LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

Following the news that his friend and witch hunt victim George Pell has had his most recent allegations of child rape quashed by the High Court, conservative commentator Andrew Bolt has had an involuntary but ultimately enjoyable trip down memory lane.



At approximately 10:30 am, a Sky News staffer gave Bolt the news that Pell would soon be released from prison, causing Bolt’s face to stiffen and twitch as he moaned deeply and uncontrollably for the first time since 1997.



After adjusting his posture and dismissing the now traumatised staffer, Bolt lit a cigarette and contemplated how his Dutch Sausage had just let loose for the first time since his chance meeting with Rubbin’ Ruby.



“Not a lot of people know this but when you write your 50th article in defence of the stolen generation someone sends you a free massage chair” stated a nostalgic Bolt as he held a copy of the spectator over his soiled pants.



“This one night I was trying it out and realised it had a vibrate setting… It was completely by accident but oh what a happy, wet accident it was…”



Although unfamiliar when it comes to the effects of the male orgasm, Bolt did enjoy the sensation of normal human feelings as a distraction to defending paedophiles and war criminals to a national audience.



Some pundits believe this involuntary orgasm will be Bolt’s last until the White Australia policy is re-instated. However, those close to him speculate that he may have another if Pell’s victims are forced to pay damages or if he ever discovers how a washing machine works.



MORE TO COME.