*Series premise explained and Snow White examined in the first part: Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: Snow White*and Lesson From a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid

The Plot

Once upon a time a child was born to a King and Queen. As was the custom at the time, the monarchs invited a few fairies to drop by and magically bless the deficient lump into something more in keeping with their standards.

The first Faerie, despite both parents being quite attractive, foresaw the bucktoothed, man-handed, tank-assed hooker that the girl would grow into, and so gifted her with the blessing of Beauty.The Second Faerie, knowing that the girls fundamental worth had been established, gave her the gift of song, that she might amuse the crowds drawn to her beauty.At that point the evil faerie Maleficent, furious at being excluded from a middling kingdoms baby shower, damned the child with the curse of dying at sixteen from a spinning wheel-inflicted stroke. The Third Faerie, denied her opportunity to grant the gift of great taste in shoes, amended Maleficent’s blessing to a sleep that can only be lifted by true love’s kiss. The King responded to this shocking turn of events by ordering the destruction of all spinning wheels in the kingdom and turning custody of his child over to the fairies, to be raised in a cottage in the woods until she came of age.

Jump cut to the present and the fifteen year old princess, delusional and maladjusted from being raised in isolation, is singing and dancing with a sex doll gallant, assembled voltron-like from forest creatures and an abandoned cloak. The abandoned cloak of a twenty something creeper of Prince who is also wandering said woods, and unknown to both arranged to marry her.

The prince, as any gentleman would when confronted by a minor suffering a psychotic break, pushes the animals aside and joins the dance. The Princess attempts to flee, only to be grabbed and calmed with reassuring murmurs of “Don’t worry baby, we met in dream”. Gals, eh! They canoodle a bit but she leaves chastely without ever giving her name, though she does shout out her home address.

When the princess returns to the cottage the faeries mention that she will be abandoning her current life and returning to her previously unmentioned secret family and imminent arranged marriage. She’s not thrilled but goes anyways. The second the princess sets foot in the castle Maleficent turns into a spinning wheel and baits her into touching it. As foretold, she kind of dies. The faeries, having pooched the deal entirely, put the entire kingdom into a magical sleep, except for the prince who ditched town to shag the “peasant” girl he met in the woods.

Upon reaching the “peasant” girl’s house he’s shanghaied to Maleficent’s dungeon. The good faries stage a rescue. Kid gets a magic sword and shield. The evil faerie turns in to a giant hellspawned dragon. To his partial credit the prince sacks up and lands a sword Hail Mary straight to the dragon’s heart. He then kisses the Princess and happily ever after.

A fair reading of the subtext

Insecure parents, desperate to make their chud daughter worthy of a political marriage, seek the assistance of supernatural beings to bless the suck out of her. When dark forces lash out at this affront to the natural order the parents stash the child in the woods, keeping her ignorant of her identity, past, and dark onus until she’s old enough to have the curse fucked out her by a helpful prince. It all works out for the best.

Lessons inherent to the story

If you suspect that your children will be unable to properly live out your thwarted dreams make whatever dark bargains necessary to equip them for the task: And be sure to properly hamstring any opportunities that they might have for self determination. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a two kingdoms, four wishes, and an intensely limited worldview to raise a princess. Aim high.

If you meet a pedophile in the woods: be sure to make a few token escape attempts before being lulled by his song. You don’t want to be seen as easy.

When wishing on the behalf of others choose wisely:

Beauty is more important than: judgment, curiosity, will, dignity, or ambition

Singing is more important than: reading, building, imagining, or exploring.

If you get a clean third wish, jump the kid straight to puberty so they can be of immediate use.

If your daughter is cursed: be sure to avoid any and all mentions of the nature of the problem, the one lethal object she needs to avoid, and the exact date that the curse will end. It will only confuse her.



Lessons that I hope my daughter will extract

The Princess is so devoid of personality and agency that the story ceases to be about her. She is entirely plot conceit and motivation for characters deemed more worthy. This is a story of a parental failure and the lessons needed reflect this.

Lessons that I hope parents will Extract.

If your child possesses a lethal spinning wheel allergy: a pair of sturdy gloves, a well worded medical alert bracelet, and regular reminders to avoid spinning wheels are a far more effective guard than decimating your kingdom’s textile industry. While magic is a scary thing, so too is a horde of naked peasants rising up in revolt against you.

Don’t outsource parental responsibility to supernatural forces: No matter the role you feel magic played in their creation, the end responsibility for your child being a decent human being is yours alone. When your daughter is snorting bumps of ketamine off a toilet seat to get through her day shift at the strip club, she’s not going to thank you for avoiding the wrath of conceptual beings.

Your desire to shape a perfect person is a function of your pride, not your love:The limits of your imagination should not be the limits of their opportunity. Your perception of who they could be, if held too strongly, will keep you from ever knowing who they’ve become.

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*Series premise explained and Snow White examined in the first part: Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: Snow White*and Lesson From a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid