“Don’t look at me!”: Trash TV we’re secretly in love with

There are a million good shows on TV right now – that’s just scientific fact. But there are also probably 10 million sketchy shows we really shouldn’t watch – but hey, if you’ve already seen every episode of House of Cards is it so bad to start watching, or even rewatching, The Bachelorette? (It is. But is it if you don’t tell anyone? No! It’s perfectly fine.)

We’re not proud of ourselves. Here are eight trashy TV shows we’re currently living for – and feeling kinda full of shame about.

Of course it’s awful! It wouldn’t work if it was good TV and it was filled with great actors giving career defining performances – it just wouldn’t.

So, yes, it’s fine to watch Dynasty. Just don’t expect to look cool in the office tomorrow if you say, “Has anyone been binge watching the new Dynasty on Netflix?” because they’re all going to pretend like they didn’t watch it and you’ll just end up having to start a private WhatsApp group with Sandra from accounting so you can discuss your secret shame in gloriously juicy detail.

The Bachelorette

On the one hand you’d think you’d need to have had your brain replaced with a bowl of cold soup to enjoy The Bachelorette. But you know what, gazpacho soup is meant to be served cold!

The Bachelorette is the gazpacho soup of reality television – people either love it, hate it, or want to see it set on fire and never brought to the table again. But again, as long as you don’t think you’re going to look cool bringing it up at the bar after work tomorrow night, just continue to enjoy it in your own cold soup silence.

Listen, you work hard, your mom is wondering when you’re going to get married and the cat’s been sick on the carpet again and he still hasn’t touched that expensive food you bought the ungrateful little swine.

So, if you want to turn your mind off for half an hour every week and watch fame hungry cardboard cutouts of human beings pretend to be annoyed/in love with each other, go right ahead. We won’t judge you! MTV’s U.S. version of the hideous British reality hit is exactly what’s wrong with society and we can’t get enough of it.

Ballers

The only real problem with this HBO show starring Dwayne Johnson (Rampage) is that it’s very gaudy and a bit brash and everyone worships money in it. Feel free to cleanse yourself of this trash afterwards by watching a Communist-era Russian film about peasants needing bread who slaughter a rich guy and move into his mansion. Which – you never know – could happen in the next season of Ballers.

In the pre-internet days when a show “had no script” it was a sign of impending disaster, as it surely meant the series getting pulled and everyone’s career being forever tainted. Nowadays “having no script” is seen as some kind of badge of honour, so if you’re happy to go along and believe that none of this is in anyway structured by the shows producers etc. then why not! Trash is trash, after all.

We can believe this Japanese reality show is of a higher class than any other all we want but deep down it’s still all about dating, dumping, and smooching people.

Who doesn’t like baking? Nazis, that’s who. So why not indulge in Nailed It!, where they bake cakes and the presenter continually shouts loudly and everyone’s a fuckup and it’s glorious? Trash in the kitchen goes under the sink normally, but here it’s on display for all to see.

This trash is coming back for a 9th straight year – which means the moms from the original Teen Mom are now just you know – moms. Expect more threats of physical violence towards disobedient teenagers and more boyfriends who don’t have the mental, emotional or financial structure around them to properly raise a child but hot damn they’re gonna try!

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

It’s not back yet but like water shortages and forest fires, it will be. And a bit like water shortages and forest fires, there won’t be anything you can particularly do about it, so you’ll just stand back from a safe distance and watch as the trash unfolds, wondering why such terrible things – the show – happen to such good people – everyone who watches it who knows they shouldn’t but can’t stop themselves.