Why Your Friends Might Not Really be Your Friends

There’s probably been moments in your life where you were taken advantage of because although you only wanted an honest friendship with someone, they had other agendas.

Perhaps they used you to access items you possessed such as money, a car, or video games. Maybe they only wanted to be apart of the lifestyle you lived or the people you knew such as the way you see groupies behave towards celebrities or anyone famous.

I normally find men befriending me if they constantly see me around a group of beautiful women. Do I send them away or call them out on their actions? No. And it’s probably for the same reason you never pushed anyway away who gravitated towards your direction because of a item they wanted in your life.

It’s because of the simple act of generosity.

Despite what logic tells us, we’re programmed to behave kindly towards anyone who treat us generously. Whether we like them or not doesn’t really matter if we find them doing something that makes us happy or fill us with positive emotions.

You can hate a comedian, but if you laugh at his jokes, you find yourself temporarily liking the fellow.

Even if you hate someone, you’ll still be more inclined to be around them if they acted generous towards you. However, being kind to someone doesn’t mean you’ll form an instant friendship with that individual.

And that’s the problem a lot of people face today. Confusing friendship with kindness.

Think of it like opening a door for someone. Sure, you both will share a few seconds of commodity and happiness because of the small deed that’s performed for those few seconds, but you never consider each other friends after that occasion. It was simply the door acting as the channel that temporarily brought you two together.

And such as that small concept, we usually make the mistake of assuming someone is our “friend” because of our natural behaviors of being kind towards them in the environment you’re both in. The most common places we usually assume we have “friends” at is at work, school, and a meetup group.

But let’s begin with a simple question.

Have you ever “befriended” someone who you considered more of a friend than the other way around?

Even if you’d never like to admit it, do you feel you like you put more into the “friendship” than the other person. Maybe you initiate most of the texts. Or maybe you’re always the one asking them out.

People who usually have a low number of friends have a dramatically higher chance of referring to someone they speak to in class or at work as a friend, while the other person who already have a large amount of friends only consider them as an acquaintance.

There’s even cases where people confuse their “friendship” for just a casual relationship because of the lack of people they communicate with in their life.

Think of a guy named Stan. The main relationships Stan have in his life are with his parents, his siblings, and maybe an old friend who he occasionally keep in contact with on Facebook.

Because of his low options of finding an equal partner to share his feelings with or spend quality time with, he’s going to naturally open his range of possible “friendships” so he won’t consider himself worthless when he compare himself to other people in society.

Even if the other person doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings as Stan, he’ll still consider someone his “friend” to avoid the idea of having no one in his life.

And like Stan, we find ourselves declaring “friendships” after a two minute conversation with someone we like because of the possible fear of being considered worthless in society. We like to live with the idea of making a “friend” with that one guy who we occasionally spoke to in class about anime.

But our definition of the word friend has dramatically reduced it’s original meaning and value. Just twenty years ago, a friend was someone who you spent most of your time with and shared a wide range of interest with. But today, we simply refer to someone who shared a similar trait to us as our friend.

And part of that has to do with our own pride. We’re rather tell someone we have “friends” versus “I have no one I could communicate with in my life.” We’d rather sit to ourselves believing we have someone to turn to versus the idea of being alone.

Perhaps you’ve been the person who believed someone else was your friend without the other person acknowledging it. Or perhaps you’ve been the person who others consider as a friend, but you only saw as a colleague. Maybe you’ve even been both.

I’ve seen both sides of the coin and it sucks both ways.

Where on one side, you cling to someone with the belief they care about you just the same. But deep inside you know they’re only spending time with you out of pity or they don’t want to send you away out of rudeness. You learn to laugh off the idea of being despised by someone who only lets you stick around out of kindness. You learn to make yourself the butt of everyone’s joke to give them a reason to let you stay in the group.

Where on the other side, you see someone constantly reaching out to you because they need someone to talk to. But you’re already exhausted from dealing with your actual friends and don’t want to spend your time with them. And yet, you see the other person constantly clinging to you, subconsciously begging to start a friendship. You don’t mind the other person spending time with you on your own accords, but you know deep down you wouldn’t do the same for them.

Most people believe that their feelings of friendship is shared, but new studies show that we may be poor at identifying when our friendship is reciprocated. Everyone wants friends even if they’re anti-social because we all need someone to communicate and share our thoughts with.

And for people who have a low number of people they speak to in their life, they might behave in ways that makes them believe they have an established friendship with someone.

An example would be referring to another individual as a friend only after a few conversations with them. Where the other person simply sees you as a friendly face to speak to, you might consider them as someone you can list as one of your top friends.

From the moment we believe we have a “friend,” this make us look forward to the small time we spend with them at either work, school, or even the store.

However, because the other member usually have a greater choice in who they could befriend, they only act in a generous way towards you without sharing the same feelings. And as much as it sucks to initiate a friendship without the other member acknowledging it, this happens to most people.

It’s depressing to think that our judgement could be poor whenever we determine who our friends are. But there are ways to tell if you have a friendship with someone if you find yourself asking this question.

Here are 3 major signs that could let you know if you have a true friendship with someone.

#1 Have you Seen them cry or get really emotional?

It’s easy to speak to someone on a daily basis if they’re filled with positive emotions. But if you’ve seen someone cry and helped them through a difficult period, you’re showing a set of characteristics you don’t usually share with the average person.

This is especially for men. They retreat from the idea of revealing their negative emotions because of the fear of being ridiculed. Although men are often seen as the ones who should easily tuck in their emotions, they still need to vent and release their emotions upon someone they trust.

People tend to restrain themselves from reaching out to others because it shows a sign of weakness and neediness. And as much as we’d like to cry on someone’s shoulders, it’s not easy sharing those emotions with just anyone. But if you find yourself and the other person reaching out to each other in a time of need, it’s easier to consider them as a true friend.

#2 Spending Time With Them on Your Off Time

There’s always the special occasion where you invited someone to go out with you for either a drink or party, but they came along as a sign of friendliness. However, if you both share a desire to spend time together after work or school on an average occasion, then that’s another sign of friendship.

One person shouldn’t be the one who initiate all the text messages, events, or meetups. Or else you’re only dragging someone else along who has nothing better to do than spend it with you.

Don’t label yourself as someone else’s amusement and ensure you get treated as an equal partner when determining what to do after work, school, or any occasion you two normally spend your time at.

#3 Is it EASY to speak your honest thoughts with one another

Most people wear a mask of kindness they reveal to the rest of the world. They show fake emotions, personalities, and behaviors to avoid awkward moments and situations.

An anti-social person can pretend to be social to avoid being “rude” or “boring”. A depressed person can put a smile on their face even if they just want to cry in front of someone. A person who enjoys anime and comic books can repress those desires if they’re surrounded by sport fans.

But if you find yourself easily behaving as your true weird self around another individual without them looking at your any differently and they could do the same for you, that’s the mark of a beautiful friendship. Part of a true friendship is sharing your honest thoughts with each other and being open. Despite how strange or bizarre they are.

Final Thoughts

Establishing a friendship can be one of the most difficult things in the world. Even more difficult than finding love. Because where love can be established from that rush of adrenaline both members share, friendships are like seeds that grow overtime.

It’s sharing each other interests and giving yourself the chance to open up to someone. Although we like the idea of friendship, and give it away to another who shows the slightest interest in us, it’s a dangerous habit to play with.

We toy with our own emotions and assume everything is okay even if we’re getting abused or taken advantaged of.

For more similar posts, check out:

How to Make Friends As An Introvert

The Easiest Way to Make Friends As an Adult

The Adult Guide to Overcome Loneliness and Make Friends