

Let me start off by saying that I know how lucky I am to be training at Marcelo's. Since I started, the gym has grown exponentially and I am so proud to be a part of the growth, even if just as another number among the member list.

That being said, I am a hobbyist. I love training and at times I was training 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day. But there was always a limit to it. Work, family, school, and now getting married. All get in the way of being able to really commit to training full time. And, of course, I'm more than okay with that. I have a good, if difficult job, a great family, my health, and of course, Risi. I am getting married tomorrow. I am more excited than words can truly explain. She's beyond incredible and I'm beyond lucky to be with her.

All that being said, it's difficult knowing BJJ, my other love, will fall by the wayside as life continues to go on. I cannot train the week after at least and I will be limited to 3 times, max, at Marcelo's a week. Not too bad but once kids enter the fray....well, I won't be able to make it out too much I imagine. Jiu Jitsu has been there for me in many ways when people weren't. When I felt alone, depressed, or angry, I knew I could always turn everything off when I stepped on the mats. I felt alive.

I moved pretty fast at first, getting my blue belt really quickly. I even remember a rather high ranked individual at the gym (currently)I telling me he thinks I can be really, that I am smart and have the mind for the game. Now, by the next belt promotion, I will have been a blue belt for 3-1/2 years. I have watched guys who are my main training partners go out and win competitions, earn medals, train 3 times a day sometimes, and be able to focus fully on the life that is Jiu Jitsu. Meanwhile, I'm sometimes stuck in traffic hoping I don't miss the whole warmup as I drive 45 minutes from work to get there.

I've never competed on Saturday due to the Sabbath, something that hurts me inside. Knowing I can't test myself with my team all the time hurts me. I want to be there, giving it my all and cheering for my friends, my brothers. But I chose my way and while I am happy to be religious and follow my chosen path, I cannot help but wonder where I would be if I didn't. I train with guys who have been on that podium a lot, I'm not trailing far behind and can give them quite a run. But I'm watching as they pass me by, getting promoted, winning tournaments, as I just try and grind away with whatever training I can get, when I can get it.

I've been struggling with writing this for a little while now. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life yet this is sitting on my mind. I turned a corner in my game about 6 months ago. I worked my ass off, got my diet in check, and over the year dropped 25 pounds. I'm sitting at 190ish, my cardio is better than ever, I've competed more than ever, and I 'm starting to really get my game going....and now I'm scared I will lose it.

Why am I scared? Because Jiu Jitsu is not my life. It's my hobby. It's a hobby that I love, that I've shed blood, sweat, and maybe a few tears for in pain or frustration, but a hobby. I've sacrificed my body so much, injuries, surgery, time, money, and so much effort. I see the difference between the hobbyist and the lifer. I see it because I feel them rising above me, learning more, training more, being on the mats when I'm sitting here typing at my desk during lunch. To them, the fear of losing Jiu Jitsu is from living Jiu Jitsu. An injury or infection. Losing Jiu Jitsu for me is something that's entirely dependent on things that likely will have nothing to do with Jiu Jitsu.

I am happy. I need to reiterate that. Happier than ever, but as this new chapter in my life begins, I don't know if this closes the chapter on me ever being able to accomplish something big in Jiu Jitsu. I hope not. But the time I did spend giving it my all were some of the best of my life. I hope to impart my love to my children one day, maybe train with them. Until then, I hope I can continue participating in my hobby as much as possible.

P.S. My wedding is tomorrow, if anyone wants to come and laugh at Jews attempting to "dance", feel free.