TOPEKA, KS—Expressing dismay at his shockingly coldblooded behavior, sources confirmed that local man and heartless monster Ethan McKenzie, 34, walked out of local small business Hearthstone Artisan Goods on Tuesday without purchasing anything. According to reports, the unrepentantly cruel individual was observed browsing the shop for nearly 20 minutes, yet was unable to find room within his shriveled, blackened heart to make even a token purchase at the independent, family-owned business. Though McKenzie picked up and examined several items during his twisted jaunt through the store, sources confirmed that the incredibly callous man returned each of them to its display, even possessing the unthinkable malice required to make eye contact with and smile at the store’s proprietor while carelessly re-shelving a handmade candle. At press time, sources confirmed that the misanthrope had strolled past the cash register toward the store’s exit without exhibiting so much as a trace of remorse, uttering a curt “thank you” over one shoulder in a final act of viciousness.




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