To cure the case of Mondays, imagine Varric Tethras walking into the Hawke Estate. In search for his friend, he walks in on the love interest, naked and posing seductively for the Champion’s arrival. Both obviously expecting Hawke, their eyes meet in awkward horror.

***

Varric: Look, Blondie, I know mage freedom is a high priority, but if you’re gonna make things work with Hawke, you might want to invest in personal grooming. I know this great shop…

Anders: Get. Out.

***

Varric: …Elf.

Fenris: Varric…

Varric: …Not gonna lie, I WAS curious how far those markings went.

Fenris: You saw the opportunity to make this more awkward, and you took it.

***

Varric: Hey, Rivainni, what’s going on?

Isabela: Oh, nothing new. Just…

Varric: Hanging out?

Isabela: Boo. That was too easy.

Varric: Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.

Isabela: And me with only one dagger. How embarrassing.

***

Merrill: You must think I’m very silly.

Varric: Never, Daisy. We just need to bring some accentuating light in here. You want Hawke to actually see you, right?

Merrill: But what if someone else looks out a window?

Varric: On the second floor, I think you only have to worry about birds crashing on the glass.

***

Sebastian: Oh! Um…hello, Varric. Fancy meeting you here.

Varric: By the Maker, I will never be clean again.