I’ve had better weeks, admits Arlene Foster

DUP leader Arlene Foster has admitted that after seeing gay marriage and abortion become legal in Northern Ireland, just days after being shafted by Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal, she has had better weeks.

At the end of September, Foster was without a care in the world, with her importance to the Tory government likely to see her get her way on any Brexit deal, a Northern Irish woman’s right to choose was still firmly held back in the dark ages and gays in long-term committed relationship were restricted to telling people they were nothing more than ‘going steady’.

However, a week is a long time in politics, as Foster herself explained.

“Fucking Jesus Christ,” she began, with all the ferocity you’d expect from such a god-fearing woman.

“This is a fucking disaster! The streets will be filled with aborted foetuses and fornicating homosexuals before the week is out – you mark my words!

“This is almost as disastrous as when the pope visited Ireland!”

DUP aides are currently trying to shield her from the news that scientists have definitively proven that dinosaurs roamed the earth millions of years ago, discrediting her theory that the Earth is only six-thousand years old.

As one DUP spokesperson explained, “Someone had a fossil delivered to our offices earlier, and frankly, we’d have been happier if they’d posted us a box of semtex.”