An archeological dig at a newly unearthed cave near Jerusalem has yielded a long-sought discovery: a parchment scroll apparently containing the Book of Austin.

The scroll is of particular significance because it contains the well-known (yet heretofore unsubstantiated) text from Chapter 3, Verse 16 (translated from Aramaic): “I doth whippeth thine ass.”

Biblical scholars have long argued over the true meaning of the phrase, though the consensus is that it refers corralling a neighbor’s donkeys as an act of good Samaritanship.

The newly unearthed scrolls also contain Austin 3:17 and 3:18, though theologians have not been able to fully decipher the meaning of the phrases: “The serpent Roberts bleedeth and hobble; I reign as King of Rings; thus is written the bottom line, for I sayeth it so.”

Cave drawings discovered near the excavation site seemed to depict a bald-headed man gesturing with one upraised finger of each hand — presumably pointing to Heaven in some ancient form of genuflection and worship.