No, Designer Babies for the rich are not the type of designer chic that you strap to your body and show off on the red carpet. Designer Babies are exactly what they sound like: babies that have been designed through genetic manipulation. Their genetic makeup can be altered to include immunizations against diseases like HIV or eliminate full-blown disabilities like having a small dick.

Currently, only the rich and elite of society have the ability to afford bigger dicks for their babies but that’s okay because like all new technology, often the kinks take time to work out. It usually takes a while for the masses to adopt new technology, usually due to the steep price; I only just got a PlayStation 3 last month and it’s been available since 2006.

Just look at televisions. 4K TVs were the hot item for all of two years, then 8K took over for what seemed like six months only to be supplanted by 16K resolution (8640p). But what about the rest of us still rocking a 13-inch CRT television? Most of us who can’t afford these Next-Gen Babies, so we’re forced to stick with genetically randomized babies that can’t even play DVDs let alone Blu-Ray.

All I need is Tape 1 of Titanic (the one with Kate Winslet’s boobs)

Admittedly genetics is incredibly complex, but we have an opportunity here to make a shitty reboot of 1997’s notoriously shitty box-office bomb Gattaca. The 1997 film was about “Children made to order” and was listed as the single most plausible Sci-Fi story to some day come true. But Gattaca never hit hard the important ramifications of the side-effects of such a technology. Issues such as racial segregation, population control, or just how big the dicks are.

Beautiful piece of equipment there, Jerome. I see a great many in the course of a given day. Yours just happens to be an exceptional example. I don’t know why my folks didn’t order one like that for me. Xander Berkeley while staring directly at ethan hawke’s dick

So would designer babies actually be bad for the world? Sure, it might heighten and create more disparities in wealth; and sure there are “purebred” dogs that are essentially inbred, genetic wastelands; but think of how big we could make our children’s dicks. They could have the biggest fucking dicks.

Outright abolishing designer baby technology will just guarantee that huge cocks will be available only to the super-rich and only to the politically well-connected. Another problem is this could lead to prejudice against the designer babies themselves, and their unnaturally large phalluses. Could you imagine something so horrible? Healthy children who didn’t choose to be born with huge dongs, excluded from society.

Imagine the wild submarket that could grow from such a technological advance. It would forever change the answers to the stale question “Who are your wearing” when you can respond “This Gigglestick is by Dolce & Gabbana.” Finally, nobody will be hung like a grape anymore.

We’re right around the corner from having legitimate, bonafide X-Men except this time the only reason Charles Xavier is confined to a wheelchair isn’t that he’s paralyzed from the waist down, but that he physically cannot walk due to the goddamn giant HOG in his pants.

The sky’s the limit when it comes to designer babies. Do you want a six-inch schlong? Pathetic. A twenty-four inch tallywhacker? Now we’re talki —FUCK THAT! Fifty-eight inch fuckstick! We’re not stopping until the human race passes out every single time they pitch a tent.