LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress, the color and drape and feel of which would have given her the self-assurance to ascend the social hierarchy at work, captivate the eye of a talent agent, and usher her into a brilliant stratum of fame and luxury, which she would navigate with humor and aplomb until a chance meeting aboard the yacht in the Monaco marina when her true soulmate would have swept her off her feet. “It’s pretty enough, but a little pricey. I guess don’t really need a new dress [to transform life as I know it in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine, becoming so synonymous with my ascendant fame that it becomes known as ‘The McNaughton Dress,’ imitated but never equalled by women worldwide and eventually rendered in marble by the greatest artist of the age as he weeps while sculpting the statue for my Parisian tomb, where inspired women will lay flowers until the end of time].” McNaughton settled on a $15 cheaper chambray blouse that will be instrumental in her meeting an insurance adjuster she will date on and off for 14 lackluster months.

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