Oh shit, y’all

When we first heard that this was A Thing, we were ever-so-excited. Would it be hilarious? Definitely. Would it be sexy? …probably not. Would everyone be fully functional? YOU BET. So I downloaded it and set to watching.

Before we dive in, I do want to mention that this post will be safe for work and the kiddies. This is a fashion blog, not Fleshbot. If you want screencaps of the naked parts, feel free to tweet at me (@ajlobster) and I will happily provide you with some. I will also say that YES I KNOW the clothes are highly, highly secondary in a porn movie. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held to a standard.

The episode opens with a surprisingly lovely porn Enterprise, or Pornterprise…

They even threw in some lens flares for the Abrams fans

…and the customary Captain’s Log voiceover. Data and an away team are on a planet, investigating some sort of radiation:

Everyone knows tricorders don’t have beams, ughhhhhhh

Right off, it’s very clear these aren’t regulation uniforms. First of all, they are quite clearly made of that polyester that cheap Halloween costumes are made of, not the high-quality wool blend of the real thing. Second of all, the guy on the right has a visible belt. Bad form. And third, banded bottoms?? No. Banded bottoms are for Wesley Crusher and anyone else who wants to look like a dumbass, not real crew members. Incidentally, can you tell in this shot who is supposed to be Data?

The away team reports their findings to the Pornterprise, with Ensign Ro at the helm:

We couldn’t get Michael Westmore, so we just used an eyebrow pencil

I’m going to mention it now, and again later, but damn, these porn actresses have some nice eyebrows. Aside from the nose ridges, which look a little janky, this is a pretty good Ensign Ro replica. The hair looks right, and she has the correct number of pips on her collar! The rest of the crew is hit or miss, though:

Do we have some beige office chairs? Yeah, just roll those in

This bridge is not great, but it’s not bad either. And be honest: for like a second, did you think they’d actually gotten Patrick Stewart to be in this porn version? How much would you pay to see that??? Seriously, though, this guy is a dead ringer:

Bizarro Jean-Luc

The thing that really threw me off, though, was his accent. It’s not this guy’s fault; Patrick Stewart is a classically trained actor who shed his Yorkshire accent. This guy is just some dude from London who somehow got into porn and happens to look a whole lot like Picard.

Riker’s bizarro, however:

NOPE

This guy looks like Christopher McDonald (whom I normally refer to as Shooter McGavin) and an oompa-loompa had a baby. And I’m sorry, sir, but First Officer William Riker does not have a stupid-looking goatee. He has a classy beard.

Good parts here: his hair is sufficiently luxurious, and the communicators at least they look like they’re made of metal.

Which brings us to Fake Troi.

Once again: eyebrows

Wow, porn industry, it must have been so hard to find a skinny girl with huge tits to play Deanna Troi. That weave is pretty good though.

What Data and his away team have found on the planet they are on is a box containing:

Nostril shots are the new money shots

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!?!? No, you don’t, because her wig is fucking terrible. It’s supposed to be Tasha Yar, the one who was the mother of Sela in the alternate timeline. She doesn’t know anything about this timeline, except that she is IN a different timeline, and keeps saying things like “in your universe,” which was confusing to me, because how do you figure out you’re from a different universe? Anyway, no matter. They bring her on board the Pornterprise to be checked out by Dr. Crusher.

All of this happens in about the first 5 minutes or so, after which we join Riker and Troi for a date in the holodeck:

Imzadi

I have to say, this is exactly what I expect the crew does in the holodeck, all the time. Literally infinite locales in which to get busy! Think of the possibilities!! Fake Riker, though, is not super-imaginative, since he chooses THE BRIDGE OF THE GODDAMN ENTERPRISE as the site of their down-getting, and Fake Troi could not be happier about it:

Snaggletooth (I have one too, girl, it’s ok)

Really, Fake Riker? Really? You can fuck on the surface of the fucking SUN if you wanted to and you pick YOUR OWN SHIP’S BRIDGE???? I get that a) there are practical concerns in having another setpiece and b) interesting power dynamics in re: Captain Picard, etc., but dude, show a little creativity.

Fake Troi does not complain about the locale, but she does tell Fake Riker that he can’t kiss her until he gets rid of his beard. First of all, THAT IS NOT A BEARD. That is a goatee, and it sends a totally different message about the wearer. Second of all, Bearded Riker beats Beardless Riker any day of the week. And to Fake Troi I say:

And just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, the kissing is the one thing she won’t do.

