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THE GOVERNMENT has stood firm on its insistence that the 27 EU member states are united on the issue of the Irish border and the desire to ensure a hard border will never be enacted on the island of Ireland.

This insistence has come hot on the heels of a frank and cold admission from the European Commission spokesman Margaritis Schinas that “guys, the Brits are a pack of incompetent fools and it looks like a No Deal Brexit which means a hard border is happening, sorry”.

Trying to reassure an Irish public, whose memory stretches back further than Simon Harris’s Debs in 2015, that the EU could be counted on, the government stated “c’mon, relax, there is nothing from recent history that suggests the EU could one day sit down and put a gun to our heads. That’s crazy”.

Pointing the government to the Wikipedia entries for ‘Ireland bank crash 2008’, ‘IMF in Ireland’ and ‘that time in 2010 when Fianna Fáil rolled over and gave the ECB the keys to the motorised rapid fire dildo pistons and let the taxpayer take a pummeling’, the Irish public reminded the government that while the EU are grand most of the time they do “have previous”.

“Oh God love you, you’ve all probably been a bit worried about what a hard border could do to Ireland. But honestly, the EU has no history of suddenly selling one of its member states down the river as protective measure against themselves becoming part of an economically or politically damaging contagion,” the Irish government insisted.

Asked what plans it had in the event of a hard border becoming a reality, which seems increasingly likely with each passing day, the government quickly ushered us out a window on the 5th floor.