PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a clementine more luscious than any other. Well, there’s no doubt about it—these tart little numbers are ripe, juicy, and ready to explode,” a statement released by the company explained that the new clementine began as an attempt to simply improve upon the existing “Cuties” variety before curious researchers realized how deeply today’s discerning adult palates desired more mature, sensual fruit. “Believe me, these babies may be small, but they’re all clementine. Your mouth will water as you gently separate their quivering, dewy segments, bury your face in their secret clefts, and hilt your tongue in the sweet tenderness within.” Sun Pacific announced plans to sell Hotties in a commemorative red satin pouch for a limited time.

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