Being a leader means getting things done; making things happen by challenging norms and a willingness to disrupt the status quo. Unfortunately, this means getting accustomed to dealing with resistance. You’ve probably had the following interaction:

You: “I’ve got this great new idea (that’s rough around the edges).”

Other person: “I’m not so sure. I have some real concerns.”

This sucks. No matter how egalitarian and open-minded you are, it’s reflexive to get a little defensive when someone challenges your ideas.

What you’re thinking: “How dare you! Do you have any idea how much I do for this company?”

Your job is knowing how to react to resistance. Show me a leader who handles resistance poorly and I’ll show you a leader building a toxic culture. The best leaders avoid knocking over others to get what they want, even when they’re making things difficult for you. By working with these stakeholders to building consensus, you’re able to have your cake and eat it too. The key is learning to use an effective form of compromise that allows everyone to leave feeling like they got what they wanted.

Does the other person have a point?

It’s easy to believe that the best solution to a controversial initiative is to minimize open discussion. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, right? No one has time to go through a big debate every time we want to get things done!

Wrong. It may be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, but it’s impossible to recoup lost credibility and trust. Dictators get things done, but they don’t build great teams. Whatever topic you’re addressing, do you really believe you’d be better off without the input of the other stakeholders? Buy-in always matters.

Take 5-10 minutes to think through the perspectives of other stakeholders. Consider why someone might be resistant to your current plan. Do they have a point? What outcome are they wanting? Might they have a deeper concern or insecurity?

If I know what they want, should I just split the difference?

No. Never meet in the middle. Never split the difference. This is why people cringe when they hear the word compromise. They think of schoolyard arguments resolved by authority figures who didn’t really care about the interests of the parties involved.

Effective compromise creates a win-win. Meeting in the middle creates a lose-lose and no one gets what they want. By using effective compromise, you work to understand the most critical issue to the other person.

Could you change one variable and fix the problem?

Approach these conversations with a sense of curiosity. Why does the person disagree? What is it that they’re worried about? What key issue is their concern?

You: “I’ve got this great new idea (that’s rough around the edges)

Other person: “I’m not so sure. I have some real concerns.”

You: “I’d love to understand them, tell me more.”

These situations have a multitude of variables. Find the one that has the biggest impact on their satisfaction and the least impact on yours. Is it possible to concede the variable they care about while protecting the variable you care about? See how far that gets you. If you’re still struggling, move onto the next variable.

Here’s a quick example:

Bob thinks his team is underpaid and is advocating for raises. His boss, Karen, tells him “Sorry, can’t happen”. Bob’s temptation is to sulk, say “well, I tried”, and spend the next month being passive-aggressive to Karen for her “lack of support”. Instead, Bob could ask: “What’s your specific concern?” If Karen is worried about timing (the company’s behind budget, timing’s bad, etc.), then Bob could suggest enacting the raises in 3 months or 6 months. If Karen is worried that the raises are too much, then Bob should focus on the employees where the need is the highest.

Meet the other person (or people) where they are by making it easy for them to say yes. These situations are only “all or nothing” if you force them to be.

Don’t forget the big picture

Whether it’s a spouse, coworker, employee, or boss, you and they are on the same team. Sure, there are things you see differently, but you want the same thing in the end: for the team to be successful. If you can keep shared success in mind, you’ll navigate conflict with ease.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Who cares if you push the deadline a week? As long as the project accomplishes the goal you’re setting out for, do you really care if it’s this week or next week? Always remember the big picture.

Put this into practice tomorrow

Have a critical item that you’re worried about? Take 10 minutes, grab a scratch piece of paper or journal, and write out your ideal outcome. What is it that you want?

After you’ve done that, answer this question: If you had to compromise, what’s an outcome that you would be satisfied with and still feel like you won? Where are you willing to negotiate and be flexible?

By having a clear understanding of a) what you want and b) what you’re willing to live with, you’ll give yourself the best chance to navigate the choppy waters of negative feedback.

You negotiate a raise with your boss. Would you be willing to take a bigger bonus instead? You’re asking for a commitment to a deadline from a coworker. Are you willing to soften up on the details? The employees have to work late to meet a quota. Can they clock out early a few days next month?

Think about this the next time you feel yourself getting defensive resistance to an idea or suggestion. Remember to ask them to explain further. Try to find their key variable, and see if you can use that to move the conversation forward. Let me know how it works for you. Message me on Twitter or send me an email. Seeing results? Consider sharing this post with someone who could benefit. Good luck out there.

-Patrick