INT: WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

The President is hunched over his desk. His tie is undone, there’s stubble on his face, and he looks exhausted. Papers are scattered in front of him as he drafts a speech. Suddenly, an aide bursts into the room and shouts: “Mr President, Mr President, sir!” The President looks worried, and says: “What is it? Spit it out, young man.” The aide, sweat pouring off him, looks confused. He stutters: “Mr – Mr President, it’s babe dot net. They’ve… ranked your dick size. Your dick size, and all the other presidents, all the way back to George Washington.” The President is lost for words. He pauses, gulps, and then asks: “How did I do?”

44. Harry S Truman

Extremely small dick move to nuke Japan, infinitesimally small dick move to do it again. The S in his name doesn’t even stand for anything! Of 200 years of dick history, Truman’s is the smallest – this is the ultimate stain on his career. Truman stans will no doubt be left shaking by this award. Time to find a new fave — Roosevelt outsold anyway.

43. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Eisenhower’s reputation took a huge blow after the 1960 U-2 incident, in which he claimed his dick was so big it was visible from space so the Air Force made a special plane that would be able to view it. It emerged that the U-2 jet, even though it had a space camera attached, was unable to see Eisenhower’s tiny dick, and was shot down over the USSR anyway. Eisenhower died nine years later, having never recovered from this devastating experience.

42. Donald J. Trump

Small dick, smaller brain amirite girlies?!

41. Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow’s dad’s name was Joseph Ruggles Wilson, which is a small dick name for a man who would have a small dick son. Woodrow went on to be president of the smallest dick school in the Ivy League (Princeton, the Grand Academy of Big Virgins), even though he only learned to read at aged 10 because he spent too much time examining his dick with a comical Victorian magnifying glass instead of studying the alphabet. When he was president, he was famously too scared to join the League of Nations, as he knew all European heads of state had bigger dicks than his and would tease him by pinning him down at post-war conferences and teabagging him.

40. Jimmy Carter

When he was president, no one ever asked Jimmy Carter why he spent the majority of his adult life farming peanuts in Georgia. They didn’t find out 'til years later that he was so obsessed with his own peanut dick that he spent years trying to breed a super peanut that could be used in his dick-elongation research. Sadly, Jimmy’s days in the peanut fields were largely filled with disappointment, tears and shouting at the Lord for cursing him with a dick that looked like his precious crops. Once, out of pure frustration he tried to stick his tiny peanut dick in a Georgia peach, but was chased out of town by an angry farmer’s wife.

39. James Garfield

Though he loved lasagna and hated Mondays (both signs of a powerful peen), Wikipedia tells us cat dicks can only reach a maximum length of two inches erect.

38. Franklin D. Roosevelt

When FDR said there was “nothing to fear but fear itself,” he was secretly addressing his wife about the size of his small-ass dick, which she had grown scared of. By the way, that whole polio thing was a lie – Roosevelt went about in a wheelchair and asked for photographers to take his picture behind a desk because he never wanted anyone to see he had a tiny dick. He was so embarrassed by the Yalta conference and appearing next to Stalin (huge dick) and Churchill (chode) that he died rather than attend the Potsdam conference.

37. William Howard Taft

Historians actually have no idea what William Howard Taft’s dick was like. There appears to be no historical evidence of anyone who has ever seen his dick, let alone interacted with it. Professors attempted to talk to his wife and former lovers to get their testimony, but calls were left unreturned. Even the aides who rescued the president when he became trapped in his bathtub cannot recall ever seeing his dick. Scholars have estimated his weight to be around 355 lbs by the end of his presidency, however none of that insane amount of weight went to his teeny tiny peenie.

36. Herbert Hoover

This man literally stopped a river and built a giant wall of concrete in Nevada to show the world that he had a big dick. The world took one look at the newly opened dam and decided that only a small dick president could have caused the Great Depression. He lost the next election in a landslide to FDR and he was forever remembered as a man who tried and failed to overcompensate for his teeny tiny dick. In addition, Herbert is a Hall of Fame tiny dick name, just saying.

35. Andrew Johnson

It would always have been hard to follow Abraham Lincoln’s big dick term as president, but poor Johnson did his best. His term didn’t start well when during his inauguration speech, his pantaloons fell down and his small dick was exposed. It was small and shriveled in the bitter air of March 1863, and all the TV cameras saw it and laughed. He secluded himself from the public to avoid ridicule, and blushed for months in embarrassment. It happened again in 1875 when he was elected to the Senate, and he died after.

