Saturday afternoons on Market Street.

Yeah that.

Anyone who has had to run the gauntlet of street traders, break dancers, chuggers, buskers and prams just to get some slippers from M&S will understand the pain. And despair.

It's impossible to get from one end to the other without having to break out your best ninja moves, sidestepping skills and Mourinho-esque tactics.

Market Street is more about survival than shopping. It's like being trapped in the most stressful video game of all time.

Your sole aim is to get to Cross Street without giving away your bank details/signature/spare change/email address/soul to the countless people who try to thwart your mission, while avoiding all the obstacles that constantly appear in your way.

So to help, we have put together this handy guide on how to complete Market Street (for those maniacs who think it might be a good idea).

May the odds be forever in your favour.

Level 1: Getting across Fountain Street

As soon as you step off the tram and try to cross Fountain Street you are thrust into a panic-inducing nightmare. Trapped in a sea of people hovering on a tiny stretch of pavement, you have to deal with taxis, buses and cars zooming along in front of you, trams behind you and millions of people swarming around Primark.

Hint: Whatever you do, don't run. This is not the time to be a hero. Plus you need to conserve your energy for the obstacles ahead. You won't get very far anyway.

Chances are you'll slam straight into the wall of people trying to escape Market Street on the opposite side of the road. Looking into their phones.

The key is to follow another player bigger and stronger than you - preferably one armed with a pram, bike or suitcase.

A pathway of tutting and resentment will open up for them - and therefore you.

Quit or continue? You get trapped between the guy holding the Pizza Hut sign and a cart full of mobile phone covers. Start again.

Level 2: Caution, bollards in motion

More advanced players will have come prepared with headphones. Now is the time to use them. The bigger and more noticeable they are the better. If you don't have any, buy some ear muffs from one of the guys selling stuff on trollies and pretend they are headphones.

The noise on Market Street is obscene so the best thing is to block it out while ensuring no one else bothers you.

Hint: Ignore everyone. Do not make eye contact, perfect a glazed stare looking into the middle distance and definitely don't smile. Think Richard Ashcroft in Bittersweet Symphony. This is chugger territory.

If you do get accosted, point to your headphones/ear muffs apologetically and keep walking. The second you show any weakness, they will pounce, and as quickly as you can mutter 'I can't stop, I'm late for work/an imaginary meeting' you'll have signed up to 12-monthly payments for a goat.

I love that goat.

Try again : Because your gaze is focused slightly above everyone's heads and you can't hear anything, you trip over the moving bollards. Lose a life.

Level 3: Superdry here we come

This is now a test of endurance with buskers, singers, bands, and ghetto blasters every few metres. With Adele and Ed Sheeran covers on loop plus guitars, trumpets, flutes, rapping, beat-boxing and drumming ALL AT THE SAME TIME, it's like experiencing every single X Factor audition in the same 10 minutes.

Hint : Headphones don't help now and if you see a space open up in front of you - beware. Chances are it's because some street performance is underway. And you really don't want to get trapped in a packed circle of mobile phones and clapping when all you want to do is get to Paperchase before it closes.

Cheat: Another player suddenly stops in front of you for no reason at all and with no warning. You leap to the left to avoid crashing into them, and end up discovering a secret passageway (down by the back of Tesco).

Achievement unlocked!

Well done, you're more than halfway there.

Have a sit down on one of the metal benches - watch out for the chewing gum - and enjoy the delights of secondhand smoke, constant harassment and marvel at the unique sounds/shouting/loud music/whistles.

Boost your energy with some weird candyfloss or a pasty, while regretting every decision you've made in life up until this point, but especially the one that brought you to town, today.

Level 4: The general public

It's not only other shoppers that clog up Market Street. There's a whole group of supporting characters to add to your fun including gangs of teenagers, skateboarders, cyclists, football fans, very drunk people who have become detached from their Northern Quarter pals, and the odd protester.

They come at you from every direction with no thought for your personal space. Therefore you have to have your wits about you at all times, especially as you pass the danger zone near the food court escalators.

Hint: Try and stay to the sides without getting too close to shop doorways otherwise you will look like a rubbish shoplifter. The pressure of the crowds can mean you are easily swept up with the masses and have no control over where you go. Worst case scenario, you end up near the Spar on Piccadilly Gardens.

Hidden level : In a moment of madness you walk on the cobbled bit of the street. Before you know it you've been funnelled with the crowd up the one-way escalator system and into the overwhelmingly hot and loud food court. Your energy levels and will to live will deplete quickly here so you have to be quick.

There's no way back to Market Street so you have to head down into the bowels of the Arndale. Take a wrong turn and you'll emerge bleary-eyed and broken three hours later back where you started.

Bonus level: Christmas Markets

Do all the above but with thousands more people, a sausage, and added aggravation. Santa hats DO NOT provide special powers. Sadly.

Level 5: Like a boss

The end is in sight but now is not the time to get complacent.

This is where everything converges together - chuggers and people with surveys loiter in the shadows under the food court, people clutching gym membership forms and petitions line the right hand side and there's usually someone handing out leaflets.

There might even be a demonstration on and quite possibly a shouty person with a megaphone. And a busker or two.

Add to that the noise, random bubbles and balloons blocking your view and having to scramble through crowds of people sheltering from the rain, reaching your destination becomes survival of the fittest.

Hint: There's nothing else you can do but to zig zag your way out. And maybe aggressively put up an umbrella before you even leave the bit that's under cover. Take a deep breath, sigh a bit, and push your way through. Vow never to do it again.

Quit without saving?: You crouch behind the hot dog stand to catch your breath, but get taken out by an over-sized rucksack. Lying sprawled on the pavement you notice a clipboard hovering close by out of the corner of your eye, as you hear those immortal words: 'Have you been in an accident that's not your fault?'

GAME OVER