Three days after Robert Mueller indicted a dozen Russian intelligence officers who participated in clandestine efforts to interfere in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, the winner of that election, Donald Trump, stood next to Vladimir Putin and proclaimed the matter resolved, once and for all. "I have great confidence in my intelligence people," he said, referring to the interagency conclusion that Russia acted in order to boost his candidacy and defeat Hillary Clinton's, "but I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today." With that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, he began a long-winded screed that covered Peter Strzok, a missing DNC server, and Hillary Clinton's emails, all while Putin dedicated every fiber of his being to maintaining a straight face until he could be sure he was out of camera range.

In the span of a few minutes, an elderly conspiracy theorist unraveled decades of post-World War II alliances, deaf to the pleas of pretty much everyone in the free world whose paychecks are not signed by Fox News or the White House itself. The performance was "nothing short of treasonous," declared former CIA director John Brennan, who called on Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, among other officials, to resign in protest. "No prior president," wrote John McCain, "has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant."

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Even Paul Ryan, a man who lists "Donald Trump's breast pocket" as his legal residence on all forms at the DMV, urged the president to "appreciate that Russia is not our ally"—albeit only in a low, hushed whisper that he knows falls outside the range of frequencies that Trump's ears are capable of detecting. It was a remarkable scene, in the same way that controlled demolitions of downtown skyscrapers never fail to leave audiences slackjawed: On a global stage, the President of the United States found himself unable to utter a single critical word about the acts of a hostile foreign power, all because he knows the results of those acts accrued to his benefit.

Or, perhaps, because he knows what could happen if he were to do otherwise.

At one point during their joint press conference, a reporter asked Putin about the purported existence of a certain racy video clip in his country's possession—a clip that would be so damaging to Donald Trump's presidency if it were to become public that he would do anything to prevent it from, uh, leaking. Here is how Putin, through a translator, elected to respond: