Rather than choosing between adventure and thrills or settling down for the long haul, there is another way, says Mariella Frostrup – she could stay single and see what else comes along

The dilemma Our daughter is 35 and is feeling distressed and, although she hasn’t asked for advice, I suspect she’d like to be told what to do. Her dilemma is whether she should give up her current relationship (of some six months) with a quiet, reliable, steady lady who loves her deeply but “without any fireworks” and give a second chance to the other potential life partner whose offer of commitment three years ago came garnished with excitement, fun and compatible values. When on holiday this woman wanted our daughter to join her in being a full-on party girl, with drink and drugs, and she returned home broken-hearted and alone. This same lady has recently been in contact to apologise, to express regret for causing such pain and disappointment and to say she’s changed. I worry because she is living (unhappily, she says) with someone else. I’ve said nobody can guarantee the future of any relationship, however well or badly it starts. I do believe in second chances, but…

Mariella replies What a lovely mum you are. I can’t help noticing that your “girl” is 35 years old. They never warn us that looking after our offspring is a lifelong commitment! Yet here you are with an adult child on your hands, still worrying about her as though she were a teenager taking her first steps in the dating world.

It’s great that you’re on close enough terms to be discussing your daughter’s romantic life in such detail. So many parents find their years of accrued wisdom entirely dismissed by kids who feel they understand the world and all it contains perfectly well themselves. Then again, your daughter is in a romantic tangle that continues to preoccupy many of us throughout our lives.

The possibility of adventure and thrills weighed against the comfort of companionship often tips the scales, but there’s no point pretending it doesn’t come at a cost. It would certainly be better for all if those two elements were understood to ebb and flow. When you settle down for the long haul you can’t spend every day dying to rip your partner’s clothes off the second they get home. Nevertheless, settling for the opposite is equally unhealthy, not least because the temptation to look elsewhere for excitement will always linger.

It sounds like the excitement this woman has to offer comes at a cost, and I assume it’s a price you think is too high

At a party the other day a friend described how after five years of full-on parenting she and her partner had entrusted their three young children to their in-laws and spent two nights together in a country hotel. She was positively alight as she described the relationship-enhancing reminder it had proved to be of what first drew them together. It goes to show that if sparks exist they can be rekindled, but if they’re not there to start with, problems are bound to arise.

You describe your daughter’s present relationship as one of comfortable coexistence; it’s a degree of complacency that’s hard to credit in a union that’s only six months old. I’m equally dubious about the prodigal party girl trying to reconnect while she’s still embroiled in another relationship. She’s probably just looking for someone to rescue her from her current situation – and that’s definitely not a good spot for any new relationship to begin. Wanting to meet up to apologise is admirable, but as she’s already done so by telephone, the purpose of them rendezvousing appears redundant. It sounds like the excitement this woman has to offer comes at a cost, and I assume it’s a price you think is too high.

Instead of trying to work out which partner your daughter should choose, you might consider the possibility that neither is quite right. If she’s dissatisfied enough with her current domestic set-up to already be looking beyond for entertainment, it’s an indication she is not content with what she’s got. But there’s a big difference between connecting with someone who challenges and excites you and the agony of insecurity and unrequited longing that, when provoked, we mistake for love.

Few of us haven’t at one point or another wondered whether to go from the easy companionship of a well-trammelled relationship to the fireworks on offer elsewhere. Your daughter sounds quite the sensible sort, but now she’s experiencing one of those life-defining moments where there’s no right answer. Describing it as a decision about a “life partner” won’t help. None of us know what will and won’t work in the long-term, we can only try to gauge the qualities of the person we’re attracted to through the fog of our passion or the equally unreliable promise of security.

When it comes to romance we’re all just feeling our way in the dark and that’s where friends and family, who know our faults, foibles and fascinations, are well worth listening to. Luckily your big girl has got you to help her steer her course and my only advice would be to not overdramatise the dilemma. She may be torn between two lovers, but there’s always a third option: to retain her independence and see what else life has to offer. When you can’t make a choice you are confident about, that’s often the best decision of all.

• If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1