Let’s face facts: the Green New Deal is the best thing to ever happen to America. As details of the carefully crafted deal are revealed to us, it is hard not to burst with excitement! Socialist Democrat leaders are spoon feeding the Green New Deal to us in pieces that we can handle: the elimination of cars, trucks, buses and other carbon breathing dragons will all be gone within ten years! Medicare for all is right around the corner; there will be no more waiting for pre-approval from capitalist-pig insurance companies (which are all run by white heterosexual men). This will allow the federal government to approve all of your medical services in advance, as they know best what you actually need.

To get everyone on board with this deal, there are obvious changes that need to be made, not the least of which is “Wall Street” and other hatefully named streets and public squares. “Naming a street, ‘Wall’, is an emblem of Trump bigotry, and it must go!”, shared a source close to the First Term Congresspersons of Color Caucus, who asked not to be named until Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez signed the bill into law, which is anticipated after she has a Self-Care day at a progressive yoga spa.

So, like, for all millennials, Wall Street is a battle in our World War II, it is like our Normandy, if you will. Everyone needs to get comfortable with radical socialism right now. So I will sign a bill after my spin class renaming “Wall Street”, a symbol of hate, intolerance and greed to “Karl Marx Strasse”. ‘Strasse means, like, ‘avenue’ in general European language. Once I sign a bill it is the law. There will be no carbon emissions allowed on Karl Marx Strasse, no cars, buses, subway stations; people will walk or pedal a bicycle like East Germany back in the day. We have also banned food trucks. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Representative AOC further revealed that “Times Square” will be renamed “Blue Square”, and will be remodeled in the likeness of Moscow’s Red Square. “We need to catch up fast!”

The Honorable Representative Ocasio-Cortez is the most ambitious congressperson in history. In her first month after she was inaugurated, she has already signed bills that will eliminate cars and trucks that run on gas with the next few years, created a plan for free health care, food, housing and college for everyone, abolished ICE (until they can prove they observe basic human rights), defined what a living wage is and how it will be paid whether people work or not, and crafted a detailed plan to change the tax code. NPC Daily nearly begged her spokesperson, a quad-sexual person of size, for a hint as to what is coming next. “I can’t say just yet, but maybe a little hint since you have been so supportive”, x/e said with a wink, drawing back a rainbow colored cloth to reveal a model of the pentagon being turned into homes for immigrants. We can hardly wait!