Losing control of myself.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have a rigid system in place for myself mentally and physically. I like to know where I am going at all times. I like the details, I like to know my escape routes. I like to know everything that might happen so I can work out contingencies in my mind. It is nearly impossible for me to relax unless I feel like I have gone through a complete mental list of the details.

In the past month, for whatever reason, my brain decided to short circuit. The mental load of having to be in control of everything 24/7 was just too damn much. The end result of this was a series of panic attacks. The perceived threat in daily situations is everything and anything. I have come to the fork in the road where I am just too afraid of daily living to the point my mind said ZAP! This is not easy for me to both admit and to deal with. It is a lot to manage. The rigid system can only exist holding things together for so long before it starts to crack. Like a rubber band that has aged in the sun and frays. So here I am. Patching things back together.

This means challenging myself in ways I have not for years. I made my life very gray and very comfortable. That kept me safe- the repetitive nature where very little happened. I’m not going to return to shooting heroin in my neck but I do need to find other ways to bring meaning. As I said years ago- if I knew what to do, I would’ve done it. It’s 2020 now. I need to create a new vision for my life.



