I don’t want to be like those obnoxious food bloggers with a whole emotional spiel about the religious experience the dish that inspired the recipe afforded them, so I’ll keep that part short. Real short.

I’ve never had a Sloppy Joe in my life. Nary even a Manwich.

I used to be a big meat-y more than bean-y chili person, but the whole vegan thing kind of eliminates meat, so I had to make do.

Want the recipe without the spiel? Click here!

For the Joe (“Meat”)

1 cup of green lentils

2 cups of water

For the Sloppy

Diced medium green bell pepper

Half a medium-smallish yellow or white onion, minced

A touch of olive oil

15 oz can of tomatoes— sauced would probably be best but I used petite diced and it wasn’t too bad

Pinch of brown sugar

A few shakes of Pickapeppa sauce (but Worcester is fine)

Enough chili powder that you get taste without being “too spicy” for my white as bread mother

For serving

Amoroso rolls because I’m from suburban Philadelphia, baby — toasted please!!

A kosher dill stacker because I’m a pickle lover

Some cheese on the side for my parents since they still like their solidified cow breast milk (no judgement zone)

And most optional of all: zucchini beet salad, which is just a can of sliced beets diced, a spiralized zucchini, and a shake of dill

Cooking

Start by washing your lentils so you don’t fart for eight thousand years. After that, stick em and two cups of water in a small saucepan and heat until a nice baby boil starts. Lower to simmer and keep it at that for 20 minutes while you tackle the rest.

In a medium-biggish, more on the biggish side skillet, set it over medium heat and let it get, well, hot. Splash some oil in there, along with your diced bell pepper and minced onion. I like to say it as “uh-knee-oh-né” when I throw it in. Feels purposeful and powerful. Stir those around every so often for five minutes. Salt and pepper em a tad, and stir again.

Pour in your can of tomato in a pseudo-liquid form. Shake your chili powder a few times.

Shake that Pickapeppa even more because it smells so gooooood. Stir that around until combined. Add a shake of oregano here because it was lying around and you figured it couldn’t hurt. It was only a single shake though, so let me know how it goes if you accidentally throw in two. Stir that puppy and let it simmer on low as you panic about the lentils.

Your lentils are fine. Drain the water from them and then pour them into your tomato-sauce wanna be. Stir to combine. And then store more and pretend you’re some sort of meat-less Bobby Flay. Let those juices combine over medium-low-but-err-on-medium heat for about five or ten minutes. Then call your dad and ask him when he’ll be home from mediation because he said he was going to be home two hours ago. When he says eat without him, just say “okay” and hang up. Let your lentil slop simmer over low for another ten or so minutes. At this point it’s no longer about cooking and more about just keeping the dish warm until your mom washes her hands and comes downstairs to eat.

Serving

Set the table, prepare your side salad, I don’t really give a shit. I toasted some buns for five minutes in a 300 degree Fahrenheit oven because it seemed like something Bobby Flay would do. Set the table. Get a little fed up waiting for your parents and plate their dishes for them. Check the mail as your mom comes down the stairs, and guess who pulls right in the driveway. Hi, Dad!

Hell yeah, time for Sloppy Joes.

Prep: 10 minutes (but can be interspersed in the cooking period)

Cooking: 30 minutes

Serves: Anywhere from 5 to maybe 8 depending on how much you give your victims.

Ideas for next time: Saucier tomatoes. Cumin. Maybe a splash of vinegar. Sweet potato fries as accompaniment.