Glenn Beck may be many things—a New York Times best-selling author; a multi-media, multi-millionaire showman; a middle-aged incarnation of Calvin if he had sold Hobbes for a chalkboard and Nazi conspiracy theories—but the former pundit is decidedly not up to date on his TiVo. Proving so, the former Fox News host praised a hip new television show at the Faith & Freedom Coalition conference on Friday:Glee. “It’s brilliantly done,” Beck announced. “It’s produced, brilliantly. Its music, brilliant. Its acting, brilliant. Its cinematography, brilliant. All of it!” Well, all of it except for its “horrifying” messages, which Beck plans to upend in a rival series that the tears-prone conservative has announced.

Beck implied that his untitled anti-Glee will feature characters that aren’t “sleeping with everybody else” and who have values other than self-gratification. To prove that he is seriously considering appealing to America’s youth in musical-TV-series form, Beck has revealed that he is even working with a rapper on his project. When not pressed for a name, he explained, “I can’t say who yet—but my audience and his audience will say, ‘What?’”

In celebration of this coldly awaited conservative spin-off of a series that many viewers, including those at VF.com, have already given up on, we’ve quickly brainstormed a few bizarro Gleepersonalities that we’d most like to see on Beck’s reboot:

Ramone Berry, a passionate guitarist/lead member of his school’s glee club who aspires to be like his role model, Ted Nugent. (In a pivotal episode, Nugent will guest-star as a Regionals judge alongside Tom Selleck and Bo Derek.) In spite of his rock and roll aspirations, Ramone preaches abstinence until marriage. Each year, Ramone takes the first day of hunting season off from school to engage in the activity with his parents, who, despite their same-sex relationship, believe that marriage should legally be between a man and a woman.

Lynn Moray, an uptight cheerleader (played by Bristol Palin) who is castigated by the entire student body when she becomes pregnant during her sophomore year. After taking responsibility for the child and re-pledging her abstinence, she is begrudgingly accepted back to school and to the glee club.

Bill Huster, the glee club’s teacher, who seeks marriage counseling rather than a divorce after he finds out that his wife faked a pregnancy and tried to buy an unborn baby from one of Bill’s students. (Forgivable offense!)

And Patricia Heaton as the substitute economics teacher whose lesson plans on fiscal conservativeness are so sexy to Bill that he represses his adulterous urges and sets her up with his brother.

Make your own character suggestions for Glenn Beck’s anti-Glee in the space below!