Dating is a funny thing.

There are so many different schools of thought on dating. People are always mentioning the 'do's and don't's of dating' or some tip or rule they have picked up along their arduous journey to whoever they have become today.

I never really put much stock into them because the people who tend to give me advice are horribly boring failures and I'd rather lose a limb than end up in their position... Sorry Bryce.

Now, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything but I'm potentially the best date in Melbourne. (Toot, toot.)

I've got my shit together, I'm insanely attractive, I'm charming as hell , and I'm one of the funniest people you'll ever mee t.

Also, all of those things are lies.

"You're a disgusting, sick pig and you need help." -My Grandma





I honestly feel sorry for anyone who has had to endure any prolonged period of time in my company. My friends are pretty much all either broken, or empty on the inside.

I'm a jealous, nervous wreck. To this day, I've still never been 'the most attractive in the room .' Any room. Unfortunately I also have no boundaries or conversation filter, so that'll be awkward if you... Are a slut, are super gay, are a man-child, are pale, are a soulless ginger, have weird body parts, are a gap tooth son of a bitch, have cancer, or whatever. The funny thing is true though... I'm so funn y .





But this isn't about me. (It i s though... Like, it's my blog and I'll do whatever the hell I want.)





other hand I've met some people who make me see the merit in dying alone. Tinder users know this sensation all too well. I have been single for 2 years. I've been on my fair share of terrible and/or awkward dates. I've made people hate themselves for agreeing to meet me, and on theI've met some people who make me see the merit in dying alone.



These days I generally choose to just chill out with one person (who makes me want to die alone ), but hey - nothing is set in stone.

I have come to learn this;

Everyone seems to have different expectations and standards.

I once had a guy ask me for a coffee, and when I suggested a drink or dinner instead he was like "Oh, maybe we could just catch up and have a quick 5 minute chat first and do a drink another time then?" When I asked why he said that he didn't want to have to sit through dinner or a drink if he didn't like me so he wanted a quick 5-10 minute catch up first... There are some days that I am pretty bad, but I'm bearable enough that you'd be able to last through dinner.

One time I met a guy and he walked up to me and was like;

" O h . Y ou look different in person, let's skip the movie and... I'm just gonna go."

That sucked, and made me paranoid that I looked nothing like my pictures...

B ut after asking pretty much everyone I met for the next year I've now established that guy was just a dick.

What I wanted to determine about dating though was 'how baseline are all of these so called rules' , s o I decided to do a little experiment...

I came up with a list of questions and I asked numerous different people in a range of varying circumstances to give me their honest answers.

These people come from all walks of life; Guys, girls, some are gay, some are straight... There's even a ginger AND a lesbian thrown in the mix. And. Which means t hey are two separate, equally unfortunate entities. (The ginger did wear a shirt this week that made him look like a lesbian).

You h ave my apologies for the length, but read it- you might learn something.

I had narrowed the participants into 6 categories, but then my Grandma's answers were fairly brilliant and I wanted to include them all. We have;

Single- Various people in my life who are currently single. Taken- Various people in my life who are currently dating/in a relationship. Married- Various people in my life who are currently married. Sluts- Various people in my life who are filthy sluts. Tinder- Random Tinder guys! (Right on.) Bryce- One poor unfortunate bastard with a hideous Ear:Head ratio. Grandma- Possibly the best person you will ever meet, and the worst.

I would have loved to include all the responses I received but there were SO GOD DAMN MANY, so I will only Include a few for each question. (You will get all of my Grandma's answers.)

Dating questions. (There are 14)

1. How long would you wait to contact someone who gave you their number? Would you text or call?





Single- " I never put myself in this position. I always give them my number so

it's up to them in how long they will call me."





Another Single- " Straight away. If they give you their number at all it's because they want to hear from

you. Why wait and play games?"





Taken- " I do not call/text first straight after a date. I am stubborn and like playing hard to get."





Married- "3 days, call."





Tinder- " Would probably wait a couple of days to show I'm still interested but give off a sense of acting cool about it. Text because people nowadays are scared of phone conversations and don't answer their phones on purpose, I mean I would be happy to chat on the phone but people nowadays are

socially awkward."





Another Tinder- " If they gave it to me online immediately. If in person I'd text the next day. Text only. If they called me I wouldn't answer."





Grandma- "I don't know, 2 days. Unless I needed some nookie, then within the hour."









2. On a date- do you split the bill, or who pays?

Single- " Split the bill but if he insists then I'm OK with him paying."





Taken- "I would always offer to pay for at least half, if he insists I'd let him. It's nice to be with someone who is generous"





Sluts- "I pay for the first date, always."





Tinder - " If I didn't want another date I'd let them pay if they insisted but normally try to split it. I'd only pay the total if I was really keen and it was cheap."





Grandma- "He Should pay, I'll pay him back later... In the bedroom."









3. If you are at a bar with them and others, would you mention If there was an attractive guy/crowd?

Taken- " No!! I would generally point out if I like a girl or guy's outfit or hairstyle but would never say they were hot. Massive no no!"





Married- "Umm, no. Rude."





Sluts- "Yes."





Tinder- " Depends on the person. If I'm really into them I'm probably not going to be focused on much else ... I wouldn't want to trivialise my interest in them by seeming like I'm looking for the next guy."





Grandma- "Not unless I saw someone I fancied better."









4. If you agree to go on a date with them and someone else asks you on a date, do you go, if so at which point do you no longer go on other dates?

Taken- " I would go on other dates until I felt things were getting serious. Also if I really like someone but I’m not sure how they feel I go on dates to take my mind off it until things are official as that is the way my crazy mind works."

Married- "No. Rude."

Sluts- " I would stop going on dates with others when it gets to the point where I wouldn't want them to be dating others."

Tinder- " I have had dates that I have had pre - planned then met someone I really liked and cancelled the other date. I like to focus on the one person if there is a proper connection."

Bryce- " I’d generally go on a date because I’m interested in the person so if someone else asked me out. I’d say no because I’d met someone else I was keen on."

Grandma- "I don't know, depends... Are we saying he is good in bed?"









5. After how many dates would you start to feel a connection?

Single- " It takes me a while... I like the idea of liking someone but I'm a pretty closed off person."





Taken- "It should be instant."





Sluts- " If I don't feel a connection after the first, there isn't a second."





Tinder- " Hopefully the first. If I'm not feeling anything after the second date I don't think it's working and would probably stop there."







Bryce- " I’d think I was going on a date because the connection had started in some kind of way. After the first date you’d have an idea of whether there was going to be more of a connection or not. Then you just wait and see how far the connection goes."





Grandma- "You never said whether he is good in bed or not..."









6. After how many dates is sex on the table?

Single- "T ry and hold it off just a tiny bit... So you can tease them a little and have fun with that."





Taken- " I steer clear of giving a certain number of dates but instead go for it when it feels right, just never straight away."





Married- " The first. If there's an attraction there, why the fuck not?!"





Sluts- "0. For gays sex is social."





Tinder- " I'd rather start with casual sex to see if there is chemistry. Then if

that all works I'll try a date."





Another Tinder- "4th date minimum."





Grandma- "Sex on table... The floor, washing machine, bed, couch, on the lawn... Maybe a week... Maybe I can't wait that long."









Single- " None. I don't want to know about theirs and they don't need to know about mine."

Another Single- " I usually wait 8 dates to tell them that I was a super ninja lesbian in a special section of the CIA 10 years ago."





Taken- " The past has to come up before things can get serious with someone new. Just don’t bring it up straight away or else you might as well be saying ‘I’m still in love with my ex and you mean nothing to me, I’m merely using you to rid me of my boredom’."

Sluts- " I'd rather be pretty honest. I might sugar coat some parts but on the whole honesty is best."

Tinder- " Most of it while avoiding emotional trauma and exes so I'm not seeming like I'm hung up on anything or anyone."

Bryce- " Too much haha. I’m an open book about my past. I feel like it’s good to be honest but there is a limit to what people need to know."

Grandma- "Oh fuck. I don't know... A year? I'm old, It'd take me a year to tell them the rest."









8. When do you ask about exes and previous sexual partners? How many is too many?

Single- " I can never remember having a rule for this ... As long as her vagina doesn't hang like the sleeve of wizard. It all lays in the circumstances ... If you were single for a year or two and slept around, no problem stud, you were single."

Taken- " Once you start feeling like ‘this could go somewhere’ I want to know the magic number. Over 20 is shaky ground."

Married- " When you feel a relationship may come of it ... Who the fuck cares how many people they have fucked?!"

Sluts- " Once you are in a relationship. As long as their number is less than mine then I am happy."

Tinder- " When it comes up in conversation. You shouldn't have to feel judged for how many people you have seen, everyone is different."

Another Tinder- "I'd ask whenever I wanted and more than 10 is too many."

Grandma- "I don't even remember my number... let's just say 5. So then 5 is too many. Oh wait, I mean more than 5 is too many..."

9. How much of your crazy do you reign in?

Single- " I can't rein in my crazy forever so I may as well use it to my advantage. My crazy will be just what someone is looking for one day."

