No, I’m not making this up.

Although everything we know about Twilight involves a creepy abstinence message (and sex equals death, if you’re all feminist and stuff), someone has tied a new sex toy into the teen vamp marketing maching. No, it’s not official. Yes, it’s that bad.

The dildo, named non-infringingly “The Vamp,” uses a frickload of Twilight key phrases without actually saying “this here is just like Edward Cullen’s cold, dead phallus.” From the product page:

For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night. The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow. Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle… Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.

I really love how the last sentence just crams in all the remaining stuff- don’t let this eclipse new moon pass into the Jacob sparklepire Forks High School! Charlie Renesmee your Bella Swan today!

Seriously, though, this product’s target demographic has to be either too young to buy it, or too old to be buying it without being ostracized from mainstream society. The best part? The suggestion to keep it in the fridge so it’s like boning a real vampire. That and the “sparkling in the sunlight” bit- if you’re using your dildo in the sunlight, you’re doing it wrong.

[Image: Videogum]