When I woke up last Thursday and learned that well-known far-right provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos had been successfully repelled from our campus by protesters, I was at first seized with a buoyant, radical-leftist glee.

“What a thrill it is to close off my mind to outside ideas, even if they are from violent white supremacists,” I exclaimed, fascistly. “Such joy fills me as I continue to shut myself off from the ‘real world’ and get brainwashed by evil liberal professors, who are probably also Jewish,” I proclaimed, as I defecated on a photograph of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. protesting nonviolently and being embraced by previously racist southerners. “At last, I am free from the critical thinking I surely would have been forced to experience by listening to this racist harass transgender students,” I shouted, joining my peers in metaphorically stabbing the Free Speech Movement and watching it bleed out on the steps of Sproul Plaza, just feet from where it had been birthed by known white supremacist apologist Mario Savio.

But, just as my rapturous euphoria was reaching its peak, I was interrupted by an unpleasant thought: Am I not Berkeley’s foremost homosexual political troll? Do my flamboyant and disruptive ASUC-related antics presage a darker future? Is this my villain origin story? Am I … Milo Yiannopoulos?

Though I was quickly able to reassure myself that I had not yet descended into full-blown Nazism, I know that for the layperson, the world of gay assholes can be difficult to penetrate. Therefore, dear reader, I invite you to join me on my journey of personal self-discovery.

Like Milo, I achieved notoriety for my controversial opinions that were regularly published in a very powerful and influential publication. Milo is the tech editor for Breitbart News, the infamous far-right fake news generator that now controls the president of the United States. I am a former opinion columnist for The Daily Californian, the unpopular campus newspaper that controls people walking past a pile of today’s papers who think, “I’m not really doing anything right now.” However, Milo has used his platform to trumpet opinions that are Bad and Wrong, like the assertion that women who dare to express opinions about video games should be harassed off the internet. Conversely, my opinions are always Right and Awesome, like the assertion that ASUC senators who do not join me on my fruitless crusade to punish anti-queer chalkers should feel bad about themselves.

Like Milo, I often dress flamboyantly for attention, pull stupid publicity stunts and am very gay in a way that my enemies find extremely irritating. Unlike Milo, I am enough of a critical thinker to make it through the mental gymnastics necessary to reach the conclusion that merely being gay is not enough to preclude being a traitor to the queer rights movement. I therefore will likely be less surprised than Milo when we are both shipped off to Vice Emperor Mike Pence’s conversion camps. Sad!

Like Milo, I constantly have enormous and distracting bags under my eyes. But unlike Milo, I at least have the wherewithal not to have bleached tips. I have historically and consistently been against bleached tips; in fact, it was an important cornerstone of my ultimately unsuccessful 2015 campaign for ASUC president. I fervently pray that the American populace has not regressed enough to disagree with me on this point.

Like Milo, my free speech rights have never been violated by a government entity. Milo was at no point stopped in his quest to directly target and harass students on campus by the campus administration, which claimed that defending those students would violate the principles of free speech, even though it is the explicit job of that administration to defend the safety and well-being of all its students. I was at no point stopped in my quest to write annoying opinions that nobody read every week, despite the fact that an actual sitting ASUC senator tried to get me fired for being too mean. But unlike Milo, I have a basic understanding of what free speech is and understand that a group of students exercising their right to assemble and petition the government for a redress of grievances is not tantamount to the collapse of the republic. I also understand that the president of the United States threatening to retaliate against said assembling and petitioning actually is tantamount to the collapse of the republic.

Like Milo, if you Google Image search “Milo Yiannopoulos,” my headshot comes up. Unlike Milo, you have to scroll down, like, four pages to find it. I guess I lose there.

Finally, and perhaps most egregiously, Milo regularly refers to Trump as “Daddy.” I use “Daddy” as a term to refer only to people with whom I have a business arrangement to receive money, such as my biological father or other older partners of a decidedly different nature. I am fully confident that Donald Trump has never given Milo money as Trump is a well known con artist who never pays anybody unless he absolutely has to.

So, am I Milo Yiannopoulos? I confidently assert that I am not … yet. So until a time when my popularity is boosted to “leading vast armies of sexually frustrated internet trolls” levels, I caution you that if you continue to feed my already-bloated ego, you do so at your own risk.

Jake Fineman is a campus celebrity and local alcoholic.

“Off the Beat” columns are written by Daily Cal staff members until the spring semester’s regular opinion columnists have been selected. Contact the opinion desk at [email protected] or follow us on Twitter @dailycalopinion.