Once – let’s call it a hundred years ago, give or take – there was a spooky ghost that was spooky, and also it was a ghost. The spooky ghost lived in a spooky house that was at the end of a relatively normal street. The spooky house was tall, and it was narrow, and the curtains were always drawn. The roof had a big hole in it, and there was a bunch of like, ivy or some shit growing all up on it or whatever. It was the kind of house you’d look at and go “Yo, I bet some ill shit is going on in there, man. That shit is spooky as shit!” And you would be right to do so, for indeed there was a spooky ghost living in the house, as mentioned. Well, not living. Hanging out, I suppose. I think I said ‘lived’ before too. Fuck it, you know what I mean; we’ll press on.

All the kids on the street knew to stay away from the spooky house. I guess if this was a hundred years ago they’d have been mainly sweeping chimneys and getting emphysema and stuff anyway. But when they weren’t doing that they were staying away from the spooky house. They told each other stories about it:

“The folks what lives there are vampires I tells you!” said Barry the cockney child, “Cor blimey!”

“Nonsense,” replied Lady Emily the posh heiress child in her BBC accent, “there are no such thing as vampires you beastly little thing. I shall have cook beat you with a ladle.”

“Not the ladle! I bloody ‘ates that ladle I do!” squawked Barry, “Apples and pears!”

These kids would have all been like eight or something at the time. Anyway, the point is the kids didn’t know if anyone lived there or not. If anyone did live there they must have been pretty bloody weird and spooky, cos no one ever saw them out jogging or getting the shopping in or anything.

So one day Barry and Emily were out in the street with Esther, who was also a child and also one of their mates, and they were all chucking a Frisbee about. There weren’t cars or anything back then so they could run about in the street and it was fine, though I suppose there were probably horses and stuff they’d have to look out for. Barry chucked the Frisbee to Emily. Emily chucked it back. Then Barry chucked it to Esther and she chucked it to Emily who chucked it back to Esther again. Then Esther was all like “what the fuck Emily, keep the circle going and stop chucking it back to the person who chucked it at you, aint you ever thrown a fucking Frisbee before?” and Emily started getting all defensive but then they had to stop cos a horse was going by.

They were throwing a Frisbee about, is what I’m saying, you know the routine.

So they were doing all that when Emily goes and chucks the bloody thing too hard and it goes sailing up, up, up, up and also along, all the way down the street and over the fence around the spooky house at the end that I was on about before. The one with the ivy and that.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Emily” said Esther, who had a way with words.

“Must you take that tone with me quite so often?” huffed Emily, glaring at Esther, “it’s hardly ladylike and besides one is a member of the aristocracy”.

“I’ll stop taking a tone when you stop being a bloody liability all your life” replied Esther, coolly lighting a cigarette. “That was my bastard Frisbee and that shit cost me like two and nine.” She blew a plume of smoke out of her nostrils. “Or three and a half or something. I don’t know how money works back in these days.”

“Dog and bone!” said Barry.

“Do you know how hard it is to get plastic right now?” continued Esther, “I’m pretty sure there’s a fucking war on. Are you gonna go get my Frisbee or what?”

Emily went white as a tooth. “You don’t seriously expect me to go in there do you? That place is haunted!”

“I told you!” squealed Barry, “Vampires!”

“Shut up about the fucking vampires Barry,” Esther snapped. She pointed pointedly at Emily. “I am deadly fucking serious. You are getting my bloody Frisbee back from that piece of shit shithole even if I have to kick your arse all the way through the front gate!”

Emily quailed at this, but then seemed to regain her composure. She turned regally to face Barry. “Barry, would you kindly pop into the property up there and retrieve Esther’s treasured Frisbee that she seems to care about more than her ‘friends’.” She shot daggers at Esther as she muttered these last words.

“Not likely guv,” said Barry. “I don’t know if you’ve ‘eard, but there’s a pair of bloody vampires in there so there are. They’ll jelly me eels and no mistake if I go in there, they will. Ruby murray!”

“Barry will you just go in the fucking house and get the fucking Frisbee before I have your whole family sent to the fucking poorhouse you odious little shit!” Emily screamed, her air of refined composure slipping a little under the stress of the situation.

Esther ground her tab end out beneath her boot heel and held up a hand calmly, yet authoritatively.

“We’ll all go” she said.

