Bakers in Arizona will now be forced to make penis cakes for gay weddings, most women don’t know what they’re doing when they file for divorce, and a blind man who shot and killed a friend just got his guns back.

Arizona Christians Are Now Slaves to the Gays

Not everyone was happy with Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer’s decision to veto a bill permitting businesses to discriminate against gays and lesbians, but Judson Phillips may have had the most outrageous reaction. In an email and blog post titled “Tyranny, the loss of liberty and Arizona’s SB 1062,” the Tea Party Nation president outlined the devastating effect Brewer’s decision will have on Arizona and society as a whole. He also revealed (shocker) that he’s never been to a same-sex wedding because he is under the impression that they are some sort of cross between an orgy and a trashy bachelorette party. According to Phillips, Brewer has essentially sold Arizona Christians into slavery. Without a law protecting discrimination, bakers will be forced to “create a cake for a homosexual wedding that has a giant phallic symbol on it,” and photographers will have to “photograph a homosexual wedding where the participants decide they want to be nude or engage in sexual behavior.” Other religious groups aren’t obligated to put up with such obscenity! “Would they force a Jewish photographer to work a Klan or Nazi event?” he asked. “How about forcing a Muslim caterer to work a pork barbeque dinner?”

Guns Returned to Blind Man Acquitted of Fatally Shooting Friends

Welcome to Florida, where a legally blind man cannot only own a gun but be acquitted for shooting and killing a friend after hours of drinking together, and then get his gun back. John Wayne Rogers—who went to jail in 2011 for punching a woman and was on probation the year before that for shooting 15 rounds at a cousin—spent two years behind bars for shooting a friend at his home in Geneva, Fla., in 2012 before he was acquitted in January thanks to Florida’s notorious Stand Your Ground law. Claiming that he needs his guns for protection, Rogers argued that it’s his constitutional right to have the 10mm Glock and rifle that were confiscated when he was arrested returned to him. He didn’t want to do it, but Judge John Galluzzo conceded, saying, “I have to return property that was taken under the circumstances. I have researched and I haven’t found case law to say otherwise.”

Va. GOPers Offending People All Over Facebook

Virginia Republicans might be wise to step away from Facebook for a while, as two of them are in hot water over some unsavory posts. First, state Sen. Steve Martin revealed on the social network that he regards pregnant women as nothing more than fetus “hosts.” “You can count on me to never get in the way of ‘preventing’ an unintentional pregnancy,” he wrote last week in response to a Valentine’s Day card from the Virginia Pro-Choice Coalition criticising his stance on reproductive rights. “However, once the child does exist in your womb, I’m not going to assume a right to kill it just because the child’s host (some refer to them as mothers) doesn’t want it.” On Tuesday, Virginia Republican Party Treasurer Bob FitzSimmonds joined Martin in the doghouse with his response to a Facebook post in support of GOP women and, in particular, U.S. House hopeful Barbara Comstock. “I have nothing against Barbara Comstock, but I hate sexist twat,” he wrote. FitzSimmonds removed the post and replaced it with an apology, telling The Virginian-Pilot that he had intended to use the word “twaddle,” meaning foolish speech, and that “my post was not about Barbara Comstock. It was relating to the sexist stereotypes used by the women posting.”

Utah Rep.: Women Don’t Really Understand Divorce

Getting a divorce in Utah is hard enough as it is, but state Rep. Jim Neilson wants to crack down on broken homes by making it even harder to split up. Since 1994, couples in the Beehive State have been required to complete (and pay $55 for) a two-hour divorce class before a court will make their breakup legal. Now, Neilson is proposing legislation that would force couples to complete at least part of the seminar before filing for divorce. This measure seems drastic as it is, but it’s Neilson’s reasoning—that women are just filing for divorce left and right without really knowing what divorce is and blindsiding their husbands—that really raises questions. “The friends that I have that have gone through a divorce, most of the people that I know personally that have gone through that personally are men,” Nielson said on the DadsDivorce.com Internet show in early February. “And my sense, at least from the men that I interact with, is that they’ve usually been surprised by the divorce request, by the filing.”

Gay Marriage Will Lead to Parent-Child Unions

Same-sex marriage opponents frequently warn that equality is the gateway to societal acceptance of sinister acts, such as bestiality or incest. According to Tea Party-approved U.S. Senate hopeful Matt Bevin, it’s only a matter of time before same-sex marriage paves the way for parent-child marriage. The businessman, who is going up against Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in Kentucky’s Republican primary, explained this slippery slope on Janet Mefford’s right-wing talk-radio show. “If it’s all right to have same-sex marriages, why not define a marriage—because at the end of the day a lot of this ends up being taxes and who can visit who in the hospital and there’s other repressions and things that come with it—so a person may want to define themselves as being married to one of their children so that they can then in fact pass on certain things to that child financially or otherwise,” he said. “Where do you draw the line?” Bevin has attacked McConnell for having ties to the federal judge who ruled in early February that Kentucky must recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states.