MrsHelpconfused Sun 08-Apr-18 13:15:39

Reposted as I had put my ds and dh names on previous post:



Please help me understand this email he sent DH and me:



Dear x



I was just about to send this and then got your email. Thank you. Ok x (my sister) was trigger-happy but still completely out of order. (My) email (points that I were in my OP I emailed to him

) to me is not a balanced view at all of events. The truth is important here and the truth needs to take into account nuance and different points of view not an extremist, over-reactionary one.



(Me)



I am shocked, hurt and saddened by the words you and your sister have used.



I did send you an email offering the opportunity to chat maybe about a year ago. Unfortunately I don't have a copy. (This ended up in my spam box, as did this email, I never received it, not saying he is lying about it.



I am also very confused about the severity of your response. Before the Canada incident you may have forgotten but you sent an email to (Current gf) telling her that you thought she had been a good influence on me. I think we had probably just seen each other at x's wedding. I remember having a walk with you, dh and ds in the Dales and telling you about the difficult time I was having with(gf) I remember ds enjoying seeing his uncle.



I have waited a short while now to compose a response. I wanted to make sure I didn't descend into using the infantile and abusive language your sister has used towards me. I will not be responding to the ridiculous, OTT email she sent; it really isn't worth engaging with someone who can behave like this. However, please pass on this important message which may have been relayed to her after I spoke to dh yesterday: if I receive one more sentence from her using such insulting, vile, poisonous and aggressive language based on untruths, I will be going to the police to report her for cyber-bullying.



Now I will write something in my defense that I hope will make you think about how hurtful your words have been to me in those 2 emails over the last 18 months or so. I have never written an unkind word to you. I am not even going to try to understand where your poisoned thinking about me has come from. I do worry what dh has said about me in the past and how you have interpreted it. What is important is for me to tell you that it is not ok for you to behave like this. I accept that you don't like me and that you don't want anything to do with me. It is very sad that you are controlling my not seeing ds/n and I can only hope that one day this may change. I understand that this is a problem between you and dh and I wouldn't want this to become a barrier in your relationship with each other.



Unfortunately your interpretation and knowledge of the key events that you have listed as reasons why you don't want me to see DS are extremely faulty and some of it untrue. So in my defense I will need to go through them:



1. I was not abusive in my relationship to (ex wife). There was one incident at the end of our relationship where I lost control out of extreme desperation and rough-handled (ex wife). In fact I spoke to (ex wife) yesterday and she laughed at the suggestion that I was abusive. I think you will find that the fact my 3 wonderful children want to spend time with me on a regular basis and love me as a dad who moved to Dorset to be with them over the last 12 years is pretty glowing praise. Ask (ex wife)!



2. The situation in (North America) 18 months ago is complex and has to do with sibling rivalries and perhaps the big mistake I made which was to suggest we all stayed under the same roof at dh and bil sister. I became quickly irritated by dh/bil sister drunkenness in the evenings. I did not bully her into tears; (he did she said sobbing to him you make me feel like shit), I said some hurtful truths about the way she was drinking and it being very annoying at the time. I think she was drunk in the early evenings because perhaps she couldn't cope with the emotional stress of us being all together again after so many years. dh and I fell out quickly, again due to ancient, sibling rivalry. I behaved in an unkind way at times; I was arrogant and judgemental; it was very contextual. Unfortunately you are using examples of situations that you did not even witness to come to disturbingly untrue conclusions about me. I behaved badly in that situation; I am not like this 99.9% of the time. I have a lovely relationship with my sister over skype. I do understand that dh was very upset at that time and wanted some comfort by talking to you. Unfortunately you made conclusions again based on dh version of what was happening. You either shouldn't have got involved, which is difficult as dh is your husband, or you should have stepped back and taken a much more measured approach. (I was in the UK with ds and dh had a reunion with bil, their sister, another brother and parents, my dh skyped and emailed me repeatedly upset with his behavior)



3. The incidents in (town in south west england: I was being perhaps overly vigorous and trying to be the wacky uncle by dunking ds in the sea. (I said no) You suggest I was getting back at dh somehow which I just find ridiculous. It's called playing and I didn't realize it would have caused such offence that you have obviously allowed to fester away in you. At that time I was also going through a very difficult situation trying to be back with ex gf and being constantly rejected by her. I wanted to show ds off as my sweet nephew; perhaps, yes, I was trying to impress ex gf in some way. It was brief and I did quickly mention to dh that I was popping across the way to ex gf place of work. (according to dh he whisked ds off and he didn't ask or really tell him). Again to suggest that this is some kind of abusive behaviour towards a child is unbelievable.



dh tells me you sisters like to tell it how it is; you are passionate and stick up for yourselves. These examples that you have cited are NOT good examples of you applying some measured, calmer and more intelligent responses to situations.



I won't be asking to see ds/nagain as it obviously upsets dh and I don't want to lose the relationship I have with him. It is very sad that your reasons for me not seeing ds/nare completely flawed. I have spent time and energy composing this email out of a modicum of respect I have for you as an intelligent human being and wife to my brother. I do not intend to write or communicate with you any more until the day you might mature a little and apologise for this outrageous behaviour.



[Edited by MNHQ to protect OP's privacy]