It’s been a while since I’ve done this whole ‘write out what you’re feeling’ shit, but A, I’m currently in the process of avoiding my English essay like the fucking plague, so why not? And B, I’ve had a lot of shit on my mind lately, so I should probably try and get it out of my system, or whatever.

It’s mostly good stuff, at least. Really, really good, actually.

It’s been like… a month and a half, I think? since I started helping Landon with Math. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I’ve been staying after with him before he goes to football practice.

And, much as I totally hate Trig and never really thought I had the patience to teach anybody, tutoring Landon has been…

Hmmm. I’m not really sure how to describe it without resorting to a bunch of super cringe-worthy cliches.

I’ve known Landon for literally years now — Just as long as I’ve known Ollie and Lily, actually. But for as long as I’ve known him, I’ve never really KNOWN him, until now. And that’s my own fault.

I’ll admit it — I was always too chickenshit to actually walk up and talk to him. I’m fairly certain that almost every conversation we’ve had over the years was because he came up and talked to ME first.

And it’s not like I didn’t want to be the one to talk to him, but I was just too afraid of fucking up. Even before I figured out I had a crush on him, I thought he seemed so cool. I wanted to be friends with him ever since we were kids, but I never knew HOW. Everything fell into place so naturally with Lily and Ollie. But I could never really replicate that with Landon. I just got too tongue-tied and scared.

See, the problem is, I pretty much suck at talking to people without managing to sound like a fucking moron. I open my mouth and basically spew word-vomit everywhere. It’s awful.

I think some people are surprised to find out how smart I really am, since I sound so goddamn stupid all the time. But that just goes to show them, doesn’t it?

As superficial as everybody loves being around here, you can’t really judge people by what’s on the outside. You can’t assume shit about anybody before you really get to know them.

Landon’s basically the textbook example. I mean yeah, I can objectively say that his ass is magnificent and he has the most gorgeous green eyes that I could just sit there and drown in forever… But I think I was too blinded by that stuff to realize how awesome he really is, underneath it all.

Turns out we have a lot more in common than I ever thought we did. Stuff from feeling pressure from our families to worrying we don’t fit in to being obsessed with video games… Stuff I never would have thought just by looking at him. ‘Pretty boy jock’ might be what everybody else sees on the surface, but there’s really so much more to him than that.

And yes, he totally sucks at Math, and numbers in general, from the looks of it. But he’s not STUPID. He’s just a different kind of smart than I am. We’ve spent some of our tutoring sessions with him basically teaching ME about football (or trying to, anyway… I still don’t 100% get it) and he’s seriously brilliant. Passionate too.

Even if I have no fucking clue what he’s talking about, I’m pretty sure I could listen to him tell me about football all day. It’s weirdly captivating, especially seeing the way his whole face lights up when he talks about it. It’s adorable.

Plus, trying to connect the angle of the pass and the positions of the players on the field with the math problems we’re working on actually helps a lot. He’s really starting to get the hang of it now, I think. Or hope. He has a lot riding on this dumb class.

Part of me does wonder about that… If he really cares so much about passing the class, why come to me? Why not ask Mr. Marshall for help directly? Or use somebody from the peer tutoring program?

Could it… Mean something? Can’t lie, I catch myself wondering about that a lot. Especially with the way he looks at me sometimes. Or the way he leans in so close when I’m talking to him. Or that sexy smile he does that makes me just… ungh.

That stuff’s gotta be in my head, right? I’m just seeing what I wanna see. I still can’t say for sure whether he’s into guys or not, but even if he IS, here’s no way he’d ever be into somebody like me. He’s hot, funny, charming, popular… a lot like Ollie, actually. Basically the epitome of the perfect guy.

And I’m… well, you know.

Like I keep telling Lily, that kinda shit only happens in Hollywood.

And yes, geographically-speaking, we are practically ‘in’ Hollywood. But metaphorically, we couldn’t be farther from it.

