His Fiancé Dumped Him In the Most Cowardly Way Possible—Can He Be Angry About It?

Gay man in my early 30s here. I'm dealing with the seemingly sudden implosion of my nearly eight-year relationship. Because I was in an unstable housing situation when we met, I moved in with him quickly and within a few months we were moving together to another state where he had gotten a job. I returned to school at the time and three years ago I began a PhD program nearly twelve hours away. Long distance was hard, but I was still able to spend nearly half the year with him and we made it work. About three years ago I asked him to marry me and he said yes. We began looking for rings and planning, but then he bought a rundown old house and the renovation soon became a nightmare (to this day the house still isn't completely finished). This strained our money and time, so I put the whole marriage thing on the back burner until the house was finished. I could tell the stress was getting to him, he seemed to be getting more negative and angrier, but it was never directed at me and the relationship seemed good otherwise so I figured it would pass once the stress of this renovation was over. He came to visit me this past April and everything seemed good. We were both so excited to see each other, had a great time and lots of good sex. Then over the summer he became increasingly distant and closed off. After I returned to school in August he almost completely stopped communicating with me. He didn't pick up my calls, rarely responded to my texts, and when he did it was always short and perfunctory. I eventually called him every night for over a week. He didn't pick up and he wouldn't respond to my texts. Finally, after talking it over with my therapist, I sent him an email telling him he needed to contact me otherwise I could only assume this was his way of leaving. I told him how much I loved him and that I thought we should see a couples counsellor. Sponsored Protectly.co has USA Made N95 masks in stock! Plus NIOSH respirators, surgical masks, gloves, goggles, 3M half-face respirators and more. www.protectly.co

He responded that he felt really disconnected over the summer and thought we were more friends than lovers now but that he wanted to talk in a few days. When we talked he told me that he was seeing a therapist to deal with the negativity he'd been experiencing, that he wanted to "just be responsible for me right now", that I wasn't crazy to think things were good just a few months ago in April but that he felt we had become different people. Dan, we're an intergenerational couple (he's 20 years older) whose relationship was never based on an abundance of shared hobbies. Our strength came from shared core values and the ways we each expanded the other’s horizons. I spend a lot of time in therapy, I’m a pretty reflective and self-aware guy, and I can say that I haven’t changed that significantly in the years we’ve been together. I have been under a lot of stress, as has he, and I feel that my own attitude had become more negative. I had gone a bit SJW on him and I can see how he would have felt judged at times. I told him this, that I didn’t think I’d changed that much but that the stress we have both been under led to our differences becoming a source of tension instead of strength. I made it clear that this wasn't something I liked about myself and was something I wanted to work on. I told him I wanted to support him and that if he wasn't looking to see other people right now, we could just put the question of our relationship on the back burner and work on re-establishing communication so that I could be there for him. He agreed. I told him that I would call later in the week and he said he'd like that. I did and got no response. Not wanting to push I waited a few days and tried again. Nothing. A few weeks went by before he finally called, and we talked for maybe fifteen minutes. I waited another week and tried calling again. Nothing. In the meantime, I became increasingly depressed—something exacerbated by mental illness—and unable to focus at a pivotal and very stressful time in my career. Working with my therapist I wrote another letter. This time being clear about my needs, boundaries, and what I was feeling. I told him that I was confused, that I thought we had made a commitment to each other which implied that we would communicate and work on the relationship before ending things and that I needed to know he was willing to do that and begin communicating regularly. I told him he didn't need to respond immediately, that I thought it best if he talked things over with his therapist, and that we could take things slowly so long as I knew he was committed to at least trying. He hasn't responded and since then I discovered his Grindr profile in which he says he's looking for "FWB and ideally more." I feel broken. Not a day goes by that I don't break down sobbing. I can't understand what's happening. I assumed our relationship entailed a certain level of commitment. When he agreed to marry me, it felt more like affirming we were already family and not boyfriends. I thought that we were husbands in all but name. I feel confused, hurt and angry. This all feels so sudden and I feel like I stupidly assumed a level of commitment that wasn't really there. It feels like an immense betrayal and deeply unfair. It feels selfish and cruel and cowardly. Trusting in my own feelings is something I've been working on in therapy for a while now and I feel like I'm generally doing better on that front than I would have in the past. Yet I still feel like I can't exactly have an objective perspective and my therapist is hardly a neutral third party either. I could really use some outside perspective, Dan. Is this just the expected pain of a normal breakup? Is my anger at him an (understandable) coping mechanism in response to the pain of losing a relationship? Or am I right to think that what he is doing is incredibly shitty, selfish, cowardly, and cruel? Should I even agree to couples counseling if he ever responds? If I ever manage to get him on the phone again should I call him out and tell him what an asshole he's being? Is he being an asshole? I'm just so confused and heartbroken. Sad, Angry, Disoriented

Write your ex-fiancé one last letter. Your confusion, your pain, your anger: put it all in there, put it in the mail, and then put it—and him—behind you.

That last "put" is a heavy lift, I realize, and it will take time, but I'm confident you can do it. And if leaning into your anger helps, SAD, go ahead and let yourself be angry. It sounds like you have a lot to be angry about and a little contained and proportionate anger can cauterize an emotional wound. Which means it's not either/or: your anger is both understandable and—so long as your anger is contained, proportionate, and allowed to run its course—a pretty decent coping mechanism. Experience your anger and let it expire, don't nurture it and artificially extend its life.

But even as you wallow in your anger over the next few weeks or months... even as you vent and ball to your friends... even as you process the breakup with your therapist... and maybe even after you get back on Grindr yourself... it'll help if you occasionally remind yourself how thoroughly common and even banal what you're going through is. You were dumped. Millions of people are going to get dumped today. Your ex dumped you in a cowardly and needlessly protracted manner—first ghosting and then making an insincere promise—and, again, it's understandable that you're angry and hurt. But the world is full of people who've gone through exactly what you're going through and are now happily single or happily re-partnered.

As for couples counseling, SAD... yeah, don't do it. Even if he agrees to it, don't do it. Because you aren’t a couple anymore, first and foremost, and more importantly because it will only extend your misery and delay your recovery. You're angry at your ex for attempting to ghost on you and then failing to communicate with you and then agreeing to work on the relationship and then not following through and then ghosting on you again and then getting on Grindr to search for your replacement. He clearly wants out, SAD, but if you manage to get him on the phone again he might agree to counseling... but not because he wants to save the relationship. He would only go to counseling because he feels (or is guilted into feeling) like he "owes" you that. You're angry because your ex ripped the bandaid off very, very slowly and caused you way more pain in the process than an honest and direct (if still unexpected) breakup would've caused you. Getting him to go to couples counseling with you would amount to reapplying the bandaid yourself and then inviting your ex-fiancé to slowly rip it off one more time. Don't do that to yourself.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. On the bright side, SAD, you’re young, you’re getting your education, and you already have your own place. You can get through this.

P.S. Don't go SJW on future boyfriends, fiancés, husbands, etc. You can talk about and even challenge a lover's assumptions, biases, thoughtless prejudices, etc., without calling them out or cancelling them.

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