Vote For Who Should Advance In Round 1 Of The Bristol Blarney Bracket Of Ratchet Madness

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Here are your 8 ratchets who will be advancing to round 2 in the Kylie Kirkpatrick Bracket.

Kylie had easily the biggest margin of victory in the tournament thus far I’m shocked that neither Rizzy nor Billy Tibbetts made it to the second round

That brings us to our final bracket – the Bristol Blarney Bracket. You have 24 hours to vote for which ratchets should advance in each of the following match ups. I have provided links and a bulleted ratchet resume to help you make an informed decision.

1. Bristol Blarney vs. 16. Springfield Poon Pinatas

1. Bristol Blarney

Spent a year and a half exposing deadbeat parents and ratchets while failing to disclose that she lost all 4 of her kids multiple times to DCF, and gave 2 away permanently because she didn’t want to stop having sex with dangerous drug addicted men

Created a fake Facebook account called Aiden Blarney while employed by Turtleboy for the sole purpose of sabotaging a fundraiser that was her idea to begin with

Stole $300 from the company and played the victim when she was questioned about it

Formed a cult in a Discord group where she made up blatant lies about me stealing money from a victim of domestic violence

When told that I had information about her history she filed for a harassment order in a failed attempt to keep me from writing about it

Currently facing criminal charges in Leominster District Court for hacking into the Turtleboy Facebook page in order to write a threatening comment to herself in a failed attempt to violate me on a harassment order

Attempted to lecture a judge on how federal law and ended up making a fool of herself

Probably burned a company truck in a vain attempt to frame me for it

Brought a trio of ratchets with her to court, including a woman who goes by “Masshole’s Wife” and threatens to send mobs to 4 year old girl’s cheering events

After losing her kids to DCF due to hazardous conditions in section 8 apartment she made a YouTube video pretending to obtain an abortion while 6 months pregnant

Kicks dogs and repeatedly abuses junkie boyfriend, who she calls her husband despite still being married to other drug addict who abused her

Filed a fraudulent federal complaint with YouTube in a failed attempt to get me kicked off the platform for copyright

Neglected teenage daughter in order to work on YouTube show that nobody watches

Questioned by doctors, police, and DCF about suspicious bruises on her daughter

Is a “recovering” alcoholic and drug addict who got first baby daddy hooked on crack

16. Springfield Poon Pinatas

Caught on tape stealing over $160 worth of liquor from a store while wearing outfits that looked like something Bozo the Clown’s hooker sister would wear

On was pregnant with the other one’s brother’s baby

Famously claimed that “I got money,” but still couldn’t afford to pay for alcohol

Referred to as a “rat ho” in ratchet Springfield circles

Previously tried and failed to rob the same Costco weeks earlier

Once tried running over a security guard at the Natick Mall with her car in order to save her friend who had been caught stealing, only to see that friend get into the car, abandon her, and drive it away

8. Red Bull Rhonda & Trap Queen Tracy vs. 9. Luke Noble

8. Red Bull Rhonda & Trap Queen Tracy

Stopped traffic in the middle of a busy Lynn street in order to exchange fisticuffs

Was abandoned by boyfriend, who she then called to come back to defend her honor but never did

Told random men in car who were trying to get by that, “You’re getting your ass whooped today. It’s a wrap. It’s a wrap. You wanna call me a crackhead? Look at this crackhead!!”

Despite being the aggressor Trap Queen Tracy shied away from combat and clearly lost the fight despite her opponent holding a Red Bull throughout the fight

Previously arrested for kicking two cops in the balls during an arrest

9. Luke Noble

Caught on video verbally berating his crying 3 year old daughter, telling her to shut the f up, and asking his ex-wife how they created such a monster

Had his bootleg lawyer threaten me with litigation if I published factual information about Luke

Put his social media accounts back up two days after being exposed, and posted a picture of himself and his new wife at the bar drinking a Corona during a pandemic

Issued statement to newspaper asking people to stop circulating the video of him verbally abusing his daughter

Divorce documents show that he was accused by that same daughter of sexual abuse, which was corroborated as credible by both her therapist and pediatrician

Held in contempt of court after trying to switch doctors and therapists because they had testified against him

Sued his ex-wife and only agreed to drop the lawsuit if she signed a NDA promising not to talk about all the things he did while they were married

4. Shane Hoban vs. 13. Chicopee Herpesaurus

4. Shane Hoban

Self-described hottest up and coming comedian in Boston

Recovering junkie whose act is the least funny bit in the history of comedy

Came out at a set in Braintree with a mask on and had such funny lines as, “If you guys are ready to pahhhhhtttyyy make some mother f***ng noise right now, give it up for yourself, let’s go,” and “I don’t think Tom Brady, ya know, when he goes to church, ya know, I don’t think he prays to Jesus, I think Jesus prays to Tom Brady. I love Tom Brady. Ya know, I umm, I live in the city.”

