Reading Festival line-up basically “Who the fuck is that?”

Reading Festival consists of bands too cool for you to have heard of.

Because you’re either not cool enough or you’re just too old, chances are you won’t be familiar with the works of bands such as Bolognese, Meme Machine, Super Cigarette, Moist Lizard, Charlie and the Other Charlies Present the Charlie Charlie Charlie Experience, or Pork.

“I guess my time of musical relevance has passed,” said a mournful Jay Cooper, 32.

“I haven’t heard of any of these bands, to the point where I’m convinced they don’t exist and the names are just placeholders on the line-up until the Foo Fighters confirm their availability.

“The only bands on there I’ve heard of on there are Kings of Leon, Papa Roach and Sum 41, and much as I have fond memories of screeching along to Fat Lip in my youth, it’s not really worth a £200 ticket.”

Chirpy young bastard, Elizabeth King, 19, said, “Well I personally can’t wait to see all of these bands that are for me and not you.

“Rats In The Cannon are one of my all-time favourite bands and I’ve been following them ever since they got together three weeks ago. They’re headlining the main stage on Saturday.”