FADE IN:

EXT. BLADE RUNNER WORLD - 2049

Some OPENING TEXT appears in the UPPER LEFT CORNER of the screen in the TEENY-TINIEST FONT IN ALL MOVIE HISTORY so FUCK YOU RIGHT-HAND AISLE, FUCK YOU SO VERY MUCH.

OPENING TEXT

The Tyrell Corporation is no more. Since they were making and selling machines that caused massive loss of innocent human life, the machines were banned and the company bankrupted WOHHH THAT'S SOME TRIPPY SCI-FI SHIT EH, ARE WE TRIPPING BALLS OR WHAT

(pause)

So yes, Tyrell is gone. Dead. Finito. No longer will their enigmatic, solitary leader design ever-better Replicants in dimly-lit, orangey rooms inside his massive squat office building. Instead we have LetoCorp, with its enigmatic, solitary leader designing ever-better Replicants in dimly-lit, orangey rooms inside his massive squat office building.

(pause)

If you could read any of that, you might be a Replicant.

INT. DAVE BAUTISTA'S ARTISAN FARMHOUSE

BLADE RUNNER RYAN GOSLING lands his SPIFFIER, MORE EXPENSIVE FLYING CAR and confronts BAUTISTA.

RYAN GOSLING

I'm here to take you in, Replicant Dave Bautista.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Aren't you gonna do some kind of updated Voigt-Kampff emotion-response test on me? The signature Blade Runner device that raises questions about what makes us truly human, and dramatizes our deep-seated ambivalence about our own inner natures? The concrete SF metaphor for the larger underlying themes of the film?!? We gonna do anything like that?!??!

RYAN GOSLING

Nah. Now you have serial numbers on your eyeballs. I guess it does lose some of the mystery.

BAUTISTA performs a SUPER-STRENGTH BATISTA-BOMB on RYAN but RYAN'S ALSO A SUPER-STRONG REPLICANT, WHAAA?

DAVE BAUTISTA

I will grant that this approach to blade running DOES make more sense, though.

(shot by Ryan)

RYAN discovers there is a MYSTERY LOOT BOX buried by a TREE, but is called back to HQ.

INT. LAPD HQ, 2049 - DEBRIEFING ROOM

RYAN demonstrates he is in fine working order by repeating BASELINE CODE PHRASES back to a machine.

RYAN GOSLING

(repeating back)

Franchises rebooting franchises. Films interlinked. Scavenging earlier work. Films interlinked.

BASELINE TEST COMPUTER

Ryan Gosling is a big poopy head. Ryan Reynolds is awesome sauce.

RYAN GOSLING

(grits teeth)

BASELINE TEST COMPUTER

KIDDING! You're all clear, off you go.

EXT. RAIN-SOAKED HOLO-STREETS OF HOLO-ANGELES, 2049

RYAN walks through the future city crammed with ASIAN-LANGUAGE NEON SIGNS and GIANT ASIAN HOLOGRAMS and ASIAN BILLBOARDS and ZERO ASIAN SPEAKING ROLES on his way to his UGLY CRAPPY TURDPARTMENT, where his HOLO-GIRLFRIEND ANA DE ARMAS greets him.

ANA DE ARMAS

Welcome home baby, it's time for your piece of shit dinner! But don't worry, I can use expensive visual effects to conceal your warmed-over pooploaf, creating a compelling illusion of quality so long as you don't look at it too closely METAPHOR WHAT METAPHOR, YOU'RE THE METAPHOR SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR SHITCAKE

RYAN GOSLING

Thanks doll. I brought you a gift... you know how you're projected from equipment in the ceiling, which seems vaguely plausible?

ANA DE ARMAS

(expectant breath)

RYAN GOSLING

Well I got you this tiny memory stick which now allows you to be magically, ludicrously projected anywhere at all!

ANA DE ARMAS

YAYY! That's so wonderful! I only exist to please you, Ryan Gosling. I long for your touch... but I must be content to... hover next to you. Almost... but not quite... touching... so close... yet so far... such exquisite... agony... to be... adjacent... and yet... separated by... a gulf... that far exceeds... the physical... realm... in which... we are so close... and yet...

