Michael JF Matheron, Monday, April 6, 2015, 7:00 pm, Lynchburg, Virginia

Two weeks ago on March 23rd, Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced his candidacy for the GOP nomination for President. Speaking at a student and faculty convocation at the Christian evangelical Liberty University, Cruz was then the first GOP candidate to officially enter the fray. Later today, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul became the second declared 2016 presidential candidate, although given developments in the Cruz camp, Senator Paul’s announcement is irrelevant. You see, just before Paul’s presidential campaign launch, Cruz had morphed from candidate Cruz to President-Elect Cruz.

Genesis. During the two-weeks since Cruz announced his candidacy, he stacked millions of mostly small denomination donation dollars into his war chest, and ascended in the well-regarded Public Policy Polling poll to 16% support among other potential GOP candidates, trailing the present leader, Scott Walker, by four points. Then, Rand Paul, as yet unannounced, pulled in 10% support in the same poll.

Although Cruz’s initial Liberty University speech on March 23rd commencing his campaign for the GOP presidential nomination was not as raucous with enthusiasm as he possibly hoped (for example, a mildly rambunctious cadre of Rand Paul supporters was quite visible during the assembly), he nevertheless headed skyward with a bang, a mild bang, but a bang, nonetheless.

Apparently, much has happened then and now. Early today, Cruz campaign staff hurriedly arranged his second appearance at a Liberty University convocation, frankly admitting they intended to seize the occasion to render Rand Paul’s entry into the race “utterly futile. We are launching a pre-emptive strike.” And indeed, it was. Pure political shock and awe.

At 9:45 a.m., Lynchburg, Virginia time, R. Ted Cruz embraced the title of President-Elect of the United States only a fortnight after announcing his candidacy, heretofore considered merely the first step toward achieving the presidency. Obviously, presidential contender did not suit the former Texas Senator. According to Spud McKay, campaign intern Chief-of-Staff,

“When we heard last week that Rand Paul would enter the field this afternoon, we realized that others too might do the same, creating utter confusion. We do not need another GOP primary season like the last one, evenly split between the batty and the crazed. President-Elect Cruz’s bold move guarantees that bickering and dirt-throwing will not again turn off primary and general election voters. And note that Rand Paul may now, in good conscience, seek re-election to the United States Senate in 2016.

Yes, it is an unusual move to courageously declare himself President-Elect 19 months before November 2016, but focus groups assure us the American people will eventually admire his departure from ‘business as usual’.”

I interrupted to ask whether Cruz had informed the other as yet unannounced Republican and Democratic candidates before making his decision to cancel the primary seasons and the general election. He replied, somewhat indirectly, but effectively:

“You’ll remember that two weeks ago here at Liberty University’s Prophet’s Rock then candidate Cruz, stressed the theme of imagination. He used the word ‘imagine’ 38 times. It’s safe to say that choosing to declare himself President-Elect, still 19 months from a general election, demonstrates his all-American level of imagination, and, for cash-strapped states stomped down by Obama’s reckless and lawless policies, his decision today saves money that would have been wasted on voting machines and voting monitors.

You’ll see, after his official inauguration 21 months from now, President Cruz will use those imaginative powers to make this already great country great again. Today, for example, he will discuss food safety ideas he will enact through day-one executive orders that will exercise his mandate and spend a small portion of his abundant political capital.”

And, Chief-of-Staff McKay informed, and as you’ll read below, the President-Elect set out a program that pulsates with extraordinary imaginings.

Exodus. Since his last Liberty University appearance, then Senator Cruz moved at military speed, ascending at a pace defying political gravity. According to historians I rely upon for accurate information, we’ve witnessed a first. During our time as a nation, no person rose to our highest political office without selection as a candidate through caucus or national convention, and without the subsequent test of some combination of an election by the electoral college, popular vote, or a U.S. House of Representatives vote (1801, T. Jefferson; 1825, J.Q. Adams, 1877, R.B. Hayes), a weird twist I neither understand nor countenance.

A few entities, however, prove unstoppable; in American history, Moses comes to mind. Enter Ted Cruz. Step aside Rand Paul. Speaking outdoors atop Liberty’s huge slab of granite called Prophet’s Rock, our President-Elect began his first post-campaign speech with humility rarely found outside the Screen Actors Guild. Here was a man about to claim a unique place in American history. In his sonorous tenor voice he revealed:

“My dear friends, on January 20, 2017, at the exact moment when the Sun’s orbit around our homeland reaches its highest point in the sky, I shall begin my first eight-year term as your chief executive.”

An enthusiastic four-minute standing ovation followed, yet, about halfway through, lost steam when disappointment spread among the 1,200 mostly millennial-aged evangelical Christian Liberty U. convocationeers. Evidently, many in this devoutly conservative audience had hoped the Cruz presidency would begin immediately rather than 21 months later, in mid-January 2017. You see, Liberty University millennials know the time period of 21 months as the same unspeakably long 21 months, five or six thousand years ago, when their evangelical ancestors swarmed the land, lovingly riding dinosaurs to remain a step ahead of prehistoric insurance actuaries whom an obliging God often turned into statues of restaurant-grade salt.

