I like to keep up with the news and every once in a while I’ll actually flip through my local newspaper. Sometimes I come across articles that are just too good to ignore. I’ve taken the liberty to transcribe a particular article I’ve stumbled across for your reading pleasure.

Teen Loses Perception of Time

Preston “Smokey” Potts was just an average high school senior. That is until he somehow lost the ability to keep track of time. The average person has an arrangement of delicate checks and balances within their bodies that act as an internal clock, but Preston, it appears, has inadvertently circumvented this system .

Scientists were baffled upon examining Preston, as there was no abnormalities that could clue them in to the cause of this disorder.

“The kid just…doesn’t have any concept of time. Five minutes and five hours are literally interchangeable to him. He’s got a host of other conditions that we think are rooted in this apparent lack of perception of time.” One puzzled researcher remarked. We managed to have a chat with Preston in an effort to glean a deeper understanding of his condition.

“Dude…it’s just…like…wait…what was the question?”

Preston’s eyes were glazed over and incredibly bloodshot, another puzzling symptom of his condition. He also kept complaining about an insatiable hunger and continued to suggest that we “order some mo-fuckin’ pizza or somethin’.”

Despite having copious amounts of water on hand, Preston continually complained of cotton mouth, something that leading experts theorize is linked to his hunger and his overall condition. “Because his brain doesn’t know how much time has gone by, it constantly assumes that it hasn’t eaten or drank anything. At least, that’s what we think, based on the evidence.”

In a small experiment of our own, we allowed two minutes to pass and asked Preston how much time he thought went by. “Jesus Monkeyballs. I dunno man. I mean, I…” he shook his head. “I dunno. A million years? Fuckin’ empires have risen and fallen man. When’s the pizza guy supposed to get here?”

The one things experts are certain on is that Preston’s condition is neurological, as he frequently speaks in nonsense, suggesting that another symptom is some form of aphasia. This was witnessed firsthand at the end of the interview when Preston said that he was “gonna call up [his] connect for another slice and roll up a fat bone.” We are still unsure what he was trying to communicate.

Researchers are working diligently trying to explain the cause of Preston’s unique disorder. As of right now, there is no cure.