Isaac Newton’s third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. To convert that into musical terms: For every truly great album, there is an equally wretched album. Last week I listed my favourite albums of 2014. So it’s only right that I now present an alphabetical list of my least-favourite discs. Here’s to the dull and the derivative, the brutal and the banal, the pointless and the just plain putrid. If you paid for any of these, you have my sympathies. If you’re thinking about it, well, don’t say Ike and I didn’t warn you.



Boston

Life, Love & Hope



It’s been such a long time. But sadly, these bland globs of ’70s-rock cheese from meticulous guitarist Tom Scholz are enough to convince you that Boston really should be going, yeah.



Susan Boyle

Hope



Nope. Not unless you want to hear Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here, John Lennon’s Imagine and Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water ruined for all time.





Billy Corgan

AEGEA



Try ZZZZZ. The Pumpkin noodles for 85 minutes of meandering meaninglessness that make Metal Machine Music sound like MmmBop. No songs, no lyrics, no point. Cue the infinite sadness.



deadmau5

While(1<2)



He’s still the mouse that bores. Overrated, big-headed EDM rodent Joel Zimmerman tries and fails to earn musical cred with this uninspired double-disc set of NIN-ian cliches.





Down With Webster

Party For Your Life



Wake up, dudes — the party-rock party’s over. And trying to keep it alive by replaying the same mixtape of arena-pop, hip-hop and EDM only makes you look desperate. Just go home already.



Fozzy

Do You Want to Start a War



Unsurprisingly, I do not want to start a war with butthead behemoth Chris Jericho. But I would prefer he stick to pawing sweaty men in bathing suits and leave music to those with actual talent.



Engelbert Humperdinck

Engelbert Calling



When the Hump calls, who answers? A bizarre who’s who of stars from Elton to Wynonna to Ron Sexsmith to Gene freaking Simmons — all crooning pop classics with the shmaltzmeister. Oy.



Led Zeppelin

Led Zeppelin | Led Zeppelin II | Led Zeppelin III | Led Zeppelin IV | Houses of the Holy Super Deluxe



The original albums are indisputable classics. Jimmy Page’s latest endlessly overhyped series of cash-grab reissues with inferior sound AND pointless bonus tracks? Not so much.



Barry Manilow

My Dream Duets



His dream, your nightmare. Cheesemeister Manilow robs the graves of Judy Garland, Whitney Houston, John Denver and more on this necrophiliac abomination. May he burn in hell.



Brian May & Kerry Ellis

Candlelight Concerts: Live at Montreux 2013



They will not, will not, rock you. Instead, guitarist May and U.K. musical theatre singer Ellis will disappoint you by sitting down for a bland set of shlock-rock and cheese-pop ballads.



Martina McBride

Everlasting



R-E-S-P-E-C-T meets K-A-R-A-O-K-E as soulless sister McBride reverently and pointlessly recreates soulful classics from Aretha, Otis, Motown, Van and others. She should do time for this.



Smokey Robinson

Smokey & Friends



Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery. But self-flattery is never the most satisfying tribute. And let’s be honest, Smokey; Steven Tyler, Jessie J and Gary Barlow are not your friends.



Nicole Scherzinger

Big Fat Lie



A massive who-cares of breathtakingly unoriginal, instantly forgettable pop glop. On the plus side, it’s neither as big nor as fat a lie as faking an orgasm in an airplane bathroom to sell shampoo.



Neal Smith

KillSmith & The GreenFire Empire



Alice Cooper’s old drummer (who is now a realtor) unleashes the third concept album in his rock opera about a South American drug lord with an ancient secret. Sadly, I am not making this up.



Matt Sorum’s Fierce Joy

Stratosphere



This is why people make drummer jokes. Superstar stickman Sorum goes soft on his second solo album, leaving the kit to croak insipid drivel over folk and pop glop. Lose your delusion, dude.



William Shatner

Ponder the Mystery



It's too late to go straight now. The Shatman continues to explore … strange … new worlds with the help of classic-rock VIPs who need a paycheque. He’s boldly going off his rocker.



Robin Thicke

Paula



Sometimes the fans get it right. Case in point: Thicke’s pathetic post-breakup album sold only 550 copies in Canada in its first week. Good lucking blurring those lines from your memory, loser.



Various Artists

Nashville Outlaws: A Tribute to Mötley Crüe



You’d think country and the Crüe couldn’t suck any harder collectively than they already do individually. You’d be wrong, based on this redneck karaoke disc. Don’t go away mad. Just go away.



Neil Young

Storytone



Love makes fools of us all. But few sound like a bigger fool than Young as he croons love songs to GF Daryl Hannah with an orchestra. Albums like this are why his former label sued him.



Young the Giant

Mind Over Matter



They don’t matter. And yes, I mind. Between the generic modern-rock posturing and insipid pop fluff, the faceless Californians’ sophomore album is basically a giant waste of time.



darryl.sterdan@sunmedia.ca

Twitter: @darryl_sterdan