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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Speaking at a heavenly press conference held at the Golden Gates Bowling Alley and Poll Hall, CEO of Etnernal Life, Inc., Larry “God” Schumway, ripped into former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann for her comments on the Brussels terror attack.

Bachmann made waves when she penned an op-ed excoriating President Obama for taking a historical trip to Cuba while “civilization burns,” as the title says. God told reporters in the heavenly press pool that he’s “grown accustomed” to the “nutty rantings of Michele Bachmann” and has generally started to tune her out — even her prayers he said. But when he read that she tried to blame the terror attacks in Brussels on Obama, saying it was God’s way of teaching the world a lesson, that he knew he had to call the press conference.

Ms. Bachmann wrote as follows in her piece for World Net Daily.

“Maybe our president’s humiliation comes in a manner so devastating it makes one wonder whether the Creator of humankind isn’t reminding this world of the inferiority of foolishness in the face of wisdom. (source)

“This tin foil wearing douche coozy thought I told her to run for president and we all saw how that turned out,” God told the press, “so no one should get the impression she speaks for me or anyone on my staff.” Schumway reminded the reporters in attendance that the “humans who most often speak for” him are the ones he likes least. “Pat Robertson is a doddering old asshole who clearly has forgotten all the subtext and context of the scripture so he could instead wield it like a weapon against his political adversaries. He’s a pharisee, and Michele Bachmann,” God said, “is no damn different.”

God suggested that Bachmann “take the monumental hint” he gave her by forcing her out of elected office and “resume the life of irrelevance that [he] intended her to have.”

“Look, you know how sometimes you buy a new iPhone and it’s defective and you have to take it back to the store and get a new one,” God asked rhetorically, “well, Bachmann is like a defective iPhone that my factory made. So, I’m really sorry to the people of Earth for releasing the Bachmann line clearly before its mental programming was complete.”

Mr. Schumway at one point took the time to directly address Ms. Bachmann, looking straight into the lens of a camera in front of him.

“I would just like,” God said, “if I may, to address Michele directly here.”

Taking a deep, heavenly breath, God spoke slowly and clearly.

“Michele, it’s time for you to shut your stupid fuckin’ mouth,” God said sternly, “because you’re not just sullying your already useless reputation. You’re turning people off to me. And I sacrificed my only begotten son so that sycophants and morons like you would get the hint. But clearly you didn’t get it, so let me make this crystal fucking clear: mind your own business, Michele Bachmann. Stop pulling splinters out of people’s eyes and focus on the massive log in yours.”

God continued, “You’re not a good Christian, Michele, because you’re not even a decent human being. The Cuba trip had zero to do with the Brussels attacks because unlike you, I don’t think way you vapid cow. Why would I let more than two dozen people get murdered because a politician took a trip to a country you don’t like? What an insanely stupid person you are Michele. And so let me just reiterate one more time — it’s time for you to shut your arrogant, ignorant, stupid fuckin’ mouth.”

With that, God dropped the microphone he was holding, snapped his fingers twice, and disappeared in a cloud of heavenly smoke, that smelled like cotton candy and love.