If you ever get the chance, take time to observe MPs sitting in the House of Commons. Roughly half will be paying some kind of attention to the debate; the rest will be on their phones. Of these, some will be on Twitter, either to compose bons mots or check the number of retweets and likes they have got. A few will be checking they still exist: I once caught Julian Huppert, a Lib Dem MP up until the 2015 general election, Googling himself during a select committee hearing.

Most, though, are likely to be on WhatsApp, the messaging service, advancing their careers or targeting the downfall of someone else’s. In the past, most plotting was done in Westminster’s bars and private rooms. Now it’s done via WhatsApp. When you hear a succession of government spokespeople appear on the radio and the TV using much the same language to talk down the significance of some new crisis, such as the resignation last month of transport minister Jo Johnson, it is not due to an outburst of spontaneous consensus. Rather, it is the result of a WhatsApp network agreeing a party line for everyone to repeat for media consumption.

The advantage of WhatsApp is that it is securely encrypted, meaning that politicians feel free to express what they really think, rather than what they would like people to think they think. WhatsApp is politicians unplugged. Which isn’t to say that WhatsApp messages never get leaked, only that they get leaked on purpose. There are the groups whose contents are designed to remain confidential, and there are the groups in which everyone knows there are one or two members who are unable to prevent themselves from blabbing to the press.

The trick for any politician is to keep track of which WhatsApp group is which, and to post the right message to the right group. Sometimes this is easier said than done. There is the cabinet WhatsApp group, the Leave-supporting cabinet “Monday Pizza Nights” group. There’s the Remain-supporting Tory backbenchers. There’s the 70-strong European Research Group (ERG), led by Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg. There is the shadow cabinet. There are the unofficial opposition of Labour moderates. Then there are the known unknowns. And almost certainly the unknown unknowns.

What do they talk about? Handily, I’ve taken a peek at what might have been some of the key chats of this tumultuous year.

The ERG 4 ever group

Jacob Rees-Mogg How many letters of no confidence do we have now?

Steve Baker At least 100.

JRM Seriously?

SB Trust me, I’m a numbers man.

JRM That’s what I’m worried about.

SB OK, well, at least 50…

JRM Steve...

SB On my life, we’ve got 40 nailed on. Cross my heart and hope to die.

JRM Very well. So you’re saying that if I, too, were to submit a letter to the 1922 committee, then others would follow and we would reach the 48 we need to trigger a leadership challenge?

SB Count on it. I’ll organise a press conference outside parliament.

Boris Johnson I hope you don’t mind me butting in. I’m behind you all the way. I see this as a huge opportunity in our nation’s history for me to become prime minister. I’ve had my hair cut specially.

An hour later

JRM That was a complete disaster.

SB Sorry about that. I got my fours and twos muddled up. I thought we had 42 letters and it was only 24.

JRM You’ve made me look a nincompoop. We need a plan B.

SB I think we actually need a plan A.

JRM Your literacy is better than your numeracy. Now, come on everyone. We need some ideas.

David Davis I’ve got hold of some important research by the renowned economist Patrick Minford who is usually wrong about everything.

JRM What are you doing in this group?

DD I’ve resigned from the government.

JRM Have you? I hadn’t noticed.

DD There’s a graph that says we will be 8% better off with a no-deal Brexit...

JRM You’re looking at it the wrong way up.

Owen Paterson I blame the badgers. They’re always moving the goalposts.

Iain Duncan Smith We should have put them on universal credit. That would have taught them a lesson.

Dominic Raab Dover is a lot closer to Calais then I had imagined...

JRM How lovely to hear from you, Dominic! But what are you doing in this group?

DR I’ve resigned from the government.

JRM Have you? I hadn’t noticed.

Priti Patel Let’s think big. We could get rid of this backstop agreement forever by just starving the Irish into submission.

Mark Francois That’s a fucking brilliant idea!

JRM Expletives help no one, Mark. And while I personally have some sympathy for starving the Irish, I think we need to be very careful about stirring up the historical legacy of the potato famine.

PP Why? Whoever heard of a potato going hungry?

JRM So our plan is just to say no to everything and hope that sooner or later something happens? Let’s get out and sell this on the airwaves...

I see this as a huge opportunity in our nation’s history for me to become prime minister Boris Johnson

SB Right-ho, chaps, I’ve got our crack troops lined up. James Gray, Anne-Marie Trevelyan, Suella Braverman and Ben Bradley...

JRM Er...

BJ I hope you don’t mind me butting in. I’m behind you all the way. I see this as a huge opportunity in our nation’s history for me to become prime minister. I’ve even had my hair cut specially.

Two weeks later

SB I’ve had a recount and we’ve definitely got the 48 letters.

JRM Stop playing your silly games, Steve.

SB But I really, really do have them now. Cross my heart and hope to die.

OP Help!

Bill Cash Help!

SB What are we going to do?

JRM Lose.

The all aboard the shadow cabinet chat

Keir Starmer We need to chat, Jeremy. Can you call me please?

A day later

KS Jeremy, it’s urgent. We have to finalise a Brexit plan.

Jeremy Corbyn has left the group

KS Can you go round to Jeremy’s house, Diane, and find out where he is?

Diane Abbott I’ve just knocked on the door and there’s no one in.

Emily Thornberry I think he’s up at his allotment. I’ll pop up there.

