While the death of Osama bin Laden marks a tremendous achievement for the United States, military officials report that the War on Terror is far from over. Lieutenant Colonel Bradley Connors told the White House press corps, “bin Laden knew al Qaeda’s mission would continue long after his death, so he split his soul into seven pieces, or Horcruxes, in the hopes of regaining strength and one day reclaiming leadership of the radical movement. Special task forces have been dispatched throughout the Middle East that are working around the clock to find and destroy the Horcruxes so that we can put an end to bin Laden once and for all.”

Connors went on to explain that the hunt for Horcruxes, a highly classified operation until now, began several years ago when President Bush launched an invasion of Iraq in an attempt to find bin Laden’s first Horcrux – a weapon of mass destruction. “Though people criticized the administration for the Iraqi invasion, it was a crucial first step in our hunt for Horcruxes. Even though the WMD eluded us, we discovered the identity of three other Horcruxes, including a can of Four Loko, a three ounce bottle of some type of liquid or gel, and bin Laden’s favorite shower loofah. Because of these intelligence breakthroughs, we were able to prevent airport travelers and irresponsible college students from unwittingly ingesting or transporting a piece of bin Laden’s soul.”

President Obama has promised that terrorism will be over once the seven Horcruxes are found and destroyed. However, there has only been speculation about where the remaining Horcruxes may be. Many government intelligence officials are convinced that Sarah Palin and Donald Trump both may be harboring parts of the soul of Osama.

“The administration understands the need for decisive action in the coming weeks,” assures Connors, “Once these final Horcruxes are destroyed, the threat of Osama and his terrorist followers will finally be demolished, ending the menace of terrorism to freedom-loving peoples around the globe.”

While the military is working to complete the search, Hollywood has started production on a feature length film: Barack Obama and the Prisoner of Abottobad.