Listen up, nerds, the only reason I’m here is because I’ve conquered all other mediums. Comics? My stamping grounds, son. Vidjagames? So good I wasn’t even allowed to be sold for a while.

So, where’s a mercenary supposed to go to get his rock star rocks off now?

Well, I tried movies once, my boy Ryan Reynolds kept the Deadpool dream alive right up to the point where they pulled a Human Centipede on his mouth. Yes, I am comparing X-Men Origins: Wolverine to having your mouth taped to an anus.

Anyway, my hetero life partner / less handsome stunt double and I are back for our own feature length movie. So, did we get screwed again? Find out next month in the new, exciting, overpriced issue of Deadpool! Nah, just kidding, scroll down.

Okay, so first off, this isn’t like any other Marvel (or Thor forbid, Disney) movie you’ve seen before. If we had to compare it to an Avenger, it would be Robert Downey Jr., but back when he was fun to party with.

There’s gonna be blood, there’s gonna be girls shaking what the good plastic surgeon gave them, and I’m gonna drop the f-bomb more times than a clumsy, good looking Marine. (The f-bomb is a swear word, the best one. [Can I say it here?]{Fuck, it’s fuck.})

I’ll admit, the dialogue is watered down by all the f-bombs. There’s some genuinely funny stuff from me and my supporting cast, especially T.J. Miller, but it’s undercut by the hundredth unwanted dick joke. I know, right? The one joke that should never not be funny, but we push it there.

But talking is only half of what I’m known for. The other half is this tight booty, and the last half is the action.

And man, it’s damn good. I get some real work done here, maximum effort. For some unknown reason I do go ham with the close combat while my guns sit holstered. Unloved, untouched, probably sleeping with the milkman.

But when I do get going! Sure, Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead do steal the zing from my buffalo wings a bit because their effects look better, I do make a show with some sweet flips and bad guy buggering.

The holy trifecta ends with the story. Now, not to toot my own horn (I do that with the door locked, thank you) but I’m kinda famous for blending that shit up in the comics. Sure, I break the fourth wall in the movie, but come on mister writer men: where’s the zombie T-Rexes? Where’s the scene where I cook 372,844 pancakes? Where’s the part where I kill the entire Marvel Universe!? Oh, the third movie? Gotcha.

Until then what you get here is a bland action / love story. My damsel in distress (the hotties known as Vanessa, or “Morena Baccarin”) isn’t that at all, as she’s just as awesome as I am. And, you know what, despite the writers making this way too lovey dovey for me, at least my damsel was a hard knockin’ broad and not some trope.

Anyway, how does this all add up? The action kicked ass and that and coupled with all the little references only long-time bros will get, this movie will keep the diehards more happy than Bruce Willis in a dirty tank top. For everyone else, this is a really, really fun action movie with viscera and butt jokes and a scene where someone fondles a blind senior citizen with a baby hand. Don’t worry, it was all consensual.

Unfortunately, every god has his flaws so I guess my movie should too. I sense that everyone was holding back for this one. You know, some foreplay before I pop up in the Avengers or a sequel and I really rock your world with better, well, everything. Until then, see this movie. Really. Please. Pretty please?

I know where you live.

Verdict It’s a great first outing for ol’ Mr. Pool, but they missed the mark a bit and didn’t take full advantage of my, ahem, considerable pull 70%