I love my fiance. He’s kind, caring, and makes me smile and laugh. We’re due to get married next year but one thing keeps nagging at me: our sex life. It has never been great – to start with, he had problems with stamina – but now we have had sex only once in seven months. I’ve tried to speak to him, but he keeps brushing it off and it only makes things worse. I look at other men and sometimes dream about them. Must I get used to a sexless life?

Some people choose to enter or remain in sexless marriages for a variety of reasons. But sex is clearly important to you, so you have to make a choice. Your sexual connection with your fiance is not going to improve by itself. First, take steps to try to rekindle eroticism between you. Do this gently: he is probably unwilling to address it because he is embarrassed, ashamed or confused. Without blaming or shaming him, help him to understand how important it is to address this, and don’t take “no” for an answer. This does not mean offering him an ultimatum. Approach him with love and understanding, and reassure him that this is fixable. There are many possible reasons for his lack of interest, including his perceived issues with “stamina”. Having trouble maintaining an erection or climaxing too quickly are common problems that can be treated. Perhaps he suffers from stress, or a passion-killing mood disorder such as depression or anxiety. Or he might be taking medication that affects his sexual response. You need to work as a team to figure this out. You have put up with this situation for a long time, and I am wondering why. Some people do not believe they have a right to get their sexual needs met – and make commitments and compromises that lead to long-term misery. Is this you? You need to decide.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms

• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.