Despite the haters who’ve prayed for his demise, the all-powerful Sheev Palpatine has returned once more, with a fleet of Death Star Destroyers in tow, along with newfound wisdom to impart. So pull up a chair and take heed as America’s favorite Sith Lord answers questions about love, life, the Force, and of course, his shocking appearance in The Rise of Skywalker.

Hi Emperor,

What did you think of the poster to Rise of Skywalker? I heard they didn’t even use your likeness and just slapped an image of a toy on the design?

-D. Struzan

Darth Strudel,

Your eyes and ears should be commended. That is indeed not me on the poster to the film, but a replica that pales in comparison. It has nowhere near the correct amount of articulation or rogue-ish charm. I’m perplexed as to why they used a Hot Toys figure when they could have featured my absolute favorite toy version of me: Sheev-on-a-Shelf. Alas, this is the first and last time you see an inferior version of me on any promotional materials. I have thoroughly electrocuted the team of graphic designers, and they won’t be playing with toys for a long, long time.

Wow, what a HOT TOY!

Dearest Sheev,

My partner and I are ready to consummate our relationship but he is currently Force bonded to some scavenger from Jakku. Should we make love or break the Force bond first?

-Forlorn in the First Order

General Hux,

You are as pitiful as you are transparent. I see past your heartache. You want Kylo Ren… yes. But our little Dark Prince wants another. A foul creature… yes… Rey. Embrace your anger. Strike her down. Spill wine on her white gown! Wait… a vision… there is only one way to truly win the heart of the heartless one you desire. You must impress him with an athletic feat he has never seen before. Leap over his ship with a quadruple lutz. Tumble for him. Do the splits. Then, and only then, can you use the secret weapon I’m lending you… just for one night: My late apprentice Darth Vader’s codpiece. Wear this to fully realize your rightful place next to Kylo Ren’s swole bosom. Within seconds, his Force bond with the scavenger will be a thing of the past, and he will be on you like sand on Jakku. Do it!

Artwork by Zuoying

Dear Mr. Palpatine,

Our son is going away to college this fall, and I’d like to send him the occasional care package to keep him from getting homesick. At the same time, I don’t want him to be made fun of by his new friends or anything for being baby’ed by his parents. Any advice on what to include in the care package?

-Mom Who Wants To Know Best

Mom Mothma,

Send him nothing. When I was a Sithling, I was given nothing, because necessity is the Mother Talzin of invention. Your feeble manchild must learn to survive on his own. He should envy his roommates and the care packages sent to them by inferior maternal units. His growing hatred will drive him to seek powers most unnatural. Like the ability to care for himself and see beyond the infantilizing simulation peddled by the media. Also, do not call him. Know that his pain and loneliness will be rewarded later with immense power and respect for his evil elders.

Palps,

Is it true that Rey is a Palpatine?

-J. Favreau

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Thank you for this, Farve. It has given me….UN-LIM-IT-ED LOLZ!! My seed could never make someone so… homely.

Dearest Sheev,

I really want to make Grandma’s ole cinnamon toast cookies and I’m not sure of the proper amount of cinnamon and an adequate cook time! Can you help me, Dark Lord?

-Ramsey Fieri

Ramses,

2 teaspoons of my special sin-namon powder (regular cinnamon with a dash of paprika for some Sith heat) per every 6 cookies. Bake at 325 degrees for 25 minutes. My love to Grandma.

Yo Emperor Ovaltine,

Which of them Galaxy’s Edge theme parks should I go to now that I’m back from Sweden?

-A$AP Rocky

ASPCA,

I suggest you exercise patience. Currently there are no rides or merchandise at Galaxy’s Edge that feature yours truly. So unless your idea of fun is pretending to pilot a hunk of junk, or being fleeced for toy weaponry, wait until December or January when the Rise of the Resistance experience is fully operational. Spoiler alert: I may or may not be part of that ride!

Sheeverino!

Did you steal your trademark slogan “I am the Senate” from Louis XIV?

-Bored At The Library

Dear Boor,

I will not dignify your personal attack with an answer. However, I will point out that the Frenchman you mention was merely King of France, while I am the Galactic Emperor. I will also point out that the very dead Louis was keen to say “I am the state” not “I am the Senate” or “I am the Sheevus” in the manner that I say it. Congratulations, you made my Sith list.

Have a question for Sheev? Leave a comment below or hit him up on Twitter @RealAskSheev! Click HERE to check out our ‘Ask Sheev’ archive.

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