My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said



"It didn't work out."



She told me to be more specific so I said



"I just told you, she didn't exercise." Share:

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public." Share:

I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes. Share:

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta. Share:

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?"



"Your daughter"



courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago Share:

My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl. Share:

Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.



Mom: But he could be your father!



Daughter: Age is not that important to me.



Mom: That's not what I was talking about... Share:

I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me. Share:

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me." Share:

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.



I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.



And now we wait. Share:

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done" Share:

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad Share:

They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972. Share:

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks. Share:

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."

The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." Share:

I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice" Share:

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?" Share:

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts. Share:

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down. Share:

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus... It’s the little things that count... Share:

A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?



Mom: Frida



Officer: Last name?



Mom: Gomam



Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?



And my mom hit the accelerator. Share:

A boy is studying for his geography quiz His mom asks him:



"What is the capital of Germany?"



"Berlin", says the boy.



"What is the capital of France?"



"Berlin."



"What is the capital of Russia?"



"Berlin."



"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz." Share:

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays. Share:

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj Share:

Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?" Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"



Kid: "But mom I'm blind"



Mom: "Exactly" Share:

Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?

The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. Share:

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me. Share:

I told two twins their matching outfits are cute... "Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.



To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please." Share:

My mom embarassed me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer" I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away" Share:

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer. A great mom turns off the mixer first. Share:

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit. Share:

My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made. Share:

I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi Share:

I can't make Casey Anthony jokes. My mom would kill me... Share:

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom Now my father hates her. Share:

A kid gets home very distressed... And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:

And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"



"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!" Share:

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat. Share:

When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children. It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it ) Share: