Keep Your Desk Area Clutter-Free

A messy workspace can easily lead to a serious accident, such as a slip, fall, or electrical fire. To make sure that your desk area is in fact clutter-free, get rid of anything that might remind you of the personal life you once had. Not only will you be safer, you’ll also be less distracted and will have much more room for actual work material. It can be difficult to throw things away, but you don’t want your diploma getting lonely in the garbage can.

Sit Up Straight

Failure to sit up straight, with your shoulders squared, may result in back pain or one of your bosses being able to see what’s on your computer screen. You don’t want to be paying for physical-therapy sessions. Even if whatever Web site you’re looking at isn’t bad enough to get you fired, you still won’t be able to afford physical therapy. And you’re pretty certain you don’t have the kind of health insurance that helps with anything, if you have it at all.

Follow the 20/20/20 Rule

Every twenty minutes, take a break from looking at your computer screen by going to the bathroom and staring at yourself in the mirror. Mutter something about how you’re wasting your twenties for twenty seconds, or until you start to weep. Excessive crying will only further dry out your eyes, though, so make sure to cut yourself off.

Keep a Stress-Relief Accessory Handy

The office can be a stressful environment. It may seem like you’re the only one who’s feeling that stress—or, as your boss put it, “losing it”—but that’s far from the truth. Having one of those malleable foam balls within reach can be a big help when it comes to coping with your troubles. If you ever feel overwhelmed, or like you want to act out or speak to someone in H.R. about your concerns, simply start squeezing that sphere until the stress melts away, or until you’re using it as a ball gag.

Maintain Proper Hand Placement While Typing

Keep your fingers on the home row and your head off the keyboard at all times, even when the guy who wears his Washington football jersey to work the day after each of the team's victories gets a promotion. Now that Gary has his own office, you will no longer be subjected to his suspiciously inviting high-fives, not to mention your ridiculous but undeniable desire to make contact with his ever elusive low-five.

Stay Active

Though your work will most likely keep you seated at your desk for the majority of the day, there are still plenty of things that you can do to keep your body in motion. One good option is to rock back and forth in the fetal position every time you realize that this isn’t what you thought life would be, and that there’s really not much you can do about it outside of winning the lottery or trying out one of those standing desks. Yeah, those seem like fun.