There's this story that I've heard

I'm supposed to not speak a word

Else that geezer'll be tromping down the street

And have me grilled in a beat.

See, back when Jack was still a lad,

Lovely manners complete with look that's bad,

Ladies in town would do anything

To have with him maybe a pleasant fling.

Though charming and clean, however,

Young green Jack wasn't at all very clever.

One summer evening at an infamous pizzeria

While chewing pizzas with a girl named Thea,

The lad let out a sudden brazen cry,

'I smell something sly and shy!

'Bless my nose of a mutt,

'That's something out of one's butt!'

Thea went white, 'It's those pizzas, Jack.

'There is no need to act maniac.'

Jack replied, 'No, someone just cut the cheese

'And I happen to catch that breeze.

'It smells rotten as rat

'And I can't play a lousy pussycat!'

A waiter rushed forth, 'Dear sir,

'You do not want to upset our restaurateur.

'So please sit down

'And stop being a clown!'

Jack shouted, 'Oh you don't even know!

'It stinks of an onion dough!

'That gas is still around,

'And the air is slowly turning brown!'

At this moment, Thea stood up,

Still untouched, her mushroom sup,

'I've had enough

'Of your gripe and guff.'

Folks were glaring

But Jack held his bearing.

Then he spotted a blot

On Thea's bum of a tot,

'By gum, it was you!

'You animal of a zoo!'

And please believe us when we say

Jack's fate turned as good as an ashtray

When he gave his last remark

Shameless and sheer and stark,

'Like mother like goo,

'It smells just like you!'

And that is the only cold reason why

After that day, by and by,

Ladies in town would do anything,

To have his arm in a sling.

Gone was the use of Jack's little black book

And live on, he does, like a despicable crook.

Was never able to get himself a bride,

Words of the story spread even to countryside.

Now this becomes a story you've heard

You're supposed to not speak a word

'less you want geezer old Jack tromping down the street

And have you grilled in a beat.