Illustration by Leo Espinosa

RESULTS OF NASA’S INQUIRY INTO FLIGHT PV-801:

Multiple lapses by Ground Control, compounded by astronaut error, led to the stranding in space of U.S.A.F. Major Thomas D. Ogletree (MAJOR TOM). Established procedures were not followed; flawed decision-making was rampant and systemic.

Below are excerpts from the official CAPCOM transcript, with comments by the investigators.

GROUND CONTROL: Ground Control to Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

The panel found the command to swallow nutritional supplements just moments before liftoff to be reckless and foolhardy.

In addition, the panel determined that T minus ten seconds was far too late in the launch sequence for Major Tom to “put [his] helmet on.” Consequently, his CO2 purge valve went unchecked, and he did not have time to rub his visor with anti-fog compound.

GROUND CONTROL: Commencing countdown, engines on.

The panel found it bizarre to be “commencing countdown” near what is obviously the end of the countdown. In fact, a background voice can be heard saying “. . . six . . .” as the countdown is “commencing.”

Moreover, activating engine thrust requires a complex multi-step protocol, and cannot be accomplished merely by saying, “Engines on.” One investigator compared this to a small child ordering, “Car go fast!”

GROUND CONTROL: Check ignition and may God’s love be with you.

At liftoff, capsule video clearly shows Major Tom, his mouth stuffed with protein pills, looking flummoxed. He paws at the control console (trying to check ignition?), then sees his helmet lying on the floor, still in its protective bag (!). The Major scrambles frantically, almost comically, to screw on the helmet as powerful g-forces buffet his body.

GROUND CONTROL: This is Ground Control to Major Tom. You’ve really made the grade!

This empty praise, just forty-six seconds into the flight, is perhaps intended to divert attention from the helmet fiasco. What is indisputable is that coolant is spraying wildly from the Major’s helmet seal.

GROUND CONTROL: . . . and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear.

No corroboration could be found for this strange statement. Certainly, astronauts are not known for their snappy dress. (In recent years, the most discussed piece of astronaut fashion was a diaper.)

GROUND CONTROL: Now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare.

The panel felt that the gratuitous addendum “if you dare” showed poor judgment, and may have rattled Major Tom. (Later, we hear the even more baffling “Take out your comfort pillow if you dare.”)

MAJOR TOM: . . . and I’m floating in a most peculiar way.

Panelists were incredulous that a seasoned astronaut could be unfamiliar with basic weightlessness. Lax training was cited.

MAJOR TOM: _For here am I sitting in a tin can . . . _

This cheap shot at his spacecraft from the usually courteous Major is troubling. Is he beginning to unravel? At Cape Canaveral, the designers of the capsule can be heard sighing in humiliation.

MAJOR TOM: Planet Earth is blue . . .

Taxpayers who spent $4.8 billion on the mission were surely not thrilled with this banal observation.

MAJOR TOM: . . . and there’s nothing I can do.

Sadly accurate, as vital silkworm experiments go undone, and no docking is achieved with the International Space Station, despite its location, just eighteen inches away.

MAJOR TOM: . . . and I think my spaceship knows which way to go.

This remark cannot inspire confidence.

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much . . . she knows.

Major Tom is not married.

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