Beloved, let us rejoice, for this is a time of celebration. In the true spirit of this season, let our hearts be gladdened, and let us pray and pay tribute to the deity in whose honor this holiday comes…

…Eastre, the Germanic goddess of spring.

No, no, wait, that’s not right. Let’s try again.

Please forgive our previous silly mistake. As we all well know, beloved, this holiday comes not because of any primitive druidic goddess, but rather in honor of a heroic figure, a true god among men, who was born of a mortal woman and a divine Father. As should be obvious by now, the name of this very special child was…

…Hercules.

No – hold on. That can’t be right either.

Of course, of course. The hero of our story, the one whom we have gathered here to thank, was no figure of pagan Greek polytheism. He was a redeemer, one who came to earth to lift up sinful and ignorant humans, knowing full well he would pay the ultimate price for his actions, but willing to go ahead anyway out of love and compassion. As you all know, this blessed Savior was called…

…Prometheus.

No, no, give us just a minute. We’ll get it right.

We all know full well who is being described here, of course. He is the one, the One, who defeated death itself and rose from the grave, in a miracle that no other would-be savior has ever been able to duplicate. By dramatically displaying his power over death, he proved once and for all that he was the single true god. And his name was…

…Osiris.

No, wait. That’s not right either. Of course! What a ridiculous error to make. Our apologies.

Beloved, only one god fits this description. You know him well — millions of you around the world today worship him. He was conceived miraculously and visited while still an infant by wise men who were guided to him by a star. He lived in a small province whose evil ruler sought to have him killed before he could rise to power, but his parents were warned by a heavenly messenger who instructed them to take their child to a neighboring district, where he would be safe from the slaughter. This miracle child would come to grow up and perform many great deeds, and the timeless and moving story of his life was recounted throughout history and still rings true today. I refer of course to…

…Krishna.

Is that right? That can’t be right, can it?

No! Beloved, the god to whom I refer stands alone, unique, head and shoulders above the myths and fables of the false religions. No other savior ever claimed to duplicate his deeds. No other prophet was anything at all like him. He was the mediator between God and man, he helps departed souls ascend to heaven, and he will judge the human race at the end of the world. He shed the blood of an innocent to wash away the sins of the world and established a sacred meal ritual where flesh and blood were symbolically consumed by initiates. Only one person fits that description. You know this person well – his birthday falls near the end of the year, on December 25. As should be more than obvious by now, this person can only be the one who was called…

…Mithras.

That doesn’t seem right either…

Of course. That, too, is incorrect. My most sincere apologies. Beloved, do not let these slight slips of the tongue distract you from the power of the message I bring. Our religion is the one true religion. The claims of all others crumble under scrutiny, but ours and ours alone is validated, again and again, by historical fact. It was the first of its kind to make such claims as these; all others are merely impostors which sought to capitalize on its fame. Our savior cannot be mistaken for any other. He performed countless miracles on earth, miracles well attested to by bystanders. He healed the sick and the crippled, restored sight to the blind, cast out demons, yea, even raised the dead! His birth was of a virgin, foretold by an angel. While still a child, he exhibited extraordinary knowledge of religious scripture. He reformed the corrupt and worldly religions of his day. After his death, he rose from the grave and appeared to his disciples to prove to them his miraculous power, after which he ascended to Heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father. He was known as “the Son of God!” No other religion can make such claims! No other savior proved his divinity again and again to so many! No one can doubt his power or the truth of the message he brought. His memory will live forever. How can he be mistaken for anyone else? Of course, by now there is not a shred of doubt in any of your minds. You know as well as I do to whom I am referring. We must worship him, pay tribute to his memory, and focus on spreading his message of love and compassion; that, after everything, is the true meaning of Easter. Come, beloved, let us pray and honor the divine prophet whom I have just described. Let us glory in the everlasting love of…

…Apollonius of Tyana.

Wait – wait – wait – eh, you know what? Screw this.