CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the Journal Of Contemporary Ethnography, scientists at the University of Chicago have established a definitive link between how promptly an individual responds to emails and how pathetic that person is as a human being. “Our research shows that, without exception, only the saddest and most pitiable individuals will reply to a new message in their inbox within moments of receiving it, whereas those who respond after an extended period—oftentimes up to multiple days—are invariably more socially adept, confident people,” said sociologist Daniel Moran, confirming that the length of time that passed between receiving a given work or personal email and sending a reply was directly correlated to the level of excitement, diversity, and fulfillment in that person’s life. “By simply noting how quickly it takes an acquaintance or colleague to respond to one’s online correspondence, email users can accurately assess what kind of person they're dealing with. And it goes without saying that those people who respond immediately to emails can safely be written off as miserable losers who are sadly hanging on every little message that gets sent their way.” Moran also added that the frequency with which one checked or refreshed their email account corresponded precisely to how empty that person felt inside.

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