THE HATER EDITION!!!

2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Paul Rutherford – UltiPhotos.com

In an attempt to prove to myself how much free time I have, here I have assembled a completely not subjective in any way totally objective ranking of all 48 teams that competed in San Diego last month. Not to be confused with any power/algorithm ridiculousness, this is a ranking of all the teams where it counts, the uniforms (because in 2 years I will have no clue who won what placement games to finish in what tier, but I will remember the best threads from the weekend). The method to the madness, after waiting patiently for UltiPhotos to upload photos from just about every team, was to assign each team’s light and dark kits a grade. The better of the two grades would be used to determine placement, and in case of ties (which there were a lot of) the lower of the two grades would serve as a tiebreak between teams. I think it turned out to be a pretty good representation of quantifying my opinions, save for (spoiler) Machine “cheating” the system with an amazing dark and terrible white. Very few, if any, other teams had such a discrepancy between the two grades, so I think the system worked. The notes on each jersey will obviously be much briefer than a full review, so without further ado, the bottom quarter of the field:

San Francisco Nightlock , 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Kristina Geddert – UltiPhotos.com

48: San Francisco Nightlock

The idea of a pop-culture themed team is fun, but Nightlock takes it too far. The name and the giant bird shadow and the Twitter feed and all I can think about is Hunger Games and middle school. I did not like middle school. The jerseys feel dated, the color scheme isn’t great, and the number placement is really awkward. The sublimation shadow idea is a good one, but doing it with the bird and what looks like a skyline (not pictured here, it’s across the bottom back) really crowds the jersey as well.

Columbus Cocktails, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Sam Hotaling – UltiPhotos.com

47: Columbus Cocktails

What is it with Savage and oversized sleeve logos? Also the Cocktails don’t do themselves any favors with me by eliminating one of my favorite teams at regionals, U54 Ultimate (check out their website). As far as their jersey goes, it just doesn’t work. The teal and black is an awkward combination, the way the shoulders are colored is arbitrary, and I’m not a fan of the big chevron inlay-thingy. The whites are just brutally simplistic, and didn’t even get any playing time (that I saw) at all.

Portland Schwa, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Rodney Chen – UltiPhotos.com

46: Portland Schwa

Schwa enter this list this low for a predictable slew of reasons, most notably the forgetfulness of their kits. The color scheme is good, as is the logo, but the font is uninspired, the shirts are Nike (I prefer ultimate brands), the white and darks aren’t discernibly different (If you’re gonna have two jerseys have two designs, it’s more fun) and the whole thing winds up feeling like a missed opportunity.

San Diego Wildfire, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Rodney Chen – UltiPhotos.com

45: San Diego Wildfire

A clean, simple jersey with a poppy color scheme is usually a recipe for a solid kit, but these just feel off. I like the teal, but the details are all wrong. The numbers feel oversized on the front, the flame logo feels tacked on, and why do the shorts have white arrows down the side? The whites fall in to the same boat, being so close to something really cool but just missing the mark.

DC Space Heater, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Rodney Chen – UltiPhotos.com

44: DC Space Heater

It seems like DC teams in general just haven’t figured out jersey design, and Space Heater is definitely part of the problem. The font on the numbers is “that one font that everyone has” and it is annoying at best. The gold on the bottom of the back feels a little tacked on in relation to the feel of the rest of the images on Space heater apparel, but the front logo is nice. The whites though, the DC Space Heater whites are quite probably my least or second-least favorite jersey of the whole weekend. I mean come on. I can’t stand it for too many reasons to list here, but Savage and Space Heater need to do better.

Asheville Superlame, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Kristina Geddert – UltiPhotos.com

43: Asheville Superlame

I’m gonna focus on the whites here, mostly because they got a lot more camera time, they feel more in-line with the team’s culture, and I have no idea what is going on with the darks (meatstick?). The idea to use the SuperSonics theme isn’t awful per se, if a little dated, and on paper I really like touches like putting “C. Ratlash” on the nameplate of each jersey (Charlotte, Raleigh, Atlanta, and Asheville). The font however is pretty basic and terrible, especially for sublimation, and the hoop of “Superlame” is just so low. It’s completely under the upper-chest area and it makes the whole thing feel really awkwardly sized and/or spaced.

