The Month of May left me in the Middle of a Time Warp and unprepared for the coming zombie apocalypse

Lately I feel like I am in the middle of a time warp. I just want to stand up, throw tomatoes at someone I keep screaming “dammit janet” and eat some churros at midnight. Time has been passing by at an extraordinary pace yet it also crawls at the most inopportune moments-say, work. I am left shaking my head and wondering whether aging really transforms the time/space continuum. I can’t recall a time this year, thus far, during which I do not feel like it has al passed me by in a blur. I feel like I was just yelling happy new year or that I was just in vacation drinking a contraband mojito.

I would like to hit the pause button now please.

In May I celebrated my birthday, mother’s day and Cinco de Mayo. I fully ignored the fact that there was a week dedicated to drinking water. Somehow I missed that May used to be known as the “month of three milkings” which is in reference to a time when cows would be milked three times a day. If I had known about the three milkings bit, it could have made the month of May that passed by in a flash be more tolerable. I could have had three cocktails a day. Or three rounds of chocolate. Wait, I think I did do those. Score.

I forgot, or rather didn’t know until it was too late, that May is also zombie awareness month. Why would zombie awareness month coincide with mental health awareness month (which is also in May)? I suppose zombies represent some deep seated concerns that we collectively have. The CDC notes that if we prepare ourselves for a zombie apocalypse then we are basically prepared for all other possible disasters that may realistically strike us such as hurricanes. Mind you this is the CDC staff out of Atlanta and not Colorado that are putting out these alerts. My own version of the apocalypse is that May 10th is national shrimp day which means I should just burrow my head down in my zombie-proof basement as I have a severe allergy to shrimp. Luckily May 25th is national wine day although sadly, I don’t think I celebrated it. For me everyday is national rum day although officially that falls on August 16th.

Anyway, back to my time warp. I truly am feeling a bit out of sorts. Everything is moving too quickly. Soon my son will be wearing his cap and gown for kindergarten graduation representing the first steps in him becoming independent. Soon he will be taller than me. Where is that pause button? I fear that with all this time fluttering I will develop Chronophobia-which is a fear of time. Oddly, or actually rather telling, many of those that truly have a fear of time, are in prisons. Further, a certain percentage of the elderly population as well. Chronophobia, however, can arise manifest in any person who has an extreme amount of anxiety or stress in their life. Have you seen the work productivity numbers lately? Don’t the majority of individuals have some amount of stress or anxiety. Just last year a survey report noted that 8 in 10 Americans feel stressed out by their jobs. That is a lot of ensuing chronophonia. Add on top of that we now have to use the whole month of May to raise our awareness of Zombies no wonder we are ourselves becoming walking zombies. Perhaps it is time to put the clocks away.