Perhaps I shouldn't worry about whether I should have children or not – according to new medical advice I won't have much choice in the matter.

"Tight jeans worn by Russell Brand is giving men twisted testicles!" screamed the Daily Mail – warning of an epidemic of "low sperm count and bladder weakness" among young males. We presume they mean tight jeans of the kind worn by Russell Brand are – visions of Brand's denim clothing leaping from his frame and scurrying across the hipster capitals of the globe damaging the nether regions of innocent men is almost too much to take.

Besides, the news is terrifying enough for us veterans of the skinny jean era. For years we've struggled manfully into some quite ludicrous garments – often requiring the help of a friend, relative or expensive machinery in order to achieve sartorial fulfillment. Our reward? To be told that our balls now resemble Buñol tomatoes and a generation is about to be left unable to spawn or even do fun sexy time without creasing up in agony.

But maybe this news could be a positive thing. The world is overpopulated and we need drastic action to reduce this. Could the skinny jean be saving the environment and the future of mankind? Will generations look back on the greatest feat of human survival yet and thank not politicians or scientists but Joey Essex from TOWIE and the bloke out of Razorlight?

Perhaps they will. I still think it's a fight skinny jean wearers should not give up easily. Dr Hilary Jones advises wearers to "leave plenty of room around the groin area" and begs us "please don't put style before health". But without "style over health" there'd be virtually no good fashion statements at all. Do you think Grace Jones and David Bowie thought about health and safety when they were getting dressed?

Besides, there is evidence to suggest these stories are alarmist. Tight trews are not a modern phenomenon – the Rolling Stones squeezed into some terrifyingly narrow threads and remained generally pretty good at the whole shagging thing. The Strokes, pioneers of scrotum-hugging denim, have managed to produce offspring. Maybe the theory of evolution will just kick in and future generations will not just survive but will have developed super-fertile monster bollocks that can't be stopped by any form of pant, trouser or nuclear device. Have you thought about that Dr Hilary? Well, have you?