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The funniest voicemail ever played, boob reveal GIFs that take too long, Winner’s Drink and the apostrophe that came back from the dead, Patreon, credit cards, and the war on free will, an erotic Xmas poem from a real man, the Army and Israel, when to use steroids, Dr. Matt gives Facebook users medical advice, someone takes me up on my dick pic weight loss challenge, a $400 bidet, and my altercation at the bank; all that and more on The Dick Show!

Twas three months before Dicksmas, my balls were so blue:

I had then a girlfriend, but we hadn’t screwed.

We hadn’t had sex, but had waited a lot,

Her ass was so scrumptious, her D-tits so hot.

Dick tip: by the third date, get to that first hump,

At eight fucking months, you know I was a chump.

She slept over often, our routine sad when said:

We’d watch shitty reruns and then go to bed.

When out from my nightstand there rose such a ding,

I went to my phone to see what made it ring.

With so long a dry spell, my hopes were quite low

I opened the lock screen, below me aglow.

The home screen familiar, with difference stark:

For by Facebook Messenger, a little red mark.

Opening Messenger, the name was unknown,

But then saw my house cleaner, there on my phone.

From pretense of logistics, a flirt she did strike–

before I could ask her what her dad was like.

From so coy and innocent, she ventured past tame.

But did she want to fuck? Well, then her nudes came;

Personal TITTIES! And ASS with a SMILE!

Then HAIR and smooth LEGS that went up for a MILE!

Next sensual videos, and not just her pics.

I responded in kind–not that you give a shit.

The episode clarified truths oh so dear:

She’ll fuck you or not–do not complicate here.

It was time for a change. There was nothing to lose.

I broke up with my “girlfriend.” What choice could I choose?

And as we agreed, within a few days more,

Not scheduled for cleaning, she arrived at my door.

She strode in with a gait which left nothing to luck.

The small talk was small: we were both there to fuck.

She wore lacy fabric, from her tits to her ass,

And her shoes added some height, and style, and class.

She came with some condoms, in case I was out.

And given the circumstances, I didn’t pout.

Her cans — how they jiggled! her hair red as wine grapes!

Her ass cheeks like bongos, her carpet matched her drapes!

Her pouty, thick lips she licked once and again,

And even when barefoot, she stood at 5’10”

She was slender and slim, and so eager to please,

And wouldn’t you know? A former fatty, like me.

The hardest part was her too-long-of-a-hair,

So worth it, but it really got everywhere.

A flip of her hair and a scrunch of her nose

Gave me the go-ahead, and aroused I rose!

Her luscious proportions too thin to sell Dove,

I flung her ’round bed, from below and above!

We had us some sex in positions diverse,

Unleashing a year’s worth of my thoughts perverse!

She came and she came, and at last I came, too.

And went on next morning with what we had to do.

She spoke from the side of her mouth, and suggested

That we get a second chick, when we’re both rested.

And so ends a tale from but one Dickhead elf,

Saying, SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY! DICK, GO FUCK YOURSELF!



“No Wedding Day” by BebiJeezes.



“Ho Ho, Honey” by Hazencruz.



Thumbnail that wrecked em, damn near killed em! By Miss Phase.



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