Manchester United were outclassed in the Stadio Olimpico as Barcelona wrapped up the first ever La Liga, Copa Del Rey and Champions League treble

Good evening everybody, and a very warm welcome to one and all of you wherever you may be. Here's hoping for a wonderful game of football between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome's Stadio Olimpico tonight. Before we get on with the fun, a brief safety announcement: the fire exits are there, here and off down there. Pleasantries and formalities over, now we can get on with the ... oh, for the love and honour of sweet baby jesus, Sky anchorman Richard Keys is already saying that "on nights like these we're all Englishmen" ... to an audience that boasts Dutchman Ruud Gullit and Scotland's Graeme Souness and Planet Inanity's Jamie Redknapp.

Obviously he's implying that everyone in England wants Manchester United to win when he must know by now that nothing could be further from the truth.

My Kent Brockman-esque Two Cents: I don't particularly mind who wins tonight so long as we get a decent ball-game, but it has become apparent to me in the build-up to this match that a lot of Manchester United fans, English journalists and other media pundits have been struck down with a mutant strain of the World Cup and European Championship fever that tends to strike in the build-up to major international tournaments.

Gripped by jingoistic fervour, they fly in the face of all available evidence to the contrary and confidently back England, only to see their horse stumble unimpressively through the group stages before being inhumanely destroyed by a vastly superior thoroughbred in the second round or quarter-finals.

While there can be no doubt in the mind of any sentient human being that Manchester United are considerably better than England, I think a lot of the cheerleaders who've been predicting success for them tonight are basing their assessments of Barcelona on the only two matches they've seen them play this season, in which they didn't perform as shabbily as some would have you believe despite the smothering tactics employed by Chelsea.

But anyone who watches Barcelona play week in and week out will know they're capable of a lot better and, even though Sir Alex Ferguson will have a few tricks up his sleeve, I'm going to predict a fairly comfortable win for Barca.

By all means crow if I get it horribly wrong, but bear in mind it's only an opinion that's no more valid than that of anyone else ... except you, obviously. Yes you, sitting there in your office or bedroom, reading this on your PC monitor, possibly with several other screens open, each of them showing something that's probably illegal in several American states.

A more precise prediction, you say? Oh, go on then: Manchester United 2-4 Barcelona.

Some ground-rules for some of our more excitable readers: If you wish to send in an always welcome email, please bear in mind that I almost certainly won't get a chance to read more than a fraction of them during the game, unless it's unspeakably tedious, in which case I may well switch over to BBC and start giving a minute-by-minute report on the latest antics of the chaffinch family on Springwatch.

Anyway, please desist from (a) firing off the same email over and over again, because the original is almost certainly already sitting in my inbox unopened (or opened and unpublished because it's a bit ... er, too good), (b) sending in emails that have absolutely no punctuation or capital letters where punctuation and capital letters are meant to be and (c) dispatching outraged accusations of bias just because I happen to describe a risible performance, misplaced pass or terrible shot by somebody playing for whatever team you support.

Much to my amusement, I recently had several impossibly outraged readers accusing me of bias because I happened to mention in a commentary that I had a bet on one of the teams participating. The bloke who sent it was so deranged he actually seemed to think that I could affect the outcome by providing an imbalanced commentary. If only ...

Barcelona, complete with Iniesta and Henry, but no Eric Abidal (suspended), Danny Alves (suspended) or Rafael Marquez (knacked): 1-Victor Valdes; 5-Carles Puyol, 24-Yaya Toure, 3-Gerard Pique, 16-Silvinho; 28-Sergio Busquets, 6-Xavi, 8-Andres Iniesta; 10-Lionel Messi, 9-Samuel Eto'o, 14-Thierry Henry.

Subs: Pinto, Caceres, Muniesa, Keita, Gudjohnsen, Bojan, Pedrito.

Manchester United, with added Park Ji-sung and Rio Ferdinand but no Carlos Tevez (bench), Dimitar Berbatov (bench), Darren Fletcher (suspended) or Howard Webb (not selected by Uefa): 1-Edwin van der Sar; 22-John O'Shea, 5-Rio Ferdinand, 15-Nemanja Vidic, 3-Patrice Evra; 13-Park Ji-sung, 16-Michael Carrick, 8-Anderson, 11-Ryan Giggs; 7-Cristiano Ronaldo, 10-Wayne Rooney.

