Cock Blockers, Twat Swatters, Game Killers, Dick Derailers, Noodle Slappers, Pussy Thwarters, Penis Perturbers, Clam Jammers, Beaver Cleavers, Cooter Cutters, Meat Bandits, Panty Shields, Poon Goons, and I’m sure there are a million more. These are all terms for the effort of a guy or girl to hook up with somebody being thwarted by another person. Now some times, we all do it to ourselves, that’s true, like if I ever ask a girl to dance, BOOM I have cock blocked myself (if she says yes and sees me dance, its all over). However, There are far more frequent times when the situation is seemingly out of our control.

Men have evolved over the years. We used to travel in pairs, and in fact many still do. This is a fatal mistake because of the NUMBER 1 cause of Cock Blocking….. THE DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). Girls have always migrated in groups, to the bathroom, shopping, dancing, etc. In these groups, there is always a DUFF, now she doesn’t have to be 500lbs and sucking on a rib bone (though she often is), she just has to be marginally less attractive than the remaining members of her party, and also much heavier. I have figured out why there is at least 1 DUFF in every group of 3 or more skinny, attractive girls, and the answer lies in gravity. The mass of the Duff gives off a strong gravitational pull which sucks in these poor, unfortunate skinny girls. They then remain orbiting around her for the rest of the night and it takes a near superhuman power to pry them away. There are warning signs that guys get about DUFFs that we often ignore when we meet a good-looking girl. We will be told something like “she has a really pretty face”, or “she is so funny”, or “she is really smart”. WAKE UP GENTLEMEN! THESE ARE RED FLAGS!…………. Now back to what I was saying earlier, men always had 2 wingmen, flying together and backing each other up. These wingmen might see two lovely looking ladies at the bar (target acquired), they might wait a few seconds to make sure they are alone, and then they move in (engage). Once they are in a good conversation, the light gets sucked from the room and a cold feeling of despair creeps into the very soul of the two wingmen as before they can even see her, they hear a thumping, they smell her scent (too much perfume, and an unwarranted sense of confidence), then they feel the ground tremors, and like a screech from the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, she comes in cackling with laughter over “something I have to tell you guys, and you’ll never believe it!” It is usually some story of an ex-boyfriend who she stood up to, or the “guy that just hit on her”. These wingmen are now in a dogfight for their lives and they are low on fuel and out of ammo. Time to retreat. …………….But now as I said, men have evolved, we have gotten smarter, now we travel in 3’s whenever possible. We have generally three main ingredients, they are: The Opener, The Looks, and That Guy (The Sacrificial Lamb, or as many guys would agree, The Clutch Hitter.) The Opener is your best talker, he starts conversations and brings in his backup. He usually points over to The Looks whenever he mentions his friends. The Looks is the best looking one, or at least the one who has the best success with women, he is used to keep the girls interested enough to start a conversation. Then just when the ground shakes, the light dims, and the reinforcements are coming for the other team, in comes The Clutch Hitter who the other two have been pumping drinks into by now. The Clutch Hitter’s job is always to majorly distract, if not hook up with the DUFF. This man is loved and cherished among his friends, they no the service that he provides, and therefore they keep him around. The problem with being The Clutch Hitter is that it is ALWAYS regrettable. There is no glory in taking the bullet, no awards, you provide an important service, but you cannot be that guy if you want honor, remember, the O-Lineman never wins MVP, but he gets the dirty work done for the Quarterback and Wide Receiver to link up for the touchdown. Being the Clutch Hitter comes with a different breed of SHAME that you can’t imagine. However it is necessary to have this guy! This man deserves his own “Bud Light, Real Men of Genius” radio commercial. Today we salute you, you standard lowering, friendship honoring, loyal, just, and brave bastard! All men shall have to drink a beer for you after reading this!

The NUMBER 2 source of Cock Blocking comes from your OWN friends. The Drunk guys stumbling over and saying something ridiculous that chases girls away. “Hey dude, you remember that time I shat my pants and you guys had to change me?! that was hysterical, you remember, I wore your shirt like a diaper after that? hahaha Wait…. is that the SAME SHIRT?!” FUCK THAT GUY! BEING OUT WITH FRIENDS AND TALKING WITH GIRLS IS VERY SIMILAR TO CROSS EXAMINATION, IT ISN’T ALWAYS KNOWING WHAT TO SAY, IT IS ALSO, and maybe more importantly KNOWING WHAT NOT TO SAY!!! YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE THAT WE DRAW ON WHEN YOU PASS OUT!!! YOU SING KARAOKE ALONE, AND TAKE A CAB HOME BY YOURSELF BECAUSE NOBODY WHO LIVES CLOSER WILL LET YOU CRASH AT THEIR HOUSE, AND IT IS BECAUSE YOU DO THIS!

Finally, at NUMBER 3 you have the guys who can’t read the signals, for future reference MEN EVERYWHERE, a wink at your guy friends means, I’M GOOD, LEAVE ME HERE I WANT TO BE HERE, DO NOT COME OVER HERE! contrarily, extremely wide eyes, maybe an eye roll, or a turn away of your head mixed together means FUCKING SAVE ME YOU ASSHOLE, GET ME OUT OF HERE! and lastly maintaining eye contact and yet using your head to point in a direction means either look over there or go over there. THESE ARE THE BASICS, YOU CAN WORK OUT IN DEPTH SHIT WITH YOUR FRIENDS LATER BUT AT LEAST KNOW THESE THINGS! There is almost nothing worse than a wingman who misreads a signal.

Tank’s Tip: To the Ladies who denounce the existence of DUFFs, the rule on DUFFs is the same as finding the sucker at the poker table, if you can’t spot the DUFF in your group…..You are it!

GENTLEMEN, treat your Clutch Hitters well, buy them some drinks, take them to a ballgame, because trust me fellas, YOU NEED THEM!

WINGMEN! work out a system with your friends, learn each other well and you might stand a chance out there in the field. That being said, we will never fully understand women and we are ALL FUCKED! (Disclaimer: by women in general, not actually meaning we are all getting fucked. I have to write this so I don’t get sued for making guarantees.)