It’s hard to describe how I feel when I think I can’t tell you how I feel. That, in itself, is the problem. “I can’t tell you how I feel” is how I feel.

Here’s the thought process behind it:

Person A realizes that he/she is feeling down because of a problem X (which could or could not be related to Person B). Person A decides to ignore the problem until the problem becomes so large that it cannot be ignored any further (i.e., it may start to affect other people or start having a seriously negative impact on Person A’s everyday life). Person A may realize that the only way to make himself/herself feel better is that he/she has to discuss the problem with Person B. Whether problem X is related to Person B or not, discussing the problem is equally hard in both cases. In most instances, Person A will not discuss problem X with Person B at all. Rather, Person A will resort to an alternative method for achieving peace of mind, such as:

1. In case the problem X is related to a person, then forgiving that person.

2. Self-harm.

3. Engaging in distracting activities till problem X is irrelevant or no more important (although this may be a temporary cure).

4. Sleeping excessively.

5. Doing something outrageous or “wrong”.

This goes on until Person A does eventually manage to cope with the problem, or ends up not coping at all. The latter may lead to Person A attempting to cut the problem/sadness off at the source (in case of a problem with a friend, Person A might end the friendship entirely, or in case of a bad grade in class, Person A might stop trying to succeed in said class at all).

Person A has what is known as an avoider mentality. Avoiders believe that they must rely on themselves alone to meet their own needs. They cannot trust others, who according to them, will only say “no” or hurt them. It’s easier just to deal with things themselves then risk that. Consider the avoider mentality a huge flight or fight response. Though even if there’s some fight involved, it usually moves to flight. Emotions are walled off so as to not feel vulnerable, leaving intimacy dead in the water.

In the off chance that Person A thinks about calling/texting their friend or significant other to let them know he/she is feeling down, he/she thinks of it as a confirmation of their own inner weakness.

Here’s how the thought process goes:

The first thing that pops into his/her mind is that the other person will find this sudden intimate contact as depressing or taxing, and a direct show of their inner weakness. If they were already talking to the person, perhaps it would have been easier. Person A would have hinted something and the other person would have asked if something was wrong. This would have given Person A a possible chance for opening up. But it’s taking the first step that’s a dealbreaker. Avoiders can’t be that open. I know, I know. That is a paradox. You’re thinking, “If the avoider doesn’t help me help them, how am I supposed to help them at all?” Well, avoiders can’t open their doors and say, “Hey, come in and help me out.” You have to be inside already, and already be helping them out for them to allow you to help them further. It’s hard to explain, really.

If the avoider does open up, at the same time, they will be thinking that if they do try to explain to you what is wrong, they will end up saying too much, giving too much detail, and end up overwhelming you. They think that saying all this will make you feel like understanding them or helping them is too much work. As an avoider, this entire post makes me cringe. Because when I started to type, I had only a few sentences. But now it’s more than a page and I can’t help but feel like I’m saying too much, revealing too much, carrying on and on about things that no one cares about.

Conclusion

Having an avoider mentality is not easy. It’s 50% feeling like you’ll never have a steady and stable long-term relationship with any person you know and 50% feeling like you’re just being an arrogant attention-seeking cunt. But there’s always help. The best tip is to surround yourself with people who actually do care. Genuinely. If they do, even an avoider will end up feeling more attached and comfortable than he/she normally would. Also, talk about it. I cannot stress this enough. Talk about it. No matter how hard it may seem, no matter what happens. Talk about it.

If you could relate to any of the things written in this article, please take the time to read the article that I accidentally stumbled upon while I was writing this piece. Never have I read anything that helped me understand myself so well.