Hewlett-Packard Announces Plans to Lay Off Kyle

Citing increased headwinds and an evolving market in Southeast Asia, Hewlett-Packard announced Thursday plans to lay off Kyle.

Calling the 0.01% paring of their workforce "part of a new chapter" for the company, incoming CEO Marc Lopez remarked on how his focus is on rebuilding market share as he takes the reins.

"Making cuts is always a tough decision, but in this case it was the right call," Lopez said. "I'm sure Kyle is a good man, but my commitment will always be to do whatever is necessary to grow Hewlett-Packard's footprint as a global data storage and networking service provider."

The company, which will start saving $67,345 per year after Phil's month of severance and eight remaining vacation days are paid, reportedly plans to use that money towards modernizing their data storage division.

"It could definitely use a another copier. Not to mention a new coffee machine," one unnamed employee commented.

Phil, who was last seen inside Hewlett-Packard headquarters packing his workplace possessions into a cardboard box, seemed to be taking his change in circumstances in stride.

"Yeah, whatever," he said.