A shadow minister has claimed that The government should not offer billionaire Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson financial support until he has used his reserves.

Branson, a Bee Gee that hates Karl Marx, has asked for emergency loans from Whitehall in order to keep his Virgin Atlantic business afloat, while selflessly ordering his employees to go on 8 weeks of unpaid leave.

Branson, a man rich enough to own a LITERAL spaceship, has stated that the airline will have to ground 75% of its fleet by March 26, with 85 % of it grounded by April.

Branson, a man who would consider ‘smart casual’ as blue speedos and a beige jacket, is worth $4.1 billion but has asked his employees to martyr themselves by going on unpaid leave, even though he could pay all of their salaries and have $4.06 billion left over, a net loss of 0.88%.

This act of generosity however would go against the entire constitution of being a billionaire, as Branson has a physical makeup similar to the bus from Speed; if his total wealth drops below 95% he will explode.

Branson, a man whose only decent contribution to the world has been Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells, has reduced Employee sick pay from six months to 12 weeks, an email that must have been terribly difficult to write atop his cross.

Branson in the meantime has undergone the required medical testing and has come up negative for Covid-19, but positive for being an utter shit.