SQUID PURITY TEST

Original Text Copyright (C) 1993 Jeff Earls

jearls@teleport.com A Squid is a motorcycle rider who, experienced or not, rides outside his abilities and sets poor examples by attire, propriety, and general behavior on the motorcycle. This test assesses your overall qualities as a motorcycle rider. A grade will be returned after you submit the form. Try to answer as much as you can! You will be penalized by the percentage of questions left un-answered. Good luck and ride safe... When asked by the officer to show proof of insurance, do you

[a] Pull the insurance certificate from your jacket pocket.

[b] Rummage around in your wallet and tank bag for five minutes and then exclaim, "the dog ate it!"

[c] Glance down at his/her gun and try to guess how many rounds are loaded

[d] Drop the clutch and whack open the throttle.

[e] Recite the policy number from memory You have just hit reserve on your gas tank. Do you

[a] Continue on to the next gas station?

[b] Ride as far as gas allows, and hike to the nearest gas station?

[c] Pass the next station, and figure you've got enough range to make it to the next town? Your first question on regaining consciousness is:

[a] Is everybody all right?

[b] Is my bike OK?

[c] Can I ride it home with the forks bent under like that? How often do you lube your chain:

[a] Every 300 miles.

[b] When it starts to make noise.

[c] Chains come with lube on them, don't they? When you lean hard into a turn, which usually scrapes the road first?

[a] Your floorboards.

[b] Your footpeg feelers.

[c] Your helmet. A helmet can best protect you in a fall if its

[a] on your head.

[b] on your arm.

[c] bungeed to the rear of the seat. You like to ride in a group because

[a] help is immediate in case of an accident.

[b] there are more eyes looking out for cops.

[c] there is always someone to race. Have you ever neglected to put your feet down at a stop sign?

[a] No

[b] Yes, but I meant to do it; working on my balance.

[c] Yes, but I caught it before I went over.

[d] Yes, and the $#@!! fell over in the street next to a school bus full of high-school kids. A bad crash trashes your leathers. you:

[a] buy a new set.

[b] have them fixed at a leather shop.

[c] fix them yourself with duct tape.

[d] "what leathers?" You go to breakfast before a ride, and during the pre-ride posing, a friend notices your master link clip missing. you:

[a] call a friend with a truck and tow it home.

[b] ride with your friend to a local shop and get a new master link.

[c] go to the nearest hardware store and safety wire it.

[d] go riding. It hasn't fallen apart yet, so it probably won't during the ride. You go to breakfast before a ride, and during the pre-ride posing, a friend notices a spot of oil under your bike. you:

[a] call a friend with a truck and tow it home.

[b] say, "It's just marking it's spot".

[c] borrow a flashlight, find the source, and apply a wad of bubble gum. You bought your latest bike because of its

[a] record of reliability.

[b] performance specifications.

[c] way cool paint job. You replace your tires when

[a] They reach the wear bars.

[b] The wear bars wear off.

[c] The rubber is so thin that the tires lose all their air while parked overnight. You replace your brake pads when

[a] they reach the manufacturer's wear limit.

[b] they start scoring the rotors.

[c] ... you don't know. You've never had a bike last that long. To you, "counter-steering" is

[a] pushing on the right bar to turn right.

[b] a myth.

[c] directing the bike shop counter dude to the particular moto sticker you want. A long ride is

[a] 1000 miles in one day.

[b] 1000 miles over a weekend.

[c] 5 passes up and down the strip. Your favorite motorcycle movie is

[a] "Harley-Davidson: An American Legend"

[b] "V-Four Victory"

[c] "Cool as Ice" The proper way to pass a car on a two-lane road is

[a] to signal your intention and wave to the car after passing.

[b] turn on your high-beam while passing.

[c] maintain a wheelie for the duration of the pass.

[d] on the inside of a blind curve. The motorcycle calendar in your garage is titled

[a] "American Classics"

[b] "Motocourse 1993"

[c] "Hot Dates" You think that turbocharging a motorcycle is

[a] juvenile and dangerous.

[b] a good project for the mechanically inclined tinkerer.

