BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself. “I spend all day telling guys at school that they’re gaywads and queermos, so if they ever found out that I’m actually a stupid cockmuncher, I really don’t know what I’d do,” said Pachego, adding that he often found himself paralyzed with dread that someone would discover that he was simply projecting his own retardedness and love of dicklicking onto the smaller, more vulnerable kids in his class. “Deep down, I guess I realize I’m so mean and hurtful to others because I don’t know how else to deal with the fact that I’m the one who still shits my pants and that I’m easily the fruitiest little fudgepacker of them all. Imagine if everyone knew; it would be devastating.” Pachego then sighed and told reporters that he was certain at least some of his victims were beginning to suspect, rightly, that his dick looks like a Tic Tac.

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