I have never simultaneously loved and hated something as much as I do you, Twitter. You’re the app that I use the most on my phone, by far, and yet, I don’t really use you. The inherent crappiness of you, forces me to use Fenix instead—a 3rd party app. But more on this later.

I’m pissed at you in a whole host of ways: I’m pissed at your CEO, I’m pissed at your @twitter; which never fucking responds, and I’m pissed at how fucking hard it is for people to understand how to use you Twitter! I’m pissed at how ridiculously awful your search function is. I’m pissed that users have just one way of marking tweets: a fucking star. What the fuck is a star for anyway? What does that even fucking mean? Am I starring tweets because I love them? Hate them? Come back and reread them? I mean, WTF, right?

So how do we fix you, my dear Twitter?

Maybe I want to save a tweet to read later. A save button would be great. Instead, all I get is that aforementioned star. Maybe I want to follow a tweet, and get an alert when someone responds to it. You know, sort of like following a conversation? Maybe give me a section on your app or site where I can easily track my “followed tweets.”

You know what button I would like? An up-vote one. Reddit that shit up. Steal it. I don’t care. It’s a valuable tool; I want to know how many people agree with someone.

Your search function is pathetic. It really is. Being the Fantasy Football crackhead that I am, I will go to you instead of Google to know what’s happening with my players. I can find the latest injuries, starter reports, the weather, even find out if my player was out last night doing coke off a stripper’s ass. How about you incorporate a BIG search box at the top of the your app? It’s one of the most powerful tools the internet has and yet half of your users don’t even know it exists! And you know that cool “search suggest” that Google does when you type something? That would be fucking great too.

Know what else? Your website is a mess. To setup a mobile notification for someone, I have to go to their profile and then click on that option wheel. You know, the one that most people are scared of clicking because it reminds them of something that can break shit. How about a button that just says MOBILE ALERT? Why do I fucking have to click a setting button and then select Turn on, to turn on mobile notifications? What the fuck are people over there smoking? (I would like some, please.)

It’s fucking ridiculous that you can have the same thing going on and eight different hash tags about it. I.e.,… For the Superbowl on Sunday, we’ll see #SB49, #superbowl #NEvsSEA, #SEAvsNE and a dozen fucking other hashtags that are trending. How about this fucking genius idea:… when someone types #superbowl, you suggest that they use #SB49 (or whatever the fucking “official hash tag” is). This way, the few people that actually know how to use Twitter and are looking up conversations about the Superbowl go to one fucking stream. Fucking amen. And don’t even get me started on #blizzard2015 #juno #blizzard #blizzardnyc. It’s all a fucking joke. The good news is, the hashtag map may already exist. Services like Hashtagify.me have hashtag maps that could form the basis for the engine.

If Google Now can figure out what I’m watching, why can’t you?

You know how people love going on Twitter to tweet about their favorite TV show? Have my phone’s mic pick up what I am watching and automatically add the proper hashtag to my tweet.

Twitter, I don’t use your app. That in itself is a huge problem. The app I use, thankfully, doesn’t show me ads. This, however, creates a problem for you, financially speaking. The app I use allows me to easily pin lists and click on them. Yours doesn’t. Please walk over to the engineers that design your sorry fucking excuse for an app and slap them on the head. Then show them this app called Fenix and tell them to fucking copy it.

You want to make more money? Here’s a fucking few ideas.

Tom Brady passes to Rob Gronkowski for the game winning score; throw an ad up that instantly allows you to buy a jersey from one of these two cheaters. Most of the morons that get easily over-excited would instantly click on the buy button — generating you money. Bonus points if you have the ad appear when I’m looking at the #sb49 stream.

Oh cool, I can buy this!

I’m in the Pearl Jam fan club whose site always goes down when they sell limited shit. Have them use Twitter to sell their shit. I can guarantee you Twitter won’t go down when they release 200 limited edition socks or a cool as fuck t-shirt. Oh, and you see that buy button? Replace it with a ‘Bid” button and you've just killed eBay too. They can be reached here: @pearljam. You’re welcome.

You want to hit me with some relevant ads? The more you let me do besides a star, the more you’ll know about me. Nothing gets me more excited than an ad that I actually WANT to click on.

Destroy Google where it hurts — SEARCH. How about when I go to Twitter on my desktop it looks like the Google Homepage. One box to search. You are the king of real-time search. Make it happen.

Finally, I understand that your stock price matters. And I get that Wall Street wants that important “new users” metric. So, I was all for this week’s announcements to help get new users. But please don’t forget about the people that are already here — your MAU (monthly active users)!