How could anyone be unhappy with Facebook in any way? Or with cryptocurrencies: Bitcoin has been so great, we need more of them.

My first idea was to do with Libra what the Winklevoss twins did with other cryptocurrencies: Speculate! You might remember that the Winklevii, as they are sometimes called, were in on the founding of Facebook but got pushed out before the big money rushed in. They got a hefty settlement and put some of it into cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin. Unlike so many starry-eyed investors, they struck it superrich.

I wrote to them asking if they’d like to try again. Facebook made them rich in cryptocurrency, so why not become even richer through Facebook’s own cryptocurrency? As the Double Mint Twins used to say, more or less: Double your pleasure, double your funds.

But they haven’t written back yet. Whatever happened to manners?

Thinking big didn’t get me where I wanted to be, so I decided to go even brillianter, combining what I know about Facebook with what I know about cryptocurrency. Bingo! This new system could help me run for president.

After all, what’s one more member in this clown car of a primary season, especially one like me, a man shorter even than James Madison, a candidate who could make Marianne Williamson seem insightful and self aware?

Here’s my plan:

1) Get Cambridge Analytica or a company just like it to target people for political disinformation and build up my candidacy. It’s happened before, using Facebook data.

2) Harness cryptocurrency to buy votes. Candidates are always soliciting money on Facebook. Let’s reverse the process. We’ll send you cryptocurrency if you’ll vote for me!