Share 106 Shares

Follow @RealTurtleboy on Twitter by clicking here.

Loading...

Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here.

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Smiles Forever, the newest Turtleboy Sports page and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information.

Nestled between Maine and Massachusetts is an often overlooked cesspool of opiate related debauchery known as New Hampshire, and on February 7th, this stale fart swooped in like a breath of fresh air. Krystal “With-A-K” Kenny was arrested on an outstanding warrant for methamphetamine.

She looks like a nice girl, not Galinda The Good Witch nice but not like…

Well, I stand corrected.

Moving on, our little Krystal Meth Muppet here is no stranger to the law. Two months prior to her most recent snag by the po-po, she and her favorite flying monkey were unjustly arrested all because of a misunderstanding involving fire alarms, dirty motels, a mega- buffet of drugs and a little dog too (I presume).

“

At just before 1 a.m. on Christmas Day, firefighters and police were called to the Woodspring Suites hotel on Executive Park Drive for an alarm activation. When they arrived, they went to the room where the alarm activated and spoke with Gates.

“While speaking with MFD and MPD personnel, they noticed a Ziplock baggie with methamphetamine on the floor at Gates’ feet,” Sgt. Cassell of the Merrimack Police Department. “He was arrested without incident.”

Kenny was also in the room and allegedly carrying a wallet with fentanyl patches and a baggie with brown powder consistent with heroin-fentanyl. She also reportedly had more than $1,500 in cash. Kenny was also arrested.O

Police then filed for a search warrant and received it. After searching the hotel room, officers allegedly found 29 grams of methamphetamine and $2,000 in cash in another purse that Kenny was reportedly in possession of at the time officers arrived at the scene. Also allegedly found in the room were a scale, clean baggies, ledgers, and quantities of meth, heroin, and Suboxone

.”

Merry Christmas! Some people celebrate with a tree, maybe a couple gifts and Christmas carols. These two set off fire alarms at the local Cum Drop Inn and snort their snowmen. To each their own, I guess.

Let’s take a look at Krystal’s side piece, Charles “Manson-meth-monster” Gates. I’m gonna warn you in advance, dude looks like a hot glue Christmas ornament project gone terribly awry that someone tried cleaning up with Brillo Pads, and when that failed to remedy this attack on Baby Jesus himself just said “fuck it” and threw red glitter and/or herpes at it.

If there’s an Amish death metal band out there, someone who still owns postage stamps should write and let them know that we located their front man. They must be worried sick.

Chuck E. Sleaze has had his fair share of run-in with the law as well. Totally not his fault though, he has a disease that causes you to commit felony check fraud and forget your ID at the crime scene

“

A city man, accused of writing four company checks to himself while his boss was out of the country, could enter no plea Thursday in Circuit Court-Manchester District Division to four felony forgery charges.

Charles Gates, 29, of 602 Front St., is accused of writing four checks on the Semper Fi Power Supply company account, totaling more than Court documents show Gates cashed two of the checks at WalMart on Keller Street and cashed one at Joseph Brothers Market, 196 Lake Ave. But when he tried to cash a second check at Joseph Brothers, which had been notified the first check was a forgery, he left the store, leaving behind both the check and his ID.

More than anything, I’m surprised that he can be referred to as a “former employee”. Someone actually took a look at that mug and thought to themselves “Totes trustworthy, definitely hired” and gave him a checkbook. Poor guy though, seems like his Bathsalt Bae didn’t stick with him. She had to move on to greener pastures, she’s got so much to offer. How in the world could she settle especially when she’s a solid 8… in Lawrence?

She’s simply too hot to handle. Cannot be held down. She’s all about the glamour…

……shots taken while posing outside of her Roach Motel du jour.

She has class, style, grace and standards.

She has a certain lifestyle to maintain amongst at least six people who share her ideals.

She appreciates the finer things in life, like kanji tattoos that she gets from the finest prison tattoo artist in her swanky Bunghole For Bank Bungalow.

Translated into English her ink reads

“You must possess this much meth to ride this ride”.

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn those gloves are the first pieces of latex to touch her body in decades as it appears she squatted out some employee of the month trophies who are college aged and by the looks of it, pretty normal. Glad that apple fell far, far from the tree because evidently these are Krystal’s roots.

Meet Mom Kathy who obviously passed down her Jim Hensen-esque good looks to her crotchfruit

I will never not have Meth Muppets on my mind for the rest of ever.

Mana Mana..





Doo do do do do…

The moral of this story is that if you’re going to do a shitfuckton of ALL the drugs, rob people to feed your disgusting habits and just be an awful person all around make sure you save your appetite for your well deserved shame sammich.

And never trust a Krystal “With-a-K”.

And lastly, to wash your lady parts daily. No idea what this means exactly, but I want nothing to do with it:

Share this: Twitter

Facebook

Pinterest

LinkedIn

Google

Reddit

