Tempering ... is not a specific set of rules to be followed; the adjustments will vary from person to person is not a goal or achievement to be completed; it is an ongoing process has elements that are not new, but it is a different way of seeing things for many is not a secret program or plan you have to pay for. It is free and open to everyone

What is Tempering?

Tempering is a life philosophy and mind set of seeking balance. It focuses on moderating and balancing our behaviors, impulses, and emotions, and works towards living the full range of human experience while seeking to keep our basic drives from getting out of control.

This is achieved through a general understanding of human drives. Human behaviors and emotions are driven by a complex interaction of our basic nature and conscious choices we make. We are both thinking and feeling, head and heart, logic and emotion. Both are necessary, but also often in conflict. This realization can help us to work towards balance. Through increased awareness, a desire to change, and a bit of self-displine, we want to moderate the negative, and strengthen the positive. We want to fight against the destructive parts of our nature without losing our humanity or sacrificing the joys of being human.

Humans have come a long way with our tools and technology, and while things have been getting better for humanity, we are still very strongly tied to our animal nature and there is still much we can learn towards being better people.

Assumptions

We are all humans whose emotions and behaviors are governed by a mix of instinctual needs and conscious choices.

People are capable of using the conscious part of their brain to help manage their emotions and behaviors.

Levels of self-awareness vary greatly among people, and often within the same person depending on circumstances.

The desired average state is one that is not too uninhibited, or too controlled.

Many “negative” emotions serve a purpose which is why we strive for moderation and not elimination

All things being equal, a simple option will be more effective than a complex one

The Process

There is no specific concrete process that will work for everyone, but there are some general steps that define the basics of Tempering.

Be aware of Tempering and its goals. If you consider your behaviors and emotions through the lens of Tempering, you have already broken the routine of automatically reacting. Understand your own nature and behaviors. Being honest with yourself is important. It can be difficult to make a true assessment of one’s self, but we often know our own strengths and weaknesses, and where we could use some improvement. Realize that Tempering is an ongoing process of awareness and small adjustments that continue as you gradually move towards an more balanced life. Simply trying for balance alone can make a huge difference. Once this becomes a habit, just thinking about Tempering can help calm you in a stressful situation. Work on having a "fact seeking" mind set. It is hard to overcome confirmation bias and believe things that are counter to the core beliefs that define us. However, if your core belief is grounded in seeking facts and the truth, then accurate information is welcomed and false information, or information not backed up with evidence, is rejected because accepting it would go against your fundamental nature.

Don't let other people or situations define your mood and reactions. Just because someone is acting hostile towards you doesn't mean you need to respond in kind. Work towards getting into habits where your instant reactions are positive (or at least neutral). Focus on setting a good example. Even if no one is around, imagine that you are trying to be a role model for others. Choose kindness over cruelty, compassion over blame, and cooperation over "winning" and dominance.

Share some of your techniques for balancing your own emotions and behaviors.

Topics in brief

You vs The World

Does your sense of self need balance? At the extremes, some people take up the attitude that others will simply need to accept them as they are without consideration for others. These people can be abusive to others and have a feeling of entitlement. Sometimes this will happen if a person is in a position of power. Other times it is the result of a lack of power. Either way, this is a selfish position. Treating other people with kindness and civility is rare these days, but it is still welcomed and revered by most. People share acts of extraordinary kindness and it can be contagious.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also contagious. Many people who are treated poorly end up feeling angry, and end up doing the same to others. This is a vicious cycle that can be very difficult to break. Giving other people the benefit of the doubt or considering how it would feel if you were in their shoes can go a long way towards getting you in the right frame of mind about other people's poor behavior. Often the best way to change the behavior of others is to lead by example.

The other side of the coin from people who don’t care what others think, are the people who care too much. You can cannot live your life worried about what other people will think. This key realization is that is not an invitation to act poorly, it is just a change in focus from thinking “what will others think of me?” to “I want to be a better person for the sake of myself, the people I care about, and for the improvement it will make in society.”

The trick also comes in balancing your own happiness and freedom with those around you. This can be difficult with the people you care about, and even harder with people you don’t know. Consider a scenario when you are already running late and someone pulls out in front of your car and you miss a stop light and will now be even later. You may get quite angry at this person. Were they being purely inconsiderate, or was there a legitimate emergency that and they needed to get somewhere fast? You may react differently if it was the latter, but ultimately it doesn't matter. It was one point in time that you will soon forget, and you can't change what has already happened. What you can change is your reaction. You can decide that being in an angered state is not in your best interest. If you are competitive by nature, maybe you'll decide that being angry on lets that person "win." Sometimes simply considering our reactions to things allows us to refocus and move on.

Time

We all have a finite amount of time on Earth, and it would be nice to make every moment count. However, our lives are typically filled with a tremendous amount of "wasted" time. This time could be lost working a job you don’t like, or in small increments like getting stuck in traffic. It can be especially frustrating when other people are the cause of you losing your time. So what to do? Well, thoroughly enjoy the positive time you get. It is usually fleeting, and it can’t be saved for later no matter how hard we try with photos or video. The annoying time that gets stolen from you by life in general and the many daily inconveniences are hard to manage. It is something that is lost forever. "Make the best of it" is an annoying platitude, but focusing on the lost time and getting angry at a situation that you can’t control just makes the time you have seem worse. Most of us spend the great deal of our lives using up our precious time in ways we wouldn’t choose. Making the best of it is a choice we can make.

