Preface:

So as an experienced chopsticks user for more than 18 years, let me just educate you all on this god-given single pronged double sticks stabber of the heavens tool that have blessed the culinary utensil world for years. From wood to metal, from large to small, this average kitchen utensil has showcased its abilities far more than once to become the alpha tool that dominates weak-ass instruments like the fork or spoon. But I digress, let’s put this through a few tests to evaluate how the chopsticks deserve the golden medal for most kick-ass invention.

The Design Test:

So simple, so sleek, so new. Now introducing, the Chopsticks s10 C mini iPad 4.6 DX now with a quad-core processor and nVidia Graphics. Look, it’s just so simple, it’s literally two wooden sticks together that fit into your hand. Some dude in China probably caught a fish thousands of years ago and was like, “Shit, how do I eat this? Why don’t I just take two carved tree branches and make do?”

And it worked.

There’s no one-stick three-pronged bullshit happening, nothing too complex, just something used to be able to grab actually anything in the entire food world with enough willpower and finger strength. Meanwhile over at Easy Street, we got people inventing things to streamline picking up food with ease.

Rate: 8/10.

The Utility Test:

So what can the chopstick do you may ask? Literally anything that isn’t soup. Want to pick up that piece of meat? Chopsticks. Want to eat rice? Chopsticks. Murder? Chopsticks. Leave a crime scene with no evidence of the murder weapon? Chopsticks. Eat sushi? Chopsticks. Usage of chopsticks, depending on how terrible your abilities are for picking things up, can boil down to, “Can I stab it?” If yes, you can stab it and enjoy the food. If no, you can pick it up using chopsticks. If you can pick it up whether you can stab it or not, more power to you.

“BUT WUT ABERT SOOP?”

TIP THE BOWL INTO YOUR MOUTH TO DRINK IT UGH.*

*I’m not angry just passionate, this review was meant for casual use.

Here’s the thing, chopsticks are so universally heralded as the every-tool, but the skill-curve for using them is so steep. We mitigated this problem by literally inventing the scoopy spoony and the stabby forky. You like graphs? Here’s a graph for Happiness Over Time.

Notice how as the skill curve goes up, so does happiness. Surely you can’t doubt numbers and scientists, right? Did you know that 120% of all people use 25.4% of chopsticks in 70% of the world? Scientists HATE this new tool! I sound incredibly smart, right? Well that’s because I’m right.

Rate: 9/10.

Ease of Usage Test:

Forks: “Mmmm, stabbing food and putting it into my mouth has never been easier!”

Spoons: “Scooping soups has never been easier!”

Chopsticks: “Goddammit fuck shit I almost go– DAMMIT ok let’s try again why don’t I just do this, ok, it goes on the finger here, and then FUCK IT SLIPPED. Okay we’ll try this again, you already look like a fool but you can’t look any worse, righ– SHIT I MESSED UP AGAIN. Deep breaths deep breaths just relax and apply a little pressure an– OH COOL IT SPUN. WAIT. ALL THE FOOD’S ON MY CLOTHES NOW. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGG–”

Rate: 1/10.

Conclusion:

Chopsticks are an ancient tool, developed along side prototypes of the spoon and fork, naturally, meant to facilitate eating things. Of course, there are easier options such as the spoon and fork which are excellent tools for getting whatever job done, especially soup, where the chopsticks’ brilliance begins to falter. Nonetheless, the reason why I find chopsticks to be so great is because it is incredibly versatile. With the fork and spoon you get to do their respective jobs excellently, while the chopstick provides its role as the jack-of-all-trades, being able to do several jobs in a mediocre fashion.

Rate: 8/10.

Annoyance Test:

“O…o…ok let’s try this aga–AHHHH” *Cries* “IT CAN’T BE THAT HARD, EVERYONE CAN USE IT, ALL I HAVE TO DO I–” *twang!* “GOOD GOD NO, IT’S ALL OVER MY SHIRT. EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME.”

*Sobs harder*

Rate: 10/10.

Additional Notes:

Knife does beat chopsticks in close combat however.

Close Quarter Combat rate: 1/10 for chopsticks.