It is almost three years ago to the day that I first used the phrase Failing Grayling. A nickname for Chris Grayling that I have gone on to use with increasing frequency as his disasters have magnified exponentially. Now Failing Grayling has not just become common parlance across the whole country, it has gone international – with the New York Times dedicating a whole profile to our newest global export.

In a hotly contested field of political uselessness, Grayling has become a world leader. A true legend, a superstar. A latterday Mr Bean. Only without the comedy or the charisma. And a lot more damaging. A governmental financial black hole into which billions of pounds of the country’s money disappears without trace. If he didn’t exist, it would be hard to invent him.

Just about the last person in the known universe to still appreciate Grayling’s award-winning hopelessness has been the prime minister, who has now taken to expressing her full confidence in her transport secretary on an hourly basis. But even she is now having her doubts. For on a day when Labour tabled two urgent questions in relation to Failing Grayling’s continuing disasters, the man himself was nowhere to be seen in the Commons. Missing in action. Missing inaction. Take your pick. A liability to himself as well as the country, having accidentally stapled his finger to his desk.

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In fairness, the first UQ related to Failing Grayling’s time as justice secretary. Not that this narrowed things down much, as almost every reform he initiated has since been reversed at considerable cost. So the shadow justice secretary, Richard Burgon, kept it simple by citing the National Audit Office’s damning criticisms of Grayling’s part-privatisation of the probation service that had resulted in both an overspend of £467m and a vast increase in offenders returning to prison after breaking their licence conditions. A classic Grayling lose-lose. It takes a lot of effort to be that bad.

It was left to the junior justice minister, Rory Stewart, to try to clean up the mess. Stewart is too decent and kind a man to point out that the cock-ups had all been made before he was appointed to the department. Instead he tried to look on the bright side. Grayling had performed a valuable service by showing us what didn’t work, so we could try to build on that.

Labour’s Diana Johnson suggested the main lesson might be never to put Grayling in charge of another department. “Unfair,” said Stewart, sounding genuinely hurt. It was important to give everyone a fair chance. Failing Grayling had had a troubled and chaotic childhood and it was important neither the cabinet nor the country give up on him at such a critical time in his rehabilitation. At least that’s what it said in his probation report.

Things became steadily more surreal when Matt Hancock, the man-boy Tigger-like health secretary, appeared at the dispatch box to answer a question on why the Department for Transport had failed to observe the proper procurement procedures. Instead it had chosen to award a ferry contract to a company with no ferries and had been forced to agree a £33m out-of-court settlement with Eurotunnel.

“I would like to give an update on medicines,” said Tigger, to everyone’s general bewilderment. It was like this. Medicines would now come in to the country on Eurotunnel so it was a vital issue. He didn’t explain how the government had intended to bring medicines into the country before handing over £33m to Eurotunnel. Best that way. Tiggers didn’t need that level of knowledge.

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There were a few loyal Tory backbench voices to congratulate Tigger on his performance – it was important that everyone did their bit by stocking up on Valium in Calais and bringing them back on Eurostar to help people deal with the stress of Brexit, insisted Vicky Ford. But the overwhelming response from Labour and some saner Conservatives was: “Where’s Failing Grayling?” And could someone please say where the £33m was coming from, who was responsible and whether settling out of court would open the government to other financial liabilities from other interest parties?

“Medicines, medicines, medicines,” Tigger gabbled, feverishly sticking to the script of an entirely different show. Hancock’s half hour. Except, as the Speaker observed, at least that Hancock had been intentionally funny. Not that Tigger minded much. He’s nothing if not game, even if he couldn’t actually bring himself to mention Failing Grayling by name.

Bizarrely, he even appeared to be enjoying himself. But then Hancock and other ministers have a lot to thank Grayling for. Failing Grayling’s job has never been to be minister of justice or transport. It’s to be minister for misdirection. To get everyone focusing on his own failures that no one pays any attention to everyone else’s incompetence. He is the lightning rod. The man who fails so the rest of the cabinet don’t have to. And at times like these, he’s never been so valuable.