It is a bitterly cold evening in Almere, a sprawling city about 15 miles to the east of Amsterdam. A biting wind sweeps across the six pitches at SC Buitenboys, where boys and girls from a couple of junior teams, training under the floodlights, tear around with a ball at their feet, seemingly oblivious to the freezing conditions.

For a club run solely by volunteers and which started 27 years ago with a small wooden hut, it is an impressive setup. Almere, where the first house was built in 1976, is one of the fastest-growing cities in Europe, which helps to explain why Buitenboys has become so popular. These days they have 1,175 children and 225 adults playing across 110 teams. Annual membership costs between €200 and €255 and the only person on the payroll is the cleaner. Everyone else, including all four board members, works for free.

Richard Nieuwenhuizen was among those parents who liked to help out at the club. A popular, football-mad father of three, Nieuwenhuizen lived in Almere with his wife, Xandra, and their two youngest sons, Mykel, 15, and Alain, who recently turned 18. Jamie, the eldest son and a former coach at Buitenboys, lived nearby with his girlfriend.

Mykel played for one of Buitenboys' eight under-17 teams and his father enjoyed running the line in those matches, which was what he left home to do on 2 December for a fixture against Nieuw-Sloten, a club from Amsterdam. It was a normal Sunday morning; father and son heading off to football together. By the end of the day Nieuwenhuizen was fighting for his life. The 41-year-old collapsed three hours after he was brutally attacked by a group of Nieuw-Sloten players. The following evening he died.

Alongside 4,000 red roses next to the pitch where Nieuwenhuizen fell to the floor sits a banner with a tribute written by Richard's second son, Alain. It reads: "Dear Daddy, senseless it was, for sure. It will never be better. Once the wounds will heal. But we will never forget you. We will miss you."

"When the one minute's silence was done in the professional stadiums [the weekend after the incident], they showed that banner," Rob Mueller, Buitenboys' secretary, says. "Alain made it and we printed it so that they could take it with them on the silent march in Almere."

Mueller walks across to another artificial pitch, about 200 yards away, to show where Nieuwenhuizen was attacked at the end of the game between Buitenboys B3 and Nieuw-Sloten B1 (the B denotes it was an under-17 game and the number reflects the ranking of the team within that age group). The game finished 2-2, with Nieuw-Sloten coming back from two goals down. Those that were present recall a couple of incidents when Nieuw-Sloten players bickered among themselves during the game but say nothing happened to suggest there could be a flashpoint with Nieuwenhuizen after the final whistle.

Yet moments after the players started shaking hands with the three volunteer officials, Nieuwenhuizen was knocked to the floor, then punched and kicked in the head by several of the Nieuw-Sloten team. Parents immediately ran on to the pitch to try to defuse the situation and get some control. Nieuwenhuizen eventually got back to his feet but he was knocked to the floor for a second time. Witnesses report that one of the Nieuw-Sloten players then took off his shirt, presumably to make it harder for him to be identified, before kicking Nieuwenhuizen while he was on the ground and then running off. Mykel, Nieuwenhuizen's son, saw everything.

Although clearly badly shaken, Nieuwenhuizen was able to stand up. He said he did not wish to involve the police. He decided to go home and returned to Buitenboys later in the afternoon to watch another under-17 game, which kicked off at 2.45pm. Mueller, who was standing on the opposite side of the pitch, watching one of his two sons play, recalls looking across at about 3pm and seeing Nieuwenhuizen get out of the dugout where he had been sitting, stand up and then fall to the floor.

"We immediately called for an ambulance and they drove on the pitch and took him to the hospital in Almere," Mueller says. "I later went to see Richard. I said: 'Hi Rich, how are you doing?' He said: 'Hi Rob.' And he was very emotional. But at that stage, which was around 7pm, he still recognised me. I saw him once again at around 10pm, when he was still recognising me but he was getting worse. It became really bad so he had to be brought to another hospital, with a neurosurgeon specialist.

