by

Micah J. Fleck

[dropcap size=small]A[/dropcap]nd so, it has come down to this – with little to no actual criticism left to hurl in Rand Paul‘s direction, the vacuous multitudes of news media – represented as the dismembered jabbering capitulum we all love to hate – have decided enough is enough, drawn a line in the sand, and begun to analyze the vertical stature of the Republican presidential hopeful as a legitimate means of criticism.

I wish I were joking.

But it’s not a recent phenomenon, judging one’s leadership abilities on how high his head rests above the ground – in fact, in Rand Paul’s case alone, we can find this same argument being used against him as early as two years ago, with Ann Coulter and Michael Savage – fellow conservatives who in theory should want to help support Paul – scathing the man for his height, and even making it into a joke (likely in the hopes that such criticism will be echoed faster in such a humorous form). What solidarity – I can’t possibly imagine why the Republican Party is in such disarray right now with as strong inner support as that going on.

But even aside from Paul, nearly every shorter presidential candidate in recent memory has been criticized for being so in the news. John McCain being vertically challenged was referred to as his “tiny problem” by The Guardian back in 2008. Barack Obama, otherwise everyone’s favorite in news media, was even questioned, finally – not because of his arguably murderous drone program, nor due to his poor understanding of markets, but because he was … and prepare yourselves, fair readers … shorter than Mitt Romney, who ran against him in 2o12. People actually suspected Obama might lose to Romney simply because the latter figure stood taller in a line-up. It’s good to know the news media machine does have standards after all, and that nobody, not even the current, inexplicable darling of the left Obama, is exempt.

On its face, of course, this appears to be madness – who cares how tall the president is? And besides, this couldn’t possibly have any real bearing on who ultimately wins the presidential race, could it?

Oh, beautiful, lovely correlation – how you are so simultaneously loved and misunderstood by the masses who embrace you for their own ends. You are truly a shining diamond among stones. However, as any fair-minded person knows, you are not the same thing as causation. Should that distinction matter? Only to everyone. Does it? No. For you see, there is now a tangible record gathered and ordered by political scientists known as the Presidential Height Index in which every presidential candidate since the year 1900 is measured up in order to determine how often the taller candidate ultimately takes the White House. The answer? 19 times – while the shorter candidate only won 8.

But as already established, this is probably just coincidence and means nothing. That hasn’t stopped the political analysts of the world, however, from making a huge deal about it and utilizing candidate height as a predictor tool for how likely it is that he/she will actually win. The aforementioned Presidential Height Index adds legitimacy to this methodology, and so it seems to not even be questioned or scoffed at once under the astucious dome of modern news media. Outside of the beast, however, those of us who still consider ourselves journalists without drinking the Kool-Aid are befuddled and exasperated at the notion that such superfluous (and indeed, innocuous) observations could be taken seriously.

And so we come back around to Rand Paul, the latest campaigner to be targeted by this legitimized nonsense. Imagine if you can, just for a moment, that, just as we live in a universe that is mostly toxic to life, we likewise operate within a political environment that is mostly toxic to truth. And while our species has managed to make refuge for ourselves on this 4-billion-year-old rock in a rather unimpressive corner of the cosmos, we still haven’t quite figured out how to do the same for those among us who truly want to utilize political ability to do good and honor their fellow human beings. Devoid of such strategies, wouldn’t such an existence necessitate, then, a battle of ideologies? Wouldn’t the system itself be designed to innately chew up and spit out the politicians who tell the truth? Until we figure it out, the aforementioned climate will remain the only arena our current system can operate in.

So when Rand Paul challenged the president over his drone program, or when he filibustered the senate floor once again to try and bring an end to the most harmful elements of the PATRIOT Act, he was making himself a target. But he did it for us – all of us. And as his fellow Americans, we owe him a debt of support and honest treatment whenever he finds himself once again blasted in the media. Even something as petty and seemingly irrelevant as his height might and has come under fire, and we need to know the history behind such tactics in order to know how to best combat them.

For now, at least, it seems the cronies have nothing better to do than pick on Rand’s height, but consider this practice for the next wave of even more severe hit jobs surely to come – don’t just stand by and let it happen. Call it out for what it is – stupid, politically motivated bullshit.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a story on how being only 5’7” means Lindsay Graham will never be president.