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Give your scan a rest cause you just found the mother of motherlodes, the premier place for outlaw oration, the one and only B0otyCall. Yours truly is none other than the revered and reviled ganker with the gift of gab, Jester. And as sole proprietor of this special slice of spec, I’ve got full rights to go on a tear about any little ol’ thing that happens to be pissin’ me off. For example —

Now, I don’t know if I’m getting a bit long in the tooth or if it’s just the nature of entropy, but what in the bloody fires of Tat’Ko is going on with the way most pirates are suiting up these days? Since you’re tuning in to this little production of mine, I can tell that you’re a person of discriminatin’ taste. My guess is that you’ve probably experienced similar rage anytime you visited an outpost or station recently. Take two steps inside and you will be practically blinded by flashing lights, glowing skulls, neo-rimmed trenchers, and spikes pointing every which way.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a splash of panache. Ours is a colorful lifestyle deserving of a colorful wardrobe, but there is a big fat line between dressing to impress and playing dress-up, if you get me. Talk about trying way too hard. What’s the phrase? “I’m not buying whatever it is you’re selling.” When the crapper is backed up on your ship, who are you more likely to trust to fix it? Someone that shows up in coveralls and a tool belt, or the person knocking on your hatch dressed like a toilet?

This isn’t even about the silliness that sometimes comes with coordinating outfits with your pack. I can understand that. Sure it’s a bit odd to wear pretty much the same thing as the dozen or so other roughbacks you spend all your time with, but when the shooting starts, it’s nice to be able to tell who’s who. Plus, it’s a convenient way to tell what turf you stumbled onto. ‘Oh, there’s a bunch of people around me wearing purple helmets and a spiderweb logo on their right arm?’ I made a wrong turn and should leave immediately before I get shot.

No. This isn’t about that. This is about those people you see at the bar casually drinking a beer while wearing Vanduul-sized pauldrons and a mirror-finish cape. When did that become okay? I’m just saying that maybe it’s time for us as a collective to rein it in a bit. It’s almost like every lowbrow suddenly decided that instead of dressing like a Human, it’d be better to wear a huge sign that says, “Arrest me.” You want to know why there’s extra security guards shadowing you? Or why that customs officer thinks you deserve a few extra scans? It’s because you look exactly like what they think a pirate should look like. Hell, I’m sure they watched a vid the night before where the bad guys were shooting up the heroes wearing the exact getup that you have on right now. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least that you picked out what to wear based off that same vid. Real outlaws don’t wear something just because a vid tells them that’s what they should wear. Real outlaws wear whatever they bleedin’ well please.

So, if everyone could just —

Wait … I just said real outlaws wear whatever they want, didn’t I?

And here I’ve been bossing you around like I’m some UEE flapcoat tellin’ you the exact opposite and preachin’ on about rules and decorum …

You know what? I take it all back. Wear whatever the hell you want. At the the end of the day, that’s the most pirate thing you can do.

And, if it winds up that your choice of gear draws a bit more heat, so be it. At least they won’t be looking at me.

B0otyCall out!