I wouldn't call myself someone who doesn't like weddings. However, when I was planning my wedding five years ago, a lot of things were very stressful that might not have had to be.

I guess I should start by saying that I wasn't the girl who had her wedding mentally planned out by the time she was ten. I knew how I wanted my *marriage* to be, but not the wedding. It was so incredibly frustrating that every single magazine I read or person I talked to seemed to think I should already *know* all this stuff. I should have already *thought* about what flowers I want in my bouquet, how long my veil would be, what color earrings my maids would be wearing, etc. I'll admit to having thought about these things over the years, especially when shopping for the prom or family weddings, but the smaller details weren't that important to me. I had no idea where to begin! I had a friend trying to help me plan things, but we had so many contrasting ideas that I ended up not using most of them. I'm sad to say that it's had an adverse effect on our friendship, because stressful events tend to bring out the worst in people. She did, however, give me some good advice that I am going to pass on to you.

-Know what is really important to you. The main difference between my friend and I was that she'd already done most of the 'big thinking' I had yet to do. To help me figure out where to start planning, she suggested that I come up with three things that are more important to me than anything else. This will help your focus considerably, especially when planning the budget. For me, it was having my friends and family involved, having a church wedding, and the dress. The first one cut down on a *lot* of time and money looking for places and caterers and all of that, because I have family and friends who do those things. My stepsister manages a high-end seafood restaurant and so handled the rehearsal dinner as her gift to us; the pastor is a family friend who refused any payment; A friend made a lot of the decorations and the cake. This helped make our wedding truly *ours*, because everything was unique and personal. It also freed up a lot of money to go toward other things, since we didn't have the 'markup'. I ended up getting a very good deal on my dress and the maids' dresses because I had made that such a high priority and put the most time toward that. Otherwise I might have had to rush and not had time to shop around and look for deals-something I am rather good at! The 'wedding rules' I heard demanded that I tell the bridesmaids how to wear their hair, but I didn't because I really could care less.

-Don't allow yourself to be bullied or bossed around. Remember, this is *your* day. It's not your mom's, your sister's, your great aunt Myrtle's, your boss' cousin's former roommate's, etc. It's *yours*. While you may not be able to have *everything* you want (which is where the first item comes into play), don't let other people make you feel bad because what you choose wouldn't be their choice. Be careful who you take advice from or what you listen to, because it is very common for a person to try to fix the mistakes from their *own* wedding through yours. I had all these 'rules' quoted at me, most of which made no sense or didn't apply to my situation. My colors were burgundy, green and gold, which are 'supposed' to be for evening weddings, but mine was at 5 pm. I was told by the 'planner' that I should tell my guests what to wear on the invitation, but I refused to on the grounds that a lot of my family and friends are the kind of people who don't have fancy suits or money lying around and having them there was more important than having them dressed up. The wedding was at a church, but 'church dress' in small-town, coastal North Carolina is completely different from 'church dress' in Manhattan. The reception was in a party room that was made to look like a '50s diner, but we served heavy appetizers rather than diner food. Yes, it ended up looking kind of random, but my husband and I are pretty random ourselves! It can be useful to learn from other peoples' experiences, but other people are not *you*. While the people who hold the purse strings have a lot of say, don't let the planning and details get completely away from you, because it's pretty hard to get them back.

-Be realistic. Murphy's Law of 'anything that can go wrong, will' seems to particularly apply to weddings. However well you plan, some ideas simply won't fit, so you might have to cut some things out. Leave room for last-minute changes, have 'backup plans' and spares, and leave plenty of time for everything! It is much better to get to the church or wherever and have two or three hours to kill after everything is done than to have to rush everything. This goes back to knowing what is really important to you; there are going to be some things that won't go right, however well you plan. Don't try to control every last detail, but focus on the larger things and leave some 'room' for everything else.

Remember, your wedding day should be about two things-the two of you getting married. No two weddings are alike, and they probably shouldn't be, since no two *couples* are alike. It's *your* day, so do with it what you want!