The best way to give meaningful feedback (that someone will actually listen to)

Giving feedback is challenging. That’s why so many managers avoid it. We’re afraid to say the wrong thing, so instead we say nothing. Unfortunately, this means problems fester and compound when a five-minute conversation could have made all the difference.

There are simple ways to give feedback that both improve your relationships and address the core problem. Whether it’s coworkers, employees, spouses – giving effective feedback is a superpower.

We all know what bad feedback sounds like:

“Everyone thinks you’re a hot-head. You need to learn to control your temper.”

Sure, no one actually talks like this. But maybe this will sound more familiar:

“You know we all value having you here. You’re a great member of the team. But it’s hard on everyone when you lose your cool. People think you’re a hot-head and it’s making it difficult to work with you. I’m sure it’s unintentional, but you need to consider how your words and actions impact those around you. Give it some thought.”

Notice that the second version isn’t much better than the first. Bad feedback, regardless of how it’s delivered, all sounds the same. It’s a) non-specific b) attacks character instead of behaviors and c) isn’t actionable. The example above doesn’t establish a frame of reference, labels the person, and doesn’t give them any tools for moving forward.

Too many managers don’t recognize when they’re giving unhelpful feedback. This is made worse by how many of us become indignant when the other person reacts poorly. You shouldn’t be shocked when someone gets defensive at being labeled as lazy, hot-headed, inconsiderate, etc. You’re attacking their character, when you should be targeting their actions. You think you’re being helpful by bringing awareness to it, but you’re antagonizing them and increasing the likelihood of disruptive behavior.

Effective feedback starts with an understanding that what you really want is: a) to be on the same page with the other person and b) to ensure that you both interpret these situations the same way. Your goal is to share your perspective and better understand their perspective. They clearly think their behavior is acceptable and you don’t. How can you get on the same page?

The best model for simple, straightforward feedback is the SBI model from the Center for Creative Leadership.

Describe the situation in which the incident occurred Explain the behavior that you observed Share the impact that it had on you Give the other person a chance to explain themselves Discuss a path forward

Using SBI, the earlier example might look something like this:

“Yesterday at our weekly team meeting, I noticed that you snapped at Karen when she shared some concerns about your proposal. After that, it was hard to get people to share and speak openly. The mood of the meeting soured. It made me concerned because healthy debate and open discussion are important to all of us and I want to be sure everyone can speak openly. What were you hoping to accomplish when you responded to Karen? How do you feel that interaction went?”

And after their response you can move things forward by talking about next steps,

“What do you think are some appropriate ways to move forward?”

By being specific and clear about the troubling behavior and avoiding character judgments, you lay the groundwork for productive discussion. Assume good-faith in the people that you’re giving feedback to. You’ll often be pleasantly surprised at how well these conversations go if you show that you’re sincerely interested in hearing the other person out. They want to feel like you’re on their team and that you’re interested in what they have to say. If you’ve got a good relationship, preserve that by being open to their point of view.

What are you supposed to do if the conversation goes off the rails when you ask them to give their side? That’s a chance for a different kind of conversation, one about the inability to take well-intentioned feedback and not being open to the perspectives of other people on the team. Effective feedback gives you the best chance at an amicable solution, but it doesn’t guarantee one.

The SBI model is easy to practice and works for giving positive as well as constructive feedback. Practice using this tool once a week on low-stakes constructive feedback conversations or for positive feedback. Once the framework is second-nature, try using it for higher-stakes conversations to see how you fare. Write out your talking points in advance, with specific attention to the outcome you’re wanting. If you start with the end in mind, you’re more likely to get there.

Let me know how it works for you. Message me on Twitter or send me an email. Seeing results? Consider sharing this post with someone who could benefit. Good luck out there.

-Patrick

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