You’re in the pub, enjoying a nice cold drink, then suddenly your mate asks you “how do you think Peru will get on at the world cup this year?”. Nightmare. But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Just pick a team below and we’ll give you 3 quotes you can use that will shut your mate up and allow you to blag your way through the world cup, even if you know ZERO about football.

Then follow our World Cup Survival Quotes Twitter feed, for match by match quotes.

Edit: We’ll be updating the quotes for each team after every game. So if in doubt, use the latest quote.

What Team Is Your Mate Asking You About? Pick a team Argentina Australia Belgium Brazil Colombia Costa Rica Croatia Denmark Egypt England France Germany Iceland Iran Japan South Korea Mexico Morocco Nigeria Panama Peru Poland Portugal Russia Saudi Arabia Senegal Serbia Spain Sweden Switzerland Tunisia Uruguay

Argentina 2 free kicks for the 2 best players in the world. Ronaldo curls his into the top corner. Messi blasts his into the wall. That’s the difference isn’t it? Think they’re going to have a disappointing tournament again. Last chance for Messi isn’t it? Love to see him lifting the world cup. Bit up and down in qualifying weren’t they? Amazing individual players, but I just don’t know if they’ve got what it takes to go all the way. Ridiculous quality in the final third. If they stick with their 3-4-3 formation they’ve got a chance.

Australia If it wasn’t for technology they could have stolen an unlikely win. VAR for the first and goal line tech for the second. Kept it tighter than I thought they would. No idea how they’re going to play with all the uncertainty over the manager. Dark horse for me, who could make it to the last 16, or end up getting humped in all 3 group games. Can’t believe Cahill (Kay-hill) is still going at 38 can you? If he can score a few goals in the group they might do ok. They’ll be out in the group stage mate. Not enough quality.

Belgium Unstoppable in qualifying weren’t they? I fancy them for the quarters at least. Lukaku and Hazard? I wouldn’t want to come up against them, that’s for sure. I like their 3-4-2-1 formation. And everyone’s talking about Hazard, but I’m looking forward to seeing Meunier from PSG.

Brazil They’re going to win it mate. Can’t see a repeat of the Germany game from 2014 this time mate. Final at least. What do you make of that 4-1-4-1 formation then? Been effective that’s for sure. Neymar could rip the tournament up if he’s on form.

Colombia Did well in 2014 to reach the quarters, but I can’t see it this time mate. Be lucky to get out the group. I like the look of Rodriguez from Bayern, and I’m also looking forward to seeing Sanchez from Spurs on the big stage. Not sure if they’ve got what it takes overall though. They play a 4-2-3-1 right? Struggled in qualifying, but they got there, and if they turn up on the day, they could cause a few surprises.

Costa Rica Loved watching them in 2014. Incredible run to the quarters and think they could do the same again in Russia. Killed it in qualifying didn’t they? Think they qualified with 2 games to spare right? If Navas is on form, he could be the difference. I like their 5-4-1 system. Served them well in qualifying and if they get off to a good start against Serbia, I can see them progressing nicely.

Croatia Struggled in qualifying didn’t they? But great effort to get past Greece in the playoffs. Don’t see them getting out the group though to be honest. Not sure mate. I mean what’s Modric (mod-rich) now, like 32? Quite like the boy Vlasic from Everton mind you. I’m not sure that 4-2-3-1 system is working for them. Got them through the playoffs, but the draw was fairly kind to them getting Greece. Think they’ll struggle.

Denmark Destroyed Ireland in the playoffs didn’t they. And I think they beat Poland 4-0 too? Could be one to watch. That Christian Eriksen is some player. Think he got something like 11 goals in 12 matches? If he can keep up that form they’ve got a chance of making the quarters. I like their straightforward 4-3-3 system. Old school but effective. I fancy them to get some decent results, particularly if Eriksen is on form.

Egypt They’ll be gutted at that last minute goal from Uruguay. Can’t see them making it out the group now. They’re going to have to risk Salah against Russia. They’re going to struggle without Salah (sal-ah) for the first couple of games I think. Hopefully he makes it back for the final group game at least. He was ridiculous for Liverpool this year. I think they could surprise a few people, even without Salah (sal-ah). Tough side to break down and happy to sit in and try to nick a goal. I like the 4-2-3-1 system they play. Means they can get players behind the ball when defending, but can break in numbers.

England We. Won. On. Penalties. It’s coming home mate!

France Closer than I thought it was going to be against Australia. But you can see they’ve got real quality all the way through the team. First World Cup goal to be influenced by the VAR. Sure it won’t be the last. I think it’s between them and Brazil. Depends on who they get in the semis, but they could go all the way this year. Really excited by this French team. Technical, quick, and defensively sound. If Griezmann is on form they’ll do well. Big question is whether they’re going to go 4-4-2, or 4-3-3 isn’t it? If they all play, a front line of Griezmann, Mbappe, and Dembele will take some stopping.

Germany They played well against Mexico, but they looked vulnerable every time Mexico broke with the ball. They’ll be hurting after that result, and they’re going to have to beat Sweden now. That’s going to be a cracker. It’s Germany mate. They’ll be there or there abouts. 100% record in qualifying right? Thought they might be on the way down after losing to France in the semis of the Euros, but seem to have bounced back nicely. Semis at least. They play that 4-2-3-1 system and it works for them. If Kroos keeps things ticking over in the middle of the park, and Ozil is on form, they could make the final.

Iceland Some result that against the argies. Their organisation and team spirit is unreal. Smallest nation ever to qualify for the world cup so they are. Think they’ll struggle to make the same impact they did in the Euros. Big test against the Argies in their first game. If they can come out that with a point they’ll be doing well. Wonder if they’ll stick with a 4-4-2, or go one up top for the Argentina game. Hopefully Sigurdsson is fit enough after his knee injury.

Iran Some result for them against Morocco. Don’t think they’ll have enough quality to get a result against Spain or Portugal, but with their defensive record they have a small chance of nicking a point. 12 consecutive clean sheets in qualifying, so they could be tough to break down. They’re going to have to win their first game against Morocco as I can’t see them taking more than a point out the games against Spain and Portugal. I’m looking forward to seeing Ghoddos in the middle of the park, particularly if they stick with their traditional 4-4-2.

Japan I like the counter attacking style that Halilhodzic has them playing. Might scrape a result or two for them. Good to see Honda and Kagawa made the squad. Couldn’t believe it when Halilhodzic dropped them. Quality players. If they set up 4-3-3 as they have been doing, and play on the counter, they’ll do alright.

South Korea I think they’re going to struggle big time. Very lucky to qualify and they’ve got nothing going forward. Doubt they’ll ever reach the heights of the 2002 semi under Hiddink again. Out in the first round. I think they’re playing 4-4-2 at the moment, but it’s not working. Don’t fancy them to progress.

Mexico They looked devastating on the counter against Germany. Unbelievable result. First time Germany have been beaten in their opening game since 82. They’ll definitely make the knockout stages, they always do. Think they’ve reached the last 16 in the last 6 world cups, but I can’t see them going much further than that. Hernandez is a decent striker, but their problem is always whether or not they can create the chances for him. If they can, then they’ll do alright. Wonder if they’ll stick with a 4-3-3 this time? Think the way the draw is they’ll get Brazil in the last 16, so that will be as far as they go.

Morocco They had to take something from the Iran game and they didn’t. Game over for them now with Portugal and Spain to come. No way they are getting out of a group with Portugal and Spain. Nightmare draw for them, and they’ll be home after the groups. That Ziyech is a decent player, but overall, they don’t have enough quality to progress. Think they’ll need to stick to their 4-5-1 in the games against Portugal and Spain and hope to nick a goal on the counter. They’re decent at the back, but don’t have the quality up top to make an impact on the tournament.

Nigeria Lowest ranked African team at the tournament and I can’t see them getting out of their group to be honest. Think their best bet will be to hit on the counter and use the pace of Iwobi and Iheanacho up top. Not great at the back, and if they stick with that 4-3-3 formation I fear for them. Argentina could rip them apart.

Panama No way they’re getting out of a group containing Belgium and England. They’re playing for 3rd place, which unfortunately means an early flight home. Too old. Too defensive. Not enough quality. They’re going to struggle big time. Did well to qualify using a conventional 4-4-2 system, but if they stick with that in the tournament they’re going to get over-run in the middle of the park. The Belgium game could be a long and painful 90 minutes.

Peru They’re a very good side actually, but they’ve got a tough draw with France, Denmark, and Australia. France will win the group, so it’s going to be between them and Denmark for 2nd place isn’t it? I think Denmark will shade it, so they’ll be going home after the group. That Guerrero is some player, and I like the look of Cueva too. Going to be tough to qualify from that group though. That 4-2-3-1 formation works well, and I like their style of possession football. If they can get out the group, I can see them causing problems in the knockout stages.

