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Even more important than being drunk, however, is having the right car. You have to get a car that handles really well. This is extremely important, and there's a lot of debate on this subject – about what kind of car handles best. Some say a front-engined car; some say a rear-engined car. I say a rented car. Nothing handles better than a rented car. You can go faster, turn corners sharper, and put the transmission into reverse while going forward at a higher rate of speed in a rented car than in any other kind. You can also park without looking, and can use the trunk as an ice chest. Another thing about a rented car is that it's an all-terrain vehicle. Mud, snow, water, woods – you can take a rented car anywhere. True, you can't always get it back – but that's not your problem, is it?

You know what's wrong with kids today? We don't either, but one thing we're sure of is that they just don't read enough P.J. O'Rourke. True, Republicanism has fallen totally out of favor among today's youngsters, but that stuff is cyclical. Like when Nixon swept into the 80th Congress -- the GOP was all the rage then. And the Newt Gingrich led 104th Congress was pretty popular for a few minutes back in the Lewinkski-charged Nineties.Anyhow, O'Rourke is a great Republican. Our favorite, in fact. You all should sit down and read P.J. to your children as bedtime stories. Might we suggest a passage from his 1978 classic, "How to Drive Fast On Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink." Here's a taste:See? As for why we dug this old chestnut up, may we suggest you make the jump and watch the video? P.J. would be so proud.[Source: YouTube via AutoFiends | Image: Getty]