by @marathemara

Imagine an Alternian romantic comedy. Two guys who have been in cahoots for ages find themselves waxing flushed for the same girl on the same day. They each start courting her, trying to keep it a secret from each other while at the same time trying to convince each other to go black for her so that they can vacillate properly. Finally one of guy decides to make a schedule for dating the girl. The other guy objects, wanting the girl to have some say in who she dates, and starts drawing bone bulges all over the schedule. In the middle of the argument they both suddenly realize they have caliginous feelings for each other.

Now imagine that everyone involved is under the age of sixteen, that one of the guys is a human, and that neither is willing to admit their feelings for each other. Then you have what is possibly the funniest part of Homestuck: the Penis Ouija scene.Here’s how it goes down: Karkat bursts in, furious as usual, interrupting a conversation between Rose, Dave, and Kanaya about what the Alpha Earth session is like.



He confronts Dave about his relationship with Terezi, but not in the way Dave expects. He doesn’t want Dave to stop dating her. In fact, he’s perfectly willing to share her, according to Alternian social rules about quadrant vacillation, an idea that makes Dave uncomfortable.



Here is the example Karkat uses to explain vacillation to Dave.



A trashy Alternian romance novel. Karkat reads the kind of book you might see on the impulse rack at Maul-mart marketed at older females with unfilled quadrants. It even has Troll Fabio on the cover. That cracks me up.



Dave wants none of Karkat’s explanation, nor of his vacillation, nor of his trashy romance novel (and he doesn’t even bat an eye when Rose steals it. Dunno what that says about Rose…) Instead of acknowledging Dave’s concerns and having a mature intelligent conversation about the issue, Karkat shows he doesn’t care by pressing on, stealing Rose’s pen and a page of Rose’s book to draw up a schedule of who should spend time with Terezi when.



Dave fights immaturity with immaturity, grabbing Karkat’s hand and fighting him for control of the pen. Karkat persists in drawing squares; Dave responds by drawing penises.

And just to highlight how immature their fight is, Dave reminds Karkat that Terezi has no idea they’re doing this and will probably not like that Karkat is trying to decide her future for her. There is no point to fighting, and yet they keep fighting.



And then they start grappling. And Karkat’s response to being touched is “Strider, I don’t hate you like that.”





He is biting Dave’s cape. Can this get any more ridiculous and hilarious?

Apparently it can. And then this happens.

[Fantastic animation by @hnkkorgris. Go check out her art.]



The fucking cape suplex. By which point I am as helpless as Karkat, but instead of flailing on a table, I am literally rolling on the floor laughing. And then Terezi ends our fun by calling everybody up on deck to meet with Meenah and Aranea.



This is all wonderful in its own right. But what makes the Penis Ouija scene even better is that it doesn’t go away in the New Alpha. Dave and Karkat’s relationship is more pleasant, of course, and they’re definitely closer to a red quadrant than a black one. But:

Maybe Penis Ouija just has to happen, regardless of what timeline is the alpha. Not just because it shows up in Calliope’s book…

…but also because it’s just so damn funny.