Page 30TV Tuesday, July 12, 2005 Reprimanding a is Vou might think things have gone a bit wacky lately on the courts and crimes beat. We have the US. Supreme Court deciding a city can bulldoze your house if the motel some developer wants to build will bring in more property taxes. Even Tom DeLay and Max-ine Waters are together in their criticism of that absurdity. Then we have the governor of Iowa restoring voting rights to convicted felons, even if they haven't paid court-ordered restitution to their victims. The governor did this on Independence Day, no less. One can only imagine what the founding fathers would have thought of those two moves. But this next one, the case of a fellow named Fitzroy Barnaby, would likely make Adams, Jefferson and Madison laugh out loud. Or cry. Pretend for a minute you're the unlucky Mr. Barnaby. You're driving down the street obeying traffic laws and generally being a good citizen, when some idiot kid wanders into traf- a crime? Apparently if S JohnCarlson fic. You slam on the brakes and swerve, missing the kid and leaving a puddle on the car seat. You have two choices. You can shut up, drive home 5 miles an hour and have a stiff belt. Or you can take a moment to tell the kid how she almost got herself killed and ruined your life forever. You're better off going with the first option, considering what happened to Barnaby, who went with the second. This is because the 28-year-old Evanston, 111., man ended up and this is not a joke being officially branded a sex offender. The facts, as reported in the Chicago Sun-Times, show that an OPINION angry Barnaby called to the 14-year-old he'd nearly run down, yelling, "Come here, little girl." He then got out of his car, took her by the arm and gave her a lecture about how stepping in front of a vehicle is a very bad idea. The girl ran away, complained to police and Barnaby was charged with again no joke attempted kidnapping and child abduction. This is even though he didn't attempt to take the girl anywhere. Barnaby beat those charges. He was, however, convicted of unlawful restraint of a minor. And in Illinois, that is considered a sex offense. That means even though he didnt do anything to the kid other than take her by the arm and give her a lecture that might end up saving her life, he must register as a sex offender. He is prohibited from living near a park or school and must keep local police advised as to his place of residence. He might even get his name and picture in the local newspaper, to advise neighbors they're careless kid living near a sex offender. How is this possible, you ask? Well, a spokesman in the prosecutor's office said, the guy should be considered a sex offender "because of the proclivity of off end-ers who restrain children to also commit sex acts or other crimes against them." Now we'll let the Appellate Court of Illinois, which upheld this insanity last week, explain itself. While it may well be "unfair for (Barnaby) to suffer the stigmatiza-tion of being labeled a sex offender when his crime was not sexually motivated," grabbing a kid is "often a precursor" to a child being molested, the court said. "It is (Barnaby's) actions which have caused him to be stigmatized, not the court," the ruling said. Trial court judge Patrick Morse even conceded Barnaby's only apparent intention was to chastise the girl. But, the judge said, "I can't read his mind." So poor Barnaby is sucked into the muck with child molesters, even though his only crime was The Register's Iowa Weekly taking a kid by the arm for a few seconds and giving her a lecture that might end up saving her life. Barnaby's lawyer, Frederick Cohn, of Chicago, provided a succinct assessment of the situation: "This is the most stupid ruling the appellate court has rendered in years." Makes you wonder what Illinois judges have done in years past to equal or top this one. Because when it comes to stupid rulings, this one is big league. Could this happen in Iowa? Maybe. Say you hold a kid by the arm while you're chewing him out for tromping through your flower bed. You could be charged with "false imprisonment." And the Iowa Code says a person convicted of any criminal offense against a minor has to register as a sex offender. Better to silently suffer the flattened flowers. As Barnaby learned, anything can happen when you're hauled in a courtroom. John Carlson can be reached at (515) 284-8204 or Jcarlsondmreg.com