When a friend is intolerant of your life decisions, it can be tough to sustain a friendship.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’m going though a friendship breakup, I’m concerned I’m being too unforgiving. My best friend of 15 years really hurt me when my daughter was born. Through my pregnancy, my friend told me she would hate to be pregnant and it would ruin her life. She’s very clear that she doesn’t like children and increasingly talks badly about her other close friends and often their children.

When my baby was born, I asked to call my friend the next day (she’s not a phone person and often likes to schedule a phone call…. kind of annoying but there you go). I didn’t want to pin her down for hours and make her feel uncomfortable with all the gory details, but just talk. My friend said that it wasn’t a good time as she was busy. I was hurt and left it until a couple of days after to text back and asked her what had happened and what was making her busy. Her reply was that she was tidying the house for the TV man to come. She asked if she could then call me later that week. I declined and said I was spending time with my family. I felt so upset and of little importance to her I didn’t want to be scheduled according to her timetable.

So a few months later my friend came to my hometown and said she was bringing her friend with her (which she never usually does) and wondered if we could meet up and she could finally meet my daughter.

She was late coming in on the train (no problem, that happens) but lost her temper with me the second she walked off the platform, getting angry that she couldn’t get through to me and my phone was going through to voicemail. I was baffled! Couldn’t she see I was holding a crying baby at the platform? I had been waiting an hour in the train station with a 3-month-old crying baby, not to mention I had texted her ahead of time to explain that my phone battery was dying – but I would still be at the station when her train pulled in. Anyway, my friend barely acknowledged my baby and didn’t say much to me after that. Any conversation I tried to start was only replied with one-word answers.

We met one other time after that and I didn’t have my daughter with me. She seemed happy and more upbeat but I sat there wishing I were at home with my baby. I just don’t have it in me to keep this friendship. She doesn’t tell me what’s going on in her life anymore. I only text her once every couple of weeks now, as opposed to every day because I don’t have time for hurtful people in my life or people who aren’t interested in my family (Am I being selfish? I’ve changed but I can’t ask her to change too…)

It’s my decision to step back but have I done the right thing? I never explained how hurt I was. I hate confrontation. I’d rather let it fizzle out but feel so sad that’s how our friendship came to an end. All I’d have to do is not text back, which feels so heartless to me. Your help would be so much appreciated.

Signed, Donna

ANSWER

Hi Donna,

Congratulations on the birth of your child. It is common for friendships to change and drift apart after major life events like graduation, moves, marriages or having babies; even long-standing friendships like this one. Change can create distance between friends as lives veer in different directions, especially if a friendship is already tenuous or frayed.

In your case, however, your friendship was pretty much doomed from the start because your friend is so intolerant and judgmental of others. She has the right to remain childfree, which you seem to respect, but she hasn’t respected your decision to have a child.

No matter what the reason for a hospitalization, a good friend would want to make contact and support you. It would have been nice if your friend could have empathized with your feelings and understood your joy in giving birth even though she doesn’t want children of her own. She also should have been able to at least feign some interest in seeing your new baby.

It sounds like this friendship has already fizzled out except for awkward text messages between you. I don’t see any reason to put another nail in the coffin by explaining how hurt you were. It’s very unlikely your friend will come around and change or understand your point of view. Although I understand how badly you feel, I would suggest you move forward and find other friends who are more accepting of differences. Being a new mom often opens up new opportunities to make friends with other moms.

Best, Irene

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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS, Legacy friendships