SAW sits anxiously in an examination room. He’s wearing a hospital gown and paper mask over his standard battle mask. He squirms on the crinkly paper covering as the door opens and Dr. Neato, the medically inclined and less handsome brother of Captain Neato, enters carrying a tablet.

Dr. Neato– Hello again Mr…

SAW– SAW.

Dr. Neato– Mr. SAW?

SAW– Just SAW. It’s an acronym, I think. Jury is still out on that.

Dr. Neato (shrug)- Okay, SAW. I have your results. Are you sitting down?

SAW (looks confusedly at himself already seated)- Yes?

Dr. Neato– Perfect. I’m afraid I have some bad news.

SAW- Oy, Doc, don’t tell me I’m really a support.

Dr. Neato– Oh, heavens no! You’re a carry, sort of. Therein lies the problem. Let me put it this way: how are you faring in Pinnacle of Awesome and above lately?

SAW– What’s that?

Dr. Neato– Exactly. SAW, I see you as a hulking moderately-armored mass of unused potential. By all accounts, your abilities and strength should make you viable in a variety of situations; but, as it stands now, the world is spinning around while you remain stationary in a black hole of ganks and 1v3s. I want to help you climb out of that pit of despair.

SAW– Yea, alright. What are you talking about here?

Dr. Neato– Well, for starters, some lifestyle changes, the biggest of which I think you know.

SAW– Wha- Oh Doc, I’m not sure I can oblige you there.

Dr. Neato– SAW, if you don’t stop, we can’t go any further.

SAW– Cold turkey?

Dr. Neato– Yes, even when you’re in free rotation. According to my calculations, if you keep instalocking the way you are, you’re liable to get dodged more often than Phinn’s Quibble.

SAW– Bloody hell. Who does he think he’s fooling with that anyway?

Dr. Neato– I’m not sure. It’s the single most telegraphed move since Donkey Kong’s wind-up punch in Super Smash Bros.

SAW– You’ve got my attention, but what about when I’m actually in a match?

Dr. Neato– I have some very exciting ideas for you, SAW. Complete rebuild. Are you familiar with the work I did on Petal?

SAW– Mother of God.

Dr. Neato wheels out a dry erase board from a side closet with a drawing of SAW done hastily, or perhaps just poorly.





Dr. Neato– My deep analysis of your strengths and weaknesses have exposed a few problem areas.

SAW– The last five pounds are the hardest to lose.

Dr. Neato– Preach it, girlfriend. Now, your A ability is your only saving grace when it comes to movement, so I suggest we keep that. However, I’d like to tweak it just a bit to have you skip instead of just run.

SAW– SAW does not skip, mate.

Dr. Neato– Have you tried targeting Fortress when he’s prancing in his holiday attire?

SAW– Just call me Billy Elliot. What’s next?

Dr. Neato– Excellent. (makes a few notes on his tablet) I’ve gone ahead and enabled that. Why don’t you skip this way and I can show you where the real work begins.

Dr. Neato opens the door and skips down the hall. SAW follows along clumsily. They proceed down a series of corridors to a large window looking into a white room where two creeps, Jeff and Marty, stand alone holding SAW’s machine gun between them, barely.

Dr. Neato– Your Suppressing Fire is when you really get into trouble. If you whiff on that it’s goodnight. So I propose we re-brand in as Depressing Fire.

SAW– I don’t follow.

Dr. Neato– Why don’t I just show you. I’ve outfitted these two with your new abilities temporarily for demonstration purposes. (Pressing a button on tablet to talk to the creeps) Boys, go ahead and initiate ability B 2.0.

Jeff– Okay! (to Marty) Hit it.

Marty– Which part?

Jeff– The trigger.

Marty (points to barrel)- Here?

Jeff– How do you not know where a gun trigger is?

Marty– I’m a renaissance man.

Jeff– No, Marty, you’re just homeless.

Marty– Like all the greats.

Jeff (jabbing a fat finger at trigger)- Pull this.

Marty pulls the trigger, both creeps begin sobbing uncontrollably while bullets spray the room in all directions. Sad, lonely projectiles sail morosely through the air and careen off the reinforced walls. The cacophony of agony from the creeps and gun sounds akin to a broken-hearted washing machine.

Dr. Neato– My goal here is to use the inevitable misfire of the ability in your favor. Your opponents will have a harder time avoiding the erratic firing pattern, as well as the stun potential in seeing someone of your stature crying.

SAW-My Women’s Studies professor is going to love all this frolicking and emotional expression.

Dr. Neato– Now, the ultimate I’m rather proud of. Picture this…you explode.

SAW– I blow up?

Dr. Neato- Pieces of you everywhere! But, you’ll take anyone in a ten foot radius with you.

SAW– I thought the point of this was me dying less.

Dr. Neato– SAW, baby, dying is your thing! You get ganked in the lane, buy some more weapon power, and trudge back out there with your obscenely large gun. What this does is gives your enemies something to remember you by.

SAW (rubs mask where chin probably is)- Can I see that?

Dr. Neato- Of course! I told them I had to perform a routine colonoscopy in order to approve them for this project, but I really installed bombs in their lower intestines. (Pushes tablet) Okay gentlemen, I’m going to detonate you now.

Jeff– What?

Dr. Neato taps a few keys on his tablet and with a loud pop Marty and Jeff are reduced to scraps. Moments later they respawn, visibly shaken.

SAW– Not bad. What’s the cooldown?

Dr. Neato– I figured 60 seconds, but for the purpose of this test, 1 second. (Smirking) Want to see it again?

SAW– Read my mind.

Jeff and Marty explode again.

SAW– Nice splatter. Once more?

Dr. Neato– My pleasure.

Jeff– I think that hurts. It’s hard to tell.

Marty– No, Jeffrey, it’s a complete and instantaneous unmaking, a veritable mirror image to the way we enter this world.

Jeff– Can we be done? You’ve exploded Marty into a fit of existentialism.

SAW (to Dr. Neato)- Do they know we can hear them?

Dr. Neato– Nope.

SAW– Can I try?

Dr. Neato– Yep.

Dr. Neato passes the tablet off to SAW, who goes hog wild with explosions. Behind the back, between the legs, no look taps from every conceivable angle. After several moments, or seemingly many eternities if you’re the creeps, he’s finally satisfied with a final detonation.

SAW – Splendid. Just splendid. Could I say something cool when I die?

Dr. Neato– What do you have in mind?

SAW– Yippee ki-yay Moth–

Dr. Neato (interrupting)- Kids play this.

SAW (sigh)- Cowabunga.

Dr. Neato– Got it. (Makes some notes) Tell you what though, I could maybe pull a few strings and get Tom Hardy to record it for you.

SAW– That’d be the tops! Thanks, Doc. You’re really helping me out here.

SAW reaches out to shake Dr. Neato’s hand, who in turn hands him a piece of paper.

SAW– What’s this, then?

Dr. Neato– The bill. Well, the estimate really. We’ll see how it all shapes out when we’re done.

SAW– #*%^ where am I supposed to get this much ICE?

Dr. Neato– (shrugs) Should have taken advantage of that Amazon coin sale.

Dr. Neato shuffles off to do more science, leaving a price-gouged SAW alone with nothing but his thoughts and a button that obliterates two helpless creeps in the next room.

Marty (squinting at SAW)- His eyes, they shine with the hate of a thousand suns that were stood up for dates.

Jeff– Hold me, Marty.