I’m on the couch and pretty still this evening. The pain flare today is the worst I’ve had in weeks. That’s a good thing, though – because I’ve had several ok days lately.

But anxiety is definitely starting to get the better of me as my third stimulator will be implanted on Monday.

I recently went to a wedding with my fiancée where I chatted with a friend before leaving early. I was filling her in on what all was going in with my health (something I was actually trying to avoid and not put any focus on me), but she was asking lots of questions.

At a certain point she said something like, “You’ve been through so much! And you just keep pushing forward trying to figure it all out!”

It was one of those moments where your inner self wants to bow to the person who spoke the very true statement. The fact that every once in awhile someone will acknowledge your struggle and remind you how far you’ve come feels like a much needed drop-into-a-chair and sigh while your mind and body whisper: “thank you.”

You know what I mean.

So, I am rolling the dice yet again and willing my body to just accept this and allow the device to do its job. It’s a sort of blind faith. And I’m just telling myself it WILL work.

Because I’d really love to be able to go to Red Rocks for the first time and see Elephant Revival. (check out the songs “Over and Over” and “Grace of a Woman”)

I’d also really love to go canoeing this summer, and a hike if possible.

I’d also really love to walk down the aisle in October without limping or dragging my leg. And to be able to swim in the ocean and see the coral reef and the cenotes on our honeymoon in Mexico.

I’d like to sleep through the night because I didn’t wake up hurting. I’d like to work again, at a good marketing company. I’d like to go to the grocery store and be able to load the car myself. I’d like to be outside gardening more. I’d like to go on adventures with Brian again.

But more than anything, I’d like my life back, please.

So, here’s to not letting pain suffocate me anymore. Wish me luck!