OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison has a little daily ritual of sitting down on a box in a quiet corner of the stock room, drinking most of a can Dr. Pepper, and not killing himself. “Every day, he just slips in there with a drink, takes a breather, and casually but consciously decides not to put a bullet in his brain,” said junior sales associate Suzanne Rehnquist, noting that Ellison occasionally also brought a bag of Fritos, but never a firearm, into the peaceful back room adjacent to the store’s Sports & Outdoors section. “Andy knows what he needs, and if that means having a little daily routine where he takes five minutes, sips a soda, and doesn’t wrap his mouth around the barrel of a handgun and send brain matter and skull fragments fountaining into the office supplies, good for him.” Sources have expressed doubts as to whether Ellison will be able to keep up his little routine for much longer.

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