Dear SpaceManAndy,

How do you fight hunger-cravings? Like avoiding food you really like, but shouldn’t have. Smoking is not an option.

Hungrily Yours,

Chubby in Charm City

Dear Chubby,

Wow, ok. Your first mistake was coming to me with questions about restraint. I happen to be a big fan of indulgence and eating is one of my favorite things in the world.

I could actually really go for a big juicy burger right now. Medium. I want onion rings on it and barbecue sauce and lettuce and I a side of fries smothered in ketchup. For dessert, maybe big piece of chocolate cake with a scoop of ice cream and whipped cream and hot fudge.

Hungry now? Me too. Now, neither of us have those awesome things to eat in front of us. We can work through this craving together. Fuck. I really want that now. I’m actually really hungry and a burger would totally hit the spot.

What were we talking about? Oh right. See, there is a very easy way to prevent yourself from running out to the nearest 5 Guys and getting yourself a big, juicy, greasy, char-broiled, burger of pure awesome (with bacon). Do what I do. Be poor.

See? I can’t go out and buy that burger right now because it will overdraft my account. And i would much rather overdraft my account for necessities like gas, or bills, or gin.

What’s that? You’re not poor? Well, that’s an easy fix. Give me that money. I mean, my advice is worth something isn’t it?

Seriously though, there are other things you can eat. I’ve recently discovered whipped cauliflower. OMG, that shit is good. It had the consistency of mashed potatoes with a shit ton of butter and heavy cream. Are you craving potatoes now? I’m not. While you chow down on your 300 calorie mashed potatoes, I’ll be eating my 39 calorie whipped cauliflower (here’s the recipe).

Some people will try to tell you to munch on carrots instead of chips. Fuck that! How are those two things even comparable? It’s like apples to oranges, except those are at least both fruits. It’s like telling someone to have water instead of beer:

Chips to carrots makes no sense at all. If you want chips, have some baked chips. Honestly, your diet will never work if you deprive yourself of the things you want. You WILL break down and purge. Then you get into that cycle. You know the one. “Oh, well, I ate unhealthy this morning so I guess today is ruined, I might as well eat bad for the rest of the day/week/month/fuck this diet.”

So, in conclusion, find healthier alternatives to the things you crave and indulge in moderation. Also don’t smoke so much weed you damn hippie.

Also, do as i say, not as I do.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. maybe?

–SpaceManAndy