Paul Harvey was onto something

And on the 8th day, God looked down on his creation and said, “It’s way too honest and forthright.” So God made a Clinton.

God said, “I need somebody willing to do anything, believe anything, say anything, no matter how false, in order to attain power.” So God made a Clinton.

“I need somebody with a finger strong enough to wag at the cameras, but gentle enough to hit the power button on an industrial strength paper shredder. Somebody to bark at Congress, threaten cantankerous committee chairs, ignore subpoenas, and hide long sought after document troves deep in the bowels of the White House residence.” So God made a Clinton.

God said, “I need somebody willing to spend decades nursing naked ambition. And then watch it die when some upstart nobody from Chicago decides he doesn’t want to wait his turn. Then dry her eyes and say, ‘Maybe in 2016.’ I need somebody who can shiv a political enemy with nothing more than a nail file and an iPhone case she swore was way too inconvenient to carry around in addition to a Blackberry. And who, in primary and general campaign season, will doggedly complete the Sunday show sweep, and then pop up on TV again later that evening to tell you, ‘The server will remain private.'” So God made a Clinton.

God had to have somebody willing to put up with endless neglect from a two hundred-timing spouse with a wandering eye and a penchant for island parties with a sex offender. All so that one day she might finally be able to take a sip from that glorious goblet marked “Madam President.” So God made a Clinton.

God said, “I need somebody strong enough to fly something like eight bajillion miles just to fill the aching emptiness of knowing that all her effort might actually end up for naught, yet gentle enough to don a pink pant suit and chastise the vast right-wing conspiracy for going after such a sweet, harmless hillbilly. It had to be somebody who could parse words, look straight in the camera, and swear she totally spent over half her time as the world’s most powerful diplomat playing Candy Crush and sending ‘you go girl’ e-mails to her BFF’s from that hot yoga place down the street.

“Somebody who’d put the family together, incorporate it as a tax-exempt non-profit, who would laugh and then sigh, and then reply, with affirming eyes, when her daughter says she has an idea about how to secretly collect millions from Algeria, Qatar, and Oman without anyone ever being the wiser.”

So God made a Clinton.