WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million Americans on the road must yield to me and me alone,” said Chao, adding that all traffic lights, as well as “four-way, three-way, or two-way” stop signs no longer apply to her, and frankly, never really did. “Furthermore, if I speed by a police car, fire truck, or ambulance, they are the ones who must turn off their sirens and promptly pull over to side of the road. And train conductors? They must stop and let me through the gates if I’m ever parked at a railroad crossing. So consider this a warning, because violators will be immediately sentenced to life in prison without trial.” At press time, a seething Chao slammed her fist on a podium and began chanting “all will yield” to a terrified audience.

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