Christian Schneider

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Opinion

SCENE: Democratic National Committee headquarters, early July, 2017. HOUSE MINORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI, SENATE MINORITY LEADER CHARLES SCHUMER and DNC CHAIRMAN TOM PEREZ sit around a table to discuss the Democratic Party's future.

PELOSI: Glad you guys could both make it.

SCHUMER: I was told there would be nachos.

PELOSI: We'll work on that. But in the meantime, as we all know, the Democratic Party is being held back by just one thing — the lack of a catchy slogan.

PEREZ: It's true. Voters in the Rust Belt list "inadequate hashtags" as their primary concern, right between immigrants taking their jobs and the opioid epidemic.

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PELOSI: I know, right? Our otherwise flawless presidential candidate would be in the Oval Office right now had she employed a catchphrase like, "Build the Wall" or "Lock Her Up." Chuck, get off your phone and please pay attention.

SCHUMER: Do you think my Bitmoji looks like me?

PELOSI: So we've been kicking around some slogan ideas. (Turns to DNC intern.) Can you read the winning idea off your computer?

INTERN, SPEAKING IN THICK RUSSIAN ACCENT: I just need password.

PEREZ: It's "password," duh. By the way, who are you, again? I've never seen you.

INTERN: I am lazy American teenager. "Fidget spinners. Pokemon Go." See? Also, winning slogan is "Better Deal."

SCHUMER: Wait — that's what we spent months workshopping? "A Better Deal"?

PELOSI: Isn't it great? As progressives, that's what we do. We propose "deals." Teddy Roosevelt's "Square Deal." FDR's "New Deal." Adlai Stevenson's "Pretty Good Deal." Hubert Humphrey's "Groovy Deal."

PEREZ: I feel like some of those aren't real.

PELOSI: They're right here on Wikipedia.

SCHUMER: Isn't literally Donald Trump's whole thing that he makes the "best deals"? Isn't "better deal" slightly short of "best"? Aren't we promising a worse deal than the president?

PEREZ: He literally wrote a book called The Art of the Deal.

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PELOSI: But the whole "deal" trick for our side is 120 years old — that's what the kids want now. They want retro, century-old progressivism. It's the Bernie Sanders of slogans.

SCHUMER: Also, didn't we just control the presidency for eight years? What are we offering them a "better deal" from? The Obama era? And where are those nachos?

PELOSI: Look, we took a poll and that's what the people liked. I know House Republicans gained a record majority during my tenure as the Democrats' leader, but I assure you this one's the golden ticket.

PEREZ: I still like it. Even if it beat out my suggestion, "Republicans Don't Give a S--- About People."

SCHUMER: How about a mission statement that good old "Eddie Punchclock" can understand? Like this, here: "If you work your butt off and pay taxes, you should be able to easily understand and navigate the laws, tax codes, health care and anything else the government puts in place that affects us all."

Christian Schneider is a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors and a columnist for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, where this piece was first published. Follow him on Twitter @Schneider_CM

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