Part 3: Mas un club, it's a soda too.

Beckham questions whether he likes the feeling of black rubber pellets from GS turf in his asscrack



Fuck you, I run this bitch

2006So Metro's old owners (AEG) dumped them, and Red Bull took over our franchise. They completely changed our name, crest and colors in the process. Red Bull can only be described as the rebound girl who kind of grows on you after a while, but only because your ex cheated on you with like 5 other dudes, but you know the rebound girl won't cheat so you stick with her for 5 years (even though she makes you quit most of your favorite activities..mainly winning) and eventually buys you some really nice shit.Mike Bradley was sold to Holland, Ante Razov peaced, and Eddie Gaven got traded to Columbus for Edson Buddle. Edson Buddle was not good in his stint here. He is clearly on steroids and peyote, that is the only explanation for his current form. It's all good though, our new General Manager Alexi Lalas (minus the whole ginger mullet thing) was here to cheer us up. He was our best friend after all.See?So, we're gonna have our minds blown? To say the fanbase was mutinous at this point would be an understatement. Metrofanatic turned into a warzone and long time supporters jumped ship, never to return again. However, life must go on. Red Bull tried to soften the blow by taking 800 of us on vacation one month after meeting them (fo' free). It was an all expenses paid bus trip and club party to the slum known as RFK stadium. We tied, we got in fights, fuck DC. Then, we had 33,000 show up for our home opener to see Shakira and Wyclef. We drew 0-0, no one really noticed. Then we drew again, and again, and again. Red Bull was mediocre, and the club was too. To make matters worse, our best friend peaced on us and went to go fuck our ex. That's right, Alexi Lalas went to work for AEG and the LA Galaxy. He was replaced by a man who never watched soccer, and knew (knows) nothing about the sport...Mark DeGrandpre (bitch). Meanwhile, Alexi Lalas is still a colossal asshole.About the only good thing to come out of 2006 was the emergence of a young kid named Jozy Altidore. DC Thumped us 4-1 at home, Mo Johnston got fired, and Bruce Arena took over a pathetically awful roster. Bruce stabilized the club and began to get some quality results towards the end of the season. Metro fought hard against DC, and deserved to go through, but eventually bowed out of the competition because John Conway's Geri Curls got in the way as he tried to make a save at the near post.2007Bye Amado. 2007 saw the end of the Amado Guevara era, a move which was loudly criticized by the most vocal supporters of the club. He was traded for a second DP slot (Thierry Henry is a DP by the way, and it does not stand for double penetration in this case). Claudio "Little Things" Reyna was signed, as was Clint Mathis (which everyone was pleased about). Buoyed by the emergence of the Flying Dutchman Dave van den Bergh, Metro came out on fire to start the season. There was some optimism in Jersey, and fans began to hope that the worst was behind us. Then came the single most important signing in Metro history...the signing of Juan Pablo Angel. The most prolific goal scorer in team history, our hero, and our captain. Metro was eliminated in the playoffs after Angel was injured with a concussion, and New England capitalized while we were down to 10 men. Things were looking up in Metro land however, and a solid core of players were built. RB looked poised for success in 2008. By the way, Claudio Reyna fucking blew and was hurt half of the time. The "Little Things" I spoke of were all little injuries which made him a practically useless million dollar signing.BTW Beckham showed up, but Jozy and Angel stole the show. LA finished last, Lalas got fired.2008So remember when I told you that Metro was building a quality core of players?Yeah, we fired Bruce Arena. Let me say that again...We Fired Bruce Arena. The excellent team of last year was dismantled as Marvelle Wynne was traded to Colorado, Dunivant was traded, Altidore was sold in the summer, and we paid an obscene price to hire Juan Carlos Osorio. Osorio was responsible for signing Gabriel Chichero, Jorge Rojas and Juan Pietravallo. All three of these players sucked, but they made us think they were OK (side note: I gave my ESC scarf to fucking Cichero. I feel like an asshole). Metro limped into the playoffs (actually they backed in..face down, ass up). Most fans expected an early round exit to Houston as Metro made it in as the 5th team from the eastern conference (the west was that bad). Metro then rode a wave of heroic goalkeeping to beat both Houston (in the best game of Dane Richards life) and Salt Lake (thanks to the goalposts) to head to Los Angeles for the MLS Cup final. In the process we also made Alexi Lalas shotgun a Red Bull on national TV.Metro lost the final, but we will never forget that magical run, and the amazing play of Danny Cepero. Unfortunately, it also prolonged the reign of Juan Carlos Osorio. Oh yeah, DeGrandpre peaced to go sell some purple drank.Up next: The present, and how to be a Red Bulls fan