Multi-Level Marketing Morons

“It’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s an inverted funnel enterprise!”

“Are you open-minded?”

Ah yes…the classic spiel of every multi-level marketing (MLM) Moron to throngs of unsuspecting victims who will eventually join the ranks of the horde of MLM Morons. Why? It’s because they’re easily suckered not just into joining the horde but also duping more morons into it! And because I love and care for you greatly even if I don’t have any freakin’ idea of who you are, I will spill the beans on these MLM Morons who will attempt to woo you and dupe you into becoming one of them. What will the world look like if not for their essential oils and whatnot?

I’d like to think of MLM professionals and recruiters as more evolved forms of the zombies you find on The Walking Dead and World War Z. Why evolved? First of all, once they get their teeth in ya, it’s over. Game over. You immediately become like them – an MLM Moron!

But they’re more sinister than the zombies in those two landmark zombie shows because their minds are evolved to the point that they can masterfully plan and execute strategies to convert people into MLM morons day in and day out, night in and night out – like clockwork! Thousands if not millions of highly infectious MLM Morons capable of quickly infecting millions of unsuspecting victims should be enough to make you shiver at the knees and think about the quick-approaching MLM apocalypse! At least, an apocalypse that can happen in your personal world!

But worry not, my child! I’m your MLM savior – the person who can snatch and keep you from the jaws of MLM Mormonism or if you’ve already been infected, I have the cure! So stay with me and finish reading this landmark treatise on MLM Moron exposition and you will be saved! Put your faith in me and I will save your soul from being corrupted into an MLM Moron!

Know Thy Enemy

Unlike the zombies you see on zombie-themed TV shows and movies that you can easily identify through their very ugly faces, skin, and clothing as well as their zombie-speak, MLM Morons are much harder to spot! It’s because, like I mentioned earlier, they’re much more evolved than real zombies. In fact, they’re even more evolved than most human beings in terms of gall and cunning! That’s why they’re some of the most sinister enemies you can ever have! Their so good at what they do that some companies have really made a name in the mainstream as well.

So how can you smell if the person you’re dealing with is an MLM Moron? Allow me to illuminate your mind that’s currently in the MLM Moron darkness with the light of truth that will set you free!

The Invite

Unless you sharpen your senses, your observation skills, and your ability to judge people’s characters and intentions, it will be very hard to keep the MLM Morons from placing one foot inside your territory, which they can do when they manage to convince you to have coffee with them on a specific day and time. Usually, these are people who are either old friends or acquaintances you haven’t had any contact in ages who suddenly pop into your life and demand to meet up with you at a specific time and place! Okay, demand is kind of pushing it. I think the more politically correct term is stubbornly insist that you commit to meet them on a specific date and time and won’t take neither “no” nor “I’ll let you know later when I’m free.” for an answer. Think about it: neither you nor that person really cared for each other in the past or for the longest time so why are they very “excited” to meet up with you as soon as possible? That’s right: they’re looking for potential victims to be assimilated into the horde! And if you’re a nice person who never judges others or thinks ill about other people, you will not be able to see this subtle red flag and you will probably agree to walk into the lion’s den without any clue of the fate that awaits you! Their targets, for some reason are usually military wives, SAHMs or just dull blokes who happen to have some confidence.

Another red flag that will give away an MLM Moron when inviting you to have coffee or whatever is when you ask them why they’d all of a sudden like to meet with you, they’ll tell you:

They simply want to share with you an awesome business opportunity that you can take advantage of; or

They just want to catch up.

On the first answer, you can ask what opportunity is that. And if they answer something else other than a very clear reason for meeting up, that’s a sure sign that what they want to meet up with you about is MLM.

“My, how judgmental you are!” you may tell me. Why do I easily assume that refusal to give an exact, clear answer as to why they want to meet up with me after all these years is automatically a sinister intention of biting me and turning me into a fellow MLM Moron? It’s because these people know that given the stinking reputation MLM people already have just about anywhere in the world, telling you the official MLM reason will most likely make you decline meeting up with them. In other words, by concealing their true MLM Moronic intentions, they’re hoping you’ll walk into their trap, their lion’s den! At that point, it’s almost all but sure that you’ll become one of them.

