Henry had struggled to maintain healthy relationships for years—all because of a secret fetish: He was turned on by wearing diapers filled with his own poop. The desire to defecate in diapers filled his thoughts throughout the day and when he gave in to it, the smell made it difficult to hide, causing shame and anxiety.

But, at the age of 37, Henry found a way to manage his unique urges: For two hours on Saturdays, he allows himself to unashamedly have diaper-time. Then he cleans himself up and resumes his otherwise normal life. The practice has enabled him to have both a healthy, loving, relationship and hold a job for the first time.

Henry’s is one of the success stories shared by Norwegian sex psychologists Esben Esther Pirelli Benestad, Elsa Almas, and Kaethe Weingarten in a new paper that pushes for a new approach to sexual behaviors considered to be socially deviant.

In their paper, published in the peer-reviewed Journal of Narrative Therapy & Community Work, Benestad, Almas, and Weingarten build on the framework developed by sex psychologist John Money—the renowned father of “fuckology”who paved the way for better discourse on sex—and argue that sexual preferences like Henry’s can be compared to learning languages:

John Money uses the metaphor of language to suggest that there is a preparedness in the nervous system to develop sexual patterns as individual lovemaps, preferably according to hereosexual norms. In our use of the metaphor we are interested in the brain’s ability to develop different languages depending on where we live. John Money is looking at the preparedness to develop native language; we are looking at the ability to develop many different languages. Of course, the effects of the ways in which people practice their sexuality is not neutral, parallel to language that can also be practiced in abusive ways.

With this approach, they emphasize that rather than trying to “cure” certain sexual drives, they can be addressed by offering safe ways of administering them and helping people learn new ways experience arousal—especially for those who have desires that are dangerous.

“It is important to see that all kinds of sexual expressions can be perverted or managed in unhealthy abusive or criminal ways,” they explain. Rather than approaching one kind of preference as wrong and another as right, they say it’s more about how that urge is acted upon.

This approach might better enable counselors to help clients contain their urges and handle them in ways that are both healthier and safer.

“In general patterns of human behavior need to be cultivated,” they write. “That is best done in an atmosphere of openness, trust and mutual understanding.”

Benestad, Almas, and Weingarten have called for greater acceptance of divergent sexual patterns in order to help reduce negative outcomes—for both the person and the objects of their desire:

“The more uncommon, illegal, or dangerous the pattern is the more there will be shame and silence, and the more others will decide the practices are pathological. The most likely result for those with these practices is shame and secrecy; those who practice these kinds of turn-on patterns are less likely to get help to transform these practices into channels that are acceptable and safe for themselves and others.”

The researchers focus on how urges are originally triggered and then work to help clients bring about resolution, primarily to diminish shame and stigma. For Henry, he had been neglected as a child and had turned a traumatic experience into a stimulating one. Learning about the root of his desires helped put him at ease and ultimately build tools to overcome his impulses.

Others had triggers that were based on more positive experiences.

Tom, who they describe as “a happy man with a twinkle in his eye,” gets turned on specifically by strong women wearing rain boots. In other words, “a rainy day and a visit to a farm is a day of erotic joy for Tom.”

Eventually the team was able to uncover a happy memory Tom had of working on his uncle’s farm when he was 11. After work one day, his older female cousins decided to go for a swim in a nearby lake:

“The sturdy farm girls undressed and were naked. He pauses as he tells us this and exclaims, ‘Now I see how I learned this language!'”