This contribution will undertake a discussion of emotionally incestuous mother–son relationships. After a brief, but general discussion that defines such concepts as enmeshment, differentiation and individuation, the discussion will focus on how family system breaches adversely affect children’s social and emotional development. Then specific attention will be given to the long-term adverse impacts of unhealthy mother–son relationships.

Enmeshment Barber and Buehler (1996) defined enmeshment as “family patterns that facilitate psychological and emotional fusion among family members, potentially inhibiting the individuation process and the development and maintenance of psychosocial maturity” (p. 433). Barber and Buehler contended, further, that enmeshment is a culprit in children’s stifled development of skills to deal adequately with common social stressors. Enmeshed families are characterized by levels of emotional closeness that are often seen as constraining. These families use manipulation, usually in the form of overly excessive, but superficial expressions of love and unity to demand loyalty from their members. Conflicts are blanketed under the guise of solidarity and great effort is expended in maintaining the status quo. Members of enmeshed families typically describe their families as conflict free, while at the same time, these very units are characterized by high demands for conformity (Barbarin & Tirado, 1985; Williams & Hiebert, 2001). Enmeshed families depend on each other excessively. Paradoxically, members of these families tend to have a limited sense of their own identity, and therefore make decisions based on emotions, and as a reaction to the perceived wishes of other members of the system (Kinnier, Brigman, & Noble, 1990). So profound is the impact of enmeshment on families that researchers have determined there to be relationships between these unhealthy familial interactions and physiological functioning. Mengel, Davis, Abell, and Baker (1991) noted previous findings of an increased probability of low birth weight among infants born into families who fit the characterization of being enmeshed. This same team of researchers also discovered a positive correlation between maternal blood pressure and family enmeshment. According to Mengel et al. (1991), the stress produced by the intensive stifling of autonomy in enmeshed family systems serves to exact adverse physiological consequences on expectant mothers. These women tend to have elevated blood pressure during the gestational period. With controlled health factors, pregnant women from enmeshed systems tend to show at least an average increase of 3 mmHg in systolic blood pressure, as compared with a control group. Other physiological implications of family enmeshment include findings of the effectiveness of structural therapy as a tool in facilitating greater management of diabetes in adolescents. These kinds of physiological responses, as said by Mengel et al. (1991), are likely the products of delayed conflict resolution and poor or maladaptive family coping options. It is only prudent that a word of caution be interjected here. Some may argue, and reasonably so, that family support and togetherness is associated with positive outcomes in times of distress. Moreover, family support seems crucial in propelling people forward in their personal and professional lives. More than a decade ago, Barber and Buehler (1996) sought to clarify those family factors that support individuation from those that stifle emotional development. Cohesion and enmeshment, the researchers assert, are not linear, but, more importantly, are conceptually different notions. Barber and Buehler clearly deciphered between enmeshment and its relative cohesion. Although enmeshment is rooted in manipulation and control, they say, cohesion is a positive trait that is an example of supportive family interactions. Cohesion, according to Barber and Buehler (1996), is defined as “shared affection, support, helpfulness, and caring among family members” (p. 433). Manzi et al. (2006) added to this definition the notion of tolerance of intimacy as a vital component in understanding cohesion, as opposed to enmeshment. Like their fellow researchers 10 years earlier, Manzi et al. confirmed that family cohesion and family enmeshment are two separate and distinct constructs. Like Barber and Buehler, Manzi et al. found that cohesion was related to positive behavioral outcomes and psychological well-being among adolescents. Furthermore, Manzi et al. were able to consistently demonstrate the existence of a positive correlation between family cohesion and positive adolescent behavioral outcomes across cultural lines. Both research teams found an inverse relationship between enmeshment and positive behavioral outcomes and psychological well-being. The enmeshed system may be summarized, then, as having both internal and external boundary management problems. In enmeshed systems, internal boundaries that define interpersonal familial relationships are weak, whereas boundaries to the world outside of the system are rigid (Manzi et al., 2006).

