More Misandrist Lullabies

Part One here.

The itsy-bitsy spider

Climbed up the water spout

Down came the rain

And washed the spider out

Out came the sun

And dried up all the rain

And the itsy-bitsy spider

Climbed up the spout again

There he was culled

by his larger

and more genetically fit female mate

She harvested his nutrients to feed herself

and she was right to do it.

Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,

Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

Good.

Ring-a-round the rosie,

A pocket full of posies,

Ashes! Ashes!

Heterosexual relationships are inherently coercive.

Simon Says

Nothing.

The farmer in the dell

The farmer in the dell

Heigh-ho, the derry-o

The farmer in the dell

The farmer may not leave the dell

The dell is a restricted males-only area

Males may not leave the dell

without a Travel Pass

and a Menstruating Companion

Heigh-ho, the derry-o

The farmer in the dell

Day is done,

Gone the son,

From the lake, from the hills, from the sky.

All is well, safely rest,

Girls are nigh.

This little piggy went to market,

This little piggy stayed home,

This little piggy had roast beef,

This little piggy had none,

And this little piggy cried The nuclear family must be destroyed

all the way home.

London Bridge is falling down,

Falling down, falling down.

London Bridge is falling down,

My fair lady.

Build it up with wood and clay,

Wood and clay, wood and clay,

Build it up with wood and clay,

My fair lady.

Wood and clay will wash away,

Wash away, wash away,

Wood and clay will wash away,

My fair lady.

Build it up with bricks and mortar,

Bricks and mortar, bricks and mortar,

Build it up with bricks and mortar,

My fair lady.

Bricks and mortar will not stay,

Will not stay, will not stay,

Bricks and mortar will not stay,

My fair lady.

Build it up with iron and steel,

Iron and steel, iron and steel,

Build it up with iron and steel,

My fair lady.

Iron and steel will bend and bow,

Bend and bow, bend and bow,

Iron and steel will bend and bow,

My fair lady.

Build it up with silver and gold,

Silver and gold, silver and gold,

Build it up with silver and gold,

My fair lady.

Silver and gold will be stolen away,

Stolen away, stolen away,

Silver and gold will be stolen away,

My fair lady.

You have failed me for the last time;

The bridge will be built on your back

and the bones of your brothers.

Did you know the muffin man,

The muffin man, the muffin man,

Did you know the muffin man,

Who lived in Drury Lane?

All his properties and possessions are yours now,

You are the muffin woman,

You live on Drury Lane.

Down by the bay (down by the bay)

Where the watermelons grow (where the watermelons grow)

Back to my home (back to my home)

I dare not go (I dare not go)

For if I do (for if I do)

My mother will say (my mother will say)

feminism is the theory

lesbianism is the practice

Mary had a little man, little man, little man

Mary had a little man

whose leash was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went

Everywhere that Mary went

the man was sure to go.

He followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day

He followed her to school one day

which was against the rules.

It made the women laugh and play, laugh and play, laugh and play

It made the women laugh and play

to see a man at school.

And so the teacher turned him out, turned him out, turned him out

So the teacher turned him out

but still he lingered near,

And waited patiently about, ‘ly about, ‘ly about

Waited patiently about

’till Mary did appear.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake — You there! Man!

Bake me a cake as fast as you can;

Roll it, pat it and mark it with B,

Put it in the oven and feed it to me.

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.

He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.

His money could not save him; he was killed with the others.

Simple Simon met a pieman,

Going to the fair;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

Let me taste your ware.

Simon was arrested for traveling alone,

The pieman was a Woman in disguise.

Men are not permitted in fairs.

It is forbidden for a man to eat pie.