Trump’s Ukraine Phone Call 'Too Perfect,' 'May Have Used Phone Call-Enhancing Drugs'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Central to the impeachment trial of President Trump is his phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. Trump has described it as a “perfect phone call,” and most agree, considering it one of the best phone calls anyone has ever heard. In fact, the estate of Alexander Graham Bell has given the phone call an award in “phone call excellence” and called it “one of the best uses of the device in the history of mankind.”

But now there are allegations that the phone call was “too perfect.”

“We believe President Trump may have used phone call-enhancing drugs,” said Representative Adam Schiff. “No one is that good on a phone without chemical help.”

Bolstering this charge, Trump was seen consulting with Lance Armstrong before his Ukraine phone call. If the allegations are true, this would not only add to Trump’s impeachment trial but could also have him tried before the Hague for securing an unfair advantage in diplomacy with his inhumanly good phone calling.

Trump, though, has dismissed these charges. “I’m just really good with a phone,” Trump told the press, “and all the losers and the haters can’t stand it.” Trump then vowed to put his great phone calling to use in 2020 by heading up a phone bank, which he said was sure to lead to his winning by “at least a 60 percentage point landslide.”

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