WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Citing the numerous negative effects of acting like a total puss, the nation’s older brothers issued a joint statement Wednesday strongly recommending not being such a little bitch. “Having conducted an extensive study of your whining, all of our findings indicate that it would be in your best interests to stop crying like a huge pansy,” said older brother and designated older-brother spokesman Max Cambello, who, along with a panel of elder male siblings and a couple of their friends, strongly advised keeping your mouth shut and sucking it up. “After thoroughly examining the way you won’t shut the fuck up and get over it, we have settled on a proposal that you quit moaning like a little chickenshit. Moreover, we ask you this: You gonna cry now? You gonna cry now, huh? Jeez, you make us sick.” At press time, the older brothers also strongly urged restraint in running to snitch to mom, as past instances demonstrate this would just result in you getting your ass beat even fucking worse.

Advertisement