We open this season with a flashback to Peter’s turn on the Bachelorette. We’re reminded that he wasn’t chosen by Hannah and shown him feigning emotion as only a SoCal fratboy could. After an extended preview we cut to present day Peter strutting around an airfield at sunset like a jackass. Peter flies his plane along the California shore in the most reckless way imaginable. I’m convinced that sailing and flying are God’s ways of eating the rich.

Flash cut to Peter and his parents, a broke man’s Keith Hernandez and a woman who could be the fifth cast member on Real Housewives of Orange County. No, not Vicki, lower than her. They speak Spanish and talk about their Cuban heritage and it’s pretty damn endearing for a show that makes it easy to be cynical.

We first meet Alex, who “waxes vaginas for a living.” You can tell within three seconds that she’s too normal and funny for The Bachelor, which really tells you all you need to know about this show.

Next up is Hannah Ann, whose bio video is an obvious audition tape for next season’s Bachelorette. She’s much more beautiful than her picture suggested.

Coming third we have Tammy, a real estate agent who we meet while she’s wrestling a man. She gave off bad bitch vibe during the entire bio video and the wrestling stuff really put it over the top.

Batting cleanup is Victoria P, a nurse whose elderly patients seem to always pester her about when she’s getting married, leaving me to wonder when those Obamacare Death Panels will be enacted. We then meet her family in a house that no one there can possibly afford.

Fifth is Kelley, an attorney from Chicago who works for her father and with her brothers. It’s a weird dynamic on its face but they seem like your average rich liberal family. Kelley tells us that she has met Peter before, in the lobby of the hotel. I have a feeling that conversation didn’t stop at the lobby but we’ll have more on that later.

Sixth is Madison, a daddy’s girl from Auburn who can clearly hoop but looks beyond ready to start cranking out kids and making entirely too much tea in an overly ornate pitcher.

Finally we have Maurissa (pronounced Marissa, because of course) and find out she won a beauty pageant but was called fat online, causing her to spiral and gain weight. That sure showed them.

Arriving at the mansion, Peter is greeted by Chris Harrison to prepare for the arrival of the women.

Alayah is the first woman to meet Peter, which is generally a not so subtle wink to the audience to expect more of her. They bond over both of their grandmothers being named some variation of Rose. There’s nothing there.

Sydney is giggly in a really abrasive way. She laughs about how she’s from Alabama and really doesn’t make a lasting impression beyond her grating laugh.

Hannah Ann walks up and over enunciates like the phony that she is. This is obviously a career move for her and everyone can see it…except for Peter who seems positively enraptured and stares at her while she walks away.

Lauren admits to Peter that she’s scared of being on the show, which felt like an actual vulnerable moment that Peter brushed off.

Victoria P. stuns Peter as soon as she leaves the limo. They do a “happy dance together” and his eyes follow her in just like he did with Hannah Ann. They’re the leaders in the clubhouse.

Mykenna is going to drive me insane. She’s young (22) so life hasn’t shat on her yet and she shows it. THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A FUN EXPERIENCE FOR YOU. She’s my pick for “voice of the audience” since the cameras seem to love her and throughout the episode she seems present at bigger moments.

Maurissa makes Peter pinky promise that they’re going to be honest and dance like nobody’s watching, which came off rehearsed.

Eunice starts our prop parade by wearing wings and letting him know that she’s a flight attendant so it’ll help her stand out.

Quick cut to Jade introducing herself as a flight attendant.

Quick cut to Megan using a prop to introduce herself as a flight attendant.

Eunice is in trouble.

Madison “flies” in on a big paper airplane and gives a confident but not cocky Southern Belle greeting. She’s going to be an issue for the rest of the women.

Tammy starts by telling Peter that she heard there was a large package in front of the mansion and frisks him, which is just as aggressive as it sounds.

Shiann gives Peter a barf bag, which isn’t something I’d want to be associated with, but what do I know?

COOurtney arrives on a janky airplane and awkwardly greets him as he tries not to stare at her ummm, I’m trying to think of a word that won’t offend my mom…uhhhh…tiddies.

Kiarra shows up in a suitcase on a luggage cart with three other suitcases that I can only assume contain the corpses of three other contestants who suffocated. Honestly I don’t know how she fit in there and didn’t come out looking like a sweaty mess, so kudos.

Lexi drives a red convertible up to Peter and gives off awkward vibes while letting Peter know that she’ll sleep with him eventually.

Deandra has a windmill strapped to her back and brings up the fact that Peter allegedly had sex with Hannah on his season of the Bachelorette four times over the course of one night and morning. Ladies who are reading this, come close. Ok, ready? If you and your partner are sleeping together and you two have NEVER had sex at least four times over the course of a twelve hour period, you should leave him. Now. That should be an abnormal but not unheard of occurrence for all couples! It’s not like he ate fifty McNuggets in half an hour or paid off his student loans by 30 or some other impossible task. It blows my mind how impressed the women on this show are about it and the only other feelings I have are sympathy and pity for the heterosexual women of the world.

