- [singsong] I'VE GOTMORE FRIENDS THAN KYLE! I'VE GOTMORE FRIENDS THAN KYLE! - HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVEMORE FRIENDS THAN ME? - 'CAUSE PEOPLE THINKI'M COOL, DUDE. - HOW MANY FRIENDSDO YOU HAVE, KENNY? - 63.- WHAT? HOW THE HELL DO I ONLY HAVE37 FRIENDS? - AW, ARE YOU GUYS DOING THATSTUPID FACEBOOK STUFF AGAIN? - STUPID FACEBOOK STUFF! - WHY ARE YOU GUYS IN HEREWASTING YOUR TIME? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUTPLAYING VIDEO GAMES! - STAN, YOU DON'T GET HOW COOLFACEBOOK HAS BECOME. YOU CAN MESSAGE YOUR FRIENDS, PLAY YAHTZEEWITH YOUR FRIENDS, EVEN STARTYOUR OWN VIRTUAL FARM AND HAVE YOUR FRIENDSVISIT IT! - DUDE, WHO THE HELLWANTS TO PLAY YAHTZEE? - STAN, WE KNOWIT'S HARD TO GET STARTED, BUT WE HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISEFOR YOU. - YEAH, DUDE, WE MADE YOUYOUR OWN FACEBOOK PAGE! - SURPRISE! - NO! I TOLD YOU GUYSI DON'T WANNA BE ON FACEBOOK! - YEAH, BUT NOW YOU CAN BEFRIENDS WITH ALL OF US! - YEAH! - I'M NOT COLLECTING FRIENDSAND I'M NOT BUILDING ANY FARMS. I DON'T WANT TO GETSUCKED INTO THIS! - ALL RIGHT, FINE, DUDE, YOU DON'T HAVE TOADD ANY FRIENDS. YOU CAN JUST BELIKE KIP DRORDY. - WHO?- KIP DRORDY, THE THIRD GRADER. HE'S GOT NO FACEBOOK FRIENDS. AND HE'S HAD A PROFILEFOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS! - AW, GEE THAT'S SO SAD. EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONEFACEBOOK FRIEND. - YOU GUYS ARE RETARDED.I'M PLAYING XBOX. - THERE'S REALLYPEOPLE OUT THERE WITHOUT A FACEBOOK FRIENDIN THE WORLD? THAT'S SO WRONG.

- [sighs] AHHHHHHHH! HAHAHAA! AHHAHAHAHAH! YEAH! MOM! DAD!I MADE A FRIEND TODAY! - KIP!REALLY? - YOU DID?- YEAH! - OH, SON, THAT'S WONDERFUL!- WHAT'S HIS NAME? - KYLE BROFLOVSKI! HE'S A STUDENT AND HIS INTERESTS INCLUDEVIDEO GAMES AND READING! - OH, IS HE A NICE BOY? - OH, HE'S THE BEST, MOM! HE HAS A GREEN HAT,AND HE WANTS THE WORLD TO STOP TALKING ABOUT NINJAS! OOH, I NEED TO TELL HIM WHAT I'M CURRENTLYTHINKING ABOUT! WHAT AM ICURRENTLY THINKING ABOUT?

