My family love to sing. None of us are particularly good at singing; in fact a few of us would struggle to carry a tune in a plastic bag but we sing.

We sing to babies. Old Scottish songs like Coulter’s Candy. It’s a fact that no-one sings this song as well as your mum. It’s also a fact that when your mum has gone this song will make you cry.

Right, I’m better now.

We also sing

Skinny Malinky Long Legs Big Banana Feet

Went tae the pictures and couldnae find a seat

When the picture started Skinny malinky farted

Skinny malinky long legs Big Banana Feet

The first time my mother-in-law heard me sing this to Wee Yin she was horrified. “Arran, we don’t say farted we say pumped” Err, two things. First of all “pumped” doesn’t rhyme, and second of all where I’m from “pumped” means “had sex with” and I know which one I’d prefer in the song.

My favourite song to sing to babies and kids is an old Scottish song from the Blitz. My granny sang it to my mum, my mum and all my aunties sang it to their kids, and now we all sing it to our kids. I sing it to my little English nieces and feel like I’m keeping an Oral History going.

In ma wee gas mask Ah’m working oot a plan

Aw the weans think Ah’m a big bogey man

The girls all come and bring their friends to see

The finest looking warden in the ARP

Whenever there’s a raid on listen to my cry

An airyplane, an airyplane way up a kye

If I run helter skelter don’t run efter me

You’ll no get in ma shelter cause it’s far too wee.

We also sing at parties. We’ll all be sitting round and then a maudlin uncle will start singing, “My Old Kentucky Home” despite the fact he was born and bred on the South Side of Glasgow. We all have our little party pieces that we have to sing. We are not allowed to change them and we are not allowed to steal anyone else’s song. Mine is the classic Hurricane Smith (exactly) song, “What Would You Say”

We never said that the party pieces had to be appropriate. I have no idea who decided that I was to learn and sing that song but every year I trot it out, and every year it gets more and more elaborate with actions and mimes and everything. I think my generation of the family got fed up with everyone crying during the songs so we just go for the comedy value.

We also sing at karaoke. Japan was brilliant for that. When The Mad Aunties came to Tokyo we took them to a Karaoke bar over their loud protests. “Aw hen I’ll no be daein any ae that singin malarky”. Two vodka and tonics later and the two of them were up on the stage giving it laldy and belting out “We Are Family”.

We sing in the house. I was editing some video from when Wee Yin was a baby and in nearly every clip either C or myself is singing to make her laugh (you remember the part about us not being able to sing? Works on some things).

This morning I went in to wake Wee Yin from school. She was already awake so I stood outside her room listening to her singing. At first it was some JLS song but then she started singing some of the songs we sing around the house and the songs that I have taught her. Watching her get ready for school and singing old songs I realised how quickly she is growing up but I was pleased that she is bringing some of the past along with her.

Holiday Box

Enjoy.