Every guy has a painful memory of a bad blow job, so I’ve highlighted the 11 most common to help re-live the experience.

1. The Grinder

This girl just scrapes and grinds her way to a man’s ultimate dissatisfaction. Using a guy’s member as a chew toy, it’s 75% teeth and 25% of the desired suction. It’s no surprise that eventually she’s chomping down on nothing more than a battered and bruised lump of a penis.

2. The Tortoise

Slow and steady wins the race. Well, actually, this girl never even crosses the finish line. She goes up and down with gentle and methodical movements. By the end, it’s as if he’s watching a painstakingly slow movie that never develops and definitely doesn’t climax.

3. Just the tip

Deep throat is not in this girl’s vocabulary. Instead, she chooses to concentrate on a mere 30% of your actual penis. Repeatedly pursing her lips on the tip, she refuses to venture into the deep end of the pool. This leaves you with nothing but a really strange and uncomfortable feeling at the tip, and yet another incomplete blow job to add to the pile.

4. The Deepthroat Dixie

Sounds a little bit like a western porno doesn’t it? Well like most country songs, this ends in nothing but pain. There’s a fine line between pain and pleasure, and while initially her maximum force approach was good, it very quickly turned into a painful experience – she just doesn’t ease up. The feeling of your dick getting rammed non-stop against the back of her throat quickly has guys singing a very sad song, but instead of nursing an achy-breaky heart, it’s something else they’re tending to.

5. The one-gear bike

Instead of mixing up the pace, this girl immediately drops into cruise control. She refuses to abandon her early pace, which is particularly frustrating when he says he’s getting close and she doesn’t crank it into high-gear. Just as a guy shouldn’t thrust a girl on high-speed the entire time during intercourse, a girl needs to mix it up while giving fellatio. This girl may get the job done, but she definitely won’t be getting crowned ‘The Oral Queen’ any time soon.

6. The Charlie Chaplin

A guy loves when a girl takes a moment to engage him vocally. A personal favorite: “I absolutely love your cock.” Hey, we’re men, it’s the ultimate satisfaction when a girl is enthusiastic about spending some quality time with your member. Unfortunately, this girl keeps her head down and is as silent as a church mouse. While volume control is desired in shared quarters, the occasional noise helps remind us someone is down there.

7. She’s not having a ball

This girl looks at your testicles like they’re the root of all evil. If you so much as try to usher her attention to your sperm bags, she’ll give you the complete bitch eyes. Just as a guy should never neglect the nipples, a girl should never neglect the balls. It’s important to note that paying attention to the balls doesn’t mean substituting them as a second dick to suck back with force. Give them a fiddle, twiddle, a light kiss, but be gentle – they’re sensitive.

8. The Pressure Cooker

This girl makes you feel every ounce of pressure to ejaculate the entire time. You have sweat pouring from your brow, you’re tossing and turning – trying to find the right thoughts to bust – but you can’t. “Are you getting close?” are words spoken like a broken record -something that leads to nothing but an unpleasant experience. Efficiency is everything in this world, but efficiency during a blow job it can only be created in a relaxed environment.

9. More like a hand job

What initially started as a blow job has turned into a lackluster hand job. We’re well-aware that you’re putting in a lot of effort, so taking breaks while you catch your breath is always encouraged, but don’t let that hand job overstay its welcome. Catch your breath, resume focus and re-engage. Otherwise, there’s really no need for you to be there.

10. The Lackluster Lady

This girl plays the skin flute with very little enthusiasm. During this half-hearted affair, not once does she look up at you with those fierce eyes of sexual passion. She rarely moans, seldom shows any indication that she’s enjoying herself, and her technique is overly prepared. There are no wild and spontaneous “wow, this girl is awesome” moments, but rather just a task that’s grudgingly performed to get you to cum by outputting as little energy as possible.

11. The Anti-Spunk Princess

This girl takes “happy ending” out of the equation by refusing to let the icing on the cake drip anywhere near her. She sure as hell doesn’t swallow, but even worse, she’s not even willing to donate a section of her body to land your spunk. There’s no doubt that having to ejaculate into a sock is going to lead to an interrupted climax.

If you think I’m missing anything, please post in the comment section below!

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Posted by Jamie Rea Specializing in dating and relationships, Jamie is the co-creator of The Brolog - a site for men focused on daily advice and entertainment surrounding relations between the sexes. Based in Toronto, Jamie's comedic writing style is gaining momentum as he pursues his career in the entertainment industry.