A manager is key to being a successful comedian, which is why I never had one. Did I not have one because I was not successful or was I not successful because I did not have one? Yes. A manager helps comics get bookings all over, they may assist in college bookings, or clubs outside the city. Usually they have a relationship with a comedy or elks club somewhere in the boondocks and they get a cut of whatever the fee is that they are paying the comic.

Several of my road comic friends had managers and used them to great effect. If the comic booked a few college shows, which tended to be earlier, they would ask their manager to find some later shows in the same area to make the trip more profitable. While I was not a road comic, I knew from friends how razor thin the profit margin was on the road, and that anything helped. If a manager and comic had a successful relationship there was money to be made in the business of show.

Being a road comic had an allure to it. Getting paid to make people laugh, traveling around various states, this was what could make you strong as a comic. On the flip side, many “city comics” thought being on the road was easy. The audiences were so desperate for a laugh and had no other choices for entertainment. Not like the fancy city folk who had ten comedy clubs to choose from. I had to find out for myself, I had read “on the road” one too many times.

I had tried a few times to try and get “in” with a manager. I had sent some video tapes, sometimes with a cover letter that painfully tried to be funny. I never heard back, or got my tapes back. I should have known better. Like bartenders who walk into a place looking for employment by saying they passed their bartender certification, the normal way would never work. I needed to know someone who was already in with a manager. Luckily, after a few years in the comedy business someone actually recommended me to their manager, Gary Paul.

I had heard of Gary and he seemed legit. He worked with a lot of low to mid level comics. He was not representing anyone major or putting anyone up in an HBO special, but he was getting work for comics. Having someone recommend me to him felt like I was going to go somewhere with my comedy, it was validation from another comic and soon to be money from people I did not know. I was told to call Gary and he would work everything out, so with much anticipation I did.

Gary told me he already had a gig hosting a show about 20 miles north of NYC that upcoming Friday, the pay would be $50. I didn’t balk at the pay, thinking it would be nice just to tell jokes to people I did not know and actually get paid. I hesitated at the bad news I had to tell him.

“That’s great Gary, but I have to let you know. I don’t have a car, the downside of being a city comic” I told him trying not to let my voice break. I thought this would be the end of the gig before it started.

“No worries” he assured me, “here is the number of the comic who is headlining the show, he can give you a ride there and back, he lives in the city”.

Wow, I thought, this guy is on point he was making it easy. I wrote down the name and number of the comic, Bill, and quickly thanked Gary. When I hung up the phone I immediately called Bill and left a message on his voicemail. Today was Tuesday so we had plenty of time to arrange when and where to meet.

Two days and several voicemails later I had still not heard back from Bill and started to worry. I called Gary. “Gary” I said “I hope I am not being a pain in the ass but Bill has not got back to me and the gig is tomorrow”. Was I worrying too much I wondered?

“Fucking Bill” Gary said “Can I call you back in five minutes? What’s your number?”

I had given it to him the other day but repeated it for his sake. Gary has a lot of numbers of comics to keep track of.

Two hours later her called back. “Call Bill now, he is home” and Gary hung up. Gary is a busy man.

I called Bill again, “Hi Bill, this is Mark Manne, I am hoping to get a ride up with you to the gig tomorrow”.

“here’s the thing Mark” Bill told me “I didn’t even know about this gig till ten minutes ago” That seemed strange I thought. “and I already have a gig near there, so for me to come back into the city just to turn around and drive back up with you don’t make no fucking sense”.

Bill seemed a little rough around the edges, but he did have logic to his reasoning, he continued, “there is a train station that is just a half mile away, why don’t you take the train there? Then I will give you a ride back after the show”. Once again, he was making sense. I knew the train would cost money and cut into my “profit” but I wasn’t really doing this for the money. Besides, when Bill tells Gary what kind of team player I am (besides being funny) Gary would be sure to book me on more gigs.

I assured Bill I would take the train, that I would see him at the show, and we would have a great time together. I really appreciated him figuring out a way for me to get there.

The next day I jumped on the train with excitement, the ticket cost $18 leaving me with only $32 before I paid out Gary. Still, a profit was a profit. The train ran a little late, but I had some breathing room so I made the one mile (not half mile) walk to the hotel where the gig was. I entered the room and looked around. It was a typical hotel event room, big and cavernous, with tables near the stage. As I walked in there was a sign made up declaring tonight “Friday Night Funnies”. I was here on a Friday and ready to be funny. Gary had told me Melissa would be the contact person so I found the person with the clipboard.

“Hi, you must be Melissa, I’m Mark, the host of the show tonight” I declared with glee.

“Where are the other comics?” Melissa asked me, I could tell she was a little pissed off. Not at me though, I was there on time.

“I don’t know, Bill told me he was coming from upstate, he should be here soon”. Melissa told me which table to the side I could sit at so I made my way over there. Soon a second person was talking to Melissa and she directed him my way.

