Safety net. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard those words in the past year. I connected that term with a sense of comfort in my life; feelings of security and my overall wellbeing. Safety net, to me, meant an atmosphere that would never bring me any harm. Safety is defined as ‘the condition of being protected from danger, risk, or injury.” If we continue to actually define safety net itself, we would find ‘a safeguard against possible hardship’. Ironically, while I read these definitions, the truth was I don’t know if I ever felt safe. I never fell asleep or woke up feeling coddled in a sunken, overwhelmingly secure net. For me, it isn’t even a net; it’s a hammock. A tightly knitted weave of rope, each intertwining, creating the illusion of a solid, secure structure. I’m amazed and frightened about how quickly lives can change. Our future plans turn into distant memories instantly. Now becomes then, we become I, and a home becomes a house.

From my experience, life doesn’t respect the nets you weave or the plans you make. It doesn’t wait for your dates to come, or is mindful of those that have passed. No matter how secure, how tightly you weave your life out, or how removed from the real world you make yourself, life has a way of flipping the switch and resetting it all. Life shows us that sometimes our paths aren’t always in our control. In the past few months, I’ve been quickly snapped away from my cushiony, fluffy net and tossed into a new reality. A reality far away from a net I thought would never break. Danger, risk, and injury were at my door, and a safeguard from possible hardship was a world away. My ‘safety’ hammock began to tear, rope by rope, until finally dropping me through it and out into the unknown. And in this massive drop, I’ve been searching for solid ground, in an empty and unknown space, grasping for netting, and yearning for safety. In this free-falling state, I’ve realized that the ‘safety net’ I thought I knew, was not the same safety I believed to be cocooning me; an emotional security. That in the end, all the materialistic items one can offer, will never provide you with the emotional safety needed in a relationship. It doesn’t provide support for you to create and accept yourself, or give you a place to speak open and freely. The rush we feel to ‘make it’, to have the house and the white picket fence, will not equip you with the elements needed in a true and honest partnership. No matter how many flowers you plant, venues you book, or furniture you assemble, possessions don’t mean anything. There are no amounts of stuff that will provide you with the assurance and confidence needed in a healthy relationship. What I now know is that a true partnership must be deeply rooted with trust, friendship, taking accountability for your own faults, and a rock solid understanding of the idea of ‘team’. That, together, no matter what life throws your way, or how tired you may feel after a day’s work, nothing can penetrate ‘the team’. After many conversations, I’ve come to hear a common tune; a wedding is easy, it’s marriage that’s hard. It’s the end goal, oh-so many years later, when you look back at the hurdles you jump and trenches crawled through together, that you truly appreciate your partner-in-crime. It’s there you realize you wouldn’t change a thing because it brought you to where you are today. Some are up for the journey, and others aren’t. I think we forget the amount of love and support that swarms around us. We feel as if we are alone. We’re wrong. We never really know how much love is present in our life until it’s really needed. With eyes wide open, amazed and stunned with warmth, you can see the flood of love and support flow in and through. I’m learning each day what true emotional security looks and feels like, and every hour I learn how far away from that I really was.

I’ve discovered that materials and promises can never replace the true support and honesty needed in a teammate, and that life is not interested in your 5, 10, 25 year plans. We have to live each hour, as wildly cliché as it sounds, because that’s the only thing that’s real . Who knows how today will end, where you’ll be, and who you’ll meet tomorrow. That gives me excitement, butterflies, and a rush for life I didn’t know was there.

My friend has an amazing blog, A Solo Affair. In her post, Without An Anchor, she confesses she’s been, “floating through my days…I have nothing that anchors me to my life. I feel unbalanced and without an anchor”. At the time, her words really hit home for me. #goingthroughitsister. As I read on, her friend offered her up a piece of advice that would never have crossed my mind. She said, “it would be impossible to grow and redefine yourself with restrictions. That this time, this empty and unknowable space… is actually a space for defining a new me and creating a new beginning. That with an anchor in tow, that crucial part of creation would not be possible.” I must’ve sat there for a good five minutes just staring at the screen, until finally, a huge smile took over my face. Filled with hope, and what felt like a whirlwind of energy, I felt enthusiastic for my own story, my own creation, my own life. Every now and then I pull up that post and reread her friends advice, and without a doubt, after every read, that fire burns a little stronger. #youdoyouboo. Surround yourselves with good, honest humans. Be grateful for your friends and family. Love hard and forgive easily. All I know is that in times like these, you realize where your true netting lies.