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Maybe you have fond memories of Justin Bieber, unaware that he became the posthumous spiritual head of one of the world’s most notorious terrorist organizations. To citizens of the future, even a few bars of Boyfriend might bring back traumatic memories of the Bieber Wars. It’s not as far-fetched as it sounds: If you had been frozen in 1517, Martin Luther would just have been some German vicar trying to reform the Roman Catholic Church. Imagine your shock if you were unfrozen today and found that the Protestant Reformation Luther kickstarted had killed millions across Europe and led to the creation of Amish, Mormons and a church with the Queen of England at the helm.

A communist frozen in 1917 would have no idea what the word “gulag” even meant. A Cuban revolutionary frozen in 1958 might throw up when he saw what Fidel Castro did to his dreams for national liberation. Even eugenics wasn’t all that controversial before the Nazis got their hands on it. Just ask Nellie McClung.

Right now, if we could unfreeze an average Canadian from 1916, you’re almost guaranteed to get a racist, sexist homophobe who would find it utterly wussy that we’ve stopped beating our children. Go back 200 years, and you’ve got a Canadian who isn’t convinced that slavery is wrong and may see the term “animal cruelty” as a propagandistic invention.

So yes, by all means seal yourself into cold storage with visions of retiring in a land of hyperloop commuting, robot brothels and world peace. But you know how your dad is baffled by self-checkout machines and can’t understand why the cinema lineup gets quiet when he asks “what’s the name of the negro guy from Moana?” Be prepared for a future where you are at least 500 per cent more old-fashioned.

And most of all, try not to think about the fact that you might simply be leaving a perfectly preserved corpse for future generations. Remember what we do with perfectly preserved corpses from the distant past?

• Email: thopper@nationalpost.com | Twitter: TristinHopper