Oscars? Meh. Booooring. La La Land, the hot favourite, won 7, just as everyone guessed. Any hope of a sneak upset was dashed when Faye Dunaway read out the…

Wait. There’s confusion. Hold up a second. The wrong envelope? What? What just happened? What is Warren Beatty trying to explain just happened? Can this possibly be true?

In a last-ditch twist so universally jaw-dropping that M. Night Shyamalan has already – quite genuinely – taken credit for it on Twitter, the actual winner of Best Picture was not La La Land at all. It was Moonlight.

It took an incredible several minutes for this monumental screw-up to be witnessed, addressed and rectified. In this time, the poor La La Land producers had time to thank their agents, their wives, and everyone else in the room while we sat and yawned. Then one of them stepped in with big, urgent news. “This is not a joke,” he was forced to explain. “Moonlight won.”

In came Beatty again. Suddenly it all made sense. He had stared inside the envelope in such bafflement, groping within in case it contained something he couldn’t initially find. It looked like he was horsing around, but he was clearly just confused. He was holding the one that said “Emma Stone, La La Land” inside it. And Faye Dunaway saw the last three words, and fatefully delivered them to the world.

But Moonlight – truly the year’s *best* picture – was the title inside the envelope they should have been given. Moonlight! For it to win in this fashion was an insane coup, a heaven-sent miracle for the movie’s fans. We will pore over this footage for years, scrutinising every detail. The Oscars have never dealt a surprise like this, in 90 years, not once. Narrative drama in any format may have just peaked. And every jaw in Hollywood is still being scraped off the floor.