When I first saw this site pop up in my news feed it made me smile. Sadly not because I own a cape. I do not. I do own a holocaust cloak but really the looks I get on the rare occasion I break that baby out are less entertained and more “hide the children.”

No. The reason it made me smile was because I was reminded of an old college friend of mine. She was an avid geek and gamer, one of the best coders we had on staff, could field strip a gateway blindfolded, and on most Wednesdays would be seen on campus in her Supergirl Cape (or Batwoman if she was in a mood). She was in short, a bad ass. She was also, very often, dismissed.

My college was not what you would call progressive and the staff had a way of making the female portions of the Help Desk feel about two inches tall. There where many times that I would have to back up the answers given by my much more experienced and technically proficient colleagues before a staff member would accept the answer they were given.

You see at the time I was a man. Or at least I wasn’t out as a Transgender Woman.

Either Way, what I experienced then would come back and haunt me years later. When first deciding to transition, I would be lying if I said the memory of meetings where our female head of department was ignored by other staff didn’t pop into mind. This was of course a very small concern for me, no one transitions for the societal perks, but it was a concern. I work primarily in the technology industry and the medical industry, and I knew I was about to make things much more difficult for myself. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. And being honest about who I was wasn’t really an option anymore.

So here I am. On the other side. Not just of Gender, but of the Competence Gap.

The Competence Gap (my own term) is the idea that for men competency is the rule and for women it is the exception. When you are one of the few people who has crossed that gap, let me tell you, it is a jarring experience. Not just jarring, but often infuriating.

I have two real passions that I pursue. One is all things tech/geek, the other is theology. My first real encounter with the Competence Gap came in the field of theology. You see I had grown rather proud of the respect and appreciation my articles and posts would garner in that area. As a male I was shown respect, deference, and was always assumed to have done my research. Imagine my surprise when upon using a more recent Picture of myself all of my arguments suddenly became “Vapid,” or “Badly Researched.” Had I changed? No. Had my opinions, writing style or content changed? No.

What had changed was my profile picture, and with it the assumption of competence.

Now that was the first place I experienced the loss but it was sadly far from the last.

I don’t think I have to explain in too much detail what I faced from the Techy, Gamer, and Geek side of things.

Suddenly, my love for comics had become “Ironic” or “Cute.” When discussing issues of canon, I was dismissed outright. When giving opinions on storylines, I was “just trying to act like I liked comics to pick up guys.” When I fought back the vitriol increased exponentially.

I wasn’t a “real geek.”

In games, now using my female voice, I was a whore, and much, much worse. I was camped, heckled, and generally demeaned.

In the Tech world people who used to come to me for advice now tried to teach me the basics. I was being given lessons from the people I taught.

I lost friends. Their reason, “I was just pretending to like this stuff before.”

I was furious.

Then.

Then I was sad.

Because I came to realize that this isn’t about me. I experienced this Gap as a shock because I had traversed it.

I hadn’t lived it all my life. In a way I was a woman singularly blessed. I hadn’t grown up under the pressure to “prove myself geek.” I hadn’t had to force my way into computer programs or scream over other students just to be heard. Strangely I was an insider who now had to pay her dues. Because of that I realize the dues aren’t fair. They really aren’t.

And this is part of what feminism means to me. This is part of what being a sci-fi chick means to me. We look forward. We imagine a different world. One that is better, more egalitarian. Because, I have been on the other side and while the grass is definitely greener it’s also pretty boring over there. We have something to offer. Something more. Something better. Something Bigger.

We make things better just by being here. By not letting people shout over us. By liking what we like and not making apologies for it. Be You. Be Proud of it, and Be You.

Even though sometimes it’s hurtful, as the Mother of a Young Daughter, and the mentor to other young women like me, anything we can do to make it easier for them as they move forward is worth the push back from certain stubborn sectors of our communities. We can do this.

It’s time to stop minding the gap. It’s time to start mending it.

Alaina Kailyn has descended from on high to grace mortals with her beneficent rule, humble above all else she spends her time flitting between hobbies from archery to RPG’s to messing up her damn nail polish again. Make Obeisance to @AlainaKailyn on Twitter.