I don't have a penis, but if I did, I would want it to be big. Size definitely does matter, and all men know this fact. This is why jelqing has always existed and will always exist. It has come to refer to all manner of enlargement techniques, but originally and most commonly, jelqing is manually tugging on the penis in a semi-hard state, which frankly just sounds lousy masturbation. At a certain age--in the same way many girls will squat over a mirror to discover their own mysterious Netherlands--every boy will cross swords with a ruler and measure their manliness. If you've fallen short of your full six inches, or are just genitally greedy, jelqing is your only option--unless you'd like a surgeon to cut out the portion of your penis safely tucked inside your body. No? OK, so this is what the average jelqing routine consists of, which hasn't varied much throughout history, aside from the contemporary "Get Fit" jargon. Penile "workouts" are based around a daily jelq session of around 20-30 minutes. Start with a penis warm-up involving the application of a hot towel or simply submerging your member in the bath. This increases the blood flow to the shaft, preparing it for the vigorous exercise ahead in the same way as stretching your leg muscles to prep for a jog. Lubricant should be used, as should an "OK" handgrip to encircle the base of the penis, which is then milked, moving towards the head and forcing blood toward the end of the penis. Sounds suspiciously like jerking off, I know. For penile safety, jelqing should be performed at 45 percent to 75 percent erection. "Advanced" jelqing happens at 95 percent, but never at full erection. Jelqing should stop if you become too erect or might ejaculate. After around 100 to 200 jelqs, warm-down again with a bath. Enthusiasts say you can see results after just several months. Jelqing is thought to have originated in early Arabic civilization where fathers would prepare their young sons for sexual relationships by teaching them this cock massage. Sometimes kids performed it on younger siblings. However, some people, cynical bastards, say jelqing is a recent invention, a practical joke which has developed a life of its own. Fuck those people. (Obviously.) Another technique in penis stretching involves hanging weights on the end. This causes the cells in the penis to split and then reform at the expanded size. Anthropologist Margaret Mead reported that Polynesian men in the early 19th century stretched their dinks using a woven plant-fiber sleeve similar to a Chinese finger trap. The dick was inserted into one end and a rock or other heavy object was hung from the other. The Sadhus--the skinny, scary holy men of India--and males of the Cholomec tribe in Peru also used weights to increase their length, at times stretching their dicks into 16-inches flaccid frontal tails. Naturally, you can't get a hard-on once you've done that. Manual jelqing isn't the only form of enlargement, however. The injection of substances into genital skin to cause penile enlargement is a common phenomenon in many cultures. In the 16th century, men of the Topinama tribe of Brazil allowed poisonous snakes to bite their penises in order to enlarge them (how they coaxed the snake to be so precise is a mystery). The Dayak tribe in Borneo--in an effort to emulate the endowment of the Sumatran rhino--used to surgically insert a palang (a metal rod or bone) horizontally through the dick, as well as beads inside the skin. With the dawn of the industrial age, jelqing went mechanical. The earliest patent dates back to 1911. Unsurprisingly, these metal and leather dick-screw machines proved extremely unpopular as they were cold and uncomfortable to use. In 1959, Freddie W. Sell invented and patented the first manual penis pump called The Erector. I'm still skeptical, but in recent years, studies have shown that penis-stretching devices are actually effective. In 2008, a study published in the British Journal of Urology concluded that after six months using a penile extender for four hours a day, the 15 men involved gained an increase of 2.3cm when flaccid and 1.7cm when erect. For the last two decades, surgeons have been chopping up man bits in the name of bestowing mighty girth. Lengthening surgery involves cutting the ligaments that hold the penis to the pubic bone and pushing forward a portion of the cock that normally sits inside the body. Thickening usually involves a liposuction technique--injecting fat into the penis from another part of the body. However, the vast majority of patients are disappointed, left impotent or, worst of all, dead. In 1994, a Miami aesthetic surgeon, Dr Ricardo Samitier Jr. (aka Dr. Lips), was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to five years in prison for the death of his patient Claudio Martell, who bled to death while undergoing penis-enlargement surgery to surprise his wife. He should have stuck to jelqing.