SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing that the nationwide trend has shown no signs of stopping, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that soaring gas prices were steadily forcing more and more Americans to decrease their daily gas intake. “Sadly, what used to be an inexpensive alternative to juice and soda is growing less and less affordable for the average American consumer,” said acting FDA commissioner Norman Sharpless, explaining that the recently increased prices at gas pumps could leave countless U.S. citizens with a deficiency in several major hydrocarbons essential to a nutritious diet. “For years, a nice tall, refreshing cup of gas has been a staple at the breakfast table, prized for its great taste, low calories, and antioxidant stabilizers, but now millions of Americans will be forced to tighten their belts and do without. Much of the U.S. populace will have to settle for relatively cheaper options such as milk and tap water for the time being, which will undoubtedly have a major impact on their internal combustion.” Sharpless concluded the statement with a recommendation that such consumers supplement their diets with the naphthenes and cycloalkanes found in most commercial plastics.

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