(April 1, 2020) — Rebel Staff have voted to join Unifor.

In these uncertain times, Rebel's 16 full-time employees voted in an online ballot to join the nation's largest private sector union.

Prime Minister Trudeau's Liberal government are working full time to protect the most essential business of all in Canada: Journalism. To avoid shutting down, the management of Rebel News must agree to accept the vote of its employees and pursue the many offers of free money to be provided by the Liberal government to compliant reporters.

“For years, Ezra Levant has railed against what he calls the Media Party. Now, we want to party too.” — Sheila Gunn Reid

Canadian Heritage Minister Steven Guilbeault is leading the charge to protect the people who need help the most — us — with a $30 million advertising slush fund for approved media organizations to fight against the spread of fake news.

Coronavirus is on track to hit 1 million infections worldwide this week. Amid this panic, journalists must sacrifice their self-isolation self care time to spread life-saving, government-sanctioned suggestions like don't wear a mask.

By joining Unifor, our reporters will get access to Trudeau's press conferences so we can ask the tough questions we've built our reputation on, like “Why are you so awesome?”

Negotiations for new contracts are underway. Sheila Gunn Reid seeks permission to break the six-feet social distancing rule so a hair stylist may provide a Lisa LaFlamme style blow-out five days a week. David Menzies requires an upgrade from his hockey stick microphone extension, and Keean Bexte is demanding new artwork for his living room.

“It's been 2015 for five years. My studio's background should be decorated with paintings by strong, female artists. I just want someone else to pay for it.” — Keean Bexte

Unifor calls on Ezra Levant and Rebel News Network to release office-based Rebel employees from the requirement that we ought to tidy our own dishes and replace empty toilet paper rolls. These tasks put an undue burden on the Rebel workforce, and this challenging work must be contracted to an outside firm to provide work for other Unifor unions.

“I'm nobody's coffee boy. Ezra has to hire kitchen staff. We only have a Keurig machine, we don't even have a Nespresso!” — David Menzies

At the time of this release, Unifor president Jerry Dias has not responded to our calls.

Rebel News has until April 31st, 2020 to formally accept the outcome of this vote.

APRIL FOOLS!