Poland Going to be plenty of goals in their games isn’t there? I think they averaged 3 goals in every qualifying game, and let in a ton too. Should be good to watch. Think they’ll win their group. Lewandowski could be an outside shout for the golden boot if he can bang a few in against Japan and Senegal. The 4-2-3-1 system they play works well for them and they could make the quarters if they can bring their best form.

Portugal Ronaldo single handedly got them a point against Spain. Unbelievable performance. And the composure he showed to put that free kick away. Incredible. Was gutted for Ronaldo when he had to go off in the Euro final, so was awesome to see him get to lift the trophy all the same. That guy can win a game single handed, so they could go a long way. They’re getting on a bit now, particularly at the back, and might have peaked at the Euros. Would love to see Ronaldo make it to a world cup final before he hangs up his boots. If they stick with a 4-4-2 and can get Ronaldo on the ball, they’ll make the quarters at least.

Russia Hammered Saudi Arabia didn’t they? If they can keep up that form they might reach the quarters. Always good for a tournament when the hosts do well, but I think they might struggle to get out of their group. Either way, they won’t make it past the last 16. Smolov is a good player, but I’m not convinced they have enough overall quality. Just look at their recent results. Think they’ll go with a 3-5-2? I’m not sure they’ll have enough to get out of the group to be honest.

Senegal Going to be good to watch I think. Be good to see Sadio Mane on the big stage. They have some talented players. Mane obviously, and Koulibaly from Napoli is pretty good. But not sure if they have the experience overall to make a major impact. Their 4-3-3 system could work well with the players they have. They’ve got a chance of finishing second in the group, but think Poland will beat them to the top spot.

Serbia Don’t think there is enough quality there mate. Can’t see them getting out the group and Brazil could give them a hammering. Looking forward to seeing Milinković-Savić. Think Man U are interested in him? They’ll struggle though. They weren’t very impressive in qualifying, and I’m not sure a 3-4-3 is the right system for them. Don’t think they’ll make it to the knockout stages.

Spain You could tell they were gutted to just get a point out that performance against Portugal. It was basically Spain vs Ronaldo wasn’t it? Fancied them before the tournament and I haven’t changed my mind. Fell apart in Brazil and France, but I think they’ll do better this time. Fancy them for the semis at least. With De Gea in the sticks and Ramos at the back, they’ve got a solid base. And if Iniesta and Silva can rise to the occasion one last time they could go all the way. You know what you’re going to get with Spain don’t you? 4-5-1, quality passing football, and a lot of goals. Will be good to watch and I fancy them to go a long way this time.

Sweden Without Zlatan I just don’t know if they’re going to have the quality in the final third. Did incredibly well to get past Italy in the playoffs mind you. That Forsberg looks a player. Problem is going to be who is going to put away the chances he creates? Meat and 2 veg 4-4-2 and you pretty much know how they’re going to play. I think they’ll end up third in the group though behind Mexico.

Switzerland Nice blend of youth and experience in their side and I think they only conceded something like 7 goals in qualifying. Brazil will be tough, but if they can get past Costa Rica, they’ll get second in the group. Shaqiri is some player. He could be one of the breakout stars of the tournament if he’s on form. Think they’ll probably go with one up top in a 4-5-1 formation. Fancy them to get out the group, but not sure if they’ll make it past the last 16.

Tunisia They’re pretty well organised and will be tough to break down. But I think England and Belgium will just have too much quality and they’ll finish third in the group. Boring. They’ll sit back and try and nick a point from the Belgium and England games. Khaoui is about all they’ve got creativity wise. They’ll probably play a 4-2-3-1, sit in, and try and nick a goal. Not looking forward to watching them, and they’ll be out after the groups.

Saudi Arabia They got pumped by Russia didn’t they? I fear for them in the next two games mate. I think they could struggle. After all, they’re the lowest ranked of all 31 qualifiers. Did well to qualify, but they’re lacking a bit of experience in their squad. The fact they keep chopping and changing their manager doesn’t help things. Depends if they use the 4-3-3 they used in qualifying or if the new manager decides to change it. I doubt they will get out the group to be honest.

Uruguay Really disappointed with them on Friday. But they still managed to sneak the win, which is all that matters really. They were awesome in qualifying weren’t they? Strolled it. I’m excited to see them play. That Bentancur from Juve (you-vay) looks a player and a half. Not sure to be honest. I was surprised that they struggled in their friendlies, particularly after they romped it in qualifying. Think there will be a fair few goals in their games anyway.

David McSweeney NoobNorm co-founder David writes about golf, fitness, and photography. He regularly tests new golf training aids, swing theories, and the latest DSLR and action cameras.

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