There are many reasons to defend the legacy of Comrade Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, also known as Joseph Stalin, Koba, Joey Steel, and more intimately, as Sam Steel. There are those who might emphasise his status as the last principled leader of the Soviet Union and the Bolshevik Communist Party which led the process of its construction. There are those who would defend his successful leadership during the darkest days of the anti-fascist struggle, ultimately emerging as the head of the anti-fascist front that would liberate the east of Germany from Hitlerite fascism and beating back the imperialist camp to the greatest extent since the October Revolution, a high water mark in the internationalisation of class struggle which was tragically never to be reached again thanks to the rise of modern revisionism and the Sino-Soviet split.

But on the occasion of his birthday, we want to emphasise a different side of Joey Steel. We want to emphasise that before becoming the face of the heights of organised struggle against capitalism-imperialism and all the ensuing controversies of the great struggle to reshape human society beyond capitalism, beyond profits, beyond exploitation… before there was even a Soviet Union… even before he was organising militias to separate out intercommunal violence in Baku and robbing banks… before he was Koba, he was an ordinary person like any of us. He was a member of an oppressed nationality under the Tsarist empire (the Georgians), he was impoverished, he suffered from abuse from his alcoholic father, and he contracted smallpox. From such humble beginnings, any single one of us can become a figure of greatness like Joseph Stalin.

But there is one thing about the personage of the young Stalin which makes him drastically different to most readers: he was fit as fuck, and could absolutely get it, any time, any place, no questions asked.

Look at that gorgeous example of Georgian manhood. Mm-mm, comrades. Mm-mm. Before he became a typical Caucasian uncle (which, if that’s your type, no judgement), Joey Steel looked like he could really lay down some steel, if you know what I’m saying.

Marxism-Leninism.

We like to imagine sexy young Stalin was always hooking up with the other lads in his seminary, and was known as much for his beautiful singing voice as being pleasantly girthy. Not too girthy, you understand. Not enough to the point where it looks weird. Just girthy enough that you can tell just by looking that it’s got some heft.

Whew. Going to need a minute here. You all listen to this song from the “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference while I uh… take care of some stuff:

So uh… yes. Happy birthday to Joseph Stalin, and to all the sexy enemies of Trotskyism, opportunism and modern revisionism, the world over.

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