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Nighttime birds, the cost of motherhood in the US, troubleshooting dad’s pornography license, a government for the unlucky, soph calls in about kid prisons, Digibro is in studio, a guide for dealing with a stinky, a Dick Show Virgin gets rejected by a prostitute, moving across the country for cans, Vic Lasagna, Jamie Marchi learns about contextual racism the hard way, Sean and his slow editing, and the Dr. Phil episodes have been found; all that and more this week on the Dick Show!

Bonus Episode 34: Dick on The Fox Cartoon is coming out Thursday. That’s the story Sean’s going with anyway, who is stuck in an unseasonably busy ass harvest this time of year. I spend a few minutes chewing Sean out over it to start the episode. That’s pretty much the only thing I know how to do to speed things up. I promise it will be worth the wait–unlike Maddox’s video game.

Speaking of shitty songs that are now stuck in your head, sing it with me, “Do you want to buy a tank top?” Dick Show tank tops for men and “designer” tank tops for women are available in the Dick Shop for a very limited time. I’ll probably print and ship them starting next Wednesday, so get yours today, or anytime this week! But first…

When you think about it, the incidence of school shootings in America are shockingly low. As we’ve learned from the experimental use of child soldiers in African countries, the human being, when combined with even rudimentary modern weapons, is lethal as young as seven years old. Wow! So why then is the rate of school shootings almost zero? We have weapons in abundance and the motivation is certainly there. After all, being stuck back in school is literally the stuff of nightmares. We all have them.

Child soldiers in Africa are fighting for “freedom” in only the very abstract sense. They don’t shut down war for a week in Africa when a some of their meat cogs get ground out. We do. Maybe American kids are just huge pussies. Or they aren’t as bored as I say they are. Possible. Maybe the Moore’s law that is public education; the race against psychosis and suicide and dysfunction as offset by the science of indoctrination and distraction, endless tasks and repetition, at the hands of America’s least sufferable and the dulling of curiosity by drugs and the threat of violence and the constant priming and receptifying and reconditioning agent that is unimaginable future opportunity cost–does that follow? It’s a game show where you never actually get to pick a door, and nowhere else than in school are people more receptive to fantasy threatened with the loss of so much for the effort of so little. There are laws against it. Maybe our army of professional victims hit just the right balance to keep our army of child soldiers at bay.

Or maybe–and this is the one I think is happening, maybe the tolerance of children for the grotesque and desperate incompetence and selfishness of their praetor/poets is beyond what even the most pious among us would consider possible.

I don’t know why twenty-year-olds allow people to not allow them to drink. They’ve been lethal for thirteen years. I don’t know why thirteen-year-olds allow people to force them to wake up at 7AM to fulfill the hoarding compulsions and dictatorial fantasies of America’s least sufferable. They’ve been lethal for six years. I don’t know why eight-year-olds do homework. They’ve been lethal for a year. Tigers don’t do homework, do they?

Let’s say it’s because of tolerance, and that they have not yet learned the diminishing utility of it. I don’t want to say it’s because they’re pussies. Now here’s soph with “Suicide Bomb”. A+!!!

“Everybody Report This” by VizzyG.



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Cuck Season thumbnail by Cliff Campbell.



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