About a year and a half ago, I took an adventure. I traveled to an alternate reality in which we could clone people. This alternate reality was MLB: The Show, and the person I cloned was the only person in the world whom everyone would agree we could use some more of: Bartolo Colon. I cloned Bartolo 24 times, and I filled an entire baseball team with the real Bartolo and his 24 fellow Colones. I made them play a game against a team full of Ryan Howard clones. I documented my experiences here.

According to the reception that documentation received, it was apparently the greatest thing I have ever done. I've spent the last year and a half wondering if I could ever make something as great again, and what I would have to do to at least match my efforts there.

For a while I had nothing, and I was becoming resigned to the fact that the Team of Bartolo Colons was probably a one-hit wonder. Until I realized just the other day what was necessary for a sequel.

I needed to go bigger. I needed to go better. I needed to expand. One team of Bartolo Colons was not enough, no. Two teams was not enough. I needed 30 teams of Bartolo Colons. I needed to create an entire League Of Bartolo Colons.

In this world of MLB: The Show, all 30 MLB teams will be comprised entirely of Bartolo Colons. Bartolo will be every single man in baseball. There is nobody else in this world; there is only Bartolo. Bart will pitch to himself, and he will hit against himself. He will field against himself, and he will run against himself. God bless Sony for allowing this to happen.

So let's go on another adventure. Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three. Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination. Take a look and you'll see into your imagination.

How it will work:

I still had the Bartolo Colones saved in my files from the previous adventure, so that part was easy. The harder part was importing those clones 750 times and saving them over every single player on an MLB roster. This entire exercise was tedious and took me about a full hour or so to do, but I did it knowing the result would be well worth it. And it was also somewhat satisfying to see players like Jimmy Rollins and Eric Hosmer erased from existence and replaced with Bartolo Colon. You know, satisfying in a weird, sociopathic kind of way. Maybe I should see that psychologist people keep telling me to go see. Maybe not.

Anyway, I will simulate an entire season with every team being comprised of Bartolo Colons. This is the Bartolo Colon League. I will keep the real, game-issued Bartolo on the Mets, and we'll monitor his production as the season goes along as well.

I am very curious to see how this pans out. Obviously the pitching will dominate, but just how much? What teams will do the best, and which teams will suck? And what will separate the good from the bad? How much parity will the league wind up having? What will the offensive statistics actually look like?

There are so many questions. This could be immaculate.

The First Game

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I did not plan to watch any games until the postseason at the very least, but I wanted to get a sense of just what we were in store for, so I decided to watch the first game of the season between the Cardinals and the Cubs.

The game goes scoreless for 17 innings. The Cubs' Bartolo takes a no-hitter into the 7th inning before it gets broken up on this BS hit:

The teams combine for 8 hits in the first 11 innings, and from the 12th inning to the 17th inning, nobody on either side gets a single hit. There are 47 total strikeouts in the entire game—25 for the Cardinals, and 22 for the Cubs. There is one walk in the entire game. Both starters go 8 scoreless before being pulled for pinch hitters (yeah, I don't know).

This game is just zeroes after zeroes, and I am beginning to wonder at this point if the game would ever end. Had I created an infinite loop of Bartolo? Would it be possible for this season to even start, let alone end, if games were infinite? Finally, though, in the 18th inning, the Cardinals break through on an error and score 2 runs. They win the game, 2-0. It took 18 innings.

Oh dear lord what have I gotten myself into.

The first week

Bartolos, Bartolos everywhere. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and you will.

The season is now underway. The Bartolo gauntlet has begun. After the way the first game went, let's just check in after a week of play to see if the first game was an anomaly or if it was the way of the League of Bartolo Colons. We knew this would be a pitching-dominant league, but if you thought Bart might go easy on himself, you were terribly mislead. This is a Bart-eat-Bart world. This is every Bart for himself.

There are 38 complete games pitched in the first week of play; 18 of them shutouts. The OPS leader in the NL through about 8 games is a fellow on the Braves who has posted a .676. To be fair though, there is a monster on the Red Sox who has somehow managed an .800 OPS to lead the AL to this point.

There were 13 home runs in the whole league in this week, although there were amazingly 12 triples in the league. Oh, and remember that one walk in the first game? That is still the only walk in the entire league to this point—an entire week in.

The best team in the league through the first week is the Texas Rangers, who are 7-1. But there is much season to go.

The first two months

Two months have gone by; it is now June. We have had two months of the Bart Experience. Let's check in again just to see if things have gotten any better from the first week. Maybe the Barts have learned to hit better.

They have gotten worse.

The American League's leading hitter plays for the Orioles. He is batting .215. A Colone has managed a .235 on the Giants, however, to lead the NL. MLB's leading home run hitter is on the Angels, and he has 3. MLB's OPS leader plays for the Cardinals; he has a .510. There are 90 home runs hit throughout the league to this point. The Blue Jays, as a team, lead the league with a combined 10. The Tigers are the only team that have not hit a dinger yet.

Through the first two months, there are 632 shutouts in the entire league. SEVEN QUALIFIED STARTING PITCHERS HAVE NOT EVEN ALLOWED A SINGLE RUN YET. Just a reminder, this is in June.

The best fielding groups of Barts play on the Mets, Brewers, and Cardinals, who all are tied for the least amount of errors in the league, with 58.

The team with the worst collective ERA is the Phillies. They have a 0.74. The Rangers lead all of MLB with a 0.25. Oh, and remember that one walk? You know, the one in that first game? THAT IS STILL THE ONLY WALK IN THE ENTIRE LEAGUE FOR THE FIRST TWO MONTHS OF THE SEASON.

This is not a pitching-dominant league. I may have terribly underestimated this. This is a league devout of any semblance of offense, and very little defense. Games are going 15 or 20 innings without any scoring. I have destroyed the game of baseball. This is a baseball nightmare, but it is also simultaneously still a baseball paradise because Bartolo Colon is literally every single player. It is the world's biggest paradox.

The best teams in baseball are the Rangers and the Mets(!) who both sit at 31-19 records. The worst team is the Phillies, at 18-31. Most teams are hovering around .500. The parity of this league is clearly noticeable.

Oh, and Real Bart is an MVP candidate!

He's in third place, but he's still got a long time to catch up with those other two.

The All-Star break

Now at the essential mid-point of the year, the Orioles have emerged as the best team in baseball, with a 53-35 record. The Phillies are still floundering at the bottom with a 34-57 record. The league has opened up a little bit, but most teams are still within 5 or 10 games of .500. The Mets and Braves currently sit tied atop the NL East at 47-42.

And there still haven't been any more walks.

The Home Run Derby is a gorgeous, magnificent atrocity. Only 3 hitters in the derby have a home run to this point in the season, and only one of them has multiple home runs. MLB's leader in home runs is still a tie between multiple Colones at 3, but none of them are in the derby for some reason.

There are 18 home runs hit in the entire derby. There are several swing-offs that last for excruciatingly long times because nobody can hit a single dinger. At the end of the contest, a San Francisco Giants clone wins the derby. Here, for your pleasure now, is the image of Bartolo Colon holding up a Home Run Derby trophy:

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.

The next night, it is the All-Colon All-Star Game. Here is the starting pitching matchup:

The NL goes on to win the game 4-0, thanks to a 4-run 5th inning. The NL starting pitcher goes the distance for the complete game shutout, because lol whatever.

We are now halfway through the season, and somehow this league hasn't been shutdown yet.

September pennant races

We're checking back in now later in the season just in time for the pennant races to heat up. And boy, are they heating up. With 2 weeks to go in the season, every single division except for the AL Central has 3.0 games or less between the top two teams. The Royals lead the AL Central by 6.5 games.

Catching up with the real Bartolo on the Mets, he currently sits pretty with a 0.59 ERA, 215 Ks, and a 9-5 record. Unfortunately, he has fallen out of the Cy Young race, because those numbers don't even render him as a top-50 pitcher in baseball. Offense has been unforgivingly destroyed with a hydrogen bomb.

The Mets, with two weeks to go, are in a battle with both the Nationals and the Marlins for the NL East crown. By the end of the last week of the season, most divisions actually wind up finishing without much incident or excitement, despite the close proximity of the teams a few weeks ago. Going into the final weekend, there are only three divisions undecided: the AL East, the NL West, and the NL East.

The Dodgers would win their division on the final day, outlasting the Giants. So not even the jolly, wonderful Bartolos can bring peace between the Dodgers and Giants. The Red Sox and Orioles go to a Game 163 to decide the AL East, which Boston wins 3-0. But what about that NL East and our beloved New York Mets?

The Mets clinched a wild card berth, but the division was still up for grabs on the final day. The Mets were one game behind the Marlins with one left to play.

The Marlins lose on the last Sunday, opening up the possibility for a Game 163 if the Mets win. Unfortunately, the Nationals beat the Mets on the last day because of course they do, and the Marlins win the division. The Mets and Nationals both get wild cards.

These are the final standings:

NL East NL Central NL West x-Marlins 87-75 x-Cardinals 89-73 x-Dodgers 83-79 y-Mets 86-76 Cubs 83-79 Giants 82-80 y-Nationals 86-76 Reds 83-79 Padres 81-81 Braves 78-84 Brewers 79-83 Diamondbacks 79-83 Phillies 70-92 Pirates 73-89 Rockies 74-89 AL East AL Central AL West x-Red Sox 90-73 x-Royals 87-75 x-Astros 86-76 y-Orioles 89-74 White Sox 82-80 y-Rangers 85-77 Yankees 79-83 Tigers 81-81 Mariners 83-79 Blue Jays 77-85 Twins 81-81 Angels 73-89 Rays 77-85 Indians 77-85 Athletics 71-91

Viewing the damage

Alright, so what are the final stats? How bad are the offensive numbers? Well...

The batting title for the American League is won by a Colone on the Red Sox with a cool .204 mark. The NL batting champion plays on the Braves, and he rocked a .195 average. MLB's OPS champion is another Red Sox Bart, with a .443. He is also the league's leading slugger with a .235 SLG%, he led all of MLB in home runs with 5, and he is the RBI king with 28. So the Red Sox have the league's most powerful Bart, as well as the league's most consistent contact hitter. There was not a single stolen base attempted by anyone in the entire season, probably because the Bartolo Colons are actually smart.

There was an Orioles Bartolo who hit 6 triples. He has been elected president.

The Cy Young races were the same as the MVP races. Literally, the same top three candidates for the Cy Young were also the same three candidates for the MVP in both leagues. The winners were also the same, and they played for the Angels and Reds, respectively. The Angels' Bartolo put up a 0.23 ERA with 298 strikeouts, and a 12-5 record. The Reds' Bartolo put up a 0.17 ERA with 304 strikeouts, and a 13-3 record.

There was a Colone on the Blue Jays who threw 8 shutouts. There was a Bartolo on the Royals who had a 0.13 ERA. Neither of them won the Cy Young.

169 runs were scored by the Red Sox in the entire season. That led all of MLB. The Phillies were in last with 118. Again, the parity couldn't be more evident. Throughout the league, there were 273 homers hit. The Twins hit the most as a team with 16. The Orioles were in last place, having just one lonely dinger the whole season.

Every team struck out more than 2,000 times throughout the season. The Rays struck out 2,529 times for the worst mark in the league; the White Sox were the best with 2,061. That is an average of 12.7 per game. The best team at not striking out still struck out almost 13 times per game.

Every team also had more than 200 errors for the season. The Cardinals had the least, with 227, and the Rays had the most, with 311. The Rays' Bartolos were not very good at this.

The Rangers had the best composite team ERA with a 0.37. The Braves had the worst ERA in the whole league with a—you ready?—0.57 ERA. Yup.

