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The '90s had Homer Simpson; the aughts, Tony Soprano. We've since been blessed with Phil Dunphy as the TV father of this as-yet-unnamed decade. A self-described "cool dad," he has—to his children's understandable horror—memorized all the dances from. He lusts after his mother-in-law, played by Curvezilla herself, Sofia Vergara. Powered by an acute case of undiagnosed ADHD, he fears nothing save the wrath of his wife, the spider-infested crawl space under the house, and clowns. "Basically a dog that can talk" is how he's been described by Ty Burrell, the 43-year-old actor who so expertly inhabits him on ABC's. Burrell seems to have taken his daddy role to heart: He and his wife, Holly, started a modern family of their own when they adopted daughter Frances a year ago.

ELLE: Did you have any odd misconceptions about human sexuality as a child?

Ty Burrell: Not really. My dad worked for the State of Oregon with abused children and sex was a topic he dealt with all the time, so from when I was really young he tried to make sure I never had any issues with being ashamed. When I was about 11, I remember him saying, "Masturbation is completely natural." He was that guy. I'm incredibly grateful for it because I don't have any of that repressive stuff that folks deal with. It was all very open in my house. Except for the time I walked in on him and my mom having sex.

ELLE: Yeeesh. How do you recall your father reacting?

TB: Yelling like Ralph Kramden: "Doesn't anybody knock anymore?!" Like he had to make an overarching statement about society while scrambling to get the blanket over him and my mom.

ELLE: I've heard that when young kids see parents having sex, they often think that Daddy's hurting Mommy. Did you?

TB: No, nothing like that. But I remember thinking that sex made my dad really mad.

ELLE: So if you had a free pass for onanism, who did you fantasize about as a kid?

TB: Honestly, with that amount of hormones, the dining room table could put me in the mood. A well-manicured lawn could do it. And every female on earth.

ELLE: What did you do that broke your mom's heart most?

TB: When I was 10 or so, I told her, "I don't think you love me unconditionally." I had no idea what the term meant. She was really hurt at first, but then she was just pissed off, like, "Fuck that! That's ridiculous. I didn't change your diapers and all that shit if I didn't love you unconditionally. Get out of here."

ELLE: If I could grant you a do-over for any event that happened with a woman, what would you choose?

TB: I was never a particularly promiscuous person. And I had some short relationships, but I only had one true one-night stand. And it was one of the least pleasant experiences of my life. I would take it back if I could.

ELLE: Least pleasant experiences of your life? Did she have a tail or something?

TB: No, actually, it would have been much better had she had a tail. I'm prone to hyperbole. It wasn't traumatic. I have nothing against one-night stands. I just wish this one had been better. It was almost grim, if sex can be grim.

Stuart Pettican/Contour by Getty Images

ELLE: I read that one summer in grad school you lived in a car to save money.

TB: It was actually a van. I was in Pennsylvania playing the Mad Hatter in a musical version of Alice in Wonderland for very little money. But I honestly really enjoyed that experience. Plenty of people offered me a couch, but I loved feeling like a little boy with a mobile fort.

ELLE: Did you manage to lure any women to your mobile fort?

TB: No, I didn't. Not surprisingly, I didn't have a girlfriend that summer.

ELLE: You've been married to Holly for 10 years. At what moment did you realize that you wanted to marry her?

TB: About 12 years ago, I was in Mississippi playing Oberon in a not-so-great production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Against her conservative parents' wishes, she was coming down to live with me in a roach-infested former army bunker. I was making $250 a week and had zero prospects for the future. Driving to the airport, I found myself overwhelmed with emotion, thinking, I need to marry this woman because she clearly loves me for who I am. I had literally nothing going for me, and she was actually seeking me out.

ELLE: What do you suppose has been the best gift you've ever given her?

TB: Years ago she and her friends talked about how much they loved haiku. So this last birthday I contacted all her friends and family and had each of them write a haiku for her, and I read them to her on her birthday. And it was really fun, not that seeing your wife cry a lot is usually that fun.

ELLE: You're lucky she and her friends weren't into Shakespearean sonnets.

TB: Exactly. Iambic pentameter would have been a lot more work.

ELLE: You and your wife adopted Frances almost a year ago. What's been the biggest surprise about fatherhood?

TB: This might sound really dumb, but I guess I didn't realize that you actually fall in love with children, that like with any other relationship, as time goes on you actually love them more. I was under the impression that when you first saw them you got smacked in the face with a full amount of love that just stuck around for the rest of your life. But the love actually takes the same path you have with every other relationship. Every week I feel her getting even further under my skin. Now I'm at that point where I miss her when she's asleep. I can't say that was true in the first few months.

ELLE: You've said that a part of Phil Dunphy—a character who was written for you—is based upon your own "delusional, oblivious existence." Any stories involving you and women that would confirm this?

TB: When I was younger, I was unaware that I had no prospects. I remember being just completely hurt and baffled when I would get dumped. And then I'd get back in my van, turn it on to get the heat going, and say, "What is the problem with these women?"

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