This foreign concept of calling a taxi on a mobile phone app is for buffaloes who don't understand Thailand

How dare they. How … dare … they. Uber has set up shop in Bangkok and Phuket. Uber is the new app you can download onto your smartphone. You register yourself along with your credit card, then whenever you need to go somewhere you call it up and choose between a regular or a luxury car.

An illustration picture shows the logo of car-sharing service app Uber on a smartphone next to the picture of an official German taxi sign in Frankfurt, Sept 15, 2014. (Reuters photo)

Before the car arrives you get the driver's name and phone number. You pay by credit card so no money changes hands.

But Uber has incurred the wrath of the Land Transport Department, and as of last week was declared illegal in Thailand.

That outraged everybody. The Land Transport Department was accused of being a dinosaur, but as of now the department has stood its ground.

Bravo, I say!

Who does this Uber think it is? We already have a thriving taxi industry in Bangkok and Phuket. Tens of thousands of local drivers and their families are reliant on that industry.

Uber is wrong for Thailand in so many ways. I made a list of all those wrong ways, but it would take me at least three Sunday columns to explain them all. I fear my editors may accuse me of pushing pedantry to new limits, so I am going to précis that list into one small column — namely, this one.

So what is wrong with Uber — besides everything?

1. The name and IDs of Uber drivers are supplied before the vehicle arrives.

This is outrageous.

Knowing the name of your taxi driver is surely an invasion of his privacy.

Yes, the Land Transport Department did take steps a few years ago, issuing all taxi drivers with a card to be displayed on the left-hand side of the dashboard, just above the carefully-concealed brick or crowbar wrapped in a dishcloth in the glove box.

That card has the driver's name, in Thai and English, along with a photograph that sometimes resembles the person sitting behind the wheel, give or take a few decades.

Sometimes there is an entirely different person behind the wheel. So? In Thailand, registered taxi drivers lend their cars out to relatives to drive. The name on that dashboard card may read SOMCHAI JAIDEE, but the person behind the wheel could well be Somchai's wife's younger brother's best friend's next-door-neighbour, fresh off the bus from Mor Chit, having just completed the rice harvest on the Surin farm and looking for part-time work.

How feasible is it to expect Thai taxi drivers to correspond to printed pictures or information stored on a computer somewhere? Besides, the whole point of a taxi is to get from A to B, not to learn intimate facts about the man sharing the car with you.

2. Uber drivers are required to wear uniforms.

What — so we are back in school, are we? Not only do drivers have to know how to drive — they have to dress in some kind of uniform?

Thai taxi drivers are grown-ups. The very word "Thailand" means "Land of the Free", and this extends to dress codes.

Let those goody-two-shoes Uber drivers dress neatly. Anyway, you tell me how the aforesaid next-door neighbour of the best friend of the younger brother of Somchai Jaidee's wife manages to secure a uniform before he borrows Somchai's taxi? He's only been in Bangkok not even a day before he starts to drive! Talk about discrimination against the poor.

Speaking of discrimination …

3. Uber only accepts passengers with credit cards.

This point was raised the first day the scandal broke as a genuine concern of the Land Transport Department, describing it as "discrimination".

How true.

For years now, legally-registered Bangkok taxi drivers have had a very clear way of discriminating that is uniquely Thai and requires no input or meddling by a farang driving service.

It goes like this: When taxi drivers see a potential customer on the side of the road, they pull up. Upon hearing the customer's desired destination, the driver takes a few seconds to ponder that destination: does it fit into his scheme of life? Is it anywhere near his mia noi's apartment? Could he be bothered going there?

This is a system that has been in place for years and requires no additions or subtractions by Uber.

4. Uber's fare is more expensive than registered metered taxis.

How dare Uber think it can just come into Thailand and charge a price way above what the meter says! That's like westerners teaching muay Thai to the locals!

In Thailand, only Thai taxi drivers are allowed to do this.

5. Uber bases its fares on the meter.

What about all those taxi drivers around Silom and Nana Plaza and parked outside every hotel in Bangkok and Phuket who refuse to turn on their meter? What's going to happen to them? How are they going to make any money?

In Phuket this is going to be an even bigger problem than in Bangkok. The last time a legally-registered Phuket taxi driver turned on his meter was back in 2006, and that was only because the passenger was a cop.

6. Uber may have unregistered drivers who could be dangerous.

Stop picking on Suvarnabhumi taxi drivers!

There is a very respectable mafia running the taxis out there that is doing an excellent job of fleecing tourists. These taxis are known as "black licence plates" in Thai and they used to control Don Mueang airport. When the international airport moved over to Suvarnabhumi, so too did the mafia.

Thanks to clandestine payments to those in power they are allowed to operate freely — extorting, raping and sometimes even murdering passengers fresh off the plane. If you are worried about your taxi driver committing a violent act upon you, there is no need to even think of Uber.

7. Uber cars are clean and quiet.

If you want "clean and quiet" why on earth are you in Thailand? This is an exciting, bustling country full of life and energy. Go to a Tibetan monastery if you want clean and quiet.

It is abhorrent to think Thai taxi drivers would have to turn down the radio in their vehicles. Do you expect men to sit in a car without listening to cranked-up luk thung music? It's a taxi, not a jail.

8. Uber uses special devices not sanctioned by the Land Transport Department.

I'm talking about GPS and fare calculators that can tell you exactly where your destination is and how long it will take to get there. It is all with the customer in mind.

Registered Bangkok taxi drivers already have special equipment with the customer in mind, especially those customers that demand fairness and honesty — namely, the brick and the crowbar wrapped in a dishcloth in the glove box.

Thailand has had enough of westerners marching in with their ideas and trying to change the age-old ways of doing business here.

Like the Land Transport Department, I worry that registered Bangkok and Phuket taxi drivers, trying to make an honest living out of refusing fares and overcharging Silom revellers, are going to go the way of other extinct Thai establishments.

I have been here long enough to remember the huge stink that was kicked up by the Thai Retailers Association when international department stores were allowed into to Thailand, introducing foreign concepts like money-back guarantees and after-sales service.

Could the same thing happen to Bangkok taxi drivers?

While discussing the Uber situation on my radio show last Monday night, one angry listener shot an SMS to the radio station which summed it all up:

"So this American company can come into Thailand and completely break the Road Transport laws here, can it?"

Absolutely not! That sort of behaviour is the exclusive domain of the Thais. n