Subtle

I started this blog as a joke for one of my friends in Korea, but decided to have a go at actually providing more content and making it into a thing. I was discussing it with a Korean friend of mine, who I will refer to as Captain Dokdo to preserve his anonymity. It led to the following exchange, which led to the following article.

[Captain Dokdo ] [17:57] Do you have some ideas on what kind of articles you want to right about?

[KCMF] [17:57] Counting every dick reference in EXID’s music videos

[Captain Dokdo ] [17:58] There’s dick reference in EXID MV?

[KCMF] [17:59] … 농담?

[KCMF] [17:59] Or are you serious?

EXID is possibly one of K-Pop’s proudest standard bearers of the practice of making K-Pop music videos almost, but not entirely unlike softcore pornography through the constant, almost dizzyingly varied innuendos they splooge all over the screen. Their true forte, however, lies in the dick reference.

LIE may not reach the dizzying heights of ‘Up and Down’ in its absurd cockery, but it gets pretty close. Let’s count down the cocks, and then I’ll throw in some guff about how we felt about the song afterwards. Captain Dokdo will be assisting, as cataloguing the sheer amount of phallic imagery in an EXID MV is definitely a two-man job (as I imagine LE to be, I reckon she snaps the necks of her mates when she finishes having her way with them.)

So, Dokdo and I sat down and watched the video.

Our (edited) insights on the dick reference numbers and quality now follow. Expect them fondly~ (i.e. now)

[KCMF] Pink key. Dick? I mean, dicks are inserted into things and every race has some pink up in that area.

[Captain Dokdo] Foreskin you mean.

[KCMF] Yes, thanks Yoda. Or am I reaching for dick where there is none?

[Captain Dokdo] I don’t know. To me, I think it’s possible they’re referencing used condom with semen in it, making it looks dragged out by adding weight.

[KCMF] … wow.

[KCMF] Jesus, was this directed by a 13 year old? This is pretty fucking blatant.

[Captain Dokdo] I wonder what the artist was thinking when the director told them to get very questionably shaped pink key lock with room No. 690 written on it.

[KCMF] Dick or no dick? Magnify and enhance…

[Captain Dokdo] I think that’s bit of a stretch don’t you think? Yeah, I mean when drawn on balls are hanging on that seemingly meat like shaped ornameant, yeah it does look like what it looks like but-

[KCMF] She’s touching the tip seductively; that’s gotta be half a dick at least.

[Captain Dokdo] My thought is that they are trying to celebrate women claiming their rights to find pleasure on their own, look at the both end of the ornament, it’s definitely some sort of a dildo. A double headed kind.

[KCMF] Interesting insight.

How about this?



[KCMF] What’s Hani doing here?

BEATING THE MEAT.

SHE IS LITERALLY BEATING THE MEAT.

(that’s slang for jerking off in English)



[KCMF] Remind you of anything?

[Captain Dokdo] Ah, now I get it i think they tried to include some feminist/body positive messages in their videos it’s subtle but surely it’s put out there.

“Look at me beating my meaty curtain. Goddess comes in many sizes, shapes and form, celebrate your meat curtain and beat away. ”

[KCMF] Interesting.

[KCMF] My theory is that the ‘lie’ is that people don’t masturbate.

[KCMF] A lot of people like cranking it

[KCMF] But say they don’t. But everybody does.

[Captain Dokdo] Look her fiercely beating dem meat, yeah, girls should flap away their lady wings as the nature intended so.

[KCMF] Your imperfect English makes this so much more visceral

[Captain Dokdo] TY BB. 대한민국 만세!

[KCMF] Let’s have some love for LE’s rap. Although, why always with the

[KCMF] Every damn time

[KCMF] Is it a Korean thing?

[Captain Dokdo] Oh please, get with the program… she’s hinting the size of her lady pond.

[KCMF] …

[KCMF] Moving swiftly on.

[Captain Dokdo] I thought nobody needed to an explanation for that one. Disappointing.

[KCMF] This section of the video is also great for people with a foot fetish. Like, there’s a blatant closeup of LE’s soapy, wet feet. Did Quentin Tarantino direct this?

[KCMF] Thoughts?

[Captain Dokdo] Hmm, a little jab on the size obsession maybe? Actually I’m not quite sure what they meant with this scene.

[KCMF] Maybe it’s not a cock. I’ll award it 0.5.



[KCMF] That.

[KCMF] That is a penis.

[KCMF] That is a boobdick.

[Captain Dokdo] It’s this.

[KCMF] Oh, come on.



[KCMF] The elevator is literally getting a boner.

[Captain Dokdo] Yep, this confirms. Before we started analyzing the video I had vague ideas that the concept is penis worshipping but actually in closer observation this looks more like celebration of female masturbation and fight against shaming culture towards on the topic.

[KCMF] Then at about 3:50 we reach Hani jerking off the pepper grinder, which I’m going to count as about 5 dicks because it’s about as blatant as JYP’s ass fetish.

Then, the video ends with the man exploding.

‘Exploding.’

I mean, come on.

[Captain Dokdo] Why they’ve chosen the pepper grinder, is I think, the detail we should spent more time discussing. See, the pepper grinder, by coming in touch with her [redacted, come on Dokdo, get your fucking head out of the gutter you God damn degenerate], inflicts pain on her lady lips with pepper grind bits, and pepper in Korean is “고추” which also happens to be a slang for penis. Could be a artistic reference hidden behind wordplay. By coming in touch with the pepper(or “고추”) the V aches and pain. It’s referencing the message this video is secretly trying to relieved, “Dicks are not necessary on the road to pleasure. Diddling yourself is the answer.”

[KCMF] I think the message we can take from this video is that regardless of gender, EXID are fine with you jerking off to Hani – so they’re still riding the fancam fame-wave.

[KCMF] So, while I tot up the amount of cock references and try and edit this into something readable, thoughts on the song as a whole? I mean, you can actually understand the lyrics, but just in general as well. Like, dislike?

I mean the song as a song, not as a metaphor for jerking off.

[Captain Dokdo] Meh, I give it a 4. Let’s make it 4.5 for the music video producer’s brave choice for going with the diddling concept.

[KCMF] So, I make it 6 dick references, 2 blatant references to wanking. If we count each wank reference as 5 dicks, which I think is fair, that’s an impressive one penis per 16.5 seconds, or just under 4 cocks a minute.

I’d give it a 7. I liked LE’s rap, the dance break was cool, and the airhorns made me chuckle. It’s not as good as ‘Ah Yeah’, but few things are.

[Captain Dokdo] I do like the song more after downloading it. I agree, not a masterpiece but a catchy tune that’ll do well for the season it came out.

Let’s settle for 6.9.

[KCMF] Subtle.

Final song rating:

Out of 10.

Postscript

It’s dicks all the way down.

Update 2

Reddit user ClarkedZoidberg, a true connoisseur of sexual imagery and by all accounts a fan of f(x) and therefore probably a good person, pointed out this ‘shadow 69’, which I will count as a sexual act where both parties are getting off and therefore worth 10 dicks, bring our final tally to twenty six, just over 6 cpm (cocks per minute), or 1 dick per ten seconds. Thanks, ClarkedZoidberg; may almighty JYP whisper his name kindly upon you.