You're all smart people, I'm sure. You know that movies might not always be entirely realistic. That jumping away from explosions is only good for dying a little farther away from that explosion. You get that hacking in movies isn't always portrayed that realistically. It's not all rapid typing and leather pants and kick flips. You get that.

But no, you don't get that at all. Hacking still sounds pretty cool doesn't it? Even without the leather pants -- even with no pants at all -- holy shit, busting into someone's computer? How badass is that? Stealing passwords and credit card numbers and NOC lists, using nothing more than your brain? That's cool as fuck! Even if hackers can't do everything they can in the movies, (and holy shit, yes they can!) making a computer dance like a puppet is pretty cool.



"Man, I wish I could get porn on this thing."

I'm here to tell you that's not the case.

How do I know? You might not be able to tell by the prestigious dong-joke-writing career I have now, but I used to be a pretty big nerd, specifically of the computer variety. I have, by most definitions of the word, actually hacked things. I certainly don't claim to be an expert; I know just enough to know how much I suck. (Truthfully, my only real hacking experience was the time in the late '90s when I won a series of dance contests under suspicious circumstances.)