Do Like Me. Sit Down To Pee.

I have recently begun sitting down to pee. I know what you're thinking. That I'm a pussy. Well, you're wrong. I'm smart and resourceful and completely comfortable with my (hetero) sexuality.



Before I go into the amazing benefits of sitting while peeing, let me say that I do not sit down to pee in public restrooms, for personal hygeine reasons, and so I will not be murdered in the bathroom at a Celtics game. Let's also take a look at the overrated phenomenon of standing while peeing. First of all, it's a bunch of macho posturing. You know, "Hey, check me out, I have a cock, and I'm standing up and I'm pissing." But then look beneath the urinal and tell me that it's clean and dry. It never is. It's fucking filthy. Standing up and peeing works really well outdoors, and, as I mentioned above, in public. But when it comes to the sanctity of your own home, you'd be a fool not to sit.



Allow me to illustrate the benefits of sitting down to pee:



1. Rest: Say you awake at 3:47 am, and you have to pee. You're so sleepy you can hardly keep your eyes open. Why stand and pee? Give me one good reason. Sit down, close your eyes, rest. You don't have to lean against the wall to brace yourself. You might even get in 20-30 seconds of shuteye.



2. Cleanliness: I do not care who you are, how long your penis is, or how great your aim is, more often than not, urine will end up in places other than the water. It may hit the toilet seat or the rim (especially at night), you may miss altogether (that first spurt can be hard to gauge), and even a clean shot into the toilet can send tiny droplets of spatter onto the seat, the walls, or the leg of your significant other who is brushing his/her teeth at the sink next to you. When you pour your coffee, do you hold the coffee pot three feet above your mug? I doubt it.



3. Ease: Some of us wear glasses. If you're like me, you can't even see two feet in front of you without them. When I need to pee at night, I don't even have to put my glasses on before going to the toilet. I can find the seat. I can sit my ass down on it and rest assured that I'm not pissing on the floor. I can rest my tired head in my hands at the same time, if I want.



4. Multi-tasking: How many of you standers can read a magazine, brush your teeth and pee at the same time. That must look pretty funny, and I'm sure that you're making a mess. Not me. I sit down, I pee, and at the same time, I can brush my teeth and read a short article. I can pee while blowing my nose, and the change in internal pressure is not an issue, as it would be if I did this while standing. Try using both hands to blow your nose while you pee standing up. With your hands occupied and unable to act as a guide, your penis may do some weird, totally independent stuff, and the stream may make a detour you may not be ready for. Once you start peeing while sitting down, you can do whatever you want with that 20-30 seconds of your life. Work a crossword puzzle, learn Russian, make a grocery list, write a poem, pet your cat.



Men, don't be a victim of generations of macho bullshit gender stereotyping. You can sit down to pee. And if you do it in the privacy of your own home, nobody will laugh at you. You may find that you're more a more well-rested, more relaxed, and more well-rounded man, and you most certainly certainly will have fewer pee stains on your pant leg.