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Many years ago when Ruth Van Reken was writing her first book about being a TCK, Letters never sent, we talked for many hours about our similar experiences as MK, going to boarding school, and separation from families and friends. I came back to the US permanently when my parents retired to finish HS in California after attending an International School for most of school years. I could understand my fellow students not knowing about Iran or what it was like to live abroad, but I had trouble with their lack of interest in learning anything about it. As others have written, I didn’t feel as though I fit in. I found myself not talking about my past as it made me obviously different. After 55 years of moving around to different states: California, New York, Hawaii, Arizona, Idaho, and New Jersey I retired last year and moved to Panama. I have met other expats here who have had similar experiences and who can relate to my choices. One thing I have learned is that home is where you are. You can take your roots with you and find inner peace with your life if you don’t expect everyone around you to ‘understand you’. The work that the writers about TCK’s have done is great in helping us understand ‘why’ we feel this way and how we can help those around us to gain an understanding of our world. I am in the process of compiling a book about my mother’s 30 years as a medical missionary in Iran. Reading over her reports and letters has brought back many memories, both good and difficult, but which have helped me enjoy reliving the past and be proud of the ‘different’ life that I led. To me it wasn’t different, but normal. What hasn’t been discussed much is the emotional problems of adults, such as missionaries who have spent 30 to 40 years of their adult life living and working in another culture. Bonding with that culture, then having to leave at 65 or 70 at retirement and return ‘home’. But where is home? How difficult is it to readjust to their home culture which they haven’t lived in for most of their adult life?

There has been some research into the concept of constructing an identity as Olga suggests, and there are many ways in which this happens. Liliana Meneses looks at the role of language and memory in identity-formation in her essay in Writing Out of Limbo. Most of the memoirs in both of my books have to do with coming to an understanding of self even when the worlds around you keep changing. I welcome more insight into this matter, as it is a subject that continually fascinates me. To Margaret, who wrote about missionary kids and their missionary parents — you may be particularly interested in the MK memoirs in Unrooted Childhoods and Writing Out of Limbo. Feel free to write to me directly and I will send you some titles about medical missionaries. The urge to move, the bittersweet memories of what has been gained and lost as TCKs and expats — these things stay with us — the hope is that we come to a place of comfort being an outsider, knowing that there is a community of others like us spread all around the world. My wish is that therapists, counselors, teachers and others who work with TCKs and expats learn more about how constant mobility affects these children, and can help with appropriate interventions when difficulties arise.

As a 73 year old TCK (Hungary, Germany, Venezuela, UK, USA) and polyglot, I am thankful for the muliple paths of my life. I feel like a true citizen of the world.

Perhaps we, the citizens of many culures, are the last hope for this wretched planet.

The first two stanzas of Jorge Luis Borges poem should warm all TCK’s heart:

Si pudiera vivir nuevamente mi vida

en la proxima trataria de cometer mas errores,

no intentaria ser tan perfecto, me relajaria mas.

Seria mas tonto de lo que he sido, de hecho,

tomaria muy pocas cosas con seriedad. Seria menos higienico.

Correria mas riesgos, haria mas viajes,

contemplaria mas atardeceres,

subiria mas montanas, nadaria mas rios.

Iria a mas lugares a donde nunca he ido,

comeria mas helados y menos habas,

tendria mas problemas reales y menos imaginarios.

etc

I’m brazilian and my husband is from Sweden. Both of us moved out from home to live in different countries at age 16, without our parents. We’ve lived in different countries until we met in Gemany during college. After that we’ve lived in 2 other countries in Europe and went back to Germany, where our son was born. When our son was 2 years old we moved to Arizona, USA. Our daughter was born here in the US. Now we are planing on moving back to Germany, even when we know we won’t be there forever. Now I’m not concerning about us, as we know how to deal with our grief, it’s nice to share it with my husband, he knows exactly how I feel. We know the perfect place for us will never exist, but we take the best part of it for our lifes like the excitement about a new culture, new people, new enviroment, new rules, etc. The thing is that we were alredy “old” with 16 when we started moving arround and we have our routes very deep in our home countries Brazil and Sweden. What worry us is how it will be for our kids. I’m reading now all this books related to TCK to give them the best support, our son is now 5 and he gets very sad when we talk about moving out from here. I talk to him a lot about it, try to listen and understand what makes him feel sad and so. But anyone here that can give us more advices how to avoid him carring the consequences while he grew up?

I cannot tell you how rewarding it is to continue to receive responses to this blog post. So many do not realize what or who TCKs are — this includes many, many TCKs themselves — and to know that word is reaching them, and that perhaps some changes can come in the mental health field, and especially in prevention, fills me with hope. To Nick — gracias por la notita y gracias por el poema!

(Translation:: thank you for the note and thank you for the poem)

I am so happy that the many “multiple paths” of your life continue to enrich and inform you, and that you can celebrate being “a true citizen of the world.” This is the best possible outcome for a TCK. To JM, and to all who I know relate to her post — what a gift you are offering your son, through your own experiences and perspectives, and especially through your sensitivity and understanding of what transition may mean to him! The fact that you are aware of his sadness, that you accept it and let him express it, is probably the healthiest thing you can do for him, as long as he doesn’t dwell on sadness. As Ruth Van Reken and others have stated, children need the time to grieve their losses. I am not a therapist or mental health counselor, but I have collected and heard many TCK stories, and can share with you what some have said helped them. One suggestion is to allow your child to bring with him to his next location objects that symbolize/remind him of the last one. They do not have to be big; one young woman brought with her a matchbox filled with dirt from Africa, and when she was homesick, she would take it out and smell it. Others bring dolls, or photographs. With the availability of internet and skype and facetime, we are able to stay in touch much better with those left behind. As I am not sure which books you are reading, I also don’t know what to recommend. If you would like, feel free to post this note on the Writing Out of Limbo website, where others might respond directly. Thank you all — Nina Sichel

nsichel@yahoo.com

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Writing-Out-of-Limbo/170502939716542?ref=hl

p.s. So sorry, the Writing Out of Limbo page is a Facebook page, not a website.

I always feel a sense of loss when I moved, but I could never put my finger on it quite as well as you have here. What you described is so accurate. I lived in 15 different houses in my 19 years of life thus far and have lived in 4 different countries. Growing up, I hated moving because I was always leaving behind a friend, or place or a memory. When I lived in Canada, we owned a beautiful big house that we rented out to people when we moved to Europe. After my brother and I were going to head off to university, my parents were supposed to return from Europe and live in that house to eventually retire together. That didn’t happen. My dad died in Europe, far too young. He died in the house that I lived in for three years in Europe. When we moved back to Canada I felt such a loss because I knew I would never return to that house in Europe that he died in. But I was comforted in knowing that I still had that beautiful house in Canada to return to, full of memories of my dad and my family. But my mother decided the house was understandably too big to live in alone, so she is selling it. She is selling it this summer and it is likely the most profound loss out of all of them, because I will no longer have a home to come back to, at least one that I shared with my father. Thanks for this post, I look forward to reading the book.

I’d like to apologize to all the commenters for not reading your comments — your stories all look interesting and might reflect viewpoints like my own.

Anyways, as far as the post itself goes, I’d like to respond with some findings I myself have found in living on four continents, visiting another, and spending all of my life overseas. http://aj.mosaic.ws/at-home-in-uganda/

To spare you the entire post (above), in brief, my vision of home expands when I travel: and each place that I go to, becomes home for me. Rather than looking at my movement in a negative light, as loss — I try to look at it in a positive light as a strength. Andrew

This has never been written before! I am a classic case of a third culture kid. At 54 now, it is hard to classify myself as a kid, when I try to explain to people why I feel so unsettled and depressed in the world we live in and I need to share this story with people who might understand. I was born in Pensecola, Florida where my father was a Navy pilot. The first 5 years of my life, I barely knew who he was. We moved to Tennessee, Corpus Christy Texas, San Diego, California and then when I was 6 years old to Peoria, Illinois, where I started kindergarten and my father left the Navy and took a job with Caterpillar. With Caterpillar we moved to the overseas headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland where I attended first grade at the International School there. The next year we were transferred to Copenhagen, Denmark and we were located there for one and half years. I attended a British Catholic school where we were taught by nuns. By 3rd grade we were transferred to Stockholm, Sweden and by then I had learned to speak some Danish, playing with kids in the neighborhood. In Stockholm I attended the American School with many kids from famous families, the Papendreou’s were one them. My family returned to the United States back to Peoria, Illinois when I was 10 years old and I attended 5th grade at a local middle school, where teachers described me as hopelessly behind in reading and math. That year I made lot’s of friends and had special help to catch up on all the missing pieces in my education. I began to thrive, made significant improvements and started winning at swim meets. But that did not last long, the following year we were transferred to London. I remember being very upset about moving and not able to take my dog and loosing my neighborhood friends. I attended the American School in London and made the transition quite easily, although my name, Robin, was a burden and I was often teased by local British kids because it was a boy’s name. I fell in love with London, and became an expert on the city, getting around on the tube was a wonderful experience. I adored British history and the Tudor homes and palaces. I attended Wimbledon, had my first boyfriend and became an accomplished gymnast and swimmer. I was happy there….then we moved again and I was 14 years old. Our travels took us back to Geneva, Switzerland with Caterpillar and my parents finally told the company, no more moves until I had finished high school at the International School in Geneva. My high school years were wonderful and I am in touch with many of my friends from there to this day. It is true that the mobile community do have some sort of bond, that at the time was difficult to describe. I attended college in the United States like so many kids in my class from Switzerland. We all continued to stay in touch dealing with many of the same culture shock issues, that is now being identified as Third Culture Kid issues. I remember the feeling that I just could not fit into my college community. I did not know the TV programs or the jokes on Saturday Night Live, I did not drive, I did not want to binge drink and I was really focused on school. After a year or so, I began to assimilate and realized it was better not to say where I was from. It sounded so glamorous and I just wanted to be real. I told people I was from NJ, where my grandmother lived but ultimately I was known as the Swiss girl – kind of cool to bring home and introduce to your parents! After two years I took charge of my own life and goals and decided to study graphic design and photography, so I transferred to Rochester Institute of Technology. I befriended many other international students and tried hard to understand the American kids and professors there. I received and excellent education but had difficulty with Rochester, the city and no car. Where do I go once I graduate? I could not go back to Switzerland because I did not have a valid work permit and was no longer on my parent’s permit status because I was over 21. I went back to Switzerland and tried to find a job but work permits were hard to come by for a young college graduate with no experience. So after a wonderful summer back in Europe, I returned to my grandmother’s house in NJ, where I lived and took temporary work, while looking for a graphic design position. I pounded the pavements in NYC and after 7 months landed a terrific job with Gregory Fossella Associates in Boston. I fell in love with Boston. I felt at home there had family in the area, made some good friends and began to establish my own roots and then cam the recession in the early 80’s! Our company began to lay people off and the youngest designers were let go. After job hunting in my beloved city of Boston, collecting unemployment for 9 months, sending out over 100 resumes I decided to head back to Switzerland and teach skiing for a few months. I needed a change or a break! A long standing relationship with a wonderful man was rekindled in the mountains of Switzerland and we were married in 1983. My husband was British naturalized Swiss and I became a Swiss citizen, raising two beautiful girls in an ideal setting in a small village outside Geneva. My parents were still in Switzerland and for 16 years I felt like I finally found where I belonged. But it did not remain that way. In 1995 my parents left Switzerland and retired back in the United States. We visited when we could and I had a wonderful career, working in the development sector. As happens, my marriage ended in divorce and for a number of years I continued to work and started my own design consultancy. The challenge of raising two girls on my own became a major concern. They were bilingual and did not quite fit into the Swiss public school system, so with family support we placed them in the International School International, bilingual Baccalaureate program. They began to thrive and I began dating an old high school friend from Geneva, who lived in the United States and came frequently visit. I felt comfortable with this man in my life, he knew where I was coming from and he asked me to marry him and return to the United States. I did and moved to Circleville, OH! I can adapt, I said to myself and it will be nice to be closer to my family and daughter attending college in Connecticut. I had worked in developing countries and had lived all over the world. I thought his would just be just one more move. He promised me that we would not stay in Ohio, and would could easily move back to Wilmington, DE, which was an area I knew and liked. Then the recession hit. Knowone was moving anywhere, so I found myself looking for work in Columbus, OH. Now 6 years later, after completing my master’s degree and teaching at The Ohio State University I wonder what is next. Divorce for the second time, a deep rooted feeling that I do not belong, do not fit in am not understood or appreciated anywhere has left me depressed and wondering. Everyone say’s you are resilient and strong. You can go anywhere. Where? With a daughter in Shanghai working, another in Switzerland, parents in Rhode Island, family in Colorado, yes I suppose many are right. However, I depleted my financial resources as a single mother paying for private schools in the US for my girls, unable to collect unemployment during the recession. Now I need a job in a place that would welcome and appreciate me. With all the connectivity available there is no sense of belonging and I wonder where life’s path will take me. I am a great study in this third culture world and wish that in some way I could help others to make transitions easier, and educate those who do not understand what it is like to be an international nomad! I’d love to hear your suggestions.

Thank you all for your replies — so varied in tone, in substance, in personality! TCKs are an incredibly diverse group, and so are their experiences, and I am always grateful to those of you who choose to share them with the rest of us. We can all learn so much from each other. Fortunately, many children are able to hold onto the various forms of enrichment they encounter along the way — the people, places, topographies of their many homes — and grow into happy, healthy, positive adults. But for some, the constant uprooting is painful, if not damaging. I am still trying to figure out just why this is. Children within the same family often will have very different recollections of their childhoods, even though they grew up in the same places and under similar circumstances. I remember a passage written by a child psychologist who claims each child is actually born into a different family, because the parents change with time and there are siblings who also affect the dynamic. There are also circumstances that change with moves. There are outside issues that will influence children differently, political or social issues in countries where they are relocated, peer group issues, educational ones, and so on, that will affect some children more than others. And some people handle change better than others. I tend to think, with no factual proof, that much has to do with character, and the ability of the individual to adapt to changing circumstances. I’m looking forward to discovering information that confirms this for me — if anyone has a reference, please share it with other readers here and on the Limbo Facebook page. I have begun posting referrals to other sites on that page — writing contests, researchers looking for subjects, topics of interest to TCKs in general. Please feel free to “like” the page and take part in the conversation:

:https://www.facebook.com/pages/Writing-Out-of-Limbo/170502939716542 All best,

Nina Sichel

I found this page with absolute delight. I have been struggling a little lately. I am happy with myself, but being asked where I am from upsets the balance at the moment. I am not confused, I am a mix of many things. But having to explain to people that my parents are nationalities X and Y and that I grew up in A, B, C and D and as an adult have now lived in X and M, is confusing to them, and that confusion pushes my buttons!

May I ask, has anyone else had difficulty with dating or having relationships (as a result)? How do you find other adult TKCs? It’s easy to find expats but it’s not always the same.

The comments about family dynamics are interesting. We are still incredibly close with all the positive attributes, but there were negative ones, too.

I cannot believe how accurate this is. We moved the US 3 years ago and our friends and family were so excited we were finally home. But to my kids that spent the last 9 years in Asia this was not home. Asia felt like home and they are still struggling with them move. Can’t wait to share your article with the school counselor.

Thank you for your comments. The question of relationships has no easy answer, but I would encourage you to read about how other TCKs have handled the issue. Some people become wary of commitment, feeling relationships may not last; others grab on and hold tight. With internet, Skype, and other social media, maintaining connection has become much, much easier. You can find TCKs everywhere — they just don’t know who they are, and don’t self-identify! Global Nomads has chapters in many universities in the US, and international student centers tend to draw people who’ve grown up internationally. There are also meet-up groups that announce get-togethers online. Feel free to comment on the LIMBO facebook page and perhaps you will find a community right where you live that you were not previously aware of. I have found students in my memoir classes, who didn’t know they were TCKs, suddenly become aware of this new identity and seek out others like them. I do hope the children who are struggling with a move made three years ago find the kind of support and help and understanding they need to deal with this change… and that Heather shares not only the blog post but also the comments from others who have written in with their thoughts, as we do learn so much from each other! Nina Sichel

Am I TCA? Born in Indonesia to Indonesian parents, we all migrated to New Zealand when I was 8 and successfully assimilated, but am now in my 20s and moved to the UK.

This is awsome. Im glad that experiences like mine are shared and acknowledged. Sparing the details im a tck; and finding a belonging is hard. Ill never completely fit in to where I live and even if I go back “home” I wont have much in common with most of my people. Does this make me sad; yeah but at the same time I look at the opportunity to effect change and educate the less experinced. I usualy joke when people ask me where I’m from amd respond im a child of the world. Hopefully this discussion can help educate parents on what to do with their kids and how to help them help the kids learn to adapt and appricate the experiences so few of us get to live.

I’m sorry, my response seems to have been lost… There is much overlap with first-generation immigrant kids and TCKs in terms of experience and cultural identity… Ruth Van Reken has written about a new way of understanding what she calls Cross Cultural Kids, and her essay can be found in Writing Out of Limbo. Additionally, one can visit her website: http://www.crossculturalkid.org. “Child of the world” — I like that! I’d encourage respondents here to visit the Limbo facebook page and engage in conversation with other TCKs and CCKs: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Writing-Out-of-Limbo

My sister and I are TCKs. I was born in Ontario, Canada (1948) left to live in Quetta, Pakistan before I turned 3, for almost three years, returned to Ontario, Canada – a different place – for a year or two, then went to Colombo, Sri Lanka for about 2 years, back to Ontario, then on to Quebec, Canada, which is a French-speaking/cultural province, for 3 years and then on to Pittsford, NY, USA for another three years. At the end of that posting, we returned to Ontario where I have lived ever since, albeit in different locations.

We lived where my father’s firm posted us. My sister and I did not go to International schools nor did we live in separate communities in Asia. Our school mates and our caregivers, teachers, doctors/nurses, etc. were predominantly (but not exclusively) local. Each place was “home” until it wasn’t. I never have an answer for “what is your hometown”. Which one, I ask. We loved each place and felt we belonged there when we were children. As adults that’s harder to identify.

I am the mother of a TCK and I am now desperate. My son is 16 and we are Italian, but we worked abroad. My son grew up in Nigeria, then Angola, Nigeria again, United States, France and Ghana. For many years I have seen only the positive side of all this. I read the book of Ruth Van Reken and I paid attention to the grief every time we were moving and he was doing well, socialising, learning languages…we were very enthusiastic about all the new experiences, and he says he is very proud of the life he has done, but in the last two three years something started to go wrong in his attitude and we had to struggle with some principals and counsellors…he seems to have put a big shield to protect himself, to prevent any pain and he is acting like a bad boy who have seen everything in his life. He doesn’t like to have rules and when he performs in any subject he can excel but most of the time he doesn’t want to do things until it is really necessary. My heart is bleeding…he agreed to go to a wilderness therapeutic camp to be helped to find some answers, but after few weeks I am afraid that he is seen as a troubled boy without an eye to the fact that he is a TCK and he has identity doubts to solve, very different from boys who never left their home, plus he is Italian , European and the cultural background and the life view and philosophy can be a bit different from United States.

I would love to find someone or some place where the TCK could find a concrete help without being labelled just as difficult and troubled teens. Any information that can help is welcome.

Thank you, Barbara, for your comment. It seems the transitions for you were smoother than they have been for many others, at least in childhood, and I am curious about how, and why, that might have changed in adulthood. Gabri, the issue of mobility and its impact on mental health issues is something I raised in a second post on this site, and I have still received few responses — I think discussing mobility with those professionals who work with TCKs is of utmost importance, given that it is not a factor that is usually considered, though one that has lifelong consequences. If you would contact me separately and let me know where you are located, I will try to contact others in my network to see if there might be someone nearby you can talk with. My heart goes out to you, and I hope your son has found some peace, and you as well. Nina Sichel

Hi, my name is Josefina, or as some of my friend call me,Jo, and to others, Nina. I was born in 1997 in the beautiful country of Chile, South America, to two very Chilean parents.We were reolcated to Switzerland when I was 9, being immersed into a radically different culture, and faced being educated in an international schol where no kid studied at for more than two years because of the expat nature. The language barriers were doubled for me, for i was to learn English and French simultaneously from scratch, and i did not make any non-hispanic friends until my 3rd year there, where they had all left and i was left alone. Anyway, I am currently living in Puerto Rico, a Caribbean Island that happens to be US territory, and i find myself in a very difficult situation. until recently, i had accepted my life as an expat and had easily made friends until i reached 10th grade, where i realized that i am to graduate soon, too soon. You see, i was primarily educated in the IB system but i am now prepping for the SAT since i switched to an American School, and seeing as i am now going into 11th grade, I do not know where I will be living next year. The problem is that my parents want me to finish high school in Chile and go to college there, but they have no certainty as to whether that will be possible. Anyhow, that is still so terrifying because i do not feel chilean and do not remember what it was like to go to school there. Regardless, i don’t know where i might even study or what school system i might have to switch to, again. I want to study in the States, and this freaks my parents out!I have great anxiety and i cannot controll it, and this is making iy worse. I really do not know how to cope with this lifestyle, especially since the future is SO uncertain.This pretty much consumes so much of my time because i really have a hard time enjoying my relationships and friend because i never know how much time we have left in a place.

What a very brave note you submitted, Josefina — how insightful you are, and how clearly you are able to articulate the very issues that so many TCKs struggle with! Thank you for sending this note. Sometimes, the parents of TCKs assume that their home is their children’s home — that because they are so familiar with it, it will be familiar to their children — in your case, you left Chile early, and, though it may be home for your parents, it is no longer home for you… I wonder if you have spoken to your parents and school counselor about this? Going to Chile, for you, may feel like going to a foreign country now, and your parents may be better able to support you in your transition if they hear and understand your feelings. Your school counselor may be able to help you find either an American school or an IB program in your next posting so that there will be some familiarity at least in your educational program. It is often worthwhile to provide others with some reading material to help them understand TCKs, especially if this was not the way they were brought up. There are several books that are available and may be helpful — in addition to my own, I am thinking of Ruth Van Reken’s THIRD CULTURE KIDS and some of Robin Pascoe’s. I do hope you find time to enjoy your current relationships, even though their length may be uncertain. To live in anticipation of leaving is to deny yourself many of the pleasures you might find in your current situation. And, with the internet, Skype, and so much more moving around, you never know when you will see your friends again… I have recently connected with someone I had not seen since 1971, after a few years of facebook communication, and I can’t tell you how wonderful that was! I wish you all the best, Nina Sichel

Hi, my name is Laurie and I’m 15 and a tck. My parents are from Haiti and I’ve lived there as well as Botswana, South Africa, Rwanda, and the US. When I finished reading this article I was extremely upset. To me it painted the life of a tck as one of hardship and depression. Yes there are hardships but what it failed to mention was the joys of being a tck: the new and diverse kinds of people we meet, visiting different countries and integrating ourselves in different cultures; things not many people have the opportunity to do. Each tck story is different but failing to see past the sacrifices we make to the joy we later have, THAT is really what is dissapointing. Yes we are tck’s, but we are proud, not a charity/mental case. Sincerely,

Laurie

Thank you, Laurie, for writing in response to this blog. You bring up some very important points in your note — especially the recognition that most TCKs, when looking back at their childhoods, would not choose to have it any other way. It sounds like your experience has been, for the most part, a positive one, filled with the joy and enrichment one finds in living among diverse cultures. It is good that you have been able to take in so much, and that you are able to balance the losses against so many gains. Unfortunately, that is not the case for many others. And this blog was written to raise awareness among mental health counselors and others working with children who are showing signs of depression that there may be a larger story here, and one that few people know to ask about. Thank you for posting your response — may your travels continue to be rich and rewarding. Nina Sichel

I grew up in the Czech Republic, lived in europe since I was born, but hold an american passport, I’m all czech but in blood or paper. I just moved to the states about a year and a half ago to attend university. People think of me as depressed, angry or just distant. I’ve been a wallflower since I got here. You said that it isn’t regular depression or trauma. Would you suggest finding a therapist anyway? I live with me brother, but him and I, as close as we are, don’t talk very much about our life. Mostly because we are both rather withdrawn and are more interested in helping others than ourselves. So we don’t ever talk very much about anything. Would you suggest finding a therapist either way even though it isn’t clinical depression or trauma? Andrew Gregory

Thank you for writing in response to this post, Andrew. I am not a therapist and so I cannot say what is troubling you or even whether you are troubled — you say that others see you in a certain way, but I think it more important for you to think about how you feel, and whether or not you are unhappy in your current situation. Transition takes time, and can be smoother for some than for others. You should expect to have mixed emotions about having left a familiar place and people, and having to find your way in new circumstances. But that does not mean you are depressed! If you are feeling isolated or sad and find you are not functioning the way you would like, I am sure there are counselors you can speak to at your university who might be able to provide some guidance. I do think we need to give ourselves plenty of time to adjust to change, time to celebrate the excitement of the new and time to mourn the loss of the old, and space in which to do so. I wish you best of luck in your transition! Nina Sichel

I have honed my childhood to the concise statement: I am the oldest daughter of an American father and a Norwegian mother who grew up in Bahrain and Dubai, going to an English school. I loved my childhood, and can relate to many of the posts here, especially the ones that speak about being in one place so long that all of their friends left. Being the one left behind was already hard, and because of the situation, when my family finally left the Middle East, I wasn’t told until we were on the plane to return to the U.S. ‘for good’ Furthermore, as the oldest, I had the job of comforting my sisters, and I remember singing ‘Breakfast in America” to them on the plane. I was 13. I have lots of funny stories about arriving in a small town in Wisconsin with an English accent, my favourite being when a classmate asked where I had lived, and I said the Middle East, I received a puzzled look and the query, “…Pennsylvania?” It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I read anything about TCKs, and I did research on them (us) concerning cross-cultural adaptation. I think that what sets us apart is the ability to function with multiple frames of reference: i.e. being able to say, ‘If I answer that question with my American self, I would say…,” or my Norwegian, or Arabic, or which ever culture we have been part of. Though each of us have our own story, which may separate us, we have the ability to remain outsiders. This is not seen as an advantage to those who can’t step out of their own culture, but it is. Being the perpetual outsider leads to an objectivity that is not coldness, as is often perceived. We have the capability for considered open mindedness. I have learned to see this as an advantage as a moderator, and teacher. If life is what we make it, we have the advantage of more options, should we choose them. Thanks, Nina. I still weep when I read things that actually capture my life, because it is rare that I find a group of us.

Karen, many thanks for your post, which brings up so many important points. As I’ve said before, despite what are sometimes conflicting emotions, most TCKs are grateful for the experience of their international childhoods. Your post recognizes a very basic and essential consequence of living in and among different cultures: “What sets us apart is the ability to function with multiple frames of reference.” And you have been able to turn the outsider perspective into a real gift, as you describe its many advantages. I hope your note reaches many of our readers, and that they are able to absorb your own optimistic perspective. Nina Sichel

There is a piece by a Chinese poet, Xue Di, that I think captures the energy of this loss/adaptation/TCK-ness we are sharing on this thread. Hope it is interesting, even if a bit shattering! EARTH

Dry-eyed, we gaze down the road

at parents and children returning: scattered

bones abandoned on the waste land of memory

Each and every night the dead come back

carrying bouquets, wearing laundry-marked shirts

recognizing the sleepers. They guard us

When they leave, they leave their bouquets

next to our pillows. We wake, see the sunlight

Maybe we hear birds. Awake, we’ve

first of all the palpable recollection

of having been somewhere, having felt some

cold, having done something. Wide

awake: to wake is to forget

what shines is only the morning sun

and its light is not from life Our eyes dry, an earth remote from us

eats, drinks, sickens us

bewitches and crazes us. Still

deeply in love, we

left our lovers. Leaving our

childhood there, we left our roots

Only in sleep do we rejoin our relations. Each night

returning, quietly to feel

all old familiar faces, before

dawn, before we wake

Since then, living between two realities

we age at double speed

sunk in a confusio of everyday and inner worlds

We live and move along widening fissures

of fatigue, despair, dream, forgetfulness Childhood remains on that earth

of no return. Sleeping

we make love to old lovers

loving again in sleep, kissing and

drinking that earth in on our lover’s body

weeping for past love, writing for

love past, waking, wanting

to sleep again. Sitting in the sun, I

watch myself age towards that distant earth

aching to life the light and the fruit that

loom in the loneliness, lifting them high

in the old love, here among untold strangers.

A little part of me resents the idea that TCKs are somehow different from those who live in a pluralistic society. I do realize they have more dramatic language and geographical changes, when they travel culture-to-culture. But when you live in a dry town with people who are absolutely loving, and suddenly you have to go to the big public high school in a neighboring town where everybody drinks and makes fun of your parents, clergy, and culture, it’s hard to believe you’re a part of either place. Do you identify with the bully? Or do you identify with the loving people back home who are scorned for their admirable morality and pleasant community? I created my own third culture within myself, with my own beliefs, or I would have split into two personalities. I went off to university trying desperately to fit in with people who scorned my home, while all the time feeling wounded by the loneliness of knowing I could never really connect on an intimate level with other students when they couldn’t respect my cultural upbringing. Then I’d come home and try to pretend I loved my home even while resenting what felt like a scarlet letter on my life, a conservative fundamentalist scarlet letter. Eventually I learned to accept that my friends at university would never be truly close to me, because they would continue to wound me by their cynicism and scorn and superiority. And joining in their ways didn’t help me or feel good. To be healthy I had to find other domestic TCKs who understood bridging that gap to be my true friends instead. Maybe it’s possible to establish friendships across a pluralistic society, but it’s sure a lot harder than most cross-cultural TCKs give credit. I don’t think they can lay claim to owning the experience of feeling “on the outside” when there are lots of people who go through this every single day at school or at work and never in their lives experience the comfort of settling for a while into one homogenous society anywhere.

Thank you, Lydia and Katrina, for your December posts, and the emphasis you place on the split consciousness within so many of us. Crossing cultural boundaries can be difficult as well as enriching, regardless of the cultures crossed. What I have heard from so many TCKs, however, is this difference: that they are raised to believe they belong to a home culture OTHER than the one(s) they inhabit, and find, on entering that culture, that they don’t. Like the characters in the poem, the past inhabits them. Like Katrina, they question who in their various worlds really understands them. And they often find that their home culture is not a geographical location, but a place of comfort among others raised in similar, unrooted ways.

Thank you for all the comments. I can relate to so many. I grew up living as a global nomad, moving many times from country to country. As well, my Mother is from another country, so we also visited family in another country. As a result of the many moves, my brother and I are very close. We were best friends and support for each other growing up and still are today. I feel extremely grateful for all languages, cultures and experiences I was exposed to. I loved living overseas but had a very hard time when we moved back to the USA. We moved back here to finish high school but I encountered prejudice and bullying. I graduated early and went immediately back overseas. I came back only for the college semesters and would leave back to South America or Europe as soon as I could to be with my grandparents and friends. Finally, I ended up living and working in Washington, D.C. It is now home in the US. There are many global nomads here. Like me(us), there are people who grew up bilingual, bi-cultural, bi-religious, it is a fantastic city for global nomads or TCKs. I am a single mother with three beautiful young adult children and tried to expose them to different cultures, languages, the arts, literature and everything I could while they grew up. We would go to France, rent a car and travel all over. Now, one of them will follow in his Grandfather’s line of work with the State Dept., working and living overseas for his professional life. I grew up in Europe during a very special time. It was the early 60’s and into 70’s.”Europe on $5 a Day” I wish I could relive those years, but I am very grateful for my international life here with family and friends from all over the world. It was not always easy, but it was worth it for me.

Edite, I wonder if you have ever attended some of the TCK meet-ups here in Washington, DC? I know there are many people who are newly becoming aware of their TCK identity and could benefit from the wisdom of one who has come to understand hers. Your reflections on the closeness of your family, which you attribute to your many moves, are shared by many other TCKs, and I know what you mean about the infinite diversity to be found in Washington DC. It looks like you’ve found your home after all. And I’m happy to hear that the line continues into the next generation. Bravo!

I am a TCK, having moved around a lot with a father in the air force. I have very few memories of most of the places and of some places nothing at all. However, when I left school, I was not intimidated to move to a new country (and language) for a job.

Like others above, I found I could not settle in places and had a sort of Wanderlust. From Europe I moved down to Southern Africa.

Over the following years, I survived on short term permits in different countries – which added to an insecurity, as I never knew if they were going to be renewed. I had no ‘home’ to go back to so kept moving on.

18 years ago I had the joy of getting married. Due to visa problems, I could not stay in his country so we emigrated to another one. After the birth of our children we got citizenship there and, although we have spent the past 8 years living in yet another country, knowing I have a citizenship country to go back to helps a lot to give me peace here.

Our children are TCKs. They have lived in 3 towns in their birth country and 4 homes (2 towns) in this country. We have sought to keep their moves to a minimum and go back to their birth town every 3 years for 6 months to keep it fresh in their minds etc. We are ‘home’ there and ‘home’ here.

Yes, there is sadness at leaving friends and pets and … but very few people die in the town in which they were born. Moving is part of life. My children (teenagers) acknowledge the pain of parting but also the richness of their lives. They have friends in many countries and are not afraid to hop on a plane or train and visit them. My daughter is thinking about which country she would like to go and work in once she finishes school. The world is a much smaller and less scarier place for TCKS, generally speaking.

I do find the packing and moving each time tiring – but it is tempered with the knowledge that there are new experiences, new friends, new memories waiting to be made.

I can see how the parents’ attitude towards moving and towards their children when in transition plays a huge role in how the children adapt. Also, the personality of the children themselves. When we are together as a family, we are ‘home’ – regardless of where we happen to be.

I became a Christian a number of years ago, and the knowledge that we are all ‘pilgrims’, all just passing through this life, showed me the futility of looking to people, places and possessions for my security.

From my own problems when growing up – finding it hard to fit in because of my lack of local knowledge, I was not part of people’s history so got left out of conversations, or simply knowing I was only there for e.g. 2 years, etc – I can imagine many people would struggle for an identity. I don’t root for any team or have an accent that sounds like anywhere. At least, with the global village, the number of TCKs is growing so maybe we will soon be a majority and it will become the norm!

Thank you for making us all aware of pitfalls, for ourselves and our children. Thank you that people can at last put a handle on what they are feeling, be assured it is normal, and begin to deal with it in an informed way.

And thank YOU, “Kukusprite,” for the long response and sharing of your own views on this site. Your children are members of a vanguard: the new normal! How exciting this must feel for you!

I am kuksprites daughter and I am in grade 7. I think that being a TCK can also be enriching. Our world gets bigger and we become more aware. There have been tough times to say goodbye but then u make friends in other places.

… And I (Kukusprite) also want to thank you, Nina, for your reply and to point out that, like post-traumatic stress syndrome, this ‘cultural hiatus stress syndrome’ was unknown 40 years’ ago and parents often had no idea of the stress they were inflicting on the children. Forgiveness is also part of the healing.

How wonderful to receive a note from parent and child — and to know that the sensitivity of the parent has helped pave a path of positivity for the child. Many thanks! And may others share your outlook.

Hello, Nina and everyone— I very much appreciate Nina’s post, having reread it a second time tonight since it was first published here, and the many comments in response. Without a doubt, we are a diverse group. I’m a multiracial TCK who was born in Japan and raised in California, Micronesia, and Japan. It wasn’t until midlife that I learned (from another TCK) of the term Third Culture Kid and experienced an “a ha!” moment. As many others have expressed above, for much of my life I had no language with which to describe my feelings of otherness, dislocation, and grief. Now, as a psychotherapist who specializes in working with adult TCKs, Global Nomads, and cross-cultural adults in my Los Angeles-area practice, I find myself educating my clinical colleagues about TCKs and our unique experiences. I’m truly grateful to finally be able to connect with others who understand how I feel and to help my clients, who are working hard to process, understand, and integrate their own particular histories and experiences so they can live full and meaningful lives. Warmly, Mari L’Esperance, MA, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

http://www.thirdculturecounseling.com

My father was in the Air Force and we moved frequently. By the time I was 8 years old I had lived in 5 different states, in different regions of the U.S. My most difficult experience was attending 3 junior high schools – it was also what I count as one of my most important life lessons – I realized I was the same person no matter how other people treated me. The frequent moves did not effect me as badly as some of the other kids I knew growing up. I have tried to figure out why. I think one factor has to be that we were always surrounded by a familiar military culture. My parents were also excited about each move and that was infectious. However, I think the most important factor was my brother. He was younger than me and I felt responsible to help him meet new people everywhere we moved. Looking back, he was my rock.

Thank you so much for your posts. I am thrilled that, two year laters, this short piece continues to generate interest and response. Best of luck, Marie, with your practice. I know your work, both with your clients and your colleagues, will do much to raise awareness about TCKs and their struggles and needs. Roxy, you’ve brought up a couple of interesting points: the fact that the military culture was the one steady factor, fairly unchanging, as you moved from place to place — and the closeness of family that is often noted among TCKs. Thank you both for your comments.

I am now considered an ATCK and agree with what was said in your article. I have experienced all those feelings and now I teach chilfdren who experience the same losses as well as gains of being a TCK.

And the most important thing I would like to say is that the only true healing for the loss of identity found in TCKs.is finding our identity only in Jesus Christ. I can say that has been true for myself, my TCK friends, as well as my students who learn this truth at a very young age.

I hope and pray that those who are trying to help TCKs can not only experience this truth but use it as the beginning of true healing.

I want to thank you and others like you who are sharing about us TCKs and helping us be heard.

I am 52 years old. I was a Navy brat, then a sailor, then a Navy wife. I spent the first 40 years of my life moving from place to place; I lived everywhere fom Bermuda to Japan. If you ask me where I am from I make a joke. When I read your article I cried because that little girl with no way to express what she feels was me. Thank you for giving me an explanation of what I never knew how to express.

Thank you, Clarissa and Carol, for your responses to this blog. I am happy that this piece continues to reach readers, and that my words have helped others articulate what perhaps has remained deeply hidden for many years. Each of us finds/creates a unique identity, woven of many threads of influence and experience, and I am grateful for your feedback.

I know this was a few years ago, but this is a pretty great article. A lot of us cope by making a micro-home in adulthood. Where after much mistrust, we chose a mate and “build” them up to be a tck if they aren’t one like we are, but overall we carry our home with us. In a sense we make our “home” life to be a sort of micro-culture which encompasses many cultures, things we left behind, and over the course of years we build on that, adding bits and pieces to it. We don’t let many into our lives though, even as adults. Sometimes I think the most successful TCKs are the ones which have sociopathatic tenancies. Not in the serial sense but in the can-seriously-compartmentalize sense. Military brats also exhibit this same as us. Trust is hard for us because no one ever bothered to really get us, other than our own kind, but once we do find someone to trust, I dare say our loyalty is a fierce thing. Most of us do in fact have internal trauma which you often see in kids from war zones, things you Do Not Talk About, and things which makes you flinch just because a smell or sound triggers us. The only way to stay anything *like* happy is to have a daredevil attitude for every move, not unlike leaping off a cliff and trusting you won’t smash into the ground. Our wings however are made of our ability to adapt, to lie, to conform, to never ever look out of place or scared. Scared gets you eaten. All TCKs are both introverts and extroverts. Extrovert to survive, and introverts because at least books don’t leave you. Thanks for a great article. I now use it for residents who are confused by their TCK kid’s behavior.

Thank you, Zina, for pointing out the issue of trust, something that indeed plagues many TCKs. Because of frequent childhood mobility, long-term relationships outside the immediate family are often not something a TCK has much experience with. The twists and turns and challenges that are dealt with in long-term relationships — for instance, trust that the other person will remain loyal, despite differences — may be something the TCK does not learn how to really manage. And so the TCK learns to adapt and start over, and over, and over. And he learns that these important relationships are as temporary as his new “home.” As Pat Conroy famously wrote, “I can walk away from best friends and rarely think of them again. I can close a door and not look back.” * Yet TCKs do look back. And, in looking back, they confront the losses inherent in their unrooted childhoods. And this is the grief I tried to give voice to, so that others, in a position to help, can more clearly identify what that “confused behavior” might be about. * You may find Conroy’s essay in my first collection, Unrooted Childhoods: Memoirs of Growing Up Global.

That is beautiful! Thanks

I appreciate this article, but I disagree. I am a TCK myself and instead of being angry or anti-social, I have learned to adapt and also make friends easily. No matter where I go (I am in highschool), I make friends. The one difference I have from other people who can make friends easily is that I can also let go easily: saying good bye when it is time to leave is something I have had to get used to and though I miss them to some extent, I knew all along the time to leave would come and I am prepared. I am a very happy person and never come across as depressed or angry. It is true I don’t have a “home country” but I am happy that way. My home is where my family is.

I feel totally fragmented. How to go about finding a TCK therapist in NYC? Does anyone have any connections?

Thank you for your recent comments. As people are very different each from the other, so is their experience of being a TCK. This blog is meant to raise awareness of the issues of loss and grief among TCKs so that they are recognized for what they are and those who need a little help with transitions are able to find it. For those who do want a referral, I might suggest starting with the International Therapist Directory (http://internationaltherapistdirectory.com/) and/or making sure that the therapist has some familiarity with these issues.

On the verge of taking our 2 children (7 and 5yrs) to their passport country to live for the first time, would you have any recommendations to make the transition a successful one?

Thanks

I am a TCK and psychotherapist specializing in working with TCKs in theWashington, DC area, which is teeming with TCKs who don’t know they belong to the tribe of global nomads. Most of my clients come to therapy because they are having trouble in establishing intimate relationships or settling into a job. Simply identifying the losses, the attachment injuries, the necessary coping strategies for constantly being uprooted and having to start over again is very therapeutic for someone who has never considered the TCK lifestyle as a source of their sense of alienation and restlessness. Helping my clients learn the skills that are normally acquired through interacting with the same people over long periods (i.e. Years) of time is often all that is needed to get unstuck and realizing the life they want.

Jenni, thanks so much for writing — yes, I do have some suggestions, and can also refer you to some excellent books if you like. The fact that you are aware that transition is a process is already a positive thing for your two children. And your continued support and awareness will be critical to their successful relocation. One thing to keep in mind is that, though they are returning to the country of their birth, to them it is as though they are moving to a brand-new country. Some people say that the transition “home” is sometimes the most difficult one, because it is so filled with expectations on everyone’s part — expectations that they will understand “home” though they may never have experienced home culture. So what is quite familiar to your may be very foreign to them. They will be saying goodbye to all that is familiar and will need time to process the loss. Some children do well to bring with them some special object as a symbol/reminder of the place they are leaving. With Skype they may be able to stay in touch with friends. A small photo album might help as well. Give them time and keep an open ear and, if they show signs beyond what you think might be normal adjustment issues, and you feel professional help might be of use, make sure the counselor is aware of their mobility and the places they have lived before. All best with your new move, Nina Sichel

Carmen, thank you for writing in — I would love to meet you in person one day, and hope to get in touch soon. People often ask for recommendations for therapists familiar with TCK issues, both for children and adults, and I appreciate your contacting me. Nina Sichel

What a deep and inspiring piece! I am a TCK and I have definitely struggled with coming to terms with the constant moving, adapting and saying countless goodbyes… As much as it has been a truly amazing networking experience, I feel somewhat lost. Having a English mother and Chinese father, the numerous culture clashes have also challenged the level of emotion and connection with different cultural backgrounds. Having moved back and forth and lost my ability to speak Chinese fluently, its been difficult to learn it again. I feel it should just still be there! Now, finishing my degree in the UK.. like Carmen Vaughan states, trying to learn new skills in interacting with the same people is a lot harder as I have to think specifically about my interactions. Being very aware of the nature of other cultures, starting over mentally, is a challenge, but the interaction comes so naturally.

That heightened awareness of other cultures, Madi Chu, will hopefully enable your transitions to be easier. That is a great gift, and a way to build bridges rather than barriers — exactly what one hopes a TCK will do! Great good luck in your studies and your career, and thanks for sharing your perspective.

Hey Nina, Thank you very much for your inspiring article.

I am myself a TCK and have experienced the grief you talk about.

But i think it’s just one of the many issues the TCKs have to deal with (Identity crisis, relationship difficulties, restlessness, marginality, loneliness, …). But these issues are perfectly understandable and manageable once identified.

Actually the biggest issue is simply not knowing that, as a TCK, it is normal to encounter these problems. I stumbled upon the TCK term by coincidence a year ago and I was like: “WHY IN THE WORLD DIDN’T I KNOW ABOUT THIS???”. The simple fact of reading the comments here help me find peace and better understand myself. In the next decades, more and more TCKs will appear because always more people choose to live abroad. It’s our golden era.

We need to educate parents and teachers about the issues TCKs face so that they may help them. It’s a matter of mental and emotional health that will concern many…

So let’s spread the word fellow TCKs! Don’t get me wrong, i love being a TCK and I wouldn’t change my past for anything in the world. But it is true that sometimes it’s difficult. Here is a link to a TED-talk that I believe you guys will find interesting:

https://www.ted.com/talks/pico_iyer_where_is_home

Thank you, Maxime, for your note. Raising awareness about TCKs and their issues is what I have been addressing in these blogs and in the book collections I co-edited. I am happy that you mentioned Pico Iyer’s TED talk — he glories in being a TCK, in the freedom and inspiration he finds in not being rooted — and he is a wonderful writer and speaker! His essay, Living In the Transit Lounge, opens the collection of TCK memoirs, Unrooted Childhoods: Memoirs of Growing Up Global.

Dear Nina,

This really touched my heart because I see this grief in my child. We are Indians living in China, and I see my daughter struggling with relocations and craving belongingness on a daily basis. We adults often don’t realise that to them, that temporary belongingness at the previous location was of much more value than adult transitional relationships are. In fact, my book ‘Visa, Stickers and Other Matters of the Soul’ deals with this and other aspects of identity and raising third culture children. Reading this article has inspired me to be more sympathetic to her emotions. I would also appreciate any links to resolving grief in TCKs.

Thank you for this article. I have always considered myself burdened with the role of being a TCK. Yes, I have had lots of struggles that I haven’t attempted to express even as a 20 year old. However, I have found strength and power in myself through this struggle. Despite the identify and “where’s home?” crisis, I know am I stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

To Zoe — it is the strengths that you have developed as a TCK that will help you steer your course as an adult. It is the ability to look at your grief that will help you get past it. As Ruth Van Reken always says, it hurts so much because you loved so much — valuable lessons to keep close. Thank you for your comment.

Lom, thank you for commenting and referring your book. Your child is fortunate in that you recognize the struggle she is going through. Sometimes it just takes that recognition and acceptance — and a little time — to move forward. Sometimes it takes a little more. Lois Bushong has written a wonderful book for therapists and others who are working with TCKs and you may be able to find some guidance there. Also, there is an International Therapists website, and many of the therapists mentioned there have experience with TCKs. Seachange Mentoring is another place you can access on the web and there are numerous others. I invite you and others who read this column to visit the Facebook page I created called Writing Out of Limbo — I post weekly recommended reading there (novels, advice, travel books, all TCK-themed) as well as articles that deal with TCKs and expats. Best of luck,

Nina Sichel

Nina, Thank you for your article. Our son sent us the link. My job took us around the word from Asia, to the Middle East, Europe and US when our son was 4 and his sis was 2. We returned home when they left for college. His sister has married and lives in the US. He chose to come back to Malaysia about 9 years ago and is still struggling with adapting to his home country. We find it so helpless and sad. Whilst his life’s experience is so much richer than his peers, we grief with him as the issues of his identity crops up ever so often and don’t seem to go away.

I really appreciate this article.

One thing that I struggle with as an adult TCK (I think there’s another acronym for that, I can’t remember), is that a lot of people see the TCK life as a privilege. And that is totally true, but it’s very difficult for me to communicate this grief to non-TCKs.

“What are you complaining about? You got to live in X number of countries!” “You saw most of the world, and you weren’t even 5!” Personally, it’s hard for me to convey the various losses as real issues that I had to bear growing up, and I often feel forced to minimise them or discredit them, because of the various privileges and blessings that came with them. But that is doing the past me such a disfavour, having struggled so much. Thoughts?

To Asuka and CE: Your notes touch on similar issues, issues of identity and acceptance, grief and closure and the silencing of self. The best recommendation I can make is to keep the doors to communication open and, if necessary, seek professional help when this is not enough. Sometimes people who do not have the experience of frequent childhood mobility — or the changing of the world around them, due to everyone else coming and going — have trouble understanding it. This goes for therapists as well as friends, and much of what I am dedicated to is informing people about both the pros and the cons of the mobile life. Try to find people around you who have also experienced many transitions — even though they may not have had the same experiences, they may be able to relate, the way TCKs usually do, to many of the underlying issues surrounding mobility. One way in which to start the conversation is to read books together — please visit the Writing Out of Limbo Facebook page for recommendations about books that touch on TCKs issues, whether novels, self-help, parenting, social/psychological guidance, etc. Minimizing your pain, silencing your self, struggling alone with issues of identity does not resolve the problem, it only pushes it down deeper inside. Yes, some people will be envious, or will not understand, or will diminish the seriousness of your experience — but almost everyone can relate to the loss of a beloved friend, the pain that goes with saying goodbye, and the struggle to be understood. Sometimes you have to be the first one to open up. I hope these suggestions are helpful. Nina Sichel

As with life people are effected differently they have different ways of approaching a situation and have various ways of reflecting. I think the being TCK does have many benefits however if the potential downsides are not addressed they will outweigh the positive aspects. I am trying to get my children’s school, a school that caters to TCK to implement some type of program to address all the issues good and bad. As a parent and a former teacher, the years my children have been attending international schools I have observed very different behavior from the school I taught in the USA. I found there to be more bullying and more children feeling lonely and disconnected. I would be interested in knowing what programs have people implemented in their schools to address these issues with TCK.

Hi, Rachael — I will send you directly to Dr. Doug Ota, whose book about how international schools can best meet the needs of their very mobile population is called Safe Passage — he spent years observing TCKs and then creating a program in the international school in The Hague that he says has been very successful. I believe he is also available for consultation. You may purchase his book through Amazon.com or directly from his publisher, Summertime Publishing. Doug’s website is http://www.safepassage.nl Something that may be adapted though it was originally created for the university level is Bruce LaBrack’s program on intercultural training. He developed it for study-abroad and returning students, but it is also very applicable to TCKs. The website is http://www2.pacific.edu/sis/culture/ I hope these two sources are helpful. Best wishes, Nina Sichel

This is bull. I have lived all my life moving from county to country and I am perfectly happy. Sure I don’t have a lot of friends, and sure the friends that I do have change often, however this here, this, this is bull. I love my life. Well actually that’s not true. I hate my life and I am often depressed… however I sure wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s. My life (when compared with the average us citizen) is the best possible life one could ever live. And you know what? I’m more advanced than of my non-TCK peers. I’ve had a greater amount life of experiences. I have a more global vision. I have a broader worldview. Being a TCK is investing in your future. Being a TCK enables you to make friends quickly and cut ties quickly. Being a TCK gives you the tools and abilities needed to lead a enjoyable and fulfilling life. What do I mean by this? What do you want to do with your life? Would you like to stay in one place all your life and have the same 9-5 job with the same co-workers, with the same pay, with the same four walls, with the same confining environment or would you like to travel the world? Life is short. See and do as much as you can while you’re here on this earth. Help, know, and understand as many people as you can. Staying in one place sure isn’t going help you do that. Just tell me this. If you had to call some place home, would it be a speck of dust? Or would it be the whole earth. The whole world as your home. I know what I’m going to choose. Now you need to decide.

Certain subjects cannot be shared just by word of mouth, they have to be experienced. I believe that being a TCK is definitely one of them. I believe the experience itself can’t be divided into simple good or bad; but rather by how it interacts with the person who goes through it. Everyone gets affected, but some far more drastically than others, and I believe I fall in the latter. As childish and selfish as it is, I constantly find myself blaming my parents.

Parents have a duty to raise their child; give them a foothold where the child can begin to build their own culture, personality – their life. But why give a child a foothold that is utterly incompatible to their nationality? I was born in Japan but raised in England, and went back to Japan to be placed in an American School. English culture was what shaped me: my ideology, thought process, my personality. I’ve lived in other countries, ones that were established on multiple ethnicities, countries where “differences are a norm”. But my nationality is the complete opposite; an ethnocentric island where “not being Japanese enough” becomes the stated reason I failed the job application. If I could sell or trade my nationality, I’d be more than happy to.

The constant pain and unanswered/unanswerable questions ringing in my head always make me think about how I can end all this. I/We want to go home, but I/We have no home to return to.

Nina, this article is very helpful. As a missionary kid, I resonate with this article. I am writing a case study to enhance my studies as a child counselor, and this was very helpful. I am also using this article as a grounds for helping to understand my sister who suffers from anxiety and depression and is a missionary child as well. Can’t wait to grab a copy of your book someday soon. Thank you for shedding light on this issue. Best regards.

Thank you all for your recent reflections on this blog post. Caleb, you bring up some of the many riches and rewards of leading an international life, and for that I thank you. It is in that very spirit of adventure and experiential learning that parents uproot their children and take them from place to place, and many children adapt beautifully and many children are resilient in the face of frequent change (please see my blog on that topic). It would be wonderful if all children could sail through these transitions happily, but unfortunately, that is not the case. This blog was meant to raise awareness among teachers, caretakers, and mental health professionals of some of the issues that might impede happy transitions, and in particular, the confusion of grief and depression, a problem that is often overlooked. For all the joy in meeting new people and learning about new places, there is also the loss of the old, and being able to acknowledge that loss and manage it well affects the outcome of the next transition. After all, we only grieve those things we loved and lost, not the ones we were happy to leave behind. Shun, you may be especially interested in Ann Baker Cottrell’s essay in Writing Out of Limbo, Explaining Differences, in which she compares the experience of Japanese TCKs with that of other home cultures. Any group that demands high social conformity is especially difficult for children who grow up moving among cultures and piecing together identities that don’t entirely conform to any one particular group. This is why, in coming to their definition of a Third Culture Kid, Ruth Van Reken and David Pollock emphasized “the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background.” I do hope you’ve been able to find other TCKs in your area — Japanese or not — with whom you can feel more at home, and with whom you can discuss some of these all-too-common outsider feelings. Mattie, your note shows just how differently children in the same family can turn out, possibly because of the circumstances of their upbringing. Many of the missionary kids with whom I have spoken have told how their parents’ work was their work, too, and their childhood was an extension of their parents’ mission. Nancy Henderson-James has contributed to both of the TCK books I’ve co-edited — a memoir of her own experience in Angola in Unrooted Childhoods, and a study of the religious lives of adult missionary kids in Writing Out of Limbo. You may find both of these essays informative, as well as the essays of other missionary kids in both books. In addition, please check out Lois Bushong’s Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere: Insights into Counseling the Globally Mobile. I’m sure it will help you immensely in your future career as a child counselor.

We were first stationed abroad (Hungary) when I was eight. My sister and I were sent to live in a boarding school in Vienna, Austria for the first year. That being said, (with the exception of that 1st year when I learned to lock in my emotions and try to deal with what we called the “ex-Nazi” housemaster at the Schulerheim) I think it is a wonderful experience FOR ME. My Dad made every effort to travel with us (around Europe, Africa and the Mideast) and included us when he had visitors. He was cultural attaché so I learned to love the Arts. But I think you have to understand that different kids deal with these experiences differently. Our family never became close. But we all were strong. I became very independent and thick-skinned. My sister returned to the States and dropped out of HS and got married. But she was VERY strong willed. Several times, my parents “enrolled” us with various tutors or child psychologists. I like to tell my wife that the poem by Robert Service, THE MEN WHO DON’T FIT IN, explains it the best.

