The Great Buffet Unification Theory

Today while brunching, we came up with a plan. A plan so revolutionary, that it may shake the very foundations of the food industry.

The plan is pretty simple. Every buffet is part of the same union. You pay a monthly, yearly, or lifetime fee, and you can get whatever you want, at any buffet in the universe. Just flash your Buffet Club Card, and grab a plate!

This is beneficial for many reasons:

1. Let’s say you just want a salad, but you might want to grab a tiny dot of spaghetti, or fruit. You don’t have to feel guilty about buying the entire buffet! You can just get what you want.

2. Ordinarly with a buffet, the urge is to binge-eat, to “get your money’s worth.” But this is silly - isn’t feeling good after a meal the best way to get your money’s worth? This will never happen again under my plan. If you just want a bagel, just get a bagel.

3. I’m sitting in a hotel room right now. We’ve finished our meal at the fabulous downstairs buffet. But in an hour, I’ll probably want more. I’ll at least want another couple slices of pineapple and honeydew melon. If I sat down there for another hour, I could get it, no questions asked. But since I went up to my room, I’d have to buy another full meal. THAT’S SILLY! Under the Great Buffet Unification Plan, I could go to my room, watch an episode of Full House, maybe even work out, or go for a swim, then go back, “Flash My Card” (Patent Pending on that catchphrase) and get another plate of brie and fruit. Maybe even a bowl of Minestrone (which was delightful, by the way. Kudos, Montreal Gouverneur Hotel!).

As you can see, this is a brilliant idea. And I don’t even think it’d entice people to overeat, I think it’d entice people to be more sensible with portions. Plus some buffets have great, fresh salads, but gross entrees. This really solves lots of problems, albeit all “#firstworldproblems.”

There would have to be some regulatory committee, and some way of keeping all the money straight for more heavily-trafficked buffets. But really, it could all work out. People could still just pay for a buffet individually if they didn’t want to be members. But just think of how convenient it’d be for me, right now, to just finish this “weblog” and go down and get another slice of apple pie (which was also delightful). SUPER CONVENIENT. And in the morning, I could just get some yogurt and fruit, exactly how I like it, without worrying that I just paid for access to pancakes and crap that I wouldn’t even eat (I like pancakes, I’m just saying tomorrow doesn’t feel like a pancake day).

I nominate myself to be President and Founder of the Buffet Union. I also get free lifetime membership and a truckload of waffle batter. And lots of money.

All you can eat,

Andrew.