EXPERTS today warned of the consequences of superfast internet crashing headlong into Britain’s superslow brains.

As the government pledged high speed broadband for everyone in the UK by 2015, scientists said it would simply allow morons to be much faster at being dense.

Dr Tom Logan, from Reading University, said: “With traditional internet it can take up to half an hour to disseminate a typically cretinous British idea or opinion.

“Superfast broadband will mean that Britain could be having the most nauseatingly idiotic conversation with itself just milliseconds after someone has failed to read beyond the first paragraph of a news story about immigrants.”

He added: “Some people say that high speed internet access will open up a world of knowledge to ordinary citizens and make them smarter. But those people are talking shit.

“What is going to happen is that the last unconnected bastard will be plugged into the great arse-matrix while those that were already on it will be able to spray their mind-piss across the wall of civilisation with even greater force and urgency.”

But the move has been welcomed by retailers and online criminals. A spokesman for the British Chambers of Commerce said: “This is vital to economic growth. Shut up. Yes it is.”

Meanwhile the Association of Bulgarian Internet Gangsters said its members should be able to empty the current accounts of up to 3000 British morons a second, most of whom are likely to open a fake email from a bank they don’t even belong to.