The two biggest names are Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin, one of whom has too many ideas while the other has no ideas whatsoever. But they are bound by the fact that neither one of them is actually ever going to be nominated for president even if we have another Ice Age and the only Americans left alive are them, Dennis Kucinich and that woman who was Miss California until Donald Trump fired her.

Gingrich’s romantic history makes Senator Ensign look like a monk. (Last time around, we were so hoping that he and Rudy Giuliani would survive till the end of the primaries so we could say the three major Republican contenders had had a total of eight wives.) And he’s basically spent the last decade as a talking head. When it comes to career preparation for a presidential race, the worst two options are mayor of New York City and Fox News guest commentator.

The Palin family, meanwhile, seems less likely to replace the Obamas in the White House than to replace the Gosselins on “Jon & Kate Plus Eight.” (Have we mentioned that Sarah’s new grandson is naked in GQ this month?)

Recently, during a dust-up with David Letterman, Palin once again violated the cardinal rule for famous parents who want to shield their children from the media, which is, of course, don’t talk about your children to the media.

She is perhaps the only celebrity in America who does not understand that if a late show host makes a tasteless joke about your daughter, the worst possible response is to complain loudly until it’s certain the entire universe knows your child was insulted, all the while making the joke sound even more offensive than it was.

It might also have helped if your husband had refrained from volunteering your 18-year-old daughter, the mother of the GQ baby, to be the anti-teen-pregnancy ambassador for a clothing manufacturer.