“Also today, it was announced that, due to coronavirus, the music festival Coachella has now been postponed until October. In fact, headliner Rage Against the Machine has already changed their name to Rage to Get the Vaccine. And that’s not the only musical act that plans to be in Coachella in October. You can also count on Miley Virus, Justin Fever, the Flu Fighters, Pandemic! at the Disco — we got like a hundred of these. The only band yet to confirm is the Cure.” — JAMES CORDEN

“Today, ‘Wheel of Fortune’ filmed without an audience as a protective measure against the coronavirus. Things are so bad over there, Vanna is now turning all the letters with her elbow.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Meanwhile, because of the virus, the mayor of Boston announced their annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade has been canceled. Yeah, the mayor asked if instead of drinking, puking and blacking out in the streets, people could make the mature choice and do it at home.” — JIMMY FALLON



“Harvard just announced they’re sending all their students home until further notice, and they’ll take classes online. Now if you meet someone who says they went to Harvard, you can be like, ‘Oh, that online college?’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Meanwhile, students at U.S.C. are also being told to stay home, because their rich, famous parents are still under investigation for bribery.” — JAMES CORDEN