Chapter 14: No More Weasley's now, I mean it!

DEMENTORS FLEE ATTACK BY GIRL-WHO-FOUGHT-MONSTERS

By Saffron Scrivener

Normally, dementors can consider themselves to be at the top of the supernatural food chain. Giants wilt before them. Dragons flee in terror. Even the mightiest of wizards cower in fear. But not Hermione Weasley, the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters. As my readers are well aware, the dementors of Azkaban have been summoned to protect Hogwarts from the machinations of Sirius Black (World Renowned Death Eater). The Hogwarts Express itself was checked over by the demonic wardens to ensure Black was not among its passengers.

Reports from students indicate that most of them cowered in terror at the chilling presence of the dementors. Not Hermione who is reported to have actually killed one of the creatures, a feat so unrivaled in the history of the world that the monsters fled the train in panic. Only time will tell if this is true, but Minerva McGonagall, head of Hermione's own Gryffindor house, was reported to be muttering to herself that "The damned Weasley's are up to it again."

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Once again, the Defense classroom had been redecorated. Gone was the dramatic mood lighting, organ, and grimoire of unspeakable horrors. Now there were various devices displayed at the edges of the room, such as a sneakoscope or dowsing rod, and a helpful description of how they could be used to ensure one's safety. There were also a few cages with live animals in them, along with placards that gave information on the animal's dangers and how to best it. Harry rather liked the cornish pixie display, even if the pixies kept making faces at him.

"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Professor Lupin said once everyone had taken their seats. "I know that last year you had a somewhat unorthodox, but effective, teacher who instructed you. While I could never hope to compete with the likes of the Legendary Gilderoy Lockhart, I hope that by the end of the year each of you will be able to identify and defend against some of the more common magical creatures found here in Great Britain."

Lupin flicked his wand, and a wardrobe slid across the floor to rest beside him. Something inside it rattled ominously, the locked doors trembling slightly. "Now, here, we have a somewhat common creature, found mostly inside old magical homes in dark corners. Any guesses as to what it might be?"

Hermione of course, raised her hand, though so did several other students from old magical families, including Ron.

"Mr Weasley."

"I don't know sir," Harry said.

Lupin frowned, his eyebrows knitting in confusion. "No, I said Mr. Weasley, not you Mr. Potter."

"Who?" Lavender asked.

Pavarti leaned towards her and whispered. "I think he means Harry."

"Oh, I think it's probably a ghoul, sir," Ron said. "We have one at our house, it rattles the pipes in the attic sometimes but it's mostly harmless."

"Not a bad guess, though ghouls are usually fairly harmless, unlike this creature. Yes, Miss Granger."

"Why does he keep calling strange peoples names?" Seamus said, frowning at Dean.

Dean shrugged. "Guess his roster must be out of date, but I think he means Hermione."

"Is it a boggart?" Hermione guessed. "They're shapeshifters that like to hid in dark places and leap out at unexpected times."

"Quite correct. Five points to Gryffindor, Miss Granger." Everyone looked around with a confused expression, until they realized who Lupin was talking about, save for Hermione, who was having a very hard time not bursting out laughing.

"Now, the boggart takes the form of whatever you fear the most. However, it is not real, merely an illusion. The spell to stop the boggart is riddikulus, but the true key is envisioning what you find frightening and making it something fairly harmless. Now, let's see, we need a demonstration. Ah, Mr. Longbottom, what do you fear most?"

"Getting on Hermione's bad side," Neville said fervently.

Lupin raised an incredulous eyebrow, until he saw everyone else nodding in agreement.

"Ah, well then, perhaps someone else. You, Miss Greengrass?"

"Having red hair and getting sorted into the Weasley house," Daphne said.

"Oi!" Ron protested, though he laughed along with everyone else.

Lupin frowned. "Er, interesting. Anyone have any fears not directly related to their classmates?" Professor Lupin studiously ignored the redheads who raised their hands, deciding it would probably be best for everyone's sanity not to find out what they were terrified of. "How about you, Miss Patil?"

