Back on the grid, blogging for the first time as a married man. The dust has settled, the 10 day honeymoon across the Mediterranean and the Amalfi Coast is over, all the weight I lost for the wedding I put right back on after dining at Michelin starred restaurants all over the South of Italy, and most importantly the photographer released her pictures. People Magazine reached out to me with a $2 million dollar offer for the photographs but I said fuck that. I’m a man of the people. Release them for free, give the people what they way. I mean I got married for love, not for profit. Let Clooney do that tacky shit and sell his photos. Not me.

And so naturally its time for another installment of “Grade KFC’s Wedding Dance Moves.” Above you’ll see the first edition of this feature, circa 2010. That was when I first set the world on fire with the moves. Flooded every girl’s basement. Women wanted me, men wanted to be me.

Now its 2014 and its time to grade the moves from my own wedding. 4 years older, hair longer, a bit skinny-fattier, tux sharper, but the same old fire on the d-floor:

White guy snap + “Whoaa whoaa!” lyrics = A+

White guy get low while rapping = A plus

Sunglasses prop on point, mid white guy clap = A++

I’m so fancy…

…you already knowww. Both A fucking +

Mingle with the guests, laughing with the bridesmaids. Stud. A double plus

Put the glasses back on Kevin! Things are getting lazy! Still though – A+

You see this? This right here is the Art of Seduction. Me and my boy just putting out the vibe. I’m surprised I didn’t consummate the marriage right there on the spot.

Sober as a priest still killing the White Guy Point. Thats an A+.

After party sobriety game on a hundred thousand trillion. Take a guess? Yea thats right. A++++.

Overall Grade: Whats better than A+?

PS – I gotta hand it to my photographer Sarah. She captured this action shot of Big Cat that might deserve a Pulitzer:

Everybody enjoying a little makeshift jump rope until the hefty fella from Barstool comes along and stomps out all the fun. Grey suit, brown shoes, black ankle socks, technicolor tie, ruining the party. Reminds me of when Frank The Tank got hit with the tranq dart in Old School and stumbles his way through the children’s birthday party knocking kids and tables over leaving a path of destruction in his wake.