Emery Wakefield's migraines began in middle school.

Emery had gone to kindergarten through fifth grade at Ridegeway Elementary School. Emery's mom, Lara, said Ridgeway was an accepting environment where the teachers were focused on Emery's overall well-being.

Emery, who has "never really felt like a girl or a boy," bottled up the feelings and the migraines came.

"It gave me some pretty bad mental health problems," Emery said. Emery missed more and more school and fell further and further behind. Emery stayed home and was home-schooled, using an online curriculum from Columbia Public Schools.

Finally, at 14, Emery discovered what it meant to be a non-binary transgender — someone who feels neither male nor female. Emery finally understood those earlier feelings of gender conflict.

Now a 15-year-old ninth grader at Rock Bridge High School, Emery still takes most high school classes online, but goes to the school for an art class twice a week. Emery joined the Gay-Straight Alliance at RBHS. The group meets every Tuesday, and the students are gay, straight and transgender.

"It's kind of safe space for everyone," Emery said.

The Columbia Board of Education in September 2015 added gender identity and gender expression to its nondiscrimination and anti-bullying policies. School officials at the time said the move was meant to protect students who identify as transgender against bullying and discrimination.

Emery has what's called an Individual Support Plan for Gender Identity/Expression, something that developed from the policy additions. Based on a meeting with the student, parents and school personnel, the plan establishes the student's preferred name, preferred pronoun, preferred restroom and locker room or changing room. CPS spokeswoman Michelle Baumstark said a dozen CPS students have the plans. The district also has gender-neutral bathrooms in each school.

Finding ways to accommodate the needs of transgender students is an issue schools across the country are facing, especially after high-profile debates sparked by an Obama administration order over which bathrooms transgender kids should use. There is still plenty of opposition to accommodations such those at CPS, and transgender children and their families say the situation is improving, but they still face struggles in daily life.

Emery said substitute teachers sometimes ignore the teacher's notes.

"The name I go by is not my legal name," Emery said. "We've had to really fight to change the school's system. Whenever there's a substitute teacher, they'll call out my legal name and that feels really bad. It's like a punch in the gut. We call that a dead name. It's kind of dead to us."

Baumstark said if the plan is in place, name change and pronouns should be in the records, including attendance lists.

"If the adjustment has not been officially requested, the official documents might not match," Baumstark said. "Along those same lines, a one-time sub might have more difficulty knowing the ins and outs of students in a particular class versus a long-term sub or full-time teacher who spends more time with students and learns names, nicknames, preferences, etcetera."

Emery said when people don't use the proper pronoun, it's called "misgendering." Emery uses they and them.

"Because I'm non-binary and that's not well-known, I get misgendered in public a lot," Emery said. "It doesn't bother me too much when it's a complete stranger I'll never see again. It's not out of malice. Inadvertent mistakes, I don't mind too much."

RESISTANCE

When the school board adopted the policy changes, members received angry emails from some, including Randy Minchew, a politically active Columbia resident who has run for city council.

"At the end of the day we only have two sexes or genders, male and female, and any accommodations that we make for man-made genders will open a door which will spell the ultimate demise for a productive education environment," Minchew wrote in a Sept.15, 2015 email to then-Columbia Board of Education President Jim Whitt. The emails were obtained through a Missouri Sunshine law request.

Minchew, contacted recently, said he continues to be leery of policies and laws that he says create special protected classes of people, when all students are supposed to be protected against bullying and discrimination.

"I know there's people who struggle with sexual identity," Minchew said, but he said there's a danger when someone of one gender goes into the restroom meant for people of the other gender.

Rick Rowden, former chairman of the Boone County Republican Central Committee, sent an email to Whitt on Sept. 15, 2015, with the subject line "Unbelievable." It read: "CPS Board, your actions tonight prove that you are more interested in being politically correct than to protect our students. It is a sad day in Columbia."

Rowden said the board's action at the time came "out of left field." He said schools can't be all things to all people and that people born as one gender should not be in the bathroom with another gender.

"One of the big problems is the overreach of what school administrators do to circumvent the role of the parent," Rowden said.

But the parents of transgender children say arguments against accommodations miss the point. While the child might have been born in a body of one gender, the person inside does not share that gender. Confining those children to their birth gender causes severe psychological harm, they say. A child's gender identity is apparent early, say parents of transgender children. Lara Wakefield said her child had never wanted to be a Disney princess.

Lara Wakefield said an environment where a child's gender identity is acknowledged and accepted is crucial. She said Emery has two supportive parents, while some transgender youth don't have anyone.

A highlight of Emery's school year has been attending the Rock Bridge Pride Prom in March. This was the first year that all three traditional high schools had the dance for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender students.

"A year ago, because of where my child was mental health-wise, I would never have known that my child could ever go to a school dance and be so happy with friends and enjoy it," Wakefield said.

EMMETT

Emmett Frederick is a 17-year-old junior at Hallsville High School, born female, but transitioning to male. Emmett has been on testosterone for a few months now.

"I didn't even know what transgender was until about three months before I came out, but I always knew I wasn't like the other girls," Emmett said. "Freshman year I kind of experimented with my hair and clothing."

He said he came out in stages, first as pansexual, which is a term for those sexually attracted to all people, regardless of gender. Then Emmett thought he was lesbian, attracted to women, before he realized he was transgender.

