My 9-year-old daughter is fat. This is not entirely unexpected. My family runs thin; her mother’s does not (though my wife is not overweight). I believe that our daughter is old enough to hear the truth and the consequences of her behavior, like laying on the sofa instead of playing outdoors or eating candy instead of healthy foods. My wife disagrees strongly. She worries about the effect on our daughter’s self-esteem. This issue is becoming heated between us. How would you handle it?

ANONYMOUS

I have picked up your question several times this week, hoping, each time, to find a kernel of compassion for you. Nope! (The closest I came was wishing that your employer might send you on a long business trip, keeping you away from home until your daughter turns 30.) Your wife is right: Telling your little girl that she is fat, or commenting frequently on her weight or the weight of others, will harm her self-esteem and increase the odds of her developing an eating disorder and other problems.

But worse, I can’t find the love in your question. As a dad, your job is to build your daughter up. Let her know that she is awesome just the way she is. (There are enough creeps out there who will try to make her feel bad, no matter how thin she is.) But you seem more wrapped up in blame and how your child’s weight reflects on you than her experience in the world. Please get smart on this issue before you do any harm to her. Start with a good pediatrician or child psychologist.

Make healthy food shopping and eating a family affair, not a punishment that singles out your overweight daughter. She will model your behavior. Same with exercise: a fun game of tag, for everyone, encourages physical activity without shaming her. You aren’t responsible for our weight-obsessed culture. But you do bear responsibility for how your child moves through the world. Get to work!