Dennis Miller – The Next RNC Chairman

His run-on sentences filled with obscure references to 15th Century philosophers and washed up B-movie actors have been replaced with ultra-conservative attacks at everything that he once represented. Dennis Miller’s stream of consciousness banter has become polluted with right-wing viewpoints that muddy the political waters.

The Dennis Miller of old delivered jokes with the candor of a teenage 7/11 clerk selling you condoms on a Saturday night. He took shots at people like Lee Harvey Oswald at a boardwalk shooting gallery trying to win a teddy bear for his blushing communist bride. Everyone was a target: Republicans and Democrats, Jews and Christians, Gays and Straights. There were no grey areas – it was either Black or White.

Now, he has chosen sides – the Dark Side. Miller aligns himself with political-ignoramuses such as Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity like he’s the weak, nerdy kid picking schoolmates to be on his kickball team in elementary school phys ed. In 1988, he was knocking Arnold Schwarzenegger for his broken-English, sub-par acting and George Bush Sr. was the punchline for most of his Saturday Night Live Weekend Update humor. Now, he considers them both political heroes. Miller has said that 9/11 changed him; borrowing that vague excuse for aggression from a press release printed on “From the Desk of Dick Cheney” letterhead.

Miller’s CNBC show was as meaningful and long-lasting as the marriage of Ava Gardner and Mickey Rooney. The show lasted a little over a year and flopped because people tuning in expected him to chide Bush Jr. like he did to Bush Sr. Instead, viewers heard Joe McCarthy-laden innuendoes in between his psycho-babble supporting Bush’s trademark “resolve”. Miller is now a FOX NEWS regular who interjects sly neo-con one-liners to lighten the mood and make Sean Hannity seem like the sweet boy next door; a good-hearted guy who’s just so concerned with America’s safety and values that sometimes Sean’s vigor is misunderstood – the James Dean of cable news if you will.

FOX keeps booking Miller because Ted Nugent is out hunting caribou and, despite their theatrics, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter don’t count as comedic celebrities. At one time, Sara Palin was FOX’s go to for cheeky rhetoric, but she compulsively and repeatedly shoots herself in the foot then inserts the bloody appendage into her mouth. The only reason Dennis appears on FOX’s the Red Eye and The Five programs is so that his presence signifies to viewers that this show is supposed to be funny – otherwise it’s no different from any other show on that network.

Conservatives do not have a flair for comedy and that was painfully apparent when they had Stephen Colbert speak at the 2006 Correspondents Dinner – they were so out of touch with American pop-culture that they were not hip to Colbert’s alter ego persona. The only people laughing were the couple of Democrats who got an invitation out of obligation and “liberal” Hollywood celebrities invited to bring glamour to an otherwise boring event. Everyone else gasped…they must’ve had a moment of clarity.

Besides Miller, it’s difficult to name a popular conservative who tries to be funny on purpose, usually it’s their gaffes that make us laugh because it’s so ludicrous that people actually have such out-dated beliefs. It’s very painful to watch a Republican politico try to joke because they are totally oblivious of their own disconnect from the average American. They are about as funny as a king joking with starving peasants about the lack of truffles and as awkward an old lady doing a sexy strip tease. Their lack of self-awareness is stunning to say the least.

I miss the old Dennis Miller. His razor-sharp anecdotes have now become dull Republican propaganda. He has become so disillusioned by his own erratic ostrich-like response to 9/11 that he even scolds Pollyanna for wanting to cut and run. At this point, Miller’s views leave him with few options for a gig: The No Spin Zone, NRA conventions, and the opening act at Bohemian Grove. His blind allegiance to the GOP and deliberate reluctance to poke fun at their own misgivings makes him a perfect candidate for the next Republican National Committee president.