I was about 15 years old when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. It was a long time before I became comfortable with my sexuality and decided to pursue anything, and when I finally did, I realized that dating wasn’t really an easy thing to do. Not for me that is.

What It’s Like Being A Chubby Gay

You see, I have always been a bigger guy and it got worse after I left school. I realised that, while yes, the gay community waved the banner of pride and inclusivity, it wasn’t always something that they actually practiced. By the time I went into the dating scene it was a world of applications and I decided to get Grindr on my phone. I added all the criteria to my profile that it needed:

A photo of myself – done.

About me – done.

What I was looking for – done.

What I was into – done.

Then it came to my information section. I filled in my location and my height but I paused on my weight. I thought about it and I decided to leave that part out. I activated my profile and started to look through all the different profiles. I looked at all the cute guys and their interests. I decided to say howdy to a few of them.

“Hey, hey. How’s it going? 😊”

This was my usual greeting. I honestly was not sure how I should start a conversation. I’d never done this before.

I said hello to a few different guys, left it at that and went about my daily business. A few hours later I jumped back on and there were no responses. Okay, maybe they’re all just busy. I decided to explore the app and check out the features. I then came across the section where you could see which people that had viewed your profile and went into it. Every guy that I had messaged checked out my profile but they didn’t even bother to respond. It didn’t feel good, but I decided not to dwell on it and went about my own business. I jumped on a few times and got the same response, so I decided to not bother and deleted the app. I felt deflated and kept off it for ages after that.

I Found Alternative Gay Dating Applications

Then soon after, a few more other apps came out that were marketed towards a more diverse market and so I decided to give them a try. The two that I tried were ‘Scruff’ and ‘Growlr’. They claimed to be for the bear and alternative gay groups. These were a little better received and so I decided to keep these apps. At least a very few guys actually answered me when I messaged them.

I also came across two apps called ‘Grommr’ and ‘Bigger City’, they were marketed for the chubbier gay community. Perfect I thought. I created a profile and perused a few different profiles. There were actually smaller guys looking for chubby guys! This was perfect! Or so I thought. I chatted to a few guys and I even hit it off with a guy. Yay! We went on a few dates and got to know each other. Then, he confessed something to me.

He wanted to be with a guy and make him bigger.

My warning bells went off. I certainly didn’t enjoy being bigger and I always tried to lose weight. Was it something I was willing to do to be with someone? Was I willing to compromise myself and my values just to be with someone? I thought about what he had said and what I wanted, and then decided it wasn’t something I was willing to do, so I broke it off with him.

I then became curios about why he wanted something like that, and discovered the world of feeding and gaining.

“Feeder: Usually a male who likes to encourage weight gain in his partner through the consumption of food.”

That’s how Urban Dictionary describes it.

I read up how feeders would do things to make their partners bigger. Buy them extra food and tell them they deserved it. Say they were full and give their leftovers to their partner. This was not something I wanted to be part of, so I deleted my profiles and have never been back since. Since then I have met guys that have a preference for bigger guys, and that’s okay. Everyone has their different preferences, but I personally don’t want to be fetishized and have to question if the person I want to be with wants to be with me or just the fetish they are after.

What The Gay Dating App World Really Needs

There’s also Tinder! Which I know for most straight people it’s just a hook-up app. When two people hook up through Tinder it’s called a tinder-bang. But I feel for the gay community it’s more about going on actual dates and to meet people rather than it just being one of the many hook-up apps for gays. That’s how I feel it’s like. I have talked to genuine people on it, I even met a guy off it at the beginning of the year and we’ve actually become good friends. And no, not with benefits but we have become good friends.

I’ve also never been to a gay club before. I honestly don’t feel like I would fit in to that scene and feel like I would be eaten alive in that environment. I’m not small; I don’t have the right clothing or hairstyle. I just wouldn’t fit in at all.

But after going through so much self-discovery and not loving myself for a very long time, I have come to realise that you need to look after yourself first and foremost. As the great RuPaul would say:

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anyone else? Can I get an amen?”

And those words are very true! I honestly do believe that you need to learn love yourself before you let anyone in.

Since coming to this realisation, I have decided to have a different outlook on life and have even given the apps another go. I have redone my profile after re-evaluating what I want and I feel like with a more genuine profile that has a positive view, I have gotten a better reception. I still find it hard to be part of the gay community even though there are definitely a lot of loving people in it. I feel that if I work on myself as a person, I can be included to be a part of this community and meet new people.

But hey, I must be doing something right, because just today I got asked out on a date, so that must mean progress right? I sure hope so! I am getting dressed up in designer clothing just for the occasion.

Author: Brett is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Richard runs the marketing and social profiles of adultsmart and adultsmart blog. He has been in the industry just over 10 years and enjoys his role both in an administrative capacity as well keeping abreast of issues relating to sexual health and lifestyles. adultsmart.com.au

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