Communicating with an abusive person exercises patience at best and destroys your soul at worst. Communication's definition is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. Communicating with an abusive person is not possible because the abuser blocks or argues mercilessly with what you say unless you parrot their experience, ideas, or words. Attempting communication with an abusive person is pointless, especially when you're in an intimate relationship with one.

Communicating with an Abusive Person You Love

Once upon a time, my guardian angel spoke of communicating with my abusive husband. She said,

"Don't . . . restate in another way thinking he didn't understand. He understood."

You bet he understood. He didn't like what I'd said. I mistakenly thought that if I could say the right words, then he would understand (love me again) and our marital problems would dissolve.

What I didn't understand was that communication with my abusive husband was impossible. The only right words were his words; the only correct ideas were his ideas. My ex-husband had no problem continuing a conversation for hours, browbeating me until I didn't care one way or the other how the talk ended, I just wanted it to end.

For a very long time, I thought the marathon talks/lectures would end if I could somehow make him understand I wanted the best for us and that I wasn't out to do him harm. I believed he was a good man at heart. I believed that it was my fault that our marital problems remained problems. I believed with all my heart and soul that if I could just communicate in a way that helped him understand, he would see how simple our problems' solutions could be.

I believed I could fix our communication problem because I believed I was the cause of it. That was not true. I couldn't fix the problem because he wouldn't accept my ideas (or me) so long as I spoke my truth instead of his.

Communicating With An Abuser Using Typical Advice

When you search online for relationship advice, keep in mind most of the articles written act like a marriage counselor: they assume it takes two to tango, and that both partners intend to cherish one another. Those assumptions do not apply to abusive relationships.

Typical relationship advice only works when there is real communication between two people. Abusive relationships are void of communication. In healthy relationships, communication flows two ways - from one partner to another and back to the first until each understand the issue in its entirety. In a healthy relationships, both partners want a win-win outcome.

Not so in an abusive relationship. In an abusive relationship, the victim seeks communication. The victim is looking for a win-win and will sacrifice until it hurts in order to reach a resolution. The abuser wants to win, and he or she wants the victim to lose. No matter how much the victim gives, it will not be enough until the victim completely complies with the abuser's way of doing things. And after that happens, the abuser continues to abuse to remind the victim of how bad things could be if they stop obeying.

Advice That Won't Work In An Abusive Relationship

1.) Spending more time together does not work. Your abuser's goal is to turn you into a wind-and-go robot, a puppet on a string. The abuser doesn't want to spend more time with you, he or she simply wants to be able to leave you to yourself and be certain you will think and behave as they instruct. The exception to that rule is when your abuser thinks you're getting out of hand and feel the need to reinforce the training. Training reinforcement is time spent together, but it is not pleasant.

2.) During an argument, focusing your attention to the topic at hand does not work. I'm guessing that many of you experiencing verbal abuse have heard that discussing one disagreement at a time is a good idea. I'm also guessing that despite your best efforts, this does not turn out the way the gurus say it will.

Pay attention during your next argument: Who is the one changing the topic? Abusers see every disagreement as an opportunity to WIN. They bounce back and forth between topics in an effort to confuse the issues and divert attention from a logical argument in which you could actually win. And then, in frustration, the abuser will proclaim that you cannot stick to the topic and there is no use talking with you.

3.) Choosing a good time to bring up difficult topics does not work. No time is a good time to discuss an issue that requires your abuser to change their behavior (i.e. empathize with you, understand your point of view, negotiate a compromise). Nothing you can say or do to prepare for this illusory good time to raise your concern will result in a win-win conversation. Sometimes abuse victims find success by waiting until the honeymoon period comes around. But how long were you forced to wait for the right time? More importantly, how long did your success last when the honeymoon period ended?

Tips for Communicating with an Abusive Person

Sorry folks, but there's no list of tips for this section. Real communication in abusive relationships is impossible.

However, there is a solution for you, the abuser's victim. If you communicate with your abuser in this way, you'll become a survivor or a target instead of a victim.

Take to heart my guardian angel's advice: don't restate yourself in another way thinking [the abuser] didn't understand. They did understand, and no amount of repeating your concern will result in anything other than an escalating argument or, at the least, being called a nag.

Voice your concern one time, plainly and simply. Listen to your abuser's answer. (Reading Control Your Emotions So Your Abusive Partner Can't may come in handy.) Detach yourself from hoping for real communication. Detach yourself from the abuser's manipulating words that will follow. Do not defend yourself against anything your abuser says about your motives, intelligence, or anything else. There is nothing to defend because your abuser is using verbal abuse tactics to distract you. When the abuser is finished talking, walk away. Pay attention to your abuser's actions. Did your request make an impact on their behavior? Write a note to yourself that says, "I raised X concern and it was ignored (or honored) on (date)." Keep all of these notes hidden. Most abusers don't like to find records of what they've said or done.

Over time, after "communicating" with an abuser in such a way, you will come to see that no matter what you say, your abuser manipulates to do exactly as they please, even if they try (not really) to change initially. If possible, the abuser will emotionally or physically hurt you during the process of change to emphasize how difficult and ignorant (not) your request was. At some point, surrounded by the notes of requests you made that your abuser ignored, you must ask yourself: "Does my partner value me?"

No? Okay then. It's time to value your needs on your own. Since your abusive partner will most likely be angry no matter what you do, you may as well make yourself happy. After a while, the ridiculousness of calling your abuser your partner will probably show you there is no relationship between the two of you at all. You will realize that the longer you stay in the relationship, the more needless mental and emotional damage you will receive.

If communicating with an abusive person results in living separate lives and your partner continuously values their needs over yours, then it's not even a relationship. It is time to leave your abusive partner.

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You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so please do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.