BREAKING: Harvey Weinstein, 67, Dead to World

NEW YORK — Infamous film producer and convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein, 67, was declared dead to the world and society at large early this morning, sources confirm.

Born in Flushing, New York, to diamond cutter Max Weinstein and his wife Miriam, Harvey Weinstein would eventually become one of the most influential and terrible men in Hollywood before his sudden death in the public consciousness around the globe. He began his career partnering with his brother Bob to promote concerts in the New York City area, gaining hands-on experience about the entertainment industry and establishing the reprehensible private behaviors that would eventually lead to his downfall. Using the profits from that promotion business alongside his brother, Harvey co-founded Miramax, the film distribution company responsible for countless critically acclaimed films whose reputations are now all sullied for having been associated with him.

After years of success in the film industry, the health of Weinstein public image began to decline in 2017 when it was revealed against his wishes that he had secretly been living with a diagnosis of being a manipulative, degenerate sex offender for many years. After Weinstein’s terminal diagnosis of being an unforgivable sex criminal was corroborated by over 80 experts in the matter, millions of people online began to express an outpouring of support for anyone who ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with him. Weinstein largely stayed out of the public eye following the news, but had recently been seen outside of his highly publicized trial using a walker, eliciting the opposite of sympathy from people around the world.

When hearing the news, the response from members of the public was consistent.

“It all happened so fast…I guess I just wish it had happened even faster,” said one woman who was participating in a large candlelight vigil against Weinstein. “Sometimes the universe gives a cruel fate to people who don’t deserve it. This is clearly not one of those times.”

Memories of Weinstein will be buried in an undisclosed location. He is survived by his brother, Bob, who has denounced him, his ex-wife, Georgina Chapman, who quickly divorced him, his two children who should probably change their last names, and the numerous franchises and films forever tainted by his involvement.

Harvey Weinstein himself, unfortunately, is very much alive.

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