It’s Impossible to Be Racist to White People, but Here’s Our Best Shot

Cracker. Honky. Whitey. Redneck. These are among the many terms that aren’t racist because it’s impossible to be racist to white people. Racism is a thing white people do, not a thing they suffer from. But fuck it. There is nothing in life not worth trying once.

So we’re going to give it our best shot.

White motherfucker, look at you. Y’all have been racist for so long you’re inbred within an inch of your lives. Think about it- you spend a day in the sun, your skin turns red and starts falling off. You gotta put fucking glue in your limp-ass hair just so you don’t look like a wet cat. You’re like somebody took a weed whacker to the human genome.

Nice sunglasses, though. Cool tattoo. Seriously, did your mom fuck an NPR tote bag?

Everything you touch starts to suck. You’re like the King Midas of lameness. Your ancestors literally traveled the world taking everything cool and making it corny, and keeping up that tradition is the only fucking thing you contribute to the world.

Your skin color is a cancer. The planet would be better off without you on it.

You ever waited 30 minutes on a hot sidewalk to buy a taco from a truck you heard about on a food blog? That’s white people taking a cheap food from another culture, building a cage around it and charging admission. That’s what white people add to culture- you fucking don’t. You take. But I heard they put truffles on top! $15 extra. Groovy.

Oh, you’re not rich? You don’t exploit people? You don’t own a business? That just means you started on third base and couldn’t run a measly 90 feet. You’re a white person getting oppressed by other white people. Good for you.

White Americans are such trash that you hate yourself for being one. You tell everybody you’re “part Irish” and pretend to like soccer since that semester you studied abroad in England. You’re so fucking white you have to steal culture from other white people.

You don’t even have a fucking culture.

Oh, you’re “one of the good ones” are you? You support social causes? You promote black artists? You skip the N-word when you rap along to hip-hop albums? Yeah, I bet you would have been real nice to your slaves, too. Slavery didn’t end, y’all just figured out you could enslave the money and make the other cultures dance for it. If you don’t know that, you’re not one of the good ones, you’re one of the stupid ones. Fuck you.