I feel as if, because I’m a woman, I should have ready answers for every question about consent. Not so. Some of the questions below, from men of GQ and beyond, were very simple (there are no “harmless-but-unwanted” advances). Others took a lot more thought. I wish that for every scenario I could point to a consent North Star as clear as “no means no,” but I can’t. These questions are very important and very complicated, and you're right to seek out a smart answer, so please don't hesitate to send more to AskARealLiveLady@GQ.com (and subscribe to our dating, sex, and relationship advice newsletter).

“If I’m at a bar, flirting, how do I know where the line is between ‘playing hard to get’ and ‘leave me alone’?”

In the very bad movie He’s Just Not That Into You, Justin Long shares a very good rule, which I promise applies here: “If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.” If I don’t hear from a guy, he didn’t lose my number, he’s not out of town, and his grandma didn’t die. If a man really wants to see me again, the film suggests, he will hunt me down on Facebook, skip his business trip, and abandon his dying grandma to make it happen. That’s just as true for women. The idea that women are passive players in sex and dating is really outdated: If a woman wants to go home with you, very little will stop that from happening. So if you’re flirting with a woman and you’re not sure if she’s into it, leave her alone. If she was “playing hard to get” and she does really want to do sex with you, she will hurdle whatever sense of decorum you imagine lies in her path and seek you out. Next time you wonder if a woman is “too shy” to reciprocate, leave her alone. If she’s into it, she will look for you. She will find you. She will flirt with you.

“What kind of consent am I given when a girl agrees to come back to my place?”

Congrats! You now have her consent to check in roughly every minute to make sure she hasn’t changed her mind about going home with a stranger. If I get in a cab with a man I don’t know well, I panic. We could have been chatting at a party for six hours or we could have just had a great, fancy third date, and either way I would still be stricken with a jolt of “WHAT AM I DOING” as soon as we’re alone.

Up to that point it’s all drinks and romance, and I feel pretty safe because there’s other people around. There’s a pleasant, flirty momentum. But then we’re in the cab and it’s just us two, and I imagine all the rape-y worst-case scenarios. I sit there, suddenly very quiet, and I think of the people who read about “Grace” and Aziz Ansari and wrote stuff like, “If you are hanging out naked with a man, it’s safe to assume he is going to try to have sex with you.” I imagine Bari Weiss suggesting that if I felt so uncomfortable, I should have just kicked open the cab door and thrown myself into the street Lady Bird–style, or told the guy that I’d rather go home. In the moment those two options—risk physical injury, or risk marring a stranger’s night—seem like equivalent disasters.

Make it very clear, several times, that you’re not going to be bummed out if your companion changes her mind about coming home with you. Say “I just want to make sure you’re comfortable coming over, because I’m happy to exchange numbers and pick this up another time.” Either you’ll put her at ease, or you’ll give her the out she needs.

“Is making out a sign of consent?”

No. Giving consent for one thing doesn't mean you give consent for everything. (I have made out with plenty of people I would never want to bone, for example.)

“What is the most attractive, least awkward way for someone to ask for or give consent?”

Verbal consent doesn’t have to be a robotic, unromantic thing. I’ve always thought that asking for permission to do stuff was a nice way into dirty talk. Instead of “Do you consent?” at every turn, you can say stuff like “Does that feel good?” or “Do you want me to fuck you?” Those things count. Your goal shouldn’t be securing three to five prescribed “yeses” that will hold up in court later. Your goal is to make sure your partner knows you’ll listen to her, and stop, if she says she’s uncomfortable. So ask her questions that keep a dialogue open, and keep asking them. Don’t worry so much about semantics: Even a clinical, courtroom-appropriate phrase (“Do I have your consent to put my penis in your vagina?”) would sound sexy if a righteous man breathed it into my ear. Nothing is hotter than a man showing concern for my well-being, even if the words aren’t particularly smooth.

“I’ve read that men are supposed to get consent at each stage of a sexual encounter, but what are the ‘stages’ of a sexual encounter?”

If you’re checking in with your partner each time you round one of the bases, you’re already miles ahead of the guy who says, “Should I put a condom on, or...” and calls that asking for consent. Once again, I would point out that it is very attractive when a man is really attentive before, during, and after sex. So invent as many “stages” as you can. Don’t just check in before you kiss, go down on, or have sex with your partner. Check in when you change speeds, switch positions, and move your hands.

“What responsibility do men have to talk about consent with our guy friends, especially those with problematic views?”

Consent is like recycling. We all know the rules, but some people really only start following them when a friend shames them for throwing a Bud Light can into the trash. In other words, you must talk to your friends about consent. Sophia Benoit said it best here: