review of

Eric Idle's The Road to Mars

by tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE - August 27, 2018





I stopped watching TV when I was 16. That wd've been 1969 or 1970. I've never regretted it. At the time, options were limited & having a favorite TV show meant sitting in front of the Boob Tube at the only time of the day that that show was on. Its schedule regulated yr life. Options have expanded since then. One can probably check out most shows via one's computer or cable or brain surgery at whatever date &

review of

Eric Idle's The Road to Mars

by tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE - August 27, 2018





I stopped watching TV when I was 16. That wd've been 1969 or 1970. I've never regretted it. At the time, options were limited & having a favorite TV show meant sitting in front of the Boob Tube at the only time of the day that that show was on. Its schedule regulated yr life. Options have expanded since then. One can probably check out most shows via one's computer or cable or brain surgery at whatever date & time one damn well pleases. I don't care. I STILL don't watch TV.



Monty Python's Flying Circus hit the Boob Tube in my neck of the Global Media in 1975 or thereabouts. They were right up my nude-alley-gator-wrestling-&-bowling-alley whenever I glimpsed a few minutes here & there but I STILL didn't watch them on TV. I did, however, go to see their movies & loved them. The paternity suit was never sent to the dry cleaners. In fact, I loved them so much that my penis became a pencil-necked geek. I also got DVDs of their TV shows from a thrift store. Heck, I even checked out various offshoot TV shows on VHS. I have some of the records too. I got to the point where I started sending out bounty hunters to collect various body parts to put in my climate-controlled relics case. Sorry, guys, I cdn't control myself. It's yr fault for being so funny. It got to the point where I figured there was no more product for me to consume in-the-cheapest-ways-possible until I discovered this bk.



Eric Idle wrote a science-fiction bk?! I just had to read it. Even if it IS post-modem. But let's forget about Eric Idle. He doesn't deserve diddly-squat. It's all privilege, he probably came from a rich family that had all competition crippled in horrible car accidents. I know his type. He has a "Thanks To" that concludes w/ "all the comedians, too humorous to mention." No doubt he has them in stitches. It was a guilty conscience that led to the invention of micropaleontology — not HIS guilty conscience, of course, one of his victim's:



"I lecture on insignificance. I'm a micropaleontologist. You may be unaware of the study labeled micropaleontology (occasionally microanthropology), which was the first really brand-new science of the Double Ages (the second millennium). It is my job to study the evolutionary implications of the last ten minutes." - p 4



Idle even goes so far as to admit that his wealthy family stole micropaleontology so that Eric cd have an edge: if only they cd keep people's memories on only the last 10 minutes every crime cd be covered up before there was time to notice.



"You try it with any comedians you can think of, and I tell you it works. Carlton, this smart little tintellectual, is on to something real here. Just look for the distinguishing characteristics: the White Face is the controlling neurotic and the Red Nose is the rude, rough Pan. The White Face compels your respect; the Red Nose begs for it. The Red Nose smiles and nods and winks, and wants your love; the White Face rejects it. He never smiles; he is always deadly serious. Never more so than when doing comedy.



""Men," says Carlton, "Have two major organs, the brain and the penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."" - p 7



See? You already forgot. "Blue" is yr post-hypnotic suggestion cue. Repeat ad nauseum & pretend to be a sound poet.



""Do you have a criminal record?"

"Good heavens, I had no idea one was still required."



"BRITISH JOKE ABOUT ENTERING AUSTRALIA" - p 19



Blue. You have relinguished all rights to privacy.



