The following is an all-too-common account of a very First World problem.

I reiterate First World because, as most people who have travelled would know, Australia is lagging behind when it comes to the speed, price and reliability of internet services.

By reading this ridiculous saga, I hope you can have a laugh at my expense — although for some it may be too close to home.

2016: Home internet connected

My ADSL broadband generally averaged just 2.5 megabits per second (Mbps) despite my unit being in an inner-city suburb where it had been advertised at up to 24Mbps.

The Telstra technician who finally arrived determined that ageing infrastructure was to blame because I lived 2.3 kilometres from the exchange.

Work time wasted (waiting for technicians): 2 half-days

Time spent on phone: 1 hour

Things would soon get much worse thanks to a hungry rat not unlike this one. ( Facebook: Berufstierrettung Rhein Neckar )

NBN 'available'

When a letter arrived stating the NBN was available at my address, I rang my provider, Internode, to have it connected.

But even before the technicians arrived my ADSL connection cut out.

The two NBN contractors who arrived the following Monday didn't know anything about the ADSL and needed help to find Telstra's main distribution frame (MDF).

They then informed me that the NBN was not available and significant works were needed to lay cables through the roofs of adjacent units.

They left without doing any work and it took another five days to have my ADSL reconnected.

Days without internet: 8

Work time wasted: half a day

Time spent on phone: 2 hours

The NBN would eventually attend the block four times. (File photo) ( Supplied: NBN Co )

2017: NBN contractors return

A year later, I noticed two NBN technicians on the block who were again walking about looking confused and searching for the MDF.

I showed them where it was, explained what apparently needed to be done, and asked if they had notes on their system from the last time NBN came out to our address.

They nodded and agreed and understood and disappeared again without doing any work.

2018: ADSL shutdowns

In April 2018, the ADSL shut down for a second time and, after running in circles for a week to have my modem tested by Internode, a Telstra technician was booked.

There was nothing wrong with it.

When my ADSL was reconnected, the technician sheepishly explained to me that "somebody else was given your phone line".

Telstra technicians have been regular visitors to my block. (File photo) ( Supplied: Telstra )

Three months later it went down for a third time.

After two attempts to ring Internode and being left on hold for 15 minutes each time, I wrote an email demanding my service be reinstated along with reimbursement for constant outages.

An Internode technician called me and, after running a series of quick checks, agreed to order a Telstra technician immediately.

The ADSL was reconnected three days later.

Days without internet: 14

Time spent on phone: 2.5 hours

Time spent visiting Internode: 1.5 hours

2019: February rat attack

While updating a mobile phone contract with Telstra, the representative informed me that NBN was available at my address.

I laughed and said they had already been out twice only to conclude it wasn't available.

He was adamant it was, so I rang Internode and asked them if it was true — is the NBN really now available at my address?

The representative said yes, so I warily agreed to book for a technician to come out in a fortnight's time and connect it.

My ADSL cut out for the fourth time a week later.

Internode ordered a Telstra technician who arrived days later and informed me the line had been cut about 300 metres up the road, possibly "chewed through by a rat".

Days without internet: 6

Time spent on phone: 30 minutes

A pit filled with telco cables along my street where rats apparently feed. ( ABC Radio Adelaide: Malcolm Sutton )

NBN contractors return ... again

Halfway through February an NBN contractor turned up as planned to connect me.

He walked around, looked confused for a few moments, then asked: "Where's your NBN utility box, and where's the MDF?"

I asked if they ever write stuff down or do they just nod and agree and walk away without doing any work?

The contractor listened, told me he was going to organise a date right now to do the work, asked me to wait for a minute, made a phone call, sat in his car for a moment, then disappeared without doing any work.

An Internode spokesperson said NBN rollout volumes had been "extremely large" during the first half of 2019, which had put pressure on NBN Co installation times and processes. "Your NBN connection was delayed due to NBN Co advising us that your install was complex, requiring access to other units' roof spaces or a private tech completing cabling work."

Work time wasted: half a day

The rat returns

A day after the NBN contractor visited, my newly reinstated ADSL cut out for a fifth time.

A Telstra technician arrived four days later, reconnected the line and explained that it had been cut again 300 metres up the road, possibly by the same rat.

Rat bait was laid inside the access pit. ( ABC Radio Adelaide: Malcolm Sutton )

He was about to leave when I said: "Hang on, are you going to do anything about this supposed rat?"

He looked confused.

I told him to wait and I drove down the street to buy some rat bait, returned, and had him put it in the Telstra pit 300 metres up the road from my house.

"Around the same time [as the NBN rollout], your ADSL connection was impacted by pest damage to cabling, which is a very unusual circumstance and something we rely on Telstra wholesale to rectify as they operate and maintain this cable," the Internode spokesperson said. "It is very unfortunate that you experienced these ADSL service faults during your NBN install window, but the ADSL and NBN issues are entirely unrelated."

Days without internet: 4

Work time wasted: half a day

Time spent on phone: 40 minutes

Into the medic tent

A day after the rat bait was laid I received a call from the Royal Adelaide Hospital informing me that surgery I had been on a waiting list to receive for nearly a year could happen later that week due to a cancellation.

My recovery time was expected to last up to two weeks, at which point I joked to my boss at work, "at least the internet's been reconnected as I'll be watching a lot of Netflix".

But the night before my operation, my ADSL cut out again — the third time in as many weeks.

Before catching a bus to hospital the next morning, I rang Internode and demanded a supplementary service while they sorted it out, or "blew up whatever rat was allegedly eating my line".

The representative blamed Telstra's ageing infrastructure, at which point I erupted and reminded him I was their customer, not Telstra's.

He "spoke with his manager" and agreed to give me $50 to buy a dongle from another provider for prepaid wi-fi.

Trying to connect to streaming services has been a major ordeal. ( ABC Radio Adelaide: Malcolm Sutton )

Pre-paid rip off

Fifty bucks doesn't go far for prepaid data in Australia. The cheapest dongle at the time was $25 and the best start-up deal was $60 for 35 gigabytes through Optus.

Even spending $55 for extra data on my Telstra phone would only provide me with a measly 8GB.

I chose Optus, but there were problems there as well. The prepaid SIM card they provided was faulty and generally useless.

I would eventually have to take it back to the store for a replacement and had to argue with staff because the account had been made in my mother's name.

Time wasted dealing with faulty SIM card: 4 hours

Time spent visiting Optus for replacement: 45 minutes

Post-operative madness

Five days after my operation the ADSL was still down and a promised technician had not been scheduled.

When I called Internode they wanted to talk about the NBN, claiming it was available and contractors were coming to connect it in a fortnight's time.

I reminded them that NBN contractors hadn't been able to connect it during three previous visits.

"I want to know when the ADSL is getting fixed and don't call me again until you know."

The NBN utility box was installed with minimal impact on exterior walls. ( ABC Radio Adelaide: Malcolm Sutton )

With no response, I rang Internode the following day to ask again about my missing ADSL.

After 15 minutes on hold, the representative wanted to talk about the NBN again.

I bit my tongue (hard) and asked the same question about my ADSL, a service that had apparently been brought down by a hungry rat, a gremlin, or perhaps even an angry competitor with a sick sense of humour.

He put me on hold for another 15 minutes, then came back to say, "Actually, your ADSL has been switched off because you're getting the NBN."

I exploded and demanded to speak to his manager.

Once the codes are cut ...

The manager patiently endured my raving and ranting, calmly interjecting with the occasional defence that they were at the mercy of Telstra and NBN Co.

He claimed the ADSL could not be turned back on because "once the codes are cut for the NBN, there is nothing we can do. It cannot be reinstated".

"What happened to the rat?" I asked.

He argued it was not their fault, that it was the infrastructure they were provided with, and I "would be reimbursed".

But what I wanted was internet.

I read a lot of books and passed my time in constructive ways, but anyone recovering from surgery like mine would know there's plenty of times when you just want to vegetate and look at a box.

I explained to him that I did not want to make my condition worse by having to endure the hell that is Australian free-to-air television.

I got another $50 out of him, which would now only get me 15GB through my Optus prepaid SIM card.

Time wasted on phone: 2 hours

The Eagle has landed

The NBN contractor that was scheduled to visit my property came two weeks after my surgery.

This time, he knew what needed to be done, and did the job well.

The utility box was installed, along with the connection box inside.

Days without internet: 15

Time spent on phone: 3 hours

The NBN service has been stable and without incident so far. ( ABC Radio Adelaide: Malcolm Sutton )

So far, so good

Three weeks after being connected, my NBN service is stable, albeit with a few hiccups regarding the internet phone that was supposed to accompany it.

Internode did contact me to work out why the phone wasn't working but for a while I was reluctant to respond and meddle further.

Any tinkering or tweaking of the service and I feared it would be switched off by some disconnected employee up the line somewhere — or attacked by a rat.

The Internode spokesperson apologised for any inconvenience the saga had caused, stating they "pride themselves on providing award-winning customer service to our customers". "If you are still experiencing any issues, please let us know and we will get a member of our team to contact you directly."