ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:

Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. After my A+ performance (Keith’s words, not mine) writing the Rankings two weeks ago, he invited me to do them again this week and it’s definitely not because they take a long time to do and everyone gets mad at you after they go up.

This week at Barstool…where do you begin? Tex selling 12,000 PPVs at Rough N Rowdy? The “I’m going to fuck your wife and stomp your kids” line from Chris Spags to Loud Sean? The SoulCucking? It was a PACKED week full of fights, controversy, and everything that makes Barstool Sports, Barstool Sports.

Let’s get to the Power Rankings:

5) Robbie “Cumin'” Fox

Does this look like the face of a guy who jizzed a geyser after 19 days without cranking it?

Shout out to Robbie Fox for doing the impossible. No cum outta that dick for 19 days. I’ve cum twice since I started this sentence, and he basically climbed the Everest of not jizzing. And even better, his SnapChat is open, ladiesssss

From an 18 year old intern to a full time employee getting SnapChat nudes, what a week for Octagon Rob.

4) The Vacation Boys, Riggs And Trent

Coming in at number 4, the Vacation Foreplay Boys Riggs and Big Daddy Trent. What a week they had. First, they jetted away to Florida to play some rounds of golf at TPC Sawgrass and interview Jason Day for their podcast. Did they interview Jason Day? Well, no, but that’s neither here nor there. But they did, however, come back with sweet tans, so it’s kinda the same thing.

I mean what were they gonna do? Not play golf when everyone else in the office was working? Schedule blogs ahead of time? That island 17 isn’t going to play itself, that’s for sure:

I kid of course. They were making connections and holy cow Paige from the top rope!

The 4P boys came back in a huge way on Friday when they started World War 3 in the office with Young Pageviews:

Almost 10:30, biggest day for YP to hold a camera, and he’s MIA, so Riggs sent him a little Twitter chirp and then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE:

Basically what happened was Riggs chirped, YP came in GUNS BLAZING, screaming at Riggs, Riggs explained to him he can’t pick and choose when people get called out because that’s basically YP’s job, YP lashed out at me,

Riggs with an ALL TIME line

And then I sent him to timeout to cool down

Who knew the biggest fight of the day wouldn’t be Dave and his middle school GF (more on that later) but the politics blogger and a cameraman?

Big Daddy Trent was NOT HAPPY about the situation either. Legit never seen Trent raise his voice at anyone, and YP felt his wrath today

The situation blew over though, all is good. But somewhere in there, they started fighting about shirtless hockey pictures?

To quote PMT, Young Peezy, just chill out man…and try not to get strangled.

3) Glenny Big Time

What can you even say about Glenny Big Time at this point? From Caleb’s intern, to stealing Rico Bosco’s job as the gambling guy, to appearing on Comedy Central with Johnny Football, to now guest bartending on the number 1 late night talk show hosted by a gay man on a cable network.

Dave, a once proud man, even admitted he was a bit wrong about this prediction:

Glenny, he just has “it”. Can’t describe what “it” is, but he has it by the boatload. Who knows what the next stop will be for him. If I woke up tomorrow and he was hanging out at the White House, I wouldn’t bat an eye. His eventual downfall will be an all timer, like one of those old VH1 Behind the Music documentaries. But for now, his meteoric rise to appearing on C-level shows is one for the ages.

2) The Texas Tornado

This dude Tex, I tell you what. His first day he was taking eye shots, his second day he wrote “Blow Me” on a receipt for a package he sent for the CEO, and then just this last weekend he launched Barstool Sports PPV empire. Over 11,000 people tuned in to watch Tex vs Bennett slug it out in the Rough N Rowdy boxing event, which is basically where inbred hicks in West Virginia throw hands because someone not on the family tree fucked their sister.

How did it go for ol’ Tex? Did he get the W he was due for? Wellllllllll

But at least he wasn’t concussed, again. Welllllllll

But hey, he ate a couple punches, made 5k for himself, and then came back to the island of misfits all in one piece, still talking shit like the Tex we all love

And Number 1 is…..

FRANCIS!

