The professional sex scolds at One Million Moms (actually lonely Monica Cole and her overheated fax machine in the supply closet at the American Family Association World HQ) have penned their review of The Mick (Spoiler alert): Disgusting Prime Time Television Show Has Children Playing Into the Hands of Jezebel

I get the feeling I might like this show. Tell me more, Monica!

The Mick centers on Mackenzie “Mickey” Murphy, an irresponsible, foul-mouthed, alcoholic, pill-head who is forced into raising her rich sister’s intolerable kids after the sister flees the country to avoid a federal indictment.

The sister, by any chance, is she named ‘Ivanka’? Asking for a friend.

In Tuesday’s episode, “The Mess,” 13-year-old Chip and his friend Andrew are asked to go somewhere more private with an older girl during the “white trash high school party.” The young boys end up naked in a bathtub together as they wait for the girl to get them all drinks.

Been there, done that.

The content of this unbelievable program includes support for Planned Parenthood, kids getting slapped in the face repeatedly, gagging a child to induce vomiting after swallowing illegal drugs, a young child speaking in an evil demonic voice, the same child covered in nicotine patches instead of Band-Aids, underage drinking, foul language, heavy alcohol consumption and drug use.

Five Quatloos says that by the end of the show, everyone has seen the error of their ways and resolves to do better. That’s the basic plot arc of all the family shows, from Beaver to Brady’s and beyond. But to the 1MMs of the world, the set up is more important than the denouement, and so the moral lessons are lost because the little scamps should not be led into temptation ever, at all.

And that’s the problem with Moral Scolds, generally. They want the lesson without the journey.

The older I get, the more I realize that everything is a choice. You make thousands of decisions every day, from having a cup of coffee (or a second cup), to what time to go to bed. You choose whether to be nice and kind or a shitheel.

Every decision is a trade-off.

The Monica Coles don’t want to talk about consequences of making choices; Hell, they don’t want kids to know that there are choices. There is a direct line from decision making to risk taking, and that is why Jeebusland is rife with teen pregnancies.

So maybe instead of boycotting the show, maybe the 1MMs should watch it—and other shows like it—with their kids. Or in Monica’s case, with her beloved fax machine.