Chapter 9 – Ranon’s Monologue

Ranon dictated to his computer.

“I’ve been working on this submarine for a while now, and I’ve just got to say…

This is the most fantastic subreddit in the entire history of subreddits!

Not only are we a subreddit, but we are also a submarine!

How cool is that?

I think that’s very cool.

“On another note, how is everybody today?

I am great.

So great, in fact, that I've decided to devote a month of Reddit gold to everybody on this submarine!

Not really though.

But still, as my grandma would always say, ‘It's the thought that counts.’

She's dead now.

“Anyways, does anyone want to hear a funny joke?

So this polar bear walks into a bar and says, ‘Hey, I'd like a bacardi… and coke.’

And the bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’

And the polar bear replies, ‘I'm not sure, I was just born with them.’

HA!

Classic.

“Anyways, guys, I've just gotta say this whole Never Always Dead thing has really got me mildly interested.

And by that I mean not all that interested at all.

I feel like it's happened before.

Like that whole Tom Riddle dejavu story arch from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Or Call of Duty.”

He paused.

Something in the air felt wrong.

Unknown to him, Khrinan was on the ceiling, like a spider, watching his every move, listening to every word he said, waiting, intently, for the right moment.

“On another note, what’s everyone’s favorite TV show?

I like ‘It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.’

It’s truly a modern marvel.”

Ranon held his chin, theorizing ways to provoke NAD.

“You know what else is truly astounding?

How fat Max is.

Blows my mind.

Kapwoosh.

Mind blown.”

Khrinan smirked, silently.

“Onto something else,” Ranon sighed.

“I'm starving.

I could really go for something to eat.

Like a baby.

I mean that I could eat like a hungry baby, not that I would eat a baby.

Although, I guess if it came down to it, I could eat a baby right now.”

Ranon contemplated this notion.

“I have almost no empathy,” he explained.

“I'm like a robot.

Beep boop bop!” he sang, happily.

“00110010011001.

Binary code, mothafucka.”

Ranon smiled lightly at his cleverness.

“For sheezy…”

Khrinan inched across the ceiling to get a better look.

Hearing the subtle scooting, Ranon looked up.

Khrinan wasn’t there, of course, but it didn’t matter.

Said of NAD, “He sees everything.”

Ranon had a guess as to who had been watching him and who was still watching him now.

The projection of Max almost explicitly told him that he was going to die next.

Ranon was okay with that.

When NAD came, he could take him.

NAD knew it too.

He didn’t even know how he was going to kill him, or if he COULD kill him.

A little blurb popped up on Ranon’s computer screen.

“Message Done?” it asked.

“No,” Ranon said aloud, and continued.

“What would you guys do if I turned into a robot and ate this entire subreddit like a cookie?” he asked.

“I would say, ‘Gee, that sure is strange!’ and continue doing whatever I was doing, which was probably sex.”

He smiled at the thought.

“I have sex a lot, and in many different ways,” he explained.

“For instance, I was fuckin’ this once bitch once, and suddenly it turned midnight and she said to me ‘Dear Ranon, I'm a werewolf,’ and turned into a werewolf and bit me, so I turned into one too, and we both had awesome werewolf sex while we played Skyrim, which we’re both werewolf characters in, and it was great.”

Satisfied, Khrinan disappeared.

“We gave a hole new definition to ‘howls of pleasure.’

Because we were werewolves.

True story.”

Sensing the entity was gone, Ranon prepared to wrap up his monologue.

“Anyways, guys, thanks for reading this eulogy.

I sure do appreciate it.”

He spun around in his chair, ready to sign off.

There, against the back wall of his room, was a Pokemon card.

It wasn’t his; he didn’t have any on board.

Ranon smiled.

“NAD’s left me a gift,” he thought, pleasantly.

Ranon wondered which Pokemon the card was.

He turned back to his computer.

“Who’re your favorite Pokemons?” he asked.

“I like Raichu, but Scizor is a close second.

“If I was a Pokemon, what would my name be?

I like ‘Rananzorous.’

It sounds sharp and dangerous, which I think is neat.

What’re your favorite videogames?” he asked.

“I like MGS 2: Snake Eater, although I'm currently playing Shadow of the Colossus, which I also find to be quite a blast.”

NAD read this in absolute confusion.

He had no idea what Ranon was trying to accomplish with this nonsensical monologue.

“I'm also a huge fan of the Sly Cooper series,” Ranon continued.

“The third especially.

How about you guys?”

Ranon paused a second to wait for his computer to catch up with his thoughts.

NAD couldn’t.

“God damn,” Ranon laughed.

“It’s appropriate, I think, that my flair is ‘Handsome Stranger,’ because I'm both.

If I don't sound like too huge a narcissist, quite handsome, but maybe also a little strange.”

NAD’s head hit the wall with a loud THUD.

That grammar was appalling!

It didn’t even make any sense!

Ranon looked at the wall, trying to detect what the “thud” could have been.

After a moment of silence, he started again.

“I think my new flair should say ‘Handsome Stranger and Appropriately So’ because of how justified the nickname is.”

NAD rolled his eyes.

“That's just my thoughts, though,” Ranon shrugged.

“I don’t mean to push my beliefs onto anybody, like those crazy Mormons who keep coming to my house.”

“But that was before Incident X.

We don't talk about Incident X.”

Satisfied, Ranon leaned back in his chair.

“Computer!” he called.

“Message Done?” the blurb asked.