A Keter Kinda Christmas

Fade in on a well-appointed living room in a log cabin, with bookshelves, easy chairs, coffee tables, and a green screen in back showing a blazing fireplace and a window through which a snowy winter's night can be seen. Dr. Bright, wearing a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater over his shirt and tie, with SCP-963 dangling on a chain over it, is puttering about hanging decorations and arranging hors d'ouevres on a large table, when he stops and looks at the camera.

Dr. Bright: Oh! I didn't hear you come in. Welcome to Casa de Bright. I was just getting ready to host one real hum-dinger of a holiday celebration! There's going to be stories, songs, comedy - and who knows who'll show up! Stick around, won't you?

An instrumental version of "Jingle Bells" plays as the title card flashes on the screen: A KETER KINDA CHRISTMAS, starring Jack Bright and the SCP Players

Narrator (SCP-1965): A Keter Kinda Christmas is brought to you by the Shark Punching Center;

♫ When you need a shark punched right away ♫

♫ Call 555-6412 today! ♫

…And by Dr. Wondertainment's Spider Party; just add water for eighty thousand legs worth of arachnoFUNbia! (Parental supervision required. Your definition of arachnofunbia may differ from that used by Dr. Wondertainment. Avoid use of this product if you are sensitive to spider venom. Not for use in households with pets or which are situated on reclaimed toxic waste dumps and/or Indian burial grounds. Dr. Wondertainment is not responsible for any cases of spideritis, spiderosis, or spidermania caused by use of this product. Not to be used for gambling purposes without the express written consent of Dr. Wondertainment.)

…And by a special grant from the Manna Charitable Foundation.

—-

Fade in on a group of animals belonging to SCP-1845: a fox (King Eugenio), a raccoon, a crow, a baby pig, and a chicken, with several others - which have been dressed in Nativity scene costumes and are standing in front of a manger. Voiceovers are provided as the camera close-ups on them.

Chicken: Where is he that is born king of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to… come to… line?

King Eugenio: For the last time, to adore him, you foolish peasant!

Chicken: Sorry, my lord. It's hard to memorize lines when you can't hold a script, you know!

Eugenio: We have no time for your petty excuses! Dr. Bright expects us to put on a Nativity story for his Christmas party, and we shall not be made fools of by your bumbling!

Piglet: Well, how come you get to be the baby Jesus? You're not even the right age!

Eugenio: Because the Lord has appointed us king of this realm, and as His elect it is only fitting that we sit in the place of honor and…

Piglet: You just don't wanna have to remember any lines!

Eugenio: You impudent knave! We ought to cut you down where you stand!

Crow: Please, your majesty, spare the lad. He's just a child - and it is Christmas, after all!

Eugenio: Very well. Keep rehearsing! We expect nothing less than perfection when our scene comes! We shall be napping in the next room.

The camera follows Eugenio as he trots out into a darkened chamber and settles down on a pet bed. Just as he is preparing to close his eyes, the door shakes and a red and white "YIELD" sign (SCP-329-J) floats in.

Sign: Ooooooooooooooooooooh! Awaken, Eugenio!

Eugenio: What the… what is this madness? Identify yourself, you varlet!

Sign: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii am the ghoooooooooooooost sign of Christmas Past! And tonight, my brothers and I have come to show you the errrrrrrrrror of your wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyys! Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

The title card flashes: TO BE CONTINUED.

—-

Fade in on Dr. Bright in the parlor, singing to himself.

Dr. Bright: ♫ God rest ye merry Foundation, let nothing ye dismay ♫

♫ Remember that O5-13 was born on Christmas Day ♫

♫ To save us all from Keter duty when we were lead astray ♫

♫ O tidings of Euclid and Safe, Euclid and Safe ♫

♫ O tiiiiiiiiiiiiiidings of Euclid and… ♫

The doorbell rings. Dr. Bright looks at the camera.

Why, that must be my first guest!

Dr. Bright opens the door to reveal three people standing there; Dr. Gears, wearing a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater under his lab coat, a mustashioed man wearing a sailor's cap and a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater under his Navy blue blazer, and a blonde woman wearing a hand-knitted wool Christmas evening gown.

Why, it's my good friend, Dr. Gears!

Applause. Gears does not smile or acknowledge it in any way.

And his special celebrity guests for the evening, '70s pop sensations the Captain and Tennille!

