WASHINGTON–cementing a trend towards greater open-mindedness, the Republican Party today altered its official platform to start bemoaning how no one respects gay marriage any more, and how things are much worse than they used to be.

“We need to be seen as the party of tolerance,” said Reince Priebus, RNC chairman. “That’s why, effective immediately, we will start making narrow-minded judgments about how all Americans, gay and straight, are letting this country go to the dogs.”

Like many people, Priebus attributed his change of heart to getting to know gay people in everyday life. “There used to be this unmarried gay couple that lived across the street, and I never thought anything of it,” he explained. “Then one day, I saw the two of them, and it just started to make me mad–living in sin like that just made me sick, and it was tearing at the fabric of our society. And that’s a change towards inclusion I hope all Republicans can make.”

Lisa Niedermayer, a divorced lesbian mother of two, was pleased to hear of the change in the GOP platform. “On behalf of divorced gay people everywhere, I’m really pleased that I’ve started to be a disappointment to the Republican Party,” she said.