How to Become a YouTube Sensation and Sleep on Beds Made Out of Freshly Printed Money. BarnumPT Follow Oct 19, 2019 · 10 min read

Written By: BarnumPT

Narrated By: Morgan Freeman

Based on a true story

This is the story of XxJimmyYaBoyxX also known as Jimmy.

Just like his name, Jimmy was a generic little boy that went to a generic school full of other generic children. All of these kids came from generic families that were as average as a family can be.

We all know that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so the children weren’t very creative, just like their parents.

In fact, none of them showed any interest in art or music. They were born to be employed from 9 to 5, form a family and live an honest life.

All of them, except Jimmy.

Ya Boy Jimmy always had an urge to do something different, try new things and discuss boring subjects like:

“If the Sun is bound to explode one day, what is the point of our existence?”.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that our boy wasn’t a party favorite and if the bully in his school was a raging bull, Jimmy would be the color red. The very essence of it.

Everyone knew that his behavior must represent a person that is gone mad so the only possible way to deal with that person is to damage their psyche and break a few bones along the way just to be sure they got the message.

That should fix them.

All of that mocking and beating took a toll on our poor boy so he was out for revenge!

One day he decided that enough was enough, he took his bag and ran home to ask a few questions that were on his mind.

He knew that the best answers come from best friends so he, ever so gently, pressed the power button on his PC, opened Chrome and typed in “g”, pressed “arrow down” and then hit “enter”.

It was Google time!

His search history from that day goes as follows:

Is murder illegal in the US?

Kung-fu in 7 days

How to hide a dead body?

Best way to stop bullying

That one should have been obvious…

None of it seemed to help poor Jimmy. He was losing hope and turned to another old friend — content consumption. And he was consuming a lot.

Hours and hours have been wasted on food reviews, DIY videos, epic challenges, and Will Smith. And while this may look like time wasted, it was the opposite for ya boy…

He had a vision and that vision included him in front of a green screen, looking into a camera and reacting to his favorite content! Jimmy was aiming for the starts and there was no one who could stop him! It is time to show those bastards what art looks like when it’s made out of depression!

Chapter 1 — Equipment

Jimmy wasted no time and took all of the money he saved up during his miserable life. This is also where he made his first mistake.

He completely ignored his best friend and didn’t ask for advice. The excitement drove him directly to the store where he bought a 360p camera and a microphone that was only used by Rissian Counter-Strike pros.

Now let’s pause for a second and think about why our little DaVinci made this mistake in the first place.

The problem lies in perspective and Jimmy had access to only one because he is not a very bright person.

While he was consuming contnet he never took the time to figure out what kind of work and marvels of technology went into that Markiplier video that has zero seconds of original content. Jimmy only saw the tears…

Because he is also a softie…

Unpause

You have to give credit to our man though. He figured out that a video contains two elements and so he bought the tools to create them.

He brings the tech home, connects it to his PC and realizes that it doesn’t work.

Oh, now you come to me for help?

Says Google while sending its master to TomsGuide.

And not only that. The sneaky cunt sent him to an unsolved thread.

It took a while but things were all set up. It was time to make some videos and have another epiphany!

Chapter 2 - Personality

While consuming his daily doses of YouTube videos, our main protagonist noticed the basic “call to action” routines and some other important details:

Say “Hello and welcome” when the video starts. It helps with the bonding

Fill up the rest of the video with some content

React to the content and act like you are watching it for the first time

And then, make it rain!

Remind your audience that they can like and share the video

Remind your audience that this is not enough and they must perform more work. Praise the bell button!

You don’t stop there! What about completely demolishing that subscribe button? Smash it like you mean it fam! But there is more…

Remind your audience that you have merch

Remind your audience that they should share their opinion in the comments because you value it…

Bonus tip — it also helps with boosting the reach

The kid would be a sensation if it was 2005.

If his parents understood the technology of today, and the possibilities that lie ahead, they would be proud!

Of course, he was misunderstood once again. But this time he would not break. He will record videos at night when the crushers of his dreams are asleep. Everything will work out fine…

Obviously, nothing was fine.

The first video was uploaded.

The title was too short, there was no description and he also made a rookie mistake of liking his own damn video…

And as if that wasn’t enough… Jimmy forgot to add tags.

You have to ask yourself, how stupid can this kid be?

Who are we to judge him though? You have no idea how that feels like. It must be tense…

Hours have passed, a couple of 5-second views were reported back to him and it was time to go to bed. Needless to say, he had trouble sleeping but he was looking forward to tomorrow when he will see a lot of numbers on that dashboard!

Mhm…

15 views, one comment — ”did you consider suicide?”

At that point he probably did but encouragement was on the way. Another comment explained to him that his equipment was bad, his audio is fucked up and his laugh was “as fake as sex with your wife”. And where is the screaming for fuck sake?

He learned his first lesson — They come for the content, they stay for the personality.

Jimmy had none.

Chapter 3 — Advanced AI and Astrophysics

Months have passed and our new YouTube sensation has gathered over 100 subscribers. The I am eating a human foot for the One-Hundred-Subaversary video was a banger.

The quality of his videos has improved as well and his introvert personality is attracting depressed teenagers from all corners of Manga Stream. He even started reacting to relevant content so his videos slowly evolved into something that is actually watchable.

Our superstar saw his future clearly on the horizon but that future was slowly drifting away. The numbers aren’t moving for months.

What could be the problem?

This is when Jimmy discovered the holy trinity — SEO.

Although his first thought was “sex education online”, the schmuck slowly realized he had to pay attention to titles and descriptions. And just like the professionals from our previous story did, ya boy was doing some detective work.

He deconstructed popular videos, saw the patterns in the titles, realized that all of them had the exact same duration (10:01), big red arrows in the thumbnails and a whole lot of screaming.

He knew that time for education is upon him.

Another few months were wasted but the instructions were clear:

SEO and Visuals aka Advanced AI and Astrophysics

Spend time creating descriptive and creative thumbnails because no one has time to read

Write a clear and detailed description of your video because the algorithm is your God and you should fear it!

Longer videos generate more revenue

Your revenue depends on your niche

Reverse engineer your titles

How?

What topic are you talking about?

What could people search for to end up on your video and what would the best answer to their question be?

Use that answer for your title.

Want to take the lazy path?

Put the question in the title

The more information you give to the Gods the more they will reward you.

Some call it a digital sacrifice.

Second lesson learned — SEO is your God and you should fear it!

Now if you think that this is a lot, do not forget that it took Jimmy months to learn all of this. You got it in a matter of minutes. Did you consider taking an IQ test?

Chapter 4 — Backseat content experts

The SEO Gods have been merciful to the new face of an upcoming energy drink. Yes, ya boy got a sponsorship and logos of “PURE ENERGY FOR ALPHA MALES” were all over the place.

Buy a hat - Get 3 cans for free.

Our little punching bag was a marketing genius and no one saw him coming!

His audience loves him, he responds to comments and gains respect from all over the interwebs but there was no online guide that would prepare him for what was coming.

The filthiest breed withing the online community has infiltrated his comment section and they came for blood. They took his kindness for weakness and the little turd fell for it.

Yo Xx! You should make a diss track about QuizzFallifa! He called you out for using his content for your reaction videos!

Thousands of comments that praised his content, but his eyes were locked on that one. His cheeks turned red and the room was getting hotter.

Calling me out?? I added my commentary in that video. That is considered as added value!

I visit /r/youtube every day! They talk about that stuff and they are smart! Is it even possible that an entire community is wrong???

This was but one of many thoughts that raced through his mind. His brain was telling him not to do it but his pride would not be hurt again. It was payback time and oh how the tables have turned.

Double X is the bully today boys! 2 Pac better lay low for a while.

He had the will but he was no street thug. His lack of experience on the streets would prove almost fatal for his career.

The only mean word he could think of was the “N” word and I presume you need not be told that the motherfucker used it in his diss track.

The SJW community was having a blast. The confused and frightened punching bag was down and no one was lending a hand. Surely, this can’t be the end?

The very fanbase that followed him for months is now shifting focus. They are all pointing in the direction of his non-existing sense of humor.

Despite the beating and moral exhaustion, another lesson was learned that day — Do not take advice from random strangers online.

Chapter 5 — The Phoenix and the Flame

Beaten up and depressed, Jimmy packed his bags and took a week off.

To silence the demons that were haunting him he disconnected from the internet completely and resorted to isolation. The state he was in could be described as madness but I would give it another name.

Something like “consolidating your fuckups and becoming a better person because of them”.

Alone time and no distraction from the internet cleared up his mind and he started to see things as they were. A strange feeling was taking over.

This sensation was completely new to a depressed Millenial that was living the dream. Slowly but surely, he was discovering that thing normal people call “hope”.

Pack your bags, we are going straight to the PR agency!

Their recommendations were simple but very expensive:

Make an apology video

Tell them that you didn’t mean it the way they took it

Admit the mistake and promise to improve

Act vulnerable

If you are not sure that you can do it remember that crying always helps

Add sad music to the outro

Don’t cut the moment when you turn off the camera to add extra honesty

He didn’t have brains, but Jimmy was an honest man.

It was a masterpiece created by DaVinci himself. The audience was loving it and the media was bringing in those clicks like never before. I don’t know if it was out of habit or the pure evil that lives within the editors but every article had the same headline — Try not to cry.

It was clickbait at its finest but for the first time in history, it was accurate.

Indeed, people struggled not to shed a tear because this time, honesty prevailed. The passion for his work and the honesty he could not hide were actually the two things the consumers wanted from the very beginning.

Jimmy has cracked the code but he was too stupid to realize it.

Weeks have past and things were back to normal.

XxJimmyYaBoyxX has entered the YouTube Hall of Fame forever. His name is written in the stars.

You made it you little bastard.

Well played.

The End

After Credits

Contrary to popular belief, this guide is not written by a YouTuber.

Also, I know that some of you came here for tips and if you didn’t find them within the storry maybe it’s time you consider another career choice.

Something less interactive perhaps?