Biggest twat you know suddenly an expert on bitcoin

That bloke who knows everything about everything has become an expert on bitcoin in the last three weeks.

Simon Williams, who last month was telling you everything that was wrong with your choice of car, has gone from never mentioning bitcoin to banging on about ‘new paradigm’ and ‘cryptoblockchain’ like he knows what the fuck he’s talking about since Christmas.

34-year old Helen Cooper, who has known Simon since he reckoned his dad was in the SAS at school, told us that she ran into him the other day and he immediately started telling her all about how central banks are a scam and distributed networks are the future despite clearly having no idea what those phrases meant.

“He was telling me he was preparing for the inevitable future of finance by using a secure usb digiwallet to store his cryptomoney as a hedge, but his black, empty eyes told me this was just some words he’d got off a website, as usual,” she told us.

“Despite that, he’s still managed to get some money from somewhere and spent it on a big computer for ‘mining Internet money’, as he called it.

“It was like when his ex really got into 90s Soul, and he spent an evening reading about it so he could tell her she was wrong without ever bothering to listen to any.

“I tell you, if Simon thinks that the route to amassing a fortune is digging up e-alt-money in the interwebs, I’m putting all my money in a piggy bank.”