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Lily Darais is a mother of four living in Orem, UT. She earned a B.A. from Michigan State University, a Masters of Education from Harvard, and has earned a diploma in culinary arts. She currently spends most of her time trying to keep her toddler and baby alive and begging her older kids to practice their instruments. She previously wrote a BCC guest post on Heavenly Mother.

Over the better half of this past decade, I have returned to the same question over and over: Why stay in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?

The events and issues that keep me so close to this question have been myriad, but always thematically connected. I reject an idea I embraced at the time of my initial conversion–the idea that the Church and its leaders always speak directly for God. As a teenager I was taught that because the Church was lead by prophets and apostles, its history was to be interpreted as God’s will, and its current policies were to be embraced. Questions were always to be resolved by prayer, which would, if it was honest prayer, lead only to more purposeful obedience.

The Church’s current policies do not always reflect my personal feelings. And after studying Church history, I do not feel confident turning over my mind and heart to the Church. It and its leaders have historically been deeply fallible–and honestly, when I think of issues like polygamy or the priesthood ban for blacks, “deeply fallible” is truly the gentlest of euphemisms.

Even though I am also human and therefore at least as fallible as my religious leaders, my salvation is something that I prefer to work through directly with God alone. I do not need a church or the Church to atone or intercede in a relationship that is as personal as it is real.

But I do need Jesus. I love Jesus. I aspire, in my best moments, to be a disciple of Jesus. And because of my relationship with Jesus, I keep deciding, over and over, to stay active in the Church. Christ said, “Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.” (1 Corinthians 12:27) When I read that, I interpret the body of Christ to be bigger than the Church, but also particularly church. As an ardent Christian, I long to fully participate in the particular body of Christ.

Even though the Church, “big C”, often upsets me, the church, “little c”, is clearly part of the body of Christ. In my personal circumstance, I happen to live in Orem, Utah, and all of my neighbors are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. They also happen to be almost all active church goers. When I go to church, I get a chance to know my literal neighbors better. I hear their comments, attend their lessons, listen to their talks, appreciate their musical talents, and join them in song and prayer. I minister and am ministered to. Through our church service and activity, we are building a holy community where people are known and loved on earth as well as on heaven. Through loving interactions, we enter the Kingdom of Heaven now.

This is not to say that my ward is perfect. We have the same issues and vulnerabilities as any other church community, and I am sure we all have many opportunities to actively restrain judgement or even, at times, practice forgiveness. But at the end of the day, church activity progresses me in love for God and love for my neighbor.

In fact, love has become my litmus test for all personal religious practice in general: Does it progress me in love for God and for my neighbor? If yes, I keep it, and if not, I thoughtfully, prayerfully, dismiss the practice from my life.

For example: Garments. After having children, the bottom garment went from being a slight nuisance to becoming a wedge in my relationship with God. It made me break out in a rash that required daily medication, and I experienced continual discomfort. Aside from the rash, as a mom of young kids, I found myself bending and lifting a lot more than I had previously, and my garment was always pinching, sliding, or making it more difficult to complete tasks. For years I felt upset at God for making my life so needlessly complicated and so horribly uncomfortable. Why, I wondered, did God care so much about my underwear?

But as my relationship with Heavenly Mother deepened, I gradually became aware that every aspect of my worship should be based in love. If any practice in the Church or in my personal interpretation of religious practice does not progress my ability to love, I now know to let it go. Rather than rigidly following rules and beating myself up for every infraction, my religion is now about being most intentional about love. The bottom garment does not progress me in love. It makes me irritable and frustrated, and actively upset at the religious patriarchy that imposes it on me. On the other hand, church activity deepens my understanding and appreciation for God and my neighbors. It progresses me in love.

Religion and church attendance are also ways that my family develops our spiritual life and values. I appreciate the way the Church names and nurtures love, forgiveness, hope, and faith. These are spiritual realities that philosophers, poets, writers, and even cynics must admit are metaphysical realities independent of religion. They are the substance of what I personally consider to be the full, abundant spiritual life Christ promises in the book of John. And the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints does a phenomenal job of equipping even the youngest children with the skill set necessary to recognize, name, and develop a beautiful spiritual life comprised of these very values.

Church, to me, is about building a community, teaching my children spiritual values, and progressing in love. It is about knowing and loving my neighbor, both figurative and literal. It is a place I go to worship through prayer, song, education, and social interaction. It is a place I choose to go every week.

It is a place I love to be.

*Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash