RALEIGH, NC—Friends of local man James Perry, reported Tuesday that the 29-year-old somehow lives in a perpetual state of anxiety and agitation despite of his total lack of any meaningful personal or professional responsibilities. "He rushes around all panicked every morning grumbling that he's running late," Ryan Maynard said of his roommate Perry, whose frequent sighs of frustration and unending claims of exhaustion belie the fact that no children, sick relatives, or even casual girlfriends depend on his emotional support or the income of his part-time job working for his uncle. "James sleeps more than anyone I know, yet every other week he complains about how he's feeling sick and desperately needs a vacation." Perry was unavailable for comment, telling reporters that he was "totally swamped" with a bunch of work and personal stuff.

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