CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the mechanism behind the involuntary response commonly referred to as goosebumps is indeed a carbuncle-covered freak jerking off to a photo of you from the seventh grade,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Daniel Leahy, whose research suggests that the more numerous the goosebumps, the more vigorously the decrepit lunatic is pleasuring himself to snapshots of you moving into your first apartment. “Even something as minor as a gnarled old man leering at a series of photo booth pictures from one of your recent nights out is enough to produce a measurable effect on the skin. So any time you feel the hairs rising on the back of your neck, it is more than likely the case that somewhere out there a hunched-over cackling recluse is clutching one of your prom pictures and bringing himself to shuddering orgasm.” Leahy added that there is no need to worry, as goosebumps usually go away after the shriveled, grotesque man has finished, wiped the ejaculate off your graduation portrait, and placed it back in a shoe box he keeps at the foot of his bed.

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