There was good news for dumb, selfish twats yesterday as reports that a regular tanker delivery was going to be ‘slightly late’ led to fuel buying panic at one local petrol station.

The mindless, stupid mithering began around 1pm at the Exachell garage near Wretching, in Disgust, when a member of staff was overheard noting that a fresh shipment of petrol ‘might be around 15 to 20 minutes later than normal’. The news immediately triggered a petrol buying panic amongst customers.

‘As soon as I heard that the main storage tank was down to only 900 litres I knew I had to act,’ said garage regular Dave Spooool. ‘Although I had already filled my car, and actually I only drive about 70 miles a week, I rushed back to the forecourt and filled the boot, glovebox and door pockets with extra fuel. Mind you, I’m so stupid I once forgot how to use my arms’.

Local cretin Angela Stave was another of those caught in the precautionary buying palaver. ‘When I drove onto the forecourt someone told me what was going on and to be honest it scared me. What if there was a medical emergency and I couldn’t get my kiddies to hospital during that vital 20 minute window when my car only had 7/8ths of a tank full? It doesn’t bear thinking about. That’s why I filled my tank with both petrol and diesel, just to be on the safe side’.

Exachell staff say even those who weren’t intending to buy petrol were drawn into the mass panic, such as area fuckwit Irene Mizzz. ‘I had spent the morning frigging myself over the memory of Princess Diana and was on my way to buy a second, uncreased copy of the Daily Express when I noticed a commotion at the petrol station. I immediately realised it was the kind of grunting, thoughtless mass hysteria I enjoy and decided to buy as much petrol as possible. Obviously I don’t actually own a car so I had to go and buy one of those first and by the time I got back the unthinking mob behaviour was over. I was so disappointed I decided to fire bomb the place so I could spend the afternoon moaning about Muslims’.