34. Thomas Jefferson

On a visit to London, Jefferson was painted by a portrait artist named Mather Brown. Brown did a stunning job of capturing Jefferson’s small dick without even drawing it. The artist famously asked him to pose bottomless – Jefferson declined and covered his tiny dick with some papers and looked miserable. Check out that thot statue in the right of the painting, pushing its thicc ass out in a form of Hellenic thirst trap. Jefferson is doing his best to ignore her, because he knows that if she saw his small dick, she would point and laugh at him.

33. James Buchanan

Our first gay president could have been amazing. We could have hosted the best state dinners planned by that fancy fellow who does all of Lisa Vanderpump's rhinestone-encrusted soirees. We could have had a great relationship with Russia and Kim Kardashian's "Jam! (Turn It Up)" as our National Anthem, but instead we got a closest, never-married lump nicknamed "doughface" by his political rivals. If we only have straight presidents for the next 300 years, you can blame this guy.

32. John Adams

By historical standards, it would seem that John Adams had a big dick. He was a smart-ass lawyer, first President to live in the White House, spawned another President, and helped write the Constitution. However, the violently small-dicked Paul Giamatti portrayed him in an HBO miniseries that my oppressive, small-dicked high school English teacher made me watch in class. Therefore, we are forced to conclude that Adams had a micropenis as well, and never managed to penetrate his beloved wife Abigail.

31. Benjamin Harrison

Poor Benjamin. His grandfather was president before him, and his great-grandfather was a Founding Father. Benjamin had such a big dick reputation to live up to, and he bottled it. He became the first president to be recorded on audio but the album FLOPPED when people heard his reedy, small dick voice. Not even hardcore Benjamin stans stood by him as streaming numbers didn’t break a million. Today, Benjamin’s audio, which you can listen to in this video, is a testament to what might have been.

30. James K. Polk

In contrast with many of his successors, James K. Polk was not a big guy. The closest thing the presidency has ever had to a Twink, this precious little fox was clearly not well endowed. During his first State of the Union, members of the House of Representatives could be heard chanting “Polk’s got a mangina!” over and over again until the sergeant at arms had them forcibly removed. James K. Polk’s presidency never recovered from the shame.

29. John Tyler

#IMAGINE: You and President John Tyler are at the hospital because you are getting a dick transplant. “I’m so nervous," you say. “Don’t be. You’re gonna pull through this, I know that for a fact.” You kiss him and go into operation. You come out successful and run out to tell President John Tyler but he’s not there. You find a little teddy bear with a card shaped like a heart. “Hey babe. Sorry I couldn’t be there for you after your operation. But, I will always be in your dick. Forever. -President John Tyler.” You ask one of the nurses “Where’s the boy I was with before my operation?” The nurse replies, “Didn’t they tell you who the donor was?”

28. Martin Van Buren

Everyone knows that Van Buren’s nickname was "The Little Magician." Your high school history teacher might tell you that’s because he was a short king of 5 feet and 6 inches, but dick historians know it was considered a magic trick in the early 19th Century to be able to suck your own dick, which Van Buren could do. But it wasn’t magic — Van Buren’s kinky Dutch father paid for his son to have rib-removal surgery so his son could one day learn how to suck his pretty regular size dick.

27. Franklin Pierce

A lifelong alcoholic and pro-slave president, Pierce’s dick was shriveled by cirrhosis and enforcing the Fugitive Slave Act. His dick was also damaged by an incident in the Mexican-American War, when his horse was startled and Pierce was knocked into his saddle, dick-first. The horse fell (look this up, it’s all real) and landed on his dick and balls, squashing them so he walked funny for the rest of his life

26. William Henry Harrison

It’s easy to write off WHH, a man who held the presidency for just one month, as a small-dicked loser. He died (like a lil bitch) of pneumonia and couldn’t even come close to doing anything as a president. However, if we delve into the historical records just a little bit, we find that the only reason he got pneumonia was because he insisted on his inauguration being held outside, in the pouring rain, in the middle of January. When aides told him to cover up to avoid getting sick, he reportedly whipped out his very average sized dick and told them to get sick on his nuts. Small dick: dying of pneumonia. Big dick: getting inaugurated with your cock out. Verdict: Medium at best.

