CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A 20-something French woman has today plead with the Australian bourgeoisie to find someone who has Peter Dutton’s mobile number.

Matilda was born and raised in the the northeast of France, now best known as the Champagne wine region for the sparkling whites that bears its name. After her home was destroyed by an extremist regime of winemakers, the stateless non-English speaking vagrant has decided to make the life or death decision to move to Australia.

Matilda’s dash for refugee status in Australia comes after learning that The Australian Home Affairs Minister, Peter Dutton, is a big sympathisers with hot chicks who need help getting into the country to raise rich people’s children, after the revelations he granted European nannies visas when he held the immigration portfolio in 2015.

It is believed that when Australian famiies have enough money for a full-time unpaid nannies that lives in their house for free, it becomes French, these unskilled hot chicks are known as au pairs.

Peter Dutton stands accused of allowing several European au pairs into the country without the required documents, after taking a few phone calls from high-powered CEOs and mates from his policing days.

However, back in the war-torn Champagne region of France, Matilda says that she isn’t fussy about where she ends up, she just wants to be safe.

“Please help me Australian Liberal Party donors” says Matilda.

“I need to find to asylum. Toorak is nice. So is Mosman, good beaches. From what I’ve seen on the internet. Ascot could be nice but I’d like to be in a house on the hill”

“Worse comes to worst, I’d be willing to work as a governess on a one million acre cattle station in regional South Australia”