What do you give the person who not only carried you for nine months but also faced the difficulties of moving to a new country and learning a new culture and language, who made a new life for themselves and, in effect, you? For me and for many of my friends who are also children of immigrants, Mother’s Day isn’t just about celebrating the person who gave us life. It’s about showing gratitude for someone who provided us with a much better life than they had. When I think about what my mother has accomplished—and what she’s sacrificed—a Diptyque candle feels insufficient. More importantly, she’ll know I overpaid for it, and she’ll think it’s too nice a candle to burn.

Every spring, I scroll through Mother’s Day gift guides—past the candles and shawls and fancy perfumes—and, every spring, I think Mom would hate that I spent money on this. Not that I haven’t tried. One time, it was a Kate Spade bag in her favorite color. The gift was well received but a few months later, I found the purse in the linen closet because, my mom said, it was “too nice” to be used. Same excuse for a dragonfly necklace my brother and I bought for her another year. When I offered to pay for a maid service for a few months so she could pursue a hobby, she got stressed out. The house was too messy, she told me, insisting on cleaning up a little beforehand. What child doesn’t want to give the gift of stress?

A Diptyque candle feels insufficient. More importantly, she’ll know I overpaid for it.

“The struggle is real,” says author Celeste Ng. “It’s practically impossible,” she says, to find a mother’s day gift that will make her immigrant mom, who moved from Hong Kong, happy. The chocolates were saved far past the expiration date, the photo calendar was too nice to write in, and the houseplants took too much time to take care of.

My parents emigrated to the US from Hong Kong in 1985 when my dad’s job moved him to LA. My mom was 30. Courtesy Vivian Lee

No two immigrant experiences are the same but, on the whole, my fellow children of immigrants seem to have a harder time shopping for their moms than my other friends. The first hurdle is an existential one: What do you buy for the person who wants nothing for herself (and everything for you)? “You don't build a family without leaning into selflessness,” says my significant other, who watched his mom make it in America as a woman, a woman of color, and as an immigrant woman of color. “So then gifts are ‘nice’ but essentially frivolous in reality.”

Then there is the fact that Mother’s Day gift guides are often sorted by mom-ish interests: Suggestions for the mom who loves baths, the mom who hikes, the mom with a vegetable garden, etc. “I don’t know if my mom had all that much time to develop interests or hobbies,” says my friend Anam Syed, whose mom emigrated from Karachi when she was in her early 30s—with three young children in tow. After running a household and raising children amid the stresses of immigrant life, Syed's mom is “kind of struggling with her sense of purpose,” she says. Plus, immigrant moms are accustomed to relying on themselves. “My mom is so practical [she ends up] buying things for herself that she likes,” says my friend Andi Bui, whose mom emigrated in the 1960s from what was formerly known as Saigon.

The chocolates were saved far past the expiration date; the photo calendar was too nice to write in.

The immigrant mom’s resistance to gifts can seem paradoxical: What was the point of her struggle if not to raise a successful kid with disposable income to spend on presents? But for my friend Diana Le, giving a “fancy” gift can feel like she’s showing off her “white collar” salary to her mother, who works a blue-collar job and more or less lives paycheck to paycheck. She gives her mom cash instead.

Lately, I have resorted to sending a bouquet, which serves two purposes. The flowers look good on the dining room table and, later, after my mom dries them, they become potpourri or decoration in the guest bathroom. Still, my immigrant guilt tells me I’m taking the easy road. Flowers say that I care about my mom, but do they say I care enough about the sacrifices she has made? Where can I get a bathrobe that says, Thank you, mom, for foregoing a life so that I can have a better life that you refuse to benefit from because you would rather I just take care of myself? Did you say Neiman Marcus?

The most successful gifts happen to showcase the fruit of her labor, i.e. you.

According to my informal survey of friends, the most successful gifts happen to showcase the fruit of her labor, i.e. you. In my friend Cecily Feng’s words, “I find that nothing beats attention and face time.” Ng says her mom is generally more enthusiastic about videos of her son or family photo books than any gift she has given. “The [handwritten] card always means more to her [than the gift],” my friend Shazia Haq says.

The last time I nailed Mother's Day, my brother and I surprised my mom by flying in and spending that weekend with her. Courtesy Vivian Lee

The last time I really nailed Mother’s Day, my mom had been recently deported. Luckily, she was able to move in with her sister in Canada, but we knew she’d feel sad she wouldn’t be able to celebrate the day with her children. So, my brother and I arranged to surprise my mom by flying in and spending that weekend with her. “That meant so much [to] me,” my mom said to me a few days ago over WhatsApp. “[It] still makes me cry even think[ing] about it now.”

Thanks to a good immigration lawyer—which I was proud to be able to pay for—my mom is back in the States. And while it’s not very practical to fly to visit her for Mother’s Day every year, being able to secure her (and my dad) a green card is a good reminder of the one thing she is willing to let me buy for her: the gift of being back in the home she has made, able to be close to the family she has created.

What to get the Mom Who Hates When You Spend Money on Her

According to my informal survey of children of immigrants, the most successful gifts for moms fit three parameters:

You must have bought it on sale because paying retail prices is for “American” families. The gift must be utilitarian because she already has too many things to track in the house. You better make this item productive. It must be easy to use. Otherwise, you could end up spending long hours on the phone, giving her a tutorial on how to use her iPad, which she will put away permanently after she forgets how to use it again.

The Wanderlust urbanstems.com $3.00 SHOP NOW Flowers with a discount code: Personally, I am going to go another route this year. But flowers are a good option, as long as you tell your mom you got them for a deal. That is, unless your mom thinks flowers are a waste of money at any price, and there is a 50 percent chance she does think that. The same goes for house slippers, oddly. The Best Beauty Buys for Mother's Day elle.com $1.00 SHOP NOW Skincare she can regift (back to you): A few friends have successfully taken their moms for a massage or a spa day, but again, only if you can get a bargain/convince her it was free. Writer R.O. Kwon, recommends gifting new skincare products because “if she's not into it, she can just give it back to me. THEREFORE SHE WILL NOT THINK I AM WASTEFUL.” Again, practicality is key. Amazon Prints prints amazonprinting.com $19.00 SHOP NOW Your face on something: In a frame, in an album, on a magnet, on a mug. It doesn’t matter as long as they are photos of you and your mom, you and your kids, the whole family, all of the above. She worked hard to try to give you the life you have now—why not memorialize it for her? Hillstone Gift Card myshopify.com $25.00 SHOP NOW Dinner out with a mysterious gift card: If she insists on paying, say you have a gift card that needs to be used because it’s about to expire. Or if you want to be real extra about it, call ahead and give the restaurant your credit card number. I did that one year and it made the whole meal less stressful (for me). Costco Cash Card Costco costco.com $25.00 SHOP NOW Costco Cash: If all else fails, give her the one gift that can’t be returned or left in a closet. Even suggest going with her spend it at Costco to spend it: quality time and bulk items for cheap? This Mother’s Day is going to be unforgettable.

Vivian Lee Vivian Lee is a book editor and writer living in Queens, New York.

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