The former Manchester United manager has been living in a £600-a-night hotel since July 2016 – racking up an enormous bill

Name: The Lowry hotel.

Age: Opened in 2001.

Appearance: “It delivers a tangible sense of something a bit different from the moment you step through our polished glass doors,” says the website.

Location: Chapel Wharf, Salford, overlooking the River Irwell.

Good place for a romantic city break? “Excellent”, according to almost 2,000 TripAdvisor reviews. “Terrible”, according to just 77.

I’ll bet it gets pretty booked up at this time of year. It does indeed, although we may have some last-minute availability.

Is it a double room? It is one of the hotel’s six prestigious riverside suites, each featuring a bold original work by the acclaimed artist Alan Rankle. It boasts river views and a separate living area and kitchenette “for the thrill of entertaining in a five-star hotel”.

Has it got free wifi? Yes.

OK, how much? Prices start from £600 a night.

That’s a bit steep. Have you got anything similar for, say, a tenth of the price? Travelodge is that way, pal. We’ve only got this suite free because of a late cancellation.

Oh really? Which big shot decided not to take up that bargain? The Special One.

You mean Jesus? No, I mean José Mourinho, the temperamental former Manchester United manager who was sacked on Tuesday, hence the vacancy.

Wait, why was Mourinho staying in a hotel? Trouble at home? Mourinho never bought a house in the area. He has been living at the Lowry since 6 July 2016, shortly after accepting the job as manager.

But that is a total of, um … It is 895 nights, to be precise.

At £600 a night? But that would mean a cost of, er … The bill comes to £537,000, not including incidentals.

In that case, perhaps you can do me a better price. The place will need some airing out if nothing else. We do offer a 15% discount on food and drink if you book direct.

Staying in a hotel for your entire tenure doesn’t exactly indicate confidence in your prospects. Why was he sacked? For presiding over the club’s worst start to the season for 28 years, capped by a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Liverpool last weekend.

How devastating. And now he has got this huge hotel bill hanging over him. Mourinho is expected to pocket about £15m in compensation for his dismissal. I’m sure he’ll live.

Do say: “I should have his problems, if not his room.”

Don’t say: “Hello, I’m Man U’s newly appointed caretaker manager. Is there a Premier Inn nearby?”