The number of women that lie about orgasming is depressing. According to modern sex research, the number seems to range between 60% – 80% depending on the source. As cultural taboos surrounding sexuality ease, the abysmal state of female satisfaction is coming to the forefront. Women may be opening up about their lack of sexual satisfaction to scientists and researchers, but what about their partners?

Personally, for every friend who expresses sexual satisfaction to me, I’ll have another three who express sexual dissatisfaction. I’ve even had women I barely know drunkenly rant to me about how they can’t cum in bars. No matter what the context of these conversations, I always ask one question: “Have you talked to your partner about it?”

Almost always, the answer is a no. There are always explanations as to why, but if I’m being honest, none of them good.

Initially, I was baffled by this. I’ve experienced sexual dissatisfaction myself, but I never lied to my partners about orgasming. If they asked, I was forward and told them why.

My first partner and I were really inexperienced, so we learned together. Eventually, due to my pelvic pain and the development of different tastes, we grew apart sexually. Even after I was treated for my dyspareunia and could have pain-free sex again, I realized that I just didn’t enjoy sex with him that much anymore.

I had tried everything to convey my preferences. I knew I could orgasm by myself, so how could it be that difficult for someone else to help me along? Most women are driven to orgasm through clit action, so I would show him how I masturbated. He had trouble hitting the mark. I even gave him a diagram of the female anatomy, so he would know “what button to press” so-to-speak. Nothing changed. I couldn’t even hit the Big O during foreplay. It wasn’t his fault. We just didn’t enjoy the same kind of sex.

After a while, I began feeling sexually inadequate, which lowered my libido. This was yet another blow to my self-esteem (as if all the pelvic pain nonsense hadn’t been enough). I actually gave up on the idea of another person giving me an orgasm altogether. I resigned myself to my fate: having sex for intimacy and masturbating for sexual pleasure.

Eventually, I ended up giving up on the relationship as well. Much of my orgasming problems were remedied once I got my pelvic pain under control and began finding partners that were more experienced and shared my sexual preferences. Of course, I still can’t cum at the drop of a hat. There’s still some effort involved, but it’s a lot better.

Anyway, when I thought about my first relationship in retrospect, I realized that for the last year or so – when we actually were having sex – I would fake it. Honestly, if I feel the need, I still occasionally fake it. But I never did, nor will I ever, lie about it.

What’s the difference? I’m glad you asked.

First Off, Why Lying Isn’t the Way to Go

Straightforwardly telling your partner that you had an orgasm when you didn’t simply isn’t smart. The more you lie, the more your partner is going to think that whatever they did was a brick in the road to O-town. They’ll keep repeating the same moves that you don’t like over and over again.

The more you lie, the more it’s going to hurt when the truth finally comes out – and believe me, the truth will come out eventually. I hate to say it, but all those self-help books are right: Communication is key. Of course, most women know that lying isn’t the way to go, but they still continue to do it. Why? Here are the most common reasons I hear from women about why they lie:

Getting It Over With: You’re tired. You have a million things to do. Sex is the last thing on your mind, but your partner wants it, right? Here’s the thing: You’re never obligated to have sex just because your partner wants you to. Most partners would rather just wait until later so you’ll enjoy sex sincerely. ( Side note: I once had a partner who would perform cunnilingus on incredibly rare occasions, and whenever he did, I could tell that he hated it. Honestly, I’d have preferred that he just skipped it altogether. It made me feel gross knowing that he was doing something he didn’t like.) Always remember that masturbation exists for a reason. Don’t forget about it. If they need to get off and you can’t provide, let them do that without complaining about it or shaming them. But if you find yourself pushing off sex constantly, then you need make some time. Make sex a priority in your life.

You’re tired. You have a million things to do. Sex is the last thing on your mind, but your partner wants it, right? Here’s the thing: You’re never obligated to have sex just because your partner wants you to. Most partners would rather just wait until later so you’ll enjoy sex sincerely. ( I once had a partner who would perform cunnilingus on incredibly rare occasions, and whenever he did, I could tell that he hated it. Honestly, I’d have preferred that he just skipped it altogether. It made me feel gross knowing that he was doing something he didn’t like.) Always remember that masturbation exists for a reason. Don’t forget about it. If they need to get off and you can’t provide, let them do that without complaining about it or shaming them. But if you find yourself pushing off sex constantly, then you need make some time. Make sex a priority in your life. Sparing Your Partner’s Feelings: The top reason cited for faking orgasm is to spare the partner’s feelings. You might fear that your partner will feel inadequate if they discover you’re not orgasming. While they might take a hard hit to the ego, but it shouldn’t be enough to permanently cripple them. If you discuss your problems respectfully and give them some reassurance, then you should be able to move past it. Be delicate with your partner’s feelings, but don’t condescend. They might just be tougher than you’d think. If you and your partner can’t speak honestly about sex, then you should reconsider the essential nature of your sex life and how you relate to your partner.

