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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump will travel to the site of the bloodiest battle in the Democrats’ Second Civil War tomorrow to deliver one of his most important speeches to date. Dubbed “The Gettyscheeseburger Address,” the White House says Trump’s speech will be like so many of his most memorable orations during his tenure in office.

“So it’ll be pretty much him rambling about himself, his accomplishments from the real to the imaginary to the literally impossible, and generally it’ll look and feel like someone attempting to suck themselves off for as long as he’s up on the dais,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters this morning. “The entire Trump administration feels this speech could be the one thing that unifies this horribly divided nation.”

As the name of the speech might suggest, Trump plans to draw inspiration from important historical addresses.

“He’s reviewed a lot of tapes, I can tell you that,” Huckabee said. “And in particular, he’s really honed in on German and Italian political speeches during the 1930’s. The president has found a couple of men he calls his ‘Spirit Dictators’ whom he constantly draws ideas from.”

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Many Americans are surprised when they learn that President Abraham Lincoln’s famous Civil War address was just 272 words long and that Lincoln likely spoke for less than five minutes. President Trump has already indicated that his Civil War time speech will be quite different than Lincoln’s.

“First of all, everything with me is longer, and I mean EH-VUH-REE-THING. So I don’t know how Honest Abe did it, but Almost Honest Don’s gonna take things to the bigliest level possible,” trump said. “You’ve seen my rally speeches. I’m clocking at least two hours on this bitch, count on it.”

The White House has invited several honored guests to attend the speech.

“Great American dignitaries and political figures like Sarah Palin, Sheriff David Clarke, Michele Bachmann, and the neo-Nazi guy in Illinois running for the GOP unopposed will be showing,” Huckabee said. “And also we’re super excited to have the mortal remains of Jefferson Davis, Stonewall Jackson, and the one and only Robert E. Lee in attendance!”

The White House released the text of the speech, and an excerpt is below.

Four times I scored with a Russian pee whore, and I got seven cases of VD. It was wayyyyyyy fuckin’ worth it though, fam. Way worth it. I think, when it’s all said and done, the great people of this great white nation of ours that are left, after the purge of course, will really feel the same way about me as I do about the seven Russian piss hookers and subsequent venereal disease I got. You’ll wish to hell it could’ve been done another way, but you be grateful for the memories and the scars. The herpes scars in my case, the emotional and cultural scars in yours.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.