Here it is on a Sunday evening and I am sitting here watching my husband sleep. Which I am ok with. He is trying to struggle with his current job to try to transition from years in the Marine Corps to now transition to driving CDL (commercial driving) for a living.

I recently had a big explosion of feelings return to me after speaking to my biological father on the phone. Well lets just say it was more of an argument. I had seriously swallowed my pride to call him and ask him if he would please help our daughter with her college tuition. She needs $3139 to be able to officially start. If she doesn’t pay this and start she would be forfeiting 4 years worth of merit scholarships worth $56,000. She still owes $14,000 for her first year tuition. Which I am still not understanding how FAFSA determines the amounts they give students.

So we had already submitted for specific scholarships we knew she fit their requirements. But some how along the way when we moved from a Dept of Defense school to a public school within the county we currently live something went wrong. We know the state started using a new software system. Which delayed the school even entering the information from the previous school. On top of that…she has attended a school within this county years ago in elementary school. So she should have had a permanent folder somewhere. No…they somehow lost it and somehow say the only Kayla Watson they had was 22 years old. Yet we have records of our own but that did them no good. So we had to wait until the software was corrected. Problem was there were deadlines for these scholarships. We had to end up sending a transcript from her precious school and the schedule from the new school. When the school submitted her information somehow that messed up her GPA. Which left her ineligible for BETA. One of the big issues myself and my husband had when she graduated was she looked as if she had done nothing at all her entire high school career. This was and is most definitely farthest from the truth. She was involved in Student Government, established the first ever Dept of Defense Special Olympics Project Unify Buddy Club, countless volunteer hours (majority were not even documented). She volunteered for a local special needs community dance, youth coach for Special Olympics, Special Olympics Project Unify Unified Athlete for volleyball and tennis. She spoke as a youth leader at summits for Special Olympics Project Unify. She was the one talking to educators. Yet now that it is her time to shine the help isn’t there for her. I was beyond determined to get this girl into college so that is why I just swallowed my pride and called my bio father.

During the phone call he made a comment that hit me in the gut. He stated that the stuff I have gone through was my fault. All I heard at that point was my fault. I felt like I was re-living the detective tell me “if I hang with dogs I get fleas” when I was trying to get a rape kit done and report my rape. He said if I had just gone with him when he found me at the abuser’s home. He seems to think that if I would have just let with him that my son would not be “special needs”. I tried to tell him even if I had left with him that would not have changed the outcome of my son’s “special needs”. After I hung up with him I had a burst of anger and pain rush over me. The fact that one particular rape has the evidence kit yet not prosecuted is a huge disappointment. The feeling you go through just having to be examined for evidence for a rape kit to have it make no difference at all for your own justice is in one word DEMEANING (well actually I can say it in more than one word but what comes to mind when I sit here at the computer is just that).

I hate that feeling. I mean the guy got away with raping me just as the cop got away with not doing his job. On top of that him telling me that he didn’t have enough evidence to prosecute…someone push the BULLSHIT button cause that there is full of it. But you know karma has a way of revealing itself overtime. It may not come when you want it but it will indeed come. I know my bio father is an asshole, who deserves none of the love I have to give. Hell…he denied he even had a daughter for years. When I worked for him I can remember a guy coming in and I introduced myself to him and then the guy asked if there was any relation to my bio. I said yes, his daughter. He then said my bio’s name and said he only had a son. I said, no he also had a daughter. But you know it’s whatever. I don’t expect anything from this man at all.

Even though I don’t expect anything from him I still asked for the sake of my daughter’s college aspirations.

In the end, it was still a no. I am hoping for an eleventh hour miracle that can reassure us that my daughter’s passions have merit.