It’s Christmas Day, and you know what that means: time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. We’re looking for the weirdest, least explicable, and most awkward objects that America has shoved inside its various holes. God bless us, everyone.


As always, objects sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

SAFETY RAZOR



MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”



FINGER RING



PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL



“PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”



TOY CELL PHONE



“WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”



SEASHELL



BEAN



PIECE OF STRING



“PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”



PIECE OF SOAP



RUBBER BAND



“LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”



FISH HOOK



“SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”



TOY STICKY HAND



POTPOURRI



PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT



“HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”



GRASS



GASOLINE



ROSARY BEAD



KNITTING NEEDLE



“PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”



LEGO



PIECE OF CHOPSTICK



“12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”

PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE

A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME



Nose

TIN FOIL



ORANGE POM-POM



CANDLE WAX



“WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”



HAIR TIE



DOLL’S SHOE



HALLOWEEN DECORATION



“WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”



PILLOW STUFFING



SPONGE



SCREW



TOY CAR WHEEL



PEANUT



“WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”



MOLDING CLAY



PEBBLE

CHAPSTICK



STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER



WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD



Throat

BROOM



MARSHMALLOW



LIGHTER



“WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”



GOLD TOOTH



CONFETTI



“A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”



TAPE



PERFUME BOTTLE CAP



CANDY WRAPPER



“PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”



“SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”



PIECE OF A CD



PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE



KEY CHAIN



BALLOON OF MARIJUANA



“ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”



PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS



WIG



TOILET PAPER HOLDER



2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,



BULLET



“DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”



Penis

HALF A PENCIL



PENCIL ERASER



PEN CAP



PEN



MARBLE



COAT HANGER



“PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH”



PLASTIC TUBING



SCREWDRIVER



MAGNETS



Vagina

MAKEUP BRUSH



FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS



CELL PHONE



HUSBAND’S PENIS RING

PERFUME BOTTLE



TWO TAMPONS



TOY PLASTIC SPOON



MAKEUP SPONGE



GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”



A JINGLE BELL



PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER



WET WASHCLOTH



EARRINGS



VIAL OF FENTANYL



TOY TEAPOT



SNORKEL



Rectum

“THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”



TOY BABY BOTTLE



GLASS BOTTLE



“THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”



“CRAYONS AND COINS”



DICE



HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER



TOILET BRUSH



“7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”



SALT SHAKER



SMALL TOY



LARGE TOY



PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY



“CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”



SCREWDRIVER



WATER GUN



BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG



BOBBY PIN



LARGE ELASTIC STRING



“ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”

MARKER IN A GLOVE



“HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”



FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN



SHAMPOO BOTTLE



CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE



HOMEMADE DILDO



TOY SHARK



“WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”



EGG

