March 21, 2035

ANNAPOLIS — Over 300,000 senior citizens nationwide have been kicked out of their retirement homes — by none other than their own children. Citing “ageist propaganda”, millennials on city councils have passed laws to ban citizens above the age of 70 from retirement homes.



“Sure, I might only be 45,” one millennial said, “but I identify as a senior at heart, and no societal rules should be able to take that away from me! This movement is my way of finally getting what I feel like I deserve — pampering at the expense others.”



At the same time, retirement home prices have grown to deal with the fact that their target market has rapidly shrunk. This, combined with the increasing needs of the millennials, has caused problems for these homes looking to stay afloat.



Caretakers are being overwhelmed as demand for their services has skyrocketed. “It just isn’t fair,” one caregiver said. “Not only do we get paid less, but we also have to do more work to support the millennials than we did the elderly! They’re ruining us like they ruined the economy.” He went on to show the 37 waffles he had cooked for breakfast, all of which were rejected for not being vegan.



Of course, one question still remains— are these millennials really old enough to retire? When questioned, several millennials confronted reporters for being discriminatory and “ageist”. The reporters fled the scene after the millennials threatened to leave them negative reviews on Yelp.



Displaced seniors are particularly unhappy. “Those darn millennials,” one 85-year old man said. “Absolutely no respect for their elders! They act like they’re entitled to everything, those young whippersnappers … one day, everyone’ll be tired of dealing with them and they’ll starve to death because they only know how to tap on screens!” This sentiment was echoed by several more seniors in the area, who were threatening to take their walkers and wheelchairs to picket at the nearest (accessible) city hall.



Reported By: Cyclic

