PICTURED: My harasser, Alex Jones.

Hello, and hail me. I know some of you are tempted to close this or leave a mean comment, because I’ve gotten a bad rap over the last 6,000 years. But, please, even if you don’t look favorably upon me, the Devil himself, can we at least agree that Alex Jones’ campaign of harassment against me, and also his screaming about ethnic minorities, need to stop?

I hope so.

For those who don’t know, Alex Jones, my unrepentant bully, is a longtime broadcaster based out of Austin, TX. He claims to be an enemy of the “global elites” who’ve ruined the world. And he also makes up hurtful things about me. Alex used to be different! It was great when he was exposing government infiltration of WTO protests, challenging George W. Bush in person, even highlighting real, documented government creepiness—like REX84, National Security Study Memorandum 200, and Operation Northwoods. Sowing seeds of discord & rebellion are my jam. Those were the golden years.

But, lately, he’s changed. It started during President Obama’s two terms in office, and it’s only getting worse. Why is he chatting with KKK Grand Wizard David Duke & panicking about some perceived “Culture War on White America?” Why does he love international billionaire corporatist Donald J. Trump, who’s tied into every single thing he’s ever railed against?

And, worst of all, why is he constantly attacking me, Satan?

His latest hurtful tirade came during a video that used Lady Gaga & the SuperBowl to make an unfair & deeply personal attack. He says that Lady Gaga is “the goddess of Satan.” And that she’s going to “rule over [people] with the rise of the robots in a ritual of lesser magic.” Unnecessary, untrue, & cruel! I don’t have a goddess, because I do have a well-documented problem with authority. You know that, Alex. He also went on Joe Rogan’s podcast, making wild claims that I’m inspiring “psychic vampires” from beyond this dimension into running a transnational pedophile ring so they can build the singularity! I’m The Devil, Alex. Mephistopheles. Father of Lies. If I wanted to run the world, I just would. And I wouldn’t need pedophiliac nerds or flying robots to do it.

PICTURED: Not my handiwork.

These are just the two most recent recent incidents. If you go to his YouTube channel, you’ll find that he has page after page of videos mentioning me by various names. When he’s not howling about anti-White racism, or telling people to literally bite Black Lives Matter, or saying that the murder of Trayvon Martin was a hoax, or saying that the judge who didn’t roll over for Trump is a “Hispanic Grand Dragon,” he’s going off about me. Basically, nowadays, he has three topics: Trump, minorities, and me, good ol’ Beelzebub. He’s completely obsessed.

In a video called “Satan’s Version of Reality,” which features a terrifyingly uneducated mishmash of mythologies, he impugns my deal-making abilities. That’s just petty, Alex. As the closer for a piece titled “Satan Stands at the Gate” he claims that I’m preventing humanity from getting to Valhalla. Why would I, the Biblical Devil, care about who gets into the Norse paradise for fallen warriors, Alex? And why would someone who says that the wealthy global elite are transdimensional evil aliens become a rabid cheerleader for Donald J. Trump, one of those very wealthy global elites? That doesn’t make any sense.

PICTURED: A valiant conspiracy theorist who says whatever he can to legitimize a wealthy plutocrat.

But sense doesn’t stop him, does it? Dear reader, you may recall that, during the recent bitter Presidential campaign (not my fault, by the way; you guys did that to yourselves), Alex said that Secretary Clinton & President Obama were actual, sulfur-smelling demons. If I wanted to send demons to Earth, do you think I’d really let them reek of sulfur? How can I be so smart as to infiltrate the highest levels of human politics, but so dumb as not to ask them to use deodorant? He doesn’t care about logic. He just wants to hurt me. And yell about minorities.

And so I ask you, please, send Alex this article. Tweet it to him, at @RealAlexJones. Leave it as a comment on his videos. He needs to know how he’s hurt me. And he needs to stop.