9.06am: Hello and welcome to the most inane/exciting/gruesome/compelling/disappointing/cruelly hope-infused day of football's most frenzied month. I will be your host for most of it. "Host" is probably the right word too, in the sense of posessed, babbling in tongues, frothing with lunatic excitement and - who knows - perhaps even driven to hurling any passing preists out of my second floor window by the end of it.

9.15am: Please do send me your emails, or you can tweet me at twitter.com/ barneyronay if you like.

Some early guff from Jules in Brisbane: "My uncle's former roomates' dog walker works on the Brighton pier. Apparently a press conference has been set up to announce Torres's arrival at Brighton & Hove Albion. He is longing for Championship football and it looks like Liverpool will no longer provide that next season"

See? It's not exactly hard.

9.16am: Nothing really happening yet update: nothing has really happened yet.

The only real activity of the day to date: Paulo da Silva has left Sunderland for Real Zaragoza

May I join with you in saying. Erm. Good luck with that then. Sometimes goodbye can be the hardest word of all. But only when it involves actually knowing someone was there in the first place.

9.25am: People we will be talking about a lot today:

Andy Carroll (will go to Spurs?)

Fernando Torres (can he escape?)

Sergio Aguero (will he go to Spurs?)

And also, apparently, waddling goal-ace Lero Lita:

"I just got off a train at Bristol Temple Meads only to see Leroy Lita at the security gate wearing pver sized headphones and a crisp white purffer jacket. When asked by another passenger what he was doing in Bristol he replied ' I am coming home....'" So says Jim in Bristol.

9.31am: A "funny" from Tony Brady: "My Auntie works for a well known greetings cards chain and has just rung me in a terrible fluster. As she was preparing to open this morning, she heard frantic knocking at the front of the shop. She peered out to be greeted by the gloomy face of Liverpool's Steven Gerrard clawing at the window. She quickly allowed him access to the premises where he explained that he needed a card urgently. As he frenziedly perused the racks of reasonably priced cards, she noticed him wipe a small tear from his cheek whilst humming a Phil Collins classic . He eventually came to the till and she couldn't help but notice the front of the card which read, "Good Luck in Your New Job!". Could it be true? Has someone managed to land the hard working, yet ineffective Dirk Kuyt?"

9.32am: There's masses of it out there. Rumour chaff and rumour thicket. It's sprouting like Russian Vine on steroids: "After Spurs defensive display yesterday Harry Redknapp is looking to sure things up with a new right back & Chimbonda has been spotted at the Lodge this morning and told my dad who was walking his dog that he is having a medical." So says Will Morris in Reading. And Ian Copestake points out: "The Exorcist seems an appropriate reference in view of the extent to which Torres' head has been turned."

9.34am: Tong Gilfoyle has some Celtic blurt: "Hello, apparently we're in for Danny Gabbidon, Shane Long and/or Faye from Stoke." Shane Long. Is he the one who stood at the back in Westlife and looked sad during the slow songs?

9.36am: Oivind is sad: "The thing that really bothers me with Torres, though I think I am coming to terms with it today thanks to spending an hour on the phone with my psychologist (ok, some stranger on the tube I think was listening), is that I thought he was different. Sounds like something you would say about someone cheating on you, I know, but come on: He said he would stay! He really did! He says he's a Liverpool fan, for god's sake, and then he wants to go to the most soulless club in Britain. What the hell?"

On the other hand: he's one of the best players in the world and he wants to win at least one club trophy before he gives up. Take his goals, take his profit, let him go I say.

9.38am: Tim in Cambridge, who no doubt doesn't agree that Chelsea are "the most soulless club in the country" retorts: "My mind is a febrile mess today. This whole thing is bringing back horrible memories of the Robinho saga a few years ago. My rational brain is saying £50m for a footballer is ridiculous, but on the other hand it might be worth it just to avoid the horrific embarrassment of not getting Torres now." Who cares really. It's only Siberian fossill fuel money that otherwise wouldn't otherwise be entering the British economy. Maybe we can keep a couple of libraries open now with the treasury skim.

9.41am: OK. I'm going to chase down a few rumour leads. Don't forget, as well as the usual snidey comments you will get all the moves as they happen here, plus the first hints that something interesting might be about to happen.

9.48am: Some news: Tuncay is apparently having a medical at Wolfsburg. James Richardson, to my left, comments: "that's it. That alters the paradigm". He may be just joking though. Shaunkrish via Twitter asks: "is Sturridge's Bolton move confirmed?" No. It isn't.

9.55am: But I can reveal that Obafemi Martins, 46, is talking to Birmingham City. Talking, presumably, about sprinting around up front looking slightly panicked and occasionally hoofing one in improbably.

9.56am: Breaking news: Paul Konchesky has gone on loan to Nottingham Forest. It's huge.

9.58am: A baseless but compelling rumour: "Word around these parts is that Steve Clarke is using his Jose connection to land Canales on loan until the end of the season." These parts are Liverpool. Funny isn't it, the real challenge with transfer deadline day is perspective. Sifting through the guff for the slightly more important guff. Perhaps we should have a ranking system. For example, that last piece of news was roughly as interesting as reading a slightly water-damaged two week old Sunday newspaper style magazine.

10.04am: A Joke! Dave Gill writes: "Liverpool FC have just made a £20 million bid for Andy Murray … Kenny Dalglish said he has never witnessed anybody hit the net so many times in 90 minutes." Meanwhile Sky have just reported from Chelsea's training ground that "there is an expectation Fernando Torres will become a Chelsea player". Does that mean anything?

10.05am: Harry Redknapp is doing one of those interviews through his car window. The interviewer keeps mentioning players' names, to which he says "yeah... Great player..." or "Like him. Yeah". He denied knowing anything about the Sergio Aguero rumour. He also said injury's Jonathan Woodgate is not going out on loan because they now need him.

10.08am: Nikcub via Twitter says Liverpool have now removed all promotional Fernando Torres stuff from the club website. Get them. On another note Loig Thivend writes: "On another note, these Nani + 12 million for Gourcuff rumours just won't go away... " That isn't going to happen really though is it?

10.10am: Ian Ashbee is leaving Hull City. Oh yes. Real actual news. I'm not sure where he's going yet. Celtic are definitely "interested" in singing Abdoulaye Faye from Stoke Neil Lennon says. And just to update you on the latest Torres whispers: Liverpool. will apparently sell him if they get a £50m cash bid today. You would wouldn't you? That's 2009-form money in 2011.

10.16am: I'm drowning in emails, Tweets, sweatily-tendered rumours and guff on the telly. Time to wade into your thoughts: Mark in Peterborough mongers: "It's not the most glamorous of deadline day spots but I work in the offices at London Road and it appears that Sir Alex is helping out his little boy again (and might be showing the first signs of giving up on a certain Portuguese). Bebe and the lesser known Magnus Eikrem are here looking to confirm loan deals."

10.18am: Richard Powell, along with others, points out that you can in fact still buy Torres merchandise on the Liverpool website. He also says: "Ayala has gone to Derby on loan."

10.19am: James Harvey writes: "Just had a text from a mate who works at Heathrow. Lisandro Lopez has just been seen in Arrivals at Heathrow T4. Internet reports are suggesting Spurs for 30 million euros." That's good. very good. And some confirmed news : Daniel Sturridge is having a medical at Bolton.

10.20am: OK, Kenny Dalglish is doing a live TV interview. Stay tuned for updates on his pronouncements.

10.21am: Kenny confirms the Konchesky to Forest and Ayala to Derby stories. He also confirms Suarez has signed.

10.21am: He's sticking to the club statement on Torres. So still up in the air that one. And that's all he's going to say about that. Fair enough Kenny. Audible sighs of disappointment on the Sky Sports News feed.

10.23am: Rory Murphy has the goods on Eikrem: "Tell Mark in Peterborough to recheck his facts – Eikrem was sold to Molde in Norway (where Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is manager) a few weeks ago."

10.25am: A plaintive transfer day story from Ibrahim Yusuf: "Sat in portacabins on a construction site in the middle of nowhere in Dubai hoping, just hoping Torres stays. Its going to be a long day (and night for me as 11pm means 3am over here)." And Sam in Brisbane is feeling bruised and sad but also a little wiser: "Torres to Chelsea feels like the moment when all your childhood fantasies were completely undermined. Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy get revealed as frauds and some time later you realise you don't win trophies by being a romantic at sticking with clubs like Athletico and Liverpool. Pity reality has to be so stark and brutal. Now losing a tooth costs me a couple of hundred at the dentist, Christmas brings increasingly diminishing returns and poor Torres will have to pretending to like John Terry and Ashley Cole."

10.28am: So. What do we know so far?

We know that Paul Konchesky has gone to Forest. That, to date, is pretty much what this is all about.

We know that Fernando Torres has not gone to Chelsea, but that he might do before that day is out. Nobody is actually ruling it out.

And we know Daniel Sturridge is currently coughing for the doctor at Bolton.

10.31am: The rest is all snurk and counter-snurk. For example, Vennlig Hilsen writes: "Maximillian Haas from Bayern Munich to Middlesbrough". And why not?

10.33am: Some pictures of Robbie Keane arriving at West Ham for training. He;s wearing a long shimmery blue scarf and a tweedy mixed-fibre overcoat and he looks like an expensively-styled Hollywood musical depiction of a cheerful Victorian tramp.

10.37am: Dalglish also said on Ashley Young: "we're not going to talk about someone else until he's our player." Which sounds fairly hopeful that he might be.

10.38am: Kaspar Nymand interjects: "The Danish media are reporting that Aalborg have a surprise trick up their sleeve as they plan to reveal Celtic flop Morten "Duncan" Rasmussen on loan. He is already on loan (and on the bench) at Mainz in Germany, so I doubt many Celtic fans will even notice." He also points out that ""Vennlig Hilsen" [10.31] means "Kind regards" in Norwegian and Danish". What a lovely name.

10.43am: Hello, Barney has gone to lunch. Or maybe record Football Weekly. I just walked in and was told "to be Barney". Meanwhile, news from our man in the field than Stephen Warnock may be on his way to Liverpool on loan to cover Paul Konchesky's absence.

10.49am: "Stephen Warnock may be on his way to Liverpool on loan to cover Paul Konchesky's absence," says Michael Ryan. "Isn't that replacing an average left with an average left back don't see the point." Look every side needs an average full-back. It's a Premier League law. What do you think the point of Tony Hibbert is?

10.51am: Here's Adam Leach: "Having watched the interview with Kenny Dalglish I can't help thinking that his reminder about Carragher coming back into the squad was a clear message to Torres, the sentiment being: 'If you want to leave son, you're free to do so, but just be aware that you're first game will put you up against a very angry Jamie Carragher.'" In other news, Mikael Forssell went to Nobu last night and had some sushi fot starters. It was excellent.

10.53am: Don't listen to Twitter, say Sky: Liverpool deny they have accepted an offer for Torres.

10.56am: Justin Nolan has news of some intergalactic transfer dealings: "I've heard rumours that Liverpool are going to do a straight swap for Jay Spearing with a Sontaran from the Doctor Who television series." Ah, the comedy lookalike: a transfer deadline staple.

10.59am: In case you missed them, here's Kenny Dalglish on Torres to/not to Chelsea: "We've not brought anyone in as a replacement for anyone else," said Dalglish, as he passed my desk on the way to the coffee machine. "Movement is part and parcel of football but the most important people at Liverpool Football Club are the ones who want to be here."

