episode iii, the backstroke of the west redux

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a couple of years ago when i was living in shanghai i bought a revenge of the sith dvd off the street. it came with hilariously mangled subtitles that ranged from somewhat close to what the actors were saying to far, far away....i've been meaning to update the blog post I wrote ages ago to add in more scenes and upgrade the quality of the photos (they were digital camera pics and in some pics you can see my old tv) but of course you know how it goes- one never has the time so now that it's chinese new year and i have a few days off work, i finally present to you as a new year's present...the dvd menu looks pretty normal, aside from a rather evil-looking yoda.to experience backstroke of the west one has to go to the subtitle menu and select 'englsih'.the beginning scroll is mistranslated, even though the words are right up there on the screen.star war (just one).yup.click play to see the full intro scroll.anakin: "this is where the fun begins"anonymous doomed fighter pilot: "they're all over me!"obi-wan, space battle strategist.the battle was going well until the disgusting thing showed up.obi-wan really hates that disgusting thing.obi-wan teaches r2 how to beat the disgusting thing.a quick pause in the caption commentary. for a while i couldn't figure out how the captions got so mangled- i thought maybe it was done by computer, but in some cases like this one the captions make sense but have no relation to what is going on. general grevious is actually saying, "just as count dooku predicted"......and here anakin says, "destroyers!" (meaning destroyer droids ). after watching the movie again i figured out that a chinese pirate had originally tried to listen to the movie in english and wrote in chinese what he thought he heard- this was then translated back by machine into english. so in this case mr. pirate heard 'destroy' and thought anakin was talking about destroying the droids......and the best part of it all is that some stuff is completely made up, like in this case the droids in the elevator are just mumbling but mr. pirate decided to make something up about not pushing (which is extra-funny if you've ever lived in china!). so a random pirate in china decided on the fly that not only could he translate but he couldon lucas's script. brilliant stuff, and this explains a lot of the seemingly random things.anyway, back to the movie.obi-wan grows impatient with r2.the chancellor warns obi-wan and anakin that count dooku is... big.obi-wan explains that it's no problem.count dooku doesn't like anakin.count dooku really doesn't like anakin.chancellor palpatine explains something to anakin about obi-wan.general grievous receives some bad news.the general considers how he should punish his troops."anakin skywalker"anakin taunts general grievous.the general fires off a snappy comeback.grievous orders his troops to turn anakin and obi-wan into filet-o-fishes.yes, that's right, crispy golden brown batter!!!a random hair styling tip?the translator liked elephants.he liked elephants a lot.oh no, anything but that!we gonna rock down to, lemon avenue.anakin is fed up with politicseses.anakin: "that's wonderful" (in reply to padme saying she is pregnant)padme the homemaker.hallelujah!yoda: "premonitions? premonitions?"that sounds like something yoda might actually say.anakin is haunted by dreamses.the elephant needs anakin. um, yeah.troopseses!obi-wan asks anakin to spy on the chancellor while he does certain activities.the chancellor explains to anakin that darth plagueis was strong and big.and he became even stronger and bigger.but he wasn't big or strong enough to stop himself from being killed by... land... so he could go to bed... yep.anakin delivers some good news to obi-wan.but obi-wan explains that anakin is allah gold and therefore there's a problem with him being part of the presbyterian church."may the force be with you"obi-wan asks for directions.anakin starts to fall out with the presbyterian church.how romantic.tion medon: "what brings you to our remote sanctuary?"tion medon: "on the tenth level, thousands of battledroids"obi-wan: "hello there!"grievous tells his troops to back off, he'll take care of obi wan.... but is it big?the chancellor delivers anakin some bad news.me am a civilization person too!"i think chancellor palpatine is a sith lord."mace windu reads the chancellor his rights.palpatine: "no... no... no..."palpatine: "unlimited... power!"anakin bargains for the life of his cuckoldry palpatine: "darth vader"the emporer tells anakin... umm... something.anakin: "i agree."ok- the bottom convenientlyyoda: "goodbye chewbacca."c3po tells the amorous couple to get a room.padme: "no thank you, c3po."obi-wan: "who could have done this?"the emporer announces that he's going on workers' comp leave.did he change it to, 'password'?palpatine to anakin: "you have done well, my apprentice"obi-wan tells yoda that anakin is like his brother... and an elephant too.the dark side is gobbling.padme: "3po will look after me."how about a snickers?padme confronts anakin- he has been sleeping around!umm... uhh... what affair. that wasn't me. i barely know that girl.anakin tells padme to forget the girl, because he is now both strongbig.in fact anakin is positively huge and herculean.padme doesn't want big and strong. she also doesn't want to walk on a road meant for running about.lier!!!padme: "no!!!"obi-wan has heard enough.yoda pays a not-so-friendly visit to palpatine's office.this doesn't really have anything to do with backstroke of the west, but i love the way he walked into the room.palpatine has a pet name for yoda.palpatine now reveals his true ambitions- to be the biggest and strongest!that's just too much for yoda- he's heading for tijuana.meanwhile anakin taunts obi-wan......but obi-wan stands on higher ground......and proclaims his love "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............!!!!!"