Christchurch. It and its citizens are now in the fifth month of aftershocks that jolt us from sleep (like at 2 this morning) or create a whole new kind of awkward workplace dilemma which I like to call "Sook or Professional?" wherein a business meeting is interrupted by seismic activity and everyone gets to see who gets rattled the most. I still think my suggestion to continue the meeting under the boardroom table had merit but sadly no one would second my motion. Sigh.

Anyway, as you can imagine, worried citizens have a tendency, as I mentioned yesterday, to take to the internet in search of answers but sometimes the answers or expressions of support they get, though well-meaning, are lacking in detail or need elaboration. Take this concerned comment from tweeter @thomaslucien yesterday "RIP Christchurch you were a dumb flat sh**hole filled with racists and now you've been repeatedly killed by earthquakes #eqnz". I was so touched by this message of support from Thomas that it's really got my creative juices going and so I've created the visual 'homage' that you see below.





As you'll see, Tom, I've captured the respectful tone of your comment by using Comic Sans as the font (it's a little know fact that this is the default font used by all the best funeral directors on orders of service because of its elegiac, sombre look). I've also tried to represent this with the black mourning border. This is out of respect for all the dead chimneys, which I'm sure is what your RIP refers to since pretty much no one has actually been killed. But all those bricks from once healthy chimneys just lying in piles...it breaks my heart, it really does, and it's nice to know that someone else cares too. Can't we let these chimneys rest in peace (or at least let them live again as BBQs)?

I admit, I kind of fudged the "flat sh**hole part" and have used a toilet to represent this. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of a flat hole? No, neither did I until I tried. REALLY frustrating. But anyway, hope you don't mind me using a bit of artistic licence. I know a poet like yourself won't mind.

I'm pretty happy, though, with my use of Hitler as a "visual metaphor" for "racists". Whoa. I just thought of something amazing. Do we know if Hitler might have been from Christchurch originally? I think that's totally possible. I tell you what, I'm going to do some research (Googling) on that and put together an article on what I dig up. Expect to see this in a future issue of Investigate magazine.

For a while I wasn't sure who to have represent the collective dumbness of Christchurch's citizens but then I had a brilliant thought (rare for me, because I'm from Christchurch) - Katie Price. She's pretty thick. True, she's not actually from here (or is she? That's another Investigate feature in the making, you mark my words) but I think she captures and is a suitable symbol of the stupidity that you were talking about. I'd vote for her if she ran for mayor.

And of course, if you or your chimney is going to be repeatedly killed (I thought you could only be killed once? Or wait, that's me being a Christchurch-thickie again, isn't it? Durrrr), who better to do it than Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, two Arnold Schwarzeneggers, obviously. So thanks, Thomas. I think with your words and my "art" between us we've made the people of Christchurch feel HEAPS better. RIP chimneys.

But in all seriousness, it may seem to the rest of the country that we're all a bunch of whingers and that we should "get over it" or "toughen up" but this continued wobbling thing really is upsetting. Look, I reserve the right to get complainy about ANYTHING that interrupts my sleep. But the important thing is to have a sense of humour about it. When life gives you lemons or deliberately provocative and potentially hurtful tweets...take the motherloving piss out of them. This is the way forward.*

*This is me honing my political rhetoric. I will be running for mayor in the next local body elections as long as I can get Katie Price as my deputy. Or maybe Lisa Lewis if she's not to busy with her new boyfriend.

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