LOS ANGELES—Rendered obsolete by the robot’s orifice-pounding abilities, nearly 500 porn stars were replaced this week by a hydraulic-powered fisting arm that industry reps said could go harder, faster, and longer than any of its human counterparts. “In order to keep up with the growing demand for the filthiest, most insane hole-stretching action imaginable, production companies have had to augment their workforces with machines that can be programmed to fist around the clock with only the occasional application of lubricant,” said adult film producer Spike Oster, adding that the German-engineered robot was designed to plow elbow-deep into even the tightest of barely-legal slits. “Obviously we respect the hard work and dedication of human actors, but having the option to employ just one fully detached arm that can be quickly customized according to the gender and ethnicity requirements of a film makes far more economic sense.” Oster went on to say that the laid-off porn stars would have no trouble finding new jobs, however, assuming they were willing to move to the emerging fisting markets of Asia and the Middle East.

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