LAST weekend, while driving through the Cotswolds, I found myself stuck behind two cyclists who were riding alongside one another.

Of course they were.

9 Jeremy Vine... victim or simply a 'self-righteous' roadhog Credit: Rex Features

Elevated these days to godlike status by modern environmental thinking, cyclists are propelled from place to place on a wave of self-righteousness and a pious belief that they’re the new knights of the road.

Five days later, near the South Coast, the same thing happened again, only this time it was a lone cyclist, his gnarled and nut-brown thighs beating out a Victorian rhythm as he crawled slowly up the hill, proud that behind his wizened, Lycra- clad buttocks there was a queue of cars stretching half way to Dover.

Then in London, we have hundreds of them, ignoring the new multi-million pound cycle lane on the Embankment so they can make a nuisance of themselves on the main carriageway.

9 London... many cyclists ignore the new multi-million pound cycle lane on the Embankment so they can make a nuisance of themselves on the main carriageway Credit: Getty Images

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There was a time when you could take these morons to task. You could shake your fist and shout and point out that it’s absurd for a fully grown adult to be playing in public on what is a kids’ toy.

But not any more…

Today they all wear helmet cameras to record your rage.

Then, when they get home, they upload it to YouTube and you’re made to look like a short-tempered fool.

There was a time when you could take these morons to task. You could shake your fist and shout and point out that it’s absurd for a fully grown adult to be playing in public on what is a kids’ toy. Jeremy Clarkson on 'cyclists'

Which brings me to the BBC radio ­presenter, and keen cyclist, Jeremy Vine, who this week uploaded some footage of a woman who’d become frustrated with his slow progress through Kensington, West London.

In it, he can be seen cycling down the middle of the road, deliberately blocking the cars in his wake, and when one gets too close he stops — still in the middle of the road — so he can record the woman driver’s foul-mouthed tirade.

The message is clear.

He’s been verbally assaulted while on a noble quest to save the polar bear.

9 Frustrated... Vine uploaded footage of a woman who’d become frustrated with his slow progress through Kensington, West London

But hang on a minute, Vine. How did you know that the woman in the car behind wasn’t rushing to see her injured child in hospital? How did you know there wasn’t a pregnant girl on the back seat who was about to give birth?

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be stuck behind a sanctimonious cyclist when you really are in a genuine, tearing hurry? Vine says he was cycling in the middle of the road because that way he’s unlikely to be hit by people opening their car doors without looking.

Really? Because if safety is your number one priority, why are you wearing a helmet festooned with GoPros?

Are you not aware that it was, in all probability, a camera attached to Michael Schumacher’s helmet that caused his terrible head injuries?

In fact, if safety is your number one priority, why are you on a bicycle in the first place?

Of course, it is not illegal to cycle slowly down the middle of a narrow street. But it is selfish and annoying for everyone else.

How would he like it, I wonder, if I followed him around for a month, blowing gently on the back of his ears?

That’s not illegal either, but after a few days I’m sure he’d turn round and have a strong word.

I may try it.

CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU I WAS filming this week at Beachy Head in East Sussex – one of the most popular suicide spots in the world. So many people take their final step off the cliffs that a chaplain is on constant patrol in a 4x4. I spoke to one taxi driver who said he took a jumper out there recently. “He gave me a tenner for a ride that cost seven quid,” he said. “And then he wanted his change.” Do you need help? Contact The Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org

Jog on health freaks

9 Jog on... to an extended future of incontinence and broken hips, according to Jezza Credit: Getty Images

IT’S been a busy week for health experts and as a result we’ve been told every day that if we wear pyjamas, or fall asleep in front of the TV, or eat tomatoes or drink beer, we will die of heart disease or cancer or some kind of hideous brain disorder.

But let’s say that we do give up salt and tobacco and alcohol.

And let’s say we eat beans and nut cutlets.

And let’s say we do jog around the block every morning.

Yes, this will buy us more time. But how will we spend it?

Playing ball games in the park? Building rope bridges? Skiing?

No. Because we will be in an old people’s home, wetting ourselves and breaking our hips every time we brush past a bit of furniture.

Bear that in mind when someone offers you a choice of full English or a small plate full of weeds, followed by some light jogging.

I once met a man who had never forgiven his parents – Mr and Mrs Hunt – for christening him Michael.

9 Parents... learn from the humiliation Mr & Mrs Hunt inflicted on their son Mike Credit: Getty Images

A SURVEY has revealed that almost one in five parents would change the names of their children if they had the chance.

The Mumsnet poll said that one women named her child after the Egyptian goddess of health. Which means the poor kid now has to go through life being called Isis.

Another, for reasons that aren’t clear, christened their child “Colon”.

I once met a man who had never forgiven his parents – Mr and Mrs Hunt – for christening him Michael.

And then shortening it to Mike.

When he had a child, he called it Justin. But then he made an even worse mistake than his parents by using Mike as a middle name.

ET's not calling us

9 ET calling from outer space... or was the two-second transmission a fat bloke burping in the next door room? Credit: Kobal Collection

SCIENTISTS in Russia say they have received a two-second microwave transmission from a distant planet, which orbits a sun romantically known as HD164595.

And now, alien enthusiasts are all running around saying this is definite proof we are not alone.

A couple of points.

Number one. The signal was transmitted in 1922 – it’s taken that long to get here – and back then, Earth was cosmically silent.

We had no TV and no satellites, so they couldn’t possibly have known we are here.

This means the signal must have been broadcast to the whole of space.

And to do that, ET would need a radio that’s 100,000 times more powerful than all the energy used by Earth’s entire population.

Nevertheless, scientists all over the world are investigating the transmission – and I bet that in a couple of years they’ll work out that it came from a fat man burping in the room next door.

THE nation’s weird beards are at a loss to understand why more people aren’t buying electric cars

9 Why are Brits not buying electric cars... is it because they're 'rubbish' ponders Jezza Credit: Microlino (Supplied by Wenn)

THE nation’s weird beards are at a loss to understand why more people aren’t buying electric cars.

They say that Government grants make them easy to buy and that convenient, fast-charging points make them easy to run. Hmmm. I wonder if the reason why 97 per cent of people still buy cars with petrol engines is: Electric cars are rubbish?

EXPERTS' TALL STORY AMERICAN experts reckon that taller people have better spatial awareness than, say, Richard Hammond. I think they’d change their mind if they saw me on a football pitch. I once took a penalty and the nearest the ball got to the goalmouth was when it was on the spot.



9 Sorry... former Army chief Lord Dannatt Credit: News Group Newspapers Ltd

FORMER Army chief Lord Dannatt has apologised to troops who were given the anti-malarial drug Lariam.

I’m not surprised because, ooh, it messes with your head.

I once took a course of the stuff when I was filming for Top Gear in Africa . . . and after three days I started to like James May.

9 Ruined... here come the dollars Credit: Getty Images

FOR the first time in 55 years, it is now possible to fly on a commercial airliner from America to Cuba.

This means that the tiny Caribbean island will now be flush with US tourist dollars.

Oh, and ruined.