I’m an Aries.

Loyal and passionate. Apparently we love red.

We’re adventurous. Competitive and impulsive. But for some reason, we’re pegged as bull-headed and impatient. With a fast and fierce temper. So, we also see red.

Ever read your horoscope? Riveting, isn’t it? “No shopping between noon and 1 p.m.” and “on April 22 something will happen.” Read deeper into astrology, and you’ll learn who’s in your “house.” Seriously?

“Jupiter’s in Aries while the moon’s in Scorpio. The stars reside in Aquarius.”

What does that even mean? It may as well read: “Mercury’s in Cancer while Neptune dances in your living room. Leo and Saturn are invading your fridge while Mars is under your bed. Don’t shop until 2 p.m. Sweet dreams.”

And there’s more. Those failed relationships? It’s possible it really wasn’t you. Allegedly, your Zodiac sign can predict best and worst matches, and who you’ll marry and divorce. Maybe that ol’ “hey, baby, what’s your sign” pick up line held some water.

Sorry to sound like an infomercial, but there’s still more!

The Chinese Zodiac Animal can predict do or die for your relationship. The Ox and the Snake. The Dog and the Rat. According to your horoscope, an Aries and Sagittarius match is bliss. But your animal years fight like Dogs and Roosters, or Dragons and Dragons.

But what about that boom-boom in your chest? Should it be silenced by astrology? By strangers writing a thirty-word predictive summary applicable to one-twelfth of the earth’s population? Because online stories or quote boards claim your relationship is doomed?

Maybe you don’t need a chart to know if you’re compatible. The moon and stars won’t help you decide to stay or go. An Ox with a Rooster won’t determine yay or nay. Earth, Air, Water or Fire won’t indicate whether a relationship will crash and burn, or survive and thrive.

Or maybe you should have a heads up. They say love is blind. And when you’ve really fallen, no one catches you until it’s too late. Astrology dates back to 1000 B.C.

It must hold water, right?

Indecisiveness. Typical Aries.