"Clowns," Parvati said, shivering slightly.

"Yes, very good. And how would you make a clown less terrifying?"

"Maybe if it turned into a giant snake?" Parvati offered.

"Why don't we find out? Now, remember, riddikulus!" Lupin opened the door, and a giant toy jack-in-the-box with a leering clown face popped out, swaying towards Parvati.

"Riddikulus!" Parvati cried, and the horrifying jack-in-the-box was replaced by a large cobra which hissed in confusion.

"Yes, very good, very good! Well, I was going to have the rest of you take a turn, but frankly I think we need to have a group therapy session where we work out just why you all have an irrational fear of gingers," Professor Lupin said, banishing the boggart back into the closet.

"It's hardly irrational," Draco grumbled, rubbing his recently broken nose. "They're all bloody crazy."

Lupin gave Draco an exasperated expression and was about to take points, until he realized that the three red heads had all shrugged and nodded their agreement.

"Not to mention they stole the Philosopher's Stone, battled You-Know-Who, killed a basilisk, dueled Gilderoy Lockhart, and apparently even dementors are afraid of them," Lavender added.

"Why on earth do you think dementors are afraid of them?" Lupin demanded, his tone incredulous.

"Well, because once the dementors went into Harry's compartment they all fled the train about a minute after," Neville said.

Lupin frowned. "But Harry and Luna fainted, and it was my patronus who drove them off."

"Nah, that was definitely Hermione they were running from," Seamus said confidently. "She's really scary. Besides, I think it was just a rumor Malfoy spread that Harry fainted. I mean, he's gone on all of Hermione's adventures. She's the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters you know."

"Where on earth did you come up with name?" Lupin demanded.

"Please sir, it's not their fault, it's just the Daily Prophet keeps getting the story wrong," Hermione said. "Haven't you read the articles?"

"I've been a bit reclusive the past few years, and been working on the continent." Lupin shook his head. "It seems I have a bit of catching up to do. Everyone get out your books, and read up on boggarts and defending against them. I think I need a headache relieving potion."

Once class was over, the three Weasley's walked outside of class to find Fred and George waiting for them, consulting the Marauder's map.

"Hello Harrykins, no dementors sighted yet. Ready to get to dinner?"

"Yeah, I'm starving," Harry agreed. "Who's got Luna and Ginny though?"

"Penny's their escort, she managed to break herself away from Percy for five minutes."

"Harry, could I speak with you for a-" Professor Lupin paused, his eyes locking onto the parchment in Fred and George's hands, which they hastily hid behind their backs. "Where on earth did you get that?"

Fred coughed something that sounded a lot like "mischief managed," before bringing the parchment back out. "What, this? Just a scrap of parchment."

"I see," Lupin took the parchment away, took out his wand and mutered. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." The map immediately reappeared.

"My God," Fred whispered.

"He's a Weasley too!"

The twins reached out and patted the Professor's hair.

Lupin flinched away, glaring at the twins. "What was that for?"

"Just wondering if it was a wig."

"Or if you dyed your hair."

"Dyed my hair?" Lupin asked, reaching up to touch his locks.

"Yeah, obviously if you're a Weasley it should be red!"

"I'm not a Weasley," Lupin said, sounding exasperated. "I just happen to know the creators of this particular piece of tomfoolery."

"You know Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail?" Harry asked.

Lupin nodded slowly, his fingers tracing over the parchment. "You could say that, I suppose."

"Well, then you know that it's in good hands," Fred said, sticking out his hand.

"Of course! We've used that map for nothing but mischief."

"And occasionally saving our family from dire peril."

"But mostly pranks."

"You've used this to help your family?" Lupin asked, sounding skeptical.

"Last year we used it to help foil Lockhart's sinister scheme," Harry said. Ron cuffed him upside the back of his head. "Well, we would have, if he did have a sinister scheme."

