THE United States last night reasserted its hard won freedom to punch itself squarely in the balls.

Across the 50 states proud, angry voters stood on their tidy lawns and gave Barack Obama a bloody nose by repeatedly hammering themselves in the groin with a teapot.

Todd Logan, an unemployed car designer from Grantham, Ohio, said: “Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Oh Jesus, that was a good one.

“I find it’s best if you hold the teapot above your head and then let gravity do the hard work. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! That was a bullseye.”

Logan insisted he was pummelling his gonads with a teapot because Barack Obama had spent more than $20bn turning the White House through 180 degrees until it pointed directly at Mecca.

Julian Cook, professor of freedom at Delingpole University, rejected claims that the Teapot movement is intellectual monkey shit led by manipulative scum and generally followed by people who don’t know where Europe is.

He said: “It has been grotesquely misrepresented, especially by dishonest, ideologically bankrupt know-it-alls who have shamelessly read and listened to what the Teapotters have actually said.

“The typical Teapotter is a modern-day Thomas Jefferson, an intellectual colossus who is exercising the freedom to believe that Canada is next to Germany and that God made fish.

“Teapotting will now take its rightful place in the pantheon of American thought alongside intelligent design and pyramid selling.”

He added: “It is not about racism or religion, it is about freedom from big government, it is about living your life the way you want to, unless of course you and your gay partner want to get married or you’re a woman who wants to choose whether or not she grows something in her womb.

“And you should also have the freedom to buy a bazooka.

“From a post office.”