Like my friend Howie Carr says, “I ask for no special treatment — I just want to be treated like an illegal immigrant.”

Well guess what, Howie­? The Massachusetts ACLU is saying the same thing! Except they’re not joking.

A new report co-published by the ACLU of Massachusetts and the Century Foundation, a self-described “progressive think tank,” calls for Boston cops to simply stop arresting criminals for crimes like petty theft, drug crimes and driving without a license, etc. Why? “So local governments can keep their vulnerable residents out of the Trump deportation machine,” to quote the ACLU’s report.

Sanctuary-city progressives are horrified that, despite their best efforts to protect illegal immigrants from the consequences of their own actions, the evil Trump administration insists on (you may want sit down before you read this) enforcing the law.

And it turns out that, even in sanctuary states like Massachusetts, when illegal immigrants get busted for breaking other laws (besides being in the U.S. illegally), the criminal justice system flags them and alerts ICE of their presence.

“When local police arrest someone and send their prints to the FBI, the FBI shares those fingerprints with ICE.” To sane people, this seems like common sense. To the ACLU, it’s a hate crime. The solution?

“The best way to stop that from happening is, simply, for local police to stop arresting people for minor crimes,” the report suggests.

In other words: Shopkeepers, endangered drivers and people being harassed by drunks on their front steps — sucks to be you. The ACLU wants cops to let the shoplifters and druggies and drunk drivers walk, in order to protect illegal immigrants from deportation.

And that’s just part of the story.

According to reporting from liberal NPR, judges and prosecutors in liberal communities are invoking what might be known as the “Howie Carr Clause”: Giving illegal immigrants special leniency to help them avoid deportation.

“In several U.S. cities now, prosecutors are using their discretion to protect defendants who are immigrants. They want to ensure that immigrants, whether here illegally or seeking citizenship, don’t get deported for minor crimes,” NPR reports.

A Brooklyn DA, for example, has instructed his entire staff — about 500 prosecutors — to pursue better deals for immigrants, legal or illegal, when negotiating pleas, in order to keep them from being deported. Baltimore is doing the same and, according to NPR, California has a law mandating prosecutors to “consider the immigration status of defendants in plea negotiations regardless of whether it’s a misdemeanor or felony.”

That’s right: Felony. As in assault, rape or murder.

Now, notice what defendants aren’t getting this generous treatment: The boring, old, American citizens. If you’re James from Dorchester and get busted for DUI, you’re just plain ol’ busted. But if it’s Seamus from Southie or Santiago from Lawrence, you get pled down to reckless driving, or a speeding ticket or, hell, we’ll give you a pass.

Jessica Vaughan of the Center for Immigration Studies points out “this effective creates a two-tiered justice system — with citizens stuck in second class.”

“You’re effectively discriminating against citizens,” Vaughan said. “It’s courtroom affirmative action for illegal immigrants.”

Like Howie says — We citizens don’t want special treatment …