It’s really challenging to change the way we think about our bodies–especially since as adults we’re coming from a matured sexual perspective. The language we provide sets a precedent and perception on how we see ourselves, how the world sees us, and how we should feel about that.

The first thing you have to remember is that the concept of “vagina” or “penis” is much different to us than it is to the one year old or three year old who is exploring their body. Children from birth to 18 months old are beginning to touch their genitals. It is not for masturbating purposes, rather a self exploration of self and body. Remember the stage where they learn they have feet and won’t stop holding on to them or sucking on their toes? Children are sensorial learners and it only makes sense that at some point they have an interest in figuring out their own bodies. From 18 months old until they are three years old, they are still considered a toddler. By now, they have identified their own body parts and have the sufficient verbal language to communicate it. During this stage, sexual identity is mostly circulated around toilet learning. Three year olds are wildly interested in the different positions for urinating. While they may understand that their body feels a sensation or corresponding reaction, they are too young to correspond adult sexual meaning to a biological stimuli. This does not occur until puberty–and I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain that one. I hope.

But still. When it comes to young children developing this curiosity, many parents get uncomfortable and are caught so off guard in their history of associated emotions that they’re not sure how to process what’s happening let alone how to appropriately react to it. On one Mom’s Group, I invited mother’s to share with me their concerns and struggles with this sensitive period and offered some body-positive language in response to their situation. What is interesting, is that after many conversations with various parents in different demographics, many of them were more prepared and actually anticipated their son’s self-exploration than they were their daughter’s. I think this speaks to a very stereotypical mindset that boys are fascinated with their penises more than girls can be (should be) fascinated with their vaginas. This however, is simply not true. Penises, like toes, are just much more easy to discover.

If we refer to our bodies as “nasty”, “yucky”, or “bad” then we associate certain parts of ourselves as something necessitating shame or secrecy.

This perpetuates a terrible cycle both cognitively and emotionally, as the child’s exploration is part of the constructing of one’s self-image. Just as the child has an inner pull to explore their environment, they have an inner pull to explore themselves. The language we associate with our bodies is the language we internalize about ourselves. When we learn that what we have is “yucky” and that what the other person have is “special” or “private” a warped curiosity is formed as well as qualifiers and concepts regarding now not just our identity but the identities of individuals who may or may not share those same or different parts.

The language we use for our private parts should be universal anatomical terminology.

I dislike the idea that we teach our children that our genitalia is something special or secretive. I couldn’t think of two more descriptors to make children more interested in comparing and contrasting their parts with everyone else’s! If we used correct language such as “elbow”, “penis”, “kneecap”, “chin”, etc we wouldn’t have scores of children

wanting to take a peek at what the other person may or may not have since they would already know! We don’t have special names for our nose or hands, why should we for our genitalia?

Empowering children with real language provides them the comfort and confidence to speak about their bodies, thereby lowering the risk of sexual molestation and abuse.

As the child grows the child is able to give consent and the language we have provided them shows them that if mom and dad always ask before they touch me, then everyone needs to ask. If there is no mystery surrounding the function of the genitals, then when something is happening outside of that normal range, children will have questions and concerns, and have the language and confidence to not only establish the boundaries with a potential predator but to report back to a parent or appropriate authority.

Body Positivity Isn’t About Writing “GO VAGINAS” on your kid’s lunch box as much as it is not distorting concepts.

When children in my classroom begin exploring their bodies, I will redirect them without putting an emphasis on what they’re doing. So if you’re in the bathtub and she is beginning to explore herself, I would honestly just let her. Say “Vagina”, to give language to it. Discuss it in a normal even leveled tone like you were saying “elbow”. If she tries putting things down there, tell her that it can really hurt her. “We urinate out of our vagina”, give it a job, and a boundary context. Vaginas are for urinating right now, and that’s all she needs to know.

Eventually your child is going to realize that they’re urinating out of whatever organ we’re working with. Take it from experience, realizing that your child is getting painful chronic urinary tract infections and wetting the bed because they’ve internalized that shame and embarrassment of having genitals and thereby refusing to urinate is heartbreaking. I would also say that to some extent it’s emotional abuse. Teaching children to be ashamed of themselves for having a body part is just wrong.

Establishing Accurate Language Gives Into Establishing Appropriate Boundaries

When a child is able to understand and know their bodies, they are then able to place that concept into the world. We learn that we only kiss some people hello, or we only say “I love you” to certain individuals. We model this behavior for our children by as parents asking before we touch them. This is something that I’ve done since birth. “You have feces in your diaper, I’m going to help clean the feces off of your vagina.”

The boundaries we do set, depends on our culture.

“What you give to the adult you take from the child.”

Some parents may feel uncomfortable with their child “speaking like an adult”. I would just like to remind you that there are no actual separate anatomical terms based on age, rather the inflections or nicknames we give things to make it less uncomfortable for us. Putting emphasis and emotion on a body part is a lot to burden a child with. The language isn’t the burden–the adult’s discomfort and perception is.

Recognize the world from the child’s perspective.

Your child’s body is beautiful and powerful. While everyone pretty much has the same thing, their body is special because it belongs to them and they have the power to say yes or no. Even to us, as parents. Body positivity is about acceptance. Feeling comfortable about the body that you are in. When we prescribe negative language or scold children from exploring their bodies, we damage them.

Body Positive Language

Body positivity is about acceptance. Feeling comfortable about the body that you are in. When we ourselves are embarrassed we push that onto our children, imposing a sense of secrecy or shame. Real language should be given at all times to the child. Call it a “vagina” or a “penis”. Just as they would touch their toes and you would say “toes”, give accurate language. Just as we set boundaries of “no feet on the table”, we may set boundaries of “no picking nose in public” or “no touching your vagina at the park.”

“This is your penis/vagina!”

“All bodies are good bodies”

Supportive Articles

This Is What Sex-Positive Parenting Really Looks Like -Huffington Post

Teaching Children the Real Names for Body Parts – NY Post

Why You Should Teach Your Kids Correct Names For Genitals – Globe and Mail

Call Children’s Body Parts For What They Are- Psychology Today