Pope uses Christmas message to remind everyone that it’s all a load of old bollocks really

Pope Benedict XVI has used his traditional Christmas message to urge people to ignore all the enjoyable bits about Christmas and concentrate on some crazy Jesus-based mental shit.

The head of the Roman Catholic Church said, “Some people see Christmas as an excuse to get a bit pissed up before midday without feeling like they’ve got an alcohol problem.”

“They choose to associate the birth of Jesus Christ with Lynx deodorant and shower gel gift sets, but his message is much more important than that, and considerably less pungent.”

He also urged everyone else in the world to help famine victims in the Horn of Africa.

“Obviously we’d love to help, but the Catholic Church’s vast wealth is tied up in long term investments and property,” he revealed.

“Not to worry, you do the giving and we’ll do the praying.”

Pope Christmas message

Speaking in Italian from a balcony above St Peter’s Square, the pontiff also spoke out about numerous other issues that didn’t involve years of systematic child sex abuse.

Calling upon worshippers to pray for an end to the bloodshed in Syria, he said, “Praying is a way of making out we’re doing something while actually doing nothing.”

“This is the true meaning of Christmas for Catholics everywhere.”

The head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales, Vincent Nichols, has also offered prayers as a solution to the problems that people face.

“There are people out there who will look at the suffering that is happening all over the world.”

“They will say that we need action not prayers.”

“Let us show these people that we are listening to their concerns.”

“Now, join me as I pray for action.”