Bill Clinton discovered PHILANTHROPY as a post-presidential preoccupation on the same dictionary page as PHILANDERING. It seemed a fitting segue from a career corrupting the political; now he could corrupt the charitable.

Sixteen years hence Bill’s wife is running for President, albeit with an ambling shambling gait. In that pursuit, she is enjoined to engage in what the consultants call transparency. No, not the transparency Kaitlin nee Bruce Jenner practices with his children or Miley Cyrus practices with her blouses. This is the political variety, where a candidate pretends to reveal what he is desperate to conceal.

The favored instance of this maneuver involves the oxymoronically dubbed “tax return.” Here the Presidential aspirant offers a precis of his economic activity during the previous calendar year. People of means with nefarious ends justify the figures. Anticipating scrutiny on a particular year, they can tailor transactions accordingly. Thus the 2015 return is molded by frenzied closings at the close of 2014, to foreclose disclosure. Yes, closing makes the man! As it says on the 3 dollar bill depicting Bill and Hillary Clinton: E PLURIBUS ANNUM.

Hence transparency: show the apposite, hide the opposite.

In this spirit, the Man from Hope and the Woman from de Niles have released their 2015 financials, hoping to embarrass Donald Trump for keeping his under wraps. The Clintons managed to shrink their takings in that year to a mere ten million, of which they have tithed a cool mil to putatively eleemosynary causes. Unless they come back later with a second amendment (as they were forced to do in 1993), they have performed the rite to bare alms.

In the past, some upper case Democrats have fared poorly, showing excess consumption and double chintz. The late Senator Edward Kennedy opposed Jimmy Carter in the 1980 primary, and taxpayers learned that generosity with their hard-earned billions mirrored frugality with his soft-earned millions. Joe Biden in the 1984 primary showed a similar strain of expansiveness with the exchequer and tightness with his own wad. The champ of cheap was Al Gore, chomping on caviar while doling out chump change. In 1991 he earned millions writing Earth in the Balance, but there was cement in his bank balance. Only a few hundred dollars managing to budge into his charity budget. He was a Skinflint with largesse.

Bill and Hillary escaped such calumnies this year by tenderly tendering a million leaves of green to the needy, the suffering, the virtuous, the sublime and the sacrosanct. Who said our age suffers a deficit of character? We are blessed to have such nobility of spirit in our midst!

Or not.

One need not peer too intently into the fine print to spot the scam. Turns out they are at their old stunts again. Sure they took a tax deduction for giving a thousand thousands for philanthropic purposes. But they had the everlovin’ chutzpah to give 960 of those thousands to their prime number one cause; namely, themselves.

Yep, 96% to their very own foundation! Good Ol’ Willie, not Good Will; the Double Cross, not the Red Cross; Dynasty, not Amnesty; Gold Pieces, not Greenpeace. And Hillary’s fave, Daughter of the anti-American Revolution.

Think of it. We know that when Bill and Hillary speak… er, lecture about… well, whatever it is they lecture about… they often ask for their… er, fees to be paid directly to the Clinton Foundation. Chelsea cedes all her fees] to the foundation while Hillary “forfeits” only those paid by universities. To avoid the unseemly image of putting people’s tuition money into her pocket, she sticks it into her foundation.

And who gets to decide how foundation money is spent? Why, it is the Clintons themselves. They take money from fringe benefactors and turn it into fringe benefits. They fly around on private planes and stay in upscale suites while looking into the needs of the needy. For example, the pool boys at Hiltons and Hyatts often come from impoverished neighborhoods and are happy to be interviewed poolside by rich old ladies taking a personal interest.

Furthermore, they can write themselves salaries from the foundation, or as in the cases of Hillary’s confidants like Cheryl and Huma, they can hire lackeys and gophers who trail them around and cater to every whim.

The money they do not make goes into the foundation, and the money they do not spend comes out of the foundation, and the charity they do give goes into the foundation, never to be heard from again. As to the poor, surely they are thrilled that moneys raised on their behalf are going to support their tireless advocate with a cushy lifestyle and stylish cushions.

The speeches (content Classified and well protected) are a scam to give the Clintons money. The donations from others are a scam to give the Clintons money. The donations from the Clintons to seeming others are a scam to give the Clintons money. The ultimate scam is the race for the presidency, which will give the Clintons more money still.

Yes, Abraham Lincoln would be proud. Bill and Hillary may not have a Gettysburg Address but they do have a Cayman Islands Address. As long as these two are active, government of(fending) the people, by(passing) the people, for(aging) the people shall never perish from this land.