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After months of humiliation at the hands of the media and his political rivals, former Leader of the Opposition Bill Shorten is today feeling a wave of relief.

At this point, he can’t tell what brings him more joy.

Is it the glee of watching a climate-change-denying Prime Minister attempt to counter the effects of climate change without mentioning climate change – or is the fact that it’s not him up there.

Either way, the pain of losing the unloseable election has been soothed by the fact that he has narrowly avoided inheriting Australia’s imminent environmental collapse caused by the redefinition of ‘left” and ‘right’ that has seen anyone who cares about the environment labelled ‘snowflakes’ -and anyone whose political views override the findings of 99% of all scientists worldwide by insisting that it is fine to burn fossil fuels into the atmosphere at an accelerating rate for 200 years labelled as ‘common sense’ voters.

“I’m just glad I didn’t catch this hospital pass in the end” says Shorten.

“I guess this is what was always coming, whether I won or lost. I’m just glad I don’t have to be that one to lead this country into the apocalypse”

“Hospital pass” is a term originally used in football codes to describe a pass that subjects the recipient to heavy contact, usually unavoidable, from an opposing player — the expression implying that the recipient of the pass could end up in the hospital – or in this paralell, wearing a RFS jacket and making sure you get photographed hugging someone whose crying.

As the former next Prime Minister of Australia has pointed out, after three different Liberal Prime Ministers ousting one another every time someone went anywhere near energy policy, it was almost assured that the next person in charge was going to be left with the catastrophic effects of climate change caused by our own 1.5% of all global carbon emissions – but also the 20-40% caused by the fossil fuels we sell overseas for almost no royalties from the Liberal-donor multinational companies that dig them up while also paying less tax than a suburban refrigeration mechanic.

“Pheww haha” said Shorten.

“I just don’t have the power of the Pentecostal rock music Jesus on my side. It’s better that Scotty take control here”