I think a pretty big part of me wanting to write and have my voice heard is that I’m unemployed and lonely, and frankly, super fucking bored.

I’m living in a two-person bedroom with three people, all of whom have too many things. So our apartment is basically boxes, one of those tiny kitchens you’d see on House Hunters International, and a square living room with three couches and one wall consisting of three televisions – one is a vintage one with a VCR player built in. We use it exclusively to watch our 2004 NBA Jams VHS. But watching TV and being confined in this tiny apartment have been starting to give me anxiety, which is where the writing comes in. I can leave, go to Starbucks – cause nothing beats the ‘Bucks – and either apply to jobs, or when I’m inevitably tired of that, write.

But if I’m being honest, I’m not passionate about much. At least, not passionate enough to sit down and write a thousand word essay that no one will ever read. However, I love soccer and I told my friend Veto that I’d give him a list of Premier League teams and why he should root for each. And if by Monday he can overcome his inability to make a decision and choose a team to fully and completely support, I’d eventually buy him that team’s jersey.

If the Godfather taught me anything, it’s that someone named Veto is probably in the mob and it’d be better to follow through on this promise.

Unfortunately, another job just rejected me and the US Women’s National Team lost to Sweden, so revising and using the happy and corny post I wrote yesterday seemed absolutely unbearable. Instead I’m going to wing this like so many college papers and hope for the best.

Soccer is the best sport. I know that’s contentious, but whatever. Basketball is cool but it’s pretty biased to guys who are say 5’8 or 5’9. Football is amazing but let’s face it, it’s dumb. Try explaining the rules to anyone who isn’t from America or, I guess, Canada and you’ll immediately see how stupid it is. Plus, Fox has that dancing robot and I can’t take any sport seriously if their mascot is a robot doing the bartman.

Digressions aside, the Premier League is worth your attention. There are 38 games, which in my opinion, is the most reasonable amount of games for any sport. Twice as much as football and not nearly as many as basketball or baseball. Meaning at no point do I feel like the league is too short or dragging on.

And it’s round robin, so there’s no playoffs, which is more fair than playoffs. Which is a better, granted less exciting way to determine a champion.

But it’s so much more than that.

The BPL is a league rich in narrative, agony, and ecstasy. There are brawls between managers, there’s passion, and even stuff like this happens. The thing is, there are only about ten teams that are really worth rooting for. And while, you’ll probably end each season broken hearted barring you’re a Chelsea, Man City, or Man United fan, watching the Premier League teaches the important life lesson of the futility in trying to get what you really want.

Here are the teams you should root for if you want to see your team win the championship, because a team like Leicester probably won’t win it again. None of these opinions are biased.

Chelsea

You should root for them if: You’re a prick. You’d consider voting for Donald Trump. You don’t mind a Russian oligarch owning your team. You were fat as a kid but eventually grew into your body, became good looking and you’re kind of a prick about it now. You don’t mind that your captain and team legend commits adultery with his teammates wives. You don’t care if they sell every player and manager if that means winning the season in a year or two. You’re a fan of well-done hair transplants. Your favorite Game of Thrones character was Tywinn Lannister.

Man City

You should root for them if: You’re pretty indifferent about becoming too committed to the Premier League. You’re excited to make ‘pep’ puns all season. You respect dignified bald men in scarfs. You like Oasis. You don’t feel subconscious about trying to pull off baby blue jerseys. You’re also an NYCFC fan and are rich enough to buy similar looking jerseys.

Man United

You should root for them if: You’re okay with narcissists. You’re okay with the club being in ruins after three years if it means winning now. You’re not off put by those awkward two-toned jerseys. You think a man with a man-bun and a man with hair transplants can exist symbiotically.

Here are the other teams you want to root for if you want to dream about winning the league or just want to see your team compete in most every game.

Arsenal

You should root for them if: You’re a masochist. You’re notorious for choking sometime in February or March. You’re one of those people that gets friend-zoned by every girl you like. You don’t like change. You’re manic-depressive. You believe anything that’s posted on Twitter. You’re cool with, as a fan, being in the company of Chris Christie, Piers Morgan, and the late Osama Bin Laden. You have this haircut. You’d rather go down looking sexy than fighting.

Everton

You should root for them if: You flat out hate yourself. You’re one of those fat old people that “could’ve been something.” You’re continually slightly outdone by your neighbors. You honestly want to root for a team that could be good – they just never will. You’re a fan of Umbro those great blue jerseys. You think Ronald Koeman is a fantastic signing at manager (he is). You put on a Joy Division anytime you’re feeling down. You know who Joy Division is. You love Tim Howard and want to support him posthumously.

Leicester City

You should root for them if: You especially enjoy hopping on bandwagons. You want to have to explain to everyone that “I started rooting for them the year after they won the title,” whenever you’re asked about 2015. You were a nerd and slept with the hottest girl in your high school one night when you both had a little bit too much to drink. You think it’d be cool to own a jersey with the words “King Power” right on the front. You believe in the phrase chat shit get banged.

Liverpool

You should root for them if: You been a loser since the early 90’s. You’re a Notre Dame fan. You’ll never walk alone, but you’ll never walk with a trophy either. You’re an avid Beatles fan and knew they’re from Liverpool. You think Jürgen Klopp ist der Mann (er ist). You personally think you look better in red than in blue. You’re an avid runner, own a lot of New Balances, and you desperately want a shirt that matches your shoes.

Southampton

You should root for them if: You’re an Oakland A’s fan. You want to see all your players succeed at other clubs when they’re older. You’re okay with probably being awful since Ronald Koeman left. You probably were okay with it when Pochettino left. You’re okay with being funded by Liverpool. You’re against solid colors and insist horizontal lines are flattering on you.

Tottenham Hotspur

You should root for them if: You love to hate yourself. You were averagely popular and had a chance to sleep with the hottest girl in high school when you both had a little too much to drink and you shit yourself. Not trying to be anti-Semitic in anyway, but you’re probably Jewish. White is your color even though you’re also the type of person that spills whatever they’re eating onto their shirt. You’re okay with a chicken on a ball as your team’s patch.

West Ham United

You should root for them if: You like man-buns. You’re not a fan of just red or blue, but would rather have an ugly version of both. You want to see the beginning of the end of Dimitri Payet’s magnificent three-year career. They play at Olympic stadium and you think that’s pretty neat.