WASHINGTON—Calling the problem an unfortunately common occurrence, the Laborers’ International Union of North America announced new regulations Thursday aimed at reducing the number of escaped babies crawling on steel I-beams hanging precariously in the air. “When jobsites around the country being are thrown into disarray every day by curious infants who have somehow found their way onto thin metal bars dangling beside the upper floors of rising skyscrapers, we have no choice but to act,” said LIUNA General President Terry O’Sullivan, mandating that going forward, crews would be required to have other I-beams that could miraculously swing into place and extend the babies’ paths, as well as large white cloth sheets to break any potential falls. “Furthermore, and because these incidents are so often related, we also recommend that workers check for any slippery grease puddles or loose boards that could fly up and hit someone in the face, such as a sleepwalker, a cat burglar, or a hapless father searching for his missing toddler.” The move comes after four babies in the past two weeks fell off of I-beams and plunged into vats of wet concrete, emerging frozen solid but otherwise unharmed.

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