There were 2,069 shutouts in the entire season. There are 2,430 total games in season of Major League Baseball. That is 85 percent of the games. In 85 percent of the games, one team didn't score at all. This is baseball in the League of Bartolo Colons.

And there were no more walks.

Seriously, there was one walk in the entire season! Like, how is that even possible? I mean, I know Bartolo is a tremendous control pitcher and he's never drawn a walk at the plate in his career, but just one in almost 2,500 games? That's downright incredible. Maybe the game just couldn't process Bartolo Colon drawing a walk outside of one improbable aberration. I don't know. I don't have the answers.

The Postseason

The Mets and Nationals face off in the Wild Card game at Citi Field. Most notably, Real Bartolo is pitching for the Mets. The Nationals take a 1-0 lead in the 3rd inning thanks to a couple of hits and an error. The Nats kept the Mets off the board for the whole game, basically, until the 9th inning. The score is still 1-0; remember, this is how this league works. However, in the bottom of the 9th, the Mets have a runner in scoring position. A hit would tie the game and send us to (possibly a lot of) extra innings. There are 2 outs. It is a 1-2 count on the Mets' Bartolo against the Nats' closer Bartolo.

And...

He strikes out. The Nationals win the wild card. Here is a gif of the Washington National Bartolo Colons celebrating on Citi Field turf because everything is terrible and God is dead.

Meanwhile, in the other wild card game, the Orioles defeat the Rangers to advance.

In the NLDS's, the Marlins defeat the Dodgers in 4 games, and the Cardinals defeat the Nationals in 5 games. In the American League, the ALCS is between the Astros and Red Sox after they knocked off the Royals and Orioles, respectively.

The Cardinals sweep the Marlins in the NLCS in four games, with four consecutive 1-0 wins. They won the first game in 9 innings. They won the second game 11 innings. They won the third game in—I kid you not—29 innings. The teams went 28 innings scoreless. Um, okay. Yeah, I mean whatever. I'm sure this happened a ton of times throughout the season. It's not like I really checked the individual games. Whatever. Game 4 was decided in... HOLY CRAP WHAT

Oh my god.

Oh my GOD.

OH MY GOD.

What have I done?

What have I done? Fourty-Five innings of awful baseball? I can't. I don't—how? And worst of all, it got the Cardinals into the World Series.

This got me curious, though. I started looking around the rest of the postseason games to see if I had missed any other obscenely long games. It turns out there were several other 1-0, 20+ inning games. And then there was this:

That is real, straight from my TV. That is not photoshopped. This actually happened. The game actually processed this.

WHAT HAVE I DONE? What did I do to baseball? I don't think I can even continue this from here. Besides, the Red Sox won the ALCS, so the World Series is the fucking Red Sox and Cardinals again, because it doesn't matter what you do, you can take the players out and replace them all with Bartolo Colons, but baseball is still and always will be a dick.

But 63 innings, though. Now, I've been screwing around with baseball video games for at least 10 years, and I've never seen anything close to 63 innings happen, ever. I didn't even know the game could render that. I can only imagine how many times this has happened over the season. What have I actually done to baseball?

I destroyed baseball. I annihilated baseball. I decimated it. I took the sport of baseball, ripped its face off, put it in a blender and mashed it into a smoothie, drank it, pooped it out, burned the excrement remains, and then threw the ashes in Chase Utley's face.

And you know what? I'm not sorry. This is Bartolo baseball. This is what it would be like if everyone was Bartolo Colon. We needed this; we needed to find out. 63-inning games and no walks at all, ever, that's what it would be like. I did this for us, and I did it because Bartolo Colon is awesome and we really do need more of him. I created a fantasy that we all wish we could actually see in real life for just one day. Sure, the results were so astoundingly bad that real baseball fans could actually be personally offended. But this is our imagination. We all want more Bartolo. We could all use a little more Bartolo.

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free, if you truly wish to be.

Oh, and the Cardinals won the World Series again because screw you.