Chapter 2

The three unlikely pals set off merrily for the end of the road. Well, not merrily. Morosely, I suppose, would be a better way to put it. But they set off, anyway. When they started it was a beautiful sunny day, with the sun shining beautifully down on the world and all the beauty of the world shining like the sun that shone on the shining beauty. But as they approached the spooky house a mass of black clouds rushed from all sides of the sky and blotted out the sun and frowned down on the world like a bunch of frowning cloudy bastards made of evaporated tears and migraines. This always happened when one approached the spooky house and was a much remarked upon meteorological phenomenon.

Barry shivered as they approached the spooky gate to the spooky house. Emily shivered too, but Esther didn’t cos she was hard as fucking nails. Esther just spat on the ground and took another swig from her hip flask and said ‘fuck’ a few more times to psyche herself up. The gate was big and imposing, made out of crooked metal spikes with weird animals embossed on it. Like, llamas and shit, but like, spooky llamas. Peeking through the bars they could see the yard beyond. It was a desolate expanse of dirt and tires and discarded takeaway flyers. In one corner was an old abandoned fridge, all busted up and fucked. Nothing living grew there.

The wind blew one of the flyers through the bars and Barry snatched it from the air. He peered at the words, contorting his face into a grimace of concentration. After some moments, Emily grew tired of this and tore it from his fingers.

“Oh give it here Barry you poor unfortunate, you know you can’t read” she said bluffly as she smoothed the paper out and glanced at it. “This is just a flyer for cold meats. Guttersnipe like you can’t afford meats anyway so don’t torture yourself.” She laughed her tinkling laugh at this, but it dried up and blew away in the desiccated air.

Viper fast, like a snake or some shit, Esther’s hand shot out and grabbed Emily’s wrist. “Look!” she breathed, “And also, stop being such a massive wanker all the time Emily, but mainly look!”

She rotated Emily’s hand. On the reverse of the flyer was a single word, written in a shaking hand in what appeared to be dried blood.

MURDER

Was the word. It was spooky as fuck.

Chapter 3

In which things take a turn for the hearse.

So obviously there was a bunch of hoo-hah and squabbling and shit following that little revelation, but eventually they squashed the beef and went into the yard to look for the eponymous Frisbee. And they’re looking here and they’re looking there but they can’t find the fucking thing, until Esther looks up and sees an open window on the first floor with a light on inside. In all the time they’ve lived on this road none of the kids has ever seen a window open on the spooky house, much less a light on inside.

“Fuck me,” said Esther, who had a way with words. “Look there’s a fucking window open and a light on and shit. I bet the Frisbee went in there. Bollocks.”

“Begging your pardon miss,” said Barry, clutching his cap tightly in his hands and looking at Esther with plaintive eyes, “but perhaps we’d be best off nicking off just now and not winding up them vampires what lives in this ‘ere habode. If you says so that is. Pete Tong.”

“Shut up Barry,” said Emily. “He’s right though, let’s bugger orf, sharpish.”

“Shut up Emily,” said Esther. “We’ve come this far, we’re getting that bloody Frisbee or my name’s not Maureen”

“But your name’s not –“ Barry began to splutter.

“YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME, BARRY”

Chapter 4

“So there was this skeleton right, only it was like, all moving about all woogly-boogly and shit. Shit was fucked up.” – Edgar Allen Poe

Esther marched up to the door, with Barry and Emily following in her wake like a pair of bloody ducks or something, too scared to go back now without Esther to lead them. She raised her hand to knock but before she could even knock the door creaked open with a noise like an aggrieved cat shouting at a fat man to get out of the way.

“Well that’s a bit bloody weird,” said Esther, sauntering nonchalantly through the door. The nonchalance was a bit of a put-on though cos even she was starting to feel a bit scared at this point because, and I can’t stress this enough, everything that was going on was proper fucking spooky at all times.

Barry and Emily whimpered slightly and scurried in behind her, knocking into each other as they did. They rebounded clumsily and swapped contemptuous glares but then, having fallen fractionally behind Esther rushed to catch up and ended up doing it again.

“Hello?” called Esther.

“Shhhhhh” shushed Emily, “They’ll hear you!”

“I want them to hear me knobhead,” Esther retorted, wittily. “We’re in their goshdarned house aint we? It’s only polite to say hello.”

“’Ell… ‘Ello?” Barry quavered.

“That’s the spirit Barry” said Esther reassuringly, as Emily shook her head.

“….Meat pies…..”

