How to Not be a Shitty Dog Owner

If you can avoid doing these nine things, then you won’t be a shitty, annoying dog owner.

So here they are.

1. Don’t expect me to kiss your dog, please.

I love your dog, but please keep his mouth away from my mouth.

My own dog Ace licks his ass hole every day. He literally gags himself with his penis. Other interests of his include eating cat “sand biscuits” and putting his nose right up to the spots where other dogs have peed. He also pukes a few times per week and proceeds to eat that puke.

I’m guessing you would prefer my dog keeps his tongue out of your mouth?

2. Ditch the Flexi leash.

Is there really much more to say?

This is a screen grab from a YouTube video where some idiot was blocking the road with her dog’s leash, causing a guy on skates to crash.

3. Don’t say: “Don’t worry, he’s friendly!”

Yeah? Well, f— off!

What if my dog isn’t friendly? What if I just adopted him, and he has some fear issues we’re working on?

What if I have to kick your dog in the face to prevent my dog from defending himself against what he can only assume is a threat?

4. Keep your dog away from my dog.

“Brutus wants to say hi!”

OK, but why would we want to say hi to Brutus? Can you not see that I’m trying to control my own two dogs while picking up after them? Where is this law that every person walking a dog has the right to barge up to the other people walking dogs?

5. Learn some dog-handling skills.

Why is it OK to let your tiny dog lunge and growl at my dog? If my dog did that, your dog would probably piss itself.

Tip: Don’t let your child walk Sparky until you teach the child and the dog some rules.

6. Don’t just stand there screaming “LEAVE IT!” louder and louder.

You have to actually take the time to teach Lola what the command means.

7. Don’t show me pictures of your dog.

Oh, how nice of you to show me 50 pictures of your dog. How “cute.” But then you don’t even ask about my dog? Oh, that’s right. It’s because you don’t care. So why would I care about yours?

8. Don’t “forget” a bag.

Always bring two. Bring three or four if your dog is especially talented.

9. Use a leash for crying out loud.

When you walk from your car to the gate of the dog park, use a leash. I get that you’re embarrassed how your dog tries to rip your arm off by pulling, but stop being an enabler. When your dog charges the gate, it brings the wrong energy to the park.

Confession: I am a shitty dog owner. My dog has licked people in the face, drooled on them, puked on them, charged them, stolen their food, ignored my “leave it” commands, gone without a leash, pooped four times on a walk when I only had three bags, peed on inappropriate tall objects – and yes, his pictures are all over my phone. Want to see?