I’m going to take the rather unusual step of asking you to not read this sports column. Yes: This is good advice anytime this column is published, but it’s particularly good advice today.

Why the warning? Well, I’m afraid that for most of you—or at least those of you who don’t live in New England—the development we’re about to discuss is so troubling, so nauseating, that, if you read it, not only are you going to become ex-readers of The Wall Street Journal, you’ll probably also become ex-humans, vaporizing into a mist of...