Types of Church

1. The more solemn you are, the more God loves you

2. We have food here and we meet in the back room of an art gallery

3. Women should only be seen in conservative denim because God is an Old Navy shareholder

4. We’re white but we love black people even though there are none here

5. Everyone is black and knows what voice part they’re supposed to be

6. Not a cult but highly encouraging of members giving time and money in an unhealthy way (like two social norms away from being a cult)

7. Cult

8. This is basically a Bed Bath & Beyond with Latin

9. We smile a lot and make baskets

10. I’m a white man who knows more about death than you because I wear all black and can’t be open about masturbation

11. There’s no rules here! God is whatever you feel it is! Do you want a cookie? We’re all Aunts!

12. We’re rich and this is more of a social thing because we were all raised this way and the veneer of faith is more important than meaningful daily action

13. We’re middle class and public rigidity is where we thrive

14. This mass is in Spanish and everyone is happy

15. We have bible study three nights a week and getting married at 19 is an option

16. Mostly here for the architecture

17. We’re cool and young! Are you in middle school and lonely and confused? You should believe in God! We have doughnuts!

18. I spend my Spring Break saving people I’m better than! That’s why Jesus loves ME

19. You can’t show your shoulders in here because God might get a boner

20. Being gay isn’t a sin

21. Jewish church

22. Funeral