"It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal – a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do," Glamour said earnestly, in the piece titled "13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard for You". Have a cold one ready for when he gets out of the shower: The key to relationship success, apparently. "Handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower," was another piece of sage advice bound to cement any relationship. "Is Glamour's '13 Little Things That Can Make Men Fall Hard for You' the worst thing ever written?" wondered one Twitter user.

Sadly not. Ludicrous sex and relationship advice abounds on the internet and is preserved in the sticky pages of magazines. To let people know you're on the market, Marie Claire, who normally we'd think better of, suggests you: "Send out a mass text. The easiest way to get the word out that you're single (and looking) is by letting everyone know." If that doesn't work and you're still single, hook up with your sofa instead, Women's Health suggests. "THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER: THE SOFA GRIND," they shout.

"Forget staying in with Netflix, give a weekend on the sofa a whole new meaning with this raunchy position – no partner needed …" They didn't! Yes, they did. "Ready for some bump n' grind? Find a stuffed chair or sofa and ride the arm, starting with a small movement of the hips and then slowly building momentum. No sofa? No problem. Use the edge of a table or desk – just make sure you fold a thick towel or blanket over it first." Sadly, it gets worse with Cosmo. "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other," the magazine offers in advice less likely to lead to a happy ending than humiliation and confusion.

"You can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle." Cosmo, the magazine which many a budding woman has turned to for sex advice, has a plethora of pearlers. There's the "glazed doughnut" tip where they laughably suggest women "Gently stick his penis through the hole … and slowly nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while …" But, wait there's more messed up advice. "Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects."

Or: "Press a fork (firmly, but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body – his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs." Um. It's not just women's magazine's turning us all into weirdos. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand," Men's Health suggests. "If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

I can barely continue. Thankfully, neither could Glamour. After receiving the wrath and ridicule of the internet, they removed the article. "We understand that the list read like a 1950s marriage handbook – and nobody wants to go back there," they said in a statement. "That being said, we'll always be here to help you decode dating. So let's be clear: You're welcome to make a grilled cheese for anyone you love, but you shouldn't be whipping one up in an effort to lock the all-important 'him' down. (That's just a waste of Gruyere.)

"What we want for you is love based on equality, not indentured servitude with date night. We're sorry for slipping off message. And speaking of slipping, please, please ignore that beer-right-out-of-the-shower thing. It feels like it could get dangerous fast." Cheesy. But, a little more sober advice, at least. For your entertainment, behold the original list. 1. Stocking the fridge with his favourite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days by handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower. 2. Making him a snack after sex. It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal – a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do.

3. Emailing him the latest online gossip about his favourite TV show. You don't have to have a BFF at HBO. Just share applicable links from your Twitter feed and pat yourself on the back. 4. Bragging about him to your friends, family, the stranger on the street corner – whomever. Proclamations of pride will make his chest puff out and his heart swell. 5. Answering the door in a negligée – or, better yet, naked. 6. Being open to what he wants to try in the bedroom and out. An open mind is attractive no matter your playground. 7. Letting him help solve your petty work problem. Many men don't do gossip, but they do like to fix things.

8. Spitting out sports stats for his favourite team. Showing an interest in his favourite players will earn you points on and off the field. 9. Making a big deal out of his favourite meal. Does he like hot dogs cut up into his boxed mac-and-cheese? Serve it on a fancy tray in bed to really see him smile. 10. Treating his friends as well as you treat your own. If you win their affections, you'll win his heart. 11. Sitting side-by-side while he watches his favourite TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it's the best time to him. 12. Giving him a massage – happy ending completely optional. In fact, a foot rub works just fine.

13. Taking him back to third grade with a gentle tease over anything from how you'll dominate him on the basketball court to the weird way he just styled his hair.