Ten more reasons to be a good atheist

There are few things that can get me in a mood for writing as finding someone’s attempt to compile a list to help others and just eviscerating it with its own logical inconsistencies. While some may consider this callous or cruel, I think of it as something much more benign. Because of my mockery, some of these people may very well sit down and consider how to improve their writing and their own ways of thinking . . . OK, that is utter bullshit, it is really just for my own amusement.

So today I have for you “10 WAYS TO WITHSTAND HURTFUL TRIALS IN LIFE”. Why they are screaming the title at me I have yet to figure out. It isn’t because of an addiction to caps-lock as the rest of the article is written in a more normal, non-yelling format.

This is a list of ways to stay blissfully happy in the Christian god despite living in a world where bad things happen. Unfortunately, once I realized the writer was serious and this was not just a sick joke, I found that the list did more to make me depressed than joyful. On the site, there is a long explanation following each item, but for brevity’s sake, I shall just include the main item unless the text is too foolish not to share with you.

1. Consider trials as pure joy

Remember that time you came down with that crippling case of Giardia? Do you know why you were doubled over in pain, covered in your own excrement and wishing only for a quick death instead of enjoying your moment of bonding with one of god’s wonderful creations? It is because you had the wrong frame of mind! Just think happy thoughts and you will find all that torment becomes a joyous experience you will want to share with everyone!

2. Remember that God never abandons His children

That’s right, god would never abandon his beloved children! Which is why he has such a devoted priesthood that will do everything in their power to fill the children of the world with their ‘love’.

3. Never doubt the goodness of God

In the midst of bitter experiences, we, like Job, should not stop in our services and faithfulness to God.

The author is right, Job never questioned the slaughtering of his whole family and his own torment for years on end and look what it got him. A nice new shiny family! His family 2.0 was surly better than the old and outdated models he used to have and never once would have grieved for the loss of such standard and boring models. After all, what are children other than a completely replaceable resource? So if you ever have those you love torn away from you, don’t question god because if you are good you’ll get a brand new set! And if you don’t get them then you obviously questioned god’s plan for you and didn’t deserve it.

4. Believe that ‘God will change trials for your own good’

Believe that all things are for the better. Even the bitter experiences will be turned by God into experiences that are for your good.

At first I wasn’t sure what the author meant here, but upon reading a bit of the accompanying text, I believe I understand. Apparently god knows what he is doing and if you were to get into a car wreck, break your neck and spend the rest of your life as a quadriplegic, it will totally make you a better person and teach you a lesson about…I don’t know, the frailness of human life or some other crap to make you feel better unless you actually thought about it.

5. ‘Hardships are great boost for us to fulfill God’s will’

Yes, all your suffering, it is all to fulfill god’s will. And what might his will be? Apparently to turn your life into a bad reality series while he laughs manically above us all.

6. ‘Sufferings prepare us for God’s Kingdom’

Imagine if other places held this policy. “Welcome to Disneyland, now before you enter, we will have to beat you with this bat covered in barbed wire until you pass out from blood loss. This way, after you regain consciousness, you will be worthy to enter and truly enjoy your stay!”

7. ‘God knows what is best’

Isn’t this just a rehashing of the past four on this list? Has the author started to run out of ideas already or does he need to keep reminding himself that his miserable existence is the way his god wants it to be?

8. Do not worry about economic trouble

Countries the world over are facing economic downturns and here we see the real answer to everyone’s woes. Just ignore it and hope it goes away! Haven’t you been reading anything this person has written, god knows what he is doing and to question it is wrong. Just be happy with your debt and the constant fear of unemployment!

9. Ask God

Hasn’t the author been saying the whole time to just go with what god is already doing? Wouldn’t asking god for a bit of help or even asking him what the fuck his problem is be going against the whole idea of an omnipotent deity? In fact, is there any reason to pray at all in light of such a god other than to tell him how much you are enjoying your misery or perhaps a bit of ass-kissing in hopes it will appease the bastard enough so he might leave you alone for a bit?

10. Believe that God helps those who are in trouble

Because if you believe that god is going to help everyone, what is the point in intervening to make someone else’s life a bit better? In fact, wouldn’t doing so possibly be getting in the way of the suffering that god loves to inflict so very much (for their own good of course)? Is there any reason to do anything then? If god has it all under control why bother with that annoying empathy and all that hard humanitarian work when you could be sitting at home and enjoying yourself (that is, if god hasn’t targeted you for ‘misery duty’ this week).

It is official, if anyone, anywhere agrees to this list in any way they can never consider themselves morally superior to someone such as myself who seems to think helping others is a good thing.

Originally published on May 1, 2011