I’m sorry that this is late, but I wanted to get it up this week instead of delaying it again.

Writer: Evan Katz

Director: Dick Lowry

Original Air Date: Sunday, May 6, 1990

Length: 94:55 (NBC airing, excluding the NBC sequence and preview commercial), 84:19 (VHS version, excluding preview commercial and misc.)

In 1990, Archie Comics was gearing up for its 50th anniversary celebration. On television, the two failed pilots from the 1960s were unheard of to the general viewing public, and the two 1970s TV specials were largely forgotten. “The New Archies“, which had originally aired in 1987, was re-aired on network television in 1989. A live-action movie featuring teen versions of the characters was going nowhere, but the rights were likely still locked up.

However, Archie Comics knew it needed something big to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Archie, and so we got this: a live-action made-for-TV movie adaptation, produced by DiC (which co-produced “The New Archies”), starring adult versions of the characters reuniting for their high school class’ 15-year reunion. It was meant to explore adult issues and appeal to the older members of the viewing audience that had a nostalgia for Archie while also being relatively safe for young kids to enjoy.

It aired during the May sweeps period as an NBC movie of the week and was seen as a pilot for a possible TV series. It got a primetime airing at 9:00 PM (EDT), after a rerun of “ALF” and a series called “227”.

I remember Victor Gorelick (the editor of Archie Comics) hyping it in his “Editor’s Notebook” in the sole Archie comic that I’d read at that point (Archie Comics Digest Magazine, No. 102, cover-dated June of 1990). He was going off the script, which he’d just read. I remember seeing a commercial for it on TV. Then…I somehow missed it. Maybe NBC wasn’t coming in clearly that day. Maybe I just forgot about it. Who knows?

It wasn’t until an unknown number of years later that I found a copy on VHS (probably at the local flea market). It had been released on home video on Tuesday, July 29, 1997, by New Horizons Home Video and retitled “Archie: Return to Riverdale” (which actually makes a lot more sense than the Tolkeinesque title that they originally went with).

But that’s not all. The fuckers edited it. Why? Who knows? But a lot of stuff was cut, most notably the flashback sequences to when the gang was in high school. Also, each of the videos seem to contain portions of the image that the other doesn’t, but that might be due to the TV-airing video that I have not being in full standard definition. Generally, RTR has more on the top and left, and TRABA has more on the bottom and right. Also, RTR is brighter. Therefore, each version is a mixed bag. Choose your poison.

So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna review the entire movie and take screencaps primarily from the “Return to Riverdale” version, which I’d transferred to a DVD-R back in 2007. For the cut material, I’ll be taking screencaps from a YouTube upload of the NBC airing that I saved early last year.

One more thing before I get into the story: be wary of this DVD release:

I have no idea of the region or even if it’s legit, but it lists an 85-minute running time, making it, despite the cover title, the “Return to Riverdale” version.

Okay, let’s dive in:

Holy shit, the movie’s in Hi-Fi!

“Tonight, NBC presents a world premiere movie.”

Both the NBC airing and the VHS version are preceded by a preview commercial, each of which is unique. I think the NBC commercial is more interesting. It has fun with comic-style visuals and promises a wild, crazy, and sexy Archie story that “they wouldn’t dare show in the comic book”.

By contrast, the New Horizons home video commercial is more nostalgic, trying to remind the older audience of the Filmation cartoons (they even play “Sugar, Sugar“). It’s also over two minutes long, being more like a movie trailer.

Nice job on the replacement title, assholes. If only they had a different one available…

The movie starts with some nice, leisurely paced shots of Riverdale to sell the intimate small-town image. Also, a slow AOR version of “Sugar, Sugar”, sung by a Bruce Springsteen wannabe Wilson Pickett, plays.

I’m not sure where the exterior scenes for Riverdale were actually shot. IMDb gives only one filming location: John Marshall High School in Los Angeles.

The music for this movie was composed by Mark Snow of future X Files fame. Cool.

Shots of Miss Grundy and Mr. Weatherbee are removed from the VHS edition (but their lines aren’t) in order to trim the scene by 7 seconds. This edit makes no sense, though, because Mr. Weatherbee is delaying helping Miss Grundy in favor of “working”, but the VHS edit makes him immediately go to help her right after that line.

Miss Grundy is played by Fran Ryan. She got a fairly late start in acting but had a long career, spanning 1965-1993 and racking up 143 credits. She died on January 15, 2000.

Mr. Weatherbee is played by David Doyle, most famously known as Bosley on the original “Charlie’s Angels” TV series. He had a prolific career, racking up 108 credits and working up until his death. He died on February 26, 1997, at the too-young age of 67.

Veronica is in Paris and makes a long-distance phone call to Mr. Weatherbee in Riverdale, asking if Archie will be at the reunion. There’s a “joke” about there being a bad connection.

Veronica Lodge is played by Karen Kopins. She had a fairly steady, albeit relatively brief, career from 1983 to 1990. After this movie, she was in only two more things, both in 1994. Overall, she has 24 credits to her name. I suppose, if you want to see a lot of her fairly quickly, check her out on “Dallas”, where she was a recurring character from 1988 to 1989.

Betty is an elementary school teacher somewhere. School lets out for the summer, and Betty is sad to be going two months without seeing the kids.

Also, it occurs to me that I have a pre-street date screening cassette of the movie, and the picture gets darker while that notice is on the screen.

Betty Cooper is played by Lauren Holly, who has had a long career, stretching from 1984 through the present day and racking up 88 credits. She’s currently a regular on “Motive” (again playing a character named Betty, amusingly). She was also in a lot of episodes of “NCIS” from 2005 to 2015 and “Pickett Fences” from 1992 to 1996. She was also on “All My Children”. In short, if you wanna see more of her, there’s no shortage of things for you to check out. Enjoy.

Betty’s boyfriend, Robert, shows up early. He and Betty are going to Riverdale for the reunion. He wants her to drive, so he can do paperwork.

Robert Miller is played by Matt McCoy, who has had a long career, stretching from 1979 through the present day and racking up 102 credits. Interestingly, eleven years after this movie, he was in an episode of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”. He was also in an episode of “NCIS”. He can currently be seen in some episodes of “Silicon Valley” and “Transparent”.

Anyway, Robert is jealous of Archie, but Betty insists Archie’s not an old boyfriend (but also can’t explain what he is).

Veronica thanks Mr. Weatherbee for the info that, yes, Archie will be at the reunion. She asks Smithers if he was ever tempted to go back to his first love, and he gets a great comeback: “No, madam, but only because I married her.” Interestingly, this might be the only mention of Smithers being married. Or maybe not. Who knows?

Smithers is played by William Glover, who had a long, albeit somewhat sporadic, career, stretching from 1952 to 1991 and racking up 45 credits. Fun fact: he was the guy that played Jacob Marley’s ghost opposite Brent Spiner’s Data’s Scrooge in the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” episode, “Devil’s Due”.

Anyway, Veronica wants Smithers to book her on a Concord to Riverdale. Smithers points out that Riverdale is a small-ass town, so Veronica is gonna have a chat with her daddy. Smithers shakes his head, and I love that.

Archie is about to join a big-city law firm and move out of Riverdale. He’s engaged to a woman named Pam, who has packed up all of his stuff and determined what goes to their apartment and what goes to the Salvation Army.

Archie Andrews is played by Christopher Rich, who has had a long career, starting in 1981 and continuing to the present day. He has 62 credits and counting. He was Eric Charming on the short-lived series, “The Charmings”, from 1987 to 1988, which is where I know him from. He was Miller Redfield on “Murphy Brown” from 1989 to 1997. He was Brock Hart on “Reba” from 2001 to 2007.

Pam is played by Christina Haag, who has had a long, albeit sporadic, career, racking up 23 credits from 1989 to 2014. This movie was only her third role.

Anyway, Archie’s heading out after “four long days and one little trial”.

Archie takes issue with Pam wanting to donate his varsity jacket and his mother’s toaster, the latter of which started a fire. I love Archie’s “A small fire” argument and Rich’s delivery.

Pam also wants to donate all of Archie’s belts, because she insists suspenders are a “statement”, and everyone at Archie’s future law firm wears them.

“You don’t.”

Hehehe, okay, that was cute. Any excuse to check out Pam’s chest.

Archie draws attention to Pam’s engagement ring in an awkward bit of exposition.

They kiss again, Archie fails to get Pam to come to the reunion with him (she’d be out of place, and she’d learned nothing at her own reunion), and she goes off to the city.

Archie decides he’s keeping his varsity jacket.

Moose and Midge are chiropractors practicing in Riverdale, and they’re currently treating Archie and discussing what they believe are his worries: seeing Betty and Veronica at the reunion and getting married.

Moose Mason is played by Jeff Hochendoner, who has racked up 28 credits in a long, albeit sporadic, career, stretching from 1989 to 2013. This movie was only his third role. Before anyone mentions it, yeah, he does look a bit like Biff from the “Back to the Future” films, which is appropriate, because Moose used to be violent in the comics. It’s hilarious that he’s now calm and discusses problems.

Midge Klump Mason is played by Debi Derryberry (cute name!), who has had a long, massively huge career, primarily in voice acting. Her acting career started in 1964 (followed by a very long gap of over two decades) and continues to the present day, racking up a staggering 207 credits (7 more than when I originally wrote that sentence)! Seriously, read her IMDb page. She’s amazing.

We then get an amusing scene in a psychiatrist’s office in which Jughead, a divorcee after a six-year marriage, is “scared stiff” of getting his son, Jordan, because his ex-wife is getting remarried. He has nothing in common with the boy.

The secretary interrupts, saying Mr. Weatherbee is on the phone and “demanding” to know if “Jughead” is coming to the reunion. In an amusing twist, it turns out that Jughead is the psychiatrist, and the intellectual-looking guy is his patient. Listening to Jughead talk about his problems makes him feel better about his own life.

Forsythe “Jughead” Pendleton Jones III is played by Sam Whipple, who had a long career from 1980 to 2002, racking up 49 credits. His career was cut short when he died at the young age of 41. I personally remember him as Dr. John Ballard on the 1998-2000 UPN sci-fi series, “Seven Days”.

The psychiatric patient is played by Chip Hipkins, a bit-part actor that has 6 IMDb credits to his name, spanning 1987-1993 (his resume lists 8 movie/TV roles plus 2 commercials and 2 print ads).

The next scene is Jughead and Jordan on a bus to Riverdale. The VHS edition cuts it down a bit, such as two more instances of Jordan saying “I don’t know, dad” and Jughead talking about interpersonal communication. All told, 12 seconds were lost.

Jordan Jones is played by Billy Corben (credited as Billy Cohen), who acted in only 4 things from 1990 to 1993 (this was his first) but managed to shift gears in 2001 and get into composing, editing, directing, and producing, almost entirely for documentaries, but he’s also executive-produced an untitled TV movie that’s set to air in 2017.

Hmm, it seems Reggie owns a health club in Riverdale.

Archie shows up at Pop’s.

Two of Pop’s employees are goofing off.

IMDb credits one of these characters as “Chip” (presumably the one on the right, although the one on the left seems to call him “Hitch”).

The unnamed one is played by Christian Hoff, who has racked up 41 credits from 1980 to 2014. They’re mostly one-time roles, but he notably voiced Richie Rich in a regular role from 1980 to 1981. He also sang at the 60th and 61st Annual Tony Awards in 2006 and 2007, and he was a supervising producer on a television documentary in 2015.

Chip/Hitch is played by Robert Munic, who has had less of an acting career, racking up 14 credits from 1989 to 2010, but he’s done production work from 2001 to the present day and directing and writing from 1993 to the present day.

Not bad for two guys that are playing brainless slackers here.

They’re planning on forming a metal band. They and Archie rib each other a bit.

Pop gets off the…pay phone…in his own business. Doesn’t he have a regular phone?

Archie Urkels around a bit. He and Pop discuss the world versus Riverdale and what matters most.

“Pop” Tate is played by Mike Nussbaum, who has had a long, albeit somewhat sporadic, career, racking up 42 credits between 1969 and the present day.

Pop does this thing where he pulls on Archie’s cheek, and Archie is annoyed by it (as would anyone). I don’t think this is from the comics. At least, I’ve never seen it outside this movie.

Archie refers to Pop as “Pops” throughout the movie, which is wrong, of course, and just sounds weird.

Pop has a saying: “What’s good for the kids is good for Pop’s.” I don’t think this is from the comics either.

Archie seemingly spots the Concord out the window.

The VHS edition cuts the end of the scene, where Pop doesn’t believe it and has a good laugh over it. Around 10 seconds were lost.

Reggie shows up and shoots the shit with Archie for a bit. Reggie learns Pam drives a BMW, so he invites Archie to Downtown Reggie’s Motors (that name seems slightly out of order) to get a new car – at 20% financing.

Reggie Mantle is played by Gary Kroeger, who has had a long (albeit sporadic) career, racking up 27 credits from 1982 to 2014. He was on “Saturday Night Live” from 1982 to 1985, and he did various voices on “Dilbert”. Also, he was an announcer or host on some game shows, and he wrote a 2001 movie called “The Chameleon”. He used to own a restaurant, and he now lives in his hometown in Iowa, where he’s a newspaper columnist, a blogger, active in the local theater, doing informercials, a creative director at an advertising firm, and running for the Iowa House of Representatives (insert obligatory “Reggie Mantle in politics” joke here). In other words, he’s busy as fuck.

The VHS edition cuts Pop throwing Archie out to discuss business with Reggie, trimming 13 seconds off the running time.

I like the “awkward” instrumental music that plays after Archie’s thrown out.

Archie is forced into Mr. Lodge’s limousine by his chauffeur for a nice chat. Basically, Mr. Lodge bitches about Archie, his driver (the sixth one this year), and the decaying country and then warns Archie to not fuck his daughter. Archie tells him that he’s engaged, and he and Veronica are just old friends. I love Mr. Lodge’s insults toward Archie. They’re so high-class.

Hyrum Lodge (according to IMDb, not “Hiram” as in the comics) is played by James Noble, who had a very long career, spanning 1950-2011 and racking up 70 credits (plus 2 producing credits late in his career). He’s most famous for his role as Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling on “Benson” from 1979 to 1986. He was also Dr. Bill Winters on a long-running soap called “The Doctors” from 1967 to 1968. He died on March 28, 2016, in Connecticut at the age of 94.

The VHS edition cuts out one small bit at the end of the limo scene. After Mr. Lodge says “Everything in Riverdale is my business”, Archie awkwardly says “I’m glad we had this little chat” and pats Mr. Lodge on the knee. About 7 seconds were lost.

Mr. Lodge is nice enough to drop Archie off at home.

However, Archie discovers the door’s been opened.

Upon entering the house, he arms himself with an umbrella.

But Jordan is armed with a squirt gun.

Archie chases the “little hoodlum” and lands flat on his face.

It turns out that Jughead has decided to make himself at home in Archie’s house, and he’s already been grocery shopping. Nice touch.

Jordan expresses surprise at his dad’s nickname, “Jughead”.

Jughead wants Jordan to say hello to his “Uncle Archie”, but Jordan points out that Archie isn’t his uncle and calls it a “super dumb name”. Archie calls Jordan “Jughead Junior”, and Jordan threatens “something really bad” if Archie calls him that again. Archie guesses Jordan takes after his mom.

As Jughead unpacks, Archie tries to make small talk. They hadn’t stayed in touch over the years.

Jughead unloads his problems on Archie, who tries to think of positive things to say.

