BALLGATE

BY THACKTOR

Well well well, wasn’t that fun? That was fun. Coach Sumlin said it best, the Aggies BEAT ASU. Beat ‘em real good. Offensively, the Ags looked a little different. The O-line wasn’t as dominant as we’re used to, receivers were still dropping balls occasionally, and we ran the Kyle(r) combo which confused my emotions to the point of sobbing-laughter. John Chavis’ defense, however, provided ED stricken Aggies with at least 9 reasons to not need that Cialis prescription anymore.



Thank God we got the easy one out of the way, because now the mighty Ball State Cardinals are leaving Muncie to bring their particular brand of smash-mouth MAC football to Kyle Field. It was hard to get hyped up for a Pac-12/SEC matchup, but this one against the Mid American Conference juggernaut should get your blood boiling as a football fan. When a team beats VMI by 12, it sends an explicit message to the football world. Don’t let that 29.5 point spread fool ya, the Cardinals are coming to play. Literally, because they have to play.



What I’m really grateful for is that the Ags aren’t throwing a bunch of OOC cupcakes on the schedule to dilute the W-L record at the end of this or any future season. I, for one, think it would be a travesty if there were a Tech, Oklahoma, or even (gasp) Texas game on the schedule. What Aggie wants to see any of those games pop up? I mean, we left the Big 12-2-2+2 Dumpster Fire Lulz behind. Why ever play any of these schools again unless we’re held at gunpoint by the bowl selection committees?



There’s nothing fun about playing a rival. Football is big business, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just being a fan. College football is not emotional, just let any Aggie yell at you for 1,000 words as to how unemotional it is. Lots of fans sing about schools they don’t care about in their fight songs. That’s why the 3rd verse of the War Hymn is about Yale, because eff Yale.

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Garrett, Hall, and Mack take the field and line up across from the Ball State offensive line. Garrett plants his hand in the turf and looks up at the offensive tackle, "Hi," says Myles, "I do not think you have the ball to block me today."



"Oh great, ball jokes," replies the lineman. "I’ve heard them all. Can we please move o…"



"Wait, hang on," interrupts Garrett, giggling. "To think you’re going to win today, you’d have to be…"



"What?"



"NUT!"



Mack keeps grabbing his crotch and muttering "BALL STATE! JUST ONE!" between fits of laughter while Hall pantomimes working a speed bag.



Aggie: 55

Cardinal: 7

CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Daeshon Hall DE: Saturday Brad Nessler made us very familiar with his nickname: "Dae Dae". I would pay a nominal monthly fee to have Brad call out player nicknames for all Aggie football games.



Christian Kirk WR/KR: There haven't been this many Devils gnashing their teeth over a Christian Kirk performance since Cameron starred in the Left Behind trilogy. Let's hope the Cardinals have given confession.



Kyler Murray QB: Well, once we took the cap off that bottle of lightning, the comparisons were going to be inevitable. Fluid. Electrifying. Slithering through defenses. Perfect hair. Ladies and gentlemen, the next Vance Smith.



Ben Ingle LB: The senior amassed 200+ tackles over his sophomore and junior seasons. He's from a town with a population of 289 so the Kyle Field atmosphere is NBD.



Jordan Williams WR: Cracked 1,000 yards receiving in 2013 and led the team last year. He's big at 6'3" and 230 so it'll be like covering an RSJ lite. Super-sportsy sports name. Grassroots Heisman candidate.



Jack Milas QB: The high point of his freshman season was a Herculean effort against favored Western Michigan. The high point of his offseason was getting a prime table at the Indianapolis Morton's when a staff member thought he was Jay Bilas. He lost to the Broncos but enjoyed the steak.



OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Top Ten Ways to Identify Visiting Ball State Fans at Kyle Field 10. Complaining at concessions counter that the Lemon Chills are too spicy.



9. Sporting hardcore #MACTION neck tattoos.



8. Suffering from heat exhaustion even though it's only 82 degrees.



7. Wearing red and white (.../whistles through gap in front teeth...heeheee....uuuuuuhh)...I said they're wearing red and white (/tugs collar with pencil...).



