Bengaluru

That you’re using a dating app need no longer be a secret. I’m 40 and want to keep it uncomplicated. I don’t want to commit myself to a relationship until I’ve sorted out my life. Till then, I’m just dating –Ian Dsouza, who is getting out of a 12-year-old marriage

Representational image

It (matches on dating apps) may or may not end up in a hook-up but sometimes when you’re travelling for a week, you want to meet someone other than your colleagues ­ –Ananth Menon

By Anupama BijurThe recent ads for a dating app endorsed by a lead Bollywood actor have had Twitter tittering about the connotation of “loose” used in the commercial. Clearly, dating apps have come of age, and at least in, are being used by older persons too, with decreasing social stigma.Take Gayatri Kumar. The 40-something divorcee has just subscribed to a newly-launched dating app. She’s paid up around `900 per month as fees and every day, receives matches of possible men she can date, according to the filters she has set: single / divorced men, men above 40, with/without kids, looking for a meaningful relationship. She spends about 15 minutes a day checking the matches. The mother of a teen says her daughter does not know she’s on a dating app, but she’s very encouraging when her mother’s friends set her up on dates. “I’ve used about four dating apps over the last 16 months. I registered with a dating app with a lot of trepidation. But I never went on a date when I was young. I had an arranged marriage, a baby and a divorce, all within seven years. My daughter is a teen now and I can think of myself without feeling guilty.” Kumar is not an exception. Gayatri has met many like her: successful working men and women in their 30s and 40s navigating the world of dating apps with less stigma.Like Anand Puri, a 45-year-old father of two who was divorced 12 years ago. “Social disapproval of dating or using dating apps is not as high as before, for older people,” he says. “The women I meet in Bengaluru are self-defined. They’re open to meeting up for a coffee or a drink, but they’re also practical. Some of them expect the men to pay (the Bollywood effect) but there are others who offer to pay for their own drink. It’s a good city in which to date. They understand dating better than the women in Delhi. Perhaps it’s the culture that they’ve grown up in. Women in Delhi have shaadi.com expectations from dating apps.”For those using dating apps, ‘matrimonial sites’ are bad words. “They tend to be transactional and don’t lend themselves to really spending time with a prospective partner,” says Siddharth Mangharam, co-founder of Floh, a seven-year-old match making platform. He believes there’s a definite shift away from matrimonial sites among professionals in urban India. “However, for people who obsess about caste and skin colour, matrimony sites are perhaps the best option even today.”Floh has 8,000 members across India. In Bengaluru, Floh has 3,000 members, with 55 per cent females and 45 per cent males. Sixty one per cent of its members are above the age of 30 and this is the core cohort of the community, says Mangharam.Roshni Sinha, 42, who has been dating for a year now says she has met men who are in their early 40s on a dating app. “Some have become good friends. Most of us have moved on from bad marriages or are still struggling in them so there’s empathy. But when I’ve met someone who seems date-worthy, it has moved very quickly. The man I’m dating introduced me to his family after a month. We seem compatible but neither of us is in a hurry to pop the question.”Ananth Menon is a Tinder Gold subscriber with many features that ordinary subscribers don’t get, like unlimited likes and super likes per day. For Menon, who travels extensively out of India, meeting up with someone through Tinder in a new town is better than staying holed up in a hotel room. “It may or may not end up in a hook up but sometimes when you’re travelling for a week, you want to meet someone other than your colleagues.” Kumar says she has paid up for one app, because of which she is “more disciplined about the amount of time” she spends on it. “I’m not a paid user of the other three apps.” Able Joseph, founder of Aisle Network, a searchable database for partner search concurs and says, “We’ve noticed that when people are committed they are willing to pay for “askouts’’ which is like a private message. “Still, many still approach this purple animal with caution. “Safety is paramount for me. I’m still new to dating apps and I don’t want to be stalked or hassled,” says Aparna Chauhan, who works for a biotech company. She spends 15 minutes a day going through the matches, which she says on most days are very uninspiring. “It’s hard work. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. That is, if safety is important for you.”Prarthana Rao echoes her feelings. She has chosen to be on a dating platform which is specifically for people over 30 called andwemet. “I register with dating apps only if they are recommended by a friend,” says Chauhan. Shalini Singh, the founder of andwemet says, “Friends and acquaintances using dating apps would say going onto a platform/app was intimidating and that they were concerned about trust. The only options available were dating apps that were either for hook-ups, or matrimonial sites. A significant size of 30-plus men and women were looking for neither, in Bengaluru and the rest of India.” Learnings that came in handy when Singh built her platform.New apps entering the fray are making their USP clear. While Bumble says it’s a ‘feminist dating app’, Bengaluru-based Betterhalf.ai is a partner-search app that bases its searches on artificial intelligence. “Thirty-five will soon be the new 30,” says Pawan Gupta, co-founder of Betterhalf.ai. Gupta and co-founder Rahul Namdev say their app is a partner search product with an intent to settle down in marriage or have long-term relationships. “Thirty percent of our user base is over 30 years of age and 36 per cent are females. By the time people cross 27-28 years of age, they have used many online dating products and have become dissatisfied. They’re less flexible, not in a hurry and parents have less influence on their decisions. Since most are very focussed on their careers, our ‘true compatibility’ partner search product uses Artificial Intelligence for professionals to find each other through scores based on multiple relationship dimensions and their interactions on the app.Snehil Khanor of TrulyMadly says percentage of users with the age 30+ (age at date of joining TrulyMadly) has doubled in the last five years. “Amongst our current active users, 38 per cent users in Bengaluru are 30-plus vis-a-vis 32 per cent pan India, with 40 per cent males to 35 per cent females. In the 28-plus age group, we have 60 per cent users in Bengaluru vis-à-vis 50 per cent pan-India. The gender break-up is 62 per cent for male and 55 per cent for female.As expected, the experiences of men and women using dating apps and platforms differs. Amar Sathe, a 40-something entrepreneur, who has been using dating apps since 2002, says, “It’s brutal, since there are few women on dating apps. Some have nothing to say and those dates can be a disaster. But I’ve also met some people who have become good friends and even business partners. I’m open to long-term relationships but I don’t want the women to have too high expectations.”For 43-year-old Harish Rao, age is not a factor. Unlike women, he’s not particular about the age of women he will engage with. “I’ve swiped right on a 22-year-old and we get along very well. Not every swipe results in physical intimacy. Sometimes, we just become good friends because there’s no spark. However, conversation is good.I’ve just come out of a difficult marriage and at the moment I’m looking for uncomplicated engagement with a like-minded person.”Ian Dsouza, who is in the process of ending his 12-year-old marriage sums it up. “That you’re using a dating app is no longer a skeleton in a cupboard. I’m 40 now and I’ve made it clear that I want to keep it uncomplicated. I don’t want to commit myself to a relationship until I’ve sorted my life. Till then, I’m just dating.”