Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Fuckford and virus host Toby Fuckface

IN (for -4 points): Heaton and Baines

Had to take a hit with the death of my sole keeper / on and off again lover Pickford. With 0 in the bank I couldn’t afford a straight swap to any starting keeper so the hit was necessary. It might be honestly a blessing in disguise as Fuckford has been fairly bad - Sundy are so bad - getting in Heaton was not much of a decision. I briefly thought about Foster or Valdes but in the end decided to just get the guy who seems to get the most points with Heaton and roll with him as a solo job despite sort of poor fixtures. Who to downgrade for funds was a little bit troublesome and it was between Toby and Firmino. In the end I think downgrading Firmino into a player in the correct price bracket will decide what I do with Aguero - and is not a decision I was ready to make this week. There is more downward price flexibility to free up funds with Firmino than Toby…and I only needed a little bit of money to get Heaton in…so Toby got cut. He fell into the bad graces really quickly after dying after 1 game as usual for my transfers and even though I envisioned holding Toby for a while it was a case of needs must. Baines on pens at just 5.3 seems great…especially if Koeman persists with 3 at the back and he’s playing wingback. Will happily have some of that. Everton fixtures get better so I’m pleased to get old fave Baines back in. Feels comfortable.

GK: New friend TOM goes for me. Have had Fuckford since GW6 when I WC’d him in so will have to get used to having a new guy between the sticks. Home Sundy is as good as it gets so hopefully he comes in with a bang to help alleviate the points hit.

DEF: Another week another four at the back formation for my FPL squad as Can continues to torment my life as being resident dickfuck number one. Baines gets to go to Hull and hopefully return with a double digit haul. Hull have conceded the most pens in the league and are fucking terrible so please carry on with that narrative. Alonso and Van Dick are heroes and can do no wrong. Both with tidy home fixtures so hoping for cleans from them both. Soton will hopefully rebound and be solid after getting thrashed by Spurs with ten men. Lastly and definitely least, I will be starting Holebas again. Terrible fixture and Watford seem to have half of their squad injured at the moment. Not feeling good about Holes in this spot but I’d rather go with some form of attacking shit than have to start a cameo Can or a shitty De Roon. So it goes.

MID: Bobby Firm looks back in the mood and hopefully after finally slotting one last game he will come in high on confidence against City. Hazard is primed for another return with an outstanding fixture. Finally to round out my three man midfield for the weekend is Alexis. Hopefully he goes back to playing central striker but we’ll see. Walcott is out so I’m nervous Wenger starts Giroud again. All in all I’m hoping for some big points out of midfield this weekend.

FWD: Carroll finally scored a fucking goal. Garbage time bullshit goal but ended up being a 6 pointer and a massive thing in my world. Calmed my nerve owning the big man and might have earned him a couple extra games. Fixtures turn for them but he is still rounding into form after a lengthy spell on the sidelines. Maybe he comes out firing against Leicester. He’s probably on a short leash as Rondon looks a prime replacement soon but at the moment I’ll chill with him. Costa comes back in from his suspension and Zlatz will stick for probably a while in my side. Both look good to tit.

CAP: I don’t know yet. It will be a late decision between Zlatz or Costa this morning for me before the deadline. Zlatz has form on his side with a pretty good fixture even though Boro have been fairly resilient it’s still a promoted side going to OT. It’s another bus that Zlat has been dismantling last few weeks with three straight double digit hauls. It might be yet another case of overthinking to not ride him while he’s got good form and plum home fixtures. On the other hand, Costa is well rested and I think Stoke look like they are considerably worse defensively than Boro at the moment. They ran their socks off and were shattered against Liverpool and have injuries all over the park. Chelsea might really fuck them up on the counter and I expect Costa to be in and around the action as he usually is for them. It’s a tough call and one I feel like is very similar to last week. One of these players will explode….captaining the right one is everything. Hope I land on the right fucking fuck. Eh, maybe I’ll just go with Alon on this one as solidarity always feels better than having different rooting interests with my pod bro. We fly together or we die together.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: Matip and Toby

IN (for -4 points): Alonso and Baines

On the pod I was very torn on to take a hit or not to take a hit, Matip was getting fucked off no matter what especially after being ruled out but Toby was the question. And what it came down to is I think Chelsea defense is an absolute requirement in every possible superlative way that one can drum out. Seeing Kun on the horizon I want to be making money not spending money so my only very expensive defender slot available for a Chelsea fuck was Toby’s chair. I wish I had thought this through more back when I brought Toby in in the first place which was a nightmare transfer but you live and you learn, admitting your mistakes and correcting them as quickly as possible is paramount. I have an obsession with leftbacks and these are two fucking class LBs in Bainesy and my namesake kind of Alonso. Alonso I’ve covered above basically just choose your favorite Chelsea defender and move along but Bainesy was a little tougher and I had some other guys to sift through first. I chose Baines over everyone because he ticks every box there is to tick. Attacking fullback (with stats to back), sexy leftback, great fixtures for a while, on some set pieces and corners, decent team maybe with an uptick in defensive solidity, and then the giant orgasmic cherry on top is that he’s back on pens. Set him and forget him. Go on you lil hobbit man Leighton. Good to overlap with Walsh too for added fun.

GK: Robert E. Lee Grant Hill 4ever. Nightmare fixture @ Stamford Bridge but Pickford is dead and I will not use any transfers on GK unless I’m guaranteed 0 points from there.

DEF: So many friends! My defense is so fucking solid now I’m so happy! Phil Jones has become a mainstay for me and for Mou at United and he’s got the #1 or #2 best fixture as far as cleansheets go with home Boro. Anything less then a clean and I will be fucking pissed to be honest… Will be fun to have an Everton lad in Bainesy going today vs. Hull in another fantastic fixture and it’s just always going to be a countdown for the next pen or attacking return. Koeman and the club tidying up at the back and keeping some cleansheets are just added benefits at this point. Leighton is a friend with benefits is what I’m trying to say. Let’s fuck… And last and the furthest thing ever from least is Alonso and Chelsea doing what they always do and cleaning and titting and todding and probably going on to win the league. Chelsea getting absurdly lucky with the Christmas/New Years scheduling should mean that ‘Zo is safe to start both matches in GW19 and 20… I’ve wanted him since maybe GW6 or 7 and it’s a real fucking shame it took this long to get him. But I’m happy to have him.

MID: My midfield has gone untouched since GW15 and will remain so through GW20 I’m pretty sure. That said I’m frustrated with Siggy. It feels like Swansea are so incredibly otherworldly bad that even he can’t pull a Welsh rabbits out of his Icelandic hat consistently. But I gotta give him home Bournemouth and he better tit or he’s not getting another shot. Firmino has been ice cold for a while but there were serious signs of him playing a bit more down the middle in the Merseyside Derby and looking good and then sure enough he followed it up with a goal against Stoke that was one of my larger first pumps of the day. Bobby I think is fine and it sounds silly but he actually has a fucking fucked up record against top teams and especially Man City. We’ll see what happens in the game of the weekend but as a biased Liverpool fan I doubly hope that he runs riot. Payet I’m very torn on he’s creating a billion chances as usual but the Hammers fucking suck and are horrible. In addition to that he’s barely ever shooting and he’s not going near the box this year. His wife must be piiiisssssed BA-DUM-CHINGGGGGGG… But yeah, it feels like he’s a luxury pick, not an explosive 9+ million mid. His life expectancy in my squad is short. And last is sexy Alexi just getting it done for all of us believers all season long. Good lad go on.

FWD: Ole Faithful Dogfaced Goblin Diego Costa reenters the arena with probably some fresh warm young human blood (not his) coursing through his veins. No reason to believe that he still won’t be a very nice option up top, even if a little less consistent over the second half and lacking the Zlats/Aguero explosively - it might not matter. Speaking of Zlats he’s not going anywhere. He’s doing most of his feeding off of the bottom clubs in the league and guess what? Boro are in the bottom feeder category. Zlatty 2 Hotty ready to roll. And finally Andy Carroll still amazingly insane that both of us even have him but to get a return and points last week was just so fruitful and Leicester are awful so maybe worth another go.

CAP: Not really toooooo much to think about in the end… I think… Stoke/Boro defenses have been about equal, I could argue easily for either side of that debate but truth is I don’t care. Zlatan’s form is scintillating and after paying big dividends last week I will keep the faith for at least one more. Make us proud.