Shohei Ohtani has pitched in an Angels uniform. Long home runs have been hit. There have been winners and losers, and some dude wearing #93 on the back of his jersey has already had his dreams of making the Opening Day roster dashed. Baseball is back. It’s time for spring training. Here, have some baseball-flavored baseball (warning: may not contain more than 9 percent baseball).

And yet the offseason isn’t over yet. There are still enough free agents to make a solid team. Maybe not one that could contend for a World Series, which was possible about two or three weeks ago, but a solid team. This continues to be extremely embarrassing.

My job is to assign these free agents to a new team. These decisions are binding. Even if you show up in the comments and tell me that your team has the third-best prospect in baseball ready to play in the majors at that position right now, I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do to reverse these placements. Your team will just have to trade that prospect.

This is not a power that I take lightly. But it is an absolute power that must be wielded at this moment in time because, c’mon, let this stupid offseason end.

Note that I’ve decided that all of these players will be overpaid now. There are fees and penalties that apply, and teams don’t get bargains just because they waited longer than normal. These aren’t bags of Halloween candy.

To the assignments!

I’m exhausted just thinking about the Twins’ offseason. Do they have a larger plan for next offseason that involves Manny Machado or Bryce Harper? Because if they don’t, I’m not sure why they’re being so sleepily pragmatic this offseason. They’re acting like a team that won 100 games last year with a $200 million budget and long-term contracts. That isn’t to say that Logan Morrison, Jake Odorizzi, and three different relievers aren’t practical or helpful. It’s just that the Twins have the fewest long-term albatrosses in baseball, and they can afford to spend.

Look at the backend of that rotation. As of right now, it’s Kyle Gibson, Adalberto Mejia, and ... Anibal Sanchez? I get that the lineup is filled with solid hitters from top to bottom, but that trio screams 500 combined innings pitched with a 5.34 ERA, and you can see these storm clouds from a distance. Here is a Jake Arrieta-shaped umbrella. Buy it. Use it. Don’t get caught in the downpour.

Sign Jake Arrieta, you weirdos. We’ve been over this.

It was probably an omen when I spent a lot of time in December side-eying Moustakas as a free agent. I dropped a Mike Pagliarulo comp and didn’t apologize, and I finished with this:

I keep seeing people predicting upwards of five years and $80 million, but looking at Moustakas’ stats, the draft picks he’ll cost a new team, and the finances of the teams that might be interested in a new third baseman, and I’m not seeing a single one that makes sense. Every one of the possible fits comes with a huge, deal-breaking catch. Except for one.

Since then, all of the teams looking for a third baseman have found one. The Giants have Evan Longoria. The Yankees have Brandon Drury. The Mets have Todd Frazier. It’s over. The music has stopped, and there are no chairs.

Go home, Mike. They love you there. Go home. Take the insulting contract the Royals probably offered you last year at this time. There’s no shame in it. Make them put an opt-out in there, and go home.

Lance Lynn - Twins

I cannot stress enough just how annoyed the Twins’ rotation makes me. Do you know what Kyle Gibson’s ERA was in 2017? It was 5.07. Do you know what it was the year before that? It was 5.07. I have a guess as to what it will be in 2018*.

Gibson is their third starter.

They’ve already given up a draft pick for Arrieta. What’s one more?

Dammit, Twins. Getting mad again.

* 5.07

Almost went with the Twins again, but I’d like to direct my ire toward another sleepy offseason team. The Indians replaced Carlos Santana with Yonder Alonso and then went back to sleep. That’s it. That’s the offseason.

And while every team would feel blessed to have Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco, Danny Salazar, and Trevor Bauer in their organization, that’s not a quartet that would make me feel entirely secure. Salazar has battled injuries for a while now, and Bauer is less than predictable. The two guys at the top are over 30, and while that doesn’t have to mean they’re doomed, it’s just a note that I’ve seen rotations with fewer variables.

At the bottom, they’ll have Josh Tomlin or Mike Clevinger. With any luck they’ll get a prospect like Triston McKenzie or Aaron Civale ahead of schedule, or maybe Cody Anderson will come back healthy and throwing well. There is depth, here.

