NEW YORK—Confirming the accident occurred while transferring a new load of cash into Hillary Clinton’s campaign finance warehouse, sources reported that Hillary for America treasurer Jose Villarreal was crushed to death Friday after a stack of campaign funds toppled over onto him. “We are deeply saddened to report that our friend and colleague Jose Villarreal was killed instantly this morning when one of our forklifts struck a 30-foot stack of contributions, knocking over several pallets of campaign money and trapping him underneath,” said the campaign’s communications director, Jennifer Palmieri, who confirmed that Villarreal had been inventorying a particularly cramped and dangerous section of the warehouse dedicated to financial firm contributions when as much as $6 million came crashing down on top of him. “Unfortunately, by the time our staffers rushed in and dug Mr. Villarreal out from under the pile of bills and checks, it was too late. An entire week’s worth of fundraising fell on him, so, sadly, there was no chance of pulling him out alive.” Palmieri added that all staffers handling campaign funds would henceforth be required to wear hard hats and other protective equipment.

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