Last night, I got to say goodbye to my best friend. This is one of the most vivid dreams I have ever experienced. Ben was hurting, he was sick. His death was approaching…

The dream started off with Ben and I visiting this beautiful mountain area to watch the sunset, we took pictures and “released” something into the water below us. I can’t remember what it was. But I had a picture of the landscape. Later in the dream, we were looking at the photo in his bed, and that’s when he told me he was scheduled to die. It had something to do with his stomach. He never said exactly what it was that was killing him. He would just hold his stomach and tell me “it was coming”. He told me he was scheduled to die with the assistance of the hospital on a certain day. The specifics of this day were never said. I just knew it was coming “soon”.

When he was in the hospital, I stayed and visited with him. We laid on his bed together and held each other and cried. It wasn’t a normal hospital bed either, it was a king size bed with plaid blankets. They were dark red and blues. The room was dull and the atmosphere had this ambient glow, almost like it was lit by an old gas lamp.

There was some super dressy pageant going on downstairs in the hospital that we were all a part of. It was almost like it was supposed to be some ritual for him to pass over. But I’m just making an assumption on that part. We all had to participate in the pageant. It was hard for me the entire time. I could barely get dressed up because I was so sad. Ben was a part of the pageant, but at the same time, he wasn’t. He would show up during some parts, but other times he was back in his hospital room upstairs. When he was back in his room, I just wanted to be with him. I felt like I was losing time to be with him because he was going to die soon. It was frustrating when I couldn’t be with him because I had to get ready for the pageant. I don’t even understand the relevance or symbolism of this pageant. I just know it was something that annoyed me because it was distancing me from being with Ben.

There was some extra stuff we had to do, like homework almost. My mom ended up doing the worksheets for me so I could focus on being with Ben and getting dressed for the pageant.

The scene of us at the beautiful mountain spot kept appearing. Whenever it would show up, it would feel like an old dream I was revisiting this dream. Almost like I’ve had this dream months ago before he died. You know? Like I felt like I had been there before. The location was a spot not too far from his house, but it was in the mountains, and he didn’t live in the mountains. We just kept switching from the hospital bed to that scene. And then all of the sudden we were just three days away from his death. We exchanged goodbye gifts for one another, he and I had some special symbolic collection of things but I can’t remember what they were. I just know they meant a lot to both of us. I do remember he gave me a suitcase full of his clothes but there was also a reusable grocery bag with books and things inside of it. I can’t remember what I gave him and I don’t remember any specifics about the stuff he gave me.

During the final three days, I would visit him in his room and hold him. Then I would go back downstairs and prepare for the pageant, and go back to visit him. This was a lot of my dream. Just a reoccurrence of me visiting him upstairs and going back down to prepare for the pageant. Sometimes he would be asleep and I would have to wake him up. But he never got upset, he was always happy to see me. And in between all these visits to him and the pageant, I would randomly make a trip back to the mountain spot with him.

He was in pain the last couple days and I could see that he was scared. But he wasn’t terrified. He was in an almost complacent state. It’s like he knew he was going to die, but he was okay with it. We were both upset that we only had a little time together. We just held each other. We watched some TV, I don’t remember what we were watching but I do remember the image of the mountain place would come up every once and awhile and we would talk about the thing we “released” in the water. I still don’t remember what it was we were releasing.

On his last day, the nurses came in a said it was time to prepare Ben for his final day. They told me I had to leave while they prepared him, but I could come back afterward. Ben stood up and we held each other and hugged by the door for a couple minutes. It was one of those hugs where you feel each other breath and you know both of you are thinking the same thing. No one pulled away, we just stood there hugging. When we separated, we looked into each other’s eyes with that look. That look of sorrow and sadness. That look where you know something bad is going to happen. When we pulled away, there was a hospital guard right next to us with a disapproving look on his face and he just gestured his head towards the exit side of the hallway, hinting at me to leave.

That was the last hug I got from Ben in that dream. Even though the doctor said I would be able to come back.

After the hug, I went back downstairs to participate in the pageant. Ben was there and he stood beside me. Neither of us was prepared for any of the sections. We didn’t have an act prepared or a costume to wear during some weird Halloween section of the show. When they told us to stand in the correct order, we continued to stand next to each other even though it wasn’t where we supposed to stand. No one seemed to notice though, even when we weren’t wearing the right costumes. When they announced the winner, I was sure they would pick me because they felt sympathy for me. I could hear whispers from the crowd “she’ll probably get picked because of Ben,” but I didn’t want to get picked. The judges ended up picking two other people and Ben. And for some reason, I was confused because I didn’t think men could win. Then I just remember being excited and I was in the crowd and I woke up. And that was it for that part of the dream. But then I went back to sleep and something else happened.

I woke up a couple times during this dream but I would force myself to go back to sleep and re-enter the dream. After the final time I woke up from this particular dream, I forced myself back asleep again. This time, the dream was different. I was on the way to Washington DC, the place where I originally found out about Ben’s death. I was really frustrated on the way there. I was by myself and in my car that’s pretty crappy with dead tags. I kept having to pull over and find stuff. I had to pull over a couple times for the directions and then once for my Airbnb confirmation papers. Those papers were hidden inside the suitcase he gave me full of his clothes. They were inside a folder full of my plans for the pageant. It was like a bunch of drawing of dresses and random ideas for my show. I didn’t think anything of it in the dream, I just remember thinking that Ben’s clothes were really soft. I pulled out some brown boxers and socks. Then I tossed the folder back in and zipped up the suitcase and drove back to the interstate and woke up from the dream for the actual final time.

When I woke up, I had to remember that Ben actually didn’t die in the hospital. That he actually passed away in a car accident a couple weeks ago. And that I didn’t actually get to say goodbye like I did in the dream. For a second, I thought “oh good, it was just a dream” and then I remembered, no wait, it was a dream but Ben is still dead.