Yes FPL brethren, it’s time once again for everyone’s favourite self-indulgent Fantasy Premier League series ‘The Last XI’. My musings are coming at you a little later than usual this week but twice as hard as there was the small matter of a full midweek Premier League schedule that simply could not be ignored (and you can get to fuck if you think I’m writing two of these in one week), so we’ve got plenty to discuss as well as a fair amount of damage control to do before the weekend, so let’s get to it.

As per usual The Premier League produced plenty of stories over the past 7 days as teams began to stare down the barrel of their end of season fate. Sunderland manager David Moyes was forced into publicly apologising to a female reporter after a video was leaked of him exclaiming ‘You might get a slap even though you’re a woman’, Sunderland fans rejoiced at the news as finally someone at the club other than Jermaine Defoe showed some attacking intent. Having put 3 goals between them past Russia in their respective international games, Wilfried Zaha and Christian Benteke linked-up twice to beat champions elect Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, leaving Roman Abramovic with nothing to celebrate this week but his mega yacht and $7.6 billion net worth, poor guy. Finally Manchester United came out of two winnable home games with four points dropped and just the one goal scored via the penalty spot, doing their absolute darnedest to secure that coveted 6th spot, and you know what, I fancy them to do it.

So with 20 games played, and at least 10 of which that any of us gave a shit about, let’s see what these results meant for FPL and more importantly my brand new Wildcard boys.

Gameweek 30

Transfers: Fucking everyone

Points: 49

Rank: 53,333 ↑

The weekend left me wondering whatever happened to my old LEGO Robin Hood set as I was rewarded for my slightly above mediocre score with a miniature green arrow. Debuts for 7 players generally resulted in success but were marred by a god awful captaincy choice, but as my Year 2 swimming report will tell you ‘Although initially struggling, Luke manages to stay afloat without the help of armbands’. Let’s have a look at how the team got on.

So as you can see my team represented the point scoring equivalent of a scrappy 1-0 win, one goal, one assist, and clean sheets all round. My masochistic wishes of the last blog were granted as Marc Albrighton’s surprise omission from the Leicester squad due to illness resulted in big Beninese barn-door-banjo bungler Rudy Gestede coming off the bench (and for some reason into my midfield). With nothing to show for his efforts other than a yellow card that should honestly have been followed with a second, the pride of North Yorkshire rewarded me with a sweet 0 points, although for those also unfortunate enough to watch Boro’s 0-0 draw with Swansea you will know that the striker came desperately close to scoring a last minute winner that looked harder to miss. Don’t worry Rudy I still believe in you, even if no one else does.

Those of you who read the last post will know that I concluded with a striking trifecta of Lukaku, Vardy and Gestede with one eye on Diego Costa’s fitness. After reassurance from our resident angel of death Mr. Ben Dinnery I decided to not only bring Costa in last minute, but captain the pseudo-Spaniard at the expense of Jamie Vardy, a move that unfortunately cost me 7 points in total. Looking out of form and with Man City around the corner, Diego was out of my team in a flash making room for Ibrahimovic’s return from suspension. Costa looked a shoe-in for points against Palace, but unfortunately we say goodbye after the most unsuccessful cameo since David Hasselhoff in Piranha 3DD *shudder*.

One of the most unique emotional turnarounds since my introduction the this game is the possibility of finding myself celebrating three scoreless draws, but this was the case in Gameweek 30 as the bulk of my fortunes came courtesy of three players found at the end of the footballer phonebook, Valdes, Valencia and Yoshida. All three produced inspired performances and received bonus points aplenty for their efforts, although Maya Yoshida can have Harry Arter to thank for Southamptons completed shutout. Rugby fans among you will know that England triumphed in the recent 6 nations tournament despite 2nd place Ireland beating them on the final day, so it was only fitting for English born Republic of Ireland international Arter to tribute his countrymen with his best attempt at a conversion, blazing his 78th minute penalty 10 yards over the bar, “IT’S GOOD!”.

For some perspective on my relief of the sheer OK-ness of this gameweek we must travel all the way back in time to September and my first wildcard in GW4, it was a horrendous week that saw me drop 110k places scoring 36 points with 25 on the bench, terrified that history would repeat itself I am actually incredibly happy with an above average score this round. A concussed Fabio and an ill Albrighton fighting for his place with Demarai Gray are the inevitable immediate worries but all in all the morale is high, roll on GW31!

Gameweek 31

Transfers: Costa > Ibrahimovic (+5 gross)

Points: 71

Rank: 32,729 ↑

Picture the scene, it’s 9:30 pm (England), I’m stood at work failing to notice customers at the bar as I frantically check my phone in desperation as the 8 members of my squad playing on Wednesday night had done sweet fuck all for 80 minutes. My clean sheets were wiped out early on, Spurs are being beaten by a Swansea goal that somehow wasn’t the work of Gylfi Sigurdsson, and captain Sanchez was nowhere to be seen despite Arsenal leading 2-0. I was heading very quickly down the rankings after a terrific Tuesday night and I begin to imagine writing a very ranty miserable paragraph exactly where this one is now. Accepting my fate I pour myself a beer for my sorrows and try to forget about the football. 5 minutes go by, suddenly in the corner of my eye my phone goes off, ‘BUZZ, SOUTHAMPTON GOAL’. Another two minutes go by, ‘BUZZ, TOTTENHAM GOAL’, next minute ‘BUZZ, TOTTENHAM GOAL’, ‘Awh Son, wish it was Eriksen’… ‘BUZZ, TOTTENHAM GOAL!!!’. Amazingly, the last 5 minutes of the gameweek was the difference between 41 and 71 points, without a doubt one of the best moments I’ve had playing the game, I quickly downed my sorrow beer and poured myself a celebratory one, and as I danced around the bar bragging on various group chats the group of men that had been waiting for their drinks grew angrier and angrier, I assume because they didn’t have any Spurs midfielders.

After the dust settled and I’d had a minute to process what had happened, my team ended up like this…



As you can clearly see, I was a very lucky boy this gameweek, Marc Albrighton coming off the bench for two assists, Ibrahimovic being ‘handed’ a penalty in the 93rd minute, and my beautiful Spurs duo being the main beneficiaries of the biggest Welsh bottle job since Corona family drinks opened it’s gates in the 1880’s (did far too much research there for such a weak joke).

Shadowed by the euphoria around it, we had yet another poor captaincy choice, Alexis Sanchez failing to return even an assist for either the Gunners’ 3 goals was as frustrating as it was unbelievable. The Chileans form will be closely monitored by myself, but right now I can’t for the life of me face the anxiety that comes with not owning him.

My defence in gameweek 31 was about as solid as a hangover poo, and like most of my hangover poo’s, there wasn’t a clean sheet in sight. Marcos Alonso’s form has become a concern as the £6.3mil I have tied up in the murderer (it’s true, look it up) could gladly be spent on a Spurs defender ahead of home ties against Watford and Bournemouth. I had a strong feeling of déjà vu as John Stones made an underwhelming debut in my side, whilst Victor Valdes haemorrhaged goals away to Hull. It wasn’t all doom and gloom at the back however as Crystal Palace’s goal suffered an invasion of the Asian persuasion, Maya Yoshida.

Did you know that the flag of Japan is actually just a pie chart of how much I love Maya Yoshida. The Southampton centre back was originally brought in solely due to his low price and nailed-on-ness but I had not once considered the possibility of Maya as a goal scoring threat, with the scores tied at 1-1 a ball swung into the box, was nodded on by fellow centre back Jack Stephens and poked home by my man who had absolutely no right to be in that position. As lucrative as the Eriksen to Alli and vice-versa goals were, Yoshida’s goal was the one that gave me the most joy, and after GW30’s 7 point haul, I think I’ve found myself a new favourite player.

Did the wildcard pay off (so far)?

So by the law of the universe it is gospel that once you Wildcard, your shitty old players that you couldn’t wait to get rid of decide to do their best impression of Luis Suarez against Norwich, this was surely going to be the case as the first goal of Gameweek 30 was a product of two of my winter romances Mane and Firmino, but as the week went on it was clear that atleast for the time being, I can be happy with my decision to wildcard when I did.

Taking into account my predicted personal choice of line-up had I not used the chip, my old team would have scored 86 points across the two gameweeks, compared to my actual 120, which is music to my ears.

Gameweek 32

Ok so bit of a weird one in regards to transfer speculation this week as I’m planning on saving one and using two next week, but like year old blu-tack on a wall calendar, I’m awful at sticking to a schedule, so let’s see who takes my fancy in Gameweek 32.

Marcos Alonso > Spurs Defender

I almost feel disgusted with myself for even contemplating getting rid of this man, the Spanish full back has provided me with so much joy over the year, I brought him in for a home game against Everton and he rewarded me with a goal and a clean sheet, Leicester away I watched as he was unlucky not to score a hattrick, not to mention the sheer surrealism of actually enjoying watching Chelsea. My early capture of Alonso has been one of my shrewdest moves of all time but with no clean sheet in 8 games for Chelsea, I may have to hold back the tears and shoot my once prized racehorse to put him out of his misery.

