‘A dictatorship is what the people want’ insists Boris

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has decided that all his people want is a totalitarian government because a regular vanilla democracy that can be openly scrutinised by the independent media and held accountable to the people, is dull as fuck, it has emerged.

Johnson said, “The people have spoken. They didn’t want Uncle Vanya’s vegan gardener taking all their money and moving into their spare room. Not even half of the population overwhelmingly voted for me to be leader and therefore, it is clear that they now want me to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

“So, that means they want me to crush dissent, ensure my advisers dial up the menace and for me to buy a ridiculously big table and a large shark tank, like all decent movie villains.

“I’m already well on the way. I have two bald ones that look like they were procured straight from the gaunt henchman factory, and they are already banning journalists that have been mean to me.

“Pummelling the media and creating a ‘them and us’ narrative is always the first step in the insidious dictatorship playbook. Ask the orange fella or the topless horse-riding cossack at work.

“So, what’s next? A garish uniform for the new Grand Emperor Boris de Pfefell Johnson, maybe? Plundering the country’s natural resources is often a thing, isn’t it?

“Yeah, I’m not sure running Greggs is the same as owning a diamond mine.

“Anyway, Cheerio. I’m just off to check how the new dungeons are coming along. You know, for when my paranoia really kicks in and I start arresting members of the cabinet and my own family.”