Getting a Job in Fourteen Easy Steps



Everybody thinks you've got it made. Mom picks up the tab for rent, utilities and Clearisil. Dad busts his hump welding A-bomb casings, so it's free salisbury steak until you drop out of college. Technically you could "live" without doing anything, but that doesn't mean being fifteen is on the house. If you don't get a job, you can kiss those new BMX handlegrips goodbye!

STEP ONE: CALL IN YOUR FAVORS

Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 14:47:55 -0700

From: Exile1mil2@aol.com

Dear Rob Schrab or whom it may concern, I've got a not so tiny favor to ask. You may have heard my name a couple of times or so in the past. I got my heavy 3po signed by u when u were in phoenix at Atomic Comics. I also recently ordered two scud shirts.. Now's the big favor, and I know that it probably wont be given. My friend and I love Scud.. It's our favorite comic out there. My friend doesn't even read comics and he loves it. We heard about the upcoming Tales of the Vending Machine series. And we were wondering if u would let us write (not draw) an issue. We wouldn't even want any money for it, our names on a scud comic is reward enough for us. We would also give u complete control over the story. For example, if u dont like the fact that so and so shoots so and so, or perhaps the entire story arc, u could change it completely. Please give us a chance!!! Just let us mail u our story!!! If u dont like it then u can toss it. Also, I may warn u that we are kinda young and are still in high school, but we aren't asking for jobs or anything, just something we thought would be awesome to do. If u need to talk to us u can e-mail me through here. My bud's e-mail adress is [withheld]. If u want to actually talk to me, please e-mail me back first, so I know that my number wont be posted all over america (not that anyone cares).

Thank you for ur time,

[name withheld]

Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 14:47:55 -0700

From: Dan Harmon

To: <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

Your age is not a concern to us. One of the upcoming issues of TFTVM is being written by the very young, and very talented Josh Mason, who simply mailed us a story outline that we thought would be cool.

Just do the same. I'm pasting the rough "guidelines" for writing a TFTVM below.

Good luck!

Now you've gotten guidelines, those will help tell you what to do. For instance, in this scenario, the guidelines tell you to keep the story very simple and to mail it to a specific address. A specific street address.

STEP TWO: IGNORE THE GUIDELINES

Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 15:11:16 -0400 (EDT)

From:Exile1mil2@aol.com



Hey Dan! Muchos thanx for the reply. I have figured out the entire comic and am currently going as deep into it as possible, such as figuring out what i want in each page. Before I go any deeper I just wanted to e-mail u with the overall plot, its not too deep. However, it is kinda fun, and recalls the grittites. The characters are really in depth, and offer some really awesome villains. So here goes:

In a forest there is a building with trees bursting out of the roof. This building is a deadly toboggan factory. Only thing is its not regular toboggans they are making. In the future all tobogans have been called back for service in the military, and all toboganns have guns. Really awesome guns. The toboggan offers some really funny stuff that you guys can portray in the backround of your panels, such as like different models of toboggans, like the Cheezewiz2000, or whatever. Oh yeah and they carve the toboggans out of trees in the center of the building, seeing how the building lays in the middle of a forest. I've got sketches and stuff. See, some renegade grittites have decided that the rough life has become too rough for them and they have been supressing their anger and have joined the industry, so the factory is run entirely by grittites. This offers some awesome scenes too, since the nice gritties have become emotionally unstable because their supressing their anger. Because of this, the entire management is kinda stressed out, always feeling that their gonna die. Kind of a paranoia schizofrenia feeling. Like I said this offers some funny stuff, like all speech is being yelled, and all word bubbles are with zig-zaggy outlines.

Any way, because the military doesnt like emotionally unstable managemtent making their machines o' destruction, they hire a killer. This killer is our main bad guy. I'll go into his history and how he acts and stuff if u guys awnt me to later. Anyways, the guy kills the president of the industry, and the vice president, Corp. Buttkisr decides to hire a scud to kill the killer.



Well, thats the overall plot. I know its kinda long, but a lot of it can be said in about 5 sentences, and depicted in like two panels. I just decided to give you guys some backround stuff too. if u dont like this i understand completely. Again, I would like to say that if u like portions of this, then keep in touch because this is still ur project and I will gladly change alot of this if needed. if u guys like the story, e-mail me again with your number or sumthin, cuz alot of this I really like to edit this without waiting about three days for replies. Thanx. If u dont feel comfortable with giving out ur phone number, then give me an e-mail so I know I can give u mine. Anyways, i have about five pages worth of fight scenes and sketches and stuff. Kinda short , yet in depth. Anyways, see ya later. bye

[name withheld]

Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 18:02:33 -0700

From: Dan Harmon

To: Exile1mil2@aol.com

Thank you for submitting your idea. I read it to Rob, and at this point, we've decided to not go forward with it. Sorry to disappoint you, and good luck with your stuff.

