People with BPD are inherently incredibly dangerous to themselves. We struggle with self harm, suicidal behaviors, impulsive behaviors, intense emotions, and more. Most of us have serious abandonment issues. Who thought that no contact with a BP would be a good idea?

I’m not saying that there are no cases in which no contact can be a useful tool. If your ex partner is abusive or you never want to speak to them again, no contact can be used to sever the ties you two have. But if you do want to have your ex partner in your life to some degree, even in a later future, no contact may not be the right way to go.

If you choose to go no contact, please give a little warning at least first. Tell them why this is necessary for you and how it will also benefit them. We are generally quite empathetic, so telling us why you think it is better to cease communication is better than dropping off the end of the Earth, leaving us to pick up the small pieces that remain.

But if you make the decision, don’t go back and forth. You can’t go no contact, then break it for a day, then go back, and over and over. That’s not setting a boundary with the BP, that’s letting both of you know that you can’t set boundaries. Going back and forth is even worse than no contact because you are not letting the BP heal, you are just reopening the wound every time. They will lose sleep over when you will next contact them and what you will say. Just don’t do it. Make a decision to go no contact or to not, and then stick with it.

Whatever choice you choose, you have my support. Ending a relationship in general is such a hard period of time in your life and many mistakes can happen around that time because of the heightened emotions you may be feeling. You don’t have to go back to the amount of contact you had when you were dating if you choose to keep in contact with the BP. If they tell you that having less contact with you than when you were previously in a relationship is causing them pain, then it may be best to go no contact. On occasion, a BP might actually initiate no contact. If that happens, accept that this is what they have deemed this necessary for their healing. Dealing with a breakup is no easy task, but we do make it out to the other side eventually.