Hunty Games: Pretty Soldier Boys

Each week, Philly drag queen Tammy Faymous recaps the latest episode of Rupaul's Drag Race.

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The truth? You can’t handle the truth! Coco and Alyssa were only on this season for the drama. Yes, they supplied us with giggles and sound bytes to impersonate over Citywide specials. But come on. The future of drag? Neither of these two pageant queens. So after last week’s elimination of Ms. Edwards, we knew it was time for Ms. Montrose’s swan song.

The episode began with vows from each queen that all bets were off. We knew that they all meant serious business, especially with Alaska’s sound byte “This is sisterhood of the I’m going to kill you so I can win.” There is nothing worse than a drag queen equipped with a stiletto. Shit will get messy.

Mini Challenge: It’s boot camp time and the girls had to exercise their way to the top. This was basically an excuse to put big booties and boobs on the babes and watch them run around the work room while some hot, off-duty L.A. gym attendant yelled at them. The actual competition came with a last-man-standing crunch off, and it was skinny mini Alaska who took the prize. Poor Roxxxy looked like a constipated Kristie Alley ready to pass out.

Main Challenge: From previews, us pit-crew fans knew what this week’s episode had in store for us … The makeover challenge. Probably the best/most-challenging/absurd/shit-show challenge of the season, bets on who would fail or succeed seemed easy to predict. Jinkx and Coco both are challenged at doing their own makeup, so how in the hell are they supposed to do someone else’s?

Can I get an AMEN?

This season, the girls were given gay servicemen from the Navy and Marines to transform from platoon to primodonnas. Having served both prior and after don’t ask, don’t tell, we got to hear some heartwarming and heartbreaking accounts of their experience. Since Alaska won the mini challenge, she got to pair each queen with their specimen. She gave Jinkx the oldest, Roxxxy the hardest, and herself the prettiest. Girl played strategy and I give her props for trying. But, it sort of back fires later.

The girls each had to create a family resemblance between them and their vet, and also choreograph a patriotic flag routine.

Jinkx knew what she was up against being given 66-year-old Dave. Dave not only had some physical limitations due to health issues, he also may have had some mental ones at well. Knowing Judy Garland in his younger days, he confessed to Ru that he may have killed her. An awkward silence followed, but this personal relationship did help form the fabulous concept for Jinkx to do a Liza/Judy mother-daughter shtick. Dave was transformed into Fortuna Monsoon, and the pair worked it out. Jinkx knew the limitations and played well within them to create a strong performance and look from beginning to end.

Roxxxy got the bear of the batch, Izzy. I truthfully knew Roxxxy would hit this challenge out of the park. Bitch can do a mug fierce, and did she ever. She transformed Izzy into Isabella who couldn’t look more like an Andrews sister. Painted perfectly, she also gave the perfect padding to form a booty that would make Nene Leakes and Tamar Braxton jelly. Izzy didn’t know what peanut butter was, but he was serving crunchy all over that run way. This, paired with a well-performed flag routine led Miss Roxxxy to the top — her second challenge win.

Alaska had Mac, the tall, skinny, pretty boy twink who, despite his look, carried himself extremely masculinely. This challenged Alaska, who admitted that, even though she wears padding herself, she had no idea how to actually make it. This results in her chomping at the bit of a large piece of foam with scissors to try to make something for her lady boy. Now, we all know I’m team Alaska, but girl should have known she was gonna have to make over someone in the competition and learn the ways to create some fierce ass-booty-licking hip pads. She called her protege Nebraska, and the two did a fine job on the runway. Nebraska was so fierce looking, the judges worried that she may have even out-shined the 49th state herself. But it’s her God awful padding, looking like Danny Devito stuffed in a leather couch, that leaves Alaska close to the bottom, but safe.

Detox got the other pretty boy, Aaron, who RAN for those heels and sissied that walk all over the workroom. Again, Detox seemed to have the easy job being paired with the bottom from the barracks, but she was still not able to execute this challenge well. The name she chose for him, Beth Adone, was genius, but thats about it. From an over-choreographed yet poorly performed flag routine to a tasteless runway look that included a tiny hat, Detox found herself in the bottom yet again.

Recently, we have been privy to some extremely tough moments in Detox’s life. Last week, we learned she found her ex-boyfriend dead. This week, she let Adam know that she was in a disfiguring car accident that left her bed ridden for two months. Also, later in this week’s Untucked, we discover that, growing up, she experienced extreme family drama and that her father may have cancer. Wow. Poor thing. This is a lot, even for a reality-TV star. But I give love and respect to Miss Detox for being a class act throughout and not resting on herstory to make it through the competition. But this exposure into Detox’s life makes me feel she’ll make an exit next week. They always humanize a queen before they kick her to the curb.

Coco came into this challenge defeated and left it defeated. It didn’t mater which soldier Alaska gave her, I don’t think the end result would have been different. Her vet, Steve, wasn’t the best or worse in the pack to makeover. But it was Cats meets The Lion King before when Coco started mixing that Tang with powder. Steve soon became Horcheta. Poor, poor Horcheta. In an Untucked exclusive, we heard Michelle ream out Coco and pity Horcheta for being busted on the runway. Regardless of how hard Steve tried to make Horcheta werk, the lashes were stacked against him. Dressing him in a horrible costuming along with a bitch-poor makeup job, Coco joined Detox in the bottom.

Lip Sync: This was an exciting lip sync, because these two queens have proved themselves masters of the art form. Performing to Michelle Visage’s “It Takes Two,” they really had to prove themselves. In the end, I think Visage may have been the true winner. The camera focused on her lip-syncing and vogueing the majority of the time. But no Michelle, you can’t win a challenge, no matter how hard your lady parts want to. The victor was Detox who finally sent Coco sashaying away.

Best Sound Bye: “I think I may have killed Judy Garland.” —Dave

Top Three Predictions: Roxxy, Alasks and Jinkx. Roxxy and Jinkx have won two challenges each, but Alaska and Jinkx have yet to lip-sync for their lives. It can be any of these queens. This season, unlike with Raja and Sharon, there is no clear frontrunner. We will just have to stay tuned and watch, hunties.

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