Dear Chump Lady,

Okay, I really messed up. I mean as in life-changing, epic mistake. I read your book early on in my divorce, which began exactly 3 days BEFORE I ever found out he cheated. Long story short, he’s torn my heart out repeatedly over the years — avid verbal/emotional abuser. I am happy to see him go. For him to end it by giving himself permission to cheat…well that has taken some getting over.

It’s been 4 months and I’ve made every mistake in the book. I’ve emailed and texted the OW. I’ve attacked my husband relentlessly, hoping to get some kind of validation, some kind of closure. Of course intellectually I KNOW that’s not going to happen. It’s just that my heart and my mind are not on the same page lately.

Anyway, in a state of pretty heavy depression last week, I decided to post about the OW on a couple of “expose a homewrecker” websites. About 2 or 3 days later, when my head cleared a bit, I realized this is not the person I am. This is not okay — slandering someone online. Even if every bit of what I posted is true (it is). So I proceeded to research how to remove these two posts. And they don’t let you remove them. Crap. So I called a company that specialized in removing these things. Minimum $2250. Per post. Crap. So now I am relentlessly BEGGING these two websites through their Facebook page to just please remove the post! I got a short response from one telling me to use a 3rd party service. Which I can in no way afford to do!

I was hoping by some wild chance you have some advice. How do I get these posts removed? If my husband or the OW find out, they will come at me with everything they have. And they both have high-paying jobs. While I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 10 years. So now I am a single mom with two kids and no job. Lesson learned for sure, but what do I do now? I can’t afford nearly $5k to remove these two posts. But if I don’t, I may have a lawsuit in my future.

Sincerely,

Dumped Chump

Dear Dumped Chump,

You don’t mention where you are in the divorce process, and you still call this guy your “husband.” If you’re not yet divorced, I’m sorry to tell you, you have a lawsuit in your future — it’s called a divorce. This is EXACTLY the kind of dilemma you need to run past an attorney. And I’m not an attorney, and I can’t give you legal advice. What follows is NOT legal advice, just chump advice.

I’m hoping some former SAHMs will weigh in here on how they got their divorces. Because you MUST see a lawyer and you’re going to need to ask for Dickface to pay your legal costs. It’s not he has a high-paying job and you have nothing — if you’re married, his money is your money. That’s a marital asset. You need an attorney who is skilled in high-conflict divorce to get you temporary support orders, and alimony in your settlement (if your state allows it). And negotiate your legal costs.

Let me emphasize this again — you need LEGAL HELP. I’ll get to the OW sites in a second, but please don’t dismiss this. Don’t let this guy walk out on his kids and you without a legal fight. I don’t mean desperate letters pleading for “closure”, I mean CONSEQUENCES. Sure, he can have his divorce — it will cost him, however. Don’t be a chump and acquiesce to his cake-eating because you think you’re powerless financially. The law has remedies for these situations — avail yourself of them.

One thing you can do if you’re low-income or no income (in the U.S. anyway — folks elsewhere, please chime in) is call your state’s Bar Association and ask about pro bono (free) legal services for family law. There are also “low bono” legal services out there too — for people who are between poor and able to afford legal help. You may be able to find a lawyer who will work on a sliding scale. EXHAUST ALL OPTIONS! Don’t give up before you’ve begun. GET LEGAL HELP.

Use a credit card, take a loan from a family member, pawn your jewelry. It’s essential not to go into these sorts of fights unarmed, or rely upon the cheater to “be fair.” Hey, how “fair” does your situation feel right now?

Now back to exposing OW on cheater sites. Look, what’s done is done. I’d rather spend my money explaining my temporary insanity to my lawyer than give it to predatory online hacks. But that’s just my opinion. Your lawyer may have different one. I’m running your letter as a warning to other chumps — do NOT be vengeful. Stay NO CONTACT or this shit can come back and bite you in the ass!

You’ve already sent angry texts to the OW and your husband. They can save those and use them against you. So, from where I sit, the damage is done. I’d focus on how you can move forward. Assume you’ll have a fight — and prepare yourself for it. Document every parenting thing you do for the kids and how long you’ve done it. From this point forward, go no contact with him and the OW. You only communicate about the kids, and keep it brief, unemotional, and factual.

You take all that emotional energy you’re expending on the idiot OW and put it back on yourself. On your future, on your job skills, on your education, on your new life. No more drama, because DC, they ENJOY it. You’re feeding them kibbles. Every pleading you send this creep makes him think he MATTERS. And that she won a prize. They need that triangle. Your heartbreak gives them a hard-on.

So stop appealing to them for justice — either by exposing her, or demanding explanations from him. You make your own justice. And that starts with a call to a lawyer.

If what you wrote is true? Let OW spend the $5K to take that shit down. If they’re determined to threaten you, well let your attorney deal with those threats by finding their leverage points. Perhaps they would not enjoy the financial discovery process or a series of depositions.

I’m sorry for your heartbreak, DC. And I understand the temporary insanity, most of us chumps have been there. No contact is the path to healing.

Will the OW lose her shit if she googles herself? Oh well. As cosmic injustices go, it’s not emotional and financial abandonment with two kids. And I hope your lawyer explains it to a judge that way, if it comes to that. Just dust yourself off and move forward. Better days ahead.