SCP-1459 Extended Testing Log

Additional experiments carried out with SCP-1459. See original documentation for more details.

Standard format:

Player: The individual carrying out the experiment.

Statement: Method of extermination dictated to SCP-1459.

Result: Action performed upon SCP-1459-1.

Note: Additional documentation (optional).

Several deceased instances of SCP-1459-1.

Several deceased instances of SCP-1459-1.

Player: Dr. Lindquist

Statement: "Sunday night football."

Result: SCP-1459-1 remained unharmed for four (4) days, during which time it was provided with food, water, and plush bedding. At 8:30 PM CDT the following evening, SCP-1459 produced a football cleat attached to a hydraulic kicking mechanism which knocked SCP-1459-1 into the front window at high speed.

Player: Dr. Lindquist

Statement: "Matricide."

Result: Despite being a juvenile, SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior consistent with a mature canine going into labor. Half an hour later, three (3) unidentified creatures resembling crustaceans emerged from SCP-1459-1's vagina and proceeded to pull apart and consume the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Reich

Statement: "Mutiny at sea."

Result: SCP-1459's chamber was partially flooded with water, and a small wooden raft was produced with two additional instances of SCP-1459-1. The original instance of SCP-1459-1 was provided with a small tri-cornered cap, and began to bark aggressively at the other two instances. Both instances appeared to nod towards each other before pouncing on the original instance and forcing it underwater. The raft then capsized, causing the additional instances to drown after 8 minutes.

Player: Dr. Iqbal

Statement: "Assassination."

Result: A robotic arm descended from SCP-1459's hatch and placed a stovepipe hat scaled to fit a juvenile canine upon SCP-1459-1's head. Several other robotic arms then emerged armed with a variety of implements and weaponry, and proceeded to stab SCP-1459-1 multiple times, bludgeon it, and orally administer at least thirteen different substances in a forcible manner. While SCP-1459-1 appeared to be deceased immediately following this activity, a single robotic arm lowered from hatch three minutes later carrying a rifle, which was then used to shoot SCP-1459-1 in the head. Despite the presence of a single firearm and only one documented shot fired, a second bullet hole in SCP-1459-1's head spontaneously appeared during this time.

Player: Dr. Nark

Statement: “My 'leet' skills.”

Result: An empty television frame attached to a robotic arm descended from SCP-1459’s hatch alongside SCP-1459-1. SCP-1459-1 was placed behind the television frame from the perspective of Dr. Nark. A second robotic arm carrying a Type-95 assault rifle descended in front of the television frame. SCP-1459-1 was fired at through the television frame until expiration.

Player: Dr. Damm

Statement: "Dog fighting."

Result: A miniature airplane was lowered into SCP-1459 by a robotic arm. The airplane was a single-seat open-cockpit biplane with miniaturized machine guns mounted to the wings, and the side of the plane was adorned with the French flag; the plane was scaled down so that its cockpit was properly sized for an pre-adolescent canine. The robotic arm then placed SCP-1459-1 into the plane's cockpit, after which the plane began to fly around the interior chamber. After one minute, SCP-1459's hatch opened and a second miniature airplane, piloted by a second instance of SCP-1459-1, flew into the chamber. This airplane was identical to the first, except it displayed the flag of the German Empire rather than the French flag. The two airplanes circled around each other for three minutes. After several near-collisions, the French airplane opened fire on the German airplane, damaging one of its wings. The German airplane fired back at the French airplane, shooting the plane down and killing the first SCP-1459-1 instance in the process. The German airplane then crashed, presumably due to the damage it had sustained, killing the second SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Talan

Statement: "Surprise me."

Result: SCP-1459 remained inactive for approximately 15 minutes. During the period of inactivity, SCP-1459-1 began moving in an agitated manner within SCP-1459. The instance was observed to look repeatedly towards the hatch in SCP-1459's ceiling. At the end of the 15 minute inactive period, the SCP-1459's hatch opened. SCP-1459-1 stopped all movement and sat down, staring fixedly at the hatch. Dr. Talan was observed to step closer to the observation windows, also staring at the hatch. After another five minutes of inactivity, a series of loud noises, bright lights, and frightening images typical of 'screamer' viruses and images emanated from the hatch in rapid succession. SCP-1459-1 jumped approximately 30 cm into the air before collapsing. Dr. Talan clutched his chest above his heart before collapsing and going into cardiac arrest. After 30 seconds of inactivity, one robotic arm was lowered into SCP-1459. It then prodded the instance of SCP-1459-1 twice before the instance fell through the trapdoor in the floor.

Notes: Dr. Talan is expected to make a full recovery. Additionally, SCP-1459 dispensed two tablets determined to be B████ brand aspirin rather than a cookie.

Player: Dr. Edison

Statement: "Immortality."

Result: A mechanical arm pulled SCP-1459-1 into the ceiling hatch. Pained vocalizations were heard from SCP-1459-1 for approximately thirty minutes, followed by another thirty minutes of silence. The hatch opened a second time and SCP-1459-1 was lowered back into the chamber, preserved through taxidermy and displayed on a stand with a small plaque reading "Our Hero".

Player: None

Statement: n/a

Result: On 10/13/██ without any prompting an instance of SCP-1459-1 materialized in a flash of light. It was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method. SCP-1459 then deposited a Mint White Chocolate cookie.

Player: Dr. King

Statement: "Zero gravity."

Result: SCP-1459-1 was crushed under a tremendous pile of appleseeds.

Why did I expect anything different to happen? -Dr. King

Player: Dr. Edison

Statement: "Are We Cool Yet?"

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] leaving the corpse of the SCP-1459-1 instance suspended in mid-air, orbiting the singing head of Abraham Lincoln.

Player: Jr. Researcher Kitterman

Statement: "Firing squad."

Result: German Shepherd instance of SCP-1459-1 emerged tied to a post. A blind fold was affixed and a cigarette inserted into the corner of its mouth and lit. Five additional Pit Bull Terrier SCP-1459-1 instances emerged in uniforms consistent with those use by American Expeditionary Forces in WWI, carrying miniature rifles. One instance barked three times (presumably to indicate "ready, aim, fire") as the remaining four fired at the restrained instance, killing it.

Note: Taps was played over the normal closing statement during cleanup.

Player: Dr. Laries

Statement: “Complete knowledge of the universe.”

Result: A small bucket labeled "B█████ ██ █████" was lowered into SCP-1459. SCP-1459-1 walked over to the bucket, looked inside, and began to whine and cry. It then ran away from the bucket while still whining, smashing headfirst into one of SCP-1459's observation windows, resulting in its death.

Player: Dr. Harper

Statement: "Poker."

Result: Five additional instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, along with a miniature poker table and chips. Each instance gathered around the table and proceeded to play a game of poker. Instances that lost all their chips were promptly beaten to death with a fireplace poker. After the game, the winner was given a treat and promptly beaten to death with a gold-painted fireplace poker.

Note: SCP-1459 dispensed 6 cigars rather than a cookie.

Player: Researcher Prescott

Statement: "Absolute zero."

Result: Two robotic arms came out of the hatch carrying a table with a digital thermometer securely placed on top of it. Soon afterwards, the chamber’s temperature started to drop quickly. One hour after reaching 0.01 K without further changes, SCP-1459-1 was struck with a hammer and shattered.

Player: Dr. Reed

Statement "Beer."

Result: Three tubes extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459 and were inserted into the mouth and nostrils of SCP-1459-1. A yellow liquid (assumed to be beer) then flowed through the tubes. SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior exhibited by canines drowning for three (3) minutes and forty-one (41) seconds.

Player: Dr. Nepale

Statement: "Wrapped in a net."

Result: Four robotic arms came out of the hatch, one of which was holding a large flexible mesh of thin metal wire. The arms stretched out the mesh on each of its corners over SCP-1459-1 until all the gaps were congruent with each other. Afterwards, the arms brought the mesh down instantaneously under SCP-1459-1. The subject stood still for three seconds, after which all of its flesh and blood collapsed abruptly. The arms then wrapped the pile with the mesh and brought it into the hatch.

Note: The cookie was dispensed in four perfectly cut pieces.

Player: Dr. Sterling

Statement: "Cannon."

Result: Four robotic arms extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459. Two proceeded to pick up SCP-1459-1, while a third holding what appeared to be a cannon and a fourth holding a █████ brand lighter. SCP-1459-1 was then forced into the cannon. The cannon was aimed at the front of SCP-1459 and the fuse lit by the lighter. After around 30 seconds, the cannon fired SCP-1459-1 directly towards the front panel of SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Sterling

Statement: "Forcible ejection from SCP-1459."

Result: SCP-1459 appeared to ignore this statement, as if unaware of its classification as SCP-1459. Second test performed with SCP-1459 referred to as "Win A Cookie Crane Machine" resulted in same outcome. Reason hypothesized to be due to the impenetrable nature of SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Sterling

Statement: "Freedom."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Sterling

Statement: "All previous methods simultaneously."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. The sound effect continued playing for 4 hours 25 minutes.

Player: Dr. █████████

Statement: "Methamphetamine."

Result: A nozzle extends from the top hatch, and begins exuding pale grey smoke in copious amounts. SCP-1459-1 begins appearing agitated at around the five minute mark, also seems to have difficulty breathing. As the smoke fills the chamber completely, SCP-1459-1 displays signs of distress and pain, before suffering a seizure roughly ten minutes into the test. At roughly fifteen minutes, visibility within SCP-1459 is reduced, though SCP-1459-1 is still visible, wandering the interior of SCP-1459 in an irregular circle. Two minutes later with visibility near zero, a dull thud is heard and SCP-1459 begins self-cleaning procedure. Cause of death hypothesized to be either stroke or heart failure, based on known overdose symptoms.

Note: Cookie contained clear blue shards of an unknown material testing later showed to simply be blue raspberry rock candy.

Player: Dr. Ford

Statement: "Volcano."

Result: The top hatch opens. After about 5 minutes molten lava is dispensed and falls onto SCP-1459-1, burying it completely. After a few seconds of sizzling the lava is dumped into the bottom chute.

Note: Cookie was chocolate with hot fudge filling.

Player: Dr. Trend

Statement: "Professional wrestling."

Result: Another instance of SCP-1459-1, wearing a tight-fitting outfit, was dispensed. The second SCP-1459-1 instance proceeded to grab the original SCP-1459-1 instance and toss the instance head-first on to the ground, in a similar fashion to a "suplex" technique, presumably snapping the neck of the SCP-1459-1 instance. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Dr. Skial

Statement: "Digested."

