Wanted: A Transit Man or Woman to run the Toronto Transit Commission in the image of Rob Ford, arguably Toronto’s most transit-hating mayor of all time.

Somebody will believe the propaganda being spun by Ford’s allies, poised to fire current TTC boss Gary Webster on Tuesday. One of them suggests they seek a “transformational figure.” Such mendacity. But there must be scores of transit leaders willing to suspend belief and opt for the job. It’s a prestigious posting. It pays well.

Don’t be deceived. Ford has no interest in hiring a transit guru, or a nuts and bolts transit man like David Gunn, or a visionary with creative and innovative designs to improve transit. From Ford’s election platform, his pronouncements and his stated philosophy, we know what he wants from a figurehead at the country’s premier transit system.

The new TTC boss must:

• Strategize the building of subways along Sheppard, Finch and anywhere else buses can no longer carry the load. Facts, data, ridership be damned.

• Oppose any transit option that takes up space on our streets, and by so doing, impinges on automobiles.

• Scheme to bury all transit underground, even streetcars or light rail designed with special features for above-ground operation.

• Expunge any documents or reports or data at TTC headquarters that contain information that could be used to question the wisdom of subways.

• Ignore the advice and data contained in the mayor’s own subway report, filed by Gordon Chong. Instead, tell the world that the private sector is knocking down the doors of the mayor’s office with proposals to build the Sheppard subway — a falsehood.

• Never, ever, tell the mayor his Sheppard subway is at least $1 billion short of funds — even after the province, Ottawa and the private sector chip in billions.

• Avoid any inference that, to get the Sheppard subway, Ford will have to impose some kind of road tolls, vehicle fees, parking levies and other charges. Don’t tell him or his supporters that subways don’t come free; that you can’t cut enough staff at the TTC to pay for subway construction. Such talk will get you fired.

• Vigorously promote the privatization of public transit.

• Encourage the province to take over the TTC entirely, ridding the city of the cost.

• View transit workers as lazy, overpaid fat cats.

• Defer all wisdom, engineering knowledge and operational know-how to Metrolink, that fledgling provincial agency that is less that a decade old.

• Dodge questions from city councillors — especially if the answers would contradict the mayor’s position. Presenting facts that are at odds with the mayor’s talking points will be considered a clear disrespect of the mayor’s office and his mandate.

• Ignore the fact that municipal bureaucrats are independent, do not come and go with a new administration, exist to provide independent advice and information for the politicians to use or ignore as they choose, and are not political appointees. Rather, demonstrate to the rest of the civic workforce the essence of being a “yes-man” and a bureaucratic lackey.

Do all the above and your days will be long and profitable under the present regime.

Oh, you will hear all kinds of talk about how the change in leadership at the TTC is designed to improve transit in Toronto. Just smile a knowing smile. Until city council restrains the mayor, your survival depends on docile, submissive kowtowing.

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So put your head down, watch for the appropriate signal from the mayor and his acolytes. And respond with, “Aye aye, sir!”

And heaven help us.

Royson James usually appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Email: rjames@thestar.ca