"I don't need mortgage relief. I've worked hard enough to own my properties outright.">

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

The Federal Government has estimated at least 1 million people could become unemployed as the coronavirus pandemic closes workplaces across the country.

While the mass unemployment of the nation’s workers poses a massive threat to the online MyGov portal who that wasn’t prepared to handle the rush of applications for welfare payments – experts predict it won’t be just websites crashing over the next few months.

The nation’s leaders are promising an answer to the plight of Australian workers, who are seeking relief from rental payments, which would also have to come hand-in-hand with a mortgage relief package. Which in turn, might fuck around with Australia’s famously unsustainable housing market growth.

An announcement on these measures are due to be handed down on Tuesday night when the national cabinet meets.

According to the eight thousand different real estate lobby groups, more than one in three Australians rent their homes – a concerning statistic that has rattled the Liberal Party’s priority constituents to their core.

The long-suffering top ten percent of Australia’s wealth-hoarders are now facing the prospect of having their tenants miss their rental payments, simply because the pathetic renting classes haven’t had enough of a go to put away enough money to see them through a rainy couple months.

We spoke to one of these Betoota Grove’s most outspoken land-owners about these new proposals earlier.

“It’s just not fair for those of us who worked hard and married well” said Elodie Brixton-Hopscotch (55), who owns three investment properties outright – which serves as a little earner on top of her husband’s recent multimillion dollar bail-out as a banking executive.

“Why should people like me have to miss out simply because a couple hundred thousand bogans can’t pay their rent?” spits a furious Elodie.

“I don’t need mortgage relief. I’ve worked hard enough to own my properties outright.”

“In my opinion anyone with a mortgage is just as unprepared for this so-called pandemic as those underachievers who only pay rent”

“Just because we don’t have bills to pay, it doesn’t mean we should have to grant our unwashed tenants the right to miss a couple payments”



“It’s ridiculous that rental relief is even being discussed in the first place. This isn’t the Liberal Government I voted for!”

Our interview then ended abruptly as Elodie fumbled with a phone call from her sister Bernadette who’s still being held in quarantine after disembarking the Ruby Princess last Thursday.



At time of press, Elodie was arguing with her 92-year-old husband Clyde over why she can’t go to her Tuesday night Barre class.

“Why should I have to change my routine because all of these public health sponges are clogging up our hospitals!” she says.

“I am a caucasian post-war Australian. I have never made a compromise in my entire life and I’m not going to start now!”.