World Wrestling Entertainment (WWF), responding to widespread criticism that its upcoming all-women Evolution pay-per-view unfairly excludes men, announced today that the event will indeed feature men as scantily clad managers and valets.

“WWE is a progressive organization founded on the principles of equality and diversity,” reads a statement issued by the company this morning.

“That is why the Evolution pay-per-view will include male WWE superstars, who will prance coquettishly at ringside, slinkily enter the ring, and distract the referee with their taut, golden skin and pouty lips.”

According to WWE’s website, Evolution will feature male members of the roster such as:

Sensational Shawnee Michaels, whose tushy will make you do a double-take, and whose eyes are already doing a double-take

Seth Rockin’ Rollins, a sassy bad-boy who is not afraid to show off his assets, whether in the ring or via text message

The B-Ella Twins: Bo “Debbie Does” Dallas and Purr ‘Dis Axxxel

Bra ‘n’ Strowman

Brooke “The Breast Incarnate” Leznar

Danielle Briean

According to backstage rumors, the Evolution event will feature Trish Stratus forcing Vince McMahon to crawl on all fours and bark like a dog.