Doesn’t stop me from dreaming a little bit though, and wondering what I should do now. Every time me and Landon meet up after school, I keep asking myself whether I should test the waters, or just leave well enough alone. How the hell can I be sure I’m doing the right thing?

I’m STILL not sure, even after I talked to Mom and Dad about it.

That was super weird, can’t lie. I’ve never gone to either of them for ‘relationship advice’, or whatever. But there’s a first time for everything, right?

One thing I’m really grateful for is how supportive they’ve always been of me. Much as I love complaining, my Mom and Dad are pretty awesome, as far as parents go. I know they’ll always have my back no matter what, and I’ve never really been afraid about being honest with them or asking them for advice or whatever…

But asking them for help with a guy? That was absolutely terrifying.

Mom couldn’t seem to make up her mind on what kind of advice to give me. She opened with some speech she said her grandmother gave her once, about being honest about your feelings before it’s too late? I dunno. It was all weird and sentimental (aka awkward as fuck). But I knew it meant a lot to her to pass on that advice or whatever, so I listened.

Her Oma Harper died last year, and I remember it was really, really rough for her. Mom flew out to Germany for the funeral and she was a huge mess about it. I only met Harper a handful of times, so I guess I was pretty disconnected from the whole thing… I kinda wish I’d gotten to know her a little better. Sounds like she was a pretty smart lady. Or at least, gave some decent advice.

But then after she got all the mushy crap out of the way, Mom did a total 180 on me. I got this weird lecture about how dangerous it can be when a popular guy suddenly shows interest in you. Told me it bit her in the ass pretty spectacularly back when she was around my age, and that I need to ‘be careful’. But Landon’s not like those douchebags she went to school with. He’s different… Right?

I dunno. The whole thing just left me feeling super fucking confused.

Dad’s insight was a little more optimistic, I guess. He told me all about how he was in love with Mom for years, but they lived an ocean apart. I guess they met online back when he used to do YouTube? Never knew that. Weird, but whatever.

Anyway, he had a crush for a hell of a long time, just like me. Said it took him years to finally work up the courage to confess his feelings. Waited til they met in person. And obviously it must’ve gone great since, y’know… They’re married with kids.

Or that’s what I thought.

But when I said that to Dad, he got all awkward and muttered something about how Mom ‘had a hard time with her feelings’ (why do I get the feeling she’d be fucking pissed if she knew he said that?) and that it took a little bit before they got together for real. And once they did, well, according to him, there were a few ‘bumps in the road’ that he’d ‘tell me about some other time’.

Then he told me he had some work to do and locked himself in his mixing studio.

Wow. Great. Thanks, Dad.

What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT? So… according to Mom and Dad, I should watch out for Landon because he might be a total fucking dick who’s trying to use me or something, but still be honest about my feelings so I don’t ‘live to regret it’… But also be prepared for some kind of ‘bumpy ride’ that may or may not work out okay in the end?

Ollie and Lily have been just as useless, basically.

Lily’s still living in her Hollywood fantasy world, where she’s convinced Landon’s ‘totally into me’ and that I’ve gotta make the first move… Except I’m not sure why she seems to think she’s such an expert.

Much as I’d love to believe her, I’m not sure if she’s ever said even two words to Landon in her entire life — all she’s got to go on is what I tell her about him. And you’d think someone as smart as her would know that you can’t just blindly rely on anecdotal evidence like that!

(Maybe I should be grateful though… “Operation: Get Asher Laid” is already bad enough. I shudder to think of the utter madness of Lily turning my love life into an ‘experiment’… I’d rather keep putting up with her gushing over that!)

Meanwhile Ollie’s on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. He’s being WAY more of a pessimist about this whole thing than he usually is about stuff. Any time I bring up Landon, he either gets all grumpy about it and tries changing the subject, or he goes into this bizarre lecture mode where he’s telling me it’s ‘all in my head’ and that I’m just gonna get hurt if I try pursuing this thing.

