AFL chief Gillon McLachlan has been drug tested. Credit:Eddie Jim I mean it. You and I, like almost all Australians, are not asked by our employers to provide swab tests and the like to prove we don't smoke dope or take cocaine or ecstasy or whatever – and if asked would refuse to do it – but for some reason, professional sportspeople regularly have to do this. But never the administrators of the game or the clubs, and never the coaches. For what reason? Isn't this the equivalent of running an airline, where everybody but the pilots and the people in Air Traffic Control are tested? But it is important, I hear you say, the players be clean and clear-eyed, because they have to perform at a high level? Ok, then, lets return to the original question. The game has already said that McLachlan is 20 times more important than the Collingwood squad member, because it is paying him 20 times as much. So why force the player, but not the CEO? I've got you, and you know it. Eddie McGuire is right. The current system is a farce. What players do on a Saturday night, and what they ingest is none of our damn business. You can wish they wouldn't take drugs, but, ultimately so long as they are not performance-enhancing the game has absolutely no right to know if they do or don't. Not so Goodes

Mr Speaker! Courtesy of a reader, I wish to raise a point of order. I table the SCG Trust, March 2016 edition Around the Grounds magazine, which contains a tribute to the Swans at the SCG, highlighting most particularly the sterling service of Adam Goodes' final match. All well and good. But then the account goes on to mention that Goodes "retired graciously despite being repeatedly booed by opposition fans, forcing him to take personal leave to assess his future during his final year". Mr Speaker, if it please the House I seek to know why the account didn't add, "and constantly vilified publicly by a current SCG Trustee, Alan Jones" in that sentence. Thank you. No further questions. Cricket death search Following the tragic death of Philip Hughes, Australian cricket doctor Peter Brukner along with Adelaide historian Tom Gara have been researching deaths in cricket, in Australia and internationally. They are looking specifically at deaths from injuries, not natural causes. They have found a shockingly high number of fatalities: greater than 160 in Australia alone. They are nearing the end of their research, but believe that members of the public may have knowledge of additional deaths directly related to cricket. If any of our readers can help, please email cricket_fatalities@ozemail.com.au. Risque names

You will recall my story of a fortnight ago about the greyhound, 50 years ago, submitted for registration in NSW by some Sydney University students with the name "Bordello Boy". Alas, they were knocked back on the name. So they resubmitted with the new name "Phallic Symbol" and got straight through. A reader tells me that back in Bathurst, he had a share in a trotter in the 80s. "They named it Anaratta Detoor ... a very racey type name. It was named because of where it was born – at Tarana, a little village outside Bathurst. All the locals knew this and were aware of what the horse's name spelt when put backwards – Rooted at Tarana. Even the local bookies knew – they would shout at the odds as "5-1 ... at Tarana". It ran for a few months under this name before authorities ordered the owners to choose another name." Spoilsports! We Australian males love that kind of infantile humour, and know there are extra points involved if you can get a bit of sex in. Why can't the authorities just accept that, and work around it? Huh? HUH? Team of the week



Shane Watson. The likeable Australian all-rounder announced his retirement from all forms of the game at the international level.

Swans. Playing first match of year, with Buddy Franklin, coming back after his battle with mental health. Eddie Jones. The most peripatetic international rugby coach there ever was, has taken England from being the World Cup easy-beats to a Six Nations grand slam within six months. Sydney Uni Women's Water Polo Club. Are now the celebrated National League Champions after taking down last year's champions, the Brisbane Barracudas, 12-8 in the grand final. One for the goodies, Won for the Goodies. Burwood Briars. In the Sydney Shires cricket competition, has made the final in all grades for the third time in four years. Todd Greenberg. The one-time Bulldogs boss takes over as boss of the NRL.

Jason Day. Arnold Palmer Invitational winner. Approaches the Masters in form. Ocean 12. The cricket team made up of asylum seekers are setting the Last Man Stands competition alight as Parramatta Champions, which they followed up by beating the Northern Sydney and Eastern Sydney Champs. Again, the Sydney cricketing community has outdone themselves. Bravo. RIP. Johan Cruyff. The Dutch soccer great dies of cancer aged 68.

What they said



Our own Jared Tallent after being awarded gold in 50km following the formal disqualification of the Russian drug cheat who breasted the tape first on the day: "History has been rewritten tonight. I am the Olympic champion and justice has been served. I'm very excited to see the result amended and thank all those who have supported me across this journey."

Marketing fluff for the new Socceroos strip: "The dark obsidian blue away kit celebrates the country's surf culture and further accentuates its spectacular coastline with a unique jersey pattern. The shirts and shorts also have stripes down the side, green for home and blue for away. These stripes expand when the player is in motion to maximise ventilation and reveal bold flashes of underlying yellow." Bloody hell. Yves St Laurent, eat your HEART out!

Raymond Moore, the Tournament Director of Indian Wells, last Sunday morning: "If I was a lady player, I'd go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born, because they have carried this sport. They really have." He had resigned by the next day. Serena Williams gave him an overhead smash before he quit: "You know, there's only one way to interpret that. Get on your knees, which is offensive enough, and thank a man ... we shouldn't have to drop to our knees at any point." Yes, I know. But wild horses could not make me go down that path. Rafael Nadal on former French minister Roselyne Bachelot, who publicly suggested he faked an injury in 2012 to hide a positive drug test: "I gonna sue her, and I gonna sue everyone who gonna comment something similar in the future, because I am tired of that."



What scares fearless English rugby star Billy Vunipola: "We haven't seen Eddie [Jones] lose his rag with us and I hope never to see that in my life." You will, Billy, you will. Zlatan Ibrahimovic, a soccer player, and what it would take for him to stay at Paris Saint-Germain: "If they replace the Eiffel Tower with a statue of me, then I will stay. I promise."



Nick Kyrgios after losing a point at the Indian Wells tournament: "What the f--- just happened?" Kyrgios, when challenged by the chair umpire: "I didn't say anything, mate. He's a line umpire, it's not part of his job ... to make shit up. I don't even want to play any more. This is bullshit." It is, Nick. And you are embarrassing us all.

The umpire: "Please, don't use bad words." A reader's favourite Cometti-ism: "Chris Evert has married a Brit, an American and an Aussie. She's just a Frenchman away from a grand slam." Chairman John Grant, announcing the new chief executive of the NRL: "Todd Greenberg not only ticked all the boxes ... he nailed them." Loading Kiwi middle-distance runner Nick Willis on his demons: "Porn makes you think you are having sexual needs met, but really they are hollow and leave you feeling empty and lonelier than before. Basically, pornography is a very unnatural (and very temporary) solution that people use to satisfy a natural desire. I am 2.5years porn free (and it feels AMAZING)."