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Girl on the Net needs a safe word, so let’s start with NSFW. The confessional autobiography of the eponymous, anonymous London sex blogger (and her 13.8k Twitter followers) doesn’t pull a single punch, spank or nipple clamp, bonking its way through 25 chapters of threesomes, throatf***ing and piss-play. Google with caution.

In our post-Tinder world of dotcom hook-ups and casual sex, are we seeing each other as just so many data-driven notches on the bedpost? No, says GOTN, who opens up a window not only on her past conquests, detailing them in “drooling, excitable titillation”. Along the way, she tackles everything from dick pics to dungeons, monogamy to mental health — as well as other weighty concerns of the modern age (“Would you still love me if I was a zombie?”). But there’s also her more suburban present. She meets the perfect guy — “Mark” — falls for him, and settles down to a life of coffee-grinding and 7am erections (“the hardest kind”!). Dull? Just a little. Sure, Fifty Shades of Grey has been bought by more than 100 million readers, but Christian Grey had a helipad. “Mark” has an Xbox.

So what do women want? To fuck “for a variety of reasons: true love, sheer curiosity, politeness, money, boredom” or “because we’re horny and we just quite feel like it”? Or to find Mr Right? To be honest, I’m not sure GOTN knows. She swings erratically in her search for that special experience, from pub toilet cubicles to down the aisle.

The greatest disservice GOTN does to itself? By over-exposure, the sex becomes so mundane. Sure, it’s spiced up with winks to a “gushing lust”, “wriggling enthusiasm”, “knee-trembling grope” and “spunking cock”, but a thesaurus tool has never made for great erotica. When sex is your greatest currency, it doesn’t pay to spend it all in small change.

That’s not to say this romp-com doesn’t have its moments. Between every “scramble for the night bus with jizz drying under my bra”, there’s a glimpse of what it is to be an empowered woman — or at least a version of one. Then again, there’s also an excruciating story about how a love of spanking was inspired by a headmaster’s cane, which is definitely full-blown creepy.

It’s funny, with enough Buzzfeed-friendly one-liners here to supply a year’s worth of inspirational memes. I’m sure it will sell by the bucket. Ultimately, it’s just plain clickbait.