Full text of "Amy Vanderbilt's complete book of etiquette : a guide to gracious living"

AMY VANDERBILTS COMPLETE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE DRAWINGS BY FRED MCCARROLL, MARY SUZUKI AND ANDREW WARHOL DOUBLEDAY & COMPANY, INC., GARDEN CITY, N.Y. 1957 AMY VANDERBILTS COMPLETE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE A Guide to Gracious Living To Dr. Edwin George Langrock, wise counselor and kind friend As this is an etiquette book for all Americans, I have for the sake of interest used a wide variety of names. If any of these happen to belong to real people, living or dead, it is sheer coincidence. A. V. DRAWINGS ON HOW TO MAKE A BED COURTESY AMERICAN NATIONAL RED CROSS TABLE SETTING INFORMATION FROM MEMBERS BOOK COURTESY OF ROYAL CREST STERLING DRAWINGS ON HOW TO EAT A MAINE LOBSTER COURTESY OF THE MAINE DEVELOPMENT COMMISSION LD3RARY OF CONGRESS CATALOG CARD NUMBER 56-IOO97 COPYRIGHT , 1952, 1954, 1955, 1956, BY AMY VANDERBILT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES Designed by Diana Klemin INTRODUCTION Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family, if it hopes to move just a little into a wider world, needs to know at least the elementary rules. Even the most sophisticated man or woman used to a great variety of social demands cannot hope to remember every single aspect of etiquette applying to even one possible social contingency. The human mind is so constructed that even if a person were to read through a book such as this from cover to cover he could retain only that information that had interest for him at the time of reading. Consciously, at least, the rest would be discarded as irrelevant to his way of life. But let some new way of living open up for him a move from city to country, a trip to a new part of the world and his etiquette book becomes his reference book, ready to piece out his own store of information. You might imagine that the writer of an etiquette book would certainly know everything in it and therefore have no need for it as reference or guide. But even this is not the case. After ten years as an etiquette adviser, four years of writing this book four years of interviewing dozens of authori- ties in their own fields for material to be incorporated here I, too, can re- member only those details that have or have had relevance to my own way of living. If you asked me, for example, some detail of a wedding in a faith other than my own, I might have to refer to my own book. The information is here the result of my research but in the writing of such sections I made no attempt to memorize all these details. However, in this book, I, like you, have such information in simple, complete form all in one place, and it can be readily found if needed. The word "etiquette" for all the things I have tried to discuss is really in, adequate, yet no other will do. It covers much more than "manners," the way in which we do things. It is considerably more than a treatise on a code of social behavior, although all the traditional information still of value has, I feel, been included in a way that is simple and concise, shorn of mumbo- jumbo and clearly learnable. For we must all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others in no matter what society we move. Even in primitive societies there are such rules, some of them as complex and inex- plicable as many of our own. Their original raison &&tre or purpose is lost, but their acceptance is still unquestioned. Change in etiquette usually conies slowly, just as changes come slowly in the dictionary. The analogy applies, too, in that it is not necessarily social leaders who bring about such changes, but rather the people themselves who, through slighting certain forms for a long enough period, finally bring about their abolishment or at least their modification. Inventions, wars, political upheavals, legislation, all, of course, have reper- cussions, sometimes immediate, in the field of etiquette. In certain Moslem countries purdah, the centuries-old veiling of women in public, was abol- ished by law overnight. Think of the social adjustment that was required! What had been rigorous social custom now became illegal. Etiquette, too, is obviously geographically influenced. In cities thousands of families live under one roof, yet most never speak to one another on meeting. In the country not to speak to one's neighbor on encountering him would be very rude. In some parts of the South girls are quite accustomed to young men asking for late dates, a date usually with an old beau following one that may end at about eleven. Elsewhere such behavior might be con- sidered questionable. In young countries and ours is certainly one when you think in terms of Paris's two thousand years etiquette books have an important place. The physical and economic changes the country undergoes inevitably bring about fairly rapid social changes. The people who first come to virgin country usually arrive as workers, for every hand is needed, living facilities are at a premium, and there is little if any of the leisure or money necessary for the immediate development of an aristocracy. That is why all old American families such as mine have strong and simple roots here. Some of them may have brought with them the drawing-room manners of older civilizations, but they found that many of the niceties of living required adaptation or else had to be discarded in this vigorous, busy young land. My great-great-grandfather, who "read law," was one of the founders of the Bank of Manhattan Company and a man of parts, as they used to say in those days. But in the tradition of his father and grandfather, Hollanders both, he was manually proficient and he had a proper respect for whatever work he did. He seems to have owned a number of "shoe manufactories," and I do not doubt that he could apply a sole with the same expertness that he used in some of the fine mahogany furniture he made for his family and which I still use. On the facing page is his advertisement in the Diary; or Evening Register of Wednesday, April 9, 1794. My own line of descent from the first Vanderbilt to settle in America Jan Aoertsen van der Bilt, who had a farm near Flatbush, Long Island has been strongly Dutch, but I have a good admixture of Irish, English, and French blood. That and my partly European education, my fairly extensive traveling here and abroad, my years as a writer, as an etiquette adviser, and in business have given me a flexible attitude toward etiquette which is re- flected, I am sure, in everything I have written on the subject. I have a respect for people who do things with their brains and with their hands, who are not afraid of hard physical and mental work. I respect, too, WEDNESDAY, Apaa 9, 1794. OLIVER VANDERBILT, At his Boot and Shoe Manufactory No. 7, the cor- ner of Smith and Princefs-Streets, TAKES this method, to return his thanks to his cuftomers, for their generous encouragement in the line of his bufinefs, and hopes by his fteady attention and abilities to ferve, to me- rit the fame. He has lately discovered a method, which effectually prevents the prevailing evils fo common in the prefent mode of making boots which are thefe, the folding or running down be- hind and breaking above the counter and in the tongue, which frequently caufes almoft new boots not only to look bad, by caufing pieces to be put in them, but by running down wears very uncomfort- ably He continues to make, and has for fale, the following articles, wholefale and retail, viz. . x. d. Fimfhed boots of Englifh fluff - 300 Do. tanned, brain and oil drefled buck ikin legs . - - . . -300 Do. American calf fkin, or cordiwan legs z 16 o Second quality do. do. -do. 2 to o Stout frrongboot* . . 2 4 o Bootees of Englifh legs 2 5 o Do. of American do 1 18 o people who are unpretentious yet mannerly, considerate and honest, forth- right yet kind and tactful. I dislike display and foolish expenditure in the sense of what Veblen called "conspicuous waste," that is, spending to im- press those who have less, as well as to impress associates. I dislike chi-chi. I believe that knowledge of the rules of living in our society makes us more comfortable even though our particular circumstances may permit us to elide them somewhat. Some of the rudest and most objectionable people I have ever known have been technically the most "correct." Some of the warmest, most lovable, have had little more than an innate feeling of what is right toward others. But, at the same time, they have had the intelligence to inform themselves, as necessary, on the rules of social intercourse as re- lated to their own experiences. Only a great fool or a great genius is likely to flout all social grace with impunity, and neither one, doing so, makes the most comfortable companion. It is my hope that this book answers as fully and simply as possible all the major questions of etiquette and most of the minor ones too. It is the largest and most complete book of etiquette ever written. Like a dictionary, it will have few cover-to-cover readers aside from my meticulous editor, Marion Patton, the copy editors, and the proofreaders. But this undoubted fact does not in the least disturb me, for a reference book such as this has a long and much-thumbed existence. It can become a reliable friend to whom one may turn many a questioning glance over the years and get a helpful answer. It can put down roots and become an integral part of the family, even be an objective counselor to the children as they enter their teens. It is axiomatic that as we mature and grow in years and experience we must be able to meet more demanding social situations with confidence and ease. This book contains, I believe, explicit information on every possible social problem one is likely to encounter in modern social living. Amy Vanderbilt WESTPORT, CONNECTICUT 1952 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Over a period of four years, during the writing of this book, many personal friends have assisted me in my research. Parts of the manuscript traveled back and forth across the ocean several times. Experts of various kinds ad- vised me and in numerous cases edited my material. I have sought every possible authoritative source in an effort to make this a truly complete and accurate book of etiquette, useful in every phase of contemporary life. Among those individuals, organizations, institutions, and governments whose assistance I have had to a greater or lesser extent are: Eleanor Roose- velt; the United States Department of State; the United States Military Academy, West Point; the United States Naval Academy, Annapolis; the Department of Defense; Captain J. F. Donovan, Jr., U.S.N. Ret.; Head- quarters First Army; Captain Joseph W. Golinkin, U.S.N.R.; Colonel Henry T. Blair, U.S.A.R.; the British Information Services; the French Embassy; the Netherlands Embassy; the Hon. E. C. Zimmerman, former Netherlands Minister to the Netherlands Indies; Mr. Onno Leebaert of the Netherlands National Tourist Office; the Mexican Embassy; Dr. Carlos Davila, former President of and Ambassador from Chile, member of the Social and Eco- nomic Council of the United Nations, and author of We the Americas; Mr. Harold P. Borer, General Manager in the United States for Cunard Steamship Company, Limited; the Pan American World Airways; M. Maurice Dekobra, Paris; Mr. Ulrich Calvosa, Spanish State Tourist Bureau; the Metropolitan Opera Association; the University of the State of New York; Professor Gilbert H. Doane, Director of Libraries, University of Wis- consin, and author of the book on genealogy, Searching for Your Ancestors; Mr. Donald C. Vaughan, who while an executive of Brooks Brothers fur- nished me with much of the material on men's clothes and later, after his retirement, edited the chapter for me; various members of the Overseas Press Club, including Mr. Frank Handy, Mr. Thomas B. Morgan, Mr. Edward P. Morgan, Mr. J. P. McEvoy, and Mr. Eugene Lyons; Senhor Vasco Pinto Basto of Lisbon, Portugal; Mr. I. P. Van Dyke of the Hotel Astor; Mr. Edward F. McSweeney; Sidonie M. Gruenberg, Special Consultant for the Child Study Association of America; Mr. T. Spencer Knight, President, Empire Crafts Corporation, Newark, New York; Mr. Homer N. Calver, President, Paper Cup & Container Corp., New York; the late Mr. Alexander Efron, founder of Checkmaster System, Inc., New York; Mr. Roger Main, President and Treasurer, West Side Savings Bank, New York; Mr. Harland Torrey, West- port Bank and Trust Company, Westport, Conn.; B. Harris and Sons, New York, jewelers; Carrier, Inc., New York; Tiffany & Co., New York; Aber- crombie & Fitch Co., New York; Steuben Glass, New York; Dempsey & Carroll, Inc., New York; Max Schling, Inc., New York; John M. Weyer, President, Van Loan & Co., New York; Bellows' Gourmet's Bazaar, New York; Countess Gosta Morner; the Maine Development Commission; and the following attorneys for their help with material touching on or concerning legal matters: Norman Schur, Gustave Simons, Philip Wittenberg, Edna Neumann Whittle, and the Honorable J. Allen O'Connor, Jr. I am indebted to Dr. Richard L. Frank, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Psychoanalytic Medicine at State University College of Medicine at New York, for his help, advice, and editorial suggestions especially concern- ing the chapters on children and family life; also to Dr. Herbert F. Newman, Associate Professor of Clinical Surgery, New York University School of Medicine; Vincent M. Keber, D.D.S., New York, and the American Nurses Association. Mr. Lawton Mackall, expert on wines, assisted me to a great extent in the preparation of the chapter on wines. The Reverend W. Ovid Kinsolving, Priest-in-Charge, St. Andrew's and St. Michael's Episcopal churches, Bridgeport, Conn., was of immeasurable aid in the preparation of the material on weddings, christenings, funerals, reli- gious beliefs and the proper address of the clergy. The Reverend Edward N. West, D.D., Canon Sacrist of the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, New York, prepared the material on the correct forms of address of the Protestant Episcopal clergy, and the Reverend George Papadeas of the Hellenic Cathedral, Holy Trinity, New York, assisted me with information on the Greek Catholics. Princess Serge Troubetzkoy and Mrs. David H. Low were of help in giving me information on Eastern Orthodox religious customs. Rabbi Samuel Schwartz of Congregation Beth El, Norwalk, Conn., Rabbi Martin Ryback, Washington Avenue Temple, Evansville, Ind., and Rabbi Philip Alstat of the Jewish Theological Seminary, New York, assisted me in the matter of Jewish customs and clerical forms of address. The Presiding Bishop, Le Grand Richards, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Salt Lake City, Utah, supplied information on the Mormons. P. J. Kenedy Sons, publishers of the official Catholic Directory, supplied all the material on the proper forms of address for the Catholic clergy, and I had the assistance of Catholic friends and two Catholic priests on Catholic marriage, christening, and funeral customs. I am indebted to the Society of Friends for information on Quaker ceremonies and customs. The Christian Science Committee on Publication for Connecticut checked the references to Christian Science. Mr. F. D. Connell, Sexton of St. Thomas Church, New York, gave me information on Protestant Episcopal church ceremonies. The Reverend Harold Edgar Martin of the First Congregational Church, Nor- walk, Conn., the Reverend E. C. Wenzel, of St. Peter's Evangelical Lutheran ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Church, South Norwalk, the Reverend W. Wesley Williams of Norwalk Methodist Church, Norwalk, the Reverend J. P. Ball of Grace Baptist Church, Norwalk, and the Reverend Dr. Floyd Leach, retired Episcopal minister of Rowayton, Conn., were among those clergymen who assisted me with information on their own and other denominations. Miss Alice Maslin (Nancy Craig) of the American Broadcasting Company and Mr. Ben Grauer of the National Broadcasting Company furnished much of the material I have used on radio and television. Elizabeth Verner of Charleston, S.C., Miss Dorothy Valentine Smith of Staten Island, Mr. A. Rush Watkins of Chicago, the late Mrs. George Washington Kavanaugh of New York, Mr. Paul T. Truitt of Washington, D.C., Mrs. Maurice Metcalf of New Orleans, La., Mr. Robert Taylor of the Pittsburgh Press, Miss Peter Carter of the Washington Times-Herald, Mr. and Mrs. Max Blitzer, Mr. and Mrs. Basil Lermont, and Helen Pemberton Jones of New York; Miss Dorothy Garrard of Los Angeles; Morgan Adams of Pasadena for information on skiing; Mr. and Mrs. R. L. Moonan, Mr. D. Leonard Cohen, Mrs. John Kobler, and Mr. Howard Whitman of Westport, Conn., are among the friends who have given me information on local or foreign customs, Wash- ington diplomatic, social, and legislative procedures, and other matters per- taining to the content of the book. I wish to acknowledge, too, the co- operation of the editors of This Week and Better Homes and Gardens on material relating to the book. My friend, Virginia Fortiner, was of inestimable help in reading the manuscript and making suggestions for its improvement. Special thanks go to my secretary, Miss Marie Ritti, for expert typing of more than a quarter of a million words and to Miss Helen Walsh for her help, too, especially in the handling of my considerable correspondence. INTRODUCTION ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 1 THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE INTRODUCTION 26 CHAPTER ONE WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS If Making Up the Invitation List When to Send Invitations and Announce- ments Choosing the Time of the Wedding Stationery and Engraving How to Address Envelopes Wording of Formal Invitations and Announce- ments Variations of the Usual Wording Invitation to the House Wedding Invitations Combining Invitation to Church Ceremony and Reception Pew Cards and Train Cards Church Cards The Reception Card The Separate Reception Invitation Wedding Announcements Variation of the Usual Wording At Home Cards Invitation to Informal Weddings Invitations to Those in Mourning Military and Naval Forms for Wedding Invitations and Announcements: Regular Officer of the U. S. Army, Reserve Officer on Active Duty, Retired Regular Army and Navy Officer, Retired or Inactive Reserve Officer Recalling Wedding Invitations Returning Engagement and Wedding Gifts Postponing Weddings Replying to Wedding Invitations Recalling a Formal Acceptance CHAPTER TWO ARRANGING THE WEDDING 48 The Visit to the Minister Church Decorations Wedding Music The Bride's Formal Wedding Pictures When the Bride or Groom Has Been Married Before Selection of Maid, Matron of Honor, Bridesmaids, "J umor Bridesmaid" Selection of Ushers and Best Man The Groom's Father as Best Man Duties of the Best Man Duties of Ushers Transportation to and from Church Gifts for the Bride's Attendants, Ushers, and Best Man The Couple's Gifts to Each Other The Bachelor Dinner Dress for the Wedding: The Bride's Clothes (Superstitions), The Groom's Clothes, Dress for the Ushers, Bridesmaids, Maid and Matron of Honor, Flower Girls and Page Boys, and Guests Flowers for the Wedding Party Expenses of the Bride's Parents Groom's Expenses CHAPTER THREE THE WEDDING CEREMONY 63 The Rehearsal The Processional and Recessional When There Are Two Main Aisles Procedure during the Ceremony The Double Ring Ceremony When the Bride's Mother Gives Her Away The Double Wedding Children at Second Marriages The Thirtyish Bride Differences in Religious Ceremonies: The Catholic Ceremony, Jewish Cere- monies, The Christian Science Ceremony, Eastern Orthodox Weddings, The Quaker Ceremony, The Mormon Ceremony CHAPTER FOUR THE RECEPTION 78 The Receiving Line Who Receives in Place of the Bride's Mother Con- versation and the Receiving Line Music and Dancing at the Reception The Bride's Table The Table for the Parents When There Is No Bride's Table The Wedding Breakfast The Wedding Cake Problems of the Divided House Conduct of the Wedding Guests CHAPTER FIVE THE HOME WEDDING 88 CHAPTER SIX THE RECTORY WEDDING 89 CHAPTER SEVEN THE CLERGYMAN'S WEDDING 90 CHAPTER EIGHT ELOPEMENTS CIVIL CEREMONIES Ql CHAPTER NINE THE TROUSSEAU, DRUJAL SHOWERS 93 Basic Lists of Linens, China, Glassware for the Bride Silver for the Bride Monogramming Who Gives Bridal Shower Duties of Shower Guest CHAPTER TEN WEDDING GIFTS 102 Must One Send a Gift? Suitable Gifts Gifts to the Groom Gifts CONTENTS Sent after the Wedding Display of Wedding Gifts The Bride's Thank- You Letter CHAPTER ELEVEN THE HONEYMOON, POST-WEDDING CALLS 105 CHAPTER TWELVE WEDDING ANNTVERSARTES IO7 Gift Suggestions and Invitations to Wedding Anniversaries CHAPTER THIRTEEN CHRISTENINGS IO9 When the Baby Is Christened Invitations to the Christening Dressing the Baby for the Occasion What Others Wear Godparents and Their Responsibilities Church Christenings The Clergyman's Fee The Christening at Home Refreshments after the Ceremony CHAPTER FOURTEEN DEBUTS 113 The Kinds of Debuts The Debutante Tea: The Dress of the Debutante and Her Mother, The Receiving Line, The Guests at a Debutante Tea CHAPTER FIFTEEN COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENTS 115 Meeting a Man's Family and Friends Gifts before the Engagement Re- fusing a Gift The Proposal The Conference with Father How Long Should an Engagement Last? Is an Engagement Irrevocable? The Engagement and Wedding Rings Parties The Man's Wedding Ring Announcing the Engagement: Your Relations with the Press, How Much Information the Announcement Should Have, Release Date, Sending Pic- tures, Complicated RelatJonsips, Calling Editors If the Engagement Is Broken Behavior during Engagements CHAPTER SIXTEEN FUNERALS \TJ Immediate Procedures when Death Occurs Arranging the Funeral Clothing for Burial Hanging the Bell Where the Funeral Takes Place Death Notices Attending a Funeral Sending Flowers Mass Cards Funeral Calls The Funeral Service Pallbearers Ushers Seating Arrangements Interment and Grave Marking Fees to the Clergyman, Sexton, and Organist, Acknowledgments of Flowers, Mass Cards, and Charity Contributions Letters of Condolence and Replies Mourning Dress during Mourning The Traditional Idea of Mourning Restriction of Activities Resumption of Dating 2 DRESS AND MANNERS INTRODUCTION 140 CHAPTER SEVENTEEN MEN'S CLOTHES 140 The Business Suit The Morning Coat and Accessories The Dinner Jacket and Accessories The Tail Coat and Accessories The Frock Coat The House Suit Overcoats Formal and Informal Riding Clothes Ties, Handkerchiefs, and Jewelry Monogramming Clothes Bad Weather Wear What Every Man Should Know about Vests, Socks, and Shoes The Hatless and Gloveless Man When Not to Wear Evening Clothes Wearing Decorations CHAPTER EIGHTEEN WHATS WHAT IN VARIOUS SPORTS l6l Dress and Rules of Behavior for: Golf, Tennis, Badminton, Yachting, Swimming, Hunting, Shooting, Fishing, Skiing, and Skating CHAPTER NINETEEN THE WELL-GROOMED MAN 171 Hints and Forthright Information for the Man Who Wants to Look His Best at All Times The Bachelor's Social Problems CHAPTER TWENTY MAN'S MANNERS IN RUSINESS WORLD 176 When Does a Man Rise? Who Precedes Whom? Smoking in the Office Lunching and Dining with One's Secretary Traveling toith a Secretary: Making Reservations, How Should They Reg- ister? Does a Secretary Need a Chaperone? The Executive on the Telephone When Relatives Visit the Office Is It Necessary to Meet Socially with One's Employees? Letters of Resignation CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE THE MASCULINE GRACES 183 Sending Flowers Lateness Lighting Women's Cigarettes Shaking Hands Hand Kissing Conduct in Public Conveyances Summon- ing and Sharing Taxis A Man's Bow Manners on the Street Kissing in Public Making Apologies Opening Conversations A Few Brief Reminders CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO THE WELL-DRESSED WOMAN 19O Planning the Basic Wardrobe: Colors, Coats, Hats, Suits, Underthings, Dresses, Evening Clothes CONTENTS Clothes for Active Sports: Tennis, Skiing, Golfing, Skating, Swimming, Yachting, Riding, Shooting CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE FASTIDIOUS, WELL-MANNERED WOMAN 200 The Art of Being Well Groomed: A Practical Beauty Routine Changing for Dinner, Make-Up Cosmetic Defects and Plastic Surgery How to Sit Comfortably and Gracefully When a Woman May Remove Her Hat A Woman's Manners in the Business World: Her Attitude toward Her Job, Her Appearance, The Importance of Promptness, Taking Orders, Smoking and Eating in the Office, Telephone Calls, Personal Letter Writing and Callers The Woman Executive: Her Attitude toward Other Women, When the Woman Pays the Bill, The Single Woman CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR THE SOCIAL PLEASANTRTES 212 A Guide to Tactful Conversation: Replies to Greetings, When to Use a First Name, If You Cannot Remember Names, What Are Personal Questions? Dangerous Topics of Conversation, How to Parry Direct Questions, That Word "Lady," How about "Miss"? Introductions, Duty Dances CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE THE SMOKING PROBLEM 2ig CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX CLUBS 222 Mens Clubs: Joining a Club, Tipping in Clubs, Proposing and Seconding Suggestions for New Members, Letters of