By XI MEITEI

Western Media Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The chief correspondent for a top US newspaper has admitted that he has pretty much no idea what is currently going on in China.

“Nope – I’ve got nothing, to be honest with you. Not a goddamn clue,” said 44-year-old Peter Whitman, a veteran of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars who was previously a correspondent in Syria and Egypt. “And neither does anyone else. Your next guess is probably just as good as mine.”

Amid speculation and scandal surrounding the 18th Party Congress, which begins today, Whitman confessed that neither he nor any of his colleagues had any notion about what is actually happening behind the walled compounds of Zhongnanhai and Beidahe, where the key decisions are usually made about the upcoming leadership transition.

“Sometimes, I feel embarrassed when people ask me what’s really going on with, say, Bo Xilai or Jiang Zemin and I have to kind of roll my eyes, shrug and sometimes even extend my hands, with the palms upwards, like I’m some kind of complete asshat,” said Whitman. “But honestly, we’re really doing our best.”

Whitman argues that, when it requires an immersive understanding of the internal, ongoing dynamics of the Chinese Communist Party as it approaches one of its most momentous power handovers in history, “There’s probably a box of interesting rocks on Jia Qinglin’s desk that knows more that we do.”

Observing somewhat bitterly that even the most well-researched bit of Pekingology might as well be pulled out of his own behind, Whitman pointed out that most of the sources available to well-placed journalists regarding the Party’s inner dynamics are likely to be in some way flawed, compromised or subject to bias.

“The next Chinese president is supposed to be Xi Jinping. But it might even be an Inner Mongolian goat herder. We just don’t know,” shrugged an exasperated Whitman, referring to the upcoming leadership handover.

“I mean, I could be writing my stuff from a beach in Uruguay, based on my wildest speculation, and still have about as much serious chance of getting it right as some guy who’s been here ten years on the fucking ground,” said Whitman, while close to tears of hysterical laughter. “In fact, I might as well do that – the weather’s sure as hell nicer over there.”

Citing the need to keep up basic appearances and present a semblance of authority, Whitman said foreign desk editors still routinely send journalists to China in order to go about their lives, prepare daily briefings and file new copy.

“I mean, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but it’s all pointless, in a way. I don’t know why I bother sometimes,” Whitman shrugged. “I really don’t. I mean, think about it, man: Uruquay.”

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