"In the meantime, we were called by the police to say that Mykel had to make a statement because he was a witness of the incident. So we took him to the police station to make his statement, but we said if we got one call from the hospital we would drive back. At 1am, we got the message from Richard's wife, Xandra, who said: 'It's not going OK, bring Mykel here.' So the police took him with sirens and lights on, I drove behind.

"We stayed there in the waiting room and at around 4am we came to see him once again. He was still in a kind of coma, didn't recognise anything any more, and that was the last time I saw him alive, knowing already that he would die within six, 12 or 18 hours, because they explained clearly what happened – the brain was deprived of oxygen.

"I went home at about 5am and tried to sleep for a couple of hours. By 9am, I had 71 unanswered phone calls and then the rollercoaster nightmare started. Press came here, television and radio, so we had a small discussion with the board, the president did the television and I did the radio, both knowing that Richard would die but we couldn't say it. At 5.30pm, we got the call to say that he had died. Then it was not only news in Holland, it was news all over the world. So a healthy guy, 41 years old, was kicked to death in a few seconds."

'People are still in shock'

Flowers, linesmen's flags and the Dutch flag at half-mast surround the pitch where Richard Nieuwenhuizen collapsed

On the day Richard Nieuwenhuizen died, police arrested three teenagers, two aged 15 and another 16. Three days later another 16-year-old was arrested. On 11 December a further three teenagers, two aged 16 and one 17, were arrested along with a 50-year-old man. The seven teenagers all played for Nieuw-Sloten and the 50-year-old is the father of one of the arrested boys. All eight faced charges of manslaughter, assault and public violence. On Wednesday one of the two 15-year-olds was bailed after being charged with public violence rather than assault and manslaughter. The other seven remain in custody.

Wim Snoek, Nieuw-Sloten's secretary and one of the founder members of a club that was formed in 2004, finds it difficult to believe what has happened. "People are still in shock, they don't know how this could happen at our club, because I think our club is known for normal football," he says. "We had two incidents earlier this season but a guy at the KNVB [the Dutch Football Association] said that we are in the top four or five teams in Amsterdam, with the fewest problems, so they didn't understand either."

Snoek admits, though, that one of those incidents this season involved the team that attacked Nieuwenhuizen. "It happened on 14 October," he says. "The players were shouting at the person who was in charge of the other team. We took measures. Inside our club we have a so‑called yellow card for the team. If some players don't behave properly, we can give the whole team a yellow card. If they get a yellow card, then the next time something happens, big or small, the team will be withdrawn from the competition as a whole.

"We had a talk to the team, so we gave them a warning and we also monitored the team during training. We thought they were learning; they behaved better at training, they arrived on time, they didn't swear at training. So I still don't understand what has happened on the pitch, why some of the boys blew up. But there is somebody dead and that is very tragic."

The KNVB has faced severe criticism for its own handling of the incident. On the Sunday night, when Nieuwenhuizen was dying, Mueller was asked to help the police with their inquiries by contacting the KNVB to get names and addresses of the players involved in the game. The KNVB's response left him speechless.

"I called the KNVB, there is a special number in the case of an emergency, and the first thing he said was: 'Do you know what time it is?' I said: 'Yeah, I know it's late, it's 11.30 in the evening but we have had problems with Nieuw-Sloten.' He said: 'Yes, I heard about it.' I said: 'OK, but we need some information.' He said: 'You are the first call tomorrow morning at nine o'clock.' He was saying: 'Ring me back in the morning.' I was angry as hell, of course, because I had seen Richard twice in hospital. I knew how bad it was.

"On the Monday morning, I didn't need to call any more because I knew arrests had been made. But during the day, Marcel [Oost, the club president] or me weren't called by the KNVB. And whenever the media asked, we said we hadn't heard anything. At 5.30pm, Richard died and everyone panicked, the KNVB as well, because the press jumped at them. And then one of the KNVB board members said: 'We had been in constant contact with the clubs.' I was more angry with that.

