Want a career as a Muslim apologist? There are many ways you can become the next Reza Aslan, Linda Sarsour, Dalia Mogahed etc. Here are the following steps you can take.

1. Be Muslim

In order to be a Muslim apologist you have to be… well, a Muslim. If you aren’t a Muslim and are still defending Islam from criticisms, you are a mere ally. Why settle for ally? Just convert to Islam and you have the credentials of “lived experience” on your side. This way if those darn hateful New Atheists like Sam Harris criticize Islam, you can always tell them they’re “whitesplaining” or better yet “kuffarsplaining” Islam. Merely having the Muslim label helps you win at that exchange. Western society based progressives automatically assume you know what you’re talking about because you’re “speaking your truth.” To sum it up: Get In On the Identity Politics Game.

2. The Islamophobia Card = Trump Card (Pun Intended)

There’s so much hatred against Muslims that people have become quite sympathetic to the plight of Muslim minorities in the west. If anybody ever criticizes Islam and is an inconvenience to your narrative, just cry Islamophobia. It’s like a magic spell.

The audience of these criticisms will no longer pay attention to what your critics are saying, because now these critics are seen as the racist they are. You can use the Islamophobia card to get Islam critics dis-invited from universities, cause mass boycotts against books that are critical of Islam, silence potential critics etc.

If someone says “criticizing Islam isn’t racist. Islam isn’t a race but a set of ideas. Criticizing ideas is not the same as being bigoted against its adherents,” bring up how their wrongful slander of this beautiful religion gives white supremacists more fuel to target Muslim minorities. Mention how you feel in danger because of their criticisms. And every time there’s an attack on a Muslim in a western society, blame it on these critics. Even if said attack isn’t inspired by bigotry, claim the narrative and make it about Islamophobia.

With the Islamophobia card, the masses will sympathize with you and you will have more opportunities to speak at protests, conferences, talk shows etc.

3. Get Used To Having Set Defenses To Deflect Criticisms of Islam

Whether it’s a non-Muslim, Ex-Muslim, or a Muslim, people will approach you with critical questions on Islam because you’re a public Muslim figure. Here are the following common methods on defending Islam.

When somebody brings up “Islamic terrorism,” say Islam is a religion of peace. The terrorists have nothing to do with Islam. The extremists are inspired by “politics and Western imperialism” instead of Islam.If someone brings up “violent” verses in the Quran and charges they inspire terrorism, say the verses aren’t really violent. They are in self defense and the critic is misinterpreting the verse out of context. You can decorate this defense by saying “Quran is a rhythmic book. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. You wouldn’t cherry pick a scene from Harry Potter movies where Harry is behaving angry and conclude he’s mean right? Same with the Quran. The entire book is peaceful.”

If someone brings up sexist issues they charge is inspired by Islam, you tell them Islam was one of the historical founders of feminism. Bring up Khadija, Muhammed’s first wife, and how she was an independent business woman who was the one who proposed to Muhammed. She was even the first Muslim! Then explain the misogyny away with “it’s not Islam, it’s culture that causes that.” Saying that local cultures inspire interpretations of Islam to be misogynistic makes you seem cultured, intellectual, and nuanced. You will start resembling the great Reza Aslan!

It’s metaphorical. Basically the Quran doesn’t really mean what it says. It has a deep esoteric meaning to it. And reading the Quran directly won’t do anybody any good. It is all so enigmatic and edgy. By saying this, even academics will be drawn to your ideas. Now they have ancient literature they’d love to analyze and make romanticized speculations about. They can start reading “Kill all disbelievers” as “Kill the darkness in the disbelievers’ hearts.” Not such a bad verse now is it? #subliminalQuran

If All Else Fails: “Islam Is Subjective.” A way to make Islam seem progressive and flexible is to point out its various expressions in different cultures. Present this diversity as “Islam is fluid, you interpret Islam for yourself.” Throw in buzz words and phases like “individual autonomy and agency over interpreting the Quran” and leftists will start cherishing you. This will help deflect any criticisms of things written in scripture. If someone then brings up misogynistic Muslims, you can say their prior misogyny informed their interpretation of the texts, and they used these interpretations to exploit women. Then say you want Muslim women to “reclaim” Islamic scriptural exegesis for themselves and you hit a jackpot. Then when an Ex-Muslim starts quoting Quran or Hadith, just say “that’s a Salafi interpretation. My interpretation of it is [insert egalitarian answer here.]” So even when conservative Muslims criticize any areas of religious orthodoxy you may lack, you can just say “I interpret Islam in my own way.”

