Disney's adaptations are so sugarcoated you'll lose a foot if you watch too many in one sitting. But you can hardly blame them, seeing as how old-timey storytellers apparently didn't write fairy tales for kids -- they wrote them to keep jaded serial killers entertained while waiting on death row. For example ...

5 The Original Frozen Features Demons, Eye-Stabbing And Reindeer Terrorizing

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Just in case you only recently emerged from your backyard bomb shelter: Frozen is the tale of two royal sisters, Elsa and Anna. Elsa has the power to create snow and ice at will, but rather than simply sending her to the School for Gifted Youngsters, she's locked away in her room. After Elsa accidentally kicks off an eternal winter and runs away to live in an ice castle, it's up to Anna, hunky reindeer-loving Kristoff, and a sentient snowman to find her and save the kingdom. Elsa ends up accidentally freezing Anna's heart, but it's all cool because love is the ultimate defrost cycle.

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Although it would help if you wore some proper fucking winter clothes.

But In The Original:

Frozen was inspired by Hans Christian Andersen's "The Snow Queen." The story opens when a demon creates a magical mirror that hides the beauty in whatever it reflects, while intensifying its nastiness. When said demon and his pals attempt to carry the mirror to heaven to troll some angels, they drop it and it shatters. Enter best friends Kay and Gerda. Similar to Anna getting struck by Elsa's powers, tiny shards of magic glass spear Kay in his eye and his heart. This has the side effect of transforming him into a Joffrey-caliber little dickhole, Which is pretty understandable, actually. Ever put a contact in backwards? Well, you try getting slivers of demon glass in your eye, you'd be grumpy, too.

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Kay is then kidnapped by the Snow Queen, and Gerda sets off to find him. Along the way she, too, gets help from a reindeer and its owner. But this ain't hunky Kristoff and his wacky pal -- it's a psychotic little robber-girl who tells Gerda, "I tickle [the reindeer's] neck every evening with my sharp knife, which frightens him very much." Between the ice theme, the eye-stabbing, and the animal torture, we're not sure if this is the source material for Frozen, or the inspiration for the first season of Dexter.

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We guess "Oh fuck, my eye! Jesus Christ, that hurts!" wasn't as catchy.