These quotes -- Dayton Moore about signing immortals Jeff Francoeur and Melky Cabrera -- are, as one wag noted, comedy gold:

"We feel really, really good about what we did to improve our outfield situation. Melky Cabrera broke into the major leagues at 21. I think he played 101 games in center field in 2009 and if memory serves me right, he was on the field playing center field when the Yankees won the championship in 2009."

"We targeted Jeff and Melky months ago as players we felt were not even at the prime of their careers yet, haven't peaked. There's upside there. Guys who were going to play with energy, guys who were going to be enthusiastic."

"We'll probably have more homegrown players in spring training than anybody in baseball. I'm anticipating we will. So this fits with what we're trying to do. One-year contracts that fit the salary structure of our organization. They're the perfect type of guys for us vs. someone who's 29 to 33 who's on the downside of their career."

"[Cabrera] just wasn't as productive as the year before. He's motivated. He's very capable of having a bounceback year, as is Jeff Francoeur."

Dayton. Moore. Does. Not. Get. It.

I thought maybe, just maybe, Moore's plan was to platoon Cabrera and Francoeur in right field, with speedy on-base man Gregor Blanco manning center.

Apparently not. Because it's just so terribly important to get Cabrera's and Francoeur's "bats" into the lineup every day.

The only positive here is that they're just one-year contracts. Among the negatives -- and please don't make me count them -- is that the Royals really don't have any hot young outfielders in their farm system. So if Cabrera or Francoeur do anything at all next season, Moore will probably lock them up for another year. Or two. Or three.

I'm too old to cry, but it hurts too much to laugh.