For those of you who rage-quit articles, see no purpose for this article, or only read snippets of articles and then pretend to understand the message, I suggest that you skip to the last few paragraphs, which I have conveniently marked off by the phrase “I hate fat people”. Enjoy!

Before I begin, you should know that my best friend is a gay, African-American feminist who is concentrating in Anthropology, which basically makes him poor. Keep that fact in the back of your mind, so that whenever you feel the urge to call me a bigot, you are reminded that I too am a tolerant human being with valid opinions. Don’t forget: extremists, by their very nature, are not hypocrites; in no way can there exist contradictions between their beliefs and life choices. Just look at Newt Gingrinch: he loves family values and hates progress, and thus would never cheat on his wife with a progressively younger – oh wait.

Recently, there has been heated discourse on various controversial topics, which could offend many individuals and social groups. Knowing this, I should construct a well-substantiated, coherent foundation for my arguments. But in the spirit of controversy, let’s not do any of that.

Let’s just start with the facts. Civil rights ended like forty years ago, and race relations have never been better. Overlooking the odd Trayvon Martin or Jordan Davis court case, I think we can all appreciate how far racial integration has progressed in America. Yet in trying to create another “empowerment” movement, blacks are essentially segregating themselves from an otherwise-loving majority. I get it; blacks are disproportionately poor and incarcerated. And okay, maybe there is a strong causal link between race and inequality. But really, there is no need for affirmative action or the NAACP. Since racism is just a social construct, if we ignore it long enough, it will just go away, right?

Speaking of going away, when are the gays going to stop flaunting their identity? It is so annoying. I don’t flaunt being a hardy, heterosexual male, and I don’t need to. Mass media and society do it for me. But that’s irrelevant. You know what is relevant? The snobbery that occurs in the BLT community (I think there is a “Q” in there, but I was hungry).

The entire “queer” student movement is extremely cliquish. I haven’t bothered to enter our campus’s student office or even read the signs (which definitely DO NOT say that all genders and sexualities are welcome), but trust me when I say that I would feel excluded if I went. It would be like if a pedophile were to go to an expectant mothers’ convention: awkward for everyone. They should really be more accommodating. It would suck if I weren’t able to express my individuality.

I can just group women and poor people together, because really, what’s the difference? I think both need to study what our country was founded upon. Exploitation? Kind of. A nearly impenetrable glass ceiling that prevented women from serving substantial political roles for more than a century? Getting warmer. A politico-economic system, which ensured that wealth would be concentrated in the hands of the elite? Closer. Equal opportunity for all social groups? No. Oh wait, I mean yes… yes to that one.

If there is anything to be learned from Mankiw, it’s that those at the top deserve to be there. Some people are just born to be business leaders, especially if their fathers are (JP Morgan, James Murdoch, Blake Nordstrom, and David Lauren, among others). It’s a generational thing, kind of like poverty. Scratch that, poverty is the result of a dearth of personal ambition.

What ever happened to the American Dream? Look at the rags-to-riches stories replete throughout American history. Of the hundreds of millions of individuals who have lived in this country, I can make a list of at least twenty-five who have transcended their meager economic beginnings. And that’s pretty impressive, since we only ever seem to be tested on Andrew Carnegie. Bottom line, anyone can make it to the top. And once everyone is at the top, then that will become the bottom, and we will start the cycle all over again. But really, what more is life than a cycle?

I hate fat people.

Just making sure that you’re still paying attention. Anyway, I suppose I should tell you my reason for writing this inflammatory masterpiece. Well, part of me is a conflicted soul who believes that Ronald Reagan and the Chinese Exclusion Act were never given their due credit in history books. Most of me actually.

But an infinitesimal portion of my consciousness cannot help but think that my identity must be validated by attention. So thank you. I feed off of you. Or perhaps I should clarify – you feed me. Every time that you repost my article on Facebook, or share it with your friends, you give me meaning.

Say what you want about me in the comments section; it won’t bother me, since I have great selective reading skills. Besides, there will always be at least one contrarian who will defend me no matter what I say.

I’ve found my niche. I can’t die because you won’t let me. Instead of posting about your weekend, you’ll give a guy like me a place on your wall and a seat at your dinner table. No, you aren’t the problem, technically. Technically, I’m the bigot. But you are my lifeline.

I am a product of commercialism and the conflict-driven contrivances within society. I have many names (but you can just call me Bill O’Reilly). I thrive whether I believe what I say or not.

Now, if people made an effort to act upon, and not simply believe in social progress, that would be troublesome. If groups collectively chose to drown the trolls under the bridge with a deluge of social action and indifference to people like me, then I would die. This broken system of rewarding those who damage us the most would die. This broken system of intra-societal conflict and aggression would die. But who’s going to do that, huh? You?