As scholars of jurisprudence will one day note, it was recently entered into the legal record that one Mr. Robert Ritchie, stage name Kid Rock, is believed to be in possession of a certain glass dildo, a translucent sex toy of particular importance to an ongoing harassment case involving Insane Clown Posse. Through a subpoena, Mr. Rock was notified that he must present this glass dildo—which was allegedly given to him as a gift by the suit’s defendant, “Dirty Dan” Diamond—so that it may be entered into evidence in the case being brought by publicist Andrea Pelligrini against Diamond and his former employers, a pair of rapping clowns, who stand accused of creating a work environment with a permissive attitude toward dildo gifting. Whatever private claim Kid Rock may have over his glass dildo, this subpoena states, must be temporarily set aside for the sake of justice.


But as it turns out, Kid Rock doesn’t appreciate his name being used in conjunction with the words “glass dildo” in a public setting. And so, in order to protect his reputation—and ensure that no one mentions his name alongside any glass dildos again—he’s published two separate letters to the attorneys involved on his official website, under the title “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds.”

Dear Jim Rasor and Jon Marko, I’m told that you have issued a subpoena for a “glass dildo” that was supposedly given to me. No idea what you’re talking about, and I definitely don’t have it. I’ve never heard of, seen, or met any people involved in this case. But I’m pretty sure you already know that. What I do know is that you’ve been dragging my name around in the media to gain attention for your sad ass excuse for a law firm. I don’t care what you do when you finally catch up to the ambulances you chase, but I do care when you bring my name into it for no reason at all. Let me ask you this. Say in a lawsuit that another crappy firm was handling, your names were brought up for no reason. You wake up one morning, excited for a new day of exploiting the legal system and people dumb enough to look at your website (nice pictures btw, did you study how to look like douchebags in college?), and when you open the newspaper there’s a report from someone you’ve never heard of talking about how Jon Marko and Jim Rasor got caught molesting animals at a petting zoo while high on bath salts. Now imagine you weren’t the scumbags you are, but a citizen who has raised millions of dollars for his hometown, spent hours helping to promote the arts, had helped wounded veterans returning from combat. Say you were people who aren’t a blight on our planet – wouldn’t you be pissed off that your name, for days on end, was being mentioned in the press when EVERYONE involved knew you weren’t involved in any way? Welcome to my side of this story. -Kid Rock

After handing out the sharp sting of verbal dildos to representatives for the plaintiff, Kid Rock paused from the literal hours he spends promoting the arts, and composed a letter serving the defendant’s attorney in kind. As it was “Dirty Dan” who started this mess, this was a far more vicious attack that would leave him begging Rock to remove thy dildo from out his heart.

Dear Brian E. Koncius, I’m told that your client has testified under oath in a deposition that he presented a former employee of Psychopathic Records with a glass dildo, who then allegedly gave the dildo to me? There are only two possible explanations for what your client said: either he is an absolute pathological liar, who for some insane reason decided to make up a bullshit story using my name or 2: he thinks he’s a comedian and was trying to be funny. If he was joking then he’s just an asshole who isn’t funny. But if it was not 100% clear that he was attempting to make a joke, then he just lied under oath because I’ve never met your client, and if I had met your client I’d certainly remember if he tried to give me a glass fucking dildo. Even if it was the “Rasor Law Firm” that sent a press release to the press, you have done nothing to clear up this blatant lie which makes you to blame too. It is obvious that all you assholes are using my name and notoriety to garner publicity for yourselves, which makes you the worst kind of scum. You’re the types of lawyers that make America a worse place for everyone.


Indeed, whatever one may think of Kid Rock’s proclivities, we can all agree that receiving a glass fucking dildo as a gift isn’t the sort of thing you just forget. That’s called “manners.”

Rock concludes by indicting the entire city of Los Angeles, that festering, backbiting pit of vipers who are always trying to peg lies on each other like so many dildos:

I live in Detroit because I can stay out of the fray here and live my life the way I chose to. If I wanted to deal with this shit I’d move to LA, and if I want press, I can get it – trust me. No matter why your client said what he did, it’s clear that you, your client, and the Rasor Law Firm have gone out of your way to help get this story told. How would you feel if one day your name appeared across the internet connected to a story you knew absolutely nothing about. One day you come downstairs to the angry glare of your wife who asks if you really were arrested over the weekend for driving high on crystal meth with a bound and gagged hooker in your trunk. Did you? Because it’s all over the internet, some lawyer you’ve never met put it out in a press release! Must be true right? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t like that, and would at least appreciate it if the guy who made it up admitted that you never did those things.


Still, to be fair to Mr. Koncius, you can’t fault him for taking this dry, legal matter involving a company run by rapping clowns and trying to get it a little attention, through whatever means necessary. It’s just a shame that he had to impugn the good name of Kid Rock, who definitely doesn’t deserve to see it forcibly inserted, over and over again, like some bluntly applied object anyone can see right through.