Subs: Kuszczak, Rafael Da Silva, Evans, Nani, Scholes, Berbatov, Tevez.

Referee: Massimo Busacca (Switzerland*)

*Spare me the jokes about neutrality. You're better than that.

First email of the night: "Am standing in line outside the Stadio Olimpico," writes Nick Lesser to minute-by-minute reporter sitting in a chair in a Kings Place office. "Every gate has over 500 metres of queueing. This could get problematic, to put it very mildly, if people don't get in in time. Visca EL Barça anyway!" Was that a threat or an observation? It read like a threat to me. Carbineri, you have been warned - let Nick Lesser in or there'll be hell to pay.

Here's an observation of my own: I can't believe people still bother to actually go to football matches when there's a service as good as the Guardian's minute-by-minute report available. They obviously musn't have heard about it yet. Spread the word, Nick Lesser. Tell all those people there's no need to stand in line if they head for the nearest internet cafe.

Another email, this time from Christopher Davis: "Is James Richardson the man whipping the crowd into a Frenzy in the ground tonight?" he asks. "If so I trust you'll keep us updated on him and his gags/gaffs!" It gives me no pleasure to reveal that James didn't get that particular gig this year. Apparently Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog were available. But I can reveal that AC Jimbo will be here tomorrow for our Champions League Football Weekly Extra special (subscribe now on iTunes if you haven't done so already), and his usual post-Champions League newspaper round-up, which will be up on the site just as soon as he's finished recording it on the bank of the land-fill that passes for a canal out the back of our offices.

Sir Alex speaks: "We've got a strong bench ... could be a deciding factor for us ... great players ... Scholes, Berbatov, Tevez can make a difference ... Giggs starting in the middle to support Cristiano up front ... a hat-trick of Champions League titles would be nice, but we'll talk about that once the game is over."

Sky pundit Graeme Souness speaks: "Manchester United are set up to punish Barcelona at the back ... I think we're in for a classic game of football ... I think Chelsea put the fear of God in Barcelona and may have done Manchester United a huge favour.

Inside the Stadio Olimpico: The centre-circle is covered by a large red Champions League flag. In the middle of the pitch, which is surrounded by one of my pet hates - a running track (I even hate them when they're not surrounding football pitches) - there's some sort of pre-match opening ceremony involving a lot of heavily made-up dancers with black bob hairstyles, dressed in long, predominantly red dresses and holding shields gadding about in formation in each half, while a shiny lady dressed as a Roman deity is behaving in a god-like fashion and making off with the European Cup. Apparently they're showing the similarities between ancient Rome and modern day football. Insert your own "greed", "gluttony", "orgy" and "betrayal" jokes here.

With Andrea Bocelli providing the soundtrack on the pitch, the players emerge from the tunnel and line up. They exchange handshakes, discard their tracksuit tops and get ready for what I hope is going to be a marvellous game of football. The skippers Ryan Giggs and Carles Puyol exchange pennants in the centre-circle then the ref tosses the coin.

Game on: Barcelona kick off, playing from right to left, work the ball back to their goalkeeper, Victor Valdes, who immediately concedes a throw-in deep inside his own half after being put under pressure by Ronaldo. United's players are dressed in virginal white tonight.

1 min: Brilliant block by Gerard Pique, who stops Park Ji-sung from side-footing home the rebound from a Cristiano Ronaldo free-kick from 30 yards out. Victor Valdes could only parry.

3 min: It's all United very early doors - Barcelona's players aren't being given a moment to settle on the ball.

4 min: "Park! Park! Wherever you may be! You eat dogs in your home country! But it could be worse, you could be Scouse! Eating rats in your council house!" sing the United hordes. For my money, the greatest football chant of all time as it manages to be simultaneously endearing and offensive on a number of levels.

5 min: Rio Ferdinand sends a raking cross-field ball towards Rooney, who traps it perfectly on the left wing. He plays a weighted pass to the byline for Ryan Giggs to chase, but there's a little too much weight on the ball and it rolls wide.