[c] the only way to outrun the police. You quit lane splitting when the flow of traffic approaches:

[a] 35 mph

[b] 45 mph

[c] 85 mph When out riding with a group you:

[a] keep a steady pace with the group

[b] pass slower riders in the twisty parts

[c] give it full throttle on the straights to catch up with all the riders who passed you in the twisties. When you park your motorcycle, do you:

[a] carefully back into a parking spot so it will be easy to leave.

[b] ride in, assuming you'll be able to back your way out.

[c] ride in at 60 mph, and see how many bikes you can cause to fall over. The best way to improve performance of a ZX-11 is:

[a] Use high test gas.

[b] Nitrous Oxide Injection.

[c] Install P-51 Mustang Engine. The reason you drill your own brake rotors is:

[a] To reduce the brake friction area so brake pads last longer.

[b] So you can look as cool as the rest of the guys in the drive-in!

[c] To remove weight from the front of the bike, so you can wheelie better. Single front brake disk rotors are better than dual rotors when:

[a] You only have one front caliper.

[b] You don't have both red and green paint handy.

[c] Brakes? Feelthy brakes? I never use no brakes! The best passenger to have on a bike is:

[a] Your mother-in-law.

[b] The 300 lb. barmaid from that last truckstop.

[c] Baa Baa or Debbie. You decide to make your mark on the net. So you:

[a] post something about riding a "spout" bike.

[b] post dozens of ghost-posts with the name Ravi Narayan.

[c] send Christopher Perez's name to the BMW Motorcycle Owners of America. For your preferred riding, you measure time in:

[a] days

[b] hours

[c] minutes

[d] seconds

[e] tenths of seconds How do you counter steer?

[a] You push with your knees.

[b] You lean strongly counter to the direction you want to go.

[c] After that last beer, you use the counter to steer yourself around. A cafe racer is:

[a] A coffee-a-holic who races to get the last cup outta the pot.

[b] Somebody that sits around in cafes and talks about racing.

[c] Somebody who can't ride anywhere near as fast as I can. How do you kick start your bike?

[a] You snarl at it until it starts.

[b] You push the florescent button marked "kick start".

[c] You always park on hills so you don't have to mess with that. You're following a motor home on a twisty mountain road, and:

[a] You wave your arms and blow your horn, hoping he'll pull over.

[b] You pass him on the first left hand turn, since that's the shortest line.

[c] You pass him on the right berm, since there's at least 2 feet of clearance. You want the latest hi-tech parts on your bike, so you:

[a] install Kelvar brake pads so you're bullet proof.

[b] paint the bike day-glo pink to be sure people notice you.

[c] install a 500 Watt sound system with stereo earphones in your Oakley Blades You are telling riding stories. Other than your usual riding buddies, who are you most likely to be talking to?

[a] yourself

[b] the net

[c] your insurance agent

[d] your probation officer You just crashed your bike on main street during bike week. You say,

[a] "HOW'S MY BIKE!?"

[b] "Listen little girl, get your damn tennis ball out of here before I tell your mom you left an ice cream sandwich in the glove compartment."

[c] "Damn I hate when that happens ... got beer all over my Oakleys"

[d] "Cool" For you, the primary advantage of a high horsepower (>100) moto is:

[a] increased carrying capacity

[b] decreased passing distance

[c] less front tire wear You've just bought a Yamaha V-Max, the first aftermarket accessory you're considering is

[a] a sidecar

[b] stiff fork springs

[c] a supercharger kit Your yearly insurance bill for your latest motorcycle is

[a] between $200 and $1000

[b] between $1000 and $2000

[c] between $2000 and $3000

[d] $0. Insurance companies refuse to cover you. Your first trip back to the dealer after purchasing a new motorcycle is for

[a] the 600 mile break-in service.

[b] a new clutch lever.

[c] a new gas tank and fairing parts. You communicate with your passenger via

[a] an intercom

[b] handsignals

[c] hard braking and rapid acceleration so that your helmets clonk together in morse code. When you inspect your tires after a ride, it is to

[a] look for small nails.

[b] see how far you're getting over.

[c] see if there is still air in them. You like to start a weekend ride

[a] before 5 in the morning.

[b] not before noon.

[c] only after a few beers. The most important item in your tank bag is

[a] your tire repair kit.

[b] your sunglasses

[c] your supply of golf balls and sparkplugs. You wave to other motorcyclists

[a] always

[b] only if they're riding the same brand of bike as you.

