The Universal Bullshit Translator is still recovering from its burger-flipping Ruby adventure, but it couldn’t resist this recent submission. (Okay, I had to scratch its quarter panels and sing the “UBT Is So Great” song…)

The Other Woman Whose Sole Objective Is Improving Your Marriage.

The submission from landingon2feet.

E-mail to my spouse on D-Day:

Dear (Cheater):

Without any hesitation, I know that I love you completely and wholly with all my heart. I know you love your wife!!! I hope she will give you a chance to prove that love. You have a lot at stake. Wow! I can’t overlook your relationship with your sons! There’s so much for you to think about! I’m so sorry… You should take your time with these decisions. I will support you and your decisions in every way I can. I will also pray for you, me and your family…

Other Woman sent this e-mail for him to forward to me on same day:

To landingon2feet:

I’m in no position to offer advice, but I hope you will give Cheater the opportunity to make things right with you. He loves you! He said you were distracted and busy. He was missing your attention. I made a terrible mistake when I pulled him into this mess. I think it was my fascination with how a man can step away from his wife and still want her as his wife. It’s what my husband did to me. XXX and my ex are completely different people. I can assure you, my husband never talked lovingly about me. Not to me or anyone else. I’m long gone from your lives and will keep it that way. Give him a chance to redeem his relationship with you. You know in your heart that he’s worth the effort! I’m truly sorry and will pray for forgiveness. I’ve fallen so far from grace. 🙁

Now the UBT’s turn…

Dear (Cheater):

Without any hesitation, I know that I love you completely and wholly with all my heart. I know you love your wife!!!

I’m ready for the Fuckwit Thunderdome. Let the Pick Me Dance games begin!

I hope she will give you a chance to prove that love.

I thrill to triangulation. I hope she will come into the arena. She is a chump and I am a gladiator. #provethatlove

You have a lot at stake.

It’s better when there’s a lot at stake. Can we gore her at the end? Take home an ear or something?

Wow! I can’t overlook your relationship with your sons!

Your wife is utterly invisible, but those kids! Wow!

There’s so much for you to think about! I’m so sorry… You should take your time with these decisions.

Take your time. Let the suspense build.

I will support you and your decisions in every way I can.

I support you from above. From behind. Doggy-style. In every way I can.

I will also pray for you, me and your family

Jesus can watch.

To landingon2feet:

I’m in no position to offer advice,

I’m currently bent over supporting your husband.

#somanypositions #tantricmindfuck

While I cannot offer you advice, I can find my unmitigated gall.

but I hope you will give Cheater the opportunity to make things right with you.

Stay in the game, chump. Watch me win.

He loves you!

In that he-fucks-me kind of way.

He said you were distracted and busy.

You made him cheat on you. I am never distracted or busy. I live on a throne of satin cushions in a palace where servants fetch me eunuchs.

He was missing your attention.

Frigid much?

I made a terrible mistake when I pulled him into this mess.

A terwibble terwibble mistake. (Wink.)

I think it was my fascination with how a man can step away from his wife and still want her as his wife.

I think it was my fascination with being a terrible person. Next I’ll separate mothers and children at borders, see how that goes. #sociopathexperiments

It’s what my husband did to me.

I’m just like you! Except this time I win.

XXX and my ex are completely different people. I can assure you, my husband never talked lovingly about me. Not to me or anyone else.

We’re on the Self-Pity Channel now if you hadn’t noticed. I’m fucking your husband, but poor me. Did I mention me? #Me

I’m long gone from your lives and will keep it that way.

Long gone! As far as the roaming charges in my burner phone will carry me.

Give him a chance to redeem his relationship with you. You know in your heart that he’s worth the effort!

Take this opportunity of me fucking your husband as a chance to improve your marriage! He’s worth it! Don’t leave the arena — stay! We haven’t gored anyone yet. There’ll be lions!

I’m truly sorry and will pray for forgiveness. I’ve fallen so far from grace. 🙁

I end all my important missives with emojis.

#feelmypathos

#sadface