ATTACHING Russell Brand to a big cross would probably sort everything out, it has been claimed.

Researchers found 81 per cent public support for a heroic act of self-sacrifice by the shiny-toothed messiah figure.

Plumber Tom Logan said: “I never understood the Jesus thing – how anyone can do anything of practical value while nailed to bits of wood? – but I am led to believe it really helped fix things.

“Stuff seems pretty screwed at the minute so I’m thinking Russell came along at just the right time. Let’s give it a go.”

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Crucifying Russell Brand could be the catalyst for a worldwide alternative revolutionary religion based on fairness, love and people being really cool with each other.

“At the very least it would be a big live TV event, bringing everyone together on the sofa with lots of Doritos and dips.”

Brand’s spokesman said he was ‘theoretically open to being crucified’ but only once he has finished work on Arthur 3 and delivered the manuscript to his next book, My Bible-Wible.