First Four

(11) Wichita St. defeats (11) Vanderbilt — Wichita State players attempt their first trash talk with the line, “I guess you weren’t built to last. Get it? Because your name is Vanderbilt, and the “bilt” part of your name sounds like the English word “built.” So we just beat you, so we’re making a play on words when we say ‘You’re not built to last.” Shocker players promptly have the ever-living sh*t kicked out of them in the parking lot.

(16) Florida Gulf Coast defeats (16) Fairleigh Dickinson — It’s the return of Dunk City, and Florida Gulf Coast players are quick to remind post-game reporters that their dorm room is literally on the fu*king beach.

(11) Michigan defeats (11) Tulsa — Despite their attempts all season, Tulsa players are never able to overcome the fact that they are coached by Frank Haith.

(16) Holy Cross defeats (16) Southern — In a battle of the two most boring university names ever, Holy Cross defeats Southern when the Jaguars incorrectly spell “Worcester” in a Name Our Location tiebreaker.

SOUTH BRACKET — First Round

(1) Kansas defeats (16) Austin Peay — Kansas wins handily, but more importantly, senior Perry Ellis picks up AARP’s “Most Active Senior” award during halftime.

(8) Colorado defeats (9) Connecticut — An ill-advised strategy stemming from their miracle victory over Cincinnati in the AAC Tournament sees UConn doing nothing all game but heave 60-foot shots from the other end of the court. Colorado wins 107–3. (Yeah, they made one.)

(12) South Dakota State defeats (5) Maryland — Maryland was at one time ranked as the top team in the nation, but a built-up jet lag from flying halfway across the goddamn country for every game wears on the coaching staff, who straight-up fall asleep at halftime and never return.

(13) Hawaii defeats (4) California — In a battle to determine the state we all actually want to live in, Hawaii edges California with a luau on the beach.

(6) Arizona defeats (11) Wichita State — In the first true matchup between a power conference team and a scrappy mid-major, Arizona defeats the Shockers thanks to the time-tested method of having an infinitely larger recruiting pool and maintaining a roster with a couple of 7-foot players.

(14) Buffalo defeats (3) Miami — Buffalo players remain convinced that all these annoying Buffalo Wild Wings commercials are for and about their team, which becomes an oddly effective motivational tool.

(10) Temple defeats (7) Iowa — Temple’s stock is sky high after the revelation that cult Nickelodeon after-school program Legends of The Hidden Temple may be getting a reboot. Players are overheard in the huddle encouraging each other with shouts of “You heard what the creepy talking statue said! Let’s win!”

(15) UNC-Asheville defeats (2) Villanova — You know UNC-Asheville. Or at least know of UNC-Asheville. Remember the ridiculously tall player that Tyler Hansbrough once dunked on? Yeah, that was Asheville’s Kenny George. George is probably long gone by now, but they still have a basketball team, and that’s who just beat Villanova. Make sense? Great.

WEST BRACKET — First Round

(16) Holy Cross defeats (1) Oregon —It might seem like things are getting a bit outlandish, but don’t forget, divinely named junior Robert Champion is averaging 11 points a game, and Oregon fans do not give a sh*t about basketball.

(8) Saint Joseph’s defeats (9) Cincinnati — Saint Joseph’s sees UConn’s strategy in their first-round game, thinks maybe the gambit only works against Cincy, and is proved shockingly right. Saint Joseph’s wins 279–45, on a stellar 93–25 shooting from beyond half court.

(5) Baylor defeats (12) Yale — I think there’s an obvious joke here about Yale being a bunch of nerds that can’t play basketball, but you’ve got to hand it to the Bulldogs, they really stuck in there and-…What’s that? They got crushed? Oh, never mind.

(4) Duke defeats (13) UNC Wilmington — Someone on the coaching staff lets it slip to players that they’re not the “real” UNC, causing the whole rivalry element to completely disappear. Duke sophomore Grayson Allen spends his halftime tampering with criminal evidence to ensure wrongly-convicted murder suspects stay on death row.

(6) Texas defeats (11) Northern Iowa — Northern Iowa looks to leader Ali Farokhmanesh to seal the win, until they realize that happened six damn years ago and everybody just wishes they would shut the hell up about it now.

(14) Green Bay defeats (3) Texas A&M — The Green Bay Packers, led by quarterback Aaron Rodgers, ride a regular-season record of 12–4 into the NCAA Tournament, much to the utter confusion of every single person watching.

(7) Oregon State defeats (10) VCU — VCU looks to coach Shaka Smart to help seal the win, until they realize that happened five years ago, Shaka Smart is no longer there, and we all should probably move on.

(15) CSU Bakersfield defeats (2) Oklahoma — Buddy Hield, in a sad spoilsport move, continues to blame anything that goes wrong on fatigue from the triple-overtime game at Kansas two months ago.