TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less. “With the goal of maintaining a fully supportive crowd and a distinct home-ice advantage for the Lightning, we have decided to prevent the attendance of any individual medically classified as obese,” arena general manager Darryl Benge told reporters, noting that his staff has been explicitly instructed to bar the entrance of men and women wearing hockey jerseys that are size XXXL or larger. “We’re just doing everything we can to create a positive playoff atmosphere that gives our team the best chance to win, which means taking steps to ensure that our players aren’t bombarded with husky, constrained boos in between belabored breaths and gulps of Pepsi.” Benge added that any spectators who visit the concession stands and attempt to purchase more than four orders of nachos will be immediately removed by stadium security.

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