AKRON, OH—Refusing to put up with it for another second, the nation’s parents announced Tuesday that they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit. “We stand here today because we are about this fucking close to losing it and can’t deal with this shit right now,” said 47-year-old Lisa Burgess on behalf of the country’s 45 million parents, adding that it’s not fucking cute anymore and they’ve had it up to here this entire goddamn day. “The time has come to just cool it for five goddamn minutes. The fact of the matter is we don’t have the energy right now, so we’d better not have to repeat ourselves, got it?” At press time, the nation’s parents suddenly snapped, “Okay, that’s it!” and abruptly ended the press conference.

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