Semed, who sources say needs to actually deal with his problems rather than just moan about “mass murder” this and “my family was killed” that.

BERAHLE, ETHIOPIA—Six months after deciding his life was just too hard and fleeing over the border to Ethiopia, cowardly Eritrean man Ismael Semed continues to hide from his problems at the Berahle refugee camp, sources confirmed this week.


According to international aid workers, the 33-year-old refugee, a member of East Africa’s Afar ethnic group who wimped out and abandoned his home last May following a violent raid by the Eritrean Army, would rather run off and live in a makeshift tent in the middle of the desert than own up to the challenges in his life and deal with them like a grown man.

“When the going got tough, Ismael could have bucked up and addressed his issues face-to-face, but instead he just took off to a different country at the first sign of trouble,” Red Cross worker David Rowe said of the pathetic runaway, noting that Semed threw in the towel the second a large, well-armed military regiment raided his village and slaughtered his family. “Well, I have news for you, buddy: You can’t just bury your head in the sand every time life gives you lemons. When a problem comes up, you fix it. You fix it and move on with your life. Because that’s what adults do.”


“Is it easier to just ignore all your problems—like ethnic cleansing and homelessness—and hope they go away? Sure,” Rowe continued. “But no one ever succeeded in life by taking the easy way out.”

Describing him as “a quitter, plain and simple,” sources confirmed that Semed completely chickened out the night of the massacre by crawling out the back of his hut and cowering in the nearby brush, where, sources speculated, the weak-willed man decided to just completely shut out the sight of his settlement being razed and his relatives’ bodies being thrown into unmarked graves rather than tackling the problem head-on. The spineless pushover reportedly scampered off with his tail between his legs to the refugee camp the following day, and is now, by all accounts, content to just give up and pity himself for the rest of his life.


Human rights group representatives confirmed that the spineless man breaks into tears every time they attempt to ask him how many women and girls in his village were sexually assaulted during the raid, with Semed reportedly bawling like a helpless child just because someone brought up something he didn’t like. Additionally, whenever aid workers even mention the subject of rebuilding the homes destroyed in the raid—an issue that, let’s face it, isn’t going to fix itself—he reportedly pushes the volunteers away just like he pushes away all of his responsibilities.

Sources went on to report that Semed, a big crybaby widower who shouldn’t be using the murder of his wife and children as an excuse to just utterly give up, would rather live off humanitarian handouts for the rest of his life than snap out of it and get his act together.


“Ismael needs to realize that everyone faces challenges in their lives, and that you can’t just pull a blanket over your head and expect someone else to take care of everything for you,” said State Department official John Pollard, who echoed the sentiments of all those familiar with Semed by asserting that the oversensitive refugee needs to “suck it up” and “grow a pair.” “When my computer died, I lost everything. But I didn’t turn tail and run 100 miles to a United Nations relief camp just because things didn’t go my way. No, I went to Best Buy and bought an external hard drive so it wouldn’t happen again.”

Nonprofit workers explained that, unfortunately, Semed may never stop running away from his difficulties, noting that whenever they approach him about the possibility of voluntary repatriation—an option that would allow the gutless refugee to finally grow up and act like a mature adult for once in his life—the weak little excuse for a man resolutely refuses to return to Eritrea.


Instead, the pitiful, thin-skinned man said he would rather stay in the refugee camp for the foreseeable future, because that’s the mind of a quitter for you.

“I’m just barely starting to feel safe here, and going back to my village now is something I can’t even imagine,” Semed told reporters, repeating another one of his 1,000 pathetic excuses for why he can’t confront his problems and actually do something about them, which is what an actual grown-up would do. “So many of my friends and relatives were murdered right in front of me that day, and it could have just as easily been me. I still hear their screams in my dreams every night.”


“Right now, I’m just happy to be [a complete fucking pussy],” he added.