Continue Reading Below Advertisement

You may have thought Apple Pay's ability to let you pay for your cappuccinos without cash was a simple convenience, but nope -- the fact that you have to scan your fingerprint to use it was predicted by the Bible verse about the mark of the beast -- a demonic sign that goes on your right hand (the same place where you'd wear a watch) or your forehead (the same place where you'd wear a watch if you got confused). According to the Book of Revelation, anyone who doesn't have this mark won't be able to buy or sell ... or continue being alive, but people seem more freaked out about the "no service" part. Also, the Apple Watch will apparently send your body data to the Illuminati, because there's nothing more fascinating to the secret rulers of the world than how often you go to the bathroom.

Godlike Productions

"He's peeing sitting down! Storm the building!"

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Happily, we can confirm that the souls of iOS account holders everywhere are safe; this conspiracy has a habit of surfacing once every several years, with the arrival of the Antichrist so far being heralded by barcodes, microchips, WiFi, and -- of course -- Obamacare. At this rate, they'll probably have to resort to suggesting that, we don't know, Danny DeVito is the Antichrist, just to have new material to work with.