His face never changes

At this point, I will say only that yes, this is really really a porn movie and that those chairs are going to need to be disinfected, probably. Oh, and that those tits are real.

Real/spectacular

I cannot handle how wrinkly that uniform is!!!! But even more than that, I CANNOT HANDLE THIS WIG:

Not allowed

Look. I get that you are working on a budget. I get that you want to make Tasha blonde so that fans of the show recognize her. But guys. This wig is distractingly bad. You can get a better one at any wig store on 14th St. Also, WHY IS IT LONG?

Bon Jovi groupies still exist in the 24th century, apparently

Points for trying to make that top interesting; minus points for using pleather to make it interesting. The funny part is that I don’t think this top was ever really intended to be seen without the jacket over it:

Badassssssssssssss

I do sort of dig that jacket, especially the shoulder detailing, but pleather, ugh. Sorry, cows, your skin is really nice-looking when it gets made into shoes and jackets. I hope you went to a Temple Grandin slaughterhouse and then to Cow Heaven.

So now Tasha is “back,” even though this isn’t really the Tasha this crew knows, but she seems like she knows them? But she doesn’t? Again, IT DOESN’T MATTER. She meets the rest of the crew again, or possibly for the first time:

Captain, your back zipper is puckering

We’ll see more of Fake Worf in a second (his wig is less bad, but still kind of bad), but can we talk about Gordito LaForge over there?

Like Gladys Knight’s solo career: no pips

I wonder where they got those skinny skinny sunglasses for him. I hope it was Hot Topic.

I also wonder how many porn actors there are that fit the description of clean-cut black fellow. He looks like he drives a minivan and runs a boy scout troop.

Fake Geordi decides that to solve the mystery of why Tasha Yar is back, he needs to consult his Dr. Leah Brahms program, so he heads over to the holodeck:

He just looks so excited

Obviously, he’s saved the program since all those years ago in case he ever needed it again, and also because I always assumed he was banging HoloBrahms every day anyway. Fake Holobrahms is quite pretty:

Pretty good, wigmaster, FOR ONCE

HoloBrahms is wearing a cool-looking future skirt suit that I actually really like:

Sleeve length: STILL AN ISSUE APPARENTLY

Just like in the real show, her goddamn sleeves are too short. But it’s a nice green color, and that brocade fabric looks like it cost more than $2/yard, which is more than I can say for anything else up to this point.

So Geordi, are you going to do better than Riker did with your location? Where are we going to go? The gamma quadrant? The circus? That one weird place at the edge of the universe? You can pick anywhere!!!

�

More disappointing than sex with the real Geordi

…aaaaaaaaand you picked a black abyss. GREAT. I hate you. Particularly amusing to me is that the cute suit HoloBrahms is wearing is extremely complicated and difficult to remove:

It’s like trying to fuck an onion

One would think that the costume designer of a porn movie would take these things into consideration. Tear-away pants are, frankly, never a bad idea in general.

So they bone on this couch that somehow appeared in the black abyss at some point. Pretty HoloBrahms has some pretty good faces, but I liked this one:

Seriously, it’s like they are teaching a class on good eyebrows

“Yep, that happened, and I’m not a real person. Brahms out!”

Next up, Data goes to visit Yar in her temporary quarters:

Posture mode: erect

Honestly, the guy they got to play Data is kind of amazing. He gets the cadence right, and a lot of the physicality as well. Check out this face:

ACTING

Not bad, porn star. Very within the Data wheelhouse. Now, you might think that because they are in Tasha’s bedroom, and because they have a history of “being intimate,” they are about to knock the boots. Not so! Well, not yet, at least. First, we have to see how the Ridged Faces are doing:

Space karate, or whatever the Klingon/Bajoran equivalent is

I guess the writer/director just really wanted to see some hot ridge-on-ridge action:

If this was a Faceoff challenge, you wouldn’t win, but you wouldn’t lose either

All right on the ridges, pretty good on the facial hair. The pompadour looks a little bit Brillo pad, but overall a nice Worf effect. Ensign Ro continues to be a good copy as well:

Intense eyes

They spar for a while in a sexy manner:

They’re fighting here, promise

But at some point, the intensity of the fight shifts its focus and we get this actually kind of nice shot of Fake Ro:

I had them paint the walls to match my skin

The simple black tank makes sense, but I sort of wish they were wearing those tai chi outfits that pop up occasionally on the series. In any event, she takes a break from trying to punch Fake Worf to really see him, you know?

