SCARSDALE, NEW YORK – As a wealthy businessman, who pulled himself up by his bootstraps and a sizable trust fund, I can say unequivocally that the Democratic Party would be making a huge mistake, were it to adhere to this emerging “Progressive” movement.

These “people,” if I may be so charitable as to refer to them as such, seem to have a completely skewed perception of the wealthy. We aren’t heartless; we just don’t think that we should be forced to provide for others. We do donate to charity, but only enough to help us look ourselves in the mirror.

I worked hard for my inheritance, and am therefore insulted by any suggestion that I should part with it.

Believe it or not, we actually do care deeply for the poor. Recently, a worker, whose name I cannot recall, tragically died of exhaustion in one of my factories. I made sure that all of the funeral arrangements were in place. He was cremated near one of my wineries, and the ceremony was truly lovely.

His ashes made excellent fertilizer for my crops, but that’s by the way.

These petulant pinkos, who seem so eager to have entrepreneurs throw away our entire savings on welfare programs, simply cannot understand how hard it is to put one’s finances in order. I sometimes forget where I stashed a few million here or there. Was it the Cayman Islands? Luxembourg? Switzerland? I struggle to recall. Anyone who cannot sympathize deeply with such concerns truly has no soul.

Having said this, I implore the Democratic National Committee to continue to promote center-right neoliberalism. We truly appreciate being able to promote ourselves as progressive on social issues, while retaining the means to continue our opulent lifestyle.