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Buggy stuff behind the scenes As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works. Love, Scott Recent Posts Untitled (2) by eightofnine on What the fuck was that shit 1500 - Baby Mykle 2020 (12) by wednesday on Hey baby girl,

Your dad started a massive group text with all his family and your moms family this morning.

Your mom checked into the hospital for her C-section about 6:30am.

You came into this world at 7:58am, Friday September 25, 2020.

Your dad sent out pictures of you being weighed at 8:10am.

7lbs 10 oz. 20 inches long.

Your Grandma stayed home with your older siblings and got them off to school.

We got pictures of happy big brother and big sister too.

I think you look like your dad's side of the family already. The cheeks.

You look a like a screamer too. :P I think the screaming you get from your mom's side. One of these pictures your dad took of your exhausted mom holding you suggests she is just thrilled to have another screaming child in her ear. She loves you so much. You can't even imagine.

Your dad is sending us pictures through out the day of you. He does it on the pretense of sharing you with the whole family, but I think he secretly could take pictures of you and watch/stare at you all day long. He adores you.



You're probably going to be the last baby on this side of the family.

Unless your mom decides to have another kid.

Or unless I, your aunt, comes up with a baby in the future.... I wouldn't hold my breath for that.

There are 20 of us now altogether on your dad's side of the family.

6 nephews/grandsons and now 5 nieces/granddaughters. The boys were ahead for the longest time, but the girls have been catching up.

You made a nice round number of 20. It was either you or my potential husband making #20.

You won the race. Perfect timing.

I was so excited for your arrival I went and bought some clothes for you already. I gave your parents a onesie that says "My Aunt Loves Me" for you to wear as soon as you get here. I told them I want a pic with you in it since I can't come see you anytime soon with COVID-19/quarantine and such.



The history books, newspapers, journals, social media will all say this year sucked.

2020 will always be remembered as the year that sucked because of illness/pandemic, death, fires, flooding, hurricanes, earthquakes, infestations, hatred, fear, protests, riots, etc. A year when the world shut down.

I'm sorry if this taints peoples' view on your birth year, but hey, I'm pritti sure everyone will remember it!



You are the great, wonderful, miracle we all needed this year.

You are our symbol of love and hope for the future. Our joy.

No pressure.

I just read about a baby girl in Poland named Tikva during World War II. a jewish name, a hebrew word meaning "hope".

During times of turbulence and unrest we look for any sign of hope.



I can't wait to meet you.

I can't wait to hold a baby in this family, a baby that's "mine" if you will, prolly for the last time.

Summer's nearly over (117) by hellboy on 'i met a girl who sang the blues and i asked her for some happy news, but she just smiled and turned away.

I went down to the sacred store where i'd heard the music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play.'



Hard times are timeless... how I dearly wish I was not here (55) by overrated on Inspirational Quote of the Day:

Come, Armageddon, Come

Summer of 2020 (69) by hellboy on This year is obviously 'for the arse' as we say in german. At least i was lucky with not losing my job until now and also my wife had the opportunity to do homeoffice and school our little one at home.

We had a quite normal summer holiday and now school will hopefully start again in two weeks so he will be able to come back to wisdom and knowledge after this turbulent year.

I think germany did quite well with the pandemic and is still ongoing doing a good job. On the one hand the germans are still carrying that prussian gene with follow all orders of the government, behave and function. On the other hand, this oldfashioned attitude is not implemented in all generations and a lot of people complain about these 'restriction' we all have to bare. I think it's quite ridiculous to go on protest, because the government did a good job in healthcare and crisis planning. But thats also german. Complain complain complain.

My wife's and my soul are in italy, where we plan to live, when we're old. It's simple, relaxed and beautiful. Just as you may know it from hollywood movies.

My thoughts are always with the american people, you have to suffer under a bad crisis management and you don't have all the protection regarding job loss, healthcare and so on. All the benefits, we germans complain about.

I saw that 'meme' the last days again, in which they worte down a timeline of our grandparents:



Started with ww1 when they were children, world business crisis in the 1929's, ww2 when they were young adults, nuclear strike and korea war, vietnam and cold war. That is so true. I never understood, why my grandmother, which was a woman out of a good house and had a good education married my grandfather who was a farmer. She told me then, shortly before her death in 2007 that she just never thought he would come back from war. They just married so she would have the security and he so that he would have a goal to keep hanging on.

She did for herself the right thing after the war and stayed with her husband, which she really didnt know. Most important thing, she never stopped appreciating life, however poor it was with luxury. She handcrafted picture frames out of the plastic covers of chocolat candy and she worked her garden for the vegetables.

She always said, she would never, ever chose that life again, but was still happy.

With all these struggles, we have in these days, and there will be surely more to come on for all of us: we should never, ever give up on appreciating life. Never stop wondering how beautiful the sky is and how sedulously a bumblebee is just carrying on, even if it is just for on summer.

I could cry sometimes, for no particular reason. I love cuddling with my son, when i bring him to bed ad night. I enjoy him reading better with every word he is exploring in a book. And i'm always stunned how much truth he is telling.

I wish you all the strength to carry on and to find something worth living for. Life isn't over. Life is ongoing and we are just the bumblebee carrying on for one summer. now this mark remains and it will never ever go away (89) by dolefulutter on I wish I could've stolen a kiss.

You have the most beautiful eyes, and an even more beautiful spirit. Sitting beside you in silence has been the best first date I've ever had. It's strange, but that's when I knew you were someone special. In the middle of a global pandemic unable to touch with 2 metres closing in between us, I felt butterflies in my stomach once again.

I'm realy happy to have met you. Although many friends have attempted to reassure me many times that I won't have to settle for someone or be alone forever, you made me realize that someone like you actually does exists. I don't know much about you, but the little I do know made me hopeful. You made me feel alive. I wish the best for you and I hope you ultimately choose to give me a chance with you.

All in divine timing, you once said. I'll carry that with me as I await the verdict on your relationship with this lovely lady who waltzed back into your life.



Until then, I'll have to keep looking. Faith (105) by daysleeper on It never rains, but it pours. No sooner had I finished furiously writing out my years-belated and repressed grief for Loryn, than I found out that Faith had also committed suicide. On the second Friday in June. 12 years to the weekday after Loryn.



I met Faith here on SitDiary, 18 years ago. Her username was silentears, and her favorite book was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Faith was a poet, an artist, a sculptor, an all-around creative. They were compassionate, loving, a little bit crazy, and absolutely gorgeous. I had the hugest crush on them from the pictures they would occasionally post. We added each other on myspace, livejournal, and eventually facebook, and against all odds, we kept in touch. Sporadically, since we both had our mental health issues and difficulty reaching out.

When we were teenagers, Faith and I used to discuss our experiences with mental illness, processing our traumas together across the internet and writing notes and poetry back and forth. We truly understood each other's thoughts and ways of relating to the world. We would constantly talk on AIM, exploring our feelings and how to deal with them, Faith sharing their art that gave such beautiful creative expression to their innermost feelings of pain, hope, love, desire, and wonder. I remember one conversation where Faith told me they didn't remember all the details of some traumatic events, just that certain things had happened and been forgotten.



I remember about 9 years ago randomly going to livejournal, though I hadn't in ages, and reading that Faith was pregnant. I remember being so scared for them during that pregnancy, as I knew that Faith had never had the opportunity to have a healthy and stable relationship, and that it would be harder for them to get out of the relationship with their baby's dad, a guy I didn't really trust. I never trusted anyone to be good enough for Faith. Maybe it was because I was secretly in love with them since we were 12 and 13.



Faith never regretted having their son, a beautiful and wonderful child who inherited his Mama's love and compassion for others, and who looks so much like Faith. They were such a good mom, always putting in the work and effort to make sure that he felt loved and safe. Until the last few months.