11.01am: First rule of lazy journalism: when there's no news, print a Gary Naylor email. "Sky, unusually for them, are missing a trick. The NFL and IPL have shown the way with auctions for players and all the attendant razzamatazz that goes with it. Killing two birds with one stone, Sky could also address their recent problems by balancing off sexism through having the players under the hammer parade in bathing costumes and evening dress. Richard Keys could take the David Vine role, lovingly describing "Mr Liverpool's" ambition to work towards world peace, while Andy Gray could intervene with his vital (Opta) statistics. The whole thing could be run out of Blackpool Tower Ballroom, which might just be free on a Monday in January." I don't see Tony Hibbert working towards world peace.

11.04am: Villa say Ashley Young is not for sale. "I see the propaganda war has already begun between the two main propagators of transfer blablabla: Sky and Twitter," says Ethan Dean-Richards. "I fancy Sky to beat Twitter today actually, but I think the outcome we all want is fisticuffs with casualties on both sides."

11.07am: There are pictures of Luis Suárez arriving at Liverpool's training ground. I can confirm he hasn't got Andy Carroll or Ashley Young stuffed under his shirt.

11.08am: Surreal scene on Sky as their man outside the Spurs ground just shouts the names of random footballers in Harry Redknapp's face:

"SERGIO AGUERO!"

[Negative face wobble]

"FERNANDO TORRES!"

[Negative face wobble]

"RICKY OTTO!"

[Pause for thought, then negative face wobble]

11.15am: Our man in Liverpool, Andy Hunter, says the offer from Liverpool for Carroll was £25m but has been rebuffed.

11.16am: Thanks, Tom Lutz. Barney Ronay back with you for the crucial pre-lunch session. You can, again email me at the above address or tweet me if you like on twitter.com/barneyronay.

11.19am: Some interesting news there from our top north-west correspondent Andy Hunter. In a similar vein legendary Guardian-Observer news-hound Jamie Jackson hears on his grape-vine that West Ham could be in for an as-yet unnamed defender, with Danny Gabbidon also on his way out today.

11.22am: And while we're at it the acknowledged voice of Scottish fitba Ewan Murray has this: "Celtic set to step up long-term interest in Abdoulaye Faye at Stoke. Probable loan deal until summer. Celtic will also try again with a bid for Notts Forest's Kelvin Wilson, who they have on a pre-contract anyway. Forest holding out for £600k. Neil Lennon desperate for one, probably two, centre-halves. Also keen on a striker but might be priced out of a move for Shane Long (2.5-3mil) at Reading. Speculation linked Conor Sammon of Kilmarnock (whom Derby also want) with Celtic a couple of weeks ago but this was denied, back then... Expect a few fringe departures from Celtic, Marc Crosas the most likely to move on. Rangers also seeking a defender. Andre Bikey may be that man. Hibs captain Derek Riordan may be on the move- hasnt been seen at the club since Wednesday night's loss to Rangers. Linked with Burnley in the recent past, out of contract in the summer..."

11.23am: Ewan Murray extra: "...and Rangers could be prepared to let James Beattie go, if any takers back in England."

11.24am: Just been up in the Football Weekly studio where the pod are currently, ahem, smashing it. I did a quick bit on Crawley Town and found myself weirdly sticking up for Steve Evans. Meanwhile Alex Carey writes: "A friend with "insider" info tells me Andy Carroll is al set for a move to Arsenal? Shall I slap him for talking rubbish?" Yeah probably.

11.26am: Ken Williams has this inside-sniff: "Apparently SAF hasn't sacked Ravel Morrison yet because he thinks he may get an offer today. Hibs are being talked about as a possible place for him." The mind boggles.

11.29am: Alkesh Mistry lies: "Reliable source from within Anfield, apparently Iniesta is on his way in from Catalunya. Arrving at John Lennon airport at circa 14.30. Swap deal for Torres is imminent my friend!" No it isn't. But I like your general vision of the world. Latest news by the way is that Aston Villa have not received any bids for Ashley Young. And Man City are definitely not signing Fernando Torres. Man not doing something shock.

11.35am: Some flesh on those bare, but fascinating, bones from Jamie Jackson: "Despite Liverpool's reported interest Aston Villa's Ashley Young is not for sale though whether a sizeable bid in the £20m-plus region from the Merseyside club may cause Gerard Houllier, the manager, and Randy Lerner, to reconsider is moot. Stephen Warnock, the left-back, may move on loan to Liverpool after Paul Konchesky signed for Nottingham Forest on a temporary basis until the close of the season. Stephen Ireland, the Villa midfielder, is currently at Newcastle United having a medical with a view to a loan deal and Michael Bradley, the Borussia Monchengladbach midfielder, is currently at Aston Villa undergoing a medical and may complete his move soon."

11.37am: More news on West Ham too: according to our finely-placed source Tal Ben Haim may be West Ham's defensive signing. He will cost an amazing £2m; Portsmouth are desperate to get his amazing £37,000-a-week off their payroll.

11.41am: On Twitter Grizz9999 blurts: "I'm a postman at Huddersfield's galpharm stadium... I've spotted Kevin Phillips outside." He's always hanging around there. Evan Farrell emails: "Paddy Madden of Bohemians FC in Dublin off to Carlisle on permanent move. According to RTE (official state) Radio morning report."

11.44am: Jon Baker has these harsh words: "There are some harsh (but funny) words about Ian Ashbee in the comments section of the Hull Daily Mail... "Make no mistake Ian Ashbee will go down in history as the clubs greatest ever captain. Even he couldnt have dreamt that when he left Cambridge Utd on a free transfer that he would end up captaining City to the Premier league, be driving about in a Bentley, earning £20,000 a week. and still being two stone over weight. Which, sadly is the hard facts. Thanks Ash, time for pastures new mate.""

11.45am: Si Quick writes: "Just seen Emile Heskey in Newcastle....although he was aiming for Middlesbrough." And on Twitter the lovely-sounding Craptown suggests the Andy Carroll to Liverpool deal was called off when NUFC threatened to throw in Shola Ameobi as a "sweetener". A little harsh on the hulking Toon goal-ace. Fascinating that Liverpool bid for Carroll. Seems slightly desperate and impulsive to me.

11.49am: Sam from Brisbane has this keen piece of analysis: "Life must be a bit boring for an Arsenal fan on transfer deadline day. They can all have a lie in while Arsene Wenger follows Angelina Jolie out into the world and starts purchasing babies he likes the look of to take back to North London and rear on the Castrol Index." Dominic Toms points out that "Rohan Ricketts has signed for Liverpool apparently", at least according to his Wikpedia page.

11.54am: Just to be clear: that Liverpool bid for Carroll was £30m. £30m! He's a decent enough gangling junior targetman. But give him a chance. £30m! Harry Wassell has this: "Just had a call from a sheffield wednesday insider saying that Lee "the-balti-boy" Hughes has been met by Alan Irvine and Milan mandaric. Talk of a £250000 2 year deal with £10k, 20 poppadums, 11 lamb bhunas and unlimited onion bhajis a week." Mmm. Lamb bhuna.

11.59am: So... Fernando Torres still hasn't gone anywhere. Ashley Young isn't looking like going anywhere. The Aguero thing was basically made up. And Liverpool have tried to buy Andy Carroll, which suggests Torres will may have, by the end of the day, done one. Meanwhile Luke P has this: "Just seen Dennis Wise, with the big man himself Andy Scott outside Griffin Park! Good things come to those who wait Dennis!"

12.02pm: Yvonne Fletcher, once, famously, of this parish, writes (along with several other people): "Sticking up for Steve Evans? That's not weird, that's perverse. Now I'll have to listen to the podcast to find out why on earth you'd want to do that. Keep an eye out for Andy Drury on the move from Luton to Ipswich/some other championship club."

Yeah. I guess Evans just seemed genuinely contrite about the whole Boston thing. I did feel a bit sorry for him. It was ten years ago.

12.05pm: Peter Armstrong writes: "My Mother works as Karen Bradys secretary and apparently they are in advanced talks to sign Pablo Aimar from Benfica on loan. She knows nothing about football and won't have a clue who that is so must be some truth in it." Er. Won't Mrs Armstrong now be sacked for breach of confidentiality or something. Still. Ne'er mind, eh?

12.08pm: Adam from Lancaster has a semi-serious piece of rumour: "My dad, who being from Liverpool knows pretty much everyone is also on the Guardian and he's just been told by a lad who lives outside Melwood that theres a lot of buzz about the name Benitez, not Rafa but Christian." There you go then. Knows everyone in Liverpool and also "on the Guardian". Must be true.

12.11pm: Hang on! Anon writes: "I can confirm that Fernando Torres is staying. You heard it first from an Liverpool insider." Kenny? Sammy?... Is that you Sammy?

12.12pm: Harry Redknapp is still saying no one's coming in or going out at Spurs today. He's obviously lying. Duncan Bishop muses: "Re. Peter Armstrong's claim. His mother works as Karen Brady's secretary? Do me a favour, love." Indeed. Ironical and humorous non-sexism there.

12.15pm: Adam Leach is throwing his hands up in the air: "Just as I was beginning to believe that the new owners and the return of Dalglish was going to bring about a sense of perspective at my beloved club they go and offer £30m for a guy who can't even sit on a stool. If we sell Torres we need to use the money smartly to build a stronger squad, we definitely do not need to spank a record transfer fee on someone who could well rival the likes of Djibril Cisse and Robbie Keane for the honour of being our worst knee-jerk purchase." Bit harsh on Carroll. But it is a massive gamble if you already don't have much money. In my opinion Carroll is only ever going to be worth less than £30m in the future.

12.17pm: Phil Spooners asks: "Have you seen any evidence of Brazilian newspapers linking West Ham with Roberto Carlos? I keep being told about it but I've seen nothing." No. I like it though.

12.18pm: Ole Martin Reime says "Vennlig Hilsen". He also says "Leeds United, once known as Super Leeds have sent Frederico Bessone on loan to Charlton."

12.19pm: And this just in: Ian Dennis on Five live says that Torres has been sold to Chelsea. It may be just a rumour. He also might just have the goods ahead of everyone else. But there it is anyway.

12.23pm: On the other hand Roderick Kenny, who sounds suspiciously like a Kenny Dalglish alias, writes: "My dad works in the administration support team for Comolli and apparently all the focus today is on bringing in at least two new players and the chances of Torres leaving are 'highly unlikely'". Sky Sports are still saying Liverpool have rejected Chelsea's latest offer.

12.25pm: Paul Ttereve argues: "Surely the Carroll deal is just the kind of deal that Liverpool should be making. He made a hugely impressive England debut and whilst obviously a diamond in the rough he exhibits all the signs of being a hugely talented footballer and he's YOUNG too." Yes, sure. It's just too much money. I can understand Man city paying that much for him, but then they also probably shop in Waitrose and only ever buy expensive deli-style sandwiches on fancy non-crap bread. Liverpool are more Tesco and perhaps the occasional fancy coffee.

12.30pm: David Howarth writes: "Just seen James Richardson on the number 58 bus getting off in front of The Times HQ…" AC Jimbo doesn't "do" buses. Plus I believe he is currently on his way to local BBC TV-land to do his local BBC TV.

12.32pm: The inexplicably convincing Anon again writes: "Having some good laughs about Torres deal is done. I can guarantee Torres is staying however ONLY a 60 Mill deal might change the the circumstances slightly to selling." For some reason I kind of want to believe him/her. He/she seems to know something.

12.34pm: Cillian writes: "My brother texted me that ''Rossi who used to play for United has checked in''. He works in Heathrow. Spurs??" Harry did says "excellent player" when a Sky reporter blurted Rossi's name at him earlier today.

