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We're all familiar with the pop culture juggernaut that is Harry Potter. But what if it wasn't a literary phenomenon, leading to a $7 billion blockbuster film franchise? What if it was just a modestly budgeted, offbeat teen comedy from the 80s? Who would be our wizarding heroes then?





HARRY POTTER

RON WEASLEY

HERMIONE GRANGER

GINNY WEASLEY

FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM

CEDRIC DIGGORY





What He's Been In: St Elmo's Fire, The Outsiders, About Last Night...





Why He's the Man for the Job: Honestly? Because he's dreamy. If Rob Lowe went to Hogwarts, I really think he would have been that athletic, popular guy that every girl was in love with. I can see him taking Cho Chang out on the lake in a rowboat with his saxophone. "Do you believe in premarital sax?"









FLEUR DELACOUR





Played by: The Hot French Girl from Better Off Dead









What She's Been In: Umm...Better Off Dead?





Why She's the Woman for the Job: Because she's attractive and does a French accent. I didn't go further than that.









DRACO MALFOY





What He's Been In: The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys





Why He's the Man for the Job: Are you kidding me? In the 80s, when you wanted a blond, ultra competitive, borderline pyscho bully, Zabka was your go-to guy. Sure, cliche jerks are a dime a dozen, but Zabka always brought a little something extra to the table. Like, yeah, he picked on the weaker kids, but you just knew he did it because his dad didn't hug him enough. There was some vulnerability there. Just like Draco.









LUCIUS MALFOY





Played by: James Spader





LUNA LOVEGOOD

DOLORES UMBRIDGE

OLIVER WOOD

"Win! Win! Win! Your intensity's for shit!"

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE





What He's Been In: The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid II, The Karate Kid III, The Next Karate Kid