25. William McKinley

Average sized dick. Would have been bigger if his dick was actually his head, which looks exactly like an upside-down dick. The dickhole at the bottom where his cleft chin is, and some wispy pubes at the top of his head where his combover is. All encased in a stiff turn-of-the-century collar like a protestant nutsack. Unremarkable.

24. Zachary Taylor

Some men aren't born with big dicks — they earn them. And President Zachary Taylor earned his big dick badge every day in grammar school when he was mercilessly tortured for his fancy little lisp. While some bullied children grow up to skin cats and boil human bones in their bathtubs, Taylor channeled his rage into his political career and furious, violent masturbation sessions which helped stretch his dick to the satisfying length for which he's now known.

23. Millard Fillmore

"Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone. You have made an ass out me of for the last time. Three letters: ABA. A, Always, B, Be, A, Answering. Always be answering. Always be answering. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's pick up the phone or get your ass straightened out. You answer or you get hit with a brick. Decision. Have you made your decision to pick up the phone? And action. AIDA. Pick up the goddamn phone. You got a call coming in, you think I made it because I've got nothing better to do? I could be shouting shit at random people on the street, but I'm calling you. I don't care that you're twelve or eleven or whatever, are you pig enough to pick it up? I'm a good father, and you're a pig. I don't give a shit. Good father. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain in the ass? AIDA. Get mad you daughter-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to answer my call? It takes brass balls to answer my call. Go and do likewise. The phone is ringing, you pick it up, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. You better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. Pig. Oh, also, tell your mother I said 'Go fuck yourself.' This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance."

22. Calvin Coolidge

Calvin Coolidge was ahead of his time. If he came of age in our day, he'd have 27.3K Twitter followers, a skinny art hoe girlfriend who smokes even skinner cigarettes, and be a carrier of HPV. Instead, his notoriously dry sense of humor and general ineptitude (both net positives in 2018) left him a failure and a virgin despite having two sons. They died virgins too because it's genetic, look it up. Still, how hard he would have fucked in this millennium means we've got to rank him high.

21. John F. Kennedy

Now readers, if you’ve journeyed with us this far down this ultimately arbitrary list, you may be wondering why one of our nation’s most handsome charming presidents appear so low. But here’s the thing, there is very little evidence to suggest that JFK carries BDE. Do I think he was charming, debonair, a gentleman? Yeah sure. Do I believe that he seduced Marilyn Monroe on the basic of his charm and good looks? Absolutely. But I do not think he had a big dick. Firstly, the Bay of Pigs invasion, possibly one of the least successful US military excursions and the height of small dick military tactics. Kennedy was outfoxed by Castro and his meaty Cuban bois and later cucked by Nikita Krushchev into withdrawing strategic nukes from Turkey. When you look at the other men on this list, do you think they would let themselves be bullied by the commies? Absolutely not. So while Jack Kennedy may have been a great lover, an inspirational president and a proud Massachusetts man, what he was not was a wielder of a large dick. (Lee Harvey Oswald, incidentally had a huuuge dick).

20. Chester A. Arthur

The impending kickoff to Big Boi Season implores us to take a second look at the snuggly, dugong-shaped presidents we might have otherwise forgotten, distracted by the polished handsomeness of a Kennedy or the coolness of a Clinton. But though Chester A. Arthur is often called the Most Forgotten President, every woman who was given the gift of his get-er-done dong built for utility will never forget the thoroughness with which he laid pipe.

19. George Washington

Anime King George Washington looks sad and is totally the baddest kid in school. That long hair, those gigantic eyes, that skinty neck – Anime Washington is the first president of these cheeks. If there was a drawing of his gargantuan cartoon dick – even bigger than his blue eyes – it would need its own sheet of paper.

18. Bill Clinton

On November 21 2004, Americans gawped at a TV interview in which Bill Clinton scolded a reporter with the infamous words: “You don’t want to go there, Peter.” What Peter Jennings had been trying to ask him, in a moment that is now studied by journalism schools across the land, is: “Mr President, sir, can you confirm or deny that you have a small dick?” Clinton’s answer speaks for itself.

