How and why this senior scientist powers on, despite some niggles

I am 81, a scientist by profession and continue to do my research. I drive to my institute, which is 4 km from home, despite the crazy traffic. I travel out at least twice a month, mostly to Delhi. I chair committees. I try to help the research community in the country in whatever way I can.

I am quite busy with research, lectures, reports and correspondence. I personally type all my letters and I make my own PowerPoint presentations. I wrote and published two volumes of my memoirs on my experience of doing science in India. People tell me I look the same in all these years and that I am a role model.

There are some minor problems! My right ear is hard of hearing and I hang on a hearing device when I attend meetings. My vision is not perfect and the ophthalmologist told that me there is no change in power and new glasses will not help. A small membrane is right at the centre of the eye (I had cataract surgery earlier) and if I cannot manage, laser therapy can be tried. I have a small denture to replace the right side grinding teeth. I had irritation in the left part of the stomach for years and in the last year this is accompanied by irritation of the left foot sole. I went through all the diagnostic protocols. My daughter is a clinician and through her contacts I could get things done much faster, since I found every diagnostic centre is virtually overflowing with patients. I have infection with H pylori, which is a nasty bug to have. I went through two rounds of antibiotics. There is improvement, but not quite.

The interesting thing is that none of these ‘niggles’ seem to attract the attention of others and my routine continues and I want to maintain the image that I am perfectly fit! I do not use the transport van inside the Delhi airport, despite a fairly long walking distance to the departure gate.

I have been practising meditation for decades, but still cannot focus. I am deeply engaged in understanding the ‘self’. The Advaita philosophy has deeply influenced me. A war is going on inside me, a full-scale tsunami, to be honest. I listen to wholesome talks on these subjects in person and through YouTube.

I don’t know how to proceed, although the enquiry gives me peace of mind. I can offer sincere prayers for the welfare of society at large. But I would need extraordinary grace to really experience the same ‘self’, not only in me but in the world around, both animate and inanimate. I like solitude, but at the same time I do not want to be branded as a recluse or being senile!

Nobody seems to recognise my internal turmoil. I am sought-after because I do not have an agenda of my own. I can accept both compliments and insults. I take all my assignments, big and small, seriously. I have a broad knowledge base in my area of science.

But I know I need to quit all my assignments if I have to progress in my spiritual journey. Whenever I raise the topic of quitting, people tell me, “you are irreplaceable” — which as all of us know is not true.

I continue because I do not know what I can do if I just sit at home. I am not of much use with the family chores. I keep debating whether it is better to quit all my assignments or keep externally active till the end.

I understand people age that much faster sitting at home after retirement. I shudder at the thought of becoming a vegetable and be a burden to the kith and kin. I do not know whether others of my age have similar challenges. One thing is certain. The role model image is fake and the model has to roll over!

Professor Padmanaban is a former Director of the Indian Institute of Science, Bengaluru and Chancellor of the Central University of Tamil Nadu, Thiruvarur. He is NASI-Platinum Jubilee Senior Scientist with the Department of Biochemistry, IISc, and Senior Science Innovation Adviser to the Biotechnology Industry Research Assistance Council, Department of Biotechnology, Government of India. geepee@alumni.iisc.ac.in