Michael Lucarelli, the former director of market intelligence at Lippert/Heilshorn & Associates who was busted for inside trading, was sentenced to two years and six months in prison on Wednesday by a New York federal judge. Before the sentencing, Lucarelli went on a rather comical rant on what drove him to illegally pocket nearly $1 million in fraudulent profits.

The 52-year-old man was all over the fucking map, blaming his former employer for not giving him full compensation on commissions, and his sexual incompetence that led to a divorce with his wife. Lucarelli even threw his old man under the bus by blaming the turbulent relationship they had growing up. My favorite quote from the whole diatribe has to be his reasoning for doing cocaine on a daily basis.

From NY Daily News:

“I didn’t take the drugs to get high, I did it because I can’t drink coffee — that’s a painful trip to the bathroom,” Lucarelli said.

I absolutely love this play by Lucarelli. The former investor suffers from Crohn’s disease, which is essentially multiple levels of Dante’s Inferno shoved into a person’s digestive track. Dude needs energy to work long hours and coffee is an irritant that can fuck his day up, so cocaine is his next viable option. That’s stone cold logic right there.

I, myself, suffer from the condition and have shamelessly used it to get out of tough spots — mainly whenever I didn’t want to eat my ex’s atrocious cooking. Pulling the Crohn’s card was an absolute veteran move. His mistake was not going all in with it. If he had pinned his actions on the drug addiction and not deluded it with his wife dumping his cuckold ass or Lippert/Heilshorn not paying him enough, I guarantee Mike would face a maximum of three months in rehab..

[via NY Daily News]