ENGLISH pubs will become the worst places in the world later today, it has been claimed.

According to Institute for Studies data, the fact that England cannot manoeuvre a football will fully re-establish itself in the brain stems of the assembled beer processing units after 30 minutes of play. At this point the average pub will become slightly less pleasant than a piss bomb exploding in a skip full of rusty forks.

Landlord Wayne Hayes said: There must be some pleasanter way of bringing in punters than by screening football. Perhaps some sort of stage show involving my wife pleasuring terriers.

The drunken jeering, the misplaced sense of entitlement and the pervading fug of prejudice is like being in the House of Lords with a fruit machine in the corner.

Meanwhile, most England fans have said that in the extremely unlikely event they win Euro 2012, it will not compensate for having watched hours of Adrian Chiless face.

The scrotum-alike has already had to present matches from inside a perspex case to foil Roy Keanes repeated attempts to beat him to death with his own ribs. Now many viewers have started exploring alternative Chiles-free pursuits.

Football fan Roy Hobbs said: Rather than hearing a ballbag witter on in what appears to be the beer garden of a fun pub, Ive started listening to opera. Its actually quite, quite beautiful.

And have you ever actually watched the sun set? I mean really watched it?

“A fiery disk plunging into a shimmering horizon and painting the evening sky a palette of rich titian and crimson makes you realise theres more to life than Adrian Chiles making puns about foreigners.