At last we’re taking action to stop immigrants coming over here, and exploiting us by doing jobs no one else wants to do.

From now on, wherever there’s a field of strawberries, instead of letting Romanians muck us about by picking them and putting them in boxes, the fruit can go rotten so British maggots can have somewhere to live at last.

Because for too long unskilled immigrants have been coming over here using up our resources. For example, 17 per cent of staff in care homes are immigrants, which is much higher than the percentage of people who live in care homes, and depend on the staff. So our elderly are going to all that effort to create puddles of wee and sick and these foreigners are just sponging them up and walking off with them.

So it’s common sense to put a stop to it, just as if there are three people in your house, and one of them does all the cooking and cleaning and washing up, the most practical thing to do is kick them out for being a parasite.

In any case, most of the jobs will still get done, because as home secretary Priti Patel explained, there are “eight million inactive people in Britain”, who can do this work.

10 things immigration has done for Britain Show all 10 1 /10 10 things immigration has done for Britain 10 things immigration has done for Britain The Mini The 1959 classic, that is, perhaps our greatest piece of industrial design, a miracle of packaging and revolution in motoring. Its genius designer was Sir Alec Issigonis, who was an asylum seeker. His family, Greek, fled Smyrna when Turks invaded this borderland in around 1920, and he wound up studying engineering at Battersea Polytechnic. He went on to create that most English of motor cars, the Morris Minor, as well as the Austin-Morris 1100, all much loved products of his fertile imagination. Getty Images 10 things immigration has done for Britain Marks and Spencer Once upon a time there was no M&S in Britain, difficult as that may be to believe. 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Rex Features 10 things immigration has done for Britain The House of Windsor Or the House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha until George V prudently rebranded the family during the First World War. Well, our royals are a pretty German bunch, as well as having various types of French and other alien blue blood coursing around their veins. ‘Twas ever thus. There was William the Conqueror, Norman French, who certainly broke the immigration rules; William of Orange, a direct import from Holland; the Hanoverian King Georges, the first barely able to speak English; Queen Victoria, who married a German, Edward VII, who couldn’t stay faithful to his wife, a Danish princess; George V wed another German princess; Edward VIII married an American (though she hardly visited England and prompted his emigration and exile); and the Queen is married to man born in Corfu. The embodiment of the British nation, to many, but one thinks of them as quite multicultural really. 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Getty Images 10 things immigration has done for Britain The Sun Love it or hate it, and many do both, this has been a symbol of much that is successful and a lot that is awful in British journalism since its inception in 1969. In its turn it spawned the Page 3 Girl and some nastily xenophobic headlines. All the stranger when you consider its creator was, of course, Rupert Murdoch, born 11 March 1931 in Melbourne, Australia. Getty Images 10 things immigration has done for Britain Marxism OK, Karl Marx’s philosophy was not much of a gift to the world, but for a while it seemed like a good idea. Though we might not dare admit it, Marxism still has a few insights to offer to anyone wanting to understand the workings of capitalism, though too few to excuse everything that was done in its name. Born in Germany spent much time in the British museum and the British pub, buried Highgate Cemetery. Oddly, his ideas never really caught on in his adopted homeland. 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The largest section of this number is the retired, so that should work out perfectly. The elderly in care homes can become economically active by working in care homes, mopping up each other’s mess, saving money for the care home sector, by forgetting which one’s the carer and which one’s the resident, so they don’t have to be paid.

There’s 1.9 million of these inactive people looking after their families, which could be a baby or maybe a relative who needs full-time care. And that makes them ideal for popping to a building site and doing an eight-hour shift as a labourer. Maybe they could use their disabled mother’s wheelchair to push bags of cement around, adding an extra boost to productivity.

Presumably Priti Patel has looked at the details, and it must work out that the inactive people are all ideally suited to take over the jobs that will be left by stopping unskilled immigration.

If, for example, someone is economically inactive because they’ve had a triple heart by-pass in Sunderland, they are the obvious person to pick apples all day in Hereford. Because at the moment, we have the absurd situation where that job is done by someone capable of picking apples, and living in Hereford, but is foreign.

The proposal put forward by the government is we judge whether an immigrant is skilled by how much they earn. If it’s more than £26,500 a year, that proves they’re skilled enough to be of use to us and they can come.

If we’d enforced this rule across the whole of society over the last few years, we’d be so much better off. Owners of supermarkets would be welcome, but we’d be able to enjoy shopping so much more as you could wander round Morrisons in plenty of space, as it would no longer be crowded out by any staff, who would all have been deported.

And that should be the standards for immigrants. Instead of bar staff and nurses, robbing the country of £9 an hour in exchange for “work”, we can welcome people who are useful. So if a banker wants to come here and cause a financial crash, ruining the economy, that’s fine as long as they pay themselves a huge bonus. If they say sorry and pay themselves less than £26,500, they can piss off back home, the cheapskate spongers.

These unskilled immigrants should learn from the way the British have behaved when moving abroad. When British businessmen went to India and Africa, they were people with an independent income, earned by taking minerals from India and Africa and selling slaves, which meant they all earned over £26,500 a year and weren’t a drain on the resources of people from India or Africa.

And we carry on in this honourable way, by sending Spain our most skilled criminals. We don’t burden them with incompetent petty thieves who steal less than £26,500 a year, we let them have our highly trained bank robbers, because we care.

One of the rules proposed is immigrants will need a strong command of English before being allowed in, just as every British person who moves to Spain or France or Greece has a thorough understanding of how to shout “BUTTER. I said BUTTER. No, BUTTER, don’t you know what butter is – BUTTER,” before they settle into their new community.

One argument often put forward for tough immigration policies is once a government is seen to be tough on “outsiders”, it makes life easier for the immigrants already there, as there will be less resentment towards them.

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This is a strong point, and certainly seems to have worked well throughout history. Any time a government has been strong enough to blame foreigners for life getting harder, soon afterwards everyone gets along wonderfully.

This is why, in a few months Priti Patel will announce a new national holiday called Hunt the Pole Day, followed by newspaper columns insisting “Anyone who objects still hasn’t learned the lessons of the election”, and just will not learn why Labour lost.