Part of me secretly wants Bernard Pollard to be behind every single Patriots injury in history. Maybe he was the reason Drew Bledsoe got hurt, and he has dedicated his life to undoing the terror he unleashed on the league in doing so. His latest victim? Julian Edelman. Formerly known as Wes Welker. Soon to be known as Danny Amendola. After that? Chris Hogan.

Seriously where do the Patriots keep finding these shifty little white dudes. I legit wonder if they have a factory. Sure Brady is good and stuff but what is it about Josh McDaniels system or Brady’s preference that always leads to shifty little white guy slot receivers turning into studs. I can’t remember the last time the Patriots biggest weapon was actually a guy on the outside. I guess that was Randy Moss, who was plenty good before showing up in New England. Why do none of the outside WRs turn into studs? Why is it always the undersized shifty white dudes?

Is Brady a racist?

Patriots stormfront factory jokes aside the very fact that they keep finding these guys is pretty much exactly why my first thought upon seeing the Edelman news was “Well that sucks for Edelman but the Pats will be fine”. Edelman has earned a lot of love in NE, but he seems like he plays the most replaceable position on the offense. Does anyone think Edelman makes the offense tick? Brady makes those dudes. Brady makes all these dudes. All the dudes have to do is run the route and be tough and nimble and Brady will make the correctly timed throw to get shit done. Gronk is the only weapon on the Pats offense that feels like he’d still excel on a team with a bad QB. Gronk could inflate Brock’s TD numbers. Edelman couldn’t.

(Edit: I forgot about B-Cooks here, but B-Cooks really didn’t set the world on fire in NO and he still had a good QB there, so I stand by my hot take)

The Edelman model has run it’s course, now the Amendola model will flourish and miraculously stay healthy until he’s not anymore, and Chris Hogan will take over or maybe the Pats will somehow obtain Trent Taylor from the 49ers, he looks like a fit. At some point I assume Brady’s own kid will play the part of the Welker, going into battle and getting concussions and tearing open his knees for the Patriots blood sacrifice.

(Edit: As pointed out below, Chris Hogan is actually a bit bigger than the typical shifty white guy model, but Brandin Cooks is exactly the right size for the shifty slot guy role [5-10ish, 180-190ish]. If Hogan goes inside and Cooks stays outside…well we have confirmation the Pats are “Slot racists”)

Godspeed, Bernard Pollard.