God, Lord of the Universe and creator of all things, is reportedly feeling “extraordinarily” frustrated that the gay people of Auckland – estimated to be the large bulk of New Zealand’s gays – are located nowhere near a fault line that could cause them sufficient devastation.

God, who punished Christchurch’s gays in 2010 and 2011, Seddon’s gays in 2013, and Kaikoura and Wellington’s gays earlier this week, is now left faced with the reality that the tectonic plate structure of the earth has made Auckland’s gays “essentially unreachable.”

According to prominent theologians, the only method God has at his disposal for punishing sexual sinners is earthquakes, which makes Auckland’s location particularly rage-inducing.

“Obviously, earthquakes are the best and only method of punishing homosexuals,” said Catholic priest Father Donoghan. “When God wants to punish a specific group of people, he sets in motion a large, indiscriminate event that harms everybody.

“There’s simply no other way to do it.”

Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki has been warning about God’s growing frustration for many years now, and has continued to sound the alarm in wake of Monday’s 7.8 magnitude tremor.

“Leviticus says that if the amount of certain iniquity was in people, it had an effect on the land,” Tamaki preached in a sermon this week. “The land actually speaks to God, and God to the land. When homosexuality is rampant, the earth convulses beneath us. That’s what happened to Christchurch, that’s what happened to Kaikoura.

“’Why Kaikoura?’ you ask. Kaikoura is the gayest town in all of New Zealand. It is our Sodom and Gomorrah wrapped into one.

“The earth heard that, and the earth spoke.”

Tamaki told his congregation that there had been “extensive evidence” of homosexuality between seals on the Kaikoura coastline, and that it was “no wonder” the Ohau Point seal colony had been levelled.

“But in some cases,” he said, “Man seeks to run from the wrath of God. In our arrogance, we build cities, like this one, Auckland, far from the reach of God’s judgment. There are no fault lines here, and God is unable to touch us. As the Bible says, the LORD’s reach is only so far as a stressed fracture in one of the earth’s many plate boundaries.”

Tamaki warned that this made God “very angry,” and that he would “continue to lash out” so long as he could not stop Auckland’s rampant debauchery.

“So I say now, to the homosexuals, and the adulterers, and the child abusers, and the scat enthusiasts, and people who look up ass-to-mouth, rise up from this land, and march southward. Because for every day you remain here, you incur God’s wrath further, and he will be forced to destroy other places out of sheer frustration he cannot hurt you.”

Signs of Tamaki’s assertion that earthquakes are God’s only means of retribution against homosexuals are beginning to become evident in which buildings have sustained structural damage in Wellington, say engineers. The Reading Cinemas building, which was evacuated this afternoon, has shown Brokeback Mountain at least once, and the Deloitte building, which is at imminent risk of collapse, has a pretty gay sounding name.