



When a man is pushed into a corner, he shoots his way out.

My girlfriend has turned herself into a possum and this of course equals me jerking off next to her while she’s asleep. I’ve heard other men talk about doing this shit and it’s always hilarious because of how pathetic it seems. But like I said, a man finds a way. What women don’t understand is every time they deny their man a blowjob, or handjob, or a piece of pussy, whatever, the man becomes very angry. Not angry as in resorting to violence—that’s retarded—but in the way of asking himself, "When is this bitch finally going to fall asleep already so I can jerk off?"

Men mentally refer to their girlfriends as bitches on a regular basis. This is the equivalent of women getting together and pointing out their man’s every flaw with great ridicule. My girlfriend continues to wage a war against my dick’s happiness (bitch.)

Not to worry!

Men are solution finders and we find the quickest route to it. In my case, this means holding your breath for record amounts of time while rubbing one out and trying to remain as silent as possible. But tread lightly because I shit you not, just as I’m blowing my quiet load, my girlfriend is rattled awake by a nose itch and opens her eyes to find me staring back at her. She seemed frightened at first and shocked to find me staring openly back at her (I was deep in thought with the idea of fucking her in the ass) one more thing to add to the list of what I can’t have and of course making me blow my load in record time, but fuck me if she didn’t wake up right in the middle of it! I’m cumming, she’s staring at me like I’ve come to kill her and the best I can do is awkwardly clear my throat and ask, "Are you awake now?"

It seemed to work as she went right back to sleep and I laid there stiff as a corpse. I had built up a barrier of blanket so she couldn’t see my erection and nut-shot across my own belly, so I don’t think she knew, but it definitely got my heart rate going. I thought I’d done everything right to pull this off. I used my laptop to watch porn on mute beforehand, built the barrier and even held my breath to the point of almost passing out, yet I still was almost caught red-handed. This was only my first time trying to pull such a stunt, but I’m guessing it won’t be the last. This is the kind of shit that goes down when your fuck buddy suddenly goes possum. I’m gonna master this shit to the point of giving sleep facials, but of course I’ll clean her up afterwards. I’m not a monster.

Stay tuned…

—JESSE ANDREW