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No matter how hard we work on body image, there are some inescapable truths. Well, really the one: We are disgusting slug monsters covered with oozing oils, amoeba beasts, and hair. That’s why it’s time to take the war on our hideous true selves one step beyond goat-poop serums and crushed-bug creams. It’s time for advanced battlefield techniques on our worst feature: Our skin! Here’s our best tips for minimizing your pores psychologically by going CIA black-ops on them until they self-destruct with emotional damage!

Trust Is Key To Trauma

You’ve most likely spent years trying to win your face over. You’ve tended your grapefruit skin like a baby lamb, with gentle massages and rose-petal washes. GOOD WORK. Because your oil sacks now trust you. They know you’d never betray them. And according to this biography about Guantanamo Bay we just read, this is when you can nail them. Take a warm shower to encourage your pores to open up, put on some vaguely racist, soothing Asian day-spa music, and then get ready, because our real work is about to begin.

Verbalize The Abuse

Now that your pores are relaxed and unsuspecting, switching to verbal abuse is advised. Lean your face very close to a wall (so the sound will reflect back at your cheeks), and go apeshit. Scream, “You’re disgusting!” and “You sebum-filled bacterial garbage bags! You know why I keep slapping buckets of concealer on you?! It’s because NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU.” This may not fully intimidate your pores into leaving altogether, but it’ll definitely get them to retract in fear.

Resort To Chemical Weapons

Listen, we don’t believe in “torture.” We believe in “enhanced pore extraction” to fully minimize your pores psychologically. And now that they’re good and traumatized, they just need a little extra push to give you what you want: A flawless, poreless face like fine porcelain/the youngest Jenner girl. Simply pour a 100% solution of glycolic acid directly onto your face skin (feel free to scream in agony). When the steam rising from your skin dissipates, voila! At last, you have achieved the most perfectly Instagrammable, poreless complexion possible. It’s definitely there, under the massive and permanent scarring.

Did we miss any other solid tactics to minimize your pores? Let us know!

Images: Pixabay

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