The disastrous effects of the Trump Era are all too real. Americans are reeling in all sorts of insidious if subtle ways. Exhibit A comes to us from Daniel’s Salon in DC’s posh Dupont Circle.

“When you see that much blond hair on the floor, you know something is going on,” says colorist Nicole Butler.

Those straw-colored locks lay there like the shattered hearts of America’s children after the election caused a tsunami of women demanding drastic changes to their hair color, according to a breathless report in New York magazine.

Longtime brunette Julianna Evans recalled storming into the drugstore, where “Literally without thinking, I grabbed the Natural Black box by Garnier. I was like, ‘F— it!’ The election deadened my soul. I think I wanted to do something defiant to feel stronger.”

Hairdressers report an increase in women going to extremes — either black or platinum, anything but brown. (Ugh — Melania’s color!)

Experiencing weight gain? Call it November 8 gain! “Post-Election Blues Are Causing Some People to Gain the ‘Trump 10,’ Say Weight Loss Doctors,” according to a report in People. Ten pounds in less than a month? It’s vital to eat quickly so as to store up fat against the coming wave of food shortages.

Donald Trump has seemingly gained control over every mouth in America, such as those of innocent Minnesota motorists. Thirty-three-year old Elizabeth Lundberg rear-ended another vehicle so hard on Nov. 9 that it smashed into a car ahead of it. When questioned by Lino Lakes, Minn., police, who found an empty bottle of vodka in her purse, Lundberg was unable to spell her name but told cops, “I am upset over the outcome of the election and you should let me go home,” according to the department’s Facebook page. She allegedly blew a 0.33 on a breath test, four times the legal limit. Surely Trump should at least pay her legal costs.

In snowflakeland, also known as college, administrators were bracing themselves for mass dropouts. DeRionne Pollard, the president of Montgomery College and (according to her bio) “an openly gay African-American woman who remains committed to radical inclusion in the post-election era,” wrote an op-ed wondering, “Will students drop out from fear?”

‘Trump bedroom backlash’ may be ‘causing electile dysfunction.’

But the Trump Effect could mean a lot more than a lost diploma. It could cost you your very existence. “Trump’s election stole my desire to look for a partner,” wrote Stephanie Land of Missoula, Montana, in the Washington Post. “There is no room for dating in this place of grief,” she added, having dumped her boyfriend even though he was equally terrified about Trump: “Dating means hope. I’ve lost that hope.”

And, it appears, that lovin’ feelin’. Anecdotal evidence suggests Trump has killed the reproductive urge among progressives, who are notoriously much less fertile than conservatives in the first place. Trump’s election could be an extinction-level event for Democrats.

“I Haven’t Had Sex in Weeks. I Blame Donald Trump,” read an October story in Cosmopolitan by a writer who added, “my vagina never stood a chance this election season.” And that was before Nov. 8!

Last week on ABC’s “The View,” Joy Behar asked, “Have you noticed that your wife is disgusted by the sight of you lately?” and cited a therapist who said women “have lost their sex drive since Trump won.” Behar added that “Trump bedroom backlash” may be “causing electile dysfunction.” That sad, soft sound being heard between the sheets all over America tonight is, “Honey, this never happened to me before . . . Trump was elected.”

So it turns out we have stumbled onto the perfect president, a chief executive you can blame for any problem you may have. Whatever goes wrong in your life, America, it’s The Donald’s fault. #ThanksTrump.