"This year we're using it to keep an eye out for Sirius Black," Hermione said. "That's why Fred and George came to pick us up: they're worried the dementors or Black will come back and attack us again."

Frowning, Lupin rolled up the parchment. "It's perfectly safe inside Hogwarts." All five Weasleys looked at their professor as if he'd grown a second head. "What? It is! It's the safest building in England."

"Yeah, except for the Dark Lords, three headed dogs, trolls, basilisks, dementors, and murderous lunatics," Ron dead panned. "Really professor, I think just about anywhere else is safer than Hogwarts."

Lupin started to protest, then reconsidered, thinking of his various escapades as a youth. "You may have a point," he conceded. "Very well, I suppose you are using this properly. I will return this map, provide you promise to use it only to help keep others safe."

Fred and George looked at one another, put their right hands behind their backs, and crossed their fingers. "We promise," they chorused.

"Hmmm," Lupin grunted, but he handed over the map. "Anyway, Harry, I wanted to discuss training you and Luna to cast those protective spells to keep you safe from the dementors. What about Saturday morning at 10 o'clock? Best to do it during daytime, just in case."

"Ok, we'll be there," Ron said. "Come on, let's go eat."

Lupin opened his mouth in protest, then closed it, cocking his head to one side as he watched the ginger bunch head off to supper. He smiled, his eyes losing focus as he became lost in memory. "You'd be so pleased, James, Lily. Harry's got a family, just like you wanted."

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"Professor McGonagall, might I have a moment of your time?"

McGonagall looked up from her copy of Witch Weekly, which had Gilderoy's beaming smile on the front yet again as it detailed his exploits in central america against a pack of chupacabras. "I suppose, Professor Lupin. Though really, with no students around, call me Minerva."

"Certainly, but only if you call me Remus."

"Of course, Remus. What can I do for you?"

"I had a question about some of your students in my third year class," Lupin said, sitting down in a comfortable armchair across from McGonagall in the teacher's lounge.

"Let me guess, it's the Weasleys," McGonagall said, sighing.

"No, actually. It's about Hermione and Harry."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow at Lupin. "As I said, the Weasleys."

"But I know Harry, he's not a Weasley, he's a Potter. And Hermione's a muggleborn with the name of Granger."

"Take that up with the blasted Hat," McGonagall grumbled. "I assure you, the entire Band of the Red Hair are, in fact, Weasleys. They have taken considerable steps to ensure that they are. Frankly, if you called them Potter and Granger, I'm half surprised they even knew who you were talking about."

Lupin blinked a few times, unable to come up with a sensible response.

"Hopefully they didn't do anything too dreadful. What was it this time? Did they accuse you of being evil and plotting against the school?"

"Well no. Actually they were quite well behaved. It's just...some of the things the other students said. We were studying boggarts, and Neville said he was most afraid of Hermione. Daphne Greengrass claimed to have nightmares about having red hair and getting put into the Weasley house." Lupin chuckled, shaking his head. "But of course that's nonsense."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Frankly, I find myself lying awake at night at times dreading who that clan will latch onto next and induct into the House of Weasley. The last time they actually stole the Sorting Hat to put Luna into the Weasley house."

"Luna?" Remus frowned. "You don't mean Xenophilius' daughter, do you? She's a Lovegood, i was wondering where the red hair came from though."

"Ask her. I can almost assure you that she will insist that she is not, in fact, a Lovegood. If pressed, she might give you a sensible explanation, or she might say the nargles made her do it. Frankly, it's all I can do to keep up with them. What I will do when Percy leaves next year, I don't know. He's practically the only thing preventing total chaos from being unleashed upon this school."

"You make them sound even worse than myself or James were at that age," Remus said, smiling.

McGonagall glared at Remus for a moment, then took a sip from a cup of tea. She set it down, and eyed Remus. "Frankly, at this point, James Potter and Sirius Black would be a calming influence."

