AN: More one-shot stuff. Thinking about making this into a series of one-shots from the same universe. Basically, I'm just fleshing out my writing style; seeing what works and what does not. Thank you to everyone from the HP fanfiction subreddit for their constructive criticism, support and suggestions!

As always, this was written in single setting when the whim was upon me. I apologize for any severe errors in "plot" (lol like there's actually a plot here), continuity or any such thing.

This chapter turned out mostly crackfic, fair warning.

Hope you enjoy! Leave a review or a favorite if you actually like my trash.

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. Really. I do.

No More Planning for You, Harry Potter

At the top of the tallest skyscrapers, wind speeds reach an excess of 100 kilometers per hour.

According to one Hermione Granger, "The terminal velocity of the human body is about 192 kilometers per hour, why do you want to know? Harry, what's that look for? Harry, I know that look. Harry James Potter, what in Merlin's name are you scheming?!" The last was said with a bit of a shrill shriek, a fact adamantly denied by said Granger.

Harry Potter, with the aid of a mundane spell applied in the most unique manner, was currently free falling at around 210 kilometers per hour from the peak of the Burj Khalifa with a weakly powered Protego spell in front of him.

"This plan is absolutely the most mental thing ever thought up." After this ringing endorsement, the youngest son of Arthur and Molly Weasley grinned in a devious manner completely unbecoming of any self-respecting Gryffindor. His explanation of how one's mindset can sometimes affect the actions of certain spells was in-depth and very informative.

Let it never be said that Ronald Weasley was stupid.

To all that is holy, I will never listen to another word he says while smiling like that.

"I'm an excellent flyer, Hermione, I don't see why you think this will go pear-shaped."

"There is quite a difference between flying on a broom and jumping off the Burj Khalifa, Harry!"

A pause.

"All your plans do tend to go pear-shaped, mate, sorry."

A collection of eavesdropped conversations, spying and rumors spurred them towards this plan and Harry Potter found himself partially regretting his decision to go ahead with it.

Partially.

Despite the healthy dose of fear clenching his heart, the exhilaration of the jump was pretty damn fun.

After eavesdropping on a conversation of two Death Eaters, Hermione had learned there was an affluent pureblood in the Middle East ardently supporting Voldemort's cause. Karam Assaf importing untraceable cursed items of the blackest kind; receiving endorsement from Voldemort for his own coup he had planned in return. This endorsement was given in the (rumored) form of an object of power from Voldemort himself.

Harry promptly decided that this object was a Horcrux and further decided to steal it. Never mind that this decision was made cemented into his brain with a strong dose of Firewhiskey.

"Honestly, Harry, what did you expect? This manner of debacle is why we all agreed that Ron and I do the strategizing! In fact, it was your idea you don't make plans anymore!"

A pause.

"Er…Hermione, doesn't Harry coming up with that idea kind of ruin the point you're making?

A sigh.

"Yes. Yes, you're right. Still…Damn it, Harry." Hermione cursing was slightly less surprising than her admitting Ron was right about something. Neither happened very often and almost never in the same setting.

Right, this is why I leave the strategies to Hermione and Ron, and I do the fighting.

Bollocks, I'm really going fast.

Why did they even agree to doing this anyway?

Oh, right. I got them drunk too.

That was bloody stupid.

Further discreet inquiries (read: liberal usages of a certain invisibility cloak, memory charms and illegal Legilimency) revealed that he was currently vacationed in the Royal Suite at the Burj Khalifa. If the object was indeed a Horcrux (of that, Harry was convinced it was) the pureblood most likely would not let it leave his possession.

There was no better time to steal it than when he was away from his heavily warded and defended home.

Unfortunately, Karam was consistently guarded by no less than ten hired wands at all time, with thirty in rotation over all. Each had sworn an Unbreakable Vow to his protection until the termination of their employment.

The plan was as follows: Harry would go to the 25th floor and make some noise, as it were. Normally the Statute of Secrecy would complicate matters, but no one bothered with it anymore.

Voldemort had done a very good job of announcing his presence and his abilities to both worlds. His destruction of the Tower of London had been very public and very panic-inducing. The Obliviator Squads were good but not so good as to remove a publically televised event. Videos circulated the world within minutes.

Hermione and Ron would stay on the 27th floor masquerading as newlyweds. Hermione had blushed rather prettily at this suggestion but surprisingly agreed after only a token protestation. That being said, Ron had, not so surprisingly, blushed harder than Hermione when Harry had suggestively mentioned how luxurious the bed and baths were supposed to be.

Harry was slightly stumped that Hermione was almost eager to stay while Ron was the one blushing and hesitating. They had been together for well over two years now.

His comment about pants and who was wearing them was not appreciated by either party.

Harry was to make his way to the Royal Suite and use his Patronus Charm to send portkey coordinate information to the two not-newlyweds. His invisibility cloak would serve to get him past the guards but once the charm was sent, he would have to fight his way out.

The bodyguards were among the best that could be hired, but no one short of Dumbledore or Voldemort could hope to match him anymore. Getting to the top floor would be almost no-contest.

However, different Horcruxes affected him in different ways. He did not want to be debilitated in combat and thus would have to rid himself of the body guards away from the Royal Suite. It had happened once and had cost him two broken bones, a toenail and the Horcrux itself. He still wasn't sure where Voldemort had that one hidden away, now.

Two or three bodyguards would most likely stay with Karam while the others gave chase to Harry. It was standard tactics.

