Photo courtesy of Brian Jackson/Flickr

Donald Trump dissed us in the New York Times yesterday when he mentioned Oakland alongside Iraq, Ferguson and Brooklyn as being one of the most dangerous places in the world. I totally agree. Oakland is very dangerous if …

You are Donald Trump.

You are susceptible to stache rash.

You think Steph Curry is a fucking terrible basketball player.

You drink only macrobrews.

You despise day drinking and beer gardens.

You forget to bring your reusable bags to the store.

You have a gluten dependency.

You have a phobia of impromptu dance parties.

You want your trash cans to look like shit instead of pieces of art.

Redwood trees make you sneeze.

You hate popsicles, Rocky Road ice cream, the mai tai, the wave, fantasy football and fortune cookies.

Sunshine hurts your eyes.

Hip-hop and hip-hop orchestras hurt your ears.

You are not a fan of coffee, bicycles or coffee delivered by bicycles.

You don’t want your food cooked by a Chez Panisse alum, a Top Chef winner, a James Beard winner, or in a restaurant with more than one Michelin Star.

You fell into a time machine and went back to 1983.

You don’t want your city to be named by the New York Times as one of the best places to visit in the whole world.

You would rather Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t blog about one of your alleys.

You think hidden stairways are for Hogwarts.

You hate families, puppies and families with puppies.

You don’t have an “Oakland booty” like Blake Lively.

Please send me additional ideas for this list in the Comments section.