"Tuesday morning the big guys came over here, including Bernard Fransen [the president of KNVB amateur football], who is a nice guy, and they apologised. And from that moment we got full co-operation. I can't give any complaints now. But they were very slow initially. They completely misread the situation. Something like this happens, for sure they couldn't have saved Richard but they could have helped us by sending one guy with media training, who could have said: 'Take a seat, we're going to do it like this.' We would have liked it a lot if someone from the KNVB would have been here."

Fransen admits the KNVB dealt poorly with the situation and says lessons have been learned. "Our first response was not a good one at all. And we have apologised in public. I have been [to Buitenboys] myself for that, and within my organisation we have made sure that we will never, never make the same mistake again. It was an interpretation from one of the workers within the KNVB and it was a misunderstanding – we can't allow that. Now, fortunately, the club accepted our apologies and our help afterwards and we have been in close contact from that day."

Following discussions with Buitenboys, the KNVB decided to cancel all 33,000 amateur matches scheduled for the weekend after the incident – the only other time that has happened since the second world war was during the 1973 oil crisis – as a mark of respect to Nieuwenhuizen. Buitenboys paid their own tribute with a silent march, on which 12,000 people joined them in Almere, while the following day 800 of the club's younger players, wearing club colours and each carrying a single red rose, formed a guard of honour when the hearse arrived at the crematorium.

In the canteen at the club, which is upstairs in the two-storey building Buitenboys own – the pitches are rented from the council – candles flicker next to a framed picture of Nieuwenhuizen. Letters and cards, carrying messages of condolence from as far afield as Colombia and Australia, are piled up on the table. Outside, though, life goes on. A training session is under way on the pitch flanked by the 4,000 roses. "To be quite honest, I want the players to look at the flowers," Mueller says. "Because I don't want it to happen again."

There was a fatal incident in Amsterdam 12 months earlier, when a 77-year-old supporter was kicked in the chest by an amateur player who has since been sentenced to three years in prison for manslaughter. That tragedy, however, received nothing like the same publicity as Nieuwenhuizen's death, which has provoked fierce debate in the Netherlands and been discussed by everyone from Mark Rutte, the prime minister, to Johan Cruyff, the country's most famous footballer.

Eric van der Burg, the Amsterdam alderman whose portfolio in the city covers sport, explains why the response has been so different this time: "What happened last year was horrible but this [latest incident] was more horrible because it was a group of young people – 15 and 16 years old – and it wasn't an impulse; they stopped, followed him and kicked him again. And the fact he was a linesman also made it different because every linesman or referee, or their family, asked: 'Could it happen to me?' Women told their men: 'You can't be a referee tomorrow because I don't want to lose you.'"

Behind the image of the country that gave us total football, the Netherlands has more than its share of problems, which is why Nieuwenhuizen's death is being viewed by many in a much broader context and, in some cases, as a damning indictment of Dutch society. There is a strong racial subtext. Geert Wilders, the controversial far-right politician and Dutch Freedom party leader, tweeted: "We don't have a football problem, we have a Moroccan problem."

The ethnic background of those arrested has never been confirmed by the police or the public prosecution office but it has been reported in the Netherlands that several of the teenagers are of Moroccan descent. Snoek claimed he does not know the identify of all of those who have been arrested but said that, in terms of the team that played against Buitenboys on 2 December, "about six or seven were Moroccans." He does not, however, accept Wilders's provocations. "I reject the statement that it is a Moroccan problem. I think it's a community problem and it starts with the upbringing of the children."

'Give children their game back'

Boys and coaches in one of the changing rooms at SC Buitenboys

Nieuw-Sloten is a relatively new town, which was originally intended to be the site of the Olympic Village for the 1992 games only for Amsterdam to lose out to Barcelona. It has about 15,000 inhabitants and, according to Achmed Baadoud, the chairman of the council of the Amsterdam borough Nieuw-West, it is regarded as "one of the example areas of our district."

