Third in an ongoing series of dispatches from the pew (Week 1–Mormon Church, Week 2–Jehovah’s Witnesses).

Part 1 is a catalog of my live tweets from a Christian Science sermon titled “Reality”.

Part 2 details my impressions of a brief conversation with two Scientists (!) about the church’s finances and evidence for its claims.

Part 1

1941 copy of Mary Baker Eddy’s "Science & Health". Linen pages & fresh Moroccan leather, y’all. #pew pic.twitter.com/a5Uni8m80B — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

"We who are about to die salute you." Christian Science service starts in five min. I will be live tweeting my experience from the #pew. — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

These Scientists know prelude music. Exceptional pianist. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Hymn I am the Lord. Congregation is killing it. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Reading in Acts about idol worship. Two women leading the service. Unexpected but cool. The women, not idol worship… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

One lord, one faith, one baptism. Heard that last week at JW meeting. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Silent prayer for two minutes. Someone brought a pet dog! Dog is not praying–it’s eyes are open. Bad dog. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Praying in unison now. Reader is pleasant but hollaback from congregation verges on creepy. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Another hymn. I’m stoked cause these folks know how to sing. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

It’s adorable how they call each other "Scientists" for short. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

These people are so nice I can’t bear to be too sarcastic. I’m soft-serve. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Hymn soloist is leaning heavily on vibratto for gravitas, but is still nailing it. I dub them Christian Singers. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Oh good–today’s sermon "Reality" is "unfettered by man’s reason". #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Reading again from the Bible and CS textbook "Science and Health". Congregation hollaback is creepy. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

They keep talking about healing and everyone appears to be healthy. Elderly but healthy. Coincidence? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Unrealities seem real to ungodly. Now some artisan word salad about science and divinity… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Mentions upon mentions. The reader says her name like she’s tasting fine wine. #pew @M424Filmcast — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Matter is not intelligent. See? Scientists! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

"Reality"? I feel detached there from… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Materiality is not reality. Spirituality is reality. Say what? Word salad buffet. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

She had to read the word "physician" from KJV Bible. She didn’t like it, I could tell. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Sin and disease lose their reality before light of God. We must abandon pharmaceuticals and take up ontology! Getting weird… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Sickness and sin are illusions. Truth is the cure. Why aren’t we at a hospital right now to put all this to the test? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Christian Scientists are artists. Their opponents are, too. Look, Mom, I’m an artist! Still weird, incoherent. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Form perfect models but avoid the movement of pendulums until death & disease disappear… Reject empirical testimony. Sounds made up. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

God put His signet on science. But ignore sensory data. Really starting to sound made up… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

I hope they sing again. They are better singers than scientists… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Mary Baker Eddy (CS founder) was whack, in my professional opinion. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

She just said "mortal mind must yield to scientific fact". In church. Apparently without irony. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Ushers taking donations now with silly velvet bags. Pianist rocks. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

I daresay the worst is over… A hymn again! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

No miraculous healings today, I’m afraid 😦 They should stick to singing and leave science to scientists. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Scientific Statement of Being… Matter is unreal and more whack. Not sure they are using "scientific" correctly. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Done! Relatively painless! Such good singers, really. I’m going to talk to some Scientists now… Thanks, everybody. Update soon! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

After the ordeal, reeling from unreality 🙂 Will update blog tonight. Thanks again, everyone! #pew pic.twitter.com/SiuqAXEAMh — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) March 30, 2014

Part 2

After the sermon I was approached by several Scientists (although none bothered to show me credentials–I’m beginning to think that they weren’t actually scientists…).

C. introduced herself and invited me to take as much literature as I wanted (I didn’t really want any). She played tag team with J. as I asked them a few questions.

“What kind of evidence supports the claims of your church?” I asked.

C. indicated that the healing power of Mary Baker Eddy’s Biblical exegesis has influenced the lives of many (Mary Baker Eddy is the sect’s founder and was reasonably certifiable in my opinion–read her book “Science and Health” and you’ll see why).

“Influenced the lives of many? How?” I inquired.

J. answered, “I grew up in the church and returned after a long period of inactivity because I was depressed. Christian Science helped me get over my depression and I’ve been healed of a skin condition, broken bones, and some burns.” Unimpressive, J., most unimpressive.

“Is there any other kind of evidence?” I pressed.

“Look, I went to college and I wouldn’t be doing this if it didn’t work,” answered J (because no one with a college degree as ever been fooled or defrauded before). “Work for me,” he qualified.

“OK. Let’s switch gears,” I continued. “What about finances? What does it cost to join your church?”

C. answered that donations were voluntary and that there was no tithe or mandatory fees or anything.

“Is that how you pay for all of this free material?” I asked.

“We do have a Mother Church in Boston,” J. answered.

“Can you look at the financial records to see where the money goes?” I asked.

“Well, all the money at local levels is distributed according to majority rule,” J replied. He didn’t seem to know anything about finances at the highest levels of Christian Science. That’s OK–oversight is for skeptics.

The more I probed the less I learned so I thanked them for their time and generosity and finally split like the better half of a bad date.

Until next time, dear reader. Stay rational!