TWEETSPAM: BAND SIMILE EDITION [Jan. 10th, 2010|12:26 am] J. Jacques Sometimes I get on Twitter and just go off on an hours-long stream-of-consciousness tangentrant. This is one of those times.







• Isis would be that girl who was amazing in bed until she started insisting on listening to nothing but Tool while you banged



• Explosions in the Sky would be that girl who's great in bed, sure, but it's EXACTLY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER FOREVER



• Future of the Left would just donkeypunch you and then post video of it on the internet



• Deathmøle would be a promising but ultimately derivative handjob in the parking lot of a Wendy's



• Nachtmystium would be that really weird girl your best friend is super super into and you don't understand it at all but to each his own



• Converge would be the really hot girl you hook up with at a party only to realize she is the town crotch and every other dude has banged her



• Attack Attack would be herpes OH WAIT THEY REALLY *ARE* HERPES



• Dream Theater would be the homely chick from theater tech who dorks only date 'cause they know she puts out



• Dream Theater's mom is Rush, who is actually hotter than her daughter in a weird cougary way



• Black Sabbath is the awesome old lady down the street who you KNOW partied super hard when she was young and sometimes she'll sell you weed



• Sepultura would be a guy who completely ignores all erogenous zones other than the vag because they "get in the way"



• Coheed & Cambria would be a guy who you initally wanna fuck but he keeps you up all night talking about HIS FEELINGS instead



• Dragonforce is the guy/girl in theater who thinks they're hot shit and all the nerds fawn over them while normal people can't stand them



• Mastodon would be the kinda redneck guy who is great in bed and you actually really like but you're embarassed to be seen with him in public



• Dir En Grey is the really hot chick you hit it off with but later that night when the pants come off SURPRISE DICKGIRL



• Pelican is the wonderful girl you could happily spend your whole life with but damn if she ain't bad at blowjobs



• Metallica is Lars Ulrich jerking off onto an original Van Gogh forever



• High On Fire is the really hot girl you have sex with occasionally if you're both single and it's always rad and there's never any drama



• Gojira is the amazing guy/girl you dated during your semester abroad but none of your friends believes any of your stories about



• Muse gave you a mediocre handjob and then shat the bed



• Porcupine Tree started out promising but the minute he mentioned how much he "admired Ayn Rand" the date was basically over



• Disturbed is a dog giving itself a blowjob



• Opeth is the guy you're really happy with but late at night you worry about whether he's gay



• Hum is your high school sweetheart who left you in college and then died in a car accident and you still miss her



• AC/DC is a schoolbus driver



• Judas Priest is your uncle who everyone is so much more comfortable with ever since he came out of the closet



• Baroness is the first person in his family to go to college and is kind of touchy about letting his country upbringing show through



• The Decemberists are that group of drama kids who never talk to anyone outside their clique and have tons of inside jokes you don't get



• Children of Bodom is a guy in skin tight leather pants with an obviously tiny dick.



• LED ZEPPELIN IS YOUR IMMORTAL STONER GRANDPA



• Animal Collective is that guy you know who acts ashamed every time you catch him reading Hipsterrunoff



• Belle and Sebastian is the guy who writes you a poem on the first date and you cringe in anticipation but it's actually a really good poem



• Don Caballero are that girl who is utterly intolerable to be around but holy shit the sex is mindblowingly amazing



• GWAR is the guy who thinks he is hilarious but is really bad at telling jokes



• In Flames is the guy with impeccable taste in music who secretly has a Limp Bizkit CD hidden in the back of his collection



• Xiu Xiu is the guy who breaks up with you because he knows otherwise he will ruin your life



• Death Cab For Cutie is the guy you had a HUGE crush on in high school but now it's your 10 year reunion and he is a bank manager



• Broken Social Scene is that awesome threesome you had in college



• Momus touched your feet a lot when you were a child and to this day you are uncomfortable around him



• You went on one amazing date with Trail of Dead and then he treated you like shit from then on with no explanation.



• Sigur Ros is that exchange student you thought might have had a crush on you but would just blush and run away if you tried to talk to her.



• Iron & Wine is that guy who was just a little TOO into cuddling.



• Apparat is the guy you'd totally date if he would just cheer the fuck up already



• American Analog Set is really quiet and you're not sure if it's 'cause he's "really deep" or he just "has nothing to say"



• nickelback is the guy who tried to pass off his genital warts as a "body modification, it's all the rage in, like, europe right now"



• Fuck Buttons may not be the smartest girl you've ever met, but jesus christ she's funny and the sex is great



• Wilco is your dad



• Slayer is your dad's biker brother



• Vampire Weekend is a rich kid in a polo shirt OH WAIT



• The Flaming Lips are your dad on viagra and antidepressants



• Morrissey is your dad after he's "finally gotten in touch with his true self"



• Justice is the guy you fuck while fantasizing about Daft Punk



• DAFT PUNK IS THE ORGASM THAT KILLS YOU



