Yesterday I posted what I thought was a cute picture that made me proud, of me breastfeeding my youngest child before a 5K. I never ran before he was born, and he’s been in the jogging stroller for all of my five races so far. So I thought this was a sweet photo, of me giving my running buddy a pre-race snack. I also liked that I was talking to my older child instead of just telling her to be quiet and let baby nurse in peace because Mommy was going to have to run in 5 minutes and I didn’t want baby to be hungry and fussy for the whole 31 minutes and 5 seconds (see how I got that time in there? Subtle right? Applaud me, fellow mediocre runners).

After I posted this picture on Facebook, a woman (!! still surprised that it was a woman, although I guess this is naive) commented on my page that it was “gross.” So what do you think? Here it is, sorry in advance if you vomit or turn into a pillar of salt:

I was touched and surprised by the heartfelt response of my Facebook followers, all of whom supported me in posting this picture and didn’t think it was gross at all. I also got a lot of compliments like “Beautiful!” They meant the whole breastfeeding thing but I’ll take the compliment. Anyway, I was thinking more about it, and I came up with some more things that are gross. I daresay they are even grosser than me breastfeeding my baby, if that’s possible. So, here is my list of five things that are more gross than my breastfeeding photo.

1. Child hunger. Ew! Super gross! Can you believe that there are children who are so malnourished that they can’t even develop correctly and may even die! So gross. And their moms are also malnourished and don’t even have enough gross breastmilk to grossly feed to their gross babies. If this grosses you out, donate to Plan USA. In our gross breastfeeding family, we sponsor three children from gross developing countries. Ew, stop, I’m eating.

2. Cancer. Ew for real. All those bald skinny people! Sometimes even kids! So gross. Yuck to the double yucko. If you’re totally grossed out by cancer, you can donate to the American Cancer Society and maybe they will cure cancer and, by the law of syllogism, cure people from looking totally gross.

3. Orphans. What is grosser than an orphan? Maybe my breasts, but that’s certainly all. They are so needy and totally gross. Maybe that’s why their parents left. That or war, crushing poverty, or death. Donate to iOprhan to stop these orphans from grossing people out to max.

4. HIV. Ew to the double ew. Do you know people don’t even need to have sex to get HIV? Sometimes, they just have to be born. This involves TOUCHING A VAGINA. With your HEAD. Ew ew! Stop before I throw up. To help make sure HIV babies get treatment to help them be less gross, donate to (RED).

5. Cleft palates. I know my breasts are totally repulsive, but wait till you see this:

Can you believe it? That baby was so stupid to choose to be born looking so gross. Also to choose a poor family without the resources to get his cleft palate fixed without free surgery from Smile Train, our other favorite gross charity. Donate here to fix that gross baby up before he grosses out any more innocent people.

Well, that’s about it. My breasts and the life giving milk which they produce may in fact be grosser than everything else in the world besides these five things. Sucks. Oh well, at least my gross baby is happy and well fed.

Till we meet again, I remain, The Gross Breastfeeding Blogapist.

Visit Dr. Rodman at Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook where you can see her gross breastfeeding photo in the flesh, as it were, or Tweet to her gross self.

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Order Dr. Rodman’s newest book, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and order her first book: How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person

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