Quote THURSDAY MORNING EMPEROR’S WRATH

the mundane and ordinary life of an average light side female sith warrior





The time was 10:01am standard, and Malavai Quinn hit the button that opened the door to the personal quarters of the Emperor’s Wrath.

It didn’t do anything.

Because the door was already open.

It also had the Wrath’s robe in it. There was a trail of her clothing leading from the ship’s disembarkation ramp at the rear to her quarters.

Malavai cleared his throat to make a noise, which was answered in kind with a thrown black silk pillow in his general direction.

“Apologies my lord, but you left standing orders to wake you at ten-hundred hours.”

The Wrath grumbled into her pillow. “What time is it now?”

“10:01, my lord.” Quinn replied.

“And where was I last night, Captain?” The Wrath mumbled.

“My lord was in a Nar Shaddaa dive bar engaged in a drinking contest with Lieutenant Pierce, my lord.” Quinn said.

“And who won?” The Wrath replied.

“I believe you did my lord, although it was on the 7th round of Hutt Tequila.” Quinn adjusted his uniform collar.

“And, when Hutt Tequila was involved, did I not mention that standing orders for wake-up protocols were rescinded?” The Wrath rolled over in her bed and readied herself for another daring pillow-related assault.

“No my lord, you never gave any such order.” Quinn gulped.

There was indistinguishable grumbling into the pillow.

“Malavai, you are up for promotion-” She said.

“You honor me, my lord.” Quinn interjected.

“To the rank of Boyfriend. Your duties in this new office include servicing your lord carnally, and NOT WAKING HER UP WHEN SHE HAS A HANGOVER. If you are found in dereliction of these duties, you will be courtmartialed, broken up with, and shot out of the airlock. Do I make myself clear?” The Wrath moaned.

“Yes... Yes, at once my lord.” Quinn kicked The Wrath’s robe out of the way of the door and closed it.



The Wrath laid in bed for the better part of another half hour, thinking to herself.

Why did I let Pierce order Hutt Tequila?

Why am I even attracted to Malavai?

It occurred to her, looking around the room, that she had no idea where her pants were. She had no idea if there was even a drawer on her ship that had pants in it, everything on the Sith Fury was black, grey, or had a red blinking light.

Oh that’s why I date him. Organizational skills.



The Wrath eventually rolled out of her bed with all the grace of a sick nerf, found her robe on the floor, put it on, and staggered out of her room into the common area.

“Morning, my lord. Congratulations on your victory last night.” The lieutenant grinned.

“Shut up.” The Wrath replied. “Go do that thing I always tell you to do whenever you’re not out shooting people.”

“Right away my lord. Would that be slicing missions or having one-nighters with you in the cargo hold?” Pierce chuckled.

“I’m still to drunk to f- OH MY GOD TELL ME WE DIDN’T.” She yelled.

“No, that was last month. You staggered onto the ship and fell into bed.” Pierce reported.

“Oh thank Lucasfilm. That was a one time thing, okay? You’re not dating material. I’m not going to do the whole boyfriend thing with you. I mean, dismissed. Yea. Go do things while I sit here and sober up.” The Wrath flopped down on the couch.

I’m not THAT cheap. I’m a classy Sith Lord. I mean, I wouldn’t sleep with Pierce again unless there was like a really good reason, like if Malavai betrayed me, or something.

No sooner did Pierce leave than Jaesa came into the room.

“My lord, I must speak with you, is it safe?” She asked.

“That depends, did your Jedi masters teach you any hangover cures that worked?” The Wrath replied.

“No... My lord, Jedi don’t drink. At least not until they cut off their padawan braids.” Jaesa explained.

“No wonder they’re all so useless in a fight.” The Wrath observed.

“My lord, please. I’ve found another Light sided Sith. Can we aid them?”

Sigh, being light sided sure is a pain in the *** sometimes. This girl really stretches it.

“I dunno Jaesa, do we have to do this right now? I kind of have a headache.”

“But my lord,” Jaesa squealed. “He could be discovered at any moment!”

“Fine. Call him up and tell him he can sleep on the couch. But no pets. If he’s cute, you can keep him.” The Wrath sighed.

“Keep him, master? I’m not sure I understand.” Jaesa blushed.

“You could use a boy-toy, loosen you up a bit.” The Wrath mumbled.

“I don’t... follow, master.” Jaesa insisted.

No surprise there. I wonder what she would have been like if I told her to embrace the dark side? She’d probably go off the deep end and end up being a romance option for a male player.

Jaesa left, confused.

“Hey go get me a class 4 lockbox or something!” The Wrath yelled back at her, and then started mumbling at the droid.

“2V-R8, coffee. Black. get your metal *** in gear or I swear by all the powers of Industrial Light and Magic I’ll deactivate you so fast your batteries will spin.”

