This is the second and concluding part of my comprehensive list of the most ludicrous aspects of Steven Seagal’s life and career. If you haven’t yet read segments 1-5, read them in PART ONE. Otherwise, here’s reasons 6 to 12 of why the fatman is the most ridiculous man in the world.

6- His terrible movies

Aside from Seagal’s first few efforts, which were genuinely good action movies (‘Out For Justice’ is a classic), the fatman has amassed a filmography worse than Ed Wood’s. With the aforementioned ‘Today You Die’ and the ‘has to be seen to be believed’ atrocity that is ‘Attack Force’ leading the pack as the very worst (and most funniest) of Seagal’s rotten output, reading through the list of his films on Imdb is akin to perusing a record of Holocaust victims — absolutely tragic.

Even when Seagal was younger, thinner and gave a modicum of a fuck, he still had all the acting ability of a roadkill badger. Frown, squint, mumble, kick, repeat. For my money, nothing comes close to ‘Today You Die’ in terms of execrable acting/directing/writing and pure unintentional hilarity. One of the funniest scenes from that contagious anal rash of a movie is when Seagal is sent to jail but isn’t required to conform to prison uniform regulations like everyone else, and is allowed to constantly wear a massive buttoned up overcoat that is never taken off, including when he wakes up fully clothed from an insinuated sex scene (the actress must have thanked God when she found out the sex scene wasn’t going to be filmed). Covering up Seagal’s porcine figure is evidently more important than the most basic forms of realism.

With his insipid films mostly taking place in Eastern European shitholes on typically low budgets, Seagal is renowned for putting in less effort than a narcoleptic snail. With an unprecedented level of lethargy, Seagal usually makes up about 2% of his fight scenes, being doubled for everything but the close-ups. Frequently, he is doubled for even the most physically trivial of endeavours, such as walking through a door or the complex act of standing. The directors and fight choreographers share Seagal’s apathy considering little is done to hide the fact that the double’s are usually half Seagal’s weight and are sometimes even wearing different colored clothes.

It’s come to the point where oftentimes Seagal even has to have a VOICE double because his hushed, mumbled and often improvised (didn’t read the script) dialogue is regularly indecipherable. Here’s a scene from ‘Attack Force’ with the worst dubbing since 70’s kung fu flicks:

For sheer comedy, if you haven’t already, seek out a Seagal DTV flick.

7- His pathological lies/delusions

It would take a month to extensively list all of Seagal’s copious lies and deranged delusions, so I’ll stick to a select few, the biggest of which is the nonsense Seagal long spewed about possessing a mysterious CIA background. He once said:

“You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors.”

In actuality, as you’d expect, that’s a steaming pile of horse shit. Seagal never worked covertly for the CIA or anyone else, and Gary Goldman, an ex-mercenary (for real) and former business partner of the fatman revealed a hilarious story:

In an interview with Spy, Goldman says he had long known that Seagal tends to tell grandiose tales about himself. Late in 1988, a former soldier of fortune and treasure hunter named Randy Widner invited Seagal, Goldman and another man to hunt for treasure off the coast of Barbados. At that time, Seagal had been telling Goldman that he’d been a U.S. Navy SEAL. Evidently this was one frogman who did not take well to water. As Goldman recalls, “Randy was driving [a Zodiac raft] in circles while Steven and I carried the gear out to him. The surf was unbelievable, really tough… He started screaming and panicking and was sure he was going to die and all that crap.” Goldman says Seagal had to be helped onto the vessel. “Wildner had to pull Seagal by his hair; I pushed his ass onto the boat with my shoulder.” Later that evening, Goldman says, he realized that Seagal could not read a compass or a map. (Seagal describes himself as “autistic with numbers.”) With that, Goldman says, he totally dismissed the notion that Seagal had ever been involved in any covert operations. In his letter to the Times reporter, Goldman wrote that Seagal “would surely die of starvation if he was given a compass and a map that led to a restaurant five miles away.”

