You will never guess who’s soon to be winning. Well, unless you read the title. Or are remotely familiar with tired pundit tropes.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and Nigel Farage LARPing Academy (jokes torn unceremoniously from today’s headlines like a soggy Band-Aid!), Ben Sin says everything’s coming up Samsung! A-gain.

“With iPhone 7 Likely To Disappoint, This Fall Is Samsung's Time To Strike.”

Samsung is ever the coiled viper, Apple the unsuspecting and well-fattened bunny with a limp.

According to Sin, the iPhone 7 will be nothing but a in-flight fail sandwich from the food cart of Yesterday’s News Airlines, as Apple saves all its thunder for the iPhone 8 in 2017.

I made that assumption based on early leaks from Apple insiders. While those sources are highly reliable, they are still of the “niche” variety.

MY SOURCES ARE UNIMPEACHABLE. One of these guys literally works at the Orange Julius two doors down and across the way from the Minnetonka Apple Store.

(The Macalope originally wrote in “Cinnabon” instead of “Orange Julius” but then he decided, no, phoning it in like that is no good for his readers, so he went to the web site for the Ridgedale Center in Minnetonka. What’s actually two doors down and across the way from the Apple Store? Dairy Queen/Orange Julius. Boom. The horny one is sure that it’s this level of detail to a stupid joke that keeps his readers coming back for more stupid jokes.)

…now even the very mainstream Wall Street Journal (who also has a good track record with Apple leaks)…

I AM JUST LIKE THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.

…has confirmed that the iPhone 7 will likely disappoint the general public.

CONFIRMED. IPHONE 7 A SNOOZE SALAD WITH ENNUI DRESSING FROM AU BORE PAIN.

Why is the iPhone 7 so decidedly, verifiably lackluster? Because it will come in the same general shape as the iPhone 6s. That’s the argument.

Let us pause for a moment to review two competing arguments being made about Apple. Another article the Macalope considered writing about for today was about how the iPhone SE selling so well was bad news for Apple because cannibalism, blah, blah, who cares, it’s just another Apple extinction event. So, the iPhone SE, which has the same body shape as the iPhone 5 which came out in 2012, is selling briskly. And, yet, the iPhone 7 will fail because it will have the same body as the noooo, none of this makes any sense. You’re absolutely right.

So now if you’re Samsung, and you’ve been battling Apple in a smartphone war (that has spilled onto the courtroom) for half a decade, and you know the iPhone 7 will likely generate a “huh? this is it?” reaction, then you have to go all-out this fall and take your biggest shot, right?

Now’s the time! Slap together a phone with flying buttresses and a cup holder and enhanced creeper technology!

(No, you stop linking to that ad.)

It’ll be virtually impossible for Samsung to overcome Apple in total profits, but it can push the market share gap further in its favor.

Oh, were we just talking about market share? Dude, nobody cares about market share. We settled that like three years ago.