The two year wait is over. Game Of Thrones returns to our televisions tonight. What better way to celebrate premiere day than with a long blog comparing Barstool employees to Game Of Thrones characters? This has been done before by Clem, but it was five years ago. Things have changed in Westeros, and things have definitely changed at Barstool with a million new employees.

So it’s time for an update. This originally stemmed from a conversation between Hank and Gaz about a month ago, and I’ve been tasked with putting pen to paper and writing it. So credit to Hank, Gaz, and others for helping me come up with some of these comparisons. It was obviously tough to find a parallel for everyone so some had to be stretched. So to my fellow Barstool employees, if you’re offended that you were left out/don’t like your choice …. well get over it. This wasn’t easy to do, and it’s nothing personal. I don’t want to hear it.

And away we go.

Dave Portnoy As…

The Night King

You can run. You can hide. You can try to prepare for them. But if you’re an enemy, they’re coming for you. Dave is the most notorious grudge holder on the Internet. The Night King has been holding an all-time grudge against civilization since the days of The First Men. Legends are told about what happens when they come for you. “The boogeyman is coming. The Night King is coming. Dave Portnoy is coming.” Ruthless, calculating, and effective, these are two men you do not want to cross.

Go Pres Go Stoolies As…

The Army Of The Dead

All great leaders are backed by a strong army. Both Dave and The Night King have an ardent, cult-like following that will follow them into battle. If you cross Dave, you deal with the wrath of Stoolies everywhere. If you cross The Night King, you deal with thousands of dead corpses. Hard to say what’s a more intimidating prospect.

Also, all strong leaders need a reliable, majestic creature to ride in on.

Big Cat As…

Jon Snow

I wouldn’t say they are exactly identical from a physical standpoint, but there are parallels to be drawn. They are two men who just want to do the right thing. Jon Snow doesn’t want to get involved with the petty wars between kingdoms and royal families. Big Cat usually doesn’t like getting in the mud when we’re at war with Deadspin/others. Also, some critics call Big Cat “Middle Man Dan.” I would never call him this. But those that do would point out how Jon Snow also often finds himself in the middle of feuds (Night’s Watch vs. Wildlings, Khaleesi vs. Cersei, etc.).

PFT Commenter As…

The Faceless Men (Jaqen H’ghar)

Hiding behind those long, luscious locks of hair, we don’t know either’s true identity. What do they really look like? Where’d they come from? The world may never know.

The Barstool Comment Section As…

The Wildlings

Formerly, a group of uncivilized savages. They did not conform to the rules of society. While the Wildlings refused to kneel to their leaders, the old comment section dropped n-bombs. However, things would eventually change for both groups. The Wildlings went south of the wall and helped Jon Snow. They joined civilization. The comment section, meanwhile, became exclusive to Barstool Gold members and has been greatly improved. Gone are the days of competing to see who hates women the most, as there’s now more legitimate feedback.

Smitty As…

Ned Stark

Two men that pride themselves on honor and integrity but also exhibit blockhead tendencies. Their insistence on being honorable ultimately leads to their downfalls. Ned was taken out by the Lannisters as they ordered his beheading. And how could we forget when Smitty was the victim of a vicious, highly coordinated attack by Dave to take him out with a paintball gun.

Riggs As…

Orell The Warg (When Warging)

No particular reason.

Call Her Daddy As…

The Sand Snakes

Just a very intimidating group of girls. You don’t want to be on their bad side. One second you think they’re flirting with you, and the next thing you know your dicks are chopped off. Have to wonder if the Sand Snakes have their own version of the Gluck Gluck 9000.

Gaz As…

Littlefinger

I can’t take credit for this being an original comparison, as it’s been said by every Barstool employee/Stoolie for years. Two pot stirrers who embrace chaos and thrive in it. Would not be shocked if Gaz has been going around saying “Chaos is a ladder” long before Thrones even premiered. However, Gaz/Littlefinger will sometimes find themselves caught in the middle of a stirring pot. Neither particularly cares for that. Gaz is the one who gave me the idea to write this blog, maybe just because he knows it might make some people mad. The pot is always stirring.

