An undercooked breakfast burrito combined with Seattle’s inclusive attitudes regarding public bathroom use generated a shitstorm of epic proportions today, all of which occurred in the JC Penney briefs of Vice President Mike Pence. The Vice President was served the questionable burrito aboard Air Force Two on his trip west from Washington DC. However, the breakfast concoction did not reach its full gastrointestinal potential until Pence had disembarked at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. When the man who is one heartbeat away from the presidency sought a public toilet to safely eliminate the Mexican fireball, (Trump DID warm him not to trust those Mexican street burritos and to eat a Trump Tower taco bowl instead.) he was met with a challenge unlike any he had ever encountered in the safe bathroom environs of his native Indiana. Unlike in the Hoosier State, Secret Service personnel could not quickly locate any public facility clearly identified as for White, Heterosexual, Christian Males only.

At one public restroom just outside the airport terminal, a member of Pence’s security detail was heard to yell “Clear” after inspecting the bathroom. However, witnesses say Pence hesitated when a person of color, who may have once been a woman and who looked “kinda Jew-like” entered the bathroom ahead of him. The temporary delay was more than Pence’s bowels could handle; the Vice President’s asshole exploded with malodorous fury, causing acid-like burns to the face of Pence’s press aide and taking out an entire family of tourists from Sydney, Australia.

Vice President Pence seemed unfazed by the incident, showing up just 30 minutes late for a speech at Benaroya Hall wearing sweat pants and a souvenir Seahawks t-shirt.

“It’s a personal struggle to honor the lord while using the restroom” The Vice President squeaked out between sobs. “We have to protect little girls, like Hannah Clark of Everett, Washington. We can’t have transgender deviants trying to rape her as she uses the restroom.”