LOS ANGELES—Finally divulging the most sought-after of her many beauty and wellness methods, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed Wednesday that the secret to her healthy, radiant skin was nothing more than her consumption of 20 pounds of kielbasa a day. “There are so many easy changes you can make in your day-to-day routine that make an instant difference in your complexion—and for me, that’s always meant setting aside four or five minutes every morning to wolf down a couple big rings of smoked Polish pork sausage,” the actress-turned-wellness-guru wrote in an editorial featured on her lifestyle website Goop, enhancing the article with a step-by-step skincare guide beginning with frying the sausages in lard alongside bacon and onions, accompanying the treatment with an entire loaf of caraway rye slathered in butter, and concluding with a pore-refining post-sausage cigarette and frosted mug of dark beer. “There are always lot of questions when setting off on a new skincare journey, but it’s important you feel free to make adjustments based on whatever’s right for your skin—explore the different nurturing effects of boiled or baked kielbasa, serving with pore-shrinking sauerkraut, cleansing mustard, or even a pound or two of invigorating egg noodles in a sour cream and chitterling sauce. Just listen to your body.” Paltrow concluded her post with a recommendation that users purchase one of her $80 artisanal pork fat candles, which she claims are specifically molded and dipped for purposes of postprandial meditation.

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