WASHINGTON—Slowly realizing that he had made a big mistake, Attorney General William Barr reportedly showed up to Congress to testify at 3 a.m. Thursday after reading an email wrong. “Oh man, I really screwed the pooch,” said the attorney general, who opened a briefcase full of evidence and prepared to fully cooperate with any requests or questions from House Democrats, before taking out his phone and furiously scrolling through his email app to find that he had misread the time of the planned testimony as the custodial staff began vacuuming around him. “I definitely thought it was weird that the hearing was so late, but I know Congress has been super busy, so I figured I should just set my alarm to 2 a.m. and grab some coffee on the way. I double- and triple-checked the location, but man, I really goofed up.” At press time, Barr just quietly said “Trump obstructed” to the empty chamber.

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