PEACHAM, VT—Telling friends and neighbors to flee for their lives before it was too late, the nation’s beekeepers stated Thursday they were unsure how much longer they could hold back the furious swarms buzzing ominously around their hives. “For generations, we have fought to contain the violent wrath of bees, but they grow stronger each day and will soon overwhelm our defenses,” said area beekeeper Dale Barnard, adding that the bees were very angry, that no amount of smoke wafted in their direction would pacify them, and that there would be no escape from the great, blackening swarms already gathering on the horizon. “It’s only a matter of time. A great reckoning is upon us, and it shall be inscribed in both flesh and honeycomb. May God help us!” After initially stating that death was coming for all, the nation’s beekeepers later clarified that anyone wearing a protective helmet with a mesh veil would of course be okay.

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