GREENVILLE, SC—Insisting there is no way anyone else would be able to get ahold of the weapons in his home, local gun owner Kevin Williamson told reporters Thursday he always keeps his firearms securely locked away where only he can access them during a severe mental breakdown. “Owning firearms comes with serious responsibilities, which is why I store each of my guns in a locked safe,” said Williamson, who assured reporters that no one but him could open the tamper-proof steel box and access the firearms in the midst of an overwhelming period of emotional distress that engendered a blind, psychotic rage. “I keep the key on me at all times, so I’m the only person who can get to them [in the event that I suffer a full-scale psychological meltdown and channel my derangement into a violent, blood-soaked rampage]. No one but me is laying a hand on those guns.” Detailing the further precautionary measures he takes, Williamson told reporters he would have to retrieve the ammunition from a separate location should he ever need to use his guns to take out a wild, all-consuming fury on a crowd of innocent bystanders or his family.

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