Welcome to our beauty boutique, where we sell overpriced goo for your face and body! Do you want some soothing jasmine tea while you browse? It’s supposed to do wonders for your skin. That’s our little way of saying that your skin looks worse than a crumpled paper bag. You clearly need some of our goo!

What are you looking for in particular? We have it all—thin goo for your bloated under-eyes; thick goo for your baggy underarms; and, yes, we even have goo for your hideous crow’s feet. But let’s take a closer look at your current goo habits to figure out what’s best for you.

What goo are you currently using? By the looks of it, it seems like you’re not using any goo at all! Ha ha—I’m kidding. Of course you’re using goo. You are, right? Please tell me you are.

Either way, we need to make sure that your new goo contains the right ingredients for your body. We have oily goo, non-oily goo, goo that smells like lavender, goo that will travel back in time and steal skin cells from when you were a baby, and, of course, goo with salicylic acid in it!

It’s important that you buy the best goo possible. Because God forbid you buy some affordable drugstore goo. My apologies—I gag every time I say the word “drugstore.” Ugh. As we all know, the benefits of using a hyped-up, two-hundred-dollar goo vs. a twenty-five-dollar goo are very real, and definitely not made up.

Anyway, finish your tea. You really, really need it. Now, in my professional opinion, I think you should just go ahead and buy all of the goo. All of it. And then put it in your bathtub and lay in it. Slather it onto your mattress and roll in it.

And please don’t think that I’m just saying this to echo years of societal fearmongering so that you buy our exorbitantly priced products. That’s just not what our brand stands for. No, we truly believe that your naturally aging skin looks just as terrible as we say it does, and that you should be ashamed to be the owner of such a sad, wrinkly epidermis.

O.K., your total comes to $309,048.87. Come back soon!