Campaign of the week

Boris Johnson’s campaign to prove that he’s a man of the people – as long as those people are pre-vetted party supporters stored in a warehouse – gathered pace. In a totally relatable and in no way weird outing at a primary school, the prime minister struggled through a rendition of The Wheels on the Bus. Still, the school has a good Ofsted rating, so he should really start coming on in a few weeks.

Seat of the week

Intergalactic hjinx have hit Uxbridge and South Ruislip. Lord Buckethead, an ironclad extraterrestrial who has run against several prime ministers, announced he was competing for the seat as Count Binface after “an unpleasant battle on the planet Copyright”. His pledge to bring back Ceefax looked set to capture the zeitgeist, until a new candidate called Lord Buckethead(™) emerged – risking a fatal split in the objects-for-heads vote. Despairing voters may now just vote for one of those tedious parody candidates, like the obviously absurd and rather cliched public-school caricature “Boris Johnson”. Still these eccentric characters are part of Britain’s rich election tradition, aren’t they?

Policy of the week

Surprise this week as business figures came out against their companies being nationalised. The boss of BT suggested – astonishingly – that Labour’s plan to nationalise part of the telecoms company was a bad idea. Critics said the plan would hit investment or cost tens of billions. The obvious flaw, though, is the naive assumption that Jeremy Corbyn will be able to get through to someone at BT to tell them they’ve been taken over. The best advice for the Labour leader - take a few days off work and stay on hold.

Candidate of the week

Interesting tactics from the Brexit party, with some candidates telling voters not to vote for them. Dudley North hopeful Rupert Lowe announced he would no longer be running in the Labour-held marginal. The move was designed to help the Conservatives win the seat, trusting Boris Johnson to deliver Brexit. After all, if there’s one word that really sums up the prime minister, “trustworthy” is right up there. Questionable strategy decisions seem to plague Lowe. Back in the 2000s, he secured the services of England’s rugby world cup-winning coach Sir Clive Woodard to oversee the performance of his club side. Quite a coup, you’d think – except that his club, Southampton, played football and not rugby. Much like Lowe’s political career, it didn’t end well.