0-16…?

Do you think the Browns will ever win another football game? You would think they will at some point, right? They actually don’t look as hopeless as they have in the last few years, but yet they are sitting comfortably at 0-5. This year they do have a few players that score touchdowns and dance around like they do in every other city but Jacksonville. That’s way better than last year when it appeared the only reason the Browns fielded a team was to give other teams the chance to provide vicious hits. That allowed ESPN to talk about the relative fairness of the levied fines while they replayed endlessly the Browns players being destroyed like crash dummies. Maybe that’s the “improvement” Mike Holmgren was talking about?

I would imagine that every executive tied into the current Browns regime has his stuff in a box ready for a quick exit after new ownership takes control. I know I would if I were them. I’m sure they are parading around the halls in Berea stern faced with hands full of important documents in an effort to impress anyone that might be tied into potential future employment. I think the key there at work will be to look slightly angry yet really intense. That will give the appearance they are upset with the losing, yet giving the impression that they are somehow not part of the existing group. You definitely want to give off the vibe of “despite being a good soldier here, I am really pissed that Those Guys aren’t doing what I told them to do, which was win games.” You want the new ownership group to say “Let’s get rid of everyone but That Guy. He was never really part of the Old Regime. We can’t lump That Guy in with Them. That Guy is serious about winning!” It won’t work, but it’s pretty much the only play.

It could get really interesting when New Ownership starts to openly interview outsiders for key positions, and the lame duck management team realizes that no matter what happens they are outta there. Mike Holmgren will end the façade he was actually doing anything, and just stop swinging by the facility at all. I have always pictured his office as having a totally empty desk with no personal effects at all on the walls. It must look like a meeting room in an Embassy Suites. Maybe there is one of those watercolor paintings of past glories in Municipal Stadium that Carmen Policy didn’t want when he left. I can see his first day now… Mr. Holmgren? Do you want us to take that down and put up any of your things? “Nah. That’s fine. Leave it up. I won’t be here that much anyway.” Maybe he brought one of those pen and pencil sets with a Packers logo and a clock glued to the wood. He can just get that mailed to him I guess.

Tom Heckert will start shuffling around in flip flops asking “Did we win last Sunday? I was watching the Patriots game and didn’t see the score.” He’ll greet passersby in the hallway with a “hang loose” surfer’s salute. He may even make a late season deal to help the fortunes of his fantasy team. “In a shocking turn of events, Trent Richardson has been dealt to the Houston Texans for two golf carts and a duffel bag. With Arian Foster out for the year, this should be a great deal for Houston! Still, it’s hard to fathom why the Browns make this deal…”

The best part will be if the team can go 0-10. Shurmer will know for sure he’s done, and probably never to be a head coach again. Then he can make those postgame press conferences really interesting. Pat, what happened in the secondary when Victor Cruz was left all alone in the corner of the end zone? “Beats the shit out of me. Look, I tell these guys all week, cover Cruz no matter what. Do they listen? Hell no. Our best guy is out all jacked up on Adderall and if what we got out there even remembers to cover Cruz, there’s a 50/50 shot at best they can do it. You see who’s back there now? Most of these guys should be servers at Chili’s or personal trainers at Bally’s. They have no business being in the NFL. What are you going to do? You see the shitty players we got stuck with here? Man, that Chili’s talk got me hungry. Who’s up for Texas Cheese Fries? My treat!”

What I’m looking for in the 2012 Browns is a continued losing streak well into November with high scoring entertaining losses. Based on what we are seeing, I think that can happen. Let’s keep the magic happening this week. The Bengals are a team that loves to lose winnable games. They have a rich tradition of failure and an ownership even less likeable than Cleveland’s. This week will be a test. Let’s keep our eyes on the prize. One week at a time, one week at a time.

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

The DC Show with host Mike James airs live every Monday morning from 9am-11:30am on WRUW-FM 91.1 Cleveland, and streams world wide here.

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