Getty Images/ Jose Luis Pelaez Inc

Oh hey, old friend.

It’s so good to hear from you. I can’t believe it’s been, what, ten years? Fifteen? It feels like just yesterday we were sharing a bathroom mirror, and painting on smoky eyeliner for a night out in some college town club.

Do you remember the time we tried to share a stall in the women’s bathroom, but ended up stuck? We had to crawl out from under the door and your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend was right there watching?

OMG. Those were the days, weren’t they?

So how are things? Good? Kids grow up so quick, don’t they? We finally got ours out of those expensive freaking diapers this year. Guess we can finally start paying off our student loans, amiright? Ha!

Oooooh. You have found a new path to financial freedom that you couldn’t wait to tell me about? You just discovered this life-changing company and product and since the conversation was already taking this direction, you’d like to tell me more?

Awww, hell. I’m going to have to stop you right there.

Here’s the thing….I love you. I’m glad you reached out, and we got to chat. But there is literally nothing on this planet that will convince me to be a part of your pyramid sche—I mean, ahem, MLM “journey.”

I don’t care if you have leggings that’ll make my thighs feel like they were smothered in Country Crock. I don’t care if your energy shakes can get my ass off the couch and across the NYC Marathon’s finish line in three months’ flat. And as much as I love surprises, I’m not really in the mood to crack open an oyster on Facebook live, so….I’m guessing that pretty much covers it?

But wait—don’t go! It’s been so long since we’ve talked, and I’m not mad at you for reaching out. On the contrary, I am happy that you’ve found something that excites you this much. I may have come across as abrupt about the whole MLM thing, but I promise…it isn’t you.

It’s 100% me.

You see, I simply can’t support the model of the company you are selling. And if I’m being honest, it sounds like they’ve suckered one more person that I love, and the whole thing just pisses me off. It’s not that I don’t want to support you. Hell, if I could pay you to turn and run away, right now, I’d do it.

But I’m guessing you are in a little deeper than that?

That’s just it. I know enough about MLMs to figure that you bought into this whole thing–oysters, shakes, leggings, it doesn’t matter—believing it was your big chance. Was it at a party? A conference? A long-lost friend who reached out? I’m guessing they used a bunch of buzzy phrases, about finding your “why” and becoming a “mompreneur.” You were swept up in the exciting rahrah-ness of it all, and before you knew it, you were on the way to becoming a bonafide #BossBabe.

It all sounded too good to be true, didn’t it?

I bet.

Well, this is awkward, but somebody needs to tell you…it sounded to good to be true because it was too good to be true.

It doesn’t matter which company you jumped into bed with, if you are hitting me up on Facebook to sell something, I can safely bet it’s an MLM structured sales organization. And well, the hard statistics aren’t looking good for you. According to the FTC, 99% of people who sign up for any MLM program will lose money. That’s a fact.

And I know that you are a special badass unicorn (I mean, hello–we are friends for a reason), but let’s be real: those numbers suck.

Like, really suck.

Even if you think you are the 1 out of 100 who will make a profit (we are talking $1 and up)…do you really want to sign 100 of your friends up with those odds?

Oh, really? You do?

Well then, I guess this is where we part ways for a while. We have the greatest memories between us, and in the off chance (99%, approximately) that your business situation doesn’t shake out, I hope you’ll reach out again soon.

Because really, your kids are adorable and you are an awesome human being.

I would love to stay in touch, as long as that doesn’t mean I have to try a three pack of skinny wraps for the low, low price of $15.99.