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Holy crap! What kind of useless turd defecates in people’s gardens and kids’ playgrounds?

That’s what the residents in a Queen St. W.-Peter St. neighbourhood would like to know.

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The phantom crapper of Soho Square and environs has struck at least six times in the last few weeks, leaving excrement behind people’s houses, in the bushes at a school and in other inappropriate places, despite public toilets being available nearby.

Alert citizens snapped a photo of the pathetic pooper with a Tim Horton’s cup of coffee in one hand — and what Timmy’s doesn’t have a bathroom?

Security cameras on people’s houses have also captured a few images of the fecal felon.

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According to Jeff, a resident of the area, all the neighbours are aware of the problem and the police are involved.

Toronto Police spokesman Meaghan Gray confirmed that an officer has been assigned to investigate.

Once posters went up around the neighbourhood with pictures of a suspect, other people from nearby streets came forward to say that they’d seen the man in the act, and that the problem had been ongoing for at least a few years.