RYAN GOSLING

OH HEY PHONE CALL IT'S WORK GOTTA GO

INT. LAPD HQ, 2049

RYAN reports to CHIEF ROBIN WRIGHT in the AUTOPSY ROOM.

ROBIN WRIGHT

We dug up Bautista's Batista-box. Turns out there's remains and bones inside, belonging to a female (gasp!) who died 30 years ago (double gasp!!) and was a Replicant (triple gasp!!!) who was also pregnant (holy fuck gonna skip right past quadruple gasp and go straight to dodeca-gasp!!!!!).

RYAN GOSLING

Wait, thirty years ago? Are you sure?

ROBIN WRIGHT

Yes, exactly thirty years. "Blade Runner" was set in 2019 and it's now 2049.

RYAN GOSLING

Soooo... we're making a sequel to a film released thirty-FIVE years ago... and setting it THIRTY years later.

ROBIN WRIGHT

Yep.

RYAN GOSLING

While using the lead actor from the original film, who's aged THIRTY-FIVE years over what's been, story-wise, THIRTY years.

ROBIN WRIGHT

I don't think it really makes any difference--

RYAN GOSLING

WELL IF IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW ABOUT WE DO SIMPLE MATH RIGHT?!? IT'S BEEN THIRTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS, WOULD IT HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE TO MAKE IT "BLADE RUNNER 2054" OR DID THAT NOT SOUND FUCKING COOL ENOUGH?!??!!! OH MY SWEET FUCKING GOD PEOPLE, 2017 MINUS 1982 IS THIRTY-MOTHER-FUCKING-FIVE

(wrecks furniture)

ROBIN WRIGHT

That's enough! Can someone please dial this asshole's mood organ to setting 51: letting pedantic shit go already?

RYAN GOSLING

(pauses)

Mood organ? Is that what we're calling it now?

(winks)

ROBIN WRIGHT

No no, it's a Dick reference.

RYAN GOSLING

(unzips pants)

ROBIN WRIGHT

PHILIP K. Dick, you idiot. Now while I'd normally be up for a rousing game of hide-the-evidence, there's shit to get done.

(grimly)

Our whole society is based on having robot slaves and if people find out Replicants can have kids, it's all over. You need to find this kid and eliminate it.

RYAN GOSLING

Okay, but... Replicants are essentially human now anyway and if people are okay with owning them like slaves, will this really change anyone's mind? I mean slaves have had kids in the past, and...

ROBIN WRIGHT

LISTEN HERE ROBOCOP, if the kid goes public, all of Earth will have an instantaneous attack of guilty conscience and tear everything down, The End. Now take this hair sample to LetoCorp and see if it turns up a lead.

INT. LETOCORP

RYAN gives the hair sample to HEAD REPLICANT SYLVIA HOEKS who takes him to the RECORDS ROOM and after an exhaustive search turns up the 1992 RELEASE OF THE VANGELIS BLADE RUNNER SOUNDTRACK.

RYAN GOSLING

Hm, good thing they overlaid lots of dialogue. This conversation between Harrison Ford and Sean Young could be useful info.

SYLVIA HOEKS

Ha ha, it's so obvious Sean wants to fuck Harrison, even though they just met. What a loser! So, wanna fuck?

RYAN GOSLING

Hm, what was that? Sorry, I get propositioned non-stop in this world, I barely notice anymore.

RYAN heads out and SYLVIA goes to report to JARED LETO over in the SELF-INDULGENCE WING.

JARED LETO

I act aloof and distant, whispering my lines in an affected voice. I am... THE MOST PRETENTIOUS MAN IN THE WORLD. But! I am not weird enough yet, summon my floating fart robots!

JARED puts in his ROBO-CONTACT-LENSES as he is surrounded by his FLOATING FART ROBOTS.

JARED LETO

Let us examine a goop-covered naked lady Replicant as I wax philosophically about angels and miracles and fappity fap fap, wankity fap, wank wank fappy wank

FLOATING FART ROBOTS

(fart)

SYLVIA HOEKS

I am SO glad you only get one more scene.

EXT. DAVE BAUTISTA'S ARTISAN FARM

RYAN lands his SPIFFIER, MORE EXPENSIVE FLYING CAR and searches for more CLUES.