Proposal and Seconding, The Letter of Objection, Putting up a Guest, Resigning from a Club, The Guest of a Private Club Women's Clubs: How to Obtain Membership, The Elective Clubs, Club Teas Country Clubs, Yacht Clubs, and Beach Clubs: Club Guests CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN MANNERS AT TABLE 228 Who Is Served First? When to Begin Eating Use of the Knife and Fork Drinking Beverages at the Table The Napkin Tipping of Dishes The Handled Bouillon Cup Testing Liquids "Stirring" Food Conserves and Jellies When Food Is Too Hot "Spoiled" Food Coughing at the Table "Foreign Matter" in Food When You Need Silverware Tasting Another's Food Using Bread as a "Pusher" Reaching at the Table Conversation Posture Taking Portions from a Serving Dish Additional Butter How to Hold Glasses Saying Grace How to Eat Various Foods: Artichokes, Asparagus, Bacon, Cake, Celery and Olives, Chicken, Corn on the Cob, Fish, Fruit Apples, Pears, Apricots, Cherries, Kumquats, Plums, Halved Avocados, Bananas, Berries, Grapes, Oranges, Mangoes, Peaches, Persimmons, Pineapple, Stewed or Preserved Fruit, Tangerines, Watermelon, Pickles, Potatoes, Salad, Salt, Sandwiches, Seafood, Spaghetti, Tortillas CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT OUR COMMUNITY RELATIONS 243 Interfaith Courtesy and Understanding: Learning about and Bespecting Other Beligions, Should a Christian Send a Christmas Card to a Jewish Friend? Dietary Laws of Jews, Boman and Greek Catholics, Episcopalians, and Moslems, Beligious Holidays, Ceremonies of Many Faiths, Particular Courtesies, Clerical Dress CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE NEW CITIZEN, HIS PARTICULAR PROBLEMS 250 Our Attitude toward Newcomers to the United States and What They Think of Us Differences in Manners: Tucking in the Dinner Napkin, The American and Continental Use of the Knife and Fork, The Use of the Toothpick, Acknowledging a Compliment, Introductions and Salutations, Using the Phone, The Use of "Lady" and "Gentleman," Changing Your Name The New Citizen and the English Language: Is it Necessary to Eliminate All Trace of a Foreign Accent? Foreign Words in English, Writing Letters 3 HOME ENTERTAINING INTRODUCTION 260 CHAPTER THIRTY INFORMAL ENTERTAINING 26l The Company or Semiformal Dinner Party: Greeting the Arriving Guests, Entering the Dining Boom, Suggested Menu for Dinner, Arranging the Table, Dinner Service with One Maid, After-Dinner Coffee or Demitasse The Informal Lunch: Dress, Suggested Menu, The Service The Informal Tea: Dress, Arrangement of the Tea Tray Cocktail Parties: Equipment Necessary, Arranging the Boom, How to Handle the Guests Who Linger CONTENTS Informal Dancing at Home: Preparations for Simple Home Dancing, Refresh- ments, Duties of Host and Guest Open House CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE FORMAL ENTERTAINING 27I The Formal Dinner: The Staff and Equipment Necessary for Giving a Formal Dinner, Arrival and Introduction of Guests, Entering the Dining Room, Seating, Place Cards, Menus and Menu Cards, Service, Turning the Table, Leaving the Dining Room, Departing after the Formal Dinner The Formal Luncheon: Dress, Greeting Guests, Place Cards and Menus, Arranging the Table, Suggested Menu The Formal Tea: The Table and Lighting, Service, Food, Bidding Farewell Formal Dances at Home: Decorations, Introductions at a Formal Dance, Specific Duties of the Male Guest, Supper At Home CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO THE GUEST AT FORMAL MEALS 283 Watching the Service, Second Portions, Do Guests Assist with Service? Greeting Servants at Table, The Token Portion, Placement of Used Silver, What to Do about Crumbs and Spilled Food, Presentation of the Finger Bowl, The Signal to Rise CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE THE RITUAL OF DRINKING 286 What Kinds of Drinks for Guests? The Various Cocktails and Highballs Their Suitability and Preparation White and Red Wines Sweet and Dry Wines Filtered Domestic Wines Storage of Wines Glassware Decanting Pouring of Wines Toasts CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR ENTERTAINING INDOORS 293 Conversation Is Fun Ice Breakers Music in the Evening Television Playing Bridge: Setting up Tables, Behavior during the Game Playing Cards for Money: Paying Off Gambling Debts CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE ENTERTAINING OUT OF DOORS 298 Picnics on Your Own Grounds: Necessary Outdoor Cooking Equipment, Arranging the Table, Food Suggestions Picnics away from Home: Equipment for the "Traveling" Picnic, The Art of Packing the Picnic Hamper Al Fresco Meals: Selecting the Right Spot, Service and Food Suggestions CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX HOSTS AND GUESTS 3OO Arrivals and Departures The Self-Invited Guest Inviting a Guest to Another's Party The Guests Who Won't Go Problem Drinkers The Obnoxious Guest Making Your Overnight Guest Feel at Home: The Extra Touches that Count, The Well-Appointed Guest Room Beds, Shades, Draperies, and Curtains Guest Houses: Solving the Heating Problems, What to Do If You Live in the Real Country, Instructions in Case of Emergency The Week-End Guest: Invitation and Reply, Arrival and Departure, Gift to the Hostess, What Clothes to Take, Rules of Behavior, Greeting Servants, How to Infuriate Your Hostess, How to Help with the Household Routine, Duties of the Overnight Guest in the City 4 HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT INTRODUCTION 326 CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN FURNISHINGS IN THE ESTABLISHED HOUSEHOLD 326 How to Form Your Own Tastes in Selecting Furniture Effective Grouping of Furniture Choosing Furniture to Fit the Individual Selecting the Right Colors Linens: Monogramming, Marking Linens for the Laundry, Linens for the Nursery, Formal and Informal Table Linens China: Blending the Various Kinds of China, China for Formal and Informal Use Glassware: Special Handling of Fine Glassware, Replacing Broken Glass- ware, The Right Glass for the Right Occasion CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT SETTING THE TABLE 336 Breakfast at the Table Breakfast on Trays Decorations for the Breakfast Table and Breakfast Tray The Place Setting for the Informal Lunch: Suggested Dishes for the Informal Lunch and Table Decorations The Informal or Semiformal Dinner: Silver, Table Linen, Glassware, China, Table Decorations The Formal Luncheon: Silver, Table Linen, Glassware, China, Table Deco- rations CONTENTS The Formal Dinner: Silver, Table Linen, Glassware, China, Table Decora- tions Arranging the Buffet Table CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE SPECIAL PROBLEMS OF SERVICE 351 The Placing of Teaspoons The Iced-Tea Spoon Serving Water at Meals The Service of Tea, Coffee, Demitasse, and Candy The Service of Food on Trays Setting the Table for Card Table Service The Fine Damask Cloth Garnishes When Are Place Cards Needed? CHAPTER FORTY EMPLOYER-SERVANT RELATIONS 358 The Hiring of Servants The Domestic Employment Agency Wages Your Requirements Interviewing a Prospective Maid What Recom- mends You as an Employer? How Good Are References? The Part- Time Worker Introducing the New Servant to the Household Intro- ducing Servants and Guests How to Furnish a Maid's Room The General Houseworker If You Are Your Own Managing Housekeeper How to Write Notes to Servants and Tradespeople The Question of Time Off and Special Privileges Workman's Compensation Dismissing a Servant The Letter of Reference Giving References over the Phone CHAPTER FORTY-ONE DRESS AND DUTIES OF THE HOUSEHOLD STAFF 37O The Formal and Informal Attire of the Butler and His Duties The Valet The Chauffeur Duties and Dress of the Housekeeper, the Companion, the Social Secretary, the Cook and Kitchen Maid, the Lady's Maid, the Chamber- maid CHAPTER FORTY-TWO GRACIOUS LIVING WITHOUT SERVANTS 377 A Routine for Managing the Servantless Household Maidless Entertaining: The Buffet Dinner, How to Serve a Sit-Down Dinner without a Maid, After-Dinner Coffee, After-Dinner Tea, How to Make Tea, Suggested Menus for Maidless Dinners, Extra Guests at the Dessert Course CHAPTER FORTY-THREE HOUSEHOLD FINANCES 387 Financing the Family: Children's Bank Accounts, Letting the Children in on Finances, Joint Checking Accounts, Who Should Manage the Family Income, Deficit Financing, Establishing Credit, Poor Credit Risks, Living within Your Means Checking Accounts: How to Open a Checking Account, How to Avoid Errors, Blank Checks, Printing and Dating Checks, Who Accepts Checks, Stopping Payments on Checks, Drawing against Uncleared Checks, If You Lose Your Checkbook, Post-Dated Checks 5 CORRESPONDENCE INTRODUCTION 400 CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR STATIONERY AND LETTERS 40I A Woman's Social Stationery A Man's Social Stationery "Personal" Business Stationery Business Firms' Stationery Signatures on Checks, Legal Papers, and Letters Illegible Signatures Sequence of Pages in a Letter Addressing Social Envelopes The Use of "Personal" and "Please Forward" The Use of "Messrs." Letters That Must Be Handwritten Social Letter Writing: The Correct Form for Social Letters, How to Get Started, Bread-and-Butter Letters, Thank-You Notes, "Angry" Letters, A Letter of Complaint to a Neighbor, Letters of Apology, Love Letters, Letters of Social Reference, Writing to a Celebrity, Writing to the White House, Writing to a Public Official, Christmas Cards Women's Business Letters: Writing the Business Letter, Ordering from a Department Store, Letters of Complaint to a Business Organization, Making Hotel Reservations CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND REGRETS 425 CHAPTER FORTY-SIX CORRECT FORMS OF ADDRESS 437 How to Address in Writing and Speaking Members of the United States Government, Foreign Representatives, Members of the Clergy, British Offi- cials and Individuals The British Use of Esquire Military Forms of Address CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN HERALDIC DEVICES 464 What Is a Coat of Arms? The Lozenge How Heraldic Devices Are Used CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT WRITING AND CONVERSATION CAN BE COLORFUL 467 A Bowing Acquaintance with Other Languages Familiar Words and Phrases from French, Latin, German, and Other Languages Common Expressions from English Literature Words and Phrases Often Incor- rectly Used and Pronounced Musical Terms Culinary Terms Re- gional Accents The Well-Modulated Voice 6 CONTENTS THE FAMILY AND SOCIAL EDUCATION OF THE CHILDREN INTRODUCTION 488 CHAPTER FORTY-NINE MANNERS IN MARRIAGE 489 Understanding the Woman in the House The Agreeable Husband How a Husband Can Lend a Hand Business Entertaining The Agree- able Wife Meeting Commuter Trains Special Adjustments What to Do about Annoying Habits Overweight and Underweight Speaking of Diets The In-Law Problem Your Mother-in-Law When Your Spouse's Parents Live with You What to Do about Real Trouble-Makers When a Parent Requires Financial Support CHAPTER FIFTY CHILDREN, THE FORMATION OF CHARACTER 499 Choosing the Baby's Name Does Your Child Need a Middle Name? Boys' Names for Girls, and Vice Versa Children's Clothes: Dressing the Baby, Clothes for the Pre-School and the Older Child, Hand-me-downs and Made-overs, When Does a Child Choose His Own Clothes? About Allowances: How Much Allowance Should a Child Have? With- holding Allowances Children's Table Manners: Playing with Food, Must a Child Finish His Food? Should a Child Choose His Own Food? Small Children at Table, Should Children Be Seen and Not Heard? Older Children at Table, Awk- wardness in Children The Social Behavior of Children: Twenty-two Guides for Good Conduct, Calling Parents by Their First Names, "Making" Children Mind Their Man- ners, Must a Little Girl Curtsy? The Boy's Bow, Extending Invitations, Children's Introductions, Birthday Parties for Children, The Child's Manners at His Party Special Problems: Taking a Child to the Doctor's Office The Child in the Hospital, Children in the Dark, Handling the Shy Child The Baby Sitter: You and Your Sitter, How Old Should a Sitter Be? Should the Sitter Be Allowed to Entertain? Sharing Sitters, Neighbors Sit for Each Other, Mother Needs a Night Out Too CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE THE RELIGIOUS EDUCATION OF CHILDREN 523 CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO THE ADULT-CHILD RELATIONSHD? 