ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Clip-clopping his way out of the grimmest Young Liberal’s meeting in years, Darcy Alistair thought nothing could be worse than this.

However, he was wrong.

While many of the 26-year-old’s aspiring political staffer’s friends had already started drowning their sorrows at Betoota Grove establishment, The Dickless Parrot, young Darcy was still walking around the block trying to put a few kays on his new boots.

Because, he says, nothing is more uncool than brand new riding boots.

“They’re only a day old,” he said.

“When I first walked in this morning, all the boys laughed at me. Some of the girls did too but luckily the boys were there to put them in their box,”

“I don’t get it. Old riding boots are super cool and desirable but how do you get them to that point? Do you just grit your teeth? Being young is fucking harder than it looks.”

The Advocate reached out to a number of Darcy’s friends from the Young Liberals but all were too busy keeping a bedside vigil for one of their lippy mates who got bashed on the weekend for running his mouth in front of the wrong person.

However, Darcy’s feelings on the matter have been reaffirmed by a government study released this Monday morning which outline just how lame brand new boots are.

Australia’s peak scientific body, the CSIRO, explained in their 2-page report that while boots get cooler the more you wear them, the first few months can be tough.

“There’s only one thing worse,” said one chronically-underfunded researcher.

“Rolling your chinos up so people can see you hate family owned Australian business by purchasing a pair of foreign-owned RM Williams boots. If you buy anything RM Williams, uppercut yourself,”

“Buy a pair of Baxter boots. They are family-owned and Australian made. They’re also priced fairly and wear better than the faux-horn variety. Baxters are always cool no matter how old or new they are. Well… maybe the older ones are a bit cooler.”

More to come.