6 min: Cristiano Ronaldo tries his luck from distance, letting fly from about 40 yards. His effort fizzes wide of Valdes' left stick.

8 min: Another shot from Cristiano Ronaldo, who attempts to volley a dropping ball diagonally across the face of goal and into the bottom right hand corner. Wide.

GOAL! Barcelona 1-0 Man United (Eto'o 9) Barcelona land a sucker-punch on United, scoring with their first attack. With alarming ease, Iniesta drifts past Anderson and slips the ball to Eto'o in the right channel. He cuts inside Vidic and toe-pokes the ball past Van der Sar into the botom left-hand corner despite a fruitless last-ditch lunge from Carrick.

10 min: There's no respite for United as Barcelona win a corner on the back of a lazy pass from Vidic. It's sent in from the left and drops nicely for Messi, who swings and misses. United clear. Where's the defending?

12 min: The Barcelona nerves that were evident in the opening 10 minutes have disappeared. Their tails are up and Manchester United's players are the ones who look a bit shell-shocked. The goal came about as a result of very slack play from Anderson, while Vidic, who was left hoirribly exposed, will be very disappointed he let Eto'o get past him so easily.

13 min: Assorted Barcelona midfielders stroke the ball over and back across midifeld, slowly advancing on the United goal. A misplaced pass by Messi allows United to break and Ronaldo goes on the chase after a through ball, where Pique blocks him cynically. He doesn't get booked, but he does concede a free-kick about 28 yards from goal, right of centre.

15 min: Giggs takes the free-kick, sendning it high and wide. Everyone in the wall jumped - there was definitely a case for him to drill it low and hard towards the near post ... although he'd have looked a bit of a chump if he'd pursued thatt particular course of action and those in the wall hadn't jumped.

18 min: Barcelona attack down the right wing, where Samuel Eto'o pulls the ball back to Leo Messi, who pulls the trigger from distance and rifles the ball over the bar. Edwin van der Sar is unhappy with Rio Ferdinand, who was slow about closing the Argentinian down.

20 min: Cristiano Ronaldo waves his hand by way of apology after toe-poking a shot from distance wide when a pass inside to his Wayne Rooney would have been the more sensible option.

21 min: Great diagonal ball from Michael Carrick in the centre-circle, who quarter-backs it towards wide receiver Wayne Rooney on the left flank. He keeps it in play and wins a corner, from which Cristiano Ronaldo heads well over despite slack marking from Barcelona's defenders.

23 min: A quarter of the match gone and it's been very entertaining so far. Barcelona are in the lead, but Manchester United have had more clear-cut scoring chances. Wayne Rooney has been noticably quiet thus far, which is kind of understandable because Cristiano Ronaldio seems determined to win the game single-handedly for Manchester United.

25 min: Barcelona win the ball from Manchester United and show no sign that they're about to give it back any time soon. After a patient build-up in the final third, Xavi tries to thread the ball through United's centre-halves for Messi to run on to, but Rio Ferdinand cuts it out.

26 min: Barca win a free-kick about 30 yards out from goal on the left channel. Xavi curls the ball wide, but not too wide, of Van der Sar's right upright. Even if his effort had been on target, the big Dutchman had it covered.

28 min: "In an email entitled 'Another George classic', correspondent Michael Friel reveals that "acording to the renowned RTE commentator George Hamilton, Barcelona's play is not poetry in motion but 'geometry in motion' ... it's all about the angles you see."

29 min: Half an hour gone and the time has flown by. There's been a few fouls, but nothing serious and no dirty play, diving or maggot-acting. The only penalty shout so far has been a half-hearted one from Manchester United fans when Park Ji-sung was beaten to a through-ball by Victor Valdes, who hoofed it cleanly in to the stands.

32 min: Tip, tap, tip ... tap .. tip .. stroke ... tap ... tip ... languids flick ... ooh laa ... Manchester United throw-in off Thierry Henry.

34 min: Corner for Barcelona. Nemanja Vidic cut out a low, hard cross from the right by Carles Puyol. Thierry Henry was waiting in the centre if the big Serb had missed it.

