Did you recently get a 3am text that should have been delivered around Valentines Day? Cool, that's because a "third party vendor issue" impacted the top four US networks and fired off a bunch of nine month-old messages. But don't worry, don't question, T-Mobile and Sprint have both reportedly "fixed" the issue.

That Stargate streaming service you've spent the last year paying for? It's shutting down and moving to YouTube where anyone can watch it for free. So you'd better be grateful when you contact Stargate Command and ask for your refund, they didn't have to give you anything.

[Pinches bridge of nose hard enough that blood geysers forth]

It's not a bonus if you pay more for it.

Other post-merger initiatives include reduced competition, higher prices and the potential for worse service. Huzzah!

Because this is way cheaper than paying taxes. Most any taxes really. Well, let's compromise and just say more taxes than the zero dollars it paid in federal income last year.