Korean developer Pearl Abyss has recently sold CCP and EVE Online to San Francisco developer Linden Labs. According to Pearl Abyss spokesperson Kyung Kim, “…EVE simply did not meet our expectations.The player community embarrassed us with juvenile antics, with constant attempts to harass and belittle one another. We are ashamed of our association with this franchise, and happy to be moving forward with other opportunities.”



Linden Labs, best known for the ever popular Second Life, was quick to snatch up the rights to EVE. Offering an undisclosed sum, Linden hopes to fully integrate EVE within a single “SIM” on their mainland server. Chief Technology Officer Jeff Petersen discussed the acquisition: “We were inspired by the fact that EVE’s legacy code is based upon the same innovative design concept as Second Life. This was apparent when CCP tested an ability for ‘capsuleers’, or ‘avatars’ as they are now known, to undock from their spaceship and explore a fully functional three-dimensional reality. Where CCP failed to further develop this, Second Life is able to offer an expansive and immersive experience. We want everyone to create their own unique space home, within which they can literally spend their entire life.”



The merger of these two gaming systems will revolutionize EVE gameplay, allowing battle weary pilots to explore the Jita marketplace, or supervise the construction of a fully customizable planetary production site. Some critics have expressed concern that this added complexity might introduce lag, but Linden Labs is confident that their servers are up to the task. Petersen explains, “We have never had any issues with lag or ‘time dilation’. Our most popular sim, London, loads within mere minutes. The same will be true in Jita, where station traders will be able to stroll casually through aisles of merchandise, while encountering not only individuals from their own New Eden universe, but also an assortment of furry dinosaurs, elderly men masquerading as twelve year old lesbians, and one legged vampire dildos.”



Perhaps the most exciting feature which will soon be available to veterans of EVE, will be the ability to have limitless lag-free sex within and with any number of capsuleers, spaceships, space stations, asteroids, and creepy robotic wheelchairs. EVE is already well known for its distinct roleplay community, and the denizens of Amarr are particularly thrilled to learn about the opportunity to combine their existing EVE and Second Life accounts. Already, Atrons and Punishers are selling out across Domain, as Amarrites anticipate using them for carnal pleasure.



Meanwhile, EVE’s currency ‘ISK’ is being supplanted by ‘Lindens’, which can be used to purchase anything from a Titan-class warship to a titan-sized fully functioning purple dragon penis which is capable of spewing gouts of fire while throbbing on command. Petersen adds, “Instead of merely piloting a spaceship, players will now have the chance to literally become that ship. This will not change the actual mechanics of play; allowing the freedom to fully express one’s inner self. It will also create new opportunities for conflict. For example, instead of warping into a gatecamp, you might instead be warping into a gangbang.”



The purchase of EVE has set Linden Labs upon a path toward greatness, as they reinvent the very definition of a computer game. Petersen explains, “Games should not merely be something which we play every now and again, when we have a little freetime, but something which we are continually doing throughout the day. Users of Second Life routinely engage in online prostitution while AFK, and we expect that EVE’s dedicated mining community will welcome this alternative form of income. Similarly, Second Life has a committed scammer community, devoted to encouraging nubile young women to don magical collars which permanently enslave them. These scammers will most assuredly find their place across New Eden, luring new players into perpetual low security bondage.”



In the future, we can expect that CCP will continue to acquire a diverse collection of legacy titles from the turn of the century. One item which Petersen indicated was under consideration, is Paradox Interactive’s brilliant Clausewitz engine, “It’s not enough for players to merely enjoy spaceship sex. We want them to create their own inbred dynasties, sacrificing castrated children to the dark gods, while planning their next campaign of genocidal conquest. The Clausewitz engine is well known for its bug-free implementation, and this will fuel ‘total war’ across New Eden.”



One feature which Clausewitz will introduce to EVE, is the notion of a casus belli. For example, it will no longer be possible for Goonswarm to arbitrarily seize territory from its neighbors, without first deploying a diplomat to fabricate a claim upon the desired star system. Meanwhile, space leaders will have to think seriously about the citizens who inhabit their planets. This will be particularly important for individuals engaged in planetary interaction, where an unexpected opinion malus may undermine production for decades. Clausewitz will also allow bored players to speed up time, fast forwarding into the future, and slowing down to savor any interesting moments.



Ultimately, we can only wait with anticipation for EVE to become fully integrated, allowing us to experience all the wonder and splendour New Eden has to offer.