THE HEAVENS—Noting the ancient divine being’s “absolutely killer” abs and pectorals served as the ideal body transformation for Him, The Lord God Almighty pinned up a hunky picture of Mesopotamian hunting deity Ninurta as an inspiration to start working out, heavenly sources confirmed Friday. “Every bicycle crunch I do, I’ll come up and see this shot of Ninurta looking completely ripped, and it just keeps my motor going, y’know?” said He Who Commanded Light To Shine Out Of Darkness, stressing that visualizing Himself with even a fraction of the Mesopotamian’s omnipotence gave Him the self-confidence and dedication needed to really dig in, cut His carb intake, and focus on sculpting His core. “It’s not like I’m ever going to be built enough to be lugging stones around to create the Tigris and Euphrates. But honestly, I’ve never fantasized about being that beefy. Just kind of trim. And whenever I’m wiped from doing farmer’s walk-squat combos around St. Peter’s Gate, I just think about how much those reps probably helped Ninurta chase down the Anzû bird after it stole the Tablet of Destinies. Man, that guy was such a total beast.” At press time, God admitted He was planning the training regime expressly to address the embarrassing weight gain He had experienced from the stress of having His first Son.

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