It is then explained that only two members of the team actually have to face elimination today, and the team must convene to decide who those two are. Tom, as leader of the team, puts himself on the "chopping block” (haha, cooking pun!), declaring "I'll throw my hat in the ring", apparently labouring under the misconception that he is Hayden. The rest of the team admires his self-sacrifice. Kumar then says that as the Man Who Ruined The Ciabatta, he should also be up for elimination, and the rest of the team agrees and tells him to get the hell out. Tom and Kumar come down to the floor, and Gary tells them that the blue team is enjoying a beautiful lunch at Jonah's of Whale Beach. He says "I hate to tell you this", but frankly this viewer doubted his sincerity. We then cut to the blue team getting on a plane as MasterChef briefly becomes Survivor. Arriving at Jonah's, the team is presented with a beautiful selection of tiny bits of food in the centre of enormous white plates. The lunch is free, but the diners are shown the prices so they can understand just how special it is. Chelsea is overjoyed at the treat, scanning the menu eagerly for signs of Italian food that she can pronounce with an exaggerated accent. The chef then invites the team into the kitchen and teaches them to make crème brulee, in a flagrant breach of health and safety regulations. Back in Tension Kitchen, and Kumar and Tom continue to face off against Gary in a scene reminiscent of Once Upon A Time In The West. Gary explains that they will be presented with the favourite ingredients of three special food-type people, and will have to turn each one into a dish, with no recipes, and for some reason they will be cooking in the round. It seems a little complicated, and one starts to wonder how much footage had to be edited out of the contestants saying, "Sorry, could you repeat that?" Kumar and Tom confess they are terrified, not so much due to the challenge as the ravenous look on Matt's face. From up above, the rest of the red team applauds and whoops in an utterly unhelpful manner, and Matt explains to the camera that he's glad it's not him, stunning audiences with his sharp insights into the process. A small woman called Abla now enters, and we are asked to take it on faith that she is a famous chef and not just the cameraman's Nana. She has brought in some pistachios and wants Kumar and Tom to make baklava. Kumar and Tom confess they have never made baklava, but they have eaten it, and ask Matt if the challenge could be modified to an eating contest instead. At this point the kitchen bursts into flames and Asher Keddie collapses in the bath.

When we return, the cooking starts. We cut to Kate explaining the rules of the challenge that we heard just before. Well done Kate, couldn't do without you. The two men begin earnestly tossing random ingredients into random receptacles, in the hope that at some point they will assemble themselves into a baklava. Tom observes that Kumar "springs up behind me with half a lemon", clearly suspecting an assassination attempt. Gary informs Matt that they both look nervous. Matt nods sagely. Gary stops the clock to undermine the contestants' confidence a little, and introduce the second chef, Sean Something from some Japanese place, who explains to us that you eat with your eyes, a statement that illustrates the inadvisability of allowing someone with such a poor understanding of digestive processes to become an executive chef. Sean reveals his ingredient is tempura flour, suggesting that they will have to make McNuggets. The amateurs get back to work, Tom heating his oil and Kumar looking up "baklava" in the dictionary. Some close-ups of kitchen utensils follow, in the style of a welding montage from the A-Team. Abla gives Tom some advice, which sounded to me like it was about nuts, but which Tom says was that he was "trying to make a Big Mac when all I need is a quarter pounder". Strange advice when making baklava, but I guess she knows her stuff. There now comes number 35 in a series of 87,546 SURPRISE TWISTS, as the third judge in the challenge is revealed to be…MATT PRESTON. He smiles hungrily, and informs the contestants that the third ingredient is ... a massive ball of fire. Returning to the kitchen, Gary tells Matt he's intrigued, which seems unlikely, and Matt unveils a box of limes – Kumar and Tom's final task will be to undertake a sea voyage without contracting scurvy. The esteemed Mr Preston informs the pair that they will have to cook about fifteen different things, and then rubs salt into the wound by telling them "it's easy", just so they’ll feel worse when they fail miserably.

