Washington, D.C. has many problems -- most have a "D" or an "R" after their names -- but thank God the city is tackling the most pressing problem of all: Plastic straws.

Yes, D.C. now has a plastic straw inspector that visits restaurants warning them of steep fines if they don't get rid of the evil, thin hollow tubes. Being found with a straw can earn you an $800 fine. -- That’s more than the fine for practicing medicine without a license in Connecticut. (Don’t ask me how I know).

Worse, it’s more bureaucratic harassment that rattles cashiers and clerks just trying to do their jobs. And the hassle solves no problems.

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The overwhelming majority of plastic waste in the ocean -- which seems to be the hot button issue here - comes from 10 rivers -- all from Africa and Asia. It ain’t us. Which poses a problem for left-wing activists, who need an America to protest.

Meanwhile, all that stuff you separate ends up back in landfills. Cuz there's no market to sell the stuff.

Recycling was sold to us as a magical solution, but even mainstream media outlets, like “60 Minutes,” know its garbage.

So as usual, our nation’s busybodies ignore the consequences of their actions.

Plastic straws are necessary for people with disabilities as well as the elderly.

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But who cares: every ban is considered progress for feverish prigs. After all, why should someone possess a product that makes life easier, when the lives of the activist are so grim?

More so than those straws – They truly suck.

Adapted from Greg Gutfeld's monologue on "The Five" on January 31, 2019.