12.35pm: This is good from Andrew Holden: "My brother works as a Hospitality Manager at Elland Road and has just rung me to say that he was showing some clients around the building when he overheard two Executives talking in the canteen about Fulham's Andrew Johnson having agreed personal terms this morning with Leeds. He tried to get closer to hear more but was seen by the Execs, who then moved away." Grrr. Those execs.

12.37pm: Chris Hollindale writes: "Given the rumours about Roberto Carlos, surely it would only be right to post a link to the fantastic goal he scored for Corinthians the other week?" I'd be asking questions about the goalkeeper. He seems to be going for a walk.

12.41pm: On sandwiches-as-transfer-metaphor Robert Marriott suggests: "Liverpool might be more of a Tesco club, or even Morrisons. Trouble is, Chelsea are dangling a voucher for Harrod's, and Liverpool are too busy trying to find some presentable trousers to worry about what they'll buy when they get there." On Twitter danprice_md writes: "any news on Everton? Can it really be this depressing?" No. And yes.

12.43pm: This stuff just goes on and on, endlessly recycling itself for ever. It's like I've been mail-bombed. It is physically impossible for me to read all your emails. Maybe you could do me a favour and if you're actually secretly Sammy Lee or Joe Jordan or a leading football agent you could say so in the subject line, perhaps in capitals. Otherwise it's all stuff like this from Richard Scannell: "I'm almost certain I just saw CSKA's Keisuke Honda rather messily eating a cinnamon roll in the back of an audi limo just near Bruce Castle Park by White Hart Lane. "

12.48pm: Tom Davies suggests that Torres has "just left the training ground in a helicopter in the last few minutes, although the destination has not been confirmed." Keith adds: "My little cousin's boss (they work at Heathrow) has just told her that Grafite of Wolfsburg has just gone past with a Spurs official. Make of that what you will..."

12.53pm: Davebaileyessex on Twitter writes: "Marca claiming Spurs have bid for Forlan again". And Mirrorfootball are also reporting the Torres-leaves-in-a-helicopter story. Presumably he doesn't always leave training in a helicopter. Shades of Kevin Keegan there. I'd guess he's going off somewhere to discuss whether to leave or not/has just said goodbye. and on that dramatic note I'm going to hand over for the next couple of hours to a fired-up Barry Glendenning, who is literally raring to get his teeth into this and other huge stories of the day. Please email him now.

1pm: Good afternoon all. Glendenning here, sitting in for Barney Ronay, who's gone to find a bridge from which to hurl himself, having recently decided that a life spent reporting that a young Spanish man may or may not be in helicopter is no life at all. It's certainly not one he has any interest in living, and who can blame him. Send your emails to barry.glendenning@guardian.co.uk or Tweet me to within an inch of my worthless life here.

1.04pm: M'learned colleague Paul Hayward is currently featuring on Twitter's "top[ tweets" section: "Andy Carroll will never - repeat never - be worth more than these offers, so Newcastle are either 1. deluded or 2. ambitious. Hope it's 2," he writes. Hopefully.

1.07pm: This much we know. Robbie Keane has a nice blue coat. Fernando Torres might be in a helicopter. Daniel Sturridge is doing a medical at Bolton. Newcastle have turned down a £30m - £30m! - bid from Liverpool for Andy Carroll.

1.10pm: I can categorically confirm that Fernando Torres is not - repeat not - in a helicopter. According to Sky's man on the spot, he left Liverpool's training ground in a car. Barney Ronay is absolutely devastated that I've scooped him him in the race to bring our readers news pertaining the kind of conveyance in which Fernando is being ferried about.

1.14pm: " can't believe we've offered £30m for Carroll, that has to be a lie," writes Paul Bernie, echoing the sentiments of many. "If we had, Newcastle would take it, wouldn't they? I mean, wouldn't they?! They would though, wouldn't they? Yes, they would." I think Paul needs a lie-down.

1.15pm: Sky's man outside Chelsea's training ground has just reported that Nicolas Anelka arrived for training this morning in a car, but has little else of interest to report. He says Chelsea are refusing to comment on their reported interest in Fernando Torres, but that their deal with Benfica for David Luiz could be resurrected today.

1.17pm: "Venky's have made an audacious bid to bring Roberto Carlos and Ronaldo to Blackburn from Corinthians," writes Jimbo Harvey, who sounds like he knows what he's talking about but may be a fantasist. "They heard of the Carlos deal from an earlier West Ham rumour and they have jumped on it - making it very clear that they need to make landmark signings as soon as possible."

1.20pm: On Sky Sports News, Charlotte Jackson has just made the world a better place by introducing footage of Bolton manager Owen Coyle being very non-commital about Daniel Sturridge's move from Chelsea. He goes on to say that Bolton won't be selling anyone today.

1.22pm: After Coyle's interview, Sky Sports News show an interview with David Moyes, in which he speaks quite a few words, but says absolutely nothing. Nothing. It's time to start waterboarding these taciturn Scotsmen.

1.25pm: This from BBC football correspondent Dan Roan on Twitter: "Reliably informed that talks on image rights and salary (approx 175k/week) are all that remains for Torres deal to be completed," he Tweets.

1.25pm: "Lots of talk about where James Beattie might be heading," says Sky's Ed Chamberlin, exaggerating slightly. James Beattie is heading to Blackpool.

1.28pm: "Nicola Legrottaglie has signed for Milan from Juve," writes Thomas Kelly, who may be making it up. "In keeping with their policy of only signing young players, Nicola is a mere 34," he adds.

1.29pm: "My mum who is a nurse in a maternity ward said she just saw Arsene Wenger being given the key to the radiology records room," writes Ruairi Sparks, who may be making it up. "He will be spending the next 7 hours pouring through ultrasound sonograms of promising youngsters kicking their way through the third trimester."

1.29pm: Sky Sports News have just reported on cricket. Cricket?!?!? On Transfer Deadline Day? Madness. For anyone who's interested, Stuart Broad's knack is clearing up nicely.

1.32pm: No Transfer Deadline Day would be complete without input from cynicism's Gary Naylor, so please be upstanding for the great man. "I'm quite happy for Everton not to piss £30M up the wall in the hope of getting from about tenth to about fifth and the chance to play boring Europa league matches against IFK Sheepshaggers of the Faroe Islands and their ilk," he snipes. "I'd rather see the likes of Coleman, Rodwell and Anichebe given an extended run in the side and a chance to prove themselves as regulars. Without oil money, what club can make a realistic pitch to join the oligarchy squatting fatly season-in, season-out atop the Premier League?"

1.35pm: "Aston Villa say Ashley Young is not for sale and they haven't received a bid for the winger," says boyishly handsome Ed Chamberlin. I believe Ed, but I don't know if I believe Aston Villa.

1.37pm: "My dad is a retired chartered accountant," writes David Hopkins. "He doesn't have any transfer gossip as far as I know, but I wanted to contribute to today's traditional sharing of parents' occupations." My father is a vet. As in veterinary surgeon, not a grizzled former soldier who suffers flashbacks to his harrowing time in Saigon.

1.39pm: Hats off to David McAllister, who has just made me laugh out loud. "Re: Beattie going to Blackpool," he writes. "The last time Holloway signed a fat and apparently useless Rangers player it worked out pretty well for him. Should we also expect a cheeky bid for Andy Goram?"

1.40pm: Some actual concrete news: Sergio Aguero has inked a new deal with Atletico Madriod and is not going to Tottenham Hotspur or anywhere else. "I'm staying because I want to," he is reported to have said. So now we know ...

1.41pm: Preston North End-supporting Guardian racing hack Tony Paley isn't in the office today, almost certainly because he's sitting at home waiting to see if Ian Ashbee is moving to Deepdale from Hull City. It looks like it's gonna happen, Paley! Free transfer. Eighteen month contract. you heard it here first.

1.42pm: Luis Suarez will be handed the vacant Liverpool No7 shirt, once filled by his new manager, Kenny Dalglish. No pressure, Luis.

1.45pm: "Up until last week my dad was a Quantity Surveyor, and had been for 30 years," writes David Britton. "I still have no idea whatsoever what a Quantity Surveyor is or what one does. Seems like a perfect opportunity to seek confirmation. PS Have Huddersfield signed anyone yet? I think I already know the answer." Beyond looking at stuff and deciding whether or not there's much of it, I have no idea what quantity surveyors do either.

1.48pm: I can unexclusively reveal that occasional Rangers striker James Beattie is undergoing a medical at Blackpool. Meanwhile, this from Bernard Keenan. "I'm perhaps one of the few Liverpool fans happy to see the club cashing in on a striker who is now approaching 'Chelsea age' with 'Chelsea legs', while cutting the wage bill and making a huge profit by anyone's standards in the process," he writes. "Just hope we don't piss it up the wall by paying over the odds on deadline day for a rushed replacement. Carroll's unlikely to rise in value over the coming years. Stick the cash in an ISA then buy up next bright young 22-year-old come July."

1.50pm: Some actual, bona fide deadline day tittle-tattle from our man in Madrid, Sid Lowe. "I cant stand it strongly yet," he whispers, tapping his nose. "But I'm getting told that Forlan to Spurs is back on [Harry] Redknapp's mind." Forlan to Tottenham Hotspur? Interesting.

1.52pm: "A friend of a friend (of a friend of etc.) works for Tottenham

communications dept and tells me Gary Neville is scheduled for a medical at

4pm," writes Mick from Brighton. "Harry, why? He really is like a single guy at the end of the disco, desperately asking women to dance, regardless of how lame/ugly/useless (in

GN's case, all three) they are." Is there a man among us who hasn't been that single guy?

1.54pm: "I had my work experience at a quantity surveyors," writes Daniel Fitzgerald. "I had to phone customers and get their addresses, but I'm pretty sure that's not all they do."

1.55pm: "A quantity surveyor is a person brought in to estimate how many more players it will take for Man City to finish 4th in the Premiership," purrs Tom Rooney.

1.58pm: I've been in the hotseat for an hour now. In that time, we've learned that Ferrnando Torres is not in a helicopter, James Beattie is coughing for the doctor at Blackpool and Ian Ashbee is probably going to Preston. I'm not sure how much more of this impossibly glasmourous work I can do without fainting from excitement.

2.01pm: Standing outside Liverpool's training ground, Sky reporter Richard Graves reminds us that Newcastle have rejected a £30m bid for Andy Carroll and that Kenny Dalglish has said he won't be discussing any of their transfer wheeling-dealing until the club has something concrete to report. On the subject of Fernando Torres, Graves says the player turned up for training this morning at 9am and left at 1pm. In a car. Not a helicopter.

2.04pm: Outside Chelsea's training ground, Craig Slater says "a reliable Sky source" has told him that Fernando Toirres will be arriving at Cobham in a helicopter in ther next 30 minutes.

2.06pm: More glamour. "I've just spotted Tony Hibbert in Barnstaple Town market (next to Butchers Row)," writes Gethin Jones. "I was with my girlfriend but she didn't know who he was. I tried taking a picture of him with my phone but my girlfriend pulled my arm back to stop me. She said I was being rude and that I should respect his privacy. Why did she bother? She doesn't even know who he is! Could this mean a move to Exeter City FC?"

2.07pm: "Since retiring, my father has followed the traditional British course of inventing stuff in his shed," writes Robert Marriott. "I can therefore break the news, exclusively, that he designed the jetpack that is currently hurtling Fernando Torres out of Anfield and in the general direction of south. Expect him to sign for wherever he lands before the day is out. Possibly somewhere near Cape Town."

