San Diego State freshman move-in weekend: an essay through Instagram.

Moving into college is a big deal. So big, that it’s important to take pictures of your bedding and coffee. I spent the past few days keeping an eye on the #SDSU tag on Instagram for move-in weekend. Here is what’s going on with freshmen these days:

Statistically, all of these girls already have mono.

OK, nobody actually calls Zura “The Zoo” after the first week. Call it by it’s real name “Arkham Asylum with shittier furniture”.

18. Go to a frat party

19. Visit Planned Parenthood Express

20. See the zoo!

One of these girls will use the other’s lotion later this month. They will never speak again for the remainder of the year.

Sir, it’s only move-in weekend and you have already managed to take possibly the douchiest Instagram picture in the storied douchey history of SDSU. The goatee, the car, all of it. I am honestly just impressed.

Remember, if you don’t photo collage it, it didn’t happen.

Within the first 2 weeks, 14 of these people will have vomited in public, 9 will have peed somewhere other than a toilet, 6 will have already failed out of school and 3 will be pregnant.

GUYS LET’S PRETEND TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND FLIP OFF THE CAMERA SO EVERYONE KNOWS HOW HARD WE GO. MAKE SURE TO USE THE WALDEN 2 INSTAGRAM FILTER. #HARD #YOLO

Miss, I have serious doubts about how real the turnup is gonna be at this school-sponsored welcome party.





Well shit. That turnup actually seems pretty damn real.





Bro, nobody has ever looked hard holding a fucking trombone. Stop it. Marcos sounds like a jackass.

For some of these, I don’t have a joke, just look at these hashtags and weep for our nation’s future. #PalmPalms

I’d really like to make fun of this dude’s shirt (2002 CALLED HAHAHA) but he had a better Saturday night than me so whatever.

Wait, are bare midriffs back? They were big in the early 00’s and then disappeared and now they’re back. WHY DID I GO TO SCHOOL IN THE MIDRIFFS GREAT DEPRESSION?

BAND MODE BRYAN RANSOM ON THE PHOTO BOMB,

Why is that chick’s younger sister wearing an SDSU MOM shirt? … Oh. Oh my …

FUCK OFF, SOUTH DAKOTA STATE. YOU MAKE THIS SHIT A LOT HARDER TO FILTER THROUGH.

Yup, nothing says “College student” like paying $7 for a bottle of juice

FIGHT ON AND ON [tear rolls down cheek] YE AZTEC MEN [sniff] …

“400 eggs, 50 pounds of chicken breasts, 3 tubs of Creatine and 1 crate of extra medium condoms. TURN UP!”

Do these kids know the trolley doesn’t go to the beach? Have fun at Old Town, dude still wearing free shirt.

Sir, your baby is currently at Sig Ep. There will be no survivors.

This picture was taken at 10:08 PM, August 24, 1987.

This will actually be the size of these girls’ apartment when they move to PB in 2 years.

You may have just moved in, but you’re already douching at an upperclassman level.

You forgot penicillin.

Stupid, nerdy-ass lanyards on freshman: NOT JUST FOR DUDES ANYMORE!

A: What the fuck are you doing taking selfies at Hepner?

B: He might be worth your tears.

The best way to make friends is to immediately identify your roommates by race.

You got here 2 days ago you fucking dolt.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE THAT EXPECT A SCHOOL-ORCHESTRATED WELCOME MIXER TO BE GOOD? I was a fucking loser freshman year even I avoided that shit.

You’re not wrong. And America thanks you for it.

I submit this as final proof La Casita’s > Trujillo’s.

I have no joke for this. It’s just super fucking cool.

There’s “SDSU MOM” and “SDSU DAD”, why isn’t there an “SDSU BOYFRIEND WHO GOT LEFT BEHIND AND IS WEEPING WHILE MASTURBATING RIGHT NOW”?

Let’s pray neither of these men find out what happens on this bed this year.

Instagram comments from parents make children distance themselves!

Go Aztecs.