As mentioned above, I’m licking my lips at Spurs’ home double header at against Watford and Bournemouth, two sides that have proven they can grab a goal against top opposition but Spurs at White Heart Lane have been a different beast altogether this year. There are three players on my radar, one of which that is slightly out of my reach in terms of price, England’s Kyle Walker is in the form of his life and has somehow managed to evade my team since Gameweek 3 all the while grabbing assists and cleanies for fun, at £6.5mil I’ll be just 0.1 short of affording the full back with a surprisingly squeaky voice, had I not waited an extra day to bring in Ibra for Costa, he could have been mine. At a reduced price from the start of the year, Toby Alderweireld has an end of year sale pricetag of £6.3, which if he can manage to recreate his attacking exploits of last season would be a big Belgian bargain. Finally Toby’s fellow ball barricading buddy Jan Vertoghen sits at an even cheaper £5.7mil which is vital cash that could be sent elsewhere, Jan the man has been known to get forward from time to time but by no means is he in the same league as the two aforementioned Spuds. Personally I really like the look of Toby, he is long overdue a goal and does not fall victim to last minute rotation like Walker, if not this week I imagine I’ll be bringing him in next.

Gylfi > Wilfy

One of the low lights of this week has been Sigurdssons double blank. The ice man was the best player on the pitch against Boro but failed to score, and admittedly I didn’t expect much from the Spurs game but there’s always a chance. My midfield is as cripplingly expensive as it is sexy looking, but there’s no point being sexy if you’re not gonna go out there and fuck teams (strained analogy but I’m leaving it in), and thus it might be time to say goodbye to DGWless Siggy, as Swansea once again fall into footballs very own sarlacc pit, the relegation zone.

One team that are at least fighting for survival are Crystal Palace who have shown a new lease of life thanks to the immense and infectious performances of Mamadou Sakho. After a man of the match performance against Chelsea and a frustrating yet spirited game away to Southampton, notorious Ivorian Wilfried Zaha is on many a radar in the Fantasy world. The failed Man United project has suddenly discovered the form that many hoped he was capable of, adding goals and a better quality of end product to his game as well as being one of the leagues best dribblers. The Eagles have a DGW in a few weeks albeit a fiendish one with a trip to Anfield before heading back to South-London to host Spurs, but despite the tough fixtures Zaha has proven that he can turn up in any game if he puts his mind to it, and at £5.7mil the risk is minimal.

Albrighton > Cheaper 5th mid

So after Marky Marc’s two assists off the bench on Tuesday I’m already more than satisfied with his work in my team, but having watched the first half of the Leicester game, Demarai Gray played very well and was exciting on the ball, I believe as we come up to these Champions League games Albrighton will almost certainly be rested in the league as his European performances have been top drawer all year round, and with an equally good left winger it’s a no brainer for Shakespeare to rest and rotate.

With this most likely being the case, it would make sense to simply save some cash as my other 4 mids are good enough to warrant a safe ‘2 points a week’ 5th mid. Martin De Roon is one that I’d love to go for had I not for some reason tripled up on Middlesbrough, but with Fabio out with concussion, I could potentially bring him in next week with 2 transfers. Tom Davies seems to be settled in an Everton team that come out of two tricky games and into a more light-hearted schedule, the young man with grotesque taste in facial hair isn’t shy of getting towards the goal, but a lack of DGW means that I probably shouldn’t waste a free transfer on him. Finally I’m looking at James Warde-Prowse fresh off the back of a goal against Palace, JWP is a great option at £5.0 (just affordable for me), the man takes set pieces and is rumoured to be in the pecking order for penalties too, with two DGW’s the Saints Midfielder is someone to keep an eye on.

Transfers and Captaincy

Despite teasing myself by writing those paragraphs above, I believe I will hold onto a transfer barring last minute injury, it gives me more wiggle room with upgrading/downgrading price structures and prevents the temptation of a -4. So there you are, almost 3,000 words to come to the conclusion that I’m… doing nothing. Let’s see how the team’s looking…

It’s one of those dangerous weeks where everyone’s fixtures look so good that I expect nothing less than a metric shit-tonne of points, but I’ll try not to get too excited because all this probably means is that I’ll mess up my captaincy choice AGAIN.

The armband is currently with Dele Alli, with 18 points in his 2 games for me so far and Watford at home which I think could be an absolute massacre, I will feel no shame if this goes wrong. Cristian Eriksen alongside him is an equally good option but it’s a straight shoot-out and I can only pick one, Alli’s penalty duties is what I believe gives him the edge. No doubt one of Ibra or Sanchez will score high and as long as he’s not rotated for Champions League, expect Jamie Vardy to make the most of an Everton defence left in tatters after Williams’ suspension. ‘Dele Alli’ in the literal sense means a street full of shops selling delicious lunch meats, which is coincidental… because this week he’s bringing home the bacon, baby.

Final Thoughts

This has been a very pleasant edition to write, two gameweeks, 25k rise, no transfer stress. I’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts, and I hope you guys have enjoyed reading. I wanted to say thank you for the amazing feedback I’ve been getting, makes it all seem worthwhile. Stay tuned for the next post which will hopefully come on Tuesday night, thanks again for reading and good luck for the weekend.