Haha, just kidding.

1) Grudge Dave

Amazing. Nobody holds a grudge like Grudge Dave. Nobody unites all of Barstool Nation better than when the leader gets scorned. And he unleashed a Twitter rampage for the ages last night, a string not seen since you were in 9th grade putting up passive aggressive AIM away messages, and launched #GrudgementDay (shout out Frankie for coming up with the name)

Of course Pres handled it like any 39 year old man would, RT’ing funny gifs on the internet.

To be honest, we are elated to have the old Dave back. I don’t know if this is the end of Club Dave, but after his tale on Barstool Radio today

…I hope it’s safe to say JHammmmmmyyyyyyyyy Dave is donefor.

NEEDS IMPROVEMENT

Loud Sean’s Trash Talk/Chris Spags’ Insults

What started as competitive banter at the bar about who is better at basketball quickly turned sour. Loud Sean told Spags he would beat him in basketball “21-17″.

To which Spags calmly and rationally replied

The fact that didn’t cause fistacuffs at the bar is a minor miracle within itself. But this fight escalated on the radio on Monday, where Spags decided, hey, let’s double and triple down on this

So they have a basketball game set up for next week. Somehow a fight between Psycho Spags and Drunk Sean

Wasn’t even close to the biggest story of the week. I mean, there were tales of Sean smashing bottles left and right, people getting kicked out of multiple bars, Colby crying, the whole 9 yards. Resulting in a game of 1 on 1 where Sean insists he will back Spags down 17 times and hit 4 jumpers. They’re calling their own fouls, so this should be just delightful!

Ria

This week ya girl:

Broke Lent

Got roasted by her grandfather

And then puked on the train.

At least she still has that angelic singing voice, can’t take that away from her

You’ll get em next week, girl.

Barstool Nate’s Hair Situation

So I shaved my head for a video a couple weeks ago, and suffice to say, it is not growing back…at all

I mean, that’s just a bad visual, right? Riiiiiiight?

I wish. I was thinning pretty bad before I shaved it, and now it looks like it’s curtains for ya boy. Might as well just start completely shaving it, because I can’t be 28 and rocking the Dr. Phil cut. Time to re-evaluate and make a new plan for the ol’ noggin.

“Dave Is Old” Quote Of The Week:

Mapquest! Remember when you’d dial up your Prodigy internet and print out Mapquest directions? Well, apparently Dave still does. I haven’t heard anyone mention MapQuest in years, but that’s the El Pres difference. You can date a 17 year old, but it won’t make you one.

But even crazier…..

Company That Still Somehow Exists Of The Week

WHAT?!?!?! HOW?!?!?!? MapQuest from the god damn clouds with an all time Tweet. Almost takes the sting out of Dave’s girlfriend banging her spin instructor. Almost.

Office Guest Of The Week:

Sorry Erin Olash. Even if you are helping disrupt a 95 billion dollar industry with your MVMT watch

You can’t take this spot away from none other than

Sirius MF’ing Steve in the house! Because when it’s #GrudementDay and Dave is going to talk for 2 hours about a girl using his money and fame to cheat on him, who else do you want 2 inches away from you than a 15 year old boy who is skipping recess and social studies to hang out with grown adults addicted to vaping and prescription meds?

PMT Interview Of The Year

I don’t want to give anything away, but Bill Walton was AWESOME. Legit the coolest interview I’ve ever heard. The only problem with it was it wasn’t 9 hours long. Listen, rate, subscribe to PMT.

Trent Lookalike Of The Week

I mean no joke, that is Trent. It’s literally him. I didn’t know he was in the hospital running business either, so this was a great shock to me as well. But it’s certainly not not Trent, so I don’t know what to tell ya.

Face Of Joy Because I Wasn’t The One Starting Office Drama Of The Week

For once it wasn’t me starting shit, yet somehow I still got involved in an avalance of shit. #SpiderMonkeyLife.

New Shirts Of The Week

I think that just about does it for this week. Make sure you Subscribe to the newsletter, and follow everyone on Twitter and all that fun stuff.