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1.

I have never been traditional. I have tattoos on my body. I laugh at the crudest things. I have weird habits. I dress in revealing clothing. When it comes to sex though, I was wont to think pretty traditionally. Things like: you shouldn’t have sex with too many people before you get married; you should only have sex if you’re in love, or at least in it for the long haul; etc. I think because I was in my first real relationship for six years (all through high school and into my first two years of higher education), I was under the influence of first love and wholeheartedly believed I’d have sex with one man for the rest of my life. Well, of course, things with that man ended and I really had to do some reconstruction regarding my sexuality, sexual identity, and overall understanding of sex past what I had thus far experienced. My somewhat traditional views on sex were about to get a total makeover. I am a hyper-sexual person and being in a serious relationship worked for my personality type. I could do it any time I wanted, there were no STD or pregnancy worries; it was ideal. You know, until it wasn’t. We weren’t having sex very often at all, and when we were it wasn’t nearly as grand as it had been when we were the passionate young teens that he and I had been past.

2.

After we broke up, though, I just couldn’t imagine having sex with anybody else. It just didn’t seem right. My “number” was nagging me at the back of my mind. By having sex with just one other man, my number would go up by 100%. 100%! This number phenomenon, the number of sexual partner you have had in your life, is something that was keeping me away from sexual encounters of any kind. Plus, let’s be real here, for some period of time, I considered it a possibility that my cherry-poppin’ ex-boyfriend and I would at some point ultimately get back together. (I must keep my sanctity intact! Save myself for him! How very f*cking stupid.)

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3.

After much self-reflection I realized just how absurd all of that was and came to be disappointed in what I considered an odd form of prude-like behavior. Because though I considered myself a feminist, free to do what I wanted to do with my body, I had entrapped myself in a most outdated, antifeminist bodily prison, all the while not applying the feminist principles which I hold so dearly to my educated mind.

4.

I appealed to myself to open up my mind to really considering why a number is so important. The number was at one point a signifier of sluttiness. Thankfully, “slut” isn’t even in my vocabulary and being considered such is not on my radar at all. (And if the word is something you, the reader, considers important, I beg you to look at the word differently. The word “slut” is meaningless unless you empower the user of the word.) I know that anyone who considers “sluttiness” a part of someone’s character lacks a proper education in social skills as well as gender equality and respect.

5.

So, now I understand that being considered a slut means absolutely nothing to me (and hopefully you, the reader, as well). So why else, what other possible reasons, would my number be so important to me? The only reasons I can come up with that the number would matter are related to calculating worth based on sexual encounters. In other words, a woman who has had fewer sexual parterners is considered more innocent, cleaner, better, less slutty, and a more worthwhile parter. A woman with more sexual partners, on the other hand, could be viewed as a wild card, fun for a one-night stand, but maybe not worth pursuing further. (Meanwhile, the more sexual partners a man has, the more worth society applies to that man.)

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6.

All of this is utter nonsense. Worth is based on the qualitative features of an individual; a woman worth pursuing in partnership has attributes that combine in harmony with that of the pursuer’s. For one man or woman, the woman worth pursuing is thoughtful, kind, and nurturing. For another, the woman worth pursuing is fiery, artistic, and quippy. These attributes have absolutely nothing to do with her sexual history (or herstory, if you want to get punny).

7.

Do not think that I condemn prudence in sexual behavior. I merely hope that you don’t keep your number low because of an arbitrary value system. Have a low number because you are selective. Have a low number because you know that you can’t handle having casual sex. Have a low number because you want to be serious in a relationship before taking it to the physical level. Have a low number because it is your decision, not because it is an arbitrary assignment of self and societal worth. And for others, have a high number because you want to have experience. Have a high number because you were feeling particularly passionate one day. Have a high number because you enjoy having sex. Have a high number because it is your decision.

8.

The number is nothing but an amusing conversation topic in a group text between you and your best girlfriends, a way to nose into your friends’ pasts and nitpick into their sex lives and laugh heartily over a few glasses of red wine. The number is not a measure of your value as a woman (or man); it is not a weapon, either internal and self-inflicted or external and societally-inflicted, to be used against your freedom. The number should free you to be open with yourself and others, emotionally, physically, and intellectually (as long as you are being safe, which is another essay entirely). We can talk about our number without imprisoning ourselves inside of the number’s restrictive walls. Sexuality is fluid; we should learn to be fluid as well.

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