How many of you feel hopeless during specific situations of your life? I guess that is a stupid question. No matter how old you are, what ethnicity, race, creed, color, etc., no one is immune to feeling vulnerable. Everyone, at some point, feels that way for many reasons.

A diagnosis of cancer is one of the most prominent reasons to feel hopeless. My heart breaks when I see the faces and hear the words of parents watching their children suffer.

When my doctors admitted me to Sloan Kettering, that first night lying in my hospital bed was one of the most desperate feelings I ever experienced. I was just 16 at the time. I remember being wheeled into my hospital room and seeing all of these children with bald heads and IV lines running out of them. I never felt such fear.





From page 30 of "My Scars Tell A Story"





"My first night in the hospital was spent crying and carrying on. My mom stayed with me that night and tried to comfort me, but I was a complete wreck. It's hard to explain the feelings I had that night, but they definitely were feelings that I never experienced before. It was like I couldn't look forward to anything. No matter what was going on in my life, it didn't matter because I now had cancer. There was no next year, next month, there wasn't even the next day. Everything had to be taken not minute by minute, but second by second. That night was probably the worst night of my life. I had no idea how I managed to get any sleep. I cried out all night to God, begging for him to have mercy on me and save me from my sickness. I made a lot of promises to God and my mother, hoping I would get the chance to live them out."





How many of you struggle with the same thoughts? What situations, other than cancer, can cause such fear and anxiety?

Tonight, October 7th, 2019, I am leading the first night of a support group for cancer. My trepidation is extreme since I know how sensitive a topic this is. I rarely suffer from stage fright anymore, but I admit I'm anxious about letting anyone down.

In the last few days, I have thought often about how delicate I need to be in understanding the emotions that will be shared. I wonder what impression they will have of me and my co-leader. Hope, for the first time, has a different meaning when combined with cancer now.