WASHINGTON—After realizing there were still judicial appointments that needed to be filled during a meeting with the conservative think tank, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly pointed to a valet in the Heritage Foundation parking lot Thursday and asked him if he wanted to be a federal judge. “Hey, kid, how’d you like a lifetime appointment on the Ninth Circuit, huh?” asked McConnell, interrupting the 19-year-old temp worker’s protests that he didn’t know anything about the law to tell him that all he needed was “wipe that dumb look off your face” and he could be delivering rulings by the end of the week. “You over 18? You got an ID? That’ll do. Now just hop in this car with me and we’ll head over to the Capitol right now. Remember, abortion’s bad, corporations are good, and as for everything else, you just shut the fuck up and do as your told. Got it?” At press time, after the valet nervously informed McConnell that he was hungover and had illegal drugs in his system, the laughing Senate leader assured him that wouldn’t be an issue.

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