Most people out there will assume that as a lowsec scrub I have no idea what I am talking about and that the following will be a bunch of delusional ramblings, but let me assure you, every single statement that I am going to make here can be verified individually. That is the beauty of Fozziesov: you don’t have to take my word for it, you just need to look at Dotlan.

I write today in direct response to a recent fireside chat hosted by The Mittani. Since the Gallente Federation is a highly advanced civilisation, I will name this the Fusion Reactor Proximity Declaration. We Gallente have long set aside such quaint concepts as open hearths where children gather round to listen to their patriarch with wide eyes and gaping mouths.

The reason I can publicly reveal what you will read here is, that neither the Goons nor their allies can do anything about it. We now know what they want – a major bloc war – and this is exactly what we are not going to give them.

These sov-warfare strategists want to bring out their big fleets and bloc-level FCs to wash the stain of the Viceroy program off of themselves before the Citadel changes hit. Once those changes are implemented, they can no longer hide in indestructable stations in systems where all anchor points are occupied.

“Gallente Militia are by now very experienced in capturing regions by orbiting a static structure for extended periods of time.”

This is how they have thus far kept us from razing their so-called Imperium to the ground, but this time we will walk roughshod over the corpses of their allies on our way to Deklein. We in the Gallente Militia are by now very experienced in capturing regions by orbiting a static structure for extended periods of time. We have done it over and over again. They think they can break our resolve by grinding up their ADMs with ratting and mining CTAs. What they don’t want to do is orbit Entosis targets, but this is what we do to win wars.

Those clever boys have learned to withdraw from whole regions and go to ground in lowsec, intending to harass our allies from there. What they don’t realise is that this is exactly what our game has always been and we know the perfect counter for it. PL and Waffles have played this game with us for many years, as have TISHU, Shadow Cartel, Dead Terrorists, TEST and many others from the list of organisations that are now standing united on our side.

They want to bring their blobs of T3s and battlecruisers and their ridiculous stealth bombers, but they are incredibly bad at small frigate and destroyer gangs. Every time the sov null alliances were forced to engage us under those conditions they have lost.

Those are the same people we have fought and won against over and over again. We have purged Ev0ke, TEST and Razor from our space. We have thrown the Goon invaders with their Viceroy project so far back into their Deklein safe space that we still hear them crying down here in Placid. Now it is time to tear down the walls of that safe space and make them realise that refusing to vote on reddit does not win wars. We shall purge the Goons and their Imperium from the north.

They claimed that it would be trivial for them to rule lowsec. Let them prove it after we have thrown them out of sov null to lick their wounds in some station up in Black Rise where all the losers go.

In this war, our allies are the mailed fist that will smash into the Imperium’s face over and over again. Most of them are just there for the ISK and the dank frags. We know TEST wants to go back to living in the TESTagram, but that’s no problem. They’ll get it. We only want the best for our people.

Mittani thinks he can tire our allies out by giving up regions to let them entosis themselves into boredom. What he has not counted on are the countless of seasoned Caldari LP farmers who have allied with us and are just waiting in the wings to descend upon the devastated Imperium regions like a flock of carrion crows.

Right now people are resubbing in droves all over highsec at the prospect of the Goon menace – and their CODE puppets with them – being purged from the game. Caldari and Gallente are the two most popular player races in EVE, and there are literally tens of thousands of players waiting in Gallente highsec to be given the signal. We have a force to call upon that has more people than most multinational corporations have employees.

The Imperium thinks they can harass us from lowsec while their sov gets hacked away system-by-system, but they will not be able to catch us. They want to bring their nullsec toys like bombers and bubbles to force a large fleet fight with 10% TiDi, and this we shall deny them. We will make them try and cyno a 500 man fleet on us until the bridge-macro key is broken on their keyboards, and then they will say “Thanks Mittani, that is really great gameplay”

To do this we need the right tools to make them learn what it means to go against the most efficient PvP organisation in the game, but we have them. Back when we were flying Atrons we brought down nullsec powers, but now we have advanced doctrines to make their life as miserable as possible.

“…doctrines like Hyperspace Fleet for fast warp displacement and Squid Fleet which consists of warp-stabbed ceptors.”

There are a few dedicated Entosis doctrines like Hyperspace Fleet for fast warp displacement and Squid Fleet which consists of warp-stabbed ceptors. Because alliance leadership likes to give things mythological Greek names we also have Maenad Fleet which will be combat focused and raging across Imperium space until our enemies are literally driven insane. The doctrine for that is still opsec, but if you qualify for Maenad Fleet, your main FCs will know and you should get an invite after you have finished reading this.

We also have the Arquebus doctrine of kiting sniper Svipuls which is specialised in headshotting enemy FCs because everyone knows that a sov-null fleet without its FC is about as effective as a horde of decapitated chicken. If you want to participate in this to witness the hilarity, make sure you permanently have Asher Kagen on your watchlist because he’s literally the last active combat FC that GSF has.

So, I myself am not so much a combat pilot, but I can tell you this much: it will be fantastically hilarious. The tears of our enemies will flow so bountifully that they will drown in them over at their protected TMC comment section. They will self-congratulatory comment on Matterall articles in a state of denial, but at the end they will realise that you can not spin the pain away.

There have been questions whether a Federation-wide call for mandatory military service should be sounded, but we don’t even need to do that. The PCU since the beginning of this war has proven that this is what players want. They don’t want major bloc wars. What they really want is an endless thunderdome of small to mid-sized fleets fighting just for the sake of it. This is what we now finally can have on a massive scale, and it is fantastic.

The subscriber numbers clearly have gone down ever since the battle of B-R. People were making a clear statement that they don’t want to have a game with supermassive blobs fighting 24+ hours under 10% TiDi, but now that small-scale warfare is back, they are resubbing.

CCP should take note of this and realise that they can not silence dissent with their “No-Gevlons” rule. It is clear that the players want a game without Goons and – finally – that’s what we shall give them.

P.S. Upon his inevitable apprehension, the pretender Maximilian Singularity will be extradited into the hands of the Amarrian Theology Council. We won’t repeat that diplomatic mistake around Gerne Batreau.

P.P.S. Thanks to The Mittani, greatest satirist of EVE; main content provider for New Eden’s Best News Service: EVE-Onion. Without your inspirational talks I would never have found the resolve to write this grand appeal to the citizens of the Gallente Federation.

Note from the editor: It should be weapons-grade obvious at this point that this article is satire based on The Mittani’s speech. God have mercy on you if you didn’t get that. To those of you that are new to EVE, we apologise, we realise this is all very confusing.