ISFAHAN, IRAN—In the wake of President Trump’s announcement Tuesday that the United States would pull out of the international agreement to limit the Middle Eastern country’s program, Iranian nuclear scientist Ali Khatami was reportedly annoyed that he would have to return to his shitty old job building nuclear weapons. “Great, just what I wanted to do—go back to converting yellowcake into uranium hexafluoride all fucking day,” said a visibly irritated Khatami, adding that he wasn’t looking forward to being holed up in a newly reopened underground bunker, working overtime on the development of long-range ballistic missiles the way he always was before the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action was ratified. “This totally sucks. I hate the work, and the hours are fucking awful. And I’ll bet they’re bringing back my old dickhead boss who’s never satisfied no matter how much weapons-grade U-235 we crank out. I had just found a nice new position at a small research lab closer to my family, too. Oh, well, it’s got to get done, so back to the goddamn grind.” In related news, American nuclear scientist David Ebeling reported feeling pretty irritated that his weapons-production facility’s output goals had been raised yet again.

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