Week 2 of the college football season brings us 2 of the most highly anticipated matchups of the year, and that’s not even including Tennessee vs. its own fan base. This week is all about the doubleheader of LSU at Texas and Texas A&M at Clemson.

We know that making jokes at your opponent’s expense is as much a part of the fan experience as anything else, and that’s why we want to make it easier for you.

So we’re providing you with all the trash-talking you’ll need to get through game week. Feel free to steal these one-liners and use them on message boards, social media, around your office, or wherever else you might need to. LSU and A&M fans, take notes.

Week 2 Trash Talk: Clemson vs Texas A&M

1. Clemson runs down a hill before every game to symbolize what will happen to the program once Dabo Swinney leaves for Alabama.

2. Dabo is the Mark Zuckerberg of college football, in that he only became successful once he took credit for the work of others (Brent Venables).

3. Trevor Lawrence is the greatest quarterback in college football history … to ever go 13-for-23 for 163 yards and 2 interceptions vs Georgia Tech.

4. If Clemson is a better agricultural school than Texas A&M, then how come its only live mascot is a rock?

5. In the old days, “Clemsoning” meant blowing a game to a vastly inferior opponent. Today, it means begging your alumni base for money to build a slide and an arcade in your team’s locker room.

6. What do Clemson and U2 have in common? They’ve been around for many decades but have only been really good for one of them.

7. Clemson and LSU share the same mascot, stadium nickname, fight song and history of embarrassing losses to Jimbo Fisher.

8. Have you ever been to downtown Clemson, South Carolina? You might miss it, it’s just one Burger King.

9. Clemson fans rush the field after every victory. Some people think it’s a neat tradition.

10. If you’ve never been to Clemson, just imagine if a random rest stop on the side of a quiet highway had an 80,000 seat football stadium. That’s a little bit nicer than what Clemson is.

Week 2 Trash Talk: Texas vs LSU

1. Matthew McConaughey just joined the University of Texas staff to teach a class on film, to be followed by a class from Tom Herman on how to trick the media into ranking you preseason top 10 every year.

2. Texas is the Lone Star state, the lone star representing their one championship in the past 50 years.

3. The best part about Texas is the mixture of cultures, like how the Longhorns combine Big Ten offenses with Big 12 defenses to create Pac-12 results.

4. What disappeared quicker: Texas’ relevance in the 2000s or Vince Young’s NFL career?

5. A Texas home game is about as intimidating as a typical Big-12 defense.

6. Texas is so poor it can only afford one color. This is obviously a joke because, as everyone knows, they spend more than anybody and still have only won a single championship in the past 50 years.

7. The difference between Texas and LSU is that the Longhorns refuse to play Texas A&M whereas LSU refused to stop playing A&M last year.

8. Austin is the only college football town where the actual college football is the worst part.

9. No matter what happens, we know Kevin Durant will claim to be a proud alum of the winning team.

10. And we didn’t forget about this: