HARRISBURG, PA—Growing increasingly unnerved by the odd yet familiar patty, a hamburger on local man Bryan Greene’s backyard grill was reportedly creeped out Monday by its eerie soy facsimile cooking nearby on the grate. “My God...we’re so different, and still...so alike,” uttered the meat slab to its double, whose round shape and meat-like consistency resembled its own but whose bizarre, tan exterior sent the most frigid of shivers through its ground-beef body. “We are so similar, our four-minute cooking time, are we not brothers? But what, then, of your unnaturally circular shape? Or the peculiar plastic wrap from which you came? And you had sear marks before ever being set upon the grill. Lord in heaven, what are you?” At press time, the burger froze in horror as it watched the vegetable-based product fail to bleed when it was placed on a bun and cut in half.

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