“There are ways to customize a workout routine if you’re looking to tone up areas that may be highlighted in your particular style of wedding gown, whether you are aiming to maintain, lose or gain weight.”—The New York Times.

What’s really crazy about wedding dresses—and all clothes, when you think about it—is that your body has to fit into them (sometimes through them, like those cutout-shoulder sweaters, but mostly in). Here’s how to flex and squeeze your bod until it fits into any wedding-dress shape.

Ball Gown

This one’s easy—it’s ball-shaped. Only eat round foods during the 3.14 months before your big day, and make sure to sign up for the Daily Rotation. It’s a thirty-seven-dollar boutique exercise class, but it’s worth it. You spin around in circles until you fall over onto a squishy mat. Smoothes out your edges in no time.

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A-Line

This one’s hard. First, you need to lean your body to the right and stick out your right leg at a ninety-degree angle. Then—quick!—hop to the right and lean to the left, sticking your left leg out at a ninety-degree angle. If you move fast enough, you’ll fit into that A-line eventually. You’d think this would be accompanied by an A-foods-only diet, but, no, it’s just artichokes. Steamed.

Trumpet

So many squelts. (That’s a squat while eating a sour belt.)

Mermaid/Fit-and-Flare

In the seventy-five days before the wedding, eat only lobster, teeth first, like Daryl Hannah does in “Splash.” Burn off all that butter by swimming in the East River until mysterious bacteria get into your gut and doctors can’t diagnose it until after you already fit in the dress.

Sheath/Column

Tree pose, seventeen hours a day.

Strapless

Every day for eight months, you need to massage your flesh, starting with the hands, up the arms, and then down the chest, pushing all the fat below the boob line, up to which the dress will cover your body. You’re training the fat to go where it will not be seen, like when you sweep dust under a rug.

Open/Low-Back

We’ll let you in on a little secret. There’s an airbrush artist named Norbert on the boardwalk, and he’ll spray on some back muscles in exchange for fifty bucks and a mango Juul cartridge. It’s that or lat pulls, and those are hard.

High Slit or Minidress

For a high slit, you’re going to need to do fifty lunges a day, but here’s some good news—you only need to do the leg that will be exposed. Give leftie a rest! Her time will come when you break your right leg while skiing on your honeymoon, in the Alps. Minidresses are for children.

Plunging Neckline

A daily regimen of cleavage yoga should just about do it. Put a pencil in between your breasts and practice signing your name with it. By the time you can write it in cursive, the dress will burst right off, Hulk style! Which is what you wanted, right?

Rhombus

We get it, avant-garde is in. And here’s the thing: amorphous rhombus dresses require no diet, exercise, or body-shame-targeted treatments. As long as you can figure out which hole to put your head through, you’ll look great.