ALEXANDRIA, VA—Admitting that it would be a nice change of pace to have some attention every now and then, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told reporters Friday that he sometimes wished he could be accosted by protesters as he ate his usual meal alone at his local Applebee’s. “I’m not asking for a crowd, but I wouldn’t mind a few people stopping by to yell at me or hurl some sort of accusations just so I wouldn’t have to eat by myself,” said Senator Graham, who also remarked on how “lucky” Texas senator Ted Cruz had been to be chased from a restaurant over his support of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “I mean, I eat at least four meals a week in this Applebee’s, and I’m a staunch Kavanaugh supporter who has said a lot of frankly terrible things to discredit his accusers, so why don’t the regulars here try and drive me away? Hell, they don’t even have to ruin my whole meal. Just a quick ‘fuck you’ as they walked by would make me feel like I was noticed.” Senator Graham later became defensive when a stranger walked toward him while saying, “Hey, you,” but almost immediately realized the man had been addressing someone behind him.

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