Tomorrow I fly to the place where my wife and I shared 13 years of our 33 years together. It’s a difficult area to go back to because there are so many memories. When we arrived in Idaho, we had only a few friends and no family. We built a tremendous life together in that state, but things are different now.

I’m going back to check on the possibility of a master’s program at one of their colleges. I will also visit the friends who supported me during the worst experience of my life. I wish I could say that I was excited. Instead, I fell like I’m on a new emotional roller-coaster. Seeing these people, despite all the history, will be good. It’s always nice to see friendly faces.

My life in Idaho was awesome. I did everything I wanted to do in my career. I was proud of the accomplishments and enjoyed our life that we both worked so hard to make. Sally’s job at Macy’s was also good. Many people in the community would come to her for cosmetic advise and she definitely knew her stuff. Every day, we would have lunch together as I would make time in the middle of the day just to enjoy another meal with Sally. Also, I wasn’t a fan of cooking meals for myself.

But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I sold my house and left the area. I couldn’t take the familiarity of a place that brought so much, and that she is no longer a part of it. However, it was home for a long time. People respected the work I did and there is a part of me that wants to go back.

I keep wondering, would it be a good idea to return? Or, perhaps I should go to some place that has no connection to our history and just start over. These thoughts constantly race through my head. I don’t question the selling of our home or leaving the area for a while. I do question on where I go from here. We’ve always had some kind of “plan” when we moved to different places.

I know that I’m putting tremendous pressure on myself to resolve my future. Others sense that as well. I understand that the grieving process takes time, but emotionally, sometimes it doesn’t matter. Trying to give myself time is difficult. There are so many days when I feel, “this does not compute,” or, “how do I fix this?”

I hope to get an idea later in this week where the path will start to lead. It will be a strange feeling to be back in the area to where I owe so much, but find it hard to stay. I wish I could make sense of this.

For those who read this, I have a question. When you became widowed, did you make a big change? I realize you’re supposed to wait on big changes, but circumstances may dictate otherwise.