I have a new invention. It is called No Shame Monday. And it is the best thing to happen since Midol.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Today is Tuesday. Why are you writing about Monday? Well, because I just invented it yesterday (which was a Monday) and I wanted to tell all of you about it so you can actively participate next week instead of being unprepared like the Girl Scout drop outs you all are. Get off my back.

I don’t know how many of you actually know me in real life, but I am pretty sure it is most of you. And so you probably already know that I have no sense of shame whatsoever on any day of the week. But yesterday, on No Shame Monday, I was feeling especially shameless and decided what the hell, might as well go big or go home. So I created No Shame Monday. So that I could do whatever I wanted all day and be like, whatever it’s No Shame Monday I can do anything I feel like doing and everyone else can suck it.

Mondays are notoriously bad days for everyone. Because you have to go back to work or back to school or do things you don’t actually want to do on Mondays. Or sometimes you might wake up on a Monday and have a creative block and a half head cold (just on one half of your head) and you might have a terrible time writing your blog entry for that day because you just can’t think of anything good to say. And your lunch plans might get canceled too. That happens. When your Monday starts out like that, you’ve got to do everything you can to turn that sucker around because otherwise you will end the day on the floor somewhere telling passersby to leave you there to die. Yesterday was also one of those days where it was gloomy and looked like rain all day but also unbearably hot and unrealistic for any type of decent hairstyle. So you can see why things were going awry.

And so I declared that all Mondays are from here on out going to be No Shame Mondays, where you can wear what you want and say what you want and eat what you want and feel no shame whatsoever because it’s fucking Monday and that is the worst day of the week.

On No Shame Monday you can wear whatever you want. You can even wear leggings as pants. I know what you’re thinking, doesn’t she hate athletic wear being worn when you’re not being athletic? Yes. I do. Most especially sweatpants. Because those are a sign that you have given up on your life completely. You might as well just grow a mullet. But leggings are different. Sometimes you can incorporate leggings into an outfit and still look completely put together, or you can wear leggings and look like a slob. They are versatile, and I like that. When I see someone out and about wearing sweatpants all I can think is, “You are terrible. You have a sad life and you have given up. Just go home.” But when I see someone wearing leggings, I have a little more sympathy and I might be like, “You are probably on your period. Or just really pissed off today. Or maybe you are feeling lazy. It’s okay, girl. As long as it’s just for today.” So on your No Shame Monday, you can wear leggings as pants and it is completely acceptable. Wear whatever you feel the most shameless in. When you look in the mirror on No Shame Monday, I want you to be able to say, “I don’t give a fuck what I look like because I have no personal sense of shame.” And then get out there and follow your dreams. To wherever you are going that day.

You can cry at all of the commercials with sad animals and Sarah McLachlan songs or that bring up your patriotism and how much moms love it when their kids become Olympians, and it is a-okay because today is No Shame Monday. And you don’t have to be ashamed at your tears on No Shame Monday. You are not weak, you are just a sensitive soul. No Shame Monday can really be an emotional rollercoaster, so brace yourselves.

Take all the naps you want on No Shame Monday. You can take a nap in the morning. Take a nap in the afternoon. Take a nap in your car. Take a nap on the street. Take a nap at your job. Naps are one of the most enjoyable things in life, they are in neck-in-neck in the race for best things ever with eating and not having any split ends.

On No Shame Monday you can also eat whatever you want. At any time of day. Eat pie in the morning time. Nobody can tell you not to. Well, if you are me and you live at home with your parents they might tell you not to. But you can be like, “It is No Shame Monday and I do what I want.” And then they will just leave you alone. So on your No Shame Monday, eat all the pizzas you can find. Because that is what is really going to make you happy and feel like you have a fulfilled life.

You can listen to whatever music you want on No Shame Monday. If you are always too ashamed to blast your bagpipe beats or Mandy Moore from when she sang songs or even Call Me Maybe while your windows are rolled down (don’t be ashamed about Call Me Maybe, anyone who denies loving that song is a pathological liar. It’s just so damn catchy), feel the shame no more. On No Shame Monday, you should be gettin it to whatever music floats your boat, in your car, by yourself, all day long. There was a guy in front of me in traffic yesterday doing some serious Fame moves in his convertible, it was really quite impressive. And I thought, “That guy has got absolutely no shame. I am so proud.”

You can post whatever you want on Tumblr or Instagram or Facebook. Don’t be worried about how your friends react. If you want to reblog seventeen pictures of puppies for all your followers to see because they are just that cute, go for it girl. This is your day. Post all the puppies you can find and don’t look back.

You can go to the movies in the middle of the day while wearing your leggings as pants and sit up on the top row and drink the big size slushies and talk back to the screen because who the hell cares? It’s No Shame Monday and you don’t give any fucks. When the preview thing says “Please don’t spoil the movie by adding your own soundtrack,” you can be like, “It’s No Shame Monday and I do what I want.” I did this yesterday and this old black man followed suit and sat up on the top row also and was laughing way louder that I thought physically possible before and that is all kinds of okay on No Shame Monday.

You can even say whatever you want on No Shame Monday. I personally choose to say whatever I want on all of the days of the week, it is called having no filter. I’m sure if you’ve read this blog before you could tell that already. But for those of you who do control the things that fly out of your mouth on a regular basis, just throw that caution to the wind on No Shame Monday. Tell everyone how bad they look in their sweatpants. Tell that girl you like how much you like her, she probably already knows anyway (we know everything). Tell that guy that is smelly how bad he smells, and give him some soap as a gift, because you are still a caring person. Tell that girl you work with who is always talking so loudly on your morning shifts that you would rather gauge your eyes out that hear her complain about one more person. You get the idea. We spend a lot of time not telling people how we really feel about them and the things they do, especially when those things bother us. And I think that is a bad way to spend your life. Tell the truth. The world is your oyster. Whatever.

So as you can see, you can really get away with doing whatever in the world you want to do on No Shame Monday. And you will feel no shame about it. That is the best part.

I hope you all participate next week. It will make you feel like you’ve got all the power of Dumbledore minus the beard. And the actual magic. But other than that, just like Dumbledore.

And I want to hear about all the things you do on your No Shame Monday! So tell me on twitter by tagging me in your tweet or just put a little #NoShameMonday at the end so I can see all of the terrible, shameless things I am inspiring you to do!

Sorry, I’m not sorry.