Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont is the only candidate for president willing to name the real crisis confronting America.

Too many underarm spray deodorants.

Move over Obama, terrorism, illegal aliens, Obamacare and the sputtering economy.

Old Spice is the real vice. En garde, Right Guard! Bernie Sanders has got your number. He wants to ice Ice Blue Secret, ax AXE and ban Ban.

This is what he said the day before his official kickoff Wednesday in Burlington, Vt.: “You don’t necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or of 18 pairs of sneakers when children are hungry in this country. I don’t think the media appreciate the kind of stress that ordinary Americans are working on.”

In other words, Bernie supports your right to choose, unless you want to choose your own deodorant or running shoe. He supports diversity, except in the antiperspirant aisle. When the Sanderistas win, it will be Mayday for Almay. On foreign policy, he’s a dove with no use for Dove.

How often have you thought to yourself, as you shop your local supermarket or pharmacy, if only I had just one or two brands to choose from — like in Venezuela or Cuba. That would truly be a worker’s utopia.

Stress — that was the word Bernie used to describe the specter of too many choices.

It is, to use Bernie’s favorite word, an outrage.

It would take someone like Comrade Sanders to ferret out this conspiracy. After all, when he got married, he and his bride honeymooned in the old Soviet Union, a stress-free society if ever there was one, right?

Actually, the deodorant problem is even worse than Bernie thinks. He just mentioned those ozone-layer-destroying sprays. What about roll-ons, and here’s another outrage — despite miniscule market shares, a few cream deodorants are hanging on, stressing out card-carrying members of the Spartacist Youth League, taking up shelf space that otherwise could be devoted to CDs of Pete Seeger’s Greatest Hits.

It’s probably a conspiracy by the Koch Brothers.

Technically, Bernie claims to be an independent, or a socialist, but he’s running as a Democrat, and he serves an important purpose. With apologies to Lenin, you might even describe him as a useful idiot for Hillary Clinton.

Compared to Bernie, Hillary appears youthful, and moderate. Thus the need to prop Bernie up for as long as possible. The deodorant comment came in front of a CNBC camera, and was left on the cutting room floor, only reported in the interview transcript. What else would you expect from a rumpswab like John Harwood, a shameless member of the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.

As much as Bernie no doubt reveres his memory, even Uncle Joe Stalin was not perfect — think his Non-Aggression Pact with Hitler back in August 1939.

And so at his announcement the day after the Deodorant Manifesto, Bernie had his own to-make-an-omelet-you-have-to-break-some-eggs moment. As 5000 “working people,” very few of whom actually work, gathered on the banks of Lake Champlain to hear Sander Claus fulminate against the assorted outrages of the petit bourgeoisie, they were served free ice cream by none other than Ben & Jerry.

Ben & Jerry! Who has been more responsible for stress in the frozen-foods aisle than Ben & Jerry? Forget their sellout to the capitalist-roader running dogs of Unilever, what about their proliferation of flavors?

Just in a single category, Ben & Jerry offer regular chocolate, chocolate fudge brownie, chocolate peppermint crunch, New York super fudge chunk and now Boom Chocolatta. I don’t even have room to mention the stress produced by their multiple variations of vanilla, coffee and caramel.

As a matter of fact, last week, just as the senator from Ben & Jerry’s was denouncing the problem of Too Much Choice in America, his fellow New Yorkers were introducing yet another source of stress — Save Our Swirled.

On the cartons, their 3XL customers are encouraged to fight, what else, global warming, or is it global cooling this week?

Comrade Sanders, how many Ben & Jerry flavors do Americans need when there are children in this country who can’t even get jimmies on their sundaes?

It’s an outrage!

Listen to Howie 3-7 each weekday on WRKO AM 680.