Kids these days. It's just shameful. They have no respect, no sense of history, no appreciation for their forbearers. Used to be pitchers in Major League Baseball treated cheating like an art form. Nowadays they're happy to act like finger-painting kindergarteners in a smock.

Look at New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda on Thursday, with the giant mess of gloop on his hand – his pitching hand! – that he said, with a straight face, was "dirt." Note to cheaters: There is this thing called a high-definition camera. It shoots moving pictures at 1,080 pixels per square inch. Dirt is not viscous.

It is a fairly well-known fact, by this point, that teams do not care if pitchers apply a foreign substance to a ball so long as it's for purposes of grip, which hitters reason keeps them safer. MLB doesn't seem to mind, either, rarely meting out discipline even though Rule 8.02(a)(4) says pitchers cannot "apply a foreign substance of any kind to the ball." Whether it was pine tar or a sunscreen-and-rosin combination that oozed on Pineda's right palm, the Boston Red Sox thought so little of it that they shrugged it off. Which, considering their recent history with pitchers caught using foreign substances, was exactly how they should've handled it.

Still, this should be a matter of pride. So long as baseball continues to pay no mind to those flouting its rules, there ought at least be a common understanding that cheating deserves effort. Blatantly rubbing greasy hair. Tapping an arm with two fingers like a junkie in need of a stick-'em fix. Exposing a gooey green substance that looks like a booger inside your glove during the World Series. No, no and no.

C'mon, Josh Zeid. The Houston reliever covered both of his arms with sunscreen during a recent game, which would've been all well and good had the game not been inside the domed Rogers Centre.

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Cheating has gotten so pathetic that it's time for a set of rules to help out those who require assistance in artifice. A handful of veteran pitchers were kind enough to open up their bags of tricks for Yahoo Sports.

Consider this The Pitcher's Guide to Cheating.

1. Pine tar

One of the great beauties of pine tar is that it's actually by-the-book legal, so pitchers are given great liberties to use it. Of course, that doesn't mean they should bathe a visible body part in it.

The proper way to use pine tar: Take a small dab and put it somewhere surreptitious, like underneath the bill of a cap, inside a belt buckle or, best of all, the little flaps that fold over baseball shoes' laces and provide a perfect canvas for a dime-sized grip assist.

Do not be: The guy whose hat turns a different color because of all the pine tar on the brim. Here's looking at you, Craig Kimbrel.

2. BullFrog

Every bullpen bag includes a bottle of BullFrog sunscreen, major leaguers' go-to substance that, when mixed with rosin, turns tacky enough to replace brick mortar. Some teams keep a bottle on the bench.

The proper way to use BullFrog: A light spray on the skin in warm weather. A pump or two to the neck otherwise. A couple hits of the rosin bag on the mound to allow the homebrew to do its job.

Do not be: The guy who uses it in a dome or the guy who looks like an oil slick is emanating from his arm. Here's looking at you on both accounts, Clay Buchholz.

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