Angry at the disparaging comment by Republican candidate Ted Cruz about ‘New York values,’ Donald Trump sent an email to Hillary Clinton offering a pact where each chooses the other as vice president assuming they both become nominees. Hillary Clinton responded in the affirmative. She signed the email “Blame Canada and Love, Hillary.”

The scheme to swap vice presidencies was exposed when it turned out that Hillary Clinton accidentally set up her new private, secret, official and confidential email server at a website called newscastnow.com. So far, the press has failed to report the story, awaiting verification by the website beforeitsnews.com.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

While we were waiting for the mainstream press to catch up on this story, we reached out to the Ted Cruz campaign for a short telephone interview. We also did a few person-on-the-street interviews in New York City to gauge reactions.

TED CRUZ INTERVIEW ON CONSTITUTIONALITY

NCN: Mr. Cruz, what do you think about the pact between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton guaranteeing vice presidencies to each other?

CRUZ: I think it is Unconstitutional. You can be from Kenya, from Panama, or from Canada and be a natural born citizen, but you can’t inhabit the same state and — and hold both positions.

NCN: By both positions, you mean president and vice president. Okay. What about George W. Bush and Dick Cheney? Didn’t they — didn’t they inhabit the same state?

CRUZ: Uh, no. I mean, that’s different. The moment the biased media got a hold of the idea that both inhabited the same state, Dick flew to Wyoming, registered to vote, and flew back to Texas where he was there — but no longer inhabiting it. I personally see Hillary and Trump in New York, so it isn’t allowed in this case.

NCN: So, are you saying that a person is not where that person is?

CRUZ: That sounds like something to ask Bill Clinton, but it doesn’t matter. Dick is perfectly fine moving his voter registration and driver’s license to Wyoming and flying right back to Texas to stay there uninhabitingly because PoltiFact says so. You know as well as I do, Newscast Now, that debunker sites like PolitiFact are always correct. I believe in them as much as I believe in God and Islamic terror.

NCN: Mr. Cruz, but are you familiar with the actual case involving Cheney and Bush?

CRUZ: Yes, I am but nobody else is. The court held there the same thing they held in the Obama case. They decided that they would not decide. In the McCain situation, every Democrat in the Senate agreed that he was eligible, as did the FEC. None of this stuff really matters because courts don’t touch it — at least not yet. Those Dick judges were some of my good Republican friends. If there’s a case with Hillary and Trump, they’ll decide to decide, and what they decide will be that those two can’t run. Then they will appoint me president sort of like W. was appointed. That’s how the Constitution works. I’m a lawyer.



NCN: If the case law is so simple and clear — they decided not to decide — then why did you put out all that mumbo-jumbo on the Canada issue when you were challenged by Mr. Trump?

CRUZ: Because it sounded good and made me appear as if I knew a really complicated truth. If I had said the actual truth, nobody would have believed it. They decided not the decide? That sounds like a lie. I’d rather lie and seem smart then tell the truth and sound like a liar. PolitFact agrees. That’s what matters.

But the most important thing is — I finally got the better of Donald Trump for once. The audience cheered me. That’s what you should be reporting. I won. I made him look bad. Now, I may never do that again, so let’s milk it this time. That’s the problem with media outlets like Newscast Now. You folks never look at the real issues.

NCN: Are you saying it is better to lie and win then to tell the truth?

CRUZ: Click.

NEW YORK OPINIONS IN STREET INTERVIEWS

We asked people on the streets of New York City what they think of Hillary and Trump inhabiting the same state. Here are selected responses.

I don’t give a crap. I’m voting for Jeb.

If you don’t get that mic out of my face, I’m gonna sue you.

They’re all a bunch of shape-shifters. Who gives a f@$&.

Hillary bit my dog. The vet had to give the dog seven stitches. Not voting for her.

Get out of my space right now, bitch.

UPDATE: Newscast Now is hiring a new New York street reporter.

UPDATE 2: After reading the legal analysis of Ted Cruz in this article, Vladimir Putin is preparing an announcement that he is running for President.

Photo credits: featured picture, Ted Cruz, street.

