Rep. Tom Marino’s withdrawal as the White House’s hoped-for drug czar is just the latest in a string of personnel disasters and disappointments for the administration. Yet, far worse than nominees taking on a position they can’t fulfill is the prospect of finding themselves in President Trump’s famously vengeful crosshairs. Next week, he’ll be winnowing his list of five potential candidates for chairman of the Federal Reserve. We think the candidates may want to consider readying some polite excuses before they come under fire, by adopting some self-extricating strategies that have worked in analogous situations over the years:


“Oh, gee, you’re out of the office. I was hoping to get you in. Hey, look, thanks so, so much for asking me to run that federal agency. Gosh, I would totally love to, I mean you know me, ‘Mr. Policy’! Problem is, and this is unbelievable, we just got tickets to this thing we can’t get out of at all during the exact years that you wanted me to serve! Darn it! And before you go volunteering to move the dates, I wouldn’t sleep a wink knowing the wheels of government would stall even one day more because of me. Please, give my best to Kelly and let’s work in an administration together really soon!”

To: POTUS45@wh.gov

So, I had such a great time with you at the vetting! I got home and found myself falling asleep wondering what kind of professional couple we would make! And this position? It’s attractive, exciting, checks every “dream job” box, which is why it just wouldn’t be fair to you to for me to take it. I know, it’s very confusing for both of us, so please don’t contact me while I process this. Also, I’m disabling my Twitter and blocking your replies. Stay beautiful.


POTUS, POTUS, POTUS. You! Wow. Gee. I totally didn’t see this coming. First off. I. AM. SO. FLATTERED! Just to think that someone as AMAZING and TRUTHFUL as you would want anything to do with me is MIND-BLOWING! And to take time off from calling dead soldiers to ask? BEYOND! And I totes appreciate that dossier on “our” enemies in Congress that you sent over, but we seem to have had a bit of a miscommunication. You see, I, um, already have a long term work thing with this employer in, uh, France, so . . . I know it’s a surprise because I don’t have them listed on my LinkedIn, and I haven’t changed my status on HireMe.com, and there are zero pictures of me at their company events, and yes, I did drunk-apply to that opening with you during the primaries, but, this is very serious and I’m totally committed. You’ll find someone right for you, I know you will. Take care.

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.