If you’re fed up with family life, wearied by work and feel it’s time for a complete overhaul, you could be experiencing MLD. But be careful what you wish for, says Anna Moore

Age can leave women feeling less ‘powerful’

For Rachel, it began with a vague restlessness and some idle Googling. First she browsed local properties in need of renovation – maybe as a kind of part-time project, a second source of income.

Then her search terms widened beyond her home town and renovation. A B&B in Dorset? Bookshop in Hebden Bridge? A five-week yoga-training course in Southern India was a less drastic option. As the daydreams and fantasy lives mutated in her head, her real life (with husband, two ‘kidults’, career and book group) somehow seemed to shrink away.

‘I felt utterly removed and disconnected,’ says Rachel, 55, a lecturer from Southeast London. ‘The kids were at university. My work didn’t challenge or excite me any more – it just felt like drudgery. My husband and I had no interest in each other.

'We’d been married 20 years, devoted to home and family. We’d survived redundancy and the teen years and were now, frankly, knackered. He was a lovely man. He still is. But we had nothing left to talk about, no energy, no chemistry.

People might say that I’m expecting too much after so long together, but every inch of me was almost prickling, craving something new.’ So Rachel made an appointment with her estate agent to view studio flats, looking for a place of her own where she could clear her head – and, hopefully, regain her sense of purpose and optimism.

Mid-life disappointment (MLD) is on the rise – for women especially. It’s the feeling of finally sticking your head above the parapet after years of childcare, climbing the career ladder, building a home, paying off debts (and accruing some more). You look around, ask, ‘Is this it?’ and want to take a wrecking ball to it all.

The aftermath is apparent everywhere – most starkly the surge in divorce rates among upper age brackets (so-called silver separations). In the decade between 2002 and 2012, the divorce rate fell for couples aged under 45 but rose for those above it. And around 65 per cent of divorces are driven by women.

MLD also leaves an online trail – note, for example, the number of blogs from females of 45-plus with headers such as, ‘I’m done! Now what?’ and ‘Permission to Change!’ On forums aimed at over-50s, puzzled men exchange stories about partners of 30-odd years who’ve suddenly lost weight, gone cold on them and are out clubbing or canoeing every weekend.

There’s research to back up this sense of widespread female disillusionment. An analysis of several decades’ worth of data carried out at the University of Southern California found that women generally enter adulthood happier than men, yet end up less satisfied. The age that men’s happiness eclipses women’s is 48.

‘It’s happening a lot to women of a certain age,’ says Christine Webber, a psychotherapist with a Harley Street practice and the author of How to Mend a Broken Heart. ‘They’re looking around and thinking, “Is this all there is?” Their husbands seem happy pottering, joining the golf club and watching Sky News. Women want to do something different.’

There are many reasons. Empty-nest syndrome is often felt more acutely by women, who tend to take on the lion’s share of family life. There’s also the menopause with its associated mood swings and the end of progesterone production, the so-called nurturing hormone.

For women, there’s less to shore them up. Career breaks, family obligations – and the glass ceiling – often mean less career success than men. Age can leave them feeling less ‘powerful’. Men, meanwhile, tend to be on the opposite trajectory with their uninterrupted working life. Age brings more income, status, power and respect than they had in their youth.

And it isn’t only married women who dream of another life when they’re halfway through. Single women may also be struck by the urge to quit their career, relocate and dislocate from all they know. ‘There are all sorts of triggers,’ says Webber.

Finding a role for your caring instincts, and knowing that you’re doing something worthwhile, something that makes a difference, can help bury that bleak feeling that you’re no longer needed

‘A parent or friend dying. It could be the prospect of another Christmas with nowhere special to be. A really rainy day. Suddenly you think, “Life is passing me by; I don’t know what I want but it isn’t this.”’

For Sarah, 51 and with a successful career in PR, it’s the loss of her mother that has led her to question her life choices. She has always had a buzzing social life but now says, ‘Since Mum died 17 months ago, I’ve felt incredibly alone and nothing I have has given me any comfort. My work seems empty, and my friends are wrapped up in their own families. I’ve got this urge to leave it all behind, sell my house and take off.’