[c] only when they're pulled over by the police. You think you can outrun

[a] a police paddy-wagon.

[b] a police cruiser.

[c] a police pursuit car.

[d] a motorola. Each time you see an oncoming police car, you expect

[a] a friendly wave.

[b] another week in traffic school.

[c] a high-speed chase. Your speed is limited by

[a] posted speed limits.

[b] road conditions and visibility.

[c] quantum mechanics. At a big party with your riding buddies, you give awards to

[a] the owner of the bike with the most chrome.

[b] the owner of the bike with the loudest exhaust.

[c] anybody that actually rode all the way there without damaging themselves. You keep warm in cold weather by

[a] using an electric vest

[b] shivering

[c] staying inside. You won't ride if it's less than 75 out there. Proper riding attire is

[a] an Aerostitch suit.

[b] torn red and blue leathers.

[c] whatever was on top of the laundry pile. You're riding at night and a deer appears in your headlights. Your response is to

[a] drop anchor and weave the headlight back and forth across the road.

[b] pull the clutch, rev the engine, and try to scare the deer with exhaust noise.

[c] pop a wheelie and pray. You bought a bike with anti-lock brakes because

[a] you want the extra feeling of security.

[b] you want the latest gadgetry.

[c] so you can leave perforated skid marks at stop lights. You think that a traction control system on a motorcycle is

[a] long over due.

[b] great for the drag strip.

[c] a threat to freedom. A friend offers you a ride on his new big-bore sportbike. You

[a] decline, because you don't feel capable of handling it.

[b] decline, stating that you'ld rather wait until the break-in period is over.

[c] accept and leave his driveway by revving it to redline, dumping the clutch, and wheelieing all the way to the street. When you see another rider on the street, you

[a] wave to a kindred spirit.

[b] try to identify the bike.

[c] think to yourself, "I could take him." To you, "shaft-effect" is

[a] the reaction of the rear suspension of a shaft drive moto to a sudden throttle change while cornering.

[b] a myth.

[c] being charged more than $1000 dollars by the dealer for replacement plastic. If you had a spare $300, you would

[a] buy a new top-quality helmet.

[b] buy a new exhaust system.

[c] finally fix that leftover crash damage you didn't want to tell the insurance company about. Your choice for motor oil is

[a] your motorcycle's brand name only (i.e. Yamalube)

[b] top grade synthetic only.

[c] whatever is on sale at the supermarket. How often do you check the air pressure in your tires?

[a] before every ride.

[b] every 1000 miles.

[c] once a year. You've just overcooked a corner and a crash is inevitable. Your instinct is to

[a] lay the bike down and slide behind it.

[b] try to save it.

[c] look for a llama ranch. Your friends ask you for your opinion on motorcycles because they respect

[a] your safety record and knowledge of the sport.

[b] your mechanical expertise.

[c] the way your sunglasses match your bike's paint job. How did you buy your latest motorcycle?

[a] cash

[b] credit

[c] money from Mom. You want to put a sidecar on your motorcycle

[a] so you can take the whole family on rides with you.

[b] because you think regular motorcycles lean the wrong way in turns.

[c] so you can continue to ride when the roads are coated with ice. You think that a bike's windscreen should always be

[a] clear, so that visibility is maximized.

[b] smoked, so that road glare is minimized.

[c] pink, so that ... God knows why. When you hit the horn button, people

[a] have no clue.

[b] think it's just an old Toyota truck.

[c] think it's a runaway semi hauling fertilizer.

[d] think it's the Apocalypse. After a pass, you feel it is safe to return to your lane when

[a] you can see the car's headlights in your mirrors.

[b] you sense that you're past the car.

[c] you can see the whites of their eyes. You own a car because you sometimes have to commute when

[a] the roads are covered with snow.

[b] it's raining.

[c] it's below 65 degrees when you wake up. Your motorcycle training consisted of

[a] an MSF and ERC class.

[b] a racetrack based school like C.L.A.S.S.

[c] the dealer showing you how to shift. When leading a ride through some twisties, you

[a] always make sure the fellow behind you made it through the last corner before entering the next.

[b] take off and wait at the agreed upon meeting point.

