RICE RICE BABY

UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR

Ags, I have something to confess... It's not easy for me to admit, but this offseason almost beat the love of football out of me. You know what it felt like? It was like I had the flu and nothing tasted good. I didn't want to read anything more about football. Well, to be fair, I didn't want to read anything more about "football." Apparently "football" is when you turn a 20 year-old unpaid kid into Pol Pot in the press for signing autographs. Signing a credit card receipt made me physically ill because it reminded me of Autographgate 2013. That's when I said, "Screw it" and hit up the old YouTube machine and found this little gem.



OH I'M EXCITED NOW!



Regardless of what happens with Johnny, at least we don't have to try and make "7 WINS" and "ARMED FORCES BOWL CHAMPIONS" sound exciting. This video is a training montage without the exciting music and ass-kicking culmination. It's a football preview video... with no more than 20 seconds of football. I feel badly for that tire, though.



Their slogan is "WE WILL WIN" but I think it'd be more fitting if it were "BRING WATER TO BOIL, THEN LET SIMMER FOR 30 MINUTES OR UNTIL SOFT!" Cooking joke? No? No. OK, OF COURSE YOU WILL WIN! This was for the spring game...against yourself. Spring games are the football version of being a 13 year-old male. You really want to play, but you only get to play yourself.



In all honesty, Rice is getting better. Anything they handle from the Aggies this Saturday will give them confidence against their upcoming schedule. These guys have won their last 5 games and seem positioned to win their first conference title since 1994. I have no beef with you, Rice. I just wish you were bringing the MOB this year. Did we not give y'all enough material to work with? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US?



ABSURD GAME PREDICTION VOL 1



Here's my suggestion for what to do if Manziel is suspended, 12th Man. Do what you feel is appropriate. The thing is, he's gonna play. This is great news for the Rice defensive players who want to see how they'd fare against the reigning Heisman winner. Short answer: not well. Remember the goat from Jurassic Park?



Sumlin calls a team meeting and pours everyone a tall glass of cold milk. Why, you ask? Because this is the best thing you can pair with a delicious cupcake.



Ags: 65 Rice: 7



CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Ricky Seals-Jones WR #9: Huge, big, tall, rangy, long body, reach, [NFL phrase here] can catch anything; yeah sounds pretty good kinda like that other new receiver guy from last year who's now lined up on the other side named Biletnikoff Candidate Mike Evans.



Nate Askew LB, Other #9: I used to take fast 6'4" 235 lb wide receievers and move them to rush DE in EA Sports' NCAA 08 against fellow GBHer Lucas Jackson and my sacking success drove him crazy. I expect my thank you card from Sumlin in the mail any day now.



Mike Matthews C #56: Brother of the All-American at tackle. Understudy of legendary Aggie center Patrick Lewis. If you don't think this position is important in a Sumlin offense then I can sell you many useless things.



Johnny Chickrabbit Scout Team QB: Coach David Bailiff had a unique plan on preparing for Manziel. Since Rice's slacking bioengineers haven't even perfected mammalian-aviary cross-breeding yet, we'll have to see how it worked in theory only.



Taylor McHargue Real QB: Although his name may be debatable, his resume is not. Or maybe it is. He passed for 2200 yards and 12 TDs last year but got hurt in their bowl game. His backup is named "Agreeable" Driphus Jackson and I think the coaches might like him better.



Cody Bauer DE #90: Bauer led the team in TFLs and sacks last year and should have another dominant season after getting mauled by Jake and Ced. He improves his pass rushing ability by approximately 300% against the remainder of the Rice schedule.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY J.P. 03

Maximum Exposure Ah, yes. Texas A&M is playing a pushover Week 1 opponent at a nontraditional start time. Sounds like weâre either in for a healthy dose of Ric Renner in the Phillips 66 Studio or another Bill Byrne pay-per-view special, right? Not anymore, ladies and gents. In a development also known as Reason #3,824,971 That Moving to the SEC Was the Best Decision Ever, this game will be aired on a little network called ESPN. (Perhaps youâve heard of them seeing as how theyâve single-handedly been trying to destroy our starting QBâs eligibility lately.) Thatâs right: a national audience will get to witness this bloodbath not long after they finish watching College GameDay. I could get used to this, couldnât you?