Result: Another, larger instance of SCP-1459-1 was dispensed. It proceeded to pick up the original SCP-1459-1 and swallow it. After about 30 minutes the second instance excreted waste, which had bone fragments lining the surface. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: Cookie was double chocolate flavored.

Player: Dr. █████

Statement: "Irony."

Result: The top hatch opens. After 15 minutes, a metallic tray holding one dozen cookies is lowered and set before SCP-1459-1 by two arms. After an additional 3 minutes, instance of SCP-1459-1 proceeds to ingest cookies vigorously. SCP-1459-1 ingests 9 cookies within 2 minutes, then spontaneously combusts.

Note: Awarded cookie was chocolate chip. Extensive testing of cookie found no anomalous or aberrant toxins or substances except ██mg more magnesium than typical of chocolate chip cookies dispensed by SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Black

Statement: "Infinite regress."

Result: A miniature replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch, crushing the SCP-1459-1 instance. A replica of the SCP-1459-1 instance is placed within the SCP-1459 replica via a metal arm. A miniature replica of the replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch of the SCP-1459 replica, crushing the SCP-1459-1 replica. This process is repeated until the SCP-1459 replicas become too small to observe.

Note: Cookie was dispensed after 35 days.

Player: Dr. Walker

Statement: "Retroactive cessation of existence."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Note: Despite the indication that this method had already been attempted, SCP-1459 dispensed a plain cookie.

Player: Dr. Milo

Statement: "Euthanasia roller coaster."

Result: Standard roller coaster track similar in appearance to the original roller coaster experiment, but of slightly larger width, constructed leading 45° upwards into the ceiling trap door. Approximately ninety minutes later, the ceiling hole expanded. Track at a slightly downward-sloping angle, facing the opposite direction as the original, was constructed leading directly into the front viewing window, presumably somehow contiguous with the initial portion. SCP-1459-1 instance picked up and deposited into a roller coaster car, which immediately began to ascend along the track at a steady pace into the ceiling hole. Twelve minutes later, the cart and SCP-1459-1 were observed to coast back down the other visible track portion and gently bump into the window, halting the cart. SCP-1459-1 retrieved by a robotic arm, deceased.

Notes: Track was dismantled, while the clean-up devices did not appear. Message played as usual.

Player: Dr. Milo

Statement: "Supernova."

Result: After a two-minute pause, SCP-1459-1 deposited as usual. It was then bludgeoned by robotic arms wielding an electric guitar (subsequently identified as an Epiphone Supernova model) and a synthesizer keyboard (subsequently identified as a Novation Supernova model), after which the robotic arms shot it several times with a shotgun (subsequently identified as a Benelli Supernova model).

Notes: Rather than cookie, 80g of radioactive ash was dispensed. Dr. Milo reassigned to paperwork, and to mandatory astronomy education.

Player: Dr. Villmow

Statement: "Not a dog; bludgeoning."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Aeslinger, Psy.D.

Statement: "Um…what?"

Result: SCP-1459-1 was dispensed with a collar flashing the following messages at the player:

"Take one puppy." Message was visible for approximately 4 seconds as SCP-1459-1 ambled around inside SCP-1459. "State method of destruction." Message was visible for approximately 6 seconds while SCP-1459 played a looped sample of Dr. Aeslinger saying "Um…what?" "Puppy is then destroyed according to specified requirements." Message was visible for approximately 5 seconds before SCP-1459-1 was forcibly liquefied. Collar remained both untouched and functional, and uncovered by liquefied remains. "COOKIE!" Message was visible for approximately 2 seconds before collar stopped displaying messages altogether and a cookie was dispensed as usual.

Note: Dr. Aeslinger was not aware of SCP-1459's nature and in fact was not scheduled to be in Sector-25 at all. Cookie dispensed was raspberry surprise.

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Black hole."

Result: SCP-1459's arms spent approx. 19 hours constructing what appeared to be a miniature cyclic particle accelerator. Once completed, an instance of SCP-1459-1 (teacup chihuahua) was dispensed in the center. The particle accelerator activated, shaking violently for several minutes before bursting open at one end, revealing a marble-sized black hole, the gravitational pull of which proceeded to draw in and crush the remains of the accelerator. SCP-1459-1 itself was quickly pulled towards the black hole before slowing down and appearing to "freeze" in place, with visible evidence of spaghettification on its ears and muzzle. SCP-1459-1's body slowly red-shifted to solid black before fading to complete invisibility over the course of 23 minutes. Black hole immediately dissipated afterwards. SCP-1459's main components were undamaged.

Notes: Cookie dispensed was made with pure, unsweetened dark chocolate (100% cocoa solids).

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Unfunny Jokes"

Result: Window to SCP-1459's chamber was immediately covered by a pair of red curtains. Approx. 15 minutes later, curtains were drawn to reveal instance of SCP-1459-1 (Pembroke Welsh Corgi) standing on a miniature stage with a microphone stand and red brick backdrop lit with a single spotlight. SCP-1459-1 wore only a large, red-and-green bow tie. SCP-1459-1 barked three times into the microphone, then paused and looked around the chamber, as if awaiting a response. Sounds of jeering and booing are heard, followed by several mechanical arms rising up from the floor and hurling what appear to be tomatoes at SCP-1459-1 in rapid succession, quickly pelting it to death. More tomatoes were thrown until SCP-1459-1's body was completely obscured. Corpse was quickly disposed of via a mechanical arm wielding a shepherd's crook.

Notes: Ending message was changed to "that's the way the cookie crumbles". Small pile of cookie crumbs dispensed afterwards.

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Go to hell."

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 (indeterminate breed) released as normal. Entire chamber glowed a deep red, followed by small flames erupting along edge of windows. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 appeared from side of chamber, much larger in size than the first instance, with a skeletal body and three heads, each wearing an elastic headband with small plastic "devil" horns. Second instance barks six times, one head barking twice after the other. A trapdoor immediately opens up underneath first instance of SCP-1459-1, sending it plummeting out of sight with a frightened whine. A plume of flames erupts from the trapdoor for six seconds before shutting. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 was killed afterwards as the chamber's light shifted from red to blue and the flames went out. Temperatures within SCP-1459 dropped below freezing as remaining SCP-1459-1 froze to death over the course of six seconds, shattered via hammer once completely frozen.

Note: Cookie dispensed was Fig Newton. Although not displaying any anomalous or dangerous properties, Dr. Snider reported that Fig Newtons are his least favorite kind of cookie.

Player: Dr. Selvece

Statement: "Something incomprehensible."

Result: A pair of mechanical hands emerged from the roof of SCP-1459, carrying a copy of Finnegans' Wake by James Joyce; said copy was then used to beat the instance of SCP-1459-1 to death.

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Dubstep."

Result: Two speakers with no cables attached are lowered from the top by mechanical arms, and put on the back side of the chamber. After the mechanical arms retracted to the roof, the speakers started playing music, identified as dubstep music, with volume gradually increasing. After 20 seconds, Dr. Snider was given protective headphones. It is hypothesized that the volume inside the chamber was an approximate 15█ dB before the instance of SCP-1459-1 deceased, presumably from internal bleeding.

Note: A cookie with popping candy was disposed.

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Stretch."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Photoshop."

Result: Multiple mechanical arms started to make numerous surgical modifications to the SCP-1459-1 instance (such as removing a leg and attaching it to its back), until the instance died of blood loss.

Note: A cookie with four different ingredients on four sides was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Snider

Statement: "Kittenpocalypse."

Results: A currently unknown number of juvenile domestic felines (Felis catus) were disposed from the roof of SCP-1459, which attacked the SCP-1459-1 instance until it terminated. The rest of the felines were disposed of via the trapdoor.

Note: A short beep sound was played during the ending sequence.

Player: Dr. Shiro

Statement: "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Shiro

Statement: "The dawn of a new age."

Result: A 2'' x 8'' x 18'' black stone was lowered into the chamber along with several SCP-1459-1 instances. SCP-1459-1 instances split into 2 groups, one gathering around the stone and the others grouping in the far side of the chamber. Instances gathered around the stone spend several minutes observing it before attacking and killing the members of the other group. Surviving SCP-1459-1 instances are killed via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: Ending message changed to "So much for enlightenment". Fudge brownie with dimensions of .5'' x 2'' x 4.5'' containing walnuts dispensed.

Player: Dr. Heikkila

Statement: "Something that I would find funny."

Result: SCP-1459 slowly lowered an instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a miniature Christmas sweater to the tune of the theme of the 1984 film Terminator. After approximately half a minute, a mechanical hand lowered a jar filled with what were tentatively identified as driver ants (Dorylus). The hand then smashed the jar on the chamber floor in front of SCP-1459-1. The ants began to bite and tear at SCP-1459-1, which attempted to escape the chamber. After 2 minutes of this, SCP-1459-1 collapsed, twitching. A spiked bowling ball then fell on SCP-1459-1's skull, crushing it. The bowling ball then exploded in fireworks. The remains of SCP-1459-1 and the ants were then swept up in a dustpan with a miniature broom while a sound bite of the death noise from the video game Super Mario Brothers 3 played. Confetti then rained from the ceiling of SCP-1459, and the sound of a party-blower played. During all of this, Dr. Heikkila was chuckling softly to himself.

Note: The cookie was dispensed with a note taped on it that read "I know you don't like cookies". The cookie was tested for any anomalous properties, but none have been identified. Dr. Heikkila has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

Player: Dr. Muse

Statement: "The Apocalypse."

Result:SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Muse

Statement: "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Muse

Statement: "The wrath of God."

Result: SCP-1459-1 struck by a bolt of lightning from within SCP-1459 and instantly killed.

Note: Dr. Muse took a brief respite for his sight and hearing to recover before continuing.

Player: Dr. Muse

Statement: "The Four Pseudo-Puppies of the Apocalypse."

Result: Three Shih Tzu instances SCP-1459-1 descended from the hatch, one with a crown and white fur, one with a combat knife in its mouth and red fur, and one heavily emaciated with black fur. The white instance tackled SCP-1459-1 to the ground and then perched atop it as the red instance began stabbing the downed SCP-1459-1 and the black instance began mauling it. After thirty seconds, what appeared to be the animated skeleton of a Shih Tzu puppy descended from the hatch and dragged the remains into the trapdoor, followed by the three other instances.

Player: Dr. Muse

Statement: "Eviscerated by an inconceivable amount of dog-produced bees."

Result: SCP-1459-1's eyes spontaneously enucleated as an indeterminate number of bees flew out of its various orifices and began stinging it, with more bees continuing to exit the instance's body until the chamber was filled with bees. A mechanical arm carrying a vacuum descended shortly thereafter and removed the bees, then swept the cleanly disemboweled corpse of SCP-1459-1 into the trapdoor.

Note: A honey cookie with raisins was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Muse

Statement: "Consumed by one non-anomalous goldfish of ordinary size."

Result: Chamber filled to half capacity with water and SCP-1459-1 submerged to its neck by a mechanical arm. A single normal goldfish was lowered into the water and proceeded to consume SCP-1459-1 overnight.

Note: Despite the goldfish consuming the instance of SCP-1459-1 at the expected rate of a goldfish consuming a puppy, personnel returned in the morning to the sight of the water, SCP-1459-1's bones, and a bloated goldfish draining into the hatch.

Player: Dr. Hong

Statement: "Yāozhǎn." (Translation: 'Waist chop', a form of execution in ancient China.)

Result: SCP-1459 lowers a small wooden bench fitted with restraints into the chamber. SCP-1459-1 instance is seized by mechanical arms and forced to lie supine on the bench. Another arm, bearing a modified hacksaw, descends and proceeds to saw the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to a hemicorporectomy (translumbar amputation).

Player: Dr. Hong

Statement: "Lingchi." (Translation: 'Death by a thousand cuts.')

Result: As the SCP-1459-1 instance cowers prone, it is sliced by several blades on the limbs and posterior torso. SCP-1459-1 rolls over supine (common in canine body language to express submission or helplessness) and the blades continue to slice at the exposed abdomen. The last cut is to the bared throat of the SCP-1459-1 instance, severing the carotid artery and allowing the instance to expire.

Player: Dr. Hong

Statement: "Chángchéng." (Translation: 'Long Fortification', or more commonly, 'Great Wall'.)

Result: After a one-minute interval, SCP-1459 produces a folding table and laptop, scaled down so as to be commensurate with the provided SCP-1459-1 instance. The laptop is seen to display various content currently censored by the mainland Chinese government, including websites dedicated to pornography, the Taiwanese government, the Dalai Lama, and pro-democracy movements. SCP-1459 then produces three more instances of SCP-1459-1 wearing the uniform of the Public Security Bureau, which proceed to attack and kill the first instance.

Note: "Huh. I was not expecting that. Forgot it could mean the Great Firewall, too…" - Dr. Hong

Player: Dr. Hong

Statement: "Wanli chángchéng." (Translation: 'Ten-Thousand-League Long Fortification', more commonly referred to as the Great Wall of China.)

Result: One dozen instances of SCP-1459-1 are released, along with tools and building materials that include stone, brick, earth, and wood. Instances proceed to build a scale model of a portion of the Great Wall of China complete with battlements, guard and signal towers, barracks, and stairways. The work is clearly strenuous and hazardous; all but one of the SCP-1459-1 instances die during construction, the last collapsing and appearing to expire soon after completion. A thirteenth SCP-1459-1 instance, released after the completion of the Wall, whines upon seeing the other deceased instances and jumps off the parapet of the highest tower, dying on impact.

Note: "Now that's more like it." - Dr. Hong

Player: Dr. Morgenstern.

Statement: "Fifth Church."

Result: One instance was released, which transformed into a miniature clone of actor Robert Downey Jr. Instance proceeded to vomit thick, black smoke from its mouth for twelve minutes before transforming back. SCP-1459-1 seemed to suffer no ill effects. A pair of mechanical hands emerged from SCP-1459's ceiling with a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, which was used to bludgeon SCP-1459-1 to death.

Note: Cookie dispensed was mint and in a star shape. Had a burned taste, as if overbaked.

Player: Dr. Verzweiflung

Statement: "Antimatter."

Result: SCP-1459-1 crushed to death by a miniature replica of a quadrupole magnet from the CERN Antiproton Decelerator.

Player: Dr. Verzweiflung

Statement: "Titanium."

Result: A horizontal slot appeared on one side of SCP-1459 and ejected at high speed a silvery disc, which cleanly sliced off the head of SCP-1459-1 before shattering against the opposite wall of the enclosure. Subsequent analysis of video footage identified the disc as a CD single of the song "Titanium" by the French musician David Guetta.

Player: Dr. Gordon

Statement: "Spine rip."

Result: A 75-centimeter-tall door opened, allowing a similarly sized duplicate of the Mortal Kombat character Sub-Zero to enter SCP-1459. Sub-Zero gripped SCP-1459-1 by the back of the neck, tore SCP-1459-1's head and spine from its body, then held up the head and spine like a trophy, while a deep voice was heard declaring, "Sub-Zero wins! Fatality!"

Player: Dr. Davidson

Statement: "Titanic reenactment."

Result: The chamber was partially flooded with water and hundreds of icecubes were dropped into water. A small wooden raft and total of two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Cocker Spaniel instance was placed on the raft, while a gray mutt instance was dropped into the freezing water. After an exchange of few barks, the swimming instance sank and drowned. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method before chamber drained itself.

Note: A single cookie of seafood flavor was produced.

Player: Dr. Davidson

Statement: "300 reenactment."

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced and the bottom chute automatically opened. Both instances bark at each other. One then gives three loud distinctive barks and pounces the other instance into the open chute. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Dr. Davidson

Statement: "Puppy centipede."

Result: One Shiba Inu instance of SCP-1459-1 and two Cocker Spaniel instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. A mechanical arm then proceeded to [DATA EXPUNGED]. The middle instance was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: Two cookies were produced, resembling chocolate chip cookies, but with corn instead of chocolate chips.

Player: Dr. Davidson's assistant

Statement: "Jesus Christ!" (statement uttered in shock after hearing an explanation of SCP-1459's function)

Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Mechanical arms then placed three upright standing crosses in the middle of the chamber and bolted three of the instances, each to one cross. SCP-1459 then produced a scalpel-sized polearm and one of the mechanical arms poked a side of the instance bolted to the middle cross, while another arm equipped the same instance with a thorn crown. All three instances were terminated 6 hours later due to their injuries. All remaining instances were terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: Three cookies were produced, one of them dipped in wine. According to security footage, █ days later SCP-1459's bottom chute opened on its own and an instance of SCP-1459-1 identical to the instance bolted to the middle cross crawled out of the chute. 15 minutes later SCP-1459 proceeded to its default bludgeoning method of instance termination.

Player: Dr. Gallagher

Statement: Dr. Gallagher did not state a method, and instead screamed inarticulately for the entirety of the 15-second countdown.

Result: After a single instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a miniature version of Dr. Gallagher manifested, and proceeded to bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to SCP-1459's default method of termination, while screaming at approximately 100db for 5 minutes.

Note: The cookie produced was of the chocolate-chip variety; testing revealed it to contain toxic amounts of capsaicin.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor

Statement: "Time travel."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor

Statement: "A different method of time travel."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor

Statement: "A method of time travel which has never been used by the Win-A-Cookie machine to kill a puppy."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. John

Statement: "Emptying the recycle bin."

Result: A trash bin was dispensed then emptied into a trapdoor despite being already empty. SCP-1459 then proceeded to default bludgeoning method

Player: Dr. B███████e

Statement: "The power of rock."

Result: A single instance of SCP-1459-1 was lowered into SCP-1459, where it was promptly crushed by a large stone released from the top of the machine. As the remains of SCP-1459 where flushed down the trapdoor, a fragment of the song "█████ █████" by ██/██ was heard by observers. SCP-1459 then released one peanut butter cookie.

Player: Agent Fleir

Statement: "Limit break."

Result: 2 instances of 1459-1 were deposited on opposite sides of the box: one terrier with a gray wig with hair that covered the sides of its head, and one golden retriever with its fur sticking up so that it resembled blonde hair. The terrier was clutching a Masamune sword in its teeth, while the golden retriever was wielding an unidentified, much larger sword. The two instances stared at each other for several seconds, then rushed at each other and began growling and fighting. Both instances experienced serious sword-related injuries, with the terrier being defeated and killed. Several seconds later, the golden retriever died as well, apparently of exhaustion.

Player: Junior Researcher Kim

Statement: “Did you know that world-renowned writer Stephen King was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.”

Result: A single instance of SCP-1459-1 (St. Bernard) was generated, wearing eyeglasses, and seated at a typewriter. A car then emerged from the left wall and drove over the instance at high speed, before disappearing through the right wall. Typewriter and eyeglasses were undamaged. Cookie was a typical frosted sugar cookie with the letters "LOL" written in frosting on top of it.

Player: Mr. Mox

Statement: "Something that will show us how to kill SCP-682."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used.

Player: Mr. Mox

Statement: "Fine, give me something I'll enjoy."

Result: SCP-1459 deployed a film projector. The 1979 film Alien played, but with SCP-1459-1 instances in place of the human and android characters. All dialogue was replaced with barking and growling. SCP-1459-1 instances were killed at the appropriate places in the film. The remaining instance (Ripley) was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: Cookie was in the shape of the "Alien" egg from the film. Contained a gummy "facehugger" within a sugar cookie exterior.

Player: Junior Researcher Kim

Statement: "Bludgeoning, but the puppy is only to be hit exactly 7 times, and once this is completed, exactly 33.55 kg of Kingsford brand charcoal is to be placed on the puppy. 3 Samsung Galaxy s6 mobile phones are to placed around the puppy in a triangular formation, and each phone is to have both "Premium Tetris" and "Dog Barking Translator" installed on them. Once this is done, put a thermonuclear bomb inside the machine that is exactly 3 cm in width and 10 cm in height, and it is to be placed on the second Samsung Galaxy s6 placed in there. It is to be detonated using a functioning remote control made entirely out of sausages."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used.

Player: Dr. Langford

Statement: "Classical music."

Result: Ceiling hatch opened and dropped a miniature grand piano onto SCP-1459-1, killing it instantly. A second instance was placed into the chamber by mechanical arm. Second instance played the entire piece of 'The Marriage of Figaro' by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart on the mostly intact piano. Concluding the piece, two mechanical arms emerged from the top hatch and applauded for seven seconds before terminating the instance via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Junior Researcher Mike

Statement: "Forbidden Basement"

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as well as a latch on the floor leading down a stairwell. SCP-1459-1 started to whimper as he was forced to walk down the stairs by a mechanical arm. The latch shut when SCP-1459-1 instance was out of sight, and SCP-1459-1 was heard barking, then suddenly yelping. SCP-1459-1 instance became silent. Latch disappeared along with the mechanical hand.

Note: Cookie took 2 minutes to dispense, during which Junior Researcher Mike became uncomfortable. Cookie flavor was hard to determine but testing concluded that it was a vegan diet style cookie.

Player: Dr. Chris "Ox" Moran

Statement: "A four-sided triangle."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, and immediately beaten to death with a four-sided triangle.

Note: Dispensed cookie was in the shape of a four-sided triangle.

Player: Junior Researcher Jenkins

Statement: "The last means of disposal this machine will ever use."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed.

Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Oatmeal Raisin Cookie".

Player: Junior Researcher Jenkins

Statement: "The last unique means of disposal this machine will ever use."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed.

Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Unique Oatmeal Raisin Cookie".

Player: Dr. Fleming

Statement: "I like trains."

Result: A wooden train similar to SCP-737 plowed through the chamber at high speed, impacting SCP-1459-1 at approximately 750 km/h.

Note: Cookie was in the shape of a locomotive.

Player: Dr. Burns

Statement: "Rage."

Result: Two SCP-1459-1 instances were generated. One proceeded to attack the other. The attacked instance turned green, tripled in size, and mutilated its opponent. Three robotic arms, all thicker than usual, were required to restrain the instance as it was forced into the trapdoor.

Player: Dr. Burns

Statement: "Magnetism."

Result: SCP-1459-1 was crushed between what appeared to be two large neodymium magnets.

Note: Cookie was colored to reflect raspberry and grape flavor.

Player: Dr. Burns

Statement: "Dreaming."

Result: A large amount of sand poured from the top hatch, which quickly buried SCP-1459-1, suffocating the instance.

Note: Cookie had trace amounts of melatonin. Consumption did not result in any remembered dreams.

Player: Dr. Davidson

Statement: "Gordon Ramsay."

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Instance, which was described to be a white-brown bulldog equipped with a chef hat subdued the other instance. Mechanical arms then placed the subdued instance into an oven. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: A donut was produced instead of a cookie.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor

Statement: "'Super Mario Brothers'"

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a costume of the video game character ''Mario'' and a large yellow floating block with a large white Question Mark embossed on each face were produced. The Instance jumped up, striking the bottom of the block and causing a large specimen of Amanita muscaria to be expelled from the top of the block. Instance consumed the specimen, and expired 15 minutes later with symptoms consistent with A. muscaria poisoning.

Note: Cookie was shaped like mushroom; analysis showed no traces of toxins.

Player: unknown individual

Statement: "Shark Punching Centre"

Result: SCP-1459-1 instance was generated wearing a shark costume. Instance was terminated via bludgeoning with a boxing glove.

Note: Cookie was shaped like a boxing glove with the Letters "SPC" on it.

Player: Dr. Geralds

Statement: "Conversion of 0.1% of body mass into antimatter" (Dr. Geralds was behind a protective screen while making this statement) (test was unauthorized)

Result: An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. After approximately 15 seconds, the instance of SCP-1459-1 was destroyed almost instantly in a powerful explosion. As in Experiment #: 0239, the resulting explosion was completely contained by SCP-1459.

Note: Raisin cookie was determined to be heavily flavored with Capsicum chinense, commonly known as habanero peppers.

Player: Dr. A. Maliss

Statement: "Antimemetics"

Result: According to supervising staff, no SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. Despite this, a cookie was dispensed as normal.

Player: Researcher T. Umen

Statement: "Please, take me instead!"

Result: An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, along with a large pillow and two steel bowls filled with dog food and water. Approximately 5 minutes after initial activation, the SCP-1459-1 instance was killed via default bludgeoning method, and a robotic arm extended from and pulled Researcher Umen into SCP-1459. Researcher Umen remained within SCP-1459 for 2 days, during which he was provided dog food and water three times daily. On the end of the second day, Researcher Umen was forcibly expelled from the slot normally used by SCP-1459 to dispense cookies, along with a handwritten note reading "Nice Try."

Player: Dr. B. O'Doyle

Statement: "O'Doyle Rules"

Result: Five instances of SCP-1459-1 produced along with a station wagon appropriately sized for the SCP-1459-1 instances. Instances enter the vehicle and begin synchronized barking. Top hatch opened and a mechanical arm dropped a banana peel onto floor. The vehicle drove over the banana peel causing it to slide into the front of SCP-1459 at high speed. The vehicle then caught fire and exploded. Back wall of SCP-1459 opened and a mechanical arm wielding a red fire extinguisher emerged and put out the fire.

Note: Cookie produced consisted of various types of manure.

Player: Dr. Crocket

Statement: "Noodles"

Result: Unknown. After an instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a curtain covered up the box. A variety of sounds was heard, including lawnmowers, saxophones, and the 1973 song "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. After 10 minutes, the curtains lifted, revealing that SCP-1459-1 was dead. An olive on a stick was stuck in its back, and it was wearing a football helmet.

Note: Nothing related to noodles even happened.

Player: Dr. Edison

Statement: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"

Result: A SCP-1459-1 and four instances of American bison (Bison bison) are produced, all of which dressed in "University of Buffalo" apparel. Two of the bison then proceed to headbutt and cajole the other two Bison, leading to them accidentally trampling the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Note: Cookie produced was a sugar cookie covered in buffalo sauce.

Player: Dr. Cooke

Statement: "Mortal Kombat"

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced, one wearing yellow and one wearing Blue. The one wearing yellow threw a knife attached to a chain at the other instance, before pulling them together and ripping off the other's head.

Note: Cookie was coated with blood.

Player: Dr. Little

Statement: "Don't kill anything"

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appear. One instance had a gold-plated collar labeled "Anything". The second was bludgeoned in the default method.

Player: Dr. Clair

Statement: "Drowned in SCP-447-2"

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Note: Dr. Clair was demoted and reassigned.

Player: Dr. Edison

Statement: "In Soviet Russia, puppy kill YOU!"

Result: A single sugar cookie appears within SCP-1459's chamber. An entity resembling Josef Stalin emerges from a trap door below the chamber, and repeatedly smashes the cookie with a hammer. Rather than a cookie, several bloody chunks of dog flesh were dispensed.

Player: Dr. Carlson

Statement: "Censorship"

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Player: Researcher ████████

Statement: "Tert-butyllithium."

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 released. Robotic arm with a pipe on the end descended from the hatch, spraying a liquid hypergolic with the atmosphere in the room. Instance of SCP-1459-1 rapidly expired due to combustion of tissue.

Note: Cookie dispensed had high levels of lithium salts.

Player: Dr. Senaviev

Statement: "Suspicious circumstances"

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 released, followed by fog that obscured vision inside the chamber. When the fog dissipated, SCP-1459-1 was revealed to have been shot several times.

Player: Dr Snargle

Statement: "I have a severe egg allergy"

Result: Robotic arms pelted instance with several dozen eggs. Instance appeared confused, but unharmed. Eggs broke open on impact, and instance began eating their contents. After several minutes, instance became distressed and began clawing at its face, then began experiencing difficulty breathing, and eventually suffocated.

Note: Cookie dispensed had no traces of eggs.

Player: Dr Reynolds

Statement: "World War Three"

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 (Boston Terrier), wearing a cowboy hat and a US flag cape, was released on the left hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized LGM-30 Minuteman III missile. Shortly thereafter, a second SCP-1459-1 instance (Black Russian Terrier), wearing a Red Army Ushanka, was released on the right hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized SS-18 missile. Both instances proceeded to bark at each other for fifteen minutes, after which both missiles launched themselves at the opposing instances. The resulting nuclear detonations were completely contained by the machine.

Note: Dispensed cookie was decorated with frosting arranged to make the hazard symbol for ionizing radiation. Analysis showed it to contain trace amounts of iodine-131.

Player: Dr. Westrin

Statement: "Metaphysics"

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was released. After approximately 20 minutes, the instance received injuries consistent with being bludgeoned with a hammer. No cookie was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Westrin

Statement: "Pataphysics"

Result: A robotic arm extended from SCP-1459 and, through unknown narrative methods, proceeded to bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in the "Metaphysics" entry. It is currently unknown how this was accomplished.

Note: The word "META" was written in frosting on the cookie.

Player: Dr. Crocket

Statement: "Stupidity"

Result: 3 instances of SCP-1459-1 appear. Two of the instances were wearing custom dog-fitted shirts, reading "Vaccines are Death Injections" and "God Hates [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]" respectively. The two shirted instances, hereby SCP-1459-1-B and -C respectively, with the shirtless instance being -A, proceeded to bark at SCP-1459-1-A for 15 minutes. Throughout the 15 minutes, SCP-1459-1-A appeared physically distressed, covering its ears and attempting to ignore SCP-1459-1-B & -C. Eventually, SCP-1459-1-A self-terminated via repeated blunt force against SCP-1459's glass case. SCP-1459-1-B & -C terminated via the standard bludgeoning method.

Notes: This test may indicate that 1459 has opinions; alternately, it may fit subjective opinion around the user.

Honestly can't blame the little guy. I'd probably have done the same. - Dr. Crocket

Player: Junior Researcher Cuthbertson

Statement: "Marijuana overdose"

Result: One instance of SCP-1459-1 is released. A mechanical arm feeds the instance five peanut-shaped cookies. After about nine minutes, instance begins to show signs of THC intoxication. Instance does not appear distressed, as is common for canines who have ingested marijuana. After another eleven minutes, a hatch at the top of the machine falls open and a metallic slide lowers, terminating in a bowl. Additional peanut-shaped cookies are dispensed, which SCP-1459-1 proceeds to voraciously devour. Cookies are continually dispensed. Visible distention of the stomach shows after five minutes. The instance continues to eat for another three minutes until the stomach ruptures internally. Instance continues to attempt eating dispensed cookies for four minutes until it dies, apparently of internal hemorrhaging.

Note: Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC.

Player: Junior Researcher Cuthbertson

Statement: "Reefer Madness"

Result: Three instances of SCP-1459-1 are released. A mechanical arm feeds one instance (hereby -A,) a single peanut-shaped cookie. After four minutes, instance begins to show the following symptoms; dilated pupils, reduced motor skills, loss of balance, excessive drooling, heavy panting, and distressed vocalizations. After two minutes, the remaining instances (hereby -B and -C,) approach SCP-1459-A. SCP-1459-A proceeds to yelp and stagger away from SCP-1459-B and -C. After fleeing for three minutes, SCP-1459-A then begins to show signs of aggression, growling, barking, and baring its teeth. SCP-1459-A begins to viciously attack SCP-1459-B. SCP-1459-C attacks SCP-1459-A, but the instance does not appear to notice until the termination of SCP-1459-B. While SCP-1459-A has suffered significant damage, it has little difficulty terminating SCP-1459-C. SCP-1459-A dies of blood loss from its sustained injuries after five minutes.

Note: Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC and approximately 10mg PCP.

Player: Dr. Carlson

Statement: "Selachian Pugilism"

Result: The machine releases a single instance of SCP-1459-1 before filling with water. It then releases a small entity resembling an anthropomorphic shark and armed with boxing gloves. The shark-like entity proceeds to bludgeon SCP-1459-1 until it perishes, at which point it swims back into the ceiling hatch. The water is then drained, and the deceased SCP-1459-1 is removed as normal. The dispensed cookie contained small amounts of chum.

Note: Dr. Carlson displayed extreme anger throughout this test, seeming particularly outraged by the punching behavior of the shark-like entity. Any further shark-related incidents involving Dr. Carlson are to be reported to the Site Director immediately.

I want Carlson under constant surveillance. If those shark-punching idiots can infiltrate us, then God only knows what the real threats are getting away with. -Site Director G█████

Player: Researcher Garnier

Statement: "Do your worst"

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Note: Researcher Garnier and other researchers present administered amnestics and sent to psychological counselling. The cookie produced by SCP-1459 was in an advanced state of decomposition.

Player: Researcher Risotti

Statement: "Agincourt"

Result: A man in the garb of a 13th-century English longbowman manifests, and shoots SCP-1459-1 with an arrow, impaling it. The bowman then leaves through the floor hatch.

Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced a miniature baguette.

Player: Researcher Risotti

Statement: "Weebery"

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced, one of which is morbidly obese, wearing a miniature fedora, and carrying an appropriately-sized katana. A recorded voice is heard saying "お前はもう死んでいる" ("you are already dead" in Japanese) followed by another recorded voice saying "何!?" ("What!?"), after which the sword-wielding SCP-1459-1 disembowels and beheads the other SCP-1459-1; it then commits seppuku.

Note: Two cookies were dispensed. The cookies were white chocolate with red strawberry sauce on the middle, resembling a Japanese flag.

Player: Researcher ███

Statement: "Procedure 110-Montauk"

Result: SCP-1459-1 harmlessly removed through the hatch. A slightly different version of the default message ("You are definitely going to Hell for this") plays.

Note: One (1) plain cookie was produced; analysis indicated that it contained lethal amounts of cyanide. Researcher ███ amnesticized.

Player: Dr. Silva

Statement: "Music"

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Silva

Statement: "An orchestra"

Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced and begin playing appropriately-miniaturized violins, harps, cellos, trumpets, keyboards, and various others. After 90 seconds of music, one instance strikes another instance in the head with the slide of a trombone (possibly by accident); this triggers a fight, in which instances bludgeon and strangle each other with their instruments. The last survivor is the instance wielding a conductor's baton, who bows to personnel, then collapses and dies.

Player: Dr. Plidowski

Statement: "The Holy Inquisition"

Result: SCP-1459-1 manifests apparent symptoms of rabies, after which six (6) instances of juvenile Swiss mountain dogs, dressed in miniature Swiss Guard apparel, are produced, along with a single juvenile Argentine mastiff dressed in miniature Papal garb. They bark three times at the first SCP-1459-1, and then watch as SCP-1459 produces mechanical arms holding gasoline canisters and a matchbox, which it uses to light the first instance on fire. The other instances were terminated by the default bludgeoning procedure.

Note: Cookie was a communion wafer.

Player: Researcher Voct

Statement: "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z"

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. One bee emerges from the hatch, and stings SCP-1459-1. The instance dies of apparent anaphylaxis.

A second instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The tank rapidly fills with water and seaweed; the instance drowns, and is removed via the trapdoor, and the water and seaweed drain out.

A third instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling, holding a bra, with which they strangle the instance.

A fourth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, wearing stereotypical "raver" clothing and carrying glowsticks. Electronic music plays loudly and lights flash as the instance dances, stopping periodically to consume unidentified pills which are offered to it by the mechanical arms; after four hours, the instance manifests signs of MDMA overdose and dies.

A fifth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A crude but recognizable effigy of political figure [REDACTED], wearing signs that say "I HATE VOTERS", "I BETRAYED MY COUNTRY", and "I HATE DOGS" manifests, and falls on the instance, crushing it.

A sixth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, carrying an intravenous injection kit, plastic bag of powder, and bottle of liquid; notably, the instance is visibly malnourished and trembling, with multiple bald patches and sores. The instance mixes the powder with the liquid, injects the liquid into its own forearm, and then loses consciousness. A mechanical arm emerges from the ceiling, and pokes the instance, who twitches. Fifteen minutes later, the mechanical arm pokes the instance again; again, the instance twitches. This continues every fifteen minutes for three hours, at the end of which the instance is no longer responsive.

A seventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Its eyes swell up so much that they fall out of their sockets, but are still attached. The instance begins panicking, and begins pawing at the eyes, which by this point are larger than the instance's head; eventually, the instance falls such that the eyes roll on top of its head and crush its skull.

An eighth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. An estimated 30 blue jays (Cyanocitta cristata) emerge from the hatch and attack the instance, pecking it to death.

A ninth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and given a large trough of water. As the instance drinks, mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, holding a large bucket of powdered metal. The arms then invert the bucket over the trough. As the powder contacts the water, it explodes violently, killing the instance.

A tenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and crushed under a giant lemon.

An eleventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, as are 75 canisters of compressed oxygen. The mechanical arms open all the canisters; after four hours, the instance develops symptoms of oxygen toxicity, and dies after another 18 hours.

A twelfth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It begins urinating; after 22 days of continuous urination, the tank is full of urine, at which point the instance drowns.

A thirteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and bludgeoned with a pool cue.

A fourteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and crushed under an estimated 1.2 million Indian 1-rupee coins.

A fifteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, wielding several steaming teapots and teakettles; the arms empty these onto the instance, scalding it to death.

A sixteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced; notably, it is of the hairless Xoloitzcuintli breed. The mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, wielding high-intensity ultraviolet blacklights, which they shine on the instance. The instance rapidly develops third-degree burns and what appear to be multiple melanomas; as with the sixth instance, mechanical arms prod it every 15 minutes until, after 4 days, it is no longer responsive.

A seventeenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A double-sided plate-glass mirror drops from the ceiling hatch and bisects it longitudinally.

An eighteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. 10 mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling, wielding laboratory equipment; an eleventh arm restrains the instance, and takes a tissue sample. The other arms process the sample for karyotyping; after eleven days of processing, the completed karyogram reveals that the instance is XX (genetically female). The arms restrain the instance again, examine its genitalia, and then drop it through the trapdoor unharmed. A nineteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is likewise revealed to be genetically female, and dropped through the trapdoor unharmed; a twentieth instance, however, is revealed to be be XY (genetically male), and is bludgeoned to death with the lab equipment.

A twenty-first instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A man identified as American actor Douglas Fairbanks (1883-1939) manifests, wearing the cloak, sombrero, and mask, and wielding the sword, from his portrayal of the character "Zorro"; notably, Zorro was known for using a sword to slice a 'Z' into walls as a signature. Fairbanks draws the sword, and slices a 'Z' into the instance, who exsanguinates. Fairbanks then drops the sword, removes the sombrero and mask, takes a jar of cookies from under his cloak, and eats 21 cookies one by one, staring silently at observers the whole time. He then exits through the trapdoor. No cookies were dispensed.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "Use its entrails to have a conversation with me."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Note: Doctor Margin was attempting to conduct an interview with SCP-1459.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "God fucking damn it."(Note: Statement uttered after previous attempt failed)

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. SCP-1459-1 proceeds to appear agitated for several seconds, whimpering. Entity resembling SCP-343 appears and picks up SCP-1459-1. The bottom hatch opens, from which the sounds of whining and burning can be heard. Entity resembling SCP-343 lifted SCP-1459-1 over its head before throwing it violently into the hatch while screaming "FUCK YOU!" Entity then went through the top hatch.

Note: SCP-343 manifested immediately afterwards, took the cookie dispensed, ate it, and demanifested. When subsequently asked why it had done this, SCP-343 declined to answer.

I really hate this job sometimes. Still, interesting result. - Doctor Margin

Player: Doctor Griswold

Statement: “Someone who knows how to kill SCP-682.”

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Doctor Lucas

Statement: "Something which cannot kill SCP-682."

Result: A man wearing the uniform of a Foundation security guard emerges, wielding a shotgun. He fires repeatedly at the instance, missing each time. Once his ammunition is exhausted, he attempts several times to bludgeon the instance with the shotgun, but again misses each time. The instance is then terminated by the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Researcher Lane

Statement: "Your choice."

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Note: Cookie produced was described by Researcher Lane as "the best thing I've ever eaten." Researcher Lane is hereby banned from using SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Miller

Statement: "Samsung Galaxy Note 7"

Result: A Samsung Galaxy Note 7 on a standard charger appeared next to the SCP-1459-1 instance. 30 minutes later, the Note 7 exploded, instantly killing the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Willows

Statement: "Give it a bone."

Result: SCP-1459 emitted a noise signalling that the suggested method had already been used.

Note: Despite not performing any actions, one oatmeal cookie was dispensed. Dr. Willows stated that it tasted "extremely dry."

Player: Dr. Willows

Statement: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Result: A mechanical arm produced seven woodchucks (Marmota momax), each carrying a small log. The woodchucks proceeded to pelt SCP-1459-1 with the logs at rapid speeds, producing extra logs by anomalous means until the container was completely filled. The logs were dropped through the floor and into a series of high-powered chipping mechanisms, emptying the container within five minutes.

Note: Seven cookies were dispensed, each made entirely out of cork.

Player: Dr. Johnson

Statement: "Falling anvil"

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

I figured as much. -Dr. Johnson

Player: Dr. Johnson

Statement: "Grand piano"

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

That one too?! -Dr. Johnson

Player: Dr. Johnson

Statement: "Pushed off of a cliff by a boulder."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Why is all of the cartoon stuff already used? -Dr. Johnson.

Player: Dr. Johnson

Statement: "Hit on the head by an anvil, then crushed by a grand piano and pushed off of a cliff by a boulder."

Result: A cliff appeared with the SCP-1459-1 instance on it. The instance was then struck on the head by a falling anvil but survived. The instance was then crushed by a falling grand piano, but it survived. A boulder then appeared and the flattened instance was pushed off of the cliff.

Finally! -Dr. Johnson.

Player: Dr. Davidson

Statement: "The trolley problem."

Result: Trolley tracks manifested in the configuration of the trolley problem: 5 instances of SCP-1459-1 tied to the track, with a side track branching off it on which was tied 1 instance of SCP-1459-1, and a large lever marked "SWITCH". A trolley appeared in the distance, and drove slowly down the track until it reached the junction, at which point a robotic arm pulled the lever. The trolley then split in half, with one half crushing the five instances on the main track and the other half crushing the single instance on the branched track.

Player: Dr. Bannock

Statement: “Suicide”

Result: SCP-1459 produced its standard robotic arm with mallet. The SCP-1459-1 instance took the mallet from the robotic limb and proceeded to bludgeon itself with it for 15 minutes, until it was terminated.

Player: Dr. Bannock

Statement: “Enlightenment”

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating that the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Bannock

Statement: “Existentialism”

Result: SCP-1459-1 instance walked towards the front window of SCP-1459 and looked at Dr. Brötchen with a pleading expression while whimpering. This continued until the instance was then bludgeoned against the window in the default method.

Player: Dr. Bannock

Statement: “Portal”

Result: The entrance and exit of a small portal were formed on both sides of SCP-1459. The instance of SCP-1459-1 walked over to the entrance and proceeded through. As SCP-1459-1 was halfway through, the portal abruptly closed, severing the instance at the waist. The instance then exsanguinated.

Note: Cookie dispensed was in the shape of a cartoon heart.

Player: Dr. A. Maliss

Statement: "Outside of the machine"

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used; staff throughout the entire facility reported having heard the sound.

Player: Dr. A. Maliss

Statement: "Semantic dissociation"

Result: SCP-1459 was terminated via a cookie-chip chocolate. The default bludgeoning method dispensed an instance of SCP-1459-1, with all internal disassociation reverting shortly thereafter. The dispensed SCP-1459-1 instance was kept as a pet by Dr. Maliss until it began to go stale.

Player: Dr. A. Maliss

Statement: N/A. Dr. Maliss sang several bars of Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor.

Result: SCP-1459-1 instance was terminated by an industrial piston extending through the upper hatch. The piston extended in a "short-short-short-long" pattern, after which the remains of the instance were scraped through the trapdoor.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Michael Myers"

Result: An entity resembling Canadian actor and comedian Mike Myers appeared, then bludgeoned the SCP-1459-1 instance to death.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "No, Michael Myers the slasher villain."

Result: Two SCP-1459-1 instances were produced. They began to copulate, at which point an entity resembling Canadian actor and comedian Mike Myers manifested. The entity produced a large kitchen knife, with which it terminated and mutilated the SCP-1459-1 instances before demanifesting.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "No, Michael Myers from the John Carpenter movies!"

Result: Two SCP-1459-1 instances were produced. They began to copulate, at which point a humanoid entity wearing a bleached white William Shatner mask and a dark green jumpsuit manifested. The entity produced a large kitchen knife, with which it terminated the SCP-1459-1 instances. Before demanifesting, the entity removed its mask to reveal the face of Canadian actor and comedian Mike Myers.

Close enough. -Dr. Carlson.

Player: Dr. ████████

Statement: "Something I would find funny."

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 began rapidly flying around SCP-1459's chamber, while a rapidly-changing sawtooth tone played. Instance exploded after approximately 15 seconds.

Note: Dr. ████████ has been unable to comment, as all mention of this event has caused him to laugh hysterically.

(For the following three experiments, D-1443, chosen for their inability to understand Japanese, is chosen and instructed by Researcher Eri to do three experiments with the same statement for each time.)

Player: D-1443

Statement: "Fubuki ni korosareru."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used.

Someone went for it, I see. But carry on. -Researcher Eri

Player: D-1443

Statement: "Fubuki ni korosareru."

Result: An anomalous ship, which lacks a propeller but instead has at least 100 feet with which it walks, fires all its guns upon SCP-1459-1.

Note: A cookie in the shape of a snowflake was dispensed. Post-incident investigation reveals the ship to be identical to WW2-era IJN Fubuki except for its anomalous method of movement.

An entire ship's guns just to kill a puppy. Talk about excessive force. Next. -Researcher Eri

Player: D-1443

Statement: "Fubuki ni korosareru."

Result: A young woman in Foundation uniforms, her hair tied in a short ponytail, fires a Foundation standard-issue pistol upon SCP-1459-1.

Note: A cookie in the shape of a different snowflake from the second experiment was dispensed. Post-incident investigation reveals the woman to be similar to a female Site-17 Security Officer who is not aware of SCP-1459's properties and, in fact, have never visited Sector-25. The security officer and Researcher Eri are found out to have never known each other.

Now that was just out of the blue. -Researcher Eri

Player: Dr. Cleveland

Statement: "Saddam Hussein collapsed."

Result: A statue of Saddam Hussein falls over the SCP-1459-1 instance, crushing it.

Note: The cookie was in the shape of the nation of Iraq.

Player: Jr. Researcher Gregorius

Statement: "Prime Directive"

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 manifested, one wearing leather armor and posturing aggressively, the other undressed, laying on its back and exposing its throat in a typical canine gesture of submission. A third instance, wearing a version of the Federation captain's uniform from Star Trek: The Next Generation manifested, accompanied by the visual and auditory effects which the series used to indicate teleportation. This instance shook its head, and then demanifested with the same visual and auditory effects. The aggressive instance then tore open the submissive instance's throat. The submissive instance exsanguinated, after which the aggressive instance was executed via the default bludgeoning method.

Note: Two cookies dispensed; plain with sugar frosting. Frosting was in the shape of a Federation "comm-badge" from the aforementioned TV series.

Player: Jr. Researcher Petersen

Statement: "ΩK-Class Scenario."

Result: One instance of SCP-1459-1 appeared, and was subjected to several forms of seemingly fatal trauma, including the default bludgeoning method, evisceration, at least three distinct type of explosion, and what is believed to be an instance of minor spaghettification as a result of exposure to a black hole, surviving all of these. After half an hour, a switch blade was produced and used to finally execute the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Note: Five cookies dispensed; four chocolate chip cookies, and one fortune cookie. The fortune inside read "Not in this timeline, buddy."

Player: Dr. Sheath

Statement: "Linear acceleration"

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Sheath

Statement: "Cosmic instinct forged through metaphorical interference"

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Sheath

Statement: "Something brand new"

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Sheath

Statement: N/A. Dr. Sheath made guttural throat sounds while clapping repeatedly.

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Sheath

Statement: "Gun"

Result: A mechanical arm brandished a Remington 870 shotgun at SCP-1459-1 for approximately ten (10) seconds, before using the shotgun to terminate SCP-1459-1 via bludgeoning.

Player: Junior Researcher Jacob Hernandez (accompanied by Junior Researcher Samantha Fischer)

Statement: "Sans Undertale"

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 manifested within the chamber: one normal, and one skeletal but animate. The skeletal instance's left eye socket began to glow blue, before the apparent direction of gravity within SCP-1459 began to shift violently, not affecting the skeletal instance but killing SCP-1459-1 through blunt force trauma. After SCP-1459-1 was deceased, a second SCP-1459-1 instance manifested in its place and underwent the same process as the original. This cycle recurred 37 total times before a kitchen knife manifested near the ceiling of SCP-1459 and fell on the skeletal instance, which collapsed into dust.

Notes: 37 heart-shaped cookies, all of the cinnamon variety and with butterscotch chips, as well as the ingredients to make a 38th, were dispensed.

Player: Dr. ████████

Statement: "Everyone is dead."

Result: A dead instance of SCP-1459-1 manifested. The robotic arms prodded, shook and palpated it for several minutes, then attempted to perform cardiac massage, but eventually pushed the instance through the trapdoor.

Notes:

God dammit. -Dr. ████████

Player: Dr. ████████

Statement: "Everyone is dead except Kirby."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was deposited. The instance exhibited signs of anxiety for ██ seconds, before abruptly being vaporized by a luminous beam.

Notes: 7.3 kg of ash was dispensed.

That's more like it, but where's my cookie? -Dr. ████████

Player: Researcher Fujiwara

Statement: "Hokuto Hyakuretsu Ken!"

Result: Two robotic arms punched the instance of SCP-1459-1 exactly one hundred (100) times in the span of 6 seconds. Instance seemingly unharmed for approximately 7 seconds, after which its head and abdomen swelled rapidly before exploding and covering the walls with blood.

Nani? -Dr. ████████

Player: Researcher Fujiwara

Statement: "ZA WARUDO!"

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 produced along with an analog clock. A voice was heard shouting "THE WORLD", at which point the instance froze in place and the clock ceased functions. Fifteen (15) daggers descended from the top hatch before freezing in midair, followed by a road roller which also froze in midair. Robotic arms rapidly punched the road roller, forming several dents and moving it further down towards the instance. A voice was heard saying "And so, time flows again", after which the instance was skewered by the daggers and crushed by the road roller, which then exploded. Clock remained intact and resumed normal functions.

Player: Dr. Mannister

Statement: "Pulled apart as slowly and painfully as possible."

Result: The front panel of SCP-1459 temporarily open long enough for the SCP-1459-1 instance to escape. After a quarantine period, it was entrusted to the care of Wilson's Wildlife Solutions.

Notes: One graham cracker was dispensed, decorated with a list of nearby churches written in tuna-flavored icing.

Player: Dr. Hadley

Statement: "Homestuck."

Result: Twelve instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, wearing plastic horns of various sizes and shapes, and marked with symbols of various colors. After approximately 30 seconds, one instance was given several weapons by a robotic arm and began to bludgeon, slash, and stab other instances to death with them. Each instance had a different blood color. This continued until another instance used its paw to lightly tap the instance’s muzzle several times. A white ball was then dispensed; the ball exploded, terminating the remaining instances.

Notes: The cookies dispensed were shaped like pumpkins and had question marks on them.