A few months back, Faith had a major mental health crisis. Some things in their life were going on, and triggered some of the other things. They got diagnosed with DID after a suicide attempt, and they were working so hard on trying to recover but facing so many obstacles. They still couldn't remember all the details of that trauma we had talked about so many years earlier, and they tried desperately to fill it in. They had a psychotic episode and fought hard to get through and out of it. They were trying to rebuild. Trying to be the Mom and artist and friend they knew they could be. But some part of them was always suicidal, always had been. And at some point, that part of them took control and ended their life.



I haven't really had time to process this yet. I was just in the middle of processing this other catastrophe. I am so hurt and broken from all of it, and everything I am going through with all of this just hurts so much. My body physically hurts right now.



I miss being broken together. Very few know the pain of dissociative amnesia and can talk about it, the way Faith did with me. It's a cruel and terrible process. The past is stolen from us, and we have to fight every day to hold on to the present, and that shimmering sliver of hope for the future.



I am so unfathomably sad that they ended the fight where they did. Diagnosis is the beginning of hope, the beginning of a new era of recovery, but it is always darkest before the dawn. I can't feel any of my emotions right now except as physical pain, because I know it would be too much to bear emotionally.



Faith, I love you. I miss you. I hope that I will find both you and Loryn again. I know that my soul knows where to find you.



1495 (186) by wednesday on Family Vacation. Road Trip 2020 cuz what else you gonna do this year?

Nothing like testing the limits of your love by taking a long road trip together.

It's like the Grinch stole Christmas and all the Whos in Whoville sing anyway.

Well, we created memories and it was fun. A moment to be marked down in history for this family.



I need a vacation long enough that I forget all my passwords.

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacay.

Loryn (49) by daysleeper on I never got to tell you



I love you. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. You have the only smile I will ever need to see. When you kissed me on the swings with your slightly crooked mouth that so perfectly mirrored my own, it would have been my sexual awakening. But I was being molested at rhe time. The feeling I had in my nether-regions triggered what I didn't know then was a PTSD flashback. I associated sexual pleasure with being taken advantage of by wicked men. I didn't know how to act or what to say to you. I was sure we were both too young to be interested in sex and romance, and you were 3 years younger than me. I wish I had said, would you wait for me? I wish I had said, someday I will be ready to be loved by you in every way. I wish I had said that I fell in love with you the moment I met you, even though at that time I had no idea what sex or romance were. I wish I had told you that one of the top reasons on the list of why I wanted to be a boy when we were little was so that someday I could grow up and marry you. I didn't know about lesbians yet, back then. But I couldn't get any words out with any meaning, so I rambled dumbly, clumsily pointing out that we are too young and I don't even know if I like girls or boys or anyone that way yet. And you cried and ran away. And I came back, either later or the next day, because you were my best friend and I loved you and I was going to tell you about being molested and I was going to ask you to hold my hand and help me tell your dad so he could protect me, since my family had failed. But you had locked yourself in your room and you wouldn't talk to me, and your dad didn't let me go up and see you, even though I begged him and I told him it was important. He said you told him to send me away. And I kept being molested, every time I visited that house where we were neighbors. And I never got to tell you, that's why I stopped coming over. It wasn't because I didn't want to see you. I got so dejected and numb and shut off to the world that I forgot anything existed outside the hell that was home and the hell that became of my second home, the place where I felt safe and alive, the place where I got to see you. And I never undersrood why I so clearly remembered my aunt asking me if I was gay, as we drove past your house. At the time when she asked, I had forgotten that you had kissed me that day on the swings. Everything from that time was so jumbled. I didn't even remember that you lived in that house. I didn't remember that I had a friend who I loved and who loved me. And I told her I wasn't gay. I didn't think I was, anyway. Not at the time. I never got to tell you that our chance backyard meeting, when you were at your grandma's house and I was at some relative's house, just on the other side of the fence, was the happiest moment I had had in months, and having to say goodbye so quickly was the worst I had felt in years. We didn't even have time to exchange phone numbers. Or maybe I gave you mine. But I can't remember if you ever called me. Until you did. And when you called me, I still didn't remember that we had kissed, but hearing your voice flooded me with excitement and then dread. I was so happy to hear from you, but it was so out of the blue, and I had taken a suicide prevention training class in high school because I knew how it felt to want to die and I wanted to help other people survive long enough that we could all get out of our parents houses and start our own lives. When you called me I still lived with my horrifically abusive grandma. I was 19. I must have been 19, because I recently found out that's how old I was when you died. It must have been that night. Because I remember now, though I'd forgotten for many years. I remember hearing so many of the telltale signs, so rapidly. I remember you asked me if I remembered something. I bet the question you asked was if I remembered the time we kissed on the swings. I couldn't remember it then, it would have been too traumatic - I had so suppressed and stuffed and pushed aside my reactions to the sexual abuse of my childhood that anything that reminded me of it in any way had to be locked out of my conscious memory, so I could survive. I remember that I started to tell you, I was going to let it all flood out because I needed to keep you on the phone. I had missed your voice so much. I missed you so much. I said, "to be honest, I can't remember much of my childhood, bec--" and I think you were crying and I tried to say wait please hold on I need to tell you something I need to talk to you I need you I love you but again you ran away and said goodbye so soon. And I ran to the living room and I said, "Grandma I need to borrow the car, it's an emergency" and she said no, and I said "I think my friend is going to commit suicide." And I told her about the warning signs that I recognized from training. I don't know how she stopped me. I was ready to grab the keys and yell "call the cops I don't give a fuck" and sprint out the door to you. But I can't remember what happened. I don't know if I ever had the keys in my hand and if I ever did I don't know how she could ever have stopped me. Maybe I couldn't find them. Or maybe I did find them. She minimized the situation, she said you weren't going to do it. I don't remember how she stopped me. I know I didn't believe her. I remember laying in bed awake all night, scared. I think I tried to *69 you but it didn't work. I didn't have your number. I didn't have your address. I don't know if I called 911. I could have. I might have. I don't remember. I didn't know your address, but I knew the address across the street from you. I don't know what happened. I don't know if I could have gotten there in time. I don't know how you did it. I do know I never heard from you again. I do know you were 16 when you died. It was a Friday the 13th. I don't know why I wasn't at work. I worked on Fridays when I was 19. If I had been at work and missed your call, would your need for closure have prompted you to wait another day? Would you wait for me? I remember not remembering. I don't know when I forgot the terror of that night. Was it when I finally, exhausted, fell asleep under the grey dawn skies? Why didn't I go to your house that night? Why didn't I try to go check on you the next day? Why didn't I find out what happened until 12 years later? I went on living as if it had never happened. I probably went to work the next day. I probably studied for finals that week. Why didn't I look you up, all those years? I mean. I did. But I didn't remember your last name. I didn't remember how you spelled your first name. Even though at your birthday party at the bowling alley I listened to each of your parents explaining the spelling to people and why they chose it and why it was meaningful to them. I remember my aunt making some comment belittling unconventional spellings of common names, but I thought it was cool. I didn't even remember that you were 3 years younger than me, even though I must have known how old you were turning each time I went to your birthday parties. I never got to tell you those were the best parties I have ever been to in my life, to this day. I never got to tell you I wanted to spend every day of my life eating cake with you and showering you with gifts and decorating easter eggs and swinging on the swings even if it was raining and laughing together and admiring your perfect dimples when you smiled. I never got to tell you that you set the foundation for my taste in women and men for my whole life, and I'm pretty sure it's because I always only ever wanted you. I never got to tell you I'm sorry I didn't steal the car and speed directly to your house. I don't know if I would have made it in time. I don't know how you did it. I don't know if it was fast or slow. I know you didn't know I loved you. I think you thought I didn't. I'm so sorry you ever felt that way. I never got to show you I loved you. But I love you. From the moment I saw you I have loved you and I will love you until the day I die. I have missed you since I was about eleven, even when I didn't know it was you I was missing. And I will miss you until the day I die. I stopped being a Christian long ago, but from what I have read, you were Christian when you died. So I prayed to the Christian God and I asked for us to be together in the next life. I begged, and I cried, and I finally started to grieve. Because I remember. I remember now and I hope I never forget again. I love you, Loryn Nicole Anderson. The world has been without you for 12 years and 9 days. I have been without you for about 23 years. I will never stop missing you. At least not until I can see you again. Would you wait for me?



