Margaret Cho Opens Up About Childhood Sexual Abuse, Bullying: People Said "You Deserve to Be Raped"

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Comedienne Margaret Cho, who grew up in San Francisco, opened up in a candid new interview about her dark childhood and teenage years, which included sexual abuse, rape, and bullying.

Between the ages of 5 and 12, Cho was sexually molested by a close family friend. "I had a very long-term relationship with this abuser, which is a horrible thing to say," she told Billboard on Wednesday, Sept. 2. "I didn’t even understand it was abuse, because I was too young to know. I endured it so many times, especially because I was alone a lot."

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At age 14, Cho was raped by another family acquaintance. "I was raped continuously through my teenage years, and I didn’t know how to stop it. It was also an era where young girls were being sexualized," she reflected. "For me, I think I had been sexually abused so much in my life that it was hard for me to let go of anger, forgive or understand what happened."

In fact, some of her peers deepened the wounds. "When I was raped in high school, it was the first time I had sex that was penetrative, so it was different and weird," said Cho, who attended San Francisco's School of the Arts. "I told someone that I was raped, and the kids at school found out and said, ‘You are so ugly and fat that the only way anybody would have sex with you is if they were crazy and raped you. So don’t act like you are hot and somebody wanted to f--k you. It’s because you are disgusting, and you deserve to be raped.'"

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During that harrowing time period, Cho found solace in her English teacher, who encouraged her to journal. He was later killed. "The same kids who told me I got raped because I was disgusting also told me that he was murdered because he was a f--got," Cho recalled. "That’s why I ended up leaving school. I didn’t want to be around people that were so cruel."

Meanwhile, she says, her family turned a blind eye to the abuse. "They don’t really want to talk about it, because that would make it real somehow. I think Asian culture often is in denial about such things. Like, if they don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist. So it makes me unwelcome in some ways," she said. "But all I have is ownership of my own suffering. I can take that and explain it in a way that helps resolve it. But I often think, ‘How do I have sanity? How do I bring justice?’ I kind of save myself through it."

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One part of Cho's healing process is her new single, aptly titled, "I Want to Kill My Rapist." In the song, she regurgitates: "I want to kill my rapist, I want to kill my rapist." Other lyrics include her present day thoughts about her abuser: "I thought I forgave you, but I’d mistake you. I’ll shake you and I’ll bake you. You better run now while I’m having fun now. Here comes the sun now, and you’ll be done now. I see clearly and sincerely, you’ll pay dearly…"

Cho told Billboard that she was "still trying to figure out how to be a musician," but she's found it cathartic to sing about her experiences. "But really, we want to kill the rapists," she told the mag. "I’m a victim and now a survivor of sexual abuse and rape, and I think it’s really hard to talk about it. I think having a song to perform live will allow others to talk about it. It’s a huge issue, and this was cathartic for me.”

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With her past experiences, Cho has developed an extreme amount of disdain for men like Bill Cosby and Woody Allen, both of whom have been accused of sexual assault. "I think Bill Cosby and Woody Allen and all these men are so disgusting. It’s gross," she shared. "This song I made is a rejection of all that. The rage women have against abusers is real. We have the power to come forward and say ‘This happened to me.'"

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This article originally appeared on Usmagazine.com: Margaret Cho Opens Up About Childhood Sexual Abuse, Bullying: People Said "You Deserve to Be Raped"