After the seasonal coolness of a late-August bank holiday, things are really hotting up in the transfer market. With the window due to close tomorrow evening, temperatures have reached an almost unbearable tepid. Look at this little lot!

Arsenal are in the market for a new left-back, new right-back, two central defenders, four midfielders, two strikers, a false nine, a trequartista, a winger, a sweeper, a janitor and a tea lady. Nobody said manager, you'll note: they've already got one of those, and what a job he's doing too, they're very happy with him. And he's about to spend a whopping £6.2m on Fenerbahce's Brazilian left-back Andre dos Santos. Arsène Wenger also wants Internazionale's Wesley Sneijder and Chelsea duo Florent Malouda and Yossi Benayoun, not that he's scrabbling around in a blind panic or anything.

Chelsea are certainly trying to offload Benayoun, and have offered him back to Liverpool, plus £7m, for Raul Meireles. Kenny Dalglish has responded with a look of haughty disdain, the one he does so well in every post- and pre-match interview. André Villas-Boas also wants Porto left-back Alvaro Pereira and Juventus keeper Marco Storari.

Tottenham Hotspur and Aston Villa are both considering offering alabaster midfielder Owen Hargreaves a contract. A playing contract, as opposed to a job in the office or tea bar, just to make it clear. May be worth reading that back.

But you'll need to read this one 10 times over, at a rough guess: Sunderland boss Steve Bruce wants to land Celtic striker Georgios Samaras. If you didn't know any better, you'd say he was trying to get himself sacked.

Meanwhile a couple of new full-backs for Aston Villa: Scotland international Alan Hutton, and Enda Stevens of Shamrock Rovers. Which one's the bigger gamble, do you think? Yes, us too.

Tottenham want to purchase Scott Parker from West Ham United, but only if they sell Luka Modric to Chelsea, and they'd rather not do that. A philosophical poser and no mistake for Harry Redknapp, who is standing repeatedly patting the top of his head with the palm of his hand.

Now that Manchester United have proved they don't need any players above the age of 23, Russian moneybags Anzhi Makhachkala are planning to offer £25m for superannuated stopper Nemanja Vidic.

Craig Bellamy's about to have an argument, everyone. He's got the serious radge that Manchester City are refusing to settle up his contract, so he can leave for Tottenham, Liverpool or Everton. He's advancing on Roberto Mancini's office with a golf club as you read this. Keep calm, Craig. A nice smooth Fred Couples motion, steady rhythm, get your left shoulder under your chin when you're taking the club back, and keep your hands high on the followthrough.

Swansea City will lodge a £1.2m offer for ADO Den Haag midfielder Jens Toornstra.

Blackburn Rovers are close to a £5m agreement for Scott Dann, though Queens Park Rangers are still hopeful of a deal. But not Arsenal, you'll note. They're too busy concentrating on upping their initial £6m bid for Bolton Wanderers' Gary Cahill, by increments of 1p. Tottenham are preparing to join that particular race, presumably with the sole intention of annoying their jiggered neighbours.

Sunderland, Everton and Bolton Wanderers are all in the market for Manchester City winger Adam Johnson.

Stoke City are set to spend £7m on Wilson Palacios, and the best part of £4m on Birmingham City's Cameron Jerome. Tony Pulis also wants £10m Peter Crouch, who you may remember from 2006 and 2007.

Newcastle will spend £5m on Davide Santon of Internazionale. Santon was once described as the "next Paolo Maldini", so that's gone well.

And finally some bids for strikers, in one difficult-to-follow paragraph: Liverpool want Lazio's Mauro Zarate; Leicester are after Bristol City's Nicky Maynard; Lille will bid for Chelsea's Salomon Kalou; Southampton want Martyn Waghorn of Leicester City; and Sunderland are interested in Freiburg's Papiss Demba Cissé and Manchester United's Federico Macheda.

Just over 24 hours to go, folks. Then what will we write about?