OLATHE, KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band, restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that his lifelong Aerosmith fandom is in fact the result of his early imprinting of Steven Tyler as his father figure. “Man, Steven Tyler fucking rules!” said Angelos while busily busing tables, oblivious that his underlying reason for owning a complete collection of Aerosmith albums and seeing the band live 27 times was due to his repeated exposure to the frontman’s likeness in the critical period shortly after his birth, an experience resulting in a deep subconscious filial connection to the artist that informs his tastes, behavior, and attitude toward masculinity to this day. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve been, like, their biggest follower. I don’t know what it is about them, but man, they really are something special.” Angelos added that he is also a big fan of Steven Tyler’s daughter, actress Liv Tyler, for whom he has always felt a certain brotherly affection.

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