Is this a good time to declare war? Should you prioritize power plants or science labs this year? Do you wish you could see into the future better than the average psychic? Then look no further, because I’m here to teach you about space horoscopes.

Hello friend. My name is Fõll O’Chit and I am a scientist*(1) with a whopping -80% anomaly fail risk.*(2)

How is that possible you wonder? Well, it is really quite simple. You see, my field of expertise is astrology and I have spent many years *(3) studying the stars up close.

But first, I hear you asking, what exactly is astrology?

Astrology is the entirely scientific*(4) study of how celestial bodies*(5) that are really, really far away can affect tiny details in xeno's everyday lives depending on their time of hatching*(6), and how we can monetize xeno's strong convictions that their misfortunes are not the result of their own actions, but something that they have no control over.

It is commonplace for stone and iron age civilizations to worship large objects in the sky, and as an astrologist it is my job to find a modern application of this ancient wisdom.*(7)

One such application is the horoscope, a sort of mass-produced personal foretelling. By examining the night sky it is possible to predict*(8) the possible outcomes of a given xeno’s everyday struggles and give advice to help them make wise decisions.*(9) Sadly, the process of actually making a horoscope is very complex, time consuming and often far more than the hard working molluscoid hermaphrodite can afford to spare.

This is why I wrote “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space”, an affordable handbook for the aspiring astrologist (now available at most Trader Enclaves.)

Check out a sample of the helpful guidance my book offers below: