When the inevitable day arrives where they get caught participating in their deviant activity of choice, some politicians take the high road, fessing up to their transgressions and either resigning or begging their constituencies for forgiveness in a last-ditch attempt to salvage their careers. Others, however, decide to invent an elaborate story that wouldn't fool a toddler.

5 I Had to Offer Oral Sex for My Own Safety

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The Scandal:

This kind of scandal has almost become a cliche at this point: Florida State Rep. Bob Allen was a family-values conservative who opposed gay rights and, shockingly, then got arrested for offering to blow some random black guy in a public park restroom, and to pay the guy 20 bucks for the privilege. The guy turned out to be an undercover cop.

Who could possibly have seen that coming? But let's hear Allen's side of it ...

Florida House of Representatives

"Seriously, this big. How could I not ask?"

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The Excuse:

First off, Allen wasn't in the park that day hunting for some gay sex, oh no. You see, he had helped secure funding for that park and was just checking in to see how it was coming along. When a thunderstorm brewed up, he decided to duck into the public restroom -- presumably because somewhere deep inside, he knew that outwardly homophobic politicians who secretly love to blow random dudes are like human freaking lightning rods.

Florida House of Representatives

Oh, and Allen's "Recreational Interest" according to the House website? Water sports. You're welcome.

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After he was nice and comfy in his bathroom stall, Allen noticed that there was a "stocky black guy" in one of the other stalls. Fearing for his safety (he said he didn't want to become a "statistic"), Allen did what anyone would do in that circumstance: He offered to take the guy out to his car, blow him, and toss him a 20 to sweeten the deal. It was the only thing he could do to avoid a savage murder at the hands of a stocky black man.

For some reason, the authorities didn't buy his "blowjob as a self-defense technique" story, and he was brought up on prostitution charges that would prove disastrous for his political career. But Allen wasn't quite done displaying his master excuse-making skills just yet. You see, the real reason he was being stripped of all his committee assignments had nothing to do with the prostitution arrest -- it was to give younger lawmakers the chance to serve in leadership positions.