(Picture: Charlotte Cockell for Metro.co.uk )

It’s all about sex this week in Ask Andy and with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, what else would you expect?

Metro’s favourite agony uncle is back to answer all life’s hard-hitting questions… like how exactly does one lose their ‘v card’?

Andy has the answer.


How I Save: A 47-year-old administrator cutting back after switching to part-time hours

Well, an answer anyway and that’s better than nothing.

Be warned he’s not here to mince his words.

If you’re ready to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – then you’re ready to Ask Andy.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Hi Andy

I’m 18 and want to find out the best way to get laid.

I’m fed up of still having my V card, and want to find out the best way to meet a girl

Reece

Hi Reece,

It was 1999 when I finally, tearfully, presented my V Card to a girl.



As I recall, it was against the fire exit of a tower block overlooking the Spurs ground. She tasted of strawberry Hubba Bubba.

During our brief coitus, Shania Twain sang ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’ through tinny Walkman headphones, tucked somewhere inside the young lady’s voluminous puffer jacket.

She pocketed my V Card graciously, and before long bid me adieu.

I like to think she still occasionally takes it out, turns it over wistfully in her hands, and thinks of me.

V Cards are probably quite different nowadays. Contactless, for one thing. We met through work, since you ask – delivering newspapers for a local corner shop, paid a tenner each week. Just like you, I fantasised about ‘getting laid’, ideally ‘with a hottie’, perchance ‘in the club’. Didn’t happen. I was too awkward. Too weird. Probably still am. Probably you are too.

What, eventually, enabled me to splurge my V Card on an otherwise mundane paper round wasn’t a fresh haircut, tight jeans or devastatingly witty bantz. Although I’ve since learnt those things absolutely help.

It was boredom. Ennui. The girl and I were stuck doing a lame job, together, day after day. We chatted, figured out we didn’t hate each other. Nature took its course.

Up against a fire exit. Genuinely, I’m not exaggerating. Top floor and everything.

So, the best way to get laid is: find a boring job.

If there’s one thing I learned working for a newsagent: girls in the media are always DTF.

Andy

(Picture: Mmuffin for Metro.co.uk)

Hello Andy,

With Valentine’s day fast approaching, I was wondering if you had any advice for parents who want to keep the sexy spark alive?

Romantic Anon

Dear Romantic Anon,

Procreation f*cks up your sex life. No two ways about it.

Your offspring declare all-out war on your humping schedule. And never surrender. Think of it as your Somme of sex. Your Hiroshima off heavy petting. Your Birkenau of blow jobs.

There’s weaponry in your arsenal, sure. Babysitters, naps, relatives. Various tricks to crowbar in an hour or two of sprog-free intimacy.

But, alas, the female sexual psyche does not work that way.

Without spontaneity, basically, mummy ain’t putting out for shi*t. So I guess the advice I’d give is: surprise her.

Don’t try and fake sexiness with a fancy meal, or clumsily phrased verse. If you met at a nightclub then, by god, go to a nightclub. Make her feel how she felt the first time you tricked her into bed.



Make sure the kid has a babysitter, though. That bit’s really important.

Andy

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