WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Republican leaders warned the newly elected Iranian President Hassan Rouhani that they would frown on his shaking hands with President Obama at the United Nations today, saying that any embrace of Obama would signal that Iran was not serious about abandoning extremism.

“We welcome President Rouhani’s moderate rhetoric,” said Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken.). “But those words are rendered hollow if he is willing to shake the hand of a notorious extremist.”

“This is a man who has enslaved his people, saddling them with a health-care law not of their choosing,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex.). “The President of Iran should think twice before shaking hands with a man like that.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor sounded a warning of his own: “If the President of Iran wants to give the world the impression that he cares about human rights, he should be careful about cozying up to a despot who has continually tried to take away his people’s assault rifles.”

“We encourage Mr. Rouhani’s wish that Iran join the community of civilized nations,” added House Speaker John Boehner, “but first he must renounce Barack Obama.”

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