To paraphrase Tyrion Lannister, “Is there an idiot in any village who trusts Littlefinger Gaz?”

Marty Mush As…

Hodor

If you combined their IQs, I still don’t think it’d register as “Average” on the scale. Hodor says only one word: “Hodor.” Mush says a few more, but like Hodor, they are barely coherent and don’t form full sentences. We learned that Bran traveling back in time is the reason for Hodor’s stupidity. As for Marty? Well who knows.

Jared Carrabis As…

Grey Worm

With the Section 10 Army As….

The Unsullied

Please disregard that I’m a Yankee fan. Totally not biased that I’m making the Red Sox blogger the dickless leader of dickless men. Pure coincidence. There are many other parallels to be drawn, I just don’t feel like listing them out right now. I guess I will add one nice thing and say that just how the Unsullied chose Grey Worm as their leader, Red Sox fans have chosen Carrabis as theirs. End of compliment.

Frankie Borrelli As…

Jaime Lannister

Both disappointed their fathers by not taking over the family business. In GOT, Jaime’s father Tywin wants Jaime to take over the family “business” and be the head of Casterly Rock. Jaime doesn’t want to and pursues another opportunity (The Kingsguard). In our world, Mr. Borrelli wants Frankie to take over the family business and be the head of Borrelli’s (serving Long Island’s finest Italian food since 1955). Like Jamie, Frankie instead wants to pursue another opportunity (Barstool).

Francis Ellis As…

Brienne Of Tarth

Mainly looks on this one. Also if Frankie is Jaime, it makes sense since Brienne probably wants to bang Jamie, and we all know Francis wants nothing more than to one day enter Frankie from behind and make sweet, precious love to him.

Erika Nardini As…

Daenerys Targaryen

“Oh Tommy, you’re such a suck up!!!”

You bet your ass I am. Both are badass women who get shit done. Khaleesi is the most powerful woman in Westeros, and Erika is the most powerful woman at Barstool. While Khaleesi is always dealing with other people’s problems in Meereen, Erika is constantly dealing with people at Barstool coming to her with their problems as if she’s a high school guidance counselor. Don’t cross either of these women, or you will sorely regret it.

Uncle Chaps As…

Tormund

I mean duh…

KFC As…

Maester Aemon Targaryen

KFC is obviously a major character at Barstool, so I tried to find a major character to match him up with, but none felt right. So I went with the ironic twist of having the Internet’s top hater of the blind play the show’s blind character.

Ria As…

Arya Stark

Ria started at Barstool as an 18-year-old intern unsure what she was in for, but has been hardened through the years. Arya started Thrones as a daughter in a powerful, noble family. Yet over time, she watched her family get killed, starved, went blind, and really just had quite a shitty run but came out of it better than ever. Can’t say Ria has endured the exact same hardships, but the personality parallels are still there.

Fran As…

Sansa Stark

Sansa and Arya are real sisters, Fran and Ria are content sisters. May not be the strongest parallel in the world because, to my knowledge, Fran has not been married to two of the worst people to ever live. But we do have the fact that Sophie Turner dates a Jonas Brother. And Fran is still holding out hope to one day marry Nick Jonas.

Zah As…

The Red Woman

They come from foreign lands. They put curses/spells on others. There’s also the obvious striking resemblance and magnificent rack of tits.

Liz Gonzalez As…

Cersei Lannister

Some credit Cersei Lannister as being the original host of “Wine Walk.”

Youngstown Bob As…

Podrick

For those that don’t know/remember, Youngstown Bob is a graphic designer who earned his nickname for Muralgate last August at Rough N’ Rowdy.

It then also became public that he’s an absolute freak in the sheets and loves to perform cunnilingus on girls across America, earning him the nickname Munchtown Bob. In Season 3 Episode 3 of Thrones, Tyrion and Bronn send Podrick to a brothel. He comes back with the money. He was so good that he didn’t have to pay. Sounds a lot like our friend Bobby Box.

