Lisa Senecal

Opinion contributor

From just "locker room talk” during the campaign to providing a critique of the French first lady's body, our current Oval Office resident has intensified the challenges of raising boys into good men. But the challenges are nothing new.

I’ve heard variations on “boys will be boys” for as long as I can remember. The boy destroying what someone had built in kindergarten. The chasing and unwelcoming kissing during first-grade recess, at a Catholic school no less! Being seated next to the boy who tormented me because I could “be a good influence on him.” These generally resulted in boys being told they needed to stop their behavior with no explanation of why or repercussions. The girls were instructed that we needed to understand or should just ignore them. And we did come to understand: Boys will be boys, uh…men!, oh he’s harmless, what were you wearing, how much did you have to drink, and on and on and on.

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When I was 12 and babysitting, the 8-year-old boy I was watching came up behind me and grabbed my…Levi’s. I reflexively called him a pervert which he eagerly shared with his parents when they returned home. He was gently admonished and told it was “not okay.” I was told, with the boy standing at his parents’ sides, that my behavior was completely inappropriate and instructed to apologize to them and their son. They never asked me to babysit again.

Message received: if you want to get or keep your job, keep your mouth shut. The telling is worse than the doing. It’s a lesson I was given many times over and that took decades for me to find the strength to unequivocally reject.

Most boys are taught to respect their mothers and stick up for their sisters. It should not take a familial connection for men and boys to go through the world leaving women and girls with their dignity intact. That so many men explain they were offended by the mistreatment of a woman because they have a mother, a sister or a daughter is disturbing. Is the default for men really to discriminate against, harass or assault women unless they imagine how they would feel if the woman were family?

As the mother of two boys, now young men, the responsibility of turning two good men out into the world weighs heavy on me. What I model, what I say and don’t say, how I relate to them and teach them to relate to me and other women will have an impact upon countless women. Their female teachers, friends, colleagues, lovers, partners, perhaps daughters, and even women on the street will all be effected by what I did or did not instill in them.

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Until recently, I thought the greatest good I could do in raising my sons was to focus on how they will interact with women. I now believe that I was wrong. It’s terribly important, but it is not what will cause a sea change in society. When we instill the admirable character trait of courage in our sons, it must include the courage to challenge the words and actions of other men and boys.

“Guys, you need to stop. That’s not cool,” is bold for a high school boy to say to friends who are harassing a girl. “Hold on a minute, she wasn’t finished speaking and I’d like to hear what she has to say,” is a brave statement in professional settings dominated by men. “Come on, man, she said no, she doesn’t need to explain why,” is an act of courage when confronting the bro in the bar who’s become hostile toward a woman who rejected his advance.

I have experienced joy beyond anything I could have imagined raising two sons. As boys grow to be young men, we imperfect parents will set loose our imperfect sons on the world. But though they cannot be perfect, they can be brave. Our sons can learn to see men’s attempts to deny women dignity, even those men as powerful as a president, to be displays of fear and weakness. They can recast “boys will be boys” to mean a display of moral courage that defies what is easy for what is right.

Lisa Senecal is a mother, communications professional and member of the Vermont Commission on Women. Follow her on Twitter: @lcsenecal