Chicken meth is what’s for dinner while wife swapping: wackiness abounds

As I write this, my eyes are laboring to stay open. The two passionfruit mojitos really hit me with a one, two sucker punch. So what it’s only 2pm. It’s been a rough long week. It seems to be the world is getting both more complicated in its absurdity and more simple in its wackiness. At least we know that the EastEnders character of Lauren Branning isn’t in love with Jake Stone. Why do celebrities give random character interviews? At least you know that if you are craving crickets, you can get a cricket burger or taco in New York City. You have to be grateful for the small things in life. Make sure you eat up this week, as next week’s Friday the 13th is supposed to be a popular holiday office party day. Be careful of those selfies-lets you don’t have a job in the coming new year. And, as you are walking home next week from the holiday party make sure to avoid the sinkholes that keep springing up; the latest on Fifth Avenue in New York. Anyway, that’s the coming week. Let’s review this past week’s nutty times.

1. Paris’ version of the commandments. The city of Paris released 12 commandments for tourists using the Metro system. The commandments are divided into four categories: helpfulness, courtesy, manners and politeness. The Pièce de résistance is Paris’ admonition to tourists to resist the temptation to stare for a long time at beautiful women. I do wonder if their commandment for tourists to not be rude applies to them as well. Back in Kansas during the post-thanksgiving shopping frenzy, Jeanne Ouellette could have used the help of those Parisian commandments. She was topless trying on clothes at Kohl’s, when she noticed that there was a peeping tom videotaping her. She got enraged and chased him while topless. At some point she realized she was probably making things worse by running topless.

2. Children’s role models. Thanksgiving shopping mania strikes again. It’s like a disease. A father in Florida left his kid alone in the car so that he could go shopping at Best Buy; meanwhile his wife was elsewhere shopping. Both the mother and the father thought the other had the child. Nice parenting. Hope that was a big screen TV for the kid. A little further up north in Georgia, two cops were suspended after they were caught cursing at kids on a school bus. I believe they lost their cool which is what often happens around rowdy teens. I kind of feel for them. A little to the west in Kentucky, Leeanna Brown tried to sell her baby twice; failing at each transaction. Is that listed on the Black Friday circulars? Lastly, what kind of parent are you if you buy the The Newborn-to-Toddler Apptivity Seat by Fisher Price? Will you judge other parents harshly if you see a baby with an ipad right up in their faces? If you think you would still like a child, eat some Brussels Sprouts they will increase your fertility.

3. With friends like these….In New Jersey, Alejandro Garcia, slashed his friend at a party after his buddy tried to stop him from drunk driving. Locally, they may need to change that slogan of “friends don’t let friends drive drunk”. In San Antonio, Police Officer Frankie Salazar shot his friend when their planned Wife Swap experiment didn’t go quite right. They actually didn’t tell the wives. Oops. So one thing led to another and shots were fired. To serve and protect, that’s right folks.

4. Odd animal sightings. In the US territory of Guam, there is a snake problem. Apparently, it is so bad, that the government has taken to dropping toxic mice down into the jungle. The mice are pumped up with a lot of acetaminophen. Talk about being a drug mule. I wonder if they also blast Guns ‘N Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle”? That could serve as a scene for a future Apocalypse Now sequel. As a New Yorker, I love a good squirrel story. Out in Utah, a beloved squirrel was kidnapped by a trucker for a nice Wisconsin family. However, said family just couldn’t handle the like of the little feller squirrel and back to Utah the squirrel went. Lastly, down in South Beach, at Sunset Harbor Marina, a crocodile was having a good old time frolicking about the water. The hunt is on for that little critter. Be careful where you sunbathe.

5. Congress. Back in October we went through a government shutdown. The last few weeks, congress has been discussing the likelihood of another shutdown come January. So, of course congressional discussions must be ramping up to try to avoid another shutdown. That is why Congress held a congressional hearing on extraterrestrial life. Specifically, the hearing was entitled: Astrobiology: Search for Biosignatures in our Solar System and Beyond. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the paranormal, extraterrestrial and supernatural. But what’s up with Congress’ priorities? There better not be another shutdown unless they are hoping ET takes them away at that point.

6. Local politics. The small town of Debary, Florida decided to end the ability of the townsfolk to have chickens in their backyards. I wish they had happened when I was younger. I remember I had some little chicks when I was young and one day they were gone and then we had hairy meat for dinner. I was soon after a vegetarian for over a decade. Meanwhile across the pond, the town of Liverpool is warning its residents that is you are kind to beggars you may be killing them. Or so goes their new social marketing campaign to enhance donations to charities. They argue that individuals should not give money to beggars since they are likely to misuse the donations on alcohol and other substances that could eventually lead to their death. Hmm. The campaign slogan can use some work.

7. Japanese tour company. A tour company in Japan can send your favorite stuffed animal on a vacation for you. Hmm. I think I will go on my own trips with my own toys. Why should my toys have all the fun?

8. Black market. We love beer as a country; especially local craft beers. Go on to craigslist and you will find overly priced black market craft beer. We just celebrated the 80th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition. What is going on here?

9. Meth Cookers. A couple in New York were cooking up some meth in their apartment when it caught on fire. Cops and fireman came and out spilled the wacky stories. The two claimed they were cooking chicken. As you know, everything tastes like chicken so you can’t blame them for trying to pass Meth off as chicken. Good try guys, but not really.

10. Van Damme wanna be. A few weeks back Jean-Claude Van Damme’s epic split was covered by all the news outlets as a grand feat. This week a congressional candidate tried his own “split” version. Mike Collins, running in the Republican primary in Georgia, is featured in his own version of a truck split ad. However, the distance between the two trucks is really not that impressive. If you are going to try to emulate Jean-Claude you gotta bring something to the moment. Do you remember McKayla Maroney’s face on the Olympic podium? In the words, of Shania Twain: that don’t impress me much.

So, there we have another week gone by. What will the new week bring? I leave you with one last story that I didn’t quite buy. As you know, these days you have to verify media stories. Discussions surrounding healthcare reform are all the rage these days. One story being thrown about is that of an Australian doctor who decided to bill “medicare” for his sex sessions with his patient. If fake, it would show how healthcare billing stories have become quite ludicrous.