Untitled (168) by lastchance4sanity on April actually got even worse that following week if you can believe it. I have a brother who causes issues with the choices he and his family make and some things came out that caused a huge rift. In a way the rift is the same size except me and the rest of the family now know what it really is. None of us have seen them in years... we try... but there's always an excuse. Now though my sister and I have plans for a Yellowstone trip and they might be part of it. Only time will tell but hope springs eternal. My plan is to be positive and open to healing and when they're ready I'll be waiting.

Of course 2020 continues to feel like the end of days lol but at least my town seems to be doing well. We just got a notice that someone is Covid positive in my building... so we will see how that goes. We're locally seeing a spike but it feels like no one is talking about it and we're all moving forward with reopening.... Untitled (321) by madeforsilver on Slowly falling out of love with the person I thought was my person has got to be the most heartbroken I've ever felt.

After eight years, I'm not sure where or how to restart. 1493 (170) by wednesday on Grandpa passed away during the night.

I was going to go see him. We all thought he'd last longer on hospice. I even bought him flowers. But I was too late to say goodbye.

I wish I could/knew how to put pictures in journal entries.

I only have pictures to describe how I feel, I have no words right now.

Maybe The Little Prince can help, as he has helped me title my journal site here ("Such a secret place, this land of tears"):

"You run the risk of weeping a little if you let yourself get tamed."

(tamed = create ties = love)

clarity (63) by perfectblue on it's been a little over two months and we've kept clear of nonsense. I am proud of us. In the first few weeks I would have dreams where I would make mistakes and I remember feeling a great deal of shame and sadness. Had I actually tumbled, I am sure the intensity of the feelings would be multiplied eight-fold. I love my brain, my languages, and being present. These treasures will be preserved.

Now there's someone very dear to me that's in danger. It's crazy, it's like my subconscious has been preparing itself for decades.

I've heard a great deal of people assert that there is this flow of water, "don't go against the current". It is mad to go against the current, I understand that now. I cannot be in control, I can only respond and even then those actions must be taken with great care and consideration. The truth is that I care. I am fine with saying it and writing it. To love is to be generous. Just as when a word is repeated, unmeasured generosity can lose meaning as well.

Love. To open up my heart is to welcome vulnerabllity. Hahaha my thoughts.

I can see the patterns. The flags are waving. The time to plan is here. All I can do is express compassion, offer an analysis, and plant as many seeds as possible.

I have death on my side.

I can say this because I have taken that path and I know what I would do in the case that it were a possibility. I am aware that my actions can create a ripple effect.

I can also say that the acceptance of death is freeing my essence from the box that is my ego. I will not be consumed by my ego again. I must find my way through these distractions. The words will come. I must read more and learn as much as I can so that I can organize the words needed to share the seeds. What is the objective? Share the seeds. I am not the person that is control of the reaction or repsonses... I will learn to let go. I accept death. I accept life. I have been on both ends of that spectrum and have made my way out of that prison.

I am here. [932] trampoline (514) by katgirl on another year, another update. i should remember to do all my vague blogging here instead of on twitter or tumblr, except if i do that, then i don't have the satisfaction of you seeing it.

i can't believe the only closure i needed was to know that you still think of me. the satisfaction of that is sweeter, because i don't think about you. sometimes, maybe, but so much less than i did last year. i don't even miss you. time does heal all wounds, i guess, even if it takes more time than i think it should. you still think about me, enough to check my tumblr once a week for the last year.

what were you looking for? what were you hoping to see? did you send her every post that you thought was about you? what's it like, being unable to move on and be an adult? what's it like still feeling so petty when you were the one who dumped me? cannot relate, and thank fuck for that. you're going to live in your parents house for the rest of your life, not because circumstance forced you (i think you could be something if you were able to commit to anything) but because the other options are too difficult. it's too hard to tell your parents you have a girlfriend. it would be too difficult to live together, even live in the same city. you are incapable of having an adult relationship because having an adult relationship means accepting that sometimes, you're wrong and you cannot have that.

i know i did some things wrong. not the things you think, of course, but i should've set better boundaries at the beginning. i just couldn't concieve that you would devolve so quickly into someone i didn't know and furthermore, didn't want to know. my mistake for giving you too much credit when everyone else around me could see the writing on the wall.

ah well.

i'm going back to school. i want a bachelors degree. i want a masters degree too, but right now i want a bachelors degree so i can apply for the jobs i know i can do. i want it to prove that i'm smart enough and hardworking enough and just overall enough. i can do it. i'm not stupid or lazy.

concerta was a gamechanger. knowing about adhd is a game changer. it doesn't fix everything (stares pointedly at the pile of plates on the table) but now that i know at least i can deal, you know? i can cut myself a break. i can come up with better strategies to handle it. i can think through and solve the problem, and i'm very good at problem solving. there is nobody better in a crisis than me either. i felt very alive when i had to help move the entire office out for corona in like 4 hours. i'm good at that.

sometimes i want to make friends with someone so bad that i forget how to be like. cool. like i'm not a cool person by any means, but i can at least usually hold a conversation but this bitch got me like....here let me scour pinterest for something funny to show you so i have an excuse to start a conversation. she writes better than you ever did. that might not be true but, you know, i'm a sucker for a complicated fake relationship.

the fun part did come back. it took time, and it will never be what it was with you, but you know what? what it was with you wasn't real either. not really. looking back, you left me hanging a lot, especially the last two years; at least with these people, i don't have the same expectations.

it's nice when someone likes your writing so much they specifically request you for something. i feel like...i don't know. something i haven't felt in a while. well-liked. i always know i have friends, and i love my friends, and i would never trade any of them for anything but sometimes a girl just wants to feel like...kind of popular? it's nice. feeling wanted. i forgot about it for a while.

anyways. my head hurts and i should go to sleep. i sleep easy these days (when i go to bed on time...quarantine got me fucked up).

~katja 13 Years (230) by hellboy on today, thirteen years ago, i got a phone call at 5am.

My dad was dead.

thir-teen years ago.

Fare thee well, 'Bap' world is a lonelier place without you. 1491 (114) by wednesday on "Over in Killarney, many years ago

my mother sang a song to me in tones so sweet and low

just a simple little diddy in her good old Irish way

And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me today

Oft' in dreams I wander to that cot again

I hear her softly hummin' to me as when she did back then

I I fell her softly huggin' me as in days of yore

when she used to rock me fast asleep outside that cabin door

Too ra loo ra loo ral

too ra loo ra lie

too ra loo ra loo ral

hush now don't you cry

Too ra loo ra loo ral

too ra loo ra lie

too ra loo ra loo ral

that's an Irish lullaby" 1490 (80) by wednesday on Aftershocks are still happening since the 5.7 earthquake.

Yesterday a 4.2 aftershock about 9pm.

Update: Apr 16: Another aftershock at 4.2 mag at 7:40am. I felt that one while getting ready for work.



Got internet for the house for the first time in my life. One for the history books. Internet for the first time in 2020. Call it a birthday present.

Takes nothing less than a pandemic for me to be willing to pay for internet.

Lots more things to do when I'm bored, a way to connect to people so I don't drown in fear or depression, opportunity to take some online classes, and giving me the opportunity to work from home if I need to.

Did I mention internet is a huge time suck? Partly the reason I didn't have it before.



My birthday is coming up.

Feliz's birthday too. Kinda sucks to watch a 7yr old have a virtual bday party and lack of presents. I went out and bought lots of presents for her just to spoil my baby girl. She's not getting much else. A birthday party with her siblings and cake and ice cream. Jackie just had his virtual bday party that they particpated in. Nicky says the worst part of a virtual bday party is no cake and ice cream for party guests, only the birthday person.

