Transgender teen's acceptance an act of love for family

Roz Keith's first inkling that her youngest child, the one who never liked frilly dresses or girly things, might be different came about eight years ago.

The little girl she and her husband named Olivia was playing in the bathtub, and declared: "I'm a boy!"

"I said, 'OK. Do you want to be a boy?' " Keith said. Olivia's response was: "No, but I am a boy."

"It always stuck in the back of my mind," said Keith, a mother of two from Farmington. "It was just that nuance with the words."

Keith remembered that conversation, but didn't give it much weight at the time. Olivia was only 7 then. She was just a tomboy, her mother thought, who preferred Spider-Man to tutus. But as Olivia grew, it became more and more clear that something else was going on.

Olivia identified as a boy.

Keith would later learn that there are few guidebooks about what to do when your child is transgender. In fact, there are few resources at all for families. It took hours of research, careful conversations, doctors' visits and the shedding of many tears before the Keith family found its way.

"Other kids who make these pronouncements and come out ... they don't view themselves as becoming a girl or they want to be a boy," Keith said. "They are. They are a boy or they are a girl. So I think that he (Olivia) couldn't answer that question, 'Do you want to be a boy?' because he was like: 'I am a boy.' "

Now Roz Keith wants to help others and is among the organizers of an event tonight at Temple Israel in West Bloomfield called "Transgender Youth and Families: You Are Not Alone."

Sharing the truth

Olivia told her friends first.

"Around fifth grade, I heard the term transgender on TV, and I did some research and I was like, yeah, that's me. So I ended up telling my friends and they were kind of like, 'Meh.' They didn't get it," Olivia — who now goes by the name Hunter — said while sitting on the sofa, petting the family's dog.

"But when we were a little older, old enough to understand, I went to them again. And they were completely supportive of me — and still are. They've been by my side since first grade, which I think is awesome."

The family came next.

It was when the 14-year-old wanted a boyish haircut that Roz Keith realized the truth.

"I said, 'These are boys' haircuts,' " Keith said. "Are you trying to look masculine?' "

"I was just like, whatever. Yeah, I am," Hunter said.

Hunter's dad, Richard Keith, struggled at first. Then, he began researching and discovered that in some Native American cultures, transgender people were thought to have two spirits, male and female, and were revered.

"It was kind of an anthropological answer," he said. "I think there are a lot of normal anomalies in life, and that is one of them. I felt like I didn't have to bang my head against the wall. I just felt it's right for Hunter and he needed our support."

The family began therapy, and tried to chart a course for the future. They agreed to call him Hunter, and began to consistently use male pronouns.

"I had to consciously think about it because it didn't just roll off my tongue, and it was like having a mouthful of marbles," Roz Keith said. "I did have to say, 'Look, you've been our daughter for 14 years, and we're gonna make mistakes. We are with you, this is happening, but you have to trust that it's going to take a while to get used to.' "

Every day since Hunter came out as a transgender boy has been a learning experience, and an act of love for his family.

"You don't know if your child is going to be born with any disability or difference or struggle. From my perspective, it's not a choice," said Roz Keith, who blogs about her family's experiences at https://callhimhunter.wordpress.com. "You don't get to turn your back and say, well, because you're this or you're that, you're gay or transgender or you have Down syndrome, I'm no longer going to parent you.

"It's a difficult bumpy, rocky road, and nobody would choose to be transgender."

Coping with change

When Hunter came out to his sister, Danielle Keith, a 19-year-old freshman at Michigan State University, he spoke hypothetically, asking how she would feel if he were a transgender boy.

She tried to be accepting, but at the same time, said she felt as if she'd lost a younger sister.

"My mom had brought it up to me. Hunter hadn't said anything to me personally yet," she said. "He was always a tomboy, so it wasn't like this huge shock. I had learned about what being transgender meant in health class, but I never imagined it impacting my life."

Still, she said, when Hunter finally did tell her, "I said, 'I would love you no matter what. It wouldn't change how I view you. I would just want you to be happy,' " Danielle said. "I tried to remain calm when he told me. I didn't want to freak out. ... Inside, obviously, I had a lot of emotion going on in my head. I didn't know how to tell people."

