WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should never under any circumstances move on from the 2016 election results,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, adding that the 66-page lawsuit filed in a New York federal court asserts that the American people must remain solely preoccupied with every little goddamn detail from the 2016 presidential race. “We’re calling on WikiLeaks, Russia, and Trump campaign officials to join the Democratic Party in our efforts to spend the next several years prioritizing endless fucking discussions about potential election interference and what that means for democracy. We believe there was a deliberate effort to throw the race to Donald Trump, and that the American people have a right to publicly re-litigate Hillary Clinton’s defeat and promote far-reaching conspiracy theories instead of concentrating on anything remotely politically constructive for the next few decades at least.” At press time, DNC officials were calling for an emergency legal injunction to block the nation from learning absolutely anything from the 2016 election.



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