“So, I remember when I was a kid, I was waiting for my mom to come home when she was working late, and, you know, I was like, ‘Oh my God, what happened to her? Is she OK? Did something happen to her getting in the car?’ I was a little kid. But those are actually early onsets of anxiety.” -Vinny Guadagnino

When I first realized I had a problem I went out there looking for what others have said about anxiety and I came across the opening quote. Those words were a bit of a revelation and taught me that this is nothing new in my life and has been around for a very long time. It took me a while to realize who this person was, a cast member of the Jersey Shore. I’ve seen some episodes but never really imagined I would be able to relate on any level to a cast member (except about Italian food, which is delicious). I respect Vinny Guadagnino for coming out about his anxiety issues. I watched the episodes relating to his rougher times and I like to think that someone suffering from anxiety saw the episodes and realized they weren’t alone. On top of that it doesn’t come from anything they or I have done. Vinny is paid very well to be on a show where he gets to party and enjoy himself. Sounds like a pretty sweet gig and yet he still suffers from this disorder and so much so that he had to take a break from that life. In my research I have found many famous people both alive and from history who suffer from anxiety. Knowing that world leaders like Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln were able to accomplish the things they did while fighting this fight have been an inspiration for me personally.

When I was a kid I did the exact same thing the quote above described. If my parents went out at night I stayed awake in my bed till I heard them come in. I stayed awake, scared, wondering “what if” for hours. Even if they called to check in it did little to let me sleep. I would most certainly say these were the earliest signs of my anxiety but eventually I got older and became a teenager and started to separate from my parents. It was at this time that I could sleep no matter where they were. In fact I’ve thought about it for a long time and my teenage years through my early twenties were almost entirely anxiety free.

I have a theory about this. During this time in my life I was very busy which lead to plenty of normal anxiety that everyone experiences. I was anxious and constantly wondering what I would do with my life, would I meet someone, where will I live, will I find a job. Then there were the simple things like “will I pass this test” and “will anyone be available to hang out this weekend.” During these years I stayed so busy I just didn’t have time for anxiety. It was only during some in between times when my life was calm and stable that I would start worrying more than usual. I remember sitting at work when I was twenty-two and I felt a little dizzy and suddenly started thinking I was having a stroke. I worried about this for a few days but soon it was gone. I knew that I was OK but it was a thought I couldn’t shake. This would happen every once and a while but it never became a problem outside of a few days at a time. Then, a few months later I found myself moving to the coast to finish school and those little episodes disappeared.

A large contributing factor in my current issues was my absolute refusal to live with stress. Up until my mid twenties I kept a very laissez-faire attitude towards things. I had this fervent belief that the best way to live a long and happy life is to live stress free. I still hold this belief but I’ve since had to amend the knowledge that in order to not have stress you have to deal with the stress. My previous attitudes of avoiding stress worked in the short term but in reality it was less avoidance and more just postponing. This was something that affected my personal relationships and work performance and eventually became a huge source of problems when the various sources of stress could no longer be avoided.

It wasn’t long into my second voyage through college that the US economy tanked and I had to move back home with my parents. At the same time my roommate at college and close friend from childhood also moved back home. I hadn’t seen him for weeks since we moved back and we no longer lived together but one night talking to him he explained to me that he had been having some mental issues. He told me he was having very weird symptoms and the doctors had thought it could be stomach cancer but then didn’t find anything wrong so they diagnosed him with GAD. He said he was trying to find a medication that worked for him because he was having some severe reactions to the first prescription they put him on. I remember being kind of curious about this and asked a lot of questions but at the time I didn’t make the connection that some of my behaviors and thoughts correlated to what he was going through.

Now in my mid twenties I worried about living at home while finishing school. I did find a job but it paid too little and I was having relationship troubles. But no anxiety! My mind was far too busy with real problems to fabricate its own. Then things started turning around. I found the girl that I’m still with today. I got a great job in a good field. I was able to move my girlfriend and I out of my parent’s house and into our own place. Financially I was secure, our relationship was outstanding, and I was getting good comments at work. Then it all went to hell.

While sitting at work one day I noticed some neck pain but ignored it. Then it was back the next day and I remembered hearing that neck pain was a symptom of viral meningitis. Then I noticed I started to feel bad, not like a cold coming on but like I was detached from my surroundings. I was still doing my job and carrying own but there was a hurricane of intrusive thoughts in mind. Later on I asked my coworker and he said I was acting perfectly normal but in the moment I genuinely feared I was both dying of viral meningitis and losing control of my own mind. When it was finally time to get off work I drove home and sat on the sofa next to my girlfriend. I tried playing some games on my phone to distract myself but suddenly it was as if my time skipped forward. I knew I was dying. I also knew it was too late to do anything but I jumped to my feet and started putting my shoes on. My girlfriend was getting frantic asking me what was going on but I could barely talk. I somehow communicated to her that I needed to go to the hospital immediately. Walking down the stairs I hoped that we would get there in time to save my life but I knew it was too late. I knew these were my last moments. I remembered reading about people who just drop dead of strokes or some exotic disease and I imagined the newspaper headline saying “29 Year Old Local Man Drops Dead.” When we got to the car and started to leave I called my mom to let her know to meet us at the hospital that something was seriously wrong.

“Son, calm down, you’re going to be OK, this is just a panic attack.”

As soon as she said it it all faded away. My heart stopped racing, my thoughts slowed down, my muscles relaxed. We drove to my parent’s house and I just sat and wept for a moment trying to describe what had happened. Luckily she had been through many attacks and understood everything. Once I had calmed down I went home and called my friend who was now mostly passed his anxiety who came over and sat with me for a while helping me stay calm.

I felt relieved. All this time I had these weird moments and had no idea what they were but now I knew. I knew it was just a misfire in my mind. Best of all I figured now that I knew what it was I could stop it in the future. The nightmare was over and I would be ok. Unfortunately this was just underestimating my enemy. At the time I didn’t realize how conniving anxiety was. But I did feel better and it lasted for quite some time.

Looking back it’s easy to see why my anxiety presented itself when it did. Within a matter of months I started a new job in a growing but stressful company, moved out of my parents house, moved in with my girlfriend, and left behind some close friends from my old job. At first it was exciting and scary but once I settled in and things became calm the anxiety hit hard. As you might see in following posts this tends to be a theme that relates strongly to my particular brand of disorder. In fact when things get stressful it usually gives me a break from the worry because my mind is too busy. But it never fails that once the dust settles the anxiety shows up to take its place.

In the next section I’m going to dive into the descent of anxiety. I’ll talk about how it went from a one time occurrence to a few times a month, to a few times a week, to an almost constant thing. The next section is where things get dark. I’m also going to discuss a very important moment and that was the time I knew I couldn’t just keep fighting it on my own and I got help. See you then!