Russian agents all across Europe are engaged in a campaign of feces terror against helpless U.S. diplomats and their carpets, according to anonymous but very reliable sources that spoke with a celebrated Washington Post stenographer.

For most Americans, Josh Rogin is the nice man they sometimes see on television patiently explaining why we need to drop bombs on someone far, far away. For Russia watchers in particular, he is celebrated for his invaluable contributions to the always-growing list of things that Moscow has somehow "weaponized."

As a very serious journalist with lots of fancy friends in Washington, Rogin is usually one pile of crap ahead of other professional fearmongers. Sometimes he even beats Anne Applebaum to a hot, steamy scoop, as his latest investigation into the rude behavior of Russia's notorious Federal Security Service (FSB) clearly shows:

Potty tactics In a series of secret memos sent back to Washington, described to me by several current and former U.S. officials who have written or read them, diplomats reported that Russian intruders had broken into their homes late at night, only to rearrange the furniture or turn on all the lights and televisions, and then leave. One diplomat reported that an intruder had defecated on his living room carpet.

Holy guacamole. Anonymous sources always have the best stories. We are jealous of Josh Rogin, who probably has a grand time sitting around the campfire with all his anonymous source friends, singing songs and making s'mores and telling scary stories about clandestine Russian poop bombings. (Important sidenote: Michael McFaul was brave enough to tell Rogin lies on the record.)

But -- and we're not trying to be pedantic here -- are we so sure that it was a FSB agent with loose bowels who desecrated this diplomat's carpet, and not, you know...the family Labrador? And is it even clear whether or not this poop-stained carpet exists in the first place (sorry for getting all metaphysical)?

Of course the Russian government denied pooping on any carpets, which is exactly what a carpet pooper would do.

This episode seems strangely similar to the trials and tribulations of Luke Harding, the one-time Moscow correspondent for the Guardian. Luke, as you might recall, was the victim of a campaign of FSB terror during his short time in Russia. Trigger warning:

When his screensaver at work is changed, it is the FSB. When his press accreditation is withdrawn, it is part of the FSB plot - despite his admission that he had broken the terms. When the Russians show leniency and extend his visa to enable his children to finish school, he reflects that this ‘was always part of the (FSB) plan’. Like the BBC attributing all possible weather conditions to climate change, one wonders what combination of events would not constitute an FSB plot.

Maybe Putin really did poop on that poor diplomat's carpet? It is technically within the realm of physical possibility, which apparently is the only prerequisite for blaming something on Russia.

We shall give Mr. Harding the last word: