I am a 26-year-old female with a healthy sexual appetite. I began watching pornography when I was 12 and increasingly got into more intense types, such as rape fantasies. In my previous long-term relationship, I became uninterested sexually in my partner after about two years. Now I need a new partner each time I have sex. I started seeing a guy recently and on the first and second dates, I was very turned on, but by the third, not at all. Do I watch too much pornography?

I doubt that pornography is the problem. Rape fantasies are quite common, so you can relax about that one. And since you maintained sexual interest with one particular partner for about two years you should not assume that this will be impossible in the future. It is most likely that casual sex is simply not exciting or fulfilling for you after the immediate novelty wears off. Like many women, you probably need to be more deeply connected to a partner in nonsexual ways in order to feel safe and thus allow lasting sexual desire to develop. Try to let your broader feelings about a potential partner – rather than immediate attraction – guide your decision to act on sexual desire for someone new. You most probably need a high level of love, trust and intimacy in order to experience truly exciting, fulfilling and sustaining lovemaking … and that’s no bad thing.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).