Stuart Heritage reimagines the exchange of letters between the former culture secretary and David Cameron relating to her resignation following her expenses scandal

LETTER TO THE PRIME MINISTER

9 April 2014

Dear Prime Minister,

It is with the thinnest possible veneer of synthesised guilt that I have been convinced to tender my resignation as a member of the cabinet.

I am very grateful to you for inexplicably having my back throughout this mess, but the present situation has become a distraction from the vital work this government is doing to distract the public from the ongoing abuse of government expenses.

I have been a member of the Conservative party for more than 30 years. I know that our party understands the importance of giving everyone the opportunity to succeed regardless of where they come from, so long as they come from my immediate family and prefer having a nicely decorated house to being able to sleep at night.

I am immensely proud of what my team have been able to achieve during my time in government: uniting our great arts and cultural institutions in unanimous agreement that I should resign; putting women front and centre of the continuing expenses scandal; putting in place the legislation to enable all couples to have the opportunity to marry regardless of their sexuality. I mean, there was that time I voted against a move to allow ministers to introduce regulations banning harassment on grounds of sexual orientation, but that was way before you made me look after gay people. Besides, accurate recollections have never exactly been my strong point, have they?

Did I mention that I went to a comprehensive? Because I totally did.

Implementing the recommendations made by Sir Brian Leveson on the future of media regulation wasn't the success I'd hoped it to be, either. I mean, seriously, what's the point of limiting the freedom of the press if I can't even bully editors into shutting up about my dodgy mortgage? Still, whatever. I get the message. I'll lie low for a bit.

I will continue to support you and the work of the government as you move forward. Ensuring the best future for people of Basingstoke who I'm directly related to has been my priority throughout the past nine years. Whether on the front or back benches, I will continue this work. But, who are we kidding, it'll probably be the front benches, right?

I did mention I went to a comprehensive, didn't I?

The only reason I became an MP was that I wanted to give something back. Sadly, there was some disagreement about the exact amount. I owe my husband, my mother, my father and my three children a great deal. Less than I owe everyone else, admittedly, but a great deal nonetheless.

I haven't actually said sorry for anything here, have I? Never mind!

Maria Miller

REPLY FROM THE PRIME MINISTER

9 April 2014

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your letter. About bloody time, too. Now, keep your mouth shut and we'll have you back here in a month or two. Still on for cocktails next week?

PS: Stop saying "distraction" on TV. You have no idea how annoying it is.

David Cameron