The question you’ve all been wondering has finally been answered.

Do people have sex in Heaven? Absolutely not!

At least that’s the response from Greg Morse, a staff writer for the website Desiring God, who previously blasted the feminist “insanity” in Captain Marvel and said that “effeminate” men won’t get into Heaven at all.

Morse says he was recently talking to an “avid admirer of women’s company” who mentioned that the supposed Islamic belief in 72 virgins sounded very appealing. Which is totally the sort of conversation normal people have around a Christian writer… and is very believable since people who have lots of sex always talk about how much fun virgins are.

Anyway, Morse said there’s no sex in Heaven — much to the man’s surprise — because God has something way, way better in store for everyone.

I have need to remind myself: All that is sweet in human marriage to my coheir on this earth will not be ultimately lost but transformed. The new depth of intimacy I will have with my Lord — and every other saint, including my spouse — will look back on the caterpillar of earthly joys with fondness but not longing. And this makes marriage, and the intoxication of sexual intimacy, all the sweeter now. … We enjoy our candy now, and as we do, we grow in our trust in the Father who knows how to give good — the best gifts — to his children. Our heaven does not offer sexual pleasure, but it offers that which makes sexual pleasure obsolete.

By that logic, everything Christians say about Heaven is meaningless since you can just say there’s something better awaiting them. (A harp? We have even more glorious instruments in Heaven. A toilet?! No one shits in Heaven! Seeing your loved ones again? We have even better loved ones in Heaven!) It’s also a cruel answer for all those people who don’t get to experience sex on Earth due to self-imposed abstinence, a lack of opportunities, or a disability.

But given how many conservative Christians believe sex is only permissible within the bounds of marriage if the goal is to have a baby, and you’re not married or giving birth in Heaven, the answer is the only one that makes sense using their own warped logic. (Turns out, in Heaven, no one is risen.)

At least we can all sleep soundly knowing there’s plenty of sex in Hell.

(Image via Shutterstock)

