Only week one, but heaven knows how much more of the torrid Mel Brown/Stephen Belafonte marriage breakdown we can take.

Already there are enough sordid details to fuel a year’s worth of EastEnders plots, including alleged mutual perversions, bruises, domestic violence, sex tapes, blackmail, threesomes, wild accusations and even — here comes the double bill Christmas special — a possible nanny impregnation.

Sex with the nanny? How low can a man go?

The former Spice Girl has been granted a temporary restraining order against her estranged husband, a sometime Hollywood producer who apparently pretends that he is the son of entertainer Harry Belafonte, which he is not.

Mel B claims her estranged husband Stephen Belafonte repeatedly degraded her by treating their child’s glamorous German nanny Lorraine Gilles, pictured with the former Spice Girl, like his wife

His criminal record, detailed in the court papers, includes a 2003 conviction for domestic violence against the mother of his first child. He’s a real catch, isn’t he?

Mel B claims that he repeatedly degraded her by treating their child’s glamorous German nanny like his wife, pointing out that Lorraine Gilles was also ‘younger and better looking’.

If girl power ever really existed, it appears to have curled up and died right on the mat at Mel B’s front door. It would be magnificently ironic, were it not so sad.

When photographs emerged of Miss Gilles — whose sister denies she was ever sexually involved with either Brown or her husband — many wondered at the logic of employing such a va-voom bombshell to look after the children while skipping around the house in her Daisy Dukes. Surely it was asking for trouble?

Lorraine was 20, voluptuous, slim, tanned and blonde. Your basic nightmare.

Wise hands like to suggest the perfect, husband-proof nanny would be someone who didn’t mind 16-hour shifts, tantrums, clearing up geysers of kiddy vomit and — important detail! — who also looked like a cross between Mrs Doubtfire and a Transit van.

Nannies should have calf hairs poking through their 120 denier tights, a permanent scowl and chapped hands from bleaching nappies in the sluice room.

They should be crisp and efficient like Mary Poppins, and not complain about being forced to do all the ironing in their downtime.

On no account should they, like Lorraine, go hiking in a bikini or look like a freshly hatched goddess over the breakfast table every morning. That way your marriage will be safe.

Enough sordid details have emerged about the former couple, pictured, to fuel a year’s worth of EastEnders plots, writes Jan Moir

Or will it?

Perhaps nannies should know better, but surely these young women are more sinned against than sinning? For I can’t help but think it is big bad daddy who is mostly at fault here.

The tempted are always more culpable than the tempting. So gentlemen, please take a tip from me.

A good rule of life is never to do anything Jude Law does, from wearing drop-crotch trousers and I’m-not-bald pork pie hats, to getting a Beatles lyric tattooed on your arm to yes, sleeping with the nanny when your hot fiancee Sienna Miller is not around and you feel slightly frisky.

Back in 2005, Jude issued a public apology for having an affair with his children’s 26-year-old nanny Daisy Wright, but neither his relationship nor his reputation survived the affair.

I like to call this The Nanny’s Curse. It is what happens when rich, powerful and famous men use their status to sleep with the hired help in their own homes — and we never think so fondly of them again.

Ben Affleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ethan Hawke are three big-name actors whose status was forever diminished by reports they had sex with the help (although in Arnie’s case it was the housekeeper).

I can barely bring myself to look at The Voice judge Gavin Rossdale, who was kicked out by his pop star wife Gwen Stefani after an alleged three-year affair with the nanny of their three young sons in 2015.

There is a special place in hell for daddies who sleep with nannies — because daddies who sleep with nannies are bad, bad men.

It is awful enough that the brutes cheat on their wives or partners in the first place.

Yet to be unfaithful with the nanny, the person charged with looking after the children in the heart of the family home, a position of trust and responsibility over those you love most dearly, well. What a double dagger into mummy’s heart.

Not only is she heartbroken, she feels stupid because it was happening all the time, right under her nose.

The family nest has been fouled for ever, by those she thought she could trust.

The sister of Miss Gilles, pictured left with Mel B on holiday in Ibiza in July 2016, denies she ever had an affair with Belafonte

Husbands sleeping with nannies? It is the biggest marital cliche in the book; lazy, selfish and self-indulgent.

Whether they are famous or not, whether like Belafonte they are married to celebrities or not, whether the nanny is gorgeous or plain, their reputations never recover.

These men proved themselves to be so weak and so tacky, so needy and pathetic. Most need nannying themselves. Not in that way.

In the meantime, we have to recalibrate our thoughts about Scary Spice, now feverishly rebranding herself as Scared Out Of Her Wits Spice — a woman trapped in a sex-drenched marriage-a-trois by an abusive husband she feared.

It’s a stretch, but we are getting there.

Is this charity or a selfish own-goal?

The British public is incredibly good-hearted and generous, but why do celebrities and sports stars think we’re stupid?

I’ve never understood their fondness for holding extravagant balls to raise charity funds.

Why is it so vital to have fun at the expense of others, instead of just donating some of their vast salaries in the first place?

