My life has been reduced to a perpetual game of Whack-a-Mole. One twin goes down, the other one pops up, and the big brother has started sleepwalking, just to keep things loose around here.

Most days I can’t be sure if I ever brushed my teeth. Other days I can’t remember if I showered. Mind your distance.

“Wow, it’s not even 2 o’clock yet? That was a fast feeding.” The forbidden words. Don’t even think them.

Trader Joe’s frozen meals are a blessing.

The only thing more alarming than the number of diapers we’re going through is the number of wipes we’re going through.

When my first son was born, we binge-watched multiple seasons of high-quality TV shows like Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones. Now we’re watching last week’s Masters of Sex in 10-minute increments.

What, did you FORGET how to use a pacifier?! It’s a skill you pretty much mastered at 4 days old.

This is not doable.

Parents of singletons are amateurs. This is The Show.

How did we ever think we were too busy to do anything before kids?

Repeat after me: “Don’t Google ‘adoption.'”

Sometimes I forget where I put one of the twins.

Feeding them again is never the wrong thing to do. OK, sometimes it is, but I’m all out of ideas.

The ability to breastfeed is akin to a superpower. It’s basically like Rogue from X-Men in reverse.

I hope my wife remembers to put her shirt back on before she goes to get the newspaper.

My son agrees: “Mommy, you should put your shirt on before you bring me to school. My teacher doesn’t want to see that!”

Time passes so slowly during the day and so unbelievably, painfully quickly at night.

They’re lucky they’re cute, because their personalities leave a lot to be desired.

I’m pretty sure this baby is possessed. The sounds coming out of him are … unnatural.

College is going to be free in the future, right? I mean, it has to be.

Why should I even bother washing the spit-up off my hands at this point?

Meh … this shirt is still good.

Yes, there was poop, but it was so little that I didn’t think it was worth it to change her diaper yet.

Don’t we have another kid around here somewhere?