COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “major problem” that happens far too often, local man Tyler Harris, 26, told reporters Wednesday that he absolutely hates it when other guys come up to his girlfriend and treat her with respect. “All these dudes think they can just walk right up to Amanda and start speaking to her like she’s a fellow human being and I’m not gonna notice? They better back off,” said Harris, who added that anyone who’s considering asking her about her unique personal interests and desires or assumes she has opinions of her own should definitely think twice before trying anything. “What do they think they’re doing by attentively listening to what she has to say and considering her thoughts and feelings when interacting with her? She’s mine, and nobody talks to her like that—not if I have anything to do with it.” Harris concluded his warning with a promise to beat the shit out of any man who even so much as looked at his girlfriend like she was an intelligent, independent individual.

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