GLADSTONE, MB

The ‘Sober Curler’ was long thought to be extinct in Western Canada, but scientists in Manitoba have recently confirmed the existence of one such creature in the small town of Gladstone.

“I’ve searched curling clubs across Canada. I’ve done thousands of breathalyzers…and everyone has failed. I’ve also done all the standard sobriety tests like the walk-and-turn and the one-leg stand, and not a single curler in all my years has ever passed,” said Dr. Alice Martens of the University of Southern Manitoba. “But earlier this winter, I got a lead on the Gladstone Curling Club and I had to check it out.”

Dr. Martens braved the icy roads and ventured out this past week to Gladstone where she found Mr. Darrel Koop, 65, in a state of complete sobriety.

“I couldn’t believe it at first,” said Martens. “But, sure enough, he passed all the tests. He hadn’t touched a drop…and there he was sweeping and yelling ‘hurry, hard’ and all that. It was truly marvelous.”

The discovery of ‘sober Darrel the Curler’ is being hailed as a miracle across Canada. Darrel Koop has already undergone numerous laboratory tests to determine how all this is possible, but so far the tests remain inconclusive.

“We don’t know where he came from, or how he can curl without a Bud Light in his hand,” said Martens, “but we’re just glad we found him. We’re even hoping he’ll mate with another curler and maybe produce some Sober Curler offspring.”

A CBC history vignette about Koop is already in production.

(photo credit: Brad Saunders/CC)