THE Labour Party conference is to be repeated until more than a handful of people pay attention.

Following its conference in Manchester this week which was largely ignored in favour of real news, the event will happen again next week in Bournemouth and the following week in Liverpool.

Strategic adviser David Axelrod said: Ed Miliband is like a tropical fish – in his own carefully-curated environment hes magnificent, but out of it he just flaps around piteously.

We will carry on, week by week, playing smaller and smaller venues like a reformed Britpop band.

Eventually Ed will be screaming backing families in the empty back room of a Maidenhead pub while a barmaid passive-aggressively stacks chairs onto tables.”