This revolutionary ellipse-shaped toaster is for the kind of people who get married to bridges

What?

The Tunnel toaster (£59.95, prezzybox.com) is an elliptical section tunnel, walled with heating elements, floored with an extractable tray. Baked goods clamped within rails are singed to palatability.

Why?

Hurtling towards a chaotic breakfast? Take the tube.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Croissant crimper. Photograph: Jill Mead/The Guardian

Well?

I had to temper my natural enthusiasm when I heard about this revolutionary type of toaster, because I’ve been burned before. In fact, this terrible month has also been a toaster rollercoaster. First, my mind was blown when I read that the numbers on a toaster dial refer to minutes, rather than darkness of toast. Then I discovered most toasters don’t possess timing chips, so the numbers relate to an arbitrary scale of brown-ness after all. What a waste of feelings. Still, I was determined not to pre-judge the tunnel toaster, an original design that slides bread slices horizontally into a wraparound grill, for more even toasting. Other benefits include accommodation of unwieldy foods, an easier-to-clean tray and the fact that toast is lovely.

A button press opens the grips, and I lay my bread to rest. I slide the tray inside the chapel-shaped oddity; the tunnel glows red. It’s not unlike conducting a cremation. The device bears a warning: “Do not insert fingers.” Is it, by omission, an invitation to jimmy in other body parts? Weirdly, I do want to slide my fingers inside the hot, red tunnel. It would be so easy.

My reverie is broken by the smoke alarm beeping. I don’t know whether to lay the table or wrap a damp towel around my mouth and crawl out of the house. There’s no popping; I miss the athletic climax of standard toasters. This machine is long, and the extended tray doubles its length – useless on a cramped counter. Furthermore, prying toast out of the red-hot guard-rail is like a high-stakes round of Operation. It would be fun, but I literally have skin in the game.

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I’m not sold on toast sliders. Of course, the real slide is our collective slide into irrelevance, epitomised by this machine. If you’re one of those people who is weird about tunnels, or gets married to bridges, then have at it. For anyone else, there’s little here to love.

Redeeming features?

You can pull out at any point to inspect the toast – a nice touch. The holding rails did put a crimp in my croissant, however.

Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?

Don’t walk towards the light. 2/5

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