life-in-grayscale:

Many months ago – while we were still having housewarming parties to celebrate moving in together – Shen made an offhanded remark about how one of the couples might not attend due to a fight they were having. I would have thought nothing of his comment had he not appended it with, “They fight like a normal couple!”

Though I did not know the pair particularly well, it seemed to be an unusual thing to point out. As I contemplated its significance, however, the more important Shen’s acknowledgment of the difficulty of relationships felt. To be sure, we most commonly interact with couples when things between the two are going well. This can mislead us into thinking that relationships are easy because we do not hear about the disagreements they had about whose turn it was to fold the laundry, walk the dog, or what to do during the long weekend.

Despite the ease with which I typed the above, I must confess that I find it difficult to remember my own words. All couples will disagree at some point, which is a perfectly normal occurrence, but it almost never feels “ordinary” in the moment.

On the matter of cleaning, I feel as though I am the more fastidious one. I enjoy clean floors, straight creases in my t-shirts, and organized cabinets. I am sure you can then imagine my annoyance when we somehow acquired a fruit fly issue that weeks of cleaning could not dispel. I am sure you can then imagine my rage when I opened up Shen’s kettle to see that it had acquired a floating layer of scum and served as a murky oasis for the infestation.

I certainly do not expect Shen to have the same preference for cleanliness that I have, which is why I am more than happy to put in the extra effort necessary to keep the apartment more or less where I would like it to be in terms of hygiene. I seem to have acquired a perverse enjoyment of cleaning that my father would undoubtedly wish I had in childhood.

At the time, Shen’s kettle felt like a slap in the face. I once spent an entire day cleaning the apartment – literally from top to bottom – as though we were about to move out the following morning. I wiped down every container and surface in our many cabinets. I was pulling apart the dishwasher trying to find some nonexistent, hidden refuge that the flies had been using. All the while Shen insisted that the swarm had nothing to do with him.

The discovery of his kettle therefore set off an unhappy evening. Although it was an oversight – admittedly a nasty one – it was all too easy to see intent where it did not exist. I think there is an expectation among many people that merely being in a relationship and loving someone automatically brings out the best in us. Therefore, dating someone who makes us angry or causes us to throw our hands up in frustration sometimes is a sign that the endeavor was misguided from the start. However, I think it may be more productive to say that being in a relationship gradually makes us into better people rather than flipping some kind of switch that transforms us from demons to angels.

If, overall, we mostly encounter stories about couples that paint relationships as an unrealistically stress free and entirely joyful affair, then I hope this essay will serve as a useful counterweight. Shen will inevitably do things that annoy me and I will similarly fall well short of his expectations. We will disagree on numerous things, as we already have, but that is to be expected. It does not mean I love him any less or that these spats portend an ominous future.

Instead, I think it may be useful to think of any romantic relationship as being like a kaleidoscope. It would be a rather dull affair if there were a single piece of plastic in there. However, to disagree and overcome an issue is akin to adding another color or another shape. It may not be that impressive in the moment, it may even be uglier, but that is not a reason to discard the device. Time will turn it into something much more interesting.