Conservative TV personality Glenn Beck had a funny way of defending his main squeeze [crscore]Ted Cruz[/crscore] on his program Monday morning. He burst out laughing and said, “I have to tell you, it’s been a hard Monday morning. We were all raped by Ted Cruz.”

Beck was referring to himself and his male colleagues.

He went on to talk about Cruz’s “Cuban fire.”

Realizing that starting out the show with a fake rape scene was probably in poor taste, he promised viewers they’d clean themselves up and try to do a show without “all the Latin lovin’.”

But first Beck needs a post-coital smoke. “I need a cigarette,” he cracked. “Talk about lovin’ and leaving ’em.”

He recalled the ways in which Cruz made him swoon.

“When he said to me, he said, ‘Glenn, we need a more perfect union,’ at first I thought he was talking to me about the Constitution, but then he looked at me with those strong brown eyes,” he said. “He backed me into a bathroom stall and, uh … [conversation trails off..]”

Beck eventually stopped the rape and anal sex jokes and grew serious. “Here’s the thing,” he said. “If somebody would have come out and said Ted had one affair and it happened six years ago, whatever, I would say, ‘I don’t think so, but … maybe? I mean, everyone makes a mistake. That’s a big one, blah blah blah.’ But I’m having this really hard time with five women that he’s backing into bathrooms and broom closets at campaign rallies.”

Co-host Stu Burguiere, head writer of “The Glenn Beck Program,” said there’s no way Cruz could even have an affair: “If Ted Cruz made it his life’s goal to have five affairs, he wouldn’t be capable of it. … Cruz, like, lucked out once with Heidi Cruz.”

“I don’t mean to hurt Ted’s feelings at all, but when I told my wife, I said, ‘Have you seen the Enquirer,’ she just laughed,” Beck agreed. “She’s been around him.”

“Just doesn’t seem like his game, right?” asked Stu.

Beck questioned Cruz’s mojo, saying, “We’re surprised he had enough game for Heidi.”

The host said he spoke to Cruz over the weekend and to others who know him “very, very, very, very, very” well.

In dead seriousness, Beck added, “I will drop him like a hot potato if these accusations [are] true.”