Saturday, September 1, 2012 at 08:02PM

Funemployment





Biff was hoping the big man assigned to him would just do his job and can it with the chit chat. He wasn't in the mood. If no one else wanted to talk to him, offer condolences, a wish of luck... Screw 'em, screw 'em all. He made tons for this company. Got them where they were today. A few calls and...

The elevator stopped and he shifted the box in his hands as his legs twitched a bit, eager to put some distance between him and the place that no longer required his services. The door opened and the sight of a large naked man on a scooter hurtling towards the space Biff now occupied made him reconsider his present course of action and the ex-executive found his back against the side wall of the elevator with a scooter at his toes straddled by a wild-eyed, naked, crazy-ass cherub twisting the throttle of the little screaming beast. Biff looked across the elevator to his escort. The large security guard was mirroring Biff's expression: wide-eyed and mouth slightly agape. Both shot sideways glances at the naked demon in their midst but mostly they stared at each other, afraid of making contact of any sort be it eye-line or touch with the lunatic in their midst. C'mon, he's a freaking security guard, isn't this type of stuff his job?

The scooter's fumes singed the throat but a sense of self-preservation made them keep their coughs to themselves lest they offend their new guest and unleash a new round of terror in the tiny cube of the elevator. The man was already rummaging through Biff's box of possessions. No telling where those nosy fingers had been and he was naked.

The elevator was one of those with doors that opened on either side depending on the floor it stopped. Thankfully the next level opened in front of Naked Guy's screaming beast and he gave it plenty of rein, hurtling his steed into the building scattering people, boxes of possessions, briefcases, backpacks, cell phones and papers in his ample wake.

Biff looked to his security guard still hugging the far wall of their temporary up and down prison. "Screw 'em."

The security guard glanced at the chaos outside as the elevator doors closed. "Shit ain't in my job description."

Before anyone could act, they were back on the floor from which their journey began. Kit and Drew got on the elevator, each with boxes of possessions and personal security escorts.

Drew noticed Biff and grinned. "My day just got a little better."

"Screw you too asshole," hissed the slickster.

The elevator door started to close but was blocked by a box of decidedly feminine belongings. Leticia entered after her cardboard container and everyone perked up a little except for Biff who cringed slightly. The feeling was mutual and Leticia hesitated a bit.

Drew grinned broadly, "They can your sweet ass too?"

Kit shot back, "Dude, that's sexual harassment."

"Only if you got a job."

Leticia decided three against one were good enough odds and besides, she had a security escort; so she shifted to the side of the elevator farthest from Biff and gave Drew a sultry look.

"Well, in that case Sweet Cheeks, why didn't you say something before? We could have destroyed a copier or two." Leticia reveled in her power as Kit and Drew stood slack-jawed in front of her. Her Daddy always said, "The best defense is a good offense."

Drew was almost stuttering. "Th..that was you?"

Kit's voice reached an alarming level. "I knew it! Who'd you do it with?"

"I'm not telling!"

"Obviously didn't help your career," Kit cracked.

"Screw you Kit, I'm not a slut!"

Biff bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood.

"I didn't call you a slut."

"No, you just called her a sexual Machiavellian."

"Ooh, two points for Drew using Machiavellian in a sentence."

Drew swung his gaze hopefully to the lovely Leticia, "We keeping score?"

Leticia waited for the elevator door to completely open. "You wish."

The boys watched as she put on a show, lazily twitching her pencil skirt in a manner guaranteed to make their sleep restless for the next few nights.

. . . .

Biff pulled up in his Porsche to the parking guard shack with its yellow and black 1930's border crossing arm blocking the way out. He instinctively reached for the badge usually strung about his neck but it was no longer there.

"Shit!" This just sharpened his mood more after the unceremonious dumping back there and the ridiculous wait in line he'd just endured trying to get out of the damn place.

The parking attendant rolled her eyes. "Problem?"

"Was just laid off. They took my badge."

"Got a ticket?"

"Ticket?"

"You know, when you drove in this morning."

"I had a badge." Biff separated his words for emphasis as was his habit around the idiots below him in happier times, at least for him.

The parking attendant enjoyed this part. "If you got no ticket or no badge, you gotta pay full pop, fifteen dollars."

"Fifteen dollars?"

"Company policy."

"I was just laid off!" Again, Biff spaced the words for emphasis.

The parking attendant glanced over the Porsche and spaced her reply. "Seems to me you can find the fifteen dollars somewhere."

A menacing shriek approached the entrance lane into the parking garage and with a hysterical cackle, the Naked Guy burst through the thin, painted border stick and rocketed onto the street.

The Parking Attendant turned to the chaos just as a golf cart full of security guards screamed through the recently unblocked lane followed by a line of impatiently honking cars.

"Must be the weekend. Fifteen dollars please unless you got a badge."





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