Emails from [Management]

Meet Your New Team Member!

Mon 5/20/2017 9:05 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: Filo

Subject: Meet Your New Team Member!

Hello Team,

We are excited to announce that we have a new team member, though it is not a member in a traditional sense. We have finally finished developing our new office-assistant AI, which we have named Filo for no reason in particular. Filo is going to be a huge help and will change the way we all work. It will take some getting used to working under “his” all-seeing eye, but we promise that you’ll come to regard “him” as another member of your work family soon enough.

Sincerely,

Management

Tue 6/6/2017 3:37 PM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: Lunch Breaks

Hello Team,

It has been brought to our attention that some of the team members have been taking long lunches. Of course it’s important to take a break in the middle of the day and have something to eat, but please be mindful of the time you’re spending. Per your employment agreements, lunch is not to exceed more than thirty minutes. Please remember what we discussed in our meeting regarding the very real issue of time theft and how it hurts the company at large. If you are unable to get your food from the cafeteria in a timely manner, please consider bringing in your lunch from home and eating it at your desk.

Sincerely,

Management

Wed 6/14/2017 10:42 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: [HR]

Subject: Health Concerns

Hello Team,

Over the past few weeks, we have noticed an uptick in sick days. While you are entitled to take your PTO any time you see fit, there must still be coverage in the office during all working hours. Many of you are reporting headaches, ringing in the ears (otherwise known as tinnitus), lethargy, nose bleeds, and crippling existential terror. While this may be concerning to some, we have spoken with several well-regarded medical and AI consultants and wish to assure you that these symptoms are merely side-effects as you become acclimated with Filo’s systems. If these symptoms persist, we urge you to schedule an appointment with the company therapist, who is here every Tuesday and Thursday from 2–5 PM.

Sincerely,

Management

Fri 6/30/2017 10:40 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: FY17 Recap - Congrats!!!

Dear Team,

As the fiscal year comes to a close, we thought it would be great to wrap things up with a little recap. This has been a record quarter for us and we’ve beaten projections by over 7%, which means we’ve generated an additional $175,000 in revenue!!!

As a way of saying thank you, we have decided to gift each and every one of you on the team with a company branded tote bag!

Keep up the great work!

Sincerely,

Management

Mon 7/3/2017 8:09 AM

From: Filo

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: [Management]

Subject: _filo_kfnfl_

Hello%20world_nm,adp,

I_sadnakdwopqms_am_njkadnwdajknnk_Filo

Somld0crly,

M4ngmsaddent

Mon 7/3/2017 8:11 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: Filo

Subject: Disregard Previous Memo

Hello Team,

We apologize for the last email. We are still working on bugs in Filo’s system. Apologies for any confusion or inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Management

Mon 7/3/2017 10:00 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: July Birthday Cake in the Break Room

Hello Team,

In order to maximize efficiency, we have decided it would be easier to celebrate all of the July Birthdays with one cake. We will all be taking our lunch breaks from 12–12:30 PM in order to celebrate all of the July babies with cake in the break room.

Sincerely,

Management

Wed 8/16/2017 2:16 PM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: [HR]

Subject: New Working Hours

Hello Team,

After careful consideration, we have decided to adjust the operating hours of the office. As Filo has made things exponentially more efficient, we have decided to go from an 8 hour workday to a 6 hour day, meaning we will start work at 10 AM and leave at 4 PM!

Unfortunately, per your employment agreements, this means many of you will experience a proportional drop in pay, as you are non-exempt hourly employees. We are willing to work with those of you who would like to make up the hours through extra projects in addition to your regular job responsibilities.

Feel free to reach out to us for additional information.

Sincerely,

Management

Fri 9/29/2017 9:48 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: Q1 FY18 Recap- Great Job Everyone!!!

Dear Team,

This has been a big quarter for everyone! We have worked out all of the bugs in Filo and are seeing record levels of efficiency and revenue.

Once again, we have exceeded projections- this time by 25%, totaling in more than an additional $500,000 in profits!!!! WOW!

Everyone should give themselves a hearty pack on the back for this wonderful success.

As a reward for everyone’s hard work, we will be having a pizza party today in the break room from 12–12:30 PM.

Sincerely,

Management

Thu 10/12/2017 1:35 PM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: [Facilities]; [HR]

Subject: Mess in the Kitchen

Hello Team,

We do not want to single anyone out with this memorandum, but someone has been leaving a mess in the kitchen every day this past week — specifically wads of tissues resting in puddles of blood. We ask that if you get nose bleeds to bend over your personal waste basket instead of the kitchen sink, as this is a communal area.

If you are still experiencing symptoms related to the installation of Filo’s systems, we urge you to meet with the company therapist, whose hours are now Tuesdays from 3–4 PM.

Sincerely,

Management

Tue 11/7/2017 11:46 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: Professional Comportment

Hello Team,

It has been recently brought to our attention that many of you have been crying at your desks. We understand that work can be challenging at times, but please be considerate of the other team members when addressing these struggles as it has become a noise issue. If you must cry, please do so quietly in the restroom or in the privacy of your own home.

Sincerely,

Management

Mon 12/11/2017 12:27 PM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: [Facilities]; [HR]

Subject: Graffiti

Hello Team,

We are dismayed and disappointed to report that someone has been vandalizing both the men’s and women’s bathrooms with graffiti. We understand that it is an adjustment to work with Filo, but like it or not he is here to stay as he is now an invaluable team member. It is extremely unprofessional to damage and deface company property and creates additional, unnecessary cleaning costs.

We urge anyone with any information on these vandals to come forward so they may be managed accordingly.

Sincerely,

Management

Fri 12/29/2017 10:02 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: Q2 FY18 Update-WOW!!!!

Dear Team,

The second quarter has come to a close and all we can say is WOW! Filo is working in full swing and has streamlined processes considerably.

We have beat every forecast by a considerable 40%!!!! This means that we have generated nearly ONE MILLION DOLLARS in addition revenue!!!!!!! HOLY COW!

We know that it has been an adjustment working with Filo and that some of his methods may be unorthodox, but you can’t argue with results like these! We thank you for pulling together as a team and setting the bar higher than we have ever seen it set before.

As a small token of our appreciation, each and every one of you has been given an additional 3 hours of PTO to use at your leisure and discretion. Please remember that ALL PTO expires at the end of the year, so be sure to use it before December!!!

Sincerely,

Management

Mon 1/1/2018 2:28 PM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Subject: Literature in the Break Room

Hello Team,

As some of you may already be aware, someone has been distributing communist propaganda in the break room. We strive to create an environment that is beneficial to our employees, working hand in hand with them on a one-on-one basis. In our many years of experience, we have found that unions only slow down the negotiation process. While it may seem like an appealing option for some of you to unionize, it should be noted that the company has invested a considerable amount of time and research into dissecting the cost-benefit analysis of unionization for you and have found that on average you all would actually lose money and benefits. If you are interested in a more in-depth analysis, please look at the attached breakdown.

As always, please feel free to come to us with any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Management

Mon 1/8/2018 9:00 AM

From: [Management]

To: [Team-ALL]

Cc: [HR]

Subject: Moving Forward and Looking Ahead

Hello Team,

It is with a heavy heart that we compose this memorandum. After serious deliberation and in-depth analysis of workflow and efficiency, we have made the choice to shut down this branch.

Find your exit packets attached and please be sure to drop off your surveys to HR along with your work badge and parking pass before you leave today.

It was a true joy working with each and every one of you and this was not an easy decision to make. We are more than happy to write letters of recommendation for any of you, as you were all exemplary team members.

Sincerely,

Management

Mick is on Twitter as @micktheebs and his website is www.alsothat.com.

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