Xie, Junsheng

Block 4

5/6/15

「Cancer: The Prequel」

That’s the best way I can describe it. Cancer. I really can’t find a better way to describe those weeks of my life than to use that word. It’s vague, I know, but it is also extremely accurate. It was…unexpected, painful, complicated, and worst of all, out of control. It’s not something that can be explained nor understood easily, but I’ll tell it anyways.

It was Spring Break, the week of peace and happiness that’s conveniently inserted in between two months of hell. March 30th, Monday. The sun was shining way too bright that day; some would say it’s a perfect day to go out for a stroll in the Golden Gate Park. I honestly would have too, if I wasn’t busy hyperventilating on my bed.

“Natto, what should I do?!? I mean, it’s going to be so awkward if it’s a no go, and what if-”

“Oh my god, calm down Jim. Just be who you are and do what you usu-”

“You don’t get it Natto! You don’t get what I’m feeling, it hurts! IT HURTS! I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t-”

“Just shut up and calm down! I said already, that I know how you feel! I’ve been through this and I-”

I slammed my laptop shut and jumped back onto my bed. I laid there staring at my wall which reflects a pale white. I was thinking back on all the things that had happened to me in the past 2 months to try and calm myself down. It wasn’t really helping though, because what happened about a month ago was what gave me the courage to do what I was about to do the next day.

The truth is, Natto was the first girl to ever ask me out. It was actually pretty hilarious too, because the day she asked me out was a day I felt as black as the date itself. That’s right, it was Friday, February 13th. She decided to confess her feelings for me a day before Valentine’s Day, which coincidentally (or maybe by fate) was also Friday the 13th. To put in simple terms, I peed my pants. Not literally of course, but I may as well had. I’ve always lived my life up to that point thinking super negatively about myself. I act like a cheerful, annoying, loud guy on the outside, but on the inside I think about how ugly I actually am. So ugly that girls would see me and compare me to bearded homeless people on the streets, or maybe worse. I think about how I have no future and that no one is ever going to like me. With that in mind, it wasn’t all that surprising that I freaked out when she asked me out.

She was a good friend to begin with; a very understanding and realistic girl. She may not have the best looks, but for me, a person’s personality and heart is what matters most. My heart was racing, as if I was on a rooftop trying to decide whether or not I should jump off. Even though I didn’t have romantic feelings for her, I felt that maybe I should try it out. The confession took about 30 minutes, and surprisingly, it was all done in Japanese. I mean, she is half-Japanese, but both of us had similar levels in terms of knowing the language. After about 30 minutes I finally managed to pull myself together and, with a bit of courage, murmured “Give me some time to think about it, I’ll tell you next week.” By then, it wasn’t a surprise to anyone if I were to say no. My friends Tiffy and Elsie were both there watching the whole confession fold out. As soon as Natto left the room, I broke down. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I explained my feelings to them, my hands were shaking, and I was just lying there on the table, like the mess I was.

“If you don’t want to be with her, then just say no,” Tiffy said with her usual “voice of justice”.

“Try not to make her feel too bad Jim, but don’t say yes just because you don’t want her to be sad,” said Elsie.

“Yea, I’ll think about it over the weekend.”

That night, and the two days after that, I skyped day and night with Tiffy and Elsie and finally came to the conclusion that I’d have to say no for the good of both of us. So that’s what I did. It was tough to say it, but it must’ve been worse for her. I took her to a corner in the room she asked me out in and told her how I felt. It’s not an experience I wanted to go through again, but it went more smoothly than I had imagined it would.

Now in most stories like this, the girl who gets rejected usually goes into depression, never talks to the guy again, and maybe even hates the guy. But this is what makes this story unique. Because of what happened, Natto and I became very close friends, and by very I mean VERY . I started telling her almost all of my personal thoughts and feelings; such as how I felt about myself, how I think too much, how I think of other people, etc. These conversations eventually lead up to me talking about how I wanted to ask this girl named Yoshi out. Yoshi was a friend of ours. She wasn’t exactly really close to either of us, but she was a good friend. I met her in my 9th grade Modern World class, but we never really spent time together. I didn’t really understand why I liked her, as we don’t talk a lot, and the only good memories we share are the times where we sing duets in Japanese Club. Nonetheless, she was a good girl, and it’s not really a surprise why I started liking her.

