Image from yeowatzup on Wikipedia

There are many statues and images of the Supreme Leaders in the Democratic Republic of North Korea, and as a visitor, you must abide by some rules. Breaking these rules will result in life imprisonment, followed by the one-by-one removal of your toes.

Rules for Taking Photos of Supreme Leaders

You are welcome to take photographs of Supreme Leader statues and images, but you must capture them in their entirety. This restriction has been noted by your feeble Western press, so ignorance is no excuse, even if you are American.

As an insubordinate foreigner, you’ll want to know why this rule is in place. These are the reasons you must capture the Supreme Leaders in their entirety:

Supreme Leaders are tall and powerful. Their composition is perfect and must remain as one heavenly unit at all times.

A picture of half the face of a Supreme Leader might look as though he’s peeking over a wall, and a Supreme Leader never has to peek. He looks where he pleases.

Everything about a Supreme Leader’s face is exquisite. Just exquisite. Additional chins are evidence of strength.

Extreme close-ups may make a Supreme Leader’s nose look bigger than it actually is, besmirching his matchless, exquisite beauty.

A Supreme Leader’s teeth are the most dazzling objects in the observable universe. Taking a close-up will result in blindness, and we are not liable for many blind people.

Although Supreme Leaders are the most famous people in the universe, some dotards won’t recognize them in a cropped image. A Supreme Leader cannot be mistaken for someone else by ignorant racists or those who don’t appreciate sculpture.

The Supreme Leaders are flawless. Why would you not want to capture every inch of them, you heedless imbecile?

Rules for Folding Images of Supreme Leaders

You cannot fold an image of a Supreme Leader, such as those on banknotes, or in the Pyongyang Times. Again, you should already know about this because of your pathetic Western Press. All pictures, newspapers, and banknotes containing pictures of Supreme Leaders must remain unfolded, no matter how much they flap about in the strong DPRK wind.

As a dissentious foreigner with too much freedom, you’ll want to know why. These are the reasons that you cannot fold an image of a Supreme Leader:

A Supreme Leader’s body is tougher than all of the bodies of the world combined. Folding their image would be disregarding this fact.

A Supreme Leader’s face was chiseled by angels and is sublime. Folding a Supreme Leader’s face would be like folding your Mona Lisa, even though we know that your Mona Lisa is worthless when compared to a picture of a Supreme Leader.

Supreme Leaders are tall and powerful and must not be made shorter, less imposing, or more comical by folding.

Folding the Supreme Leader’s face in unusual ways is a desecration to his peerless beauty. The impudent dog responsible for this image was hunted down and forced to eat his own intestines.

Every image of a Supreme Leader’s face is a wondrous miracle. Why would you fold a miracle, you heedless imbecile?

Note: We will take your passport for safe-keeping when you arrive in the Democratic Republic of North Korea, and fold it however we like.

Please enjoy your stay in the glorious Democratic Republic of North Korea and take many appropriate pictures! We will check your camera before you leave.