Let’s do this but like, not, you know?

I have a great idea — let’s go skiing! In 10 months. That may seem like a long way away, but if you want to book the nicest, most expensive block of mountainside rooms at the fanciest resort in North America, you have to plan ahead.

Oh, you’ve never skied before? Me either! I’m not planning on actually skiing, I’m saying I want to go skiing. I’m talking about hot chocolate and hot toddies and hot tubs and hot men, all in frigid temperatures lol. Sure, we can take a lesson, decide we know what we’re doing, take the lift up to the top of the mountain, have a couple of drinks, then spend the rest of the afternoon trying to get back down, most of which will be spent just standing right in the middle of the trail everyone else’s way. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Of course, I plan on spending most of our time in the lodge in our fashionable but completely impractical leggings and furs, sitting around the fire talking shit about Susanne (who I’m inviting, obviously, so we’ll have to be discreet). If we get bored, we can go shopping at one of the many outrageously expensive shops at the bottom of the mountain! They have everything: overpriced hats, overpriced clothing, overpriced jewelry that has no business being sold at a ski area, mugs. We’ll go out to cozy, expensive restaurants that will be filled with people exactly like us, since all the “real skiers” go back to their faraway rental homes in the afternoon and spend their evenings drinking beer and eating chips in their long underwear before going to bed at 9 p.m. because they’re exhausted from all the exercise and because they want to get on the mountain early the next day to avoid “rich assholes” like us.

People like that say skiing is a sport, but I prefer to think of it as an opportunity to shop at a cold outdoor mall and tell people you went somewhere fancy. Other people say skiing is a rich person’s sport, but in reality it’s a rich person’s activity and those who participate in it as a sport are middle class morons who like danger and being cold lol.

Anyway, let me know if you want to go! And if not, maybe we can find an afternoon to wear our fur coats in a hot tub while talking shit about Susanne (who will be invited, just FYI) instead since that’s basically the same thing? LMK!