Tribalism

Feeling connected to people is healthy, but it can also lead to denigrating people of another group. Many of us end up going along with our “tribe” on many issues without ever considering other possibilities. The positive emotions you get from your group can sometime lead to negative feelings or behaviors towards another group. Life isn’t black and white. In many cases, the people on the other side of an issue came to their opinion in a similar way to how you came to yours. They are often decent people that just have a different way of looking at the world. That doesn’t mean there isn’t right and wrong. It just means that even if someone is wrong, it doesn’t mean you should disparage their character or assume their motives are evil. Instead of labeling people based on religion, skin color, gender, country, etc., consider them as a human, and look to their actions as an indication of their character. Are they selfish and greedy, or caring and considerate? Do they try to tear people down, or lift them up?

It is certainly difficult to step back and examine our our biases, and reconsider our beliefs. However, you cannot move forward towards being a better person without an honest self-assessment. It is easy to caught up in group-think, and going against your peers can be difficult. Nevertheless, doing the right thing is important, and you will be setting an example for others to follow.

Propaganda

It is becoming more difficult these days to do anything without being "sold" some point-of-view (or product or service). Is that advice you saw online helpful, or is it just some information spun in a way to benefit someone else? It's exhausting trying to consider every angle, and much easier to reject things you already disagree with, and agree with things that match your world view. However, confirmation bias may keep you from learning something new or understanding someone else's point of view. After a while it's easy to get cynical and reject it all. The best we can do is to use critical thinking to work out what is true and consider what is ethical and right.

Idolization

Having heroes and people we look up to and admire is normal. We may look to these people for guidance as to how to live our own lives. However, this can also get out of hand. Celebrities sometimes fill this role in peoples lives, but just because someone can sing, or act, or perform well in sports doesn’t mean they have anything useful to say about anything else. They also could have something useful to say, but those opinions need to be judged on their own merits, and not just because someone famous said it.

Competition vs Cooperation



Competition can be good in moderation, and bad if it drives everything you do. We live in a connected world where it is virtually impossible to be the best at any one thing. There is always going to be people that are stronger, smarter, richer, etc. Focus on personal goals and being the best you, you can be. Eventually, as we age, most of the performance aspects of our lives start to decline. However, you can still improve on the person you are. Being more generous, thoughtful, helpful is a great place to start. You rarely see people competing to be the best person. Competition is usually about personal glory. The point of cooperation is working together for a common goal that enriches both parties. Competition ends with a loser. Only cooperation can create multiple winners and no losers.

Human Significance

It is beyond human comprehension to understand just how small we are in the universe. Does that mean what we do doesn’t matter? Absolutely not. While the things we do have no real impact on the universe as a whole. The things we do have great impact on the people around us. Human feelings and emotions are extremely powerful, and are what makes us, us. While they cannot be effectively quantified, in many ways, they are the most real things in the universe.

Love, Hate and Indifference

People often associate love and hate. Both of those are hot emotions and are certainly related. Many times hate is felt after spurned love. Stories abound about how awful ex-spouses are. Most times those feeling are a natural reaction to one person treating the other with indifference or offering their love to someone else. Everyone knows how much that can hurt and the level of emotions felt can be overwhelming to say the least.

Tempering can help here, but like anything else, it can’t prevent or fix a broken heart. Understanding the needs of people in a relationship (both yours and your partners) can help a person better communicate, and lead to a more positive outcome. Sometimes, stepping away from your “blind” love or hurt feelings for an evaluation of the situation can make a huge difference in a relationship.

Regret

Letting go of regret is an important part of life. There is no way to go back and change what has already happened. The best we can do is try to learn from our experiences without dwelling on what happened. If the regret involves another person or people, you can apologize. Regret isn’t a pleasant experience, but it can serve the purpose of helping motivate us to do better in the future, or make a needed change.

Confidence vs Doubt

Self-esteem and confidence are important in being a functioning, happy member of society. However, too much confidence blinds one to to possibility of being wrong and can make you less considerate to the needs and suffering of other people. The more strongly you hold a belief, the more skeptical you should be of any news or information that agrees with those beliefs. Doubt often gets a bum rap, but admitting that we don't know things is an emotional mature position. It's actually good to keep a position of "I don't know" for things where there is insufficient evidence. If new evidence comes along, you'll be more open to hearing it. If something is never resolved, at least you won't be spending your life holding a potentially false view.

Caring vs Apathy

Too much caring can be very stressful. There are many issues that we face everyday. Issues that affect just us, and issues that affect the world. It can be overwhelming, and sometimes you may feel like putting your head in the sand and ignoring it all. However, not caring at all is not a solution. Here, finding a balance means trying to do something about the things you can, and not worrying about the rest.

More to come ...