CHICAGO—Saying it was ultimately a small price to pay in exchange for the splendid spectacle that has followed, millions of Americans admitted Thursday that they didn’t really mind having their Facebook data stolen if it meant getting to watch that little fucker squirm. “Sure, it sucks that my private information was confiscated and used in unauthorized psychological surveys—that’s completely inexcusable—but man, looking on as that arrogant piece of shit tries to keep it together has been great,” said longtime Facebook user Jerry Boesen of Naperville, IL, adding that he could hardly wait to see the massive pit stains appear on the smug prick’s signature gray T-shirts as he fumbled his way through a series of nationally televised interviews. “Just imagining that little fuck sitting alone in his office and avoiding phone calls as he attempts to fend off a never-ending deluge of lawsuits and congressional inquiries—My God, I think I could die a happy man.” At press time, the American populace was reportedly squealing with delight as shares of Facebook stock plummeted to yet another low.

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