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ARE you currently experiencing a crisis pregnancy in Ireland? With the recently introduced legislation which governs the legislation of termination services available or not available in or near your area, subject to article 45 paragraph 9, hitherto referred to as the article, but not affiliated with ongoing applications for a reversal of said legislation, binding as and of the 1st January 2019 and subject to legal proceedings up to and including severe fines and a custodial sentence, you may find yourself confused as to what you can do next.

Here’s a few completely non-judgemental and impartial pointers brought to you by definitely real experts who aren’t psychopaths posing as certified medical professionals.

And why are they providing this totally factual information? Why make sure you don’t make a life-ruining decision that robs innocent babies in the womb of the chance at God’s greatest gift to us all – the gift of life, silly.

1) Consider your options

A crisis pregnancy can be terrifying; that’s why so many young women find themselves too afraid to seek help, and can be easily tricked into believing that the termination of her pregnancy is her only viable option. Before you go down the very trendy and right-on path of killing your child, it’s important to read opinion pieces such as this one, and trust them implicitly despite their dubious origins. Look, we even have a website with an official sounding name. We’re not trying to trick or bamboozle anyone. We’re just here to help you through your options; keep your baby, or murder it. The choice is yours.

2) Seek a second opinion

If you think you need another opinion, then by all means seek one out. We have many sites for you to visit, including pregnancyisgodsgift dot org, and murderissin dot vat. Not sure about those? That’s fine. We’ve also set up HSE dot id. Don’t worry that it’s dot id and not dot ie, it’s the real HSE, honestly. It just happens to be registered in Indonesia, but it’s totally legit. You can trust everything you read about it, sure isn’t it written by Simon Harris himself? You guys love him, don’t you?

3) Hold out for a third trimester abortion

The worst thing you can do in a crisis is panic, so be sure to give yourself plenty of time to consider your next move. Loads of time. Like, 6 months or so. Don’t worry, you’ll definitely still be able to get as many abortions as you want by then, there’s no laws against late-term terminations. You work away, and don’t mind the cancer, there’s great palliative care services available for people dying of ovarian cancer. What, you didn’t know that abortion causes instantly fatal ovarian cancer? Guess that’s just another thing the pro-murder lobby hid from you, isn’t it? Maybe it’s best to just take all your advice from us from now on. We’ve got your best interests at heart, for the next 8 months or so anyway.

Whatever you do, don’t go on one of those sites from official HSE sites like this one HERE