Chiang Mai, is the ultimate Digital Nomad Mecca. Even though Mecca is in Saudi Arabia,

Dear Diary,

It’s been a week since we last spoke and I am excited to tell you that I have arrived in Chiang Mai! I have mastered inter-continental travel though it’s fair to say my stomach hasn’t mastered airplane food just yet. Colin BG (Ballerina and Greyhound Racer) says that comes with practice and that if I’d ordered the organic, gluten free, lactose absent, high protein, vegan meal which is, so I’m told, a bag of unprocessed peanuts — I’d have found the whole process much easier going.

Leaving England is quite straightforward. I thought they might ask what I was going to do in Thailand but to be honest immigration looked quite relieved to see me go. They’ll be sorry when I return as a dropshipping squillionaire with a really hot girlfriend.

I had to come to Chiang Mai via Bangkok because apparently there are no direct flights from England. I was very excited to be in Bangkok as it’s in a song by Murray Head and I’ve never been anywhere in a song before, except for Waterloo Station and that song is about a bloke who stays in his flat. I never liked staying in my flat so being somewhere with a song about bars, temples and ladyboys seems pretty good to me.

I wasn’t allowed out of the airport at Bangkok because I was getting on an ongoing flight, so I signed up for a local SIM card and immediately set about joining all the Chiang Mai Facebook groups I can find. I wanted to join “Chiang Mai Wife Swappers” but I don’t have anything to swap. Never mind, once I’m living the “Dropship like a prince and rake it in like a gardener!” lifestyle, Colin BG says I’ll have girls falling all over me. Then maybe I will marry one and she’ll let me swap her when I get bored.

I also found Colin BG’s YouTube channel and it’s really good. He’s very keen on explaining how you can “live like a king on $300 a month.” I guess that’s because he’s a really helpful guy. He tells you all about the places he’s lived in, in Chiang Mai, and though I have to confess none of them look like Royal Palaces in England; maybe it’s different where he comes from? Perhaps The King of Colin’s country has a squat toilet, a shower with no bath and bars on the windows?

My friend Peter (who I have known since I was 6 when he accidentally stabbed me with safety scissors in primary art class with Mrs. Davies) says you should never judge people from other countries because even though they’re foreign, they still have pride. He’s probably right. He also said that they might have a gun.

I particularly enjoyed the videos about Colin BG’s ballet lessons. He said, he’d always wanted to be a ballet dancer and he wasn’t going to let his natural obesity get in his way. His instructor was so impressed with his performance in a leotard that after only 2 lessons, it was decided that Colin was so good that he could stop going to classes. Colin even has a certificate that he printed at home which shows he’s now a ballet instructor. What a guy!

Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to watch the video where he opens a ballet school of his own (but I am sure I will manage to squeeze that in sooner or later) as my flight to Chiang Mai was called.

I had to pass through immigration in Bangkok on my way to the Chiang Mai plane and I have to say the customs officers looked so much smarter than in England. They asked me if I was going to Chiang Mai and I excitedly confirmed that I was. They also asked if I had enough money to support myself and I replied that I had at least enough to live like a King for a year. He rolled his eyes and said something like “mai day hee kun nung” which Google translate says is “not another one” but maybe I misheard?

The flight to Chiang Mai was very short and because I’d followed Colin BG’s instructions on packing light (He told me to bring just a pair of boxer shorts, a pair of socks, a t-shirt, some shorts and some sandals and an Apple Mac and a Smartphone), I was out of the airport at least 2 minutes before everyone else. I can see how Colin’s so productive if he can save 2 minutes every time he goes to the airport — that must be like 12 minutes a year of extra work over and above those “digital nomads” who don’t listen to Colin.

Colin had also taught me how to save money on taxis at the airport. Instead of using the airport taxi rank, I was to leave the airport and wait on the opposite side of the road for a red van called a songthaew. Instead of paying a rip off 150 Baht ($4) to get to Moobahn Mansions (my new home — dear diary) I would then only pay 100 Baht.

It only took an hour for a songthaew to stop and when it did, the driver insisted on 120 Baht but I’d already saved money just as Colin had promised so I was very excited. I kept banging my head on the roof every time it hit a bump and the rain coming through the windows wasn’t what I’d expected but it was a very different experience to England and much cheaper than a taxi. At least in Thai money, I know $1 isn’t a lot elsewhere in the world but it’s 1/10th of what I have to live on each day now and that’s a lot of money.

My room in Moobahn Mansions is quite expensive at 2,500 Baht a month but it’s one of those places that estate agents back home would call “bijou and compact” rather than “shoe box” like ordinary people would. There’s a shelf above the bed for my computer and phone and as I have no clothes — it’s OK that there’s no other storage space. The Wi-Fi is a little bit slow but that’s OK too because the telephone wasn’t invented at the same time in Thailand as it was in England and therefore I shouldn’t expect things to be the same here.

The pillows are quite fluffy though thanks to my friend Colin looking out for my well-being. When I mentioned his name at the desk they said that he sent a lot of people to them and as I was his friend they’d only need a deposit of all 12 months’ rent on my contract. They said this was perfectly normal in Thailand for people who lived like a king. I’m not sure that I have that much in my bank account at the moment so I paid by Visa and they generously only took an extra 3% for paying by card.

Once I had put my things in my room, I went looking for some washing powder for my clothes. I am meeting Colin BG in person at Clueless Co-Working tomorrow and I just can’t wait.

I’ll tell you more soon diary.

Darren the Digital Nomad

Note: All resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental. The dairy of Darren the Digital Nomad is a work of satirical fiction. Honest.

Note: If you missed the first part of this series — you’ll find it here on Medium too.