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SO far, campaigners for the no side in the upcoming Marriage Equality referendum have focused their arguments on how same sex marriage will affect the rights of children, specifically when it comes to the matter of surrogacy and adoption.

These flawed arguments have failed to gain much ground for the no side, baffling experts as to why they keep pushing these points when they have so many other reasons why they don’t want gay people to be married. Reasons like:

1) Gay people put their penises in each other’s mouths.

It’s not just a playground rumour; gay people really do engage in oral sex with each other. Just think about that for a second; a man who sometimes enjoys putting his penis in the mouth of another man, wants the same rights as a man who sometimes enjoys putting his penis in the mouth of a woman. Not on our watch, pal.

2) Anal sex is not an urban myth.

If you thought that anal sex between men was just something that straight people invented for the laugh, then think again; they actually do it! They really do put their willies up each others bums. People make the argument that they do it in the privacy of their own homes, and it’s nobody’s business but their own; fuck that. This is everyone’s business! It cannot be allowed to continue!

3) The women are no better

If you thought that lesbians were any better than men, then forget about it. The things they get up to are the kind of things that should disqualify them from ever being given the same rights as the rest of us. Honestly, we’ve looked it up on the internet, extensively. In fact we regularly check the internet for new examples, just so we can be sure of how disgusted we are by it.

4) Seriously. Dicks in mouths.

We hate to dwell on this point, but gay people kiss each other on the mickey! The no side keep putting up posters of babies being kissed by their parents, saying kids need a mother and a father and all this shite, but they’d be better off just cutting to the point and putting up a poster of a man with a mouthful of willie and the caption “Is this what you want going on?”

5) Just the fuckin’ thoughts of it, like.

When you go to the polling booth, just stop for a second and think not of children’s rights or protection of the family or anything like that… just think of two gays lads banging each other. Are you cool with that kind of behaviour? Do you want to show them that their carry-on makes you feel uneasy? Then vote NO, and win a victory for yourself by denying them the same rights you have. People will call you homophobic, but really, do you care?