The VHS edition cuts out a highly-important 20-second scene in which Jordan sneaks into Archie’s bedroom and puts Jell-O in his bed. Some of the sound, which bleeds into the next scene, is also removed.

Archie informs Jughead that Veronica is kicking off the weekend with a lunch and tea for all of her friends. Jughead awkwardly says Archie never drank tea in high school, and Archie even more awkwardly says he never drank anything in high school. What the fuck?

Archie catches Jordan about to plug in his mother’s toaster and tells him no. Jordan asks why. Jughead decides to handle it and firmly tells Jordan no.

Ha.

On the way to the Lodges, Jughead suggests putting on another tie, but everything’s packed. Jughead suggests turning what’s left of Archie’s necktie into a bowtie. Nice touch, because Archie used to wear a bowtie in the old comics.

Betty and Veronica meet up during Veronica’s lunch.

Veronica calls attention to Betty’s short hair (Betty cut it herself). Ugh. I hate when people do that shortly after I’ve gotten a haircut (it’s no big deal, everyone, it’s just hair!), but these girls haven’t seen each other in quite some time, so why does Veronica feel the need to point out the fact that, yes, Betty has changed her hairstyle over the course of fifteen years?

Veronica and Betty talk fashion. As expected, Betty buys on sale, and Veronica can’t even keep track of her brands, which makes Betty feel insecure.

There’s a funny scene in which Jughead is scared to go in, because Big Ethel might be there. Archie explains to Jordan who she is (see the Introduction page if you’re not sure). There’s a cute moment in which Archie and Jordan team up to pull Jughead out of the car.

Reggie is passing out his business card to people at the lunch. Moose, Midge, and their son arrive.

Moose tries to “align” Reggie’s neck, and Reggie tries to get away from the “big creep”.

Veronica checks to make sure that she and Betty are okay regarding Archie.

Archie sees them.

The VHS edition cuts out a flashback to high school (the TV airing awkwardly freezes and fades to flashback; the VHS edition simply edits together the present-day stuff). The same actors plays the characters as teenagers. Anyway, it’s a typical situation: Archie got the prom tickets today but can’t decide whether to take Betty or Veronica.

Okay, that’s a cute touch. For those of you that don’t know, there’s a replica of Rodin’s The Thinker in front of Riverdale High.

In total, around 46 seconds were cut.

Archie meets up with the girls.

It goes as you’d expect.

Robert comes by, introduces himself to Archie (he wants to be called Bob), and openly demonstrates his possession of Betty. What a jackass.

Jughead and Betty reunite.

Jordan gets a boner for Veronica.

Archie introduces Jordan as “Jughead Junior”.

We see a little over two minutes of the gang chatting and just shooting the shit. In summary:

Reggie talks up the automotive industry to Veronica. Veronica ditches him for Archie.

Miss Grundy tells Reggie to get his elbows off the table.

The VHS edition cuts out Moose’s story regarding fighting a parking ticket, which illustrates his unbelievable stupidity.

Yeah, that’d be my reaction too.

Around 26 seconds were cut. The only bit that’s kept is the end. Archie comes to hang out with Betty, creating an awkward situation.

Jughead blocks Reggie’s path for no apparent reason.

We learn writing didn’t work out for Betty (that’s a possible future career for her in the comics), so she moved to Midvale (the home of Josie and the Pussycats in the comics) and started teaching second grade. The pay is not great, but the kids are. Betty wants kids of her own.

Bob excitedly agrees. What a dick. He’s basically telling Archie, “Yeah, I’m totally gonna fuck your ex-girlfriend, repeatedly, so she’ll pop out lots of kids.”

Veronica comes by, salting Betty’s (nonexistent) game.

Reggie and Jughead banter about Reggie’s looks.

We learn Veronica had been taking care of business for her father overseas and trying to learn the languages.

Archie mentions he’s leaving Riverdale on Monday morning. He’ll be working for “the biggest law firm in the city”. Which city? He also mentions his engagement.

Bob approves.

After the commercial break, Miss Grundy offers a toast. Mr. Weatherbee says he has picnics, field trips, and a concert planned. Wow, what kind of budget does Riverdale High have that it can do all of this for a fucking reunion?

Oh, yeah, Mr. Weatherbee also drops a bombshell: the party on Sunday night will feature “the greatest band in Riverdale High history”, The Archies.

“What the fuck?!”

Jughead learns Moose’s son is the silent type.

The VHS edition cuts out the rest of the scene (around 14 seconds). Moose’s son (Max) opens up to Max, and they plot bad things to do to Archie.

Max Mason is played by Aeryk Egan. He racked up 35 credits from 1987 to 2002 and then quit acting.

Also cut is the very beginning of the next scene (about 4 seconds), before Archie and Bob start talking.

Anyway, Archie learns Bob was (is?) a womanizer. This makes him especially concerned when he learns Bob and Betty have been discussing getting married.

Archie unloads on Jughead about it, and Jughead tries to analyze him but then goes after some food.

Jordan asks “Uncle Archie” if Max can sleep over. Archie agrees to the “pajama party from Hell”.

Mr. Weatherbee comes to the conclusion that Jordan is Archie’s son and admonishes Archie for not being married. For some reason, Archie can’t just blurt out “He’s not my kid!”

After lunch, Bob and Betty leave.

While Archie’s waiting for his car to be brought around, Veronica takes it upon herself to make a date with Archie for tonight.

Archie notices Mr. Lodge saw the whole incident, which makes him uneasy, despite the fact that Veronica was the one coming onto him.

“Strike one.”

Archie wants some alone time with Betty (Jordan still has a boner for Veronica), so Jughead suggests he and Jordan take Robert on a little tour of Riverdale.

Betty is aware of Archie’s “dirty trick” and insists she doesn’t want to be away from Robert. She’d met Robert in a museum, which is where Robert picked up some girl before he’d met Betty. After a prompt from Betty, Archie goes off about Robert. We learn Robert is an “NBA”, which could mean anything but probably means National Business Association.

They go to Pop’s and sit in their old booth. Betty reveals she’s still writing stories, because she wants to be a writer in addition to a teacher. She has Archie take a look at her latest story (it has to do with an Easter egg hunt). The publishers say it’s “too sweet”, but Betty’s not giving up, because she has an unknown “something” to say.

Pop comes by with a surprise:

an old photo of Archie and Betty.

Archie and Betty reminisce a bit. Archie continues to call Pop “Pops”, which is weird. Apparently, Archie and Betty helped Pop paint the “store”, and they also cut class to go to the amusement park, and Mr. Weatherbee caught them.

Betty mentions an incident where they got caught in a storm and had to stay somewhere overnight. This actually kind of sounds like an old comic story that I’d read (or at least seen some scans of). If it is a reference, cool.

Anyway, Archie tries to trick Betty into thinking they’d fucked.

It’s getting late, so Archie goes to pay.

One of Pop’s employees tries hitting on Betty. Archie puts a stop to it.

Reggie is evicting Pop to expand his health club.

Outside, Archie is upset about what Reggie’s doing. Jughead drops an upset Bob off. He had gotten “lost”. After some banter, everyone leaves, and Jordan is unimpressed with the “teamwork” that he and his father supposedly engaged in.

Archie visits Reggie at his health club and tries to talk him out of evicting Pop, but Reggie insists it’s “legal as an eighteen-year-old”. They argue for a while. Reggie offers to write Pop a check to open a new place, but that doesn’t satisfy Archie. I really like the writing and low-key acting in this scene. Archie is obviously upset at Reggie, but it doesn’t escalate into a shouting match.

After Archie leaves, Reggie calls his business partner to discuss the “community pressure” that he’s under from Archie.

Holy shit, it’s Mr. Lodge!

“Strike two.”

Note to filmmakers: If you need a shorthand way of conveying your character is a villain, put a framed photo of Richard Nixon in the shot.