Dan Harmon

As you can see, the second step involves being rejected. Don't let it phase you. There's twelve steps left!

STEP THREE: BLAME YOUR PARTNER

Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 18:46:19 -0400 (EDT)

From: Exile1mil2@aol.com

To: Dan Harmon

There may have been some confusion to my last letter, stating the story of the comic. I'm sorry to tell you that this was not a letter I sent, but a letter David Bonelli, the co-writer, sent. He was over at my house, and I left the room and he sent it. Espionage at its best. Anyways, I have decided to eject him from the story and decided to mail you this letter. My original story was the simple chase between scud and a mad bomber, who was planning to blow up the worlds largest oil reserve. This story has potential for many explosions, and a john woo style choreographed fight scenes. Please e-mail me in regard to this.

Sorry for the Confusion

[name withheld]

Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 10:16:23 -0700

From: Dan Harmon

To: Exile1mil2@aol.com

I don't know who you are or what kind of conversation we were having, but you should just mail a submission to us. I'm not going to develop a story with you or ever care about your breakup with your friend.

Sorry for the disillusionment

Dan Harmon

STEP FOUR: SHOW YOUR RANGE

Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 13:32:39 -0800 (PST)

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com> (by way of scud@execpc.com)

To: Dan Harmon

One more idea would be a special backwards or out-of -wack issue... Where a renegade scudco or sam mechanic remakes a scud... It doesn't follow the original idea for the comic..but it could be made to do so...

It could start out with a scud self-destructing like normal...then a renegade mechanic (same as above) comes and takes the robot parts and remakes it into a deadly infiltration...This would help show more of the insides of Scudco or Sam, as the infiltrator could be made to assasinate whomever fired the mechanic...please e-mail me back with which one of my ideas is anywhere close to appealing.

STEP FIVE: PERSIST

Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 14:01:38 -0800 (PST)

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com> (by way of scud@execpc.com)

To: Dan Harmon

An Idea for tales for from the vending machine:

Scud (Doesn't matter what kind) assasinates spoofs on the spice girls, or (fish)Spawn. The Spice or Herb Girls, could be an idea just bcuz they r stupid. The (fish)Spawn idea might be appealing bcuz, well... Todd's a moron. The (fish)Spawn idea would give Fireman Press a chance to make fun of the whole idea that superheroes have become more gothic nowadays. The art for the comic could also help show off the idea that superheroes hjave become more buff and steroid driven then b4 in yonder-years. Anyway, please e-mail me back at Exile1mil2@aol.com, or call me at [phone number withheld]. Thank you for your time.

P.S.- If you enjoy any of these ideas, but dont like another aspect of them, please call me and discuss... I can settle for story by credit. Also, if you need an artist for this comic or any others, please contact me, so that I can put together a portfolio to show you, and no what to put in it (drawings of scud, sketches, cartoons....comics etc.)

Date:Wed, 07 Jan 1998 09:20:05 -0800

From: Dan Harmon <godbrain@earthlink.net>

To: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

I told you in the first place that if you wanted us to look at anything, you at least had to take the time to mail something to us.

STEP SIX: PLAY DUMB

Date: Wed, 7 Jan 1998 19:13:55 EST

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

To: Dan Harmon

allright. Have any of my submissions been reviewed? I did email you my submissions like you told me to. Are you talking about actually mailing them to la? Anyways, sorry about the pathetic tries I've made. I could give a really long review of why I seem so desperate, but I'm not gonna waste any more of my tries.... E-mail me back with what you thought of my ideas...thanx for your time Mr. Harmon

Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 14:47:40 -0800

From: Dan Harmon <godbrain@earthlink.net>

To: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

Yes, I meant mail them to L.A.

STEP SEVEN: STALL

Date: Sun, 11 Jan 1998 14:27:06 EST

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

To: Dan Harmon

okay...do u need any artists for tftvm? Because I can draw too. If so e-mail me back with a detailed description on what i should send in the portfolio. I will send that along with the story ideas...wher in la should i send them too?

Date: Sun, 11 Jan 1998 14:48:17 -0800

From: Dan Harmon <godbrain@earthlink.net>

To: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

As stated in those guidelines, our address is:

629 S. Norton ave

Los Angeles, CA 90005

We're not going to tell you what to send. If you're a good artist, we should be able to tell.

