Got a question for Andy? (Picture: Charlotte Cockell for Metro.co.uk )

Is your mother-in-law giving you grief? Is Donald Trump turning you into a raging alcoholic? Is it your fault nobody loves you? Andy has the answer.

Well, at least an answer. It’s not like you’re paying for it.

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Be warned – he’s not one to mince his words.

But if you’re ready to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about everything from having a threesome to warding off unwanted parenting advice, then you’re ready for your latest dose of your new favourite agony uncle, Andy.


Dear Andy, Me and my long-term girlfriend are keen on the idea of having a threesome. Neither of us have been involved in one before and it seems like fun. Should we do it with a person we already know, or hook up with some random dick off the internet? Thanks! Kinky Dan

Hi there Kinky Dan,

Once I made the mistake of sharing my girlfriend with another man.



A close personal friend, indeed.

We were naive, feckless and four bottles of cheap red down.

Watching a somewhat racy movie at his Turnpike Lane abode, conversation naturally turned to the group’s most outrageous sexploits. Had anyone tried a threesome? No?

Woozy glances were exchanged.

Up for it? Sure, why not.

Clothes were shed. Comparative dong-length shyly assessed – mercifully both were on a par.

Then there was urgent groping, sucked-in stomachs, and an ungainly tangle of limbs.

Yes, we switched ends at half time. He finished first. Ugh.

I’ll never forget watching his pearly parabola of spunk splattering across my sweetheart’s delicate cheekbones – evoking, none-too-subtly, a portentous astral alignment.

An ill-starred constellation, if ever there was one; a grisly semiotic coda to our otherwise perfect love affair.

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My girl and I rode the W4 home in silence, and broke up within the month.

Didn’t see much of the dude for a while, either.

So don’t do it, certainly not with someone you know.

Maybe see if she fancies a threesome with a girl instead?

I had one of those, once.

It was f***ing brilliant.

Andy

Dear Andy I’m a new parent and one of the hardest things, apart from the lack of sleep and constant smell of s***, is the torrent of unwelcome advice I get from strangers. Why does some old grandma on the bus think she can tell me what to do when it comes to my own child, and what’s the appropriate response? Yours, Mumra

Hi Mumra,

If I were you, I’d choke-slam that nosey old c*** right there on the bus.

Although, saying that, most buses have CCTV nowadays don’t they?

Perhaps a more nuanced approach is called for.

Come at me, bro (Picture: Getty)

I feel your pain.

As a full-time dad, I receive unsolicited commentary from strangers on a daily basis.

‘Do you think he’s a bit cold?’

‘Should he be eating those?’

‘Isn’t it a bit late for him to be up and about?’

That last one especially tickles me.

As if my little boy is chairing a f***ing shareholder meeting tomorrow at 7am.

He’ll go to bed when we’re both damn well ready, thanks. Prick.

Two things to bear in mind.

First, don’t let strangers undermine you. It’s easy, especially with your first child, to let conflicting advice shake your instinctive certainties.

Human beings have been rearing infants for two million years; babies are more resilient than we think.

Focus on the basics – food, hygiene, warmth – because everything else is just faddy nonsense.



Second, the person chipping in their two cents can’t actually help it.

As you’re probably only just beginning to understand, being a parent warps your brain.

It gets worse, too, with each passing year.

That’s why your mum is such a nightmare.

Yes, I don’t know anything about her but I’m still right.

Decades of parenting makes people weird.

It’ll happen to you one day.

Just try to keep your trap shut on the bus when it does.

(Spoiler: you won’t be able to)

Andy

xxx

MORE: Ask Andy: Donald Trump is driving me to drink – what should I do?

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Got a question for Andy? Got a burning question you think Andy might be able to answer? Comment below and let us know or email hey@metro.co.uk

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