And how much actually goes to the charities? It has emerged that footballer Saido Berahino’s foundation failed to pass on funds raised at a 2015 event for WaterAid.

It has emerged that ex-West Bromwich Albion striker Saido Berahino's (pictured) foundation failed to pass on funds raised at a 2015 event for WaterAid

The charity claims it has ‘not received any money’ from a glitzy dinner the Stoke City striker hosted in Mayfair in May 2015, attended by model-turned-presenter Vogue Williams and other stars.

The new agent of the ex-West Brom striker declined to comment — very charitable — because the WaterAid ball was arranged by the 23-year-old’s previous representatives. It was shortly after the footballer was in the news for all the wrong reasons.

He was pictured using a ‘legal high’ and admitted a drink-driving offence. The charity event was clearly seen as a quick fix to get good headlines and burnish his bad boy reputation.

What a shabby affair. Another celeb using the carapace of charity for their favourite cause — themselves.

Till we meet again, Kath...

Tra la la, tra la le, let’s sing once more about Katherine Jenkins and me.

Our Kath, as she is known by absolutely no one, once said she nearly gave up singing because I had been so mean about her.

Katherine Jenkins, pictured, opens in Carousel tonight at the London Coliseum

Shame on me! Now I wish I’d been even more horrid and saved everyone the agony of her version of We’ll Gather Lilacs on her 2014 album, Home Sweet Home.

Tonight Kath opens in Carousel at London’s Coliseum. Sadly my broomstick is ready and I’m leaving town tonight, so I can’t be there to cheer her on.

Or to check if it is really true that she has demanded the number one dressing room despite Alfie Boe taking the leading role of Billy Bigelow in the Rodgers and Hammerstein show.

Or that she reportedly wants to take the final bow, an honour usually reserved for the star.

I would expect nothing less from my favourite diva — even if it is Mr Boe who is the big name in the West End, not her.

Poor Alfie! No doubt his life is a misery right now.

Yet in the musical, it’s his character who sings the show-stopping number, Soliloquy — which is nearly eight minutes long and guaranteed to bring the house down.

Audiences will know who the real star is. And so will I, when I go to see the show in a few weeks.

Till then, Katherine my lovely. Till then.

Wear an old frock? Be my guest!

Life is so much easier if you are a man. Oh yes it is! Men can wear the same boring old suit to wedding after wedding, and no one bats an eye.

If a woman dares to wear the same outfit twice, cue Bridezilla meltdown.

Over on the wilds of Mumsnet, a woman this week details her despair at being criticised by her cousin for turning up to a relative’s wedding in the same outfit she had worn to two previous family nuptials. Was she in the wrong? NO!

If a woman dares to wear the same outfit twice to a wedding, cue Bridezilla meltdown (file picture)

Isn’t it is charming of her to keep turning up, considering she is probably sick of poached salmon, speeches and Uncle Geoffrey’s traditional post-toast leering?

Weddings are expensive affairs for everyone. Not all guests can afford a fresh fright-sight fascinator and something new in lilac shantung silk for each event.

Look at Princess Anne, who’d recycle horse blankets into frocks, if she could get away with it.

Surely the most important thing is the marriage, not judging whether or not the outfits chosen by your guests are up to scratch? Gah! Sometimes I loathe brides.

Hope and the agony of little Charlie's parents

One can only imagine the agony of the parents of Charlie Gard, Chris and Connie.

Their baby son has a mitochondrial disease which saps energy from his organs and muscles and has left him blind, deaf, with little brain function and unable to breathe without a ventilator.

His lungs will never work properly and his prognosis is not good. Charlie is a tiny scrap of humanity, eight months old but barely alive.

Doctors at Great Ormond Street Hospital say there is no cure, and believe it would be kinder to switch off the ventilator and let him die peacefully.

His parents have other ideas. They have found a U.S. doctor willing to treat Charlie, although there are no promises.

Chris Gard, left, and Connie Yates, right, are fighting to get baby son Charlie treated in the US for a disease which has left him blind, deaf and with little brain function

The eight-month-old's (pictured) lungs will never be able to function properly and doctors at Great Ormond Street Hospital say there is no cure

Eighty-thousand people, including a great number of Mail readers, have raised £1.2 million to cover the costs of taking him to America for the treatment.

The case is now in the High Court, as doctors and parents battle over what is right for him.

The UK doctors have been accused of harshness, by describing Charlie’s parents in emails as the ‘spanner in the works’ and that they are ‘holding up’ proceedings.

Perhaps their language could have been more temperate. Yet I think the bigger crime is to foster hope where there is none, or little.

To encourage parents to travel thousands of miles and spend a huge sum they haven’t got in the hunt for a cure that may not exist seems crueller.

And one has to wonder about medical centres in far-flung spots who encourage the parents of desperately ill children to think they might be able not just to extend their children’s lives by a few months, but to make them better.

The impulse for mums and dads to do something for gravely ill children is understandable.

However, if there is limited time left, might it not be better to focus on their remaining quality of life together?