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Colored pens, not noticing the waiter bringing your food, an update on Count Dankula, Mister Metokur calls in, 20 questions on checkout, brand new car door dings, AM I BEING DETAINED, Larry’s poop chip, dating with HSV2, a studio-only towel, an animatronic pile of failure, punchable voices, the Manifest Observable Behavior rule or M.O.B. rule for short, diaper furries and degeneracy, escape rooms, 97%, losing a thumb, and girls not understanding deep philosophical ish; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

We live in a privileged time. Some day, scientists, who are always lying to us, will invent a pen that writes not merely in pink or sky blue or a color of silver that they call “Indecipherable” because it looks pretty much the same as the fucking paper, but they will invent a pen that writes in actual sound; like a Mortimer Ichabod marker, but sold in packs of 10,000. Or maybe the pens will write in emojis, or pictures of food, and you think you’ll just ignore it, but you won’t be able to, my friends, because chicks will buy a zillion of them. Your house will be so packed full of pens that are fucked, you’ll have no choice but to use them. You’ll sign checks with a pen that can only write Maya Angelou poems, you’ll carry a to-do list into Home Depot that looks like /r/awww, you’ll sign your will with a pen that adds a hashtag to everything. You’ll be doing Picture Pages with Bill Cosby and you all day every day, except not with Bill Cosby, it’ll be some smug, dickless look-a-like when they reboot Picture Pages to wash the taste of quaaludes out of everyone’s mouth, but who also totally sucks to watch–probably Trevor Noah, and I’ll rage about that too, but first…

If Christianity wants a revival in the 21st century and beyond, they should rename the Bible to the “Terms of Service”, since apparently everyone on the internet worships those. If the mighty power of Top Autism was a Death Star, the exhaust port no bigger than a womp rat that leads to its immediate destruction is an amorphously worded byline on a document no one reads that says “we reserve the right to do whatever the fuck we want”.

I get it, private companies can do whatever they want. I can scream “Am I being detained!?” louder than any Sovereign Citizen. I’m such an anarcho-capitalist edgelord, I keep TWO copies of Hitler’s best speeches on my nightstand and I’ve got a picture of Ross Perot between them in case anyone thinks I’m LARPing. I’m such a free-market capitalist that I give a reasonable answer every time I’ve been drunkenly asked, “Dude, how much money would it take for you to suck a guy’s dick?” Companies can do whatever they want. Twitter, Facebook, Patreon, Hobby Lobby, the cake bakery that didn’t want to bake a cake for gay couples, Walmart, Denny’s, can do whatever they want, service whomever they want, provide any benefits they want, enter into any contracted wage agreement with non-coerced private labor for however much they want, hire based on any criteria that they want–oh wait, so what can private companies do again?

The day a doctors office has a Now Hiring sign that says “Asians Only” and Uber has a Now Hiring app that says “Absolutely No Asians”, is the day that I’m okay with social media and commerce companies banning users over their political opinions, which are similar. We’d like to think our politics spontaneously burst forth from the ego-driven meat machine between our ears like Athena, but they don’t. They’re based on our backgrounds, so when do they get protected? Obviously, I would not patronize a business that did either of the above. I don’t want to buy any cakes, let alone cake from a store who doesn’t serve gay people, but at least it’s a world in which private companies can “do what they want”. The world we are in instead is one where companies, courts, and con-artists play social activist with one hand while shoving the rules in your face with the other, virtue-signaling to morons with too much free-attention on their hands as their stocks collapse the same way cigarette companies have and always will advertise to children–because private companies can do whatever they want.

Here is the CEO of Patreon commenting on the “Manifest Observable Behavior Rule”, or MOB rule for short, and how it applies to Lauren Southern’s Patreon getting dumped into the virtual garbage. To appease the Acolytes of TOS-trianism, I get it. Lauren was on a boat in the middle of the night shouting. I’ve watched Whale Wars. I understand how excited people can get doing nothing on the high seas. It’s called Sea Madness. Homer talks about it in The Odyssey. More importantly, I watch this video, and I wonder how far “maintains a rape list” would go with this guy, and if the M.O.B. rule applies to any of the embarrassing things I’ve done while under Sea or any other type of Madness. After all, I have already received “Not a Warning”.



And to wash that taste out of your ears, here are some of my favorite Mister Metokur videos.



Elay Arson just released a NEW ALBUM! Billboard charting artist Asterios Kokkinos is featured briefly on track 7, called The Digital Cyber Demon. He’ll be in the studio next week to celebrate his birthday.

Rites of the Damned by Elay Arson

Multi-colored thumbnail of rage by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



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