Meet Dave Wendt, an unassuming “American” white man from Wisconsin. Much like your typical “American,” Dave is a die-hard sports fan who follows his local teams–in this case, the Green Bay Packers. He loves his wife very much and has been married for over 20 years. He is a devout Christian and a true patriot. In fact, Dave loves Jesus so much he became a pastor of the First Evangelical Lutheran Church in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

Dave is a big supporter of the NRA and gun rights–a strict “constitutionalist.” In being so, Dave has a deep resentment towards the current President of the USA, Barack Obama. Dave isn’t worried about the little things, like the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, social justice or inequality. (In fact, he supports those fully, but we’ll get into that in a moment.) He is more concerned with the bigger picture: whether or not the President of the USA is a citizen, the dreaded Obamacare and about those mooching border-hoppers taking advantage of the US’ “welfare state” programs.

Pastor Dave, being the all-American, God-fearing, law-abiding citizen that he is, always keeps the US military and the US police in his thoughts and prayers. After all, he’s a part of the “Blue Lives Matter” movement that has been advocating for greater police rights to kill with impunity across the country. This position puts Dave at odds with the “Black Lives Matter” movement–mainly “colored” people who Dave sees as undesirables. Dave despises these elements so much that it’s enough for him to stray away from the teachings of Jesus and the Bible.

On March 26th, 2015 Dave came across an article titled “A just and free world means a world without police,” which was published in Journal Sentinel Online (JS), a Milwaukee, Wisconsin blog. The article, written by Clair Van Fossen, angered Dave so much that he felt it his duty as an “all American white man” to put his foot down and do something about it, but what could Dave do? Dave sat in front of his computer fuming as he read the article. He decided to click on the link attached to the author’s name on JS to dig up some information on this devilish woman who shamefully wrote such things about the most heroic law enforcement officers of the freest and most beautiful nation on Earth.

Dave became frustrated and finicky when the link did not lead to a bio section of contributing writers. The link pulled up the author’s email instead. He decided to make the most of it and shot off a well-crafted email blasting Van Fossen and her article. Dave had a satisfied look over his face when he pressed send. His anger chilled. Not just because he had got his anger and vengeance out, but that in doing so, Dave was elevated back to his proper position in life as an “all American white man” in full and complete control of his surroundings–just as God had intended.

Unfortunately for Dave, America had been dealing with a relative amount of social unrest caused by its self-determined undesirable populations. “Colored people” around the country had been yelling and screaming in almost every city in every state of the country. Some of these people marched. Some shut down trains and police stations. Others looted stores, burned downed businesses and attacked police. These undesirables continuously brought up slavery, police murders, colonialism, racism, genocide, sexism and other historically unimportant issues so much that the “all-American white” population had to hear it and make some type of insignificant overture– like barely acknowledging these were issues at all.

As insignificant an overture as “not really acknowledgement” is, it had caught the attention of large swaths of the countries undesirables including the ones who somehow learned how to use and had access to social media. If it hadn’t been for that, and the fact that Dave had his auto-signature attached to the email with his real name, Dave’s email could have had its intended chilling effect. But that’s not what happened:

[ READ: Pastor resigns after being linked to threatening email ]

Pastor Dave now lives in a constant state of panic due to all the undesired attention from the undesirable population. He has no place to run or hide–not even his church. (Well, the church is no longer “his” because he was forced to resign.) Now Dave’s only place of solace is at home with the blinds shut, thinking to himself, “How did this happen?” “I’m an all-American white man.” “This is not possible.”

[BAI NOTE: The following is based on a true story. Some events were dramatized and (hopefully) obviously satirized. ]

Sources: Pastor Dave Wednt’s Facebook Page

Follow Claire Van Fossen on Twitter: @ ClaireVanFossen