The gift I received this year transcends any meager words I could use to describe it. It is a work of the supernatural, a modern miracle. In a word: Coffee.

"Coffee?" You ask, sarcasm dripping from both syllables, your world-weary face locked in an almost despising sneer.

But this is no mere coffee. This is an organically grown, fairly traded, hope-and-life-giving nectar crafted by what must surely be higher beings from another world. It's rich, dark hue draws the eye, beckoning you into a world of peace and good will to all. The pleasing aroma of each cup literally, literally wraps you in a steamy hug of blissful comfort that will leave you grinning like a fool for six to twenty-four hours.

This rapturous gift would have been enough by itself, but my most secretive of Santas has taken it to the next level. Some might say too far, but not I. In order to fully enjoy this ecstasy-inducing bean water, they have provided me with reading material. I have no idea how long they must have slaved away, carefully weighing my likes and dislikes, calculating each possible future path that my life might take, and gifting me this exact book, so that by reading it, I might become the greatest version of myself.

Truly, this festive season will go down as the most influential, the most memorable, and the most caffeinated in all of recorded human history.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.