It’s Saturday again and I’m not playing football.

I am 27 years old and I have tasted success, felt the hurt and experienced loss, all thanks to the beautiful game that is football – a game that can fill you with the highest, most joyous feelings, yet take them away with a single action, leaving you in a dark, desperate place.

When three o’clock arrives the disappointment and sadness reaches its peak. In happier times I would be strolling out on to the pitch in front of thousands of fans ready to take on some of the most gifted players in the world.

Instead I find myself searching. Searching for something to fill that void, something to recreate the extraordinary emotional highs and lows you experience during 90 minutes of kicking a ball around. It’s hard to explain that intense feeling of sheer joy to someone who hasn’t experienced it. How can you recreate that feeling of scoring a goal in front of a packed house at Upton Park? It’s impossible.

The rush is like a drug. You become addicted. You’re part of an elite club, a club I am no longer part of, a club that I long to be part of once more. I am here today fighting against the odds. I want that feeling to return. That’s why I find myself pushing my body to the limits daily, going through the pain barrier. And I am very pleased to say I am now in the position to return to doing what I love doing most: playing football.

Jack Collison scoring for West Ham United in 2008 (Getty Images)

I grew up in south Harrow, in the west London suburbs, and even from an early age I was obsessed with the game. I was the kid who always had a ball by his side, often taking a smelly, dirty ball to bed with me at night. My room was a shrine to the game, posters lining my walls, including a full-size picture of David Beckham, the player I idolised.

The garden was my arena, the place I spent hours on end practising my skills, re-enacting goals and more often than not dreaming of one day playing in the Premier League.

My mum, Amanda, took care of the family while my dad, Ian, would go out to work as a roofer. My mum was certainly the strong character, always in control. My dad, on the other hand, was a bit of a cheeky chap. He was often in trouble but he had a magnetic personality. Fortunately for me, he was just as obsessed with football as I was, and this was where my love for the game was embedded into my DNA. Chelsea were his team, and so they were mine too: the likes of Dennis Wise and Franco Zola were my childhood heroes.

Instead I find myself searching. Searching for something to fill that void <p>Jack Collison</p>

Whether it was in the playground with my friends, down the park, or playing for my local team, Shefford Saints, I would dream of playing in the Premier League. I was obsessed, and over time I began to realise I was starting to become pretty good at the game. At the age of nine I was spotted and signed for Peterborough United. We got treated like professionals even at a young age and I loved the environment. I thrived on being written off when we played the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal and Man United. This underdog spirit is something that remained within me and was always backed up thanks to the calming advice of our coach, Kit Carson. Kit really believed in me and pushed me harder than anyone else.

It was then that I suffered what was to be the first of many setbacks in my footballing life. Peterborough closed down their youth system. It was only a short-term problem, however, because alongside Kit and many team-mates, I made the switch to Cambridge United. I stayed with Cambridge until the age of 16 – and then they closed down their youth system as well.

But I soon found out West Ham were interested and had to pinch myself because that would give me the chance to work with Tony Carr, the man who had helped shape the careers of some of my idols, such as Frank Lampard, Michael Carrick and Joe Cole. West Ham was a real step up but I adapted and got my head down and worked hard. From youth team captain to reserve team captain and eventually training and travelling with the first team to games. I was so close to my dream of Premier League football, first with Alan Pardew in charge of the first team, and then under Alan Curbishley.

There were times when I wondered if it would happen – and then suddenly it did. On New Year’s Day 2008. An away game against Arsenal in the famous claret and blue of West Ham (left). I entered the field as a replacement for Freddie Ljungberg and played out the last 60 minutes in a 2-0 defeat by a very good Arsenal side. Alan Curbishley’s last words before I went on will live with me for the rest of my life. “Try and get close to Fabregas,” he said. A near impossible task for the seasoned pros, let alone a lanky 19-year-old.

I remember warming up with James Tomkins and getting abuse for our shocking haircuts. I watched on in awe of these wonderful players, thinking to myself “I’m miles away from being as good as this lot”. In truth I felt out of my depth that day, but that little taste was all I needed to inspire me to work even harder.

I struggled for opportunities after that with Curbishley in charge but everything changed for me when Zola took over as manager.

I was amazed to find out that Zola the man was even more impressive than this wonderful footballer I had watched from the terraces as a kid. He captured our imagination with his very first meeting, as he spoke with his soft voice. He didn’t have to shout, as he instantly had the respect of the entire squad. He created an excitement, a real buzz around the training ground, something that had been missing for a while.

