>> UNLESS WE COME TOGETHER AS A COUNTRY AND HELP REFUGEES. >> BOOO, WENDY, TESS TESTABURGER. >> THEY ARE IN NEED OF NATIONAL PROTECTION. >> BOOO, WENDY. >> THE VAST MAJORITY OF REFUGEES WILL BENEFIT FROM -- >> BOOO, WENDY. LIAR. >> IN STEAD OF BOOOING MY OPINION WHY DON'T YOU MAKE A CONSTRUCTIVE ARGUMENT. >> NO ONE KNOWS WHAT A REFUGEE IS. >> BOOO. BOOO. >> MR. GARRISON CAN YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, PLEASE? MR. GARRISON. >> SORRY, WENDY. NICELY DONE. THANK YOU. NEXT REPORT LET'S HAVE PETER MULLEN. >> UGH, JESUS. >> MY REPORT IS ON THE VIAL AND DESPICABLE TRASH OUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING ON TELEVISION. FELLOW STUDENTS, THERE'S A PLAGUE OF SMUT ON OUR CABLE BOXES. SHOWS THAT FIGURE REENACTMENTS OF UNSOLVED CRIMES AND SPOUSAL HOMICIDE. I'M TALKING ABOUT MURDER PORN. >> MURDER PORN? >> THAT'S MORE LIKE IT. >> ACCORDING TO THE NEILSON RATINGS VIEWERSHIP IN SHORES LIKE COLD CASE FILES, DATE LINE MURDER AND DEADLY AFFAIRS IS SKY ROCKETING AMONG MARRIED COUPLES AND BROUGHT ON A NEW SLEW OF SHOWS THAT USE GRAPHIC SEX AND INNUENDO TO MAKE IT MORE TITILLATING LIKE SINFUL SECRET AND ON THE CASE WITH PAULA ZAHN AND IT'S SMUT AND GARBAGE AND IT'S TRASH! YOUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS STUFF. GO HOME AND ASK THEM. AND AS WE ASK THEM WE MUST ASK OURSELVES IF THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH THIS STUFF THEN HOW LONG. HOW LONG BEFORE ONE OF OUR DADDY'S DRESSED UP IN LINGERIE AND BASHES MOMMY'S HEAD IN WITH A BRICK? [ CLAPPING ]

[ KNOCKING ] >> WHO IS THAT? IT'S PROBABLY STAN. COME ON, BUD. HEY, STAN, WHAT'S UP. >> HIS WIFE IS HAVING SEX WITH THE NEIGHBOR AND WHEN HER HUSBAND COMES HOME HE WANTS MORE THAN JUST A DIVORCE. >> YOU GUYS ARE WATCHING MURDER PORN? >> MURDER PORN? STAN, THIS IS JUST AN INVESTIGATIVE CRIME SHOW. >> I DON'T LIKE DOCUMENTARIES. >> YEAH, STAN. THESE ARE BASED ON REAL THINGS LIKE NEWS. IT'S INFORMATIVE. PARENTS LIKE INFORMATIVE STUFF. >> OKAY. >> WE MISSED THE MURDER? DID HE CUT THEM UP? >> WHAT'S UP, DUDE? >> DUDE, YOU KNOW AARON HAGAN? >> YEAH, THE FIRST-GRADER? >> YOU SHOULD COME DOWN TO HIS HOUSE. HIS DAD JUST KILLED HIS MOM. >> WHAT? [ SIRENS ] [ WAILING ] [ SCREAMING ] >> HEY, THAT KID SHOULD NOT BE SEEING THIS. [ CRYING ] >> WHAT HAPPENED? >> YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE. LET ME GO. IT WASN'T ME I TELL YOU. A BURGLAR BROKE IN. HE WAS BLACK. HE STABBED THAT NAGGING BITCH IN HER FACE. HE WAS BLACK!

