Internals (Poem)

Going through... a lot right now. With transitioning, my ex moving out and being transphobic towards me, lack of money, needing my parent's help until I get my job back, but knowing if I tell them or they find out I'll lose all support and never get to see them or my sisters again, and this god-awful, debilitating dysphoria, I needed... I didn't even know what. But that thing is here, right when they're needed. Feeling hopeful for the first time in awhile. Feeling loved for the first time, ever, because its the first time someone loves ME and the love isn't built on lies about who I am.

#4 of Standalone Stories and Poems

My mind is a formless cavern

I wander through it, lost, curious

But through the black, I sense a pattern

And the thoughts press outward, furious





Stress, anxiety, loathing, trepidation

I look upon the shifting axons, nausea

Images and memories vex me, provocation

One word at the forefront: dysphoria





I am not who I am that I should be





I feel an emptiness in me, disconnected

Like my innermost soul is a stranger

When in the mirror my face I see, inspect it

And inside she cries out, freedom, don't change her!





On the outside of this maestrom conflict

The waves of dissonant judgments erode me

Other loves in my life turn away, leave it

And their toxin words burn at resolve, corroding





Then a light whisks it all away...





The fury in my conscious disintegrates

In its place remains the quietest calm

And as I feel the anxious sate, disseminate

I wonder at how this strength has fallen on





Then I feel them, not uncertain, confident

Arms wrapped closely, keeping me fighting

I let their warmth wash over, then hesitent

Begin the battle, resolve return, softly inciting:





"I'll give you love back doubly..."