NEW BEDFORD, MA—Launching an ambitious new public relations campaign across multiple media platforms, a coalition of harpoon industry executives unveiled a plan Wednesday to rebrand their product by emphasizing to the public that harpoons can harpoon stuff besides whales. “For centuries, the average consumer has assumed that harpoons, with their razor-sharp points and tenacious barbs, were only good for shooting whales, but harpoons can also be utilized to shoot all sorts of things like, say, a home intruder or deer,” said harpoon industry spokesperson Barnaby Amundson, adding that a modern harpooning setup, with its steam-powered gun emplacement and cable reel, was no longer than a compact sedan and could launch a harpoon every eight minutes when properly crewed. “The only limit to harpooning is your imagination. For instance, you can harpoon a tree, or if you’re not in the mood to specifically harpoon anything, the harpoon can be fired straight up into the air. Perhaps there’s something across the room or the yard that you need—impale it on a harpoon and simply reel it in. And yes, they still work on whales, but harpoon ownership is so much more than that—it’s a convenience, a feeling, a whole lifestyle.” Amundson was also encouraging avid harpoonists to Instagram photos of non-whale-related objects they’ve impaled.

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