I've been gorging on desserts this week. By the end of COVID-19 I think we'll all have gained 19 pounds. Stress eating and celebratory food for my bday since nothing else is gonna happen on my bday. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Kind of mourning my bday or lack thereof. I usually go out and do something special, something fun. I was planning a little stay-cation within the state, a long weekend, but not anymore... Now its a perpetual stuck in my house thing. I've expressed my depression of my birthday and my age to others and they have surprisingly stepped up in trying to make me feel better about it. I appreciate it. I feel cared about. They know I like excuses to travel, do things, have fun, and how sad it is for me when I can't. Its like they know me a little bit.

On a positive note my stimulus check from the government came today direct deposit. Hey, if Trump is giving out money to stimulate the economy into working again... I'll take it. Since I'm not travelling this year I guess I can focus on paying off my mortgage.



xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxooxoxoxoxox



"Millennials are not partying. We and our anxiety issues are holed up working from home, watching Hulu, and yelling at our parents not to go outside. It's Gen Z you want."



"A note to society: Please stop saying that Millennials are behaving irresponsibly and risking the spread of the virus by springbreaking in Florida. Most of us Millennials are in our 30's, haven't had college springbreak in 8-12 years, have bad backs, and are sitting in our makeshift home offices trying to teach our older colleagues how to videoconference. I don't know who those kids are on the beach, but it ain't us. Our student loan debt wouldn't even allow us to take a week-long vacation..."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

How weird is 2020?

It's April 15th.

The IRS just sent me money....

the big Q (158) by skrewedangel on todayhas been another day of high emotions.

i guess we are all a little more than frustrated with being trapped in side. all of the time.

bad enough theres a virus. theres also shit weather. tediously dreary weather that just seems to make the situation even more depressing.

im not sure. what to say or do. not even for my own down mood. the brd seems under the influence again and my anger piled with emotional delay seems to be getting the best of me.

Things I Didn’t Text My Ex (124) by lastchance4sanity on "I miss you"



"How relieved are you you're not quarantined with me and a six month old right now?"





Yes, I am a superhero of restraint.



Untitled (88) by lastchance4sanity on So "Monday's" suck right?

Things that are true about last Monday

- It would have been my moms 60th B-Day

- My grandma died (not corona just old) and I can't do anything because...

- It's week 3 of stay home

- Mr. Beliez gets sent down south probably won't see him for 2 months minimum

- My computer crashed

I got the news as I was headed to work I thought I'd be ok but as my sister and I texted about it everything was coming into focus about how utterly crazy everything feels and how out of my control everything seems. My brother, sister, and dad all live too far to go to the funeral... and I'm too far to be useful. I can go to the funeral, which I hope we will still be able to have. I will be 3 miles from my last living grandparent who will turn 90 in July and I won't be able to visit her.

Most of my office has left to work from home, there are lots of logistical problems with my job but I'm trying to do the best I can. I'm staying in touch as much as I can,



trapped (106) by skrewedangel on it seems like a weird state to be in. stuck in between panic and not panic.

the purgatory of emotions.

this virus is travelling around and at first it was a joke. a conspiracy theory wrapped in memes.

now. i see the list of those dying keeps growing. the list of infected doubles.

by the end of this week. what will we be facing.

if it was just me i could not care less. but. it isnt just me. its my tribe.

if something happened to one of them. i know my rage would explode. i know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and handed back to you. i have been there before.

but. never let them see you sweat. we stay inside. we keep to ourselves. we hold on. we hope for the best.

Blast from the past (81) by shesamaverick on Uh, so I just found this online journal that I had when I was in high school and well... what??

Who knew that I'd rediscover this nearly 14 years later?

I am sufficiently embarrassed and incredibly emotional?

Ah, well I've enjoyed this trip. Maybe I will return 14 years down the line. (If I survive. Apparently there's a pandemic and it's making half the country sick and we've been quarantined for the past two weeks which is why i found this)

until the future... later days





If the world was ending youd come over, right? (103) by lastchance4sanity on I put on an Apple Music playlist that seems made for me called in my room... the first 3 songs just embody my feelings lately

everything I wanted Billie Eilish I had a dream



































I got everything I wanted Not what you'd think And if I'm being honest

It might've been a nightmare To anyone who might care Thought I could fly (fly) So I stepped off the Golden, mm Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried) Nobody even noticed I saw them standing right there Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care)





If the world was ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels





































I know you know we know you weren't down for forever and it's fine I know you know we know we weren't made for each other and it's fine

But if the world was ending you'd come over, right You'd come over and you'd stay the night Would you love me for the hell of it All our fears would be irrelevant If the world was ending you'd come over right The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight And there wouldn't be a reason why We would even have to say goodbye If the world was ending you'd come over, right Right If the world was ending you'd come over, right Right



Dancing with your ghost by Sasha Sloan

I stay up all night Tell myself I'm alright Baby, you're just harder to see than most I put the record on Wait 'til I hear our song Every night I'm dancing with your ghost Every night I'm dancing with your ghost

Never got the chance To say a last goodbye I gotta move on But it hurts to try

Untitled (77) by lastchance4sanity on Well 2020, you already weren't my fuckin favorit but cudos to you for taking it to an unforeseen level.



While Mr. Belize aren't in a capital R relationship it is currently the relationship keeping me sane. He's quite possibly a sex addict but in the absence of a Xanax prescription and my gym being closed he's my primary stress reliever. It doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm hilarious and he's a great listener. He's really my only person here in this very lonely time. I'm a bit worried I will loose him in the next month or so because he is a respiratory therapist for the national guard. But at this point he hasn't been sent anywhere. He is getting very tempting offers from all over right now though that honestly I can't believe he hasn't taken. One offered 4,000/week and would also pay housing and food. With him getting accepted into PA school for the fall it seems too good to pass up to me.

It's incredible to me how many people think we're overreacting and that it's "just" a bad flu. Bad flus don't do what has happened in Italy. It's not hypothetical there are real time examples of how fuckin bad it can get. A friend argued that Italy is an older population than the US, which is accurate- but we're a sicker population with less equality in access to care. So we very likely more vulnerable. Our 40-60 year olds have heart disease and diabetes in insane numbers so while they're not "old" they're just as vulnerable as a healthy over 65 year old. Boomer... it's coming for you.



Also... what does it say about us that we suddenly find ways to shelter the homeless when it seems beneficial to the health of the rest of us? Maybe it wasn't as unsolvable problem as y'all have been saying. Maybe this will be the thing that makes people earnestly develop ways to make Universal Basic Income happen.

... or maybe next year at this time it will be a distant memory we all repress. 1488 (127) by wednesday on And just to make 2020 even more interesting....

Woke up to an aftershock from a 5.7 magnitude earthquake at 7:09am.

Aftershock I felt at 7:15am being 3.7 magnitude.

A generous shake to the house, but not really violent like closer to the epicenter/main quake.

Enough to wake up most of the state. My phone went off for a little while after that with family asking about me.

Some people say bad timing in the middle of the coronavirus issue, but because of the virus we had most of the community shut down and started quarantining already so not everyone was out and about and there's another reason to stay home.

Well, given the stores are empty, we should all be good with at least 72 hour kits.

Still feeling aftershocks, hours, maybe days, after. Kinda making me motion sick.

No fatalities. Minor damage. Assessing structural damage at this point. The worst it seems to be a mobile home park shaken off their foundations with gas and power issues. Many people displaced because of structural issues (so much for home quarantine) and power is out for approximately 40K people.

All the while, with this latest upset, we are all still trying not to get the virus.

Coronavirus hit more close to home and a week later an earthquake.

We will recover.

One day at a time...

Corona, what else? (115) by hellboy on It is weird, that it takes a pandemic to connect people worldwide with their feelings and behavior. The germans didn't have a lockdown or school closing since the WW2 and most of them don't accept it.

As i can see on TV, a lot of young people still meet up in the park and having 'corona parties'. I guess that is just the youth, dancing on the edge, still not realising, that life isn't endless at all.