Applause. Captain and Tennille wave to the camera as the three step in.

Dr. Gears: It was most generous of you to invite us to your holiday function. I hope my choice of guests has not caused any inconvenience.

Dr. Bright: None at all, old friend! How are you hip young cats doing tonight?

Captain: We're doing great, thanks. You know, it's a real honor to finally be invited on your show tonight.

Tennille: I've never been as excited as I am to be on A Keter Kinda Christmas for the very first time!

Dr. Bright: Actually, this is the third straight year you've been on the show!

Dr. Bright holds up a bottle labeled "Class-A Amnestics" and winks at the audience. Laughter.

Perhaps you'd like to play a little song for everyone at home?

Captain: Sure thing, doc. Here's a little something we wrote especially for the show.

Captain walks up to a keyboard which was not previously on the set and begins playing as Bright hands Tennille a microphone and she begins to sing.

Tennille: ♫ Silent night, [REDACTED] night ♫

♫ All is calm, all is [DATA EXPUNGED] ♫

Rond yon Site-19, Staff and D-Class ♫

♫ [REDACTED]'s escaped again, let's kick its [EXPLETIVE DELETED] ♫

♫ Sleep in amnesiac peace, sleep in amnesiac peace ♫

—-

Fade in on SCP-1192 (Timmy) standing on its perch, staring wistfully at a photo sitting on a table, showing a man, a woman, and a young boy in hand-knitted wool Christmas sweaters standing in front of a roaring fireplace. SCP-1987-J-1 (Count Rockula) enters, wearing a hand-knitted, wool fringe-sleeved open-chested Christmas sweater, leather tights, biker boots, and a Fender Stratocaster slung over his shoulder.

Count Rockula: What's the matter, Timmy?

Timmy: It's almost Christmas and I'm not gonna get to see my family.

Count Rockula: You know, Timmy, sometimes I feel the same way this time of year.

Timmy: But you're the Lord of Ultimate Rockness! I'm just a dumb bird.

Count Rockula: Believe it or not, young man, I wasn't always this rockin'. I don't know how many Christmases I spent out on the road all by myself. I wrote a little song about it to help myself feel better. Would you like to hear it?

Timmy: Ok.

Count Rockula: Alright!

Count Rockula walks up to a mic stand and strums a power chord on his guitar.

Are you ready to rock?

Cheering.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Louder cheering. Count Rockula begins wailing on his guitar.

♫ I will rock your Christmas ♫

♫ You can jam with me ♫

♫ Please have blow, and camel toe ♫

♫ And groupies under the tree ♫

♫ Christmas Eve will find me ♫

♫ Where the red light gleams ♫

(Yeah, all the ladies know what I'm talkin' 'bout)

♫ I will rock your Christmas ♫

♫ If only in your dreams! ♫

Count Rockula windmills his guitar and then smashes it over the table, knocking over the portrait of Timmy's family.

So, do you understand now?

Timmy: What's a camel toe?

Count Rockula: It's a… well, it's… say, how old is 18 in bird years?

—-

Fade back in on the party.

Dr. Bright: …but it turned out he'd been dead the entire time!

Captain and Tennille laugh. Tennille sips her eggnog.

Tennille: Great story, Jack!

Dr. Gears: Indeed. Quite an amusing anecdote, doctor.

Dr. Bright looks to the camera.

Dr. Bright: As you folks can see, this is already shaping up to be one happening party! It's a good thing I didn't invite You-Know-Who this year!

Dr. Gears: Doctor?

Dr. Bright: Yes, Gears?

Dr. Gears: I was unfortunately not aware that the individual in question had been disinvited from this year's event. I informed him of the time and whereabouts of the festivities when he inquired to me regarding it.

Dr. Bright: Oh, dear. If he knows we're here, then that can only mean…

The door swings open on its own and in steps Able, wearing a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater and a Santa hat.

Able: Did somebody say par-taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?

Everyone: Able!

Able: Dr. Bright, buddy! What happened? I can't believe you didn't invite me!

Dr. Bright: Able, at last year's party you drank all the eggnog, hijacked Santa's sled, ran over my grandmother, and then wrapped it around a pear tree full of unlikely Christmas presents! Don't you remember?

