The following is satirical.

The nation and indeed the world continue to be shaken by the Chinese flu. As emergency measures go into effect, Americans have been forced to abandon their delightfully degrading pleasures and sink instead into the drab moral wasteland of family life and self-reflection.

Cracks are beginning to appear in the social fabric as women are drawn away from important jobs creating compliance systems on computers and plunged into the drudgery of co-creating the minds and souls of their children in order to bring love and decency into a new generation.

Men in home quarantine can’t find even ten minutes of privacy in which to look at questionable websites and instead must satisfy their natural cravings on the bodies of wives who keep annoying them with their reality and humanity.

And children have been barred from school where they were learning such important lessons as how to change their gender while putting a condom on a banana and are now stuck in their homes where they are in danger of being contaminated with the religious values of their parents.

Not to mention the smallest victims of the epidemic: the infants who were happily enjoying their solitude in day care centers and must now tolerate the care and love of mothers who just won’t leave them alone.

In the political sphere, we are witnessing the complete incompetence of the Trump Administration which has instituted such ridiculous measures as closing borders so the disease doesn’t spread and bringing financial relief to low income workers who have lost some wages, when they could be following the program of Joe Biden, who says we should put the Victrola on one of those new wireless phone gizmos and walk ten miles through the snow like they used to do in the old days back in Nantucket or maybe it was Pittsburgh, but you know the thing.

Meanwhile, on CNN, journalists have been struck with seizures that leave them screaming incomprehensible nonsense while foaming at the mouth. So it’s pretty much the usual programming.

Related: Wuhan, China — Ground Zero For Coronavirus — Gets Back To Work In Preview Of What’s To Come In U.S.