EAST AURORA, NY—Apologizing to customers for mistakenly boosting their children far past the height of the average kitchen table, Fisher-Price officials announced Thursday that they had recalled thousands of dangerous 30-foot-tall high chairs. “After a thorough investigation, we have determined that the risk of a toddler wiggling out and immediately falling three stories to the ground is simply too great,” said Fisher-Price CEO Ynon Kreiz, adding that although the 4-in-1 Total Clean Sky Chair had various safety features, including a toddler-catching net below, it simply wasn’t enough. “We understand that many of the problems were inherent to our design, and we sincerely apologize to anyone whose toddler somehow unbuckled their harness and fatally plunged 10 yards to the floor, as well as parents who fell off the high chair after attempting to climb up and feed their children. We are happy to offer a $100 refund to anyone who suffered a severed limb while trying to collapse the chair to its lowest height of 25 feet.” At press time, Fisher-Price had also issued a recall on their SUV-sized Laugh & Learn Smart Cars after several models ran over parents and crushed them to death.

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