I don’t give up easily but here lately I’m testing those waters. I’m not really a drinker per say, even though I am of Irish descent. I wonder what happened to that part of me, who fights a good fight til the end like an Irishman, so stubborn. But between having to keep one eye and ear on Dusty while doing the same over James I’ve almost seemed to lose site of my own resemblance. I know you have to take care of oneself in order to truly look after those you love but it is honestly at times truly a hard thing to do.

I bear no fault on no one but myself. James can’t see or hear himself at night while sleeping. I’ve fought so hard to get him the care he needs. In some ways he is in full denial of his weaknesses. Not unlike those who he shares that distinguished title of veteran. They can’t show weakness. They say on one side to show weakness it’s nothing less of a man BUT in war that could mean the beginning of the end. You can’t show the enemy you have a side of weakness because that will be the side of you they attack. Just like a bully, criminal or anyone trying to find a way to attack they all look for the side of weakness. Now don’t assume my words are a comparison to those who have distinguished themselves in war, to those who think it’s fine to take something they didn’t rightfully earn themselves. They have no comparison. Those who prey on the weak to benefit themselves have no value in my eyes. Their actions have spoken so loud that it would take a multitude of selfless actions to change my mind. I forgive those who have done me wrong in my own way. But there are some who still remain on a list so shitty one would dare breath the foul stench. I do not apologize for those chosen few who have wronged me once too many. Those few who have wronged those who I hold so dear. They have cursed their own souls. Or they have done the most disrespectful act upon me that it took something I held so dear away and can never feel as whole as I once did. I find it hard to look at those in any other way.

For those who do not completely understand just what it feels like to have someone prey on you…. They seem to have no soul to look through while those actions are being committed. Like looking at a doll that just stares back at you with no action or reaction.

I have been in one of those “moods” that I can’t fully finish one task to the next. I’m tired just from being tired.

I have to try to make sure both James and Dusty are ok while attempting to recharge myself. Just how do I do that?

To top that off Dusty has an IQ/developmental test that was supposed to be testing him but instead all the paperwork has been put on me. Questions, that only he could answer and I’m having to answer it like I know what is in his head. I can’t ask him those questions because it sort of “plants an answer” in his head and he just agrees rather than fully understanding what I am asking. Yeah you can try to explain it to him all you want to but you will never really know if he just guessed or just gave you something he thought you wanted to hear. I even sent pictures of the paperwork to Kayla to try to get her help and even she replied, “this is hard.” Yeah I know Kayla that’s why I needed your help. So….I’m left with questions that really do not give you a true understanding of his mental state.

So please hang in there with me…between all of that Kayla was hit by a drunk driver…thank God she wasn’t hurt but the guy sure as heck felt he had it all under control. Then as she called 911 as myself and James told her to the guy gets pissed. He started getting aggressive. Kayla pulled out her stun gun and warned him a few times that if he kept approaching her in the same aggressive nature that she would use it on him. Her boyfriend thankfully showed up but seemed to further piss off the guy. The cops came and after reporting dismissed Kayla while he still dealt with the other driver. We are now just waiting to see what the outcome of all that is. The car on the other hand ended up in the shop for more than a week. Funny because the guy tried to bribe his way out of it that night and actually wrote a check out for $500 to cover what he said was only “$500 worth of damages”

All in one day…oh well on to the next adventure while still trying to finish the one before.

Isn’t life just grand? 😉

I’m just thankful I’m still strong enough to somehow hold it altogether even if I really want to fall apart.

I will still remain SMILING.