SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his people carefully,” the overreacting jackass told his neighbors yesterday, at least 10 years before extreme temperatures and water shortages force him to retreat to the woods with a close-knit group of survivors and forage for whatever resources may remain. “I’m sorry, but me and my people no longer have time for someone who doesn’t agree with us on this. People need to start paying attention and educate themselves because what’s going on right now is a disaster in the making. Join now, or be on the wrong side of history.” At press time, the fuckwit returned home to further jump the gun by looking for like-minded individuals on a social media platform that would not cease to exist until the food riots of 2021.

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