Recently, when I was sitting in Carter Notch Hut in – well, Carter Notch – I noticed a sign bearing the ubiquitous logos of trip advisor and yelp, and I realized that people actually must ‘yelp’ about these iconic landmarks in the White Mountains. I started to wonder what else people yelp about – what other natural, uncontrollable environments do tourists rate as though they were a restaurant or a hotel?

I saw the one-star National Park reviews online and loved it, so I thought: why not a one-star trip review for the Appalachian Trail? This way, hikers can be warned ahead of time about the true peril of the AT: poor service.

All spelling and grammatical errors have been retained to set the tone of the review, and there might be a few 2 and 3 star reviews mixed in here that I couldn’t bring myself to pass up. I would like to thank yelpers everywhere for writing this article for me. I would also like to thank the internet for the following pictures, because when I try to photograph a beautiful view my depth perception fails and my hands turn into flippers, leaving me to flop against my touch screen like a manic seal.

Without further ado, here are the one star reviews of the Appalachian Trail:

Amicalola Falls State Park – Don’t expect the beginning of your thru-hike to be anything special.

Great Smoky Mountains National Park – ‘Not the Rockies’ by someone very confused about America’s geography:

Great Smoky Mountains National Park – ‘not fulfilling the promis’ by an anonymous caveman with internet access:

Clingmans Dome – On the subject of the steep, 0.5-mile paved trail from the parking lot:

Max Patch – bring your livestock here!

Roan Mountain – Don’t waste all that energy driving up there when you could go to the Rockies right next door.

Grayson Highlands State Park – That’s strange… where is this coming from??

Shenandoah National Park, from Skyline Drive – on the National Park which has move paved road than trail:

Bear Mountain State Park – Apparently written by someone right after encountering thru-hikers:

Bear Mountain, NY (elevation: 1,283 feet) – Experienced Mountaineer Gets Lost in Wilderness

Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area – Seriously though…

Mount Greylock – From the mouth of a Nutmegger:

Lake of the Clouds Hut, Mt. Washington – I think this also might have been inspired by thru-hikers:

The Mount Washington Cog Railroad – Just a bunch of ugly mountains.

Mount Washington – Regarding the fine dining found at the Cafeteria on the summit:

I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of the Appalachian Trail’s one-star reviews! Don’t forget to put in your own two cents the next time you find your shelter doesn’t have wifi, or your hostel owner forgot to leave you a mint. We can change the service of the AT, one review at a time!