524 Your Manners with Children Your Tone of Voice Conversation with Children Teaching Children to Behave Why We Must Have Rules Are Threats Effective? Interference from Friends or Relatives Is It a Child's World? The Treatment of Servants by Children CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE ADOPTING A CHILD 530 CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR TRAVELING WITH CHTLDREN 532 The Advantages of an Early Start Travel Sickness The Supplies You'll Need Travel Clothes Thoughtfulness of Others Descending on Friends CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE THE TEEN-AGER 535 Is Strictness the Answer? Teen Drinking Smoking Make-Up and Permanents About Chaperones Can the Group Chaperone Itself? Teen Dates How Does a Boy Ask for a Date? Dates and Money Refusing a Date Subscription Dances, School Dances, and Proms CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX DIVORCE AND SEPARATION 541 Procedures and Agencies That Are of Help in Marital Difficulties Your Relations with Other People and the Press during a Trial Separation Change of Name and Address after a Woman Is Divorced Our Attitude toward Divorce and the Divorcee Remarriage of Divorced Persons to Each Other 7 YOUR PUBLIC LIFE INTRODUCTION 548 CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN DINING IN RESTAURANTS 549 Entering a Restaurant Seating and Ordering Omitting Courses Or- dering Wine Presentation of Dishes If There Are Complaints Buffet Service in Restaurants Presentation of the Check Tipping at Private Dinners Tipping at Public Dinners The Guest at a Public Dinner Dress at Public Dinners Leaving Restaurants CONTENTS CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT CARDS AND CALLS 557 When Cards Are Left The Size and Style of Cards- Children's Cards Addresses on Cards Engraving A Man's Social Card The Use of Professional Titles on Cards Husband and Wife Cards A Woman's Social Card Women's Titles on Cards Is a Girl Ever a Jr.? When You May Send Your Card Using Your Card for Invitations How to Mail Cards When No R.S.V.P. Is Required The P.P.C. Card How Many Cards Are Left at One Call To Insure Your Card's Delivery When Not to Use Your Card Men's Business Cards Women's Business Cards Social Cards vs. Business Cards If You Have No Cards Making and Receiving Calls: The Call Itself, Conversation during Calls, Bringing Flowers, Calling on the Eligible Man, The Bachelor Host and Calls, Calls of Condolence, Calling on a Public Official CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE HOSPITALS AND DOCTORS 577 Visiting the New Mother Flowers If You Are the Patient How to Share a Hospital Room You and Your Nurse Visiting Your Doctor: Professional Ethics, Medical Examinations, Personal Relationships CHAPTER SIXTY SPEAKING BEFORE AN AUDTENCE 581 Introducing Your Speech Using the Voice Correctly If You Have to Cough Reading a Speech The Use of Jokes, Illustrations, and Anec- dotes Closing a Speech Making Your Departure Dress of the Man Speaker What to Wear If You're a Woman Your Radio Appearance If You Appear on Television CHAPTER SEXTY-ONE SIMPLE PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE 588 CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO APPEARANCE AT PUBLIC FUNCTIONS 59O Dressing for the Opera Seating in Opera Boxes Applauding at the Opera and at Concerts Behavior at the Theater Attending Auctions: Inspecting before You Buy, Asking for Specific Items, How to Bid, Must the Auctioneer Accept Your Bid? Dealers as Your Com- petitors, Imperfect Merchandise, Checking for Authenticity, Buying An- tiques, Paying by Check, The Country Auction CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE YOUR PRESS RELATIONS 598 The Gossip Columnist and the Society Writer What about Pictures? You and the Law Endorsements Special Press Problems CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR YOU AND CELEBRITIES 602 Asking for Autographs Entertaining a Celebrity Pity the Poor Author 8 OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE FOR CIVILIANS INTRODUCTION 606 CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE ATTENDING ANNAPOLIS HOPS 607 What to Do and What Not to Do Necessary Clothes The Hop Itself Entertainment of Midshipmen The Souvenir Hunter Annapolis Slang CHAPTER SIXTY-SEX VISITING WEST POINT 6l2 Expenses for the Week End Necessary Clothes Entertainment at the Point West Point Slanguage CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN ETIQUETTE FOR BRTDE OF MILITARY MAN 6l6 General Protocol on the Military Post or Navy Yard Post Calls How to Tell Military Rank CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT SHIP LAUNCHINGS, VISITING A NAVAL VESSEL 619 General Procedure and Correct Dress for a Ship Launching Boarding a Naval Vessel and Making a Call Saluting the Quarter Deck Prohibi- tions Concerning Naval Vessels Officers' Staterooms Maritime Terms Formal Naval Invitations and Replies CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE THE NEWEST RESIDENT IN WASHINGTON 625 Accepting or Declining a White House Invitation Being Received at the White House Business Calls on the President CHAPTER SEVENTY THE FLAG, OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM 628 When and How to Display the Flag The Singing of Our National Anthem The Star-Spangled Banner Anthems of Other Nations Playing the Anthem at Home 9 CONTENTS TRAVEL ETIQUETTE AT HOME AND ABROAD INTRODUCTION 636 CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE TRAVELING BY SHIP 637 Dress and Behavior aboard Ship Seating in the Dining Room Dress aboard Transatlantic Ships Behavior at Table Tipping aboard Ship Dressing for Cruises Plane Travel: Luggage, Behavior aboard the Plane, Duties of the Plane Personnel, Tipping Train Travel: Baggage, Seating, When Occupying a Section, Dressing and Undressing, Use of the Ladder, The Roomette and the Compartment, The Diner, Tipping, Train Manners Hotel Tipping Talking to Strangers while Traveling CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO TIPS TO THE STAY-AT-HOME 646 Suitable Bon Voyage Gifts Going aboard Ship to Say Good-by Train and Plane Farewells CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE HOW CUSTOMS DIFFER ABROAD 647 The American Custom of Taking Baths The W.C. The "Pourboire" The "Boots" Tips on Traveling within a Country and from Country to Country in Europe Eating Customs Smoking at Table Is the Woman Always Placed to the Right of the Man? Are We Boorish Abroad? American Women in Latin Countries American Men in Latin Countries Dancing The Paid Dancing Partner Taking Pictures CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE 656 Requesting an Audience What Clothes to Wear Taking Religious Objects to Be Blessed Procedure during the Audience Taking Leave CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE TRAVELING BY CAR 659 Taking Taxis: Behavior in Taxis, Conversation with the Driver, Losing Articles in Taxis, Tipping Good Manners and Your Car: Hand Signals, Thoughtless Acts, The Good Driver, The Welcome Passenger, Double Parking, Is the Slow Driver the Best Driver? You and the Law, Hitch-Hikers Selecting an Automobile: Colors in Cars, Can You Live up to Your Car? The Station Wagon, Marking the Station Wagon 1 THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Wedding Invitations and Announcements 27 Arranging the Wedding 48 The Wedding Ceremony 63 The Wedding Reception 78 The Home Wedding 88 The Rectory Wedding 8q The Clergyman's Wedding go Elopements and Civil Ceremonies 91 The Trousseau and Bridal Showers 93 Wedding Gifts 102 The Honeymoon and Post-Wedding Calls 205 Wedding Anniversaries 107 Christenings ioq Debuts 113 Courtship and Engagements 11$ Funerals 127 THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Every life, even that in a primitive society, has its ceremonies great and small, religious and non-religious. We observe small ceremonies when we say "good morning" and "good night," when we celebrate a birthday or attend a graduation. But the important ceremonies of life have to do with its beginning the ritual of circumcision of the Jews and the Mohammedans, the Christian baptism or dedication of the child, the youthful years of court- ship and marriage, and life's finale. People are born, are married, and, at length after a more or less ceremonious life, die. And everywhere friends, neighbors, and relatives take cognizance of at least the major ceremonies affecting each of us. Of all life's ceremonies that of marriage is the most touching and beautiful. This is the long anticipated climax of girlhood and boyhood, too the door- way to true maturity, the farewell to parents as protectors, the acceptance of responsibility. Madame de Stael wrote, "Without marriage there is no happiness in love." Love seeks completion and the protection of marriage and the family. All people everywhere rightly make a ceremony of marriage. They pro- claim it publicly with a variety of rituals devised to impress its enormous importance on the hearts and minds of the participants and witnesses. All marriages should be solemn and well-proclaimed, with the vows exchanged in a dignified, suitable setting. Whether the bride wears a lovely bridal gown or a simple cotton frock makes, of course, no difference in the dignity and impressiveness of the ceremony. I believe it is good and valuable if parents and friends gather together to witness the marriage in the traditional way and that it take place preferably under some religious auspices in the bride's place of worship or in her home. The elaborateness or simplicity of the wedding is of no real consequence. It is the spirit in which we marry that is truly meaningful. Ceremony is really a protection, too, in times of emotional involvement, particularly at death. If we have a social formula to guide us and do not have to extemporize, we feel better able to handle life. I know a writer who says he likes Sunday noon dinner because it helps to set the day apart. He makes a ceremony of it. All ceremony, large and small, sets apart certain times of the year, week, and day for special marked atten- 26 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE tion. If we ignore ceremony entirely, we are not normal, warm human beings. Conversely, if we never relax it, if we "stand on ceremony" in all things, we are rigid. We must learn which ceremonies may be breached occasionally at our convenience and which ones may never be if we are to live pleasantly with our fellow man. CHAPTER ONE WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS It is the bride's family that sets the size and style of the wedding. If a large wedding is decided upon, the necessary invitation lists must be started almost as soon as the engagement is announced or this vital clerical chore will still be hanging fire during the complicated arrangements for such a wedding. The groom and his family must co-operate by furnishing their invitation and announcement lists as early as possible, so the bride may combine them with her own usually larger lists, remove duplications, and, if necessary, shorten the lists with the help of both families. For a large formal wedding many more people receive invitations than can possibly accept. Even friends at a great distance are informed by means of the invitation that the wedding is taking place. The list should include all relatives of the bride and groom, all close friends of both families, neighbors, old family retainers, business associates of the two fathers and of the groom and, of course, of the bride, if she's a career girl and will continue her work. And, incidentally, invitations should be sent to the parents of the groom and members of the wedding party. These are treasured as mementos of the occasion. The full list is then broken down into (1) those who receive invitations to the wedding, (2) those who will receive a reception card in addition, (3) those who will receive announcements and "At Home" cards, if any. Ordinary three-inch by five-inch file cards with two sets of alphabetical indexes and two convenient boxes provide the best method of compiling a working list. Cards of different colors may be used on the finished list to indicate quickly into which category each name falls, but the usual method is to write in colored pencil an initial on the top right- or left-hand corner of each card "C" for ceremony, "R" for reception, as well as ceremony, "A" for announcement. In filing the cards follow the alphabetical procedure, don't just put all the A's or B's together or duplications will be hard to locate. Using such an easily expansible or contractible file is better than just typing up lists on sheets of paper or entering names in a notebook under alphabetical head- *7 ings where they may end up a thicket of crossed-out names that will make addressing confusing. The second file box should hold "Acceptances" and "Regrets" so that when the reception preparations are made a fairly accurate count may be had, with some allowance made for last-minute changes. Both acceptances and regrets should be