These people aren't Satanic Strippers... probably.

Views expressed in this article are entirely from What Is Satanism? and may not be shared or reflective of views from other Satanists or the Church of Satan. Church of Satan is the authority on Satanism.

The Satanic Strip Club

A Strip Club, or Gentleman's Club if you prefer to pretend to be polite, is a place of fantasy, debauchery, and delightful indulgence. Some describe the experience performing as delightfully empowering while they liberate their guests from their money. Many are willing to spend quite a lot on a night of indulgence in the delights of flesh. Quite a few find the entire concept horribly distasteful. Whether you're a patron, performer, or simply curious, prepare to be subjected to a vision of the evolution of the strip club into a new beast: The Satanic Strip Club.

The Desire: The First Step in Evolution

Strip Club's should be entirely co-ed, to turn a phrase around a bit, and feature performers of the entire spectrum of human desire. The environment shouldn't be exclusive for just dancers, as the bartenders and other hosts at the establishment should be just as prepared to present themselves to patrons. The waiter will be a shirtless, oiled, and smooth man delivering drinks poured by a skilled bare-breasted bartender.

BUT, to deny these people their right to indulge in THEIR own personal desires in the same way that you or any other more [...] person would be able to do, I feel, would be grossly unfair and, I might add, UNSATANIC! Anton Szandor LaVey in a letter presented in From the Church of Satan Archives

Performers will not be required to be completely bare and may choose their costuming. This is, of course, an establishment for indulgence and the performer will need to ascertain exactly what frees the desired amount of attention (and cash) from patrons.

The Patron's Desires: The Second Step in Evolution

When you enter such an establishment you will be greeted with a tablet (as in the electronic kind, of course). With this tablet a patron will register a profile for their visit. This profile will, of course, be required to be deleted by the establishment and no data will be reused. A picture will be taken of the patron by a helpful assistant at the establishment. Patrons will be able to add any extra notes they see fit for the performers to peruse.

This profile may contain the patron's desires ranging from topics they would like to have conversations about, the behaviors they may like to see in their performer, their favorite songs or media, and their favorite drinks. This will help the performers create a total environment to suit the patron.

The Meritocracy: The Third Step in Evolution

How beautiful would it be if it was discovered a patron may very much enjoy a popular sci-fi show that the performer has always wanted to cosplay as!

The profiling outlined in The Third Step in Evolution isn't only for suiting a patron. Performers will be at no obligation to completely fulfill any requests or demands made by patrons. In fact, that profile will be used for performers to weigh and consider what patrons they may desire to serve. Similar to ride-sharing or similar applications, patrons may be rated on their behavior by performers. Positive and negative comments may be left. Terrible tipper. Great conversation. Body odor. Gives compliments.

This extension of environment is meant to be complimentary. However...

#3. When in another’s lair, show [them] respect or else do not go there. #4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat [them] cruelly and without mercy. The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth (slightly altered for use here)

This feedback loop provided between patrons and performers will quickly remove the chaff (bad tippers, bad hygiene, stupid) from the enjoyable customers. Enjoyable customers, and the performers, may find common ground to experiment in performances which both parties find enjoyable. How beautiful would it be if it was discovered a patron may very much enjoy a popular sci-fi show that the performer has always wanted to cosplay as! Similarly, it would be just as beautiful to watch the poor schmuck who thought they would tarnish the establishment with abusive behavior, risking ruining the fun for everyone, alone in a corner with only their own stupidity as company!

The Total Environment: The Fourth Step in Evolution

The opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of his or her choice [...] An opportunity to feel, see, and hear that which is most aesthetically pleasing, without interference from those who would pollute or detract from that option. Pentagonal Revisionism

Most establishments already have VIP lounges or private dance rooms. These will be converted to modular areas featuring common scenarios patrons may request. Those patrons with some extra cash may desire and appropriately pay for exclusive or custom environments.

These areas will not be solely embarrassing cubicles for the occasional grind, but for the entertainment of a patrons choosing. If a performer and patron are interested in re-enacting a favorite conversation from a movie - so be it! Perhaps they'll both decide to have cardboard mock-ups of their mutually favorite city created so they can stomp it into oblivion dressed as their favorite kaiju!

Dissolution: The Fifth Step in Evolution

As implemented, the Satanic Strip Club is a superior environment serving patrons and performers. Obsoleting old, mediocre institutions of miserably bored performers repeating the same gyrations for the equally bored customers, the new evolution revitalizes interest in the human indulgences that should be celebrated at such establishments.

Hail Satan! Hail your performer! Hail you!