If I’ve learned anything since the election it’s this: human existence is split into the Real World and the Screen World.

The Real World is amazing! People eat together. They laugh with their mouths. Museums, books, hugs, sex, high-fives! It’s a wonderful place, if you get a chance to go. Bucket list!

The Screen World, on the other hand, is horrible. We live in the Screen World through our laptops, phones, and the flat-screen TVs that line the walls of offices, apartments, bars, train stations, airports, cafes, gyms and more!

We’re told to live in the Screen World because we have to be aware of The Thing that’s going to kill us tomorrow, possibly. Weird thing is, when you eject yourself from the Screen World, you’ll notice that the Real World hasn’t changed.

My takeaway? If you leave the Screen World, life is worth living!

Here, look! I’m enjoying real life.

Portrait of the author as a Real World man.

Whoops! Here’s me going to the Screen World!

Terrible!

I’ll never escape this endless hell-scape! I must stop the bad people and the only way to do it is to donate to every charity. OK! I’ll do whatever it takes to stop the evil!

How much money does it cost to stop the evil? $100 a month? $500 a month? Done! OK, so I’m currently donating all my income to 200 charities. Wait! Let’s leave the screen world and do a puzzle!

A puzzle!

Wow! Look at that! I did a puzzle! Took me a while, but it was satisfying and it challenged my brain. I feel fulfilled and I also got to have a nice conversation with my friends about wine.

Did you know that people spit wine into buckets before drinking it? Pretty odd that those people are considered fancy. Man, I love life!

Uh oh! I went to the Screen World again.

Pointing!

WHAT!? Osama Bin Laden is alive and Trump’s making him Attorney General?! I must act. Where do I buy guns? I must have at least 12 guns on my person for the next civil war that I’m positive will happen in 2017.

OK. Wow. Breathe.

Let’s leave and have a some pizza.

Pizza obtained!

Pepperoni. Mozzarella. Mushrooms. Tomato sauce. All on a thin crust.

Feel that crunch and let the wonderful jubilee of flavors dance in your mouth. Food is great! Every day on this Earth is a beautiful gift. I can’t wait to tell my friends about the best pizza pie in New York City!

Dang nabbit! I accidentally entered Screen World without thinking!

An actual headline.

I can’t escape. How to fight this injustice? The only choice is stealthy violence. I will become a vigilante. Batman.

OK, must make a Batman suit and start digging a batcave. Who will be my Robin? Doesn’t matter. They’ll probably end up an enemy. Everybody is potentially an enemy...

... just like the Screen World says.