Objective 9.1, Book 4b

A day has come and gone and both Buster and I EP’d Objective 8. Objective 9 is composed of 2 parts. First we must exercise control (start, change, stop) with an object and then with the body. For part 1 of this Objective, we are sitting at a table across from each other. We start with a paper clip. Once Buster controls each object to a flat point (yielding any cognition or bites) we move onto a larger object and so on and so forth.

“I am going to ask you to start the paperclip and when I tell you to start, you start the paperclip in that direction,” I command, while motioning with my hand to the right. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge. “Start.”

Buster moves the paperclip to the right on the table.

“Did you start the paperclip?” I ask.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“I am going to ask you to start the paperclip and when I tell you to start, you start the paperclip in that direction,” I command, while motioning with my hand to the left. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge. “Start.”

Buster moves the paperclip to the left on the table.

“Did you start the paperclip?” I ask.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“I am going to ask you to start the paperclip and when I tell you to start, you start the paperclip in that direction,” I command, while motioning with my hand to the right. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge. “Start.”

Buster moves the paperclip to the right on the table.

“Did you start the paperclip?” I ask.

“Yes,” he replies. “I have a cog.”

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that I start a lot of things in life that I never finish,” he cogs.

“Good,” I acknowledge, before repeating the commands.

This is the start part of the process. After we run these commands three times flat, we move onto the change part of the Objective. For this portion I have 4 square cards labeled: A, B, C and D. I lay them flat on the table. I place the paperclip on the card labeled A.

“When I ask you to change the paperclip, I want you to change the paperclip’s position from point A to point B. Do you understand that?” I command.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Change,” I command.

Buster changes the paperclip’s location.

“Did you change the paperclip?” I ask.

“Well I didn’t really change the paperclip, but I changed its location,” he replies and laughs.

“Duh! Dude you know I am reading this straight from the textbook. I obviously am giving you the commands verbatim. Clearly the paperclip didn’t grow a horn and turn into a fucking unicorn before me,” I reply.

“Yes, I changed the paperclip,” he replies.

“When I ask you to change the paperclip, I want you to change the paperclip’s position from point B to point C. Do you understand that?” I command.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Change,” I command.

Buster changes the paperclip’s location.

“Did you change the paperclip?” I ask.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good. When I ask you to change the paperclip, I want you to change the paperclip’s position from point C to point D. Do you understand that?” I command.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Change,” I command.

Buster changes the paperclip’s location.

“Did you change the paperclip?” I ask.

“Yes. I have a cog,” he replies.

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that I skip steps in life. It is easier to go from point A to point D hitting points B and C in between. Skipping steps causes issues,” he cogs.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“When I ask you to change the paperclip, I want you to change the paperclip’s position from point A to point B. Do you understand that?” I command.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Change,” I command.

Buster changes the paperclip’s location.

“Did you change the paperclip?” I ask.

“I have a cog,” he suggests.

“Alright,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that I am in control of what I start, stop and change in my life. I control whether or not I use drugs again. I control my ability to stop them for good, for me and my daughter. I am in control of the direction my life goes,” he cogs.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

We run the paperclip three times flat, the marble three times flat, the brick three times flat until we have reached the beach ball.

“I am going to ask you to start the beach ball and when I tell you to start, you start the beach ball in that direction,” I command, while motioning with my hand to the right. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge. “Start.”

Buster moves the beach ball to the right on the table.

“Did you start the beach ball?” I ask.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“I am going to ask you to start the beach ball and when I tell you to start, you start the beach ball in that direction,” I command, while motioning with my hand to the left. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge. “Start.”

Buster moves the beach ball to the left on the table.

“Did you start the beach ball?” I ask.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“I have a cog,” he originates.

“Alright,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that no matter what size the obstacles are in my life, I have the ability to control how I work through them,” he cogs.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“Alright guys, get your twins into VGI’s and complete the paperwork,” Kentucky instructs.

I am not sure where Makayla is at, but she isn’t here for this session. Buster and I get the paperwork in order and turn it in before heading to lunch. I can’t stand one more minute around Buster.

“Let me get a smoke,” he says.

“Fuck no Buster! I am so sick of your pooh butt, lying, bumming ass and don’t ask me for shit again. How much shit have you said you would get me back for on your Walmart list and how much shit did you really get me back?” I ask, but give him no time to answer. “You never come through. You owe me like 10 packs of smokes, a case of Coke and like 30 boxes of CLE’s. So hell no! Hell to the mother fucking NO!”

When we get back to the center, I don’t feel like lunch. I tune out by plugging my iPod in. I make my way to the basketball courts and lay down on the hot asphalt beneath me. The sun feels warm and inviting. I use my backpack as a pillow, toss my sunglasses on, light a cigarette and jam to some T.I. I am so ready to be off of Objectives. I can’t wait to be done with this entire nightmare of a program. Sauna didn’t cure shit. I still have cravings to use.

Lunch is over quickly and we head back to class. Buster has EP’d the Objective. Makayla is back in the course room and tells us that we need to fill the paperwork out differently than I had. I guess Kentucky, being new, didn’t realize I hadn’t filled it out accurately concerning running each object three times flat in cycles with both the start and change portions of the Objective. However, Buster had the End Phenomenas, so they moved him forward.

