Some years ago, I was finishing up at the annual health fair my company offers. It is a nice perk that probably saves them some health care dollars—in the long run, anyway. I’d had my height and weight measured, and my blood pressure was noted. A blood sample had been drawn into a small tube.

I was mostly there for the free flu shot. As I sat and awaited my turn, my foot tapped to the Dire Straits lyrics that kept mumbling past my lips:

Doc-tor Park-inson declared

“I’m not surprised to see you here

You’ve got smoker’s cough from smoking

Brewer’s droop from drinking beer.

I don’t know how you came to get the Bette Davis wheeze,

But worst of all young man you’ve got industrial disease!”

It was all over in about fifteen minutes—except for the “wellness questionnaire.” This was an extra, optional item I’d agreed to ahead of time. I assumed an open spot at the table near the door, and picked up one of the scattered golf pencils. The form was multiple-choice. How much sleep do you get per night? (Not enough.) How much alcohol do consume, per week? (Yeeah, let’s move on to the next one.) How do you feel about your current weight? (I WAS kind of okay with it, until you showed me that bogus BMI chart. Talk about completely unrealistic.)

There was a question about exercise—what types of activities did I enjoy? I was to “check all that apply.”

Jogging? Cycling? Rowing? …Weight lifting? Sprinting? Plyometrics? (huh?) Included in the list were some items that seemed more… practical. They were activities that perhaps did not seem like exercise. Walking. Raking leaves. Swimming. Sure, I thought—I don’t hate doing those things. Here was one: chopping wood. I had no immediate prospects of wood chopping. We lived in a condo; we didn’t even have a yard. But I always did like to chop wood. It was task-oriented, and it left me physically exhausted. What better way to manage anxiety and restlessness? So what the heck, I checked the box.

Days and weeks passed, and I forgot all about the health fair. One day, a very large envelope arrived in the mail. Inside was a folder full of fliers touting a healthy lifestyle. My personalized report was included as well. Here is what I learned: I was overweight, and my blood pressure and cholesterol were in a competition for attention. In the summary, it was strongly suggested that I begin exercising more.

Wow, shocking revelation. The best part, though: based on all the data collected on my present condition, the experts (no doubt, a team wearing lab coats, holding clipboards and sporting head gear with one of those shiny circle things attached) had calculated a brilliant conclusion: “May we suggest you consult with your doctor, and adopt a regular routine involving chopping wood.”

Years later, my wife and I moved. We actually now live on a wooded lot. I am able to chop wood any time I choose. That chore can tend to be my go-to activity when I am stressed.

Guess what I was doing last Sunday, after the Cleveland Browns-Baltimore Ravens game?

I wish I knew why I get so worked up over a Browns loss. It’s not exactly a surprise. Before the season, I set my over-under win total at four. (It’s an annual prediction, until they prove they are better. A win a month.) Feelings like that are the exact opposite of what following sports is for, in my opinion. It is supposed to be fun—right? I suppose that’s why I enjoy our Cleveland sports history so much. There’s a treasure trove of stuff to enjoy, and we can cherry pick whatever we want.

Unlike the football tradition of many cities’, ours is as deep and expansive as that of many baseball teams’. One of the ways this is manifested is in the list of nicknames of Browns players we can compile, going back to that inaugural, 1946 season. These are sure to evoke memories and reactions. My own personal ‘word association’ reactions are in italics. (I am only going one-deep at each position. Feel free to add to the list in the message section below.)

COACHING STAFF:

Head Coach: Eric Mangini, “The Man-Genius”

OK, here is your gentle reminder that a Cleveland Browns figure need not be among the best, or even memorable, to have had a nickname. He may not even have ‘earned’ the nickname in Cleveland.

After the 2008 season, Phil Savage and head coach Romeo Crennel were finally fired by owner Randy Lerner. Lerner learned of Eric Mangini’s availability (he had just been let go by the New York Jets), and almost before his next breath, he made the Bill Belichick protege the new Browns coach (the actual time lapse was nine days- including the New Year’s holiday).

