I live like a disabled person even though I'm physically healthy... and now want a surgeon to cut my spinal cord: Rare condition has made woman, 58, disown her legs

Chloe knew at 4 she was different and wanted to live as a disabled person



She wanted to wear leg braces like her aunt, hurt in an accident

Aged 9, she caused an accident to stop her own legs from working

Now she enjoys the excitement of downhill skiing - because she might fall

She spends most of her time in a wheelchair, but is still able to stand up



A doctor is willing to help her become disabled, but it costs £16,000

Psychiatrist: 'Is it better pretending to use a wheelchair or commit suicide?'

A Cambridge University educated research scientist is so desperate to live the life of a wheelchair-bound person she is prepared to pay a doctor help her become disabled.

Since childhood, Chloe Jennings-White has made several attempts at injuring herself so she can finally climb into her own wheelchair.

In 2010 she even found a doctor overseas willing to help her become disabled by cutting her sciatic and femoral nerves, but she could not afford the £16,000 costs.

Scroll down for video

Chloe Jennings-White adjusting her leg braces at her home on May 16, 2013, in Salt Lake City, Utah. She uses a wheelchair, even though her legs are fine, and has chosen to live as a disabled person, due to a rare condition

'I might never be able to afford it, but I know, truly and deeply, I won't regret it if I ever can,' she said, referring to the doctor who might be able to help her become disabled.

Chloe, 58, from Salt Lake City, Utah, suffers from a rare condition called Body Integrity Identity Disorder, or BIID.

Sufferers do not accept one of their own limb or limbs and seek to amputate them or become paraplegic.

Able to stand: Chloe, 58, pictured out hiking in May this year in Salt Lake City, Utah. She wears leg braces and uses a wheelchair, even though her legs are healthy

Some experts believe it is caused by a neurological fault, in which the brain's mapping system cannot see a certain body part.

The Cambridge graduate believes both of her legs do not belong to her and dreams of being paralysed from the waist down.

'Something in my brain tells me my legs are not supposed to work,' she said. 'Having any sensation in them just feels wrong.'

For years she bandaged herself secretly, but now lives openly with her condition despite facing intolerance, insults, and sometimes online threats.

Chloe first realised she was different at the age of four, after visiting her Aunt Olive, who was using leg braces after a bike accident.

'I wanted them too,' she said. 'I wondered why I wasn't born needing them and felt something was wrong with me because I didn't have them.'

At the age of nine, Chloe even took action and pedalled her bike off a four-foot high acting stage on Hampstead Heath, north London, landing on her neck.

'I only wanted to stop my legs working but could have broken my neck or died,' she added.

From then on, Chloe lived out her fantasy in secret, pretending to be disabled when alone, playing risky sports and climbing trees in the hope of hurting her legs.

Without her leg brace on in her bathroom in Salt Lake City, US. Her distorted body image causes her to sit in a wheelchair even though she can stand and ski

Now, as an adult, Chloe enjoys the excitement of downhill skiing and the possibility she might fall and suffer serious leg fractures.

'I ski extremely fast, and aim for the most dangerous runs,' she said.

WHAT IS BODY INTEGRITY IDENTITY DISORDER? BIID occurs when a person's idea of how they should look does not match their actual physical form . The condition affects just a small percentage of the population. The sufferer wants to have an amputation. In most cases, the limb that the person would like removed is healthy. Many psychologists and neurologists have tried to understand what the root cause of the condition is. The theory is that BIID occurs when the brain is not able to provide an accurate plan of the body. Some experts believe the cause to be psychological. One theory is that a person with BIID may have seen an amputee at an earlier age and this image has replaced their own thoughts about what constitutes the ideal person. To become a better person they feel that a certain limb will have to be amputated. In severe cases, a person with BIID may harm the limb they wish to be removed or force doctors into removing it. Others manage to cope with the illness by using canes and prosthetic attachments to help them feel complete.

'Doing any activity that brings a chance of me becoming paraplegic gives me a sense of relief from the anxiety caused by the BIID.

'My friends and family can get a little worried about me skiing, as they know I ski very aggressively and they know that in the back of my mind I actually want to get paralysed.'

Chloe had a real skiing accident seven years ago, which left her with a minor back injury and a reason to get leg braces.

She researched the braces online and came across BIID for the first time. She discovered there were others like her.

'It was a huge relief,' she said. 'I wasn't a freak - there were hundreds of others like me.'

She took part in a BIID research study with psychiatrist Michael First, from New York, who diagnosed her in Spring 2008 and recommending she use a wheelchair.

At first, she used the chair in private, but eventually gained the courage to reveal her secret to friends and work colleagues.

'The chair gives me psychological relief, instead of physical,' she said. 'I know it can be difficult for people without BIID to understand, but it's what we feel.'

In 2009 she was involved in a serious 75mph car crash and suffered pre-concussion amnesia and cannot remember the 15 minutes before the impact.

It was not a deliberate act, according to police reports, but she worries she might have subconsciously wanted it to happen.

Now, Chloe spends most of her time in a wheelchair, but has to get out for various household tasks and walk down the steps to her car.

With her doctor, Dr Mark Malan. He is helping her with her condition Body Integrity Identity Disorder, or BIID. Chloe is a research scientist and graduate from Cambridge University

'I can't afford to convert my home for disabled access so I just use the chair as much as I can,' she said.

She fantasises about having a car crash without hurting anyone else just so she can damage her own legs.

'Any time when I'm driving I sort of conjure up accident scenarios in my mind where I will become paraplegic,' she admitted.

Psychiatrist Dr Mark Malan, who treats Chloe, said: 'The question I often ask is, is it better to have somebody pretending to use a wheelchair, or to commit suicide?

Chloe Jennings-White pictured hiking with her friend David Allen earlier this year in Salt Lake City, Utah, where she now lives. She is rarely seen out of her wheelchair

Chloe sitting with her friend Clover and her baby boy Randi (pictured right) back in May at her home in Salt Lake City, Utah. Friends and family worry about her as they know she wants to self harm

Cambridge graduate Chloe outside her workplace, the University of Utah, US. She sometimes has to get out of her chair to walk up stairs or get into a car

'One possibility could be to do some sort of nerve blocking so that that limb could not actually be used for a period of time, to let the patient test the reality of being physically disabled temporarily.

'It would give BIID sufferers a chance to change their minds if they wanted to.'