I must start by saying that I’ve never really liked Froot Loops. I was always more of a Trix guy growing up. I can’t say why, exactly. Maybe it was my sympathy for the Trix rabbit, or maybe it was because I never really understood the appeal of Toucan Sam. He was boring and dull, nothing like my buddy “Two-Can Sam” who earned his nickname through his method of drinking which led to alcohol poisoning. Perhaps I never really dug Froot Loops because my elementary school would feed me stale ones every morning.

It also could’ve even been the fact that my school district switched from milk cartons to milk bags in the mid nineties, forcing us to puncture the bags like savages. The milk went everywhere but in the bowl, causing me to dress the cereal with tears when the milk from the bag ran out. So maybe it was the horrible traumatization, but I can’t be sure. What I am sure of is that I no longer have to relive those memories, as Froot Loops now come in straw form.

“Straws…made of cereal? This is fucking AWESOME!”

What do you mean? That wasn’t what you were thinking? Okay, you’re probably right. On the list of “things nobody asked for, but we’re going to give you anyways,” cereal straws has to rank in the top five. On that basis alone, it was worthy of an impulsive buy. I need to drink more milk, anyways. I haven’t grown in years and the commercials say it helps prevent osteoporosis in women. I’m not sure if I need that second part, but you can never be too sure.

Upon perforating one of the two packages, the perfume of fake fruit and powdered milk permeated the air and tempted the taste buds (try to say that without sounding like Daffy Duck, I dare you). There’s something about unabashedly artificial flavoring that’s both charming and nostalgic…sexual, even. Alright, maybe not sexual, but something pleasant nonetheless. The straws were thinner than what the box indicated, looking more like real straws than giant-sized novelty pens. They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

God damn, it’s like a snake eating its own tail!

Alas, cereal straws are apparently too cool for the laws of this universe and exist only as fun, yet impractical novelties.

Item: Froot Loops Cereal Straws

Price: $2.00

Purchased at: Wal-Mart

Rating: 6 out of 10

Pros: Froot Loops flavor and fragrance. Snackable without milk. Actually works as a straw. My buddy “Two-Can Sam.”

Cons: Ridiculously pointless. Extremely artificial taste. Alcohol poisoning. Daffy Duck’s speech impediment. Can’t drink and eat at same time.