That evening, Jughead is subjecting Jordan and Max to his dancing to “Sugar, Sugar” (the actual recording used in the Filmation cartoon). The VHS edition cuts a bit of the beginning of the scene. Jughead insists it’s him in the recording, which is a half-truth, since it’s Archie’s voice. Max is unenthusiastically impressed. Jordan says it’s okay.

Archie comes home.

Jordan asks if he and Max can go to bed now.

The VHS edition cuts the end of the scene, where a disappointed Jughead gives permission. All told, 12 seconds were lost.

The VHS edition cuts 7 seconds off the beginning of the next scene. As Jughead and Archie climb the staircase, Jughead says that’s the first time that Jordan asked to go to bed, and then he admits the song is “kinda dated”.

Archie brings up his attraction to Betty, and Jughead psychoanalyzes it. Archie is now more determined than ever to leave this town and, for once in his life, do something for himself.

Side note: I find Jughead’s declaration of “Wow” hilarious, considering Archie has undone his tie and unbuttoned his shirt and is now standing in very close proximity to Jughead.

The next scene has Archie getting into bed while talking with Pam on the phone.

The VHS edition cuts out a little over 4 seconds. Archie finds his foot covered in the Jell-O that Jordan had put there earlier.

Outside, a mysterious figure breaks into Archie’s house while sexy saxophone music plays.

It’s Veronica! Who would have guessed?!

Jordan wakes Max up in the hope that Veronica will let them gang-bang her.

Veronica enters Archie’s bedroom and commences Operation: Seduction, prompting Archie to awkwardly excuse himself and hang up on Pam.

I wonder who this might be.

Oh, it’s just Jordan hoping to see Veronica naked.

Archie says he has a fiancée. Veronica casually reveals she’s had thirteen. So is that in addition to all of the men? Okay, okay, I know what she means.

Archie tries to talk Veronica out of this, but she twists his meaning and reveals she thinks married couples should fuck as often as possible. And non-couples (one-half of which is engaged to someone else) too, apparently, considering her presence here.

But Jordan salts Veronica’s game and sabotages himself by talking (somehow, Archie and Veronica didn’t hear the ladder hit the wall), so Archie has Veronica “hold that thought” and tries to kill Jordan.

Max has difficulty holding the ladder.

Archie closes the curtains, much to Veronica’s delight.

After some ladder hijinks, Jordan hits a tree.

Veronica insists this isn’t a one-night stand and declares her long-time love for and deep understanding of Archie, but he doesn’t give in, which upsets her, so she leaves.

Archie stops her before she walks out, and they have a discussion about her love life and how he’s special to her. We learn Veronica’s been married four times, and Archie doesn’t want to be number five.

The boys have somehow made it back inside, and Jordan calls Archie a dork.

Veronica gets into what I assume is a rental car.



“Strike three.”

Mr. Lodge tasks his chauffeur with being “more convincing”, because he wants Archie to “never” see Veronica again.

Mr. Lodge’s chauffeur is played by Monty Bane, who has had a long, albeit sporadic, career, racking up 36 credits from 1976 through the present day.

The VHS edition cuts out the first scene after the commercial break. At breakfast, Archie discusses the Jell-O incident with Jughead and how he put the Jell-O back in the bowl, which is unfortunate for Jordan, since he seemingly helped himself to some of it. Max laughs at Jordan’s misfortune. 22 seconds were lost.

At Pop’s, Pop discusses moving expenses and the fact that he’s been here for forty years (which would mean he opened in 1950). Archie offers to be his lawyer and fight this. Pop pulls on Archie’s cheek again.

Betty and Veronica are playing tennis…somewhere. Jordan and Max pick up the balls for them.

The real reason for this free service, of course, is to be able to get nice views of the girls’ panties.

Betty catches Jordan, who doesn’t hide it at all, and Betty lets it go.

Veronica reveals she went to see Archie last night.

Betty is about to serve. The VHS edition turns it into a continuous shot.

However, in the TV airing, the video awkwardly freezes, and it fades to a flashback scene. Wow, they really shoehorned this in. It’s as if they hadn’t written a moment into the script where this flashback could have organically occurred.

Anyway, in the flashback, Betty and Veronica discuss their prom attire and who Archie will ask. They promise to not be mad at each other.

Veronica claims to not care who Archie asks, because she wants to live with a “tall, dark, handsome Frenchman” in Paris.

But then Archie arrives, and she immediately goes over to him. Ha.

Anyway, approximately 53 seconds were cut.

It suddenly cuts back to the present. As the girls play, Veronica reveals she’s telling Betty in the interest of fair play. She claims to not be pursuing Archie anymore, but Betty says she’s not going to do anything. Betty hits the ball hard, and it crashes into something and seemingly causes a traffic problem. Ha.

Archie meets with Judge Brown and vows to find a way to stop Pop’s eviction and a way to make the judge open court on a Saturday. The judge is impressed (even after Archie ruins one of his works-in-progress) but also takes a jab at Archie for moving into the city to defend criminals.

Judge Brown is played by Raye Birk, who has had a long career, racking up 109 credits from 1970 to 2013. He also played a judge on “Days of Our Lives”, “Murphy Brown”, and “L.A. Law”. He’s probably best known for playing Riley Pringle, the band guy, on “Coach”.

The VHS edition cuts off the last 7 seconds of the scene, where Judge Brown adds his latest completed bird house to his collection.

Betty confronts Archie at the public library while he’s researching. She demands to know if he fucked Veronica last night. He says Veronica broke into his house and “took off her clothes”, which is somewhat true but misleading. After more questioning, Betty is okay with it. She claims to be making sure that Archie’s being responsible to his fiancée.

She then reveals that’s a fucking lie, and she’s actually being jealous. She feels like a complete fool.

The VHS edition continues with the scene.

But the TV airing, of course, awkwardly freezes and fades to a flashback scene.

In the flashback, Betty is walking home from school.

She finds Archie on her front porch, playing his guitar.

Betty assumes Archie’s silence means he’s taking Veronica to the prom, but he decided to not take anybody, so nobody would get mad at him, but he guesses Betty’s mad anyway.

Betty says she’s not mad, but she’s also removing him from consideration in her future plans. Wow, that’s harsh, girl.

Betty brings up pursuing her writing dream. She’s leaving Riverdale on the day after graduation and going “up north” to attend a summer session of a “great program”. Instead of attending Riverdale Community (College) for three years, hoping Archie would get sick of chasing Veronica, Betty’s like “Fuck that shit”, which is actually a smart decision. As Betty puts it, she’s just making Archie’s choice for him.

Archie doesn’t want Betty to go, but Betty can’t wait for Archie to learn how to make up his mind. Good for her.

Approximately 1:43 was lost.

After an abrupt cut back to the present, Archie tells Betty that she’s not a fool.

He also reveals, ever since they talked about “the night of the storm”, Archie has felt regret that they didn’t fuck. Betty admits she felt it too and wonders what’s the matter with them. Archie insists it’s just nostalgia, but Betty isn’t sure.

However, Archie seemingly convinces her, which allows Betty to leave before kissing Archie. She thanks him.

That’d be my reaction, too.

However, the incident has helped Archie stumble upon the exact book that he needs.

Archie walks out of the library and tells Jughead and the boys to come on. What were they doing while Archie was in the library?

Jordan gets Archie with a whoopee cushion.

Ominous music starts up as Mr. Lodge’s chauffeur observes from a distance.

The gear shift coming off is the first of a few things (including the brakes being out and the ignition switch coming off) that go wrong with the car.

So, yeah, the chauffeur sabotaged Archie’s car, and so begins a long out-of-control drive around downtown Riverdale. It’s a classic Archie-style situation. What makes it even better is the music from “The Barber of Seville” plays during it, a perfect complement to the on-screen chaos.

Archie even crashes through the fence of a “Mr. Wilson”, which I feel is a way of comparing Archie to Dennis the Menace.

