By DOUGLAS HELLER Dec. 28, 2015

WASHINGTON – Citing a citizenry armed with an increasing number of semi-automatic handguns, easily-modifiable sporting rifles and a number of hunting rifles, the United States Military was forced to abandon its imperative of imposing nation-wide martial law.

Paul J. Selva, Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, voiced his disappointment with yet another failed attempt by the US government to impose its will upon an ever-vigilant populace.

“Once again,” said Selva, “we have been thwarted. Despite years of planning and decades of experience earned from our previous attempts to turn the entirety of the United States into a dystopian, fascist regime through our use of superior military force, we were again outmatched by millions of Americans who own civilian and – in some cases – military-grade firearms.”

Major General Stephen M. Twitty, commander of the 1st Armored Division, stated that “Our armored brigades, capable of rapid tactical deployment into direct combat against ground forces, can’t hold a candle to the overwhelming might of a disorganized population of gun owners. While it’s been demonstrated time and time again that military-styled civilian rifles pose no threat whatsoever to the general citizenry, a semi-automatic AR-15 is the only tool capable of stopping an M1A2 Abrams tank dead in its tracks.”

Admiral Michael S. Rogers, commander of the United States Cyber Command also expressed disappointment. “We always assumed that our operatives’ inconceivable level of technical acumen, coupled with the near-total computerization of this country’s infrastructure would give us an advantage over the flow of information and resources throughout the nation,” lamented Rogers. “But how are we supposed to utilize our vastly superior technology to utterly cut off the entire Eastern Seaboard’s access to power, communication, water and emergency services if some kid in Alabama just taught himself to bump-fire his sporting rifle? Or because some guy in California owns a .50 caliber sniper rifle? How are we supposed to contend with that? We’re dead in the water.”

Drone operator Sgt. Megan Hoffman confirmed that her unit’s operations had also been severely compromised by an armed citizenry, essentially rendering the military’s thousands of unmanned drones impotent.

“You’d think that sporting rifles were only good for mass shootings or tragic accidents,” said Hoffman, “but in reality, they’re the only thing preventing someone like me from performing a point-blank tactical missile strike against a target the size of a keyhole with a supernatural level of accuracy using a joystick and a keyboard from the safety of a control room five hundred miles away. How is an unmanned drone operator like me supposed to compete with someone who owns a Bushmaster ACR? Thank heavens that no one in ISIS has access to sporting rifles, or I’d be out of a job.”

Meanwhile, armed citizen Luke Andrew Bowman, 24, of Oregon, was still reeling from accidentally shooting his two year-old niece in the face while he was cleaning a loaded .45 caliber pistol earlier this week.

Reached for comment, Bowman said “I mean, it was scary to accidentally shoot my niece right in her face like that, sure. But if I was to get rid of my gun, there’d be nothing to prevent President Obama from targeting my home with a nuclear strike. My niece’s face is a small price to pay when weighed against the perpetual threat of government tyranny.”