The Battle for Jackie's Affection

UNINFORMED SMACK ::

In the SEC, two teams got our sloppy seconds in the coaching department: Alabama and Mississippi State. The difference between the Bear and Sherrill is that Sherrill made his name at A&M and Bear did the Junction thing and went on to win championships at Alabama. Now, I guarantee you that Alabama fans won't make the upcoming game with A&M a huge to-do with Bear Bryant because, clearly, he belongs to Alabama. Not Mississippi State, though. Oh no. They want to remind us that the coach we used to have beat us in a bowl game 11 years ago...AND IT SNOWED AT THE GAME! There's even a cute hashtag adorning their end zone that reads #snowbowl12. A quick gander at the Starkville, MS 5 day forecast will tell you that there will be less than no snow at this game, so I'd consider that a misnomer of the highest order. It's also a conference game. Whatever it takes to hype a division game between two ranked foes in the SEC, right? I mean, we're not the Big XII here in the SEC. This conference lacks depth.

Uninformed Smack #snowbowl12

The Mississippi State Bulldogs will come out in their commemorative #snowbowl12 uniforms on Saturday, but I'll let JP03 tackle that. The gist of the idea is that they're all white from head to toe. The problem here is, they already have trouble running out of the fog in their team entrance. In that photo, every player is in their bastardized maroon. I don't know if you could get more contrast to the white smoke. Imagine the problems when you CAN'T DISTINGUISH HUMANS FROM FOG?!?! That's 10 easy pregame injuries right there and we haven't even kicked off yet. Your move, Miss State. Your move.

But we haven't even begun to think about the implications of beings not of this world on our trite little football game yet, have we? I love this. Who doesn't love aliens, man? The History Channel's programming lineup attests to the fact that we shouldn't be concerned with matters of proven history, but answering questions with vague statements that prove alien life has affected our lives here on earth. So here are a few. If it were true that A&M couldn't compete in the SEC but now is competing quite well, don't we have to ask Kevin Sumlin for his intergalactic birth certificate? If he can't produce one, he's obviously an alien. Johnny Manziel is 6' on a good day, yet outclasses athletes who were ranked higher on recruiting sites on a weekly basis. Why hasn't he addressed the fact that aliens may have altered his genetic code in the offseason? Just asking questions here.

And now an argument for or against cheerleaders, depending on your stance. Young Taylor seems to have beaten the odds here by overcoming living in the fattest state in America and posing for Playboy. I smell an uplifting story of triumph here, Hollywood. Maybe this could be the subplot to "Air Bud XXVII: Dramatic Paws." HOW CAN THE DOG CATCH A FOOTBALL? HOW?!?! Well, some lucky Retail Floristry major from Miss State can likely win this girl over with his Senior Thesis. "I put these in a vase for you. It took me all of Monday early afternoon."

UNSUBSTANTIATED GAME PREDICTION

Jackie Sherrill tosses the coin, which is double heads and Sumlin knows it. Sherrill tears off his suit revealing that he is wearing an A&M "greenman" onesie and proceeds to pelvic thrust at the Miss State student section from the 50 yard-line. After a 30 minute delay to cart off all 20 Bulldogs injured from running through INVISI-FOG, the game starts off a little slow. JFF only amasses 200 yards by halftime and Kingsbury is visibly upset by the mere 21 point lead the Aggies have accumulated by halftime. To further illustrate this point, Kingsbury comes out at halftime in an even blacker coach's shirt than in the first half that reads "Hi TexAgs!" on the back.

Not a fan of false advertising, Sumlin calls God and demands snow. The impending blizzard stalls the Miss State offense, but seems to empower Johnny Football who inexplicably has a snow board. He becomes the first football player to score 3 touchdowns and pull off the very difficult 960 ollie-twist-kick while reaching for the pylon. ESPN says "Meh." Kevin Sumlin makes a snowman, but places the carrot and lumps of coal in the lower hemisphere of his creation.

Ags 42 Miss State 28