Problem 2: I can’t ride a bike

People look appalled when I tell them I can’t ride a bike. I just never learned. I had one when I was 8 or something, and I remember it vividly. It was a lurid shade of pink with white trim and had the word “TULIP” on the frame surrounded by flowers (that’s what little girls like, right?). I don’t remember who got it for me, but I remember it had stabilisers on it, which were removed a grand total of once. I lived in a flat on a council estate in south london, and didn’t really have anywhere to ride it even if i had been interested in doing so – I took it out a few times, but dragging it down three flights of stairs just to ride around in circles in the car park really wasn’t my idea of fun.

One time I took it to my gran’s house at a family gathering and ALMOST had that iconic childhood moment when the stabilisers are taken off your bike and you have an adult pushing it behind you shouting encouragement and suddenly you’re riding it alone and feel the wind in your hair and you’re some kind of superhero with the power to move your feet independently in a roughly vertical circular motion to propel yourself forwards at 8mph. Except I fell off and ripped half the skin off my leg, and then refused to get back on the thing ever again.

When I was about 13 I went to a local park with my uncle, who hired me a bike and told me to get on with it. I managed to go in a straight line, but the art of turning eluded me. I was ecstatically happy about my progress though. Then my couple of hours were up and I never gave it a second thought.

So anyway, back to the present. I retrieved “my” bike from the racks after my lab, with no small amount of relief that it was still there in one piece, and was possessed by the urge to try and ride it at least some of the way home. How hard could it be, right? I wheeled it over to the cycle path, which was blissfully empty of other people – I had no special desire to let anybody else see me fall on my arse, and had a go. My friend and I are of a similar height (I’m slightly taller) so I judged the seat was probably in a decent position, and tried to just sit-stand on it while stationary. I was more or less sitting on it while standing on tiptoes, which is a lot less comfortable and stable than it sounds, but I vaguely remembered you’re not supposed to be able to put your feet flat on the ground when standing over the thing.

I tried to shove myself forwards a bit with my toes. Not even half as easy as it sounds. I had a backpack on with my laptop and various other crap in it, and had shoved my labcoat, notebook, lock, chain and helmet in the pannier so the bike itself was not exactly perfectly balanced. I still managed it, helped in part by the fact that going down the cycle path back into the residential areas from campus is pretty much entirely downhill, so there was some forward momentum happening anyway – thank you, physics. After stopping and starting doing this for a bit, I tried to put my feet on the pedals. Instant balance failure. Try again. Pedal two meters, balance failure. Repeat a few times, and suddenly I found myself pedaling downhill at an alarming speed. Found the brakes, gently squeezed, wobbled a bit and came to what felt like a graceful stop. Decided that if I was seriously going to try and ride the fucking thing, I should probably put the helmet on to give myself some illusion of safety.

Once safely helmeted, I got back on and was off again, tearing down the path at some ludicrous speed. It was about this point that I started having a panic attack, and in this state decided to start fiddling with what I deduced were the gears. Pulled a lever, and suddenly I’m going significantly faster, pedaling is doing nothing and I can feel my heartbeat in every part of my body. Pulled and pushed as many levers as I could reach, and I’ve slowed down again, and now I’m gently squeezing the brakes to regain some sense of control. I had the distinct impression that if I stopped I wouldn’t be able to get going again, and furthermore if I stopped I’d fall off. I’m now dripping with sweat, whether from physical exertion or panic I have no idea.

I made it almost to the end of the cycle path, collecting flies on my glasses and with an itch on my nose I couldn’t scratch, when suddenly, DOG WALKERS. Shit. Wobble, wobble, BRAKE. STOP. I only NEARLY ran over the baffled looking spaniel. I explained to the owner that this was my first time on a bike in over ten years, and I had no fucking idea what I was doing. She laughed, in a nice way, and wished me luck. Took off my glasses, wiped the bugs off them and shoved them in my bag, and got going again, wobblier than before. I made it all the way back into the residential area and onto the road, which initially looked quiet, and suddenly CARS. Fuck. After accidentally cutting up some poor bloke in a Volvo trying to pull into a sideroad, I decided that maybe I wasn’t ready for roads yet, got off and wheeled it along the pavement. Coincidentally, this was just round the corner from the friend’s house I’d picked up the bike from in the first place, so I rang and asked for the kettle to be put on. A pint of tea later my heartrate had gone back to something approaching normal and I felt able to speak of my ordeal. I may have been laughed at.

Some time later I feel able to depart, intending to just wheel it home. It’s dark by now and the roads are empty… Screw it, I’ll have another go. I’m feeling perhaps a little reckless still, the bike has no lights and the helmet is in one of my bags. Get back on, and as soon as my arse hits the seat pain shoots through my entire arse/crotch/thigh area. Fuck. Ouch. I grit my teeth and try again, and manage to get going, but stop and get off when I hit the main road, and not two seconds later some seventeen year old in a VW Golf comes tearing round the corner at 55mph. Awed at my ability to make a good decision, I elect to just wheel it the rest of the way home.

Injuries Sustained During This Episode:

sore thighs

achey arse

bruised and sore labia majora

sore clitoris

bruises down the back of my calves from being hit by the pedals while wheeling the bike beside me

dented pride

Day 1 Verdict:

Moderate success.