Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

Me about to walk a dog (not a joke)

As everyone knows, I’m like a total no muss, no fuss, jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers and no makeup girl. Like, the kind of extremely chill girl who can hang with the guys and make fart jokes but never actually farts. I’m like, super down-to-earth and real but also not real. I’m a fantasy. Everyone knows that about me.

Even though I’m totally low maintenance and into letting my natural beauty shine, sometimes I like to wear makeup. I’m not talking about my (nearly) everyday makeup routine of tinted moisturizer, mascara, eyebrow gel, concealer and a little eyeliner — I’m talking about real makeup, the kind that takes longer than five minutes to apply. I don’t do my makeup often, but when I do it’s actually kind of…fun?

When I first started wearing makeup, I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I learned how to apply it from my sister, who learned from a college friend (we were raised in the woods by a woman who thought chapstick qualified as makeup), and all I really picked up from her was that I should put as much eyeshadow as possible on my face at all times. All through high school and college, I caked all sorts of unflattering dark shades and harsh metallics all over my face with absolutely no plan other than to cover up my eyelids completely, then coat my lashes in several layers of mascara. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t look great. I was so focused on painting my eyes that I never even thought about wearing any makeup on the rest of my face, so I ended up resembling one of those dogs that looks like it’s permanently wearing eyeliner.

After college, I swore off eyeshadow forever and instead started decorating my eyes with bright blue eyeliner (gulp). I’d dab some concealer under my eyes, swipe on some mascara and call it a day. A few years ago, however, I discovered there’s more to makeup than just bedazzling your eyes. Like, did you know there’s makeup for your skin? And your eyebrows? When my friend Gregory took me to a MAC store to get all made up, it was an eye opening experience, and not just because the artist made my eyes look so bright and open! I left the store that day with bronzer, foundation and something I hadn’t touched in about a decade: an eyeshadow palate.

Now, I do a full face of makeup every once in a while, usually for the monthly comedy show I host. (If you’re in New York, come! It’s fun, I promise!) I certainly don’t feel the need to get all dolled up to do stand-up (quite the opposite, actually) but performing is a good excuse to put my face on, as they say. Here’s how I did my makeup for last night’s show.

Do I look funny?

Most of the makeup I’m wearing is MAC. I started with tinted moisturizer (I didn’t feel like applying actual foundation, which gives only slightly more coverage once you thin it out with primer, which I do), blush, bronzer, concealer, eyeliner, eyeshadow primer, eyeshadow, mascara, eyebrow gel and lipstick. It’s a lot, but it only took me about 15 minutes to apply. It used to take longer, but I’ve been practicing lol. As you can see, this eyeshadow look is a far cry from the black and silver smokey eye I used to spend an hour trying to create in high school. It’s subtle and natural and does what makeup should always do: it makes me look like myself but better.

Before I did my makeup (I’m wearing eyeliner, mascara and eyebrow gel but you get it)

Buying real makeup is one thing — knowing how to put it on is a whole other. If Greg hadn’t taken me to the MAC store to have a professional pick out the right shades and show me how to apply it, I’d end up looking like a child left unsupervised with magic markers. So if you want to buy real makeup, go to a pro. And if you don’t, that’s totally fine too!

To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised I like wearing a full face of makeup. Back when I was in high school, avidly reading Glamour and Cosmo on the elliptical, I thought foundation seemed stupid. I didn’t understand why anyone would want to paint a new face on their face. Then I got…older and well…some days, my face could use another face on top of it. I can’t imagine full makeup ever being an everyday look for me. I’m never going to be one of those women who shows up at the gym wearing makeup and a matching spandex outfit — I’m always going to be one of those women who shows up at the gym in no makeup and a gigantic stained t-shirt. But outside of the gym? OK fine, I’ll pull it together sometimes.

I think the reason I like doing my makeup so much is that it makes me feel like a real adult. I think about the girl I used to be — leaning over her bathroom counter while applying sparkly shadows, trying her best to look good while making herself look worse — and realize I’m now a woman, the kind who’s comfortable with her face and knows how to flatter it. So comfortable, in fact, that she only does her makeup for special occasions because honestly, who has the time and energy? Not me — I’m a grown ass woman who knows how to do grown ass woman things and I. am. exhausted. Plus, I’ve grown to like my bare lids! They’re flesh-colored and boring as hell, but they get the job done.

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares about my makeup routine. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, makeup or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!