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Anonymous







As my mom has aged, I've come to enjoy her company less and less. She gets prickly when we disagree on anything, and is generally judgmental (although not particularly toward me) and growing more and more petty. I am mourning our previous relationship, and feel horrible that my children could ever feel this way about me. If your mom is like this, how do you maintain your relationship?

Anonymous







Sort of. My mom is annoying, difficult to get along with, and can't have any conversation without turning it into an argument, making a mean joke which she thinks is funny, or losing her temper. I also know it's not completely her fault. Over the years we've kind of pieced together that my mom may have been on the autism spectrum - certainly some of her behavior is textbook - but in her time nobody tested you for that.



So as an adult I understand that she might not be able to help some things. She does have a good heart at the bottom of it all, but I definitely avoid her company to this day. I feel bad, but I feel drained being around her. And annoyed.



What I do is spoil her with things I know she always wanted but could never have - just a bit of leisure, being able to travel, that kind of thing. She and my father are old now and I told DH when we were engaged that every month I'd set aside some of my salary and save it to splurge on my parents, and he agreed. So I feel able to be a good daughter by taking care of my disagreeable mom financially.



She is genuinely touched by my actions, enjoys feeling loved, and understands why I avoid her, even though I know it hurts her.

Anonymous







I couldn't. As of this past April it's been a year since we've talked. Much healthier for me this way. I also had to do a lot of mourning, of the relationship I thought we'd have.



I spent my childhood so excited to grow up and become friends with my mother and to find out I couldn't really broke my heart. But as the months pass, I get the urge to call or tell her something less and less often.

Anonymous







I feel the exact same way you do OP.

K love my mom but do not look forward to depending time with her. It makes me sad.

Anonymous







Yes, you described its essence perfectly. Love her, but she drives me nuts and spending time with her is like chewing on ground glass.



It helps me a lot that I have a husband who is (1) extremely patient with both of us and (2) helps me see the humor in her behavior.

Anonymous







Children learn what they live. As they watch your relationship with your mother, you are setting the stage for how they will normalize a relationship with you in the future.

Anonymous







Anonymous wrote: Children learn what they live. As they watch your relationship with your mother, you are setting the stage for how they will normalize a relationship with you in the future.



I worry about this too. But I'm not able to do anything else. I worry about this too. But I'm not able to do anything else.

Anonymous







I can't stand my mom. It's been this way since I was a teen unfortunetly. Lots of deep issues that won't be fixed.

Anonymous







Ending my relationship with her now, actually. Wish things were different, of course.

Anonymous







Anonymous wrote: Children learn what they live. As they watch your relationship with your mother, you are setting the stage for how they will normalize a relationship with you in the future. [/quot



So tickets for big old guilt trip available?

Anonymous







Anonymous wrote: Children learn what they live. As they watch your relationship with your mother, you are setting the stage for how they will normalize a relationship with you in the future.



First off OP, I am going through the same exact thing and I really struggle. My mom has always been difficult and now she can be downright mean and say cruel, weird things. She is also very negative.



To the PP, if that is true, and I'm not sure it's quite that simple, then my children are learning the lesson that after a lifetime of being self-absorbed and making everyone else's life difficult, you may find yourself isolated in old age.



I still engage with my mother, still see her several times a month, sometimes more, she still has lots of visits with my kids, but I no longer feel the same connection to her that I did when I was younger. Visits with her leave me quite exhausted and stressed because of her behavior and my having to curtail my reactions.



So, OP you have my total sympathy. Do your duty but don't sacrifice you or your children. First off OP, I am going through the same exact thing and I really struggle. My mom has always been difficult and now she can be downright mean and say cruel, weird things. She is also very negative.To the PP, if that is true, and I'm not sure it's quite that simple, then my children are learning the lesson that after a lifetime of being self-absorbed and making everyone else's life difficult, you may find yourself isolated in old age.I still engage with my mother, still see her several times a month, sometimes more, she still has lots of visits with my kids, but I no longer feel the same connection to her that I did when I was younger. Visits with her leave me quite exhausted and stressed because of her behavior and my having to curtail my reactions.So, OP you have my total sympathy. Do your duty but don't sacrifice you or your children.

