SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just duck into the liquor store and arrive at her house with the perfect present,” said Lance Cassidy, 24, telling reporters that he knew his mother would love anything he picked out with an ABV of 20 percent or higher. “Of course, all of us kids try and find some special booze that she has an emotional connection to, but at the end of the day, I know she’d be just as happy with a huge plastic bottle of Popov as some finely aged small-batch bourbon as long as it came from us and will get her absolutely shitfaced.” Cassidy added that he and his siblings faced significantly greater challenges shopping for their father who almost always exchanged whatever they gave him for cash to feed his gambling addiction.

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