Giving yourself a Rocco Siffredi-size condiment facial for the likes is a level of desperation I hope to never reach in life. What makes it worse is that I never expected to something like this from a guy like Tom Segura

2.

My favorite thing about this sound bite is that it has the qualifier of "When he…" as if this is a very frequent situation. "When he grabs your bazongas and says 'Listen here babydoll, these two ham sammies belong to me. Comprende?'"

3.

This video hit white trash bingo between the the monster energy flat brim, cross tattoo, soul patch, jeans with no shirt look, and seatbelt buckle.

4.

I am snacking (clap)

Raw beef

chicken

shashiiiiiimi

This pork rib

is still

bleeeeding

5.

The year is 2049. After losing his life savings by investing in a line of "Achmed the Dead Terrorist" callback tones, Jeff Dunham is forced to perform on Norwegian cruise liners to pay his bills.

6.

Alternate universe Joey if he sank deeper into CFB fandom instead of being hilarious.

7.

Like the sign on his wall reminds us, it's 5 O'Clock somewhere. And 5pm in his rust belt community home is prime coochie-slurping hours.