Call me Captain Obvious, but having a baby really changes your life. It changes your perceptions and your priorities. It creates obligations and constraints that you never could have imagined. Free time becomes the one hour between when baby goes to sleep and before you start your work for the evening, or the half hour of TV at 11:30 before you go to bed. Gone are the days of happy hour and spontaneous dinners out, at least for quite a few years. And that’s all okay, because having a baby is also pretty awesome.

I’m telling you what all of you should already (hopefully) know because, based on what I’ve seen and heard lately in the ongoing dialogue about being a working mother, I think it needs to be said again. And again. Because even though in the abstract everyone would agree that having a baby is THE major life change — one that impacts every aspect of your life in the most profound way — so many people seem to forget all of that when you start talking about things like the struggles that mothers (read: parents) face when trying to balance having a baby and a career. Bring up the needs of working parents to have a little flexibility at work so that they can also tend to their children’s needs, and time and time again there are those who assert that it’s unfair for parents to expect “special treatment,” or some variation on that theme, when those without kids would love a little flexibility in their lives too.

It makes me wonder if, even though they must know deep down, those people somehow forget how completely different your life is when you have a baby unless they’re being constantly reminded. Or they just want to push my buttons.

I leave work “early” almost every day. However, I am not leaving work early to go to happy hour. I am not leaving work early to go to a Broadway show. Or yoga. Or a Mets game. Or even just to catch up on Homeland. I’m not saying those aren’t entirely legitimate reasons to leave work early. I would love to do all of those things, except maybe a Mets game because it would be depressing. I’m leaving work early to feed a baby, clean up all the spilled food from the rug, change a poopy diaper, walk around the house singing Disney songs, clean up spit up, practice standing up unassisted (the baby, not me), clean up more spit up, change another diaper, put baby to bed, then spend the next half hour listening to screaming and going in and out of the room because baby doesn’t like going to bed anymore. Then it’s probably 9:00, I finally eat something, pour a glass of wine, and usually start working again. I maybe watch an hour of TV before bed, if I finish work before midnight. Rinse and repeat the next day. That’s not really the same as going to spin class and then grabbing dinner with friends.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my baby. I love almost all the time I spend with her, and I wouldn’t trade it. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to go do fun “me” things. I think this is part of the disconnect, when (some) people without kids say, not fair, I want to leave work early too, I have my own life I want to live. Let me be entirely clear: I COMPLETELY AGREE that everyone in Biglaw needs a little more flexibility than they currently get (which in most cases they could get if partners would ease up on the crazy a little). I think the current expectations on associates are unreasonable and completely unhealthy. But I — and other working parents — am not leaving work early to have “fun” in the widely understood sense of the word. We’re going home to take care of children, and I don’t think the people arguing with me about this would be clamoring to leave early to go clean up poop. (I mean hey, maybe, and if so, no judgment.) Just because we love our children does not make caring for them as “fun” as dinner at a fabulous NYC restaurant.

The follow up to this often is, predictably, that I chose to have a baby. That choosing to have a baby is comparable to choosing to do other life activities, such as yoga. True, I did. But what would you have me and others do, not have kids? Declare the human race a failed experiment and let it die out? Isn’t having kids the most basic biological imperative? And if the answer is no, of course people should have kids, but don’t expect special treatment because if I can’t leave work early then you can’t leave early, then who is supposed to raise those kids? Not their parents?

The fact is, parents who leave work early to take care of their kids don’t just do it for themselves, because it makes them happy. Far, far more importantly, it’s about the kids, providing them with what they need and doing what’s necessary to raise happy, healthy human beings. In my opinion, that means having at least one parent home and present as much as possible, even if it’s only one parent at a time. Why bring new people into the world and then not give them what they need to thrive?

Please don’t misunderstand me. I know there are many people in this world who have children and are very deserving of them, but who, for many unfortunate reasons, really can’t be present even though it’s all they want. I don’t mean at all to suggest that those people shouldn’t have kids for that reason, because I don’t know their lives and it’s not my place to judge. But I’m not talking about the single mothers working double shifts at Wal-Mart to make ends meet. I’m talking about Biglaw lawyers. And what I DO mean to suggest is that going to happy hour after work does not have even remotely the same impact, on a personal or a societal level, as me going home to take care of my child.

I firmly believe everyone deserves to have a life outside of Biglaw. Associates SHOULD go to concerts and birthday parties and what have you, and far more often than not, what’s preventing them from doing those things is itself entirely preventable, but for the deeply ingrained Biglaw culture. Guys, I’m on your side. But please don’t throw my flex-time in my face and call it special treatment.

Earlier: Work/Life Balance, Biglaw Women, And Katy Perry

Departure Memo of the Day: Parenting Gets The Best Of One Biglaw Associate

Mommy Dear, Esq. is a senior Biglaw associate in NYC by day and a new mommy by evening, weekend, and 3:30 a.m. She’s currently trying to “have it all,” “lean in,” and sometimes even cook dinner. Mommy Dear, Esq. is very, very tired. You can email her at mommydearesq@gmail.com.