EVERYONE is freaking out about their immune system, it has emerged.

As the temperature plummets and virus host-organisms crowd onto public transport, people are buying anything that says ‘immune system’ on the packaging.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve got lots of pills and liquids. They have pictures on the boxes that mean science.

“This year’s products also include ‘immune system-boosting’ cigarettes. Apparently if I smoke five in the morning and ten in the evening after meals I won’t get a cold.

“My other top buys are an ‘immune system-recharging’ hat, some ‘immune system-protecting’ bicycle clips and a t-shirt that simply says ‘immune system’ on it.

“My immune system is literally unstoppable, any viruses come near my body and it’s going to rip their throats out like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The human immune system doesn’t actually exist, it was invented in 1978 to sell cough sweets. It’s actually all pot luck.

“But I’ve still bought an ‘immune system-safeguarding’ used double-decker bus.

“Because even if my immune system isn’t real, paranoia is.”