MILL VALLEY, CA—Noting that there are dozens of awful aspects of his personality that he hasn’t even begun to address, sources confirmed Monday that local 28-year-old Ryan Glass’ constant self-deprecation only scratches the surface of how truly pathetic he is. “I should just apologize to people in advance when they try to get in touch with me; it always takes me forever to return texts or phone calls,” said the insufficiently self-effacing man who, in addition to glossing over the genuine irritation and alienation he causes his friends by ignoring their attempts to connect, regularly offers minor critiques of his physical appearance, professional skills, athletic ability, sexual performance, fashion sense, financial competence, and general demeanor that in no way capture the full extent of such attributes’ pitifulness. “I’m just a flake like that. I know I should respond right away, but being the space cadet I am, I always get distracted by something else and forget.” Sources added that Glass was only able to provide an accurately harsh appraisal of character flaws when describing the faults of his friends and coworkers.

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