AND SAW THAT YOU HAVEA FACEBOOK PAGE NOW. - YEAH, DAD,I WAS KIND OF FORCED TO. - WELL, SO, ARE YOU GONNAADD ME AS A FRIEND? - NO, DAD. I REALLY DON'T WANT TOGET MORE INTO IT. - OH, OKAY. SO I'M--I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND,THEN? - DAD, YOU ARE MY FRIEND. - BUT YOU JUST DON'T WANT TOADD ME AS A FRIEND. - DAD, IT'S JUSTA STUPID CLICK OF A BUTTON THAT TAKES TWO SECONDS. - RIGHT, BUT YOU DON'T HAVETHE TWO SECONDS OR-- - I JUST WANT TO DOMY HOMEWORK. - ALL RIGHT, FINE. - JUST TO BE CLEAR,YOU AND I ARE NOT FRIENDS? - ALL RIGHT, DAD!I'LL ADD YOU! - OH, COOL! OKAY. - MOM, DAD!MY BEST FRIEND, KYLE, HE WENT TO THE DENTIST YESTERDAYAND GOT TWO FILLINGS! AND TODAY HE'S WONDERINGIF HURT LOCKER REALLY DESERVED THE OSCAR! - THAT'S GREAT, KIP!- YEAH! - THEY SURE ARE GETTINGTO KNOW EACH OTHER. - IT'S AMAZING. YOU KNOW KIP SPENT THE MORNINGAT THE BOY'S FARM? - HIS FRIEND LIVES ON A FARM? - THINK I'LL ADDSOME MORE PIGS. OOH, MAYBE I SHOULD PUT INANOTHER FIELD OF CORN THERE. THERE WE GO!NICE. [beep] 29?NO, I HAVE 30 FRIENDS-- [beep] HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS-- OH, NO!OH, SHIT! [school bell rings]

- WHAT? - I JUST WANNA KNOWIS THAT ALL I AM? A BIG JOKE? - UM, NO? - YOU DO HAVEA FACEBOOK PAGE, STAN! - AW, GOD DAMN IT. NO, I JUSTGOT THAT BECAUSE KYLE-- - I SAW YOUR PAGE, STAN.RELATIONSHIP STATUS? SINGLE?- RELATIONSHIP STATUS? I DIDN'T EVENPAY ANY ATTENTION TO-- - YOU LIKE BEING SINGLE, STAN? SO THAT YOU CAN USE FACEBOOKTO FIND OTHER GIRLS? ACCORDING TO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE,WE AREN'T FRIENDS. - ALL RIGHT. I'LL ADD YOUAS A FRIEND--I'M SORRY! - AND YOU BETTER CHANGEYOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS TO IN A RELATIONSHIP!- HOW? - BY EDITING YOUR PROFILEUNDER BASIC INFORMATION! - OKAY! I'M SORRY! EDIT PROFILE. BASIC SETTINGS. JESUS CHRIST. - STAN, WHY WON'T YOUBE FRIENDS WITH GRANDMA? - AW, DAD, I JUST REALLY DON'T WANT TO PAY ATTENTIONTO THIS THING-- - GRANDMA IS IN THE HOSPITAL, AND YOU WON'T EVENBE FRIENDS WITH HER! - ALL RIGHT, DAD, I'LL ADDGRANDMA AS A FRIEND. - THAT'S BETTER. OH, AND I SENT YOUA FUNNY PICTURE, AND YOU DIDN'T RESPOND TO IT. - DUDE, FUCK FACEBOOK,SERIOUSLY.

- WELCOME TO CARTMAN'SINCREDIBLE PODCAST! HELLO FELLOW FACEBOOKERS. I AM HERE TO DO ONE THING:GET YOU MORE FRIENDS! LOOKING AROUND FACEBOOK TODAY, WE SEE THAT SINCE ADDINGLOSER KIP DRORDY AS A FRIEND, KYLE BROFLOVSKI'S STOCKIS PLUMMETING. HE HAD 55 FRIENDSJUST TWO DAYS AGO. HE'S DOWN TO JUST 11THIS MORNING. RUN TO YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNTAND DELETE KYLE FROM YOUR FRIENDS LISTBECAUSE HE IS POISON, AND I DON'T SEE HIM MAKINGA COMEBACK ANY TIME SOON! YOU'RE GOING TOWANT TO DUMP KYLE, AND IF AT ALL POSSIBLE,ADD CLYDE DONOVAN. WHY? BIRTHDAY! THAT'S RIGHT, CLYDE HASA BIRTHDAY COMING UP, AND HIS MOM IS TAKING EVERYONETO CASA BONITA. [playing Mexican Hat Dance] IF YOU DON'T HAVE CLYDEAS A FRIEND, YOU'RE GOING TOWANT TO ADD HIM BECAUSE CLYDE'S NUMBERSARE ABOUT TO GO WAY UP. AND NOW WORD ON THE STREET! recording:WORD ON THE STREET! THE RUMORS ARE NOW BECOMINGMORE THAN THAT. JIMMY AND BEBE HAVE AGREED TOSHARE THEIR FRIENDS! THAT'S RIGHT, IT LOOKS LIKEWE ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A MERGER! [electronic voice]MERGER! - SO IF YOU'RE A FRIENDOF JIMMY'S, YOU'RE ABOUT TO LUCK INTOABOUT 90 CHICK FRIENDS. AND AS WE ALL KNOW,CHICK FRIENDS ARE WORTH ALMOST TRIPLEWHAT DUDE FRIENDS ARE. THAT'S ALL THE TIMEI HAVE FOR TODAY. REMEMBER, UPDATE THAT PROFILEAND STEER CLEAR OF KYLE! [knocking on door]

