Not too long ago, the CTO at Dudley H.'s company had a startling revelation: there should never, ever be a need for technical support. If a client has an issue using one of their products, then the problem is most certainly in the product. Maybe the UI is a little confusing. Maybe it's not documented enough. Maybe the documentation isn't clear enough. Whatever the case, every client issue means that someone — be it the developer, tester, or helpdesk technician — didn't do their job properly and should strive to improve themselves.

Of course, the counterargument to the CTO's revelation, lobbied primarily by the helpdesk staff, was that many users are simply lazy, stupid, or lazy and stupid, and no amount of improvement could ever change that. Not that it mattered, though. The CTO was determined and set a new policy that all client issues were to have "problem/improvement" reports written about them, and that all reports were to be reviewed at the higest level. Being the loyal employees that they were, Dudley and his fellow helpdesk technicians began developing these reports.

------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #88274 ------------------------------------------------- Client Issue: "Has ANY person in your company ever Looked at or tryed to READ any maniual man u all something like thet that it's funney even after 7 years I still LAUGH any way some people like Ta know I mean Ya know!" Problem Point: We failed to provide the client with a version of their manual in garbled, unpunctuated non-english. Improvement Goal: Many companies miss the garbled, unpunctuated non-english market segment completely, and we should not be one of them. It's important to remember that for every client that understands "Click the 'submit' button to save your changes", there's another that only understands "klik tHe summit butt on two SAVE yer changez ya know ya know". ------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #88279 ------------------------------------------------- Client Issue: "I understand the issues are on our end, but at least try to make me laugh while I am venting! THAT'S CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!" Problem Point: Our technician was not entertaining enough while the client complained about a matter unrelated to the company. Improvement Goal: Instead of being professional and courteous, the technician should have known that the client was upset before taking the call so that he could have answered the phone in a funny squeaky voice and punctuated the conversation with circus sound effects. ------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #88304 ------------------------------------------------- Client Issue: "I STILL have a problem with my Hotmail account. At the very least, tell them to e-mail me like they care and tell them to fix it. Maybee TECH SUPPORT lost it? mabee they need a coster or something to wipe there as**^^%? did I say that NA no way must have been a finger Slip? i get that a lot!" Problem Point: Our technician was unable to solve a problem with a product produced by a different company, specifically Hotmail by Microsoft. Improvement Goal: Even though our technicians are not employees of Microsoft, they should have had the foresight to work for them for several years to become an expert on their products before gaining employment with our current company. Our technicians are cutting corners, and that's just sad. ------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #88311 ------------------------------------------------- Client Issue: "I read on a website that your softweare had a security breach. (Provides a link to that website.) Whan are you planning on fixing this security breach, as I refuse to use your software until this is fixed." Problem Point: The technician assumed the client would read the next sentence in the website's article, which mentioned that the security breach in question was fixed less than two days after it was discovered... three years ago. Improvement Goal: Begin every email, support ticket and phone conversation with by shouting "WELCOME TO (COMPANY), WHERE WE FIXED A MINOR SECURITY ISSUE SEVERAL YEARS AGO!" ------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #88318 ------------------------------------------------- Client Issue: "your getting than you used to be" (That's the entirety of the message from the client.) Problem Point: While it is unclear whether or not this is actually a complaint, what is clear is that the technician's "getting" is in some way different than the technician himself was at some point in the past. Improvement Goal: Each technician should take better care of his "getting", to ensure that it stops differing from how the technician used to be. That way, the technician will potentially be praised by the client with the commendation that, "your getting is now exactly the same as you are now". And those are the type of praises that result in raises. ------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #88334 ------------------------------------------------- Client Issue: "You're wrong, check with Bob Williams. I spoke with him last week, and his answer contradicted what you're telling me now." Problem Point: Even though Bob Williams hasn't worked for our company for two and a half years, the technician should have the names, addresses and phone numbers of all past employees committed to memory. This would allow the technician to contact Bob while the client holds. However, if Bob no longer works at the company because he is dead, then the technician will need to call upon his powers of transcending the mortal fabric of existence -- which should have been covered during his first week of training -- to contact Bob in an alternate dimension. Improvement Goal: Transport backwards in time and confront Bob regarding the contradicting misinformation he has apparently been spreading to clients. Then pinch him unmercifully.

Shortly after reviewing the first batch of reports, the CTO had another revelation: many users are simply lazy, stupid, or lazy and stupid, and no amount of improvement could ever change that.