TALLAHASSEE, FL—Agreeing that the young phenom has what it takes to escape responsibility for his actions in the big leagues, a group of NFL scouts confirmed Tuesday that they are incredibly impressed by a local college quarterback’s proven ability to elude the criminal justice system. “From what we’ve seen so far, this guy can maneuver around just about any accusation you throw at him,” said Jacksonville Jaguars director of college scouting Kyle O’Brien, who speculated that the budding signal caller’s unique ability to sidestep serious criminal charges under pressure would lead him to a long, fruitful career of committing heinous crimes and then somehow being exonerated for them on a professional level. “Nothing sticks to him. Even when he’s facing allegations that could do irreparable damage to his reputation and career, he’s the type of natural athlete who is so slippery that he can improbably find a way out. You just normally don’t see that kind of evasiveness in a felon his age.” O’Brien noted that, as has been the case with many successful athletes in the past, the quarterback’s imposing capacity to commit an unspeakable crime and then avoid any kind of consequences whatsoever is only made possible by those around him, including his school’s athletic director, a cooperative state prosecutor, and the media.

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