March 4th, 2010 by Jeff Simmermon

My friend’s cousin …

Wait a second. You know this is going to be good, when it starts with “My friend’s cousin.”

My friend’s cousin is a teacher at a charter school in Washington, D.C. She found this on the floor of a 3rd grade classroom and recognized it for the gold mine that it is — scanned it into a fax-to-PDF scanner immediately.

See most of the whole, exhaustive list after the jump.



You’ll notice that according to this taxonomy, there are 90 types of bitches. However, there’s a page missing, so we are left to guess what bitch types 44-58 are. If you have any ideas, please do leave them in the comments.

I think it’s possible to be multiple types of bitch at once. I’ve met a number of people who are a combination of 5, 12, and 85-90. One could also evolve into and out of various categories as well. As one friend of mine said “I used to be #33, but now that I’ve grown up a little and my priorities have changed, I am solidly #37.”

Feel free to let me know which type you are in the comments as well — or even chart your trajectory through the list.

This list is fairly neatly written. Spelling and troubled penmanship aside, there are no cross-outs, crumples, stains, etc. This looks like something that was written, maybe as a part of a group, and then placed onto the official record that we see here. I like thinking about an excited group of kids sitting around and charting out all the different types of bitches they can think of and then carefully writing them down onto a master list.

And it was found in a 3rd grade classroom! Either the child who left this behind borrowed this from a much more sophisticated older sibling/cousin, or kids in inner-city D.C. grow up even faster than I thought.

Or both. Anyway, here’s the list.

You can see the whole set on Flickr here.

**And now that this thing has officially gotten out of control, there’s a followup: Bitches Lost their Minds**

I’ve transcribed the list below for Google and folks who are visually impaired but nevertheless want to know about all the types of bitches.

Types of Bitches

1) Dirty dumb ass bitches

2) Aint got no ass bitches

3) Dusty trick bitches

4) Fishy bitches

5) Don’t know how to fight bitches

6) Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches

7) Ugly looking bitch that think they all that

Can’t keep a man bitch

9) Track wearing bitches

10) Bitches that be trying to steal your man

11) Hoochie looking bitches

12) Ain’t got no damn sense bitches

13) Stupid bitches that act dumb

14) Bitches who can only get a dirty boy

15) Want to be jocking bitches

16) Bitches who think their man love them but get pregnant and be left alone

17) Bitches who think they better than me

18) Instigating bitches

19) Talking behind your back bitches

20) Loud mouth bitches

21) Pissy bitches

22) Stingy bitches

23) Funky looking bitches

24) Short hair bitches

25) Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair

26) Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you

27) Staring in your face bitches

28) Big eyed looking bitches

29) Crazy bitches

30) Nappy tender headed bitches

31) Booty shorts wearing bitches

32) Coast-signing bitches

33) Dick riding bitches

34) Whipped bitches

35) Buck tooth bitches

36) Cheesy teeth bitches

37) Same wearing clothes each day bitches

38) Ghetto bitches

39) Hair dyeing bitches

40) Wearing shoes that be talking bitches

41) Bitches who think they hard

42) Bitches that think they get money

43) Bitches that go to a dirty school

44) (page missing)

45) (page missing)

46) (page missing)

47) (page missing)

48) (page missing)

49) (page missing)

50) (page missing)

51) (page missing)

52) (page missing)

53) (page missing)

54) (page missing)

55) (page missing)

56) (page missing)

57) (page missing)

58) (page missing)

59) Gay bitches

60) Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches

61) Tomboy bitches

62) Stain on your pants bitches

63) Dry scalp dandruff bitches

64) Dirty hair bitches

65) Stealing bitches

66) Stinky feet bitches

67) Big gap bitches

68) Protecting their store bitches

69) Pajamas outside bitches

70) Ragly braid bitches

71) Stanky butt bitches

72) Greedy bitches

73) Slimy grimy bitches

74) Psycho bitches

75) Drug dealing bitches

76) Geekin’ bitches

77) Suntanning bitches

78) Goofy looking bitches

79) Triflin’ bitches

80) Skanky bitches

81) Mugging bitches

82) Sloppy bitches

83) Dirty fingernails bitches

84) Dirty sock wearing bitches

85) Uncreative bitches

86) White bitches that think black people poor

87) Conceited bitches

88) Tall bitches

89) Short bitches

90) Jealous bitches