So she didn't. She told her boyfriend that Hunter was transgender, but didn't say anything to any of her friends.

Then, Hunter came out on Facebook.

"He just made a proclamation, like 'Hey, I'm transgender,' " Roz Keith said. 'You don't like it, too bad.' "

It took Danielle by surprise.

"Even though Hunter was ready, I wasn't ready to come out yet," Danielle said. "I didn't want to bring it up to people. ... It was like the elephant in the room. People knew something was up with Olivia at the time, but no one really knew what was going on."

Now, she said, she's very open about it and will talk to anyone with questions. But at first, Danielle said, "it was an uncomfortable subject for some people. It's different. It's not like being gay. You're changing your gender. You're changing who you are. You're changing your name."

When she looks at family pictures from their childhood, she doesn't see Hunter. She sees Olivia.

"I almost feel like Olivia went on vacation and never came back," Danielle said. "I know that sounds sad, but I don't really know how to explain it. Olivia was like one chapter of my life, and now I have Hunter. I know our relationship hasn't changed."

For Hunter, everyday activities are no longer routine.

Roz Keith recalls being being at the dentist's office, and the hygienist asking her how her girls were doing. "And I was like, hmmm," she said. "Do I say something, and get into it, or do I just say everyone is fine?

"It's like that over and over and over again. I kind of have to remind myself it's easy to be all like 'Oh, yeah. Accept your child.' But it's not easy even if you are accepting."

The doctor's office still called him "Olivia" in the waiting room. He didn't feel comfortable using the men's bathroom in public places, but he was worried because of his increasingly male appearance that he'd be kicked out of the women's restroom.

Hunter's school made accommodations, and allows him to use a co-ed faculty bathroom so it isn't awkward for him or his classmates.

Those situations are likely to come up throughout Hunter's life, said Lilianna Angel Reyes, youth program counselor for Affirmations, the Ferndale-based nonprofit that advocates and supports the LGBT community in metro Detroit.

"Coming out is reoccurring," said Reyes, a transgender woman who's lived it. "Technically, you're always coming out. You're coming out to your doctors, with your cousin you haven't seen in 20 years, to lovers and new friends. ... Because that process is never-ending, that stigma and difficulty continues to happen, and so support is necessary," if not through family and friends, then through community groups like Affirmations.

Finding support

Not all transgender teens have parental support.

"It's funny," Hunter said. "The people you're sure would accept you are the ones you're most scared to tell because of the slight chance that you'll lose someone you're so close to."

Parental acceptance is vital, said Dr. Antonia Caretto, a clinical psychologist who specializes in gender variance with a practice in Farmington Hills. "There's research that shows kids who do not have parental acceptance are more likely to get involved in self-medicating through drugs and alcohol, to commit suicide, and all sorts of behaviors that are problematic."

Caretto is one of the few doctors in the area who specializes in treating transgender kids. There aren't many resources, she said, and there's no single place in metro Detroit to go for medical care and guidance. In addition, insurance often doesn't cover treatment.

Dr. Jacalyn Bishop, a pediatric endocrinologist with a practice in Novi, also is among the few locally who specialize in helping transgender kids.

Bishop said it's difficult to pin down the number of transgender people in the U.S., let alone transgender children. Past attempts at estimating the population have been based on those who'd opted for sexual reassignment surgery, but she notes not all transgender people have surgery or seek medical treatment.

Even so, she said her client list is growing fast.

"I have about 60 patients who are transgender, and I certainly have had many more in the last few years," she said. "It seems like there's an increase. I don't want to say it's growing in prevalence. It could be that they've always been there, but they didn't know the vocabulary to describe what they're feeling, and they didn't know where to go or where to find help."

For kids struggling with these feelings there's often a sense of hopelessness, which can lead to depression and suicide.

A 2010 study found that 41% of 6,450 transgender people surveyed had attempted suicide, according to the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

And a 2012 study of 433 transgender people ages 16-24 in Ontario funded by the Canadian Institutes of Health Research found that three-quarters of all transgender youths without parental support said they were depressed; and more than half said they'd attempted suicide.

