If for no other reason, 2009 will long be remembered as the year that, all things considered, we’d just as soon forget. Oh sure, there were bright spots — the nation’s first black president rode into office on a wave of optimism, YouTube siren Susan Boyle struck a blow for homely people everywhere and pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger bravely landed a disabled aircraft in the Hudson River, forever earning his place as the greatest hero in American history named “Chesley.”

But mostly 2009 turned out to be a big stinker, as “hope” rapidly turned to “nope,” sunk by a steady tide of bad news: an ongoing recession, two wars, the swine flu pandemic, Wall Street bailouts, government scandals, the spectacle of Tom DeLay dancing — the list goes on.

So rather than pointlessly shouting “You lie!” and demanding to see a birth certificate from a year that couldn’t tell the difference between an Appalachian Trail hike and an Argentine booty call, let us instead deflate the oversized Mylar balloon labeled “2009” and look ahead to the events we’ll be feverishly tweeting about in the 12 months to come:

Jan. 14: Buyers of Sarah Palin’s 413-page memoir “Going Rogue” file a class-action lawsuit after discovering that the former Alaska governor stopped writing her memoir halfway through, opting to fill the book’s last 150 pages with moose recipes.

Feb. 8: In an ironic twist, Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman is upset to discover that, as a result of a health care bill amendment he sponsored, the Senate health plan will no longer cover loose jowl syndrome.

March 7: After winning the Best Director Academy Award for “Avatar,” James Cameron holds his Oscar aloft and shouts, “I’m the king of Pandora!”

March 24: Pop sensation Lady Gaga and ’80s hair band Kajagoogoo team up to form Gaga Googoo and score a No. 1 record with a remake of Amy Grant’s hit song “Baby, Baby.”

April 5: In an effort to reduce health care costs while simultaneously stimulating the economy, the administration proposes combining the “Cash for clunkers” program with the idea of government-run “death panels” by offering $5,000 to any family that agrees to pull the plug on an elderly relative.

April 28: In what some refer to as a blatant attempt to boost flagging ratings, Jay Leno admits during his monologue that he is also sleeping with Tiger Woods.

May 9: In a stunning coincidence, the first season of Britain’s “Got Animal Talent” is won by Susan Boyle’s mangy, unattractive cat, Pebbles.

May 31: Intercepted intelligence transmissions demonstrate that the Iranians have yet to develop a working nuclear device as a result of “difficulties downloading and installing the Windows Vista patch.”

June 30: In a development that many feel could dramatically reduce the nation’s health care costs, Nintendo releases “Super HomeSurgery” for the Wii game system.

July 22: After years spent fruitlessly trying to close California’s $50 billion budget shortfall, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger instead decides to take advantage of widespread drought conditions and torches the state for the insurance money.

Aug. 16: Nebraska Sen. Bill Nelson pulls support for the health care reform bill when his colleagues refuse to include a government subsidy for hairpiece replacement.

Aug. 28: The “New Moon”-inspired vampire craze that peaked in 2009 finally recedes, replaced by a surge of interest in angst-ridden teenage gnomes.

Sept. 13: Reality television achieves harmonic convergence when, in the midst of the live “American Idol” finale, Jon Gosselin and Octomom Nadia Suleyman are married onstage by Ryan Seacrest. Simon Cowell describes the ceremony as “trite, predictable and tedious.”

Sept. 26: Kanye West once again jumps onstage to interrupt the MTV Video Music Awards. But this time, in the midst of his drunken diatribe, Kanye is himself interrupted by Taylor Swift, who grabs the microphone and says, “Kanye, I’m happy for you, and I’m a let you finish, but last year’s interruption was one of the best interruptions of all time.”

Oct. 20: Osama bin Laden is captured in a remote region of northern Pakistan after successful efforts to infiltrate the al-Qaida leader’s inner circle by the nation’s two newest undercover operatives, Tareq and Michaele Salahi.

Nov. 2: The integrity of the American voting process is again questioned when the Supreme Court intervenes to declare that the big winner of the 2010 elections is Adam Lambert.

Nov. 17: Middle East peace negotiators reach a breakthrough when Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas agree to become Facebook friends.

Dec. 6: Apple unveils the iUD, the world’s first wireless birth-control device that can also hold more than 1,000 songs.

Dec. 31: After more than a year-and-a-half of debate, Congress finally passes health care reform with genuinely bipartisan support when officials agree to tack the bill on as an amendment to “must pass” legislation raising Congressional salaries.

E-mail Malcolm Fleschner at mfleschner@aol.com.