COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream and onion potato chips. “Jeez, what was I thinking?” said a fiercely tormented Willhite, admitting that while the label’s tempting promise of “screamin’ southwestern flavor” seemed like an exciting departure from his customary fare, he never should have forsaken his loyalty to the smooth and savory flavor that, time and again, has faithfully sated him. “These ones aren’t as good. You just can’t go wrong with sour cream and onion.” Willhite stated that, though he made a grave and unforgivable error, he would bravely soldier forward, resigned to his fate, and eat all five servings contained in the bag in a single sitting.

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