And I mean, there’s a good chance he’s right. It’s just weirdly out of character for him to be like this. Ollie’s been acting kinda strange for a while now though.

I used to just tell myself it was because he was upset and stressed-out about his dad’s wedding. But then I started thinking about it, and I realized he’s been like this even before he found out about that.

Like I said, he’s so grumpy and serious any time I mention Landon, AND he’s been way too interested in my sister lately too (Penny, not Lainey. Duh). It’s been like this since Homecoming, actually. I have no clue why, but it’s pretty damn annoying.

First-off, I don’t get why he can’t just be happy for me. Ollie’s supposed to be my best friend. Isn’t he supposed to be all ‘supportive’, or whatever? Not trying to rain on my parade every fucking chance he gets! Ollie’s the one person in the world I can trust more than anybody. He’s always been there for me before, through the good shit AND the bad. So why can’t he be there for me NOW?

To be totally honest, it kinda hurts.

Plus, I don’t understand how he can keep teasing my little sister and pretending she actually has a chance with him or something. Like I told him at Homecoming, it’s cruel to get the poor kid’s hopes up! And I know Penny — she’s not REALLY interested in Ollie anyway. She just thinks he’s hot (I mean, duh. Anyone can see that) and probably wants an excuse to rub elbows with Callie or something.

They’re not ACTUALLY interested in each other. So why keep being so obnoxious and parading it in front of my face when it doesn’t even exist?!

See what I mean now about having a lot of shit going on lately? Mostly good, but also really confusing and I just… don’t know.

At least I’ve got a little time to think about things. The varsity football team made the playoffs, so Landon’s been busy as fuck lately. We had to cut back tutoring to just Tuesdays, and now we’ve got Thanksgiving break coming up next week. Apparently that’s gonna be the weekend of the state Championship game too, according to Landon. Which, if all goes according to plan this weekend, they’ll be playing in.

I never gave a shit about football until now (okay, I still don’t, really), but I really, really hope they win. It would mean so much to Landon, and he was telling me some guys from a couple of the colleges he’s interested in are supposed to come and watch him play. This is huge for him! His entire career could basically be riding on this.

Okay, wait a minute.

I feel like I’m finally answering my own question here.

All that football shit? That’s the type of thing Landon’s really focusing on right now. And he should be. He’s just being so nice to me because he knows he’s gotta pass that dumb Math class, that’s all. This is his future that’s on the line. Who wouldn’t wanna suck up to their tutor a little bit and get on their good side?

Ollie’s probably right — I’m reading way too much into things. Is it really worth it to risk fucking shit up by telling Landon how I feel? We’re practically friends now, and I don’t wanna ruin all that by making things weird…

I’ve already been on the other side of that with Lily, and let me tell you — it SUCKS. Things were really awkward between the two of us for a while after I came out to her. And it still feels weird sometimes, knowing how she feels about me — and knowing I can’t feel the same way back. But it’s gotta suck at least ten times worse for her.

This is exactly why I never spoke up to Ollie either. It feels so long ago now… Right around the time I figured out I was gay, Landon wasn’t the only one I realized I had a crush on. But once I finally figured out how I felt, I just couldn’t tell Ollie the truth. I knew I’d risk losing one of my best friends if I did. I came way too close with Lily already.

It was hard at first, but at least I managed to get over Ollie eventually. And if I could do it with him, I can do it with Landon too, can’t I?

But what about what Mom said? About saying something before it’s too late? Won’t I regret it if I don’t say anything? I’ll admit that part of me kinda regrets not telling Ollie… but it would’ve been pointless. He’s straight. I’d know if he wasn’t.

But with Landon, I’m still not sure if he is or not. So I might actually stand a chance… right?

Fuck. I don’t know. What should I do?

Ugh, I hate this! I wish things could just be easy, for once.

But nothing ever is, is it?