[c] say "race 'ya!" and get smoked in the first corner by 6 riders, including the guy on the scooter. You always wear eye protection because

[a] ... what a dumb f***ing question.

[b] it's required by law.

[c] a friend of a friend of a friend heard of a guy who was killed when bee flew into his eye at 70 mph. You equate "head shake" with

[a] nothing. It's never happened to you.

[b] that funny feeling when you try to drive out of a corner too hard.

[c] what most people do when you ride by. An "Amal" is

[a] to be tickled.

[b] evil.

[c] a new trendy brand of shades, isn't it? The gas you purchase for your motorcycle

[a] is always at least 87 octane.

[b] is always at least 92 octane.

[c] can only be found at airports. You clean your main jets by

[a] removing them and spraying them with carb cleaner.

[b] relying on fuel additives.

[c] ... hell, you installed injection years ago. Before a long ride, your breakfast is usually

[a] a hearty bowl of oatmeal.

[b] a hearty bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

[c] two pots of coffee. You change your motorcycle's engine oil

[a] every 1500 miles.

[b] every 3000 miles.

[c] every once in a while. Instead you just keep adding oil whenever that little red light comes on. A proper motorcycle to attach a sidecar to is

[a] a WWII vintage Indian.

[b] a Honda Goldwing.

[c] a Yamaha FJ1200. How often do you adjust your chain?

[a] Whenever the slack exceeds the manufacturer's limits.

[b] Whenever you can remember.

[c] Huh? Metal chains _can't_ stretch, can they? Your license plate frame says,

[a] "Cognito ergo zoom!"

[b] "Live to flame, flame to live"

[c] "Caution, rider may bail" When a friend says that his float bowls are plugged, do you...

[a] Offer to help him clean his carbs.

[b] Ask how much the shop is going to charge him to clean his carbs.

[c] Give him the name of your physician. When you're following a faster rider on a faster bike than you, do you:

[a] Continue to ride safely at your most comfortable speed

[b] Ride faster to keep up

[c] Ignore your passenger's screams of terror and ride faster to keep up What's the best way to make yourself a better rider?

[a] Practice, practice, practice

[b] Sign up for track time

[c] Bolt on Kerkers and a new Stage III Jet Kit

[d] Drive down to the bike shop, pick up Bikes 'n' Babes Calendar '93, then ... visualize Where was the last place you or a member of your riding group was stopped by police for speeding?

[a] the interstate

[b] the state park

[c] the supermarket parking lot How soon after you bought your bike did you find its rev limit?

[a] 3000 miles

[b] 1500 miles

[c] Down the street from the dealer, as he waved goodbye to you. How soon after you bought your bike did you find out which parts scraped first in a turn?

[a] 3000 miles

[b] 1500 miles

[c] Down the street from the dealer, as he yelled at you for tagging the rev limiter and careening off a parked minivan across the street When hanging an impromptu wheelie after turning down a side street and noticing a police officer watching you from 100 yards away, do you:

[a] Pull over immediately and wait for the officer to administer the ticket.

[b] Stop the wheelie, keep going like nothing happened, and hope the officer is in a good mood when he catches you.

[c] Wave with the front wheel still dangling in the air, take off down the street and hide in your ex-girlfriends house while the officer flies by looking for you. Your friend has just finished wiping down his late-70's Goldwing with ArmorAll - including the seat. Do you:

[a] Warn him that nothing short of Velcro will keep him on that seat, and suggest he clean off the stuff with ArmorAll Cleaner;

[b] Keep you mouth shut and wait to see what happens;

[c] [b], and then [a] After their first ride on a motorcycle with you, your friend

[a] thanks you and compliments your skills.

[b] looks like a stunned rabbit.

[c] files a civil complaint.

[d] eats your cat. On a ride, you go out of your way to find

[a] scenic vistas.

[b] twisty roads.

[c] somebody to race at a stop light. You've just arrived at a campsite for the night. The first thing you do is:

[a] set up your tent.

[b] pull out a beer.

[c] pick up your bike. Rule #1 is "Never sell a Ducati". Rule #2 is

[a] "see rule #1"

[b] ... never sell a what?

