Picture this, summer of July 1996, lets call it July, maybe June. It’s the 1996 European Football Championships and locked in a match to the death are the two auld enemies, England and Scotland. Against the bookie’s odds, Scotland get a chance of possibly winning the match through a penalty and thus two entire nations sit on the edge of their seats as Gary McAllister runs at the ball. And then, just as he’s about to let swing the ball moves, not by a mile, but by enough for everyone to see, and by enough to put Gary off his stride. He takes the kick anyway and misses. Bad luck Scotland, that’s life, not exactly like it’s the first time this wee nation has been shafted by misfortune. Mere seconds later Paul ‘wheres my keys’ Gascoigne runs up the pitch, lobs Hendry and volleys it into the Scottish net, talk about rubbing salt into a fresh wound.

Most of us could have – and some probably actually have – gotten over it by now, if it weren’t for that missed penalty, and not necessarily the missed penalty per se, but the fact that above the skies in a helicopter – watching like the God he thinks he is but actually isn’t – was world renowned Spoon and Bender, Uri Geller.

Uri Geller, who shortly after this football match went on national television and told the world that the ball had moved, not because of some mishap of fortune or wind, but because he himself had been WILLING the ball to move via nothing but the power of his mind. According to Geller, he sat up there in his helicoptery throne and made the ball move just by thinking about it, therefore resulting in McAllister missing a golden chance, and 5 million Scots refilling their empty Tennents pint glasses with their own salty tears.

For some unknown reason I remembered all of this earlier today, that it has been just over 22 years since that match, that moving ball and that Gary McAllister missed penalty against England. Which means I also realised today that it has been just over 22 years since Uri Fuckhead Geller announced on TV that the ball moved because he was willing it to with his mind.

Not only is Uri Geller a piece of shit, he is a lying, bell-end piece of shit. I have despised Uri Geller for 22 years. I and 5 million other Scots.

Fuck Uri Geller. Fuck Uri Geller hard in his suspiciously loose, little brown bum hole. Absolute fucking waste of a spunk bucket.

Signed Sincerely,

Scotland

xxx