It doesn’t take a genius to respect the war dead. I managed to do it aged 13 on a school trip to the Somme – and I didn’t become a genius until the following academic year. But – and you knew this was coming – it seemed too difficult for one man: the president of the United States. Trump blamed the weather grounding his helicopter for his no-show at a memorial to American soldiers (there was some light rain), and then, when people pointed out he could have just driven there, said he didn’t want to be mean to all the Parisians by causing traffic. As excuses go, this is like a bald guy saying he is staying in to wash his hair.

Trump ditched cemetery visit to avoid causing Paris traffic jams, says Sanders Read more

But the weekend in France was another chance to see the Trumps-Macrons in action, the double date to end all à deux couples. As with the foursome’s last meetup, the rendezvous left us with some truly iconic imagery, and a possible mainstream comeback for body language expert Judi James. So, without further ado, let’s break it down.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Melania stayed at home while Cousin Itt accompanied Trump. Photograph: Christian Hartmann/Reuters

The internet is obsessed with the idea that Melania has a body double. This photo proves that she does. And that body double is Cousin Itt from The Addams Family. All of your Photoshopping was a waste of time, the truth will always out. Or in this case, always Itt.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘François, you always go overboard with the accessories!’ Photograph: John van Hasselt - Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images

You know how quite often with successful pop bands it turns out that in their formative, pre-famous days there was an extra member, who left early on because for whatever reason they didn’t quite gel with the group? Who later kicks themselves having missed out on fame and fortune, but at least gets to tell The Sun’s Bizarre section all about it for a one-off payment? That’s that guy on the left.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Wife Swap: Presidents’ Edition. Photograph: Vincent Kessler/Reuters

This pic looks like two of the couples on Strictly Come Dancing having affairs but who decide to save the media some bother by having them in the same place. Either that, or the end of a swingers party at 5am, when the sun’s coming up and everybody’s checking they’ve got their keys back before leaving.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Presidents on the verge of a conscious uncoupling. Photograph: UPI/Barcroft Images

A different coupling. Macron’s downturned mouth. Trump’s unhappy expression but with thumbs up. This is the long lens shot the paparazzi take of a celeb couple on the verge of a breakup, but who try to hide it when they spot the photographers while “out for breakfast to talk things over, dressed casually, looking upset”. Then days later – one half since seen without their wedding band – we learn that the pint-sized president has moved out of their shared Hampstead home (bought for £1.8m in 2013), but the couple remain dedicated to supporting one another as friends. Please respect their privacy at this difficult time. Or read about it in the next Christopher Steele dossier.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Sabre-rattling, à la française Photograph: Ludovic Marin/AFP/Getty Images

Brigitte here wears an outfit that has studs all round the sides like how chairs are upholstered in National Trust properties. Melania is dressed in a black ensemble, with black leather gloves, as if she’s merely dropping by before attending the funeral of a big name in the BDSM world. (Some sort of whipping accident, apparently).

Facebook Twitter Pinterest It’s all going up in smoke! Photograph: Laurent Chamussy/SIPA/REX/Shutterstock

TONIGHT MATTHEW, WE’RE GOING TO BE …

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Copping a feel, ’cos when you’re a star they let you do it. Photograph: Jacquelyn Martin/AP

This is Macron touching Trump’s knee, which seems to make him quite uncomfortable. Because it’s outrageous really, isn’t it, that one should just reach out and touch another person’s body like that? Just sort of, take away the agency over their anatomy. Grab ’em by the knee, almost.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest All is not well under the skin. Photograph: Carlos Barría/Reuters

Will Mueller investigate what’s going on with Trump’s hand? Add it to the list.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Going out on the razz à la DFS. Photograph: Lucas Barioulet/AFP/Getty Images

Time for Brigitte and Melania to get ready to go “out out”, up for a cheeky sesh on the pinot grigio, amirite ladies? Unfortunately, Melania seems to have come dressed as a DFS sofa in “charcoal grey”. (Actually, can we just put this to bed once and for all? Charcoal is black.) Once again, the first lady is shoulder-robing, which begs the question: does Melania have functioning shoulders? Probably not. But she is a DFS sofa, so she has arms.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Wake up! Photograph: Christian Hartmann/Pool/EPA

Donald Trump holding an umbrella. Which proves he at least knows how to hold one, if not close one, instead preferring to throw them out of stationary airplanes, leaving them to bounce around forlornly in the wind. Sort of a metaphor for the Left, to be honest.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Merkel: ‘LOL I think the penny’s started to drop.’ Photograph: Benoit Tessier/Pool/EPA

This is a photo of a man who has just worked out that Paris is not in Germany. And that WWI stands for World War One, and not World War The-Capital-Letter-I.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘But I could have sworn ...’ Photograph: Christian Hartmann/AFP/Getty Images

This is a beautiful shot of some crisp, ochre autumn leaves ruined by a human tornado of bigoted stupidity. That’s probably not what he is reflecting on. Much more likely it’s about the Paris not being in Germany thing. Remember how when the Macrons visited Washington they brought a gift of an oak tree that had grown from a first world war battlefield? Neither does Trump.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Caught in the act back on home turf. Photograph: REX/Shutterstock

Finally, back in the US, the Trumps were photographed in a way that made them look as though they were trespassing on a golf course in the dead of night, and had been caught by a security guard flashing a torch directly into their faces and threatening to turn on the sprinklers. In fact, it was just the White House lawn they were on; but there is a reason – many actually – why these two always look as if they are up to no good.

• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist