Get ready for funkyzeit as Austria's greatest fashionista arrives on the big screen this week. But how would Bruno advise Gordon Brown, style Obama and deal with the BNP? We found out

Bruno – it's just Bruno – has four major loves in his life: fashion, celebrities, entertainment and homosexuality (his and everyone else's). It is, perhaps unsurprisingly, the latter that gets Sacha Baron Cohen's Austrian TV reporter into the most trouble. If you thought Borat bringing a plastic bag full of his own excrement to the table was uncomfortable, imagine how the people of Fort Smith in Arkansas felt when they'd bought $5 tickets for a Redneck Rumble only to see Bruno and another chap strip down to their smalls and get it on. Cohen, almost unbelievably, is still alive and his film is set to be the feel-dirty hit of the summer. But upsetting stupid people is easy- what's hard is bringing real and lasting change to the world. So how would Bruno solve some of this season's biggest issues?

Hello Bruno, how are you?

For a herpes-free 19-year-old with a perfect body, ich am pretty good – alzo ich have lost ein gramme since ich last weighed meinself an hour ago.

What are you wearing?

On my feet, a pair of powder blue Cavalli snakeskin courier boots, on my legs, a pair of low-rise velvet Vivienne Westwood culottes und on my chest, ze sweat und "manmilch" of a Cuban roomservice waiter named César.

Be honest: could the Guide get away with it?

Ich don't think so; César is pretty choosy, he is not like some dog marking his territory.

That Eminem incident … we think he looked dangerously aroused. What about you?

Ja he vas very aroused. Let me tell you, the real Slim Shady vas beginning to stand up. Ich vas not so bothered. Ich vish ich had landed on Kanye Vest und he had assumed ze role of ein "Bruno Digger".

The British political scene is in crisis, MPs have never been so reviled. How would you restore confidence?

Ich do not like to talk about politics. Ze last time an Austrian got involved in politics it resulted in ein horrific var, which resulted in ze annihilation of all major European fashion shows for six years. Ich know it's controversial – but in my opinion – Hitler vas a bit of a bitch. I know someone who vas ze grandson of his personal assistant; apparently behind ze scenes he vas a real tyrant. Vorse zan Elton!

The ex-home secretary's husband tried to claim his adult movie habit on expenses. He watched Raw Meat 3 – do you know it?

Nein, ich do not vatch adultmovies. If ich am feeling horny ich vatch Daniel Radcliffe movies. Zey are best watched on DVD vhen ich can pause it, und not run ze risk of accidentally finishing meinself off vhen ze old vizard ist on the screen.

Britain is about to be taken, if not roundly thrashed, by a group of smooth-cheeked public school boys. What should we do?

If you're you are not into ze spanking, pull out ein dildo. Most guys will run quicker zan an Austrian child who has just found ze door to his dungeon unlocked.

How should Gordon Brown improve his YouTube hit count?

Lose ze grimacing: he has ze sort of creepy smile zat makes you check your drink for Rohypnol! He alvays looks so sad – ich think he needs some new batteries in his love eggs und ein makeover. He needs to go in some skinny jeans, und change his name to "DJ Shadow". Und get some shpray tan – hello.

The crypto-fascists of the BNP are on the rise in our country. Do you have a message for them?

It is the wrong vay to get your message across! Look at Adolf, everyone remembers him for ze invading und ze fighting. No one remembers his bold use of colours and inventive accessorising. Or ze fact zat he could co-ordinate zose big shows vith thousands of people und hundreds of costume changes. Let me tell you, if Donatella Versace had been in charge of ze Nuremberg Rally, it vould have been a disaster! Ich have seen zese angry men mit zere shaven heads hanging abaus outside gay clubs. Too scared to come in. Ich says zere's plenty of room in ze Jacuzzi for all types of guys. Not all gays like immigrants you know, so it's no big deal, vassever.

Quantitative easing – is it a good thing?

Is this ze new colonic process? Ich think Gwyneth Paltrow vas talking about zis. Zey flood your arschenhalle vith yoghurt und you vear ein nappy for a veek vhile it seeps out. Nicht for Bruno.

How do you feel about Barack Obama's first 100 days?

He has been OK, but Bruno vould have liked it more if he'd have set up en actual Fashion Police Department vith full powers of arrest. Zey should be able to baton-charge anyone in sweatpants.

Would you style him differently?

Ja, ich vould set that hot body free from its prison made of suits! He should follow Bruno's rule: treat your clothes like you would do a pet. Love zem for a week, zen stick zem in a zip-up bag und throw zem in ze Danube. Then again Obama has to vear ein suit, or else zose gay marines who guard him vould be all over him like puppies on ein dropped ice cream.

Are you planning more Prop 8 demonstrations?

Of course! It is disgusting zat gay people don't have the same rights as straights: the right to be trapped in a loveless sex-free marriage that ends in a massive legal fight over a house. And as for kids, why shouldn't gays be able to adopt? Ein Third World baby is zis season's must-have accessory, and it is discrimination to deny zem this.

Could you design a car that would save General Motors?

Ich had a dream about a car made of denim! Great for parking, you just fold it up and put it in a bag. If ich had to design ein car ich vould start mit ze driver und zen accessorise. You vould build your own car every morning like you build your look for ze day. You're vearing platforms – make ze seat higher; going to ein fetische party – build it from wipe-clean PVC.

Is Bin Laden right? Is Obama antagonising Muslims?

Zose Al Qaida guys are so touchy! But then if all ich had to vear vas a black sheet und some sandals, I vould blow myself up too.

How would you tackle the Taliban's takeover of Pakistan's Swat region?

All ze problems in ze vorld and ze politicians just stumble around avoiding ze obvious solution – call Bono.

How will Bruno The Movie get around China's internet ban?

Ze Chinese abuse of ze internet sickens me: everyone should have ze right to use it for vas intended for – porn und looking at how fat Britney's got. If zey don't allow access to mein movie via ze internet, then I suggest ein United Nations airdrop of it. Zis is ein humanitarian crisis und ve need to act now. Und vhile zey're about it zey should drop ze Chinese some decent clothes. Zey all dress like zey are all still vorking on ein Olympic stadium building site.

Dubstep and electro-pop is the sound of the UK's summer. What's rocking Bruno's iPod right now?

Ich have ein really vide taste in music – everything from early-90s techno to mid-90s dance. Ich like literally everything from Aqua to Scooter. Recently ich have got into Pink – he's so hunky! Ich have several playlischts on mein iPod – Chillaus, Maximum Techno Love Party, und Bulimian Rhapsodies – zis is actually just Paris Hilton's album on repeat. Brings up ze cookies every time.

What three changes would you make you heal the world?

* Ban ze elasticating of jean vaists.

* Free colonic hoses on street corners.

* Make Karl Lagerfeld head of ze UN – he got Tyra Banks to appear on ze same runvay as Naomi, he could easily fix ze Middle East.