In a stunning turn of events the Republican Party was forced to backtrack on a bill aiming to give 24 million Americans a variety of life-ruining illnesses after it surprisingly garnered little support. President Donald Trump was shocked to find out that healthcare was a desirable government policy, himself favouring an official medical diet of exhaust fumes and ash.

Paul Ryan shared his thoughts on the issue, commenting, ‘I’d been reading a lot about the plague and thought it would be cool to have a real American plague, you know, like the White Death. It’s sad that a lot of Americans won’t be able to experience such pain and suffering that a lot of people in the mid-14th century got to enjoy.’ Ryan’s schedule has now been cleared for him to personally spread the Bubonic Plague by selling infected rats and discounted bags of fleas either door-to-door or through his Etsy site.

— Dom Starke