How do we mindlessly gender people in our everyday conversations? asks Dr. Lee Airton, who teaches in the bachelor of education program at the University of Toronto.

It's a habit that comes naturally. Think of the last time you asked, "Is that a boy or a girl?" Or when you quizzed someone about whether or not she had a boyfriend.

For many people, being on the receiving end of these questions and assumptions is routine and inoffensive. But for someone who identifies as neither he or she, male or female, such moments can be filled with dread and anxiety.

This is the complicated reality that Airton, who identifies as being on the transgender spectrum, regularly navigates. And it’s why Airton decided in 2011 that it felt wrong to be called by the gendered pronouns that dominate speech and language. Instead, Airton uses the singular form of the pronoun "they."

It’s a strange sensation, replacing he and she, hers and his, with they. It often feels unnatural in speech, thanks in part to English teachers who emphasize that the pronoun they is used only when referring to more than one person. Writing sentences, like those in this story, in which there is both a singular and plural they can require linguistic acrobatics. But a growing movement in the queer and transgender communities is advocating for the widespread use of they and other gender-neutral pronouns, such as "ze" and "hir".

For most people that requires a radical shift in thinking — and a lot of practice.

“We have to be willing to fail and have humility to be kind and be respectful when we are corrected and then move on,” Airton told Mashable. “That’s a very hard skill.”

Image: Kai Hofius/Think Again Training

There are an estimated 700,000 transgender people in the U.S., and it’s not known how many of them use gendered pronouns compared to they or similar alternatives. Few institutions — schools, hospitals or the government — make it possible to go by anything but male or female. In 2009, the University of Vermont gave its students the option to designate an alternate gender in the school’s official records. Last year, Facebook created a custom tab for gender, which allows users to specify an identity beyond male or female and request that friends use the pronoun they.

These examples are the exception. Many Americans may have just recently become comfortable with the idea of someone transitioning from one sex to another thanks to examples in pop culture like Orange is the New Black actress Laverne Cox and Amazon television series Transparent. Millions of Kardashian family fans may also know the show's famous step-father and former Olympic athlete, Bruce Jenner, reportedly plans to transition.

Only 8% of Americans say they personally know someone who is transgender, according to GLAAD, so the concept of calling a friend or family member they, even if that person has transitioned from one gendered appearance or body to another, may feel even more foreign and difficult to grasp. Despite this challenge, the movement to adopt a third pronoun seems to capitalize on the momentum of awareness and acceptance.

For Lauren Lubin, 29, the struggle to identify as they was a lifelong one. As an adolescent, Lubin’s hair was long and curly, and they wore dresses and high heels. Now, Lubin, with cropped hair and loose fitting clothing, appears androgynous and identifies as gender neutral.

Lauren Lubin is making a film about the experience of living outside of binary gender labels. Image: Tom Corpolongo

“It was a whole process of really searching deep within myself and also throughout history, because existing outside the gender binary is not present in our society,” they said. “But it was something that was always present within me.”

Lubin, who is making a film about what it’s like to live between two genders in a binary world, told Mashable there can be painful challenges at every turn: “Once you step out the door, you do not exist in the world. I can see and hear the world, but the world cannot see and hear me.”

Lubin worries about using public bathrooms designated for one gender or the other. Legal paperwork provides no option but to use the gender Lubin was assigned at birth. When people refuse to use they as Lubin’s pronoun, they views that as a hurtful denial of identity.

Advocates also point out that “mis-pronouning” someone is a form of outing that can expose that person to harm, harassment or violence.

Davey Shlasko trains medical providers, service providers, and educators how to interact with people whose gender they might not understand. Shlasko also wrote a manual called the Trans* Ally Workbook, which teaches readers how to adopt a new pronoun even when it might seem impossible to break an old habit.

Shlasko, who uses both male pronouns and they, said the booklet was inspired by the many times colleagues would use the wrong pronouns and become defensive when corrected. “They would say, ‘It’s hard and we’re trying,’” and for a long time that explanation felt hollow.

Eventually Shlasko’s perspective changed so that the focus wasn’t on how others could try harder, but how they could try more effectively — and do so without feeling blamed.

“I’m not saying you’re bad or mean,” Shlasko said. “I’m just saying that can have an impact you don’t intend. How can you have the impact you want, which is that people feel respected and people can have a conversation with you.”

Image: Kai Hofius/Think Again Training

The truth is Shlasko has also been there before. When a former colleague of Shlasko’s transitioned, it became very difficult to use her new pronouns. After Shlasko reflected on the predicament, the answer was clear: Shlasko didn’t like the co-worker. But Shlasko also knew that reason didn't justify calling her by the wrong pronoun.

“Basically I’m starting from the assumption that if I’m having trouble calling someone the pronoun they’ve asked me,” Shlasko told Mashable, "it’s probably not about them — it’s about me.”

Lee Airton, who started the blog They is My Pronoun to answer practical questions about this topic, believes the rigidity of gender norms in language affects everyone — not just transgender and genderqueer individuals.

Think, for example, of the female doctor who is routinely referred to as he by those who haven’t yet made her acquaintance in person. Or consider the baby boy with long hair who is constantly referred to as a she by strangers. Pronoun use is just one way in which gender rules our language and our lives, and by allowing for greater flexibility and fluidity in pronouns, that should arguably benefit people who describe themselves as male or female.

Lauren Lubin frames the question of pronoun use as part of historical tradition, pointing to Native American tribes as well as communities in Nepal, India and other countries that have a place for individuals who express both masculine and feminine traits and behavior.

“The fact that what we perceive gender as binary is just an isolated system within history and culture,” they said. “It’s not truth. It’s just the way things are right now.”