So I normally don't write actual reviews, but a friend handed me his phone and said "this book is a trainwreck, read it!"

Apparently I'm a literary masochist because I did. And I took notes.



Blurb didn't match the book. The characters were incredibly flat with no chemistry. The author tries to convince you that the main characters are Emily (a supermodel turned monster hunter who is described in nearly pornographic prose multiple times), and John (described as a bald, black cop who likes to wear t

So I normally don't write actual reviews, but a friend handed me his phone and said "this book is a trainwreck, read it!"

Apparently I'm a literary masochist because I did. And I took notes.



Blurb didn't match the book. The characters were incredibly flat with no chemistry. The author tries to convince you that the main characters are Emily (a supermodel turned monster hunter who is described in nearly pornographic prose multiple times), and John (described as a bald, black cop who likes to wear trench coats and sunglasses. His back story reminds one of Supernatural). The real main character is Jake, who is perfect in every way except that he is fat. Everyone loves him and he has no faults, in fact the description of Jake matches the picture of the author himself. The male characters save for Jake are very two dimensional with no meat to them, the females are also two dimensional but all, except for the old lady, described as gorgeous model types or former beauty queens. The author goes into great detail how the ladies fit into their clothes and uses terms like:

"tantalizing orb"

"big soft orbs"

"plentiful breasts"

"Emily can't help but draw attention. Her faded stretchy-jeans cling to her perfectly shaped hips, gluts and legs like they were painted on"

"then there's her trademark white 'wife-beater' tank top, which only serves to draw stares and gawks as her ample bosoms bulge into perfect orbs with an impressive cleavage"

"Emily's beguiling dancer's physique present itself. Her proud bosom presses tightly against the fabric of her shirt. The same shirt, untucked from her pants, reveals the flat of her stomach, and the soft depressions of the musculature of her lithe body. the hourglass curve of her waist, and exquisite symmetrical soft flare of her hips, sway and twist ever so lightly. even disheveled, Emily is a ravishing vision of a woman"



we get it, the author hasn't gotten any in a while and is getting his jollies by writing stories about flat male characters that one could imagine ones self as, living in a world populated by the hyper beautiful, big breasted, sedusa squad.



Author also comes across as racist with his portrayal of a Balinese man.



The 'bad guys' don't show up until the last part of the book in a 'climax' that goes on for fewer pages than a date between Jake and tits McGee the cop lady (Rosa, the ambiguously Latin seargant who fills out her uniform with a body to rival Emily's and sparkling almond shaped brown eyes, pouting lips and a radiant smile that is a beacon of beauty and loveliness. who on her first date with Jake has him show up at a Latin dance studio where she wears in a 'dark red, half tattered shirt that exposes one shoulder and a semi sheer skirt that brushes just bast her knees. she dances a "sexy flamenco that has her twist and pause in sexy poses". Who just so happens to want to have his babies by the end of the evening. Who also drops into stereotypical "Latino" phrases when the author needs to remind us that OMG she's exotic), the fight was very very BTVS meets Dresden but not as well done. The first 2/3 drag with no real story except to focus on Jake and how much everyone needs and wants him around, including a 14 page preface...

repeat it with me, prefaces go in text books and general non fiction. PROLOGUES go in novels... sometimes.

this prologue was not needed, it was useless information that had no bearing on the story and what little information about the backgrounds of the characters could have been woven, by an accomplished author, into the story.



Author has no grasp of spelling, grammar and descriptive flow. He abuses quotations, parentheses and exclamation points with wild abandon.

This is, very obviously, a quickly pounded out first draft and if the author DID have beta readers and an editor like the dedication states, he didn't listen to a thing they said. It is also nothing like any Noir book that I have ever read.



Ever read the book 'How not to write a novel'? it's like the author did every single thing that makes a book really really bad.

This book took me two hours to read and I want my two hours back.



But if you really really want to, take a look at this trainwreck and then google the author to find his attempts at making films with himself as the main character.