A FRENCH court's decision to fine the Church of Scientology for making outrageous promises based on absolutely nothing last night sent shockwaves of fear through the world's major religions.

As the Scientologists were fined £500,000 for claiming eternal happiness was based on handing over a lot of money and that the human mind is engaged in a constant battle with insane aliens, Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus, Jews and Buddhists all began the search for a truly outstanding lawyer.

A Vatican spokesman said: "If every Catholic that we've lied to about virgin birth, miracles, limbo and heaven – and we're talking billions here – decides to sue us, we're going to have to sell all the artwork and quite a lot of the gold.

"We'll also have to lay-off thousands of priests. It's not good. Our guys aren't really cut out for any other line of work, unless there's a job where you do a two hour week telling people what bastards they all are and drinking a shitload of Scotch."

A spokesman for the Council of Imams said: "As things stand, the bit about the 72 virgins is looking a tad shaky.

"We're scouring the small print to see if there's some sort of get-out clause, but unfortunately there wasn't much in the way of tort law in the early Seventh Century."

And a spokesman for the Dalai Lama added: "Reincarnation was not designed to be legally robust so we may have to adapt it very slightly. For instance, rather than being reincarnated as a lizard or a pig, you may end up just being you again, but with a slightly larger nose or terribly dry elbows."

Meanwhile chief Scientologist Tom Cruise offered his support to his French colleagues, insisting: "When the insect people of Helatrobus enslave the Earth once more, who will be laughing then?

"Me, that's who, and I'll do it in a weird, unblinking way that will make you fear me."