In her first interview since Anthony Bourdain‘s suicide and sexual assault accusations against her came out, Asia Argento says people have accused her of driving the “Parts Unknown” host to suicide because of her cheating.

“People say I murdered him. They say I killed him. I understand that the world needs to find a reason. I would like to find a reason too,” she says in a new interview with “DailyMailTV.” “People need to think that he killed himself for something like this. He cheated on me too. It wasn’t a problem for us.”

She continued, “He was a man who traveled 265 days a year. When we saw each other, we took really great pleasure in each other’s presence, but we are not children. We are grown-ups.”

Bourdain passed away at age 61 on June 8 from suicide. He was found unresponsive in a hotel room in France by his friend Eric Ripert.

“What I do feel terrible about is that he had so much pain inside of him and I didn’t see it. I did not see it and for that I will feel guilty for the rest of my life,” she said.

Argento, 43, found out about Bourdain’s suicide when his manager called her to break the news.

“I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t cry and then I started screaming. I felt like I was in the abyss,” she said, breaking down in tears, adding that she was angry with him for abandoning her and her children from past relationships.

Argento and Bourdain met in 2016 when she appeared on “Parts Unknown.”