I saw the new trailer for Pixar’s Brave.

It is glorious and beautiful and funny and poignant. It’s everything I could hope for from Pixar’s first film to feature a girl as the hero. This movie will be fantastic and moving. I must see it. I have not felt a such a imperitive need to see a movie since I was a child. I have a feirce, urgent longing.

But watching this trailer cuts me up inside. This film will shatter me. A plucky young girl constrained by gender defies family and convention to seize her own destiny no matter the cost. She will surely be put on a quest of self discovery, where she will face perils great and numerous while learning an important life lesson, before finally self-actualizing as the woman she wants to be. And all the while reminding me that she gets for free what I have to bleed for.

Cyanide catnip.

That’s the worst part of being trans; how vulnerable it makes you. I hate this. I hate that I get hurt like this. It can sneak up on you, slash you to the quick, and leave you curled up and screaming while everyone stands around wondering what’s wrong. Sometimes it’s stuff you love, or want to love, and that hurts the worst.

I will see this film. I must see this film. I should probably avoid seeing it in public.