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AS everyone knows, there are only two female body types; desirable, and undesirable. We’ve consulted out Tabloid Beauty Bible, and unfortunately, it turns out that the vast majority of you ladies are in camp two.

Right now, a lot of you are probably thinking ‘well, that’s it for me, may as well roam in the arctic wastelands alone and unloved for the rest of my pitiful life’, but fear not! Help is at hand!

We know you’ve struggled to conform to the internationally accepted standards of beauty in the past, and that you’ve tried every diet and fad that we, the media, have told you to in a bid to look the way society needs you to look, and each and every time we’ve moved the goalposts and made that perfect body shape more unobtainable than ever. But not this time!

No, the secret to that perfect feminine hourglass figure has been right there in front of you all this time, particularly if you live on the coast. Sand!

By simply eating the recommended daily allowance of sand, the female body will naturally fill with grains of crushed aggregate until it has formed into a perfect hourglass shape. It’s just science.

Please note, regular handstands will be required to maximise the effects of this incredible new body-shaping regime! Plus, you’ll never need to worry about over-boiling an egg ever again! Not that you should be eating eggs, that’s what has you in the undesirable camp in the first place!

Hurry! Do it now, grab a shovel and a bag of sand, and get the body we demand of you today!