Welcome back to Siesta Key: a beautiful island with hot weather, even hotter drama, and wildly loud AF kids who call America’s second-best beach home. That is, when they’re screaming at each other on yachts or inside their mansions. Basically, it’s paradise.

This week, Pauly Paul’s grandma showed up to set him on the straight and narrow, Alex and Juliette told Chloe that Cara’s a traitor, and Brandon started letting it be known that he’s going to win Madisson back one way or another (but definitely through casting her in his music video about their failed relationship). Meanwhile, Canvas had her heart broken, Kelsey’s cheating was revealed to her long-distance boyfriend, and Garrett got kicked out of Alex’s charity gala.

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Fact: there exists only one person who could make sense of what these kids were thinking. I called up Key megafan Spencer Pratt to get his thoughts on the most “turned up” charity gala he’d ever seen.

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On Pauly Paul’s grandma, whose theme song is “Money, Respect, Power”:

Beverley is the star of the show. Pauly should have to move in with her and they’ll do a spin-off called “Gettin’ It Right With Pauly Paul,” and that’s the only way he’ll commit to his dream of being a rap pianist and also staying out of jail for petty shit.

MTV via screenshot

She’s going to teach him how to be a good Christian boy and how not to drink. Maybe get him away from some of these mean kids up in the Key. I’m talking about the editors, who wouldn’t let him have his big music moment, and Juliette’s shady double-entendres. “Pauly’s been known to have performance issues?” What do you know that we don’t, Juliette? I love that grandma thought pot was the only thing Pauly was up to. Wait until they move in together.

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On Pauly Paul’s rap career:

I just want Pauly Paul to cut off his ponytail—I’ve been getting a lot of DMs about that—get sober, and start getting in shape. Maybe take up jogging again, but without a cigarette this time. That’s not good for you. Garrett probably has a few spots open in his online training classes. He’s always posting workouts on Insta.

I want Pauly to recognize that his money’s not in the rap game. He’s got to team up with Chloe, become real estate moguls together, and revitalize the nightlife around The Key. Then he can perform at his own club whenever he likes without having to worry about the dollar bills. I read that Alex’s dad did just buy a building. And they are turning it into a nightclub. Let’s hope it’s for Pauly Paul. We need a Plan B. Let’s call the club that.

I feel for Pauly Paul: Hell, I could have also blown away $500,000 in one year if my parents died. God forbid. I could have done that in one month. I know where he’s coming from — but it’s time to redo his image. Juliette was acting like he’s a career criminal in her narration. Pauly just gets a bad rep.

MTV via screenshot

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On Alex’s continued underwhelming treatment of Juliette, who happens to be (right now) the love of his life:

Why can’t he just give Juliette a compliment? It’s all about him. You see him walk up to her at the party? It wasn’t, “Juliette, you look so hot tonight, I don’t even know any other girls exist and especially not this Cara chick you keep worrying about.” It was “I always have the hottest date.” I know his dad’s an exec producer on the show, but dude, it’s not always all about you.

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On Juliette and Alex conspiring to tell Chloe about Cara’s “backstabbing” behavior:

I don’t even know if what Cara said was that bad and you’ve got Juliette over here acting like it’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said. Did you see her smile? She looked like she’d just won “Miss Universe.” Over what? Chloe being told that she’s “too much”?

Cara didn’t even say anything that slanderous. Chloe, you are too much. But that’s why people like you and your social-media stalking ass. They think you’re fun. Chloe was really reaching hard to beef with Cara.

MTV via screenshot

On Cara and Chloe’s confrontation:

Cara didn’t even deny it because she didn’t think she was telling anyone this big secret. I don’t get it. People on The Key have said much worse things about Chloe. Chloe’s said much worse things about other people. You could see in Cara’s eyes that she didn’t know if this was real. She really thought it was a prank because she didn’t even say anything all that bad.

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Roll back the tape: I want to go back to when Chloe told Juliette that if they only invited girls who Alex hadn’t banged to pool parties, no one would be there. Same principle here: If Chloe only had to hang out with people who haven’t talked a little shit about her and vice-versa, she’d be doing a lot of home-spa makeovers by herself on Saturday nights.

Heidi says Chloe’s angry because it’s an entitlement thing: This is Chloe’s show. She brings you into this world and she can take you out of it. Chloe thinks she’s The Godfather. Well, he had to watch his back, too.



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On Cara and Garrett’s relationship (which, yes, is still a thing):

Cara’s just using Garrett for storyline. She’s phoning this entire “I think Garrett’s jokes are funny” bit to cement her place in the group for season three. Classic Kelsey move. She really learned from the best.

I was really surprised that they kissed when he was giving her his little Skype fitness tips in his studio. Cara’s really committing to this storyline to see where it takes her. I definitely don’t think she’s into Garrett. She’s a show climber. And based on what Alex said—that she was messing around with guys who should have been “holding his jock” whatever that means; is he an athlete? I haven’t seen that—it seems like Alex really isn’t over her.

