Most computer users understand that you need an operating system to use a computer practically, even if it is not clear why. But many users don't.

Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"

"May I ask what operating system you are running today?" Customer: "A computer."

A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?"

"What operating system are you running? Windows 95?" Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!"

After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.

Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you running?"

"What version of Windows are you running?" Customer: "I got the computer in 2003, so I think it's a Windows 2003. Or maybe it's a Windows 2004? I got it late in the year."

"I got the computer in 2003, so I think it's a Windows 2003. Or maybe it's a Windows 2004? I got it late in the year." Tech Support: "Um, ok."

"Um, ok." Customer: "Is that wrong?"

"Is that wrong?" Tech Support: "No, no, that sounds about right. Tell me, would you know what service pack you have for that?"

"No, no, that sounds about right. Tell me, would you know what service pack you have for that?" Customer: "Well, when I got to the register, the young man who rang me up said was about the 5th person to buy it. So it might be service pack 5."

A kid in my class joined a conversation I was having about older computers.

Him: "I have the oldest Windows ever at my house. It's Windows 92."

"I have the oldest Windows ever at my house. It's Windows 92." Me: "Uhhh, there is no such thing as Windows 92."

"Uhhh, there is no such thing as Windows 92." Him: "Oh, well it's something like that. I'm pretty sure it's Windows 94."

"Oh, well it's something like that. I'm pretty sure it's Windows 94." Me: "There's no such thing as Windows 94, either."

"There's no such thing as Windows 94, either." Him: "Well it's something like that!"

Tech Support: "What operating system do you run?"

"What operating system do you run?" Customer: "Dial-up."

Tech Support: "Do you know what operating system you're on?"

"Do you know what operating system you're on?" Customer: "Hmmm...what would be a good answer?"

Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"

One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure.

Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--"

"First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--" Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?" (click)

My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98."

"I just installed Windows 98." Me: "Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come out?"

"Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come out?" My Friend: "Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it."

"Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it." Me: "You want to get hacked?"

"You want to get hacked?" My Friend: "Yes! Wouldn't you?"

"Yes! Wouldn't you?" Me: "No...."

"No...." My Friend: "When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good thing!"

"When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good thing!" Me: "???"

My Friend: "What's your operating system?"

"What's your operating system?" Me: "Linux."

"Linux." My Friend: "You better uninstall it!"

"You better uninstall it!" Me: "Why?"

"Why?" My Friend: "The government uses Linux to look through your computer and see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world."

"The government uses Linux to look through your computer and see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world." Me: "Sure...."

Friend: "I heard about this thing called 'Linux'."

"I heard about this thing called 'Linux'." Me: "Oh, I use Linux."

"Oh, I use Linux." Friend: "What is it?"

"What is it?" Me: "An operating system."

"An operating system." Friend: "Like Firefox?"

Friend: "Does Windows 98 support Linux?"

Customer: "Do you sell Mac OS X for Windows?"

Overheard in a classroom:

Student: "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"

"How much do Windows cost?" Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."

"Windows costs about $100." Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

Friend: "Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?"

"Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?" Me: (incredulous stare)

(incredulous stare) Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows."

Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"

Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?"

"What version of Windows do you have installed?" Customer: "... Double glazed."

A customer called in with modem problems.

Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."

"Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed." Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"

"How do I know if everything is closed?" Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."

"Make sure all windows are closed." Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."

Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

I can't even count how many people I argue with about this, yet they insist there is an operating system call "Windows 95 NT."

One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I like mine.

Him: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter."

Me: "Do you know what the registry is?"

"Do you know what the registry is?" Friend: "Oh, yes. I take the registry apart and put it back together all the time."

I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me, "You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool, anyway." I almost fell out of my chair.

In about 1993, Cambridge University had a few rooms of 486s, for use by members of the University. You could get into the rooms at any time of day if you had a key, and the site security would walk around every hour or so at night.

One policy, introduced after a few too many noisy games of network Doom, was that playing games wasn't allowed. One evening, however, I saw someone using eXceed (an X-Windows server for Microsoft Windows) to run Motif. Apparently he was doing something on one of the UNIX machines over the network. The security guard came up behind him, and the conversation went something like this:

Security Guard: "Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play games in here."

"Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play games in here." Student: "This isn't a game."

