“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” - Mary Oliver

I felt a tingling and slight pressure in my chest.

Deep breath.

Breathe in the sound.

As I stared into the darkness behind my eyes for 39 minutes, Bon Iver took me away.

Yesterday, I attended a Pitchblack Playback session at the Dolby Screening Room in Midtown Manhattan. During this session, the audience sits in the dark, blindfolded (to ensure complete darkness), while an album plays from front to back through surround sound speakers. Yesterday’s album of choice was Bon Iver’s self-titled album, Bon Iver. The streaming service used was Qobuz (the worldwide leader in 24-bit Hi-Res Downloads).

Through the first five minutes of the album, my anxiety rose. I had felt similar sensations while listening to music, but in pitch darkness, these sensations became my focus:

Waves of tingles running through my fingers and forearms, then into my chest

Colors and shapes behind my eyelids shifting with new tones

The bass blending into my heartbeat

Once I began to accept that this state would be my new reality for the next half hour, I leaned into it and relaxed (I should mention that there are two exit signs dimly lit, hence the blindfold, should you feel like you need to exit at any point).

When I meditate with Sam Harris’ app Waking Up, Sam gives a couple of cues that I utilized during the Pitchback Playback Session. These cues are:

Stare into the darkness behind your eyes

Breathe in your reality, then breathe it out

While Bon Iver ran through my body, I stared into the darkness behind my eyes, like I would a horizon with my eyes open. I glimpsed oranges and red. Discs began to form and move with the music.

Instead of breathing in my reality, I gave myself the cue to breathe in the sound.

I don’t say this metaphorically.

I was literally trying to breathe in the sounds I was hearing, as if the waves were streaming from the speakers, through my nostrils, then back out.

This action made me feel like I was becoming the music.

At points, the sounds I heard made me think of people in my life, and their images appeared superimposed on the darkness. I didn’t see them as photographs. Close your eyes and imagine a candle flickering (Another cue from Waking Up). It’s in front of the darkness and feels like you’re grasping at it. That’s how the people in my life appeared. I saw my brothers, my Mom, a friend who had taken his life, and some past lovers.

I should note that I did not feel a constant connection to the music.

My thoughts drifted to tasks that I needed to complete, conversations that needed to be had, and the other daily bullshit that cannot be completed in the present moment.

I treated this listening experience as a meditation.

When my thoughts drifted outside of the music, I didn’t beat myself up. I recognized the drift and calmly redirected my attention back to Bon Iver.

Also, I do not attribute my initial sensations of anxiety to the music. I struggle with anxiety and have a history of panic attacks. Some of the sensations I felt listening to Bon Iver felt like a crossover to the sensations I feel when anxious.

In the darkness, my hyperfocus on bodily sensations led to some anxiety, but as I said, I was able to fully relax after a few minutes. If you don’t struggle with anxiety, you most likely have nothing to worry about.

In the room, 75 people sat blindfolded listening to Bon Iver and left with 75 different experiences.

How you walk away from the room is up to you.

Bon Iver and Qobuz set the stage with beauty, and you decide how to interpret it.

Maybe it was bliss.

Maybe, at points, it was unpleasant.

Maybe your mind was distracted with other things.

Perhaps, it was a combination.

I loved this experience, even the initial anxiety, and will go again to Pitchback Playback. I worked through a feeling that two years ago would have caused me to walk out. Then, the anxiety morphed into excitement, warmth, some sadness, and presence.

I think listening to music in the dark may also be a useful supplement to meditation:

How long can you stay immersed in the music?

Can you drop everything and just be?

What are those first moments like when you realize that you’ve become distracted?

I’ll use what I learned through Pitchback Playback and implement it into my routine, and I look forward to sitting through the next session.

Thank you, Bon Iver and Qobuz.

Much Love,

Zach