Able: Not exactly…

Wipe to a flashback of the previous year's party. An obviously intoxicated Able is being handcuffed and read his rights by a group of policemen in the background, while Bright and his guests are arranged in a semicircle on the floor around celebrity guest Willie Nelson. The partiers are clapping in rhythm as he plays guitar and sings.

Willie Nelson: ♫ Grandma got run over by a Keter♫

♫ Walkin' 'round Site 19 on Christmas Eve ♫

♫ Now you can say there's no such thing as an Able line ♫

♫ But as for me and Cain, well, we believe! ♫

Wipe back to the present.

Able: Don't worry, Jack! I'm in a twelve-step program now. I promise, just one drink tonight!

Able grabs the eggnog out of Tennille's hand and chugs it before tossing the cup over his shoulder, where it breaks on the floor.

Maybe two.

Dr. Bright: I swear, Able, if you ruin this party…

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a remote control. The lights on Able's collar start to blink.

Able: Hey, hey, let's all calm down. How about I sing a little song?

Dr. Bright: Alright. Show us what you got!

A string arrangement begins to play as Able sings in a falsetto.

Able: ♫ Away in a coffin, collar 'round his head ♫

♫ The little skip Able wishes you were dead ♫

♫ The fools who oppress him, they all soon shall pay ♫

♫ The little skip Able escapes on this day ♫

Tennille grimaces uncomfortably.

—-

Fade in on SCP-1156 (Wellington G. Wonderhorse) and SCP-1867 (Lord Blackwood) side by side. Wellington is wearing his top hat and a hand-knitted wool Christmas horse blanket, while Lord Blackwood is wearing a slug-sized hand-knitted wool Christmas cape around his neck.

Lord Blackwood: On behalf of her majesty the Queen and all her subjects, I, Lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood, 8th Viscount of Westminister, do most fondly and sincerely wish you and yours a happy Christmas.

Wellington: And a very 'appy domestic from all the 'orses of ol' Blighty!

Wellington turns to Lord Blackwood.

So, milord, got any Steelys for yer own Bridgwater?

Lord Blackwood: I… I beg your pardon, old sport?

Wellington: Christmas, milord! Stayin' Pope? Got a walnut planned? Somewhere the shakens are hot and the ice rinks are cold?

Lord Blackwood: I should hope that an ice rink would be cold, my equine companion. How else would it function?

Wellington: That's not it atall, milord! I'm just askin' what a bungee like yerself gets up to when he's on a Salford and his trouble's not around to Gibraltar him when he's havin' a matinee with an Ives!

Lord Blackwood: …Come again?

Wellington: Oh, I get it. Think ye're too high-and-mighty to speak th'cant, 'do ya? Well, 'least I ain't no bleedin' tea mug.

Close up on Lord Blackwood as his sluggish visage shifts from confusion, to realization, to anger.

Lord Blackwood: You are such a horse's ass.

Laughter.

—-

Fade in on the party.

Able: So I said to him, 'that's not my arm!' And he said to me, 'and that's not the queen of Gomorrah!'

Everyone laughs. The doorbell rings.

Dr. Bright: Sounds like another one of our guests has arrived! I wonder who it could be this time…?

Bright opens the door to reveal Dr. Rights, wearing a trenchcoat that covers her entire body.

Dr. Bright: Why, if it isn't Dr. Rights!

Applause.

How are you doing? Come on in!

Dr. Rights: I'm doing a lot better now that you're here, Jack.

Cheering and raucous male hollering.

You know, we are standing under the mistletoe…

Dr. Bright: Rights, I didn't put up any mistletoe this year. The Ethics Committee is still reviewing the sexual harassment complaints from last year!

Dr. Rights: Well, how's a girl supposed to have fun then?

Dr. Bright: Why don't you sing a song for all these lovely people?

Dr. Rights: Are you sure?

Captain: Sure! Go for it!

Dr. Rights: Well, alright…

Rights throws off her trenchcoat to reveal a set of hand-knitted, wool Christmas lingerie underneath. Captain's jaw drops; Tennille slaps him and covers his eyes. Pounding bass drums and a lusty saxophone blare as she begins to sing.

Dr. Rights: ♫ Santa baby ♫

♫ Slip a gold watch under the tree, for me ♫

♫ I've been an awful good girl ♫

♫ Santa baby, hurry up my chimney tonight ♫ (wink)

—-

Narrator: And now, a special message from our sponsor.

