"This will have to go to the top of the house." That's what Scottish TV commentator Jock Brown said in the immediate wake of the most infamous Old Firm derby of recent times. And to the top of the house it went. The October 1987 clash at Ibrox saw Frank McAvennie, Chris Woods and Terry Butcher sent off for aggression various, while Graham Roberts got away with punching McAvennie in the mush and later ended up conducting sectarian songs in goal. A legal inquiry followed, which took up 218 hours of police time and 74 hours of the procurator fiscal's, and fines were imposed. It was concluded that it had been a disgraceful affair all round, the likes of which nobody ever wants to see again. But do we really mean that? The answer, this being a respectable family newspaper, can only be yes. But do we really mean that?

Madjid Bougherra is back, but in-form striker Andrius Velicka is dropped in favour of Kenny Miller. Kenny Miller, though! Alexander, Dailly, Bougherra, Weir, Whittaker, Davis, Mendes, Edu, Steven Smith, Boyd, Miller.

Subs: McGregor, Novo, McCulloch, Lafferty, Velicka, Fleck, Wilson.

Stephen McManus is injured so Glenn Loovens is in, but Shaun Maloney is favoured over Aiden McGeady. Shaun Maloney, though! Boruc, Hinkel, Loovens, Caldwell, O'Dea, Nakamura, Hartley, Crosas, Maloney, Vennegoor of Hesselink, McDonald.

Subs: Mark Brown, Naylor, Samaras, Misun, Flood, Robson, McGeady.

Can they not be more specific about where the referee is from? C Thomson (Scotland)

Kick off: 12.30pm.

The teams run out, to a fair old bit of shouting, and we're off! Celtic set the ball rolling, and lose it almost immediately. As you'd expect, all that's going on at the moment is a lot of high-octane hoofing. Settle down, now.

1 min 39 sec: The first booking of the match, as Hartley slides in on Miller and flips him into the air. From the free kick, slung into the box from the left, Whittaker gets his head to the ball at the far post but can't direct it goalwards.

4 min: Weir sends a long ball forwards to Miller, but the Rangers striker can't control it. Then Boruc punches a Dailly cross from the right out to Whittaker, who has a dig from 35 yards. It's easily charged down. This is a reasonably confident start by Rangers.

7 min: Hartley's early booking seems to have made the Celtic midfield a wee bit wary; Rangers are first to every ball at the moment. Mendes tries to set Boyd free with a clever dink over the Celtic back line but - SURPRISE HERE - Boyd can't be bothered to run after the ball.

10 min: Boruc dallies with the ball at his feet and is nearly robbed by Miller. Celtic are looking slightly nervous at the moment.

12 min: Celtic finally show something up front, as MBM reporters' favourite Vennegoor of Hesselink races down the left. He so nearly manages to cut into the box, but he's robbed by an outstanding sliding tackle nearly (but not quite) from behind by Bougherra. Darren Fletcher, take notes.

14 min: From a Dailly cross from the right, Miller attempts a bicycle kick into the top-left corner. It clanks off his knee and sails high into the stand, much to the gentle amusement of the denizens of that end, packed as it is by Celtic fans. "Any reason for McGeady not starting?" asks Philip Hogan. "Have they eventually realised he's got a worse final ball than Arron Lennon?" That, and the fact Strachan simply doesn't like the look of his coupon.

16 min: Weir clumsily brings McDonald down just to the right of the Rangers box, near the byline. Nakamura curls an effort towards goal, and it's creeping under the bar before Alexander palms over. That'll be the first corner of the game.

17 min: And that'll be the second corner of the game, Weir heading a lame Nakamura delivery behind.

18 min: The second corner of the game is plucked out of the air with ease by Alexander. I hate corners.

18 min and a bit: Dailly is getting a lot of space down the right. He slings yet another cross into the area. Boyd attempts to steer a looping header into the top-right corner, but while on target, it has absolutely no pace whatsoever, and is easily claimed by Boruc.

20 min: It is raining at Ibrox. A lot.

20 min: Great work by Millar down the left: his bustle wins a ball he should never win. He lays it back down the line for Whittaker, whose inswinging cross-cum shot evades everyone in the area and clanks off the far post. Celtic are able to scramble clear.

22 min: Celtic have done absolutely nothing so far, but then they suddenly spring to life when a ball's sent into the Rangers area and only half cleared. Caldwell has two smacks at goal, both of which are blocked. Then Nakamura rakes a weak effort wide right.

25 min: Hinkel dinks a clever ball into the Rangers area from the right. Neither McDonald nor MBM reporters' favourite Vennegoor of Hesselink are on the front foot, though; if they were, they could have sprung the static Rangers back four and poked home. As it is, Alexander can calmly watch the ball skitter out of play wide left.

28 min: Nothing much is happening at the moment, so now's as good a time as any to introduce you to Special Man, guardian.co.uk's statistics guru. "There's been no home win in an Old Firm Derby this season," says Special Man. "There's not been no home wins in the four meetings since the 1995-96 season, when Rangers won the title." I like Special Man! And Rangers might too.

