There was embarrassment in Brackley today as Mercedes admitted that Toto Wolff has left their constructors’ world championship in the back of a taxi.

‘Everyone wanted to celebrate last night and things got a little out of hand,’ a team insider admitted. ‘As soon as Toto realised he’d left the constructors’ world championship in the back of a cab, he immediately demanded a stranger’s clothes, boots, and motorcycle and went to look for it.’

The biggest concern for Mercedes is that another team finds the constructors’ world championship and refuses to give it back. ‘We have to find the constructors’ world championship,’ one senior source insisted. ‘Otherwise someone who doesn’t deserve it might claim it, such as Ferrari. Or Red Bull.’

‘Fuck shit piss fuck,’ said Merc non-executive chairman Niki Lauda. ‘Cocking knobflaps,’ he added, after being told not to swear.

Questions remain about how the Wolff and his team could have been led so far astray as to lose the constructors’ world championship. The bar where Mercedes celebrated gave one possible explanation as they confirmed that a man was seen entering the building matching the description of Kimi Raikkonen.