A polarised week in royal news: Kate Middleton’s husband reveals she is a devotee of adult colouring books, while Princess Beatrice accidentally slices open Ed Sheeran’s cheek with a ceremonial sword while trying to knight James Blunt. It should go without saying that the Yorks are the only element of the royal family it is acceptable to be spellbound by – and I haven’t even got to Duchess Fergie’s turn at the British Curry Awards yet, which is best described as a tumbleweed madras.

Arise Sir Ed. Photograph: Warner Music

Before we go there, though, a quick recap of the bit where Bea nearly blinded Ed Sheeran. It seems that the seventh in line to the throne – now that’s a 10-part fantasy drama I’d watch, Daldry – threw a party at her father Prince Andrew’s house in Windsor. At this event, music’s James Blunt expressed an interest in being knighted. Beatrice availed herself of a sword and swung it – failing to realise that Ed Sheeran was right behind her. Somehow or other she cut Ed’s cheek open, and he was taken to hospital, where he was immediately presented with a certificate for Least Rock’n’Roll Duelling Scar Ever.

Meanwhile, this could hardly come at a more unfortunate moment for Princess Bea’s prospects. At present, Prince Andrew is pushing hard for his daughters to be given full-time royal roles (and big apartments at Kensington Palace). I mean, bless her and everything, but they surely can’t have Bea becoming a ribbon-cutting royal now? One minute, she’s about to declare a new building open; the next, some poor little girl who only wanted to give a posy is undergoing an emergency scissorectomy. Imagine the potential carnage if Bea tried to launch a ship. Of course, we knew she wasn’t the sharpest sword in the armoury since she was given a BMW with personalised plates for her 17th birthday, but left the keys in the ignition when she and her royal protection officers went off to the shops. Someone who technically owned a 1/60 millionth of a share in the vehicle drove off with it. Even so, this latest episode does seem to mark an escalation in chumpery, and we can only fear the worst for Beatrice’s future in public service.

‘Sari I’m late’: Fergie at the British Curry Awards. Photograph: Terry Scott/Splash News

And so to her mother’s red-carpet appearance this week at the British Curry Awards – “often referred to as the Oscars of the curry industry”, to read most of the reports. As is traditional with the phrase “the Oscars of our industry”, it appears to have been deployed without irony, but I would very much like to see the Academy return the favour, and start conceding that the Oscars are “often referred to as the phal of the movie industry”.

Anyway, this year’s British Curry Awards even featured a video message from the prime minister. Theresa May wasn’t accepting an award remotely, in the manner of Sean Connery not being able to make it to the Baftas in the 1980s and sending his tenuously convincing video regrets from beside a pool in Hollywood. Instead, she appeared to be using the medium of curry to address some various value conflicts in British politics. “Today,” she began, “curry is as close to this nation’s heart as fish and chips. Right now, there must be thousands of British families sitting down to a spicy meal at home and in local restaurants,” the prime minister continued, “and curry is as popular in Westminster as it is across the country.”

See? Us and them are not so different. However, Theresa would like it on record that the British people have had enough of curry experts. “And what makes these awards so special, better than any Michelin star, better than any accolade, better than any critic’s write-up,” she explained, “is that they are voted for by the public. They are the restaurants loved by local communities the length and breadth of Britain.”

Heston Blumenthal, Fergie’s saviour. Photograph: Steve Parsons/PA

That seems to have gone down well, but the same cannot be said of Curry Awards guest of honour Fergie, who may have lost the audience before she took the stage late, which, she said, was due to a problem with her sari. According to reports, Fergie found the crowd unresponsive, and said things like: “Well, come on everybody – it was a lousy clap”; and “Will everyone wake up and stop being so dull? And have some fun. For heaven’s sake!” Things eventually became so excruciating that celebrated chef Heston Blumenthal stormed the stage and gave her a cuddle, telling a reporter afterwards: “I just wanted to protect her.”

My dear, the drama of it all. If the civil list doesn’t work out for Bea, could Heston not consider protecting her by giving her a job in one of his kitchens? I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong, and urge him to consider it as a matter of honour.