Although the teenagers that were arrested played for Nieuw-Sloten, some of them lived in other parts of Nieuw-West, an area with a diverse ethnic mix and not without its problems. Baadoud, who was born in Morocco, says that parental responsibility is a big issue there. "We have a group of parents that when they come with their children [to football], you really don't want to have them there. And we have another group of parents, they don't come. They even don't know in which team their children are playing; they deliver them at the door and they drive away. There are people who don't even know the teacher of their son or the team leader of the club. There is a lot of work to be done."

He will not, however, accept that the finger of blame can be pointed at one group of people. "It's very easy to scream and to say it's a Moroccan problem. On the other hand, I don't want to say we have no problems. I am very open and clear that we have to discuss. Families really need help and I'm trying to open their eyes. But if you stand outside and you scream it's a problem, it won't be solved and it might create another problem – people will feel: 'We are not welcome.'"

One thing that just about everyone in the Netherlands seems agreed on is that the country has a major issue with parental behaviour at children's matches. There is even a television programme, Heibel langs de lijn (Trouble Along the Field), where children can ring up and ask for their parents to be secretly filmed. The footage is then shown back to the parents, who sit alongside their son or daughter and, generally, cringe with embarrassment when they see themselves behaving hysterically and barking at their offspring from the sidelines.

Things got so bad in 2007 an organisation called Sire, which is funded by the media industry and tries to raise awareness of social issues in the country, ran adverts on television showing parents behaving badly while watching their child play football. There was a growing feeling in the Netherlands that parents had become preoccupied with seeing their child win, rather than having fun. The campaign slogan was: "Give children their game back."

Four years later, realising things had got little better, Sire carried out further research and released two more adverts, this time showing parents having a bad week at work and then taking out their frustration on their children on a Saturday. A spectator was filmed asking the angry parent: "Hey, how bad was your week?" The slogan at the end said: "Leave Monday to Friday at home on Saturday."

Buitenboys have had their own issues with parents. "Before the incident with Richard we were already discussing here, around the table, the question of whether we should organise a weekend of games without any parents because some of the parents are crazy," Mueller says. "They don't know how to behave. They shout and they make arguments to the linesman and the referee. I know for sure that if we had games here without parents, 90% of the incidents would disappear.

"We have boys and girls playing here, they are five- and six-year-olds, so they just want to kick the ball, they don't even know what winning is, but even there you get the parents shouting. We try to say to the parents: 'That's the wrong behaviour, be enthusiastic, be positive.' They don't listen. And we don't have the time to continue to watch them."

Van der Burg, who is speaking in his office at Amsterdam's City Hall, accepts that parents must take a large share of the blame but also believes that those at the top of the game could help to improve standards by being better role models. "It's more than only parents. I think that professional football gives a bad example," he says. "If you see European games, international games, matches in Dutch football and the UK, you see bad examples not only of the players but also of the coaches. And there it starts, because all of those little boys see their heroes misbehave and they think it's normal."

He also has another interesting theory for the lack of respect shown to referees and other people in positions of authority in the Netherlands. "The way we talk to our prime minister – I shouldn't think we should have to call him 'your excellency', but in the Netherlands everyone says 'Mark' [even in talk shows]. Yet in France, it's Le President. In the United States, it's Mr President," Van der Burg says.

"In the Netherlands we certainly say more to a policeman than in a lot of other countries, so when it comes to authority we don't have the same respect. And I think one of the things we have to get back is respect for authority. It was better at one time and we lost it to policemen, personnel of the ambulance, the fire department – we have had some incidents there as well. That makes it a bigger problem than football. But, on the other hand, when you compare football with other sports, and even when you correct it for the figures because there are many more football players than in other sports, it's much more of a problem in football in terms of the number of incidents."

