A/N: Because I was pissed at Professor Bloody Raven for being so hard to fucking write. Because I was pissed at Whole's sequel for being to sweet.

Prompt (because a lot of people kept bitching to me about it): This was mostly inspired by Hikigaya Hachiman's famous "I hate girls" quote. The rest, including the humor, apparently, are all by-products of my brain. My writing style here was heavily influenced by God Emperor Penguin, if it wasn't obvious by now. Go check him, Narutochaos22-senpai, and Cyber-san. They're one of the cool kids.

Disclaimer: Monty Oum has passed away (May his soul rest in peace) and I'm not part of Rooster Teeth other than being a fan. If I did own RWBY, Jaune would be the main character and I'd be sucking Miles Luna's dic-

I hate nice girls.

You're probably asking, "Why? Everybody likes nice girls!"

Well, it's a good thing I'm not everybody, because I hate nice girls.

Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly despise their existence. Heck, the majority of my friends are nice girls! And I like my friends, to the point that if I had to choose between them or meeting X-Ray and Vav in person, well… I'd be very conflicted at first, but I'm sure I'll pick my friends in the end! … Hopefully… Maybe… Please..?

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked again. Now you're probably asking, "Well, if your friends are nice girls, and you like them, then how can you hate nice girls?"

Hey, even though I like my nice-girl-friends doesn't mean that I need to like nice girls in general. I have very valid reasons to hate nice girls.

And now, you're asking, "And what, pray tell, are these 'reasons'?"

Well, to start, nice girls are, by their namesake, nice to everybody.

Now before you throw that keyboard, or that mouse, or that monitor (because I know you wouldn't dare throw that can of soda or that bag of chips at me), just let me explain.

Nice girls are nice to everybody. Boys, me, other girls, me, teachers, me, the custodians, me, heck even animals, and me! So you see, it's very easy to get mixed signals.

One moment, you're walking down the hallway from gym class where you got utterly pounded at dodge ball, and huzzah! A nice girl appears! She'll use «Say hi and good afternoon to that guy even though you don't know him» and it'll be super effective! You'll get the debuff «Love at first sight» and you'll never be able to get rid of it on your own!

Next thing you know, you're thinking of elaborate ways to get her number. Do you say that you need it because a friend was too chicken to ask her himself? Do you say that a teacher said that she could help you with a lesson that you didn't understand or a project that was too hard to do on your own? Or do you just say that you want it because you want to message and call her and you want her to message and call you?

Without even remembering how it happened, you have her number in your scroll. Then the much-awaited battle that is «The confirmation message» in which most main protagonists of your favorite romcom anime fails to succeed arrives. What do you say? Do you say the usual "Hi, this is -insert name here-"? Or do you go the extra mile and say "Hey, thanks for giving me your number! Are you free some time? Maybe you'd like to go out somewhere with me?"

And before you realize it, you're messaging each other every night. You tell her about your day, she tells you about hers, when it's late at night you say good night, and even though you need to be early tomorrow, you wait for her reply anxiously, only to fall asleep and see the very next day that she didn't reply.

And then, when you've finally managed to amass your courage, you ask her to meet you behind the school building after school, like in every anime and manga you've watched and read. And then you wait for her. And you keep waiting for her. And you keep waiting for her. Until you realize that it's ten at night and that you've probably missed dinner and have been locked out of your house. That, or your family has decided to call the police in order to get a search party formed. So you decide to go home and chalk her not showing up as some sort of unfortunate accident. Maybe she just didn't receive that letter, maybe she missed it. Or maybe she did get it, but decided to read it later and she somehow forgot about it or maybe lost it. You know, something.

So the next day, you go to school, and the very first thing that gets your attention is the multitude of posters everywhere. The walls, the lockers, the announcement boards, everywhere. It's a picture of some poor sap that got stood up behind the school building after classes.

And then you see her with her friends laughing about something.

And then she sees you.

And then she starts laughing and pointing at you.

And then everybody starts laughing and pointing at you.