filed alphabetically, too. WHEN SHOULD INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS BE SENT? Wedding invitations, unlike ordinary social invitations, are sent approxi- mately four weeks in advance of the wedding. Engraved invitations tal time and should be ordered at least six weeks before they are to be sent out, with consideration given the time it will take to address outer and inner envelopes. Announcements, ordered at the same time, are not, of course, sent out until after the marriage has taken place, but, if possible, they should be ready for mailirg all at once a day or so after the ceremony, so that news of the marriage in the papers does not too much predate friends' receipt of the announcements. CHOOSING THE TIME OF THE WEDDING The time of day considered fashionable for weddings differs in different parts of the country. In New York many fashionable Protestant weddings take place at four, four-thirty, or five in the afternoon. Evening weddings are relatively rare in New York but fashionable in many other parts of tho country. Their own Sabbath, Christian or Jewish, is usually not chosen for a wedding day by brides of these faiths (Religious Jews may not be marrieu on the Sabbath Friday sundown through Saturday sundown or on certain high holy days) nor is Lent by Christians, at least not for religious cere- monies. It is not considered good taste for Christians to have even large home weddings during Lent, though, of course, simple marriages with or without a clergyman do take place during these forty days of penitence. Formal and fashionable Catholic weddings in church take place with Mass at noon. Simple ceremonies at which the bride may wear her wedding gown and the groom may wear a cutaway or a blue suit (see "The Groom's Clothes") are often performed very early with Low Mass or at ten, followed by a wedding breakfast. No Catholic wedding takes place after seven at night, except in the case of great emergency grave illness, perhaps, or possibly the sudden arrival of military orders for the groom-to-be. Protestant morning weddings are usually simple and informal with the bride wearing a dress or suit, not a wedding gown. Wedding breakfasts really lunch may follow. In some parts of the country Protestant weddings sometimes do take place at noon, that is, fully formal weddings with a bride in full bridal array and the groom and his attendants in cutaways. $ PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE ENGRAVING AND STATIONERY FOR WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS It is far better to write personal letters or inform your friends of your mar- riage by phone than to have your invitations and announcements printed, rather than properly engraved. Of the various types of lettering available, the least expensive, and the most used, is graceful script. It costs no more to go to a really good, fashionable stationer for your announcements or invita- tions. There you will see styles of engraving such as the shaded, or shaded antique, Roman currently in vogue. There are slight variations from time to time, but essentially the engraving procedure is rigidly conventional. Do it right, or don't do it at all. paper and envelopes Use the best paper you can afford for announcements or invitations. People do look at the quality of paper, and many inspect the envelopes to see the name of the stationer from whom you ordered. The name of a good stationer embossed under the flap of the envelope lends a certain cachet and costs nothing extra. The most distinguished wedding paper is the traditional ivory or ecru, but pure white is much used, too. Plate-marked papers appear quite fre- quendy, and sometimes you see a fine white paper with a warm, almost imperceptible flesh tint. But the icy blue and pale pink papers sometimes offered and by good stationers, too do get away too radically, I feel, from the traditional bridal white or ivory. However, I never could understand, either, why a bride would want to wear a bridal gown in one of these pastel colors, as is sometimes done. Needless to say, the engraving is always in black and on the first page of the double sheet. If the bride's family has a coat of arms, a small crest, shield, and motto may be embossed not die-stamped in color as on ordinary sta- tionery at the top of the first page. However, this is not done if a woman, alone, makes the announcement or issues the invitation. If the bride's family has no coat of arms, she may not use the crest of her husband-to-be until they are actually married, but, even then, if her family issues announcements, the husband's device may not be used on them, although the bride's family's may be (see "Heraldry"). If the couple themselves make the announce- ment, the husband's full coat of arms may be embossed. Two envelopes are usually used for wedding invitations and announce- ments, although only one may be. Where two envelopes are used, the inside one is unsealed (and must not be gummed), and is placed in the outer en- velope so that it faces the flap. Tissue over the engraving of the invitation when furnished by the stationer for certain type faces is left in place to prevent smudging. The length of the names, the style of lettering, and, in this case, whether or not plate-marked paper will be used has much to do with the size of the paper you choose. There are many acceptable variations, but a fairly stand- ard size is seven and one-half inches by five and one-half inches for a folded *9 invitation or announcement. Smaller announcements or invitations which may be inserted into the envelopes unfolded are also correctly used, but if reception or "At Home" cards are to be enclosed, it is possible they may never be seen if the unfolded style is used. how to address the envelopes The addressing of wedding invitations and announcements is rigidly prescribed. Abbreviations are not permitted except in "Dr.," "Mr.," "Mrs.," and "Jr." (or "Lt." when combined with "Colonel," etc.), or in an initial of a name if you don't know it in full. The names of cities and states are written out. When an invitation or announcement is being mailed in the same city as that in which the wedding is taking or has taken place, the name of the state does not appear. For instance : Mr. and Mrs. Cedric Moore Mcintosh 1886 Shore Road Chicago Where there are several members of a family to be invited, avoid the phrase "and family." On the inside envelope is written: Mr. and Mrs. Mcintosh (no christian name) Belinda and Gordon (if the children are under age) But if there is an adult daughter or other woman in the household you wish to invite, she must receive a separate invitation: Miss Margaret Mcintosh 1886 Shore Road Chicago The inside envelope reads: Miss Mcintosh ' If there are two sisters write: The Misses Agnes and Ann Mcintosh (or Misses Agnes and Ann Mc- intosh) and on the inside envelope The Misses Mcintosh (or Misses Mcin- tosh) with no address, of course, on the inner one. Two grown sons (over eighteen) receive one invitation if they live at the same address. They are addressed as: The Messrs. Keith and Ian Mcintosh (or Messrs. Keith and Ian Mcintosh) with simply The Messrs. Mcintosh (or Messrs. Mcintosh) inside. return addresses It is certainly convenient to have a return address on a wed- ding announcement or invitation, but this should not be engraved or printed on the flap, though it may be embossed or, if essential in some cases, neatly written on the flap. stamps The dignity of a wedding invitation or announcement, it almost goes without saying, requires first-class postage. Stamps should be placed care- 30 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE fully, not stuck on any way at all. The necessarily careful addressing and stamping of the envelopes requires that the work be started before the bride or her family is worn out by bridal preparations. penmanship It is also traditional for the handwriting (in black ink) on the envelopes of wedding invitations and announcements to be obviously femi- nine and, if possible, of the rounded, clear, English style affected by social secretaries. The address, of course, may never be typed. If no social secretary is used for a large wedding, friends or relatives may be called on to help, but if more than one person does the addressing, the handwritings should be as similar as possible. WORDING OF FORMAL INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS INVITATION TO CHURCH CEREMONY Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Penelope to Mr. George Frank Carpenter on Friday, the ninth of June One thousand nine hundred and fifty at twelve o'clock Saint Mary's Church San Francisco Mention of the year is optional on an invitation but obligatory on the announcement of the marriage. The word "honour" is always spelled in the old way. The phrase "honour of your presence" is always used for invitations to the church. No R. S. V. P. (optional abbreviation R.s.v.p.) is used where the invitation is for the church ceremony alone. The Reception Cards, if any, carry the R. S. V. P., even for a wedding tea if desired, although invitations to tea do not normally require a reply. In a large city where there are many churches and the one where the marriage is taking place is not in the category of a landmark, the church address is engraved under the name of the church in this way: Emmanuel Church 1122 South Moore Street Denver If the street number in the invitation or announcement is short, it should be written out "Five" or "Sixteen." The time of the ceremony, traditionally on the hour or on the half hour, is usually written out. If it is to be on the half hour the wording reads "at 3i half after four" or sometimes "at half past four." If the ceremony is on the quarter hour, the wording is "at quarter before four" or "at quarter past four." The word "junior" is written without a capital, but it now is abbreviated more often than not, just as "Doctor" is. But then it is "Jr." with a capital "J." With certain engraving London script it is usually abbreviated as "Jun." and numerals are used for the date and time of the ceremony. Sometimes the "On" is omitted so that an invitation may read "Friday, the ninth of June," but simplification of the form reduces its dignity. the gikl with the same name as her mother If a girl has the same name as her mother and has for convenience's sake been known as Helen Preston, second, she does not use this appellation in her wedding invitations or an- nouncements, since her mother's name, as it must be used in the form, could not possibly be confused with her daughter's. the divorced mother's invitation If her mother is divorced such an an- nouncement reads: Mrs. Fenwick Kingsley (the mother's maiden name plus that of her divorced husband) requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter Penelope etc. when the parents are legally separated Invitations and announcements are in the name of the parent (or relative) with whom the bride lives usually the mother who must use her husband's name, i.e. Mrs. John Kingsley, not Mrs. Ada Kingsley. the remarried mother's invitation If the bride's mother, widowed or di- vorced, has remarried, the invitation may read: Mr. and Mrs. Roderick Merrill request the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter Penelope Kingsley (Sometimes this reads "at the marriage of Mrs. Merrill's daughter.") It is considered less awkward if a remarried woman issues the invitation to her daughter's wedding in her name alone, as: Mrs. Roderick Merrill requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter etc. when the father or others issue the invitation If the daughter after her parents' divorce has made her home with her father, her grandmother, her aunt, brother, or other relative or guardian, the person whose home it is makes the announcement jointly with his or her spouse. For example: 32 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Commander and Mrs. Charles Simonson request the honour of your presence at the marriage of her grand-daughter etc. or: The Reverend and Mrs. Myron Cyrus Kingsley request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their sister Penelope Kingsley In this form the bride's last name is used to show she is Mr., not Mrs- Kingsley 's sister. If the bride's brother is unmarried and he issues the invitation, it reads: The Reverend Myron Cyrus Kingsley requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of his sister etc. If the bride's father is a widower he issues the invitation. Also if he is a divorce and his daughter has lived with him, he issues the invitation, al- though he may choose to do the more graceful thing and permit the bride's mother to do so for the sake of