Alright so

you already know two ways the world might have been created

the mayan way and the greek way

and probably i guess you could make the argument

that you know the roman way too

because the romans are fucking copycatters

and maybe you have listened to some scientists

or some creation scientists

and you know one or two other ways

listen

I want you to forget everything you know about creation myths

because this myth

is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE WONDERMENT

and if you do not have a dick

it is going to SEW ONE ON

and then BLOW IT RIGHT THE FUCK OFF

you wanna know why?

because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME

SHIT

YEAH

so to start out the world is already pretty badass

it is just two things:

one is a sea of pure all-devouring fire

called Muspell

guarded by a dude named Surt who is just waiting

WAITING

to ride out and murder all the gods

and then set the world on fire

by comparison the other half of the world is pretty lame

it is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim

no dudes in it or anything

just a bunch of glacial bullshit

and in between muspell and niflheim

there is a bigass trench

called Ginnungagap

which is just the most fun fucking thing to say

go ahead and say that five times fast

i gotta hand it to these norse dudes

they know how to name shit

without making every other letter an X

or a ptl

wait thats not even a letter

that is like the sound a baby makes when it throws up

fucking mayans

anyway in this worthless empty hole

called ginnungagap

is where shit starts to get real

because the cold from niflheim

bumps up against the heat from Muspell

and causes a bunch of vapor to condense

in ginnungagap

to create a frost giant

in ginnungagap

dude’s name is Ymir

and actually he is more of an ogre than a giant

and he is actually more of a fucking pansy than an ogre

because what is the first thing this guy does

but go to sleep

right there

in ginnungagap

sweating like a motherfucker

he sweats so hard

that a man and a woman grow out of his armpit

and then he sweats EVEN HARDER

causing his legs to fuck each other

and have a baby

so then this cow shows up

Audhumla

and starts shooting milk everywhere

literally four rivers worth of milk

and Ymir drinks all of it

cause there’s pretty much no one else to drink it

other than his legbaby

so then the cow gets bored

and starts licking ice

because apparently this ice is salty

and all of this licking

melts away enough ice

to form the shape of a dude

or maybe it is just the dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit

ymir has mastered the art of being a neglectful father

anyway this guy’s name is Bor

he marries Bestla, the daughter of some giant

maybe the daughter of Ymir

who knows

Bor is quite a catch because he is super handsome and tall

but like

it doesn’t really matter

since i’m pretty sure Bor and Bestla

are like the only people who exist at this point

so they have three kids

Odin

Vili

and Vé

really the only one anyone gives a shit about is Odin

he is the ruler of all things essentially

and he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir

who is probably still asleep

and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered

although some versions say ymir became too evil

and had to be destroyed

but they are not really clear what that means

maybe he was just snoring REALLY LOUD

and pissing Odin off

anyway they kill him

and the resulting torrent of blood drowns all the frost giants

except for one

who escapes with his wife in a hollowed out tree

nice genocide Odin

what are you going to do next

further desecrate your grandfather’s body by tearing him apart

and using his limbs as decoration

for a universe you and your brothers are building?

yes

this is exactly what they do

i mean you gotta give them credit

they use pretty much every part of this dude

like not only do they make his blood into lakes and oceans

and his bones into mountains

and skin into earth

and his teeth into tiny rocks

but they use his skull to make the sky

here is a word to the wise guys

skulls are not meant to be used as the sky

this is such a shitty idea that they have to get some like

cheap slave labor to make it work

so they go over to Ymir’s corpse

which is pretty fucking gross at this point

crawling with maggots

and they are like hey maggots

wanna be a sentient humanoid species?

and the maggots are like sure

so they turn into dwarves

and odin is like great awesome

how about you repay us by holding up this skull we found

we wanted to make it into the sky

but see skulls are not really for that

so we need one of you to hold up each corner

we will even name you guys north south east and west

it will be awesome

and the dwarves are like fuck fine

but listen

guys

just because they have already used ymir’s skull

and skin and bones and teeth and blood

does not mean they are finished defiling his corpse

because the next thing they do

is they chuck his brains into the air

and they become CLOUDS

yes

did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor

WRONG ASSHOLE

BRAINS

BRAAAAAAAAINS

ok but then they settle down a little bit

and just make the stars out of all the sparks coming out of Muspell

and give all the land along the coast to the giants

i guess to say sorry for fucking ymir to death

and drowning most of the giants in the process

but the giants are still pissed

and Bor realizes oh shit

gotta protect myself from these giants

oh oh

i know

i’ll build myself a fort

but what will i build it out of

oh i know

EYEBROWS

YMIR’S

FUCKING

EYEBROWS

the fort he builds becomes a safe haven

for all the humans

called Midgard

oh also they drag ymir’s corpse over the gap

you know the one i’m talking about

ginnungagap

and Odin makes a place called asgard

using surpsingly few of Ymir’s body parts

and he lives there with his wife

her name is Frigg

and is apparently super-faithful to her

and fathers all the other gods

the first one he fathers is named thor

and i can already tell i am going to be talking alot about this dude

he is the son of odin and also the earth

the earth being both odin’s daughter

and his wife

oh also there is a tree at the center of the universe

called Yggdrassil

it has its roots in all the worlds

Muspell and niflheim

nflhel (which is just a fancy way of saying hell)

midgard (the eyebrow place)

jotunheim (where all the giants live)

also asgard

and this place called vanirheim

which is basically like one of the alternate universes

from like justice league unlimited

with like an evil spiderman and a cherry flavored batman or some shit

only instead of being the opposite of the asgard gods

(called the Aesir)

the Vanir in vanirheim are actually just way less depressing

than the aesir

and because of that

the two groups are CONSTANTLY at war

but eventually they make peace

and some of them actually join the aesir

which again

is just like justice league unlimited

and basically that is how the world gets made

proving once again

that your grandchildren are going to grow up and murder you

and also clouds are made of brains

The end