The above is a “consent contract,” which is part of a “consent conscience kit” being passed around by an advocacy group called The Affirmative Consent Project.

Believe me, it’s real.

The Examiner’s Ashe Schow, who was sent one, reports that the kit “…includes a pen (to sign the contract, duh), breath mints and a condom. The kit comes in either a canvas or faux suede bag with the group’s logo — the male and female gender symbols combined at the circle.”

These kits come on the heels of the national “yes means yes” movement appearing – sometimes by law, sometimes voluntarily – at universities and college campuses. These policies dictate that anyone looking to do the no pants dance must agree that the sex is consensual beforehand.

The problem with “yes means yes” policies is that they heavily favor accusers and not the accused. So anyone claiming they were sexually assaulted – read women – is not expected to provide proof that they were assaulted at all. No, that burden rests on the accused.

“The solution advocates have proposed has been to vastly expand what constitutes sexual assault under ‘yes means yes”‘policies, and shift the burden of proof from an accuser to the accused. This turns the criminal justice system upside down, and gives the accused no way to defend themselves outside of a video tape. Because how else can you prove that one did receive a ‘yes’ at every stage of sexual activity when the other person is saying no such consent was given?” writes Schow.

The purpose of these “consent kits” is to make sure that there is no doubt that there was consent given, but if I could give some advice to any man handed this form before you do the deed…

Don’t trust this piece of paper for a second. You sure as hell shouldn’t trust the woman handing it to you. I don’t care if she’s Kate Upton’s hot cousin and you’re harder than Ninja Gaiden on the NES. Don’t do it.

For one, this piece of paper is only needed because, under law, your default status without it is “rapist.” Those who advocate for “yes means yes” support the baseless accusation that your penis comes stock with a guilty verdict…even if evidence claims the contrary.

This was seen not long ago when a male student at Amherst college had a sexual act performed on HIM while he was blacked out. Two years later, the girl who performed the oral sex accused the male student of sexual assault and won, despite evidence clearing the male student of any guilt.

So you’re guilty even after being proven innocent.

In light of that, what makes you think that a piece of paper with a couple signatures on it will make your spelunking any safer? It would appear to me that the paper could become null and void the moment any accuser says it should be. All she has to do is claim the form was signed under influence or pressure, and your rapist status is re-confirmed.

It’s a hollow gesture, but that’s the hollow nature of the social justice beast. Proof is whatever the “victim” says it is, and jurisprudence is passe.

Furthermore, it puts the male into an unwanted and unlooked for guessing game. The California “yes means yes” law states that any consent given is not consent if the consenter was incapacitated due to alcohol, medication, etc. Problem is that “incapacitated” doesn’t necessarily mean they’re drunk or high, incapacitated could just mean “not in the right mind.”

All an accuser has to say is that the medication she was on impaired her judgment, no matter how clear headed she appeared, and suddenly you’re guilty of assault.

The point is that yes doesn’t even mean yes. More accurately, yes means “you’re at my mercy.” Needless to say, at the mercy of a self-victimizing idealist is not where you want to be.

One night stands aside, another large problem comes in the fact that the law essentially puts the government into the middle of your relationship. They are defining what consent looks like on a moment to moment basis and it doesn’t matter if you were just looking for a wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am, the law applies to those in loving, long-term relationships as well. You must now acquire consent from your girlfriend.

“Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time. The existence of a dating relationship between the persons involved, or the fact of past sexual relations between them, should never by itself be assumed to be an indicator of consent,” says the bill.

Congratulations. Due to “yes means yes” your intimate relationship with your significant other is now a threesome, with your third partner in lingerie being a fat government bureaucrat. It’s like a fantasy wish granted by the monkey’s paw.

Alone, this wouldn’t worry me. People in loving relationships will probably ignore this law and do the deed without following any government protocols, and more power to them. My worry is that, like most government intervention, it won’t stop there.

“Yes means yes” is currently very vague and leaves room for further change down the line. I can see this growing in such a way that yes or no can be decided by third parties.

This might sound crazy, but let’s remember that social justice warriors are the key component in this legislation crafting. Come with me on this “What if…?”

What happens if a social justice advocate or feminist decides that she doesn’t like a certain male dating her friend and she makes the accusation that her friend is in an abusive relationship. She claims that her friend stays in it out of fear, or maybe she suffers from some sort of Stockholm Syndrome.

The accuser not only puts the mantle of rapist back on the male – remember that we’re guilty by default – she’s completely rendered her friend’s testimony innocuous, or at the very least, put it under a shadow of doubt. Let’s say this sparks a campus movement focusing women in abusive relationships who stay silent. Let’s say it makes national headlines.

Let’s say the college then caves, like colleges who adopt “yes means yes” laws are doing. He’s screwed. Probably tossed out of school, but his reputation besmirched for life. She loses control of her own relationship, and probably lives with that shadow over her the rest of her life. And her “friend” the accuser is labeled a hero.

This might sound far fetched, but let’s remember that social justice warriors, who contain such advocates as “Mattress Girl” Emma Sulkowicz, and the woman mentioned in the Amherst College case above, are in control of sex on campuses now. Neither were raped, but all they had to do was claim they were and they were given power.

We’re through the looking glass, and “yes means yes” has brought us there. The Red Queens on Campus are shouting “off with their heads,” so keep yours zipped up, gents.

Hailing from Austin, Texas, Brandon Morse has been writing about politics and culture across many websites for the last six years, with a heavy emphasis on anti-authoritarianism. Aside from writing articles, he is also known for voice acting and authoring scripts. He is an avid gamer, dog person, and has a bad habit of making vague references to things no one has heard about or seen. Follow him at @TheBrandonMorse on Twitter.

Click through the gallery below to read more from Morse in his previous EveryJoe columns:

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