Archie ends up crashing his car right through the front window of Reggie’s health club. Nice!

The VHS edition cuts out the last 5 seconds of this scene. Jughead and Archie celebrate the chaotic ride like a couple of guys.

After the commercial break, it turns out that Archie was arrested. Judge Brown comes to the police station on his weekend to set Archie’s bail.

Archie insists it was an accident, but Judge Brown believes Archie did it deliberately in an attempt to stop the eviction.

Archie apologizes for ruining the judge’s weekend. The judge admires Archie’s zeal (if not his methods) and tells him to call the parties together; Archie has his hearing.

Later, Judge Brown convenes the hearing.

The VHS edition cuts a bit (4.5 seconds) where he asks for brevity.

Reggie’s up first. Pop Tate’s lease is oral; according to the code, Reggie can terminate it at any time.

The VHS edition cuts a bit (1 second) where Reggie says “This is the plan” (or something like that) before handing Judge Brown the paper.

Judge Brown says Reggie’s not the sole owner of the property; he’s in a minority position to Lodge Industries.

This surprises people in the courtroom – especially Archie, who immediately looks back to see a stunned Veronica.

Reggie provides Mr. Lodge’s written authorization for eviction.

Veronica gets up and leaves to have a little chat with Daddy. Why isn’t he here right now? A piece of paper with a signature on it is enough to convince Judge Brown to side with Reggie? Wouldn’t Mr. Lodge have to be present to confirm his authorization? Or at least have one of his lawyers do it for him? And why is this news at all? Wouldn’t Pop have told Archie that Mr. Lodge owns the property that his shop is sitting on?

Archie cites a case involving the landmark statute, and it gets people’s hopes up.

However, Judge Brown says it doesn’t apply to commercial enterprises.

Archie then asks to make a statement.

Reggie really doesn’t want it, but the judge allows it.

Archie gives a heartfelt speech.

Jughead, Moose, and Betty (the latter to Bob’s disapproval) go against Reggie, who insults each of them. Archie and Reggie also get into it. Judge Brown admonishes all of them.

Archie continues with his speech, which affects many people in the courtroom and earns him a round of applause. I really like it, too. Kudos to Evan Katz for his writing and Christopher Rich for his delivery.

Judge Brown decides this “most unconventional case” requires further study. He will render his verdict tomorrow morning.

The VHS edition cuts out the end of the scene. One of Pop’s employees tells the other to wake him up at 6:00 AM.

Also, Archie watches Pop leave and then walks out himself.

All told, 17 seconds were cut from the courtroom scene.

Outside the courthouse, Betty is impressed by Archie’s speech, but Bob isn’t. Betty figures out that Bob is jealous. Bob doesn’t think this Riverdale stuff matters.

Betty decides to let this go, because they’ll be back in Midvale in two days, but she wants him to promise her that he won’t insult what she thinks is important – “or Archie” (that’s unintentionally amusing). He totally doesn’t.

Veronica comes into the mansion and confronts her father.

Is she seriously wearing white gloves? How stereotypical.

Seemingly, Veronica’s “Mummy” (Hermione) is dead.

Playing the dead mummy card doesn’t sway Mr. Lodge, though.

Neither does Veronica screaming.

Mr. Lodge says Veronica will get over her anger at him, because she always has.

Archie arrives, his car apparently fixed.

Veronica comes out of the mansion. Archie gets out of his car and asks “Donald Trump home?” He even offers to talk to him.

I swear Veronica gives the most well-aged response ever: “He won’t listen. Just get me out of here.”

Mr. Lodge tells his chauffeur to try harder to “take care of this”.

The VHS edition trims about 1.5 seconds off the end of the scene.

It also cuts 15 seconds off the beginning of the next scene. Archie and Veronica get out of the car at the lake. Veronica says she misses this place. Archie agrees. Veronica adds she misses how they used to come here and talk about their problems and think about what they’d be like in the future.

Veronica says she can’t blame her father, because she’s done nothing but go to clubs, spend his money, and leave a trail of husbands behind her. She adds she found her Frenchman, but all that she got for it was her heart broken. She considers maybe she deserved it. She kept getting married in order to always have a “kitten” instead of a “cat”. Apparently, all of her husbands became jerks after the first anniversary.

Archie considers maybe Veronica having everything that she ever wanted has been more of burden than a blessing.

Veronica seems to agree.

Archie tells “Kiddo” that it’ll be okay, and they hug.

The VHS edition fades to black here. But the TV airing?

You guessed it: pauses and fades to a flashback scene.

An excited Archie runs up the stairs of the mansion and meets Mr. Lodge. He awkwardly explains “Veronica” and goes inside.

Mr. Lodge has a maid, who I think he calls “Betty”, follow him.

In his rush up the staircase, Archie runs into Smithers, and I can’t tell if Smithers is intentionally blocking him or not.

Archie comes into Veronica’s bedroom and flat-out says “You and I are going to the prom.” Veronica turns him down, because he’s inviting her on the morning before.

Archie realizes she’s packing. Veronica explains she’s off to Paris after graduation (her father’s chartering a jet); she’s going to college at the Sorbonne. Given the timing of when this flashback is presumably meant to occur (1975), Veronica would have to be attending Paris-Sorbonne University (established in 1970), not the University of Paris (which was metonymically known as the Sorbonne), which ceased to exist in May of 1968.

Anyway, Archie doesn’t take it well.

Veronica says it’ll be hard to adjust, but it’s something that she has to do. She also guesses maybe even Archie will leave one day. Archie vows he’ll never leave.

After the commercial break, we’re back in the present. Archie and Jughead have brought Jordan to their junkyard. Jordan is unimpressed. Um, I don’t recall any old Archie story in which they hung out in a junkyard. I think the writer might have had them confused with another Filmation series.

It sounds like a train runs through (or near) Riverdale.

Jughead brings up Archie’s Veronica-Pam dilemma, and Archie adds Betty into the mix.

Jughead suggests throwing the girls in a pit of mud and having them fight it out for themselves.

The VHS edition cuts out some bits, totaling about 8 seconds, including Jughead charging Archie $120 for the suggestion.

Archie chooses Pam, insisting he loves her, but Jughead makes him think about losing Betty and Veronica. What the fuck?

Jughead says he’s always wished he could have been good with women, like Archie, instead of being afraid of them. Archie insists there’s nothing to be afraid of, because the worst that they can do is make your life a living hell.

Jordan comes by with a baseball mitt signed by Hank Aaron. He got it out of an old jukebox. Archie suggests they check it out. Jordan leads them to it.

Archie is amazed to discover the jukebox is “the one from the gym”. Why would a gym have a jukebox?

Jughead discovers copies of the school newspaper, team uniforms, and…

…an old steering wheel, which “could be” from Archie’s jalopy.

Archie finds a hat, which he wants to take as a souvenir.

Jughead wants to take a random trophy.

Archie gets nostalgic for an old, brown, glass root beer bottle.

Jughead insists a random old sock “looks familiar”. Maybe he means in a general sense, like his socks used to get dirty like that.

Archie and Jughead insist they had “great” and “the best” stuff, respectively. Archie wonders why anyone would leave it behind. Jughead guesses time makes people kind of blind.

The next morning, the asshole couple that’s moving into Archie’s old house is putting his things in storage, because it’s the 10th (the day that they move in), even though it’s a Sunday, and they suggest Archie find a motel.

The assholes, Mr. and Mrs. Argyle, are played by Rick Podell and Catherine MacNeal, respectively. Both have had long, albeit somewhat sporadic, careers and have continued to pop up into this decade.

The Riverdale High alumni are enjoying themselves at the picnic.

Jordan is having his dad listen to rap. Jordan thinks he hates it, but Jughead finds it “interesting”. I can’t understand most of the lyrics, but it’s some innocuous shit that was probably made specifically for this movie. Keep in mind that N.W.A’s “Straight Outta Compton” had come out two years earlier.

Jordan suddenly stares, and Jughead thinks it’s Big Ethel, but Jordan doesn’t know what she looks like.

No, it’s some random girl with a crush on Jordan.

Jughead realizes Jordan is shy with girls, just like him. Jordan denies it. Jughead has a plan.

What follows is the most infamous story moment in Archie history: Jughead doing a hip hop rendition of “Sugar, Sugar”. Observe:

Jordan suddenly gets into it for whatever fucking reason. Seriously, there’s no transition period.

The girl is impressed…somehow.

Even Miss Grundy, Mr. Weatherbee, and Coach Clayton seem oddly fascinated by it.

Yeah, Coach Clayton – as in Chuck Clayton’s father. Besides Mr. Lodge, Coach Clayton is the only parent of the Riverdale gang to appear in this movie, and Chuck’s not even in it! Coach Clayton is played by J.D. Hall, who has had a long career, racking up 82 credits between 1978 and 2015.

Heh, Archie just walks by in the background, completely ignoring these idiots. Other than that, he has nothing to do in this scene, much like anyone that isn’t named Jughead or Jordan.

Anyway, let’s skip to the end:

Heh, Reggie seems amused, but Veronica’s like “What the fuck did I just watch?”

The others love it, though. Maybe. Applause doesn’t mean much. Embarrassing fact: I once performed the theme song to the extremely short-lived sitcom, “Nearly Departed”, in Sunday school, and I got applause for it. I wasn’t even looking for attention; I just did it, because I was really weird then.

Veronica gives polite applause, somewhat delayed, which I think shows how she feels.

Why is Veronica wearing gloves to a motherfucking picnic?

After a prompt from Jughead, Jordan admits it was teamwork.

Jordan and Jughead have finally bonded – over their self-perceived awesomeness.

One more look at Veronica’s outfit.

And we’re back in court. Wait, what? They had a picnic before the morning court appearance? I feel these two scenes should be reversed.

Anyway, Reggie has the law on his side, so he wins.

He doesn’t look happy about it, though.

The VHS edition cuts out the next scene, running 1:11. Reggie catches up with Archie outside the courthouse.

He offers to try to convince Mr. Lodge that kicking “Pops” out is bad business. Not you too, Reggie! It’s “Pop”! That’s his name (well, nickname)! The business is called “Pop’s”, because “Pop” is his name! Get it right!

Anyway, Archie asks why Reggie’s doing this and is amused to find out that it’s because Veronica gives Reggie a boner.

Anyway, Reggie wants Archie to turn Veronica down and build him up in exchange for Reggie trying to convince Mr. Lodge to stop the eviction. Yeah, it shouldn’t surprise anybody, but Reggie’s being nice only in the hope of getting fucked by Veronica.

Archie and Reggie then have a great exchange:

“Reggie, has it ever occurred to you that it’s wrong to make deals for human beings?”

“No.”

Why do I have a feeling that Reggie can trace his ancestry back to, oh, I don’t know,…South Carolina?

Archie insists Veronica is her own person, and he has absolutely no influence over her. She knows he’s engaged and moving, and…

…she doesn’t fucking care.

This, of course, pisses Reggie off.

Archie’s at a loss for words (as would anyone be).

Reggie says Pop’s fucking out on his ass.

“Dum-de-dum…”

Archie walks into Pop’s and sits at the counter, depressed. Pop is proud of him and wants him to go to his reunion and enjoy himself. Archie agrees: “What’s good for the kids is good for Pop’s.” Or is he saying “Pops” in reference to the man? I wouldn’t doubt it at this point.

Anyway, Pop tells Archie to leave, so he does.

After the commercial break, they’re at the alumni carnival. Wait, what? Mr. Weatherbee promised picnics (of which we’ve seen only one) and field trips (of which we’ve seen none), not a carnival. Or is this a “field trip”? I guess it sort of is.

Mr. Weatherbee explains, as part of their reunion, management has given them sole run of the park and lowered prices to what they were fifteen years ago.

Archie tries to think of ways to punish Reggie, but Jughead is worried about running into Big Ethel.

Archie asks him what the fuck he’s gonna do when he runs into her.

I’m not sure if Jughead decided to demonstrate or what, but he and Jordan get on a ride.

Mr. Weatherbee tells all contestants for “bumper car polo” to join Coach Clayton on the track for some “good, clean fun”.

Oh, shit, this will not end well.

What the fuck is up with the gloves, Ronnie?!

That fucker, Bob, is playing too. Why? I thought this stuff meant nothing to him. Is he doing this solely to keep an eye on…

…his property, Betty?

Okay, so it’s Reggie, Veronica, Bob, and Betty against Archie, Jughead, Midge, and Moose.

Mr. Weatherbee and Miss Grundy hand out brooms. I like the “tense” music that plays during this scene.

Coach Clayton gives a speech before the battle game and explains the objective: whichever team gets the most balls in their goal wins.

All right, this is gonna go on for a while, so let’s hit the important parts:

Betty accidentally throws away her broom, so Archie gives her his, which gets Betty craving another one of his poles.

This makes Bob jealous.

Veronica blows Archie a kiss, which prompts Reggie to threaten to murder Archie if she does it again.

Betty is happy to see Archie.

The feeling is mutual.

Reggie and Bob team up on Archie (and not in the good way).

Veronica blows Archie another kiss, which pisses Reggie off.

Reggie hits Archie, causing him to crash into a goal.

The two assholes cheer over it.

Coach Clayton calls for the players to stop the game.

Everyone drives over to Archie.

Jughead gets the goal off Archie.

Veronica, Betty, and Jughead take Archie out of his bumper car.

Archie has neck pain.

Veronica and Betty simultaneously ask Archie if he’s all right.

Archie asks who hit him.

Betty says Reggie, and Veronica adds Robert, which shocks Betty.

Archie wants to fuck them up, despite his condition.

Moose shoves Reggie out of the way and works his magic on Archie, which the girls find hard to watch but ends up making Archie all better.

Moose and Jughead help Archie up, and Jughead goes to get Archie’s car. The audience applauds. Yay, Moose is a hero for a day.

Jordan goes over to Jughead and starts to ask about Archie, and Jughead assures him that he’ll be okay. This is nice. Jordan’s starting to care about Archie.

Miss Grundy tells Jughead that Ethel Muggs is looking for him, and he and Jordan quickly leave.

Mr. Weatherbee rushes over, concerned about Archie singing tonight. Priorities, dickhead.

Veronica informs Archie that she’ll be hooking up with him later at his motel for some hot fucking.

Mr. Weatherbee doesn’t want the girls to let him down. Veronica says she’ll play if Archie does.

During the car ride back to…wherever they’re staying, Bob tries to justify himself.

The VHS edition cuts out a bit where Betty calls Bob a jerk, and he’s amused by it and brings up Archie’s lost case. This cut totals 8 seconds.

They argue a bit over Bob’s behavior. He reminds her that, when this “ridiculous” reunion is over, she’ll be left with him and suggests she think about that.

Betty agrees.

The VHS edition trims a little over 2 seconds off the exterior shot of the motel that opens the next scene.

Archie practices rejecting Veronica in the mirror.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.

Betty just finished her latest story and wants Archie to read it.

It turns out to be erotica.

Betty regrets not fucking Archie during the night of the storm, instead just watching him chase Veronica. She regrets never going after what she wanted.

Betty goes into the bathroom, turns on the shower, and then comes at Archie.

Before Betty can have her way with him, there’s another knock at the door, so Archie reminds her of the shower.

Betty’s eager to get in there and get her shampoo-lubed asshole reamed by Archie.

But Archie closes the door, telling her that he’ll be there in a sec (and I totally typed “sex”; see what this movie’s doing to me?).

It’s Veronica, of course. Oh, the hilarity.

