I'm gonna soak up the last rays of Mental Health Awareness Month with a letter about everyone's favorite topic: postpartum depression, a.k.a. P.P.D.! Woohoo!



A couple of months before my child was born I went to my psychiatrist and said, "I'm pretty sure I'm a great candidate for postpartum depression, so what should I be on the lookout for after the baby is born?" He told me to watch for these signs:

feeling sad, hopeless, or overwhelmed

feeling overly anxious or worrying

feeling moody, restless, or irritable

having trouble concentrating or remember things

being unable to sleep even when baby is sleeping

strange eating patterns

crying often and for unknown reasons

Pictured: Me, any and all days of the week.

Pictured: My abnormal placenta talking to my vital organs.



So my doctors decided it was best to induce me. Inductions are to a baby what an eviction notice is to a tenant. Problem is, sometimes inductions don't work and the baby, like a tenant who won't budge, needs to be forcibly removed from the premises.



So my doctors decided it was best to induce me. Inductions are to a baby what an eviction notice is to a tenant. Problem is, sometimes inductions don't work and the baby, like a tenant who won't budge, needs to be forcibly removed from the premises.

GET OUT MI SWAMP YA WEE BAYBAY!







The nurse made my husband leave the room while the anesthesiologist administered my epidural. Most people are afraid of the epidural because they think the doctor is gonna stick this huge needle into their spinal cord. But don't worry! They don't do that. The epidural is actually a long tube that they FUCKING SNAKE DOWN YOUR SPINE and is 10x more unpleasant than a big needle! I'll never forget the delightful crunch it made as it was threaded through my spinal column.



After a few hours of contractions I decided to get an epidural because, hey, it's available, and the thought of pushing a watermelon size human out of my vagina through a very small escape hatch didn't seem super chill.The nurse made my husband leave the room while the anesthesiologist administered my epidural. Most people are afraid of the epidural because they think the doctor is gonna stick this huge needle into their spinal cord. But don't worry! They don't do that. The epidural is actually a long tube that they FUCKING SNAKE DOWN YOUR SPINE and is 10x more unpleasant than a big needle! I'll never forget the delightful crunch it made as it was threaded through my spinal column.

I was going to attach a picture of someone getting an epidural

but thought you could use this eye bleach instead.







Next it was time to break my waters because my stubborn cervix wouldn't dilate. BTW the way they check your cervical dilation is by asking the ham fisted nurse from WW2 era Germany to fist you as hard as she possible can. I have never screamed like I screamed when this nurse used me as a human sock puppet. I blacked out for a moment.

On the left: my vagina during the Battle of Stalingrad.

On the right: my vagina as a shellshocked soldier.



Then they came to break my water. Allow me to show you the GIANT KNITTING NEEDLE they shove up your vagina to break your sac of baby juice:

Cool, cool, yeah, definitely shove that up my vagina with force please!







Now remember, I have an epidural. I can't feel any contractions. I also can't move my legs. Oh, and they inserted a catheter into my pee hole which also didn't feel so good. I shouldn't be able to feel them breaking my waters. Except I do, and it fucking HURTS. I scream for them to stop. The doctor says I shouldn't feel anything. I tell him that I'm not practicing my opera lessons, I am screaming for real. The anesthesiologist comes in and checks on me. He says everything is technically working because I can't feel the contractions. He tells me my body just doesn't work well. Ok, great to hear! They stick the crochet needle back up into my body and my water breaks. I am now sitting in a puddle of baby liquid and I start to get very sick.

Luckily my husband was able to capture this beautiful birth moment on film.

He literally took two photos the entire day and this is one of them.







I quickly signed a form that said I could die and blah blah blah and I was wheeled into surgery. I was given more drugs and the curtain that separates you from the butchered pig you're about to become went up. They block your sensation from about the neck down and I remember trying to wiggle my toes and feeling like my body was just gone. It was the worst sensation. Well, it was the worst sensation until they tried to cut a live child out of my guts.



After a few more hours of nothing but contractions, my baby's vitals started to dip. It was time to cut it out. And I'd like to note that I made many Joey Gladstone references that day, way before Ali Wong's beautiful stand-up special which made the same joke.I quickly signed a form that said I could die and blah blah blah and I was wheeled into surgery. I was given more drugs and the curtain that separates you from the butchered pig you're about to become went up. They block your sensation from about the neck down and I remember trying to wiggle my toes and feeling like my body was just gone. It was the worst sensation. Well, it was the worst sensation until they tried to cut a live child out of my guts.

I think I was trying to wiggle my toe to ignore the fact that my body was being sawed in half.





I couldn't see what was happening but my mom claims that one of the doctors climbed on top of my bump and was doing elbow drops onto my stomach to pop the baby out.

My delivery could have used a referee tbh.







