JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives. “We’ll always share mutual admiration and respect for one another, but the reality is that our individual schedules have us fucking people in different cities around the world over 40 weeks out of the year,” the statement read, which went on to say that Woods and Vonn are each so busy running around riding rock-hard cock and deep-dicking tight, dripping-wet pussy that it is virtually impossible to devote adequate attention to their relationship. “We’ll have a couple days alone here or there, but then Lindsey will head to the airport for a three-day gang bang at a Switzerland ski resort, or Tiger will line up a few amateur fetish models in Miami and be gone for two weeks. By the time we get a few moments to ourselves, we barely have the energy to get on the sex swing together and fuck all night.” The pair added that they will always cherish the memories they made while double-fisting each other in front of a group of their closest friends.

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