SCIENCE fiction conventions are attracting more hard bastards than football matches, it has emerged.

A clash between costumed fans in Norwich has highlighted the growing phenomenon of SF hooliganism, with violent deaths now occurring at most conventions.

Millwall-supporter-turned-Whovian Stephen Malley said: “Science fiction is just like the football used to be – factional violence, DIY weapons and mostly blokes – plus the costumes disguise your identity.

“I’m Who til I die and if any fucking Trekkie thinks theirs is the leading genre series then we’ve got a problem.

“But it’s those Tron bastards I really hate. Those glow in-the-dark twats had a convention in Stoke, we got in through the fire exit and were waiting for them in the canteen, I broke my fist on some home-made body armour.”

He continued: “There was another do up North that was supposed to be combined Doctor Who, Star Wars and Babylon 5 – ‘bringing three worlds together’. Yeah bollocks, like that’s not going to kick off.

“Me and two cybermen got this wookiee pinned against the fag machine. I was going to shank him with my sonic screwdriver – basically a stanley knife – when all these stormtroopers pile in.

“There was this zygon, he was in a bad way, bleeding from a head wound. I wrapped my Tom Baker scarf around it but he died in my arms.

“It would have been a massacre except a bunch of hobbits turned up and started twatting everyone with sticks. They’re alright, the Rings lot.

“We lost a lot of good men that day, although on the plus side I did get a signed photograph of K9 creator Bob Baker.”