THE HEAVENS—Saying the scene lacked any true imaginative impulse or sense of playfulness, late fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld was reportedly aghast Tuesday at the sight of the uninspired, garish tunnel of light moving slowly toward him. “Oh no, that light is far too predictable—that’s not going to work,” said the longtime Chanel creative director, who, according to reports, dismissed the portal as “celestial child’s play” and a “middle-of-the-road biblical cliché” as his weightless body drifted closer and closer to the passageway’s luminescent center. “You want to bore me? Show me a shimmering tunnel of eternal light. Maybe it was haute a thousand years ago, but now it looks hopelessly outdated. It’s just tacky, really, to have a light that’s so all-encompassing and transcendent in this day and age. It’s like a caricature of Heaven.” At press time, heavenly sources confirmed Karl Lagerfeld was begging for just 10 minutes alone in the tunnel to see if he could spruce it up.

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