[c] ... why not? When confronted with a barrier across a small bridge do you:

[a] turn around

[b] blow past the barriers and cuss at the idiots who put the signs up

[c] wait until they take the barriers down (days/months pass....) Have you ever lead the local police on a chase past the local biker hangout

[a] by mistake?

[b] just because you forgot to get your license?

[c] just to show off to your buddies? You wouldn't consider of starting a ride without your

[a] helmet.

[b] sunglasses.

[c] roll of duct tape. Safety wiring is

[a] a big minus when looking over a used motorcycle.

[b] a must.

[c] second only to duct tape. When going along a bridge, and you suddenly come across a slippery metal grated section, do you;

[a] start praying the rosary.

[b] yell "OH HOLY LAMAS!" and hope that you don't fall.

[c] seize the opportunity to test your "wet riding" skills, and open it up! When you subscribe to a motorcycle mailing list, is your userid:

[a] david

[b] Dave.Honda

[c] DiscoDave The first thing you do after a ride is

[a] wash your bike.

[b] grab a beer from the fridge.

[c] use your one allowed phone call to call Mom. What do you think about duct tape?

[a] I don't think about it any more than I have too.

[b] My bike would fall apart without it!

[c] I couldn't be without the quacking sounds coming from my bike's stereo! Do you think of curbs as:

[a] A nice place to brace your rear tire when street parking.

[b] A nice little jump to the street while running sidewalks.

[c] A berm for street racing. Packing for a long ride means

[a] carefully distributing the heavy items to the lower parts of your color-matched Fischer-Price hard luggage.

[b] Tossing a few things in a tank bag or tail pack.

[c] Checking to make sure the comb doesn't fall out of your back pocket. The first piece of riding gear you purchased was:

[a] a helmet

[b] a two (or more) color leather jacket

[c] sun glasses Your average group ride finishes up at

[a] someone's house for a BBQ.

[b] a pub.

[c] an emergency room.

[d] the precinct station. Your winter storage regimen consists of

[a] removing the battery, placing a small amount of oil in the cylinders, topping up the gas, and blocking up the wheels.

[b] covering it with a tarp.

[c] convincing your roommate that it'd look _great_ in the living room. Before starting to ride do you:

[a] check to make sure all lights, cables and hydraulics are in good working order.

[b] make sure your radar detector is turned on

[c] rev the engine up to 6k from a cold start to shorten warm-up time. Tire warm-up involves:

[a] 15 miles or 20 minutes of gentle riding.

[b] a series of swervies from the driveway.

[c] strictly a function of lean angle When starting off on a ride, your first actions when getting onto a street are:

[a] carefully look both ways, monitoring the degree of engine warm-up and road surface conditions.

[b] immediately pull a series of tight swervies to warm up your tires more quickly.

[c] pop a wheelie to the first intersection. When installing a new muffler did you:

[a] stick with manufacturers original equipment.

[b] install a SuperTrapp so you can tune it.

[c] install a "track only" model and then tell police you just blew a baffle and mean to replace it as soon as you get home. A fairing screw falls out 50 miles from the nearest town. You

[a] pull a spare out of your tank bag.

[b] find some bailing wire just off the shoulder and tie the fairing back on.

[c] whip out your ever present roll of duct tape. You are sitting in a hot tub, draining the life out of a beer, your friends decide to go for a quick ride, you

[a] stay where you are. hell, you have had half a beer!

[b] dump the remaining beer and throw on your leathers.

[c] don your flip-flops, shorts, tanktop and sunglasses, crush the can against your forehead, and go.

[d] say "Wait for me!", and go riding in the nude. When on a long motorcycle trip, you take pictures of

[a] the scenery

[b] the road signs

[c] your motorcycle Your helmet falls off your bike while you are pumping gas. You

[a] ride home carefully and send the helmet to the manufacturer for inspection.

[b] inspect the helmet yourself and decide that it's ok.

[c] hope that the new chip matches the one on the other side. You stop at a convenience store in the middle of a long ride. You buy

[a] a banana and a few high-energy bars.

[b] a 60 oz. soft drink.

[c] a case of beer and a roll of duct tape. Someone suggests that a 1000 question squid test be compiled. You

[a] run and hide.

[b] volunteer a "friend".

[c] shout to the net, "I'll do it!" Please be patient after clicking the [Submit] button!