I only did karaoke once in my life. It was with Courtney Love and it was a total disaster. She pulled me on stage in front of 500 people at a wedding. I’ve never done karaoke since. – Jared Leto

Everyone has that one friend who takes karaoke seriously even when they aren’t drunk. They think the world cares about their particular rendition of The Darkness’ “I Believe in a Thing Called Love,” and that everyone should congratulate them after they did a glorified version of Hooked on Phonics in front of totally apathetic strangers.

Well, in the Philippines, that friend would get shot. Which, unfortunately, due to Americans’ belief in fairy tales like justice, truth and due process, is not as easy to accomplish in America. But at least in the Philippines these hooligans are given their just reward, besides having to attend a Panic! At the Disco show.

In the Philippines there isn’t a whole lot going on – I mean, they invented the yo-yo as a weapon, so clearly they have a lot of time on their hands. They are still reeling from dictator Ferdinand Marcos, whose wife Imelda owned 3,000 pairs of shoes but zero ideas for how to look good in them. Sure, Manny Pacquiao is the number one boxer in the world, which unfortunately comes at the time where literally no one likes boxing anymore.

And into this vacuum the Filipinos searched for a national pastime, something to kill each other over – like the drug trade in Mexico – and they stumbled upon karaoke. Filipinos get irate over karaoke, and not the typical angry shouts of “Dude, that’s in C# not D you egregiously off-key buffoon” – more the type of anger that starts “hey, that sucks” and ends with pistol shots and an obituary.

If you have ever been to a Filipino party you know they like karaoke – which is backed up by an always reliable Yahoo! Answers response from user Dr. Romantic – “so we [Filipino] are not accustomed in having the music absent during gatherings(hence the karaoke…lol)” – LOL. But, its true.

They take karaoke way more seriously than we do voting. I guess that’s a bad example, that could just be a minor hobby then. They take karaoke more seriously than these elementary schools kids take grinding.

To really understand how much Filipinos enjoy karaoke, just soak this in – SIX PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS FOR SINGING KARAOKE POORLY. Not only have they been killed, they were all killed singing the same exact song. Not Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” – Not Nickelback’s, well anything – Not Fun.’s newest sing (know why they have a period? buncha pussies LOL).

No, the song that SIX Filipinos have been killed over is Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” You should probably listen to it again to appreciate how calming and soothing this song is and notice how you do not reach for your pistol if someone nearby starts humming it out of tune.

People in the Philippines think differently though. In 2007, Randy Reiger was shot dead after singing the tune by the bar’s security guard,

The guard complained that Reiger’s rendition was off-key, and when the victim refused to stop singing, the guard pulled out a .38-caliber pistol and shot the man dead.

This is just par for the course in the Philippines though – a country where a Japanese soldier named Hiroo Onoda hid for 29 years after his country surrendered and still continued fighting for the Imperial Japanese Army. It’s a land that makes people do insane things, kind of like the Waffle House at 3am.

And, lastly, in order to stop such karaoke massacres, the Filipinos have enacted a devious strategy. They have begun to hire bakla, which are gay or effeminate men, or possible transsexual women. These bakla are supposed to use humor in order to stop karaoke fights/future murders since no one will be sexually jealous for them. At least that’s how the theory goes in the Philippines. Very progressive for a country that kills people over off-key renditions. Half of the radio artists in America would be dead if we enacted such a policy (would it be that bad though?).

At least it’s not Thailand though, where a man killed eight neighbors because they kept singing John Denver’s “Take Me Home Country Roads” over and over again.

If only we could kill Fred Durst for this outburst (WARNING, will cause existential crisis)