Richmond, VA — With churches around the country closing and violators of stay-at-home orders being fined and imprisoned, one church in Virginia has resorted to a desperate yet innovative solution for ensuring they can keep their doors open during the coronavirus lockdown: pretend to kill innocent babies inside.

“We saw that abortion clinics across the state were still being allowed to see record numbers of patients for elective abortions, in spite of the virus risk. People’s cancer surgeries are being delayed, but abortions are still being done without restriction,” said Reverend Alden of First Bible Church of Richmond.

“We will still maintain PPE and social distancing standards for this upcoming Sunday service, but we figured we’d give ourselves some extra protection by slapping a big Planned Parenthood sign on the front of the building, just in case.”

There is no word on whether other churches will be resorting to this tactic in the coming weeks, but there are many other strategies being considered, such as pretending to be an essential business like Burger King or a 7-Eleven.

The Petty Prophet http://www.thepettyprophet.com The Petty Prophet is a shadowy figure and a reporter-at-large for Genesius Times. Little is known about him, but he’s most likely a straight white male. Ew. You should probably disavow everything he writes if you know what’s good for you. Follow at www.thepettyprophet.com See author's posts