"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel



"A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" —Jay Leno



"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon



"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." —Jimmy Fallon



"BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too ... and make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson



"This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled." —Jay Leno



"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20." —Jay Leno



"Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They're going out of business." —Jimmy Fallon



"Yesterday during a press conference, BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the 'small people.' Part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one." —Jimmy Fallon



"The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." –David Letterman



"Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson



"Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, 'If you build it and there's a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon



"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno