Even though I’m living a very happy, successful, stable and peaceful life today I can still remember the feeling I had when I was laying on the floor fighting for my breath like I had done so many times before.

I was thinking to myself “Why me? Why is this happening to me? I don’t want to feel this pain anymore, I want to be free, I don’t want to do this anymore, I want to quit and I want to die”.

Yes, this life had been a reality for me not so many years ago. I suffered from daily panic attacks and high levels of anxiety. I was suicidal and I hated myself, my life and what I had become. I had trouble sleeping, concentrating; I was consumed by fear, guilt, shame and worthlessness. Still, I could not figure out how I had gotten here. Mostly I blamed everyone else for how my life was, I made myself the victim. I thought there was no way out until I finally decided to get help and so I did. Broken in all aspects of life I went into the therapy room where my therapist was waiting for me and entering that room was the beginning of a new life for me.

I always say to my therapist that “you changed my life” and she always replies “No Selma, you did. You changed your life”. I didn’t have to think long until I understood what she meant. She has a tremendous ability to help people but the work that had to be done was all on my shoulders. And it was a pretty heavy load of work since I was literally broke financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But with time, one step at the time, with her support and love I did it.

Maybe you don’t have a therapist; maybe you have a family member that is wise and kind enough to help you through your pain. Or maybe you have a friend. It is up to you to choose who you want to help you, but for me, my therapist was the only one who could help me through this.

I learnt so many lessons from her that changed my life once I started using them. This information is what helped me tremendously to feel more at peace with myself, my inner voices and my suicidal thoughts.

Lesson: I finally got to know what was really going on underneath all the panic, anxiety and suicidal thoughts and the truth wasn’t easy to face but it was necessary to look at to set me free. Fear, worthlessness, a voice saying “I’m not good enough”, guilt, shame, hurt and pain. These emotions were trying to be heard but I wouldn’t listen, until I actually realized I had no other choice.

Now you need to ask yourself what feelings you are trying to hide and avoid that gives you so much anxiety and panic? It might not be so easy to figure out but look around you, look at your life truthfully and ask yourself what it is about your life that makes you feel so unhappy and uneasy. Is it a relationship you are in? Or maybe a job which you hate? Maybe you have gone through an incredible loss of someone close to you? Is it your environment that makes you unhappy? Are you lonely? Think hard and deep about the reasons for your unhappiness.

Tools to use when you are having an attack: This is what I learnt to do during my deepest moments of despair, anxiety and panic attacks:

Let the pain come, don’t fight against it at all, allow yourself to feel it, if that means you must lay on the floor and cry out and have a hard time breathing then so be it. Once you allow your emotions to be there and feel them all out, you will feel better. Don’t fight it. And you don’t have to worry about panic attacks being dangerous to your life because they are not. What I can say though is that you want to spend most of your time preventing and healing your emotions so that you can feel free from pain and suffering. If you keep laying on the floor crying every time you feel bad you are only practicing feeling bad and miserable and there will be no end to it. So don’t practice feeling bad, practice healing and peacefulness because you deserve that.

Preventing panic attacks and anxiety:

Loving and forgiving yourself and others by sitting down in a preferably silent space was a big help for me, I used affirmations such as “I love myself” (say this over and over even though your inner voice might say otherwise), “I forgive myself for..”, “I forgive (you can use names of the people/person you wish to forgive) for”. The forgiveness part is a very powerful exercise and I still remember how I started crying when I said it to myself for the first time. I could feel all the regret, guilt from past mistakes and bad decisions coming up inside. Once you keep saying it over and over and keep telling yourself that you forgive yourself and others for every decision, every mistake and suffering you/them might have caused, you will experience true liberation and inner peace.You must do this every day to really feel a change, because like everything else in life this also takes time and patience. For me it took a couple of weeks. Remember forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others but it doesn’t mean they should not be held accountable for what they did or that they were right. It just means that you are ready to let go of the pain and suffering you have been holding on to for so long that is holding you back from living a happy, healthy and peaceful life. Other things you can do to prevent attacks and also heal yourself is exercising, doing things you like/love, let family and friends or even strangers help you when they offer and if not seek help yourself even if it feels like the hardest thing to do. For many years of my life I didn’t have any help and it was hard, so hard that I many time considered just killing myself. But once I reached out I found my therapist who helped me to help myself get out of the mess I had created.

Continue Reading Part 2 – Overcoming panic attacks and anxiety