Hello, everyone.

This is going to be a bit of a different post, and it's something that's been weighing on my mind for ages. Being from Utah, I'm surrounded by Mormons, and it's often unclear where I stand in regards to the religion. This is not something that I've discussed in detail with almost anyone, and I feel a great deal of the depression and anxiety I have is due to my silence. This is an effort to try and make sense of some of my past.

If you're Mormon or a relative, you can stop reading if you'd like. It's not going to be happy, and as religious leaders teach, this is something that should likely be avoided when searching for knowledge. I don't want to hurt your faith if the religion brings you happiness.

With that cleared up, let's get started.

The Mormon church is the single most destructive thing that has existed in my life. I want to be kind to it - I want to excuse some of the things from my life - but the positive things that came from it can never outweigh the hatred and self loathing that came from the religion.

I'll be honest; I believe this is a cult, and a lot of the religion is dedicated around controlling your thoughts and feelings. That's not always bad; we can learn to change destructive behaviors by training our mind. However, this pattern of learning is to bring people into the religion and make them dependent on it.

The thing is, you don't think that a cult does this while you're in it. It took me years since leaving to realize the pattern of manipulation that goes into it. I'd recommend checking up the BITE model; this discusses more in-depth the ways that cults control people. Here's a link: http://old.freedomofmind.com/Info/BITE/bitemodel.php

Most of this, for me, focuses around childhood and being a missionary. As children, we were baptized at 8. The reason for this age is that younger children are not capable of discerning between right and wrong; one you hit that magic age, though, you know (to some degree) when you do something wrong. The problem is, however, that people throughout their lives are told that they chose to make this promise to follow Jesus, and they have to do it throughout their whole lives. For me, I believed I had the capacity to think about my eternal future when I hadn't even learned basic division.

Growing up in the church, I was taught two huge milestones in my life - go to the temple, and go on a mission. Everyone is pushed towards the temple, but boys are especially encouraged to serve a mission. This is reinforced in Sunday school, in church talks, even in children's songs ("I Hope They Call Me On a Mission" is an extremely popular song). In addition, teens often receive a blessing from an older member of the church telling them of their future; serving a mission is often included in that. The blessing is guaranteed to happen as long as they remain faithful.

The thing is, the temple and the mission both excessively fall into the BITE model of mind control. Before going to on a mission, young adults go through various rituals (I could expand on these more in the future) in the temple, making promises to dedicate their entire life to the church in exchange for eternal salvation. Even talking about these things leads to dire consequences; the rituals used to have graphic descriptions of being disemboweled or having their throats slit for disclosing these secrets, but it's changed in recent years, likely to keep people from getting creeped out.

The mission itself is a huge method of manipulation. While other religions have missions, members generally have to study for years, possibly decades before going to teach others. They have this inner faith. For Mormons, they often go on a mission even without having read the entire Bible, and while they have faith, they have the faith of a young adult (I'd wager 99% go between ages 18-25). The mission lasts for two years.

Here, I'm going to list different aspects of the BITE model and how they applied to me as a missionary. It's going to be huge, so please be patient.

Behavior Control

2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates/isolates: For two years, I was separated from family. I was not allowed to call home; I was only able to send letters or emails once a week. In addition, I lived those two years in constant companionship with another man in another country. We never exactly knew when we'd be moved to a new city, and while there was a schedule of sorts, some missionaries received a phone call and were required to move that exact day.

3. When, how and with whom the member has sex: Obviously, missionaries could not have sex, but we also took a vow in the temple to never have sex out of marriage. The consequence for breaking that would be eternal damnation. In addition, it had to be marriage between a man and a woman.

4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles: There's a reason missionaries have a specific look and why they have the garments (or, as some people call them, "magic underwear"). Once you've been through the temple, you're required to wear those garments all the time, every day for the rest of your life.