2.09pm: Sky Sports sources have informed Charlotte Jackson that Manchester City are interested in signing midfielder Sebastian Larsson from Birmingham City.

2.10pm: "My mate at the local paper tells me Preston's Adam Barton is at Stoke's training ground as is Eidur Gidjohnssens dad and a Dutch agent," writes Gibbo, from Stoke. "However last week he told me there were now more black people in USA than Africa and that if everyone in Sweden jumped up and down at the same time Denmark would be flooded and this was considered as a tactic in WW2, so he may not be the most reliable of sources."

2.14pm: Sky Sports News have just cut to a rather crestfallen Gary Cotterrill, who is standing outside Tottenham's training ground. He probably thought he'd be very busy today, but only has Sergio Aguero's non-move to Spurs to report.

2.16pm: The Guardian's Dominic Fifield says that Liverpool and Chelsea haven't struck a deal for Fernando Torres yet, a state of affairs that may be down to Liverpool's reluctantance to sell him without lining up a replacement first.

2.19pm: "My mum's a teaching assistant," writes Adam Leach. "She said she's not sure whether Torres will go or not but he looks like a nice boy and his parents have done a good job raising him." Mrs Leach seems like a very astute judge of character.

2.21pm: If you're in Surrey, go stick your head out the window and listen for the unmistakable sound of rotating helicopter blades. As soon as you hear anything, let me know.

2.22pm: "Spurs' master plan to build a team of Mamnchester United rejects has so far included: Beckham, Phil Neville, Rossi and now Forlan," writes Ben Denton. "Surely a move for Eric Djemba-Djemba is next?" What? No Liam Miller or Seba Veron?

2.23pm: Sky's man outside St James' Park, whose name escapes me, seems to think that Andy Carroll will be sold before the Transfer Window slams shut this night, when Liverpool make Mike Ashley a new and improved offer he can't refuse.

2.26pm: Several people have written in to point out that the Liverpool No7 shirt once worn by Kenny Dalglish and soon to cover the torso of Luis Suarez, was also worn by Nigel Clough, Robbie Keane and Harry Kewell. So, it seems there really is no pressure.

2.29pm: Having been put back for 90 minutes until 3.30pm, Newcastle manager Alan Pardew's scheduled press conference this afternoon has now been cancelled. Make of that what you will ...

2.31pm: This is sensational.

2.38pm: That Franny Jeffers advert is from the Liverpool Echo!" writes Barrie Mills, who works at the Liverpool Echo. It was forwarded on to me by Football Rambler Luke Moore, whose parents have probably never taken out a newspaper advert to wish him a happy birthday.

2.41pm: Torres latest: Sid Lowe has been in touch from Madrid to say that the negotiations between Liverpool and Chelsea over the striker remain ongoing. Meanwhile in my inbox, somebody mailed to say that the player's agent has been in touch with a south London school I won't name, to secure places for his two sons. Does Fernando Torres have two sons of school-going age? I have no idea.

2.45pm: "May I contribute to the fevered excitement by reporting that

there are no helicopters currently to be heard in this corner of Surrey (which is probably close enough to Cobham for it to be heard if there were one, particularly if the pilot's following the A3)," writes Simon Cherry.

2.48pm: "Just heard from my source at the Bernabeu that the pool are to put in a shock offer for Benzema, with cash + Ngog being offered," writes Alkesh Mistry. "Es hablo espanol ...Si Senor!"

2.49pm: It looks like I might have been sold a pup. "Torres has an 18-month-old daughter and a one month old son," writes Clive X. "So, he's planning to be with Chelsea for the rest of his career, obviously."

2.51pm: Gerry McGregor has interesting whirlybird news. "A helicopter has just flown over us," he writes. "We are just south of Wick, Caithness. Does this mean Torres has signed for Wick Academy?"

2.55pm: Psst! Psst! I've received the following from somebody purporting to be an anonymous Liverpool "insider". Make of it what you will: "Latest news on Torres - he is going nowhere, as Chelsea are nowhere close to making a deal with Liverpool. People inside Liverpool headquarters are under strict rules in regard to supplying information to media."

2.57pm: "My mate is a chef at LFC and he's told me that Torres is still on Merseyside and not in a helicopter," writes Rich Stewart. "Don't know how reliable that is, but he does work at the club." OK, this is getting even more ridiculous - could everybody look up in the sky now - if there's a helicopter containing Fernando Torres up there, one of us is bound to spot it.

2.59pm: Right, that's me done for the day, so I'm going to hand over to Barney Ronay, who's very resentful that I got to break the big news of the day about James Beattie's move from Rangers to Blackpool. Thanks for your time and you emails, enjoy the rest of the window ...

3.02pm: Thanks Barry. Right. Me again, Barney Ronay. I actually have some actual news now too.

3.03pm: It's fairly amazing stuff too. According to our correspondent, the excellent Andy Hunter, Liverpool have bid £35m for Andy Carroll and it has been accepted. [Gasps... Takes deep breath. Imagines what £35m looks like. Fails narrowly to conjure picture of Andy Carroll]

3.05pm: Geh. Amazing isn't it. Does anybody - anybody? - think that's an appropriate transfer fee? That's a Bent and a half.

British Midland International lost £198m in 2009 but the airline's chief executive, Wolfgang Prock-Schauer, remains upbeat, writes Dan Milmo

3.09pm: Will Hayward points out: "Whilst £35m is a Bent and a half, it's also just under a Lescott and a half... Seems fair." Yes, but if Manchester City jumped off a cliff would you?

3.10pm: OK here's the thing: Liverpool could have bought Blackburn Rovers for £35m.

3.11pm: Ben Fox makes a fair point: "Liverpool are of course overpaying for Carroll due in part to his nationality and the circumstances. But surely Chelsea are also overpaying for Torres? Has he looked worth anywhere near £50m in the last year?" And Benji Lanyado notes: "Allow me to shatter your world. West Ham seem to have signed a bloke from Dulwich Hamlets of the Ryman League. BOOOOOM!" Paul McCallum is his name. He's 17.

3.12pm: Andy Reid has joined Blackpool until the end of the season. And Manchester City are "interested" in signing Birmingham wing-trundler Sebastian Larsson.

3.15pm: More top sniffing around from Ewan Murray: "Blackburn call off the loan of midfielder Jason Lowe to Aberdeen. They want to retain him due to injury problems." And Jamie Jackson has this from inside the inner sanctum of insider-dom: "West Ham United are considering signing Eduardo Cesar Gaspar, the former Arsenal midfielder, who has been on trial at the east London club. Avram Grant would like to sign a holding midfielder as he currently has no specialist in the position. Edu played more than 100 times for Arsenal and was a member of the Invincibles side of 2003/4. Benni McCarthy looks set to miss out on West Ham 25-man Premier League squad which has to be submitted tomorrow by the club. The manager may also decide to leave out Herita Illunga. West Ham are also set to sign a 17-year-old striker from Dulwich Hamlet, thought to be Paul McCallum."

3.26pm: Gerard Houllier has said that Michael Bradley "will be signing" for Villa.. It's a season-long loan from Borussia Moenchengladbach. And Ipswich have signed Andy Drury for £150,000 from Luton town. That's huge for Luton, who currently only have one bean, but can perhaps now buy another one in order to rub them together.

3.29pm: Ben Heywood gurgles: "THIS IS SPARTA!! Seriously, the Andy Carroll transfer - this is the sort of madness that made Gerrard Butler go all shouty and boot messengers down wells. I can't fathom who's the bigger nutjob - Fenway Sports for offering £35m for a crock (Carroll's got thigh-knack, remember), or Mike Ashley for considering selling his only asset and goalscorer mere weeks after appointing a new manager." It's a good deal for Newcastle. They can now buy four very good players from mainland Europe.

3.31pm: Ewan Murray is quite literally on fire: "Blackburn are in talks to sign Mauro Formica and Reuben Rochina. There could be a paperwork problem with the former (an Argentine) but the second should be fine. Rochina plays as a striker for Barcelona B, Formica an attacking midfielder with Newell's Old Boys." Quite a cheap option, Formica, but does still have a lovely finish.

3.33pm: Mark Judd sighs: "Man Utd pay £7m+ for Hernandez and Liverpool pay £35m for Carroll. Just thought I'd point it out." And a similar sum for Bebe don't forget. Brett Turner writes: "King Kenny buying a Newcastle hero to replace a former LFC striking icon - it's 1988 all over again!!! If Carroll is as good a signing as 'Cabbage' Beardsley we'll all be very happy Scousers! Meanwhile a message to Chelsea fans - look forward to spending the rest of the season obsessing about Fernando's fitness and praying he doesn't get injured, whilst being bewildered at mood swings that change with the wind."

3.36pm: Talking of Beardsley, Luis Suarez is going to wear the No7 shirt at Liverpool. Keegan, Dalglish, Beardsley. What a lineage of scurrying creators that was. Nigel Clough seemed to break the spell a bit.

3.40pm: "In the last few seconds ..." Andy Carroll has climbed on his horse and set off for Liverpool. According to Sky Sports News.

3.41pm: Meanwhile Gavin Hillery writes: "I just ate lunch in the Trent House by St. James' Park. Shane Long was in the corner having tea and a Boston cream. When giving me his autograph he said with a smirk that he had a 'sponsorship appointment'. Looks like Alan Pardew is planning for life after Andy Carroll." Shane Long. He was my favourite one in Boyzone.

3.42pm: Is £35m too much money? Does anyone think that's a reasonable price? Who, exactly, is making this decision? Oliver Neilson calculates: "Andy Carroll may be a Bent and a half.... but 1 Andy Carroll = 583 Seamus Colemans and enough left over for a modestly priced car, nothing OTT, Maybe a Ford or mid range Vauxhall. Possibly with a bit left over for a few extras, metallic paint, hands free kit, Sat Nav that kind of thing."

3.45pm: Ivor in Moscow suggests: "35 mill's a David Villa AND Charlie Adam - but why oh why not go for Forlan who plays with Suarez so well?" Why oh why. Well put.

3.46pm: Andrew Davidson makes a fair point: "I think you've missed two very important facts in your assessment of the Carroll deal from Newcastles POV: 1) that there's no chance that Ashley will re-invest that money into the squad, now if ever, and; 2) we have the best part of 7 hours to find, bid for and sign up a quality forward to replace the man that all of our tactics are based around." What about Shane Long though?

3.47pm: Robert Hunter has been snuffling about in his laboratory like a "going semi-retard" Matt Damon: "Andy Carroll = Mesut Ozil + Sami Khedira + Rafael Van der Vaart; Nando Torres = Andy Carroll + Didier Drogba".

3.50pm: Karl writes: "Stephen Ireland has failed his medical at Newcastle so the deal's off. Bizarre considering he thought he was fully fit going into it." Oh dear. This is presumably the same stringent medical that Sol "Enormous Shorts" Campbell successfully passed.

3.54pm: Alex Warwick screams :"CARROLL IS WORTH IT. When you're working out a players worth its all context. Carroll costs that much because Newcastle don't want to sell, its January amd he's English. Villa cost 28 mill, or whatever it was, because Valencia had to bit the bullet at some point, he wanted to leave, and it was summer. Bent's a similar case, he's English, its January, and Sunderland didn't want to sell." But... David Villa is one of the best players in the world. He was top scorer at the Euros and the World Cup in the space of two years. The context here is: aargh! We've got loads of money!

