UK police have blocked a legal bid to trace Prince Andrew’s bodyguards’ movements on the night he allegedly had sex with an underage girl.

The police have defended accusations of being ‘lazy’ or even covering up for the Prince, by stating that it is standard protocol to hang all sensitive documents by a thin piece of string over a garbage can fire.

“There is absolutely no truth in the fact the police are hindering any investigation into Prince Andrew,” said a spokesperson for the Met, “We have always stored sensitive files in that manner; be it over a flaming garbage can, on a wobbly stool next to a giant shredder, or coated in honey and thrown into a pit full of rats.”

The Mirror Online submitted a Freedom of Information Act request hoping that the movements of his bodyguards would help prove his whereabouts.

London’s Met police rejected the request, citing national security concerns.

“This isn’t some Orwellian state,” the Met responded, “Nonce or not, he’s got as much privacy as everybody else.”

The Mirror are now hoping to trace the Prince’s bowel movements and locate any remains from the night, in an attempt to analyse it for any ingredients found throughout the Pizza Express menu.