The poor mouth is not a convincing look for the world’s self-styled superclubs. Everyone can see right through it. Paris Saint Germain have been annoying the hell out of Manchester United recently by tabling ludicrously low bids for Ángel Di María. Now United are pulling out the lining of their trouser pockets and ostentatiously shrugging in front of Real Madrid, offering a mere £60m for old boy Cristiano Ronaldo when the Spaniards are demanding £85m. If only you’d kept quiet about your turnover and how many shirts you shift in Asia.

Real Madrid are responding to this, and United’s continued wooing of Sergio Ramos, by making a new, improved bid for David de Gea. Everyone’s digging their heels in right now, but if there’s a breakthrough in just one negotiation, all manner of fresh hell is going to be unleashed. We’ll be charting the aftershocks in at least another 30 Rumour Mills. It’ll be safe to come back in September.

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The pretty aesthetes of Arsenal haven’t fielded a player who can leave a foot in since the days of Wilf Copping. [Subs, please check, but that sounds about right.] Arsène Wenger is finally prepared to compromise his purist philosophy by signing one, though he’ll only cede so much ground in the argument. He wants Sergio Busquets. If he has to sign a player who breaks up play, he wants the guy who does it for Barcelona.

Chelsea’s furtive attempts to quietly tease John Stones away from Everton has suddenly escalated into a mass brawl. Also poking out of a large cartoon cloud which has, in no time, exploded out of thin air: legs and fists owned by representatives of Manchester United and Manchester City. Everton could trouser upwards of £30m here, which is all good news, though it’s going to be very interesting watching Roberto Martínez build a defence, isn’t it?

Chelsea have also been sniffing around Chile’s Copa América-winning midfielder Charles Aránguiz, but they’ll face opposition from Marseille, Bayer Leverkusen and Leicester City. The Foxes, who have an Esteban Cambiasso-shaped hole to fill, are the most determined and are bidding accordingly.

Bologna is the latest likely destination for Mario Balotelli. Should mercurial Mario do one, it’d leave Liverpool with only 938 strikers on their books. Plugging the gap: Thomas Müller of Bayern Munich, a strange rumour which appears designed to encourage Manchester United into making a decisive cash bid for one of their top targets. Clever agents, playing newspapers, clubs and fans like fiddles.

Rickie Lambert is also for the off. Tottenham Hotspur are now in for the big man, who worked well under Mauricio Pochettino at Southampton. So the dream move to Liverpool never worked out for poor Rickie. Ah well, such is life, but he’ll always have that crowd-plunging celebration at Aston Villa.

And finally, Crystal Palace are interested in Swansea centre-back Ashley Williams. But not at £25m. Alan Pardew is currently pulling out the lining of his trouser pockets and ostentatiously shrugging. It’s still not a good look, considering the size of the new TV deal. The Mill shouldn’t just call out the superclubs.