in which Soundman Steven discovers a new interest, Junior does some work-shopping, we learn to make some amazing crafts, and Squid Squad, the Squad of Squids, “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

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Intro: What you are about to hear is what it sounds like when doves cry.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industrie corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we don’t make a lot of the products you buy, but we do make a lot of the products you buy Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Shareholders, it has been an interesting couple of weeks for me. We saw the triumphant return of Soundman Steven’s erection, our one-time unofficial mascot here at Kakos Industries. We rejoiced. We celebrated. We partied. But then, just as quickly as it arrived, it left us. While those of you who have visited the building are aware that there are certain sights and sounds around the building that can be overwhelming to the senses to the point that you lose control of your sexual reflexes, that is not what happened to Soundman. As the party wound on, and viewings were had, he gradually… softened. And that was that. The exciting news was that we knew he could be aroused again. The sad news was that it was no longer permanent. We did a little experimenting to see what we could do to bring about his excitement again. We brought him pleasures of the flesh. New audio equipment. Medications. But nothing brought about the desired result. That is until I encountered another would be assassin. I was with Soundman. A woman dressed all in black broke through the window, knocked me to the ground, and put a blade to my throat. She whispered in a language I don’t know shortly before she was liquefied by the protective nanobots in the air around us. When the dust settled, I noticed something important. Soundman Steven was erect again. I mean, so was I. I guess I like a lady who can take charge. You learn new things about yourself sometimes. But it became clear that Soundman Steven was previously aroused and aroused once again by my mortal danger. This created an interesting dilemma for the executive board. They at least appear to care about me some of the time, so my safety is of some concern. But Soundman Steven’s erection seems to increase productivity and Evil wherever it goes. So they care about it as well. So they hired Felix Moloch from the Division of Insurmountable Fear to bring me close to the brink of death without killing me at random moments throughout the last few weeks. You know, whenever they needed to edge Soundman a little more. I once fell through a trap door under my desk chair before being caught by a net sixten floors later. I ended up in one of the basements. Soundman seemed to enjoy it quite a bit. Productivity went up. Then there were all the clowns with chainsaws. Then the virus released in my office that they only cured when blood came out of my tear ducts. Then there was the fire. I was trapped. They put it out. And then there was the mugger. He wasn’t part of this experiment, but I thought he was, and I was in actual danger the whole time. I managed to scare him off with a bravado I would not have otherwise exhibited in that scenario. This taught the executive board an important lesson. They couldn’t continue to scare me like this. So they arrived at a new solution. They have provided Soundman Steven with a small handgun. Stop looking at me like that, Soundman. The light is blinking. Productivity is dipping. You have to point the gun at me again. I know you don’t like it, but you have to acknowledge how it makes you feel. Point the gun at me, Soundman. I’m not asking you to pull the trigger. Just point it at me. Not at my face for fuck’s sake. Just at my… I don’t know. Leg or something. There you go. And the blinking light has gone away. It’s okay to like power dynamics, Soundman. I’m playing along. I’m here for you. You can’t always choose what gets your blood pumping. And I accept you. Alright, you can put it down again. I trust you, Soundman.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a freshly cracked beer. Some of you may be thinking, hey, I don’t drink. I’m too young, or I don’t drink for moral or practical reasons. That’s fine. You won’t be drinking this beer. Just listening to the fizz inside as it turns into my voice and all of the sounds coming to you now. You might be thinking, hey, how is this in stereo. That’s a good question. The documentation I have in front of me seems to indicate that the bubbles are popping in just such a way as to spread the sound around you, bringing you high quality audio in both ears. Isn’t that amazing? This project is coming to us from a collaboration between the Division of Fizz and UltraDarkness Brewing company. UltraDarkness, for those of you who do drink, is known for its barrel aged sours, which are in fact ruining beer for everyone. They just taste like barrel. Oh, well, I’ll probably regret saying that in a couple of years anyway. It is Evil.

Junior: Corin, when are you going to acknowledge me. I’ve been very quiet.

Corin: I guess I’ll acknowledge you now.

Junior: I’ve come to ask you some questions.

Corin: You can talk to me pretty much any other time, why now?

Junior: These are urgent questions.

Corin: Fine.

Junior: I’ve received some comments on my podcast, Corin.

Corin: I see.

Junior: They fail to see the genius that I give them. They leave me one and two star ratings. They say mean things.

Corin: What did they say?

Junior: Dan H. says “I love Tacos, but Junior Hates This is the worst podcast I have heard since the invention of the medium.” Mary S. writes “Junior Hates This made me stop masturbating, and nothing makes me stop masturbating.” Will N. writes “I hate Junior Hates This as much as Junior hates things. If you’re such a genius, why didn’t I learn a damn thing?”

