THE INCREDIBLE ROCKINESS OF A WINNING ROCK

Tom the rock sat in the same spot in the middle of Ponyville park as he always did. It was a place where many paths converged and ponies gathered to talk and play. If one were so inclined one could rest there all day and enjoy watching ponies going about their lives.

Tom was not so inclined. It wasn’t because he disliked the ponies of the town, far from it. It was because he was a rock and had no thought process and consequently no opinion about anything. But there he sat, day in and day out as life went on around him.

Two ponies were coming down one of the paths now. Rainbow Dash, the captain of the local weather team, and her filly friend Pinkie Pie, a baker from Sugar Cube Corner. Tom was not so impolite as to try to listen in on their conversation since as a rock he had no moral standing or capacity to be rude or polite, but their voices carried over to him anyway.

“Pinkie? Do you ever think that I’m, well, a bit weird? Or messed up somehow?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, Dashie! Nopey, dopey, lopey, antelopey, Hopi, cantelopey, tropey, soap-on-a-ropey stethoscopey! By which I mean yes, all the time,” said Pinkie.

“What? How can you say that to me?”

“Because it’s true! You have more issues than the entire back catalogue of the Foal Free Press and you’re basically dating one of your mothers. Plus your other mom is so much like one of your best friends that Applejack told me she’s gonna try to get her and Rarity in the sack together for something she says is ‘her biggest fantasy ever’ so I assume they’re going to all snuggle under the blankets and read the Wheel of Time books because they're really big. Or maybe they’re just going to have a three way, if they’re feeling boring. Applejack said that to get Rarity on board with the idea she was gonna try to appeal to her nark-iccissm or something which is weird because narcs are not-very-nice ponies who are always asking me if I put ‘special ingredients’ in my baking and I tell them yes because I always put lots of love and friendship and jalapeno into the stuff that I cook. Anyway that’s why the police raided Sugarcube Corner yesterday and sent all our sugar to a lab for testing and now I have the whole day off to tell my weird and awesome mare friend how great she is!”

Rainbow Dash had zoned out when Pinkie started to talk about Applejack, but started paying attention again at the word ‘awesome’ since it meant that the conversation had turned back to her favorite subject: herself. “You really think so?”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Uh huh! I love how weird you are!”

Rainbow Dash blushed. “I love... how weird you are too Pinkie. Thanks. Now enough mushy stuff. I’ve been training to fly faster by constantly escaping from the consequences of my actions, and I bet I’m ready to set a new airspeed record by now!”

She took off and Pinkie Pie ran after her to find a spot up on the nearby hill to watch Rainbow Dash's attempt from.

Tom was left alone again for a while. He didn’t especially prefer being alone, since as a rock he couldn’t be said to have preferences no matter how much some ponies tried to anthropomorphise him. A few minutes later Cloud Kicker and Dinky came walking down another path on their way home from Dinky’s day at school. As they came closer to the center of the park Dinky stumbled and fell on a loose stone. She hit the ground with a yelp of surprise and scraped her front left knee. Her eyes welled up with tears of pain as she sat up and held her trembling leg up for Cloud Kicker to see.

“Oh no, Dinky don’t cry! It’s just a scrape,” said Cloud Kicker, worried about the consequences of bringing Derpy’s daughter home to her mother injured, no matter how slightly.

Dinky sniffled but pulled herself together somewhat and only whimpered. “OK, Cloud Kicker. I’ll try to be a brave and strong pony, just like you.” A passing pony made the mistake of looking directly at the display of cuteness and fell dead on the spot as his pancreas exploded.

Dinky held up her hurt knee. “Will you kiss the boo boo and make it all better?” A nearby fluffy kitten, which had become hopelessly tangled in yarn while roughhousing with an eight-week-old golden retriever puppy, shared a look with her playmate as the two silently agreed that the foal’s display of cuteness was a little over the top.

It was only years of constant training and a slow buildup of tolerance that saved Cloud Kicker’s life. “Dinky, does it ever bother you that ninety percent of what you do is emotionally manipulative fanservice?” asked Cloud Kicker.

Dinky looked up at Cloud Kicker, her eyes full of wonder and foalhood innocence. “Screw you. I’m adorable, bitch.”

Tom couldn’t disagree. Not because he particularly cared about the display but rather because, and I really cannot overemphasize this, he was a rock.

The presence of an injured living creature caused Fluttershy to spontaneously appear in the middle of the park. She stepped over the corpse of the pony that had just been killed by acute cute poisoning and galloped over to Dinky and Cloud Kicker. “I got here as quickly as I could! Is anypony hurt?” she asked.

“It’s fine, Weepyshy. Dinky just fell and scraped her knee a little, see?” said Cloud Kicker, holding up Dinky’s foreleg. It wasn’t even bleeding. Fluttershy stumbled back and gasped.

“It’s... it’s all my fault,” said Fluttershy.

“She slipped on some loose gravel, that’s all.”

“But don't you see? I must have said something to somepony, who repeated it to another pony, who repeated it to another pony as they were walking down this path. The change in their gait from carrying on the conversation while they walked must have caused the gravel to lay differently, and then Dinky tripped on it. I call it the Fluttershy Effect," said Fluttershy.

"Even if that's true, which I doubt, that still doesn't make it your fault. And she's barely even hurt," pointed out Cloud Kicker.

Fluttershy didn't seem to hear her. "Oh no, what if my coming to the park disturbed the blades of grass, and sometime next month somepony slips and falls on it? They could get stains in their coat! I have to get back to my cottage! Everything bad that ever happens is SOMEHOW MY FAULT!" she cried, and burst into tears as she flew off in the direction of her home.

Cloud Kicker rubbed her temples as she felt a headache coming on. She was interrupted by Dinky’s voice. “Hey, my friends are here.”

Cloud Kicker looked over at the trio of young fillies from Dinky’s class. Scootaloo waved from across the park. Dinky happily trotted over to them with Cloud Kicker in tow. “Hi girls, are you crusading today?”

Applebloom nodded. “Uh huh! We’re gonna see if we can get our cuties marks in killin’ a runnin’ gag by repeatin’ it over and over and over again until it isn’t funny any more,” she said.

“So pretty much the same thing we do every day,” said Sweetie Belle. “Do you wanna come with us?”

“Can I Cloud Kicker? Can I go crusading this afternoon?” asked Dinky, bouncing in place with excitement.

“Sure, just be back home by dinner.”

“Let’s go girls,” said Dinky. “Cutie Mark Crusader Dead Horse Beaters, GO!” The four shouted in unison before running off. Right before they disappeared over the nearby hill Cloud Kicker caught a snippet of Sweetie Belle’s voice.

“Wouldn’t that be a really morbid picture for a cutie mark, though?”

“Hey,” said Scootaloo, “we agreed we’re not gonna be Cutie Mark Crusader Foresight Havers until next week.”

Cloud Kicker heard a new pony come up behind her. “I saw Fluttershy crying on my way in here. Did a squirrel sneeze or something?”

Cloud Kicker turned to the pegasus. “Hi Blossomforth. Dinky just got a little scrape. She’s fine though, she’s off playing with the crusaders now.”

Blossomforth raised an eyebrow. “Oh, I get it. Ditch the foals so you and Derpy have some ‘alone time,’ right? Reading you loud and clear you dirty, dirty mare.”

“Derpy’s at work. I was actually going to go food shopping now,” said Cloud Kicker.

“Oh I hear you. ‘Food shopping,’ right. Somewhere you can go to get something to eat. Come on Cloud Kicker, I’m not that naive,” said Blossomforth.

“No, really, we’re out of peanut butter. I’m going to an actual store, where they sell food. That’s it,” said Cloud Kicker.

“Ooh... I bet you’d just love to take that peanut butter and let somepony eat it off of your-”

“Sandwiches! It’s for sandwiches!”

Blossomforth blushed. “Geez Cloud Kicker, I don’t want to hear about how many ponies you’re planning to get with while you’re there, or what position you’re going to bang in. Honestly, your mind is so dirty sometimes I can’t even talk to you.”

“Are you serious, Blossom?”

Blossomforth gasped. “Wait, are you asking me to join you now?”

