On 26 November 2012, the day after Thanksgiving weekend in the U.S., the Onion published an article positing that 42 million people had been killed over that holiday in violent incidents stemming from shoppers competing for “Black Friday” bargains:

42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record

According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history.

First responders reporting from retail stores all across the nation said the record-breaking post-Thanksgiving shopping spree carnage began as early as midnight on Friday, when 13 million shoppers were reportedly trampled, pummeled, burned, stabbed, shot, lanced, and brutally beaten to death while attempting to participate in early holiday sales events.