I’ve spoken to dozens upon dozens of Trumpers over the past sixteen months. Not online—in person. They are ABSOLUTELY capable of having an intelligent conversation—because they’re intelligent people. But you need to approach them from a position of empathy and solidarity instead of anger and disgust (note: that anger & disgust is our first reaction should give us pause; we have our own ugliness). Why? Because when we focus on the common ground we share, nobody feels defensive—nobody feels attacked. Having a genuine sense of curiosity about why they hold the beliefs they do is powerful: you’re actually interested in listening to them. And when you’re capable of listening to a stranger, they’ll usually reciprocate by listening to you.

Attacking people for their beliefs isn’t just useless, it’s completely counterproductive—it actually achieves the OPPOSITE of what you’re trying to accomplish. There’s this psychological dynamic known as the worldview backfire effect: if you do nothing else with this essay, please listen to this 10-minute introduction to the phenomenon. Whenever somebody holds a belief that helps them feel safer, attacking that belief will further entrench it. It strengthens that belief. Because ultimately, the true antidote to anger and fear is to provide safety—& attacking the source of safety is NOT how to provide safety.

As an aside: anger and fear (and to a certain extent sadness) are all different responses to the same critical need to feel safe. Neuroendocrinologist Robert Sapolsky has noted that anger is usually a primate’s response of choice when threatened and vulnerable. Why? It’s far more effective at relieving the stress reaction: anger is the translation of fear into action. Primates can reduce their stress response by acting in ways that make them feel like they have more control over the stressful situation. And anger is the easiest, more effective, instinctive way to produce an action capable of making one feel like one has some semblance of control. Fear is the preferred response when action is untenable, but does absolutely nothing to reduce the stress reaction; in fact, it usually exacerbates it. And folks can vacillate between fear and anger, because the root cause remains the same: threatened safety.

Do not focus on the anger. All the anger is is a symptom; yelling at somebody about your objections to their symptoms is idiotic and counterproductive. Instead, address the threatened safety: if you can show them how their safety is being threatened not by brown folks, by Muslims, by undocumented immigrants—but by our common enemy, the elite political class that uses government to enrich themselves and their donors while this country’s poor, working, and middle class foot the bill…then we’re moving in the right direction towards unity. If you can show somebody an even better explanation for their pain—as well as the concrete actions they can be taking to help us address it—then they’ll usually adopt it. Because it fits better as an explanation. People like explanations.

That, my friends, is my secret to having constructive conversations with Trumpers. We must seek common ground and common cause with their beliefs and accept them as they are while highlighting and emphasizing what we do have in common. I’ve used this strategy dozens of times; it WORKS. And it’s exactly what we would’ve done during the general election had Bernie been our nominee.