I am prepared now to become your liberal uncle on Facebook, scrawling missives that reek of bitter, acrid partisanship, and I have no regrets about it. With our democracy hanging in the balance, please join me in becoming what I’ve most mocked. Here's how:

1. Embrace secession! Remember when South Carolina wanted to secede because the country wasn’t Jesus-y enough? Horrible idea. But now Trump is President and I am resigned to the fact that we city folk and Trump’s not-so-silent rural majority will never, ever see eye-to-eye. And I don’t like having my political destiny at the mercy of 12 swing voters in Michigan or wherever. The only solution? SECEDE. Do it, West Coast. Leave this trash heap! I’ll join you. WE’LL BUILD A WALL.

Sure, secession will result in too many people flocking to an independent California, causing horrifying price increases, economic unrest, and violent retribution. But I am not thinking rationally at the moment. LET’S JUST DO IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

2. Let’s buy gold! I really did call a friend to ask if I should take some of my life savings and buy up gold with it. We even talked about buying DIAMONDS, because they’re easy to smuggle! Yes, the stock market is thriving thanks to the GOP’s unyielding hatred for regulation and corporate taxation, but still: we need to have a plan for when it all collapses, my blue state friends. I will buy my gold bricks and hide them in my fallout shelter and cackle to myself as the rest of Trump’s America suffers through the apocalypse woefully unprepared!

3. OBSTRUCT EVERYTHING! Oh, Liz Warren thought Ben Carson had some decent ideas for HUD? You backstabber! There can be no compromise, lady. I want you to mummify the Capital building in police tape and cease ALL activity. Shut down the joint if you have to! Play chicken with the global economy to show the GOP you mean goddamn business. I’d rather nothing happen than allow Trump and his cronies another day to systematically dismantle, like, the air traffic control system.

And whoever Trump nominates for the Supreme Court should be left out in the cold like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Anything less than total opposition is surrender, by God. One of the keys to Rush Limbaugh’s success was not only painting liberals as evil, but portraying Republicans as limp incompetents unable to properly oppose them. And look at Dems now. Weak-kneed losers, the lot of them! I will found a Coffee Party to defeat them in the primaries.

4. Call Trump either Hitler or Satan, or both! I hereby revoke Godwin’s Law for the next four years. Look at that man and tell me he isn’t the coming of the Antichrist. He’s even the COLOR of fire. All the signs are there. I bet he smells like sulfur. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! All of you should prepare for the Liberal Rapture, wherein a non-denominational God plucks us off the Earth, leaves our clothing behind, and takes us to Wokeness Heaven. There will be farm-to-table dining.

5. Wish we would all stick to sports! Why is Trump giving an interview to Jim Gray before the Super Bowl? Can’t I have ONE THING that isn’t polluted by his odious presence?! Why does everything have to be about politics, folks? On the other hand…

6. Use any random web story to yammer on about how awful Trump is! You know how Obama haters used to find any excuse to pillory the President in the comments section of any article, regardless of subject matter? That’s me now.

Are you posting a hilarious video of some adorable puppy trapped under a pile of laundry? Well, I wish I could share in your mirth, but I can’t BECAUSE OUR PRESIDENT HAS SECRET TIES TO RUSSIA. No labradoodle antics can cover that up, my friends! And if you disagree, well then (too fired up for Auto-Correct) YOUR AN IDIOT.