Google delighted to invest £1bn in UK in return for paying no tax and access to everyone’s personal information

The technology giant is supporting Britain’s preparations to leave the EU by making a huge investment in return for certain privileges.

Google plans to expand its existing headquarters in London, which will bring over 3000 jobs to the region but literally nothing in corporation tax.

“I think it’s a fair deal for both parties,” Google spokesperson Simon Williams told reporters in London today.

“Londoners will find themselves with thousands of jobs to apply for, and we’ll find ourselves that little bit better off at the end of the day.

“And to be honest, we’d just like a bit of distance between us and the shitstorm in America at the moment.”

With London keen to attract investment at any cost, Google has reportedly also negotiated that as part of the deal they will be allowed full control of Britain’s extensive CCTV network, and access to the personal medical, financial and criminal records of every British citizen.

“This is just to ensure we can tailor our products and services to everyone’s individual needs and circumstances,” Mr Williams reassuringly added.