Always saluting. You'll be saluting so much you'll be sick of saluting.

Donald Trump rolls out his plan for molding the kids today into proper Americans.

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump today told veterans from across country that he would require patriotism to be taught in schools [...] In addition to teaching patriotism in schools, he called for students to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. “We will stop apologizing for America, and we will start celebrating America,” he said. “We will be united by our common cultures, values, and principles, becoming one American nation, one country under the one constitution, saluting one American flag—always saluting.”

The reason I've called you in both in today, Mr. and Mrs. Turner, is that little Billy is getting a B in Patriotism this semester and I think it's something we need to look at. In his last homework assignment I asked him to come up with six reasons he loves America, and he was only able to come up with five. His P.E. teacher reports that his saluting is sub-par; the form is acceptable, but we're looking for a more snappy execution in the elbow and at the wrist. These would by themselves be only a matter of general concern, but I'm told that at lunch earlier this week he was saying some somewhat unsavory things about America's generous resettlement of native populations.

Now we've noticed that these sorts of things generally tend to start at home, and so I have to ask—is your household fostering a nurturing patriotic environment? I presume Billy has a flag in his room—have you noticed any drop-off in form, during his bedtime salutes? Are his television habits being monitored? National Geographic is fine, it’s a Fox production now, but I hope you've been getting the notes we've been sending home about the Cooking Channel.

I'm sure I don't need to remind you both that we here at Eric Trump Middle School take patriotism very seriously, and while a B effort in most classes would count as a fine grade, the president himself has directed that students with a semester grade of B+ or lower in Patriotism be referred to patriotism camp. There is still time for Billy to get his grade up, but it's going to require some work. He’ll be needing to come in for extracurricular patriotism activities after school. This week we'll be egging the house of ... let's see, Gerald Stutch, whose family was recently deported for mentioning segregation. I believe Billy and Gerald knew each other, if our files are right. We're all just one big happy family here!

So will Billy be able to attend? Oh, good, I was certain we could make this work. One other thing, I've noticed that his uniform could use a good pressing. He must be such a handful at home!