“Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating?” the advertisement reads. “Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan? Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®!”

STOP Masturbation Now is a Christian organization dedicated to “educating the world about the dangers of self-rape.”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” the organization’s website reads. “It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.”

To help promote its anti-masturbatory agenda, STOP Masturbation Now has begun marketing the Anti-Masturbation Cross for the low, low price of $199.00, available for purchase on its website…

Okay, okay. So the whole thing is an elaborate joke designed to poke fun at all the conservative wingnuts out there, but there are plenty of flyers, posters, and other signage out there that are actually serious.

Check out these totally serious (and totally ridiculous) antigay propaganda distributed by “Christian” hate groups.

The Traditional Values Coalition began circulating these “ironic” Wanted posters featuring the face of Jesus Christ in response to society’s growing acceptance of gay people. The martyr, the organization claimed, was being unfairly targeted by gay advocates for promoting the teachings in the Bible and “telling the truth about homosexuality.”

This totally not sexist postcard against candidate Rose Ferlita emerged in 2011 when she was running for mayor of Tampa. It attacked Ferlita for being an unmarried woman with a difficult “temperment” (we think they meant temperament) who was running against a family man with children, and claiming she had a “suspect commitment to family values,” therefore implying she was immoral, meaning gay.

The Church on Strayer in Ohio displayed this billboard, along with nine others, around to Toledo area back in 2011. Proving that not all churches and religious organizations are homophobic hate mongers, the Central United Methodist, a neighboring congregation, posted their own pro-gay billboards in response.

Unhappy with the possibility of states legalizing same-sex marriage, Maggie Gallagher and the concerned folks at NOM sent out this mailer featuring a young child intently reading the gay-themed picture book King and King and warning parents that marriage equality would “forever change the innocence” of their children.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. NOM also sent out these postcards that feature a tearful baby doll upset about same-sex marriage happening in Maryland. The postcard pleads with recipients to contact their State Senator about remedying a problem so terrible it has the power to make inanimate objects cry.

American Method, a conservative retailer that specializes in t-shirts and window decals, is currently peddling these pro-Chick-fil-A bumper stickers on its website for $3.99. Other stickers for sale include one featuring the silhouette of a naked woman against a confederate flag, and another that reads “Jesus Saves, Obama Spends.”

This might be our favorite one yet. Protect Marriage Oregon, a “a broad coalition of Oregonians dedicated to preserving marriage as a union between one man and one woman ,” posted this infographic about why heterosexual marriage “works better” to its Facebook page last year in the weeks leading up to the Supreme Court’s ruling on DOMA. The infographic uses good old-fashioned nuts and bolts to illustrate how heterosexual sex works, calling it “the better way.” Sadly, it didn’t help convince SCOTUS to uphold DOMA, but we gotta give the hate group points for their creativity.

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