The word on the Browns locker room under Mangini was that he beat them down with micro-management. He clearly was not the answer. When Holmgren was brought in by Lerner (in a rush that was reminiscent of his Mangini hire), he delayed the inevitable by retaining the coach for his first year as team president.

Clearly, Mangini was awful. We referred to him in another, less polite manner. It was another twist on his surname.

DEFENSE:

Defensive Tackles: “Three-Mile Lyle” Alzado and Carl “Big Daddy” Hairston

Lyle Alzado was one of the top defensive linemen in football, from 1971 to 1985. He played for coach Sam Rutigliano in Cleveland from 1979 to 1981 (the Kardiac Kids era). He was known as “Three Mile Lyle” due to his volatile personality. It was said others seldom knew what to expect from Alzado—it often seemed he had a split personality. At times he was warm and friendly, and other times angry and violent.

He died of brain cancer in 1992. He blamed the illness on his steroid use. Some contend steroids may not have been the cause—who is to know for sure?

Former Eagles defensive lineman Carl “Big Daddy” Hairston was part of the veteran core of head coach Marty Schottenheimer’s late 1980s contenders. I just learned his 20+-year coaching career currently has him with Canada’s BC Lions.

Baseball may kind of ‘own’ the whole nickname thing, but I don’t recall any of their players being known as Big Daddy. Of course, there are several Big Daddys sprinkled through the all-time rosters of NFL teams. Pittsburgh even had a very good one, although it happened to be prior to 1970 so they don’t know about him.

Defensive Ends: Joe “Turkey” Jones and Al “Bubba” Baker

Joe Jones was a member of what Doug Dieken has called “the best defensive line in Cleveland Browns history” (along with Jerry Sherk, Walter Johnson and Jack Gregory). He famously ignited the home crowd by bear-hugging Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw and spiking him as the Browns eked out an 18-16 win. This was in 1976—Turkey Jones’ second stint in Cleveland, after playing some in Philadelphia.

In a small tradition that Art Modell stole from the Browns when he moved the team due to mismanagement and selfishness, vets sent rookies out to pick up “free turkeys” ahead of Thanksgiving every year. It was a trick, as the rookies spent a portion of their off-day searching for a mythical rural location. Some would drive up and down the highway, perhaps stopping at a farm to call and verify the address. Turkey Jones received his nickname for falling for the prank.

Turkey Jones did not acquire his nickname as a rookie. The name was bestowed upon him in his SECOND season; he fell for it twice!

Al “Bubba” Baker joined the Browns later in his career (in what was then an unofficial stat, he’d recorded 23 sacks as a rookie for the Detroit Lions—and no, that is not a typo). He only played in Cleveland for a few seasons, but makes his home there, and is regarded fondly by fans. His barbecue joint (Bubba’s-Q) has been featured on national television.

Does anybody really call him just “Bubba”? Besides when addressing him directly? In the third person, it’s never “Bubba”, or “Baker”, or “Al”. How weird does “Al Baker” sound? No, it’s always “Al ‘Bubba’ Baker.

Linebackers: Thomas “Pepper” Johnson, Mike “Mad Dog” Junkin and “The Assassin” Eddie Johnson

Buckeye fans recalled Pepper Johnson from the linebacker’s days patrolling Ohio Stadium. He’d been a star on the Super Bowl-winning New York Giants teams of the ‘80s. Then-assistant Bill Belichick brought him to the lakefront when the former became coach of the Browns. He helped stabilize the Cleveland defense for three seasons, pre-move.

Yeah, he was good. Although I didn’t appreciate it when he told us Browns fans that he was going to bring some of the Giants spirit to Cleveland- like he was going to teach us how to be pumped up or something.

