Actress Michelle Rodriguez has been very open about how grief shattered her world when close friend and fellow “Fast and Furious” actor, Paul Walker died.

In fact, Rodriguez just appeared in the new documentary by Michael Zapolin, “The Reality of Truth.” “When I lost Paul, I went through a year of just being like an animal, like, what could I do, physically, to just get my mind off of existentialism? Get my mind off of how transient life is and how we just come here and can disappear at any moment,” she said in a clip of posted by TMZ.

Rodriguez took Ayahuasca tea to go on a spiritual journey where she found that, more than grieving the loss of her friend, she was jealous of him. “I’ll tell you that my Ayahuasca trip made me sad that he left me here,” she said, before bursting out laughing. It wasn’t a sadness that he’s gone; it was more like a jealousy that he’s there first.”

Around the same time last year, Rodriguez opened up about the shock of losing Walker and how it had caused her to somewhat lose it. “I went pretty crazy. A lot of the stuff I did last year I would never do had I been in my right mind.”

On the tabloids, it seemed like the actress was having a pretty fun time while being photographed with alleged girlfriend British supermodel Cara Delevingne, partying on a yacht with Justin Bieber and reportedly dating, almost simultaneously, “Neighbors” star Zac Efron. Rodriguez says these things were done in an attempt to push herself to feel, but instead she was in fact trying to ignore everything she was feeling. “I felt like nothing I could do could make me feel alive, so I just kept pushing myself harder and harder.”