Australians Reminded To Stay At Least 1.5km Away From Sam Newman

Authorities have warned Australians to stay at least 1.5km away from former media personality Sam Newman, in the interests of their own sanity.

Newman stood on the steps of Victorian Parliament yesterday to protest the fact that he is no longer relevant. His chant of:

“What do I want?

“Attention!”

“When do I want it?”

“All the fucking time!”

fell on deaf ears.

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said he had been considering loosening restrictions on playing golf, but would now extend them indefinitely, just to see Sam Newman have another meltdown.

“I think the enjoyment of seeing a 75 year-old man with a plastic face throw a tantrum over a game of golf is a public benefit that all Victorians can appreciate”.

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