November 12, 2016

As you all know Hillary Clinton has been declared the next president of the United States. More importantly 60 million registered voters voted for me. She can’t ignore that. 60 million Americans believe that I should be the leader of the free world. 60 million people believe it should be my finger on the red button.

I told you, before any of you even voted, I told you the election would be rigged. It was rigged. No, no, it was rigged, of course. I made sure of it.

Let me remind you of a few campaign promises, you can bet Shillary won’t be accomplishing, believe me.

Ban Muslims from entering the country.

Build a great, great, wall and make the Mexicans pay for it.

No more pussyfooting about waterboarding and stronger.

Cut taxes for the wealthy , who will create tremendous jobs.

Cut Education & EPA budgets, they’re a disgrace.

I’m not going to go on. That’s why you voted for me. You voted for the greatest salesman the world has ever seen. This is the Art of the Deal, folks. I am so loved by my people I can call you, what’s your name dear? Megan? I can look straight at you Megan and tell the whole world that you’re a fat pig right here on television. And you’re all going to cheer. Go ahead, get her out of here.

Look, I’m glad Hillary won the rigged election. I don’t want to be president. I never wanted to be president. I showed you how easily the most powerful nation in the world can be subverted by one person, voted into office by the majority, and I almost did it too. I have said crazy things, the craziest. I have made innuendo out of thin air and you have found a way to believe it. I stayed up at night, late nights, trying to figure out how insane I have to act before I lose your vote. No matter what I do, and I’ve done some stuff, half of America loves me. The party leaders walked away and you still love me.

There’s a lesson here. You can’t trust Hillary, it’s true. You can’t trust any of your politicians. You need, and believe me it hurts me to say this, you need a free and investigative media to hold your government honest. They stung me, they stung me. I thought for sure that’s all it would take, but no. You believed my rationalizations no matter how silly I made them. Folks, you have a duty here and you’re slacking, you’re slacking.

Peaceful democracy isn’t handed to you. You have to be vigilant. When a leader says they have a plan but doesn’t share the details you have be skeptical. How a leader treats other people is important. I might have done some things I’m not proud of, once, maybe. The behavior of the president affects how the rest of the world sees the people. Do you want the USA to be the greatest country in the world? Then start acting like it.

I may never run for president again. I don’t like losing. If I don’t, someone else will run who makes me look like a Boy Scout. Give them Hell.

Author’s note: In case this isn’t completely obvious, this is a work of fiction. It only reflects a reality that I wish were true. To see more visit: kindperson.org.