“Start of session,” Buster informs.

“I am going to ask you to start the paperclip and when I tell you to start, you start the paperclip in that direction,” He commands, while motioning with his hand to the right. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” I reply.

“Good,” he acknowledges. “Start.”

I move the paperclip to the right on the table.

“Did you start the paperclip?” He asks.

“Yes,” I reply

“Good,” He acknowledges.

“I am going to ask you to start the paperclip and when I tell you to start, you start the paperclip in that direction,” He commands, while motioning with his hand to the left. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” I reply.

“Good,” he acknowledges. “Start.”

I move the paperclip to the left on the table.

“Did you start the paperclip?” He asks.

“Yes,” I reply

“Good,” He acknowledges.

“Do you have any cogs? I EP’d, so let’s think back to what I said and just reword some shit,” he suggests.

I roll my eyes. It takes everything in me not to come unglued! I feel like I might have PMS. I haven’t had a period in at least 8 months. Heroin takes them away for some reason. Even being clean for a couple of months, hasn’t brought them back yet. I feel overly sensitive, aggravated and hormonal.

“Just run me on the fucking Objective!” I scream.

This outburst draws Makayla’s attention. However, she doesn’t verbalize it. Her glare from across the room says enough.

“I am going to ask you to start the paperclip and when I tell you to start, you start the paperclip in that direction,” He commands, while motioning with his hand to the left. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” I reply.

“Good,” he acknowledges. “Start.”

I move the paperclip to the left on the table.

“Did you start the paperclip?” He asks.

“Yes,” I reply

“Good,” He acknowledges.

“I have a cog,” I admit.

Okay,” he acknowledges.

“I realize that I have the ability to start, change, stop,” I cog.

“That’s it? Anything else in there?” He asks.

My blood is boiling. Every, single, step of these Objectives is bogged down with his criticism, his know it all attitude and his suggestions on how I can do better.

“Yes Buster. That is my cognition,” I reply.

“Okay, I am going to mark that we ran this three times flat and then you can cog on the next part,” he says, while placing the cards labeled: A, B, C, and D out on the table.

I don’t even argue with him. There is no point. He isn’t going to change and he gives no fucks about how I feel or what I have expressed concerning these shortcuts prior.

“When I ask you to change the paperclip, I want you to change the paperclip’s position from point A to point B. Do you understand that?” He asks.

“Yes,” I reply.

“Change,” He commands.

I change the paperclip’s location.

“Did you change the paperclip?” He asks.

“Yes,” I reply.

“So I cogged about changing directions and not skipping steps and EP’d. You want me to write that down for you?” He asks.

“No. I don’t. I want you to just run the damn Objective. No offense Buster, but I am much more articulate than you are. I have won writing awards and am quite skilled and capable. If you would just run the damn drill, I will deliver my own, well worded, cogs!” I exclaim.

“Fine, but I need to get home. I have a little girl and this program is fucking stupid, so you better come up with something,” he adds.

“I have a little girl too you fucking idiot! What the fuck do you think I am doing here? I am trying to defeat my demons so that I can be the mother God intended me to be to my little girl. Don’t act like you have some special situation. We all have lives outside of this hell hole,” I reply. “Your life is not more important than mine or anyone else for that matter.”

We continue running the Objective until we are dismissed for the 3 o’clock break. Again, I have no desire to be social with anyone, so I plug my earbuds in. The boys are playing basketball, so I head to the laundry room and rock out to Linkin Park. I need to scream and vent out my frustration. The break is over too quickly. As we load onto the vans, I make my way to the very back.

“What the fuck is wrong with Liz today?” Justice asks Hayden.

They are sitting two seats in front of me and clearly are unaware that I am on the van.

“I don’t know, but she’s acting like a real bitch today,” Hayden responds.

I clear my throat, drawing attention to the fact that I am on the van witnessing two of my so called friends talking shit about me.

“Maybe you should look around before you talk shit about me,” I call out. “I am sitting right behind you bitches.”

Hayden refuses to turn around. Hayden and I are a lot closer than Justice and I are. I am sure that she is embarrassed and might actually feel bad about this situation.

“I had no idea she was on the van,” Justice whispers.

“I can still fucking hear you. I am still right fucking here,” I shout out.

The van falls silent. It is an uncomfortable silence on the drive across the street. When we get back to the course room, I notice I have not EP’d according to the board behind the desk. Buster is quick to point this out and adds that he wishes that I would just let him write down his cogs for me. He suggests if I had let him that I would have EP’d. This only further infuriates me. It feels like everything is just stacking on top of each other today. I think I might burst. I want to hit someone. I want to scream and pull at my hair. I want to fall into a ball in a corner and cry.

Makayla comes over to us and explains that she had instructed us to fill out the paperwork incorrectly. She apologizes profusely and takes full responsibility for the fact that the reason I am running this session again is because of her misguidance on how to fill out the forms. She informs me that I had the EP and will be able to pass it after running it only one more session, provided Buster completes the paperwork accurately. My blood is boiling. My heart is racing. I can feel the heat of anger radiating from my ear lobes onto my neck. This is the beginning of manifesting the mother of all mother fucking blows and anyone in my way better watch the fuck out….

Today’s Theme Song- Linkin Park- One Step Closer

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**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**