ABC continues on with their odd timing on how each episode plays out. Showing an episode that contains one fantasy suite date in it? If we look ahead does that mean next week we get the other 2, eliminations, hometown date of one of the two remaining guys? I don’t see how they stretch 2 fantasy suite dates into one episode. Unless of course there is lots of fucking and heavy breathing. And there is no way we get both fantasy suite dates and both hometowns in one episode. This is starting to feel like a soap opera in which there is no starting and no ending for each story line. Everything just runs together and the week in between episodes is treated more like an extended commercial. The young & the restless thinks this season of the bachelorette feels disjointed. I hope that there is some big twist at the end like Kaitlyn finding out that the guys she picks is distantly related to her. I mean if we are going to go soap opera we might as well go soap opera *cue blank stare into the distance*.

Episode starts with Ben H getting a one on one. No rose, just general tom foolery playing hide and seek in a former castle that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe it’s the hair but Ben reminds me a lot of former bachelor Jason:

I don’t really have anything else to add other than I can’t believe Jason couldn’t work things out with Melissa. What an idiot.

The Ben date ends with him and Kaitlyn sitting in front of a fire keeping warm on a chilly Irish night. Kaitlyn is sizing Ben up because she needs to decide who she is having sex with next week. Ben tells Kaitlyn that he would love for her to take him so that they could be off camera and “talk”. Our bacehlorette isn’t realy big on this whole “talk” thing that they may be doing during the fantasy suite. This leads her to speculate that Ben might be a virgin. Instead of beating around the bush or trying to engage him further, Kaitlyn straight up asks him if he’s a virgin. Very subtle. You can’t just ask people if they are a virgin. It’s a shame that Gretchen Weiners isn’t there to call her out for being so blunt:

The next day we have a 3 on 1 date. The 3 on 1 is the bastard child of the 2 on 1. Yes there is a rose, but no one gets sent home, 3 people are less likely to get into it than if there were 2, no chance for a Ashley S / Kelsey showdown like last season. Nick and Kaitlyn head off and they talk to each other by mumbling. It was so bad that we needed captions at one point. I feel like they are the two that would invent a language and talk to each other in it around all their friends and piss them off while they think it’s cute. Your little mumbles under your breath aren’t cute. Shawn and Kaitlyn also go out to talk about how Shawn feels and reassure him that everything will be ok. Shawn’s act is getting a little tired at this point. Last, and in this scenario least is Joe. Everyone can see this break up coming a mile away, except for Joe. It was like a slow motion train wreck. I had to turn away when he was talking to her and trying to kiss her. What I did not see coming however was how combative he was towards her. That came out of no where. Reunion show will consist of him apologizing and saying that he’s happy Kaitlyn found love.

After Kaitlyn sends Joe packing she tells the two remaining bros that she needs more time with Shawn. Shawn is pumped and is extremely happy that the “other guy” has to go back to the hotel. I think it’s hilarious that Shawn never calls him by name. I’ve never seen the movie but whenever he calls him other guy I can only think of this:

I’m going to pretend the story is about two former pieces of a love triangle that have to work together and fight crime and shit.

So this is it. The big reveal is coming. She’s going to tell Shawn that Nick fucked her brains out. She’s nervous, she’s stammering around, can’t find the words, then she tells him. And it’s a letdown. Shawn stares off into nothingness and after a minute heads to the bathroom to collect his thoughts. Must not have collected the one that tells you how to piss because he can’t. Shawn returns and he’s ok with the whole situation. After everything we’ve seen him do and say, how is he ok with this? Is Shawn one of those fake tough guys that talks about this and that but when the time comes he pusses out? What a disappointment. This should have been one of the highlights of the season, not an after thought. For shame.

Now I’m not sure if Jared was up next for a one on one date or what, but Kaitlyn cancels whatever plans she had with him and it’s rose ceremony time. Even super optimistic, rainbow shitting Jared has to know this isn’t a good sign. The fellas head over on a horse and buggy for whatever reason. I once knew a horse named Rusty. Hope Chris Harrison didn’t feed him beefarino:

So at the rose ceremony Kaitlyn calls Shawn’s name first to get a rose. He steps forward and says they need to talk. Usually that type of thing happens before roses start getting handed out because you are afraid you aren’t getting one but none the less:

Shawn gets one more reassurance conversation and accepts the rose. Jared is left on the outside looking in and acts all super sweet as he’s escorted out. This is typical Jared. Being all gentlemanly. I can’t stand the guy and think he’s a bitch. Later.

Kaitlyn decides not to let Nick bookend her sexcapades and instead goes back to back with him on the first fantasy suite. Is Nick getting his own sloppy seconds, or are the other guys getting his sloppy thirds? It doesn’t matter because even Russ Tanneman from Silicon Valley knows why she picked Nick:

Kaitlyn shares the story of her first kiss with him. Word got out that she made out with some dude and someone told her she is in the big leagues now. Sounds like the kind of shit that would happen at Degrassi High. Little known fact, that show was actually a reality show aboot Kaitlyn’s high school experience. Nick decides to spend his time talking aboot Shawn and how Shawn was bragging aboot having famous eskimo brothers. For the uninitiated, I’ll let Taco explain what an eskimo brother is:

I’d map out who on this season are eskimo brothers, but by the end everyone to ever be on the show will be connected by just having one piece of yarn pointing at Kaitlyn.

For the credits we see that Brady and Britt are going to try the long distance thing, because that never fails.

To Jared and Joe:

See you next week.

- Nick