ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister has this afternoon stepped in to quell the hysteria surrounding caramelised onions at Bunnings warehouses today by announcing a $2bn package to ‘buy-back’ the deadly vegetable before somebody dies.

Speaking to the media today from Singapore, Scott Morrison explained that action needed to be taken and that action has now been taken.

He fronted cameras a short time ago with bits of lunch down the front of his shirt and a goofy, happy-go-lucky timbre to his voice.

“Enough is enough,” he said, sheepishly.

“I’m not going to let somebody die on my watch. Not now, not ever. People are not allowed to die anymore. And what a way to die? Slipping back with a nick nack paddywack on the back of your skull! Like in the Man from Snowy River!”

The Prime Minister briefly imitated what witnesses describe as a ‘whip-cracking’ motion.

“Whooopish! Only then to flip-flop around indignantly on the footpath beside the sauso-sizzle-blizzle and seize up like a carp on a riverbank while all the ladies scream and Bunnings folk rush to cover your writhing corpse up with a tarp! What a way to go! I’m making sure no Australian has to go through that!”

When asked when the proposed buy-back scheme would start, ScoMo smirked and shrugged.

“Don’t shoot me, I’m only the messenger!” he said.

More to come.