I can’t believe I had to write that headline, and no, it’s not from the Onion.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) is currently conducting a study that is trying to figure out why 75% of lesbians are fat, and gay men are not. By the way, this study isn’t anything new, as it is currently in its fifth year. According to the Free Beacon, this summer the study was granted $658,485, bringing the total spent by taxpayers to $3,531,925.



Source: Creatas via Getty Images

A paper published by the study’s head, S. Bryn Austin, states: “Latent transition analyses revealed that sexual minority males (i.e., mostly heterosexual, gay, and bisexual) were more likely than completely heterosexual males to be lean-concerned at ages 17-18 and 19-20 years and to transition to the lean-concerned class from the healthy class.”

So far, the study has yet to find out what any straight woman looking into a mirror, or man throwing out ones in a strip club can tell you — men are visual animals, and thus anyone attempting to attract a man would do well to make sure you look visually appealing. Women are less swayed by body image than men, and therefore don’t have to pay much mind to how they look when attracting another woman.

There you go — I saved you millions.

The sad part, is that obesity is hardly an epidemic for lesbians compared to the real threat of same sex domestic violence, which seems to run rampant within the community at 35.4% for women, and receives very little attention at all.

Hailing from Austin, Texas, Brandon Morse has been writing about politics and culture across many websites for the last six years, with a heavy emphasis on anti-authoritarianism. Aside from writing articles, he is also known for voice acting and authoring scripts. He is an avid gamer, dog person, and has a bad habit of making vague references to things no one has heard about or seen. Follow him at @TheBrandonMorse on Twitter.

Click through the gallery below to read more from Morse in his previous EveryJoe columns:

Skip this Ad Next ADVERTISEMENT





































Freedom





Photo by Roman Slavik/Getty Images We all want safety, but freedom isn't safe Photo by Roman Slavik/Getty Images

Cologne Attacks





Photo by Sascha Schuermann/Getty Images When it comes to the horrific attacks in Cologne, where are the feminists with their outrage Photo by Sascha Schuermann/Getty Images

College Protests





Photo: “Bauer sanbernardino”. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.5 via Wikipedia Shame these social justice obsessed students, shame their professors more Photo: “Bauer sanbernardino”. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.5 via Wikipedia

Political Leanings





Photo by Pablographix / Getty Images The political spectrum is a line not a graph.Photo by Pablographix / Getty Images

Free Speech





Photo by benjaminec/Getty Images Free speech will win, whether you like it or not Photo by benjaminec/Getty Images

Gun Control





Photo by Bytmonas/Getty Images There are many things that we can take away from this buried Harvard gun control study Photo by Bytmonas/Getty Images

Note to Internet Feminists





Photo by Volkan Analan / Getty Images There’s always some third-waver going on about how she’s the victim of the worst kinds of behavior from the denizens of the world wild web. Take note -- the internet isn't always nice Photo by Volkan Analan / Getty Images

Don't Ignore Them





Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen / Getty Images Conservatives need to stop ignoring famous dumb people Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen / Getty Images

Feminine vs Feminism





Photo by IPGGutenbergUKLtd/Getty Images Many strong women are rejecting the weak ideas of today's feminists.Photo by IPGGutenbergUKLtd/Getty Images

Hillary is Not Rand Paul’s Problem, Bernie Is





Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images To get his campaign back on track, Rand Paul needs to put a message out to those libertarians who are currently being fooled by Bernie Sanders’ rhetoric.Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Consent Contracts

Planned Parenthood Scandal

Every organization or person who endorses or defends Planned Parenthood is implicit in helping to facilitate this business, and they need to be made to own it

19th Amendment

One common myth is that prior to 1920 no women in America were able to vote. That simply isn't true

Jesus

Election 2016

She's officially thrown her hat in the ring. Read Brandon Morse's opinions on Clinton -- Hillary: A Rant for the Rest of Us

How Low Can They Go?

A Sheepdog In Wolf’s Clothing

Morse takes on Benevolent Sexism

Right in the Childhood