Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.




Your team: Detroit Lions

Your 2017 record: 9-7. All they had to do to keep their playoff hopes alive was beat a cashed-out Bengals team on Christmas Eve. Let’s see how it went!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can’t believe the Bengals destroyed the playoff hopes of not one, but TWO teams last season. Incredible. Of course, the Lions wouldn’t necessarily have needed that game if they had won some other game earlier in the season, like the one against, oh I dunno, Atlanta. Let’s see how THAT game went!

Every year, this team finds a way and interesting way to get fucked by a quirk in the NFL rulebook. It’s almost like they have a fetish for it. They’re definitely losing at least four games because of the Helmet Rule. In December, they’ll all don gimp masks and conspire to lose at the very last second on Sideline Warning penalty.


Anyway, the Lions decided to shitcan Jim Caldwell after last season. All Caldwell did was post a winning record in three of four seasons and bring a general air of steadiness to a team that is traditionally in a permanent death spiral. You guys should have been GRATEFUL for mediocrity. Mediocre is pretty much as good as you’re ever gonna get in Detroit, but instead the Ford Family decided to get greedy and hire this man…

Your coach: Matt Patricia. You can tell he’s smart because he has a pencil in his hair! HEY EGGHEAD, TELL ME THE SQUARE ROOT OF AVOGADRO’S NUMBER YOU FUCKING NERD. Anyway, the Lions hired Patricia without bothering to do any kind of cursory background check. SURPRISE!

On the evening of March 15, 1996, the woman told police that two men burst into the upscale hotel room where she was sleeping and took turns violently sexually assaulting her, according to court records and a news account at the time. They were arrested, charged and later indicted by a grand jury on one count of aggravated sexual assault — but they never stood trial and were not convicted. One of the indicted men was 21-year-old Matt Patricia

Oh. As so often with these cases, the official legal result of Patricia’s arrest doesn’t give a satisfying answer as to what exactly went down between him and the woman who had him arrested. The case was dismissed, but only because the woman refused to testify due to the fact that, understandably, she didn’t want to “face the pressures or stress of a trial,” so we can’t really know what happened for sure…

No wait, never mind. He TOTALLY did it. For real, though, the Lions should have known about this from the beginning, and Matt Patricia should have had a better plan for addressing it other than, “Fuck you for daring to ask me about this.”

I find it unfair and upsetting that someone would bring this claim up over two decades later for the sole purpose of hurting my family, my friends, and this organization with the intention of trying to damage my character and credibility.


Yep, that man has worked for the Patriots, all right. I wouldn’t have even needed to check his resumé. It’s all there: the lock-jawed grumpiness, the paranoia, the gross entitlement, the taciturn contempt for reporters simply doing their jobs. Gonna be a fun two-and-a-half years for you guys. Has trying to replicate the Pats model worked for ANY team, ever? Of course not. But that didn’t stop the Ford family from standing by Patricia, along with team President… [desperately trying to suppress my giggling] Rod Wood:


Are you kidding me? This guy looks like he covers up a sexual assault every HOUR. Michigan State just offered him a chancellorship. This state has done one hell of a heel turn over the past two years. Is there something in the water in that state? Oh right.

Your quarterback: It’s Andy Benoit’s favorite quarterback, Matt Stafford! It says a lot about the Lions that Matt Stafford is their greatest modern-era quarterback by FAR and yet they’ll never win dick with him. It’s not like Aaron Rodgers, where you can automatically pencil in 12 wins so long as he’s healthy. With Matt Stafford, you’re gonna get 4,500 passing yards and anywhere from six to ten wins, and that’s about it. He’s gonna make a billion dollars from football and NEVER win a playoff game. He won’t even come close to winning one. It’s inspiring, really. I bet when he retires, he and Kelly Stafford will build the ugliest house in Dallas.


Oh yeah, Tomi Stafford has TAKES. She’s definitely complained to her husband about seeing too many Asians in the Whole Foods parking lot. “They’re everywhere now, Matty Bear!”




Behind Stafford is Matt Cassel. You better hope you get Skinny Stafford this season and not Beer Gut Stafford.

