On a scale of 1 to The-Slightly-Deranged-Man-Who-Complimented-My-Dog-On-“Curbing Himself”-When-He-Wasn’t-Even-Going-To-The-Bathroom-Let-Alone-Doing-Anything-Intelligent, how creepy is it to have a camera tripod set up in your bedroom at all times? And is it worse if it’s perpetually pointed out the window into your neighbor’s apartment or directly towards your bed?

What I’m trying to say is we’ve entered the Molly Bought a Tripod era. It’s a natural progression from The Golden Age of Not Good at Storing Things.

So I the opposite of splurged and spent $30 buying something that makes taking photos of food infinitely easier. …in case you didn’t know what a tripod was or whatever. Turns out it’s also pretty adequate for recording conversations you have with your dog without involving a third party. (The complimentary fella from before was busy harassing scantily clad young ladies last I checked. I need to start wearing shorter short-shorts.)

But back to the future II food. This is a food blog, not a whatever the hell I was rambling about moments ago (short-shorts! it was short-shorts!). And it’s time I revives its roots as a pro-protein, low-cal, low-carb, seitan worshipping epicenter of yum!

I speak of course of Vegan Buffalo Chik’n & Mung Bean Pasta. Of course. 51 motherfucking grams of vegan protein in one 8.5oz serving. That’s so insanely implausible that I went ahead and wrote some books so I could go back and check the books. It was a roundabout process at best.

But it checks out. 51 grams of protein. 29 grams of carbs, 12 grams of fiber, 17 grams of net-carbs for all you mathletes out there. And only 345 calories. Is this the 8.5 oz bowl of pasta and fake meat of your dreams you’ve been holding out for?

I mean yeah. It is. Also you should stop holding out so much. No one likes prudes. Jury’s still out on prunes. VEGAN BUFFALO CHIK’N & MUNG BEAN PASTA

Serves 4, 8-9oz each Seitan Chicken recipe adapted from Thriving Vegetarian,

Buffalo Chicken recipe adapted from Skinny Taste

For the chikn… 1 cup (144g) vital wheat gluten

2 tablespoons cornmeal

1 tablespoon nutritional yeast

¾ teaspoon poultry seasoning

½ teaspoon onion powder

½ teaspoon garlic powder

¼ teaspoon cayenne

¼ teaspoon chili powder

¼ teaspoon salt

A few shakes of pepper

1 tablespoon soy sauce + ½ cup water

⅓ cup soy sauce + 8 cups water For the sauce…

2 tablespoons frank’s red hot divided

2 tablespoons white wine vinegar

¼ – ½ teaspoon Sriracha

½ teaspoon dried oregano

¼ teaspoon onion powder

¼ teaspoon garlic powder

¼ teaspoon cayenne Pasta… 1 8 oz bag mung bean fettuccine

½ cup Frank’s red hot

1 oz vegan blue cheese alternative (or the real stuff if you’re into that)

Celery sticks I like when my noodles are made from anything other than noodles because I like to keep myself guessing and my intestines completely out of the loop… Fill a large pot with the 1/3 cup soy sauce and 8 cups water. Bring to a simmer. Combine your dry chikn ingredients in a large bowl. Add the 1 tablespoon soy sauce + 1/2 cup of water. It’ll take form pretty quickly. Add some extra water if you need it to soak up more of the dry ingredients. Knead it for a short while and then shape it into some sort of loaf or something. Take a sharp knife and cut the loaf into bite sized chikn-y shaped pieces. Toss the pieces in the simmering pot. Let it simmer for 30 minutes. Turn off the heat and let them cool in the cooking liquid until handleable. Combine your sauce ingredients. Toss them with your chikn and refrigerate for at least half an hour.

Heat your oven to 400. Line a jelly roll pan with parchment paper. Lay your chikn pieces on the pan. Coat them with any left over marinade. Bake for 12 minutes, flip your pieces, and continue baking for 12-13 more minutes. Remove and let them cool. If you want a cold pasta salad because it’s a thousand degrees outside, let those cool a bit further.

While your chikn bakes, prepare your mung bean fettuccine as per bag instructions. Run under cold water for a cold pasta salad.

Toss the drained pasta with the chikn and 1/2 cup of frank’s red hot. Serve with crumbled vegan blue cheese alternative and some celery sticks if you’re into PIZZAZZ.

I’m really into pizzazz these days.

NUTRITION

