‘Why you are getting so agitated? Nehru is dead for 60 years’

Dear Sir/Madam,

Whether you forgot your old friend Mr. J. Mathrubootham or no?

How are you? I am perfectly fine. Hope everything is ok in your esteemed office. I have enjoyed our family holiday in Kerala like anything. The last one month has passed by like private bus on Kerala highway. The speed there is unbelievable. First time when I got on a bus to go to Guruvayoor from Palakkad I got so afraid I immediately called Mrs. Mathrubootham on mobile and said, “Kamalam 100% this bus is going to fall into a canal or somersault into the mountain forest.” She said, “Oh my god please be careful, but if nothing happens, then please bring Caico tender mango pickle from supermarket. Not cut mango, only tender mango. Last time you bought cut mango and it is still in the fridge. Don’t forget.”

So I quietly sat in the bus and prayed to Guruvayoorappan for immediate accident and freedom from my useless family.

Sir/ Madam, what Mr. Modi is wasting crores of crores of rupees on bullet train and all? Let me give just one idea. Just one. You take 10 Kerala private bus, put it one long line, and then tell them to drive from Bombay to Ahmedabad. By the time made-in-Japan bullet train has even reached first station, Kerala buses would have already come back to Bombay after return journey, one hartal, plus lunch and tea break. Also, none of the passengers would have stolen items from inside the bus like they will do 100% on bullet train.

Sir/ Madam, I am telling you now itself. Within three days after bullet train inauguration, they will find that one full bogey and three Japanese fellows have been taken home by passengers.

Then Railway Minister will say: “I assure everybody that we will use world-class CCTV camera to find the people behind this heinous crime against the people of India through brand new Bullet-train Chor Ko Pakado Pradhan Mantri Yojna Abhiyaan Rozgaar Andolan.” Next day minister will clarify: “It is my misfortune to inform that CCTV cameras on bullet train are not functioning properly due to technical problems such as they have been replaced with empty tissue paper box.”

Overall, I enjoyed Kerala trip. There was only one problem. Mrs. Mathrubootham’s brother decided to join us on the trip. Ok, maybe I should clarify. For 90% of the time, Ravi is a nice fellow. Good sense of humour, nice general knowledge, nice personality. He is very good at Antakshari.

And then somebody will say something about politics. Not even something important. Just make some stupid joke. Suddenly this fellow will stop all his work and on the spot change into a different person.

Sir/ Madam, I don’t know if you have seen the TV serial but it is exactly like The Incredible Hulk except you can at least have a conversation with the Hulk and also he is not your wife’s brother.

If Ravi gets political means you can cancel all holiday plans, make one bucket of tea, and sit quietly in your Kochi hotel room for next four of five hours.

First of all, he will start screaming: HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT PETROL PRICES? WHO ARE YOU TO TALK ABOUT GDP GROWTH RATE? WHAT DID NEHRU DO FOR THE LAST 60 YEARS YOU TELL ME!

Calm down Ravi, I will say. No need to scream. Right now people in Srinagar are asking: What is that sound of economics questions in the atmosphere?

Why you are getting so agitated, Ravi? Nehru is dead for 60 years.

WHO IS GETTING AGITATED? He will ask. I AM NOT GETTING AGITATED WHATSOEVER, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FISCAL DEFICIT?

And like that the entire day will be wasted.

Sir/ Madam, why are people like this nowadays? Simply getting agitated like anything over political matters. So much agitation for what? Screaming is adding to GDP? Never.

Otherwise I enjoyed my holidays very much. Rest and all I will communicate next week.

Yours in exuberance,

J. Mathrubootham