Sami Holden questions whose responsibility it is to label a relationship as exclusive.

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Dear Sami,

I’m in my early twenties, done with college, finally in the real world, and am trying to see what is out there for dating. With where I’m at, I’ve found it isn’t the easiest to meet new people without turning to on-line dating. The new people I do meet are either fellow musicians I interact with at open mic nights or sometimes girls back from where I went to college. The problem with meeting girls through mutual friends at the college I went to, is that it’s about a two hour commute from where I live now. It’s not an ideal situation. I went on two dates over the course of a month with one girl. Again, the commute isn’t great so it’s hard to see her frequently, although I did enjoy hanging out with her. She told me on our second date that she is still a virgin which I’m fine with. We made out, but nothing more than that. I was trying to be very respectful of where she’s at in life. She asked where I thought things were at. I told her honestly I wasn’t sure, but it was something we could sort out after I came back from a family vacation I was about to go on. Before the vacation, I went out with another girl, and had a third girl ask me out although no definitive plans were made. I tried to text the initial girl after there was a delayed response on my part (cell phone signal issues while on vacation). I apologized for the delay and expected to hear back. Nothing. I tried again. Nothing. I sent a text asking if something was wrong. She told me that she felt like I had made her a back-up option, and because of my small social circle it had gotten back to her that she was not the only person I was seeing. It seemed fairly new in getting to know each other to declare that she was my girlfriend. I am dating with the hopes of ending up in a relationship. Was I in the wrong to continue to make dates with other people?

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Signed,

I’m Not a Heart-breaker Type

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Dear I’m Not a Heart-breaker Type,

As I’ve referenced time and time again, there are people who sign up to be on reality TV show where they are one of many people dating one guy. Maybe she was frustrated that you couldn’t take her to Fiji for the third date? I’ve gone on dates with multiple people within a week. Especially when you are young, a big point of dating is trying to figure out what you are looking for in a significant other. As long as you aren’t leaving a trail of destruction in your path, there shouldn’t be a problem. I haven’t been in this exact situation, but if you understand I can only address this from similar experience and not from being licensed to do so, please continue.

In my younger years I would sometimes have a few dates a week. I learned eventually that I wasn’t truly getting to know anyone I was going out with. I also stress out before first dates, and you can imagine how much of an anxiety-ridden week I could create for myself. Around dates four or five, if I still liked being around them, I would probably say: “I am deactivating my profile on ________. I don’t know where you stand on deactivating your profile. I won’t ask you to do so if you aren’t ready, but that is where I am at.” As I got a little older, I decided I found it more enjoyable to only go out on dates with one person at a time. I might tell whomever I was seeing from the get-go that I only go on dates with one person at a time because I found it easier to get to know someone by just focusing on them, but again, they were free to approach dating how they needed to. I was entering into dating by doing what was right for me.

Two dates seems too soon to have that level of expectations for another person. Is it too soon to declare yourself exclusive? No, everyone is different. However, it was unfair for her to make the assumption all on her own. If she wanted to know if you were seeing other people, she should have asked. She might not have been mature or confident enough to do so. In order to get adult answers, you have to ask the uncomfortable adult questions about exclusivity.

Exclusivity is something that should never be assumed. Maybe it’s because a vast majority of my dating experiences have occurred through on-line sites, but I always went with the mindset that unless otherwise discussed, the other person was likely seeing other people. Some people do not feel comfortable casually dating someone who is also being physically intimate with others at the same time. Some people find that monogamous relationships do not work for them, and they may only want exclusivity in a polyamorous relationship. This is why the most important thing in dating is communication. If she wanted to know if you were seeing other people, the responsibility was on her to ask. If you at any point felt the need to have the relationship become monogamous and exclusive, it would’ve been on you to discuss that with her. It is up to each individual person to address their needs within a relationship.

Virginity has nothing to do with this. You were not having sex with her. Just because you made out with her, it doesn’t mean that you were tied to a contract. Physicality should never be used as a means to acquire a relationship. Just as exclusivity doesn’t guarantee all-of-the-time sex.

If you are near a large city with many potential options to date, I would recommend sticking to a closer proximity. It may seem more convenient to go back to those college days and find someone from where you went to school. Perhaps you’re no longer on the same level as they are. It may be a bit unnerving to branch out into uncharted territory, but maybe you’ll find someone very cool who is at your level. There’s nothing wrong with dating around, just be honest with your intentions.

Here’s for better dating days ahead,

~Sami

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Send your pressing questions for Sami to answer for Dating in the Digital Age to [email protected].

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