Avoiding abusive and toxic relationships

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The picture of ‘the single, happy man or woman’, appears to be an oxymoron. How can one be happy alone and single? Present day society and the media appears to have created a negative image around the idea of the, ‘happy, single person’. The prevailing school of thought is that you cannot be alone and happy, chances are you feel lonely. You probably curl up on your couch when you get home, watch television and proceed to cry your ‘lonely’ self to sleep. Is this the truth? Or, are we, in so doing, inadvertently perpetuating the culture of abusive relationships and relationships that result in the emotional depression of one or both parties?

Studies carried out have indicated that women and men who are afraid of being single statistically tend to be involved in unhappy and abusive relationships more than men and women who are not afraid of being single. This trend appears to cut across demographics, affecting women to a greater degree. This is understandable as there are generally more societal pressures on women to find a suitable mate and settle down before she grows ‘less unattractive’ and less fertile.

Biological Function

There is a biological purpose for this potentially questionable mentality. In the book, ‘Why Beautiful People have more daughters: From Dating, shopping, and praying to going to war and becoming a billionaire’ Alan Miller, backed by reputable research, argues the point that your thoughts, feelings and behavioural patterns are not only dictated by your individual experiences and environment, but also by what happened to your ancestors millions of years ago. Our nature and our fears are essentially a cumulative product of experiences from our evolutionary past. Following this reasoning, we could say that the reason we crave companionship is because throughout our evolutionary history we had, and to a certain degree still have, a biological functional need to procreate in order to pass on our genes. This desire for companionship is further complicated by cultural, religious and societal developments that have dictated that we are supposed to be monogamous creatures who have life-long partners (however valid or invalid that reasoning may be).

That being said, there is difference between the natural desire for companionship, monogamous or not, and the fear of being single. Generally, when a study is carried out on men and women who fear being single, the participants of such studies maintain the claim that they maintain high standards when deciding whom to date. Observations carried out during such studies however, present an entirely different picture. Men and women who fear being single typically portray a far less selective approach to choosing potential date partners, tending to show more interest in partners that are generally regarded as unattractive both physically and emotionally. Conclusions can be drawn from this that the fear of being single often forces people to settle for less ideal relationships.

Sometimes you are better off alone

Children are often bombarded with, ‘happily ever after’ fairy stories of finding a prince charming, or a vulnerable princess to rescue. These unrealistic media constructions do more harm than good and this is worsened by the reiteration of such tales by society. Being in a relationship is portrayed as a sign of maturity, emotional stability and attaining ‘true happiness’. The caveat to this ideology is that people ignore the fact that when you are not in a relationship you a closer to attaining true happiness than when you are in a bad relationship.

Being comfortable alone can help you develop a greater degree of emotional independence and more focus on the development of your own interests and passions. Instead of getting into a, ‘poison drip’ relationship where the emphasis appears to be pleasing your partner at the detriment of your own ambitions you can opt to be single. In so doing you have an opportunity to develop who you are, understand what you are capable of and to know what value you attach to yourself. It is essentially to understand that you are not a piece in a jigsaw puzzle, you do not need a ‘better half’ to complete you. There is no reason a person cannot enjoy Valentine’s day, long walks on the beach and occasionally ‘romantic’ dinners without being in a relationship.

The outdated perception of growing old and lonely has no factual basis- research shows that generally, older people have, through their experiences, developed traits and habits that help them to feel comfortable alone. Their status quo is calmness and they more often than not relish the peace and quietness of being alone. This is not to say relationships are inherently bad and everyone should be single, in the words of Blaise Pascal, ‘All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room’. Learn how to be comfortable with yourself and do not fear being single