It’s 2016 and everyone is playing Overwatch.



Everyone has opinions on Overwatch.

Specifically: everyone hates everyone who plays Overwatch for a number of different reasons. They hate Bastion because fuck Bastion. They hate Mei because what the hell man. They hate Torbjorn because screw

turrets forever.


I am here to say something. I am everything you hate about Overwatch.

And I am so, so sorry.

Apology #1: I Am A Scrub


Just take this as my general, catch-all apology: I am not very good at Overwatch. Let’s just get that out of the way. I die a lot. I die at the wrong time. I make terrible choices. Enemy teams have set-ups and I don’t have the savvy or knowledge to problem solve. So I just do the same thing over and over again until my team loses. Then I go and mindlessly eat cashews and refuse to reflect on the reasons why I sucked.



I am sorry.

Apology #2: I Still Care About K/D Ratios

I don’t know why I still think like this but I do. I know it’s bad, I know it’s wrong, but I’m too old and set in my ways to change.



I think it’s probably a hangover from Halo. I used to play a lot of Halo and even in objective matches your Kill/Death ratio was sort of important. In Team Deathmatch scenarios it was everything.


I’m still at the point where I literally forget that health doesn’t regenerate, so I withdraw from battles, hide in cover and somehow expect my health bar to increase again so I can save my ratio.

I know. I know. I know. I’m the worst. I’m sorry.

Apology #3: I Don’t Really Understand The Meta


Christ I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I can’t look at my team before the match and say, oh great! We already have a tank! I should play as a healer and help break through the ranks and secure the objective. My brain isn’t thinking like that.



Here’s what my brain is thinking:

“Great news Mark, the kids are asleep and your wife has stopped watching House Rules for 10 precious minutes. Time to play that video game you like. Time to just forget about teamwork, forget about everything except your own selfish desire to run headlong at enemy combatants and shoot them real good.”


That’s how my brain is thinking. I can’t help it. It’s in my nature.

I am sorry.

Apology #4: I Often Play As Bastion


This is a recent thing. I honestly thought to myself, ‘Mark, you’re already the stereotype of the actual worst Overwatch player in the universe, how can you make yourself even worse?’ Then I thought, ‘I know, I’ll learn to play as Bastion’.



Mission accomplished.

Sorry!

Apology #5: I Rush The Objective All The Time


I don’t know any other way. I don’t have a plan B. This game is about objectives, right? I’m just gonna run there as quickly as possible, kill a few guys if I’m lucky and then die a glorious death.



Again: sorry.

Apology #6: I Always Rotate As Three Characters


And those characters are Soldier 76, Reaper and Bastion.



Hahahaha, holy shit I am the worst.

Sorry.

Apology #7: I Sometimes Get Play Of The Game And I’m Shit


Hey, did you play as Mercy and resurrect the entire team at a crucial turning point in the match, thereby saving the objective at the most pivotal moment possible?



Fuck you. I used my special as Reaper and accidentally killed a few dudes.

Play of the game motherfucker. POTG.

I’m sorry.