When I was a little kid I looked forward to two holidays every year: Halloween (the world’s best holiday IMO), and Valentine’s Day. Halloween, because it’s the only holiday where you don’t need a perfect family or perfect friends or any loved ones at all really, and Valentine’s Day mainly for the aesthetic, the opportunity to wear large quantities of pink, red, and heart prints. Plus, kids in your class would give you those Valentines, and it was just such a cute time, and you were encouraged to eat entire boxes of chocolate. Win, win, win.

But as I got older, I realized Valentine’s Day meant I needed to Be With Someone. This was not a cute day where I dressed up and was shown love by my classmates. No, it was a day where I was supposed to have been chosen — presumably by a man — and I was supposed to be his girl and have him shower me with tacky crap from CVS. If I didn’t have that, I was supposed to awkwardly drink juice in the corner alone, like the one girl at a high school dance. I have since realized that even now, as an adult, I still kind of carry this idea with me. AND F*CK THAT.

Britannica says Valentine’s Day was originally based on a practice in which women and men were paired off via a lottery (Oh, what a fun, heteronormative hell!). This whole act was apparently a celebration of the coming of spring and fertility. So really, this "holiday" has always been a day where society has encouraged people to idealize heterosexual romantic love and upheld it as what's "normal." And, by this standard, what happens when you don't win the lottery? Presumably, you'd be left an outcast and alone.

So why do we still have a holiday where, if you’re single for whatever reason, you’re made to feel that you should hide in your apartment like it’s a freaking bell tower for hideous trolls? For one thing, I can tell you that men do not feel this way. Sure, they might feel a gentle twinge in their stomach if they wish they were coupled and aren’t, but they do not feel the deep, deep shame so many women feel of Not Having Been Chosen or being Single AGAIN on Valentine’s Day. That's because, societally, women are the ones who are seen as failures when they aren't in a heterosexual relationship. They're painted as spinsters, or damaged, or worse. Men, though, are seen as still finding The One; they’re still playing the field.

It's time we put an end to this. If we don't and we cave to the pressure of “needing someone,” what will happen? We might text our exes who treated us poorly because maybe he was The One. (See: someone who once loved us and maybe could again because waiting for the actual One is exhausting.) We might also settle for someone we know isn’t good for us, just to say we have someone. There is no way that a person can make rational, empowered decisions when they’re backed against a wall by societal pressure to couple up or else.

So, here is what I propose: Spend the day by yourself, away from any evidence of Valentine’s Day all together if you choose, OR stop running from it. Embrace WHY you are alone. Maybe it’s because you finally realized your past relationships were unhealthy and you need some time to love and heal yourself. Maybe it’s because you realized you don’t feel you deserve love and you need time to heal. Or maybe you just haven’t met anyone who lives up to your totally reasonable standards and you are, very wisely, waiting until someone does.