Payton greets Peter by bringing it up and we cut to Tammy, Mykenna, Alayah, and Courtney making a comment about it. Then during Jasmine’s introduction the producers cut again to Savannah and Madison talking about it. Then Kylie brings 18 condoms to really drive the point home.

Somehow this gets worse. Victoria F. badly flubs a joke about her vagina being wet. Even if perfectly executed there’s a time and a place for that joke, and it isn’t a network TV reality dating show when you’re introducing yourself to the world.

Jenna brings a cow for some reason and she leaves her with Peter. The cow’s name is Ashley P. so I’m assuming this is some Lobster scenario where Ashley P. couldn’t find love on season 17 and now she’s stuck roaming the grounds as a heifer. Tammy and Katrina think it’s a pony and are drunkenly wandering around the house at this point. It’s important to remember that all of these meet-cutes happen over the course of about fourteen hours with an open bar so by the time the Bachelor is done meeting all of the women outside the rest of the women are somewhere between “awkward wedding drunk” and “21st birthday drunk.”

Savannah blindfolds him and gropes him before she whispers in his ear and kisses him. Yeah, she’s into some freaky stuff and would destroy Peter in about 45 minutes.

Peter immediately recognizes Kelley, tipping us off that they might have met in her hotel lobby after meeting in their hotel lobby ifyaknowwhatimean. Kelley tells the house about having met Peter and that he recognized her, which is a really smart power move that immediately rattles the house. We’ve reached the point in the show when the girls start getting more and more dejected as they realize that the twelve friends they made already are quickly turning into thirty enemies.

Nearing the end of the girls’ arrivals Hannah B. pops out of a limo to surprise Pete and rankle the women who can be seen scurrying around the mansion and refilling their wine glasses. She claims she’s only here to return the pilot’s wings he gave her during his season but we all know that’s a lie.

Peter then heads into the house to tell the women that he fell in love with Hannah and for some reason this makes him hopeful for dating them? And they’re fine with this? The audacity from Peter is stunning but I think he’s too dumb to realize what he said and the women are largely too dumb to realize it too.

Savannah and Katrina are hammered on the couch together. Savannah calls Peter a “dime fifty,” which either means 15 cents or $0.1050 or its just some drunken nonsense. Katrina says “we have to risk it for the biscuit and Peter is a really hot fucking biscuit.” To which Savannah replies “haha buttery flaky,” which is somehow a compliment and a clue that maybe these women brought their vape pens with them.

It’s at this point in the show when the contenders start marking their territories. Hannah Ann dominates this episode like LeBron in the 2016 Finals. She gives Peter a terrible painting that her father made of the Smokey Mountains and they make out.

Tammy takes Peter outside, handcuffs him, and pats him down with latex gloves before making out with him. I do not want to be behind this guy in an TSA line.

Natasha is boring Peter to tears by talking about books she’s read when Mykenna interrupts by throwing paper airplanes at them. Peter walks off with Mykenna and Natasha attempts to interrupt by bringing them the world’s biggest paper airplane. She’s shooed off but stays just close enough to watch them makeout.

Hannah Ann steals Peter from Deandra and tells him that she’s interrupting to show him that she’s interested. The sign of a truly good con artist is letting your mark in on a hint of your plan so they feel like they’re in on it too. She steals Peter from Shiann and makes out with him again.

Shiann confronts her and Hannah Ann frankly destroys her. Shiann says she wants time with Peter and Hannah Ann says “I want that for you too” and “go out there and make a run for it, girl” in the most patronizing way imaginable. She’s impressive and sociopathic. Shiann is left sobbing by the pool.

There’s a flurry of activity after Chris Harrison lays down the first impression rose as all of the women attempt to make one last run at Peter before the night ends. This culminates with Victoria F. embarrassing herself again. First, she hints at the joke she told when she first met him. Peter acts like he remembers but then asks her to repeat the joke about her wet vagina. Which she does. WHY? We see her sobbing in the hallway and Payton offers her a towel. It’s unclear if the towel is for her tears or her incredibly wet vagina.

Kelley and Peter have a chat on the stairs and he admits to having feelings for her. She has a serious leg up on the competition and it isn’t really fair to the other women. On the other hand, Kelley looks like she’s already had a ton of work done and has the kind of face where you can easily see what she’s going to look like at 60 and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Hannah Ann gets the first impression rose and the look on her face tells you that she’s absolutely going to break Peter’s heart as long as she can be the next Bachelorette. She’s so scary that if you told me she was Ted Bundy’s daughter I’d believe it.

At the opening night rose ceremony Peter eliminates Avonlea, Eunice, Jade, Jenna, Katrina, Kylie, and Maurissa. As annoying as these three hour episodes are I feel like the producers should really space out the eliminations to add to the drama.

The next day we open with Peter at an airfield getting more excited about planes than any of the women he met the night before. Shots of him clean shaven and stroking planes are cut with shots of him with a five o’clock shadow stroking planes, leading the viewer to believe that he has been at the airfield for at least 48 hours doing God knows what.

Back at the house Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, the Victorias, and Jasmine are invited to “look up” as Peter buzzes the mansion like the needle dicked show-off that he is.

The girls meet him on the runway in workout clothes where they’re greeted by two lesbian actresses female pilots who are going to put the girls through “flight school.” They start with the math portion of flight school which is highlighted by all of the women, except for Hannah Ann, who is sitting next to Peter (clever girl), thinking that a mile is 30,000 feet.

For the next “lesson” the girls get into one of those gyro spinny things that only exist in 90s movies and The Bachelor. Victoria P. has a flashback to a “traumatic event” when she threw up on a teacup ride at the fair. I didn’t know it was possible for a gigantic cup traveling fifteen miles an hour to give someone PTSD but here we are. She ends up going through with it and throwing up in the bathroom. She’s a trooper for doing it but if Peter was smart (he’s not) he would see that there’s zero chance she’s going to get into a private plane with him with her weak stomach.

For the final challenge the women are forced to compete in an obstacle course. For the first section, they have to spin in an office chair, remove a life vest from a plane seat, slide down into an unknown substance that may or may not be diarrhea, and climb a tarp in a wind tunnel to get to luggage. The first three women to complete this portion change into a pilot’s uniform in a port-a-John because reasons, and race tricycles down a track. Kelley immediately cheats and drives straight to the finish instead of going around the windmills. ABC, we get it already. Enough with the damn windmills.

Kelley’s cheating is rewarded with a one on one flight with Peter while Shiann cries on the runway. This is the second heavyweight to make Shiann cry in a 24 hour period after Hannah Ann broke her on the opening night. You aren’t made for this game, girl. Kelley and Peter watch the sun set over the California coastline and Kelley’s mountainous cheeks while the women shit talk Kelley in a hotel lobby. Kelley rejoins them and Tammy confronts her about cheating to win. Kelley doesn’t give a shit and another middleweight realizes she’s been outclassed. Kelley reveals to the audience that they’re at the hotel where she fucked met Peter.

Victoria P. and Peter share some alone time, which cements her as a contender but clearly in that tier below Kelley and Hannah Ann.

Shiann complains to Peter that they haven’t had much time together and immediately dives into a super serious conversation about how much she cares about him. Kelley saves Peter and he tells her he’s going to re-enact their meet-cute. I don’t think that’s suitable for network TV. He tells her to be confident regardless of what happens before lifting her up onto a bar and opening her legs before realizing that this is primetime network TV and crossing her legs. They absolutely had sex when they met in the hotel before the show and I’m legitimately pissed for the rest of the women. Peter gives the group date rose to Kelley *shocker* and reveals to the other women that this is the hotel where they first met. It’s a huge slap in the face to the rest of the women and he’s too dumb to realize it. Kelley smells blood in the water after Peter leaves and rubs dirt in all of their wounds. She’s good. She’s really good.

Back at the mansion, Madison is invited on a one on one date with Peter to “see what forever looks like.” It turns out Peter has invited her to watch his parents renew their vows, which is an extremely intimate and weird thing to invite someone to on a first date, and this is coming from a guy who once invited a woman to a wedding as a first date when he was 22 years old. The vow renewal is sweet and genuine but the constant shots of Madison cheapen it and I don’t know why Peter’s parents agreed to it.

They end the date by dancing to Tenille Arts singing “Somebody Like That.” The only music you’re ever going to hear on this show is awful country, songs 70 year olds get horny to, and elevator music. Reminder: if you were going to make a Frankenstein’s monster of Bachelor viewers it would be a middle aged Midwestern white woman heavily in debt to a multi-level marketing scheme.

The episode ends with the rest of the women meeting Peter outside of a theater. They walk in to find Hannah B. waiting for them on stage by another damned windmill prop. She details the story of how they met and tells the girls about the time Peter fucked her four times in a “weendmeel.” WE GET IT. Look, I’m glad this show is starting out as sexually charged as any Bachelor premiere but it’s getting incredible redundant.

Hannah B. tells the women that they’re going to share a personal story about sex, whether it be an experience or a fantasy, in front of a live audience. At this point I would tell her to kick rocks. I’m not being ordered around by the ex of someone I’m suiting.

While the women are preparing to debase themselves, Hannah B. and Peter meet privately in a bar where she’s crying to the point that her mascara is a mess. He consoles her and is somehow the only person on Earth who sympathizes with her. You can only look at this cynically. Either the producers are throwing her in here for drama because they were worried the premiere would bomb or she’s manipulating Peter so her fifteen seconds of fame won’t end. Probably both.

The episode ends with Peter floating the idea of Hannah B. joining the house. This is only a good move if he’s planning on dumping her in the worst way imaginable. It’s going to be a great season.

Awkward DVR Pause of the Week

TFW you tell the same joke about your damp vag twice on national TV