Are young men giving up on women and checking out of society? That was a question recently posed in two articles (article 1 and article 2), which commented on the global trend of young adult males who are retreating into porn, video games, and lad culture. These articles resonated with so many readers that they garnered over 500 comments from men. People even took to Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube to share in the conversation. While there was much talk about the problem, there was little talk about the solution, which bothered me as a mother of three daughters who is concerned about their prospects for relating to the opposite sex, as they grow older. So, I’d like to share some advice in an attempt towards bringing healing and unity between the sexes.

Stalemate: The Current State of Affairs in the War Of The Sexes

Popular culture tells us that the cause of the war between the sexes is patriarchal and misogynistic men. As a result, we now have women engaging in lesbianized third-wave feminism. In this most recent wave, we have women who throw tampons and condoms at government buildings or show up angry and bare-breasted in order to protest for the right to kill their own children. As ridiculous as that sounds, it’s just one example of what they’re doing, and it is why many women like myself want NOTHING to do with the feminist movement. We don’t identify with the victim mentality. We don’t believe that our own empowerment will be found and maintained by disempowering men or our own children.

Although there are many women who believe like me, many college age students today are getting lessons on feminism or are being required to take mandatory consent classes for dating. Some say that college age men today are completely clueless or scared about how to engage with women. There is a fear of being accused of rape, along with a fear of court and educational systems that seemingly give women preferential treatment.

"I'm an athlete. My parents have a lot of money. I have plenty of friends and a good social life. I don't hang out with women any more. Occasionally I'll have one night stands, but mostly I fill my time with other things. I got accused of molesting a girl at college and since then I've just thought, whatever. I play sports instead." ~ Francis, 28

Not only is this lifestyle pervading the United States and Great Britain, but also Japan where so-called ‘herbivores’ (translated as grass-eating boys) are not only shunning sex, but also careers. What do they prefer, instead? Taking long walks, visiting Buddhist temples, and playing computer games. They have no desire to live up to any cultural expectations concerning relationships or work.

Some claim that this is no doubt the result of social engineering. More specifically, they say it’s a by-product of third-wave feminist teachings around the world, which have permeated our cultures and have essentially effeminized men.

What Women Need To Know About Feminism

The main problem with feminism is that it tries to empower women by disempowering men, and it tries to define femininity by disowning what it means to be truly feminine. That’s never going to work. Equality doesn’t come from making one gender more or less powerful than the other, but by restoring the power that’s been stripped from both genders.

We see an example of this in the women’s movement pushing for equality in the workplace. Women aggressively fought for the right to work and that’s what they got at a time when men earned enough to support an entire family of four. Today,

dual incomes have nearly become necessary for most families’ survival, and studies have shown that even when women work outside the home, they take on a

disproportionate share of responsibilities inside the home. Arguably, their fight for

equality made matters worse for all. This could’ve been avoided if both sexes

agreed that women should be free to choose, but not be expected to, work outside of the home. This could’ve been avoided if both sexes agreed that working in and outside of the home adds value to families, regardless of who is doing it.

Today’s feminists can be found angrily trying to strip men of their perceived power by doing things like screaming with their shirts off and with their chests puffed out at protests, as if they were men. Does this behavior make one more powerful? Of course not, but if you get to the heart of the issue, I think you’ll find that many of

these feminists are doing this because they equate real femininity with

powerlessness. They believe that if they had been born as men, their lives would be easier therefore they take on behaviors that they think are masculine

Here’s the problem with that approach: In the same way that straight women aren’t attracted to emasculated males, straight men aren’t attracted to militant femi-nazis.

Should any of us be surprised?

What Feminists Hate To Admit

Feminists hate to admit this, but it’s the truth: Women can’t stand weak emasculated men, and any woman who can is likely very insecure or wants to have power over others. This is why women tend to be attracted to men with athletic features and a straight forward character. It’s not that we’re looking for an aggressive asshole – though that’s often what we get – it’s that we’re looking for is the closest match to our ideal of a man who is assertive, yet demonstrates tenderness in his own strength. Unfortunately, the pickings for this are slim. So, we often settle, end up with the classic jerk, and then complain about it.

Take, for example, a nice guy named Craig that I dated at about 17 or 18 years old. Craig had at that age what I would consider the full package. Problem was, Craig just couldn’t pull the trigger, and that ultimately led to our demise. After knowing him casually for about a year through mutual friends at school, we spent an entire day together hanging out, talking, and flirting. My interest in him couldn’t have been more obvious, but he couldn’t manage to communicate his interest in moving our relationship to the next level. So, I assumed that he wasn’t interested and I moved on. A few months later, we connected again and spent another full day together. This time, I was sure that he was interested in me and I was more forward so that he was sure to know that I was interested in him, as well. But, when he didn’t seize the moment - yet again - I lost interest in him. I actually lost respect for him, because, like most women, I was looking for someone with cujones, and he clearly had none! I secretly thought, “How ‘bout you give me a call when you figure it out, and maybe I’ll be available then”. I was done. I never saw or spoke to him again. For all I know, Craig still lives at home with his parents, or is in a domestic partnership with another man. Yes, that’s really how turned off women can feel about men who don't initiate and assert themselves when that is clearly wanted. And, what happened to me? Well, you probably guessed it. I went on to experience some relationships with men who knew how to pull the trigger, but not necessarily with the tenderness that I wanted.

