The Australian Cricket WAGs: the primary reason behind Australia’s humiliating Ashes loss

Do you know why Steve Smith's trigger movement across the crease seemed more and more exaggerated this Ashes? No, it wasn't a technical flaw. Do you know why Michael Clarke was struggling for runs? No, it wasn't his hesitant footwork. Do you know why he made the misguided move down the batting order at Trent Bridge? No, it wasn't superstition. Do you know why the red ball keeps smacking into Shane Watson's magnetic front pad? No, it's not because his left leg is always in the line of the stumps. Do you know why Virat Kohli wasn't at his best during his tour to England or the World Cup? No, it's not because of a few weaknesses in his otherwise flawless batting.

No, Australia’s dreadful performance this Ashes had nothing to do with the English conditions, lack of application, or hubris. The answer to the aforementioned questions is simple. It is the same reason why men in sports, business or really any field fail.

Women.

Or in this case, a secret society of femmes fatales known simply as WAGs or Witches and Gold diggers. Their sole purpose is to destroy the careers of honourable and innocent sportsmen. The Cricket WAGs are notoriously insidious for using voodoo charms to distract cricketers' concentration and hexes to upset their temperament. These malevolent forces are often known to collude with the opposition teams to find technical deficiencies.

Origins

Posh Spice, WAGS founder and president

The exact date of origin of this cloak-and-dagger club is unknown. It is known to have born out of the anger and exasperation of living in a patriarchal, male-dominated society. Posh Spice (widely accepted as one of its founders) was a livid and scornful woman who was also part of the popular women-only group, the Spice Girls. Married to footballer David Beckham, she single-handedly brought about his downfall with her womanly charms. A fact attested by celebrated Scotsman, Sir Alex Ferguson.

The club's cricket outfit was launched by Jessica Taylor of yet another women-only group Liberty X. Due to this fact, there have been various conspiracy theories about the diabolical connections between pop girl groups and WAGs. Much like Posh Spice, Jessica Taylor orchestrated the slow and gradual termination of her husband, Kevin Pietersen's career.

Conspiracies


Anushka Sharma with her unsuspecting victim, Virat Kohli

The WAGs are known to be very efficient at what they do even if their clandestine methods are not always agreeable. In cahoots with England's sultan of swing James Anderson, Anushka Sharma (the temptress who runs the Indian branch) used a particularly wicked voodoo spell on star Indian batsman Virat Kohli. The spell made Kohli forget where his off stump was. This made him push at deliveries away from his body, continually edging them to the keeper's glory. A cunning plan but she got greedy. Her conniving tricks were discovered at the World Cup and she soon became the butt of the nation's joke. She was unabashedly trolled especially on social media.

Form (Lady Justice)

The only respite for these cricketers is when a masked vigilante named ‘Form’ makes an appearance. Though she has been known to blunt the evil forces of WAGs, she's a fickle mistress who comes and goes as she pleases. Her arrival often coincides with the continual growing of confidence in batsmen. They are often in a better frame of mind when she's around. Balls come off the middle of the bat. Feet move well. And her close friendship with the umpires often results in decision going the batsman's way.

WAGs seem to have no effect on AB de Villiers, perhaps intimidated by his everlasting romance with Form.

Despite her charitable deeds, she's been known to show favouritism towards certain batsmen. Her perpetual affair with AB de Villiers has drawn criticism from the cricketing world. But it's a small price to pay as the WAGs take a step back from their evil doings in her presence.

What the “rationalists” think?

There's a school of rational thought that believes that we overstate the significance of these women. They contend that men of the media are just looking for someone to blame and that the WAGs and Form are mere excuses for poor performances. And the fact that we blame them just exposes our misogyny and attitude towards women in sports.

Hahaha! But what do they know?

We believe in Healy's Law and it clearly states that "when men fail, blame the women." And ain’t it the truth?