If you’ve been hanging out on the internet lately, you’ve probably seen it: a creepy group photograph of all your ex-girlfriends, in doll form. It’s the New Ken Dolls, a Mattel roll-out that starts now and keeps on going indefinitely (many of the new Kens won’t be available ’til Spring 2018, EXACTLY LIKE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND)!

While it’s true that the New Kens are definitely lesbians, it’s also true that the Old Kens were lesbians. So, today I set out to definitively account for at least a solid chunk of the various lesbian Ken (short for “Kendall”) dolls that have come out since the beginning of Barbie-Time.

I was blessed to have the input of my team of queers here at Autostraddle.com, who shared their feelings on various Ken Dolls using our group chat on Slack.

Let’s begin!

75. My First Ken

Cameron: Figure skates with her partner Marcia on the weekends, practices for the winter pageant

Dufrau: It’s Brigitte Nielsen

74. All-American Ken

Dufrau: this color scheme is a nontraditional expression of All American.

Riese: traffic signs are apparently

patriotic

also reeboks

Jenna: i’m pretty into those reeboks actually

but i have questions about her jeans

are they like half-overalls somehow?

Dufrau: ohhhh thats the all-american part

theres a flag on the rolled down piece

Jenna: right but like, what if you roll it up

Dufrau: you never roll it up if you are all american

Jenna: oh right, my mistake

73. Animal Lovin’ Ken

Cameron: she’s a virgo, has exclusively lisa frank stationery. so a lot of it.

72. Route 66 Ken

“Art is so cool. I’m really into computer graphics. This university has great classes. Got my laptop with me wherever I go. Check out the design on my screen. Can’t wait to meet Barbie after class and show her what our newest project is.”

– The Box For This Doll

71. Rappin’ Rockin’ Ken

Jenna: yikes

Riese: yeah

Dufrau: oh no

Riese:

Dufrau: Everybody besides Ken here is Saved By the Bell, but Ken has not been saved at all

70. Totally Hair Ken

Molly: She looks like Bette Porter took her out to an opera one time in the 1990s

69. Concert Date Ken

Did you live in the suburbs in 2002 and listen to a lot of Newfound Glory? Congratulations, this is your ex-girlfriend. She’s got everything for a perfect date, including bleached tips!

68. Ken Sporty Fashionista

Dufrau: i just really don’t like this one

67. Moda Jeans Ken

Cameron: I think I saw her at the big gay block party ohio straddlers hosted last year

Molly: I like this Canadian Tuxedo

Dufrau: she looks like she would be a good baker. that’s just a feeling i get. good cookies and lots of em.

Cameron: She’d def welcome you to the neighborhood with a jell-o creation. maybe a casserole.

66. Pop Life Ken

Stef: this ken plays rhythm guitar in like maximo park, she isn’t the cute one in the band but she makes it work

65. Naf Naf Ken



Mey: I’m not sure what’s going on here

Cameron: what the heck is a nafnaf

Dufrau: i don’t know but i think this ken was probably in Go Fish

64. Great Shape Ken

Says she got her outfit at Goodwill, actually got it at Urban Outfitters

63. Ocean Friends Ken

Stef: stop it

62. Ken Model 15

Dufrau: She looks like somebody Jenny Schecter would have dated for an episode or two

Mey: I’d date her

61. Fashion Fever Ken

Cameron: are his jeans backwards

Dufrau: i probably wore this exact thing in high school tbh

60. Gianfranco Ken



Dufrau: she looks kind of mean and i like it.

and kind of elderly which is probably the real reason i like her.

59. Harley Davidson Ken

An obvious homage to Dykes on Bikes

58. Sporty Fashionista Ken

Stef: this ken’s dad is going to call back to speak to your manager and you are gonna be SO FIRED

57. Dance Magic Ken

Cameron: you’ll never outdress her. everyone stop trying.