"This isn't a game." Security Guard: "You can't fool me. That's not work."

"You can't fool me. That's not work." Student: "Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a deadline later this week."

"Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a deadline later this week." Security Guard: "That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Student: "What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to leave?"

"What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to leave?" Security Guard: "You're playing a game, and you're lying to me. Out. Now. Before I turn this machine off."

Even the other two people in the room couldn't persuade the security bloke that it wasn't a game.

Overheard in a software shop:

Woman #1: "What this Linux thing?"

"What this Linux thing?" Woman #2: "It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you can't turn the computer off."

"It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you can't turn the computer off." Woman #1: "Oh."

Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"

Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."

"I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"

"Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?" Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."

"Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"

"Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?" Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"

"Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?" Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"

"Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?" Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."

"Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on." Tech Support: "And then what happens?"

"And then what happens?" Customer: "What do you mean?"

"What do you mean?" Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."

"Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part." Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."

"The same thing I saw last time I tried." Tech Support: "And that is what?"

"And that is what?" Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"

"Yes, sir. What is on your screen?" Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."

"A bunch of little pictures." Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."

"Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'." Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."

"No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it." Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"

"You mean an apple?" Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."

Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.

Two night forepersons at our company were discussing our new computer network after just having been to a brief orientation session. One of them wanted to know what "windows" were, so I explained. Just as she seemed to be catching on to the concept, the other foreperson piped up. "Well that's great, because we have ninety-five windows on there!"

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

"Do you have any windows open right now?" Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

Co-Worker: "What version of DOS does UNIX run?"

Tech Support: "How can I help you?"

"How can I help you?" Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."

"Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not." Tech Support: "What program is it?"

"What program is it?" Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."

"It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'." Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"

"What's wrong with it?" Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

For my work-study job, I work tech support at a small college. One night I was working Help Desk and the phone rings. I pick it up to have a student telling me she can't get the computer to work.

Me: "What operating system are you running?"

"What operating system are you running?" Student: "Hunh?"

"Hunh?" Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"

"Do you have a Mac or a PC?" Student: "Um, I don't know."

"Um, I don't know." Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"

"Ok. What does the screen look like?" Student: "It's yellow."

"It's yellow." Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"

"Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?" Student: "What's that?"

"What's that?" Me: "The big grey box."

"The big grey box." Student: "It doesn't say anything."

"It doesn't say anything." Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"

"Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?" Student: "Monitor?"

"Monitor?" Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."

"The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box." Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."

"Oh! That! No. No start button." Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"

"Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?" Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"

Back in the early days of Windows 95:

Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One."

"I have Windows Thirty One." Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?"

"Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?" Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two."

"No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two." Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95."

"Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95." Customer: "What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?"

"What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?" Tech Supprort: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this."

"You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this." Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?"

"I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?" Tech Support: (giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95."

(giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95." Customer: "I've heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn't that be better than Ninety Five?"

My father decided that it would be a nice surprise to install Windows 95 on my seven year old computer. He had one of his employees give him step-by-step written instructions but neglected to mention that my computer is so old. When I got home he had Windows 95 installed and was struggling to install the first piece of software.

My Dad: "It says there's insufficient disk space. How much stuff to you have on the hard drive?"

"It says there's insufficient disk space. How much stuff to you have on the hard drive?" Me: "It was almost full. You shouldn't have been able to get Windows 95 on there."

"It was almost full. You shouldn't have been able to get Windows 95 on there." My Dad: "Well, I just followed these instructions."

I looked at the instructions and saw that he had backed up everything and wiped the hard drive.

Me: "If you followed these instruction properly, the only thing on the hard drive should be Windows 95. How much space does that take up?"

"If you followed these instruction properly, the only thing on the hard drive should be Windows 95. How much space does that take up?" My Dad: "It doesn't take up any space. It's an operating system."

"It doesn't take up any space. It's an operating system." Me: "No, it takes up a lot of space, and it shouldn't even be able to fit on this computer."

"No, it takes up a lot of space, and it shouldn't even be able to fit on this computer." My Dad: "No, you don't know what you're talking about. The problem is that you have too many files. You have to delete some of them."

"No, you don't know what you're talking about. The problem is that you have too many files. You have to delete some of them." Me: "You already deleted all my files. They're on that stack of disks now."

"You already deleted all my files. They're on that stack of disks now." My Dad: "Yes, and those disks are taking up too much space."

