As a lesbian who hates most lesbians, I find lesbians to be quite detrimental to my overall happiness. Honestly, I could easily replace every lesbian in my life with a straight person and/or gay male and be just as, if not more, happy.

In every circumstance I can think of, lesbians are much worse than regular people. For instance, when I hook up with a lesbian she wants to stay and cuddle and rub her unshaven legs up against mine. Straight girls, on the other hand, usually have a sudden realization of what they have just done and run away before I have to do anything. I am then left with a nice, quiet, roomy bed.

Straight girls – 1, Lesbians – 0

My roommate this year is a lesbian. She smells like a Nike Store and her flannel shirts take up half of our room. She always plays really loud music and we end up wearing similar outfits most days. Last year my straight roommate smelled like roses and was always in her boyfriend’s room. We did not own any similar items of clothing.

Straight girls – 2, Lesbians – 0

I’d like to clarify that I am not homophobic. I love gay guys. They smell good and have soft skin. There is also the fact that I am a lesbian so there is literally no way I could be homophobic. Yes, this whole hating lesbians thing does cause some inner-struggle, but they just all have a way of getting on my nerves. Them and the damn bisexuals. Or the “questioning college girls” who cheat on their boyfriends with girls but then claim it doesn’t count because it was with a girl. While I’m sure the girl you cheated with would also like to pretend it doesn’t count, it does honey.

I think a doctor should determine our sexuality as soon as we are born so we can just skip all this self-discovery bullshit. My life would have been so much easier if I didn’t go through that whole denial phase and date Carl the football player who did No-Shave-November all year long and thought an Axe shower was an acceptable replacement for a real shower.

Or maybe we should all just become asexual. I’d like that. Physical contact is overrated. And maybe then Rick Santorum would shut the fuck up. Okay, I’m not trying to start anything but lesbians love sweater vests. Rick Santorum loves sweater vests. Therefore, Rick Santorum is a lesbian. That’s probably why I hate him so much.

In conclusion, I now believe that sexuality should be banned in this country. People don’t fuck people, sexuality fucks people. It’s killing our country one confused person at a time. Getting rid of sexuality would solve this whole gay marriage phenomenon, too. Our country has better things to worry about than human rights.

So bye gays and bye straights. Bye experimenting college girls and bye…bis. We will all excel as one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. Except for the damn Irish. Don’t get me started on the damn Irish.