convention, even if she and her daughter rarely see each other. An invitation from a father alone reads: Dr. Grant Kingsley (or doctor) requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of his daughter etc. If the bride's sister is issuing the invitations they read: Miss Cordelia Kingsley requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her sister Penelope Kingsley Only if the wedding is being given by a close relative is the relationship shown in the invitation. If cousins, friends, or a guardian issue the invita- tion, the connection is not shown. double wedding of sisters In a double wedding if the brides are sisters, the elder sister is mentioned first and the invitation reads: 33 Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughters Penelope to Mr. George Frank Carpenter and Felicia to Mr. Amos Reynolds etc. double wedding of cousins or friends If the brides are cousins or just friends, the invitation could read: Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley and Mr. and Mrs. Claude Roen request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughters Penelope Kingsley to Mr. George Frank Carpenter and Marie Rose Roen to Mr. Gregory Pardee Here the older bride is mentioned first, with her parents, but when the brides are more or less the same age the order is alphabetical. However, when there is a great difference in age between the two groups of parents or if, for example, one bride's invitations are issued by her grandparents, it is the older sponsors who take the precedence. Tided parents, too, take pre- cedence over non-titled ones in an invitation to a double wedding. While such an announcement as this is possible, it is more probable that each bride would prefer to have her own invitation, even for a double wedding. Separate invitations also make reception acceptances simple to handle. It is possible to indicate a double wedding by engraving the two separate invita- tions, vis-a-vis on the inside of the double sheet. WEDDING GIVEN BY THE GROOm's FAMILY Mr. and Mrs. Perry Coates request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Miss Laura Lee Mercer" to their son Mr. Trimble Coates etc. *The "Miss" is used when the givers of the wedding are not relatives. 34 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE The circumstances would have to be very special indeed for the wedding to be given by the groom's family and those circumstances very well under- stood by intimate friends of both the bride and the groom. To give remote examples, if the families were old friends or distantly related or if the bride's home were far from the city in which the wedding is to take place and her own parents could not be with her, then she might properly accept her future mother-in-law's invitation that the wedding be given at the groom's home. But she should never flout convention and suggest such a thing. And unless she is very sure of her welcome in the family she would be better off with a quiet church or registry ceremony and no attempt at a formal reception. Instead, she might ask the witnesses, if any, to the home of a close friend, if she has one nearby, who might act as hostess for anything from sherry and biscuits to breakfast, tea, or champagne, depending on the hour of the ceremony. Or, if she has an apartment of her own, she can have any unpretentious breakfast, tea, or reception she can manage herself, acting as her own hostess just as she may, if she wishes, under modern convention, issue her own engraved invitations. the bride on her own Occasionally a young bride has no close relatives or friends to issue her invitation for her or make her wedding announcement. In this case, as with the older bride who wishes to make her own announce- ment or issue her own wedding invitation, the form reads: The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of (OR "WEDDING RECEPTION OF**) Miss Cordelia Kingsley (note "miss") to (or "and") Mr. Winthrop Cass Bowers etc. the divorcee The older woman who has been divorced does not send engraved wedding invitations, although she may invite a few close friends and rela- tives to a small ceremony. She or her family may or may not send announce- ments. the very young widow A very young widow may have engraved wedding invitations issued by her family or by herself. If her family issues them, they read: Mr. and Mrs. Sydney Myers request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Sylvia Ann Kiser to etc 35 Here her late husband's name is used with her given names, although some prefer to use the clearer form "Sylvia Myers Kiser." Note that she is not "Mrs. Sylvia," always an ugly appellation and which looks worst of all on a wedding invitation. If a young widow is issuing her own wedding invitation, it reads: The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Mrs. Maximillian Georg Kiser to etc. the older widow We sometimes see an invitation from an older widow in which she is referred to as "Mrs. Catherine" so and so, the idea being that there may be some lack of propriety in the use of her dead husband's name in her wedding invitation to his successor. Throughout her widowhood there has been no impropriety in continuing the use of her late husband's name. No matter how long she remains a widow, she is, properly, Mrs. John Jones, not Mrs. Catherine Jones. Why, when she does remarry, should she subject herself to the indignity of being "Mrs. Catherine Jones" and on an engraved invitation, at that! No let such an invitation read: The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of Mrs. Grant Kingsley to etc. If it is a church ceremony the first line reads, "The honour of your pres- ence ..." If the widow has remained reasonably close to the family of her late husband she may send them an invitation to the wedding. If she doesn't choose to do this, however, she should certainly send them an announcement. INVITATION TO THE HOUSE WEDDING An invitation to a house wedding carries the R.s.v.p. (or R.S.V.P.), as a collation will be served afterward and the number of guests needs to be known. Otherwise the house wedding invitation reads the same as the one to the church except that the second line is changed to "the pleasure of your company." The house address is used in place of the name of the church: at 1339 Belmont Terrace Montclair, New Jersey 36 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Or, if the wedding will take place in a home in a large city the address reads: at 1125 Park Avenue New York (without the state) If the wedding, with its reception, takes place in a club or hotel, it is indi- cated in this way that the R.s.v.p. is sent to the bride's home: at The Ritz Carlton New York R.s.v.p. 1125 Park Avenue WEDDING AT FRIEND'S HOME When the wedding itself is held, for some reason, in the home of friends, the invitation is in the name of the bride's parents, even though they cannot be present. If the parents are not living the bride may either issue the invita- tion herself (see "The Bride on Her Own") or have her friends as sponsors do so. In the latter case the form is: Mr. and Mrs. Angus Work request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Miss Penelope Kingsley (note miss) to Mr. George Frank Carpenter on Friday, the ninth of June One thousand nine hundred and fifty-two at four o'clock 600 Rose Lane Waco, Texas R. S. V. P. COMBINING INVITATION TO CHURCH CEREMONY AND RECEPTION If all those at the ceremony are to be invited to the reception the wedding invitation may read as follows and no reception card is necessary: 3? Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Penelope to Mr. George Frank Carpenter on Friday, the ninth of June One thousand nine hundred and fifty at twelve o'clock Saint Mary's Church San Francisco and afterward at "The Gulls" Belvedere R.s.v.p. (or, less usually, "the favour [note spelling] of a reply is REQUESTED.") PEW CARDS AND TRAIN CARDS Today it is fairly rare for an invitation to include either a train card or a pew card. If pews are to be allocated it is preferable that pew numbers not appear on the invitation but for purposes of efficiency be given out after acceptances are received. It is much more usual for the bride's mother and the groom's mother to send their visiting cards along with the wedding invi- tation to those special friends and relatives they wish to seat in reserved sections "Within the Ribbons" bride's section (one or two pews) to the left, groom's to the right. Such a card would read: Groom's Reserved Section (handwriting black ink) Mrs. Norman Snowden Carpenter A train card makes sense if a private car has been reserved to take guests from a main point to arid from the wedding. Then the card is enclosed in those invitations going to guests likely to go by train, and they, in turn, present it to the conductor in lieu of a ticket. Otherwise, it is expedient merely to enclose a regular train schedule for such guests and let them make their own arrangements. A train card, if used, may read: A SPECIAL CAR WILL BE ATTACHED TO TRAIN LEAVING GRAND CENTRAL STATION AT 3:01 P.M. FOR STAMFORD. TRAIN RETURNS FROM STAMFORD AT 6:35 P.M. PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARD TO THE CONDUCTOR For a country or suburban home wedding the kind of rustic map often printed for the assistance of guests coming by car may be reproduced on a card of the same stock used in the invitation and be enclosed with it. 38 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE CHURCH CARDS Only at very large and fashionable weddings in big churches ordinarily filled with sight-seers is it sometimes necessary to have church cards. They should be without the crest, shield, or motto, if the device is used on the invitation, and should be engraved in the same manner as the invitation and on the same stock. They mean that the church has been closed to the public for the period of the ceremony and only bearers of the cards will be admitted. Such cards read: Please present this card at St. Patrick's Cathedral Wednesday, the first of March Note that here it is usual to abbreviate "Saint." THE RECEPTION CARD When not all those attending the wedding are to be invited to the reception a reception card of the same stock as the invitation and about half the size is included with its tissue. It should not bear a crest, shield, or motto and may read: Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast following the ceremony at "The Gulls" Belvedere R.s.v.p. Note "pleasure of your company," as this is now a social occasion. When the reception is to be held in the home of friends the card reads: Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast following the ceremony at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Curtis Piatt Turkey Hill Road Belvedere The favour of a reply is requested to "The Gulls," Belvedere (the bride's home) If a mother or father, alone, issues the wedding invitation, the reception 39 card must include the name of the spouse, if the divorced or widowed parent has remarried. A reception card bears the name of host and hostess. JTHE SEPARATE RECEPTION INVITATION Sometimes an invitation to the wedding reception is engraved on the same kind of double sheet usually used for the wedding invitation. This is useful where there may be only an intimate wedding ceremony, for which no engraved invitations may be issued, followed by a large reception. Such an invitation reads: Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast of their daughter Penelope and (note the 'and") Mr. George Frank Carpenter on Friday, the ninth of June at one o'clock "The Gulls" Belvedere R.s.v.p. WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS Wedding announcements, as previously noted, are sent only to those not invited to the wedding. They read: Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley have the honour of announcing (or have the honour to announce) the marriage of their daughter Penelope to Mr. George Frank Carpenter on Friday, the ninth of June One thousand nine hundred and fifty (must give year) Saint Mary's Church (optional to mention) San Francisco the divorcee's announcement If a divorcee is young, her parents issue the announcement of her wedding: 40 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Myers have the honour of announcing the marriage of their daughter Sylvia Ann Kiser to etc. If she is mature, the divorcee may issue her own announcement, in con- junction with her husband: Mrs. Myers Kiser and Mr. Kurt Samuels etc. remarriage of divorced persons to each other Occasionally people who have been divorced eventually remarry each other. When this occurs, no for- mal announcements are sent out, but friends are informed of the good news by word of mouth, by