It’s exhausting being a cyclist in Australia. Not the pedalling. I love the pedalling. For every 10,000 rotations, I can eat another cake, guilt-free. I live my life under the mantra that cycling is just an interlude between meals.

What’s tiring about cycling in this country is having to defend my right to exist as a legitimate road user. My cause is not helped by those who should know better. Transport ministers who play to the tabloid press with threats of forcing cyclists to be registered and insured. Or game shows such as Family Feud that pose provocative questions like “something annoying a cyclist might do” and offer the contestants eight possible answers, including “taking driving lane”. What on earth is a “driving lane?” I assume they mean the lane, which a cyclist is entitled to use, not just the narrow glass-strewn section on the left where we often exile ourselves. The cyclist can take the whole lane. It’s the law, Family Feud. Not “something annoying”.

So, in the interests of educating the producers of Family Feud, can I pose eight possible answers to the question, “something annoying an anti-cyclist might say.”

1. Get registration and pay your way!

Many cyclists own cars. We already pay registration. Registration does not pay for the roads we use. This comes from general revenue. Pedestrians, cyclists and motorists all contribute to this infrastructure through taxes which heavily favour motor vehicles and not other more environmentally-sustainable forms of transport such as cycling, walking and public transport. The income from registration often does not cover the cost of implementing the scheme.

2. Get registration so you can be identified!

The motorist as vigilante. It seems as if every motorist wants to dob in a cyclist who goes through a red light. And yet, it’s rare to hear these same motorists complaining about fellow drivers running red lights. Police aren’t overwhelmed by motorists reporting the number plates of cars seen doing something illegal. And remember, if a cyclist goes through a red light, it’s likely he/she will come off second best.

3. Get insured!

Recently, an article appeared in various media outlets citing the sad case of a pedestrian hit by a cyclist. The victim incurred injuries resulting in a sizeable dental bill. The cyclist was uninsured. Naturally, there were calls for all cyclists to be insured. But, do we want to go down that route where every activity must be insured? What if the offender was an absent-minded jogger? Or if the woman was bitten by a dog on a leash? Or punched by a cowardly drunk. I’d suggest these three occurrences are much more likely. Should we immediately call for all joggers, dog-owners and drunks to be insured?

4. Get off my footpath!

Cyclists are allowed to cycle on the footpath in Queensland. Unless they are under 12 years old, in the rest of Australia they should keep to the road or designated cycle path. Fair enough. But sometimes it’s extremely unsafe to cycle on the road and when there’s no adequate infrastructure to seperate fragile bicycles from two-tonnes of speeding metal, the cyclist chooses the footpath. When they do this, the cyclist should slow down and take extra care. But just because one cyclist is abusive or rides dangerously, don’t immediately blame every cyclist for his misdeeds. Put your righteous anger into calling for proper infrastructure to keep all road users safe.

5. Get out of the Lycra!

This is my favourite because it’s usually yelled from behind a steering wheel by a guy in a football jersey. Cyclists are accused of thinking they’re Cadel Evans by donning the tight-fitting Lycra. Here’s the rub (ahem) – we wear Lycra to stop chaffing. All those rotations and all that sweat can lead to nasty red patches on the skin. Ouch. I’m aware I look faintly ridiculous. I don’t care. I want to be comfortable. To all you fat blokes wearing a Manchester United Rooney jersey, look up the meaning of the word “irony”. I don’t mean you, Wayne.

6. Get your exercise in a gym!

This is usually linked to the Lycra abuse. Some people think that if we’re on a bike, we’re not actually going anywhere, we’re just exercising and holding up traffic. The people who say this can’t seem to get their head around the fact that cycling is a viable form of commuting. We’re actually on our way to work. Often at a faster pace than the dude behind the steering wheel. Chill, OK. Every person on a bike is potentially one less car on the road. One less car in your traffic jam.

7. You can’t overtake me on the left!

Cyclists usually keep to the left so cars can overtake more easily. However, when all traffic is banked up at a stop sign or traffic light, cyclists are legally allowed to overtake cars on the left. This seems to offend many motorists, who think we’re gaining an advantage. They have conveniently forgotten how we let them pass just a few minutes earlier by not taking the whole lane, which as I’ve mentioned we’re legally entitled to do. Don’t blame me for following the road rules. Just take a deep breath and wait a few more seconds until it’s safe to pass me. Or better still, join me on tomorrow’s commute and help shorten that long line of traffic. We’ll all benefit.

8. Get off the road!

This is usually shouted from a passing vehicle. Sometimes it’s accompanied by a hurled object. Both these forms of abuse foster mutual distrust and animosity. Thankfully, the road toll in this country is being reduced. Sadly, not in the case of cyclists. We’re dying in increasing numbers. Studies have shown that in accidents between bike and car, the motorists is usually at fault. We all need to treat each other with more respect. The courts could do more to protect we fragile road users. I spend my daily ride cycling very defensively. Whenever a motorist does something that is courteous or thoughtful, I’m always quick to acknowledge their actions. Whenever I’m abused or threatened, I try to chill and think of how pleasant it is to be in the saddle outdoors powering myself to my destination, burning the calories, enjoying the sunshine, dreaming of cake.

I shouldn’t have to defend my choice of vehicle to the likes of Family Feud, the tabloid media or careless motorists. I should feel safe on the roads, as is everyone’s right.