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"Good afternoon. Thank you for coming to this emergency press conference which I have called in the wake of President Trump's executive order to be even more of a pillock than he was last week.

"In the hours since we have seen chaos at airports, sobbing refugees on the tarmac and Nigel Farage seriously suggesting we do exactly the same here, even though we don't have executive orders and leave the pillocking about to him.

"When I stood before the steps of Downing Street last July after becoming Prime Minister, I said: 'When we take the big calls we will think not of the powerful, but you. When we pass new laws we will listen not to the mighty, but to you.'

"A million people have signed a petition and I'm sure the remaining 63million of you, give or take a Nigel or two, would prefer it if we uninvited President Trump to goose the Queen later this year. But I can't do that. That invite is all that is keeping him sitting on those tiny hands of his rather than putting the whole world up his nose or in his ear or something.

"So I have a better idea."

(Image: Eyevine)

"I have this afternoon instructed the Border Agency to refuse visas for everyone called Donald Trump.

"I understand some innocent people may be swept up in this blanket order - there are around 20 people in the US called Donald Trump - but frankly stopping the spread of toddler-level terror is more important than their freedoms. Besides, anyone who is called Donald Trump can, and probably should, change their name.

"I mean, just look what is happening all over America and, indeed, the world - horrible mess!

"So I have decided to halt all new visas for people called Donald Trump immediately and suspend all asylum applications from refugees fleeing Donald Trump. Any Donald Trumps who attempt to enter Britain will be grilled on their social media habits with special regard to spotting psychologically harmful traits including narcissism, sociopathy, bad grammar and crass stupidity.

"As an extra safety measure, people with especially small hands will be questioned by MI5 on suspicion of being Donald Trump."

(Image: Getty Images North America)

"This is not a Trump ban. It's just that our country needs strong borders and extreme vetting, NOW!

" To prove we're not meanies, we will give priority to, and speed up visa and asylum applications for, any Muslims and especially those from Somalia, Yemen, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Sudan.

"Anyone doubting the wisdom of this can discuss it with, in the same order, Olympian Sir Mo Farah, boxer Prince Naseem Hamed, professor of theoretical physics Jim Al-Khalili, Fonejacker star Kayvan Novak, surgeon Kefah Mokbel, Monarch of the Glen writer Leslie Stewart and journalist Zeinab Badawi.

"Border agents will have discretionary authority to let in absolutely anyone who can pass a lie detector test to prove they have never, not once, been urinated upon by a person of negotiable virtue."

(Image: Getty Images North America)

"I've thought about this for 30 seconds or so, which is about 30 times longer than Donald Trump can do the same, and unlike him have also checked it doesn't break any of our existing laws.

"Great Britain is a proud nation of immigrants and we will continue to show compassion to those fleeing oppression, but we will do so while protecting our own citizens from an indiscriminate attack of the stupids.

"My policy is similar to what Oliver Cromwell did when he lopped off Charles I's head - asserting common sense and the rights of ordinary people to live free of tyranny, while removing those of people who do a lot of damage by combining the voices in their heads with inestimable power.

"Donald Trump is quite clearly a source of terror and has probably radicalised half the world's grandmothers in the past 10 days.

"But we're also going one step further."

(Image: AFP)

"We're going to suggest to the USA government that if it wishes to stop its citizens dying as a result of terror on its own soil then it really ought to stop letting them all have guns, because that's killed 1,201 Americans already this year.

"That's 40 a day in one month alone.

"The total is just under half the number killed in the 9/11 attacks, which incidentally were conducted by people from Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Egypt and the United Arab Emirates rather than any of the countries they've decided to pick on.

"A mere 24 Muslims living in the USA for an extended period have been linked to a concrete terrorist plot. Most failed because 23 of them managed to kill only 5 Americans, and just one - Omar Mateen, who killed 49 people in the Orlando nightclub shooting last year - was able to do much damage.

"For the feeble-minded, that means Muslim Americans are responsible for one third of 1% of American murders. Heart disease kills 25% of them, so they might want to look harder at Trump's tacos."

(Image: Twitter/Donald Trump)

"To anyone who believes this policy is wrong I say this: I've invited him, but I don't have to let him in.

"Around 1m British jobs rely on American firms so I can't ignore the vicious git with shrunken hands currently occupying the Oval Office, and when I suggested he visit the Queen he started salivating so much that Kellyann Conway brought him a drip bowl.

"That invitation is keeping him sweet for us and our citizens. The rest of the world will have to find its own way to get him to do the same, although the Mexicans will have a bit of a job on their hands.

"I will keep dangling that enticement but frankly the entire Royal Family would much prefer it if the trip was delayed by something out of their control, such as a randomly vindictive new immigration policy, and I am only too happy to oblige."

(Image: Rex Features/Twitter)

"Britain is, at its socially-uptight, overly-polite and cake-focused way, polite to everyone unless they do something unreasonable with their hedge, when we are prone to losing our shit completely.

"President Trump has done the diplomatic equivalent of planting a new Leylandii hedge 50ft high across the public footpath, and up with this we shall not put.

"We have lost our empire. We keep on losing football and cricket. We have even lost our sense of decorum, if Jodie Marsh is anything to go by. But Britain has not lost its mind and and while it is possible a court could overturn my orders and the Foreign Office ignore your petition, we all know that man is going to get egged to Kingdom Come if he sets foot over here.

"This is how we restore sanity. Together, we will Make Britain Great Again! Thank you!"

*Theresa returns to Downing Street amid wild applause, and thinks what a much better idea that was rather than ignoring the people she works for, overlooking what is quite plainly the rise of a new fascism, and appeasing a man who will be about as welcome as a ship bearing bubonic plague*