WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with an active shooter is grab their direct supervisor and block as many incoming bullets with their body as possible,” said lead researcher Jenna Pirdham, adding that while some would hesitate to throw a coworker into the line of fire, that instinct immediately disappeared if that coworker was just one level higher on the corporate ladder. “Even if they reported positive working relationships with their boss, the vast majority of employees had zero qualms diving behind them and letting them take the hit instead. And afterwards, over half of those polled reported that they would be fine tossing their boss’s body aside, running away, and never looking back.” Pirdham went on to add, however, that this was all under the assumption that management had not already locked themselves in an office and left everyone else to die.

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