Don’t worry, there are no The Force Awakens spoilers ahead! We promise! We’re not that mean. Star Wars Episode XII: The Empire Sharps Back

Cast of Characters

Chancellor Palpetine → Emperor Sharp

“Yes, yes. Let the hate flow through you.”

“I can feel your anger. It gives you focus… makes you stronger.”

“Remember back to your early teachings. ‘All who gain power are afraid to lose it.’”

“I AM the senate!” What else can we say? A chancellor turned emperor. He never really seemed like a good guy, but then he really sealed the deal that he was a bad one.

Stormtroopers → Corps of Cadets

“Do you know what’s going on?…. Maybe it’s another drill.”

Good at following orders, bad at critical thinking. You can’t tell these guys apart, they stay in groups, and somehow they’re always on a mission.

Han Solo → Johnny Manziel

“Look, Your Worshipfulness, let’s get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: me.”

“I expect to be well paid. I’m in it for the money.”



A loose cannon “scoundrel” who works for himself and decides to leave early and just take the money instead of supporting his friends. Likes to hang out with his pals in bars. He always seems to have a fat guy on his ass about money and being a professional.

Chewbacca → Mike Evans

“Grrrwaaaaaarggggh”

Follows his partner-in-crime wherever he goes. Mostly known for just being a good sidekick, but has done some pretty cool things himself.

Anakin → Darth Vader = Kyle Allen

“You’re going to need me on this one, Master.”

“You were the chosen one!”

Probably the best example of a fall to the Dark Side. How could such a cute boy become hated by so many? Gives special meaning to the word “interceptor” (there’s one for the real Star Wars nerds). He was destined to fix everything, but nothing corrupts quite like a little fear can. Maybe we all put a little too much faith in him?

Jar Jar Binks → Student Senate Speaker Aaron Mitchell

“Wesa got a grand [New] army. That’s why you no liking us meesa thinks.”

“Yoosa should follow me now, okeeday?”

This goofy character think he is helping, and every once in awhile he accidentally does something right.

Yoda → Rodney Hill

“When 900 years old, you reach… Look as good, you will not.”

This sagacious teacher has been around for eons and has mastered the force. Also he’s tenured so he doesn’t have to give a single f**k about what he says.

Jedi Council → Board of Regents

“If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.”

This group of elders is out of touch with society. They think they are the good guys but tend to make bad decisions. They’re supposed to be on our side, but it sure doesn’t seem like it.

Death Star → Kyle Field

“Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!”

This place is always under construction by an empire that only cares about destroying other organizations. Things go poorly when the Rebels come to visit.

Obi Wan → Head Coach Kevin Sumlin

“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine”

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”



A lot of people see him as the hero. People tend to think he’s pretty good at what he does, and he has the respect of his peers. When the light’s shining on you, though, it’s easy for others to see your mistakes. Like that time his apprentice betrayed him and doomed the entire galaxy. Mistake.

Count Dooku → Offensive Coach Jake Spavital

“I have good news for you, my lord. War has begun.”

Paid off and lured astray by his evil master’s promises, audiences are surprised to find that he has been intentionally sabotaging things this whole time to set his own team up for failure.

P.S.: President Young looks eerily similar to Count Dooku, but Spav just makes a better bad guy.

Princess Leia → Miss Reveille

“I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but from now on you’ll do as I tell you, okay?”

A strong, independent, and capable woman, this princess knows what she wants – and that’s the end to tyranny. She is beautiful and she is powerful.. and she may or may not have had a cocaine dependency in the 80s.

Sand people → Walton Residents

“The Sand People are easily startled, but they will soon be back, and in greater number.”

Extremely territorial, angry, and detested by locals. They walk in single-file to hide their numbers. Stay away if you can. It’s not like you would want to get close, anyway.

Ewoks → Bonfire

These furry bipeds inhabit woody areas and use primitive technology in order to sustain themselves. Feel free to join them in one of their many cultural events. These include giving elaborate nonsensical nicknames and seeing how long you can stand the stench of an unwashed bandana around your neck.

Mos Eisley → Northgate

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

The Rebel Alliance → The Mugdown

“The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped; they’re more dangerous than you realize.”

Yeah, we went there.

-Bacon & Ags and The Mugdown Staff