MIAMI, FL — Cruising to Cuba has been on the wish list of tourists for many years now. Finally, their wish is coming true! Or is it? Carnival Cruise Lines was the first to receive permission to sail Americans to Cuba beginning May 1st, 2016. But before you plan your cruise make sure you check the fine print carefully. The Leek has decided to help you plan your cruise by sharing with you ten extremely important tips.

1. Don’t be Cuban.

Unfortunately, if you are Cuban-born you won’t be able to cruise to Cuba. Carnival Cruise Lines is not allowed to transport Cuban-born Americans to the island under Cuba’s stringent, yet strange, rules. According to Leek sources, Carnival is working hard with the Cuban government to reconsider this rule.

2. Leave your reusable Starbucks cup at home. No Starbucks in Cuba.

If you are one of the 51 million customers Starbucks services weekly, you will be as upset as we are that not a single Starbucks establishment is located in Cuba. The only advantage is that you won’t need to pack your Starbucks reusable cup for your voyage. Another downside to this situation is that you are likely to become addicted to Café Cubano, also known as Cuban coffee, Cuban espresso, cafecito, Cuban pull, and Cuban shot. This very petite but extremely potent coffee will have you hooked like cocaine. You will be obsessed after the first sip and likely fall into withdrawals on your return voyage. No need to worry though, once you dock in Miami the nearest cafecito is only a few minutes away.

Cafecito (aka Cuban Cocaine Coffee)

3. Be rich.

So you can’t be Cuban-born and now you will need LOTS of money. The cheapest cabin available on Cuba-bound cruise ships will cost you about $1,200 a person, and that’s for an inside cabin, no balconies for the poor. This is ridiculous compared to the $99 a person that cruises you to the Bahamas. For the extremely elite you will be able to sail to Cuba on the 64-passenger yacht, Le Ponant. This French luxury yacht was the second cruise line to get permission to sail to Cuba. All you need to set sail in early 2017 is a measly $5,470 per person (except you can’t be Cuban-born, remember?).

Le Ponant, French Luxury Yacht Approved to Sail to Cuba

4. Make sure you register for a cultural, educational, or humanitarian exchange cruise group.

So you though if you weren’t born in Cuba and you had enough money you were set, right? Wrong. You also need to be part of special class of travel approved by the Cuban government. People-to-people, educational exchange is your best bet and your local travel agent can help you arrange your newfound extracurricular activity. The people-to-people groups ensure that you are on a set schedule for educational exchange in Cuba. This along with your new addiction to cafecito will have you fully immersed in the Cuban culture.

People-to-People Educational Exchange

5. Cool your body temperature before getting off of the ship in Cuba.

Now that you have booked your cruise and are getting ready to sail, you may want to learn how to cool your body temperature, at will, for a pop-quiz thermometer testing once you step off the ship in Cuba. Cuban customs officials will scan everyone’s forehead with a thermometer. After spending all your savings and making sure you weren’t born in Cuba, you don’t want to be quarantined on the ship because of a low-grade fever and miss out on all the Cuba fun (and the cafecito, of course!). The Leek recommends you use the Pranayam yoga method to cool your body. Watch the 6-minute video below for a step-by-step guide to cooling your body temperature and don’t miss out on your monumental Cuba vacay.

6. Save the burden of carrying your cell phone and laptops, you can’t use them anyway.

Internet and cell phone availability on the cruise ship is spotty as is. However, it is even worse once you dock in Cuba. There are limited number of connections, low bandwidth, and high cost. If you absolutely need to DM (Direct Message) your best friend or update your blog while sipping cafecito, you will have to pay big bucks; which is fine since you are rich (as Leek tip #3 indicated). Just remember that the Cuban government heavily sensors your Internet activity, so don’t say anything anti-Cuba if you don’t want to spend the night in jail and miss your return voyage. If you can manage a few hours without Internet, and not go into withdrawals, we recommend you just enjoy the island for what it is.

Cubans on their laptops outside crowded internet cafe in Havana

7. Bring a large wallet with lots of Cuban currency and no credit card slots.

Do you plan on spending lots of money in Cuba? Of course you do, you’re rich. Unfortunately, no card that has been issued by a bank with any connection to the United States will be accepted in Cuba. Don’t even bother bringing your credit/debit cards with you. Additionally, do not take travellers cheques because, not only will you pay a commission when exchanging them, but if you lose them you cannot get them replaced in Cuba; you will have to wait until you return home. Also, don’t bother taking US dollars, as there is still a 10% surcharge on exchanging them. Due to US-Cuba relations, this is the only currency in the world treated this way. Since your stay in Cuba will be short due to your ship leaving port late afternoon, you should probably stick to spending most of your money for alcohol and slots on board the ship.

Tourists wait in line to exchange their currency at a cadeca in Little Havana

8. Wear your earphones if you don’t want to be asked a million questions by the locals about America, or their cousin in New York.

It is highly unlikely that you will make it less than a mile without a local asking you a question about America. If you happen to sit down for a cafecito with them, they’ll likely ask you a question or two about their cousin in New York or their uncle in Miami. If you’d like to continue your anti-social antics in Cuba, we suggest you wear your earphones while you listen to RiRi’s “Work” and walk really fast to avoid any discussions.

Wear your earphones to ignore the locals

9. Be careful what you bring back with you.

Yes, yes, we know. You can now bring back Cuban cigars with you. But there is a limit, so don’t get carried away. Too often many tourists attempt to bring back cases and cases of Cuban cigars for their friends, neighbors, and their bosses. Same goes for you rum-lovers. The Leek is here to inform you of your Cuban limits. You are limited to $400 for souvenirs of which only $100 can be alcohol and tobacco. Additionally, most cruise lines don’t allow consumption of alcohol purchased in ports of call onboard their ships. They will take it from you, wrap it up and put it in storage until you disembark. Why do they do this? So you are forced to purchase their $15 mojitos onboard, of course. But, no problem, you’re rich, remember?!

10. Don’t buy the sacrificial goat. You can’t bring it back to America with you.

Last, but certainly not least, if you insist on attending a Santeria ceremony with the locals, do not buy the sacrificial goat. There is no way you will be able to get that goat back on the ship, let alone through U.S. Customs and Border Protection. If somehow the babalao — a Santeria priest — convinces you to purchase the sacrificial chicken, and you manage to sneak it on board, don’t be confused when you return to the U.S. and Customs and Border Protection officers in Miami are not at all shocked by your bloody chicken. Be prepared for the rest of the passengers in the secondary inspection area to freak out, though. Miami Customs officials are not the least bit intrigued to see Cuban Santeria ceremonial items. They are accustomed to seizing all sorts of creepy items from passengers such as fetuses, bloody birds, and blood-soaked clothing. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. The Leek recommends you avoid buying the goat because, not only will it be a hassle, but it is extremely expensive. Then again, you’re rich, remember?!

Sacrificing a goat and a chicken during a Santeria ceremony by the sea in Cuba

As long as you follow the rules, your travel to Cuba by cruise should be amazing! To read all 27 pages of the “fine print” provided by Treasury.gov, click here.

*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*

Posted by Pivotal Planning Team

— www.theleeksatire.com

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