The hallway they found themselves in was wide and showed signs of faded grandeur. There were velvet ropes all over the place and tapestries and tarnished silverware and all that kind of shit. Rich guy shit, but all old and shit. A thick layer of dust covered everything. Where the children had walked they could see their footsteps they’d made in the grey expanse. Before them the dust stretched pristine and undisturbed. Which implies that nothing had walked through the house for ages. But then how was there a light on upstairs? Man, this shit is fucking spooky as dicks man. Even I’m feeling spooky now and I’m not even in the story. Let’s read on.

Chapter 4, Still

The kids pushed further on into the spooky house, heading for the spooky end of the hall, which wasn’t that spooky, in the grand scheme of things. Psyche! That shit was spooky as fuck mate, keep up.

“Hello?” called Esther.

“Ello?” called Barry, a little more querulously, “…. butcher’s ‘ook.”

“This really is all rather silly,” began Emily, “why don’t we all go and watch Father shout at the stableboys, that’s always good for a laugh.” When neither of the other two answered she huffed about a bit and waved v-signs at their retreating backs.

“Fine! Fine then. We’ll play your silly game. Hullooooooo!” Her shout was far louder than Esther’s had been. Barry nearly jumped out of his Reebok Classics.

“Hullooooooooooo!” She hullooed again.

“Emily, why are you saying “hulloo” instead of “hello” like a normal person?” asked Esther, who was getting tired of Emily’s shit.

“HULLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Emily ignored the interjection and her shout shook the rafters and wobbled the walls and did other stuff to other stuff, probably. I dunno I weren’t bloody there was I?

“Alright?”

Compared to Emily’s big stupid shout this voice was like, way quieter, but it filled up the room and hung in the air like a big fucking mirrorball or something. I mean that it was noticeable and everybody paid attention to it, not that it reflected light or was spinning or whatever.

“Fuck me” said Esther, who, to be honest, did have a fairly limited vocabulary in a pinch.

The voice had spoken from behind the kids, right where they’d already been and were fairly sure nothing that had a voice could have been. They span in unison to face the speaker, and what did they see but a bloody ghost floating about all spectral not giving a fuck about shit. A ghost! A proper floaty bedsheet ghost all floaty and shit! Who’dve friggin’ thunk it? A bloody ghost, bold as bastards!

Chapter 5 – An Unexpected Visitor

“Fuck me!” said Esther again, and she was right to say it cos it’s not something you see every day, a bloody ghost all up in your face like it aint no ting.

“Alright?” repeated the ghost. “The fuck’s the matter with you lot?”

It peered at them critically.

“Coming all up in my gaff and hallooing and whatnot and then you aint got nothing to fucking say to me when I come down? I was in bed you little pricks!”

“Sorry mate,” said Esther. Behind her Barry was flapping his gob open and closed like a loveable cockney goldfish, and Emily was making little high-pitched gibbering noises. “We were just wondering if we could get our Frisbee back. See we lost control of it and we think it went in your window. Any chance you’ve seen it knocking about?”

“Frisbee? Little plastic circular guy? Good for chucking?”

Esther nodded.

“I have as it happens. Came sailing in through the window about an hour ago. You took your time coming to get it.”

“Yeah well we had a lot of inter-personal conflict to resolve on the way didn’t we.”

“Look I don’t want your bloody life story, shut up and stay here a sec and I’ll have a shufti.”

So the ghost buggered off to find the Frisbee and he totally did have it so he came back and gave it to Esther and she was all “thanks” and the ghost was all “no biggy” and yada yada yada. Anyway turns out the ghost was a lovely bloke and they ended up hanging out for hours ripping the piss out of Emily and playing stick and hoop and whatever else kids did before Xbox.

And the moral of the story is: never judge a book by its cover.

The End

Epilogue

Esther’s mum (who was a divorcee, and pretty much the coolest cat on the block) ended up becoming a big noise in cryptography and worked with Alan Turing at Bletchley Park. But that’s a story for another day.

Barry and Emily got married, unhappily, until Barry put poison in Emily’s tea at which point he was much happier. Sadly he too died shortly afterward trying to recreate that Buster Keaton thing where the house falls on the guy but he’s standing where the window is. Barry wasn’t standing where the window was. Man, Barry was an idiot. And he was a murderer. Fuck that guy.

The ghost kept hanging about, chilling, scaring kids, doing ghost shit.

And Esther? Well…..

…turns out SHE WAS THE GHOST ALL ALONG!!!!!!!

W T F !

SPOILER WARNING!!!

OOPS TOO LATE!!!!

TWIST, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

TWIST!

TWIST!

TWIST!

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I JUST BLEW YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!!!

DUB SIREN

DUB SIREN

DUB SIREN

Happy Halloween everybody.