I'm quite happy to live on the countryside, my wife is at home since Monday and teaches our little one at home. We have a friend with two sons living in our village, that is so far the only contact were having atm. We have the opportunity to go to the forst, through the fields and meadows, look at the closed down playgrounds (they really put fences up). We will have a BBQ this evening, the weather is georgeous today and it was yesterday. We stocked up some food, alcohol and toilet paper of course ;-) I even ordered some seed for beans, cabbage, salad, carrots, tomatoes and herbs yesterday and will plant something in our garden, just for the case... I regret, that i didn't finish the chicken coop, so we don't have chicken, but well. They say, the food stores and everything else necessary won't be shut down, so i try to trust this halfway. What i wanted to say is, i really don't want to live in the big cities right now, clamped into your flat, with maybe a small balcony and no green or fresh air. I think after this crisis, a lot of people will move back to the countryside. We also have a small Cabin in the woods where we can go inbetween and just see something else, make some fire with the kids, so they can still have their freedom.

It is funny, i always liked the solitude and it didn't really change, even in this situation. What i realise often during the day is, how that virus is going through every winding of my brain, just the thought of the virus so far. Everything is careful in my mind, everything is concerned. That is really the hardest thing for me at the moment. What if? What then? and so on.



skrewedangel asked what is gonna happen if we don't make it? I think we will make it. And i hope we will learn from that, how important it is to take care of each other, show respect and step back sometimes for the elderly and weak. Im still proud of you and your reached goals. No booze! Good one! Like to read good news at the moment.

Also thank you, Wednesday for sharing your thoughts and concerns here. I'm glad we all can share our headaches here.

-be well all. 1487 (92) by wednesday on I was just commenting on the Coronavirus from my point of view so far, as some of this reaction and media is raising my anxiety, not to the point of hoarding TP and hand sanitizer and noodles, but still it helps me feel better to write things down, get it off my chest so to speak. The facts and my feelings so I can separate logic from my emotions.

I appreciate hearing about others' experiences also, so I don't feel so alone. It helps to know other countries are doing similar type of lock downs and hearing about their coping mechanisms.

I do feel for the victims and those that have succumbed to the illness. This came suddenly and spread fast, catching people off guard, little time to react and dying as a consequence. Victims of time, or lack thereof. I recognize that shutdowns will slow the virus, which is imperative right now, so we can take this on one day at a time and not collaspe the health care system and economy.

I too do not feel the pressure of trying to protect and feed a family during these times and I can see how that might be the cause of some panic. It's just me and I can take care of myself. I feel for the businesses and those workers who live from paycheck to paycheck. Work is all Americans really know. They don't know what holiday/vacation is. So I can see this impacting them in many ways as a result. I feel for all the businesses out there who make bank this time of year on St. Patricks Day but have had to close its doors.

I support all these decisions to prevent and protect, but I do think the hoarding and panic is a little out of control. I'm not the only one who thinks so when our government leaders are asking the public to calm down. Grocery stores are still open and will continue to be so, they just want to you to stay at home as much as possible and only wander out to the grocery store when needed. It's social distancing, avoiding situation, not completely disappearing, extinction situation. Not a bunker down and never come out situation for the majority of people, so far.

I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better though and I feel recovery time is going to be a long road for the country, for the world. This is just the beginning. After 9/11/2001 there came the recession for years and this virus might bring similiar consequences, but globally. The financial bailout with similiar results may come. It is all a cause and effect chain and it will effect us all probably for a long time.

We definitely need more National Prayer days.

Maybe there's a nicer way to say calm down....

Let's not forget what is most important.

the world is on lock down (96) by skrewedangel on here we are. waiting to see how much longer or how much further these regulations go.

im hoping the stores dont close. because then people will really panic.

worse.

im grateful that im sober. facing this situation. our money by now wouldve been spent even more.

on booze.

the weed is next. im striving for complete independence from all of this nonsense.

i hope we succeed. but. why shouldnt we.

ive been free from my first love. for a half of a year now.

i should be able to stop smoking shitty weed. overpriced. shitty weed.

i hope all of this nonsense passes quickly.

but.

what if it doesnt.

what will become of us.

1486 (124) by wednesday on Dear Diary,



The beginning of 2020 began with the Coronavirus (COVID-19) a strain of the flu we've never seen before and therefore have no antidote or vaccine. It started in Wuhan China, in a seafood market they say, and it is spread, I believe, like most common illnesses with the coughing, sneezing, touch, etc. It's symptoms seem the same also "fever, cough, shortness of breath", a general not feeling well.

Honestly I'm not sure how they separate it from any other common cold or flu other than testing it. This flu is fatal, just like the normal flu does, but this one tends to take down the older people, esp who have had previous health issues "underlying medical conditions" like respiratory issues or who are immunosuppressed. People in their 60's and older are dropping dead. But most recover from Corona, like the normal flu.

And on the subject of testing, because of how rare this random strain is and how fast it spread in China there may not be enough testing kits as it spreads throughout the world. But I'm sure the CDC is very proactive when it comes to that. It spread from Asia to Europe to the US. China and Italy I believe got hit the first and hardest.

The only solution we have so far is isolation. Quarantine. 14 days they suggest.

People on the cruise ships got a lot longer vacation than they anticipated. The old folk's homes, rest homes, retirement communities, hospice, BEWARE. Maybe this is the world's harvest and reaping of the baby boomers and elderly off the earth so something else will happen, something bigger, something glorious. I'm trying to talk like the dooms dayer people.



But on a worldwide scale it has infected over 100,000 and killed thousands. Jan 11 2020 was the first death from the virus, a frequent customer at the seafood market. Jan 20, 2020 was the first case in the US, a man in Washington. Of course they wanted to keep all that awesomeness in China, but they quickly learned this was going to be a global issue, which was declared said global health emergency on Jan 30, 2020. The next day the President restricts entry into the US from China or anyone who has been there the last 14 days. Then there began the deaths outside of China.

Feb 5, 2020 was a mass exit from China. Run for your lives! China is going to kill us all! They have a huge contaminated population they can't contain! There were little upsets all over the world at the beginning of all this about eating at Chinese restaurants or interacting with any chinese person or participating in the Chinese New Year or other cultural activities. Oy vay.

On a side note, Mother thinks China is testing in chemical warfare tactics and accidently created something and it got loose. Some people think this was created and released on purpose. Trump thinks it was to thwart his presidency and re-election this year. Cuz it's all about him.

The first American died in Wuhang while living there on Feb 11. Feb 15 was the first death outside of Asia, a chinese tourist in Paris. (and boom! There goes Europe) But then Feb 23, Italy is in an uproar with incoming illness.

By Feb 27 people are considering cancelling major events that have to do with large crowds. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints discouraged attendance to their semi-annual General Conference here in the state, esp international travelers, and soon other Utah state companies followed suit with their major events, asking people to stay home if at all possible.

On Feb 29 (leap day?) the first person to die in the US because of the virus and the governor of Washington declares a state of emergency. We've had the virus in the US, and we've had an American die, but this is the first American to die IN the US.

As far as ties to my home state, we had Utahns from Tooele and St. George quarantined and eventually ended up contracting the virus, but they were on a cruise ship by Japan at the time. But they were the first Utahns to be diagnosed with the virus on Feb 14.

March 5, 2020 is the first person to be tested positive in my home state, Utah. A man coming back from a cruise ship tested positive just hours before the Governor declared a state of emergency. (He didn't know we had a case in the state at the time) By declaring such it helps with funding to prepare, to be on defense for when it does hit our state. By then the other cruise ship passengers from Utah had come home and were in quarantine and taking test after test until they passed. March 10, a second person tested positive in UT.



Of course, President Donald Trump is all up in arms and is ready to solve this problem. How? The American way. Money of course! Throw money at it. 8.3 billion to be exact. Okay okay the money is helping to make testing kits and find a cure. I guess. But of course, Trump doesn't want to go down for this tanking his country so he throws his VP under the bus and tells him to be in charge of this virus thing. Some say the VP is not very good at public health crises.

By March 9, the stock market has taken a plunge sending the economy into a dither. The worst since the global financial crisis of 2008 (The recession, I remember clearly). In response, Americans (I'm sure the rest of the world is responding just as enthusiastically) went into a panic and raided ALL the stores of ALL their hand sanitizer, cleaning products, cold medications, bottled water and even the toilet paper. The last two don't even make sense to me, but okay. The fear is protecting yourself from others and therefore you need lots of hygiene products I guess.

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) came out early on giving the normal speech they do during the regular flu season of avoid touching, cover your mouth when you cough, wash your hands often. We all roll our eyes and continue our lack of hygiene like usual. But now! The people have interpreted the CDC as practically screaming "Don't touch each other! Don't touch yourself!" Don't breathe on each other. Don't cough, clear your throat or sneeze! Hang out with your friends at 20 feet apart. It has become common place to apologize for shaking hands on accident now. Isolation will be next. If didn't have social issues before.... we definitely will now.

The General Surgeon asked people to stop buying masks (as they do not effectively stop the spread of the virus) and the people that actually need them for daily procedures don't have any because the public went into a panic. They now have restrictions on how many medications and masks you can buy. My dentist couldn't order his usual order of masks and his reason is legit. He deals with peoples mouths, salvia, noses, faces, petri dishes of bacteria.

Personally though, the impact of all this didn't sink in for me until Wed March 11. The President interrupted normal TV broadcasting to announce a ban on travel from Europe to the US. First China, now Europe. Nobody can come to the US for 30 days, with some exceptions. (And he was worried about the Mexicans) This news sent families fleeing off airplanes while on the tarmac. The same day the Church announced General Conference to be via technology only. No one in the building.

But the kicker for me was the breaking news was that Rudy Gobert of the Utah Jazz basketball NBA team tested positive for Coronavirus. Just before a game! Which caused an exodus of the arena and the cancelling of the whole NBA season. During March Madness! I thought for sure, if the NBA has quit then the US is going down. Up to this point people are considering cancelling certain things and discouraged from large gatherings, but with this announcement of suspending altogether... This was big. I could feel it. And everyone followed suit.

The next day everyone is sending out mass emails cancelling everything, universities are going online, businesses telling employees to not come to work but to work via online while at home, to customers telling them they will help them via the internet, telephone conference, or video. Even the Church cancelled everything on the books (til April 13 is the date most ppl are going with). TV shows like Jimmy Fallon are not having audiences anymore. Mandy Moore interviewed with Jimmy and performed on tv in front of like 5 people and the Roots band. Donovan Mitchell, another Jazz player, tested positive the next day. And the stock market is said to be the worst they say since Black Monday of 1987.

Within hours of the Wed night announcements, the stores were raided yet again for said products as before but now also the food, moreso the shelf stable foods. I haven't been to a store since Monday when I bought lots of food for the Relief Society activity we probably shouldn't have held. But my roommate has been and she's seen the long lines, many shopping carts to one person, and the empty shelves of everything. I'm sure Costco was crazy on March 12, 2020. The fear now being they will have to self quarantine for weeks, if not months, and they need all the food to take home and survive, ride it out. They talk about "postponing" (cancelling everything) for a few weeks and some have stretched it out to 30 days, so I'm not sure if we'll all be isolated for 14 or 30 days or even more. Nobody knows the timeline so therefore they prepare by emptying the stores. Better safe than sorry. Ironically, by March 13 the stock market took a little boost, I’m assuming with all the consumers buying out the stores the last 42 hours in mass hysteria. Friday the 13th!

Everything and everyone is spiraling very quickly I feel like after March 11. Feeling the impact moreso in the U.S. now, moreso in my home state. I mean they cancelled church! The WHO (World Health Organization) declared this flu a pandemic. 114 countries reported 118,000 have contracted Covid-19. Nearly 4,300 people have died. In the US just over 1,000 cases been diagnosed and 29 people have died. (Facts in this entry I've gathered from the news, cuz ya know, the news never lies.)

This feels like closer to the end to me (even then though it doesn't feel detrimental to me yet) than any other time I've been alive. I survived Y2K, essentially the "end of the world", the recession, natural disasters plaguing the country, financial emergencies, etc. Nothing really, compared to those who survived the wars and depressions.

The consensus around here is this is all ridiculous, the panic is unnecessary, and the world is not ending. There's maybe 3 people in UT with the virus and we have more warning and instruction than China did. We are considered brave to go into work now. But now having a less risk state/country shutting everything down and creating a ghost town essentially out of caution already has made me feel just a little uneasy.

CALM DOWN PEOPLE.

a round about day (123) by skrewedangel on i dont know what it is im supposed to be doing with my life.

ive spent so much time doing so little and so much drinking that thats all that i think about or know.

and now im waking up and finding out that this sober life isnt as i thought it would be.

nor is it the worst. but im not nearly 28 anymore or even 35. and time seems a little more important these days.

i wish i had a friend. a real friend. one i didnt have to be pretend around.

one that wasnt so easily tired or offended.

someone different.

but i guess thats what everyone wants.

someone different like me.

someone different like them.

are any of us really that different tho.

really.

1485 (112) by wednesday on Watching my roommate being unemployed coming up on six months now is making me want to fly away from here.

If I were unemployed for six months I wouldn't sit around the house.

I'd go to another country for at least a month.

So not everyone could afford to go play for a month or more, but both she and I have the means ($) and she prefers to be homebound (even tho she declares to be a traveller).

I couldn't sit at home all day like she does. I'd go crazy. I'm going crazy just watching her.

Imagining all the things I would do, the places I would go, if I didn't have to go to work every day.

I'm saving up for something big one day tho.

When the boss retires I'm taking at least one month off and then maybe a few more trying to find another job.

I dream about Italy, Greece, Scotland, Ireland...

Boring tourist stuff. But still. History is important people!

Take a train and zoom through as many countries as I can in Europe before I run out of money. Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Germany, Belgium, Netherlands all the way up to Denmark. Copenhagan maybe. Or Greece up to Bulgaria, Romania, Hungary, Slovakia, Poland.

Sigh. Dreams.



Well I'm not dreaming about traveling currently with the whole coronavirus (Covid-19) out there spreading throughout the world.

I'm glad I don't have any overseas trips planned this year...

So for now I'll stick with dreams of NYC, Niagara Falls, Canada, The Redwoods, other National Parks in all the states as soon as I learn of them...

....maybe avoid Washington state for now...



This song describes my roommate perfectly.

Another dream; to get rid of her. Maybe there's some ethics of kicking an unemployed person out the house and totally cruel to make her move back home with her parents, but maybe it'll get her butt in gear and stop being lazy and picky and just take whatever job she's offered and place she can find. Way too comfortable being jobless.



"I'm in love [I live] with a girl I hate,

She enjoys pointing out

Every bad thing about me

I'm in love [I live] with a critic and a skeptic

A traitor,

I'd trade her in a second





She's a backseat driver,

A drama provider,

An instant update of the world

She's a first class liar

A constant forgetter

(She's attractive, but bitter)"



-She's a Lady : Forever the Sickest Kids

________________________________________________________________

I think this song applies to another person I know of also, but I don't know him very well. (attractive, but bitter)

Valentines Day 2020

Said guy was at the gym doing more exercises and exerting way more energy than I normally see him do throughout the week.

I figured it was because its VDay and there's no one to go home to or take out.

I'm in the same boat. I know how he feels. Maybe feeling bummed.

So on my way out, maybe it'll make him feel better about life, I wrote a quick note that says "I like your face" and put it on his car. (We've left the gym at the same time a few times so I knew which was his) A harmless little Valentine, if you will.

His car hasn't been seen since that fateful day.

He's still at gym. I see him there. But his car is no where to be found.

Sooo... ?

Did I take it too far? Or is he just super paranoid? A coincidence?

It was supposed to be a flattering note. On a holiday. Not a stalker note. Randomly during the year.

Maybe he's had stalking issues with other ppl at the gym before? (maybe he's so conceited he thinks its a stalker situation? Maybe he thinks every girl that flirts with him is a committment monster?) Maybe my note implied I knew where he parked, what he drove, what he looked like and I might know where he lives next? (And I thought girls analyzed things too much) Maybe his car died that day? Maybe he felt pinpointed when I could've wrote that note like 10 times and put it on 10 other cars and he'd never know?

