Putting this here because it’s the only place I can. I want to die. And I hate the fact that death scares me so much that it prevents me from trying. 100 million years of self preservation in full effect and I wish it had an off-switch. I’m 35 and on tumblr which alone is reason enough to want to be dead because clearly I have nothing better to do with my life. I’m alone and worn out and I’m sick of life. I remember being a child being told of the utopian paradise the future would be. Here I am living in it. It’s a fucking hell hole where people look for ways to hate each other on a daily basis. Where ignorance is rewarded if it’s virtue signaled enough times. And a world really only for the young and beautiful or the intolerably vapid who people find cute for some reason. It’s just a world where if you’re not in the “in” crowd you’re fucked. Everything is just harder if you don’t fit in. But for me it’s always been hard. No one has ever wanted to be my friend or date me unless they were fucked up in the head and no one else wanted to be around them. I gave in when I was younger to them and it was hell. They ended up in jail, or rehab for drug problems (like heroin) they were doing behind my back and sent to house arrest with their parents who lived in other states so they were just suddenly gone, or they drank themselves to death or committed suicide. I walked away from all that and tried to make friends with normal people but they want nothing to do with me. I’m not one of them and never will be. Family is gone. My father is dead from cancer which was horrible and still gives me nightmares. He ended up paralyzed by the end so I had to hold his head in one hand and a bucket for him to puke blood into the other which could take up to an hour for him to be done and given his condition I couldn’t leave the whole time. My mother is just insane. She got pets but won’t take care of them. So the house to covered in piss and shit. No one comes over. But she’s decorating the house and buying fancy dishes and shit for guests who are literally never coming! A few times she’s had all the pots and pans and cups on the kitchen floor, cat hair in them and shit and she puts them away without cleaning them thinking nothing of it. I mean lights on nobody home and it’s staying that way. Myself I work a physically demanding job that I’ve come to hate but there’s nothing else for 100 miles I’m suited for. I have no degrees. I can’t get another job. My back, neck and shoulders hurt so much I just pop pills around the clock and take sleeping pills on a daily basis at this point to get comfortable enough to sleep. I feel like shit all day, every day. Sometimes the pills make me ill but I work 6 days a week a lot so I just have to grin and bare it. I tried taking matters into my own hands. I began looking into making YouTube videos and try to make some money to help me out that way. Since October when I was going to start this my computer died. I got a new one from a friend who had a cheap spare. However the internet was down where I live for the whole month of November. Internet works in December make a few videos finished editing them about to upload and the new computer dies. The second in 3 months. It just goes with the theme of my life. Don’t try because it’s only doomed to failure and everything is going to die a horrible death or be not for me. Every part of my life is ugly. Every part of life outside of me is equally as ugly. I’m sure there are plenty of people who would read this and think up reasons why I deserve this kind of life or tell me I have white male privilege or I’m a whiny bitch or some reason to continue the cycle of hatred in the world. Or at best a captain obvious reply of “that sucks.” To which i say no fucking shit. And to the other stupid not even attempting to think reply: No! Actually other than people trying to use me, no one will ever miss me if I die because all the people who would are already dead. Sometimes there really isn’t a reason to go on. I just wish I could get over my aversion to dying.