The latest must-have fashion-forward item is a pair of chinos with a penis-shaped pocket on the front

Are those crotch pocket trousers or are you just pleased to see me?

Name: Crotch pocket trousers.

Age: Brand new.

Appearance: Misguided.

I normally ask why the Pass Notes subject is in the news, but in this case … Is it because they are crotch pocket trousers? It is because they are crotch pocket trousers.

Which seems to me to suggest that they are trousers with some sort of … crotch pocket? They are. Chinos, to be precise.

But – crucially – with a crotch pocket? Yes.

Would I be correct in assuming that this crotch pocket is to be found on chinos for men? Yes.

So it is … Shaped like a penis, yes. It’s a contrast pocket, roughly the shape and length of a penis, that lies over your crotch area.

Did you say a contrast pocket? I did, yes.

As in, made of a material of markedly different hue from the surrounding environment? You have the right of it.

To draw attention to that area? One presumes.

Why? Why do people do anything? To attract a mate? Remind themselves where their penis is? Assure bystanders that someone in their immediate vicinity is indubitably fashion-forward?

This looks too ridiculous for words. It sounds like someone’s jealous they can’t pull it off.

Does it even work as a pocket? Not really. Technically, you could put something inside it – a penis would be the most obviously suitable item, but you could manage a pencil or two, or a pet slow worm – but the ensuing jokes make it hardly worthwhile. Plus, it only stays closed when the trousers are zipped and buttoned. Tricky all round.

I don’t know what to say. That’s OK. Sometimes there is nothing to say.

I mean, I lived through puffball skirts and everything, but this … I know. It even puts those “invisible jeans” jeans in the shade, and those were just a few strings of denim hanging around your arse.

Not to mention Sock Crocs. And bumbag sliders. And those Loewe trainers that have turned-up toes, as if for a marathon-running medieval jester.

Who is making the crotch pocket trousers? Gu, a brand owned by the same people who own Uniqlo.

But Uniqlo is so sensible! So useful! It has obviously got to them.

I’m going to go and lie down now. I think you should.

Do say: “Just an ordinary pair of chinos, please.”

Don’t say: “Does that come in extra-long?”