Ever notice that the last name Cunningham is just a fancy way of saying Smartpig? Yeah. Well, it is.

So, why do we call it “ham” instead of “pig?” Because pigs are smart! And we don’t want to feel bad about eating them! Clever names like “ham” and “pork” and “bacon” and “pork rinds” are buffer words to keep us from having to think that we’re eating “sliced pig” and “gnashed pig” and “sizzling pig fat strips” and “pig rinds.” They keep you from staying awake and night thinking “oh god, I at way too many pig rinds, the crispy, salty rinds of one of the smartest animals! I am monster. I AM MONSTER.”

The only animals we don’t have meat-piece euphemisms for are the really stupid ones. Like fish, or chicken. Meat-vegetables. Think of all the great animals we could be eating if we just came up with cool euphemisms. I’d eat a pound of orangutan if you called it something stupid like “cromp.” Hell, this would be a great way to break through the modern taboo of eating people. “No, no, I’m not a ‘cannibal.’ I’m just eating a nice, juicy, vlarm.”

What would you guys name human-steak? Vlarm? Probably, right? Are there other options? Let me know.

T