The one thing an Australian hates most – apart, that is, from watching Jonny Wilkinson score a last-minute drop goal to win the 2003 Rugby World Cup final against Australia, in Australia – is being mistaken for a New Zealander.

If England had ever beaten the All Blacks in a Rugby World Cup final, being mistaken for an Australian might be second on a Kiwi’s hate list. As it is, it could easily be first.

So how does the innocent, well-intentioned Pom, caught in the crossfire of the battle that is the Wallabies v All Blacks world cup final, tell the two apart? Given that there are an estimated 58,000 Kiwis living in the UK and some 400,000 Aussies – many of them in south west London, near Twickenham, where the match will be played – the danger of unintentional offence seems great, especially for anyone venturing into a pub where the big match is being shown on television.

The differences may seem obvious to those who hail from the Antipodes. But to the inhabitants of the Home Nations, they can seem baffling. So here are The Independent’s pass notes on how to tell your Aussie from your Kiwi. They are published not to antagonise two opposing teams of very big blokes and their supporters. (They seem plenty fired up already, judging by this week’s tweet from injured All Blacks playmaker Aaron Cruden: “All Blacks Vs Wallabies!! No love lost there.”)

Rather these notes are offered in a spirit of peace and goodwill to all men and women – even the ones from the Southern Hemisphere who have an annoying tendency to beat us at games we invented. And brag about it. Endlessly.

How to spot Australians

Australian fans cheer as their team knocks England out of the World Cup (AFP)

Appearance

Large, clean-limbed, athletic.

Habitat

About half the UK’s 400,000 Australians live in London – especially in the SW postcodes.

Costume

Forget cork hats, Outback vests and rubber flip-flops. Today’s Australians are metropolitan creatures. Look out for slick dressers in gold and green – their team’s colours.

Behaviour

Wallabies fans watch their team take on New Zealand during The Rugby Championship in August (Getty)

Australians like few things better than watching rugby with a drink in hand. But it won’t necessarily be Foster’s. Wine is huge in Australia now.

Language

We say: hello, cans, and flip-flops, cool box. They say: g’day, tinnies, thongs, esky.

Diet

Again, hold the stereotypes. It’s not all ‘slipping another shrimp on the barbie’. Australians have celebrity chefs – Bill Granger, Kylie Kwong – and their Pan-Asian cuisine. But, yes, they also like barbecues.

Australia supporters have a drink outside Twickenha prior to the semi-final victory against Argentina (Getty)

Politics

Occasionally unreconstructed – although the Australians Against Wowsers party, formed in 2001 on a ticket of cheap beer, skimpy outfits for barmaids and no speed limits for pick-up trucks was only a fringe party. Prime Ministers come and go. This week it’s Malcolm Turnbull.

History

Goes back 40,000 years; European settlement followed Captain Cook’s arrival in 1770. Remarks about the treatment of the Aborigine population may cause offence, as will jokes about convict ships.

Heritage

Home of Sydney Opera House, Peter Carey, Uluru (aka Ayers Rock) – and Barry Humphries’ belching creation, Sir Les Patterson.

Another shrimp on the barbie... (Getty)

Heroes

Don ‘The Don’ Bradman; Ned Kelly, outlaw legend; and The Ocker, archetypal Aussie bloke.

National dance

Australians don’t dance. They just stand at the bar, swaying.

Anti-Kiwi joke

Aussie goes to New Zealand. Sees a bloke doing something unnatural with a sheep. Tells him “You’re supposed to shear it!” The bloke turns round and says “I am not shearing it with anyone!”

How to spot New Zealanders

All Black fans arrive for the Pool match against Georgia at the Millennium Stadium (Getty)

Appearance

Large, clean-limbed, athletic

Habitat

Getting on for 60,000 New Zealanders live in the UK. Most can be found in London, especially in the west.

Costume

The stereotypical Kiwi male favours Stubbies: shorts that have been described as “available mostly in brown and a frighteningly one size too small”. Today, however, they’ll be wearing any colour - as long as it’s black.

A fan poses ahead of The All Black's game against Tonga (Getty)

Behaviour

New Zealanders like few things better than watching rugby with a drink in hand. The favoured lager is traditionally Speights.

Language

We say: hello, beer bottle, flip-flops and cool box. They say: Kia ora (Maori), stubby, jandals and chilly bin.

Diet

Keen on the hangi, a traditional Maori meal cooked over the course of the day using heated rocks buried in a pit oven. Also partial to a pavlova, a dessert that the New Zealanders (not the Australians) invented.

A hangi is served for Waitangi Day celebrations (Getty)

Politics

A pretty liberal bunch. In 1893 New Zealand became the first nation in the world to grant universal, male and female adult suffrage. And the 1840 Treaty of Waitangi gave New Zealand Maori the same rights as British subjects.

History

Maori legend places the first settlement, by Polynesian navigator Kupe, to about 1,000 years ago. Europeans arrived with Captain Cook in 1769 – before he stopped off in Australia on his way home.

Heritage

Jane Campion, screenwriter and director for The Piano; Russell Crowe, who’s not Australian, despite what many people think, and Peter Jackson, filmmaker, who’s also not Australian.

New Zealand fans pose prior to the semi-final against South Africa (AFP)

Heroes

Any All-Black player.

National dance

The Haka.

Anti-Aussie joke