Today’s Jam

I am planning to return home for the summer after an amazing year of study and travel in Israel on a gap-year program, where I have developed a deeper love of Judaism and taken on more traditional ritual observances. Not only do I now feel comfortable keeping kashrut and Shabbat, I could hardly imagine doing otherwise. The issue is that my parents do not keep a kosher home, and I worry that they will be insulted if I suggest that we buy a second set of dishes or make other ritual changes in our home. Among the most meaningful values I have learned during my year in Israel is “kibud av va’em” — honoring one’s father and mother. Do you have a suggestion for how I might honor my parents and my new religious commitments?



Rabbi Daniel Landes says…



Congratulations on refusing to give up on either value system. Nonetheless, it is important to consider the values inherent in kashrut itself:

Kindness: “Do not seethe a kid in its mother’s milk” (Exodus 23:19) says it all.

Consideration: Kosher slaughter by “s’chitah” enables the bird or beast to die quietly.

Restraint: The many laws and restrictions are paradigmatic of not putting our hedonistic impulses first, but of learning to control our desires to please ourselves.

Compromise: Ultimately, these Jewish concerns should lead to a vegetarian orientation, but as Rav Kook pointed out many years ago, it is a difficult public policy to maintain. Kashrut is the next best thing, though as he stated, “the covering of the blood” after s’chitah with dirt is the equivalent of a “murder confession.”

Restoration: Your reclaiming of kashrut is a form of restoration of a sacred practice of your ancestors.

The values of kindness, consideration, restraint, compromise and restoration (tikkun) should guide your observance of kashrut in your parents’ home. Practical steps: First, seek out an appointment with a local talmid chacham (Jewish scholar) who can avail you of leniencies in the law. There are many. While you may properly wish to adhere strictly to kashrut when you establish your own home, in this case inclusion of your family necessitates leniencies.

Second, go to Crate & Barrel and buy a few cheap but decent dishes on sale; this will help provide you with a sense of dignity. Further, buy some metalware, two good knives and a few plastic pads, for the sink and for drying. Aluminum foil will be a godsend for covering and double-wrapping food in a nonkosher oven.

Transparency is also crucial in this situation. Talk the matter over with your parents and siblings and ask them for a small corner of the kitchen work area, to prepare food; a shelf on which to store your stuff; and designated space in the refrigerator for your perishables. Shop with your family and prepare a Shabbat meal for them. In addition to all of these virtues, a sense of humor is crucial here, as is the knowledge that something will go wrong!

Rabbi Daniel Landes has been Director of Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem for the past eighteen years. Before that he was founding faculty member of the Simon Wiesenthal Center and Yeshiva of Los Angeles, and rabbi at B’nai David–Judea Congregation. Rabbi Landes blogs at The Times of Israel. Click here to read more.

