2006 Adam was a sight to behold. He had, in recent years, only just realized how he disliked baseball, and instead, became a soccer fan. He taught himself soccer through FIFA games, Yahoo! Answers, and getting into arguments on the old message boards on Soccer.com because he didn’t know anything and he was talking to people who were getting on the message boards on Soccer.com.

2006 Adam was also very, very excited about “Don’t Tread” the rap song by Clint “Deuce” Dempsey and Big Hawk.

But was “Don’t Tread” a good song? Surely not, I assumed, when I said as much on Twitter, before noticing a not-insignificant amount of people who still held fondness in their hearts for the song. So I decided to run through the entire thing, and see if it passes any sort of smell test whatsoever.

The Opening Monologue

This is very typical rap rhetoric. “We came from nothing;” “look at us now.” In a way, you could say that Clint Dempsey was a forerunner to Drake ever putting out “Started From the Bottom.” Here’s the thing about it: while that intro might have been true of Clint Dempsey, and Eddie Johnson, who really did grow up in poor areas…the same did not ring true for large swathes of the United States Men at the time. So, yeah, it starts out probably from the heart, but the “we” but is a bit much.

It’s not a new concept, but the idea of rappers stating their bonafides and accomplishments at the beginning of the song is not unlike warriors in ancient epics being introduced by the things they’ve won and people they’ve slain. It’s an important part of the genre, and if you don’t have some sort of authenticity in your background, you become an easy target. See T, Pusha beef with Graham, Aubrey. So when Clint says “we were those kids” playing on dirt fields, and my first thought is “yeah? Was Landon Donovan every playing on a dirt field in his life?” It’s not a great start.

Also, I absolutely guarantee that there was never a time when the USMNT said “Don’t Tread” to each other whenever negativity came their way.

Verse 1

The first verse of the song actually starts very well, even by today’s standards. “Think soccer ain’t a sport / then why Nike sign me?” is an absolute BAR and really can’t be assailed. Clint Dempsey got Nike money. Doesn’t matter what you think about soccer. Man got paid and now he has more money than you. It’s a very good flex. He meanders around tough guy rhymes for a bit after, which isn’t so terrible when it comes off of such a strong push at the top of the verse.

And then it happens.

Best give way for the USA, now we’re hot, you might think we’re a sun ray.

…oof. That is not good. That is bad. That is a terrible bar. The verse really sputters out from here, although he does give props to DJ Screw, making sure he really hammers home those Texas rap credentials. A promising start giving way to a mediocre finish. If that hasn’t been the United States Men since 2006, I don’t know what is.

Does it bang? I’ll let this one scrape by with a passing grade. But that grade is a C.

Hook

So, the hook just does a lot to pay off the line “Don’t tread on this” several times. It’s not really an easy line to make sound good or tough or in any way intimidating. But it’s got a decent flow to it and I’ve heard far worse hooks in my lifetime.

Does it bang? Look, it tells me to bob my head to this, and I still bobbed my head to it. I don’t know what you want me to do.

Verse 2

I’m not going to spend a ton of time here, because this is the part of an actual rapper in the form of Big Hawk, who spends most of his time praising Clint Dempsey’s skill, which is kind of a funny tribute on Clint Dempsey’s song. I’d just like to point out a few things:

The line “I’m official like the check on my AF1s” is hard. The line “Don’t tempt me / or I’ll cross you over like / the Great Clint Dempsey” is not hard, but it is extremely funny. This is the part of the music video where they really try to make it look like the music video to “Still Tippin’” by Mike Jones, Slim Thug, and Paul Wall. And yeah, Big Hawk actually ran with DJ Screw and is a legit Houston rapper, but it starts to feel like Houston rap cosplay around about this point. Probably because mixed in with the shots of Big Hawk and people ghost riding cars on an empty seat is a circle of people bopping like they’re at a rap concert but they’re all just watching Clint Dempsey juggle a soccer ball.

Does it bang? It does not bang. Sorry, Big Hawk. Standards are higher for real rappers, and this verse can’t escape the fact that this was a Nike production.

Verse 3

The start of the final verse is where the wheels really come off. It is well-documented that Clint Dempsey is not afraid of a scrap. But this being a Nike production and Clint presumably not being allowed to swear or say anything more threatening than “don’t wake a sleeping giant unless you want to see him pissed / though I’m quick with the feet you ain’t seen the fist.” Like…ok? It doesn’t do much to strike fear into the hearts of men. People get punched all the time. I, a person who avoids conflict like Ronaldinho avoids his passport, have been punched, and have punched people. It’s just not a really good rap threat because we know Clint Dempsey can’t really do anything to anyone. Chief Keef can go kill a person tomorrow, then release a song about it next week, and we’d all probably believe him. Clint Dempsey? We know that *the absolute most* he can do is throw a punch, and even then, that might get him in trouble still. Again, the authenticity question comes back to haunt him.

This goes away towards the end of the verse when he starts rapping about money again! Clint Dempsey got more money than you! And even if “grinding more ice than a hockey skate” is a goofy line about it, look at the size of his watch! I can’t really refute that! He is, in fact, grinding more ice than a hockey skate. Possibly even several hockey skates. Who is to say?

Ultimately, I think the song as a whole would benefit from more money bragging and less tough guy posturing. And probably less juggling hip hop circles.

Does it bang? No, not really. Sorry Deuce, and also sorry that that was the nickname you got dealt.

Final Results

No, the song isn’t a good song. But I will say that I enjoyed far more parts of it, listening back to it for the first time in at least a year or two today, than I thought I would. The hook is pretty good, and a good hook can cover a multitude of sins in the verses. Just look at J. Cole.

I am very tired and don’t have a good idea for trivia today, so I’m going to skip it. But here’s the answer from yesterday:

Four men’s players have scored in four separate World Cups. Here they are, in order of total World Cup goals scored.