Urgent transmission to:C.O. Chillindude829Planet Earth I, Milky Way Sector02/14/2019 - 00:01 HoursFederation communications have told me that an Earth holiday called Valentine’s Day is approaching. I’ve been told this day is for exchanging romantic transmissions and hearts. The refrigerated hearts of the space pirates will take some time to arrive, but this transmission should be instantaneous.Commanding Officer Chillindude829, I know Fox is your main in the competition, but that I’m the main in your heart. The nicest shot you’ve hit is the one that penetrated my Power Suit. I look forward to taking off the suit, curling up in a ball with you, and enjoying this Earth phenomenon called Netflix.I was instructed by my colleague to send photos of my peaches. Please enjoy the ripe peaches that I have attached.Sent from:Gunship of Samus AranPlanet K-2L, Thebes SectorP.S. The thing that killed my parents got into Ultimate and the Nintendo Federation delayed my new mission by another year at least. It’s been a bad year so hit a charge shot on some fool in pools for me!

Dear Snutesypoo,I miss you. And so do our 12,307 children and grandchildren, including but not limited to, James Mary John Patricia Robert Jennifer Michael Linda Snute Jr. William Elizabeth David Barbara Joseph Jessica Richard Susan Thomas Sarah Charles Margaret Christopher Karen Daniel Nancy Matthew Lisa Anthony Betty Donald Dorothy Mark Sandra Paul Ashley Steven Kimberly Andrew Donna Kenneth Emily Swarmy McSwarmpants George Carol Joshua Michelle Kevin Amanda Brian Melissa Edward Deborah Ronald Stephanie Timothy Rebecca Jason Laura Ryan Sharon Jeffrey Helen Jacob Cynthia Gary Kathleen Nicholas Amy Eric Shirley Stephen Angela Jonathan Anna Larry Ruth Justin Brenda Scott Pamela Brandon Nicole Frank Katherine Benjamin Swarmantha Gregory Christine Raymond Catherine Samuel Virginia Patrick Debra Jack Janet Alexander Rachel Dennis Emma Jerry Carolyn Tyler Maria Aaron Heather Jose Julie Henry Kerrigan Diane Douglas Joyce Peter Evelyn Adam Joan Nathan Victoria Zachary Kelly Walter Christina Kyle Lauren Harold Frances Carl Martha Jeremy Judith Gerald Cheryl Keith Megan Roger Andrea Arthur Olivia Terry Ann Lawrence Jean Sean Alice Christian Jacqueline Ethan Hannah Austin Doris Joe Kathryn Albert Overlord Gloria Jesse Teresa Willie Sara Billy Janice Bryan Marie Bruce Julia Noah Grace Jordan Snute III Judy Dylan Theresa Ralph Madison Roy Beverly Alan Denise Grrawrrr Wayne Marilyn Eugene Amber Juan Danielle Gabriel Rose Louis Brittany Russell Diana Randy Abigail Vincent Natalie Philip Jane Logan Lori Bobby Alexis Harry Tiffany Johnny Kayla and DanceDanceEvolutionChamber. It’s been so long since you last saw the grandkids, and I heard that we’re expecting 37,883 great grandchildren this year. Our precious little family is growing.We all hope that you’re enjoying retirement, and don’t worry, we’re taking care of the family business of infesting planets and civilizations. I look forward to retiring with you one day, once all non-Zerg life in this sector of the galaxy has been extinguished.Yours Forever,

For the beloved characters in our games, no one is more attractive than the pros who control their every move over 8 hours a day. And how could they not? This is the ideal male form, this is what peak performance looks like, sitting on his MAXNOMIC® by NEEDforSEAT® chair and using his custom gaming PC from Alienware.His palms would be sweaty, holding his trusty mouse all day. His knees weak from sitting through 4 hour scrim blocks. And his arms would be heavy from taking selfies for social media. There’s Monster on his sweater already, and maybe even some of Manny’s spaghetti. No one could resist such paragons of gaming, including even the most unsentimental of characters.If only they could speak (or write an email), they’d be able to share all the things they admire about our players. Fortunately, we can speak for them. These are the amorous words that these characters would have sent to our players.WARNING: We do not take responsibility for any potential “alternative art forms” that our mindless ramblings may inspire.

[Editor's Note: We tried our best to think of a ridiculous Bayonetta photoshop, but her photos on the internet are already far worse than anything we could ever hope to imagine.]

Dearest Salem,I may have suffered from amnesia in the past, but trust me, love, I still hold grudges. Especially when I’ve been betrayed.After all we’ve been through together I really thought you’d show me more loyalty. While I’m not shocked at all you have come back to me (they all do), I am not going to just simply forget the anguish you’ve put me through these past few months.I really thought it’d be you and me against the world after that whole fiasco with the spirits. You know the one, where I had to be rescued by a small pink ball with eyes, embarrassingly enough. But I guess my humiliation had really only begun, because soon after I saw you had vacationed in sunny Florida without me, instead bringing along Link.By the way, please don’t worry about him. That’s all been taken care of. Let’s just say I’ve physically manifested what you’ve done to my heart figuratively: Shot two arrows through it. We’re even now, don’t you think? So no hard feelings.I’ve seen you say that anyone can be a good main in Ultimate, and I just have to laugh. Do not fool yourself. You will always come back to me. But I’m not that easy, honey. I expect you to make it up to me this Valentine’s Day. If you need any advice on how to treat a lady, ask your mum.Love,