Romania’s newest dance music event, Interval 100, have this week announced plans for an endurance dance contest which will see two thousand five hundred ravers battle it out for the title of Last Man Standing.

“The Last Man Standing contest is going to be one of the many highlights at a festival packed with some of the world’s best DJ’s playing on massive rigs to a discerning audience,” explained Interval 100 spokesperson, Konstantin Domescu. “To be honest, I think we’re probably going to find it difficult to have only one winner as I’ve often seen Romanian clubbers dancing many hours, and sometimes days, after the nightclub has closed.”

The announcement of the Last Man Standing contest has caused feverish preparation among some of Europe’s most dedicated ravers, with many of them going to elaborate lengths to ensure victory at next week’s event.

“I’ve been squeezing spinach straight from a tin can, smoking a pipe and speaking like a jittery-voiced, shell shocked, Scottish sailor to prepare for the feat of dancing stamina that’s going to see me win this thing,” claimed Joe ‘Popeye’ Saylerman. “I got the idea after accidentally squeezing beer all down the front of my Popeye t-shirt while listening to an especially banging part of a Mano Le Tough set from 2012.”

Joe claims that he has been “bathing only in Evian, trimming his toenails to square nubs and spending up to 15 hours every day dancing to get himself fit”.

“I started off listening to Nina Kravitz and Marcel Dettmann, to get me in the mood,” explained Joe. “But eventually it stopped being enough of a challenge to listen to forward thinking, quality techno so I’ve started listening to music that’s actually difficult to dance to, so naturally Calvin Harris and Steve Aoki are top of that list.”

“Trying to find even a rudimentary, danceable groove in their tracks is like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles,” continued Joe. “Thankfully dignity isn’t that important to me so I could dance to their music without feeling any shame.”

Joe, pictured above practicing new dance moves in his sex dungeon, commented that, as he gets better at dancing to crap, undanceable music, he may start listening to the theme music from popular kids TV shows as “having listened to Aoki all week, this is the natural progression”.

“My dancing muscles are going to be just like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acting skills, thick and wooden but weirdly successful!” gushed Joe. “I’ll have listened to so much absolute dogshit that by the time I get to Interval 100, dancing to real dance music is going to be a shuffle in the park.”

Joe, who is currently favourite for the title, having been “practising boxes boxes cardboard boxes using real boxes”, claims to be “extra confident” after receiving a blessing from the Pope, who he labelled “a proper techno head with a soft spot for Carl Cox’s bouncy sets”.

Some of the other elaborate schemes that Interval 100 ticket holders are undergoing to prepare for Last Man Standing include “building and then grafting bionic leg muscles from bits of ham and old Fatboy Slim saliva, practicing dancing only using eyebrows for minimal effort” and, the most popular, “just buying a ticket and going to the event without any preparation because the only challenging part of dancing at Interval 100 will be stopping”.