IT’S finally here. Bigger, brassier and instantly a damn sight meaner than its Melbourne counterpart, The Real Housewives of Sydney burst onto screens on Sunday — and climaxed with an explosive fight that will make you wonder where on earth the show even goes from here.

Firstly, clock the opening credits, which place the Housewives in some azure-watered vision of Sydney Harbour, perched on CGI platforms, looking for all the world like they’ve landed in a Windows screen saver circa 1998:

Let’s see who we’re dealing with here, shall we?

KRISSY

Housewife tagline: “When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you get under someone else’s.” This is the sort of wisdom we’d expect from a great philosopher like the Dalai Lama or Kyly Clarke, so well done Krissy.

“I’m Krissy Marsh, and I live in Double Bay,” announces Krissy Marsh, who lives in Double Bay — in perfect “You are Beyonce — thank you” style.

Krissy struts around Double Pay with her two purely ornamental dogs, Bondi and Bronte, in tow.

Krissy runs a successful real estate agency, but that’s not all she does: “I’ve modelled; I’ve … made movies …”

This sounds WONDERFULLY suss.

Krissy tells us she started modelling when she was just four, which shows a commitment to glamour sadly missing from many pathetic preschoolers.

Krissy’s just moved back to Sydney with her kids after a stint in Shanghai. Her husband will stay back in China, and she misses him for ... reasons.

“The biggest thing I miss is my lemon with hot water of a morning, because he comes before — I don’t mean he comes as in comes, I mean he comes and gets my lemon drink — but he normally probably does come, that’s why I get the lemon drink in bed.”

Four minutes into Real Housewives and this chick’s already workin’ blue? We’re calling it: Krissy is the Lydia of RHOS.

Meeting fellow housewife Victoria for lunch, Krissy locks in her hornbag credentials, counselling her friend about her single status: “We’ve got to get you a new man … big swinging dick!”

Is that Krissy’s main requirement for a boyfriend or is it simply how she punctuates her sentences? Folks, it’s just too early to tell.

VICTORIA

Housewife tagline: “My point of view isn’t the only one, but it’s clearly the best.” We think this is because she has a nice view from her house, these taglines are very deep OK.

Victoria sits on the balcony of her Bondi apartment, looking out on an ocean she could probably afford to have drained should she wish, and gives the best ‘I know you’re jealous, bitches’ face while sipping her white wine.

She’s twice divorced, with one marriage ending after one of her best girlfriends slept with her husband. *chants* BRING HER ON THE SHOW, BRING HER ON THE SHOW.

Victoria met her second husband the day she left her first husband.

“It was just too fast,” she sighs, clearly wishing she’d left a 72-hour window between marriages.

Here’s something you need to know about Victoria: At various points in the episode, the other ladies refer to her in hushed, judgmental tones as an …. ‘older’ lady. ’Older’ might rhyme with ‘ebola’, but to these women it’s clearly far, far worse.

Victoria’s walls are littered with stunning, expensive artworks, and her bed is so filled with designer bags we can only assume she sleeps on some newspaper in the laundry like a cat:

At lunch, Victoria and Krissy await the arrival of new girl Nicole — brace yourselves.

NICOLE

Housewife tagline: “Beauty queens can more than handle drama queens.”BECAUSE SHE IS A BEAUTY QUEEN DO YOU SEE.

Nicole’s a Bellevue Hill resident (thank you), was Miss Australia 2002, and admits she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.

She and her family have been in London for eight years, but they’ve just moved home to Sydney — well, all except for hubby Adam. He’ll stay in London and commute back and forth every few weeks.

It’s unclear how exactly they expect this arrangement to work. It seems so ill-thought out, we’re inclined to wonder whether Nicole was actually chased out of the UK for wearing this apron:

Settling in for lunch with Krissy and Victoria, Nicole speaks at approximately double their volume about her unspeakable wealth. It’s a lot for them to take in:

Nicole tells them how she keeps her kids humble despite the fact they’ve only ever known first class air travel.

“During the flight I take them and walk them through the whole aeroplane. I see people squished in, and I say ‘Look! Do you SEE all those people?’”

As awful aeroplane experiences go, being on the receiving end of this behaviour would rate somewhere between deep vein thrombosis and a hijacking.

After she’s made sure everyone within a 5km radius knows she’s mega-rich, Nicole and the others discuss the Housewives we’re still yet to meet. There’s perhaps the most notorious Real Housewife, Lisa Oldfield, and her husband David-

“Oh, the one that was shagging Pauline Hanson?” OK, we love you Victoria.

