Unsolicited Dick Pics Through the Ages: A Selected History

Aimee Ouellette’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Cave of Altamira, Spain. 40,00 B.C.E

An adult male Neanderthal sneaks quietly into a cave system near to his own. He shuffles past several sleeping female Neanderthals. In his right hand, he carries a small pipe loaded with ochre pigment. He walks far into the cave, finds the perfect wall, and then uses his left hand to hold his dick against the wall. When he has found a pleasing arrangement, he takes his pipe to his lips and blows ochre pigment all over his dick and balls, leaving a negative-space portrait of his dick on the cave wall. He sneaks back out.

Clovis, New Mexico. 11,000 B.C.E.

A young Paleoamerican man sits atop the corpse of a freshly-killed baby mammoth. He holds a piece of tusk and a fluted spear point that is still covered in mammoth blood. He uses the spear point to scrape away at the tusk until it vaguely resembles a dick. When he is finished his carving, he walks up to a young Paleoamerican woman and just sort of pokes her with it, without even saying anything first.

Nara, Japan. 1130 A.D.

A middle-aged man sits at his painting table. He is surrounded by various inks, papers, silks, and cords. A small pyramid of completed silk-and-paper narrative handscrolls sit in a basket to his right, and a nearly-complete handscroll sits open before him. He dips a brush in a pale blue ink, and then thoughtfully and purposefully places the very last vein on the glans of a large, artfully inked penis. The next day, he gives the completed handscroll to his daughter’s best friend. She thought it was going to be illustrations of scenes from The Tale of Genji, and doesn’t even realize what she’s looking at until she’s scrolled past the balls and is halfway through the shaft.

Haarlem, Netherlands. 1682 A.D.

A young aristocratic woman is sitting for a portrait historié by an up-and-coming painter. She wishes to be portrayed as Venus, and her child as Cupid. The painter shows her his progress; and points out that he has added a portrait of the head of his penis into the painting, in the background, dressed as Paris. He then smiles at her in an unwelcome and exaggerated fashion. The aristocratic woman says that unless he removes his penis from the background of her painting, she will not pay for the commission. The painter is very angry and says that he will not compromise his artistic vision. She leaves without paying.

New York, USA. 1960 A.D.

An executive in an advertising agency is drunk. It is 2 p.m. He calls his secretary into his office and asks her to go make some copies with that new machine. She asks him what kind of copies, and of what? He says goddammit, Carol, what use are you? He stumbles over to the brand-new Xerox 914, unzips his pants, and proceeds to Xerox his dick. The machine makes one copy. He picks it up out of the tray, and passes it to Carol with his right hand while tucking himself back in with his left.

Vancouver, Canada. 1984 A.D.

A fifteen-year-old boy sits at his homework desk in his attic room. He has six developed squares of polaroid instant film sitting in front of him. They are all of his dick, and they are all blurry. He has an undeveloped square in his hand, and is shaking it energetically. The next day he slips all the polaroids into the textbooks of girls he’s heard are sexually active.

Washington, D.C. 2014 A.D.

A young man is texting with a girl who swiped right on Tinder. What’s up? He asks. I’m cooking dinner, she says. You? He then sends her a Snapchat of his dick with the words “Want desert? haha ;)” superimposed over the pic.

Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. 2200 A.D.

A ten-year-old girl is attempting to download open source blueprints for a 3D-printed model of her favourite pop star. Every single plan she’s downloaded has turned out to be some guy’s dick. The worst part is that they’re not even all the same dick.

Starship Octavia, The Omega Quadrant. 5100 A.D.

A young Universal Spacefleet recruit from the planet Xornon has been sanctioned for insubordinate behaviour by his human female superior officer. In retaliation, he sneaks into the transport room and beams his dick onto the desk in her office. His superior officer has never seen a Xornon’s genitals before and simply assumes that her potted cactus has flowered. When the Xornish recruit beams his dick back on, it is sprinkled with plant food.

The Multiverse. 40,000 A.D.

A male-being comprising pure energy and light manifests his dick-consciousness into the space between every atom. “Ugh,” replies The Void. “Gross.”