Jenna: i would go with her to a fun 80s queer prom

56. Beach Time Ken

Beach Time Ken has had a really intense summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

55. Sun Sensation Ken

Stef: girl that mesh top

ken is a go-go dancer at hot rabbit but doesn’t like to talk about it

Jenna: sun sensation ken has definitely been awake for at least 36 hrs and she’s just running on cocaine and glitter

54. Doctor Ken

Even your grandmother who was only so-so about you dating women loves Dr. Ken. Like your whole family is so obsessed with Dr. Ken that they don’t even care that she’s not Jewish and they’re like, hang on to this one, don’t fuck it up! And you’re like YEAH I KNOW as if having a perfect girlfriend isn’t stressful enough already

53. Western Stampin’ Ken

Cameron: I’ve seen western stamping ken at like every drag king show i’ve ever been to.

Mey: Western ken is the rodeo queen (a real thing) at a gay rodeo

Molly: Western Ken looks like they just had a weird feeling when their friend touched their new belt buckle

52. Cheerleader Ken

Dufrau: She could be the director of a utopian society

Riese: or the director of a dystopian society

Cameron: That girl in middle school who could never have a social life because of ballet class? look at her now. She has an accent for some reason.

51. United Colors of Benneton Ken

Ken has a house in Saratoga mostly decorated with stuff she picked up in New Mexico when she lived there for a minute back in the ’80s. She’s very sweet and inquisitive and she has two large dogs she loves to pieces but you know what now that you mention it, she never really liked camping as much as the other girls did. Another love would be women’s music, of course.

50. Photo Student Ken / Photographer Ken & Her Golden Retriever

At first she gave it a whirl because why not, she’s pretty good at Instagram?

Look at her now!

Her hair is so long and her dog has a fanny pack!

49. Art Director Ken

“You are cordially invited to the world premiere of Modern Circle Production Company’s newest movie, Love in the City of Angels.”

– The back of this doll box

Art Director Ken is an asshole to everybody except you and her entire apartment is white and spotless even though she has a dog. She takes you to cool events. You have a crush on her dog-walker but the dog-walker is apparently straight, which is problematic and offensive.

48. Victory Dance Ken



Valerie: She started an all-female Warblers in protest of the original and they only sing songs made famous by men but they don’t change the pronouns

47. Wedding Day Ken

Ken is so excited that she finally convinced Alan to let her wear a suit instead of a dress to Midge and Alan’s wedding!

46. Earring Magic Ken



Dufrau: She was the bouncer at a Boston dyke night club when i was 22

45. Cool Lookin’ Ken

So truly this is me in 1994 wearing my Dad’s shirt from Structure and you bet your ass I’m wearing full-on boxer shorts underneath those GapKids khakis. I also have a pair of Joe Boxer underpants underneath the boxer shorts because I love layers and large telephones.

44. Skate Date Ken

Molly: DO SKATE DATE’S PANTS ZIP OFF AT THE KNEE

because that’s all lesbians i know

43. All-Star Ken

Mey: This is Claire, Jasika Nicole’s wife

42. Horse Lovin’ Ken

Cameron: She’ll steal your heart and your cattle

Mey: I’d definitely marry her

41. Adventure Ken

Sarah: Adventure Ken is basically exactly what a baby dyke would wear and bring to a lez bar for the first time.

Cameron: Adventure Ken was in Tiger Cruise the DCOM

Mey: Tiger Cruise the September 11 military family one?

Cameron: yeah

idk it was on a big boat

40. In-Line Skating Ken

She goes by her Roller Derby name on Facebook because she doesn’t want her toxic stepfather to find her. She’s a really loyal friend and a downright incredible girlfriend and always puts safety first!

