How do they swipe right with their hooves? Can sheep get involved? And, crucially: is this for real?

Name: Tudder.

Age: Brand new.

Appearance: A little app icon, with an udder on it, on your phone.

Purpose: It’s like Tinder, but for finding cows instead of people.

I already don’t like where this is going … Or bulls. Your choice.

I consider myself to be an open-minded person, but this sort of thing makes me want to move back in with my parents. Relax. It’s for cows to find bulls, and vice versa.

You mean for dating purposes? For breeding purposes, yes, although what they get up to during their private encounters is not the responsibility of the app or its creators.

How many cows have signed up so far? The app features profiles from animals of both sexes representing 42,000 UK farms.

There was a question I meant to ask earlier, but I’ve forgotten it. Was it: ‘How do they swipe right with their hooves?’

No. Because I think the farmer has to do it for them.

I remember now. It was: is this for real? In one sense, yes, it’s very real. The company behind it, Hectare Agritech, launched the SellMyLivestock website in 2014, and claims that a third of UK farmers already use the platform to market animals. Andy Murray is listed as an investor.

And in another sense? The app carries a disclaimer saying: “This is meant to be a bit of fun.”

Are there any other clues that this dating app for cattle might not be a completely serious enterprise? Well, there is the imminent arrival of Valentine’s Day and the publicity opportunities that traditionally herald its approach. And then there are the puns.

The puns? The app’s description says it “seeks to unite sheepish farm animals with their soulmates”, with farmers “playing the role of moo-pid”.

I actually feel a bit queasy. Doug Bairner, the CEO of Hectare, also suggested the service could be extended to other species. “Sheep breeding is similarly data driven,” he said, “so maybe ‘ewe-Harmony’ should be next.”

Ew. Well, he’s got until next Valentine’s Day to work on that one.

Can I use this app to find my bull a girlfriend or not? You can – it links to SellMyLivestock when you swipe right, so you can contact the relevant farmer.

Do say: “Here we go: pedigree beef shorthorn breeding bull, 19 months old, in the Wiltshire area, not looking for anything long-term.”

Don’t say: “Swipe left? What’s wrong with him, you fussy cow?”