Michael Easther got engaged in a carpark outside an old dance hall when he was 37. He had only met his wife-to-be two or three times. He didn't even need that long.

"I hardly knew her, you see, but everything was right," he says. "We were like one person. We were very lucky, we got on very well together, indeed."

Easther, 88, sits in a retirement village on the outskirts of Hamilton, memories all around him.



He remembers things and jumps out of his seat with quick legs, to find proof of them.



His wife Shirley Maddock was among other things a writer; he produces some of her old books and looks chuffed to even see her name there on the page. Easther has everything with him but his wife who died 13 years ago after the couple enjoyed 34 years of marriage.



​READ MORE:

* Call to monitor elderly living alone

* Helping kids cope with grief

* 'Illness struck and our lives changed forever'



"It was heartbreaking. It was hard," he says. "I've got no advice on how you cope. It's your own fault for being happily married."



At the time of his wife's death, Easther was living in a large house on more than eight acres of land.



He decided he wanted to move only once more in his life, so he took his dog named Dog and shifted into a retirement village, and though he had a wide range of social networks thanks to his life as a husband, a father of three, a GP, a writer and an actor, Easther says happily that "the thing about a retirement village is that you make friends."



STAYING CONNECTED

REBEKAH PARSONS-KING/FAIRFAX NZ Michael Easther says that “the thing about a retirement village is that you make friends”.

Friends matter. Studies have shown that a life spent among friends is more important than losing weight, exercise or giving up smoking. The danger in people finding themselves alone later in life is the impact it can have on the frequency of their social interactions.



Waikato District Health Board and Auckland University gerontology professor Matthew Parsons says the loss of a partner can disrupt social networks that couples may have created together over long periods of time.



"If you have some sort of damage to your social network, then you have higher rates of isolation and loneliness; if you have higher rates of isolation and loneliness, you are more likely to experience low mood; low mood has a strong correlation with depression; and depression has a high correlation with morbidity and mortality."



Parsons says that generally speaking, men tend to have less complex social networks that are not as well developed and their tolerance of loneliness is higher, whereas women require more "extensive and established" social networks.



His advice: engage in friendships across a range of age groups, because, bluntly, "if you've got younger friends, they are less likely to die. And make sure you have lots of daughters, instead of sons," he says, somewhat light-heartedly. "A large study from the US said the more sons you have, the more likely you are to end up in residential care."



SOCIAL ISOLATION



There is an increasing amount of work being done to try and bolster social networks, not just by connecting older people with their wider families, but with neighbours, like-minded people and others in the community. Age Concern offers a combination of events to stimulate socialisation and the opportunity for older people to keep being informed.



Things like nutrition classes (popular among widowed men who don't know one end of the kitchen from the other), budgeting services (popular among widowed women who have never had to deal with finances), exercise classes (Zumba), and the current series of weekly lectures at the Hamilton branch called Don't wait till you're 80, matey.

"Social isolation is a huge problem," says Age Concern Hamilton CEO Gail Gilbert. "One thing we try and do is connect people." Gilbert says it is common for men in the nutrition group to meet up after the course, and the same goes for people in all of the other groups. Often, she says, it's making the first step and coming along that people find difficult. "It's not as scary as you think walking into a new place and not knowing anyone," she says.

"For those who have lost a loved one, once they get past the bereavement stage, a lot of people do find a zest for life. We are often amazed at how adventurous our older people are. Some say this is my time, and they go to do the big trip."



When Lynne Sweeney lost her partner Johno of 20 years, she cried every day for six months as she drove to work in the morning and home at night. Her three children to a previous marriage had grown up and left home and Sweeney says arriving to an empty house each night was the most difficult thing of all.

CHRIS MCKEEN Mandy Page from Tours Direct (L) organises trips abroad for single or bereaved people, with Liz Gracewood who has been on several of these trips. The two have since become friends.

She reconnected with one of Johno's friends and slowly formed a relationship with him. She describes it as a new beginning. "It pulled me out of a dark place."

Sweeney and her new partner Chris shared the same dream of living at the beach and a year after they got together, they moved to Whangapoua and set up for what they thought would be a long and happy retirement. They bought a boat. She learned to dive. When he went out every week to buy a Lotto ticket, she would look at him and say, "You're my Lotto," and she never meant anything more in her whole life. When Chris was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer in November of 2014, she was lost in every conceivable way.

