How many rules have you broken this week? Perhaps you ate a Twix at the wheel of your car, or illegally downloaded a song from the internet. It's fine. You can admit it. Apparently, we all do it. A new survey says the average Briton breaks 260 rules a year, ranging from peeing in public to fly-tipping. It turns out that, deep down, we're all a bunch of crooks. Well, most of us are.

I'm not. I'm a conscientious citizen. I cling to the letter of the law like the prissy little do-gooder I am. So this study blew my mind. "People break five rules a week?" I thought. "Why didn't I know about this?" Which is why today I embarked on a non-stop rule-breaking spree of my own. Consider me the Al Capone of minor societal infractions.

Stuart Heritage sticks his used chewing gum to a lamppost. Photograph: Graham Turner for the Guardian

First, I headed to town for lunch. I took the train into central London, planning to annoy other passengers by listening to loud music. What actually happened – because my phone hadn't synced and it was the middle of the day – was that I listened to a spoken-word podcast as loudly as I could, but it didn't annoy anyone because the only other person in my carriage was an angry Russian lady who spent the entire journey screaming into her phone. But it's the thought that counts. I'd broken my first rule.

Next, I crossed a road – no waiting for the green man – and bought a sandwich. I grabbed a napkin from the dispenser. And then another. And another. And another. This was at least two napkins more than I needed, but what a rush! Then, blood pumping in my ears, I did the impossible. I took a straw. A straw! You don't need a straw to eat a sandwich! I ran out of the cafe giddy with rebellion. A straw! Take that, society.

Stuart Heritage splashes about in water without even taking his shoes off. Photograph: Graham Turner for the Guardian

There was no stopping me now. I spattered a wodge of chewing gum on a lamppost. I jaywalked. I gave serious thought to littering. And then I saw it. The rill running down to City Hall. With barely a thought for anyone, I leapt in. Forget that it's silly to splash around in water with your shoes on. I didn't care. I wasn't part of anyone's system any more. I was a rebel now!

This rill-based countercultural freakout lasted about three seconds, until a security guard asked me what I was doing and I let out a pathetic little meep and ran home, ashamed of myself. I even went back and removed the chewing gum from the lamppost.

In total, I broke around eight rules on my spree – close to a fortnight's worth. Which would be fine, but the stress caused me to age about a decade. If you want to misbehave like this, go ahead, but it's clear it isn't the life for me.