CLARKSVILLE, TN—Noting that he had spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the matter, sources confirmed Friday that 28-year-old local man Nathan Whalen, who has no real-life career goals whatsoever, knows exactly which job he’d want in the Harry Potter universe. “I definitely think I would be a wandmaker, because I like working with my hands and I consider myself a pretty good judge of character,” said Whalen, who has reportedly bounced around a number of entry-level positions over the past several years without devoting any thought at all to his long-term career prospects. “I used to want to be a potions master, but I think all those exact measurements would get kind of tedious after a while. Though, obviously, it would be great to have an office in the dungeon.” At press time, the man who has no clue how to change the oil in his car was speaking at length about the differences between the Nimbus 2000 and Cleansweep Seven broomstick models.

Advertisement