That's the bad thing about c-sections. At least at my hospital you don't get immediate skin-to-skin with your newborn. They have to take him and make sure everything is ok. They finally brought him over to me and put him on my chest and I'll never forget the way he smelled. Like me and my blood. It was the most primal smell.



Then they wheeled him away to the nursery. I told my mom and husband to go with the baby, I would be fine. So there I am, cut open, being sewn back together, just had a baby, and I am all alone on this side of the sheet. I may as well have been floating in outer space it all felt so surreal.



I had imagined pushing this baby out, holding him to my chest, crying with my husband, smelling my baby's head, putting him to my breast, and floating to heaven in that little cloud from Super Mario.



The feeling of a person being tugged out of your body is something out of a horror movie. You don't feel pain you just feel immense pressure. I thought they had looped my intestines around a carousel and the carousel was twirling around pulling my intestines out with each rotation. Once the pressure stopped I heard my baby scream and all I wanted to do was hold him close to me.That's the bad thing about c-sections. At least at my hospital you don't get immediate skin-to-skin with your newborn. They have to take him and make sure everything is ok. They finally brought him over to me and put him on my chest and I'll never forget the way he smelled. Like me and my blood. It was the most primal smell.Then they wheeled him away to the nursery. I told my mom and husband to go with the baby, I would be fine. So there I am, cut open, being sewn back together, just had a baby, and I am all alone on this side of the sheet. I may as well have been floating in outer space it all felt so surreal.I had imagined pushing this baby out, holding him to my chest, crying with my husband, smelling my baby's head, putting him to my breast, and floating to heaven in that little cloud from Super Mario.

Doesn't Lakitu feature prominently in most people's birth plans?







I think that was the start of my PPD. I was all alone. I had just given birth. I had hormones swirling wildly about in my body, and I was thinking about all the ways I would eventually ruin this kids life. It wasn't the best beginning to motherhood.



Days later when they let me just go home with a human baby to keep alive, the PPD really set in. I had horrific visions of things that I would never want to do but they wouldn't leave my head. I called the doctor and he told me to come in immediately. I didn't. I let the pain and fear fester inside my head for months.



It was a fun time.



I felt like the worst mother in the world. Instead of being in a lovey-dovey haze of happy baby times I had visions of accidentally stabbing my baby in his soft spot with a chopstick. Instead of snuggling my baby I had thoughts of going out for a carton of milk and never returning home.



Instead I was stitched up, wheeled into a corner of a recovery room and placed next to a woman who had just lost her baby at 36 weeks into her pregnancy. She sobbed while I stared straight ahead at a wall for hours by myself. Finally my husband came to visit me and showed me photos of my son, Rex. He was perfect. My husband felt terribly for leaving me alone but I wanted him to go back to Rex. Apparently most women nap during this recovery period. I literally stared at a clock.I think that was the start of my PPD. I was all alone. I had just given birth. I had hormones swirling wildly about in my body, and I was thinking about all the ways I would eventually ruin this kids life. It wasn't the best beginning to motherhood.Days later when they let me just go home with a human baby to keep alive, the PPD really set in. I had horrific visions of things that I would never want to do but they wouldn't leave my head. I called the doctor and he told me to come in immediately. I didn't. I let the pain and fear fester inside my head for months.It was a fun time.I felt like the worst mother in the world. Instead of being in a lovey-dovey haze of happy baby times I had visions of accidentally stabbing my baby in his soft spot with a chopstick. Instead of snuggling my baby I had thoughts of going out for a carton of milk and never returning home.

See ya!







I just straight up didn't love my baby. And I thought I would never love my baby. I am crying as I write this because the pain of realizing you don't love your baby is not something I like to revisit. I felt like I had failed as a woman. I held my baby and felt nothing except resentment. I would never sleep again. I would never look the same again. My body was not my own, it grew and will now nourish this little alien parasite that the hospital made me take home. I cried at the thought of my friends having fun on the weekends. While my friends were enjoying bottomless mimosas I was wearing free mesh panties from the hospital and cleaning up chunks of afterbirth off my thighs. I was recovering from major surgery while tending to someone who needed my attention every minute of the day. My life was over.

You did not adequately prepare me for motherhood, Baby Alive!



It wasn't until I told my mom, "I don't like this, I can't do it, I don't love him" that I realized, wait, what the hell, everything I do is for this child now. If that isn't love then what the hell is it? That's the thing about parenting. It looks like a lot of different things. Maybe you'll get lucky and form an instant over-the-moon bond with your little one. Maybe you'll warm up in a week. Maybe you'll spend 6 months secretly wanting to run away and then later regret not getting help because you wanted to breast feed and didn't want to take meds.



