“JUST hit the middle one Greevesy” says Justin Langer as I swing wildly at another Ben Edmondson thunderbolt.

Have you ever played cricket with a hangover? I’ll bet you have, and if you haven’t, you are a kid, or just ain’t doing it right.

It’s this philosophy to preparation, prominent in the early 2000s, that is plaguing England as they trek around the Australian countryside.

Brisbane has The Normanby = DANGER

Perth has The Avenue. And back in the day The Cottesloe and Ocean Beach Hotel (OBH) double couldn’t be missed = DANGER

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Looking back to my time in Perth, with a smile, I’m hit by the stern, yet nasally, voice of JL as a reminder that we played cricket there too.

But that’s the beauty of batting with a hangover: being able to sing songs to yourself, laugh and ride the ultimate feeling of freedom is what we are all chasing when holding the willow.

Proving my point are the two 99 not outs I made in domestic cricket. Damn, those Novocastrians know how to party!

It’s why you’d be even more surprised to know that even though I displayed the behaviours of a drunken baboon all throughout my playing career, I was voted onto the very first Tasmanian Tigers leadership group!

I know. What the actual?

You see, the selection criteria to be a leader in cricket runs only one tick box deep.

1.Stronger statistical performance than everyone else

It’s why the current vice-captain of England, James Anderson, having a beer tipped on his head, the day a midnight curfew was lifted, makes him the shining-light example of England’s views on what they accept, promote and attribute to leadership in their early 2000’s culture.

Like head-butting, you don’t tip a beer on someone’s head in a playful act of friendship, unless of course you’ve got the angles of the Eskimo greeting all wrong.

The key question in this is: What did James Anderson do to get a beer on his head?

Have you had a beer poured on you before? If so, give thought to why? The answers aren’t pretty.

It’s not likely we’ll ever know exactly what caused Swan Draught to spill into the g-string of James Anderson; but that won’t stop us in a little speculation.

Speculation – Anderson running the views of cricket’s broader cultural problem by acting big dog on the young pup through the games played, wickets taken, runs scored at the highest-level algorithm – the same flawed algorithm that flows into DRS decisions. Young pup ain’t taking that nonsense and goes SPLASH!! And if I’m right, well done young pup.

Either that, or Anderson brought young pup a beer in a plastic cup ala Andrew Symonds.

It is further proof that cricket needs to align itself closer to the recruitment strategies of the modern-day work place and its process in selecting leaders.

That leadership should not be set as a peer based vote and nor is it just bestowed upon you because you are very good at hitting or bowling a ball.

There are certain behavioural codes that need to be aligned to your personality so large groups of people will want to follow you.

Firstly, secondly and thirdly, you have to want it.

Does James Anderson want to enact change, set the example on behaviours, change a culture that is back dated to a time of semi-professionalism?

Based on the above, you’d have to say no.

Meanwhile, Joe Root gets a yes for choosing sleep over debauchery at The Avenue.

Give Australia a little credit here, they are making progress across this side of their culture.

Their public displays of Englandesque behaviour have been limited to David Warner bopping Joe Root – 2013 – and more recently, Steve O’Keefe slipping up a couple of times. But hey, he has been made to pay… by having his state based suspension lifted for representation of country.

Oh, and in 2015, Jimmy Faulkner got done DUI in England; when in Rome!

Progression takes time, alright!

Let’s be honest. This is a straight cricket thing. It is one of the only sports in the world where drinking plays the key role in its social fabric.

You reckon an Olympic rower is on the ran tan three days out from competing. A week? A month? At all?

Where is that Family Feud buzzer? BAH BOW.

If changing that is your thing, then any attempt towards progression needs to be led by the right people. And it has to come because your entire group believes it to be important.

And in England’s case, and perhaps Tasmania of 2008, they are getting it grossly wrong.

This is where we remember that James Anderson is the fill-in vice-captain for Ben Stokes...

GULP.

My advice to England: for now, just embrace your existing culture. Lift the curfews, enjoy yourselves in Australia, because it seems as a collective you are incapable of meeting the expectations of your leaders in Trevor Bayliss, Root and Andrew Strauss. But fear not, you are not the only cricket team in the world battling that expectation.

As an aside, lullabies on the stroke of midnight don’t work for grown men. And it’s why curfews are for school camp.

But perhaps the most important advice to embracing your existing culture, comes from the wise head of Justin Langer.

“Just hit the middle one.”