Well it’s finally happened, and I’m surprised it took this long. Now the lonely women of the world can have their very own sparkly vampire wiener, and without the challenge of having to bite their lips and look alluringly constipated. That’s because a company called Tantus is marketing, yes, a Twilight dildo, called “The Vamp,” which sparkles in the sunlight and can be refrigerated to mimic that “ice-cold-vampire-penis” feel. No word on whether you have to read 1100 pages of elementary-school level drivel before you actually stick it in you.

Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes it will.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.

(*slow clap*) Bra-vo, Mr. Twilight-Dildo Copywriter Guy, bra-vo.

Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling out to you in the night. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.

“Yes, for the full experience, take your Twilight dildo for a spin on a sunny day. Heck, keep your curlers and bathrobe on, because who even cares anymore? Screw the neighbors, it’s your front yard.”

Do you want to hear some customer testimonials? I’ll answer that for you: you want to hear some customer testimonials.

Not as sparkly as I thought it would be but it’s a nice toy. Large head, the shaft tapers.. Wonderful texture and no smell.

No smell, thank God. There’s nothing worse than a dildo that smells like a lonely chick’s pussy. And by “pussy” I of course mean cat pee.

I very much enjoy The Vamp. This is my first and only dildo and so worth it. I use it with my Hello Kitty vibrator for extra fun. Its true it may not sparkle as well as shown but after you try it out, you won’t really care. Great price for quality silicone too!

Do you hear your customers’ complaints, Tantus? You may have to roll out an improved sparkle formula. Get your CEO on TV to spread the word. Just like that Domino’s guy. “Beck from Wichita Falls? I want you to know that this is unacceptable.” (*holds up polaroid of non-sparkling vampire dildo*)

I was very impressed with the quality of this shaft. However, I was very disappointed in the lack of sparkle the item has. I have as much sparkle in mine as this one does :- ]. I opened it thinking they sent the wrong color then I went outside and tried comparing to the video. It was not even close! My neighbors were looking at me kind of funny though!!

That one was from a user named Nicholas, whom I assume is a gay man.

What I really wanted was an ice-cold penis in my needy vag, so I put it in the fridge. I put it in the fridge, and it froze to my labia for an hour. Mind you, I came like a geiser, but it was very awkward to explain to my dog.

I swear I didn’t write that, but I wish I did. This is an actual user testimonial that they left on the manufacturer’s website, by the way.

– This will probably be more successful than when they released the toy story themed dildos. Although the thought of buzz lightyear and woody going balls deep in my anus was pretty appealing – I’m used to having sex with corpses, but this just makes the experience so much more enjoyable! [via Tantus – probably NSFW]

This toy really has everything. For lonely women and gays, a Pattinson-themed silicon wiener. For the rest of us, a new website to troll. Ahh, I love the smell of glittery dildo in the morning. It smells like… dicktory.