Tom Brady and I have a lot in common. We are both male. We both live in Boston. We both have gorgeous wives. And we both followed the same sad diet for the last five days.

For the uninitiated, here is a list of things Tom Brady does and doesn't eat according to his personal chef, Allen Campbell:

80 percent of what they eat is vegetables. [I buy] the freshest vegetables. If it's not organic, I don't use it. And whole grains: brown rice, quinoa, millet, beans. The other 20 percent is lean meats: grass-fed organic steak, duck every now and then, and chicken. As for fish, I mostly cook wild salmon.No white sugar. No white flour. No MSG. I'll use raw olive oil, but I never cook with olive oil. I only cook with coconut oil... I use Himalayan pink salt as the sodium. I never use iodized salt.[Tom] doesn't eat nightshades, because they're not anti-inflammatory. So no tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, or eggplants. No coffee. No caffeine. No fungus. No dairy.The kids eat fruit. Tom, not so much. He will eat bananas in a smoothie. But otherwise, he prefers not to eat fruits.

Nightshade? Outside of the comic book heroine, I had never heard that used in its appropriate context. Now night cheese on the other hand, I am intimately familiar with.

The Man Who Came to Dinner and Had Seconds...

In order to fully understand what it means for me to go without coffee and white flour for five days, it's important to know a little bit about me. Despite what you read earlier, Tom Brady and I do have our differences. Like Brady, I also weigh 225 pounds. Although, he is 6'4" and I'm a shade under 6'. Brady is also a professional athlete while I play rec league basketball once a week. You see, we're close but not completely the same.

As for my relationship with food, I love food. But I am by no means a foodie. I've seen enough episodes of Chopped to recognize compotes, roulades, and chutneys...in that I understand they are things that are made with food. Truth is: I couldn't pick out a parsnip in a rutabaga patch. Yet, that didn't stop me from eating both of them for the first time in my life this week.

My Shopping List

Given my limited experience cooking and my immense experience eating I was little apprehensive about starting out. But, because I'm brave, I headed over to my neighborhood Whole Foods. Once there, I was surprised to find it very easy to navigate; even if I did have a Montgomery Burns Ketchup moment in front of the root vegetables.

I'm a reader, so signage is key. Whole Foods is GREAT with indicating which products are organic and which products lack GMOs. Extrapolating from Campbell's interview, here is the hodgepodge of things I bought:

Parsnips

Rutabagas

Yams

Beets

Organic Granola

Coconut Oil

Himalayan Pink Salt

Arugula

Organic Lentil Soup

Grass Fed Steak

Quinoa

Brown Rice

In total, I spent around $100 on groceries, which, in the spirit of full disclosure, also included this late addition:

GMO/Trans Fat Free Chocolate Chip Cookie Chips

Food Highlights

Brendan Jackson

So step one was buying the necessary ingredients to make some Brady-style entrees (check), but I was still a long way away from reaching step two of actually mixing those ingredients over heat. This initially led to me eating like a bird (i.e. lots of nuts, seeds, granola, and water), but eventually, I graduated to rabbit-level by mixing in some vegetables.

My culinary expertise is virtually non-existent; I wouldn't even call myself my own personal chef. Unfortunately, in my culture it is customary that friends and family gift you five-star kitchenware when you get married (seriously, why do I own a mandolin??). This leaves me without an excuse to not attempt to recreate some of the dishes Campbell describes. Let's take a look some of the fruits vegetables of my labor:

Here is where I took a liberal interpretation of the "20% red meat." After realizing my proportions were off, I housed the rest of the quinoa I made. Balance!

Meanwhile, look at all of these things I just learned about. Can you name all the root vegetables? Brendan Jackson

After a few meals that involved eating an entire row of Mr. McGregor's garden, I took the winner's way out. I went back to Whole Foods....and bought two bags of Chocolate Chip Cookie Chips and another tub of organic granola. Total Ineligible Receiver play―but these are desperate times, tem.

But this is how this diet is different from Paleo, Keto, etc. You don't eliminate entire food groups like Carbs. You just don't eat garbage. Instead of Tollhouse, you eat HannahMax. Health!

As for hydrating? According to Brendan Jackson

By day five, I was done. So I found this restaurant that was pretty much made for this diet. We're talking some organic tomato soup (oh the inflammation!), beet and radish salad, and charred broccoli. If I lived above this place, I could totally go full Brady.

Uhoh, is that olive oil? Brendan Jackson

Speaking of restaurants: They're pretty much off limits if you're Tom Brady. Unless you expect me to believe that Tom Brady is one of those people who asks his server about GMOs, Gluten, Organic status, and the name of the guy who pulled his carrot out of the ground. Brady is a lot of things—four-time Super Bowl Champion, 11-time Pro Bowler, epic butt-chin owner—but he ain't THAT guy.

As my gluten-free friends can attest, checking to see if a restaurant uses a separate fryer is bad enough. Having to ask the chef the litany of this diet's Dos and Don'ts? Let's just say the 2 for $20 deal is off the table.

Effects on the Body

When you have been eating garbage as long as I have, radically altering your diet can have drastic effects on your body. Luckily for me, my aforementioned wife is an internal medical resident and my de facto concierge primary care physician. I had her on call to take my vitals and monitor me in case I started to get really good at football.

I hit my first road block 36 hours in when the lack of caffeine started taking its toll. After seeing me wallow on the couch effectively ruining her morning, my wife prescribed me a Venti Dark Roast. I couldn't tell if it was her professional opinion, or she was sick of hearing me whine. Either way, I obliged. Just like the New England Patriots employee non-disclosure reads, "Tom Brady doesn't cheat, you do."

Along with some Trainspotting-level withdrawal, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the Bristol Stool scale. Let's just say I produced a consistent 6.

This diet changes you... Brendan Jackson Getty Images

Post-Bradyfication Nutrition

Initial Vitals:

Weight: 225 lbs.

Heart Rate: 66 BPM

BP: 110/78

Regrets: None

Final Vitals:

Weight: 222.5 lbs.

Heart Rate: 60 BPM

BP: 122/74

Regrets: Pizza

This diet was annoying, but not impossible. Before I started, I figured having a private chef was necessary to make it work. Instead, I found out Whole Foods makes it easy to know what's organic and free of GMOs. The hard part is replacing everything you drink with water and bourbon and removing buffets from your list of viable restaurant options. Because let me tell you, for as much as people love Tom Brady in this town, they are not willing to cede their dietary luxuries to his guidance. And I get why. People eat food every day. They indulge on Tom Brady once a week.

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