The Beginner

Age: 15-18

You are in high school and you have just started smoking the devils lettuce with your close friends. You may have planned your first smoke sesh meticulously, renting David Lynch’s Eraserhead and stocking up on Charleston Chews or maybe you simply tried a puff spontaneously at a friends party. Either way, after having your first experience you want to try everything stoned and the majority of your conversations with your fellow ents will be about how high you are at that particular moment. This is possibly the most fun time to get high because everything is still new. You will have seemingly life altering epiphanies while listening to The Mars Volta or trying your first slice of barbecue chicken pizza with ranch dressing. Looking back on these experiences later in life you might facepalm that you would do such ridiculous things while high on weed but that’s what being a high school kid is about. Take heed though, not everything is better when stoned. Don’t smoke grass in the parking lot of your high school, and don’t smoke before every action you make. I know it’s tempting but getting stoned before checking the mail or taking out the trash isn’t as religious as one might expect. Don’t shirk your responsibilities as a student and a friend to those who don’t indulge in marijuana.

The College Years

Age: 18-23

This is when most people, whether they tried pot in high school or not, will smoke the majority of their weed. The kids who did inhale in high school will probably hit critical mass and smoke nearly everyday. You will smoke at parties, at home by yourself with some Netflix, at concerts, and if you’re lucky with your significant other. The fact that you are “free” for the first time in your life will allow you to blaze up without worrying about getting flack from your parents if they find your stash in the sock drawer. This is also the time when you stop focusing on the “pot culture” you embraced while you were in high school. The type of strain you are smoking will matter less to you and you won’t spend hours cruising the internet for the perfect bong or vaporizer. Additionally, the stigma of weed as a dangerous drug that only miscreants use has all but washed away safe for the few evangelists on campus aside from that you certainly won’t be judged for your habit. The important thing to remember is that you are in college to receive an education, not just burn a fat one and marathon Futurama for four years.

The Young Professional

Age: 23-30

Chances are once you have your degree not only will you want to cut down on your marijuana consumption because you plan on entering the workforce and trying to be an adult but also because your love affair with the ganja has worn a bit thin. Like any long term relationship, you have been with Mary Jane for the past 8 years and you feel that it might be time to “take a break”, the magic just isn’t there anymore. You’ve probably experienced every level of high there is to be had and you aren’t excited by the prospect of smoking all day on the couch eating cheetos. You’re becoming an adult- egads! You will still smoke on the weekends and occasionally at night during the week but you certainly won’t be blazing up before work- not because you are afraid you couldn’t get away with it but because you realize being zonked out at your job as a paralegal will only make you tired by lunch and will affect you productivity. You might still be buying pot in small amounts but usually the only times you’ll get high is when you are hanging out with your friends who are still in school or when you’re at a party and a J is casually be passed around the room. It’s like being friends with benefits with MJ, you don’t want to be in a committed relationship anymore but you are always down for a late night booty call.

The Family Man

Age: 30-60

The family man stage of your marijuana trajectory will be longest and the one with the least amount of herb smoke. You have a spouse and probably some kids, you’ve settled into a career that you (hopefully) enjoy, and you have a lot more responsibilities. With little ones running around the house you will retire your bong and give it to a single friend or a younger cousin. When your kids are infants and toddlers you won’t be getting high because they are your main priority and you don’t want to do anything that might impair your ability to care for them. Once your kids have reached the age where they start going to school you probably won’t be smoking as to not set a bad example because while there is nothing inherently wrong with smoking pot nobody wants their kids picking up the habit from them. Also, you probably won’t want to get high anymore, just like you won’t want to go to frat parties or jump in the mosh pit at The Deftones concert. When you do smoke it will be one or two times a year when Melinda busts out the joint she’s been saving “for a rainy day” at your monthly book club meeting or when you go ice fishing with the boys from Minnesota and your nephew pulls out a spliff to pass the time. It will be like visiting a friend you haven’t seen in awhile. You will probably get too high and your kids will wonder why daddy/mommy ate the entire frito pie. In this stage of your life, you’ll probably get on the CBD oil like every other man and his dog. It will keep you chilled out with all of the family stress, but aside from the cost your wife won’t have a reason to frown upon what you are doing

Retirement

Age: 60-75

This is when the weed consumption ramps back up again. Your kids have either gone to college or already entered the workforce themselves. They have their own lives and views on the world, and there is not much you can do to to influence them. You have either retired or you are about to and all of your peers are about to do the same. Corona bottles, Hawaiian shirts and good times are to be had all around. You will rediscover your love for Mary Jane like the girl who got away so many years ago. You barely remember what good weed looks like and you don’t care so you just buy enormous bags of mersh from a guy who works in the warehouse. You smoke with the friends you have cultivated in your neighborhood usually in your garage while you try to get your Creedance Clearwater Revival cover band off the ground. This is also the time that you might start smoking with your kids unless they have already entered the young professional stage of their consumption. This is possibly the best period in time to get stoned. You have already lived a full life and it is time to relax like you’re a teenager again.

The Old Fogey

Age: 75-Death

You are on your way out. Nobody cares about your weed smoking habits and if they do- screw em you’re old and can do whatever you want.