A recently released report from the Pew Research Center, a nonpartisan American think tank based in Washington D.C., substantiated nationwide concerns that everyone is objectively better at life than you.

The report was commissioned by the Chronicle of Higher Education to investigate all fourth year students in national, private, and state universities in the continental United States. Methodologies included polls, randomly selected questionnaires, in-depth interviews, personal inventories, financial audits, and Facebook stalking.

After nearly eight years of data gathering, lead researchers were able to state unequivocally what we all already knew, “literally everyone has their shit more together than you do right now.”

Though data is still forthcoming, representatives of the Pew Center felt comfortable announcing to the world at large that, “basically everyone you know already has a job and is, like, done with their thesis.”

Initial reports indicate that all of your friends (and especially your enemies) have a full-time job lined up that earns six figures, have a Fulbright/Rhodes, and are willing partners in an empowering and trusting relationship that will end in marriage in 2.5-3 years.

Sources further report that you will be invited to aforementioned weddings out of pity because the hosts know you probably won’t have eaten in a few days due to your pervasive homelessness. In addition, while everyone else you know has figured out how to get rid of their acne, you already have a pimple on the way and a growing rash on your lower back. You will not be in any of the wedding photos.

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The study also found that your friends not only have their shit together, but enjoy discussing their future plans as well. In interviews, even your peers who shared the Buzzfeed article “6 Things NEVER to Ask Graduating Seniors” responded positively to questions about post-graduate plans. In a post-research focus group, most agreed that they only claimed to be worried about the future to motivate you because you are “utterly fucked.”

In perhaps the most contentious – yet data-driven – aspect of the study, key analysts have reported that “you probably won’t get a good job out of college which means that you won’t be able to afford your rent, much less dating, which means that you will probably have to work in fast food which means you’ll eat all your meals there which means you’ll become morbidly obese which means that no one will ever love you which means that you will die sad, cold, and alone.” Further, Pew reports indicate, “100% of your peers have already found a hairstyle that works for their face shape.”

The discussion of the study’s results offered numerous links to help you get back on your feet and compete with your peers. With websites ranging from FuckIDidntDoAnInternshipLastSemester.com to HowToSleepYourWayToTheTop.edu, there is no shortage of educational material to get your life back on track.

“Take these tips with a grain of salt however,” the authors warned. “Even if you take a rigorous course load from MakeMeALeader.cmc.biz,” they admitted, “It’s quite probable everyone will still outperform you in every imaginable way. Including your coworkers at McDonalds, who don’t have crippling student debt.”

– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Jacksón Smith CMC ’15, Anya Deering PZ ’17, Frank Lyles PO ’17

* Graph by Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15

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