The day after we posted this blog, a new email came in from Steve. It was so startling that I took the blog down and started looking for a new place to live - it just didn't seem funny anymore. Now that we are safely in our new place, I have to share the craziest Steve email yet.





It should go without saying, but we never damaged any part of the house, lied to Steve, tricked him, threatened him in any way, or asked to be his friend - I only told Robert that I couldn't handle Steve's emails anymore and wanted to move, but that we should be very nice to him, no matter how ridiculous he became. I had no idea about the limits of his ridiculousness...

Robert,

Our very long, long-distance phone conversation yesterday, covered a lot of ground. This is very inconvenient for me, because now I have to write an email to you, summarizing what we said, so I have a written record of it, in case we ever end up in court.

You asked me from now on to send emails only to you, and not to Dana. That's kind of weird, in that Dana is the one who persuaded me to change my mind, and agree to rent the Little Cottage to you folks, after I had given you back your application forms and the deposit check which you had been so eager to put into my hands. I remember it very well. You asked me if there was anything you could say to change my mind, and I said no. At that point you were in a hurry to close the front door of your apartment, without saying anything else. I realized later that you were in a hurry to call Dana on the phone at work, to tell her about it.

You sent her, after she got off work, to come over and persuade me to change my mind. Your high-pressure sales technique worked very well. I congratulate you on your skill. Pretending it was all Dana's idea is very dishonest. You think you are a super salesman, a smooth operator, and who am I to disagree?

You are the one who found the house for rent, looked it over, took photos of it, showed the photos to Dana, and then brought her over to look at the house. And you are the one who, later on, went through the house, opening and closing all windows, turning on the stove, etc., checking everything to make sure every thing worked. That is not a bad thing, but saying that Dana is the only one who is infatuated with the Little Honeymoon Cottage is just dishonest.

You asked me if we could be friends. When I said no, you then threatened me with physical violence. That is a textbook example of a bully, a boy who says to another boy: "Be my friend or I will beat you up."

Later on in our conversation, you asked me what was going to happen when our lease, which is for one year, expires on April 30th of 2013. I was glad to hear you ask that, because it shows you are at least somewhat in touch with reality. I didn't answer your question.

I can tell you that if you do carry out your threat to beat me up, as soon as I regain consciousness, I will call the police, press charges, testify in court, and do everything I can to see that you go behind bars for a long time.

It's probably a good idea for Dana not to see this email. By the way, thank her for me, for instructing you not to threaten me with physical violence. I appreciate her consideration for my feelings. Also, no doubt, she doesn't want to see you go to jail. You are young, large, and strong (I'm aware of this because you keep breaking things, which I then have to repair. You're like a Bull In a China Shop.)

The judge at your trial for aggravated assault, or assault and battery, or whatever the chagres are, may be an old guy, himself. So when he notices that I'm a medium-sized old guy, and your landlord, he may throw the book at you. So you might want to advise Dana to look for a recipe for a cake with a file in it, so she can bring it to you, on Visitor's Day, after the judge sends you Up The River To The Big House. There are a lot of really tough guys in such a place. I don't think you're going to like it. Of course it would be much better than a Mexican prison. If you ever get sent to a Mexican prison, you probably wouldn't get out of it alive, you being a Gringo. You can read about that in "All the Pretty Horses," by Cormac McCarthy. Or you could watch the movie, starring Matt Damon, on DVD. In fact, you probably will be able to watch it while you are in San Quentin, or wherever.

I know I'm digressing, but writing this email is very boring, though necessary. At one point in our conversation, you tried to psychoanalyze me. I declined the honor. Even if you had a Ph. D. in Psychology, I wouldn't have agreed, for several reasons, one of them being you would be a hostile Shrink.

But you did seem to be grasping at straws, trying everything you could think of.

I appreciate your agreeing to remove the rug of woven reeds from the Redwood Deck. As I explained in a previous email, the carped could be a nest for termites, or fleas, for instance, and would also trap rain water, which would be unable to evaporate, and the redwood could rot. Redwood resists termites and rot, but it's not invincible. Keith K. and had crew have already repaired that deck twice, and I feel like that's enough.

You mentioned that you had tried for another dwelling unit, and missed out. Was that a house or an apartment? I saw your old apartment, and it looked like a very nice place to me. For one thing, it was termite free, being on the second floor, and with a concrete slab below the building, to keep the termites at bay.

Actually, I'm very sorry you didn't get that other dwelling unit, but it's a harsh, cruel world we live in. And the fact that you were disappointed in that instance, doesn't mean you are entitled to ride roughshod over other people (specifically me) to get what you want the next time.

You mentioned, I think, that you have a start-up company. This was a surprise to me. I was under the impression that you were an employee of a company, not the whole company. I remember asking you at one point if you had to go in once a week for an employee meeting, or to get instructions from your boss, and you were evasive in your answer. Your lack of full disclosure of your employment situation may constitute fraudulent misrepresentation. And fraud on your part would make our lease agreement null and void, I would think. If I ever hire a lawyer, I will be sure to ask him about that. And if Dana knew that you were perpetrating a fraud, that would make her a co-conspirator, perhaps, or maybe an accessory.

It is my impression that you think, or hope, that I'm a patsy, or perhaps senile. I'm trying to convince you that is not the case. How am I doing, so far?

I'm hoping that when we part, whenever that may be, that it will be on amicable terms.

By the way, you gave your theory of how the Garden Gate became disconnected from the fence. It was something about the garden hose. I was unable to follow your argument, so, in your next email, if you would explain how the Garden Gate came loose, I would be very interested to read your explanation.

Also, I just got an email from Dana. I haven't read it yet. What I would like is peace and quiet, and, of course, all this emotional turmoil is the opposite of that. You might want to mention to Dana that you have forbidden me to send her any more emails, and that is why she won't be getting a reply from me. I'm curious as to what her reaction will be to that. Will she appreciate the fact that you are trying to shield her from my unkind words, or will she resent it? She is, after all, a capable career woman, and, pardon me for saying it, obviously the brains of the operation. By the way, thank Dana for me, for instructing you not to threaten me with physical violence. I really appreciate that.

Steve







