The 100 is all death, death, death, pause for video blogging, and more death. And I still love it. Spoilers ahead...


First up, apologies for missing last week's episode. However, I'm pretty sure I've managed to sum up the entire episode in one, perfect gif. Voilà!


Apparently crash landing on a dangerous future Earth turns all the teenage survivors into the half donkey boys from Pinocchio's Pleasure Island. This gif was literally how Baby Lou Diamond Phillips started his day. P.S., we never hear from this girl again. I can only assume she is dead because killing children is one of the three things The 100 is super good at (we'll get to the other two things later).

But overall, the important takeaway from last week's episode is the knowledge that all the adults running the show upstairs in the Ark are absolute imbeciles. Plus Goggles Guy is still alive — hooray for Goggles Guy! THE END, MOVING ON.

Now onto this week's episode, which I enjoyed very, very much. The thing that is so great about The 100 is its own hyper awareness. The 100 isn't really a TV series, it's the living embodiment of an SNL sketch show about The CW doing a post apocalyptic TV series. But it works! And it probably has to with the amount of death this show keeps lobbing at the screen. It helps to have bioluminescent butterflies and the pop tunes to keep the child murder at bay. At least this way, when I scream "daaaaaaaang" every time a child dies, I don't look like a complete monster.

And this week the murder was hot and heavy. But first, Ark flashbacks! In these flashbacks, we meet the father of the main character, Clarke. He is absurdly handsome, as is Ark law.


I'm just going to go ahead and combine ALL the flashbacks into one recapped moment, because it just makes sense. In these flashbacks two truths and one lie are revealed. We find out that Clarke's Dad videoblogs, that his wife is the one who ratted him out, and that in the post-apocalyptic future, people in bedraggled sweaters will want to re-watch 100 year old games of Major League Soccer. Can you guess which one is the lie?


Moving on — through these flashbacks, we also see Clarke's Dad get airlocked (BECAUSE CALLING IT FLOATED IS STUPID). It was very sad, and it just seemed too Un-American to kill off such a handsome man with such broad shoulders. Does the Ark know nothing of future breeding? What about the shoulders of the new children born within this generation? This copious airlocking seems pretty stupid from a gene-pool perspective. Oh noes, we floated all the hot blondes!


But anyways the Daddy death scene was very sad, but part of me still thinks he is alive even though we saw him get whisked away into space, which is instant death — unless you are a fan of Event Horizon, like myself.

Meanwhile back on planet Earth, the sex party has subsided to make way for the half -dead Jasper moaning party. Jasper (Goggles Guy) can't stop moaning his way into death, and it's really annoying most of the teens. We know this, because we can hear people audibly complaining about Jasper's moans in the background, which is the second thing this show does really well. The gang needs to save Jasper, because Jasper is just fantastic, but the group is split. Bellamy (Lou Diamond Phillips Jr.) tells Clarke that she has a day to fix Jasper or he's going to do what needs to be done (i.e. kill Jasper).


Of course all of that Bellamy talk is proved to be just that — talk — for when Bellamy's death skills are called upon, he folds like a cheap lawn chair. Unfortunately for lovers of perfectly-coiffed hair, Adam (Octavia's crush of the week) dies of "sudden poisonous gas." As he gasps and cacks praying for the sweet, sweet release of death (hair looking just fabulous the whole time) Bellamy backs down, and Clarke steps up and does what he cannot: grant Adam's deathwish. It was brutal. And very well done. Goodbye Adam *snaps for Adam*.


And while this is all going on, Wells is getting a verbal assault from his one true friend, Clarke. Not a minute goes by where Clarke doesn't sneer at Wells and tell him he's garbage, or that she hates him. There are scenes where Clarke is absolutely tripping over herself to tell Wells that he is the worst. Which, in teen sex drama means, Wells is NOT the worst. It actually means that Wells is the best. And low and behold, Wells is the best. For "reasons," Wells decided to let Clarke think that it was he who ratted out her father thus forcing his execution, but in reality, it was her mother. Which is a totally a thing that a teenager would do. The second this was revealed, I knew that Wells was not long for this New Earth. And he wasn't.

In the biggest twist of all, the little girl who was struggling with nightmares about watching her only parents turn into corpsicles thanks to The Chancellor decides its time to "slay her demons." And puts a knife into Wells' neck, so she can find her inner peace. WELL DONE. I did NOT see this coming — I knew Wells was gonna die, as this is teen law, but I had no idea how. And why not this way? When you run a society entirely built on death, death, death what you get in return shall be death, death, death. Even from cute little girls with braids in their hair. She watched her parents die, now she will watch you die, Wells. Die for your father's sins — and because you forced people to watch American MLS.

I gotta tell you, I'm digging this show. Just when I think it's too predictable, it sends a toddler to murder Wells. Until next week, I hope you all made a Party Down joke when the teens stuck in the car were asked, "Are we having fun yet?"