Last week, Congress introduced a bill that proposed eliminating the Environmental Protection Agency entirely. Now, you have missed this little tidbit because of the present record-breaking speed of evil spreading across every branch of our government, and because—in what now qualifies as good news—the bill stands little chance of passing.

Don’t get too excited, though. Because while Republicans may allow the EPA to live on, they’ll probably gut it anyway, or turn it into a zombie arm of the government that actively ENCOURAGES the stripping of natural resources and the hastening of global warming–related catastrophes. In the meantime, the air you breathe is going to get considerably more…oh, full-bodied. By 2020, you’re gonna be walking around town with a surgical mask and running indoors anytime the National Weather Service (if it still exists by then) issues a Category 12 Ash Storm alert.

Which brings us to China. As you know, one of Donald Trump’s most successful selling points on the campaign trail was that he would beat (Alec Baldwin voice) GINA. He’d stop kowtowing to our creditors and beat them on trade. He’d beat them on manufacturing. He’d beat them on racial homogeneity. Really exciting stuff!

We’ll need more big, strong American babies to go work on the Dakota Pipeline, along with future projects like the Yellowstone copper factory, the Grand Canyon oil tub, and the Niagara Juice Falls.

And thanks to his gutting virtually every environmental protection we hold dear—protections that weren’t even enough to save us all from the coming Lava Age—we can suddenly see how Trump plans to beat China: by becoming China. You thought he wanted us to turn into Russia, with all the poisoned journalists and crooked oligarchs? Think bigger! We’re on the verge of an even more sophisticated, coordinated form of oppression. Witness:

1. Pollution! The Center for American Progress estimates that China’s environmental policy is in line with America’s...back in 1970. Fuck yeah, 1970! WOO-HOO! Disco! Mustaches! Orange-and-brown color schemes! It’s all gonna come back, along with discarded uranium in your drinking supply.

2. Low wages! The average worker in China makes just over 3,000 yuan a month—roughly $450 in American money. That’s BIG CASH, and it could be your future salary thanks to proposed cuts in overtime pay and the potential elimination of worker unions. Soon we’ll be the ones cranking out impossibly cheap merchandise to fill big box stores in OTHER countries! I hope you like your co-workers at the keychain factory, because you’re gonna get to spend 20 kickass hours a day with them, seven days a week.

3. Reproductive control! In China, up until last year, you had to formally ask permission to have a second child. That’s not gonna be a problem for you American ladies out there, though. You’ll almost certainly have to ask Jeff Sessions for permission to NOT have more children. That request will be denied. We'll need more big, strong American babies to go work on the Dakota Pipeline, along with future projects like the Yellowstone copper factory, the Grand Canyon oil tub, and the Niagara Juice Falls. As China's Communist party will tell you, it’s worth trading dominion over your own genitals for the glory of your country.

Under Armour Issues Another Statement on CEO's Trump Comments Kevin Plank's support of the President hasn't been going over well.

4. Propaganda! I believe you’ve already met Mr. Spicer and Ms. Conway. Currently, these two lie with the cunning and grace of the DPRK Twitter feed. But in the Trump administration, it doesn’t matter if your lie is blatant and easily debunked. What matters is that you PUSH the lie, and push it everywhere, until you have enough people buying in. Given that Trump plans on targeting PBS, and given that net neutrality will soon be a thing of the past, we’re probably only a few years away from Breitbart News being official state TV, just as CCTV is in China. Lies will be sanctioned, sharpened, and exposed to the largest possible audience, including your schoolchildren.

5. Crushed dissent! You’ve already seen Trump go after anyone who dares to oppose him, including judges, civil rights leaders, members of the media, clothing retailers, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. If he could jail these people, he would. And something tells me that Congress—which now adores Trump because he has given them the skeleton key unlocking every horrific bit of legislation it's ever dreamed of implementing—will soon assist him in making that dream a reality by outlawing the disruption of “public order” (as China has). By 2020, I’m gonna have to whisper “FUCK TRUMP” to you while cranking the volume on a white-noise machine so that eavesdropping NSA Chief Pepe McFrog won't send a SWAT team to drag me off to prison. Which we will soon have many more of!