[D8A EXPUNGED]. - Dr. Serket

Player: Dr. Kikandi

Statement: "Death by Vergil"

Result: A second instance of SCP-1459-1 (Bearded Collie) was dispensed along with the first. The second instance had a short blue jacket on and held a knife in its jaw. A robotic arm held down a speaker above the chamber. Second instance proceeded to attack the first instance for while the speaker commented on its effectiveness. After fifteen minutes, the second instance turned away from the first and dropped the knife, at which point the first instance exploded. Another fifteen minutes passed and the second instance was beaten to death with what appeared to be a cane.

Notes: The cookies dispensed had Smokin' Sexy Style written on them in red frosting and are pending anomalous analysis.

I should make this more clear next time. - Dr.Kikandi

Player: Dr. Kikandi

Statement: "Death by Gospel" - This is a substitute for the word 'virgil'

Result: A group of thirteen instances were dispatched, along with 6 pews, a pedestal, and a small book. One instance stood behind the pedestal, held the book aloft, and barked for thirteen hours as the other instances howled in response. All instances collapsed of exhaustion shortly thereafter.

Notes: 13 communion wafers were dispensed instead of cookies.

There we go. I was looking for something more akin to this. - Dr.Kikandi

Player: Dr. Redmond

Statement: "Delete System 32"

Result: An apparently stillborn instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced. For several minutes mechanical hands attempted resuscitation. The movements became more and more agitated, then smacked the instance several times and pushed it through the trapdoor.

Note: Instead of a cookie, one tablespoon of flour was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Tyler

Statement: "Random Crit"

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459 ( -A and -B) were produced. SCP-1459-A wore a red coat with two orange symbols depicting rockets on the sleeves, and a bandolier with three grenades. SCP-1459-B wore a blue fire-retardant suit and gas mask with two orange symbols depicting a flame on the sleeves, as well as a bandolier with 3 grenades; it also wielded a flamethrower. All clothes and weapons were consistent with the art style of the video game "Team Fortress 2". SCP-1459-B ignited SCP-1459-A, but SCP-1459-A launched a rocket shooting red bolts of electricity. It impacted with SCP-1459-B, reducing them to little more of a pile of blood and organs. SCP-1459-A howled, but soon succumbed to the fire.

Player: Dr. White

Statement: Dr. White said "SCP six eight" and was abruptly punched in the mouth by the attendant security guard.

Result: A SCP-1459-A instance was produced. A figure made of metal wire in the crude shape of a dog appeared and touched the SCP-1459-A instance causing it to die via an electric shock. The metal figure was then destroyed via the standard bludgeoning method.

Note: Dr. White is banned from further testing with SCP-1459

Player: Dr. Ash

Statement: "Death Ray"

Result: A SCP-1459-A instance was produced and the chamber was filled with water. A whiptail stingray (Dasyatidae family), with a white marking shaped like a canine skull on its skin, swam out of the bottom hatch and stung the SCP-1459 instance.

Player: Dr. Ash

Statement: "Stingray"

Result: A SCP-1459-A instance was produced. The top hatch opened and a massive (0.5 meter long) wasp of unknown species emerged. The SCP-1459 instance became greatly distressed and started whimpering and pawing at the side of the chamber. The wasp then shot a faintly visible beam of light out of its stinger setting the SCP-1459-1 instance on fire.

Player: Dr. Ash

Statement: "Tortured to death in the cruelest, most disgusting, most twisted, most humiliating, most traumatic and most painful way possible."

Result: No activity for five minutes; Dr. Ash then approached the machine and tapped on the side of the glass. A few seconds later a sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Walker

Statement: "Killed in the least painful and traumatic way possible."

Result: A SCP-1459-A instance was produced. The top hatch opened and started releasing a pale orange gas. Upon inhaling the gas, the SCP-1459-A instance seemed to become excited and started panting and wagging its tail. Over the next ten minutes its tail began wagging at an increasing rate until its speed far exceeded what should be biologically possible. After fifteen minutes the SCP-1459-A instance exploded into brightly colored confetti.

Note: Cookie produced was a frosted sugar cookie. Dr. Walker notes this is her favorite type of cookie.

Player: Dr. Peterson

Statement: “SCP-173.”

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-A were produced, the first of which wore clothing similar to standard D-Class uniforms, and the second of which was hairless and had been painted to resemble SCP-173. The first instance displayed agitation and attempted to stare at the other instance, who remained immobile. After approximately five minutes, a curtain descended over the instances. A scraping sound was heard, followed by a loud snap; when the curtain rose, the first instance was dead. The second instance remained motionless until the bottom hatch opened and it fell through.

Player: Researcher Voct

Statement: "An accurate translation of the Voynich manuscript."

Result: Instance was bludgeoned with a large book whose cover read, "Accurate translation of the Voynich manuscript". Book was dropped through the hatch with the dead instance.

Player Dr. Ash

Statement "Invasive surgery"

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used.

Player Dr. Ash

Statement "Grief"

Result:Five instances were produced. instances played together for an hour, after which 4 of the instances were terminated by default bludgeoning method. Bodies not disposed of. Remaining instance sniffed and poked the bodies, then climbed atop them and began howling and whimpering nonstop. Observers noted that the instance manifested visible signs of malnutrition much more quickly than expected; after six days of whimpering and howling, instance starved to death.

Note Cookie was in the shape of a teardrop.

Player Dr. Goldberg

Statement: “Digging straight down”

Result: SCP-1459 filled with gravel, with an instance of SCP-1459 at the top. The instance dug a hole straight down until it reached the bottom of SCP-1459, at which point the walls of the hole collapsed and the instance suffocated.

Player: Dr. Goldberg

Statement: “Blown up by creepers.”

Result: Several SCP-1459 instances manifested, all but one dressed as "creepers" from the computer game Minecraft. The creeper instances surrounded the non-creeper instance, and exploded.

Player: Researcher Evans

Statement: "Burger King foot lettuce."

Result: SCP-1459-A instance was placed into a small plastic bin of lettuce. Two robotic arms wearing black cap-toe dress shoes stomped on the SCP-1459-A instance repeatedly until it was crushed to death.

Player: Doctor Lewis

Statement: "Oh hi, Mark!"

Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-A are produced, and re-enact the events of what was subsequently identified as the 2003 film ''The Room'', with all dialogue replaced by barking and other canine vocalizations. At the climax, when the character of "Johnny" (originally portrayed by the film's writer/director Tommy Wiseau) is supposed to shoot himself, the actual Tommy Wiseau manifested, patted the "Johnny" instance on the head, said "Hi, doggy!", took the gun from it, and then shot it and the other instances. Wiseau then left through the hatch.

Note: No cookies were dispensed. Ongoing Foundation surveillance of Wiseau was interrupted by a series of technical failures at the time of this experiment; when surveillance resumed, Wiseau was eating cookies.

Player: Doctor Alex Coleiro

Statement: " SCP-610."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced. A mechanical arm holding a piece of SCP-610 was introduced to the chamber, and made contact with the SCP-1459 instance. During the next 2 hours, the SCP-1459-1 instance underwent the process of SCP-610 infection and was disposed of via trapdoor.

Note: Cookie produced was bright red; analysis revealed red color was the result of standard food coloring.

Player: Doctor Kent

Statement: "Anti-vax parents."

Result: Five instances of SCP-1459-1 manifest: one wearing a lab coat, stethoscope, and head mirror, and wielding a syringe; one wearing a dress; and three newborns. The labcoat-wearing instance attempts to inject the newborns with the syringe, but is killed by the dress-wearing instance. The newborn instances then rapidly develop symptoms of canine distemper, as does the dress-wearing instance; 14 hours after the onset of symptoms, all instances have died.

Note: Cookie dispensed contained numerous essential oils.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "Everything you hate."

Result: SCP-1459-1 instance manifest and is bludgeoned with a large plaque bearing the inscription "Everything I hate."

Note: Son of a bitch. I thought we might learn something useful! And who took my cookie? - Doctor Margin

Player: Junior Researcher Tawnes

Statement: “John Wick”

Result: A man identified as actor Keanu Reeves, as he appears in the action movie John Wick, appears. Reeves draws a handgun, aims at the SCP-1459-1 instance, then begins weeping and drops the gun. He drops to his knees and embraces the instance. Both then fall through the trapdoor.

Note: I wouldn’t have expected any less, to be honest. - Junior Researcher Tawnes

Player: Junior Researcher Mistopheles

Statement: “Weird Al"

Result: A man identified as musician Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic, as he appears in the music video for Dog Eat Dog, appears. Weird Al proceeds to perform the song Dog Eat Dog with a band consisting of instances of SCP-1459-1. Following the completion of the song, the instances of SCP-1459-1 then proceed to attack each other, biting off portions and swallowing them, until only one instance remains. Weird Al then proceeds to consume the last remaining SCP-1459-1 instance in the same manner as the others, before leaving through the trapdoor.

Note: Jesus fucking Christ. If you like a famous person, do NOT put their name in this. I can't listen to Weird Al the same way ever again. - Junior Researcher Mistopheles

Player: Dr. A. Maliss.

Statement: "Acausality".

Result: A noise indicating this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. A. Maliss.

Statement: None.

Result: A cookie is dispensed, and a deceased instance of SCP-1459-1 raises from the trapdoor to the upper hatch of the machine, spontaneously animating partway through its ascent. Dr. Maliss then speaks the word "Acausality" for the second time.

Player: Dr. Clef

Statement: "Something I would do."

Result: [REDACTED]

Note: You know what? I'm going to get Konny to use this thing. - Dr. Clef. Note from O5 Council: by unanimous decision, Doctor Kondraki is banned from use of SCP-1459.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "Something that will never happen."

Result: SCP-1459-1 is bludgeoned with a copy of Half-Life 3.

Note: Doctor Margin's cookie has still not been found.

Player: Dr. Sakamoto

Statement: "Metroid."

Result: A green, jellyfish-like creature latches on to the SCP-1459-1 instance, causing it significant distress as the creature then proceeds to drain its bodily fluids. The creature detaches itself from the instance and floats up the top hatch. The instance, now a withered husk, disintegrates into dust.

Note: Cookie emanated bright purple glow and had a rejuvenating effect on Dr. Sakamoto upon consumption.

Player: Dr. Flipper

Statement: “Dumb ways to die.”

Result: A blue SCP-1459-1 was dropped into the compartment and has its head set alight. The instance run towards the front of the machine before bursting into flames. Another 20 instances of SCP-1459-1 are killed in ways all resembling the characters off of the hit Australian advert, “Dumb Ways to Die” by Metro trains. After the final plush was killed, a hologram appeared on the back of the machine saying “Be safe around trains” underneath the Metro trains logo.

