Photograph by NICHOLAS KAMM / AFP / Getty

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It's lovely.

He even fixed the downstairs sink.

Then Obama came for my job. Then he came for my wages. Then he came for my office goodbye party. Then he delivered a great toast about how invaluable I'd been to the auto-insurance firm for the past twenty years. It was moving.

He even brought Martinelli's, because he knew that I wasn't drinking.

Then Obama came for my health care. Then he came for my doctor. Then he came for my surgery. Then he waited right outside the door of the operating room the whole time so that he'd be the first person I saw when I came out, because he wanted me to know that I wasn't alone. Then, when I went to sleep later that night, he dozed off at my bedside with a copy of "Infinite Jest" open on his lap, which he'd been reading to me because he knew that this was the first decent chunk of downtime I'd had in years, and I'd been meaning to finally finish it.

It's wonderfully written.

Then Obama came for my Social Security. Then he came for my pension. Then he reinvested them in a 3-D-printing company he had a hot tip on from Michelle's friend, and nearly doubled my retirement funds in less than nine months. It's really taken the pressure off.

He didn't even ask for commission.

Then Obama came for my kids. Then he came for my wife. Then he came for my stepdad. Then he shuttled them all to my favorite Italian restaurant, Lil Dom's, and texted me to meet him for lunch, and when I arrived they all jumped out and shouted, "Happy birthday!" It was a good surprise.

He even let my twins ride in the Presidential limo with him.

Then Obama came just to say hi. Then he came with more Martinelli's and some board games. Then, once we had finished drinking the sparkling juice and my boy Alvin had bought up all the railroads, he asked me if we could speak alone. Then he told me that he felt like I was the first friend he'd ever truly had, but that he also felt like he was doing all the legwork in the relationship. Then he added that he knew that I cared about him, but that I never showed it as much as he did. It caught me off guard.

For the first time, he left without saying goodbye.

Then Obama came just on weekends. Then he didn't come at all. Then he stopped calling. Then he started giving national interviews about how to tell if someone is your real friend or is just using you. It felt like a personal attack.

But I knew what he meant. And, finally, I realized what I needed to do.

So then I came for Obama's guns. Then I came for his knives. Then I came for his dinette set. Then I redecorated the whole White House. Then I saw him smile again. It was lovely.