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The Rules:

There's a lot of hostility going around in Mario Kart games: Everyone's always throwing fruits and dead turtle parts at each other, like a riot in a public zoo. A public zoo with bombs. "Fuck That Guy" Mode attempts to make the game more pleasant for most of the players by focusing all the aggression on a single target. You're only allowed to attack one fellow player in your group, so make sure to choose your opponent very carefully.

In my case, there was a guy in my online room called ProfLargeDick who hit me with a red shell once, so I skipped the careful deliberation and went straight for him.

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The Test Drive:

My first round against Professor Large-Dick had some difficulties, since all I got was mushrooms, and that's like the one item you can't use to hit other people. I did my best with the tools at my disposal, but ultimately Large-Dick emerged victorious.



That massive cock.

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I had all but given up on the validity of the "Fuck That Guy" Mode when, during the last stretch of our final race, I got the coveted fireballs. I actually let myself fall back in the race just so I could let him pass me and do this:



Right in the mushroom.

It worked better than I thought -- my last fireball happened to hit Large-Dick as he was jumping over the water, causing him to fall down and have to suffer the indignity of being fished out by a turtle piloting a cloud. Professor Large-Dick got what he deserved for being called that, and came in ninth. I came in 10th for being a moron who slowed down to fight with an Internet stranger, but still, I take solace in knowing that at least I probably have a larger pe- shit.

Maxwell Yezpitelok has a free comic you can read and a Twitter you can follow.