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GREETED with the news that across the world, communities are celebrating Gay Pride, one intrepid idiot has launched a campaign to know why he can’t have a ‘straight pride’.

John Kinty (32), known widely as a dose by anyone who has had dealings with him, has demanded to know when he can heterosexually be heterosexual in a colourfully camp parade or does such a proposition risk blowing the minds of fragile snowflakes?

“Can’t move for all the rainbows I’m seeing, but if I had a straight pride I’d be lynched,” explained Kinty, who was dead right, as a team of trained assassins waited close by ready to string him up the second he decided to express his straightness.

Kinty denied he was in anyway jealous of large groups of people, made up of friends, families and peers coming together to celebrate, and strive for something in unison, making sure to emphasis he is in no way sad, bitter and lonely.

“Oh I’d love to see the look on their faces if there was a straight pride, can’t you just laugh thinking about it,” added Kinty, who was unaware he has been participating in straight pride since his birth, day in, day out, and would continue to do so until death.

Asked directly if this was the sum of all his ambition, consigning himself to a life of bile and rancour which only impoverished his own capacity for joy and life, Kinty confirmed he would be back mouthing the same old shite, same time next year.