Its been a few weeks now and I think HE's the one taking this "Valentine" thing too far. Seriously. Did he get a new car? Park blocks away? Taking public transportation now? Is he suspecting everyone at the gym and giving everyone that talks him the evil eye? Does he have a list of suspects? Wow.

He seems a bit touchy. But that only makes me want to push his buttons more....

I should feel bad. I should leave him alone. But it just makes me giggle so much.

Whatever will be will be (104) by lastchance4sanity on My best friend and I went to NYC over the last weekend. It was a pretty good trip overall. I had never been so it was nice to do something new... it was my first real trip without Brian though and by the flight home I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or what but I was a bit of a mess.

Luckily it was late and dark on the plane and my friend was all about minding her own business so I was able to sit there and silently cry with no one noticing at all. On one hand that was a relief because how do I explain what's wrong? But on the other hand it compounded the loneliness that I feel even when surrounded by and in close proximity to other humans.



I'm trying to move on... I really am... I have Mr. Belize who though he's not in it for the long term is someone I enjoy talking with almost as much as sleeping with- he listens really well. Then there's Mr. HR who is at "the place in his life" that honestly I would want a man to be- he's 40, good job, just bought his dream family home and is looking for something serious.... but idk... there's something he's holding back and trying to cover up- maybe it's not a big deal but it's something.... Then there's the ever-present Angel... who idk what he gets out of it, Idk what I really get out of it... but we do it... maybe just habit??

Then there's a date with a new guy coming up, Idk how excited I am... but it's more options I guess... just working the numbers at this point, right?

I tried to daydream about having kinds when talking to Steph in NYC and she was a complete downer... not even entertaining the possibility of it not being horrible... I'm just terrified the opportunity is/has passed me by and that's maybe one of the harder things in life: dealing with the possibility that some dreams may never be.... Oooooooooo (146) by daysleeper on I finally learned the chords to my song



The one this journal is named after



It only took like 18 years from when I first became obsessed with it



Life is strange 1484 (126) by wednesday on Speaking of anniversaries...

Feb 14 2013 - Feb 14 2020

It's been 7 years in this house I bought when I was 24 yrs old.

I think I "own" 20% of the house now. After 7 years....man...you'd think I'd have paid off more on the mortgage by now.... (I suppose I spent my money travelling instead)

Happy Valentines Day to mmeee.

I had new carpet put into the house on 14th and signed my life away the day before. So I hadn't moved in yet and only one piece of furniture in the house, super tall, handmade, wood table. But the Seller/bank left the oven and microwave appliances, so I came home with a pizza and nothing to cut it with. I shared the pizza with the carpet installer. Poor guy. I just had the utilities set up that day so the place was freezing cold in the middle of winter so we cranked up the heat and all the heat went upstairs and he about died putting in carpet by the time he got up the stairs.

Wait, How long does carpet last? I still had to get a fridge and washer/dryer. I had to replace the water heater a few years later. I hope I don't have to replace the furnace or A/C anytime soon. Yaaayy home ownership....

I bought me a house for Vday in 2013, I bought myself lasered eyes for my Bday 2013.

And Vday 2015 I bought myself a car. My Bday in 2016 I went to Paris and stayed up in the Eiffel until my Bday was over. My Bday 2018 was the Hawaii trip, but I didn't get to go until June.

Maybe my gifts to myself paint me as a little high maintenance.

Screw it! I earned that money, saved it, and I deserve those gifts.



I feel with house prices the way they are I'll never leave.

I can't afford anything else on one income.

The only way I got this house was because the U.S. was in a recession.



The only reason I'd want to move is the whole HOA issue though.

Never buy a place with an HOA. Never again.

The condo is just the right size, place and price for me.

I could do with some better neighbors tho...

But that's always rolling the dice every time you move.

I could do with a new roommate, scratch that, I'd be happier with no roommate, but I do like her money.

I'd like a roommate with four legs.

I like roommates that aren't so ...verbal. I think men and cats fit that category.

_________________________________________________________________

"I'm so sick of running as fast as I can

Wonderin' if I'd get there quicker if I was a man





I would be complex

I would be cool

They'd say I played the field before

I found someone to commit to

And that would be okay

For me to do

Every conquest I had made

Would make me more of a boss to you





I'd be a fearless leader

I'd be an alpha type

When everyone believes ya

What's that like?





They'd say I hustled

Put in the work

They wouldn't shake their heads

And question how much of this I deserve

What I was wearing , if I was rude

Could all be separated from my good ideas and power moves





I'm so sick of running as fast as I can

Wonderin' if I'd get there quicker if I was a man"





-Taylor Swift : The Man

Untitled (118) by lastchance4sanity on I feel another sexual revolution coming on... it has been almost 2 years since I really hoe'd it up by my standards. I'm going to sleep with 3 different guys by the time the week is out... and 2 are already regulars. Is it fulfilling? No, not really.... at some point for just a moment I realize I'm closing my eyes and imagining Brian. Sex is nice... kind of refreshing and revitalizing... but it doesn't hold a candle to making love....

Even their experience is different... they get flexible and uninhibited- which is great, I'm sure... but they also get the cold brick wall of emotional unavailability. Regular Meg is sexy.... but Vulnerable Meg is a drug.

I'm a little worried about the new one... idk that I can avoid doing a little damage when it ends. Fuck it all up in one night (244) by taxi on I just want to be okay.



I've got the opportunity now. I'm going to Colorado. <3. Formative (231) by madeforsilver on The Format is getting back together for a few shows and one of said shows requires only a short trip from St. Louis to Chicago. I am ridiculously happy and excited and it's bringing about all kind of nostalgia.

A very important person in my younger life introduced me to them. I fell in love with them as my young heart fell in what I knew to be love with him.

I believed I related to some of their more angsty lyrics about drugs and alcohol and suicide (I didn't).

I now relate to their lyrics about moving on and loving friends and loving life and dealing with bullshit (I do).

One of my first concerts was The Format.

My first tattoo was Format lyrics.

David calls their music "too hipster-dipster" for his liking. Everyone has their flaws.

They broke up 12 years ago and my 21-year-old heart was shattered.

But now they're back. And my best friends in Wisconsin and I are going to see them again.





And I'm so happy.

Thanks again, Nick. Who Am I Even? (115) by lastchance4sanity on A doctor at work today told me that life has peaks and valleys and it's important to be strong in the valleys.

Stand firm. Don't waver. You'll be high on a peak again one day.





Lately I've been looking around at my life, my world and I'm surprised at the loneliness. It's one of the lonelier times of my life, I think. I have friends, I do. I have plans. I'm doing things.... I'm dating... I'll go to NYC with a friend in a few weeks... work is going alright... my family feel distant but they're okay.

One day I'll be high up on a peak looking back on this valley thinking how lovely it looks from far away. it's real (121) by perfectblue on i didn't dream it up-all of it is real. although i feel a great deal of guilt and shame, I also feel relief and peace. i can't change the past but i can see it from a different lens. this shift is fair, compassionate, and not absolute. That gives me peace. knowledge can be painful if resistance is blind. in the end what is done is what counts.

yes, i've continued with my habit. i've let go of soul-crushing practices. i have a plan which is more of a roadmap with several forks. when i get there I'll work on making a decision-i'm taking this one step at a time.

i could go back and apologize however I don't have the desire to. in fact, I am at peace knowing that my feelings have been shown.

in short:

don't expect any help from me, be satisfied with my attendance haha.

generating happiness for you was never my job. your counselor can help you with that-there's not enough money or light in the world to get me to take on that task for you.

let me go; like really let me go-we ain't hanging out or even talking for more that three minutes.

and finally to everyone: leave me alone. 2020 (238) by hellboy on let's start something good.

