A Hipster’s Month-By-Month Guide to Fetal Development

The First Month

Congratulations! You and Noah had too many gluten-free beers at that music festival and accidentally conceived a child! Right now your baby is the size of the period at the end of the sentence “I raise antibiotic-free, pastured chickens on my roof.”

The Second Month

Noah may be busy as a part-time DJ, but you should find time this month to tell him that you’re pregnant and that you want to keep the baby because motherhood will bring a new perspective to your experimental collage art.

The Third Month

Your baby is now the size of the tag on your reusable hemp grocery bag. If you feel like your eyesight is getting worse, don’t worry—that’s normal during pregnancy. You may decide to get actual prescription lenses for your oversized non-prescription eyeglasses.

The Fourth Month

Your baby can make a fist now. He’s kicking and punching away—already practicing to protest social and economic inequality, greed, corruption, and undue corporate influence everywhere.

The Fifth Month

Look at that baby bump! You’re definitely starting to show this month. Choosing maternity clothes that reflect your own feminine style may mean buying slightly larger men’s flannel shirts at Goodwill.

The Sixth Month

Your baby’s ears have developed. He can hear you play that ukelele.

The Seventh Month

Your baby is swallowing amniotic fluid and tasting the food you eat. He would like you to stop eating kimchi.

The Eighth Month

If you haven’t done so already, check to see if you need a permit from the Parks Department in order to give birth in that field of wildflowers behind the abandoned glass factory in Bushwick.

The Ninth Month

Now is a good time to call your parents and confirm that they will be supporting the baby in addition to investing in Noah’s plan to sell homemade kombucha at the farmers’ market next summer.