CENTRALIA, PA—After excitedly sitting down at his computer this morning, local man Joshua Liptak discovered that the all-time best, most original idea he has ever conceived of returned upwards of 114,000 Google search results, sources confirmed. “Oh,” said the 32-year-old, noting that a search of his once-in-a-liftetime “absolute goldmine” of an idea promptly netted a whopping 114,786 hits across hundreds of social media and news outlets including Facebook, Twitter, NYTimes.com, and YouTube. “All right. Well, fuck that.” At press time, Liptak was reading a Forbes.com profile of one of the multimillionaires who pioneered Liptak’s idea nine years ago.

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