Newcastle population facing deportation after failing to learn English

Newcastle residents could fall victim to David Cameron’s ‘one in one out’ deportation policy after failing to master basic English.

The Prime Minister claims refusing to learn English leaves Geordie communities isolated and radicalised in festering ghettos such as Byker Grove.

But the Tory leader was roundly criticised for linking language skills with supporting a shit football team owned by a fat millionaire.

Cameron’s Send ‘Em Back campaign could also have ramifications for the entertainment industry, meaning Ant and Dec could soon become Ant or Dec.

Cameron said, “Any visit to Newcastle will confirm that their womenfolk lack the necessary English skills to purchase a coat for the winter.”

“Instead they point excitedly at things, which can be misconstrued as shoplifting.”

The PM insisted English ‘isn’t difficult’ and that fluency could be achieved by watching popular shows like Eastenders.

He added, “By isolating themselves in this way, many Geordies are denying themselves a prestigious career at a company like Sports Direct.”

Meanwhile, Newcastle resident Simon Williams, agreed that his wife has problems integrating.

“Wor lass never gans oot the hoose!” he told us.

Cameron has since backtracked over controversial plans to ban Newcastle residents from wearing veils in public.

“If women from Newcastle prefer to cover their faces in this way then that is a matter for them.”

“I’ve seen Geordie Shore, so frankly I’d prefer it if they did.”