In a continuation of the savage impulses that gave rise to tribal warfare, the Norman conquest, and the Srebrenica massacre, fourth-graders Toby Parente and Liam Walker tussle over who gets a turn on the tire swing.

HAMILTON, OH—Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School.


As the students of Hamilton Elementary attacked and tormented one another on the school’s four-square courts and atop the jungle gym, sources confirmed they exhibited the same aggressive, spiteful, and often ruthlessly violent behavior inherent in humans since the earliest bands of Homo habilis began to fight among themselves ages ago.



“I hate you, Aaron!” said third-grader Joshua Stevens during the 30-minute recess period, displaying the hostility and senseless brutality that are a fundamental part of his genetic makeup and shared by billions of his ancestors, who even in prehistoric times mercilessly set upon their fellow hominids at the slightest provocation. “You’re stupid and I hate you.”



As corroborated by playground sources, the elementary school students went on to demonstrate the same tendencies toward tribalism and violent exclusion adopted en route to the formation of modern human civilization, bullying past anyone in their way as they sought out coveted seats on the swing set or one of a limited number of inflatable rubber balls made available for their use.


“Look, Aaron’s crying!” continued Stevens, who appeared to relish the pain and suffering of another in the same manner as his Paleolithic forebears. “He’s running away! Let’s get him!”



According to observers, the widespread tradition of mindless barbarism was also furthered by several children who, when brought to anger while climbing on the monkey bars, playing tag, or digging in the sandbox, lashed out with the same blind, destructive fury that has inflicted abject misery upon countless individuals around the world for millions of years.




Just as throughout its time on earth humanity has been cursed with an implacable rage that leads one person to slaughter another without reason or empathy, reports indicated that Hamilton Elementary students became caught up in a chaotic ordeal of violence and recrimination that led one member of Mrs. McNally’s second-grade class to scratch at and administer Indian burns to an adversary, only to become the victim of a separate attack himself moments later.



“Hey, give me that!” said 7-year-old Jeremy Croespe, following in the footsteps of so many before him who—perhaps consumed with jealous anger upon noticing someone holding a slab of antelope meat, a gleaming shard of obsidian, or a purse containing gold coins—have set upon a member of their own species with fists and teeth. “No, I was playing with it before. It’s mine.”




“He pushed me! Did you see? He just pushed me!” the frenzied, hate-filled human continued.



As corroborated by playground sources, the elementary school students went on to demonstrate the same tendencies toward tribalism and violent exclusion adopted en route to the formation of modern human civilization, bullying past anyone in their way as they sought out coveted seats on the swing set or one of a limited number of inflatable rubber balls made available for their use. Even as they lined up to return to class, many reportedly employed the inhumane tactics of the Mongol Empire, the kingdom of Assyria, and ancient Sparta by singling out and assaulting the vulnerable, the weak, and the fearful among them.




“Kara has a My Little Pony lunchbox—that’s so lame,” said fourth-grader Amanda Romero, joining with her peers to prey on those whose differences confuse them and make them want to destroy all that which they do not understand. “I bet she can’t even fit enough food in there to stuff in her fat face.”



Following continued discord punctuated by a shoving match between Trevor Martinez and Mason Keller near the basketball hoop, sources confirmed Hamilton Elementary’s after-lunch play period continued its descent into the ceaseless rhythm of callous savageness that has persisted since primates first tentatively balanced themselves on their hind legs, a cycle of restless violence that can be traced from the tetherball pole to the sacking of Rome to the Spanish Inquisition to the imperialist enslavers to the construction of the first atomic bomb, as humankind in its restive hatred realizes its most lethal impulses and spills the blood of billions upon billions.




At press time, schoolyard sources confirmed that one child could be seen picking up a rock in order to wield it as a weapon.

