CANADA – Sources report that the nation’s women are so fucking done with all this goddamn bullshit. If you assault women, it’s your fault, and your problem. Fucking get it together or get the fuck out. We’re not doing this anymore.

“Yet again, a man was given a pass for crimes no sane human being thinks he didn’t commit,” said a spokesperson on behalf of all women in a press conference earlier today.

“You know what? We’re taking the rest of this shit-stain of a day off and having a long fucking bath, and when we come out, there better be a fuck ton of better legal mechanisms for addressing sexual assault waiting for us.”

The nation’s women have also stated that they sure as shit aren’t going to be the ones fucking taking the blame when somebody decides to attack them. You think you can hurt us and fucking get away with it? I’ve got news for you, honey. Not how it works anymore. Time’s up. Nobody cares what you think. Go fuck yourself, you stupid piece of shit.

In the meantime, the nation’s women prepared a press release indicating that if any motherfucker ever fucking touches one of us again, ever hits us, molests us, rapes us, invades our privacy — if you ever, fucking EVER even try — nobody’s going to be making excuses for you anymore. Everybody’s going to hope you get thrown off a fucking roof into a dumpster like you deserve. Fuck you.

“Honestly, I am truly sorry for whatever happened to sexual predators and intimate partner abusers to make them what they are,” said the spokesperson. “But I feel more sorry for the women who have to deal with not only the trauma of assault but the double shame of being held responsible for someone else’s pathology. So, Bye! We’re officially done,” said the nation’s women as they turned their backs and strode away.

The nation’s women finally remarked that the worst thing about all this was the thought that maybe the complainants came forward for nothing. That women who had carried the burden of their assaults for years, who had nonetheless found the courage to come forward and endure a protracted hearing rehashing their worst days, that these women would still see their attacker appointed to the Supreme Court.

“But as tragic and disappointing as this was,” the spokesperson added, “the complainants’ decision to speak out has helped make an enormous difference to sexual assault survivors and all women. Thanks to their courage, people across the country are — more than ever before — having open conversations with their friends, partners, and kids about what consent means. So no matter what the decision is, we’ll be celebrating heroes.”

At press time, we’re not going to let this ever happen again.