WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his prefrontal cortex and hippocampus, we can now make Robert Mueller available to both Congress and the American people,” said Barr, who explained that in the four weeks since the special counsel’s investigation ended, the Justice Department had gone to great lengths to capture, confine, and forcibly lobotomize Mueller, ensuring any material deemed unsuitable for the public would remain secret. “In order to keep the details of grand jury testimony and ongoing investigations confidential, we carefully blacked out his memory of the past two years before releasing him. Unfortunately, it would appear this safety precaution has also resulted in Mr. Mueller forgetting how to speak, walk, and feed himself.” At press time, sources confirmed the drooling, glassy-eyed special counsel was set to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, whose members were trying to get him to respond to his name so they could swear him in.

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