Jaime Lannister is my favourite character from Game of Thrones. In episode 3 of season 1, he says to Cersei,”I’ll go to war with him if I have to… they can write a ballad about us, ‘The War for Cersei’s Cunt’!” And so, just for the love of Jaime, I tried my hand at it. Of course I couldn’t write a ballad because I don’t know what would happen to Cersei and therefore, to her cunt in the sixth season, but I did write a mildly funny poem about everything that the cunt has done so far.

Here it is:

Wet for a brother,

Wet for a king;

Cersei’s cunt

Was quite a thing.

Although claimed by Robert

And lusted by many,

The high-born cunt

Was only filled by Jaime.

It made Jaime crazy

And thus, Bran a cripple;

Oh how coldly it oozed

When Lancel was at her nipple.

And further the cunt

Waged a war fierce,

In which the Lion and the Wolf

Clawed at each other for years.

And yet the worse it did

Was when it squirted out,

The golden-haired Joffrey Baratheon

Whose parentage was a doubt.

And so the cunt

Which was Cersei’s weapon best,

Wrecked havoc in all the Seven Kingdoms

And kept the Crown at its behest.

And although the cunt’s sins

Made Cersei pay

She’ll have her revenge,

For that’s always been the cunt’s way.

And just like Jaime had dreamt,

Someday in the ballads they will sing

“Wet for a brother,

Cersei’s cunt was quite a thing!”