God, it’s only my third blog and I’ve already succumbed to clickbait. I’m a horrible, horrible person.

Ok I’m over it.

Anyway, this isn’t really a top 10 rhymes in musical theatre list. In fact, some of these are pretty shit. But they’re my favourite rhymes, and that’s all that really matters. Also, they’re in no particular order, except the last one which is the best one, because I want you to read to the end. I mean you could just scroll to the bottom and see it. But you won’t because, um… please?

Let’s get straight on with the list:

First, a couple of honourable mentions:

Zero to Hero – Hercules (Alan Menken and David Zippel)

Who put the glad in gladiator? (Herculeeeees) Whose daring deeds are great theatre (Herculeeeees)

A lot of the entries in this list are pairs of words that don’t really rhyme, but the lyricist has shoved them in anyway. I picture it like one of those kids toys with the shapes and they’re trying to put the triangle in the circle and it’s just not going in but they keep trying and trying and eventually they force it through the hole even though it really shouldn’t have gone there. I love lyrics like this. I don’t know why, I just find them hilarious. Rhyming ‘gladiator,’ and, ‘theatre,’ (or ‘the-ay-tre’ in this case) is just like putting the triangle in the circle. It really doesn’t rhyme, but fuck it it’s going there anyway. The only reason this is an honourable mention instead of being on the list is that Hercules is a film, and has never been a stage musical. Yet.

Nobody Cares – Groundhog Day (Tim Minchin)

I wake up hungover I go to bed smashed Like an alcoholic hamster On one of them little wheely things

You may have noticed none of this rhymes. That’s why it’s not on the list. It probably should have been a rhyme here, but the character’s a drunk hillbilly who can’t be bothered, so it makes sense he doesn’t even try. This is like if the kid saw the toy with the shapes, picked up the triangle, then went and played on his iPad.

Now, the list:

1. Wonderful – Wicked (Stephen Schwartz)

There are precious few at ease With moral ambiguities

I love creative rhymes. Everything on this list is on there because it’s unique, and it stands out. Schwartz could easily have chosen to rhyme ‘ease’ with ‘please’ or ‘tease’ or ‘knees’ or any other easier word. On the other hand, if he was looking for a rhyme with ‘ambiguities,’ he could have just ended the line with ‘ease’ and that’s good enough. But he rhymes three whole syllables instead, rhyming ‘few at ease’ with ‘u-i-ties.’ It’s a brilliant, creative example of going above and beyond with rhyming.

2. So Long, Farewell – The Sound of Music (Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein)

Adieu, Adieu To yeu and yeu and yeu

This is another triangle in a circle example. To be fair to Hammerstein, there isn’t much that rhymes with ‘Adieu.’ So he took a half-rhyme and ran with it. And it’s brilliant. It’s just silly really. Any serious list of rhymes would avoid stupid rhymes like this at all costs. Fortunately, this isn’t a serious list.

3. Prologue – Into the Woods (Stephen Sondheim)

We’ve no time to sit and dither While our withers wither with her

You could easily make a whole list of best rhymes just out of Sondheim lyrics. He has always been the undisputed master of clever lyrics. I’ve limited it to just one Sondheim rhyme (or, Sond-rhyme, if you will) for this list, and this is what I went for. Ok, so the actual rhyme isn’t that great; ‘Dither’ and ‘with her’ is a nice clever rhyme, but there are far better ones out there. But the rest of the line is so clever, I just had to include it on this list.

4. My Shot – Hamilton (Lin-Manuel Miranda)

I dream of life without the monarchy The unrest in France will lead to onarchy

Probably the most unique rhyme on this list. Only Lin could think to rhyme something with a mispronunciation because the character is foreign. Most of the time when writing characters with accents, the lyricists focus on the consonants. Look at Christmas Eve from Avenue Q. Lopez and Marx wrote a whole song called “The More You Ruv Someone” (which is also bloody brilliant), and made lots of jokes about the consonants, but not about the vowels. Lin, on the other hand, uses Lafayette’s French mispronunciation of ‘anarchy’ for a rhyme that no one else would ever think of.

