Official United States Department of Education Grizzly Bear Policy

The United States Department of Education is committed to providing all students of means a learning environment free from harassment by grizzly bears.

Bear attacks are responsible for the death of approximately three people every year in North America, making bear attacks one of the most significant causes of death among certain sectors of the population. We cannot place a limit on the value of human life vs. the threat of a species that due to its violent nature, neither provides political contributions nor employs lobbyists to provide junkets to golf resorts.

The Department is encouraging all schools to adopt a three-step policy: Discouragement, Deterrence, and Defense

Discouragement

Like most of our programs aimed at decreasing violence, including our sexual violence policy (See Education Department brochure “You Shouldn’t Have Dressed That Way, Barbara”) our Grizzly Bear Policy places its prime focus on not being a target. It is critically important that you work to make your school facilities unattractive to bears. Based on our research consisting of a viewing of The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh we have determined that all schools should immediately divest themselves of any caches of “hunny” and cancel any apiary programs.

Further research, consisting of a viewing of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy has indicated that menstruation has been shown to attract bears. In light of this, all females in a state of menses are forbidden from attending school until they have been certified clear by a family doctor or religious practitioner after bringing two turtles or two young pigeons to the tabernacle for a sin offering. Likewise, use of school facilities for meetings of MENSA is discouraged, because bears have poor reading skills and may not be able to determine the difference.

Deterrence

Our bipartisan commission was divided on the best method of deterrence, so we are providing both solutions in the interest of balance.

The members of the commission who were holdovers from the previous administration recommended using “door” technology, which they claim has historically been a very effective means of keeping grizzly bears out of buildings. They were unable to provide citations and academic studies to back up their claims, however.

More cutting-edge members of the commission suggest a new vision featuring a bear-deterrent moat around the perimeter of schools, which could be stocked with fish to help supplement cuts to the school lunch program.

Defense

Schools are to immediately set up an armory adjacent to the faculty lounge stocked with the following to be purchased from our official vendor, DeVos School Supplies, LLC: Tactical Body Armor x 10, AR-15 Semiautomatic Rifle (or equivalent) x 10, M7 Bayonet x 5, Scope x 2, Night Vision Scope x 2, 1000 rounds of ammunition, Flash Grenades x 20, XM395 120mm GPS guided mortar system with at least ten rounds of munitions.

Schools should conduct in-service training for all personnel to be conducted as part of the security contract specified below.

Schools are expected to establish a security contract with one of the following: Blackwater Security Company, Xe Services LLC, Academi, Constellis Holdings, or whatever the company changes its name to next. The specifications for the military contract are spelled out in Document 114.56(2017) “Security Specifications for Public Schools” or Document 114.57(2017) “Enhanced Security Specifications for Charter Schools.”