Wow. This has got to be the best Craigslist ad ever:

With those cold depressing days of winter behind us, if you can’t frolic through the wildflower fields of Southern California, then what better way welcome the warm weather than sprucing up your boring apartment with a little spring decorating. Hurry now because this original Samantha H. coffee table won’t last long. What? You’ve never heard of the Samatha H. collection? Maybe that’s because you’ve never been to a brothel or visited enough public bathroom stalls where you surely would have seen her name etched on the wall. Samantha H. is my ex-girlfriend and two weeks ago I plowed her on top of this coffee table before she squeezed her fat ass back into her size 12 jeans and went out to the Pig’N Whistle and banged my best friend (who she’s now dating). Don’t let the glass top fool you. It’s 3/8″ thick, can take a pounding and cleans up fast (personally I suggest 409’s spermicidal-antibacterial all surface cleaner).

Update: It looks like the original Craigslist ad got flagged and is no longer up, but you’ve got the full text to read, in all its glory, above.

Edit: Changed the name in the above to only include a last initial.