By the time we started talking about this, it was already the week before Spring Break. I decided that I wanted to confess to her over the break, but I didn’t know what I should do or how I felt about this. After a lot of talking and arguing with Natto, I decided I was going to invite Yoshi out to a casual dinner with just the two of us. We were going to eat at this nice place, and after the meal, I would lead her down to a quiet place and confess. It was the perfect plan, but I just couldn’t stop freaking out.

I opened up my laptop again and called Natto.

“Hey, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. Just calm down dude.”

“Yea. I just don’t know this feeling I have you know? It feels like I’m on a rollercoaster, but all I’ve been doing is going down, as though my heart never got a break.”

“Hey, we already went through every situation that can happen right? And you’re already prepared for a “no”, so man up! I’m a girl and I was stronger than you, what are you doing weeping by yourself on your bed anyways?!”

And so we went on and on until the darkness of the night struck us. I finally calmed down and went to sleep early. Tomorrow was going to be a big day, bigger than any other day in my life thus far, and I needed the extra sleep and confidence. Of course, I couldn’t really fall asleep. I was shaking too much to actually be able to relax my muscles. I felt like my stomach was acting up and that I was about to puke at any moment.Well, I did fall asleep eventually, but it probably took a few hours.

I woke up at noon the next day. Yoshi and I agreed to meet up at 2 p.m. and eat dinner at 4:30 p.m., but I just couldn’t wait. I picked up my phone and texted her. [I’m going now.] That day might’ve been the day where I spent the longest time dressing myself up. “Be yourself,” I thought. “Just be yourself and everything will be fine.” I got to the promised meeting place an hour early. It was a nice day. The sun, which woke me up, was still shining as if it’s the last day it will shine. There weren’t a lot of people, except maybe those few cosplayers that like to wander the streets during the days looking for attention. She arrived, in a beautiful dress, about 30 minutes after I had arrived.

“Did I keep you waiting?”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I just got here about 3 minutes ago.”

“Oh, that’s good then, haha!” Her smile touched me, it was gorgeous, and as soon as I saw that smile, I stood up straight and started walking “professionally”.

“Let’s go.”

For the next 3 hours we just wandered around the place. Going shopping, talking to people, taking pictures, you know, the usual stuff.

“I’m really surprised you would agree to hanging out and having dinner with just the two of us.I mean, doesn’t this seem like a date?”

“Oh, haha, I don’t mind,” she said, half distracted.

“Oh, that’s good then.” She was too busy looking at keychains at the bookstore.

“Do you want that? I can pay for it.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine.”

Of course, I was thinking too much about dinner to actually focus on what I was doing with her or what I was saying. I mean, I didn’t space out or anything. I was just, hyperventilating the whole time, and I’m pretty sure she noticed. Anyways, the few hours felt like a few days. When the clock struck 4:30 p.m., it felt almost as good, if not better than when the clock strikes 3:30 p.m. on a Friday.

“Man, we’ve done a lot of things already. I’m starving.” I finally said.

“Yea, me too. Let’s go get dinner!”

“Ha! I don’t think you’ll be able to move after the dinner tonight. I hope you can eat a lot.”

The line for the restaurant was as long as always, but just being with her at that moment felt like the line was never there at all. Her voice seemed to stand out more than the pop music blasting in the background, sweeter than the crepes we just ate, and her scent was so magnificent that it blew away the strong barbecue smell in the air. I thought at that moment, that if time could just last like this forever, I’d have no regrets. But of course, time had to continue, and we were admitted into the restaurant. We ordered our food, a lot of it too, and continued our talking. Most of dinner was just casual chatting and eating, until she brought something up that changed the mood entirely.

“So you said you were going to tell me who you like?” she said as I shoved a barbecue garlic chicken down my throat.

I coughed. I coughed real hard. The moment she said that, it felt as if the garlic chicken in my throat expanded, attempting to get rid of me. Maybe it was trying to protect me from saying anything stupid.

“I’ll…tell you after we finish. You know, so I don’t choke,” I finally muttered.

“Haha! Yea, sure.”

