ATLANTA–New CrossFit exerciser Mark Phillips has announced huge results from his latest attempt to get into physical shape, visible in his bank statement.

Said Phillips, “At first, it wasn’t easy to see what I was working so hard every day for, but now that I’ve been at it for a few weeks, I can easily see the difference. The fat has been trimmed big time from my bank account.”

Phillips provided The Atlanta Banana with a list of exercises that resulted in the changes he’s seen.

“Well, first of all we do a lot of jogging around the block,” he said. “The point of this exercise is to surprise people trying to walk into the stores that are on the same block as the CrossFit gym. Basically if you think of grown people doing a hurried conga line, or an impersonation of ants heading around a baseboard, that’s what the run part is like.”

Phillips then went on to describe an exercise known as the Rope Wiggler.

“I’m not really sure what that one’s for,” he shrugged, “but I know we wiggle the hell out of some huge ropes. Like tie-a-cruise-ship-to-a-dock size ropes. And of course, we flip tires over. This is in case the tires get water in them, so mosquitos can’t breed in the little pools of water in there.”

Reporters also spoke with Shasta Hinson-Connery, gym owner.

“The fact is,” she stated, “Anyone can walk out their front door in a pair of tennis shoes and run a few miles, or go to a gym and lift weights for 35 bucks a month. The extra few hundred a month they pay covers our specialized yelling.”

“Oh, and ropes and tires, of course,” she concluded. “Gotta buy ropes and tires. And racks to do kicky pull-ups on.”