A while back, I stumbled across this article: http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-someone-with-anxiety/907721/ As someone who both deals with anxiety and is in a romantic relationship, I was very curious to see what this particular writer had to say compared to the many others I have read. Lately, I see more and more articles about anxiety on my newsfeed, and despite the fact that it saddens me to see how prevalent of a problem it is, it gives me hope to know that these conversations are finally being held.

As it turns out, this article was not at all what I expected. In fact, it scared me to see so much misinformation, enabling, and negativity disguised as what was supposed to be a helpful post. For once, reading the comments was actually a positive experience, primarily filled with remarks from people who were just as frustrated with the content as I was.

But rather than write a scathing response to what I found to be an immensely problematic article, I’d instead like to turn the conversation in a more constructive direction. It is perfectly valid to feel as if your personal mental health problems cause trouble in a relationship, but posting such an individually-driven article as a generalization about anxiety is not the healthiest way to work through it. Along with this, I feel like searching for solutions is a more effective method of coping than providing what read, to me, as a warning about dangers of dating Anxious People From the Sad Lagoon.

All relationships come with struggles, and through these struggles we change and learn to become better people. While anxiety creates challenges that can feel like too much for anyone to handle, there are many ways that people can work together to improve the situation.

A note: While Gigi Engle is no anxiety expert, neither am I! Please let me know what you think about these tips if you feel moved to do so, whether you find them helpful or problematic in their own way.

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1. Ask Questions

Anxiety is not Voldemort. Talk about it. (And talk about Voldemort, honestly.) Everyone experiences anxiety differently, and the worst thing you can do if you love someone who suffers from anxiety is assume that you know exactly what is going on and how it should be handled. My anxiety is not a friend’s anxiety is not Gigi Engle’s anxiety is not a stranger on the train’s anxiety, and the only way to truly work at being an understanding friend/parent/sibling/lover/person is by asking questions and genuinely listening to the responses you are given.

If you are unsure of what kind of questions to ask, here are a few ideas: Are there any specific things that trigger your anxiety? When you’re feeling anxious, do you prefer to be touched or not touched? Has this behavior of mine been bothering you? Is there anything that you know is a comfort to you? (If you have anxiety and don’t know the answer to this, start thinking and experimenting! I hope to put up a post soon with some tips I’ve found in my trek through Stress Land.)

And some questions not to ask: Why can’t you get over it? Isn’t there just some medication for that? Why are you being difficult about this?

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2. Do Some Research

And I don’t mean clickbait articles. And I don’t mean relying on only one source, either–even if it’s this one! But if you like it enough that you considered having it be your go-to, you could always buy me a pizza or something. If you hate it, you could buy me a pizza, too. I’m just hoping for a pizza, honestly.

But snacks aside, doing research is seriously one of the most valuable things my girlfriend has done for our relationship. Much of her choice to research all sorts of medical articles, informative videos, blog posts, and stories about anxiety came from her own interest in the subject and the desire to understand what precisely was going on in the body when she would have her occasional panic attacks. Once she began dating me and experiencing what life looked like for a person who lived with a different, more pervasive kind of anxiety, her curiosity only grew and she began to search for ways to make our lives easier. As a yoga instructor and aromatherapy enthusiast, she has provided me with breathing exercises (exhaling two counts longer than inhaling), useful essential oil combinations (lavender, clary sage, and cypress mixed together in almond oil), and several yoga poses (Child’s Pose/Balasana, Standing Forward Fold/Uttanasana, Reclined Twist/Supta Matsyendrasana) that regularly help me work through my difficult times.

Her taking a personal interest without making me feel like some sort of oddity has helped enforce the idea that there are ways for me to live with these struggles without feeling insane pressure to “just be better already.” Along with this, her research on the biological elements of an anxiety attack has always been a useful reminder that during these episodes, I am not dying. It also helps her with the language that is used. After all, “You’re freaking out over nothing” sounds a whole lot more frustrated and patronizing than a simple “Fuck your adrenal glands, right?”

And honestly, it’s just really interesting stuff. Do the research–it’ll make you a smarter and more helpful person!

