We’ve written about a lot of shocking stories here, but perhaps none more confounding as what you’re about to read.

OK, deep breath:

A 23-year-old, who gets his summers off work, is having parties until 6 a.m. in August and failing to properly clean up his trash.

And that’s why we have capital punishment, people.

[Yahoo Sports Fantasy Hockey: Sign up and join a league today!]

The true patriot who brought this story to our attention is Richard Peddie, former CEO of the Toronto Maple Leafs and a man who stands next to a brick wall for his Twitter avatar. At around 6 a.m. on Tuesday morning (when we assume the party ended), he snitched on Dallas Stars center Tyler Seguin, who is in Yorkville this summer and has apparently been having some all-night ragers:

Tyler Seguin now behaving himself? Yorkville neighbours sure don't think so. Lots of loud noisy parties to 6am Lots of garbage left behind — Richard Peddie (@RichardAPeddie) September 1, 2015

Clearly, Seguin needs to be the Zac Efron to Peddie's Seth Rogen and invite him to the kegger.

So here's a former NHL executive, trafficking in idle gossip about an NHL player, knowing full well that this accusation is a match to gasoline when said player was basically run out of Boston for partying like a 21-year-old.

But Peddie isn’t just acting like your great aunt as she clutches her binoculars and calls the police about “those suspicious types across the street”; he’s declaring that a 23-year-old having a 6 a.m. rager is predictive of anything other than that 23 year olds love having 6 a.m. ragers.

“@Sort_Dem_Out: @GlobeKPD @ yes until he's late for last game of season because hungover. Past behaviour best predictor of future behaviour — Richard Peddie (@RichardAPeddie) September 1, 2015

Hey, it’s not like the former CEO of the Maple Leafs would have any reason to tarnish the reputation of Tyler Seguin, a.k.a. the one that got away, right?

Look, it’s hard to give any reformed party boy the benefit of the doubt in a post-Patrick Kane society, but I know 43 year olds that are loud and untidy when they have [expletive] all to do in the dead of summer – and they’re not even multi-millionaires.

So outside of not being able to run for a seat on the neighbourhood board for Bloor Terrace or Yorkville Estates or whatever the hell, this is just Peddie, er, petty gossip.

And with that, we congratulate Tyler Seguin for being the rare player that’s getting run out of Toronto despite never having played for the Leafs.

[Yahoo Sports Fantasy Hockey: Sign up and join a league today!]

MORE FROM YAHOO SPORTS