The other day I saw a youtube video of a colour-blind man putting on dark glasses that apparently let him see colours properly for the first time. The man looks dumbfounded, literally moved to tears as he looks at some flowers. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was really seeing colours for the first time? Was this a yet another Internet hoax? After celebrating the trade of Sidney Crosby to the Toronto Maple Leafs and sending a $300 money order to a Nigerian princess in distress, I’ve become a tad skeptical about the Internet.

I was in Grade 7 when someone from the Canadian government entered my homeroom class and showed us a series of projected slides, asking what numbers we could see in them. As my classmates were writing down the numbers, I began to look for Allan Funt, (Ashton Kutcher, or Howie Mandel, for my more tender-aged readers.) Inexplicably, I saw nothing. No Funt/Kutcher/Mandel, no hidden cameras, and more to the point, no numbers in the stupid slides. I can’t remember how many slides were shown, but I seemed to be the only one in the room who saw only blotches with no discernible numbers anywhere.

About a month later, my should-have-divorced-years-before-parents, received a letter from the Government of Canada saying that their only child was severely colour-blind. The letter listed jobs that I would never be able to do because of my affliction. Apparently, I couldn’t become a pilot or an electrician. My parents were more relieved than anything because at the time I couldn’t negotiate a simple turn on my bike, and had difficulty constructing with Lego. Colour-blindness not withstanding, and to the benefit of mankind, there was now no danger of me becoming a pilot or electrical engineer.

I would occasionally, in social situations, tell people I was colour blind. I think, for me, it was a strategy to make myself more interesting. I was damaged goods, a one-percenter, a unique individual. However, the response to my admission of colour blindness was not what I expected, or wanted. In fact, it bugged the living crap out of me, and still does to this day.

The following is the typical conversation that would follow after telling someone I was colour blind. I have taken the liberty to parenthetically add what I wanted to say, but didn’t, so as not be rude.

Spenny: "I’m colour-blind."

Annoying person: "Really? You don’t see colours at all?"

Spenny: "I can see colours." (Do you really think see in black and white, you nitwit?)

Annoying person: "So, what do you see?"

Spenny: "That’s hard to put into words." (Sure. Perhaps you’d like to verbalize what a rump roast tastes like.)

Annoying person: "So, what colour is my shirt?"

Spenny: "Blue and white." (It’s a Toronto Maple Leaf sweater, moron!)

Annoying person: "So you can see colours?"

Spenny: "Yes." (Didn’t I just say I saw colours! On a side note, words matter when conversing.)

Annoying person: "So, what makes you colour blind?"

Spenny: "My parents got a letter from the government after I was tested saying I was colour blind." (Do you think I just make this stuff up so I can get grilled by imbeciles like you?)

Annoying person: "So what colour is my wallet?"

Spenny: "Green?" (If he asks me what colour anything else is I’m going kick him in the groin.)

Annoying person: "It’s actually brown."

Spenny: "Yeah, well I have trouble differentiating greens and yellows." (Do you believe me now, or do I need to swear an affidavit?)

Annoying person: "What colour is the sign over there?"

Spenny: "I dunno." ("¦ but I’d like to hit you over the head with it’)

Annoying person: "It’s mauve."

Spenny: Oh. (MAUVE?!?!? You’re asking a colour blind person about some half-baked, chichi colour like mauve!)

Annoying person: "What colour is that car?"

Spenny: "Oh my. Look at the time. I’m late for a meeting. Gotta run. Bye." (Yeah, I’m meeting with Larry Tanenbaum and Mike Babcock. I’d rather have shingles than continue this conversation. Mauve. I should have kicked him in the groin.)

I don’t tell people I’m colour blind anymore. If you’ve read this, and want to ask me about it, I’ve ordered those anti-colour blind glasses, so I see perfectly fine. Now please don’t bug me.

Spencer "Spenny" Rice is one half of the comedic duo from Kenny vs. Spenny. Follow him on Facebook — www.facebook.com/pages/SPENCER-SPENNY-RICE/216355453412 — or on Twitter (@Spenny) and watch reruns of KVS for years to come.