Love isn't a one-size-fits-all shirt from Brandy Melville. Love can mean cleaning someone's shit from the walls at 2 a.m. Love can mean making sure someone is safe, and cozy, and has little mittens on their hands so they don't scratch their face with their tiny razor talons. It wasn't until I told my mom, "I don't like this, I can't do it, I don't love him" that I realized, wait, what the hell, everything I do is for this child now. If that isn't love then what the hell is it? That's the thing about parenting. It looks like a lot of different things. Maybe you'll get lucky and form an instant over-the-moon bond with your little one. Maybe you'll warm up in a week. Maybe you'll spend 6 months secretly wanting to run away and then later regret not getting help because you wanted to breast feed and didn't want to take meds.Love isn't a one-size-fits-all shirt from Brandy Melville. Love can mean cleaning someone's shit from the walls at 2 a.m. Love can mean making sure someone is safe, and cozy, and has little mittens on their hands so they don't scratch their face with their tiny razor talons.

Seriously babies have Wolverine claws that regenerate at an astonishing pace.







I can now say that I love my son more than I ever thought possible. Having a baby is like having your heart walk around outside your body. It's terrifying. It's beautiful. It's more fun that I ever dreamt. It's also the worst sometimes. And that's ok. I didn't love my baby at first, but I love him now and forever.

What's not to love about that face?!



We need to stop making women feel like they're bad mothers for not immediately loving their child. It takes a lot of courage to say you don't love your baby. I didn't have the courage to confront myself and I suffered for way too long. And I'm not one to shy away from mental health help. I thought if I ignored my feelings they would go away. They didn't.



If you know someone who is pregnant, share this with her. Well, maybe don't show her the scary labor part, but just send her that last paragraph. If you know a mother who just had a baby, share this with her. Let her know it's ok to feel TOTALLY FUCKING OVERWHELMED BECAUSE HOLY SHIT HAVING AN INFANT IS WILD AF!



Even though, as a mom, your entire life revolves around your kid, it's important to practice self care and check in with yourself. Are YOU ok? Does someone need to kiss your boo-boos? Are you showering a least a couple times a week? You can't be a good mom if you're not taking care of yourself. Ask for help. You're your toughest critic. No one else is going to judge you.



We need to stop making women feel like they're bad mothers for not immediately loving their child. It takes a lot of courage to say you don't love your baby. I didn't have the courage to confront myself and I suffered for way too long. And I'm not one to shy away from mental health help. I thought if I ignored my feelings they would go away. They didn't.If you know someone who is pregnant, share this with her. Well, maybe don't show her the scary labor part, but just send her that last paragraph. If you know a mother who just had a baby, share this with her. Let her know it's ok to feel TOTALLY FUCKING OVERWHELMED BECAUSE HOLY SHIT HAVING AN INFANT IS WILD AF!Even though, as a mom, your entire life revolves around your kid, it's important to practice self care and check in with yourself. Are YOU ok? Does someone need to kiss your boo-boos? Are you showering a least a couple times a week? You can't be a good mom if you're not taking care of yourself. Ask for help. You're your toughest critic. No one else is going to judge you.

Ok I take that back, Bianca Del Rio will always be judging you.







And as always, I'm always here if you want to talk. I know how hard it is to be a woman and a mom and an internationally renowned sex symbol so if you need to comissimerate, I'm available.



Thanks for being here for me and allowing me to use this as my own form of therapy. It's much cheaper than the psychologist I pay out-of-network, so thank you.



I love you all very much, especially all you moms. And in case no one told you: I shouldn't have waited to get help. And neither should anyone else. If you want to learn more about PPD, or find ways to help someone with PPD: check this out And as always, I'm always here if you want to talk. I know how hard it is to be a woman and a mom and an internationally renowned sex symbol so if you need to comissimerate, I'm available.Thanks for being here for me and allowing me to use this as my own form of therapy. It's much cheaper than the psychologist I pay out-of-network, so thank you.I love you all very much, especially all you moms. And in case no one told you:

Kris and I are so proud of you!



Love always,

your friend Sloane



P.S. Follow me on Twitter



P.P.S. Quick shoutout to my sister's business,



P.P.P.S. Let me know what YOU want to read about! I love getting suggestions! Love always,your friend SloaneP.S. Follow me on Twitter @sloanesteel , and on Instagram @iamsloanesteel and @ohmyerotica P.P.S. Quick shoutout to my sister's business, Dream Machine , please follow them on Instagram @inthedreammachine and buy tickets to go see her awesome Instagram pop-up playground if you're in NYC!P.P.P.S. Let me know what YOU want to read about! I love getting suggestions!

I asked him if it was possible to have PPD before the baby was born as he just described my normal, everyday mental state.He told me that 80% of women experience these symptoms and they're called the "baby blues"...feelings of sadness and inadequacy that go away on their own after a couple weeks. PPD, he said, would be a persistent state of sadness that wouldn't go away. And it would be accompanied by dark thoughts. How dark? Oh...very dark.But before we get into the scary stuff let me tell you about my traumatic birth experience. I was induced two weeks before my due date because I was developing pre-eclampsia which is a pregnancy disorder where your blood pressure gets so high your organs start to shut down. That's the worst case scenario.