So after last year’s fiasco, I finally made it back for the full fair this time around, and as a man of exquisite musical taste, it’s only right that I impart my so-right-it’s-almost-fact opinion upon you all.

I saw some great shit this weekend. My aim was to catch at least one act per district, and I succeeded on all counts except Oldtown, which I’m more than a little gutted about. I’ll attach one video per district, representing my personal highlight.

First up, props to the usually unsung logistics team for making the entrance to the festival so smooth. I knew this would be a top priority after last year, but I didn’t expect to just hike straight in. My lift Andy dropped me at the side of the A31, and I had to walk a mile or so to the red artist entrance, but once you’ve done a Glastonbury these things don’t tend to bother you.

Because of the breezy entrance it felt much later in the day than it was, but it was worth treasuring the calm before the storm. I started by heading down to the new look Lion’s Den, where I got in a chat with Beans On Toast’s niece. I never tire of talking about skipping school to hang out with Beans, Frank Turner, and the rest of the Xtra Mile crew, so this serendipitous stranger smacked a massive smile on my face.

It was 5pm before I saw my first act, Dirty Boots featuring Crazy Calamities’ manager Christie. Having brutally managing our expectations the few hours beforehand, they actually delivered a great take on modern soul, with a more traditional guitar band structure. Presumably they’ll be popping up at my usual haunts before long, so I’m keen to watch them get more confident.

We then headed down the hill, most pumped about the new Earache Factory. Wiggling past Alfresco Disco, we opted to take a punt on Church Of The Cosmic Skull. Alas, I found it pretty naff, so Greg and I headed out back out, popping into Little Pharma to catch my long time buddy Dr. Hooka. This was more like it. We were examined by a doctor, and given an urgent shot each. We then headed outside, bumping into a large cohort of Cardiffians, and headed into the jam-packed Hidden Woods for Jazzy Lionness b2b Frenetic. Monstrous jungle was all over the festival, but for some reason these 2 ladies really hit the spot.

It was at this point that a few of us became guides for the more ‘inebriated’ of the group (a favour which would be returned the next evening). With this in mind, and with a couple peeps feeling a little anxious, I pointed us at Poco Loco. I didn’t particularly care what was on, but was definitely pleased to be met with the wholesome afrocentric sounds of Australian rapper REMI. This is the first act where I really recommend you click the link. They left me feeling particularly warm, and after getting blasted in the face with crotch sparks in the Happy Slap Boutique, we headed back up the hill.

PSYCHEDELIC FOREST – Slipmatt

The first district pick is Slipmatt from the Not So Psychedelic Forest, partially because I didn’t make it there again. I was buzzed to see him, as the Arcadia acid house set of 2013 is still a personal Boomtown highlight, but I can’t pretend was as good. The nostalgia factor was fine, but the constant mic shouts of ‘OI OI!’ really ought to have been left in the 90s. Not to say I didn’t have fun, but it was definitely worth leaving for what happened next.

Me and some other Crazy Clams headed into Paradise Heights and were lucky enough to catch the district’s opening show on the enormous Hotel Paradiso. Roman candle lightsabers, wall-running, a sick light show, and fisted fireworks. And fair play to Cut Capers for following it up, not only for packing out the substantial tent, but a special congrats to singer Jane on becoming a new mum recently, and bringing the stomp as phat as ever.

PARADISE HEIGHTS – Cut Capers

That had me absolutely done, and I was in my tent before midnight. But when I think about how much I crammed in on the Friday, it only makes sense. The day began with the excellent Lion’s Den opening ceremony, featuring Eva Lazarus, Jus Now and a whole load of infectious school children bursting with colour. It was followed up by Shy FX presents Cult.ure, which was a little fraught with problems. Although Stamina and Dynamite are both quality MCs, it was misleading to bill this performance as more than just a DJ set. There were also sound issues, as the tracks either landed hard, or more often, far too soft. Collectively, we decided to head back to see what was closer to camp, and caught the end of MEUTE, a fabulously unique German marching band, who do a damn fine job of capturing the mood and texture of progressive techno with a strictly acoustic setup.

