*Before you begin reading: I was clinically depressed for four years. The only reason why I’m still alive today is because I didn’t want my loved ones to have a hard life full of regret and sorrow. But I’m so thankful that I had even the tiniest bit of hope in myself to move forward because I was able to experience something so amazing that helped me take my next step in life. Hope you enjoy.

I looked at my friend and he became a sequence of patterns. Evolving constantly until he became a clock. The hour and minute hands turned and turned. More and more clocks appeared from his body and more and more hands turned. It was just too much to look at.

My throat was burning. I felt pain and this was the most intense pain I’ve ever felt in my life, yet I was able to remain completely calm. I simply just asked my friend (while facing another direction) to hand me the cup of water I brought over since I assumed this would happen. However, the pain soon became fear. Fear unlike anything I’ve ever seen before in my entire life. Something told me to just face it. I looked at this satanic spirit in the face and then I felt as if I was unable to control my body any longer. I lay back on the beanbag behind me and I entered into another realm.

Then, I saw a bright light. I’m still not sure if it was white or yellow or if it was in the sky or the water, but it transformed the fear I saw into a sensation of intense pleasure. The light transformed the pain, sorrow, and fear I was experiencing into a feeling of pleasure. It felt like I belonged there, and once this energy rushed through me, I knew that I was here once before.

I opened my eyes just to make sure my body was still sitting where I left it. I heard the faint voices of the friends I had just left behind. Part of me wanted to see whether or not I could force myself back into the world I knew, but the light I saw pulled me back into what I’ll just begin to call the “spirit realm”. The pleasure came back except it felt a thousand fold more intense. I had no desire to leave this place again.

“I’m a fucking god”, I thought as the sensation of ecstasy ran through my veins. But immediately the light told me I wasn’t a god and then told me I needed to believe it. And so I did. “I believe that I’m not a god”, I told myself. The light told me that I was being honest and that’s when I was able to “break through”, but before I broke through there’s something that I need to explain.

When I broke through I immediately understood why I was depressed for four years. The phrase “I’m a fucking god” was the first thing I thought of when I felt that limitless pleasure that literally forced me to blurt out those words. When the spirit told me to believe that I wasn’t a god, I was able to break through. I can’t explain why this happened, but it’s almost as if this spirit was telling me that during my entire life all I focused on was myself. Once I told myself that I wasn’t a god, I understood that I had just opened up my mind, simply by admitting that this world I live in is not just about me.

The breakthrough:

-My definition: Breaking through is when you have a complete “out of body experience”. It’s hard to explain what it exactly is, but if someone asked me I’d tell them that it’s when you are able to be fully conscious in two places at the same time: your mind and your body. Your mind is where you are, but your mind is in your body.

This is the point where I was literally just like *expletive x100* because I had no fucking idea where I was at all anymore, but for some odd reason I knew where to go. I saw a bunch of green, yellow, and red patterns that looked something like a sort of DNA molecule that kept on multiplying. I remembered this pattern, and I realized I just taught myself what photographic memory was. Then, I walked forward and entered into a room and across from me was my soul. He didn’t move, speak, nothing at all. He just started at me and immediately I knew why I was here. My soul was about to take me through his life and show me everything that he knew. Everything that defines what he understands as the universe.

I saw an infinite number of rectangular boxes organized in rows. Inside each box something was moving. I wondered what it was, but the next second I was inside of it. My soul showed me myself as a junior in high school sitting in the back of a classroom. Not only did he show me what was going on physically with my previous self, but also what was going on mentally and spiritually. I looked at my former self for a good few minutes and immediately an overwhelming sensation of emotion came over me, much like the sensation of fear and pleasure that I had felt earlier. It was the most pure emotion of sadness I had ever felt in my life. I began to sob, so so much. I can’t even describe in words how sad I felt, I just never want to feel it again. This was how my soul was teaching me to overcome my depression. It was like it was saying to me: “This is what fucking sadness really is. Do you want to feel this way for the rest of your fucking life”? And of course I didn’t.

Next, my soul took me into my room. I saw my former self again and he was so fucking mad. I saw and understood how hopeless I had felt in this moment, and immediately my soul put me through another state of pure emotion. I felt so angry to the point where it felt like I wanted to kill my own family and feel no remorse. The phrase- “do you want to feel this way for the rest of your life”- went through my mind again. Again, I told myself no. This was my soul teaching me how to control my frustration and anger.

After learning these two things, my soul told me to go back home. I opened my eyes and saw my friends and they were so fucking blurry. I didn’t even know if it was them or not. “I’m back”, I said but I immediately felt like something was pulling me back in. I’m a naturally curious person, so much that it’s almost impossible for me to multi-task because I want to put all of my focus into learning one entire thing before I move on to the next (the only multi-tasking I do is looking at the mini map while playing league of legends). I closed my eyes again and I wasn’t where I was before. It felt like I couldn’t get back there. Then, for a reason I can’t explain, I began to visualize the green, yellow, and red patterns I had forced myself to remember earlier. I went back to the rows of rectangular boxes, except my soul wasn’t with me this time. I figured out how to “stay”. This is something that I really just don’t know how to explain. I just knew how to do it. I was about to find out all the answers to every fucking single question I had about reality. And this is was my second breakthrough.

During my second breakthrough, I went back to the two places my soul showed me. I distinctly remember wanting to go back to reality at this point again, but something told me to say and I listened.

This was the moment where I literally thought I was stuck in my journey, but I wasn’t scared at all. I just knew that this was meant to be. It’s like someone told me to stay there because it was the key to me understanding myself to the fullest extent. So I learned everything about myself. Why I do this, why I do that. Why I like eating this and why I hate that. It was fucking insane. I literally felt the difference in the way my brain shot signals according to the different emotions, actions, and thoughts I felt in every experience I relived “to the maximum power”.

And after I understood this sensation of my brain working “to the maximum power” was when I felt as if I had tamed my brain. Then, I realized that the rectangular boxes I had been exploring for what felt like hours WAS my brain. My soul taught me how to explore it and how to learn from it. So essentially, I feel as if my soul taught me how to begin the process of mastering my brain (something again that I just can’t describe in words) and now I was actually doing it.

I felt like I no longer needed to be in this realm anymore and then the knowledge of another emotion overcame me. This emotion was satisfaction, feeling content, worry-free. Now I truly felt ready to go back. I opened my eyes and saw one of my close friends and I woke him up. I wanted to talk to him about what I just experienced. Nothing was pulling me back this time.

Immediately, I just wanted to cry because what I had just experienced was so so amazing and beautiful. But I knew that I’d be okay now and that I didn’t have to cry. All I felt was this urge to begin a conversation with my friend and so I did. Except this talk was different from every other conversation I’ve had since my depression began. I felt as if all I had to focus on was this conversation. No worries, no sadness, nothing.

Everything felt so right and so normal. “Is this what it feels like to be normal?”, I thought.

And that’s when one last emotion overcame me. The long lost emotion of happiness.