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A new murderer calls in, how to not be too serious all the time, my reverse graduation speech, who does your abuela know, soph gets her yearbooks trashed, a new and exciting way to protest that doesn’t involve burning the flag, afternoon penis cravings, early menopause, Kiwi Christopher is more well-adjusted than Reddit, your job is not your family, The Dad Zone, easy mode for video games, crappy pets, Alex from the Andy Warski gun-altercation is in studio, and a Happy Fathers’ Day celebration for single moms and single pupper moms out there; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Set your alarm clocks, it’s time for drinking!

Road Rage: Vegas is here! This Saturday the 22nd at the Planet Hollywood Saxe Theater, you can get chill your shit back together before getting it melted the fuck off in the hot desert sun. Caravan leaves Eastern Los Angeles at 10AM on Thursday. I’m waking up early for it. You should too! If any strippers need a ride there, but not home, let me know.

The Dick Show’s Top Gay, Tanner, has got an itinerary full of guns and whores available on Facebook, so get your Drinkin’ Pants on for this once in a lifetime event. No visa? No problem!

Buy Tickets to Road Rage: Vegas

But first…

Burn it, tear it, wear it, shit on it, jizz on it, throw it on the ground, pull it up your ass, paint it on the side of a rape van, put it on your Christian rock album, make it in China; doesn’t matter. The American flag is a shitty-looking afterthought and always has been. It looks like a morning-bus-ride, last-minute, primary color abortion done by a left-handed kid who forgot to do their homework last night. “Welcome to stars and stripes land!” he scrawls. The American flag looks like the least voted entry in a deviant art contest where the prize is your own Sonic OC drawn as a diaper fur–but at least you would want to look at that one twice. In fact, the American flag has only looked the way it looks–like complete shit–for the last 60 years! In double fact, the American flag was treated with such little respect when it was created that George Washington entrusted its creation to a woman.

Does that count as burning the American flag?

Respect is a boomer meme, which they rely on because they cannot argue their positions–which anyone who cannot argue their position relies on, and it must be rooted out of our mouths like a bad tooth and replaced with shit and shit-posting. The American flag is a symbol that does not work if you cannot burn it, like a Mel Gibson movie without a torture scene. Without that part, how do you really know he means any of it? It’s just lip service.

But everyone has a little Nazi in them just dying to get out and start demanding respect, and with respect comes fear, and with fear comes rounding people up. The uniforms only have power if they are respected. The flag only has power when it isn’t.

If burning the American flag is illegal, are recordings of burnings of the American flag illegal? Is burning a screen that has a projection of the American flag on it illegal? Is it illegal to draw a realistic burning of the American flag? What if the American flag in the drawing is actually a 9,000 year old vampire who merely appears in the form of an American flag? What if the vampire in said drawing is a pedophile? An hebephile?

These are the mental gymnastics required to placate the desires of children.

“How is Santa in every mall across the country?”

“Santa has a lot of helpers.”

Or the more appropriate…

“What about the liquid oxygen booster rockets on the space shuttle? Are we allowed to drop those into the upper atmosphere so that they burn up even though they have an American flag insignia painted on them? But on the other side of the rocket, someone has drawn a stick figure that they say is Mohammed, and the only way to remedy that without being an Islamophobia is to burn the effigy, but the effigy is also holding an American flag in the drawing, but the artist says he is about to burn it? And a hacker has made it so that preventing the booster rockets from detaching requires you to say the n-word. Is that illegal?”

“Santa has a lot of helpers.”

Society is paralyzed by bottoms looking for tops. Not power bottoms either, but lazy bottoms who want to do no work while they’re getting fucked. They just want to bend over, yielding power to the stronger of character and mind and penis. Going to a Japanese hostess cafe–living in a Japanese hostess cafe, and playing with children’s toys, playing with children’s ideas, worshipping symbols, believe in magic n-words, bending over in the hopes that a jackboot will pry their back door open slowly, but not too slowly.

This is what it is to yield controll. I’m offended. Please fuck me with it. Go fuck yourself with it.

“Two Ninety” by Elay Arson.



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Heavy assaulting thumbnail by Nadav Halevi.

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