Indeed. From these facts of physical and cultural anthropology the crowd reasoned, a lot can happen in 21 months, not all of it reassuring. They recalled that friendly, playful dinosaurs inexplicably vanished long ago, yet, pesky insurance actuaries still prowl the land and, nowadays, few wind up in salt shakers. As this present day congregation considered this, they receded like the tide from standing ovationeers to heads-down weeping, wailing, garment-rending, teeth-gnashing squatters on an empty beach.

President-Elect Cruz, his engaging draculan smile in place, stepped up, braving the sunshine. Boldly, with President-Elect firmly in his grasp, and a loaded, fully licensed .45-caliber Colt six-shooter holstered at his side, he calmed the storm:

“It could be sooner, my friends, take heart! I could start sooner. What do you want, my friends?”

In short order, the tide came back in, and in full-resurrection mode, the relieved supporters answered:

“Right now! Right Now! Right Nowwwwww!”

GOP evangelical energy thundered into the Virginia sky, frightening suburban dogs, cats, gerbils, tropical fish, insurance actuaries, and liberals.

Leviticus. The President-Elect responded to this pleasant outburst to begin outlining a few of his performance goals for Americans during his first eight-year term:

“My friends, using lessons learned during my more than 750 days in, or near, the United States Senate, I promise to fulfill the higher purpose set for me by you and by my Father, who resides in Carrollton, Texas. I speak of the end of days for Obamaland. Yes, my friends, Obamaland,

that freedom-parched land under the yoke of Sharia law and free health care run by federal civil service death eaters,

that godless wasteland of gun control tyranny that now includes a ban on triggers and cowboy movies, and

that marijuana cloud-covered country whose Muslim President fast-tracked the secretive use of stealth aircraft to parachute alien Canadian illegal immigrants into carefully selected and lawfully constituted Republican congressional districts, and equipped with back-dated citizenship documents and drivers licenses!”

The President-Elect addressed Republican distress over Michelle Obama’s “lecturing and hectoring”:

“Advice from an ill-informed and out-of-control First Lady about what socialists call ‘physical fitness’ will cease in Cruz America. Ted Cruz’s First Lady, my dear wife Heidi, a well-informed and tightly controlled financial enterprise expert will advise local, state, and federal pension plans about investments in safe hedge funds, foreign exchange derivatives, and cash equivalents like federal lands, national monuments, the Armed Forces, American Samoa, and the Moon. She will monetize liberty!”

Dietary and Healing Herb Laws.President-Elect Cruz moved forward to describe one agency, among many, that he will reduce to a dozen or fewer employees.

“In Cruz America, gone will be the liberty-sapping tyranny of rules, laws, regulations! Instead, a bounty of freedom will grow from the dusty remains of nosy agencies like the Food and Drug Administration. The presently vastly over-staffed agency will soon employ approximately one dozen persons who can prove the actually enjoy food and have a willingness to experiment with healing herbs!

For example, I have learned today that the present FDA cabal recently outlawed staples of your Liberty University meal plan, forbidding bacon milkshakes, fat-rich White Castle burgers, intravenous chocolate feedings during exam week, and Quadruple Frosted Cheerios infused with tranquilizers.

No more, my friends! Without government interference, in Cruz America, eat whatever you desire, whenever you desire, in any amount you desire, with whomever you desire, and for as long as you desire! If you enjoy rolling your meals in tobacco, or pig fat, or wrapping it in cigarette paper and then lighting it up, do so, my friends, do so!

God will sort out the health issues, if any!

Get fat on liberty!

Let freedom ring all the way through your digestive system!”

With the assembled boodle now firmly in his outstretched palms. and happily raising aloft triple-cheese corn dog cigars, our Soon-To-Be-President-Cruz dared take it up a notch. He rose his voice to overcome the new chorus,

“We love Ted, We love Bacon!

We love Ted, We love Bacon!

Bacon Bacon Bacon!

Ted, Ted, Ted!“

Over the din, he invited everyone “including freedom lovin’ young ‘uns,” to join him “in the pleasure of a relaxing Marlboro cigarette.” Speaking with adept southern college lingo, he encouraged them,

“Please, if y’all got ’em, light ’em up, if y’all got whiskey, pop the top, if y’all got a hunk of fat-laced meat or a fatted calf, cook it up and toss it down! And, my friends, that’s your choice, not an order! Ted Cruz stands firm against FDA overreach!”

This proved a satisfying end to the President-Elect’s comments. He saluted his gleeful pig rind eating throng with a very presidential bow, fired two .45-caliber slugs skyward, nearly winging a Piper Seneca V, again delighting the assemblage. Re-holstering his sidearm, our next President descended from Prophet’s Rock to greet a group of well-screened well-wishers skimmed clean of most of the more obvious clinically insane.

Then, as Liberty University’s All-Shofar band struck up a nearly reputable Hail to the Chief, former Senator Ted Cruz strode toward a gaggle of Rand Paul supporters. Holding each in an embrace, he commiserated,

“Don’t despair, my errant friends, perhaps in 2024, perhaps, yes, perhaps.”

Your reporter could only ponder this very simple man, his very simple grace, his dark eyes that I’m afraid to gaze into. My friends, are we not in good hands? Go tell it on the mountains!





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