“We are proud to announce a deal to keep the Crew in Columbus,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “This is after we were proud to facilitate and help with a secret move for the team before fans found out what we were trying to do and banded together to stop the league from ripping away their team.”

Insiders with the league state that they are happy to seize the narrative from the fans in Columbus and make it seem like the league wasn’t involved in trying to actively help kill the team for the past 3 years.

“It’s a great time for controlling the narrative,” stated one anonymous league source. “MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. ….. See, if you say it enough everyone will start believing it to be true.”

According to Commissioner Garber, the fans were moderately helpful in their support but that the league deserves the credit for saving the team as he mentioned the support of the fans in helping the league make a profit off a scenario they created when they allowed Anthony “I kick puppies for fun” Precourt to exercise an option to move the team to Austin.

“We are excited to sell the team we hoped to kill not more than 8 months ago,” stated Garber. “We make some money, he makes some money, he moves his team to Austin and we reframe this whole thing like we are the good guy.”

The Nutmeg News will likely have more on this when the league tries to do it again.