Go ahead. Gouge my eyes out with a spoon and rub the holes with salt from Gov. Robert Bentley's press conference flop sweat.

It couldn't hurt any worse.

Alabama's bad grandpa, the one who wasn't going to cost us because he didn't take a salary, is costing us big again.

The state contract review committee today will decide whether to allow Bentley and Alabama Law Enforcement Agency chief Stan Stabler to use your money to pay their high-priced lawyers. Maynard Cooper & Gale would, under the terms, get $195 an hour - up to $100,000 each - to defend Bentley and Stabler from a lawsuit filed by whistleblower Spencer Collier, the former ALEA secretary who outed Bentley as both a dirty old man and a meddler in law enforcement affairs.

Alabama Governor Robert Bentley testifies during the trial of Alabama Speaker Mike Hubbard. (Todd J.Van Emst/Opelika-Auburn News via AP, Pool)

The people change and the parties change, but the lawyers are gonna profit one way or another.

Think what we could pay for if we just said "No." Because $200,000 may be a small thing in the budget, but it's still a pile of green.

Here are the top 10 things we could buy instead.

10. Alabama could pay the salaries of four new teachers. Four. You could use them to expand that so-hot-right-now Pre-K program. But if that's not your political bag, never fear. Because there will be money left over. Enough to arm each of them with their very own Sig Sauer, if you prefer. And other school supplies.

9. The state today also was to consider a $90,000 contract for an independent audit of another agency. So .... Of course! For $200,000 we could demand an independent audit of the governor's office and of ALEA. Isn't it time we knew once and for all how much it cost to fly the governor's wallet to the beach?

8. We could reopen some driver license offices. ALEA said last year it saved about $100,000 in travel costs by not staffing satellite offices across the state. It's a tiny savings for a big slap in the face. Now they could pay twice the travel, and give Alabamians even more opportunity to receive actual state services.

7. If we can't preserve our history, at least we can dust it off. The Alabama Historical Commission last year spent about $93,000 on repair and maintenance of the state's historic sites. Give them what you give those lawyers and they could fix up three times the history.

6. Alabama State Troopers start at about $35,000 a year, meaning that Stabler's legal bill alone could pay the salary of almost three troopers. Now that's the kind of law worth spending for.

5. Here's a concept. Bentley could use that money to pay people on his staff, rather than farming that cost out to politically interested groups and shadowy non-profits, as he did with former political adviser Rebekah Mason and former chief of staff Seth Hammett. If it's worth staffing, the state should pay its freight.

4. For $200,000, Gov. Bentley could hire himself a life coach and a private investigator. Lord knows he needs to find himself.

3. Or Alabama could use it to pay the salary of a real governor.

2. For $200,000, Alabama could pay the annual salary of two Mike Duffys. Duffy, a deputy attorney general, showed what a bargain he was as he helped prosecute former Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard. If he proved anything, it was that Alabama could use a couple more of him.

1. And finally, rather than pay $195 an hour to defend Bentley from himself, we could simply cover the governor in sterling silver bells. That way, at least, no one ever again will have to worry about him coming up behind them.