Of course, these kinds of scenarios of men being too passive or too aggressive aren’t entirely the fault of men. I’ve learned to have some compassion for the fact that many men don’t have a good example to follow in regards to being good husbands and fathers. Likewise, many women, such as myself, don’t have a good frame of reference for finding a good husband and father for their children, nor do many of us even know how to relate in a healthy way, if such a man is even found. In other words, most of us (men and women) have daddy-issues that we need to resolve. However, these issues aren’t going to get resolved by disempowering one another or disowning ones own gender.

Ladies: if you’re not enjoying your femininity, but reacting to it with anger and negativity, then you’re rejecting who you truly are. Until you embrace the fact that you were born a woman, and that inherently makes you a giver and a nurturer of life, then you can’t reach your full potential as a woman. Until you embrace your ability to bring intuition and wisdom to others in a way that heals, you can’t reach your full potential as a woman. Sorry, but hating the color pink, or feeling that breastfeeding is ‘nasty’, or saying that being a stay-at-home mom is demeaning, isn’t going to fix it.

What Men Need To Know About Women

Men, don’t believe women who say that they don’t want the door opened for them. They really do. When they say that, what they’re really trying to tell you is that they don’t want to be seen as powerless and incapable. They don’t want to be seen as less than you.

Similarly, don’t believe women who say that they don’t need a man. The truth is that many of them want a man. They want a man to get up and check the house when they hear a noise in the middle of the night. They want a man to physically help them when they move. They want a man to mow their lawn (in more ways than one)….! I could go on. The main point here is that they don’t want to be vulnerable by telling you this, because they fear that you’ll see them as less than you.

Also, don’t believe women who say that they want a nice guy like Craig. They really don’t. When they say that, what they’re trying to tell you is that they want a strong man who is tender towards them. They want someone who makes them feel safe and secure. They don’t want to be the victim of your strength, but the benefactor of it. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, then this clip from the movie “300” gives a great example:

Obviously, women don't want to be dominated or controlled. What may be less obvious is that they want a man who uses his strength to build others up, to support them, and to protect them; who doesn’t shirk his responsibilities and identity as both father and husband; who is clear and focused in taking action; and, who is mature in his ability give generously in co-creating with others. If more men were practicing authentic mature masculinity, then more women would not be so guarded and insecure about practicing authentic mature femininity.



Am I saying that it’s men’s fault when women act in a hostile or defensive way? No, not really. What I’m saying is that men have more power to change the hardened hearts of women than they may realize. If they simply understand that women who act this way are likely doing so because they are trying in vain to compensate for not being protected by men in their lives, and out of a fear of having their vulnerabilities abused by others, then you will see a much softer side to women and much progress in the war between the sexes can be made.

Why Chose To Conquer This Relational Work?

“Does the younger generation even care?” is the real question here, when they don’t seem to want to be bothered with working on relationships. Granted, relationships take a lot of work, but the cost of not making the effort can be massive. Consider, for example, a friend of mine who is an ex-feminist. In her 20s and 30s she was having fun, living the single life, and not concerned with marriage or children. Now, she finds herself in her 40s, realizing that her biological clock has run out of time and she has no family of her own. She realizes that her elder years will likely be lived at the mercy of non-relatives. Now, she feels deeply regretful for allowing herself to be duped by the feminist movement. Will today’s young men who opt out of relationships suffer the same fate?

I once heard someone compare maintaining relationships to maintaining gardens, because both require that consistent attention be given to nurturing and protecting them, if one wants to reap a bountiful harvest. When people think that they’re going to avoid work by avoiding relationships, what they’re really doing is cheating themselves and others out of a rewarding life.

Since relationships are an invaluable teacher, some have argued that remaining emotionally isolated and immature in a state of permanent adolescence will leave one without the ability to handle criticism, work in collaboration, and mentally process pressures in a way that is required for self-sufficiency and service to others. When young adults forego this inner work, then they become parasitic to their parents by default. If their parents don’t refuse being a host to this parasitic nature, then they’re in for a very rough time in their final years of life, when they need the support of an adult child who doesn’t know how to give it, but only how to take it. When these parents are dead, their adult children will turn on others and self-destruct, not knowing how to cope with reality apart from their host. Believe me, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. So, if you have a young adult son who won’t leave the nest, do everyone a favor and push him out as ‘unloving’ as you and he might think that is.

Of course, we all can relate to the temptation of wanting to avoid relationships when they are challenging, and for a time or season this may be appropriate for inner healing. However, those of us whose parents didn’t afford them the choice of checking out of adulthood will probably agree that this has ultimately benefited them. Like most people who’ve been married and had children, I can tell you that I’m a better person for it. No, it hasn’t been easy; it’s been downright hard at times, but through the adversity I've become stronger. No, I didn’t find the ‘knight in shining armor’ or the ‘white picket fence’ that I wanted to find, but I am now wiser and more grounded in reality than ever before. No, I wasn’t fully prepared for marriage, but I learned that nothing prepares you for marriage like marriage.

These disappointments and struggles gave me priceless life lessons, which I wouldn’t have learned any other way. For this reason, I say to the younger generations, seize the moment and embrace who you are as a man or a woman. Be bold and take your risks to deepen your understanding of self and others. Be willing to make mistakes and learn from them. Be willing to be disappointed and feel pain, so that you can become more human. Be willing to commit yourself to the task of correcting and healing the things within yourself that relationships reveal, in order to expand who you are as a person. When you make this investment in yourself, you are also making it in others, and ultimately the world is a better place because of it. ~ Stephanie