A MOB Scene Itâs a rare day in College Station when the band forming at the north end of Kyle Field prior to the Fightinâ Texas Aggie Band can actually give the Pulse of the Spirit of Aggieland a run for its money. And Saturday, the always-creative, sometimes-hilarious Marching Owl Band invades our beloved stadium for what should be another memorable performance...Wait, whatâs that? Theyâre NOT coming? You mean to tell me that undergrads pay almost 40 grand a year to attend that school and they somehow canât scrape together enough money to rent a couple of buses to make the 96-mile trip to A&M? This is the worst decision that Rice students have made sinceâ¦actually, you know what? Iâm not going to finish that joke. I refuse to bring my rusty butter knife into a battle of wits with kids who carry proverbial rocket launchers. Moving right along thenâ¦.



Aggies On Edge Iâm not gonna lie; itâs been hard to be an Aggie fan these past couple of weeks. Every hour brings a new fear of new revelations or new sources coming forward or a new twist in the NCAAâs investigation into you-know-who, and we naturally canât help but expect the worst. And yet here we are, still waiting. Well we here at GBH wonât stand for this any longer. We wonât be controlled by you, Darren Rovell! We freak the hell out on OUR schedule, not yours, you hear me? And so weâve taken it upon ourselves to conduct our own background research in an effort to dig up any and all dirt on our beloved #2 so the boys in Bristol canât surprise us with anything right before the Bama game. Be warned, faithful readers: These EXCLUSIVE images we uncovered of JBB (Johnny Behaving Badly) might shock you:



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY J.P. 03

#12 LSU vs. #20 TCU Can we all agree that a 13th-ranked* Oklahoma State team SHOULD have no problem defeating an unranked Mississippi State team that was last seen gifting Northwestern its first bowl victory since 1949? Good, then letâs focus on the real Is-The-Big-XII-As-Good-As-The-SEC measuring stick game: TCU vs. LSU. A team from the conference desperate enough to do anything to validate itself takes on a team coached by the man crazy and foolish enough to possibly let them do it. Do the right thing here, Les, and put this one away early. Please. For all of us. Even if that means you need to bust out a few trick plays and begin your postgame presser with the words, "Wow! How about that? The last time I saw a drive that crazy, a drunken Casey Pachall was behind the wheel." (Authorâs note: Too soon?)



*This is the highest-ranked Big XII team in the country. Iâm not joking.



LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY STEWADE

No Jacket Required BY CUPPYCUP I checked KBTX weather and, in summary, we are all going to die out there on Saturday. Fortunately, the Kyle Field Fan Guide states no official dress code but I discourage full nudity. Our student special interest groups deserve better than scraping you off the bleachers during post-game cleanup. Instead, wear this smart Columbia button-down from Aggieland Outfitters. There are four pockets to hold ice packs and a vent in the back will diffuse your pleasant odor to neighbors. Disney characters continue doing their jobs even if they vomit in their giant heads due to extreme heat. Your job is to yell on defense, so suck it up. If you're on the West Side, your job is to give the stinkeye to people who yell or show emotion.



BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE The best case scenario is that Johnny Manziel is cleared of everything this week, we can finally put the damn offseason from hell behind us and start focusing on football. For the game? Nobody gets hurt. That's the best case scenario. Well that, and a massive blowout win where Johnny goes for 300/150 and 5 TDs in the first half giving the entire second team good reps for two quarters. Defense is fast, aggressive and MEAN; only allowing a fluke touchdown in slop time.



WORST CASE I hate writing "worst case" scenarios because I have this delusion that what I write could actually affect the outcome of the game. We all know that's true, right? Right. OK, so knowing that thought is complete BS, worst case is that there are some injuries, holes in our defense are exposed early, and this game is closer than it should be going into the 3rd quarter. Aggies still win, but there are way more questions that emerge from this game than we'd like heading into week two with Alabama on the horizon in week 3.



HAHA KIDDING! Worst case is that the Ags only win by 45. I'M PLAYING WITH FIRE AND I LOVE IT!



@HypnoToad03 When reached for comment on the game, Rice fans blinked in the sunlight, shrugged, and resumed programming a robot to feel love #GBHTailgate



@BareFootHixson I'm only reading #GBHTailgate if my beautiful unicorn RayBanned-head is involved somehow ...



@TheMarkup TAMU: "No Johnny Manziel questions." ESPN: "So, on Johnny Manziel..."



Facepalm.



@zwright119 Hahaha they may be making fun of us but it's pretty damn funny... http://www.goodbullhunting.com/2013...



@Mengus22 Who they do they play Sat...ooohhhh... RT @DrNorrisCamacho: so Rice's two best defensive players aren't playing Saturday...



@NYTimesHealth A healthy recipe for leftover rice: Brown Rice and Farro Salad With Roasted Pepper, Basil, Arugula and Feta: nyti.ms/1dLN2wz



@BarbieYell Painted Eyes. Molded Heart. Can't Lose.

