There’s no reason for featuring this image other than it happened this week, and Maduro looked hilarious in the basketball team’s T.

A slow week? No such thing

The week started slow, but quickly picked up on drama. On Monday most of us were still numb from last week, and most expected a small break from dramatic telenovela life altering events.

During the weekend, the word — according to El Cafetal’s finest — was that the government brokered a sweet deal with judge Susana Barreiros where she would give Leopoldo López the unjust and harsh sentence he received, in exchange for the Venezuelan Consulate in Chile as well as a bulky Dollar salary. Before anyone could call bullshit on the story, some Chilean congressfolk bought it and wrote a letter repudiating any such appointment. There was no story there.

But wait. The Venezuelan and Chilean foreign ministries did have an epistolary exchange, as Delcy Rodríguez, Venezuelan FM, dissed on a press release were the Chilean government criticized the fuzzy way the López trial was carried out. Delcy’s answer was swift and elegant (nor really). She said Venezuela was not prone to issuing opinions on other countries’ internal matters, therefore, Chile should not be meddling in Venezuelan internal matters:

For example, it would be unthinkable for the national authorities to issue an opinion on the judicial treatment and the complaints on the systematic violation of human rights of the mapuche people; or about the impunity of the authors of the crimes committed during the Pinochet dictatorship. Also, it would be unthinkable to issue judgement over the privatization of education in Chile, which violates the human rights of those majorities with no access to education; or issue statements about the enforcement -during the 21st Century- of a Constitution put in place by the Pinochet Dictatorship. Venezuela has not issued, nor will it do so in the future, any opinions over these critical matters that affect day to day life in Chile.

Yes, the Venezuelan Foreign Minister is Eric Cartman.

A diplomatic crisis (or two) is just a lazy Monday for Venezuela.

No biggie.

The thing is, when these guys take a couple of days off, probably something is brewing. And brewing something was.

Red Crescent (H/T @juannagel)

On Tuesday we rose up to the hilarious news of the beheading of a Chávez bust in the traditionally chavista — and hometown of the murderous El Picure gang — state of Guárico. By nightfall every bit of that charming little story was forgotten. That night, during Maduro’s TV show, after giving a brain-melting Twitter crash course, he announced that the state of exception would be extended to other border towns, this time including the state of Apure.

Municipalities under state of exception.

Runrunes made this graphic to show which municipalities are under state of exception:

– Táchira has a total 29 municipalities, 10 are under state of exception.

– Zulia has a total 21 municipalities, 10 are under state of exception.

– Apure has a total 7 municipalities, 3 are under state of exception.

As expected, the Venezuelan opposition is torn between considering that this is a smoke screen to take attention from the elections, and that this is a ruse to ruin the elections (which according to every single poll the opposition has an edge at). It’s hard to tell the difference between both positions, but I guess it’s as hard to tell between those who prefer Pepsi or Coke or; Leopoldo or Capriles.

As the crisis worsens, and the elections get closer, it seems more and more like the government has found a way to steer the odds their way. Maybe it’s not enough to carry out a general suspension of the elections, but the state of exception does seem like a gateway to carry out a partial suspension on those circumscriptions under emergency, or perhaps at least to hold the vote under closer military scrutiny. And if you’ve voted in Venezuela, you know that this does have an effect over people. La gente se caga.

A rice bust near the border with Colombia in Zulia.

The burden of Marco Aurelio

Just as Maduro spoiled the Chávez beheading story, Marco Coello spoiled Maduro’s announcement by giving an interview to Fernando del Rincón on CNN at the same time.

Coello was one of four students illegally held in prison and subject to a circus trial along with opposition leader Leopoldo López. The day before the final hearing Coello left Venezuela for the US with his father. He told the story to the Mexican journalist: they went to the airport, bought tickets, got in line, and sat on their seats. Just like anybody else.

The 20 year old (who filed for political asylum and may not be able to return to his country for a while ) gave a detailed account of the torture he was subject to during the time he was in prison: government goons tried to get a confession out of him at gunpoint — so he would incriminate López. He also was wrapped in a prison mattress and beat repeatedly with a baseball bat. He was isolated from the outside world, didn’t know if it was night or day, and for a while, the only visits allowed were those from public advocates (who told him that if he used a private lawyer e would never get out).

The Venezuelan Ombudsman, Tarek William Saab, didn’t hesitate to dub him a dangerous criminal and a fugitive of Venezuelan justice. After failing to protect young Coello during his incarceration, it doesn’t surprise that Tarek does not know that the Ombudsman is not a spokesman for the government.

And he seems to have stepped up to the plate, and gallantly assumed his role as witness — before the world — to the human rights violations that have been taking place in Venezuela since February 2014.

Coello’s final message was a tearjerker, he said to be worried of what the government could do to his mother in Venezuela, and sent her a message: “Mom, you are my warrior. I promise to fight for you. I will never leave you alone."

He seemed to understand his role as a survivor and witness of human rights violations in Venezuela. Let’s hope he has the stoicism to see it through until the end.

The Venezuelan Imbecile Crisis

There’s something that happens every time another country has a complaint about Venezuela: they will receive a blown up version of that exact same complaint from the Venezuelan government. After the Colombian Air Force informed of two consecutive incursions by Venezuelan fighter planes last Sunday, the Venezuelan Air informed that one of their Sukhoi-30s crashed while in pursuit of an aircraft that had entered the country through the north western Venezuela/Colombia border, and was heading south to return to Colombia.

According to the (Ven) Air Force, the fighter plane crashed in an “area controlled by narcoparamilitary mafias that have been using Venezuela as a hub to distribute drugs to the world.”

Venezuela isn’t pointing any fingers here, but they have more than implied that this may be the doing of the narcoparamilitary mafias that have also been accused of pulling the strings of Colombian foreign policy. It would be easy to assume that this is just part of an evil chavista plot to worsen a diplomatic and humanitarian crisis with a neighboring country, which is actually a plot to control an upcoming election process. Well, not this time (although it may end as a part of it).

The plot thickens and reeks. As it turns out the airmen who died in the crash had been key expert witnesses — earlier this year — to the defense of 8 Air Force officials accused and imprisoned for allegedly plotting an 80s style military revolt. The testimony of the deceased pilots was thrown by the judge. Most likely because it proved beyond a reasonable doubt that it was imposible to carry out the plan — dubbed by the government “Golpe Azul” — that the defendants were accused of executing. Efecto Cocuyo interviewed the lawyers in charge of the defense (H/T @Naky).

The Minister of Defense said it was imposible that the aircraft malfunctioned, although, later on, he tweeted (YES, the Venezuelan Minister of Defense communicates via Twitter) that they just recovered the black box “which will help with the investigation.”

But then again, this might fall right back into the old Uribe paramilitary conspiracy theory plot. After all, the whole humanitarian crisis was started by a shady shameful event where four people in a military vehicle were shot by a single malandro.

‘Till next week…

As we talk about the news that matter, and those that don’t, Venezuela holds the first place (which is actually last place in the list) as country with the least economic liberties for the second year in a row. The Undisputed Loser of the World.