Sit Down, Shut Up, and Write Your Fucking Book: Uplifting Tips for the Aspiring Author

Ease into it

Waking up can be an extremely complex issue. In fact, there is no guarantee it can always be done. Take a moment to marvel that you have accomplished a great feat. If you decide to reward yourself with a lie in, applaud yourself. It is not easy being a creative genius channeling art from a cosmic realm. Once you have risen from your bed/sarcophagus, allow ample time to reach full alertness via your method of choice, whether Red Bull-Monster smoothie or caffeine enema.

Be properly attired

What are you wearing? Is it comfortable? Above all else — even paychecks! — writers value radical ultra-comfort. Suggestions: an XXXXL Snuggie, a Glad bag, or the tarp that covers your pool. Wear it with pride: YOU ARE A WRITER!

Keep hydrated

Fill up a gas can with water or Honey Jack Daniels. Sip liberally. When sitting for twenty three hours of the day, it is necessary to lubricate your sluggish arteries. You should also bring a snack with you. Avoid glutinous snacks like a handful of honey or molten lard, as these may sully your keyboard and fuse you to your desk. Many writers have perished for their art in this manner.

Keep your blood flowing

Other things that should be on your mind at this early stage in the writing day are deep-vein thrombosis and lethal blood clots. To shield yourself from an untimely demise before you have begun the creative process, whip on your flight socks. If you do not own flight socks, don’t despair, with a bit of ingenuity, a hyper-extended condom will do just fine.

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IMPORTANT NOTE :

IF THE WORD “WRITING” IS TOO INTIMIDATING , CONSIDER USING A EUPHEMISM LIKE “PENPIDDLING” OR “WORDYWHOOPWHOOP.” No one will think you are odd or certifiable. We are all internet acquaintances here.

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Draw strength from past defeats

Take a minute to remember that time your writing teacher told you to consider an alternate career in underwater basket weaving. Use it to inspire you to lofty literary heights. You too could be the next George R. R. Tolkien.

Take deep, deep breaths

Fill your lungs with Febreeze’d air and look around your writing room/prison cell. Are you alone? If not, take a minute to intimidate those rodents with the nearest cello case. If your children have infiltrated this sacred space, gently remind them that this is the Boogie Monster’s headquarters and he is back on the Atkins Diet.

Copy the routines of your heroes

Think carefully about your literary idol and ask yourself how they approached their writing day. Consider adopting their practices. If you admire Hemingway, you should scale things back. Stephanie Meyer? Consider a romantic liaison with a classically trained hematophagic pianist. Hunter S. Thompson? Locate your nearest cocaine salesmen. If suicide was a practice of your favorite author, consider postponing this until the end of your day.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Open your laptop and look at the screen. Have you forgotten your password since last night? This is perfectly normal. There are so many things happening at all times. An appropriate amount of time for password recovery could be one to four hours. Password hint: Is it “I’m A New York Times Best Seller” or the name of your dead papillon?

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IMPORTANT NOTE :

WRITERS USE MANY DIFFERENT TOOLS AND INSTRUMENTS TO ACTUALIZE THEIR CRAFT . A LAPTOP IS SATISFACTORY . SO IS A QUILL . THROWBACK CAVEMEN HIPSTER WRITERS MIGHT USE A CHISEL AND STONE . A PART - TIME ZOO KEEPER MIGHT WRITE IN TAPIR POOPS . REMEMBER : WRITERS DO NOT JUDGE OTHER WRITERS UNTIL THEY ARE ON THE BESTSELLERS LIST AND DESERVE A MAELSTROM OF JEALOUS BATTERFANGING BY A DETERMINED ARMY OF INTERNET TROGLODYTES .

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When in doubt, nap

Are you feeling a bit woozy? It must be the Jack Daniels. Don’t worry. Now is an excellent time for a nap on the floor or the desk. Move aside any writing implements, unpaid bills, and drug paraphernalia to allow ample space for your disco nap. Remember that you are a writer and there is no stigma to day drinking or sleeping. You are in fact, very cultured. In Spain, this is the norm and you enjoy tapas very much.

Draw inspiration from the zeitgeist

Take a minute or fourteen hundred to log onto your various social media sites. Google varied topics for creative inspiration and allow yourself to be blissfully siphoned through the Dustbuster nozzle of the Internet. Some thought-provoking topics include:

LOL cats,

cats, The meaning of life

Twerking

ISIS

Perhaps some other words are jumping out at you? PYGMY MARMOSET ? RUTABAGA ? Sure, why not: type them onto your keyboard tool. This is called “research” and is often confiscated by people who make science. Research may take up to 24 hours in one sitting.

Take stock in your accomplishments

Goodness! Is that the time? It is already getting late and you have been sitting and drinking for a very long time. Your arteries now resemble squeezy-tube Go-Gurt. What an accomplishment! Pat yourself on the back, and then pat yourself on the shoulder because you realize how far away your back is. Today has been an odyssey of information. Your eyes are watering from the brightness of the screen, your index finger is in the late stages of rigor mortis, and your ass is shaped like a dehydrated apple ring. Well done, you!

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Keep this routine up and you’ll have a trilogy under your belt in no time. You will need to acquire a belt for the previous sentence to come true. Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and a day wasn’t really built by anyone. Also, pants are highly overrated, NO ONE can make you shower, and everyone’s lives and everything said to you is solely to aid your writing in accordance with cosmic law. The two times a year you encounter other people, remind them that you are a writer, dammit, and that’s why you have half a Chipotle burrito on the front of your pool tarp. Go ahead, have another gas can of coffee and fart out those blockbusters. The world is waiting!