The slander started early on Thanksgiving when Susanna kindly reminded me that the tub needs me. It was a pleasant surprise, no surprise.

Alright I don't want to make a huge deal out of this but I feel like lately things have gotten out of hand. The past couple days haven't been easy on Milfs and I want to set the record straight.

Some of the responses were mean though. Someone asked me if that was Susanna or David Bowie from Labyrinth. Like that's not the body of Aphrodite disguised as a Lions Milf? Fuck outta here.

Then Black Friday. Can't even make it to Black Friday.

Karen out with her squad getting dragged by the internet because you're scared of a little competition. Scared you might get out-shopped or out-latte'd at Starbucks.

Not me. I respect Milfs everywhere and the harder they want to shop, the harder I…

Anyways

It continued deep into Friday night. I was out at the Viagra triangle

Which is supposed to be a safe haven for Milfs everywhere and honestly it was anything but that. Lou Malnati's, Tavern on Rush, Gibsons and Dublins. All of them packed to the gills with high quality Milfs that just want to let loose but couldn't. It was buttoned up cleavage and bad jeans and muted heels and a lot of averagely priced glasses chardonnay. I mean sure I can handle the bad jeans but not on a Friday night. Not at the triangle.

I was distraught. My mind raced. Are Milfs endangered? If they can't let their hair down in the VT in my backyard then where?

Then on Saturday, as I continued my quest for answers, I was blasted in the face with MILF BLASPHEMY:

3 separate doses in a 4-minute span and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Karen this Karen that KAREN KAREN KAREN

I mean guys. Come on one time. Don't make me get into specifics about these very nice, hot, older ladies that are trying to rip it up in Auburn. You know you would. All of you would. Literally every single one of you would but don't tell that to all you accomplished cocksmen. Rolling so deep in hot trim you can spare all the Karen and Susanna jokes your little heart could muster.

Meanwhile, I'm over here gloriously remembering decades of cracking stick to hot older women. And I'm doing so without judgment from you because you're right there with me. At least according to the numbers:

I haven't seen a beating like that since Lisa Ann did the broken down car in the garage scene.

So what gives? Why is it around Thanksgiving that people want to turn on Milfs?

I have no answers. Only promises:

I promise to make this a very Merry Christmas for all Milfs everywhere. You can count on Carl.