PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday. “Dagnabbit! They got away again,” said the lawmen, spitting out the sides of their mouths and stomping on their wide-brimmed Stetsons as the car filled with “the worst miscreants ever seen in these parts” faded into the distance. “Get back here, you no-good, dirty varmints! Tell me, is every deputy in this department a goldarned ignoramus? ’Cause I told you sorry sons-a-bitches to keep an eye on ’em! Well, don’t just stand there, Rudy—get on the radio and see if you can raise the highway patrol. Them outlaws will be halfway to Alabam’ ’fore we know it.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s hornswoggled sheriffs were furiously slapping their steering wheels upon realizing their cars wouldn’t start.

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