NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re reminding people that it’s never too early to secure precious oyster secretions and begin a habit of dark fascination with them that will consume people’s sanity over their long retirement years,” said Mantra Advising Group senior financial strategist Peter Katz, noting that even low-earning workers could acquire a small velvet purse of garnets to roll in their palm while watching the tiny flamelike glints from deep in their crimson crystalline hearts. “We recommend that by age 60, the average American should have a minimum of five phrases they repeat aloud to their pearl while bathing in its soft interior luminescence. Something like ‘Glow for me, my perfect, my only coldest flame’ is good, but feel free to go with whatever phrases make you think the pearl is whispering back.” Mantra Advising Group notes that if you do not have at least one enormous, enthralling pearl to get you through retirement, you must by all means slit the throat of your closest friend, coworker, or family member in order to acquire one.

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