Hello! I’m sharing this with you as I appreciate you in my life and would like your support in my next journey. I am transgender. This means I’ve spent most of my life struggling against various issues related to being a woman while obviously not looking like one. I recently came to terms with this and will be transitioning.

In short, the only thing I expect from you is to remember that I am now named Elizabeth (I prefer Elle (pronounced “L”)) and that my pronouns are she/her. I know you will mess this up for a little while and that’s **OK**. If you’re reading this post, you are important to me and you have likely been used to using my former name. It has been a few decades of my former name for me, I have messed up too. Just quickly correct yourself (no need to apologize) and move forward. All I expect is an honest effort to use the correct name and pronouns in all situations (yes, even if I’m not around.)

For any weird situations, I still prefer you refer to me with my proper pronouns/name regardless — though I understand that can get awkward especially when talking about history and slip ups happen. I would say that I can’t think of any reasons to use he/him or my former name when talking about me (past, present, or future tense) after January 1st.

See below for an FAQ if you have questions. Obviously, feel free to reach out to me via whatever platform you have available if you have questions not covered by the FAQ or just want to talk with me. I would much rather answer any question than have you make an uninformed assumption, not to mention I would love to spend time with you!

Trans rights are human rights. Trans women are women and trans men are men.

Am I losing a (insert your relation to me)?

Honestly, the important thing to realize is that I’ve always been a woman. I have memories of being frustrated with my masculine body even before puberty and have spent an hour or more a day wishing I was a girl for most of my life. Basically, what I’m saying is that you’re just gaining a deeper understanding of me and I’m still the same person I’ve been my whole life — just happier. I still care about you in the same way I always have, and the only way you could lose me is through your own choices.

Why didn’t you come out to me in person?/You already came out to me?

I’ve come to realize coming out in person puts a lot of stress on both myself and the person I’m talking to. It also leaves some people at different points in the process depending on when I lose my nerve and wimp out. I didn’t feel like this was fair to the people I’m most scared of coming out to as they wound up with the smallest picture of what I’m talking about. This post gives everyone the same baseline of what‘s up and makes sure I don’t miss something. If you’re sad I didn’t come out to you in person, please reach out to me — I’d love to schedule coffee, lunch, etc and while I hate talking on the phone extensively I absolutely will do that for you if anything in person doesn’t work.

Is there anything I can do to help you now?

The main thing you can do to support me is use my name and pronouns and encourage those around you to do so as well. Something really simple is to change my contact name in your phone! A few specific things: if you are a woman and there’s a typical feminine experience I missed out on that you can help me understand, I’d love to hear about it! Advice on how to deal with this awkward hair length is also greatly appreciated. If you think there’s something you could help me with or you just want to express general support, I absolutely would love to hear from you! ❤

Why should I use your name/pronouns when you’re not around?

If you respect me as a person, you will use my name and pronouns even when I’m not around. Not doing so implies that you are only indulging me and you don’t think this is real. Obviously, I am not willing or able to police your language. Think and say whatever you would like, but misgendering and misnaming me is hurtful and I wouldn’t like to deal with someone doing that to anyone else. Not to mention, as I begin to look like the woman I am it will get very awkward if someone doesn’t know my history.

How do you know you’re trans?/When did you “become” trans?

I’d say that there’s a preponderance of evidence, I wouldn’t really feel comfortable transitioning if there was one piece of evidence that everything hinged upon. The biggest evidence has been how much happier I’ve been since beginning the process. For me, committing to this had to be similar to collecting evidence for a trial and I feel like I’m beyond a reasonable doubt.

But I never saw anything, there were no signs!

There were many signs throughout the years that I believe I’ve hidden from people (even those close to me) but they added up very quickly in my head. Chief among those signs was that I picked my name in 2005. You’d think that would have given the game away, but I can be pretty thick. I don’t feel like it’s good for my health to dive too deep into the thousands of other examples that have tormented me since realizing, but suffice it to say that if you haven’t seen this coming then I’m vaguely proud of, if disgusted by, my cover up.

Why did you wait until now?

I wish I hadn’t. Honestly, I had some health issues and wound up realizing I was more depressed than I had believed. I couldn’t really true that up with my perception of my life — I loved my job, my partner, my dog, my hobbies — pretty much everything was good. Why was I so depressed? I did some soul searching and reading and stumbled over a story from a trans woman choosing her name that I identified with pretty hard and suddenly all of the years of struggles snapped into place and my life came into focus. I felt like I had this pile of trans stuff in the corner of my mind and, over the years, every time I did/felt/thought something that I couldn’t true with my gender I threw it on that pile. When I stumbled over the realization that I had already picked a woman’s name for myself, the rest of the pile collapsed and that avalanche swept over me. It took me almost a month to process this and now I remember more about my life than I ever have in my past. It’s been a unique experience.

