Continue Reading Below Advertisement

How? How is it better? How? Tell me, goddammit!

The Terrible, Terrible Science

According to a study by scientists who may have been librarians wearing Halloween costumes, people actually absorb information from books way better than they do from Kindles, and nobody can really figure out why. Their best guess is that the sensation of pages moving from one hand to the other provides a "sensory offload" of progress, which is why I developed the theory that these people aren't real scientists.

Klaus Tiedge/Blend Images/Getty Images

"That is clearly just food coloring, Ted."

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

But, honestly, I can't think of any better theories. Does the arm-movement associated with turning pages stimulate the brain stem into hyper-speed? Does the knowledge that you look like Gandalf in that scene in The Lord of the Rings give you the confidence you need to learn? Are there magic, microscopic gremlins that feed on wood pulp and poop knowledge-nuggets that we absorb through our finger-tongues? Shit, yeah, it's gotta be that one.