Dear Vice-President-elect Pence,

Congratulations on scoring tickets for "Hamilton"! Not an easy task. Hopefully you enjoyed the title performance by Javier Muñoz, a gay, H.I.V.-positive Puerto Rican.

Here are some suggestions for other Broadway shows to check out—or avoid, for your own safety. As you know, the theatre is a “safe place,” except if you’re a virulent homophobe or texting in the presence of Patti LuPone.

So get on that TKTS line and remember: if you're molested by a Times Square Elmo, you have Rudy Giuliani to thank.

"Aladdin"

A stage version of the Disney classic about an Arab street criminal who infiltrates the government under a false identity and employs black magic to bring down the wise Royal Vizir. Skip.

"The Book of Mormon"

An inspirational drama about two white Christians spreading God's word to deepest, darkest Africa. The showstopper is about young men using religion to repress their homosexual thoughts. No wonder audiences are smiling!

"The Phantom of the Opera"

A psychopathic troll terrorizes the cosmopolitan élite. Donald Trump called it "great”!

"Wicked"

A well-intentioned and intelligent woman is smeared with false accusations until the public is convinced that she's a malevolent witch. A+

"Falsettos"

A musical about gay Jewish New Yorkers who have lesbian neighbors and sing songs like "Four Jews in a Room Bitching." At the end, one of them gets AIDS and dies. AVOID.

"Chicago"

An eye-opening portrait of crime and corruption in Barack Obama's home city. The hero is the brilliant defense attorney Billy Flynn, who bamboozles the public with sensationalist lies and sings, "How can they hear the truth above the roar?" Bonus: jailed women.

"Holiday Inn"

A throwback to when America was truly great, 1942. Men were men, women were women, and barns were red. Includes the greatest song ever written by a Jew, "White Christmas."

"Fiddler on the Roof"

A musical about members of a despised minority who are forced to leave their homes after being targeted by violent hate groups under a repressive czar. A heart-warmer!

"The Color Purple"

A wistful portrait of being a poor black woman in the Jim Crow South, a.k.a. the good old days.

"The Front Page"

An exposé of the corrupt mainstream media as it distorts the truth and undermines law and order. Needless to say, Nathan Lane is a hoot!

"Waitress"

This portrait of working-class women in America's heartland starts off O.K., when the title character chooses to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term. But she winds up committing adultery and taking control of her own life choices. Recommendation: leave at intermission.

"Kinky Boots"

A black drag queen helps the white working class bring back manufacturing jobs by producing bedazzled red footwear. This musical must be stopped.

"Cats"

The Donald Trump of musicals: it's tacky, it's nonsensical, and it's from the eighties. The cats live in the streets without a social safety net. And, since they're competing for a chance at reincarnation, all the characters are potentially unborn. Go!