FCC Votes to Kill Cute Baby Puppy

Jan 17, 2018

In a surprising move today, the FCC has voted to kill this cute baby puppy.

“It’s actually my daughter’s puppy,” said FCC chairman Ajit Pai. “The puppy's name is Arpa. I wanted to kill it before he became a killer attack dog, with the way I would have raised him. My daughter doesn’t have the heart to think for the future herself. That’s why she needs her father to do it.”

Dog advocates have immediately cried foul. The Humane Society of the United States has issued an official response: “Every puppy has the right to grow up. Just because you will raise it to be bad, doesn’t mean it will be bad. But this is less about the puppy’s intrinsic worth and more about the FCC being in the pockets of the Big Dog Cremation Business. Just follow the paper trail, people. The cremation lobbyists are all over the FCC.”

Mr. Pai is no stranger to controversy. Last month the also FCC killed net neutrality rules. The end of net neutrality opens the doors for Internet service providers to embrace Big Brother tactics, permitting them to blacklist who they don’t like and charge higher prices for fast load times.

The Tilted Glass’s resident conspiratorialist, Alex Shankman, has added “Killing puppies is just a distraction from the new world shadow order. Every since Trump got elected these sensational tactics to distract us have become not the exception but the rule. What have we become as people?”

“Maybe I’m just not a dog guy,” added Ajit Pai, quite defensively. “Did you ever consider that? Maybe if my daughter just bought a cat like I wanted none of this would have happened. We could be making lolcat memes together. Then I wouldn’t have to kill anything. Man, I sure do wish I could have me some more locats somehow. If only there was a place I could find them. Some kind of network. Oh well....”

Ajit Pai then stood up from the interview, wistfully musing the horizon, but suddenly tripped over his laptop power cord, which smashed upon the ground along with his smart phone. And his whole world went black. He blacked out into this deep dark world of silence.