Ladle it on with a trowel, ladies. It’s your only chance to defeat the male

By David Futrelle

The last time we checked in on YouTube philosopher racist crackpot Stefan Molyneux, he was trying his hand at slam poetry, sort of. Now he’s become a beauty blogger. Or beauty tweeter, anyway, unleashing a veritable tweetstorm on the subject of makeup over the last several days.

I’ve been going through his tweets and have extracted these Six Fun New Makeup Tips for Devious Females.

Simulate the look of sexual arousal by painting your lips a deep red because everyone who’s had actual sex with real human females knows that their lips turn the shade of a cherry whenever they’re feeling really horny. It’s just science!

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1159939516439961602

Use lipstick to arouse the male’s monkey brain, because obviously our primate ancestors wore tons of makeup. (Just don’t go too far and arouse the lizard brain because then the guy you’re trying to win might ignore you and start trying to catch nearby flies with his tongue.)

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1160015489499836416

Yeah, baby! Do my slightly pinkish lips make you horny?

Use makeup to hide the fact that you’re a wrinkled old crone of, oh, 45 or so.

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1160629105550856194

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1160680851182628864

Use makeup to manipulate gullible men and extract their man-resources!

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1160685737026752513

Feeling hungry? Apply lipstick at once and get some beta male dupe to pay for your $100 dinner.

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1160681302368161793

Use makeup to con wealthy investors into pouring millions of dollars into your fraudulent blood testing startup!

https://twitter.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1160012125936504833

Now, I suppose I should add that the last woman who pulled this particular long con got caught and is probably going to jail. But honestly, gals, her makeup skills were pretty basic, at best; surely you can do a better job and succeed where she failed!

COMING SOON (probably): Stefan takes aim at the dastardly tool of dude manipulation known as the Wonderbra.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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