>> GUYS, GUYS, I KNOW WE'RE ALL CONCERNED BUT VERY TO WORK TOGETHER. >> HOW IS THIS STUFF ALLOWED TO STAY ON THE AIR? >> THE POLICE FOUND HOURS AND HOURS OF MURDER PORN ON THE HAGAN'S DVR. WHAT MORE DO WE NEED. >> I CALLED THEM ABOUT THE SMUT AND THEY TOLD ME IF I DIDN'T WANT MY PARENTS WATCHING I SHOULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM. LIKE IT'S MY FAULT. >> IT'S THE RESULT OF A BROKEN SOCIETY IN WHICH PROFIT COMES BEFORE MORALS. >> BOOO. BOOO, WENDY TESTABURGER, BOOO. >> I KNOW WE FEEL OUR HANDS ARE TIED BUT WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. THERE'S AN APP TO ALLOW KIDS TO BLOCK THINGS THEIR PARENTS WATCH ON TELEVISION AND IT'S PASSWORD PROTECT WILL WITH A SECURITY CODE ONLY A CHILD WOULD KNOW. >> TONIGHT AT 10:00 IT'S THE

TALE OF LOVE AND SEDUCTION AND MURDER AND THEN SOUTHERN FRIED HOMICIDE. BUT NOW GET READY FOR LUST, BETRAYAL AND MURDER ON HOT LOAD CASE FILES >> OH, YEAH, THREE OF THE BEST SHOWS IN A ROW. >> IS THE LUBE OVER THERE? >> IT'S OVER HERE. >> GET OVER HERE, BIG GUY. >> YEAH. >> WHAT THE -- WHAT THE HELL? YEAH, HI. WE AREN'T GETTING OUR INFORMATIVE MURDER PORN. NO, NONE OF THE CHANNELS WITH INFORMATIVE MURDER PORN APPEAR TO BE WORKING. THE SCREEN SAYS HOW DO YOU TAME A HORSE IN MINECRAFT. YES, WE DO HAVE CHILDREN. A WHAT? A PARENTAL LOCK? STAN! STAN! HOW DO YOU TAKE A HORSE IN MINECRAFT? >> WHAT? >> WHAT IS MINECRAFT AND HOW DO YOU TAME A HORSE IN IT. >> YOU GUYS DON'T NEED TO BE WATCHING THAT STUFF. >> COME ON, YOU CAN'T BLOCK YOUR PARENTS FROM WATCHING INFORMATIVE MURDER PORN. THINK IF WE WATCH SHOWS ABOUT MARRIED PEOPLE KILLING EACH OTHER WE'LL DO IT? THAT'S STUPID. I'M NOT GOING TO GO OUT AND KILL YOUR MOM BECAUSE I WATCH INVESTIGATIVE DISCOVERY. IT'D BE IMPOSSIBLE TO CLEAR THE DNA. I'D HAVE TO KILL THE PERSON I HIRED TOO BECAUSE 99% OF THE TIME THEY TELL. I THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. YOU'RE A LOUSY KID I WISH JADEN SMITH WAS MY SON! >> WHO DO OUR CHILDREN THINK

THEY ARE BLOCKING OUR TV CONTENT. >> HOW ARE THEY ABLE TO DO THIS WITH THEIR SMARTPHONES. >> IT'S ALL RIGHT. THE THINK THEY OUTSMARTED OUT BUT WE PAY THEM. CAN THEY REMOVE IT? >> NO, THEY DID THE USUAL CABLE COMPANY RUNAROUND. >> WE'LL SEE. EXCUSE ME, OUR CONTENT IS BEING BLOCKED AND WE NEED IT NOW. >> SORRY, SIR, IF YOU NEED IT NOW PERHAPS YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO ANOTHER CABLE COMPANY. OH , THERE'S NOT ANOTHER CABLE COMPANY IS THERE? THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE THE ONLY ONE IN TOWN. >> LOOK, IF OUR KIDS CAN BLOCK CONTENT THEN MUST BE ABLE TO BLOCK THEM. >> AS WE TOLD THE OTHER SIR WE CAN FIX IT BUT WE JUST NEED TO SEND A TECHNICIAN TO YOUR HOUSE TO CHANGE OUT THE CABLE BOX. >> GREAT. >> WE JUST NEED A WINDOW OF TIME TO BE HOME HOW ABOUT BETWEEN 3:00 A.M. TO 6:00 P.M. ALL OF NOVEMBER. >> NO, I CAN'T. >> THAT'S TOO BAD. YOU HAVE TO BE HOME FOR THE TECHNICIAN. CAN YOU GO TO DIRECT TV? >> I CAN'T AFFORD DIRECT TV. >> GEEZ, THAT'S TERRIBLE. I GUESS HAVE YOU TO WORK WITHIN OUR TIME WINDOWS. >> WELL, ANY LUCK? >> NO, JUST THE USUAL CABLE COMPANY STUFF. >> OH, WELL, I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT OUR INFORMATIVE CRIME DRAMAS >> SCREW THAT. CAN WE LEARN THIS MINECRAFT GAME TO GET AROUND OUR KID'S PARENTAL LOCK. >> I TRIED. IT'S UNLIKE OTHER VIDEO GAMES I DON'T GET IT IT'S ALL RETRO LIKE LEGOS AND KIDS ONLINE CALLED ME A GRIFER AND KICKED ME OFF. >> WE CAN LEARN. THERE'S TALK OF A CHILD THAT HE'LL TEACH MINECRAFT TO ANYBODY FOR THE RIGHT PRICE. [ KNOCKING ]

