Dear Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow,

I know this invite is late coming to you—turns out the address I had on file for you was out of date?—but CLEAR YOUR CALENDAR FOR A WEEKEND IN NEW ENGLAND! (And gosh, don’t us goop-ers know how much you love New England this time of the year.)

Can I call you Gwyn—I feel like we’re that close—so Gwyn, let’s talk your fall social schedule and an event that mysteriously has been missing from it for the last, ehh, four years: Country Strong’s Nohoberfest. Yes, yes, it is the world’s preeminent Country Strong festival recognizing and celebrating one of the most triumphant pieces of art from the last century: the film responsible for giving the world Tim McGraw in a toupee and Connie Britton another shot at television relevance—I hope you are receiving some sort of residuals from her and the show Nashville. How the Academy overlooked your breathtaking performance, and the film as a whole, will go down in history as one of the colossal blunders of our time. Whatever your excuse has been in past years, we’re willing to forgive your absences, but the fact that this marks the remarkable fifth year and has attracted people like Bill from Utah or Sarah from Colorado, we feel obligated to ask you to take a break from your Jennifer Lawrence tea dates and sparring matches with Ms. Stewart to celebrate yourself among the finer things of the season: ciders, stews and gourds. All local, organic, gluten-free and vegan-friendly—did you even have to ask?

We know there is nothing in the world you like doing more than celebrating yourself, so shine your heirloom cowboy boots, dry clean your favorite mohair peplum coat, and meet us at the Northampton, MA leaf pit in a couple of weeks. We’ll supply the stone fruit salads, roasted beet and carrot soup, and the crispy kale chips if you supply all the behind-the-scenes set stories, like the time you and Garret Hedlund convinced Leighton Meester that Tim McGraw was actually allergic to water and the only way to sober him up was collecting saliva, which reminds me…The traditional beverage of the festival is Colt 45; how do you feel about malt liquor?

Alas, we want to laugh with you. Soak up all your bourgeoisie wisdom. Teach us how you so deftly walk the line between cattiness and obliviousness. We’re full Paltrow in our hearts, and we’ve never been more in need of our life coach!

Have your peoples direct message my peoples and we’ll iron out the deets: arrival times, security, necessary gluten-parameters and perimeters for that matter, whathaveyou.

Isn’t it time Chris watched the kids for a change? We’ll even make him promise he won’t feed them white flour or real sugar.

Warmest regards,

Rean Sosenberg

P. S. The artwork alone for We’re Barely Alive, Nohoberfest Five: An Unconscious Coupling is not to be missed!