We’re entering peak rumor season for the fall smartphones so it’s a great time to use them as a Rorschach test and see what forbidden secrets of your soul they reveal!

Writing for The Boy Genius Report, Zach Epstein describes the new hotness (WARNING: MAY ACTUALLY BURN YOU).

“Galaxy Note 8 leak: Key benchmark beats iPhone 7 Plus.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Matthew.)

Is the benchmark “thermal units generated”? Ha-ha! The Macalope jokes because the Galaxy Note 7 was a dangerous laughing stock of a phone, you see.

If Samsung’s upcoming Galaxy Note 8 doesn’t start exploding in users’ hands like last year’s Note model…

Then Apple is doomed all over again! Well, presuming they simply continue selling last year’s iPhone. Which seems likely, right? Probably. That’s probably what they’ll do.

Epstein, of course, knows that new iPhones are coming in the fall. After all, he’s only “reported” on the HORRIBLE PROBLEM WITH THE IPHONE 8’S BEZEL THAT MUST BE FIXED IMMEDIATELY EVEN THOUGH NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT IT’S GOING TO LOOK LIKE (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody) about 18 bajillion times.

…it’s looking increasingly likely that it will be one of the most impressive flagship phones the world has ever seen.

The two top phone makers are Apple and Samsung so, uh, yeah, it stands to reason that they’d both produce the most impressive flagship phones in the world.

The phone is expected to improve upon the bold new design first shown off on the Galaxy S8 and Galaxy S8+…

[sobs] I JUST LOVE SAMSUNG SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.

According to a new leak, the Galaxy Note 8 will also be a beast when it comes to performance.

Is this slashfic? ‘Cause it’s starting to read that way.

Each new flagship smartphone from Samsung is more powerful than the last, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that the Galaxy Note 8 will be a monster.

[Locks office door, scoots closer to desk.]

According to recent rumors…

…the Galaxy Note 8 has specs. They include several trade names and specific chip identifications. It’s very exciting.

Now, results from a key benchmark test have popped up online for a Samsung phone with the model number SM-N950F. You guessed it, that’s…

…Numberwang!

…the model number believed to be associated with the upcoming Galaxy Note 8.

The mystery phone scored a 488 out of 555 on one test — browser performance — while last year’s iPhone 7 Plus scored a 415.

From this we can infer that there is virtually no way for last year’s iPhone to compete with this phone, which may or may not be the Galaxy Note 8 which may or may not explode. Why, Apple would have to come out with some “new” phone about a month later to compete with it! Ridiculous.

While Samsung will undoubtedly take its time in order to ensure it doesn’t have another debacle on its hands like last year’s Note 7 recall, the company will also undoubtedly do everything in its power to release the Note 8 before Apple unveils the iPhone 8, iPhone 7s, and iPhone 7s Plus.

Which is exactly what led to the explodo-phone 2016 in the first place, so good luck with that.

Maybe it does say something that, when it comes to rumors about these phones, The Boy Genius Report’s takes are “THE GALAXY NOTE 8 IS BLAZING FAST” and “THE IPHONE 8 IS UGLY”. But what it’s saying is probably more about The Boy Genius Report than the phones.