BENTONVILLE, AR—In a nationwide event this Thursday, Wal-Mart stores in more than 4,000 locations will be slashing customers’ throats from sunrise until sundown, the retailer announced. “In every section of the store, whether it’s electronics or produce, we’ll be cutting customers’ throats from ear to ear!” an official Wal-Mart press release read in part, adding that the throat-slashing event is not to be missed and is a once-in-a-lifetime offer. “We expect hundreds of thousands of customers to come out and experience our deep cuts across their internal and external carotid arteries, so get here early. And bring the kids!” The statement confirmed that in addition to slashing customers’ throats, the store would also be cutting arms and legs down by half.

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