







WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, NASA teamed with Elon Musk’s SpaceX company and launched their TESS satellite into orbit on a Falcon 9 rocket.

TESS — short for Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite — is tasked with peering into and around stars that neighbor Earth’s sun in an attempt to discover new planets. Future missions could chart and explore the plants TESS locates.

“It’s going to more than double the number that have been seen and detected by Kepler,” George Ricker of MIT, who is heading up the team of TESS investigators.

This morning, an excited President Donald Trump seized on TESS’s launch as a means to bring the conversation back around to one of his most favorite subjects, himself.

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“Sure, new planets are great and all,” Trump told various members of the alt-right press, “but I like this planet, the one we live on now, the most because I know for a fact it revolves around me. I don’t know if these new ones will.”

Trump told those in earshot that fifteen years ago he paid 2.3 million dollars to conduct several experiments. Those experiments were aimed at proving Trump is the center of the universe, and that everything in it revolves around him. Trump was extremely pleased when the man he gave 2.3 million dollars to came back and told him that indeed the entire known universe revolved around him.

“Mommy always told me it was so,” Trump reportedly said, “but I never knew if I could believe her. Not that my mother ever lied about anything. Trumps don’t lie, ever. But these new planets this Theresa satellite is going to find, I don’t know that I like ’em. You know how it is when something new comes into your life like a new pair of shoes, or a refugee, whatever? You have to extremely vet them.”

President Trump got on the phone to “the head NASA nerds” as he told his secretary, and he ordered them to make sure any new planet that TESS finds also revolves around him.









“I need to know for cock-and-balls sure,” Trump told NASA., “These new planets are going to revolve around me too. You hear me? If they aren’t when you find ’em, you better make sure they do before you tell me about ’em!”

While he had them on the line, Trump also decided to task NASA with a few things he’d been meaning to call them about.I’ve been told my whole life then boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls go to Mars to get more candy bars,” Trump said.

“I need to know if that’s true. It seems like we should do something about losing all our good young men to Jupiter’s stupider-fication program, don’t you think?”

A spokesperson from NASA said that they aren’t “entirely sure that the president understands anything even remotely related to science” but that they’d probably end up doing what Trump asked of them because “that’s how our government works.”

This is a developing story.

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