We may only be four days into the new year, but resolutions are already being tested. If you planned to give up smoking, you may have already buckled. If you planned to join a gym, you may have been put off by all the sweat and mirrors. But if you planned to get pregnant with the baby of a skinny, independent cinema darling with a ratty-looking beard, you're in luck. Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm online. For $1m.

It all sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? You simply log on to vgmerchandise.com, fork out $1m and in return you get the chance to become the mother of a child who – if it follows in its father's footsteps – will grow up to form several bad bands, star in a number of films that nobody really watches and direct films that nobody really likes. Imagine the pride that will swell up in your heart as you sit little Jimmy or little Susan down to watch the blowjob scene from The Brown Bunny.

There are caveats of course and, since this is Vincent Gallo, it's hard to tell if they are genuine or an attempt at tedious, deliberately provocative, "betcha didn't think I'd say that" shtick. As the website states: "Mr Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration."

It's not all bad news, though – if you're naturally blonde or the relative of a mid-century German soldier, Gallo is kind enough to offer you a $50,000 discount. And it helps if you're Jewish, too – since a "connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance film festival or an Oscar". Very droll. Or slightly bitter and heavy-handed. The jury's out.

But what if you don't want to spend a million dollars to have Vincent Gallo's baby? What if you simply want him to fulfill your deepest fantasy? Well, for the knock-down price of $50,000, you can do exactly that. And this time there are no such limitations. You can do whatever you desire. Personally, I think it'd be quite nice to sit him down and spend an evening forcing him to read a book on how to make films that aren't terrible but, as a male, I'm not the market he's pitching to.

Even if you are among the, frankly, short-sighted minority who wouldn't want to shell out an inordinate amount of cash to spend some intimate time with the star of Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby, you still have a chance to own a piece of Gallo. For $2,000 you can have a tatty bit of cloth with some small flowers drawn on it; $1,500 buys you a photograph of Gallo standing in a bowling alley; and $150 buys you a T-shirt with the words Vincent Gallo written across the front in marker pen. The point is that, even in these times of severe recession, you can't not afford to have some Vincent Gallo in your life.

Or, you know, you could just get Mr Belding from Saved By the Bell to phone you up for $20 instead. That's probably just as good.