Dear Chump Lady,

Please come take care of my child. I cheated. We were really trying to save our marriage. Then my husband read your book (Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life).

It looks like you are such an expert on how, why I did it. Or how I feel after. So he gave me your book. I read it and I threw up about how venomous and toxic your writing is. I am sorry you were cheated. Well, great job! Now you may gloat! There are other chumps like you reading your book and leaving spouses. Congratulations! You are such a guru!

Please come to Bucharest to take care of my 8-year-old while my husband is out with his friends and considers leaving me for good and I am here not being able to take care of my child. Because he gave me your precious book. You are a very bitter and self-righteous woman. Good luck living your precious life! It is a lie, even like this. Just pretend. You’re are not healed. You just play a very nice role and wear a mask.

Diane

Dear Diane,

I’m sorry your 8-year-old is caught up in this drama, stuck at home with a mother who can’t parent because… sentences. A child whose parents’ marriage may end thanks to my ability to snark and draw unicorns. Who knew my book had such a global reach that it could destroy marriages and ruin lives? Whatever shall I concentrate my guru superpowers on next? Laying waste to Tokyo?

It must really suck to feel so powerless, Diane. To have done something terrible, that you deeply regret, and not be able to take it back. That’s an awful place to be. But no one owes you reconciliation. You gambled your husband and your child’s intact family when you fucked around, Diane. They didn’t get a vote on your fucking around. They didn’t choose to have their lives blown up. They only get to choose how they’re going to react to this new set of circumstances — and you don’t control that. How terrifying for you — the threat of consequences.

Heads must roll! So look around to someone whose fault this is. Oh hey, must be me here, 5,000 miles away across the ocean. A venomous author pointing out the obvious to chumps everywhere — they don’t have to take it. Did that message of agency register with your husband, Diane?

Perhaps he could use some more clarity, so I put your letter through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Please come take care of my child. I cheated.

Mindfuck set to Self-Pity and Rage. Threat level: RECONCILE or the child gets HURT!

We were really trying to save our marriage. Then my husband read your book.

Damn husbands and their literacy.

We were really trying to save our marriage. Then my husband realized “our marriage” wasn’t the problem. My screwing other men was.

It looks like you are such an expert on how, why I did it. Or how I feel after.

I know why I did it. I wanted to. Damn you for pointing that out.

So he gave me your book. I read it and I threw up about how venomous and toxic your writing is.

Unlike my cheating, which is lemony fresh.

I am sorry you were cheated. Well, great job! Now you may gloat!

(UBT emits evil laughter MOOHAHAHAHHAAA.)

There are other chumps like you reading your book and leaving spouses.

Cheaters don’t make chumps leave marriages, books do. I’m sorry a chump wrote a book about being chumped. Infidelity books must save marriages and blame cheating on unmet needs, pollen allergies, and leprechauns. How did a book blaming cheating on cheaters reach Bucharest? We must stop this at once, demand international sanctions, a naval blockade, and an air drop of Esther Perel essays.

Congratulations! You are such a guru!

My husband has fallen sway to a cult-like figure. His thoughts of divorce couldn’t possibly be… lucidity.

Please come to Bucharest to take care of my 8-year-old while my husband is out with his friends and considers leaving me for good and I am here not being able to take care of my child. Because he gave me your precious book.

My husband is out with his friends and I am stuck with childcare. This is unjust. I go out with my “friends” and HE does childcare. What madness is this? I cannot possibly be expected to take care of an 8-year-old. I shouldn’t be left alone with houseplants or even nail clippers. Who inflicted this CHILD on me?

I know! I’ll find an author in a faraway land to take care of my child. She’s toxic and self-righteous — the perfect company for a third grader! She’s probably great with glitter glue too! #MaryPoppinsBitch

You are a very bitter and self-righteous woman. Good luck living your precious life! It is a lie, even like this. Just pretend. You’re are not healed.

I am very threatened that you are healed. Who are these people who leave cheaters and gain lives? And worse, encourage others to leave cheaters and gain lives? It must be a lie. No one could possibly be happier without a cheater.

You just play a very nice role and wear a mask.

I fuck another man, come home to my husband, lie to his face and say, “Balázs is just a FRIEND. What? You don’t want me to have FRIENDS?” Innocent wife. It is a Very Nice Role. Husband very stupid and trusting. He look at me, he say, “You smell like goulash.” I wear Innocent Wife mask. “I only make goulash for you, Victor.”

THEN Victor reads toxic, venomous book by American bitch! He leaves me for his FRIENDS, alone with 8-year-old puşti. He says, “What? You don’t want me to have FRIENDS?”

****

My work here is done. MOOHAHAHHAHHAAHHA! Dracu ‘off, Diane.

****

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