At TBS we want to know what love is...it sounds gross and sticky but we want you to show us.

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Science has recently discovered you are more attractive if you sit next to your uglier friends. Vast collective referencing of fictional detective heard.





Wow, science, wow. Alongside the words of Newton, Fermi and Oppenheimer, you can now list those of my mum. According to both of them, science and Mum, your attractiveness is apparently measured not by yourself, but rather who you walk with. In the (now historic) words of the woman that accidentally birthed me: “When you go nightclubbing, always sit next to your ugliest friend, you’ll bag the prime meat”. Honestly science, and I’m sorry, but what happened to you? How can you be so smart, and also be so stupid? This long-held idea of comparative beauty has painted relationships, built towering one night stands, and papier mâchéd the plot-holes of a thousand lousy teen films.

Move over, Kubrick. Bonus points for everyone who endured the entirety of that trailer. See me after class for a commiserative hug.

Now, the study itself (which I’m going to assume was performed by aesthetically pleasing, impossibly toned scientists – the type seen in video clips for dance anthems) has found that we rate higher to perfect strangers when we are sat adjacent to someone less physically blessed than ourselves, otherwise known as the modifier of BINTT (Blergh, I’m not taking them). In the words of the man who actioned the study, Dr Nicholas Furl (who sounds attractive), “Until now, it’s been understood that a person’s level of attractiveness is generally steady,” before adding, “If you saw a picture of George Clooney today, you would rate him as good-looking as you would tomorrow. However the more unattractive the distractor (minger), the more one of the targets was preferred over the other target, which suggests that divisive normalisation (lesser of two evils) influences social evaluations. I obtained the same result when I manipulated faces’ averageness and participants chose the most average face.”

Well, two things. Clooney will look debonair even after twelve months’ decomposition, and, double derp yousurereally?

via GIPHY

Dr Furl has stumbled across a truth that we all know, but perhaps have not bothered to voice in the public arena. For the benefit of the good doctor and those like him, just allow me to just come out and say it: No-one wants the ugly one.

Because, and let me to waffle here a smidge…attractiveness is not that much of a factor, you see, sexual conquest under disco light is not about the other person, it’s about the self. Whatever it meant in unfamiliar beds between the hours of 4-10am is instantly irrelevant, because you truly live on in the coming days, but you live on with a very specific label. Which one you were. They’ll say, all arriving at the same conclusion that you were the hottest one there. It could have been worse.

Not that I’m being pious. I’ve been both.

One more than the other.