Sometimes, the most determined homophobes stick to their claim that same-sex marriage is a threat to “traditional” marriage to the point where I start to wonder if they really do believe it. But really, the only way you could really believe that is if you or your spouse is a closeted gay person, and the escalating social and legal support for gay rights is making the closeted spouse antsy. It happens and has happened, over and over again: A deeply closeted gay person is waiting, usually subconsciously, for just the right level of social acceptance, and then when it happens, boom! They leave their opposite-sex spouse, put their real name on that Grindr account and start singing the praises of freedom. If you have one of these marriages, then yes, same-sex marriage may very well be a threat to your opposite-sex marriage. Other than that, however, you are full of shit. And even then, you should be ashamed of yourself for living a lie.

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On a completely unrelated note, Michelle Bachmann said this about the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn DOMA: “No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted.”

Nancy Pelosi was asked to respond, and as Neetzan Zimmerman notes, her two-word response was perfect: “Who cares?”

I think this is exactly the response we should all have on hand when homophobic bigots start in on their wailing horseshit about “traditional marriage”, but I can understand why you might get a little tired of saying “who cares?” over and over again. We all want to mix it up, lest our mouths freeze in that position from saying it so much. So, with that in mind, I have compiled a set of responses we can all use interchangeably when dealing with anti-gay assholes who think anyone gives a fuck about their disingenuous caterwauling about “traditional marriage”.

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Truly, future generations will ask this extremely pertinent question of all the people who worked so long and so hard to prevent people from marrying because of imaginary threats that even they knew weren’t real: Why did you care?