[MARCH 1997]

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island theory

is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents

each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon

initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you

get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.





Run with me on this one…





Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to

a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two

coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised

and given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".)





For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than

Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could

never achieve Ginger’s glamour. (As an interesting and completely

irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students

a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted

the most likely couple to have ‘done it’ on the island.)





And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST

incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING,

but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was

doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn’t boredom,

my friends.





What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on

a three-hour cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.





We are now left with three characters and three Deadly

Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we

must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is

a Gilligan problem here.





Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from

this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit

during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.





This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the

Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the

tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode.

After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do

double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.





So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in

an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair,

forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run

ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there?





Gilligan.





Gilligan has to be the devil then …. think about

it.





…





THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK





In the beginning there was data. The data was without

form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console;

and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market.

And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were

registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the

data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the

instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there

was morning, one interrupt…





…





A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a

sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the

waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you

didn’t pay for your sandwich!"





The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey

man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!"





The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following

definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian

origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats

shoots and leaves".





…..





Their hymns:





Astronaut – "Nearer My God, to Thee" Baker

– "I Need Thee Every Hour" Baseball batter – "Seek

Thee First" Builder – "How Firm a Foundation" Canoeist

– "Flow River, Flow" Dentist – "Crown Him with

Many Crowns" Electrician – "O Joyful Light" Fisherman

– "Shall We Gather at the River?" Gossip – "It

Is No Secret" IRS – "All to Thee" (I Owe) Jogger

– "The Path of Life" Lifeguard – "Come to the Water"

Sailboater – "Deep River" Stonecutter – "Rock of

Ages" Watchman – "Silent Night" Weatherman – "There

Shall Be Showers of Blessings"





…..





GOOD HUMOR – BAD ADS





2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect

markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.





Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like

one of the family.





A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly

served by waitresses in appetizing forms.





Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;

Children $2.00.





For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with

thick legs and large drawers.





Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique

lover.





Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and

get an extra pair to take home, too.





Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators

in factory.





Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce

at night.





We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do

it carefully by hand.





For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.





For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd

and an Alaskan Hussy.





Great Dames for sale.





Have several very old dresses from grandmother in

beautiful condition.





Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.





Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.





Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.





Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the

Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.





Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.





Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.

Automatically burns toast.





Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so

serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.





Stock up and save. Limit: one.





For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.





Man, honest. Will take anything.





Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.

References required.





Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing

to travel.





UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here

first!





Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find

person.





Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.





Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke

or drink.





3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience

preferred.





Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced

yard, meals, and smacks included.





Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.





Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.





Illiterate? Write today for free help.





Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head

illusion. Blue Cross and salary.





Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires

person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable

of contributing to growth of family.





And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched

in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.





We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension

in your home for $1.00.





…..





Some more chicken/ road speculations crossed my mind

while I was supposed to be PhD-writing (Haig, don’t read this).

A few more comments from an eclectic array of the world’s great

minds. For those who missed my earlier attempts first time around,

I’ve appended those as well … TOM WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS

THE ROAD? TONY ABBOTT: Tragically, the chicken was driven to cross

the road by the hubris of Prime Minister Paul Keating. JOHN CALVIN:

What! – that thou, impudent mortal, shouldst spurn and account

so little the sovereign will of God, as to ascribe unto the act

of His creature, the common fowl of the yard, any other cause

or antecedent motive soever, but that which was by the mighty

outworking of His foreknowledge, will and decree eternally preordained?

KARL POPPER: We can never prove with absolute certainty any truth-claim

about the chicken’s motive. However, we CAN scientifically refute

several alternative explanations. (Plato’s and Hegel’s explanations

are tragically wrong). LAURIE KAVANAGH: Cripes! Poor bloody chook.

Can’t even cross a road these days without the noisy minorities

getting stuck into it! Well, I reckon all fair dinkum Aussies

would sympathise so much with that poor bird, it just goes to

show that anyone who whinges about the Howard Budget ought to

be locked away as a bloody socialist trouble-maker. PS: It is

not widely known that COURIER-MAIL scientists have recently succeeded

in cloning an alternative version of our favourite columnist.

Code-named "Laurie Decaffeinagh", this genetically-

modified version writes mellow, laid-back columns along the following

lines: "Sure, so the world’s changed since I was a kid in

the fifties, but that’s life and it’s up to me to get used to

it. And there’s so many things that I meself like to complain

about, how could I really blame the blacks, the greens, the gays

and the feminists for complaining about things that annoy them?

I mean, fair go! Strewth! We’ve all got to learn to live alongside

each other…" LIAM AND NOEL GALLAGHER: Ee, lad, noo doobt

to re-enact yon scene off the ABBEY ROAD album coover. JEREMY

BENTHAM: For the chicken to cross the road, to traverse and navigate

the span of the public thoroughfare, may upon the basis of utility

properly be said to have of the Intitulative causes, two; and

of the De-Ratiocinated causes, three. Of the former causes, the

Intitulative, may three further sub-types or genera be discerned,

namely… RONALD DWORKIN: Any decision by a chicken to exercise

its traversative rights and make its own road-crossing choices

must be upheld by any rights-based thesis of law as integrity.