35 min: From that corner, Barca win another one, from which Vidic just beats the onrushing Pique, getting something, possibly an arm, to the ball and sending it out for a throw-in, from which nothing comes.

36 min: Judging by the number of nerdish, Inspector Logic-type emails in my inbox begnning with: "Excuse me, I think you'll find that in the 13th minute ..." Gerard Pique may have been booked for that block on Ronaldo. It seems the lenses in my spectacles may not have been thick enough for me to notice the flash of yellow.

40 min: Oh crumbs! Busquets (crumbs, Busquets ... geddit?) gives the ball away to Giggs, who sends Park skipping down the right flank, only to be dispossessed by Yaya Toure.

41 min: A promising Barca attack down the left flank comes to naught when Eto'o is beaten to a Lionel Messi pass by Park Ji-sung, who sets off on the counter. Speaking of Park, could the handful of readers who've written in to label me a racist for reproducing the lyrics of an affectionate song Manchester United fans composed about their industrious and much-loved South Korean please stop wringing your hands, moaning and get a life. I'm not a racist and I have nothing against Scousers.

44 min: Messi drills a low ball across the edge of the six-yard box which Van der Sar should gather comfortably but doesn't. He spills the ball from his grasp and Rio Ferdinand is forced to step in hack clear.

Half-time

A brief summary of Sky's half-time analysis, except without the inane interruptions of Jamie Redknapp which are quite evidently a constant source of irritation for Graeme Souness: "Xavi and Iniesta being allowed run the show ... Vidic and Ferdinand frighten me they're so poor ... Giggs now playing as a second striker leaving Barcelona too much room in midfield ... Anderson doing nothing." It's all fair comment, that.

Second half: Manchester United substitution: Anderson off, Carlos Tevez on. Manchester United kick off. Expect Ryan Giggs to play alongside Michael Carrick in the centre of midfield, with Wayne Rooney playing on the right, Park on the left and Tevez and Ronaldo up front.

46 min: During half-time, Souness said that he'd never seen the Manchester United defence look as scared as they do tonight. He added that Vidic and Ferdinand should stop passing the ball back to their goalkeeper all the time, start making braver decisions and try play the ball out of defence. I have to say that I've been quite impressed with his punditry tonight. He's obviously learning well from his stints beside comedy double-act John Giles and Eamon Dunphy on RTE.

48 min: Henry goes close, so very close, for Barcelona, exploiting the massive John O'Shea-shaped hole that was left at the back when United were dispossessed and caught on the break. Henry galloped up the left channel, cut inside Rio Ferdinand and then shot straight at Van der Sar when he had only the keeper to beat from about 10 yards out.

50 min: With Manchester United's players being (a) knackered from chasing shadows all night and (b) having to go for it, Barcelona go close twice more while exploiting the gaping holes being torn in the United defence. Eto'o goes close ... Messi goes close ... then appeals for a penalty when he goes down under a John O'Shea challenge while trying to get on the end of an Eto'o through-ball. Did he get a nudge? I don't know. In all the excitement, I should add that Xavi has also hit the post with a free-kick.

52 min: Barcelona win a free-kick, a couple of yards outside the penalty area, straight in front of goal. Xavi curls it round the wall and Van der Sar puts it out for a corner with a strong left hand. Manchester United are getting their arses handed to them on a plate here.

53 min: Carrick pings the ball towards Rooney on the right touchline and he sends a cross into the penalty area, where ... none of his team-mates are waiting to get on the end of it.

55 min: Rooney sends in another cross from the right. It eludes Ronaldo, who flung himself at it, then Park was beaten by the bounce. A throw-in for Barca which couldn't be deeper inside their own half.

57 min: Stroke … pass … triangle … slide-rule pass … back-heel … tip … tap … slide-rule pass … neat triangle … neat triangle … neat tirangle … through-ball … languid stroke … flick … trap … deft touch … chest … clatter … hoof ... yaroo! Free-kick for Barcelona.

59 min: Cristiano Ronaldo gets caught this much offside while trying to chase a low through-ball down the left flank from Michael Carrick.

