Heiress Paris, missing for months, has reappeared back in the news, safe and sound, and protesting drunken elephants in India.

Elephants apparently get drunk on farmer's rice beer and rampage local villages. Ms. Hilton thinks that is not such a good idea. Conservationists in India applaud her thoughts and Nobel Prize winner Al Gore, upon hearing of Paris' pathetic pachyderm plight, chimed in with, "Drunken elephants are a major contributor to global warming."

Paris herself said, "I know about being drunk and going on rampages; I did that for years."

It appears that the simple-minded star of Simple Life has latched on to a new globally important cause; arresting elephants for DUI. What do you do with a drunken elephant in India? Same as in Hollywood; levy a fine, give it probation, and send it to rehab!



copyright 2007 Andrew Lawrence