Taken- "I cringe when I look back at some of the things I have written to people..."

Sluts- "All of it."

Tinder- "As much as I possibly can."

Bryce- " There’s no holding back. I’m not going to change me to fit what someone

else is after or their lifestyle."

10. If they ask something you are uncomfortable about or you think will turn them off, do you lie?

Single- " I have lied before but never about anything huge... except about my age. Once."

Taken- "Yes. Simply yes."

Sluts- " No - I mean sometimes you can make the truth sound less 'off putting'

but I wouldn't lie."

Tinder- " No, you never lie, because truth will always come out in the end - although that doesn't necessarily mean you should tell the whole truth."

Grandma- "I would lie my ass off, it's true I would. I'm going to happy hour now and not answering any more questions."









11. What behaviours turn you off? What behaviours turn you on?

The most common answers are larger, in bold.

All categories for turn on's-

"A n air of humble confidence with the ability to joke and laugh about their

insecurities. Cheekiness. Intelligence and willingness to share that. A sense of humour with a degree of political incorrectness with the knowledge of when to reign it in. Genuine smiles. Enthusiasm. Nice eyes (not a behaviour but I'll allow it.) A broad vocabulary. Drive and independence . Sorted. Caring. Being a gentleman. Manners . Happy. Talkative. Stylish. Tolerance. Carefree. Taking pride in their appearance. Someone who isn't afraid to say what they think. Honesty . Knowing what they want and chasing it. Having a beard. When it's obvious they are interested. Strong decision making. Being relaxed and easy going .



All categories for turn off's-

" Arrogance . Sexism. Casual racism. Bad manners . Poor grammar. Rudeness. Neediness. Burping. Bullying. Using stigma. Putting people down. Flakiness. Laziness . Lack of motivation. Close-mindedness. Being rude to service workers/wait staff. Not saying please and thank you. Lack of eye contact. Constantly checking their phone. Indecision. Being hot and cold. Not having a beard. Only interested in a physical interaction. Being too clean cut. Insecurity. Lies or games .









12. What is the first thing, or most important thing you want to know about them?

Single- "Do you wear runners with jeans? I cant stand that."

Taken- "How many children do you want?"

Married- "If they are they loyal."

Sluts- "Their name."

Tinder- "Top or Bottom."

Bryce- " Whether I’m being shown the real them."

(During a drink break)

Grandma- "How big is it?"

13. What do you not want them to or dislike them talking about?

Single- "Talk about what you want just don't wear runners with jeans."

Taken- "Ex's and how great they were/are."

Married- "Cheating on previous partners."

Sluts- "Past relationships or Ex's"

Tinder- "sex or hookups is generally a no go zone."

Bryce- "Their sexual past. I feel like it's a challenge.

14. How much does their upbringing, religion and occupation affect your feelings and/or decisions about them?

Single- "A person's personality is directly affected by upbringing, religion and occupation ... It's very important."

Taken- "More than I'd like to admit."

Married- "None whatsoever."

Sluts- " Upbringing and religion don't matter, occupation shows stability. If they're not working

they could turn into a financial burden pretty quick."

Tinder- "I just want the end product to be decent."

Bryce- " Doesn’t change a thing. I’ve met many people from different lifestyles

and upbringings. I wouldn’t judge or treat anyone differently."



End.





I'm not sure exactly what to conclude from the findings.

I definitely know there are a few guys on Tinder whom I won't be messaging anymore.

There are some obvious trends, but there are also some polar opposites. It seems clear that there isn't a set of rules that will fit everyone, but I have to wonder...





Are people ruling me out due to their own set of rules, and have I ruled out a potentially perfect candidate for something that doesn't really matter?

More importantly;

There were certain things that really stuck out to me, as I seem to have a different view than majority and it became really confusing.





Can we ever really know if we're being ridiculous, or if we're staying true to our beliefs?

How can we tell the difference?

Finally, when we meet the right person are all our doubts going to fall away, or are we going to miss out on them due to a few silly rules and reservations?





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I'm unsure how to behave around you,

I'm unsure of what to say.

I'm unsure what you expect from me,

it changes every day.

I'd text you in the morning,

and every single night.

I'll always tell bad jokes to you,

even when we fight.





I don't deal too well with drama,

there's lots I cannot bare.

I'll do my best to stick around,

if you need me there.





I couldn't help you when your mum got sick,

or console you when she died.

I did my best to remain strong,

you're the reason that I tried.





I don't want to come off crazy,

even though you probably think it's true.

I don't have many dreams in life,

but I've always dreamt of you.