To whom it may concern:

I have been a customer of Bank of America since October 2006. In that time I have maintained, in good faith, a checking account, a savings account, an investment account and two credit card accounts.

This letter is to inform you that I am displeased with the service I’ve received from BOA and will no longer be doing business with you.

It has become evident to me that in light of BOA’s irresponsible and abusive overdraft and credit card policies and their associated fees which are in direct opposition to your customer’s wishes and in light of your dishonesty regarding your concern for your customers’ welfare and in light of the moral hazard that you’ve accepted in receiving constitutionally illegal appropriations from the federal government to the tune of some $150 billion and in light of your breach of our good faith contract to provide me the understood banking services in a reasonable and professional manner, I find BOA to be a disreputable organization and have chosen to no longer do business with you.

As of today, I have an outstanding negative balance in my checking account of $440 as well as two outstanding balances on my credit cards totaling approximately $7,800.

I consider my debt to BOA to be paid in full by BOA for the following reason: from information I could find on the Internet BOA has a U.S. consumer base of some $29 million. I calculated my share of the bailout funds allocated to BOA then to be approximately $5200.

This is money I’ve already given to BOA from my federal tax allowances. Now this is just a loan understand. BOA is responsible for paying this money back in full and with interest, to me. Since the federal government made this loan without the constitutional authority to do so and with my money I would like to inform BOA of my terms of agreement which are in addition to whatever TOA you might already have with the feds.

The loan origination fee is $440.

I will start you out with an introductory rate of 10% APR. I reserve the right, however, to change this rate at any time and without notification. Like right now. It just went up to 15%. See how that works? Now as you make repayments to the federal government I will calculate my share of those repayments and apply my entire share to your calculated accrued interest for the year first before I apply any of it to the principle. BTW, your APR just increased to 20%. This is in the best interest of BOA so that if you have other loan payments to make, you won’t be overburdened by unmanageable principle payments to me. Of course the juice will continue to run on your principle.

Furthermore, since you’ve been shown to be financially insolvent and on the verge of bankruptcy requiring a bailout from your customers, I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut off your line of credit from me at $5200 but of course I’ll continue to calculate the accrued interest and expect you to pay it in full. In the case that the federal government decides to loan you additional bailout funds even though your credit with me has been canceled, you will then exceed your available credit limit with me and I will assess BOA an “over the credit limit” fee in the amount of $1000. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this fee as it is my lending policy. I should also inform you that there is a penalty for early repayment of $1000.

So to formalize our contract: you currently owe me $5200 at an APR of 40% (another increase) for the fiscal year 2009. This calculates to an annual interest payment of $2080. Any outstanding principle remaining after fiscal year 2009, along with over the limit fees, will accrue interest at an APR of your current APR + 10%.

If you pay your loan off in full in 2009 at the current annual interest rate of 50% (did it again) then you’ll owe me a total of: $7800 which along with my loan origination fee settles your debt with me and hence my debt with you, assuming you don’t exceed your available credit limit. In this case please post a check for $1000 to the last known address you have for me.

Since the feds loaned you my money without discussing it with me, this TOA is implicitly accepted by you and must be honored.

I realize that some of my terms might seem excessive but trust me: it’s in your best interest. I get nothing out of this.

If you have any questions regarding your loan or the TOA, who gives a s__t? But if you do feel the need to speak with an impersonal, automated, touch-tone, menu-driven customer service system followed by an impersonal, auto-programmed, mono-tone, policy-driven, lobotomized, carbon based unit, then dial: 800-432-1000 and enjoy.

With best regards, Don Cooper

The Best of Don Cooper