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FACEBOOK’S Mark Zuckerberg was in Dublin today to carry on the long tradition of big business leaders dropping in to pay lip service to Ireland and talk about how amazing the Irish workforce is, and how they’re not just here because they can pay whatever tax they like.

However, if the Zuck thought he was going to have an easy time of it after rejecting an Oireachtas invite to answer questions in committee on the myriad Facebook scandals, he had another thing coming as exemplified by these leaked questions TDs asked Zuckerberg in a private audience at Facebook HQ.

“Thank you for joining us, Mr. Zuckerberg. I note that while you agreed to meet and talk with us, regulating the online sphere in any way, shape or form, is a highly complex thing, legislatively speaking, so I was wondering, there’s a young one in Leinster House on reception, and her Facebook is set to private. Can’t even see the Ibiza 2016 holiday album at all… could you help me out? It’s gotta be wall to wall bikini pics, right?”

“Can you make it so the wife can’t see that I’ve seen her messages? Look, there she’s at it again. I have to answer her back now, there must be a way to fix that, surely”.

“Here, you lot have a history of data breaches, d’ya want free access to Irish people’s PPS numbers, Passports and retina scans? Gwan, ya will”.

“They say you’re in Europe to talk some empty shite about ‘doing more’ about harmful content and electoral interference and that once you’re gone you’re just going to go back to being a massively dodgy tech monopoly. Actually, sorry, that wasn’t a question, just a statement of fact”.

“Now when they say ‘broadband’, how broad? We talkin’ like, M50 wide, or what?”

“So I updated it, and synced to the iCloud, when I plug it in to charge on the laptop, I can’t add any songs from iTunes. What’s the crack with that?”

“I delete my browser history after getting on Pornhub, but then when I go back it asks me to agree to cookies and all that shite again and again, I fucking hate GDPR as much as you, Mark. Anyway, will ya take this hurley and sliotar and pose in a selfie with me there like a good lad, cheers”.