(LONDON, Glamourless) The Brit Awards are not exactly known for good behaviour. Over the years we’ve seen Jarvis Cocker arse flapping at Michael Jackson, Geri Halliwell wafting her lady parts at anyone with eyes, and Kanye West swearing so fast that the man in charge of ITV bleeping had a finger spasm that required urgent hospitalisation.

But that’s all in the past, thanks to an edict handed down from the head of the Brits (the Queen). Artists appearing at this year’s show have been told that misbehaving will not be tolerated under any circumstances. And to show they mean business, the authorities are threatening only the most severe, shameful of punishments.

‘Chris Martin will be allowed to join in until such time as the shame is too great to bear’ tweet

‘By royal command, there will be no swearing, arse flapping, exposing or drugging,’ announced a palace official, reading from an official Brits-branded parchment. ‘Offenders will not be tolerated, and will be forced to share a stage and dance with Coldplay’s Chris Martin. He will be allowed – nay, encouraged – to join in on one of the misbehaving artist’s own tracks, improvising however he sees fit, until such time as the shame is simply too great to bear.’

The announcement comes in the wake of Beyonce’s recent Super Bowl appearance. The superstar, who appeared to break protocol by performing a Black Panther salute, was surprised by how swiftly, mercilessly and publicly the authorities punished her misdemeanour. ‘I turned around and there he was behind me,’ she told reporters this morning, still visibly shaken. ‘It was like someone had filled their confused uncle with Red Bull and pushed him onto the stage with me. I didn’t know where to look or how to respond. It was excruciating.’

‘I only hope the performers at tonight’s Brit Awards pay attention,’ she concluded. ‘I still wake up in cold sweats. It really could’ve gone either way. It’s just not worth risking you career over.’

For further Glamourless coverage of The Brit Awards, check out our Twitter feed during the performance, and have a look out our predictions for the evening’s controversies.