Sometimes the universe aligns and things happen in the most perfect way. The weather gives you a great hair day on the day you see your ex. Your barista accidentally gives you a venti when you ordered a grande. You remember to wear your rainboots and it actually rains that day. Things work out better than you could have ever imagined. Then, other times, it’s like higher beings look down on us and think, “I’m sick of working. Just put that playground next to that landfill.” And then your dude thinks it’s okay to try and stick it in your butt.

It’s a sick, sick joke putting things up there. I’m sure plenty of ladies out there have experimented and found it to be a pleasurable experience, but there is still that looming thought that it’s INSIDE your butt. Nothing scares a girl quite like mentioning taking the dirt road. It doesn’t matter how often we hear it works–we will still be terrified. Most of the reasons for it are pretty normal. The standard “poop is gross” works about 90 percent of the time, but that remaining 10 is where we really let our minds wander.