I’ve been spending a lot of time talking to men about gender relations lately. I’ve talked to older working men, who are afraid to interact with their female coworkers and accidentally say something that could be construed as harassment. I’ve talked to millennial men on the dating scene, who are increasingly afraid of women they’re with falsely claiming assault. I’ve talked to taken men, who even in mature relationships fear that the tides could turn, and she could come out with a story of rape as an act of revenge.

These fears aren’t entirely unfounded. 2% to 10% of formal rape accusations are found to be unsupported. I personally know men these things have happened to.

As a feminist, I know I’m ‘supposed’ to be on the side of the women in this story. And believe me, I want to be. No victim deserves to be left behind. But the more I talk to these men, the more something about these stories sticks out to me.

I don’t think these women are victims. I think they consented.

Yes, these women have had negative sexual experiences. Sometimes profoundly negative. But the fact that the sexual experience was negative doesn’t mean it was assault.

What separates a sexual experience from sexual violence is consent.

consent (kuh n-sent)

verb (used without object)

to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield (often followed by to or an infinitive): He consented to the proposal. We asked her permission, and she consented.

Consent has nothing to do with feelings. People can choose not to consent to experiences that make them feel good, and they can consent to experiences that make them feel bad.

I think some women who claim assault actually consented. Maybe they didn’t want to consent, or they felt pressured to consent, or they regretted consenting, but they did.

There are a lot of reasons a woman might consent to something she doesn’t want to consent to.

She feels situational pressure to.

She feels like since she’s done one or two sexual acts, she’s obligated to ‘seal the deal.’

She feels like she can’t talk to her partner about her concerns.

After consenting for one of these reasons, a person is likely to feel regret. I know I would, and have. I think every woman in America has had a sexual encounter that they consented to for the wrong reasons and ended up regretting afterward, to some degree or another.

But no matter how much you regret it, it is not rape.

I think women who call this rape (or sexual assault) are confusing their negative feelings with lack of consent.

These objections don’t rise to the level of coercion. Just because I feel situational pressure to put out, doesn’t mean I’m being coerced to. That situational pressure may come from my partner, but it may come from my own mind.

Wherever the situational pressure comes from, it’s my responsibility to say “I don’t want this anymore.” If I don’t communicate lack of consent (and in fact, communicate consent by allowing the interaction to continue), then I am not being raped, no matter how unpleasant the interaction.

These women wouldn’t have gone through these negative sexual interactions if they stood up for themselves and clearly communicated what they want (or didn’t want), when they wanted it (or didn’t want it). If they had the courage to say “no,” at the time it was happening, these things wouldn’t have happened to them.

Or, more simply, if these women had said no, these interactions wouldn’t have happened. So they are not assault.

Since this runs counter to the feminist narrative, I’ll lay out what I mean in a little more detail using my two examples from the opening paragraph.

In the case of the female employee being harassed

Lets say her boss does say something that makes her uncomfortable. Instead of standing up to him, she says nothing. Later, she goes to HR and tells her side (and only her side) of the story. HR is, of course, biased in favor of the woman, and files a harassment claim.



And sure, maybe the boss did say something inappropriate, but it isn’t necessarily because he’s an incurable predator.

Maybe he’s socially awkward and didn’t realize he might cause discomfort.

Maybe he didn’t pick his words carefully that day.

Maybe he thought he was paying her a compliment.

If any of these things are true, she could solve the problem by firmly saying “that comment made me uncomfortable.” They could have a brief discussion about it, and the problem would be solved.

In fact, I’d say she owes her boss this conversation. People are innocent until proven guilty. But by rushing off to HR, she’s presuming guilt without any evidence.

It only rises to the level of harassment if the woman has this discussion two or three times, and has made herself clear to whoever it is, and he unapologetically refuses to stop. That would be guilt, and that would warrant a trip to HR.

In the case of the woman claiming assault

This situation is similar to that of the female employee, but more extreme.

It’s assumed that if you’re out on a date with someone, there’s going to be sexual overtures. Typically it’s incumbent on the man to make the moves. He has to assess how forward the woman wants him to be, often based on nothing more than clothing and body language. Which, as we all know, is murky at the best of times. Given these conditions, it’s really not surprising that some men might overshoot. When a man does overshoot, she could say “hey now,” laugh, and use body language to indicate ‘please take it easy.’ If that ends up not being clear enough, she could be more obvious in her body language, such as scooting back. One time, I even told a man point blank “Please don’t flirt with me.” It was a bit forward, but it got the job done.

Or, perhaps, the date goes well enough that they go back to someone’s place. As things start to heat up a bit, she decides she doesn’t really want this. But clothes are off, and there’s a lot of situational pressure to keep going.

Being in that kind of situation sucks. But that doesn’t change the fact that the man is not a mind-reader. The fact that the woman feels uncomfortable may be evident in her body language… or it may not be. Many women are good at hiding their feelings, especially from strangers. Even if it is obvious she’s hesitant, the man might not be able to read it for some reason, such as autism or other social delays.

If she fails to communicate that she no longer wants this, then technically, she is still consenting. She just wishes she wasn’t. This isn’t a case of sexual assault, just communication breakdown.

Ladies, I know it can be intimidating to communicate lack of consent when a situation has progressed past a certain point. But if you don’t, you are consenting, whether you want to or not.

When the woman communicates she is no longer consenting (“I am uncomfortable with this,” “I’m not into that,”) and he continues to verbally press (“Oh, come on!”), it’s still not assault. He’s being an asshole, but it’s not assault. The woman can and should say “I’m not cool with this, I’m leaving,” and then proceed to do so.

If he doesn’t let her leave, that’s assault.