Scientists at MIT have created a form of the iron-rich vegetable that wilts when exposed to explosive material

Name: Bomb-detecting spinach.

Age: The cutting edge of military technology.

Appearance: It looks like spinach.

Hey, this sounds like an Eddie Izzard routine. Well, it isn’t. It’s the endpoint of an extensive biotechnology project at MIT that could potentially alter the course of the war on terror.

Are you sure? What’s next, bees with machine guns? No, this involves research published in the respected science journal Nature Materials, detailing mankind’s quest to harness biological material as an enhanced environmental monitor, and there is no place for your tired whimsy here.

I’ve got it – a jam bazooka! Stop.

Fine. Tell me more about this bomb-detecting spinach that I’m apparently not allowed to joke about. Thank you. Darpa, the organisation that funds military science in the US, has been trying to find a form of vegetation that wilts when exposed to explosive material.

Someone should cordon off my fridge then. It must be full of bombs! First, the idea is that these could be planted in areas vulnerable to terrorist attack, potentially saving hundreds of lives in the process. Second, I thought I told you to stop.

OK, buzzkill. What’s the technology involved? It’s complicated, but in short it involves allowing fluorescent nanoparticles to be absorbed into a plant’s leaves. If explosives are detected in its water supply, the plant wilts and authorities are notified.

And why plants? To quote MIT’s Michael Strano: “Plants have built-in power sources and are able to move fluids around very efficiently. They self-repair, are cheap and abundant, are naturally adapted to survive outdoors and have a negative carbon footprint.”

And terrorists won’t notice them … unless they radicalise Alan Titchmarsh! Unless they radicalise Alan Titchmarsh, yes, very good.

How many adorable sniffer dogs is this going to put out of action? Who knows? Although, given that they will no longer run the risk of being blown to smithereens by an unseen malevolent force, I can’t see many of them minding.

You’re no fun today. This is comedy gold and you’re stamping all over it. What can I say? It’s a skill.

Do say: “Please be seated for tonight’s main feature: an all-kale remake of The Hurt Locker.”

Don’t say: “Whatever you do, nobody arm Isis with trowels.”