“No! There is absolutely no double meaning to this sentence,” said Cloud Kicker.

“Yeah, I bet you’d like to ‘double my meaning,’ perv.”

Cloud Kicker sighed and turned to a unicorn who had been reading on a nearby park bench throughout this entire exchange. Right now she was staring straight down at the pages of her spellbook, blushing furiously.

“Twilight, back me up here, will you?”

“Of course I haven’t been thinking about licking peanutbutter off of Blossomforth while I wear a nurse’s uniform,” said Twilight.

“See?” asked Blossomforth, “you’re the only one here with such dirty thoughts Cloud Kicker. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Are you two listening to what you’re saying? Twilight, Blossom is just hearing innuendo where there isn’t any. Blossom, Twilight is clearly attracted to you but won’t act on it because of her mother issues,” said Cloud Kicker.

“I don’t have any mother issues,” said Twilight.

“Twilight, this is the Winningverse. Of course you do,” said Cloud Kicker.

Blossomforth smiled and waved. “I’m an orphan!”

Twilight’s mouth worked a few times without any sound coming out until she just gave up on whatever she’d planned to say. “You know what? Rut it all. Cloud Kicker’s right, Blossom. I want to drag you up to my bedroom and make you call me mommy for the rest of the afternoon, OK? There, I said it.”

Cloud Kicker’s mouth dropped open in shock but Blossomforth just looked confused. “Twilight, just because I was an orphan doesn’t mean you can legally adopt me like that. I’m an adult mare. It’s sweet of you to offer though.”

Twilight stared at Blossomforth, who looked back at her. There was no flirtiness or guile in that look, just friendly confusion.

“Let me try this again... Blossom. I want you. I’ve been obsessing over you for weeks and I want to act on it. I want to just bend you over a table and go at you,” said Twilight.

“I didn’t know you were a licensed physical therapist on top of being the Princess’ student. You’re a very accomplished pony, Twilight Sparkle,” said Blossomforth.

Twilight looked over at Cloud Kicker, who instantly decided she did not want to get involved. “OK, one more time...” began Twilight. She blushed and closed her eyes. “...You know what, Blossom? I’ll whisper it to you. I want to spell this out as clearly as I can,” said Twilight. She leaned in and whispered something into Blossomforth’s ear. When she was done Blossomforth still looked confused.

“What are you talking about, Twilight? I only speak common Equestrian. I’m not any kind of cunning liguist.”

Twilight screamed in frustration. When she recovered some of her senses she glared at Blossomforth and her eye twitched. “You know what? You’ll figure it out,” said Twilight. She wrapped Blossomforth in her magic and lifted her off the ground, leaving the mare floating upside down as Twilight began to walk back towards her library. Blossomforth waved back at Cloud Kicker. “See you later Cloud Kicker! I think Twilight’s going to teach me a new language, doesn’t that sound neat?”

Cloud Kicker didn’t know what she could say to that so she just waved back until the two were out of sight. Before she could continue on her way to the food store, she saw her marefriend Derpy Hooves flying overhead sluggishly flapping her wings as she hauled her bag of deliveries from place to place. Cloud Kicker couldn't help but admire her; after her health had taken a sudden turn for the worse Cloud Kicker would have thought she would stay in the hospital. Instead Derpy stuck with her regular mail route, trying to earn enough bits to support her girls and turning down all the offers of help from other concerned ponies.

"Hi Derpy," Cloud Kicker called up and waved a hoof to draw her eye. Derpy looked down and Cloud Kicker thought she saw a smile appear on her face, despite the dark bags under her eyes. She began to slowly circle over the park and glide down to ground level rather than try to drop more quickly. Her strength had been fading lately and she was doing whatever she could to conserve it. Derpy tried to land next to Cloud Kicker, but carried too much speed from her glide. She tripped over her own hooves and tumbled forward until she smacked face first into Tom. Tom would have apologized except, you know, the rock thing.

