Every few months some feminist taskmaster will publish a list for her male sycophants instructing them on how they can pander to her arbitrary whims even more thoroughly. It has been almost two years since I last engaged such a list – where does the time go? – and so I reacted with no small amount of glee when Jindi Mehat, a guest writer at the radfem rag FeministCurrent.com came out with her own mewling manifesto entitled “The new Good Guy checklist.”

Although most feminist demands are phrased so as to expect an affirmative answer, this checklist is unusual in that a Good Guy must answer “no” to all the items on the list to achieve… nothing. This was not a negotiation nor a promise of redemption – it was just a long, stupid scream with no reward or other inducement for those men who undertook the checklist in good faith.

Jindi is quite clear that she is issuing work orders to the help:

If you’re a man who cares about women and, after reflecting on this list honestly you answered “yes” to a few questions, the most ineffective and selfish thing you could do is get hung up on your bad feelings. It’s really simple: you’ve been taught to behave in ways that create real hardship for the women around you, and you have some work to do. That’s it. Luckily for you, most feminists believe you can do better and you want to do better. So get to it — start doing better…[blah blah blah.]

After all, slaves get no reward – the sufferance of the dominatrix should be reward enough for us, I guess. Equality means men get nothing.

Still, the possible chance to say “no” to a slave master 25 times was too much of an opportunity for me to resist – the negative energy built into the list by design added to the power of telling feminists off? Oh, hell yes, I must check this list. The original items in the list are indicated in boldface.

1) Do you get annoyed when women aren’t as nice or quiet as you think we should be instead of recognizing how the expectation that women are nicer and quieter than men is harmful?

No! I get savagely angry, not annoyed when a woman acts like an entitled toddler having a public meltdown. This makes it impossible for men to be nicer and quieter than women – now that feminists have proclaimed their dominion over men and how we are supposed to act and think, we will fight you every step of the war that we are going to win. Your colonization effort is about to end in your utter humiliation, feminist.

2) Do you tell jokes that degrade women?

No! I tell jokes that expose and disrespect feminists, female or male, who think that men owe you anything. We don’t. You are no longer our friends and partners – you are our competitors, our enemies.

3) Do you stand by quietly while men around you say or do sexist things, instead of challenging them — even when women aren’t around?

No! I challenge them by saying the even more outlandish things that they have thought about feminists all along but have been too reluctant to say. I do this especially when feminists are within earshot. We do not fear your reprisals anymore.

4) Do you interrupt women when…

No! Shut the fuck up.

Actually, when a woman is making a fool of herself and looks with a plea in her eyes for me to come to her rescue in some social situation, I let her continue to flail about like a fish without a bicycle. My interrupting her to save her from further embarrassment would be wrong.

5) Do you offer women advice without being asked for it?

No! The spinach on her teeth, the preying mantis crawling on her shoulder pads, the toilet paper stuck to the ultra heel of her thousand-dollar Saint Laurants, and the bus about to run her down are none of my business – besides, she is a competitor now. Let her suffer the fruit of her ignorance.

6) If you think a woman needs help, do you assume you know what’s best for her instead of asking what kind of support she might find useful?

No! No matter how stupid she appears, as a slave, I have no business speaking to her at all – that would be catcalling, and feminists hate that.

7) Do you think rules that apply to other people don’t apply to you because you’re special?

No! I think that you are projecting your own attitude.

8) Do you take up as much space as you want in public, without thinking about the impact on those around you?

No! When I manspread I am well aware that women around me find manspreading men more attractive.

9) Do you think women who don’t put effort into their appearance are unattractive?

No! Because I am a tender, empathic soul, I think they are depressed, lazy man-haters with drug and borderline personality disorders. Such women are very attractive to men who hate themselves.

10) Do you think women who put too much effort into their appearance are shallow or superficial?

No! I am far too mentally engaged with sexual thoughts to care about their depth of comprehension or spiritual attainment.

11) Do you stare at women you find attractive, instead of considering how threatening this feels to most women?

No! I stare at attractive women in addition to noting how terrified other women are of them.

