A 4-year old goat from a farm in Tunbridge Wells has expressed his “privilege and surprise” at being compared to some of the world’s greatest players, it has been revealed.

The farmyard animal, who spends most of his days eating straw and shitting it out, spoke to us about the sudden spike in media attention he’s receiving. “Obviously I’m perplexed, but very happy that my name is finally getting out there” he explained. “I’ve played 5-a-side a few times, and I had a flair for kick-ups as a kid, but now it feels like whenever Messi or Ronaldo are mentioned it’s always followed by ‘are they the GOAT, though?’ It’s all rather bizarre.”

His owner, a 46 year-old farmer named Brian McChin, is also keen to cash in on his livestock’s new found fame. “We were rearing him to make cheese for middle class people” admitted Brian. “But now some of the biggest brands in the world are engaged in a fierce bidding war to secure the goat’s image rights. The new face of modern football might well be that of a hardy, domesticated farmyard mammal with a beard and horns. And no, I’m not talking Mile Jedinak.”

But not everyone is happy about the comparisons being made. “I’ve never rated him” mumbled a pig that shared a field with the goat. “He lacks the finesse of Messi and Ronaldo. His approach is very much to “hoof it and run”, which doesn’t get you far on the world stage. Worst of all, he’s got two left feet. Then again, most farmyard animals do, so I won’t hold that against him.”