There. I did it. I raced.



After 18 months away from competition, I took my shiny new race kit out of the plastic wrap and pinned a crooked race number to it. I borrowed a pair of spikes and weaved the dirty laces through the timing chips. I did my first ever prerace breast pump. I donned enough layers for an Antarctic ice journey for my warmup jog, and then awkwardly stripped down to shiver alongside the best club teams in the United States for the Club Cross-Country Championships in December.



The performance itself was semi-solid, like Jell-O, and equally satisfying. Much of it was spent lost in a crowd of hundreds, slithering between sets of pointy elbows, with no concept of place or time. I picked off runners one by one, emotionally detached from the lead pack I plan to return to one day.



To be honest, I was never going to be competitive in the race. I hadn't done the work yet. But I knew I'd have to race again eventually, and I'd rather rip off the Band-Aid than slowly peel it back. Every runner who beat me would give me motivation, and as it turned out, I left the course with 27 servings of it.



The first race back always turns me into an inspired, hyperactive spaz. My weaknesses are exposed, and I know exactly how to tackle them! Oh, my poor diary on nights like these. Luckily, halfway into the construction of my color-coded pie chart for 2014 success, I remembered something. Every time I have a moment of inspiration like this, I go overboard. With renewed enthusiasm to work hard, I develop a wicked case of amnesia for the hard-fought lessons of injuries past. Not this time.



I realized I don't need a pie chart. I need a list of all the stupid mistakes I've made in the past, and I need to tape it to my forehead. So here it is, which you too can use to get injured—just like a pro! (Or not, if you're really smart.)



1. Stick to The Plan. ALWAYS

The Training Plan I got two months ago may look like a bunch of scribbles on a notepad or cells on a spreadsheet, but really it's an omnipotent being leading me to the promised land and must be treated as such. If 800s are planned for Tuesday and there's a hail storm, don't even think about moving it to Wednesday. Do not adjust the paces. Stick to The Plan. Success isn't about the races, it's about how closely I've followed The Training Plan.



2. Rest days are for babies

I like to run, and I want to get better, so why would I take a day off? The hard-core don't take days off, do they? I bet Shalane worked out twice today. What will I do on my day off, anyway? Think about working out while my mitochondria evaporate? In one day my jeans feel tighter. There is no way this is from being hydrated for the first time in a week. It is fatness as a direct result of laziness. It's only 9:30 p.m. . . . still time to get in a quick four-miler.



3. Be a hammerhead

Must. Hammer. Every. Single. Day. If it's not hard, it's not doing anything.



4. Mileage is everything

Oh, the magical X-mile week! When I hit that mileage, it will be the true indication that I really want it. Crap. . .I just totaled my mileage and it looks like I'm only going to hit X minus three miles instead of X! I did a long run this morning, but surely I can just go squeeze out an easy three-miler before bed. Let me just get out of my pajamas and put on my "I'm an idiot" hat.



5. Ignore the physical therapist because you're faster than he is

My PT told me my repeated injuries are the result of bad biomechanics and weakness and gave me a bunch of boring, repetitive chores to fix it. But my faster marathon PR is worth way more knowledge than his eight years of medical education and experience. Plus, I heard from someone somewhere with no credentials whatsoever that your body naturally finds its most efficient form by running more. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, more.



6. Switch shoe styles midseason

My fitness has come around, I'm on the verge of a big breakthrough, and miraculously I'm injury-free! You know what would be great right now? Some new shoes. I've been wearing this style all season with no problems, and I'm just bored to bits. Suzy's shoes are so cute with their little fluorescent zigzags and minimalist zero-drop design. Let's go spice things up!



7. Starve yourself

According to this article I read, every pound of body fat lost is worth a few seconds per mile. Who cares if losing weight affects my hormone balance and makes it harder to recover from hard training? So what if I'm running really well already and don't have to spend a bunch of energy thinking about food? It simply can't be possible that my body is fastest when it's strong and healthy. Because look at her.



8. Cross-training doesn't count

I get injured every time I try to run more than X miles a week, but my peers run more, therefore I must run more. Adding some cross-training on an ElliptiGo or swimming is proven to "build endurance," but how am I supposed to count the mileage? If it can't be easily logged, it didn't happen.



9. Pop out of the car or plane and do a hard workout as soon as possible

My body has been folded into a paperclip for six hours and my ankles are as thick as Vin Diesel's neck, but there is a hard workout on The Training Plan and I am dedicated.



10. Get stressed out

Being stressed depletes the well of energy before the workout even starts. To avoid injury you have to lower the stress or lower the workout. Both of these things require thoughtful sacrifice. That's hippie talk! Don't give in. Stick to The Plan.



Some of these things you might think are ridiculous, and you'd never do them, but here's the beautiful, complicated truth: The better things are going, the more invincible you feel. Keep getting better and you keep getting crazier. It's like Frank the Tank. The more invincible you feel, the more you scoff at caution, the more reckless you become, the more you think you know everything. Before you know it, you're streaking the quad. And while nothing makes me feel more superhuman than a good string of training and racing, this year I'm putting my foot down. I'm not going to be an idiot.

Lauren Fleshman Lauren Felshman is a pro runner with Oiselle and Salomon, and Co-founder of Picky Bars

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