WASHINGTON—Less than 24 hours after electoral victories across the nation firmly put Congress under Republican control, morbidly curious Americans reportedly wondered Wednesday just how much President Obama’s appearance will deteriorate during his final two years in office. “He’s already grayer and more exhausted-looking since even the 2012 campaign, so I can only imagine how he’s going to completely fall apart now,” said Pennsylvania resident Robin Harper, echoing voters throughout the country who told reporters that they wouldn’t be surprised if Obama finally left office with a stark white head of hair, sagging cheeks, or even a weird psychosomatic limp. “What if he loses a ton of weight—oh, man, what if he gets fat? And maybe his voice kind of gives out on him, too. I mean, I voted for him, but I’m kind of dying to know.” At press time, the nation admitted it was wondering what Michelle Obama would look like once the next two years were done with her, too.

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