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Family To Withhold Weekly One Dollar Tithe Until They Receive Answers

Longtime parishioners of Holy Cross Parish, the Keatons, have angrily informed their pastor that they will be withholding their weekly dollar donation until they “receive answers” from the Vatican.

“So long as Pope Francis remains silent, we will not be donating!” the Keaton family told parishioners outside Holy Cross during Mass. “Think of it this way—his Holiness has already cost this parish close to three dollars. They’re clearly bleeding money. At this rate, the parish will be on its last legs come two weeks from today. How else can they expect to pay the bills?”

A clearly distraught pastor, Fr. Richard Williams, told EOTT that the parish has for ten year now depended on Williams’ donation to pay bills, and was not sure what he would do without the generous tithe.

“I’m at a loss for words,” Williams said. “I’m sick at heart. I understand that the Pope does need to say something, and that it’s odd he won’t even though he’s had something to say on every subject under the sun up until now, but we just won’t be able to make it. We’d be forced to shut the parish down in a month, two if we really stretched every dollar.”

Spokesman for the diocese Janice Tumble told EOTT this morning that this is not an isolated threat.

“Every parish has one or two of these Keaton-type heavy hitters, and they’re all saying they’ll pull their dollar donations. Should this continue, and the Pope continues to remain silent, We see the entire diocese shutting down by Christmas.”

At press time, the Keaton family is discussing leaving the Church altogether, which would undoubtedly destroy the Catholic Church in America, and potentially Europe.