NEW YORK—Responding to widespread criticism of its decision to air coverage of Olympic events on a six-hour time delay, NBC issued an apology Tuesday to American viewers, saying it was really, really sorry for failing to alter the governing laws of space and time to accommodate everyone’s precious schedules. "We at NBC would like to sincerely apologize for not doing something so simple as to modify the physical properties of the known universe so that you could go home and watch the women’s 100-meter backstroke live," chief digital officer Vivian Schiller said in response to widespread criticism on social media, adding that the network would "get one of our theoretical physicists right on that for you." "On second thought, we really should have considered manipulating the invariant properties of the space-time continuum while we were still in the planning stages of our coverage, and, boy, it sure was silly of us not to." Schiller noted that if viewers continue to be dissatisfied with the network’s coverage, they can feel free to switch over to an alternate plane of reality wherein temporal events and the subjective experience of said events may be shifted at will.

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