ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A NATIONAL CARRIER PIDGEON network (NCPN) is planning to give the Abbott government’s National Broadband Network a run for its money. Using a team of nearly a thousand homing birds, the NCPN says it will provide a more reliable and cheaper communications service which will be available to Australians much sooner than the proposed fibre-to-node plan.

“At the moment, we plan to use the birds to carry a 64GB USB flash drive between us and our clients,” said NCPN programme director Clark Bellern. “Once the bird arrives back from the client, we will pop the USB in the mail and send it on to wherever it needs to go.”

This bold and drastic new plan comes after continued delays and setbacks associated with the current Turnbull-endorsed scheme, which has come under fire from every direction. Since winning power two years ago, the government has repeatedly ignored the advice of experts and digital architects – choosing only to listen to their accountants.

Clark Bellern launched his pigeon network today in a series of bold and daring stunts, which he says proves that his network will be far superior to the NBN.

“One of our launch partners, Beetlefield Radiology, gave us the task of sending a series of medical images from Sydney to Perth today,” he said. “I’m pleased to say that Derek, one of our fastest pigeons, picked up the USB loaded with the files and arrived back at our processing centre just moments ago. The USB is now on its way to Perth via registered post,”

“It’ll be there on Friday… maybe Monday. I dunno.”

The move toward homing pigeons comes at a time in Australian history where every day is a flashback Thursday. Just yesterday, the government breathed fresh air into its immigration policy by planning to implement a policy that was popular during the First World War – which incidentally was the golden age of the carrier pigeon.

However, the NCPN has been slapped with a legal challenge by the communications department, saying that the scheme doesn’t have the required licencing to begin operating as a communications entity. In response to the expected rise in pigeon air traffic, the department has entered into a de facto agreement with the defence force to shoot homing pigeons out of the skies.

“I can confirm that enforcement officers will be patrolling known pigeon routes,” said Captian Daniel Clock from Sydney’s Victoria Barracks. “If I or any of my team see a pigeon flying overhead with a USB tied to its feet, we will commence a surface-to-air engagement,”

The High Court challenge against the government is rumoured to have been bankrolled by commentating pigeon magnate Bill Lawry, who loves pigeons.