New Living Translation

Then God gave the people all these instructions:

I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery.

1. You must not have any other god but me.



(Because God is really insecure – A very human trait… Which isn’t such a shock, as God was created by men.)

2. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.

(Okay, really insecure. The threats are to make sure you don’t wander off. The Church wants you to itself, so follow us… It won’t be good for you if you don’t follow us… Capiche?)

3. You must not misuse the name of the Lord your God. The Lord will not let you go unpunished if you misuse his name.

(No disregarding God’s name. The Church only wants positive stuff said about God.)

4. Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. You have six days each week for your ordinary work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. On that day no one in your household may do any work. This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you. For in six days the Lord made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy.

(Woohoo! You have to love an almighty boss who enforces a day off! At a time when every day was worked this commandment really pulled in the public… Let’s not forget all of those slaves who had nothing to look forward to – No one looking out for them… INSTANT FOLLOWERS! But let’s get this straight: You now have an entire day each week to hammer it into your thick skulls that the Church of God is the only thing that you should worship. Or maybe you want your ankles broken?)

5. Honour your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

(Yeah… You might not believe in a giant sky fairy, but the Church has you here! Ha! Using a child’s trust in its parents to build the myth… and yeah, these are the words of God… and yeah, God did say that if you honour your parents you will get a place in Heaven… BUT what about commandment number 2? Well, there’s an easy answer. Fuck you. There. Now move on. Amen.)

6. You must not murder.

(Because the Church fears that you might want to fight back. That’s why this law finally shows up, way after the insecurities and threats.)

7. You must not commit adultery.

(Says the Church… Or rather the people who put all this bollocks together, more than likely to protect their own marriages. ‘SEE WIFE! IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE!! AND YOU CAN’T ANSWER BACK BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS WOMEN SHOUKD STAY SILENT!)

8. You must not steal.

(The Church hates competition. You find gold, we want that gold… So you can go to heaven. Asshat…)

9. You must not testify falsely against your neighbour.

(Look, if your neighbour is breaking these rules, you can’t lie & cover up for them. Yup, this rule is to make sure that the scared, stupid & pliable minded people give up the potential thinking trouble makers who don’t believe…)

10. You must not covet your neighbour’s house. You must not covet your neighbour’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbour.

(Again, just because the religious leaders sit on golden thrones in richly decorated palaces, doesn’t mean that you should want the same. Be happy with giving it all to the Church… You’ll feel better. Oh, sorry… Did you think this was purely about your next door neighbour? Oh you foolish people!)