// HAPPENING TODAY

Groupon, Liberty Media, Disney, Take-Two Interactive and Zillow all report earnings.

Black Hat continues.

Sean Bean/Eddard Stark is doing a Reddit IAmA.

New iPhones to Suck All the Air Out of the Tech News Cycle on Sept. 9

Onstage at our inaugural Code conference earlier this summer, Apple SVP Eddy Cue described the company’s fall product pipeline as the best he’d seen in his 25 years at Apple. A few weeks from now we’ll get our first look at what he was talking about. Apple has scheduled a big media event for Tuesday, Sept. 9 — a date to which Apple numerologists will strain to attribute significance. As with September events past, the focal point of this one is to be Apple’s next-generation iPhones, which are expected to feature larger displays of 4.7 and 5.5 inches and run speedy new A8 processors. Apple declined comment. 9to5Mac previously reported that Apple was tentatively planning an event for mid-September.

How About We Fly Standby … On Turkmenistan Airlines?

If leadership at Samsung’s mobile division returned nearly $3 million in first-half bonuses and agreed to fly economy to apologize for the poor performance of the company’s handset business in the second quarter, what will the penance be for losing Samsung’s spot as China’s leading smartphone vendor to Xiaomi, a company that didn’t sell its first smartphone until the summer of 2011?

Think of Surface as a Loss Leader — Without the Leader Part

Gregg Keizer, Computerworld: “Calculations by Computerworld show that the Surface’s cost of revenue for the June quarter was $772 million. With revenue of $409 million, that put the tablet in the red to the tune of $363 million, the largest one-quarter loss for the Surface since Microsoft began providing quarterly revenue numbers.”

That’s Not a Toaster, It’s a Floppy Drive

“Why does Windows think my wireless keyboard is a toaster?”

In Handset Profit Race, There’s Win, Win and My God, You’re Pathetic

If you’re a smartphone manufacturer other than Apple or Samsung, condolences on your second quarter. Because according to new research from Canaccord analyst Michael Walkley, it was an ugly one in which Apple and Samsung captured 108 percent of handset industry profits and you likely posted another operating loss.

Sergey, Do We Really Have to Sing “The Happy Wanderer” Again?

Of course Google hosts an exclusive summer retreat at which the elite gather to discuss public policy issues and affairs of state. And of course it’s called “Camp,” because what better way to ironically describe such an event to tech celebrities convinced that founding Snapchat or being named to someone’s Most Influential People in Tech list gives them special insight into global policy issues. Anyway … the guest list this year includes Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick and Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, according to the New York Times. It’s like Davos, but with CEOs who’ve recently apologized for their sexually graphic fraternity emails.

The Good News Is, You Still Work at BlackBerry. The Bad News Is, You Still Work at BlackBerry.

For BlackBerry’s long-suffering employees, the layoffs are over — for the time being, anyway. Evidently a 60 percent workforce reduction was plenty. “The workforce reduction that began three years ago is now behind us,” BlackBerry CEO John Chen wrote in an all-hands memo. “More importantly, barring any unexpected downturns in the market, we will be adding headcount in certain areas such as product development, sales and customer service, beginning in modest numbers.”

Did I Mention That I’m CEO, Bitch?

Former Facebook employee Noah Kagan: “Mark, me and a few other people go into a small room. He looks at me, he’s very quiet. I’m like, ‘Holy shit, this is Mark Zuckerberg. I’m finally meeting the kid’… And he goes, ‘I just fired your boss. Welcome to Facebook.'”

My Prius? In the Shop to Get the Firewall Replaced.

The 2014 Toyota Prius may be one of the greenest cars around. Sadly, it’s also one of the most hackable. According to new research presented at the Black Hat conference this week, a number of the Prius’s critical features are on the same network as the one connecting it to the Internet, making it an easy target for malicious hackers. The 2014 Jeep Cherokee and 2015 Cadillac Escalade are similarly vulnerable. “A malicious attacker leveraging a remote vulnerability could do anything from enabling a microphone for eavesdropping to turning the steering wheel to disabling the brakes,” researchers Charlie Miller and Chris Valasek explained in a synopsis of their findings. If you’re in the market for a new car and hackability is a concern, the pair say the Dodge Viper, the Audi A8 and the Honda Accord are relatively secure.

Hey, Aren’t You the Author of “Bad Mother”?

Author Ayelet Waldman: “Evil, vile Kardashian Hollywood tricked my 11 yr old into spending $120 in 2 days. He’s crying hysterically. Pox on those f–kers.”

Off Topic

Serenading the cattle with my trombone and a surfboard-riding baby seal.

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