PITTSBURGH (93-7 The Fan) – It isn’t a matter of if, but a matter of when.

The Pittsburgh Penguins are going to win the Stanley Cup in the next few days.

Might be tomorrow night, might have to take it to Game 6 or Game 7, but the Penguins are going to win the Stanley Cup.

It’s done.

It’s over.

It’s a lock.

That big chalice belongs to the Steel City.

And when the Penguins win that Stanley Cup — hopefully it comes in Game 5 on Thursday night — footage from what should be a wild celebration in the immediate aftermath will be beamed into homes far and wide.

It will show us in all our wonderful and unabashed Yinzerness. It will have people, old and young alike, yelling and screaming and waving yellow dishtowels.

It will have someone banging pots and pans in an old Tom Barrasso or Joe Mullen sweater while their friend screams noisily into the air “Go Pens” and then follows it up with something you can’t understand.

It will show someone, for no apparent reason, wearing a goalie mask and a Steelers jersey.

The footage will have people — some half bent on alcohol — mugging for the camera or doing things in a moment of uninhibited merriment that they have never done before and maybe won’t do again.

I don’t normally tell others how to behave, but here’s a request: Don’t be a jagoff.

Really, I mean that in the nicest way possible: Don’t be a jagoff.

We are a proud town here in Pittsburgh, one that should be accustomed to winning by now. We have won a lot, even as it has been a long, long time since the reality of a championship-clinching victory could come right here where three rivers come together.

In addition to that, we really don’t have a history — when our teams are victorious to the highest degree — of celebrating like a bunch of louts or ruffians, of causing damage or being knuckleheads when joyfulness should be the only order of the day.

So, I implore you, don’t start now.

If your friend tells you he wants to climb up a telephone pole in his shameless gaiety, do what any good Pittsburgher would do. Tell him he’s a jagoff and appeal to him to find a better way to party.

If you have a reveler who is contemplating throwing a bottle, lighting something on fire, tipping something over, destroying some property (that isn’t theirs) or participating in some other form of general mischief-maker behavior, step in and, again, tell them to not be a jagoff.

That isn’t who we are.

It’s not what we’re about.

It’s not how we want the world to see us proud Pittsburghers.

And on top of that, the men and women charged with the duty of keeping our streets — and by extension you and I — safe, just don’t need the hassle. They deserve better as they serve and protect each day, so the least you can do is go nuts and rejoice, but at the same time respect this beautiful place that we all love so much.

Or, you can just think of it this way …

Certainly we were all teenagers once, at that age where we walked a fine line between independence and having the freedom to make a choice that overstepped the bounds of behaving properly.

And when you were on your way out for the night, it could have been a parent, a grandparent, a neighbor or some other adult who just simply reminded you, in words of impeccable Pittsburgh wisdom: “Have fun but don’t be a jagoff.”

When — not if — the Penguins win this Stanley Cup, those seem like wonderful words to live by.

There’s no denying we as Pittsburghers are among the proudest people on the planet to be from where we are from. So don’t do anything to embarrass this spectacular and stunning place that we all adore so much.

Or, simply, don’t be a jagoff.

Colin Dunlap is a featured columnist at CBSPittsburgh.com. He can also be heard weekdays from 5:40 a.m. to 10 a.m. on Sports Radio 93-7 “The Fan.” You can e-mail him at colin.dunlap@cbsradio.com. Check out his bio here.

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