Dear Abby, 16 December 2013:

DEAR ABBY: I recently went on a first (and last) date with a “gentleman.” He ordered himself a beer and a prime rib dinner. He never asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink. As flabbergasted as I was, I have a theory: Men today are different from those of the past, and my guess it’s because the pierced and tattooed gals today speak and act like sailors, therefore ruining it for the rest of us. Am I right? – PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

Dear Puzzled,

It would hard for someone to be more right than you are, because the honest truth is that when women–we use the term loosely, as we must–get tattoos and body piercings, they prevent you from being able to order food at a restaurant. These thoughtless, body-defiling tarts think little of how their actions will affect other people who rely on them for the ability to read a menu and speak to a server.

But let’s not pretend that your date is faultless in all of this. He failed to recognize the obvious chain of events–scores of unscrupulous floozies getting tattoos and body piercings, and doing cusses–that forced you to sit in aching silence as he rudely communicated his wants and needs to people whose job it is to bring him food and drink in exchange for money. Moreover, he made the strange assumption that an adult woman might be able to voice a desire for nutritional sustenance without the express invitation of her male dining partner.

If you’d allowed your acquaintance with this “gentleman” to continue, it’s very likely that you’d run into all kinds of situations where other women’s personal aesthetic choices would prevent you from obtaining basic goods and services. You might go to a movie and find that you had to stand the whole time, because he never asked you if you’d like to sit down! You could end up at a musical performance, unable to hear the instruments, because this clod never asked you if you wanted to listen to them! You might find yourself at an art show staring at blank walls, wondering when your date would invite you to look at the paintings!

Bullets, my good lady, have been dodged.