By Reddit user vucc.

The Pittsburgh Penguins entered the 2013 playoffs as the best team in the East. Hands down. They led the league in goals despite losing ever-vainglorious Sidney Crosby to plastic surgery mid-season. It seemed like a trip to the Stanley Cup Finals would be a cakewalk, even moreso once The Kid returned.

And then.

Marc-Andre Fleury’s first round cognitive flatulence from last year made an (un?)expected return. He was benched after four fecal games against the Islanders. Opting instead for Tomas “I have a really surprising amount of tattoos” Vokoun, the Pens’ rickety ship got rightened long enough to beat the Islanders and the Senators.

But now, against the Bruins in the Eastern Conference Finals, hockey’s golden goose Sidney Crosby has been diagnosed with a virulent case of the Fleuries. Crosby had a bevy of boondoggles in game one, which I’ll document below, including a Sean Avery-esque shove of Tuukka Rask at the end of the second period that in a just world would have resulted in a They Live-style brawl. Then, in game two, on his first shift, Crosby served up a tasty turnover that led to Boston’s first goal. That set the tone for the game, which was the most deliciously pathetic thing we’ve had the privilege to watch in a long time. The Bruins lead the series 2-0, and the Pens — well, they’re in trouble, dude.

Listen. I’ve been taunted by Penguins fans all my life. This is overdue.

Skating is Hard

I can’t be too critical here. At the free skate before the last RMNB party, I was almost this bad. Almost. (GIF by garageleague)

Hip-Check Fail

Technically, this was actually a butt check. Comically, this was actually awesome. (GIF by garageleague)

Graphic by shanabans

Crosby Elbows Rask During Intermission

Rask has been nigh-perfect this series. Meanwhile, Crosby has been so bad NBC almost talked about it one time.

Crosby Talks Trash to Chara

Crosby uses his big-boy voice. The kodiak bear wearing Chara’s uniform bends down to hear him. (Screenshot by @JustinDOY)

I’m pretty sure I know how this story ends.

ERMAHGERD THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING

Screen cap via cr0sby-87



Sid Ends Game One in Penalty Box, Seguin Laughs At Him

Not a bad move by Seguin, but grabbing his kit and making a “shh!” gesture woulda worked even better.

Crosby’s Assist on Boston’s First Goal of Game 2

Leadership.

Stop the Gosh-Darn Presses

NBC immediately sacked everyone involved. (Screen cap via the always-amazing @BeccaH_JR)

Deadguins Shirt

You know you want it. 15% off at checkout if you use the coupon code MYSHIRT2013.