After Accumulating $999,999,999, Man Stops Earning Money So People Won’t Get Mad At Him

NEW YORK, NY—Successful businessman Kelvin Wood was alarmed when he checked his bank account. His net worth was now $999,999,999, putting him dangerously close to having an evil amount of money. “Oh no! People are going to hate me if I earn even a dollar more!” Wood remarked before shutting down all the businesses he owned to make sure he stopped earning more money.

Wade Hansen, one of the workers laid off, was initially bitter but accepted the explanation. “It’s kind of devastating for me to lose my job since I have a family to support, but what’s that compared to a man’s soul?” Hansen said. “If you get a billion dollars, there’s no recovering from that.”

Wood also went about spending some money to put a buffer between him and having an amount of money that’s destroying this country. When he bought lunch from McDonald’s, he added, “You'd better supersize that; I almost have a billion dollars.”

“Oh no! Well, good luck in avoiding that,” the fast-food worker said before giving Wood his combo meal.

“I’m a big believer that we have to do something about inequality and fight those billionaires who have way too much,” Wood further explained. “That’s why I want to be nothing like them.”

Wood then went to join a protest of The Billionaire’s Club, a local club where billionaires gather to plot to do mean things with their billions. Wood brought a sign that said, “Billions bad!” and stood next to another protester, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, who had a sign that read, “Billions no more.”

“Hi, just another salt of the earth millionaire like you,” Wood told Sanders.

“Yep, nothing wrong with having millions,” Sanders agreed. “In fact, it’s a lot of fun. But billions... grrr!”

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