Siblings With Grudges

Q. Any suggestions for how to approach a sibling with a grudge who has cut off all contact, moved and told his children not to share his location or phone number? Or how to approach those children about securing the basic info to be able to reach out? (They are in contact). — Cheryl

Q. Cheryl, I have a similar situation, though my sister did not move, she does not speak to me or my husband because of some silly argument she had with my husband (fiancé at the time). She is the queen of grudge holding. It has been three years. We were married two years ago and did not invite her to the wedding because she was not speaking to us, then we heard she was upset because she was not invited. My parents hate that it has split our family in two (one of my other four sisters does things with her and my parents on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. She went to dinner and a movie with her on Thanksgiving). I sent her an email last year saying that she was welcome at our house and that it would mean a lot to our parents, and her reply was “No thanks.” It is unbelievable to me that she holds on to every single thing and will not hesitate to throw it in our faces. I’m tired of trying to reach out to her and getting my hand bit off. She needs serious psychological help, but how do you make someone? You can’t. Many years ago it was one of my other sisters that she did not speak to for two years, because she asked her to vacuum under the dining room table after a holiday dinner. — Melissa

Q: Similar situation for me: I have a sister (seven years younger) who I have not seen in five years though we live a few miles from each other. Apparently this “conflict” is based on casual comments here and there over the years, and small incidents I don’t even remember (from when we were children?). Also that I divorced about that time (though she had discussed divorcing her husband with me a few years before). She converted to Catholicism some time back and has become extremely judgmental, though she does enjoy the rules and history of her religion and I do not begrudge her for that. I have tried various things: apology (though I’m not sure for what); a surprise visit (she left the room); gifts; invitations; suggesting to meet at a neutral location; a few rather direct phone messages from me (she never picks up); talking with her husband (he does not understand the separation either but is afraid to cross her). Does one just give up on an only sister? Parents are gone, and we have one brother who doesn’t understand why she is like this either.

— CWinters

Q. My dad and mom were separated before I was born in the 1950s. I was raised an only child. Dad remarried two years after the divorce. Dad and stepmom moved out of state when I was 2 and had almost no contact with me growing up. They have three kids together. I got married in the mid-1970s. When we had our first child, my stepmom contacted us and asked for an opportunity to reconnect. I accepted despite negative feelings toward my dad. I reconnected and all went fairly well for about 30 years. Then, my half sibs and I decided to get together for my stepmom’s 75th birthday. This required me to incur expense and travel out of state. I asked to participate in the planning. One half brother is an event planner in the city we were to meet. He said that he wanted to take over the planning, but that we would all be involved. He made plans, discussed them with my stepmom, and got her all excited. I knew the event was not something that I wanted to do and tried to be diplomatic about it. My other half brother just said, " No.” The event did not go as my stepbrother had planned. My stepmom admitted to all she was disappointed and almost didn’t come to the event. Both my event planner half brother and my half sister have become estranged from me and somewhat from my other half brother. My dad and stepmom refuse to get involved. How do we reconnect? Wait till a funeral? I don’t want to have regrets even if the future relationship is not as friendly. — 3Rs

Q. Forty years ago, my parents divorced, and our brother became estranged in many ways from his two sisters ... he did not feel that we treated our mother the way she deserved to be treated .. .he has always had her on a pedestal. Fast forward to now, and Mom is 94, and another generation has been affected by the shunning behavior of my brother ... he has cut me off (I am the younger sister) so many times that I have lost track ... our kids (the cousins) do not really get along with one another, and it is all really sad. At one time, he was angry at me over politics, when I was a Republican, but I am back to being a Democrat. Now he maligns me for eating meat, but I think that no matter what, he would shun me. I have tried writing to my brother, but it never works out ... he sends angry emails in purple ink, with equally purple prose. He and I were close as children, so our long rift has filled me with regret.

— Catherine