More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers. Here are some of cable companies’ proposed solutions:

Cable boxes to emit loud, pained moan whenever users attempt to unplug

Customer service reps will call and personally thank consumers every time they watch a show at its scheduled time

Launching nationwide ad campaign dedicated to spoiling what happens in House Of Cards

Continuing to include landline service in package deals for some reason

For added convenience, four-hour installation windows will be reduced to 16 separate 15-minute windows

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Reminding customers there’s probably a James Bond marathon on Spike right now

Highlighting the exciting added level of suspense that comes with viewing shows whose plots are constantly interrupted by two- to four-minute commercial breaks

Reducing average price of service to more reasonable $330.39 per month

Massive rebranding effort to portray cable industry as plucky, $300 billion underdog