BILLINGS, MT—In an attempt to console her distraught friend following a recent breakup, local woman Janet Hendrickson told reporters Thursday that she was just going to throw a bunch of compliments about the woman against the wall and see what sticks. “I started out trying to comfort Lindsay [Fitzgerald] by focusing on what an incredible and sweet person she is, but that reached a dead end pretty quickly, so now I’m just kind of rattling off whatever positive attributes come to mind until one of them seems to do the trick,” said Hendrickson, noting that she made a point to hit the big bases of Fitzgerald’s beauty and intelligence early on before casting a wider net of flattering remarks about her upbeat attitude, amiable personality, and her loyalty as a friend. “Talking about all the hard work she put in to get her job and how much she’s accomplished there seemed to get a good reaction, so I just sort of ran with that until I’d squeezed just about everything I could out of it. But now I’m just taking some shots in the dark here, like telling her how she’s a good communicator and how she dresses nicely. I even said she had a great voice—I have no idea where that came from.” At press time, Hendrickson had thankfully found a means of discontinuing her scattershot barrage of compliments by telling Fitzgerald that it didn’t matter what anyone else thought about her as long as she believed in herself.

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