calories Burned During Sex

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 1/4 calories If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size 22 calories Oversize 15 calories Tremendous 8 calories Teensy-weensy 163 calories

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories Woman on top, man on bottom

(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock. ) 25 calories From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories While in traction

(very useful during ski season) 124 calories

Locations

On a bar stool 20 calories Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories In a phone booth, standing 14 calories In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories On an airliner, window seat 30 calories On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing 7 calories Sliding around 9 calories Serious Skidding 12 calories Full cartwheel 20 calories Whiplash 27 calories Knee burn 6 calories Chafed elbows 5 calories Chafed nose 11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories Wheezing 5 calories Squeals 4 calories Ecstatic moaning 11 calories Low growling 8 calories Squishing 10 calories Shouting 16 calories Screaming 18 calories Urgent begging 22 calories Any short speech giving partner directions

("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) 25 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go 5.5 calories Controlling yourself 79 calories Digging nails into your partner's back 11 calories Trembling 15 calories Shaking 20 calories Shuddering 25 calories Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories

Orgasm

Real 27 calories Faked 160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change 1/2 calorie Face turned purple 15 calories Orchestra swelled 6 calories Magical explosions 10 calories Blazing Sheets 25 calories Earth moved 30 calories Vesuvius erupted 47 calories You began moaning in Latin 60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm 1/4 calorie A few moments before orgasm 500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women: 2 14 calories 5 30 calories 8 47 calories (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.) For Men: 2 21 calories 3 39 calories 4 57 calories ( For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral. 15 calories Vaginal 21 calories Penile 21 calories Scrotile 15 calories Rectal 25 calories Oral

(can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion 2 calories During intercourse

(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) 5 calories During foreplay 3 calories Immature ejaculation

(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) 4 calories

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

For Women Frustration 8 calories Anger 15 calories Violent mood swing 20 calories Surpressing rage 25 calories Not surpressing anger

(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) 65 calories For Men: Cursing 10 calories Apologising 3 calories Snivelling 5 calories Pleading for mercy 8 calories Begging for another chance

(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning 6 calories Palpitations 10 calories Shortness of breath 5 calories Perspiring 8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition 1 calorie

Recovering

Un-entwining 3 calories Regaining motor control of pevis

(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories Standing up 9 calories Getting some juice 11 calories

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse

(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) 18 calories During intercourse

(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) 32 calories During foreplay

(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) 12 calories Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready 5 calories If the man is not 156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream 2 calories Wet Dream

Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;

Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories Wet Trance

(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories

Group Sex

Introducing yourself 3 calories Overcoming shyness 8 calories Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories Jealousy

(Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories Mixed doubles 26 calories Being nice to everyone 100 calories Anger

(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10 calories Finding your clothes 5 calories

Masturbation

For pleasure only 6 calories For exercise, too 10 calories For relief from tension 12 calories To pass the time 7 calories To avoid overeating 16 calories To get in touch with inner self 10 calories To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories To avoid insanity 24 calories To avoid spending money on a date

(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) 9 calories Using your hand(s) 11 calories Using your finger(s) 9 calories Using tweezers 2 calories Using an inflatable doll 24 calories Using Any fruit or vegetable

(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat 78 calories In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat 3 calories

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories Partner hates me for what I didn't do 8 calories Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories Climaxing too soon 5 calories Climaxing too late 6 calories Not climaxing 20 calories Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object 47 calories Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm 88 calories

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories Penis envy 72 calories Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories

Getting Caught

By partner's spouse 60 calories By your spouse 60.5 calories Trying to explain 165 calories Stuttering 28 calories Throwing up

(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) 40 calories

Almost Getting Caught