"Men were by no means the only victims of this hijack by the harpies and perhaps they had it coming anyway. There was a lot of bullshit bleating about it at the time, as men found themselves, perhaps for the first time, vulnerable to particularly public forms of female revenge. Women, it seemed, could hardly wait to get laid to lay pen to paper, saving semen-stained souvenirs to offer as evidence for the courtroom or the studio, it didn't matter which, since both were on television now. Sharon reveals all. Naked pictures of the girl who fucked the country. Read the book of the blow job." - p 67



Sharon reveals all!: She put a pencil-naked geek to paper & laid waste to Brian, Trevor, & Kevin! But what does any of this have to do w/ the STORY, the LINE of the bk (you ask)? Believe me, I have no idea. I finished reading this bk on August 12, 2018; it's now August 27, 2018 — a whole 15 days later — & ever since that word "BLUE" appeared in this review (against my will I might add), I have no idea what the conspiracy of this review is — let alone the plot of the novel. Is my post-hypnotic suggestion to use that new app that writes reviews for me w/o even reading the bks? What's it called? Professor?



"Words were the key. Words. Of course! The censored electronic gibberish was in an old-fashioned word-based key. It was a government computer. They were using the new Dumb Technology. To try and outsmart very smart computers some agencies were resorting to stupidity. Simple, almost childish passwords were substituted for lengthy equations. How do you baffle a computer which can speed through several multibillion-number combinations? Simple, you use a word like "cat." You're going under its intelligence threshold. It cannot factor you to be so dumb. It was like comedy he thought." - p 86



Dumb Technology includes Dumb Missiles, of course. All that matters anymore is that you have to kill somebody. Death goes on. Death comes to the supermarket. Death comes to the interior decorator.



"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.



"LAST WORDS OF OSCAR WILDE" - p 93



"I should be so witty" - Carlton (not Really)



"He thinks he almost finds some evidence with one of the guys on a very weird show called Monty Python's Flying Circus. I've seen the tapes, and boy, does it suck. It's strange rather than funny. Five Limeys and a Yank. No girls; they did drag. Typical Brits. They're never happier than when dressing up as women. What is it with them?



"It's a stupid show, as I say, and Carlton found it totally puzzling. Heads come off or pop open in demented animations, sheep drop on people's heads for no reason whatsoever, Vikings sing love songs to pressed meat, weird men dressed as old ladies squeak in silly voices, there are dead parrots, and Spanish Inquisitions, it's all very silly nonsense. They seem dangerously cuckoo to me. Carlton couldn't make head or tail of it, but it seemed from the tape that the audience laughed, and as far as he could tell it was genuine, not canned, laughter." - p 147



There's some confusion at this point. It's Really who's found the evidence but, given the 10 minute memory rule, Really had already forgotten what it was evidence of. Carlton laughed at him but his laughter cd only be canned so it didn't matter. Only the Dumb Technology can even remember anything anymore.



"It was the Washing Machine. Puffing and blowing towards them.



""So, suddenly I'm chopped liver? Hours I spend keeping an eye out for you and now I'm not needed on the voyage."



""You can't come in here," said Alex. "It's only for humans."



""What am I supposed to stay behind and feed the bugs?"



""Bugs?" said Alex. "How many are there?"



""If you hurry, there'll be less," said Carlton." - p 171



There's even a little math humor. It's not quite in the same league as Paradigm Shift Knuckle Sandwich & other examples of P.N.T. (Perverse Number Theory) (wch all 21st century people were required to read until the word "Blue" appeared) but it's in the same ballpark:



"I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of comedy, which this margin is too narrow to contain.



"FAREWELL TO FERMAT, CARLTON'S LAST THEOREM"



The proof is in the pudding.



"Levity. Laughing matter. The cosmic joke. Brilliant, isn't it?



"Levity. Expanding the Universe. So simple. We're all moving at the speed of laughter.



"Time. Timing. The secret of comedy is.