What’s new that sucks: Time to bust out one of my favorite stats, which is that the Lions have not had a running back rush for over 100 yards since Thanksgiving 2013. It is the “KC went a whole year without a wideout scoring a touchdown” of rushing futility benchmarks, and I love it. It’s amazing because the Lions routinely draft capable run blockers, and yet they can’t get production out of the most fungible position in the sports. To break the curse, the Lions drafted Kerryon Johnson out of Aubrun and brought in LeGarrette Blount. LeGarrette Blount is only good on teams that win Super Bowls. You are not one of those teams. Eric Ebron was also finally set free into the wilderness. This team handles tight ends about as well as the Ford Motor Company handles sedan design.


Like Samer said, put a Lombardi Trophy in there and they’ll NEVER guess what it is.


What has always sucked: Congratulations, Detroit! You’re being revitalized! By Dan Gilbert!


OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. If there’s anything worse than living in a dying city, it’s living in a city poised to be “reinvented” by white collar conmen and D-list tech bros in raw denim jeans who couldn’t hack it in California. They’re colonizing Detroit like an incubating virus and propping it up like the alien in Men In Black that used Vincent D’Onofrio as a skin suit. These vultures have already done that thing where they reinvent the bus, and that failed. That will hardly be the last of their attempts to scavenge VC money from Detroit’s ashes. Now there’s one overpriced coffee shop downtown instead of zero. Congrats on being the new Williamsburg. I’ve seen urban revitalization projects like this before, and the only people they serve are wealthy suburbanites looking for a new place to get loaded when they drive into town once every two months.

The Michigan accent is like a preview of tinnitus. And the worst part is that people from Michigan refuse to acknowledge that they have one. “You guys that is NAAAAAAAT MY AAAAXENT!” Yes it is. Elsewhere in the state, the governor has literally killed people and belongs on Death Row. The lakeshore beaches are populated exclusively by rich Chicago assholes and weirdo Christian Republicans who wanted, like, John Kasich to be President. The Western side of the state is just Indiana in disguise. You people couldn’t even blow up the Silverdome without fucking it up. The Trump Unity Bridge guy is from Michigan. NO HIGHWAY PROJECT IN THAT STATE WILL EVER BE FINISHED.


Bo Schembechler was overrated.

What might not suck: THE COOTER!!!!! Matt Patricia is bound to alienate every player on the roster by Week 8, but at least he had to good sense to bring Jim Bob back. By law, Cooter should be forced to scream out YEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWW during the duration of any Stafford long ball.


Let’s remember a guy who sucked: This town is still traumatized by the Rogers-Williams-Williams run of first round picks, but what about Artose Pinner? Remember him? He wasn’t drafted it in the first round, but he definitely sucked. It’s those late-round draft whiffs that murder you. They’re like bites from a tiny, Zika-addled mosquito.

HEAR IT FROM LIONS FANS!

Arthur:

I emigrated from Ukraine to Detroit with my parents in 1991, in order to escape the oppressive, depressing, collapsing empire of the Soviet Union. Then we became Lions fans and felt like we were instantly back in the old country.


Kane:

My fiancé got me a Matt Prater jersey for Christmas because all she hears me say is he is the most dependable person on this team and never lets me down.


Stephen:

I hate the Lions the way a son hates his alcoholic father for never showing up to his Little League games, always promising this time will be better, yet finding new and devastating ways to disappoint.


Adam:

Fuck Matt Patricia with a firehose full of Flint water.

Christian:

These assholes haven’t won the division in my life, haven’t hosted a playoff game in my life and haven’t won a playoff game in my life.


Brian:

Last year, Blake fucking Bortles won more playoff games than this entire slapdick franchise has in the last 52 years. Hit Bull Win Steak: Stafford is 6-51 against teams with a winning record in his career.

Tim:

Fuck Patricia for allowing Nick Foles to carve up his defense in the Super Bowl. Sounds like he’s got an amazing start on being Lionized.


Nick:

Ford Field is in the only three safe blocks of Detroit. Matthew Stafford made $5 million more than Aaron Rodgers last year.


Henry:

Lions fans have our savior and he’s not good enough. It’s like if instead of walking on water Jesus was just a good swimmer.


Andrew:

Have I mentioned I am marrying a Packers fan? The wedding is at the end of September, I’d say we could end the engagement, but I’ve already paid the out-clause to break my apartment lease.


Ryan:

We’re the Tiffany Trump of the NFC North; we’re not even relevant enough to be Eric.


David:

We are perpetually the losing team in the background of a Madden mutant turkey pic.


