We’re close, gang. A couple more weeks of the crapfest that is the NFL preseason, and then the real deal will be upon us. Tailgating. Charcoal- and dead leaf-perfumed air. Oddly appropriate amounts of AC/DC blaring at oddly appropriate levels. Would-be retirement savings spent on tricked out bread trucks. Enough unwarranted optimism to make Candide blush. There’s nothing quite like Browns season, for all the best and worst reasons.

Whether you prefer to be part of the drunken amoeba that is the Muni Lot or relatively safe and sober at home, there are things you need to be considered a real fan. By which I mean: merch. You gotta shell out that paper if you want anyone to believe that you actually care about the Browns. Root, root, rooting for the home team only gets you so far. If you aren’t dropping at least half your paycheck on essentials like a Browns zombie bobblehead or a Mitchell Schwartz plaque or Browns cowboy boots — all real, available items — yet you’re still calling yourself a member of the Dawg Pound, then I hope you reside with a pride because you, my friend, are a-lyin’.

Something like a zombie bobblehead, however, has limited utility. You can put it out with the Halloween decorations and give it a little knock on the skull to make it wiggle, but that’s about it. You can’t wear it to a game or a concert or a wedding or a funeral. I don’t know about you, but when I spend my hard earned on official licensed gear, I want to be able to throw it across my shoulders and strut all over town.

To that end, today’s writing comes with a mission: To determine which Browns jersey you, the consumer, would be best served in purchasing. Such a transaction is of course subjective, but a little advice never hurt. Except where noted, all of these jerseys — the fancy new ones — are currently available at the Browns team shop (i.e., no customized options are discussed). I won’t be giving preference to one colorway over another; that choice is between you and your god.

All pictures are from the Browns team shop

Joe Haden #23

Haden is the safe choice. He’s a good player, he’s a good teammate, he’s a good brother, and he’s a good man. He engages with fans; you can watch him on his YouTube channel or buy sneakers from him. He’s under contract until 2020. There are a lot of good strong reasons to choose HADEN No. 23 if you’re going to buy a Browns jersey. (It’s a tad uninspired is all. This isn’t a resumé. Don’t be afraid to go off the beaten path.)

Paul Kruger #99

Extra points for No. 99, which allows for plenty of creativity once Kruger leaves town: you could repurpose the jersey as an allusion to the team’s return in 1999, pair with your significant other to make one of those charming 99 Problems/Ain’t 1 couples outfits, or pay homage to past Browns greats like Orpheus Roye or Hurvin McCormack. In the words of Kruger himself: “The Dawg Pound is alive and well.”

Brian Hartline #83

If you had a Joe Jurevicius jersey, you’re obligated to get a Brian Hartline jersey. White NFL wide receivers are as common as African penguins as it is. To have two different ones play for the Browns, within a decade of each other, and to have both be local products? It’s too good to be coincidence.

Cameron Erving #74

A rookie’s jersey? No offense to young Cam, who may well turn out to be a fine NFL player, but you may have a very real gambling problem if you’re the sort to pay good money for a Browns rookie’s jersey. Never forget: the house always wins. How’s that Gerard Warren replica treating you?

Danny Shelton #71

Ah, but if you truly want a rookie’s jersey, may I recommend the Shelton? Danny’s jersey comes with the risk that that of any Browns freshman does, but he has quickly become a mild cult hero and he has potential to become an appropriately large one. As a bonus, the No. 71 shirt pairs nicely with a lava-lava.

Joe Thomas #73

Joe freaking Thomas. What a man. I don’t think of him as outspoken, what with the affinity for fishing and all, but he’s called out the commissioner, buried Peyton Hillis, and told the Browns front office to get its spit together. He’s put in eight damn good years of service and could be good for eight more. Screw the jersey. I want a Joe Thomas statue.

Johnny Manziel #2

If you believe that we are all fallible; if you believe that we can all change; if you still believe that Johnny Football is still alive and well, somewhere; if you believe in Texas forever; if you believe in taking the scenic route; if you believe in tearing up the directions and putting the damn thing together yourself; and if you believe in redemption, then by god, you still believe in Johnny Manziel. Buy this thing yesterday.

Donte Whitner #31

The choice for the true Clevelander. Whitner went to high school seven miles from old Municipal Stadium, played three years at Ohio State, and poured his heart out to his teammates before a game against the Bengals last year. He wears that orange helmet with pride, and we would never turn our back on a local player. He’s already played nine NFL seasons, and safety is a tough position for an older fellow to play, but Donte has already done his hometown proud. He deserves to have his name worn around the 216.

Justin Gilbert #21

Buy this jersey if you bought a lot of stock in 2008. Buy this jersey if you enjoy low tide. Buy this jersey if The Ugly Duckling is your favorite fairy tale or She’s All That is your favorite film. Buy this jersey if you believe there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t buy this jersey if you believe that light is a train. (This jersey is only available in the new style if you personalize it; plenty of Gilberts in the previous style are available at a minor discount.)

Tramon Williams #22

If you already knew who No. 22 was from the front alone, then by all means, go for it.

Brian Hoyer #6

Priced to move! Go Texans!

Apologies to those who didn’t make the cut. Buy Isaiah Crowell’s jersey if you’re into pizza Lunchables, Terrance West’s if you’re into feeling yourself on Twitter, and an old Josh Gordon if you think his suspensions are BS.