A friend just got his new Aptiva/Win98 system and bought a bunch of software to go along with it. He installed everything, then complained that when he started his computer up, the screen was so cluttered he was having a hard time finding his desktop. I talked him through the process of making his desktop a more simple place by turning off fancy wallpaper, toolbars, and so on. He rebooted and said it was just as bad as it ever was. Sighing, I took a quick trip over to look at it.

Somewhat to my amazement, I discovered that every time the computer booted up, a half dozen or so program groups opened up on the desktop, and all sorts of programs were spilling their menu contents onto the screen. After some poking around, I discovered that he had installed everything -- everything -- into his StartUp folder.

I asked him why he installed all his programs in there. He said, "Well, I wanted to be sure they'd start up when I needed them, so...."

My father likes to delete things from the Windows System directory because he's convinced that's where the swap file lurks. I have to reinstall Windows 95 almost every day.

A friend of mine had an old system with a small hard drive and not much memory, so she continued to use Windows 3.1 rather than suffer under the strain of Windows 95/98.

She called me one day to help her because her computer will no longer run Windows. Past experience had taught me most of her computer problems were self-inflicted, so I asked her what she had done to the computer recently.

Her: "Well, I needed more space from the hard drive so I could get more JPGs and WAVs from my friends on mIRC."

"Well, I needed more space from the hard drive so I could get more JPGs and WAVs from my friends on mIRC." Me: "Ok, so what did you do?"

"Ok, so what did you do?" Her: "I just deleted all the blank files from my computer."

"I just deleted all the blank files from my computer." Me: "Blank files?"

"Blank files?" Her: "Yes, blank files. I deleted tham all."

"Yes, blank files. I deleted tham all." Me: "What exactly is a blank file?"

"What exactly is a blank file?" Her: "When you run File Manager, every file shows a picture. I just deleted all the ones with the blank page picture."

Say goodbye to every .DLL and unassociated file on her system. She was somewhat indignant when she found out she would have to find some Windows 3.1 install diskettes and reinstall every piece of software she wanted to use.

Back in the early nineties, when I was doing PC/LAN support, I was approached by a nervous salesman. He was very concerned because Excel did not work on his computer anymore. I asked when it had stopped working and what he had done. He explained that he had tried to speed Excel up by deleting some spreadsheet files that he did not need, hoping that that would boost performance.

Now, whenever a user gets into trouble after deleting something, this usually needs immediate attention. So I asked him to tell me exactly what he deleted. The horrifying answer was that he had used the File Manager to delete all Excel files he found -- you know, files of type EXE.

I went pale. He said, "That was bad, huh?"

About two months ago, a client called in screaming profanities at me and demanding that I either give him a refund on his one year old system or send a technician out to repair it immediately. His problem was that the taskbar was on the right-hand side of his screen, and he couldn't get it back to the bottom.

A few days ago, a client called in wondering why he couldn't delete items off the Windows desktop. It was soon discovered that he'd already dragged Internet Explorer, MS Outlook, and a few other items off into the recycle bin, and was trying to delete 'My Computer' and 'Network Neighborhood.'

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.

Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"

"What is that little trash can on the screen?" Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."

"My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there." Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"

"Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?" Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."

"Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages." Woman 1: "Why?"

"Why?" Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."

My coworker (who uses Windows 95) was having trouble downloading a self-extracting archive off the net. In an attempt to make it easier to open the file with WinZIP, he associated *.EXE with WinZIP.

Nothing worked after that. Every program he tried to run would load WinZIP first. He couldn't even run REGEDIT to delete the association.

He ultimately had to reinstall Windows 95 and all his programs.

From a Windows 95 user:

Customer: "I think my computer doesn't know what it is doing."

"I think my computer doesn't know what it is doing." Tech Support: (pause) "Why? What is the problem with the system?"

(pause) "Why? What is the problem with the system?" Customer: "Well, it keeps asking me, 'What is this?'"

Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."

"I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95." Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"

"Can you describe what happens?" Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

Customer: "Something's wrong with my computer."

"Something's wrong with my computer." Tech Support: "Like what?"

"Like what?" Customer: "When I turn it on the screen goes all black."

"When I turn it on the screen goes all black." Tech Support: "Totally black?"

"Totally black?" Customer: "Yes."

"Yes." Tech Support: "Does it say 'C:\>' in the corner?"

"Does it say 'C:\>' in the corner?" Customer: "Yes."

"Yes." Tech Support: "Then it's not really all black, is it?"

"Then it's not really all black, is it?" Customer: "I guess not."

"I guess not." Tech Support: "Type 'win' and press the enter key."

I work at an office supply store. When Windows 98 came out, we had a sale on new computer systems. There were more than a few people who were completely taken in by buzzwords and had no idea what they were talking about. The worst case was a person who spent five or ten minutes looking through Windows Explorer, apparently trying to find something. Trying to make the sale, I stayed with her, helping her when necessary. Eventually, I asked to know what she was looking for. "I'm trying to run Windows 98," she said.

Read in a message board of a local BBS: "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

Tech Support: "What software are you using to backup?

"What software are you using to backup? Customer: "Ms. Dos." (spoken like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos)

"Ms. Dos." (spoken like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos) Tech Support: "What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?"

"What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?" Customer: "Oh, no I use Ms. Backup for that."

At least three people from our company have come to me panicked, almost crying. They all say, "I think I just erased a program!! Help!!" In reality, it turns out they just minimized the window. When I open it again, they gasp, "What did you DO?!?!?"

We maintain a 24 hour, 800 number call desk for our maintenance contract customers, a very expensive undertaking. Non-contract customers can call as well, but our per-call maintenance charge is $250/hour, with a minimum of three hours. If you only call us occasionally, it's a lot cheaper than a contract, but it's clearly designed to discourage trivial calls.

In 1996 a per-call customer called. "What does MSDOS stand for?" she asked. We told her. Her firm paid the $750 bill without demur.

One time a user was trying to clean up his hard drive. He saw a folder called "system" which took up lots of space but only had a few things in it. So he moved the fonts and sounds to a new location and deleted everything else.

One of our users, upon receiving his new computer, deleted most of the files in the system area. He said he didn't know what those files did, so he got rid of them. For some strange reason, the system refused to work properly afterward.

Had a user that called the other day, complaining that all her files were "garbage" and that I should take her computer back and fix them. It turned out she was looking at system files. She couldn't read the binary code and assumed, therefore, that the files were corrupted.

I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all binary files because "they weren't readable."

One user -- a regular caller of ours -- got herself into some serious computer trouble when she set about cleaning up her system. She had been exploring the hard drive in the file manager and discovered hundreds of files in the Windows directory with all different file extensions. Being of an orderly mind, and with several hours of free time, she had created a TXT folder, a COM folder, a DLL folder, and so forth, and moved all the files into these subdirectories.

Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down."

"You really should exit Windows before you shut down." Friend: "Why?"

"Why?" Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing."

"Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing." Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?"

Customer: "My machine won't do anything."

"My machine won't do anything." Tech Support: "What's on the screen right now?"

"What's on the screen right now?" Customer: "It's frozen, it's showing my Windows desktop."

"It's frozen, it's showing my Windows desktop." Tech Support: "Try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete, tell me what happens."

"Try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete, tell me what happens." Customer: (taptaptap) "Nothing."

(taptaptap) "Nothing." Tech Support: "Did you hit all of them at once?"

"Did you hit all of them at once?" Customer: "Umm...just a second." (taptaptap) "I did that time. Nothing happened."

"Umm...just a second." (taptaptap) "I did that time. Nothing happened." Tech Support: "Try it again."

"Try it again." Customer: (taptaptap) "No, it's just sitting there."

(taptaptap) "No, it's just sitting there." Tech Support: "Move the mouse around. What happens?"

"Move the mouse around. What happens?" Customer: "Nothing, the arrow doesn't move."

"Nothing, the arrow doesn't move." Tech Support: "Ok, last try, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete again."

"Ok, last try, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete again." Customer: "Still nothing."

"Still nothing." Tech Support: "Hit your numlock key. Does the light flash?"

"Hit your numlock key. Does the light flash?" Customer: "No."

"No." Tech Support: "Ok, you're going to have to shut your computer off. Just press the power button, wait for a couple of seconds, and turn it on again."

"Ok, you're going to have to shut your computer off. Just press the power button, wait for a couple of seconds, and turn it on again." Customer: "I've heard that's bad for Windows."

"I've heard that's bad for Windows." Tech Support: "Um, well, you can't do anything else, right?"

"Um, well, you can't do anything else, right?" Customer: "No."

"No." Tech Support: "Well, you can't hurt it any worse then."

"Well, you can't hurt it any worse then." Customer: "But I've heard it's bad for Windows to just shut it off without shutting down first."

"But I've heard it's bad for Windows to just shut it off without shutting down first." Tech Support: "Yes, but it's locked up. There's nothing else you can do."

"Yes, but it's locked up. There's nothing else you can do." Customer: "Will it hurt my Windows?"

"Will it hurt my Windows?" Tech Support: "Probably no worse than it already was by locking up."

"Probably no worse than it already was by locking up." Customer: "Well...ok...but if it doesn't work, will you come over and fix it for me?"

There is a gradeschooler who lives in an apartment complex down the street for whom I built a 486 some time ago. It's running Windows 95, and I am forced to fix it for him constantly. One day he called me up and said that his computer is opening up all of his files. I grabbed my coat and hat and popped over to see what he had done to the poor thing. He had selected everything on his desktop and made shortcuts of them in a new folder on the desktop, in the quick-launch, and, worst of all, his startup folder. Imagine booting all the MS Office 97 applications at startup on a 486...quite painful.

I put my foot in my mouth rather firmly once. I was teaching a new user some basic UNIX commands just so she could get around on the computer when she needed to. I thought I was doing pretty well, but, in a moment of self-doubt, she said that she didn't think she'd ever learn how to use a computer. My feeble attempt at consoling her follows:

Me: "Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it. When I first started using UNIX, I didn't even know how to change directories!"

"Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it. When I first started using UNIX, I didn't even know how to change directories!" Her: "What's a directory?"

Customer: "File manager? What's that?"

"File manager? What's that?" Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"

"How long have you had your computer?" Customer: "Three years."

Talking to a Mac user:

Tech Support: "When was the last time you rebuilt the desktop?"

"When was the last time you rebuilt the desktop?" Customer: "Did what?"

"Did what?" Tech Support: "How long have you owned this computer?"

"How long have you owned this computer?" Customer: "Four years."

A customer walked into the computer store I work in, wanting to return a computer.

Me: "Sure, is it defective?"

"Sure, is it defective?" Customer: "No, that's not the problem. When I took it home and turned it on, I realized it was only half programmed."

"No, that's not the problem. When I took it home and turned it on, I realized it was only half programmed." Me: [scratching head] "What do you mean by half programmed?"

[scratching head] "What do you mean by half programmed?" Customer: "Well, look at the computer on display." [points to the Windows 95 desktop] "Do you see how all the programs are on the left side of the computer?"

"Well, look at the computer on display." [points to the Windows 95 desktop] "Do you see how all the programs are on the left side of the computer?" Me: [biting tongue] "Well, you are right sir, I will take your computer back."

I decided the moron had to solve his life before he could buy a computer.

A guy at our company asked to have Lotus Notes installed on his Mac. He said he'd be away for a couple days, and I could install it then. When I went to do it, there wasn't enough disk space, but there was about 96 megs in the trash. Ah, I thought, he's forgotten to empty it.

When the user returned to work, he came straight to see me after switching on his machine.

Him: "Where're all my files?"

"Where're all my files?" Me: "What files?"

"What files?" Him: "The ones I was keeping in the trash."

Recently, I had a guy from the local tech school come in for an interview for my computer assistant job opening. I was taking him around the office, trying my best to explain to him what my job entails and what he'd be doing if he worked for me. One of the very first things I showed him was our NT server, which runs Wincenter Pro, a third-party enhanced version of Windows NT Server which allows us to have multiple people logged into the same NT box and to start up a remote NT session from an X-Windows desktop. He was pretty impressed by that, having been trained in a vanilla NT environment. The next thing I showed him was one of our old DG 300 UNIX workstations. He scoffed along with me when I explained that the workstation used an old 16mhz Motorola processor, so it was not exactly fast. The interview seemed to be going well up to this point, with the guy seeming to understand most of the stuff I was throwing out (even the stuff I wasn't too sure about myself) until I happened to mention that the DG workstation, along with all the other workstations and servers in our office (save the NT server, of course) ran DG/UX 5.4R3.10:

Me: "Yeah, and this thing runs DG/UX 5.4R3.10."

