Thursday

Carlton vs. Richmond (MCG) 7.20pm All times AEDT

Oh, it’s good to be back. I missed you, did you miss me? No? Alright then, let’s move on.

Having the AFL Women’s League helped a lot to get me through the last few months. It was enjoyable both from a viewing sense and having its existence upset the people you always want to upset.

Seeing women play football also got me thinking that women could do other jobs in society. Why one day, we might even have female doctors, pilots and even CEOs! I know it sounds crazy.

The season as always kicks off with a traditional light comedy and both these teams’ seasons are on the line.

Carlton’s season isn’t even on the line. Apparently, it’s already over without starting, like a summer romance I thought was happening to me but turned out the person coming over regularly was just an Uber Eats driver that covers my area.

It is possible the Blues are not as bad as everyone says, but it’s more likely that they are.

They’ve got all the players GWS didn’t want, a key midfielder that would prefer to be in Adelaide and a guy who once robbed a teammates house as a prank, only to get an old lady’s house and ended up being arrested by the SWAT team.

This list, however, does mean they’re a real chance to beat Richmond.

Mick Malthouse recently wrote the Tigers off, which means I’ll be not so secretly barracking for them this year.

The Damien Hardwick farewell tour does kick off with what looks like a pretty easy win, but Tigers fans know that this just makes it a danger game.

A loss here and the Tigers will be under more pressure than, well the 2016 Tigers.

Personally, I think they’ll win this one, but it does feel a bit like getting back on a rollercoaster when it comes to Richmond.

Friday

Collingwood vs. Western Bulldogs (MCG) 7.50pm

For the first time, it will be Travis Cloke’s job to engineer a Collingwood loss and not just a fun side hobby.

The Pies season has already got off to a bad start with Jordan De Goey lying to the coach after breaking his hand in a bar fight.

Lying to Nathan Buckley is going to make things awkward for him, and he will have to wait for a few rounds before he gets a new coach and a fresh start.

Unlike Jeremey Howe, De Goey made the cardinal sin of not using a Frisbee in his story.

It just adds to the problems the Pies have already got, like accidentally giving Daniel Wells a three-year $1.8 million deal in the offseason or hiring then firing Gubby Allan or well, just about everything they’re doing.

Going into this they have no back or forward line, with Jamie Elliot out this week.

Only having a midfield could make winning games difficult. They’re two-thirds short of a football team. An engine without a car.

The Bulldogs won the premiership last year; you may have missed that as it didn’t get a lot of coverage.

They won off the back of a lot of young players, so it’s hard to see them going backwards. The question seems to be how much other teams like the Giants and Swans have improved.

They also need to worry about teams figuring them out and wanting to now prove themselves against the premiers, but like someone who worries about what extras to get on their new Aston Martin, these are good problems to have.

They will be fine here.

Saturday

Sydney vs. Port Adelaide (SCG) 4.35pm

With Port Adelaide now focused on conquering China and not other AFL teams, Sydney should get their season off to a good start.

When Elon Musk tweeted that he could fix the Power in 100 days or it was free, David Koch and Ken Hinkley must have been overjoyed.

It turns out that he was talking about South Australia’s electricity grid, which despite being a complex, expensive piece of infrastructure suffering decades of neglect, is apparently easier to fix than the Port Adelaide Football Club.

Sydney came so close last year, and they are still a very young team. How young? Well one of their players, Isaac Heeney is out with glandular fever. Don’t be surprised if some of their players miss games due to orthodontist appointments or their voice breaking.

When I was at school, I was told you got glandular fever from kissing girls, which makes you wonder what Heeney, an unmarried man has been up to. No kissing before marriage I always say, mainly due to the fact no one has ever wanted to kiss me.

The Swans though might not even be the best team in NSW this year. Imagine an all Sydney Grand Final? The city of Melbourne would declare a day of mourning. It would almost be worth it for the reaction, the total breakdown of society in Victoria, Walking Dead style.

