Working life is hectic. If your job is like mine, there's barely time to catch a breath before yet another traffic jam or staff meeting or disciplinary hearing sucks it right back out of you. Sometimes all you want is a quiet moment alone, to reflect. To regroup. To sob quietly into your hands and wonder where it all went so wrong.



Needless to say, I spend a lot of time in the john.



Problem is, I'm not the only one. Maybe it's the recession -- or maybe it's the new 'Burrito Blowout' special in the cafeteria -- but lately the back stall in the mens' room has been more popular than the water cooler by the hot receptionist's desk. Every time I need a 'time out', there's some guy already back there. And probably pooping. I needed some way to keep the other guys away from my 'thinking chair'.



Few things would make me do a bathroom about-face faster than a piece of poo lounging on the rim of the 'pool', rather than in it. I bought a six-pack of these, to ensure my 'fortress of solitude' would remain undisturbed for the long haul.



I positioned one on the side of the bowl to shoo away the intraoffice interlopers. It wasn't outrageously realistic, but that seemed okay -- the last thing I'd do if I saw something large and brown on the toilet seat is dive in for a closer look. That's just not a situation where you ask probing questions like 'Poop or Dupe?', 'Scat or Nat?', or 'Cosby, Spills, Ash or Dung?' You see brown on the chair; you run away from there. That's the rule.



Or so I thought. Evidently, some joker is more eagle-eyed -- or desperate -- than I am. I tried every morning for a full week dropping plastic poop on the deck, but by mid-afternoon each day the deck was clear -- and the stall was 'occupado' most of the time. When I finally managed to sneak in for a break, I found the perp had fashioned a sort of hanging 'poop mobile' from the missing products. It doesn't seem to deter any of the people I was trying to keep out -- but we've had some real trouble keeping a janitor on the floor since then. Poor guys aren't expecting THAT on their first night on the job.