Not Quite Nothing, LDS Church Leaders Announce

Leaders of the LDS Church, regarded by some 13 million Mormons around the globe as prophets, seers, and revelators, announced in the upteenth-hundred General Conference that they really do not have any solutions to the economic, social, environmental, health, political, marital, and educational problems that non-prophets, non-seers, non-revelators apparently struggle with on a daily basis. “All we have to offer at this point,” said one of the anointed ones, “is a list of slogans, divided into ‘rhyming’ and ‘alliterative’ categories. That, and the miracle of semi-annually re-animated corpses.” “It’s probably your own fault, if life is hard,” added another, in between bites from a ball of flavored Crisco.

Leaders Reveal God’s Plan To Not Reveal

Leaders were surprisingly frank during the conference, with some just holding up their hands, and looking sheepish, as if to say, “What do I know? I don’t know shit from sideways.” Another man, regarded as next-in-line to be waved at with hankies, was through a professional ventroloquist seated immediately behind him, made to admit, “I’ve not really done anything for, like, fifty years! Are you kidding me, all I care about is being called ‘elder’, that and the homos. All the homos.” The 21,000 strong audience was visibly moved by his testimony, one person tweeting, “#thankyeOGod for a prophet!”

“Look. We don’t really know anything, ok?” said a former pilot. “And that guy?” he continued somewhat off-message, “He’s a corpse in lipstick. Literally. We rolled him in from the morgue. A mannequin-robot speaks after him, and then, it’s a daughter of the corpse, only more bloated.” “We sustain you,” cried a former used-car salesman who happened to descend biologically from some other church leader, “as the Lord’s Anointed, it is true. We cannot even change our own clothes. I messed myself this morning. How are we going to fix this huge pile of, yes, even a pile of shit?” His endorsement was followed by a loud cheer from the audience, which chanted, “We’ve got the spirit, yes we do, we’ve got the spirit, how ’bout you,” and pointed to ‘the World’. When the World failed to respond, the audience burst into the hymn, “The Spirit of God.”

“Basically, the Lord had told us that He does not want us to reveal his solutions to today’s problems,” declared what seemed to be a mouth hidden behind several chins, and curtain-like jowls, “For the World is too wicked to be healed by the heavy duty machinery of the atonement.” The chins were then moved, via small industrial crane, into the pile of flesh and floral prints that Mormons consider the Lord’s special, collective mouthpiece, Jabba-the-hut-on-red-velvet-like, for eating whatever is in front of them.

When asked what good it is to have a prophet who does not prophesy even basic things forseen by mediocre economists, amateur biologists, crack-politico reporters, and quack-doctors, the President of the LDS Church solemnly announced that it’s pretty much “all your fault, you homos, single moms sucking on the government sugar-tit, children of widows, students with slouchy postures, debtors with below-average credit scores, and other bad people. That’s why we can’t say all the things we know, that’s why,” he blubbered near tears, “that why, I testify, we cannot prophesy, see, or reveal anything other than a new program. I mean, reveal to you. We all know all the solutions: be nice, be friendly, be amiable, be friendly. Did I say that already? Don’t persecute me for being religious.” The powerful speaker concluded, “And to be honest, let’s be honest,” he apparently sobbed like a fat old baby whose wrinkles have been sucked and tightly tucked into the collar of a $300 dress shirt, “the new program is just stupid. What is it called? Does it matter? I mean, it was this lame self-righteous weanie in, like, Priesthood Department who came up with it over the weekend.” The President was then led back to the pile of flesh, while the audience spontaneously sang, “We Thank Ye O God For Whoever, To Say Whatever Whenever,” and they played a World-Recording breaking round of Apostle-bingo, the winner receiving a vienna-sausage wrapped in WesternFamily Crescent Roll dough, to be cooked at home.