Boris Johnson has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering all of the first-born children.

The news comes on the anniversary of the Conservatives really Christmassy policy of reducing bereavement benefit for orphaned children in 2017.

“Nothing says Christmas quite like The Slaughter of the Innocents.” A spokeself for Downing Street told The Rochdale Herald.

“Or denying destitute pregnant women accommodation fit for human habitation. We’re just getting into the spirit of Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.”

“If anything people should be thanking us for this new policy of stabbing the first born children to death. If anything it’s slightly more humane than our policy of starving the third born children to death with the Universal Credit reforms that came into place last year.”

“Nothing says Christmas quite like pregnant women giving birth in unsanitary lean-tos, we’re just getting in the mood.”

“You’re welcome and Merry Christmas.”