BUENOS AIRES—Explaining that the event was “always a complete waste of time,” German chancellor Angela Merkel admitted to reporters Friday that she was only attending this stupid work conference for the free trip to Argentina. “I was totally planning to blow off this whole dumb business trip until I found out they were going to put me up in some super swanky Buenos Aires hotel,” said Merkel, who added that she was “sick and tired of having to put up with all the same annoying assholes every year.” “The whole thing is fucking lame, so hopefully I can duck out in the early afternoon and go check out the beach or some of their museums. If I end up trapped at this goddamn conference the whole time and don’t even get to try some authentic asado while I’m here, I’ll be so pissed. At the very least, I’m going to see if I can just get my dumb coworker [German minister of finance] Olaf [Scholz] to cover for me so I can hang out at the hotel bar.” At press time, Merkel was trying to avoid being spotted by Chinese president Xi Jinping after discovering that they had both skipped the afternoon meetings to take the same walking tour of the Buenos Aires Botanical Garden.

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