My brain is just a collection of impulses that I haven’t full control over. Usually however, the impulses are helpful or at worst harmless…usually.

“Clean the dishes” Yes, that’s a good idea.

“Get out of bed” Yeah I probably should.

“Go get another job”

I agree and almost passively I suddenly have another job. I don’t feel like I put in the work to get it though.

My entire mental existence is just acting or not acting upon impulses but somehow I’m not always the one assessing these impulses and making these judgments on them. I’ve had, acted upon, learned from, ignored, and forgotten impulses without even ever noticing before. It occurs totally passively most of the time, I think perhaps so I can daydream uninterrupted while still functioning. However there are judgments I would like to be present for and pulled from my daydreams to oversee. I sometimes do not get the call. Or sometimes I do get the call but the impulses are overwhelming. It’s like my brain will essentially get DDoS’d by impulses. It’s like, “Here’s one-hundred and one reasons why you should do this thing” and I have ten seconds to consider all 101 items or the system defaults to following through. I forget to watch the clock and I’m at item nine when the system times out. Just to add insult five out of those nine items I did review were meaningless filler…on purpose I suspect. Distracting.

99% of the time this autopilot is accurate but I wonder if it’s actually me or just a damn good simulation of myself. I do not think that this is any different from how any other human operates, however I am critical aware of it incredibly often. Under stress I feel like this autopilot behaves strangely, or perhaps I’m just watching myself behave strangely without having much say. Humans do behave strangely under stress, and contrary to popular belief I am in fact human. It’s like I’ve trained this autopilot to perform on stage and I have a wager on it performing the winning act. I’m behind the curtain when I send it off onto the stage with a pat on the back, “Do good!” I would say enthusiastically. Usually its act is a success but sometimes my autopilot has a bad day. It comes off stage back to me sulking, genuinely sorry. I don’t hold anything against it. Should I?

Sometimes I take the stage myself though. The result is spectacular. My autopilot watches carefully, learning.

Perhaps there’s a reason I perform better than my autopilot though. Perhaps it isn’t meant to do your job of being a person, but just to help you through the day. That leads me to some questions though. Have I trained my autopilot too well… Or not enough? Is this just something having to do with laziness and the bare minimum for comfortable survival? Is this autopilot just me watching myself with a sort of third person perspective allowing the honest judgment of myself or is it actually autonomous? Do you have an autopilot? Is there some other sort of explanation for me in a daydream trance being able to respond to something the way I would normally, instantaneously, and without actually considering it or having any sort of conscious internal reflection? There must be because every once in a great while it gets it wrong, I notice, and I think, “That’s not what I would have said/done”.

What do you think?