The Comment Section for Every Article Ever Written About Intimate Grooming

This is the only piece The Toast will ever run on pubes, so let it all out now. – Ed.

1. It makes me feel cleaner.

2. Are you saying I’m dirtier than you are, because my vagina has naturally occurring hair? Hair that wicks bacteria and odors out of my vagina?

3. If you have hair in your vagina, you should see a doctor. The word is “vulva.”

4. Stop trying to make “vulva” happen. “Vulva” is never going to happen.

5. As a man, I can tell you: it’s a hygiene issue. I just prefer to be with women who take care of themselves.

6. When is this going to end? In three years, are we going to have to wax off our eyebrows or be told we’re dirty hippies now? “First they came for my pits, but I said nothing.”

7. Way to devalue the Holocaust with your bullshit rich white feminist non-issue. You want to know about real suffering? Each one of my fingers and toes was pulled out by the roots and used to create a crown for an evil prince, which he wears while executing women who have spoken in public.

8. Why does no one talk about the Holocaust which Israel perpetuates on the Palestinians every day?

9. SHUT UP, #8.

10. I wax because I like the way it feels, not because of men.

11. You prefer the way it feels to have hot wax spread on your body’s most sensitive area, then yanked off in hairy strips?

12. You get used to it.

13. I’ve never gotten used to it. Nor have I ever gotten used to making a less-affluent woman touch my taint for fifty bucks.

14. Fifty bucks? I pay eighty plus tip! PM me the address!

15. You should just get lasered.

16. Yeah, and then apply a poultice of caviar.

17. Get a Groupon!

18. Groupons are destroying small businesses.

19. I’m a man, and society tells me to shave my face every day.

20. You can SEE YOUR FACE. You don’t have to brace one foot on a slippery tub and gingerly scrape your outer labia and then spend a week trying to dig out your ingrowns with a Tweezerman.

21. No, but really, I do it for myself, not for men, and feminism is about choice, and this is my choice.

22. Feminism is not about choice, it is about achieving radical gender equality. Maybe you should get back together with Trey.

23. Oh, excuse me, I didn’t know there was a High Council Meeting about what I was allowed to do with my pubic hair. When do we get to take off our wigs and pointy shoes and learn how to poison children?

24. Do you think Gloria Steinem waxes?

25. I don’t know! I could go either way. She’s so stylish and inspirational. Those incredible glasses and shift dresses.

26. Can we agree that the actual litmus test of feminism is whether or not you would ask Gloria Steinem if she has pubes?

27. I’m old as dirt, and I can tell you: time will resolve this whole issue for you, sooner than you think. I have about four hairs left down there, and I’ve given them names.

28. Look, it’s nothing personal, I just hate getting hair in my teeth, so if a lady isn’t waxed, I hand her my dull Gillette, point to the bathroom, and tell her I’ll be ready to rock her world when she’s sorted that whole thing out.

29. I am a lesbian, and I eat more pussy than you could ever imagine in a thousand years of fapping to fake lesbian porn, and if you’re getting hair in your mouth you’re doing it wrong. Are you, like, dabbing at the mons with your tongue, or something?

30. I am also a lesbian, and I give amazing head, and I could probably collect all the hairs I’ve ever gotten in my teeth from it and thread them on a loom to make a decorative wall hanging of Emmylou Harris. Wax that shit.

31. I’m Paleo, so I believe that accidentally eating pubic hair is natural, and certainly better than ingesting grains and legumes. But you still absolutely need to shave your legs, because women with hairy legs are disgusting.

32. You know, you can get hair in your teeth from going down on dudes, too.

33. Not really.

34. Yeah, that’s not the same. Because dicks go UP, right, out of the hair.

35. Honestly, I just hate it when I have my period and it gets all matted.

36. THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN TO ME BECAUSE I USE A DIVACUP WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE CAN I TELL YOU MORE ABOUT MY DIVACUP ANYTHING BAD YOU’VE HEARD IS A LIE FROM TAMPON COMPANIES

37. It’s amazing how literally every woman used to have pubes, and no one shrank away in fear.

38. Well, Ruskin.

39. Oh, right. Ruskin. Or is that apocryphal?

40. It’s because now women expect oral sex, so they’ve had to improve their grooming standards.

41. Excuse me? Why does every generation assume they invented eating pussy? When my husband returned from the Crimean War, the first thing he did was flip my dress up and go to town on me, and I looked like an upside-down Troll doll.

42. Men who want women to be hairless are pedophiles. You can tell I can menstruate and hold political office and see R-rated movies because I have a soft, fluffy bush.

43. Only a pedophile would say that a grown-ass woman with a naked snatch looks like a baby.

44. ladies i think u and your hairy pussies are beautiful send me pics i am real man who appreciates real lady

45. This thread has been closed for review by a moderator.

Previous installments in this series include The Comment Section for Every Article Written About PETA and The Comment Section for Every Article Ever Written About Artificial Sweeteners and The Comment Section for Every Article Ever Written About Food Allergies.