Apologizing in the workplace, especially directly to an employee, is an odd concept for many “old school” leaders. Last week, I waxed philosophical on a circumstance when leaders should apologize to members of their team and received several interesting responses. Namely, people seeking elaboration on when-to, or how-to apologize to one of their employees.

Unsurprisingly, “how to have awkward conversations with your employees” isn’t in the leadership orientation manual. The concept of apologizing doesn’t naturally fit into what many would consider the leadership toolbox.

And how is someone supposed to know when to apologize for something? It’s not like there’s a flashing sign or people walking right up to you saying, “you should definitely apologize to me”.

Here’s a simple rundown of when you’ve probably got something worth apologizing for:

Did you do something that you regret? Given a do over, would you have handled a situation differently? Would you want your team to follow your example in that situation?

My very-own-special “I should probably apologize” moment came recently when I called an employee out in a group setting in front of their peers. I felt they were falling behind on a project and not making it a priority, and I told them so. It was an awkward exchange. I caught them off-guard, hadn’t given them time to prepare a response, and embarrassed them in front of the group. It was accidental, I merely meant to make a passing comment, but their reaction told me I’d had an unanticipated impact.

Was the employee overly sensitive to my off-the-cuff comment? Maybe. Was it 100% black-and-white obvious that I needed to apologize? No. But for me, I regretted that I’d brought it up at all in that setting, and felt I should have addressed it with them privately.

So then, what’s the right way to handle this apology conversation? Be concise, be clear, and be concrete.

Anytime you’re speaking about something that’s charged with sensitivity or awkwardness, you want to plan what you’re going to say in advance, get immediately to the point, use concrete language, and be explicit about what you want the other person to take away. My format for apologizing follows the popular SBI frame that’s used for giving constructive feedback. It’s the best feedback framework I’ve used and it’s also very valuable when apologizing.

Here’s an example of a good apology using the above tools: “[Employee], I wanted to take a second to talk about yesterday’s meeting. I made a comment about the project you’re working on and I regret that I brought it up in that setting. I’m sorry for doing that. That discussion would have been better during our one-on-one and I think I undermined you in front of the team. It’s important to me that you feel supported and not put in a position like that by me. In the future, I’m going to keep those kinds of comments to myself until we can talk privately.”

Do NOT let your ego get in the way. The point of the apology is to help the other person to see that you care about their morale and their feelings, it’s not an opportunity for you to restate your point or defend yourself. You’re going to find you have a strong desire to add a “but” or an “in my defense”. Resist this urge. Insincere apologies often make things 10x worse. We can all remember the insincere apologies we’ve received from people because it cements those people in our minds as certified jerks.

Here’s an explicit example of what not to do: “[Employee], I wanted to take a second to talk about yesterday’s meeting. It seemed like you got your feelings hurt by my comment. I shouldn’t have undermined you in front of the team, but in my defense, you really shouldn’t have let yourself fall behind on this project. If this project was being managed correctly, I wouldn’t have had to call you out. Also, you’re going to need thicker skin if you want to be successful here. Sometimes people make mean comments. You can’t get your feelings hurt every time someone says something you don’t like.”

Ugh. Don’t be that boss.

After you finish the apology, give the employee a chance to add anything they’d like to say, and then leave. Don’t linger, don’t make small talk, just get back to work. If you don’t make the apology a weird big-deal, your employees won’t either.

As leaders, we’re brokers of trust and relationship capital. If you acknowledge a world where employee morale is important to productivity then you’re also acknowledging a world in which you need to preserve that morale. Apologizing when needed is a way to maintain and grow the trust that others have in you by showing that you have humility and are capable of taking ownership and accountability for your own behavior.

How are you supposed to hold others accountable if you can’t hold yourself accountable?

Next time you slip up in a meeting or do something that doesn’t sit well with you later, take 5 minutes to think through what you want to say and reach out to the person to apologize. It can be in person, via phone call, via text. As long as you are specific about what you’re sorry for and sincere in your delivery, you’ll go a long way to setting a strong example.

Good luck out there,

Patrick

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