And then you start laughing at you.

And throughout the entire day, you have this smile plastered to your face, this automatic laugh when you hear someone laughing at you or pointing at you. This overreacting snort when someone makes a joke about how writing a letter to someone and confessing your feelings for someone was so old-fashioned. Like a plain sword and shield, no one uses those anymore!

And at the end of the day, everybody plays it off as a joke. The boys slap you on the back for being such a good sport about it. The girls all tell you that you're such a nice guy. The teachers and instructors ruffle your hair around and congratulate you for being such a mature kid.

And then she comes over you, with all of her friends following her closely.

And then they apologize. She apologizes.

And what will you say?

"Nah, it's water under the bridge, you bitch. It's all okay, you whore. There's nothing to apologize for, you skank. After all, everything in life is just a joke, right, you little fucking shit?"

And you say that with the biggest grin on your face.

And everybody hears you say that. The boys that slapped you on the back, the girls that said that you were a nice guy, the teachers and instructors that told you that you were a mature kid, heck, even some of the parents that were there to pick up their kids!

And the look on her face is priceless.

And you walk away like nothing happened.

And then, you feel something wet on your face.

And you realize that those are tears.

So you run home, not bothering to greet your parents and sisters on the way upstairs.

And when you get to your room, you throw your bag somewhere because you didn't care whatever the fuck happens to it; you rip away your uniform, disregarding the buttons that fly everywhere in your room; and you throw yourself on your bed, bury your head in the pillow and hide yourself from the world via your bed sheets.

And then you scream.

And then you yell.

And then you cry.

And then you hear footsteps coming upstairs. You hear your door banging. You hear your dad telling one of your sisters to get the master key in their bedroom. You hear your mom asking you if you were hurt. You hear your eldest sister begging you to open the door and let them in. You hear your youngest sister asking everybody outside your room what the problem is, why her big brother was screaming, if her big brother was hurt.

And when they finally managed to break down your door, they demand you for answers.

And you tell them.

And they'll get mad.

And they'll get you to transfer the very next day.

And they comfort you until you stop crying.

And then you pass out.

And then you'll wake up in the middle of the night, your stomach grumbling for not eating anything the whole day, including breakfast.

So you go downstairs, to the kitchen, where a plate full of your favorite burger steak and fries, a bowl of your mom's special yummy mushroom soup, and a note saying to re-heat the food and that there was a six-pack of your favorite soda in the fridge sat on top of the dining table.

And so, you stuff the food in your mouth until not a speck of it was left on the plate and bowl. And then you drink your soda until your kidneys can't take it anymore so you have to pee.

So you go back upstairs, to your room, where you have your own bathroom because you're one of two males living in a house occupied by eight females. You do your business and get back in your room when you realize, you haven't cleaned the dishes! The ones you ate from!

So you get back downstairs, to the kitchen, and you start to clean the dishes, when – from the corner of your eye – you spot a glistening knife.

And then you think to yourself, "Why not?" and grab the knife, bandage rolls, some cotton balls, and alcohol spray from the first-aid kit in the cupboard, run back upstairs to your room, grab a camera and a tripod, run back to your bathroom, do your business, run back to your room, boot up your computer, upload the photo, and mass print.

Your work is done.

And now you wait.

And when the wait is done, you get dressed, get your prints, put them in your bag which you found by the foot of your bed, and get to school.

And then you post the prints everywhere.

And then you leave.

And then you wake up, get ready for your last day in school, wait for your parents, make-up some lie about why there were bandages wrapped around your forearms, get in the car, tell your parents that you're excited to finally leave that school, and just laugh with them.

And when you arrive, you do your best to ignore your mother's tears, your father's tight glare at everything but you, the students' stares of shock and disbelief, the teachers' shame.

Her wide, regretful, remorseful eyes.

And the hundreds of posters of your grinning face holding up your bleeding arms.

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And when you finally finish getting all of the papers set, you get back home, tell your parents you're sorry, give them tights hugs and loving kisses, go back to your room to wait for your sisters to get back home, give them tight hugs and loving kisses as well, and sleep the day off.

And when you finally woke up once again, you realize:

"I hate nice girls."

Because a nice girl broke your heart, had the whole school make you a laughing stock, made you do something as to scar yourself, and made you make your own mother and sisters cry.

So you see?

Now don't get me wrong, though I hate nice girls, I love my nice-girl-friends.

Ruby is my very first friend at Beacon. She's as socially awkward as me, as much as it pains me to say it, as weird as me, as much as it pains me to say that as well, and though she's much more friendlier than me, which pains me more than anyone knows – how can a girl two years younger than me be more successful than me? – she never forgot that I was her first friend at Beacon as well.

Yang is hot, head and body alike. Everyone knows that. But she's more than that. She's very protective of her sister, of her family and her friends. She can be a tease, and she fools around a lot, but she knows when to take things seriously. Her puns make me and everyone else cringe, but they lighten the mood, so it's all good.

I don't know much about Blake except that she reads books a lot, she never takes off her bow – if Yang didn't tell everyone, I'd probably be convinced that she wears it in the shower – she likes milk and tuna, and just recently, she has the softest cat ears I have ever touched – and believe me, I've taken care of a lot of cats – and that she purrs when you scratch her at a certain spot just behind her ears.

Nora is the nicest girl I know. She's bubbly, she likes to give bear hugs to everybody, she shares her pancakes with me – which is a feat according to Ren – and she's been supportive of everything I've done.

Pyrrha is the second nicest girl I've ever met, just barely tying with Ruby. She's helped me study, helped me become better at combat, and has just been nice to me. And believe it or not, I know about her crush on me. I just didn't want things to get awkward between us and the team. But I love her, nonetheless. Just… Not that way.

So you see, I love these girls. They're nice, they haven't done anything wrong to me.

Now, the million lien question:

"Why the fuck are you telling this to me?"

Well, first of all, fuck you, too.

Second, I just want to share something very… weird, I guess.

I'm in love.

Or, at least I think, or thought, I was.

Let me explain again.

Weiss Schnee.

I didn't know who she was until Beacon Academy.

Now I know what you're thinking, "You didn't know who Weiss Schnee was, and you're aspiring to be a huntsman? Dust is the most important weapon hunters have, second only to Aura and their weapons! What, were you living under a rock for the past ten years or something?"

And to answer that, no, I wasn't living under a rock for the past ten years.

I just didn't bother with the news.

And I was home-schooled.

Anyway, Weiss Schnee. Apparently heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, one of, if not the largest producers of dust and dust-related products in Remnant. Apparently singer. Apparently one of the most beautiful girls I've ever had the honor of laying my eyes upon.

And apparently, a complete bitch.

It was love at first sight.

The first time I saw her was when she was tearing Ruby a new one on the courtyard, in a decently-sized crater. The two were completely covered in soot.

When I heard her say that Ruby was a "complete dolt", I had hearts for eyes.

When she got ribbed by Blake and she played it off like a perfect Tsundere Hime character, my heart was hers.

When she called me tall, blond, and scraggly, my other tall, blond, and scraggly got so har–

Anyway, I was in love!

I was in love with a total bitch!

And it was perfect!

I would confess my undying love for her, and she would spit in face and tell me no.

I would bring her flowers, chocolates, and other material gifts, and she would throw them on the ground and trample them.

I would serenade her with self-written songs, and she would throw her and her teammates' heels at me until I stopped. Or until I passed out, whichever comes first.

It was perfect!

Well, I thought it was, at least.

Then came cool-guy Neptune, the motherfucker.

And she was immediately head-over-heels in love with the guy.

And all he had to say was "Hey there! I don't believe I've caught your name, Snow Angel?"

That motherfucker.

Snow Angel was my thing.

I called her Snow Angel first. I wooed her first. I met her first.

But I kept fighting! I kept fighting, as a man should fight for what is rightfully his!

And of course, I get trampled on. As usual.