For the state or any public actor to inquire into the chicken’s

motivations would be profoundly violative of its constitutive

normative entitlement to equal concern and respect. JOHN HARTELY:

We figure something’s sure going on here, if chickens go crossing

roads, and it doesn’t take a genius to smell a rat with that –

to guess that something must be pretty damn wrong with this side

of the road when even the chickens start leaving it. Do chickens

therefore constitute some kind of discrete and insular minority

on this side of the highway, so much that they prefer to exercise

an "exit" rather than a "voice" option? While

no one can say for sure, it seems highly likely so… JOHN RAWLS:

Why did the chicken move away from its original position to a

more Pareto-optional locale? That is a question which classical

Utilitarianism cannot answer. Instead, it is a question that can

only be answered by a representative assembly of chickens called

upon to draw up constitutive principles of road-crossing behind

a veil of ignorance… P P MCGUINNESS: It is of course plainly

obvious to any intelligent individual that the chicken has been

brainwashed by trendy Victorian school-teachers. JOHN FINNIS:

Chicken, by virtue of its nature as a rational creature, is possessed

of certain intrinsic desires and faculties, which conjointly render

it capable of ordering both the intention and the proximate result

of its actions toward the crossing of roads. F A HAYEK: The chicken

opted to pursue the rationalist mirage, which enticed it to cross

the road to serfdom. MEATLOAF: Refer to lines 675 to 831 of "WHY

THE CHICKEN CROSSED THAT GODDAMN ROAD (AND WHY I RAN IT OVER WITH

MY HARLEY AS I WENT BURNING DOWN THE HIGHWAY LIKE AN ANGEL ON

FIRE, BECAUSE MY GIRL SHE LEFT ME, OH YEAH)" (copyright 1978

by Jim Steinman). AMANDA VANSTONE: I don’t know, because I’m not

a very smart person. But even though we’ve increased the interest

rates on the Road Crossing Cooperative Contribution Scheme, introduced

differential rates of contribution fees, and cut back on road

building funds, I still don’t see how that would discourage chickens

from continuing to cross roads.





…..





One of my favorites hymns says "I sing a song

of the saints of God: faithful, and loyal and true". It doe

snot say successful. We are saints by baptism and God’s grace.



I couldn’t resist. St Egregious has been on the back

burner for a while. Time to enter the fray:





Doe snot. (Noun) A term used by deer hunters and

their wives. (spouses? Who are we kidding, This is rural Alberta).

It is an expletive said upon a shot hitting a perfectly good dog

or a neighbour’s pickup truck. (e.g. Doe snot! I winged Bill’s

new Dodge. Knocked the dice clean off the rear view mirror.) The

image is that of aiming at something and doing unintended collateral

damage, to borrow a military euphemism. It is sometimes used by

clergy to indicate sermons in which the wrong people get mad,

or in which they unintentionally refer to a close relative of

a big donor in an unflaterring manner. (Bob Dole is your cousin?

Doe snot! I meant to say he’s too BOLD!)





It’s good to be back.





Keith Denman





…..





Clinton, Deng Xiou Pung (?) and Bill Gates are snatched

up to heaven where God says "I’ve chosen you as the three

most powerful leaders in the world, tell your people to make themselves

ready, because in three days I am going to bring about the end

of the world!" Back on earth the leaders arrange to address

their people. Bill Clinton says: "I’ve got good news and

bad news. The good news is that God _does_ exist. The bad news

is that you have only three days to prepare for the end of the

world." Deng Xiou Pung (?) says: "I’ve got bad news

and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, God _does_

exist. The worse news is that we have only three days to make

restitution before the end of the world." Bill Gates says:

"I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that we

now know for sure that I’m not God. The good news is that we don’t

have to worry about Netscape any more."





….





FOOTBALL CHRISTIANITY





Quarterback Sneak: Quietly leaving immediately following

the sermon.





Draft Choice: Selection of a seat near the door.





Draw Play: What many children (and a few adults)

do with their bulletins.





Benchwarmer: One whose only participation is a physical

presence at church on Sunday.





Fumble: Dropping a hymnal, singing the wrong verse,

and general inattention.





Backfield in Motion: Making two or three trips out

of the church during the sermon.





Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money

that should go to the missions.





Sudden Death: What happens to the minister who preaches

too long.





Blitz: The stampede for the door after the service.





The Anglican Digest





…..





ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM REAL CHURCH BULLETINS





Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social.

Ladies giving milk please come early.





The Ladies’ Liturgical Society will meet on Wednesday.

Mrs. Johnson will sing Put Me in My Little Bed accompanied by

Pastor Bradley.





The memorial service will begin with a choral rendition

of Amazing Grave





The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of

every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.





The preacher for each of the next four Sundays will

be found hanging on the notice board in the narthex.





The Young People’s Fellowship will be entertained

at tonight’s meeting by the Rhyme-Tymers, a local rape group.





The new loudspeaker system is the gift of Dr. Charles

Smith in memory of his wife.





The rosebud on the altar this morning is in honor

of the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belser.





Last evening’s parish pot-luck supper was like Heaven!

Many we expected to see there were absent.



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