Leelah Alcorn didn't have supportive parents like Hunter Keith. The 17-year-old Cincinnati-area transgender girl stepped in front of a semi truck in December, taking her own life. She was born a boy named Josh, and had felt since a young child that she was a girl.

In a suicide note Alcorn posted to the social media blog site Tumblr that went viral, she wrote: "I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parents' disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness. ... My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. ... Fix society. Please."

After Alcorn's highly public suicide, Roz Keith and a group of other mothers of transgender kids took action. They created an online group called Ally Moms, whose mission is to offer love, support and encouragement to any teen who isn't getting it at home.

"It is very serious," she said. "Hunter went though an awful period where he was angry, he was depressed, he was making bad choices, and this was in a home where we are open and he can talk to us and he can open up. ... You can just imagine how that multiplies if a kid is in a family where they don't feel they can be open."

Puberty brings even more challenges.

"All of a sudden, their bodies are changing, hair is growing, breasts are developing, and there's all kinds of things happening. That's when it starts to kick in that, 'Oh my God. I don't belong in this body. What am I going to do? I don't want these breasts. I don't want this facial hair.' You have emotional teenagers to begin with, and you bring in the fact that their body is betraying them and they feel angry, and depressed and they feel confused," Roz Keith said.

Choosing a path

There's no right way to transition.

Not all transgender people will travel the same path. Some will be satisfied with only dressing as the opposite sex. Others will seek out hormone therapy. Some will change their names, identification. Some will have gender reassignment surgery, others won't.

Hunter, who is now 15, has been taking male hormones for nearly four months; the pitch of his voice is changing, and his self-esteem has gotten a boost.

"I sound different," he said. "My voice cracks repeatedly, and I'm just overall more confident."

The testosterone he uses once a week will eventually give him facial hair, change the way fat is distributed in his body to help him take on a more masculine shape, among other things.

He hopes to be able to have surgery some day to remove breast tissue, but the operation costs between $8,000 and $10,000 and is not covered by health insurance. In the meantime, he wears a binder beneath his shirt.

The World Professional Association for Transgender Health urges a tentative approach to sex reassignment surgery for transgender teens, recommending waiting until age 18. It does suggest surgery to remove breast tissue can be performed earlier, but only with the recommendation of a mental health professional and after having lived in the desired gender role for at least one year.

Despite the obstacles, Hunter said he wants other kids who feel different to know this: "There's always support. If you have a good group of friends, they will support you. If you don't, there is another group of people that will.

"The transgender community is a very tight-knit community. … There's always a place for people who are different, even if you're not gay. We will accept you. ... We're not going to make other people feel that pain."

The Keiths hope that by telling their story, they might be able to help other kids like Hunter find acceptance.

"To me, I'm not being brave," Hunter said. "I'm being myself. Then again, a lot of people say that's brave to be yourself. But, like, who else is going to be me?"

Contact Kristen Jordan Shamus: 313-222-5997 or kshamus@freepress.com. Follow her on Twitter @kristenshamus.

Get help

Treatment often begins with a phone call from a concerned parent.

"Obviously one of the questions is: 'Is my child transgender?' and the corollary is 'What will happen in the future?' " said Dr. Antonia Caretto, a clinical psychologist who specializes in gender variance. "I always say my crystal ball is at the dry cleaners. There is no blood test, and the younger the kid is, the harder it is to predict. The younger the child is, the research says, the less likely he or she is to persist with the behavior.

"Puberty usually is where the rubber meets the road, and that's where kids either come to some resolution or get so distressed about what is happening to their body, that it becomes clear that this is not something that is going to go away. Usually, if a teen is persisting, then it's more likely that will be the case in the future as well."

Resources

■ Caretto started a support group for transgender teens and their families. It meets roughly once every six weeks. For details, contact her at Be Treated Well, 248-553-9053 or www.betreatedwell.com.

