WASHINGTON D.C.—In a press conference this morning, Barack Obama ordered flags to stay at half-staff indefinitely.

Citing Republican criticism for failing to orders flags at half-staff for the the marines killed in an attack last Thursday in Chattanooga, TENN., Obama said he wanted everyone to “just shut up for a minute.”

“Our great nation has seen equally great turmoil as it has seen the death of far too many before their time,” said Obama. “We also have men and woman of noble character whom deserve respect for their passing.

“With this new order we can respect their courage forever and always with our flags left at half-staff every day.”

A misty-eyed Obama explained the new policy, which he referred to as “half-staff forevs,” should symbolically reflect how things are so sad that he doesn’t even get out of bed until noon some days, and how on most days he just avoids the news altogether.

The president noted that flags would now be lowered to quarter-staff in the case of a “super-special tragedy.”

“Instead of having to listen to harsh criticisms from some of the same ignorant motherfuckers that support a candidate that shit on the sacrifice of American POW’s, I can now focus my time and energy on actual presidential shit like foreign relations, homeland security, and appearing on late night television and podcasts,” said Obama. “The states have the right to order these things and they can have that power. I’m too old for this shit.”

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