This is what slut culture has brought us. It’s totally fine to be a slut, have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, with whatever sexual aids you want, in any orifice you want, with as many people as you want… BUT… if while exploring this freedom of sexual expression you should happen to be caught on video and that video goes viral, claim rape.

This will ensure that all video evidence will be scrubbed from the internet so that even Larry Flynt can’t find it. It will also work for you legally because, thanks to university women’s studies professors, if a woman is “intoxicated” and she engages in sexual behavior (and regrets it in the morning) it’s rape! Don’t worry about the poor shlep whose life you ruin in the process. It’s exactly like the abortion you may have to have in a few weeks. Just get over it and move on. You are more important than… well, everything and everyone!

And to you Mr. Rapist, even if you were also drunk and even if at the time she said she wanted it and had an orgasm and a romping good time, even if there is a video of her holding your head closer to her, when she wakes up in the morning feeling regretful or slutty, she can file a police report. You clearly didn’t pay attention in “consent” class did you? You were supposed to get her to sign a waiver before engaging in any sexual behavior. Dude, your level of drunkenness is not a factor. It will not save you from the slammer like it will save her from public ridicule.

Warning to all men: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH DRUNK GIRLS… or in this particular girl’s case, don’t perform oral sex on them either. Giving oral pleasure to drunk girls is now also “rape.”

Here’s a better idea. Find a wife. Have a family so you can stop worrying about what fauxminists will cook up next to put you behind bars.