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Most people know that we build powerful business intelligence dashboards here at RJMetrics, but now that we’ve moved to Camden, we figured we ought to take advantage of the long weekend and make a rap video as well. (Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against us– Jake’s favorite rapper is Bo Burnham and I’m so tone deaf that I crashed the auto-tune plugin when we recorded this song.)

Anyway, in what may prove to be the dumbest PR move ever, we decided to augment our dope beats with some unsolicited free advice to tech startups. This was our chance to point out some of the most absurd startup behavior over the past few years. We should know–most of these lines are based on things we’ve done.

Lyrics are below the video. Enjoy!

Big thanks to Adamack from Open Minds Entertainment for the beat, John Keating for his help with the vocals, and my brother James Moore for the studio time and production.

Click Here to download the MP3

Lyrics after the jump.

Lyrics:

This recessionary period ain’t messin’ around

I got depression-era economics gettin me down

The internet it ain’t immune, man, everybody’s gettin’ screwed

And yeah it’s true you know, web two-dot-oh is dead in the ground

VC’s drying up, M&A? outta luck

And the rub is you’ll be strugglin’ if your company sucks

Stuck scratchin your head? You’ll be dead in the water

Here’s a couple signs that you’re gonna get slaughtered:

Your six-month peak was a TechCrunch mention

Your churn rate’s deep, you got no retention

You join AdSense and declare success

But your cloud tag’s only got one word: “test”

You built a couple widgets and a wiki that scales

And then you paid your people double cause they did it in rails

But, how you doin’ in sales? I know it’s probably slow, yo

‘Cause I need some aviators just to look at your logo

You got no revenue

Burnin’ cash is all you do

You raised your Series A

Twice-preferred, participating

You’re throwin staff retreats

Better check your balance sheet

Everyone’s convinced

You need business intelligence

See you lata, public beta, do a real release

The whole long tail couldn’t even save this piece

Got a social app? Well, it’s a disgrace, look

‘Cause Facebook can’t even make money on Facebook

You got a podcast, but the point you’re missin’s

Your vision’s so weak, ain’t no one listenin’

SecondLife sales? Man, that plan is the worst

I think you shoulda made a dollar in your first life first

Meet-Ups every day, when you go, pros scatter

You’re LinkedIn to 500+ but none matter

Tryin’ to be distributed, you wanna unbound

But you know nothin’ bout computing, get your head out the cloud

Your API’s slow, it’s a bit too RESTful

Quit tryin’ to grow at a clip, was too stressful

Debt breakin’ covenants, they’re rollin’ it back

Yeah you got all of your investor’s tryin’ to call in a MAC

Not grabbing market share

Market isn’t even there

You think you’re doin’ fine

In stealth mode since ‘99

You’re tweeting constantly

LOL @bankruptcy

You don’t know SEO

You paid for links but they’re nofollowed

Had millions in the bank

Still have no Alexa Rank

Burn out or get acquired

Either way you’re gettin’ fired

Your angel round is gone

Blew it on a favicon

Everyone’s convinced

You need business intelligence

You signed a 10-year lease

I wouldn’t give you 10 weeks

You Loved “Who Moved My Cheese?”

Retire, please

Your dedicated server farm is bladed, thats slick

Although you probably woulda made it on an 386

Because your invite-only system, dude it’s hurtin’, it’s flawed

See, all those people you invited ain’t returnin your calls

And it’s only 9-to-5ers who surround your scene

Because Adultfriendfinder’s where you found your team

Tried to hire talent but you screwed it up, didn’tcha

‘Cause your wanted add said you were hirin’ ninjas

Yeah we know we’re hypocrites for doin this song

And then promotin’ it by posting on the company blog

But a new day is dawnin’, the strong they can sense it

Darwin is comin’ to the ‘net with a vengeance

If you’re sittin on a winner, yo, you wanna be strapped

So if you want to push it harder, best be trackin your stats

And I ain’t talkin’ bout your traffic, man I’m way past that

Wanna fatten up your stacks? Let’s chat…

Business Intelligence… (repeat)