17. Ronald Reagan

In historical and legal circles, the 1980 and 1984 electoral victories of Ronald Reagan are referred to the RR train because of the way that he so thoroughly dicked down his opponents. His dicking-down economics carried him to the largest Electoral College victories in American history and into the White House where he slept through multiple cabinet meetings, and slowly dissolved into an incomprehensible mess. In 1981, Reagan was shot at point blank range by a would-be assassin. To this day, scientists can’t explain how, but they believe Reagan’s dick managed to snake its way up the president’s body to shield his internal organs from serious damage, allowing him to survive.

16. Grover Cleveland

Look at this big, walrus-looking bitch and tell me that he did not have a fucking monster cock. Legend has it that old Grover would often use his weighty member as a gavel in cabinet meetings to both intimidate political rivals and to really add emphasis to everything he said. By law, the city of Cleveland, Ohio has to put a plaque near the base of every building over 10 stories to remind people of the origin of their town name, Grover Cleveland’s giant, sky-facing cock.

15. Warren G. Harding

PRO: Had a ton of mistresses, all of whom were satisfied by his hard-ing. CON: From Ohio, a state not known for its big dicks. PRO: Beat a political opponent named Cox, proving his was superior. CON: Died of a heart attack in his sleep instead of taking a bullet like a man. PRO: His official portrait features his hand sassily on his face, like a teacher who's waiting for you to say "May I go to the bathroom" instead of "Can I." Medium-sized dick energy, but major Silly Bitch energy — for which we stan.

14. Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford was arguably one of the most classically American presidents these United States have ever had. All-American Linebacker at the University of Michigan, proud fraternity brother, brave US Navy seaman in WW2, husband to a lady called Betty. But what the history books often forget about Gerald is that he had a massive dick. He was tall, thicc in the haunches and had a sort of strong real life Homer Simpson energy to him. His hands were big and strong and I imagine them to be lightly calloused from years of being a working man. He threw his dickweight around in the political arena, using it to shield him from criticism of pardoning Nixon. However, I do not think Gerald was a man who knew how to use his monster cock. A child of an era that didn’t really believe the existence of female pleasure and thought hysteria was a real thing, I can confidently say that Gerald never went down on Betty.

13. Rutherford B. Hayes

Ugh, just look at how thick his beard is. His mustache hairs are so long they fall underneath his lips. Hayes was a Union officer, an abolitionist and a pussy destroyer – it caused the sad death of his wife Lucy, who passed away in 1889 from getting too much pipe. RIP.

12. James Madison

I got a 4 on my AP U.S. History exam, and I got it by recounting this incredible and very true story about James Madison: When he was writing the Constitution, his quill-pen broke. With White Freedom on the line, he knew what he had to do. He drew his penis from his trousers, dipped that bad boy in his inkwell, and went to town on the remaining Articles. His dick wasn't the biggest by far, but its contribution to history grants it a place near the top of this list. The penis mightier, after all.

11. John Quincy Adams

One of the original big dick bandits, JQA’s look SCREAMS “Get a load of this dick.” His raised eyebrow? His knowing eyes? His titled head? Huge dick. As the first President to ever be photographed, I can state with confidence that the first thing he did after getting his portrait taken was snap a pic of that monster for his assorted mistresses. He’s gonna give it to you Quince by Quince (sorry).

10. George H. W. Bush

Now while his son clearly had the far superior and bigger dick, we can’t forget about the elder Bush. In boldly lying to the American people while campaigning in 1988, he cemented himself in the great American tradition of big dicked dudes lying to the people and getting away with it. His big dick energy may not be as obvious as his son’s, but boy is it there. Nowadays you see him rolling around with a big old grin on his face despite the fact he’s barely lucid — and why? It’s the natural confidence of a man who can outdick everyone in the room and still have some peen left over. But guess who’s the exception to the Bush family big dick rule? ‘Ol Jeb, the man who lost the Republican nomination that was basically gifted to him, has such a small dick that he’s not even allowed to sit at the table with the rest of the family at Thanksgiving.

