Tired of fighting negative connotations and unfavorable public opinion, the U.S. military has announced a sweeping ‘policification’ movement to increasingly adopt the equipment and best practices of law enforcement.

Even though they’re faced with unprecedented threats in an increasingly hostile world, a Marine spokesperson said he believes that implementing police standards will help the military achieve the universally beloved and respected status that law enforcement currently enjoys.

The United States Marine Corps recently took delivery of 10,000 laminated Miranda cards to be used when making arrests during deployments to Iraq, Afghanistan, and other theaters of armed conflict worldwide. In a related move, the Corps delivered to a domestic law enforcement agency in rural Vermont the last MRAP in its inventory.

The United States Marine Corps recently took delivery of 10,000 laminated Miranda cards to be used when making arrests during deployments to Iraq. (AP Image)

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The Corps has become the first of the armed services to completely transfer all of its combat equipment to domestic law enforcement agencies. In return, USMC personnel have received mountain bikes, handcuffs, weather-resistant Field Interview (FI) cards, and mirrored sunglasses.

Support for the move appears to be near unanimous among the military ranks, with several expressing enthusiasm for the new tools at their disposal.

While taking a break from burglary reports in downtown Mosul, one USMC Doughboy explained, “A couple of months ago, we’d get DV calls and we’d have no report-writing software. Without breathalyzers we’d have to just assume these guys in bar fights were drunk, and we’d be like, ‘I can’t just shoot them. What the hell do I do?’ We were totally frustrated. We’re solid now — we can review a metropolitan police department’s policy and procedure manual as heavy as a phone book.”

Sitting atop a stallion named Gulfstream, Marine Gunnery Sergeant William “Derby” Shoemaker said, “Two weeks ago, I was stuffed into an MRAP. I could barely breathe in that uncomfortable hunk of ballistic protection. Look at me now. I’m totally exposed and vulnerable, the wind in my hair as I ride free.”

A Marine Corps F-18 pilot who declined to be identified said, "Sure, it would probably be safer for our boys on the ground if we still had air-to-ground missiles, but let’s face it, those million-dollar projectiles are better used stateside."

While American citizens have been vocal in their opposition of so-called ‘militarization’ of police, the reverse perspective is commonplace overseas.

“The infidel invaders have no armor. They’re armed with only pencils and report forms,” said an overjoyed jihadi. “We have the run of the land. What are they going to do, arrest us?”