Recently, Fox News prophet Bill O’Reilly made some statements on the O’Reilly Factor about the “myth” of White Privilege®. Also recently, it was revealed that Hello Kitty, the pride of Japan, is not only not a cat, but white – British White to be exact. She’s so white her last name is White!

O’Reilly-San argues:

“The median income for Asians, close to $69,000 a year; it’s 57,000 for whites’ $33,000 for black — so the question becomes why? And the answer is found in stable homes and in emphasis on education; 88 percent of Asian Americans graduate from high school compared to 86 for whites and just 69 percent for blacks. That means 31 percent of African-Americans have little chance to succeed in the free marketplace because they are uneducated. They are high school dropouts.”

If you’re like me and you can’t stand reading big blocks of quoted text, here’s the Cliff Notes / Chinese proverb version:

“Asians are kicking everyone’s butts. Kicking them hard.”

But anyone reading this blog knows that and it’s why you MUST work harder at being Chinese. If not for you, then for your children. In fact, this is the only site on the internet dedicated to helping you become more Chinese. It’s the Definitive Guide. It says so right on the home page. Tell a friend! Follow us on Facebook! Or that bird social network.

Back to Hello Kitty: She’s WHITE and NOT A CAT! Upon hearing this, many little Asian girls are bleaching their skin.

You see, Hello Kitty White is a role model. Hello Kitty is something that hordes of Chinese girls and young women swoon over. And even if no one knows anything about her personal history or species, and she and her non-animal friends could be some demon worshipping coven, everything from Hello Kitty waffle irons to Hello Kitty tampon applicators to Hello Kitty Volkswagens that are branded with the white, bow-haired, expressionless cat, are as good as Bitcoin. After all, anyone who has a toaster made of them must be super.

So here’s the truth: Asians, while striving to be this white, privileged not-cat Hello Kitty and (doing what most Asians do, which is to go completely overboard on something), accidentally bested Whites (i.e. Real-Americans) at being white.

Let’s say it again: We just happen to be better at being white than Real-Americans. In a free marketplace, you just got your shit handed to you, Whitey. We’re just genetically better at being white than you, like only blacks can make good BBQ, only short people can ride horses, only men can (and want to) eat at Jack in the Box.

Shockingly, O’Reilly-San is wrong about motivation.

You see, Real-Chinese don’t care about family. They care about legacy. The difference is: If you care about family, you want what’s best for them and for them to be happy. There’s a joke about a happy Chinese kid: he works at Jack in the Box. If you care about legacy, you’re more like the Lannisters of Casterly Rock – doing anything you can to your family so it’s best for the family. “Happiness” and “what’s best for them” are so middle class, so Starks of Winterfell. And all it’s going to get you is your head on a spike and your wedding ruined.

Also we don’t get divorces because then you’d have even more family to deal with.

Chinese also don’t care about education. They care about money. If you can be successful without education, you’re worshipped just the same. Sure, some education is beneficial so you can properly size up your enemies in a neutral site. But you know, given the crippled state of America’s education system, it’s hardly a fair fight, is it?

Where did Hello Kitty go to school? What did she study? Did she get good grades? Who cares.

She’s a billionaire. A privileged white billionaire who had some seriously bizarre plastic surgery to look like a cat.

Holy Confucius!

Hello Kitty is a Furry!

Photo Credit: ninacoco via Compfight cc