Welcome back to the Fan Misery Index, where we marvel that not too long ago there were actual good times in Fayetteville.

If you are unfamiliar with the rules of the FMI, you can find them here and here.

Wait Please Stop

Why Play Secondary

What’s Petrino’s Salary

We’re Pretty Shitty

We Practice Sadism

Woof, Pigs Suck

If the Arkansas Razorbacks can take anything away from this season, it’s that we all thought they’d arrive at the Ninth Circle WAY sooner than this. It’s hard to imagine now, but less than 7 years ago Arkansas won the 2012 Cotton Bowl to notch their 11th win of the season for only the third time in school history. The pigs had also won all three of the renewed/forced rivalry game against the Aggies being played in Jerryworld. Then Bobby Petrino flipped his hog and resigned in disgrace and the Razorbacks hired their Fran: the can’t miss coaching phenom who would eventually set their program back a decade.

Welcome to the Ninth Circle, Hawgs. Did you just arrive, or have you always been here?

Let’s take a look at the big board.

MISERY OF NOTE

If there is an opposite to the EA Sports NCAA Football cover curse, it’s the “featured on the FMI so let’s get our shit together and dig our way out immediately” power up. Take Florida State, who responded to being the featured player of the FMI last week by suckerpunching #20 Boston College and saving just the barest amount of face. The FMI is bulletin board material in the same sense that Craigslist is a job search site.

Stand in naked jealousy of the Syracuse Orange, a modern college football also-ran who dropped in the FMI this week after a magical 9 straight weeks in the First Circle. Syracuse you were different from most of our hopes and dreams in that you actually succeeded for a while.

in the First Circle. Syracuse you were different from most of our hopes and dreams in that you actually succeeded for a while. Illinois lost to Iowa 63-0, which presents a strong case for introducing an FMI Run Rule.

The FMI does not measure how good a team is - Exhibit A: the Florida Gators. The Gators are #13 in the nation, which should be good enough to elicit some sort of happiness. But the reality is that they are 8-3 with a loss to rival Georgia and they are third in their division behind a basketball school. You may be top 15 to the rest of the country, but the FMI knows the truth in your cold, dead heart.

Happy Thanksgiving folks, and Merry Rivalry Week to those of you who still observe.