ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local agency person has lashed out at everyone, including homeowners, for making houses so unaffordable for young people – despite spending nearly $2000 on a new mobile phone this morning.

Damien Longhurst works at a boutique, bespoke and creative agency in Betoota’s Old City district. He does something on a computer and makes life difficult for copywriters and anybody vaguely removed from the creative process.

But he feels that he deserves to own a home in a part of town that he feels he deserves to live.

“Yeah sure, I could buy in Betoota Plains or Buttville on the edge of town, but I have designer reading glasses I don’t really need and make an impact on the world through my extensive work as an account person,” he said.

“I want to make an investment but I just can’t afford to save up a deposit. Life has gotten so much more expensive than it used to be in my parent’s day,”

“It’s just not fair.”

However, Longhurst’s 61-year-old manager has other ideas.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate, Singh Johnleton [a local advertising demi god] said that people such as Damien were ‘part of the reason why Donald Trump’ won and the ‘world is going to hell in a handcart.’

“I’ve got news for that cunt,” he said.

“When I was his age, I saved and worked. Saved and worked. I fucking earned it,” said Johnleton.

“It boils my blood when you’ve got these four-eyed computer jockeys complaining about how much of a cunt their life is. Well guess what, mine was a cunt as well until I got lucky,”

“Fuck me, this entire conversation has got my blood pressure through the roof. Fuck!”

Mr Johnleton then told us to leave his office while he sufficiently composed himself to walk out and fire Longhurst on the spot.

“I’ll pay the unfair dismissal settlement, I just want him out of here.”

More to come.