USC beating Cal, red Starbucks cups, and feeling depressed about it being pitch black at 5 pm: these are all things that have been staples of Fall for at least a decade and a half. Donuts aren’t the only thing you can get by the dozen; it’s also the amount of consecutive victories over the Golden Bears. I’m actually starting to wonder if they will ever beat us again. They’ll probably need one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL and what we found out this week, it’s not going to be Jared Goff anytime soon. Enjoy sitting in the green room for 23 picks during the NFL Draft.

To be quite honest, I was a little worried when the Philly Phanatic picked Cal to win during College Gameday. But then I soon realized that Philadelphia is such a terrible city that the biggest celebrity they could get was the mascot of a baseball team that finished dead last. I know ABC and ESPN tried to get a notable alumni from Temple for the show. Unfortunately, the most famous person to graduate from that school is Bill Cosby.

For those of you that traveled up to the Bay Area for the game or more so the “experience,” I hope you enjoyed the clusterfuck that is Halloween in San Francisco. Nothing makes being drunk in a costume better than Uber surge pricing and lines to bars so long Donald Trump considered using them as a wall to protect the border. At least you got to impress that unicorn with your rockstar costume.

This week is Homecoming for the Trojans. Homecoming is just a reminder that you haven’t really expanded your friend group since college. We all head down to LA for the game only to realize you already saw everyone last week and will most likely see them the week after this. We will all go to the same event and the same tailgates because we have a strong bond as a Trojan Family and enjoy each other’s company. Just kidding, we are all sheep and just follow whoever is herding us. If you are traveling down to the game, make sure you realize Arizona fans will also be traveling so bring condoms, hand sanitizer, and bleach to prevent any sort of infection or disease. And to avoid burning your skin refrain from touching their “naturally blonde” hair and “tan” skin.

Recap

The Good

The return of RBU! Building off our increased run attack from last week, USC ran the ball 50 times for 185 yards and two touchdowns. Not surprising, but Ronald Jones II aka “ROJO 2.0” aka “Whataburger Jones” led the team in rushing with 80 yards and a touchdown. Tre Madden returned from the repair shop after another injury to run for 62 yards and a touchdown. Madden must carry one of those punch cards every time he walks into the doctor’s office. Next visit is free!

Justin Davis had a lackluster performance, but came up huge with a seven-yard gain on third down that sealed the game.

Adoree’ Knows! It was better late than never for the Trojans, as Jackson grabbed up his first career interception and returned it for a pick six. This play was the difference maker in the game, basically putting the game out of reach for Cal. Is it too late to restart his Heisman campaign? Hello? Anyone?

At least he’s got moves.

So when did our defense become competent? Forced three turnovers and held Goff and the Golden Bears to 21 points. Justin Wilcox must know he’s gone after this season and is looking to polish that resume up.

Redshirt, blueshirt…who gives a shit? This past Saturday saw the emergence of another star—blueshirt freshman Deontay Burnett who led the team in receiving with 82 yards. A quick Google search tells me a blueshirt freshman is a “player who arrived on campus as a “preferred” or “recruited” walk-on and then eventually earns a football scholarship.” If you are worried about our recruiting, take solace in the fact that we have studs like Burnett joining the team and having to pay for school too. Although I see him receiving a scholarship in a very elaborate and planned way that will no doubt be filmed and become viral as a “heartwarming story.” (EDIT: He may have already received his scholarship. It wasn’t filmed so I can’t confirm)

Is there a quarterback controversy at USC? This is an enough sample size to see that Jalen Greene is a legit quarterback. Might have to put Cody on a short leash for the rest of the year.

The Bad

Can we stop getting injured? For like one week? Is that too much to ask? Our trainers get as much time on the field as our players. It’s honestly starting to feel like we have to make human sacrifice to the football gods to win a game. This past week’s injury may have been the most significant with JuJu Smith-Schuster fracturing his hand when he got demolished returning a kickoff in the first half. The one time Adoree’ doesn’t field a kick and this happens.

JuJu has yet to be ruled out for this Saturday’s game which is a little perplexing. I don’t know how advanced medical procedures have gotten (side note: I work in biotech) but I feel like you can’t catch with a surgically repaired hand after half a week. Then again, there is a reason we have TWO hands.

Where does Ronald Jones go late in games? Does he head back into the locker room? Does he dress up as Waldo and hide on the sidelines?

I understand the running back rotation and keeping the committee healthy and fresh, but this is an enough of a sample size to show he needs to be in on key downs late in games or it will end up costing us. Who cares if he can’t catch or block. There’s a reason it’s not called “catching back” or “blocking back”.

This is a good thing that could end up being a very bad thing, but Coach Helton is entering Coach Orgeron territory for how he has circled the wagons and motivated this team to come together as one. If he ends up winning out, and USC is forced to make a decision on whether they keep him which they won’t, it will lead to a lot of pissed off players which will not exactly be a great start to next season. But maybe Helton is head coaching material *checks to see if he was a part of the Pete Carroll era*.

Has the team ever heard of the saying “Look Good, Play Good?” No wonder our secondary was racking up the penalties. He looks like a Pop Warner player dressed by his mother for a game where it’s a “little chilly outside”. You’re insanely athletic, work out constantly, and have free* access to all the Nike apparel you want. Next time come out in ProFit gear, instead of a long sleeves shirt you got on sale at TJ Maxx.

I heard the holder on field goals stopped celebrating after every successful kick, which is a terrible move for a guy who’s never on the field. If you want to make it big in this world, also known as going viral, and you’re a bench player you have to dance your ass off. Period.

The Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

According to FiveThirtyEight, a site run by nerds dedicated to ruin sports with numbers, big words and research not done primarily on Wikipedia, USC has a thirty percent chance at winning their division, and a FOUR percent chance of making the College Football Playoff. FOUR!

The sad thing is I’ve probably used this GIF before when saying we still have a chance to make a run. Now I’m not unreasonable. I think it’s extremely unlikely a three loss team can make the playoff, but I am all in on USC winning the Pac-12 South. Utah is only a 1.5 favorite at Washington and UCLA has a quarterback who only cares about bowls that are full of hot water and bubble jets.

Game Preview

School: University of Arizona

I’ve been trying to keep this article as simple as possible for Arizona readers. Feel like the majority of their classes were taught in Buzzfeed article style. So here are the seven times “Sports by Scondi” totally previewed the USC vs Arizona game.

1.Their Fans:

The problem with previewing Arizona after previewing Arizona State is that it’s going to be very hard to not reuse the same jokes. Both schools are garbage. I think Arizona is a little bit better academically than ASU, but that’s basically the equivalent of being the tallest midget.

There is a slight fear in insulting Arizona fans because they seem like the kind of people who would get in a fist fight over a football game (or blog for that matter).

If you’re looking for unoriginal jokes about UofA then click here. I particularly liked the one that insults their intelligence (also known as all of them).

But seriously, actually scared of those Arizona hard-asses who still wear frat tanks even though they’re 25. I guess one night in the hospital is worth cleverly degrading an entire alumni base of anyone who was able to take the SATs.

This is all you need to know about the University of Arizona.

2.Record: 5-4

Arizona’s football season ended a couple of weeks ago so fully expect fans to not care because they are already obsessed with their basketball team, who year in and year out dominate the regular season only to lose in the Elite Eight. Since most Arizona’s student’s minds are the size of goldfish, they will no doubt forget all of this and repeat their sequence of fan hood for the rest of their lives as well as continue to be attracted to the shiniest objects they see like girls with the blondest hair.

But seriously, Arizona has so much arrogance with their basketball program but haven’t won a Final Four since 1997. This means alumni have been losing March Madness pools for over two decades. The winner of those pools is most likely the girl who randomly picked the teams. She also wins fantasy because she only drafts players based on how hot they look.

3.Coach: Rich Rodriguez

Oopps. That’s actually Rich Rodriguez daughter, Raquel.

Unfortunately this “rich rod” will not be able to fulfill any Arizona student’s MRS degree.

Despite being extremely mediocre, Rodriguez is being heavily rumored for top coaching vacancies including the Virginia Tech job. How is any of this possible? He’s 151-102-2 with a 4-5 bowl record. He’s basically a fat Lane Kiffin.

4.Offense:

I stopped paying attention after Arizona got College Gameday and proceeded to get curb stomped by UCLA. Is Anu Solomon still alive?

5.Defense:

Is Scooby Wright III still alive?

I guess not. The Wildcats have allowed over 40 points five times this game. And we think our defense is bad.

6.What’s the Line (-20)

Current Record: (1-7)

This is the last time I’ll be doing this section. Unless I win. Wait, this is how a gambling addiction starts? Take (insert team) with the points. With Homecoming, and a late start time mixed with Arizona students and alumni traveling to Los Angeles for the game, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Coliseum was empty because everyone around campus is blacked out in line for Chanos or those dirty dogs that are cooked on grocery carts.

7.Prediction

The only advantage Arizona has in this game is that “Bear Down” sounds a lot better than “Fight On” and looks a lot cooler in emoji form. Arizona defense and offense are abysmal. All you need to know is that they lost to Washington 49-3. Yeah, we lost to them too but we can agree that our circumstances were a tad different. Our offense is a little banged up, but our defense is beginning to figure it out. We are just flat-out better than this team. Let’s keep rolling.

USC 42 Arizona 24

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Emma, and Tommy

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places