The quickest way to doom a child to mediocrity is by giving them a basic-ass name. I mean look at you: your name is boring and now you’re here reading blogs about baby names.

Here is a stunning variety of gender-neutral baby names that are all much cooler than the name you’ll actually decide to go with.

Unique Baby Names for 2020

Bowie

Rascal

Torque

Callix

Captain America

But like in the ironic sense of America.

Stormundo

Curio

Zaffre

Zomp

Zaffre and Zomp highly encouraged in cases of twins.

Illill

Pronounced “EE-LEE”.

Osofasagoso

Pronounced just like it’s spelled.

Janice

But not pronounced the way you’re thinking.

Abstract Concepts as Baby Names

Start your child’s life by burdening them with an ideal that they do not understand and will not ever achieve.

Justice

Confidence

Victory

Awe

Clean

Nice

Fallible

Fragile

Finitude

And you can call it Fin for short. Cute!

Fonts as Baby Names

Because nothing says “I care about language” like having strong opinions on serifs and the lack thereof.

Calibri

Helvetica

Lucida

Garamond

Unless that’s too masculine.

Krungthep

Noto

Monotype

Lorem

Not technically a font, but I know you font freaks will get it.

Wingding

Rich People Vacation Destinations as Baby Names

Name your child after where you want people to presume they were conceived.

Exuma

Maldive

Cabo

Telluride

The Hamptons

And really be insistent that people use the “The.” If anyone calls them Hampton, scream at them.

Scents at Sephora as Names for a Baby

When you don’t want to give your child a name so much as an essence.

Fig

Lychee

Polo

Sauvage

Flowerbomb

Eau

Types of Wood as Names for a Baby

Yes, I am aware “Olive” and “Ash” are two types of wood that could be used as baby names. I’m also aware that it’s not 2017 anymore, Becky.

Teak

Bur

Tamarack

Rimu

Sugi

Cocobolo

SEO-Optimized Title of a Section about Baby Names

Cobalt

Lathe

Akaname

Neon

Porter

Fetch

Saltburn

Steve

But in a gender-neutral way