Q: “Where do you work?”

Go to the bathroom. Now, now, now. This conversation has shifted dramatically, and you need to get out of there. Say something like, “Be right back,” or “Gotta go pee,” but don’t say it too loud, or too weird. Say it normal, for crying out loud. BE NORMAL.

Q: “Excuse me.”

You are in the bathroom and taking up way too much space and this person passing by you on the way to the stall definitely saw you mess up that “where do you work” thing and knows you’re hiding there for the wrong reasons. In my experience, “Excuse me” is always code for “I can sense your fear.” Just explain to the stranger that you’re in the bathroom only to wash your hands and for absolutely no other reason. Then mention a popular TV show like “Game of Thrones” or “Empire” and your favorite character on the show. Wash your hands for about two and a quarter minutes. Now quietly return to the outside world with a smile on your face.

Q: “Want a refill of that drink?”

Here, your bartender is clearly referencing that time you spilled a glass of wine on yourself at Brian’s housewarming and couldn’t find any seltzer water and you went into Brian’s room and threw your wine-stained shirt in his trash and then stole an old button-down shirt of Brian’s that sort of resembled your shirt and tried to make it seem like you’d been wearing it the whole time. Ha ha, nice try, bartender. Quickly laugh so the bartender knows you’re cool and fun, then slowly walk to the other side of the bar, far away from this demon person.

Q: “How’s your family?”

Wait. Didn’t you see on Facebook that this guy’s parents recently split up? If you say your family’s “good” it’s almost like rubbing it in his face, like: “Look at my good family. I’m so lucky. No divorce for this guy.” Say your family is “fine,” but don’t smile while you say it, that way he knows that you sympathize, but you’re not trying to steal his sadness thunder. Also stop doing that thing with your hands, you literal monster.

Q: “What time is it?”

Look at your watch. It’s 6:47. Do you say “quarter to 7”? Maybe. That’s probably safe. But then what if this person has somewhere to be at 7? Now your whole “quarter to 7” statement makes her think she has an extra two minutes to get there. Cut to 13 minutes from now and that person is late for her extremely important obligation. Say “6:48.” Yes. That’s good. Breathe.