



Hello Rene,

My friend is a terrible shopaholic and has run up thousands of dollars of credit cards debt which her husband has no idea about!

Sharon will literally shop until she drops – and most of what she buys is completely unnecessary – she has boxes of shoes and outfits she’s never worn.

At the end of the day her finances are her concern – but I know the family (she has two young daughters) are struggling financially and her husband works long hours to keep them all afloat in the middle of this recession. I don’t know what he’d do if he knew that she was digging them deeper into debt while he’s trying to bail them out.

I’ve talked to Sharon and told her she has to stop – or tell her husband. She says she will – but never does. I’ve told her I’ll tell him if she doesn’t stop and she said she’d never speak to me again if I did.

I wouldn’t normally say anything but I think he has the right to know. And I hate the idea that her children are going to suffer because of their mother’s actions.

Should I sacrifice the friendship or is it none of my business? We’re friends – but honestly we’re not THAT close…

What do you think Rene?

Jessica, South Dakota.





Dear Jessica:

I agree this sucks and it sucks hard. I understand there are people who will be victimized as a result of your friend’s selfishness but there is one question that keeps going through my mind as I read this… what business is this of yours and why do you care so much?

First, I really don’t buy for a second that her husband is completely unaware, especially if she is spending like a drunken sailor on shore leave as you alluded to. You know why? Because if they share a closet and credit cards there will be clues. Clothes with new tags on them, a new outfit every time he looks up, even if she has the credit card in her name, she’ll need money to pay the bill, which will come from their account. I guess what I am trying to say is that people see what they want to see. We hear about this a lot in cases of infidelity. Sure there are signs, and everyone BUT the person spouse knows. Self-delusion is a powerful defense mechanism.

While your friend may know something is amiss, he might not know the extent of the issue. The question is, is it your place to tell him? I think not. He is an adult and he will find out eventually, sooner than later. The goal is to ultimately get your girlfriend help for what appears to be a reaction to stress or some sort of mental illness. If you say something to her husband, you not only implode your friendship, you will drive a wedge, at least temporarily, between her and the person in the best position to get her help. Honestly, there is no telling what might happen after that.

Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes. I know you have talked to Sharon in the past, perhaps this time you can talk to her armed with literature on shopping addiction. But before you give it to her, you need to read up on it yourself. I think this is a very serious discussion that is going to necessitate more than a “you have to stop this now, you’re hurting your family” as you two are in the car on your way somewhere. You need to let Sharon know you are deeply concerned for her health and the financial health of her family. I think the tone and spirit with which you approach Sharon is also paramount. Your odds of success will be greater if you go in with a loving spirit instead of wanting to prove her wrong or make a point.

Now, the downside; there is a real possibility that Sharon, while admitting she has a problem (which she has already) will not be ready to do something about it in which case you have to decide your course of action. Will you be able to sit idly by as your friend continues to spend? Or will you have to say something, even if it splinters your relationship into a thousand pieces?

I do also have to say that while I applaud your willingness to want to help Sharon, I am a little curious as to why it is so important to you that her husband know and that she stop spending? Being worried is one thing; but being willing to stick your nose in where it doesn’t belong is another matter. Sorry to be so blunt. The dynamic in any relationship but especially a marriage is complex. Personally I feel those things are best left to the parties most intimately involved to solve.

Good luck.

Rene

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