Government finally wins a vote and announces a triumphant new directi…….ah f*ck! Never mind

Boris Johnson had the rare pleasure of feeling successful for a whole 14 minutes as the government finally won a vote to allow the second reading of his Brexit Deal, before being quickly brought back to his customary status of utter failure who sets records in terms of idiotic strategies and political impotence.

Although the feeling of being victorious was short-lived, it did provide Downing Street political staff with a rare glimpse of what it would feel like to be able to get things done.

As explained Senior Political Advisor, Simone Williams.

He went on, “I’ll admit the constant failure and daily humiliations do get to us after a while.

“So yesterday we were expecting more of the same. We had some crass remarks ready to snatch the headlines away from yet another embarrassing defeat and Mark Francois on standby to call elected MPs traitors.

“But then we won! For a couple of minutes we were too stunned to do anything. Boris had actually won a vote! When it hit us, I’m not afraid to say we went a bit mental. I jumped on my desk and some of the guys did that football thing with their shirts over their heads. It was such a weird sensation. It was fun while it lasted.

“14 minutes of feeling like we could achieve something. I’ll never forget it.

“And then we got creamed on the timetable vote and we were all back to normal, with Dominic Cummings screaming at the ceiling and the rest of us quietly looking at job openings in corporate PR.

“Know anyone hiring? I’ll be available in a month or so.”