ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A 29-year-old Richmond man was arrested late on Saturday evening in connection to a vicious assault of a nightclub bouncer in the trendy, cosmopolitan Fitzroy area.

Nathan Robert Smithson, a devout Anglican, was charged with common assault and affray by detectives this morning over a physical argument outside the Smoking Dolphin Speak Easy on Napier Street, Fitzroy.

The assault left 24-year-old father-of-none Brian Partridge in the hospital with a concussion and facial lacerations and an inability to return to work for up to a week.

However, it’s understood by The Advocate that it’s the first offence Mr Smithson has been charged with, but due to the graphic nature of his crimes, it’s expected that the courts will throw the book at the young role model.

“That’s why I’m asking Waleed Aly and the Prime Minister to give me a character reference. It was the first time I’ve ever hit anyone and it was an accident. I just wanted to get into the Smoking Dolphin, have a few $21 cocktails and shake my can on the dance floor, but he said I was too pissed to come in.”

“I hear they give them out to outstanding members of the community who get caught up in this type of thing. I’m sorry and I immediately apologised to the bouncer once he’d regained consciousness. It was all a big accident.”

Although the CCTV footage of the incident clearly shows Mr Smithson elbowing the bouncer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, in the head hard enough to perform a full-factory-reset of the man’s brain.

“That doesn’t paint an accurate picture of what happened,” he said.

“I asked Eddie MacGuire for a character reference and he told me to go and get fucked. I’ve heard on the grapevine that he can be a bit of cunt in these situations.”

More to come.