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Saturday Night Live Transcripts





Season 2: Episode 10









76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas



Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Candice Bergen

… Gilda Radner

… Dan Aykroyd

… Jane Curtin

… John Belushi

… Laraine Newman

… Garrett Morris

[Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: One night this July, GaryGilmore killed a Utah service station attendant andthe next night he shot a twenty-five year old studenttwice in the head. He was convicted of the secondmurder and sentenced to death. Gilmore requested thatthe sentence be carried out by firing squad. Prisonofficials were flooded with calls with peoplevolunteering to shoot Gilmore, a job which pays ahundred and twenty-five dollars. Gilmore’s lawyer isnegotiating with publishers and motion picture studiosfor book and movie rights and there has been a cry forpublic execution. [holds up a New York Post with alarge front page headline: The Gilmore Ruling: KILLHIM] All three networks have asked permission to filmthe event and, if permission is not granted, thenthere’s talk of filming the execution, from adirigible, helicopter or hang glider. And so it’s inthis spirit that Saturday Night has prepared a veryspecial Christmas song.

[As the music begins, we dissolve to the giantChristmas tree at Rockefeller Center and then to aclose-up of Gilda Radner, her hair and face peltedwith artificial snow, as she sings:]

Gilda Radner:

There’s a little guy in Utah with a single ChristmaswishFor one special thing that can’t be substitutedDoesn’t want to get electric trains, get toys or getpet fishAll he really wants to get is executed

[Dissolve wide to take in the rest of the cast,dressed in holiday sweaters amid falling snow, womenin the front row, men in back. Everyone sings:]

Cast:

So let’s kill Gary Gilmore for Christmas

Let’s hang him from atop the Christmas tree

Let’s give to him the only gift that money can’tbuy

Put poison in his egg nog, let him drink it, watch himdie

[Dan Aykroyd talks while the others hum softly:]

Dan Aykroyd:

Let’s throw another yule log on the fire

And then let’s throw Gary Gilmore on there too

With a ribbon so gay and a card that will say

“Dear Gary, Merry Christmas to you”

Jane, Laraine, Gilda:

In the meadow, we can build a snowman

One with Gary Gilmore packed inside

John, Garrett, Dan:

We’ll say “Are you dead yet?” He’ll say “No, man”

Cast:

But we’ll wait out the frostbite till he dies

Gilda:

I’ve one Christmas wish

Jane, Laraine, John, Garrett, Dan:

Just ask it

Gilda:

Please put Gary in a casket

Cast:

So let’s toll the silver bells for him

While he can still hear what they say

Ding dong ding dong

You’re dead, so long

We can thrill Gary Gilmore

If we kill Gary Gilmore

On this Christmas Day

[Dissolve back to the Rockefeller Center Christmastree.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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