Who the hell are these people? What were they thinking?

Okay. I’ll admit it. I love lurking on TSA’s Instagram account. There’s this wicked joy I get from looking at some of the stuff folks somehow thought would get through airport security. Here are some of my personal favorite humans, all from different airports, who have each left me shaking my head and wondering “who are they and what were they thinking?”

That’s just not an accident. You don’t just absentmindedly walk into the airport and say, “Oops, sorry dude, I totally forgot that speargun was in my backpack.” Why do you need a speargun in your backpack? It’s a speargun. For under the water. But you’re taking it on a plane. In the air. The whole thing just seems fishy to me. Yeah, I get you’re probably on your way to some other water somewhere, but listen, Jacques, you’re freaking me out wanting it under your seat. I think maybe you might’ve been breathing in a little something more than oxygen from that scuba tank. Oh…that’s right…Denver.

Eighteen throwing knives in your carry-on. Um. Do you know the guy up there from Denver, by chance? Not sure what you’re smoking in Anchorage, but it sure ain’t just Salmon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally cool with the whole death-defying, spinning-assistant routine…it’s thrilling really, and everyone needs a hobby…I’m just not sure that this really falls within the flight attendant’s normal job description. That’s a free FYI for you. Future reference.

Honest to goodness, Grasshopper, if you’re on a secret ninja rescue mission, you probably should pack more of that awesome, stealthy gear in your checked baggage. I hate to be nitpicky, but while your selection is generally impressive (oooh, Rainbow Shuriken!), it appears to be incomplete. I don’t see any rope for the grappling hook, or any kick ass nunchuks. I heard TSA loves kick ass nunchuks (rainbow-colored gets you extra credit). Still, it all just seems like poor planning to me. Master Shifu would be displeased.

A gun, 11 rounds of ammo, two flares, 18 knives, and two hatchets. Did you run out of room for the bazooka? Wait, don’t answer that, I feel silly. Now that I think about it, you’re totally right — that would’ve been too big for the overhead bin. Valid point. Shame we can’t see your license to know if your real name is actually John Rambo, but I know you probably like to keep a low profile when you’re doing your commando thing.

So…lopping shears, a sling shot, a carving knife, a hatchet, a saw, and a machete in your carry-on. I feel like you must have a really interesting beard. I know maybe this was your first time to go on a flying aeromachine, and these newfangled contraptions are rumored to get a bit nippy, but it’s honestly not the wilderness up there. I don’t think you need to bring all the gear to shoot squirrels, make shelter, and cut firewood on board. It’s like a two-hour flight, man. And they usually have blankets and pretzels and stuff.

What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas, remember? Maybe cramming those leftover bags of pot, a metal pipe, a spoon, a lighter, and a bobby pin into that false-bottom shaving cream can that you found at the smoke shop on the Strip wasn’t the best idea you had this week. Thinking that this totally wouldn’t show up in the x-ray machine is probably a heads-up to scale back on the free cocktails at the casino. (Because, obviously, it was the booze impairing your judgment.) And just FYI, there’s really no smoking in the aircraft lavatory. They mean that. Switch to edibles, bro.

I understand that you and #6 are honestly concerned about wild animals on the airplane, but Elk are highly unlikely, no matter how bad that guy in 27C smells. And honestly, even if there were wild animals, I kind of think that bag of gear really shows a lack of confidence. Why do you need four knives? I keep imagining you strutting into security like a matador in your traje de luces, visualizing Pamplona down the aisle of Premium Economy. Only, with Elk.

Sure, sure, sure, you see lots of guns and ammo in TSA’s Instagram that folks try to bring on planes for some reason. Why did you get my attention, Cowboy? All that and a silencer. Which is seriously soooo cool. Nothing better than style and discretion when you try to sneak a firearm past security. If you’d installed that suppressor, their magic machines probably wouldn’t have found it. I bet you look badass shooting that thing sideways, all gangster style. Hope you get that puppy back after you make bail and fill your own Instagram with selfies. I’d totally follow that account.

Trying to take a gun on board in Providence by disassembling it and concealing the parts in three stuffed animals — the .40 caliber frame in one; a loaded magazine and the firing pin in another; and the slide in the third — seems destined to succeed brilliantly at one thing at least: pissing off your kids for ruining their toys. You got a twofer, though. Kudos to you for getting arrested to boot. Best role model ever, dad.

I mentioned snakes, didn’t I? Better deliver. You, Mr. Sunshine, had not one, not two, but seven snakes crammed into nylon stockings and then stuffed inside your pants. But wait! There’s more! You somehow also managed to wrangle in three turtles. I’m really torn here about how to work in some clever comment about trouser snakes and reptile dysfunction, but I think I’ll take the high road so as not to offend anyone. I do admit to being personally impressed with the attempt; unfortunately, I’m advised by multiple intertube memes that Samuel L. Jackson has simply had it with your ongoing efforts to bring motherf@&^%# snakes onto his motherf@&^%# plane.