Seeing my body morph into something different than what I’ve looked at for the last 25 years is scary. Maybe I would feel differently if I had planned for this. If I looked at my life and said, “okay, right here, right now – I want a baby.’ But it wasn’t planned. I was trying to get back to where I once was. I was fighting my way through like I always have. Then boom. My entire life changed when I looked down at a pregnancy test at The Belamar Hotel in the middle of camp right before Olympic qualifiers and it read, ‘Pregnant’ – surely that was a mistake. I took another one and looked down hoping I wouldn’t get the same answer. But I got it 6 times more with 6 different brands.

I wasn’t ready. I had so many more things that I had to do and accomplish and become and I came up with every other excuse that I could find to justify my thoughts for wanting to back out of this. I truly wish I could be one of those pregnant women who wake up every day happy, and feeling that ‘pregnancy glow’ but I don’t always feel that way. Most of the time I’m just in pain. My stomach feels like something is stabbing me from the inside and my hips feel like someone is ripping off my legs. Is it because I wasn’t ready? Is he in there preparing me for something much bigger than myself? Making me ready? I feel like when you’re pregnant you have to put on this smile even when you don’t want to. Sometimes when people ask me how I’m feeling I wish I could just be honest and tell them this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. That it’s tough.

But I’ve been thinking, maybe thats why it takes nine months and doesn’t happen right away. Maybe we aren’t ever ready – some things just happen because it was meant to. Some things you can’t run from and you just have to figure out the best way to be the best person you can be for whatever that is. We can’t be brave if we don’t take the chance and this is the best chance I’ve ever had – to be someones mom might be the most courageous thing I will ever do. I know that when I’m finally able to look at him it will make everything worth it. To show him what love is and what it looks like when two people love each other. Something that I never got a chance to witness.

You know that quote that says, ‘do one thing every day that scares you.’ This scares me. Every. Single. Day. I’ve cried very hard for this little guy, wondering how we both got here and how this all came to be. I CAN say this: As much as this has been hard it’s had equally beautiful moments. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with love that I cry and I know that I want to be the best person and the best version of myself for him. Maybe that’s just the hormones? Or maybe the experience of trying to become the best version of myself is what is entertaining all of my fear. I may not have been ready to face that when I looked down at those positive pregnancy tests that day, but I know when I look down at his face for the first time, I’ll be able to face anything.