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The Labour party is to expel all its members before they can vote in the forthcoming leadership election and choose the wrong leader, according to a senior party source today.

Speaking to us via his diamond encrusted phone, former shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt said “Whenever you get lots of people enrolling to vote it spells trouble. And once you get lots of people suddenly politicised and united in their cause they invariably vote for a man with a beard. We had two options, make Owen Smith grow a beard, or sack the entire membership.

“Because the only way we’re going to win another general election is if we let Owen Smith and his Saatchi and Saatchi demeanour turn us right back into a faceless corporation that no longer cares about the poor, so some right wingers vote for us because they’ve mistaken us for the other lot.

“Of course, once in power we can get on with the proper business of having a high salary, an expense account and an absolute fortune under the counter from taking bribes from lobbyists. That’s why we’ve got to stop “the people” whoever they are, from trying to elect a man with a beard who would try to ruin it for us by ‘reducing income inequality’.”

Leadership challenger Owen Smith said that he would only want to take a leadership position if it were attained in the correct fashion.

“I want to be leader. But not through an election. I want to just land the job through schmoozing and manipulation without the slightest reference to democracy, like Theresa May did.” He confided.

“Thanks for all the twenty five quids though” he added.