The age old question “who am I” is best used to describe someone that simply doesn’t know anymore. I was alone and didn’t know anymore. I had no one to speak with when situations got bad and I had no one to laugh with when the mood was joyful. I wished for a friend and as that is how this story starts. I stood on the edge of the bridge prepared to jump into the freezing black waters below. The drop alone would, kill and if not suffocation would be the killer since I could not swim. It was 2:33 A.M. exactly and I stared down into the water, legs shaking, as if I could fall into forever. I didn’t even know what that thought meant, but it sounded like the correct emotion for the moment. After a short while I stepped down and drove back home. The roads are always so quiet that late at night and I liked the silence. Once I got back home I stared at the wall and wondered why that had just happened. Then I wondered why I had not fallen into forever. The answer was never found that night and I had to get up and go to school the next morning. It was no fun to be in school anymore, like it used to be and I just wanted to stay home, but could not. Classes passed by, just like the friends in the hallways and suddenly I was back at home as if the day hadn’t even happened at all. At least that was how I felt. Going up the stairs and into the bedroom I felt as if each step was harder than the last until I eventually collapsed on the floor. It was cold and hard on the floor, but I didn’t mind, that’s how I felt inside anyways. I then slowly stood up and walked to the bedside table and picked though its contents till I held salvation. That salvation was the razor I used to slice away flesh and watch blood flow out of the wounds I had made. I somehow felt better. The days rolled by in this fashion without anybody to talk to. I was lost and alone in a place I wished I could escape from. I knew why blood had to flow every night and I could never say it out loud. Instead I would write the same note on a slip of paper each night. The note read “I am a coward, I am a disgrace, I am the worst, I am not worthy, I wish I could stop, I wish it felt better, I wish I had a friend”. At that point there were 128 copies of the note all stacked in an orderly fashion. On day 129 is when things finally began to happen for better or for worse. On day 129 I got a bully, a bully that liked to punch with his fists as well as with his words. His attacks hurt the body and soul. I don’t know why he picked that day to start, but that night I made the blood flow harder than it ever had before. Every day he would call names that hurt, and then when I did not respond he would throw punches that hurt a little less than his words. I never showed emotions to him though and only let the emotions out at home, when I could be alone. The notes had reached 148 when I went back to the bridge. The same thoughts and same feelings came back as on the night I had last been here (night 115). This time when I looked into the black portal I could see the starlight shining back into the worlds. I felt so small looking down and then back up at those starts. I didn’t even stand on the edge again because even though I felt small I felt better somehow, but not good enough to stop the cuts from appearing that night. And in the morning I went back to school and sure enough bully was there to cause pain with extreme prejudice. He had some underlings this time and after the words were called I was held down and beaten till blood flood form a new location, the face. I could not see anything except blood. I went home after that and made even more blood come out. I wished again for someone to talk to, but living alone as a teenager had its disadvantages. I decided to look for a friend at a party I had heard about while wandering the hallways in between class because I couldn’t learn anymore that day anyways. I heard the two girls say the party would be “So totally epic” and I decided to try and have some fun for once in the longest w while. Apparently the only requirement was to bring booze so I went out to a liquor store and asked a nice man to buy something cheap. He came back out with a very cheap bottle of booze and took off with the change, but it was okay because I had alcohol and that was good somehow. So I drove to the party.