They are on to us, ladies.

I hate to say it, but the jig is up.

And a fine jig it was, for a while. Right after we got together at our last lady pow-wow that we have in the woods every few years, our sacred leader Angela the Divine said,

“Go forward, my little warrior doves, and accuse! Accuse as many men as you can spot watching football instead of washing dishes. Accuse when you’re feeling grouchy or hungry or when you forgot to finish your TPS reports.” And then she cackled, and the whole thing was heartwarming. We got some great Instagram pics.

But I digress.

I’m here to tell you that in her sacred wisdom, Angela has issued an amendment. Call it a pivot, if you will. We should have seen it earlier, ladies. Men just don’t care when you accuse them of sex crimes! But before you get too long in jaw, I have good news! There are a whole host of other crimes! Easier crimes! Better crimes! And the best part is when you accuse a man who has pushed your buttons one too many times, the public will only be too delighted to take notice.

Next time a man’s hand is snaking its slimy way up your nonconsenting skirt, train yourself to avoid crying out, “Sexual assault!”

Instead, practice yelling these with righteous indignation:

Corporate hacker!

International terrorist!

Dangerous chemical stockpile!

And if those feel too unwieldy, try an oldy but goody: tax evasion!

You may be cynical.

You may think, wait. How do I know they will take me seriously? After all, isn’t tax evasion a little more trivial than, say, attempted kidnapping and forcible penetration? Why would authorities bother with forensic accounting when they can’t even process a simple rape kit?

But I assure you, my little warrior doves, the conversation will astound you!

“Hello, I am calling to report tax evasion,” you will say.

“Ma’am, this is a very serious matter,” the officer will reply. “I am waiting with bated breath to take down this report.”

“But,” you will say. “Don’t you want to know what I’m wearing? Or whether I’ve had anything to drink?”

“Nonsense,” a no-nonsense officer will retort. “What you are wearing is completely irrelevant!”

“Well then,” you will say. “I saw that he expensed some things that he shouldn’t have. I mean, he said it was a business lunch, but he was just taking a friend out. And then, he wrote off a vacation to Hawaii and said he was meeting with client.”

“Very good!” the officer will say. “Thank you ma’am, you’ve been most helpful!”

“But,” you will say, stupefied, “don’t you want more proof than that? Perhaps three witnesses of unimpeachable moral character?”

“No need, ma’am, we will get to the bottom of this in a jiffy! There is evidence, after all. We will track all his movements, subpoena all of his credit cards. The restaurants are equipped with cameras. We will not rest until we get to the bottom of this. You are a heroine and have done fine civic duty today!”

“But officer,” you will say, unable to stop yourself, “aren’t you worried this will drag his name through the mud? Oughtn’t we consider whether he is a good family man, perhaps the father of daughters and the husband of a wife?”

The officer will laugh heartily. “Ma’am, miscreants must be apprehended. Why, if we let one man get away simply because he has kids, the entire system of justice will go to hell in handbasket!”

You will want to stop while you’re ahead. But you won’t. “Officer,” you will politely remonstrate, “should we consider how often the tax code changes? One year you can take a deduction, the next year you can’t. And it’s so easy to get confused. One could even say that the tax code is perhaps asking to be evaded.”

“Madam!” the officer will shout, no longer polite. Spittle will dot his lips. “Madam, ignorance is never an excuse! Just because it is easy to evade does not make it right! And we will ensure all malefactors are punished thoroughly to the full extent of the law, and punished with such vigor that they will never think to transgress again! Good day to you, ma’am!”

And you will hang up the phone, feeling surprised, but oddly happy.