ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,” said a distressed Matt Ryan as he attempted to buff out the scratch with the crumpled-up end of his sleeve. “This was a brand new stadium, too. It’s barely a year old and it’s already ruined. It’s so obvious, too, everybody is going to see this big, ugly gash during the game. Man, [Coach] Dan [Quinn] is gonna flip his shit.” At press time, the Falcons had been distracted from the scratch after noticing someone had pried the Mercedes Benz symbol off the front of the stadium.

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