By a margin of 13, the British House of Commons today declined to offer Prime Minister David Cameron the authorization to take military action against the regime of Bashar al-Assad in Syria, but did pass a motion authorizing military intervention in the United Kingdom, where the situation has been described as becoming “increasingly out of control.”

Over the next two weeks, British military forces will act unilaterally to occupy the entire United Kingdom in a concerted effort to put an end to years of subtle, structural violence committed against its people by tabloid newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Sun, as well as television shows such Little Britain and The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Cameron spoke to the House after the votes, expressing a mixture of disappointment and relief.

“Obviously I am disappointed with the outcome of this motion on Syria, but I want the British public to know and understand that I have heard them, and I will respect their desire for restraint,” he said. “I am also very glad that we have finally found the courage to do what is right and take violent, forceful military action against our own country for its transgressions, in a genuine effort to put a stop to such atrocities as Boris Johnson’s hair and the Willsandkate.”

The international community has faced immense pressure to act against Britain in recent months, as video from The Jeremy Kyle Show emerged on daytime television, apparently showing host Jeremy Kyle practicing his revolutionary system of restorative therapy, a programme which involves screaming at lower-class families until they cry.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has described the video as “unsettling.”

After voting for intervention in Britain, opposition leader Ed Miliband said that while he felt for the victims in Syria, the U.K could not in good conscience prioritise their plight “while Jeremy Kyle still lives.”

Britain’s unilateral action against itself comes after months of trying to pass a resolution on its behaviour through the UN Security Council, an effort that has repeatedly failed after permanent member France promised to veto any resolution that would tangibly improve British society.

U.S. President Barack Obama welcomed news of the intervention, but said that further action may be needed, as the problem was not confined to the U.K. He warned the international community that there had already been an American version of Jeremy Kyle, and that reports suggested “substantial Piers Morgan” may have spread to the United States.