On whether Juliette should worry about Cara:

Heidi: Hell no. Cara’s been there, done that. I don’t think Cara wants to make Alex a part of her brand on TV. She just wants to be on this show.

MTV via screenshot

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Spencer: Juliette needs to worry about those randos at the Siesta Key bars trying to get a couple of seconds of airtime for their Snaps and Instas. She needs to worry about whoever Alex is going to be caught with in bed on the next episode. I can guarantee you that it isn’t Cara. She’s too smart for both Alex and Garrett.

On Alex’s party:

I bet they could have raised more money for autism if they’d rented one less camel and, like, two less giant snakes. Then maybe Garrett wouldn’t have had to die inside giving Alex’s dad his hard-earned $100 bill. Gary could have just written a check on his behalf. Just let Garrett keep his fitness money. Can we do that? He’s getting kicked out of this party anyway.

On Canvas:

The heavy stuff on these shows is like, "Oh my God. I was just sipping white wine, and now we're talking about molestation." It’s too heavy but I know that we need it. That scene with Canvas’ mom was hard to watch and I hope Canvas gets the resolution and closure that she needs. She’s clearly going through a lot.

MTV via screenshot

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I enjoyed the other part of her storyline this week: The part where she’s trying to turn a girl who was just kissing her to be on TV into a full-time girlfriend. That’s what I’m here for. That girl was so shocked that Canvas was bi for real. She thought they were just making out to make Award-Winning Content and here’s Canvas coming at her with real feelings.

I bet that girl was all, “Oh shit, my parents watch this show. I’d better get back to flirting with Ben.” I felt bad for Canvas. Because she’s actually a really nice person. And this other girl doesn’t seem terrible, either. They both handled this really well.

On Chloe going after Kelsey at Alex’s party:

They didn’t even need to rent snakes for this event, because the venom was flowing. That was a real cobra moment. She didn’t even give The Key’s top model a chance to breathe—just rocked up to her and her boyfriend to figure out if he knew that Kelsey was a cheater yet.

Maybe she thought Jacob already knew? But that’s still none of her business. Makes me think these two have IRL beef. Because, you know what? Whatever Kelsey’s doing with her out-of-town boyfriend, that’s her business. This isn’t some dude in your circle of friends who agreed to film. This is Kelsey’s real boyfriend. Let him find out about the cheating a year later on TV like the rest of us.



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On Kelsey and Jacob:

She really does seem to have feelings for this guy. I thought it was another Garrett situation, but damn, it feels like she really cares this time.

MTV via screenshot

On Brandon asking Madisson to be in his music video about their relationship:

I don’t know if Madisson is more excited to be in the music video because it’s Brandon or because she’s a working actress now and it’s a credit for her IMDB page. It was weird how he asked her to be in a video about the rise and fall of #bradisson in front of both of their significant others, though. Guess what, Brandon, Madisson’s bigger than you know. Drop an email to her agent for rates and availability and they’ll decide if it’s good for her career.

On Brandon telling Ben that there’d be no kissing in the video:

There better be. I can tell you one thing, player: I’m not watching this video for the music; I’m watching it for Bradisson. He’s definitely going to lean in for a kiss out of nowhere and it will turn into a whole thing.

On who should have been asked to leave the party:

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No one. Well, maybe Garrett. It was past his bedtime. You know he’s got to be up at 6 a.m. for those sit-ups.

On Kelsey’s conversation with Jacob about their relationship:

She kept asking him whether it was worth the flight to see her. I bet he’s doing some thinking about that now. I would definitely just Skype Kelsey or Facetime her if you’re on the go, man. He seems like a good dude, though.

Initially, I thought her spin like was like, maybe she really doesn't remember anything that happened that night with Jared. But when she starts explaining why Jared took his pants off on the beach, if I were Jacob, I’d be like “you know, this isn’t going to work out between you and me.”

MTV via screenshot

On Kelsey’s love-life:

She just needs to really go into I’m single and living my best life mode for a little bit.

On Kelsey and Chloe’s confrontation about Jared at the real estate office:

Kelsey really came in there thinking she was going to win and also humiliate Chloe by proving she’s not really in real estate and then using that momentum to “set the record straight” on Jared. And then she got spun.

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Did you see the look on Kelsey’s face when she realized that she gave Chloe information that the Inspector Gadget of Siesta hadn’t picked up on yet? Chloe didn’t know that Kelsey kissed Jared, but you’d better bet that the entire town knows now.

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Kelsey, if you’re going to deny, then you gotta deny, deny, deny until they roll the tape at the reunion. Otherwise you’re giving Chloe ammunition she didn’t even know existed. It made me a little disappointed in Chloe, though. I really thought she was the eye in the sky. She didn’t know about the kissing.

MTV via screenshot

On Chloe’s real estate job:

Her putting a “For Sale” sign in someone’s yard is this season’s most iconic moment. It’s her raking sand at the Tiki Bar 2.0. Put it on the greatest hits DVD.