The Adventures of Captain Neptune and Squid Cadet. Issue #1



Jesus Christ. Today was going to be a long day. Even before I saw the ridiculous line outside my shop of over weight men in child costumes and skinny nerds inhaling their puffers, I knew I would need a joint to start my day. Covering my face with the morning news paper, I walked by the virgin line up and headed behind the store. Nothing was better then the first of many joints early in the morning. Wake and bake, they'd call it. As I walked towards the door with the keys in my hand, I felt the whole line up staring at me as if they were undressing me with their eyes.

"About fucking time." One man said.

I had never been so repulsed by love handles until that very moment. I knew right away that when i put that key through the keyhole, i would be walking into a point of no return.

It was like a stampede. As if someone had shot celery out of a shot gun and twenty fat antelope had reacted.

"Where's Captain Neptune?" One of the antelope said.

It was like the Twilight Zone when i said... "They haven't arrived yet."

They all stared at me in disbelief. I believe one even started crying. It was great. I knew this moment was going to come. Someone had told all these losers that the first issue of the popular Captain Neptune and Squid Cadet would be at the Comic Zone this morning. I mean it's not like it was a lie. I had gotten all the copies last night, and they were in the back...but i wanted to have a little fun.

"This is a catastrophe of biblical proportions." One nerd said to me as i felt the spit from his retainers in my eyes.

"Look, I haven't gotten them yet. I should be getting them tomorrow. But after tomorrow they won't be just up on the shelves for your little boring selves to worship. Oh no, i will be selling ONE copy every morning, and who ever gets here first will receive it."

It was like music to my ears listening to all of them complaining as they slowly walked out of my shop.

What I failed to mention was that the copies had come with a special edition version which I was going to keep and sell a la black market. 500 dollars...that's right.

It was a matter of time before Reggie came and we smoked pot all day in the back watching bootleg movies and listening to Wu-Tang. This was my life and how I got to where I am now will always be a mystery. I guess it wasn't that bad, I mean I had my own place with Reggie and we did what ever we wanted whenever we wanted. I mean until I met Isabel, who made me want more in life before we broke up. But after the break up I knew that this would be how I died. With twenty something of the same ugly customers worshiping what I sold. Well almost all of them were ugly. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not gay, it was just that there was a girl in that group...that didn't seem so eager to leave?

"Didn't you get the memo?"

When she looked at me, I could have sworn time had stopped for a split second.

"Yeah, I was just looking around for something else I guess." She said.

"You don't really look like the type that'd be interested in this shit." I said as charming as possible.

"Why cause I'm a girl?." She smurked.

"No because your a very hot girl, I'm just not used to seeing such clear skin in this shop, it's quite overwhelming."

It was great making another girl laugh instead of Isabel.

"Well your right." She said. "I was looking for that new comic book for my little brother. It's his birthday tomorrow."

If there was a more perfect time to get a date with an angel, I had yet to see it. Taking her to the back and showing her the book that a lot worshiped more then the bible was one of the coolest feelings ever. I don't even remember the last time I got a girls number, let alone asked a girl out. Maybe this was the turning point in my life. Maybe she was my new Isabel...which sounded fucked, but Isabel was great. It seemed Emily would be greater though and I wasn't going to hesitate to find out.

As an angel left my store, a demon came in. Quentin Goldman. If there ever was a devil, Quentin would have been his bitch. His braces covered his fangs and his acne would get more red the angrier he got. He would slit any nerd's throat to get the comic book he wanted. Okay, maybe I was overreacting...but the dude had problems.

"They never arrived Quentin." I sad right away.

Observing his surroundings like he owned the place, he said. "Oh Charles, I thought you knew me by now."

His confidence was not surprising...yet he could smell my bluff a mile away.

"Not only did I see that specimen of a woman walk out with it...but I was doing my usual spying outside the shop last night and witnessed the box come in, so don't play me like a fool. Fortunately I did not come for Issue #1 alone."

I knew what the little devil wanted before he even asked.

"You know exactly what I want Charles, I don't have to ask."

He wanted the special edition with Princess Tara showing her breasts. If any of those nerds found out about Princess Tara's nude chest the store would have been a massacre.

"If you don't want me to tell the rest of the jack offs about your little special edition, I would sell it to me fair and square...right now. And believe me when I say I have the money."

Softly I said; "one...thousand...dollars"

The acne got more red then I had ever seen before.

"That's an outrage and you know it. You're ripping me off."

I stared in his evil little eyes through his thick goggle like glasses and whispered; "one...thousand...dollars."

He looked at me in rage, but it slowly faded into a sadistic smile.

"You haven't heard the last of me comic book man, I will get what i desire."

And just like that he left my store, taking his dark cloud with him.

As a demon left my store, a close friend walked in, and with him a bag of happiness. Reggie had made his famous goodies.

"Brownies anyone?."

After every bite, everything mattered less. As the hours went by, the further away from reality i had gotten. Yet all I could think about was my date with Isabel... I mean Emily. This time I wasn't going to screw up. This time I was going to be the best I can be. I would not make the same mistake as I did with Isabel. Before I knew it, the sun had gone to sleep and the moon had come out. Reggie was so high he walked into the door on his way out. His eyes were as red as Liza Minelli's ass. It was great. A great way to close the shop.

I was always last to leave the store, and by the time i closed up Reggie would be home passed out on the sofa, with Grey's Anatomy on. Outside was pitch black except a single pole light infront of the store. I had the funny feeling someone was watching me. As soon as I turned around, it was staring at me.

"Captain Neptune?"

I couldn't believe my baked eyes. He talked to me.

"Give me the special edition, and no one will get hurt."

As I stared at him, I thought to myself.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

It was Quentin Goldman...dressed as the masked hero himself.

"Quentin you are officially the weirdest kid I've ever seen."

"Give me the book, and i'll let your lady friend go." He said.

Behind him was a car and when he opened the door and pulled out Emily tied up and taped to the mouth I couldn't think. Before I knew it I was ontop of the little nerd and beating him senseless.

"Stop, stop, Charlie...it hurts, I'm sorry!" He screamed.

I didn't stop.

"Stop, stop!"

Why did I stop? Because the second time, it wasnt him screaming "stop". It was Isabel... I mean Emily? Free from her binds and nots, and taped mouth. Maybe I was tripping out. "Stop your hurting him."

I got off the twirp and yelled."What the fuck is going on?"

With a bloody nose, and swollen eye, Quentin explained that he had paid his older sister to pretend that she wanted to get a copy of Captain Neptune for her brother. Because she was so attractive he knew that I couldn't resist, and would take her to the back and get her a free copy. There she witnessed the special edition and gave him the headsup that I defenitly had it, and tried to make me give it up by pretending to kidnap her. I banned him from the store ofcoarse, and obviously didn't get a date with Emily...if that was even her real name.

I guess the day sucked. The worse part was, it made me realize how much I missed Isabel...and that she was the only one for me.

Isabel, what I'd do for you. If it had been you Quentin had "kidnapped"...I might have been in jail right now. I guess she was my Captain Neptune .......in totally none gay kind of way.



-The Fanatic-