RYAN GOSLING

Hm, I bet that piano is significant, there was a piano last movie. Hey, there's a BABY sock inside! That might be connected to the BABY I'm after! Oh yeah, Gosling is on the case.

RYAN also checks out the TREE and finds a DATE carved into it!

RYAN GOSLING

This must be the kid's birthdate! What a huge clue somebody left behind, whoever did that SURELY wasn't trying to erase all ways of tracking the baby!

INT. LAPD HQ, 2049

RYAN reports back to ROBIN.

ROBIN WRIGHT

So while you were at Bautista's farm Sylvia waltzed in here, killed our douchey coroner, and stole all our evidence. Pretty shockingly lax security I agree, but no way are we letting THAT shit happen again. How'd you do?

RYAN GOSLING

So far I have a baby sock and this Vangelis CD. Oh, I also talked to Edward James Olmos, who didn't tell me much but I gotta say, he has really stepped up his origami game, he's making rhinos and shit now.

ROBIN WRIGHT

I see. Well I think the next best step is that we fuck. How about you get me in the mood by relating a childhood memory?

RYAN GOSLING

Sure! Once I had to hide my wooden horse in a dark furnace and-

ROBIN WRIGHT

(heavy breathing)

RYAN GOSLING

Er... on second thought I should get back to solving the case.

INT. DNA RECORDS ROOM

RYAN checks the DNA DATABASE against the date on the TREE and finds--

RYAN GOSLING

Hey, there are two identical DNA codes with that birthdate! That's awful suspicious, this hasn't happened since that strange 1999 case of Garth Brooks and Chris Gaines, back before most historical records were lost in the Blackout Incident, that thing we keep referring to which seems like it's gonna be part of some big huge twist but instead just sits there uselessly, much like Chris Gaines.

ANA DE ARMAS

Dude I keep telling you THEY WERE THE SAME GUY, why does nobody believe me on this? Anyway in our case one record's for a boy and one's a girl, so this is more like that mysterious Lady Gaga-Joe Calderone case from 2010 which, thanks to the Blackout, is also hopelessly unsolved.

RYAN GOSLING

These identical codes lead back to one specific orphanage. This is critically important, we gotta go right now!! Oh wait I'm off shift, let's go tomorrow.

INT. RYAN'S ITTY BITTY RAT-TRAPARTMENT

RYAN and ANA get home and it turns out HOOKER MACKENZIE DAVIS is there too!

ANA DE ARMAS

Look Ryan, I ordered a hooker for us. I can overlap my holo-body with her whore-o-body and you can fuck both of us at the saaaaaame tiiiiime! Whaaaa, pretty cool right?!

RYAN GOSLING

I guess.

ANA DE ARMAS

Check it out, our haaaands are moving siiiimultaaaaneooouusssllyyyy!!! Oooooo!!!!!

RYAN GOSLING

Yeah, it's neat. Let's fuck.

ANA DE ARMAS

Wait wait I don't think the audience fully appreciates this yet! See how our faaaaces miiiiix togeetherrr!!!

RYAN GOSLING

(checks watch)

Eventually RYAN does indeed RUN his BLADE inside both MACKENZIE and ANA and then falls asleep. But MACKENZIE starts sneaking around, sneakily!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

A-ha, my genius plan of waiting for Ryan's AI-sex-slave to order a prostitute so they could consummate by proxy, then sneak a tracker into his clothes as he sleeps, has worked! This will pay off nicely, muuuuuuch later on!

ANA DE ARMAS

(appearing)

You still here? Time to split, whorebag! It sure seems like I caught you planting that tracking device, doesn't it? But, even though I know about other stuff that happens to Ryan while I'm in standby mode, this apparently didn't make the cut.

EXT. ORANGE WASTELANDS OUTSIDE HOLO-ANGELES, 2049

RYAN and ANA are flying the SPIFFIER, MORE EXPENSIVE FLYING CAR towards the ORPHANAGE when they get SHOT DOWN!! ANA shorts out and RYAN is surrounded by SCAVENGERS... who suddenly get fragged with MISSILES!

SYLVIA HOEKS

(back at LetoCorp)

Yeah that's me, using our satellite missile system to blow up dudes with ridiculous ease while I lounge in my office. I should really take this controller with me everywhere I go, in case I need to blow someone up at a moment's notice, shoot somebody down who's chasing me, that kind of thing.

RYAN makes his way to the ORPHANAGE looking for RECORDS but finds only LENNIE JAMES doing his CRAZY GUY IN AN APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND thing from WALKING DEAD, so yeah okay moving on. But searching further he finds the WOODEN HORSE TOY from his CHILDHOOD MEMORIES!

ANA DE ARMAS

And it has the birthdate clue carved on the bottom! Holy shit, your childhood memory is REAL! Maybe YOU'RE the magical 30-year-old hybrid baby!

RYAN GOSLING

It sure looks that way. Although since I'm 36 years old IT SURE WOULD MATCH BETTER IF WE'D SET THIS THIRTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS LATER IN THE YEAR 2054 NOW WOULDN'T IT ARRRRGHHHHHH

(punches holes in wall)

ANA DE ARMAS

Yes yes, time to let that go sweetie. But we should make absolutely sure this memory is genuine before we get too excited. We should check with somebody who proves vital to the plot later on, which may seem a staggering coincidence but how many people ARE there making the multiple thousands of false memories for new Replicants anyway? One, maybe two?

INT. BIG OPEN WHITE SPHERICAL ROOM

RYAN arrives to visit memory maker CARLA JURI who is in a HERMETICALLY SEALED BUBBLE ROOM.

CARLA JURI

Yes, I have a super rare genetic condition, almost as if there's something special and unique about my genes, HMMMMMM WONDER WHAT THAT'S ABOUT? Anyhoo how can I help.

RYAN GOSLING

I need to check if this memory I have is real or invented.

CARLA JURI

(looks)

Seems real to me. The ones I create for LetoCorp are required to have heaps of product placement, so your generic wooden horse would have been Lightning McQueen, and the dingy crud-infested furnace a Taco Bell or whatever. So my verdict is the nicely open-ended "someone lived this".

RYAN GOSLING

But we learn later that someone is you. If you trust me, why not reveal the truth? And if you're trying to remain hidden, why not say "yep this is 100% your own personal memory, guess you can stop looking for that hybrid now"? Why leave other interpretations tantalizingly open?

CARLA JURI

Because OH HEY ARE THOSE COPS OUTSIDE?!? YOINK!

(runs off)

(remembers it is sealed bubble room)

(sits in far corner)

INT. LAPD HQ, 2049

RYAN is taken by COPS back to LAPD HQ and given his BASELINE TEST.

BASELINE TEST

Films interlinked. Visionary genius. Poignant retelling.

RYAN GOSLING

Glossed-over bullshit. OOPS. Circle jerks interlinked. FUCK

ROBIN WRIGHT

That does it Gosling! You're off the case! Gimme your BADGE and your GUN! And your BLADE I guess, in case the term Blade Runner actually means shit and isn't just random cool words.

RYAN GOSLING

Oh God did we really just go there? Look, before you say I've gotten too close, etc, can I just say that whole baby situation is... taken care of.

ROBIN WRIGHT

Well thank goodness for that. Now go lay low until the heat dies down! I've got two weeks till retirement, I'm too old for this shit! You're a loose cannon Gosling! I'm not over the death of my partner! Ah, the Mayor will have my ass for this! Er... Guess I picked the wrong week to quit drinking! Um, one sec...

(logs onto TVTropes)

EXT. THE HOLO-DRENCHED HOLO-STREETS OF HOLO-ANGELES, 2049

RYAN takes the wooden horse toy to the corner CARBON DATING shop for more information.

BARKHAD ABDI

Welcome to my shop Ryan. Listen to me. I am the Blade Runner now, heh heh heh.

RYAN GOSLING

Dude, really?

BARKHAD ABDI

Well it's not like THIS character is memorable, hell me and Lennie James are only here to distract from how pasty white the principal cast is. Anyway let's have a look at this thing...

(examines)

My God. The wood used for this toy is soaked with radiation, Grey Goose Cherry Noir, and unwanted NHL contracts. This could only have come from...

RYAN GOSLING

...LAS VEGAS, BABY!