Corin: Those are pretty rough.

Junior: I think the problem is that I need more content. More paragraphs to fill the time up. Give people more of what they need. My genius.

Corin: Okay and how are you going to do that?

Junior: I think I want to start an advice segment.

Corin: Did anyone ask you for advice?

Junior: No, but I have advice to give.

Corin: I think someone needs to ask you for advice before-

Junior: Wait! I have an email. “Junior, I’m trying to decide if I should kill my boyfriend. He’s so annoying, and the intimacy has gotten stale.” Excellent question Ruth in Duluth. I do in fact have an opinion. If your boyfriend is nutritious, or a complete imbecile, the world would be a better place without him. I would recommend killing and eating immediately. Otherwise, perhaps it is just time to tell him about your kinks that are sure to send him running.

Corin: Shareholders, most of you are just not prepared to live with murder on your hands, so please do not follow this advice. Junior, maybe you should save this for your own program?

Junior: Very well.

Corin: Also, I think you should maybe try a segment that isn’t going to land you in such legal hot water.

Junior: I shall think.

Corin: Not here! Now with, you know.

Junior: I will refrain from pleasuring myself at this time, but I may only be thinking at 73% efficiency, which is still far more than anyone else on this worthless planet.

Corin: Cool.

The Festival of Anti-Celebration is now ongoing. Sometimes it’s useful to give yourself a break from celebrating to remind yourself to take it easy. Things can easily get too overwhelming otherwise.

We also just had Black Friday, that all important shopping holiday. To really make things exciting, we offered free guns to the first fifteen people making their way through the door of the gift shop here, but only if they already brought a gun, and were willing to drink an entire pot of coffee in front of us. Things got a little tense there. But like, in a fun way.

I have a special guest today, shareholders. Apart from the other guest, this one is special. I am joined today by Janeane Brynhild, from the Division of Witchcraft and Witchy Crafts.

Janeane: It’s great to be here, Corin. As you know, we’ve just launched our new website, Woop, which provides our customers with the finest alternative witchcraft and fun activities. Right now we’re having a nice holiday sale.

Corin: Tell me about some of the nice Yuletide gifts and crafts for our witchier shareholders out there.

Janeane: I am so glad you asked, Corin.

Corin: Well, I mean, you did write the line for me to read.

Janeane: I have with me today four amazing ideas from Woop for witches with too much money to help make the holidays even more Evil. The first – and you’re going to love it, Corin – it’s a concoction to curse the last man you were with before you decided to only date women. Lots of us witchy gals have been there and it’s important to get your revenge on the useless human that finally made you give up any hope for heteronormativity.

Corin: That sounds interesting.

Janeane: So I’ve got the final product here. As you can see it is a combination of a number of powerful herbs and spiritual catalysts.

Corin: Seeing as this is an audio only broadcast, I think you should probably describe what you have here.

Janeane: The first step is to bring water from the unholy river to a near boil. If you don’t have any, you can buy it on Woop for $27 per ounce. Then you need to write the name of the unworthy sack of shit on as many ancient bay leaves as possible. If you have a hard time keeping bay leaves long enough for them to become ancient because of all of the wishing you’re doing, then we have ancient ones for sale on Woop. Ten perfectly aged and manicured ancient bay leaves are only $33.50. Throw them in the water along with some of your blood or monthly moon shedding.

Corin: Oh, is that what that is. I’m going to stop you there. Let’s check out the next idea you’ve got.

Janeane: This is another great one. Sometimes you’re celebrating the full moon with your coven of bitchin’ witches when Griselda does that one fucking laugh you just can’t stand for the last time. It’s time to take that roast witch out of the coven. What I’ve got here is really great. It’s available on our Woop website. It’s an extraordinarily strong anti-parasite treatment that will totally cure toxoplasmosis. That witch will be feeling less witchy by morning. A steal at $3,500.

Corin: Ah. Because of cats.

Janeane: I can tell you’re not feeling it yet, Corin. Let’s try the next one. Let’s say your niece is always getting involved with the wrong guys. Well this bundle of herbs works wonders at repelling lovers with commitment issues.

Corin: How does that work? I mean, I know it doesn’t work, but how is it supposed to work?

Janeane: Corin, of course it works. It costs $500. And it’s calibrated perfectly for your star and rising signs. And the way it works is you put the small end inside of your vagina or preferred lower body orifice. Then you light the other end with a Woop pagan match. Allow it to cleanse your body of the bad mate attractants. Sometimes this can take a while, so it might be helpful to get a good wax in with your girlfriends just before for maximum burning time. Witchy wax available for 68.99.

