SEATTLE—In no way enhancing the nation’s wealth through any other means, local man Ryan Compton’s sole contribution to the economy is viewing advertisements found on websites, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Occasionally glancing at ads while scrolling through articles is the one and only useful purpose he serves in the American economic system,” said Cornell University economist Mark Rutherford, who tracked Compton’s impact on the economy without finding a single positive effect beyond the revenue he passively generates for a variety of news, social media, video streaming, and ecommerce websites. “The data clearly indicates that all he offers to the nation’s economy comes from the 34 ad impressions he makes on average each day. Even if you factor in the 15 seconds of pre-roll he watches before clicking the ‘skip’ button on online videos, it still amounts to virtually nothing.” Experts noted, however, that Compton’s contribution to the economy could gradually increase as more and more of his personal information is sold to third-party marketers.

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