The following is a bit of a long, but very important read. Be sure to spread this story of heroism with all who believe in justice.

This is a true story of something that happened just a few days ago at the gym I go to.

There was a cycling class instructor there who was a deeply committed bicyclist. His primary goal for one required class (the gym was weird and made you take classes) was to spend the entire class attempting to prove that bicycling was superior to walking.

His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable quads. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him.

Sure, some had fought back in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students (it’s a big gym), “If there is anyone here who still believes in walking, stand up!”

In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, “Because anyone who believes in walking is a fool.

If walking worked, you would be able to walk over here and stop me from breaking this walking stick. But you can’t, because bicycles are superior”

And every year, he would drop the walking stick onto the tile floor of the gym and it would snap in half. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that walking couldn’t be an acceptable lifestyle. Certainly, a number of Pedestrian-Americans had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few days ago I enrolled in the class. I’m a proud Pedestrian-American, and had heard the stories about his instructor. I wasn’t required to take the class; I didn’t even belong to the gym. But I had run out of material for this blog, and realized I needed to stir up controversy and create offensiveness in order to keep posting, so I took the class.

Nothing the instructor says could convince me bicycling is healthy…I hoped. I attended class daily and lost 15 pounds, but I refused to be swayed by the “virtues” of bicycling. Finally, the day came. The instructor said, “If there is anyone here who still believes in walking, stand up!” The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as I stood up at the back of the room.

The professor shouted, “You FOOL!!! If walking worked, you’d be able to stop me from breaking this walking stick!”

He attempted to snap the stick, but as he did, I stood up, walked over to him and punched him square upside his head. This made him drop the stick, causing it to hit the ground, and simply roll away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as my fist followed through with the punch (good form is important). He looked up at me, then tried to bicycle out of the room. However, the bikes are all mounted to floor there and he got nowhere, showing the futility of bicycling.

The class laughed at him mercilessly, while I stood at the front of the class, teaching the virtues of walking and how the importance of social justice justifies my punch because as an oppressed class, I can only be the victim by oppressors such as the instructor.

And that instructor’s name was Mitt Romney.