Former Overwatch League pro and now full-time streamer Félix “xQc” Lengyel misses being a pro.

Though he’s formally an Overwatch Contenders sub for the Gladiators Legion, he’s been away from any professional esports scene since Dallas Fuel released him from the Overwatch League. He’s since then become one of the most successful variety streamers on Twitch.

But he can’t forget what it was like to compete professionally.

“I miss having a purpose, failing and succeeding,” he said on Twitter yesterday.

“I love playing competitively, but it’s always very hard for me to balance things,” he added in a follow-up conversation with Dot Esports. “I just bruteforce one thing and hope the other ones don’t die out, in most areas of my life anyway.”

That’s why, if he ever made a return to a competitive environment, he says it would have to be in a game where streaming is part of being a professional player, such as Fortnite: Battle Royale.

He says his thirst for competition started when he was in the Overwatch Contenders season zero in 2017 when he represented Arc 6.

“I did not care about sleeping or eating well, keeping up with friends or family,” xQc said. “I would only turn my phone on before going to bed. If I performed poorly I would put everything aside and play ranked until I felt better about my play.”

His focus was being the best and nothing else.

“Failure would keep me up at night and make me rethink everything and work harder. I miss that.”

But xQc believes he can’t play competitively again with his current streaming career.

“The way I prioritize things it’s not a good fit,” xQc said. “There will never be a harmony between streaming and playing that I’m comfortable with while maintaining a good level of play.”

And though xQc misses being obsessed with getting better in professional play, he still finds joy in streaming.

“I really enjoy just playing games and interacting with others all day, I like seeing reactions from others all the time.”

Fans who want to see xQc back in esports will have to wait. He wants to make a return, but doing so means giving up on what he’s been building with his Twitch community since he became a full-time streamer.

“Trying my best to build a community within the viewers and create something new while playing professionally gets tough,” he said. “There’s always the thought that I’m neglecting the ones who care and take the time to be part of it. It’s straining.”