“Mad Dog” was not actually Mike Junkin’s nickname, per se. In 1987, Browns head coach Marty Schottenheimer publicized scout Dom Anile’s description of the Duke linebacker Junkin: a ‘mad dog in a meat market.’ Anile later lamented that he did utter that phrase—but never touted Junkin as a first round pick. The top player on the board was another linebacker, Shane Conlan out of Penn State (“Linebacker U”). Conlan had a fine career with the Buffalo Bills. Junkin made it obvious in training camp that he was not an NFL player. He did intercept a pass in an exhibition game, but Coach Marty admitted he was out of position.

If only Chip Banks had had his head on straight- what a talent. But when the Browns shipped him off, they needed a linebacker. Marty had nobody with the authority to veto him. I find it amusing that when Junkin was finally let go by the Browns, he did briefly catch on with an NFL team: the Kansas City Chiefs, who’d just hired the man the Browns had recently fired: Marty Schottenheimer.

One more thing on Junkin. If you can call “Mad Dog” his nickname, does that make him the only Browns-related nickname ever to have ‘dog’ not spelled ‘dawg’?

Eddie Johnson, “The Assassin,” was a fan favorite. He was a ten-year player with the Browns of the 1980s. He started some, and settled into a role as a very reliable goal-line run stuffer. He died a young man, in 2003 from colon cancer.

Johnson actually claimed the Cleveland Dawg Pound barking thing was from his years growing up in Georgia, following the Bulldogs. I don’t think anyone bought it, and anyway, he attended the University of Louisville. But that didn’t take anything away from how we felt about the guy.

Safeties: Eric “E-Rock” Turner and Felix “Flex” Wright

Eric Turner was a star safety whom had been compared to fellow UCLA Bruin, and Cleveland Brown, safety Don Rogers. The Browns selected Turner with the second overall pick in 1991. He was a star on the team, pre-move. Turner died at age 31, in 2000, from intestinal cancer.

I think his was the first of the “-Rock” nicknames. Others followed, such as the Bengals’ David Fulcher (“Ful-Rock”).

Felix Wright was signed out of the Canadian Football League by the Browns in 1985. His best years were alongside cornerbacks Dixon and Minniefield, and he’s become one of the most active of all former Browns on Twitter.

His signature tackle was the highlight you sometimes see of him upending Bills receiver Don Beebe, who lands on his head. Wright wasn’t Don Rogers, the All-World safety who died in 1986, but he was a big reason why that D was good.

Cornerbacks: “Top Dawg” Hanford Dixon and “Mighty Minnie” Frank Minnifield

Hanford Dixon was one half of what NFL.com calls the “Number 2 cornerback tandem in NFL history.” (To Hayes and Haynes.) He was the one to start the whole “Dawg Pound” thing.

Frank Minnifield was one of the refugees from the old USFL. When this supremely confident corner arrived (along with the likes of Kevin Mack, Mike Johnson, Dan Fike and Gerald McNeill), the 1980s Browns of Bernie Kosar and Marty Schottenheimer were set up as true contenders.

The only reason Dixon and Minnifield are not considered the best tandem is because they never played in a Super Bowl. They should have—Marty dropped almost the entire defense into a soft, prevent scheme against John Elway. The lack of quarterback pressure certainly resulted in “The Drive”, forcing the Browns to stay home that year.

OFFENSE:

Quarterback: “Automatic Otto” Graham

Otto Graham was the man to lead Paul Brown’s vertical offense in that first, great, championship Cleveland Browns era. PB’s Ohio State Buckeyes had encountered Graham when the latter quarterbacked at Northwestern in the early 1940s. After a short stint in WWII, Graham played for a professional basketball team for one season before Paul Brown signed him in 1946.

For all the notoriety PB got for micro-managing, Graham actually bucked his boss and called a play or two on his own. Notably, in the historic 1950 NFL championship game won by the former AAFC champion Browns. (Against star Bob Waterfield and the Rams of Los Angeles- nee Cleveland, in what some claim was the greatest football game ever played in Cleveland, Ohio). PB loved Graham. His deviation from the coach’s call worked. That helped, too.

