“A transgender manâ€™s sex is male and a transgender womanâ€™s sex is female.”

In their lawsuit against the State of North Carolina,Â the United States Department of Justice laid out one of the clearest definitions for what it means to be transgender Iâ€™ve ever seen.Â

In line 34, they said, â€œTransgender individuals are individuals who have a gender identity that does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. A transgender manâ€™s sex is male and a transgender womanâ€™s sex is female.â€Â

Itâ€™s simple, itâ€™s clear, and itâ€™s accurate. Most people understand the first line – that trans folks are those who were assigned a gender or sex at birth thatâ€™s not accurate. The doctor looked at their genitalia, made a proclamation, and everyone went along with it until the person in question spoke up and said, â€œnot so much.â€

Itâ€™s the second sentence in that definition â€“Â that a transgender manâ€™s sex is male and a transgender womanâ€™s sex is female â€“Â that caught so many folks off guard, including many folks who proudly call themselves allies to the trans community.

This column is directed at them – the folks who, like me, are not transgender (you know, cisgender), but dedicate at least some part of our activism to raising up our trans friends and family. Iâ€™ve got a favor to ask of yâ€™all, and I hope youâ€™ll come along with me here.Â

Weâ€™ve all heard the trope that sex and gender are two different things, right? We may have even used it ourselves when weâ€™re out doing our thing. Weâ€™ve probably also gone so far as to use the phrase â€œgender identity,â€ implicitly inferring that cis people have a gender but trans people have a â€œgender identity.â€

Itâ€™s an easy idea to parrot, but itâ€™s really dangerous and we need to stop. I know, we feel like weâ€™re helping when we can get a fellow cis person to understand what it means to be trans, but in reality, weâ€™re helping spread the false and harmful narrative that trans folks are playing pretend and weâ€™re just humoring them.Â

When we assert the idea that sex and gender are two separate things, weâ€™re perpetuating the myth that someoneâ€™s â€œbiological sexâ€ is real but their gender is just an identity â€“Â a personality theyâ€™re trying on. Weâ€™re saying that, no matter how much someone changes their hair, their clothing, their hormones, or even their bodies â€“Â deep down, theyâ€™ll never truly be who they say they are. Thatâ€™s harmful, and itâ€™s even worse when it comes from those of us who consider ourselves to be allies.

There are some things weâ€™re going to have to re-learn. (Yes, friends, weâ€™ve got to do the work and change our thinking.) A woman who has a penis doesnâ€™t have a â€œmaleâ€ body. She has her body. And since sheâ€™s female, itâ€™s a female body. Itâ€™s a female penis. Same goes for a man who has a vagina, or someone whoâ€™s genderqueer and the genitalia they may or may not have.

Some people choose to have genital reconstruction surgery. Some donâ€™t. Even the thought-to-be-progressive terms â€œsex reassignmentâ€ or â€œgender confirmation surgeryâ€ assume that body parts have inherent genders or that something is wrong with a person that needs to be â€œreassignedâ€ or fixed.

As the DOJ points out, â€œan individualâ€™s â€˜sexâ€™ consists of multiple factorsâ€¦Among those factors are hormones, external genitalia, internal reproductive organs, chromosomes, and gender identity, which is an individualâ€™s internal sense of being male or female.â€ All of those things together are what define our sex. Gender identity is part of that – itâ€™s not a separate concept, and that goes for all of us, both cis and trans.Â

When we, as cis folks, continue to push the sex-isnâ€™t-gender paradigm, weâ€™re undermining our trans family and friendsâ€™ abilities to control their narratives. Every time we use the phrase â€œmale-bodiedâ€ or â€œfemale chromosomesâ€ or any other gendered name for something physiological, weâ€™re claiming a power that does not belong to us. How is it that we all become scientists every time we talk about trans folks? If Iâ€™m not someoneâ€™s doctor, do I really need to concern myself with what types of chromosomes someone has? Does anyone? No, we donâ€™t. (Besides, to repeat it one more time – if someoneâ€™s female, theyâ€™ve got female chromosomes. Simple!)Â

This idea certainly isnâ€™t new â€“Â trans and cis experts have been saying it for years.Â We just havenâ€™t been listening. That needs to stop, like, yesterday. We canâ€™t call ourselves allies if we refuse to listen to and learn from trans people.Â

Allies donâ€™t concern themselves with someoneâ€™s chromosomes or someoneâ€™s genitalia. We focus on someoneâ€™s happiness, safety, and well-being. Weâ€™re here to support our friends and family in whatever it is they need from us – and thatâ€™s different for everyone. Weâ€™re the cheerleaders, the backup dancers, and the step-stool holders. Letâ€™s stop doing damage under the guise of being â€œhelpful.â€

Â

Â

Robbie Medwed is an Atlanta-based LGBT activist. Follow him on Twitter: @rjmedwed

Â

Image byÂ torbakhopperÂ via Flickr and a CC license