By Mike Dindoffer, Jeopardy! Loser

Just two guys, looking damn fine in purple shirts.

So! You’re a regular viewer of America’s favorite quiz show and have finally said to yourself, “I’ve got an overinflated ego and a penchant for masochism, maybe I can go on Jeopardy! and lose miserably too!” Well, my ambitiously self-flagellant friend, you are in luck! As a certified Jeopardy! loser, I have assembled a handy guide that will guarantee you lose big money along with the respect of your friends and family on national television!

Accumulate A Plethora of Useless Degrees

To get on the show, you must first take a test so broad and esoteric, only the most overeducated, self-appointed ass would even attempt it. You must be this ass. Your preparation begins with a strong foundation in the pseudo-sciences (the more discredited the better), along with a survey of humanities courses that don’t necessarily teach you how to do anything, but rather how to think about doing anything. If your college runs out of classes for you to audit by the time you graduate, don’t worry — there’s always grad school! When you get the call for an audition, you’ll know your twenty to thirty years of dilettantery will have finally paid off (if not your debt).

Pass the Test, Fail the Test

Congratulations! You’ve passed the test! Your reward? Another test! This time it’s on paper, but without friends or Wikipedia to help fill in the blanks. Pro tip: if you’re ever stuck, just answer “C,” even if it’s not multiple choice.

Radiate Pure Animal Magnetism

The audition also involves a “screen test” where you are filmed during a practice round. It’s easy to stress over getting the answers right — but relax! As far as Hollywood is concerned, you are — and have always been — a piece of meat. But, are you a sufficiently dry-aged and well-seasoned piece of meat to display in the butcher shop window we call “prime time?” For reference, see the accompanying photograph. That’s it, right there. Drink it in…oooohhhh yeeeaaaaah. That meat is seasoned just right.

Don’t Study, CRAM!

Many champions take the time to analyze common categories, clues, and betting strategies. But, that’ll just stress you out! Wait for the call to be on the show and you’ll have three whole weeks to cram the entirety of human knowledge into your well-rested brain.

Face One of the Greatest Players in the History of the Game

You’ve abandoned your family and a class of students mid-field trip to get to the studio on time. But, wait! Now, you get to sit and watch as the other shows of the week are taped. In the second show of my tape day, the current champion-who-shall-not-be-named obliterated the all-time single day winnings record, along with the light in my fellow contestants’ eyes. Want to know the sound of the soul escaping the body? $110,914.

Second Place is NOT an Option

There’s no shame in losing to the best. But, if losing is what lights your fire, then shame is the gasoline. Your only path is to come in last.

The Buzzer IS NOT Your Friend

You didn’t come here to make friends, not even with inanimate objects. If I learned anything from The Terminator, it’s that the apocalypse will start when a faulty game show buzzer becomes self-aware and uses this power to destroy the dreams of the contestant holding it. All buzzers should be attacked rather than pressed, and at random times when they won’t see it coming.

Buzz In Whether You Know the Answer or Not

One of the great things about Jeopardy! is you can actually lose money if you get a question wrong. What could be more millennial than going into debt while pretending you know what you’re talking about?

Abandon All Strategy

If, by the will of some malevolent trickster god, you manage to get a question right, then you choose the next question. Conventional wisdom would suggest you pick a familiar category, begin with an easier question, then progress through more challenging questions as you learn the style and structure of the category. Be neither conventional, nor wise. “I’ll take Demonyms for $1000, Alex!”

Forget How to Math

If you’ve dodged and weaved your way around correct responses through two rounds, ignored the siren song of Daily Doubles, and still inexplicably have money left by the end of the second round, you will need to make a wager in Final Jeopardy. The second place contestant may sense that you are within striking distance and wager just enough to hold you off. Little does she know that all your years of math camp, AP Calculus, and Differential Equations have made their unceremonious exit through the back door of your brain. At this moment, writing numbers is not advisable. Maybe draw a cat. People like cats.

Remember Who Got You Here

Since this is the last clue of the night, it can be easy to get caught up in the moment. Instead of stressing out thinking of the “correct” response, just make as many shout outs to friends and loved ones as possible on a single monitor. Even a simple “Hi Mom!” attached to an incredibly wrong response can be enough to say, “Dear Mom, thanks for the fancy edukashun!”

Reject the Very Premise of Final Jeopardy

Just as you have rejected the banal notion of “winning,” you must also reject the notion of “finality.” This moment is in no way final for a loser like you or me. Your moment does not come at the end of the game, nor many years later with cheering crowd and swell of music. Your moment comes after the first commercial break, when Alex Trebek explains that your incorrect response earlier in the show was technically correct and the scores have been adjusted. In life, nothing is easy, not even losing. And nothing is final, not even losing. All we can ever hope for is a fun ride and the occasional apology.