"Yeah, and this thing runs DG/UX 5.4R3.10." Him: "What's that?"

He stares blankly. My heart sinks.

Him: "So does that run as a thread under NT?"

"So does that run as a thread under NT?" Me: "No. It's an OS. It just runs by itself."

"No. It's an OS. It just runs by itself." Him: "Oh oh, so you start up NT, then--"

"Oh oh, so you start up NT, then--" Me: "No. UNIX. It's an operating system. It runs by itself, not under NT."

He stares blankly. So much for this prospective employee.

Two girls walked into the University's Linux cluster one time. They were obviously unfamiliar with computers and chatted with each other trying to figure everything out. I was doing my own work and had tuned out a lot of the conversation, but at one point one of them turned to me and asked how to get into Windows. "Type startx," I replied, for the Linux machines booted to a shell prompt, and you had to type "startx" to get into X-Windows. I never did find out if that worked for them or not, but they spent quite some time trying to correlate the instructions they had on paper (presumably given out in one of their classes) with what they were seeing on the screen. A full hour and a half passed, and finally one of them turned to me again and asked if this was the Microsoft Windows cluster. "No," I replied, "that's downstairs." It was hard to stifle the laughter until they were gone. An hour and a half before they realized they weren't even using the right operating system. Wow.

A lab technician (legendary, where I work) deleted a large and seemingly useless file named /vmunix from a Sun workstation. (This file is the UNIX operating system image.) The machine worked fine until I tried to reboot it.

In what seems more and more like another life, some 15 years ago, I was an assistant in a computer lab belonging to the computer science department of my university. The lab consisted of a bunch of 286 IBM PS/2s with only a 3.5" floppy drive -- they had to boot with an operating system disk and then put in the program disk, and so forth.

One day a student was having problems booting up the computer. I went to see what was happening, because she was becoming increasingly vocal about the quality of the hardware and the incompetence of the people (me) who were supposed to maintain it. I found that she was trying to boot off a floppy with no operating system. So I tried to tell her that she needed a DOS diskette to boot the computer.

Her: "Why?"

"Why?" Me: "Well, because without the operating system the computer just cannot work."

"Well, because without the operating system the computer just cannot work." Her: "But I don't need the operating system."

"But I don't need the operating system." Me: "I assure you, you do."

"I assure you, you do." Her: "No, you don't understand, I've already passed the operating systems exam. I'm preparing the coursework for simulation theory, so I don't need an operating system. I already passed. Really."

"No, you don't understand, I've already passed the operating systems exam. I'm preparing the coursework for simulation theory, so I don't need an operating system. I already passed. Really." Me: "I'm not talking about the exam. I am talking about the operating system for the computer."

"I'm not talking about the exam. I am talking about the operating system for the computer." Her: "Why on earth should I want to put an operating system on the computer when I have already passed the exam? I need to study simulation theory, not operating systems! The arrogance! Now you want to tell me what I should study? You don't think I passed the exam on my merits alone? Huh?"

She stormed out of the lab and filed a formal complaint with the department's secretary. The worst part was that I got reprimanded, because, apparently, the senior management didn't know any better than she did. Yes, she graduated a couple of years later.

A member of getacoder.com posted and asked for someone to write an operating system for him. It had to have all the features of Windows XP Professional. In return, he would be willing to pay $20 to $100.

The listing:

I need someone to program me a new OS (Operasting System) that looks different than Ms Windows XP etc. but has the same style. It does not need to run on a mac but all the other PCs. It's supposed to have a stylish look with clear edges etc. And ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A REDESIGNED WINDOWS as I'm going to sell that operating system later on. These are some important points :

It should have ALL THE FEATURES that Windows Xp Professional has. ALL the files that run on Windows XP ust also run on the BlueOrb OS. It must have a very user-friendly interface (like MS WINDOWS XP) When it gets Installed, the user needs to insert a serial number. It HAS to be HACKER SAFE! It must be quick and good looking.

Here's the listing on getacoder.com.