Posted by Andy, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS





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Oh how they sing. Oh how they dance. You gave it as a gift, not knowing any better. Or someone else gave it to your kid, not knowing that it could ultimately make you want to stab pens in your ears or kill yourself. But whatever you do, don’t do these things! There is another way…

Sometimes toy murder is necessary. Let’s give our consciences a lollipop though and call it something else, “murder” is such a harsh word. Something like: electronic toy euthanasia. Or better yet, “assisted malfunction.” Paging Dr. Toyvorkian!

I’ve included some higher-risk emergency methods, just in case. However, bear in mind that “accidents” are risky because they’re caused by people, and people happen to be things that kids can point fingers at. Tiny, quivering, accusatory fingers. A real jury is nothing compared to the guilt lasers that shoot out of your kid’s big, watery eyes of misery and betrayal. Better for it to look like a natural toy death. No one to blame! And your child could also be a lot less likely to want another one since the last one “broke.”

I know what you’re thinking. Deceiving your kids is generally not a good way to parent, but sometimes you have to choose between the lesser of two evils: A) deception, or B) high-strung parenting brought about by musical and animatronic torture, accompanied by restless sing-songy nightmares. Your choice.

And remember, despite how amazing the Toy Story films are, toys are not actually alive. Relax, take a deep breath, and grab a hammer.

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In other toy-related news…

The Ways Toys Can Suck for a Parent

Know thy enemy.

Toys Make You a Singing Psycho

Apparently the topic of insanity-inducing toys it trending right now in the social network of my home.

New Hazard Signs for Parents

Sort of toy related. Maybe only 10-20%, sure, but that’s something!