3.57pm: Alex Kouzarides notes; "Barney - just a thought but isn't Andy Carroll currently injured?" Yes. He has thigh-knack. Should be out for a month or so. You don't tend to hear terrible things about thigh injuries - the career ending thigh strain etc - so currently the word is he should be back in February. More worrying perhaps is the way he picked it up.

4.03pm: Mmmm. £35m on someone who's currently injured after falling off a casino stool while drinking Jagerbombs.

4.05pm: Dave Priaulx wails: "Any news on Arsenal? New CB we were promised by Wenger a fortnight ago? That Chamberlain lad from Southampton? ANYTHING?" No. None [emits heartless Sid James-style yuk yuk yuk laugh].

4.07pm: On Liverpool No7s Ian Gresham points out: "Don't forget that Paul Walsh was there in between Dalglish and Beardsley. Surely he wasn't bad enough to be ignored?" Certainly not. A hugely under-appreciated talent. Brilliant at Charlton.

4.11pm: Robert Marriott points out: "Now, I don't claim to be an expert on helicopters. But if Torres has been up in the air for the past three and a half hours, isn't he in danger of running out of fuel? Please, everyone, keep an eye out for whirligigs plummeting to earth somewhere between Liverpool and London." It's like Day of the Dead. We're going down Flyboy! Shrewsbury have signed David Davis on loan from Wolves.

4.13pm: Ewan Murray is back with more elite snippets: "Senior source at Manchester City says there is a "slight chance of a loan" arrival but "that looks less and less likely as time goes on." Also stressed said loan would be of the "cover" variety. Denied knowledge of any interest in Jan Vertonghen."

4.16pm: "Producer" Ben Green asks: "is there any chance carroll will go to jail? because that would make it a *very* bad bit of bidness for LFC". Good point. Jail-knack would certainly rule him out of a few games.

4.18pm: Gary in Ireland writes: "Interesting stats - if Liverpool pay £35million for Andy Carroll they are getting a player outscored in the Championship last season by Peter Whittingham, Nicky Maynard, Gary Hooper, Michael Chopra and Charlie Adam." But... He has done pretty well in the Premier League. I would suggest that's what it's about.

4.21pm: Mark Francombe is needlessly sticking up for the un-slighted Luton: "Ok, we let the pop at Luton Town go (only having the "two beans to rub together") … but Paul Walsh (who you correctly highlight as a hugely under-rated player) played his best football at Kenilworth Road (when he got a brief outing in the England team)." It's not a "pop". Luton don't have much money. Neil Toolan points out: "Speaking of career ending thigh strains, maybe you have forgotten about a certain Spurs centre half, Jonathan Woodgate, and his reoccurring thigh injury?" Of course.

4.25pm: John Allen writes: "No mention of Daniel Uchechi signing on loan for the Svenolution? Typical Premiership love in!" Yes, I am single-handedly maintaining the popular prominence of the Premier League. Grrr. How dare I make the Premier League so over-hyped? In future I should use my incredible, all-encompassing powers for good, not bad.

4.28pm: Mike Cameron is suggesting Charlie Adam is having a medical at Man Utd. "Any truth in what I'm hearing?" I've not heard that. He did play very well against them. Would be lovely to watch him passing it around that big pitch with time on the ball.

4.29pm: Blimey. sky are now saying that Liverpool will pay "more than £35m for Carroll". That is the rumour from "reliable sources". A deal has apparently now been struck.

4.31pm: A snatch of hot gossip from Sid Lowe: "Sevilla have told me there's nothing doing on Fabiano. Because, they say, Spurs are going for Forlan". Fascinating stuff. Forlan at spurs would be a very good signing.

4.32pm: Olly, like many others, is worried about Andy Carroll's bail conditions: "Do Andy Carroll's current bail conditions still dictate that he has to reside with Kevin Nolan? If so, does that mean he a) has a commute to training at Liverpool, or b) Nolan is part of the deal?" I don't think it has to be specifically Kevin Nolan he lives with. The point was that Nolan was his club captain. Maybe he can just move in with Steven Gerrard. Actually, hang on...

4.34pm: Alberto Tobias shares this : "Freddy Adu, the "new Pele", has signed for a 2nd division club in Turkey. Most surprising about this story? He's still only 21!" Poor old Adu. He was meant to be a thing of beauty.

4.37pm: Some breaking news. Seb Larsson will not be leaving Birmingham for Man City, or in fact anywhere. Gareth Evans writes: "Am I alone in thinking that Torres resembles a young Alan Partridge? I'm not feeling 100% and might be on quite strong cold and flu medication but I'm pretty certain that in some pictures he does indeed have a resemblance to North Norfolk Digital's star broadcaster." You know, I think you're right.

4.40pm: Ben Yelton writes: "Luton have 50,000 less beans to run together after pinching Cambridge United's best (only) decent player this season, Robbie Wilmott, leaving us to sit through the second half or an ever more turgid, desperate season looking forward to when

Rushden visit because they are a "big" team." Luton are still up 100,000 beans on the day though.

4.41pm: OK: some new news on Carroll. Sky are reporting that the second, improved, bid for Carroll has been rejected. The man from the cut-price sports shop: he says no. What does this mean? Are they holding out for more? Is the Torres move now stymied? It's implausibly tangled.

4.43pm: At least there are some things we know for sure: Obafemi Martins has joined Birmingham. Andy Reid has signed for Blackpool. Leeds have signed David Gonzalez from Man City on a temp to perm deal. Onder Susam adds this: "Former LFC goalkeeper Hakan Burton leaves Shrewsbury Town to join Turkish Super League side Gaziantepspor." And good luck to him.

4.47pm: Ewan Murray is back with more of his finest: "Negative jungle drums beating over proposed arrivals at Celtic of Faye and Wilson today. If this is confirmed, Neil Lennon either needs to move onto Plan C or face Aberdeen tomorrow night without a fit and recognised centre-back. Apart from maybe Glenn Loovens, and nobody knows his current status."

4.48pm: The talk about Adam going to Man Utd is getting a little louder and more insistent. Odds are apparently plummeting. Do United have a left-footed midfielder at the moment, Giggs aside?

4.52pm: Sky say "nothing is happening" on the Charlie Adam to United rumour. The word is they will not be doing any business. Also, Anderson is left-footed. Although, he looks double left-footed when he gets near goal. Plus, as many of you have pointed out Alan Partridge has a son called Fernando. What does it mean?

4.56pm: Nick Read suggests: "Every single human involved in the Carroll to Liverpool transfer is an idiot; whoever it was who offered £35 million, whoever it was who turned it down, and Andy Carroll." Just to be clear: currently there is no transfer. Liverpool have had their (ludicrous) bid rejected.

4.57pm: Dan York offers: "Some deadline day exclusives for the Guardian from Fisher FC of the Kent Premier League (www.fisherfc.co.uk). In a triple swoop, the Fish have snapped up former QPR midfielder Tamba Ngongue, ex-Sevenoaks target man Dwayne Cowan, and midfielder Ernest "JJ" Simon. All three should feature in the big game against VCD Athletic, 3pm this Saturday at Champion Hill Stadium, East Dulwich..." The Fish.

4.59pm: Wait! Another twist! Andy Hunter reports that Carroll is on his way down to Liverpool to discuss terms, despite reports in the North East that Newcastle have rejected the bid. Where will it end? I'm giddy with excitement.

5.02pm: That is all from me for now. Rob Bagchi will be taking you through the night from here. Thanks for all your emails. Please send them to Rob from here on in.

5.08pm: Evening all and within a minute of Barney handing over, ding, ding, ding, there's 12 emails in my inbox. Where do we stand? Newcastle have turned down offers from two clubs for Andy Carroll – one suggestion being that Spurs offered cash plus Peter Crouch. Where does selling Carroll leave Newcastle? Here's Mark Carroll's titbit: "I'm just after landing in Newcastle International Airport on the British Airways 3.30pm flight from Hamburg and one Ruud Van Nistlerooy was sitting two rows in front of me. He was wearing sunglasses, scarf and hat but you would recognise his hung-drawn look anywhere." Hmmm.

5.13pm: Luke Jerromes has news of the journalists' least liked footballer, owing to the number of accents you need to use. "Rumours that Abdoulaye Méïté is on his way to Celtic on loan from West Brom. We've tried to pay him off so this is a cheap way to clear his wages off our books and boost our chances of getting Ewerthon as a free agent, which we're in less of a rush about because he's not part of the transfer window."

5.17pm: Many, if not all, of you are not impressed with Liverpool's £35m offer for Carroll. Here's Liam Doyle, patron saint of Word of Sport books. "Andy Carroll? You sir, are surely having a laugh? Out with Sabrenomics and in with ****upenomics." Very good, Liam. OK, what if Kenny considers Carroll to be a 2011 version of 1993 era Shearer, not the one who was battling his body for the last six years of his career. What if he thinks in terms of "net spend", it doesn't matter what he pays if he gets who he wants. What if the world's gone madder?

5.19pm: "Thinking that Chelsea have been playing Liverpool on the Torres deal. I don't think they are serious … and will not make a deal until the summer," writes Chris Browne. They're definitely in for him. Newcastle have accepted Andy Carroll's transfer request, very, very reluctantly. Here we go. We're under starter's orders

5.20pm: They've rejected £35m plus add ons for Carroll but now they have no option but to sell, according to David Craig, SSN's reliable North-East mole.

5.22pm: Very, very heavy hearts at St James' according to David Craig. Bid accepted of £35m plus add ons. "Luis Suarez told Dutch media a couple of days ago that he would not sign for Liverpool if Torres was sold, so are we absolutely sure he is a Liverpool player?" writes Mark Reeves. Our man says he's signed, Mark.

5.24pm: Genius sub-editing skills from Eddie Smithwick at the end of this missive: "Where is Suarez??? I'm sitting here thinking what the hell has happended to the 'bitey' Uraguayan guy who we should have well and truly signed today? Is King Kenny waiting for Andy Carroll and Charlie Adam to arrive so he can do the traditional smile, hold the shirt and tell us you supported Liverpool as a boy photo shoot. I can see the headlines now: 'And All The Kings Men' or alternatively "Bitey, Fighty and I'll take you to a tribunal unless you give me my bonus alrighty" would be a fun headline?" Very good. Liverpool confirm theor bid has been accepted for Carroll, on way for medical.

5.25pm: Here's this from Michal Pac Pomarnacki: "Just heard from a reliable inside source - Johan Elmander to have medical at Newcastle ASAP." Not really much consolation is it?

5.26pm: On Torres, we understand that Liverpool signing Carroll, as will happen this evening, then Torres will sign for Chelsea for £50m plus add ons. Suarez to sign in the next couple of hours, followed by Carroll and then possibly Charlie Adam, who may, or may not be, the subject of a £10m rival bid from Manchester United.

5.30pm: "No information on Cowdenbeath? I've been sitting in Uni pressing refresh for what seems like days. Give me something. Infact, just lie to me. PS You might not know who Cowdenbeath are..." The Blue Brazil, Colin McKinlay. You've signed Frankie Bunn.

5.30pm: Blackpool accept Liverpool's bid for Charlie Adam according to SSN and he's on his way, in a car sent by Liverpool.

5.31pm: "Rob, why is it the transfer fee seems to be the only thing anybody considers when deciding whether a player has cost a club the 'right' amount?" asks Anthony Hulse. "The transfer fee is probably less than 50% of the overall cost of a player to a club. As a young player who is not a fully established "star", there is every chance Carroll's wage demands (he's currently on £27k per week) would be considerably lower than an established star who might on the face of it justify £35m. You can't just say £35m is a stupid fee without knowing what the wages would be. £35m at £50k per week (hypothetically, but it would still pretty much double what he's on at the moment) is probably actually very good business." I think he's an enormous talent, Anthony. We'll see if he's worth it.

