I often wonder about the example I set for my kids. I’m trying to minimize the amount of shitty behaviors I could potentially pass on to my kids, and I feel like I’m finally getting to the point of being as close to a normal human being as I’ve ever been. One of the worst behaviors a parent can exhibit is the “do as I say, not as I do” nonsense. Today, I exhibited that, as I shit myself in Office Depot in front of Mikey and he instantly knew it.

Mikey is pretty good at using the potty. Occasionally, he’ll have an accident and to help prevent that, Jaime and I constantly ask him if he has to go to the bathroom. He likes to really push the limits of his butthole and bladder, often flying by the seat of his pants to either barely make it to the toilet in the nick of time, or sneak upstairs to change his underwear without being noticed, like some kind of incontinent ninja. Most of the times that he does have an accident, it’s aggravating because it could have been prevented if he had just taken a break from whatever he was doing and run upstairs to let loose. We don’t really bust his chops too hard, but it’s important that it gets recognized that it is never okay to soil yourself.

Today, he and I went to Office Depot and walked around the store for about an hour. During the course of that hour, I was ripping farts like I would receive 30% off for doing so. Yesterday, my diet consisted of long hot peppers, mashed potatoes, marinated mozzarella balls and enough baked ham to put a midget in a pork coma. Naturally, I was really trying to put on a farting fireworks display. What do you want from me? I’m a showman. It got to the point where Mikey started saying, “Daaad!” after each one, so I knew they were good. This kid spends the better part of his day making butt, fart and poop jokes, so if I’m embarrassing him, I’m really digging deep and reminding him who the master is.

Roughly 25 minutes into the farting clinic, I really put a little extra mustard on one as I perused the dry erase markers. I immediately shot to attention in only a way that an adult can do if they realize they either left the stove on or just shit themselves in a store. For some reason, I immediately looked at Mikey, who said, “Did you just poop?” I have no fucking clue how he knew this, but being that his fart game is incredibly strong for his age, I know he has “The Gift” and likely already understands that sometimes world class farters shit themselves, as a circus juggler’s pins sometimes hit the floor. I felt his disappointment to my core and I don’t know if he’ll ever look at me the same.

I am typing this three hours after the incident, and I still feel the shame as strong as I did the moment I locked eyes with Mikey. It was like having a gypsy stare into my soul. I feel like the dad from the “I learned it by watching you!” anti-drug PSA. I’m not sure I can ever instruct him on how or when to use the bathroom ever again. He has every right to follow his own instincts, rather than listen to some overweight butt braggart who can talk it, but obviously can’t walk it.

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