Decisive Boris Johnson asks nation to pretend he’s ordered a lockdown

The Prime Minister showed his Churchillian mettle yesterday as he strongly advocated everybody act like he’d actually taken a decision and put the country in lockdown, because stout-hearted Britons don’t really need someone to take actual responsibility.

At a press conference that is set to be a daily event until too many people mock him on comedy panel shows, Boris Johnson instructed citizens to act as if he’d banned mass gatherings and closed businesses.

He declared, “It is vital that we all pull together and behave as if I’d done my job, taken a firm decision and accepted it will be my job to deal with the consequences.

“People must just imagine the pubs and restaurants are shut, even though I haven’t forced them to, and not go to that football match that I will not compel anyone to cancel.

“Thankfully, a lot of businesses have actually decided to go ahead and lose money by shutting down large events. Not sure why. When we ask them they mutter something about not being callous enough to kill people for profit. It’s bizarre but it serves our purpose.”

Boris Johnson also implored people to think of those who would suffer most from the disease.

“In these trying times, it is vital we think of protecting those most at risk; the insurance companies.

“Should the disease keep spreading and we have to order a real lockdown and not some wishy-washy optional recommendation, they could be liable for billions in claims from business continuity insurance customers. Some might even die, although we will obviously do our best to bail them out.

“As an aside, if you’re a manufacturer that supported the Tories or the Leave campaign, just stop making diggers or whatever it is you build and knock out a few medical ventilators. We’ll pay you whatever you ask.

“I told you we’d take care of you.”