Conan O'Brien Hates My Homeland The Complete Archive Last updated August 11, 2007

Awhile ago, Conan did a bit where he showed fake Euro coins. One of those coins made fun of the Ukraine, which provoked a lot of angry letters. Here's the interesting part: those letters were from the Ukraine. Conan had no idea that Late Night was aired in the Ukraine, and began to wonder where else he was on. You would think he could just ask NBC, but they won't tell him, because then they'd have to pay him more.



There is just one way to find out, and that is to viciously insult every nation in the world, and see which ones he gets letters from.

The Euro coin that started it all

Afghanistan

The bad news is, there's a new article about everyone farming opium.

The good news is, you can't read.

Albania

The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.

Algeria

It took you eight years to beat France.

Andorra

How does it feel, being Luxembourg's bitch?

Angola

Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate.

Azerbaijan

Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals.

The Bahamas

It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish.

Bahrain

A thriving centre of trade and culture... until 2000 BC!

Bangladesh

If you can hear this, your television isn't underwater. Congratulations!

Barbados

There simply isn't a more beautiful island... to sail by on your way to Jamaica.

Belarus

Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool.

Belgium

The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium.

Belize

Get your camera; they're paving a road!

Benin

Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you'll be as rich as Rwanda.

Bhutan

So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?"

Bolivia

Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the goverment.

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.

Botswana

Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35.

Brazil

Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants.

Brunei

If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it's chicken smuggling.

Bulgaria

So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs.

Burkina Faso

In the traditional tribal language, that's Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso."

Burma

The bad news is, you've got rampant malaria.

The good news is, it doesn't stop the kids from making those shirts.

Burundi

All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up.

Cambodia

How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn't listening?

Cameroon

Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie... with a longer life expectancy!

Canada

With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!

Cape Verde

Millions visit your island nation... to refuel their planes!

Central African Republic

So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me."

Chad

Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival.

Chile

The good news is, it's finally legal to get a divorce.

The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert?

China

If you're gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.

Colombia

You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.

Comoros

On a list of the world's purchasing power, you're ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries?

Democratic Republic of Congo

Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade.

Republic of Congo

Without you, who would the elephants trample?

Costa Rica

Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads.

Cote D'Ivoire

Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare?

Croatia

Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people.

Cuba

Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft.

Cyprus

Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos.

Czech Republic

The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story.

Denmark

Too bad you can't build a warm, sunny day out of Legos.

Djibouti

Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia.

Dominica

Where the national catchphrase is "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to interrupt your armed robbery."

Dominican Republic

The perfect place for anyone who's ever asked themself "Where'd my car go?"

East Timor

It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor.

Ecuador

Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket.

Egypt

Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum.

El Salvador

Where no resumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad."

Equatorial Guinea

Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves... I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh*

Eritrea

You only have one TV station, but cheer up - it's got locust reports on the eights!

Estonia

Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that's not an alcoholic.

Ethiopia

I can't do this one, let's move on.

Fiji

If you're visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, 'cause it's the best way to flee cannibals.

Finland

We're so dumb, we can't wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front.



You've had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world's most famous Finn is still Huckleberry.

France

You gave us the term "deja vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you've been obnoxious and arrogant before. Deja vu!"

(Wait a miniute, this is France, so I think I can't do just one.)



France

Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You're number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis.

Gabon

You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo."

The Gambia

The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We've got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels."

Georgia

Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don't we both dump our crap here?"

Germany

The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff."

Ghana

The 'h' is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What's worthwhile about Ghana?"

Greece

Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed.

Grenada

When you're at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon.

Guatemala

Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!"

Guinea

Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they're actually from Peru.

Guinea-Bissau

The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts.

Guyana

The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery."

Haiti

You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires.

Hungary

Sure, your next-door neighbour Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don't forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage.

Iceland

I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?

India

A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.

Indonesia

This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election.

Iran

Just two more years 'til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day 'til you use it on a woman holding a beer.

Ireland

You know, there's a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job.

Israel

Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.

Italy

The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce."

Jamaica

Of course you've got an astronomical murder rate. You've had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years.

Japan

Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.

Jordan

Thanks to your country's progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off.

Kenya

It's a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you're one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65.

South Korea

Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour.

Kuwait

We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch.

Kyrgystan

If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."

Laos

You'll come for the early Asian ruins. You'll stay 'cause you've been stricken with avian bird flu.

Latvia

Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans.

Liberia

Are you bummed out 'cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it.

Luxembourg

Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity.

Malawi

Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.

Malaysia

Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.

Maldives

You'll come for the tropical climate. You'll stay 'cause you've been eaten by tiger sharks.

Mali

What's that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts!

Malta

Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers.

Marshall Islands

To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found.

Mexico

Look, there's an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him.

Monaco

Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money.

Mongolia

Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.

Mozambique

The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world.

The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven.

Myanmar

Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.

Nepal

Home to eight of the world's highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.

The Netherlands

Congratulations, you've turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke.

New Caledonia

Still a world leader in beach erosion.

Nicaragua

Come learn about the heritage of your nanny.

Nigeria

Where children come first... in the draft.

Norway

Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia... Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia!

Oman

As in "Oh man, I can't believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!"

Pakistan

Guess what? You're not worth jack-istan!

Palau

How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport.

How do you leave Palau? Through a shark's colon.

Panama

Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton.

Philippines

Mi casa es su landfill.

Poland

We'd write an insult about Poland, but they'd just send themselves the hate mail.

Romania

Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania."

Russia

The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits.

St. Kitts & Nevis

You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there's almost no one left to die during hurricane season.

Samoa

Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there.

Saudi Arabia

You'll come for the history, you'll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles.

Serbia

You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits?

Sierra Leone

You fought for the British in World War I, now you're fighting for your first working toilet.

Slovakia

In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two seperate parts: Slovakia, and the good part.

Somalia

Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there's plenty of rubble for everyone!

Spain

Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you're not. Hmm, that's strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap!

Sweden

Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome.

Syria

We haven't bombed you yet. Still, I'd hold off on any major contruction projects.

Taiwan

Oh wait, you're not a real country. You're China's bitch!

Tajikistan

Congratulations, you're where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves.

Thailand

Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they're willing to come out of retirement.

Togo

You've got it all... and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea.

Trinidad & Tobago

The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles.

Tunisia

Remember that scene in Star Wars when they're on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren't actors!

Turkey

Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on.

Turkmenistan

Why don't more people give their children Turkmen names? I don't know, let's ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov.

Turks & Caicos

Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort.

Uganda

Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous?

United Arab Emirates

You're remarkably tolerant on women's rights: you let them drive a car to their stoning.

United Kingdom

The sun never sets on the United Kingdom, and it never rose on British dentistry.

Uzbekistan

You've got a novel way to fight corruption: you don't have anything worth stealing!

Vanuatu

You have more than a hundred local languages; in other words, over a hundred ways to say "Hey, remember when Survivor was here?"

Vietnam

Come and reunite your sneakers with the eight-year-olds who made them.

Virgin Islands

Well you wouldn't be, if you weren't so damn ugly.

Wallis & Fortuna

The reason for your people's long lifespan? Not even Death knows where the hell you are!