■ Ally Moms: A network of mothers of transgender teens from throughout the U.S., Canada and the United Kingdom who can text with or talk to kids who don't have parental support about what they're going through, and offer help and advice. For a list of phone numbers and information, go to: https://callhimhunter.wordpress.com/ally-moms/

■ Affirmations: A Ferndale nonprofit group committed to serving lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in metro Detroit. 248-398-7105 or www.goaffirmations.org. It also has a toll-free helpline: 800-398-4297 and a website specifically for youths at xtlyouth.org.

■ Transgender Michigan: A Ferndale-based nonprofit organization, with chapters around the state, whose mission is to educate, advocate for and support transgender people, their families, friends and allies. www.transgendermichigan.org. Toll-free helpline is 855-345-8464.

■ PFLAG Detroit: The group, known as Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Detroit, works to combat hate, discrimination and violence against people in the LGBT community. 248-656-2875 or pflagdetroit.org.

Suicide hotlines: If you or someone you know is transgender and contemplating suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. Or call the Trevor Project's Lifeline: 866-488-7386; or use its online messaging service, Trevor Chat, at www.thetrevorproject.org/chat.

If you go

An event for transgender youths and their families is planned for 7 p.m. tonight at Temple Israel, 5725 Walnut Lake Road, West Bloomfield. Called "Transgender Youth and Families: You Are Not Alone," the informational session will include advice from Dr. Antonia Caretto, a clinical psychologist who specializes in gender variance, along with Dr. Jacalyn Bishop, a pediatric endocrinologist who helps transgender kids transition.

Transgender in popular culture

The media is rife with stories about Olympian Bruce Jenner, whose increasingly feminine appearance has fueled speculation that he is transitioning from male to female. Though Jenner hasn't publicly acknowledged being transgender, his mother, Esther Jenner, gave an interview to the Associated Press in February, saying she was proud of her son for being true to himself.

And in living rooms across America, people are watching the hit Netflix original TV series "Orange is the New Black," which includes Laverne Cox, a transgender actress who plays transgender character Sophia Burset. Cox made the cover of Time magazine last year, advocating for better treatment of transgender people.

In addition, "Transparent" a show produced by Amazon Studios about a transgender father of three who comes out as a woman, going from Morton to Maura Pfefferman, won a Golden Globe Award this year for Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy.

"What a difference a day makes, not to sound cliché," said Roz Keith, LGBT advocate, founder of Ally Moms, and the mother of a transgender teen. "Kids today ... are fortunate because they're growing up in a world where there is more awareness. And that's why we're telling our story."

—Kristen Jordan Shamus

Key words

It can be difficult to know the correct terminology to use when talking about the transgender community. Here is a list of common terms, and what they mean, provided by the National Center for Transgender Equality:

Transgender: A term for people whose gender identity, expression or behavior is different from those typically associated with their assigned sex at birth.

Gender identity: An individual's internal sense of being male, female, or something else. Since gender identity is internal, one's gender identity is not necessarily visible to others.

Gender expression: How a person represents or expresses one's gender identity to others, often through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice or body characteristics.

Queer: A term used to refer to lesbian, gay, bisexual and, often transgender people. Some use queer as an alternative to gay in an effort to be more inclusive. Depending on the user, the term has either a derogatory or an affirming connotation, as many have sought to reclaim the term that was once widely used in a negative way.

Genderqueer: A term used by some individuals who identify as neither entirely male nor entirely female.

Gender non-conforming: A term for individuals whose gender expression is different from societal expectations related to gender.

Bi-gendered: One who has a significant gender identity that encompasses both genders, male and female. One side or the other may be stronger, but both sides are there.

FTM: A person who transitions from female-to-male, meaning a person who was assigned female at birth, but identifies and lives as a male. Also known as a transgender man.

MTF: A person who transitions from male-to-female, meaning a person who was assigned male at birth, but identifies and lives as a female. Also known as a transgender woman.

Transition: The time when a person begins to live as the gender with which they identify rather than the gender they were assigned at birth, which often includes changing one's name and dressing and grooming differently. Transitioning may or may not also include medical and legal aspects, including taking hormones, having surgery, or changing identity.

Intersex: A term used for people who are born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy and/or chromosome pattern that does not seem to fit typical definitions of male or female.

For more terms and definitions, go to http://bit.ly/1Ktc3Qc.