(mugs to camera)

ANA DE ARMAS

I must come with you, Ryan. Although I am a glorified version of The Sims, I... love you. But I know everything that's happened, except the tracking device in your coat of course. It is too dangerous to leave copies of me around! You must destroy the apartment backup, leaving me only to exist in your pocket stick!

RYAN GOSLING

(leers)

Pocket stick? Is that what we're calling...

ANA DE ARMAS

The DATA stick, idiot.

(sighs)

If only we had a cloud backup of me from, say, a week ago, before I knew anything dangerous. Oh well!

RYAN deletes ANA HOME and he and ANA MOBILE set off for LAS VEGAS.

INT. LAPD HQ, 2049

Meanwhile, SYLVIA HOEKS waltzes into LAPD, again, and straight-up MURDERS someone, AGAIN.

ROBIN WRIGHT

(stabbed)

Oh shit, the someone is me. Dear God our security is ass.

(dies)

SYLVIA HOEKS

Ah, now I can use the LAPD computer system to track down Ryan! Wait, why haven't I had one of my spy satellites tracking his every move? I really need to remember I have that thing.

EXT. VAST DESOLATE NUKED-TO-SHIT LAS VEGAS, 2049

RYAN tracks LIFE-SIGN READOUTS to BEES to a CASINO to a TRIPWIRE to another PIANO to a DOG to at long fucking last, HARRISON FORD!

HARRISON FORD

So, you found me. Deep down, I knew eventually somebody would. And to think, it only took you guys thirty years, I was sure it would be closer to thirty-five--

RYAN GOSLING

DON'T FUCKING GET ME STARTED DUDE ARRRGHHHHH

RYAN ATTACKS HARRISON and HARRISON ATTACKS RYAN while AGGRESSIVELY FLASHING & BOOMING ELVIS LIGHTSHOWS ATTACK the AUDIENCE! Eventually they get bored of punching and switch to drinking. HARRISON shows RYAN his rooms which come equipped with HOLO-MARILYN-MONROE and HOLO-FRANK-SINATRA.

RYAN GOSLING

I like how you've surrounded yourself with nostalgia aimed at white dudes born in the 1940s, like Harrison Ford was, instead of maybe white dudes born in the 1970s, like Rick Deckard was. Where's the simulations of Madonna and Buckaroo Banzai?

HARRISON FORD

Hey I didn't build this place. This was all made post-2019 by a bunch of tech-mad 85-year-olds.

RYAN GOSLING

So I guess it's time we resolved the ending of the last movie, that everyone agreed was better left unresolved.

HARRISON FORD

Yep. So I got Sean Young impossibly pregnant, but her body wasn't made to deliver a baby so she staked herself in an alleyway outside Caritas while Holtz-

RYAN GOSLING

We made an Angel joke last script dude.

HARRISON FORD

Oh yeah. So, to avoid capture she went off with Bautista and he did a Batista-C-section. I taught them how to erase their tracks so they'd never be found. Must have skipped the parts about not carving shit into trees, not making copies of the baby's memories, and not giving one of those copies to a FUCKING POLICEMAN.

ANA DE ARMAS

I love all these telescopes and things! They're great for spotting approaching vehicles like those ones over there, and spotting missiles coming right at us like those--

Suddenly EXPLOSIONS happen! HARRISON'S FLYING CAR... is DESTROYED!! SYLVIA arrives and defeats RYAN, destroys ANA forever, and her GOONS capture HARRISON!

SYLVIE HOEKS

Bwah ha ha. Now LetoCorp has truly won. I should probably capture or kill Ryan, but instead I choose neither! To be fair, I can only murder LAPD personnel while literally inside LAPD headquarters.

She FLIES OFF, leaving RYAN unconscious. Luckily, other SHADOWY FIGURES arrive to rescue RYAN, but far more importantly, HARRISON'S DOG.

INT. DARK DINGY UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT THING

RYAN regains consciousness surrounded by REPLICANTS led by HIAM ABBASS.

HIAM ABBASS

Yes, it was I who asked Mackenzie Davis to track you. And I'm sorry, but you're not actually the miracle baby. The girl's DNA record was the real one, and your horse-toy memory was implanted.

