I think we menfolk really need to get back to basics and understand our roles and responsibilities in life. As an exasperated teacher told me for the umpteenth time, “it’s not what you can do, it’s about what you SHOULDN’T do”. He was referring to the questions in the Common Aptitude Test but I think the statement applies to most things men think they have a right to do.

I’d cut short the rest of the post and ask you to read this by @localteaparty but this, this and this indicate that it would be like asking a toddler to understand the Principia Mathematica.

So, back to basics.

OOOG! URRG!

HELLO HAIRY, DEEP-VOICED HOMOSAPIENS!

I’ll cut to the chase because I see many of you are playing with it, fondling it, scratching it or in general stages of platonic contact with it.

Yes! That is a penis! Not pen-is as in “pen-is mightier than the sword” but peen-is.

It is useless.

For starters, it’s ugly, impractical to lug around, needs proper support and reinforcements, a kick in its immediate environment completely immobilizes its owner and converts him into a blithering retard who sees endless stars.

“But…but…IT HELPS US THINK!”

Yes, exactly. That is the biggest problem.

Penile thought has only two possible states –

1. I don’t give a fuck

2. I’d like to fuck

The second state is prevalent 99.4% of the times when you are in the proximity of a woman (the remaining 0.6% covers mothers and sisters. Inapplicable in Alabama). See, there’s nothing wrong with that, because we were built that way. But the trick isn’t in knowing when to fuck, but when NOT to fuck. I mean, we OWE it to our pre-eminent position in the animal kingdom. I was watching a National Geographic documentary yesterday about Cheetahs (they run very fast, yes, but let me finish. stop interrupting) and they went on and on about when the female is in heat. Now the average human male will expect the female to be mauled by heat-seeking male cheetah missiles but that didn’t happen. They did come over, rather cautiously, and prodded and poked the ground near the female who was emitting nervous shrieks. The most wondrous thing was – THE MALE CHEETAHS MOVED AWAY TO GIVE THE FEMALE SOME SPACE. WHOA!

Sexytime eventually happened but the point is, EVEN ANIMALS RESPECT BOUNDARIES!

(WHOA!)

So, in the spirit of regaining our reputation within the animal kingdom, here’s a simple, easy to understand flowchart regarding our perennial urge to fuck.