A VICTORIAN VICTORY FOR THE AGES

It’s one of the banner occasions in the football calendar: the semi-finals of England’s secondary knockout competition, Tin Pot! There have been some memorable ties down the years. The Fiver recalls Chelsea beating Wycombe Wanderers 4-0. One time, West Brom saw off Carlisle 4-1. And there was that season Manchester City battered West Ham 9-0 on aggregate. But anyway, those memorable ties we were talking about. Well, we vaguely remember fourth-tier Bradford City humiliating five-time winners Aston Villa. The Arsenal-Tottenham stramash in 1987 was fairly epic. And … erm … actually, sod it, that’ll do. QED!

Sadly, looking at the state of this year’s second legs, it doesn’t look as though either of the ties will end up in the pantheon alongside Bradford-Villa, Arsenal-Spurs and that time treble-chasing Liverpool scored 78 own goals against QPR. You see, Thursday night’s match is to be contested between a knackered Tottenham squad stretched beyond breaking point and with hamstrings to match, and a bunch of lads from Chelsea who even their own manager freely admits can’t be bothered. We’ll be looking forward to that one, then (and you can thank us for tempting fate when it ends 6-6). As for Wednesday’s return between Burton Albion and Manchester City, well for goodness’ sake.

Burton are, of course, a mere nine goals adrift after the first leg at the Etihad degenerated into dismal farce. It’s not going too far out on a limb to say the Brewers aren’t going to turn this one around. Yet if ancient history is any guide, it could be closer than some people think. On Boxing Day 1894, City travelled to Burton Wanderers in the old Second Division and went down 8-0, still a club-record defeat. Three months later, City beat Lincoln 11-3, setting their league record for most goals scored and developing a habit for glorious unpredictability from the get-go.

Anyway, Burton Wanderers merged with Burton Swifts to become Burton United, Burton United merged with Burton All Saints to become Burton Town, and Burton Town were folded into a new entity called Burton Albion after the war. And here we are now! Hey, so you don’t think the modern Burton could draw on the precedent set by their illustrious predecessors and make this a contest, do you? No, of course you don’t.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Scott Murray for room-temperature Carling Cup action in Burton 1-3 Manchester City (1-12 agg).

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Salford City [have] achieved so much success in a short space of time, the fans are incredible, and I’m really excited to be spending more time in Salford again” – David Beckham takes the feigned enthusiasm too far after becoming the latest former Manchester United player to invest in the National League high-flyers.

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David Squires drills down into Unai Emery and Mesut Özil’s relationship, with predictably enjoyable results.

Top reference. Illustration: David Squires/Guardian

SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN

Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.

FIVER LETTERS

“Re: Tuesday’s Quote of the Day. Just wait until Onel Hernández discovers the internet! Especially if Weird Uncle Fiver is his guide” – Martyn Shapter.

“Can I be the first of 1,057 West Ham-supporting pedants to point out that the corner flag protest was, in fact, an homage to a previous pitch invading fan from 1992, and not a tribute to professional Yosser Hughes lookalike and sometime TV pundit Graeme Souness” – Rob Graham (and no other West Ham-supporting pedants).

“Following on from Chris Weaver (yesterday’s Fiver letters), surely it is not up to José Mourinho to deliver the coup de grace, but rather the groundsman or whoever is in charge of the lawnmower” – Robin Hazlehurst.

“Reading Hubert O’Hearn about being mistaken for Jesus (yesterday’s letters) reminded me of a vignette from my early youth. I would trundle along with my parents to our local Presbyterian church near Leeds. The minister always wore a large black flowing gown and spoke to us all from ‘on high’ in his pulpit. I genuinely thought he was this God fellow I had heard so much about. Anyway, one morning after church, we attended a coffee morning held in the neighbouring church hall. The minister moved through the gathered flock shaking hands and chatting amiably. Being about three feet tall, I cried out to my father: ‘Lift me up! I want to see God!’ Sweet smiles all around. A few years later, older and wiser, I discovered that ‘God’ was actually an Arsenal fan” – Allastair McGillivray.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Robin Hazlehurst.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Police searching for Emiliano Sala will consider calling off the operation later on Wednesday, after failing to find any sign of the aircraft he was travelling in despite scouring 280 square miles of the Channel.

Fulham’s Aboubakar Kamara has been arrested on suspicion of ABH following allegations of a fight at their Motspur Park training ground that has also led to him being banned indefinitely from the venue.

Gonzalo Higuaín will join Chelsea soon, but not soon enough to face Tottenham on Thursday, according to Maurizio Sarri. The Italian has also offered strong words to Eden Hazard, suggesting the swaggering forward is “more an individual player than a leader”.

Usain Bolt has hung up his spotless football boots after failing to land a professional contract at flamin’ A-League stragglers Central Coast Mariners. “The sports life is over,” Bolt mused.

There goes the trampoline touch. Photograph: Steve Christo/AP

Wingate & Finchley FC are hoping to beat the drop in the Ryman Premier League with the help of an “artificial intelligence football coach” developed by local boffins. “[AI] will assist our management team with tactical insights during our home match with Whitehawk,” a club statement bleep-booped.

Mario Balotelli has joined Marseille on a six-month deal after leaving Nice. “I was supposed to leave at the beginning of the season,” he chuckled.

Lukas Podolski has weighed in on the youth football industrial complex. “Children are already trained like professionals at the age of seven, eight, nine, 10. What is being organised by the coaches is completely crazy and sick,” he fumed.

And former Stoke striker Ricardo Fuller, 78, has come out of retirement to play for seventh-tier Nantwich Town. “He told me he’s got his mojo back,” purred Dabbers manager Dave Cooke.

STILL WANT MORE?

From facing Tekkers Town to playing in the Football League, Scott Pollock may not be the last player to roll off Hashtag United’s production line, reckons Ben Fisher.

Jamie Jackson is in Burton, where Rumbelows Cup fever is still going strong despite, well, you know.

After the fun and games of his arrival, it’s time for Jan Siewert to get down to business at Huddersfield, reports Paul Doyle.

Who scored from furthest out with the most unlikely part of their anatomy? Read this week’s Knowledge to find out.

Oof! Photograph: TF-Images/Getty Images

Taribo West in the West Country? It happened. Test your knowledge of surprise lower-league moves.

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