I’m in the middle of some rare time off. It turns out this doesn’t come naturally to me, although this time round I’ve relished the opportunity to stop treating Spider-Man on PS4 as a to-do list (get the rucksacks! Beat up the criminals in their hideouts! Catch pigeons etc…) and actually have the time to enjoy and finish the surprisingly emotional storyline.

I know I need to reset – the issue is that I feel horribly guilty if I don’t have Twitch open with ESL Pro League [EPL] on watching every moment like my life depends on it, but I need to get trains and see family I’ve barely seen in the past year or so, go out with friends before they think I’ve abandoned them (or disappeared entirely) and play some games for myself offline.

However, I’m also trying to get in at least one game a day of League of Legends to learn more about the game, and streaming CS:GO whenever I can. And when I stream it on my Twitch Channel, I’ve noticed the same comments and questions frequently popping up. So, while I watch a rerun of Luminosity v MIBR playing in Montpellier from the comfort of my sofa, I thought I’d answer a few…

“Why are you streaming and not watching EPL right now?”

I’m now trying to find a balance when I have time at home, adding streaming into the mix so I can start playing CS:GO for myself and learn the callouts I’m less familiar with, feel the effects of patch changes and enjoy the feeling of getting better – I have approximately 23-24 hours in the game; I have quite possibly watched around 400 hours this year at eight events spanning five continents – some days I could be watching for up to 14 hours if it ends up being a 16 hour broadcast day, so those hours do add up.

We’re very lucky in CS:GO to have HLTV. I can look at at least any tier 1 or 2 match and see the story of that series in numbers form, plus highlight clips. Essentially, it means I can retell the story for myself if I can’t watch every tournament. It’s a bit like when I’m covering A stream matches as an interviewer, and can’t watch the B stream as closely – I’ll recap those results at the end of the day and add them to my notes.

Also, fantastic podcasts such as Richard Lewis’s By the Numbers and HLTV Confirmed are brilliant for deeper analysis as well as a wider view for what’s going on in the scene. I’m desperately awaiting the return of Globally Offensive, from HenryG, Stunna and Spunj, as it’s a joy to listen to when I’m travelling.

CS:GO isn’t just my occupation – I genuinely do love it, and now I’ve started playing, I can’t stop thinking about my next opportunity to hit the server.

How are you a host in CS if you can’t play the game?

Just because I’m currently playing barely above the level of “horrible”, it doesn’t mean I don’t understand what’s happening when I’m watching CS – the more I cover the scene, the more I’m learning. I also get to work with fantastic analysts who I can ask about things that happen in game that I need breaking down. However, I do understand what I’m watching, and I do a ton of research before each event and have formed working relationships with the teams.

However, I do hope that playing CS:GO more regularly will help me even more when I’m working – I’m not perfect and there are areas in my role that I would like to strengthen. I can lack confidence discussing gameplay, despite knowing what I’m talking about – so I want to be more fearless with the questions I ask, and be more direct.

Why does she look down at the keyboard? She doesn’t play video games!

I’m still learning a few of the key binds. When I first learned to play Overwatch a few years ago, I had a similar issue – I just started playing it off stream so no-one saw the most awkward stuff… Also, as I keep playing, I really don’t do it much anymore – in a few streams, my movement has noticeably improved as those things become more intuitive.

In terms of playing games, I’ve been playing since I was five years old, starting out on Monkey Island II on my dad’s laptop and Sonic the Hedgehog on the SEGA Master System,

What’s wrong with your crosshair?

Nothing. I haven’t felt the need to change it, and just because it offends you, doesn’t mean I have to change it. Same with knives, skins etc…

Why aren’t you [insert unsolicited gameplay advice here]?

I’m not taking tips from Twitch Chat. I spend far too long when I start each CS stream communicating with backseat players. I’m getting better as I keep going; sometimes I’m playing a map for the first time – today I played Inferno for the second time. And it’s REALLY hard. Overpass and Mirage are currently my favourites – I’ve only played Overpass twice and Mirage four, maybe five times; the latter is my most-played map.

Luckily, I’ve watched so much CS that certain aspects of rotating, positioning on the CT sides come naturally – but I don’t know every single callout yet, so I’m trying to learn those, but it can lead to stupid mistakes where I look offscreen at a callouts diagram and get shot in the back – I’m going to download something to add this to my actual radar to solve this issue going forward.

And I didn’t buy kevlar just then because I decided to buy more firepower instead.

Why are you so rude?

When people ignore my requests for them to let me enjoy playing and learn through experience, and keep writing “tips” and critiques in chat, then I will be a lot firmer in how I dismiss their feedback. It quite simply isn’t valuable to me and it’s patronising. It’s my stream, so I set the rules. I have a mature channel warning that displays when you first visit my stream – I swear quite a bit.

I’m 30 years old. I have no fucks left to give.

What rank are you?

I don’t have one. I don’t play ranked. Less than 25 hours in the game, mate…

Why don’t you play ranked? It’s the best way to learn…

I had such a bad experience solo queuing before I started streaming CS, that I’m going to avoid that route for the foreseeable; I play video games because I enjoy them. What I enjoy is playing with viewers and having a laugh when I fail – and I get so excited seeing my teammates and opponents make incredible plays too. At the start of each match, I post a PopFlash link in my Discord and Twitch Chat so that the community can jump on and play – and it means I don’t fill up my Stream friends with people I don’t know personally.

Everyone I’ve played with from the Twitch community has been funny and supportive – and that’s exactly why I’m facing public humiliation by learning the ropes on stream; I’m becoming better because of these fantastic people, and I’m very lucky to have volunteers willing to join me on the server.

Here’s a few clips to show some of that progress… And it gets a bit sweary, sorry kids.

I’ll be streaming CS:GO in the near future on my Twitch Channel – so if you fancy playing, give me a shout in Twitch Chat!