My night started out typically enough. My roommate and I decided to go out for a few drinks. Once we got back home, very tipsy and very emotionally vulnerable, we went back and forth about the various complaints we have about our bodies…no big deal! I thought that was the end of it, until I woke up the next morning with a handwritten letter in my mailbox from someone whose name I didn’t recognize.

And that’s how I found out that superstar actress and relentlessly body-positive Twitter presence Jameela Jamil had decided to hunt me down for saying that I hated my thighs.

I don’t know how she even got my address, but her letter went into great detail about how women need to reject the unattainable beauty standards that society pressures us into conforming to, how we need to uplift ourselves and the women around us through our body-positive words and actions, and how she plans to do everything in her power to find me and make sure that I am rid of even the smallest insecurity about my body.

I thought about calling the cops; I thought about filing a restraining order. But then I realized that, even though she lives in Los Angeles and is very rich and successful, Jameela Jamil is willing to temporarily suspend her acting career in order to stalk the streets of Des Moines, Iowa, searching for me and the thighs I am less than thrilled about. I know she will stop at nothing, so I know that getting law enforcement involved is futile. I don’t know who to turn to about this!

I’ve tried to DM her various social media accounts to tell her that I’ve seen the light. But my messages go unanswered. I’ve resigned myself to my fate: Jameela Jamil is pooling all of her resources into finding me and forcefully demanding that I love my body shamelessly, spitefully cherishing the skin I’m in to stick it to an industry that makes money from our self-hate. She even had her boyfriend, James Blake, record and release a single entitled “Jessica Accept Your Body The Way It Is (Or Else).” I know she’ll find me.

To anyone out there reading, please heed my warning: Do not, under any circumstances, mention a qualm you have with your body out loud. Jameela will find out, and she will do whatever it takes to hunt you down and force you into loving and embracing your every physical flaw.