The floor length, sleeved floral dress is the burqa of white, fundamentalist Christians, and if it were up to them, every American girl on campus would be rocking an outfit stitched together from old drapes instead of the gloriously revealing Lululemon pants they do now. You know, the ones that turn a 5’s ass into an 8 and an 8’s ass into whatever looking at the Face of God is like. (Staring at a 10’s ass in yoga pants is like looking directly at an eclipse, you’ll go blind). Ironic, then, that these divine asses are being shamed and forbidden by the very men who claim to be godly.

I’ve seen a lot of crazy signs from campus preachers over the years. “Whores burn like s’mores,” “If you’ve got room for more than one man, hell’s got room for you,” “Your penis is the flesh incarnation of evil” (that one might have been feminists, actually), etc. Never, though, have I seen insanity quite like this picture, from the campus of George Washington University UC Irvine.

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Granted, I can see why fundamentalist Christians would hate yoga pants. They combine two of the things that group hates the most: female sexuality and eastern religion. That’s just a whole lot of blasphemy and sinnin’ in one tight, erotic, and thankfully, perfectly acceptable piece of everyday clothing. “Elephant gods and vaginas?” asks the preacher, “No thank you very much, sir. Give me a good old fashioned white man with a beard and closed eyed, one position sex, like the Lord intended. If He wanted us to use other sexual positions then He wouldn’t have invented the best one first, dammit!”

While I respect religion, and people’s right to free assembly, free speech, blah blah blah, as well as identify as Christian, this kind of absurdity is not only useless, it’s harmful. It’s harmful to Christianity, to women, and to my boner. So go away, crazy preacher man, because I like all three of those things.