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PRIMARY and secondary school teachers are today embarking on one last drink and drug fuelled rampage before knuckling down to the new academic year, in a bid to ready themselves for another nine months of looking after your poxy kids.

With the majority of schools re-opening on the first of September, this leaves most strung-out educators with less than a week to get properly wasted, allowing for a three-day coming down/ detox period.

As most parents now expect schools to not only educate their children, but also babysit them, discipline them and teach them the basics of right from wrong all while not upsetting the precious little angels, the majority of teachers spend their Summer holidays getting utterly annihilated as a coping mechanism. The end of August will generally see a surge in teacher-related drug binges, although recent surveys have shown an increase in the popularity of orgies and other sexually deviant behaviour.

“I spend nine months of the year with these little shits yelling at me, and I can’t even raise my voice to them without getting a letter from an angry parent” sighed Eugene Malone, a 43-year-old Irish teacher from Carlow.

“I’m gonna drug my brain off this fucking planet before I go back there. I’ve been doing nixers all Summer to save up a few quid and it’s all going to my local dealer, me and the rest of the faculty are going to meet up tonight in town and snort ourselves inside out. Then it’s back to mine, I’ve splashed out on a few strippers to come round. I actually taught some of them a few years ago, so I got a discount”.

Malone’s fellow teachers include Lisa McIngelsby, headmistress of an adjoining primary school. McIngelsby would normally wait until Electric Picnic to get E’d off her face but has moved her session forward due to her school re-opening on Wednesday, a move she has described as “a pain in the hoop”. Nevertheless, the 52-year-old mother of none intends to make the most of tonight’s coke binge, and has some helpful tips for her fellow teachers.

“Now, there’s a knack to snorting coke off a strippers tits” said McIngelsby, in between shots of Jager.

“See, the stripper will have been dancing so she’s gonna be sweaty, so that means a lot of your coke is going to stick to her. If you’re going to do a rail off her arse or wherever, be sure to dry it off a bit before you line it out. This is the kind of shit they should teach you in school, ya know”.