Corin: I’m not sure you should burn anything down there. You know, in your body.

Janeane: It’s totally safe, and for just $500, it helps to seriously enhance your witch cred.

Corin: These have been some strange ideas. I mean, I know it’s just supposed to be fun, but I don’t want anyone setting their parts on fire. We need them to be able to have sex to do Evil after all.

Janeane: Okay, I’ve got just one more idea left. If you’ll permit me, Corin, I’d like to show you how to make baby oil.

Corin: Nope. That’s all for the selections from Woop, shareholders. You can check out their website for all of your favorite occult goodies, which are only marginally supported by us here at Kakos Industries.

Junior: Corin I have another idea. This strange woman gave me the idea. And half an erection.

Janeane: I’ve always wanted to make love to a demon.

Junior: I’m not a demon.

Janeane: Shhh. You’re the big demon that I summoned.

Junior: Silence, thirsty witch. I have ideas I need to share!

Janeane: You talk like a demon.

Junior: So the idea, Corin.

Corin: Let me just scratch out some of the news I was going to share here so we’ve got time to bore the shareholders with some of your ideas.

(pen scratching sound)

Junior: Product reviews.

Corin: What kind of products? There are just so many of those now.

Junior: How about the chair you’re sitting on.

Corin: It was very expensive. I’m curious to hear your take.

Junior: I FUCKING HATE IT.

Corin: I think you need another idea.

Junior: Very well.

This time last year we had the Nestival. It was voted on, and won a plurality of the votes. Many of you wanted to cuddle, I guess. That’s fair, I just feel like we can do that any time. The festivals should be an excuse to let loose and do fun stuff. Not just assemble bedding materials to maximize comfort. Anyway, we instituted some ranked choice voting this year, and the celebration we’ll be having is the Messtival. This means that we’ll need to create a space for all of you to make a huge mess in. Sounds easy enough. The cleanup will be the hard part. And I’m sure all of you will somehow make this sexual. Game on, shareholders.

Preparations are also being made for Yule. I am told that this year will feature sexier krampuses, I’m not really sure what to do with that information. I’m going to be dressed as a krampus. Do they mean me? Or the other ones? Maybe I should skip it this year.

Soundman, the efficiency of the company is dropping again. I assume our “friend” is beginning to droop.You know what you have to do. Not the face, Soundman. Point it anywhere else. There you go. Efficiency is coming back, Soundman. It’s okay to want revenge. Even against me. You need to become more comfortable with these emotions. I know you won’t pull the trigger. Okay. You can put it away again. Was that a sneeze, Soundman? A perfectly silent sneeze. Imagine that.

Kimzzzzzzzzzzz has made another decree. This is becoming quite expensive to manage. It may be less expensive soon to kill her. I’m personally not looking forward to that, but I am getting tired of all of these rules. At any rate, she has decreed that it is profoundly unsexy to have muscle tone. Some of us are now substantially sexier. Others of us are considerably less sexy. We shall see what the price of removing this decree is this time.

I was enjoying an after work beverage at the pub on the second-ish floor as I sometimes do. Employees know this. They give me my space. It works out. A striking woman sat down beside me and struck up a conversation. It was really nice. The way she spoke to me told me she had no idea who I was, and I wasn’t about to ruin the conversation by telling her. She was new to the building but very excited to be working with us. She had an energy about her that was so charming. I was excited to have made a new friend, and in the days and weeks to come, perhaps something more. Then she said that her friend Tabitha had gotten her the job. The hair on my neck stood up. I asked her for her name. She said, “that’s the funny thing. My name is also Tabitha.” She asked me for my name in that way that told me she would be asking for my phone number next. I didn’t answer. I just finished my drink, paid our tab, and left.

To provide their research with greater direction, Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen have asked the question “What is most sex?” I should clarify. They’re not asking what most sex is. They’re asking of all the sex, which sex is the most “sex”. I admit it’s a fascinating question. It makes me wonder if I’ve ever had the most sex of sex. Is that something I want? And what happens if you have it? So far, they’ve had an endless string of employee and shareholder volunteers going through their laboratories. We have all heard noises. I went down to check on their work, and I found a line of people waiting impatiently, and Dr. Dunkelwissen obsessively pouring over page after page of hardcore pronography. Jasmine caught my attention and indicated that I didn’t want to interrupt him. From what I can tell, the answer to this question is a long way off.

The drones in Hell have spotted Meredith Gorgoro several times, but often the video feed is interrupted. It would appear that she has started destroying the drones to harvest their electrical components. This is frustrating, but we have a whole lot of drones, so I guess we’ll just keep sending them. I’m afraid… I’m afraid she’s gone feral. We didn’t anticipate losing a physical fitness and physics expert in exchange for a savage monster hunter, but I think that may be what has happened here.

