City Link management to shag employees’ partners

City Link management have announced plans to have affairs with its employees’ partners, shoot their pets and tell their kids that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

The move comes after City Link was put into administration on Christmas Day and management announcing that ‘substantial’ redundancies would be made on New Year’s Eve,

“We want to be very clear that we hold the people who work for us in utter contempt,” said Joe Moulton, founder of City Link’s parent company

“Sorry, did I say ‘work?’ I meant ‘worked,’ obviously.”

Plans to personally kick every employee in the shins and give them a Chinese burn were abandoned for logistical reasons.

However, there are unconfirmed reports that the management have been round to a number of employees’ houses and had an enormous shit without flushing afterwards.

City Link announcement

The Government have been quick to respond to the City Link plans.

“Yes, not really our business,” said Chancellor George Osborne.

“Although, can’t help thinking that if their employees had worked a bit harder, it wouldn’t have come to this.”

News of these further plans to abuse its workforce will trouble those who have criticised the company for the timing of its initial announcements.

“Yes, of course we could have done it at some other time,” said Mr Moulton.

“But it wouldn’t have been as funny. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them. I laughed and laughed.”