BORIS Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg have held super-secret talks in a proper tree house where girls are not allowed, especially Theresa May and Amber Rudd.

It is understood Johnson and Rees-Mogg were discussing tuck, steam trains and leadership pacts all the way up to 9pm when they had to come in for crumpets, bath and bed.

Johnson said: “It was a proper Tory rebel meeting. Mogg brought a pipe and some sherry.

“He has agreed to be my Chancellor of the Exchequer in exchange for unlimited access to all of my pornographic magazines.

“He’s very excited about the fannies.”

Rees-Mogg added: “Johnson wore a cloak and showed us his secret French Tricolore 5 book from Eton where he’d drawn a penis on every character. It was really weird.

“I wish I’d gone to the pizza night with Gove and Grayling, but nanny says I’m not allowed pizza.”