PLANO, TX—Following this morning’s announcement that JCPenney is ousting CEO Ron Johnson after just 17 months, members of the department store chain’s board assured the public the executive will receive an ample severance package that will include 34,000 pea coats. “We want the public to know that Mr. Johnson will be taken care of with 34,000 Claiborne wool double-breasted pea coats, along with 1.5 million pairs of Gold Toe socks,” said board chairman Thomas Engibous, adding that Johnson’s package also comes with the standard employee severance of 72,000 boxes of Scattergories and a single Cuisinart skillet. “Additionally, we will be thanking Mr. Johnson for his service with a very generous 60,000 patio sets and a payout of 18,000 corduroy pants every month for the next 15 years.” Engibous added that due to a clause in Johnson’s contract, the company was forced to give him an additional JCPenney gift card for $17 million.

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