How often do you find yourself in East London on a weekend night out, being offered “top shit” by familiar or unfamiliar substance providers? If only too often, how long is it after an initial intake, before you start wondering when it’s going to kick in, whether it was a waste of money, or what’s in that yellowish goo-laced snot with powder residue you excavated from your nostril the next day? My new years resolution for 2011 was not only to consume less legal and illegal substances, but also to start caring a little about their quality and refrain from consuming anything overtly adulterated. That’s 88% of available cocaine out of the question already.

As a recreational cocaine user my experiences have varied during the past year; from 0.22 halves ‘cut’ with Holland and Barrett’s finest muscle builder to £80-a-gram Peruvian bombs, and from good quality stuff mixed with bitter paracetamol to desperate 07:00 in the morning calls to Dial-a-Dealer only to fall asleep an hour later. Overall, purity seems to be falling at the same rate as hipsters moving into Hackney estates. The good old days of a few good “phat ones” after work on a Friday evening seem long gone.

According to UK government figures, Benzocaine was the cutting agent of choice for 2009-10 present in 65% of all samples analysed, while if you’re still wondering what happened to that worm infection, it was eradicated by Levamisole, a top-class animal de-wormer and influenza inhibitor. Worried if excess use will cause hypertension? Worry not; Diltiazem will balance out any unwanted overstimulation. Is your heart not beating in tune with the soundsystem? Lignocaine comes to the rescue from potentially deadly arrhythmia. Not so sure about Phenacetin though; the out-of-favour analgesic found in 30% of samples has been known for a while to cause cancer and cardiovascular diseases.

I firmly believe that regulated use for recreational cocaine users must also take into consideration the side effects that arise from the use of cutting agents. Maybe a younger generation will tolerate such impurities, but anyone over 30 who pretends not to care, is toying with long-term health issues that will sooner or later manifest.