There seems to be a zillion dudes around the world with Nice Guy Syndrome, and it’s afflicting new victims every day. Doctors and scientists don’t know if it’s contagious yet, but they’re doing relentless research as we speak. Hopefully they’ll make a medical breakthrough and find a cure soon.

I see tons of dudes with Nice Guy Syndrome, whether they’re bitching and moaning on social media or maybe even creeping into my own social circle. This disease is like a mixture of Ebola and AIDS, but 27,000 times worse. Let’s just call it EbolAIDS.

Nice Guy Syndrome is when a lame-ass dude has a victim complex about why he can’t get laid, and it’s hilarious. Instead of looking inward, they blame the fact that they can’t get a date on the fact that they’re apparently TOO nice. Look out for the symptoms and make sure you’re not around anyone who’s suffering from this dangerous illness.

Here are some of the things guys with Nice Guy Syndrome say:

“Ugh! Why do girls only date jerks?”

“Girls don’t actually want a nice guy.”

“This is why I stopped dating.”

“500 Days Of Summer is an amazing movie.”

“Hi, I’m Ed Sheeran.”

These dudes are the worst human beings on earth next to vegans, hemophiliacs, and hemophiliac vegans. They don’t wanna consider that maybe they’re not the perfect knight in shining armor that they see themselves to be.

They refuse to consider the tiniest possibility that maybe they’re just ugly, dumb, boring, and/or obnoxious (all words that perfectly describe me). They honestly believe that their poon problems exist simply because they’re just too perfect.

And that’s the big M. Night Shyamalan twist here — the “nice guys” are actually the BIGGEST douchebags. Scary! Also, Bruce Willis is still a ghost. I was gonna put a joke about Split here as well, but that movie is too dope/new for me to make a joke that spoils the ending. Maybe next year.

These dudes think that just because they listen to Jason Mraz playlists and do their best to avoid saying “bitch” in public, they’re entitled to giving a girl 11 seconds of disappointing sex. That’s not REAL nice. REAL nice is saving Gotham. REAL nice is defeating the Joker. REAL nice is seeing your parents gunned down in an alley and using that anger to fight for justice. And yes, my point is that Batman is one of the real nice guys.

Nice guys also love to complain about the friend zone. They’ll cry into their pillow about how they were polite to a girl for a few weeks and that girl had the nerve to not immediately suck his dick in a Waffle House bathroom to thank him for his politeness. It’d be sad if it wasn’t so entertaining. And yes, I hate to break it to you, but the friend zone doesn’t exist. And if you believe that it does, you may have Nice Guy Syndrome.

If this sounds like it may be you, go to a medical professional and get checked out immediately..