Romelu Lukaku has called his £90m transfer to Manchester United “the perfect opportunity for revenge” on the man he blames for stalling his career. Speaking at his unveiling, Lukaku revealed plans to repeatedly sabotage United’s season until the club lose patience and hand Jose Mourinho his P40.

“At Chelsea, Mourinho continually snubbed me, humiliated me, and criticised me in the press for not being as effective or as handsome as Didier Drogba,” Lukaku told FourFourTwo. “Well now it’s payback time.



“I see myself as the rock upon which our attacks will founder and break up,” he continued. “I will develop several niggling injuries, a weight problem and chronic positional indiscipline, to fill the gap left by Wayne Rooney.



“Moving to a new club and sabotaging it from within is never easy, but I’ve always backed myself to succeed at every challenge, including failure.

“If Jose picks me, it’s 10 against 12 every game. If he doesn’t, he’s wasted the thick end of a hundred million on me, a Dong Fangzhuo for a post-truth age.”

Back of the Net Rooney reminds Everton fans of brevity of youth



Lukaku confirmed that once Mourinho was forced out, he would immediately start banging in the goals.

“It’s nothing personal with Manchester United,” the Belgian star added. “It’s entirely personal with Jose. When I start scoring for fun, it will make him look even worse in retrospect. He’ll be gone by Christmas, I’ll score two goals a game between January and May and move for £200 million to PSG this time next year.



“Where hopefully Jose Mourinho will be in charge and I will destroy his career all over again.”

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, clearly.

More funny stuff • New features you’d love