Collison in action for Peterborough United, his current club, during the most recent pre-season (Getty Images)

Though I was around the squad, in my mind I still wasn’t a first-team player. But that didn’t matter to Zola, he took an interest in everyone and the extra work we did at the end of training improved my game massively. I felt I was ready but had to wait my chance. It eventually came in a cold away trip to Old Trafford. I came on for the last half hour and, though I say it myself, did really well.

The next game, Everton at home, I felt I would get an opportunity again. Every game I had featured in previously was away from the Boleyn, but this game had a different buzz. It was at home, in front of a full house. I remember walking out to warm up and stopping for a second to take it all in. the smell of the grass, the noise from the expectant crowd, the vibrant colours.

For me this was heaven. Everything I had dreamt of – and more.

I entered the pitch early on as a substitute and got a huge roar from the home faithful, which gave me a huge boost, and I set about my work trying to impress. In a tight game I finally got the chance I longed for.

A long ball over the top to Scott Parker, he managed somehow to flick it back into my path. I took a touch out of my feet and opened my body up…

At this moment everything stood still, the noise stopped, I looked down at the ball and tried to make clean contact. The ball slowly sailed past Tim Howard and into the top corner. All of a sudden the noise erupted, the colours became even brighter. I had just scored my first goal in the Premier League and this intense feeling shot through my body. Sheer excitement, joy and disbelief all at the same time. Although we lost the game 3-1 that feeling has always stayed with me, and I think that moment was the start of my special bond with the West Ham fans.

Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 Show all 17 1 /17 Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>17) Andre Ayew (Swansea City) - down 2</b> After a blistering start to the season Ayew, like Swansea, had cooled off before the recent trip to Villa Park where against the relegation candidates he found his best form and eventually added the crucial match-winner. Things were much tougher against Arsenal last time out but this weekend Swansea will be eyeing maximum points again. If they're to get them, Ayew will be crucial. Last Fixture: L - 0-3 - Arsenal Next Fixture: Norwich (a) 2015 Getty Images Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>16) Joleon Lescott (Aston Villa) - up 1</b> Remi Garde takes charge of his first game as Aston Villa manager this weekend and having watched his new side in person on Monday night, he'll have a better idea of the task ahead. During that 3-1 loss to Tottenham he will have seen an ageing defence struggle to contain their opponents. Four of them are over 30 (goalkeeper Brad Guzan, Alan Hutton, Lescott, Kieran Richardson) and Micah Richards has plenty of Premier League experience of his own. Scoring goals was a problem under Tim Sherwood, but an experienced defence made plenty of errors. Garde will want to make the team tough to beat, but the likes of Lescott have to improve, particularly with Manchester City coming to town this weekend. Last Fixture: L - 3-1 - Tottenham Next Fixture: Manchester City (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>15) Steven Fletcher (Sunderland) - down 1 </b> Sunderland were humiliated last time out, losing 6-2 to Everton. But whilst things were a shambles at the back, Sam Allardyce could at least take solace that his two strikers, Jermain Defoe and Steven Fletcher, bagged some confidence boosting goals. If the Black Cats are to have any hope of escaping the relegation zone, they'll need them to continue firing. Last Fixture: L - 6-2 - Everton Next Fixture: Southampton (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>14) Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) - down 3</b> Having fallen eight places last week, Rooney tumbles another three. The Manchester United captain looks less and less like a striker every week and his playing up top means United's most dangerous attacker, Anthony Martial, has been shunted out to the left, blunting his threat. Against one of the meaner defences in the league in the shape of West Brom, those struggles could continue. Last Fixture: D - 0-0 - Crystal Palace Next Fixture: West Brom (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>13) Salomon Rondon (West Brom) - no change</b> Two wins in a row for Tony Pulis' side were ended by the weekly Leicester comeback last time out. West Brom are getting to grips with their manager's methods, but whilst keeping goals out is the priority, someone is needed to put them in at the other end and that's the case this weekend for the trip to Old Trafford. Venezuelan Rondon hasn't made the fastest start to the life in England but he scored in last weekend's defeat and he clearly has the physical and technical tools to thrive. It could just be the Theatre of Dreams for his on Saturday. Last Fixture: L - 2-3 - Leicester Next Fixture: Manchester United (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>12) Odion Ighalo (Watford) - new entry</b> Troy Deeney, Watford's captain and cult hero, held this position last week. But despite his decent displays, including assists, a high work rate and great link-up play, his problems in front of goal continue. In contrast, Ighalo just can't stop scoring and took his tally to seven for the season in the 2-0 win over West Ham. For that reason, the Nigerian comes in. Last Fixture: W - 2-0 - West Ham Next Fixture: Leicester (a) Getty Images Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>11) Sadio Mane (Southampton) - down 1</b> Graziano Pelle has previously appeared on this list and continues to be excellent, but Mane has 'it' (whatever that may be). Manchester United were laughed at when they made a move for the Senegalese in the summer, but every week that move looks like it would have been a coup. Mane is fearless, direct and fast, striking fear into whichever defender is tasked with marking him. He also has an eye for goal and has no qualms about working hard defensively to help the team. A top player playing a huge role in helping Southampton edge up the table. Last Fixture: W - 2-0 - Bournemouth Next Fixture: Sunderland (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>10) Christian Benteke (Liverpool) - down 4</b> With Daniel Sturridge still not 100 per cent fit, Christian Benteke has returned at the perfect time for Jurgen Klopp, scoring a good goal in an impressive second-half performance against Southampton and then again in the win over Chelsea. Liverpool's focal point in attack is crucial to their resurgence under new management. Last Fixture: W - 1-3 - Chelsea Next Fixture: Crystal Palace (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>9) Eden Hazard (Chelsea) - up 7</b> Defeat, again, for Chelsea last weekend. The 3-1 loss to Liverpool saw Hazard reinstated into the first team but he again failed to have the desired impact and was replaced by Nunes do Nascimento at the hour mark. In midweek, his cameo performance in the Champions League reminded everyone watching why he was last season's standout player. With Jose Mourinho absent from the Britannia Stadium this weekend, the Chelsea manager needs his key players to step up. Hazard is one of those players and a big performance from him could go along way to calming speculation over Mourinho's future. Last Fixture: L - 1-3 - Liverpool Next Fixture: Stoke (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>8) Olivier Giroud (Arsenal) - no change</b> His Arsenal career looked to have stalled at the start of the season when Theo Walcott was scoring and he was getting sent off in the Champions League. But where Walcott dropped, Giroud stepped up and has been impressive in cameo appearances against Watford and Bayern Munich, before he was superb against Everton and Swansea. Giroud is one of Arsene Wenger's main men for the next few weeks and will be looked to for the goals in the North London derby. Last Fixture: W - 0-3 - Swansea Next Fixture: Tottenham (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>7) Yohan Cabaye (Manchester City) - no change</b> A fixture in these rankings this season, Cabaye was at the centre of Crystal Palace's excellent start to the season. A run of defeats clipped the Eagles' wings but they will hope that has come to an end with a dogged 0-0 draw with Manchester United in their last outing. A tough fixture awaits this weekend with a trip to Liverpool, a match in which Cabaye will be essential to hopes of picking up some points. Last Fixture: D - 0-0 - Manchester United Next Fixture: Liverpool (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>6) Anthony Martial (Manchester United) - up three </b> Worryingly for Manchester United, the teenager is now the club's biggest threat and most obvious match-winner, a trait that has only been so much more evident in the last couple of matches where he was pushed out to the left. With Rooney continuing to struggle, Louis van Gaal desperately needs Martial to fill the void. With that in mind, will the Manchester United manager move the French youngster back into the middle for the visit of West Brom? With just one goal scored in their last four matches in all competitions, it must be tempting. Last Fixture: D - 0-0 - Crystal Palace Next Fixture: West Brom (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>5) Dmitri Payet (West Ham) - down 2</b> West Ham's incredible season was stunted last weekend when they were beaten 2-0 by Watford. Slaven Bilic will be eager to get things back on track when they host Everton this weekend and Payet, one of the standout performers in the Premier League this term, will be vital. Last Fixture: L - 2-0 - Watford Next Fixture: Everton (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>4) Kevin De Bruyne (Manchester City) - up 1</b> With David Silva and Sergio Aguero's continued unavailability, summer signing De Bruyne has been the go to man for creativity and goals. So far he's been delivering and whilst he wasn't on the score-sheet in the narrow 2-1 win over Norwich last weekend, he was arguably man-of-the-match, pulling strings and showing the most willingness to create chances among the players in the blue. This weekend could be a tough one for the league leaders, with Aston Villa potentially benefiting from the 'new manager bounce' that Remi Garde may bring. Last Fixture: W - 2-1 - Norwich Next Fixture: Aston Villa (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>3) Jamie Vardy (Leicester City) - down one</b> There was never any doubt that Vardy would remain among the highest placers in the Power Rankings after he continued his incredible goalscoring run with what turned out to be the winner against West Brom. The England international has now scored in eight consecutive games. Last Fixture: W - 2-3 - West Brom Next Fixture: Watford (h) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>2) Harry Kane (Tottenham) - up 2</b> Having moved up seven places last week after his hat-trick against Bournemouth, Kane continues to rise. That's due to his finely taken late goal against Aston Villa on Monday night and the fixture the England striker finds himself this weekend - the North London derby. Kane is firing again and with the likes of Moussa Dembele and Christian Eriksen impressing behind him, he can expect a few chances to fall his way at the Emirates on Sunday. Last Fixture: W - 3-1 - Aston Villa Next Fixture: Arsenal (a) Premier League Power Rankings: Week 12 <b>1) Alexis Sanchez (Arsenal) - non-mover</b> Sanchez remains the best individual performer in the Premier League. There are just so many ways in which he can put his mark on a football match, not just goals. He can create for others, he helps his defender and the work rate and effort he puts in rubs off on the rest of the Arsenal team. No other player in the Premier League is as important to their club as Sanchez - and no more will that be true than when Arsenal host their fiercest rivals. Last Fixture: W - 0-3 - Swansea Next Fixture: Tottenham (h)

