When I got a little older, I was told that if a man ejaculated within a five-mile radius of my home, I would become pregnant. Now I know that's not case! Because I've been trying to have a baby for a while now, and here's what I've learned ...

I grew up with a lot of misconceptions about where children come from. I thought pregnancy was always a thing that happened to women by accident, usually in the backseat of a car or in the restroom of a Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. That is the mating ground of my people.

5 You Make Completely Unnecessary Preparations

We all know that you have to be pretty careful with what you put in your body when you're pregnant. You can't drink alcohol, or smoke pretty much anything, or eat raw, bleeding, scrumptious meat. And it's not just those things. Women are told to avoid a whole grocery store's worth of foods during their pregnancies. So if you intend to get pregnant, make a list of all of your favorite foods, then fold that list into a little square and eat it. And try to enjoy the taste, because that's the closest you're getting to ingesting any of those foods for the foreseeable future.

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Soft cheeses, fish, peanuts? All foods that are probably bad for you. Or maybe great for you! The internet is both the most wonderful and terrible tool at your disposal. You can ask it anything and it will give you an answer, and then another answer that is the exact opposite of the original answer it gave you. And it's not clear which one is right, but if you do the wrong one, your future baby is totally and irrevocably fucked.