FORT WORTH, TX—Noting that “everything is coming up roses” for the man in a prolonged state of deep unconsciousness, sources reportedly expressed feelings of envy Thursday toward local lucky bastard Peter Marden who gets to be in a coma. “That lucky son of a bitch—I wish I could relax all the time like that,” said area woman Susan Bischoff, sighing longingly after glimpsing her cousin’s reclined, motionless body currently hooked up to a vital signs monitor and feeding tube. “He doesn’t have to work or talk to anybody or open his eyes. Plus, he never has to decide what to eat or even chew. He’s basically on a year-and-a-half vacation where he gets to chill in bed all day while his friends and family bring him balloons and flowers. That fucker gets all the breaks.” At press time, doctors confirmed that the lucky bastard hit the jackpot again and would remain in a coma for at least six months longer than expected.

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