OTTAWA – Just hours after the Gray Jay was named Canada’s national bird, the White-hooded Warbler has been named Canada’s nationalist bird.

“Yes, the friendly and resilient Gray Jay best represents Canada as a nation,” said Aaron Kylie, editor for Canadian Geographic Magazine. “But nothing represents the smug and covertly racist nature of Canadian nationalism better the little fella who’s covering my desk in white-as-the-driven-snow bird crap right now.”

The White-hooded Warbler (Caucasia dumbass) is notable for its dislike of migratory birds, refusal to breed with other subspecies, and for the distinctive ‘why-ites oon-li’ call that can be heard in economically depressed rural areas across the nation.

While there are other racist birds in Canada, like the Royal Canadian Mounted Parrot and the Uncle-From-Peterborough Owl, Canadian Geographic says the Warbler was the obvious choice, since it is the only bird to have endorsed Kellie Leitch.

“God, this shitty, shitty bird,” said Kylie, as the warbler outside his office window tweeted at him, and those tweets contained pictures of Pepe the frog wearing a Swastika armband. “I wish we deserved something better, but we don’t.”

But Kylie maintains hope for the country. In a follow up statement, he added that maybe, if we solved the water crisis on Indigenous Reserves, we could upgrade to a slightly less terrible bird, like the Blue-Crested ‘Nice Guy’, or the Canada Goose.

With files by Jacob Duarte Spiel



Image by Aaron Hagey-MacKay