Ikea, the Swedish furniture giant, conducted a survey recently to understand the bizarre lives of Americans. Not for anthropological reasons, though that’d be valid, too: it’s in Ikea’s interest to figure out how Americans live, so Ikea can figure out how to sell Americans home furnishings that fit a niche or fulfill a need, instead of, like, bidet brushes. This particular survey, called US Life At Home, was conducted for the very first time this year, over the course of 2013. And Ikea found some interesting things! Here are seven of the best.

1. Only 1% [of those surveyed] want their home to reflect how successful they have been.

Analysis: This may seem surprising, but in fact Americans often choose to lie to surveys to make themselves appear more humble.

2. 62% of respondents say they control the remote over their significant other, children, friends, or others. However, 74% of men are more likely to say they control the remote than women at 52%.

Analysis: Americans are warlike creatures who must wrest control of an item called a control.

3. 43% state they have assigned seating in their living room.

Analysis: Americans care deeply about personal property and annex even the smallest items.

4. 52% of households allow phone calls and/or texting during dinner.

Analysis: This is why the U.S. will soon cease to be a superpower.

5. A third of all consumers aspire to get a king-size bed in the next year (among those who don’t have one now).

Analysis: Though Americans do not have a king, they still would prefer to sleep in the manner to which a king is accustomed.

6. 31% of people with pets answered that the pet cuddles with them in bed “every night.”

Analysis: American pets do not respect boundaries.