What do you mean you've never heard of the Hindu equivalent of feng shui?

Age: As old as houses.

Appearance: Depends on your house.

But I don't have a house. I'm sorry to hear that.

My household is one of 1.7m still waiting for social housing. Can we talk about your dream house instead?

All right then. I want to live in a cottage in Cumbria with five bedrooms (all ensuite, with bidets), a kitchen/breakfast room, a games room, conservatory, and a Jacuzzi. That's lovely, but would you put the–

Plus a dumb waiter, a log flume and a cricket net. But would you put the cowshed in the northwest corner?

The cowshed? I wouldn't put it anywhere. Crikey. What about the eastern wall? Is it shorter than the southern one?

Not especially. Is that a problem? Sort of. Your house might not have any vastu shastra.

But you still haven't explained what the hell that is. Sorry. It's basically the Hindu equivalent of feng shui.

And we're talking about it because? Because the world's most expensive house might not have any either.

What is the world's most expensive house? It's called Antilia, it's 27 storeys high. It houses three hanging gardens, a cinema, a yoga studio and a helipad. Touchingly, it's also in full view of the Mumbai slums.

Blimey. Who built it? Mukesh Ambani, India's richest man, for around £1bn.

And did he remember the cowshed? Well, he hasn't moved in yet, and Antalia was built a year ago.

Leading the press to pontificate on the reasons for his absence ... And to conclude, perfectly reasonably, that it's because of a deficit in vastu shastra. So yes, maybe he hasn't built a cowshed.

Right. Any other possible explanations? Dunno. The draught?

Seriously? Well, some think it's because he wants to live with his mum at Sea Wind, his other Mumbai home.

How many floors has that got? Just the 14.

Do say: "To allow the easy entrance of the goddess Laxmi, my eastern wall is very small."

Don't say: "But I don't have a cow!"