How to Jog: A Guide for Women

There are literally millions of miles of road, trails, and open space where women could potentially move their bodies in the outside world, but the act of leaving the house is not a safe activity for women, so it should be avoided at all costs. However, since some women insist on jogging despite men routinely making it explicitly clear they can’t help but murder them if they do, women should take extensive precautions when running.

Where to Jog

For their own safety, women should get a treadmill and install it in their home. The safest option for women is to stay confined to a 5-by-3 foot $1000 rectangle, preferably in a room locked from the inside, deadbolted, and guarded by a troll who beseeches those who want to enter to answer three impossible riddles.

If this sounds too confining, pay a few extra dollars for a treadmill equipped with a television screen that makes it appear you are outdoors, so you can run the same simulation of one street in either Rome or Auckland, New Zealand, as many times as you want. It’s very close to being outside, minus the ability to hear, smell, make route choices, or view things as unpixelated.

If a home treadmill isn’t an option, women can also try just running in place in one room of their house. Moving forward is the main focus of running, but lifting your feet off the ground is a very close second.

If you have an affinity for forward momentum, try running from one end of your house to the other; soon you’ll forget what it was like not to bump into your coffee table every time you round the living room.

If you absolutely must run outdoors, it’s recommended that women hire a helicopter to drop them off somewhere extremely remote, where potential predators cannot find them. Ideally somewhere no roads lead. We recommend Antarctica (bring a parka, watch out for ice, and please, don’t pet the penguins) or a deserted island (wear sunscreen and stay hydrated!).

If a helicopter drop-off is not in your budget, try running underwater, where most predators won’t be able to see you (except sharks). Underwater running requires a bit of preparation, including SCUBA certification, but it’s a worthwhile investment for your safety.

Does getting wet mess up your hair? Try running somewhere very crowded where lots of people will be around to ensure your safety. Try running inside the Louvre on a summer Saturday, around Times Square, or in line for Space Mountain.

When to Jog

It’s not safe for women to run at night. You should not run in the early morning, at dusk, if the sun dips behind a cloud for several seconds, or while anyone in the vicinity is watching Night Court, Night of the Living Dead, The Dark Knight, or anything directed by M. Night Shyamalan. The best time to run is from 12:00 to 12:01pm, when the sun is at its peak and there are absolutely no shadows.

How to Jog

Don’t wear outfits that could be perceived as provocative when you run such as tight-fitting clothing, loose-fitting clothing, Capri leggings, full-length leggings, sweatpants, shorts, leggings with shorts over top of them, leggings with sweatpants over top of them, sleeveless tops, tops with short sleeves, long-sleeved tops, jackets, headbands, baseball caps, a ponytail, a strap to hold your phone around your arm, a backpack, socks, or running shoes.

You must be alert at all times. Don’t listen to headphones while you run. If you need to be entertained while running, instead blast music or podcasts from a portable boombox you can hold over your shoulder, have a male friend run alongside you and read a novel aloud, or mentally recite the state capitals. Ideally, women should run in complete silence while yelling their exact latitude and longitude with every step.

Never run alone: Run in groups with as many people as possible, your entire extended family, your high school graduating class, or the past, present, and potential future cast and guest stars of Grey’s Anatomy.

Never run the same route twice. Once you’ve run down a street, you must set that entire street on fire so you can never run down it again.

Don’t run an unfamiliar route. Only run from your childhood home to your childhood elementary school in the rear-facing seats of your mom’s Oldsmobile.

Carry a weapon. Carry pepper spray. Carry a DVD box set of Disney’s Pepper Ann.

Run with a dog. Run with six dogs. Hire a musher. Now you’re dogsledding.

Should You Jog?

Very clearly the answer is no.