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3. Do Not Enable

It is easy to do. Stress breeds stress, and sadness can feel like an addiction (just ask Gotye) and pulling oneself out of it can feel near impossible, especially for those with mental health problems. In these moments, it is absolutely key to have patience and understanding, but never at the expense of actually getting better. This is probably my biggest issue with Engle’s article: It is enabling, it is manipulative, and it is unreasonable. “You have to be available 24/7,” “If he/she’s in the middle of something, you know not to speak,” “There is no such thing as relaxing,” the list goes on. This is not love; this is allowing someone to be controlled by their anxiety and to use it as an excuse to control you.

Anxiety is not necessarily something that can be “cured,” but as with all things in life, there are ways to make it better. If you as a partner (or friend or anything else) cannot bring yourself to call the people you care about out on their destructive behavior, you are not being helpful. My biggest piece of advice is to make yourself aware of the language and tone you use. Sometimes just the way in which you say “Try to remember that you are the source of your stress” can make or break a conversation. And this skill goes beyond helping people with anxiety–learning what kind of tone and wording people best respond to is key in forming positive relationships in social circles, the home, and the workplace!

This is also a place where your research can come in: once you have found some resources, it becomes a whole lot easier to help out. Instead of feeling helpless during your partner’s anxious periods, you have something you can bring to the table. Even if it is not what they need, you have still learned something, and you are still working towards finding a better way of life.

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4. Make Suggestions, Not Demands

Therapy, medication, vitamins, holistic approaches: anxiety is everywhere, and so are different methods of treatment. All people are individuals and have very different needs, and it is important to remember that you will not find any sort of instant fix to this problem. So please, do not assume medication is The Answer. For many people, it is An Answer, and one that works extremely effectively in helping them go about their daily lives, and I am not against using it as a part of treatment! But for others, it does not necessarily suit their needs. Along with this, all medications work differently for different people, so it isn’t fair to assume that what helped one person might definitely help another. While “You definitely need to go on medication” is the most common example I can think of in terms of treatment demands, this applies to everything.

Try to remember just how much is out there and how different people are. If you feel like your partner might benefit from medication, ask them to talk to their doctor and look up some things; if you feel like therapy might work, help them search for local therapists. If you’ve read about the benefits of yoga for anxiety, link them to some articles and help discover some locations in your area. But ultimately, it is their choice. All you can do is offer advice.

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5. Don’t Be a Therapist, Even (And Especially) if You’re Good at It

This is a hard one. Maybe you’re the friend people have always come to for advice, and maybe you are incredibly talented at giving it. Perhaps you’re even interested in going into therapy as a career path and you can tell yourself this is a learning experience.

But this is not your job. When your partner breaks a leg, you drive them to a hospital–you don’t reset the bone. Your job is to be a part of their support system, not their doctor or their cure. And when you know you have good advice, it can be very difficult not to devote yourself to being as helpful as you can be or convince yourself that you can fix things. Eventually, this will drain you, and the relationship will start to feel quite a bit uneven.

Know your boundaries and hold to them. If you are feeling strange about your role in the relationship, say something. And if you are someone who has anxiety, do your best to be aware of when you might be creating this sort of imbalance yourself.

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6. Remember You Are Allowed Your Own Space

Loving someone with anxiety can be very hard. Hell, loving anyone can be hard, but anxiety certainly poses a very challenging set of problems. If you are dating someone with anxiety, it is absolutely vital to remember that you are always allowed your own space whenever it is you might need it. My biggest problem with Engle’s article, and the one that might have made me the most angry, was the way the writer seemed to demand the attention of the partner like the unblinking eye of some hover-parent God. “You need to be available 24/7.”

Bullshit.

Be available when you can be. As a person with anxiety, I can vouch for the fact that it is helpful to have a person on hand. But sometimes, your primary person is busy. Sometimes they’re tired or their phone died or they’re at work or they have their own problems going on and need a little space. Anxiety does not entitle a person to absolute ownership of another’s time and energy, and to hold it over someone’s head is nothing short of cruel. Give your person as much as you can without giving away all you have–take your space. It might be hard, but you deserve it.