Over the next few seasons we experienced plenty of highs and lows together. I had a great run in the team under Zola, but just three days after scoring a winner against Manchester City in March 2009 my footballing world fell apart. On a cold, wet night at Wigan I tried to bring the ball down on my chest and I felt my knee go as I tried to run in the opposite direction. I knew it was a bad one straight away, I gripped on to the grass trying to stop the intense pain shooting through my leg but nothing would work.

I couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. I was disappointed the next day when I found out the club doctor was content for me to fly to Spain on a team trip rather than to get my knee sorted. This was one of the first times I realised there was more that went on behind the scenes. People were in it for themselves, and over the next year I felt how little regard there was for me as a young professional. I considered I had been put at risk by this doctor to avoid him having a long-term injury on his hands. How disappointing was that?

I patched the knee up and made a return a couple of months later, but as time wore on I knew it didn’t feel right. It was a tough decision but eventually I knew I had to have a big operation. I managed to play over half the season, but we were struggling in the League and it got to the point where I was hardly training and just playing games with the promise I could see the best people in the world to make it right at the end of the season.

I didn’t make it to the end of the season and had to go in myself and tell the manager that I could no longer continue. He seemed shocked and I’m not sure to what extent he knew of my situation with my knee. Once again I felt the doctor’s agenda was very different to mine and being naive and not wanting to miss any football I went along with the plan, not realising the lasting effects it could have on my career.

It was during this tricky time I also lost my dad. He was killed in a motorcycle accident and I can remember the day as if it were yesterday. Everything about it. Tottenham at home in the League, a game my dad would have been at. I remember coming into the players lounge afterwards and noticing my dad wasn’t there. It wasn’t strange for my dad to go missing, but this felt different. I tried to call and text but there was no reply.

I headed home and remember settling down to watch highlights of the cricket. Then my buzzer went. As I looked out of my flat window my heart sank. I could see the police waiting to come in. “What’s going on?” I thought, and all the time in my head I was thinking: “It must be dad”.

At first I thought he had got himself in a spot of bother. But as the policeman spoke to me, I knew it was more. He had a sad look in his eyes and struggled to make eye contact with me. And then he uttered the devastating words: “Your dad has been involved in a fatal motorbike accident.” I felt numb. I felt empty. I was upset, annoyed and in a complete state of shock.

Emotion was running through me as I burst into tears. I couldn’t control them as I made the phone call to my mum to let her know what had happened. I was 20.

It’s hard to explain exactly how I felt, but I decided to play in a cup game three days later and I knew it was the right thing to do. It was a massive game against Millwall, our local rivals, and I knew my dad would have been there cheering me on under the lights at Upton Park. It was such an emotional night and one that I will never, ever forget. This was the night the football family came together. My team-mates, the staff and the West Ham fans carried me through what was the toughest game of football I have and ever will play in.

