Have you heard of positive and negative core beliefs before? These are the beliefs we hold of ourselves, other people, and the world based on our life experiences. Positive and negative core beliefs happen as a result of decisions or interpretations we make about situations we encounter.

For example, when a child tries to build a tower, but it keeps falling, and the parents respond with “That tower building stuff is tricky. It looks like you’re really thinking about how to make this work,” the child is likely to believe (s)he is capable of figuring it out and might develop positive core beliefs.

In the same situation with a falling tower, consider the effect if the response to the child was this: “Stop doing that if it’s going to make you mad—it looks too hard for you. It’s not worth it.” A negative core belief of not being capable or giving up when things are hard might develop.

Here are three ways to foster the growth of positive core beliefs:

1. USE STRENGTH-BASED, SUPPORTIVE LANGUAGE

In order to foster the growth of positive core beliefs, focus on using strength-based and supportive language. At the same time, reduce the kinds of speaking that triggers our children’s defenses and coping mechanisms like: name calling, judgment, lecturing, blaming, shaming (saying things to embarrass them), demoralizing (pointing out what they are doing wrong), and threatening.

What is strength-based and supportive language? It is language where we focus on the effort, not on the result. And importantly, to correct them in a way that teaches a better way. Use language that shows your child you understand the outburst that happened, but it is important to do things differently the next time.

For example, “I heard you yell at your coach today. It can feel pretty hard to keep it together when we’re in the zone for a game, but it’s not okay to be hard on others. Let’s talk about a plan to manage anger if it happens again.”

Think about how you can teach your child to behave more appropriately rather than snapping at him or her for losing their cool.

2. SEPARATE THE CHILD FROM HIS OR HER BEHAVIOUR

When a child doesn’t follow instructions, breaks something, doesn’t follow the rules or talks back, parents can correct the behaviour without attacking the personality of the child. Look at the misbehaviour as a mistake, not as a personality flaw.

Remind ourselves that mistakes happen for lots of reasons. Perhaps the child is exhausted, frustrated, tired or hungry, or simply hasn’t learned the skill she needs to prevent this mistake. We can’t get mad at a child for pouring her cereal onto a plate if we haven’t gone through the steps of showing her how to get her own cereal.

We also can’t get mad at a child for being mad. If parents start coaching their children at the toddler age how to process emotions, and repeatedly walk through calm-down steps to develop rational thought, two-to-four year olds are still likely to throw, hit, bite, and freak out. It takes several years to grow the automatic response of calming when emotions surge.

Don’t see your child’s inability to stop a freak out as a failure of his character, but more as an opportunity for more practice. There are still a great number of adults who have a very hard time reeling in the strong instinctual reaction to freak out; it takes time to develop calming skills.

They key to doing this is to separate the child’s behaviour from who he or she is as a person. Look at the misbehaviour as a mistake, not as a personality flaw.

Here are some examples to show you how to do that:

3. TRY THESE POSITIVE WORD CHOICES

Tricky

Use this word instead of hard, which can feel rigid and impossible. Tricky implies there is challenge involved but it’s a matter of maneuvering through the trickiness—to figure out a way through the maze—but that there is a way!

This is what I mean: “Wow. Tying shoes is tricky. Would you like to take a break, try again, or some help?” (I call this the “frustration mantra.”)

“It can be tricky not to hit your brother when you are mad, but that’s what we have to do. Hitting is not okay.” And then talk about a calm-down plan to handle big feelings.

You May… instead of Can you… Please… or Would you…

Please put your boots on, Can you put your boots on, or Would you like to put your boots on give your child an opportunity to say no. Using, “you may” let’s your child know what needs to happen next… and in a friendly manner.

Sure

Focus on what CAN happen rather than what cannot.

Children are likely to feel a push to do the opposite of what you tell them (that’s called “counterwill”) when they hear, “No,” and “Don’t,” or “Stop!” much of the day. Think of how you can word things to reduce the use of those words.

Adopt a “sure” attitude: “Sure, you can do that. (These are the conditions to make that happen.)” For example, If a child is jumping on the sofa, instead of saying, “Stop jumping!” or “Get down! Don’t do that,” say: “It looks like you want to jump. The jumping spot is over there. Sofas are for sitting.”

If you would like more information about core beliefs, I recommend reading my full-length eBook, where I dedicated the first section to understanding those. Also, I created an app (for iPhone & Android), called Taming Tantrums, which is full of positive phrases to boost positive core beliefs. Do you have any questions? Please do ask those here or over on my Facebook page.