Sydney to get it done here.

St Kilda vs. Melbourne (ES) 4.35pm

The Saints have beaten the Demons 14 times in a row, which is making me begin to wonder if a trend is forming.

The other possibility is Melbourne have been intentionally lulling the Saints into a false sense of security, only to spring the trap shut for a famous Round One victory.

As everyone knows, premierships are won in Round One, and a win here would more than makeup for all that heartache. He obviously plays a long game does Simon Goodwin.

The other concern for Melbourne is that they play Etihad worse than Josh Lawson plays Paul Hogan.

The Dees, like the Saints, are a team on the rise. The past doesn’t matter, only the future does. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

St Kilda has been trialling ‘the controversy-free offseason’ for a few years now. What it lacks in entertainment value it makes up for in results on the field.

They had a small crack at creating some news over the break with Luke Dunstan being detained by police for falling asleep in a public place. He even rang the club to alert them and didn’t bother inventing a story involving a dog to cover it up, he weirdly just told the truth.

It’s arguably the lamest controversy in the history of the game and shows how far a club that once led the league in off-field scandals has fallen.

I think the Saints will get up here, but unlike previous years, I won’t drop my bundle on the Dees, it is, after all, a long season. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Gold Coast vs. Brisbane (MS) 7.25pm

Last year, Brisbane had no AFL team, and in the off season, they seem to have lost an AFL ground too. Not since Jonathan Brown was in a Lions jumper has someone caused as much damage on the Gabba as Adele apparently did.

It means the curtain raiser to this will be the AFL Women’s Grand Final and it will be good for these two men’s teams to see some athletes go around before they give the game a go.

Brisbane has decided that experimenting with red headed coaches is too dangerous and new coach Chris Fagan brings not only his experiences from Hawthorn but some much needed grey hair.

That’s important, because it means he won’t appear to age as much as this year sucks the love of football out of him.

The Suns are a great unknown this year. In Lynch and May they have two powerful key position players, and if they can stay healthy they have talent, but the Gold Coast have such a poor history with injuries that I’m surprised Collingwood didn’t offer them a three-year, $1.8 million deal in the offseason.

I’m tipping the Suns here and the Lions in the AFLW Grand Final.

Essendon vs. Hawthorn (MCG) 7.25pm

Like an STD, the Essendon saga won’t go away, but at least it’s now just the occasional flare up and not the open wound it was for the last four years.

The excitement of having the players THAT HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG (despite exhaustive legal proceeding finding the opposite) should boost what was a fatigued and undermanned team last year.

I guess we are all getting a bit sick of the saga now and personally I’d like to see the Bombers return to just being another footy club but it appears some Essendon people are like Hiroo Onoda, the Japanese soldier who didn’t know World War Two was over until 1974. Their constant leaking of no real new news seems an odd way to support the club in its efforts to get back on its feet.

I’m not predicting any major success this year for Essendon but in this even competition who knows? Worsfold has said he’ll prioritise youth over experience, which seems to suggest he knows where this club is at, it’s developing.

Hawthorn are another great unknown. After their off-season accidental fire sale, they’ve either lost the plot, or they’re one step ahead of the competition again. My view is that with Clarkson as coach they’re always going to be there about, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see them on the lower part of the top eight this year.

On a positive note, which I like to throw in occasionally to keep you all off balance, it’s heart-warming to see Jarryd Roughead back playing. I even allowed myself a few moments to think kind thoughts about Hawthorn when his comeback was announced, a period that is now officially over.

The Hawks to win this one.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. West Coast (ES) 1.10pm

North Melbourne got younger in the off season, something few of us can say and their challenge this year is to work out who wins the car in the raffle.

Last year, the Kangaroos forgot to play the second half of the season, a rather embarrassing memory lapse but common in old people. While this younger side might have better memories, it’s hard to believe they can play better footy.

