These are dark times for the Mill, concerned reader, following the news that Premier League clubs have agreed to end all the transfer piffle, wiffle and waffle before the start of the season, despite noble resistance from Manchester City and Manchester United. It’s struggling to cope with the idea of getting its yellow tie out of the wardrobe at the start of August, which just feels too soon for Daniel Levy to get his chequebook out, for Arsenal to cock up their business and for West Ham’s owners to be labelled the Dildo Brothers.

At least they still know how to have fun in Turkey, where the transfer window doesn’t shut until today! And boy does the Mill need a hit of fresh, juicy gossip. Even if it’s an unlikely report of Fenerbahce signing David Silva from Manchester City or an admission that they won’t be signing Diego Costa from Chelsea.

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The Turkish side were after a new striker after seeing Robin van Persie ruled out for three months with knee ligament damage and thought that a deal for Costa was close. But it wasn’t. Because Costa is still lounging around in Brazil. “We were really close to sign Diego Costa but now we seem far away,” Aykut Kocaman wept. Whether the Fenerbahce manager will be cheered by today’s news of a significantly less exciting season-long loan move for Tottenham’s out-of-favour Vincent Janssen remains to be seen.

Juventus want to sign Pedro from Chelsea in January, while Barcelona are preparing a £9m deal for Palmeiras defender Yerry Mina and will allow Rafinha to leave in January. Arsenal, Liverpool and Tottenham are interested in the midfielder. Arsenal are also going to sign Monaco’s Thomas Lemar for £92m in January and pay him £250,000 a week. As simple as that. There is no reason to think that won’t happen.

It’s been three whole paragraphs since the Mill was able to write Dildo Brothers. But now it has another chance to write Dildo Brothers. Because West Ham’s owners, the Dildo Brothers – not the Mill’s words, remember, but those of Sporting Lisbon’s owner, the mild-mannered Bruno de Carvalho – are lining up a “cheeky January bid” for William Carvalho, even though negotiations over the midfielder’s signature have taken a turn for the pathetically childish. Good old Dildo Brothers, they never know when they’re beaten. Unlike their team.

Finally, José Mourinho is going to be offered a new contract by Manchester United. He plans to celebrate by telling Ashley Young that he can leave.

