We’re still in such a vicious partisan time. I don’t know whether folks notice this, but in Washington Democrats tend to wear blue—men tend to wear blue ties; Republicans tend to wear red ties. —James Comey, in an interview with the ABC News chief anchor George Stephanopoulos.

I’m James Comey. I led the F.B.I. for four years—so, suffice it to say, I know a lot of secrets. Like, and this is the kind of classified stuff you could build a whole TV show around: Democrats wear blue; Republicans wear red. See, that’s the sort of “tell” that you learn to spot in a career in the Bureau.

Here are some other top-secret things I’ve picked up:

The difference between an Uber and a Lyft is that an Uber has a “U” decal on the windshield and a Lyft has to have its app downloaded really quickly outside the bar when you remember that you told your friends you deleted Uber “for feminism.”

In the Academy, you learn that the difference between regular polo and water polo is that regular polo is played on horses, while in water polo the horses are merely fans.

The difference between a macaron and Emmanuel Macron is that one is something dry, tasteless, and French that people feel they have to like because it’s trendy, and the other is some weird cookie.

The difference between a very scary ghost and a child under a sheet who “didn’t mean to make you cry” is, quite frankly, not going to make me feel better at this point.

The way to tell a Lowe’s apart from a Home Depot is something you only pick up after years on the job. Here’s how an F.B.I. agent does it: first, you walk in past the big sign that says Lowe’s, and you say hello to the employee in the red vest that says Lowe’s, who replies, “Hello, welcome to Lowe’s”; then you sneak into the paint-and-primer section and you find the Lowe’s-brand ceiling primer, and, in a very spying way, you tip the can over and look for the secret code on the bottom that says, “Product made by Lowe’s”; after which, you crouch there, holding the can, until someone announces, “Lowe’s is now closing”; but you refuse to move until a Lowe’s employee comes up to you and says, “Sir, we are closed, please leave,” and—this is the important part—then you say, “I thought the hospital was open all night,” to which the employee will sigh and respond, “Sir, this is a Lowe’s,” and then, BAM, you’ve got him on the record.

You can tell a conservative from a libertarian because even though you might want to punch both of them in the face, the libertarian thinks that, legally, you should be allowed to.

The difference between a humorist and a comedian is that a humorist is on “Wait, Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me!” and a comedian is still on your couch?

The difference between a Möbius strip and an infinity sign would take forever to explain.

The difference between the stock market and astrology is nothing.

The difference between a Hillary Clinton Presidency and a Donald Trump Presidency is me.