The closest Seagal has ever come to being a Navy SEAL is this picture:

As well as claiming he learnt blues from the masters despite only being 5, Seagal also claimed he spent much of his youth in Brooklyn (probably to augment his then Italian persona), despite probably never once going there when he was young. Then there was Seagal’s claims about daringly battling the Yakuza (the Japanese mafia) when he was in Japan, and claimed to Movieline “I jumped right in their faces. I was a tenacious motherfucker, man, and I was fearless.” His first wife, Fujitani, cleared up this nonsense however:

“It is a lie. He once chased a few drunks away from the dojo but never was involved with Yakuza.” Fujitani also delivered some insight into the mysterious attainment of Seagal’s Aikido black belt. “The only reason Steven was awarded the black belt was because the judge, who was famous for his laziness, fell asleep during Steven’s presentation. The judge just gave him the black belt.”

Where Seagal’s lies begin and his delusions end is debatable, but what’s not is the fact that it’s a fucking comedy goldmine.

8- His pseudo mysticism

One of Seagal’s most entertaining qualities is his half-baked Buddhist ramblings and assertion that he’s the reincarnation of a 17’th century Buddhist lama. Wouldn’t it be a tad more believable if it were claimed he were the reincarnation of a warthog, or perhaps a triple bacon cheeseburger? And Seagal has to be the most hypocritical, fraudulent Buddhist alive. He’s exhibited anything but the philosophy of peace and compassion that Buddhism is supposed to preach. But what’s funniest about the rotund bastard and his obsession with Eastern spiritualism is when he attempts to take on the role of ‘wise old master’, robing himself in circus tent-sized kimono’s and brainfarting gems like this:

9- Real life situations

Seagal has told more tall tales than Walt Disney but the side-splitting truth is that when the fatman has been in a position to substantiate some of his physical claims he’s usually he’s been made to look a fool. There isn’t a more amusing Seagal tale than the time he was choked out by Judo champion and stunt coordinator Gene Lebell. Seagal, who has a history of abusing stuntmen on the sets of his films, often by kicking them in the nuts when they don’t expect it, finally got a taste of his own medicine when he arrogantly declared he could never be choked out by anyone, and lo and behold, was taken down by Lebell. The reason this story is so funny is because not only did Seagal pass out, but he proceeded to urinate and defecate all over himself in the process. At long last Seagal managed to experience the metaphorical equivalent of what moviegoers had been put through every time they saw one of his films. Of course, a lawsuit towards Lebell followed, so Gene had to stay quiet about it all.

Then there was Seagal’s problems with the Mafia over a monetary dispute relating to his business partner Jules Nasso who was connected to the mob. Suffice to say, during a meeting with some mobsters, Seagal almost had another ‘Gene Lebell moment’ and was said to be completely terrified during the time spent with them. Where was Seagal’s steely poise and tough guy attitude when faced with genuinely dangerous criminals? This website goes into much deeper detail over the whole hilarious series of events.

How about the time Seagal ran away from his eternal rival Jean Claude Van Damme at a party at Stallone’s house? Sly remembers it:

“But I remember once, at my home in Miami, I believe it was in 96 or 97, Van Damme was there with Seagal, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Shaquille O Neal, Don Johnson and Madonna, it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal pulled a Houdini. Who would win? I have to say I believe Van Damme was just too strong and Seagal wanted no part of it. That’s just my opinion.”

Maybe Seagal’s sudden evasive tactics had something to do with the fact that he’s never actually competed in an competitive fight. Throwing around compliant uke certainly doesn’t count. Van Damme may have been going through his lamentable drug addict phase, but what better time for Seagal to back up his lofty claims? No, Seagal would rather take cheap shots at stuntmen, or sneakily put martial arts instructor Dan Inosanto in a joint lock when he was supposed to shaking his hand. He’s like a caricature of a despicable cartoon villain, and I love him for it.

