We will be hosting our son, daughter-in-law and 3-year-old grandchild at our winter home for 10 days. My daughter-in-law is extremely lazy: She takes frequent naps and spends hours scrolling on her phone. My son is better, but he lays around in bed a lot, too. At their home, dishes go unwashed; clothes lie on the floor, etc. What can I say to them, when they are in our home, about napping and phone use, particularly when our granddaughter is awake? They try to get her to nap with them, often to no avail. (I have to say something to prevent myself from going crazy!)

ANONYMOUS

I have heard this tale many times, occasionally from the perspective of the adult children. Their version often goes like this: “We were fried from work and taking care of our toddler, so we visited my parents for a week. Hello, catch-up sleep and free child care! But they hounded us from the minute we walked in the door.”

Here’s the disconnect: You are thinking of your son and his wife as houseguests, while they may see you as the source of a free vacation (with maid service and a nanny included). Clear up any confusion by setting reasonable limits. No good will come from antagonizing them, especially if you want to keep seeing your son and grandchild.

Don’t try to boss them around over naps and phones as if they were kids. But if their clothes or dirty dishes litter public areas, ask them nicely to tidy up. Also, decide how much you are willing to watch your granddaughter (whether her parents are busy napping or solving national crises) and convey your wishes clearly.