Two Words That Hinders Progress in Relationships

One of the techniques I employ in my counseling sessions is to get my clients to remove the words never and always from their vocabulary especially when it is in the context of a relationship.

I do know there are times the words are acceptable and need to be used. For example, a parent may say to a child “never put your hand on a hot stove” or “you should always look before you cross the street.” These are understandable and perfectly acceptable.

However, most times it is used when I am working with couples, in an accusatory manner. “You never listen to me” or “you always interrupt me when I’m speaking.” These are the times when the accused person becomes defensive. They become defensive because they can recall a time when they did not use those words. Even the complainant will agree. The fact that there was at least one time that it wasn’t used, the statement no longer is true. This reduces the strength of the argument, which makes room for dialogue and not a tug-of-war.

The word never deflates progress. It sucks the wind out of motivation and desire. Just as progress is being made, the moment the word is interjected, the accused party goes into resignation mode. You can see the slouching effect as they begin to shut down. The message is, “why bother” or “See, I can never win.”

When this happens, I immediately step in and try to reframe what just happened and use as a teachable moment. Most couples learn from this and realize that they are in the laboratory of change. So we do a “take two” moment as is done in the movie industry.

Sometimes the word never is used during times of stress and fatigue. For example my wife after our first child said, “I’ll never do this again”, this … meaning having another child. But we have two children. This context is understandable and must be given the benefit of the doubt. I just listened. Lol.

Nehemiah encountered this when rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. Here is what the people felt: Then the people of Judah began to complain, “The workers are getting tired, and there is so much rubble to be moved. We will NEVER be able to build the wall by ourselves.” (Nehemiah 4:10 NLT) They were obviously fatigued. Now they began to feel deflated.

Here are three reminders when tempted to use the words never or always:

Keep in mind the serious implications behind the word usage. Look at the context from which the word originates and be prepared to give the benefit of the doubt Make every effort to remove it from your vocabulary when it comes to speaking about yourself “I never …” or “I always …” and when speaking about the behavior of another person.

What other words do you find make for a prickly relationship and why? Add your comment now to further this discussion.

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