Professional jerk Glenn Beck sure does admire Glee, but he hates the show's "everyone get along and be gay all over if you want" message. In response, he's going to use the $12 bajillion dollars he got in exchange for selling his eternal soul to Rupert Murdoch's wrinkled skin suit to produce a star-studded, expensive, much less fruity version of the show for conservative teens. There will be music, there will be dancing, and there will be patriotic songs and rapping and the exact sort of thing that conservatives think teens like (backflips! neon pants! swing-dance parties! light shows!). But Beck shouldn't stop with Glee. In fact, if you examine most musical theater, you'll find a nakedly liberal (gay) agenda. How could Glenn Beck make Broadway less of a bastion of liberalism and more of a sad pit of conservatism? Thought experiment time!


We first learned of Beck's hilarious plan last week, when he informed Buzzfeed (and later a crowd at a conservative convention) that he's got a mind-blowing lineup planned for his new anti-Glee (will he call it Sadness just to stay consistent with the whole opposite-theme?). For one thing, there will be "a rapper." He can't say which rapper, but he can say that people will be pretty impressed with the conservative rap lessons he has to impart. And we're not sure yet which network will air Glenn Beck's Despondency, but whatever network does will be doing its best to teach kids that what's most important in life is not being yourself, but rather being exactly what your Church leaders tell you that you should be. And never pursue pleasure or joy for its own sake; that's sin-talk.

Anyway, onto the conservative musicals, where the men can't dance and the women wear over-the-knee skirts.


The Sound of Music

Captain Von Trapp joins the Third Reich Navy like a decent, law-abiding patriot. Maria never leaves the convent. Problem of Maria solved.

The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom of the Opera dresses like Uncle Sam. Christine represents the American taxpayer, being wooed by promises and coerced by fear and violence. At the end of the play, she defeats the Phantom of the Billfold using guns, and then sings a song about the second amendment.

Les Miserables

Jean Valjean is never released from prison on parole. France burns to the ground because it's full of lazy Occupy Wall Street types looking for a handout.

Spring Awakening

No one's parents teach them about sex, and as a result, no one ever touches themselves, has sex, has abortions, or is sexually abused. Or maybe one girl tries to have an abortion and dies, but that's okay because it's important for the audience to understand that sex causes abortion and abortion causes death.


West Side Story

Tony and Maria meet at church and are both white and their friends get along with each other and then they get married. There are no Puerto Ricans. Puerto Rico has been outlawed.

Rent

All of the HIV positive characters convert to Christianity and are magically cured of the disease. Except for the gay characters; they die.


Hairspray

Pleasantly plump would-be dancer Tracie Turnblatt responds to being rejected by her peers by becoming a massively successful conservative radio host and commentator.

The Wiz

Ugh, cancelled altogether. If there's a black Wizard of Oz, then why isn't there a white history month? The Wiz shows a deep-seated hatred for white people and white culture.


Spiderman: Turn off the Dark

Exactly the same. Glenn Beck fucking loved it. Best, least-gay musical ever.


Any other suggestions for Beck-ified Broadway musicals? Leave 'em in the comments.