COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair. “This kid is in way over his head here—there’s no way he’s going to read something as long as Charlotte’s Web,” said eyewitness Marissa Chandler, scoffing and shaking her head as she noted that the 8-year-old already had a pretty full plate after selecting Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Stuart Little. “Jesus Christ, now he’s grabbing Bridge To Terabithia! That’s way too advanced for him—he’ll never make it past the second chapter. Who does he think he is?” At press time, sources confirmed the third-grader had finally come to his senses, placing the books back on the shelves in order to use his money on some cool pens.

Advertisement