What is it about food that turns people into horrible assholes? Like, you’re hanging out, drinking beers, playing Jenga and one person in your group is like “Hey! I’m hungry! Who wants to get some food?” And then the discussion begins about where everyone wants to go. And then one person pipes up, “I don’t care I just want to make sure there’s something there for me to eat.” Then everyone looks at that person annoyed because yeah, obviously there will be something for them to eat. It’s a damn restaurant, FFS. And then the person qualifies that by saying they have some kind of self or medically imposed dietary restriction. AND WITH THAT THEY RUINED EVERYTHING. The conversation moves from “Yeah, we all would like pizza!” to “Hey, you’re a huge asshole and you don’t even know how to eat and let me tell you everything that is wrong with your diet and why you merely speaking up that you want an option is oppressing me. AND WHAT ABOUT BACON? DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BACON?” And the food-restricted friend is like “Um, what the hell is wrong with you? I’m allergic to tree nuts what does that have anything to do with bacon?” Melee ensues. Everyone starts throwing beer bottles at each other. A few people get stabbed. The police show up. A few people get life in prison. The rest block each other on Twitter. Guaranteed. Every fucking time.

First, let me propose a rule that anyone who invokes bacon during any food argument is automatically banned from contributing anything else to the conversation… or really any conversation at all for the rest of the day. Or week. Or maybe ever.

What is it about other people’s diets that makes people insane? People are emotional about food. I get that. But I don’t understand the hostile defense of our diets.

For example, people REALLY hate vegans. Like, you have that one friend who you’ve known for 20 years then one day they happen to mention in a conversation that they are vegan and suddenly everyone in the room is screaming at the vegan telling them to get off their pretentious soap box and FUCK YOU BACON BACON BACON I LOVE EATING ANIMALS STOP ATTACKING MY WAY OF LIFE. Actually, just utter the word “vegan” and everyone assumes you just said “Please tell me how much you hate vegans.”

Then there’s the “I’m better than you because my diet is better than yours” folk who are always countered by the people who think they’re better than the healthy food eaters because they eat nothing but deep-fried lard balls covered in hollandaise and alfredo sauce. One likes to give you unsolicited advice on what is wrong with your diet. Whenever possible. They sit on social media and wait for you to mention that you’re eating yogurt and they’re like MONSANTO IS KILLING YOU WITH GMO YOGURT FRUITS! THAT’S LIKE THE WORST THING YOU CAN EAT! TRY KALE! MAKE YOUR OWN YOGURT! OUT OF KALE! The other makes YouTube videos to evangelize how you don’t even need lube to masturbate while eating cheesy onion-ring burgers.

And people generally think they know what you SHOULD eat based on what THEY would do in your situation. We tell people who are thin to eat more junk food. We tell people who are fat to eat… well, really nothing at all except maybe just a handful of tapeworms. And we especially love to tell poor people to try harder to eat healthy.

And what’s with the horror that kids have deadly food allergies? As if not bringing in confetti guns filled with peanut butter sugar cakes to school is a violation of my basic human rights and I shouldn’t be willing to surrender that right to a bunch of kids who are like “Please don’t let me die. I just want to learn math.” It’s weird that people are more concerned about their right to hurt children in the name of food than about actually hurting children in the name of food.

Do you get food judgey? Are you a defiant mayo-sturbator? Do you eat healthy? Do you hate people who eat different foods than you? What food lectures drive you crazy? How do people think you can put ketchup on a hot dog? Who the fuck does that? That’s basically the same as drowning puppies.