Spider-Monkey Nate As…

Ramsay Bolton

And Neutered Nate As…

Reek

There are two different versions of Nate that we see. Sometimes, he’s unchained. The spider-monkey comes up from below deck and causes chaos. Whether it’s Smitty, KFC, Adam C. Best, or countless others, absolutely anyone can catch it from the spider-monkey. Like Ramsay, he shows no mercy and takes great pleasure in his enemies’ misery. He wants you to suffer.

But then sometimes we see a quiet, reserved, or even neutered, version of Nate. I believe it was Dave on Barstool Radio who first compared this new version of Nate to Reek in GOT. In this case, Clickbait Smits would be his Ramsay Bolton. But like Reek, we know Nate won’t stay like this forever. Reek eventually turns back into Theon. And Nate will inevitably spider-monkey once again someday. We wait with anticipation.

Glenny Balls As…

Hot Pie

Just a couple of pleasant, plump fellows that usually have a smile on their face. Need Glenny to do a “Boozin’ Burgers” at Hoe Pie’s inn.

Feitelberg As…

Gendry

Admittedly one of the biggest stretch comparisons to be made. But here’s my thinking. Gendry is a strong fighter. Feitelberg has been known to throw some hands in his day. Gendry does not talk to his father, King Robert. Feits usually tries to avoid talking to his work father, Dave. And lastly, Gendry had that weird sexual experience with Melisandre and the leeches. Feits is known for bizarre sexual exploits like a blacked out threesome with an old couple in New Orleans.

Robbie Fox As…

Bran Stark

For starters, there’s a physical resemblance. Plus, Bran is the youngest member of the Stark family. Robbie Fox is the youngest member of the Barstool family. Robbie is wise beyond his years and knows way more about the world than your typical 20-year-old. Bran knows literally everything that has ever happened, so it’s safe to say he’s wiser and more knowledgable than your average teenager.

Coley Mick As…

Wun Wun The Giant

Two ginormous men that tower over everyone around them.

The Bubbly Gang As…

Walder Frey

Think this one speaks for itself.

Henry Lockwood As…

Varys

Both whisper in the ear of important people and serve the realm. Whether he’s with the Lannisters or Khaleesi, Varys has always maintained that “I serve the realm.” Hank has bounced around from Dave’s right-hand man to Big Cat’s producer on Pardon My Take. But his utmost loyalty always lies with Barstool (or maybe Taco Bell). Also, Varys has no penis so we know he can’t get hard. And if you listen to PMT, you’ll know from certain ad reads that Hank may struggle in that area as well.

Ellie Schnitt As…

Margaery Tyrell

“YAAAAAAAASSSS QUEEEEEN. We love you! You get us! We stan a queen!”

Is that the commoners in King’s Landing when Margaery comes through the city? Or is it thousands of sorority girls across America reacting to whatever Ellie’s latest tweet is?

Shaun Latham As…

Euron Greyjoy

Hard to tell who’s who honestly.

All Business Pete As…

Qyburn

Two mad scientists. They are effective in their methods but lack any sort of moral compass. No ethics. No values. Their eyes are empty and soulless. They will stop at nothing to get the job done, no matter how many people are killed along the way. Who has tortured more small animals? It’s a close call.

Trent As…

Khal Drogo

Duh. Most obvious comparison yet.

Jerry Thornton As…

Grand Maester Pycelle

Just a couple of old horny dudes.

Kmarko As…

Ser Davos

Sometimes reserved, but wise and reliable. Probably judging others around them. The only slight difference – Davos didn’t know how to read. Kmarko is our editor-in-chief.

Clem As…

Samwell Tarly

It’s not just because they are large fellows. They’re both nice, pleasant, and would do anything to help their friends. Clem is one of the few fathers at Barstool. And Samwell is kinda sorta a father also. Plus, Samwell is extremely educated and well-read after his time at The Citadel. Clem strikes me as one of the smarter guys we have, and I bet he reads sometimes.

Kayce Smith As…

Gilly

Doppelgängers.

