WASHINGTON, D.C. — Capitol Hill insiders have leaked to the media that the GOP healthcare bill currently being pressed in the Senate includes a stipulation replacing Planned Parenthood and all other forms of birth control funding with government sponsored subscriptions to Crunchyroll.

While Congress has refused comment on this clause as they have all other aspects of the upcoming bill, we spoke to political strategist Frank Schmidt, who has applauded the Crunchyroll clause.

“I think regardless of your political stance we can all agree that we want to cut down on teen pregnancies, the fact is that abstinence is the only 100% proven method of birth control, and a subscription to Crunchyroll is the only 100% proven method of abstinence available,” Schmidt told Anime Maru. “Where condoms fail, Crunchyroll does not.”

We asked Mr. Schmidt to comment on a study showing that millions will lose their healthcare coverage with Obamacare repeal, but he seemed largely unconcerned. “I feel strongly that the Crunchyroll clause will more than make up for loss of healthcare, and that anime serves not only as a birth deterrent but also as a catch all cure for many maladies.”

“Who needs medication for your anxiety or depression when you can pop on an episode of Non Non Biyori? Who needs sleeping pills when there’s Glasslip? Who needs breast exams when you can simply examine breasts in Queen’s Blade?”

Meanwhile, other analysts have called the Crunchyroll clause an unnecessary expense, citing that Crunchyroll costs $60 a year per person, whereas a Reddit account subscribed to /r/anime is free.

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