Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Diving fuckface Alli and loyal servant Sir Crouch of the Smallwater

IN (For -4 points): BARKS and Defoe

No surprise - live hit was taken on the pod. As a postmortem it feels like it was a good hit with decent upside. I still think Alli will get points and is fine but I feel like Kane is plenty so that’s fine today. Crouch was a legend for me and got me pretty decent points for the spell I held him but the writing was always on the wall. Deciding to go back to 343 instead of 352 meant his time was up. Also conveniently won’t have to have him for the weekend’s game against Palace so won’t have conflicts of interest which I always hate. Bumping up to Defoe feels great and Defoe should just happily sit and tit until I WC when no one will be safe. Fixtures are pretty good but realistically who the fuck knows when Defoe will score. I don’t. Will just keep him for a while and watch the points trickle in when least expected. Finally, Rossosaurous Rex is welcomed back into the squad for the first time in a looonggggg while. I have high hopes for little lad Ross. His stats have been pretty good and he is the true master of the side pass do nothing assist. Tough fixture, but whatever, feels good to have brought him in after looking at doing so for the past couple of weeks. Too bad I missed his haul last weekend but such is life. He’ll get a run through GW29 so hopefully he brings in some differential points for me.

GK: TOM gets to shut out the Champions elect at home for a 12 pointer this weekend. Can’t wait to see all the people who start Jaku over him get fucked sideways. Just kidding bros. 3 pointer the realistic hope this weekend.

DEF: Standard trio goes again. Baines continues to lose ground to Goleman which is a sad thing every game. Need a pen15 this weekend to tip things in our favor. At Boro is as good as it gets for an away fixture so hoping for points. Alonso at Burnley is basically free points. Finally, Brunt in an away game is basically guaranteed 1 or 2 points. Meh. Better than Holes at United that is for goddamn sure. Maybe Bruntinho can get me some assist or some shit off a set piece.

MID: Been getting some new friends and new blood in midfield. Siggy had a nice ding for me on his inaugural game last weekend against City which was a great tit…even though slight miff about the yellow card for dissent he took at the end of the game which knocked him off a bap. Fucking Mike Dean too much of a pussy to listen to some Icelandic sing songs. New friend Ross goes of course. Go on Ross give me some good feels. Alexis standard and finally Yaya got a stay of execution in what will be his ta ta farewell game for me. Came so close to a free kick ding last weekend but fucking Flappyhanded dickhead said no. Sucks having a reverse OOP guy in midfield but if he gets me something at Bournemouth he will be sat on a pretty decent PPG since I brought him in.

FWD: Jermaine gets to turn and burn young child Stephens and piece of shit Yoshida. Hoping for a double return in this one which would be lovely. Kane has a tough fixture but whatever. He’s going to be in the side for a while probably unless he gets hurt. Finally I’ve still got Zlatz in. After a couple of bad performances he is on a short leash with the blank coming up. Plan is to sell him for Rom after this Watford game but a good performance might let him live a little longer. TBD.

CAP: Sigmund. Again, as mentioned on the pod, I don’t love either Alexis or Zlatz. Still same concerns: Alexis possible on the wing, team in bad form, Hull are actual good and Zlatz has been in bad form, had poor performances, and United don’t usually roll over buses at home. Seems like this Leicester team has properly given up on Ranieri and Siggy and Swans have been playing some great stuff lately. They will feel hard done by to have a brain fart and not escape the Etihad with that point and I think they have the chance to roll over a team that will come and try to play football. Love capping against non-buses whenever possible. I feel covered enough owning Zlat and Alexis that it seems a good spot to pick a big differential captain. I’m sat down at 90k so don’t feel like I’ve got much to lose anyway…..Siggy go on you beautiful man. Bag me a fucking brace one time.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: My love Bobby Firmino :’(

IN: Roberto Snoddy 2 Hotty

It’s been a reeeeeaaaaaaallllllyyyy long time coming for Bobby to finally depart my team. It’s a scar that I’ll carry all season especially when he braces this week as is the usual case when I transfer somebody out but as a LFC supporter I can get around it and just be happy for the brace on that level - classic reverse jinx at work here. Snoddy has beyond incredible fixtures next 4/5 GWs and I think he’s nailing himself down to LW in the Payet role. I expect attacking returns at a somewhat regular rate or at the very least great 4th midfielder return on my money at just 5.7 which I can use to upgrade elsewhere. I’ve been royally fucked by Hammers this year so hopefully Bilic can see me extending my olive branch and tit me.

GK: Grant home Palace great shout for a cleany and some puntos.

DEF: The two usual suspects in Alonso and Baines with both fantastic fixtures. Let’s get more double digit HAULS I want all of them for my birthday weekend. Can we fuck? Let’s fuck. For my third spot I’m unenthusiastically rolling out Holes at Old Trafford. On paper a nightmare but really United aren’t much to fear for a defender. Who knows maybe Twatford sit deep and defend well and get me some surprise points? …Cue up a yellow card 4 goals allowed fuckfest ugh….

MID: A really rough debut for my massive flair punt of KDB last week but he goes again of course. At Bournemouth might be best attacking fixture in the league (Leicester giving’em a run for their money) so I’m hoping that he can come through for me and make me happy not sad again. Alexis nothing to be said. Snoddy makes his debut home to West Brom which is very tasty as WBA can’t keep shit clean this year and have been actually attacking. Would kill for a little debut ding dong from the SNOD. And lastly Alli goes against my club which is always… awkward… but honestly if he gets a red card and -500 points I’d still be happy. So he can fuck off and do whatever he’s gonna do. Go Liverpool.

FWD: Zlatz leads the way home Watty. I can’t get a read on Zlatz or Watford and I just don’t know. He’ll be so highly captained that I think I just want him to fuck off and blank like the big lumbering piece of shit that he is. Big Rom came in with 4 huge dongs last week but at Middlesbrough is brutal and I am pretty much expecting a classic total shit Everton performance and a blank. My ace in the hole is Ashley Barnes at Stamford Bridge!!… LOL…. If I get equal to or more then 10.5 points from all three forwards combined this week I’ll be pretty pleased. Could be rough.

CAP: “Fuck me once shame on me, fuck me again shame on me too…” I think George Bush said that… “Fuck me once and fuck it you’re at Bournemouth let’s fuck once again.” I said that. KDB my cap again even after last weeks shit ass fuck 2 pointer. COME ON KEVVVVVVV summon Prince Harry and just have a fucking festival for the love of all things ginger and Belg… ugh… let’s go!!!!!