Trey:

Our owner is Happy Gilmore’s grandma in a pair of sunglasses from Kylie Jenner. The new head contact rule will absolutely fuck them. Anthony Barr will probably ride in on a horse with a lance and fucking joust Matthew Stafford’s head off his shoulders and the result will be the loss of all remaining Detroit timeouts and a 10-second runoff.


Arthur:

We fired the best coach we’ve had in the 27 years I’ve been in this country for a #MeToo case who will get the full-throated support of this fan base cuz it’s owning the libs somehow.


Aaron:

The defensive coordinators in last year’s Super Bowl were our previous and incoming head coaches. The game set records for most total points allowed and total offense, and we hired the guy that lost.


Derek:

I live in Central Ohio (Columbus Area). I am surrounded by Browns and Bengals fans. When I tell people that I am a Lions fan, they all look at me like I have some uncurable disease where I need their pity. They are kind of right.


Ryan:

Why was anyone surprised that an organization that drafted and cultivated Titus Young couldn’t do a basic background check on their new head coach?


Nathan:

I was down in South Carolina for a conference and got talking with a Vikings fan. When I told her I’m a Lions fan she apologized, hugged me to her chest and told me everything was gong to be alright.


Joshua:

Reggie Bush was the last Lions player to rush for 1000 yards in 2013. Before that was Kevin Jones in 2004.


Walker:

We finally parted ways with Eric Ebron and our TE situation is somehow significantly worse.


Kiah:

This team humped DeAndre Levy’s (truly thoughtful, inspiring, and necessary) local activism all season long, then made him play on one leg, declared him healthy, then cut him.


Thad:

The Lions managed to sweep the Packers for the first time in over 25 years! Did Aaron Rogers play in either of those games? No he did not. Instead it was just a bunch of pigeons taped together in a Packers uniform.


Neil:

Part of me is really excited to see another New England Assistant to find out how in over their head they are as a HC.


Donovan:

My boi Wiley is a lifelong Detroit Lions fan. Wiley is the saddest fuck I know.

Jake:

I was devastated when the Chargers and Rams both moved to Los Angeles, it was my dream that the Lions would move and I could just be done with it all. It would have been glorious.


Jeff:

The Lions have been in the same division as the Bears, Packers and Vikings since the early 60s. Not one of those teams bothers to see them as a rival.


Patrick:

Our career coaching wins leader, Wayne Fontes, lost more games than he won.

Dale:

The current roster, top to bottom, might be the most talented Lions team in decades. It’s the 3rd-best team in the NFC North. In my parents’ lifetime, this team has one playoff win.

Ryan:

I used to wear that 0-16 season as a badge of honor. Now that the Browns have done it, I’m ashamed. Now we share that feat with the Browns. The goddamn Browns... Fuck.


Clint:

Every year I put $50 on the Lions to win the Super Bowl. It’s less of a bet and more of a burnt offering, a prayer to the gods. Anyway, last year the guy at the Vegas sports book who took my money smirked a bit when I told him what I wanted. Feeling sheepish, I said, “It has to happen sometime, right?” He handed back the ticket and said, “Not really.” Fuck that guy. He’s absolutely right, but fuck him anyway.

Heidi:

You know how I know this video is fake? There are far too many people In Meijer proudly sporting Lions gear, and no one in history has ever used the password “Lions Rule.”


Lucas:

I’m a Lions fan, mostly because of my soon-to-be father-in-law. He’s the nicest guy in the world, but when the Lions are playing (and sucking), I almost contemplate trying to wrap this ex-Marine up in a straitjacket.


Pete:

The most exciting thing to happen since last season was drafting a center that, like, three other teams wanted, and you’d have thought they drafted the mule that kicked field goals. The players who knelt during the National Anthem were roundly booed by people whose livelihood is thanks to the UAW. Ignorant, servile morons whose parents left the city in 1967 and complain about how lazy black people are, yet can’t seem to fix the vinyl siding on their shitty suburban house because they spent what little fucking money they have buying chili fries at Kid Rock’s new restaurant at a publicly-funded stadium the other billionaire bilked out of the city. Seriously, just Google “School conditions in Detroit” and set yourself on fire as you look at the fucking deplorable conditions children endure while going to school all so Rob and Tammy can cruise down Woodward Avenue in their 1964 Ford Falcon and talk about how great it was when Vernors Ginger Ale was a nickel.


