by

The Ass Press

Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT

Provo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions.

“Most of the American people are of the Christian faith. It only makes sense as a Presidential candidate to be part of the majority. I will be whatever the people want me to be.”

Paul Horner from the Mormon council of Elders said he was disappointed in Romney’s decision today. “Do you know how much money we’re going to lose now without him paying his weekly 10% tithing? We’re probably going to have to shut down at least a dozen churches, maybe even a whole city. I just hope he still doesn’t expect to become a god of his own universe when he dies.”

Romney said he’s most excited about what the Christians refer to as ‘confession’. “If I become President and I do anything wrong, all I have to do is go to confession for 10 minutes, and then it’s like it never happened. I should have become a Christian years ago.”

Dean Huls who is an avid Romney supporter said he is confused with his decision today. “I don’t know why he’s doing this so close to the election. Most Christians already think Obama is a Muslim trying to eradicate the Christian religion, plus he’s black. Romney could be a pedophile into satanic rituals and paganism… he’s still getting the Christian vote.”

Romney told reporters he’s giving a tax break to all carpenters and people with the name Jesus. “In addition to the tax breaks for people named Jesus, I’m also providing them with free healthcare since most people named Jesus don’t pay for it anyway.”

Romney said he got the idea to become Christian when his wife returned home pregnant after a three month cruise to the Bahamas. “Ann told me that since I couldn’t have impregnated her the only answer was immaculate conception. I can’t explain how happy we are to be a part in the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Romney continued, “Plus the Mormon religion is kind of odd with their beliefs in getting your own universe when you die and the woman becoming eternally pregnant. A god that created Adam and Eve who communicated with a talking snake and a human being that can walk on water just makes much more sense to me.”

Romney finished the press conference by informing reporters what his first duty as a Christian President will be if he becomes elected. “I will be working with Congress to pass laws against anyone possessing or wearing the Christian cross. The laws will be especially tough on churches who continue to display a cross anywhere on their building. A cross is the last thing Jesus would want to see when he returns.”