ED Miliband will take money from pensioners so he can bribe students who are going to vote Labour anyway.

Unveiling the ‘idea’, the Labour leader said he would cut tuition fees by taxing pensioners, ‘because they never vote, so no-one cares what they think’.

He added: “Students are the most popular and valued members of our society and every hard working Briton wants them to be as comfortable as possible.

“Pensioners in particular will be delighted to hand over money because they love to see young people sitting around all day doing cannabis and oral sex.”

Student Tom Logan said: “Like any normal person I’m going to vote Labour until I get a job.

“I’m a student and even I know this is a massively stupid idea, but it would be rude to turn it down.”

Logan’s grandmother, Janet, added: “No. Fucking. Way.”