The intense feelings were very different. It’s hard to find anything that can make you feel 10-feet tall when all you want to do is roll up into a ball and cry and let the world swallow you up.

I battled on for much of that season despite my chronic injuries then eventually had the operation. After that I worked day and night for 14 months alongside some of the best people I have ever met in the game. When you talk about being tested, this period in my life was definitely the toughest, but it was also the time when I learnt the most about myself as a person. I grew up and had to become a man.

My first start after this was one of mixed emotions. Once again, we had Wigan away. I had worked so hard to make it back and was desperate to try and do my bit for the team. We were really struggling in the League, and I was helpless throughout the whole season, kicking and heading every ball as a fan, it really was torturous.

Strangely the day of my comeback – 15 May, 2011 – also turned out to be the day that we got relegated. It’s hard to explain, but I felt so grateful at the time to be out on the pitch again that the disappointment of being relegated took slightly longer to hit me then it did for some of the others.

Relegation meant the end for Avram Grant and in came Sam Allardyce. The following season, under Big Sam, was possibly my most successful in a West Ham shirt. I played 36 games and scored vital goals to help win promotion back into the Premier League. And there were more of those ecstatic highs when I scored twice in the play-off semi-final to help us on our way to Wembley. This feeling was heightened when we beat Blackpool 2-1 on the big day in front of a packed house.

It’s hard when in your heart you feel like you can play football but your body can’t quite do what you want it to. <p>Jack Collison</p>

On a personal level I struggled throughout the game with my shoulder and my knee, but there was no way I was going to come off. It was a day you dream of as a kid, and going up the stairs to collect my medal was a special moment, one that fills me with pride when I think back on it.

But if that was an unforgettable high, there were plenty of lows to come in the next two seasons as I battled against injury once again and struggled to force my way into the team. Knee troubles were once more the root of the problem and limited my playing time once again. Two short loan spells and another injury were to follow.

By the end of the 2013-14 season I found myself without a club and out of contract. Of course I was disappointed to be leaving West Ham. It was all that I had known since I was 16. This was a club I had sweated, bled and often played on injured for. It was also a club I had grown to love. In my heart I knew my time was coming as I hadn’t been playing, but it was very difficult to let go.

Last season was another wasted one for me, a brief spell at Ipswich followed by another injury left me once again in a very dark place and without a job. It was at this point that I took the time to re-evaluate and made the decision to have some time away from football. I felt I needed to let my injuries heal and to give myself the best chance of a comeback.

It was a very difficult decision to make. It’s hard when in your heart you feel like you can play football but your body can’t quite do what you want it to.

I put my head down and worked hard, day and night to get my body right and be able to go back to playing. I also used my spare time to set up the Jack Collison Soccer School, start a university degree (in sports journalism) and begin my coaching badges. All of the areas would be of value to me if I didn’t quite achieve my goal. But I did them all as a back-up, never once doubting that I would make it back on to a football pitch.

If not for his injury problems, Collison could have represented Wales at Euro 2016 this summer alongside Gareth Bale (Getty Images)

During the darkest times I was very lucky to have strong people around me. Having a daughter and a supportive fiancée helps when you really hit the floor. Coming home after a tough day, it’s nice to have to chase a crazy two-year-old around. It really helped take my mind away from the bad stuff and appreciate what I do have.

Finally in June I felt I was ready. I was fit and in shape, ready to train and once again on the look-out for a new team. I eventually signed for Peterborough United. It felt right, with the slightest hint of a fairytale in that I was going back to where it had started all those years ago as an energetic nine-year-old.

But even now my story is not over. I have played quite a few times for the Posh this season but not as much as I would have liked. I’m still working day and night to improve and get back to playing week in, week out.

The dream is still there but the reality of a footballer’s life is not quite what I imagined as a kid growing up. I am 27 now and looking back at my football life, I have experienced a wide variety of feelings and challenges. Some amazing, and so intense that they make me tingle when I think about them. Others not so good, but which have helped me grow as a person.

I feel very thankful for everything I have and if you ever see me on the pitch nowadays, more often than not I will have a huge smile on my face. I treat every game, every training session and every moment on the grass as if it will be my last. I try not to get too carried away with being disappointed as it is an accomplishment in itself that I can call myself a professional footballer.

I look back on it all as a great adventure, a story with plenty of ups and downs. I feel blessed to say that this is my story and one that I hope still has plenty in it. I am very thankful now when three o’clock on Saturday arrives and even more so if I am playing.