Victoria’s also got an advance reading on AthenaX: “Apparently she’s Jatz crackers. Crazy.”

Real Housewife Nicole says she's down to earth Real Housewife Nicole says she's down to earth

MATTY

Housewife tagline: “My lips may be fake, but they always speak the truth.” The word ‘may’ has really lost all meaning.

Matty runs her own beauty clinic in Double Bay, and she’s an enthusiastic sampler of her own wares. She is, by her own admission, “self-made, successful and beautiful.” We’d say she should try some humility, but can YOU use your own lips as a flotation device?

Matty’s mega-rich, she talks like Donatella Versace, and she looks like Courtney Stodden. She holidays in Miami — but pronounces it My-yow-mee. Her days are spent fat-zapping, wrinkle-smoothing and basically embalming the women of Sydney’s eastern suburbs:

LISA

Housewife tagline: “Brains and beauty are my weapons of choice.” Brains and beauty but also guns. Lisa’s Not Like Other Girls, you see.

Other girls have dogs or cats as pets. Lisa has Shelley, a 10-foot python.

Sitting down with her two young sons to play with Shelley, Lisa seems to have one thing on her mind: “Shelley, why are you shoving your head up my vagina? Argh, she’s going to bite your penis!”

Lisa, cool it. You’re not Britney Spears and this isn’t the 2001 VMAs.

Shelley soils herself while Lisa’s handling her, possibly in an effort to break the sexual tension between them and possibly as a natural response to having her head in Lisa Oldfield’s vagina.

Lisa’s husband, One Nation Party co-founder David Oldfield, rushes to clean it up, sighing and muttering as he goes.

If, like many Australians, you’ve never been a fan of One Nation, it might please you to know that the party’s co-founder now spends his days on his hands and knees, fighting a losing battle against an endless supply of snake excrement:

Lisa pops in to her pal Matty’s clinic for a treatment — and the pair call up Nicole, who immediately dobs Victoria in over her line about David sleeping with Pauline Hanson.

Lisa’s furious that Victoria could have said this, seemingly unaware it’s LITERALLY THE FIRST THING ANYBODY THINKS OF when they hear the name ‘David Oldfield.’

“I suppose you’re sick of it, because you’ve heard it too many times. People really shouldn’t bring it up. It’s inappropriate,” says Matty.

Pause.

“So what happened?”

Bless you, Matty.

ATHENA X

Housewife tagline: “The Athena X of today took LIFETIMES to create!” YES. Bring on the past life regressions. Let’s get witchy.

Bellevue Hill resident Athena X is, as Victoria predicted, Jatz crackers. In the BEST possible way.

She’s deeply spiritual in that way we all were for that one week in grade 6 after we made a dreamcatcher at school camp but before we moved on to collecting Tazos.

Athena and her husband run a high-end jewellery store. So high-end, in fact, it appears nobody can afford to shop there:

She meditates daily, and describes it as “a telephone between me and god communicating.”

Athena believes in reincarnation, and she’s been here a few times before. Her most recent life wasn’t that great, “but I did a lot of clearing.” Like, of shrubs?

Athena also paints. What is her artistic style?

“It’s me allowing the universal intelligence called God to filter through my thoughts and my hand.”

So … colourful shapes, then:

Athena lectures her three sceptical children about the fact — the scientific FACT — that there are eight dimensions, and that music shares the same frequency as time travel. Pray these kids aren’t home schooled.

She’s got a great relationship with her husband Panos, too: “Panos loves me more than he loves … God.” We’re starting to sense she chucks God in whenever she’s struggling to finish a sentence.

MELISSA

Housewife tagline: “The hardest role I’ve ever played ... is just being me.” This is very deep but please don’t diminish your sterling work on E-Street, Melissa.

We have high hopes for former soapie actor and pop starlet Melissa Tkautz — mainly because we want to see a 2017 remix of Read My Lips top the charts.

But hang on — what’s this? Melissa announces during her intro that she never even liked the song. First strike, Tkautz.

Nowadays, Melissa spends her days in the studio turning out the club bangers Dannii Minogue rejected, working “with DJs, who are very relevant.” She doesn’t elaborate on this statement at all, which is kind of fabulous.

She lives on the Northern Beaches, she’s got two gorgeous young children and a shadowy rich husband who’s never seen. She also recently starred in Boar, a film in which she battled a bloodthirsty man-eating wild pig, which is really sort of an amuse-bouche for a starring role on Housewives when you think about it.

THE FIRST FIGHT

Nicole’s hosting an event on Sydney Harbour to welcome herself back to Sydney and the girls are all invited — some to meet each other for the very first time.

