A brood of vipers. – Courtesy of Ryan Nay

Grandview, MO—Bleary-eyed and confused, Aaron Kenwick (23) awoke Thursday morning to find himself in bed, not the bosom of Abraham like he had expected. “Fuuuuuuu,” Aaron mumbled to himself. “Now I have to return the 2017 Dodge Viper GTS Coupe I got last month.” Making sure to recite The Lord’s Prayer, Aaron had gone to bed expecting the return of Christ sometime between 2:30 and 4:45 a.m. “My dad told our congregation that the rapture was going to happen on the 27th. I thought if the Good Lord was coming in three weeks, I could buy a nice, fast car with $0 down and use it before having to make a single payment.”

Aaron also said he went to Chipotle for the last 19 days straight, but produced a handful of receipts from the car’s console to prove his purchases. “Stealing is a sin and I couldn’t risk not getting raptured. It’s not like I could return the Chipotle if the rapture didn’t happen. I mean, I kinda did return it, but you know,” Aaron remarked.

He is still undecided on what car he will get once his father announces the revised Judgement Day from the pulpit. “I should also probably get tested for STDs,” he admitted.