RALEIGH, NC—Expressing excitement at the long-term benefits of her new workout routine, exercising woman Brianna Newton reported Friday that she was really beginning to feel the burn of a lifelong injury developing. “Oh, yeah—I’m definitely starting to feel some results [from my repeated misuse of the treadmill and poor running technique],” said Newton, pausing to increase the treadmill’s incline by several more inches before proceeding with the daily jogging routine that will leave her with chronic Achilles tendonitis before age 40. “I’ve really been pushing myself [past the point of irreversible tendon damage] lately, but I know the results will be worth really focusing to go as hard as I can. Sometimes it hurts, but I’m not going to give up [until I inevitably tear my ACL and require major surgery to graft new tissue at the site where my shredded ligament tore away from the bone, leaving me on crutches for several months and limiting my mobility for the rest of my life].” At press time, Newton had taken a quick break to stretch out her arms and shoulders before resuming an intense leg workout.

Advertisement