Kim Davis

The very first “political prisoner” of the antigay, meth-addled, paranoid micro-bloc of the American electorate. Thanks to Davis, I now know that my own country is pathologically immune to social progress and will put aside EVERYTHING—building bridges, educating children, fixing roads—to keep the gays from gaying more stuff up.

Cameron Crowe

Aloha was arguably the biggest flop of the year: another painfully earnest, meandering dramedy from our blandest director, featuring Emma Stone in Asianface. Emma Stone! You can’t have a character named Allison Ng played by an actress who looks like she was conceived by two Irish street fairs. Some of then–Sony head Amy Pascal’s best leaked e-mails were about how much she regretted green-lighting the film: “I’m never starting a movie again when the script is ridiculous.” Maybe this will stop movie studios from handing Crowe millions of dollars to make movies solely designed to showcase his taste in dad rock. No one needed to be re-introduced to “I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)” by Hall & Oates. That is not a deep cut.

David Cameron

British prime minister. Allegedly face-fucked a dead pig at college. (Sorry, at university.) But look at it this way: This is the most attention we’ve paid to British politics in years! Have they always been doing this? Those naughty scamps!

Sepp Blatter

Do you know how evil you have to be to have the Swiss investigate you? He’s still theoretically running FIFA. Someone needs to stop him before he acquires biological weaponry.

Hillary Clinton

Remember Cool Hillary Clinton, back when she was checking her phone with her sunglasses on like a BAWSE and getting drunk with foreign dignitaries on Instagram and shit? Yeah, that Hillary Clinton is gone, kids. Hopelessly corrupt pander-bot 2008 Hillary is back! And remarkably, she seems to believe—yet again—that her lengthy history of cynical, bought-and-paid-for leadership somehow entitles her to the presidency, as if her entire campaign strategy is “I didn’t betray my principles and sell out every last one of my constituents NOT to be president, you guys!” I hope she keeps that Gmail account open. She’s gonna need it after blowing this election.

Terrence Howard

The Empire star is an admitted wife beater who also believes that 1 × 1 should equal 2. Check out what he said to Rolling Stone: “If one times one equals one that means that two is of no value because one times itself has no effect. One times one equals two because the square root of four is two, so what’s the square root of two? Should be one, but we’re told it’s two, and that cannot be.” Well, here’s some math for you, Terrence: EMPIRE minus YOU plus DON CHEADLE = The same awesome ratings.

Bill Cosby

Christ. YOU WERE MY BACKUP FATHER, MAN.

Jared Fogle

Like Bill Cosby, only his artistic legacy was selling you bad sandwiches.

Officials at MacArthur High School in Irving, Texas

Remember when poor Ahmed Mohamed was arrested at his school for building a clock? That was because his English teacher thought he had built a bomb. As Ahmed notes, “She thought it was a threat to her.” Hey, Teacher Lady, maybe munitions aren’t your strong suit. STICK TO SALINGER NEXT TIME.

Jeb Bush

Say hello to the biggest chump in a whole family of chumps. It should be impossible to fuck up the GOP nomination when you have all of the evil super-PAC money and your chief rival is a vomit-skinned huckster who can’t go 30 minutes without jamming his foot down his throat. But then sad old Jeb(!) comes along, looking like an impotent Disney Channel sitcom dad, getting ball-gagged by Donald Trump, walking back sane comments so he seems sufficiently insane, and smiling like a dolt. He looks like a Greenwich hostess trying to tell a drunk houseguest to leave. Like Mitt Romney before him, Jeb is the inevitable by-product of the Republican Party’s delusional self-regard: He’s a bland, uptight man forcing himself to repress any trace of humanity in order to appease the blood-diamond barons and the hillbilly bigots who own his ass.