Despite repeated advice from his campaign managers to at least “rub a little booty,” Senator Bernie Sanders declined to heed their wisdom. “It has become clear that by making exactly zero percent of women and young girls uncomfortable around me, that I simply cannot become the Democratic nominee, yet alone the President in this climate,” Sanders told his supporters from a respectful distance. “I apologize for not giving the voters what they wanted, but I promise to continue my work of being an upstanding citizen, a fierce defender of the people, and an absolute ball of righteous indignation.”

By Emily Sanchez

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