5.33pm: More on the Fenway purchase of Carroll from Bobby Otter from the University of Chicago: "Actually you shouldn't be surprised by the Andy Carroll signing/offer/whatever it is right now. The Fenway guys just spent $142m on a left-fielder (Carl Crawford) over the next seven years and are going to resign a first baseman (Adrian Gonzalez) for probably about the same amount of money. So $56m for a young striker is next to nothing for these guys." Fair point, Bobby. Shall we leave Newcastle and Liverpool and Chelsea alone for a bit and look elsewhere?

5.37pm: Jamie Jackson of this parish informs us that it's all quiet on the Fulham front. And after yesterday, why not?

5.38pm: This is getting a wee bit tricky. Thirty-seven minutes in and I've got 147 emails so far. Where were you Bangladesh v England second ODI February 2010? Ewan Murray our correspondent says the Charlie Adam deal, taking him from Blackpool to Liverpool is a goer and may be worth about £14m to the Seasiders.

5.41pm: Here's Steve Jazz, bebop, not trad, with an interesting perspective on Chelsea's purchase of Torres: "I got two words for Chelsea buying Torres: Shev-chenko. We've got a nose for paying way over the odds for injured ex-genius strikers. Shevvers, Crespo, Vialli - we'll love Torres to bits for a couple of years and, then some time in 2013, sigh and wonder why we didn't hold on to Sturridge/ever play him. It's what we like to call our youth policy."

5.45pm: The lights are burning at Anfield. Suarez deal lodged with the Premier League, crossing two more Ts apparently. Torres is in Liverpool awaiting permission to go to meet Chelsea. Liverpool fans at Melwood, sweary Mary and her little brothers, are ecstatic that Carroll's on his way. Our man at the Cottage, Jamie Jackson, now hears that Fulham are trying to tie up a deal for Eidur Gudjohnsen from the Stokies on loan.

5.47pm: Breaking news. The car Liverpool are sending to pick up Charlie Adam is an Audi. Don't say we're not thorough.

5.50pm: "£35m for Carroll?" writes Chris Langmead. "No wonder George Osborne's worried about inflation; sounds like he has every right to be if Torres cost only £20m in 2007. Meanwhile, judging by the deafening silence, it seems as though Arsène Wenger has locked up and turned off all the lights at the Emirates having made the square root of eff-all progress towards getting our desparately needed centre back … hey ho." Sky have gone to an ad break. The bat signal is shining above Anfield. What else? Leeds have dumped Fede Bessone on Charlton and Jason Crowe on Orient. Are you happy now, mam?

5.54pm: News from Dom Fifield, our man on the Cobham beat. The deal for David Luiz is not dead and Chelsea are still hopeful of getting him for about £25m. This is also the view of our own Jamie Jackson, reporting the rumour that it's on. Reminds me of Yes Minister. "Is it true?" "Yes!" Yes, my God". "No, minister, it is true that it is rumoured."

5.57pm: A very interesting email from Tyler Dellow. It's lengthy but raises some astute observations:

I'm a Red Sox/Blackpool fan so I've got some idea of how NESV operates and I'm hoping that they don't sign Adam (although it's not looking promising). With that said, I am a bit surprised about the prices that they've paid. While the Chicago emailer was right that they've spent a lot of money on Adrien Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, it's generally believed that they have some sophisticated pricing mechanisms in place for their baseball team. They paid a lot for Gonzalez and Crawford but they expect to make money on the transactions through winning more games and selling more expensive baseball tickets. Their transactions are notoriously drawn out in baseball - they identify someone they want and then pursue him for a while, working to get the price down. There's a whole side issue here - you can make lots of money with a good baseball team but I'm not sure that you can with a good soccer team - and I'd sort of wondered if they were looking for big ROI on the soccer team. It looks like they aren't. My sense, as a relatively new soccer fan, is that the sport is a lot less sophisticated in terms of putting prices on players. I've been very surprised that they're just pouring money into the gaping maw of the beast, if only because I'm not sure that they've got a system in place like they've got with the Red Sox that can reliably price talent. Hope not - if they're going to get Adam, I'd just as soon they pay an insane price and never get the return.

I'll get back to you with thoughts on that, Tyler. If there's time and my hands can take the strain.

6.01pm: How's this from Neil Howson for a coup? How's it going Fiery? "Rob, just heard that SG 'would love' the ginger spud lover at ER and Paul Scholes is 'considering' his Red future. Can he be a Strachan for the banana pants generation? Off to buy a season ticket…" We can dream, Neil.

6.04pm: Mike Ashley is reported as being very, very, very, very, reluctant to part with Andy Carroll. David Craig has been asked to stress "very reluctant". Got that. They'd have held on if Carroll hadn't asked for a transfer. Does asking for a transfer now move you into Judas territory?" Here's Dan Littler: "Answer me this. Journalists have sometimes reported today on 'odds having suddenly plummeted on whatsisface moving to wherever'. How can bookies have access to information that journalists don't? Or do they just have better noses for a scoop?" They follow the money, Dan. When they say England are 4-1 to win the World Cup, they don't think they're really 4-1 they're just hedging their bets, literally. Same here. It's a journalistic cliche, aimed to give what you say a bit more weight.

6.07pm: Spurs are desperately looking to sign a striker before the window closes and are reportedly still monitoring the Andy Carroll situation. He's a player "they like" and it is thought that Newcastle would like a solution to their No9 hole and Peter Crouch would fit the bill.

6.10pm: Some of you have called Andy Carroll's fee, and I quote, "ludicrous", "ridiculous", "madness personified" and Clinton Yates says it's "asinine". Pete Marland disagrees: "Just on Andy Carroll's ability. In his time Kenny has bought Barnes, Beardsley, Aldridge, Shearer and Sutton. When he signed Speedie people were perplexed, but forget Dalglish then resigned him as his first Blackburn signing, with Speedie going on to score the goals that got Blackburn into the Premier League. Moral of the story is that goals win trophies, not transfer fees. Only time will tell if Carroll is worth the money but Dalglish has a good track record." Fair point, Peter.

6.12pm: Tim Clark asks: "Evening, can I throw an 'unconfirmed' rumour of Harry Redknapp spotted at the side of the M3 with a big bag of money and a sign saying 'Take me to Scott Parker'. But seriously, any news on the wheeler dealer at all?" Possibly trying to gazump Liverpool for Carroll, possibly talking to Diego Forlan, possibly sitting with steam coming out of his ears. He's gone to ground.

6.17pm: SSN are still saying they understand Manchester United have matched Liverpool's bid for Blackpool's Charlie Adam.

6.20pm: Neil Brock with some Newcastle perspective: "After all these years, Kenny Dalglish has finally repaid the Newcastle fans for the horror show of signing both Stéphane Guivarc'h and Andreas Andersson. You've taken your time Kenny, but you are finally forgiven. Please go and sign Marc Janko now Pardew, the clock is ticking!" Thirteen years, Neil, a gnat's breath for a football fan. I love lingering disdain. West Brom have signed Carlos Vela on loan from Arsenal – you may have known that.

6.22pm: More of your comments on Carroll in a bit. Here's Christian Boger: "Looks like Roman suddenly have got his taste for football and spending back. If rumours are to be believed a £25m offer for David Luiz has now been accepted in Portugal. The Russian is burning £75m today…" He wants a winger as well. Back to Carroll, he's arrived by helicopter at Speke or some private field and is off to Melwood. Rumours at the airport have it that Torres has finally got into a chopper.

6.27pm: "What in the name of bejabbers is this comment about?" asks Phil Keegan. "Just heard that SG 'would love' the ginger spud lover at ER and Paul Scholes is 'considering' his Red future. I am truly mystified." SG is Simon Grayson, ER be Elland Road. All tripe of course, but we've printed sillier stuff today. Well, perhaps not.

6.29pm: "Will Carroll have to stay with Gerrard as part of his bail agreement?" questions Ashley Brown. No he's stopping with Kevin Nolan's mum.

6.33pm: I'm going to have to take Hugo Mendes's word for this as I can't read Portuguese. But "the Portuguese press is announcing that the transfer of David Luiz to Chelsea has been completed. Thanks Hugo, much appreciated.

6.35pm: Sky are now reporting that Luiz is on a plane to tie up personal terms. £21m, £17-18m paid up front. Luiz goes fixed wing, Torres prefers choppers.

6.37pm: Nathan Rhodes–Brandon auditions for the role of scriptwriter for Blackadder V: "Andy Carroll for £35 million?! The deal's madder than a box of frogs who have escaped, formed some kind of amphibian gang, started terrorising other pond life and some cygnets before starting a manic chase, knocking over pensioners before being sectioned and forced to lick lily-padded walls." In the Toon Newcastle are rushing around trying to buy a centre-forward. Andy Carroll's agents are saying it's been a tough decision for him, his wages are likely to go from £27k a week to £80k a week at Anfield. Just passing it on.

6.40pm: "I may be living in fantasy land - but as a Spurs fan, that has been my lot for 25 years now! - but wouldn't it be great if we gazumped Liverpool for Carroll, off-loading Crouch in the process, and putting an end to Chelsea's hopes of signing Torres? Oh, please make it happen!" Thanks, Niall Sheerin. Newcastle have said they're not after Carlton Cole.

6.43pm: Blackburn have signed Ruben Rochina from Barcelona on a four-year deal.

6.45pm: Thanks to Phi Sawyer for pointing out that Andy Carroll's court case was dropped and the bail conditions no longer apply. However Kevin Dev has this thought: "I think it's entirely possible that he may be staying at Kevin Nolan's mum's. She happens to be my cousin and I know that her father (Kevin's grandad) thinks he is a 'smashing' lad …erm, he also said the same about Joey Barton!" Hope that hasn't queered your pitch for the next reunion, Kev.

6.49pm: Flaming hell, some very daft Liverpool fans are burning a Torres shirt outside Melwood. I'm starting to think that certain clubs' fortunes are even more tied in to some supporters' notions of their personal self worth than they ever were in the past. Burn, baby, burn.

6.51pm: Ian Holloway on Andy Reid, a "dinky-doo little player and perfect for us". And "everyone's after a bag of carrots today." Any more vegetable metaphors out there?

6.54pm: Have a look at Ruben Rochina, courtesy of Rob Walker. SSN now reporting rugby. How flippin' dare they?

6.55pm: Simon Burnton's going to sit in for five minutes.

6.56pm: Hello world! Simon here. Don't email me, though – keem 'em coming to Rob, I'm just going through his inbox as we speak.

6.59pm: I'm told that Rangers are in talks with El-Hadji Diouf over a short-term deal, to run until the end of the season.

7.01pm: Very occasionally, someone tweets something so interesting I have to pass it on. So these figures are from Gavin Hamilton (@worldsoccered): Biggest deal in Spain: Elias from Corinthians to Atletico, £6m; Germany: Luiz Gastavo from Hoffenheim to Bayern, £12m; Italy: Pazzini from Sampdoria to Internazionale, £11m plus a player; France: Rod Fanni from Rennes to Marseille, £3.25m plus a few childish sniggers; Russia: Ibricic (from Hajduk to Lokomotiv Moscow, £4.2m; Turkey: Bogdan Stancu from Steaua to Galatasaray, £4.75m. England? Madness...