Anonymous









Yes.



Her personality is narcissistic and she lives in total denial that her actions have any sort of consequence.



Before I was a teen, she would fight with my father and get me on her side. As an adolescent, I started seeing how manipulative and self-centered she was, and how she would use guilt to force me, and close family members, into doing all kinds of things of her (she is motor-disabled). Whenever I would rationally conclude that my father was right and she was wrong, she would throw a fit and accuse us of plotting against her.



Whenever she wasn't nagging or having hysterics, she would be charming and very nurturing. Her mood could change in the blink of an eye. She would say very hurtful things and then accuse me of being too sensitive if I called her on it. And try to pass it off as joke. Or get angry if I persisted in saying that she shouldn't say things like that.

I left as soon as I could, across the Atlantic.



Two years ago, she said something so egregious that DH and I considered cutting her off entirely. We didn't, but limited contact. A few weeks ago, she declared having NO recollection of saying anything like that. Sigh. Same old, same old.



The secret to dealing with narcissistic personality disorders or borderline personality disorders like that is to try to distance oneself emotionally. Whatever she says, I should just say "Hmm, mmm" and let it go. It's incredibly hard. I'm always expecting some semblance of rational thought.





Anonymous









Oh, one more thing.



My children, 4 and 9, are not strongly attached to her - they "feel" how unbalanced she is, they see how she annoys me. But it's very clear in my family and DH's family that elderly parents are taken care of, however strangely they behave. The trick is to see to their needs but detach.





Anonymous







Anonymous wrote: Children learn what they live. As they watch your relationship with your mother, you are setting the stage for how they will normalize a relationship with you in the future.



New poster. My children are learning how to deal with someone who is manipulative and difficult. And incredibly passive aggressive. And needy. And they are learning from me to be direct and upfront and not enter into a Kabuki dance of no boundaries and passive aggression.



This morning mom calls because we requested having a family cake night for her 80th birthday. DH and DD are already on their way to pick up a personalized cake for her.



Mom: Maybe you'd rather not have a cake. Maybe you'd rather have a pie. Or cupcakes. Or maybe you'd rather have desert at a restaurant.

Me: Mom, we've told you exactly what we want -- a family gathering with a cake for you. If that's not what YOU want, please say so. But we've been very up front about what we want.

Mom: No no, I want the cake, I just want you to have plenty of options. Maybe you'd like something different.

Me: Mom, we've been clear about our wants. Why would we want something different?



Now, my sons heard this entire conversation over speakerphone. What are we "setting the stage for" as far as "normalizing" a relationship with me in the future? Being direct? Being upfront? Or being like their grandmother? New poster. My children are learning how to deal with someone who is manipulative and difficult. And incredibly passive aggressive. And needy. And they are learning from me to be direct and upfront and not enter into a Kabuki dance of no boundaries and passive aggression.This morning mom calls because we requested having a family cake night for her 80th birthday. DH and DD are already on their way to pick up a personalized cake for her.Mom: Maybe you'd rather not have a cake. Maybe you'd rather have a pie. Or cupcakes. Or maybe you'd rather have desert at a restaurant.Me: Mom, we've told you exactly what we want -- a family gathering with a cake for you. If that's not what YOU want, please say so. But we've been very up front about what we want.Mom: No no, I want the cake, I just want you to have plenty of options. Maybe you'd like something different.Me: Mom, we've been clear about our wants. Why would we want something different?Now, my sons heard this entire conversation over speakerphone. What are we "setting the stage for" as far as "normalizing" a relationship with me in the future? Being direct? Being upfront? Or being like their grandmother?