Viz magazine is famous for its surreal and deliberately useless “Top Tips.”

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

The similarly surreal and useless fellows who populate the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit have decided to have a go at the advice thing themselves. A post there today asks the question: “If you could give women one piece of advice, without being crucifed, what would it be?”

The assembled MGTOWs have happily provided dozens of answers. Unlike Viz’ Top Tips, though, their little nuggets are funny only by accident. Also, most of the “advice” is not so much advice as it is a random misogyny-dump onto the internet.

That said, here are my picks for the Top Ten Tips for Women From Men Who Hate Them.

Get a goddamn hobby, something that requires effort and intelligence and builds character. I am so sick of reality TV addicts whose only real interests are complaining about a world they didn’t earn.

Pot, Kettle — have you two met? Yelling about women online is not a “hobby … that requires effort and intelligence and builds character.” Take up something more worthwhile and less embarrassing, like subscribing to magazines you never get around to reading and letting them pile up for years, a hobby I used to enjoy in pre-everything-is-on-the-internet days.

Also, dude, how many worlds have you personally “earned” anyway?

Deleting fakebook, instaslut, or myfake will improve your “personality”

Wait. People still use MySpace?

Make yourself useful in areas that don’t involve sex.

This might have been a tad more persuasive if it hadn’t come from someone who has proven himself completely useless as a human being by posting on the MGTOW subreddit.

Grow up, and take responsibility for your own emotions you goddamn overgrown parasitic, entitled infants.

This one is also a teensy bit ironic, given that it was offered by the highly emotional compulsive liar John the Other — remember him? That is, a man who doesn’t seem to take responsibility for anything he says.

Feminism is 100% complete fraud, ALL of it. From the very beginning 50 years ago. Everything you think you know about gender is wrong, so is most of what you think about the world at all. Men are not oppressing women or holding them back. We’ve rolled out the red carpet for you, yet you’re lazy, not all that bright, no ambition, too cowardly and too whiny with no real interests in anything productive anyway. The only one holding you back is yourself.

This is not technically advice, just a bunch of random angry wrongness.

There’s 3,5 billion of you. You’re nothing.

If you think 3.5 billion women and girls is “nothing,” you try fitting even a billion of them into a summer rental on Cape Cod.

Also, there are slightly more men in the world than women, so does this mean that they’re, I dunno, slightly more nothing?

Suck my [deleted] and get lost.

Yeah, I don’t think that one is going to happen for you, champ

Do you realize that in the grand scale of evolution, progress and civilization, women contributed almost nothing compared to men?

I don’t realize that, partly because it’s not true.

If you want to be truly physically, psychologically and spiritually happy, strive to learn how critically important it is to set your emotions and feelings aside while unrelentingly seeking out and attending to TRUTH, FACTS and and irrefutable INFORMATION, even when it makes you uncomfortable to do so (this is where you’ll find out just how coddled and spoiled women are and have been compared to men). Of course, knowing you’re intractably ingrained with a toddler’s lack of attention, accountability, responsibility and emotional control, we both know offering you the aforementioned nugget of wisdom is a complete waste of time.

Yes, the guy telling you in two rambling paragraphs to set your emotions aside is pounding out angry misogynistic screeds on the internet that intermittently break out in ALL CAPS.

The more people you have sex with, the less interested I am in a relationship with you.

This may be the only bit of actually useful advice for women in the bunch, offering a handy technique that women can use to avoid being pestered quite so often by woman-hating men who still want to have sex with the women they hate. The women in question don’t even have to have sex with a lot of people if they don’t want to; printing up a batch of business cards saying “I’ve had sex with lots of people,” even if you haven’t, should also do the trick.

Possibly. I’m not sure these guys are all that good at taking a hint. I mean, they call their movement “Men Going Their Own Way” but it seems pretty clear that not a single one of them has gone anywhere.

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