KAPOLEI, HI—Wiping the sweat from his brow and contemplating his long road to vengeance, one-eyed man Calvin Simmons, who was locked up by Kamala Harris 25 years ago, quietly removed his Tulsi Gabbard mask Tuesday after learning that the California senator had dropped out of the presidential race. “The day she locked me up for marijuana possession, I looked her in the eye and swore I would have my revenge,” said Simmons, rubbing the long scar on his head while staring into the dark, empty room around him and ruminating on how his lifelong quest to destroy Harris’s presidential ambitions was finally complete. “Fifteen years of my life gone—you took them from me Kamala, but it looks like I’ve had the last laugh. All those lost days in prison, plotting my return, crafting my backstory, studying you for weaknesses, I even joined the army, it’s all lead to this. You thought you were tough, you thought you had destroyed me, but your chickens have come home to roost. He nani, Kamala.” At press time, Simmons had taken Gabbard’s remaining campaign funds and fled the country to begin a new life in Micronesia.

Advertisement