My transition, part 2

NOTE: This article is a continuation of the previous one, in case you need some context.

Feeling like a woman, what it actually means

In a sense, I didn't recognize myself in this expression. The change occurred in the same way you realize that if you need to order a pizza capricciosa with no mushrooms, no ham, no artichokes, with the addition of grilled vegetables and eggplant, it can make more sense to call it an ortolana.

Individual aspects that taken alone don't say much, but taken together portray a certain picture.

From the most frivolous ones, like preferring Tumblr to sports news websites, to recognizing your own unconscious pro-women bias, or preferring to express femininity, leaving out or hiding your masculine features.

On the one hand, I've often seen myself emotionally/personally weak with males, and with some misaligned interests (cars, football, calendars...).

On the other hand, with girls I've always been afraid of looking like the typical average male who tries to hook them up. And it's like being the ugly one. Especially when I had short hair.

It's also the feeling of finding it annoying how the average male only has that one single thought in his mind. Personally, after watching a nice movie together and some foreplay, I'm happy with that. Done.

And then, the way some of them tend to behave or to see women (and, as we should say in these cases, I have nothing against males, I have a lot of male friends).

And of course, the points I already wrote in the previous article: the strong desire of stopping and reverting your body's natural masculinization process. Personality aside, I wouldn't have of course started HRT if I had preferred a male appearance.

That said, I don't want to delegitimize those who don't feel my same feelings from transitioning.

For example, I never played with dolls (but to be honest, not even with Power Rangers. LEGO for the win.)

"Be a man"

How many times have I heard this sentence. Movies, TV, society. Be a man. A real man should […]. A real man shouldn't […].

In the long run, you might even convince yourself that this is the way to go, even if it sounds artificial and not instinctive.

There also seems to be some stigma for men (regardless of their orientation or gender identity) that take care of themselves. Some time ago I was watching a TV program about men who pay attention to these things. Comments on Facebook where something like this:

Vocal minorities aside, women in western countries tend to prefer, on average, less masculine men, compared to those in developing countries.

Less testosterone means less aggressiveness, less obsession with sex, and generally cuter faces. I personally also share this preference.

In the photo: astrophysicist Brian Cox

I like trans women, am I gay?

No, you're attracted to her femininity, and her masculine features are now gone.

The fact that they underwent genital surgery or not can limit or extend* the space of sexual activities that turns out to be feasible, but after all, we wouldn't call a straight couple that practices pegging "gay", nor would we stop calling "gay" a couple of men who doesn't have penetrative sex.

* Don't rely too much on that... you know, antiandrogens

Anecdotally, guys wrote me on Grindr when I had a more masculine presentation. Now it's a desert.

On the other hand, straight men write me on OKCupid (where I initially registered as a woman, without specifying my transgender status). It really made me happy that, despite not having started HRT yet (but still cherry-picking the photos I post), I "passed" for most of them.

At first, it really made me happy to see the positive feedback/messages. After a while, you get used to it and even stop replying messages (with some exceptions).

Personally, I care more about liking my appearance than "passing". The LGBT activist in me wouldn't in any case be a discrete or secretive person that hides her personality or identity.

Of course, even after surgery there's always someone who polemizes about chromosomes. I guess they are the same people who go writing comments like this on biology websites:

After all, there are even people that born females despite the fact that they're XY or males despite the fact that they are XX (that's not my case).

How it's done

For a lot of time, I felt not legitimized in transitioning, I thought of not being dysphoric or woman enough.

Writing down two notes definitely gave me self-confidence and self-legitimation.

When I was already pretty sure I wanted to continue, I did 2-3 Skype session with a psychologist. However, in order to start I needed a positive opinion from a psychiatrist.

This is the difficult moment for many trans* women that would like to transition.

You can end up with people that make you do a thousand sessions even if you're already absolutely sure. That don't take you seriously if you're lesbian (because a real woman is attracted to men, right?). That don't take you seriously if you don't dress in the most stereotypically feminine way. This is known as "gatekeeping".

The consequence is that many women start with DIY/self-medication (after all, this is 2015, the Internet and couriers do exist). Of course, starting with an endocrinologist's help would be... preferable.

It's enervating to know that as time passes, testosterone is proceeding its destructive work.

In some countries like the United States, informed consent clinics exist: I know what I'm doing, I know the consequences, I'm an adult, and I want to continue.

After asking around a bit, I found a psychiatrist in Genoa known for not being a gatekeeper. I managed to convinced him at the first session. It was a nice and unexpected sensation, a bit like when at school the teacher is examining you, then suddenly stops you and says: "Ok stop here, that's enough. A+." (you walk away with a grin).

Then, you have to do some blood tests to make sure everything is ok, and then, with the recommendation letter form the psychiatrist, the endocrinologist prescribes you hormones.

Hormone replacement therapy is for many trans people (including me) the Saint Graal of transition. Other things you can do are laser sessions for facial hair removal (which I'm doing), and perhaps all the little cosmetic surgeries that all women do (ok not all of them), and genital reassignment surgery (which I don't plan to do, but I might change my mind one day).

In Italy, it's not possible to change your legal gender unless you undergo surgery. This creates many difficulties to women that don't feel ready/don't want to do it, and leaves you like a man to the eyes of the state. (Isolated sentences seem to be showing some changes).

There are so many personal details!

Yes, I filled these two posts with personal details.

Even if I'm introverted, I still tend to be an open source person.

It surprised me to see that even within my restricted circle of friends on Facebook, some of them told me that they recognized themselves in my description.

And after all, it can be nice to know that maybe someone is now thinking: Wait but then I'm not the only one who sees things that way.

Summarizing everything with "I'm feeling like a woman" sounded reductive.

Switching to a more androgynous clothing style or letting your hair grow long is not a commitment as binding as an actual transition. I've also had a smooth gradient between masculinity and femininity, even before defining myself transgender or genderqueer.

It can seem a bit weird at first to go to the female part of a clothes stores, but after all, it's not that you see "For women only" on clothes' labels. There's also more variety of skinny jeans.

After I started taking my decision, I proceeded like a tank. I never said things like "ok listen there's an unmentionable secret I have to tell you, I hope you'll accept me". That would've given an illusion of power and control to possible homophobes/transphobes. For me, it is as if they wandered around in medieval clothes, outraged by the heresies and modernities of 1400.

I don't have feelings of anger towards them, but I put them in the same category of anti-vaxxers, homeopaths and conspirationists. Maybe some of them are just misinformed, but with other ones there's no argument or reasoning that can convince them.

Again, for any questions or curiosities, PM me on facebook or send me an email, I really like to discuss about this topic.