Posted by Andy, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Our lives go through a lot of transformations when we have kids. Body, mind and soul. And home. And car. And bank account. You either know this already, or can easily imagine.

In the beginning, Baby’s First Christmas can launch holiday excitement into the psychotisphere. “Extra efforts” aren’t made, “extreme measures” are taken. New parents might even go nutty as an almond log and wrap up a couple of boxes of diapers just to juice things a bit.

The tree changes once the little one can stand, though. Ornaments go mysteriously and systematically missing like the cast in a teen horror film; so they get placed higher and higher on the tree. Or perhaps they’re swapped out entirely with plastic or plushy ornaments after a sleepless night spent replaying the sound of a decoration breaking like an egg made of razors.

As your kid gets older, don’t ask what it’s a picture of, just smile stupidly and tape it to something or stab it proudly onto a branch of the tree. Have a blast stringing popcorn or crafting something together. It can make for one ugly tree, but it also makes it their tree. Bling!

They grow up so fast, in no time you’ll realize it’s been a few years since they hurled a toy or themselves into the tree. Might be time to replenish your now-devastated stock of decorations. Once your kid becomes a teen, you might even find yourself sweating over printouts of an “inspiration tree” you found on Pinterest as you scour the web for limited-edition, artisan ornaments that resemble shark nipples.

(This is not a confession, but it may turn out to be.)

By the way, sharks don’t really have nipples. I know. I was really disappointed, too. Happy holidays!

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Instructional Diagrams

These aren’t sparkly, fluted or blinking, but you’ll love ’em anyway.