CAN I COME IN? - SURE, DUDE. - [sniffling] - DUDE, WHAT'S THE MATTER? - I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. - WHAT? - I MEAN, I DO, BUT-- EVER SINCE I BECAME FRIENDSWITH THAT KIP DRORDY KID, A BUNCH OF MY OTHER FRIENDSHAVE STARTED IGNORING ME. IT WOULD BE FINE EXCEPT FORMY FARM IS STARTING TO SHRINK. I KNOW THAT I SHOULD JUSTDUMP KIP AS A FRIEND, BUT THAT'S SUCHA TERRIBLE THING TO DO, AND-- I'M SORRY.I'M JUST SO CONFUSED. I REALLY NEED A FRIENDRIGHT NOW. - OKAY, DUDE,I'M HERE FOR YOU. - OKAY, SO THENGET ON FACEBOOK AND FERTILIZE MY CROPS. - NO. - PLEASE! MY FARM HASN'T EXPANDEDIN THREE DAYS! - DUDE, I'VE ALREADY HAD TOBECOME FRIENDS WITH ALL OF WENDY'S FRIENDSAND MY GRANDMA'S FRIENDS! I DO NOT WANNA START DOINGALL THE FARMING STUFF, TOO! I'M NOT GETTINGSUCKED INTO THAT! - YOU DON'T GETSUCKED INTO IT! YOU DON'T GET SUCKED INAT ALL! [sobbing] PLEASE! - FUCK! OKAY.IT SAYS I'M AT YOUR FARM. - OKAY. SO NOW JUST CLICKON THE LITTLE SOIL BUTTON AND THEN MAYBE PUT A SIGN UPTO COMMENT ON MY FARM. OKAY. NOW I CANREAD THE SIGN YOU PUT UP. [beep] - OKAY. IT SAYS YOU AND IARE NOW VERY GOOD FRIENDS. - YEAH, WE'REVERY GOOD FRIENDS! WE'RE VERY GOOD FRIENDS,STAN!

- OH, YEAH, DAD! WE'VE BEEN HAVINGTHE BEST TIME! I SHOWED HIMALL THE PICTURES OF ME IN THAT SILLY HALLOWEEN COSTUMELAST YEAR! - OH? WHAT'D HE SAYABOUT THOSE? - HE LAUGHED OUT LOUD! AND THEN HE WAS ROLLINGON THE FLOOR LAUGHING! - SOUNDS LIKE YOU BOYSHAD A BALL! - MOM, DAD, I'M ALL DONE.CAN I GO HANG OUT WITH KYLE AND TELL HIM ALL ABOUTWHAT I HAD FOR DINNER? - WELL, IT'S A LITTLE LATE,BUT IT IS FRIDAY. - I THINKTHE MORE TIME YOU SPEND WITH YOUR LITTLE FRIENDTHE BETTER. - WOW, THANKS!- HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE! - ATE PORK CHOP FOR DINNER. HAD NICE APPLESAUCE TOO! HA, HA! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! - "I THINK YOU LOOK CUTEIN YOUR BUNNY COSTUME." - WHAT? - "I THINK YOU LOOK CUTEIN YOUR BUNNY COSTUME?" WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? - I HAVE NO IDEA! - THAT'S WHAT SUSAN92 WROTEON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL! YOU GIVE GIRLS PICTURES OF YOUIN BUNNY OUTFITS? FUCK YOU! - SUSAN92 IS A FRIENDOF MY GRANDMA'S AND SHE'S 92 YEARS OLD! - OH, HEY, STAN! I'M YOUR FRIEND BRIANTHROUGH YOUR UNCLE JIMBO? HEY, I COMMENTEDON YOUR STATUS, BUT I HAVEN'T HEARD BACKFROM YOU. COULD YOU GIVE ME A POKESOMETIME SOON? - FINE. - HEY, KID! HOW COME YOU IGNOREDMY FRIEND REQUEST?

