United States: First, it was the Tanorexics—women in their teens, 20s and 30s with such a fondness for tan skin that they risk their lives just to resemble old, leathery shoes. But now, as skin cancer rates are on the rise and cosmetic companies everywhere are advertising “anti-aging” products, another extremist group has joined in.

Meet the Sunphobics. Sunphobics are people who avoid sun exposure altogether for fear of getting skin cancer and wrinkles. Even in 100-degree Florida heat, they don’t step outside unless they are wearing pants, long-sleeved shirts, hats, sunglasses, scarves, and gloves. Yes, gloves.

“I have about 30 different pairs of gloves,” stated sunphobic Tanya Morrison. “I never leave home without a pair. Most people have never even seen my hands!”

Sunphobics also use other odd fashion accessories to protect themselves from the sun’s rays. “I carry a parasol,” stated Ashley Anderson. “And my friend wears a burkini just like Nigella Lawson’s.”

The Sunphobics are not all that different from the Tanorexics, explains Dr. Lee Andrews, a dermatologist with the American Dermatology Academy. “Both camps tend to be extremely vain. They are obsessed with their appearances. The only difference is that there are less instances of skin cancer among Sunphobics due to their fear of the sun.”

It is precisely this behavior that has vampire slayers on alert.

“We fear that sunphobia is merely a new tactic being used by vampires to hide in plain sight,” stated Buffy Summers III, President of the American Vampire Slayers Association. “Claiming to be protecting one’s skin is the perfect cover. Vampires can then wander the streets and prey on unsuspecting people.”

Some Sunphobics are not happy with being suspected of vampirism.

“I resent the American Vampire Slayers Association for implying that I am a vampire,” said Kasha Draculson. “I am simply fair-skinned and cold-natured. I simply want to protect myself by avoiding the sun when I venture outside my Upper East Side lair.”

Despite the Sunphobics’ protestations, slayers are still skeptical. “We’ve extended our patrol to include daylight hours,” said Summers, “Just in case.”