“Buy Bose headphones, America, they are truly, truly amazing! Trust me, we just spent $35 Billion to secure they make headphones that block out the evil liberal media and their stupid information! BOSE BOSE BOSE!”

Written by: Alex Lambert

On Thursday afternoon, the Trump Administration officially declared they have selected Bose, from the numerous personal audio applicants, to head their line of fact-canceling headphones. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders made the announcement in a special press conference.

“The American public needs to be protected from the mainstream media and their facts,” we are told Sanders said, as our periodical was not allowed into the White House press room. “The constant barrage of information on global warming, Mr. President’s continued failures in Puerto Rico, and just the general bullshit that keeps happening here is really dragging the people down.”

President Trump tweeted his own announcement of the deal hours before it was officially decided, creating a firestorm of speculation as to whether it was real or not.

“Buy Bose headphones, America, they are truly, truly amazing! Trust me, we just spent $35 Billion to secure they make headphones that block out the evil liberal media and their stupid information! BOSE BOSE BOSE!” the tweet said, followed by an American Flag emoji and an unexplained link to http://www.Chobani.com.

Tech insider for Cnet.com, Robert Gase, says the headphones work by blasting the inner ear with a shrill, 16 kilohertz stream of noise, forcing the listener to reject any, and all received information. “They just force your poor brain to cancel out whatever logic you have,” Gase said, “your nervous system is shocked and becomes temporarily paralyzed to outside stimuli.”

Bose has not responded to our repeated requests for comment, redirecting our phone calls to the Beats By Dre headquarters.