"We are the only point in the present in the entire visible Universe. In every direction we are looking backwards in time. Want to see the past? It's above your head." - p 205



When I bought this bk for very cheap I didn't notice at 1st that most of the pages were torn out & that what little was left was mostly blacked out. I was so engrossed in Idle's excellent writing that I didn't notice that the pages went from 4 to 7 to 19 to 67 to 86 to 93 to 146 to 147 to 171 to 198 to 205. Sure, I found the plot hard to follow but I just thought Idle was being absurd. He's so good at that. So, if my review seems a bit discombobulated to you that's why. To recapitulate:



"I lecture on insignificance. I'm a micropaleontologist. You may be unaware of the study labeled micropaleontology (occasionally microanthropology), which was the first really brand-new science of the Double Ages (the second millennium). It is my job to study the evolutionary implications of the last ten minutes."



"You try it with any comedians you can think of, and I tell you it works. Carlton, this smart little tintellectual, is on to something real here. Just look for the distinguishing characteristics: the White Face is the controlling neurotic and the Red Nose is the rude, rough Pan. The White Face compels your respect; the Red Nose begs for it. The Red Nose smiles and nods and winks, and wants your love; the White Face rejects it. He never smiles; he is always deadly serious. Never more so than when doing comedy.



""Men," says Carlton, "Have two major organs, the brain and the penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.""



""Do you have a criminal record?"

"Good heavens, I had no idea one was still required."



"BRITISH JOKE ABOUT ENTERING AUSTRALIA"



"Men were by no means the only victims of this hijack by the harpies and perhaps they had it coming anyway. There was a lot of bullshit bleating about it at the time, as men found themselves, perhaps for the first time, vulnerable to particularly public forms of female revenge. Women, it seemed, could hardly wait to get laid to lay pen to paper, saving semen-stained souvenirs to offer as evidence for the courtroom or the studio, it didn't matter which, since both were on television now. Sharon reveals all. Naked pictures of the girl who fucked the country. Read the book of the blow job."



"Words were the key. Words. Of course! The censored electronic gibberish was in an old-fashioned word-based key. It was a government computer. They were using the new Dumb Technology. To try and outsmart very smart computers some agencies were resorting to stupidity. Simple, almost childish passwords were substituted for lengthy equations. How do you baffle a computer which can speed through several multibillion-number combinations? Simple, you use a word like "cat." You're going under its intelligence threshold. It cannot factor you to be so dumb. It was like comedy he thought."



"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.



"LAST WORDS OF OSCAR WILDE"



"He thinks he almost finds some evidence with one of the guys on a very weird show called Monty Python's Flying Circus. I've seen the tapes, and boy, does it suck. It's strange rather than funny. Five Limeys and a Yank. No girls; they did drag. Typical Brits. They're never happier than when dressing up as women. What is it with them?



"It's a stupid show, as I say, and Carlton found it totally puzzling. Heads come off or pop open in demented animations, sheep drop on people's heads for no reason whatsoever, Vikings sing love songs to pressed meat, weird men dressed as old ladies squeak in silly voices, there are dead parrots, and Spanish Inquisitions, it's all very silly nonsense. They seem dangerously cuckoo to me. Carlton couldn't make head or tail of it, but it seemed from the tape that the audience laughed, and as far as he could tell it was genuine, not canned, laughter."



"It was the Washing Machine. Puffing and blowing towards them.



""So, suddenly I'm chopped liver? Hours I spend keeping an eye out for you and now I'm not needed on the voyage."



""You can't come in here," said Alex. "It's only for humans."



""What am I supposed to stay behind and feed the bugs?"



""Bugs?" said Alex. "How many are there?"



""If you hurry, there'll be less," said Carlton."



"I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of comedy, which this margin is too narrow to contain.



"FAREWELL TO FERMAT, CARLTON'S LAST THEOREM"



"Levity. Laughing matter. The cosmic joke. Brilliant, isn't it?



"Levity. Expanding the Universe. So simple. We're all moving at the speed of laughter.



"Time. Timing. The secret of comedy is.



"We are the only point in the present in the entire visible Universe. In every direction we are looking backwards in time. Want to see the past? It's above your head."



That's it. No need to read the bk. Hope I haven't spoiled the pudding for you.