Not the bad, it’s all the same to me

Not the good that others have done to me

Today, they begin with you.” Edith Piaf, the song, “Je ne regrette rien”

It took a trip to the side of town where I used to live 9 years ago to understand that the past is recorded in my soul and it only needs an external event to trigger it out. Some regrets came to the surface of consciousness but forgiveness jumped in to help and brought joy instead.

The city – unchartered map of personal life stages

The other day I had some errands to do in a part of town where I used to live at the time when I was studying for my PhD. Since the weather was generous with us, I said to my toddler, “Let’s take a walk in this neighbourhood.”

When we were crossing the park that I used to see every day on my way to the campus, a heavy feeling nested in my chest. “This park was one of the few daily joys at that time.” I mentioned to my son, relieved that he does not quite understand what mommy is blabbering.

Feelings, which I thought were long forgotten, stormed in. If it wasn’t for the company of my child, I would have sworn I was back in time.

I’ve moved house quite a few times, and each time I moved in a new flat, I started a new stage of my life. Most likely, if I visited other neighbourhoods where I lived, I would tap into the emotional life that I had at the respective time.

I used to believe that as we grow and learn our lessons from sufferance, our soul forgets the bad and rejoices the good.

I don’t know how you are, but it appears that my soul is similar to computer databases. If the latter stores business transactions, my soul is storing the emotions lived.

Good or bad, they are both imprinted inside and it takes time and spiritual strength to move closer to the state of being of peacefulness and acceptance of the past.

Regrets, there are a few. They shall be mentioned, should I cross my way with the persons I was unjust with.

But, past is past and our life is in the present. And my present is my son.

In order to fully embrace the present, forgiveness towards ourselves can help us heal the wounds caused by regrets.

Would you like to turn back the time?

If you can’t truly forgive yourself, in your fantasies, you can turn back the time if you want to. Live imageries where you apologise from your heart. You can cry, or smash some dishes in the kitchen. Then, return to your present.

Most likely, the present holds its own challenges. Life becomes way too complex if we carry the burden of the past to entangle it with the hardships of the present.

Comparing life stages just to make a point that we are better off or worse off in the present is such a waste of energy.

It does not matter if we were happier or more miserable 5 years ago. It matters that we are here and now and we need to do our best with our emotions, intellectual and spiritual abilities to live the now.

At the end of this life, I’d like to be able to say wholeheartedly, “I did my best to live beautifully!” The emotions and thoughts recorded in my personal database would stand as clear evidence.