After decades of missions going to Earth, and literally millions of anal probes, a species of alien is on the verge of declaring the human anus mystery ‘solved’.

With almost every direct alien contact of the last century involving an anal probe, many experts are predicting that aliens might move on to more interesting elements of our planet’s inhabitants.

A spokesperson for the alien race told us, “It’s for pooping. You poop out of your anuses. We are 99% sure of this fact now.”

“We’ve looked at various human civilisations for over a thousand years – at your technology, your societal practises, but above all we wondered about that little hole between your butt cheeks.”

“Mission after mission we would come down to the surface, abduct someone of below average intelligence and then repeatedly probe their anus looking for answers – but to no avail.”

“All we created were more questions, and lots of dirty probes.”

“However a breakthrough was made during the recent abduction of Chuck Williams in Kansas, when the obligatory anal probe induced something I believe you call ‘defecation’.”

“It all became clear after that. There were a lot of cheers and high fives in that lab, let me tell you.”

Anal probe discovery

Recent alien abductee Henry Matthews spoke of his happiness that anal probing will now become a thing of the past.

He told us, “It wasn’t pleasant, though I don’t remember the actual incident all that clearly.”

“I’d been drinking heavily, and next thing I remember is bright lights and waking up in bed with a really sore anus.”

“With any luck this alien discovery will be the end of unexplained sore anuses everywhere.”

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