Manchester UTD are today mourning season ticket holder Andy Fagan, who tragically died of boredom having slipped into a coma earlier this month. Mr Fagan brings to seven the number of fans who have died of boredom this season at Old Trafford.

Sideways Shit

“I just can’t believe he’s gone,” said best pal Donald Murphy. “One minute we’re sitting in the North Stand, bored to tears. Next thing Andy says, ‘what is this sideways shit?’, and he sort of slumped forward and went crosseyed.”

Mr Murphy beckoned some nearby paramedics, but there was little they could do.

“Andy fought them off,” Murphy told Soccer on Sunday. “He’d come around a bit, see the pitch again and push away the paramedics. It’s like he wanted to go into the light.”

Brown Carnage

According to physician Jane Smith of the Royal Manchester hospital, the symptoms of football boredom are particularly gruesome.

“Essentially, the brain commits suicide,” Smith told Soccer on Sunday. “It detaches from the skull, and starts to make its way down the windpipe until the patient chokes on their own brain. Then the bowels go and it’s brown carnage.”

For their part, the FA have insisted upon inclusion of health warnings on UTD’s match-day tickets, the full-text of which reads:

WARNING: Awful, slow, boring sideways football can cause serious injury, and even death

Under-fire boss Louis Van Gaal is philosophical about the rash of fan deaths, and is adamant that he will not alter his coaching style.

“If you want me to entertain, I can put on a skirt and swivel my hips like Britney Aguilera,” Van Gaal told Soccer on Sunday. “But if you want me to draw football matches without goals, then we must expect some fans to die. This is normal.”