DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I think we owe it to ourselves to maintain some kind of toxic relationship,” said Ware, who assured his ex-girlfriend that he wanted her to have an unhealthy presence in his life. “I still care about you and, even if we’re not dating anymore, I want us to keep bringing out the worst in each other. You probably need some space right now, but once you’re ready, maybe we can meet up to fight occasionally.” At press time, Ware responded to his ex-girlfriend blocking him on social media by leaving an honest, solemn message on her voicemail saying that their breakup wasn’t working.

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