On behalf of the American people, today I step forward and extend my thanks to you. During your two terms in office, you've worked very hard to help the average American's life. I'd like to take a moment or two and specifically thank you for the following: * The stress of going to work for millions of Americans has been greatly relieved by your diligent efforts by sending all those terrible sources of income toChina. * Now that we have Homeland Security we can all sleep better knowing that when the doors of our homes are kicked in at night, it will be only for our protection and our own good. We trust you implicitly to do the right thing. * Millions of Americans, who have been stressed out for years by living the American Dream of owning a home, will no longer have these worries. Living in a car or RV is so much simpler, and far more comfortable. * The mice, ants, roaches and other pests brought on by having food in American cupboards and pantries has finally been brought under control. The New America you've given us has made that happen, by emptying pantries and cupboards all across America. Companies like D-Con, Rent-A-Kill and Orkin may have their very existence in peril with the lack of food. * Your 100 year war you have bestowed upon the American people and indeed, all of the western world to fight terrorism will provide jobs for all. All those children from your wonderful "No Child Left Behind" public school policy that are now graduating from high schools everywhere are unfit for college. But they will find food, shelter, training and employment under the loving organization of Homeland Security. * You have shown us you must be a God, for you could see the first plane crashing into the World Trade Center which was never televised. You were so humble that you didn't want to admit you could see it without the aid of television, so you stated you saw it on television. * We all thank you for your gift of the Patriot Act. Since the 1200+ page document was all ready to sign the same week as 9-11, clearly you have the gift of foresight and had it all ready ahead of time. You saw that terrible evil coming on 9-11, but you didn't stop it because all those deaths were good forAmerica. * Your quiet, diligent work to take down America's borders by leaving them effectively undefended to allow millions of illegal aliens to enter America and burden her down in her time of need, is a love for America beyond compare. * We all understand even another way you show us love, by the special protections you give to corporations like Blackwater that help destroy America's reputation. We realize that it's for our own good. * We're all so sorry that those six nuclear weapons that reached Barksdale, Louisiana last year (the logistics staging airbase for the mid-east war) were stopped by those annoying patriotic Americans. They should have been allowed to proceed to destroy Iran and officially start WW3. After all, you know what's best for America. * All Americans everywhere want to join together and thank you for the highest fuel prices in the history of the planet. It took you considerable hard work and the courage to give away all the Iraqi oil to foreign corporations that many thousands of American soldiers died for, to make this gift become a reality. Because of this wonderful gift, millions of Americans will no be troubled by making vacation plans. And they will not have to endure all that stress relief that goes with a nice vacation. * We all want to extend a special thank you for staging not one war, but two wars without any means to pay for them. Foolish people on Capitol Hill during WW2 wasted so much time selling war bonds to pay for that war. Perhaps by the end of 2008, you can get a third front started for us to enjoy with no possible way to pay for it. * Millions of homeowners everywhere are so grateful that you have pulled funding from minor projects like rebuilding America's aging infrastructure. Cities and towns everywhere have created tremendous tax increases, and homeowners everywhere are so happy about it they have used garage and yard sales to display and celebrate their gratitude for taxes they cannot afford. * We're all grateful for you not working too hard to find your arch enemy and supposed architect of 9-11, Bin Laden. We understand your need for him, and that finding him would end all justification for the mid-east conflict. No one wants to let the air out of your war tires. * There all are those careers you've so graciously destroyed in the military to protect yourself. These patriotic men and women have no business upholding the Constitution like they have, despite their oath when each was sworn in at the induction center. Their allegiance must be to you, not the Constitution. You have stated to us that the Constitution is "just a God-Da..d piece of paper" and this is how we know that you are where everyone's faith must be centered. * Surely there are many more gifts you've given America, and we're terribly sorry if we have omitted them. And we're all sure, that the coming atrocities you'll bestow upon us and the world before you leave office will be for the good of America, and the entire world. In closing, I'd like to say that destroying America with a carefully crafted plan is a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. Certainly, you make Mike Rowe proud. But I don't think he'd be able to do your dirty job in a short segment on his cable show, "Dirty Jobs." Ted Twietmeyer tedtw@frontiernet.net