Don’t get ahead of me, now, when I say that polyamory isn’t good for men — that’s not actually me saying it — I’m quoting others. When conversing with my more honest and thoughtful friends who are men, this is the usual objection I get to my lifestyle (I don’t ask, they usually tell)— that it’s simply not good for men, and that sexual liberation isn’t good for men, in general.

I’ll keep this one short and sweet…

First of all, I’d like to say that I’m both fortunate and thankful to have such amazing and honest friends, people who are willing to share with me their experience and more importantly, their fears. This really means a lot to me.

One friend recently told me that when we “free up” the options of sexual partners, women will always have the advantage because they simply have more options, and while I’d say this might apply to everyone, it doesn’t apply to all of us, but that misses the point. He was right to say that, in his belief that opening up sexuality within our culture would somehow create more competition, making it more difficult for men in an already competitive dating world.

My first thought: That’s precisely the point…

The real question then becomes, does the idea that sexual liberation will make things more difficult on men justify possessiveness and the opposite of liberation? Should we fear women being free because we’ll lose out in the deal? Is this our sign, as men, that we might need to curb our reliance on possessiveness and control as a way to attract and keep a partner? I think that we should not, and I think that it is our sign.

While this isn’t a contrast with monogamous relationships themselves, this is a contrast with the frequent toxic monogamy culture that many people are tired of and have left behind.

If by “isn’t good for men,” the people who share this notion with me actually mean, “we don’t get to control or coerce women anymore,” then I am all for it and that’s a big part of why I do what I do…which is ultimately what they’re really saying to me, that things like slut-shaming are part of the bigger narrative which teaches women to be shameful their sexuality so that men may have a “fair” chance at attracting someone, and be justified in shaming them for nothing more than using their own body as they see fit in their own lives. Shaming doesn’t happen for no reason, it happens because people feel it’s an effective tool to curb a free sexuality that might leave them behind.

Personally, I need poly because poly liberates women through a categorical rejection of the concept of possession, according to men’s own admissions, and I desire liberal relationships — I don’t want to have to feel like I need to control other people all the time, it’s simply not in my nature. If control is the default way of existing in relationships, then I would want no part of them and I’ve chosen to leave relationships in the past where pathological control was a fundamental precept, whether the person was controlling or demanding to be controlled. In my experience, polyamory has fostered freedom by tempering control — and it’s tempered control by fostering freedom. The positive feedback loop is very real. While I know my situation is quite exceptional, it’s a gift beyond words and I can only thank the dispositions of the others involved for this gift.

In the past, I’ve had monogamous relationships that failed, for this reason, many times, where I would date someone who was quite used to the framework of control, whether they wanted to control or wanted to be controlled is less relevant — I didn’t want to live either way — I just wanted us each to be free.

It’s really hard for me or anyone else to be controlled when there are three people involved, though I’m sure it does happen. Ultimately, I need a framework where women are free to choose who they want to date and why they want to date them, and I need that because I don’t ever want to feel like someone is dating me strictly out of obligation — I don’t ever want to feel entitled to another person, to their body, their thoughts, their promises, their commitments that they didn’t give or make voluntarily on their own accord.

…and in order to feel that way, things need to be that way…

Men intimate to me that they’re afraid of losing control, something that they see happening a lot in our culture today, and they very much dislike it — I’m sad to report that it brings many of them to the brink of depression and beyond, yet, I still can’t feel all that sorry for them…this hints at something very important, the importance of the pervasiveness of the need to control other people to feel secure, that some people take up as a lifestyle and even a prerequisite for their own happiness. This is no way to live and no way to force others to live, and it’s the more sober face of the patriarchy. It’s unusual that so many feel this way, that they feel threatened by the liberty of others.

In my relationship, we’ve increased the authenticity of our love, quite counterintuitively, by creating alternative possibilities — possibilities that we haven’t seized upon. “Hey, you’re your own person and I will always respect your body and your decisions as your own,” has been met with, “And that’s exactly why I do this with you and I don’t need to look elsewhere.”

Freedom, or a lack thereof, tends to replicate itself, in my experience, because we often have a sense of injustice that occurs with double-standards. Many relationships have been unfree simply because one party wanted to deprive the other party of freedom, then sacrificed their own freedom in the name of equality. To me, this never made sense, and an equally shared misery is still misery.

It’s easy for people to talk a big game about freedom and equality, but it’s not until their own skin is on the line that it actually means anything, when we stick by our principles in the moments that it’s the least convenient for us, they gain their meaning — personally, when the possibility of liberating the sexuality of women has meant that dating would be more difficult for me, I’ve still stuck by my choice that freedom is better than oppression or coercion, and I’ve done so because I know that I’d rather not live under a society that was characterized by a pervasive culture of control. I’ve done so in the belief that I could become better and succeed in an atmosphere that was more free.

…and this is how I live now…

In my situation, I know my significant other has choices, her choices aren’t artificially reduced or narrowed, and even in the face of many possible options, she’s chosen to be with me — and that’s what makes our love real.

© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved