“A person must have the ability (and willingness) to get along with all walks of life while possessing the mindset of a sociopath.” — Nick Maiorano

Applying this quote to the game, it becomes clearer why some of the contestants are struggling. Most people are there to win a million dollars, but they fail to factor in that the other players are not just going to hand it to you; they are going to try to place targets on you. With the merge this week, targets have shifted and my quest for the million continues.

In my blog, I explained how playing for one million dollars breaks down. Since Survivor is played for 39 days, each day is worth $25,641.03. I have survived 21 days so far, so my gross earnings are $538,461.54 except every three days, all of my earnings are risked to place me at lower levels, much like on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire“? Should I come in second place, I would drop to a level of $100,000 which I earned on Day 4, yet I will have suffered for 35 more days!

Who wants to play like a sociopath? I do because the loss is too much. Besides, I came to play hard and look good while doing so. I didn’t come to this island to sit on the sidelines like the dandy in ice cream pants, the co-ed, the poker player, the bartender, the lady with 40 cats, or the basketball player. Scot never sat out since he was on the tribe that was down in numbers. I was talking about his NBA career. Oh, snap! Spoken like a man who literally lies in the shadow of a player great enough to have a championship ring. The million will be my ring.

12. Peter @47PB

Peter was voted off last week. I changed my mind.

Why does Peter have a tattoo of Aubry in a buff on his right side? It’s Liz, and it keeps him from feeling forlorn. The George Clooney of Kaoh Rong shouldn’t feel lonely. Peter strongly resembles President Obama and you compare his looks to Clooney’s? George Clooney was the best ER doctor ever. He only played the role of a doctor on television. And your point is what?

Peter thought he was the Wizard of Oz, but Joe and Aubry only needed him as a number and are firmly behind the curtain. He couldn’t even pick up on Jeff’s obvious hints at Tribal. Dr. Kevorkian has managed to assist 3 suicides in the game, Liz’s, Anna’s, and his own. At least he found a cure for Brain cancer.

Peter offered a lot more than you give him credit for. Like what? He wasn’t even selected for the Beauty tribe. All he can do is “claim” to be a Beauty. I’m the real Beauty here! Peter is beautiful as well. He takes the time to look at his reflection in the ocean water and actually cares about his appearance. Tai didn’t like him. You weren’t Tai’s choice for a bromance either. Maybe Tai is intimated by true beauty. Maybe Tai doesn’t like narcissists…Hey, wait a minute!

11. Neal @nealhgottlieb–down 7

The snake in ice cream pants was one to watch out for. He was quiet, lurking in the background, and always thinking. Plus, he had an idol in his pocket. I thought he was happy to see me.

How do you trust a man whose brand name is Three Twins? Is that Matt Quinlan math: two is greater than three? More like Brad Culpepper math: two with three equals in, but in reality, two sores with three equals out. That was too soon! He’s healed well and he parlayed his Survivor stay into a huge ad. You’re still on the island and it seems the biggest threat is bacteria. I hope your immunity necklace wards that off! Zombie infections only attack Brains. I’m not worried.

His days were numbered regardless. Neal was the self-professed king, but a lone king without a pawn can result in a stalemate or worse–a checkmate. He was only declaring the power in the game that was gained with his idol. What do the phrases: “I’m King of the World”and “King of the North” have in common? Poor Neal never had a chance! As Tywin Lannister said: “Any man who must say, ‘I am the king’ is no true king. Besides, I’m the King of Beauty hoping to take over Brains and Brawn. So you’re the king? More like an emperor. Let’s hope the empire does not strike back. I’ve read “The Art of War”, so I’m not worried. Maybe you should have read “The Art of the Deal” since you’re on a business trip. I disavow that suggestion. I read to win. In that case, you should have read “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”. Don’t be overly concerned about the philosophy of good gameplay–just play a good game.

Besides, there was no checkmate. You never took him out; the bacteria did. Once people are infected with Nick Maiorano, there’s no turning back. Gross! That should help your dating potential. I made the merge!

10. Julia @JuliaSokolowski–up 1

Yawn. It’s raining. There’s no fridge in this dorm. Julia is only 18 years old. Give her a break. But she lied about her age. Does that make the guys perverts if they hit on her? I never thought about that. I …don’t think so. Definitely not! Your secret is safe with me. Let’s go back to yawning.

