From Homestar Runner Wiki

Just uncovered this soap box derby cartoon that we never finished writing. Just re-read it and it holds up pretty well. Enjoy it twice if you would.

–Brother Mike

This draft was released as a wiki exclusive. All formatting has been preserved, except that some bold text has been added to help with readability.

Released: Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Character key (in order of appearance):

edit] Draft

Soap Box Doiby Cartoon

anncr: are you kidding me? it's the big soap box doiby downhill challenge!!

(credits)

anncr: welcome back. joining me today is that ____, that mound of monarch, the king of town!

kot: thank you, walter. i must say, i'm very excited to eat some soap today.

anncr: yes, yes. not my name and not what we're doing here. and here come our racers now!

(cut to racers: bubs, cz, team strong, homestar and pom pom)

hs: ok pom pom i got it. our team will be called 'the awesome doing homestars.' that makes sense, doesn't it? and thanks for letting me be the driver. you can be my pit crew, or maybe my adoring fans.(brief pause) hey there sport, you need an autograph?

(he starts to sign pom pom)

pp: bubble de dubble

hs: what?! you built your own racer and you don't want my autograph! that sickens me. if i didn't have an iron tummy i'd prob'ly be chucking up all over everywhere right now. (pan down to see pom pom's racer. it looks crappy) pfff! is that your racer? looks like a cow built it. good luck trying to win in that...

pp: bubble

hs: oh, that's mine. so, where's yours?(pan over to pom-pom's kick-assing racer) dang. that looks like several very smart cows built it. but LOOKS only count in horse shows and ham parades, right homestar? right!

(homestar walks off. we follow him. he walks past the brothers strong and we stay with them)

sb: are you ready?

ss: no.

sb: i mean are you RRRRRRREADY??!!

ss: nnnnno.

sb: c'mon double s. get pumped. we're doing this race together. together for heather.

ss: who's heather?

sb: i dunno. it doesn't matter. we're a family and we're gonna all pile on this cookie sheet and go careening down this hill at breakneck speed like only guys that once shared a bathtub can.

sm: you creepin me out!!

ss: yeah, you creepin me out too.

sb: i'm trying to keep this family together! this doiby is what being a family is all about! together for heather!

ss: who's...

sb: breakneck speed!!

(cut to cz in his locker-racer)

cz(talking offscreen): if i could only find a way to power this thing with b.o., then i think i'd be a force to be reckoned with. whattaya think you're chances are, bubsio andretti?

(pan over to bubs. he is in the gremlin)

bubs: i'd feel a lot better if i could've found a gas station around here. and a front left tire. (the cheat(or maybe the goblin) is holding up the front left of the gremlin.)

back to anouncer

anncr: this year's field is one of the deepest in recent years, wouldn't you agree?

kot: yes, i also prefer to eat the raw ingredients of cake separately and let them mix in my stomach. gives my skin that ashy glow.

anncr: disgusting! now the moment we've all been waiting for...on your marks...get set...fat bluebird, give us the signal!

(fat bluebird squawks)

anncr: and they're off! homestar and pom pom jump out in the lead positions.

hs: you're going down fat boy. (he shakes a box of thumbtacks, showing pom pom) and if you think i'm gonna share my afterschool snack, you're dead wrong. (homestar downs all the thumbtacks)

cut to the brothers strong. strong sad is laying down on the skateboard and strong bad and strong mad are piled on top.

ss: why are we just sittin here?? what happened to breakneck speed?

sb: stick together! we're never gonna win this doiby if we don't act as one! act as one for heather! strong mad, go get a running start.(silouette view of strong mad hopping off, getting a running start, and leaping onto the skateboard. they finally start going)

ss: ooooohhh! my spine just got cracked for heather!!!

sb: they don't call it breakneck speed for nuthin!

(footage, wideshots, silhouette shots of the race. overtop of that the announcer talks)

anncr: holy crackers! this is sporting drama at its finest! (fi-NEST)

kot: thank you walter. ya know, if i was racing i'd eat myself into a giant wheel of cheese and roll down the hill like a runaway cheddar.

anncr: that would be a sight to behold! (BE-hold)

(cut to the king of town who has, of course, eaten himself into a wheel of cheese)

kot: mind giving me a push?

(cut to bubs and cz duking it out)

Bubs and Coach Z run each other off course in a fiery catastrophe. Homestar and Pom Pom fight each other to the end, but Marzipan zips by them at the end in some kinda vegetable powered somethin-er-other. The Brothers Strong end up dead last, but Strong Bad is convinced he held the family together.

edit] Fun Facts

edit] Explanations

Homestar's comment, "looks only count in horse shows and ham parades", is a malapropism of the expression "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades".

edit] Remarks

Although Strong Bad has entered a racing competition, there is no indication that he cheats or intends to cheat, nor does he have any issues with coming in dead last.

edit] Inside References

edit] Real-World References

Coach Z refers to Bubs as Bubsio Andretti.

The King of Town riding in a wheel of cheese downhill is based on a real event held every year in Gloucester, UK.