The premiere night is always a little tricky. There is so much buildup and anticipation that you can sometimes feel a bit let down. I think this will be a great season, but the first night left me wanting more. I suppose that is the goal of any tv show. This year ABC basically broke the show up into 3 parts. Let’s discuss

The first hour we could have obviously done without. For some reason Chris Harrison and friends put on a red carpet event that showcased many of the past “winners”, lots of losers, and fans of the show. I had some trouble distinguishing between the 3. Just kidding Clare, you’ll always be my winner. Chris made sure to flag down the likes of of Sean and Catherine, and Andi and Josh so we could hear about how boring they are. Same with Marcus and Lacy. If you remember back on bachelor in paradise Lacy at one point said she was leaning 80/40 on a guy. She tried making a quick joke about this while talking to Chris and he either didn’t care or didn’t get it because it was awkward as fuck. This might be the last time Lacy is brought up before she fades into obscurity so here is one last picture:

The red carpet event ended with Chris talking to Nikki for approximately 5 hours. She was there sans Juan Pablo. Nikki is hot:

And probably a little crazy. In all honesty I thought she came off pretty well. Chris asked her what happened with Juan Pablo about 15 different ways, secretly (or outwardly) hoping she would trash him. Alas, it was not meant to be. And thus endith Act I

We now turn our attention to Chris Soules:

Don’t say I never do anything for you ladies.

We get to watch the awkward transformation from farm boy into city boy. It’s pretty much the opposite of City Slickers. Only If they decided to be farmers instead of cowboys:

Is Billy Crystal still relevant?

Let’s fast forward to the limos. That’s all we really care about, right? The girls pile out one by one doing their awkward intros. Britt is first out and gives Chris the longest hug I’ve ever seen. It looked like one of those .gifs that are endless and repeat forever. I’m pretty sure that hug lasted longer than Chris will in the fantasy suite later this season. I’m pretty sure that hug lasted longer than Nikki and Juan Pablo’s “relationship.” I’m pretty sure that hug lasted longer than….you get the idea.

Then we have Amanda. In her little intro thing she said she lives at home because she doesn’t like having bills. Amanda isn’t ready for a bill from AEP but she’s ready to settle down and have a family. Good luck with that.

I won’t hit all of the intros because “Hi I’m ________, I’m super nervous. Are you nervous?” isn’t always note worthy… unless you tell the bachelor he can plow your field anytime. Kaitlyn has been saving that one since Andi booted Chris back to the farm. Kaitlyn looks innocent:

right? But she’s not. This girl is DTF and most likely to have the house turn on her.

The bachelor did something a little different this year with how many ladies they introduced. After the first 15 Harrison comes out and chats with bach Chris (I can’t do this Chris and Chris thing. Do I just refer to them by last name? Do we give them nicknames? Suggestions welcome) about how amazing the ladies are so far. Bach Chris (I mean Harrison isn’t married anymore. Bach Chris could mean Chris Harrison) mentions heading on in to talk to them. Host Chris says you can do what you want so Chris heads in and starts getting to know his future ex wife. After a while more limos start pulling up and Chris heads out to greet them. This breaks format and allows the first 15 in the house watch and judge each of the next 15. Everyone watching quickly saw the us vs them mentality that formed. I wouldn’t call it a twist, but an interesting maneuver in a tried and true formula to say the least. Production also shifted their focus to the reactions of the girls in the house instead of the one’s getting out of the limo’s (a move i didn’t particularly care for). There were more props and more sparkly dresses but it didn’t feel the same.

Nicole thought it would be a good idea to wear a pig nose because Chris lives on a farm, I guess. Here she is:

There are a group of Washington Redskins fans that are called the hogs and are famous for dressing up as one. This is the only thing I could think of when she did that:

Rule number 14 of limo intros (limtros? Can we make that a thing?): Don’t bring a prop that reminds people of middle aged fat guys.

A girl rode in on a motorcycle. One brought a fake heart. No reason to cap them all but pretty standard stuff.

First impression rose time came and everyone was super nervous. Not surprisingly super hugger Britt ended up with it. Then they decided to skip hugs and go straight for the kiss. Looks like she is sticking around for a while.

Cocktail party was pretty typical as usual. Girls again tried to get his attention by doing something stupid, drinking too much (Tara), flexing (do not fuck with Jillian), whining around about no one on one time, etc.

Rose ceremony started off pretty standard. Girls being “so relieved” while others had looks of being forever alone:

Until Tara started swaying back and forth on the top rafter. Do they do that on purpose? Put the drunkest girl at the top? I think they do. Tara looked like she was going to pass out any second. She tap danced up there better than my good friend Butters when he killed all those people. Poor Butters:

Half way through the ceremony Chris paused and then slowly walked away. He talks to our gracious host about Tara and my conspiracy meter spikes. He says he’s having a hard time choosing a girl because of how drunk she is. You either choose her or you don’t. Why do you need to tell Chris Harrison? Were you forced to pick her and we didn’t see you pleading withe the producers that she needs to go? It just seemed fishy to me. Or maybe Chris is attracted to hillbillies that can’t hold their booze. I hope ABC plans a date where they go huntin and mud runnin.

So we then took a moment, said our goodbyes, and hit the road. Except for Kimberly. She wasn’t having it and stormed back in the house after doing her exit interview. We’ll have to see where this ends up next week. Kimberly is actually much better looking than quite a few of the girls he kept so let’s hope she somehow stays.

Some random thoughts. Megan is super dumb and fits the dumb blonde stereo type perfectly. I liked Britt even though she might have been a tad over bearing. The girl that thought there was an onion hanging from a tree is absolutely nuts and is most likely to be involved in a homicide. She is a different kind of crazy. If they go to someplace like Mexico I don’t even think the cartels would mess with her. Ashley I is still my favorite. If you were to ask me to picture what a plus size model would look like before Monday night, I think it would have been an exact replica of Bo.

And to all those that didn’t receive roses:

Except Kimberly. We don’t know your status yet.

See you next week.

-Nick