Rules for Self-Checkout at the Grocery Store

20 items or less This might not be written anywhere, and certainly isn’t enforced by the stores, but it’s understood: the self-checkouts are designed for a quick getaway, and it is highly inconsiderate to clog the lanes with your overflowing cart of diabetes-fuel.

A good rule of thumb: If you can carry it in your arms, or one of those plastic baskets they stack by the front doors, you can use the self-checkout. But if you require a shopping cart, you need to get out of our way.

Produce lookup If you have difficulty differentiating between celery and a pumpkin, you should probably let somebody else commandeer the transaction. Stores provide this service, free of charge, and it’ll cut down on the likelihood of you receiving a savage parking lot beating after the fact.

Rule of thumb: If you’ve ever held a green pepper in your hand, and stared at it in utter confusion, let somebody else take over.

Finish shopping Since there’s no humans involved, many people seem to believe it’s OK to take their horrible food choices to the self-checkout once they’re 90% finished shopping. Then they send their bug-eyed, highwater children to finish collecting the sodium delivery devices.

This is unacceptable, because the highwaters can never find what they’re sent for, and always come back acting exasperated. Then “Big Mama” gets all loud and abusive, her arm fat commences to swinging, and everybody’s supposed to be understanding of the delay because she’s demonstrated her apology via arm fat in motion.

Just stay away from the checkouts, until you have everything you “need.” OK? Why the hurry all of a sudden? You sure weren’t in any hurry when your whole family was walking shoulder to shoulder across the entire canned meat aisle. Why now? Just take a deep breath, and relax. Burger King never runs out of Whoppers.

One item at a time Scan the barcode of one item, wait for the confirmation beep, and place it on the belt. Repeat until finished.

It doesn’t work if you try to go too fast, or attempt to squeeze two items between the beeps. And it doesn’t help the situation by slapping the scanner with your food, or frantically shaking it like a Yahtzee cup.

Everything will be OK if you’ll just calm down and allow the machine to do its job. It’s a miraculous piece of technology, but can’t detect barcodes moving at the speed of light. Jesus J. McChrist, it’s not the missile defense system!

Please note: When you lock-up the entire operation, and are forced to turn on the “lamp of disgrace” to summon a checkout coach, please don’t pretend the machine has malfunctioned. We all know it’s you, and your inability to master a piece of equipment dumbed-down to monkey levels.

Know how to use an ATM card If you’re unable to operate a rectangle of plastic, let someone else handle it for you. Again, it’s a free service.

But if you absolutely insist, the key is the brown strip on the back of the card. You’ve got to have that part lined-up correctly when you slide it through the slot. It won’t work if the thing’s upside-down or flipped-over. And you’re supposed to slide the long side of the card, not one of the ends. I mean, seriously.

Please note: Before lining up the brown strip, be sure you’re using the correct card. It won’t work if you’re attempting to pay with your Subway frequent-eater card, or your Barbara Mandrell fan club information.

Please also note: Research has confirmed that staring at electronic equipment with your mouth hanging open will not improve the situation. You need to take action, which I know is a scary thing… But you’ve got to be strong. You can do it!

These are the main Rules for Self-Checkout at the Grocery Store, but readers can almost certainly provide other tips and guidelines. Check the comments section below for further information.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.