In reality, the Bible is full of unbelievably dirty stories and one-liners about dongs, butts, and so, so much poop , many of which were censored out of the English version. That's right -- people couldn't resist toning things down even when translating the freaking Bible. But when you go back to the original text, you find things like ...

Statistically speaking, about 80 percent of you are either Christian or Jewish , and about 80 percent of you haven't read the Bible . That probably explains why the book has a reputation for being some nice stories about how you should stop cursing and/or masturbating.

6 King Rehoboam's Dick-Measuring Contest With His Dead Dad

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After King Solomon's death, the kingdom of Israel made like a baby and got split in two. It was a dark period for God's chosen people ... and it all started with a dick joke.

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How's that? Well, in 1 Kings Chapter 12, Solomon's son Rehoboam takes the throne, and pretty much all of Israel comes to ask him to "Make the yoke which thy father did put upon us lighter." In other words: "Y'know how your dad liked to treat us like slaves? Can you, like, not do that so much?" The wise elders tell Rehoboam he should be a kinder ruler and win the hearts of the people, but he's having none of that sass.

Hans Holbein

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An artist's representation of Rehoboam having none of that sass.

Instead, Rehoboam consults with "the young men who had grown up with him" (i.e., his frat bros), who advise him on how to handle the situation:

"... thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins. And now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions." (1 Kings 12:10-11, King James Version)

Yeah, we've all been there: You're shooting the shit with your drinking buddies, they persuade you to boast about the size of your dong, and Israel gets into a 17-year civil war. Now, some of you have rushed to your Bibles and found that your translation is the much tamer "My little finger shall be thicker than my father's waist," but that's apparently an incorrect translation -- or a less crude version, anyway. The same word is used elsewhere in the Bible to mean "penis." The message is clear: "My little finger is bigger than my dad's cock, so you can just imagine what I'm packing."

Hans Holbein

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"I'm not sure how that 'whipping people with scorpions' thing works out, but BY GOD I WILL FIND A WAY."

In other words, Rehoboam's response to a plea for mercy was to initiate a posthumous dick-measuring contest with a king who was famously able to satisfy a harem of 1,000 women. And hey, speaking of Solomon's legendary privates ...