31 min: Nakamura leads Weir and Whittaker a merry dance down the right. His cross to the far post is tasty, but with McDonald behind the play, there's nobody on the end of it and the chance is spurned.

32 min: The ball comes across from the left into the Rangers area. Whittaker bumps McDonald in the back as the striker attempts to trap the ball, sending him to the ground. There are claims for a penalty, claims the referee - who is from Scotland, according to the specific official documentation - ignores. I've seen those given, though not so often in 100mph Old Firm derbies.

35 min: Hinkel pings one into the area from the right. McDonald heads wide left. Again he's at the referee, this time as Dailly has a hand on his shoulder. Rangers want to watch themselves here.

37 min: WHAT A LOVELY GOAL!!! Rangers 1-0 Celtic. This is superb stuff from Rangers, yet so simple. A ball's rolled towards the Celtic box from the left by Boyd. Millar picks it up at pace, drifts a bit wider left, and clips a cross into the six-yard box just as he reaches the byline. With Boruc totally out of the game thanks to Miller's lovely delivery, Davis comes sliding in at speed and slips the ball into the net.

39 min: Smith is booked for an agricultural challenge on... er... I'm not sure. It was a Celtic player, I can tell you that for nothing. Anyway, this ref, who is from Scotland. "I do believe referee Craig Thomson is originally from the fine burgh of Paisley," reports Jamie Campbell. "However as he works for some swanky law firm I wouldn't expect you'd have much chance of ever finding him there these days."

42 min: Loovens and Edu challenge for a bouncing ball in the centre circle. The Celtic man decides to go in twice, first for the ball, then to have a scrape of Edu's knee. That's a nasty challenge. Edu is down for a couple of minutes' treatment and in genuine pain, but it looks like he'll be OK to continue. Loovens, meanwhile, escapes unpunished. Naughty Loovens.

45 min: Celtic come so close to equalising, as Nakamura flings a corner in from the right and MBM reporters' favourite Vennegoor of Hesselink heads powerfully past the flailing Alexander. Sadly for Celtic, the goalscorer Davis is stationed on the line and, falling backwards, hacks clear. That's wonderful play all round.

HALF TIME: Rangers 1-0 Celtic. After two minutes of added time, presumably for the Edu injury, the whistle's blown and the teams trudge off, Rangers wet but happy, Celtic simply drenched.

And we're back again! And we're off again! Boyd sets the ball rolling. This is such a crucial 45 minutes of football coming up. "As an exuberant youth I did a 'fun run' round Bellahouston Park and was awarded with a certificate signed by Old Firm favourites Ronnie Glavin and Derek Parlane," exclaims Gregor Sharp, apropos nothing at all. Now, if someone came up to you in the pub and announced this without any prior bidding, you'd shuffle quietly away, wouldn't you? Unless you were feeling particularly lonely, in which case you'd strike up conversation. Read what you will into this email's publication, then. Did you come first, Gregor?

47 min: Celtic attempt to ladle the pressure on early in the half, McDonald busying himself as usual down both wings, but nothing comes of his early bustle. In fact it's Rangers who nearly create the first chance of the half, Mendes breaking upfield with purpose, but his final ball is towards nobody.

It's Special Man!

50 min: Special Man is back! "It's omninous for Celtic," he writes. "No side has overturned a deficit to win in the Old Firm derby since December 2002 when Rangers won 3-2 at Ibrox - and there have been 23 matches since then. Also, Celtic have lost the last eight games in which they have conceded first to Rangers." I like Special Man! I'm not sure Celtic fans will be liking Special Man at the moment, though.

51 min: McDonald looks the most likely to do something for Celtic: he rampages down the inside-right channel and so nearly breaks clear, but Whittaker is on his tail and forces him to miscontrol out of play. That was a decent run, though. Celtic have started the half much the stronger.

53 min: Celtic have a free kick in a dangerous position, 35 yards out on the left, but Nakamura's delivery is, for once, witless, far too high and close to the keeper. Alexander plucks the ball from the air. Down the side of the pitch, McGeady warms up ostentatiously.

54 min: Why hasn't Gregor Sharp answered my question? The strange man in the pub would answer my question!

55 min: So would Special Man.

56 min: Celtic are enjoying a lot of the ball, but aren't doing anything with it. It's just like watching Barcelona.

57 min: On the touchline, Gordon Strachan is taking tactical instruction from Garry Pendrey. I'm letting that hang there.

58 min: Hinkel teases in a delicious cross from the right, finding the head of MBM reporters' favourite Vennegoor of Hesselink, eight yards out in the centre. The big man's header is uncharacteristically weak, though, allowing Alexander to smother on the line with ease.

60 min: This really should have been 2-0 to Rangers. Chasing a superb defence-splitting pass by Davis, Boyd powers free of Caldwell in the centre and tears into the box. He must whack home, surely - but Boruc comes out quickly to make himself big, and Boyd hammers his shot straight at the keeper. What a save. What a miss.