Todd Goldstein’s injury concerns are worrying; they’re a much more potent side when he’s playing. I think this list has the potential to one day be good, just not this year. They might surprise us, though, maybe all those old guys were holding back a tidal wave of talent. Or not.

West Coast had some tough news that Nic Naitanui is out for the season. A huge blow that makes me think they’ll find it tough to go the whole way. On the plus side, they picked up Sam Mitchell, but they did have to give up pick 88 for him.

Mitchell saw an opportunity to not only transition into a coaching role with the Eagles but to boost his frequent flyer points. It means the Eagles midfield should be feared and not just because Mitchell will be running around kneeing everyone.

I’m tipping the Eagles here.

Adelaide vs. Greater Western Sydney (AO) 3.20pm

The 2017 Premiers travel to Adelaide in what is surely just a formality along the road to their coronation.

Yes, Mike Fitzpatrick and Andrew Demetriou’s baby is all grown up, and it is a monster. As well as possessing dangerous forwards, a great backline and an alarmingly good midfield, they have better lies than everyone else.

Yes, Stevie J told everyone he broke his hand reaching for a phone in a bag, and unlike De Goey, everyone just smiled knowingly and moved on.

Johnson knew that for a lie to be believable, it should be so silly that people just can’t believe you would make it up. That’s the veteran smarts he brings to this team.

Are the Giants the lock everyone thinks they are? Probably but they could also be the Greg Norman of the AFL, choking when it matters.

Adelaide have the chance of having a great season, partially because they have a good team and partly because they’ll just enjoy watching Port Adelaide’s comedic efforts in China.

They go into this game with injury clouds over Taylor Walker and Rory Sloane.

Sloane got a fractured eye socket over the offseason in an intra-club match, and it’s always a worry when good looking people get hit in the face.

There should be harsher penalties based on looks in my opinion, even if it was a teammate.

“The hit was Intentional, Severe and to a head rate a nine.”

The AFL need to protect their marketable players better.

I’m tipping the Giants but mainly because of those injuries. The Crows should have a good year I expect, although I’ll deny I ever wrote this if they don’t.

Nat Fyfe vs. Patrick Dangerfield (DS) 7.40pm

Watching Patrick Dangerfield and Nat Fyfe go at it against each other is one of life’s great pleasures, up there with drinking, eating too much mac and cheese and watching a friend fail.

Fyfe returns to a team that only played the first five rounds of last year before deciding it was all too hard and sent their players off for surgery or whatever else they needed.

In good news for Freo fans, Ross Lyon hasn’t tweeted ahead of this season, which is an excellent sign, after last year’s pre-season tweet ‘Strap yourselves in” turned out to be less ‘get excited’ and more ‘prepare for an emergency landing’.

Can the Dockers bounce back? Well, most things do if they fall as far as Freo did last year.

Geelong, on the other hand, keeps being told they’re too reliant on their two stars, Patrick Dangerfield and Joel ‘Days of Thunder’ Selwood.

Selwood’s lead foot lost the Cats a major sponsor in the TAC, making his speeding fine the largest in history.

Are the Cats too reliant on their two stars? Well, yes but if you’re going to rely on two, they’re the two you’d want. The Cats just need some youth to come along a bit quicker, and they could build on last year. I mean, if relying on just two stars gets you to a Preliminary Final, it’s hardly a disastrous position to be in. How many clubs have three or four stars and didn’t even get that far?

That’s the thing about this year, is so many clubs are in a position where a case could be made for them to be great or to plummet down the ladder, it makes it very exciting. Like, Christmas Eve for sports fans exciting.

You get excited because you don’t know what you’re going to get, except for Brisbane and Carlton fans who know they’re getting socks.

I’m tipping Geelong in this game and can’t wait to get started. Round one is here, no one has lost yet, we all have misplaced hope and no clue what’s going to happen.

Ah, footy, never go away again.

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