Cliffe Celebrates CS's Birthday Counter-Strike's project leader, Cliffe, announced he would celebrate the one year anniversary of Counter-Strike with "something special." Clad only in his special saucony runners, Cliffe emblazoned a trail across the United States, promising to "spread the good word" of Counter-Strike. "No one wants to read pages and pages of crap about the history of this mod. Instead, people want to see the man behind it all, and that's what I'm giving to them." Cliffe stated. "They want to see me, no holds barred, baring the truth behind CS." World Tourney Suddenly Ends Yesterday, the nail-biting deciding match between Clan Killers 3 [CK3] and the Unitary Guerilla Platoon [UGP] skidded to an abrupt halt over a huge Beta 6.5 error that could have cost either team the win. Sources claim the error lies in the sprite for the newly-implemented smoke grenade. As the deciding round of the 16-16 match began, [UGP] leader SkittZ bought a "SG Grenade" and then stated, "Hold up, there's no way we can finish this game." The rest of the server was in awe as he explained the reason behind the immediate halt: "..so you see, the sprite would read "Smoke Grenade Grenade," and I just can't bear to think that I'm throwing one of those at my enemies." Lead Counter-Strike developer Gooseman claimed the error was "due to the morons in the art department." Weavers House For Sale The proud owners of the beautful 2-story house in cs_militia, the Weavers, have decided to put it on the market. The Weavers said that it was due to the terrorists overtaking it and the fact that the house had only one bathroom in it. "We're sick of all the fighting going on," Mrs. Weaver said, "and we're damn tired of not being able to get to our house because of those damn fluffy parka wearing morons running around carrying AK-47s. I think one of those bastards goes by the name of 'Arctic Joe' or something." The Weavers' home has a lovely view of the surrounding area, including a spacious backyard. It also features one bathroom, one bedroom, and a huge wet bar on the bottom floor, stocked with two taps of Beck's beer. "Heh, I installed that thing right when we moved in. It's great to sip a cold, frosty brew while you're watching the kids play with guns at the shooting range behind the house. Oh, and about that little mess in the toilet in the bathroom upstairs: those [expletive] terrorists caught me by surprise while I was on the crapper. Sorry I didn't flush." The Weavers' home also features a garage, a trap-door hottub, skylights galore, and an underground sewer system. Mrs. Weaver said that the garage door never opened, even though they had a car in it. Mrs. Weaver then exclaimed, "The kids'll have a blast here! There's a computer upstairs to surf for porn on, a ladder to the roof for them to play and fall off of, and a lovely shooting range in the back. We loved this house!" New Map Announced - as_ream Lube, a newcomer into the Counter-Strike mapping scene, has been hard at work pumping in and out of Worldcraft to create the newest in the line of Assassination maps, as_ream. "I'm going to thrust a whole new method of Counter-Strike gameplay into the community with my unique blend of textures and architecture," Lube commented. "My map includes many tight, curvy spaces," Lube remarked, "but it includes a long, wide shaft at the end, ramming the two sides together in a sticky mess of action. This map will just probe you when you see it!" But what is most remarkable about this new map is not the artistic side, but the new "reversed assassination" mode of gameplay. The new "mounting" scenario, as it has been called, promisies to give players many long, hard hours of pumping action. This method of gameplay will be centered around a team of terrorists running around trying to - you guessed it - catch themselves a big, sweaty CT. "I decided to remove all the weapons to make the game flow a bit more smoothly," Lube said. "Now instead of the standard even-team gameplay, it's a 'one-man-against-all' mode! Now the sole CT must reach the escape point before the Terrorists get a firm grip on him! I'm definitely putting the 'ass' back into assassination, you might say!" After playing a test round as the CT, famed alias maker Lestat exclaimed proudly, "I'm moist with anticipation of this big boy!" We asked Gooseman, project leader of Counter-Strike, to include this new map into the GameBoy port (beta 7). He quickly replied, "We will be including this map maybe...never. The GameBoy's processing speed is just too much for it." Unfortunately, several clans have threatened to disban because of this new map. A [CK3] member, linenoise, told CSNE that if this map were released, he would systematically pull every strand of hair from his body, soil himself repeatedly, and then devote his life to "hax0ring" Lube's computer. Lube promised to overcome those who were against as_ream. "I don't know why those dedicated CS players are so vehemently opposed to my work," Lube said. "I mean, it's not like I'm trying to shove something long and hard down their throats with this new gameplay." "I really wish they'd appreciate the sweaty hours I've put into smoothing and stroking the rough parts of this map. Sometimes I'd just spew out my anger all over the place, but now I've wiped my act clean and moved on to make a better map." Look for as_ream in the near future, followed up by as_cheeks, Lube's next slick mapping adventure! Search Holiday Gifts

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