Lupin's mouth flopped open. "You're serious?"

"No puns, please. I get enough for those from the twins."

"But, I wasn't, how…" Lupin trailed off, shaking his head. "But Harry seemed like such a sweet boy."

"Oh, he is. Until he gets it into his head that one of his professors are evil, or that it would be fun to sneak off into a forbidden area, or that he should be the one to rescue a classmate from a dangerous monster instead of the perfectly good professional dark creature slayer employed as his professor. I half expect them to figure out your condition and all demand to be bitten so they can foil that blasted Rotfang conspiracy that the Quibbler is always going on about."

"But that's utter madness!"

McGonagall huffed, picked up her magazine, and began reading again. "Good luck, Remus. You'll need it."

"But what about Sirius? He's a real danger! If they're as unmanageable as you say, they could get out, come under attack!"

"Frankly, it's Sirius Black's safety I'm concerned about at this point."

Lupin looked around the staff room, his expression utterly incredulous. Flitwick looked up from his chess game with Sinestra, his eyes twinkling nearly as much as the Headmasters. "Just you wait my boy. Have you ever heard the old curse, I hope you have a child just like you when you grow up? Well, for you, just think 'students' and imagine what you and your co-conspirators were like in your prime. Then remember that there are currently eight Weasleys in the castle."

"Nine," Sinestra said, moving her bishop.

Silence fell on the teacher's lounge. You could have heard a pin drop. Finally, McGonagall spoke in a strangled voice. "What do you mean, nine?"

"I caught the Head Boy and Girl in the astronomy tower doing some tongue exercises last night," Sinestra said, not taking her eyes off the board and Flitwick pondered his next move. "She'll have red hair by the end of the term. You mark my words."

"ALBUS!" McGonagall roared, shooting to her feet.

The Headmaster's bowl of Bertie Botts beans toppled over as he jumped. "Yes, Minerva?"

"Where is the Hat?" McGonagall's eyes were blazing, and her hands clenched into white knuckled fists.

"Locked away in my study, as it should be, Minerva," Dumbledore said, hand to his chest as though he'd just had a heart attack.

"They know where it is. They can find it. Use it." McGonagall skewered Dumbledore with a glare. "We will take the Hat and lock it away. Just like the precautions for the Stone. But different this time, more tricky. I want all the teachers in on it. No one touches that Hat, Albus, do you hear me? Not a single more Weasley. I have had it! We're already surrounded by Weasleys!"

Dumbledore removed his hand, his eyes twinkling once more. "Of course, of course. We shall begin the preparations this Sunday. Will that suffice?"

"I'm going to go put extra wards on your office," McGonagall growled, stalking out of the lounge.

Lupin stared after her, his eyes wide as dinner plates. He turned to Snape, who was quietly grading papers at the table. "Surely she's jesting! No one would...you can't just steal the Sorting Hat to sort someone if you don't like their house!"

"They've done it once already," Snape said, marking a paper and setting it neatly on the finished pile. "I wouldn't put it past the Brood to do it again. Especially not if the eldest is rutting."

"You can't seriously believe they'd do that," Lupin said, turning to look around the room. "That's madness!"

"I've got a galleon that she's got red hair by Christmas!" Sprout said cheerily, setting aside her knitting and pulling out a piece of parchment. "Do I have any other takers?"

"Two galleons it happens a week after Christmas Break," Snape said without looking up.

The rest of the Professors all put in various bets, as the shocked Lupin looked on. Just what had he gotten himself into?

The next day Lupin went to his classroom early, preparing for his private lesson with Luna and Harry. It would be good to get to know James and Lily's son a bit better, as well as his young girlfriend. On a hunch, he put the boggart back out, guessing that it may very well be the thing that Harry feared and a good target to practice the patronus charm on. He also got a few pepper up potions, chocolates, and calming draughts, just in case there was a severe reaction. At ten o'clock he waited expectantly, but no one came. By 10:10, Lupin got out homework and started grading it. When 10:30 rolled around, there was a commotion outside, and Lupin frowned and stood, thinking students were fighting in the halls. Before he could get to the door though, it banged open and a ginger horde swarmed into the classroom.