39. Movie Date Ken



Dufrau: ok this one is just me on laundry day

38. Sporty Ken Fashionista

Valerie: What are the 100 poses

That seems like too many poses

Riese: puppy eyes

all the poses are different ways of serving puppy eyes

Valerie: Ohh

Jenna: yeah she’s always the sensitive one when she and her friends pretend to be a boy band

Valerie: Blue steel

37. Stylin’ Stripes Ken (2017)

Cameron: you think she’s gonna tell you about how we live in a post-gender, post-racial society but she surprises you by being super woke & you’re totally disarmed & you kind of hate yourself for it

36. Busy Ken With Holdin’ Hands!

Stef: same

Molly: SHE’S GOT HOLDIN’ HANDS

Stef: you can tell she’s genuine bc she has that sticker on her hip that says GENUINE

Molly: I love the cinch belt

Dufrau: She seems very attentive

Stef: Bringing you sodas

putting on some mood music

even answering your phone

Molly: “hey babe i saw your twitter rants today and picked up some calming lavender bath bombs”

Stef: she can’t be that busy

Molly: i don’t know how she does it

maybe we can have it all

35. Color Blocked Cool Ken (2017)

Cameron: i’d wear that.

Riese: yeah because this doll is you

Cameron: you might be right

Jenna: honestly i’d wear at least 75% of these outfits

Dufrau: yeah this is nice

34. Ken Fashionista Checkered Shirt

Stef: i think Deanne Smith owns this exact outfit

how does her hair even make that shape

Jenna: fucking dapper ken is wearing another outfit of mine what the fuck

step OFF, ken

33. Vintage Ken Doll With Matte Hair

Ken just got to Los Angeles from Missouri and before moving had really only ever hooked up with straight girls (there was like this whole THING in high school). She isn’t looking for a relationship, but she keeps falling in love with incredible women / making out with strangers at The Abbey / not knowing what to do with all these new feelings

32. Fashionista Ken Cutie

Dufrau: She dated two of my best friends sophomore year of college and ive never forgiven her for her behavior

Sarah: Cutie Fashionista Ken is the first time you get a dyke spike after listening to Viz by Le Tigre

Cameron: Cutie Fashionista Ken kept trying to be the Shane of the friend group

31. Sweet Talking Ken

Cameron: The actual Shane of the friend group & everyone’s mad about it

Dufrau: i think sweet talking ken looks like she used to be more buttoned up but then Shane gave her a makeover

30. Glitter Beach Barbie Ken

This is a lesbian who usually dresses on the masc side but always femmes it up for a thematic dance.

29. Tennis Stars Ken

Ken really oversold her experience with tennis on her first date with Barbie, which came back to haunt her five months later when it was time to go play tennis with Barbie’s parents, who were skeptical about Ken since Barbie has blown through so many girlfriends lately. Good news: Ken turned out to be really great at tennis, and you know how it goes: doubles, singles… they’re the champs!

28. Free-Moving Ken

It’s cool it’s not like they were soulmates! Ken’s fine. Ken’s totally gonna be fine.

27. Red White ‘n Wild Ken

Cameron: based on cynthia nixon’s wife’s tie at the tonys, i think she’d wear that coat

Alaina: rojo caliente the love of my life

26. Hip Hoodie Ken

Jenna: she likes to cuddle

Dufrau: she has a great haircut

25. Camp Ken

This is the blonde version of my ex-girlfriend, Marni, the co-director of A-Camp and an outdoor enthusiast.

24. Video Game Hero Barbie

Dufrau: Guy Fieri?

Mey: No that’s rainbow dash the lesbian pony from my little pony

23. Moschino® Barbie® and Ken®

Look me in the eyes and tell me this is not Nats Getty and Gigi Gorgeous.

22. The New Look Ken

This is what your ex wears when she drives by your house on her way home from work just to see if you’re around

21. Rainbow Prince Ken

Cameron: Well you can’t prove that she WASN’T a unicorn in a past life

Dufrau: She hosts a children’s show but adults watch because she is so soothing

20. Talking Busy Ken

Ken talks! She talks all the time! That’s been a big thing in your relationship, is both of you learning how to overcome your fucked up childhoods and communicate openly about your emotions so things don’t get bottled up. Ken’s having a tougher time accessing her emotions, but she will definitely talk about the things we do! Here’s what Ken will say:

I’ll bring my guitar to the party.

