SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to warehouses and Whole Foods stores that we believe are at high risk of unionization,” read the report in part, quoting insider sources at Amazon who explained that while the move may be seen as controversial, there’s no law preventing a corporation from stalking their own employees with interstellar assassins. “We were very impressed when we sat down with these alien hunters. With their work ethic and affinity for cutting-edge technology like wristblades and plasmacasters, we think they’ll make an excellent fit at Amazon. They’ve already proven to be great at quickly climbing across stacks of pallets or scurrying along the tops of grocery aisles to spy on and shoot any employees who discuss improving their working conditions. Oh, and we’d like to remind employees that using mud to disguise your heat signature is a violation of company policy.” At press time, the effort was suspended after several heat-sensing alien hunters collapsed in an Amazon warehouse from exhaustion.

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