Up the front to the left of the DJ is the best part of the dancefloor, it has been revealed.

A conglomeration of international dance music fans all agreed that the front to the left is “definitely the best part of the dance floor and not just an arbitrary judgement based on where you and your mates happen to stand”.

“People who are dancing up the front to the left are all having a much better time than other parts of the dance floor,” claimed the report. “They’re more likely to be better looking, more interesting and doing better drugs.”

“I went to the front to the right one time, it was a heap of shite, nobody was dancing and it smelled of man ass,” claimed one clubber, 24-year-ild Kai Briggs, a human ketamine dispenser. “To the left there was just beautiful people rubbing up on each other and the music was louder and better.”

“Some weirdos think the front to the right is the best part but they’re obviously soft in the head and probably loved the Nazis and take their pills in halves,” he added. “I actually wouldn’t trust someone dancing to the right not to spit hot phlegm in my drink just because they’re into that sort of thing.”

“I always go front to the left, as do all my friends,” explained 27-year-old Melissa, who has been dancing up the front to the right since 2005. “I read somewhere that it’s the part of the dance floor most often frequented by proper credible and discerning partiers whereas the back and the right is populated by shuffling dweebs, over 30s who can’t hack the heat and chin strokers who are more interested in analysing the aesthetic value of the music than dancing to it.”