ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The iconic bin fire that is the Australian media industry has flared this morning as Fairfax Media and Nine Entertainment merge in a $4bn deal.

The deal, which will see Nine take a 51% stake in the breathless news media organisation and Fairfax to take Nine’s name, is one of the largest media mergers in recent memory.

According to the pilot who flew Fairfax into the mountainside of fate, Greg Hywood, this deal was ‘totally unavoidable’ and ‘good news for shareholders’.

He spoke to our reporter from the Sydney Morning Herald payphone located on the ground floor of their Pyrmont headquarters.

“There was absolutely no way we could’ve prevented this, we tried our best to diversify our income streams,” said Hywood.

“The Store by Fairfax was a bold decision. People don’t often turn to their newspaper to buy the type of useless trinkets that only the bored, blue-ribbon electorate bourgeois will ever need. Turns out people don’t buy those things very often – let alone from newspapers,”

“That at the music festival. It was called Spectrum Now if you can’t remember the name.

“I stand by my decision to pay everybody except journalists a livable wage. We needed every single social-media-middle-manager-earning-$90k-plus-super-plus-car-plus-bonus we had. I stand by my decision to slash thousand upon thousand editorial positions until you could land a Boeing in the newsroom without disturbing anyone. I stand by my decision to not invest in the next generation of journalists. This is not my fault, this was unavoidable.”

The Advocate reached out to a number of currents and former Fairfax employees for comment but nearly all of them were being retrained to work the fart sound effects panel on The Footy Show.

However, one Fairfax staffer did speak to our reporter about his fears about the shift in workplace culture and editorial policy.

Speaking candidly, the employee said he looks forward to nothing.

“Well, that’s it,” he said.

“150 years of quality journalism in the toilet. They say nothing will change but the average Australian isn’t a mug. Just you wait. One day, it’ll happen to your steaming shit-heap of a newspaper – and when that day comes, everyone will laugh. Just like they’re doing now. Two of the most economically mediocre media companies rafting up to make our collective death more bearable,”

“Oh and by the way, are you looking for people at the moment?”

More to come.