WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve these magnificent animals so that I can watch them suffer one by one,” said Zinke, adding that the more species were preserved, the more opportunities he would have to look on as they starved, choked on garbage, or became caught in bear traps. “Animals, plants, and insects are currently dying out at the rate of 200 per day, and it’s just not humanly possible to savor the death throes of the last of something’s kind if they’re all happening at once. We need to pump the brakes and make an effort to preserve, oh, let’s say, the last thousand Hawaiian harbor seals so that someday my grandchildren can experience the wonder of watching as the life drains from their adorable little eyes.” Zinke concluded by introducing a fundraising measure designed to draw out the suffering of the nation’s most iconic endangered bird by selling T-shirts and bumper stickers emblazoned with the legend “SAVE THE CALIFORNIA CONDOR FOR LAST.”

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