10- Terrible Products

If there’s one thing worse than Seagal’s mind-numbing movies, it’s his inane products, like Lightning Bolt, the Seagal energy drink which comes in such flavors as ‘Asian Experience’ and ‘Cherry Charge’ and include such beloved ingredients like ‘goji berry’ and ‘cordyceps’. Such mystery! Such spiritual power! Presumably ‘Obese Cunt’ is still in the early stages of production.

Since I’d rather pour a glass of Gary Coleman’s liquefied feces inside my mouth than consume a can of Seagal’s vile drink, I’ve taken other reviewers word for it when they’ve said Lightning Bolt tastes like “rancid peaches, cigarettes and vitamin pills”. Hell, it could contain Seagal’s putrid sweat for all we know. Regularly consume large quantities of this shit and you’ll probably end up looking just like Seagal, including ponytail. Avoid like the plague!

Then there’s Seagal’s line of fetid aromatherapy oils, designed to turn your skin as leathery and repellent as the stout sensei’s. The only thing that’s essential about these oils is never putting them anywhere near your body.

Seagal also has the distinction of having the single worst ever video game in existence, The Final Option for the SNES. Believe me, I’ve played it. And you thought his movies were bad! Sheesh! The fact that this digitized anathema was never released is akin to if the Holocaust had never taken place. It was that painful. As the titular fatman, you shuffle around a warehouse in search of keycards, punching scientists and kicking guards that look like mailmen, falling off ledges with the gayest screams ever recorded and struggling to work around bizarre controls and nonsensical level design. And if in any circumstance this fat fraudulent fuck were truly the final option, you know you’re in some desperate fucking times.

11- Seagal as a cop

Thought Seagal was done pretending to be other people? Think again! Now he’s a cop! His recent reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman will have to go down as one of the most unintentionally hilarious shows of all time. Whether it’s Seagal transforming into ghetto-mode every time he encounters a black person (and he’s a cop, so it’s a lot), waiting back and screaming “WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT?” while real officers chase after criminals, or Seagal explaining how due to his magically heightened perceptive ability (I like to call it, ‘Seagal Vision’) he can tell if someone is about to commit a crime simply by a flick of the wrist or a turn of the head, it’s vintage Seagal comedy the whole time.

“WHERE THE CHOCOLATE AT?! WHERE THE SUSHI AT?!”

12- Rebirth as an MMA grandmaster

Lastly, there’s Seagal’s recent claim to fame as a mixed martial arts Mr Miyagi, somehow weaseling his way into UFC fighters Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida’s training camp and forming part of their fight training, infusing it with some of his Aikido knowledge (despite most Aikido being either illegal or impractical under MMA rules). Other than the introduction of his latest retarded appearance (yellow glasses, all the time), the lulz have flowed like a fine wine thanks to Seagal’s typically bullish claim that he taught Machida and Silva the basic front kick, which he also supposedly invented, and that no one else knows. A basic front kick.

Also according to Seagal, Anderson sent him a memo saying “will you please teach me your deadly stuff?”. In one of his sessions with Machida, Seagal implored that Machida should “Use your mind. Use your mind! I don’t care if you kill him. I don’t care. You fuck him up. You take him out.”. ‘Deadly stuff’ and disregard for the death of an opponent — that definitely sounds like Buddhist compassion.

The greatest thing about all this madness is that both Silva and Machida won their last fights with front kicks, so Seagal has genuinely somehow had an impact on them, even if it was just emphasising the use of front kicks. Now every time they fight in the octagon, Seagal is sitting there in the front row (taking up 4 seats, naturally), wearing his now trademark yellow shades and providing constant entertainment for us all.

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In all honesty, Seagal is a serial con artist, a pathological narcissist, an insecure misogynist, a cowardly bully and a self-aggrandizing, deluded, languid, physically grotesque, psuedo-mystical madman. But most of all, he’s the most ridiculous and entertaining man in the world, and for that I will always be an ardent fan. Never change, Steven. Never change.