Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, Vice President Mike Pence has locked himself into a broom closet with a Bible, and vows to not come out until he figures out what message God is trying to send by sending a pandemic while a Republican is in office.

“Mike is real worked up about this coronavirus stuff,” explained one of Mr. Pence’s staffers, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss internal White House affairs. “Granted, the actual governmental response to coronavirus is now going to suffer because Pence was the appointed Coronavirus Czar, and has authority to do things and sign off on policies that no one else can. But he’s confident he’ll quickly find some clues in the Bible as to how God thinks the Trump Administration should make everything right with Him so that God snaps His fingers and makes the coronavirus all go away.”

As of time of publishing, Mr. Pence has been in his closet for three hours.

“Pence only brought the Old Testament with him,” explained a second anonymous staffer. “He’s afraid that Jesus in the New Testament will only offer up socialist ideas, but we’re confident that the message God is trying to send America with this pandemic is that access to healthcare should only be prohibited from immigrants and the poor further, and that government-wide responses to truly global emergencies are getting in the way of the free market’s ability to take care of all of our problems. If Pence knows anything about God, it’s that God is a total supply-side deity. The only part of the puzzle that doesn’t quite work out is how much of a libtard socialist cuck Jesus sounds like. If Jesus were here, he’d probably tell us to have some kind of Medicare-for-All plan so everyone can get treated for coronavirus without the fear of bankruptcy keeping them from getting life-saving help, and Jesus would probably be so annoying telling us we should start passing relief programs for poor people who lose their jobs during this country-wide quarantine process and all the poor children who will start losing out on getting dependable meals at school. But that’s not what God would want! God would want us to take vengeance! Unfortunately, though, the Old Testament is not so clear on who we should attack. Most of Israel’s enemies that God blamed for problems of millennia past are long gone, like the Amorites, Canaanites, Midianites, Gibeonites, and Amalekites… but it would make it so much easier if they were still around and we could go do a new regime change and another occupation. Maybe God is mad at Trump for not starting a new decades-long Middle Eastern war?”

A third staffer explained that President Donald Trump had directed Pence to find a way to blame the coronavirus on Obama.

“Trump has gotten involved, too, and has gone around talking about what a bad dealmaker God was. He says God is being ‘nasty’ and ‘so unfair,’ and that God must be losing his mental faculties just like Joe Biden. Trump thinks he’s the most Christian president in history, and claims that Obama, who actually went to church, was just faking it. Although, I will tell you that this coronavirus confusion has actually gotten Trump to start praying. He starts every coronavirus meeting with prayers that he leads, and in them he asks God to stop as many Americans from taking coronavirus tests as possible so that his numbers stay down, at least until after the election. He also asks God to give the deadliest version of the coronavirus to James Comey, Rex Tillerson, James Clapper, George Conway, Joe Scarborough, all the judges who rule against him, Joe Biden, Jeff Sessions, John Bolton, Megyn Kelly, Rosie O’Donnell, everyone at CNN, Nancy Pelosi, the Danish leader who wouldn’t sell him Greenland, all his sexual assault accusers, the teacher who gave him detention for punching her in the second grade if she’s still alive, and Meryl Streep.“

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