I have trouble making eye contact.



It’s one of the many ticks in my personality

that will ultimately lead me to dying alone some day





My mother used to slap me if I didn’t look her in the eye when we’d talk

But that only made the anxiety stronger

so she just kept slapping me.





Roommates accuse me of stealing from them

My babysitters used to accuse me of lying

Because to them, being able to look into each other’s viewpoints was a sign that I was trustworthy





The ex of three exes ago

told me he didn’t want to feel

like his boyfriend was afraid of him





The ex of two exes ago told me when we were breaking up

that he was leaving because I couldn’t fulfil what he called a “primal need”

to have me look him in the eyes.





But with you

I could look you in the eyes all damn day





The way the sun flickered into your big black irises

like water gracefully churning in a pool so deep

I was always afraid I’d fall in.





and when the light hit them just right

I could just barely see these little flecks of golden brown

Like bashful little fishes afraid of the sun





I’d take every opportunity I could

just to catch a glimpse of them

swimming just below the surface





You used to tell me how you thought your eyes were too small

But all I can remember is how small they would make me feel.





Sometimes we would lie face to face

nose to nose and I would just stare



completely unafraid of the pupils that could make my knees weak





of the little dots that could make my heart stop

make my ears ring

make me so unsure and yet so sure with just one glance





I can’t look at my co-workers

best friends,

my own father in the eyes





But I could look in yours.

And never look away





I used to say that

“you didn’t need lips”

because your eyes would always do the smiling





and now when I close mine all I can feel is this imprint

from the feeling I used to get when your eyes would get wide

and you would moan into my ear





and your nostrils would flare up

and your mouth would clinch at the sides

but your eyes would stay wide open





when other people stare it makes me to jump out of my own skin

but your stare only ever served to make me feel safe.





You try your hardest

to never wear your glasses

but I love it when you wear them





because they would rest on your face

like a magnifying glass

And I wanted to see every single detail.





When you weren’t paying attention sometimes I would just count your eyelashes

like little bristles on a paintbrush resting gently on your cheeks and below your eyelids

every time you blinked was a stroke of beauty





you painted a starry night, a sistine chapel, a perfect piece of art

with every awkward glance, or idle look

you made me wonder what it must be like to see with perfect vision





Because the way your eyes made me feel

I couldn’t imagine anything you saw was anything but absolute perfection





I never believed you when you said you needed contacts

Because to me you were like Clark Kent



Your glasses were just a costume that you’d sometimes use to try and hide your face





But I could always see who you were

and you always just saw me

I never used to think it was possible that you were slowly going blind





Not until the day that

you told me that you couldn’t see a future for us





I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing



I kept looking in your eyes to find an explanation



But all I saw were my own looking back at me and so I had to look away







And you told me that you still loved me

But you weren’t looking me in the eyes



when you told me that “maybe we should just go back to being friends”





You used to tell me how you thought your eyes were too small

But all I can remember is how small they made me feel.





And now you come over to my place

like a ghost I think will never leave but also I don’t really want it to

as you try to pick up the pieces of a friendship that was always supposed to be something more





I get drunk every time we hang out

because the thought of you there makes my vision fog up

and I can’t imagine trying to endure that sober





And I keep trying and trying to turn you away

But in the end

I always end up caving and letting you back in because





I keep hoping that things will go back to the way things were

But I’m pretty sure they never will.

Cause now





I can’t look you in the eyes.