Fade in on Sally Struthers in a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater against a black screen, standing in front of a table with a small mechanical contraption on it, as "Do They Know It's Christmas?" plays in the background.

Sally Struthers: I'm Sally Struthers. Every year, the Manna Charitable Foundation helps thousands of poor souls around the world on the path to a better life. It's easy to forget in these hectic days that there are so many people in the Third World who don't even know the most wonderful time of the year is upon us. That's why we're asking for your help today with this.

Sally gestures at the box on the table.

This is the Christmas Miracle Maker. Thanks to state-of-the-art terraforming technology, this durable and easy-to-use device, once activated, will induce rapid and aggressive climate change in order to transform its surrounding environs into a perfect snowy winter's day just in time for a white Christmas. The seed banks and genetic samples contained within it will ensure that majestic evergreens just right for decorating and reindeer perfect for pulling a one-horse open sleigh will supplant local flora and fauna, and it can even whip up a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings for those souls in need!

Every one of your donations puts us one step closer to our goal of manufacturing and airdropping 15,000 of these units across Africa in time for Christmas Eve. So please call in your pledge or write a check today - and let them know it's Christmas time again.

—-

Fade in on the party. Agent Strelnikov, who is wearing a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater over his Russian Army uniform, has joined the party and is regaling the crowd with a story.

Agent Strelnikov: And then fourth dirty Chechen bastard says to me, 'Please, kind and merciful and handsome Comrade Strelnikov, you would not be skinning alive a man who wears glasses?' And I said to him, 'Well, now that you give me idea…'"

Everyone laughs except Bright.

Dr. Bright: Strelnikov!

Agent Strelnikov: What? You no like story? Is good story! Won second place on open microphone night at Moscow Comedy Club.

Dr. Bright: But it's not a Christmas story at all!

Agent Strelnikov: It happened on Christmas!

Able: Sounds like my kinda Christmas!

Tennille: Is that really what you do on Christmas?

Agent Strelnikov: You think Chechens care when Christmas is? They sneak into base at night! Kill six of my men! Burn down Christmas tree it take Company Я all week to decorate! That is Chechen Christmas! Ptooey!

Dr. Bright: Can't you at least tell a story with a happy ending?

Agent Strelnikov: Fine. Do you know American capitalist rhyming-man Dr. Seuss?

Everyone responds 'Sure!' 'Yeah!' 'Of course!'

Good. This is Russian version of Dr. Seuss. Is called 'How the Chechen Stole Christmas!'

Everyone: STRELNIKOV!

Agent Strelnikov: What? Has happy ending! Russia get Christmas back, Father Christmas send Chechens to Hell, everyone joins hands and sings.

Dr. Bright: How about a story that isn't about Chechens?

Agent Strelnikov: Bah! All good stories have Chechens.

Captain: Well, how about a song?

Agent Strelnikov: Da! I will sing traditional Russian song of homecoming.

A jazzy brass instrumental plays as Strelnikov rises to his feet and begins to sing.

♫ Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, la la la ♫

♫ La la laaaaaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaa la la ♫

♫ La la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, la la la ♫

♫ La la laaaaaaaaaaaa, laaaaaaaaaaaa, la la ♫

♫ Trololololololo, lololo, lololo, hmmhmmhmmhmmhmm… ♫

—-

Fade in on a rainy night. King Eugenio is standing alone in a field.

Eugenio: Before we draw nearer to that stone to which you point, answer us one question. Are these the shadows of the things that will be, or are they shadows of things that may be, only?

A lightning bolt illuminates the darkness. SCP-173, wearing a black robe with a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater pulled over it, is pointing at a grave marker.

One's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show us!

The lightning strikes again. 173 has not moved, and the camera closes in on the grave reveal the text on the grave: KING EUGENIO II.

No, Spirit! Oh no, no!

The lightning strikes again. 173's other hand reaches out towards Eugenio as if to pull him into the grave.

Spirit! Hear me. We are the fox we were. We will not be the fox we must have been but for this intercourse. Why show us this, if we are past all hope?

The lightning strikes again. 173's hand is open and outstretched.

Good Spirit! Your nature intercedes for us, and pities us. We will honour Christmas in our heart, and try to keep it all the year. We will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within us. We will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me we may sponge away the writing on this stone!