- HELLO? - HI. COREY LANSKIN? - YES. - WE HEARDTHAT YOU'RE WILLING TO TEACH MINECRAFTTO ADULTS? - FUCK OFF! - LOOK, WE WERE TOLD THATYOU'RE AVAILABLE FOR HIRE AND WE'RE DESPERATE. - YOU WAS TOLD WRONG,MISSER. I'M A SIMPLE KID WITH A SIMPLEPASSION FOR SIMPLE THINGS. - WE HAVE 100 OUNCESOF SILVER. - WIPE YOUR FEETAND TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES. NOW, WE'RE GOING SELECTAN EMPTY WORLD. SELECTING AN EMPTY WORLDWILL BEGIN YOU BEING DROPPED ON A BEACH. YOU'RE ROAM AROUNDAND START PUNCHING TREES. - PUNCHING TREES? - WHY WOULD WE PUNCH TREES? - JUST USE YOUR FUCKIN' BRAIN. HOW DO YOU GET WOOD? HOW DO YOU GET WOOD? - WATCHING INFORMATIVEMURDER PORN? - NO, IN THIS MINECRAFT FOREST! HOW DO YOU GET WOOD? - PUNCHING TREES? - RIGHT. YOU PUNCH THE TREESTO GET THE WOOD. YOU GET THE WOODTO BUILD A CABIN. - OH, I SEE. WHEN DOES THE GAME START? - YOU ARE PLAYING THE GAME. THIS IS THE GAME! - I DON'T GET IT. - THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RETHINKING LIKE A DAD. MINECRAFT, IT DON'THAVE NO WINNER. IT DON'T GOT NO OBJECTIVE. YOU'RE JUST FUCKIN'BUILDING SHIT AND SEEING IF OTHER THINGSCAN KNOCK IT DOWN. NOW, LET'S CLICK ONTHE INVENTORY AND LET'S FILTERTHROUGH THE SKINS. - YES, I'M GETTING IT NOW. - YOU ARE?- NO.

>> RANDY, IT'S GETTING LATE. LET'S JUST GO TO SLEEP. >> I ALMOST GOT IT SHARON I FOUND OUT WHERE THE HORSE IS NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TAME ONE. >> I'M NOT IN THE MOOD NOW ANYWAY. >> I MISSING INTIMATE WITH YOU. EVERYTHING WAS PASSIONATE AND DROPPED OFF. >> WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP TO BE GOOD >> I KNOW BUT IT'S LIKE WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS. A MARRIAGE HAS TO BE MORE. IT HAS TO HAVE FULFILLMENT OF FANTASY AND DESIRE SOMETIMES. MAGNACUBE? WHAT IS THAT? >> I'M GOING SLEEP. >> I'LL WAKE YOU UP IF WE GET

OUR MURDER PORN BACK. >> THE HE IS. HEY, THE PARENTAL LOCK ISN'T WORK. OUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING MURDER IMPORTANT. >> HOW DO YOU KNOW? >> I K SAW THEM WATCHING IT. >> THEY BROKE THE PARENTAL LOCK. >> THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. DID YOU SET IT UP RIGHT? >> BETTER GET OVER HERE. BUTTER'S DAD KILLED HIS MOM. [ SOBBING ] >> BUTTER, WHAT HAPPENED? >> I WAS OUT BY THE LAKE AND I SAW MY DAD OUT IN THIS FIELD. HE WAS HOLDING SUGAR CANE. IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE BECAUSE HE HAD A HAMMER. I SAW HIM TAKE MY MOM AND YELLED WATCH OUT BUT SHE FELL. >> WAIT. YOU MEAN IN MINECRAFT? >> YEAH, THEN MY DAD WENT BERSERK AND THREW ME DOWN A WELL. I WAS TRAPPED DOWN THERE ALL NIGHT. >> YOUR DAD THREW YOU DOWN A WELL? >> IN MINECRAFT. >> WHAT'S THAT? >> I WAS ABLE TO HOIST MYSELF OUT. IT WAS LIKE I WAS FROZEN IF THE LAKE HE HAD NO IDEA HOW TO SWIM OUT OF IT. IT WAS TERRIBLE. >> THAT'S IT. THAT'S HOW OUR PARENTS BROKE THE PASS CODE. I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD STOOP SO SLOW. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> SOMEBODY'S TEACHING OUR