- STAN, GRANDMASAID SHE POKED YOU AND YOU HAVEN'TSENT A POKE BACK. - DAD, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TODO THIS. - STAN, POKE YOUR GRANDMA! - NO. NO! SCREW THIS!YOU KNOW WHAT? EDIT PROFILE.UPDATE PROFILE. THERE!DELETE PROFILE. "YOU HAVE REQUESTED TO DELETEFOR FACEBOOK PROFILE. "IF THIS IS AN ERROR,HIT CANCEL. "PROCEED.DELETE YOUR PROFILE. "ARE YOU SURE?YES/NO? YES. "ARE YOU TOTALLY SURE?" YES! [electronic voice] - CAN'T LET ME DO THAT?WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOUON THE GAME GRID. - DELETE PROFILE."ARE YOU TOTALLY SURE? YES/NO"--YES. GOD DAMN IT, YES! DELETE!DELETE! DELETE! HEY, DAD? DAD? OH, DUDE,WHAT THE FUCK? - ALL RIGHT,GET MOVING, PROFILE. - PROFILE?I'M NOT A PROFILE! - IGNORE.- AAH! - TOM DAVIS SAYS HELLOTO LINDA GREEN'S PROFILE! - LINDA GREEN LIKES HOW TOMDAVIS HAS CHANGED HIS STATUS. - EXCUSE ME. MY NAME IS--- IGNORE. - HEY, COULD YOUTELL ME HOW I-- - IGNORE.- AW, GOD DAMN IT. I GOT SUCKED INTO FACEBOOK!

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GETMY FRIEND NUMBERS TO GO UP. I'M DESPERATE. THAT'S WHY I CAME TO YOU. - YOU'RE VERY SMART, KYLE. BUT THE TRUTH IS, AS LONG AS YOU HAVETHAT KIP DRORDY LOSER AS A FACEBOOK FRIEND, PEOPLE VIEW YOUR FRIENDSHIPAS A LIABILITY. YOU GOTTA DUMP HIM. - I CAN'T DO THAT.I'D JUST FEEL TOO BAD. - WELL, KYLE,THEN WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO OUTSIDETHE NORMAL CIRCLES AND TRY TO MAKE FRIENDSWITH PEOPLE WHO'VE NEVER HEARD OF KIP. - I'VE BEEN TRYING! BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE TOTALLY NEW FRIENDSON THE INTERNET. - IT'S NOT AS HARDAS IT SOUNDS, KYLE. HAVE YOU EVER HEARDOF CHAT ROULETTE? - NO. WHAT'S CHAT ROULETTE? - YUP. FINDING NEW FRIENDS ISEASIER TODAY THAN EVER BEFORE. WE JUST SET OURSELVES UPON WEBCAM, AND THEN THE COMPUTERWILL RANDOMLY PUT US WITH ONEOF THE 50,000 PEOPLE ONLINE ALSO DOING CHAT ROULETTE. - HEY, THAT'S KIND OF COOL. - UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHO OUR FIRSTCHAT PARTNER IS. CONNECT. - AW, THAT'S SOME DUDEJACKING OFF! - OH, YEAH,YOU GET THOSE SOMETIMES. WE'LL JUST CLICK TOTHE NEXT PERSON. THERE WE GO.HELLO? - THAT'S JUSTA GUY'S PENIS, TOO! - OKAY.LET'S TRY THIS ONE. - DUDE, I DON'T WANT TO SEEA BUNCH OF GUYS' PENISES! - HOLD ON, KYLE! THIS IS SERIOUSLYAN AMAZING GATHERING PLACE WHERE PEOPLEFROM ALL OVER THE WORLD CAN SHARE THEIR THOUGHTSAND IDEAS! OKAY. THAT'S A DUDEJACKING OFF, BUT... OKAY, DUDE JACKING OFF. PENIS, PENIS... PENIS, PENIS, PENIS. AH, HERE'S A GUY. HEY, DUDE, HOW'S IT GOIN? - HEY.- THIS IS MY FRIEND KYLE. HE'S LOOKINGFOR SOME NEW FRIENDS. - OH, YEAH? - OH, HE'S TAKING OUTHIS PENIS. OKAY. NEXT GUY.- DUDE, SCREW THIS. I DON'T WANT TO SEEANYMORE! - KYLE, THIS IS THE WAYTHE WORLD WORKS! IF YOU WANNA FINDSOME QUALITY FRIENDS, YOU CAN WADE THROUGHALL THE DICKS FIRST!

