I always wait until everyone has left our student house to tiptoe to the shower. You probably wonder why I wake up so early or late. Or why I do the laundry so often, and never invite anyone into my room. It is because I live in shame.

I have wet my bed every single night for the past 23 years. I use adult diapers, but sometimes even those are not enough to keep everything dry. When I wash, I use different shower gels each time, because the same smell only reminds me of my morning trauma.

I was diagnosed with nocturnal enuresis at 16. Until then, each specialist told my parents simply to wait it out, that the bed-wetting would end one day. My parents found it a challenge, but I was the one who was giving up on having a normal life.

At 17, I became suicidal. I could see a life of loneliness ahead of me. No one will ever want to share a bed with me. No one will love me. I will have no sex or intimacy with anyone. I can never have children. How can a bed-wetting adult – a baby adult – ever have a baby of her own? How can I ever bring a child into this life knowing that the chance of them also being a bed-wetter is higher than 40%?

Bed-wetting comes with low self-esteem and no hope. It also comes with exhaustion. Mentally and physically, I am drained all the time. Next month I will see yet another specialist, but my hopes are not high. I dream of waking up dry, and slipping out of my room and saying good morning to you. But for now, I can’t. I am ashamed.

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