SMITHFIELD, VA—Screaming and wailing through tears as mascara streamed down his cheeks, a makeup-smeared President Donald Trump begged a packed campaign rally Thursday to tell him he was beautiful. “America, as your leader, I need you to look me in the eye and let me know there’s no one in this country prettier than me—no one,” said the 45th president, who demanded the event’s approximately 10,000 attendees call him their “special, gorgeous baby” and later yelled, “I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you,” when the crowd started up a chant of “You are beautiful” that continued for several minutes. “You wouldn’t lie to me, right? I can tell when you’re lying, because you don’t even really mean what you’re chanting, you’re just telling me what I want to hear to make me stay. Well, you know what, Virginia? Fuck you. I’ll go find some supporters who will appreciate me for the perfect, special president that I really am.” At press time, Secret Service agents could be seen diving onto the stage after Trump threatened to kill himself if the crowd left and then took a bottle of bleach out from behind the podium to prove he was serious.

Advertisement