Pre-game — 5:20pm CST

I tuned in and apparently missed the Anthem and God Bless America, so I didn’t miss anything.

Kickoff time, Dan.

5:27pm

New trailer for Jurassic World. I was/am a huge Jurassic Park fan. I shamelessly saw it—and Jeff Goldblum’s hands—in 3D. When I was a kid, my mom got me a present for undergoing a tonsilectomy. It was a Dilophosaurus Jurassic Park toy. I have very little hope that this will be as good or as groundbreaking as the original, but at least it looks like Chris Pratt knows how to deliver cheesy one-liners.

We’re back at Super Bow….wait what??? Blackout! Keep watching in your Chevy Colorado with built-in 4G LTE. Would have been perfect during last year’s legitimate blackout. Oh cool the idea’s ruined by boilerplate auto commercial footage (but semi-saved with AC/DC’s Back in Black riff).

Mom is a terrible driver. No shit because it’s Lindsay Lohan. She’s #sorta like mom. Don’t pay for insurance for people sorta like yourself. Esurance.

5:37pm

There’s a woman who looks like Kate Hudson with 2 prosthetic legs doing all kinds of inspiring things that might have seemed impossible while being voiced-over with a (famous?) Muhammad Ali speech. This is for the “bold” new Toyota Camry. I don’t….I don’t even know, so I’ll turn to Twitter for an explanation:

BASTAN TEA PAATY. No taxation without rep… the Red Coats are here! Somehow taxes are OK as long as you can file them for free. The subject matter is terrible, so I give Turbo Tax a pass. It wasn’t bad.

5:42pm

Kate Middleton in a hot tub for Game of War (ED. NOTE: Kate Upton. Trying to keep up with the ads while eating nachos clouds your ability to distinguish a classy princess over a buxom blonde). NOTHING DEFLATED IN THIS AD! This is our first “old” commercial to air. It may not be identical, but ads like this have already aired for this shitty game. However, I’d wager that downloads for this game spiked in parallel with erections at Super Bowl parties across the country.

Movie trailer for Tomorrowland. George Clooney is in it so that’s something.

In 1994, the Today show talked about the Internet. Shit, I had no idea e-mail was around in 1994—I was 9 years old. Katie Couric looked more like a girlfriend on Seinfeld. 21 years later, Couric & Gumbel are talking about the new BMW i3. Actually a clever ad that was as informative as it was entertaining. Then Gumbel asks Couric if she can twerk.

5:53pm

Despicable Me things are football fans. Oh it’s a custom-made trailer for Minions.

Danny Trejo is part of the Brady Bunch. EYE FOR AN EYE. He’s Marcia. Buscemi with a cameo as Jan. Solid, Forrest Gump-esque way to extend the Snicker Satisfies/You’re Not You campaign.

Am I Hyped for the Pepsi Halftime? Just the cans.

NBC TV ads.

5:58pm

Old guy speaking about the ocean. Spotted a cruise ship, so this is for a cruise. Why am I dedicated to the sea? Come back to the sea…because we know the whole stranded-on-a-cruise-ship-with-the-shits thing scared you away. Already the 2nd spot with the “classic speech voice-over” thing and we’ve only finished the 1st quarter (which was really fast).

Skittles. Two trashy guys fighting over the last lemon Skittle. Gotta settle it “the usual way” which is arm-wrestling. Everyone in town, including babies and dogs, have massively disproprtioned right arms. Perfectly fine for Skittles’ Strange The Rainbow. Taste the Rainbow. campaign.

Stupid ad for a Lexus SUV. Might be a re-run. Waste of money.

T-Mobile and Kim Kardashian for Data Stash. I’m not sure what I hate most about this ad. It’s supposed to be a parody, but it really isn’t. People take selfies at funerals, hostage situations and suicide attempts. There was the (thankfully failed) show called Selfie. We’re all just self-absorbed egomaniacs looking for our next like/favorite/retweet high. See more Kim at KimDataStash.com … No. We’ve already been seeing too much Kim for far too long.

2nd Quarter—6:02pm

Budweiser. Is that Fun covering the Proclaimers? This dog is incredibly adorable. Oh shit there’s a wolf! Saved by the Clydesdales. Budweiser should start selling bottled tears.

Mindy Kaling is invisible? Rocking out with Van Halen. Tries to kiss Matt Damon only to find out she’s not invisible. Nationwide: join the nation that sees you as a priority. I like that pay-off.

ARNOLD IS BACK and he looks old as fuck. Holy shit does he have to fight his old Terminator self??? Terminator Genisys (spelled like a true million-dollar app) trailer.

More NBC TV ads.

6:12pm

Bunch of internet bullying / troll stuff on screen, so I’m guessing this is an anti-troll ad. Guy spills Coke all over the “internet server.” Someone find him a new job. Probably going to flood all the trolls with happiness. Yep. That’s what happened. Not bad.

The “First Draft Ever”. Love Doug Flutie and Jerry Rice’s commentary. Brazil selects the Sloth: “Off the field issues. Not a locker room guy.” Dodo bird drops dead after the trade (must have been a Matt Millen pick). Mexico selects the Avocado. Great spot. Early favorite. Needed more Flutie/Rice.

More TV ads.

6:15pm

Movie trailer for FURIOUS 7. Who watches these movies? RIP.

What makes a man stronger? Showing a bunch of dads caring for kids. Dove Men + Care. This new angle on fathers has been coined “DADvertising”.

More NBC ads.

6:20pm

Guy has an empty seat next to him on the plane & doesn’t want to give it up. BEEN THERE! Doing everything he can to make sure no one sits there (lol reading the IBS book) until the hot girl shows up. He whips out the Doreets to get her to sit next to him, but she ends up being a MILF with a baby strapped to her chest. Funny.

Cats in the Cradle playing. Kid wants to be like his dad—a Nissan race car driver. Gets into a huge accident but is safe. Never sees his kid until he drives him to college? #withdad is the obligatory hashtag.

6:25pm

Kid on a big wheel, but will never learn to ride a bike. He’ll never do this and that and this and that because HE’LL NEVER GROW UP SINCE HE DIED IN A HOME ACCIDENT. WTF NATIONWIDE.

Need to eat my way out of the depression that commercial just put me in. Wanna get baked? Yep! OHHH FUCK! Weight Watchers is saying I’m addicted to food drugs.

WeatherTech USA #1 100%!!!

6:34pm (SPOOOONMAAAN)

McDonald’s now accepting a new form of payment: Lovin’ … Dance in the store. Raise the roof. Call up your mom and tell her you love her. I want to see what happens when someone says “My mom died in a hang-gliding accident 2 months ago.”

WALTER WHITE. SAY MY NAME. He’s #sorta Greg for Esurance. Now that was awesome. SPOILER ALERT: Does this mean he’s alive???

6:38pm

Old Italian dude about to get it on with that GILF but needs to juice up. Drops his last pill out the window and it flies around the city until it lands in the Fiat’s gas tank. Bigger, more powerful and ready for action.

Here’s GoDaddy with a backup spot after nobody liked their Puppy Selling ad, and it shows. GoDaddy sucks, yet I bought my domain through them, so yeah.

Discover card still treats you like you’d treat you.

Bigger NBC TV ad for the Blacklist. They’re selling the shit out of this thing. James Spader was awesome as Robert California in The Office.

6:48pm

What can you do? Little kid struggles to walk on prosthetic legs. 2nd prosthetic spot of the night. Microsoft showing how empowers us all. Not as good as last year. I think i’d rather have prosthetic legs than prosthetic arms.

OOOOOOOOWWWWWWMMMMMMMMM. THE DUDE Jeff Bridges lulling you to sleep. DreamingWithJeff.com. Somehow an ad for Squarespace. That’s the $4.5 million risk you take when you don’t pay off the ad during the ad.

Halftime—7:01pm

911 call. Lady pretending to order a pizza. Heard this call before so I knew it was the NFL’s domestic abuse awareness ad. Chillingly set to a house in disarray. Better than goof troop Eli telling us NO MORE.

Local ads: Luck Health Plan, Xfinity, Honda, Northwestern Medicine

Don Cheadle getting ready for a #SuperBowlRally. Is this a local spot?

7:07pm

More DADvertising. Being a dad is all about making choices: to get hurt, to be there, to stay out late with the guys, to kick your daughter’s boyfriend’s ass. Being a dad is more than being a father. Toyota Camry again. STRIKE TWO. This car is not fucking bold, nor is being a dad bold. It’s normal. It’s a normal fucking car for normal fucking people.

Pitch Perfect 2 trailer actually made me laugh, except:

NBC TV ad for the Today show.

7:10pm

NBC TV ad: A.D. The bible continues

Pepsi’s halftime show is apparently an alien mothership that sucks everyone up into it. Katy Perry’s got the eye of the tiger but rode out on a lion.

Apparently NFL Memes on Facebook made the same joke 10 minutes later and got way more play.

Really annoys me that this is all lip-synced OOO LOOOKIT dancing beach balls, sharks and palm trees!

Missy Elliott is out now. Twitter seems to be a lot more excited about this than I am. Katy wraps up the show riding on a familiar looking star:

I nailed it.

7:25pm

Always — Like a Girl. Campaign debuted online a while ago but this is still a great spot.

Geico—Push it rerun. Maybe push up your ad budget a smidge?

