BERKELEY, CA—In a new study that explores the potentially traumatic effects of habitual caffeine consumption when combined with life-altering news, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Tuesday that coffee drinkers are at a dramatically increased risk of having their mugs crash to the floor in slow motion upon hearing their father has died. “We’ve found significant evidence that drinking even one cup of coffee daily exposes you to increased risk of your mug slowly falling from your suddenly lifeless grasp in the moments after you learn of your father’s untimely passing—whether from a tearful family member, a kind-faced police officer at your doorstep, or a local TV anchor narrating over footage of your dad’s car being pulled from the water,” said lead researcher Marie Romero, who noted the plunging mug is part of a list of symptoms that includes everything going silent as the mouth slowly forms the word “nooooo.” “Our research indicates that coffee drinkers are the most likely to be overwhelmed by memories of their father as their mugs shatter, forgotten, at their feet, spreading coffee across the white tile, a heartrending reminder of the fragility of life and the suddenness with which everything can change forever.” The study also found that tea drinkers have a genetic predisposition to react to their fathers’ sudden passing by slowly placing their cup back in the saucer, politely thanking the bearer of the dreadful news, showing them out of the study, and quietly but firmly shutting the door.

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