Let’s face facts. Any president, even this president*, can pardon anyone he damn well pleases, and he doesn’t have to tell us the reasons why. (Yes, if he sells them, he can be impeached for it, but hey, really now...) So, when El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago starts handing them out like gumdrops, let’s remember that, back in his earlier days as a courtier attorney general, Bill Barr advised George H.W. Bush to follow a similar strategy to get out from under all the lying he’d done regarding what he knew about the Iran-Contra scandal. When you get a flurry like this, and especially when you get a flurry in the middle of a president’s first term, and just as a re-election campaign is heating up, cui bono? is really the only question worth asking. So let’s take a look at the lucky winners, shall we?

Eddie DeBartolo, Jr., former owner of the San Francisco 49ers, heir to a shopping-mall empire. His father was "repeatedly investigated by federal authorities for connections to organized crime," but never charged. (Here’s the late giant, Mike Royko, on DeBartolo, Sr., from 1990: "DeBartolo, a real estate developer, is one of the wealthiest men in America. He's somewhere up there in the Donald Trump bracket, although he seems to have a more tranquil domestic life." Little did Royko know how prescient he was.) The younger DeBartolo got pinched because he failed to report an extortionate demand from legendary Louisiana Governor Edwin (“A dead girl or a live boy”) Edwards. The DeBartolo family fortune began in the area around Youngstown, Ohio, which was a pretty mobbed-up place altogether. (Google “James Traficant” some time.) Ohio, you may recall, is generally very vital in presidential elections. Also, despite his small setback with the law, DeBartolo is said to have a net worth of around $3 billion, and money is generally very vital in presidential elections, too.

Rod Blagojevich: truly one of a kind. Tim Boyle Getty Images

Rod ("Fckin' Golden") Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, who got sent up for trying to sell Barack Obama’s old Senate seat for top dollar. I don’t think Blago does Trump any good politically, especially not in Illinois, where everybody, including all the crooked pols, hates him. In truth, Blago probably was hit too hard for what he was charged with, but the important thing to the president* about this pardon was, I believe, that it was another creative way of saying, "Feck off" to his predecessor.

Bernie Kerik, former commissioner of the NYPD, great friend of Rudy Giuliani—who wanted Kerik to be Secretary of Homeland Security—and a beloved figure around the Fox News green rooms. "Great friend of Rudy Giuliani” should have been explanation enough. Shilling for Kerik’s pardon were Rudy his own self, Geraldo Rivera, and Christopher Ruddy, the head of wingnut trout farm Newsmax and onetime failed sleuth who thought the Clintons killed Vince Foster.

And Michael Milken, the almost forgotten junk-bond king and the model for Gordon Gekko in Wall Street. Milken was the emperor the last time the financial industry almost pauperized the country. To be fair, Milken has done a lot of philanthropic work over the past few years. Conscience money, for sure, but what the hell. Anyway, he’s worth an estimated $4 billion. And, apparently, his cachet among rich people never dimmed. From the Washington Post:

For instance, Nelson Peltz, the billionaire who threw Trump a fundraiser Saturday night, backed pardoning Milken, along with Sheldon and Miriam Adelson, Patriots owner Robert Kraft, Fox host Maria Bartiromo, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, a range of Trump’s New York friends and Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao.

So, these pardons were all about money and about personal spite against the last president we had. And just so we’re all clear on things, the president* also said this today.

The banana republic is a republic gone bananas.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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