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I was just watching one of your representatives on Sean Hannity, you probably know him from the reality show Duck Dynasty. They say he’s the patriarch of the show. Anyway.. I know you are arguably the most powerful religion in the world, and this might seem a little awkward to hear, but… have you thought about changing your public relations strategy? I know Phil has a great beard and all, and he can pronounce the hell of out the “h” in “wh” words, which gives him some real street cred. However, did it ever occur to you that he and some of your representatives may be, well… what’s the word… um… stupid. I’m sorry, that came out derogatory. What I mean is, intellectually incapacitated.

Listen, it isn’t fair to pick on just one person, and it feels anecdotal. So I’m gonna cover your top representatives over the last few years and you tell me if I’m missing something. Take Michele Bachmann for example. Sure, she was a firecracker right out of the gate, and really knew how to get a crowd going, but I think she bet a little too much on that whole “end times” thing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was awesome while she built the suspense. I just think she should have set the date out further, because once it passed it was sort of like watching The Office after Steve Carrel left. If she could have followed it up with something, she might have saved it. LIke, maybe, I know… “Ok, God said you were good enough, but just barely… he’s given us a new date in 2022 to keep trying, and he said I must be elected president.” But she didn’t, so that kinda sucked.

I do have to give you credit though for not betting everything on just one horse. I mean you took some shots, and I gotta give you props. In that same period, you gave us Perry, Santorum and Palin. It was like the trifecta of “mind blown.” When Perry couldn’t remember which part of the government he was going to shut down, wow. There isn’t a Super PAC on the planet that could buy you that kind of publicity. Though it did come at the expense of his perceived intellect. Then you had Santorum state that he would die to keep traditional marriage intact. Though, it would have carried the message better if he were in military fatigues when he said it. The dress shirt diminished the delivery.

Anyway, you more than made up for that with Palin! We couldn’t possibly cover all the reasons why, but had McCain won, you woulda had a goldmine. We’d be shittin’ Christianity. Anyway, it’s hard to compete with a Nobel Peace winning world celebrity running for president, so no criticism there. But back to the point, is this really the best you got in that talent pool of yours? I mean, these folks have been entertaining, but definitely lacking in the ability to process cognitive thought. Could we outsource maybe? Perhaps there’s some hidden gem in India? I mean they even have blasphemy laws there on social media now.

Listen, Christianity, I mean no disrespect. But we really miss the Dick Cheneys. A man that could only be rivaled by Stewie of The Family Guy in his ability to cast an air of Darth Vader coupled with diabolical intellect of Lex Luthor. Again, I know you’re Christianity and all, and you’ve rocked for like 2,000 years so I don’t mean to come off like I know more than you. But this whole Internet thing… it has access to information like scientific facts, and its getting harder and harder to keep people engaged and Joel Osteen just isn’t doing it. I’m just saying, can we at least look at our talent pool? Maybe put a little more rigor into the interview process? Maybe even work on a farm system like baseball has. Anyway, if you want some recommendations, I have a few dark horse sleeper picks. You know where to find me. And if you can’t, go to the NSA, they’re always watching. God I miss Dick Cheney.

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