Well, America, it looks like it’s our birthday. And what better way to celebrate our independence than by blowing up Chinese-imported fireworks and gorging ourselves on hot dogs, right?

For me, personally, the 4th of July is one of the best days of the year. It allows me to flaunt my unhealthy obsession with Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA with repeated overplaying, it gives me the chance to detonate more explosives than a special effects guru on a Michael Bay movie set, and it brings about what is potentially one of the weirdest, most insane “sport”ing events of the year: Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

I know what you’re thinking. Gross.

And you’re right.

But if you’re thinking about the gross-out factor that comes from watching a dude cram 69 hot dogs directly into his cram-hole in the matter of 10 minutes, then you’re not going about this the right way, people. And make no mistake about it, America, there is a right way to watch this, after all.

Here are 8 reasons you should definitely watch the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

1. 1080p, Ultra-High-Def Slow-Mo Replays of Human Beings Crushing Through hot dogs.

That’s Joey Chestnut. That’s the champ. And that is pure, unadulterated, hilarity for me. Maybe I’m a sicko. Maybe I’m a whack job. But something about watching a 30-year-old dude obliterate two hot dogs at once with his face screwed up into a mask of hideous anguish is hilarious to me.

What’s not hilarious? That’s the exact same look I had on my face as I was stress-eating my way through Team USA’s loss to Belgium on Tuesday.

I feel relatively certain that if you were to catch this buzz-saw of blitzkrieging molars on a 3-D TV your head would explode like the Death Star.

2. To Wonder Aloud, “How are all these professional eaters not fat?”

I’ve often wondered this same thing. Getting fat isn’t hard. In fact, it’s easy enough that I feel certain I’ve mastered it (*Author’s note: or at least gotten a PhD.). It defies human logic that these eaters aren’t steaming piles of morbid obesity that have to be brought onto the stage with a Jabba the Hutt sized Hoveround.

Sure, there are outliers amongst the elite at the NFHDEC, such as my personal favorite Eric “Badlands” Booker (*Author’s note: pictured below) but on the whole they largely resemble scrawny hipsters or pseudo-athletes.

So if these guys who literally eat to pay the bills aren’t fat, maybe there’s hope for me? What this piece of the NFHDEC tells me is that I can eat my way to a better body. Thanks, Nathan’s, for helping me see the light. Bring on the hot dogs and Coors Light. I’m ready to shed some pounds.

3. The Nicknames

“Badlands”, “The Black Widow”, “Jaws”, “Eater X”, “Crazy Legs”, and “Mega Toad” just to name a few.

They all sound like they belong in a straight-to-DVD sequel to Con Air.

(*Author’s note: how hasn’t a sequel to Con Air happened yet? It has all the key elements of a Nicolas Cage movie. 1) It shouldn’t be made 2) It would allow Cage to run from stuff while it blew up and 3) Those are literally all the elements of a Nicolas Cage movie.)

Giving these guys and girls nicknames makes them seem badass. It makes a dude who travels the country eating 6 pounds of Spam in 10 minutes seem like he’s less of a freak. Kind of.

4. Eater X

Does this eater’s moniker sound like a mean nickname for an old boyfriend or girlfriend that’s packed on a few pounds since you’ve last seen them? Absolutely. Is it actually a white dude who puts on face paint to make himself into the Tech N9ne of food competitions? Yup.

5. Because Here’s the Official Schedule of Events for the Day

And here’s what the schedule for the day should look like:

Seriously, can you imagine what it’s like post-69 hot dogs? It’s got to be like a human version of the Chernobyl disaster. How would you like to be on the same Subway car as a recently-finished-pounding-9 lbs.-of-hot-dog Badlands Booker? Forget having the actual contest on the air, I want to see the post-game reaction. I’m not talking about ESPN analysts in to break it down and shout angrily over one another, I mean their reaction to exploding their stomachs more than the crew from Alien.

6. To Watch Your Vegan Friends’ Heads Implode Like a Dying Star

“All that meat! All those innocent animals! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” – The last words you may ever hear from your undoubtedly mustachioed and/or corduroyed friend.

7. You Know Those Girls That Only Seem to Eat 3 Leaves of Their All-Kale Salad Because They’re Worried About How They’ll Fit in the Frame of Their selfies on Instagram? Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas Could Literally Devour Them in One Sitting.

While she’s never been able to hang with the elitest of the elite on the male side of the NFHDEC, “The Black Widow” is undoubtedly the HBIC (*Author’s note: Hot dogs and Buns InCinerator) in charge of the women’s contest.

8. The Best Pause-Facing in “Sports”

Don’t know what pause-facing is? It’s the art (*Author’s note: yes, I said art.) of pausing your T.V. during a show/event and catching someone pulling a completely ridiculous face. Hall of Fame inductees include Arnold Schwarzennegger, Carson Daly, and the aforementioned Nicolas Cage.

But if you think those geniuses of GIF-dom and Pause-Face Mount Rushmore possibilities have a good pause-face, wait until you see a human being try to cram 26 hot dogs into their mouth in the first 2 and a half minutes of a contest. You get faces like this:

And this:

So let’s all sit back, get the ketchup, and enjoy ourselves some hot dog eating contest. Happy Birthday America. Happy Birthday to us all. Don’t forget the remote for some Pause-Facing supremacy.

FIN