7.04pm: "Please don't lump us all in with the people burning shirts outside Anfield," writes Paul Williams. "Take a look at any of the prominent red forums and you'll see widespread condemnation of the actions of those few irresponsible morons." The thing is, if you're currently burning a Torres shirt outside Anfield you might not necessarily be a moron – you might just be a bloke who's got a now-useless shirt, and is cold.

7.05pm: Newcastle "hard at work" at replacing Andy Carroll says SSN, with Emile Heskey and Peter Crouch among those linked.

7.06pm: And Rob's back, just like that. Seamless, it is.

7.10pm: "I know it's probably a function of getting old, but football appears never to have been so charmless - its players, administrators, media, shirt burning fans ... everything," says The sage Gary Naylor. " And it's at its worst on deadline day." A few of you have pointed out that the shirt burning has echoes of an alleged incident when Gerrard was mooted to be joining Chelsea, ie that it makes for good television. I can't say what you're saying but work it out for the other angle.

7.12pm: This from Thomas Kelly: " Juventus have signed Alessandro Matri from Cagliari. He's really good. In their outbox is Brazilian/Italian wardrobe Amauri, who's off to gum up the works at Parma." Poor Parma. My mate Dominic Bercelli is from the city, what a team they had in the mid 90s.

7.14pm: As Tom Wilkisnon points out. Chelsea play Liverpool on Sunday. "Hell of a way for Torres to make his debut if it goes through....!" I understand that the Torres deal is done, pending a medical. It also shows that Kenny will be Liverpool manager next season. Has to be after that vote of trust.

7.17pm: "Since replica shirts are usually 100% polyester, would they actually burn or just sort of melt, releasing a load of noxious chemicals in the process? If someone outside Anfield could please let us know, perhaps we could put out some sort of public notice to Newcastle fans before it's too late." You're right, Pranjal Tiwari. It melted. On Newcastle fans, the ones interviewed outside SJP were very calm, saying the fee was too big to turn down.

7.19pm: Something's afoot at Spurs. What that might be, I'm not sure, but Arry's not gone home and the rumour is pizzas are being delivered.

7.21pm: "Assuming the Torres deal does go through, would it not make sense for Liverpool to insist on a clause being inserted to say that Torres can't play against them on Sunday?" posits Ronan Hayes. The "embarrassment clause". Would make sense, depends who's calling the tune I suppose. Who's got the upper hand on that?

What is afoot at the Lane? Here's Ben Dunn's view: "Harry pulled off a lovely late-in-the-day signing last time out, I say he's looking for a Van Nistlerooy." Russ Down has a different view: "Pizza eh? Italian food can only mean one thing: it has to be Rossi to Spurs."

7.25pm: Confirmed by Liverpool that they;'ve accepted a bid for Fernando Torres from Chelsea – thought to be £50m.

7.26pm: Michael Bradley signs for Villa on loan, Stephen Ireland on his way home from St James' Park after reportedly failing a medical.

7.29pm: The word from Villarreal is that Giuseppe Rossi is not going anywhere.

7.32pm: Torres will play on Sunday unless a gentleman's agreement is reached. And why should Chelsea agree. This from Tom Davis: "I'm pretty sure a selling club can't insert a clause preventing their former player from playing against them. Article 18bis of Fifa's Rules on the Status and Transfer of Players apples. Or so Google tells me." And this from Rich Harris: "Surely any kind of 'embarrassment clause' is unenforceable in law, (how could an ex-employer decide what someone can do in their next job??!?). So Liverpool would have to rely on a gentleman's agreement for Torres not to play on Sunday. Can't see Chelsea agreeing to that in their current position." And on a lighter note, from Matt McCartney: "Hi Rob, just to let you know, football shirts actually melt. I know this from the experience of accidentally cooking one last week." Tasty.

7.36pm: More on economics and there's plenty more where this came from. Jam Williams: "Although the sums being talked about are ludicrous, there is a certain logic from FSG, I think. We'll probably never know the true amounts, but Carroll at £35m, Suarez at £22m, and Adam at £10m is £67m. If Liverpool really are receiving £50m for Torres, then they would have spent about £17m. That is close to the total of the original bids of £12m and £4m for Suarez and Adam respectively while getting rid of Torres' £110,000 per week wages. Might seem like a smart bit of business from their end." Yes, sort of but we hear Carroll will get £80k a week, and guess Suarez must be close to that and Adam, perhaps half that, maybe less. That's a lot on to the weekly bill. Having said that, Mascherano's sale will have saved a lot.

7.37pm: Jonny Mac has a lament for Torres: "Now he's gone, I'll have to change a bunch of passwords that were based on his name. Also, my wife has just reminded me that we named our Christmas tree after him one year too. Has the man no heart?" You named your Christmas tree after Torres? Hang on, you named your Christmas tree full stop?

7.43pm: Please share this glimmer of hope for the ever-miserable Everton fans.'Everton have signed 19-year-old Greek youngster Apostolos Vellios from Iraklis FC, according to the clubs website.' I'll take anything at this point. Cheers, Harvey Coleman. Fernando Torres has now arrived in London, the news editor tells me.

7.45pm: Important tree update from Johnny Mac: "I was a very handsome tree, we called it Nando." Here's Mark Judd on it: "Maybe Jonny Mac (7.37pm) will now realise that a Torres is just for Christmas, not for life." Burn the tree, Johnny.

7.50pm: And it's all gone quite while the doctors do their work. Here's Cho Jing Qin. "I'm a Singaporean following the transfer deadline and it's 3.42 am here as I'm typing! As much as I hate Torres from leaving, fans should never burn the shirt as the crest on the shirt is definitely more valuable than the name itself. It's disappointing to see him leave, but I guess we'll have to make do." Stephan Kalinski (and others) point this out: "Almost comical that this story leads the news section on Chelsea's website. So much hard work undone in one fun day."

7.51pm: The splendidly named John McGiggles tells us this: "Latest news from over here in Iceland is that according to sources close to Eidur Gudjonsson, he is staying put at Stoke after Tony Pulis asked him to stay at the club and indicated there might be a bigger role for him to play at Stoke." Ta, John. We heard he may be off to Fulham but his pa seems a decent source.

7.55pm: I'm indebted to Patrick Bignante for this: Just a quickie from Italy … in the UK you are gripped by the Carroll-Torres-who will Spurs sign saga with money flying around. But here in Italy we held our breath today …until we were sure that … Nagatomo's had signed for Internazionale. BTW the deal was done so late...they had to send a courier to the FA HQ with the contract as they were running out of time...how very last-minute-but-with-style Italian modus operandi." Now real news … Stephen Ireland's move to Newcastle may be back on. The problems may be ironed out later … not literally of course. Is that a second opinion, you'd be happy giving. This afternoon he's said to have failed a medical, this evening he passes it.

7.56pm: Here's Chris Cook on a Kop conundrum: "Given their recent histories dare we in the Kop chant ' ttack, attack, attack-attack-attack' lest our new front pair get the wrong message and go all WWE on the oppo?" Very good, Chris. Many of you are pointing out that we haven't factored in the Ryan Babel windfall either. Saifedean Ammous, speaks for loads of you: "Jan Williams makes an excellent point, but he forgets to mention the £6m that Liverpool were paid to stop paying the wages of DJ and part-time footballer Ryan Babel. That makes it 11m in net spending and an arguably far stronger squad. But the larger point about Carroll's price is this: There is no such a thing as 'real' or 'fair' price of anything. Prices are determined in a market based on the preferences and needs of the participants at the time and place. Chelsea desperately needed a striker, and so paid over the odds, which left Liverpool in desperate need of a striker, with a ton of cash lying around. Carrol looks like he can play very well with Suarez. Sure they might be able to get him for a better price later, but they need him now. You pay over the odds for a drink in fancy restaurant, when you can cross the street and buy it for less – but you want it when you're at the fancy restaurant. 'Fair' value is a myth – it's all subjective, baby!" Ah net spend, net spend, where would we be without net spend? I thought it went with Rafa. But it's alive and well.

8.00pm: The love for Torres was huge. Christmas trees and a place in Tim Daw's heart: "He made me feel like a 14 year old girl and I named my kitten after him. A piece of me died today." You know what you've got to do with that cat, Tim? No … no … put the bag back. Just rename him Carroll.

8.05pm: Newcastle closing in on Elmander. This from George Ward: "According to the Forest website (yes, my evening is that dull that I was looking at it - it's all there was to do in the library, apart from write my essay), Forest have completed the signing of USA international Robbie Findley."

8.06pm: Now reverse ferret time with Eidur Gudjohnsen, on his way to Fulham to have a medical. Pertinently for Rachel Bickerton: "As a Stokie, kind of disappointed at Tuncay going. Few rumours about what TP might be getting up to but I've got high hopes, as like Harry he's fond of some deadline day action. Such a diva – he just loves the drama." Expect one signing, we hear.

8.08pm: OK, OK, Peter Coles. Here you go: "I sent this before but although Saifedean Ammous's supply/demand has a logic to it, I'll say again: Torres: £50m. Carroll: £35m Szczesny, Clichy-Djourou-Vermaelen-Sagna, Fabregas-Song-Wilshere, Nasri-RVP -Walcott collectively: £44m.

Nuff said."

8.10pm: Lots of questions re Charlie Adam. The last we heard it's in the balance. Liverpool sent a car to pick him up as he's not currently driving. It was supposed to be taking him to Melwood. Then we heard an hour or so ago that he was still at Bloomfield Road. As soon as we hear anything else I'll let you know.

8.12pm: As a Newcastle fan, writes Chris Williamson, "I fear the club intends to implement the little known 4-6-0 formation. Who needs a striker anyway?" That's the Craig Levein template.

8.13pm: An email from Aston Villa:

Stephen Ireland has moved to Newcastle United on loan until the end of the season.

The midfielder links up with Alan Pardew at the north-east club on deadline day.

The 24-year-old has so far made 13 appearances – eight starts and five as substitute - in all competitions in claret and blue and ironically made his Villa debut against Newcastle at St James Park.

The temporary moves gives Ireland the chance to get some first team football under his belt, having not figured for Villa since the defeat to Liverpool at Anfield in December.

Gérard Houllier said: "I think Stephen was, first of all, a bit unlucky because he has had several injuries. I remember the first game he was about to play and he picked up a dead leg and maybe when he was given his chance the team wasn't at its best.

"The door remains open for him as an Aston Villa football player.

8.15pm: Andrew Lane has this tittle tattle: "Just a rumour on some NUFC chat, £17m for Bendtner. Heard anything? £17m is way too much for him!!" You're the first Andrew. Thanks. Keep you posted.

8.16pm: Here's a link to Nick Harris's excellent website, Sporting Intelligence. If youy get the chance, also read the stuff about John Higgins. "Looks like the January record could be smashed to smithereens."

More rumours about David Luiz from Portugal via Bruno Freitas: "David Luiz was grounded for now. Brazilian defender had already embarked on a private flight for London, due to last-minute proposal from Chelsea. However, around 19:30, David Luiz came to pass at the gate at the Portela Airport, in the opposite direction. The player will have received orders to go back. This case has similarities with what happened with Simao Sabrosa, when he received an offer from Liverpool. The information was confirmed by the Maisfutebol source familiar with the process." We'll try to get more on that, too.

8.21pm: "Naming your Christmas tree after your favourite player is probably more common than you think," writes Chris Angle. I must get out more. "The year Liverpool signed Peter Crouch me and my flatmate christened our Christmas tree the Crouchmas Tree. We kept it up for a whole year in his honour and I think we even had a picture of his face on the top." That was no epiphany for you, Chris.

