Shame and Seduction

The Paradox of the Modern Male

Seduction is a simple process. It has been convoluted by modern ideas of love and romance, but it has been the same process for thousands of years. Put bluntly, seduction is,

“the process by which males and females who are mutually attracted learn to know each other intimately, one sense at a time, by moving closer to each other at a comfortable pace until the male ends up inside the female and is so comfortable that he inseminates her.”

Like I said, it’s blunt but accurate. The critical aspects of seduction are then two fold: attraction and intimacy.

Like seduction, attraction is also a simple idea with complex undertones. Men are attracted to feminine females. Women are attracted to masculine males. However masculinity and femininity are two polar descriptors. Femininity is a physical. Masculinity is behavioral.

Modern masculine behavior is a combination of biological traits and socially conditioned actions: winning, emotional control, risk taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, primacy of work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, and pursuit of status. But this form of masculinity is not attractive to women. It is a distorted fabrication that men have been conditioned to believe through our capitalistic society.

That’s a lot, so let me back up.

Capitalism is best defined as the endless accumulation of capital. There will never be a point in a capitalist system where it is ‘satisfied’. This is why we see massive structural issues like income inequality, climate change and the consolidation of power (in business and politics). We live in a society of never enough.

So when men live, love, learn and grow in this world of ‘never enough’ they begin to believe that they themselves are ‘never enough’.

Never strong enough. Never successful enough. Never popular enough. Never winning enough. Never sexy enough. Never smart enough. Never certain enough. Never powerful enough. Never handsome enough. Never extraordinary enough. Never good enough.

This is shame.

Shame

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

The modern male is an ashamed male. He is expected to be confident and sure of himself in a world he has no control over. He is expected to lead but is constantly afraid. He is trained to face failure over and over and blame himself; not his actions, but his own identity for those failures.

Shame is incredibly unattractive. The violence, power over women, pursuit of status, disdain of homosexuality, primacy of work and playboy image that stain modern masculinity are all outputs of male shame. Shame also drives the opposite traits in men: neediness, anxiety, depression and insecurity. We either lash out or shut down.

And the driving force of masculine shame is our belief that we are not good enough for women. It is this core belief about the women we desire that make them unattainable. That belief structure leads to inevitable rejection, which we then internalize and produce even more shame. The harder we try, the more we will fail.

This is the paradox of the modern male.

The answer to this paradox then is to change our core belief system. Our most deep-seated beliefs about who we are must be altered on a fundamental level. If we feel shame because we feel we are unworthy of love and belonging, we must believe we are worthy of love and belonging. This belief of worthiness must come from somewhere that we can control. The belief must be founded on something that we can rely on day-in & day-out.

Put simply: we must love ourselves.

Self-Love is not earned. It cannot be bought, borrowed, or traded for. It is a decision. It is something you build over a period of time. It is built by prioritizing your belief in yourself over what others think of you. It is built by setting boundaries based on your values and sticking to them. It is built by treating yourself like the incredible and valuable person you are.

Self-Love is the driving force behind everything that makes a man truly attractive. A man that loves, trusts and accepts himself will always be able to rely on those facts and take on whatever challenges he faces.

He will tolerate uncertainty and thus be confident .

. He will face his fears and thus be courageous .

. He will follow his instincts and thus be a leader .

. He will be empathetic towards others and thus be caring

He will enjoy his own company and thus be fun.

He will be able to do this because he can be vulnerable.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is being open to injury, both physically and emotionally.

While the attractive man’s beliefs are founded in self-love, his actions are founded in vulnerability. Vulnerability is risk-taking, ‘putting yourself out there’, ‘expanding your comfort zone’, tolerating uncertainty, or ‘making the first move’. Every time you open yourself up to failing, being insulted, rejected, criticized, embarrassed or hurt you are being vulnerable.

Vulnerability is exposing your true-self for all the world to see.

When a man is vulnerable, those he interacts with will be vulnerable in return. We, as humans, love seeing others who are vulnerable. It inspires us. It makes us want to be vulnerable ourselves. It’s how we get to know and connect with one another. It is how we build trust, friendships and love.

Self-love is how men create attraction, vulnerability is how men build intimacy.

This is not an easy task. Vulnerability is hard. It is much easier to stay behind our walls, masks and armor thinking that they will protect us (they won’t). But if we can love ourselves, we will be able to find the courage to be vulnerable. We will find that the rewards of love, peace and happiness are more than worth it.

Seduction is a simple process. A man who loves himself and is willing to be vulnerable will find his life filled with incredible women and fantastic friends. He will be happier, more fulfilled and it will transform the way he lives, loves, and works.

All you have to do is be yourself.