Even though I’ve categorized this as both Childcare and Transitioning, I don’t really feel that it’s either, but the idea behind the topic is something that I think can be applied to both.

This evening was spent deep in conversation with my mom and sister about depression and how we each address it. It sparked me to think that some of you might want to know my personal method of addressing depression, something I’ve faced my whole life.

Inside depression, it’s dark, it’s lonely, it’s sad. I feel like there’s no one to turn to. I don’t want to talk to anyone or face the day. The posts and videos that usually make me laugh are just dull and boring. It’s hollow and there’s no point to anything. I used to spend months or years feeling like this. I found writing in middle school and flourished by writing material on topics so mature, I’m still not sure where the ideas came from (murder, rape, abuse). That wasn’t an end-all for depression though, that was just an outlet for suppressed emotions.

At some point after I’d graduated a high school I’d only attended for grade 12 and failed out of first year electronics engineering and I’d been sent to basic training only to fail the first fitness test and put on the release platoon, I realized something that would change my whole outlook.

Everything happens for a reason.

Say it with me now, everything happens for a reason.

It’s true. I wouldn’t be here today, I wouldn’t be who I am today, if everything, if anything that happened in my past hadn’t happened.

At some point in that two week stretch on the release platoon, I was sitting in the barracks staring at the ceiling, or maybe it was twiddling my thumbs staring at the wall of the only room we were allowed to be in that I made the realization. I counted back and figured out what got me to where I was. I counted forward to where this current life change could take me. I realized it wasn’t all bad. I realized that even though I was depressed, even though I hated my lot that day, I has generally happy with where I was and that all the bad was okay if there was still some happy.

Since then, I’ve taken the time to ask myself those questions every now and then. At first it wasn’t every time I should have, now I ask almost every day. When I look for “am I happy with where I am and where I’m going?” I’m not looking for a truly from the heart positive emotion. I’m looking for recognition that my life is on a positive trend. That positive trend is “happy.”

I’ll give you an example.

In my last couple weeks in small-town Ontario before I moved back to BC for Christmas, I could often be found sitting on my bed in the evening thinking.

“I hate this house. I hate the boys today. I hate their mom. I hate this living situation. I hate what we’re having for dinner (which I likely made all or most of). I hate having to walk an hour just to get to the pub to meet up with my friends.”

“Everything happens for a reason. Am I happy with my lot right now?”

First, look back.

“I wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t graduated in Victoria, dropped out of Electronics Engineering, quit the military, had a year off school before starting Business Administration and running out of money after a year and a half and needing to move in with my parents. I wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t posted an ad on Craigslist offering myself as a babysitter in a desperate ploy for references to be an Au Pair in Europe. I wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t fallen in love with A and K that first month I took care of them. I wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t recognized the issues of trying to be an Au Pair with dual citizenship. I wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t recognized that I needed to get out of my parents house when I did.”

Second, look at now.

“Today was rough because the boys had a long, tough day in school. Today was rough because the boys both had a lot of homework in their harder subjects. Today was rough because I didn’t get a lot of sleep and had a shorter fuse. Today was rough because the boys didn’t get to play outside because it was dark by the time their homework was done. Today was rough because their mom came home late without telling me. Today was rough because I had to watch the boys and finish making dinner even after she came home. Today was rough because I didn’t have a pub-night to look forward to.”

Third, look ahead.

“I only have two weeks and then I’m no longer working here. I only have two weeks and I get to see my parents, cat, and A again. I start back in class in four weeks.”

What have I learned being where I am?

“I’ve learned the lengths of my patience. I’ve learned the kinds of living situations I don’t like. I’ve learned how to handle being so far from my immediate family in a bad situation. I’ve learned a lot about caring for older children. I’ve learned I don’t like caring for older children. I’ve learned how to stand up for myself. I’ve learned how to make adult friends.”

Do I like where I’m going right now?

“I’m on my way back to BC. Bad. I’m on my way back to school. Good. I’m on track to finish my diploma within the year. Good. I’m on track to be in Europe within two years. Good. I have a strong idea of what I want out of a career, both short term and long term. Good. Yes, I like where I’m going.”

“Everything happens for a reason. I wouldn’t be where I am today if not for what happened before. I’m on track and solid with what I want. I am happy with where I am.”

So here’s the method: Remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. Look at the past. Look at the present. Look at the future. Ask yourself what you’ve learned from what’s really bad right now. Ask yourself if you like where you’re going. If the answer is yes to your future, then tell yourself you are happy with where you are. If the answer is no to your future, then find a way to turn it into a yes, even if it’s something tiny like seeing a friend soon or getting a new pet or having a new adventure or enjoying your current job.

Here’s the thing, though. I do this every day, every time my mind goes a little blank. I do this on my good days. I do this on my bad days. I do this on days I stare blankly at the comedy show and wonder why everyone is laughing. I do this on days I upvote every image on imgur and laugh so hard at Jimmy Carr that I can barely hear his jokes. I do this on days where I can’t justify getting out of bed for my participation-marked class or my kids at work. I do this on days I’m awake and dressed before my alarm goes off. I ask these questions EVERY DAY. I remind myself EVERY DAY that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON.

Doing this has turned depression from a weeks and months and sometimes years long thing into a days and weeks long thing. It’s not gone and I still have times when life just sucks, but as long as I remember that it’s happening for a reason, even if I don’t know it yet, and my future has a bright spot, then eventually I’ll feel again.

The only other thing I do to try to combat the depression is to go through the motions. It’s something my mom told me to do years ago. If I’m not happy, but I’m supposed to be (socially/work), then I smile. If I would normally get up/eat breakfast/go to class/go to work right now, then that’s what I do. If I normally browse the internet at this time, then I do, even if I don’t upvote anything that I would normally find amusing. Going through the motions normalizes the day and makes it easier to get through.

Remember: even if you don’t know why right now, everything does happen for a reason. Eventually you’ll find out. Maybe your darkest hour is the reason your lightest day is going to happen. Hold on to your own personal positives, even if your darkness tells you they’re trivial.