Touch as soft as a pillowcase of puppies

There is actually a lot of nice kissing in this movie before all the tawdry 20-minute sex scenes. This one is probably the best one, though:

Get a leg up

I want to take a minute to mention the music in all the sex scenes in this thing, because it is BONKERS. It sounds like “spacey” + whalesong + haunted house. It is highly unsexy music. I was not expecting a brown-chicken-brown-cow situation, but something slightly more sexy than, like, a theremin holding on to a single high note for 5 seconds at a time would be nice.

So we’ve gotten through Troi/Riker, LaForge/Brahms, and Worf/Ro. We are running out of pairings, so let’s move forward! Time for Yar/Data:

Fully functional

With many of the other scenes, they sort of eased into the full-on boning, but this one was different in that it went from this shot:

The whole planet can see you guys doing it

…directly to a shot of Yar, fully nude except for her boots, which means she took the boots off, then took off all of her clothes, then replaced the boots. So much work.

Notable things that happen in this sequence: Data’s face never changes, but he does occasionally speak, and Yar keeps her boots on the whole time. Then he leaves her, peacefully sleeping:

Sort of sweet in a weird, badly-wigged way

What happens next is an attempt to wrap up what little plot there is: a Romulan ship appears:

The words “cloak” and “chlamydia” are etymologically related

And who should be aboard, commanding it, but our old pal Sela:

This wig is like 8000 times better

This costume, while certainly serviceable, is maybe the most disappointing, because of the sheer insane genius of what the Romulans actually wear. This looks like a tunic made out of a plastic tablebcloth and some metal belts from Strawberry.

Apparently the Romulans had some sort of plan to use Tasha as a communication device? With tachyons? There are a lot of tachyons in her blood? But then Tasha shoots the Romulan ship with a photon torpedo? And everyone is saved? I was sort of falling asleep at this point and then even when I watched it again, I still had very little idea what was happening. What I do know is that when the Romulan ship leaves the area of the Pornterprise, Tasha collapses, because the tachyons in her blood are somehow tied to the Romulan ship (WHAT?!?! IT DOESN’T MATTER).

Keep my wig as a reminder of me

She says something about her death not being pointless, but, uh, Tasha? You didn’t have to die to save the ship. You shot the Romulans with a photon torpedo and they went away and everything was cool. But I guess they had to re-kill her. I’d want to die if that was my wig, too:

Be a little more obvious, wig

So we are down to our final pairing: Picard and Crusher. Yes, Dr. Crusher is in this. No, she has not been in any other scenes, just talked about. But first, Picard needs to relax a little bit and play his flute:

The Inner Light

I laughed out loud at this, both due to the inclusion of this great detail from the actual show, and due to Fake Picard’s face as he plays it. I don’t think we even need Crusher for this to get sexy. She rings his doorbell, and his customary greeting to visitors takes on a whole new meaning.

Blue lab coat realness

This wig is kind of bad too, but at least it looks like what Crusher’s hair is supposed to look like. And the lab coat isn’t bad at all.

They have a nice conversation about things that are meant to be/not meant to be that is pretty much on par with some of the season one dialogue and hold hands a little bit:

This was racy back in 1922

And then Crusher LEAVES THE ROOM. I was like “HOLD UP.” Fake Picard just gazes out his window wistfully:

The pinnacle of my career as a porn actor who looks like Patrick Stewart

But thankfully Fake Crusher comes back in.

Smooches

PHEW. I was worried I wasn’t going to get my money’s worth. Fake Crusher has what might be my favorite line of dialogue, which is “I always wondered what was underneath here,” whilst kneeling before the captain:

Gaze in awe

I don’t know about you guys, but to me, it’s not a big mystery what’s going on underneath someone’s pants. Yes, there is a range of size/color/etc. but like – it’s not going to be a unicorn. It’s not going to be a chess set. It’s not going to be a sandwich.

This was the sex scene I watched the least of (I watched very little of all of them), but what I did see was some GOOD FUCKING BROWS:

I had to crop this for your own good

And then it’s over, and Fake Picard gazes out upon Fake Space, from the window of his ready room on the Pornterprise.

Yo pips is missing

I think there is a certain kind of TNG fan for whom watching this would be traumatizing. You probably know who you are. But for another segment of the fan base, this is a fanfic come to life, and it’s sort of interesting and amusing to see how they incorporate (or attempt to) the real universe of TNG into their story. For those people, I say get your paws on this movie somehow.

That said, you will never, ever get over how bad Tasha’s wig is.