DJC:

In 1990 my family agreed to raise a Yellow Lab through the first year of his life so he could then be trained as a seeing eye dog. His name was Zeke, he was awesome and I was 7 years old. We knew we would have to return him eventually— which sucked, but is what we signed up for. The day that we were to return him was January 5th, 1992. My mom wanted to soften the blow of losing our dog, so she got up early and went to JC Penney to buy Lions playoff tickets when they went on sale. We drove to Rochester and gave Zeke back to the people who would train him and get him to a blind person. It was gut wrenching even though we expected it… to just hand the dog you raised over to someone and drive away. That’s what we did and I cried and sobbed. Then we went to the Lions-Cowboys playoff game and it was glorious. Barry and the bunch stomped the Cowboys 38-6 and it felt great. Over the years I have come to the realization that if you want the Lions to do something good you have to sacrifice your best friend in the name of the Fords and the Football Gawds. Anything less and they will just Lions the shit out of you.


Lindsay:

The Lions took the two good things about the Lions - namely, no cheerleaders and no accused rapists on staff - and did away with them in the last two seasons. On top of that, when Cleveland went 0-16 I lost my favorite sports bar hot take - that the Lions going 0-16 was unique in its disgrace. The Super Bowl happens literally every year; therefore the Lions are more interesting than any common, quotidian Super Bowl-winning team. It is cold comfort that Cleveland (the only city Detroit can dunk on, in a municipal sense) went 0-16 in the Clevelandiest way possible. My partner, a man who typically appears to be of normal intelligence, yet who 2 years ago thought Anquan Boldin signaled the dawn of a new and actually good Detroit Lions, is just over the moon about LeGarrette Blount, who obviously and naturally would leave his first pads-on practice as a Lion with an unspecified injury.


Big JC:

Fuck this team with every fucking fiber of my being. I became a fan in 2003, and ever since then my fandom has grown exponentially while my depression while watching them reaches new, laughable levels each year. I have a tattoo of the team’s logo on my shoulder. I named my band after one of their players. I’m forced to defend my fandom every year to friends and family, to sane and rational people who see someone they care about turn into a ravenous putz every Sunday while watching this bumblefuck of a team find new ways to sink their season.


Joe:

In December 2013 I was living in Detroit’s Cass Corridor neighborhood, finishing my Master’s degree. That year the NFC North was up for grabs - the Lions (for maybe the only time) went undefeated in divisional play, and were coming off a 40-10 beatdown of the Packers on Thanksgiving. All they had to do was win one of their final *4* games to win the division for the first time ever, and host a playoff game for the first time since 1991. And so the Ravens - a team with nothing to play for - came to Detroit for Monday Night Football. I met some friends at 3rd Street Bar and it was standing room only, which I’d never experienced as a Lions fan. The entire place was buzzing all night - the 0-16 season wasn’t too far in the past, and sealing the division at home would have been a huge accomplishment. The game itself was thrilling - Matt Stafford hit Joe Fauria for the go-ahead touchdown to make it 16-14 with 2:00 left in the 4th. They botched the two-point conversion, but Baltimore hadn’t scored a touchdown all night, so spirits were high - everyone was ordering extra beers to celebrate with. So, of course, Baltimore gets to midfield and their kicker hits one of the longest field goals in NFL history as time ran out. I have never seen so many people leave a place so quickly and in total silence. Five minutes later, I was one of the only people in the bar. I ordered a shot of Jamo. The bartender gave it to me on the house. “Same old Lions,” he said. Of course, the Lions dropped the rest of their games and missed the playoffs.


Aaron:

This year, as I resume watching the Lions’ perpetual trudge to mediocrity, I cannot even curse Matt Millen along the way. With him being near death I have to consider the fact that Millen is an actual human being with feelings and family who care about him. Also, my fantasy team name has been “Die Matt Millen” for a decade, so I probably have to change that now. Thanks Lions.


Ryan:

We have two first round picks, two market-setting free agents, and a third round pick manning our offensive line, yet we still run the ball for no gain on every first down and third and short. Fun fact: TJ Lang was one of the least penalized players at guard when he played for that other team, yet when he put on a blue uniform, he suddenly led the team and was third in the league at his position in penalties.


