It’s 6:45 pm on a Thursday and we are meeting friends downtown for dinner at 7 pm. I’m sitting in the living room drinking a beer and scrolling Twitter. When from the bedroom I get the all too familiar question, “ok….How does this look?” We need to be walking into a restaurant that’s 20 mins away in 15 minutes. Gazing upon the third ensemble I have judged this evening, trying my damnedest to differentiate it from the others, and no time for a do-over enthusiastically I proclaim, “Wow… Sweetheart you look fantastic!”

There was only one answer in this situation. Regardless of how my bride’s outfit looks, we should already be 10 minutes down the road. So I’m in no way going to give a response that could prompt another revision. They say all good marriages stand on a foundation of honesty. I can tell you, that’s complete bullshit. Half-truths and strategic lies forge successful marriages.

I can’t stand to be late. It is my biggest pet peeve. To me, there is almost nothing more embarrassing than being late, and I find it to be one of the rudest things someone can do. It may be because my family always arrived everywhere 15 minutes early or spending the last seven years in the military but either way, it’s ingrained in me.

My wife, on the other hand, does not share my anal retentiveness with punctuality. It’s not that she is inconsiderate about others times, it’s that she is an eternal optimist. A beautiful quality about her that I love, except when she is overly optimistic about how much time will take to get ready for and get to where we are going for the evening.



The following is a guide to the strategic lying I use to arrive on time. The half truths I peddle when my total lack of fashion knowledge is solicited by the love of my life/girl of my dreams.

The Day before or more… Brutal honesty

I’m a big believer that piss poor planning leads to poor results. Roped into a shopping trip with my wife is when my true honesty comes out. It’s probably a combination of general anger at myself for getting hoodwinked into the journey (poor planning) mixed with a desire to deter any frivolous purchases. You can salvage this soup sandwich of an afternoon turning it into a self-interested opportunity to avoid a “shit in shit out” scenario in the weeks to come.

If she truly doesn’t have anything she likes in her closet, then it will take her that much longer to get ready. With that nugget of truth eating at the back of my mind, I will tear down any outfit that I know will just be a runner up for months to come. I’d advise you, always to attack the quality of the material or stitching and never say that it makes her look anything less than ravishing.

If she is hemming and hawing in the store, then you know whatever she is looking at is always doomed to be a bridesmaid, never a bride. This article will forever be a staple of “I’m just not sure about this for this restaurant.” So do the humane thing and shoot that overpriced, single stitched, misshapen piece of shit in the head before its doom to suffer in the back of her closet forever.

The Day of… everything looks good, but that looks great

The day of the event is where my sliding scale kicks in. I will be somewhat honest that morning when we can still act on not having an option. Through the late afternoon, I’ll help eliminate some options but, am already starting to looking for a soft commitment to something.

Never honest enough to make her upset. At this point should I dislike an outfit, I am peddling in half truths. #AlternativeFacts, about the weather or the dress code of whatever we are attending, are the building blocks of my justification to eliminate an outfit. “I think you may be cold if you wear that, it’s supposed to be chilly tonight.”

Note: Wives are terrified of being cold; so 60% of the time, it works every time…

I’m done getting ready… Half truths, whole lies

We are forty-five minutes out from our scheduled departure, I have showered and am buttoning up a standard button down and picking out which sweater will cover it. (Hi, I’m a white guy from the suburbs, and my wife buys my clothes) The wife has finished showering and is doing her hair. I ask if I can help lay out what she will be wearing when her previous commitment starts to waiver. “Well, I’m just not sure I like this outfit anymore for this event.”

When faced with this setback, you need to stay calm, as you try and sooth her wavering commitment to the ensemble selected pre-shower. Complement the outfit using your same #AlternativeFacts from before. “Well, I think it’s the perfect outfit for (insert bougie/douchie restaurant). It’s definitely “dressy” but not overkill, plus that will keep you warm, remember how drafty it was last time?

I should be calling an Uber at this point….Lie your ass off

Here it is, this is the type of red zone action I have been preparing for all week. I immediately switch into my wild cat lying offense as any morality about honesty/trust is out the window. At 20 minutes to go, I am lobbying hard for “my favorite outfit of all time” which coincidentally, is the outfit she is currently wearing. At 10 minutes to go we are over half lying and every outfit “will be the dress everyone talks about.”

“Good Lord… that looks amazing; you could start wars with your beauty.” I exclaim as we should have been in an Uber five minutes ago. My response to each option has become a lobbying operation, that would make a tobacco company envious, for whichever dress is currently on her. As I stand holding her jacket, purse, and shoes, I try to assist in any way possible and struggle to avoid making a face that conveys my frustration.

We should be walking into the restaurant ten minutes ago…. Lie to your friends

As I message our friends that there is an accident and we are stuck in traffic, my lovely bride walks out of our room. “Well if you’re just going to rush me then I guess I’m ready… How do I look?” “Honestly, honey you look more beautiful than the day I met you.”

The Wife, “I know you are just saying that crap to get me out the door so let’s go……I just need to do my makeup in the car.”

Me, “That’s no problem honey, I was wrong, and we aren’t meeting them for another 20 minutes.”

The Wife, “Ok Good. You know… you always think that we are meeting people a half hour before we are. You need to start putting these things in your calendar app.”

Master level…. Lie about the schedule ahead of time

Me, “You are right. (magic words) I really should write this stuff down…but at least we are never late” ;)