In a move that has put the rest of the NFL on notice, the Kansas City Chiefs signaled their intent to compete with the league’s elite when they signed Georgia Tech living legend and impersonator-of-every-white-guy-at-a-BBQ-you-ever-met Harrison Butker as their new kicker. After starter Cairo Santos, the man with football's most exotic name, was placed on injured reserve, the Chiefs stole Butt-kicker from the Panthers on an 8-year, $450 million deal. Las Vegas oddsmakers shortened Kansas City's Super Bowl odds from 25-1 to 1-9, the most dramatic change in Vegas history.

Butker’s heroic performance when he single-footedly defeated UGA in Athens in 2014 was among his most recognizable achievements during his four-year tenure as Georgia Tech’s kicker. Scouts have described Butker’s magnificent right leg as “A testament to the human body”, “A Stradivarius of sinew”, and “Surprisingly hairless”, rave reviews that convinced Kansas City to sign the 22-year-old genius.

Kansas City officials were thrilled with their new pickup: “In signing Butker, we have added a literal god to our squad who still receives burnt offerings from Georgia Tech students on a daily basis. We’ve always been on the verge of being title contenders - all we needed was that one superstar to push us over the edge. Now we’ve got our guy - the Patriots have Tom Brady, the Falcons have Matt Ryan, and the Chiefs have Harrison ‘Dawg Destroyer’ Butker.”

Butker, whose calm quiet reserve has often drawn comparisons to the Dalai Llama (the Dalai Lama's pet llama) and John F. Kennedy, offered up some boring ass vanilla tweet about how grateful he is for this opportunity, blah, blah, blah, yet refused to comment on The Crouton’s multiple recommendations that he select the number 69 for his new uniform. He also asked us to stop calling him and inquired as to how we even got his number.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satirical fiction. We did not put in the work to actually find out what the Vegas odds on KC are or what the details of Butker's deal are. We did not manage to get Butker's number. It really bummed us out.