There’s been an avalanche of stories lately of people believing completely mundane occurrences are miracles. Have we learned our lesson? Of course not! Here’s a cross atop the Church of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary in Providence, Rhode Island:

This may appear as a corroded cross to you, but it’s actually a miracle (an act of god) that has people flocking to the church:

A steady stream of people gathered Friday in the rain at the Church of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary to witness what some believe is an image of the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus. “It’s her. It’s amazing,” said Zumma Canedo, of North Providence.

It’s a silhouette that looks vaguely like a woman (could be Mrs. Butterworth or Aunt Jemima) but more like a Nazgûl or the Grim Reaper, yet this person is certain, even though there are no facial features present (and as if even if the Virgin Mary had existed that anybody would know what she looked like to compare to the facial features that aren’t present on this cross) that it’s the Virgin Mary.

Canedo, a native of Bolivia, said she had prayed the rosary while standing in the rain outside the church on Mineral Spring Avenue. “She’s saying something,” Canedo said.

Can’t hear “her” saying anything (because corrosion doesn’t speak) and has no clue what “Mary” is saying even if she was, but is still certain that the pattern of corrosion on the cross is saying something. Does she not think that wise ethereal figures, or even god, is incapable of being more clear? If a message is important enough to convey, why can’t god convey it clearly?

Do these people think that god’s telling them to join the circus every time they see the face of a clown in a cloud? Our brains look for patterns in things. Is it so hard to believe that sometimes various natural processes might produce the outline of a woman?

So we have a perfectly mundane occurrence: corrosion on copper. And yet…

Traffic backed up on the busy road, disrupting a funeral procession that was leaving the church at 11:30 a.m.

You wouldn’t get a line like that outside the laboratory that discovered the cure for cancer. But corrosion on a cross in the vague shape of a woman and it’s enough to convince a lot of Catholics that we’ve received communication from god.

Asked if she believed it was Mary as she headed to the church, Andreozzi said: “We need a miracle the way this country is going, the turmoil that we are in. Absolutely, I believe.”

Our country is in turmoil and needs help, and how did the wisest being in the universe who loves us and has the capability to solve all our problems choose to help? He could’ve made food grow in third world countries where children starve, but instead he went with tarnishing a piece of copper out in the elements in a shape that vaguely resembles a human (not absolutely resembles any particular human). Absolutely Andreozzi thinks that sounds plausible! Thanks god.

Also, congratulations to anybody who donated a single dollar to charity recently. You have done something more effective and more demonstrative of concern for humanity than god’s miracle. Well met.

If only there was an explanation for this cross more likely to be true than a god who decided to communicate in a way that doesn’t convey any information and to help our country in turmoil in a way that doesn’t fix anything. Science, what do you got?

Brian Dowling, associate director at The Steel Yard, a nonprofit community arts program in Providence, said the discoloration is probably a chemical reaction. “Like patina,” Dowling said referring to the tarnish that forms on copper from oxidation and other chemical reactions. Copper, Dowling said, yields a wide spectrum of colors, from greens to browns to reds.

Oh, this kind of thing happens all the time? Oh. I guess tarnish is a more flattering manifestation of god than aphid shit.