by Allen Kellogg

Charlottesville, Virginia



University of Virginia Athletic Director, Craig Littlepage, announced Virginia would be dropping Virginia Tech from its annual schedule. ACC presidents convened in Charlotte, North Carolina over the weekend and are expected to approve the proposal as early as Thursday. The divisions are to be realigned, with Wake Forrest and Virginia Tech switching places. Now UVA and Virginia Tech will only play each other on the sixth week’s Friday every six years.

“This was not an easy decision to make,” Littlepage said. “The series was so one sided we decided to abandon it for Virginia Tech’s sake.” Despite the series being 56-37-5 in favor of Virginia Tech and VT being on a 12 game win streak in the series, Littlepage insisted these numbers are just facts perpetuated by fake news.

“Virginia Tech is falsely claiming wins that are not theirs,” Littlepage said. “VPI (Virginia Polytechnic Institute) is not Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech doesn’t even have the letter ‘P’ in their name. The ACC also has no record of Virginia Tech playing UVA after 2003. This means the all time series between our schools is actually 37-18-1 in favor of Virginia. Since UVA has won twice as many games as Virginia Tech in this series, we are canceling it and looking for a new in-state rival which we be more competitive with our institution.”

When asked how 13 years of football history could just disappear, an ACC official from Duke said that every reporter in the country had received bad information from a fake news site and that those games had never been played. An official from UNC contradicted this claim saying that all those records had been lost in a fire and thus never counted.

The University of Virginia is now accepting applications to find a new in-state rival. Richmond, James Madison, and William and Mary are the front runners, but several other schools including, Virginia Military Institute (VMI), Old Dominion (ODU), Virginia Commonwealth (VCU), George Mason (GMU), Liberty, Randolph Mason, and Thomas Nelson Community College have submitted bids as well. Candidate schools are expected to have academic standard similar to UVA and allow all of the future games to be scheduled in Charlottesville. Richmond athletic director Keith Gill said he was happy to be considered as a potential rival to UVA and that he hoped beating the Cavaliers 37-20 last season would not hurt his school’s chances.

“What we are looking for is a school that we can be proud to associated with. A school that shares our love of wine and cheese parties and comes dressed to football games like they are going to church,” UVA president Teresa Sullivan said. “Thomas Jefferson founded our university in 1819. He would be ashamed to know that we have been playing a tractor school like Virginia Tech all these years. Our goal is to find a school that would make Jefferson proud.”

Reaction in Blacksburg was mixed. Most students appeared upset about losing the only thing they could brag about to their friends in Charlottesville. Others reacted more positively saying they were excited to be moved into a division that actually cared about football.

“Florida State, Clemson, and Louisville. You know, real football schools,” Virginia Tech senior Chip Skoal said. “I am excited to travel to schools and go to tailgates where the fans drink bourbon instead of Zima. Places where you won’t get talked down to because your pastel shorts are dirty and you aren’t wearing Sperrys.”