ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local baby boomer, who thought purchasing an overpriced luxury electric vehicle will absolve him of all guilt for his generation’s role in signing the planet’s death warrant, has somehow managed to install over 40 malicious viruses into his Tesla’s on-board computer – leaving engineers at the US carmaker ‘baffled’.

Graham Washbrook, who made his money exploiting loopholes in our nation’s regressive tax system that rewards dishonesty and punishes the poor, told the Tesla boffins that he didn’t know how the viruses got inside his car.

The 69-year-old ham-fisted social and economic handbrake on our economy said the same thing to our reporter this afternoon.

“My grandson plays games on it sometimes,” he said.

“That must be it. I told his mother not to let him play in my nice new car! Damn it!”

However, some of the Tesla robots that are currently masquerading as human beings said that they’ve narrowed it down to a few avenues of investigation.

Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this afternoon via the floating pieces of celestial human faeces this government often refers to as the SkyMuster NBN, Peter Caper from Tesla said some of the things they uncovered in Mr Washbrook’s car have ‘really rattled’ his team.

“I’m not sure if I should be telling you this, you know?” he said.

“But that old guy who owns the car with the viruses in it, he’s been looking at some of the most depraved pornography I’ve ever seen. On his car computer, while he’s been driving around. Like it’s full-on scat porn. I had to take a day off work after I saw it,”

“The telemetry and tracking information suggests he drives around with it playing on the big screen, then sometimes he pulls over to shave the carrot on the side of the road. None us know what to do. We aren’t able to deal with this, so we just did a format and handed it back to him,”

“Don’t tell anybody I told you this. I don’t know how he’s managed to install 44 computer viruses into a car but anything is possible when a Boomer is left unsupervised with technology.”

More to come.