CULVER CITY, CA—During an introduction of the show’s game board Friday, grinning Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek reportedly unveiled a series of highly intrusive categories about current champion James Holzhauer’s personal life before snickering, “Let’s see you answer these, James.”


“You’ve been able to handle pretty much everything else we’ve thrown at you, but these clues might just wipe that fucking smirk off your face,” Trebek said as the studio lights abruptly darkened in tandem with a booming, ominous sound cue, introducing the game’s Double Jeopardy categories, which included “Times James Pissed His Pants,” “Reasons James’ Father Is Disappointed In Him,” and “How James’ Wife Really Feels About Him.” “Go ahead, smart-ass. Take your pick.”

A flustered Holzhauer appeared to be caught off guard when his eighth-grade teacher, recorded remotely at his former middle school, narrated a clue that read, “James had to start seeking therapy at age 13 after having this done to him regularly by a bully.” Before the 31-time champion could hit the buzzer, first-time contestant Mary Engel jumped in to correctly identify the question as, “What is getting depantsed, shoved into the girls’ locker room, and laughed at by classmates as they point at your penis?”


At press time, sources confirmed a cackling Trebek revealed the episode’s Final Jeopardy clue to be, “Celebrating a gambling victory following the 2018 World Series, James couldn’t achieve an erection while attempting to sleep with a prostitute at this famed Las Vegas hotel.”