I’ve decided that I no longer enjoy sucking Nintendo’s cock as much as I once did.

Although this topic of discussion doesn’t necessarily have to be limited to specifically Nintendo, I reference it mainly because of its strong association with my childhood and adolescence. (My cocksucking activities started at such a young age – I know.)

What’s more disappointing than finally playing Twilight Princess after several delayed delays and not feeling motivated to play any longer? Answer: finally playing Brawl after several delayed delays and not feeling motivated to play any longer. Nintendo, how could you do this to me? After all that we’ve been through. Perhaps my affairs with the console are a bit past my time. Perhaps my imagination isn’t as vivacious as it once was. Perhaps the kid in me is dying. Is this puberty, mama

My passion for video games stream several grueling images in my head: Evading the angry sun. Fighting Culex in Monstro Town from Super Mario RPG. Failing. Trying again. Uttering my first curse words during Bramble Blast. That son-of-a-shit level, Donut Plains 3. Getting the motherfucking invincibility cheat in facility. Unlocking Soda Lake. Catching that fucking bunny. Finding the heart piece from that random cow near that waterfall.

Do these sound familiar? I could go on.

Unfortunately, when I sum up the video games we now have available at hand, my Metaphorical Boner as a gamer grows limp. As much as I enjoy first-person shooters, are they all that video game publishers can really come up with? No, they can also come up with pressing buttons in accordance to a rhythm. Wait, isn’t that kind of DDR? No, DDR doesn’t come with a cool guitar-shaped controller.

And I know that I didn’t mention any new school Nintendo games, but that’s mostly because I’ve felt like most (emphasis on most) new school Nintendo games simply aren’t. Worth. Mentioning. It pains me to say that, Nintendo.

Am I stuck in the past? Is it my ignorance telling me that fancy graphics are a mere supplement to a video game? Have I matured into an old hag who constantly bitches about “the good ol’ days”? Most likely. But Nintendo, I hope you’ll always remember that I would never, ever spit on you, regardless of how hard it is to swallow my pride.

(lol, did you get it?)

May you rest in peace, my Metaphorical Gamer Boner.