What do you mean “transition”? What is the process?

Well, so far it’s primarily changing my grooming habits and wardrobe, plus changing my name and pronouns outside of work. I recently started hormone therapy and I will be having my facial hair removed. Surgery is a ways off if I do decide to do anything. The only reason to do anything related to transition is to make myself more comfortable/happy so anything that scares me too much doesn’t have to happen. Surgery is a big deal, and always carries risk and I won’t be committing to anything that I’m not comfortable with. Women come in all shapes and sizes, so there’s nothing forcing me into any procedure. In general, asking about transgendered people’s surgeries can be a bit disrespectful as it can imply that not wanting/not getting some surgery makes you less trans or less of a woman (or man for trans men.)

I think I might also be trans? / I have a friend who is closeted.

Please reach out (or direct your friend) to me! I would love to help you out. If that’s too scary, I highly recommend finding a therapist and checking out egg_irl and asktransgender on reddit. Know that I’m here if you need to talk and I love my trans brothers and sisters. Please do not out your closeted friend to me, provide them this post and let them make contact through medium or email (my email is the same as my medium username at gmail.com).

Are you getting what you need (healthcare/etc)?

I have been doing therapy since early November and that has helped me organize my thoughts a lot. I changed to a primary care provider that was marked as trans-friendly through my insurance and she is really great. I wish electrolysis/laser was covered by insurance as my facial hair is a serious source of distress and I have cut myself pretty badly trying to get rid of it.

Are you trans because ($something/$notsomething)?

Nope, I don’t think there’s anything that would change this. The only thing anything/anyone could have changed is when I realized I was trans, not the fact that I am trans.

Is there anything I could have done to help you in the past?

Honestly, I don’t think there’s a lot to be gained from dwelling in the past. The 90’s and 00’s were a fairly transphobic time and I don’t think one person would have made a difference in my process. If you’re interested in this more for future generations — I think the best thing you can do for others is find them positive role models in non-conforming gender identities and avoid shaming non-conforming behaviors. I try to take the extra step and support transgender positive entertainment as I think if I’d had more positive examples earlier in my life I may have realized this was a concern for me earlier.

How will this impact your work?

I have talked to quite a few people in management and am pretty sure there’s little likelihood that my work will be negatively impacted. My strength at work has always been being social as an IT professional and being comfortable and happy can only help that.

What is an appropriate way to compliment you?

If something I’m wearing is awesome, I did really well on my makeup or my hair is really looking good, I’d love a compliment! Effects of hormones, surgery, electrolysis or just my general body shape are a little odd unless I specifically seek out comments.

How do inform you if you’re doing something awkward, revealing, etc?

Discreetly, probably via a text based chat. If it’s critical, feel free to pull me aside.

Will you stop (behavior $y) or start (behavior $x)?

Maybe? I’d say that some things are unnecessarily gendered and I like what I like. However, my preferences have changed for smaller reasons (I recently started liking olives somehow?) and I could easily see them changing as part of this. One thing that absolutely will change is how aggressively anti-social I have been with friends and family. I think a lot of that was discomfort with myself and I have been enjoying getting back in contact with people I care about.

Is this the kind of thing that’s off the table for jokes?

Some of my friends (and me, let’s be honest here) enjoy inappropriate jokes, frequently at the expense of someone in the group and that can be pretty fun. I’d say any joke that relies on misgendering or misnaming me isn’t a great joke. In general, I still love joking around and will continue to be the butt of jokes I’m sure, but transgender jokes seem better as self-deprecating humor— telling them about yourself can be pretty funny, but if you’re picking on a transgender person, it can be hard to know where a joke stops and bullying begins. Stick to safe topics like religion, politics, and money.

Are you doing this because you want to date me/someone else?

(Apparently this is a common reaction from my reading online?)

No. Honestly, I don’t want to date anyone right now.

Bathrooms?!?!? Locker rooms?!?!?!

So, this has become a major conservative/anti-trans talking point and is a little frustrating. I mostly avoid the bathroom. There have already been times when I have been uncomfortable/unwelcome in the men’s room but I feel awkward in the ladies’ room. I make detours for single stall/gender neutral bathrooms and haven’t gotten a gym membership as dealing with a locker room seems like too much stress right now. I’d say my plan is to begin using the ladies room when absolutely needed when I’m fully out as the stalls leave me less exposed. IDK, I just need to pee sometimes, I’ve tried stopping but it just keeps happening!