Dearest family and friends,

I am looking for a new home for my guinea pig, Puddles. Over the years, some of you may have met Puddles, heard me talk about her, received photos of her via text, or have been asked to board her when I am away at yoga retreats. You also may have browsed online guinea pig boutiques with me to find her some sunglasses and well-fitting athleisure.

I have grown to love Puddles, but I regret to say I can no longer provide the care she deserves. I recently signed a lease on a residence in a high-rise downtown and while the ad explicitly said no pets of any kind were allowed, I thought they would make an exception for Puddles when they saw her Instagram profile, her emotional support animal certification from a psychologist in New Mexico named Gina, and a video clip of an intimate cabaret program that Puddles and I put together last summer.

Despite my advocacy efforts, I have been informed that Puddles is not welcome in this building. I really want to live in a place with a gym and a roof deck in the heart of the city, so I’m turning to you all for help. If you can possibly open your heart and your apartment to a guinea pig in need, please let me know at your earliest convenience, ideally by tomorrow, when I move into my new place.

Caring for Puddles is simple. All you’ll need is an apartment with two bedrooms or more so Puddles has ample room to roam when you’re running errands, working out, and meeting friends for lunch. In my apartment, she lives in a 15-square-foot cage/studio; I’m happy to transfer this property to you. Line it with three layers: newspaper, Turkish cotton towels, and fleece (aesthetically, Puddles seems drawn to soft grays). Top it with plush pillows for lounging. Bedding should be changed daily so she doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

Her twice-daily salad bowls may include a variety of fresh produce, including red- and green-leaf lettuce, peeled and destrung celery, bell pepper slices (you might wish to cut them in the shape of a smile), julienned cucumber, zucchini noodles, and cilantro. Hard, brown pellets and timothy hay will provide additional nutrition and prevent diarrhea.

As you may have known if you follow her on Instagram, Puddles is a long-haired guinea pig, also known as a Sheltie. I recommend shampooing her hair with a sulfate-free shampoo and applying leave-in conditioner once a week to keep it smooth and moist. Please dry her hair with a tiny diffuser to prevent frizz. Puddles’s esthetician, Marie, recommends combing Puddles’s hair and filing her nails daily. Sometimes Puddles resists nail filing, but you can distract her by turning on “The Bachelorette.”

Puddles is not spayed because I didn’t want to subject her to unnecessary trauma as a baby and the procedure costs $400. Also, I didn’t get insurance for her when she was little and now it’s too late to get it because she has several pre-existing conditions that you don’t need to worry about. Because she is not spayed, she might develop ovarian cancer or become pregnant if a male guinea pig sneaks into your apartment overnight. Please make sure your apartment has good security.

All of this is to say that adopting Puddles into your home may be one of the best decisions you will ever make. If you are interested in this opportunity and want to keep being my friend, please fill out the attached adoption application and I will get back to you shortly.

Best,

Kerry (and Puddles)