Running Backs: “The Albino Rhino” Peyton Hillis and “Touchdown Tommy” Vardell

In 2010, Browns running back Peyton Hillis was a breakout star. Acquired after the 2009 season for quarterback Brady Quinn, he began receiving playing time when Jerome Harrison and James Davis suffered injuries. He ended up with 1,177 rushing yards and 11 touchdowns. The next spring, he was voted the winner of the 2011 Madden cover.

That was the high-water mark for Hillis. 2011 saw his production slowed by injury, and his strange antics alienated his teammates. While fans were told there were more details than were made public, we did learn that he:

The Browns had had enough. By November, they made it clear they would not seek to re-sign Hillis for 2012. He backed up Jamaal Charles of the Kansas City Chiefs for a season, and latched on with the Giants in 2013.

Wow, I just learned there are multiple meanings for the term, ‘Albino Rhino.’

Stanford fullback Tommy Vardell was the top draft pick of Bill Belichick in 1992. Cardinal head coach Denny Green had given him his nickname. Unfortunately, Vardell did not score touchdowns in the NFL at the same pace he did in college. After a couple seasons, injuries took their toll, and his career wound down in the late ‘90s.

In baseball, if you are known as ‘Tommy’, it’s no big deal. I imagine that might be less true in football. But ‘Touchdown Tommy”? No wonder he got razzed by the team. I called him ‘Jelly Neck.’ He looked like his big helmet jiggled a little, when he walked.

Tight End: “The Wizard of Oz,” Ozzie Newsome

Ozzie Newsome’s rookie season with the Browns was in 1978. This was also the rookie season of another Hall of Famer- baseball’s Ozzie Smith. The St. Louis shortstop always seemed to get more attention as “The Wizard of Oz” than our guy, but hey—the Cardinals won it all. Ozzie Newsome was a favorite target of Brian Sipe’s, and later, of Bernie Kosar’s. He set receiving records as he helped revolutionize the tight end position along with Kellen Winslow Sr. of the San Diego Chargers.

I still need to know: does Ozzie really have a game photo of himself on his Baltimore office wall, with his Browns uniform photoshopped in favor of Ravens gear?

Wide Receivers: Dante “Gluefingers” Lavelli and Webster “Webstar” Slaughter

Dante Lavelli was one of Paul Brown’s original core guys. QB Otto Graham, FB Marion Motley, WR Mac Speedie, and Gluefingers. Throughout his life, Brown raved at the strength of Lavelli’s hands. He seldom lost in a battle with the defense over a Graham pass. Like Groza and several other Browns players, he was an Ohio boy who’d been a Buckeye, then a Cleveland Brown for life.

Gotta put Lavelli on a Browns’ ‘Mt. Rushmore.’ Lavelli, Jim Brown, Otto Graham and Lou Groza. Sorry Bernie.

Bernie Kosar’s best receiver, Webster Slaughter was one of the best receivers in Cleveland Browns history. He was selected in the second round out of San Diego State University in 1986, on the recommendation of all-time great Paul Warfield. He was sent away as a veteran by Bill Belichick in 1992.

Before we were married, my wife and I had a brush with Webster Slaughter once. It was in 1989. Coach Marty was gone, but the team was still competitive. Bernie Kosar had just led the Browns to a thrilling Monday Night win over the contending Bears, highlighted by a 98-yard touchdown pass up the left sideline into the Dawg Pound. Kosar and Slaughter were usually on the same page, and they each knew what was coming as they lined up for the play. Once Webstar grabbed the bomb, it appeared the safety would knock him out of bounds. After a pirouette and some tight-rope stepping, he coasted to the end zone. The old stadium’s electricity gauge was pegged.

After the game, we milled about outside of the player exit. Small groups began popping out, and fans cheered. We bumped into Head Coach Bud Carson, and his broad smile was startling- previously, I’d only ever seen his serious stare.

All of a sudden, we found ourselves standing in a small circle with Webster Slaughter. Like many others, he was in no hurry. So what did I say? “Hi, Mr. Slaughter.” He greeted me back.

