Bitcoin is trading for a solid US$3,800 right now (probably like $1,500 by the time you are reading this, to be honest) and you’re broke. You quit your job in January and with a major recession coming up, it’s unlikely you’ll find meaningful work for quite some time. Now is high time to stretch that dang ol’ US Dollar (which isn’t as worthless as we once thought it was). You can skip rent and utilities here and there but, one way or another, ya gotta eat. Here’s how you can, uh, continue to do that.

Of course, you’ve probably noticed that other frugal eating guides place a huge emphasis on rice, pasta, and other cheap, calorie rich non-perishables. They’ve probably advised you to pick up some chicken to add to every meal, maybe a veggie or two that packs a good bang-for-your-buck, and the best places to get these deals. Of course, this approach won’t work for you. You’ve ordered in filet mignon from Postmates every day. You don’t have ample cooking ware or even know how cook because you never thought you’d have to again and you’re probably too depressed to learn, even if you want to. So without further ado:

Frugal Eating for Crypto Burnouts

All you need to do from now on is eat exclusively Little Ceasar’s Hot ‘N Ready $5 Pepperoni Pizza. It’s that easy. This bad boy packs 2240 calories and at a respectable price of $5 you’re looking at 448 calories/USD. For an average diet of 2,000 calories per day, you’ll spend $1,629/year ($4.46/day) and you’ll also take in a respectable 93g of protein, too.

Of course, this $5 bargain is also great because it takes care of your food groups: the crust is your grain, marina sauce is fruit, cheese is dairy, and pepperoni is meat. If you live in the US, according to the FDA, a slice of pizza also counts as a veggies, so it’s all covered if you reside in the greatest nation on Earth.

In America, average food spending among low class folks is above $6,500/year. The average for crypto nerds is like $15,000/year, probably, so the Little Ceasar’s approach is a huge money saver. Do it for a year, and with the way Bitcoin has been lately, you’ll probably have saved enough money to buy like 10 BTC.

If you want to spruce things up every now and again, McDonald’s $1 Sausage Biscuit is a great pick up. At 490 calories for each one of those bad boys you’re actually slightly better off spending wise than the pizza diet, but you sacrifice your fruit and veggies and cut down on protein (just 12g/biscuit) so it’s important not to max out on these lil guys.

If you are concerned about external costs due to sales tax just move to Montana.

Sorry shitcoin maximalists, but we will not be tracking our calories on the blockchain.