"Which player is the most expensive, cumulatively, in the world?" asks James Jones.

Taking a straw poll of the likely candidates - and waiting with certain anticipation to be contradicted - the Knowledge's most costly is ... Juan Sebastian Veron.

Veron's first transfer took him from Boca Juniors to Sampdoria for a mere £3m in 1996. A couple of seasons later and he was off again, this time to Parma for a princely £13m. Lazio picked him up the next season for a whopping £18.1m, but that was nothing compared to the £28.1m Manchester United saw fit to fork out for his services two years later. Probably not their best investment ever, but that didn't stop Chelsea splashing £15m on him two seasons later, taking Veron's cumulative value to £77.2m.

Strolling in second and slightly off the pace is another Chelsea money man, Hernan Crespo, who has (according to footballtransfers.info) notched up £68.87m in transfers since joining River Plate in August 1993 as a wee 18 year-old. Since then the boy from Florida, Argentina, has gone from Parma to Lazio (£35.5m), from Lazio to Internazionale (£16.57m), and finally to Chelsea where he cost Mr Abramovich £16.8m.

Crespo's only other companions in the £60m-plus category are Ronaldo and Christian Vieri. Ronaldo's moves between Cruzeiro and PSV (£4m), PSV and Barcelona (£12m), Barca and Internazionale (£18m) and Inter and Real Madrid (£28.49) add up to a cool £62.4m.

Vieri, meanwhile, cracks the ceiling with £62m after three ever-increasing transfers between Juventus and Atletico Madrid (£11m), Juve and Lazio (£19m) and Lazio and Internazionale (£32m) - although admittedly we couldn't find any figures for the other clubs he played for, including (deep breath) Atalanta, Venezia, Revenna, Torino, Pisa and Prato.

Reckon you can beat that? Email knowledge@theguardian.com

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

"Some years ago when playing amateur football, I retrieved a dead ball from off the pitch, carried it back on and handed it to my goalie," says Craig Thomas. "Imagine my horror when the referee - who was FA approved - sent me off for deliberate handball. Are there any instances of this kind of thing at a higher level of the game?"

"It reminds me of a time around ten years ago, at Dundee United v Partick Thistle I think," says Martin Welsh, in the first of three unexpected replies. "A Dundee United player's shot hit one of the back stanchions and rebounded out. The referee didn't award the goal, and even worse, the Partick defender picked up the ball and chucked it to the goal keeper. The referee had seen all this and waved play on, so it was neither a goal nor a penalty. Shocking."

And it's not just referees who get confused. Alex Marklew took us back to January this year, when West Ham took on Nottingham Forest in the FA Youth Cup. West Ham, who went on to win the game on penalties, were awarded a throw-in and one of the players threw the ball to a team-mate on the pitch to take it.

"Unfortunately," says Alex, "the hapless trainee used a perfectly executed throw-in to hand the ball to the other player, who promptly had a free-kick awarded against him for handball." That's tough, Alex, but it doesn't quite take our biscuit. That goes to Fraser, whose tale may come from a lowly local Sunday league match, but features the biggest prat in black. Over to you, Fraser.

"The opposition hoisted the ball into our area and our centre-back climbed all over their forward, the referee blew his whistle, clear penalty, no argument." We're with you so far... "So everyone stopped, apart from one of their players, who ran in and headed the loose ball into the net, watched by our bemused goalkeeper." These strikers, they'll try anything, won't they?

"Imagine our surprise when the referee blew his whistle again, awarded the goal for "advantage" and ran back to the centre spot. No amount of arguing could persuade him otherwise."

Have you encountered an even more ridiculous referee? Email knowledge@theguardian.com

THE KNOWLEDGE ARCHIVE

It won't get your monthly figures done on time, or get the car washed, but if your days just aren't complete without reading about the greatest two-legged comebacks, learning how to pronounce Bernabeu correctly, or Pele's brace against the mighty Stoke, look no further. It's all in the knowledge archive.

BRIEF ENCOUNTERS

"Who has the shortest Premiership career on record?" asks Steve Williams. "Is it Ali Dia, or has some kid ever come on in the 89th minute and then never again for a top-flight team?"

It's the latter, Steve. Although Ali Dia graced the Premiership for a mere 53 minutes (coming on for Matt Le Tissier against Leeds in 1996 before being shamefully hauled off for Ken Monkou), there are in fact four players who have enjoyed that Premiership tingle for just one minute.

First, it's off to South West London, where Joe Sheerin replaced Gianfranco Zola in Chelsea's 1-0 victory over Wimbledon in April 1997, a moment we assume would have brought a tear to his mother's eye, had it not been in the 89th minute.

In that same year West Ham fielded two one-minute wonders, first Lee Boylan coming on for Steve Lomas in the dying moments of a 5-1 thrashing of Sheffield Wednesday, and then David Terrier hi-fived Paul Kitson as the clock wound down on a 2-1 win over Barnsley.

And more recently, in 2002, Tommy Williamson won the honour of replacing Muzzey Izzet for Leicester, though his 60 seconds probably weren't vital to the midlanders' 2-1 defeat of Spurs.

Have you or anyone you know made less than 60 seconds of Premiership history? Email knowledge@theguardian.com

BREATHE EASY

"I've often wondered what the reflective material on the Gooners' shirt is," says Dave Rawsterne, referring, we presume, to the gunk smeared on Patrick Vieira's shirt of a Saturday afternoon. "Is this some kind of special material or does it come from an alternative source?"

First off Dave, we have to congratulate you on managing to avoid any knowledge of said substance despite several lengthy and enlightening Sky Sports features, which appear to have been on a quarterly loop since the turn of the millennium.

But we live to serve here, so we'll let you in on the secret. It's a heady menthol and eucalyptus concoction which you may know as Vicks Vaporub! Yes, Big Pat and various members of his Arsenal flock are big fans of Vicks' famous brand of free breathing, smearing it on their shirts in the name of clearer airways.

Harmless it may seem, but it nearly got Vieira and co. into trouble at the 2002 World Cup - the Japanese decided Vaporub was a dangerous stimulant and banned it. Luckily they got through the tournament without a congestion tragedy.

More questions! Email knowledge@theguardian.com

Can you help?

"Who is the poshest person to play professional football in the modern era?" wonders Michael Dunn.

"I've heard that there is some lower division team playing in Spain who were founded by Scots and have the Saltire incorporated into the strip," says Gavin Flanagan. "Assuming that this is true, who are they?"

"Did linesmen, or assistant referees as they are known now, use to run the full length of the field of play," asks John Dobson, who has a bitter dispute to settle. "Or have they always done half and half like it is today? If so when was the new ruling introduced?"

Send your questions and answers to knowledge@theguardian.com