Abuser Tricks

If you are in Midcoast Maine in Sagadahoc, Lincoln, Knox and Waldo counties, New Hope for Women is here to help by calling our toll-free number at 1-800-522-3304, visiting our ‘Contact’ page, or stopping by any of our Midcoast offices. If you are not from the Midcoast Maine area, here are some resources that may be of help to you: the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence at 1-866-83-4HELP or via the web at www.mcedv.org or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 or via the web at www.thehotline.org.

The following is a list of behaviors that may indicate a potential batterer. It is not the purpose of the listing to imply that every person with some of these attributes is a batterer or potential batterer.

Jealousy At the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealously with love. The abuser will question the victim about who the victim talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others. The abuser may call the victim frequently during the day, drop by unexpectedly, refuse to let the victim work, check the car mileage, or ask friends to watch the victim. Controlling behavior In the beginning an abuser will attribute controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, the victim's safety or decision-making skills). As this behavior progresses the situation will worsen, and the abuser may assume all control of finances or prevent the victim from coming and going freely. Quick involvement A victim often has known or dated the abuser for a brief period of time before getting engaged or living together. The abuser will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship. A victim may be made to feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship. Unrealistic expectations An abuser expects the victim to meet all of the abuser's needs, to take care of everything emotionally and domestically. Isolation An abuser will attempt to isolate the victim by severing the victim's ties to outside support and resources. The batterer will accuse the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers." The abuser may block the victim's access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home. Blames others for problems An abuser will blame others for all problems or for the abuser's own shortcomings. Someone is always out to get the abuser or is an obstacle to the abuser's achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything. Blames others for feelings An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for: "You're hurting me by not doing what I want." "You control how I feel." Hypersensitivity An abusive person is easily insulted, perceiving the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. Cruelty to animals or children This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. The abuser may expect children to perform beyond their capability (for example whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper or teasing children or siblings until they cry). "Playful" use of force in sex This behavior includes restraining partners against their will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless, initiating sex when the partner is asleep, or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. The abuser may show little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance. Verbal abuse This behavior involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading the victim, or putting down the victim's accomplishments. Rigid sex roles The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Dual personality "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Explosive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality, are typical of people who beat their partners. Past battering An abuser will beat any partner if the individual is involved with the abuser long enough for the cycle of abuse to begin. Circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Threats of violence This consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will excuse this behavior by claiming "everyone talks like that." Breaking or striking objects This behavior is used as punishment (breaking sentimental possessions) or to terrorize the victim into submission. Any force during an argument This may involve an abuser holding down his the victim, physically restraining the victim from leaving, or pushing or shoving. Holding someoneback in order to make demands, such as "You will listen to me!" is also a show of force.

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