Titanic Captain maintains ‘honest, principled stance’ by continuing course toward iceberg

Steering a course directly towards the iceberg shows the Captain has principles, the crew aboard the Titanic have insisted today.

Supporters of the Captain say that he’s acting in an honest and straightforward manner by laying in a course at full steam ahead toward the enormous lump of Arctic death directly in front of the ship, and any change now would ‘show weakness in the face of hostile press’.

Meanwhile, the captain is understood to be holding Diane Abbott on the poop deck whilst shouting “I’m king of the world!”

Passengers expressing concern that the iceberg appears strong and stable and suggesting that taking to the lifeboats to join another ship have been described as ‘scum’ by loyal crew.

“People criticise the captain for his iceberg-collision policy, but they never talk about his other ideas like an improvement to steerage conditions and a lovely buffet at lunch for all passengers,” said crewman Simon Williams.

“No, it’s all Iceberg this and save me that and turn the ship you fool oh God we’re all going to drown.

“If you think like that you should join the Tories.”

The captain has already confirmed he will stay on after the ship has sunk, showing that he is not only willing to go down with his ship but to keep it there as well.