INVESTORS have withdrawn a bid for Tottenham Hotspur after seeing them in action.

Going to try eBay

Cain Hoy executives attended Wednesday’s Capital One game against Nottingham Forest to give them a taste of the team in action but during a goalless first half several of them slipped into mild comas.

Consortium head Nikki Hollis said: We’d had a chat with Malcolm Glazer about how investing in English football was a great way of making a fortune without doing any work.

“He also recommended it as a way of annoying millions of arseholes which, while not financially lucrative, is always fun.

But Erik Lamela? Chas and Dave?

“No.”

Hollis said: Oh, and the pies? Seriously, what the fuck?

Spurs had hoped the investment would allow them to purchase their first striker since Jurgen Klinnsman and employ a songwriter to create a chant that does not involve Arsenal.

Cain Hoy were due to make a cash offer for the team in the region of eight figures, if you include the two numbers after the decimal point.

An earlier ‘one billion’ valuation of the club was dismissed, unless the currency in question was the Mark during the hyperinflation-hit Weimar Republic of the 1920s.