"Dear Tree 1037148, You deserve to be known by more than a number. I love you. Always and forever.”

In 2013 Melbourne City Council, living up to their role as true representatives of their beautiful yet painfully whimsical city, came up with a program that allowed citizens to email trees. Please know that I do not say that lightly. The message system was not designed for messages addressed to the council members responsible for said trees. It is literally a huge interactive map that encourages you to send direct correspondence to one of the 70,000 unique Pin Oaks or Platanus London Planes standing tall in the CBD or its immediate surrounds.

Headed up by Melbourne City’s urban landscapes team, Urban Forest Visual began as a way to monitor the lifespan and wellbeing of the city’s plant-life. As each tree has a unique tracking number assigned to it upon planting, the council decided that system may as well be opened up to the community. That way, if a large branch had snapped off in a storm or some kid had etched a giant dick in its trunk, a good citizen could report it and have it mended accordingly.

However, as people are inherently ridiculous and the internet is a surreal playground of the absurd, this didn’t really work out as first planned. As news of the program drifted in and out of news over the last couple of years, locals started using the service as way to casually chat with the trees around them.

“Chinese Elm 1030595… (or can I call you Dale??),” one message read. “I am stuck inside and am so jealous of you soaking up the sun. You seem to be having a ball out there today. What did you get up to on the weekend?”

Then some beautiful employee with a concerning amount of free time on their hands began to reply.

“Dale… I like it,” they wrote. “Sorry that you are stuck inside. I am really enjoying stretching my stomata and giving my chloroplasts a good workout. I spent the weekend well-hydrated and preparing for the summer ahead. You?”

Not only does that conversation keep going to the point an adult human is ribbing a tree about the football, it’s also just one of the 3,000 messages that have been sent using the service of the past two years.

Now, speaking to The Atlantic about the adorable little story this week, Melbourne City Councillor Arron Wood has released a handful of the best ones to the public. It’s a beautiful collection of love letters, witty repartee, and surreal role-plays, but — with the article being shared more than 24,000 times and attracting further coverage from other media outlets all around the world — it’s entirely likely Cr Wood has just completely flooded the government service with the never-ending written equivalent of this:

–

To: Golden Elm, Tree ID 1037148

May 2015

Dear 1037148,

You deserve to be known by more than a number.

I love you. Always and forever.

–

To: Golden Elm, Tree ID 1037148

21 May 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going to die soon.

It makes me sad when trucks damage your low hanging branches. Are you as tired of all this construction work as we are?

–

To: Algerian Oak, Tree ID 1032705

2 February 2015

Dear Algerian Oak,

Thank you for giving us oxygen.

Thank you for being so pretty.

I don’t know where I’d be without you to extract my carbon dioxide. (I would probably be in heaven) Stay strong, stand tall amongst the crowd.

You are the gift that keeps on giving.

We were going to speak about wildlife but don’t have enough time and have other priorities unfortunately.

Hopefully one day our environment will be our priority.

–

To: Oak, Tree ID 1070546

11 February 2015

How y’all?

Just sayin’ how do.

My name is Quercus Alba. Y’all can call me Al. I’m about 350 years old and live on a small farm in N.E. Mississippi, USA. I’m about 80 feet tall, with a trunk girth of about 16 feet. I don’t travel much (actually haven’t moved since I was an acorn). I just stand around and provide a perch for local birds and squirrels.

Have good day,

Al

–

And then those with replies:

To: Green Leaf Elm, Tree ID 1022165

29 May 2015

Dear Green Leaf Elm,

I hope you like living at St. Mary’s. Most of the time I like it too. I have exams coming up and I should be busy studying. You do not have exams because you are a tree. I don’t think that there is much more to talk about as we don’t have a lot in common, you being a tree and such. But I’m glad we’re in this together.

Cheers,

F

29 May 2015

Hello F,

I do like living here.

I hope you do well in your exams. Research has shown that nature can influence the way people learn in a positive way, so I hope I inspire your learning.

Best wishes,

Green Leaf Elm, Tree ID 1022165

–

To: Willow Leaf Peppermint, Tree ID 1357982

29 January 2015

Willow Leaf Peppermint, Tree ID 1357982

Hello Mr Willow Leaf Peppermint, or should I say Mrs Willow Leaf Peppermint?

Do trees have genders?

I hope you’ve had some nice sun today.

Regards

L

30 January 2015

Hello

I am not a Mr or a Mrs, as I have what’s called perfect flowers that include both genders in my flower structure, the term for this is Monoicous. Some trees species have only male or female flowers on individual plants and therefore do have genders, the term for this is Dioecious. Some other trees have male flowers and female flowers on the same tree. It is all very confusing and quite amazing how diverse and complex trees can be.

Kind regards,

Mr and Mrs Willow Leaf Peppermint (same Tree)

–

To: Western Red Cedar, Tree ID 1058295

1 July 2015

Hi Tree,

Are you worried about being affected by the Greek debt crisis? Should Greece be allowed to stay in the European Union?

Regards,

Troy

2 July 2015

Hi Troy,

I seem to remember the Greeks razed you to the ground one time — are you still angry at them?

Greece is not out of the woods yet, but may be out of the EU… Some say that they should be allowed to devalue their currency in order to recover their economy, but the EU will not allow them to do that. Some say that it is partly the austerity program, which has made it this bad. They say austerity was a disaster for Russia after the breakup of the Soviet Union and for the recovery of Asia from the GFC…

I don’t know, but then I’m only a tree.

Regards,

Western Red Cedar

–

Now, The Guardian are reporting there are emails from as far as Russia, Germany, the US, Britain, Hungary, Moldova, Singapore, Brazil, Denmark and Hong Kong:

To: Brush Box, Tree ID 1039919

14 July 2015

Hello, dear Tree.

I read about this wonderful project and suppose to write you from another side of Earth – Russia. I hope you have a good care and don’t sick. One day we will meet, may be.

–

To: English Elm, Tree ID 1032245

14 July 2015

Are you and your fellow English Elms enjoying the Ashes series as much as we in England are, and are you giving the native Aussie trees some stick over their team’s performance?

–

Arron Wood just told ABC Radio he wouldn’t mind having an extra staff member to answer all these. If you’d like to be employed as a full-time tree, send your applications here, otherwise start penning your love letter here.

–

Feature image via edwin.11/Flickr Creative Commons.