Maternal Enmeshment Although we have given discussion to enmeshed systems, we will now consider the issue of the enmeshed relationship between a parent and a particular child. We will refer to the victim of maternal enmeshment as the “chosen child,” to borrow a concept provided by Love (1990, p. 8). Parental enmeshment not only hinders but also prevents differentiation of the child, resulting in a dance of circular immaturity and reactivity between the parent and child (Minuchin, 1974). Bevcar and Bevcar (1996) described the enmeshed parent as one who blurs familial boundaries and engages in hovering behaviors. These parents, they contend, are overly accessible to their children and they simply “do too much” (Bevcar & Bevcar, 1996, p. 193) for their children. The end result, they add, is a loss of autonomy by the child. These children, then, according to Bevcar and Bevcar (1996), tend to rely on their parents instead of on their own capabilities. They develop a fear of experimentation, a fear of failure, and a fear of success. Grotevant and Cooper (1986) provided evidence that diffusion of family boundaries was highly correlated with lowered tendency toward exploratory behaviors by adolescents, whereas Gavazzi (1993) showed that adolescents from systems where mothers are deemed to be enmeshed not only show difficulties in formatting identity but they also have difficulties in participating in interdependent peer relationships. Gavazzi (1993) contended, further, that these children tend to view themselves as forever in need of other people’s assistance and will continue to call on family members for help in decision making. As indicated in previous sections of this contribution, parenting offers some rewards that are not only gratifying for the child but for the mother as well. Some of the parental benefits require the presence of offsetting forces if adaptive boundaries between parent and child are to develop and be maintained (Love, 1990). In this author’s more than 10 years of clinical experience, often is the case when, despite the existence of other relationship obligations, a mother may stretch the limits of parenting far beyond what is healthy. In such cases, these relationships are laden with boundary violations and breaches of familial subsystems. A case synopsis might serve to illustrate the nature of maternal enmeshment: While delivering Multi-Systemic Therapy (MST) in the home of a former client, the case of maternal enmeshment was blaringly evident. The 8-week intensive in-home service delivery model afforded this provider an in-depth look at the true workings of this particular family system. While the entire system presented with overt characteristics of enmeshment (seven of nine adult male children between the ages of 34 and 49 had never been married, and paid daily visits to the family matriarch; the mother prepared daily meals and provided laundry services for the seven unmarried adult males), the relationship between the 74-year old mother and one son (then age 39) was particularly disturbing. Clearly this son had been designated the “chosen child.” Other members of the family were clear in their description of this son as the mother’s favorite. While this son was now an adult, his history revealed more than 20 years of adulthood with at least nine consecutive romantic relationships of short duration. The “chosen child” in this case, along with the mother in this system, described their relationship as one of “friends.” This family expressed no disease in volunteering that the mother took the liberty of interceding on her son’s behalf to secure a date for her 37-year-old son. The target of the son’s affection denied the man a date, so the mother called to find out why the woman had not wanted to go out with her son. Neither the son, nor the mother found anything inappropriate about this, or other similar incidents. Interestingly, or rather, expectedly, the relationship between the father and mother in this family was severely compromised. The father presented as a powerful figure, answering questions for the wife and other family members. In the father’s presence the mother was quiet and conceding. Whenever the “chosen child” son would enter the room, however, the father would exit. This was a noticeable pattern over the course of the therapy. In her son’s presence the mother clearly became more comfortable. Her facial expressions changed, as did her demeanor and her willingness to engage. In the son’s presence, the mother smiled frequently, responded to questions, and even volunteered information. Although this particular case seems to be an “over-the-top” illustration of maternal enmeshment, it clearly demonstrates the magnitude of the ill effects of emotionally incestuous relationships. Love (1990) defined emotional incest between a mother and son as maternal enmeshment with a child to the degree that the child’s sense of self is so limited and his need for connection with his mother is so great that the child is powerless over the relationship. In such a relationship, according to Love, the mother keeps her son dependent on her while paradoxically, using him to fulfill her own emotional needs. Bradshaw (1989) termed this unhealthy bond spousification of the child, and characterized it as a blatant violation of the intimacy taboo between parent and child. The mother, in this and related cases, is preying on the child’s admiration and unconditional love to meet a need for which children are inadequately equipped—marital partnership. Adult partnering requires and is contingent on partners’ readiness to actively engage in processes such as intimacy formation, companionship, problem solving, ego fulfillment, and ego release. These are all tasks, according to Forward (1989), that require at least adult levels of emotional and psychological development. Much like the case summary noted above, the “chosen child” only notices the exclusivity of his relationship with and his access to his mother. He enjoys the attention he receives in the form of shared confidences, extra privileges, praise, and affection. The emotionally incestuous relationship results in its victim “mama’s boy” (Love, 1990, p. 8) having limited age-appropriate interactions with his siblings or other peers. Consequently, he also has limited opportunities to practice being a child. This gross lack of appropriate peer group experiences perpetuates the child’s already arrested social development. Ultimately, this child will stagnate in his emotional, as well as his social, development and will tend to function primarily in reaction to others. Although we recognize that the challenges inherent in the emotional incest victim’s adult life affects his ability to engage on an emotional level, there is yet another component of this person’s adult relationship that may also suffer. Adams’s (2011) insights into the depths of such a pathological bond speak to the emotional unavailability of emotional incest victims in their adult sexual relationships. One may be inclined to ask, in all sincerity, how it is that emotional incest gets in the way of its victim’s adulthood sexual expressions. Because victims of emotional incest carry their intense needs into their adult relationships, according to Adams, it is not uncommon that they marry their emotionally abusive parents. It stands to reason, then, that these adults (both the victim and his like-minded spouse) are ill equipped for healthy adult relationships in several life domains. Their emotional intimacy with their spouses will be compromised, as will be their ability for healthy sexual expression. According to Adams (2011), the emotional incest victim’s adult sexual relationship is commonly marked by lack of passion at one end of the spectrum or volatility at the other. Ultimately, what is notably consistent in the sexual expression of the maternally enmeshed adult male is the need for escape, rather than connection (Adams & Morgan, 2007). Adams and Morgan (2007) explained that the maternally enmeshed adult male struggles to remain loyal to the role to which he has been assigned by his mother. This role, mind you, is not one of a fully individuated adult who is aware of, and can fully express a range of feelings. This definition ascribed by the abuser is one whereby the victim is constantly in need of someone else’s opinion to determine his own worth. Erotic engagement for this person, then, lacks the depth of give-and-take reminiscent of healthy exchange, and is, rather, more like a performance for which he is to be rated.

