The key is to eat frequent, small, unappetizing meals throughout the day and supplement with antioxidants in the form of red wine or dark chocolate.*

6:30am: toothpaste

7:30am: pre-schooler’s soggy leftover waffle

8am: Cheerios dug out of the crevices of the baby’s highchair, and neck

9am: coffee…any way you can get it (hot, cold, in the pot – 9 days old…)

12pm: crusts cut off from pre-schooler’s sunflower seed butter and jelly sandwich

12:15pm: the rest of the sandwich, save for the one bite the kid agreed to take

12:30pm: remaining coffee…cold

1pm: raisins? At least that’s what they appear to be after pulling them out of the rug

3pm: apple peel (result of sharing your snack with the pre-schooler)

5pm: Diet caffeinated beverage and goldfish by the handful as you hide out in the kitchen for the time it takes your pre-schooler to put away her Legos yet not so long that the baby has entrapped himself in the electrical cord nest under the desk

6pm: the stalks of your pre-schooler’s broccoli; the skins of her sweet potato and her half-chewed drumstick (or seitan chunks for vegans)

11pm: birth control pill

*Always consult with a physician before embarking on any eating plan you stumbled across on the internet.