DISCLAIMER: This post is not recommended for mobiLLe users. The following is heavy on animation, images, and intended to be read with specific audio playing during various points for added effect. If audio embeds aren't loading properly, it probably has something to do with disabled cookies, but I'm not Martha Stewart nor handicapped so I'm not really sure. Venture forth at your own peril. Also, it is ungodly long in comparison to other posts. If you live 'til the end, I'll be very impressed.

DISCLAIMERER: Audio files are meant to be played via embed (or opened in a new tab and left playing) while continuing forth with the story. Should you reach the next audio marker too early or too late, well, then clearly you are not a wizard. Shame on you. Stop that file and move to the next one. Or don't. I'm not your father. I don't care what Maury says. With all that out of the way - I present to you UnsoLLved Mysteries - Air Arrow.

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 1

The date: early March 2015.

The location: Peoria, AZ.

Baseball season was still a month away, but that meant hundreds of ball players were on practice fields all across the state participating in the annual event called Spring Training. Among these players was one Fernando Rodney, a pitcher for the Seattle Mariners and known for his ability to mystify, confuse, and frustrate opposing hitters - and sometimes fans as well.

His notable characteristics: a nasty change-up, a crooked hat, and a certain post-game celebration involving shooting into the night sky what appears to be an imaginary arrow.

Or so we're led to believe...

On this specific March afternoon, one man, known only by his online identity "A's4L1F3", claims to have been the victim of property damage sustained in the fallout of one of these mysterious arrows. He posted a short video clip** online claiming it as proof of this unprovoked attack.

He explains that his child's birthday party was ruined when one of Rodney's "deadly projectiles" tore through an inflatable bouncy castle causing it to collapse. He claims emotional turmoil ensued, possibly scarring his children for life and costing him several hundred dollars in replacement fees for the destroyed castle, along with untold amounts in anticipated medical bills. All attempts to get Fernando Rodney to accept responsibility and pay for current and future expenses have failed.

When Mr. Rodney refused to comment about this incident, A's4L1F3 continued his online pursuit of trouncing Fernando's reputation in an attempt to reach a monetary settlement.

The actual whereabouts of this A's4L1F3 are unknown, and his true identity has remained a mystery to the Peoria Police Department.

Who is this man, and is he the victim of an unprovoked attack as he so claims? Is Fernando Rodney's arrow truly to blame? Is it even real? If so, what possible motive could drive Rodney to target this specific house, let alone the children's play area? Are you still reading this in Robert Stack's voice? All these questions, minus that last one, are what we aim to answer on today's episode..... of UnsoLLved Mysteries.

** VIDEO - Submitted by A's4L1F3 as evidence of crime.

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 2

PEORIA POLICE HEADQUARTERS

Greetings, detectives.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Why waste department resources on a case where a guy is asking a multimillionaire for a few hundred bucks?" Well let me tell you something Whiney McShutyourholes - this is America. And in my America, you're still innocent until proven guilty. And unless you suddenly believe our Mr. Rodney is the Katniss Everdeen of make-believe medieval weaponry, I'd say we owe it to the man, nay, ourselves, to follow through with our constitutional duties and solve us this here dilemma. Now, if we're through with dumb questions, lets take a look at what we have.

I'm assuming you've all seen the "shocking" footage of the bouncy castle collapsing like a narcoleptic inflatable doll, so we're going to jump straight to our prime suspect on that morning.

This is apparently the launch site of Fernando's WMB (Weapon of Make-Believe). Here's what we know:

This event took place inside the Peoria Sports Complex in Peoria, AZ, on the main field of play between the pitcher's mound and first base.

A possible accomplice, Nelson Cruz (entering frame from right), is caught on audio claiming the weapon to be an "air-arrow" - the guys across town are running a background check on him now to see what else he may potentially know.

It's daylight, and the victim claims his yard was struck the same day, so wherever this "air-arrow" went, it got there in a hurry.

Our first order of business is to use what information we have to try and locate the whereabouts of this ... A's, 4, L, 1... the hell? What drunken inbred Neanderthal tries to insert numbers into their name? God, I hate this prick already. Anyway, we can use this image to formulate the relative initial trajectory of the WMB with regards to their positioning on the field. Here, I'll mark these areas as #1, #2, and #3. These are our points of interest, gentlemen.

As everyone and their grandmother knows, basic archery technique dictates Rodney's arrow to travel roughly in the direction he's placing his feet. If you don't remember this from your textbook, I'll recite it for you:

The archer's square stance facilitates good bio-mechanical alignment by placing the hips and shoulders "in line" with your direction of aim or perpendicular to the target face.