Veronica’s impressed, because one of her fantasies is fucking in the shower. A fantasy that she hasn’t fulfilled yet over fifteen years and at least thirteen men?

Anyway, Veronica wants to get in there and fuck, but Archie hastily says he’s just gonna steam his suit for the party tonight. Veronica offers to do it, but then Archie decides he’s not gonna wear it.

Veronica decides to help Archie pick out something else.

Archie closes her in the closet (holding the door closed) just as Betty comes out of the bathroom, inexplicably still wearing something.

After an awkward moment, during which Betty is growing a bit impatient for Archie’s cock, Betty goes back into the bathroom.

I like this. It’s another classic Archie-style situation – albeit slightly more adult.

Veronica demands to know who Archie was speaking to.

Before Archie can think of some bullshit response, there’s yet another knock at the door. Archie pretends to not hear it, but Veronica points it out, so Archie barricades her in the closet.

That’ll work.

By the way, nice touch with the jukebox being in Archie’s motel room.

Hahaha, oh, fuck.

Archie decides the best course of action is to get as far away as possible.

Betty comes out of the bathroom at the commotion, hears knocking, and helps Veronica come out of the closet.

Ha.

After they exchanges WTFs, Veronica decides they need to talk.

Well, she does in the TV airing, but the VHS edition cuts it out. Those 3 seconds just had to go.

Archie apologizes for not calling, citing a bunch of sudden “best friends”.

“I hate you!”

The VHS edition cuts out a bit where Pam says “I see”, picks up something, and throws it out. 3 seconds were lost.

At Pop’s, one of the employees wonders if Archie is some kind of genius when it comes to girls.

The VHS edition cuts out about 1.5 seconds of inconsequential material.

Archie has taken Pam to Pop’s and tells her about his lost case. She sympathizes…a bit. She doesn’t see the specialness of Pop’s.

Jughead and Jordan come in. Jughead informs Archie that Betty and Veronica are looking for him. Archie, nervous, quickly makes the introductions.

Jordan, of course, checks Pam out.

Jughead announces they’re going to find Big Ethel, because he’s decided to take the first step in conquering his fear of women.

The VHS edition cuts the last second of the scene: Pam comments Jughead and Jordan are a “strange pair”.

Incidentally, right before this, someone in the background mentions Thanksgiving.

Jughead and Jordan arrive at the Muggs residence.

Ethel’s mother, “Miss Muggs”, opens the door. She goes to get Ethel.

Mrs. Muggs (as the movie calls her) is played by Sharon Conley. She didn’t have much of a career, being in only 10 things from 1989 to 1994 and then quitting acting.

Jughead quickly decides Ethel’s not home and is about to leave, but then…

Yeah, the joke is Ethel is hot now. For comparison, this is what she looked like in junior high:

Ethel Muggs is played by Cindy Ambuehl. She’s had a long career, and it all began here. From 1990 to the present day, she’s racked up 55 credits (albeit with a six-year break from 2010 to 2016). There’s no shortage of things to check out if you wanna see more of her.

Ethel calls Jordan “Jughead Junior”, and Jordan readily agrees.

Ethel takes an interest in Jordan.

She invites both of them to join her in the Jacuzzi.

They readily accept, hoping for a hot threesome.

Archie takes Pam to the lake but swears her to secrecy, because it’s “the gang’s”. Pam rhetorically asks who she’d tell, suggesting she’s a lonely person. She also throws out the old root beer bottle that Archie was saving, saying it’s fine to be attached to it and an ice cream store.

The VHS edition cuts out a bit where Pam tells Archie to “try and keep some perspective”. About 2.5 seconds were lost.

Archie makes an impassioned speech about Pop’s.

Pam wants to meet Betty and Veronica at the party tonight.

The VHS edition cuts out an exchange near the end of the scene. Archie tries to talk her out of coming, citing her lack of interest in reunions.

Pam says she’s “been practicing” nodding and smiling.

This exchange lasts 12 seconds.

The VHS edition simply skips to Archie saying “Huh”, making it a response to Pam’s desire to meet Betty and Veronica.

At the party, Jughead gets down to “I’ll Be You” by The Replacements.

So does Mr. Weatherbee.

Jordan and Ethel wave to each other.

Jordan informs Jughead of Ethel, and Archie tries to get Jughead to hide. Apparently, Jughead hadn’t told him about his meeting with Ethel yet.

Ethel takes Jordan and Max to dance.

Jughead explains Ethel’s an international model now and guesses she was going through an “awkward phase” when they knew her.

The VHS edition cuts about 3 seconds off the beginning of the next shot as Betty and Veronica approach Archie.

Veronica declares they’re both in love with him, but Betty adds he has to make a choice. So a threesome is out of the question?

Aaaawkwaaard.

Before Archie can explain, Mr. Weatherbee interrupts, saying it’s time for the band to go on.

It turns out that Mr. Weatherbee overheard and decided to save Archie’s ass.

Veronica and Betty “promised” to play if Archie does, so they head for the stage as well.

But then that fucker Bob manhandles Betty and gives her a “chance to reconsider”.

She shuts him down.

Pam and Bob bond over putting down “small-town sentimentality”. It’s a match made in Hell.

The VHS edition cuts the last 10.5 seconds of the shot, during which Bob and Pam exchange names.

It also cuts a shot in which Archie casually dances to Jughead’s drumming while waiting for the rest of the band. It lasts only 2 seconds, but it’s a cute moment.

Archie mentions their instruments are old. Wait, what? They have to use their old instruments? For that matter, they still have or managed to find their old instruments? Since Mr. Weatherbee was so gung-ho about this performance, he could have at least provided them with newer instruments.

Do you have a feeling that someone’s missing?

Reggie’s here.

Is that a picture of The Archies from the Filmation cartoons on the drum?

Anyway, The Archies play “Jingle Jangle“, an actual song from the Filmation cartoons. It reached #10 on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart and #27 on the US Easy Listening chart in late 1969. It reached #1 on the Canadian RPM Singles chart in January of 1970. It, like “Sugar, Sugar” (the single released directly before it), is too old for this version of the characters to have created in high school, but the two songs’ inclusion is an attempt to make this movie a quasi-sequel to the Filmation cartoons (in that loose way in which Archie Comics treats continuity: “it isn’t important again until it is” and “everything happened ‘recently’, regardless of when it was published”).

Also, I love that Christopher Rich is really singing this. He isn’t that bad of a singer, actually. It’s just unfortunate that there are no female vocals as in the original.

Betty’s still stuck with her fucking tambourine.

Oh, and Jughead adds in a “Yeah-ho!” from his “Sugar, Sugar” rap earlier – as well as some other lines – in an attempt to modernize the song.

Coach Clayton comes by with a message for Mr. Weatherbee.

Mr. Weatherbee gets on the stage and stops the performance. Archie managed to sing two of the three verses before he’s interrupted.

He announces Pop Tate won’t move; the bulldozers gonna drive right over him. Yeah, no, that’s bullshit – and highly illegal.

Almost everyone rushes out of the gym.

Yeah, take your time, asshole.

After the commercial break, Pop faces down the demolition equipment.

His two employees stop Archie, who’s on his way to help Pop, to tell him that he has to help Pop, because they’re gonna make a “bloody mess” of him, and the idiots will lose their jobs. Archie assures them.

Coach Clayton informs Reggie that he’s a “poor sportsman”.

Mr. Lodge observes the proceedings from inside his limo.

Mr. Lodge’s chauffeur brings Archie a “gift” from “Miss Lodge”. That isn’t suspicious at all.

Archie, ever the dumbass, accepts it without question.

Riverdale’s finest arrive to arrest Pop.

Archie decides to stand with Pop, and a large number of people join them.

“ME BOB RECLAIM MY PROPERTY! BOB’S WOMAN COME WITH BOB NOW!”

Betty dumps the asshole, calling him out for the bully that he is.

