WASHINGTON—According to a study published Tuesday by the American Institute of Health, the average American experiences the most physical exertion when frantically waving their cell phone around to get a better signal. “After an extensive two-year analysis of all physical activity in the United States, we discovered that on any given day, 99,998 of 10,0000 subjects primarily exercised their muscles while trying to send a text message by holding one arm aloft, flailing it wildly, and intermittently squinting in hopes of seeing those little bars on the screen shoot up,” said lead scientist Dr. Richard Kronfeld, adding that the second most popular form of daily exercise across every age, ethnicity, and gender involved trying to boost reception by pacing about the room, climbing a flight of stairs, and standing on one’s tippy-toes.” Our team found, additionally, that attempting to make a phone call by stepping outside, trekking up and down the block, or walking to the end of the driveway is the most high- intensity workout for most Americans. However, it occurs rarely as the action requires a level of energy that may result in sweating and light windedness.” The research also found the average American’s brain was most active while trying to remember where they put their phone down earlier.


For humans who wish their phone service company would start treating them like humans and stop wasting their time: Visible. It’s phone service. In an app.