PARENTS MINECRAFT. [ KNOCKING ] >> HAD AN INCIDENT LAST NIGHT. WONDER IF YOU SAW OR HEARD ANYTHING? >> NO, WHAT HAPPENED. >> SOMEONE BROKE INTO YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD AND PUNCHED HIS TREES. >> PUNCHED HIS TREES? >> YES, ACROSS THE STREET SOMEONE BUILT A CABIN. >> THAT'S WEIRD. >> WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT? >> I WAS JUST PLAYING MINE -- MY BANJO. >> I PLAY THE BANJO TOO. WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR TIME, SIR. YOU MAY WANT TO KEEP THE LIGHTS ON IN YOUR YARD TONIGHT IN CASE SOMEONE TRIES TO BUILD A CABIN ON IT AS WELL. >> WILL DO, OFFICER.

WILL DO. >> CALM DOWN. I KNOW WE'RE ALL CONCERNED. >> CONCERNED? THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR STUPID APP PARENTS ARE STILL WATCHING MURDER PORN AND NOW SCREWING UP MINECRAFT TOO. >> I SPENT THREE HOURS TRYING TO GET MY PARENTS TO STOP CREATE MY CASTLE. WHY DID WE AGREE TO THE STUPID APP? >> WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP OUR PARENTS FROM WATCHING MURDER PORN. >> WHY? BECAUSE ONE KID'S DAD KILLED HIS MOM? FOR ALL WE KNOW THEY WERE DOING DRUGS FOR YEAR. MAYBE MURDER PORN HAD TO DO WITH IT. >> I AGREE WITH CARTMAN. >> BOOO, WENDY, BOOO. >> IT'S TRUE. MAYBE WE NEED TO TRUST OUR PARENTS WON'T ACT OUT WHAT THEY S SEE. >> THAT'S ENOUGH. COME ON OUT AND THERE WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE. GIVE IT UP. YOU HAVE NOWHERE TO RUN. >> HUH? >> I'LL NEVER GIVE UP. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER DOING THIS. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. >> NICE ONE. YOU'RE CASTLE [BLEEP]ING SUCKS. >> GO TO HELL YOU GRIFER. >> ALL RIGHT. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

[ KNOCKING ] >> HELLO? >> CORY LANSKIN? >> YES. >> WE HEARD YOU MIGHT BE TEACHING MINECRAFT TO ADULTS. >> WHASSA MINECRAFT? >> WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP OUR PARENTS AWAY FROM GRAPHIC TELEVISION SHOWS. IT COULD BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH. >> DON'T BE ANGRY. MY MOMMY ALWAYS ANGRY. GET BACK IN THE MEAT LOCKER. SHE LOVES ME, RIGHT? MOMMY LOVES ME? >> I GUESS WE HAVE THE WRONG HOUSE, KID. >> OKAY. BYE. >> WHAT, DUDE? >> SOMETHING HE SAID. DID YOU HEAR HIM? HE SAID OUCHIE, OUCHIE MOMMY RAPE MY NO NO. IF I'D BE CAUGHT LYING THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID. >> NOW THAT YOU BUILT A WORKBENCH IT'S TIME TO BUILD SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF THE [BLEEP]. STOP USING YOUR GROWN UP BRAINS. >> AHA! >> SON OF A BITCH. DON'T YOU THINK THERE ARE ENOUGH GRIFERS IN THE WORLD WITHOUT OUR PARENTS BEING SHOWN THIS STUFF. >> A KID NEEDS TO MAKE A LIVING, DON'T WE? >> WE WERE USING MINECRAFT FROM STOPPING OUR PARENTS FROM WATCHING SPOUSAL HOMICIDE SHOWS. >> LIKE INVESTIGATIVE DISCOVERY? >> YOU HAVE SEEN THIS STUFF? >> TRUE CRIME AND REAL SICK SHIT. YOUR PARENTS WITH WATCH THAT STUFF. >> WE PUT A STOP TO IT UNTIL YOU TAUGHT THEM MINE CRAFT. >> ONE OR TWO MIGHT ACT OUT BUT CABLE TELEVISION. PEOPLE COPY EVERYTHING ON CABLE YOU WANTS TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY, YOU'LL HAVE TO GO FIGHT THE CABLE COMPANY.