Fortunately Derpy was a very resilient mare, even while she was sick. She rose to her hooves, perhaps somewhat more slowly than she normally would. Her illness may have sapped some of her strength, but it hadn't done a thing to her boundless determination or optimism. She strode over to Cloud Kicker like nothing had happened and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Hi Cloud Kicker," she said and then looked around. As she did so her smile fell from her face. "Where's Dinky? Weren't you going to pick her up from school?"

"I did. We ran into the Crusaders on the way home and she went off to play with them. I told her to be back before we sit down to eat," said Cloud Kicker.

"That's good, I need to talk to you about something and now we don't have to wait until she goes to bed. I got the test results back from the doctor this morning and... I have cancer."

Cloud Kicker sighed. "What, again? How many different kinds of cancer can one pony even have?" she asked.

"I think this makes forty-seven," replied Derpy, "the doctors say they've never seen anything like it. It's as if some higher power gets some kind of sick pleasure from watching me wither away in the most tragic fashion possible."

"Don't be ridiculous, Derpy. Nopony would ever do such a thing," said Cloud Kicker.

"I know, it's crazy to even suggest," said Derpy.

"Don't worry. You'll beat this, even all forty-seven forms of cancer can't make you any less beautiful," said Cloud Kicker.

"I wish I had your confidence. The oncologist said it was in stage five."

"I thought the stages only went from zero to four," said Cloud Kicker. Since Derpy had first been diagnosed, Cloud Kicker had been reading anything about the diseases that she could lay her hooves on.

"They did. I'm so sick that they made up a brand new stage just to describe it," said Derpy with a frown. She ran a hoof through her mane self consciously and several thick strands of hair fell to the ground as she did so. Both ponies looked down at the hair unsure of how to deal with the obvious sign of Derpy's ongoing deterioration.

"Is that a side effect of the treatment?" asked Cloud Kicker, not sure of what else she could say.

"No. The new cancer they found is mane cancer. It was the only place left that didn't have tumors, until now," said Derpy. That brought the awkward silence back down over them. Well, them and Tom, but not being an organic life form the concept of "awkwardness" wasn't something he really concerned himself with.

"At least it hasn't kept you from getting out and about between appointments. You might be sick, but no disease can take the sky away from you," said Cloud Kicker and patted Derpy on the back.

Derpy's wings fell off.

She sighed. "Dang wing cancer," she muttered.

Cloud Kicker looked down at where the wings lay on the ground, broken cleanly off of Derpy's side. One of them twitched a little. "OK, so you're too sick to fly," she said, wracking her brain trying to find something to say that would lift Derpy's spirits. "the important thing is that you still have ponies who love you, and a great big heart."

As Cloud Kicker finished saying it, Derpy fell to the ground clutching her chest. "My heart cancer! Why did you... have to remind me?" she broke into a pitiable hacking cough. Sensing their cue, the Dramatically Appropriate Setting Division of the Ponyville weather team swooped in with ominous thunderclouds that blotted out the sun as Derpy's groans grew worse. "I think... I think this is it, Cloud Kicker. Please, my girls... promise you'll take care of them. They're the most important thing in the world to me. I'm OK with this as long as... as long as they'll still have a family."

Cloud Kicker's mind raced as Derpy's condition deteriorated right in front of her. How could this be happening so quickly? "Derpy, hang on. We'll get you to the hospital. Just hang on," she said.

"Promise... me..."

"Of course Derpy. Of course I'll take care of them," said Cloud Kicker. Tears started to flow from her eyes while Tom stood there unmoving and stony-faced (minus the face part). Derpy's eyes fluttered and closed for the final time while the pegasi above kicked at the stormclouds, starting a downpour just as she passed. The two stallions hoof bumped in celebration of a job well done, ignoring Cloud Kicker's glare from below. "Oh, Derpy. I'm going to miss you so much."

That was when the thunderclouds burst into wisps and the sunlight broke over the two mares on the ground as Princess Celestia herself descended from the heavens. "My little ponies," she said to the shocked Cloud Kicker. Tom was not shocked, as he was an exceptionally well-grounded individual. "Derpy Hooves was a good mare, taken from us too soon. While I am usually loath to interfere in the cycle of life and death, in this case I will make an exception." Celestia lowered her horn and touched it to Derpy's chest. Her eyes flew open and she gasped as life returned to her body.

