THE HEAVENS—Maintaining that He was overall very pleased with the creation of all things, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Tuesday that His biggest regret was never making a two-headed snake creature. “I always wanted to create some kind of super-poisonous snake thing with a head at either end, and maybe some freaky pitch-black eyes,” said God, adding that back when He was creating them, He spent far too much time tinkering with snakes’ “wicked” fangs and was ultimately forced to hurriedly “slap a tail on them” and move on to making lizards. “Leathery wings would be pretty cool, too. And maybe the heads would try to eat each other—damn, that would be so sweet. Know what? Fuck it—I’m whipping up one of those things.” The Lord then confirmed that in order to start on the two-headed snake initiative, He would have to sideline His current project of creating an even dumber-looking alpaca.

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