Score: 8.5/10

Handsome strong big fight. Big boys punch hard, feel hard, get hard. Hold me in your strong arms handsome America man. Hold me to your enormous pecs I want to listen to them whisper to me. I love you.

So many men. I wish I could smell them. Here is what I think they smell like

Handsome America: ivory soap, leather, hint of citrus, sometimes motor oil



Metal Man: cologne so expensive I don’t know what it smells like, also motor oil



Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband: dirt, sweat, more dirt, sadness, that sexy armpit smell when you’re fuckin and you get up in that pit, cum, true love



The Catboy: also a cologne that is so expensive I don’t know what it smells like except it’s nicer and more subtle than Metal Man’s, fine linens, the memory of what you dreamed your first kiss would be like



The Bird Man: pure handsomeness, hint of wood and spice, probably also motor oil sometimes



Danger Lady (non man 1 of 2): the prettiest girl at your school whose hair you smelled once and made you realize a lot about yourself in just that one whiff, leather



Archery Dad: a dad (not yours)



Metal Man 2: amber and citrus, definitely more motor oil



Tiny Witch (non man 2 of 2): cloves, hint of incense, leather, magic, drugstore makeup



The Robot: laundry detergent (top shelf), science



Small Man: the van your friend’s older brother had in high school, hint of vanilla



Spider Baby: laundry detergent (cheap), nervous adolescent sweat, please grow up Spider Baby you are a literal child



There is also bad guy men but we all know what they smell like (evil). There is Bad Man who is European and also Big Bone who is American.

Handsome America is my good boy. He loves with all his big handsome American heart. Cry about doing the right thing. Flex while crying. Think about good. Spread his legs and his taint will sing to you “This Land Is Your Land” and mean it so sincerely. Handsome America wants his Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband back so they can sing into each other s mouths like they did in the 1940s. Is their love doomed? Handsome America’s boyfriend is The Bird Man. Fly around the world for love. Handsome America’s first girlfriend is dead and I hold my mom’s hand tight we are so sad.

Big Strong Handsomes too big and strong. They keep destroying. Metal Man and Handsome America argue. See the longing in Metal Man’s eyes. Remember in Avengers movie when it was just them two? No longer. Metal Man and Metal Man 2 unite with Danger Lady and The Robot against Handsome America. Handsome America only trusts the government in his heart that wants to kiss. The United Kiss of Kissing.

Tiny Witch edges The Robot into the hot core of the earth because she’s grounded. I wonder what music she listens to. She dresses goth but I can’t help but feel like she actually really loves Whitney Houston. I love Whitney Houston. All the Avengers love Whitney Houston, especially Big Alien Viking who is not in this movie. I can’t picture her listening to Sisters of Mercy, I’m talking about Tiny Witch again, not Whitney Houston who I can imagine listening to Sisters of Mercy. Tiny Witch probably likes nu metal, but I won’t hold it against her since she probably doesn’t know better.

Anyways Danger Lady warns Handsome America a lot. She does some cool stunts with her motorcycle. The girl from Revenge is also in it. My mom is like “SHE’S FROM REVENGE!” but not out loud because that would be rude to other movie goers. (She told me afterwards at Denny’s.) I already know she is from Revenge because I’m more in touch with this stuff than my mom is, but it is still very exciting since Revenge was a very exciting show.

HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE CATBOY. HE IS SO HANDSOME. HE IS A KING AND HE SCRATCHES PEOPLE HE’S MAD AT AND JUMPS AROUND A LOT. I AM AGAINST MONARCHY AS A FORM OF GOVERNMENT BUT LIKE I SAID BEFORE HE SMELLS REALLY GOOD AND I WOULD LET HIM HOLD ME.

The Catboy mourns his dad. Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband buys plums. He is an innocent boy. He just likes to eat fruit alone in his gross bed. He is so sad. He is arrested for being sad. Everyone is arrested and in trouble, even The Catboy even though he is a king. Maybe they are in trouble for destroying Romania. I think it’s because they are sad. Sad handsomes. :( Handsome SOviet Assassin Husband has Handsome America picture in his journal. I faint. I want them to be together so bad. I clutch my face in the dark. I flex and relax my muscles. They are so handsome and unhappy.

Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband gets brain hacked. He takes the copter. Hansome Amerca says no. He grabs it. He pulls it to him with his muscle arms. His chest is so big. He is so strong and beautiful. I want them to be okay. Metal Man is upset. Boo hoo Metal Man. Kiss Metal Man 2, it will make you feel better.

Metal Man kidnaps Spider Baby. Small Man and Archery Dad fight for Handsome America. Bad Man made The Catboy think Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband killed his dad. They destroy the airport of Europe. Oh backtrack. At one part Handsome America and Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband and The Bird Man (who is also handsome) are in a small car together. Concentrated Handsome. So many muscles in one Volkswagen. Barely contained by tight shirts. So beautiful. I bounce in my seat because I feel desire.

Everyone fights. They fight at the airport. Twelve powerful bodies. Even the Spider Baby is very strong. Handsome America and Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband go to Siberia. They do not kiss even once they are in such a hurry. It hurts. What are they waiting for? (Thank you for your help Danger Lady btw)

Handsome America never stops fighting. He fights for love. He is bleeding out of his handsome face and his beautiful muscles are tired but he keeps fighting. It is beautiful. Everyone is sad. Everyone is sad and strong and full of love their strong bodies can’t contain or understand.

“What is right? What is wrong? How can I be responsible and also this powerful and handsome? Am I too dangerous? Do I love too hard? Are my muscles too good? Can a drop of my sweat bring an angel back from the brink of death? What would happen if we rubbed our bodies together in a way that produced joy? I don’t know what to do. Is it wrong to feel so strongly? Is it wrong to love this much? Is it wrong to fight the bad guys? I punch and feel. I want to be held. I want to feel safe. I am afraid. All I know is longing and conflict and cleverly composed dialogue that shields the truth of my vulnerable heart. Please let me have this. I have been waiting for almost a century to feel whole again.” This is what Handsome America says with his body while he fights and fights and fights.

Can I have joy and love? I ask the movie. Can Handsome America and Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband finally be together? The movie says yes. And then the movie says no. Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband is so sad he can’t even be awake. My smile is forced now. I want to cry. The Catboy will keep Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband safe. Handsome America’s concerned smile is anguished. I want to scream. I want Handsome America to crawl inside the frozen chamber and sleep too. Why can’t they be together? Why can’t Handsome Soviet Assassin Husband go to therapy?

All questions go unanswered, leaving me with nothing but an ache, a longing to lick the anguished tears off of Handsome America’s mighty tits and hold him close. My heart breaks for you Handsome America, my good boy, my sweet strong idealistic lad. I am so sorry for all you have lost.