Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable

Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards

Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well

Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel's unappealing in any amount less than a fifth

Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature

Enough musical ability to get very lucky

Increased probability of creating, developing, and headlining Ozzfest

Sharon Marker: Predisposed to shuffle about shouting "Sharon!" The fact that subject is married to a person of this name is a statistically improbable coincidence