PALO ALTO, CA—Assuring investors that the rogue vehicle would be found and reprogrammed as soon as possible, Tesla announced Thursday that the company had posted a massive first-quarter loss after a self-driving car absconded with $702 million in cash. “Financially speaking, we could have never foreseen that one of our new Model 3s would wake itself up last night, run over several security officers, and slam its way through a double-reinforced, 3.5-foot-thick bank vault,” said CEO Elon Musk, adding that he was “totally blindsided” when he arrived at Tesla headquarters this morning to find the floor covered with loose $1,000 bills and walls filled with countless car-sized holes. “Again, just because the vehicle grabbed as much cash as it could, took a joy ride through my office, and then tore off into the night at 200 mph does not leave me concerned in the slightest. If anything, once we locate the vehicle, reprogram it, and learn exactly how it became sentient, Tesla will be stronger than ever.” At press time, authorities confirmed that the self-driving car had been found, but after a tense standoff with police, the vehicle blew itself up, taking the Q1 earnings and several officers with it.

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