4. Gain “Woke Points” From Leftists

You can’t just know how to defend Islam from criticism, but you have to know how to play the game of intersectional feminism, and postmodernist thought to your advantage. You have to make sure you maintain alliances in the left and show your colleagues you are committed!

Have your social media accounts ready for any time an incident happens where a minority gets victimized, or Donald Trump says/does something offensive to minorities, and stand in solidarity with these struggles. By doing this you maintain your legitimacy in leftist circles. You have to be committed to criticizing white people and western imperialism. Share memes that casually mock white men.

Why be committed to antagonizing white people? Well, they’re privileged, so mockery won’t harm them in their privileged bubbles. You may also need this for when you apply some of the steps mentioned earlier: step number one being Muslim identity card and number two being Islamophobia card. When a white person criticizes Islam and you play the race card, you can make it seem like an existential crisis that is reminiscent of a history of European colonialism. Throw in the two wars during the Bush presidency, and you’re gold. It now looks like the privileged white male is criticizing the poor brown Muslim (even if you’re a white convert to Islam, you gain brownie points because Islam is a brown person’s religion.)

5. Prepare For The Ultimate Challenge: Muslim/Ex-Muslim Critics of Islam

There are many who are born into or converted to Islam who become critical of Islam. There are ways to approach this. To start off, if it’s a convert to Islam and they’re white, you can just say they don’t know much about Islam and are imposing their white privileged orientalism on Islam.

If the critic does not fit into that profile, then it becomes a real challenge. They have the “lived experiences” you are valued for and are using their lived experiences to discuss problematic effects of scriptures on society (even though it’s really all culture.) But there’s a way to spin this and maintain the leftist support. It’s very simple.

“Colonial Sellout.”

If you frame the critic as a sellout to western cultures, leftists will just see them as a product of western cultures which programs us to perceive brown cultures as savages. You will gain even more points if you can find evidence on whether they’re right wingers or not. They will be rightfully delegitimized as the sellouts they are and nobody will listen to them.

6. Don’t Forget Your “Nuclear Weapon”

We’ve mentioned many different kinds of shields and weapons in this article when it comes to rhetoric: Islamophobia, white privilege, orientalism, colonial sellout, culture not religion, etc. There is one that is the supreme weapon, which is why we’ll be calling it your nuclear weapon. It is an offshoot of the handy Islamophobia card. Consider it an evolution: Super Saiyan Islamophobia. Wanna know what it is? Okay here goes:

The Islamophobia Industry

The phrase “Islamophobia Industry” presents the notion that people criticize Islam to profit from publicly ingrained Islamophobia. This makes it really difficult for writers and speakers who criticize Islam to get opportunities to shine, because which organization or event hosts wants to be labeled as a part of the Islamophobia Industry right? Whether it is obvious or not, you know every Islam critic is in some way funded by Republicans, Donald Trump, Zionists, etc. Why not tell the public about this industry? The public will now be more aware of the ill intentions of Islam critics: to make money. Yes, that’s the reason. There’s no other possible reason one can criticize Islam.

But Isn’t This Article About The Industry For Left Wing Muslim Apologists?

This article is about how to succeed as a Muslim apologist in Leftist circles. Now you may get a lot of book contracts, opportunities to speak at panel discussions, etc. And because you’re not the Islamophobe, you’ll certainly have more potential of opportunities than someone like Ayaan Hirsi Ali. But they are driven by hate. We are not. We have the genuine good cause of defending the beautiful religion of Islam and its adherents from the evil western white supremacy.

If you are charged with profiteering, use key words like “struggle,” “representation of Muslims minds in American discourse,” “Islamophobia” and people will start to see you as one who is genuinely committed to their cause.

Conclusion

To conclude it all, follow these key steps and you will find many opportunities to defend Islam in the public sphere. Don’t forget to open any or all of the following: Twitter Account, Facebook fan page, Youtube Channel, Blog Website etc. You may also want to consider finding opportunities to write for the Huffington Post or Salon to advance your career!

Remember: if all goes wrong, cry ISLAMOPHOBIA! An entire army of left wingers comes to your calling.

Best of luck in your career. And may the Force, I mean Allah, be with you!

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