Name: Greggs.

Birthplace: Gosforth, Tyneside.

Age: 67.

Appearance: Slovenly.

Hey! Greggs is a national institution, like David Attenborough or the Proms. In what way is Greggs like the Proms?

Oh, well, it’s cheap, and you know … Anyway, the point is that the greatest people on earth, the ordinary British public, love Greggs. Don’t spoil their fun. It is obesity that spoils their fun, not me. Besides, it is another national institution, the British army, that says Greggs lowers the tone.

Excuse me? How does Greggs lower the tone? Well, in a document about dress and discipline obtained by the Mail on Sunday, troops in the Royal Dragoon Guards, stationed at Catterick Garrison in North Yorkshire, were warned not to smoke or text in public. And “under no circumstances” should they “stand outside Greggs eating a pasty”, because it would “look unprofessional”.

How about a sausage roll? I think the ban applies to Greggs products in general.

Outrageous! Did we defeat Hitler only to surrender our basic freedom to eat baked goods? Hitler was largely defeated by the Soviet Union, a totalitarian police state where baked goods were often hard to come by.

Yes, but sometimes you need a VAT-exempt yum yum after a hard day. Marching while shouting burns a lot of energy. Maybe. But eating at Greggs might not show the highest commitment to physical excellence, lowering the esteem in which the army is held.

Doesn’t the army make you run up a hill every day at 4am, or something? It does impose regular fitness tests, it’s true, but in July, 8,662 army soldiers were revealed to be clinically obese. About 16% of all the members of the armed forces are at least overweight.

I’m sure it’s 90% muscle. Yeah. Maybe.

Why don’t the Dragoon Guards guys get a pasty at Greggs then slyly eat it outside Pret a Manger? Very cunning. I’m sure a few will try.

And they will succeed! Greggs defeated the pasty tax. We’ll defeat the army, too. Are you sure?

Absolutely. Their Scimitar light tanks will be no match for a legion of indignant gluttons. Let’s hope we never find out.

Do say: “Who do these people think they are, telling British soldiers what to do?”

Don’t say: “Their commanding officers. That’s how the army works.”