Why?

...why not?

I thought this would be a freaking GENIUS idea! See a bunch of soldiers from the 26th century attempt to seal spirits' powers. But these just aren't ANY kind of soldiers! Why, they're the Blood Gulch Spartans! And when something has the Blood Gulch Spartans involved, you know it's never going to turn out well.

I'd appreciate it if you rated and reviewed!

"We have a problem!"

"Yeah no sh-t, Grif! Why did you have to spill coffee on the slipspace engine!?"

"BeCAUSE of f-king Caboose!"

"Don't go around blaming people, you bomb lobernin-"

CRASH!

"Church, I'm scared!"

"MAN UP, blues! This is the fiftieth time in my life I've ever had to deal with a slipspace engine malfunction! Just... rub some dirt on it?"

"Sarge, I believe a smart choice of action would be to head for the life pods."

"Why don't we throw Grif out so the slipspace portal eats him up, but not us?"

"Gee, that's very considering of you." The alarm finally blared, scaring the living daylights out of an aqua blue Spartan-II, who was standing right next to it. Private Dexter Grif, one of the laziest Spartan-IIs ever known, had spilled his coffee on the slipspace space-bending machine, so now they were f-ked. "Sarge! Simmons! You're both, like, engineers! Go fix it!"

A Spartan-II in maroon armor ran up to the slipspace drive as UNSC medics, marines, engineers, and pilots were all running back and forth, screaming their faces off and scrambling for the life pods. He tried to pry off the panel blocking the controls, but it was no use. It was bolted straight into the machine itself. "I can't get the f-king thing off!" He cried, pulling on it and even considered kicking it in, which served no use. However, the red Spartan-II got the shotgun lying by his side, racked the pump, and nudged the maroon Spartan-II aside.

"Stand back, Simmons! I have the MASTER KEY! The SHOTGUN!" Before Simmons could react, the red Spartan fired at the panel, blowing it to smithereens as well as the controls inside. "PRIVATE GRIF! How many times do I have to tell you NOT TO LOAD MY SHOTGUN WITH BIRDSHOT!"

"That was birdshot?" Grif, the orange-colored Spartan-II, asked in confusion. "If that's birdshot... and does that much damage... now I see why there are so many red clouds appearing on the battlefield near Sarge!"

"SARGE!" Cried Simmons as buckshot-filled circuits spilled out of the machine. "IT'S DESTROYED!"

"We're all gonna die!" Screamed the aqua Spartan-II, running in circles and yelling like a moron (oh, wait...). "God have mercy on us!"

"Since we're all gonna die... I WANT TO HAVE NO REGRETS!" Cried Sarge, and soon, Grif found the shotgun belonging to Sarge being aimed at his head. "Grif, it was not nice knowing you!"

The aqua colored Spartan-II started running in the direction of the escape pods as the gigantic spaceship started to rock back and forth. "F-k this!" He yelled. "Caboose! Guys, come on!" Caboose, the only dark blue Spartan-II, looked around in confusion.

"Oh, man, look at that explosion!" Caboose exclaimed happily, pointing down the hallway to a rapidly expanding ball of fire, engulfing poor crew members.

"Caboose, you sonofa-"

Simmons kicked a section of hull plating off of him. "S-Sarge?" He asked fearfully, looking around cautiously. To be precise, he was in a metal graveyard. The UNSC Infinity was a big ship, yes, it was. But a shipwrecked UNSC Infinity was scary as f-k, because jagged pieces of metal were everywhere. The floor was now the ceiling, and the ceiling was now the floor. Light shone up from the new floor, displaying a gruesome image of a UNSC pilot impaled through the heart by a sharp section of the hull, dripping blood on the floor. Crap was everywhere. Weapons. Limbs. He even saw a grand piano that had flattened an unfortunate marine's head, as well as signs of a previous explosion and fire in the entire left side of the UNSC Infinity. Luckily, he still had his maroon powered assault armor, which completely covered his body.

"Is it a spider!?" Shrieked a voice down the hallway. It belonged to one of Simmons's friends, Franklin Delano Donut, or just "Donut". He saw Donut in his pink Spartan-II armor running towards a confused Simmons, splattered in blood that didn't even belong to him. Over his shoulder, Simmons saw thousands of tarantulas scuttling in their direction, including three on Donut's helmet. "GET IT OFF!" He screamed, slapping at his visor while Simmons calmly picked all 3 of them off. "S-Simmons! What happened!?" He cried, jumping on his back and clinging to him tightly as the spiders continued to head in the same direction, ignoring Donut and Simmons.

