Disclaimer: This post is being written with a lot of sarcasm as I am a good driver and absolutely can’t tolerate these heroes on the road and am ok to take up a fight with them as and when required (and this is not road rage)

Basis my 18 years of driving experience (don’t start guessing my age, I am and look young), I have categorized these heroes into categories. I will also talk about their personality types and why they are the heroes.

1. The Honking Heroes: These are the go-getters who want to get everything in life by shouting their way through. They are the ones who do not let you talk during group discussions or office meetings. They love their horns and pressing them for no reason whatsoever. They are found mostly at traffic signals right behind you. Doesn’t matter if the signal is red or green, they would honk. How to avoid: best is to ignore, crank up the volume of your music system. Warning: do not get into a horn fight with them as they would win for sure.

2. The Zebra Heroes: The derive pleasure out of doing the extraordinary, they like standing out (literally). They are found at traffic signals just after the stop line on the poor zebra. They hate pedestrians by birth. They may be colour blind (white is what they don’t see). Don’t step in front of them wearing all whites as they might see through your clothes and think that you are naked. How to avoid: you can’t do much unless you are an honest cop (that prefix is necessary). Warning: Do not be the person in front of them at a traffic signal as their urge to be on the zebra would elevate them to category one Hero, the Honking Hero.

3. The VIP (Hero): I don’t know if I should call them a hero at all. These people have arrived in life (or so they think). They own the road, who are you to argue. Recognized by a beacon (might be illegal) and they have a siren installed in their cars which goes off whenever you step in front of them. Car could be an Ambassador but mostly a SUV. How to avoid: Give way, as they have no sense of right of way (most people don’t have a clue). Warning: Don’t mess with them else you would waste your time and intellect and in occasional cases be beaten up by their bouncer (heartless and brainless). Feel free to mess with them if you are a VIP yourself but in that case you would either be their friend or you would be fighting with a non hero like me.

4. The Relaxed Hero: They know their speed and have cruise control in their cars (its manual cruise control and not automatic). They drive at a constant speed (mostly 30-50 kph) in the right most lane and are oblivious to honking or VIPs or any other heroes. They have ill-effect on people and even non heroes could show symptoms of honking heroes. How to avoid: overtake them from left. Warning: Don’t drive behind them unless you are with your girl in the car and want to waste all the time in the world or you want to arrive late to office with the reason being bad traffic.

5. The Bright Heroes: These are the once who like the limelight. They are bright personalities. First thing they do after buying a car is to go to a car accessories shop and get their stock 60-55 bulbs removed and get 100-90 with relays or xenon/ HID or projector lamps installed and they drive on high beam, always, forever. How to avoid: try and use dipper to suggest them to switch to lower beam (most unlikely). My dream: to have strobe lights fitted on my car for these heroes and when they do not lower the beam, switch them on, turning them blind (but that would make me a bright hero, wont it?).

6. The Busy Heroes: These are extremely busy people and highly social, who have a craving to communicate at all times. They are found everywhere, on bikes, cars, pedestrians. How does it matter if it is illegal, they have to take that phone call. They are mostly recognized by a tilted neck. These heroes would define evolution of mankind by developing a third hand which will grow between the ear and the neck which will be short in length to hold the mobile phone. (this is how fish developed legs). Warning: Maintain distance at all times. You don’t need to be close to them anyway. They can connect on the phone.

7. The Hero Heroes: They are the real heroes. They are the best, like to take risks, would make great entrepreneurs. They do not believe in safety at all, seat-belts, helmets are for the losers. They do not believe in all this. Their favourite drink is Mountain Dew and their favourite song “Living on the Edge”. They are often associated with drunk driving or driving on the wrong side of the road. How to avoid: you don’t need to, they are very fast, they would avoid you.

8. The Parking Heroes: They are the sticking types, highly committed and would make good spouse material. They park themselves at any place and then stick to it no matter what. Mostly found on the road parked anywhere they want. Favourite feature of the car for them is the hazard warning switch (turn both blinkers on if you don’t know). They can park in the first lane, second, third etc; n-1; if there are 4 lanes they can park till the third lane, n-1 works for them always). How to avoid: don’t go to crowded markets.

9. The Walking Heroes: The are extremely fit people, they love to walk, anywhere they want, whenever they want. They have powerful hands and use them as signals to stop the oncoming traffic. they also don’t understand zebras or FOBs (foot over bridges). They are found everywhere.. How to avoid: learn to brake hard, very hard as they can appear from anywhere. Warning: even the law states that they have the right of way and if you are in a car you are always at fault and no body understands the term Jay walking.

10. The Fighting Hero: Well they would make great soldiers, beat the shit out of enemies. They are found everywhere, usually characterized by VIP heroes, Honking, Bright, Parking, Zebra etc. and they will give you the middle finger or the fist whatever they deem fit for you to show you your place. How to avoid: do not get of your car ever, never roll down your window and apologize even if you are not at fault. Warning: don’t argue.

11. The Cop Heroes: Won’t discuss the honest cop here as we are talking of heroes. They are the ones who sneak in silently, do their job and sneak out, completely oblivious to the happenings in their surroundings. Mostly found in shade wearing Aviators, under a tree or a closeby pan shop or a chai stall but never at a traffic signal. They are the ones who take your taxes home as salaries. How to avoid: usually hard to find as they are in standing under a tree (unless its month end and they need some money). Be a non hero to avoid them.

Now that I am a non traffic hero and do not wish to be one, i really hope that roads are free of these heroes (yes I am an optimist).