Eugenio reaches out to accept 173's hand. Jump cut to his pet bed as he awakes from his sleep. Frantically, he pokes his head around the corner of the set and shouts to a shocked stagehand as he carries several cups of coffee towards the green room.

Eugenio: You, boy! How much longer is there in the show?

Stagehand: Why, about twelve minutes!

Eugenio: Then we still have time!

—-

Fade in on the party in full swing. Bright looks at the camera.

Dr. Bright: Well, folks, it's almost suppertime, and our guests of honor have agreed to cook! How's it going in there, you kids?

Captain and Tennille emerge from a door leading to the kitchen, holding a silver lidded tray.

Captain: Well, you know how you said to put the goose through SCP-914 on Fine?

Tennille: We accidentally started it on Very Fine instead, so we figured we'd switch it to 1:1 and it'd balance out… and this happened.

Tennille removes the lid to reveal a half-dozen live baby geese waddling around.

Dr. Bright: This is a disaster! Now there'll be no feast! Oh, if only…

The distant sound of sleigh bells becomes audible.

…Could it be?

Dr. Gears: It appears improbable.

The door swings open and Dr. Clef enters, wearing a Santa suit topped with a hand-knitted wool Christmas sweater, and carrying a tureen of clam chowder.

Dr. Clef: But it is! Ho ho ho!

Everyone else: SANTA CLEF!

Clef sets the tureen down on the table.

Dr. Clef: Sorry the big man couldn't make it. He said something about the insurance premiums on his sleigh being high enough after last year. But he sent me along to deliver the greatest Christmas gift of all: chowder!

Clef begins ladling soup out to the party guests.

Dr. Bright: Well, isn't this a Christmas miracle! If only we had a roast to go with it, though…

Eugenio: Wait for us!

Eugenio comes running in from offscreen, accompanied by Wellington (with SCP-173 on his back), the Ghost Sign of Christmas Past, Lord Blackwood, Count Rockula, and Sally Struthers.

Dr. Bright: King Eugenio! I thought you'd miss the whole party!

Eugenio: Forgive our tardiness. We were delayed making some last minute adjustments to the Nativity scene. Count Rockula, if you would do the honors?

Count Rockula: Of course, your majesty!

The green screen is pulled away like a curtain to reveal the manger scene - with the baby pig as Jesus, the chicken, the crow, and a pigeon as the Wise Men, a lamb and a tiger as Mary and Joseph, and Timmy fluttering overhead as the angel. Count Rockula begins playing his guitar and singing.

Count Rockula: ♫ O come all ye rockin' ♫

♫ Awesome and bodacious ♫

♫ O come ye, o come ye ♫

♫ And dig this rad scene ♫

♫ Come check this shit out ♫

♫ It's totally bitchin' ♫

♫ O come and let us dig him ♫

♫ O come and let us dig him ♫

♫ O come and let us dig him ♫

♫ Christ the Dude! ♫

Dr. Bright: Now that's the true meaning of Christmas, isn't it?

Everyone mutters inconclusively. "Sure." "I guess." "Why not?" "Actually…"

Eugenio: One more thing. We realized tonight… almost too soon… that we had been inconsiderate to our fellow beasts this year. We wish to make amends. Lord Blackwood, if you would?

Lord Blackwood: It would be my honour, your highness!

Lord Blackwood nudges SCP-662 towards Eugenio. Eugenio picks it up between his teeth and shakes it. Mr. Deeds enters, carrying a lidded silver tray.

Mr. Deeds: As you requested, your majesty, a piping hot Christmas goose, with all the trimmings.

Mr. Deeds sets the tray on the table and lifts the lid to reveal the roasted bird.

Eugenio: Now eat! Drink! Be merry! Enjoy the spirit of this wondrous day!

Dr. Rights leans over and whispers to Mr. Deeds. He nods and produces a piece of mistletoe from his pocket. She takes it and holds it over Able's head.

Dr. Rights: So, Able, how about I cook your Christmas goose?

Able: Lead me to the beast, woman, and I shall wring its neck myself.

Dr. Rights: I don't think you'll have to worry about wringing your own beast's neck tonight.

Extreme close-up on Able with a comic "SPROING!" sound effect.

Dr. Bright: Well, folks, that's about all the time we have. On behalf of everyone here at the SCP Foundation, I'd like to wish you and yours at home…

Everyone raises their glasses and faces the camera.

Everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Timmy: And 343 bless us, every one!