"Grif spilled coffee on the slipspace engine, and now we ended up here. But I don't know where exactly 'here' is." Slowly letting Donut down, Simmons activated the night vision on his helmet. "Come on. This way." He motioned to Donut, opening a door and letting a corpse dangle in front of his face. "OH F-K!" He yelped, taking out his M6 Magnum and firing a hole through its face. "Oh... just a corpse... ok..." He continued through the door, into what he assumed was the hangar. If one were to let a dozen 4 year olds in a room full of model spaceships and let them throw them around, the end result would be similar to what Simmons and Donut saw.

"Wow!" Donut gawked in amazement. "And I never knew coffee could accomplish so much!" But the hangar's entrance, the entrance where the spaceships entered, was completely demolished, letting in bright light. "And there's the outside world! Are we.. on... EARTH!?" He grabbed Simmons by the shoulders and jumped up and down in joy. "We landed on Earth! WE LANDED ON EARTH!" Donut threw the rifle off of his back and sprinted straight for the light, a few hundred meters away and steadily approaching.

"But not just any place on Earth..." When Simmons caught up with Donut, he could see a bustling city ahead of them and a bunch of news helicopters circling around them, as well as the fire department, the police, and thousands of cars parked at the scene. Checking his HUD, Simmons looked back at the hangar and then at the city. "We're in..."

"Did Grif die?" Sarge asked hopefully, trudging through some thick, slimy, dark red liquid. "Is this his foul blood we are walking in?" Bending down to take a sample with his finger, he looked at the substance resting on his finger. "Caboose? What do you think?"

"Grif has this much blood in his body?" Caboose asked in awe, walking right next to Sarge, who had his shotgun out just in case he saw Grif still alive. Two beams of bright light, coming from their helmets, were the only things cutting through the darkness.

"It's probably, I dunno..." Tucker responded, using his energy sword as a source of light, "...blood mixed in with oil? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!" He scooped up some of the viscous liquid and rested the blade of his sword against it. It immediately burst into flames. "Yep. Blood mixed with oil." He tripped over a corpse lying at the bottom of the blood marsh, sending him faceplanting into the red liquid and causing him to drop his sword.

"Uh, oh!" Caboose grabbed Tucker's energy sword before the entire room turned into a fire party, then deactivated it. "Tucker? Are you okay? Did Grendel's mom eat you?" All of a sudden, Tucker emerged, splattered in the blood-oil combo.

"Son of a b-tch!" Tucker cried in disgust, brushing himself off. "Church, why didn't you tell me there was a corpse there!?"

The AI residing in Caboose's neural implant shot back, "Well, Caboose's helmet doesn't have eyes on the back of it! A-shole." He muttered.

"HAHA!" Sarge suddenly whipped around and fired his shotgun at a frozen, skinned pig. Its frozen chunks of meat were blasted off into an icy and meaty mist, leaving only the legs left. "Oh. I thought that was Grif."

"Seriously, why are you obsessed with killing Grif?" Church asked in boredom. "Your plans never work anyways."

"Shut up, blue!" Snapped Sarge, infuriated at Church's comment. "How about the time we killed the Meta, huh? Or the time we, like... we took out Agent Washington?"

"I just noticed something." Church pointed out. "No, I'm not trying to change the subject. Why do you sound different?"

"What?" Sarge asked, then suddenly noticed his voice sounded higher. "What the h-ll!? What's wrong with my voice!?"

"ME TOO!" Shouted Tucker, grasping his helmet in horror and removing it, then looking at the visor's reflection. "AAAHHHH!" The Indian Spartan-II screamed in horror, staring at his reflection.

Caboose did the same. "I'M YOUNGER!" He yelled in joy, dancing around in happiness. "Yaaay! I can go back to Legoland now!"

"But we're teenagers!" Protested Tucker. "Teens are too old to go to Legoland!"

"How could this happen!" Sarge asked in horror, almost gouging his eyes out. "Hey, I remember this hairstyle! It's like the one Duke Nukem has!"

"Didn't you say you had that hairstyle when you were sixteen?" Pointed out Church, trying to convey something to the three Spartans.

"Hey, yeah!" Sarge remembered, smiling at his memories. "I did have this hairstyle when I was sixteen."

Silence.

"Wait.. when I was sixteen?" The truth shot through Sarge's veins and hit his brain.

"AAAHHHHHHH!"

"OMG!" Donut squealed in excitement, sliding down the hill of debris and finally reaching the ground. "I love Japan! They brought us awesome toilets, Dance Dance Revolution, and last but not least... ANIME AND MANGA!" Simmons tried to catch up with Donut as he started sprinting to the city, displaying his high-tech, revolutionary Spartan-II armor to the whole world.

"WAIT! DONUT!" Simmons cried. "We don't want them to know we're part of the UNSC, remember! We're supposed to keep our identities a secret!" Simmons's armor unfolded into a crimson backpack, and his bodysuit deactivated, leaving him in his white long-sleeved shirt with a maroon t-shirt over it, as well as... KHAKIS.

"Oh, yeah!" Donut's armor unfolded as well, followed by his bodysuit deactivating. "I just got this shirt and bootcut jeans for a STEAL!" He exclaimed happily, displaying his pink flannel t-shirt and bootcut, dark jeans.

Simmons asked, "How much did they cost?" The cool thing about Donut's armor was that it unfolded into a wrist watch. A friggin' wrist watch! How cooler could it be? But Simmons.. HE HAD A BACKPACK! When he was walking around with it in the public, everybody suspected he was carrying a bomb or something like that.

"$300 total, why?" Donut answered innocently.

"Nobody pays $300 for clothing." Simmons muttered under his breath. "Nothing, it just looked... expensive. Wait, why do you look different? Why do we sound younger?" Simmons suddenly had a panic attack. "OH SH-T! Donut, a side affect of a malfunctioning slipspace drive is... REVERSED AGE!?" He cried in terror, then yelled, "SCREW YOU PUBERTY!"

"We're... younger!?" Taking a mirror out of his pocket, Donut looked at his reflection. "Hey! I'm sixteen again! WE'RE sixteen again! YEAHAH PAR-TAY!" He cheered, running around in circles.

"Oh, joy." Simmons facepalmed.

"Where... are we?" Sarge slid down the hill of debris, looking at the city and circling helicopters above them.

"Seriously." Reiterated Tucker. "I. Am. So. Freaking. Happy that I am 16 AGAIN! WOO HOO!" He swan-dived into the slide of debris, rolling down the hill and reaching the bottom right before Caboose slid down and accidentally smashed Tucker's groin with his feet. "OHOWW! OOOWW! Mother f-ker, Caboose! What was that for!?"

"Sorry." Caboose apologized. "Hey! I know this city! We're in.. Japan!"

"JAPAN!?" Sarge asked incredulously. "I don't know how to speak Japanese! Koninchiwa? That's all I know!"

"I know how!" Caboose volunteered his so-called 'superior' Japanese-speaking skills. "Ching chang chong chang ching wo tao bu jing hao de-"

"That's racist!" Tucker snapped, but slowly erupted into giggles.

"-Kore de wa?" Finished off Caboose, pointing upwards. After he heard an awkward wooshing noise above him, Tucker looked up and gaped in horror and awe.

Church yelled, "HOLY SH-T! Guys! RUN! F-king drop the sh-t and run!" Hovering above them were 15 girls. All were around 16 years old, pretty hot, and wore revealing mech suits armed with lasers and missiles. "Unless their weaponry can do jack sh-t against us, which I strongly doubt, I think it's safe to say that we are utterly and totally... f-ked." They all took out scary-looking laser rifles and aimed them at Tucker, Caboose, and a dumbfounded Sarge.

"COOL!" Caboose was friggin' freaking out. Now, Caboose had the mind of a child because of his mental condition. And children like laser guns and gigantic robots, as well (they will never admit it) as girls. Pretty and cute girls. Now imagine if you were to combine them and make them that boy's reality. At the least, he would freak out and parade through the streets, throwing money everywhere and screaming from pure happiness. "R-robot girls! Tucker! LOOK! Pretty girls in robot suits with laser guns!"

"Hey, baby, are you from outer space?" Tucker asked, smirking. "'Cause your a-s is outta this world! AH!" He suddenly yelped, hopping back and dodging a burst of lasers from them.

Sarge grimaced. "I've never hit a girl in my whole life! And it would d-mn suck if we had to... wait, did the Infinity's fusion reactors explode yet?" All of a sudden, the ground shook like a hummingbird on meth, followed by an eerie screeching noise and purple light erupting everywhere. Turning around, Sarge saw the UNSC Infinity being tossed up in the air with purple rays of light shooting out of it.

