Some weekends, I like to get a case of beer, some burgers, maybe a pie, and tune up my old buddy Netflix to see what wonders it has in store for me. Will I watch BoJack Horseman? Hemlock Grove? Forty straight hours of Mr. Belvedere? No, this weekend, something else is afoot.

While scrolling through movies recommended for me based on the peyote-fueled delusions of Netflix's self-aware but entirely schizophrenic AI, I noticed a film with the too-precious-to-be-real name Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. The cover art seemed to be of a Japanese girl in a school uniform, Sailor-Moon-style, with some pissy coloring. Some digging turned up no fewer than half a dozen other Japanese horror movies that also featured basically the exact same cover art -- a Japanese schoolgirl with some kind of weapon, and maybe a second or third schoolgirl.

The art for The Terminator features the Terminator. Alien has that creepy egg pod. The awesomeness that is Bloodsport features the awesomeness that is Jean-Claude Van Damme in a full-on ball-punching pose. These covers give me a hint what their movies are about when combined with the title. All of these Japanese movies were just random gibbering words pasted over Sailor Jupiter's head as she brandished some killy/stabby/shooty thing.

Clearly, as a cinephile, I owed myself the pleasure of watching these movies to determine what the hell they were about. And so I did. And now I share the experience with you. My condolences.

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