Down Home in Visalia: How to Drive

Editor's note: 'Down Home in Visalia' is a community, discussion, and memories Facebook group that is interesting, diverse, insightful, and fun.

HOW TO DRIVE IN VISALIA:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: VI-SAYL-YA, it is not ViZ-ZELYA'.

There are other names to learn such as Kaweah and San Joaquin, but those will be included in the advanced course.

2. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 75 mph. On Highway 99, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy’.

NOTE - Do not try to match the highway number on 198.

3. The prime directive in dense fog is: If you can’t can’t see it, it’s not there!

3a. At least 20 percent of you should believe that dense fog doesn't have any effect on the safe speed to drive. The same 20 percent should also not turn on your lights as you can see just fine without them.

3b. In extremely dense fog, match the speed of any vehicle that passes you and maintain visual contact with its tail lights. If you are passed by an even faster vehicle, do it again. Repeat as many times as you are passed by faster vehicles.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Visalia has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; trucks with the biggest tires go second; however, north-side, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly assaulted.

6. If you make three green lights in a row, pull over at the first mini-mart you come to and immediately buy a lottery ticket.

7. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you assaulted.

8. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Visalia. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

9. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, 2-by-4's, shredded tires, trees, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately and let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be assaulted.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

13. It's a sport to make a yellow light from at least 500 feet away.

14. The best location to draft another vehicle to improve your fuel economy is smack-dab in the middle of its 'blind spot'.

15. On a family day trip to Sequoia National Park, all 19 suitcases should be strapped to your roof and trunk so they entirely block the view behind you. This will allow you to ignore the angry line of cars you're leading as you drive up the hill at an overheating and slipping transmission 14 mph pace all the way to the Giant Forest.

16. If a sports car out accelerates your pickup or 4-cylinder car from a traffic light or freeway on-ramp without even actually trying, you should immediately do a fly-by to shame the driver and show them that your vehicle is capable of going a full 10 miles per hour over the speed limit.

The ‘How to Drive in Visalia’ post was created after seeing similar posts on Facebook about other cities and tailored it to be more Visalia specific. Group members then suggested additions and we happily added several of them to the list.