(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here is San Jose Sharks blogger Megalodon of Battle of California, fondly recalling the 2012-13 Vancouver Canucks . Again, this was not written by us ... OK, by all of us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By Megalodon of Battle of California

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come,

And laugh at the Canucks because they suck."

-W.H. Auden

What? It's time ALREADY? Oh, gosh. Give me a moment to finish up my notes here....

Sorry folks, this all came as a bit of a surprise to me. Not the fact that the Canucks lost, of course—anyone with half a brain could see that was coming—but a first-round SWEEP?

My goodness.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, and esteemed Puck Daddy commenters: We are gathered here today to bid farewell to the Vancouver Canucks, a team as ineffectual, fat, and dead as the explorer namesake of their city. The Canucks may be out of the playoffs once again, but they should be proud of their performance.

No, wait, sorry, I read that wrong—I should have said "they should NOT be proud of their performance." My mistake.

Embarrassing. Sloppy. Undisciplined. Weak. There are thousands of words I could use to describe the post-season play of the Canucks this year, but there is one word I refuse to choose: "choker."

The Canucks did not choke this year. "Choking" implies performing below expectations in a pressure situation. So they didn't choke at all—because they suck.

A first-round sweep out of the playoffs is exactly what everyone should have expected for a team that was by many measurements the worst team in the Western Conference playoffs:

The time of the Vancouver Canucks, such as it was, is over.

I wrote about it before the series with the Sharks started, and the actual games only underscored the truth: The Sedins are aging and fading fast, and that will be the end of this team for a generation. Shenanigans allowed the Canucks to draft TWIN BROTHERS that would be two of the best players in the league for years and years, but nothing came of that once-in-a-franchise stroke of fortune.

Opportunity missed. Window closed. It's over. The Canucks are over.

The situation is bad for the Canucks right now, and it's not going to get any better for a long, long time. Next season they join a division that will be much stronger than the one they have dominated for a decade. Henrik Sedin will only be the 6th-best center in the new Pacific Division, and his point totals will continue to plummet as he plays against better defenses and goalies.

Vancouver's core players—all on the wrong side of 30—will continue to decline and struggle against tougher competition.

The Canucks will be a low seed if they make the playoffs at all, and they'll be bounced in the first round again and again until they give up, implode, and rebuild.

Story continues