The new Apple iPad meets the Real World

A review by M. Pinkston

Recently my employer offered to buy myself and all of my coworkers our own iPads. He wanted us to test them out and give our thoughts about it's practical use in the work place and where possible, see what other devices it could possibly replace or be substituted for. This review is presented as a series of 12 such possible uses for the iPad. I basically have challenged the iPad with 12 tests. With this, I attempt to illustrate what you can expect, performance wise, from your new Apple iPad.

Excited to get started the iPad arrived via FexEx and was express shipped to me directly from China. I tore into it like a kid on Christmas morning.

Let's get started, shall we?

1. Paper Weight

Does this one even count? I mean what can't be successful as a paper weight? Another Piece of paper perhaps? Nonetheless, for the sake of due diligence, here's proof that the new Apple iPad performs as an adequate paper weight. Note that there is actually a breeze coming thru that open window and that Apple iPad invoice is staying put.

Result: Success

2. Toaster Oven Tray

The new Apple iPad worked wonderfully in this capacity. I was pleasantly surprised when it fit quite nicely in the toaster oven and the door closed unobstructed. It's the perfect size for this. It should also be said that it worked great as a plate right from the toaster oven. No need to get another dish dirty. Way to to go Apple!

Result: Success

3. Cup

With the recent victory in the previous test I was certain the new Apple iPad was going to put on a good show for this one. Sadly, I was wrong. The new Apple iPad just didn't make that great of a cup.

Even with the iPad's drastic failure as a cup, I couldn't help but notice that my juice looked way cooler on the iPad. Seemed to taste better as well.

Result: Fail

4. Scratching Post

How hard could this be, right? One thing I have noticed is that cats don't seem too picky about what they will scratch. It's almost like they just want to tear into everything... carpet, couches, flesh. They just don't care about what they sink their claws into. That is why I was completely baffled about the results of this test. I even placed the iPad as close to the cat as possible.. as if to say, "hey kitty, go ahead and tear into it." The cat barely looked at the iPad. Perhaps this is by design? Could Apple have built the iPad to repel cats? Your call here. From what I saw, iPad was never going to be a scratching post.

Result: Fail

5. Sort & Fold Laundry

So the new Apple iPad is supposed to be full of usefulness.. apps for just about everything, right? Wrong! Yet another thing the iPad failed miserably at. In fairness to the iPad, the cat you see in the picture wouldn't fold laundry either... go figure?

Result: Fail

6. ZX-14 engine

This next one would be a stretch.. and I admit, unlike the other absolutely plausible tests I conducted, this was meant more as a joke. Two pictures to prove it can't power a Kawasaki ZX-14 to move. Couldn't even figure out where to connect the coils let alone the chain.

Result: Fail

7. Wheel Chock

Since I was out in the garage it was only a few steps over to the trailer. I wasn't counting on much but I was pleasantly surprised by the competence of the iPad as a wheel chock. Hard to believe it I know.. but the picture proves it.

Result: Success

8. Screw Driver

What a shameful thing this is. Here the iPad is out done by a $10 screw driver. Come on Apple.. what were you thinking?

Screw Driver: $2 - 15

iPad" $499 - $829

Result: Fail

9. Rear View Mirror

Honestly, I was sure the iPad could do this. Not included are the 10 or so pictures I took trying to find the right angle. I was sure the new Apple iPad could do this simple task, what with its boasted "large Multi-Touch screen and advanced capabilities" along with being able to view in both "portrait or landscape on the large Multi-Touch screen", it did not allow viewing anything. What a joke! Sadly the New Apple fell short once again. So sorry Apple.. you suck.

Result: Fail

10. Lawn Mower

Nope! Wouldn't even budge. I sat there for like 10 minutes... nothing! Finally had to call my yard care guys and plead with them to add me back to their route. What a fool I was made to look like. Sheesh!

Result: Fail

11. Pull Weeds

I swear this is a genuine shot. That damn iPad was happy to just play in the dirt. You can see it here literally trying to hide from me amongst the weeds. As if I wasn't going to see it. Unreal! I almost drop kicked the new Apple iPad back to last month.. a time before I ordered it. So lame!

Result: Fail

12. Passenger for car pool Lane

Saved the best for last. Convinced the iPad was pretty much useless, only succeeding and the simplest of tasks that basically allowed it's lazy ass to just sit there.. I thought.. "OK, I got a task for you that even an unconscious homeless man juiced up on $4 bum jug could do. "Just sit there and we'll take the HOV lane to the auto body supply place for some primer. How hard can this be, iPad?"

We got 2 miles!

I plead with the officer to cut us some slack for the sake of scientific research. He wasn't impressed. Then again, neither was I. $350 fine.. nice!

Result: Fail

In conclusion, the iPad just isn't all it's cracked up to be... failing more tests than it passed. Disappointed is an understatement.