Julia is outgoing, positive, and an Alpha Phi. An alpha? Fie! She’s a follower, not a leader. Alpha Phi is a sorority. A sorority sister? In what universe would a member of a sorority win? Jenna Morasca won in The Amazon and she was in Zeta Tau Alpha. There’s that dreaded word “alpha” again. Beware of the alpha females! By the way, how do you know so much about sororities? I guess being a Greek god does that to you. Rob Cesternino was in Sigma Chi and I’d like to think I have his strategic mind. Debbie is playing like Rob. You’re playing like Matt. I’m not sharpening the machete! And how on earth is Debbie playing like Rob? Rob never walked up to anyone and forced them to be in his alliance. Not even Matt? No, he made him feel valuable and needed. Like the way Debbie makes you feel pretty?

So have you described your dream date to Julia yet? That’s creepy! …Which leads us back to Matt. Being Matt is not so bad; he placed second and he won a car. I’d rather take Jenna’s spot and let Julia have the car. She’s not old enough to drive! Don’t remind me of her age! Creepy!

9. Joe @excalintel1–same

All I could think of was Joe’s body! Wrong Joe. This is Special Agent Joe and what a body! He’s how I want to look in the future. It’s all I can think about! All he can think about is Debbie! He lives dangerously. He drinks unboiled water and saws bamboo, then works on his six-pack abs. You’re messing with his woman. Be careful!

Joe is a quiet strategist. He’s observant enough to blow up my game. He doesn’t think there are hidden immunity idols! So creating a triple bond with Debbie and Joe should not be a problem for me. He despises narcissists. I’m not a narcissist! Peter is a narcissist! At least Peter knew cougars are dangerous. Debbie had no interest in Peter. Yet Joe openly disliked him. How much will he trust a man who stole the only age-appropriate woman from him? It’s a 23-year age difference between them, whereas it’s only a 19-year difference between Debbie and me. There’s only a 12-year difference between you and Julia. Now, you’re getting the creepy edit!

8. Tai @TaiTrangSF–down 1

And what it all comes down to

Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet.

Because Tai has one hand on an idol and the other is giving a peace sign.

Everyone loves Tai Trang which is why he must go, but how? You’re going to target America’s sweetheart? People will hate you more than they already do! I am on a business trip for $1 million dollars and Tai is collateral damage. Didn’t another guy go on a business trip? How’d that work for him? Like a true sociopath, he won and he took out the lady who had a funeral for a bat in Thailand. Tailand? Coincidence? In the words of Troyzan: It’s my island! The money will make me even more attractive on “The Bachelor” which can only follow given my island hotness. No one wants a rose from the guy who was responsible for putting out Tai’s torch. Hmmm…Maybe I should cuddle with him and target Scot instead.

Tai has the social skills to stay in the game. He has shown some strategy as well by saving the idol for himself and siding with Scot. He helped peter out the Brains. That would leave Tai in a pretty good position. As long as the Brains don’t figure out he’s the glue holding that bond together with an idol.

7. @Cyd_Gillon–up 1

Cydney, will you accept this rose? She’ll accept it, place it between her teeth, and flamenco dance on you! Is that a bad thing? Focus! You said you went to the island to win the money. Can’t I win and get the girl? Only if you buy her branched-chain amino acids. Besides, she is sleeping with the enemy, Jason. Jason’s an ally, not an enemy. Think ahead. There can only be one dominant male. At some point, you’ll have to battle. Did you see the way Scot sneered at you during the basketball challenge? After a few sips of rum, Scot made plans for a rosy future with me and practically proposed. More reason for Jason to grow jealous of you.

Cydney has played a really good social game so far. She has brains, brawn, and beauty which should take her far. She’s like an American Gladiator, only one who went to Penn. Really? What did she study? Psychology– so not only can she outlift you and outdazzle you, but she can outwit you, too. Is she a sociopath, though? I don’t think so, but her italics wingwoman, Storm, seems like quite the sociopath. So I’ll need to tap into her alpha waves and keep a watchful eye on this Storm. Not another alpha sorority member! No, she is an actual alpha and may just eke by, especially if she links up with alpha males or, worse yet, joins the women. Like Aubry, she’s one to watch. I’ll need to be more like Joe and observe her carefully. I’m sure you’ll enjoy observing that star-spangled bikini. I meant I need to monitor her reactions and try to predict her thoughts. I just had a thought: Maybe you, me, Cydney and Storm can double-date sometime. What a scary thought!