‘The baby-boomer generation of women is very different to those preceding it,’ says Webber. ‘They’re not frightened of life; their expectations are higher. They’re masters of reinvention. They’ve probably had career breaks and retraining, they’ve juggled multiple roles. At 50, they see a whole chapter ahead and, for some, the wrecking ball can lead to an exhilarating new adventure.’

Nicky, 56, is someone for whom life’s expectations didn’t all go to plan. Three years ago she separated from her husband of 31 years after suffering from what could be classic MLD. ‘We’d married and had children young,’ she says. ‘I’d watched our kids do everything I’d never done. My daughter had had lots of lovely boyfriends. I’d only had one – my husband. She was setting up as an illustrator. I’d loved art at school but that wasn’t seen as a career option then, just a hobby. My son was travelling around Australia – I’d never been beyond Europe. My 50s felt like my last chance.’

Her husband seemed part of the problem, not the solution. ‘He’s a cautious man who’d worked all his life in a job that didn’t inspire him,’ she says. ‘He wouldn’t even agree to getting a dog in case it interrupted his routine. There was no chance of him wanting to change.’

HAVE YOU GOT MID-LIFE DISAPPOINTMENT? You look longingly at men 20 years your junior. You have lost interest in your book group, left your choir and don’t think you’ll bother with the next series of Broadchurch or Downton Abbey. You have taken up triathlons, green juices, Botox, hair extensions – plus classes in Italian and the flute. You’re obsessively comparing your appearance and achievements with those of friends and contemporaries. You have started going to festivals – despite never setting foot in a field before the age of 45. You’re terrifying others with snap decisions and impulsive behaviour (putting the house on the market, quitting your job, buying a holiday home…) You’re constantly Googling fantasy lives: B&B in France/Tefl in China/Yoga in Ibiza. You’re practising the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ speech on a loopin your head. You spend your time looking up long-lost school friends, summer flings and people you haven’t thought about in decades. You have big questions but no answers. Advertisement

Instead, Nicky left her husband – they are now divorced. While he has remained in the family house, Nicky lives on the South Coast. She has travelled to India, China and Australia, dipped her toe into internet dating and tried her hand at interior design. Her husband has met someone else who now lives with him. Their adult children choose to spend their Christmases there rather than with Nicky.

She won’t say she regrets her decision – though sometimes she is lonely, and life is tougher financially. ‘If I’d stayed put, the “if onlys” would have killed me,’ she says. However, Nicky does admit that she made some huge decisions while still in turmoil. ‘Everyone’s reaction was that I’d gone completely mad, and now, in a way, I think maybe I had.’

Webber urges MLD sufferers to add a strong shot of realism to their blue-sky thinking. The journey ahead may be a long way from the self-discovery film Eat Pray Love. ‘There are no guarantees that it will be great or stay great,’ she says. ‘Be very sure you’re not falling prey to the idea that the “grass is always greener”.

‘I know so many women who’ve left boring old Fred only to find, before they’ve even planned their next move, that another woman – often a friend – has nipped into her place and is polishing her Aga. Whether we like it or not, if men have their own home and their own teeth, they’ll find someone new, often quite quickly. That’s not the case for women.’

Finance is another fact. ‘Remember you’re very likely to be less well off after a divorce,’ says Webber. ‘Things you used not to think twice about – popping into John Lewis to buy a dress – may become impossible. Look at the worst-case scenario first and ask, “Will I be happy, will I have no regrets, even if I never get out of the bedsit and never meet another man?”’

For women struggling with an empty nest, voluntary work can be far more helpful than going on a holiday of a lifetime

Don’t get so carried away thinking about what you want that you forget to consider what you have – and all you might lose. ‘Think of the whole infrastructure,’ says Webber. ‘Children, grandchildren, friends, the family Christmas.’

It’s also crucial to identify exactly what you want. Vague fantasies won’t do. Keren Smedley, author of Live the Life You Love at 50+, is a counsellor and life coach at Experience Matters (experiencematters.org.uk), which specialises in mid-life. ‘You’re at a life change, a crisis point, but you need to work out exactly what you want to do and why,’ she says. ‘Ask yourself what will be important to you looking back at your life at 90. What will give your life meaning and how can you get it? What’s the first step towards it? Do you have the skills? Do you need to re-enter education?’

If you’re dreaming of a new career, or want to turn your passion into your pay cheque – a common mid-life fantasy – Webber advises that you start with a forensic financial assessment. ‘You have to look at what you’ve got, what you can expect to get. There are some excellent websites, such as savvywoman.co.uk, which will give you an idea of pensions, future needs and forward planning.’ Take baby steps. Find people who have got where you want to be. Juggle a part-time course or mini enterprise with your job.

‘For women struggling with an empty nest, voluntary work can be far more helpful than going on a holiday of a lifetime,’ says Webber. ‘Finding a role for your caring instincts, and knowing that you’re doing something worthwhile, something that makes a difference, can help bury that bleak feeling that you’re no longer needed.’

Don’t burn your bridges. ‘If you really want to try living in a Spanish village, rent out your house, don’t sell it,’ urges Webber. ‘I’ve met so many people who sold up and left for a new life and six months down the line, they wanted to come home. They were cast adrift, they missed their friends, the winters were cold, they had no money and the homing instinct was stronger than they had imagined it would be.’

Instead of writing off a stale marriage, think of mid-life as a time to reconnect, to put yourself and your partner first. ‘It’s easy to blame the people in front of you,’ says Smedley. ‘You think, “I feel awful, I’ll get rid of my husband,” when he isn’t the problem.’

A neutral professional can help untangle your needs. A trusted friend who can listen is another option: just hearing yourself put it into words helps bring clarity.

Don’t get so carried away thinking about what you want that you forget to consider what you have

‘You should also talk about it to your husband, without blame, and find out what he’d like for the future. He may well be having similar feelings of his own. There may be ways of doing it together,’ she adds.

‘Arguing and bickering doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Sometimes it can show you’re still invested in one another,’ says Michelle Bassam, couples therapist with Harley Therapy. ‘Ask why you first fell in love with him. What brought you together?’ Shared time, date nights, joint projects – all the clichés are so important to rebuilding a bond. It’s also worth remembering that youth wasn’t a golden age (think of the uncertainty, the raging insecurity).

Middle age brings its advantages. ‘Recently a woman in her 50s told me how she’d gone for a meal with her husband for her birthday,’ says Smedley. ‘She looked at all the other people on the tables around them, everyone chatting away while she and her husband sat opposite one another with nothing to say. She took herself to the loo and cried.’

But then, continues Smedley, it occurred to her that most of the time she was quite comfortable just being with her husband. They were content and at home in each other’s presence and didn’t feel the need for constant talk – a result of years building a life together. ‘So she dried her eyes, went back to the table and felt much better!’

Happily, Rachel came to a similar conclusion. ‘It was viewing the studio flats that brought it home to me,’ she says. ‘Picturing myself eating alone in a little kitchen diner, surrounded by neighbours 30 years younger than me, I suddenly wondered what on earth I was doing.’

Which isn’t to say that she meekly accepted her lot. ‘I thought really hard and creatively about anything that could bring me and my husband back together, inspire us and wake us up,’ she says. ‘It wasn’t easy. Friends seemed to be finding things they could do as couples – one pair had an allotment, another had bought a narrowboat. Then I thought of cycling. My husband had cycled to work for 30 years. I’d cycled the school run. We’d never done it together.’

Starting with local cycle routes, the couple have progressed from London to Brighton, to London to Paris, then the North Sea Cycle Route, which ended in Norway. They’re now looking at the Himalayan Highway. ‘It has opened a new world and a way back to one another,’ says Rachel. ‘All those feelings of boredom and disconnection are gone.’

Studies show we tend to feel happiest with our marriages in our 70s, when the deepening intimacy, companionship and mutual support can be crucial, even prolonging life. It’s worth bearing that in mind. ‘Starting again at 50 isn’t easy, though it may seem liberating at first,’ says Bassam. ‘“I wish I’d worked at my relationship instead of walking away” is something I hear very often in the therapy room. MLD can be an opportunity, a chance to correct your course. But it’s not always necessary to destroy all that went before it.’



