Clusterfuck Nation

Now appearing Mondays and Fridays

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One way or another, I’m gonna find you

I’m gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya

— Blondie

Perhaps the presidency has been an overly solemn office since, oh, the days of Millard Fillmore, the dreary weight of all that mortal responsibility — slavery, war, more war, depression, yet more war, nukes, we shall overcome, terror, Lehman Brothers, Ferguson, Russia here, there, and everywhere…uccchhh….

And so, at last: a little comic relief. I mean, imagine Grover Cleveland putting the choke-slam on Thomas Nast. Dwight Eisenhower punching out Edward R. Murrow. Jack Kennedy applying the Macumba Death Grip to Walter Lippman. Nahhhh. But Donald (“The Golden Golem of Greatness”) Trump versus CNN! Now that’s a matchup worthy of the WWF Hall of Fame. I just kind of wish the big fella had gone all the way and put in Anderson Cooper’s mug instead of the CNN logo box. Make it truly up front and personal since, let’s face it, Andy has been the most visible conduit of Jeff Zucker’s animadversions.

At least The New York Times seemed to take the prank in stride, calling it, “an unorthodox way for a sitting president to express himself.” Well, yes! Nicely put. They didn’t call for the Commander-in-Chief to be stripped down to his silk small-clothes and be run through a gantlet of aggrieved trannies. Well, I dunno, maybe that’s next….

But who says a president has to merely sit behind a desk and utter platitudes about bringing us together? Nobody really falls for that anymore. But a body-slam — whoa, now that’s some change you can believe in! At least the GGOG didn’t send in some NSA black box contractors to smoke the CNN board of directors and that miserable fucker Zucker — though it does lead one to wonder how Mr. Trump intends to orchestrate his upcoming confab with Vlad (“The Impaler”) Putin. I’d like to see the president at least put on a cape for that one.

I suppose Mr. Trump was reacting to the fire-hose of objurgation aimed at him over the weekend on CNN by Carl Bernstein, reporter extraordinaire of Watergate fame, who referred to Trump’s sojourn in the Oval Office as “a malignant presidency.” Isn’t comparing a person to cancer about as low as you can go? (You talkin’ to me???) That should technically entitle Mr. Trump to an inverted stomp face-breaker followed by a fall-away moonsault slam, topped off by a final gorilla drop. Hell, get the referee to sit on Bernstein’s face for the count.

Bernstein went a little further, even, into the dark slough of disrespect, intimating that all the occult powers of the Deep State should be mobilized to remove the golden tumor from America’s body politic:

“That malignancy is known to the military leaders of the country, it’s known to the Republican leadership in Congress who recognize it, and it’s known to the intelligence community…. This president is not in control of the presidency in a way that it is functioning. That has got our leaders worried, they are worried about his character, they are worried about his temperament,” Bernstein said. “We are in foreign territory. We have never been in a malignant presidency like this before.”

Perhaps Mr. Bernstein is just the messenger appointed by the Deep State to flop it all out on the table, so to speak, like so much Fourth of July pulled smoked pork: You’ve gone too far, you suppurating mass of rogue protoplasm! We’re coming to get ya now, with the deadliest move of all: the 25th amendment. Let Mike Pence be the reincarnation of Herbert Hoover. This shit is not funny anymore.

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