It was just getting light out Monday morning when I started driving home from work. It was overcast and gray and wet and my mind was mostly on getting some sleep. But as I drove I also began thinking about how bored I was. I really have been bored.On the spur of the moment I decided to go have some fun. No idea what, but it's been way too long since I've had any. I had all day. I got on the Eisenhower and started heading west. Traffic was already slow and I wondered if I'd made a mistake but soon I was on I88, which was clear. Randomly I exited at Rt59 by Aurora, kept driving, and started looking around for something interesting. All of a sudden I was at Fox Valley Mall. I hadn't been there in many years. There's a road that rings the parking lots outside the mall. I drove slowly along the road, circling the mall a couple times, hoping something would catch my eye and wondering what kind of fun I can make for myself outside a mall that isn't open yet.There's a greek restaurant on the west side of the mall. It has it's own building and it's own parking lot. The lot was empty. I drove around the back of the restaurant and saw a wooden enclosure where they keep their dumpster. But it was a pretty big enclosure for just a dumpster. I stopped and got out of the car to take a look. Could be interesting.There were four dumpsters in the enclosure. Two for oil and grease, one for garbage, and one for recyclables (they're labeled). I like dumpsters. This whole enclosure is filthy. Little bits of garbage are all over the asphalt pavement and on the wooden walls. There's a shovel, a gray plastic garbage can, a stack of bricks, some firewood in a shed on one side. I guessed that everything customers wouldn't want to see is kept in there.I wanted to play in the garbage. I've known for a long time that I can't keep pretending that I've changed and I don't need to do horrible things to myself anymore. I had to do something to make myself feel real again, and this was the time.So I turned off the car and pulled the big wooden doors shut so I was fully shielded from view. I was taking a risk not knowing how soon the restaurant's kitchen staff would arrive, but I figured I had at least an hour. I took a deep breath and pressed on my crotch through my jeans. I was getting wet just from the anticipation of whatever might happen.I got undressed, dropping my clothes on top of the stack of bricks, which seemed like the one relatively clean spot inside the enclosure. I probably didn't need to be totally naked but I did it anyway. It was still chilly out and the wet asphalt felt cold under my bare feet.The biggest dumpster, a blue one with two black plastic lids, caught my attention first. This was the one for regular garbage. I lifted one of the lids and looked inside and saw only black for a moment until my eyes adjusted. It was empty. The garbage men must have come during the night. Disappointed, I quietly closed the lid. There was a little black dirt on my hand. I smeared it across my breast just to feel dirty. Another, smaller, dumpster was for grease and had just one lid. There was whitish gray and light brown grease congealed all around the edge of the lid with little bits of probably old food caked in it. It looked so awful I leaned forward smear my boobs into the grease. It felt rough and uncomfortable at first against my sensitive nipples, but it was also slippery and smelled bad. I liked it having it on my boobs. I wondered what was inside the dumpster. Lifting the lid I found a plastic grid across the opening, I guess to keep large things from falling inside, and below that was dark. I couldn't tell how much grease was inside, but the grid itself was caked in the same brown and gray crust of congealed grease. But there was much more of it. It formed little grease icicles everywhere. It looked truly gross. I ran my fingers along part of the grid. Gobs of the grease came off in my hand. I squeezed, feeling it ooze between my fingers. It had a sharp, sour smell to it. So disgusting. I brought my hand down between my legs and pressed the grease against my vaginal lips. It felt so nasty but so good at the same time. Smearing the grease between the lips with my middle finger, I thought yeah, my poor pussy's waited so long to get what it deserves. Finally...finally, some abuse.The front of the grease dumpster was too close to the wall for me to stand directly in front of it, or I'd have gotten more of myself onto the grid. Instead I managed to cover most of the front of my body with grease and ended up leaning against the grease dumpster playing with my clit. I was incredibly horny for the first time in a long time. I wished that the garbage dumpster hadn't been empty. That's when I noticed that gray plastic garbage can again. It was worth a look.It turned out to be the jackpot. The can was about half full of discarded food. I could see pieces of vegetables, meat, noodles, rice, peels, mussel shells, all sorts of stuff mixed together with wet used napkins and used straws. I could tell immediately that they scrape off people's plates into this can coming back to the kitchen. I was surprised at how much of it there was. And it smelled really bad. I wanted it.I pushed the garbage can over, got on my hands and knees, and started pulling the mess of discarded food out onto the filthy pavement in front of the dumpsters. I think I'm right that this was scraped off people's plates, but there also seemed to be scraps from the kitchen too. The garbage a little deeper down is darker and more brown. I decided it must be older than what's on top, so that's what I want. I practically had my head in the can as I scooped out garbage from deep inside.I noticed myself breathing hard. I hadn't been this excited in a long time. I sat down right in middle of the mess, scooped up a handful of it and pressed it against my vagina. It felt cold and gross but I didn't care. At least some of it went inside me. I was really wet already but the grease helped it go in.This is what I wanted, I thought to myself. Naked, sitting in a pile of garbage and masturbating with it. My heart is pounding and I feel alive. I can get so sick from this but that just makes me more excited. There's a beer bottle in the pile. I pulled it out and set it aside. Some grayish lumps of something. I think it's fat and I push it into my vagina along with wilted, mushy greens and some rice. They must serve a lot of rice because it's everywhere. A long black and silver strip of skin from a fish. It really smelled putrid. I pushed it inside me too. This is what my body is for, I think. This is what my vagina is for, making me feel like this. Why did I try to avoid it for so long?My vagina felt full but I wanted to keep going. I thought of pushing it all out and starting over but I noticed the beer bottle again. I picked up the bottle and rolled myself over onto my side. Holding the bottle by the neck with both hands I pushed the large end of it into me. I closed my legs and pushed hard on the bottle. It made me cum right right then, really hard, with the bottle working like a plunger pushing the garbage deeper inside me and spreading it around to make room for more. It felt so good.I wasn't even done cumming when I sat back up and pulled the beer bottle out of me and went right back to stuffing my vagina. I noticed a brownish-gray wad of gristle someone had chewed and spit out onto their plate. Lucky for me, I thought. I shoved it inside me. I found an octopus tentacle, eggplant peels, olive pits, a chicken bone, a kleenex, shrimp tails. I pushed it all inside me until nothing else would go in. I used the beer bottle as a plunger again, and just like before I suddenly began to orgasm. This time I was cumming because I was so full it hurt. It hurt more when I pushed on the bottle. I needed to take as much garbage as I could inside my vagina so I kept pushing on it anyway. I caught myself growling through my teeth from the effort of pushing so hard.I slowly pulled the bottle out when I'd finished cumming again, hoping the garbage wouldn't gush right back out. It didn't, so I tried pushing a few more bits inside me. I didn't even know what they were. But now I'd stuffed myself with as much stinking, disgusting garbage as would fit, and my vagina was stretched as far as it could go. I was wet and filthy all over and shivering from the cold. I stood up as carefully as I could so none of my garbage would come out of me, but there was no way I could put my clothes back on this way. I peeked out between the wooden doors to the enclosure. Seeing nobody, I grabbed my clothes and shuffled, bent over, back to my car as quickly as I could. My vagina ached so much I couldn't stand up straight. It felt like I had a huge heavy ball inside me. Inside the car I balled up my jeans and put them under my crotch so nothing could come out while I sat. Throwing on my hooded sweatshirt, I started the car and got away with the heater at full blast.Getting from the car into my apartment was a struggle, but fortunately there wasn't much chance I'd be seen unless one of my neighbors stayed home from work or something. I went straight to my bedroom and pulled on three pairs of really tight panties. Nothing comes out of me when I wear them like that. So I sat down on my bed and felt the lump inside me. I loved how it felt. It's garbage and I deserve to have it in me. It's disgusting and perverse but at least I don't feel dead like I usually do, trying to stay normal.I wondered if I should keep it inside me, carrying the garbage around inside my vagina for a while. Maybe even for a couple days, even if it makes me sick. But no. Bad idea. Instead I took out one of my vibrators and played it against my clit while I pushed the whole mess out of me onto some paper towels. I got to cum again.The garbage is now in a sealed plastic container under the sink. I think I'm going to let it rot for a while and then see what I want to do with it. I also need to have my car's interior cleaned.I wasted a lot of time denying myself. It's been way more than a year since I did anything like this. I kept thinking that it was my depression that made me want to do things to myself, and that if I succumbed to the desire I'd end up backsliding again, losing my job and everything I've worked so hard for. I was, and I am really scared of that ever happening. But maybe I don't have to be dead inside all the time. I went to work last night, and everything is fine. Maybe I'm a depraved, filthy pig who can also hold a job.