12) Do you offer women your opinion about our appearances without being asked, instead of realizing that we aren’t contestants in a beauty pageant you’ve been asked to judge?

No! I assume that all women know they are being judged on their looks all the time by both women and men. There is no reason for me to acknowledge this, or women, at all. As a slave, this is not my purview.

13) If you share a household with a woman, do you expect her to handle most of the domestic responsibilities or to make sure you’re pulling your weight, instead of actively looking for ways to do your fair share?

No! I always do 100% of the housework to humiliate her with her knowledge of her own uselessness – this keeps her thinking she is in charge when in reality it keeps her soft and me getting stronger.

14) Do you think there are circumstances in which a woman is responsible for being sexually assaulted or beaten by a man?

No! Women are too weak and too useless to be held responsible for anything. They are a lot like toddlers their entire lives. I recognize that there are “50 Shades of Grey” chicks who foolishly think that women can be responsible adults and make rough sexual choices. I find them adorable and give them lollies.

15) Do you think sexual assault is something women can avoid by changing our behaviour or clothing?

No! The best way for a woman to avoid sexual assault is to get married if she can find a man she can bamboozle into it. This will be hard since men are learning that they gain nothing by marrying women.

16) Do you watch pornography or go to strip clubs or burlesque shows even though they objectify women and contribute to the male sexual entitlement that fuels sexual assault?

No! I watch porn and go to gentlemen’s clubs because there is a strong correlation between the spread of porn and the decline of sexual assault.

Despite the widespread and increasing availability of sexually explicit materials, according to national FBI Department of Justice statistics, the incidence of rape declined markedly from 1975 to 1995. This was particularly seen in the age categories 20–24 and 25–34, the people most likely to use the Internet. The best known of these national studies are those of Berl Kutchinsky, who studied Denmark, Sweden, West Germany, and the United States in the 1970s and 1980s. He showed that for the years from approximately 1964 to 1984, as the amount of pornography increasingly became available, the rate of rapes in these countries either decreased or remained relatively level. Later research has shown parallel findings in every other country examined, including Japan, Croatia, China, Poland, Finland, and the Czech Republic.

17) Do you buy sex or believe men are entitled to buy sex?

No! As a MGTOW I avoid relationships with women. I think that men are required to pay for the company of women one way or another, just as slaves are required to labor without recompense. Slaves are not entitled.

18) Do you think a woman you’re in a sexual relationship with should have sex with you even if she doesn’t want to?

No! If a woman wants to show her worth to her man and “take one for the team” then one cannot truthfully claim that she didn’t want to on some level.

19) Do you pout or try to convince her if she doesn’t?

No! I pout if she relents and agrees! I wasn’t really in the mood either – I was just trying to make her feel wanted and attractive. Jeez.

20) Have you ever said “not all men” in a discussion about sexism?

No! I prefer to say “no men” to emphasize the point that all supposed “sexism” is a fantastical socially constructed boogeyman by feminists to manipulate men in coercive, non-consensual ways.

21) If a woman points out that you did or said something sexist, do you deny it and defend yourself instead of setting aside your ego and listening?

No! I am more than happy to acknowledge that I am impervious to her whining and then pick it apart once she finally runs out of steam.

22) Do you try to speak to women as an authority on women’s issues?

No! There is no “try” – I know more about both men’s and women’s issues than feminists will ever grasp.

23) Do you continue to associate with men who behave in misogynistic ways?

No! There are no misogynistic men in my life, only men that feminists try to shame with spurious claims of misogyny.

24) Do you think it’s women’s responsibility to make sure you understand sexism?

No! Women are far too irresponsible to be trusted with such important work.

25) Do you expect to be rewarded or praised for not being sexist?

No! First, women have nothing to offer me that I would see as a reward. Second, praise from women is the master teasing the slave. Third, since feminists think everything is sexist, I think they will never stop using bogus charges of sexism as a tool of emotional abuse against men.

Oh, dear God, that was great! Let’s do it again soon, feminists, while you still can.