John McDonnell added Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn This had better be important. My brussels sprouts require a lot of attention at this time of year.

KS The government is in crisis. We need to be ready with our own coherent Brexit plan.

JC I thought we had one.

KS Agreeing to not have one is not quite the same.

DA Stop being beastly to Jeremy. He’s got a lot on. He’s got to go to Mexico for the inauguration of the new socialist president this weekend.

JC Thank you, Diane. That’s very considerate of you.

Sue Hayman Does anyone know what time Sainsbury’s closes tonight? XX

Richard Burgon About 10pm, I think.

KS What’s that got to do with Brexit?

SH This is the family WhatsApp group, isn’t it?

John McDonnell No. It’s the shadow cabinet group.

SH Then what am I doing in it?

JM You’re the shadow Defra minister…

SH Am I?

ET I have no idea.

Nia Griffith Nor me.

ET Who are you?

John McDonnell added Dan Carden

Dan Carden Can anyone tell me who I am?

JC No.

KS Can we get back to Brexit?

JC What’s that?

KS That thing you’ve always been quite keen on…

JC OK, now I’m with you. Our plan remains unchanged.

KS But the Tories have pulled the meaningful vote…

JC Have they? We still stand firm. Our priority is to promise a Brexit that delivers on the will of the people by offering the country a whole lot of things the Tories are not offering and which the EU won’t give us.

KS But that isn’t an alternative plan?

JM Then we shall be demanding a general election with me as leader of the Labour party…

JC Hang on a minute, aren’t I the leader?

JM Yes, of course. But the media do quite like me.

KS Guys, guys, there isn’t going to be a general election. The Tories and the DUP aren’t going to bring down the government. We need to have a position on the second referendum.

JC We’ve got one. All options are on the table…

KS But what does that mean. Are we for one or against one? And do we want to stay in the EU or leave?

JC I’ve got to go. My leeks need pulling.

Jeremy Corbyn left the group

Cabinet lolz

Philip Hammond Does anyone know what’s going on?

Matt Hancock You’re the one who is supposed to be good at forecasts, Phil! I’ve been spending the weekend stockpiling some medicines for a friend of my mother-in-law.

Amber Rudd Well, I believe the prime minister has secured a deal that is the best on offer and is right for the country, and we should all jolly well get behind her to help her get it through parliament.

Jeremy Hunt Chill out, Ambs! We all know you’re thrilled to be back in the cabinet. No one’s listening. The PM never checks this group. PS DM me if you fancy backing my leadership bid.

Sajid Javid DM me instead, Amber.

Dominic Raab I’m the people’s choice to be the new Tory leader.

Andrea Leadsom What are you still doing in this group? You were sacked weeks ago.

DR I resigned, actually.

PH Whatever.

AL I must have forgotten to delete you.

Andrea Leadsom removed Dominic Raab from the group.

AL Does anyone know who the new Brexit secretary is?

Gavin Williamson Haven’t a clue. I’ve been spending the past few weeks trying to flog off the last few hundred fireplaces I’ve got in storage. If anyone fancies one, I can offer a good deal.

Penny Mordaunt I think it’s Stephen Bartley.

AR It’s Barclay.

AL Still not ringing any bells. But I’ll add him anyway,

Andrea Leadsom added Stephen Barclay to the group.

Stephen Barclay Hi chaps. The PM has just phoned me to say she definitely has no intention of pulling the vote and has sent me on to Marr to reassure MPs.

PH So that’s definite then.

SJ Yup. She’s definitely pulling the vote.

Michael Gove Actually, the PM has also phoned me to say the vote is going ahead. Let’s speak later, after I’ve told the Today programme what’s going on.

PH I can’t believe Mikey has fallen for it, too.

SJ Me, neither. He’s going to look such an idiot. But good news for my leadership bid...

JH And mine!

AR It’s been confirmed the PM is pulling the vote.

PH Who would have guessed?

MG FML

SB Mine, too.

Chris Grayling Sorry to be late on this. My train got cancelled. Have I missed anything?

PH Only your entire life.

Jeremy Wright Do I exist or am I just a hologram?

SJ No one knows.

AR Pull yourselves together, everyone. I think Theresa has absolutely done the right thing. The best deal on offer wasn’t the best deal on offer and it’s important she goes back to Brussels to negotiate a better deal that can’t be bettered.

JH The country is totally screwed.

GW I can do you 50% off the mock Victorian tiled fireplace surrounds. That’s my final offer.

AL On the plus side, pulling the debate gives us more time to scrutinise the Lords’ amendments to the ivory bill.

PM Does anyone have a plan?

James Brokenshire There’s never been a plan.

JH Forget the DMs. Anyone who wants to back my leadership bid gets first pick of their cabinet job.

SJ Same goes for me.

AR What about you, Philip?

PH I’ll be fine. I took out a huge bet on sterling going down and the stock market tumbling. Happy days!

SJ Fuck. The ERG have got the 48 letters. There’s going to be a no-confidence vote, after all.

JH Well, I’ve always been 100% behind the PM.

SJ Me, too, obvs.

AR Now is the time for us to all get behind...

JH Oh, do give it a rest, Amber. How much longer are we lumbered with Theresa for?

PH No one knows. It could be months, it could be years.

CG Have I missed something?

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