If you've seen even just half an hour of HBO's most talked-about show, True Detective (coming to a close on Sky Atlantic this weekend) TV's most meaningful cop, the furrow-faced anti-hero Rust Cohle, will have made an impression. There's rarely a moment when his solemn detective work isn't served with a side of Nietzsche-rivalling nihilism, making him (played by Matthew McConaughey) the tortured yin to the regular-guy yang of his partner Martin Hart (Woody Harrelson). He's the man who can suss out weakness and wither it with one southern snarl, monologue his way through a police interrogation while sinking a four-pack of beer, and reel off metaphysical maxims with the ease of someone tying their shoelaces. Never before has a telly detective wanged on about the fourth dimension and managed to be so cool at the same time. In fact, his wisdom is so astute he'd make a brilliant agony uncle. Wouldn't he? Lucky, then, that we dialled our exclusive Rustin Cohle hotline for a bit of What Would Rust Cohle Do logic. Yes, here he is, answering your real* modern-day problems.

I've been with my partner for three months and they want to take things to the next level. I haven't been intimate with anyone in a while and I'm really nervous – I don't want them to be disappointed. What should I do?

Helen, London

Rust says: Helen, relationships are an endless war where no one wins or loses. But remember that disappointment is a construct of our shared belief in this fallacy that we call reality, when in fact all we are is individual islands of interconnected atoms whose treacherously evolving physiology had led to a psychological desire to believe our problems matter, when in fact they're inane, inconsequential specks of dust in a bottomless ocean of the world's apathy. In other words, just get on with it.

All of my friends are settling down and having babies but I don't feel ready yet. When will I know it's the right time?

Stuart, Edinburgh

Rust says: There is never a right time. We are carriers of the life disease, programmed to pass it on to our victims under the guise that we are procreating for the better, when all we're doing is sleepwalking into an endless stream of nappies and daycare and unmanageable populations. Humanity is an aberration. You are the monster. Do everyone a favour, Stuart, and end it all now.

It's hard to look in the mirror sometimes without feeling insecure about my appearance. How can I feel better about myself?

Simon, London

Rust says: Beauty is in the eyeball-sized mirror of the beholder. Only then, Simon, will you be able to see the real truth about yourself and access the locked room that lays the human condition bare.

I'm concerned that I'm not living life to the full. I get a severe #Fomo attack every time l log onto Facebook. How can I enjoy my own life more?

Anna, St Ives

Rust says: Relax, Anna, no one is having more fun than you. There is no fun, only the pipes of the universe's cosmic organ vibrating into the abyss and creating the illusion in the spirals of our minds that fun is a tangible thing that we must have and can feel and enjoy. Turn off the internet and enjoy the abyss for once.

I'm in a long-term relationship but lately I've found myself attracted to other people, like my co-workers. Do I stay true or let my sexual impulses run wild?

Andrew, Bristol

Rust says: Like I've said before, human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. The only victory is the one where no one tells you what to do or is able to stop you. Then again, Andrew, I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice on this subject. Or on how to make friends in the workplace. The best time to start drinking is in the daytime, however …

I've got a job interview coming up and I'm not sure what to wear. I want to look professional but not uptight, cool but not try-hard, hot but not sleazy-hot. Any suggestions?

John, Norwich



Rust says: The world needs badly dressed men. We keep the other badly dressed men from the door. I try to keep things simple. White shirts say you're boring, or probably a religious nut, so opt for ones the colour of weak tea or, to mix it up a bit, grey. Nothing says take me seriously like a dark chino and corduroy blazer combination and don't forget to accessorise with a leather bound ledger and dead-inside stare. Time is a flat circle, so eventually it'll all come back into fashion one day.

If you have any dilemmas that need Rust Cohle's advice, why not leave your questions in the comments below?

True Detective concludes at 9pm on Saturday, 9pm, on Sky Atlantic.

* And, yes, we made it all up.