Presented by: The Ultimate Hatelist

10. People With Middle Names

A fairly common way to elude to the fact that you are extremely pretentious and/or a douche is by speaking with a fake British accent, showing people pictures you keep in your wallet of your children that you’ve named after yourself, making hats out of papier mache` and having a middle name on Facebook. Just who exactly do you think you are? You are so important that you feel that you deserve to have one more name than everyone else? In the hierarchy of Facebook users you’re right below people who have nicknames instead of real ones on their profiles. At least on some level those people know that they are a joke.

Note: Maiden names are acceptable.

9. Anyone who writes on the wall of an event

“Hey Chad, sorry I won’t be able to make it to your birthday party this weekend. I’ll be in South America helping the local tribes. Drop me a line if you’re coming down that way.” Hey, wall-event-writer-guy, who gives a shit what you are doing and why you can’t come to Chad’s birthday? Nobody. If you really wanted to tell Chad why you couldn’t make it, you could send him a message or even call him. No one is really going to notice if you don’t come anyways. You were only invited because he sent an invitation to everyone he’s friends with. You probably haven’t spoken a word to Chad since freshman year of college and just wanted to tell someone on Facebook what your doing because you know that no one cares in real life. And for the record, now you know people on Facebook don’t care either.

8. Constant Status Updater

Similar to the wall-event-writer, this jerkoff treats his Facebook status like it’s Twitter. He, like the wall-event-writer, thinks we care what he is doing, what he has to say or what Shin’s lyrics he found particularly inspirational at that exact minute. This is the same guy who in middle school changed his AIM away message every 10 minutes. Hey, I didn’t elect to follow your Twitter. Cool it with the status updates. It’s like I’m the guy from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ with my eyes taped open being forced to see your constantly shitty updates. And it’s not nearly as entertaining as the good ol’ ultra violence, yet I usually feel equally as sick.

7. The People Selling me stuff

No, I don’t want to join your group, I don’t want to support your cause and I certainly don’t want to see your goddamn band play. If I wanted to be overwhelmed by advertisements for things I definitely don’t want, I would be looking at internet porn. And considering that’s what I was just doing, I think I would prefer it if you stopped trying to get me to play Mobsters. Okay? I don’t want to play Mobsters!

6. Facebook Couples

These are the two people who are not allowed to have a Facebook picture without the other one in it. They’ve also been known to exclaim how much they love each other via wall post. And we can’t forget their daily status countdown of days until they are reunited. Enough, we get it. You like each other. I didn’t know you could have a public display of affection without being in public. And now that I do know, I am pretty sure I hate it. I am also pretty sure that if I were to dine in the same restaurant as this couple, they would literally be making out on my lap. Excuse me Facebook couples, it’s 9:00pm, time for your Skype date. No, you hang up first.

5. Anyone who has ever given a Facebook gift

Who would pay for a gift that’s not real? Who would actually give a fake gift to someone else on their birthday? And furthermore, what is the recipient of that gift supposed to do with it? Are they supposed to log on everyday and look at an awesome picture of a green duck with a pink bow? Maybe I am just missing something here.

4. People who post little pictures

Facebook stalking is not just a pass time for me, but a way of life. As most of you know, but will avidly deny, there is nothing more frustrating than desperately trying to find a good picture of a certain girl’s side boob and having to sort through a series of pictures 1/8 the size of normal ones. It’s the worst. Additionally, I will amend this post to include the girl whose been on Facebook for five years, but only has 12 pictures. Who are you kidding? We know you are a ‘serial untagger’ and that these are the best 12 pictures you’ve ever taken in your whole life. Ugly and dishonest? You bitch.

3. The girls who make the kissy face and guys who give the finger in every picture

Do you think they date each other? Or maybe it’s just complicated.

2. The friend who logs on as you and changes your info

Everyone has the friend who goes on your computer when you go to the bathroom and changes all your Facebook info. The information they change varies from case to case, but they never forget to switch your sexual preference to ‘Men’. Of course, you won’t notice until you start getting really strange friend requests from guys with lip rings. Hilarious guys, hilarious.

1. Your Dad

What is your dad doing on Facebook? It seems like the only thing he does is act like the hallway monitor of Facebook preventing people from having any fun. If Facebook was an office, your dad would be the boss’ son walking into the break room and trying to join in on the office goofs. Whenever I get blackout drunk, which is pretty much all the time, someone will inevitably write something on my wall like, “Man, you were hammered last night.” Which in turn causes your dad to chime in with, “I hope your parents don’t know how you behave. It’s okay, I’m cool, I won’t say anything. But be careful!” …Yeah… real cool.

Presented by: The Ultimate Hatelist