Dear Captain,

A year ago I (she, 26) made a male friend (25) over OkCupid. We were both just looking for new people to hang out with, I was lonely after moving to a new city, and also happy to make a male friend because all my other friends are female. We started hanging out pretty regularly, just watching movies at home or going out for coffee or food.

Fast-forward a year, I invited him to my birthday party. At midnight everyone gave me their gift, but he said that he would only give me his when he leaves, so he doesn’t have to see me open it. He had done the same at Christmas, so I wasn’t surprised, but imagine my shock when this time, instead of a cute plushie, I opened the wrapping to see…a purple dildo. I was so shocked. The card he gave me explained how it was supposed to fit all the things on the list of “things I like” that I mailed to all my friends who weren’t sure what to gift me and I guess it was sort of a clever and funny play of words?

My friends laughed hysterically for like an hour, and I laughed with them, but the more I thought about it, the more disappointed I was. I have, I guess you could say a *thing* with presents, which is that I really really hate things I cannot use. I grew up poor and I like owning things of value and he knew that. I mean, that’s the whole reason of why

I sent that list around. But instead of respecting my wishes (and really, it’s not like they were outlandish, I wrote “stuff for my balcony” on that list so he could’ve literally just gotten me a plant), he chose to make a joke that *he* thought would be funny. Maybe I’m

being selfish, but to me, that’s an insult. It’s not even about the fact that it’s a sex toy (he knows I’m asexual), I wasn’t mad about that. I was mad that he didn’t think about what *I* would want.

I then told him that while it was funny for a while, I would prefer him to take it back and just give me the money. He refused, telling me how “disappointed” he is that I didn’t like his “troll gift” (literal quote), thus making everything about himself again.

Since then I’ve been unable to get myself to like him again. It’s like the floodgates have broken and I’ve started noticing other stuff that has been bothering me for a while but that I’ve overlooked – him never offering to do the dishes when we eat at my place, leaving behind a huge pile of trash when we get takeout, never checking in over Whatsapp how I’m doing, almost never being the one to set up the meeting place and

time for our meetings, never talking about #deep stuff and just joking around when I try…

He’s not a bad person, I know that if I tell him what bothers me, he will probably try to work at it. But why should I be the one to teach him basic manners? I’m not sure I want to take on that emotional labor. I can’t stop comparing him to my female friends, and I work a lot so I have to carefully choose the relationships I want to invest time in. Am

I really going to end a friendship over a dildo? On the other hand, were we really such good friends in the first place, or was I just lonely? Will I like him again if some time passes? Please help?

–Disappointed Birthday Girl

Dear Disappointed Birthday Girl,

I’d personally stop short of trying to get an alternate gift or money instead of the present he got you, but it’s okay to want nothing to do with a sexualized joke gift that makes you so uncomfortable. You can chuck it in the trash, you can give it back to him next time you see him, you can say “Let’s just skip giving gifts from now on, I don’t think it’s our jam” and/or “Hey I know you meant it as a joke, but it really grossed me out and hurt my feelings.”



And it’s okay to re-evaluate the friendship. Like you say, you could talk to him about the areas where you’d like him to be more considerate (cleaning up after himself, taking the initiative with planning, gift-giving) or you could decide that you don’t feel like putting in the effort. Someone doesn’t have to be a bad person to not be great friend material for where you’re at right now. It sounds like you might not hang out at all if you stopped making plans or checking in on him, and it’s okay to let inertia take its course.

I guess what I’d most like to give you by posting this answer is permission to Not Work At This For A While. Instead, ask yourself some questions:

Is the other person thinking about this and working at this even a quarter as much as you are? For example, do you think this guy is worried that he really disappointed you and pissed you off, and thinking about how to make amends or make sure you know that your friendship is important to him?

What if you didn’t have to make any big decisions about this person right now, or, at all? What if you just gave yourself permission not to worry about it for the rest of 2018, and maybe you’ll check in with yourself and see how you’re feeling in the New Year? If you miss him, that’s your answer. If you don’t, welp, there you go.

What would happen if you stopped putting effort into interactions with this person for a good while? Like, if you do happen to run into him you can be a basic amount of polite and friendly, and if he reaches out to you, you can answer in kind (if you want to), but what if you let the rest go?

Sometimes the answer to these questions will be “Nope, gotta talk it through, it’s like a sore tooth!” or “Nope, I’m done with that person forever!” or “Eh, he’s not the best of friends but he is good company on occasion and I’ll put up with some misunderstandings because it’s worth it to have him in my life in smaller doses” and that’s okay! There’s no right or wrong here, just a way of figuring out where you want to put your social energies. Hopefully somewhere in your life are some friends who gives you great, thoughtful presents and who put in as much love and time as you do. Maybe make the rest of the year about celebrating them vs. fixing the one who doesn’t?

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