Your Phone the New Epidemic That has Taken Over Your Relationship

A guide to curbing phubbing

Photo by IB Wira Dyatmika on Unsplash

Relationships are complexly interwoven with small intricate details, usually, it’s the small things that make or break potential long-lasting relationships. While smartphones do a good job of keeping us connected, it turns out they can be doing the opposite when it comes to your relationship.

If you grew up in the ’80s and early ’90s like I did, we treasured the outdoors the face to face interactions where a norm, been inaccessible had its bright side you were literally off the grid disconnected from the chaos and daily grind.

Fast forward to 2020 our phones have become symbiotic extensions of ourselves. They are part of our very existence; we tap more than we talk, we feel the pull when phones are a few feet away, for some of us forgetting your phone at home just ruins your entire day, that restlessness feeling and anxiousness of the thought all those unread messages.

Why do smartphones have such a pull on us?

We all feel it nowadays. we clutch our smartphones as if they were a treasure we can’t lose. Wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, kids, peers the whole lot are taking a back seat over the phone. At times the same phones we love elicit arguments between partners in moments when one just wants to connect on an emotional level.

When one is distracted the empathy senses do not trigger nor does he or she realize now is the time to put down the phone. Smartphones and classical conditioning make for a powerful combination. They are associated with and meet our psychological needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness. The sound of our smartphones message tone or ring tone going off elicit automatic, reflexive responses.

Have you ever been around when someone’s smartphone rings with the same ringtone as yours, what tends to happen to you? Smartphones have a long-lasting psychological impact on us whether good or bad, we need them to connect with each other. They allow us to connect, gain access to endless forms of information, news, knowledge, and entertainment. Like all things, moderation is key and timing.

Over the past few years, researchers have found the mere presence of a phone in front of two people trying to have a conversation can distract them, — with a device in plain sight the brain anticipates a potential disruption and focus gets even harder when the task at hand is more cognitively challenging than just talking. Furthermore, smartphone dependency has led to motorists driving slower on the highway or taking longer to complete their trips according to a study conducted by the University of Utah which found that drivers on cell phones are a contributing factor to traffic congestion. I believe we can all relate to this to some point or degree.

This is you in that moment when you were trying to have a meaning conversation with your other half “Hey babe..” — slicence “Babe” — silence. Just when you needed their undivided attention. You — rage mode!

If this is the first time you have heard of this term. Phubbing a term coined as part of a campaign in May 2012 by an Australian advertising agency which can simply be described as the activity of being impolite in a social situation whereby one periodically or continuously keeps on looking at one’s phone instead of paying attention to the person who may be trying to have a conversation with you.

Phubbing has become so common as more people have become more connected with access to various social media services online. Phubbing has caused more unintended confrontations or resentments, am sure at some point you too might have experienced this. This growing phenomenon has become so prevalent even within professional workspaces. Phubbing is not exclusive to face-to-face interactions but also spans into remote situations such as video conference calls in which case either one of the participants may have an additional mobile device that they are phubbing on while using another device to have a conversation.

With the popularization of social media platforms like Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat the use of smartphones and the number of people opting for online communication as become the norm while face to face interactions are diminishing, even if we care not to admit it.

I once took my wife out for a nice dinner with my daughter and couldn't help observe a couple sitting next to us while having dinner initially they were having a conversation at which point one of them pulled out their phone. This led to the other a couple of minutes later following suit. — We spent over two hours there and they seemed to be phubbing away barely if not at all having a conversation, — honestly, you do not need research or data to show you the obvious.

A study poignantly titled, “My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone,” Meredith David and James Roberts suggest that phubbing can lead to a decline in one of the most important relationships with our partner. Based on the study of 145 adults, phubbing decreased marital satisfaction, in part because it led to conflict over phone use. Naturally, When we’re on our phone you aren’t paying attention, you don't see your partner or peers' facial expressions your passively listening. You tend to miss important points or nuances that lead to frustration and resentment.

