1. Coming out of the closet will be a tortuous process. In fact it will probably have to be divided into two episodes! Rumors will swirl around about my sexual orientation at school and people will be whispering things in the hallway. It’ll be the loud kind of whispers too, stuff I’m clearly meant to hear. I’ll feel like a social pariah and spend my days crying in the bathroom and walking around desolate football fields. OMG, maybe I’ll be a jock and it will be completely unexpected that I like men. Because, you know, I’m masculine and gay men are supposed to behave like girls, right? Talk about a plot twist!

2. All gay men are attractive. It’s like the law or something. If a boy is brooding and gorgeous, chances are he’s harboring a secret that he likes to suck D. Homosexuality doesn’t infect the average-looking folk, only the people who are stunning and could be on TV. It’s actually kind of similar to being a kidnapping victim!

3. My sex life can be one of two things. I’ll either sleep around a lot and mention it incessantly—the men will never be seen but I’ll be there to constantly remind you that it’s happening—or I could be completely celibate and alone. Whoa, both sound like super fun options! Which gay guy do I want to be: Jack McFarland from Will & Grace or Jack McPhee from Dawson’s Creek? Decisions, decisions…

4. Gay men are super cultured and know a lot about food, wine , fashion, art and decor. Straight men, meanwhile, are sad globs of hopelessness with their stained shirts and plebian attitudes. If only there were a way to help out these poor heteros! Gay men should take them under their bedazzled wing and become a fairy godmother of sorts. They could impart their wisdom one fine wine pairing at a time. And don’t even get me started on the makeovers….

5. If you’re gay, that’s all you’ll ever be. There’s no room for another identity because it’s a full-time job, honey! I’ll be like the character Kurt from Glee—always sobbing about something pertaining to my sexuality. And yet I’m so happy to be gay! Oh wait, no, being gay is sad again. Okay, now it’s fun because I’m singing! Nope, back to being miserable. Darn!

6. Being gay and FABULOUS means saying rude things to strangers and asserting your superiority by clutching a cocktail! “Excuse me? Was my fabulousness already not conveyed by my chic suit, tan skin, and mixed drink? Allow me to scowl at you once more to get the point across!”

7. A gay man’s life goes something like this: Sad Face, Frowny Face, Drunk Face, Sassy Face, Drama Face, Angry Face, Crying Face, Slutty Face, and Finally Fabulous Face.

8. My best friend will be a girl who’s secretly in love with me because she can’t get a boyfriend of her own. Yay!

9. It gets better if you’re sexy.