I’ve been stuck latley, thinking about future self and the present goings ons. So the future is some destination I will be at, a certain different position of the earth in our galaxy, with new numbers on the calender some years from now. What I am doing in this precise moment is laying out where I will be, and what I will be doing, at that intersection of time and space. Not tomorrow, or later on, but right now. This second and no other. Now of course will turn into those “next times”, and in those moments I will have further opportunities to influence my future being, but the point is I only have the present to try to nudge my course and bearing. And I waste alot of “nows”. Maybe waste is a strong word. But I certainly dont think enough about how all the small things I’m doing steer my course. Little nudges to the rudder for corrections. Now that would require thinking about the future one might say. Planning for it, and watching the horizon. That doesnt sit well because it immediatly produces much performance anxiety. I have to make the right choices right now, or everything could fall apart and it will be all my fault.

But maybe not. Maybe all that’s required is to have the right kind of focus. Or unfocus if you want to get all zen like, on staying in the flow and letting the universe do the heavy lifting. Remaining mindful, and watching for the opportunities to make meaningful moves. I believe this is what I am doing, and my words sort of write themselves as a result of that. Of course on some level that is what happens for everyone when they write, but maybe it makes sense if I say I dont have to think at all when I feel motivated to explore a topic. Sometimes. Those I record here. It’s a very wonderful feeling to realize how much knowledge is locked inside, eager to spill out if nurtured or invited. Or just given the chance.

I don’t walk around talking like this, and I cant explain it in any useful ways, so I dont attempt much with the people in my life. I am starting to feel less and less like that is a requirement though. Maybe its counter to the purpose, or more of a hurdle to try to meld the whole works together. Better to walk silently and softly, blend right in to the flow of things in an unobtrusive way. I doubt my boss wants to hear that I’m trying my hardest to not pay attention to my job, in the aim of being better at life…which would benefit my job. Unless he has done certain inner work, or at least have heard of and believes the science behind what I’m really talking about…. then that pig dont fly. Same story at home or with friends, or at least most of them. I cant make them see what I see, and would get lost in trying to translate it.

So it seems to boil down to, unless I’m at a place in my life where I can devote all of my focus to this way, I should shut my trap and do the work. Inner and outer. My family and lots of others need me to be able to navigate the same field they are, with all the duties that follow, in a manner that makes sense to them. I can do that, in fact I have been doing that my whole life. Not well in most regards, but that is now behind me. A stumble….for 30 some years. Now is much better, and I can choose to stay here. No more lingering and backtracking to what’s behind me, unless its needed in the moment. Telling and old funny story. Or an old tragic one to warn others of a trap I fell into. Those are the best ones.

And what of the future? How far ahead should I be looking? How much planning and attention do I need to direct towards what happens down the road, so that I get down the road? I’m thinking as little as possible. This road acts more like an escalator, going in all directions. I dont need to walk, so much as pay attention to where I am being carried. Be mindful of the direction and speed, or something like that. Except again, thinking this way brings up little spikes of anxiety. But in the opposite way as well. If I’m not a hands on manager of my own future, what’s going to happen? Am I going to have enough money? How will I thrive and grow in my career? What even is my career? Where are my kids going to go to school? What kinds of careers will they have? Will they have enough money? And on and on. Worse than mangling my future through poor choices, would be to have a shitty outcome due to negligence. So faith. Faith is what I need to cultivate, that all those events in the distance will be what they need to be, in the best way possible if I am mindful and present right now. It’s still on me, just in a different way than I thought. Or I think. Working on it.