I don’t want to oversell this, but Swingers is one of the greatest movies of all time! I was recently re-watching this classic and realized that not only is it hilarious, but it is also a storehouse for some pretty sage relationship advice. Seriously, how else would we know that the industry standard for a callback is three days (“two’s enough not to look anxious, but three days is kind of money”) or that no matter how much you want them to, ex-partners won’t come back until you really forget them? And let’s be honest, it was Trent who taught us that sometimes girls aren’t looking for the good guy…”Beautiful babies don’t want a nice guy, so don’t be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen, be the guy in the rated R movie that you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. Be a bad man!” (Click here for our article about nice guys finishing last.)

Looking back, it’s possible that my entire research program has been shaped by this movie! I mean, I picked a graduate program that focused on the role of self-esteem in shaping relationship outcomes, which is a major theme in this movie. Coincidence, I don’t know! So, what is self-esteem? It’s a fancy-schmancy psychology word for the way people feel about themselves. What I find most interesting about self-esteem is that it is not always aligned with reality or how other people feel about us. Think about it, you’ve probably got a friend with the kind of deluded self-confidence that makes them think they can get any partner, rock any outfit, or that everything they think is a piece of wisdom worth sharing! On the flip-side, we all know that person who is objectively great, but for some reason seems to doubt how special they are, just like Mikey from Swingers.

Not surprisingly, self-esteem can make us do some pretty crazy things, and by extension, can greatly impact our romantic lives. In the scene below, Mikey is calling Nikki, a girl he met at the Dresden. Although she likes him, his self-doubt leads him to sabotage any hope of starting a relationship, as we see him break-up with her answering machine even before they go on their first date! Enjoy, but let me warn you, this scene is painful to watch…

So what did I learn from my Swingers-inspired graduate school experience (if you just started reading, that isn’t what it sounded like)? It’s not how great you are, or even in some respects how great your partner thinks you are, that matters. Rather, it is how you feel about yourself that impacts your romantic life.1 Unfortunately, low self-esteem people doubt their own worth. This, in turn, leads them to underestimate their partner’s affection and commitment. In an attempt to preemptively minimize the pain associated with rejection, they derogate loving partners and break-up perfectly healthy relationships. High self-esteem people fare much better. They believe that they are worthy and lovable, and as a consequence, fail to see signs of rejection even when they do exist. Instead, these individuals respond to rebuffs or snubs by drawing closer to their partners, which strengthens their relationships.2

In other words, Mikey may be a “big bear with claws and fangs,” but the reason he doesn’t know how to “kill the bunny” is because he has low self-esteem. So, if you find yourself doubting how great you are, just remember, “You’re so money, and you don’t even know it!” Believing in yourself will not only help you land a great partner, but it will also increase your chances of maintaining a satisfying, successful relationship.3

1Murray, S. L., Rose, P., Bellabia, G. M., Holmes, J. G., & Kusche, A. G. (2002). When rejection stings: How self-esteem constrains relationship-enhancement processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 556-573.

2Murray, S. L., Derrick, J., L., Leder, S., & Holmes, J. G. (2008). Balancing connectedness and self-protection goals in close relationships: A levels-of-processing perspective on risk regulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94, 429-459.

3Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). Self-esteem and the quest for felt security: How perceived regard regulates attachment processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 478-498.

Dr. Sadie Leder – Science of Relationships articles | Website/CV

Dr. Leder’s research focuses on how people balance their desires for closeness and protection against rejection, specifically during partner selection, goal negotiation within established romantic relationships, and the experience of romantic love, hurt feelings, and relationship rekindling.