Stetten: Definitely Aubrey Plaza.

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GQ: So what do you play?

Plaza: I’m the point guard. I’m also the voice against the haters. My team believes in me, except when I miss practice.

Trimbur: I am the five-foot-three Queen of D. Even the toughest girls are frightened when I’m man-on-manning them. I have an insane amount of energy, and I literally run circles around them as a defense move. The Shrimps rely on my consistent delivery of maximum-energy intimidation.

Vallon: I am the team attorney.

Stetten: I am head shrimp. I just made that up. I’m not actually on the team, I am a ghost. It’s 1936, right? Where am I?

Paisley Grey, model/writer: I actually just Googled "basketball positions" to see where I stand on the court—I switch between power forward and center.

Neelo Noory, fashion stylist: I play spot two or three typically, but my role as a personality is the hungover slash slightly aggressive one.

GQ: What’s one rule you hate about the sport, and how would you change it?

Hawkey: I...can’t figure out how to not double dribble.

Plaza: I don’t like the no-swearing rule. I would like to get extra points for aggressive and inappropriate language.

Blasucci: I wish they would give points for jokes on the court!

Trimbur: I don’t like the foul rules. I like to foul.

Vallon: Three seconds in the paint. We always forget about that one.

Levi-Crouch: I hate that you can’t wear jewelry, ’cause I would like to look more blinged-out on the court.

Stetten: I hate that Ryan Gosling doesn’t have to come to our games. I think that should be like a rule or something.

Lund: I actually don’t really understand the rules of basketball, but that works for me. To me, the game is boundless.

GQ: How will you guys deal with your inevitable rise to fame that will cause friction between members of the team?

Blasucci: Listen, if all fourteen of us don’t get to dine with Clooney, NONE of us get to dine with Clooney...simple as that.

Trimbur: The only friction we would feel is when we have a group celebratory scissoring session.

Stoltz: Well, our story is like, a group of women who all are pretty famous except for one or two normal girls who played basketball in high school—so probably what would happen is the normal girls would end up becoming famous, but they can’t handle the pressure of the red carpet interviews and dress fittings and people following them on their honeymoon. And they kind of hit rock bottom and get (more) into drugs and the real dark stuff. But! When all seems lost, they receive this revelation—a newfound appreciation for both (a) their famous friends’ impressive calm under the pressure of the public eye, and (b) the comfort of their hometown basketball court that always seems to center them no matter how messed up things may get. So they quit the team and go back to their hometown to just play basketball and not get involved in all that shrimp cocktail.