"Slow and steady wins the race. That's how I've always thought of my career," Judy Greer said over breakfast at Mess Hall Kitchen in Los Feliz, Calif. "I learned that early on from seeing other actresses come out of nowhere and disappear just as fast."

In a town where everyone's looking for what's newest, freshest, and youngest, Greer's been able to work steadily over the last 17 years, thanks to what the actress calls a little bit of luck, a lot of hard work, and never actually landing a star-making role. "In the beginning of my career, I felt like every director thought he was discovering me because I'd never had that moment," she said without a hint of bitterness in her immediately identifiable voice. "Now, longevity is the best thing for me."

Greer aims to lock in that longevity by ensuring her roles are as wildly varied as possible. And since the 38-year-old actress actively jumps between big budget films (like the upcoming Dawn of the Planet of the Apes), indie movies (like Oscar winner The Descendants), romantic comedies (like 13 Going On 30), mainstream network television (like Two and a Half Men), edgy cable fare (like Californication), and animated projects (like Archer), her plan seems to be working.

The latest addition to Greer's ever-evolving resume is her memoir, I Don't Know What You Know Me From: Confessions of a Co-Star, which is her first literary offering. "Writing a book was always a closet fantasy of mine that I never really talked about," she revealed. "I always fantasized about being a writer, but I thought everyone did. While the book is Greer's first formal tome, she's kept journals her entire life. "It's not like I'd never written before; I just never did it for anyone to read. Although, in a lot of ways, I kind of wrote this book not really thinking that anyone would read it, which is stupid."

Not that Greer allowed that notion to grant her the freedom to tell tales out of school about her famous co-stars. "I genuinely don't have a lot of bad things to say about people I've worked with," she said. "Yeah, maybe one person was a jerk one day and I didn't write about it — but guess what? So am I sometimes. I think working on a set can bring out the worst in people, so I didn't think it was fair to say that's how a person is just based on that atypical interaction."

And while she may be above judging her co-stars, Greer is incredibly accurate when it comes to guessing which of her 80-plus roles an approaching fan is going to mention, a process she calls "fan profiling." In I Don't Know What You Know Me From, she explains her approach: "I would look at your age, sex, and clothing and probably be able to pinpoint what role I've played that you responded to. It's taken me 15 years, but I'm pretty good at profiling now." Over breakfast, Greer told BuzzFeed, "I'm right 80% of the time," a claim she backed up by correctly singling out my favorite performance of her's (Arrested Development).

But Greer is making it increasingly hard to maintain her high level of fan profiling accuracy, as two decades of being Hollywood's go-to best friend have made her one of the most omnipresent actors currently working. Here are, in her own (slightly edited) words, Greer's memories of the projects that got her where she is today.