8.23pm: Sky are reporting that Luiz did in fact fly from Lisbon and is expected in London in half an hour. Our Jamie Jackson tips me a wink: "West Ham are working on bringing in a midfielder and bringing Ben Haim back from Pompey – both in the balance…" Thanks, Jamie.

8.25pm: The news from Rangers is that El Hadji Diouf is at Murray Park, having talks and a medical to complete a loan deal. Didn't he once gob at Celtic fans? That'll be fun, then, for the Old Firm games.

8.26pm: Here's our very own David Hopps: "By the way, I know I have been detained in Australia recently, but if Torres joins Chelsea will that be the most determined run he has made all season? It's amazing what you can get away with when you have star quality and a hurt expression." Too true, Hoppsy.

8.29pm: So, the most common email today has been the one about Howard Webb … being too valuable for Manchester United to sell. Fifteen of them. Next up, the ones pointing out that although Arsenal's team cost only £44m, they haven't won anything. Twelve of them. And almost a hundred on Sabremetrics which I would get to printing, but it would take all day. I'll try to post a few later.

8.33pm: Rob Parker tells me Mauro Formica has completed his move to Blackburn. Thanks Rob

8.34pm: Daniel Sturridge joins Bolton on loan, according to Sky. Harry Redknapp says there's nothing happening at White Hart Lane.

8.37pm: "Torres being prepared for an interview on Chelsea TV," writes Fergus McKee. "Just heard from a friend of friend who works for Chelsea TV." We'll try and get the quotes as and when. Thanks, Fergus. Robert Gallo has a take on Torres: "50 mil + pay packet for a 27 year old striker? Total Bonkers. If any one at Chelsea is reading this column, I am currently in NYC and have a lovely bridge I'd like to sell you."

8.39pm: "I was in Geneva at the weekend and paid 28 Swiss Francs for two big mac meals, which is about £11 each, writes Ian Westlake, possibly or not the former Ipswich johnny. "I was very very hungry at the time. That's similar to what Liverpool are doing today, right?" Yep. Spot on. On Luiz, there's talk that the deal may be done in Portugal.

8.41pm: Real news from Jamie Jackson: "Eidur Gudjohnsen having medical in Stoke and terms agreed with Fulham so looks like it will happen."

8.43pm: Then pundits on Sky, Iain Dowie and Tony Cascarino, reckon today's deals put Chelsea back in the title race and Liverpool as a very good chance of grabbing fourth. Not so sure myself. Next year, maybe. On David Luiz, our Dom Fifield reports there is no hitch. It's still on.

8.45pm: This from Liverpool: "The club agreed a fee of up to 26.5m euros with Ajax for the transfer of the Uruguayan international on Friday. The deal was subject to the completion of a medical, which the player has now passed. Luis Suarez will wear the No.7 shirt for Liverpool."

8.50pm: Charlie Adam is still at Blackpool, according to SSN. Two hours and 10 minutes to go.

8.51pm: So Luiz will sign for Chelsea but will do so in Lisbon tonight, hoping the fax machines are working. "I'll be the first to admit that all the money, cars, jets, and helicopters percolating all over the UK at the moment is really fascinating but this has to be the most incompetent way to run a club," says Salif Romano Niang. "It is often argued that football clubs are businesses above all else but if an executive at a major company in any other industry waited for deadline day to launch bids and/or clinch deals, shareholders would call for their heads. Food for thought, Barcelona signed Afellay for $3m after concluding negotiations PRIOR to the window opening..." Jim White is starting to bellow now.

8.53pm: Mr Ewan Murray, our man with the shortbread, reports: "Rangers will also complete loan deal for Arsenal youngster Kyle Bartley until the end of the season." Cheers, Ewan.

8.54pm: And here's Polly: "Are City still ruining football? Or is it Chelsea now? Or Liverpool? We demand to be told. Who is leading the destruction of our national game?" Snick, snick.

8.59pm: Waiting for these medicals to be completed, speaking of which, Peter Middleman asks: "So, how do these medicals work then? Can hardly throw him on a treadmill for half an hour if he's got a dodgy thigh can they?" A player told me that when he moved from a big club to another big club 20 years ago and it was known he had a long history of injuries, the doctor was so concerned about the latest muscle strain he focused on that for the full hour and didn't test the part of his body that had a chronic weakness. I suspect with Carroll, they'll just get an expert opinion on his medical file, look at the scans, sign him on.

9.02pm: Probably nothing, Rob," writes Chris Jordan. That's what today's all about, Chris, "probably nothing". "But the 'spursonside' official Tottenham Twitter has gone very quiet for the last few hours, unusual for them seeing as they normally talk about literally anything. Perhaps saving it all up for a big announcement?"

9.04pm: I'm starving. Trying to coax Simon Burnton to step in. Luiz fee, according to Sky's ticker, is £21m plus Matic.

9.07pm: Time's running out for Charlie Adam but it's still on we think, if they've got any spare negotiators at Liverpool. I'll get the picture changed pretty soon, plenty of you want to see something else. And YES I've heard the Torres/Terry joke. I've heard it 26 times today. But thanks, anyway.

9.11pm: There's your new pic. Unless you want the shirt-burners/melters.

9.12pm: Joseph Pascual has put an extraordinary image into my mind. Must get it out: "A lot of medicals today. That's a lot of balls being cupped, one hopes not by the same doctor."

9.14pm: Good to hear from Petr Fremont again. I like this insight: "It is often argued that football clubs are businesses above all else but if an executive at a major company in any other industry waited for deadline day to launch bids and/or clinch deals, shareholders would call for their heads. The guy has clearly never traded anything more valuable than an email. Many investments and contracts have expiration dates and trade increasingly heavily as those expiration dates approach. It was an Englishman, Peter Drucker, who said, 'Work without deadlines is never taken seriously.' Today is ample proof.

9.16pm: Hearing that Bolton posted news of signing Danny Sturridge with a picture of Danny Welbeck. Here comes the cavalry. Simon will see you through for a while then I'll be back. Carry on emailing me, though.

9.21pm: Under-the-radar transfer of the day, perhaps, was the arrival of Portugal's gloveless England-thwarter Ricardo at Leicester. You'd have thought that Sven-Goran Eriksson wouldn't want any reminders of this (and the one from Euro 2004 that I couldn't find in my 20-second YouTube search).

9.27pm: Harry Redknapp admits he's slapped in a last-minute offer for Phil Neville. In the meantime, Bolton will surely find a picture of the bloke they've actually signed at some point, but they can never delete this.

9.28pm: My highly-placed sources tell me that Blackpool turned down two bids from Liverpool for Charlie Adam today, one worth about £8m, the other £10m. They want £14m, but Liverpool won't go that far. It looks like the deal is probably off, as we stand.

9.30pm: "I named my new kitten 'Fernando' when we signed Fernando Morientes, convinced he'd become a legend," writes Martin Gwynn Jones. "Naturally, I was relieved when Torres arrived. But what now?" Er, Fern-Andy?

9.35pm: Everton have rejected an in-the-region-of-£1.5m offer from Tottenham for Phil Neville. And we're supposed to believe that's the end of Harry Redknapp's wheeler-dealing?

9.37pm: Sky Sports News just "broke" news of Ricardo joining Leicester. Looks like Jim White and co are reading this very blog, then.

9.40pm: @LFCGlobe on Twitter report that Liverpool have switched attention to Ashley Young, and are currently £3m away from meeting Aston Villa's asking price. I've no idea how reliable they are.

9.41pm: And with that I hand back to Rob. It's been fun.

9.44pm: I'm back. It looks like Charlie Adam is off, Blackpool turning down bids of £8m and then £10m, holding out for £14m. No wonder he's got a sour puss.

9.48pm: "May I be among the 1,057 pedants pointing out to you that the Vienna-born Peter Drucker, who became an American citizen while still in his thirties, was no more an Englishman than Owen Hargreaves is a German? A good deal less so, in fact," writes Jason Timms. "In Canada, we have a habit of claiming as Canadian accomplished men and women with the flimsiest connections to our soil and country. Surely you lot needn't be so desperate." Point taken, Jason.

9.49pm: "Re 9.37pm: Sky Sports News just "broke" news of Ricardo joining Leicester. Looks like Jim White and co are reading this very blog, then. Be fair Rob, unless I am to assume that you are not also frantically F5ing football websites of questionable veracity." Er, a big lad did it then ran away.

9.51pm: Families are taking the strain, Fernando, all because of you. Glenn Moloney writes of a shocking encounter: "My brother (Everton fan) called me to explain his pregnant wife (Liverpool fan - she has sense) is devastated about the possible imminent departure of Fernando Torres, in fact she is wondering what to do with her red car (named Torres for many years) now he has gone. Apparently she was in tears the poor girl. I assured her 100% my brother was not laughing. No, definitely not laughing at all. Seriously, not p***ing himself with laughter. In fact I swore to her he was very sympathetic."

9.56pm: As you can probably tell we've hit an impasse. So time for some insults. Jonah Gadsby: "In response to the 9:51. That's all Everton supporters have got, bitterness at just how great a club we are. Makes me sick." Play nice, chaps. James from Kiama, Australia is musing on that nation's favourite band: "If Torres has left Melwood by helicopter, does that mean there's something in the air tonight, Fernando?" SOS for Carroll.

10.03pm: The news from Sky's man at the Bridge is that there is no official word on Torres or Luiz. Torres is having a medical, though. Touché from correspondent calling themselves didx: "'In Canada, we have a habit of claiming as Canadian accomplished men and women with the flimsiest connections to our soil and country. Surely you lot needn't be so desperate.' See also Greg Ruzedski."

10.04pm: Colin May asks: "Who will buy Nile Ranger 12 months from now and how much will they pay?" Can we up that to 38 for the Torres/Terry gag? So is Torres going to be known as a "Judas" by Liverpool fans from now on. Leeds had four – Jordan, McQueen, Cantona and Smith – who get referred to as such. Evertonians and Rooney. Spurs and Campbell. Who else?

10.09pm: Hearing from Ewan Murray that Kilmarnock's Conor Sammon is off to Wigan for £600,000. And that Torres will sign live on Chelsea TV. That's not Ewan's scoop but Dom Fifield's.

10.11pm: This from our man in Jorvik, Marti Ost. "At the Hotel du Vin in York, have just spotted Elmander with a few suits meeting another couple of suits. My guess is officials from NUFC but what do I know?" Perhaps he's been to the railway museum as well.

10.14pm: Judas news from Scott Bassett: "Carroll is being proclaimed a Judas by a few commenters on Newcastle blogs, so you can chuck him on the list. Luis Figo too, for joining Real Madrid. He had the pig heaved at him but an ornery Barca fan, right?" And Niels Bundgaard: "There is Barcelona with Figo, Laudrup and Bernd Schuster. Schuster also signed for Atletico Madrid from Real." Mention of Denis Law, too. But I'm not having it. he was a City player pre and post United. Ashley Cole, says Michelle Peter-Jones. Of course. And Paul Cockburn reminds us of Paul Ince.

10.17pm: David Walker mourns the sale of Conor Sammon: "'Hearing from Ewan Murray that Kilmarnock's Conor Sammon is off to Wigan for £600,000.' I thought we might have dodged a bullet but good luck to him anyway. All the best Connor!" More Judases of the Hibee variety from Allan Hosey: "Craig Patterson (now chairman of the Hibernian Historical Trust), Ian Murray (now the sometime Hibs captain and back to being liked), Derek Riordan (now the only object of affection from a much disaffected Hibs support since he's back at Easter Road). Moral of the list? Fans are like spurned lovers who will forgive all if someone is back playin