Being in Peace Corps can be hard. Being in a long-distance relationship can be hard. Being in both at once? Double hard.

Monday was my one-year anniversary with my Stateside boyfriend – which presented a chance to reflect on what it means to maintain a long-distance relationship while in Peace Corps. Is it hard? Yes. Does it really suck sometimes? Yes. Is it wonderful? Yes.

As I was preparing to leave, one of the things I googled obsessively was ‘long-distance relationships in Peace Corps.’ My boyfriend and I both lamented that there weren’t very many positive stories out there. Instead, there was a great big pile of negativity. Everything we read talked about how hard it was, how relationships only last a few weeks or months, how 27 months from now I would be a totally different person, and how by the time I got home I’d be long over him and married to another PCV or a Motswana.

But there is hope. There are lots of us out there – people who have decided to commit themselves not just to serving their country by joining the Peace Corps, but also committing themselves to another person half a world away. I wanted to add my little slice of sunshine into the mix.

QUESTIONS.

Peace Corps asks you all sorts of fun things about your relationships before you leave. Long Distance Relationships are one of the most cited reasons for someone to voluntarily leave their Service early, so they expect you to have good answers. It seems kind of weird and intrusive, but what they ask is very valid. Some questions you won’t have answers to until you wrap up your service and move home. Some questions you might never have answers to. These questions however serve as a good framework for going into Service with a significant other back in the States.

Do you trust each other? Completely?

Do you communicate? Really communicate?

Is there a future for the relationship?

Can you handle being alone?

How do you support each other? How do you strengthen each other?

How do you show your love? Without physically being there for each other?

What happens when you have a bad day?

What happens when they have a bad day?

What happens when you want to celebrate?

Now that I’ve been abroad for nine months now, I see the value in these questions. Thinking about them can help prepared you for this adventure – however, just like the rest of Peace Corps Service, nothing can really prepare you. I thought I knew how to support my boyfriend when he had a bad day – but then there was a day we were *both* having bad days. All my planning and forethought went out the window. These are questions you have to continue to ask yourself – and continue to ask each other.

ADVICE.

Long-distance Relationship advice is plentiful online – I have personally fallen in love with this subreddit, which gives me ideas and keeps me motivated. But not all advice is made equal. Every relationship is different – and every Peace Corps Service is different. I’m lucky enough to have a solid internet connection so my boyfriend and I can Skype at least once a week, but not every PCV will have that. I read advice lists with a grain of salt.

Some of the best advice I’ve seen is:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you need something, ask. If you don’t like something, say it. When you live so far apart, non-verbal communication is few and far between. Your significant other can’t see you rolling your eyes, or hear your slightly stress-out tone. They can’t feel when you’re happy or unhappy. Or at least not all the time. Verbalizing your needs and wants can be hard, but its worth it. This is really what it all comes down to.

Share – boring, fascinating, exciting, gross – everything that happens. You don’t have to have deep meaningful conversations every single time you talk, and don’t expect to. Your significant other may not really care about the crazy, mutant, six-legged spider-thing that was in your bathtub and kept you from washing your hair, but it keeps them a part of your life. I don’t say “I wish I could tell my boyfriend that…” Instead it’s “I can’t wait to hear what he has to say about…” We share in the same way we might if we lived in the same place – small details of our days keep us connected on a human level.

Little things matter. When I was in the US, I might write him a sticky note and leave it in his car, or I might leave him the last gatorade in the fridge. It’s hard to do little things when you’re so far away but when you can, it means so much more.

Dream, plan, and think about the future. You probably wouldn’t be dating them if there wasn’t some sort of future for the relationship, so talk about it. You don’t need to get bogged down in serious logistical planning, but what does month 28 look like? What is your first date when you get home going to be? How awesome are those cuddles going to be?

Don’t let Peace Corps and your long-distance relationship get in the way of each other. You’ve committed to both things, and they are both important. Sometimes the two will conflict, but its part of the experience. You have to be prepared to be lonely, and to miss your significant other – but you also have to be able to put that aside sometimes to serve your community. Navigating through these conflicts will make you a better Volunteer and a stronger couple.

Let the haters hate. That’s their problem, not yours. This is so much harder than it sounds. Your Peace Corps friends, your Stateside friends, your family – they are all going to doubt you and question you. You’ll feel the need to defend your relationship over and over again. Don’t. Find those people who support your relationship. Know the reasons you’ve decided to keep your relationship. Pull strength from your relationship. And if worst comes to worst, ask them to stop – tell the haters to mind their own business because you don’t want to hear it.

than it sounds. Your Peace Corps friends, your Stateside friends, your family – they are all going to doubt you and question you. You’ll feel the need to defend your relationship over and over again. Don’t. Find those people who support your relationship. Know the reasons you’ve decided to keep your relationship. Pull strength from your relationship. And if worst comes to worst, ask them to stop – tell the haters to mind their own business because you don’t want to hear it. Distance can be harder for the Stateside significant other than the PCV. Peace Corps Volunteers go through a lot – new country, new culture, new friends, while we leave behind our loved one in regular life. Everything for us is new, while for them the only new things is our absence. There are some great blogs written by the loved ones left at home if you want to hear their side of the story: here, here, here, here and here.

There is also one piece of advice I disagree with every time I read it:

Having them visit you is NOT the be all and end all of your relationship. My significant other isn’t interested in coming to Africa. That’s fine. He also doesn’t have enough leave time or money to make it a reasonable thing to expect from him. Joining the Peace Corps was my decision, and we both knew it might mean 27 months without seeing each other. That’s what we prepared ourselves for – and I want other people to know that it’s ok if they never come visit.

REALITY.

So what about me? Impersonal lists and advice aside, what is my relationship like?

My boyfriend and I have a strong relationship – and I think it’s stronger now than when I left. We’ve done a lot of things right. We prepared ourselves for the worst possibilities – no internet, no phone service, only being able to talk once in a blue moon. Being able to talk as often as we do has been incredible – and I’m grateful for it every day.

We’re growing both independently and together. He’s gotten a promotion while I’ve been gone – and continues with his life just like normal. We’ve learned a lot about each other, and even more about our relationship.

He’s supportive without being judgmental. When I talk to him about how hard it is, and how I’m struggling he reminds me why I joined the Peace Corps. He tells me to talk to my mom. He tells me how much he wants to have me home, but that he wants me to be here even more. I know he’ll be by my side whenever that happens.

He has proven to me over and over again that he is a good person. He is compassionate and thoughtful. He is strong and moral. He is funny and sweet. He’s also quite cute as well. He is my rock and my heart.

Before moving to Botswana, we only dated for 109 days. We’ve spent more than two-thirds of our relationship on different continents. Being away from him has only made me feel closer. We have learned to communicate better, and to express ourselves more. We have learned to love and be loved from afar – I can only imagine the joy that will come when we are together.

More than anything, I am certain 540 days from now he’ll still be by my side.