I'm a 22-year-old university student. My partner of six months has been busy and we've never managed to find time to spend an evening together. I've been asked to leave her place on many occasions; on account of a headache, too much work, being tired, a family member being ill, a friend being dead. The list is endless. However two nights ago, completely unannounced, she decided to visit me, making it clear that now she was ready to stay the evening. We ended up in my bedroom and she jumped on me. However, after 10 minutes the smart aleck in me reared its head; I told her I had a headache and that she should book a taxi. Supposedly this makes me gay. Have I done something wrong?

I like your sense of humour, and I can understand your desire to retaliate after being rejected so many times yourself, but if you want to be sexual with this woman you have to choose between being a smart aleck and a lover. Overwork, fatigue, sadness and loss do actually reduce sexual desire, but more importantly, many women need time to trust a person enough to allow intimacy, so her excuses may have been due to fear and not being ready. Many women first need to emotionally bond with a partner, so try to be understanding.

Your actions do not, of course, make you gay, but I imagine it was quite difficult for you to suddenly be expected to switch roles from pursuer to pursued. Some men are uncomfortable when women initiate, but remember she was seeking to avoid losing the element of control that, at this point, she seems to need.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

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