The following address appeared on my nightstand last week with instructions to publish. Against my better judgement, I’ve done just that.

Gentle reader, in your time enjoying the, er, “information” this website is fond of publishing, you’ve probably asked yourself this question from time to time.

How does one become a wizard?

Well I’ll let you in on a secret the higher ups DON’T want you to know.

It’s books. That’s right, books.

Imagine taking the coolest thing of all time (magic spells) and disgracing it by making it so boring you could read it in a book.

That’s what wizards do ALL THE TIME.

Shocking, I know.

But, contrary to what a wizard may tell you, there are other (better) ways to be a spell-caster.

Of course you could pray all day and be a cleric, but that still involves a fair bit of book reading.

You could be a sorcerer, but that involves one of your ancestors getting busy with a dragon or something so it’s kind of the luck of the draw.

You could always do whatever it is druids do, if you can figure out what the fuck that is.

And then there’s the best way.

The warlock way!

There are beings in this universe with more power than they know what to do with, and they are just lining up to share it — with YOU!

The Fiends, the Fey, and the Others are always looking for a little side action with an industrious mortal like yourself.

All the spell-casting ability, none of the reading! You’ll just be TOLD how to do it!

It’s quick! It’s easy! It’s pretty much free!

Just pick up an errand or two for your friendly otherworldly patron and unlock all the powers you always wanted!

If being a warlock sounds right for you (of course it does) then just mix a little bit of your blood with some jasmine tea, drink it, go out to the woods on a full moon, and sing Greensleeves backwards. When the doorman greets you, tell him Baphomet sent you. He’ll show you where to go.

Once you get down here, we can begin the contract! We’ll take a little something from you as collateral (a very small thing, you won’t even miss it) and you can start your adventure right then and there!

Don’t let your dreams be dreams!