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Probably the worst enemy the church has ever had is butts.

Female butts, specifically, because that is where sin comes from.

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At the beginning of time, when the first humans walked out of Eden, a bunch of mean old Christian school teachers were standing there to make sure no butt cheeks were hanging out of Adam and Eve’s animal skin clothes.

The Christian school teachers were like “We need to talk to your parents, who are they?” so Adam was like “God, and He’s in there,” and then Adam pointed back to the Garden of Eden. But because of the angel with the flaming sword, the teachers couldn’t go inside Eden, and they were forced to wander the earth for all eternity, just worryin bout butts, and they are still at it, to this very day.

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An important first step is to understand the different types of Butt Sin.

BUTT SIN#1: LUST

The most common type of Butt Sin is the lust kind. This is where a boy sees a girl’s body and thinks about sex, and it is always the girl’s fault, even though boys think about sex all the time, even when their eyes are closed, but whatever.

Probably the most dangerous lust situation in all of history is church youth group events that involve swimming. This is why all the leaders of Christianity came together at the Diet of Augsburg and invented the Shorts Over One Piece rule for Christian girls. And Josh Harris was there, and he saw that it was good.

Making girls wear shorts over their swimsuits was very effective, because it stopped Christian boys from ever thinking about sex. But what about adult women? The church had to stay one step ahead of horny dudes, and this is why James Dobson called the Council of Nicaea. After a month of intense meetings, the leaders of the Church unveiled their newest weapon in the war against Butt Sin:

Mom Jeans.

Mom Jeans were a special kind of pants for Christian women that completely camouflaged the location of the butt. Men were totally at a loss: how could they lust after what they could not locate?

For a while, everything was fine. But Satan is crafty, and he invented a demonic ritual called “yoga” to destroy America through Butt Sin. And even though Albert Mohler told them not to, Christian women were all like “Lemme yoga” and Satan was all like “sure, put on these special pants” and then it was danger time, because the pants were made specifically for Butt Sin.

And then God raised up an army of blog prophets to remind everyone that yoga pants were sinful. And then other bloggers fought back, and it was the Great Butt Schism of 2015.

It looked like the schism would tear Christianity apart, like the time DC Talk broke up, but I have been informed that God has a plan:

BUTT SIN #2: SEX (maybe)

Another kind of Butt Sin is the sex kind. Maybe. This kind of Butt Sin is disputed.

For a long time, leaders in the Church said that sex should only be used for making babies. This was because the leaders were jealous of the people having sex, and wanted everyone to be as horny as they were, or something. Anyway, this caused a lot of problems because there have always been Christians who enjoy the types of sex that don’t make babies, such as the Potluck, the Church Picnic, and the Elders’ Meeting.

Then a pastor named Mark Driscoll wrote a book with his wife in which they said that all these non-babymaking kinds of sex are okay, and also that something called Anal Sex is okay, too. As I am an innocent homeschooler, I was not familiar with this “Anal Sex,” so I asked my wife, and she told me it is a special kind of love for mommies and daddies who vote Democrat. So there you go—you learn something new every day.

BUTT SIN #3: Man Butt Sin

[This means exposed crack or farting in church.]

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For a while in college, when I lived in Michigan, I attended a small charismatic church. It was here that I met Gordon.

Gordon was a fat man who was very hairy, with a shaggy mullet and bushy eyebrows and a wild, unkempt mustache that covered his mouth from view. His eyes were small and beady, like marbles wedged into the folds of his face.

And Gordon, bless his heart, had problems with Butt Sin. During the praise and worship he would stand in the second row with his hands behind his back, swaying back and forth and blasting out gas that created a kill zone of two pews in every direction where no one dared sit. And if you don’t think passing gas in church is the worst kind of Butt Sin, you and I are on different exegetical wavelengths. During the sermon Gordon would sit very politely, never reading along in a Bible but just staring blankly ahead. In the pauses where “amens” are periodically required from a charismatic congregation, Gordon was a constant threat to signal his approval with a fart.

Also relevant: Gordon was insane. He would corner my 12-year-old brother and mumble on and on about some mythical property he owned in the Okefenokee Swamp where he buried the bodies of all the people he’d killed. So, I guess what I’m saying is, Butt Sin can really take you down a dark path.

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Butt Sin, Volume Two

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