Fruit flies have clearly perfected the science of traveling through worm holes. #insecttimetravel #einsteinfruitflies — Jen Kehl (@jenkehl) July 19, 2013

Stupid fruit flies and their stupid worm holes. Just for once I’d like to smack my hands together and open them to find a squished sucker. — Jen Kehl (@jenkehl) July 29, 2013

8 fruit flies are poised on the brink of death.

8 fruit flies are trying to decide…

It smells so good – but Jimmy said he’d be right back – he didn’t come right back. But maybe he didn’t come back because it’s so amazing he doesn’t want to share. That’s it, I know it is!

Hey Frank! I’ll catch you later, I’m going in! This is going to be good! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hey Frank? Do you think we’ll ever see Big John again? Do ya Frank? Because ya see Frank, I’m starting to think maybe this place ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know it smells real good Frank, but the last time we found a place that smelled this good it was one big party. This doesn’t seem like a party Frank. This ain’t like no party I’ve ever been to.

That’s right Chuck, this Ain’t no Fruit Fly Party.

Since sometime back in mid-July I have been taunted by roaming fruit flies in my kitchen. I can usually find the cause of all the fruit fly-ed-ness and deal with it pretty quickly in my house. But this time I was stumped. There was no rotting fruit, all fruit was in the fridge. There was no rotting garbage because I – as all things house responsible – was taking out the trash. Yet there was a constant stream of fruit flies in the kitchen, leading me to believe that fruit flies, unlike us measly humans, had perfected the art of space travel.

Today I found the mothership. I should have known.

So I got home today, and the kid who was NEVER GOING TO WORK had made $2 at a lemonade stand to prove me wrong http://t.co/WKa36ONkU8 — Jen Kehl (@jenkehl) July 19, 2013

I have the most awesome babysitter ever. After 8 years of raising a boy, nothing makes me happier than pawning off the extroverted task of having a lemonade stand to someone younger, more creative and frankly – beholden to me. That being said, she isn’t the best housekeeper. Not that I expect her to clean my house. But I guess I assumed, when I saw the fairly expensive pewter pitcher I had gotten as a wedding gift and only used for special occasions sitting empty on my counter, that it was clean. Well, you know what they say about assumptions.

Shame on me for not putting that pitcher away, because today, 11 days after Lemonade Stand, I saw that pitcher sitting there on the counter and I knew I had finally discovered the invisible intergalactic landing pad they called home. 5 gagillion fruit flies were poised on the edge of the pitcher turned space station, and 5 gagillion more were resting comfortably on the pencil sharpener next to it. (yes I keep a pencil sharpener on my kitchen counter, I like my pencils sharp)

It was on. I googled How to Get Rid of Fruit Flies and kept coming up with these ridiculous answers. Put away all rotting fruit, duh. Cover all fruit, duh, Throw away garbage promptly, duh. Clean all surfaces anything sweet may have gotten on, DUH!

This was ridiculous. I remembered something about Killing Fruit Flies with Vinegar. So I googled that. Once again, ridiculous contraptions you make with jars, paper cones, vinegar, water, blah, blah, blah. I am nothing if not lazy. Just reading the directions made me tired. But I knew something, because I am not a friend of pesticides, I knew dish soap and bugs don’t mix. So I tried my own thing.

Here is the easiest recipe on How to Get Rid of Fruit Flies – ever.

1) Take a bowl – soup, cereal, what-have-you

2) Fill it at least a half-inch high with vinegar, I tried apple cider and balsamic. The apple cider worked much faster, but balsamic will do in a pinch. It must be sweet-smelling, so not white vinegar.

3) Put 3 drops of dish soap in it and mix it around.

4) Put it by where you see the fruit flies

Within 1 hour of making this ridiculously easy trap Jimmy, Fred, Frank, Joey and Big John were dead. Chuck was still kind of cautious, but he was walking towards the edge of the sweet-smelling soup and back again, I know it’s only a matter of time until he succumbs to the heady smell of sweet balsamic heaven.

Don’t bother with fancy schmancy labor intensive Fruit Fly Killing contraptions. Do this, it’s easy, it kills them dead. P.S. you need the dish soap, the weight of it makes them sink to the bottom, without it you’re just feeding your alien colony. P.P.S. You’re welcome.