The top reason cited for faking orgasm is to spare the partner’s feelings. You might fear that your partner will feel inadequate if they discover you’re not orgasming. While they might take a hard hit to the ego, but it shouldn’t be enough to permanently cripple them. If you discuss your problems respectfully and give them some reassurance, then you should be able to move past it. Be delicate with your partner’s feelings, but don’t condescend. They might just be tougher than you’d think. If you and your partner can’t speak honestly about sex, then you should reconsider the essential nature of your sex life and how you relate to your partner. You Don’t Want to Deal With the Pressure: Some women fear that once they admit that they can’t orgasm, suddenly there’ll be tremendous pressure on them to cum. There’s some truth to this, but it’s better than not working towards orgasming at all. Pressure and anxiety about reaching the Big O has always been one of my greatest downfalls. It’s actually part of what perpetuated to my pelvic floor dysfunction and dyspareunia in the first place. The key is to keep the objective of orgasming in mind, without making it your mission. Easier said than done. Think about it as a skill you’d like to work towards, but not become obsessed with. I’ll have more in-depth posts about this in the future.

Some women fear that once they admit that they can’t orgasm, suddenly there’ll be tremendous pressure on them to cum. There’s some truth to this, but it’s better than not working towards orgasming at all. Pressure and anxiety about reaching the Big O has always been one of my greatest downfalls. It’s actually part of what perpetuated to my pelvic floor dysfunction and dyspareunia in the first place. The key is to keep the objective of orgasming in mind, without making it your mission. Easier said than done. Think about it as a skill you’d like to work towards, but not become obsessed with. I’ll have more in-depth posts about this in the future. You’re Afraid Your Partner Will Leave You: Not surprisingly, statistics show that women are much more likely to lie about orgasming if they’re afraid that their partner is on the brink of leaving. The theory behind this is that the more successful their partner feels in bed, the more successful the relationship will feel. This is, of course, not true. If your partner is going to leave you, there’s probably something much deeper going on that not even a mind-blowing orgasm can fix. If it’s rooted in sexual problems, then you’re trying to fix the problem with a lie. This will blow up in your face. Even if a faked orgasm or two did repair some cracks in the relationship, what happens when there’s another bump in the road? They’ll probably leave anyway. If this is all it takes for them to leave you, then good riddance. No one has time for that — including you.

Not surprisingly, statistics show that women are much more likely to lie about orgasming if they’re afraid that their partner is on the brink of leaving. The theory behind this is that the more successful their partner feels in bed, the more successful the relationship will feel. This is, of course, not true. If your partner is going to leave you, there’s probably something much deeper going on that not even a mind-blowing orgasm can fix. If it’s rooted in sexual problems, then you’re trying to fix the problem with a lie. This will blow up in your face. Even if a faked orgasm or two did repair some cracks in the relationship, what happens when there’s another bump in the road? They’ll probably leave anyway. If this is all it takes for them to leave you, then good riddance. No one has time for that — including you. Plain Ol’ Denial: If I don’t acknowledge an issue then it doesn’t exist, right? If you just ignore the fact that you’re not cumming, then there won’t be a problem. If this were true, then I wouldn’t acknowledge world disasters, the U.S. Congress, or brussels sprouts. The first step to a healthy, happy sex life is to acknowledge the problem. This goes for more than just orgasming. It goes for pelvic pain too.

Of course, women aren’t the only ones that lie about orgasming. It turns out that many men also lie for similar reasons.

So what do you do instead?

When asked, tell . If you aren’t orgasming on a regular basis, let them know. Careful wording is key, but it’s important to bring it to their attention — especially if you can pinpoint the reason why. The sooner you can figure out why it’s happening, the sooner you can move forward.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It?

So you’re saying it’s really terrible to lie, but okay to fake? What does that mean? Aren’t those two things contradictory? In my opinion, they’re not the same. Perhaps this is because I have a different definition of “faking it” than Cosmo and other pop culture media outlets.

Sexual arousal comes and goes naturally, even while having sex. Sometimes when I’m feeling anxious, I can push aside my anxieties until I can get into the act. Even if I’m totally enjoying myself, an anxiety might wander into my brain. Suddenly the well goes a little dry and I find myself distracted and frustrated. I was having a perfectly good time a minute ago. What changed?

How do I manage these situations? I fake it.

By my definition, “faking it” means putting yourself in a mindset to become sexually aroused — even if you’re not feeling in the mood at that moment. If I can resurrect my arousal with a little more “inspiration,” I take this approach. I pretend that I’m building up to orgasm in the hopes that I can get back in the mood. And believe it or not, it works.

Arousal is a mindset as much as a physical state, and trying to get back into the game mentally can help. If you’re one of those people that could just listen to porn and get off, then this might work for you. For a while, I thought it was a little strange that I did this, but recently I found a study in The Journal of Sexual Archives that suggests I’m not part of a small percentage. Give it a try and see what happens.

Where Does Pelvic Pain Play Into All of This?



For my ladies (and gents) with chronic pelvic pain, all of my words could be hitting home for you — just in a different way. You’re in an even tighter spot than everyone else, because your problem is health-related and sometimes orgasming (or having sex at all) isn’t physiologically possible.

Number one thing you keep in mind if you’re having pelvic pain of any kind: NEVER stay silent about it. I’ve known women who’ve had vulvodynia or pelvic nerve damage, but continued having agonizing sex until they couldn’t take it anymore.

I was one of these women. My pain began with a slight discomfort during intercourse, but I ignored it until penetration felt like my vagina was being eviscerated with a kitchen knife. According to my specialist and my own experience, this period of “sucking it up” increased the severity of my pelvic floor dysfunction and caused my vaginismus.

Don’t remain silent. Express yourself. Your partner and your body will appreciate it in the long run.

If you’re not orgasming or getting even close to orgasming during sex, then this could be a signal that your pain is getting worse and/or not improving. Listen to your body. Translate what your body is telling you to your partner. You’re the Rosetta Stone. Work your magic!