His feet appear to line up with the cut of the grass, which is mowed nearly parallel to the 1B chalk, meaning he's aiming down the right field foul line. If we plot this against our map of the region, maybe we can see what part of town this Mr. A'somethingsomething actually resides in.

Noting his launch angle shown at #2 above is approximately 45 degrees - giving his projectile the farthest possible range at any given initial velocity - and the grass may not be perfectly cut to specification, we increase the error bars a tad to try and get the initial flight path of the air-arrow...

which comes out to.....

look... like......

this...

If this air-arrow exists and flies straight, it's likely destined for the hills or desert, and though I'm not much of a real estate agent, I don't reckon that's where the guy's house is at. Thus, we turn to the last part of what I previously marked down.

Taking a deeper look into point-of-interest #3 should give us the full picture on where this puppy ended up, but to do that, we need to bring in the big guns. Someone that knows weather effects and wind resistance better than any man or woman alive.

Yes, that's right. Him. Mr. Arizona-Weather himself - Cory Mother Flubbin' McCloskey. We've already established a satellite feed with him over on this computer. Follow me.

Cory, are you there? What can you tell us about the weather in this region on the afternoon of the incident?

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 3

Cory!

... We just need to know what effect the wind from those two... douchepuffs.. had on Mr. Rodney's air-arrow, assuming it exists. Can you tell us where it could have landed?

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 4

It landed in Mesa? What the fartnugget is in Mesa? Hey!

Dagnabbit, Cory's gone.

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 5

That arrow could be anywhere in that blue area, but if Rodney is as accurate with his shot as he claims, I'm guessing the hypothetical black dot is right next to it. You, Cameron, you know how to work this? Good, sit down and use this stupid thing. We need to find out what's down there in that spot ole blondie pointed out for us. If it does exist, and that fan is right, his house will be nearby, too.

Hohokam...? I thought the Cubs shut that place down last year. Why would an Oakland fan live near the Cubs' old training facility? Something doesn't add up. Run a search on it, we need to make sure Cory didn't just piss on our shoes and claim it was raining.

Find something, Cameron? Good, bring it up.

Sweet baby Jesus, "Newly renovated for the 2015 Oakland A's"?! The weather whack job was right. On top of that, this is actually giving credence to the idea that this imaginary arrow is anything but imaginary. ...Interesting. Also, if this A'sHole lives nearby, I'm doubting he's been a fan for long if they just opened this year... Bandwagon jumper. I knew I didn't like this jackwad.

Though I'm fine with Rodney shooting at fair weather fans, it still doesn't make it legal. And just because it seems the air-arrow might actually be real, we still need to uncover exactly where this guy lives and what motive Rodney may have had for aiming at him to begin with.

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 6

You - Tech Guy - bring up the NSA's super-secret satellite feed over Mesa, AZ, the day of the incident. I don't care if we have proper authorization or not, we're close to finding out what's really going on here. Now load up that footage!

THERE! That's the bugger's house, sure as spit. Throw up a still shot from the original video for comparison to be sure.

Driveway, table with balloons, and there's the red inflatable castle with 4 colored corners. This satellite feed must be footage from earlier on in that day before everything went tits up. That being said... nothing seemed to be amiss in the front yard, so why aim here?

I don't see any signs of our man A's67-5309, either. Let's take a closer look here and see if we can find anything.

That's certainly a lot of cars out back, don't you think? And who or what is that off to the right? The victim was dressed in full green Athletics garb with blue jeans the day of the incident. Is it him? Is it nothing?

Also, it almost looks like there are things attached to each car's windshield. Flyers, perhaps? Tickets? I can't quite figure it out.

What can you make of this?

Well I'll be jiggered. That must be him alright. But what the hell is he doing back there with all those cars? Looks like he's got a paper of some sort in his hand, and a copy of it on each car - did he place them there? Pizza coupons, perhaps? Religious text? A sale at Penney's?! Somebody keep hitting the magic enhancement button on this thing until you can read what's on that page and get it to me posthaste. ...

...

... /sigh ...

IT JUST MEANS FAST.

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BACKGROUND AUDIO 7

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END PART 1

You made it! Congrats on reaching the end - my apologies to your bandwidth. Unfortunately, SBN limits the scripting of FanPosts and doesn't allow certain HTML to make these load easier, at least that I could find. *grumblegrumble*

Enjoy it, or waste of time? Let me know in the comments so I can edit Part Deux accordingly. It's mostly written, but won't be posted for a while, so if any of you detectives have ideas or clues to put forward to help solve this case, speak now or forever hold your pizza. Or something.

Mmm, pizza.