The following is satirical.

Presumptive Democrat Presidential nominee Joe Biden is currently holed up with a dead hooker in a brothel attic and engaged in a gun battle with local police.

The networks have yet to cover the shootout and The New York Times, a former newspaper, says it wishes to do a thorough investigation before absolving Biden of any wrongdoing.

In a column released on Knucklehead Row, the Times’ op-ed page, feminist academic Jane Shrieky-Face wrote, “We must not be lulled by the right into jumping to conclusions. As we did in the case of serial rapist Brett Kavanaugh, we still hold to our position that we should believe all women, but Christine Blaisey-Ford had an aspect of plausibility whereas Biden’s accuser just lies there in a pool of her own blood with a seemingly infinite number of knife wounds in her studded leather teddy. This is clearly not the same sort of situation.”

Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third interviewed himself in order to make sure he’d be asked the really tough questions. He then published the Q and A in the Times Media and Fish Wrap Section.

An excerpt of the interview reads as follows:

Q: When you first published your investigation, you included a sentence reading, “Biden then screamed out the brothel window, ‘I killed this hooker and I’ll kill the lot of you if you try to take me out.'” Why did you later remove that sentence from the story?

A: Although many editors and even I myself reviewed the story before publication, the Biden campaign felt the sentence might give the impression that Biden had murdered a prostitute and was threatening to kill police officers. That is not at all what we intended.

Q: Why do you avert your eyes when you answer?

A: I don’t like the way you’re looking at me.

Q: How am I looking at you?

A: Stop. Do you think I don’t know what I am? Please stop!

The rest of the interview is just inarticulate sobbing.

More satire by Andrew Klavan: Obama Says He’s Proud To Endorse Biden If He Must