Your free ride is over. Health care is a problem, not a privilege. Stop whining.

Your name: _____________________________

Address: _____________________________

Are you sick a lot? YES___ NO___

Are you a Congenital___ Compulsive___ Frequent___ liar?

Faking illness began in Crib___ Playpen___ Kindergarten___ Grade School___

Proceed only after signing the following health-care oath:

I am not rich enough to pay my medical bills, so I expect the government to cough up the money, even if the government had nothing to do with it.

(Check one) True___ Probable___ Not Yet, but Close to Being Proven___

Sign Here: _____________________________

Photograph by Gene J. Puskar / AP

PART I: CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH-CARE-PLAN DISCLOSURE

Where does it hurt?_____________________________

Aha! You are already sick. This is a preëxisting condition. Claim rejected.

PART II: HEALTH-CARE-PLAN REIMBURSEMENT POLICY

The new health-care plan redoubles previous efforts to avoid, postpone, or obfuscate the reimbursement process until you give up, or to flatly refuse payment of your claim due to any of these factors:

1. You are a preëxisting applicant.

2. Russian hackers sold your case file to China.

3. All Health-Care-Plan funds are now in the hands of Health-Care-Plan Czarina Ivanka Trump, who has sole responsibility for divvying up said funds among persons on the list.

3a) Your name is not on the list.

PART III: HEALTH-CARE-PLAN-BENEFITS QUALIFICATION INDEX

Carefully examine this Health-Care-Plan Qualification Index to find out if you are eligible for payment or reimbursement.

Ineligible: Sickly/Crippled/Mexican/Feminist Agitator/America-Hating Reporter/Crooked Hillary/Crooked Hillary Henchperson/Flying-Saucer Unbeliever/Ungrateful Black Athlete/Member of Media/W.W.E. Critic/Homo/Muslim/Foreigner/etc., etc.

TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOUR ETHNIC, RACIAL, ECONOMIC, POLITICAL, OR OTHER GROUP AFFILIATION HAS BEEN ADDED TO OR SUBTRACTED FROM THIS INDEX, FOLLOW THE PRESIDENT ON TWITTER.

PART IV: HEALTH-CARE PLAN IN ACTION

The true test of any new government initiative is whether it slyly bends the nation’s laws to favor friends, punish enemies, and protect vested interests. For example:

JILL: How can the Health-Care Plan evade responsibility for paying for the brain surgery of a poor couple’s infant?

BILL: Harass the mother with faked evidence of drug use; have the father’s car run off the road and flatten an old lady; get a crooked pediatrician to testify that the baby is brain-dead. Presto: another Health-Care-Plan file is closed!

Glossary of Health-Care-Plan Terms (please define):

Medicare

Medicine

Meddle

Media (fake news)

Medicaid

Medieval

Medium-rare

Mediation

Medevac

Medea

Mediocre

Mediterranean