2020 has been a turbulent ride.

Since the outbreak, America’s workforce has been split into three: those who work from home, the masses of unemployed, and those deemed “essential”. Healthcare titans like the CDC have advised the public the help flatten the curve by practicing self-isolation and social distancing. We know that these are the most effective methods for staying safe- but whats it like risking your personal health and safety for the sake of your job? Terrifying.

Prior to a global crisis stopping the world on its axis, some might’ve assumed that those continuing to work would mainly consist of doctors, pharmacists, and first responders—those considered as absolute necessities during a pandemic. If anything, COVID has shed light on workers who often get overlooked but have proven themselves time and time again to be just as integral— the likes of our gas pump attendants, cashiers, and drive-thru workers. People, who just like healthcare workers, have to put on a uniform and pray that they don’t bring anything back home. Amongst this wide variety of professionals risking their wellbeing every day are the sky’s first responders and last line of defense: flight attendants. Day in and day out, 120,000 of us are faking smiles amidst growing concerns regarding the future of the industry.

A wise woman once said “Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right.” It’s hard to believe that things were business as usual a few short months ago. Before the threat of a mass-furlough loomed over our heads, many of us were enjoying decent profit-sharing checks after a year of record sales and low fuel prices. Friends were moving across the country, families and side businesses were being started. Then, like something out of a movie, the aviation industry was crippled by the pandemic within a month. Countries on lockdown left us strewn all over the globe… and at its peak, the only thing separating our newsfeed stories about our coworkers contracting and dying from the virus was news that yet another airline has been grounded for good.

Every week ushered in new information and even more confusion. Are we blocking the middle seats? Why is there no social distancing in first class? If a passenger is refusing to wear a mask, he’d be putting the entire flight in danger… is that grounds for an emergency landing? We were forced to wing it. As the demand for flying plummeted, airlines began sterilizing aircrafts and providing masks to keep passengers and employees safe. Being a flight attendant during a pandemic is nothing short of surreal. The brand of assertive navigation that was once reserved for midtown Manhattan isn’t needed in Newark Airport’s Terminal C. Flights to Orlando aren’t filled with gremlins in Elsa costumes still tweaking off of their last sugar fix. Food and beverage services were streamlined to limit the amount of interaction between employees and passengers. And while empty concourses and light passenger loads are an admitted nice change of pace, there’s nothing to truly to take pleasure in. It’s kind of like staying the weekend at grandmas while your parents are getting a divorce. It’s hard to enjoy cake and ice cream when a rug is being pulled from under you. Yes, the workdays are “easier,” but you know that this is only because your industry has taken a nosedive.

Noisetrend asked flight attendants from across the industry about what it’s like working through these uncertain times. Names have been changed, and responses have been edited for clarity.

STAY. HOME. Honestly? The planes are 90% empty. I don’t even know why we still have to show up for work. You hear stories of flight attendants dying over this. Let me “flatten the curve” by staying home with my dogs. It’s crazy- panes are grounded, services are suspended, and flights are canceled. They honestly need to just ground all flights for the next two weeks- I feel like a walking petri dish by the end of the day. It’s like I’m hyperaware of everything I touch. The passengers don’t really help either. I mean, they think they do, but bless their hearts. I’m really considering taking the leave my job is offering and just riding it out at home with my loved ones. The CDC says to stay home and limit exposure to others, yet I risk my health every day… no amount of gloves is going to help that. I love my job, I love my company, but I have to do what’s best for me. I come first. ALEX C. — 27

I wake up every morning and check my work email, waiting for news on whether or not we’ve shut down as a whole. I took a 2-month leave of absence that I can’t afford in hopes of helping the airline. There is barely a sense of job security. I show up to work wearing gloves and a mask and essentially have washed my hands raw. All of this, just to fly ignorant spring breakers to and from Florida. I fear that with every social interaction that I have contracted COVID-19 and will bring it home and spread it to my family. LUCIAN M. — 54

In November of 2019, I suffered a stroke while on a trip for work. My world was immediately changed. I spent six weeks in a hospital, my things were put in storage, and I moved back in with my mother. Talk about a hit to your pride. I am currently out on disability with no idea of when and if I will return to work. And that’s not because of my stroke, because I am fighting every day to become better, but it’s because of the coronavirus. I talk to my friends who are flying empty planes or are not flying due to canceled flights. I hear the fear in their voice, I hear the panic. My mother said earlier this week “we should work on getting your stuff out of your storage and closer to home”. I just stared at her confused. It’s like she’s already counted the airline industry out. I refuse to do so because I know I’ll return to the job that I love. We have survived tough times before, and as flight attendants we ‘Always make it work’. Do I have a fear of what’s next? Yes. I can not lose this job because one of my meds is $230 WITH insurance, almost double without. I fear going back, only to be furloughed. I was rushing to get better, to go back to work- to laugh on a jumpseat with my friends, to joke about the cute passenger in 11D. These days, I’m reminding myself to slow down… what’s there to rush back to? DANIELLE Y. — 31