Chris:

Being a Lions fan is all about “last time since...” lists. Last time since a 100-yard rusher. Last time since a playoff win. Last time since they won in Green Bay. Last time since my wife climaxed. It’s like the freaking Hydra: clear one milestone there’s at least twelve more to go! Michigan’s beautiful but eternally frustrating. Unless you want to be in Trump levels of poverty you either have to live in Grand Rapids (which makes Indianapolis look like Ti-fucking-juana) or Detroit (not as bad a people think but the “Detroit’s Making a Comeback!” narrative is just a little overstated). Rick Snyder is responsible for the poisoning of an entire city and he’s only the third worst governor we’ve ever had. Seriously look at this list: Snyder: FlintFlintFlintFlintFlint Jennifer Granholm: the Joey Harrington of Governors John Engler: “You can tell the judge where Larry Nassar touched you or you can have what’s inside this MYSTERY BOX.” The Michigan accent is like a Minnesotan and a Canadian got stuck in a teleporter accident. “OH BOY! WE NEED TO GET TO THE MEIJER AND GET SOME EYE-TALIAN DRESSING FOR MY SAAAAALAD.” At least we don’t lie about our state being hand-shaped, WISCONSIN.

Tim:

I spent a week last summer in a psychiatric hospital in Michigan. At one point the topic of the Lions came up in conversation, and the resident 60-something homeless man perked up and started talking about how much he loves watching Reggie Bush, and hoping he does well this year. This was sad on a few different levels, but in retrospect I wonder if adopting a similar kind of selective memory to filter out all the Lions part of following the Lions isn’t a smarter way to go about it than, y’know, following the Lions. Fuck our plus-size-Chad-ass coach.


Jamie:

For the last 52 Super Bowls, if the NFC (or pre-merger NFL) had just picked its representative at random, the Lions would have had a 97% chance of going at least once. Andre the Giant was still alive the last time they won a playoff game. Buddy Holly was still alive the last time they won a championship. All of humanity will be dead before they win another.


Lee:

A couple of years ago I had just moved to Baltimore from my home state of Michigan and decided to take my wife to a preseason game when the Lions were in town. We’d only lived in Baltimore for a week and I warned my wife as I dressed head to toe in Lions gear that the Ravens have a reputation and some of the heckling might be brutal. NOPE. Multiple people at the restaurant, on the walk to the game, and inside the stadium did come up to talk to me. But every single encounter went along these lines, “Oh wow, a Lions fan? I’m sorry, that is sad. You know one of these years you’ll probably beat the Packers and maybe even win a playoff game.” So that was humiliating. Then despite the Lions starters playing the entire first half and the Ravens starters playing the 1st quarter and change the Lions had exactly 1 stupid first down in the half. I’ve never been more mortified at a sporting event.


Dan:

