(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here is Graeme Nichols of The 6th Sens, fondly recalling the Montreal Canadiens. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By Graeme Nichols, The 6th Sens

Je Me Souviens les 2013 Habitants...

Prologue:

Admittedly, it’s a daunting task to torch the Montreal Canadiens; especially when the city is so adept and experienced at doing it themselves. But being approached by Wysh and Puck Daddy gang to follow in the footsteps of predecessors like Down Goes Brown and the guys from Days of Y’Orr and eulogize one of the most storied franchises in the NHL is a privilege.

But with this honour comes great responsibility. The last thing I would ever want to do is write something that provokes Ali G. wannabe, Michel Therrien, to keep talking about respect.

Ah well, here it goes…

Dearest fans, rivals, and fellow puck lovers, today we remember a franchise so mired in mediocrity that it thoroughly believes that winning one more playoff game than last season (under a Francophone coach, no less) is significant progress.

So gather ‘round, grab a Molson Ex and pour a little out for the season that simply could not expire soon enough for the 2013 Montreal Canadiens.

There used to be a time when playing for Les Glorieux meant something. From smoking cigarettes between periods, to walking across the bench to tell Ronald Corey that you’ve played your last game for the organization, it meant something to play for the Bleu, Blanc, et Rouge.

Habs players used to be rock stars but those days no longer exist. Now they’re nothing but insufferable, petulant, excuse-making whiners. They’re essentially the Eastern Conference’s version of the Vancouver Canucks without the two President’s Trophies and perennial playoff appearances to their credit.

Now every story must have a beginning, so what better place to start than the 2012/13 offseason.

Offseason

The conclusion of their dismal 2011/12 campaign necessitated what many believed would be significant change in the City of Saints. Interim head coach Randy Cunneyworth and GM Pierre Gauthier were given their walking papers. As somewhat of a surprise move, newly appointed GM Marc Bergevin moved quickly to bring in Michel Therrien for a second tour of duty as the organization’s head coach. It was the first step in what Bergevin believed to be the Pittsburgh’s four-step model for success:

1. Hire Michel Therrien

2. Fire Michel Therrien midseason

3. Hire Dan Bylsma for a deep playoff run

4. Win Stanley Cup

On paper, it’s a great plan. The absence of Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin from Montreal’s roster is just a minor oversight for a rookie GM whose forward group is headlined by Player #67 and Player #21.

Following the coaching hire, Scott Gomez was bought out. Triple low-fives were banned in favour of a postgame team celebration. Thanks to Bon Cop, Bad Cop Brendan Shanahan, the triple low-five was the only thing on Montreal to be suspended this year. Somehow however, Player #14’s turtleneck avoided a similar fate.

Fortunately for the organization, their dismal place in the standings – 15th in the Eastern Conference – afforded them the opportunity to select third overall in the NHL Draft and nab a prospect who would not have been available to them at that spot had he not suffered a knee injury.

For the first time in quite a while, Habs fans finally had a top three pick that they build their franchise around and hopefully fulfill the promise of having events other than Roch Voisine concerts booked at the Bell Centre late in the spring.

With a few building blocks starting to fall in place, fans may have been excited for the start of the 2013 season, but with the distraction of Player #76’s contract negotiations lingering over the team, the level of excitement amongst the players was not shared.

Story continues