BOSTON— Expressing frustration after finding themselves in the same old predictable dispute again, local couple Melanie Kinsey and Derrick Alterman admitted Friday that they were growing tired of always having the same knife fight. “More often than not, I’ll be tired and irritable and take a few little swipes at her here and there, and then she gets defensive and just lashes out at me—which I understand, but I don’t know if it’s proportional to bring up stuff I did before we were dating, or to use a machete,” said Alterman, adding that on occasions when alcohol is involved, the altercations have been known to escalate brutality to the point where neighbors have called the police. “Sure, on the surface, it’s just a little knife-fight about dishes someone—okay, that I left in the sink tonight, but really we both know what the underlying knife-fight is really about. Plus, Melanie really knows my most vulnerable spots, and she always goes for them first. We both know exactly how to hurt each other. Frankly, I’m exhausted from all this.” Kinsey, for her part, said she fears the couple may keep rehashing this same knife fight until one of them finally leaves and comes back with an axe.

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