BY LELA GWENN.

Chuck Wendig is one of those writers you would hate if he wasn’t so darn nice. His books manage to be both dark and charming at the same time. If you are a writer and you aren’t visiting www.terribleminds.com, then what are you waiting for?

Stephen Blackmoore is a bit of a mystery. A writer of supernatural noir and His twisted sense of humor makes him a must follow on Twitter.

Both of these wonderful gentleman agreed to a bit of theater: What if we asked male authors the questions that are generally reserved for female ones? What if, instead of questions about books we focused on the character of the writer, his figure and his family?

WHACK: So Chuck, I know you have a toddler at home. What are you doing to deal with your Post baby body?

Chuck Wendig: I…I feed it tacos. You know I wasn’t the pregnant one, right?

W: Stephen, Do you feel pressure to have children before it’s too late?

Stephen Blackmoore: My species procreates by asexual budding three, four times a day. So at this point it’s a real struggle to not give in to those “baby urges” or, in my case, “cloned nightmare terrors of unimaginable evil urges”. But with the right diet, the freshly churned souls of the damned, I should be able to stave that off for another few centuries at least. It also helps that I devour my critics feet first after unhinging my jaw like a snake so they can get the full experience of slowly being eaten alive. Because I’m a giver.

W: Chuck your books are sorta racy. You are known for your potty mouth and books that feature characters that are well I’ll just say “easy” and lots of violence. What do you think your children will say about that?

CW: Well. My kind right now says “choo-choo” a lot, so, probably that.

W: But in reality you have a sort of ho-hum, boring life with a wife and a kid and a dog. Do you think you are living a vicariously slutty life through your characters?

CW: I am, yes. Who told you that? I just want to be a big manslut!

Chuck Wendig.

W: Stephen, you are pretty private about your home life but I know you do a lot of events at bars in LA. It’s safe to assume you aren’t living the life of the chaste and pure.

SB: I am, actually. I live in an underground bunker with my wife and two dogs and we make only occasional forays into the radioactive wasteland of Los Angeles for supplies. There’s not much time to party when you’re fighting off packs of ravenous mutants who want to use your head as a bongo drum.

W: You both have ….interesting… characters populating your books. Would you be friends with those people?

CW: No. God, no. Do I have to be? Is that a requirement? Shit.

SB: Most of my characters are assholes. They’re either narcissists or psychopaths. So, you know, pretty much all just me. And I hate myself. So, no, I wouldn’t be their friend. And you shouldn’t either. Seriously, they’re jerks. Just like I am.

Stephen Blackmoore.

W: Your beard gets a lot of attention. Do you ever feel like you are using your beard to get people to pay attention to you?

CW: Yes. I exploit my beard like a Bangladeshi climate change refugee. My beard makes Apple iPhones. It is a lush, rich, robust beard and I work it, work it. I twerk it, twerk it. EYES UP HERE, LADIES. Jeez. The female gaze, am I right?

W: Now Stephen, there aren’t a lot of photos out there of you. Is there a reason for that? Is that a statement about not wanting to be judged by your looks?

SB: I actually have no looks. I died in 1847 in a freak goat / train accident and am now nothing but a shade who roams the moors wailing in the fog and lamenting all those lost goats ground beneath the wheels of the train, their bleating like the cries of burning children and pain so much pain and horror and the blood everywhereohgodsomuchblood and THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BRINGING UP THAT PAINFUL MEMORY.

W: How do you balance writing and touring with out feeling like you are abandoning your family?

CW: I basically just abandon them because, as a father, I am expected to make the money but also be a jerk so on the rare occasion I am seen with my child in public I can be called a hero and high-fived for basically not being a completely absent figure.

W: From the outside you seem really disconnected from the world. Don’t you want a family?

SB: Though it’s true that I’m disconnected from much of the world, mostly because of limitations in my programming that require that I not interact with anything outside my 3'x3’ box for at least 15 hours every day, family is extremely important to me. Family is key to a healthy, happy life. Because really, who better to frame for a triple homicide in Reno while strung out on trucker meth than someone who has an almost exact genetic profile?

W: What makes you feel pretty?

CW: Wigs, Lee Press-On nails, and a very special sundress.

SB: I like to pamper myself by trying on different looks by hunting people down and wearing their skins like a suit.

W: Ideal relaxation day?

CW: Hunting deer. Or a spa day. Or hunting deer at the spa. Some combination of “deer” and “spa.”

SB: Orchestrating an elaborate museum heist full of close calls, double-crosses and a good montage, preferably with a Bon Jovi soundtrack.

Credit for this idea must go to Brett Sandusky, who when I asked for interview questions on Twitter replied “How biggs are them canz?” 34 C, Mr. Sandusky. 34 C.

Chuck Wendig’s site terribleminds.com

Stephen Blackmoore’s site stephenblackmoore.com

Interview by Lela Gwenn, follow her on Twitter @LGwenn

And make sure to follow @WhackMagazine aswell!

(Source: whackmagazine.com)