So my sister posted a little gem of a post on my Facebook wall the other day.

Titled 10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry, this blog post hopes to steer good Christian men away from women who would bring them to wreck and ruin. At first I thought this was actually satire à la The Onion, but no, the author was serious.

The original blog post has over 1000 comments, with many picking it apart already and Liz Boltz Ranfeld made sure to add more red flags for men of righteous character to watch out for in the finding of a wife.

In order to further help these men and to help them not waste their precious time, I give you 10 reasons why I’d be a terrible wife for a Christian man.

1. I’m an “unbeliever”

The quotation marks are there for a reason. As I’ve talked about here and here, Jesus is still my favorite, and I think his teachings are really awesome. However, there are a list of things I believe that for many disqualify me from claiming the title of “Christian.” In short, I take the metaphorical view of the creation story in Genesis and a liberal view of the rest of the Bible. I am a feminist (more on this in a sec) and believe that everyone can love and marry whomever they choose. I have no issue if someone uses feminine pronouns for G-d, and I truly believe all dogs (and people) go to heaven. For the above reasons and many others, I’m sure NYCPastor would say that I am not a Christian. Pretty sure there’s countless others he’d disqualify because, let’s be honest, much of evangelical Christianity is about who is out rather than who is in.

Tl;dr: I’m a heathen so stay away.

2. I’m not a divorcee…

But let me tell you a story. My memaw married when she was 15 years old to a man who horribly abused her. So she divorced him, which was a big fucking deal in rural Florida back in the 1940s and took her daughter with her. She met my grandfather while she was sitting at the counter of the soda fountain with my aunt at Camp Blanding near Jacksonville, FL. Papaw was an Italian boy from NYC and went against the teachings of the Catholic Church and married a divorcee with a kid. They had 6 kids and were very happy until my papaw passed in the early Eighties. My memaw was the best person I’ve ever known and went to church every Sunday.

But nevermind all that. What matters is that she got a divorce despite an abusive marriage and my bloodline is like, tainted; so don’t marry me.

3. I’m an older woman

Because let’s be real, as women get older, they begin to get ornery and not willing to smile and chuckle at the shenanigans of men. It’s probably because we’ve seen it all before and, unlike Monty Python, repeat viewings don’t add nuance. It’s better if you get a girl who doesn’t know any better. Be careful though, the younger generation of women are becoming wily.

4. I’m a feminist

I ascribe to the definition of feminism given by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie as “a person who believes in the social, economic and political equality of the sexes.” I guess believing this means that I want to “usurp a man’s authority.” I’m so sorry I actually believe the idea that we are all made equal in the eyes of God. Many apologies. As a peace offering, have some Beyoncé:

5. I’m a sexy dresser

I’m in the middle of doing a 30 day yoga challenge so I’m wearing yoga pants on a daily basis. I acknowledge that the clothes I wear to sweat my ass off may cause righteous Christian men to think dirty thoughts. I guess you can’t help seeing me as an object and not a human being.

6. I’m a loud talker

Not only do I have LOTS of opinions, I actually just tend to talk really loud. It drives my sister up the wall. I’M SORRY BUT THIS IS JUST HOW GOD MADE ME!!!

7. I’m child ambivalent

Now I don’t hate kids per se. If you take a quick look at my Facebook page, you’ll see that it’s mostly pictures of my niece, who is the cutest baby EVA!! However, I don’t know if I want to actually push a human being out of me. But if I’m going against nature, I must hate kids, right? I mean, it’s not like I want all kids to have access to quality education no matter their socio-economic status or grow up in a world of clean air and water. I certainly don’t want mothers to have the ability to take time off from work to take care of snot-nosed children. I’m the real-life version of the Grinch, so it’s best if you don’t propose.

8. I have wanderlust bad

I lived overseas for two years. I got to stand on the Great Wall of China and the beaches in Thailand. I’ve been trying to leave again ever since I got back home. It’s terrible, I know; I should want to stay home and be there for my man, but I didn’t get to Singapore, Hong Kong, Indonesia or Vietnam. I also haven’t been to Europe yet.

9. I’m a career woman

I want to pay my bills and maybe, just maybe, enjoy myself while doing it. Sue me.

10. I’m actually a devoted* woman

I’m devoted to my family and friends. I’m devoted to becoming a better person. I’m working on overcoming my people-pleasing qualities and calling out the racist, homophobic and sexist bullshit I hear every.single.day because silence on those things equals agreement. I don’t pray for hours at a time, but I send up thoughts into the ether on a regular basis. I figure that’s good enough.

*For those of you who didn’t grow up Christian, doing devotions usually involves praying and reading the Bible for an extended period of time.

In conclusion, do yourself a favor Christian men of America. If you’re looking for a Christian wife, don’t come calling on me. You’d just make me miserable.