I have to go out there’s no other thing to do. I have been sitting in this concrete and brick cell since the 4th of June slowly going mad as the walls seem to close in on me everyday. Having said that the weather here has been horrible, in fact on Wednesday we had that much rain come down in a short space of time that my bathroom was flooded. I stood in 1 inch of water whilst ringing the councils repair service. He came out today and immediately saw a crack outside in the wall. No idea when they will repair it but I hope while I’m waiting I don’t have another downpour like we had on Wednesday.

Still like I say I have been going mad sat inside watching the world go by. I see my CBT Therapist on Thursday, the 16th. In between I have to go to the job centre then physio on Thursday for my hip and back, other medical conditions that are blighting my health right now. I have been feeling ok, the tablets knock me out at night meaning I get some sleep. Mind you I have some weird dreams. I say weird but as soon as I wake they quickly get shrouded in fog making it difficult to know what I have been dreaming about. My mind tells me they where weird that’s how I know. Still no more sweats during the night so that is a good thing. During the day I quickly get tired when I do things, again I think it’s because of the tablets. Small prices to pay for a “normal” mind eh? 1 of the other things people said about the Mirtazapine was that they put on weight. Well I am eating a bit more but I’m certainly not putting on weight. Mind you eating toast twice a day won’t do much to me will it?

I have been keeping up with my other tablets too, when I remember. I think I forgot to take them once since last time I wrote about it. It’s a wonder I don’t rattle with the tablets I take, still the doc said there’s people out there who take more than the 7 tablets I take.

No, tomorrow I will go out I have made up my mind. I don’t know where yet, maybe the small park nearby, maybe down to the river. Both walks mean walking along the dreaded roads but if I go early enough I should be ok. I can then sit and try to relax, maybe write. I will take my notebook with me just in case. There’s another place I have been wanting to go to for weeks now but it’s in the next town. Still it’s not far but I have to go along 3 roads for about 300 metres each then a supermarket car park. The rest of the walk to this park is along the canal, something which I can handle providing there’s no one around. Once I get to this park I should be ok unless there’s something going on or its nice and parents take their kids. There’s plenty of great wildlife, birds and wooded areas in the park and I just wanted to get there, walk to a quiet secluded spot then sit and relax alone. If I can muster up the courage tomorrow I think I will go there early in the morning. I intend to beat this demon inside my mind, it’s just that at the moment it’s running my life, but with the help of my therapist I hope I can defeat it.