A cryo-sleeping Tasha Yar (India Summer), missing these last ten years, has been discovered on an unremarkable M-Class planet. What does her return to the Starship Enterprise signify and what are cryo-sleep’s effects on vaginal elasticity?

Studio: Revolution X

Director: Sam Hain

Starring: Giles, Kimberly Kane, April O’Neil, Xander Corvus, Bobbi Starr, Dana DeArmond, Tyler Knight, Rocco Reed, Lee Bang, India Summer

“Star Trek: The Next Generation—A XXX Parody” is the third of writer/director Sam Hain’s “dark parodies” (the first two were the excellent “Sex Files” movies) that operate as a porn version of fan fiction, imagining a logical opening in the storyline of the original show and replacing it with a vaginal one.

Speaking of holes, Hain keeps closing them. It is a fact that budgets and motivation are the main enemies of making porn that looks credible as mainstream entertainment (and as long as there are porn parodies, that comparison will always be made). Hain put together a cast mostly comprised of fans of the excellent 90’s show and allotted lines to the actors who could best deliver them. And, for the performers who aren’t the best actors, the dialogue was kept simple.

The story involves the discovery of Tasha Yar (India Summer) on a barren planet. She has been missing for a decade. Beamed back aboard, Cap’n Picard & Co. are uncertain what to make of her so, when in doubt: fuck!

The first sex scene is a holodeck romp with the impossibly springy April O’Neil as Counselor Troi with her on-deck love interest, Commander Riker (a bearded Rocco Reed). As they say in space, he gives her a Number One in her final frontier.

But the crew is uncertain which Tasha Yar they’re dealing with. Is she a clone? A Klingon-hater? Readings must be taken, and future tests must be run on the holodeck. This allows LaForge (Tyler Knight) some download (on her face) time with the sentient program Brahms (Bobbi Starr).

Then Worf (Lee Bang) has an Ensign Ro-down with Dana DeArmond. It’s hard to tell with Klingons, but we get the feeling he likes her, as he deposits a dish served hot.

While the British actor (and professional Patrick Stewart impersonator) Giles is a dead ringer for Jean-Luc Picard, it is Xander Corvus as Data who delivers the most realistic performance. His work is all the more impressive because he was a last-minute replacement for “The Sex Files”‘ Anthony Rosano, who couldn’t tolerate Data’s contact lenses. In addition to his restrained performance as Data, Corvus was Jean-Luc’s cock-double for a fantasy sequence with Dr. Crusher (Kimberly Kane).

LaForge determines that Yar is a tachyon-transmitting Romulan puppet, but too late: she takes over the Enterprise. This porn parody is so good, though, that I shouldn’t give away the ending.

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The music and greenscreen work for “TNG” are excellent and, just as in the original, bits of subtle humor pop up now and then. It was also fun to watch Starr and Yar playing with their iPads. While the fight choreography left a little to be desired, it was more than compensated for by bits of real poignance and thoughtfulness utterly uncharacteristic of parodies, proving that some porn performers can handle a mouthful of dialogue just as well as they can a mouthful of—well, you get the idea.

Buy “Star Trek: The Next Generation—A XXX Parody” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Yar’s Revenge

See also: New Sensations