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(photo: @rolinsndvl)

I HATE being a mother. I fucking hate it. Never wanted kids. Yet I was a dumbass 18yo with the “I’m invincible, itll never happen to me!” attitude. I’ve never been so miserable with my life since I found out I was pregnant.

Let me make this ABUNDANTLY clear that I do NOT hate my child. I love him so much, I truly do. And I’m a great mother. Anyone who knows me knows how much I do for my child. I quit my well paying job to be a stay at home mom.

I breastfed him for 2 years. Through a severe tongue-tie he had, that made my nipples bleed, crack, burn and I would sob while he fed for 45 mins straight. Through the aftercare of getting it lazer corrected. If you’ve never been through correcting a severe tongue tie and the aftercare while regretting ever getting pregnant and trying to push through and breastfeed because its what’s best, you DO NOT understand the strain it puts on you.

My son didnt sleep through the night until 11months old. I never sleep trained. I accepted the 3 hours of broken sleep a night, every night. Cried every day, every night. Living 800+ miles away from family and friends, dealt with it on my own while my husband works. I’ll wrap it up and say, as much as I regret having my son. I stepped up to the fucking plate and did everything I could to be as best I could. And I STILL am.

It doesnt change the fact I am so fucking miserable. My marriage has gone to shit. My mental health is worse than ever. I’m so stressed and anxious I only get about 4 hrs of broken sleep a night even though my son is now 2.5yo and sleeps through the night just fine. I have at least 1-2 anxiety attacks a day. My son is incredibly well behaved, smart, and sweet. He gives me unprompted hugs and kisses multiple times a day. Rather advanced for his age as well. But yet, I struggle to get out of bed because I know I will have to spend my day with him.

I just hate being a slave to another human being. I know it’s not his fault but holy fuck, this is torture. TORTURE. Every single part of being a mom is *TORTURE*. Cant eat in peace. Cant piss in peace. Cant shit in peace. Cant even watch a YouTube video without pausing it every 15 seconds because hes up my ass. Cant finish a thought process without being interrupted. Cant clean the house without it being a 4hr process cause he is following behind me destroying everything I’ve just cleaned. A quick 5 minute run to the store? Lol yep, add 20 minutes and 5x the stress.

EVERY. SINGLE. PART. OF. MY. LIFE. IS. WORSE. Since I’ve had my son. Single handedly one of the worst things to ever happen to me. And yet I am stuck. 250% stuck in this roll for the -rest- of my life. I’m 22yo and my life is fucking over. Over. I hate my life and I wish I could just die and start over. I wish genies were real. My only wish would be to go back in time and never get pregnant. Its ruined my life. And it’s all my fault. Fuck this shit. I hate myself for ever allowing this to happen. Here’s to 60 more bullshit years of misery! Cheers!!!