GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat. “It’s terrifying to think that House and Senate seats can be obtained by pretty much any maniac who meets a really easy minimum age requirement,” said Farley, 46, adding that when the Founding Fathers conceived Congress, they surely did not envision the kind of “disturbed and dangerous lunatics” who would seek out elected office or the massive power they would wield. “You can get your hands on one of these seats with no mental health assessment, no wait period, and no real training. It keeps me up at night knowing that some madman can just waltz in and get a seat, not to mention an even more powerful committee chairmanship. Unless we make some major changes and soon, more and more people are going to get hurt.” At press time, Congress still had 535 seats and there was no serious plan to reduce their availability to the public.

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