Washington, D.C.

November 10, 2012

United States Fish and Wildlife Services spokesperson Naya Faroosh said late Friday afternoon at a Washington press conference that the government organization will include the elusive Sasquatch, more popularly known as Bigfoot, on its list of endangered species. Sasquatch habitat has been severely diminished over recent decades, Ms. Faroosh said. The official FWS stance is that this is due to Anthropogenic Global Warming as well as urban sprawl and human encroachment in inland Oregon and Washington State where the Sasquatch population is believed to be most prevalent in the U.S. FWS scientists estimate there may be fewer than three dozen Sasquatches remaining in both states combined. The total number of these legendary bi-urnal bipeds in the Canadian province of British Columbia may be double that, although much reduced from historic highs in the thousands only two centuries ago, according to the FWS.

“The very paucity of Sasquatch sightings in our own lifetimes is evidence of human carelessness and disregard,” Ms. Faroosh said. “We share this earth with other species who have every right to exist here, and our actions should reflect our appreciation of that fact.” The spokesperson went on to say that a majority of the land best suited for Sasquatch habitat is currently under private ownership, but that with the new ruling, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is empowered to take control of those lands and place them under a federal management program designed to restore endangered populations to previous levels. “The fewer sightings there are, the stronger the proof of our negligence as a society,” Ms. Faroosh said. “It is the Sasquatch children who suffer most.”

Sources confirm that Canadian authorities have been approached by the FWS regarding a joint effort in land management benefitting the Sasquatch. Lieutenant Governor Judith Guichon of British Columbia, whose province is believed by U.S. government environmental scientists to be home to the largest population of sasquatches in North America, has failed to respond so far, other than handing out copies of the FWS letter during a holiday party. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has issued no official response, but was inadvertently caught on camera rolling his eyes during a telephone communication on the issue with the FWS director’s office, say sources close to the prime minister.

When the subject of general skepticism among the public in regards to the existence of the Sasquatch was broached, Ms. Faroosh responded that some people still deny the existence of Global Warming and the Holocaust. “We can’t be good stewards of the Earth if we’re willing to allow the fringe element in our society to govern our actions,” Ms. Faroosh said. “These people couldn’t care less about the plight of certain species or the health of the planet, and it behooves true Americans to ignore the rhetoric of hate that continuously emanates from those quarters.” Ms. Faroosh went on to assert that sasquatches, or “these gentle giants of the Great Northwest” are “people too,” endowed with “the desire to provide the best for their children” essentially the same as humans.

The White House also issued a statement late Friday afternoon indicating that President Obama looks forward to a bipartisan solution to the problem of dwindling Sasquatch habitat. “The president will consider any ideas as long as they are balanced,” the statement said.