Well! A-Ball’s delivering the goods this week. This week’s episode is full of fun facts: Alligators love marshmallows. Incest is okay in 43 states. If your face starts to melt off, try some extra makeup. We could do this for hours, but despite all the other stuff that happened, this episode will be remembered for The Kiss.

We Are Family

Tommy’s in trouble, as we suspected. Joe Lee’s still got the chain around his neck, and worse, he’s kicking him while he’s down. Bad form, Joe Lee. That’s your moneymaker right there. However, Tommy’s time apart from his loving parents has given him a little backbone. Getting the chain around Joe Lee’s neck, he manages to beat the crap out of his father. Watch your back, son. Here comes Melinda. Tommy smacks her across the face, and then, uh-oh — I think they’re both dead. Oh, Tommy, what hath you wrought?

Guilt-ridden and panicked, Tommy pulls up to Sam’s house, with the dead, fly-ridden bodies of their parents in the back of his van. “I fucked up,” he says. Big brother to the rescue. They’re speeding down the road, right past Sheriff Bellefleur. After a hit of V, Andy’s on their tail. Sam sends Tommy to the back and gets ready to wheedle his way out of this. Andy’s about to open a can of whoop-ass, and makes Sam open the trunk. Look at that — Tommy’s shifted into a mean ol’ gator. After a delightful string of curses, Andy backs off. Good work, Mickens. Maybe you’re not as dumb as I thought.

Later that night, the Brothers Mickens have a chat. Tommy’s violated two of the Redneck Ten Commandments: don’t kill shit and don’t fuck with your parents. Sam counters that it was self-defense. Besides, he’s killed two people and he’s doing okay. Time to get these bodies out of the way. What to do when the bodies won’t sink? Throw some marshmallows in the water and watch the gators get to work.

Game Recognize Game

Once Marnie’s episode is over, Lala lays it out — she pissed off yet another vampire. When Jesus asks what happened, Marnie explains that she was possessed by a spirit, but it’s not that bad — the spirit is only trying to protect them. No one’s really feeling this, because both Eric and Pam have been messed with big-time.

Jesus and Lala are smart enough to realize that this nonsense is getting out of hand. They’re headed south of the border to confer with Jesus’ grandpa, a bigwig brujo. It’s time to fight fire with fire: Cue flashback — Jesusito gets a goat for his birthday. Grandpa gives him a knife — time to kill your present. Baby Jesus does as he’s told. Gramps licks the blood off the knife, but Jesus felt something — power. When they finally arrive in Mexico, Gramps, who looks like Tommy Chong meets a Hell’s Angel, sneaks up from behind. He’s been expecting them.

You Can Be My Bodyguard, I Will Be Your Long-Lost Pal

Living as Sookie’s pet is causing some diurnal disturbances for Eric. He’s having some weird dreams, which include a cameo from resortwear Godric. Leading Eric into Sookie’s room, Godric commands Eric to drink from Sookie, so that they might walk in the sun together. Dream-Eric, to his credit, refuses, but Godric is blunt: He can’t fight his true nature, which is undead and evil. Sookie won’t save him and he’s incapable of love. Fangs are out while Sookie and her heaving bosom slumber. She wakes up, screams, and then Eric wakes up.

He goes into Sookie’s room. He had a bad dream and needs to be comforted. Dream Godric may have said Eric’s evil, but Sookie know’s he’s not. He asks to sleep in Sookie’s bed till sunrise, and he’s in the clear, as long as hands and teeth are kept to himself.

The Trouble With Women

At the King’s manse, Granddaughter Portia stops by to have a chat with the King. Once the doors are closed, she starts making out with him, which Bill ends immediately. Incest: the last frontier. Bill lets her know that their relationship is to remain professional. When Portia starts spewing facts about incest laws, Bill glamours Portia into screaming at the very sight of him. Off she goes, like a banshee, into the night.

Just as he disposes of one crazy lady, in comes another. Pam’s wearing her Sunday hat and a veil. She’s mad as hell and wants permission to kill the witch that turned her face into a plate of nachos. NanFlan warned against spilling mortal blood, but Pam will not accept that as an answer. Extra lipstick won’t hide this, Bill. Surely you have an answer?

Sookie’s ready to meddle to try to help her forgetful ward, so she makes nice with the Wiccan Holly at work the next day. After reading Holly’s mind, Sookie gets herself to the Moon Goddess Emporium, where she charms Marnie into giving her a reading. Clutching a locket of Sookie’s hair as reference, Marnie delivers a message from the beyond. Gran’s here, and she misses Sookie. She’s got some words of warning: Beware the man she’s falling in love with, as his situation is temporary. Also, watch out for Marnie. “This woman poses great danger. Run!” commands Gran. Sookie always listens to her Gran, so she’s out the door.

