A long time ago, my brother had a brief marriage and one child. His split from his ex was acrimonious and she wanted sole custody of their young daughter. When this wasn’t forthcoming, his ex-wife accused my brother of sexually molesting their daughter. My brother protested his innocence and I believe him. As a family, we stood by him, but he was found guilty and jailed. His wife got custody of the child and that was the last we saw of them.

After my brother came out of prison, he moved away and remarried. We have all remained close and visit regularly.

I was recently contacted by the daughter. She is now an adult and says she had wanted to reconnect with us for some time. We corresponded and she said none of the abuse allegations she made at the trial were true, that her mother had told her what to say and she was so sorry. She said she had a ghastly childhood after leaving us, that she was now in therapy because of it, and that it was her therapist who suggested she try to reconnect. She said she had very fond memories of our side of the family, particularly of our mother, and would love to see her.

When I was first contacted, I didn’t tell my siblings. This was partly because I was a bit suspicious of her story, but also because they are both very bitter about what happened and I knew what their reaction would be. I wasn’t wrong. When I told them, my brother refused to have any contact with his daughter. My sister was horrified that she should think she had any right to contact us after what she did and said that under no circumstances should our mother be told. Both my siblings feel this is a ploy to disrupt my brother’s life again.

What happened to my brother was terrible and has permanently marked him, but this woman was a young child at the time and it is not fair to hold her responsible. I know our mother would be over the moon to hear from her. She always counted her when asked how many grandchildren she had. Mum is elderly but together mentally. What should I do?

This is highly complex, with many strands but, ultimately, it comes down to people being allowed to decide what to do for themselves. (I haven’t touched on the legal side as that is not what you have asked me and it would merit a column on its own.)

I contacted Barbara Levick, a very experienced psychoanalytic psychotherapist (bpc.org.uk), for her thoughts and what struck her immediately were your family dynamics and “how dictated to you are by your brother and sister, and how you seem to accept that”. Perhaps it is because you are the “baby” of the family and used to being told what to do?

Levick went on to explain that, even though you describe yourself as a “close family”, it doesn’t mean you all have to “think the same”.

Ultimately, no one can tell you what to do in this potentially explosive scenario. Your mother may not be as happy to hear from her granddaughter as you think – so you need to examine your motives and how realistic the perceived outcomes may be. You are absolutely right that such a young child, as your niece was, cannot be held responsible for the actions of an adult, and there seems to be a lot of anger aimed at the grownup she now is, rather than her mother, your brother’s ex. (Incidentally, where is her mother now?) There seems to be little curiosity about her and that did give me pause – does your brother’s new wife know about his daughter’s existence?

You cannot make your brother or sister have contact with this woman, but they, in turn, cannot tell you what to do. I think everyone in this scenario needs to take responsibility for what they do next, and that includes your mother – which is why, if you do tell her, she has to decide what she wants to happen next.

I wondered what would be the least inflammatory thing you could do, that still allows you to do what you feel you need to?

Levick wondered “what would give you the strength” [to do what you wanted to] “because this sounds as if it will bother you for the rest of your life”. Levick thought you might want to meet with the niece yourself first and then decide how to proceed.

I think it would be a very bad idea for the first time your mother meets her granddaughter (if it comes to that) to also be the first time you meet her. Then if you want to take it further with your mother, you could start a general discussion about family and ask how she would feel if her granddaughter got in touch and would she want to know (I know you think you know this, but I think it’s worth asking). If you decide to tell your mother and engineer a meeting, phone conversation or exchange of letters (and your mother should decide which suits her best), Levick advised that “maybe at some point, you will want to inform your siblings of what you’re doing but nothing that seems like you are asking them permission”.

You may also want to contact the NSPCC helpline (0808 800 5000, help@nspcc.org.uk) to talk through your options with someone experienced (indeed I showed them your anonymised letter and this is what they advised).

Your problems solved

Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

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