Standing in line for the metal detector at a Texas airport, I am reminded of an incident about 3 weeks ago, where Transportation Security made a woman remove her nipple rings as a security measure. Which makes me rethink my decision to fly, being that I am an extremely anxious traveler, and the only way I can calm myself from having panic attacks is through the use of several “intimate” piercings and attachments. Some folks take Xanax, I happen to employ a series of studs and plugs. The thought of having to strip bear in front of strangers while a cold official inspects my Prince Albert, my Arab Strap, my Burmese Anus Wedge, my Vibrating Testicle Cage, and my belly button ring—all of which I need to stay relaxed, is just frighteningly dehumanizing. Man Texas, why can’t you just be cool like LAX Transportation Security? When me and my body trinkets come jingling down the line, the Los Angeles staff knows that I’m no more a threat to the skies than a walking dinner bell. Once we’re airborne, I’m not going to rush the cockpit; the only disturbance I’ll cause is my nut-wear clanging around like a bag of jacks as I rub one out in the crapper.

Which brings me back to the lady and her nipple rings. Now seriously Texas Transportation Security, was that breast metal really a national threat, or did you just want to see some tits on the clock? I know we’re taught not to “mess with Texas,” but where in your manual does it say terrorists sport booby steel? I enjoy swinging my gilded dick around as much as the next low-level, minimally powered employee, but these are our air rights we’re talking about, Transportation Security. You can wave that detective wand like you’re St. Peter at the pearly gates, but the second you ban pierced labia because you think there might be a pull-pin grenade jammed up there, I’m moving to Canada.