REMUS LUPIN

DEAN THOMAS

RUBEUS HAGRID

SEVERUS SNAPE

SIRIUS BLACK

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE

First thing's first: we need our main trio.John CusackSay Anything, Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, The Sure ThingJohn Cusack specializes in being the humble, modest hero who manages to overcome the odds and chalk up a win for the good guys. Most importantly, he maintains an offbeat sort of likeability that prevents him from being just another cardboard goodie. Also, he's got a deadpan sense of humor, which Harry shows from time to time (when his loved ones aren't being horribly murdered around him).Keith CooganAdventures in Babysitting, Hiding Out, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)Who you gonna call when you need an awkward, gingery sidekick with an inferiority complex and a penchant for ugly sweaters? Keith Coogan. Despite his flaws, he's got a strong moral compass, is incredibly loyal, and oftentimes is quite capable of the occasional surprisingly heroic gesture. And if you know what's good for you, do not pick on his woman. In Adventures in Babysitting, this plucky suburban kid was ready and willing to rumble with anyone who even looked at Elisabeth Shue funny. Kid took a knife for her (albeit in the foot, and it only needed one stitch, but that's beside the point).Ione SkyeSay AnythingIn Say Anything, she showed us a vibrant young woman who was graduating from high school, but felt like an outsider because of her time spent with her nose buried in a book. She's the fiercely intelligent girl that some people have trouble relating to because of her label as a "brainiac"...despite the fact that she also happens to be a knockout. Now I know that in the books, Hermione was never intended to grow up into an extraordinary beauty, but hey, you cast Emma Watson, now you're stuck with a pretty Hermione.Molly RingwaldEvery John Hughes Movie Ever Made (including but not limited to: The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles)Molly Ringwald is almost universally known for playing a feisty redhead from the wrong side of the tracks who all the boys are in love with. Yup. Don't even have to think about that one.Matthew Broderick + Robert Downey JrMatthew - WarGames, Ferris Bueller's Day OffRobert - Chances Are, Johnny Be Good, Weird ScienceBoth of these guys have the same devil-may-care attitude that is absolutely essential for our favorite set of underachieving pranksters. Would Fred or George hijack a parade with their own rendition of Twist and Shout? I'm almost sorry that wasn't a deleted scene on one of the HP DVD releases. The point is, they've got the comic timing, confidence, and chutzpah it takes for these most celebrated of ginger twins.Anthony Michael HallThe Breakfast Club, Weird Science, National Lampoon's VacationI guess just because his own personal trajectory mirrors that of Neville Longbottom. Yeah, he starts off as a weak, awkward nerd...but then he hits puberty and becomes a total badass.Rob LoweBilly ZabkaPretty in Pink, Less Than Zero, Wall StreetNothing says douchey elitist asshole like James Spader. I mean, he brings classism to an entirely different level. If he happened to be a wizard, I'm sure he would look down on all of the people that weren't wizards. Definitely.Ally SheedyThe Breakfast Club, WarGames, Short CircuitSure, she's played a bunch of different characters, but she's best known as the Basketcase in The Breakfast Club. Who's a weird girl who says crazy shit and uses her own dandruff to create snow on a drawing but is still inexplicably really kind of loveable. Give her a wand and a lion headdress and sheLuna Lovegood.Jeffrey JonesFerris Bueller's Day OffUm, they're both school administrators from hell who like to ruin everyone's good time?Emilio EstevezThe Breakfast Club, St Elmo's Fire, The OutsidersEmilio's mostly known nowadays for being Charlie Sheen's mentally stable brother, but back in the day he was a pretty reliable actor when you needed a teen jock. What really cemented my decision to cast him as the lovable obsessive was a combination of him in The Mighty Ducks, and his speech in The Breakfast Club where he whines about how his dad pushed him too hard in sports. Would Oliver Wood have taped some dude's butt cheeks together? I don't know. But if they lost him the Quidditch Cup...well, I don't think there's too many things Oliver wouldn't do.Pat MoritaCome on, like there's even afor casting Mr Miyagi as Professor Dumbledore. I mean, you take Mr Miyagi, Dumbledore, and Gandalf, and you've pretty much got the Top Three Wisest Old Men Ever.Michael J FoxTeen Wolf, Back to the FutureHear me out on this one. In Harry Potter, Remus and his wolfishness are used to access complex emotions about being an outsider and creates a social commentary about racism and "otherness". That's in Harry Potter. But if Remus was in a lightweight teen comedy...well, he would be playing basketball and pounding back brew. Speaking of...why does being a werewolf automatically make you good at basketball? Does no one else notice that Michael J Fox is 5'5", tops, and physically incapable of dunking? Sorry...that's just always bothered me.C. Thomas HowellSoul ManI'm sorry, OK? I couldn't resist. How many actual black people do you think there were in 80s teen comedies, anyway?Curtis ArmstrongRevenge of the Nerds, Better Off Dead, Risky Business, One Crazy SummerBear with me on this one. He's the hairy, slightly shady older guy who lives just off campus but befriends all the students. He's a good friend, but most of the time you find yourself bailing him out, like when he decides to breed an illegal dragon or hide a giant in the woods. Tell me he was notto play this role!Paul GleasonThe Breakfast ClubThis guy is a hard ass. He will belittle you in front of your peers, and clearly has no problems with putting you in detention for the rest of your natural life. He doesn't give a shit about anything you say, and despite the fact that he chose education as a profession, seems to hate everything about it, especially the students. Sound familiar?Judd NelsonThe Breakfast Club, St Elmo's FireHe's a bad ass troublemaker. He's a loner, Dottie, a rebel. He doesn't get along with his parents. He's too cool for school. And he hates the guy I picked to be Snape. Therefore: Bender=Black.Winona RyderBeetlejuice, HeathersBecause she has a history of playing emotionally disturbed characters. In Beetlejuice, her BFFs are a pair of ghosts. In Heathers, her hobbies include croquet and murder. She was just kind of creepy in the 80s, but in an attractive and intriguing kind of way. Sort of like Helena Bonham Carter...in everything she's ever done.So that's what I've got. Agree? Disagree? Any characters you'd like to add?