1 Robert J. White, Brain Transplant Specialist

The Scientist:

Dr. Robert J. White is an American surgeon famed for his expertise in the field of transplantology. His years of research into the human nervous system and the brain lead to the discovery of a spinal cord cooling process used by almost all medical institutions today.

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He is retired now, but for over 40 years he was a neurological surgery professor for Case Western Reserve University medical school where... oh who are we kidding, you don't care about this, right? Let's just get to...

The Madness:

In 1962, Dr. White was the first person to succeed in removing the brain of a dog and keeping it alive outside the body. The canine gray blob was hooked up to a brain wave monitor which proved that, yes, it was still active and full of thoughts. Whether the thoughts were centered around confused panic and pleas to kill it remain unverified though implied.

Then, in 1964, Dr. White further succeeded in freaking out everyone around him by transplanting the brain of one dog into the neck of another. Silly doctor, brains go in the skull, not the neck. He must have been quite embarrassed when that was pointed out to him.

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While the experiment proved that an alien brain can be kept alive in a host's body, unfortunately it did not create a dog smart enough to write Internet comedy.



Our retirement plan.

Wait, it Gets Weirder:

In the 70s, after a series of experiments, White succeeded in transplanting the head of one monkey onto the body of another one. Take a moment to let that sink in. OK, the monkey only lived for a few days, but since then White has repeated his experiment, proving that his monkey heads could basically survive indefinitely with its new host body. Too bad he had to euthanize them because they were all paralyzed.

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Unfortunately, all of you who were just packing to stalk Vin Diesel's apartment in hopes of wearing him like a new suit, please, put the syringes and saws down.

Modern medicine is still unable to repair nerve damage resulting from severing the spinal cord during the transplant, so all of the monkeys from the experiments ended up paralyzed from the neck down. BUT, if you feel the life of a quadriplegic is a small price to pay to have girls all over your (totally unresponsive) Vin Diesel junk, Dr. White was kind enough to provide a step-by-step guide for you.

If you haven't grabbed your torch and pitchforks yet to hunt down some scientists, then read The 5 Scientific Experiments Most Likely to End the World and Science is a Dick: The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented.

And check out Cracked.com's Top Picks to discover how we're working to combine all our columnists into one super dick-joke writing machine.