Pam declares “demonstrations are out” (haha, that’s so fucking dated – and was never true) and demands Archie stop this right now. Archie refuses. Pam declares he’s “pushing” her, and she’s “put up with a lot” from him today. Archie kind of shrugs, which is nowhere near Betty’s level of badassness.

“Well, fuck you, it’s not like you’re gonna go on to a successful career or anything!”

Aww, look at the police officers thinking they can do anything against a huge crowd of people. Isn’t that precious?

Veronica confronts her father. They argue for a while, and then she utterly rejects him and the wealth that he offers, throwing her credit cards at him (it happens too quickly for good screencaps, unfortunately). She invites being disowned by him and vows to wait tables before she takes another cent from a “heartless monster”. Omigoddess, I love Veronica Lodge so fucking much right now.

Mr. Lodge isn’t easily dissuaded, though, claiming he’s given Veronica “everything”. Veronica counters they were just material gifts, and she hated herself for taking them.

Mr. Lodge had no idea that she felt so strongly.

“Make your choice, Father: me…or your money.”

Veronica stares him down for a moment, and then…

Mr. Lodge gets on a radio or walkie-talkie and announces:

“Call off the crew.”

Wait, so he has some kind of loudspeaker set up in the area?

Good feelings all around.

The chauffeur returns and informs Mr. Lodge of the bomb, which is way past what Mr. Lodge expected (which was to simply frighten Archie). Veronica rushes off to warn everyone.

The chauffeur has the remote for the bomb. Mr. Lodge demands to have it, but the chauffeur doesn’t know if he wants to give it to him.

They fight over it.

Veronica interrupts the celebration to warn Archie about the bomb.

Archie keeps yelling about how it’s a bomb, and almost everyone runs away.

Reggie seems in disbelief.

As Mr. Lodge and his chauffeur continue to fight over the remote, Archie continues to hold onto the package. Reggie comes over to him. Archie eventually tosses the package.

He pulls Reggie, and they seek shelter behind a car.

Reggie guesses Archie made this up to humiliate him more.

Nope. Boom, motherfucker!

The VHS edition cuts about 4 seconds off the beginning of the next scene. On Monday, Pam takes her things out to the car to head out.

Archie arrives and tries to talk to Pam. He even apologizes for hurting her, but he admits he’d do exactly the same thing.

Archie says this is real, not nostalgia, and he feels a lot clearer about things.

Pam says it’s okay and returns her engagement ring.

She reveals she and Bob have hooked up (what a shocker!), because it turns out that they have a lot in common.

Archie finds this amusing and takes an interest in the ring that he now has in his possession.

“Okaaay, what the fuck?”

Archie boards the bus to see if Jughead’s on it.

But then Jughead and Jordan come by, and Archie meets up with them when he gets off the bus.

Where were Jughead and Jordan staying, anyway, after Archie got kicked out of his house?

Jughead and Jordan ask about Pam, and Archie declares he’s “all alone now”.

Jughead and Jordan board the bus. Archie messes Jordan’s hair. Jughead tells Archie that he’s not alone, because they’ll visit. Jordan declares this place is cool. Jughead explains Jordan liked the explosion.

Archie walks into Pop’s…alone…

One of the idiots congratulates the geek Archie on a good job. For some reason, they want him to shake their hands (they even washed them).

The idiots leave for the day, reminding Pop that the back door is still open. I guess this scene is supposed to take place in the late afternoon.

Pop offers Archie a malt “for old times’ sake”. Archie wants Pop to keep ’em comin’.

Betty and Veronica come in, still waiting for Archie to choose between them. For fuck’s sake…

The girls decide to make it easy on Archie: they won’t be mad at him or each other, no matter what he decides.

Typical Archie.

Choose Veronica. She fucking earned it!

Archie is spared from making a decision by the timely arrival of Jordan and his squirt gun. Jughead admonishes Jordan.

It’s all good, though.

Jughead was thinking on the bus that there are enough shrinks in the city.

Also, Jughead claims, Jordan doesn’t want to live far away from his “Uncle Archie”.

Awww, that’s sweet, but what about all of their stuff back in the city? Who’s gonna pick it up? And where are they gonna stay until they get a permanent residence?

Archie asks the girls about their plans.

Betty is staying here this summer to write. Her publisher says she has a real future as a “romance novelist”.

“‘Romance’, riiight. That’s what you’re calling it.”

In the fall, Betty will see if Riverdale needs another grade-school teacher. And if they don’t? And where’s she gonna stay until then? And what about her house and stuff back in Midvale?

Veronica claims Paris is jammed with tourists this time of year (it seems to be harvest time, although the 10th fell on a Sunday in June of 1990), and she says she and Daddy have a few things to work on. I guess Betty can stay with her. Veronica asks when Archie’s leaving.

Archie says he’s not. Veronica brings up Pam. Archie says she’s back in the city, and they broke up.

Oh, so Betty and Veronica didn’t know that, and they were still insisting Archie choose one of them. Nice to know these two characters grow up to be marriage wreckers.

Oh, where’s Archie gonna live now? He has no house. I guess he and Jughead will have to room together somewhere out of financial necessity.

Archie tells them to have a seat.

Girls, stop it.

Pop wants to take a commemorative photo.

Reggie interrupts…

…and offers a half-assed apology.

Jughead gives him a hard time over it.

Pop dismisses that and invites Reggie to join them.

Reggie eagerly complies.

“Okay, nobody move.”

“I don’t think anybody will.”

The closing credits sequence consists of a series of still shots from the movie and an instrumental version of the “Sugar, Sugar” cover from the opening.

The VHS edition cuts to black immediately after the sequence, cutting 8 seconds of company logos. Is that legal?

Okay, so that was the grand centerpiece of the 50th anniversary celebration. Is it any good? Of course. I certainly enjoyed it. A series centered on the Riverdale gang as adults would have been fun, even if it was a somewhat unusual take on the property. I like the small-town atmosphere of the movie, and the cast is great in their roles. Their performances were well-received, even back then. In short, this movie definitely feels like Archie, even though the characters are older.

So what happened?

In short, the movie got trashed in the ratings. We all know Nielsen ratings are shit, but it’s what the networks look at. How many series and potential series were ruined because of “the numbers”?

It’s a shame, because I really would have loved to have seen a TV series with these same actors. Maybe they can cameo on “Riverdale”.

Archie Comics put out a comic adaptation (which I haven’t read):

It also sold the butchered “Return to Riverdale” VHS edition through order forms in its comics, so it definitely supported the version of the characters presented in this movie, adult situations and all. And that was nearly twenty years ago. Think about that for a moment, and the sexed-up upcoming “Riverdale” series won’t seem so shocking.

Anyway, let’s talk some oddities:

It isn’t clear who plays the unnamed girl that’s interested in Jordan, but the movie credits Veronica Lauren as playing someone named Laurel. She would have been 9 at the time. I guess this is her. She racked up 27 credits from 1989 to 2010. This movie was her second role. She turned out fucking gorgeous:

IMDb (but not the movie) credits Charles D. Miller as playing someone named Atmos, but I have no idea who the fuck that is. See the next item.

What about that “one little trial” that Archie mentions near the beginning of the movie? We never see it, and it’s never brought up again. IMDb credits Casey Ledoux in the uncredited role of “alternate juror”. Might this be a clue? Was there an entire subplot of this movie that was filmed but scrapped?

I’ve seen it mentioned that this movie places Riverdale in California, but there’s no clear mention of that in the movie itself. It was probably filmed in California, and the cars might display California license plates, but it’s not something that’s noticeable.

So that’s “Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again”. It’s a good movie, and it has been the live-action representation of Archie for over two decades. Before you see the next one, you might want to visit (or revisit) this.

Thanks for putting up with this. Here’s a lovely photo of Karen Kopins for you to enjoy:

And another one of Christina Haag:

Tune in next Wednesday – when things get magical…

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