What is odd about Young's shortcomings as Slash is that in a traditional band, his job would likely be the most secure: he is clearly the most skilled musician in Paradise City, with a degree from Cincinnati's conservatory of music. ''I was classically trained, so I'm used to everything being built around minor chords,'' he tells me. ''But Slash plays almost everything in a major chord, and his soloing is very different than mine. It's all in chromatic keys. I really thought I could learn all of these Guns N' Roses songs in two days, but it took me almost two weeks.''

Unfortunately, Young can't learn how to look like a mulatto former heroin addict, and he holds the only position in America for which that is a job requirement. He only vaguely resembles Slash, and his bandmates tell him he looks like an Oompa-Loompa from ''Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.'' There's a similar problem with Paradise City's bassist, an affable, laid-back blond named Spike. Spike is built a little too much like a farmer. His shoulders are broad, and he actually looks more like Larry Bird than Duff McKagan, the bassist in Guns N' Roses. Spike is also partly deaf from playing heavy metal for so many years (he can't hear certain frequencies, including high-end feedback), but -- amazingly -- this doesn't seem to pose a problem.

Visually, the rest of Paradise City succeeds to varying degrees. Rob (the Monster) Pohlman, the drummer, could pass perfectly for Steven Adler -- if Pohlman hadn't just shaved his head and dyed the remaining bristles orange. (Dischner is upset about Pohlman's new haircut; a few days earlier, he had explained to me proudly that ''what sets us apart from the 22 other Guns N' Roses tribute bands in America is that we don't wear wigs.'') Trask is eight inches too tall to be Axl Rose, but he has the voice and -- more important -- the desire. He wills himself into Axlocity.

Dischner is the only Paradise City member who naturally looks like his assigned doppelg* nger, Izzy Stradlin', Guns N' Roses' original rhythm guitarist. He's also the guy who makes the trains run on time: he handles the cash, coordinates schedules and keeps his bandmates from killing one another. Before Paradise City, Dischner played in an Yngwie Malmsteen-influenced heavy metal band called Premonition, a group whose entire existence was based on the premise that Juan Carlos, the king of Spain, is in fact the Antichrist. To this day, Dischner adheres to this theory and insists it can be proved through Biblical prophecy. He lives with his wife, Kristi (an aspiring vampire novelist), in a small suburb of Cincinnati, and he peppers his conversation with a high-pitched, two-note laugh that sounds like ''wee hee!'' Over the next 36 hours, he will make that sound approximately 400 times.

By the time we pull out of Dischner's driveway at 12:30 a.m., it has already been an incredibly long day for Trask. He awoke at 2 a.m. at his home in Ravenna, Ohio, and immediately drove four hours to the outskirts of Cincinnati, where he spent the day cutting down a troublesome tree in Dischner's yard. After a brief nap, the band hooked up for a few hours of rehearsal before supper. Now Trask is about to drive the entire way to Virginia, nonstop. He almost never sleeps. Trask once drove 22 straight hours to Hayes, Kan., and played a show immediately on arrival. If the real Axl Rose had Trask's focus, Guns N' Roses would have released two albums a year.

There was a time when Paradise City had a tour bus, but they lost it last summer. This is not a euphemism; they literally can't find it. It broke down on a trip to Kansas City, and they had to leave it in a Missouri garage to make it to the club on time. Somehow, they lost the business card of the garage and have never been able to find their way back. Dischner tells me this story three times before I realize he's completely serious.

''We drove back through Missouri a bunch of times, we put up a picture on our Web site and we even called the highway patrol,'' Dischner says. ''But we lost the bus. And I guess there's some law that states you only have 30 days to find your bus.''