Somehow, it all went wrong.

Somehow, it all went wrong.

For those of you who looked at the Colorado wildfires and said, "I am fairly certain the godbotherers will declare that this is happening because we allow women to wear pants nowadays," congratulations. You win the pool. Personally, I had "judgmental space lobsters" written down as my guess, but this works too.

More specifically, Generations Radio has decided that the fires are because of (1) Abortion, (2) The Gays, and (3) womenfolk and how they dress themselves nowadays. Observe:



[Pastor Dave Buehner]: Why Colorado Springs? Understand that Colorado itself is a state that has been begging for God’s judgment. How did we do that? Well, we were the first state to make abortion legal; you could murder your baby as long as it’s in your womb. […] [Pastor Kevin Swanson]: When you have a state where the House leadership is performing a homosexual act on the front page of the Denver Post two months ago? Does God read the Denver Post? Do you think He picks up a copy of the Denver Post? He gets it. God gets the Denver Post. […] [Plastered Kevin Swanson]: [Quoting from an old Forbes magazine] Women in the 1980s adopted a male style of dress—ties, tailored skirt suits, shoulder pads—in order to gain a foothold in the male dominated world of business. And Carol Moseley Braun, the first African American woman elected to the U.S. Senate, wore a pantsuit on the Senate floor in 1993, ending the Senate’s ban on women wearing slacks there. My question was: Do you resist feminist trends? Do you argue with it? Do you find ways to oppose it? Or do you just succumb to it and just kowtow to feminism? Dave, I’m afraid this stuff is all over the place in our nice little evangelical, reformed, conservative, fundamentalist churches.

Pantsuits, pantsuits everywhere.

If you really want to understand why God is a-smitin' Colorado with wildfires, though, you will be happy to know that in the end it all comes down to women and their breasts. Oh, it always does. Here, therefore, is quite possibly the best extended breast-related monologue in conservative nutcase history, care of Pastor Kevin and a long, boob-filled flight from Australia. We call this sketch Breasts on a Plane:



Coming back from Australia, I’m stuck in fourteen hours of these visual presentations, sitcoms and stuff, on seventeen screens in front of me and I’ve never seen so many breasts in all of my life. The immodesty going on in our society is far worse than it was back when Cheers, Family Ties and The Cosby Show was playing. I mean every form of aberrant sexuality and women’s breasts are shown in front of me almost nonstop for fourteen hours. It’s just such an oppressive, horrible, horrible world and so many of our young girls in our Christian churches are running down to Wal-Mart and buying the same clothes. These are the sorts of things that I’m bringing out in front of God’s people, I’m saying: how are we going to repent of the sexual sin that is paraded in front of us in the wider culture? Why do we have to submit to theses sexual sins again and again? I brought up androgyny and how many young boys are running out and doing the metrosexual thing with the skinny pants and the little fairy shoes. They’re working on the gender blender for themselves and they don’t want to look like a man and God is just so upset, He hates it when man are not manly in their approach. 1 Corinthians 6 speaks about homosexuality and feminine behavior and feminine dress for men. God does not want men to be androgynous and feminine like in their approach; He gave them facial hair for a reason.

The most remarkable part of any of this is that so many people send people like this money. You want a miracle? That's a miracle.

Also: He's never seen that many breasts before in his life. Yeah, I'm just gonna leave that one there.

