Reassurance seeking involves checking with somebody repeatedly to make sure everything is ok in respect to an obsession or worry.



Over the last few months, I found myself seeking more and more reassurance than before. I need certainty. Certainty is a solution for my anxiety and without it, I become increasingly anxious and frustrated. Once I engage in reassurance seeking, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder wins the upper hand.

The concept of reassurance seeking even to me is irrational. The whole idea that I am experiencing distressing obsessions and a person that has no medical or philosophical knowledge can put my mind at ease. When I logically think about it, how will the person in question will know for definite that I am going to be ok or that a certain event will not happen to me – this being said, at the time it is at the up most importance to be reassured.

I spend various parts of the day seeking reassurance from different people in different ways. I seek reassurance mainly from my girlfriend and my Mother – the reassurance can range from worries that even I find insignificant to concerns of high importance. I spend a lot of time seeking reassurance from my girlfriend as my anxiety heightens at night. The most common form of reassurance I seek from her is asking if I am going to be ok. No matter how bad the fear is when she tells me I am going to be ok, just from her words and the sincerity in her voice I believe that everything will be fine – for a short period. Reassurance seeking is short lived, and once you participate in it, the need for it becomes greater. Once she has reassured me the first time, I will ask repeatedly. Once the compulsion of reassurance is complete, the obsession gains validation and the worry is reinforced, this is how reassurance seeking spirals out of control. My girlfriend engages in my reassurance seeking because she wants to lower my anxiety and get me out of the state that I am in at that time.

When it comes to my Mother, seeking reassurance is much more difficult. I have found ways over the last few years to be clever with my reassurance seeking, in regards to the wording of my questions and the ways I go about it. As my Mother has been with me from the start of my diagnosis, she has had a long and hard journey with me. Some days she will give me just that little bit – if I ask again she will not participate and other days she will not take me on board at all. The approach from my Mother as she calls it ‘pulling the rope’ or ‘playing ocds game’ is very frustrating on both parts. I completely understand why my Mother takes this approach with me, because by participating, the worry will heighten and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder wins. My Mother refuses to engage in my reassurance seeking because she wants to lower my anxiety and get me out of the state that I am in. Both my girlfriend and my mother are the most wonderful, caring, loving people you could ever meet, and although there approach differs, they work. Sometimes I will seek reassurance from one and then proceed to the next. When my Mother refuses reassurance, I will contact my girlfriend to ask her. No matter whether the reassurance has been sought or not, the ongoing cycle is continuous. I will not stop until I get the answer I am looking for, and even when I have found it, I will continue.

I understand how irritating and frustrating it is for someone to engage in reassurance seeking. I am aware of what I am doing because I will say ‘just one more time’ or ‘this is the last time’ as well as apologising every time I have asked the question. My girlfriend will always put me at ease, be very warm, soft, and gives me endless reassurance whereas my Mother is as affectionate, caring and warm in regards to the reassurance she gives me tough love and knows when enough is enough.

Reasons why I need to stop seeking reassurance

Reassurance seeking is a compulsion. In order for me to overcome my battle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder all forms of compulsions and rituals need to be eliminated. Once a compulsion has begun, it is impossible to stop. There is very little difference between continuously tapping an object and excessively seeking reassurance. Both stem from the same obsession, supply the same level of anxiety and produce short-term relief. It gives the obsession validation. If there is nothing to worry about then why do I seek reassurance? For example, yesterday I was putting cream on my girlfriends shoulder to ease dry skin, I got some of the cream on my lip and I asked her repeatedly if it was going to be ok and if anything would happen to me. Thinking logically – why would the cream on my lip cause me any harm? What could it actually do to me? Lips are skin and the cream is for the skin so how could it cause any damage? Once we both engaged in the reassurance seeking the worry got much worse and led to more worries and obsessions. It is another form of avoidance. I cannot cope with the distress and uncertainty surrounding the obsession so the only way to deal with it is to avoid it. By seeking reassurance, I am putting the power into somebody else to waver the worry. It affects the people you love the most. By seeking reassurance, I am raising their stress levels and putting immense amount of pressure onto their shoulders. The concept that Obsessive Compulsive Order not only affects me, but the people around me is very upsetting.

Although reassurance seeking is not a physical action, it is just as exhausting as a physical compulsion and both render shame, confusion and distress. The thoughts consume every fragment of your mind and the compulsions reduce your worry for a short time only. I would love to say that I am going try to stop seeking reassurance but at this moment in time, I do not think I am ready. For sufferers with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder I think that it is very important to understand every aspect of your illness and the reasons behind what you are doing to get onto the road of recovery.