Life-changing!

Recently, while on vacation in Berlin, I ran into Chancellor Angela Merkel at a women’s rights antique store. We reached for a cursed gender parity tiki at the same time, and BOOM! Yes, we swapped bodies, thanks to the feminist mystique of the tiki, and would remain swapped until we each learned a lesson about how “the other half lives.” Now, as a newly-minted male feminist, I want to spread the word about the average woman’s lived experience, from my point of view. Here are my top five lessons after living as a woman.

5. Women have responsibilities that we men can’t even begin to imagine.

Fellas, can YOU imagine being the head of government of the strongest economy in the European Union? I sure couldn’t, not before I spent two weeks in the body of an average woman. Who are we at war with? Where does the money go? Are refugees a crisis? Now that I completely understand women, I’m here to tell you that these are the kinds of issues women have to tackle every day.

4. Even in 2016, women have to ask a group of mostly men for permission before acting.

Women are liberated and uppity, right? I thought so too, but, wrong. Dead wrong. As the leader of the executive branch of a socialist democracy, women are not free to do what they want to. They have to ask a bicameral legislature, composed largely of men, before they do things. Is this the Middle Ages? Yikes. We can do better than that. As a male feminist, I know that if we end the Bundesrat and Bundestag, we’ll be one small step closer to true equality. Tweet #TheBundesWRONG to help fix this!

3. When women have a “Girl’s Night Out,” they aren’t doing what you think.

What do they talk about? Gossip? Boys? Celebs? Sure, that’s what we all assume, but not today’s woman! They hammer out trade agreements, arrange transportation of enemy combatants between black sites, and approve covert drone strikes on active ISIS leaders. Um, wow! Makes you feel pretty lame for getting a pint with the boys and gabbing about football, huh? Chalk up another point for the girls—which, trust me, women definitely prefer being called.

2. They poop.

You heard it here! ‘Nuff said.

Where’s #1? Glad you asked. Women don’t earn as much money as their male counterparts—Angela Merkel’s salary pales in comparison to that of a Saudi prince despite doing the same work I’m pretty sure—and so, to give you one final taste of exactly how it feels to be a woman, this list has fewer items than a male list would. Yeah. Get it now?

Well, there you have it. I hope more men swap bodies with Angela Merkel so they can know what it is to be Woman, and then go out into the world and tell people the real female perspective. Women often struggle to be heard, so it’s up to us, male feminists, to speak for them. We are Angela Merkel. Hear us roar.