Alright US Airways, I think we’re done here. I tried to be reasonable, but in the end, it’s probably best if we decide to forever part ways. Not as friends, mind you, but with a great deal of animosity on my part. It’s the kind of hard feelings that would make me pipe up in a crowd of strangers when someone mentions you and say, â€œOh, US Airways is bullshit,â€ or something equally eloquent. I really haven’t thought it out yet.

Flight #1: Maintenance Issues, and Customer Service Nightmares

On first glance you seemed decent enough. The plane loaded on time and although you were hardly glamorous, I was willing to give you some strong points for punctuality…kind of like rewarding the homely for having a good sense of humor. Sadly, those bonus points didn’t last when a “routine engine check” turned into an oil leak and would require, according to the pilot, “at least two hours” to fix. It appeared things were getting off to a rocky start.

Alright, we’ll count this as strike one. These things happen. Sometimes maintenance issues pop up and it’s probably better to be safe than sorry. I’m willing to concede I’d be even more pissed off if you’d let me fall from the sky to a bloody death, so I suppose we’ll call the inconvenience what it was…just an inconvenience.

You actually worked pretty hard to figure out a solution for the twenty or so of us international travelers who were now going to miss our connections. It took about an hour, but in the end you succeeded in finding a flight that would get to Stockholm just two hours after originally intended. Not too bad, all things considered. I was ready to give you a big hug and say well done.

Unfortunately, this is where all the fun started. After checking in with the new flight you’d assigned us, and confirming we were in fact provided with seat assignments, we were rounded up by a US Airways representative who told us we were not going to be allowed on the flight. Three hours had passed from the initial deboarding, and the only progress we’d made was that we were being taken back to the original gate and removed from the flight we were already â€œconfirmedâ€ on. I’m only putting confirmed in quotes because I don’t think the two of us define it in quite the same way. Strike 2. What the hell, US Airways? Why you gotta screw with me like this?

After a couple more hours of sitting around waiting, we were finally given a new flight assignment that routed us through Copenhagen on SAS and got us to our destination about 8 hours after our original flight would have arrived. We were still arriving on the same day and arguably you did the best you could, so let’s call this a foul ball and keep you at two strikes….

The Return Flight Part 1: More Customer Service Nightmares and Awkward In-Flight Handjobs

Now it was time for the return flight, and I was anxious to see if I would finally end up flying with you after all. As per usual, I went online 24 hours before the departure to check in and print out my boarding pass, only to be greeted with an error message. Great. Nothing else has been convenient so far, so why start now? The message said that there was an inconsistency in my ticket info and I should clear it up at the check-in gate. Great, this sounds like a “quick” fix…

22 hours later, I found myself standing at the check-in counter and being told that the computer is giving some weird error that was preventing the employee from checking me in. What “weird error”? Why? I’ve had this flight booked for the past four months. Nothing has changed. How do you eff this up? It took approximately an hour and twenty minutes to get checked in, only to have the printer run out of paper and my boarding pass get stuck. Dear God. By the time the error got cleared and the printer restocked, I had roughly 5 minutes to get through security and make it to my gate. Your helpful advice: â€œWhat I recommend you do at this point is run.â€ Thanks. I was just going to meander through some of the shops and pick out a few souvenirs first.

Somehow I managed to make it just in time and boarded the plane a sweaty disgusting mess of tense nerves and inner rage. You know what? I’m counting this as strike three. You’re out before I’ve ever even flown on one of your goddamn planes. Disappointingly, I did still need to get home, so off we went in one of your shitty little tin cans.

Now, this part isn’t really your fault, but I’m pretty much considering it the swirly turd sundae to go along with the shit sandwich you’d already been serving up. The couple next to me on the flight was all over each other: kissing, fondling, caressing, and at one point I saw some blanket on lap action with rapid arm movements. This sort of thing is good for no one. To make matters worse, the guy looked like Harvey Weinstein and the girl was probably about 30 years younger than him. Not that I’m a big fan of being a captive audience to anyone’s mid-flight handskie, but seeing a couple like this makes you worry the complimentary pretzels might come right back up. Gross. After nine hours of being horribly uncomfortable and wavering back and forth between sneaking peeks and trying to ignore the daddy issues nightmare going on directly to my right, we finally landed back in the US.

Of course, right before we landed, your overweight, greasy haired, missing-a-tooth troll of a stewardess refused to give me a customs card, saying, â€œWe already came through and passed them out.â€ When I pointed out that our row had been neglected, she said I could grab one at customs and then loudly muttered, â€œWe only came through the cabin like five timesâ€ while walking away. First of all, not true. And secondly, I’m totally okay with talking shit about customers behind their back. It’s pretty much all that makes customer service jobs manageable sometimes. Still, at least wait until the customer is out of ear shot. Otherwise it’s just plain rude. But…maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt since she could have been blinded by what was going on in the seats next to me and just proceeded to walk on by. All â€œfiveâ€ times.

Return Flight Part 2: Broken Toilets and Bonus Landings

Upon landing in Philadelphia and going through customs, I assumed the worst was over. Boy, was I wrong. The flight took off without incident and I honestly thought I was finally going to be getting a pleasantly uneventful experience. However, about two hours into the flight someone came over the intercom to announce the toilets were clogged and to â€œplease refrain from using them until further notice.â€

No one seemed particularly happy about this announcement, but seeing as how I didn’t really need to use the bathroom anyway, I pretty much ignored it and continued working away on my laptop. After another half hour and some various tests that involved resetting all the lights over and over again, another announcement was made that we were going to be landing in Denver so a maintenance crew could pump out the shitters.

The plane erupted in a series of boos, and a couple people were shouting that we should take a vote and continue directly onto Seattle, restroom or no. However, one of your stewardesses quickly put that idea to rest when another announcement was made saying FAA regulations required us to land as soon as possible. So, it was off to Denver for an hour and a half delay along with some more time sitting next to a man I affectionately dubbed Snoring Hitler, mostly because he looked like Hitler and started snoring pretty much as soon as we boarded the plane. Again, I know this part isn’t really your fault, but regardless, it sure didn’t help.

After the bathrooms were finally fixed, we departed Denver and were greeted with another announcement requesting everyone take great care not to throw anything in the toilet. Apparently the blame was being placed on the passengers for the initial technical difficulty. From sharing stories with people in my immediate vicinity, it sounded as if this sort of technical difficulty isn’t unusual on US Airways flights. One woman reported her flight to Philadelphia had been without running water, and another woman said her flight to Germany earlier in the week had included a broken video system that needed to be reset every 20 minutes and prevented the passengers from watching any in-flight entertainment. It kind of made me wonder what sort of other maintenance issues your planes have. Are you deliberately cutting corners or just inept?

We did finally make it into Seattle, so at least you got all of us there safely. However, you have instantly shot your way to the top of my Do Not Fly list. Congratulations, you were absolutely horrible in pretty much every possible way.

Fool Me Once, Shame on You

Anyway, US Airways, what I’m trying to say is â€œfuck you.â€ You provided a piss poor experience every step of the way. The only pleasant part of my journey was when you had to put me on an SAS flight because your plane was sitting on the runway being fixed. So, I guess I should at least give you partial credit for turning me onto yet another foreign airline that actually gets it right. As far as our relationship goes, we’re done. Not only did you strike out, you didn’t really even seem to care.

Disclaimer

This article was submitted by one of our readers. Penciltrick cannot make any claims as to its authenticity but the article was accepted on a good faith belief that it is an accurate and truthful account of the events listed.