60 min: Carrick dinks a ball to the byline for Rooney to chase. Once again, there's too much weight on it and Barca get the goal-kick. The difference between United/Carrick and Barcelona/Iniesta is that the wee Catalan just doesn't make mistakes like that.

62 min: Barcelona concede a corner, which is sent in from the right. The delivery is poor and the ball goes out for a Barcelona throw-in. On the touchline, Dimitar Berbatov is stripping off his tracksuit and receiving instruction from Sir Alex Ferguson. I foresee more goals in this match. I couldn't tell you who'll score them, but I'm pretty confident they're coming.

64 min: Barcelona go forward, working the ball out to Henry on the left. He cuts inside and shoots weakly at Valdes.

65 min: Manchester United substitution: Park off, Berbatov on. Manchester United score an average of one goal every 13 minutes whenever Ronaldo, Berbatov, Tevez and Rooney are on the pitch together. Bear in mind they've only been on the pitch together for about 110 minutes all season.

67 min: "Evening, good game this," writes Alex Warwick. "But you have to say that Tim Lovejoy had a point when he said Barca only have one way of playing. I mean, c'mon, look at this pass ... pass ... move ... move stuff. Useless! The first touch of these Barce players is just so good, but you know that Man U will bag one later on, just to give the idiot Tyldesley something to bang on about."

GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Manchester United (Messi 70) Messi breaks his scoring duck against an English team as John O'Shea stands staring at him with slack-jawed astonishment. After being gifted possession by Evra, the advancing and unimpeded Xavi only has one target to aim at when he sends an inch-perfect cross towards the far post where, unmarked, the diminutive Argentinian leaps on the edge of the six-yard box, contorts in the air, arches his neck backwards and steers a cushioned header across Van der Sar and into the far corner. That is a marvellous goal, but the defending was abysmal.

72 min: Berbatov and Giggs blow excellent opportunities to pull one back for United, with the former volleying wide from the edge of the six yard box after Giggs had won a corner at the end of a goalmouth scramble that should have resulted in a United goal.

73 min: Free-kick for Barcelona on the right flank, between penalty area and touchline. Xavi sends the ball across the edge of the six-yard box, where Puyol is first to it and plants a meaty header straight at Van der Sar. If he'd aimed anywhere else it would have been a goal.

76 min: Barcelona are playing keep-ball, Manchester United's players are still chasing shadows. Some substitution news: Scholes has replaced Giggs on the field and as captain. Henry's gone off for Barcelona but I'm not sure who replaced him.

78 min: An increasingly petulant Cristiano Ronaldo gets booked for a foul on Carles Puyol. Moments later, Scholes joins him in the book for one of his trade-mark lunges on Busquets. He could have had no complaints if he'd been sent off for that.

80 min: Between those bookings, Iniesta wasted an opportunity by picking up the ball on the left, cutting inside and shooting straight at Van der Sar.

81 win: Nine minutes to go and Manchester United need a goal. They finally win possession and manage to hold on to it for a while, which is not something that's happened too often in this half. Their attack breaks down when Evra has to stretch for a pass and clatters into Messi.

82 min: Barcelona go forward again with Iniesta on the ball. He's been the man of the match tonight, without question. His passing is just so unerringly accurate.

84 min: Brilliant play from Barcelona, whose patient passing culminates with them ripping United's defence asunder, leaving a gaping space for Carles Puyol to run into. His attempt to chip the onrushing Van der Sar fails. Good save.

87 min: Berbatov's been leaden-footed of touch, inaccurate of shot and generally worse than useless since coming on - it's time Ferguson cut his losses, admitted buying the Bulgarian was a mistake and got rid of him. Pique, who was more than happy to get rid of last year, covers brilliantly for Yaya Tour, who'd made a mess of a clearance leaving Carlos Tevez clean through on goal.

90 min: There'll be three minutes of injury time. How many of them will Barcelona use up taking this corner?

90+1 min: Manchester United are 2-0 down in injury-time in a Champions League final and their opponents are taking the piss out of them, stroking the ball around the edges of their (the United) penalty area. Their humiliation is complete.

90+2 min: Barcelona substitution: their conductor, Iniesta, makes way for Pedrito.

