It’s that time of year again, when yellowish, pollutant-drenched snow begins falling in the few places still cold enough to accumulate it, our harrowing class disparity is drawn into relief by the relentless consumerism that created it, and Donald Trump’s feeble, wild-eyed coalition of trigger-happy racists and Twitter trolls gets super mad about Starbucks cups. Yes, despite Starbucks’ decidedly inclusive new cup design, which may or may not feature lesbian hands, the MAGA set has found a way to wage war in Starbucks nationwide.

In a cunning tactical reversal, they are giving baristas the wrong name, forcing those hapless, undoubtedly Clintonite employees to shout the name of the current president as well as his campaign hashtag, and in the process probably triggering all those other coffee-sipping libs to spit up their peppermint lattes. Disgraced ex-advisor and current Nazi memorabilia collector Seb Gorka is fucking here for it:


The War On Christmas rages on, in other words. Not because people refuse to say “Merry Christmas,” but because Starbucks exists, and we now wage our culture wars in the marketplace, pledging support to the shitty pizzas and ride-hailing services that best represent our political and cultural allegiances, as well destroying our Keurigs when appropriate and, you know, turning a fucking coffee chain into a wasteland of meaningless affinity signaling. MAGA, indeed!


Kat, don’t do it to’em!


Haha, that’ll show the libs—give them money, make them say a series of words that could conceivably express a political opinion different from theirs, assume they spit in your coffee, then pour out the thing you paid for and repeat, as many times as necessary.


Right, because when we last checked, the idea was to never go to Starbucks, because they had fallen on the wrong side of the culture war by using the phrase “Happy Holidays” on their cups instead of “Merry Christmas.” So, don’t go. But if you do go, make them say MAGA, and then throw the coffee away. Right?


Look: It’s hard to keep up with all this shit. The president’s own daughter is even having trouble keeping up with the byzantine sequence of secret handshakes and code words that are the approved language for her chosen tribe of political culture warriors:


Either that, or she’s finally become the moderating influence she was always supposed to be. Just in time to save Christmas, or ruin it, depending on how you look at things.