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Markets Surge by 273 Points out of Confusion

Concluding that Hank Paulson had inflicted far more damage to the world economy than Ponzi-topper Bernie Madoff, U.S. Magistrate Judge Ronald Ellis kept Madoff out of the slammer today free on bail of $10 million. Instead Ellis issued a surprise sentence for Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson calling for his immediate arrest and imprisonment for what he described as "crimes against capitalism".

In commenting on the most curious extra-judicial event in recent memory Judge Ellis said that "Madoff had only conned people out of $50 billion" while Paulson had "managed to hoodwink the U.S. public and all three branches of the United States Government out of $700 billion!" His ruling argued, "we at least have a shot at tracing the Madoff money; good luck to anyone who thinks they can trace what the hell Paulson did with the TARP funds!" He said his unilateral decision to sentence Paulson was based on an obscure provision of 13th Century Salic Law stemming from disputes dating back to the Battle of Hastings in 1066 and the signing Magna Carta in 1215 AD (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salic_law) that served as the underpinnings to the rule of law under Charlemagne. He admitted it was a bit of a legal stretch but made a strong point. Wearing a wig, Judge Ellis read aloud the entirety of his 73-page hand-written ruling in Latin to a stunned federal courtroom in lower Manhattan that was packed with reporters, various stakeholders and Madoff himself who was overheard whispering to his attorney, "Is he serious?"

When asked why Judge Ellis felt he could sentence a public federal official who has not yet been accused of any wrongdoing or been subject to any criminal investigation in a situation where he clearly has no jurisdiction whatsoever, Judge Ellis responded candidly that this was the only thing could think of that would quell public outrage at his decision at letting Madoff roam the streets. "It seemed like a fair trade to me. There was a sense of justice, that I will admit might at first blush seem a little perverted." When asked where on earth he came up with this idea, Judge Ellis said he had been inspired by Anthony Quinn's performance in the Biblical epic film "Barabas". In fact public reaction has been mixed.

Creating quite a stir, however, was the reaction of Harvard Professor Elizabeth Warren, chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel (COP) who has been stone-walled by Paulson and his gang of financial miscreants. Appearing on Lou Dobb's earlier this evening , "I think this bizarre twist of events may actually serve the public interest Lou. Maybe now Paulson will respond in writing to the balance of 26 unanswered critical and legitimate questions he has so far refused to answer!" (see 65-page COP report http://cop.senate.gov/documents/cop-010909-report.pdf). Warren also unveiled on-air the revamped cutting-edge COP website http://cop.senate.gov/index.cfm including the new much-touted blogging feature (http://cop.senate.gov/blog/). When pushed by Dobbs whether this was a bit of an all-too-transparent populist pandering and whether she would confirm rumors that Madoff has agreed to be a guest blogger she threw her both shoes at Dobbs and responded "Shame on you Lou. I am not going to comment on any true rumors!"

And now for the real stories...

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aDdj8PNsZyds&refer=home



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