Claire finds the foundation for her very own American Dream, while Brianna encounters second wave feminism – same difference, right? Tara Ward recaps episode three of season four of Outlander.

There’s an old Scottish proverb that says “he who finds the strawberries, must smoulder at the horizon until his donkey flees and his wife loses her boots”. Call me a budget Le Dame Blanche, because that’s exactly what happened in this week’s episode of Outlander, as Jamie and Claire journeyed deep into the North Carolina mountains to find their forever home and/or gaze dreamily into the distance.

So many lingering looks, so many squinty stares. Just what were they hoping to see on the horizon? A new spot for another midnight sponge bath? As you were, Lord Broch Tuarach.

Our beloved heroes left River Run for the freedom of the mountains, but not before Aunt Jocasta offloaded a set of candlesticks and a whole lot of shade about Claire not letting Jamie be “the man he was born to be”. Hold the phone, Jocasta. Jamie spent ten long years in a cave trying to work out who he was, and if he doesn’t know by now, we’re in more trouble than we realise.

Two hundred years in the future, Roger and Brianna made their own journey to North Carolina. Old mate Roger arrived in America wearing every piece of clothing he owned, so he and Brianna could travel to a Scottish festival where Roger was the star performer. Their reunion was super awkward, and any passion bubbling beneath Roger’s nineteen woollen vests was smothered by their road-trip game about what type of cat the minister’s cat was.

Wait, does the minister’s cat have the same identity problem as Jamie? Is the minister’s cat also unable to be the cat it was born to be? Wow, Scotland is tough on the ego.

Best bits of the Scottish festival? This sign:

and this spritely moment weeeeeeeee

Gather ye hot nuts while ye may, because Roger and Bree’s jaunty day out turned to shit once they arrived at their cabin of love. Bree turned down Roger’s marriage proposal, which made Roger madder than the time the Reverend wouldn’t let him eat another chocolate biscuit. If Brianna wasn’t going to marry Roger, take his name, squeeze out at least five sprogs and smile while she was doing it, then he certainly wasn’t going to introduce her to Wee Roger.

“That makes no sense,” said Brianna and the entire world. The minister’s cat is a dickhead cat, and so is Roger.

While we waited for the second wave of feminism to wash in and drown Roger, Claire was adrift in sea of in her own feelings. What if Jamie really was born to be a notorious outlaw with a dodgy fringe? Jamie told her to chillax, because he had a family now and that was all that mattered. “I would lay the world at your feet,” he told Claire, and they stared at each other until everything around them naturally combusted from the pure radiant heat of their own animal magnetism.

This was too good to be true. Claire and Jamie had been together an entire day without being assaulted, threatened or separated. What the holy haggis was going on? Is it even Outlander if Jamie and Claire can have a nice time without anyone being hurt?

Clarence the donkey thought it was weird too. A clap of thunder made him skitter away, forcing Claire to race into the dark forest after him. “Claire!” Jamie cried, but he really should have shouted “don’t get lost, don’t get knocked unconscious by a falling tree, and definitely don’t dig up that skull and put it in your handbag. Also, keep your boots on at all time, and if you see a ghost it’s totally fine. Meet you at the river in the AM, babes”.

After a long night, a sodden Claire reunited with Jamie by following the footprints made by her own boots. Some might say a ghost had worn those shoes to lead her to Jamie, but I like to think it’s one of life’s greater mysteries, like how they get Jamie’s wig fringe to stay on. Another mystery is how those silver fillings got in those teeth, or why Claire thinks it’s fine to casually carry a skull around, and how hard is it to housetrain a donkey? Asking for a friend.

While Brianna and Roger’s future lay in tatters, Jamie and Claire finally discovered the perfect place to build their house of dreams. They weren’t worried about whose land it already was, because STRAWBERRIES! We left the Frasers holding each other tightly as they stared over their American dream, just two perfect creatures and their donkey, eating strawberries together until they get the squits.

Read all of Tara Ward’s Outlander recaps here.