Ordinary civilians who previously couldn’t give two shits about the military are suddenly getting a hard-on for America’s fighting men and women after viewing the blockbuster film American Sniper.

The movie starring Bradley Cooper as real-life U.S. Navy Seal Chris Kyle is having a nearly miraculous effect on this country’s apathetic turds by making them feel like they have an emotional bond with every single person who currently is — or ever was — in the American armed services.

“You never really know what our military goes through until you sit through a two-hour movie.”

“I’ve never loved America so goddam much! Especially our military and their sacrifices,” Baton Rouge resident Joseph Monroe exclaimed as he exited the Cinemark Theater at Perkins Rowe, where he had just seen the film. “I mean, you never really know what our military goes through until you sit through a two-hour movie.”

Other moviegoers who had just watched the Clint Eastwood-directed film expressed similar sentiments; some even bragged about having distant relatives or estranged friends who are stationed in places as far away as Pensacola, FL.

“I’m so thankful for their sacrifices, and, like, you know, it’s so cool how much they help out and stuff,” said Prairieville resident Kimberly Gautreaux, exuding wisdom well beyond her 19 years.

“The best part was how the movie really made me feel like I was there, in the shit, every step of the way,” offered 23-year-old Baton Rouge resident Ray Goings, who had just spent the previous couple hours shoveling massive quantities of imitation-buttered popcorn down his gullet.

Many viewers, several of whom thought boot camp is merely a popular exercise program, reported being subjected to harsh conditions similar to those endured by rank and file enlisted men and women, such as standing in line.

“I never knew what my enlisted buddies were talking about until I stood in line for like five whole minutes to get my ticket, and then watched people just walk on past me to get a ticket without a line. Like a privileged officer or something,” one movie patron said. “Now I feel like the 10-minute drive to my $250,000 south Baton Rouge home is just like returning from deployment.”

Some who had just viewed the film could hardly wait to exit the theater before whipping out their phones to let everyone on social media know how patriotic the film made them feel.

“Now I feel like the 10-minute drive to my $250,000 south Baton Rouge home is just like returning from deployment.”

“It’s so awesome that my friends on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram will know how much I got the movie’s message and how much I appreciated it and support Brantley Cooperson’s portrayal of Chad Pyle. #ReadTheBook,” Gautreaux expressed.

When asked if they might consider joining the military after watching American Sniper, however, responses were notably less enthusiastic.

“Oh, I totally would have joined, but I was smart enough to get into college,” explained Goings, apparently oblivious to the fact that military officers hold higher education degrees.

Another common response to the question was, “I totally would have signed up, but my dad said I couldn’t.”