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UPON learning of the news he was named TIME Magazine’s person of the year for 2016, president-elect Donald Trump cancelled all plans for the evening and requested a copy of the soon to be iconic cover.

“Make sure it’s laminated before you give it to me, I don’t want it ruined,” Trump told his assistant through the intercom in his Trump Tower office, before leaning back and undoing his trousers.

The president-erect informed the staff that make up his transition team, that he would need to set aside ‘at least 14 seconds’ this evening for very important ‘Donald time’, providing them with no additional information. However, his intentions became clear when he also requested someone bring him some lubricant and a magnifying glass.

Cancelling all plans to destabilise the US’s fragile relations with several countries via phone calls, and ruling out unwittingly tanking the shares of large corporations by tweeting out false information about them, Trump unlocked the large drawer under his desk which contained his supply of Viagra and got to work.

There are growing fears amongst his inner circle jerk that Trump may become so captivated by his image adorned on the cover that he will be paralysed and unable to take his eyes off himself, locked in a state of constant masturbation like a teenage boy hitting puberty.

The rumours of Trump’s self-imposed erotic paralysis and subsequent inability to perform his duties as incoming president have seen stock markets surge to record highs.