The questions are always flying around: “what can I do to spice up my lovelife a bit?” Whether it’s on a date, in bed, living together, spending some time apart, it seems that some folks are better lovers than others.

So what makes a good lover? Is there any universal key to this holy grail?

There are many variables… but if it could all boil down to one thing, it would have to be SHOWING DESIRE.

There are so many different kinds of desire, and so many ways and situations in which you can show it:

Desire to feel good… or to feel more of a good thing.

Desire to make someone else feel good.

Desire to let go.

Desire to feel comfort and safety.

Desire to help somebody else feel comfortable and safe.

Desire to envelop yourself in somebody’s world, and thus better understand them. Strong curiosity as desire.

Desire to help somebody feel understanding.

Desire to be awesome.

Desire to touch and be touched.

Desire to admire

Desire to be admired.

Desire to love.

Desire to be loved.

Desire is wonderful because when you are fully into it, desire is infinite. Once you’re into it and you get going, you can feel its power taking you to another level. After a while, it can even make you tired!

By the way, by desire, I don’t mean “desire for someone to change” or “desire for a specific interaction to happen.” Your desire must be pure – free of obligations or expectations of the other person. It’s ok to desire all you want as long as you leave as little room as possible for them to feel that they are being pushed or coerced.

For example, I recently met up with a friend of mine, someone I’ve known only for a short period of time, and whose schedule often poorly matches up with mine… but there is one thing that has kept us coming back to each other: we both very often show intense desire in our interactions. Every time I have been with her I have felt this awesome pulling feeling inside that seems to change everything from my mood to my heartbeat to my digestion, which quite noticeably speeds up and gurgles a lot more! This often happens without even so much as a touch. We’re just looking at each other and talking… but really looking at each other, with desire… because we want so badly to get into each other’s worlds.

So how does desire make you a better lover?

As it is said: the greatest sex organ is the mind. This is also the greatest love organ, for your mind is where you can light the fire that heats up the rest of you. And thus 99% of the time, it is your mindset that you must change, not your style or technique. If you’re going to be a good lover, you must have a loving mindset.

Remember: lover does not mean “sex god.” It means “lover.” 🙂

Key point: you do not always have to show desire physically. In fact, often the most powerful desire is shown with little to no touch… with a look, a gesture, a comment – a state of mind. That night I was with my friend, I told her that I wanted her in my life forever… that wherever she goes, I did not want to lose touch. Big-time desire… right afterwards, we hugged, and this physical hug actually felt kind of relaxing and cooling.

Relaxation

And that’s the thing about real lovemaking: not everything has to get hotter and hotter all the time. Relaxation is also very important. Desire is wonderful, but if there isn’t a background of cool relaxation to it all, your desire will frustrate you; it will wind you up without giving you a place to release it. When showing desire does not work for whatever reason, it’s time to relax.

So try mixing these two things when with a lover: desire and relaxation. If it’s hard for you to relax, meditate on how you desire to be relaxed. If your partner is not in a relaxed state, think about how you desire him/her to relax. As you dwell on this desire, your actions and words will be infused with the juice of such desire, and the other person will surely feel it.

If both of you are not relaxed, especially if you cannot relax with each other, any showing of intense desire will backfire. At least one of you must be on the path to further relaxation. Sometimes, when one is feeling relaxed but the other is tense, you can have a wonderful experience in which the relaxed person shows love and compassion and relaxing desire for the other person to feel this compassion, and the tension melts away.

If you feel yourself getting too forceful or pushy… then it’s time for you to relax. 🙂

And if your desire is unwelcome… remember that sometimes the best way to make someone feel good is to give them space. If somebody needs space from you, you’d be surprised sometimes at how powerful the desire for them to have that space can be. You just have to remember that you’re not the problem; the other person merely needs space. And it’s ok. Nothing is wrong with that.

For more on exploring desire, you can read about the sacred middle ground here.