THE BBC is under fire for putting famous, expensive people on television, almost like a broadcaster.

Jeremy Clarkson, who earns the BBC millions for a show in which he makes a small man crash cars, is controversially given a share of those millions almost as if he were working for a broadcaster and not a Kafka-esque socialist nightmare.

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt, said: When will the BBC learn that paying charismatic stars large sums of money for programmes that the public like to watch is the role of the private sector?

A state-sponsored broadcaster should by rights show nothing but propaganda for the incumbent government and short films about increasing grain yields, like they used to in the Ukraine.

Im imagining something like the Open University programmes from the 1970s but with cruder animation and even bigger ties. The presenters would all be hairy men like Bill Oddie and Chris Searle, although we could maybe bring Maggie Philbin back to add a touch of glamour.

“Surely that would be preferable to Graham Norton, a man-fucking leprechaun who would be happier drinking himself to death beneath a rainbow back in the Emerald Isle.

My good friends at BSkyB, who I have never met and only deal with through completely deniable special advisers, have found their original shows, which they advertise on every bus stop in the UK, are quite overshadowed by the BBC’s output.

A proposed amendment to the BBC charter would institute a success cap, modelled on the banking industry, where any programme which received more than a million viewers would be sold to private hands.

Newspaper editor Tom Logan said: “Surely the BBC’s position is untenable. Especially after its Olympics coverage, which has yet to happen but makes numerous references to the Queen going to the toilet.”