This month marks 25 years since I experienced my first panic attack. It has been 25 years since life as I knew it was going to be – seeing as I was only a seven year old and only had dreams of what life as a teenager and adult would be – would turn out completely different.

This marks a little over one year since my most recent relapse. One year that I’ve gone back to basics and had found myself struggling with the daily tasks that most of us take for granted.

What have I actively worked on in the past year? Well, I’ve worked very hard to get myself from a place of crying constantly and randomly in odd places to being mostly calm and collected at all appropriate times. I’ve managed to be able to work, although difficult at times, and be fairly consistent all my tasks. I’ve managed to be able to get hair cuts again. I’ve managed to be able to take the subway with much less anxiety. I have had a little help along the way to be able to execute these tasks and I also fully committed myself to talk therapy.

So, where does that leave me now?

Well, I’m now at a new bump in the road.

After taking some time to figure out how far I have come and where I am now, I realized that it was time to make changes about where I want to go from here.

You see, although I’ve managed to regain some sense of my life, it wasn’t enough. Just being able to do all these “normal” tasks was great and all but I’ve been missing something. And what I’ve been missing was enjoyment.

You see, I’ve been trying very hard to do all the things that I actually enjoy doing however I was just doing them in order to get through them. No enjoyment. That realization indicated that I needed to make some more serious changes. Who wants to do things they used to love doing only because they were just trying to get through them? I miss those happy, cuddly feelings after going to an amazing restaurant or buying that cute shirt. I miss wanting to slow down time while I play with dogs in the dog park or having a night out with friends. Instead I find myself looking at the time to see how long is long enough before I can go home.

Therefore I took a new step. And the new step involved my medications. After years of being determined to get off of them. I have moved to a higher dose. Because it’s what I need.

After two weeks and two dosage movements I’m finding myself many steps backward. I feel strong physically illness all the time, my anxiety is heightened and I found myself in tears this morning. I can’t help but feel that this isn’t going to work. But I’m still going to keep going. I’m still going to wake up tomorrow and keep trying. Even if that means I need to take some time off. Right now I’m sad and feeling defeated – again – but there is no going backward.

I want that life my seven year old self dreamed about.

I think it’s about time.

Happy 25th Anniversary Panic Disorder, there is no way that you’d let me forget.