Christian Artist Comes Out As Talented Musician

NASHVILLE, TN—According to a statement released Monday by Troy Kaiden of Christian rock group Prism316, the guitarist has “at long last” come out of the closet as a talented musician. Kaiden said that for years he has hidden his true identity, pretending to be a prepackaged imitator of worldly music, but finally reached a breaking point and had to be true to who he really was—a guitarist who is actually quite gifted.

“I can’t hide who I am any longer,” Kaiden told reporters. “I’ve been suppressing my real self for years, pretending to enjoy recording riffs copied from U2 songs to get play on Christian radio. I can’t do that anymore. This is me, take it or leave it.” He then demonstrated his true identity by performing an intricate, creative, original song on his guitar.

Kaiden further stated he will be leaving his band as a result of his newly unveiled identity, and he apologized for the emotional harm and trauma he has caused to them through this difficult task. But in the end, he said the pain and separation from many of his closest friends would be worth it for the “feeling of freedom” he has experienced since coming out as a good guitarist.

“I just ask that people would accept and embrace me for who I am—a talented musician,” he said. “No, I’m not like your favorite contemporary Christian band, and I can’t pretend to be any longer—but I’m asking you to please remember the words of Christ, who said, ‘Judge not.'”

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