Your most trusted friends will tell you right off the bat that they want to recruit you for their MLM, which is great because you already know the trap you’ll be walking into. At least you have a chance. But with people who you hardly see or meet up with who suddenly express an extraordinary fondness for you and meet up with you at their expense, beware especially if they refuse to give you the exact reason for meeting up with you or if they say that it’s about a great “investment” scheme.

Prevention is much better than cure so take note of this red flag and as soon as you see it, run for the hills and never look back!

The Leading Questions

Now, it’s highly possible for more evolved and aware members of the MLM Moronic horde to be one step ahead of you by manipulating circumstances so that they’ll be able to back you into a corner from which you won’t be able to neither avoid nor escape them. For example, they may stalk you and corner you at the gym where you work out or along your favorite running route and strike a conversation with you. How will you know if they’re members of the horde? By the leading questions they ask.

One of the most common questions MLM Morons ask their would-be victims is “Are you open-minded?” Think about this: who in their right frame of mind would admit to anybody that they’re close-minded? That’s right – only bigots and radical religious zealots! But of course, you’re not one of them so the most logical answer you’d give is “Yes I am, you betcha!” From that answer, they will ask you more questions or tell you things wherein you’ll most likely answer in ways that will make you consider joining their horde or decide to join already. Why most likely? It’s because of our natural tendency to save face and maintain integrity. By answering “Yes!” to the first leading question of open-mindedness, you’ll most likely be forced to uphold that reputation of yours by answering questions or even doing things that will lead you to join the horde.

Other examples of leading questions that most normal people will answer, “Yes” to include:

Do you want to become financially independent?

Do you want to retire early and live the life?

Do you want to feel fulfilled?

So how do you answer questions such as these? You don’t. By answering the question either way, you’re letting them take control of the conversation, which is what most salespeople – legit or otherwise – are trained to do. Take control of the conversation by asking them directly to get straight to the point or if you’re even bolder, ask them if they’re going to pitch an MLM or investment scheme. By doing so, you knock them off their planned, manipulative spiels and have them scrambling to figure out how to answer you.

As one of my favorite rock bands of all time sang, you gotta take the power back!

Extreme Optimism

Another way you can “smell” the enemy is by their annoyingly extreme optimism. They will sell you the stars and the moon by saying so many people have already made so much money simply by selling their MLM’s products and when you ask them what are the chances you won’t make money off their scheme, they’ll either evade the question by pointing the successful MLM Morons in their horde or tell you that your risk is either very low or practically zero.

If they insist that you’ll surely make money from their MLM, tell them 2 things that’ll burst their bubble. First, tell them if they know the basic principle of investing, which is the higher your expected return, the higher the financial risk you face. That means you can’t have a low risk, high-return investment or a no risk, high return investment. That’s the stuff only morons believe!

Second, tell them of the statistics cited in a Federal Trade Commission’s Con report prepared by Jon M. Taylor, MBA and Ph.D., from the Consumer Awareness Institute. In said report, which was based on actual surveys of MLM Morons, it was found that over 99% of MLM Morons never make enough money to recoup their initial investments. In short, only less than 1% of these morons ever get to recoup the money they shelled out to be part of the horde. And the percentage of the highly successful ones are even lower.

Recruitment

Lastly, you will know the enemy by their emphasis on the need to recruit more morons into the horde from whom you can make a lot of commission income to make your financial dreams come true. That’s the trademark of MLM companies, which makes them legalized pyramid schemes. Why? Because they know at some point, demand for their products will either plateau or go downhill if they don’t add fresh, new moron blood to the horde – morons who are enthusiastic and excited to corner people and mislead them into joining the ranks!

How to Escape

Fortunately, the hordes of MLM Morons aren’t as powerful as cults like Scientology or The Illuminati, i.e., they can ruin your lives if you attempt to leave the horde. If you’re already part of a horde, the best thing you can do is to just cut your financial losses by simply using the products yourself – if they’re really worth using – and just stop recruiting people. These hordes won’t go out of their way to assassinate you, hold your family hostage, or harass you like the way Leah Remini was harassed by her former cult, the church of Scientology. Yes, your up line will probably bug you about it via email, texts, and phone calls but if you just stand your ground, he or she’ll stop after a week of doing so.

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