( Even the "Midnight Ride of Paul Revere" story is a lie. Get The De-Textbook to find out who the real hero was, and why Longfellow screwed him over. )

Just because the holidays are here doesn't mean the Internet will take a break from doing what it does best: porno, porno, and blasting hogwash stories all across lazy news sites and your extremely gullible friends' Facebook walls . Here's another sack of viral turds for you, but hey, this time at least there's a little Santa hat on top!

4 No, a Guy Didn't Kill Himself Because His Girlfriend Wouldn't Stop Shopping

The mall can be pretty demanding during the holidays -- and just like '90s comedians taught us, so are the women. Right, fellas?

gawker.com

"Women be shoppin'! Men be droppin'! Headlines!"

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Yikes. Apparently a shopper took holiday grump to a new level when he ejected himself off the seventh story of a mega mall after his girlfriend accused him of ruining Christmas by not letting her buy more shoes. This totally happened at the Golden Eagle Shopping Center in Chi-

huffingtonpost.com

"This story reportedly 'journalism.'"

Wait, China? You know what that means: bull-fucking-shit. A man did fall to his death in that shopping mall this month, but conspicuously absent from the original Chinese article are the words "suicide," "girlfriend," and "shoes." This was followed by other, sketchier Chinese sites speculating that, hey, maybe he jumped because he was shopping with his girlfriend. It was apparently at this point that our old friends at the Daily Mail allowed their imaginations to soar and embellished the tale with talk of excessive footwear and Grinch-ism allegations.