Who’s up? Who’s down? Whose White House life is being made miserable in an attempt to coax out a totally voluntary resignation letter?

These Power Rankings are not meant to reflect every heart-quickening blip in our ruined, supercharged news cycle. They are just an incredibly precise accounting, both exacting science and gut-checking art, of the relative fortunes of the various members of the Trump Family Extended Universe. N.B.: the world may be a different place by publication time. Buckle up, friends.

1. Donald J. Trump (“Dad”; last week: 1)

Another week, another campaign promise to undo Barack Obama’s legacy fulfilled. Bye-bye, Iran Deal, the worst and most unfair Deal ever Dealed, its nuclear-deterrent capabilities soon to be replaced by an impenetrable Trump Deal Shield over the parts of America where it might be fun to hold a “Here Comes My Much, Much Better Deal, Can You Believe That Awful Deal I Just Killed?” rally. On to North Korea!

No one should dare poke even a toe into the Freudian bear-trap that is psychoanalyzing this president, but it had to feel good to undo one of his nemesis’s signature diplomatic achievements in the same week it came out that John McCain not only wants Trump nowhere near his funeral, but that Obama would be a eulogist. It’s as if a guy can’t get off one innocent “I like people who weren’t captured” crack at the expense of a lifetime P.O.W. public servant without getting his name crossed off the “Living Presidents I Would Like at My Memorial” list. It’s fine, he’s sending Mike Pence. And probably Melania, with strict instructions not to be photographed yukking it up with the Obamas again while Donald watches the coverage from the residence, figuring out how to permanently block the construction of a predecessor’s presidential library by executive order. Jared’s doing the research on that one while he waits for his clearance to come in.

2. Melania Trump (last week: 2)

The less said about the rollout of “BE BEST,” the . . . uh . . . better? Yes, its ungrammatical slogan does not exactly roll off the tongue. And, yes, Chuck Schumer already got his inevitable digs in at the seeming contradiction of being married to the International Cyberbullying Society’s Man of the Century. And, whoops, maybe they didn’t technically plagiarize some materials (or even the name of the initiative itself) from Michelle Obama, but that all could have been handled better. The memes were going to be the memes no matter how well she played it.

The real family scandal here, of course, is that Melania’s popularity ratings are way up. And you know what happens when somebody on the staff is pulling better numbers than the president: he starts to make their life unpleasant. You’d hate to see any strain placed on an otherwise very stable and loving relationship.

3. Donald Trump Jr. (“Donnie Jr.”; last week: 5)