(Or, the gay musical Olympics you never knew you needed.)

For those who don’t know, it’s Eurovision time. Every year, each country in Europe (and some others, don’t ask why) send an original song to compete in Eurovision. They then award each other points to determine a winner. The goal of Eurovision is to promote peace and understanding through the power of music. But what it’s really good for is things like this:

This…

and this…

This is a television event watched by more than 200 million people every year. And of those 3 songs, two of them came in second place. The Europeans like to joke about how confusing this must all be to Americans, but personally I love Eurovison. Why? Did…did you not see the dubstep opera vampire up there? With his naked dancers fluttering beneath him? That’s what dreams are made of. But not everyone shares my unabashed enthusiasm for this. So I enlisted the help of a friend who has never seen a single bit of Eurovision (SA) to help me (SW) weigh in on this year’s songs.

Finland

SA: She seems desperate, like really if she sings hard enough she may sing her problems away. Also the brraah brraah thing is the same thing Hercules Mulligan does in Hamilton so I kept thinking of her as a tailor spying on the British government.

SW: Nah, if she were a tailor she’d have had better clothes than a powder blue suede onesie. And the brraahs are all Busta Rhymes. She’s singing them with so much more energy than the rest of her song. It’s like she’s trying to summon him. It’s a shame because I really liked this one in the video. On stage it just looks like open mic night at a low rent women’s prison.

SW: Greece is up next, rapping again. Did they not learn their lesson from Stereo Mike? I have no idea what he’s saying but I heard vodka and sopapilla so so far this does seem like a pretty Utopian place.

SA: That escalated suddenly. It’s all like, let’s have fun in the sun~~ and then it’s like join us in Utopian land. The way they say it it’s like come join our sun worshiping cult. But then there’s a hot guy dancing shirtless so I’m gonna join their cult.

SW: So I looked up the actual English lyrics to the Greek song:

“We got the tickets and we’re off to the airport, waiting for the plane for 2 hours straight. I got some pickles, my friend’s got the drinks, grandma’s frying fish, we party on the plane”

SA: Greeks deserve to win for songwriting.

SW: I don’t think these guys know how brag-rap is supposed to work. You’re supposed to talk about flying on your own private jet eating caviar. Not waiting at the gate all afternoon eating fucking pickles with your grandma. Who apparently brings frying pans with her into airports.

Moldova

SW: Moldova has given us Epic Sax Guy , so will this year live up to that high standard? ….no. This is pretty boring.

SA: BREAKDANCING ASTRONAUT! Makes up 100% for bland song.

SW: Oh now that’s what I’m talking about. I just wanted him to take off his helmet and have it be full of bees or something.

SA: I wish he hadn’t taken off his helmet. It would have been even better if he left it on the whole time.

SW: Or he takes it off and reveals the Romanian entrant who was disqualified.

Hungary

SW: Oh God, TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT, HUNGARY.

SA: So this is what Zayn Malik is doing post One Direction. The whistling really makes this song.

SW: A lot of people like his voice, but to me it sounds like a Batman voice that just got out of control. And clock the drummer. I’ve never seen anyone so committed to NOT hitting a drum.

Croatia:

SA: Instead of having a piano in the song she decided to wear one on each sleeve of her dress! I actually rather like this song. Wait, who are the weird robed people in the background????

SW: BAM! REVEAL! Why have one absurd dress when you can have two? The second one is best though. She looks like a super glam muppet. Oh yeah and the song is really good too I guess.

Netherlands

SA: This is the kind of country I like. Both the country itself and the country music.

SW: The Netherlands sent a country song a couple of years ago that did really well. And yes, I vastly prefer this Dutch country music to American. A lot more “howdy, y’all” and a lot less “titties and beer”

Armenia:

SA: This is everything I expected from Eurovision! Ridiculous name, cheesy as fuck whispering, holograms that make it look like the singer is feeling herself up, fire shooting rom the stage, and that cape, I’m in love.

SW: It’s like she’s a human wind machine, belting out vague, weird lyrics and Eurovision goodness.

San Marino

SW: Oh man, are you ready for San Marino? I don’t think you are.

SA: This guy looks like he probably says m’lady a lot and wants to talk to you about men’s rights. I was so disappointed when the ladies in the background weren’t the main singers.

SW: I am 100% sure this man owns a waterbed

SA: Yeah, that’s a safe guess. He also probably has a hot tub in his bedroom and several strategically placed mirrors.

SW: Oh, and this is a remix. The original had no disco beat and was just this old Turkish man purring about wanting to “sleep on your skin”. And in the video he wears what I can only describe as a steampunk strap on monocle

SA: I felt gross after hearing the remix, if I heard the original I’d probably havve to take a shower immediately after.

Russia

SA: Their shadow puppets are on point. Everything with the screen is super cool, but everytime he says “thunder and lightning” I can only think “very very frightening”

SW: If only the song were that interesting. The staging is impressive, but honestly the song’s pretty boring. But since it’s Russia it’s probably going to win.

Czech Republic:

SA: Boring ballad

SW: Aw, come on. I liked it. And it’s the Czech Republic’s first ever time qualifying so props to them. And it’s a big improvement from the video, where she spent the whole time singing “I Stand” while lying down.

Cyprus:

SA: What’s with all the random negative colors? I want to have more of a reaction to this song than I do. It’s just a mediocre rock song.

SW: If the whistling was what made Hungary, the awkward wolf howling makes this song. Every year at least two countries send a rock band. This year had…mixed results. You’ll see what I mean later.

Austria

SW: I’m curious what you think of Austria. All the fans love it but I think it’s like europop caramelldansen.

SA: I love it! It’s fun! It’s not as annoying as caramelldansen. Maybe if I heard it playing around every corner at an anime convention I would hate it but for now I like it. It’s cool that they sent a song in French when most countries send songs in English.

SW: It is cool in that way and I admire it for being different but it’s just too repetitive for me. It reminds me of that one girl everyone knew in middle school who was obsessed with horses.

SA: Yeah. The background made me think of the girl in high school who was way too into Disney. But I also was that girl so….

Estonia:

SW: Ah, and here we have casino Draco Malfoy for Estonia.

SA: Yeah, that description fits him. The faces he makes at the camera–it’s like he’s trying to seduce you but has also prematurely ejaculated.

SW: Oh my God.

Azerbaijan

SA: Everything about this is perfectly fine. The song is fine, the staging is fine. Nothing inspires about it. It’s sort of catchy.

SW: But it qualified because Azerbaijan is dead fuckin’ serious about Eurovision and has bought votes in the past. When I say serious I mean a few years ago they found out that 43 people voted for Armenia, found their names and addresses and had them interrogated.

SA: Azerbaijan needs to chill and send better songs.

Montenegro

SA: Are they trying to induce seizures?

SW: Probably. Eurovision just hates people with epilepsy.

SA: This song is a mess.

SW: Yeah, this is what I meant by the other end of the rock spectrum. Butt rock.

Iceland

SA: I’m super down with the witch aesthetic of this performance. I wish the music leaned into the creepy vibes of the lyrics instead of being generic dance pop.

SW: I really liked this one. It didn’t qualify and everyone was super pissed.

SA: I like it! It should have qualified!

SW: #justiceforgreta

Bosnia and Herzegovina

SW: Just a few songs left, and the Balkans have a treat for you…

SA: Why are they all wearing tinfoil? That invisible cello is super cool though!

SW: They look like they’ve just lost an unconventional materials challenge on Project Runway

SA: Yes. They had to go to the party store and the person bought way too much florist’s foil and made dresses with trains of it.

SW: Tim Gunn is concerned for Bosnia and Herzegovina

SA: Bosnia just couldn’t make it work. Michael Kors thought that their model looked like Lady Gaga crossed with a lunar module.

SW: *Michael Kors voice* It looks like someone threw a shock blanket over a hooker!

Malta

SA: The disembodied face in the beginning is like something from my nightmares. Otherwise it’s okay.

SW: It felt like she was about to summon the power rangers. Also her dancer reminded me of Gollum.

France:

SA: It’s a pretty decent pop song. I like the space stuff all over the stage! This guy has the best smile. I melt at it.

SW: It’s my favorite of all of them and it was predicted to do well but his live performance isn’t nearly as good as in the video. Hopefully the falsetto gods will bless him during the final.

Spain:

SA: This is the most danceable song yet! The singer’s hair looks like a bird’s nest. I like her metal glove though.

SW: She’s kickass. Especially her little sideways waddle dance. Another one that’s way better in the video.

Sweden

SA: This song is a fuckboy. I expect more from you, Sweden! You created ABBA!

SW: Yeah. It’s like someone composed Justin Bieber’s apology song on a xylophone. Or maybe this is just their response to stealing Italy’s victory last year.

SEMI FINAL 2

Latvia

SA: The singer seems kinda douchey. Also the music sounds like a generic dance beat. I’m unimpressed.

SW: Really? I like the beat. It’s supposed to do well . Everyone loves Latvia and his luscious lips. It looks like he’s crying at the end of the song.

SA: Aww, that makes me like Latvia more. He’s being sincere. I’ve changed my whole opinion on him.

SW: Well there you go. Tears = 12 points.

Poland

SA: Why does this guy not have a marching band behind him?? He’s wasting that jacket without one.

SW: Poland seems like the kind of guy who would get really offended if I said that his mustache looked like a couple of eyebrows fighting on his upper lip, so I wont say anything.

Switzerland

SA:I’m impressed by that incredibly specific smoke effect. Why does she keep bowing?!

SW: I don’t know. It’s like she’s amping herself up for the most intense game of hopscotch the world has ever seen.

SA: I’m worried she’s having stomach problems it’s like she’s about to throw up every time.

