A Holiday Poem For The Restivus

by O2BIrish

‘Twas two days before Christmas, with curtains well drawn.

The sunlight poked through at the break of the dawn.

In the mansion’s huge bedroom, there sounded a yawn

That scared every creature away. They’re all gone.

A figure emerged from the bed with a gut.

He walked to the bathroom a-scratching his butt.

As we saw this guy give his face a quick trim,

We could see in the mirror: this butt scratcher’s JIM!

While he shaved, he decided “I’ll spruce up this place!”

As he stuck toilet paper to nicks on his face.

“Since Christmas last year was so awful, it sucked,

I’ve decided that Christmas this year will be ducked.

“I’ll celebrate something! I’ll do that, at least.

this year, I’m holding a Festivus feast!

I watched it on “Seinfeld!” I know what to do!

I’ll call up my friend and my co-workers too!”

So JIM called his aide, to her desk she’s still chained.

“I’m holding a feast here tonight!” JIM explained.

“Everybody must be here, so call everyone.

Tonight it’s at seven! It’s going to be fun!”

JIM logged onto Google, the site he would troll

In search of the ultimate Festivus pole.

He soon found a pole seller just down the street

With a price that this cheapskate knew couldn’t be beat.

He brought the pole home, in his den ‘twas erected.

When putting it up, JIM THE BOSS, he reflected:

“This pole I could use every day of the week,

By bringing here Babmbi and her friend Moanique.”

He started to grin a big grin, ear to ear -

He could use that himself when those girls were not here.

He made sure that supports of the pole were so strong.

He could dance with the thing while he’s wearing his thong!

He called up his servants, to them gave a budget.

“Get food for the feast! Here’s your limit! Don’t budge it!

They went on their way in a search for some food.

“Don’t blow it!” JIM yelled, “It better be good!”

When the clock had struck seven, folks rolled in en-masse.

They all were all techies with knowledge and class.

Clone7_ and Stryker, EKimball were first,

And JimButNotTheJim, through mansion doors burst.

Then Vyper, Bruce Robb, Mr. Curtains and Jon,

Phipps Canpisio, Genny G, Ernest came on.

MadHatter, Darth Dana, and some HelpDeskMinion

And Readem_andWeep and some drunken Virginian.

Larry Adams, George Grimes, Joseph Danko, Mag M,

Karen Szczytko and Scott Bicknese joined all of them.

The DigitalFrog came, and Bascombe. It’s true!

Rich Clemens, Jim Evans, Mark Jenkins came too,

Then Trapper__John came dressed all proper and prim.

Some might say on a bad day, he looks just like JIM.

These folks kept arriving from near and from far.

Since JIM lied and told them “’T’will be open bar.”

When the driveway activity finally ceased,

The time had arrived for the Festivus Feast.

The dinner bell rang and each guest took their seat

Expecting to get something awesome to eat.

The servants came out, each one holding a tray,

But what the guests saw made them groan in dismay.

They cried out in unison, “JIM, WHAT’S THE DEAL?

THE FEAST JUST CONSISTS OF A KID’S HAPPY MEAL?!?”

The group began grumbling, cursing and swearing,

And everyone started their own Grievance Sharing.

“Jim fired my brother!” “Jim treats us with scorn!”

“Jim thinks that a pink slip is issued, not worn!”

“The guy is a cheapskate!” “Of him we are tired!”

“He is the person that ought to be fired!”

“Decisions that Jim makes are always so wrong!”

“He looks like a blimp when he’s wearing that thong!”

“A lesson for JIM we would all like to teach

Since we don’t think that they make that strong a brain bleach.

This lesson we teach, we will go any length

So he will be feeling our group’s Feats of Strength!”

“LET’S GET HIM!!!” they shouted, and off they all ran

With JIM in the lead running fast as he can.

They ran down the driveway, all through the estate

And finally through the black wrought iron gate.

The mob kept on running ‘til JIM found a cop.

With a wave of his hand, the group came to a stop.

“Oh, Officer! Officer! Please stop this mob!

They’ve chased me so long my head’s starting to throb!”

The mob then related the Festivus feast,

And all had agreed JIM THE BOSS was a beast.

The officer said, “Folks, I cannot deny it.

I’m taking him in for inciting a riot.”

The mob all went back to JIM’s house, they were hopin’

The gate at the front of the mansion’s still open.

They raided his pantry, and then with a snicker,

They emptied the cabinet storing his liquor.

When the partiers all had their fill on that day,

They got in their cars and they went on their way.

They all had agreed, although JIM makes them scream,

Tonight they all made just a heck of a team.

Thus ends, fellow Tanksters, my holiday poem.

Safe travels I wish, as the country we roam.

I wish Happy *insert your holiday here*

And hope twenty-fifteen’s a really great year!