Cabinet announces unified backing for Brexit plan that has already been rejected by the EU

Theresa May was hailed as a great peacemaker on Friday as she convinced the warring factions within her government to sign up for a comprehensive negotiating approach that every power broker in the European Union has already dismissed out of hand.

Simon Williams, Press Officer for Number 10, told the press that it was Mrs May’s innate leadership qualities that managed to break the deadlock.

“It was a marathon negotiating session but it paid off in the end,” he explained.

“Many critics in the press said that the likes of Phil Hammond and Boris Johnson could never see eye to eye over Brexit but now they are both fully committed to asking the EU for something they know will be refused.

“It was a masterpiece of compromise. Incorporating both the pragmatic stance of a near status quo and a vision of a free-booting nation completely distinct from its European neighbours.

“Now we will go to the EU and ask them for every perk of membership without any contributions or obligations. And we will be as one when we will be laughed out of the room until a looming economic crisis forces us to accept whatever the EU wants.”

In Brussels, Niklaas Verghuidhen, the intern now responsible for dealing with the UK government, was bemused at the latest development.

He told us, “So they want to remain in practice but diverge enough to tell Daily Mail readers they have got one over us? So nothing new.

“But our door remains open for whenever you put grown-ups in charge. And no, I’m afraid Mr Corbyn doesn’t count.”