PHOTOGRAPH BY SCOTT OLSON/GETTY

CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—After being told that he did not poll well enough to participate in Thursday’s nationally televised Republican Presidential debate, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told reporters that it was “no big deal, seriously,” because “I didn’t want to be in that lame debate anyway.”

“I mean, at first it sounded like the debate might be cool, but, you know, the more I looked at it, it seemed like it was going to be pretty lame,” Jindal said. “I mean, look at some of the people who got chosen to do it—like Ted Cruz. I mean, seriously, Ted freaking Cruz? That’s going to be a lame debate.”

Jindal said that, instead of participating in the debate, he was going to host a party for the other Republican candidates who were not chosen for it.

“I just sent out the Evite, and it’s looking good,” Jindal said. “Carly Fiorina, in. Rick Perry, in. That dude who used to be the governor of New York, in. I seriously just sent out the Evite, and all these awesome people are yeses.”

“We’re going to have loads of snacks, and, yes, adult beverages will be served,” Jindal said of the festivities. “It’s going to be a righteous party, and way better than being at some lame debate.”