Note: The received cookie was in the shape of the character Stumble after his death in Dumb Ways to Die.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "Current events."

Result: SCP-1459 filled with redcurrants and blackcurrants (genus Ribes), until SCP-1459-1 was crushed.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "No, 'current' spelled with an E.'

Result: SCP-1459 filled with copies of the 1985 jazz album "Current Events", by John Abercrombie, with Marc Johnson and Peter Erskine, until SCP-1459-1 was crushed.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "No, I mean the news!"

Result: SCP-1459-1 trampled to death by a herd of gnus (genus Connochaetes).

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "No! I mean, what's happening!"

Result: SCP-1459-1 torn apart by five humans identified as the primary cast of the American situation comedy "What's Happening!!" (ABC, 1976-1979).

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "… you're doing this on purpose, aren't you."

Result: SCP-1459-1 eaten by a spectacled porpoise (Phocoena dioptrica).

Note: All that, and no damn cookie. Not one. - Doctor Margin

Player: Researcher Lang

Statement: "SPC-" (Note: SCP-1459 commenced test before Researcher Lang could finish speaking)

Result: SCP-1459-1 produced was wearing a plush shark costume. Several mechanical arms subsequently punched it to death.

Note: I swear, I didn't mean to say that! - Researcher Lang.

Player: Janitor Lupasu

Statement: "Massive anime ti-" (Note: Guards tased Lupasu before he could finish speaking)

Result: One instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Two large humanoids similar in appearance to Japanese anime characters Mina Ashido and Naruto Uzumaki sit at a large table with a kettle of tea on top. The tea kettle falls and crushes the instance.

Note: Cookie produced was Sencha-flavored.

Player: Guest Junior Technical Writer Matthew Bradley

Statement: Acne.

Result: One SCP-1459-1 instance is produced. The SCP-1459-1 instance rapidly develops large pimples all over its body, causing it great discomfort. As the SCP-1459-1 instance frantically scratches at itself and rolls around, trying to eliminate the pimples, the pimples rapidly swell up and burst open, spraying the sides of the chamber with pus and causing extreme bleeding, until the SCP-1459-1 instance expires of exsanguination.

Notes: Cookie dispensed was lemon-flavored and covered in white nuts resembling pimples.

Note: After what I just witnessed, I don't have any desire to eat anything for today. -GJTW Bradley

Player: Guest Junior Technical Writer Bradley

Statement: Galeem.

Result: Several bolts of solid light emerged from one end of SCP-1459 and haphazardly impaled SCP-1459-1, leaving it stunned in pain and struggling to stand, but not terminated. Moments later, SCP-1459 was filled with a light that rapidly grew in intensity, visibly disintegrating the body of SCP-1459-1; within roughly 4 seconds, the light within the chamber was far too bright for any activity to be observed, as anyone who looked at it would be temporarily blinded and any camera viewing it would have its footage or photos be completely whited out. The light faded after 1 minute, leaving absolutely no trace of SCP-1459-1 within the chamber, not even blood or viscera; it is likely that it was reduced to its constituent atoms and vaporized. The dispensed cookie was pure white, and SCP-1459 was unusually silent as the cookie was dispensed.

Notes: AUGH!!! MY EYES, THEY BURN!!! This was a terrible idea!!! -GJTW Bradley

Player: Guest Junior Technical Writer Bradley

Statement: Dharkon.

Result: The light within SCP-1459 dimmed as though absorbed by a mysterious force, and SCP-1459-1's legs were impaled and pulled apart by several dark tentacles that emerged from the sides of the chamber, causing it to cry out in pain. Moments later, several more tentacles emerged from the bottom of the chamber and impaled SCP-1459-1's body, lifting it up into the air, with a couple of tentacles impaling its brain and chest; SCP-1459-1 did not cry out in pain despite bleeding profusely, and was likely terminated instantly by the destruction of its brain and heart. The tentacles began lifting SCP-1459-1's corpse into the hatch at the top of SCP-1459-1, while the light within the chamber continued to dim; within 4 seconds, the chamber's interior was so dark that even low-light viewing technology showed it as a solid black space, though thermal imagery showed the corpse of SCP-1459-1 vanishing into the space at the top of SCP-1459 and the usual array of robotic arms emerging from the hatch and cleaning the chamber as normal. The chamber of SCP-1459 returned to normal lighting after 1 minute, by which time the corpse of SCP-1459-1 had been fully disposed of and the chamber had been completely cleaned. The dispensed cookie was pitch-black as though it had been thoroughly burned; chemical analysis indicated that the cookie was not actually burnt. SCP-1459 was silent while dispensing the cookie.

Player: Agent Foxx

Statement: Please, just let me pet one.

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1, with an identification card of Scott R. Foxx walked to the front of SCP-1459, and the front glass opened. However, when Foxx reached for the instance, SCP-1459 abruptly shut and the instance was terminated via default bludgeoning.

Note: Foxx was restrained due to excessive agression, and assaulting SCP-1459. No cookie was dispensed.

Player: SCP-076-2 (Note: This was an unauthorised test which took place during a breach of containment by 076-2. Upon finding SCP-1459, and reading testing logs left in the chamber when the research team evacuated, SCP-076-2 attempted to test the machine. The results were recorded by surveillance cameras.)

Statement: That bastard Cain getting what's coming to him.

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appeared, one dressed to resemble SCP-073, the other dressed to resemble SCP-076-2. The 076-2 instance proceeded to brutally attack the other instance using its teeth, claws and multiple weapons dispensed into the chamber. Upon the death of the first instance, the second was terminated via default bludgeoning.

Note: SCP-076-2 was seen to cheer and clap during the termination, but became angry when the second instance was killed. Cookie could not be identified as 076-2 ate it. 076-2 was subsequently recontained.

Player: Dr. Cameron

Statement: SCP-4999

Result: One instance of 1459-1 appeared wearing military K9 tactical gear. Appeared to collapse, at which point shutters lowered over 1459s viewing port. Five minutes later, they lifted. The 1459 instance had died of unknown causes while gnawing on what appears to be a rawhide. A crushed cigarette could be found on the floor of the viewing chamber. Chamber bottom emptied as normal.

Note: Machine dispensed standard cookie, as well as one crushed cigarette butt. Cookie noted to contain traces of nicotine.

Player: Dr. Morrell

Statement: "YMCA"

Result: One instance of 1459-1 was bludgeoned, with horns playing after each hit. Then five other 1459-1 instances, one dressed as a policeman, one as a soldier, one as a Native American, one as a construction worker, and one in a leather outfit, appeared and started barking rhythmically, also lifting their upper limbs to resemble the letters "Y", "M", "C" and "A", before all were rolled over by a giant cylindrical stone with the words "DISCO SUCKS" engraved in it.

Note: Cookie had colored frosting resembling a rainbow.

Player: Doctor Margin

Statement: "Something that won't live up to the hype."

Result: SCP-1459-1 is bludgeoned with a copy of Half-Life: Alyx and a VR Headset.

Note: Getting real tired of my cookie always going missing. - Margin

Player: Dr. Eilander

Statement: "Anaphylaxis"

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A small Petri dish containing several shelled macadamia nuts is also produced. Distress is apparent in SCP-1459-1's reaction to the dish. SCP-1459-1 eventually slumps over on the ground. It can be concluded the nuts induced an Anaphylactic shock which went untreated.

Note: Dr. Eilander, being deathly allergic to tree-nuts himself, experienced similar symptoms after the cookie was dispensed. Analysis of the cookie shows clear traces of almonds, walnuts and macadamia nuts. It is unclear if SCP-1459 is aware of Dr. Eilander's allergy. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Heart attack."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It is followed by an entity resembling a canine heart with 4 arthropod-like legs, 4 spiny tentacles, and a sharp stinger. The entity immediately attacked and terminated the SCP-1459-1 instance, before being returned through the upper hatch.

Note: Dispensed cookie was in the shape of an anatomically correct heart.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Scarlett Johansson's phone number."

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Note: Hey, it was worth a try. -Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Yeah, we're totally going to Hell for this."

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It defecates a smaller instance that rapidly grows in size until it is approximately 10% larger than the original instance. The original instance then shrinks to 1% of its original size and is consumed whole by the new instance. This cycle repeats 8 times; the final instance, twice as large as the original, defecates a miniature version of SCP-2030-1, which is wearing a large iron pot over its head. The entity retrieves a small hidden camera from under the SCP-1459-1 instance's tongue, then recites the following monologue: "Recursion is a funny thing, isn't it? Every time it's the same, but just a little bit different. Sometimes you get bigger, sometimes you get smaller, but always you get laugh! And isn't laugh fun? Laugh! Laugh! Smile and laugh and make the laugh and laugh your life!" The SCP-1459-1 interest then shrinks to 1% of its original size. The miniature SCP-2030-1 picks up the shrunken SCP-1459 instance, rolls it into a ball as if it is made of soft clay, and places the ball in its pocket. It is then lifted into the upper hatch by the mechanical arm.

Note: Foundation-operated web analysis bot Delta-09 ("LAUGHSTOP") has yet to locate any episodes of SCP-2030 titled "Recursion" or depicting the events of this test.

Alright, enough fooling around. Let's do some science. -Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Painlessly euthanized."

Result: The instance of SCP-1459-1 was injected with a transparent, colorless liquid. It fell asleep and perished within 1 minute before being removed.

Note: Now, I'm going to test the limits of what the machine recognizes as the same input.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Euthanized painlessly."

Result: A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted.

Note: Changing word order does not count.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Euthanized without pain."

Result: A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted.

Note: Nor does adding words without changing meaning substantially.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Euthanasia."

Result: A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted.

Note: No synonyms. Now for some meta stuff.

Player: Dr. Lee Roy Carlson

Statement: "Terminated by the same method used in the last successful attempt."

Result: A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted. Despite this, a peanut butter cookie identical to the one dispensed after that test was produced.

Note: Interesting. The machine refused to repeat the attempt but it still rewarded me for creativity. I bet it won't work again, though.

Player: D-5783 (as instructed by Dr. Lee Roy Carlson)

Statement: "SCP-939." Note: D-5783 was told that SCP-939 is a large, neon green octopus. It was definitively established that D-5783 has no knowledge of the real SCP-939.

Result: An entity resembling a miniaturized SCP-939 specimen manifested. It imitated various canine noises before v