Dear Slim Lee,

During my more gloomy moments I sometimes wonder if anyone actually listens to my lyrics, and whether the enormous amount of work I put into them may in fact go unheeded. So it was with very real gratitude that I read this question, as you had clearly reflected long and hard on the matter. I am very moved, to be honest. On my knees, I thank you (but not in that way).

I didn’t even have to look at the address of this question to know that you were from Melbourne. We Melburnians are warped but meticulous thinkers and, I would tentatively suggest, a step ahead of everyone else. Our minds simply jump the leash and run, unchecked and slavering, where others fear to tread.

It did occur to me one night, as I performed Stagger Lee in full priapic flight, that Stagger Lee does not shoot Billy Dilly with an actual gun at all, but that his being “filled full of lead. Bang! Bang! Bang!” was simply a metaphor for the force of Stag’s ejaculation, and Blixa’s terrifying and inhuman screeching at the end orgasmic in nature. This made me wonder, chillingly at the time, what sleeping with Blixa must be like – something I am sadly unable to elaborate on.

Beyond that, my friend, I have nothing more to add, but if any more theories about my songs work their way into your beautiful mind, perhaps on one of those warm and eerie Melbourne nights, where the fruit bats fly from tree to tree, please do not hesitate to write in and tell me. I would love that.

Love, Nick

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