TORONTO – One of the many residents of Toronto’s underground system of pedestrian walkways, ‘the PATH’, is willing to guide topsiders through the tunnels to the Eaton Centre, in return for a small consideration, of course.

“Right this way, right this way, my lords,” said Griswoldo, the friendly hunchback, in his torn and grease-stained frock coat, leading a group of tourists from Union Station through to the underground portion of the TD Canada Trust tower. “Stay together now, my lords, mustn’t stray from the PATH, elsewise you may never live to pay my humble salary.”

Although it has been many years since Griswoldo set sight on the sunlit lands, he claims to maintain loyalty to the mayor of topside, unlike so many underdwellers in these sad and troubled times.

“Careful now, my lords, folk in these regions pay homage to the Undermayor, and do not love topsiders,” said Griswoldo, coughing blood into a grubby silk handkerchief as he and his charges entered the uncharted tunnels beneath Yonge and Adelaide. “But stay with Griswoldo, trustworthy Griswoldo, who charges such a reasonable rate, and he’ll keep you safe from the rat brethren.”

While Griswoldo’s rates are more expensive than he lets on, sources inside Tourism Toronto say he’s one of the more reliable underside guides, unlike Falco Gresemayer, Scarlett Robb, and Bazzilicus Tenfingers, all of whom are known to be in the employ of Brulk the Eater.

“Go on without me, my lords, I shall hold off the Beast,” said an ashen-faced Griswoldo, glancing over his shoulder towards the approaching sounds of the Cave Raccoon, while he tried to stanch his bleeding side with a scrap of grimy velvet. “When you get to the Dynamic Funds Tower, find Robespierre. He owes me a favour, and he knows the tunnels. Go!”

At press time, gallant as ever, though now missing an arm, Griswoldo had reappeared just in time to save Robespierre and the topsiders from a gang of Brulk’s henchmen, and of course, to claim his fee.