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How It Could Have Been Avoided:

If you're going to incorporate a Sawzall into your sex life, you're going to have to commit to permanently altering it for vaginal use. Safety demands it, and most couples want labia caked with sawdust about as much as finches want a birdhouse that smells like vagina.

The Legacy:

Jinkies, Scoob, this is like some nightmarish engineer (possibly a machinist?) worked overtime to devise an even more misogynist version of the vagina dentata. This monstrosity kills all who approach it, depletes its host and then turns inside-out to consume itself. That's not a sex injury; that's a Klingon apocalypse myth. A hole that contains other holes within it is not nicknamed but scientifically classified as a Hypervagina.

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#1. And the Horse He Rode in On

Get ready.

Like a lot of casual athletes, Boeing engineer Kenneth Pinyan's interests seemed like a terrible ordeal to nonhobbyists. But whereas most of us can acknowledge the thrill of scaling sheer rock or looking Russell Crowe in the eye, very few recognize the sacred mysteries of large-mammal group bestiality.

Oh jeez.



Not how you expected a horse molester to look, right?

This is the kind of case that just didn't happen before the Internet. If half a dozen people in the same geographic area had grown up as zoophiles, the government would be doing emergency water quality tests. And even if that happened, none of them would admit it to each other. Or get together to film it. Or abandon their dying buddy at the hospital. Or just generally convince you humanity should be burned from the Earth.

courtesy Seattle Weekly



Now that's more like it.

Pinyan had pulled this gag before, albeit with a gentler, more attentive horse: the kind of horse every guy dreams of marrying. A noble, shimmering horse that would look you in the eye as he spewed buckets in your colon and never once consider rupturing your rectum.

That was not the horse Pinyan chose to give himself to this time.

For shame, Warner Bros.



Faint praise, copywriter dude. Faint praise.

Pinyan's first warning sign was the animal's gel-spiked mane and serious request to be called by its stupid MTV nickname. The second major concern would have been that his sex partner was a horse.

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The Casualty:

"Acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon."

They say the worst thing in the world is for parents to bury a child, and the outer rim on that wheel of misery is burying your son after he was mortally wounded by horse penis. There are no words of consolation for the family of a man whose own body poisoned his equine-phallic internal injuries. It's the kind of thing that sounds really funny for a Van Wilder sequel, but is terrible in reality, much like the Van Wilder movies themselves.

How It Could Have Been Avoided:

Perhaps by having sex with fewer horses. Or more Shetland ponies. Or half a John Holmes. Or ... or ... gosh, there are so many wrong turns in the path to this fate, it's almost reassuring that nothing could have been done to stop it.

The Legacy:

Crack and Pinyan, obviously.

Sex with Brendan McGinley only injures your reputation.

For more from Brendan, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads and 6 Pro-Gay Marriage Arguments for Fighting With Crazy People.