The Therapeutic Setting In considering offering therapeutic intervention to emancipate the maternally enmeshed man, one must understand that the enmeshed relationship between mother and son is the product of bilateral interactions of need. Schwartzman (2006), Dickstein et al. (2004), as well as family systems theorist over the span of decades have recognized that the enmeshed relationship is a co-construction between both parties (Bradshaw, 1988a, 1988b; Love, 1990). Both parties, they offer, contribute to the relationship’s continuation. Although one might subsume, then, that emancipation of the chosen child from the maladaptive grips of his enmeshed mother requires both parties, the fact is that emancipation is rarely the goal of both parties involved in such a relationship (Schwartzman, 2006). Schwartzman offer that generally it is the chosen child who seeks to heal the relationship between he and an overpowering mother. The catalyst for the chosen child to seek assistance is usually chronic anxiety, depression, and an undeniable pattern of unhealthy and emotionally unrewarding interpersonal relationships (Love, 1990; Schwartzman, 2006). Although it is possible for the chosen child to be emancipated from his enmeshed mother, or from the undifferentiated ego mass that is his family, more often than not the only emancipation that occurs is the chosen child from a wife who has grown weary of the family fusion. For the chosen child, emancipation requires great effort—often more effort than this person is willing to invest, or can muster. Emancipation requires acknowledgment that the enmeshed relationship is unhealthy. As the chosen child has adopted similar values as the doting mother, it is unlikely that he will see the maternal relationship as a contributing factor in his inability to secure and maintain healthy adult functioning. Moreover, seeking emancipation means being dethroned—This translates into losing a position of power and prestige in the family to become “ordinary.” Growth from this arrested place of social and emotional stagnation requires the victim of maternal enmeshment to challenge long-held and deeply ingrained beliefs, not only about himself but also more importantly about the system from which he comes. The reconceptualization of the system as broken usually requires insight from a source or sources that the chosen child deems credible. The hallmarks of treatment for the maternally enmeshed son, then, are sure to include intensive education on enmeshment. These include teaching clients about the characteristics within systems that indicate or are related to the development and sustenance of maladaptive interactions among members. The client must be able to apply these concepts to his own relationship and be made to connect his unhealthy relationship with his mother to his unhealthy relationships with peers.

Conclusion A family is typically thought of as that cohesive unit with which one has so much in common, but that simultaneously affords individuals the freedom to also exercise personal differences. We reasonably expect our families to be the primary source of nurturance and support and to facilitate emotional, physical, mental, and social growth. Gavazzi et al. (1993) offered that among parents’ greatest gifts to their children are the provision of opportunities for experimentation with a variety of responsibilities, while providing the children support and coaching. These opportunities, they contend, serve to create a context of emotional bonding and acceptance of personal boundaries. Although families generally provide rather adequately for our physical and emotional needs, some simply fall miserably short of allowing members to become individuals. While one family may be quite able to afford members opportunities for personal development, another may present as totally inadequate due to its own multigenerational emotional and mental inadequacies. Parenting is, without question, among the most challenging of responsibilities, and yet, it is among the few for which there is no formal training. The primary source of our lessons in parenting is the models provided in our homes, with some unfortunate input from the fictitious character portrayals in the media. It is no wonder, then, that patterns of maladaptive family relationships are seen across generations. In a society as enlightened as ours, abuse of a child is never an acceptable option, and as a society, we have banned together to collaboratively take up the cause of victims of both sexual and physical abuse. The emotional residues of both childhood sexual and physical abuse are readily observable in victims who struggle to form adaptive relationships in adulthood. For the child who is thrust into the adult role of providing for his mother’s emotional needs, we are not so quick to call foul. Sadly, and without society ever really noticing, these children lose ground emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. They lose out on the opportunities of childhood, and consequently struggle with adulthood. Because they have had such limited opportunities to learn what are peer appropriate behaviors, they typically suffer lasting delays in their own social and emotional development. These delays are telling in these adults’ clumsy attempts at meaningful interpersonal engagement with peers. Reasonably, then, victims of maternal enmeshment will be challenged to form families that function within the parameters of what may be considered normal. For this, along with a multitude of other reasons, emotionally impaired relationships between mothers and their sons require intense therapeutic attention.

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article. Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research and/or authorship of this article.