62 min: "Even the subscribers to the rational Celtic fans' website, cqn, are furious that McGeady isn't on," reports Alec McAulay. "If he doesn't come on and Celtic lose there will be an avalanche of criticism; and if he comes on there will still be an avalanche - either he does well, so should have played from the start, or doesn't shine, in which case he never got a proper chance. Though Gordon must be accustomed to his relative unpopularity with the Celtic fans by now it must be taking its toll. I guess he'll slam the door when he leaves." Well, here we go, because Maloney goes off - and McGeady comes on.

64 min: Rangers have steadied the ship a wee bit, after Celtic's strong start to the half. They're seeing a bit more of the ball than before, though not much is happening for them creatively. This promises to be a dramatic half-hour of football (unless there are only three minutes of added time).

66 min: Davis zips down the right and cuts the ball back for Boyd in the middle. Loovens somehow gets in ahead of the striker, just as he's about to shoot from six yards out, and slices the ball wide right. The corner is wasted.

67 min: Hinkel, who is looking increasingly dangerous down the right, wins a corner after a Homeric battle with Whittaker. That's some good old-fashioned battling. From the corner, Celtic ping the ball around in front of the Rangers area for a while, before Dailly gets fed up and upends McGeady, 25 yards out, just to the left of the box. Nakamura steps up to take...

68 min: ...but his delivery isn't the best. Low and hard, the free kick causes minor bedlam in the six-yards out, but nobody's ever going to get a shot in on goal from that, and the ball's eventually hacked clear.

70 min: Lafferty comes on for Smith. You can almost touch the tension at Ibrox.

71 min: Lafferty's first contribution is to slide in on Nakamura and catch the Celtic midfielder with his studs. His second contribution is to look offended as he's issued with a yellow card.

72 min: Millar follows Lafferty into the book for arguing with the referee over the latter's yellow.

It's Special Man! Again!

75 min: "The referee likes chess, golf, squash and going to the cinema," reports Special Man. He sounds like a well-rounded individual for sure. A bit like Special Man!

76 min: Edu breaks brilliantly down the left and feeds Mendes, just to the left of the box. The midfielder fannies around, though, and eventually lays off to Miller, who goes softly to sleep, allowing Nakamura to scoot up the other end. Seconds later, McGeady finds himself in the Rangers box, to the right of goal with the ball at his feet. He shifts it inside and, from six yards, hammers a shot just wide right of the net. That's now 1-1 in great chances missed.

77 min: MBM reporters' favourite Vennegoor of Hesselink finally buggers off, to be replaced by Samaras.

79 min: This is all Celtic again. Rangers are beginning to look very nervous. Hinkel, Samaras and McGeady are all heavily involved as Celtic ping it around in front of the area, but the pressure's suddenly off the home side as Samaras stupidly upends Bougherra as the defender struggles to hack clear.

81 min: O'Dea is replaced by Naylor.

82 min: This is just going to be attack versus defence now. Everything from Celtic's point of view is going through McGeady; Rangers are increasingly relying on the raw energy of Edu, who is having a very decent game in midfield, and breaking up a good proportion of the opposition's attacks.

83 min: McGeady stabs a low cross in from the left. Weir clears - but slips as he does so and only sends the ball towards Crosas on the edge of the area. The midfielder tries to curl one into the top-right corner, but his effort is overcooked and flies high into the stand.

84 min: This is breathless end-to-end stuff all of a sudden. Mendes bustles into the Celtic area down the inside-right channel but dallies and allows Caldwell to slide behind for a corner. From it, Boyd is afforded an unchallenged header dead central, eight yards out, but powers miles over. That's a terrible effort.

85 min: Boyd heads a Davis right-wing cross miles over the bar. That's equally useless. He's had a shocker today. With this in mind, Walter Smith hauls him off, replacing his man with McCulloch.

87 min: Celtic win a corner and instigate an almighty scramble in the Rangers box. But Dailly, Bougherra, Weir and Whittaker are tenacious, and evenually push Celtic out of their area. The ball's dinked back in by Crosas, but Samaras is miles offside. This is tense.

89 min: Caldwell is booked for a ridiculously late challenge on Mendes in the centre circle. The Rangers midfielder takes his time to hobble off the pitch. I'm sure he'll be coming back quite soon.

90 min: There are going to be four minutes of stoppage time.

90 min +1: Well out of his box, Boruc shanks a long clearance. Edu picks it up, and thinks about Alonso-ing it into the net from his own half. To ensure this doesn't happen, Naylor hacks him down. That's a yellow card. Rangers are perfectly happy to waste time.

90 min +2: Miller sashays down the left and, near the corner flag, wins a cheap free kick.

90 min +3: From the free kick, Millar plays keepball in the corner - and wins a corner. From it, Mendes has a smack from 20 yards - but Boruc claims and sets Celtic upfield to win a corner of their own!

Special Man says bye bye

FULL TIME: Rangers 1-0 Celtic. Boruc comes up to challenge for the corner. Celtic can't do anything with it, though. Boruc doesn't even bother to go back towards his goal, and eventually the referee blows up. Rangers are top of the table with only three matches to go and their destiny in their own hands! What's up next? Special Man will tell you: "Rangers go to Hibs who they have beaten three times this season whilst Celtic host Dundee United who they haven't beaten once (three draws)." I love Special Man!