CHARLOTTE, NC—Cleverly putting together the clues to crack the case Monday, Samantha Pearson—a real-life Nancy Drew—reportedly used her sleuthing skills to deduce who had infected her with genital human papillomavirus. “I knew it had to be someone I’d met at the big party last month, but who could it be?” said Pearson, 20, who explained that she stumbled on the mystery after discovering several curious-looking warts on her skin. “Then all of a sudden I realized: HPV doesn’t usually spread from mouth to mouth, but by hands and genitalia! So it couldn’t be Fred or Danny, and since Mr. Conway just likes to watch, I quickly worked out that the culprit must be Kyle O’Keefe—of course!” At press time, sources confirmed the perky young gumshoe was off to track down the sinister fellow responsible and key an obscenity into his car door.

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