Tuesday

Having completed the first difficult day of your quest for perfection we can move on to the second phase of the makeover of you sad, sausage-fingered life. Hey, don’t judge me now. I didn’t bring the fork to your mouth and make you eat that supreme double fudge extra chocolate mousse cake now did I? Since you’re probably too poor to afford a personal trainer, a personal nutritionist or a life coach I will take this monumental responsibility and become one for you totally free of charge. I’m into charity and helping people at the moment so don’t worry I’m not going to let you down.

Okay, lets get started.

Since this is your first time on this difficult yet rewarding diet, I’m assuming you cheated and have eaten whatever else that you have eaten, so today you’re not going to have much to eat. Also I will be explaining some of my beauty secrets for better skin (today) and hair (tomorrow). But for now lets talk about your diet.

Today, we’ll be washing away your tears from all late nights that you’ve cried over a boy/ or girl who will never as much look at you because you’re physically unattractive. But thats okay my little darling piece of tofu because you’ve started something special. Starting today you will be baptized and reborn as a new more confident better looking version of yourself.

Water

Is the main dish on the menu for today. You will be drinking lots and lots of water today. You will not eat much today, but after this first week, you will lose a significant amount of weight. Drinking a lot of water will help you stay hydrated and help you keep your skin in good condition. Also since tomorrow’s blog will include some work outs, you don’t need to worry much about the water weight you might put on today because you will lose it tomorrow.

You will drink 5 cups of water in the morning when you wake up. Your mean should include egg whites and a small fruit such as a peach or an apple. Continue drinking water every hour and a half, preferably 2 to 3 cups of water to keep you full. Every time you feel hungry, think about the starving children in Africa and just know that those kids are skinnier than you’ll ever be. Are you gonna let some little African Julanda click-clack-click be more fitted to wear a Valentino dress? I don’t fucking think so. Drink that water up, bitch.

For lunch you should have prepared yourself exactly 7 crackers and 3 cubes of cheese and and 8 grapes for dessert. This may seem ridiculous to you but you’re not 115 lbs like me, now are you?

For dinner you will have jello because it is about 30 or 40 calories for a whole bowl. So go to your local store

and purchase a few of those 1 dollar jello boxes. Never buy a store jello, always make your own. So have a bowl of jello have some more water and you should be good for a day.

Let the water you drink today drown the fat girl inside of you. Let that girl scream in agony as she tries reach out for a chicken sandwich with her little sausage fingers. Silence her! She does not control you any longer. Now repeat after me. Food is for the weak! Food is for the weak!

Now, my sweet little skeletons we will discuss how to take care of your skin. You don’t want to do anything half-assed, right?

Skin:

This mask is called “kamisamanokao” which means the face of God. You will need 4 simple things to make this wonderful mask. You would need 1 avocado, about 5 almonds, flax seed oil and a teaspoon of honey. Mash the avocado until it looks like bulimia residue. Grate the almonds and them to the avocado along with flax seed oil and honey. Mix it all together. Now before you apply the mask, heat up some water and get 2 tea bags. You’re going to soak the tea bags and put them on your eyes when you have applied the mask.

You have now the face of Jesus, the face of God.