WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her controversial and adversarial remarks regarding the media, press corps reporters united Friday to warn Sarah Huckabee Sanders that her veiled accusations and outright untruths were doing deep, untold harm to America and the results were selling like fucking hotcakes. “Secretary Sanders, the pattern of distrust you and the president have established towards the constitutionally protected practice of the First Amendment is eroding Americans’ faith in their nation’s most fundamental institutions, and we’ll be goddamned if people aren’t eating it right the hell up,” said NBC’s Kasie Hunt, who cautioned Sanders that she was in danger of going down in history as the press secretary who spread discord among the American people, threatened the free press, and waged war on freedom of in speech in general, all of which have grown readership like nobody’s business. “Each day that you stand behind the podium and call the press the enemy of the American people is another day you corrode the fundamental trust at the heart of democracy’s basic social contract, and also another deadline where we can just record what you say verbatim, print it, and beat our circulation goals by 35 percent.” Immediately following her statement, Hunt was drowned out by other members of the White House press corps fighting to thank Sanders for keeping their respective publications in the black.

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