Can you believe it’s been a year already?

I can still remember every detail of that day perfectly.

How soft Tomato’s big, floppy ears were.

How incredible Papa’s cooking tasted.

How sweet my little Phoenix was when I tucked him into bed.

And how perfect Ivy felt in my arms when I held her for the last time.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything in here, but let me tell you, a hell of a lot has changed since then… But I guess that’s kind of expected, huh? A year can change everything, just like that. It’s a lesson life seems to like throwing at me, over and over again.

Things are so different now than they were a year ago… And not just for me either.

Erik and Rubi are supposed to be having their baby sometime next month, right around my birthday, funnily enough. I’d kinda been wondering why he and Rubi moved their wedding date up all of a sudden… But it was pretty easy to put the pieces together once I found out. Erik says it’s gonna be another little boy. And Phoenix is practically beside himself. “Baby” and “Brother” have been his two favorite words lately. It’s actually pretty cute… Until he decides to start reaching for my stomach and saying “Baby” again and again. Sorry, kid. It ain’t happening!

Still… It’s amazing to see how smart my little boy is. And I don’t just mean with the baby thing either. He can already name his colors, count to ten, and even recognize all the letters of the alphabet. He’s been speaking in full sentences too… It’s incredible! Even Erik’s been completely blown away. He’s always finding new ways to surprise us, every day. He’s our little genius.

And speaking of geniuses, Ivy would be so proud of Finn if she could see him right now. His grades were incredible last semester… again! He’s really been working his ass off. The two of us hardly get to hang out anymore, since he spends so much time studying… but honestly, I think that’s pretty great. He’s trying so hard to really make something of himself, y’know? Every time we talk, he tells me how happy he is with how things are going. And I really think that’s all Ivy ever wanted for him.

And Katie’s been doing pretty great with her school stuff too. Just last week she was telling me she finally settled on Computer Science as her new major. I think she’s still pretty upset that she can’t teach… but I really think it’ll be great for her. I just hope she manages to find a job once she graduates. If anyone deserves it, it’s her.

Rylie ended up giving up on school all together after last summer to focus more on her career. And I’m so damn proud of her too. She’s still performing with her band on the weekends, but she started recording some solo songs a few weeks ago. And from what I’ve heard, her Youtube channel’s basically been blowing up lately. For the first time, she’s really getting her name out there… it’s so exciting!

And then there’s Dev… he’s pretty much in the same boat with his artwork as I am with my writing. I’m still working down at the library and taking some classes at the university. He’s been running painting sessions at one of those trendy “paint bar” places.

I finally finished all the rewrites on my novel, and started putting out some queries to agents… but I’ve still got a hell of a long way to go if I ever want it published. And Dev’s sold some of his artwork at a couple of art shows lately, but he’s really not getting anywhere either.

But that doesn’t mean either of us are planning on giving up anytime soon.

I mean, a year or two ago? Yeah, honestly, I probably would have started calling myself a failure and throwing myself some big fucking pity party over it.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this crazy fucking rollercoaster these past few years have been, it’s that when things get hard, you don’t just lay there and give up. You don’t sit around and just hope that things are gonna get better.

You power through it. And you make things better.

That was probably the hardest lesson I had to learn.

It started back when I was in prison. Dr. S used to try and help me see that. Katie too. And Ivy…

She was the one who really helped me learn that I can’t keep running from my problems or blaming other people for them. That’s something she never did. Ivy would always try and do better, no matter what. And when things got shitty, she’d look for that silver lining to help her make it through. And she taught me to do the same.

But after she was gone, I’d almost forgotten everything she taught me. I started letting myself slip back into the very same shit I’d been trying to escape from.

And that time, it was Dev who helped pull me out again.

I’m not sure how I could have made it through the past year without him. I mean sure, I was able to figure out a lot of shit on my own. But he was there supporting me every step of the way… Just like he always has.

When Katie used to tease me at school, Dev was always there.

When I was too young and stupid to see how bad Erik was for me, Dev was the one person who tried to get through to me.

But then, after Erik’s overdose, Dev was still there to help me make it through.

When I started stealing from my Oma, Dev tried to be that same voice of reason again.

He even stayed by my side when I was in prison… Maybe not literally, but as well as he could.

And when I faced the most devastating loss of my entire life, there he was again. Just like always.

He’s my best friend. My rock. My…

Anyway, the point is, it’s taken a whole friggin’ year… But I think things are finally getting easier. Better, even.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have bad days. Sometimes I still get angry and defensive about the stupidest little shit. Sometimes it still feels so much easier to blame other people for my problems. Sometimes I still miss Ivy so much that I don’t even wanna get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself again, and I just wanna disappear.

But then I try and remind myself what the kindest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met once told me about silver linings.

And after all this time, I think I’m finally learning how to find them.