Except I just assigned more depth. Cobb will probably take a three-year deal at this point, and there’s a strong chance that he wouldn’t only help the Indians win more games, but that he would be the reasonable choice to start Game 3 of the 2018 ALDS over Bauer. That’s what the Indians need more than a fifth starter, and lookie here, there’s someone available in March who can fill that exact role.

The Diamondbacks didn’t do as much to improve their bullpen as the Rockies did, but they were certainly active. They traded for Brad Boxberger and signed Yoshihisa Hirano, and the two of them are expected to be seventh/eighth-inning guys.

Except Boxberger threw fewer than 30 innings in each of his last two seasons, and Hirano’s strikeout rate dropped in each of the last three years in Japan. There’s a glob of uncertainty right in the middle of their bullpen, which isn’t what a contender likes to deal with. Behind that, there might be Jorge De La Rosa and a Rule 5 pick, which is dicier on several levels.

What this is, then, is the David Hernandez trade, but made several months earlier, and with money instead of prospects. I understand the uncertainty that comes with Holland’s second half, but the whole Diamondbacks bullpen after Archie Bradley has that uncertainty.

Jonathan Lucroy - Rockies

The Rockies did sign Chris Iannetta, who posted a .254/.354/.511 line with the Diamondbacks last year, so it’s not as if they’re without a catcher. But Lucroy came over in a trade and hit .310/.429/.437 while playing solid defense and handling a pitching staff that was responsible for the team’s success.

The Rockies decided to get bullpen help with their money instead, and that’s fine. But the lineup looks to be a sneaky problem after the top of the order, just like last year, and they’re counting on Ryan McMahon at first and Iannetta behind the plate. The former is still an enigma, and the latter has had recent seasons where he contributes absolutely nothing as a hitter. Lucroy can help them hedge their bets at both positions.

Lightning round!

Neil Walker - Yankees

Tyler Wade and luxury taxes and Brandon Drury and blah blah blah, I get it. But Walker has had an OPS+ better than the league average in every full season of his career. He’s worth two or three wins every year. He would probably hit .300/.400/.500 in Yankee Stadium, and he would be hurt just enough to let Wade get some playing time.

Maybe Ben Gamel is good or maybe he isn’t, but, here, have a Jon Jay.

Sign him. Let him hit dingers. Trade him in July.

Lucas Duda - Rockies

I’m not absolutely against the idea of McMahon starting at first for the Rockies, but Duda is good for 30 homers when he isn’t playing in Coors Field. This is a marriage that should have happened in November, really.

John Lackey - Twins

At least do this much, Twins. At least do this much.

It’s not the best place for a right-hander to reestablish his value, and he’d have to be a bench bat or a platoon-mate at DH with Denard Span, but this seems like an extremely Rays move.

Not sure how many at-bats there would be for him in Texas, but as a lefty-mashing DH complement to Shin-Soo Choo and a hedge against a rookie in left field, it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world. He’s not going to get a starting gig at this point.

Mark Reynolds - Mets

I mean, sure, Adrian Gonzalez could work out. If I’m a veteran with serious medical concerns, I know the Mets are where I’d want to be. But juuuuust in case this doesn’t work out, Reynolds would be a nice player to have in reserve. He would definitely fit in with the dinger-happy theme of the offseason for the Mets.

Melky Cabrera - Giants

He’s not going to get a starting job at this point, and he would be a perfectly overqualified fourth outfielder behind Hunter Pence, who wouldn’t be a lock to keep starting if he struggles again. Plus, I already own a Melky Cabrera Giants shirsey, so I have that going for me, which is nice.

Remember the happy times?

The Giants sure do. And I’m not sure what happened after that, but it was probably fine.

And maybe I’m an anarchist, but I’m very much into the idea of Melky Cabrera being the reason the Giants edge into the luxury tax after spending all season climbing on the couches and pretending the luxury tax is hot lava.

Congratulations to all of these players, who can concentrate on baseball now. Congratulations, and you are now contractually obligated to join these teams. Don’t make me pull rank. I don’t know how I have these powers, but I clearly do, so go on, git.