COULD YOU PLEASE TELL MEWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? - NO, YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BEMY FRIEND? - NO, I SERIOUSLYDON'T WANT ANY MORE FRIENDS. - IGNORE. SO ANYWAY, I REALLY LIKE TAKINGLONG WALKS IN THE SUMMER, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE... - OKAY, OKAY.I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND. - CONFIRM. OOH, TOM DAVIS IS THRILLEDTO HAVE BECOME POWERFUL BY ADDING A NEW FRIEND! HERE ARE SOME PICTURESOF MY DOG. AND HERE HE ISIN SOME SILLY OUTFITS. CAN YOU COMMENT ON THESE? - UGH. - MOVE IT, PROFILE! - UH-OH.- WHY "UH-OH"? - THEY'RE TAKING HIMTO THE GAMING ARENA. - LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA BEDOWN A FRIEND. [electric sizzle] - YOU ARE ABOUTTO FACE EACH OTHER IN COMBAT! YOU WILL PLAY THE GAMEFOR THE AMUSEMENT OF THE USERS. LET THE GAME COMMENCE! - YAHTZEE? - ONE ROUND ONLY!BEGIN! [dice clattering] - UH, I'M GOING TOCOUNT FIVES, MY FIVE BOX. - CAN'T WE PLAY ON SPEEDER BIKESOR SOMETHING? [sizzle]- PLAY, PROFILE! - YAHTZEE. - [gasps] AAH!

[coughs]THAT'S A DUDE JACKING OFF. - THAT'S IT, CARTMAN.I'M OUT OF HERE! CHAT ROULETTE IS NO WAY FOR METO FIND NEW FRIENDS! - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,WAIT, WAIT, KYLE! HERE'S A NICELITTLE JEWISH KID! - HEY. HI THERE!- HELLO. - HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.MY FRIEND KYLE IS A JEW, TOO! - OH. THAT'S COOL.I WAS STARTING TO THINK THIS WAS NOTHINGBUT DUDES JACKING OFF. - HEY, SO DO YOU WANNA BEFACEBOOK FRIENDS? - WELL, SURE, IF YOU'LL COMEAND VISIT MY FARM. - HECK, YEAH,I'LL VISIT YOUR FARM. YOU SHOULD CHECK MINE OUT TOO! - HONEY, WHERE'S KIP? I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL DAY. - NO, HE'S BEEN OUT SPENDINGTHE WHOLE DAY WITH HIS BEST FRIEND KYLE. I THINKTHEY'RE AT THE MOVIES NOW. [laughing] - AH! HA HA HAAA! AHGHHGHGH! WHOAAA!HA HA AHAAAAA! - TROUBLEMAKER! YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SURVIVETHE GAME OF YAHTZEE! YOU HAVE MADE THINGSCOMPLICATED! - I'VE MADE THEM COMPLICATED?I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE! - THAT'S NOTWHAT YOUR PROFILE SAID. - MY PROFILE? GOD DAMN IT,MY FACEBOOK PROFILE HAS TAKEN ONA LIFE OF ITS OWN! WHERE IS IT? - YOUR PROFILEIS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL IN ALL OF FACEBOOK. YOU CANNOT STOP IT NOW. - OH, YEAH?I CAN TRY. - AFTER HIM!