Pete Rose is selling Skechers but I admit I paid zero attention to this one.

7:28pm

NBC TV ad for The Voice. The judges are in some kind of battle arena. If only they’d actually fight to the death…

Local ads(?): American Family Insurance, Equador. Jennifer Hudson was in the insurance one so maybe not.

Britney Spears for #SuperBowlRally now. Must be building up to something.

3rd Quarter—7:37pm

Clash of Clans. Apparently making shitty mobile games is where the money’s at folks. Oh shit Liam Neeson is going full TAKEN on his opponent. Scone for Lyam? It’s LIAM. AngryNeeson52. That was better than I thought it’d be.

Sprint Super Apology. I work on Sprint (not this spot) so I plead the 5th.

Another Lexus spot. RC car is shown drifting a bunch and then the real first-ever RC 350 does the same thing. Get it? RC? Better than that shitty SUV ad from earlier.

7:40pm

What can you do (again)? Microsoft ad apparently for people of color this time. Estella’s Brilliant Bus actually a great idea. Common: Good in Hell on Wheels. Bad at voice-over work.

Old people telling us what they’ve learned over the years. DON’T BITCH. Live fast. You learn a lot in 100 years, here’s to the next 100. Dodge. Born 1914. Another solid Super Bowl hit for Chrysler.

7:54pm

Pierce “Remember When I Was James Bond?” Brosnan being pitched a role. Pierce assumes a bunch of action clichés but it’s for family-friendly Kia. The “Perfect Getaway” Vehicle. Good word play. Solid auto spot.

And then we’re treated to this:

Now a bunch of NFL fans are ready for #SuperBowlRally.

More NBC TV ads.

7:57pm

Wi-Fi Calling with T-Mobile. Here’s Silverman & Chandler trying to one-up each other. 1000000x better than Kardashian.

Budweiser is proudly a Macro Beer. Words slamming to drum beats. I’ll take it. Better to own what you are instead of trying to be something you aren’t.

Another NBC Blacklist ad. Really getting desperate.

8:03pm

Singing “This Land Is Your Land” with clips of the actual places. Land Rover driving through oooooooooooops nope it’s Jeep. The World is a Gift. Play Responsibly. Eh. (Twitter would later say that it’s a rip off of the North Face?)

NBC Ad for SNL 40. That HAS TO be good.

4th Quarter—8:10pm

Another #SuperBowlRally spot? OOOOOOOOOOOOOO Fans cheering, banging on everything. KEYBOARD CAT. Together, we make football. Lame payoff but good spot.

Local ads: Redd’s Apple Ale, Advocate Health Care, Jimmy Johns, Smith & Forge Hard Cider

8:17pm

Ted 2 trailer. First one was surprisingly hilarious. Tom Brady tests his acting chops.

The world is going to shit. Dogs walking dudes. Penguins flying. God is not-Morgan-Freeman and his battery is dead so he can’t run the world. When your battery is dead, God knows what can happen. “Gosh darnit” was a nice small detail.

Loctite Jamaican jammin’ with a bunch of people wearing fanny packs. OK? They’re throwing up a Hail Mary.

Elizabeth Hurley (still hot) for The Royals on E!

8:28pm

Bud Light is still Up for Whatever. Guy gets pulled into a real-life game of Pacman. Looks like it’d actually be a lot of fun. Wonder how many fat, out-of-shape people they had to pass on before a fit person finally walked through the door and chose a Bud Light.

NBC TV ad for The Odyssey.

8:31pm

Tortoise vs. the Hare in terrible CGI. Slow and Steady my ass. Tortoise gets into a slick Mercedes and wins. The AMG GT — It’s no fairy tale.

NBC TV ad for The Slap. No idea what that show is but could have replaced a few Blacklist ads with that since it looks a hell of a lot more interesting.

8:36pm

50 Shades of Penis errrrr Grey trailer. Apparently there’s a guy in Michigan trying to petition to have it removed from theaters. Guys: try treating it as your lady’s gateway drug to your PornHub account.

Doritos on the farm. Kid can have a Dorito when pigs fly. So the kid makes a rocket pig. Too bland for the bold flavor that Doritos represent.

ANOTHER BLACKLIST AD. I’m going to Blacklist this channel.

8:50pm

Brett Favre and T.O. for Wix.com:

Victoria’s Secret spot. Move along nothing to see here.

ANOTHER shitty mobile game gets a terrible Super Bowl spot: Heroes Charge.

NBC TV ad.

Post-game—9:09pm

Nick Offerman decked out in the Stars and Stripes with a bit of a country rhyme about NASCAR. I should have immediately liked this, but it felt way too forced and it was for NASCAR.

Where was Carl’s Jr??? (ED. NOTE: I learned today that it was West Coast only).