There are many reasons to root against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. There are also many reasons to root for them. Which team you root for really depends on which team you prefer. I am describing sports fandom! This is fun.

Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times has written an article about the Super Bowl teams, in which he has listed twenty (!) reasons to root against the Patriots.

Old habits die hard:

It’s a coach wearing a hoodie against one who dresses in Navy SEAL mottos. The Super Bowl pitting the New England Patriots against the Atlanta Falcons features competing auras as clear as the rumple in Bill Belichick’s sweatshirt or the curl of Tom Brady’s upper lip.

1. You made two references to Belichick’s hoodie (which, FWIW, he doesn’t really wear anymore) in the first two sentences.

2. “Competing auras?”

3. “The curl of Tom Brady’s upper lip” is not a thing that I think of as “clear,” in terms of like “famous” or “legendary” or “anything.”

4. “One who dresses in Navy SEAL mottos?” Like…sewn into his clothes, or something?

5. What?

According to Public Policy Polling, the Patriots are the most disliked team in pro football for a second consecutive season. By comparison, the relatively blah Falcons are beloved.

The “relatively blah” Falcons are “beloved.” You wrote that sentence, saw nothing wrong with it, agreed with its internal logic, and never looked back.

Even with this week’s revelations about the Falcons’ past concerns over their players’ use of pain medication,

First, you made the sentence wonderfully passive (”…their players’ use of…”) instead of what it should’ve been, which is active, because they were concerned that their team doctors were actively giving the players too much pain medication. Second: you can’t just drop that in and hope we don’t notice that it utterly undermines the premise of your article. Or can you?!?! (No, you can’t.)

this truly feels like a Super Bowl of not just David vs. Goliath, but that old favorite, Good vs. Evil, and here are 20 reasons why:

Gonna go out on a limb and say “20″ is an overreach. But let’s see what you got.

1) The Patriots are convicted scoundrels, from Spygate to Deflategate, the most untrustworthy sports franchise in America since the 1919 Black Sox. Remember, Brady was suspended for the first four games this season for his alleged involvement in the deflation of footballs. The Falcons are too trusting. They panicked during Monday’s media night when offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan briefly lost a backpack that contained the team’s game plan. Seriously, who still carries their game plan in a backpack?

I’m not going to re-litigate SpyGate or DeflateGate here. But I do take issue with the idea that the Falcons are “better” than the Patriots because their coach lost his backpack during Super Bowl week. That doesn’t seem like the opposite of a scandal. It seems utterly irrelevant.

You also conveniently ignored that recent time the Falcons pumped noise into their stadium, illegally, and were fined $350,000 and a draft pick. As well as the aforementioned (by you) revelation that they were doping their players like racehorses. But a coach lost a backpack, so they’re…nice?

2) The Patriots are led by the Trump Trinity: owner Bob Kraft, Coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Brady are all confirmed devotees of President Trump.

No argument here. Sucks. Hate it.

The Falcons use an official hashtag of #RiseUp, which coincidentally was also the hashtag for the worldwide protests to Trump’s recent controversial executive order on immigration. This is why thousands of tweets filled with scathing Trump criticisms contained a Falcons logo.

Not sure they chose “Rise Up” to fight Trump, but I’m giving you this one. This should be the entire article. Stop here. Don’t go for twenty…I beg you…

3) Upon arriving at the glitzy media night, Brady said, “For us, now, it’s just trying to ignore all this.” Upon his arrival at the same event, Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan said, “To get here and see this deal tonight, it’s pretty cool.” 4) Asked about Trump’s immigration edict, Brady said, “What’s going on in the world? I haven’t paid much attention.” Asked a similar question, the Falcons’ Mohamed Sanu said, “I hope we can pray as a country for the world to be united.”

…Kind of feels like (3) is neutral and (4) is a subset of (2), but I’m feeling generous, so I’ll let you have these as well.

