Are you any good at it? (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Good oral sex is amazing. But bad oral sex is, well, horrible.

Everybody wants to get oral sex right – but for some people, it’s just not their strong point. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get better at it, as long as your partner is open and honest with you about what they like and vice versa.

But some women have had some pretty unfortunate experiences of oral sex, and they’ve shared them with us, so that we can laugh, cringe and cry along with them.

Here’s what they said.


‘He thought it was an expert level move’

‘I had a guy motorboat my labia thinking it was an expert-level move. Noises and all.’



‘She had really long, sharp nails’

‘I had a woman go down on me once in a gay bar, and she kept focusing on my entrance rather than my clit and trying to use her fingers on me (she had really long, sharp nails).

‘I eventually faked an orgasm because I couldn’t stand the thought of five more minutes being prodded and poked by them.’

‘The worst oral sex I had was none at all’

‘The worst oral I ever had was in fact the no-oral-at-all for 18 months from my then bf who couldn’t bring himself to do it. I pity his now-wife, knowing she will never get it.

‘Actually, I tell a lie, he did it once using a dental dam and I can tell you that being licked through plastic is utterly pointless.’

Biting the clit is a big nope (Picture: Ella Byworth/ metro.co.uk)

‘He had really terrible veneers’

‘I was getting oral off a guy I’d fancied for years and years but he had just got really terrible veneers and his tongue wasn’t long enough to get round them.

‘Long story short I had big horse-like veneers resting on my vagina whilst his tongue didn’t get anywhere near it for a good 15 minutes.’

‘He thought he was amazing at it’

‘Once had this guy who kept pausing his below average cunnilingus skills to tell me why he was so amazing at it.

‘”I’m so good at cunnilingus because I enjoy it so much!” he said before returning to lick my clit like a cheap ice lolly. Then he’d take a break a few seconds after to tell me how much fun he was having.

‘Well, at least one of us was having fun.’

‘She bit me’

‘One time I was on a cruise and I met this girl. On the last day she went down on me and started biting my actual vagina like the p**** lips.

‘I almost started crying because of how painful it was becoming. I didn’t even finish because she was biting my p****.

‘After she was done she said I had no emotion while being eaten and I said “maybe that’s because you were biting my p****.” she didn’t take me seriously.

‘Anyways my vagina was swollen for the rest of the day and I couldn’t pee.’

‘He’d cooked with jalapenos’

‘Oral story. Guy had cooked with/touched and eaten jalapenos. So between mouth and fingers, my hoohah was on fire! For hours.’

Wash your hands after cooking spicy foods… (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘He threw up all over me’



‘I once finally found myself alone and drunk with a guy I’d fancied for a long ass time! And the tension needed to be resolved.

‘We finally broke the ice and started making out, things went fast and we took a taxi home to his. The taxi was pretty sickly and rough considering how drunk we were and once we were home he stripped off my clothes and pushed me on the bed.

‘I couldn’t believe my luck as this was finally happening after so long, he kissed me from lips all the way down to my vagina, and after about 20 seconds of cunnilingus… threw up all over my bottom torso.

‘Let’s just say I cleaned myself and gladly did the walk of shame home.’

‘He sticks his tongue in my vagina’

‘Boyfriend routinely sticks his tongue in my vagina hole thinking I enjoy it – can’t feel a thing but pretend to because I don’t wanna hurt his feelings! ‘

‘He wouldn’t eat’

‘He basically just would not eat. I had washed before hand, I smelled amazing and he wouldn’t get in there.

‘A couple of tip of the tongue touches and he was out. I only cum from clit stimulation, it was disappointing from there onwards.’

‘There was spit everywhere’

‘My ex of seven years once spit on my clit while giving oral and there was so much saliva running down that I shrieked and had to clean up. I never let him go down on me again.

‘In hindsight, he was never that good at it to begin with.’


More biting over here…

‘It was the day I lost my virginity and so i didn’t really have a clue on what I would like. The boy pretty much had to do all the work. When he went down on me he kind of started to lick around but it didn’t feel good and suddenly I felt this sharp pain.

‘Apparently he thought it was a good idea for him to bite my clit. I yelped and asked what did he do that for. His response was “a lot girls like that.”

‘The rest of the experience was short and he ended up leaving quickly, which was a good sign because it started out terribly.’

It’s important to talk to your partner about how you like oral sex (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘He fell asleep between my legs’

‘My ex got absolutely drunk one night, wanted to “please me” and fell asleep between my legs. I’d move thinking he was trying to be sensual or draw things out – he’d wake up and start again.

‘I had to tell him I was tired so we’d just go to bed. Still one of the most awkward things I’ve experienced – having someone asleep *right there*. No thank you.’

‘He kept licking my pee hole’

‘Worst oral sex was with my ex. Him on me, he kept licking my pee hole and flicking it and mistaking my jerks of pain for jerks of pleasure! That is not my clit you moron.’

‘He was told to spell out the alphabet’

‘I’ve got a good one. So this guy I was seeing had never given oral before, so he’d had a word with his mates for advice. They told him to spell out the alphabet and that the different shapes would feel good.


‘He apparently didn’t get that they meant to do this with his TONGUE, so he was basically just whispering the alphabet against my nunny. I just kinda lay there like – erm okay? Then I spoke to his friends after and realised his mistake ‘

‘I came on my period’

‘I once came on my period as someone was performing oral on me. It was dark, we were both tipsy and I hadn’t calculated my cycle properly.

‘It wasn’t until he resurfaced that I witnessed what appeared to be cannibalism and was truly mortified! I tried to maintain a poker face and unsubtly wiped his face with my discarded clothes. The night ended pretty swiftly after that and we never spoke again.’

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