Help me pack for my vacation.

Have you heard Barbie’s new records?

Come on, let’s dance.

Hi, this is Ken (as if he was speaking on the phone).

Barbie’s a great cook.

19. Beachy Tropical Shirt Ken (2017)

Cameron: this is the outfit my friend wore to her bachelorette party. i’m not joking.

Dufrau: this is when you have a friend who is cuter than you and you’re just like “how the fuck??”

18. Preppy Check Ken (2017)

Jenna: gd i would also wear that one

ugh

Cameron: dressing just patriotically enough not to be called out at the family 4th of july cookout

17. Barbie & Friends

Ken is poly and has “fun” doing “things” with her “friends.” Look how happy she is!

16. Hyped On Stripes Ken (2017)

Cameron: this is just every summer gay.

Dufrau: this is Jenna Lykes except blonde. A COMPLIMENT I PROMISE.

15. Cali Cool Ken (2017)

Cameron: also every summer gay

Jenna: I feel like cali-cool said she would call you back, but she definitely didn’t call you back. And even though you didn’t really WANT her to call you back, it’s the principle of the thing.

14. Checked Style Fashionista Ken (2017)

DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

13. Classic Cool Ken (2017)



Jenna: oh man, she’s very hot

Dufrau: hot

Jenna: having some feelings about a doll rn

Cameron: she helped me find a book i was looking for a gender studies research paper & suggested something better. i revised my thesis.

then changed my major to joan.

12. Art Director Ken

Art Director Ken #2 is also an asshole but you deal with it ’cause she always gets bottle service for the table and has lots of stories about Closeted Power Lesbian parties in Palm Springs that happened in the late ’80s / early ’90s and she’s your only source regarding the possibility of Jada Pinkett-Smith being bisexual

11. Camo Comeback Ken

Cameron: She lost her snapback on a rollercoaster at Universal Studios.

Will not let you forget it

10. Big Brother Ken

Mey: Big brother ken is def a hot lesbian mom

Jenna: yeah, and she also owns a subaru

Mey: She ignores Sarah Pfefferman at PTA meetings

9. Fashionista Cutie Ken

Jenna: fashionista ken just came out

Dufrau: I think almost everybody has been this ken at some point

8. Cactus Cooler Ken (2017)



This outfit cost $400

7. Mermaid Ken

Mey: Based on the hair and necklace I’d say Mermaid Ken is a lesbian mermaid who is wearing a magical necklace that makes her human but bc magic is tricky, also a dude and she won’t turn into a woman until she kisses a girl or figures out she can just be trans.

6. Chill In Check Ken (2017)

So this is Present-Day Allison from the U.S. National Tour of Fun Home: The Musical.

5. Plaid on Point Ken (2017)

Alaina: This is a peak day two of A-Camp look when everyone wants to show off just how cute and queer they are so they wear their new wildfang button up AND wear hiking boots.

4. Barbie Dreamhouse Ken

Molly: oh god i’m dressed like barbie dreamhouse ken rn

I asked for pictorial proof of this situation, and she delivered:

3. Distressed Denim Ken (2017)

Dufrau: this one is just true. everybody is wearing that exact shirt right now.

Jenna: @dufrau I *am* wearing that shirt and that hair.

Ta-Da:

2. Ken Fashionistas Doll in Black & White (2017)

Like so many of you, I noticed that there is a Ken doll for every single one of my exes (who, let’s be real, might also be your exes). But what I wasn’t prepared for was a Ken doll that looks exactly like my PRESENT girlfriend. Wow! Good job Mattel!

1. Super Stripes Ken (2017)

Alaina: “Did they consult Brittani Nichols for this doll? Because this doll is Brittani Nichols.”

Brittani Nichols is definitely somebody’s ex-girlfriend, and is also a celesbian icon. Therefore, this doll is the #1 Most Lesbian Doll on the list. Congratulations!

Please show us your Ken pics: We Are All Lesbian Ken: Send Us Your Photos For A Community Gallery