Don’t Trust What the Fake News Media Says About Cersei Lannister

Okay, look, the mainstream media in Westeros was never going to give Cersei Lannister a fair chance. They were against her from the start, so we shouldn’t be surprised that every story coming out of the town crier’s mouth is some lie about Cersei failing to implement her policy initiatives or murdering hundreds of people in a church. All of that news is completely fake. The fact is that Cersei’s reign has been an unending streak of wins for the people of the Seven Kingdoms.

Cersei has seen our country weaken under a series of disastrous Baratheon monarchies, and she’s focused on real steps to make the Seven Kingdoms great once again. I’ll admit that before she put on the crown, a few criticisms about her might have contained a grain of truth. Some said she was petty and vengeful, or that she was only focused on increasing her wealth and public profile through shameless self-promotion. But now that she’s on the Iron Throne, I know that she’ll be able to look beyond venal interests in order to pursue reforms that benefit everyone. Just look at her track record so far.

Even now, she’s working very hard for the good of the people. I know that because she said, “I work very hard,” and although she didn’t add the words “for the good of the people,” that’s obviously what she meant.

For example, Queen Cersei has repeatedly demonstrated her concern about the massive threats that face us every day, like wildlings. Wildlings are definitely the number one danger to Westeros. Whenever I receive my daily news raven, I read another story about a wildling attacking some helpless farmhouse. I also see stories on marauders from pretty much every other ethnicity attacking farmhouses, but I ignore those. When the media tells us to be worried about dangers besides the wildlings, that’s just another example of them trying to undermine Cersei. She said so.

Right now, the only thing that’s preventing wildlings from completely overrunning our country is the Wall. Recently, though, some spineless “leaders” in the North have let wildlings cross over, so it is absolutely crucial that we strengthen our homeland’s security apparatus to identify and remove all wildlings, even if they are children or refugees. If we open the door to these aliens with so-called mitigating circumstances, then every Tommen, Dick, and Harry is going to say that he will be “slaughtered immediately by White Walkers if I return to the other side of the Wall.”

As if White Walkers were real. Do you know what’s really real? The impending collapse of our socialist healthcare system, which covers every syphilis-infested brothel and traveler who comes in with a blade embedded in his abdomen. We pay for that with higher taxes.

And if someone talks about climate change one more time, I’m going to lose my mind. Winter is not coming. Yesterday was hot! I was sweating!

Cersei Lannister is working to meet our real challenges, not our fake ones, and for those topics that she doesn’t know about she can rely on trustworthy advisors. It’s not like the entire bureaucracy of Kings Landing has either been assassinated or defected across the Narrow Sea. For instance, our Queen can confer with a number of family members with whom she does not have an incestuous relationship, like her brother Jaime, who has made clear that he will back anything she does as long as he appears to be supporting LGBT rights and paid family leave.

In short, Cersei Lannister is totally prepared to lead Westeros, and in the past few months she has been enormously successful. I can’t think of a specific instance of something good she’s done recently, but that’s probably because there have just been so many victories.

And to be honest, I’m just glad that Daenerys Targaryen isn’t on the Iron Throne. Sure, lots of people support her, and she seems like a competent ruler with dragons, but she has so much baggage. And she’s terrible at campaigning.