Men Not to Fuck in 2k17

It took me a long time to write this - as opposed to last year when the list came fast and furious in a Nyquil-fueled haze. I tried to write it in December, and then January, and then I promised myself it’d be done by the 20th.

But for a brief moment in time, fucking felt so beside the point. If the US had elected a fascist, all bets were off. Fuck a hole in the wall, for all I care.

But do I want you fucking a man without a bed frame? No, of course not! I want more for you. And, if you don’t have principles in your bed, no way you’ll have them in the streets.

So here it is - my heteronormative as fuck list of men not to fuck. (All laws from 2016 are still in effect.)

1. Dweebs - Dweebs are bad. Full stop. Dweebs watched a lot of movies in the 90s that lionized people who were bullied and took it way too much to heart. I had a lot of relatives die as a kid but you don’t see me bringing it up every time I’m a dick to someone. I get someone called you a gay slur as a kid (you must, in this moment, emphasize that you are straighttttt), but that doesn’t a hate crime make. Dweebs are one intense Reddit thread away from starting on their journey to neo-nazism. Do not fuck.

2. Men with a Certain Style - If men were able to transfer the curse of the high-heeled shoe exclusively to women by commodifying sex, common sense tells us that the commodification of sex can move mountains. If you want to get a haircut that could be called “fashy” feel free to go for it, but know that you’ll be doing it with your dick in your hand.

3. Liars - Since America decided to let their racism take the wheel in the voting booth and elect a man who is not even charming enough to be called a “grifter,” your life is full up on lies. You straight up don’t have room in your skull for another lie. Move on.

4. Men Who Talk Too Much - “Too much” is a metric that every woman must decide for herself, but it must be decided. For me, “too much” has been a hard-forged definition hammered out over countless, pussy-drying trivia nights. If a man leans over me to give another man a Simpsons reference, this girl is out. You’ll hear no end of men in 2017 talking too much nonsense about nothing. Value your voice and save his by saying “bye” when you meet.

5. Men Who Consume but Do Not Produce - Consumption is not an identity. You can watch as many corny movies as you want but this does not a personality make. We turn to the ancient proverb: “If a Stepbrothers quote falls in the woods and no one is around it to hear it, does it constitute a joke?” No, it doesn’t. People should produce and consume in equal measure. It doesn’t matter so much what he produces - a good scrambled egg, art about men who kiss hats, a baseball blog - just produce SOMETHING.

6. Men without Unique Beliefs - I have three beliefs: 1. Everyone should join their local library, 2. Nicki Minaj is one of the best musical artists of my lifetime, and 3. If you can vote, you must vote. Now, some of these may be problematic or wrong, but they are my own. A man you fuck should have unique beliefs - not those he absorbed from his family or a football coach - but those he arrived at at his own. Whether or not you can live with said beliefs is up to you, but he should have some.

7. Irony Boys and Internet Men - Irony is the haven of the removed. Irony is the ultimate shelter - are you really saying something? We’ll never know. You could be kidding using a rhetorical device that shields you from ever taking a firm stance in anything, including a relationship! LOL.

8. Men Without an Emotional Vocabulary - The ultimate in adulthood accessories is the ability to say clearly and honestly, “This is how I feel and why.” We’re in a miasma of shit in 2017 and playing “what did he mean in this text” won’t be cute any longer. State your feelings upfront and, preferably, on the phone.

9. Men Who Don’t Read - Here, I am not talking about the illiterate, so don’t even try to be cute. Illiteracy is a complicated issue. Reading is not. Can you read? OK, do it. Pick up a book and pick it up fast. Every day you’ll face a president who has maaaybe skimmed a book. You want a man who reads books. A John Irving? Sure. A John Grisham? Fine. A Nora Roberts? Fuck him already.

10. La La Land Lovers and the Happily Ignorant - Who in the fuck is La La Land for in the year of our lord 2017? Probably someone who has avoided all news since 2015. You, as a woman who fucks men, cannot be ignorant. You’re buying an IUD, you’re lighting your phone on fire with calls to your representatives, and even your mom is worried about The World at Large. You do not have time! In 2015, sure, you might have had time to explain feminism in bars (I myself, took the bronze in “Patience with the Question ‘What About Men’s Rights?’”). But no longer. You have to get a man who is already up to speed.

11. Men without Plans - My mother told me to always have a backup plan. She has three different kinds of licenses to sell things - insurance, real estate, and a third thing. Mothers know. You have to be prepared for anything. In 2017, you find a man with one solid plan because you know you have 10.

12. The Proud/Never Wrongs - Pride goes before you don’t fall into my bed. Those too proud to be wrong will never be brave enough to be right. 2017 is a year to dare to be right and therefore risk being wrong. There are so many people who will be aggressive and insistent that they are right. Don’t fuck those without humility in 2017.

13. The Vain - A man who lives in a gold leaf place is going to be president. In 2017, I can’t give a shit about optics. (NOTE: Vanity is not the same as giving a fuck. A lack of hygiene and style does not a lack of vanity make.)

14. The Unlabeled - So many people in 2017 are going to face true strife due to the labels applied to them. If applying a label to your relationship is a bridge too far for the man you’re fucking, get the fuck away from him now.

15. The Conspiracy Theorist - No explanation. Video below.

This list will be ongoing, because men keep being alive in new and terrible ways.