Hermione and Ron would short-distance portkey to the room. There is a reason Apparition is typically used for short distances. Portkeys require a long distance to stabilize in magic and flight before arrival. This process is what throws many wizards off balance when they arrive after travel. If there is not enough time to stabilize, the magical backlash of landing is enough to stun an average wizard with the strength of a standard Stupefy.

A quickly cast Protego negates the effects but the suddenness of arrival and the strength of the backlash typically prevent any sort of defense.

Hermione and Ron would use this to their advantage and constrain the remaining wizards, Karam and company. After throwing up anti-Apparition wards, they would then vanish one of the windows of the Suite.

Meanwhile, Harry would battle his way up to the roof of the Burj Khalifa, luring the bodyguards along the way and hopefully getting rid of a few.

Brooms were banned in this part of the Middle East after a strange cult of Islamic extremism and wizarding had used them in unique jihadist manners. Furthermore, the magic used to power the brooms was warded against, making them less useful than even a normal broom

There were brooms that you could get a permit for but they only went up to 75 kilometers per hour and you had to get an entirely different permit just to go above 50 kilometers per hour.

Thus, Harry had to reach a speed that would not only allow him to outrun the sight of the bodyguards but also shave time off the mission.

There was no telling how quickly the additional twenty bodyguards out of rotation could be called in.

Thus, to save on time, Harry jumped off the Burj Khalifa and promptly rotated himself to face the earth. He heard the bodyguards shouting behind him and several spells spiraled past him.

Two seconds were spent falling into a much practiced (mostly through trial-error-and-bruises) mindset.

The ground was up.

The enemy's gate was up.

Heh.

"Ascendio!" The properties of the spell streamlined his body to the air in ways it could not be naturally. A small surge of power at his feet propelled him faster through the air and he was no longer freefalling.

He was flying without a broom!

Well, I'm flying directly towards the ground which is typically the opposite direction one wants to go.

It still counted in Harry Potter's mind.

"Protego!" He purposely cast the spell weakly enough to prevent interferences with his streamlining but just enough to act as a poor-wizard's goggles.

The Royal Suite was swiftly approaching his view, the vanished window sticking out like a wart on a thumb that was attached to a hand without any other fingers. The application of a Notice-Me charm as opposed to a Notice-Me-Not charm would tend to do that.

Ron cast a quick Arresto Momentum and Hermione was right on his heels with a gentle cry of "Accio Harry!"

Harry was summoned right through the open window and onto the bed.

"That bed was even more luxurious than I dreamed it to be. How was your bed?"

A pause.

"Ron that color of red on your face doesn't suit your hair color."

"Harry, don't be crass!"

"Well?"

"The bed was nice…"

"Hermione. Gross. And that's enough wine. Too much information."

He hopped up off the bed, breathing somewhat heavily from excitement and immediately frowned.

"I don't sense it."

Hermione's frown joined his. "It's not here?"

Harry cursed and waved his wand about the room, opening drawers, suitcases and bags. "There's got to be something."

Ron laid his hand on his arm. "Mate, there wasn't much of a chance that there was a Horcrux here in the first place. Let's face it, this was a bust."

Harry sighed and lowered his wand. A couple of years ago he might have vainly carried on but he had long since learned the value of Ron's simple wisdom. "Yeah, you're probably right, mate."

Hermione's horrified gasp followed by a strangled sort of yelp gained their immediate attention.

She was holding a pair of Omnioculars that she jerked away from her eyes.

A haunted look filled them and she seemed to shrink in on herself.

Ron was at her side at an instant, rubbing her back worriedly. "Hermione? Hermione, what is it?"

Hermione's hands shook as she handed the Omnioculars to Harry. "There is not enough alcohol on the planet that will allow me to forget I ever saw that."

Harry put the device to his eyes as Ron looked on curiously.

The blood drained from Harry's face and he couldn't get the Omnioculars away from his face fast enough.

"Gah!" Words failed Harry as he scrubbed at his eyes desperately.

Hermione was very near hysterics as she giggled hollowly. "Voldemort gave Karam knowledge. Knowledge is power. Blackmail is knowledge."

Harry sat down heavily on the ground. "Bloody hell, why?" he whined plaintively. "Why did that need to exist?"

Ron's rich lunch was on its way down to the pavement below at this point, having viewed the contents of the Omnioculars.

Ron gazed woodenly about the room and slowly went about re-stunning the stirring bodyguards plus Karam.

He turned to Hermione and Harry.

"We're leaving and going back to Grimmauld Place and we're going to drink ourselves into the deepest of stupors. Then we are never, ever going to speak of this again.

"Mate, if you ever convince us to do something like that again, I'm going to tell my Mum about it. In detail. You know what I'm talking about."

Freckled hands tossed back a finger of Ogden's Firewhiskey.

"Ron, if I ever even think of doing something like that again, you have my permission to do so."

A lightning bolt scar creased as a glass of ale was swallowed.

"Honestly, boys, I tried to tell you…"

Bushy hair was pushed out of the way as a drink of red wine was consumed.

A broken pair of Omnioculars sat in the corner, twisted and scorched from several Confringos and one useless, but heartfelt Avada Kedavra.

Apparently, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was, very much so, a homosexual.

In conversation, the Golden Trio later agreed that the whole ordeal was a piss poor idea and Harry Potter was to never make the plans ever again.

Ever.

AN: Always fun times with Harry Potter and Co.

Leave a favorite or a review if you liked!

If you didn't…well, you can leave a review too but only if you tell me what you didn't like and how you think I can fix it.

If you want to flame me…go ahead. I laugh in the face of flames! Ha ha ha ha!

Actually…that's probably why I don't have any eyebrows left.

Kariska out.