STEP EIGHT: KEEP STALLING

Date: Sun, 11 Jan 1998 19:31:12 EST

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

To: Dan Harmon

thanx for your help... There has been a lot of wierd stuff happening with my mail, added to the fact that I'm new to making comics. However, I was extremely hopeful that fireman press would be the start of my comic experience. I read all your series, and I was also wondering...When is the Oswald and Drywall comic coming out? And what about the action figures that were said to be in production. Thank you for having patience with me while I learn the 'ropes'. I will be sending ym portfolio shortly.

STEP NINE: WAIT

Date: Sun, 11 Jan 1998 20:32:06 EST

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

To: Dan Harmon

Before I send my portfolio, I want to include a comic book I've made. However, the paper is standard computer paper. I am willing in transfering the whole book to better paper, and also improve the inks. In order to accomplish this, I would like to know what paper and ink Rob or Edvis use on the final draft of their books. This would help me out a bunch, since I ahve not published any past comics. Thanx for your time.

STEP TEN: PREPARE

Date: Fri, 23 Jan 1998 21:57:22 EST

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

To: Dan Harmon

Hey, I have gotten my act together and I am putting a portfolio together to send to you so that you can see my work. Enclosed are a number of drawings as well as some school math notes with some doodles on them, so that u can see where my evolution has been taken from. And I am also putting together some quick poems and such writing so that you can see my stuff as far as that. Along with the portfolio I am enclosing the actual comic I have made but not published on actual uninked, but markered version on standard Bright White computer paper, as well as the ideas for the TFTVM comic. Let me know what kind of paper and inks you would like to have your final version of the comics printed on, so that I can also send along a fianl draft of my Bright White papered comic. The sooner that I am let known what inks and paper you reccommend and prefer, the sooner I can wrap this up and get this sent off to you guys... Thank you very much for your patience and time. Cant wait for Issue 19. And also, on some furthur notes, do u know how many issus Vending will run? And how about Scud? Are you gonna end it after volume 1, or start up again? And Whats going on with the figures? How about the movie? These are just some nagging questions in my head, and if you could point me in the right direction id be obliged...see ya and thanx again for this wonderful comic

p.s.- Great Work on LCN... Don't tell Rob, but it's almost beat Scud out in my eyes. Loved the GodFather part 3...

That ass-kissing is going to come in handy when it's time to start the next phase:

STEP ELEVEN: MAKE FRIENDS IN THE COMPANY

Date: Fri, 23 Jan 1998 22:03:21 EST

From: Exile1mil2 <Exile1mil2@aol.com>

To: Dan Harmon

oh yeah, and I'm playing this game called Tanarus by Sony Int. It's like a net game, and I have my own team, called Cosa Nostra.. I wanted to totally do an overall of all my players...We wanted to change all our names to fit people in the LCN comic strip..Right now, my name is TonyTastey. My friends on my team would be called Forehead, Doghouse etc. And we would change our team name to La Cosa Nostroid. We would also officially say good stuff about FM press whenever we could.. and encourage the buying of all stuff. Also, we would like to put images on my website and make it just a LCN site... Would of the preceding be ok with Rob and you? If so or not please e-mail me back.. I would be more than happy to call this whole thing off if needed. Thank you for your time.

STEP TWELVE: ASSERT YOURSELF

Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 22:23:49 EST

From: Exile1mil2@aol.com

To: Dan Harmon

Mr. Harmon, have you recieved my last several e-mail letters which asked some very important questions? It has now been approximately a month since ive sent them, and before I send off my portfolio to FIreman Press LTD. I need those answers. PLease e-mail me back those desired answers as soon as possible so that I may mail the portfolio that Ive made. Thank you for your time.

P.S.-When is the next LCN coming out? I wanna find out what happened with the computer?!?!?!?

Date: Tue, 03 Feb 1998 03:40:29 -0800

From: Dan Harmon <godbrain@earthlink.net>

To: Exile1mil2@aol.com



I am retracting my previous advice. Please don't mail a portfolio to us. You are too high maintenance.

STEP THIRTEEN: FOLLOW UP

Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 18:42:38 EST

From: Exile1mil2@aol.com

To: Dan Harmon

ok thank you for your time, and for having patience with a learning student. This learning experience has been very valuable to me. Thank you again.

[name withheld]

STEP FOURTEEN: RESEARCH

Date: Thu, 5 Feb 1998 20:25:40 EST

From: Exile1mil2@aol.com

To: Dan Harmon

also, I am almost completely sure that I may interview for a job in the comic industry in the future, so it would help me a bunch if you or Mr. Schrab would explain exactly what I did wrong, and how i could improve, so that I dont really blow at my next 'interview'. Thank you for your time.

Hopefully, by following all fourteen steps, you've crossed the line between standard rejectee and entertainment phenomenon. Now watch your "interview" grab the public's attention and wait for those job offers to pour in! Wasn't that easy?

E-mail us at scud1373@earthlink.net