There are days, David Clarkson said, where he plays with his three young kids or skates with a local high school team, and his back gives him a glimmer of hope that an NHL comeback is possible.

But then there are days — like the one just three weeks ago — when the 32-year-old feels so far away from pulling a Blue Jackets jersey over his head.

“I literally couldn’t get out of bed,” Clarkson said. “I couldn’t move. My wife had to call the docs and I laid there and waited for the muscle relaxers to kick in before I could start the day.”

Clarkson hasn’t been heard from or seen in the Blue Jackets dressing room since late last season. He showed up quietly a week before training camp in September, asked to take a physical he knew he’d fail, and then got out of the way when the Blue Jackets’ healthy players arrived.

In a nearly one-hour sit-down with The Dispatch, Clarkson’s eyes welled more than a few times on both ends of the emotional spectrum. The support of Blue Jackets management and his teammates, his wife and his children and the family’s love of Columbus — they plan to stay in Upper Arlington — are the best parts of his life, he said.

But he hasn’t played a game in nearly a year (March 11), hasn’t been able to train his lower body because of his chronically injured back, and is now confronting the possibility that his career — after 570 games with New Jersey, Toronto and Columbus — is finished.

“I left home (the Toronto suburb of Mimico, Ontario) at 15 to play juniors, and hockey’s all I’ve ever known,” Clarkson said. “It’s hard to go through, but I’ll look at a picture of my kids, or think about them, and it brings me back to earth. I have a lot to be happy about, but this sucks. There’s not a day that goes by — not an hour, honestly — when I don’t think about (playing hockey) and miss it.”

The torment begins

Clarkson came to the Blue Jackets in a 2015 trade deadline deal that sent Nathan Horton to the Toronto Maple Leafs. Now both players are likely finished with their careers because of the same ailment: degeneration of the lower spine. Clarkson played through a stiff back for years, both with the Devils and Leafs.

“It would get stiff, but I knew ways to loosen it up so I could play,” he said.

But Clarkson hurt it again while working out in advance of the 2015-16 season. He missed all of training camp and the exhibition games, returning in the second week of the season.

“I knew something was wrong because it had taken longer to get better than in the past,” Clarkson said. “I’d play three games and I couldn’t play the fourth.”

He was out from Nov. 3 to Dec. 10 that season, then again from Jan. 2 to Feb. 29, then finished after a March 11 game vs. Pittsburgh. Every few weeks now, Clarkson meets with doctors, even flying to New York to see specialists. He has three degenerative discs in the L5 region of his spine. There is no sure-fire surgical fix, doctors say. He could have his spine fused, but that would effectively end his playing career by limiting his ability to make quick turns. Also, the surgery does not always provide relief.

Clarkson’s next appointment is next week. He had an epidural injection in January, and it provided temporary relief. But it never lasts long.

“When I reach down to pick up one of my kids, if I reach the wrong way it feels like somebody stuck a knife back there,” Clarkson said. “I’ve had broken bones, and I’ve done things playing hockey, but this is a different feeling. I’ll feel pretty good for a week, start to think that maybe soon I can start working out again. And then something happens and I’m phoning (Blue Jackets athletic trainer) Mike Vogt.”

Still, he’s keeping a kernel of optimism.

“When I know an appointment is coming up, I get those butterfly feelings that maybe they’re going to tell me something good,” Clarkson said. “That would be my dream come true, because I have a lot of nights where I have trouble going to sleep. My mind is just spinning.”

Present, but not there

The Blue Jackets play Clarkson’s former club, Toronto, tonight at Nationwide Arena. If he were healthy, it would be a momentous occasion, with a pool of reporters surrounding his locker. But Clarkson hasn’t set foot inside the Blue Jackets dressing room for many weeks now.

“It’s not an easy place to be, to be honest,” he said.

The Blue Jackets have tried to remind him that he’s still part of the organization. Assistant general manager Bill Zito has taken him to Cleveland to watch the minor-league Monsters play, and the organization has noted that Clarkson’s keen eye could lead to him having a hockey operations role someday. Clarkson and his wife, Brittany, were invited to the club’s formal fundraiser, the CannonBall, earlier this month.

“You sympathize with what the guy is going through,” Blue Jackets general manager Jarmo Kekalainen said. “You try to keep him involved, let him know he’s part of the organization.”

The players have stayed in touch, including one emotional scene in the fall.

“My wife called me while I was out and said, ‘Honey, the guys are here. They want to know how you’re doing.’ ” Clarkson said. “So I hurried home and four of them were sitting in the living room. That was … awesome.”

But shortly thereafter Clarkson told the players that he didn’t want to be a burden.

“We’ve given him some space,” Blue Jackets captain Nick Foligno said. “Obviously, we’re all pulling for him to get healthy, whether that means he plays hockey again or not. But it’s important to him that he not feel like a burden. So we’ve respected that. He knows he’s in our thoughts and we still consider him our teammate.”

A new routine

Don’t expect Clarkson to retire, even if he knows he can’t play again. NHL contracts are guaranteed, and his runs through the 2019-20 season.

By now Clarkson’s insurance is picking up the tab for most of his salary. If his situation remains unchanged, the Jackets will be on the hook for only 20 percent of his remaining salary each season: $1.4 million in 2017-18, $950,000 in 2018-19 and $650,000 in 2019-20. His $5.25 million salary cap hit will still count, but only until he’s placed on the long-term injury list once the season starts.

Clarkson has plenty to keep him busy, he said. He and Brittany have two daughters, 5-year-old McKinnley and 5-month-old Teigen, and a 3-year-old son, Colton. He has a charity in Kitchener, Ontario — Clarky’s Kids — that has raised more than $1 million for sick children since it was started 10 years ago.

He’s a volunteer assistant coach with the Upper Arlington High School hockey team, taking the ice twice a week.

“Those kids have helped me a lot more than they know,” Clarkson said. “It makes me feel like I’m able to do something, able to give something back.”

Whether he plays again or not, the Clarksons plan to call Columbus home, he said. That’s partly because of the city, but also the Blue Jackets organization.

“There’s not a better organization in the world to be a part of,” Clarkson said. “From Mr. (John) Davidson and all of them, they’ve been so kind to me and my family. If they phoned me and asked me for anything, they’ve got it.”

But the one thing he’d love to give the Blue Jackets — a power forward on the third or fourth line — may never surface again. He’s played only 26 games for the organization since the trade nearly two years ago.

“I know the reality of the situation,” Clarkson said. “But I think it’s my job to try to be a player for as long as I possibly can. I still have that dream inside me. I don’t want it to end on these terms. This is not how any player wants it to end.”

aportzline@dispatch.com

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