The other night I met up with a girl I’d met online. Despite having a stripped-down profile that revealed very little about her sexual appetites, I went in optimistic about getting laid that night. In my head, I’d somehow ascertained she had “slut face,” and was therefore more likely than others to put out. Before every date—as a sort of silly little game with myself—I like to set a percentage for the likelihood that I’ll get laid that night. I adjust it up or down throughout the evening depending on certain cues, and how well I figure my game is landing. Hers started at an aggressive 25 percent, meaning that I’d assessed, going in, I had a 1-in-4 chance of banging this girl on the first date–all before having ever spoken a word to her.

When I got the girl to my apartment later that night, her number jumped from 40 to 60 percent. It had already been climbing steadily from its starting point thanks to a series of subtle slut tells she’d been emitting at the bar. When we started making out, her responsiveness pushed the number to 75 percent. When she announced “I’m not having sex with you,” it climbed to 90 percent. Most experienced womanizers recognize that statement as more-times-than-not a girl’s final, feeble pawing at her sex snooze-button. When, after increasingly spirited making-out, I reached for her pants button, she confessed, “I want to have sex, but guys don’t respect girls who have sex on the first date. And, [in a disappointed tone] I’m on my period.” 98 percent.

I responded, with a smirk and joking tone, “If it makes you feel any better I already don’t respect you. I’ll go get a red towel. Go take out that tampon.” She laughed and ran to the bathroom. 100 percent. I don’t normally have sex during periods, but make exceptions for new bangs.

There are no guarantees in life, but I felt increasingly confident throughout the night that I could bang this girl. Why? Because she’d displayed a double-digit count of my classic slut tells.

Tuthmosis’s Abridged List of Slut Tells

1. Has tattoos. This is especially the case if they’re visible, multiple, large, and elaborate. If they have sexual themes, you’re in like Flynn.

2. Piercings outside of the traditional earlobe placement. Sluttiness increases as you radiate from the lobe, to other parts of the ear, to the nose crumb, to the bull-ring. Other parts of the face—and erogenous zones—speak even louder.

3. Has “slut face.” You either recognize it or you don’t.

4. Cusses a lot. Especially if she uses the words “fuck,” “pussy,” or “cock” outside of the bedroom.

5. Not ticklish. I’ve noticed that girls who aren’t ticklish aren’t so because they’re used to being handled (by men). Almost every prude is super ticklish, while sluts are rarely so. Sluts may have a physical response to light touching, but it’s rarely a tickled sensation.

6. Broaches the topic of illegal drugs (even marijuana) without prompting. The more illegal, the sluttier.

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7. Has big tits. They probably came in early, which translates into additional years of male attention.

8. Shows excessive skin for weather conditions. Exposes the midriff, lower back, or ass-piece from the bottom of her daisy-dukes even when it’s not super-hot.

9. Has extra body hair (arms, girl-sideburns, girl-mustache) and/or a low speaking voice. This, I’m told, is simple biology. More hair and low voice equals more testosterone. It’s an imperfect metric, though, because women of certain ethnicities are just more hirsute by default.

10. Associates with confirmed sluts. Her friends are often one of your best weathervanes. Birds of a feather, as they say.

11. Shows interests in girls, has “hooked up” with girls, or claims to be “bi-sexual.” Bi-sexuality has quickly become a stand-in for hyper-sexuality.

12. Is currently, or was at some point, in a sorority. Sororities are little more than pussy buffets for the campus fraternities.

13. Has traveled alone, or with only girls, to fuck-fest locations (e.g., Jamaica). This is often a tell-tale sign of a sex-on-vacation-doesn’t-count case.

14. Was a cheerleader in high school. Cheerleaders have, and exploit, access to the most desirable and horniest dudes at school.

15. Went, or goes, to a known party college (e.g., Arizona State, USC, UC Santa Barbara). Girls are copycats, and when all of her friends “are doing it” (whatever “it” is), they do too. (See No. 10.)

16. Lost her virginity on the younger side (15 and down). The earlier they start, the longer they tend to ride the carousel.

17. Likes tequila shots or party drugs (e.g., Extasy/MDMA). These are the drugs of choice for the promiscuous.

18. Is “friends” with DJs, promoters, or other small-time pseudo-celebs. This is a world in which the gears are lubricated with pussy—even more directly than others.

19. Is an artist, or a wannabe “model” who has done “photo shoots.” Girls in the arts tend to have a loose attitude toward sex, especially if their “art” involves “expressing themselves” with their body.

20. Broaches the topic of sex first. This may seem like a no-brainer, but they often do so in subtle ways that can seem plausibly deniable. They never are.

21. Has a bad relationship with her father and/or has divorced parents. “Daddy issues” are classic, but accurate predictors of her relationship to men and sex.

22. Describes herself as a feminist or with any of its jargon (“pansexual,” “demi-sexual,” “cis-gendered”). You may not be able to stand a feminist long enough to bang her yourself but, in trying to prove she can do everything a man can do, she likely fucks with impunity.

23. Has an even, nice tan that she maintains. Girls with even, perfect tans spend a lot of time semi-naked, often in semi-public.

24. Hair dyed a nontraditional color (e.g., blue). Like piercings and tattoos, dyed hair telegraphs “rebellion” to social norms. That almost always translates into sluttiness.

Whether you use them to get laid more reliably, or to avoid wifeing up the town bike, these cues should be on every man’s slut radar. Sure, there are exceptions to all of them. You could meet a nun with a tattoo, or a ticklish slut, but these are—especially the more of them that are evident—some of most accurate predictors of sluttiness you’ll encounter.

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