5. Regulate diet - food and drink, hunger and/or fasting: I don't feel as big about this, but we couldn't have coffee, tea, or some of the local drinks (even though normal church members were allowed). We also were basically required to fast once a month; again, members didn't necessarily need to, but missionaries felt like it was an obligation. We also went without food if we felt like we were less faithful or if we needed a blessing.

6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep: We had a strict sleep schedule. It was enough for most at the beginning, but by the end of those two years, I was exhausted every day; I'd fall asleep while praying most nights.

7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence: Mormons are required to give 10% of their income to the church in order to stay in good standing. In addition, members pay to go on missions (or have family contribute). I would only receive a small portion of the amount my family paid, and it wasn't enough to even take busses around the city - we'd walk miles and miles each day. I was sneaky enough to use my own personal money to buy food, but many others would go without breakfast or dinner due to the small amount of money they had.

8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time: Vacation time barely existed. We were not allowed to swim, and we couldn't leave our area of the city without permission from the mission leaders. Movies and video games were completely banned.

9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet: We had two hours a day to study church writing. In addition, we were not allowed to use the Internet other than emailing our family and our leaders once a week.

10. Permission required for major decisions: We could never leave our companion. Ever. We were required to be in line of sight. We also rarely asked for anything to change because we were expected to follow our leaders exactly. Even staying out a little late for a Christmas party had to get approval, and that was only until 10:30 PM.

11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors: This is a big one. I reported everything. Whenever a missionary I knew did something that broke the rules, I reported it. Whenever I felt like I was less faithful or breaking something, I reported it. This was not unusual; you felt like people were always watching you, and your leaders would find out if you did anything outside the core rules.

12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative: We had locations on the mission where missionaries were sent if they had broken any rules. The biggest fear, though, was being sent home; people sent home from missions were shunned by the rest of the church. Even when people had to go home due to medical issues, they often have others judge them harshly. Women are taught to date ex-missionaries, so someone who is discharged dishonorably is not marriage material.

13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think: Some of the above covered this already, but you're not yourself when you're a missionary. You're taught to be a servant, and you give up everything while out there.

14. Impose rigid rules and regulations: Again, somewhat covered. Schedules, clothes, haircuts, areas where you can go are some of the rules, but thoughts and feelings are also included. In fact, every missionary had a rulebook and had to stick to everything inside.

15. Instill dependency and obedience: Pretty much already covered.

Information Control

1. Deception:

a. Deliberately withhold information: While missionaries are required to only stick to church-approved books and reading material, members are also told to never go looking for information about the church from outsiders or other sources. They're told this will hurt their faith, and these other sources are full of lies.

b. Distort information to make it more acceptable: This happens tons. Joseph Smith married dozens of women, but the church hid that. When the truth came out, they said he only married people with their consent and didn't have sexual relations with them. But then, it came out that he married girls as young as 14-years-old and other women who were already married. Also, just this week, the church is celebrating the 40th anniversary of black men being able to be leaders in the church; rather than acknowledging their past racism, they turn their change of policy into a celebration.

c. Systematically lie to the cult member: I was told black people were cursed because they were less faithful to god before coming to earth. I was told only the good stuff about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young without all the terrible stuff mixed in.

2. Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information, including:

a. Internet, TV, radio, books, articles, newspapers, magazines, other media: This has already been covered, but it's much more thorough for missionaries.

b. Critical information: Mormons massacred a group of pioneers in the Mountain Meadows Massacre. Time and time again, they tried to hide that from their members.

c. Former members: People can be excommunicated, and this is sometimes announced in the church so people stop interacting with those former members.

d. Keep members busy so they don't have time to think and investigate: This was true as a missionary, but normal church members have this, as well. Everyone gets a volunteer job in the church, and many of these require work throughout the week. You're not expected to say no since god inspired them to call you to that work.

e. Control through cell phone with texting, calls, internet tracking: Happened as a missionary.