Thank You

Home is where you make it!

Finally, after 35 years of spending my entire life as a TCK and ATCK, I came to know of the term TCK. While the Earth’s languages fall short of describing the pain, agony and grief of dealing with the consequences of this social experiment, compounded in my case by untreated Aspergers, mild Autism, ADHD and other childhood traumas (that I kept for myself), the painkiller so far is my unique CV that lands me high-end international jobs easily, and -ironically- the fact that I’m not alone. But for how long? When will I find myself? When can I feel me? Where can I find a stable community to belong to, without me cycling forever between wanting and not wanting to belong? On the hand, one of my me’s think there is no problem to begin with, and the debate goes on… Thanks Nina for the article, and thanks everyone for commenting and sharing your experiences. Joe

I am grateful for all your comments, and for the discussion that this blog post has generated. There are many who still don’t know what it is to be a TCK, what sort of issues come with continuous childhood mobility (either your own, or that of everyone around you) and there is growing research about all of this. I have begun offering some reflective writing programs specific to the topic, and there are therapists training now to help TCKs and adult TCKs process their experience. Additionally, academics across various disciplines are beginning to look at TCK identity and expression — it is an exciting time to bring all this into greater awareness! Thank you again for your willingness to comment — let’s keep the conversation going!

Dear Nina, I would like sincerely apologize for my earlier comment/post. Quoted here :”This is bull. I have lived all my life moving from county to country and I am perfectly happy. Sure I don’t have a lot of friends, and sure the friends that I do have change often, however this here, this, this is bull. I love my life. Well actually that’s not true. I hate my life and I am often depressed… however I sure wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s. My life (when compared with the average us citizen) is the best possible life one could ever live. And you know what? I’m more advanced than of my non-TCK peers. I’ve had a greater amount life of experiences. I have a more global vision. I have a broader worldview. Being a TCK is investing in your future. Being a TCK enables you to make friends quickly and cut ties quickly. Being a TCK gives you the tools and abilities needed to lead a enjoyable and fulfilling life. What do I mean by this? What do you want to do with your life? Would you like to stay in one place all your life and have the same 9-5 job with the same co-workers, with the same pay, with the same four walls, with the same confining environment or would you like to travel the world? Life is short. See and do as much as you can while you’re here on this earth. Help, know, and understand as many people as you can. Staying in one place sure isn’t going help you do that. Just tell me this. If you had to call some place home, would it be a speck of dust? Or would it be the whole earth. The whole world as your home. I know what I’m going to choose. Now you need to decide.” It was absolutely uncalled for, rude, disrespectful and hurtful. I just once again stumbled upon this website today and remembered the post I had made approximately 6 months pervious. I was so tired… I had been up for hours scouring the web in frustration looking for some answer only to be left grasping straws. Ironically, I was going through a great amount of grief at the time, even though I did not entirely realize it. I believe the date was actually the 3 year anniversary of our grounding in the US. We have been in the US for 3 years and some months now, and have not left the country in the entirety of that time. We are no longer in perpetual transit due to the fact that we are caring for my 96 year old grandfather so that he can continue to live on his farm. This has been quite difficult for me. Not that the US has been particularly difficult to adjust to. Even while I do find americans somewhat distasteful I have adjusted fine… I have always been able to handle myself fairly well in that regard. What truly sent me for a loop was the absence of the one constant in my life… change. Give me change… give me travel… and I can adjust… I can survive… I will survive… anything. Amid all the chaos, no matter what happened, I always knew that we would move again, I always knew that once again we would be traveling. That is what always helped me keep my sanity. And then suddenly… I found that I was not rootless. I found that my very roots were rootlessness. And that was jerked out from under me. I really had no idea how to cope… I still don’t know how to cope. I fill my days with grandiose plans of how I can once again find myself traveling. Of finding my roots. But I am brought back to the present. I focus on what was and now more and more, what could be… so much so that I miss the present almost completely. I can’t sleep, I have a 10th of the drive and motivation I once had, I no longer feel as if I truly accomplish anything even though I know that I do, I go through bouts of depression where I cry myself to sleep at night. I have dreams of myself on the plane… dreams of all the countries I’ve been to. I can barely focus on my school. I find myself daydreaming and lethargic almost all the time… lost in my own head. Hoping for, dreaming for something that is not, and something is out of my control. It drives me mad. I pace the hallways of our small house. I stay up taking long walks and writing until 4 in the morning. It doesn’t get better. It’s more of a yearning… an obsession now, rather than true pain. All through day I plan where I could go once again when I’m traveling, how long I would stay, how I would have the money to do so. And yet all of it… all of it is out of my grasp. I’m currently 16… 15 at the time of the writing of my previous post. So all I can do is clear out my drawers, constantly rearranging my clothes to give myself the sensation of packing. I constantly narrow down my selection of clothes and various belongings… unpacking and repacking my backpack… taking pile after pile and telling my mother I don’t need them. Hoping that this will ready me for travel… that this will get the wheels going… and so I madly do theses meaningless menial tasks if only so that I can feel as if I’m doing something to achieve my goal… some visible and tangible progress. It’s pathetic really… I don’t understand it… I have always been able to adapt… able to change… but this… this is different. There is no change… there is no constant. I guess there is no such thing as someone who is perfectly adaptable… perfectly comfortable with any change… including the absence of it. I guess everyone needs a constant… something which they can rely upon. I rely upon Christ and His strength, and even though I know that He is sufficient it doesn’t always make the here and now less painful… less upsetting… only less bitter. But whether you believe in God or not humans do need constants in their lives… things beside the spiritual realm. I believe that God put those things in our lives. And when He takes them away it only helps us to rely more fully on Him. I don’t think of this as forever… I don’t think of this as permanent.. I think of it as temporary… I know that it is temporary. And yet truly the only reason that I would be able to travel again… that things would go back to the way they once were, is if my grandfather is either dead or cannot recognize us and even then we don’t know if he would be able to afford it because his long term health insurance plan that he has been faithfully paying for the past 50 years through thick and thin, clearly does not cover the costs of allowing him to live in a old folks home. And that is only the last resort as we truly want to respect his wishes to live in his own home on his own farm in such a way that he can feel independent. He is truly the only reason we are grounded here in the US. I sometimes think that if my grandfather weren’t part of the equation… weren’t part of the puzzle… everything would be simpler… everything would be so much easier… everything would go back to my normal. And it’s true… yet I hate myself for thinking it. How selfish of me! The very thought is horrific. I love my grandfather… I do… but my perception of time… my worldview… my entire looking glass… my entire world… has been shattered. I have never said that out loud… I think that maybe… just maybe, if I don’t say it, it won’t be true. My entire identity has always been Jesus, my family, travel and all of the wonderful life experiences that come with it. Yet no longer am “the traveler” or “the nomad” but now I am “that weird guy who used to travel but doesn’t anymore who looks like he should just be passing through yet he stays here for some odd reason… as if frozen in time… neither here nor their, meant to be in the process of moving and yet never moving forward… frozen as a stilled wanderer”. When I travel never I can truly be fully part of those I am I amongst.Yet, I still am able to every now and then savor the fleeting joy of the company of are journeyers such as I. At least they are able to relate… to understand. And for a few brief hours and if one is lucky a few months, there is a friendship that is created. One that requires no words, but enjoys them anyway… one that shares the precious moments sometimes in laughter but often in silence trying to stretch each moment out as long as possible. It isn’t not a friendship of necessity and not truly of commonality, but of kindred spirits. Worn and weary souls who travel a path less trodden, who despite their many differences, look through the same spectacle. And for these, for these they have a special warm place in their heart. For all those who are life philosophers, moment hunters such as they are. And yet now I am no long able to partake in this, even this. I am no longer of them… no longer of their order, those restless few… not truly. I am now but as one who was one of them. And even if it wasn’t so, one does not often meet these wandering rangers when not frequenting those lonely outposts of the globe. And so here I find myself stuck in limbo, yearning what others despise and hating what others treasure all the while looking on in unbelief. My world, my life, lying in shards on the ground… catching the sunlight and twinkling… a glimpse of what once was… and what still could be. So thank you Nina. Thank you for being so kind… so patient… so understanding… even when I gave you every right not to be. Thank you for trying to help me and give me advice even when all I did was attack you. The Lord is still working on sanctifying me and I don’t even pretend to have “arrived”. I guess I felt that the life that I love so dearly, that is just beyond my reach, was being attacked in some sort of way. I realize this was not your intent in the least bit. I guess I just wanted the incredible privileges, the joys, of that life to be duly noted. I want others to experience that… and to love it as well. But to each their own… we are not all the same… and we don’t have to be. I am slowly, slowly just now learning that. Again, thank you so much for your kindness and patience and your willingness to help try give people advice and guide people to resources on here. Caleb

I grew up in a US Foreign Service family – Taiwan, Korea, DC, London, into each of which we got deeply immersed.

Painful at times but couldn’t trade it, it’s who we all are now. I certainly identify with many of the stories found here, and I am intrigued by the ones beyond the particular geography of my own experience.

All of us here share an exotica that almost runs bland on this page – perhaps such experience isn’t as rare as we all might have thought. “Breakfast in America” was a nice reference, down the way.

