WASHINGTON—Promising swift action as soon as he takes office, Vice President–elect Mike Pence pledged Thursday to strip federal funding for conservation efforts shortly after learning that elk do not mate for life, sources confirmed. “One of this administration’s top priorities will be eliminating wasteful spending on environmental programs whose goals include the reckless and misguided federal protection of elk, a species of deer that chooses not to engage in a lifelong monogamous bond and instead mates with countless partners throughout its lifetime,” said Pence, who expressed his disgust that hundreds of millions of dollars had been earmarked by the previous administration to provide federal protection to the nation’s wildlands where these animals could enjoy “wanton and promiscuous behavior” in which they copulate freely among their herds. “The United States government cannot continue to provide support to a species whose males, year after year, choose to breed with multiple female partners. If this is the lifestyle these deviant animals seek to pursue, then they should do so without the help of any taxpayer dollars.” Pence admitted, however, that he might not slash funding completely, noting that he approved of the fact that elk typically copulate only a few weeks out of the year and then go about a life of complete chastity in between.

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