3. Compartmentalize information into Outsider vs. Insider doctrines

a. Ensure that information is not freely accessible: Certain things can only be discussed in the temple, and missionaries often tell others much simpler things that aren't too weird. You only learn the strange stuff when you've been in the religion a long time.

b. Control information at different levels and missions within group: Only those who are worthy, of a certain age, and have been members long enough can learn the secrets of the temple. Yes, being worthy includes paying 10% of all your earnings.

c. Allow only leadership to decide who needs to know what and when: Leaders decide what is discussed in church meetings, and there are certain doctrines that are announced when leaders decide.

4. Encourage spying on other members.

a. Impose a buddy system to monitor and control member: Everyone gets "home teachers" - basically, two members assigned to that family to check up on them regularly. Women also have women assigned to visit them. This is done to teach a message and urge members to keep following church rules.

b. Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership: Again, I did this as a missionary, but a lot of people will avoid certain actions in fear of being seen, especially in Utah.

c. Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group: Confessions to church leaders are often recorded and sent to higher leaders. I had one leader approach me to discuss something sexual, even when I had never told him about it.

5. Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda (not getting into it, but the church puts out tons of media. Most people have "A Proclamation on the Family" on their walls; this specifically says that marriage is between a man and woman).

6. Unethical use of confession

a. Information about sins used to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries: I was told that being gay is just made up. You can experience same-sex attraction; you can't be gay.

b. Withholding forgiveness or absolution: As every teen did at one point or another, I masturbated. I had a bishop ask me about this, and I had felt terrible. He asked me probing questions about frequency and habits. After, he made me abstain from church activities and from the sacrament; it was a public way to shame me. I was only 14. He also had code words to ask if I was still masturbating. He never told me I was forgiven. I started hating and abusing myself because of that. This issue was somewhat better on the mission, but I had one companion who would constantly stay out past our scheduled time to get back, and he knew he was breaking the rules. He'd pray for forgiveness for a half hour, an hour, then mop up his sweat and tears, only to receive no response from a silent god.

Thought Control

1. Require members to internalize the group's doctrine as truth.

a. Adopting the group's "map of reality" as reality: I mean, Mormons believe that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri. They also believe that Adam created the world and that they'll become a god if they're faithful. These are not uncommon beliefs. There are other strange beliefs, but if it's taught by the church, it's expected that they believe it.

b. Instill black and white thinking: All other religions are viewed as abominations and evil organizations leading people away from Jesus and salvation.

c. Decide between good vs. evil: I remember a lesson when I was 5 or 6 that taught me I had to choose between good and evil. Anything that went against the church was evil. While I had that choice, technically, I didn't really; I had to do whatever it took in my life to stay true to the religion.

d. Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders): Uh, yeah, people really didn't interact much with others outside the religion, and we were super cautious - we didn't want to get led astray.

2. Change person's name and identity: In the blessing as a teenager, I learned I belonged to the tribe of Ephraim. I also received a new name in the temple - Benjamin; I was told God would call me this to bring me over to the highest level of heaven.

3. Use of loaded language and cliches with constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words: While there are tons of examples, "Follow the Prophet" is the biggest one. Basically, members are expected to follow everything that the prophet says, even if it doesn't make sense. "Choose the Right" is also a cliche; what's right, as taught in the church, is whatever the church says is right.

4. Encourage only "good and proper" thoughts: I was taught that thoughts led to discussions, then discussions led to actions. I had to control my thoughts in order to control my actions.

7. Teaching thought-stopping techniques which shut down reality testing by stopping negative thoughts: It's hard to say exactly what applied here, but several things were. Members were often taught to think of a church hymn or a scripture if they started having bad thoughts.

8. Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism: When I was a missionary, I had a week where my knee just stopped bending. It had to be some sort of medical issue, but I kept walking miles, even running home with an unbending leg at one point. Serving was more important than taking care of my health. There are other examples from scriptures where there's no rational explanation for things happening, but people are told they don't have enough faith if they don't believe it.

9. Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed: "Follow the Prophet." Mormons believe god will not let their leader lead them astray.

10. Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful: Discussed already, but every religion outside of Mormonism is considered an abomination.

Emotional Control

1. Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings - some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong, or selfish: Members promise to devote all their time, property, and resources to the church when they go through the temple. Anything that doesn't contribute to helping the church can be seen as selfish. People will sometimes give up helping their family in order to pay their 10% tithing to the church.

2. Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt: This was definitely true on my mission. Any doubt I felt during those two years felt like a sin, and I had to fight it. I also had to go two years trying to forget my family and devote myself entirely to the religion.

3. Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader's or the group's fault: The religion changes policies or rules from time to time, and they view it as divinely inspired; however, they rarely if ever question the decisions made before because that prophet was supposed to be infallible. In addition, local leaders are supposed to be able to get divine inspiration for their subordinates; if you disobey a leader, you disobey god.

4. Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as:

a. Identity guilt: As discussed before, I was told that I wasn't gay because nobody was gay; they only felt attractions. This completely denied my identity, and I believed it for years.

b. You are not living up to your potential: The blessing I got as a teen said I was a "valiant spirit in the pre-existence." Basically, I was an awesome angel, so I had to live up to my previous greatness.

c. Your family is deficient: The church teaches tons about how families can be together forever. If you don't do your best, you're letting everyone down, not just yourself.

5. Instill fear, such as fear of:

a. Thinking independently: There's a lot of information discouraging people from studying and becoming knowledgeable. Members definitely are discouraged from researching the church as seen by outsiders.

b. The outside world: Well, the rest of the world is full of sinners, so it's understandable that they're afraid.

c. Enemies: As missionaries, we actively believed that Satan and his followers would try everything they could to stop us. One missionary thought I became possessed at one point, and I believed others had been possessed by devils.

d. Losing one's salvation: This is huge.

e. Leaving or being shunned by the group: Missionaries face this, especially if they come home early; it's hard for people who don't become missionaries or for those who return early to get a date within the religion.

6. Extremes of emotional highs and lows - love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you a horrible sinner: I had this happen a few times when talking to leaders, especially as a missionary. Even when they praised you for baptizing someone, they could criticize you for having less success in other areas.

8. Phobia indoctrination, inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader's authority:

a. No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group: We actually taught that there was a difference between "happiness" and "joy." Happiness is what others claim to have; joy is the true happiness that comes from knowing god. Only Mormons had joy.

b. Terrible consequences if you leave (hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents): While being eternally condemned was one of those, other blessings or promises that had been made to me were on the condition of me remaining faithful. One of these promises was staying financially stable; I believed I would be poor if I left the church or was less faithful.

c. Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends, peers, and family: Frankly, coming out as gay was terrifying, but I still hesitate to tell my family how I feel about the church. People get disowned for that, and I know tons of people who were completely shut off from family and friends after leaving the religion.

d. Never a legitimate reason to leave: Yes, only sinners and followers of Satan leave the church. To leave a mission, only health problems are somewhat forgivable; any other reason means you just are not as dedicated as others.

This has been a long list, and while Mormonism doesn't hit every point of the mind control list, it hits over 90% of them. The scary thing is that, being born into the religion, it's almost impossible to see those techniques until long after you've left. I was indoctrinated to hate myself if I ever left, and I did. Oh, I did.

I'm trying to get better, though, and sharing this with others is what's helping me. It's still hard sometimes, and I still get angry about how much of my life I lost to self-hatred, but I'm hoping I'm a better person for escaping.

I know this will likely be hard for some people reading, but if you could, just step back and think about some of these tools. They're not inherently all bad - if you have them in your life but they make you better, they may be being used in a positive manner. However, if these tools are creating self-hatred, fear, depression, anxiety, or anything else negative in your life, take a good look and see if these are controlling you. If so, try to find a way out of those negatives. It's hard, but it's worth it. I almost committed suicide for the religion. Don't ever let yourself get that close.