Oh, hello, there.

You don’t know me. I don’t even follow you on Twitter or any other social media outlet. But for some reason I found your artwork/article/original writing/tweet and I know you’re just dying to find out what I, a man you’ve never met, thinks of it.

Have you considered that you [insert personal creative work] is actually an example of reverse sexism and/or racism? As a man (I am a man, you know. A white man. With important opinions), I’m extremely offended by this. If a man did this, he would literally be stoned to death. No, that is not an exaggeration. I have a link to a scientific survey of 100 people from 10 year ago to prove it.

One thing I cannot stand is women always generalizing about men. All of you. All of you are always generalizing. All the time. You should know that generalizations are always wrong, and if there is even one person who does not fit your generalization (i.e., me), then the entire thought is wrong. Do you need me to pull out my dictionary definition of generalization? Because I can. And I will. Don’t try to dissuade me with a list of your so-called credentials and advanced degrees. It’s my pleasure to educate you on your ignorance. It’s my calling.

Speaking of education, I, a man (if you have not already noticed), should tell you that your [insert personal creative work] is factually wrong. Yes, even that doodle of you and your cat. Cats do not have cartoon eyes, madam. And yes, I am fully aware that you were joking. Of course I am. I am a man. And men are, of course, much funnier than women and can sense when someone is telling a joke. Perhaps you would like me to explain how a joke works? No, no, please don’t feel obligated to list those credentials. I have watched several episodes of Saturday Night Live and Whose Line Is it Anyway?, and I know what I’m talking about.

Plus, you have a typo, which is an unforgivable attack on my senses. I, for one, only misspell words and use incorrect grammar on purpose. It’s ironic. You, a woman, wouldn’t get it.

At this point, I want to casually mention that I think you’re attractive. I, a man, have needs, after all. Of course, if you refuse me, I will change my mind dramatically and call you an overweight whore who would never get a man like me. Or at all. You can keep trying to pretend you’re not interested. Or that you’re married. Or that you’re a lesbian. But I know that you only want to please me. And why not? I’m a man, you know.

Why are you getting so defensive? I’m merely engaging you in a conversation. Women get so sensitive every time a man personally attacks them online. Do you see men getting all offended at every little thing? Of course not. We let things roll off our backs and we get on with life. You should really learn to grow a thicker skin and stop wasting your time tweeting at strangers.

I hope, no, I know, I’ve helped you today. And even though you’ve blocked me, I know that I’ve truly enriched in your life. You’re so welcome.