Later on, Marnie meets a familiar face in the backroom — it’s Katie, the double-agent from the coven. She plays nice for a minute, then Bill’s swat team descends and throws her into lockdown. Trance time! This time, our Spanish ladyfriend is in the middle of a circle in a dungeon surrounded by other witches. Some priests enter and her witchy friends circle to protect her. One man reaches for the witch and then his fangs are out! They begin to drain the witch and Marnie snaps out of it.

Bill, in I-banker drag, addresses Marnie over the PA. Nacho-face Pam stands over his shoulder, watching. Bill lays it out — Eric disappeared, Pam’s face is falling off, and he needs solutions. Marnie swears innocence, so Bill zips off to the dungeons to glamour the truth out of her. Once under the influence, it’s clear that Marnie has no idea what happened.

Birds Do It, Bees Do It

Jess and Hoyt tuck Ghost Daddy Jason into his own bed. Hoyt’s thrilled — his woman saved his best friend. Jess is wary — she knows the implications of Jason drinking her blood, and it’s not going to be pretty. In fact, Hoyt’s concerned about his relationship, as he confesses to Jason over lunch at Merlotte’s. Jess has been acting distant and he’s not sure why. Maybe it’s because Jason’s having vivid sex dreams about her writhing around like an alley cat on his torso while Hoyt critiques? Sex always gets Jason into hot water, and it looks like he’s going to have a hard time breaking that pattern.

Trouble in Mind

Bad Baby has done a great job of scaring the daylights out of Arlene and Terry. Salvation comes in the form of Reverend Daniels and Lettie Mae, who attempt to cleanse the house of spirits via tambourine, singing, soul claps, and sage. Arlene and Terry are so convinced that it worked that they later have celebratory “we-no-longer-have-an-evil-spirit” sex while Bad Baby sleeps in his playpen. Looks like they spoke too soon — as they drift off in post-coital bliss, a book of matches spontaneously catches fire.

They’re not the only ones in trouble — America’s favorite shirtless werewolf Alcide runs into a bit of guff with authority in the form of Marcus Bozeman, the lank-haired leader of the pack. Alcide didn’t register with the pack and is trying his hand at free agency. I’m unclear on the intricacies of werewolf bureaucracy, but it looks like this was a big no-no.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Tara and Sookie dish over ice cream and beer. Naomi found a bunch of mail addressed to Tara Thornton, which doesn’t quite jive. Tara tried to change it up because she hates Bon Temps and all the bad juju that comes with it. Sookie, ever the paragon of honesty, implores Tara to fight and make Naomi forgive her. Sookie demurs when Tara asks her if she’d ever forgive Bill. “You gotta be honest with the people you love,” says Sookie. Good advice, Sooks. How about owning up about the vampire in the cupboard?

Night approaches, and Sookie’s getting antsy. Tara’s in need of a friend, and wants to spend the night. Tonight’s not the best night, and before Sooks can make another excuse, Eric enters. Naturally, Tara screams and grabs a fire poker for self defense. Sookie the hypocrite strikes again. Despite Sookie’s assurances that Eric’s changed for the good, Tara is not buying it. She reminds everyone of his past transgressions, like selling Sookie out to Russell, draining her, and torturing everyone’s favorite short-order cook in a dungeon. “Fuck the both of you,” says Tara, and she’s out!

Eric, shocked to discover that he’s actually an asshole, levels with Sooks. Real talk — he did all of those terrible things that Tara mentioned, but Sookie wouldn’t be helping him out if she didn’t think he could change. “There’s a light in you. It’s beautiful. I couldn’t bear it if I snuffed it out,” says Eric. This recapper stifled a groan, but then the swelling violins, and oh, what a kiss! Do you hear that, A-Ball? It’s the squee of fangirls all over the world. Victory is at hand!

This witch business needs to end. Bill gathers his remaining sheriffs, who laugh at the coven, until Luis serves some fresh exposition: In 1610, a sorceress named Antonia used necromancy to rouse vamps during the day, making them walk and burn to a crisp. He survived that mess, but isn’t interested in it happening again. He wants that witch dead. Melty-Face Pam wants in. She’s mad as hell and want’s Eric’s memory back. This is news to Bill. Pam, under duress, lets slip that Eric’s at Sookie’s house. See ya later, Bill. Your fairy princess isn’t as innocent as you thought.