REDMOND, WA–Continuing its commitment to be about 75% as good as Apple, Microsoft has announced that their CEO, Satya Nadella, will be more or less gay by the second quarter of 2015. The move comes after a universally-lauded announcement by Apple CEO Tim Cook, who is completely gay and proud.

“Unfortunately it’s just too close to the end of the year to achieve my gayness target by the Christmas season,” said Nadella. “But I know I can get there by next year.”

Nadella compared himself and his sexuality to the feature-lacking Windows Mobile OS, which works as a phone just like an iPhone, but has far less application support, and can’t even play music over USB. He was cagey about Microsoft’s metrics for achieving satisfactory partial gayness, but did say that he was willing to kiss male stockholders on the mouth right now as a show of good faith.

Apple CEO Tim Cook was appalled. “I really don’t think that’s going to work,” said Cook. “But Microsoft has always been oblivious to existing standards and gone ahead anyway, right?”