- OKAY, I FED THE PIGS. NOW I DEFINITELYSHOULD WATER SOME FIELDS. OH, WOW, COOL! THAT JEWISH KIDPUT UP A SIGN ON MY FARM! "HEY, KYLE.REALLY LIKE YOUR FARM." OH, AWESOME![electronic signal] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?STAN? - YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, KYLE! - WHAT? - WHAT'S THE ONE THINGI TOLD YOU? THAT I DIDN'T WANT TOGET SUCKED INTO FACEBOOK! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! - DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKEI'M DOING? I FOUND YOUR FARM ON FACEBOOK SO YOU CAN HELP MEDEAL WITH THIS BULLSHIT! YOU GOTTA GO CHECKMY PROFILE STATUS. - PROFILE STATUS? - JUST BRING UPMY FACEBOOK PAGE AND SEE WHAT IT SAYSMY STATUS IS! - WELL, STAN I HAVE TO HARVESTMY CROPS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. - DUDE, FUCK YOUR CROPS! - DUDE! DUDE, OKAY! STOP! I'M SORRY! IT SAYS THAT YOU ARECURRENTLY HOSTING AN ONLINE CHAT PARTYFOR ALL YOUR FRIENDS. - WHERE?- CAFEWORLD. - SON OF A BITCH. - AN ONLINE CHAT PARTYFOR ALL HIS FRIENDS? DUDE,I SHOULD GET OVER THERE! [overlapping chatter] - JESUS CHRIST. - RANDY MARSHIS AT WORK RIGHT NOW. WORK IS BORING! RANDY MARSHIS AT WORK RIGHT NOW. WORK IS BORING! - BUTTERS STOTCH IS ENJOYINGSTAN'S CHAT PARTY! - HERBERT GARRISONLIKES BUTTER'S COMMENT! - GRANDMA MARSH WOULD LIKE TO BEFRIENDS WITH KEVIN DONOHUE. - KEVIN DONAHUE ACCEPTSGRANDMA MARSH'S FRIENDSHIP! - HAS ANYBODY SEENMY STUPID PROFILE? - SUSAN92 HAS PICTURESOF STAN IN A BUNNY COSTUME! - GARY JOHNSON THINKSTHE PICTURES ARE FANTASTIC! - WOW, THERE'S A LOTOF PROFILES HERE! KYLE BROFLOVSKI IS AMAZED STAN HAS SO MANY FACEBOOKFRIENDS! - HEY, KYLE BROFLOVSKIIS AMAZED ISAYAH IS ALSO A FACEBOOK FRIENDOF STAN'S! - ISAYAH ZORDON IS DELETING KYLEBROFLOVSKI AS A FRIEND. - WHAT? WHY? - USER SAW YOUR ARE FRIENDSWITH KIP DRORDY, WHO ONLY HAS ONE FRIEND. KYLE BROFLOVSKIIS BAD FRIEND STOCK. - AW, NO, I'M NOT REALLYFRIENDS WITH HIM. - IGNORE.- UGH, THAT DOES IT! - ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH! EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! WHERE IS PROFILE STAN MARSH? - RIGHT HERE. - UH-OH.

"IT WAS A GREAT RIDE,BUT I MUST SAY GOOD-BYE. "THIS IS THE HARDEST THINGI'VE EVER HAD TO DO, BUT ENDING A FRIENDSHIPIS NEVER EASY." - HA HA AHAAA.