CONCORD – Last night, Senator Bernard Sanders defeated Secretary Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary. With the voter turnout in the primary being at record breaking highs for Democrats and Republicans alike, candidates from both parties are gearing up for the long haul that is Nevada, South Carolina, and Super Tuesday. Sources indicate that smear campaigns will soon be launched to tarnish Senator Sanders’ reputation as a public servant. Research into his past has already begun, and has also begun disappointing information hunting interns who can’t seem to find anything scandalous.

“It’s so weird,” said Hillary for America Intern Monica Lewis. “He was notorious for stirring up trouble in college. The problem is that now, the kinds of trouble he stirred up would only boost his performance in the polls. Look here” said Richardson as he pointed to his computer screen.

“The dude wrote a sex column in his school newspaper once. Raunchy, right?” asked Richardson sarcastically. “All it did was criticize his alma mater’s housing policies because of how unbelievably sexist they were. If this leaked, we’d lose the few female supporters we have left”.

Over at Rubio’s HQ, the Robot himself was sitting, connected to the Wi-Fi, surfing the web for something to publicize that would stain Sanders’ reputation.

“Processing.” said Senator Rubio. “Arrest Record Found. Scanning Documents,” he muttered. There was a low hum emitted from the Floridians mouth, followed by a look of disappointment. “He was arrested once.” reported Senator Rubio in monotone. “He was demonstrating and supporting the end of segregation in public schools in Chicago.” There was an uncomfortable pause. “His popularity would increase largely by liberal and undecided voters. In fact, the only demographic of people who would see this information and further dislike Sanders are already voting for Trump.”

“Trump.” Rubio repeated. “Trump. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink water in front of the nation to prove to them that I am not, in fact, a robot.”

Backstage with Donald Trump, the businessman had this to say.

“Look, when I leaked to the press that he was Jewish, he handled it in stride. I figured that playing the racist anti-semite has been working for me this far, why not try and use it to take down Bernie? It’s fine, some politically insignificant yet drama-inducing sex scandal will come out soon and he’ll be done.”

Meanwhile at Clinton headquarters, Hillary’s husband introduced himself to her staff, including advisors, statisticians, and some of her interns.