Jim Carrey Seen Wearing Mask to Get Groceries

LOS ANGELES — In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus to those in a local Trader Joe’s, actor and comedian Jim Carrey was seen wearing a green mask that covered his whole face and turned him into a mischievous gangster with superpowers.

“I’m not wearing any gloves! Ooh, somebody stopppp me,” Carrey exclaimed, holding a package of frozen multigrain rice, his arms stretched out down the aisle. “It’s grocery time. G, R, O, C, E, R. Y? Because I… gotta!”

According to those at the grocery store, patrons were generally unhappy to see the celebrity causing mayhem.

“I waited three hours in line outside in the rain to get in here and buy some eggs. I love Jim Carrey, but this isn’t the time to be running around the store, spinning around and all that,” said 49-year-old Marsha Velasquez, her voice muffled through a cloth mask. “I was going to pick up the last package of smoked salmon and then Jim came at me in a tornado and snatched it. You know exactly what he said next. Don’t make me say it.”

After a long pause and a sigh, Velasquez continued, “smmmoookkkinnn.”

Trader Joe’s employees were forced to remove Carrey from the premises after he failed to remain six feet away from other customers or stop doing impressions of old movie quotes at them.

“Like six or seven employees have gotten the rona so far, and it’s just heartbreaking to see people not taking this seriously,” said cashier Tim Bray. “People aren’t staying six feet apart and a lot of people aren’t wearing proper masks. If your mask isn’t covering your nose, you’re not doing it right. If your mask isn’t tight enough, you’re not doing it right. If your mask actually gives you an evil bigger mouth than you had before and the ability to cartoonify your surroundings, you’re not doing it right.”

As of press time, those in the Trader Joe’s reportedly felt momentary relief quickly fade when someone noticed that Jamie Kennedy had entered the store.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour: