Visiting Folk-Punk Friend Asks if You Mind Picking Him up From Industrial Railyard

ST. LOUIS — Folk-punk musician and all-around vagabond Ross Smithton asked you yesterday to pick him up from the Alton & Southern Railway Company railyard for his weekend trip in the city, you reported to anyone who would listen to you complain.

“Every few years when Ross comes to visit — just like Charlie Brown kicking the football — I hope maybe he’ll finally get his act together and take a Greyhound like everyone else,” you exclaimed in exasperation. “But, no: I still have to park near the tracks and poke around looking for him without getting caught. And the railyard is right next to the airport! It’s like the planes landing at STL are mocking me as I peer around pallets looking for Ross. I thought I left this life a long time ago. I’m a freaking teacher now.”

However, Smithton is steadfast in his commitment to an authentic folk-punk lifestyle.

“Nothing is more American than screaming anti-capitalist anthems in some stranger’s living room that you booked via Last.fm DMs,” declared Smithton. “But everyone needs some downtime and to reconnect with old friends. I’m psyched you let me come into the city and chill every once in a while.”

“It’s also that time of the decade to get a new shirt, and this Cabela’s gift card is about to expire,” he added. “So it’s kinda perfect timing.”

A representative for Alton & Southern explained that while folk-punk musicians do still sometimes hitch rides cross-country, their numbers are tragically dwindling.

“In the mid-2000s, there was a folk-punk boom — every major railway had to beef up their security to follow the punks’ out-of-tune singing and arrest them,” explained Molly Taften, Chief Yardmaster at Alton & Southern. “But I guess the kids these days are more interested in Twitch streams than railing against the capitalist apparatus and social expectations.”

At press time, Smithton had asked if you wouldn’t mind dropping him off at the nearest exit ramp off the southbound side of the highway.