(sad trombone cue)

However, you can still join us rogue Replicants in our Repbellion! How about it?

RYAN GOSLING

I don't know what to say. I mean, every other woman I've met has been either stuck in a hermetic bubble or thirsting after my dick, I'm honestly confused how to react.

INT. LETOCORP

HARRISON is taken by SYLVIA to be questioned using methods chosen™ by JARED.

JARED LETO

Welcome Harrison to my fappy lair of wankily wanking wank, fap wanky fappity fap fap, wank wank

(swallows own cock)

Mphh mlpphhwlmmphhhh mmlphhwhhphmmf

HARRISON FORD

You, sir, are no Rutger Hauer. In fact we seem to have totally bailed on the whole "make interesting antagonists" angle altogether. Shame.

SYLVIA HOEKS

Oh but we have something special in store for you, Harrison. It's gonna blow your fuckin' mind. You thought bringing back Carrie Fisher in Rogue One was cool, well get a load of THIS!!

(gestures)

You recognize that silhouette, don't you? The overdone hair, the linebacker shoulderpads! Now gape in wonder as she approaches, still in shadow, all by herself over there with a large stark empty room behind her! Tremble in amazement as we all go to the other side of the room and clear plenty of space to reveal... DIGITALLY-RECREATED YOUNG SEAN YOUNG! HOLY FUCK RIGHT? Shudder in astonishment as she remains glued to one spot, and we see her from exactly one angle throughout! ARE YOU NOT AWESTRUCK AT OUR TECHNOLOGY

KAREN ALLEN

Fuck, I'm next, aren't I.

HARRISON FORD

Yeah, wow, that's really something Sylvia.

(checks watch)

SYLVIA HOEKS

Ooooh, you're lucky we just happened to ship all our make-you-talk torture technology offworld, just last week! Even though we're involved in a desperate search which might require making someone talk! We're taking you offworld right after Ryan finishes wandering about downtown and rediscovers his purpose, you hear me?!

EXT. HOLO-SLICKED HOLO-STREETS OF HOLO-ANGELES, 2049

RYAN wanders about in the RAIN until finally a FIVE-STOREY-TALL NAKED HOLOGRAM OF ANA DE ARMAS reminds him of his BONER PURPOSE.

RYAN GOSLING

(grins to camera)

The male gaze: it's what's happening! Like, constantly!

(runs off)

RYAN jumps into his SPIFFIER, MORE EXPENSIVE FLYING CAR and magically finds SYLVIA'S FLYING CAR in which she is transporting HARRISON!

RYAN GOSLING

Damn, she has two flying-car escorts! What to do, oh hey I have lasers now.

(shoots escort cars)

(shoots down Sylvia)

SYLVIA HOEKS

GOD DAMMIT WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET TO BRING MY REMOTE SATELLITE MISSILE CONTROLLER FOR FUCK'S SAKE

SYLVIA and RYAN FIGHT in the POURING RAIN just to throw one last 1980S COP TROPE out there. RYAN gets MORTALLY STABBED but luckily there is a TWENTY-MINUTE DELAY on any symptoms! He DROWNS SYLVIA DEAD in an uncomfortably time-consuming fashion, and RESCUES HARRISON!

HARRISON FORD

So in the past thirty years I've upped my game from getting the shit beat out of me, to getting captured and almost drowned. Looks like I still suck at blade running, huh.

RYAN GOSLING

(eye twitching)

Thirty... FIVE...

HARRISON FORD

Okay sheesh, don't make me "accidentally" punch you again. Where to now?

EXT. MEMORY MAKER BUBBLE BUILDING

RYAN and HARRISON land in the SPIFFIER, MORE EXPENSIVE FLYING CAR.

RYAN GOSLING

Your daughter's in there, Harrison. Of course there's no reason Jared Leto or the police couldn't have tracked us, so odds are you guys are fucked now. You're welcome.

HARRISON FORD

Then this is it I guess. You got any big memorable speech you wanna do to wrap things up?

RYAN GOSLING

Nah, I'm just gonna lay down and die. But we'll play the Rutger Hauer death music, and hope the sheer power of nostalgia will carry the scene without needing to really add much to it.

(frowns)

Wait a sec, have we been doing that the whole

END