New Al Qaeda leader promises free healthcare for martyrs

Ayman al-Zawahri has taken his first steps to winning over his critics within Al Qaeda by promising to introduce free healthcare with a complementary dental plan for all members who have blown themselves to smithereens.

Al Qaeda members have long been dubious about the assurances of 72 virgins upon reaching paradise so former surgeon al-Zawahri has decided to make a promise he has some slim chance of delivering on, just as soon as they have pushed the self-destruct button.

“People just aren’t buying the whole virgins yarn anymore,” the new global terror leader confessed, “so we’ll all just have to accept that it’s not the thirteenth century anymore.”

“And in order to keep up with our Western competitors – like the British and American militaries – I’ve decided to offer the kinds of long-term incentives that they provide.”

“So if their soldiers can have great teeth and healthy gums for doing their duties, I don’t see any reason why our brothers shouldn’t get the same, even if they have just scattered themselves across a half-mile radius.”

“Oh, and for those who are worried that I won’t deliver on these promises to look after my martyrs’ health – you can trust me, I’m a doctor.”

Funding fundamentalist healthcare

It was initially unclear how al-Zawahri would find the finances within Al Qaeda for such a bold plan but unsurprisingly, the Pakistani government has offered to provide for all the proposals.

“Well it’s only fair,” President Asif Zardari explained. “Ayman and Osama were living here, keeping their heads down and paying their taxes for over ten years.”

“So it’s about time they got something in return, isn’t it? Especially as we still haven’t paid out on Bin Laden’s state pension.”