Why do so many people want to fuck monsters?

by Beau Dashington

Book Assigner’s Note (Dewey Booklover): Looking to get into the vampire lifestyle but don’t know the first thing about them? Wikihow has some excellent instructions to get you started.

The PSBC is nothing if not topical. We are always covering current events like the OJ Simpson trial, or fads like TinTin or the Islamic State. So what’s popular these days? Well, the kids tell me that vampires are in these days, and they’re hot as shit. The vampires, I mean, not the kids. The kids aren’t very hot. For some reason over the last few years, we’ve been plagued with sexy vampire books, sexy vampire movies, and sexy vampire movies based on sexy vampire books. It seems that the kids are going crazy for sexy vampires. That begs an important question: what is it about these 400-year-old monsters that make 12-year-olds want to bang them? And how can I get a piece of the action? Just to be clear I’m talking about banging sexy vampires, not children. Is it too late to edit this part out?

This week at the PSBC we’re taking a look at sexy vampire books in the vein of Twilight, and we ask ourselves why teenage girls want to bang vampires so much. And who better to answer that question than a middle-aged straight man? There are many reasons why vampires are sexy. They are charming, effete, and match traditional Western notions of beauty associated with grace and elegance. But it’s not just vampires; all sorts of monsters get the sexy treatment. Every Halloween you’re bound to see a sexy Frankenstein, a sexy Creature from the Black Lagoon, and perhaps even a sexy Donald Trump.

The best Halloween costume – by the way, I’m the best at costumes – did I mention, and the media? Liars. They never report on my costumes. But the point is that Putin is a good man. But the media won’t report it. Sad!

But even in books and films, other monsters get the sexy treatment. Some of you may have been familiar with the rom-com-zoms like Shaun of the Dead or Warm Blooded, but even the porno world has tried to make monsters sexy. For example, there is a fuck picture called The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody, in which a group of lone survivors are fighting against the living dead. And the only way to kill the zombies is to fuck them, which is convenient for a porno. You should probably google it right away.

But I digress. The book I’ve been assigned this week is Evernight by Claudia Gray, a very thinly veiled ripoff of the Twilight series. Somewhat coincidentally, it was released two years after the first Twilight book, and has a very similar plot. The book begins at Evernight, a mysterious school in the country for sinister looking teenagers with light skin and dark hair. Bianca, our narrator, has just started at this school. On the first week, she meets some guy called Lucas. They fall in love, although it is never explained why or how.

Therein follows about 200 pages of “will they, won’t they” type stuff before they finally kiss. AT LAST, we’re getting to the good stuff. The author is sure to describe it in detail, since it is the main character’s first kiss.

“We kissed deep and slow, hard and soft, a thousand different ways. All of it was right.”

I remember the fist time I kissed a girl. It was definitely a strange mix of hard and soft, and afterwards she complained that my mouth tasted like Doritos Tangy Cheese, which was fair enough because right before I kissed her I was eating a big bag of Doritos Tangy Cheese. That’s a true story.

Nothing gets the broads going like Doritos Tangy Cheese.

At some point, Bianca realizes she’s a vampire and everyone else at the school are vampires. In Chapter Seven, Lucas finally touches Bianca on the boob, but they decide not to take things any further, since they are worried that Bianca might go into some crazy vampire frenzy and kill Lucas. But unfortunately, all this hot action comes to an end when Bianca finds out that Lucas is actually a member of a secret vampire-hunting society. So for a couple pages, it seems like they won’t be able to be together! But then they tell each other that they love each other, and they have to flee, but they promise that they will always love each other. And then the author started writing the sequel.

I’m tired and I hated this book and I don’t know what else to say about it. Let’s be honest, this book is written for 13-year-old girls, not me. It’s a shitty ripoff of a book that was shitty to begin with. And after 400 pages, I am no closer to understanding why teenagers want to bang ancient monsters. Perhaps its just one of the great mysteries of our time.

Beau Dashington

21/02/2017