More Lies in Single Press Conference than LBJ & Nixon in Their Presidencies

“I’m the winner!” “president” donald trump exclaimed earlier today as he basked in what he had achieved in his news conference yesterday.

“People are saying that I told more lies in a shorter period of time than anyone in the history of the world!” president 44¼ shouted ecstatically. “And I’m told that that’s a very, very long time.”

“I’m totally unbelievable!”

“I saw somewhere that Tricky Dick Nixon lied so much that he had to resign. They say something about watching what he does, not what he says. Hell, what kind of pitiful little liar doesn’t want people to watch what he says? He must not have been proud of his lies, like I am. … And, by the way, mine isn’t tricky—but it sure is yuuge!

“I was given the information that Lyndon Johnson—people are telling me that he was president during the Civil War . . . or the civil something—lied whenever he moved his lips. Hah! I topped that bigly!

“Someone who reads told me that some black reporter—he must be a friend of that colored woman who’s going to set up a meeting for me with the FCC or whatever they call it—from the lyin’ fake news Washington Post said I lie like other people breathe. Everybody knows that you breathe more than you move your lips! I’m Number 1!

“It’s totally incredible.”

“Ask anyone who lives in New Hampshire,” Little Stevie Miller chimed in. (He and Steve Bannon were standing on a platform above the so-called president. Both men appeared to be pulling on nearly invisible strings.) They have collected the data and have determined that alleged president trump told more lies in a one hour and fifteen minute news conference than Johnson did in more than four years as president and than Nixon did in his presidency of more than five-and-a-half years.” “And that’s more than those weak excuses for liars told combined!” Mr. Bannon added proudly.

Turning his head so that his profile could be seen, the man from Vlad bared his teeth and declared, “That Pinocchio guy is a loser. He can’t compete with me! Anyway, he’s just a puppet!” A sound that seemed like muffled laughter could be heard from the platform above the president*. “My nose is long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body,” he proclaimed.