“Take the Long Way Home”, indeed. Short of creating repetition, I would like to share some of my own observations about this uncommon way of growing up.

Forgive me if I focus on the American perspective. I don’t think that we were part of a purposeful experiment as such, but those of us whose lives were taken up in the expansion of international trade and foreign service during the post-WWII period, especially American, did not enjoy the benefits of the sympathy and awareness amongst the psychiatric community that now exists today.

Much has since been discovered, and efforts are now being made to lessen the negative outcomes of child uprootment. Attachment disorders, negative social behaviors that are enabled by transience, and so on. It’s interesting to see that the Yongsan US Eighth Army Garrison in Seoul now has multi-million dollar programs in place for helping military dependents cope, possibly in response to dark statistics from past decades that you’ll never find anywhere online.

Perhaps this might stem from DoD guilt about all the Agent Orange they stored up the hill from our schoolyards:

http://m.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20110607000741#jyk

Protection from industrial malfeasance and egregious moral hazard is taken for granted over here in the West, and we naïvely take that trust with us to foreign countries.

There are some things out there that can really put the “hardship” into hardship posts. Grief, a word that is bandied about in the comments below, is a very effective way to describe the void that suddenly appears under children when they are uprooted.

As we get older, our surroundings are so far removed from our memories that it’s hard to believe that these childhood experiences ever even happened at all, but for in our heads.

There’s a great flashback scene in the film, Officer and a Gentleman. It takes place in a fish market in Manilla, when he was a kid. Staring into the bathroom mirror, he drifts from memory to reality, and wonders who he really is. Many of us here know something about this. It’s a powerful scene. Humans did not evolve through the ability to jump around entire continents on airliners at someone else’s whim. Acknowledging this must be taken on board. We are social primates that thrive upon extended family, not condors that make nests on lonely mountain outcrops. Therefore, a youthful understanding must be in place in order for things to be done right. If you’re not careful, as a young child in these circumstances you can end up feeling like the world is putting on some kind of magic show for you, a show in which the scenery changes utterly and unpredictably, just for you, just like Alice in Wonderland.

This in turn can lead a child to rely upon these changes of scene to resolve for them any social or inter-personal conflicts that they might experience, instead of their learning how to resolve them for themselves as they go through life, i.e. “if I just sit tight and wait, the violent bully who is making my life hell will simply go away when his Air Force general father is posted somewhere else, or when my family is.”

Meanwhile, the bully never has to deal with the consequences of their abusive behavior for exactly the same reason, and their behavior invariably escalates as they enter into adult life. Who knows what the true amount of abuse, sexual and otherwise, between children and towards children on bases and in international communities is, with such transient carousels of strangers passing for a community?

I’m not talking about the transience of people on the Tube, or NJ Transit, or the transience of the parking-lot capitalism outside of a Dead Show, but of extreme transience within residential communities. It’s an important difference.

Our relationship to attachment – our attachment to things, attachments to people, attachments to places, can be affected in a lot of different ways, depending upon the person. Many thrive, nevertheless, with the right support. However, many turn inward. As is evidenced by some entries here, many experience toxic circumstances that take a long time to just walk off.

And they wonder why they can’t maintain relationships, jobs, and what have you. Such an upbringing can also allow for a fair amount of self-absorption to develop.

It’s easy to see how such children might not always be able to consistently find their peer group, even later in adult life. Naturally enough, a strong sense of objectivity develops upon “returning” Stateside.

After all, you’ve literally seen how the other half of the world lives, and the ignorance of that world on the part of well-rooted Americans can be frustrating to see, where public education and especially the information revolution has been available to all for really some time now. For kids in these inter-continental circumstances, when the only reliable constant in your life is your direct family, the sanctity of your family becomes all that much more important to you.

I don’t wan’t to say, “more” than other families, but when your parents and/or siblings are all you’ve got, it’s your everything.

This is why children of such upbringings suffer so much from divorce, where divorce happens, and why these kids self-medicate so much when they do. Just to touch on an example of Stateside dislocation: in Taiwan and Korea, ideas surrounding race and racism were practically moot in the international communities and military bases in and on which I lived over 10 years.

It was like the Epcot Centre, “It’s a Small World After All” and all that la-la land.

Neighborhoods were not drawn along the same inequitable lines as they are back in America. What a mixed playground. It was wonderful in that sense. I had good friends of just about every persuasion. My family’s “return” to the States was to a posting in DC in 1978. I had no idea of the real situation in the USA. I hadn’t been briefed. Kids from southeast DC were bussed in to my northwest DC public middle school, and I got the biggest shock of my life, up to then.

I need not go into details. Amy Carter had her contingent of Secret Service agents, but not everyone did.

Those inner-city kids had cultural shocks themselves to deal with, and I dread to think of what laid in store for most of them during the Crack epidemic of the 1980’s in DC just a few years later, when they were going through their teens, lost in that terrible void.

Gil Scot Heron’s “Get Out of the Ghetto Blues”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j33VsAn0VtU Ned B, way down this comment page, made a very wise point about how people from international backgrounds may possibly provide the only hope for this stricken world. Many international, well-connected polyglot kids might understandably use their experiences and skills to great advantage out there.

The rewards can be plentiful for those who can adapt to growing up this way.

Some cross-sections of kids from Western society are more traditionally attuned to this mode of life than others, and are able to deal with it in a much more productive way than others.

Some, in doing so, end up working for institutions which prey upon the countries in the rest of the world that have not caught up yet.

Someone in a comment below mentioned something about a possible benign sociopathology that can develop in so-called Third Culture Kids.

Let’s try and keep it benign, shall we? To those of you who are present at this forum who are young, I say, good on you. To become aware of the pitfalls and rewards of this way of life at a young age is to have the advantage of being able to deal with it properly, and to go on to make a real difference in the world.

i’m 70. i was born into the military, moved 6 times in my school years, including university while my parents continued to be re-posted before my father finally retired. and another five times, ie five different countries in my adulthood. i’m highly educated, capable, resilient, adaptable, conversant in three languages… smart but i’m no genius. just wide eyed and a visionary. and of no cultural nor racial prejudices. moving around was good for me because i learned that no one country nor culture in the centre of the universe.

As a TCK child it created my ability to practise as a therapist with a deep understanding of grief and I believe it’s helped make me more empathic to feelings of loss and everything that’s already been said in the comments above. It’s a shame more don’t appreciate how much it can affect a child losing everything over and over. Therapy helped me appreciate my own history and how loss played a huge part in my life. But it’s also made me a therapist that really does “get” client losses.

To all who have recently posted, and to those who have responded in the past: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! Your responses, heartfelt, passionate, anguished, exultant, in agreement or disagreement, reach more than just my eyes — they reach other TCKs who read this blog. In writing to me, you have begun a conversation which sometimes leads to a thread here and more often leads to deeper communication off the page. The awareness of those areas of overlap with other TCKs — frequent mobility (either of self or of the people/community around you), loss, grief, resilience, cultural knowledge, language acquisition, expanded worldview — despite the many differences of circumstance, is exactly why I have written this and other pieces about TCK experience. My hope is that you will also read the other TCK blogs here at the Children’s Mental Health Network. In them, I explore issues of concern to TCKs and those who work with them and love them. My hope, too, is that the journey to awareness is a healing one. Often, one can become “stuck” in a cycle of loss and grieving and lose track of the fact that one’s personal journey continues… sometimes, a little help along the way is good, and sometimes it is empowering. There are more therapists and counselors now who are aware of issues experienced by the frequently-mobile, attachment and grief among them, and who are able to help sort it all out. There are professionals who are helping TCKs understand the many benefits of the lifestyle, and how to use them to advance careers. There are educators helping students adjust to new schools, and say goodbye to friends as they relocate. There is more attention than ever given to the spouses and children of globally-mobile employees. I’m looking forward to hearing from more of you, and sharing more of my own thoughts. Again, thank you for your responses — keep them coming! Nina Sichel

I’m 55 and last week I first heard the term TCK after seeing a counsellor following years of unhappiness and depression despite a very successful career. When I read about it I fell apart. It was like someone exploded fireworks in my head. I couldn’t deal with the sensory overload of understanding. I dont know where I will go next but I am glad to have at last found an explanation of why I have never felt I belonged anywhere or with anyone

Finding this article Kind of gave me hope.

I thought that I was alone with my inner conflicts and Problems. It all started like this: I was Born in Germany. My father is a philosopher from Chicago, who’s has a bit of an over the top personality, sometimes good and sometimes bad. While studying in Freiburg he met a german woman. After three months of Dating her, my mom gave birth to a Little Girl: me. So when I was a half year old we moved to the States where my dad opened up a skateboard shop. After four years of living in the United States, my father decided to go on an “Adventure”: And this Adventure took place in China, in a City called Dalian. There we lived two years, but those two years seemed like a whole life time to me. In those two years A LOT happened. Considering my natural hair Color was nearly White , each time we went out of the house, this was a big challenge for me: I was like Jesus, Walking on water. I would have to face many chinese People through out the day who would literally not leave me alone. Everbody wanted to touch me and take Pictures of me. I was like an animal in the Zoo. After a time, I had enough and started to spit at the People or kick them. But after a year I then realized that I was the princess and could do anything I want, and I could speak fluently chinese.

My mom left one year before me and my dad, and returned to Germany. So in the time when I was in China alone with my dad, he lost his finger, and got a blood poisoning and probably nearly died, because of the lack of eduacted doctors there. In this time I think I might have developped som