Peep! Peep! Peep! The excellent referee (credit where it's due, we give them plenty of grief when they make mistakes) Massimo Busacca ends the game and the engraver gets his chisel out to inscribe the big cup: Barcelona, Spain's league and cup double winners, are the new champions of Europe.

Post-match niceties: The celebrations of the Barcelona players are fairly muted, possibly because victory came so easy to them. They bossed Manchester United from the 10th minute on, pressurising them into repeatedly giving the ball away, while Xavi and Iniesta were allowed to do as they pleased in midfield throughout. Just as Barcelona's players aren't celebrating too raucously or wildly, Manchester United's don't look too gutted, probably because they know they were lucky to escape an even more embarrassing hiding.

9.45pm: Sir Alex Ferguson is standing on the pitch looking very dazed and confused. He's been let down by plenty of his big-name players tonight: O'Shea, Vidic, Ferdinand, Evra, Carrick, Anderson, Rooney, Giggs, Berbatov, Scholes ... were all very, very poor.

United collect their runners-up medals: Followed by Ryan Giggs and the troops, Sir Alex Ferguson leads his side up the steps to where a party of dignitaries including Prince William, Michel Platini and Silvio Berlusconi - more of an indignitary - shake their hands.

Barcelona's players go up the red and gold steps surrounding what looks a bit like the bridge of an alien spaceship on Star Trek or Flash Gordon, receive their medals and wait for Carles Puyol to arse his way through the throng ("we're gonna need a bigger stage") and receive the trophy from Michel Platini.

He hoists it into the Rome sky, the ticker-tape cannons explode and Barcelona's players set off on their lap of honour.

Sir Alex speaks: "A bad start for us ... they can keep the ball all night ... we got some half-chances ... we weren't at our best ... to be fair we were beaten by a better team ... the heat didn't bother us, it was a nice night ... cough, splutter ... they defended very well ... we thought we'd be able to get at their back four but we couldn't ... we're still a young team and we can improve from this."

A lot of journalists in England left looking very stupid tonight ... and I'm not one of them. Yahoo! I honestly couldn't believe how many tabloid johnnies and supposed broadsheet behemoths were breezily predicting a win for Manchester United this morning. On what grounds were they basing this nonsense?

A text from my good friend and colleague Scott Murray "Liverpool always win in Rome," he says, archly.

This from Michael Hatcher: "So, those Manchester United finals in full: Benfica 68 - awfully well done; Bayern 99 - played off park for 91 mins, then do a Bolton; Chelsea '08 - win a scrappy affair on pens - just; Barca '09 - played off park by a team with a makeshift defence. Not all that really, is it?"

If you backed Thierry Henry to be the first player to put the trophy on his head, go and collect. Interestingly, Gerard Pique has procured a big pair of scissors from somewhere and is busy cutting up the goal nets. It's not random vandalism, as he's being very methodical and meticulous about it, carefully measuring out squares before snipping. Perhaps he has a basketball hoop in his back garden that needs replacing?

This from Andrew Cummings, who is watching in Spain. "On TV, they've just mentioned (in between the adverts) that seven of the Barcelona starting 11 came through the youth team. Chelsea might like to have a think about that!"

If your name's Patrice Evra, look away now. "Men against boys, as a certain Man Utd defender may have said recently," writes David Junggren.

Corrections and clarifications: "May I point out that Iniesta is not a wee Catalan (60 min) but from Albacete, which is in Castilla La Mancha (yes, like Don Quijote)," writes Alberto Tobias. "He is pretty wee though."

"Their heads are on swivels!" exclaims Jamie Redknapp in Sky central, marvelling at Xavi and Iniesta's ability to see what's going on around them. "Their heads are on swivels!" he repeats. Yes Jamie, their heads are on swivels ... and so is yours. It's called your neck.

Right-oh, that's me done for the night, the tournament and indeed the season. There'll be somebody here for minute-by-minute coverage of the FA Cup final on Saturday afternoon and we'll be recording a Champions League final Football Weekly ... Extra in the morning, which should be up on the site and iTunes some time tomorrow afternoon (depending on how many takes James Richardson needs to nail his intro). Thanks for your time and your emails, I'm off for a drink and a nice lie-down ...