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I love Jesus, but I smoke marijuana. Anyone who has seen me over the last two years—at my house, in the store, at your house, on the street, in church, or at the hospital—you may not have noticed, but I was high. For some people it is a problem, and for others it is not. There is a lot of taboo about marijuana, and now there are a lot of studies concerning how it helps a lot of different people for different reasons. But this isn’t a story about the debate and all the info out there, this is a story about me and what marijuana does for me.

Some days the pain from multiple sclerosis can get so bad all I want to do is lie in my bed and not move. Some days I can barely walk and have to talk to my legs to get them to move. Some days I flip out on people because I can’t handle the pain. Some days I wish I could wake up and not be sick anymore. Most days, I am in pain and I won’t complain, even if you ask me; I will say nothing, and I will say it with a smile. The only thing that always helps instantly is marijuana. It will calm my brain and my body down. It stops the hot flashes, calms the tremors and muscle spasms, relaxes my body, and allows me to focus and think clearly when I feel like my brain is going crazy. When I can’t walk, it relaxes my body so I can walk again. When I am having problems going to the bathroom, it helps relax muscles I didn’t know I needed to go to the bathroom.

When I was in my 20s, I used to smoke to run away from my problems; now I smoke so I can deal with them. I have tried other medications that doctors have prescribed me, and nothing else has worked so well or so quickly, especially without all the damaging side effects of what they want to give me. When I was in the hospital recently, they kept trying to give me morphine for the pain and I wouldn’t let them. Morphine scares me. Most drugs do, because every time I try something new my body goes crazy and my MS flares up. So I made a decision, and at first I even cried over it: I am a Christian and I love Jesus, what will people think of me? Will they judge me? Will they still be my friends? Will they still think of me fondly? Will they even notice?

It seems kind of silly now that I even put myself through all of that, but it was what I had to go through. Some may laugh and think it is silly also, but hiding it was easier than dealing with people’s misconceived notions. Then I was reminded that my relationship with Jesus is about me and Jesus, not me and everyone else. MS is my life; it is my disease and my pain to deal with. You can try to help, and I appreciate all the help I do get, but at the end of the day, MS is my life and it is my disease and pain to deal with every minute of every day, whether I am awake or asleep, because even when I dream I am in pain.

I am not sharing this story to be controversial or so people will feel bad for me; I am writing this for others who may feel ashamed, or feel like they are doing something wrong, or are worried about what people might think of them if they knew—because they are not alone. No one should ever feel alone. Loneliness is terrible, and even more so with a disease. No one should ever feel alone in any battle, so maybe this will help bring some people back together, because sometimes we all need a little bit of awareness about things we may not be able to understand.

[Photo credit to Abigail]

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