I’m writing this to you on Monday September 25, 2017, almost 24 hours after the Lions lost to the Falcons in the most Lions way possible. I know you’re going to cover how it happened in your article, so I hope this is a fitting tribute. I was watching the game with a friend at his house. He’s not a big football fan, but he’ll watch if it’s on TV. We were casually watching the game, expecting the Lions to lose, and just covering some of the nuances of the game and the rule book. Level 1 At 1st and 30 after a holding penalty and offensive pass interference, I thought the Lions were cooked. This was a fitting Lions loss. They had created hope and a chance to win against a Super Bowl team. They were 2-0. But by also squandering opportunities and being inept on offense, they had justified a loss! In my head I’m saying, “This is how the Lions lose, I’ve seen this before!” So I tell my buddy, “This is a perfect way for the Lions to lose in Lions fashion.” Stafford then threw an interception in the end zone on 2nd and 30 to seal their fate. Hope 1 But wait...defensive holding away from the ball on a meaningless route? What? Now the Lions have been rescued from their 30 yard hole and given a first down? Holy shit. Maybe this year is different! Level 2 Oh shit, never mind. Stafford keeps throwing the ball to Eric “Can’t Catch” Ebron. THIS is now the fitting end to the Lions game. Now they’re losing in even more Lions fashion since they’re blowing a gift 1st down by throwing the ball at their second first-round-bust TE that can’t catch (See: Pettigrew, Brandon). The announcers politely call Ebron, “Not the most reliable pass catcher today.” Stafford is probably gonna be stripped sacked and injured to end the game. Hope 2 HOLY SHIT! Another penalty on Trufant? This time pass interference! In the end zone! Fuck me! The Lions have 1st and goal at the 1. Sure there’s only 19 seconds left, but that’s plenty of time for 4 shots as long as you don’t run the ball. The Lions might actually do this! Level 3 But wait...this is even a MORE Lions way to lose than Death By Ebron. How better to lose the game than by failing to score a TD from the 1? I’ve just seen the Lions do this to us twice in the last 2 minutes of game time. I’m not going to be fooled by you Lions. Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me for all of my 30 years on this earth, shame on me! I almost want Stafford to take a knee in acknowledgement of the greater powers at work conspiring against the Lions. Maybe by being pennant, we could gain some modicum of good karma this season or 30 years from now. Hope 3 JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST! Touchdown Tate! I mean, it’s close, but he’s fucking in there! Oh my gosh, the Lions did it! I start running through my head whether the Lions should kick the PAT to go up 3, or whether it’s worth it to try for the 2 point conversion and force the Falcons to score a TD. No, they should definitely kick the PAT and then squib kick it, there’s only 8 seconds left! Fuck me, the Lions are going to go to the Super Bowl! Level 4 ...There’s only 8 seconds left. Before the Lions are even done celebrating I turn to my buddy and say, “There’s only 8 seconds left and all scoring plays in the last 2 minutes are automatically reviewed! The Lions don’t have any timeouts! If this is overturned, 10 seconds will be run off the clock and the Lions will lose. Holy shit, this IS going to be how they lose. It’s the most Lions way to lose ever!” I can’t hide my excitement. I’ve been so conditioned by Lions losses, I’m actually titillated at the prospect of the Lions losing in such spectacular fashion. It’s almost like this rule, intended to prevent teams from stopping the clock at the end of the game, was designed for JUST this moment; designed for JUST these Lions. I see through you Lions! I’m like Neo in “The Matrix.” I’m seeing the code. All the numbers. Time is a flat circle. Catharsis The play is overturned. The Lions lose. A feeling of relief washes over me. I didn’t fall for it. The Lions lost in the most Lions way possible and I was witness and saw through it live. The feeling is borderline orgasmic. I pay minimal attention to the analysts who talk about how much “courage” it took to make that call at Ford Field. I hardly notice. I’m above it. I’m in a realm beyond time. “That’s very fitting,” I muse. This day, the Lions have given me a great gift. I will treasure this moment. You cannot hurt me anymore Lions. I feel no anger, I don’t raise my voice, I am at peace with the world.


ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER (NOTE: His final email):

DREW OLD FRIEND I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. AND A NOT INSIGNIFICANT PART OF THAT HAPPINESS IS ATTRIBUTABLE TO THE FACT THAT AFTER DECADES OF FUTILE FANDOM I JUST DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE LIONS ANYMORE. NOT A SINGLE SOLITARY FUCKING SHIT. MISSED THE PLAYOFFS? DON’T GIVE A SHIT. NEW COACH? DON’T GIVE A SHIT. DRAFT PICKS? REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT. HELL I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT *FOOTBALL* ANYMORE. NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE? FUCK ‘EM. FUCK ‘EM ALL. I’LL TAKE A LONG SIGHING PISS ON THE ASHES AND WALK AWAY WITH MY FIST IN THE AIR LIKE JOHN BENDER. MY CHICA IS THE SORT WHO CALLS IT “SPORTSBALL” AND A COUPLE SHORT YEARS AGO THIS WOULDVE DRIVEN ME INTO A RABID MOTHERFUCKING RAGE. BUT NO LONGER. NOW I REALIZE: IT’S EXACTLY WHAT I NEED. WHAT I’VE ALWAYS NEEDED. THIS CHICA? SHE IS NEVER GONNA WANNA GO TO A GAME. SHE’S NEVER GONNA SHOW UP WEARING A FUCKING JERSEY LIKE IT’S CUTE. SHE’S NEVER GONNA DRAG ME INTO SOME OFFICE FANTASY LEAGUE AND SHE’S NEVER GONNA FOMENT A BULLSHIT INTRARELATIONSHIP RIVALRY BY BEING A GREEN BAY FAN EVEN THOUGH SHE’S NEVER BEEN TO WISCONSIN IN HER FUCKING LIFE. NONE OF THAT HORSESHIT. INSTEAD WE WILL SPEND OUR AUTUMN SUNDAYS IN OBLIVIOUS JOY SIPPING SPICED PEAR GIN FIZZES WATCHING PEDRO ALMODOVAR MOVIES AND THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING BUT THOSE FUCKING LOSERS DICKING THE DOG DOWN AT FORD FIELD. BLISS. HEAVEN-SPUN MOTHERFUCKING BLISS. BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS DREW. I’M NEVER GOING BACK.


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