"Derpy! You're alive!" exclaimed Cloud Kicker. Derpy looked up at Celestia and Cloud Kicker leaning over her as she came to terms with what had just happened.

"I am?" she asked. She patted all along her body with her hooves. "My cancer! It's gone!" she said. She leapt up to her hooves, breathing deeply and savoring the flavor of the air as if smelling it for the first time. Derpy leapt into the air on restored wings, riding her wave of post-revival euphoria. She zipped over to a nearby cloud. "Hello, cloud. Aren't you fluffy? Who's a fluffy cloud? Who's a fluffy cloud?"

Cloud Kicker and Celestia watched her from the ground. "Thank you Princess. I didn't even know you could bring ponies back from the dead," said Cloud Kicker.

"As I said, it's something I do only very rarely," said Celestia as she watched Derpy fly down to the ground and begin to extol the virtues of a dandelion. The rush of being brought back to life had suppressed her inhabitions, and maybe a bit of her common sense too. "While it's true that with my power I could end almost all suffering, death, and pain in Equestria, the consequences of doing so would be even worse. Ponies would grow complacent, and society would stagnate. Without any devils there'd never be any devil's food cake, as it were," said Celestia with a chuckle.

"Or they'd just name the cake something else," said Cloud Kicker.

She hadn't really meant anything by it, but Celestia furrowed her brow. "Hmm. You know, I never thought of that."

In the meantime, Derpy had moved on from the flower. "Cloud Kicker, Princess, look at these tracks! What kind of tracks do you think they are? Bear tracks? Maybe deer tracks?" she asked.

Cloud Kicker was too wrapped up in her conversation to come over and look. "The cake thing was just an example though, right? You don't allow suffering to exist just to make sure we'd invent cakes," she said with a laugh. The laugh faded away when Celestia didn't reply for several seconds.

"In my defense, devil's food cake is rather delicious," said Celestia.

"Maybe antelope," continued Derpy unaware of the conversation going on nearby. "No, antelope don't live around here. Maybe elephants?" She was still trying to guess what kind of tracks they were when the train hit her.

Cloud Kicker gaped as Derpy's body was thrown by the impact. Even though she had seen Derpy die once already, seeing it happen again from a slightly different perspective was exactly as heartrendingly painful as before. One might think that she would have been at least a little desensitized to it, but no.

Celestia sighed. "Tell you what; I'll bring her back again if you pretend I said something enigmatic about destiny and maintaining the balance between life and death."

"Deal," replied Cloud Kicker. She spit on her hoof and held it up without really thinking about it, and was shocked when Celestia smiled and returned the gesture spit and all. She walked over to Derpy's body and her horn lit up up again.

Derpy sat up, once again restored to good health. "Oh! They were train tracks!" she said. "Thanks again Princess! I was really worried that if I died I wouldn't be able to finish my deliveries. Plus, this one shady-looking pony in a trench coat said if I wanted to make some extra bits I could come do some stuff for him at the glue factory this afternoon. Bye Cloud Kicker, see you at dinner," she said as she collected her delivery bag and took off once again.

Cloud Kicker looked askance at Celestia, who sighed and muttered something about it being a long day before she took off after the mailmare. Just another typical afternoon in Ponyville. Cloud Kicker leaned up against the nearby rock. “I tell you Tom, we’re the only sane ponies in this town,” she said. If Tom could have heard and replied to that comment he might have pointed out that talking to a rock is not necessarily the surest sign of being sane yourself. However, if that had been the case the very fact that he could reply at all would legitimize Cloud Kicker’s decision to speak to him. It was a bit of a Catch-22 the way it stood now. Tom might have appreciated that if he were a bit more well read, or if he weren’t a rock. “I’m a little surprised, though. I would have thought for sure that a fic like this would have made fun of how I talk too. Other than whatever Blossom thought she heard, I didn't say a single suggestive thing. I figured the writer would have given me at least one but I guess I got off easy.”

She really should have known better than to directly tempt fate like that. The challenge had been issued, and the gauntlet thrown.

“...that’s what she said.”