So, I hate bureaucracy. I hate the way it’s spelled, I hate the way it works and I hate the complete lack of common sense involved in its implementation. So, when I heard that the makers of Nanodots, those cool mini-magnetic-ball-thingies, were jumping through hoops to ensure that theirs was the safest mini-magnetic-ball-thingies on the market, I wanted to see what’s up.

Apparently, parents who buy the other brands can’t read warning labels that say HEY! DUMMY! THESE ARE NOT TOYS, DON’T GIVE THEM TO YOUR KIDS! and keep giving them to their kids, who then eat them, choke on them, snort them or whatever else the kids do these days. Nanodots is REALLY proud that the people that buy their brand are literate so that they can read the massive amounts of warnings that they put on their packaging and not give them to their kids. Nanodots’ marketing chick is REALLY good at her job because I can’t think of them without thinking “Nanodots is the only mini-magnetic-ball-thingie company with a perfect safety record.” All I’m trying to do is make an R2D2 out of magnets and I can’t stop thinking about safety.

Anyways, Nanodots pulled their ish from being available in America while they made their mini-magnetic-ball-thingies even more safe. They did this by adding something called AversiveTech. What’s AversiveTech? It’s the taste of rotting death built into the things so kids won’t want to eat them. I read on the warning that they tasted “bitter,” but I’m trying to report the facts here, so I tried a little taste. Now, they don’t smell like anything, so I was like “This can’t be that bad.” I slowly put the tip of my tongue out (I kind of want to watch A Christmas Story right now) and give one a little lick. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

Obviously you are not supposed to eat these, but this AversiveTech is there to make sure you don’t even get them near your mouth. It’s like a Catholic Nun for your tongue. Sure, it’s generally pleasant, but do not be naughty or you feel the sharp sting of a ruler on your tastebuds.

Anyways, back to the bureaucracy, there’s a government safety commission that is trying to figure out whether to ban the mini-magnetic-ball-thingies due to people being dumbasses or not. All the while, without being told they have to, Nanodots are making these things as safe as humanly possible. Dear government, don’t take my Nanodots away!

-Jonathan Yost