5. I hate the color of your uniforms. The faded yellow? The black?

You know when you finally stumble out of bed at 2:30 PM in college, after an all-night bender, and you’re so dehydrated that you can barely open your mouth enough to F-bomb your way to the toilet for an 11-minute leak that is full of enough alcohol to immediately be rebottled and sold as clinical strength disinfectant?

Urine-colored uniform pic, courtesy of Stack.com

And when you do go, it’s this kind of dangerously murky, abysmal yellow that is basically your kidneys and liver shooting up emergency flares telling you to drink some goddamn Gatorade and sit the next night out? And the only thing sadder than that yellow stream, hosing down that dirty porcelain nightmare, is the blackness of regret that you feel about getting into a fistfight with two of your buddies over who ate the last slice of pizza when you were actually just mad that you went 0–6 in beer pong and 0–6 in hitting on members of the opposite sex?

That’s Iowa’s color scheme.