From this point, the rest of the meal went rather awkwardly. Neither of us really talked, except the constant “Arigatoo (Thank You)”s that came from her when I put food onto her plate for her. We ended up finishing dinner about 30 minutes early. By now, my plan was as ruined as my GPA was after finals week, but I had to continue it no matter what. I mean, it’s too late to change anything right now. So I told her to wait for me outside the restaurant as I paid for the meal.

“Seventy….eighty…ninety…” I counted the cold flimsy cash as I dialed Natto’s number.

“Never mind, no point,” I thought.

I didn’t really trust my own judgement at that moment. I didn’t really want to trust anything either. I took the longest stroll out the restaurant, like it was a walk towards hell. I felt as if Hades himself was pushing me forward. In my head I could hear voices “Don’t be scared, it’s all going to be over…” It wasn’t a sinister voice, but it wasn’t a soothing one either, but like I said, it’s not like I was thinking clearly at this point.

“Sorry for making you wait. I had to calculate the tips.”

“No problem!”

Her sweet voice made me forget all of my troubles again. I came so far, I had to do it at this point. If I back out now, I might as well go back into the restaurant and grill myself. So I did it. I took her hand and walked her over to the plaza of the park. I sat her down on a bench where no one was around. The sun was setting in the horizon, and it was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen. The bright orange was contrasting with the dark yellow on the horizon. It felt like even the heavens were supporting me for my cause. The evening wind was coming in, synchronizing with the chill that I was getting from being nervous about the whole situation. I lifted my head and looked at her in the eye. Her face looked way too excited for the situation. Did she know what was going to happen? Did someone tell her from the beginning that I was going to do this? It was no time for thinking. At this point, it was just do or die.

“Hey, Yoshi…this might ruin your mood, but…”

“What is it?” she said, still with that excited look on her face.

“I don’t know…should I really say it?”

“Say it!” again, with that excited look on her face. Except this time, she sounded even more excited.

“Alright…Yoshi…will you,” I paused. I didn’t want to, but nothing was coming out of my mouth. Maybe it was the evening wind, but for some reason my mouth felt like it was frozen. I was so close, but it felt as if I couldn’t do it, as if the inner coward in me has finally taken over my body.

“Will I?” she said. Her sweet, beautiful voice. It was her voice and her face that gave my courage. I took a deep breath, and at that moment my mind went blank again.

“Yoshi…will you go out with me?” I screamed. It wasn’t screaming out of desperation, but it was a question with a strong backing. It was a question filled with courage, and I finally said it. It didn’t matter if she said no or not anymore, but I was just glad that I said it.

“Oh my god, I had a feeling this would happen! Oh my god, I don’t know…”

She was freaking out, but I didn’t care anymore. I felt like a 5 ton weight just lifted off my shoulders, but that wasn’t the end. There was another 5 tons waiting for an answer. The answer that may be the dreaded “No.”

We both sat there in the chill silently, but nervously as Yoshi scratched her head and stroked her hair. She obviously looked like she had a hard time with the decision. I didn’t know, and I still don’t know what she was thinking about at the time, but her reply really revealed how hard it was for her to answer this question.

“Well…can it be between a yes and a no?” she finally said.

Between a yes and a no? What does that mean? Am I being pitied? I really didn’t know. At that point, cold sweat was just running down my back as I look into her eyes. I started muttering things… “Between…? Yes…? No…?” I probably didn’t look like it at the time, but I was scared. I was relieved that I asked, but I couldn’t calm down at all. My heart pounded against my chest harder than ever, my breath louder than the wind was, and my fists tight waiting for a reply. It felt like hours has passed already and I still haven’t received a response from her, but I’m still waiting. I’ve been anticipating a no for a while already, but I still want to believe in that “1%” chance that she will say yes.

“Well, I mean…it’s a yes, but I just don’t want my parents to know, and I don’t want it to spread around…”

“So it’s a yes?”

“Why not?”

Her face was so flustered, almost as flustered as mine I would say. But at that point, I really didn’t care about the small details, nor did I want to. I was feeling such a big rush of dopamine that I didn’t know what to feel.

“So, what now?” She asked, after a few moments of silence.

“I-I don’t know…I’m just so…I don’t know how I feel right now, I-”

“You should calm down.”

“Yea, I should. I’ll go wash my face, excuse me.”