Semen doesn’t have to taste bad

What you eat impacts what your semen tastes like.

On the one hand, you can positively impact the flavor by eating foods such as celery or parsley, which sweeten the “seminal palette.” On the other hand, it means that basically everything else you eat will make it taste astringent, or like shit.

Over the years, Kiss has learned about the variabilities of eating cum, and how certain foods can enhance or ruin the taste of her friend’s tri-weekly batches.

“Every batch tastes different, depending on what he’s been eating,” she told Metro in 2016. “If he’s been drinking alcohol or eaten something particularly pungent, like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads up so I know not to drink it neat. Things like pineapple and peppermint make it taste better, but I’ll happily take it straight off a spoon usually.”

If shooting straight semen seems too hardcore, you can ease yourself into the world with particular recipes. Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer, an author in the San Francisco Bay Area, has published two books on eating semen, either by incorporating it into food or cocktails.

You can mix it with butter, cottage cheese, and eggs to create “creamy cum crepes” or mask it with barbecue sauce and use it as a marinade for a chicken or meat dish. Desserts, with their high sugar contents and rich flavors, are great at concealing the taste of semen. Caramel sauces, cream fillings, and chocolate puddings lend themselves well to a drizzle or two of cum.

It blends well as a cocktail mixer because the liquor numbs the palette and dilutes some of the semen’s bitterness. Add it to a mojito for a hint of creaminess or to a cognac for some zest. Pro tip: Let the semen melt for a few minutes before adding it to a drink so that it’s easier to mix in. If it’s “unusually thick,” you can dilute it with a few drops of water.

Eating semen boosts your energy

The next time you’re feeling tired, slurp some sperm instead of a cup of coffee or an energy drink.

One teaspoon of semen contains more than 200 types of proteins, as well as a range of vitamins and minerals responsible for giving us energy, including vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, vitamin B12, potassium, sodium, magnesium, and zinc.

It’s an especially good additive for vegans, as their diets may be lacking sufficient vitamin B12. The amounts of each compound vary depending on the person’s diet and age, but you can generally count on most jizz to have solid levels of proteins and zinc.

Kiss said that before she started eating semen, she’d often feel “run down” and low energy. After starting her daily cum diet, the 31-year-old is more physically active than ever before.

She now spends the majority of her time working out, posting regular gym selfies and bodybuilding progress pics to Instagram using the hashtag #bodytransformation.

Eating semen fights depression

Only 3 percent of the thick white stuff contains sperm; the rest is made up of seminal fluid, which consists mostly of water chock-full of compounds. In addition to sugars, vitamins, minerals, immunosuppressants, and, oddly, two female sex hormones, semen also contains a number of mood-elevating compounds, including endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin.

In a study involving 293 female college students in Albany, New York, researchers found that those who had sex without condoms had fewer symptoms of depression than those who used prophylactics.

The reason? Semen.

By allowing the vagina to absorb cum, the women were supercharging their bodies with uplifting nutrients that ultimately put them in better moods.

If having regular, unprotected sex sounds like too risky of a move for you, eating semen comes in handy: As long as you know that the source of your spunk is STD-free, you can get the same health benefits from semen without the possibility of pregnancy.