The couple decided to book their dream holiday. They spent three weeks touring Turkey and the Greek Islands and eight days on a yacht.



Chris died six months ago and when Sweeney finds it difficult to sleep, she sits at the computer and trawls through the photos of that trip.



"I feel cheated," she says. "Some days I think what the hell happened to my life? There must be heaps of people out there who feel the same. I know I'm not on my own." Sweeney is only 62. Others she has found who are in her situation are often much older and are ready to settle down to live the rest of their lives quietly. She is not ready for that. "I don't like to imagine that for the rest of my days I will be sitting here just me and the cat." She doesn't regret moving to Whangapoua, but says that living in a small community can be isolating.



"I've got good neighbours and friends, but I am lonely most of the time." She also finds it difficult seeing families on holiday at the beach. It reminds her of what she has lost. Though Sweeney can't imagine negotiating another relationship at this stage, she hopes to be active for many years ahead and won't rule the idea out. Meantime, she knows the only thing she can do to alleviate the pain on her lowest days is to get up and out of the house. She has booked a trip to Europe in August and is "sort of excited, but nervous" about it.



"You've just got to do it," she says. "You've just got to go out there and mix with other people and do stuff."

supplied Janet Robertson is a clinical leader with WellElder, a Wellington-based counselling service for older people that has helped over 1000 clients in nine years.

COUNSELLING FOR OLDER PEOPLE

WellElder, a Wellington-based counselling service for older people funded by the Capital and Coast DHB, has been operating for nine years, and in that time, over 1000 clients have sought help through the organisation. Clinical leader Janet Robertson says that grief and loss, and relationship issues are consistently part of the five most common issues to be addressed in counselling at WellElder, along with depression, anxiety, and health concerns.

"When you lose your spouse, you not only lose them, but you lose a role," she says. "There's always an adjustment to be made."



Robertson says older people are often more adaptable to major change than people expect them to be, but "losing a partner through bereavement is a very significant event in any person's life, and in older age bereavement is often accompanied by other losses, such as loss of health and loss of other friends."



Robertson echoes Matthew Parsons when suggesting intergenerational friendships as a way to ensure a social network through older age. She highlights the importance of cultivating friendships and being part of a community before hitting retirement.

CHRIS MCKEEN Mandy Page from Tours Direct (L) helps Liz Gracewood to choose her next solo trip abroad.

A strong family network helps. Michael Easther says that looking at his three adult children reminds him of his wife and that in some ways he believes she lives on through them. That comforts him.

Liz Gracewood's husband Wallace died nearly seven years ago. There was a long lead-up to his death and Liz, 68, says she feels lucky that she and her family had time to spend with him and time to say goodbye. She says when Wallace found out he was sick, the pair created a bucket list, and travelled overseas for six months before signs of his illness really started to show.

"Our policy was that we would have one bag each and if the bed was flat, we would sleep on it."

KEY RELATIONSHIPS

She misses the companionship most of all. But with children and grandchildren, a part time job, and a wide social network, her life is a full one. She also travels alone and after joining a tour group, Tours Direct, when Wallace was alive (the couple took his final trip to China with the group), Liz became friends with Mandy Page, the company's director and now calls her "my travel companion of choice."

There has to be time spent grieving after a spouse has died. "And there has to be a conversation between the two of you that this has got to happen some time," says Liz, "and if it happens, well, you've been a bit prepared."

She describes, with a gentle laugh, feeling "pretty pissed off" when Wallace died and left her a widow in her early 60s.

"I shouted to him after he'd gone that if had done it 20 years earlier I would have been 40 and spunky, and if he had done it 20 years later I would have been 80 and over it. It wasn't fair. That's the way it is."

The key thing, she says, is to nurture relationships throughout life and the later years will not be spent alone. "You don't risk alienating the people you should be closest to. Cherish relationships the whole way through. It's a matter of how you live your life."

To make contact with WellElder, phone 04 380 2440, or visit wellelder.co.nz

To contact Age Concern phone 04 801 9338, or visit ageconcern.org.nz

Sign up to receive our new evening newsletter Two Minutes of Stuff - the news, but different.