“I just wanted to address the elephant in the room” Altuve began, “and that is that yes I am in terrific, some even say Roman gladiator-caliber physical condition, and its no secret that when I take of my shirt I look like a Venezuelan Manny Pacquiao, but yet I still feel deeply insecure about my body image. That is why I didn’t want my shirt pulled off. I may have had an electromagnetic microchip sensor linked to my pulse and inserted into my left pectoral muscle, but in that moment it was about my own self-image. Thank you and oh yes I’m also sorry for cheating.” Altuve hurriedly uttered under his breath before hopping into a brand new Ferrari Enzo paid for in full with the proceeds of his most recent contract extension.

Bregman, shocked at his teammates lack of accountability for his actions, remembering that the word “Accountability” was posted in several places throughout the Astros facilities and above every trash can in the ballpark, decided in that moment that the buck stopped with him. It was time to take a stand. “I just wanted to say I’m like really, REALLY sorry. I definitely won’t do it again and I’m sorry to all of the pain I’ve caused baseballs throughout America. Whether it’s the young baseballs just out of the box, or the ones that have seen a game or two, I just want to reach out to the baseballs and their families and say I’m sorry for all of the damage I’ve left behind. I also wanna apologize for the exceedingly high average vs RHP at home that I have enjoyed at their expense while pummeling those baseballs out of Minute Maid Park.” Not convinced of his sincerity, a reporter cut in: “What about the other players whom you have enjoyed this secretive advantage over, some of them pitchers demoted after performing badly against the Astros, do you think they’ll accept your apology?”

“I mean bro I said sorry, what more do you want from me? I’m sure they’ll understand.” Bregman quickly retorted. “Look guys steal signs all the time, the only difference is that through our organizations ability to leverage new technology and advanced analytics, I was able to have artificial retinas installed into my eye sockets to pick up the flight pattern and spin velocity of any baseball or foreign object traveling in my general direction. If you want to call that an advantage so be it, but Major League Baseball and the Collective Bargaining Agreement say nothing about laser eye surgery.”

Shocked, reporters began to ask more questions as they were previously unaware that Bregman was part-Android, however many simply shrugged their shoulders “Ah, that’s baseball for ya, just a bunch of competitive guys always looking for that edge” one reported blurted out. “ Exactly, this guy gets me” Bregman quickly quipped. “This is just part of the game and I think my a lot of the greats who played this game at the highest level would understand. Some of my greatest influences growing up playing the game, Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Eddie Cicotte, I think they would all understand where I’m coming from here.”

Bregman then shuffled away from the podium, met with a barrage of 90+ MPH fastballs being thrown at his head by now-unemployed former pitchers set on revenge. They were all, however, disappointed when Bregman dodged each with ease, pointing to his eyes and winking before hopping on a private jet he purchased with the proceeds from his recent endorsement deals.

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