Photo by Jonathan Petersson Unsplash

My state is in a crisis. If any Oregonians had dreams of a better, easier 2018, those dreams were shattered the moment they heard of the new law which allows untrained members of the great unwashed to pump their own gas in rural counties.


As someone who hates waiting for the one, very busy attendant to come perform a task I’ve been doing since I was 16, I am excited. As someone who apparently lives in a state full of people incapable of not spilling gasoline on themselves, I am terrified.


The social media fallout has been fun, but once the laughter fades and the memes have been circulated, the people or Oregon still need to learn to pump gas. Luckily, it’s not that hard. If I, someone who is very bad at cars, can do it, so can you.

Step 1: Pull into the filling station exactly as before

Drive your car right up to the pump like you always have, and remain calm while doing so. Remember that this law does not banish Oregon’s expert petrol professionals to New Jersey, but simply gives one the freedom to fuel their own car in a rural area, and you like freedom, don’t you? In fact, it seems that the stations affected by the new law are quite aware that their clientele is less than skilled in the art of the pump, and will have people around to assist.

Once you are at the pump, turn off your car. (Fun fact: I have forgotten to turn off my engine before filling up exactly once, and it was because I was thrown off by the fact that I wasn’t allowed to get out of my car to pump my own gas. The attend didn’t notice.) Extinguish that legal Oregon marijuana cigarette (or any other cigarette), and leave your cellular device in the car, because of static or something. If the little door leading to your gas tank is opened by a lever or button inside your vehicle, open it now.

Step 2: Pay to Pump

Rather than handing your card to a human and saying something cool like “fill ‘er up,” or “twenty bucks of reg, my man,” you will have to either go inside and pre-pay, or pay with a credit or debit card at the pump. It is unlikely a gas station in rural Oregon will have one of those tiny annoying TVs but, if it does, you can shut it off.


Next, uncap the gas tank and select your fuel. Unless you have a car that runs on diesel—and you would know if you did—stay away from the green gas gun, though it shouldn’t fit in your tank anyway. (Another fun fact: A professional Oregon gas station attendant put regular gas in my dad’s diesel-fueled Mercedes. It was a sad day.) Remove the nozzle from the pump and insert it into the gas hole, where it should stay quite securely on its own. (If a dangerous transient approaches you while you are trying to complete this step, as some Oregonians apparently fear there might be, squeeze the lever and give ‘em a douse.) If you’re at an older pump, there may be a lever the gun was sitting on that you have to flip up, so look out for that.

Your owner’s manual should tell you what “octane” of gas you need, but your Toyota Corolla will be just fine with regular. Press the button of the gas your metal chariot requires, press a “start” button on the keypad if needed, and pull (gently squeeze) the trigger of the gas gun. A lot of gas guns have a little lock that lets you remove your hand while the gasoline flows, so take advantage of that if it’s there. Don’t worry about overfilling; modern gas pumps have mechanisms that shut everything down once your tank is filled, or your pre-paid amount has been dispensed.


Step 3: You did it! But you’re not done

Once the gas is all up in your tank and the pump has shut off, gently release the gun from its locked position and remove it from the tank, pointing it away from your body so as not to get any gasoline droplets on your North Face finery and Nike footwear. Place the gun back in its holster, recap your tank, and close the tiny gas door. If you filled your tank before hitting the dollar amount you prepaid, go back inside and get your change, and maybe a Snickers bar or ice cream sandwich. Decide if you want your receipt or not, get back in your car, and drive away with a well-earned sense of accomplishment.