Yesterday in a press release, head pastor of the hip Sojourn church, Taylor Parrish, said everyone that attends his church admitted they were gay recently.

“It was a really powerful moment” says Parrish. “I was praying before the service started and I asked everyone to bow their heads.”

This is when Parrish says the unthinkable happened.

“I told anyone that has been having nasty homosexual thoughts to raise their hands and let God see them.”

Seconds later Parrish raised his head to look around the room and all 1500 churchgoers had their hands raised, including himself.

“I didn’t know what to say. Everyone sort of looked up at the same time and there was just a big sigh of relief.”

Parrish said the sermon was cancelled for the day as everyone started mingling and hugging each other.

“We all stood around and talked for hours. It was truly surreal. There was a great moment where I walked up to my assistant pastor and we were just like “whaaat DUDE?!? We kind of kissed and both admitted we always had small crushes on each other.”

Parrish and his followers are at a crossroad however. They’ve been comparing gays to adulterers and other terrible things for years.

“Yeah, that’s gonna suck trying to walk that back.” says Parrish, “Here’s the thing. I’ve woken up everyday for the last 25 years and told myself that everyone else wakes up in the morning and turns off their gay thoughts. I guess that sounds pretty silly as I say that out loud.”

Parrish isn’t the only one struggling with his newfound truth. I spoke with other members of the church up at Four Pegs.

“I just really hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive us.” says Emma Jackson.

The gentleman to the left of Jackson is shaking his head on his 6th pint of Goose Island.

“We’re all frauds man.” says Jackson’s friend Mike Smith. “Not only were we all closeted homosexuals up at Sojourn, but we’ve tried convincing everyone that we’re progressive because our pastor has a mohawk, tattoos and a dick piercing.”

The group stayed for a few more hours telling stories of how they kind of knew so and so was gay, and also the horrors of their own of being discovered. Some tears were shed, but in the end they all paid their tabs and said they were going to a place that would accept them. “Maybe Highland Baptist Church.” Smith said as he lit a clove cigarette and walked away into the night.

Frank Thompson

Germantown Times

July 2014