How to be the perfect victim – a how-to guide for good girls.

TW for victim-blaming, sexism and racism – many direct quotations included.

Don’t feed the trolls

If you react in any way other than with silence to people threatening you, you deserve the threats. It is really very simple. Shut up and be a good girl.

Don’t be silent

If someone sets up a day of silence, this is your fault and you are stupid for suggesting it – although don’t forget you should have shut up in the first place. But given you haven’t, you must now not shut up. When you don’t shut up however, you will be ungrateful. Don’t consider suggesting that it is unfair and you can’t win either way. You brought this on yourself by making yourself public property. You asked for this, remember?

Maintain good humour throughout

In the midst of receiving up to a threat a minute, it is absolutely imperative that you not swear, speak angrily, or in any other way act with anything other than grace, and with a smile. If you lose your patience for one second, you deserve all you get for not behaving like a lady.

Engage with everyone who wants to debate with you over how you are reacting

This is crucial. The fact that your mental energy is somewhat used up by coping with the threats is immaterial; it is your duty to engage with thousands of people all asking you the same question / “challenging” you with various degrees of rudeness. You must repeat yourself over and over, and you must do so with a smile. Otherwise you are a bitch. And you deserve it.

Don’t block anyone who hasn’t directly issued rape threats

This means that you aren’t blocking people who *are* issuing rape threats – #logic. This makes you a hypocrite. Furthermore, if you block someone who innocently tells you not to feed the trolls in your fifth day of rape threats, or someone who asks you why you hate men, why you’re such a media-hungry bitch, why you won’t accept that your version of conservative feminism isn’t up to scratch, why why why you’re wrong wrong wrong, ENGAGE WITH ME, DEBATE WITH ME, you are akin to China. Or the Nazis. Heil @CCriadoPerez. Dealing with rape threats is not your priority right now. Your priority must be to debate with the thousands of people who want to tell you exactly why you’re wrong and they’re right. Failure to do this means you impinge on their freedom to be listened to – this is the logical extension of freedom of speech. Oh and don’t forget, if you don’t do this, you deserve it.

Don’t have a foreign name

This will only incite your first experience of racism. And your name will of course be the reason you are receiving the threats. You deserve it you spic bitch, you Miss Thingy, you fucking foreigner. Don’t be fucking foreign and receive rape threats. Otherwise you are a dumb whore. And we all know what dumb whores deserve, right?

But at the same time, don’t be white and middle-class

This means that you don’t deserve any empathy whatsoever, because other women who’ve been through the same haven’t. You may think it’s sad that rather than go the other way and ask for empathy and police action for all women, people would rather that NO woman receives empathy, but you would be wrong. You’re white and middle-class. Check your fucking rape threat privilege.

Don’t have a past

If there is anything from your past that shows you in anything but an angelic light (that’s everyone then), or that distinguishes you from Mother Theresa, this will mean that you deserved weeks of rape and death threats. Again, simple. So if you’re not an angel, for the love of god don’t have people threaten to rape or kill you. Or maybe you should just expect it cos, you know, asking for it.

Don’t speak to the media

By using your voice to highlight the abuse, you are showing that you are not being silenced by the rape and death threats. If you were really bothered, you would be quiet. Also, you are a famehag, a media-hungry whore, an attention-seeker crying your way to the bank. Never forget that for whipping up this storm all by yourself, you deserve it.

If you are enough of a media whore to speak to the media, do your hair

If you don’t do your hair, if you just scramble it into a bun due to having other things other than primping on your mind, you are not lady-like. This is unacceptable. While receiving rape and death threats, it is imperative that you present yourself with grace at all times.

Don’t go to the police

To do this you are again impinging on free speech, worse than China, and also you’re ruining the life of an innocent young man who merely wanted to smash you up the arse, drown and rape you for being a witch, set up accounts to tell you he would find you, rape you and kill you. Just grow a pair, quit whining and SHUT THE FUCK UP – aka, do what the man wanted in the first place

Solve all other problems in the world while receiving threats

If you don’t you are not simply a woman trying to keep her head above water, you are a racist transphobic bigot blinded by her own privilege. Don’t argue, bigot. And you probably deserve it.

I hope this step-by-step helps all other prospective victims get through their victimhood. Because people, don’t forget, victimhood is aspirational. It brings you fame and fortune. And who doesn’t want that eh?

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