'Without respect, no football'

By the entrance to the pitch where the tragedy happened, a sign saying 'without respect you have no football'

In a nation where 1.2 million play football every weekend, the KNVB realises it has to do something. Some measures were implemented prior to Nieuwenhuizen's death, including special training for referees, severe punishments for abuse of match officials and having a disciplinary team in place that reviews the incidents that take place on a weekend to see if a club needs special attention. A programme was introduced to help board members and volunteers promote respect at amateur clubs.

"We try and do everything we can," Fransen says. "We were thinking we were getting more of a grip on it but all of those rules and all those measures, they take already a long time and it's not enough. It takes a long time to change this culture, this behaviour. I can say also – and we are not hiding behind it – in Holland there is a culture of not accepting referees or authorities; we are a country of discussion. When it is discussion in a decent way, no problem. But when it is shouting and violence, we can't accept it."

When all the amateur games were cancelled, the KNVB encouraged clubs to meet and talk about programmes that were working well, along with the problems they are experiencing. They also took out full-page newspaper adverts saying: "Without respect, no football."

There are plans to broaden training programmes at grassroots level so coaches are taught how to deal with behavioural issues, as well as the technical aspects of the game in which the Netherlands has for so long excelled. Doing away with linesmen at the majority of matches at amateur level, as is the case in some other European countries, is also being considered because of the accusations volunteers are inevitably left open to if they raise the flag, or keep it down, at the wrong time.

The scale of the task facing the KNVB is obvious: even after the wave of publicity surrounding Nieuwenhuizen's death, another official was attacked in Arnhem last weekend. "You can't believe it," Fransen says. "Not so bad as in Almere but it was violence, they were shouting and then one guy hit the referee. After all that has happened … It was also a friendly game. It's terrible to say but it happens often. We do what we can and we will not accept it. This is the limit. We are as motivated as we can be to stop this idiocy."

The KNVB must also decide whether Nieuw-Sloten should be allowed to continue. An independent committee is putting together a report as part of the KNVB's investigation and, depending on the verdict, the governing body has the power to close down the club. Fransen's view is that "it was not a bad club" before the incident but he also admits: "I wouldn't be proud to be a member," right now.

Nieuw-Sloten held discussions with its 550 members over the weekend to gauge the mood. Snoek confirmed that two of the 41 teams – a girl's side and a senior men's side – have said they no longer wish to be associated with the club. One child has cancelled his membership after his father said that he was being bullied at school. There is an acceptance that more players may pull out but Nieuw-Sloten's intention is to carry on, albeit with stiffer punishments for players and parents who misbehave and more stringent checks applied to new members.

On Thursday night, Snoek and the Nieuw-Sloten president, Frans Mobron, travelled to Buitenboys to meet Mueller and Oost for the first time since Nieuwenhuizen died. "We talked about the past, the present and the future," Mueller says. "They are ashamed of what happened and apologised lots of times. I asked specifically: 'Did you think you could have prevented it? Did you let guys play in these teams while you were knowing they were dangerous?' They said: 'No, we could not have prevented it but now we are changing our rules.'"

Buitenboys also have changes in mind. "We will tell the people who come to our ground to play football that we have adopted the words 'Without respect, no football', so if parents are arguing against the referee or linesman, we will stop the game and give them a warning," Mueller says. "If they continue, we stop the game and the game is finished. For sure, we will have a lot of additional administration but people will get the message. The parents will tell each other: 'Keep your big mouth shut or the game will be stopped.' And the children will say in the car: 'Well done, Dad. Now I can't play football.'"

It will be another three weeks before Buitenboys play again, on 12 January, after the winter break. There will be a memorial game a few months later – Frank de Boer, the Ajax manager, will put together a team of former Dutch internationals to take on a Buitenboys XI – while discussions about a permanent tribute to Nieuwenhuizen are continuing. For the moment, though, 4,000 red roses and a poignant message by the side of a football pitch are a monument to a tragic loss of life.