New York, NY—

President Donald Trump’s newest legal team addition is Rudy Giuliani, and Mr. Giuliani has reportedly promised Trump he has a fool-proof plan to end the Mueller investigation once and for all.

A draft of Giuliani’s plan was leaked anonymously this morning to The Halfway Post, and is published in its entirety below:

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The Fool-Proof Giuliani Plan To Infiltrate Bob Mueller’s Special Investigation And Sabotage It From Within

Dress up like a hooker with big fake boobs, bigger then ever! Frolic about outside the FBI field office in downtown Manhattan for several days to gain MUELLER’s attention. Rush into the field office on D-DAY to offer an allegation that PRESIDENT TRUMP sexually assaulted me last year, play the victim while charming MUELLER. Come back the next day (D-DAY+1) and plant more fake accusations, and gain MUELLER’s trust. Disclose RESTAURANT GIFT CARD and two (2) MOVIE TICKETS to the steamiest romantic comedy currently playing in theaters, convince MUELLER to accompany me. Cross-dress the sluttiest I have ever cross-dressed before, and accompany MUELLER to dinner and movie. In the theater, grab hold of MUELLER’s hand and make out during the film’s steamy climax—NOTE: let him get to second base, but NO FURTHER! Must play hard to get to entice MUELLER to accompany me home, and must not give away my ruse prematurely. Convince Mueller to walk me home and entice him to come upstairs for “coffee.” Hit “record” on secret, hidden FILMING DEVICE, and gradually escalate romantic tension until intercourse. If things go well, continue the relationship until MUELLER can be convinced to end the investigation into Russian-collusion with an ultimatum: the investigation or ME! Or make COPIES of the secret recordings for blackmail purposes and break MUELLER’s heart while ending his career. Success! TRUMP is saved!

(REMINDER: KEEP ONE (1) EXTRA COPY OF THE SEXUAL LIASON FOR PERSONAL USES.)

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