“Yes my lord!” The droid piped up, then came back shortly with coffee.

“Does it please my lord?” The droid asked.

“Yea, shut up. Go do slicing missions.” The Wrath sipped her coffee.

“A TASK! JUST FOR ME? OH THANK, YOU MASTER!”



The Wrath sat and drank coffee for awhile and clicked the holo on to see what was on the TiVo. She was very disappointed to see that someone had deleted the Huttball match she wanted to watch, and replaced it with Corelia Shore. Slowly, while she watched Shookiee the wookiee get drunk and tangle her hair extensions, her hangover abated. She turned the holo off after The Sithuation gained a cheap 50 dark side points by telling Shookiee’s mate that they had hooked up.



It occurred to The Wrath that she had been a jerk that morning and that she ought to go apologize. She thought about saying she was sorry to Quinn.

Screw that. I don’t want him to get any ideas that its ok to wake me up after I’ve been drinking. He needs to learn some boyfriend instinct.

She thought she should apologize to Jaesa.

What? Why?

SHE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO JAESA.

Oh right, Light side 5. Gotta get those relics. Fine.

Jaesa was meditating in the medbay, which was pretty typical for her.

“Hey, Jaesa, did you get in touch with that Sith good guy?” The Wrath asked.

“Oh, uh, he hasn’t called back yet.” Jaesa replied.

“Well did he have a cute bu- I MEAN, hey, I’m sorry I said those things about you an hour ago. That was mean.” The Wrath apologized.

“I don’t understand, Master? What mean things?” Jaesa was confused.

The Wrath didn’t know what to think.

“So, Jaesa, when you were in the Jedi academy, was there ever a boy padawan that you liked, like more than a friend?” The Wrath asked.

“Nope.” Jaesa shrugged.

This is going to make a lot more sense when Bioware gives us same-sex romance options. The Wrath thought.

“Alright, I’m going to see what Vette is up too!” And then, before Jaesa could say anything awkward, The Wrath left the room.



“Hey Vette!” The Wrath greeted her former slave.

“Oh, hi my lord.” She said. “Didn’t think you’d be up this early.”

“Yea, me neither... Quinn woke me up. Jerk. Oh hey, that reminds me- You know that thing you do that really annoys him?”

“You mean when I do my impression of that admiral that screwed up his career?” Vette chuckled.

“Yea, that. Do that today. Like a lot. Do it for me.” The Wrath said.

Then she remembered she was going for Light Side 5.

Nope.

THEN SHE REMEMBERED SHE WAS GOING FOR LIGHT SIDE 5

Scrub it off with Diplomacy.

FINE.

“Of course, my lord.” Vette obliged.

“Oh and god dammit, how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me ‘my lord’? You’re like my best friend.” The Wrath insisted.

“Sorry my lord. Force of habit. Sith business, Grr! Argh!” She gestured.

“Oh come on, we’re not that bad.” The Wrath pouted. “They talk up the whole ‘kill everyone else’ thing at the academy a lot, but it’s not really that evil. We had extracurricular programs and everything. I was on a volleyball team. The Kor’slugs. We were the champions of the Korriban All Sith girls volleyball league.”

“Really?” Vette laughed.

“I used to have the trophy but I vendored it for credits on Tatooine to buy a new lightsaber hilt.” The Wrath shrugged.

“Oh hey, are we going to that Sith Formal on saturday night?” Vette asked.

“Eh... I dunno. I’ve got nothing to wear and I kind of want to lose 5 pounds. My Sith pants feel a little tighter than usual lately.” The Wrath shrugged.

“You want to borrow one of my little black dresses?” Vette offered.

“Yea right, as if I could fit into one of your little body type 1 slips. Maybe we’ll go shopping after-”

The Wrath was cut off by the beeping of the intercom.

“Call for you, my lord.” Quinn said.

The Wrath rolled her eyes, and then walked back to the common area to access the holoterminal.

It was the Hand of the Emperor on line 1.

“WRATH. WE WERE ON THE WAY BACK FROM KORRIBAN AND STOPPED AT A SANDWICH SHOP TO GET LUNCH. WE WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WANTED ANYTHING.” Servant One said.

“THE WRATH MUST ORDER.” Servant Two added.

“Oh. Uh... damn, is it lunch time already? Okay fine. 12 inch turkey-bacon-avocado on wheat with cheddar.” The Wrath replied.

“IS THAT IT?” Servant One asked.

“THE WRATH HESITATES.” Servant Two added.

“Uhm... Get me a diet coke and a bag of barbecue potato chips too, I guess. The baked ones. I think I need to start a diet.”

The Hand of the Emperor hung up, and The Wrath pinched herself on the tummy.

I’m not fat. I’m still only body type 2, it sure beats the hell out of being a skinny twi’lek. TK-421, the fragrance for men.

"Because it was a boring conversation anyways."