Happy New Year to everyone :-) I CANT BELIEVE SITDIARY IS BACK!!!!!!! (538) by xxdanixx on I am so happy I found this site again it was taking me forever to remember my user name but I saw one of my old friends on here posted and when I clicked on them I saw my old user name so I want to get a big thank you and shout out to you I wont post your full user name but thank you doorknobs!! I'll update more later when I have more time life sure has changed over the years, I'm just happy to have this site back!! I check this sire before a few years back and it was down I just happen to be thinking about it this morning and here it is! 1483 (364) by wednesday on October / Columbus Day 2009 - 2019

My 10 year work anniversary for this office.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Untitled (342) by lastchance4sanity on About 6 months ago a once close friend from school confirmed that her marriage of 12 years had ended and the father of her three children and the man she thought she was going to do ministry with had walked away from their family.... I remember talking to Brian about how shocking and unsettling I found it. I had always admired them as a couple.

I patted myself on the back a few days ago because I cry only about once every other week now... which I was counting as great progress... I’m not quite as obviously depressed- I’m hanging out with people, working out, even volunteering... but I’m still very... very... sad....



My friend posted today about how happy and at peace she is with everything and it’s been hard but she’s seeing how much better things are now yadda yadda sunshine and sugar plums...



REALY?? She’s over the dissolution of 12 years and I’m over here still mourning my 9 months (though I and most should say the sadness is usually about the loss of what might have been not what actually was- which is so so so true) Untitled (454) by notlaudable on I’m slightly embarrassed that the last several posts are all me it’s a very intimate look into my days and it makes me self conscious. But between the lack of anything interesting in these posts and the fact that I need to learn to share, I’m letting it be.

Today was much better. I woke up early and shared coffee and puttered around a while. Finally I managed enough productive juice to prime some panels and then I spent the better part of the day worrying about what to do with booth. I never came up with a solution but I looked at it a while. Never came up with a framing solution either. It lets me know that I’m not actually as unproductive as I think. I just engage in a lot of creative procrastinating. Or at least that’s how I feel today. If there’s anything I’m sure of it’s that I’m not often sure of anything. I took Caity to PT and we managed not to fight. I started work on a self portrait I can use for merch and hopefully I’ll manage to get some things nailed down. Maybe tomorrow I’ll work on logo or business cards. I know Caity said she would work on it but I tend not to trust the quality of what I’ll get back. After dinner I decided to take some time to chill out and decompress. I may be slightly late to sleep, but it was nice to spend some me time. Untitled (188) by notlaudable on I've decided to take the week and wake up early. The original plan was to schedule everything and attempt to make and stick to very conscientious decisions. I haven't taken the time to sit down and plan anything though. Yesterday Caity and I got headed home from my parents late and when we got home I decided bed would be a better place than trying to find some closure from another argument.

We've taken to fighting a lot and I want to assume it's just the budget. But i worry that it's something more. I don't think I'll know until later so it's nice for now that it seams like something Caity is working on. The other thing I decided I would do is make a point to write every night as a way to wind down from my day. It will also let me look at my mental state as I attempt to change my sleep schedule for a minute.

Today was awful. I'd hoped to get something big on my Urban Arts fest to-do list checked off. I'd really hoped for either booth walls or frames. Instead I spent the day arguing with Caity over how it should be done and not really getting anywhere. It took until 5 or so for me to give up working and she spent some time taking pictures of my old works while I stewed. We finally aired some dirty laundry and decided to take some distraction time before she headed to bed. The last couple hours have been alright but I'm still exhausted and no closer to having a plan. I guess I'm off to try and get some sleep but I don't feel ready for any of it. Untitled (218) by notlaudable on I always love staying up way too late. That point in the morning when everything else is quiet and your brain is slowly losing the fight against reality in favor of some sort of half delusioned optimism. Everything seems more meaningful. More like things felt when I was a kid.

Somebody once said that to live a purposeful life it helps to have a defined narrative of what your life has already been. I wish I could say I have a narrative but mostly I just think it was a shit show. And I don't see that changing any time soon. Money has been pretty tight lately and Its really been dragging me down. Aside from that I feel like there isn't any room for me to breath. To be me. I'm not sure who that is anymore. I spent a lot of my life trying to be some sort of "good." But the more I tried to be good the more I realized I was doing it for some sort of reward and I wasn't getting anything in return. Losing that part of me that strived to be vaguely wholesome is equally as exhausting. Maybe the truth is I just want to be noticed.

Maybe I'm just rambling Untitled (310) by lastchance4sanity on This weekend would be a year from when I met Brian...

It’s also when I would have been due....

The family is getting together this weekend to celebrate and plan for my sisters engagement and I’ll get to spend time with my one month old niece.

I am so incredibly happy for those things but I fear it will just be pouring salt in this wound that is not healing. The suffering of temptations (404) by hellboy on Hey there. Long time no write.

My little one started his school career now and he is in the first grade now, yay :-)

He is growing up so fast, turning 7 now this year, i cannot believe that time flies so fast and leaves nothing but memories. On the one hand it is really nice seeing him growing up and learn new things, experience and develop to the gron up human he is becoming in a few years. On the other hand you really realise how mortal we all are and how you self grow older and will vanish one day. He said some days ago to me that i surely will become 1 Mio years old and live forever. Anyway he wants to have my clothes when i'm dead and i told him he could have the half of them and share the other half with his brother.

He is quite a rebel in school and we already had the first notice of the teacher within one week: he thought it would be a great trick to just lock up all the toilet doors from the inside and crawl underneath the open space.

So hell yes, he is definitely my son...

My wife is still very into her control-force about me. I understand that, due to my history and the history of writing with other women. But it is getting on my nerves. I dress better lately and wear what i like, i found out that waistcoats are quite nice and wabash pants and everything from the 30s to the 50s. She lets me now, after she tried to change me the last 12 Years.

I saw some beautiful mothers in school and they recognized me. I take that as a compliment and will not try anything else. I think i've learned my lessons. But one of them with this ice grey eyes. She is a classy woman, i guess end 40. She is the center of every room she enters, a really beautiful woman. Oh my. Well he´re i can write that and let it out a bit. Work is mostly boring. I have a managin position right now and just tell people what to do. It doesnt make me happy to work like that, as i dont recognise it as work. Strange um? In my last vacation i renewed the facade of our house with red wood. Never done that before and it turned out quite nice. Looks a bit like the houses in sweden. I enjoyed that. Next project will be to newed the kitchen. After that it will be close to winter again and i'll have to manage the firewood.

Strange that i cannot be satisfied with what i achived here in my 'job'.

I watched 'A Star is born' and i have to say i was totally impressed. The music, the actors and the story itself was great. I woke up with one sentence the older brother tells the musician at one point about his dad:

'The only thing he did for you was making you his drinking pal'

I'm really afraid, even though my dad did this already with my mum, that i will follow his steps and become an alcoholic one day. I crave sometims for a cold beer after work or just to come down in the evening. My wife is strict enough to say i'm not allowed to drink during the week.

I have to be careful with that. I know how quickly i got used to pot back in the days.

That'll be it so far. Love you all.

-be well Dear Nick (309) by dolefulutter on i don't know why you've been on my mind lately.

i've since been able to stomach the idea that i won't find someone like you. it was expected. i'm aware that you're not unique. there's a million versions of you running through my mind, and a million more that i've crossed in my daily life, but i'm fighting a cold, my thoughts, and my feelings and i don't have the guts to fight tonight.

you left, and took with you, the heart of a 24 year old me. come to think of it, maybe that's what i'm really missing. unfortunately, whether i miss you or the heart, the result is the same: i still think about us from time to time.

i've been reminded over and over not to dwell on regrets, can i just dwell on your aging face? let's not get back together and borrow each other's mind for a bit; we are overdue. the library is about to close and you are my favourite book.

all this to say,

I love you; don't ever change. Heaven help me (312) by iplaygames on Said whoa.'

A blindside.

a hook to the ego

you hit me with the truth of where our

friendship died.

when you stopped believing in me

when i stopped hiding behind our friendship

I think youre my first love.

Connecting with another at the realest level

shared experiences.

Miles apart.

living together

until we met eachother.

I miss you.

I might hate you.

Can your best friend be the love

of your life.

in the most platonic of ways?

or your worst enemy.

Heaven help me.

sf

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