COPPER COUNTY – Havana Meets Kingston

My third highlight is taken from The Old Mines in Copper County. I went to watch Havana Meets Kingston alone, knowing full well it would be worth it, but it exceeded my hopes. I was flying by the end, the wonderful fusion of cultures expressed by a wildly international set of musicians with a terrific age range, it felt as if somebody had slipped something naughty in my drink. Massive thumbs up.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, Elvana were next on the list. There’s probably not much point clicking the link, the spectacle of watching an hour of Nirvana’s greatest hits performed by a low quality Elvis impersonator simply doesn’t translate to home viewing. But fuck it. How often are you going to hear those songs performed to a crowd who are falling about laughing. Somehow, it was totally worth it.

SECTOR 6 – Uncommon Records: DJ Resist, Jim Bitch and MC Twista

It was at this point on the Friday that I embarked on a quest to traverse the whole damn festival. Starting with the opening of Sector 6, the only act I caught on the stage was Uncommon Records: DJ Resist, Jim Bitch and MC Twista. Junglists at this festival are spoilt for choice. It was fine, but there were bigger spectacles out there to be discovered. My main aim was to get to Whistler’s Green, but I was glad to catch the acceptable form of Juggalo, Slamboree on the Town Centre.

WHISTLERS GREEN – Jah Wobble & The Invaders Of The Heart

This is where the pilgrimage aspect really set in. Whistler’s Green was a hell of a trek, and I was taken aback by just how tiny the Windmill stage was, but I always like coming back from Boomtown having seen something my dad loves, so there was no chance I was missing Jah Wobble. Sat on a big carved out tree trunk with Jarv, I closed my eyes and watched the spirals as the quintessentially new age grooves filled this quiet corner. We left before the end, in time to catch the last quarter of Dubioza Kolektiv. Pushing our way through the crowd, we found ourselves on two sides of a wall-of-death style split, instructed to taunt one another, as sworn enemies. That’s the last I saw of Jarv for a few hours.

DISS-ORDER ALLEY – Clowns

The plan was to catch Dead Kennedys, which clashed with a whole heap of things I wanted to see. We arrived early, assuming that it would be impossible to get a space, but found the Earache Factory fairly empty. As more of our group appeared, a split emerged. We had the option to watch Clowns, who’s album Lucid Again could be the best punk album I’ve heard from the past decade. We took it. And damn was it worth it. I spent the rest of BoomTown telling everyone I could about this new discovery, a fusion of skate punk, surf psychedelia, and speed metal. So much energy, so much force, and so young. If you spot them touring again, get on it.

DSTRKT 5 – Teklife Showcase: DJ Taye, DJ Taso & DJ Paypal

Bang Hai loomed beckoning, and although that’s where the mission eventually took us, I led the group without a word into Robotika to catch the Teklife Showcase: DJ Taye, DJ Taso & DJ Paypal. Switching back and forth, hotboxing the booth like nobodies business, footwork is a confusing genre for newcomers, but a particularly hardcore Daniel Beddingfield bootleg kept everyone on side. It was tight and exactly my kind of thing, but Bang Hai was still the real thrust of the mission.

So, when they talked about the maze in the run up to BoomTown, I presume that was the journey to Bang Hai? Man, was that ever confusing. When you were on the hill, it took up the entire skyline, but down in the town, we simply could not find it. From a design perspective, I don’t have a clue how they pulled that off. Eventually, we made it for the last 8 minutes of Jack Beats (which I reckon was probably the best 8 minutes). I’ve always loved this duo for their love of a musical troll, and they couldn’t have ended their set with a better one. Building, and building, and building, lights flashing, risers screaming, and then…nothing. Always leave them wanting more.

