Jim Bob and Michelle have 19 kids and no relevant source of income outside of their evil-box TV money other than ‘undefined real estate earnings’. God told them to manufacture babies until they were spent shells, and now onto the next generation of who knows how many hundreds of grandchildren. Daughter Jessa is currently being courted by Ben, a boy from their church. They keep a close eye on Jessa and her 18-year old suitor, reading all their texts and emails to make sure they include the word ‘Jesus’ and exclude the words ‘I want to stick my dick in you so badly you hot piece of Christian meat’. The entire family snoops to ensure there’s zero physical contact between the two until marriage, save for one approved move.

“Dad allowed them to do a side hug when they were officially courting. They agreed that would be the only contact they should have.” — Michelle Duggar, the mom who calls her husband ‘Dad’

The levels of intimacy will dramatically change after the wedding as the family encircles their naked daughter urging Ben to fuck babies into her until her tubes are stretched like Chinese noodles. But, for now, just the side hugs.