ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

“You know, more than half a million people have been killed since the outbreak of the Syrian civil war in 2011,” said Darren Lehmann.

“Mate, that’s not even the start of it. The government of President Bashar al-Assad responded to Arab Spring protests with a bloody crackdown that’s spiralled into a full-blown civil war.”

Peter Handsome sat there in silence, staring out onto cow corner.

“Jesus, Boof,” he said.

“That doesn’t sound too good. What’s happening there now?”

Darren looked solemnly down at his shoes and took a deep breath.

“There’s a huge humanitarian crisis that’s seen a mass exodus from the conflict zones. Most have fled to Europe and neighbouring Turkey. Other to further afield like Canada, America and even Australia,” added the barrel-chested Aquarius.

“It’s a tragedy that doesn’t get spoken about nearly enough in the mainstream media. Do you think Peter Overton gives a fuck about the people of Idlib or Damascus? No! It’s time we change that; use our social currency for good.”

That was the official story Darren Lehmann gave to Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland last night, local time.

And Sutherland, albeit sceptical, accepted that version of events happened.

“I’m satisfied that Darren and Peter were talking on the two-way about the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Syria. God, I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth,”

“Even though both of them failed to locate the war-torn nation on Google Maps last night, I’m satisfied that they were both definitely in the dark regarding the ball tampering. The investigation into Darren Lehmann is now closed.”

Sutherland let out a heavy sigh and excused himself from the press conference.

More to come.