5) Asked to sign a soccer ball, Belichick refused “because it’s not a football.” Asked to speak into a giant turkey leg, Falcons center Alex Mack agreed but only if he could later have a bite.

Yeah, see, you’re reaching, a bit. “Bill Belichick doesn’t like soccer balls” and “Alex Mack likes meat” doesn’t seem like “evil” vs. “good,” to me.

6) During a joint interview with the teams’ owners, the Patriots’ Kraft was asked to name the most famous person in his cellphone. The Falcons’ Arthur Blank interrupted and said, “Trump.”

Again, we’re kind of back at (2), here, man.

7) The Patriots’ success began with “The Tuck Rule.” The Falcons’ success began with “The Dirty Bird.”

A team of scientists from the Institute for the Discovery of Something has examined this statement, and determined that it is exactly nothing.

8) Brady announced that his 9-year-old son Jack has a certain cool NFL running back on his fantasy team. That running back is the Falcons’ Devonta Freeman.

The team of scientists from the Institute for the Discovery of Something just read this and committed suicide, because it is so thoroughly nothing that they realized their entire careers have been meaningless.

9) Off the field, the Patriots often wear ski caps with fuzzy balls on top that make them look like 12-year-olds. The Falcons wear dark caps with “The Hood” imprinted in red, which is short for the “Brotherhood” theme preached by Coach Dan Quinn.

You’re only at the ninth reason (out of 20) that the Patriots are evil and the Falcons are good and you are Mr. Incredible-style reaching for “preferred head wear.” Sure you don’t want to rethink the premise?

10) LeGarrette Blount, New England’s star running back, has quit his way to the Super Bowl. When he was unhappy in Pittsburgh in 2014, he walked off the field before the end of a game and was kicked off the team, only to be signed by the Patriots three days later. The Falcons’ two running backs, Freeman and Tevin Coleman, selflessly share carries and catches and even touchdown celebrations, with Quinn using video of one of their end-zone hugs for inspiration.

Blount has had his ups and downs, temperament-wise. But why do Freeman and Coleman get points here for sharing carries? They don’t call the plays. And Blount shares carries with Lewis and White. What are we even doing here? (Answer, for me: procrastinating from real work.)

11) Asked if he knew any Lady Gaga songs, Belichick responded “Next.”Asked the same question, Freeman said excitedly, “Lady Gaga? Of course, that’s Lady Gaga!”

Not caring about Lady Gaga = evil. Knowing about Lady Gaga = good.

12) Less than 24 hours before kickoff in the 2012 Super Bowl against the New York Giants, the Patriots infamously cut Tiquan Underwood, a wide receiver so devoted he had the team logo cut into his hair. The Falcons aren’t cutting people, they’re adding them, with owner Blank flying about 150 employees to the Super Bowl game with rooms and tickets at a cost of more than $1 million.

The Patriots aren’t bringing anyone. The Patriots are luring orphans to the game with fake tickets just to laugh in their faces when they are turned away. The Patriots cut a guy five years ago. The Falcons have never cut anyone. The Falcons have a roster of 4,000 players on the payroll because they care. No one from the Falcons has ever made an illegal three-point turn. The Patriots yell at dogs for no reason. The Falcons founded Doctors Without Borders.

13) The Patriots’ most famous cheerleaders are the dudes who dress up in Revolutionary War attire and shoot muskets in the end zones. They once fired off a round during a kickoff that so startled the opposing team that a complaint was filed to the league office and the guns were silenced except for after scores. The offended team was the Falcons. The Falcons’ most famous cheerleader is Samuel L. Jackson, who performs in a pregame “Rise Up” video in which he sounds like he just discovered snakes on a plane.

Yes, you correctly remembered that Samuel L. Jackson was in “Snakes on a Plane.” Well done. Then you used it as a way to suggest that the Falcons are “good” instead of “evil” (represented here by having Revolutionary War cosplayers standing in the endzone). Not well done. Badly done.

14) The Patriots are known for the giant touchdown spike of Rob Gronkowski, who will miss this Super Bowl because of a back injury. The Falcons generally allow their offensive linemen to deliver the touchdown spikes in honor of their shared effort. The linemen actually brag about who can bounce the ball highest. Ryan Schraeder, a tackle, even posted photos of one of his spikes on the walls of the team practice facility.

The implication here is that the Patriots are evil because their tight end is injured. That is reason 14 that the Patriots are evil. Gronkowski, who spikes footballs after touchdowns, is hurt. Reason 14.

15) The Patriots brag about following “The Patriot Way.”The Falcons brag that their 74-year-old owner boogies with the team after games, with Blank admitting, “I love to dance, I look like a chicken.”

I think, now that we are at #15, here, that this might have been better if you had just listed “reasons to love the Falcons” or something. The point-counterpoint thing is where you got into trouble. Thank God we’re done, though, because oh wait we’re not close to being done.

16) One of Brady’s nicknames, “Tom Terrific,” was lifted from former New York Mets pitcher Tom Seaver. Ryan’s nickname, “Matty Ice,” is the completely original idea of some of his high school buddies from Penn Charter School in Philadelphia.

I want you to go back to the beginning of this piece, that you have written, and remind yourself of your own premise. The premise is: The Patriots are Evil and the Falcons are Good. Right? Okay. Now come back and look at reason #16 that you cite as evidence of that premise. Tom Brady’s nickname was also used for Tom Seaver. Matt Ryan’s nickname was given to him from some of his friends. Does that fit your premise?

And by the way, “Matty Ice” is pretty clearly a ripoff of “Natty Ice,” a slang name for Natural Light Beer, and a catch-all term for any awful, high-alcohol, poor-tasting beverage. I’ll just go ahead and show you what the Urban Dictionary has to say about it:

So, piece of good evidence #16 that you cite, to make your claim that the Patriots are evil and the Falcons are good, is that the Falcons’ QB’s nickname is a reference to something that is cheap, dangerous, of low quality, and vomit-inducing.

17) Two of the last big postseason defeats suffered by Brady came at the arms of quarterbacks Peyton and Eli Manning. Ryan said this week that two of his closest mentors, through texting and phone calls, are Peyton and Eli Manning.

“And therefore, your honor, and members of the jury, I have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Patriots are evil and the Falcons are good. The prosecution rests.”

“Sir, it’s four in the morning and you are very drunk. Please leave this Cheesecake Factory.”

18) The Patriots’ locker room is a stark, somber testament to one of their mantras, “Do Your Job.” When the Falcons redesigned their locker room last summer, they brought in a ping-pong table. It became so popular, there are now three.

It’s been a while since I did one of these, and I forget: what’s dumber: the journalist for writing a piece like this or me for spending the time to comment on it? I honestly don’t remember. It’s me, right? I’m dumber?

19) The Patriots defeated the Rams by 16 points. The Falcons defeated the Rams by 28 points and, if this seems like a completely irrelevant comparison, it’s been 22 years since I could make fun of our football team in a Super Bowl story, so bear with me.

Literally don’t even know what this means. Completely lost. It’s definitely not a “reason” why the Pats are evil and the Falcons are good. I mean, if you are a Rams fan, wouldn’t you prefer the team that only beat them by 16? It’s almost like the “20 Reasons Why” gambit was a bad idea!

20) If the Patriots win Sunday, they made it clear they will not be comfortable accepting the Lombardi Trophy from Commissioner Roger Goodell, whom they blame for the Deflategate debacle. Tom Brady Sr., the quarterback’s father, recently reflected this sentiment when he called Goodell a liar and said, “Somebody that has Roger Goodell’s ethics doesn’t belong on any stage that Tom Brady is on.” The Falcons will gladly accept the trophy from anybody. It would, after all, be their first.

Reasons!