When I was a kid I was obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine. So much so, I still watch it on YouTube when I’m drunk 25 years later.

As a child I considered it my most boyish of interests – over my sister’s Barbies, anyway. Now I look back and see the show for what it really was: a surreal, non-PC insight into my future gay life. For me, it was Queer As Folk for kids.

In my view, it’s crammed with sexual subtext and innuendo – like so much kids’ entertainment.

Here, we imagine the storylines of Thomas and Friends if it were a grown up gay drama featuring plenty of horrifying gay stereotypes…

1 Thomas the Tank Engine – the everygay (i.e. Patrick from Looking, Tom Daley)

Cute, compelling, naive: we all know a Thomas. Like all the best protagonists, he ends up center of attention without even trying. I mean, he’s the show’s most iconic character, but he didn’t even feature in the original book… He’s basically the hot, young, selfie-obsessed scenester who dresses entirely in high street and irks the likes of Henry and Gordon by stealing the limelight. And he’s clearly shunting Percy.

Likes: smooth. Dislikes: bad lighting.

2 Edward the Really Useful Engine – the handsome best friend you’ve dated/slept with

Edward and Thomas: good together on paper, but better off as friends. They’re both sweet and kind, have loads in common, and look so alike, they could be boyfriend twins. But ultimately, they need each other’s friendship: just look at all the narcissistic sociopaths on the tracks!

Likes: the countryside. Dislikes: hook ups – dates only please.

3 Henry the Green Engine – the vile queen

Speaking of narcissists… Acidic Henry is the kind of gay who constantly bitches about others and is obsessed with his appearance. But there’s no gym for the face, is there Henry?. He has an inferiority complex of Gordon, who he dated way back when, and still lusts after. So he takes his disappointment in life out on smaller, hotter engines like Thomas and Edward.

Likes: vintage Kylie, garish shades of green. Dislikes: smiling.

4 Gordon the Big Engine – the big daddy

Just look at that intense, furrowed brow. Big, strong, and fantastically grumpy, Gordon’s the older guy you know is bad for you – but you just can’t say no. An aggressive top. Thomas has probably been there a few times.

Likes: power. Dislikes: everything else.

5 James the Red Engine – the hunk with an attitude problem

Ah, James. He’s one of Scruff’s most-woofed trains, but he’s a bit basic. His heart’s in the right place, but he’s hostile because he isn’t entirely at ease with his sexuality. As such, he turns his nose up at anything stereotypically camp. But if he were human, he’d secretly listen to Ariana Grande when masturbating. Has shared a shed with Thomas and Gordon.

Likes: masc. Dislikes: anyone who doesn’t look like him. Tram, diesel and steam engines, Harold the Helicopter etc…

6 Percy the Small Engine – the twink with the cheeky personality

Percy’s clearly the hottest engine – he has a six-pack without even trying! (I’m not high while writing this, I swear.) As the most energetic and youthful engine, he competes on various gay sports teams. Clearly, he and Thomas are meant to be together; theirs is the love story for the ages. Or perhaps James gets involved and a love triangle evolves? Or the three of them form a doomed, polyamorous relationship? We’ll take whatever drama, just so long as he and Thomas end up together.

Likes: being short – he makes it work. Dislikes: topping.

7 Toby the Tram Engine – the queer hipster

As the only tram engine on the Island of Sodor, Toby’s got that certain something you can’t put your finger on. He’s the quiet guy standing in the corner who catches your eye with his sweet smile.

He’s intelligent, loves foreign language films and gets the most fired up about LGBTI issues. We can see him ending up with Oliver after romancing Thomas (who clearly gets around) and Percy. If he were a person he’d have a beard, wear brown corduroy trousers and always carry a book. Bisexual, but nobody ever thinks to ask.

Likes: a slower pace of life. Dislikes: reality TV, Donald Trump.

8 Duck the Great Western Engine – the camp, foppish gay

Is it just us, or does Duck have a slight Oscar Wilde quality about him? The dashing debonair is the most educated engine, and can often be found having intellectual discussions about trans rights and the meaning of sexual fluidity with Toby. We imagine he was raised by lesbian mothers: one a hippy, one a banker. If Duck were a person he’d wear frilled designer shirts, neckerchiefs and have long, perfectly curly hair.

Likes: long-distance travel. Dislikes: basic bitches.

9 (and 10) Donald and Douglas – hot Scottish gay identical twins

We repeat: hot Scottish gay identical twins. Enough said.

11 Oliver – the train next door

Oliver’s the kind of train you dismiss when you first meet him. In the show, he’s almost sent to the scrapyard. He’s got a big nose, always puts others first and is just a bit, well, drab. But then, one day, he gets a new coat of paint, and you realise what an arrogant A-hole you’ve been. He’s actually all kinds of amazing. But by then it’s too late because he’s already ended up with Toby; he’s the only train good enough for him.

Likes: open-minded. Dislikes: judgemental trains.

12 Diesel – the kinky fetishist

Diesel’s filthy – literally. In the show, he’s commonly depicted as a villain, but we think he’s simply misunderstood. Yes, he enjoys some acquired tastes, but what’s the big deal? If you actually get to know him, you’ll find there’s more to him than meets the eye. He’s probably an amazing poet or something.

Likes: dom/sub roleplay. Dislikes: 50 Shades of Grey.

13 Daisy – the drag queen

Thomas and Friends is often derided by parents for its classist, racist and sexist undertones. And as much as it pains us to take one of the show’s only early female characters (although Mavis was amazing) and claim her as a gay man, we don’t feel we have a choice. Daisy is fucking fierce. In the show she even describes herself as ‘highly strung and right up to date!’ Get her on RuPaul’s Drag Race immediately.

Likes: nice interiors, a bead of tinted moisturiser in the morning. Dislikes: untucked, crusty wigs.

14 The Fat Controller – needs no explanation

His real name’s Sir Topham Hat, for Christ’s sake.