It’s a rough time to be a human right now. And with self-isolation seeming like it’ll be the norm for the foreseeable future, it’s so important to have a hobby to distract you from the ennui of a quarantined day-to-day. That’s why I’m begging, nay, pleading: In these trying times, please do not take my rat farm away!

It’s all I have.

I’m doing everything right to stave off this pandemic. I’m staying indoors, social distancing, and monitoring myself and those around me for any symptoms. I’ve started painting again. I’m doing Youtube fitness videos. I’m taking every step I can to stay sane while I’m staying away from our most vulnerable citizens. So it only seems fair that I get to keep the one thing, the single thing, that brings me joy in this dystopian nightmare that is the COVID-19 age: keeping my lil rat buddies happy on their own lil farm that they inhabit in my second bedroom. Please, just give me this! I’m not asking for much!

I’ve cooked every meal and drank every drink for the past week in the confines of my home. Am I getting sick of eating rice and beans? Sure. But I’m doing what I need to do to prevent the spread of this horrible disease. And also it’s giving me the opportunity to make tiny, adorable mini meals for the legion of rats on my rat farm that I’ve been clandestinely cultivating for years. Tonight, they’re having petite lil mahi mahi tacos, and I’m recording their lil feast. I have a whole Youtube channel of them eating the mini meals I make them, and honestly, I have a ton of subscribers. It’s become a huge source of my income. I’ll give you a link if you promise not to let the novel coronavirus be the reason why you deprive me of my rats. I love my rats.

I’ll do anything, please, just show some mercy and spare my rat farm!

Look, I’ve read all the articles, I understand the science. We’ve got to flatten the curve if we’re going to get ahead of this virus without massive, devastating casualties. That’s why I will do everything in my individual power to stop my personal spread of coronavirus. It’s what’s right for society as a whole. The only thing I ask from society is that it allows me to breed and raise my rats on my rat farm, which is actually becoming more of a rat ranch at this point because my sweet lil rodents have become self-sustaining and are getting pretty good at cheese making. In a time like this, please please allow me this one joy. Don’t let my rat farm become another casualty of this pandemic. Let me have my rats!