9. IHOP

Grade: D

Probably the best that can be said about the food in one of the most generic backdrops around is that the pancakes are fluffy (if a dash salty); the vegetable omelet is as green with fresh spinach as it is yellow from eggs; and marbled rye bread can turn even an unfortunate beef patty and barely melted cheese into a fair-enough sandwich.

Ultimately, the service leaves a better taste in my mouth, even though I once have to go outside to find my server to pay my check (she was on a smoke break). I salute the honesty, as the night I ask about the day’s soup and am told it is “potato, but we’re at the end of it, and I wouldn’t do that to you.” And I admire a server who can read a table in a hurry, as the morning one pours “some nice hot coffee for you gentlemen. You look like you need to get back to the office.” Two of us order enough for four, a cross-section of the plastic menu. “If you eat all that food,” the server cracks, “I’m going to give you a hug.” Ten minutes later a companion and I are biting into a dry cheeseburger served in a cottony bun, hoisting a leathery soft tortilla crammed with fish that appeared to be fried in a straitjacket and trying to decide which was more of a salt bomb: the thin batter-fried steak or the cream gravy covering it. Our table, in other words, has turned into a minefield. No hugs for us!

[The latest trend I loathe in restaurants: No space between tables]

Cuisine: American

Claim to fame: Open 24/7

Slogan: “Eat up every moment”

Best of the bunch: Patty melt, spinach-mushroom omelet (hold the flat hollandaise)

Steer clear of: Burgers, fried fish tacos, country-fried steak

Tidbit: Four syrups (typically old-fashioned, butter pecan, blueberry and strawberry) are always offered. Franchisees can opt to swap in real maple syrup and boysenberry.

Defining moment: Eating pancakes and wishing I were enjoying them at Denny’s.