Nefer Nightbug 2016/11/09 (Wed) 18:30 No. 192404 NAUGHT BUT A WEEK AGO, one Cirno Crocker attacked the Tengu High Council under the pretense of defending the honor of one Ran Yakumo. The powerful Manipulator of Rhyme was extremely pissed off at demands to make the newspaper more lewd (like the now-defunct Bunbunmaru.) Obviously, there was an instant throwdown, with seven of the nine ending up in a block of ice (our Great Tengu fled to fetch our former leader, and the really lucky one actually took out the ringleader’s right-hand woman.) Mizako Otane and Himikawo Yatsume died in the skirmish that day, while the five impostors were brought out to trial. (The kitsune Kala Aito admitted guilt and accepted banishment underground in exchange for revealing the location of the corpses of the missing tengu.) The others, including a lecherous, incestous kitsune claiming to be Ran’s father, were all put to death, but two broke out before they could be exterminated.





The kitsune illusionist Kai Asuka, one of the tengu impostors, had slipped his bonds and headed towards Eientei. He was later found with copious amounts of the dangerous poison known as Anti-Hourai, planning to poison half the waterways in Gensokyo. An elite team of specialists, including Youmu, Reimu, Marisa, and Mamizou, were dispatched to deal with the bioterrorist. He was killed by Fantasy Heaven. (Reimu was later seen headed to Makai with two chain guns and all the Anti-Hourai.)









YET ANOTHER TRAVESTY HAS OCCURRED in the campaign against the giant hermaphroditic, sexually parasitic, omnisexual, rapist lolicon electric catfish Primeus. In addition to the kidnapping of Kanako Yasaka, he has now taken a second new victim in a single day. The capture of Shikieki, Yamaxanadu by this vile perverted piscine fiend is sure to greatly worsen the backlog of souls on Komatchi Onozuka’s plate; given the ferrywoman and only other full-time employee of the Ministry of Right and Wrong has fallen into serious depression and seized the mantle of the Yamas in her despair, the people of Gensokyo send her our deepest condolences.





Because Komatchi has abandoned her post as ferrywoman, no souls have been able to cross the River Sanzu. Komatchi is offering temporary part-time jobs to ferry souls at 100,000 [P] an hour. She is also seeking someone by the name of Yvetal (no last name given) and is willing to shell out a trillion [P] for any information on his/her location. (She’s offering a little something… extra for those that bring this Yvetal to her, and speculation outright states that she’ll swing both ways.The verdict’s still out on if this also means marriage or not.)









HINA, THE GODDESS OF FORTUNE, has recently been making truly absurd amounts of faith, in part thanks to the ever-present threat of Primeus in a world filled with girls. Hina, herself, claims she has a backlog to rival Komatchi’s. She has offered her services to repel both the catfish and the omnipresent fluffles.





Meanwhile, Toyosatomimi no Miko is again squaring off against Byakuren Hijiri over matters of the catfish. Both call for its death, but Byakuren appears to be calling it a crusade or a struggle (trying to appeal to the small Muslim fairy sect and the SDM staff) while Miko is trying to reign in support from the youkai. It's anyone's guess as to what's pushing the Taoists to work with youkai.





With the mad sexual rampage of the giant catfish comes far too many offspring. The amount of fairies it has repeatedly raped and/or seduced (let alone Daiyousei, who our field reporter Wakasagihime claims is “so pregnant that her womb must be taking up a sizeable amount of gap space, let alone space in this tiny little cavern.” That's a lot of eggs) is staggering. Given that everything it screws gives birth to an egg within the hour, it's safe to say that the mermaid city of R'lyeh, at the bottom of Misty Lake, is suffering from overpopulation. Already, one can see a few submerged skyscrapers beneath the surface.





Compounding matters is the sheer amount of Bonéka it mates with on a daily basis, which produces exponentially more Magikarp.









THANKS TO THE EFFECTS OF WAR AND DESPAIR, the dastardly little troublemakers known collectively as “fluffles” have been pushed from Makai and Higan, respectively. Komatchi isn't really happy after driving them out, and has actually expressed a little regret for doing so to the huggable dust wombats.









THANKS TO THE EFFORTS OF REIMU HAKUREI on the battlefield of Makai, the tide of war has been changed. As a matter of fact, the war has gone from an inevitable military defeat to basically an even battle. Our field reporter, ShinGoku, has this to say on the matter:

“I used to be a friend of that fallen seraphim, Sariel. I was there when a terrible void spoke to her, offered her infinite power and vengeance. I was there to chronicle her obsession with an unknown force called the ‘Cybers’ and her interactions with this ‘azure’ goddess. I was there when she channeled the void and waged war against her own daughter, Lady Shinki. I know what terrible ruin her powers make. If she could get to the fortress-city of Pandæmonium, she could make it cease to exist in this universe. Reimu… Reimu is basically a godsend. My only concern now is friendly fire, since Anti-Hourai is basically THE instant-kill poison, with no known cure.”

Well, thanks for the information.









ACE INFORMANT AND MIKAMI SHRINE MAIDEN AYA, our chief correspondent on news in the Outside World, has recently reported that a mysterious cyborg has been spotted in the tender loving embrace of one Chiyuri Kitashirakawa.









JUST ONE DAY AGO, a colossal swirling vortex-portal-gap thing tore asunder a rather large gash in the fabric of reality at 2 AM above the Scarlet Devil Mansion with the sound of a billion voices all saying “wop” in unison. Sadly, because of all the other incidents, we have not been able to organize any sort of exploration team. As such, any Trainer bearing the Frog Badge (obtained by defeating Suwako, required to use HM03:Fly) is allowed to bring twelve Bonéka with them into the portal. Already, seven people have disappeared into the depths.









A WAR IS RAGING IN THE NETHERWORLD. Roxas and Youmu Konpaku have gone on a small war campaign against the Ayakashi. The wretched Sakura Bonéka is protecting itself with a horde of Spirits and is being relatively successful in doing so.

(You get the feeling that there is more to this article, and actually scroll down.)

Some angels tried to get in the battle, but a nasty trap was sprung and Yuyuko is now out of commission.









SOME LOYAL FAIRIES OF EIENTEI have been spotted heading in disguise to the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Opinion states that they are probably going to bust the vengeful divine spirit terrorist Junko out of her imprisonment.

