A crate of mail arrived at The Temple News office this afternoon. While this is normally a very uneventful occurance, today’s batch of mail included the following:

-An unsigned letter in which the author calls Americans “totally stupid people who elect moronic criminals.” The author, who TTN assumes is Russian, describes his uncle who “died a wealthy man” from reporting people to the Cheka (The now-defunct Soviet Union equivalent of the CIA) as “subversives.” Americans will be meeting this same fate of the people his uncle reported in six years if they keep being stupid, the author said.

-Not one, but two identical letters from the same author imploring TTN to investigate the events behind 9/11.

-A flyer for a student cartoon contest. The contest’s theme: 9/11.

-A letter from a Craig White, who said he used to preach “the Word of God” in front of Temple’s student activities center from 1993 to 2003. He is currently serving time in a correctional facility in Cresson, Pa. where he writes that his civil rights are being violated because he is unable to get out of prison on parole. His crime, in his words, was “my choice to commit at deviant offense against a teenager.” A quick glance at his court docket shows he was convicted of soliciting prostitution and attempting to lure a child into a motor vehicle in 2004.

-A lengthy and comprehensive two-part letter from a Curtis Thomas in which he addresses the following:

He wishes to become columnist for TTN with the title “Truthful Slave Narratives.” 975 percent of what he writes will be true, said. He intends to write about life at the “Slave Plantation at Greene” which, judging from the address Thomas provided, is a correctional facility in Waynesburg, Pa. His fee is $500 an article.

He said he never committed any crimes although he admitted he was convicted of assault and battery in 1976 when “a cat” tried to steal his leg brace while he was washing his leg.

He was kidnapped at gunpoint in 1974. He has since spent his life in Pa. prisons.

Pennsylvania governor Tom Corbett and his wife received two puppies upon becoming governor and held a statewide contest to name them. “F––– both them damn dogs!!!” he said.

He recommends the movie “Matilda.” “Get the DVD,” he said.

He referenced a scene in “Matilda” where she rides a red wagon to the library. He too had a wagon, except his had wooden slats on the side to carry stuff. One day in 1964, he was playing with his wagon when two men pushed him in his wagon into traffic on the 1400 block of South Street. He was hit by a motor vehicle.

He solicited the help of his friend and former South Philly politician Vince Fumo to try and get him out of prison. Fumo has yet to respond to his requests for aid.

His lawyer is a racist.

All he requests of his “enslavers” is a new leg brace, a cane and pair of blue dungaree pants.

He has solicited his column services to other newspapers in order to earn money to get the three aforementioned items.

While The Temple News would love to assist Mr. Thomas in his quest for blue dungaree pants, he is not a Temple student and thus is ineligible to become a columnist. His fee is also a little steep.

The Temple News will investigate all claims brought to our attention.