EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead guy, right? If it’s not him, it must be a really close friend or a life partner, but I’ve scanned the room three times now looking for that guy and he ain’t here,” said Abboud. “Thing is, it’s a closed-casket deal, so it’s impossible to say for sure. Plus, the coffin is covered with all of these flowers now, so there’s no way for me to just, like, crack it open a bit and sneak a peek.” Abboud also voiced his suspicions that a woman at a podium eulogizing her “beloved father” was almost certainly some blood relative of the deceased.

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