Take a stroll with me and family, as we peruse downtown Monterey and all of its wonders. And by wonders, I’m referring to the 2.3 candy stores they have per block there. I’m pretty sure it’s a city mandate, because it’s insane. I’m not complaining, but….I AM complaining because dammit, they’re all the same. Like this one:

I have to give it up to Candy Row actually, it was the cutest/most nostalgic/and therefore most expensive of the bunch. Of course this is where we popped in to buy Jonny Jr. a treat. Because why should a Candy Guru who has pounds of candy sitting around his house use any of that for feeding his son’s cake hole? Exactly. They shouldn’t, they should feed the American machine of commerce, so that’s what we did. While me & the Mrs. were hoping he would fill up a bag of ye olde fashioned root beer barrels, or perhaps grab some Pez, he of course, went for something new. These to be exact:

Look how excited he looks! Warheads Sour Coolers: sour tarts with cooling crystals. I could smell a fraud before he opened the pack, but we were on vacation, so I humored the little bastard. A closer look:

Did ya get that close look? At the price perhaps? THREE DOLLARS. Three friggin’ dollars for something that should cost one. AMERICA BABY, YEAH! Predictably, in the vein of breath mints from the 80’s, they looked like this:

And here’s the best part: they taste like SHIT. Beyond bad. Not like, the cooling doesn’t work, or they’re too sour, or anything like that. They have a distinct off artificial note that just doesn’t taste good at all. Jr. had 2, I had one, and the Mrs. had one, and then…they went in the trash.

I have a few questions for the fine folks at Warheads: why do sour candies need “cooling” exactly? They’re not hot. They’re not spicy. It’s a combination that makes no sense, and that’s lame.

That’s actually the only question I had. I’ve wasted enough time on this drivel. Avoid.