Godek was an illegal bioweapons project by bitter, unlaid scientists to create a G.enetic O.rganism D.esigned for E.rection K.illing. G.O.D.E.K. throws out dating advice in the same way your body might throw out three pounds of uncooked meat. He thinks the idea of buying your girlfriend a pizza is enough content for three books. On Halloween, G.O.D.E.K. doesn't give out candy -- he gives children tips on keeping their marriage spontaneous with heart balloons and back massage coupons. And speaking of children, the following four books were printed on their flattened and dried remains:

IV , V . I won every single time. I held those books down and beat them until they knew it was their fault, and it was all training for this final boss battle against sex's greatest enemy: bestselling romance author and speaker, Gregory J.P. Godek.

Love Coupons: A Coupon Gift of Love and Romance (2009)

Released in 2009 for $5.99, this book is a collection of 22 coupons you tear out and give to your lover. They're exactly like the chore coupons we all gave our mothers when we were seven, only less erotic.

Here, lover: probably nothing. In fact, it's an IOU for probably nothing. Godek, you'd have a better chance of getting laid if you bought her a snow shovel. And ladies, if you're excited about your date letting you pick out your own lottery tickets, you're probably too young to be dating a child molester.

If you're involved in a kiss that started with a coupon, it has as much chance of ending in sex as a cervical smear.

"I'm sorry, we don't honor those here, ma'am. Yes, I can see what the coupon says. It says your husband knows less about women than the person who made your dress. And it says the two of you haven't had sex since we've had a coloreds only bathroom. Now if you'll please get back to your couples square dancing class, we have paying customers that could use this table."

"OK, honey, your present is for you, just for one day, to shut the fuck up." This is a very dangerous coupon to redeem. Not because your woman might realize you're telling her to shut up, but because it's hard to tell the difference between the panicked flailing that says "you're on my hair" from the panicked flailing that denotes ordinary sex. And ordering food is almost impossible with body language. You have to keep dropping a love handle on the phone until Pizza Hut says, "Who the hell is th- oh, your wife must have used a

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language of love coupon again. We'll send your pizzas right over, Mr. Godek."

Dear wife,

I can't fucking believe you used that coupon. The only thing that sickens me more than your pedestrian concept of romance is my willingness to indulge you in it. Why do we have to taunt our sexless marriage in this horrible new way? Is it really so hard for you to just die quietly? I will never forget that you and that coupon have done this to me. To us. To our children.

If that's your girlfriend's idea of spontaneity, scientists classify her as an igneous rock, except less wet. Telling a girl to order her own flowers is like telling a boy to give himself his own blowjob. She will not be happy or impressed. This coupon has less respect for the human clitoris than North Africa.

"Look, you're the one who redeemed the coupon, and I'm the one who ate Indian food and Indian food leftovers in the same day. So quit making faces and hold my hand through this. Hrnk! I'll be damned if I let you leave and tell all those bitches at your work that we can't even get through a romantic coupon together!"

Cuddling, snuggling, coupons and romantic comedies ... Godek, your ideas for dates sound like the side effects of chemical castration. You womanly little thing, the closest she'll get to fun on this date is when your pants come off and she laughs about how she thought you were a lesbian.