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CHARLOTTE, NC — Franklin Graham says his father, famed televangelist — and 1956’s Acme Snake Oil Salesman of The Year — Billy Graham told him “Son, there are three things in life you must always do. One, shine your shoes every other day. Two, pray to God every single morning and every single night. Three — don’t let your money in any way be affiliated with the gays.” It’s that fatherly advice, the junior Graham says, that spurred him to call for a national boycott of Wells Fargo Bank, after they ran an ad that had a homosexual couple in it. Wanting to shield the country from what he called the “moral decay” of the Wells Fargo ad depicting a lesbian couple, Franklin led the charge by taking his money to a local North Carolina bank, BB&T Bank.

Graham, however, was disappointed to find out the very next day that he had moved his money from a gay-friendly bank to another gay-friendly bank. BB&T Bank even was the host of a same-sex wedding reception earlier this year. So Franklin told reporters that he decided “the only bank [he] could trust was the bank of Franklin Graham” and pulled out all the money he’d earned convincing hard working folks to send their money to him so they could reserve a really nice suite in the Heavenly Hotel, and he stuffed it all in his bedroom mattress.

“But you know what,” Franklin told the press, “I cannot explain this for the life of me, but apparently even my mattress is pro-gay. I stuffed my money into it, and the next thing I know, I come home and it’s watching Bravo.” Graham says that he approached his mattress about the Bravo TV watching and the new rainbow-motif bedding. “My mattress told me, and you’ll never believe this,” Graham said, “that it just assumed I was gay myself!”

The 62 year old Graham told reporters that his mattress “told [him] that the only people he’s ever seen get so riled about gay sex was gay people, you know, because they love to have gay sex being all gay and stuff.” Graham would later tell members of the media that the mattress “suggested that maybe I’d be less stressed out if I either a) stopped giving a shit when two adults got married out of love and commitment to one another or b) just went out on a suck-and-fuck cruise with my assistant, whom I must admit is a strapping, beautiful young lad in his early 20’s.”

“What kind of a world do we live in,” Graham asked, “when a man’s mattress can turn over on him?”

“The bottom line for me is a simple one,” Graham said. “I just don’t want to live in a society that has rapidly changed its collective mind on the humanity of the gays. I want to keep living in a world I think exists where I get to bash living, breathing human beings because I am a little too worked up over how they get themselves off.” Franklin continued by saying he was “depressed that I keep running out of areas in the public square where I can spout my ignorance-bred rhetorical nonsense with impunity.”

“If I can’t find a bank that is dumb enough to be proudly anti-LGBT at a time when the public is so clearly having an awakening of consciousness, I don’t live in America anymore,” shouted Graham as he was finishing his impromptu press conference. “But I won’t give up. Uncle Jerry never gave up. Uncle Jimmy never did. No matter how painfully obvious it is to me and everyone around me that the times really are a-changin’, I will stay steadfast in my commitment to repression based on my belief in an invisible sky man and his martyred son.”

Graham said, “Just as there are still people alive today who believe blacks and whites are fundamentally different and best kept separate from one another, there will always be people like me keeping the fires of religious-based bigotry alive. You can thank those whacky-ass Puritans for enshrining in our founding documents the legal protection I need to be a rapacious, vindictive asshole to people I’ll never meet, simply because I’m a little too concerned with their ass play. Then again, maybe this is a sign from God that I need to stop worrying about the gays, stop worrying about where my Earthly riches are stored, and get back to the tenets of the faith I supposedly keep so dear to me?”

“Ha! Just kidding, I’m going to keep repressing gays. It’s like my friend Denny Hastert once said — it’s only hypocrisy if you’re caught 20 years later for committing sins far greater than you accused others of committing,” said Graham as he walked away.