The bullshit dripped from his mouth like ice cream off of a warm sundae, and she ate up every piece of it for months and months. She tried to reassure herself of him over and over again by telling herself things like, “I love him,” or, “He doesn’t mean it,” or, “He lies because he cares and he’s a good person, deep deep down.” I warned her so many times. I once told her that her boyfriend was clogged. So naïve and so young, she asked, “What do you mean?” and I said, “Like a toilet. Full of shit.” Well, like any toilet, you can only keep the shit down for so long before it eventually overflows.

Now that the heartbreak is in full effect, I get to play plumber by cleaning up the crap and fixing her pipes so they’ll be ready for the next guy who comes along. After listening to the blubbering, wiping away the tears, and filling the cracks in her heart with chocolate, ice cream, and vodka, I decided to take a stand. If this naïve and young girl could have seen past his bull crap, read between the lines, and understood the meaning behind his words, she could have avoided it all. So, here it is ladies: your guide to decoding the male specimen, by understanding the difference between what he says and what he actually means. Here are some commonly used phrases with their direct macho translations…

He says, “We could watch a movie at my place.”

Translation: We could have sex at my place.

He says, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Translation: I just don’t want to date you.

He says, “You’re really pretty and really smart.”

Translation: I will tell you anything you want to hear in order to put my penis inside you.

He says, “That’s interesting.”

Translation: I’m not really listening to you.

He says, “I’m not that type of guy.”

Translation: I’m going to sleep with you and I’m never going to call you again.

He says, “Sex isn’t everything to me.”

Translation: Sex…. Sex…..Sex……Sex……Sex

He says, “Suck me, beautiful.”

Translation: That’s actually exactly what he means.

He says, “Can I get you a drink?”

Translation: Can I have sex with you?

He says, “Can I dance with you?”

Translation: Can I have sex with you?

He says, “Can I have your number?”

Translation: Can I have sex with you?

He says, “God, you’re crazy hot.”

Translation: I can’t wait to put my balls on your chin.

He says, “My ex is bat shit crazy.”

Translation: …because I made her bat shit crazy.

He says, “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Translation: I have no idea what you want, but that sounded like a good thing to say.

Well, there you go, ladies. Hopefully you understand the male specimen a little bit better. Just like beer goggles, bullshit goggles exist, too. Beer goggles make ugly people beautiful (on the outside), while bullshit goggles make ugly people look beautiful (on the inside). The only difference between the two is that the former wears off the next morning, while the latter may never. So, remember these male translations and you’ll be on your way to landing your very own Prince Charming…or at least a dude with a car.