INDIANAPOLIS—The Indiana Fever captured their first ever WNBA championship Sunday night with an 87-78 win over the Minnesota Lynx, an accomplishment that has reportedly only served to make the city of Indianapolis that much more miserable. “Jesus Christ, this joyless town really didn’t need this,” said Indianapolis native Rebecca Dynes, adding that the state’s capital city was depressing enough without anyone calling it the “home of the WNBA-champion Indiana Fever.” “On top of a famous race track, a nonexistent nightlife, and our sorry excuse for a skyline, now we have a WNBA title to be ashamed of too? Plus, you know it won’t be long before those pitiful victory boards start popping up next to every dismal highway.” At press time, city officials confirmed they had approved plans to rename a downtown street “Fever Boulevard.”

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