BURLINGTON, VT―Wielding billy clubs as they kicked down the door and began smashing everything in sight, a team of union-busting officers from Pinkerton’s National Detective Agency reportedly tore apart the headquarters of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign Wednesday. “Your little operation here has been causing problems for some of our clients, so I’m afraid we have no choice but to shut you down,” one of the Pinkertons said through his brushy, waxed mustache as he grabbed senior campaign advisor Tad Devine by the lapels, shoved him against the wall, and ripped a “Bernie 2016” button from his shirt before crushing it beneath his boot heel. “This presidential bid stops right here, see? Or next time it won’t just be a few filing cabinets and boxes of stickers that get a working-over from the boys here, if you hear what I’m saying.” Sources said the hired goons then filed toward the exit, upending a table stacked with “Feel The Bern” coffee mugs on their way out.

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