I thought we were building a family. I thought we were working on a future together. Each child got his last name because he was the father and that’s how it’s done.

He wasn’t much of a father. He chose drugs over his children.

It became more and more clear that there would be no future between us.

I’d never take his last name because he never asked to marry me. His kids still carry the name though. Even though he is no longer alive.

Photo by Camille Brodard on Unsplash

Even if he was alive, he wouldn’t really be part of their lives. That’s the choice he made. Yes, I broke up with him but that didn’t mean he had to break up with his kids.

I get to be reminded of him daily. They have his last name. He was their father. You get your father’s last name.

But I was more of a father to them. I have been mother and father for most of their lives. Shouldn’t they have my name?

Why does he get that honor? Because he sired these kids? Sure, he got me pregnant but he didn’t have a hand in bringing them up. Shouldn’t I have the honor of passing down MY name?

Image by ThreeMilesPerHour from Pixabay

Shouldn’t they carry the name of the parent who actually cared about them? It’s been on my mind a lot. Maybe it’s just a name. Maybe it doesn’t carry that much meaning.

But it does to me. It’s like he is getting credit from beyond the grave. Sure, they are related to him but he hasn’t had a hand in raising them to be who they are turning out to be.

It’s like he inadvertently gets credit for their accomplishments just because they carry his name.

His name gets tacked onto any award they win and any success they might have.

Yet he never guided them to any of it. He only helped create them. He never passed down any life lessons to them. He left them. Yet they still carry his name.

Image by kaleido-dp from Pixabay

I don’t know what is “normal” in this type of situation. They took his last name with the hopes that we would all be a family. That we would stay a family. When he gave that up, can they take the name back?

I don’t think it is my choice to make. Maybe they want the name of their birth father. Do I get to make that choice just because I am their mother?

Perhaps I shouldn’t be upset about it but I am.

I want them to have my last name.