November 7th, 2340, Earth Federation

by Andrew Barisser

Silk Road 317.0, the infamous drug and thought-crime exchange website, has been shut down by United Earth Federation authorities. In a win for regulation 637 of the UEF Criminal Code, section 7b-m, the illegal exchange was shut down by heroic governmental agents wielding keyboards. Traded on the site were dangerous, mood-altering substances, long banned by the UEF health institute. “This is a final, conclusive win for law enforcement” government officials said. “The threat of free exchange between consenting individuals has been ended, for good this time.”

The site was notorious for trading dangerous substances known for their negative health consequences. One chemical, known as ‘Sucrose’, is known to give users periods of high energy, followed by bouts of lethargy. It has been implicated with numerous diseases. The UEF health institute, benevolently caring for us on our own behalf, has banned the substance for centuries. “If it isn’t good for you, it should be illegal” states their proud motto.

Pure, uncut Sucrose

The suspected operator of Silk Road 317.0, Ziffer Graf-Omega 8, was apprehended in San Francisco sipping a $2,500.00 latte next to an exclusive used clothing shop. As he was led to jail, he was quoted saying “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I actually went to jail?!” His confession, later stated that he was “meta double-ironically guilty, so yea…”. Ziffer’s vast hoard of Bitcoin from the site, totalling 0.013 BTC, will massively boost the city’s budget this year.

Ziffer Graf-Omega 8, Alleged Proprietor of Silk Road 317.0

In the larger fight against hackers and free expression on the Internet, a burly liberal-arts-major-turned-FBI agent, Hank Ridley, expressed his optimism. “We can totally win long-term against the Internet. This stamp and this certificate give me that authority.”

Leading Democrats agreed. “It is government’s job to make sure no one gets hurt, ever, no matter what the cost.” Said another politician, with a PhD in Social Engineering, “I’d rather restrict a thousand liberties than let one sugary drink free.”

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