Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has suffered some conspicuous attorney problems in recent weeks since his personal lawyer Michael Cohen’s private residences were searched by the FBI, and Mr. Cohen is now being pressured by the FBI to flip on Mr. Trump.

As a result of Trump’s rampant illicit behavior in both his personal life and his public career, few lawyers are willing to take on Trump as a client because of both his obvious guilt and his utter lack of self-control.

Trump’s turnover of legal representation has at times made consistency in his legal team’s coverup attempts impossible. He is effectively somewhere inside of Lawyer Inception, as Mr. Cohen has even his own lawyer, and that lawyer has a lawyer, and that lawyer has still yet another lawyer. This last lawyer is considering her own lawyer, but has not committed to any representation as of time of publishing.

This lawyer, at the deepest inner sanctum of Trump’s Lawyer Inception, is Sarah Rodgersfeld. Despite the web of legal entanglements of Trump and all of his associates, Ms. Rodgersfeld insists that the collusion scandal is made up, and that her client, and that client’s client, and that client’s client, and his client, and Mr. Cohen and Trump all are totally innocent of wrongdoing.

“There is no evidence anywhere that points to any collusion with foreign governments,” explained Rodgersfeld in a press release this afternoon, “and none of us believe any will turn up. In fact, if you just ignore for a moment Michael Flynn and his scandalous activity behind the National Security Council’s back, and George Papadopoulos and his globetrotting meetups with Russians, and Rick Gates, and Paul Manafort‘s working over of the RNC both before and during the RNC’s nominating convention, and Jeff Sessions meeting with Russians and lying about it, and Jared Kushner’s attempted loans from Qatar and deals with other countries, and Roger Stone’s contacts with that Russian officer posing as Guccifer2.0, and Donald Trump Jr. emailing known Russian agents and meeting with them, and the issued indictments of all the low-level Russian officials involved in the hacking, and the dozens of mysterious sealed indictments Mueller has filed, and the catalogue of evidence of obstruction of justice from everyone I just described, and Trump’s always changing stories about all of this—if you simply ignore all of that, what evidence of collusion is there? Almost none. The President is, simply, not guilty of any improper relations with Russia or Putin. The continuing instances in which the President’s actions on foreign policy all seem to be exactly what Putin would want—like maligning NATO, giving cold shoulders to France and Germany, starting a trade war with Canada and the EU, breaking up militarily with South Korea, looking the other way in Ukraine and Crimea, and so on are purely coincidental. Maybe both Trump and Putin are just smart and agree on everything. Ever think about that? Maybe it has nothing to do with a pee tape, hundreds of millions of dollars in laundered real estate deals, or the hacking of our election. Maybe, uh—wait, what were we talking about again?”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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