I thought that maybe the corny ass 90′s intro thing we saw last week was a one time thing. Not only is it here to stay, it gets updated with new cast mates that show up. JJ looks like he’s on the cast of a TGIF show like Step by Step:

And Mikey T has to be my favorite so far;

Line starts here ladies.

The question is why. This seems like the kind of behavior of a franchise that is looking to expand upon it’s brand. You expect this with someone like MTV who plasters people’s faces all over the place for the real world because those same people stick around for years doing The challenge (we all know the real world is just a feeder into the far superior show). We know the Johnny Bananas and the Paula’s and the Wes’s because MTV markets them. That is their bread and butter. Survivor doesn’t do cast intro’s anymore. Most of them are one and done so why bother. Is ABC really trying to make these people household names? Speaking of Survivor, I want to watch Joe on a show like that. His manipulation this episode was phenomenal. Guy is the biggest dick ever and still has grown men crying and apologizing to him. I’m going to borrow one of JJ’s metaphors and say that Joe is playing chess while everyone else is playing tic-tac-toe. I want to see this guy go up against other people that are trying to manipulate him as well. Maybe next summer we will get Surivor: Bachelor Rejects. I mean, the opening montage is already set.

By the way, here is a clip of 90′s shows introductions to make you feel as old as shit Clare:

The first hour and a half of Sunday’s episode was boring as fuck. No one likes watching 2 people have casual conversation or Ashley’s sister complain and cry. Luckily we don’t have to put up with the latter for much longer because the sister is leaving. After new arrival Josh casts her aside for Tenley, Lauren has had enough. This happens right after she brags about being a mistress to a guy that isn’t married. I think that’s called being a side piece. Anyway, Ashley’s sidekick leaves, no one cares. JJ then makes a bunch of forced analogies that no one asked for. He needs to chill it on those. One time JJ was asked what an analogy was and he said it was like a thought with another thought’s hat on.

So Josh picked out Tenley for his date and there is yet another guy that starts the long walk down to the beach to join the cast:

Joe steps into the ring and seems to be a bit out of it. He has apparently been hyped up quite a bit by his castmates and does everything in his power to show why he shouldn’t have been. He sits around and stares awkwardly, gives one word answers, mumbles his way through his date card. At one point everyone thinks he asked Julia on date. Then he starts asking her if they are going on a date. Was really weird. This was all after he called our Clare for being old and on the show again. Clare runs away and cries while the producers do that trick where they cut in an animal to make it look like she talking to one. I’m not sure why they decided to go in the direction that makes Clare look like Dr. Doolittle, but it’s played out at this point. Meanwhile, Josh heads off with way out of his league Tenley. She can’t stop talking about how she likes guys with big wieners hands. They dance and make out. JJ isn’t worried though because *insert stupid JJ analogy here*. Tenley is glowing from her date and Ashley S comments how she has never seen her so happy. In the whole couple of weeks you’ve known her you’ve never seen her so happy?

Everyone is lounging around at the pool and Josh starts talking about some wild partying he’s done back in the day. It sounds like he had a Hangover like experience when he was in Vegas and ended up doing Molly:

I meant Moly (the drug). Ashley I’s virgin ears hear this and you would have thought that Josh said he killed Chris Harrison. She ends up treating him like you would a one man wolf pack that wears a fannie pack and drugs his friends. Joe is off on his date with Julia and he does and says all the right things in order to get her rose. Joe is there for Samantha (who looks like she arrives next week). Joe needs that rose to get there. Joe is a scumbag and is perfect for this kind of setting.

Jared and Clare are busy sitting around the camp fire and we have a date card arrive. Jared looks over and asks Clare to go with him and this sets off a chain of events that even Rube Goldberg himself would have been proud of. Ashley runs off and cries her eyes out and Mikey T is ready to fight. Back home I can imagine Mikey getting into a fight and his boys are their to back him up and he tells them all to take off their shirts before the fight begins:

Joe is off having a heart to fart with one of the producers about Julia. Producer asks him about what he’s doing with her and responds by ripping one in front of her. Joe clearly ran out of fucks to give a long time ago.

Jared sets sail and is off on a date with his mom Clare. Clare strips down and shows that she still gots it. They go bungie jumping and she tells Jared how she hasn’t been fucked since Juan Pablo took it to her on his season.

Michael G shows up and he is there for Tenley and only Tenley. They have dinner at some water gazebo type thing. Mexicans played music for them. They danced.

After the date the game of musical chairs begins. Mikey awkwardly tries to kiss Julia because he has no shot with anyone else. Joe ends up forcing Mikey to apologize and shoves his face in his shit like you do to a dog that just dumped in your house. Joe wasn’t done there however. He sets his sights on Jonathan and makes him apologize to Julia and isn’t happy until the guy runs off to the bathroom in tears. See, Jonathan tried to warn Julia about guys like Joe. Joe is diabolical. I would probably watch a show of Joe being mean to people and breaking their will.

Jared had fun with Clare on the date, but doesn’t see anything long term as he tells her she is 8 years older. She was 8 years older before you took her on the date, Jared. You know how older people go to the doctors office to get some test results and get disappointed when the doc says your blood pressure if good for your age? Jared just told Clare that she is hot…..for her age.

Before the rose ceremony Clare makes some sort of passionate speech about how this year’s cast sucks and isn’t there to find love. Jade doesn’t take too kindly to this and has a rebuttal for her. Tensions are high. Roses are being passed out. The obvious one’s go first. We get to Tenley and I think she’s going for newcomer Michael G. We get a fakeout and she sticks with Josh. I felt like this wasn’t highlighted enough. What is it about Josh? It’s Clare’s turn to rose and she pauses and runs off. One of the duties of Chris Harrison is to express concern. We end with a to be continued.

Sunday episode sucked, Monday more than made up for it. Next week looks to be great as well. Sam looked smokin hot in those previews by the way.

See ya next week

- Nick