Jackson, MS—

Mississippi Republican Senate candidate Paul Donovan has run a campaign with such virulently homophobic public statements that Mississippians across the state agree that underneath his facade of Christian values he must be homosexual himself.

“There’s just no way this guy isn’t gay,” explained local Republican voter George Hawkins, 38. “He shows all the signs. This Donovan fellow has compared homosexuality to bestiality, he has called for subsidizing pray-away-the-gay camps for kids, he has called for banning gay pride parades, he rants regularly against gay marriage, he’s totally opposed to letting gay couples adopt children, and he even uses the word ‘fag’ in his Facebook posts. There is not a doubt in my mind that this guy is ‘too gay to function’ as the kids call it these days.”

Other Mississippi voters have started a campaign to find Mr. Donovan’s Grindr account, which they agree must exist.

“Me and a big group of my friends have all offered $20 each in a giant pot of reward money for the person who finds this ultra-conservative Paul Donovan guy on Grindr,” explained Mississippi college Democrat Alex Winjeski, 20. “All together, the reward money we’ve raised has just passed $500, and people are still signing up to contribute. It’s not a matter of if we find this guy’s Grindr account, it’s only a matter of when. He’s just too much of a homophobe to not be secretly gay and unwilling to accept it. He’s definitely projecting his own insecurities onto other people.”

A bigger prize has been collected for a tougher challenge.

“I heard about the competition to find the Republican candidate’s Grindr account, but I think that’s too easy,” said Jackson resident Jillian Heams, 22. “This guy’s political platform is so fundamentalist that he’s obviously super sexually repressed. So I started my own competition with some followers of my Tumblr blog, and all together we have pledged a whole $2,000 reward for the first person who orchestrates a fake sexual rendezvous with the guy in a gas station bathroom and films it as a sting operation to catch him with his pants down, proverbially, of course. I donated $300 myself. It’s so worth it to catch an obvious hypocrite.”

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(Picture courtesy of Ted Eytan.)

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