Best songs of 2019? Worst songs of 2019? Kpopalypse awards? Let’s be honest, nobody gives a fuck. I know what you really want – k-pop fans lie, but my stats don’t. Here it is. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody that you bookmarked this.

10. Girl Crush – Memories

As predicted by Kpopalypse, the sexy returned to k-pop in 2019. Okay, so we didn’t get very many concepts like this, but that moment at 0:18 where Bomi’s shirt unbuttons and there’s a tiny, almost-imperceptible boob movement is probably worth about five Stellar comebacks and is sexier than anything in Laysha’s “Freedom” which nearly made the grade for this list but just looked too much like an unsexy department store underwear catalog for comfort. Of course many people “raised concerns” in the usual trollish way that Internet citizens do about “what if Girl Crush are being forced into it like Stellar were?”, but Bomi herself created all the choreography for this video so that should tell you a lot about where their heads are at. There’s simply no way to be sure about how much duress is involved in any k-pop situation unless the performers come straight out and tell you at a rare time when they don’t have their masters yanking the chains around their necks in the other direction, so instead of being “concerned” about Girl Crush, why not spare a thought for all those other girl groups with members who are being cruelly forced into equally exploitative and objectifying “innocent” aegyo to gain a fandom.

9. Yoyomi – Hong Kong Express

All Yoyomi videos are pure unadulterated pornography, but nowhere is this more blatantly obvious than in “Hong Kong Express”, which coincidentally also happens to be Yoyomi’s best song this year. If the camera going constantly in and out of focus like you’re having trouble looking at Yoyomi and breathing at the same time isn’t enough of a hint as to where the creative directors were going with this, there’s the ultra-close zoomed-up shots of her face and neck that are so detailed you can see individual molecules of BB cream, and let’s also not forget the times that the camera just randomly lingers on nothing but her upper body for ten seconds at a time, boob-focus just enough out-of-reach that it can be passed off as “accidental and artsy” but close enough to generate smooth fapping action. Yoyomi does nothing but these types of videos all the time and interested parties should take a look, why she isn’t a mainstay on Reddit/kpopfap I have no idea, poor taste I guess.

8. Mamamoo – Yes I Am

I get excited when every new Mamamoo song comes out, not because of the music (which is definitely more miss than hit), but because of the opportunity to look at Mamamoo in various new outfits. “Yes I Am” doesn’t waste any time and keeps the clothing selection on high rotation, playing its ace card at the end with Solar essentially in glorified sex-shop fetish underwear (don’t pretend she isn’t). I’m sure Mamamoo’s usual fans will have a big old whine about them being here, just like they whine about everything I write (even when I’m being nice), so I’ll be sure to keep including them in lists like these just to piss them off.

EDIT: I fucked up, this song is from 2017 which just goes to show how much of a fuck I give about this group when they’re doing anything other than wearing lingerie

7. Eunha & Ravi – Blossom

While Gfriend are obviously very fappable, the problem with fapping to Gfriend is that your favourite girl is generally only going to get 16.66667% screen time, on average. That’s why solo and duet projects from girl group members are almost always a good thing, even if the songs are hot garbage like this one here, because finally you get some long lingering camera shots on your fave before the scene cuts away to a random spinning CGI globule or a car on fire. Seeing Eunha trying to scam a grope by grabbing Ravi’s Pepsi when she clearly already has a can of Pepsi that she hasn’t finished drinking is one of the most subtle classy-sexy romantic moments in k-pop, and Eunha presents very nicely across the entire video with perfect hair and wearing a great array of pleasing fashions that definitely meet required standards. I’m not so sure about Ravi (a.k.a k-pop’s Nicholas Cage) so I’ll let you man-meat appreciators have the last word on that.

6. NC.A – Awesome Breeze

Okay so the dark hair from UNI.T’s “No More” obviously suits her a lot better, but blonde NC.A still meets required standards and because it’s a slow song this is the best look at her face I’ve ever seen without annoying fast cutting everywhere, so I’m putting it here for later use. Ballads are good for something.

5. Pink Fantasy – Fantasy

I’m definitely not into every girl in this group, but Yechan (Vivi-tier jawshave), Aini (90’s Hope Sandoval lookalike) and SeeA (blonde) are really quite attractive and definitely look great in those maid fetish clothes as well as that other crap they’re wearing. It’s rare that I can even identify girls in a group at all this early into their careers, which just shows how good the styling is here. Apparently this video was directed by none other than Shindong himself, who clearly knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s probably reading this right now just to see if he missed anything important this year. Shindong since you’re almost definitely reading this, can we get a sexy maid Super Junior concept please – if it’s good enough for the girls it’s good enough for you too! My readers will thank you.

4. SUV (Shindong & UV) – Cheer Man

So obviously if Pink Fantasy get on this list, it’s only natural that Pink Fantasy plus Shindong will get even higher. SUV will cheer for you as you fap and decide whether to blow your cookies to the 90s Michael Jackson guy, the long-haired guy or the Dong himself.

3. Apink – %% (Eung Eung)

Sorry to break it to you, but “Eung Eung” is not #1 this year! Have the girls gone too far?

2. Honey Popcorn – De-aeseohsta

Of course Honey Popcorn had to be here and it’s no wonder. A great game to play with people who have never heard of this group or any of the girls in it before is “watch this video and see if you can guess which two girls in the group make their living slobbing on dicks”. Unfortunately it’s actually really hard to find people to play this game with, such is the market penetration of Yua Mikami, and I actually wish I could play this game myself as I wonder if I’d guess right. Honey Popcorn is always fappable due to the “cute mode slut mode” dichotomy (look it up, you’ll thank me – or maybe not) which they continue to work expertly, as well as being great proof that the concern trolls who are “anti-fap” in k-pop because of “oh no such exploitation” have no genuine concern for anything other than their own moral standing with their peers. Yua Mikami might be B-list in k-pop but she is a true A-list drama star who is highly respected in that industry, makes serious bank with each new video and has gone on record multiple times saying that she quite enjoys absorbing sperm through the pores of her skin for a living, yet supposedly “woke” k-pop fans still refuse to stan an independent woman making money and living life on her own terms.

1. Oh Hayoung – Don’t Make Me Laugh

Apink reigns supreme once again, this time in maknae solo mode! But how? To answer this question we need to delve deep…

KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS

THE RETURN OF HONEY POPCORN VS APINK

IT ALL STARTED ON A PEACEFUL NIGHT, NEARLY A YEAR AGO, AT YUA MIKAMI’S HOUSE…

YUA HATCHES A PLAN WITH AN ACCOMPLICE…

A FEW MONTHS LATER, HONEY POPCORN RELEASE THEIR NEXT SONG…

APINK MEET UP TO STRATEGISE…

AFTER THE VIDEO SHOOT IS OVER…

THE RESULTS COME OUT…