Donald Trump shakes hands with Matt Schlapp, chairman of the American Conservative Union, during the 2018 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at National Harbor in Oxon Hill, Maryland, February 23, 2018. Photo : SAUL LOEB ( Getty Images )

Trump started the morning the way he normally does: he kicked a baby kitten in the face, drank a half goblet of baby goat milk which he promptly spa t into the toilet that his interns call Sen. Lindsey Graham, and demanded that he be given a noggin of eel blood.




It wasn’t until the president learned that he may have come in contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19, the disease that causes the Coronavirus, that he became upset. Despite the president’s proclivity for slathering his skin in tobiko—the tiny, orange stuff on sushi rolls— and his penchant for Russian prostitute urine, the president is a noted germaphobe.

So he’s got a right to be livid upon learning that the infected unnamed person shook hands with Matt Schlapp, chairman of the American Conservative Union, whom Trump also shook hands with during the Conservative Political Action Conference last month.


The Washington Post notes that the Trump-Schlapp handshake now puts the president two degrees away from the virus that Trump has tried to downplay since it s global devastation began being reported. The White House claims Trump was never in direct contact with the infected person and doesn’t have any symptoms, as he always sweats a lot when he hasn’t had his morning Diet Coke, and by Diet Coke, I mean a bump of Adderall.

From the Post:

There is growing tension among Trump administration officials, who now view the rapidly spreading outbreak as a black swan event that could consume the president’s fourth year in office, even as Trump remains reluctant to see much cause for concern, according to White House officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe the internal mood. “I’m not concerned at all,” Trump said Saturday when asked about the potential threat posed to the White House by the coronavirus. He also pledged to keep holding “tremendous” political rallies, even as top public health officials within his government have called for millions of Americans to avoid large crowds and major events to reduce the risk of being infected.

White House officials have straight up said that they expect the outbreak to spread throughout the country and that it’s going to affect the president’s schedule.

Because Trump is the most vacationing president to ever openly root for racism, he spent the past weekend at … one guess. Don’t make that face, he could’ve gone somewhere different...Just guess...Fine, you’re right; he was in West Palm Beach, Fla., where he threw a temper tantrum after learning he was going to have to be briefed on the spreading virus and possible American crisis.


While the president continues to try and assuage financial market fears, his team is quietly concerned for his safety, considering most victims of the virus are senior citizens and Trump is 73, although he reportedly tells women that he’s a spry 54.

Despite the president’s attempts to act like the coronavirus isn’t a big deal, White House staff has been cleaning that nasty- ass White House on a regular basis and have encouraged people with flu-like symptoms to stay their asses home.


And if all of this hadn’t hurt Trump before, learning that he wasn’t going to be able to rally Sunday evening had to crush him as he’s the most rallying-ass president to ever be elected by Russians.

For the first time this year, Trump canceled a rally and no other large gathering events were on the president’s schedule, the Post notes.


Maybe now he will learn to sit his ass down.