Cynthia says that Eric puts the “rump” in Trump. Photo: Oli Scarff/AFP/Getty Images

New Girl creator Liz Meriwether, who covered the RNC and DNC for Vulture, can’t stop thinking and writing about the election. So for the next three months, she’ll be doing that here.

***

We’re in a conference room in the Trump Organization. Eric Trump — 30s, blond, James Spader meets King Joffrey meets the robot in Ex Machina — approaches Cynthia, a powerful woman.



Trump: Hey, Cynthia, do you mind if we have a little talk?

Cynthia: Sure, E-balls. You look great today. Is that a new hair gel?

Trump: It’s —

Cynthia: It smells good. Like apples or something. Makes me hungry for apples. You know those sticky apples covered in caramel that you just want to put in your mouth and just chew? Just chew, chew, chew …

Trump: Are you smelling me?

Cynthia: Your hair is so hard. It’s like a door. Knock, knock.

Trump: Cynthia —

Cynthia: I don’t know what’s harder — your hair or your tight little ass! It’s like you’ve got two Trump Towers coming right out of the back of your pants. I’d invest in an apartment in one of those buildings! I’ll move right in. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Trump: You’re saying that you’d like to move into an apartment inside a building made out of my butt cheeks.

Cynthia: That’s right. I don’t know if you still drive a Caterpillar, but I’ve got a construction site I think needs a little work —

Cynthia looks down at her crotch. Then she very clearly points at her crotch.

Cynthia: It’s in my pants.

Trump: I knew it was in your pants. You didn’t have to say it. Can you just stop, please?

Cynthia: What? I’m just kidding. We’re just having fun. Wow, you can’t take a joke!

Trump: Listen. This is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Some of your comments have been making me feel a little uncomfortable. In meetings with clients and — what you make me wear around the office —

Cynthia: The skintight daredevil outfit? I love it.

Trump: Yeah. It isn’t comfortable.

Cynthia: You look great. I’m not paying you all this money to hide you in a plain old suit. People need to see your body, Eric. That’s what the clients want. You’ve got to play the game a little.

Trump: Fine. It’s just very tight. And when it gets hot, it smells like smoked turkey. And the sparkles keep falling off.

Cynthia: Is it smushing your frank and beans?

Trump: Cynthia!

Cynthia: Fine. No more bodysuits. Anything else?

Trump: Well. Actually. Yesterday, you told me I had to go down on you or I would lose my job.

Cynthia: For at least 45 minutes. While Adele is playing. But not “Someone Like You” or I’ll cry!

Trump: I am not going to do that —

Cynthia: Come on. It’s the way it works. You won’t even mess up your hair. I can give you a shower cap and some protective eye-gear —

Trump: Cynthia. I will never do that with you. This has to stop.

Cynthia: Don’t look at me. This is your fault.

Trump: What?

Cynthia: You’re weak. You’re a weak person. If you were stronger or more powerful, I wouldn’t be doing any of it.

Trump: I’m Eric Trump! I’m a strong person, and I’m telling you to stop.

Cynthia: No, I mean, if you were a really strong person, you would just leave this job. You would have already left by now.

Trump: Why would I leave my job when you’re the one doing this to me?

Cynthia: Because I’m not the one who’s uncomfortable? The one who is uncomfortable in the situation should leave. Everyone knows that.

Trump: This is my father’s company, I can’t leave —

Cynthia: Of course you can, just get another job! What are your qualifications?

Trump: I don’t know. I’ve hunted big game?

Cynthia: Come on, you’ll be fine. There are too many jobs in America. People have too many options for work. Just get one of those extra American jobs. Try something new! What about being a dentist?

Trump: Why would I be a dentist?

Cynthia: Why wouldn’t you be a dentist? You can be my dentist. I’ve got a cavity that needs filling right here —

Cynthia assumes a bowlegged stance and begins creeping toward Eric. He tries to run but trips over a chair.

Trump: Aaah! Cynthia! That’s not even that creative! And that really hurt! And look! I ripped my daredevil suit!

Cynthia: Are you not wearing underwear under that thing?

Trump: I can’t. It’s too tight. It will mess up the line.

Cynthia: [Whistles.]

Trump: Please stop whistling.

Cynthia: [Whistles.]

Trump: Fine. I’ll just stand here until you stop.

Cynthia: [Whistles.]

Trump: CYNTHIA!

Cynthia: Okay. Wow. Calm down. Calm down. Relax. Wow. We don’t have to get so emotional. Fine, don’t leave this job. Stay. But if something’s making you uncomfortable, then handle it yourself. As an individual. That’s what individuals do, they handle things.

Trump: Okay. Then I am asking you, once and for all, to please stop talking to me this way.

Cynthia: [Laughs for a long time.]

Trump: Cynthia.

Cynthia: I just — [Laughs] — No, it’s just — you’re like, “Please stop!” — and I’m like: “Why would I do that?” You think you can just ask me to stop and I’ll stop?

Trump: But you told me to handle it, so how else am I supposed to handle it?

Cynthia: I don’t know. Seems like you’re not very good at handling things. Maybe you should get demoted. I mean, why aren’t you working right now? Why are you sitting here talking to me?

Trump: How can I work and handle this at the same time?

Cynthia: Sounds like this job might be too much for you.

Eric screams for a long, long time. It’s primal and scary and sounds like a dying animal. A sparkle falls off his daredevil costume.

Trump: You know what, fine, I’ll leave. I’ll get a new job.

Cynthia: See? Good. You finally handled something on your own. That’s what I like to see: strength. Power. Good luck with everything. And, look, now that we don’t work together, do you want to go out some time? We could just get dinner. Or do you like kites?

Trump stares at her. Like the villain in Casino Royale, a small tear of blood falls out of his eye and down his face.