And it was brilliant. I had the guitar and the song and everything. And she shut the door in my face. Literally in my face. My aura had to heal my nose.

So I took some advice from my team. I gotta be honest. Straight to the point.

And I was about to do that when da da dah! Enter Cool Guy Neptune!

So there I was. Alone in the dance. Well, not alone-alone, I have Ruby with me being socially awkward by the punch bowl. So we made some small talk, awkward ones, of course. And then it went to the subject of being rejected by Weiss, which in turn went to the subject of Weiss and Cool Guy Neptune going together.

"Weiss came to the dance alone. She said she had too much to focus on to worry about boys."

So I kicked Cool Guy Neptune's ass.

Well, no, not really.

I was really close to it to, especially when he said that he didn't go with her because he can't dance.

"You would rather break a girl's heart and go to the dance alone, than to just admit to everyone that you can't move in rhythm to music?"

"That about sums it up, yeah."

I was so close to beating the living shit out of the guy before he said, "Look, if you want Weiss, she's all yours."

After that, I just wanted to kill the guy.

He just objectified Weiss Schnee.

I would've bashed his pretty blue head in with my face if I didn't manage to calm myself at that exact moment.

Well, he liked her. At least that's something.

So I told him to just be himself. And it worked.

As my team and I hyped up the party with our un-choreographed moves, I managed to glance at them for a second. Her laughing at something he said, him smiling that cool guy smile of his.

I guess I should just leave them alone.

So once I was sure that my team was unconscious, I got up from my bed, got dressed in a long-sleeved hoodie and sweat pants, went to the gardens behind the dorm, got behind some bushes, and finally cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up, my back hurt like a bitch, my head was spinning, my legs were shaking, and I realized.

I got my heart broken again.

And that was like, I dunno, a week ago. Maybe two.

I'm in the gardens again. I quickly found out that I like it here. I spend most of my free time back here, reading a book – comic books most of the time, but there is the occasional reference book or a book I heard Blake talking about that I found interesting – or playing my guitar and trying writing songs, or to just lie down the soft grass and relax.

As far as I know, no one knows I'm frequently here.

So imagine my surprise when Weiss fucking Schnee came out of the bushes and stood in front of me.

Her eyes met mine, and my eyes met hers.

Cobalt against Steel.

I raised an eyebrow, "What're you doing here?" I asked carefully.

"... Pyrrha said that you'd be here." she answered.

"And that answers my question how, exactly?"

"…"

Wow, I actually acted like a jerk. Towards Weiss fucking Schnee.

… I like it.

"What's wrong with you?" she finally spoke once more, "Just two weeks ago, you were a pretty nice guy!" she stomped haughtily.

I faked an insulted gasp, bringing my hand that was previously holding a book to my mouth, "Why, I never! Me? A nice guy? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!"

"W-What..?"

"Gee, Ice Queen. If you thought that I was a nice guy, you need to get your head checked more than I thought you would. Might I suggest therapy? Maybe that way, you'll finally get rid of that superiority complex of yours."

"Jaune, what..?"

"Ugh! Can you not read the mood? Do you need me to spell it out for you?"

"…"

I snapped. "Go. The fuck. Away. Bitch."

Silence.

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"… You're an asshole."

"Ding ding ding! Give the young lady a prize!"

"… You're a really big asshole."

"Thank you for the compliment, Snow Angel, but I did mean what I said. Go the fuck away, bitch."

"…"

She walked over, and sat beside me.

She walked over, and sat beside me.

Huh.

"You know, most girls would either slap my face silly or run away crying for their daddies because a meanie called them a bitch."

"… Then it's a good thing for you that I'm not like most girls."

Huh.

"… So should I be happy or something? Do you expect me to jump for joy, to celebrate my apparent survival? "I just called Weiss Schnee a bitch, and I'm not dead yet!" Is that what you want me to say?"

"My god, you are a massive asshole, aren't you?"

"And you are a bitch, but I thought we've already went over that." I went back to reading my book, though I couldn't understand a word, "Besides, don't you have to suck faces with Cool Guy Neptune or something?"

