I am a library expert. Nobody loves the library more than me. Here are some amazing facts that you may not know about the library!

It’s illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded library. You have to go whisper it to each person individually.

Before the introduction of the first American public library, in 1833, there was nowhere you could go to conduct research for free. You probably just had to use the Internet.

Whether they sort their books alphabetically, with the Dewey decimal system, or the Library of Congress system, all libraries agree on one thing: I should have finished my tuna-fish sandwich outside.

The library is often seen as a serious, humorless place, but did you know that if you tell the librarian that the only thing you are interested in “checking out” is her, she will sometimes give you a very pained smile before changing the subject?

Many people don’t want to admit this, but you can learn more by spending a single day in the library than you could spending four years loitering outside of a 7-Eleven.

If you were going to the library for the very first time, you could be forgiven for thinking that it was a church founded by some guy named James Patterson. This is a common mistake.

Really thick books have many nicknames: doorstops, tomes, nerd magnets. But, to me, they’re just extremely hard to steal.

If you were looking for a book with a title like “How to Very Quickly Learn to Defend Yourself in a Physical Fight,” and you noticed a group of teen-agers in leather jackets hanging out where that book was shelved, combing their hair menacingly, you would probably take that as a good sign, right? Well, you’d be wrong.

The library is a great place to go to learn about even the most niche topics. For example, did you know that the mating call of the three-wattled bellbird, when imitated by a human, will cause a librarian to say, “Sir, if you don’t leave on your own, I’m getting security.”

The outside of a library is the perfect place for Method actors who are studying for the role of Guy Checking His Watch Who Could Have Sworn They Opened at Eleven to rehearse.

For now, physical books are still more popular than e-books. But, as soon as e-books start incorporating the rest of the alphabet, physical books are probably done for.

Did you know that some libraries are not even called libraries anymore but “media centers”? And did you know that knowing this will not be enough to distract library security from the fact that you are not wearing pants?

Most people don’t know that the reason librarians are always shushing you is because they’re trying to figure out what the hell they’re going to do with all these books.

Headsmarts Highway, Learning Lollapalooza, Print Paradise—these are just a few of the library rebranding ideas that my mom has suggested I start writing in a journal instead of calling her at this hour.