Barber Doesn’t Know What the Fuck Guile is Talking About

METRO CITY — A barber at Long Cuts barbershop has reportedly been left confused by legendary martial arts competitor Guile’s description of his desired haircut.

“That guy was an absolute madman,” said Vinnie Atwood, who’s worked at the shop for the last eight years. “He said it wanted me to cut his hair ‘up and out,’ and to make sure it would remain stiff when he does upside down jumpkicks. It had to be flatter than the flattest flat top I’ve ever cut. I told him I didn’t understand and he just kept saying, ‘Up and out! Up and out!’”

Atwood alleged that the shop’s proximity to the convention center downtown, which is hosting this years Intergender World Warrior Street Fighting Championship, meant that the business received a variety of customer types and haircut requests based on what event was taking place across the street at a given time.

“Yeah, we get it all,” said Kareena Dowden, a coworker at the barbershop. “Proms, cosplayers, businessmen, you name it. Never had a major from the U.S. Air Force asking for something that quite simply defies all reasonable expectations of a haircut, though. He was a nice enough guy. After Vinnie told him he frankly didn’t understand what he was asking for, he just thanked him for his time, folded up his chair and left. Oh, it wasn’t a folding chair, though. So that was weird.”

After leaving Long Cuts it was alleged that Guile spent the next several minutes vandalizing Atwood’s car in the parking lot. The entrant in tomorrow’s competition wasn’t the only one to attempt to patronize the barbershop.

“What a nightmare this weekend has been,” said Long Cuts owner Steven Long. “I had a sumo wrestler break one of my chairs, I had to turn away about a half dozen customers for not wearing shirts, and I swear to god Mike Tyson circa 1989 traveled back in time to argue with me about what he called, ‘a pointy fade.’”

As of press time, the staff of Long Cuts were last seen discussing what to tell a humanoid beast that had come in and demanded a full body haircut.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo by Michael Li and @sevcosplay.