How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics

Previously: How to talk to babies about Marxist theory.

BABY: read dog book

ME: are you ready to find the antecedent

BABY: [holds out book] dog book

ME: okay are you encoding or decoding right now

ground yourself in context before looking for meaning

BABY: [waves book]

ME: thats right

find your spacetime coordinate

ME: [jingles keys]

BABY: [gurgles happily]

ME: okay baby

what are you laughing at

[jingles keys]

are you laughing at the signifier or the signified

BABY: [gurgles happily]

ME: STOP JERKING AROUND

LOCATE YOURSELF IN THE PEIRCIAN SEMIOTIC

BABY: [gurgles happily]

ME: NO

NOT IN THE SAUSSUREAN SEMIOTIC

IT’S TRIADIC, YOU IDIOT

FIND YOUR INTERPRETER

BABY: [gurgles happily]

ME: oh just take the keys

BABY: [crawls over footstool]

ME: okay, baby

baby look at me

this is great stuff

youre interacting with your umwelt

BABY: [crawls over blanket]

ME: can you identify your umwelt

BABY: mah

ME: is “mah” really your umwelt

try again

BABY: mama

ME: no

your mother is an absent referent right now

show me your umwelt

BABY: mahh nahh

ME: YOU’RE CREATING YOUR OWN UMWELT RIGHT NOW AS YOU NAVIGATE THE EVERYDAY OBJECTS OF THE WORLD THAT SURROUNDS YOU

THAT’S YOUR UMWELT

BABY: mahhhhh

ME: okay fine just show me the red block

BABY: [points at red block]

ME: wow are you really going to just let me TELL you what “red” is

lol ok

ME: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND SHOW ME THE REAL

BABY: [blows raspberries against own fists]

ME: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ADDRESS THE CHARGES OF “PHYSICS ENVY” LEVIED AGAINST LACAN

BABY: [gnaws fists]

ME: just take your hands out of your mouth thats disgusting

ME: show me structuralism with your blocks

BABY: block

ME: i said show me structuralism

not identify the signifier

BABY: [puts red block on tan block]

ME: good

now show me the limits of structuralism

BABY: [throws blue block across the room]

ME: good

now show me post-structuralism

BABY: [knocks blocks over]

ME: very good

now use your blocks to show me the Problem of Dostoyevsky’s Poetics

BABY: read dog book again

ME: okay fine

show me where the yellow doggie is on this page

BABY: [points]

ME: good

now show me where the brown doggie is on this page

BABY: [points]

ME: now show me where the author is

BABY: [stares blankly]

ME: that’s right

the author is dead