5. Right Hand Man – Hamilton (Lin-Manuel Miranda)

Now I’m the model of a modern major general The venerated Virginian veteran whose men are all…

Hey, I love Hamilton. Shocker. In a similar vein to the one from “Wonderful,” this is a rhyme that goes above and beyond. It rhymes a three-syllable word with three one-syllable words, rather than just rhyming the last syllable. Also, this rhyme has a story behind it. I’m sure everyone recognises ‘modern major general’ as a line from “Major-General’s Song” from G&S’s The Pirates of Penzance. Lin, with utmost respect to his predecessors, listened to them rhyme ‘general,’ with ‘mineral,’ and though to himself, that’s shit. He thought he could do better, and he proved it. To rub salt in the wound, he even used the same consonants, and just changed the vowels and added some spaces. Bastard.

6. Knights of the Round Table – Spamalot (Eric Idle)

We’re knights of the round table Our shows are formidable But many times We’re given rhymes That are quite unsingable

I am an unapologetic Monty Python fanatic. I must have seen Spamalot at least 10 times, and Holy Grail more times than I can count (although Life of Brian is still my favourite). Eric Idle, as the musician of the group, wrote such wonderful tunes as, “Sit On My Face,” “Every Sperm is Sacred,” and of course, “The Lumberjack Song.” And Spamalot is just as irreverent and hysterical. This line isn’t crude or surprising, it’s just silly. It’s like if that kid with the toy took the triangle, the square and the star and tried to shove them all in the circle-hole. That sounds far more inappropriate than intended. Either way, none of this really rhymes, but that’s a minor obstacle for a Python.

7. Under the Sea – The Little Mermaid (Alan Menken and Howard Ashman)

Under the sea Under the sea Nobody beat us Fry us and eat us In fricassee

How many people would ever use ‘fricassee’ in a rhyme? There are so many other choices that rhyme with ‘sea,’ why use ‘fricassee’? Of course Menken did have to rhyme with ‘sea’ lots of times in one song, but I don’t think ‘fricassee’ would even be in the first 20 I thought of. Just ridiculous. And brilliant.

8. Sunday Morning Fever – Sister Act (Alan Menken and Glenn Slater)

Fill the church Pass the plate Everybody transubstantiate

How many people would ever use ‘transubstantiate’ in a rhyme? There are so many other choices… you get the picture. It was a close choice between this and, ‘Genuflect, give God his due respect.’ I just like picturing Menken sitting with a priest, asking for every Christian word for him to rhyme. Menken and the Priests is a good name for a band. Or a sitcom.

9. I Am Africa – The Book of Mormon (Robert Lopez, Trey Parker, Matt Stone)

We are Africa Let us smile and laugh-rica

I like silly rhymes, I’m sorry. This isn’t even close to a rhyme, I just love it.

10. Bruce – Matilda (Tim Minchin)

You produce, Bruce Fantastically enthusiastic gastric juice

This is just such a clever line. It’s a double triple rhyme; there’s the ‘produce/Bruce/juice’ rhyme, and the ‘fantastically/enthusiastic/gastric’ rhyme. Tim Minchin is too smart, it’s not fair. There are also some brilliant rhymes in “Miracle,” and if this was just a list of cleverest lyrics, all of “School Song” would be up there with the best of them. But in terms of pure genius rhyming, this is without a doubt the best, and tops my list.

So there’s my list of the best rhymes in musical theatre. I just want to reiterate that this list is basically arbitrary. I know the title says it’s a top 10 list. I lied. I’m sorry. It’s just rhymes I really like, with no criteria whatsoever really. So please don’t ask my why a certain line didn’t make the list. I don’t know why. I don’t know anything.

But I do want to hear about other brilliant lines and rhymes. Comment below letting me know how fucking stupid I am for not including your favourite line on this list. Or, preferably, comment with some other rhymes that might have slipped my mind perchance, and could potentially compete with the entrants on this list. That sounds much more pleasant.

JG