Kumar hurls himself into his work, slicing into some corncobs like a practised serial killer, while Tom wanders about in a daze trying to remember his own name. Kumar and Tom then proceed to inform the viewer of the details of their cooking methods, in the seeming belief that Masterchef is in some way about cooking, rather than, as we all know, about observing ordinary people undergo slow, sweaty nervous breakdowns in front of the entire nation. With ten minutes to go, Gary yells at them that "everything is riding" on this, in case they've forgotten the rules of the show in the last hour. Tom observes that he still needs to do … well, just about everything. He gets some advice from Not-Japanese Sean about making his batter the consistency of cream, and follows this advice despite it coming from a man who believes food is eaten through the eyes. Kumar puts ice into his batter mixture, leading this viewer to suspect that the pressure has, finally, driven him mad. Gary yells out "one minute to go", as if this is going to help them in some way, and Kumar suddenly realised he has no dish for his sauce. Tom, meanwhile, needs some icing sugar, and time seems to dilate, Matrix-style, as both men do a hundred things in the blink of an eye, proving that the secret to great cookery is indeed tight editing. After a quick break to confirm that, in fact, Offspring is a program on Channel Ten, we return to the kitchen, which has been invaded by a rogue pianist who is bringing everyone down with depressing music. Gary tells Kumar and Tom they did a hell of a job, a blatantly insincere statement given that for all he knows, they've served up a pile of stoat vomit.

Abla tastes Kumar’s baklava, which kind of looks like lasagna, but I assume that's just me. She says "not bad", but the look of violent disappointment on her dear little face says much more. She then tastes Tom's and observes the unnecessariness of the icing sugar, and by implication the unnecessariness of Tom. She says they did a good job, but her body language suggests she just wants to go home and have a hot shower to wash the failure off herself. Sean then tastes the two tempura prawn dishes – interestingly putting the food in his mouth rather than his eye sockets. Tom's prawns are just barely cooked, leading everyone to hope that at some point someone will tell him not to come the raw prawn, just to lighten the mood. Sean then observes the vegetables were very well-cut, which is a depressing sort of compliment really, like being told your child is very punctual. The suave Mr Preston steps up to taste the eighteen-course Mexican feast he asked for. He declares himself pleased with Kumar's dish, and also with Tom's, even though the latter made him pull a face like a man with jumper leads attached to his tender portions. Finally we come to the crunch – the voting. Gary tells Abla she had a tough decision, and everyone plays along with this charade. She votes for Kumar, noting that his dish "tasted nice", in a radical departure from usual Masterchef judging criteria. In a shock twist, Matt then votes for Tom, leading to a deadlock by complete coincidence. Now it's Sean’s turn – will it be Kumar's delightful prawns, or Tom's skill at cutting things into pieces? Sean prepares to show what name he is written down, and sets fire to his card. We are then confronted with the surprise news that Offspring's addictive new season returns Monday. Returning, Gary tells Kumar he has one point, and Tom that he has one point. Each man thanks Gary for reminding them, because they'd completely lost count. Sean then lies through his teeth and tells them they both did a good job. And then … he holds up his card …

And it's KUMAR! Shock sweeps the kitchen as we try to absorb what we kind of already knew. Gary, being a sadist, asks Tom what's going through his mind. We are all wondering the same thing – is he happy? Sad? Sleepy? It turns out he is "disappointed", particularly that he volunteered for the elimination at the start, instead of making Alex do it. As he goes home, Tom confides that food is more important to him than ever, because he hasn't eaten in a week. Meanwhile, back at the house, the blue team cooks dinner and waits for the red team's return. Danielle informs us that it is "tense", in yet another gripping revelation, before Kumar enters the room alone, apparently having lost the rest of the red team somewhere on the way home. And speaking of home, Tom returns to his loving family, and admits that food will always be an important part of his life, confirming that he has indeed decided to continue eating. We are also told that he has begun selling food in little boxes, a stark reminder of the psychological toll Masterchef can take. We move on to a sneak preview of tomorrow night's Masterclass episode, in which some food will have things done to it in quite boring ways, and then to an exclusive sneak peek of the new season of Offspring, which is, according to rumour, returning soon. And then it’s back to the kitchen, where Bea is threatening to put Doreen’s head in the steam press oh wait no I’m watching Prisoner now.

Ben’s book Superchef – A Parody is out now, published by Allen and Unwin Follow Ben’s live Masterchef commentary at twitter.com/pobjiechef