Ugh. “Mr. Slaughter?” I’d froze. When I face palmed myself, I hope it wasn’t in front of him. Because, of course, he still remembers and everything.

Offensive Line: Tony “T-Bone” Jones, Floyd “Pork Chop” Womack, Mike “The Baabarian” Baab, Gene “Route 66” Hickerson, and Orlando “Zeus” Brown

The Browns hit the jackpot in 1988, with Tony “T-Bone” Jones. The left tackle had gone undrafted out of Western Carolina, and became a fixture in the latter years of the original Browns. He was on the team when they moved, playing one season in Baltimore. He was a Pro Bowler in Denver in 1997. He earned his nickname in college: the team ate steak every Wednesday, and he stole from the younger players.

Well, there was Groza, Schafrath, Dieken and Joe Thomas. A very rich history of left tackles in Cleveland. Insert T-Bone Jones after Diek and before Thomas. The only reason his legacy here wasn’t longer is because the team was moved.

The Browns signed free agent guard Floyd “Pork Chop” Womack in 2009, after he’d helped anchor the right side of the Seattle Seahawks’ offensive line going back to 2001. He played in Cleveland for two seasons.

Mmm, I’m getting hungry.

A late round pick by the Browns at the end of the Brian Sipe era in 1982, Mike Baab was a fixture in Bernie Kosar’s offense. Marty Schottenheimer tried to replace him with 1987 second-rounder Gregg Rakoczy; he traded Baab to New England during camp in 1988. The timing was troubling, and the shock to the offense seemed unnecessary. Baab was brought back to the Browns in 1990, and he gave that team a shot in the arm. Rakoczy left the Browns in 1990- landing with New England, as well. Mike Baab’s second stint with the Browns ended after 1991. He played one more year, in Kansas City- under Coach Marty.

How did he get his nickname? It’s from this video, which has been variously described as ‘bizarre’ and ‘awesome.’

Both descriptions seem fair.

Gene Hickerson paved the ‘road’ ahead of the likes of Hall of Fame running backs Jim Brown, Bobby Mitchell, and Leroy Kelly. “Route 66” (his number) missed two games in 1962, and that was it, over a career that spanned from 1957 to 1973.

Another lifelong Brown. You see photos of him pulling on sweeps. It took forever for him to be elected to the Hall of Fame in Canton (2007), but when he was inducted, Brown, Mitchell and Kelly stood with him in a display of brotherhood and respect. Alzheimers was taking its toll on him, but it was still very moving.

Orlando Brown was an unrestricted free agent offensive lineman when the Browns signed him in 1999. He was the player struck in the eye with a penalty flag thrown by Jeff Triplette. Brown was ejected from the game for pushing the referee. He was also suspended, although that was lifted when the eye injury failed to heal. Brown ended up suing the league, eventually winning a settlement.

Zeus was also on the roster of the original Browns when they moved to Baltimore. He died at age 40 after complications with diabetes.

Kicker: Lou “The Toe” Groza

Lou Groza was the stalwart left tackle of coach Paul Brown’s heyday, and his ability in kicking field goals and extra points made him the standard-bearer in that realm as well.

As with so many of the old Browns, the popular Groza was a Brown for life. Lou “The Toe” remained a visible ambassador for the team and the city. He died in 2000, but not before helping to demand, and then observe, the return of the NFL to Cleveland after Art Modell moved the original Browns.

He considered himself as a tackle who happened to be able to kick.

Kick Returner: “Ice Cube” Gerald McNeil

Drafted in 1984 out of Baylor University by the Houston Gamblers of the NFL-rival USFL, Gerald McNeil was taken by the Browns in the 1984 Supplemental Draft of CFL and USFL Players. He was an exciting punt and kickoff returner during the Kosar era, and played a little wide receiver too.

They’re not saying “boo”, they’re saying ‘CUUUUUUUBE.’

We could start piecing together the second team, All-Browns Nickname squad. Who would you suggest? I’ll come back and add some names as well. In the meantime, I have some wood to stack.