DC Truck Stop, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Kristina Geddert – UltiPhotos.com

42: DC Truck Stop

It took me awhile to sort through how I felt about the uniforms that Truck brought to Nationals, but the more I think about them the less I like them. The whites collect the higher grade, but still not very high, for a few reasons. I appreciate the commitment to what they were going for but I feel like that’s more becoming of a college B-team, not a club contender. More offensively, however, was the giant Savage patch on the sleeve (also the collar stripe isn’t doing anybody any favors). That totally ruined it for me. It disrupted the commitment to the crayon theme (which didn’t match any other apparel itself), didn’t really match the color scheme and just felt weird.

Seattle BFG, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Kristina Geddert – UltiPhotos.com

41: Seattle BFG

All things considered, BFG executes the geometric pattern idea here pretty well. It’s just that it is a terrible idea (seriously who has been letting them get away with this for so long?). The font on the numbers in unnecessarily plain and simple, especially with the neat font of “BFG” on the front to work with. I don’t love the heavy sponsorship panels either (something Spin loves to do). I didn’t see a dark jersey for them this year, so maybe that one is better, but probably not.

DC Scandal, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Kristina Geddert – UltiPhotos.com

40: DC Scandal

Again with a DC team! This time Scandal, who had a nice concept last year, pulls a full 180 and goes with an aggressive sublimation kit that comes out, dare I say, lumberjack-y? The color fade isn’t terrible but “The District” could be a little bigger, the gap between said team name and the front numbers is weirdly big, and these come off dangerously similar to Nightlock’s from a distance. That means a hit to both teams, since originality is key.

Denver Molly Brown, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Paul Rutherford – UltiPhotos.com

39: Denver Molly Brown

Molly Brown really had an all-time kit and decided no, gray is better. Their old blue darks referencing the Nuggets jerseys remain magnificent, and the switch to these modern (?) feeling jerseys has them looking dated already. I wound up liking the whites even less, as they committed the same sin with the Truck darks in feeling way too generic. The jerseys grew on me somewhat, but they’re just kind of flat, especially juxtaposed with those blue ones.

Minneapolis Drag’n Thrust, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Paul Rutherford – UltiPhotos.com

38: Minneapolis Drag’n Thrust

Drag’n Thrust has, for better or worse, been responsible for some of the most memorable jerseys in ultimate recently. This year they toned it down a little, but still made quite a few mistakes. The look was clean and simple enough to be screen printed, but sublimation was still chosen (leaving that wonderful sheeny gloss that I love so much). The bottom stripes don’t do anybody any favors, and the font of the team name on the back is just not good. I get the inclusion of the sleeve logos, but black really wasn’t the right color choice, clashing with the rest of the jersey. I’m not a huge fan of the dark jerseys either.

Québec Iris, 2019 Club Nationals. Photo: Rodney Chen – UltiPhotos.com

37: Québec Iris

These come close to being pretty good, and honestly the coaches jersey without the number on it looks great. But the full send on “how big of a logo/number combination can we fit” just doesn’t pay off. It ends up coming off comically oversized, and the font is a little simplistic to be complemented by only lines above and below. I appreciate the consistency of font throughout all the numbers and letters however, and the location name above the team name orientation is a nice touch.

So there’s the first quarter of the teams. These went (to me at least) from just terrible all the way to just a few details away from a really good design, which bodes well for a lot of teams here. The field this year was unusually good as well, and club is always better than college at putting out a kit that doesn’t look half-assed. The shorts won’t get much airtime in these rankings, but they do have an effect, both for balancing color and showing a team’s consistency. Especially after this first one the differences between teams get really slim, and most orders get a significant shuffling before publishing (so what I’m saying is take everything here with a grain of salt). I’m not pretending to be the omniscient jersey czar, except I completely am.