letter, and by telegram. No formal announcements are released to the press. In such instances, often children are involved, so the reunion of the couple should be made almost as if the schism had never existed. AT HOME CARDS "At Home" cards are often in wedding announcements, less often in invita- tions to weddings and receptions. They give the new address of the couple. Smaller than the reception card, they are, however, of the same style as it, with abbreviations and without a coat of arms or a lozenge (see "Heraldry"). They carry the correct postal address in detail: At Home (or this may be omitted) after the first of August (capital "a" for "after" if first line is omitted) 10 Washington Square, South New York, 11, New York INVITATIONS TO INFORMAL WEDDINGS A small wedding does not require engraved invitations in fact, they may seem pretentious. Instead, the mother of the bride may write short notes of invitation, telegraph or phone the relatives and friends who are to be in- vited to the ceremony or the reception or both. If the bride's mother is dead her father or some close relative, preferably an aunt or grandmother, issues the invitations. Or she may even issue them herself if she has no close relatives. Often, after such informal weddings, engraved announcements are sent to friends and relatives at a distance, but never to those who have been invited to the ceremony or the reception. An informal invitation to a wedding may be phoned or it may be written on the household's conservative notepaper, in blue or black ink, this way: 4i "The Beaches" Meriden, Connecticut April 6, 1952 Dear Marion, Faith is being married here at home to Ronald Ward, Saturday, April 22, at four-thirty. We do hope you will be with us and will be able to stay for tea, afterwards. As ever, Helen For such an invitation, just such a short note, giving the time and place of the ceremony or, if the invitation is being issued only for the reception, the time and place of the reception is all that is necessary, and it is taken for granted that the invitation will be promptly answered. Informal invitations may be sent on very short notice, if necessary, but the usual two weeks in advance, as for ordinary social invitations, is customary. reply to an informal wedding invitation A reply to an informal wedding invitation is sent immediately, usually in the form in which it was received. If it was a telegram and the time before the ceremony is short a wire goes in reply. If the invitation came by phone or note a reply by either means is correct. In phoning an acceptance the recipient asks to speak to the sender of the invitation or, if someone responsible answers the phone, leaves the message, "Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright accept Mrs. Samuel's invitation to Miss Consuela's wedding on the fifteenth." A note in reply would read: Tuesday Dear Lenore, We are so happy about Consuela's forthcoming marriage and are delighted to be included. We'll drive over and will stay at the Inn where I have already made reservations. Until Saturday week. Love, Maud INVITATIONS TO THOSE IN MOURNING People in mourning are included in the wedding invitation list, and even if they are in deep mourning, may accept just as they would attend church services or continue to sing in the choir. If their bereavement had been very recent, they might attend the wedding but not the reception, always a gay social function. It is even possible for one in mourning to be in the bridal party. If she's a bridesmaid she dresses exactly as the rest, and a mourning usher or best man never wears a band on his sleeve. All the attendants are considered to be in wedding uniform, their own problems and personalities subjugated for the day they are in the service of the bride and groom. This is understood by everyone, and only if bereavement has been very recent and very close is it sometimes necessary for an attendant to ask to be ex-. 42 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE cused, not because of possible criticism, but because his own obvious sorrow might cast a shadow on the happy day. MILITARY AND NAVAL FORMS FOR WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS If officers are of the Army and Navy Reserve it is only when they are on active duty that they use their titles on wedding invitations and announce- ments. Otherwise, they are "Mr." It is modern to abbreviate the titles, just as "Dr." is more often than not abbreviated. If the following form is used, the title is usually written out: Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Cordelia Kingsley to Winthrop Cass Bowers Lieutenant United States Army (no comma) regular officer u. s. army Or, where the officer's rank is Captain or above in the Army (or senior lieutenant or better in the Navy) the title appears first: Capt. (or captain) Winthrop Cass Bowers United States Army In either case it is optional to mention the branch of service, though the regiment is omitted. It may read: Captain Winthrop Cass Bowers Artillery, United States Army (OR, UNITED STATES ATR FORCE ) reserve officer active duty For a Reserve Officer on active duty the phrase "United States Army" changes to "Army of the United States." Non-commissioned officers and enlisted men often prefer to use only their names, with the branch of service immediately below: Wilson Ford (note, not "mr.") United States Marine Corps but Wilson Ford Staff Sergeant United States Marine Corps is correct, too. retired regular army and navy officers High-ranking Army and Navy officers retired from regular service keep their titles in civilian life. Their names on wedding invitations, announcements and engraved forms read: 43 Commodore Vincent Ludlow Bird United States Navy, Retired (note comma) or Lt. General Packard Deems United States Marine Corps, Retired retired or inactive reserve officers Do not use their former titles, socially or otherwise. the bride in military service Uses her military title in wedding invita- tions and announcements with the identifying branch of the service as do men in service (see page 43). When she is marrying a man in the armed forces, the service appears beneath each title. RECALLING WEDDING INVITATIONS If after wedding invitations have been sent out the wedding is called off, guests must be informed as soon as possible. They may be sent notes, tele- grams, printed or engraved cards (when there is time for the engraving). Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley announce that the marriage of their daughter Penelope to Mr. George Knapp Carpenter will not take place A telegram is signed by those who issued the invitation. It would read, "The marriage of our daughter Penelope to Mr. George Knapp Carpenter will not take place. Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley." A telegram to a close relative would be less formally worded and carry the familiar signature. RETURNING ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING GIFTS When an engagement is broken or a wedding does not take place, the gifts must be returned to all senders with tactful notes of explanation. Only when the prospective groom has died is it proper for the girl to keep wedding gifts and then only if she is strongly urged to do so, in some cases, by a donor whose gift may have a sentimental rather than monetary value. She would not keep gifts intended for a joint household that will never be. If a wedding has been postponed for any reason, gifts are not returned unless after reasonable length of time the marriage still does not take place. In the event that the marriage lasts a brief time, the gifts legally belong equally to both. Socially, however, it has been customary to allot all wedding gifts to the bride except those explicitly given to the groom. They are not returned to the senders unless, perhaps, they have not been opened and used. POSTPONING WEDDINGS If a wedding is postponed and a new date has been set guests may be informed by telegram or sent a new printed invitation done in the style of the original engraved one. It reads: 44 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley announce that the marriage of their daughter Penelope to Mr. George Frank Carpenter has been postponed from Friday, the ninth of June until Friday, the eighth of September at noon St. Mary's Church San Francisco HPLYING TO WEDDING INVITATIONS Formal, engraved invitations to a church wedding do not require answering. But if a reception card is included or if a separate invitation to the recep- tion is received, then one answers in the traditional form in response to the R.s.v.p. on the lower left of the card or invitation. The reply is written in longhand on one's best conservative notepaper in blue or black ink with the wording and its spacing taking the form of engraving. An acceptance reads (as it does for any engraved invitation): Mr. and Mrs. Morrow Truitt accept with pleasure Dr. and Mrs. Kingsley's kind invitation for Friday, the ninth of June at noon A regret follows the same form (but see acceptable alternative below). It reads: Mr. and Mrs. Morrow Truitt regret that they are unable to accept Dr. and Mrs. Kingsley's kind invitation for Friday, the ninth of June A more detailed regret states "why" in this way: Mr. and Mrs. Morrow Truitt regret (or regret exceedingly) that their absence from the city (or a previous engagement) prevents their accepting Dr. and Mrs. Kingsley's etc. 45 In each case, of course, the envelope is addressed, for the reply, to Dr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley, using the names exactly as they appear in the invitation. The wedding may be that of your most intimate friend or of your closest relative, but if you have received an engraved invitation you answer it in formal style. In an acceptance it is well to repeat the hour but optional to repeat the full details of the invitation. But the simple form given is acceptable in all cases except that of a "regret" to the White House (see "White House Etiquette"). If the full form is used in an acceptance most of the wording in the invitation is repeated: Mr. and Mrs. Morrow Truitt accept with pleasure Dr. and Mrs. Kingsley 's (OR DR. AND MRS. GRANT KINGSLEY's) kind invitation to the wedding breakfast of their daughter Penelope and Mr. George Frank Carpenter at one o'clock "The Gulls," Belvedere A fully written out regret does not repeat the place or the hour, merely the date. It is always a great compliment to receive a wedding invitation. As I have said, it never requires an answer unless it includes an invitation to the reception, but it is a gracious thing for the recipient to write the person to whom he feels indebted for the invitation the bride's mother, father, the bride herself, or the groom or his family about his happiness at the forth- coming event. Such a letter, as it is not in direct reply to the invitation, which needs none, is couched in the usual social form, not in the third person. It might read: Honolulu April 8 Dear Jack, (to the groom) It was wonderful to get the impressive news of the wedding. I'd give a lot to be there, as you and Alice know, but I shall drink a toast to your happiness on that day and hope for a quick trip to the States soon, so I may enjoy the sight of you at home together at last. With warmest regards to you both, Burt Of course, engraved wedding invitations are expensive, and, if they must be limited for economy's sake, some who should receive them, such as 46 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE brother George in Cincinnati or the members of the bridal party, who would certainly like to keep them in their memory books, may have to be satisfied with their oral or written invitations. It is safer to omit the younger than the older generations, since the latter are more likely to feel slighted if they are not treated to all the formality connected with the event, rela- tives or no. RECALLING A FORMAL ACCEPTANCE If you have accepted an engraved wedding invitation and then something occurs that makes it impossible for you to attend, you may write a formal regret, send a telegram, or telephone your excuses, but a valid excuse must be given. You certainly may not back out of an accepted invitation because a more attractive one has arrived. Illness, death in the family, or a sudden business trip are acceptable excuses. If you receive an invitation to the White House for the same date as that of a formal wedding invitation you have already accepted the White House invitation takes precedence over a social one. A regret, following a previous acceptance, may take this form: Mr. and Mrs. Morrow Truitt regret that the sudden illness of Mrs. Truitt prevents their attending the wedding on