First impressions are VERY important. “You have to put a little bit of thought into how you want them to perceive you,” says Athena, who it appears would like to be perceived as a Logie caught by a trawler:

The ladies begin stockpiling their ammo in their cars on the way to the party. Lisa’s ready to pounce on Victoria, because she made “very derogatory comments about my husband.”

“So has half of Australia,” reasons Athena.

Nicole’s ready for her guests to arrive, and she’s trussed up like it’s her year 10 formal, age-inappropriate tiara and all:

The women filter in, with Melissa the last to arrive. Presumably she wanted to wait ‘til later, hands off her detonator.

They air-kiss, introduce themselves, and get down to picking fights that will last a season.

Remarking on the diverse range of ethnicities on display among them, Krissy points to Athena and gives it her best Con The Fruiterer: “We’ve even got-a the Greek, maaaaate!”

Athena’s not happy with that, so she changes the subject in true Athena style, delivering a blessing from on high.

“Nicole, I look into your eyes and I see a beautiful soul, and I give you Namaste,” she says.

“Oh my god. Are ya gonna give me a bit of Namaste? Is that some yummy bread?” Krissy yells.

She’s gone very ‘Schoolies tour of India’ here and we’re not sure it’s quite landing.

Athena then schools the others on the meaning of Namaste, as though it’s some rare ancient phrase that she alone has discovered and not something everybody says at the end of yoga class.

But Krissy still seems to think Athena should be concentrating her efforts on a one-woman genderblind remake of The Wog Boy: “That’s not Greek, maaaate,” she drawls.

Krissy just can’t shut up. She’s loud, boorish, tactless. Basically, she is all of us three wines deep at a dull party.

Lisa tries to deliver a heartfelt toast to Nicole, but midway through Krissy jumps in with yet another heckle. Lisa’s not having it.

“CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP? LOOK CHEWBACCA: BACK OFF.”

Chewbacca. CHEW. BLOODY. BACCA.

Retreating to a corner with Victoria to lick her wounds, Krissy insists that she HASN’T EVEN WATCHED Star Wars so she’s ACTUALLY NOT EVEN MAD BRAH cos WHAT EVEN IS A CHEWBACCA.

Victoria dutifully informs her:

“It’s a big hairy unit.”

Speeches done, Athena once again regales the group with what Melissa slyly refers to as ‘spiritual chatter’. Melissa, bless her, just sort of shuts down and stares off into the middle distance:

Victoria cuts in to the unwanted spirituality seminar to suggest that Athena’s preaching is “a bit much.”

“Victoria is a woman of very low vibration,” Athena informs viewers with utter certainty. “Spiritually, she’s nowhere enlightenment or an awakening.”

As Athena retreats to check her Tarot and perform a light smudging, Matty informs Victoria that their highly-vibrating new friend may not have achieved enlightenment herself: Before the party, she was gossiping that she’d heard Victoria was (shock, horror) a fat child.

Krissy, who it’s becoming increasingly clear does have the social skills of a Wookie, somehow mishears the ‘child’ part of this, and starts telling Victoria that she’s only put on a few kilos recently and she’s not really looking that much fatter than normal.

Athena returns to the group and Victoria asks her about the ‘fat little girl’ gossiping.

“What are you offended about? That you were a fat little girl when you were little? Isn’t that the reaaaalityyyy?” Athena asks. It may sound cruel, but don’t worry, she’s actually vibrating very highly.

Victoria decides to rise above the taunts. Can the two start over as friends, she asks? And if so, can she try on Athena’s amazing fishing net cape?

Athena agrees to this olive branch. How lovely! Female solidarity. What a sweet and tender mome-

“You can go and get your f**king cape Athena, and I’ll see you later.”

VICTORIA OUT.

The other Housewives are absolutely shocked at this admittedly pretty baller move.

“I’m horrified! It’s not what women do,” says Melissa.

As Athena fumes — Where can she get a replacement net? Is Bunnings even open at this hour? — Victoria saunters off, giddy in the knowledge that she’s just delivered the first truly jaw-dropping moment of the season.

“D’ya know what? I did her a favour. That’s the ugliest coat I’ve ever seen in my life,” she cackles as she and Krissy flee.

“I’m just worried it’s going to choke a dolphin.”

Next week: Bitching, bitching and more bitching. The girls organise a group lunch — but is Athena off the invite list? And which Housewife turns up to the all-white lunch dressed in black? (Clue: She’s Most Definitely Not Like Other Girls).

The Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel. In the meantime, talk all things Housewives with recapper Nick Bond, a woman of very low vibration, on Twitter at @bondnickbond.