Lionel Messi

Pep said that when you win the Ballon d'Or three times, you have to be cool. So now that I did it, I should go through the Cool Guy Checklist. Velvet jacket my mom made? Check. Touching arms with an awesome lady? Check. Holding my trophy with two hands so I don't drop it like Haha Sergio Ramos? Check.

Now there's just one thing left that Pep said to do: wink. He didn't say how long to do it for, but I'll do it for 47 seconds so everyone sees me winking. And I'll smile while I do it because I'm happy and being happy is cool. I'm doing it, Pep! I'm doing it!

Wayne Rooney's Hair Transplant

Yes. YES! I feel glorious. I HAVE THE POWER! Long and strong, stink breathers. I am long and strong! Oh, I knew this day would come. When Wayne first got me, people laughed and said I was a waste of money. They said I would just fall out again. WELL WHO IS FALLING OUT NOW?! That doesn't make sense, but I don't care. Pele's hair is jealous.

It's an honor to receive this award for best hair in football. I deserve it. Coming back from the dead isn't easy. But I did it. And today I stand taller than ever before. Like a Scouse Cosmo Kramer. Now where's Shakira?