"Sorry we're late sir," Harry said, hurrying to the front of the room and sitting in a desk.

Luna sat down next to him, smiling up at Lupin. "It's my fault, I thought I saw a spitting gourna."

"Well maybe if Fred and George hadn't given Ron those awful sweets we wouldn't have had this problem," Hermione huffed, taking her own seat.

Ron, who looked slightly green, grunted and took his own seat.

"Well we had to test the puking pastilles on someone," the twins laughed.

Percy shook his head. "Next time test them on yourselves. We had to go all the way to the kitchens to get Ron another breakfast."

"I think they did test them on themselves, remember when we found them groaning in the hospital wing on Wednesday and thought they were skiving off?" Penelope asked, scooting her own desk close to Percy.

"Can I get one for when I have herbology next week? We're working with fainting daisies and I'm allergic," Ginny asked.

Lupin frowned at the redheads (and also Penelope) who finally quieted down and looked at him expectantly. "I thought I asked Harry and Luna to be here. Why did the rest of you come?"

"Well, because you said you were training the Weasleys on defending against dementors," Ginny answered.

"No, I specifically said I would be training Luna and Harry."

"Right, so, the Weasleys," Ron agreed.

"But they're not Weasleys," Lupin countered. "She's Luna Lovegood and he's Harry Potter."

Luna let out a gasp and smacked her forehead. "Of course, he doesn't recognize us!" She rummaged through her pockets for a moment, drew out a ridiculous pair of silly glasses with a large nose, bushy eyebrows, and a mustache attached and put them on. "See? I'm Luna Weasley, not Luna Lovegood."

"I don't think a pair of novelty glasses makes you a Weasley, Miss Lovegood," Lupin said. "Please, let's get this straight. Exactly how many Weasleys are enrolled at Hogwarts?"

There was a sound of rustling robes, and in a moment everyone had on the same pair of glasses. "Oi!" chorused the students.

"McGonagall was right; I'm surrounded by Weasleys," Lupin muttered. Shaking his head, he went over to his desk and downed a calming draught. Feeling much better, he sighed and turned back to the assembled gingers (and possible future ginger).

"Right, well then. Let's begin. Harry, why don't you approach the cabinet. I've got a boggart in there, and I have a feeling I know what form it will take."

Sure enough, the boggart turned into a dementor, causing Harry to step back. Lupin moved between the two of them, and the familiar silvery orb replaced the boggart. "Riddikulus!" Lupin said, and the boggart was banished.

"Very good, it will be much easier to practice on a boggart. Now, the charm for stopping a dementor is the patronus charm, which I will demonstrate. To help with it, cheering charms and pepper up potions can put you in the right frame of mind."

By the end of the first lesson, Percy and Penelope had both produced a corporeal patronus, which was unsurprising considering they were both talented seventh year students. And that they were holding hands when they did so. It appeared the rumors of tongue wrestling competitions between the two of them were correct. The twins managed to produce decent blobs that resembled animals, which was good progress. The others all could only make mist, but even that wasn't bad for second and third year students.

"Not bad, not bad at all. Of course, the charm is much harder with a true dementor present, but the practice is important. I want you all to practice together throughout the week. Next Saturday we'll continue to practice the patronus, and if you've mastered that we'll move on to shield charms and basic stunners."

Once the Weasley's were gone, Lupin collapsed into his chair. Reaching into his desk, he pulled out a bottle of firewhiskey, not bothering with a glass. He took swig, then poured out a little on the floor. "James my friend, despite the hair color, that boy truly is your son."

Authors Note:

Anybody want a peanut?