The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has opened a lake. We’re all still trying to wrap our minds around it, but the lake was closed, and now it’s open. There’s like a cave there now. They’re taking a peek, but most of us are less concerned with that than how a fucking lake swung open. That missile is still MIA, BTW.

Junior: Corin, I have another idea.

Corin: Go ahead.

Junior: Social experiments.

Corin: No.

Junior: That’s a shame. Well, anyway, these ideas have been brought to you by FuckBed, the only bed company that has specially tuned their mattresses for vigorous sexual activity.

Corin: Don’t you dare advertise in my announcements. Without my permission anyway.

Junior: Very well.

They say that Evil used to pluck butterflies out of the air, and it used one wing from each to create a mural of human suffering. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for that box of possessions you’ve still got in storage somewhere that should probably just go in the trash, the garments you have in your closet you can’t seem to get rid of even though you don’t wear them anymore, and attachments of all kinds to the physical world. If you happen to disagree that we are responsible for these things, prepare to become suddenly unattached to the physical world.

Squid Squad, the Squad of Squids has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of the Squad of Squids’ nemesis will be ruined. I think they’re like a hive mind or something. Or just a handful of strange individuals. Anyway, their nemesis this time is Niche Peters. We gave the Wheel of Misery a stiff spin, and it landed on the space for Unidimensional. As a result, Niche Peters will now be even more niche, to the extent that Niche Peters will only have one interest at a time, and it will be all consuming. I am told that current interest is going to be classic Batman comic books. For Evil measure, Squid Squad, the Squad of Squids will be 22% more multidimensional, which will also be detrimental. Having too many interests can be just as bad as too few, although the conversations will be better. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

This brings us to the end of the announcements, shareholders. The numbers will be up next. Soundman, efficiency is going down again. I know you’re getting tired. We all make sacrifices for Evil. There you go. Just keep that gun pointed at me. Just like that. Well, point it away from me if you’re going to sneeze. I said away, not there.

(Gunshot)

Junior: Corin? Corin? There’s no time for guilt, Soundman, get help. Don’t worry! I’ll handle the numbers! And apply pressure to the wound. 72. Hang on you bastard. 88. Your frail human form is stupid and I hate it. 3. That’s a great number. Hang on for more numbers like it! 22. Fuck you don’t die! 2. 2. 4. There’s blood, shareholders. A lot of blood. 16. There, I can see help outside the door. We just need to end the broadcast so it lets them in. 4. Hang on!

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the coolest one in the fist fight. Special guest appearance in this episode by Kitty McCauley. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, and Jack Attack. Also thanks to honored employee Dorkpool Dorkuss, who beat the final level in the video game long after everyone else got bored just to give us all a sense of closure. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Valerie Koop, Director of the Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, J.K. Runnings, Director of The Division of Darker Sound, Kevin Powers, the Director of The Division of Boring Dystopias, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, And Lady Squidney, Director of the Division of Cephalopod Psychology. Got it right on the first try. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has returned from the vent with the Ultra Yarn in Dayglo Yellow. We took it away for a reason, but perhaps they have an even better reason for retrieving it. The Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public has introduced Wet T-Shirt Water Balloon Fight. From a distance, it looks like great fun, but up close, it seems like you’ve intruded on a private moment. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has now removed all life from several of the Kakos Industries ponds, making it impossible to find any micro-cryptids. And yet, they claim to have found angry living water. We’re looking forward to the explanation. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping good depictions of mental health and horror video games. We all know this one isn’t going to work out, but it might be hot to see them try it. The Division of Unanswered Messages has ignored that blown kiss for three weeks now, making it awkward for everyone. At this point, even a lecture on appropriate coworker conduct would be better than the silence. The Division of Darker Sound has buried a microphone under ten thousand tons of asphalt to do some re-amping. The results so far are heavy, if not a little sludgy. The Division of Boring Dystopias has started offering a gift card when items are returned to the store. It’s better than nothing, but not better than cash.The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying has given up on cooking animal parts into potions. Instead, they are now attempting to discover a magical language hidden deep in our subconscious minds. So far it just sounds like fucking gibberish to me. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has retrieved the eight track recordings of dark chants intended to induce trances. The fidelity leaves something to be desired, but at least it plays on repeat without having to do anything. The Division of Cephalopod Psychology has finally thought to ask the exectopuses how they feel. So far, they’ve only responded with indignation, but it looks like the division might be onto something. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try learning old-fashioned dance moves to keep your mind occupied.