“If you didn’t clap that means you want him to die” insist adults mistaking Boris for Tinkerbell

If you didn’t applaud Boris Johnson last night then you’re basically a murderer, according to a worrying number of grown-ups today.

After a campaign to “clap for Boris Johnson” at 8pm on Tuesday night went “kind of OK” in some really, really posh neighbourhoods and few others, backers of the campaign took to social media to give everybody else a damn good telling off.

“If you don’t clap, he’ll die,” said Simon Williams, without so much as a hint of irony or satire.

“He’s a very sick man and you need to clap for him to make him better, no matter what you think of him. That’s how healing works.”

Sane person, Hayley Rice, said “Er, no.

“Let me make myself absolutely clear, I do not want Boris Johnson to die, I would much prefer him to get better, but whether or not I go outside to clap at an arbitrary hour has zero effect on that, because he’s not a fairy in a children’s story.

“He was two weeks late in putting us all into lockdown, which caused hundreds of additional deaths. If I’m two weeks late doing ANYTHING at work, I don’t get a round of applause for it – particularly if it kills someone.

“Then he went and shook hands with a bunch of people treating coronavirus patients in a typical show of bravado over common sense.

“That plus his past racism and attitude towards poor people in general means I just don’t want to stand up and applaud him. Sorry. I might go out and shout ‘You silly boy’ for a full minute.

“Again, just to be clear, THAT IS NOT THE SAME AS WANTING SOMEONE TO DIE.”

Simon Williams countered, “You want him to die? You should be ashamed of yourself.”