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“We nearly got you this time, we really did,” CIA Director Gina Haspel remarked at this week’s failed coup d’état attempt in Venezuela funded and instigated by the American intelligence agency for the second time in 20 years, with first coming in 2001 which failed to topple Hugo Chavez.

Director Haspel’s jest comes after Nicolás Maduro claimed his troops thwarted a botched attempt to topple him – the second Venezuelan leader targeted by the CIA in recent history.

“Who’d have thought that after all the groundwork and millions of US tax dollars we spent trying to influence the people of Venezuela that our latest coup attempt would fail?” Haspel went on, scoffing at the thought, “it’s like these people are immune to our propaganda and are not falling for our puppet Guaidó; we even profiled him on Obama for Christ’s sakes, this should have worked.

“Gone are the good old days of toppling leaders who refuse to work with our petroleum companies and trade in our currency. God, when I think about all those marvelous coups we staged in Iran, Guatemala, Congo, Dominican Republic, South Vietnam, Brazil, Chile, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan, I get this overwhelming nostalgia for the good old days when the CIA could just simply coup our way into a third world country’s natural resources”.

Replying to a defiant TV address in which President Maduro said Mr Guaidó had failed to turn the military against him, the CIA director finished her statement with a warning to the world’s biggest oil producer: “You may have won against our first two coup attempts, but we have a phrase in the US, ‘third time lucky'”.