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7. Widen Your Social Circle

When watching a family member go through a personal struggle a couple years back, I was given some of the best advice of my life from my boss which I found in a handy link here: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407. Have a quote, but do read the whole thing:

“Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order…

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.””

I want to take a moment to make it clear that while The Ring model is, in my opinion, an excellent example to follow in these situations, I do think it is also important to talk to your partner–but it is a matter of mood and timing. If someone has had a panic attack, it can be useful to discuss it after the dust has settled and reflect on how it was handled by the both of you, and how it can be done better in the future. But when the timing just isn’t right, reach out to others. Mutual friends can be a good resource, and are often able to give you another perspective or a reminder that just as this will pass for the anxious friend, it will also pass for you.

You are very allowed to talk to other people, and I would even say that it’s a necessity. Remember what might be too personal, though. Some people do not want specific things shared, so keep in mind the trust that exists between you two and how to avoid violating it.

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8. Become an Ally

We are living in a world that is still not entirely ready to talk about anxiety and other mental illnesses. There is a serious amount of stigma that exists, and if you can be one of the people that helps to fight it, you are making the world a better place. Call people out when they dismiss the severity of mental illness, and educate those who may simply be ignorant about it despite their good intentions. Put that knowledge to good use!

Of course, if you are someone who does not have anxiety, remember not to talk over the voices of those who do. Surprisingly, there is a fine line between being an ally and being a self-congratulatory asshole. Always listen first, and learn how you can help–it is beyond appreciated.

Knowing that my girlfriend discusses mental illness with others in a useful and nonjudgmental way is validating, comforting, and helps me feel better about both the relationship I’m a part of and the world I live in.

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9. Prepare for Hard Questions

“You still love me, right?”

It’s hell to hear, but sometimes it will be asked. When you hear questions like this, remember that it is not necessarily a reflection of your behavior, but instead most likely a projection of the anxiety itself. Though do be open to criticisms about your actions and words–it is a good thing if the anxious person in question feels comfortable enough to let you know, and it offers a space for improvement.

Be gentle, be reassuring. Remind them of the things you do together, all of the experiences that show how you love them rather than just tell it. It allows them something beyond words to hold onto. Don’t take the question personally, and remember this fear will pass.

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10. Remember You Can’t Save People

Here is a fact about relationships: they are supposed to be enjoyable. A relationship is about love and trust and partnership, based in the ability to grow and the willingness to sacrifice. But sometimes it can become too much for both parties. When it comes to a relationship where one or more parties are living with anxiety or mental illness, it is easy for things to become toxic and painful if there is not work being done to ensure a healthy lifestyle.

And here is a shit fact about life: some people do not want to be helped. It hurts to say, but it is the truth. Anxiety is an exhausting thing to live with, but sometimes a person will simply not be ready to be helped in any way, more comfortable in their own misery. If this is the case, my advice is to leave. Whether a person is mentally ill or not, if they are controlling your life with their own unhappiness, it is time go. Remember: you are not a therapist and you do not belong to anyone.

Before you go, consider why things have gone this way. Learn something from it, and remember that if you cannot help a person with anxiety, it is not your fault. Sometimes there is just nothing that can be done in that moment, and all you can do is focus on self preservation.

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11. Don’t Let One Bad Experience Scare You Away

For the billionth time, all people handle their anxiety differently. We are people, not fragile things that require 24/7 attention and are prone to tantrums that rival those of toddlers when we do not get our way. There are a lot of articles out there with horrible misinformation, and a lot of people with anxiety who have not had the resources to help themselves. I will not deny that dating someone with anxiety can be extremely challenging at times, but it is not impossible or undeserving of a chance.

Life is long and wonderful, and all struggles can be made into learning experiences. Chances are, you already love someone with anxiety in some form, and you may be discovering new things without even realizing it. Forming a romantic relationship with an anxious or mentally ill person might just help you become a better person yourself if you are both willing to work together.

Love wholly and gracefully, and remember why you’re there in the first place.