THE HEAVENS—Admitting He would not even know what to talk about with His followers after spending two millennia apart, Christ announced Monday that He has called off plans for His return upon coming to the realization that He has been gone so long at this point that coming back “would just be weird.” “I’ve been putting off my return to the vale of tears for centuries, always telling myself I would corporeally appear sometime next year, but I feel like it would just be awkward if I showed up out of the blue,” said the Son of God, expressing concerns that people would be mad at Him for disappearing for such a long time without bothering to send the faithful a message confirming His love or compassion. “I once thought that when I reappeared it would be just like it was back in Judea, but I just don’t think that’s realistic anymore. There is just so much build-up that doing it right is frankly impossible—I didn’t see a single moral soul for 2,000 years, didn’t answer any of their prayers, didn’t give them any indication that I was even real. Who just drops off the face of the Earth like that and then expects everything to be okay when they come back for what is, at most, the last few decades of the human race?” Christ has since resolved to stop living in the past and instead focus on getting back out and dating again.

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