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know what happened next! You were there! They started replacing perfectly good kidneys just because they were 'shaped funny'! Weekly CAT scans! Daily colonics! Soon they were installing multiple, backup organs 'just in case'! Look at me: I used to be a normal sized man who always somehow inexplicably looked fat, now I'm practically anorexic!" He motioned downward at his emaciated frame and I saw that, indeed, he was whip-thin now. Still looked fat though. Weird how that worked.

My theory is that he's made of Stretch Armstrong material left out in the sun.

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"They installed so many saliva glands in me that food simply slips right out of my mouth! It's hell! Hell has come to town, and he's asking around about apartments! Hell wants to be your roommate, and he's going to drink straight out of thegoddamn carton!" "Jesus! I'm sorry, I... I didn't know. I must have slipped through time somehow. This was all just here when I woke up. I had no idea!" "No..." a look of disbelief passed over his face, quickly replaced by a kind of skeptical hope, "can it be? You're... pure? Unaltered? Two eyes, two ears, one heart?" "Yeah, I..." he patted me down frantically, feeling all of my limbs, "...I've got a dick that does the work of 10 lesser dongs, but that's about it." At that he suddenly choked off a sob--you could tell the words 'dick' and 'work' appearing together in the same sentence pained him. I slapped his shoulder reassuringly. "Listen, man, I was exaggerating. Honestly, it only does the work of two, maybe three cocks, tops."

Still the hardest working dick in show business, though.

"No matter!" he cried, seizing my arm and rushing headlong down the path with a frenzied abandon. "We must bring you to the elder! You are pure! The prophecy is true!" After what seemed like an eternity of random, stumbling turns through a series of increasingly narrow tunnels, we finally emerged into a large, dimly lit cavern beneath the rock. Its outer boundaries were lost in shadow, and the entire floor of it was crowded with strange dwellings that seemed to be modeled after an idyllic '50s suburb. Ratty, musty carpeting was laid down in place of the archetypal finely manicured lawn; pointed sticks rubbed with chalk took the place of white picket fences; roughshod collections of garbage shaped like old Buicks, lawnmowers and ice cream trucks were haphazardly strewn throughout. As we passed by each "home," the inhabitants shyly stepped out from the doorways in their burnt and blackened suits; their housedresses cobbled together from scraps of plastic. It was heartrending. They were clinging to the past with everything they had, though the world had long since left them behind. "Where are we going?" I asked Beck. "To the elder! We have waited for this day for so long!" He dragged me up a twisting ramp onto a raised dais in the middle of the cavern. The people congregated below, a hushed murmur of excitement stirring amongst them. An ostentatious, adorned throne was erected in the center of the platform, and I could just make out the shadowy form of a man there. He stood and with great effort waddled his way into the light, where I could see that he alone was wearing an unmarked, impeccably-tailored Italian suit. His hair was obviously recently and expensively cut. His hands were soft and clean. A gold watch shone from his wrist.