Heaven—

In a frank conversation with God, the Creator of the universe, admitted to The Halfway Post that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.

“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there’s only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those things are the shit. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in gear and technology to go out there. Tardigrades are the shit, you humans suck.”

God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

“You humans are always putting words in My mouth,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and—if I’m being honest about My own work—I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night, and it’s not like humans have any cool features. I totally phoned it in. There’s no fangs, no wings, no hyper acidic digestive system, no stinky scent glands, no dynamic bladder system for depth control, no echolocation, no electroreception, no jet propulsion, and I could go on and on.”

When the Halfway Post reporter suggested God was being hard on Himself, God disagreed and said that He was just being honest.

“Pretty much all I did was rip off my chimpanzee design, shave off most of the hair, and give you all bigger portions of dicks, tits and brains, but I think we can all agree that it wasn’t a good mix. Males are so overly competitive and self-conscious about their penis size that humanity’s history has been riddled with self-genocide. And all you idiots use your big brains for is species-wide self-absorption. The tits are pretty awesome, though. That’s like the one original thing I did for you all. But, for real, the idea that I designed the Earth specifically for humans is the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. Right… I invented poison ivy, great white sharks, gonorrhea, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, annual influenzas, and asteroids because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows and hugs and love for humanity. Give me a break.”

God then offered our Halfway Post reporter some cocaine, which led to a night that both regretted in the morning.

Thanks for another lively interview, God.

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(Picture courtesy of Ted Van Pelt.)

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