0:22 A dog or a bambi or something is eating or drinking something and simultaneously listening to the voice-over of an emo. This is not going to be good. Luckily, the camera crew scares the shit out of it.

1:00 Meditating over a cactus. I already want to shove it up the director´s creativity-hole.

1:47 OK, so the voice-over chick´s mom and new boyfriend are understandably tired by her incessant self-obsessed narration and have decided to abandon her. They ship her off to her dad to the strains of surprisingly generic 70´s style radio rock.

2:00 The titles and I am already ready to kill myself.

2:22 Did she say she is going to be living in a small town called “Porks?”

2:35 Oh, Forks. Big diff. Emo girl´s dad is the chief of police and just glanced at her in an incredibly creepy way in the cop car. Weirdos stand next to wooden bears eating fish. I feel this movie is going out of its way to be ethnic.

3:00 She has brought a cactus. I will assume it is her only friend. She will get more warmth from it than from her weird-ass dad.

4:00 Her relationship with her dad is awkward. WE GET IT

4:37 I am unsure if I am supposed to like any of these people. Wheelchair dude seems to be saying lines that wants to be endearing. They are not.

4:50 They have _exactly_ the same hairstyles.

5:08 Emo Girl is given a rusty orange truck that looks like something my son would leave in the sand box. She is happy about it. This response emphasizes to me that this movie has no idea what “good” is. Also note how Hairstyle Boy is straight out of the “dumbly grinning mannequin” catalogue. He doesn´t move.

05:43 ALRIGHT driving to your new high school in a losermobile on your first day. I am predicting that she will not be popular! MY GOD CAN I BE PSYCHIC??? I mean it is so unpredictable.

06:02 Why are all the cool kids hanging out in the parking lot? It sort of takes the sting out of their jibes when you realize they have been standing there for months, just waiting for someone with a non-standard car.

06:16 They have the same hair, too. Is this movie sponsored by Laboratoire Garnier?

06:48 Who the hell WAS that “Eric” guy? He was wearing a tie, had a girl´s hairstyle and was acting like someone was holding a gun to his head and screaming “SMILE! SMILE GODDAMMIT!”. I was so distracted that I didn´t listen to a word he said.

07:32 Bella apparently goes to Jackass High now.

08:11 What the hell? These people have NO sense of personal space. I would have one-upped them and peed all over the table. That will show those eager-to-please cultist freaks.

08:49 Bella looks out of a random window through blinds and asks “Who are they?” Weirdo journalist papparazzi chick knows who she means, even though they are in a crowded cafeteria and Bella could have been looking at ANYONE.

09:12 The big dude in the white clothes TOTALLY has baby powder all over his face. And so does Jasper. If these tards turn out to be vampires I will vomit into my DVD player. School plays have better makeup than this. Their necks are a different color from their faces, for the love of Chrizzoo.

09:48 Oh, here he is. Edward Cullen. Also with baby powder. They are serious about this, aren´t they? Why didn´t they just paint a trickle of red at the sides of their mouth and give them big capes? You can get a set at Toys-R-Us for like a buck.

10:19 The lust/desire/worry/confusion/wooden acting just pulsates through the cafeteria. Whatever I am supposed to be feeling, I am totally feeling it, man!

10:33 If the movie is trying to be funny, it just succeeded. Bella walks in front of a randomly placed fan (aren´t we in March in Washington State?) and her hair blows in convenient slow-motion. Edward shares the startled look of the randomly splayed white owl behind him as a piece of paper schwings up like an unwanted erection. Haha? Right? PLEASE try to be ironic here. PLEASE (weeps)

10:58 Edward is holding in his barf as Bella is assigned a seat next to him in the world´s strangest class room. In real life, all those free-standing stuffed animals would be graffitied and torn apart in a week.

11:14 I am laughing out loud at the fact that Edward Cullen is regarded as gorgeous. Sure, the actor playing him has annoyingly handsome bone structure, but the make-up and his expressions that make him look like he is constantly crapping his pants drops him a few percentage points down the sexy scale.

11:44 The high school´s administration has been decorated by pre-schoolers and is staffed by people with extremely odd hair.

12:20 More freaks in an eating establishment. Nothing to see here.

13:15 I think I am supposed to think that Bella has a good relationship with her mom. I would prefer more shots of Edward intensely soiling himself.

13:50 Thhheeere you go. Let ´er rip, sailor.

14:36 Edward doesn´t show up because he has dysentry. Case closed. Can I go now?

15:02 Cut to a Jerry Bruckheimer Movie “Bob The Builder Gets Chased By Milli Vanilli”.

15:34 Well, that was nice. Back to “Twilight” and Bella slips on implausably islanded ice. See? What the hell was that fan doing there? Huh? HUH? Fresh leaves on the trees anyway.

16:44 YAY POO BOY IS BACK! And crapping away from the first second.

17:25 That teacher is everything I don´t want to be.

17:43 He can talk while he poos!

17:56 “Mind if I look? – It´s a trollface”. Yeah, that´s what I see in microscopes.

18:28 Bella does not like cold, wet things. She won´t like his underpants, then.

19:45 What the hell was that look, Bella? It was pure, unrelenting horniness, that is what it was. Shame on you.

Haven’t had enough? What are you, a madman? Read on here, for minutes 20 through 40.