Before starting to tell this story, I want to say I do know who my secret santa is, but I am not sure how comfortable she is with private details about her own life being shared on the Internet. I will omit her name for now and if she wants me to add it later, I will. :)

Secret Santa: You touched my heart in a way I did not know possible from a stranger. This is the most sentimental and touching gift I've ever received in my entire life, let alone a secret santa exchange. Thank you so, so much.

THE STORY:

When it came time to sign up for the Christmas exchange, I was weary. Last year, the person that I sent a gift to never confirmed whether or not they received it, after I put so many hours of work into it. It was very customized just for her, but because she lived in India, I lost tracking once it left the country. I reached out a few times to see if she had gotten it, even in January, but never heard back.

This year I decided to sign up as an elf because I seriously love giving people gifts, and I figured that people who are also elves are pretty active on their reddit account. My secret santa last year had no posts so I couldn't really do any digging which was a bummer, and because giving gifts is my favorite, I wanted to get matched with someone who was as into it as I am.

When I started to fill out my form, all of my answers felt half-assed to me because of the year that I've had. Simply writing that I "don't care for snacks" and "love doodling" was true, but came from a huge part of my life that is not connected to my account (I usually post on throwaways). Also, I really couldn't think of what I wanted for Christmas this year, even from my family. I'm just happy to be at the point where I am and to still be here and celebrating Christmas this year.

In January, I started recovery at a treatment center for anorexia, depression, and anxiety. In February, I was admitted to an inpatient psychiatric ward due to suicidal plans. I spent the next 7 months at that center, losing things left and right. When I was in PHP (partial hospitalization), we had program 8 hours/day, 7 days/week for 4 months. For the other 3 months, I was in IOP (intensive outpatient) which was 3 hours/day, and started at 7 days/week then weaned down until I could no longer afford it. Many of my "best friends" and I are no longer even acquaintances because my recovery consumed my life (as it should have), and we ended up owing upwards of $80,000 after my health insurance would not authorize necessary treatment. I had to move back from where I attend college, right before my senior year, to move back in with my parents across the country. My health insurance works fine in this state, so I started going to treatment here for anorexia as well as severe OCD and BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). However, my first treatment center here for OCD tried to scam my family out of $30,000, something they get away with every week with new patients who do not read the fine print and do the necessary digging. My year has been absolutely crazy and I have rarely gotten a break. On top of having issues with my mental health, I have been living with a chronic physical illness since the age of 5/6. In the times that my mental health treatment was finally stabilizing, my physical health deteriorated. Just a few weeks ago, I developed a staph infection on my face (for the second time this year) because of my low immunity. Do you see now why I felt weird just writing the simple things?

I decided to write a letter to my secret santa, which ended up being pretty long and extended into a google doc. I wrote all about my story, and let them know that I hoped that it went to the right person. I have only recently (in the past couple of weeks) started sharing my story (physical health) on personal social media and have seen how it has helped so many people to feel less alone. But at that point, the beginning of November, I was comfortable talking to strangers on throwaways in hopes that it would help them in some way. Seeing that someone has gone through a similar struggle to you is really comforting. So, I really just put it all out there with my secret santa. I let them know at the end of it that I did not want them to see it as me seeking pity, simply just that I wanted to be authentic and hopefully help them if they were going for something. Recovery is the best Christmas gift I could have received, though I cringe sometimes still when I admit that. I have come very far in my recovery, but am still working hard. I attached my google doc to my exchange preferences and hoped the redditgifts matching service would connect me with someone who needed to hear a stranger's story.

-THE GIFT-

My gift came on December 14th, a day before I was leaving town to visit family in another state. I had received a message from my secret santa the night before letting me know that it was overnighted and should be arriving in the morning. We had not had any prior exchanges so I had no idea what to expect.

Picture 1: The box had "REDDIT EXPRESS" written on it. :) (actually picture 3)Picture 2: There were 5 nicely wrapped gifts as well as a typed letter inside the box! I read the letter immediately. (actually picture 2)Picture 3: I was immediately covered in goosebumps when I started to read the note. I found out that my secret santa also loved dogs, but the similarity didn't end there. She had a similar history to mine (I didn't even include my physical health issues in my letter), starting doctors visits at a young age, and juggling misdiagnoses with every day life. When she was 19, the age that I developed anorexia, she went into rehab. A year ago, her depression took a turn for the worst (as did mine) and she took a leave of absence from work to participate in a PHP and IOP program (as did I!!!!!) at a treatment facility which specialized in DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) (AS DID I!!!!!!!! DBT WAS THE MAIN THERAPY USED AT MY CENTER!) I couldn't believe it. She wrote a sentiment that resonated with me so much, "This has been the hardest, strangest, most rewarding, most difficult, most whatthefuck year of my life". She then thanked me for sharing my story and said she hoped I liked my gifts. Holy shit. What just happened??? Without turning the paper over (not realizing it had a backside), I started to open my gifts. Somehow, I ended up opening the most incredible one last. Picture 4: W rally towel, I found out my secret santa is also a Cubs fan after looking at her posts on reddit! Another similarity. Picture 5: The original chicken soup for the soul. I mentioned how much I love reading in my questionnaire and she sent me one of the only well-known inspirational books that I've never read. :) Picture 6: A COFFEE TABLE BOOK CALLED WET DOG. My mouth actually dropped when I first opened it. I LOVE DOGS so much and can't wait to bring this back to my apartment with me when I move in in a couple of weeks. Picture 7: A giftcard to Blick!! :') I spend so much of my free time roaming the aisles of Blick and Michael's dreaming about new art supplies. This made my heart so happy and I can't wait to go get the brush markers I've had my eyes on for a couple of months!! Picture 8+9: Gold stars, and...... what's that gold coin? I flipped the paper over and found a list of the gifts written out on the back. Holy shit. Note the goosebumps... it was my secret santa's 9 year sobriety medallion from AA. I'm still in shock about this and feeling so grateful that she thought to give it to me... I don't have the words to write to adequately describe how thankful I am. It is the most touching gift I've ever received. Picture 10: The back of the letter listed the gifts, and she told me that she passed her medallion onto me as a token of good luck, and let me know that I wasn't alone and that she was rooting for me.

I sat on my bed surrounded by these amazing gifts, not sure what to do next. I wanted to message her and profusely thank her and let her know how much it all meant to me, but I had to make it to the post office to mail my secret santa gift, as well as a long list of other errands. I knew that I wanted to write something back that really showed my gratitude, and decided to wait until my 6 hour car ride the next day.

I actually spent the weekend away processing everything, then waited until now, as I am nestled in the corner of a coffee shop with my art supplies, book, and laptop, to write out something that I felt would show how truly grateful I am. I hope that this story resonates with others and helps you remember, the way that I did, that there are truly incredible people in this world; and also that you are never alone in your struggles. Reaching out for help does not make you weak, it means that you are strong enough to seek change, which is something I will remember every time I look at her medallion on my nightstand, in my pocket, or in my bag.