"Oh, you son of a bitc-"

"Oooowwwww!" Wailed Donut, crawling along the floor. "Grif, why did you have to spill coffee on the slipspace engine?" Donut still had a bunch of things to worry about. When he was taking an engineering class during his training, he learned that not all fusion reactors are 100% radioactive-free, such as the UNSC Infinity's fusion reactors. Also, to add to his bad luck, Donut was near one of the reactors that was scheduled to be replaced, because it was a FISSION reactor! Not only that... during the explosion, the Infinity was completely f-ked up. Shards of metal were everywhere in various sizes, and one landed on Donut's unlucky side, giving him a bleeding forearm.

A tarantula skittered across a section of hull plating and looked at Donut.

"W-what!?" Donut cried, shuffling and crawling away. "Get away from me! Go! SHOO!" It leaped on his wounded forearm and bared its fangs. "NO! GO AWAY! YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE! NOOOOO-" He shrieked, but it was far too late. The spider was curled up on the floor, dead, but NOT BEFORE IT BIT DONUT ON THE EXPOSED AREA! "AAAHHHHH!" Donut screeched, clutching his arm. "Jesus tap-dancing Christ! Dirty wh-re! But man, you have sexy legs!" Donut suddenly complimented. "Ow! Oooowwwww! It hurts like salt on a cut!"

"Donut!?" Shouted a familiar voice incredulously, one that belonged to a purple-armored Spartan-II. "Is that you?" All of a sudden, Donut was blinded by daylight, and standing above him was the friendly face of Doc. Frank "Doc" DuFresne, although Donut couldn't see through the visor of his helmet. But he was positive he was smiling. "Oh, thank god! Donut! What happened!?"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Warned Grif, who was dragging along an unconscious Simmons.

"Umm.. the slipspace drive malfunctioned!" Donut responded.

"...because Grif spilled coffee on it..." mumbled Simmons as he slowly woke up.

Doc looked at Grif and held up his hands in a WTF? manner. "Grif, why did you spill coffee on the translight... slipspace engine!? I'm not a scientist, but I do know the consequences of a slipspace drive malfunctioning! This includes the death and/or disappearance of the entire crew! You should be ashamed of yourself, but at least we ended up in Japan!"

"The place of hot chicks who are smart and hot ecchi anime." Grif smiled, looking at the city. "HEY! Where the heck are the others!? CABOOSE! TUCKER! Come the f-king on, where ARE they!?" Suddenly, Grif and Simmons flew into Doc just as he was helping Donut up, thanks to a sudden wall of flames rising up. "HEY! What the h-ll was THAT FOR- uh, Simmons?" Grif looked dead ahead to an awkward but heavenly sight; About 14 years of age was a mildly attractive girl, surrounded by flames. Along with them was her pink hair tied into 3-foot long twintails, dancing in the air. She wore a white and golden robe, also covered by a thin layer of flames, holding a friggin' huge fire axe in one hand. She looked scary as h-ll, though, from the way her eyes with pink irises figuratively bored two holed into Simmons's head.

"Uh... what?" Doc just choked out in surprise. "How... what... how did she... why... guys, did you see that?"

"Do you also see how the sky is blue?" Grif rolled his eyes. "Of course I saw that, Doc. We all saw a 14 year old hot babe appear in front of us in the most peculiar way."

Simmons corrected, "Peculiar MY A-S! That was an epic, dramatic, and unbelievably sexy pyrotechnic entry!"

Just then, the 15 girls in mech suits flew up to surround the 4 spartans and fiery chick.

"I see..." Said the fiery girl, deep in thought. "...so if you're not affiliated with them, what do we do?"

"JEEZ!" Doc noticed the large gash on Donut's arm. "Shiznoodle, Donut! Do you feel dizzy... or weird... or anything like that? Do you have increased temperatures or numbing?"

"No, it just HURTS! AAHHHH!" Donut shrieked in pain.

"Holy sh-t!" Grif also noticed Donut's wound. "That looks brutal, dude! What the h-ll happened to you!?"

Donut removed his helmet and sneezed blood all over his right forearm. "Ah... ah... a spider bit me! It really hurt! A gosh darn tarantula! Like, the size of a baseball mitt!"

"Uh, guys, we're surrounded." Grif warned. "Now, GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"So you were bitten by a spider..." Doc observed the wound. "It looks fresh... uh oh, this can't be good."

"What?" Donut cringed, contemplating what would happen to him if the wound was left ignored. "What could happen to me!?"

"Well, for starters," Doc said, observing Donut's wound. "...everything inside the Infinity would have been caught in the effective blast range of the fission reactor. That means everything inside would have been blasted with fatal amounts of radiation, including the spider that bit you. Normally, you would just get radiation sickness, which your armor can automatically take care of. HOWEVER, thanks to your genetic and physical augmentations given to us by the UNSC... there is a good chance... abnormalities can occur. They could range from birth-defected children to... I don't know. It's just that our augmentations, like..."



