I’m going to be completely honest here and let everyone know that after our loss, I didn’t feel as though I would be okay inside until our rainbow appeared after our storm. I can’t tell you why I felt this way, I just did. I knew I would never stop going over the WHAT IFS in my head until that day came. What if EVERYONE who I love had been supportive and ACKNOWLEDGING of this baby, and I didn’t have any additional stress in my life? What if my 3 day headache and my nasal simplex outbreak both were warning signs I ignored. What if I didn’t lose my ever loving mind when I had to take my kitty, Gizmo, to a local shelter whom I was suspicious of- which I thought might euthanize him for no reason instead of spraying him like they promised me…why did I have to stress out so much?! What if I hadn’t lifted XYZ that weighed a lot? What if I didn’t go to the chiropractor the days prior to our miscarriage?

All the things. All of them.

We wanted a “cactus baby” from our Mexico trip. As luck would have it, I was ovulating that very first day there. It was a sign wasn’t it? Nope, didn’t happen.

What if I can never get pregnant again? What if all the babies I carry from here on out die?

People say not to think or speak these things, as if it will sway what is going to happen in the future. Well, I have the right to say and think these things because I am a normal, scared, grieving human. Also, when you’ve been clinically diagnosed with extreme anxiety for 11-13 years, you can’t shut these thoughts out. You cannot will them away, the best you can do is think them in your head and not speak them out loud, so that nobody will scold you for thinking what you think or feeling how you feel. That isn’t very healthy either, is it?

Finally, on an October morning, our day came. The day we got to see the rainbow. Well, it wasn’t a real rainbow, it was more like a faint pink line. That very day, I got the worst stomach virus. But, still, I got to dry heave under my beautiful rainbow. See how I was positive there for one time?! Write that down.

I tried to tell my husband in a cute way with Starbucks cups…I had all our names on them…then one itty bitty cup with the name “baby” on it…and he didn’t understand. Total announcement fail. That’s neither here nor there, excitement ensued, then I threw all of my Starbucks up and never went there again. It’s not the same once you taste your Starbucks in vomit. Never again.

(You have no idea what a pain in the butt the above photo was to edit. After about 3 hours, and it still lookin sloppy, I said screw it, I’m finished!!!)

The wait for our first appointment seemed like FOREVER. You know I tormented myself everyday too, right. Because it’s who I am as a person. I had a billion dollar store pregnancy tests and every few days I would take one to see if the line was getting darker to show myself that I wasn’t losing the baby. Every bathroom trip, I would wipe and examine the tissue, to make sure there were no traces of blood.

Finally, our appointment came and we saw this little tiny alien speck on the ultrasound and saw the heart flickering. We were 6 weeks, not 8 like we thought, so there wasn’t much to see. I was grateful to see that flicker though. It wasn’t nothing. Our doctor let us know everything looked great and that we have a Fourth of July baby on our hands!

(There’s my husband waiting on his Pap smear)

I was pretty green for the next little while. Our ten week appointment came last week. I brought along my husband and the two big kids to see the baby. Can I tell you I was DREADING this appointment? All day, I wanted to call and cancel it. I wanted to just say “let’s wait until 20 weeks to look at it again”. You’ll note that this is not normal behavior, it is behavior associated with a loss, and the fear of that office confirming another loss. I boohooed that morning over the fear I had. I almost lost it driving to the appointment…I mean what will we tell the kids if the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat this time? They’ll be there with us!!!! Finally, it was time to see our little firework baby. And the visual was instant to me, usually they have to dig around to find it, but as soon as the machine hit my belly, I saw a flash of that baby. After a little pressing, we immediately heard the loud heartbeat and I could see the baby’s arms and legs moving around like crazy. It was like God knew that I needed that. With the baby we lost, I never saw that. I almost lost it again, but because I was so relieved this baby was alive. But I really HATE crying in front of strangers and I think that’s the ONLY thing that reeled the tears back inside my eyeballs. I overheard the kids arguing…Buddy thinks it looks like a baby dinosaur…and Harper is too smart for her age and knew it was a baby baby…so the heated debate began between those two. I didn’t confirm to either which child was correct. Because the baby dinosaur theory is really cute.

I used to do these really need questions on every blog post regarding weekly milestones. I’m going to try to do that with baby firework too! So let me make my first attempt to get back into the milestone game here:

TEN WEEKS

Size of the baby:

Baby firework is the size of a strawberry right now.

Milestones FOR baby firework:

According to the bump, Baby has working arm joints, and cartilage and bones are forming.

Baby’s vital organs are fully developed and they’re starting to function.

Baby’s fingernails and hair are starting to appear too.

Weight Gain:

i will not touch base on this topic for EVERY post. I have already gained 15 pounds. Now, I really believe this is a coymbination between the loss we experienced in the summer combined with the new baby cravings. Also, I drink so much water and Gatorade, that I’m constantly bloated in my belly area. I’m just SO THIRSTY. Homegirl needs to get QUENCHED!!!!!

Movement:

This is a luxury I have only been able to SEE via an ultrasound machine. I won’t be able to feel it until 14-18 weeks.

What I miss:

a full nights rest. And by that, I mean, give me like 6 hours of sleep, PLEASE!!!! I sleep around 3-4 hours a night because of a medication change, and the frequent urge to pee.

Cravings:

Fazzolis meat sauce

Sushi…specifically the kind with steak in it!

Blackberries, all of them…in the entire world. I’m serious. I eat 2-4 large boxes of blackberries PER DAY, people. It is not normal.

Pizza

Dippin dots. (Which are rather elusive in Alabama)

Sprite with rabbit ice

I’m excited about:

To know the gender of this child! We should actually know THIS WEEK if I’m having a baby dinosaur or a baby unicorn. The debate is on whether or not to do something cute together to find out.

I’m nervous about:

Future appointments, how fat I’m going to get, and for the results of the genetic testing we just sent off.

Working while very pregnant. I will work up until my due date unless I am put on bed rest.

Preparations for baby:

This is mainly done in discussion. Like, the baby’s room will be our room. The crib will go where my desk currently is. My desk/work area will probably hop around to various rooms in the house until I find the spot that feels just right to work in.

We do have this baby some wubbanub pacifiers already. I wanted something little just to have FOR the baby. I did not have anything like that for the last baby. The best I had was a necklace I got at a maternity store that was meant to be on my future cute belly. I still love to wear it.

(That necklace)