O Paji! Kaise Ho?

Travails of a 23 year old gay Surd by Manpreet Singh

“Hello paji, kaise ho?”

So there I was, doing my usual stuff on a Friday night-which is browsing profiles of hot guys on our favorite blue dating site (Yes! I am hopeful and naïve)-when the harp shook me with the above message. It is with this epic facepalm moment that my laptop and I welcome you to the life of a 23 years old gay Surd. Through this particular piece (read banal ranting), I will try to delineate some really interesting people (read douche bags) that I come across every other day on the popular gay dating site, Planet Romeo. Yes, they have all been categorized vis-à-vis my gay Surd existence.

The list is non-exhaustive as there is no end to the people (read douche bags) I meet. They elicit the strangest possible reactions from me with their uncanny antics. More often than not, an indomitable craving for punching them wins hands down.

So without any further ado, here’s the list:

1. The kind ones: Don’t be fooled by the name. This lot sends messages in the line of “Oh, I don’t do surds, but I might make an exception”; “Oh, I don’t like hairy guys, but I am horny tonight”; “I generally don’t like surds, but you are cute”. Like seriously? This particular breed of guys leaves one in a very conflicted state of mind. I am often confused as to how to respond! You say you find me cute but then you don’t “generally” like people from my community. Boy you need to lose the fanaticism and go to a shrink!

2. The insatiables: Before I start, let me say that I have a lot of respect for effeminate guys. Hell yeah, a lot of my close friends are effeminate. But the type I am referring to here really gets the better of me sometimes. So, there I am, doing my thing (browsing) when I get messaged with a list of all the “stuff” my virtual Romeo wants me to do to him. You’d think I would be happy but hello, I might want to sail the other boat as well! Watch POGO, if you don’t get it. Oh but no! This blighter won’t rest till he establishes my inherent “top”ness on the basis of my Surd-ness. Oh yes, the list of “suggested fun” keeps coming. Insatiable much?

3. The disbelievers: This is the kind that leaves me completely baffled. So basically these particular people go into some kind of shock if they see a perfectly normal Surd guy on a gay networking site. I have actually received messages that read “Yar, sardar bhi gay hote hain?” which translated means, “Man, even Sikh men can be gay?” Sorry to burst your bubble honey, I am Sikh, I am gay and I kind of exist. Down with the stereotypes that stop people from hitting on me in the metro!

4. The heart breakers: I remember coming across the profile of the perfectly cute guy. The universe seemed to go all rainbow and chocolates for a few minutes. But then suddenly he said,

“Dude, you are a surd!”

“Umm yeah, that’s why I am wearing a bandanna or a turban in every other picture.”

“You are cute, but I can’t date a surd.”

So, you are left heart-broken, sad, irritated (read feeling like punching the guy so hard in the junk that he never gets it up again). To be honest, this particular breed makes the “the kind ones” seem like innocent Labradors.

5. The brother-hood: They are an interesting bunch of people. These people belong to the same community as I do. They, however, are blunt. In other words, the fact that they, just like me, are Surds should be reason enough for me to have the hots for them. Wake up call. This dude aint up for no brotherhood. From saying that they only make out with surds to somehow connecting the story back to Punjab, they will try everything to get inside your pants. It’s INSANE!

6. The collectors: So, one fine day when you are doing the regular stuff again (read browsing and ogling the same old blue site), you receive a message: “Dude, I have never done a Surd, can you help me out?” My lower jaw almost drops to the ground. But before I can recover, I am offered an explanation. Apparently, this particular guy has made out with people from different places and communities. And somehow, I am being invited to be a part of “the collection”. Well, should I be proud. Confused.

Oops! List over… Time for workout!