless milk. To be sure, Frosted Flakes of all kinds take on an especially pleasing sogginess in milk, but when it comes to rendering a slurp worthy end-milk, Chocolate Frosted Flakes do nothing for me. All in all, a really enjoyable snacking cereal and a fine way for me to learn Spanish, but not quite the holy grail of chocolate kids cereals.

Adam’s Cereal Ranking Index: Chocolate Frosted Flakes

Sweetness: 9.25/10

Flavor: 7.50/10

Snackability: 9.00/10

Healthy Junk: N/A

End Milk: 3.00/10

Nostalgia: 7.00/10

Final Score: 7.15/10

Past Cereal Reviews

Past Cereal Reviews:

[Count Chocula][Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch] [Chocolate Lucky Charms] [Waffle Crisp] [Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch] [Chocolatey Frosted Mini Spooners] [Honey Graham Trackers] [Cinnabon] [Marshmallow Pebbles] [Fiber One Caramel Delight] [Kashi Honey Sunshine]