St. Louis, MO—

The latest battle of America’s culture war has centered on the National Football League, and conservatives have vowed to boycott the sport of football because black players have been protesting blatant racial discrimination by kneeling when the national anthem plays.

This has made President Donald Trump very butthurt for some reason, though Trump is likely using the controversy to hide the fact that his administration is basically going down in flames with the Russia investigation and that the GOP has failed for a third consecutive time to pass an Obamacare repeal bill.

Conservatives, however, have taken Trump’s bait and are vowing to boycott the NFL. Several videos have gone viral on social media of conservatives burning their favorite teams’ memorabilia, and bitching in Facebook rants.

“I am so over football from now on,” said local conservative Matt Telmington, as he burned his Miami Dolphins jersey. “I don’t watch football for politics, and now that players, teams, and coaches are silently injecting their political opinions for a whole three minutes during a part of the televised game that I never pay attention to, I’m pissed. And besides, this country of America is the freest, least racist country in history. We had a black president for God’s sake! That gives these players no right at all to ever protest anything. They’re ungrateful. I mean, sure, I hung the American flag upside down and refused to put my hand over my heart while Obama was president to protest him, but that’s entirely different. I’m white. Blacks don’t realize how good they have it living here.”

Other conservatives were having difficulty figuring out what sports they could still watch.

“Well, football is out, and baseball just had a player kneel on the Oakland A’s team so I can’t watch baseball anymore,” said Nathan Erglinger, a conservative sports enthusiast. “Lebron insulted Trump, so basketball is out. Tennis and soccer are too European, so they’re out. Hockey has Canadians in it, so I don’t want to watch anything that remotely sponsors socialist healthcare. Floyd Mayweather just beat Conor McGregor so MMA and boxing are out. I don’t want to sit here and watch black people beat white people at things, you know? I got a lot riding on the white supremacy thing. Golf would be cool if it went back to excluding black people and women. Until then, it’s much too liberal a sport for me to enjoy watching. Now hillbilly golf, though, there is a sport not irrevocably damaged by multiculturalism and diversity. And NASCAR is chill, too, though they’re on probation. I heard they’re trying to attract more black drivers. That’s the last thing this country needs. I see you big shot reporter giving me the ‘you’re racist’ eye. I’m not racist, I just think I have an American right to never ever have to see that a black person exists in this country. Is that too much to ask for? It’s not racist, though!”

Respectfully, we disagree.

(Picture courtesy of Wolff83.)

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