AURORA, IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible, 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this crazy, pie-in-the-sky idea that I could one day be valued and admired by those around me, but now look at me,” said a downtrodden Krissel, who after a long sigh, added that pursuing happiness and self-worth ended up being nothing more than a crazy fantasy. “Sure, it was insane, but I thought if I worked hard and dedicated myself, I could make myself someone that people actually enjoyed being around. But I guess my friends and family were right. I should have just stuck to being a reviled piece of shit in my hometown like everyone else instead of pissing away my twenties and thirties. Why did I even try?” At press time, a dejected Krissel told reporters he hoped his story could one day serve as a cautionary tale to young people hoping to lead a meaningful life full of emotional satisfaction.

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