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“We used to believe that various factors, such as socioeconomic status and familial cohesion, played a key role in violent youth. Our recent findings have dispelled these previous beliefs, and we are in agreement that violent video games are the sole cause of misaligned youth.” – Dr. Otto Barnstorff, youth psychologist

The Kohlrabi had the distinct opportunity to hold an exclusive interview with Dr. Otto Barnstorff and his research team. Barnstorff, renowned for his multiple captures during the events of Rocket Ranger, and his team of world-class researchers, have finally compiled enough evidence to authoritatively cite video games as the sole reason that youth are led astray. “It’s extremely simple, really”, explains Barnstorff, “We tried to attribute youth violence to other factors, such as poverty, broken homes and neighborhood street gangs, but in the end, we were looking in the wrong place.”. Barnstorff later goes onto explain that access to guns, drugs and a poor family environment have nothing to do with a youth’s propensity towards violence, and that video games are the de facto culprit.

The study conducted at Barnstorff’s remote Antarctica research facility involved 20 children, from varying backgrounds. All of them were given a psychology assessment prior to the research exercises. After determining their level of psychosis, the scientists discovered that 19 out of the 20 children were from housing projects, located in neighborhoods rife with weapons and crime. The one exception was a child who turned out to be the son of an unnamed multimillionaire inventor. The Kohlrabi later determined that the child’s father had invented the motorized toothpick.

Fascinating…(yawn)

The 19 aforementioned children all suffered from familiar discord, with one participant showing up on opening day with a black eye. Ten of the children lived in homes where guns were left out on tables, loaded and unsecured. Five of them were actively involved in gangs and not subjected to intervention by parents or school officials. And finally, three of the children had dropped out of school, with one having to be picked up at a neighborhood abortion clinic. Despite the researchers in-depth assessment prior to the tests, they determined that at their core, these kids were simply “misunderstood, and capable of empathy”.

A shot of the kitchen table in one test subject’s house.

However, all of that came crashing down when the test subjects were put in front of a Playstation 2 game nefarious for its gratuitous violence: Rockstar’s Manhunt. The game was so explicit in its violence, that it caused the death of a UK youth, who was bludgeoned to death by one of his closest friends. The media was able to successfully determine through extensive interviewing and backroom brainstorming that Manhunt was the sole cause of the murder. Even though the police found the game to be in possession of the murdered youth and that it did not factor into the crime on any level, the media still found the murderer to be “inspired” after watching its gameplay.

The rise in violent crime has become unbearable, even for YouTube content creators. “I just know that this one guy, Lumpz the Clown, is a serial killer”, cried one scared YouTuber, ” I mean, just look at him! He may say otherwise, but I see nothing but menace behind his eyes. Somebody should SWAT him!”.

The results of Dr. Barnstorff’s study were frighteningly brutal. After watching Cash bury a sickle into the crotch of an unsuspecting “hunter”, one test subject grabbed a nearby sickle (it had materialized out of nowhere) and buried it into the head of his fellow test subject, who was simply playing the game and minding his own business. The violent youth began laughing maniacally, and was whisked away by staff members. The brutalized test subject did not survive. Another test subject picked up an empty glass bottle off of the table (again, randomly materialized) and launched it into the head of a nearby security guard. The youth laughed hysterically as the guard was taken out of room on a stretcher by medical staff, bleeding profusely from a large cut on the side of his head.

The security guard claimed it was “merely a flesh wound”.

Dr. Barnstorff and his team had seen enough. Their research has proven beyond a reasonable doubt, that video games are solely to blame for youth violence. Simply securing your guns through proper weapon storage, locking up all the joypads, and getting actively involved in your children’s lives are absolutely powerless in the face of this digitized onslaught. “Weapons will spawn out of thin air when children play violent video games like Manhunt, and they will take brutal action. Our only solution”, explains Dr. Barnstorff, “is to abolish video game violence on all levels. Games like Super Mario Bros. will have to be re-written to eliminate Goomba and Koopa stomping, lest youth determine that stomping on innocent fungi and reptiles is acceptable behavior that should be rewarded”.

Neither Jane Barnstorff, Dr. Barnstorff’s daughter, or Rocket Ranger could not be reached for comment, as they were stuck in a broom closet, with the maintenance team let off early in observance of the PAX East holiday. The Kohlrabi will continue to follow this story as it develops.



