With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements:

Make system less reliant on corporations’ natural altruistic tendencies

Lure more customers into the marketplace by offering coupon for one free pancreas


Peanut allergy weirdos to pay an extra $90,000 in annual premiums

Diversify member options by offering plans that cover varying levels of desire to live


Adopt Scandinavian model of wellness by discouraging Americans from being lazy pieces of shit


Maintain insurers’ ability to play God by allowing them to pull the plug on up to 1,500 members per year


Maybe—and this is just a shot in the dark—rather than relying on private citizens’ employers to select individual insurance plans from third-party providers, the government could try taking a little bit out of everyone’s paychecks and then buy one great big insurance plan that covers everybody when they get sick? Not sure if there’s a term for that. Would that work?