Frank The Tank And The Sports E-cyclopedia As…

The Citadel

Frankie Midnight is your one stop shop for all sports history knowledge. The Citadel is the spot for all of Westeros history. Who has a larger collection of files? Tough to say.

Caleb Pressley As…

Daario Naharis

Long hair. Cool as shit. What else needs to be said?

White Sox Dave As…

The Champion Of Mereen Who Challenges Daario And Immediately Gets Killed

Overconfident in their abilities. Ready for a challenge. Immediately defeated.

Young Pageviews As…

Ygritte

Both fucking love the outdoors. YP runs Barstool Outdoors and wrestles sharks and shit. Ygritte lives out outdoors and kills a bunch of animals. Jon Snow and Ygritte have their love affair. Big Cat and YP have a flirtatious, love/hate, “will they/won’t they” thing going on.

Willie Colon As…

The Mountain

Two hunks of meat I would not like to be in a fist fight with. Willie was tasked with protecting quarterbacks during his NFL career. The Mountain is tasked with protecting Cersei. Let’s hope Willie doesn’t become some weird zombie thing one day.

Large As…

The Hound

The Mountain and The Hound are brothers. Willie and Large are basically brothers. You may look at The Hound/Large and be intimidated by their size, but both are secretly gentle giants (besides The Hound killing a bunch of people, but he protected Arya so that was nice).

Rone As…

Bronn

Bronn is an epic sword battler. Rone is an epic rap battler. You’d be lucky to call Bronn a friend because you know he’ll have your back (Tyrion, Jaime). The same can be said for my pal Adam. Also both are just cool and likable.

Vibbs As…

Robin Arryn

Credit to @probb15 on Twitter for this spot on comparison.

Donnie As…

Oberyn Martell

Both live in faraway lands but carry a swagger with them whenever they return to King’s Landing/New York City. To my knowledge, Donnie is not bisexual like Oberyn, but it’s 2019 so good for him if he is.

Savage Twitter Stoolies As…

The Dothraki

The Dothraki are a bunch of savages who can’t be tamed. The same can be said for some savage Twitter Stoolies, a vocal minority. These are the people we condemn when they call a woman an ugly, fat, c-word for an anti-Barstool tweet.

Michigan Man As…

Viserys Targaryen

Shooting stars. Mad men with short-lived reigns. It once looked like Michigan Man would soar through Idol Week, just as it looked like Viserys would soar to the Iron Throne. At least Michigan Man went out on his own terms.

Milton Days OG Message Board Stoolies As…

The Ironborn

Milton tough. Iron Islands tough. Old school people set in their ways. The Ironborn don’t love some of the changes in Westeros. The old school Stoolies don’t love some of the changes at Barstool. But ultimately, the Ironborn are still a part of Westeros, and OG Milton message board Stoolies will always be a part of Barstool.

The Little Birds As…

Smitty’s Gametime Fans

Young but loyal to who whey serve. Don’t cross this rough crowd.

The Chernin Group As…

The Iron Bank

The Iron Bank is the financial backing of Westeros like the Chernin Group is the financial backing of Barstool. The Iron Bank may be used to fund raising an army. The Chernin Group is used to fund a bird cage for Nate to sit in that has never been used and just takes up office space for 3 years.

Tommy Smokes As…

George R.R. Martin

Obviously not based on looks, as one is an older man with a white beard and the other looks like a Calvin Klein model. The two masterminds behind the ink. Martin is responsible for the Game Of Thrones books, while Smokes is responsible for this blog. Both are brilliant, creative writers who know great writing takes time, as neither likes to rush perfection.

And that’s a wrap for our Barstool/GOT crossover universe. There are obviously omissions, but that’s just because I couldn’t think of any and didn’t want to force comparisons. For example, I couldn’t find a great match for Tyrion. Some people will say Zah, but I didn’t want to take the easy way out. And there’s nobody else I thought fit well enough/wanted to give the high honor of being the best character.

What choices would you have made? Reply in comments or hit me up on Twitter @TomScibelli

Also be sure to check out our all our GOT merch and download the Game of Stools podcast.