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Earlier this week, Ridelust posted this absurd article about how to deal with cops if you get pulled over. The article talks about your rights, the fifth amendment, what a cop is and is not allowed to do, and it has a handy little video and everything. It was pathetic. My problem with Ridelust's guide is that it's so academic and by-the-book that it feels detached. Ridelust comes from a place of theory, I come from a place of experience. To date, I have been pulled over 9 times while driving, twice while walking, and once while sitting in a park.* So, while Ridelust's guide might work on a Theoretical Level of how the worldshould be, my guide works on a Real Level of how the world is. Below is the true guide to dealing with cops as well as a neat little section dedicated to debunking several famous cop myths. Enjoy, my lawless readers!

Getting Pulled Over

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How to Talk to a Cop

When you see the familiar lights of a police car flashing in your rear view mirror, your immediate instinct is going to be speed up and try to lose him. Resist this urge. (Unless, of course, you're pretty sure you can beat him.) Instead, pull over to the side of the road slowly. Traditionally, cops like to make you wait when they pull you over. According to a recent scientific study, it's because they're assholes. While they're sitting in their car, making you wait, take the time to inspect the inside of your car. Is your seat belt on tight? Tighten it up! Is your radio on? Turn the volume down and switch it to a soothing, non-incriminating station. Do you have any provocative photographs of the police officer's wife proudly displayed on your dashboard? Discreetly place them in your glove compartment, or down the front of your pants. Once all of these "Trouble Spots" are taken care of, you're ready to face the officer.

Choose your words carefully. How you speak to a cop is extremely important. You don't want to sound aggressive, or angry, because anything that a cop interprets as "hostile" can be grounds for any number of charges he can add on. Cops