If you're going to live as a non-biped, you're going to have to get used to it. For one thing, you need to learn how to fall. Not just in terms of coping mentally and psychologically, but how to tuck and roll for the least painful impact possible when you inevitably eat it on a wet, tiled floor when using crutches. Let's say you lose your balance and go down at Walmart: if you've got a choice between falling into the $4 Soccer Mom Special wine rack or the pile of memory foam pillows, go for the softer and less glass-heavy option. Don't worry -- you get plenty of fucking practice.

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Although screaming "WOO!" as you nosedive into Cleveland's finest merlot also makes for a pretty good bar story.

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Oh whoops, did I mention that all of this happened the day after my 26th birthday? As in, "the day you lose health coverage under your parents by federal law"? Yep, I managed to miss that window by less than 12 hours. So, on top of the whole "losing 50 percent of my feet and 100 percent of limited dancing skills" mess, I'm saddled with well over $60,000 in medical bills. There are disability benefits, food stamps and Medicaid to help -- none of which I qualified for! Since all of these agencies preferred not to play a game of hot potato with that ever-growing pile of debt, it took over a year to even begin physical therapy and to get the aforementioned pirate peg leg (the incident happened in early March 2013, and I was finally fitted for a prosthesis in August 2014). As of writing this, it hasn't been that long since they bolted on a glorified plunder, and already, I'm up strutting around as a cyborg. It's such a great feeling to be able to truly look down on people again!

Ryan Jarcy

It's not really enough prosthetics to justify doing a RoboCop voice, but damned if I don't anyway.

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Yet here I am, standing on my own, with a grin from ear to ear and a nauseating memory of how poor weapon-handling can ruin a birthday. Big, big thanks to OtterBox, the timely EMS services of West Texas, and Obamacare (plus all my loved ones and their unconditional support, I guess) for assisting the Dumbest Gun Owner Alive in his recovery. Kids, always treat weapons with the utmost respect and/or don't fucking play with guns while dialing a phone. They don't take well to on-the-spot, unplanned amateur surgery hobbyists, trust me on that.

Ryan Jarcy still owns several guns and is an immediate danger to himself and those around him. Check out the full story and some disgusting pictures at RyanJarcy.com. The full and illustrated version is even more hilarious! Consider donating to the charities listed on his site if this made you laugh, cringe, or just throw up a little.

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For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Ways Movies Get Gunfights Wrong (Based on Experience) and 5 Terrible Things I Learned Working as a 911 Dispatcher.

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