12,000 hours in paint

hulking black man armed with cybernetic knuckle enhancements with the purpose of waging tribal warfare on hostile forces

“I regret to inform you that the individuals in close proximity to my position will now be subjected to a high-speed air-to-ground attack which is comparable in speed and force to a piece of cosmic debris in high-speed re-entry to earth’s atmosphere.”

robotically enhanced japanese man with combat mastery over melee and thrown weaponry

“My combat prowess has now embodied the unstoppable power of a mythical creature capable of flight and fire-breathing.”

the individual wielding a high caliber weapon who inhales carcinogenic fumes on a daily basis

“The time of day has now reached its mid-point.”

armoured egyptian female with propulsion technology and a long-range ballistic warhead launching system

“Equity is currently being dispensed from my advantageous position above the battlefield.”

angsty and otherwise displeased shapeshifting hispanic individual

“I am afraid that I must now declare the immediate area surrounding my person as extremely dangerous resulting most likely in death to any persons caught unawares.”

the ruthless cybernetically enhanced old-age pensioner who is also known as the seventy-sixth man serving in the armed forces of an unknown nation

“Attention nearby hostile personnel, my enhanced visual sensors attributed to me by my cybernetic augmentations have resulted in you being detected and placed in the direct path of the high-powered automatic and rocket-based weapons currently within my possession.”

operator of various advanced computational technologies

“In an unfortunate turn of events for all hostile persons, I have now disabled any and all electronic equipment and advanced functions in their possession.”

defensive automaton hailing from the transformers universe

“The beeping which is currently emanating from my robotic person translates as follows: Caution, in regards to my status as a defense automaton, my capabilities for advanced offensive measures will shortly culminate in my demonstration as a transforming robotic device capable of shifting my axles and other metallic extremities into a tracked armoured vehicle capable of intensive offensive strength and defensive fortification.”

aging japanense man armed with an ancient weapon capable of slinging primitive yet dangerous sharpened missiles towards the opponent

“I will now summon a mythical being to the battlefield with the sole purpose of consuming all enemy persons in its path.”

a practitioner of the construction and later detonation of various improvised explosive explosive devices

“Attention, all hostile personnel. A large amount of improvised explosive is about to be deployed to the battlefield via a rapid wheel transport system.”

an expert in the field of weaponised cryogenics with the original purpose of environmental conservation

“I beseech you to halt briefly, and cease all movement.”

french blueberry replica responsible for the causation of numerous husbands being being killed in action

“I am afraid that to escape my all-encompassing vision and advanced thermal imaging is an impossible feat.”

undersized and extremely muscular individual capable of creating an advanced static proximity defense system

“Magma, which forms the basis of my weapons technology, has now fused with my person, causing me to exhibit dangerously high temperature fluids from my orifices and increasing my combat prowess immensely. In addition, my proximity defense system has also been imbued with similar strength-enhancing features.”

a possibly under-aged individual extensively trained in the use of large mechanised walker units with chaingun and rocket weaponry loaded to arm-based hardpoints

“I ironically request you to attempt to negate the effectiveness of my next attack, which, for your information, is a twenty-four megaton nuclear device implanted in my mechanised walker unit which has been set to self-destruct in a matter of seconds from now.”

alternative defensive automaton hailing from the typically temperate and otherwise arid continent located south of europe

“It is of my deepest regret that at this time I must ask all hostile forces to halt their attempts to resist violently the seizure of land and resources that is currently being undertaken by my allies.”

a large gentleman qualified in the use of armour and protection systems in aid of nearby associates

“I am now bringing my melee weapon to bear upon the ground with devastating effect.”

life-threateningly obese man with possible coronary heart disease known also as the sole individual whose collective mass occupies the entirety of any given route not deemed safe for pedestrians and is instead designated for automobiles and other forms of wheeled transport

specialist of physical exertion in lifting and maneuvering mass exceeding that of the maximum capacity for the average human

“On account of our enemies being trapped within a localised black hole, it is my recommendation that you deploy your most powerful offensive armaments towards their location with all due immediacy.”

an armoured female hailing from the regions in central scandinavia

“My fellow comrades who are joined with my effort to secure the key tactical position that is currently occupied by a hostile force, I beseech you report to my location immediately for a coordinated offensive will shortly take place against the numerous forces which are collaborating in opposition to our efforts.”

specialist of long-range restoration of damaged bodily functions

“My associate, do not reduce your velocity, for I have just adminstered a form of excitative fluid into your system increasing both your combat prowess and resistance to further bodily harm immensely.”

an expert in the field of assorted percussive air vibrations which when combined form sounds pleasant to the ear with positive effects to his allies’ immune systems

“The percussive and other assorted sounds which I am responsible for creating are about to reach a crescendo.”

sentiment automaton which has attained spiritual notions of a monastic nature

“I request that you initiate practical contact and or observation of the events about to occur. Due to my innate abilities as a practitioner of a lifestyle advocating inner peace and balance, I have acquired the ability to radiate these values to all nearby comrades in arms. Thusforth, all wounds, whether minor or grevious, shall be healed at a rapid rate.”

VTOL primate

“Roar. I humbly request you forgive my more primal nature as a simple lapse in understanding of the human condition undertaken by myself. As a genetically altered primate originating from unknown regions which are likely covered in condensed jungle, it is in my inner nature to revert back to the primitive and otherwise enraged creature which you see before you. Please withhold from causing damage to my oculatory lenses imbued in a small metal exoskeleton currently propped upon my nasal cavity designed to enhance my vision to that of an acceptable state – failure to heed this warning will result in the aforementioned primitive condition erupting in a most unforseen and rapid rate.”

expert of teleportational technologies and other constructs formed in a wavelength of approximately 400-700 nanometres

“May I have your attention please, associates. I wish to provide you with the information that a device capable of deconstructing one on a molecular level and then reconstructing said molecules at a secondary location has now been constructed by myself. A clear and instanteous route to our objective has now been made available.

potato female

“I hereby command that you yield to the gargantuan force of my resolve which takes the form of a beam of my combined energies.”

an experienced practitioner of the medical variety in possession of various advanced technologies with the sole purpose of the regeneration of damaged cells

“At this present moment I can confirm, thanks entirely due to regenerative and ressurective technologies developed at my own behest, that persons notable for courage, noble qualities, or general outstanding achievement are henceforth exempt from the instance of mortality that plagues the human condition.”

space rodent

“An area presenting unseen hazards has now been established in the immediate area. I reccomend caution when navigating these explosive hazards.”

the marksman female named after the powdery residue which remains after the combustion of objects with an additional element of the english lexicon equalling to that of the fifth letter in the English alphabet

“My personal robotic servant, known colloquially as the short-formed version of Robert which has been converted into a short acronym for my own amusement: I swiftly demand you take notice of my demands. Approach this battlefield whereupon I stand in intense physical and psychological strife with individuals equalling my own skill, and dispatch yourself to a task of your choosing.”

batista

“The shimmering and otherwise ethereal rectangular object you see before you is not sorcery of my own creation. On the contrary, it is a product of the technologies in my possession which are designed to assist and otherwise improve the conditions of you, my fellow comrades. I implore you all now, fellow associates joined in battle, to utilise the piece of technology I have just levied against the foe. Devote your firepower to the location designated by my technologically devised rectangle and destroy our opponents as they stand before us.”

teleporting connisieur of carpets

“An explosive device has been deployed in your vicinity. I regret to inform you that this will in all likelihood result in your death.”

sigma balls

“I must inquire about the percussive vibrations currently emanating from an unknown source.”