Everyone possesses narcissistic traits. To be completely un-narcissistic, in fact, is not healthy and related to a disorder termed “echoism” or “co-dependency”. So, what is healthy narcissism and when does this cross over to an unhealthy, or pathological, state?

Healthy narcissism is possessing confidence, self-love, and independence. It means that one is comfortable in their own skin and is able to make their own decisions. Healthy narcissism means that an individual is still capable of being empathetic toward others and sharing emotions. The narcissism benefits the individual in that it allows for him or her to progress in a meaningful way and form solid connections with others.

Pathological narcissism exists when others are hurt by the actions of the narcissist. This is excessive self-love and grandiosity to the point that others do not matter at all. In fact, everyone else seen merely as an extension of self. Those in a narcissist’s intimate circle must exude perfection at all times because they contribute to the narcissist’s own self-image rather than exist on their own.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are incapable of feeling nay empathy toward others. They do not share the same emotions as those who possess healthy narcissism and they prey on those who are entirely un-narcissistic. Codependent individuals, who are unconcerned with their own needs, are especially likely to cater to those with NPD, which makes for the perfect match in the eyes of the narcissist.

Pathological narcissists lie, manipulate and maintain control over their victims. At a healthy level, there is need to do these things. “Normal” individuals believe it’s natural for people to have differing opinions or worldviews. Although they may be drawn to individuals with similar views, values or morals,, they do not actively attempt to change the opinions of others in order to mirror their own. Differences are acceptable. They are entirely unacceptable to those with NPD.

At what point is there no going back?

The moment narcissism begins to demean or belittle others or becomes utterly abusive, it has crossed over to the pathological state and has become extremely dangerous. Essentially, it means that an individual will stop at nothing to protect his or her ego, no matter how many people get hurt along the way.

Pathological narcissists are unable to maintain relationships with others beyond surface level connections. This is because intimate relationships make the narcissist susceptible to “being revealed” and they are unable to take any criticism. They are not only unable to take it, they incur narcissistic injury and become determined to seek revenge against anyone imposing even the most trivial slights.

Those with NPD are so self-absorbed, yet have such little genuine self-esteem, they are in constant intangible competition with others, worried that someone will come along who is more competent than themselves. They are constantly on the lookout for others capable of taking control from them. This is why, when challenged by individuals capable of doing so, they lash out and become determined to destroy them. One cannot reason with a pathological narcissist. It’s utterly impossible. They are set in their ways and everything they say or do is inherently right, the best way to do things, and not open for interpretation or questioning.

Victims of pathological narcissists are usually those who have been sucked into close relationships with their abusers due to reasons beyond their control, such as being born to narcissistic parents, or because of superficial charm. They find themselves under the thumb of a dangerous manipulator seeking ultimate control and feel they are unable to escape. Usually, if they summon the courage leave, they undergo vicious, life-altering battles as the narcissist stops at nothing to regain control.

It’s important to follow your gut and identify red flags early on. If something about a person just doesn’t sit right with you, leave or limit contact as soon as possible. It may seem like “no big deal” at first, but whatever the issue is will inevitably snowball into larger, more complex and dangerous issues the longer you stay in the situation. Always trust your instincts.

Knowledge is power. Break the silence. Break the cycle.