Honolulu Lite

Mayo hate hits Food TV and a snag

I ALWAYS felt Food Network's rising cooking star Rachael Ray was a kindred spirit. I thought it might be because, like me, she likes to make fast meals with little mess. Or that she liked to see if she could survive on $40 a day, a trick I've attempted but yet to master. But it was deeper than that. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I got a call from the producer of Ray's new talk show, and the psychic connection was clear.

"Rachael Ray hates mayonnaise," Stephanie Gholam told me.

Gholam is producing "The Rachael Ray Show," a new talk show developed by King World Productions, and Ray apparently wanted to let the world know about her hatred of the dreaded white gunk, the devil's condiment.

I knew there was something about that lady I liked. And, now that I think about it, the kitchen of her Food Network "30-Minute Meals" show seemed to be a mayo-free zone. (She also has hosted the shows "$40 a Day," "Inside Dish" and "Tasty Travels," and is author of a number of best-selling cookbooks.)

AS FOUNDER and leader of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club, a club I launched in this very column many, many years ago, I am the "go-to guy" in all matters of hating mayonnaise. The club, though no longer represented on the Internet, has members throughout the world, a group of people of good taste who might be called "Mayo-Haters Without Borders." So when Rachael Ray's producer wanted to make contact with the center of the mayo-hating universe, she came to me.

One of the first shows Ray was taping apparently involves a guest, "Julie from New Jersey," who shares Ray's and my natural aversion to the white slime. Gholam asked me to FedEx official Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club certificates and other no-mayo paraphernalia to the show.

I sent out the certificates, as well as some decals and the official "Mayo-Free Zone" refrigerator magnet, which I hope to see gracing Ray's "30-Minute Meals" refrigerator soon. Unfortunately, "overnight" shipping from Hawaii actually means "four-day shipping," since we apparently are merely a U.S. possession, like Guam and Puerto Rico, and not an actual state in the eyes of parcel shipping companies.

The FedEx package did not get there on the promised date, so I had to have an official no-mayo certificate scanned at Kinko's and then e-mailed to the show in time for the taping. (I assume the FedEx package eventually arrived, perhaps by a burro, lumbering along New York City's 44th Street.)

If it sounds like I'm coming down hard on FedEx, I am. I was told they have no flights out of Hawaii on the weekend. Why? Planes fly out of Hawaii all the time on weekends. If FedEx doesn't want to use one of its own planes, can't it put some cargo on one of the other carriers? And if you can't deliver a package overnight, or even in two days, spare us the insult of calling the service "overnight" or "two-day delivery." Call it a "Third World Delivery Special" or something more representative of the actual service.

ANYWAY, the electronic versions of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club certificates did make it in time for the show, which no doubt will make the new "Rachael Ray Show" a huge success and provide more comfort to the millions of mayo-inflicted victims across the country than Dr. Phil ever could. This is the first mayo-free show on television, and it's about time.

The silver lining to this tale of international shipping woe is that I now have an electronic version of the Official Worldwide Mayonnaise Club certificate that I can e-mail to any readers who request it. The full-color certificate will be sent free and can be printed out in all its glory on your personal color inkjet printer. Frame it and hang it and let all your friends know you are a person of great taste.

SHARKEY'S Comedy Club presents "A Night with Charley Memminger and Bo Irvine" on Saturday.

Yes, a scary thought. But I've agreed to take to the comedy stage once more and see if I can make "makin' A" even more of an art form. Comedian Bo Irvine has invited me to share the stage at Sharkey's in Aiea, above Dixie Grill. It's all for a good cause. Part of the proceeds from ticket sales and the sale of my new book, "Hey Waiter, There's an Umbrella in My Drink!" will go to the Hawaiian Humane Society.

Bo has a great lineup of local comics who also will be performing. The event is sponsored by Sharkey's, the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, Watermark Publishing and the Hawaiian Humane Society. Tickets are $15 ($12 with military ID) and there's free parking. Doors open at 7 p.m. Book signings before and after the show. Call 531-HAHA.

Also, you can catch Bo and me on KPOI radio, 105.9 FM, "The Big Kahuna Show," at 6:30 tomorrow morning. And I'll be doing more book signings at the Kailua Bookends store at noon on Saturday.





