Unforgivable Sin Now Thought To Be Whiteness

U.S.—Scholars have long debated what the unforgivable sin is. Now one group of Bible experts says they've figured it out: it's whiteness.

The scholars revealed their updated translation of Jesus's words in Mark 3:

"Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins, but anyone who's white will never be forgiven. This is the eternal sin."

"People have proposed that when Jesus talked about the one unforgivable sin He was talking about denying Him repeatedly," Dr. Varucci Martinez said, addressing the coalition of scholars gathered to codify the new proposal. "But it's obvious now that it's being unrepentantly white. That's clearly the only thing God won't forgive you for: being a white person and not trying to do better and atone for it throughout your life."

Dr. Martinez then led the assembled scholars in a chant of "Do better! Do better!" before participating in a symbolic but also very literal hanging of a white man onstage.

Several Christian leaders suggested that white people either get a skin transplant, constantly moan about being white, or even just kill themselves if they want to repent.

"It seems like this still won't get you off the hook, since your whiteness is unforgivable, but maybe if God sees how much you hate yourself He'll have some leniency," they said.

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