The games children play in schoolyards are famously horrible, if you stop and think about them. Tag, for example, singles out one poor participant, often the slowest child, as the dehumanized “It,” who runs vainly in pursuit of the quicker ones. Capture the Flag is nakedly militaristic.

This is satire, right? There’s no way that this is a real life article that is being published from research done by a college professor. I know times are a changing and we live in a rather soft world, but to say that playing tag “dehumanizes It” and that Capture the Flag is “nakedly militaristic” may be the most absurdly snowflake take I’ve ever heard. This isn’t just a politically correct way to phrase the objectives of these childhood games, this is being so intentionally overly-sensitive that you’ve lost the point. This person is literally trying to find a problem with the world. Regardless, Tag and Capture the Flag are not the biggest culprits here, according to this professor. This is not a War on Tag or a War on Capture The Flag. This is a War on the most disgusting, vile gym class game ever invented: DODGEBALL.

Brrrrr. I get the chills just thinking about the game. I don’t know how we participated in such a repulsive activity three times a week in grade school and still came out as functioning members of society. For those of you that need a quick refresher course on dodegball, here’s how it is described in the report: