Some 14 million cows have fled Egypt as the country’s officials seek to hurry Mo Salah’s recovery ahead of the World Cup, it has been revealed.

Salah picked up an injury during the Champions League final after his family sacrificed 3 cows prior to the game. The conclusion was not – as the cows had hoped – “perhaps sacrificing cows doesn’t work”, but instead “perhaps we should sacrifice more cows”. This, said one cow who chose to remain anonymous, was the worst possible outcome.

Hotels in neighbouring countries have filled up overnight, but other cows have chosen to relocate overseas instead. “Thank god I learned how to swim when I was younger,” said Bluebell, a cow who used to live in the centre of Cairo. “I’m just going to backstroke my way to Marbella and see if I can get a job on the superyachts.”

Other cows haven’t been so lucky. “We managed to get one of the last RyanAir flights out of Alexandra” explained Daisy, who we found stuck at Heathrow’s customs. “But we don’t have visas, accommodation or jobs. We’re effectively illegal immigrants.”

“They’ve already performed a cavity search” she continued. “It turns out I was just giving birth, but it was still harrowing nonetheless.”

More to follow.

We’re on that Facebook too mate.