Barack, can we, uh, talk for a few minutes?

Oh, nothing. It's just that it just seems we haven't had a chance to talk for a while. I mean, I know we've both been busy for the past year or so. You with your fundraisers and golfing and stuff, and me with all those appointments at the unemployment office. But you know I think it's important in a relationship like ours to keep the lines of communication open.

So anyway, I've been think that... look, this is really hard. God. Do you remember when we met at that big party in Denver back in 08? I mean when I saw you across that crowded convention floor, it was like, Oh My God. I don't think I ever saw anything like you before. I was on the rebound from a bad relationship and you were so tall and articulate and, well hot. And then I couldn't believe that of all the democracies in the room you picked me out!

Yeah I know my some of my friends warned me you were trouble, and that it was the alcohol talking. But I knew that if we gave it a chance we could make it work. You and me, together. And after you moved in, I really think we did for a while. I mean, you've really helped me get over my inhibitions and hangups, and I like to think I've really helped you grow and discover yourself. Like last year when I lent you $800 billion to pay for your demo tape and new rims for the Cadillac.

No, no. I'm not asking for the money back now, Paul Krugman told me you're good for it. And please don't think I don't appreciate all the constructive criticism. It's important for me to know when I'm not meeting your needs and when I'm holding you back. Look, I know I'm not the prettiest democracy in the hemisphere, and I really can't blame you when your eyes wander to Spain or Venezuela. It's just been kind of hard to pay attention to my appearance since losing my job.

Speaking of that, Mr. Hu called again today about the rent. I don't mean to be a nag, but did you get a chance to drop my check off? Oh yeah, the baillout thing with Goldman Sacks. Yeah, I guess you did mention that. Oh well, I'll call Mr. Hu and see if he'll take another IOU till the 15th.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I guess what I was trying to say is that those early days were magical. But, well, maybe magic isn't the best basis for a... Shit. Look, maybe the best way to do this is just come out and say it. I think it's best if we take a break.

There, I said it.

Come... come on Barack, please don't be that way. And don't act so surprised, I mean you must have at least seen some of the approval rating signs. Tea Party? No, Tea Party didn't put me up to this. Yeah, sure I've see him around the neighborhood. I mean, what am I supposed to do while you're off vacationing with your friends? Sit around this place without a job and watch MSNBC? No, it's platonic. So far. And for your information, Tea isn't the retarded Nazi racist loser your friends are always painting him to be. And guess what? He listens to me and seems to like me for what I am, and doesn't expect me to wear that stupid complicated Scandinavian nurse outfit like you gave me for Christmas. By the way, the charge card bill from Frederick's of Stockholm just arrived yesterday. $1 trillion, Barack? Really?

Look, let's be civil adults and not let this descend into yelling. It's really not you, it's me. We both know you deserve a better democracy than me. I mean, let's face it - you're cool and urbane and Euro and sexy; I'm frumpy and overweight and not that bright. You've said so plenty of times yourself. And you're probably right that I'll never quite understand you. But I think I know you well enough now to understand you'd be happier with a different country to govern.

Tax cut? Please Barack, I appreciate the gesture, but it's a little late for romantic gifts. Don't embarrass both of us. Let's just go on from here and remember the good times. Don't worry about me. I know it'll be hard, but I need to show myself I can make it without you. Somehow.

In the meantime, we'll always have Denver.