I'm not the biggest fan of April Fools' Day. A designated day for pranks is practically a contradiction in terms. A good prank is, by definition, unexpected; having National Play a Prank on Someone Day is like asking someone to choose Chuck E. Cheese's or the Olive Garden for her surprise party.

Worse yet, the web has traditionally treated April 1 as Be Annoying for No Good Reason Day. Ha, ha, you're pretending your site's down! I might have fallen for it if three other sites from my morning trawl hadn't done the same thing. Now, can I read the damn comic strip, please?

Oh, this next site is in Finnish! It's not a prank, because there's no way I'm going to think the author suddenly started speaking Finnish like someone out of an Oliver Sacks book.

It's not a joke, because there's no discernible humor in it. It's just annoying! Annoying is fun one day a year, right? (Two if you count Talk Like a Pirate Day.)

Thankfully, more and more website operators are realizing that pretending to be bought out by Microsoft wasn't funny when Micro Instrumentation and Telemetry Systems did it in 1976, and it's not funny now. Some of them have switched over to doing something clever and funny without clinging to the prank idea.

I am, as I write this, looking forward to seeing what ThinkGeek comes up with this year, especially because the coolest ideas might become real products. And last year Facebook added the option for upside-down English in the language pulldown, which is at least better than making it the default as a "hilarious" "prank." (That last sentence will read better once they include air quotes and eye-rolls in UTF-8.)

I suppose I should be grateful that there's a day for people who still think Rick-rolling is the height of sophisticated prankery. That means that I, myself, can celebrate Avoid the Web Day and get a little break from the internet while the web's douchefolk shoot their collective load.

In that spirit, I suggest the following web-based holidays:

Forward That Mail Day ———————

Go ahead and send along all those belabored puns, funny images of butts, political screeds and doomed boycott-recruitment pleas. Create a list of CCs long enough to make Wikipedia look like half a haiku! Be sure not to trim any replies, so that finding the actual joke or rant is like debugging spaghetti code! (Also known as Delete All Incoming E-Mail Day.)

International Survey Day ————————

Is someone trying to use your website? Throw up an alert box asking them to fill out a survey! Everyone loves having to click "no, shut up, go away" when they're just trying to look up a ZIP code or buy a ghillie suit for their daughter's Sweet 16. Ask them even if they've never visited before! Ask them twice! Make the Cancel button green and the Accept button red! (Alternate name: Turn Off Javascript Day.)

Have an Opinion About Everything Day ————————————

So many comment forms, and only 24 hours to render your opinions as quickly and sloppily as possible. No time for research – better keep Caps Lock on at all times! Not familiar with the topic? Don't read the news? Don't actually speak the language the page is written in? Don't let that stop you! Offensive slurs will get you through times of no knowledge better than knowledge will get you through times of no offensive slurs. (Also called Don't Scroll Down Day.)

Repeat Old Jokes Day ——————–

All your base belong to Chuck Norris! We are the Knights Who Say "Arr, It's Drivin' Me Nuts!" Brains brains brains braaains brains brains. (Uh, that's the Trololo guy as a zombie.) Real geeks know that jokes age as well as wine and Baldwins. Why take a chance on making up something new to say, when you can just repeat something that was funny twice, six years ago! (Also known as A Normal Day on the Web.)

Composite image: Lore Sjöberg. Jack-in-the-Box photo: Caleb Zahnd/Flickr. Fire photo: Pete Coleman/Flickr.

- - -

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to Voi Luoja! Päässäni on kirves!

See Also:- Alt Text: Going Undercover at an Unregulated Content Farm