What makes a great train line? Is it the destinations it can take you to, the sights and sounds of the suburbs you pass through, or the warm and effervescent energy of your fellow commuters? Or, maybe, you just treat a train ride as successful if you manage to avoid getting shanked. We’ve spent some time travelling deep into zone two on each and every line to stack ‘em up and offer the definitive rankings of Melbourne’s train lines.

The unrivalled best

Sandringham line

Stations include: South Yarra, Windsor, North Brighton, Sandringham

Let’s be honest: this isn’t even a contest. The Sandringham line is light years ahead of any other in Melbourne. For one, it’s basically the only line where you don’t feel the need to clutch your possessions to you a little tighter when you get off at the last stop. It drops you a mere two-minute walk from Melbourne’s best suburb (Elwood, I won’t hear anything to the contrary), offers picturesque beach views along the journey and it’s also home to one of Melbourne’s most cherished institutions: Revolver The Astor. Sure, it can be filled with trust fund high school kids from Briiiiiiighton who probably fill their time with rowing or being #fashionbloggers, but you can’t win ‘em all.

RATING: 9/10

The a bit of alright

Werribee/Williamstown line

Stations include: North Melbourne, Footscray, Yarraville, Williamstown Beach

When I broke up with my last girlfriend I had an epiphany when I was on the Williamstown line – that being that I had ridden it every week for a month so I could go to the Melbourne Planetarium in Spotswood. Kinda haunting, but that said, the Planetarium rules. Some of Melbourne’s best gems are found on these lines – from the Sun Theatre in Yarraville and the Substation in Newport to the love letter to dubious taste that is Franco Cozzo’s store in Footscray. Once the two lines segregate for the final few stops you’ve got two choices: head to the serene surroundings of Williamstown beach, or visit Werribee. Jokes about Werribee being home to the, er, “water treatment” plant aside, there are a few decent things out here, like the Open Range Zoo, Shadowfax Winery and Werribee Park Mansion.

RATING: 8/10

Hurstbridge/South Morang lines

Stations include: North Richmond, Westgarth, Heidelberg, Eltham

The Hurstbridge line is home to a suburb called Dennis, which is the stupidest name for a suburb ever. Also, there’s that huge weird wooden dog at Fairfield station. Top marks in my book so far. But these two north-eastern lines are also home to some of Melbourne’s most beloved cultural hubs: the ever-evolving Heide Museum of Modern Art, live music haven the Northcote Social Club, the scenic Merri Creek Trail and of course the pay-as-you-feel eatery Lentil as Anything at the Abbotsford Convent. Just don’t venture too far out into zone two on either line or you might find yourself with an inclination to research negative gearing and vote Liberal.

RATING: 7.5/10

Belgrave/Lilydale/Alamein/Glen Waverley lines

Stations include: Richmond, Camberwell, Box Hill, Ringwood

You know what the great thing about the eastern suburbs is? The further you get out, the more charcoal chicken stores there are. Go far enough and there are several within any given 500-metre radius. There’s also Lido Cinemas with their awe-inspiring rooftop setting, the Camberwell Market and a bunch of places around the Dandenong Ranges where you can hike, enjoy a picnic with friends and pick magic mushrooms (or so I’m told). But I have to be honest: I’m all about the charcoal chicken.

RATING: 7/10

The take it or leave it

Frankston line

Stations include: Toorak, Caulfield, Mentone, Chelsea

The Frankston line is often an easy target, but for the most part, it’s not that bad. It’ll take you to Chapel Street (if that’s your thing), fairly good beaches by Melbourne standards (if they’re your thing) and affords some excellent people-watching. I mean, it’s the only line in Melbourne where you can witness a suited-up business bro from Toorak sitting next to a 60-year-old conspiracy theorist who travels with a pet macaw on his shoulder. It’s only once you get past Parkdale that the whole experience turns sour: the only thing with less vitality than Kananook station is Rupert Murdoch’s libido without medical assistance.

RATING: 5.5/10

The pretty, pretty, prettttttttty awful

Upfield line

Stations include: North Melbourne, Brunswick, Coburg, Fawkner

On any given Saturday night on the Upfield line you’ll find a group of #partygals heading to The Retreat getting white girl wasted. On any given Sunday morning it’ll be filled with arts students who had to wait to get a train home to Brunswick because they spent their cab dollars/last Centrelink payment “getting lit” or whatever is running through the youth lexicon these days. You know the kind: the ones that protest on their social media about Invasion Day but still love playing goon of fortune in the backyard during the Hottest 100. These suburbs might be home to some good kebabs (Afghan Charcoal, anyone?), and some pretty killer parties have been going down at the Coburg Velodrome recently, but uhhh, I’ll opt for an Uber instead thanks.

RATING: 3.5/10

Pakenham/Cranbourne lines

Stations include: South Yarra, Murrumbeena, Clayton, Berwick

Since the demise of Stereosonic, people from the south eastern suburbs have had 80 per cent less reason to travel to the city. Back when we didn’t have 24-hour public transport on weekends, after a night out I once fell asleep on a train to South Yarra and woke up in Pakenham. Jesus Christ. Talk about unwarranted pretension: this is the type of line that when the driver gives an announcement telling everyone that they should listen to American right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones ‘Infowars’ radio show (this legitimately happened once), passengers lap it up. This is bougie heaven. Gross. The only saving grace is that there are some mad Korean joints in Springvale.

RATING: 2/10

The absolute worst

Sunbury line

Stations include: Footscray, Sunshine, St Albans, Watergardens

Back in my day the Sunbury line was called the Watergardens line (which is dead-set the most horrifying shopping centre in Melbourne), but then PTV decided to stretch out this hellish journey out two more stops. After venturing past the culturally buoyant surroundings of Footscray (and seriously, if you've never explored the multicultural food options here, you're doing Melbourne wrong) you’re confronted with an urban wasteland filled with nothing but derelict factory buildings, god-awful graffiti and weed-laden hectares that’ll soon be turned into property estates with those weird artificially-built lakes. Affordable housing is one thing, but these culturally bereft corners of Melbourne are in some desperate need of government funding and development. But hey, if soulless ‘up-and-coming suburbs’ packed with identical McMansions is your thing, then this is the line for you.

RATING: 1/10

Craigieburn line

Stations include: Kensington, Moonee Ponds, Pascoe Vale, Broadmeadows

I’ll put it simply: the Craigieburn line has no redeeming features. I mean, Kensington is OK (if rather dull – and also, why does the line seem to stop midway between Kensington and North Melbourne every damn time?), but otherwise, much like the Sunbury line, the suburbs it passes through are stale and perilous. There’s next to nothing on offer in terms of art or culture (why should outer suburban dwellers miss out?) and worst of all, the carriages smell like a Russian hotel room that has been occupied by Donald Trump.

RATING: 0/10

Tyson Wray is a writer, editor and social media type dude from Melbourne who should not be taken seriously at any time. His opinions do not reflect the views of Time Out Melbourne or its employees. You should still follow him on Twitter @tysonwray, though.

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