Insufferable elitist cunt Gwyneth Paltrow has a new interview with Elle Decor magazine and they asked her to list a few things that “she can’t live without”. And since she was born to privilege and deserves to surround herself with nothing but the finest in life, she of course lept at the chance to do some more thinly veiled bragging.

1. DeGournay hand painted wallpaper – “I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.”

Seriously, the first fucking thing on the list of things she can’t live without is hand painted wallpaper. Tom Hanks or Sandra Bullock would have said, “my wedding photo” or “a drawing from my son”. Gwyneth Paltrow says, “hand painted wallpaper.” It’s hard to find prices for most of her stuff but this apparently starts at $650 per panel and the average cost is thought to be $12,000 per room. And we both know she didn’t get anything average. Who the fuck even knew they made hand painted wallpaper? It’s like there’s some secret world out there filled with secret stores. What do people like this do for things like toilet paper? Is there a snooty version of that too? Does someone make a daily chinchilla fur for each of her bathrooms and cut it into squares? Christ I’m scared to even look into it.

2. Seasonal flowers – “I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.”

God this is so revealing. She wants the very best but doesn’t want it to look like any effort was involved. Expensive things are just lying around. “It’s just money and there’s plenty of that so who cares.” We’re on number 2 and this is already the least relatable list anyone has ever made about anything.

3. Darren Almond’s photography – “His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

Christies has sold a few of his pictures, ranging from $3,515 to $16,250. Because it’s not like anyone can just go take a fucking picture. And what is she supposed to do, hang pictures of her kids, like some pedophile?

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns – “I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.”

Her son is gonna be so gay.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub – “It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

So yes, it’s not even her main bathtub. I couldn’t find a price for hers, but this one (number 7) from the same company cost $17,300 (update – a quote from the Lupi showroom in Miami, one of only 2 in the US, says the tub cost $9,731). Why, do you just have a tub from Home Depot? And do you fill it with tap water as if you were washing a pig or do you have a crystal reservoir filled with Evian? Oh. Oh I see. How quaint.

6. Religion bookshelf – “Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

Oohh, a shelf that holds things at the same level! How regal! My shelves are all at a 45 degree angle because I wasn’t sophisticated enough to buy one that was flat. (please go look at this bookshelf, by the way. She says “which is how I like to think about religion” as if she has some new take on what the artist was trying to say, when it reality, that’s the entire fucking point of the piece. Her keen observation comes because she understood the very obvious message, yet she’s practically taking credit for the whole thing).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics – “These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

So she’ll read, but only in the most pretentious way possible. And I love how she tacks on the part about sore muscles, as if she was on an assembly line all day.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset – “A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

Naturally, hers is bright red. “Look at me commoners, here I am! Now is your chance to bask in my glow! You’re welcome!”