ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow ping-pong balls whole—we don’t give a shit,” said Professor Marie Barrow of Cornell University’s Division of Nutritional Science, who shrugged as she suggested Americans maintain balanced portions sizes of insects, batteries, house cats, small kitchen appliances, or anything else they want to try cramming indiscriminately down their throats. “We’ve spent our careers providing you with carefully researched advice, but obviously no one is listening. So go outside and eat handfuls of grass and dirt, if you’d like. Or just keep your mouth open and see what lands in it. When you’re eating that much, you’re bound to run into some vitamins by chance, eventually.” The nutritionists then reiterated that Americans should try to limit themselves to three meals day, unless of course they’re rather have four, or five, or 15, because obviously no one fucking cares anymore.

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