Britain faces mass destruction ‘within 45 minutes’ unless Labour win, warns Blair

Trustworthy former Prime Minister Tony Blair today warned that Britain faces ‘mass destruction within 45 minutes’ of a Labour election defeat, in a speech to reporters.

Holding an extensive dossier which he declined to let anyone read, Blair told the press that it contained ‘quality research’ which conclusively proved everything he was saying.

“You’re going to have to take my word for that”, he grinned.

“But I am a pretty straight kinda guy.”

Blair went on to claim that unless Labour won the forthcoming election the economy would collapse in a similar way to how it did the last time Labour were in charge, when it was everybody’s fault but theirs – a statement to which former Economic Secretary to the Treasury Ed Balls was seen nodding enthusiastically.

“And it wasn’t our fault the time before that when we were in charge either”, he added.

Blair’s warning

Questions have been raised about the sources of information contained in the dossier, with some claiming that it had been extensively plagiarised from the comments threads on the Guardian website.

At least one critic of the dossier has been found dead of an apparent suicide in woodland since suggesting the contents might not be as accurate as Blair suggested.

The investigation is expected to take as long as it takes for people to forget about it.