Springdale — A tiny Newfoundland town has made national news for their rejection of a request by high school students to add a rainbow crosswalk — something that has become common across the country as a symbol of inclusion for LGBTQ+ communities.

“Phew, that was close! For a second there I thought we were headed toward some kind of progressive, tolerant society — scary shit!” exclaimed Springdale Mayor Dave Edison. “During the vote I was starting to get nervous…things we tense for a minute, but then, just in the nick of time, that darn crosswalk idea was voted down.”

Edison and town councillors say this is not the first time the town has teetered on the precipice of total moral disaster.

“There was that time we almost hired a gay firefighter, or the time we were being pressured into letting women vote,” said one councillor. “Then there was the time one of our council members — who was promptly dismissed — was caught voicing his support for relaxed immigration policies. Oh, and the time a song with some rather ‘salty’ lyrics somehow made the playlist at the school dance — don’t worry, we managed to shut the whole dance down and suspend all the students who attended.

“We’ve stood strong through all of these dilemmas, and we’re proud to say we’re still staying strong in the face of these three teenagers.”

Another councillor recalled a time he caught his 19-year-old son with a small amount of recreational marijuana.

“I found it in his coat and…I can’t believe I’m admitting this…but for a moment I actually thought, ‘What if I just start a conversation with him about drug use and position myself as a confidant rather than an enemy?'” he recounted, tearing up. “But no-siree-bob — I nipped those dangerous feelings in the bud, as it were, and called the police. Can you imagine the precedent it would have set in our household if I hadn’t gotten the law involved??

“I’m pleased to say my son is serving a jail sentence for possession that will be on his permanent record.”

Mayor Edison said that, despite nationwide criticism for voting against the crosswalk, the town has no plan to change their ways.

“We’ve never been what you’d call broad-minded before, and we don’t see why we should be now,” he said. “If these kids want to support gay and lesbian folks, they can do it privately, in their own minds.

“Otherwise, I mean, just think of the precedent!”