I’d like to present an option to cheating: polyamory — having more than one romantic relationship with the full knowledge of all involved.

I’ve been married for 10 years to a wonderful woman. We have two kids and have been polyamorous for five years.

The idea that one person can fill all the needs of another is one that I find ludicrous.

My wife had wants and needs that I can’t and don’t want to fulfil.

She gets those needs fulfilled by her boyfriend. I get some things from my girlfriend that my wife can’t or is unwilling to provide. Everyone’s happy!

Happy Solution

I believe that you’re happy. And it may well be that your wife, her boyfriend, and your girlfriend are all happy too.

You didn’t ask for advice, but you clearly seek a reaction.

To me, polyamory requires even more skill than a one-couple relationship, since this type tries to “fulfil” more people and juggle them timewise (an arrangement that may work for awhile but can be affected by changing circumstances).

Its clear advantage against “cheating” is that no one needs to sneak around.

And yet . . . there are still some familiar relationship risks.

One of you could find there’s greater satisfaction from the added lover than from the spouse, and not need the work and bother of maintaining two relationships or more.

Also, not everyone’s emotionally suited to this level of inclusive intimacy and acceptance.

Nevertheless, it’s your choice and nobody’s business if there’s mutual agreement with your partner(s).

There are enough people who identify as polyamorous that an estimated 500,000 such relationships existed in the U.S. as of July 2009 (in a then-total population of 306.8 million), according to Newsweek Magazine online, referenced in Wikipedia.

The umbrella term “polyamorous relationships” covers a variety of different arrangements.

Example: Some who promote polyamory have written to me that firm “rules” must be set, to keep boundaries intact within the spousal agreement, e.g. no falling in love with others, and never having sex with them in the matrimonial bed.

I’m sure many readers will have an opinion on all of this.

I have a crush on this guy whom I’ve only known for a little while. We don’t see each other that much, we both are busy (I work and go to school. He also works).

But when we do get together, we have a blast. We met through an activity we both love to do — line dancing. Once we introduced ourselves, we became friends. Not long after getting to know his personality, I started to have feelings for him.

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I want to tell him but he keeps giving me mixed signals on whether he likes me back.

I wish that I knew if he liked me or not, and I wish that I wasn’t scared to tell him how I feel.

Uncertain Crush

It seems you don’t know much about this guy’s life outside of line-dancing. But there is one important fact you need to find out: Does he already have a significant other?

If yes, it can be awkward and embarrassing for you to share your feelings at this point.

Instead, work the line-dancing connection. Say how much you’ve enjoyed it, and how much you’ve enjoyed it with him.

Ask if he has time for pursuing more of it together.

If he hesitates or mutters about being “too busy,” I suggest you consider your “crush” as a private feeling, until you know more about him.

Tip of the day

Polyamory is a relationship lifestyle that involves having more than one partner by mutual consent between everyone involved.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.

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