Chick-fil-A to Donate “Week-Old” Chicken to Homosexuals

Mar 21, 2019

Chick-fil-A is undoing its image as an anti-LGBT activist organization.

The fast food chain, owned by the Cathy family, made headlines in 2012 when its founder opposed equal rights for LGBTQ people. Despite their claims that "they've changed," they again made news this week when their 2017 tax filings showed donations of more than $1.8 million to groups supporting LGBTQ discrimination, including $1.6 million to The Fellowship of Christian Athletes, which requires a strict “sexual purity” policy for its employees and bans them from any “homosexual acts.”

So today Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy published a new policy to reverse its anti-gay image.

“Dear brethren,” the public memo began. “On this beautiful day of our lord I want to remind all good Christians the importance of Charity. After all, Charity is the virtue that will bring back our Lord and usher in Final Judgement Day.

On this note, we are deeply troubled that people are boycotting our restaurants because they seem to think our anti-gay charity is anti-gay. We love the gays! And now we’ll prove it.

Once upon a time, we would discard our week-old chicken into the dumpster. Such chicken is rancid, and even a double-deep fry can’t remove the subtle taste of salmonella.

But today Chick-fil-A has changed our Charity policy. We will now donate our week-old chicken to any homosexual who wishes to eat.

Just come into Chick-fil-A, flash us your homosexual card, and we’ll take you to the back alley where you’ll find, sitting out in the sun, a bucket of week-old spicy chicken sandwiches. Grab a few for free and eat quickly before you attract the roaches.”

The memo, which was re-tweeted by president Donald Trump as “finally real news,” resonated well with many of its customers, such as the Westboro Baptist Church, who eat Chick-fil-A sandwiches 6 times a week— and it would be 7, but Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays for Jesus.

We here at The Tilted Glass wish Chick-fil-A well in their new public image.