9. George W. Bush

A little known fact about the hotly disputed 2000 election between Al Gore and George Walker Bush: after the Florida State Supreme Court refused to decide a winner and kicked it up to the Supreme Court, the 9 justices of the court made their decision by looking at the dicks of both men and deciding that Dubya had the superior schlong and therefore the right to lead the free world. Now this story surprisingly isn’t true, but you believed it for a second, right? That’s because former Yale cheerleader and Middle-East invader George Bush has a big dick. It can be seen in the brazen approach to invading a nation on the other side of the world as much as it can be seen on the permanent grin on Laura Bush’s face. You could argue that Dick Cheney was the real Big Dick Operator in this administration, but I think that’s a fundamental disservice to the man that said fuck you to the UN, to the world, and to the American public by telling him to watch his drive.

8. Richard Nixon

No man who looked that hideous would have so shamelessly fucked up being president unless he had a huge dick. That’s not to say Nixon had a good-looking dick – it would have been sinewy and greasy. But a capacity for evil requires a big veiny dick. Watergate? Big dick. Vietnam? Big dick move. Introducing Barry Goldwater at the 1964 RNC? Big, racist, dick move.

7. James Monroe

There's something to be said for all-around good guys. Not amazing guys or hugely successful guys or ginormous-cocked guys, but guys who are still squarely above average. And that was James Monroe, an A- president with a B+ dick. Fun fact I just cribbed from Wikipedia: During the Revolutionary War, he took a slug to the shoulder and lived — something some Presidents could never achieve! Bonus points for outliving, but points subtracted for kind of looking like a greyhound.

6. Barack Obama

Smoked mad cigs and wore a hat that told the world "my dick is pretty big, it's chill." It’s pretty simple – you were only allowed in the Choom Gang if you had a big dick. Would be at the top of the list but he once wore a cell phone belt holster, which is a small dick move. 9/10.

5. Lyndon B. Johnson

Sure, you could make the case that having a big dick is like having class. If you have to tell everyone you have it, you probably don't. But in LBJ's case, I think he talked incessantly about his schlong because it really was the length of his forearm. It's important to note that Lyndon B. Johnson is the only President to go on-record with a nickname for his junk (the creatively named Jumbo). Allegedly, he pissed in front of staffers all the time so they could admire his mighty staff and even had to get his pants tailored to accommodate his massive fucking balls.

4. Abraham Lincoln

As Abraham Lincoln once famously said, “If you a racist, I will attack you with the North." Now that phrase alone belies the sort of supreme confidence that can only come from a dick as long as your hat is tall. Lincoln was a man who used longgg dick to fuck the South so bad that they still haven’t really recovered. His dicking of the Confederacy was so deep and so hard that they couldn’t handle the shame of being cock-slapped by Honest Abe and had to send out tiny dicked John Wilkes Booth to kill him like a coward. After his death, Mary Todd Lincoln was sent to a psychiatric institution to be treated for the first reported case of big dick withdrawal.

3. Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson was an evil man, this is just a fact. But as one of the perpetrators of one of the greatest acts of racism in American History, it’s hard to not acknowledge that his had some power in his dick. Similar to the way that Sauron had a powerful dick but was unspeakably evil, Jackson is someone you have to begrudgingly admit had some power between his thighs. To displace an entire population? To send women and children across freezing plains for no reason other than you didn't like them is the sort of cocky evil that can only come from a place of deep and evil, but large dick. Also he's got a long face like a horse and they have huge dicks so…. science.

2. Ulysses S. Grant

What made Robert E Lee surrender at Appomattox was Ulysses S. Grant unfurling his girthy package onto the table with a heavy thwack. That pained look on the face of Grant in all his pictures is real – he’s in pain because his dick is so heavy it’s dragging the rest of his body down to the ground. Look at him! It’s all he can do to stay upright.

1. Teddy Roosevelt

I love living in New York not for the art or culture or infinite rats and pigeons going viral for gorging on human food — no, I love living in New York because any time I want, I can go to the Museum of Natural History on 79th Street and gaze up at the larger-than-life effigy of President Theodore Roosevelt, his surely ginormous dick astride his horse, Little Texas. He was a literal cowboy (the profession with the greatest number of Big Dicked Dudes, that's a fact), loved the environment, busted up big trusts, was generally Not A Racist, and got shot in the fucking chest while delivering a speech and kept going like nothing happened. And if nothing else has convinced you, let me remind you he lead a cavalry gang called the Rough Riders. What's that line about speaking softly…? ?

@Jnkappers