BANG HAI TOWERS – Jack Beats

Cause & Effect were on next, and maybe it’s a generational thing, but collectively we knew we’d feel more at home at Poco Loco. I knew some of my highlights were coming up in there, but when I’d seen The Nextmen & GDC in the programme it didn’t twig that it meant Gentleman’s Dub Club. That was a neat surprise, but truthfully a bit too downbeat for our sensibilities. We kept moving, had a little 3-song skank to The Rumjacks, and then tried to find the most hardcore shit we could. I was a bit gutted to find a queue for the Scrapyard, but we stood outside for a minute or two, and giggled at the sheer filth of the Methlab Takeover.

METROPOLIS – Honey Dijon

Now this one definitely deserves a special mention. In our search for filth, we found the greatest smut. Inside one of the mini-venues (Little Gay Brother?) we discovered an utterly celebratory catwalk show, but right outside on Pagoda Plaza, Honey Dijon’s incredibly chiselled backup dancers were a hell of a sight. Like Greek statues these lads were, in tiny leather thongs, this was what I always thought house was really supposed to be all about. I loved it, and I’m gutted we left so soon. Oh, the music was fabulous too.

We paused in the Hidden Woods so I could get a decent peak at where I was playing the next day, before heading back to Poco Loco, for the show we were collectively most pumped for, Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts. An awful lot of acts at the festival, particular the MCs and DJs, do come with a self-styled hard man act, but this was so uplifting it could have been on children’s TV. You just know Chali 2na’s a great dad. Over a weekend of seeing brilliant hip-hop in that tent, this stands as the highlight.

BARRIO LOCO – Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts

We ended the night with First Degree Burns in The Skankin’, before getting not enough sleep, and meeting Tiff in the morning, who was joining for the last 2 days. As you can see, I’ve already blasted through my highlights from most every district. The rest of the festival wasn’t crammed full in quite the same way. I know I ought to have gone to see Dutty Moonshine take over the Town Centre at 12, but hearing it from the campsite I felt far too delicate, and waited for Soul II Soul. I was pumped for this set, and it did fit my mind state, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it all felt quite flat, almost like one long warm up to Back To Life. Tiff also found it a bit dull, but I assured her she’d be thanking me when we got to Pizzatramp. It was great to see them fill the tent, I won’t stop raving about them until everyone’s a convert.

We then plopped ourselves by the Earache Factory. In true BoomTown style I managed to miss surefire highlights Conan, Idles, Turbowolf & Jamie Lenman, but we thought we’d take a punt on Massive Wagons. Honestly, I needn’t have bothered. Click the link and you’ll hopefully understand why. Not my kind of thing. We would have moved on to something else, but one of our crew had gone back to the tents for beers so we had to sit in that spot listening to this shit band for 40 minutes. I will never forgive you, Matt Ellis.

By this point it was time for me to earn my ticket. I was playing 2 half hour sets in The Hidden Woods, and as a sort of side goal, my aim was to hit it as hard as I could on Friday so as to be in a ropey place for the set the following afternoon. This was to be my chillest BoomTown set by a mile. Straight reggae classics from former BoomTown artists (I tried to keep it exclusively Lion’s Den alumni, but snuck in The Slackers at the last minute). The crowd barely diminished between the bands, and it felt so good to play a set to an audience with their eyes closed, gently swaying. Same time next year, hopefully.

The Drop were on before me, and I’d put them up there with The Skints as one of the most interesting reggae bands in the UK. Though they are a straight up dub outfit, there’s a very subtle influence in the guitar and song structure that’s reminiscent of the ‘britrock/post-hardcore’ sound that really meant something to me as a teenager, the 2000 Trees/ArcTangent cannon. It might not be an influence that’s particularly obvious on record, but I swear it’s there in the live show. After my first set, I charged up the hill to grab more beers, skipping past Gordie MacKeenan & His Rhythm Boys on the Old Mines. I made it back for the last half hour of Myki Tuff & Friendly Fire Band; a wonderfully positive and likeable MC, backed by an authentic, rootsy 2-tone sound. Onlyjoe were on after my second set, and though they seemed cool, I had to mission it to the Lion’s Den. Shouts to my 4th pillar Cardiff massive!

