Farzana Parveen was beaten to death in broad daylight by her own father, brother and two cousins outside the High Court in the city of Lahore, Pakistan in May 2014 Honor Killing in Lahore. Why? “to preserve the family honor”, according to her father. Apparently, Farzana had brought ‘dishonor’ to her family when she married a widower from a nearby village against her family wishes and shunned a cousin to whom she was betrothed.

Unfortunately, Farzana is not an isolated case. Approximately 1,000 Pakistani women are killed each year by their male relatives in the name of ‘Honor’. The issues behind violence against women are quite endemic and deep-rooted in Pakistani society. There are tens of thousands of women silently suffering emotional, verbal and psychological abuse at the hands of their male family members in the name of ‘family honor’.

I know firsthand because I chose to marry a white Muslim man after leaving an abusive marriage to a Pakistani man arranged by my family. I was naïve enough to think that my father and brother, who present themselves as practicing Muslims and have all the visible ‘trappings’ of Islam – long beard, tunic, praying five times a day, would be Honored that their daughter and sister wants to marry a new Muslim. I thought that they would support us as any good, practicing Muslim should.

I was dead wrong! They reacted as if I had committed a major sin and used every trick in the book – intimidation, guilt tripping, verbal attacks and emotional manipulation to stop me from marrying him. I am lucky to live in the west where they couldn’t harm me physically. Unfortunately, there are thousands of women in Pakistan who are not that fortunate. I stuck to my guns and finally my family reluctantly gave their blessings.

After seven years of marriage my husband has proven himself to be a good husband and father. However, my family still refuses to accept him. At family gatherings the men isolate him and speak in Urdu (Pakistan’s native language) while he sits for hours right next to them with no ability to interact. They deny responsibility for their rude behavior and blame him instead! Even though they speak fluent English, they insist that he should learn Urdu if he wants to participate in their conversations. Of course! They have no responsibility.. It’s all his fault! Social isolation is a form of emotional abuse. It is humiliating and hurtful to go to family gatherings and be treated like outcasts. The message from my family is clear – We are not welcome there anymore.

The difference between Farzana Parveen’s father and mine is not about ideology but of degree. Both believe that their daughters violated the so-called ‘family honor’ by choosing to marry someone outside the tribe. They both believe that their daughters deserve to be punished for their defiance. I knew in my heart that I had to stand up for justice but years of manipulation and guilt tripping made me question if I was doing the right thing by standing up to my father. Would God be displeased with me? Would I burn in hell if I stood up to my father? I prayed and agonized upon these questions for days. At last the following passage from the Quran gave me strength – “Oh you who believe be maintainers of justice, bearers of witness for Allah’s sake, though it may be against your own selves or your parents or near relatives” 4:135.

God had indeed answered my prayers! I found the courage to disconnect with my family unless they changed their behavior. Instead of trying to satisfy their narcissistic need to control and emotionally torture me, I choose to spend my energy on my family. Instead of giving in to their manipulations, I choose to stand by my husband whose only crime is that the he accepted Islam, married a Pakistani woman and treated her and her children with compassion and respect. I choose to build a family where my daughter is free from emotional blackmail. Where she is respected as a person of dignity and not treated as a property of her male relatives.