6. Kyle @sargjason–same

As a card-carrying member of the Ted Nugent Fan Club, does anyone expect Jason to have a good social game? Jason is suffering from a deep sunburn on his neck and shoulders. Don’t make excuses for the redneck! He’s a teddy bear in a tatted up body. Teddy bear? The man will be gunning for you. You shouldn’t have offered a rose to Cydney or accepted one from Scot. He knows you’re after his main woman and that his main man jilted him for two Beauties. Well, I offered him Michele as recompense. He’s a bounty hunter. You can’t offer him someone sweet like Michele. You need to get him on Aubry’s or Debbie’s trail quickly.

Maybe he’s seen through my insincere pitch. You did sound like Jon Lovitz’s character offering your wife, Morgan Fairchild. That’s the ticket! I’ll work on my insincerity.

Jason/Kyle/Sarg has an idol and two solid allies, one of whom is allied with another idol holder, Tai. Ixnay on the idolay alktay. You’re still on the island. You’re not supposed to know this. Oh yeah, Michele told me about Jason’s idol. She wouldn’t know that either. Jeff Probst told me…hinted at it at Tribal. You’ve never been to Tribal! Alecia and I have a psychic connection. That’s the ticket! I believe that.

5. Scot @ScotPollard31–up 5

The man has a size 18 foot! That’s 6 sizes bigger than most contestants on “The Bachelor”. You know what they say: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. You’re the second tallest person on the island. And I have the perfect foot size for “The Bachelor”. Where are you going with this?

Haven’t we beaten this “Bachelor” thing into the ground? When Scot climbs the Empire State Building with Tai and Jason in his pockets, you might get blindsided by a superidol. Your height is what gets in the way of his status as a giant, mental or otherwise. I’ll pack a slingshot and take him out.

Scot has a decent social game. His bromance with Tai should take him pretty far. He has ties to Jason and Cydney as well. I’ll need to ally with his group or set up a counterstrike. He’s not going to go without a fight. He’s already wooing your Beauties, and he and his wonder twin might hit you with a superidol at some point. That hardly makes him a strategic threat. He lucked into knowing people who might help him, but this is Survivor. Is Jason going to help a millionaire make another million or backstab him to further himself? I think the latter. He and Jason are my temporary meat shields. Still, do not underestimate that he will turn your minions against you, especially when you reject his advances. Julia is a 14-year-old impressionable girl and Scot makes for a warmer cuddle buddy for Tai. Julia’s 18! She’s 18! And nothing happened!

4. Aubry @aubrybracco –up 1

Aubry will color the world with rainbows and cut you in a heartbeat. Her alliance with Neal concerned me, but with him out of the way, I’ll work my charm on her. She’s the brain behind the Brains. I don’t think flirting will work with her. Then I’ll talk about astrology or social media to win her over. She’s socially intelligent enough to see right through that. There is an inroad to everyone and I will listen until I find that. Good luck with this one!

Aubry’s biggest problem was Peter, but now it might be you since you could steal her friends away. She seems loyal to the Brains, yet she and Julia have a Boston connection. Michele and I have a Jersey connection and she’s a bartender. We have more in common since I like to drink. Plus, we both think I’m dreamy. As for Aubry and Julia, living in the same area does not a connection make. Julia is with the Brawns.

Let’s put it this way, Julia was the only other young female on her tribe Aubry got along with who is still in the game. Joe is grouchy at times, Debbie is in a threesome… or foursome if she handcuffs Tai… and Jason and Cydney have each other as well as Scot and Tai. Aubry is desperate and needs friends and Julia could bring Michele, another bubbly young woman. That makes her the new Anna and we know how much that alliance loved you. Great! I may need to break up another women’s alliance with Aubry at the helm. She has ties to Joe and Debbie as well. You’re running out of allies. But I’m the pretty girl at the party! Don’t end up like Peter’s prom date!

Maybe you’re playing with several sociopaths and they’re a few steps ahead of you. Not Aubry. She’d never disregard others’ needs. She’ll be disregarding your needs if she befriends Julia and Michele and she cut Peter. Everyone is playing this game to win and they’re all very strategic. Before you know it, they’ll be targeting you. Keep the women away from each other! Suddenly, I feel like I’m on the Island of Dr. Moreau with leopard-man chasing me. That certainly explains Debbie’s choice of swimwear. I thought, perhaps, the store was out of snarling cougar suits.

3. Michele @meeshfitz–same

Michele is refreshing, a real girl next door. She’s from Jersey; you’re from Jersey. How quaint! It’s like that Kevin Smith romantic comedy, “Gigli”. Don’t you mean “Jersey Girl”? Enough about Jersey! Is that all people from Jersey talk about– the fact that they’re from there?

Michele is quiet but positioned well in this game with me between the Brains and Brawn. Aren’t the Brains positioned well between the Beauties and the Brawn? Or the Brawns positioned well between the Brains and the Beauties? Sigh. We’ve got our work cut out for us. The game is alive. The game is afoot with a staph infection right now! We’ll be fine.

We? She’s an independent woman. She doesn’t need your help. It’s just the Jersey in me. We’re chivalrous guys. She’s too nice to be manipulative, so I’ll do the dirty work for her. You obviously have not watched “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Women from New Jersey are known to flip tables without help from men and they scream a lot. That’s such a stereotype! Meryl Streep is from New Jersey and she would never engage in classless, emotionally manipulative behavior. You might be right about her code of conduct, but she starred in “Suffragette”. Should I spell it out more for you? Beware of a women’s alliance, bro! Meryl Fitzgerald is coming for you, bro…if not now then later!

2. Debbie @bostonterror21–same

Will you lie down for her like a puzzle? Stop that! Can we pay to see you make out with her? After all, she’s the Trish to your LJ and we know what happened to him. Alexis twerked for him? Poor guy! No, first out at the merge. Sarah went out first at the merge. LJ went out after Morgan. I should be safe since Anna left before the merge. I guess your straight flush beats their four of a kind. Isn’t this about Debbie?

Debbie is playing a great game. She thinks she is calling the shots, but she is the female Coach, so I will become the male Sophie. So you’re the bully! You’re going to shout at Jason to drop his stack, aren’t you? No, but if we are forced to watch Jack and Jill, I might not laugh.

Debbie clearly thinks she is the mastermind of her intel cult, but I will just play along, and before you can say “40 cats,” I will cut her loose. Let’s just say “41 cats” because I think you will just play like you’re her p****. HEY! There are six letters in “puzzle”.

There’s nothing wrong with using your “Greek god” charm to advance in this game. Which god is that? Narcissus? Narcissus was not a god. Like Cronus, I will rule the cosmos and eat my children one by one. So you’re the male Coach and Debbie is the female Sophie? Coach called himself Zeus, and Zeus ate Athena’s mother, not his children. So you’re going to eat Debbie and Aubry is going to pop out of your head? I can see Aubry winning this. I seriously have a headache. Aren’t we supposed to be discussing Debbie? You ate her.

1. Nick @nickmaiorano –same

Nick? More like dick! I prefer to describe myself as slick or quick. However you slice it, it ends in “ick.” That hurts. There’s nothing wrong with believing in yourself and following your inner-sociopathic voice. That’s why I’m still on the island. I’m not fortunate enough to have had half of a superidol pointed out for me. Some of us have to work our charm. Are charming people given the purple edit? They are when they’re on a tribe full of boobs. I see what you did there. There can never be enough boob jokes. I’m glad that starvation is not affecting your wit.

I don’t have a purple edit. I have the stealth mastermind edit. So you’re part of Stealth R Us? No, I am flying under the radar. I don’t think so. Once Joe realizes his woman has been seducing you, you’ll be swimming with the fishes. You’ll be 86’d. Maybe it’s all part of my masterplan. You must keep your options open. I can use Debbie to get to Joe and Aubry to reverse things on the Brawns or to figure out the Brains’ voting plans. You shouldn’t mess with the family or you’ll be leaving in a body bag. Joe’s FBI not a mafia boss. Besides, I’m self-reflective enough not to fall into that trap. You’re certainly the man in the mirror. I’m not a narcissist; I’m a strategist. You plan out how to be vain? I just wish to appear that way: Outlisten, Outshine, and Outsource. Why get your own hands dirty? Because you don’t want Michele to get hers dirty?

Just 16 more days to go, $406,416.00 more until my trip is over. The Iceman Cometh again.

Thank you for bantering with me. It was a pleasure.

NB: The above blog is purely fan fiction and a pastiche. It does not represent the actual inner workings of Nick Maiorano’s mind or his writing. Plus, given Nick’s complexion, the writer would never wear yellow. April fools!