Asylum seekers were devastated to learn today in an article in The Independent that Ivanka Trump, daughter of the megalomaniac and golf enthusiast Donald Trump, has been so busy with work that she hasn’t been able to find time for her daily massages.

“My God! How is she managing to get through the day without a massage and twenty minutes to meditate or contemplate on a scented candle.” Double amputee Liliane Almasi, 7, told us from a makeshift bed in a cave in the rubble that used to be the block of flats she lived in with her now deceased parents.

“I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t spend an hour or twelve meditating in the dark on the meaning of life. I guess I’m lucky, ever since I was shelled foraging for tinned food in the rubble I’ve really been able to slow down and take a bit of me time.”

“I’m glad I can put my name to this campaign. After all Ivanka Trump has done so much for us.”

The news that maimed, destitute and desperate children seeking refuge from war have taken the time to raise money to send Ivanka for a hot stone massage has apparently been met warmly by the struggling working mother.

“These children are survivors. Just like me.” An imaginary Ivanka told The Rochdale Herald.

“Since my father ran for the presidency it’s been work, work, work. I’ve barely found the time to do some pilates let alone to have a massage. It’s good to know that there are other people out there who know, just like me, what it’s like to just be surviving.”

The campaign has raised almost $14,000 to date.