dear diary,

i am normally a private person and i keep mostly everything to myself. every single interaction, every breathe i overanalyze, every negative reflection digs into my heart. i used to write a lot, maybe too much. it was my release, it was how i got over things, or try to understand myself better. it took me a while to decide on this, showing the world who i am, how i think, exposing every moment ive had, raw. love, oh love, the most fascinating topic in the world. it can drive you crazy one day and the other, you feel like you are the king of the world. so finally, here are my thoughts, completely raw, how i was addicted to a guy, my journey, and being heart broken. so i guess, here we go.

every moment you do you are losing yourself to something. every time i meet anyone i am giving up a part of myself, my memories, my body, my sense of being whole. every moment that ticks by a second of your life is gone, every time you tell someone a secret, you are giving up the inner depths of your heart to someone to keep. you expose yourself to things day by day until every thing is taken away from you, dispersed around the world. once they are gone they are gone, you can never take back what you gave. you become less and less yourself but at the same time you get more and more of yourself if you hopefully see it impact things. its an exchange, you take an give the remaining parts of your soul, your memory, your body and take what is left of theirs as well. as we grow older we become more mature yet more vulnerable with exposing to everyone, everything.

it’s nearly the end. less than a month away when everything turns to dust. because in the end that’s what happens to everything. the glitters all around us that make up our emotions shower around us. we try to touch them, cuddle them in our hands before they sprinkles and smash into the floor. we try to hold together what makes us one. the relationships we start to have, finishing the relationships we want to move on with. it’s bitter. the whole concept of time. how we all just want things to last forever. forever? forever. and ever. it’s crazy how we are all still here, playing with each others emotions, depending on each other to make us one. because really, who can ever be one. it’s crazy how emotions pass away. it’s crazy the speed of everything. how people’s mind change. how we grow up. how we become less and less innocent. it hurts. how we aren’t that one before. our minds get twisted. but for what? we start to love other things and we change the person we become. we become the person how we want others to perceive us. because in the end. well that doesn’t matter. i think im scared of the end more than death. the end of a new beginning. the end of knowing i didn’t try harder before. the end of friendships. the end knowing that in the end everything perishes. every little thing you could ever imagine. then we try to retrieve it, to piece it together and it hurts more because it’s not there anymore