Once again it seems that I turn to the one I hold most dear to my heart, looking for comfort and warmth if not understanding. And once again I am denied all three.

I am undeserving of love, friendship or happiness because I have made mistakes; worse still, I continuously make mistakes. Somehow, this fact, that I continuously make mistakes, means that I do not learn from them. If that were true, I would be making the same errors in judgement or blunders every time.

I am undeserving of love, friendship or happiness because I have failed. A mistake is bad enough… failure is an unacceptable, deplorable thing of catastrophic proportions. Success is the only determinant for worth. Without success, I am worth nothing.

I do not learn from my mistakes and do not rise up from my failures because I do not show obvious signs of improvement. I do not outwardly display my efforts with pomp and grandeur.

I do not grow because I do not show.

Internal change is no easy task. Need I present my struggles, tools, strategies and efforts to others to gain their approval? Is it up to you to determine how I should “try”? Is it up to you to decide whether or not I learn or grow? Is it up to you to tell me what you do not see, negating and discrediting the progress you have witnessed with your own eyes? Is that not the fallacy of belief? You see me as someone prone to error, disruption and failure. Despite watching me and being a part of my growth process, despite all evidence to the contrary, you only process examples or “facts” (often somehow twisted or distorted) to support what you originally believe.

Perhaps I am prone to these things… Aren’t we all?

Maybe I do not “learn” what you expect me to from my experiences. Though, do we not experience every situation differently? Do we not have different ways of processing and creating meaning from the information we receive?

No…

I am a worthless failure. I make mistakes and never learn. I don’t try to do better.

That is what you see. That is what you believe. That is why you will leave…

I am undeserving…