WASHINGTON—After learning that their father’s associates Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen were guilty of crimes and Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation was continuing to expand, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly frantically burning stacks of their printed-out emails Wednesday to eliminate their paper trail. “Okay, Eric, I think we melted down all the stuff we wrote from last year so now Mr. Mueller can’t never find it—time to start wrecking all the emails from this year,” said Trump Jr., who, along with his brother, had stayed up all night printing out every single email ever sent or received by either of the boys and setting the stacks of paper ablaze in a plastic garbage can to eliminate any evidence that could be used against them in an investigation. “We gotta type up copies of our texts so we can print them out and burn those, too—you can’t be too careful with the witch hunt. And once we finish burning all the evidence, we have to take pictures of our faces on Instagram and then print out those, too, and burn them so we can delete our identities. Then we have to leave and never come back, okay? We have to go to one of the small dots on a map where they can’t find us.” At press time, the Trump boys were attempting to erase any trace of their deliberate destruction of evidence by using masking tape to secure rocks to the top of the printer and pushing the device into the depths of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool where it would “never, ever be found.”

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