Donald Trump and Mike Pence at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, July 2016 (Jonathan Ernst / Reuters)

Desperate Republicans pretend that their presidential nominee is not who he is.

As an opinion columnist, I get boatloads of interesting e-mails. Many are insightful. Some are touching. Some are hilarious. A few are a bit testy, WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS. But lately, just one month away from the presidential election, I’ve discovered a new species of e-mail, which has popped up, sui generis, like a tragic Venus rising from the sea.


Brace yourself, for perhaps you’ve seen it, too: It’s the “Vote for Donald Trump, because he’s so nightmarish, he’s sure to get impeached, and then we’ll have Mike Pence as president!” e-mail.

Once a shy creature, this plucky digital mutation now boasts several colorful variations. There’s the “Mike Pence will be Trump’s shadow president” e-mail; the “Come on, Trump just wants to play president on TV, so he won’t make any trouble” e-mail; or, occasionally, the very dark, quietly terrible “Trump’s 70! He’s old! He might die in office, and then we get Mike Pence as president!” e-mail. (No, really, I’ve gotten this. Please do not write this e-mail.)

These missives represent a morphing of sorts, revealing a larger phenomenon: the sixth and perhaps final stage of the GOP’s evolving Trumpian grief. Let’s call it the Trumpian escape-hatch fantasy. It’s a mindset, alas, that can only lead to heartache.


In 2016, it’s become a bit of a cliché to map, Kübler-Ross-style, the stages of Republicans’ coping with their ramshackle and occasionally terrifying presidential nominee: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. But in the age of Trump, for many good-hearted Republicans, acceptance — supposedly the final stage of grief — is simply not acceptable.


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No, no: This is all too bizarre, this presidential fiasco. It was also preventable! The old model of grief will not do. Instead, like a pack of crazed Venice Beach roller-bladers, certain GOPers have blown right past the Acceptance Popsicle Stand – which, since it’s 2016, may or may not secretly sell meth, various state secrets, and new gender identities — and plowed off the sidewalk. They have toppled over, scattering various indignant seagulls, and finally settled into a new, more exciting stage, deep in the toasty, comforting sand. “We can vote for Trump for president,” they seem to say, dreamily, “but Trump won’t really be president.”

Compelling, isn’t it? Oh, I’m just kidding. It’s completely ludicrous. Dear Republicans: Donald Trump is your presidential nominee. It does not help anyone to pretend otherwise, even though Mike “Trust Me, Maybe! Oh Wait, I’m Running with You Know Who” Pence valiantly tried to do just that during Tuesday’s vice-presidential debate.


Confronted on national television with various questionable things Trump has done or said — admiring Putin, or claiming that Russia would never go into Ukraine, or suggesting that everyone and his brother should get nuclear weapons — Pence merely chortled, mournfully shook his head, or outright denied that the truth was so.

Dear Republicans: Donald Trump is your presidential nominee. It does not help anyone to pretend otherwise.

This worked smashingly until the next morning, when the Clinton campaign constructed a snappy little video showing Trump wildly contradicting Pence’s claims — and Pence, at certain points, contradicting himself — on various counts. It was brutal. It was likely edited amid a stream of hearty, movie-villain cackles from various members of Team Clinton. More important, however, it provided a forecast of the potential future of the GOP under a Trump presidency.

When it comes to Trump escape-hatch fantasies, after all, not everyone goes “full impeachment.” (As an aside, if you think a Republican establishment that has thus far buckled embarrassingly to Donald Trump is going to go to the trouble of impeaching him, barring something terrifying and dangerous, you might want to think again.) Among certain Trump supporters, there’s a far more common coping mechanism afoot: Like Mike Pence, they go around denying that Donald Trump is actually Donald Trump.


RELATED: Pence Does What Trump Couldn’t, with Solid Debate

I like to call this phenomenon “My Imaginary Trump.” It sounds like a really cute children’s story, but it’s actually kind of alarming. Whether Pence actually believes his own malarkey is a debate for another day. Here’s the bigger point, and the broader lesson of the vice-presidential debate: If Trump wins the presidency, he pretty much owns the GOP. He will make sure of this. The media will certainly make sure of this. Trump is no shrinking violet; he will not fade into the background. In turn, the GOP will own whatever Trumpian debacles come their way.

#related#It’s worth a thought experiment, particularly if you want to take the long view of what could be looming around the bend. Financial crisis? International turbulence? Continuing interstate invasion of unsettling costumed clowns? If Hillary is president, she — and the Democrats — will own all of it. If Trump is president, well, buckle up.


In short, Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. There is no escape hatch; it’s best to accept this, and then make your choice accordingly. But if you’re voting for someone because you’re convinced he’s disastrous impeachment material, yikes, my friend. A better escape hatch might be just not voting for the guy in the first place.