What’s up, ladies?!?!?!?!?!! Dude Corner here, and I just wanna say: My heart goes out to all the girls looking for a relationship in today’s modern world. It can be scary to put yourself out there when most guys are just looking to dick you down. So I just want to assure all you females that some of us are different. Although most guys just want sex, I’m not like most guys: I would also be totally okay with just hand stuff.

Most guys lie and say they want a relationship when they’re just looking to hit it and quit it. I’m also looking to hit it and quit it, but by “it” I mean any part of your body, even just your hand. I’m not picky.

Even worse, a lot of guys pressure girls into sex on the first date. I’d never do that! I’m totally fine with taking it slow, as you slowly place your hand on my crotch and kind of just move it around a bunch.

When I take you on a date, I won’t spend a lot of time talking about myself and “mansplaining” issues to you, because I have no noteworthy accomplishments and I don’t like to think a lot. Instead, I’ll just nod and agree with whatever you say until your slender fingers make their way over my pants, and then under my pants. This could take minutes, or hours, depending on what you want – I believe in a woman’s right to choose.

And don’t worry: I won’t stare at your breasts, because I don’t need to touch them. I’m perfectly capable of getting off on your hand sans identifying features.

But I’ll be honest: I’m not perfect. Sometimes I fall prey to toxic masculine desires and feel the urge to go all the way with a nearby woman. When I feel myself tempted by these disrespectful thoughts, I have to keep myself grounded. And I do. When I remember the pure, untainted connection between my dick and a woman’s hand, I know it’s totally worth it to approach her and politely ask for that alone.

Ladies, if you’re interested in a different kind of man, hit me up. But only first-class candidates need apply. I want a girl who I can bring home to my mother – and maybe give me an over-the-pants-handjob while we’re there.