Local Punk Spends 10th Winter Failing to Realize Doc Martens Are Not Winter Boots

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Alicia Lane is spending another long, slippery, water-soaked winter in her insufficiently winterized Doc Marten boots, friends close to the uncomfortable woman confirmed.

“I get the aesthetic — they look pretty cool and punk and all that — but, like, they do less than nothing on ice. She’s already fell and busted her ass four times this week,” said coworker and friend Mary Sanchez, as Lane shakily crossed a frozen patch on the sidewalk, quivering like a newborn deer. “The easy fix is to just buy the same slightly dorky-looking duck boots everyone else has. I don’t know why she does this to herself every winter.”

Witnesses report Lane has cautiously left her apartment in the same footwear for a treacherous walk to the Bedford Ave. L station every morning since December’s first snowfall.

“She gets down her front stairs clutching the handrail for dear life,” said neighbor José Pomello. “It takes actual minutes. And when she gets to the bottom — it happens almost every day — she nods to herself with a sense of accomplishment, and steps immediately into a puddle of slush… which you know just soaked her feet. She always sounds pretty bummed, but it never changes.”

Despite her impractical choices, Sanchez applauded Lane’s commitment to her brand and style.

“It’s kind of amazing if you think about it,” Sanchez said. “Alicia is the chair of the local DSA chapter. She’ll go on and on about the evils of consumerism and capitalism, but when it comes to footwear, her sense of brand loyalty is absurd.”

Lane allegedly spent 15 minutes of her 20-minute trek to the subway this morning cursing the winter, the hydrologic cycle, and herself for choosing to walk to brunch instead of calling a Lyft. Notably absent from her curses, however, was the Doc Martens brand for their inferior winter boot.

“Her boots are so tight, she can’t even wear thick, wool socks,” Sanchez said, her feet warmed by the faux fur lining of her actual winter boots. “I’m pretty sure she just thinks everyone lives this way and it doesn’t get better.”

At press time, Lane had soaked both feet, scraped her knee, and rolled her ankle, and still had six blocks left to walk to brunch.

Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.