Designer Crocs – Scotland

At StyleCrawler, our remit is to report on emerging fashion trends around the world. We pride ourselves on being ahead of the curve, tiptoeing along the cutting edge, privy to the very latest incarnations from the designer underground. Our ears are firmly pressed to the ground and bums seated at the high-table of fashionistas. We stir the bubbling cauldron of ideas – ideas that eventually bleed into the mainstream – worn by commoners, commandeered by David Beckham and abused by the riffraff – by which time we’re in fifth gear, heading for the hills.

With this in mind, you’ll understand why I projectile vomited when my editor suggested that I write about the new line of designer Crocs Clogs by Christopher Kane.

In my opinion, Crocs are the very epitome of sexless functionality, only to be worn behind the closed doors of slippery commercial kitchens and hospital operating theatres. Under no circumstances should these be worn in public, and by no stretch of the imagination considered fashionable. For us at StyleCrawler, to see a person wearing Crocs in public symbolises middle-aged submission, where men quietly trade in in their fashion sensibilities for comfort.

Like many people, I’m personally afflicted with the medical condition Crocophobia – a clinical phobia of Crocs. Once in close proximity, a Crocophobic is instantly struck with a pang of revulsion, similar to the feeling of unknowingly treading on an innocent snail; that unsettling crunch, the feeling of needless suffering, the mess on the ground – disgust and remorse intertwined.

But one man’s Ferrari is another’s expensive, uneconomical and environmentally irresponsible ego extender. And Crocs are very much the Marmite of the footwear world. Love them or hate them – the decision is binary. There’s no middle ground, no fence sitters; it’s one or the other.

Christopher Kane’s new line of limited edition tiger-print Crocs with ostrich feather and metallic flower decorations will neither win over the haters nor suddenly cure Crocophobia. No, he’s merely preaching to the converted, fuelling the fire and solidifying our own position.

But let us end with a positive spin: Crocs, in some way, represent the free-world – the ability to express ourselves without recourse, however offensive this expression is deemed by the opposition. Christopher Kane might be more than just a designer, which is just a cover for his true raison d’etre: a tester of tolerances, social experimenter, brink-master extraordinaire and democratic saviour.

Politics and fashion rarely dovetail, but Kane may have a higher purpose: saving the free-world, via bedazzled footwear.