LION’S DEN – Gorillaz

Now, I’ve heard very mixed reviews of this set (the overwhelming feeling in my campsite was pretty negative) but I’m going to defend it. I had very low expectations, as I honestly don’t believe Gorillaz have ever delivered a truly brilliant album. They definitely don’t have enough big singles to carry this kind of show. As Jamie Hewlitt seems to have been sidelined, this set (and Gorillaz more generally) is an excuse to watch a darling of British pop be as self-indulgent as he likes. And on that count, I thought it was a pretty effective show. Very slow paced, but that’s the source material, the show was punctuated with some great cameos. The shout-out from Snoop Dogg made for a sense of occasion, the choir throughout blew Soul II Soul out of the water, but the show was absolutely stolen by Little Sims. Check the video above for what was undoubtably the show’s highlight. If it had all been like this, I don’t think there would have been a single complaint.

The rest of Saturday night was fairly tame my end, and I crawled into my tent at about 1am, after a little poke around Paradise Heights. We all went in search of a drag show which had closed several hours earlier, but instead discovered an acoustic singer/comedian, who regaled us with a ballad about paedophilia. To say it split the room would be a an understatement. Some loved it. More felt awkward as fuck. But that’s what nightlife cabaret is all about. The last place I made it to was the swanky Venus Lounge, looking impeccably clean considering how far into the festival we were. I’m a bit gutted that I conked out so early when the rest of my crew ended up watching Random Hand, but when you’re done, you’re done.

Sunday, I was pretty fucking done. After 2 trips to load up the car in the morning, I made it no further than Copper County and the Town Centre for the entirety of the day. And I don’t feel bad about it, I saw such good stuff.

A brief stop off at the rave train station was first on the list, but we couldn’t manage more than 5 minutes, and sat down under cover in Rusty Spurs for the serene harmonies of Rising Appalachia. If you’re on the hunt for some gorgeous folk, check this lot out; Tiff insisted on buying a CD. Although I was flagging on Sunday, I was also stationed right by the Soca Street Party, and made a point of having a little groove to Dub Boy before the next highlight, Dub Pistols. I’m glad Tiff wanted to see them, it was the perfect show to rouse me back. I stayed for Fishbone, and I definitely get them now in a way I didn’t before, but they were beaten by a pretty vicious downpour.

Like every other poor sap at the festival, we searched for cover in the mini-venues. I hadn’t actually made it back inside Crazy Calamities since Thursday afternoon, and I dove inside to watch the underwhelming Swinghoppers, followed by the much more impressive soul/hip-hop crew TwoSixtySix. I also fit in 5 minutes of My Baby at the Town Centre, but really fell for Lankum on The Old Mines. They’re about as far as you can get from the BoomTown template; an Irish folk-quartet playing at the speed of a drone band. They were incredible, and it was grand to see they had a healthy cohort of fans in a setting where they really didn’t make much sense.

Despite not watching them, I have to shout out The John E Vistic Rock ‘n’ Roll Sound System for soundtracking my last moments in Copper County before the big finale. A woozy, staggering, and definitely drunken big band sound that fitted my headspace to a tee. We were on our way to see a headliner nobody considered, but everyone secretly wanted. My favourite thing about the lead up to Durst and co. was the denial. Everybody claimed it was going to be shit, including me, but I don’t think any of us really believed it. Wes sounded enormous, Fred still had it and hadn’t gone all Axl, they only played one song I didn’t know, and fuck me if it isn’t fun screaming along to the words of one of the first records you ever bought, having waited 18 years for the privilege. Anyone who says Limp Bizkit were anything other than awesome is lying. My thirst for the Durst was definitely quenched.

TOWN CENTRE – Limp Bizkit

And then we headed for the car to beat the queues (how mature).

My goal was to catch 50 acts. Alas, I can only name 41, but that’s still not bad. My only real disappointment is not catching an act in OldTown, but if I’d ticked everything off the list, I’d have nothing to aim for next year, right? So if I hung out with you, hopefully I’ve jogged your memory, and if not, let me know what I missed that did it for you.