ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Just days after the boss of the nation’s third worst state went on breakfast television claiming she’d never had a bamboo schooner before, the Catholic church has released a study that supports Premier Gladys Berejiklian’s claim that extremely harsh penalties that affect a young person’s life until they die is the best way to prevent drug-related festival deaths.

An alarming number of young people in New South Wales, a district to our town’s untamed south, have died as a result of taking drugs at music fesitvals this summer and residents and parents are demanding action.

Despite never having been to a festival, let alone a festival on drugs, Gladys Berejiklian is holding firm against calls for pill testing to be made available in order to raise the safety bar.

Now there’s evidence to back up her claims, some of which say having pill testing gives young people ‘the green light’ to ingest drugs at these depraved, Pagen ceremonies around the state.

With that study clutched in her hand, Berejiklian fronted the media this morning at the Opera House minutes after shooing that ghastly seal off the adjacent wharf.

“The Catholic church agrees with the Government,” said Premier Berejiklian.

“That harsh and extreme penalties for possessing and taking drugs at music festivals will stop the youth from doing it. I know that I might seem a bit out of touch but you can’t argue with the facts,”

“Now hopefully those bootlickers from Keep Sydney Open who like standing into the wind and getting piss all down the front of their Nudie jeans might wake up to themselves and understand you can’t get elected on a single-issue. I trust this matter is over, pending another death at Laneway or something. Cheers.”