EVE Online is a really great game. It’s a lot of fun, with all the exciting action, content, dramatic intrigue, and endless trash talk from total losers who stroke my ego because they are jealous of my elite min/max strategies. I really can’t think of a game I’d rather be playing. Absolutely nothing can compare to the genocidal fury of me and my blobmates, and I get such a rush of adrenaline when we vaporize the enemy. Sometimes, I even manage to click on the target before it dies, and that’s just the best feeling ever.



I’ll be doing my laundry, but it’s like I’m not even there, cuz I’m spaced out. Get it? My therapist says this is a dissociative tendency, but I know what it really is. Where I really am, is somewhere inside that dark hole, blasting red triangles with relentless precision. The ISK just keeps piling up, and the more ISK I have, the more I know that I am truly a pro gamer. My friend once said you aren’t really a pro, unless you get a paycheck. Well, guess what bro: I get a paycheck. I make millions of ISK an hour, and when you convert that into real life money, it means that coffee at Starbucks is on the house. “One double mucho macho frappuccino coming right up, for… Admiral Plex?” Yes, that’s me.



As a college student, EVE fits perfectly into my schedule, and I really don’t understand why more of my peers aren’t playing. I think kids these days just don’t know a good game when they see it. Like, consider Fortnight (Fortnite? Fortknight?), whatever, it’s all about twitchy fingers and stuff, but kids can’t fathom the grand strategic operational planning involved with purchasing modules from Jita, hauling them through Uedama, and deploying them into the field during a real live shootin’ war. I was trying to explain it the other day to this girl, cuz she was way hot, and I realized she just doesn’t get it. Civilians can’t understand. We veterans just hope that you remember we are out there, fighting to keep your planet safe. You’re welcome.



My mom said that EVE isn’t real, but it really is like way real. Every ship you see in EVE is piloted by an actual person, except for the bots, rats, NPCs, faction police, multiboxers, disconnected pilots, and abandoned vessels. This is our real life, and it’s more real than anything else I’ve ever experienced. For example, right now, I’m reading my history textbook because I have a test at 9am tomorrow, and none of this is real to me. Blablabla, Franco-Prusso-Russo-Japanese War of 18 and something something Otto Bismarck doesn’t care about Serbia or something. I don’t care either. That’s not real history. Real history is knowing you were there with Sh1tf4ce and Lord Invulnerble when they hot dropped on Starho69, thus securing the fate of an entire region. CCP better buy some paint, cuz we are repainting the map, and this time it’s gonna be for real.



Right now, I’m deep inside enemy territory, docked up in the same station as them. They know I’m here, and they can’t touch me. Everything that comes in and out of this system is under my gaze. People warp in, see my name, and that’s how they know they’ve reached the front. You wouldn’t even believe this ship I’m building here, it’s got so much bling that people will be crossing the galaxy just to check it out. I’m also watching this stupid TV show, but I’m still there in space, and I’m winning this war. I might even undock in a few days, cuz then it’s gonna get real, and that’s what’s up. Get wrecked, noobs!