Houston, TX

Everything’s bigger in Texas, so they say. They also say “Don’t Mess With Texas®” which was an anti-littering campaign in the 80s(?) and these houses definitely qualify as littering so technically I’m not messing with Texas®.



To say that this house is a mess would be an understatement, and, if you’ve been reading this blog for the last couple of weeks, you’ll know why immediately.



This illustrious house, built in 2007 boasting 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms is currently for sale for $1,498,000 despite the fact that it looks like it was made for, maybe, like, $8.

As always, we first admire the dramatic waste of space that is the 2-story foyer.

But wait!

Seriously, nothing infuriates me more than a turret not being used to its full potential. Texas is all about gun rights but what about turret rights?

The Dining Room (no. 1)

Ok so I’m always worried by people with giant mirrors in their houses (past 1989)- why are they looking at themselves so much? Why would you ever look at yourself while you eat? Seriously, there is nothing less flattering that scarfing down ten helpings of stuffing on Thanksgiving while your family members try to pretend they don’t know you.

The Living Room (No. 1)

Seriously who nails their curtains to the wall? You can’t even close those curtains. I guess it’s a metaphor for how privacy is an illusion in this digital age? Anyone?

Ok, but still think about security. Someone could just look inside that house and possibly punch through that window and steal all of that booze. Not that I would, but I’m just saying someone could.

The Kitchen

Was the Enron joke too dated?

Dining Room (No. 2)

Ohh home on the range where the kids and the heating bill play

Living Room (No. 2)

DID I MENTION TEXAS

Master Bedroom

The only people who nail their curtains to the wall are college students and in that situation, they’re not even curtains they’re bedsheets.

Master Bathroom

Does anyone ever actually use their garden tub? My parent’s never did because we ran out of hot water before the damn thing even got halfway full.

Bathroom #2

Seriously is that not the saddest tub in existence? It breaks my heart just looking at it - trapped forever in its beige hell.

The Rec Room

Gotta have all those “boy things” in the rec room or otherwise people might think you’re a homosexual or something horrible like that.

Media Room (Epilepsy Warning)

This room looks like the WalMart version of that weird room in Twin Peaks. Let’s not even mention the indoor basketball court.

Finally, we come to the rear exterior, the most revealing part of any McMansion.

Feast your eyes on this sad, vacant, empty thing:

I hope you enjoyed this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion. Keep an eye out for tomorrow’s Mansion vs McMansion (Part 2) and Sunday’s McMansions 101: Windows and Doors.

Copyright Disclaimer: These images are modified screenshots from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.

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