It’s the most hallowed weekend on the Australian calendar: GRAND FINAL(S) WEEKEND!! Where the climactic build up of two sporting codes reaches critical mass and ejaculates a high pressure, high testosterone discharge of footy across the entire fucking nation.

Basically, if you don’t like footy … well, you don’t really have an option.

But get fucked anyway.

Tens of thousands of fans will flock to stadiums and millions more will tune in across the nation to drunkenly distract themselves for what will only ever be a brief respite from their miserable and painful lives.

But on the upside, a shit-tonne of people will be eating some incredibly awful food whilst half-cut on medium strength ‘beer’, and given the lion’s share of fanatics will be at Melbourne Cricket Ground on Saturday afternoon, we thought we’d have a look at what’s on offer…

There was a lot of buzz at the start of the year around the big drop in prices for food at the G (and the barely mentioned rise in beer prices). As stated on the MCG website:

“Research conducted by the AFL last season showed that the MCG’s bold move to lower prices further than any other venue was a major driver in increased satisfaction levels among footy fans, with affordability one of the key issues identified by regular attendee and families in previous years.”

What this is essentially saying is:

“Due to profit margins, there can’t possibly be an increase in the quality or standard of food provided, but on second inspection, even we realised that the lips and assholes we were attempting to pass off as food couldn’t be taken seriously at that price. But who’s going to give a shit after 17 mid-strength beers? Oh and we’re increasing the price of the alcohol, you bogan morons.”

But don’t let that deter you, there’s a whole bunch of ‘upmarket’ new outlets to check out!

Why not stop in at the Ron Barrasi Cafe where they honour the man who sweated his blood and tears for decades with a ‘bag of fries with house spice mix’, or maybe pop past the very appropriately named Dog Bar, to rat on your mates, oh, and try some new ‘gourmet’ hot dogs ….

…. and you can pretend hot dogs aren’t made like this:

You probably got your grand final tickets through some corporate deal or because you know someone cool; don’t worry about those Doggies supporters who have been waiting decades for this, just get the most out of the day. I mean, you probably sent like 5 emails and posted on Facebook a few times for those tickets, so who’s got time to wait in a queue at a fancy new outlet while you’re missing all the action, especially after all that effort?!

Let’s have a look at some quick and reliable favourites…

Hot Chips

Price: $4.10

Commonly known in Australia as ‘dead mans fingers’. As most people know today, they get their name from the English, who invented them to remind the Irish that no matter where they were on white, colonial earth, there will be no escape from the memory of the Great Famine. But Irish or not, once you’ve had a skinful, who’s going to say no to these delicious potato fingers? … except maybe your heart … at around the age of fifty.

But, yum, amirite?!

Four ‘N Twenty Meat Pie

Price: $4.10

They say ‘you are what you eat’ and there’s a reason a meat pie looks like an asshole. But hey, it’s tradition! You’ll hear that a thousand times as an Australian until you’re old enough to realise that most of the ‘traditions’ we have are basically just us being cunts or assholes, or both.

But the best thing about shoving this mystery meat disc at your face at high speed, whilst you worry about the beers in the carry tray balanced precariously on your knees, is that you probably won’t even remember you ate it!

And just like every other Aussie ‘tradition’, ignorance really is bliss.

Chicken Schnitzel Burger

Price: $7.80

Not a lot of people know this, but chickens are the most untrustworthy animals. That’s a big part of why humans started eating them, to teach the rest of them a lesson. The schnitzel is a cut of meat across the back and wing and once pounded into a pattie shape, and deep fried to remove the original flavour, it makes for some incredible eating with two pieces of lettuce and a huge dollop of mayo.

FUN FACT: the ‘chefs’ often let the meat reach room temperature in the ‘kitchens’ at the G. That’s going to make racing home to use the bathroom after the match pretty fun in that gridlocked traffic. Enjoy the ‘eight buck squirts’!

Sushi

Price: $5.20

In a valiant effort to appear more culturally sensitive and health conscious, sushi has now been added to the menu. This should appeal to you if you’ve just done about a million reps at Zap Fitness and want to hang with the crew, but haven’t forgtten that summer is JUST around the corner! *cheeky winky face*

Have a good time, but not TOO good a time, you know?

A second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!

You can pretend that that the rice and mayo combo you just inhaled DIDN’T have more calories then the yellow food you just dodged, genius.

Salad

Price: $8.30

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

…. oh and I hadn’t even seen the price!

Top vegan stitch-up, full marks.

I think we’re all just lucky they haven’t added any Meatloaf to the menu, fuck knows how sick that made us all last time.

GO THE __________ (insert team name)!!!!!!!