Friday, the ninth of June If the regret is occasioned by a summons to the White House, the second and third lines read: regret that an invitation to The White House etc. DEATH IN THE FAMILY When a death occurs in a family that has issued formal invitations is it necessary to recall the invitations? It certainly used to be, but our ideas have changed very radically on the subject of mourning. Certainly no bride would want to go through an elaborate wedding ceremony followed by the festivity of a large reception within a few days of her mother's or father's death or of the sudden death of the groom's mother, father, sister, or brother. The death of a very old person, a grandmother or grandfather, rarely calls for the postponement of a wedding these days, but it all very much depends on the feelings of all involved. If after a family conference it is decided to recall a wedding invitation because of a death, the guests are notified by wire, by phone, or, if there is time, by printed cards in the same style as the invitation. They may read: 47 Mrs Grant Kingsley regrets that the death of Dr. Kingsley obliges her to recall the invitations to the wedding of her daughter (the names are optional) Friday, the ninth of June Such notification does not mean, of course, that the marriage won't take place. It may, instead, be a quiet family ceremony on the original day planned. The bride may even wear her bridal gown and have one attendant, but without a crowded church the full panoply of bridesmaids and ushers would be senseless. CHAPTER TWO ARRANGING THE WEDDING No bride, no matter how much her heart is set on it, should go ahead with plans for a formal wedding without the groom's complete acceptance of all it entails. An elaborate wedding should have professional management, if possible, so the wedding day doesn't arrive with the bride harassed and tearful and the groom wondering why he ever consented to such a thing. A formal wedding is a beautiful and impressive ceremony if everything has been done on schedule the gowns delivered on time, every last detail of catering attended to, and the bride with the last two weeks to rest as much as she can, although during this time there will be a rehearsal and a dinner for the bridesmaids and ushers. And she may have a tea at which she will show her presents to close friends, if the gifts are not to be exhibited at the reception. THE VISIT TO THE MINISTER Where arrangements must be made for a religious ceremony, with or without the use of a church for the wedding, the bride and groom together visit the minister and discuss the hour of the ceremony, the music, the kind of gown the bride will wear (very short sleeves are sometimes not permitted), and any church regulations that must be fulfilled or local customs to be considered. If the couple are Catholics and the priest they have chosen does not PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE Know them they must present baptismal certificates and written indication from their own parishes that they are free to marry. If both are Catholics banns are proclaimed three successive Sundays or holy days before the wedding in their own parish churches. Mixed marriages between Catholics and non-Catholics require special dispensation and a period of preparation for the non-Catholic. Protestants who have been divorced may have some difficulty marrying in church, especially if they have been divorced more than once. Some ministers make the distinction that they will remarry only the "injured party" in a divorce. They require that divorced persons present the cre- dentials permitting their remarriage. In most states there are blood tests and a necessary "waiting period" (see the World Almanac) between the issuance of the license and the marriage. Ministers are not permitted to waive this period. If it must be waived because of some emergency a civil procedure must be followed before the marriage can take place. Most ministers prefer to see the bride and groom before the ceremony to be sure there is no impediment to the union about to take place. But sometimes for a small non-church wedding, where the principals are well known to the clergyman, the mother of the bride makes arrangements with the family's own clergyman to perform the marriage on the day chosen. CHURCH DECORATIONS Decorations in the church may be limited to suitable altar flowers where decorating of the altar is permitted for a small wedding or may be extensive and expensive, despite the desired simplicity of effect. Sometimes only the aisle posts on the reserved pews are decorated, even for very formal wed- dings. But a clever florist can do impressive things with boxwood, palms, ferns, and various available greenery, with or without flowers which, if used, need not be white. canopy and carpet The canopy from the curb to the church door for formal weddings is not used much today, but the church aisle is often carpeted by the florist when he decorates the church. Or immediately before the pro- cession starts and after the bride's mother is seated (and no one should be admitted after she starts down the aisle), two ushers starting in either direction roll a canvas covering down the aisle. This serves as a protection to the bride's train and is left down until all the guests have left. The florist, or whoever furnished it, removes it. itltlM. MUSIC It is necessary to discuss the wedding music with the officiating clergyman and the church's music director, as various rules apply. In some churches soloists are not permitted, in others only rigidly prescribed music may be played by the organists. The Lohengrin Wedding March is traditional in the processional the thrilling "Here Comes the Bride!" with the Mendels- sohn March from Midsummer Night's Dream for the recessional. During 49 the entrance of guests most churches permit a wide range of music, but it is best to keep to the accepted classics and to avoid sentimental, popular music that might take away from the dignity of the occasion. Be sure to discuss each selection with the organist, however don't just "leave it up to him" or you may find that some of the permitted secular music is not up to your own taste at all. There is a fee anywhere from ten to thirty dollars for organ music in church, with additional ones to be fixed for soloists or choir if they are used, too. THE BRIDE'S FORMAL WEDDING PICTURES Formal photographs of the bride in her bridal costume are rarely taken the day of the wedding but, instead, after the final fitting of her gown. If they are needed for newspaper reproduction it is preferable that they be fur- nished well in advance of the wedding day. Trousseau shops often arrange for bridal photographs to be taken there before the gown is delivered. Or the bride may have her picture taken at home a few days before the wedding. If the wedding is in a church and it is desired to photograph the ceremony, it is necessary to get permission to do this from the clergyman who will officiate at the ceremony. A bride should avoid heavy make-up and, for her photographs especially, omit eye shadow, mascara, and dark lipstick. Almost no make-up at all pro- duces the loveliest bridal pictures. PREVIOUS MARRIAGE OF THE BRIDE Small weddings are the rule for second marriages, with one attendant for each participant to act as the necessary witnesses. The bride need not be given away and receptions are much simpler and smaller than those for a first marriage. The bride should not expect gifts, although many friends who sent them for her first marriage may wish to do so again. The bride who has been married before never wears a wedding veil nor does she wear white. Otherwise she dresses for the time of day and the degree of formality her wedding calls for and wears a corsage. Her head covering is either a small hat or a flower arrangement. It is only the bride's previous status that determines whether or not she may wear a wedding veil. PREVIOUS MARRIAGE OF THE GROOM The fact that the groom has been married more than once does not affect the marriage plans of his bride if this is her first marriage. If she is young enough she may wear a bridal veil, even if the groom is much older than she. MAIDS AND MATRONS OF HONOR AND BRIDESMAIDS The bride usually chooses a sister as maid or matron of honor, or, if she has none, a close friend. She may have both maid and matron of honor- one could be her sister, the other a friend. The matron of honor may be a widow, but it is preferable that she not be a divorcee or considerably older than the bride at least not in a large formal wedding. If the bride chooses to have both maid and matron of honor, she assigns 50 PART ONE THE CEREMONIES OF LIFE one of them to hold her bouquet during the ceremony and to adjust her veil as she goes down the aisle in the recessional. She precedes the bride, with the other honored one following the bridesmaids in the processional, or maid and matron may walk together directly preceding the bride. In the recessional, the bride and groom lead. If there are both matron and maid of honor, they follow, walking together or with the elder preceding the younger attendant, unless ushers and bridal attendants are paired in the recessional. Bridesmaids, who may be young matrons, are chosen from among the bride's close friends and should not be older than she. THE "JUNIOR BRIDESMAID" OR "MAIDEN OF HONOR" There is occasionally a place in the wedding party for a girl between the ages of ten and fourteen. She is known as the "junior bridesmaid" or "maiden of honor." In the procession she walks in front of the bridesmaids, as junior bridesmaid. If she is to be maiden of honor she precedes the bride if there is no maid of honor or matron of honor. If there is either of these then she precedes the maid or matron of honor. Where there is no maid or matron of honor and only a maiden of honor, the latter may perform the duties of the bride's chief attendant although I think that it is too much of a strain for a girl so young and prefer not to see her have this respon- sibility. USHERS AND BEST MAN The groom chooses his ushers and best man. His best man is usually a brother, if he has one and if there isn't too great a difference in age. If a brother does not serve, the groom's closest friend does. His ushers should be chosen from among his intimate friends, as once asked, a man cannot refuse such an honor except for a serious reason. Although at a small wed- ding the groom may do without ushers and the bride without bridesmaids, each must have one attendant to serve as a witness, so the best man and maid or matron of honor are indispensable. If the best man is to be chosen from among several close friends of the groom he must be a good executive, if it is to be a large formal wedding, for his duties are legion. In a big church it is necessary to have enough ushers more than brides- maidsto seat the expected guests. However, if a big church is chosen, it is not necessary to invite enough guests to fill it, as part of the body of the church near the altar may be enclosed with boxwood or other greens to make a small chapel for the ceremony. Ushers seat only invited guests, and do not permit outsiders to be seated until all expected guests are in place. Ushers may be married or single, but it is unusual for a husband and wife to serve together, except at a double wedding where the first couple married may act as best man and matron of honor for the second. When married men act as ushers or matrons act as bridesmaids their husbands and wives must be invited to the wedding, but they need not be asked to sit at the bridal table, which is, officially, only for the bridal party and even excludes the parents of the couple. 5i The ushers and best man provide all their own clothes for the wedding with the exception of their ties and gloves, which are furnished them by the groom. He, or the best man, has ascertained sizes and has these items delivered well in advance of the wedding. At the bachelor dinner the groom's gifts to his ushers and his best man are at each table place but never the clothing accessories. the groom's father as best man Very occasionally, especially if he has no brother, the groom asks his father to be his best man. If the father is very young-looking this does not seem too incongruous, but it is best to keep the wedding party at the same age level as that of the bride and groom. duties of the best man The best man has always had an important role in all weddings. In ancient times, when marriage was by seizure of some girl out- side the tribe, the best man was chosen for his brawn and bravery, as he was needed to fend off the bride's male relatives and, later, to prevent the bride's escape from the groom. Toda