WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news article. Reports have confirmed that, given the hour in the day, it is practically Sunday already, so you can basically consider half the weekend gone, and that between the various errands you have to run, the various things you need to finish up before Tuesday, and the hours you effectively waste doing nothing at all, sources say you’ll only really be enjoying the rest of the weekend in any substantive way for another hour or two tops. In fact, sources are verifying, when you really think about it, you should probably just watch a show on Netflix and get some sleep before heading back to the office because, let’s face it, the weekend is pretty much over at this point, and you know it.

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