"Why should I be kissing Neptune?"

"Uh, I dunno, because he's your boyfriend or something?"

"Oh. I broke up with Neptune after a day."

…

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"I'm sorry, what?" I inquired intelligently, turning towards her.

"I said I dumped Neptune after the day we started going out."

…

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Huh?

"And if you don't mind me asking, why exactly did you dump the guy you were head-over-heels in love at first sight with?"

"Multiple reasons. One is because when we were on a date, he couldn't keep his eyes on me. It's always on a store helper, or a cashier, or a waitress, or just some random skank who can't seem to keep her boobs to herself."

I snorted loudly. "Well, what did you expect from him? Since the day he arrived, there have been massive reports about a blue-haired womanizer running around campus."

"And no one told me this why?"

"Because you're a bitch. Everyone thought you'll just bite their heads or fingers off or something."

"… You don't really don't hold back with that bitch thing, do you?"

"I speak only the truth, milady!"

"As I was saying," the heiress growled, "Two is because his colors don't match with mine. I mean, I don't need blue to match my hair, too many cold colors."

"I'll say. You're cold enough for the rest of Beacon to last the sweltering heat of a volcano or something." I dropped my book on my other side before turning completely to face her. "And of course, only Weiss fucking Schnee of the Schnee Dust Company would include 'hair color should match mine' in their 'perfect boyfriend' list. Whaddabitch!" I did a jazz hand.

"Whaddanasshole!" she copied me, eyes wide and a big smile on her face. "And his eyes! Ugh, I'm going to admit that I like blue eyes, but his… Eugh. Too dark for my taste. You could hardly see the blue."

"Man, you just could not stop acting like a bitch, could you?"

"Shut your face. I'm talking."

"And the last one, I'm guessing, so you could finally get away from me?"

"The last one, my dear prick," we both chuckled, "is that I hate nice guys."

…

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.

.

… Huh!

"And why, pray tell, do you hate nice guys?"

"Because my father was a nice guy and he turned out to be a complete bastard, causing my mother to die. That's why I'm hoping that if I get an asshole for a boyfriend, maybe we'd turn out okay."

Silence.

And then I laughed.

And then she laughed.

And then we laughed.

Schooling our emotions, I turned to her, still a smile on my face.

"You know, it's funny. I actually hate nice girls."

"Oh? Do you smell that? Because it smells like bullshit!"

"I'm serious, actually."

"Ruby and the rest of the girls are nice girls. Do you hate them?"

"Hey, just because I hate nice girls doesn't mean that I have to hate them all. Ruby is my very first friend here in Beacon. Yang is hot, but besides that, she's pretty cool. I'm not sure about Blake, but I guess she's fine. Nora's definitely good in my book if she can stuff her face with three stacks of pancakes in under a minute. And Pyrrha, well, you get it."

"You're pretty weird."

"And you're a bitch, but I thought we've already had that established before we had this conversation."

And we laughed again.

"So that means you like bitches."

"I dunno. I guess you could say that."

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"Are we masochists for thinking this way, Jaune?"

"Nah, maybe just… fucked up by circumstances."

"Yeah. I like that better. I mean, I don't wanna get whipped. I wanna do the whipping."

"I really should be tying you up and dragging you to a therapist to get that superiority complex of yours fixed."

"Well, maybe I don't need a therapist to get rid of it."

"Yeah. What you probably need is a good fuck to get that asshole of yours to loosen up. Then we can pull that massive pole out."

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"What, too soon?"

"No, no, it's just…" she finally turned away. But I can see her ear turn red. "No one seems to be… offering." she whispered almost inaudibly.

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"You know, you should really be stopping that train of thought right now."

"… Why should I?"

"Because you'll be finding my tongue being shoved down your throat if you don't stop."

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"You wouldn't do i–"

I turned her around and brought my lips to hers.

She pushed back.

Her mouth opened, allowing my tongue entrance. I roamed in her mouth, exploring every corner I could reach. I felt her tongue inside my own mouth. I brought my member back to fight hers in a fierce, passionate battle for supremacy.

I didn't know how long we'd been making out, but by the time we parted, we were breathing heavily and she somehow managed to climb on top of me to straddle my hips.

"Well, someone is turned on." she teasingly said as she rolled her hips to mine.

"Oh, please. Tall, blond and scraggly junior wakes up all the time. Believe me, this is nothing." I bit back, literally biting her neck gently, making sure not to leave a mark. "But speaking of turned on, someone is getting pretty wet somewhere."

"Oh, shut your mouth, smartass." she moaned, dragging my head closer to her as I began trailing kisses to her jaw. "You know… this is a garden…"

"Yeah?"

"… You could probably do some… plowing…" Jaune Jr. stood up at attention at that.

"Yeah, and I could probably plant my seed in you." I joked.

"… Okay…" she murmured quietly. I wouldn't have heard it if her mouth wasn't directly next to my ear.

I stopped.

"Just…" she began once more. "Be g-gentle… I'm… I don't… I-I'm not… e-experienced…"

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I sighed.

"You know, if you wanted to screw me, the least you could do is buy me dinner first." I leaned back to look at her face.

The worry on her face was replaced by shock. And then anger.

"Are you seriously playing the gentleman card right now?"

"Oh, no, I'm going to fuck you." she blushed a crimson red, making me imitate a tomato as well. "Just not now. See, I'm kinda reading a really good book, and you just interrupted me. And I was actually going to get some studying done once I finished that book. And quite frankly, I am kinda hungry for a sandwich." I stretched my arms over my head before letting them fall around her. "Besides, I've been playing that card since the first semester, and I just got you to make out with me. Screw the gentleman card, I already threw that in the shredder."

She hugged me back, yawning. "Well, that's good. Because I'd be pretty pissed otherwise."

"What, you're telling me you're not pissed all the time? It's like you're constantly bleeding from your vagin–"

"Don't ruin the moment, asshole."

"Fine, fine! Geez, you're such a girl."

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"Thank you, Jaune…" she sighed.

"Anything, Weiss…" I sighed back.

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"… You don't care that I'm not as… developed… as Yang… do you?"

"Psh! Please! Tits are overrated." I grabbed her ass under her combat skirt, making her squeak quite adorably. "I'm all about that booty!" I laughed.

I stood up and dragged her up with me. I walked over and picked up my guitar and the book I was reading, slinging the former on my back and pocketing the latter.

"Now come on," I took her hand in mine. She entwined our fingers. "Let's get you to the cafeteria so you can get me that sandwich."

"What! No! You get your own sandwich!"

"Woman, I'm an asshole. You will get me that sandwich if you want to make this work."

"Fuck you! You make this work!"

"Ugh! Fine! I'll get us some coffee, you get us the sandwiches. Deal?"

"… Fine. Deal."

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"I love you, Jaune."

"I love you, Weiss."

Huh.

What a weird day.

So I got the girl. All I need to do is to save the day, or something. And then we'll all be set for a cliché happy ending.

But there's one thing that will never change.

I will always hate nice girls.

Because it brought me here, next to this beautiful silver-haired, steel-eyed girl with an attitude that will freeze any unsuspecting male's balls off. Her hand fitting perfectly in mine, our fingers entwined.

God, I'm still such a poor sap.

I hate nice girls.

Has anyone actually notice that we've never seen Jaune's wrists before? He's always wearing something over it. Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Edit (some time around 18 hours after this fic was officially posted): I GET IT, WE SEE HIS WRISTS WHEN HE WEARS A DRESS. I was just too distracted by... other things during that scene. Let's leave it at that.

A/N: I, Kuro kaze no aka kira, command you... REVIEW! FAVORITE! DO THAT GOOD SHIT! Man, I really need to sleep. And get this piece of shit I call my computer fixed.

Watch out for Professor Bloody Raven or Whole's sequel. Whichever comes first.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Kuro kaze no aka kira