"For us, it's been more of an emotional journey and an educational one," his mom, Melinda Adams, said. "Originally, it was just a whole lot of unknowns. Education is power, right? You learn more so you really know what's going on. You're scared. You're scared for your child. Because you read statistics."

In a 2016 study by Cincinnati Children's Hospital, 30 percent of transgender youth reported at least one suicide attempt and nearly 42 percent reported a history of self-injury. There was a higher frequency of suicide attempts among transgender youth who were dissatisfied with their weight. In a U.S. Transgender Survey, 82 percent of transgender people said they had seriously considered killing themselves, and 48 percent had considered it in the previous year. Among respondents who had attempted suicide, 34 percent made their first attempt at age 13 or younger and 75 percent did so before age 18. Transgender youth experiencing harassment, discrimination or assault have higher rates of suicide attempts.

"One of the things that took time to learn was that your relationship doesn't change," Melinda Adams said. At first, she felt like she was grieving the loss of her daughter. She eventually came to embrace Emmett's change.

"I didn't lose my child," Melinda Adams said.

John Adams said Emmett is a constant source of information, such as how gender identity has no relationship to sexual orientation.

"When Emmett came to us and said he wanted to start taking testosterone ... we asked him to gather information about the pros and cons of testosterone. He did a whole presentation," John Adams said.

Emmett said he looks more like a 17-year-old now, where before he looked like a 12-year-old boy. He said testosterone has a downside, too — it increases his risk of heart attack to that of someone born male.

Hallsville High School has been very accepting, the Adamses said.

"They have a high school counselor there who's been a very strong advocate of Emmett," Melinda Adams said of Kellie Austene. When Emmett came out, Melinda Adams told teachers before they saw Emmett.

"My freshman English teacher came up to me in the hall crying and said she was really proud of me," Emmett said.

Emmett plays French horn in the marching band and sings in the choir. He had a part in "The Music Man" last fall.

OLIVER

Oliver Seifert-Gram was interviewed on April 27, his one-year anniversary of starting testosterone. He was at the home in rural Centralia where he lives with his mom, Gretchen Seifert, stepdad, Emmet Schoenwaldt and dog, Lexie.

"I identify as trans-masculine, non-binary," Seifert-Gram said. "I was assigned female at birth. I feel physically more like a masculine person. I don't feel like I'm a male. I am on testosterone and getting top surgery pretty soon. I need to be more masculine to be more comfortable, but not male. Non-binary added to that is just a double emphasis on the fact that I don't fit in the gender binary. I'm not male, but I'm not female."

Seifert-Gram, 22, chooses male pronouns. He has a bachelor's degree from the University of Missouri and is taking a year off before starting graduate school next year, studying clinical psychology. He works at Shakespeare's West in Columbia.

Everyone has masculine and feminine aspects. Seifert-Gram said that in some regards, there's no difference between transgender people and others, that genitalia and clothes do not determine gender.

"Gender is a social construct," he said. "The only thing that gender actually is is an inherent deep feeling in yourself of where you fit and who you are. What makes things feminine and masculine is society. The difference might be that you've never had to think about it. We all have that deep and inherent sense of our gender."

He said when he was about 4 years old, he had a beautiful dress, but he always asked permission to wear it, because he didn't feel right wearing a dress.

"Puberty was the worst, but I think I didn't figure out something was really wrong until I was 18," he said. "I proceeded to deny it for another two years. I tried coming out at 20 and got no positive reactions from anyone and gave up on it. Finally, at 21, I found queer people and came out for real."

Seifert-Gram said he had been home-schooled most of his youth, but he went to Hallsville High School in 2010-11 for his sophomore year. His experience six years ago was different than Emmett's experience at the school today.

"I had 'dyke' yelled at me out of car windows," Seifert-Gram said. "I had scissors thrown at my head. I was threatened."

Going to MU has been a very different experience.

"I had really good timing with that because when I came out was when they started ... preferred names," he Seifert-Gram said. "They started opening gender neutral bathrooms and stuff — that's when I was coming out."

BATHROOMS AND BILLS

Bathrooms are a problem for many transgender people, and politicians have made them a focus of public policy regarding transgender people. Missouri Senate Bill 98 would require all school restrooms, locker rooms and shower rooms be designated for use by male and female students according to the gender on their birth certificates. There has been no action on the bill since a Feb. 21 hearing.

Emery, the transgender student, was yelled at in a women's restroom by an adult woman.

"I was 13, not even out of the closet yet, minding my own business," Emery said. "I was washing my hands and she came up and just lost it. 'What are you doing in the women's bathroom? This is for women.' She just kept yelling at me and I'm thinking I'm a kid. I just needed to pee. Why? No trans person has any other thought or any other motive when they go to the bathroom other than I need to pee, or poop, wash my hands and get out of here."

Now Emery uses both.

"Since I got a haircut and dress differently, I'm apparently fairly androgynous and I do use both the women's and men's bathrooms and I do get comments and actions from people in both of them," Emery said. "It's never escalated to physical violence. I usually try to go with another person, but I sometimes go alone."

Emery said trans people are the victims of violence and verbal abuse in restrooms and it contributes to mental health issues and suicide.

"I view it as a violation of my child's civil rights," Lara Wakefield said. She said if the bill were to become law, it would require someone to be on bathroom duty, checking genders against birth certificates.

Emmett said he uses the boy's restroom at Hallsville High School without any issue. He said if the bill becomes law, he will ignore it.

"I think it's stupid," Emmett said. "It's making so many people uncomfortable."

rmckinney@columbiatribune.com

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