Insuring Madness

Apparently if you want the insurance company to give you money, you must fill out lots of forms. And you can’t just say what broke and how much it costs. You must chronicle its history.

Item - Blue Bean Bag Chair

Number the item - I number thee 12!

Please state the quantity of this item - You really only need one bean bag chair. Any more and you can’t convince your friends you bought it ironically.

Please give a detailed description of the item - Well, it’s blue. Imagine a giant smurf testicle. If you sit in it too fast, air escapes and it makes a wheezing sound. I’m just going to put “wheezing smurf testicle.”

Brand name and model number - Smurf-sack 3000

Where was the item purchased - The Internet

Age of item - I think it would be impolite to ask.

Today’s Repair Cost/Replacement Cost/Amount of Loss

Repair is not an option. It was filled with toxic sludge. The bean innards are forever tainted.

I am embarrassed by how much I paid for a bean bag chair. Perhaps you could just google it and save me this humiliation.

As for the amount of loss… I feel saddened to the depths of my bowels. It is like an old friend was swept away and killed by the sea. I miss its fake leather and how it would stick to my legs when they were sweaty. I miss the crinkling sound it made when I moved. Life will not be the same without it. I would say the loss is significant to devastating.

Please attach any relevant documentation.