Is there more to the Coalition's broadband policy than budget restraints? Could it be that Tony Abbott wants to take us back to a simpler, more wholesome time when there was more to life than GIFs?

The election is finally over. Well, for those of us who aren't Sophie Mirabella, who still awaits her date with destiny.

As with all changes of government, there is currently a lot of talk of mandates. However, despite the Coalition's drubbing of Labor, their policy to roll back the NBN enjoys only an anaemic level of public support.

So it's no real surprise that an online petition to save the NBN that started early this week has already become the largest ever petition of its kind in Australia.

But it's not just the 200,000 petitioners - who Malcolm Turnbull has already scoffed at from a great height - that want faster broadband. VoteCompass - and most major commercial polling done to date - has shown that it's not just Labor and Green voters who want to keep the NBN, but Liberal and especially Nationals voters as well. (We're not really sure what the Australian Sports Party's 1,200-odd supporters want, but their Senate candidate assures us that they'll work it out if and when they are accidentally elected.)

Turnbull helpfully pointed out in response to the petition that our incoming prime minister is not for turning. So here we are, one of the wealthiest countries on Earth, with a government that believes in TRON-like "Roads of the 21st Century" but which believes in internet of the copper age.

I was ashen at the thought of Tony Abbott's fibre to Malcolm's node plan, until the story of Blair McMillan got me thinking. McMillan was like any other Canadian guy with a Hasselhoffian hairstyle. Well, at least he was until one day in April this year when his son wouldn't come outside to play because he was too busy on his iPad.

This apparent loss of connection with his child drove McMillan to do what not many would dare. He gave up all technology that was invented post-1986. His family has been gladly reaping the benefits of this strange new-old world ever since.

This is a new-old world we too could be heading for thanks to the advent of Abbott's 1986 internet-lite. Think about it; the Liberals are famed social engineers - John Howard put flagpoles in schools to help remind us what country we live in. So what if Tony actually wants to help us go back to a simpler, more wholesome family-focussed time by breaking our addiction to the internet by actually breaking the internet?

The consequences would be felt almost immediately, with the 'budget emergency' disappearing away like sweat off Joe Hockey's brow. Workers the nation over would become more productive, getting on with our jobs rather than spending hours online reading about Miley Cyrus' probing tongue.

Without these distractions of Kardashian proportions, we would also be able to head home at 5pm everyday to play with, read to and tuck in our slim, active and tanned children. And it's not just our children who would be obesity-free. Without the need to stay glued to the couch in front of the TV, tablet in one hand, remote and smartphone in the other, we'd all have the time to jog, walk the dog and prepare a healthy three-course supper - a meal we'd be able to enjoy without having to worry if the right photo filter would add ambience to our latest food snap.

We'd also all grow smarter and wiser as we gave up on waiting for the Google search results to load. Instead, we'd use our memories and intelligence to answer questions and solve important problems like who was it that played the newsagent's assistant in series three of Sons and Daughters.

Our FOMO (fear of missing out) would vanish quicker than those few extra kilos, meaning we'd no longer interrupt human-to-human conversations to see if anyone has tweeted, tagged or texted us in the last four and a half nanoseconds.

No longer would we have to worry about downloading the latest episode of Breaking Bad in order to keep up with the peer pressure online. Instead, we'd all be out swing dancing, sipping malted milkshakes at the drive-in movies, and finding the time to head up to make-out hill.

Speaking of making out, couples would now be able to find the strength to look up from their defunct devices and into each other's eyes. The resulting wave of copulation would give our new PM more than a glint in his eye. A new baby boom would sweep the nation and our public finances away with it, as we all happily claim Gina Rinehart amounts of paid parental leave.

If a certain internet-avoiding, MacGyver-mulleted Canadian has showed me anything, it's that the Coalition's copper wire obsession really could be a return to the glory days for yore - a real utopia or Australiaopia as Mr Abbott will no doubt ask the Queen to rename us.

That is, of course, as long as you don't want to have essential future-proof infrastructure and all the economic, e-health, productivity, communications and YouTube benefits that will come along with it.

Josh Aitken is a copywriter and creative who has worked for some of the country's leading advertising agencies. Follow him on Twitter @joshaitken. View his full profile here.