What might the NCBE and Tiger King Joe Exotic have in common? After all, the NCBE has proven to be the Carole Baskin of the legal community, professing the altruistic goal of ensuring that only the best lawyers practice while making bank on an archaic exam process. The NCBE and Joe seem to be diametrically opposed in almost every category but one: both are trapped animals lashing out from their cages.

Just yesterday, our pseudo-affiliates at the prestigious Above the Law News Network, reported on a recent NCBE report (see here: https://abovethelaw.com/2020/04/ncbe-trashes-diploma-privilege-sprinkles-in-some-racist-and-sexist-conclusions/). Throwing caution to the wind, the NCBE’s war machine went nuclear over the whole licensure debate. Offering irrefutable evidence from disinterested NCBE exam torturers, the NCBE proclaimed the bar exam as the only way to ensure that competent attorneys can practice.

NCBE President and CEO Judith “Gunner” Gundersen explained that “This really is the only way. We know all the students are just trying to get a free pass with this ‘diploma privilege plus’ nonsense, but it’s my duty to ensure that only those competent in family law practice in real estate. And, sure, people keep saying that we can do that through accreditation, but I also owe a duty to my wealthy friends who own these ‘pay $200,000 for a paper’ schools to ensure that they can make a killing off students before we publicly swipe left on them with the Bar Exam!”

On the condition of anonymity, a Moritz alum and Islanders fan screamed that “it just isn’t fair. Right after my finals, I took one day off for my Hooding Ceremony where my family and friends got to celebrate my completion of law school before I had to spend months studying for the Bar. I barely left my house during that period. I didn’t have fun until I finally got to spend a month traveling and raging in Europe. We shouldn’t let the Class of 2020 skip the Bar Exam just because of a pandemic.”

And what of Hooding? We previously reported that it was canceled but that may not be the case… yet. 3L Bekah Tefft reported the situation is “dire. We were committed to having a physical Hooding ceremony once COVID-19 was under control. Unfortunately, the NCBE literally rented out every event space in Columbus holding over a 100 people for the next two years to ensure that the July 2020 Bar Exam occurs at the earliest possible time. We’re looking at holding it on Minecraft now.” 2L Philip Ewing had this to say in response: “Man, this must be really bad. Here I thought I’d just have more time to play video games while my Zoom camera was off. But what if the school starts holding classes through PS4? I’ll be stuck in lecture again.”

Other News:

– 2L is the new 3L! 2Ls Claire Halffield and Joey Oteng will be next year’s SBA President and Vice President. Their plans for the first 100 days in office? Overhaul the Moritz curriculum to get rid of all classes and lecturers that do not bring you joy. Sorry, Dale!

– The Biden campaign is rumored to be vetting Professor Foley for Attorney General after Foley unleashed a series of tweets on the White House Counsel asking in what version of the Constitution does Mr. Trump have the absolute power to decide when he has to return to work.

Shout out of the Week: 3L Renée Eid! Renée has spent the year tirelessly advocating for the students of Moritz and sacrificed so much to fight on behalf of us. SBA President can be a thankless job, but Renée deserves this shout out and so much more for everything she has done. Thank you!

Journal Applications: Not to be outdone by the less fun journals, Hearsay is currently accepting applications for next year’s staff editors. Responsibilities: write stuff. Perks: endless power only constrained by the questionable limits of the First Amendment. To apply, please message us your funniest joke over Facebook.