Guy Proud to Not Own TV Looks Real Fucking Stupid Now

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Wendell Slacks, who has consistently boasted throughout the years about how proud he is to not own a TV, looks “pretty fucking stupid right about now,” satisfied friends and family confirmed.

“I’ve always thought it was just better to go outside — you know, go swimming, hiking, boating, parasailing — anything but just sitting around, staring at the ‘boob tube,’ as I call it,” preached an unsettlingly confident Slacks. “Of course, I can’t do any of that right now, but still, I think it’s important for people to know that I, personally, think watching TV and playing video games is a huge waste of time. I mean, there’s a whole big world out there for you to enjoy at an unknown point in the future.”

Slacks’ “distraction-free” lifestyle means he lives without a television, computer, gaming system, phone, tablet, or palm pilot, much to the chagrin of those around him.

“I have to literally hide in the doghouse if I want to watch Netflix,” complained Mikhail Kevdev, Slacks’ exasperated boyfriend. “The whole situation seems literally inhumane. And I don’t mind spending time with Dr. Butterbelly, but sometimes he doesn’t like what I’m watching. And besides, Wendell should be able to recognize that there’s a time and place for everything… and now is not the time to go rock climbing or explore a cave system. Now is the time to binge watch ‘Cake Boss’ and play ‘Resident Evil’ till our eyeballs turn to salt.”

While fresh air, sunlight, and human contact can typically contribute to physical and emotional wellness, experts agree that all that shit can wait for the time being.

“While limiting screen time is beneficial to one’s health, Wendell is royally fucked right now,” explained Martha Koenigsburg, a sociologist and ardent detractor of Slacks. “He’s always shitting on people for ‘not enjoying life enough’ and encouraging people to just ‘put the phones down and enjoy what’s around you.’ Well, what’s around you now, Wendell? Four motherfucking walls covered in tacky art! While everyone else is having fun talking about ‘Tiger King,’ he’s sitting around jerking it to shitty, old books. Fuck off, loser.”

At press time, Slacks was writing a letter to a penpal in New York who died last week due to complications from COVID-19.