WASHINGTON—In an encouraging sign for the nation’s most irresponsible parents, a report published Monday by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has found the cost of raising neglected children remains at a historic low. “While the overall cost of living has continued to rise, negligent child-rearing has shown no corresponding increase, with the price of leaving your kids home alone for a couple nights while you skip out of town to a Native American casino staying almost completely flat,” read a section of the report, which also cited the continued affordability of failing to enroll your children in intramural sports leagues because you’re too loaded to drive to practice. “For those who would rather indulge themselves than invest in their kids’ education, hobbies, or doctor’s appointments, the cost of caring for a child is little more than the monthly price of a cable TV package, which they can tell their son or daughter to sit down in front of for hours on end while they’re out on the town.” The report reminded negligent parents that the cost savings are even higher the sooner they are able to have their kids forcibly removed by Child Protective Services.

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