As I write this, Avengers Endgame is out in theatres in its second week. Disney has announced somewhere in the range of twenty more movies, and the internet's clickbait still wants to show me the same three pictures of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow . Defying all odds, comic book movies, particularly Marvel properties, continue to run the game and fill seats. With a backlog of interconnected canon and behind the scenes happenings, it makes for fashionable "movie blogging." Unfortunately, that's not really the kind of shit that I usually cover here. It's a little mainstream, and there's a good chance I would end up sounding like an angry old nerd. There are, however, plenty of crime fighters that I would discuss here, so in the spirit of grand team-ups, I have put together an all-star fantasy team more on my level. I call it...

Trashtastic Team-Up: 7 cult superheroes that need to join forces





Even before Disney acquired the ingredients to perfect money making alchemy, there was a shit ton of comic book influenced cinema. To keep it simple, I whittled my list down to seven members and omitted officially licensed comic characters that have had cult or "b movies" over the years like The Punisher The Phantom , and The Fantastic Four . It's also not a definitive list of fringe superheroes or even necessarily my favorites, just who I personally think would make an entertaining, well rounded, B-team super-squad.

Doctor Mordrid

Shut-in criminal psychologist/grumpy landlord Anton Mordrid ( Jeffrey Combs ) is secretly a powerful wizard sent to our realm to protect the sorcerer's stone and prevent the gates of hell from opening. Kids are spoiled now. In my day we didn't have a legit Dr. Strange film, we had Doctor Mordrid, and we fucking liked it. Well, I did anyway.

Origins:

Doctor Mordrid (1992) was conceived as an official adoption of the Marvel comic, but when the license expired before production, the project was slightly retooled with some name changes. Though now, it may seem like a poorly aimed precursor to Asylum-type marketing, the Full Moon property is a lot of fun and beat the pants off the made for T.V. official film that we had before it (though that one has its merits as well). Combs is gold in literally everything, and despite not respringing for the official rights, the film shows surprising love for its (unofficial) source material.

Powers and Abilities:

Master of magic, expert on spooky shit

Role in Team:



IMDB / WIKI / On Amazon



Untrademarked sorcerer supreme

Toxic Avenger

Everyone's favorite bullied teen turned lumpy nuclear do-gooder is probably the most obvious pick on the list. He is a patriarch of trashy mutant heroes, confusing parents since 1984. He even had a fucking cartoon show and toyline when I was a kid. In more ways than one, he would be my fantasy team’s Captain America, if Captain America squished heads and punched holes in people.

Origins:

Powers and Abilities:

Super strength, sporadic invulnerability, handy with a mop, can piss acid

Role in Team:



IMDB / WIKI / On Amazon



De-facto leader and team pretty-boy

The Black Scorpion

Undermined cop by day, leather-clad vigilante by night, Darcy ( Joan Severance ) is determined to rid her city of organized crime in retribution for her father's death. Donning a modified dominatrix outfit, the take-no-shit brawler dispatches goons with a Batman-like collection of toys provided by her mechanic (Garrett Morris), all while making time for steamy anonymous romance with her partner Bruce Abbott

Origins:

Powers and Abilities:

Highly skilled fighter, police department connections, comes with Alfred like engineer sidekick

Role in Team:



IMDB / WIKI / On Amazon



Stealthy ass-kicker and helps fill the leather quota

Wade and The Mandroid Unit

When it isn't in the hands of evil disgruntled scientist Drago, Mandroid is the handy robotic avatar of the wheelchair-bound ex C.I.A. agent Wade ( Brian Cousins ). Together with his homie Benjamin Knight ( Michael Della Femina ), who can turn invisible (but doesn't like it), the two fend off the attacks of Drago ( Curt Lowens ) and his goons, when not macking on each other's girlfriends and fucking up science experiments.

Origins:

Powers and Abilities:

Sluggish metal appendages, gun hands, inconsistent technical abilities, shitty luck

Role in Team:



IMDB / WIKI / On Amazon



Metal man who overcomes adversity with expensive robotics

Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.

Last time we saw Harry Griswold aka Sgt. Kabukiman in a full-length movie he had taken a turn for the worse and his drinking had become a severe issue ( Citizen Toxie, 2000 ), leading to some awkward moments between him and Toxie. I assume things are going at least a little better as he currently hosts a lounge themed YouTube show . I see the potential for a Winter Soldier thing going on there, only with increasingly greasy behavior and substance abuse as opposed to a metal arm, some mascara, and a new edgy persona.

Origins:

Sgt. Kabukiman was the product of a strange partnership between Namco and Troma , which ended awkwardly with his stunted PG-13 debut in 1993 . Despite being a trusted rental favorite and giving the world the original Troma Car Crash , Kabukiman never received the acclaim of his more famous labelmate. Although he has made several cameos since then, he has yet to see a real sequel for his inauguration film.

Powers and Abilities:

Flight, can pull (possibly offensive) cartoon weaponry from thin air, narcism

Role in Team:

Problematic teammate

The Double-D Avenger

The movie itself is mostly bad puns about boobs, homemade generic costumes, and PG-13 strippers, but the idea of a modern-day Kitten Natividad kicking the shit out of bad guys brings me great joy.

Origins:

Powers and Abilities:

Superhuman strength, possibly more (She mostly just used her bust in some way, which works well enough), dildo sword fighting skills

Role in Team:



IMDB / WIKI / On Amazon



Classic caped crusader with overpowered, exaggerated features

The Meteor Man

After being hospitalized by a chance encounter with a space-rock and a dumpster, school teacher Jefferson Reed ( Robert Townsend ) develops a plethora of powers which he then uses for random acts of community service. My team needs a moral compass, and a super-powered district employee with a “eat healthily and brush your teeth” kind of attitude fits the bill nicely. It was either him or Bibleman . I rented the shit out of Meteor Man’s tape back in the day, and I don't fucking trust Bibleman.

Origins:

Powers and Abilities:

Many-- (including but not limited to) X-Ray vision, healing factor, unbelievably effective community outreach

Role in Team:

Resident Paladin and walking P.S.A. with a cape

Even though Shared universes are big stuff these days, I'm unlikely to ever see a crossover event with a group like this. It would take a collaborative effort from several studios along the lines of Who Framed Roger Rabbit with more cleavage and the addition of human blood. But then again, I never thought I would see an Avengers movie either, and here we are. If a series of Marvel movies had come out at this scale in 1998, little RevTerry would have shit himself and died of excitement. There is a decent chance Disney will own every intellectual property soon, and that will dissolve some of the potential hurdles. Shit, if it made money, the "House of Mouse" would probably guarantee the release of one a year with supplemental material. I hear they are even going to let Deadpool keep swearing after the FOX merger. On second thought--please don't let them take any more superheroes.



Who would you include on your cult film hero dream team? Who would you leave off? How do you feel about the current state of comic book films? If I let you touch my comic collection would you wash your hands first? Let me know in the comments below.



