Bloomberg Stops By Daytona 500 To Hand Out Speeding Tickets

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After yesterday's race was rained out, presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg made a surprise visit to the Daytona 500 today as part of his campaign. “I saw a lot of people gathered in one place having fun,” Bloomberg told reporters, “which seemed a clear indication I needed to come by and fix things.”

When Bloomberg arrived at the race, he was shocked to see cars driving around at extremely unsafe speeds. With the help of police, Bloomberg began to pull aside all the cars and hand out tickets to the drivers. After enough hefty fines were handed out, all the NASCAR drivers were soon obeying the speed limit.

“Isn’t this good, clean, safe fun?” Bloomberg asked the crowd, before turning to some cars to shout, “No tailgating!”

The crowd did not seem to share Bloomberg’s enthusiasm, as the 100,000 in attendance all began to boo him at once. After enough bribes were handed out, though, the booing was reduced to a low murmur.

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