This Sunday’s “NFL” match-up between the 0-4 Miami dolphins and the 0-5 Washington Redskins has the historical backing of being the worst game in the history of the NFL and it’s not even remotely close.

The last time two winless NFL teams met in Week 6 was 15 years ago in 2004 between the Buffalo Bills and (shocker) Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins ended up winning that Tank Bowl by losing the game. This helped them secure the following year’s #2 overall draft pick so they could flush it down the aquarium drain on running back Ronnie Brown.

To say this year’s Tank Bowl is in a league of its own would be an understatement and quite frankly deeply offensive to AFL, XFL, and Lingerie League teams everywhere. Just because the win/loss records of both the 2004 and 2019 Tank Bowls were the same doesn’t make them equivalent. To determine the more pathetic match-up, we must look at point differentials (total points scored minus points given up from all games) as the tie-breaker. In Tank Bowl 2004, both the Bills and Dolphins entered Week 6 with a combined point differential of -67 points. It’s expectedly very bad, but Bush league compared to the gargled yak phlegm representing for 2019. This year’s Washington Redskins point differential alone is -78 through the first five weeks. This means they are losing by an average of over 15 points a game which is good for second worst in 2019. Take notice of the literary foreshadowing of that sentence.

For some perspective on how bad the Redskins have been this year, the 0 – 16 Browns of 2017 held a better point differential of only -47 after five weeks. This year’s Redskins have already cycled through all their quarterbacks and realized the first guy is probably the less shitty of the bunch. They also ditched their Smoking Jay version of a coach a week after announcing his plan of not having a plan for who will play quarterback. They will take the field on Sunday as the favorite.

Let’s be real though. The Redskins are merely the opening act of this year’s Tank Bowl and it’s time to introduce the headliner. Reach out your hands, because the Miami Dolphins have a beer for us all to hold. Enjoy the show.

I chronicled just how historically bad the Dolphins were in Week 1 and let me tell you, they have outdid themselves since then. With a point differential of –137 through the first five weeks, the Dolphins are losing by over 34 PPG on average. To properly articulate how abysmal this is, consider that in 2018 the Chiefs averaged a league high 35.3 PPG. This means that the 2019 Dolphins are losing each game by basically as many points as the 2018 Chiefs scored every game. Imagine playing against Pat Mahomes in 2018, only your team wasn’t allowed to score any points. This is the state of the 2019 Miami Dolphins every time they take the field.

I meticulously scoured through the records to see how many teams had a worse point differential in the history of the NFL than the 2019 Dolphins after five weeks. I went through each and every year all the way back to the NFL’s inception in 1920. The results are provided below in its entirety: