WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re actually responsible enough to handle it. “We’ve given this a lot of thought and decided that instead of mailing out checks, we will put this money into 330 million separate accounts that you’ll be able to access when you’re a little bit older and can show you’ve developed some real maturity,” Senate Finance Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) said as he sought to assure the nation that one day the U.S. populace would thank both houses of Congress for choosing to handle its historic $2 trillion relief plan in this way. “Now, don’t look so glum. We know you want to have it now, but it took us quite a bit of negotiating to get this money together, and we want to make sure you aren’t just going to run out and blow it all on a bunch of stuff you don’t need. So, keep your nose out of trouble, and one day this fund will be there waiting for you when you want it for something really important.” At press time, Grassley explained how multinational corporation Boeing could receive money from the federal government anytime it wanted because it had already won over lawmakers by generously spending so much money since its last bailout on donations to congressional campaigns.

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