What can you do then?

Now that we understand how smartphones can impact us in negative ways what are the things we can do when we need to connect with our spouses or peers. You need to decide and take it upon yourself to respectfully call it out to that person you are intending to have a conversation with while giving them the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they are unaware that they may be being un-intentionally inconsiderate when using technology in moments where undivided attention is required. It does take some vulnerability to speak up and may seem you’re provoking the situation, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor to pursue to build better relationships.

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively or destructively. How we say things is very important. The tone that is used to convey the message — matters so much more like a good message with poor delivery can turn out bad such as the expression “Good intentions can sometimes have unintended consequences”. What we may perceive as good may turn out wrong.

If above is you and you genuinely feel that person you are trying to connect with is not giving you the undivided attention and respect you think you deserve and are seeking.

Below are a few expressions to keep in mind whenever you’re faced with the “You keep looking at your phone moment”. Take note the tone is key when you are communicating things out, whether it is to your partner or your peers. If the tone is not relayed correctly — it may appear as if you're been passive-aggressive — though that would not be your intention. least you forget people are sensitive creatures easily triggered by minor nuances if the message delivery is not done right.

Learning to deliver the message with empathy is an art in its self.

Getting Him or Her to Connect

Let’s dive a little into different expressions that can help you deal with the put down your phone for a moment scenario. Notice how some expressions below start with hey babe, darling this is to elicit a sense of calm. Your beginning open statement all depends on who you’re talking to or whether it’s a professional environment. If it’s in a relationship setting such as with your wife or husband you can call your partner whatever name you want to, pet names usually connote a decently serious or established relationship. Depending on how far off your within the relationship you can gauge.

“Hey [babe, dear, sweetheart, name of peer], I’m sure you’re good at multitasking, but I don’t feel heard right now. Can we talk when you’ve finished text messaging?” “Hey [babe, dear, sweetheart, name of peer], is now still a good time to talk? I see you’re doing something important on your phone, perhaps we can catch up later?” “Hey [babe, dear, sweetheart, name of peer] I see you’re busy right now. I want to connect on a deeper level with you, but if you need to finish off that (at this point he or she will be aware of what you’re hitting at), let’s catch up later.” “Hey [babe, dear, sweetheart, name of peer] are you busy now? If you need to continue with that right now, I’m ok (tone is key he or she may immediately understand the issue at hand, guilt trip, not the intention, but your express a need to connect), I’ll come back later when you’re done.” “Hey [babe, dear, darling, sweetheart [name] ] Could we both agree to put our phones away for [dinner, we time]?” “Sometimes I feel distracted when we are having a conversation while you are checking your phone. Let me know when you’re ready we can catch up later?”

The tone here sounds direct, but at times we need to tell it as it is. Going around in circles at times does not help as you as may end up circling right back where you started with the same issue. You have to realize smartphone addiction is a real thing now.

Before having a meeting with your peers and colleagues set the expectation no phones allowed unless its an absolute emergency:

“I love you guys [happy tone], but [serious tone] could we do a no-phones catchup session today, I need to disseminate some very important information”

Within an established relationship such as marriage, a gentle touch on the hands or a peck on the forehead or lips may bring one into focus followed by any of the above expressions that apply within a relationship setting.

Final thoughts

There is almost no limit to what one can do with a smartphone. They have become so intertwined with our very existence in more ways than we can begin to imagine. For some, they are a means to an end. Though the latter is true, we also need to strive and find a balance making time to connect and have meaning face-to-face interactions.

We need to recognize and let the ones we interact with know when they are guilty of phubbing. Next time you feel the temptation of reaching out to your phone over a meal with your loved one or with your peers consider stopping for a moment to appreciate what surrounds you and whether that person in front of your requires your undivided attention.

Relationships are already complex, adding phubbing to the mix just makes them even more convoluted. We have all experienced phubbing to some degree, the first step in order to make some positive changes and address phubbing is always awareness.