There’s always one friend in the group who is mean to the new boyfriends. And I’m proud to say that in my circle, it’s me.

I’m the friend equivalent of a dad cocking his shotgun as a guy comes to pick his daughter up for a date, but I’m not so subtle. Upon meeting one friend’s boyfriend, I stared him in the eyes and with a straight face said, “If you hurt my friend, I will chop your balls off.” Not a threat, just awaring him of consequences and it seemed to work for a while. But then the relationship soured and he moved out of the country. I like to think he’s afraid to return stateside because of my warning. If he knows what’s good for him then he’ll stay away.

This coward of a guy was from Singapore and the only thing I know about food from that area is “Chicken Rice.” A deceptively simple dish of poached chicken and rice, with a flurry of condiments. Better than it sounds, which is the exact opposite of the ex-boyfriend we shall not speak of. Since this dish got that jerk on my mind, I decided to take my original threat into the kitchen and make bite-sized chicken rice meatballs. No jerks were harmed in the making of this recipe.

Poaching chicken sounded too delicate for this application so ground chicken is the base of these meatballs. And any good meatball needs a little filler. Instead of breadcrumbs, a cup of cooked rice is the binder. While an Italian meatball is perfumed with onions, garlic and Italian seasoning, these little orbs keep the garlic and add ginger and scallions.

When I started to roll these meatballs things got really stick really quick. Making sure the ground chicken is really cold will help make sure the balls stick together and not to your fingers. Wetting your hands with some cool water will also stop the stick. I keep the balls small so they cook up quickly. Once you make a million tiny meatballs, pop the tray of raw meat in the freezer for 15 minutes to firm everything up. The chill keeps the chicken rice balls together when you cook them.

Then they’re seared off and finished in a chicken stock bath that not only keeps the meatballs moist(sorry if you hate the word) but also reduces some chicken stock for your dressing. Dressing or sauce, whatever you want to call it, meatballs can’t be naked. The reduced chicken stock is whisked with lime juice, zest, soy sauce, sugar, garlic, and siracha to taste. I’m a spice wimp but you should start with a little and work your way up to your heat of choice.

Going along with the meatball rules: noodles are necessary. Cucumber goes with Chicken Rice so I noodled them for my meatballs. I’m not a zoodle person for the sake of cutting calories or faking to myself that this strip of a vegetable tastes like pasta. But in this case, the cucumber noodle does what regular pasta can’t. The cucumber is refreshing and crunchy and provides a great balance against the rice-studded chicken and tart and spicy sauce.

They take 5 seconds to make because you use a vegetable peeler and pay a little more attention than if you were just peeling carrots. If making cucumber noodles is too annoying then chuck them up and toss them with the sauce and meatballs. But the meatballs are pretty good twirled in the cucumber noodles. I also later found while picking at the leftovers that night, the cold meatballs wrapped in a noodle and dipped in sauce are pretty good too. If cold meatballs aren’t your jam then you could make little party bites by wrapping warm meatballs in noodles and securing the package with a toothpick. Either way, if you stab with a fork or impale with a toothpick, these ex-boyfriend inspired chicken rice meatballs deserve a little violence, as do their inspiration.