'Like Jessie J, my bisexuality is just a phase . A phase that has lasted over 30 years, and through 17 years of marriage. Oh please, someone help me!' Tania Browne tries to see the “science” behind her pathetic, craven indecision

Are you a cat person, or a dog person?

Do you like Blur or Oasis, The Saturdays or Little Mix?

Do you drink tea or coffee?

Make up your mind, you can't like both! And once you have chosen it's a decision for life. No changing your mind, now …

I'm assuming that you'd be quite taken aback if somebody gave you such a stark decision (well, apart from The Saturdays or Little Mix, which is a no-brainer). Aside from it being none of their business if you like tea but find coffee best in the morning, or if you have a couple of cats and three dogs, you wouldn't see why you're expected to choose. What's wrong with liking both? Why does it matter to anyone else? Just because it allows them to fit you into a box, man! Screw categories, screw the system!

But you'd be wrong. New studies have shown that making such choices gives people a sense of empowerment, a stronger sense of identity and that people around you in social situations will feel more comfortable with someone they can clearly categorise according to expectation. This follows on from fMRI studies, which have already shown that decision-making areas of the brain are impaired in a sample who claim to like both Game of Thrones and True Detective. It is thought that the research could be extrapolated to people who show no preference for any particular contestant in Dancing on Ice.

This will be good news for all right-minded fans of Jessie J, who recently announced that she no longer considers herself a bisexual and wants to find a nice man to marry and settle down with. Well thank goodness for that, it was just a phase and she's normal really! She's not going to turn out to be another Tom Daley, born into this world merely to confuse all right-minded journalists … oh. Wait. After all, if you like men and women where will it end? Pets? Actors in DFS sofa commercials? An attraction to wellington boots?

The confirmation that you are in a long-term relationship (or wish to be) with a partner of the same or opposite sex, naturally, means that you have picked a side. Well done! You finally picked your team! And if, in a few years, you find your long-term bonding is less long term than you thought? Tough. No going back, no wobbling. Your path is set from now on. Even if it's not with the person you thought it might be, it must be the same biological sex as them. To do otherwise would be ungrateful and impolite, and demonstrate your lack of decisiveness and Moral Fibre, whatever that is.

It has been scientifically proven, again and again, that bisexuals are indecisive flibbertigibbets who want to have their cake and eat it, and are so swamped with people they are attracted to (which is, let's face it, everyone) that they are in a constant state of exhaustion from wild, abandoned sex with multiple partners. Studies have found that productivity in bisexuals is lessened by their inability to make decisions, and that the working hours lost due to last night's wild orgy in Clapham are comparable to time lost through hangovers and alcohol abuse in more normal types.

In short, bisexuals are a menace to society, and the sooner we get them to choose, the better. Except for the bisexual women with false nails in the porn industry who are, naturally, a boon.

Many young people go through a phase of being unsure which sex they prefer, or even experiment with members of the same sex's happy bits. This is perfectly alright, they can do what they like at university, but if they haven't shown a clear preference for male or female by the time they're 22, a new study shows, this can permanently damage the decision-making centres in the brain and further help may be needed.

Parents also live in fear, at this delicate stage, that if their darling has a boyfriend or girlfriend then they will "stay like that if the wind changes" and they'll end up desperately stuck in the wrong sexuality for life. But this, while important, is a separate issue.

If you are concerned that you, or someone close to you, may be a bisexual there are steps you can take to alleviate the symptoms.

Try to push them to make up their minds. Ask them if they want to have children one day, or if they fancy a night out at that new leather club in Vauxhall. Once they choose, try to gently keep them on track with reminders when any behaviour shows deviation from their path.

Sometimes, bisexuals will attempt to marry either members of the opposite or same sex. There are two schools of thought on this: a) Those who express gratitude that the bisexual had finally made a decision and can be cured, and b) those who show concern that it will all end in tears, as the bisexual is genetically programmed to be unfaithful with a member of the opposite sex to their partner, and will run away, cackling evilly, from their suburban home at midnight like it was all a big joke. If someone close to you claims to be a bisexual and tells you they're going out with someone new, ask them if it's a same sex partner or an opposite sex one. Then you can either express approval (if it's the same sex as their previous partner) or roll your eyes in exasperation (if they're still being a jelly) accordingly. These cues are vital to guide your bisexual into decision making. Gossip about bisexuals you know at every opportunity. Make them feel shame for their lack of decision-making skills and refusal to be categorised easily. Indicate that you would approve of them more if they showed a clear preference. Lower your voice when they walk into a crowded room and ask them what they got up to at the weekend with a broad wink. If they say they went to the garden centre and bought a new dishwasher in Curry's, sound mildly surprised that actually, they are just like you.

It's just that little decision switch in their brain that isn't quite right. And hopefully, one day there'll be surgery for that. In the meantime, treating bisexuals with suspicion and confusion will have to do.

Tania wants to make it clear that she fully supports both Jessie J and Tom Daley in their recent announcements and knows sexuality is a bloody complex thing. Her issue is not with them, but the way the media chooses to portray such statements. @cherrymakes