It’s scary that I might infect my son or have to be quarantined away from him. The idea of not being able to hug or kiss my son for 14+ days scares me. I’m worried every time I step on an aircraft. Is someone going to make me sick? With all of these rumors about a total aviation shutdown, will I even be able to get back home? TAYLOR M. — 37

The feeling of losing everything was gradual yet sudden. No one in the industry could’ve predicted what was to come. Before the rumors of quarantines and statewide shutdowns, I moved across the country – my ultimate life dream. I finally felt stability within myself & my income, until two weeks later when our airline was in talks of involuntary furloughs. They asked for us to take a leave of absence simply because they couldn’t pay to keep all 25,000 flight attendants on the payroll. With no one or nothing to catch me if I fail, not knowing if I’d ever had an income from the career I gave everything to was debilitating. While internal panic ensued, there was a moment I stopped to be thankful that this came at a time in my life where I could take this heavy hit. No one is dependent on me, I am healthy and young enough to start on another path if need be. Through the fog of anxiety, I found clarity by deeply knowing I’d find a way to make it work, that’s what I’ve done time & time again. Whatever the outcome, there’s no other way than to make it work. GINA D. — 27

Working as a flight attendant through the age of COVID-19 feels out of this world. It’s something no one has experienced before, there’s a lot of strange energy that comes with it. I listen to my coworkers worry about their health and job security. I hear the stress in their voice when they mention their lifestyle changes and the fear of the unknown… their safety and their comfort. As a flight attendant, our daily lives revolve around change. We’ve learned to navigate and adapt to different cities, cultures, and time zones. But this is a hard reality to adapt to. We’re used to moving so fast and now the whole world had screeched to a halt. I see the worry in passengers’ eyes as they sadly come to terms with their canceled vacations, weddings and events they’ve been saving up for. I hear coworkers reflect on the state of the aviation industry throughout the months that followed 9/11- to my surprise, most of them agree that the uncertainty we’re facing today is far worse. And yet I’m still grateful during these times of madness. If anything, its brought us closer. We still have each other to lift up and motivate to keep healthy and calm through it all. When this is all said and done, we will pick ourselves up and come out stronger than before. Turbulent situations are nothing new to us. To be a flight attendant is to be flexible. To take the crappy hands that we’re dealt with poise and grace. We feign a smile and roll with the punches. Ever-adapting, ever-capable. Yes, these are trying times, but we’re the industry’s first responders and last line of defense. We’re a resilient bunch, having gone through terrorist attacks, emergency landings, births, heart attacks, and strokes. The airline industry will inevitably rebound. I’m toying with the idea of taking a leave of absence. What to do till then? I don’t know. Take up a hobby, perhaps. Maybe I’ll take up coding. Maybe I’ll practice with my tarot cards. I have a feeling that this leave is a blessing in disguise. After all, it was the same wise woman who said: “Life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything’s gone wrong.” KARINE — 26

When this is all said and done, we will pick ourselves up and come out stronger than before. Why? Because bumpy situations are nothing new to us. To be a flight attendant is to be flexible! We know how to feign a smile and roll with the punches. Always adapting, always capable. We’re a resilient bunch, having gone through terrorist attacks, emergency landings, births, deaths, heart attacks- you name it.

A lot of us are being pushed to pursue what we’ve put on the back burner for years. After all, it was the same wise woman who said “Life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything’s gone wrong.” I’m gonna miss slurring “one more please” in whatever native tongue is spoken in the foreign bar I’m at with coworkers. I’m gonna miss visiting random breweries and metaphysical shops on layovers. But its not the end of the world, even though it sure as hell feels like it. What are we doing in the meantime? I have flying family who are going to work on family farms, and others who are turning their hobbies into businesses. Some are becoming EMTs and others are going back to teaching. As for me, I’m focusing on becoming a developer. I guess its fair to say that I’ve traded airport codes for html codes and safety cards for tarot cards. We may have been dealt crappy hands, but we know how to handle them with poise and grace.

Soon, we will establish our new normal; whatever that may look like. While we may be using our planes for supplies and first responders these days, soon we’ll be transporting loved ones for overdue embraces. Soon, we can argue about whether or not your bag fits (it doesn’t) and how far back the exit row reclines (they don’t). While we may be using our planes for supplies and first responders these days, soon we’ll be transporting loved ones for overdue embraces. I’m ready to greet excited newlyweds en route to their honeymoon, along with elderly couples shuffling towards their 50th anniversary. I’m ready to comfort first-time fliers taking the first step towards the vacation of a lifetime. I’m ready to welcome back our frequent fliers who trust us to get them where they need to be quickly and safely. I’m ready for takeoff.