“Okay, I can do Monday, Wednesday, or Saturday. Does any of that work for you guys?” asks Ashley Davidson in the public forum of her personal Dungeons & Dragons group chat—a message quickly seen and left unresponded to by three of her five players. “If not, I might be able to make a different day work with enough notice. Guys?”



“I don’t know why this is so hard for everyone,” Ashley tells us. “I mean, I get that we’re not kids anymore and we all have stuff on our plates. I don’t know. I’m excited for my players to meet the Dracolich Lord of the Infinite Hellplanes, but we need to make sure Jeff can get a ride first. I’ve been DMing a long time, in both senses of the word. Can we please just work this out already?”



Finally, Piper Laine, a half-orc paladin, chimes in. “Uh yeah, Wednesday should be fine,” proclaims the righteous savior of the weak, the broken, and the conversation. “Saturdays work normally but I’m going roller skating with my cousins this weekend.”



“Yeah, I’m just ready for this conversation to be over, same as anyone else,” Piper tells us when reached for comment. “We’ve been deliberating on this for what, two, three days now? I just wanna kill monsters and have sex with elves, man. I think it was Jeff who had the bright idea to fill out a spreadsheet with our weekly schedules? Yeah, thanks, I think I’ll pass. Goddamit, Jeff.”



“Ah, Wednesday isn’t gonna work for me, sorry,” replies gnome rogue Michael Cooper, dealing 1d6 in bonus sneak attack damage to the already-staggered room. “I’m helping my parents install a new refrigerator that day. It’s gonna be this whole big thing. It has one of those little things where you get ice cubes without needing to open the freezer. Could we maybe push it to Thursday or Friday?”



“I like DnD. I really do,” states Michael in our interview. “I wish we could just play without it being this whole big thing. It’s like we never have time for each other. Last week, we were supposed to visit the Eternal Cathedrals of the Millenium Frostlands, but Jeff straight up fell asleep and didn’t show. I understand he had a long day at work, but seriously Jeff, get it together.”



“Whenever,” says Jeff, “Just let me know.”



At press time, Jeff had been kicked from the group chat.

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