Attempted a career as a YouTube rapper prior to comedy

Wrote a song that contained the lyrics, “I’m a sex offender. I’m a sex offender”

Vowed to ruin a woman’s life and smear her in his act after she politely turned down his offer for dinner and sex

Said that he would read her text messages on stage and bragged about having connections to Jam’n 94.5

More women began coming forward with abusive and threatening text messages he sent them after turning him down

Sent a picture of a BB gun to someone in a failed attempt to intimidate

Upcoming show was cancelled after he got called out so he posted a sympathy seeking post about killing himself by overdosing on heroin, something he has done in the past whenever he says something dumb and gets called out for it



13. Chicopee Herpesaurus

Had cops called to her house 6 times in 2 days after hosting never ending revenue generating parties

Keeps piles of trash on the porch that squirrels mate in, that goes all the way up to the ceiling

Had to negotiate her surrender to the police after initially refusing to come out

Regularly has rival women show up to her house trying to fight her because she had sex with their boyfriends

Gave up her litter of children to “live her best life” by joining a gang called the “Afty Kings” that stays up all night drinking Hennessy

Afty Kings use people like her to whore their apartments out and charge a cover fee

Frequently allows underage boys in flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats to attend the parties at her crib, where she no doubt misses rent payments on the regular

5. Cumpty Dumpty vs. 12. Failure Swift

5. Cumpty Dumpty

Sudbury woman who conspired with her junkie boyfriend to rob a veteran’s house because they knew he was in the hospital after having his leg amputated as a result of a backyard brush fire

Claimed the veteran told her she could break into his house on three separate occasions because she needed to get money for her dog’s surgery, despite being in a coma and video evidence showing her kicking in his door and ransacking the house

Her boyfriend later died of an overdose and she continued to use his Facebook page to threaten and harass turtle riders

Used his death to start a GoFundMe to raise money to buy more drugs

Claimed to have sat with his dead corpse for three hours before calling 911, but was probably just getting rid of the stash

12. Failure Swift

Unemployed woman who filmed herself harassing her husband Metro in bed after a long day of work, for the purposes of public humiliation, because he wanted to watch TV

Posted the video on Facebook but later told Metro that she was hacked

Spent $35K of Metro’s money on her pyramid scheme that she calls a business

Accused by Metro of being a “f***ing thief,” and when confronted about the stolen money she said that it was illegal for him to look at his own bank records

Began illegally selling anti-skin cancer medication

Took out restraining orders against in-laws and doesn’t allow Metro to have a relationship with them

Has been married nearly half a dozen times, leaving each husband after using up all their money

Hired an attorney to sue me for defamation after publishing blogs about her public videos, including another video in which she was kicked out of Kent Hospital in Warwick for pretending to have had a stroke

May have pretended to have skin cancer because she’s still jealous of Metro’s ex-husband who his family loved and who died of cancer

May have been the reason Metro was fired from previous position as band director at West Warwick High School

Doesn’t allow her daughters to have a social life or friends

Has started multiple questionable GoFundMe’s for diseases that she either doesn’t have or embellishes

Forced her talented musician husband to form a Jazz duo with her as the lead singer after several failed attempts to make American Idol, guaranteeing they would never get any gigs

3. Nikki Evans vs. 14. Granny Panty Grande

3. Nikki Evans

Cheated on her husband so many times with coworkers and a Milford cop that it drove him to kill himself

Left him in a house with a loaded gun while he was suicidal

Lost over 100 pounds after her husband paid for her weight loss surgery, but lied and said that she lost it through exercise and dieting

Played Lizzo on repeat at his wake and didn’t dress him in his firefighter’s uniform

Immediately and incessantly used his death to gain sympathy for herself on Facebook, pretending to be a loving wife

Never told her kids that her husband killed himself in order to cover for her role in it

Started going out, getting drunk, and having sex with more men immediately after he died

Claimed that “He did what he had to do, and at the time what he thought what was best for our kids.”

Infiltrated Facebook groups for grieving women who lost loved ones, and constantly tried to turn the attention they were getting back onto her

14. Granny Panty Grande

Caught on film losing her mind on a flight attendant while in the air

Inexplicably removed her pants while yelling in Spanish revealing her granny panties

Told the flight attendant to “come and talk s*** to me, I’m a man, I’ll break your mother,”

Somehow maintains a quiet and normal lie when she’s not in the air as a bank teller at Santander in Methuen

6. Haverhill Plus Sized Pinata vs. 11. King Vagrant & Momma Cheesehog

6. Haverhill Plus Sized Pinata

Was not happy that Donald Trump cut off perpetually unemployed free loaders from receiving food stamps

Posted her displeasure in a Haverhill Facebook group and vowed to kill him for doing so

Is an amateur plus sized IG model who goes by “Chubby Queen” and wears shirts that say “No Honey, You’re Thinner Than Me Not Prettier.”

Smokes Newport lights and uses dog filters extensively

Calls her flat brimmed pubestached boyfriend her “king”

Has been known to be a canner who picks through trash outside grocery stores

11. King Vagrant & Momma Cheesehog

Squatters who never paid rent for over a year and then live streamed their eviction

Moved into a van

Offered $30K government rental voucher to, but only took $10K of it, refused to move out, and made it impossible for the home owners to do necessary repairs to the property

Became upset when no one gave to their GoFundMe, but other people decided to donate to save a dog’s life

Both refuse to seek employment and constantly whine on social media about how mean everyone is to him

Mom posts racist things on Facebook all the time, calling Obama voters “fa**ot” liberal nigro lovers”

Threatened to kill himself in order to send me to jail

Came on the live show from their van, compared themselves to Holocaust victims, and his mother ranted about how we support lesbians

7. Vicky Vicodin vs. 10. Miss Meth Massachusetts

7. Vicky Vicodin

Stole a $15K ring from an elderly woman in a home where her cleaning company was contracted to clean

Ironically her motto on Facebook is, “if you lie, cheat, or steal, GTFO”

Mother of six children with custody of just one

Pictures from her house reveal a human waste pile with random crackpipes lying around

Well known for being a yard sale scammer who sells stolen or broken goods on Facebook

After she was arrested by Bangor Police hundreds of people came forward claiming she stole from them as well

Attempted to profit off of her junkie baby killing friend’s dead baby by selling t-shirts in his honor and using the proceeds to get high

Once attempted to sell donated clothing back to the person who donated the clothes to her because she was so high

Spray painted “baby killer” on her own car and posted about it on Facebook to draw more attention to her t-shirt scam

Was posting for months about her husband impregnating an imaginary 21 year old meth head named Jamie Lynn, claiming that the state had agreed to let her adopt Jamie’s baby despite losing custody of five of her own children

Quite possibly was planning on stealing a baby and needed a back story for it

Made up a name for the imaginary baby (Liam) and repeatedly spelled it wrong despite Google correcting it for her

Claimed that she was staying with her husband despite the infidelity because he has a sex addiction and everyone cheats

10. Miss Meth Massachusetts

Saved money on a hotel room by having sex with her boyfriend in the backseat of his car while parked in a hotel parking lot

When some people walking told her to “get a room” she got out of the car and hacked three of them with a machete, which for some reason she had on her

Guy she was banging was possibly the only junkie who gets high more than her

Mugshot looked like McCaulley Culkin at the end of My Girl

2. Landon Steele vs. 15. Crisco Cris Angel & Lesbo Dog Beheader

2. Landon Steele

Pretends to be a war hero despite seeing limited combat in Iraq

Accused by five women of being abusive and stealing money from them

Constantly poses for hardo military pictures in a failed attempt to become a Facebook celebrity veteran

Claimed he volunteered to go to Haiti to fight drug lords, but in reality his ex-girlfriend just wanted him to get off the couch and stop masturbating 5-6 times a day

Repeatedly lied about what happened in Haiti, including a tall tale about getting in a gun fight with some local gangs, and stole money from the organization that hosted him

Barely eats and is skinny as a rail, compensates by stuffing his chest and ass in order to look like a hardo

Frequently displays a medic vest that appears to be covered in blood that he claims happened in combat, but he really just put paint on it in his ex-girlfriend’s garage

Lied to a woman whose child died and told her for over a decade that he was with her son in an ambulance on the way to the hospital

Used this story to get close with the mother, who he then used for free room and board and a job at a non-profit that he never fulfilled his obligations for

Lied and claims to have fought Somali war pirates

Accidentally shot himself in the face and blamed another veteran

Showed up at a Native American protest at Standing Rock by himself with a dog that was not trained to deal with situations like that

Has abandoned and abused other dogs he has acquired by faking his military service

Uses image of himself as a war hero to move in with women all over the country, bleed them dry, get drunk all day, never pay rent, steal from them, keep loaded guns around their children, verbally abuse them, and then move onto the next victim

Always makes himself the center of attention, posing with a gun in his mouth for an anti-suicide vets campaign

Frequently sought out the media on Memorial and Veteran’s Day and lied to them about his service in order to make himself look like a hero

Lied to the family members of veterans killed in action about being there when they died

Sill has the names of four dead veterans on him at all times, even though he didn’t know any of them, but pretends like they were all close

Pretended to be a skilled medic who could speak Arabic, but was quickly found out to be neither

Said that he was injured in battle and refused to shake Hillary Clinton’s hand when she visited him at the hospital because he was friends with one of the Benghazi guys

Got in trouble while “fighting Somali pirates” after he was caught masturbating all over a room on a vessel stationed outside Sri Lanka, “ When I returned, there was dried cum all over my desk and other areas of the room”

Lives off the $1,500 a month he gets from the taxpayers for his alleged PTSD, despite not seeing any particularly traumatizing combat.

15. Crisco Cris Angel & Lesbo Dog Beheader

Lesbian and a gay dude whose wedding was written about by the South Coast Today because they wanted to save money on a wedding photographer

She was arrested for threatening a woman and suspected of literally beheading the woman’s dog as part of a revenge plot over money

as part of a revenge plot over money Ran a shady kennel that was exposed, leading to widespread state reform of dog kennels

Caught selling heroin in Cape Cod and allowed her girlfriend at the time to take all the blame for her while she walked away with no charges

Also charged with her ex-girlfriend of robbing someone while the dog beheading was still being investigated