“Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh.” Roughly translated, this was David Davis’s way of saying he had lost his voice after being forced to spend two hours giving a statement to the House of Commons two days ago, following the government’s defeat in the supreme court, and was somewhat peeved to discover he was now required to answer Brexit departmental questions.

Hilary Benn, the chairman of the Brexit select committee, was the first to test the Brexit secretary’s voice and patience by asking who would arbitrate in future trade disputes once we had withdrawn from the European court of justice. “Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh,” said Davis. This appeared to mean that in the post-Brexit world order, everything would be sweetness and light, and if, in the unlikely event that there should be any minor disagreements, they could be patched up with the help of a relationship mediation counsellor. Dream on.

“I’d like to thank the minister for introducing a white paper,” said the Tory MP Anna Soubry. This time “Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh” meant precisely “Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh.” Just after the EU referendum, Davis was one of the few Brexiters to say he thought there should be a white paper on the government’s plans for leaving the EU, but had since been forced to publicly disagree with himself as Theresa May wanted to keep parliamentary scrutiny to a minimum.

Now that Theresa had decided to publicly disagree with herself at prime minister’s questions the day before, after realising there were rather too many on her benches who didn’t see things the same way, Davis was put into the rather awkward situation of being forced to agree with himself without making his boss look any more foolish than she already had. Under the circumstances, “Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh” was just about the only printable response.

Jenny Chapman, the shadow Brexit minister, wanted to know some more specifics about the white paper. In particular, if there was any chance of it being published before the Commons had a chance to debate the government’s 137-word bill on triggering article 50.

“Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh.” These grunts were accompanied by a shrug that suggested the whole thing was well above his pay grade. Davis was pleased that Theresa had seen sense, but he had no control over timings. That depended on whether she decided just to cut and paste bits of her speech into the white paper or if she gave the whole thing a bit more thought. On balance, he’d rather she thought about it, as parts of her speech had been sketchy to say the least, but it was more than his life was worth to voice an opinion.

And that was nearly that. The hardline Tory Eurosceptics had kindly chosen not to voice their irritation over the white paper – nothing to be gained by shooting the messenger and all that – and Keir Starmer, the shadow Brexit secretary, was still unable to think of a decent question. Primarily because Labour has yet to decide on a coherent response to Brexit. Starmer settled for asking Davis to keep parliament updated every two months or so. “Nnnnng. Urggggh. Bleugggh,” said the Brexit secretary. If only it were just every two months, he might be able to come up with something more coherent.

The only time Davis found his voice was when Labour’s Chi Onwurah brought up Donald Trump’s enthusiasm for a bit of selective torturing. On this, the Brexit secretary was unequivocal. At no time would he ever sanction waterboarding EU officials. Not even if the Brexit negotiations became deadlocked. However, he didn’t say whether British negotiators would be happy to use information that US intelligence officers had obtained from the EU under torture. It was possible the prime minister may clarify that one with the president on Friday afternoon. Though somehow he doubted that she would dare bring it up in conversation. Some questions were just too awkward for a special relationship.