>> HEY, GUYS. CAN YOU HELP? YOU >> HELLO. THERE ARE CERTAIN NETWORKS WE SEE AS HARMFUL TO OUR FAMILIES AND WE WANT THEM REMOVED, PLEASE? >> YOU DON'T WANT CABLE ANY MORE? >> NO, NO, JUST I.D. NETWORK, A & E AND OPRAH'S NETWORK. ALL THE ONES WITH MURDER PORN. >> YOU DON'T LIKE PAYING FOR THE CHANNELS? THEY PACKAGE THEM TOGETHER. >> CAN YOU UNPACKAGE THEM? >> OUR COMPANY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE NUMBER OF A DIFFERENT CABLE COMPANY -- OH, WAIT, WE'RE IT, AREN'T WE? DANG IT. GET YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH OUR PACKAGES. >> CAN WE TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR, PLEASE? >> SURE, DAVID. >> IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE? >> THE WANT SPECIFIC NETWORKS DROPPED FROM OUR CABLE. >> YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE BUNDLE NOT JUST FOR WHAT YOU WANT TO WATCH. >> YOU MEAN WE'RE FORCED TO PAY FOR THE OPRAH CHANNEL? >> YOU DON'T WANT TO VIEWED TO SHUT THE CABLE ALTOGETHER. >> FINE. >> MITCH, WHEN CAN YOU GET OUT TO SHUT OFF CABLE BOXES. >> MAN, IT'S GOING TO BE THREE WEEKS. THERE'S A WHOLE PLUG I HAVE TO PULL OUT. IT'S LIKE FOUR INCHES LONG. >> THREE WEEKS, HUH? IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU GUYS? >> NO, THAT'S WAY TOO LONG. >> GEEZ, THAT'S TERRIBLE. >> GODDAMNIT I JUST DON'T WANT MY PARENTS TO MURDER EACH OTHER. CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE JUST TRYING TO KEEP OUR FAMILIES SAFE. I DON'T KNOW IN SEEING COUPLES MURDER EACH OTHER ON TELEVISION WILL MAKE OUR PARENTS DO IT AND WE PROBABLY CAN'T STOP THEM FROM WATCHING WHAT THEY WANT TO WATCH WE'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE CABLE MAKES IT SO CONVENIENT. IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE EASY ACCESS THEY'D BE BUMMED OUT BUT IT'S NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, IS IT? >> HEY, SAY THE LAST PART AGAIN? >> WHAT? >> WHAT WAS THE LAST PART YOU SAID? >> I SAID IT'S NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. >> THE PART ABOUT YOUR PARENTS GOT GETTING THE CHANNELS EASILY. >>I SAID IT WOULD BUM THEM OUT. >> HOW MUCH WOULD IT BUM THEM

OUT? >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE STAND BY FOR A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF YOUR CABLE COMPANY. >> IN AN EFFORT TO STOP IS THE CRIES OF CHILDREN IN THE AREA CUSTOMERS STILL WISHING TO CREW TRUE CRIME NETWORKS WILL HAVE TO PURCHASE A SEPARATE PACKAGE WILL WILL REQUIRE SERVICE EVERY NIGHT AND THE PURCHASE OF 300 CHANNELS IN PORTUGUESE. WE REALIZE IT MAY BE AN INCONVENIENCE WE HOPE YOU VOICE ALL YOUR CONCERNS TO US BECAUSE AT YOUR LOCAL COMPANY THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS OUR BITCH.

>> JADEN SMITH LETS HIS PARENTS DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. YOU KNOW WHAT, THE GUYS AT WORK TOOK A BET ON WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT YOU OR JADEN SMITH AND EY SAID JADEN SMITH. HE CAN KICK YOUR ASS. >> MAYBE YOU SHOULD LIVE WITH JADEN SMITH, DAD. >> I WISH I COULD SO I'D BE RICH. I WOULDN'T HAVE TO LIVE IN A BORING SEXLESS MARRIAGE WHERE ALL WE DO IS PISS EACH OTHER OFF. CRAP. SHARON, I'M SORRY. >> NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, RANDY. WITHOUT ANY SEX WE JUST SEEM TO GET MADDER AND MADDER. >> YOU'RE RIGHT, SHARON. WE DON'T NEED MURDER PORN FOR PASSION IN OUR MARRIAGE. WE NEED THE SPARK BACK. LET'S GO AWAY, ME AND YOU. SOME WHERE EXCITING AND BEAUTIFUL TO FOCUS ON US.