What did you do when the clocks went back this weekend and you were presented with the gift of a 25-hour Sunday?

Did you sleep in? Did you head for the DIY store? Or did you seize the moment by watching the worst movie ever made?

I settled down with some popcorn and a stiff drink to catch up with a recent release called United Passions.

The blurb announced it was a French film. In my in my mind that means subtitles, more smoking than necessary and some startlingly candid sex scenes to distract the viewer from the subtitles, smoking and the lack of any discernible a plot.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I discovered United Passions is a film about FIFA, made by FIFA and, presumably, watched only by FIFA executives whenever Sepp Blatter has houseguests around.

The movie cost around £20 million to make and, having premiered at Cannes in June, it is now popping up in cinemas around Europe without warning or protection, like the Ebola virus.

The cast list had promised something almost bearable, since it stars Tim Roth, a Quentin Tarantino favourite of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs fame. But Roth plays Sepp Blatter, no less. That’s one hell of a casting call. I only hope Roth has found a new agent since then.

This Roth/Blatter character is handed some classic lines. At one point he cries: “Everything I have done at this point has been for the good of football”. And at another: “The slightest breach of ethics will be severely punished”.

Never has a script cried out for Pulp Fiction’s Mr Blonde to appear, armed with a razor. To make cuts in the script, obviously. Alongside Roth is Sam Neill, from The Piano, Jurassic Park and The Hunt For Red October. He plays Joao Havalange, the Brazilian superhero administrator - or the liver-spotted dictator who was FIFA president until resigning in a massive bribery scandal, depending on your view.

The plot is men in suits talk, the English are gits - racist gits, in fact - and three suave chaps save football for the world. There is the occasional cutaway to a goal by Pele but it ends with everyone being locked up for corruption.

That pretty much sums things up, apart from the last part. It seems Blatter was allowed to make amendments to the final screenplay, which could explain his depiction as human rights activist who is no way corrupt and wrote out those personal cheques only because FIFA’s bank account was empty. Yes, I laughed, too.

A proportion of the film also features Gerard Depardieu, the Vladimir Putin footstool and part-time barrage balloon. He plays the creator of the World Cup, Jules Rimet. We can only assume Roth and Neill trousered cheques so vast they would make even Blatter blush in order to put their names to this potentially career-ending guff. Since Depardieu has no career left to speak of, I’m guessing that’s payback for the fact that parts of this movie were filmed in his new, tax-exile home of Russia.

I’ve seen more objective party political broadcasts than this tripe. It is the most extraordinary vanity exercise; a vile, self-aggrandizing, sugar-coated pile of manure where Blatter and Co manage to make North Korea’s Kim Jong-un look self-effacing.

If you want proof that football is a preposterous circus, you must see this movie. You’ll have to be clever because it’s not available in the UK. But wait until the clocks go back next year, or use the spare day in the next leap year. Don’t waste any actual time on it.

Massimo the clown has turned Leeds into a managerial circus

TO acknowledge the stack of autobiographies heading for the Christmas market, I ran through a specially compiled list of “Sports Books We’d Like To See… But Probably Won’t” on the show last week.

There was Luis Suarez’s Vegetarian Cookbook. Pride and Prejudice.

The Cardiff City Story: where Vincent Tan was pride and Malky Mackay was... well, you get the picture.

But right up there near top of the chart was Massimo Cellino: Everything I Know About Football.

This was illustrated with an appropriately blank notebook.We gave him too much credit, it seems.

In 22 years at Cagliari, Cellino fired 36 coaches. He has been at Leeds since January and already he has sacked Brian McDermott - twice - and Dave Hockaday as well as shoving out caretaker boss Neil Redfearn to bring in Darko Milanic, only to sack him after 32 days and bring back Redfearn.

After his latest debacle, Milanic declared: “I want to apologise to the supporters, they deserve better results.”

They do. They also deserve a better owner, one blessed with more of an attention span than a goldfish.

Usually at this point I’d say Cellino should sack himself. But if his idiotic behaviour to date is any guide, the clown would only re-hire himself the next day.

After this soundbite,I’m glad Suarez is in Spain

Here's Luis Suarez on his vile habit of biting opponents. “Everyone has differing ways of defending themselves”.

Oh, that’s what he was doing - defending himself? I’m not sorry the unrepentant, deluded fool is now in Spain. It means we have to hear less of his tedious denials. And we can start counting the days until he sinks his teeth into someone else from a safe distance.

Allardyce’s new brand of football

Comedian Russell Brand hijacked Sam Allardyce’s post-match interview to give him a kiss after West Ham’s win over Manchester City. Just think what Brand might have done if Allardyce had kept a clean sheet? Not that Brand would know what they look like.