SW: She inhaled too much of her boob smoke.

Israel

SA: I’m actually really sad that the two people in the hoop were in two separate hoops at the end. It’s like the whole time they were so close to touching and being together and by the end they were even further apart and I’m getting way too sad about this.

SW: Well they are made of stars. Maybe if they collided the arena would explode. Fun fact: this guy is the voice of several different Disney princes in the Israeli dubs.

Belarus

SA: I want to see how this man is going to teach a wolf how to fly!

SW: Through the power of song. And looking like a young blonde Snape on peyote.

SA: I was super disappointed the wolves were holograms.

SW: They wouldn’t allow any real wolves. Or nudity.

SA: Dude has serious crazy eyes. He widens them and I’m concerned he actually thinks he can fly. I hope he’s only allowed on the first floors of buildings. Wait why is there a baby at the end?!

SW: NO ONE KNOWS. Hopefully the wolves don’t actually know how to fly or else they’re going to fly up and eat that baby.

Serbia

SA: Gothic lady warrior princess! I want to fight the patriarchy with them.

SW: And why wouldn’t you? If she can make that headpiece entirely out of bobby pins, she can definitely put a stop to some domestic violence. This is dope.

Ireland:

SA: I like this song! It’s super catchy and I like the pro gay message.

SW: You’re probably the only one who does. This didn’t do well. And pro gay? I always thought “touch who you wanna” just sounded like an invitation to grope strangers.

Macedonia

SA: That is the most serious arm singing. I’m not sure she’d be able to sing if she didn’t have arms.

SW: But man does she love donuts.

SA: I thought she was singing about her intense love of Dora the Explorer.

Lithuania

SA: This is pretty much the same as Latvia but the guy is less hot and the song is better.

SW: And don’t forget the trampoline! I guess he’s hot, I just can’t get over the hair. It looks like my ponytail after a workout.

Australia

SA: It would be a very different movie if this were the Sound of Silence they played at the end of the Graduate. This is a good song though. It might be my new favorite.

SW: It’s pretty great. Australia hasn’t really gotten the hang of Eurovision yet. You’re not supposed to send talented artists with good songs. Silly.

Slovenia

SA: Europe should make all of our country music. Between them and the Netherlands, they could save the whole genre.

SW: Theory- 2008 Taylor Swift was shipped to Slovenia. The one we have now is a replicant.

SA: We definitely got the clone. The real Taylor is making awesome country music in Slovenia.

Bulgaria

SA: How could anyone not like this? The “if love was a crime we would be criminals” line is actually pretty good. Cape is awesome. Her dancing is bad though.

SW: She looks like an amazing cyberpunk lesbian from the future. I love this song. The only thing I don’t like is the weird light up chevrons.

Denmark

SA: I will sign up for Denmark’s weird love army. Their recruitment song is effective.

SW:They’re ransacking villages, deposing heads of state, rooting out rebel strongholds…of love.

Ukraine

SA: I love that this song is a fuck you to Russia. The song itself is okay.

SW: I worry that the waily-ness might put off a lot of the mainstream audience. But damn if she’s not selling it.

Norway

SA: Could they pick a more Scandinavian name than Icebreaker?

SW: I wish all countries would send songs relating to their surroundings. Next year Australia is sure to wow us with “Wallaby of Love”

Georgia

SA: It’s the least bad of the rock songs but why do they want to give people seizures? Also the line “when I came to your smell on me” is as creepy as Poland’s mustache.

SW: I like Georgia. It sounds like a song you would listen to while dropping MDMA and punching a police officer on a horse.

Albania

SA: This singer looks more like the evil stepmother in a fairytale than the heroine. She seems super intimidating.

SW: Yeah, every time she says “and that’s why I love you” it’s with the same tone as “and that’s why we can’t have nice things.”

Belgium

SA: I’m surprised more countries don’t do 80s inspired songs like this. This singer could be Switzerland’s twin. At least this one can dance.

SW: It’s the whitest funk song I’ve ever heard, but it is pretty catchy.

Germany

SA: I love the whole aesthetic of this song. Singer is super kawaii and the background is all creepy.

SW: She is. And with 200 million people watching, senpai’s just got to notice her now.

SA: “Who’s scared now?” You are the least scary thing. You are the cutest thing.

United Kingdom

SA: This is also a good song. I feel like these guys have a good friendship.

SW: Hopefully they can channel those good bro vibes into some points. I always want the UK to do well because I just hate to hear Graham Norton sound sad during the commentary.

Italy

SA: They win cheesiest staging. What is with all the floating flowers? It looks like there’s a floating radish next to her.

SW: It’s the root vegetable of togetherness.

SA: She looks like she’s about to go gardening in her spangly coveralls surrounded by vegetables.

So, what has this roundup of Eurosongs taught us about Europe? Nothing, probably. But hey, we got to see a breakdancing astronaut.