"F-k up?" Grif suggested, backing up against Simmons and looking around for a possible weapon. "'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE IF WE DON'T RUN! Wait... Doc... did you say... Donut was bitten by a spider? A... radioactive one?"

"Yes." Said Doc and Donut simultaneously. "Donut was bitten by a radioactive spider."

"HO-LY SH-T." Grif suddenly shouted in disbelief and happiness. "DONUT! You were bitten by a... RADIOACTIVE SPIDER! Do you know what that means!?"

"Grif..." Donut laughed in absurdity. "...just because I was bitten by a... radioactive spider, it doesn't mean that I turn into spiderman! See?" He aimed his injured arm at a DEM girl. "Nothing's happeninOH CRAP!" He yelled. The DEM girl Donut was aiming at flew back with the excessive force of the webbing and smashed into the floor.

Silence.

"Yeah..." Doc mumbled, dumbfounded. "...I'm gonna pretend I never saw that..." Donut aimed his hand at another DEM girl and fired a web out from his palm, and that was when sh-t hit the fan. All the other started firing their lasers. Their rockets. Everything they had. The stringy web wrapped around the DEM girl, and Donut swung her like a bat into 9 other DEM girls, leaving 4 left.

"NINE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WH-RES!" Donut cheered in success, high-fiving Grif.

"Who... one of the girls demanded, aiming her laser rifle at Donut. "...who the h-ll are you?"

"The name's Franklin Delano Donut!" Donut jabbed a finger in his chest and took on a heroic pose. "But from now on, you should all refer to me... as... SPIDER DONUT! OR... DONUT MAN! That's it... DONUT MAN! Fear the webbed donut!"

"C'mon." One of the girls suggested. "We should cut and run."

"WE DIDN'T EVEN KILL THE SPIRIT YET!" The leader protested. However, Donut fired a web at the remaining four, using it to wrap them up like a burrito.

"Which way is home?" Donut asked as they tried to shoot their way out of the web, met with unsuccessful attempts. "Man, this web is STRONG! It can resist lasers?! I HAVE THE BEST POWER EVER!" The leader pointed to the city, and as a result, Donut swung them around as if he was spinning a lariat and tossed them to the city like a pro. No, not like a pro. Like a donut.

"GO F-K YOURSELVES WITH A CACTUS!" Shouted the fiery girl to the remaining DEM girls, who were scrambling away and flying to the city. "DEM Industries... those idiots can kill themselves for all I care..."

"Uh... are you okay?" Simmons asked, hurrying over to the girl. "Did they, uh, shoot you or anything?"

"No." She smiled. "You absorbed all of their attacks for me, which is something I'll thank you for."

"ME!?" Grif shouted, smiling.

"Not you, baka." The girl muttered. "Just you! What's your name?" She asked Simmons, whose million-dollar powered assault armor was scorched black THANKS TO THE FRIGGIN' LASERS AND MISSILES.

"Uh... Simmons. Private Dick Simmons of the UNSC!" Simmons saluted, bowing down to her. "It is an honor to serve you."

"Kiss a-s." Grif facepalmed, falling to the floor in exhaustion from dodging the missiles and lasers.

"LAZY A-S!" Simmons shot back, then faced the girl. "So... uh... what's your name?"

"They call me 'Efreet'." All of a sudden, the girl sat down, and as a result, a wall of flames erupted around the two. "I like this setting because it gives us more... privacy." Simmons nervously looked over his shoulder to see if his 3 friends were still there. But he couldn't see jack sh-t through the flames.

"GRIF!" Sarge yelled as Grif heard the sound of a safety flipping off behind his head. "Where the h-ll have you been!?" BANG! Instead of Grif's head exploding, his ears nearly did, because for SOME REASON, Sarge was trying to shoot AT THE WALL OF FLAMES! "Doc, am I glad to see you! Tell me, what the h-ll is that thing? A firenado?"

"OOH! How about Sharknado!?" Caboose suggested, happy as ever as he rejoined the rest of his friends. "Oh, hey, guys! We finally found you! What's that?" He pointed to the fire vortex, spinning and roaring as it grew in size. "Did it eat somebody?"



"Yes, in fact!" Doc shouted nervously. "SIMMONS!"

I don't think this chapter turned out well, do you? But luckily, I already have the rest of the story planned out! This includes who is going to be matched up with who, based on my opinions and the characters' personalities. Please R&R!