- You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound. - You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner. - You'd rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce. - You've attended a children's party that had rice-paper rolls, cous cous salad, croquembouche and a pinata. - You or someone you know has received a grant.

- It's not Noosa, it's Noysa. It's not snow it's the snoy. And it's Malvern now, not Chadstone, thanks to rezoning. - You refer to rococo furniture as "very Franco Cozzo". - You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world with trams. - You think the slogan on our licence plates should be "Melbourne. The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else", "Melbourne. Go To Sydney. We Hate Tourists" or " Melbourne. What School Did You Go To?" - You know the word ''Moomba'' means Up Your Bum, White Man.

- You're not happy Melbourne has been voted the World's Most Liveable City. You'd prefer it was voted "Most Enigmatic, Tortured And Slightly Dangerous City". - You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi. - You've looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you've watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing, and waved like an idiot. - You think beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing. - Any music by Paul Kelly makes you suddenly think of the Nylex sign and something about making gravy.

- When you meet someone from Kew, you always ask "Near Kew?" - Jon Faine shits you but you can't switch him off. - You've been to the Royal Melbourne Show and the scariest ride is the train home. - You don't get the jokes about the Yarra. Or Melbourne weather. - When you hear the word ''Bougainville'' you think of Northland.

- You don't judge people on their looks, wealth or status but on the bread they buy, the coffee they serve and the newspaper they read. - You know a kid with two mummies. - You pretend the Sydney-Melbourne rivalry doesn't exist. Which it doesn't. Because Sydney doesn't care. And that really shits you. - You brag Melbourne is the creative capital of Australia, but your walls are full of signed football jumpers. - When someone says thanks you say, "No Dromanas."

- When you hear the word ''Easter'' the first thing you think of is the Royal Children's Hospital Appeal and Zig and Zag. And then you quickly think of something else. - If someone is referred to as a ''showbag'' you know it means they're cheap and full of shit. - Your kid's favourite foods are sushi, spanakopita and felafel. Which are also the names of the three kids they sit next to at school. - If a friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your first question is, ''Who do they barrack for?'' - You think if we all ignore Federation Square, Docklands and Robert Doyle they'll go away.

- You can list all the ingredients in pesto. And you're three years old. - Cup Day. Gambling at 9am. Drunk by noon. Broke at 3.20pm. Asleep by 4pm. Hungover at 5pm. All while at work. - You think Aberfeldie is a tartan, Coonan's Hill is a wine and South Wharf is in Sydney. - Chopper Read, Ned Kelly, Squizzy Taylor, the Morans and the Williamses. Sure they're crims, but we all agree they've given the place colour. - You lose respect for friends if they move over the other side of the river.

- When holding a dinner party, you know the point is to serve food no one has ever heard of, from a country people didn't know existed, bought from a little shop they'll never be able to find. - You were against the casino but, you have to admit, it does keep the bogans out of the city. - Pot, cantaloupe, potato cake and hook turn. Build a bridge and get over it. Catherine Deveny's third collection of columns, Free to a Good Home, is due out in November and published by Black Inc.