This weekend brings about one of the most glorious, watchable, clusterfucking good times in all the sports world: the NBA All-Star weekend.

I know what you’re thinking: All-Star games suck. In fact, they suck hard. But that simply isn’t true about the NBA All-Star weekend. It’s out of control. It’s self-indulgent. The game itself is more like a parody of the basketball that gets played in a typical NBA game than legitimate athletic competition. And it’s still so damn fun. It’s essentially the sporting equivalent of Lip Sync Battle.

As it has progressed, guided in large part by TNT’S crew of never-serious analysts and their best-chemistry-on-TV, the All-Star game has achieved a certain winking self-awareness that other events of this type lack. No, it doesn’t matter. Yes, we know that, and so do the players, but that doesn’t mean they don’t seem to have a rollicking, dunking good time. The NBA All-Star weekend is in on the joke.

While the first event was a Kevin Hart and Drake-filled mess of terrible celebrity basketball and absurd antics that proved supremely enjoyable, Saturday’s festivities should be even more fantastic.

What I wanted to focus on for this post is how we could make this weekend even better. And I think we should start with fixing the Skills Challenge. While I don’t have a huge beef with the relatively silly contest that pits NBA players in a timed event to see who can weave between cones and make bounce passes the fastest, I think there are a few additional skills that should be added into the challenge that would enable all of us to enjoy it even more.

1. LeBron’s Diastolic Demolition

Skill: In this contest, different NBA players will throw on a Mario Chalmers jersey, rig themselves up to a blood pressure monitor and allow themselves to be verbally berated by an incensed LeBron James. If the jersey isn’t enough to get LeBron into having his patented full-on Chalmers-related aneurysms that characterized their interactions on the Heat sidelines, the Toronto jumbotron will Skype in DeLonte West for a live goad-session.

2. Can You Move Marjanovich?

Skill: This skill will be a contest of strength, in which the participants see if they’re physically capable of moving the 7’3″ Serbian behemoth who appears to be Andre the Giant with a jump hook. They will have to do this while Boban’s coach, Gregg Popovich, stares at them like they murdered his entire family and then framed him for it. (*Author’s note: so, he’ll pretty much just look normal.)

3. The Spelling G

Skill: Spell Giannis Antetokounmpo. That’s it. Not backwards or while dribbling or with a y other obstacles to overcome. This shit is hard enough. Me? I copied and pasted it just to get it in the article correctly. In the lottery-sized chance of a tie, the players will be required to keep a straight face while Charles Barkley attempts to pronounce Giannis’ full name.

4. Kardashian Juggling

Skill: Have you ever seen a guy juggling flaming, deadly chainsaws? You know, a circus act so delusionally insane that you stress-eat your kids’ entire cotton candy as you anticipate explaining to them why a circus performer accidentally amputated every limb on his body for minimum wage and applause. That’s what I believe this next skill would be like. Participants would be required to try to keep a Kardashian as a girlfriend for more than 13 seconds, windsprinting from selfie to selfie, all while Kris Jenner attempts to sell their soul on the downlow to her favorite personal pawn broker: Satan.

5. Don’t Trust the Russell West-B in Apartment 23

Skill: Each contestant must stand halfway between the free throw line and the hoop. The catch? Russell Westbrook on the other end of the court, dribbling towards them with a full head of steam and that classic Westbrookian mean-mug that is utterly terrifying and means that he’s got one thing on his mind: committing rim homicide. You move, you lose. Each player will be wearing wetness-monitored adult diapers (*Author’s note: sponsorship deal with Pampers pending!) and if anyone manages to maintain full bladder control, they win.

(*Author’s note: shoutout to NCB’s Sam Pouncey for this idea)

6. Family Feud: Featuring Markieff & Marcus Morris

Skill: This will actually be an endurance event, in which each competitor will be required to sit at a dinner table with both of the Morris twins and the Phoenix Suns’ management team. The food will be bad. The Morris Twins will be liquored up and aggressive, and Suns management will repeatedly call them by the wrong names. In the event of a tie, the recently-canned Jeff Hornacek will be added in as a late-arriving guest.

(*Author’s note: thanks to NCB’s Tate Vobach for this one)

Honorable Mention:

— The 3 Groupie Weave

— How many times can you pass to Kobe so he can jack up an ill-advised 22 footer before you want to quit the team?

— Can you interpret what Swaggy P’s girlfriend, Iggy Azalea, just said? (*SPOILER ALERT*: NO)

— Attempt to diagnose what’s wrong with Derrick Rose this time!

What did I miss, readers? What other events should be added to the mix?

FIN