I greeted him with a warm “Hey Bill”. “I am not Bill, I’m Mike…I am the opener” he replied. No worries. Bill was headlining the show, and would be here shortly I figured. Mike and I made the normal comic small talk of; where do you perform? Where are you out of? Etc when a third man joined us. “Bill?” I asked. Nope. This was the middle comic of the evening. Bill was still nowhere to be found…and the show was about to start.

No worries I thought. Bill did not have to go one for at least an hour he will be here soon. So I went up and did my thing. The show was good. About 100 locals came out looking to laugh, there was a bridesmaid party that reacted badly if you took attention off of them but they weren’t unruly. The host role was not one I was very good at but had done it enough to know the ropes. I warmed them up like I was supposed to do.

The first comic went on and I headed back to the table. Still no sign of Bill, I started to get concerned but not worried. I soon found my way back on stage doing more of my normal set, then announcing the second comic. As he took the stage I sat back down to find Bill sitting with us. “Bill!” I said, “I was getting nervous you got stuck in traffic”.

“John” he told me “my name is John”.

“Oh, I am sorry John, but this table is really just for the comics to sit at” I told him politely.

“I am a comic” he replied, “I am on this show as the headliner”.

I stared at him blankly.

“Gary called me today and asked me to come over” he said.

I stared at him for a few more moments “then you must be Bill”.

“John” he said.

It slowly dawned on me that this was John, not Bill. Bill was not coming, Bill did not give me a ride up to the gig, and now Bill was not giving me a ride back to NYC. “If you are not Bill, yet you are on this show…how are you getting back to the city?” I asked John.

“I don’t live in the city” John told me quizzically. I excused myself from the table and found Melissa, after doing some rough math Melissa and I concluded that there was no way I would catch the last train back to NYC after the show. The next one would be about five hours later she told me.

I was pissed. I started running through scenarios in my head. I could wait the five hours for the next train to murder Gary, I could take a cab back to the city to murder Gary, or I could sleep in the hotel lobby for the night, wake up early to catch the first morning train to go into the city to murder Gary. I kind of liked that idea, as I would most likely need my strength.

The second comedian finished up and I took the stage to introduce John. I had intended to just bring him right up, but the bridal party started up again, asking if the last comic was single.

“No clue” I told them “are you looking to take him home?” when a light bulb went off. I proceeded to tell the audience about my predicament, and I asked if anyone was heading back to the city could I please get a ride. They laughed. They laughed not with me, but at me….truth be known it was probably the biggest laugh I got all night. I introduced John, got off stage, and stewed in a corner. John killed on stage…..every laugh tore through me. Of course it had nothing to do with him, but a reverse schadenfreude took hold. Every time, he succeeded with a joke I felt worse about my situation. John did a forty five minute set, and when done I had to go back on stage to finish out the night.

I did a terse “thanks for coming, big round of applause for all our comics, including Mike and Bill. Seriously, if anyone is heading to New York city, I could use a ride” that got a big laugh. I said goodnight then trailed off. I looked at the clock to confirm my earlier calculus. I had missed the train. The next one would be in a few hours leaving me with time to kill and plot my murder. Melissa approached me and handed me a check for my work, and walked away as I stood there watching the rest of the audience shuffle out of the room.

This was pathetic I thought. Having to pay for a train ride home would cut my profit down to next to nothing. I didn’t do anything special while on stage. This is what I had been jealous of? Doing comedy for nickels in front of bachelorette parties? This is one of those shitty gigs, I thought. A gig that would make my first appearance on David Letterman that much sweeter (never happened).

Even with that one bright thought, I must have looked pitiful. A room full of people emptying out, and me sitting at the table sucking down a soda all alone with nowhere to go. The cleaning staff had already started to file in and vacuum when I looked up to find a woman standing in front of the table.

“Do you really need a ride to the city?” she asked over the noise of the cleaning crew.

Dead serious I answered, “yes, yes I do”.

She was heading back to Jersey, and while was not heading into Manhattan could drop me off at a closer metro north station where I could take a local train back in. I quickly said yes and thanked her. “I am only making $32 for this gig, but I will gladly fill up part of your gas tank” I offered. She politely declined, with a sad look in her eyes. I didn’t think anyone could have more sympathy for me.

We made small talk along the way, I don’t remember much about her, or even her name but I was thankful that she magically appeared when she did and took pity on me. I was embarrassed about the whole thing, so when we got to the station I said a quick thank you and jumped out. I made my way back into the city for a few more bucks. The total cost back and forth was over half of the $50 I made.

I was supposed to contact Gary the following Monday. At 10% I should have given him $5 of the cash I made. Fuck him and his lousy planning, I thought. When I get to his office he can suck my dick for five bucks, and I will only give him four. I never made it back to his office, I never called him again, and he never tried to collect his money.

Thus ended my career as a road comic. I had a few more gigs on the road here and there, but I never enjoyed that life style. One mistake and your money goes *poof* into the ether. On another road show with a comic later in my career, he got a ticket before we even got out of NYC. I remember him saying “I am now going to this gig, just for the money to pay for this ticket I got going to this gig:”

That was the sum of road comedy.