6. Commandeer the kettle corn cookers to show you how it's really done.



5. Appear confused to be at a football game on a Saturday since most of theirs are played on Tuesday nights.



4. Will approvingly admire the crop circles left on the Kyle Field grass after halftime.



3. May wonder aloud why those kids painted up those perfectly good brand-new overalls, durn it.



2. Attempt to smuggle tater tot hotdish into the stadium using strategically-placed ziploc bags.



1. Will patiently and courteously nod at your testicles joke, smile condescendingly, and pat you on the back graciously because they've heard them all a thousand times before, you persistent hack.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY HYPNO-TOAD

New Digs So your Aggie family is getting bigger and that smaller home just isn't cutting it anymore. Everyone always wants move-in ready, but with a budget of only $450 MM it's just not feasible to want to stay in your same neighborhood where property values have skyrocketed since your initial $650 investment. Let us show you how you can take that budget and use it to make an older property into the large, open-concept dream home you've always wanted! Dark hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances, and a kitschy reclaimed-wood feature will also ensure that everyone can pinpoint the exact year that you did the remodel. And don't be afraid to add a little color, people. It's a home, not a hospital ward.



QB CONTRA-versy Kevin Sumlin is a Prepper, spending every weekend stockpiling the bunker under Kyle Field with quarterbacks for the Global QB Crisis. Having to choose which one to take out on his Saturday excursions to the shooting range is a good problem to have, though. Coach has explained that the use of both QBs was always in the game plan, but look for the commentators to make a huge deal out of this anyway. It's like coach and Nintendo Power always said: You may have infinite guys out there, but you still need the spread to get through some situations.



Overreactions Gosh that game against Arizona State was really neat, wasn't it? Heck, I'd go so far as to call it trill. Yeah. About 365 days ago the Aggies were world beaters and an unstoppable juggernaut destined for the SEC Championship game and parts beyond. Maybe it's time for some perspective. OR MAYBE IT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND IT LIVES IN OUR HEARTS AND OTHER PLACES THAT AREN'T OUR BRAINS AND WE LOVE IT FOR BEING UNREASONABLE WOOOOOOOO GIG 'EM AGGIES BTHO BALL STATE AND EVERYONE



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY HYPNO-TOAD

#14 LSU @ #25 MISSISSIPPI STATE In the future archaeologists will unearth the site of this game in what was once known as Starkville. They will find cowbells strewn about, patches of chewed up grass missing, and blood everywhere and mistakenly think that this was the site of an ancient livestock killing ground. They will never understand that for a brief, beautiful moment, the entire SEC West was ranked in the Top 25. But no beautiful thing can live for long.



#19 OKLAHOMA @ #23 TENNESSEE



At the end of this game either OU will claim that they can win in the big bad SEC or Tennessee will claim that they can win in the offense-happy Big XII. Neither will be correct.



HOT REELZ BY CUPPYCUP

LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY FLETCHER MASSIE

BALL SO HARD BY CUPPYCUP This is your first football game in the totally renovated Hate Barn, so consider overdressing to be safe. WiFi will allegedly be available so you may also find a friend you want to impress on Tinder during the game. You’re in luck because Aggieland Outfitters set us up with very sharp Antigua button downs this week. These shirts project confidence such as, "my team is ranked" or "excuse me, the line forms over there."



Did you know "Antigua" means ancient? Buy one for someone on the West side today. If you gamble on the internet, you also know that Antigua is an island in the Caribbean.



Congratulations to last week’s Adidas sideline polo winner, Kevin C.

Text GOODBULL to 97000 on 9/9 for a chance to win an Antigua button down from Aggieland Outfitters.



BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE Sack. Safety. Kickoff. Offensive drive. Touchdown. Kickoff. Sack. Repeat.



WORST CASE Real QB controversy emerges. Aggies play lazy like my writing this week. LSU sues and gets Chavis back. I am forced to write a retraction to this week’s intro.



@rcb05 Hopefully the A&M O-line blocks better this week, because nobody wants to see Ball sacks. #GBHTailgate



@GrantBritton51 Ball isn't a state, ball is life. Get it right. #GBHTailgate



@HaydenHydeNFL Kyler Murray had 69 yards rushing against ASU.



Nice. #GBHTailgate



‏@ASmith2003 Daeshon Hall has more sacks than Texas has points. #GBHTailgate



@ChristianDavon2 Yall need to stop playin wit us.

