You can accuse us of many things, but at least we’re consistent!

Another July and another lost series. Seriously this NSW team have seen more dead rubbers than a Surry Hills knock shop.

Nonetheless, tonight we’ll be out there at ANZ Stadium bombing tries, dropping passes and doing what we can to redefine the word ‘underachievement”.

The camp has been a blur. Not so much that it’s gone fast, but the fact we were heavily intoxicated for the whole seven days!!!

Anyway, these are the moments which set the scene in the lead up to tonight’s defeat.

MONDAY — WELCOMING THE NEW BOYS TO THE TEAM

We gather at the Star Casino to blow our wages from game two, as well as the traditional captain’s greeting, which is just a fancy name for Paul Gallen threatening the new players and giving them the team rules.

RULE 1 — Give the ball to Gal whenever he wants it.

RULE 2 — Gal wants the ball all the time, so just give him the ball.

RULE 3 — In all media interviews refer to Gal as ‘Great Inspirational Warrior’.

RULE 4 — Don’t use the words ‘Paul Gallen’ and ‘Greedy’ in the same sentence.

RULE 5 — Don’t use the words ‘Gus’ or ‘Phil Gould’ when in the presence of the ‘Great Inspirational Warrior’.

DALEY: Fans and Gal deserve victory

BLOCKER:Klemmer needs to be new Blues ‘villain’

TUESDAY: FIRST TRAINING RUN

We have our best training session for many series, our new players in particular, Anthony Milford and Valentine Holmes, are on fire.

The speed, skill and energy these two brilliant young players exhibit sends a lightning bolt of confidence through the team.

Coach Laurie Daley declares at the media conference that he’s never felt so confident before an Origin match.

Unfortunately, hack journo Dean Ritchie breaks the news to us during the media scrum that Holmes and Milford are actually Queenslanders.

Coach Laurie Daley declares Queensland will win the next 10 Origin Series.

media_camera Artwork: Scott “Boo” Bailey.

WEDNESDAY: MEET WITH THE REFEREES’ BOSS

Laurie and I meet with referees boss Tony Archer to air our disgust at how Game I and II were controlled.

Tony Archer is very receptive to our requests, particularly after I produce a large knife from my pants.

He agrees to consider all requests.

THE REQUEST

1. Every time Cam Smith lies in the ruck, a NSW player should be allowed to remove him using any part of the football boot.

2. Sam Thaiday’s face be declared a “free zone” to the no-punching rule.

3. Genital squeezing to be deemed acceptable.

4. NSW to be given 14 points start.

DAY 3: WARM-UP MATCH

While in Coffs we decide to play a warm-up game, as an opportunity to nail down new combinations.

Our opponents are the Sawtell Panthers U16s team. It’s a great opportunity for us to rattle up a big score, gain some confidence, while giving a bunch of snotty nosed no-hopers from the mid-North Coast an opportunity to rub shoulders with rugby league legends.

I’m proud to say that the future of New South Wales is in safe hands with the 16-year-old delinquents beating us 38-16.

The Daily Telegraph took the negative spin of course with the headline “Puberty Blues”. Alleged journo David Riccio then had a crack, describing our performance as having, “Less bite than a 95-year-old woman on a soup diet.”

I focused on the positive, saying, “The Sawtell hooker, halfback and fullback are freakish young talents and will form the spine of a future Blues side that will enjoy a decade’s dominance.”

Unfortunately, Riccio then broke the news that they are Queenslanders.

Coach Laurie Daley declares Queensland will dominate till 2045.

DAY 4: ADAM REYNOLDS RULED UNFIT

Adam Reynolds is ruled unfit after I follow him into the toilets and “accidentally” smash him across his troublesome shoulder with a mallet.

When ruled out, Reynolds is very emotional and breaks down in tears ... Pretty pathetic!!

I make him feel better by making up some story about him being the NSW halfback for the next five years.

I’ve used the same speech on Jamie Soward, Josh Reynolds, Mitchell Pearce, Jarrod Mullen, Trent Hodkinson, Brett Kimmorley and Ben Hornby.

RETIRING PLAYERS’ DINNER

No expense is spared as we organise a special dinner to celebrate the final Origin game for Gal and Robbie Farah at North Parramatta McDonald’s.

The night starts with David Klemmer breaking the McNuggets eating record, demolishing 209 of those bad boys in an hour.

Later that night he made the hotel toilet look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

At the dinner, Gallen got up and made a very emotional speech. Gal spoke about the things he’ll miss most about Origin, such as the $30,000 match payments, the free lunches, refusing to pay for the mini bar, and the $30,000 match payments.

GAME DAY

The boys enjoy a nice lay in before lunch at the hotel, followed by a motivational session where Laurie asked me to organise a singer to perform for the boys.

Laurie suggests Jimmy Barnes doing ‘No Second Prize’. But I tell him it’s a little too late for that, besides the players getting $30,000 — win or lose — defeats the romance of the song.

Instead I organise the Little River Band’s Glenn Shorrock to come in and perform his hit, ‘Lonesome Loser’.

No surprise to learn, the team know every word!