Today I went from a terrified person with learning-disorder, to an inquisitive, expressive learner that defies expectations by living one simple word.

As promised, a recap on the challenge of living the word 'terrified', which I do quite naturally and well, to living the word 'observe', defined as to 'OBjectively SERVE' myself. The reason for this is that today I had to face one of my greatest fears: performing in front of a group as I am actively learning.

This is the conclusion of my previous post:

I Live to serve

https://steemit.com/life/@kimzilla/i-live-to-serve

The act of learning had become a hostile experience during my schooling years from a young age. The competition and the positive or negative re-enforcement never really worked for me. So when I had to train for a new job today, I woke up feeling terrified at how it might play out.



Interesting how the mind works - expecting the worst, bringing up the most energetically charged memories, making it not only likely, but probable that if left unchecked, the same or similar experience will re-play.

When I went into the training room today I remembered to breathe and follow my instructions to remain objective. My nerves kept coming up into my chest, which felt tight and at times it was hard to breathe. But I continuously reminded myself to relax my shoulders and focus on understanding the information presented, and objectively observe what was going on inside of me.

How did I remain objective and what did I observe:

As the energy would come up I began just looking at it, defining it in words and letting it go, then bringing myself back to the room, the people, the information.

Secondly, in moments where I didn't comprehend, instead of keeping quite and hoping to catch up eventually due to fear of judgment, I confidently asked questions, not fearing that the information might have already been covered or that the question might sound 'stupid'. "Stupid' is a judgment, and I had promised myself to remain objective with myself.

Thirdly, when it came time to try out the application ourselves (in font of everyone on the projector), I immediately volunteered to go first. I expressed myself openly to the group, explaining that it felt awkward and slow to do something brand new, but that I knew I would pick it up in no time! This helped me to remain humble, being open about my learning process and not trying to hide it due to feeling vulnerable.

There is so much strength to be found within and as humility and vulnerability.

The cool thing is that, as I was processing in front of the group, feeling more comfortable than I ever have been, rather than terrified and self-judgmental, some of my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness was able to come through. Within this, I began asking questions about certain functions I was interested in knowing more about, asking if I could try trying different things out instead of just doing only what was being asked of me.

In doing this, I found a risk element that had not previously been identified in all the years the program had been around. The trainers that had flown in from Chicago were amazed and organized for a meeting to figure out a way to mitigate that risk.

There will be no praise or accolades here, as the whole thing played out in a very matter-of-fact kind of way. But for me, when I was able to truly appreciate what happened today, where I saw the living proof that I had gone from an aloof, detached, terrified introverted slow-learner, to someone that could keep up, experiment and investigate beyond what was expected of me, I felt like I had conquered moving mountains!

Within this, I saw my curiosity and fascination with how things work come out from some deep forgotten place within me, to the forefront where I actually enjoyed just being me. There is very little in life that is as profoundly rewarding an conquering ones fears, feeling comfort within self, and showing myself the living proof that I really can be the author of my own script.