Gay sex is supposed to be transcendently exhausting, so orgasmic that it makes you instantly grab for a pack of cigarettes. In my experience, bottoming is like having a hot knife jammed into my intestines — and I avoided it for the next three years, until I met a man I wanted to like sex for. He was kind and patient, and I tried very, very hard. I relaxed and tried not to be so tense and I made plans to have sex with him every day until it felt “normal”— or like the sex I imagined other people were having — until we slowly had less sex and then stopped. I was tired of gritting my teeth through the constant pain, and I could tell he took it personally, as if he’d done something to hurt me.

I should have realized a lot earlier that the problem was bigger than me, but you’d be surprised how used you get to certain things: like sleeping alone to avoid taking a dump in a stranger’s bed. When it came to sex, I thought pain was the only choice I had. What’s more, I thought I deserved the pain — but I wanted to deserve someone who loved me instead.

This past March, I decided it was time to stop hurting. A jovial internist in Brooklyn advised me to get a colonoscopy to take a closer look, and he came back with news: I had irritable bowel syndrome.



It might seem like there’s little connection between food and intercourse, but when you’re having gay sex, the two are intimately — and sometimes awkwardly —connected. As Zach Stafford wrote in the Huffington Post, “it’s common knowledge that if you are a bottom and plan on having sex, then you shouldn't eat at Chipotle.” If anal sex can be messy, IBS only makes it worse, causing bloating and pain in your lower abdomen if you eat “trigger foods” (mine are dairy, eggs, spicy foods, and the dreaded gluten). For some, irritable bowel syndrome is linked to constant, uncomfortable constipation, but others may experience unpredictable bouts of diarrhea.

If you’re already feeling bloated, having anal sex might be the absolute last thing you want to do — because it only makes you feel worse. I was referred to a specialist who told me what to eat but also how to prepare it. But even for those who manage their symptoms with diet control, many gay men who suffer from IBS continue to be reticent about having anal sex. On sexual health forums, men complain that the nagging fear of pain in the back of your mind kills the experience. “I suffer from lots of bowel problems, which [makes] the idea of being on bottom even less appealing,” a forum poster on RealJock confesses. “Even more of a problem is even on days when my IBS isn't an issue, I just can't enjoy it.” Another user on the IBS Group website claims that after getting diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, he stopped having sex altogether, because he’s too worried about a flareup.