Stephen Colbert donned his trusty Big Furry Hat on Tuesday’s “Late Show” to issue some (slightly crotchety) proclamations.

“I hereby declare: Millennials must stop romanticizing listening to records. I would have killed to have free music come out of my rotary phone.”

“Any wedding D.J. that doesn’t play ‘Celebration’ by Kool and the Gang shall be given a Congressional Medal of Honor.”

“If I sweat while eating it, it counts as exercise.”

“Henceforth, libraries may no longer charge for overdue books. They should be paying us to still go to a library.”

“Let it be written: If you take your phone out while using a urinal, you better be live streaming your live stream.”