As per tradition, it's time for the annual Screen Burn Awards, which, as is also tradition, I'm having to type through a feverish cloud of cold germs which are sending pure liquid apathy coursing through my veins. Boo hoo for me. Still, let's kick sickness to the curb and concentrate on handing out gong number one: the Award For Hilariously Annoying The Middle Classes, which goes to Delia Smith for her BBC2 series Delia. The show largely consisted of her tipping tinned mince and frozen mash into bubbling cauldrons, ostensibly in an attempt to teach viewers how to "cheat" at cooking, but largely, I suspect, to deliberately put the wind up the army of self-righteous food snobs who've come to dominate the broadsheets over the past decade. Given their horrified reactions - one even claimed to have burned all their Delia books in protest - you'd have been forgiven for thinking she'd been shitting in saucepans. Even funnier is the fact that, what with the collapse of the economic system, the self-same huffers will probably have to spend the whole of 2009 eating out of cans anyway.

Next, the award for Worst Decision-Making In A Reality Show, which goes to Sir Alan Sugar for his apparently random dismissal policy in this year's helping of The Apprentice. He kept Jenny in long past the point where it had become apparent she was a nasty piece of work, sacked Raef and Simon even though they'd done nothing wrong, and picked a well-meaning but patently idiotic whooping Gruffalo as his ultimate victor. Next year they might as well pull a name from his arse at the end of each show. I reckon they could keep the tension going as he fumbles around under the desk.

The Oh Christ, You Again award goes to Sky's revival of Gladiators. During the pre-publicity, they did their level best to make out that the entire audience had been rolling around in agony on its carpets for years, begging for a much-loved show's return. Really? That's like hoping for a present-day resurgence of rickets.

The gong for Glaring Omission Of Background Information goes to Channel 4's religious makeover show Make Me A Christian, which stubbornly failed to mention that their lead "Christian mentor" was an extreme political activist who once campaigned to have the Welsh dragon removed from flags on the grounds that it was "Satanic". Anyone tuning in to discover what Christianity was all about would have been confronted with a warped, unrepresentative cartoon: I'm an atheist, but it actually left me feeling incredibly sorry for yer average Church of England follower. Who knows? Maybe that was the point.

Silliest Drama is a split decision. Rock Rivals is out because nobody saw it, which leaves in the red corner: Britannia High, ITVs sugary reworking of High School Musical. And, in the blue corner: the BBC's Bonekickers, which desperately attempted to make the world of archeology - yes, archeology - interesting and exciting by crossing it with storylines so preposterous they'd be laughed out of the room as too far-fetched at a SpongeBob SquarePants writers' conference.

Biggest Bellend is another double-header award. One half of the trophy goes to Robert Kilroy-Silk for his pompous barracking of Timmy Mallett during I'm A Celebrity, who'd had the temerity to laugh when Kilroy, as part of a trial, was pedalling an exercise bike hooked up to a maggot-and-shit flinging machine hurling all manner of grossness into his face. The other half goes to Rex from Big Brother, on account of his bizarre hairstyle, which made him look like a croissant. And his half of the award is sawn in half again, with the remaining quarter going to Dennis, the pug-nosed horror who spat in a fellow housemate's face.

The WTF? prize goes BBC1's Hole In The Wall, the least dignified, most unashamedly imbecilic gameshow in living memory. Apparently conceived by a three-year-old, it consisted of K-list celebrities in spandex contorting themselves into puzzle shapes in order to avoid being dunked in a pool of water. They failed 95% of the time, but the show carried on and on regardless, like a Super Mario cutscene stuck in a loop.

The Most Stomach-Churning Wholesale Disregard For Basic Human Dignity was flaunted by the DFS commercials, in which blameless out-of-work actors were forced to mime along to Nickelback's Rockstar - the musical equivalent of the last hot drips of salty diarrhoea to drip from your arse during a particularly violent bout of food poisoning. I've seen news footage of atrocities that managed to be less upsetting. Years from now, the participants will still be in therapy.

Funniest Moment Of The Year was the sight of Derek Ogilvie, Channel 5's truly horrid "Baby Mind Reader", bursting into self-pitying tears during The Million Dollar Psychic, when his powers were tested by scientists and found to be non-existent. This was quickly followed by the Most Depressing Moment Of The Year when the programme makers saw fit to round off the show by introducing him to a Dr Gerald Gluck, who stuck some EEG widgets on his head and concluded that his brain was doing something funny, which Derek naturally took as a confirmation of his abilities. Dr Gluck, incidentally, lists "energy healing" as one of his services, which makes him about as plausible a scientist as the average glove puppet.