Never think it can't happen to you.

Mommyhood: When did that happen?

It has been quite some time since my last blog. I can honestly say it has taken me this long to find the time, the energy, the motivation to write. My baby has hit so many milestones in the past few months and quite frankly – HE WEARS ME OUT! I am so happy that I have found a few moments to myself to get back on here and finish my little love story. Yes. Love story. A love story isn’t always about two adults falling in love with one another and living happily ever after. Some times there are love stories in life that involve a mother and her child. For me, this is the one of greatest love stories I have ever known.

The Waiting Game

The morning of February 25, 2014 came so quickly. I was awaken at 5:30am and told to get ready for a big day. I was being induced at 6am. I slept GREAT the night before. Thank you Ambien. (To this day, that was the last night of full sleep I ever had.) I remember getting up and heading for the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. YIKES. I was definitely not one of those women who look amazing when they roll out of bed. I quickly put a few essentials on my face. There. Better. Not much better, but enough not to scare the nurses and doctor away. But my hair…ohhhh my hair. That perfect night of sleep definitely showed in the back of my head. No worries. I just threw it up in a cute little bun thingy on the top of my head and pulled down a few tendrils to make me look a little more soft and carefree. (I shouldn’t have even bothered. That hairdo didn’t last long once the contractions kicked in). Then, 6am came and the day began. I was induced and the baby train was pulling out of the station.

The nurses, etc came and went all morning – sticking me, poking me, violating me (that’s what it feels like when someone you don’t even know has half of their arm up your lady parts), taking my temperature, etc…etc…ETC. My parents arrived mid day along with Nick’s mom. We were all smiles and giggles. You’d think we were having one big party in my hospital room. Everyone was so excited. Nick kept saying all day long, “When will they bring me scrubs to put on?…I want to wear scrubs.” The nurses kept reminding him that he won’t need them. Poor guy was a little heartbroken. I kept giggling to myself about that. Other than my well being, Nick’s main concern was putting on those dang scrubs.

I remember when my contractions started. They were so mild and almost undetectable that I didn’t even realize I was having them. The nurse confirmed that I was in deed having contractions, and to expect them to get more and more frequent throughout the day. I told Nick, “Oh man! This will be a piece of cake!” – I’ve had gas pains worse than these ‘ol things. Then, a few hours passed. There I was clinging to the side of the bed – teeth clenched, sweat pouring, and trying my best not to scream. Those contractions are NO JOKE!!! I have never ever, EVER in my life felt pain so intense and horrific. And just like that, our hospital party was over. Everyone had to leave. I wanted them out! I remember hearing our family discuss how they were hungry and wanted to go get lunch. I was thinking, “Oh yes, please go satisfy your hunger while I chew on these scrumptious ice chips in between reliving moments of hell over and over while trying to bring life into this world!” By the end of the day I had a love/hate relationship with those ice chips. They’re all you get to have. YAY. Ice chips. They’re just so filling and tasty – NOT. But, then I’d get so hungry that I would down two cups of them at a time. I’d ring the nurse buzzer: “Yes, Ms. Norris? Are you ok?” Me: I’d like more of those ice chips, please. (I felt as if they were secretly rolling their eyes before entering my room after going for the 100th time to bring me ice.) What I would’ve given to just have one bite of real food!

I’m Only What?

Throughout the day the doctor would come and check on me some more to see how far I’ve dilated. She’d say, “You’re only such ’n such centimeters dilated. You can’t deliver until you’re at 10.” Frig!! Ok, ok…I can do this. This WILL happen…but when?!? The contractions were getting so unbearable that Nick would cry when he looked at me. It was absolutely terrible. Then, relief came. Finally. There it was…the epidural. Some women prefer to forgo any pain meds, but for me – I was not trying to be a super hero. HOOK IT UP DR!!! As I mentioned in a previous blog, I had a spinal injection before so I wasn’t really scared about having this long, huge needle shoved into my spine. The part that was so bad was having to find the momentum to sit up and wait out a contraction before it could be administered. Finally. There it was. Sweet relief was on its way. It didn’t take very long for it to kick in. After that it was smooth sailing.

Still, a few more hours passed, and I had only dilated 4cm. FOUR. I had been at this labor thing for 8 hours and nothing. My patience was running low. Before I knew it time had passed again. It was now 9pm. The doctor came to check once more. I was so tired from the long day and the epidural was beginning to wear off. I told her even if I was 10cm and ready to go, I was so exhausted that I couldn’t push if I had to. I bit the bullet and asked if I could have a cesarean. She asked me if I was sure. I said yes. YES. And just like that – a few papers were signed and the next thing she said was, “Get ready Ms. Norris. You’ll be a mother in about 30 mins.” HOLY CRAP! I didn’t know it’d be THAT fast!

Terror began to sink in. Wait. What did I just agree to? I don’t know if I’m up for being cut open! I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mom! I don’t know anything except that I’m scared out of my mind! All the while I’m laying there waiting to be wheeled into surgery, Nick finally had his moment when the nurse told him, “Sir, you will need to put these on.” Scrubs. The guy finally got his wish. You thought he was a little boy getting a puppy for the 1st time. He was so happy. I quickly looked at him & gave him a “HELLO – MORE IMPORTANT THINGS GOING ON HERE” face. You could see the moment he realized that indeed, we were about to be parents.

Cuts Like A Knife

Some people frown at the topic of being given a cesarean unless you really need one. Well, if so, sorry. I had one. And in the end, I’m glad I did – for me. I’m not saying everyone should have one, but it was the choice I made. There we were. Nick and my face on one side of a sheet and my lower half with a medical team on the other. I was so afraid I would feel the doctor cutting me wide open. I’m letting you know that you don’t. Not one tiny bit. I could however feel them pulling my body this way and that – which wasn’t so bad, but still kind of weird. The scariest part for me was when I kept hearing this long beep coming and going. It sounded just like when someone flat lines. I would constantly look up at Nick with tears streaming down my face saying, “Please don’t let me die.” I honestly thought I was dying. That was one of the scariest moments in my life. He would rub my head and say everything was fine. One thing no one tells you is you will shake, a lot. Almost to the point of convulsing. It’s from all the meds. That played a part in me thinking I was on the brink of death. Finally, I heard the doctor say, “Ohhh…he’s got a big ‘ol head.” What? Really? He must’ve gotten that from his daddy, I thought. Then the next thing I heard was, “Would you like to see your son?” What? It’s over? Yes! WHERE IS MY BABY??!! She held him up over the sheet and when my eyes locked onto him I cried – immediately. I cried tears that I didn’t know I had left. There he was. Our baby boy.

Welcome to The World

He was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. The nurses quickly weighed him and checked his vitals. Almost 9 pounds! Good lord! How did I grow something so huge! Must’ve been that big ‘ol noggin he got from his daddy. Nick got to hold him first. We took a few family pictures and we were on our way to recovery. This is when I finally held my son. Hello sweet little Lane. I’m your mommy.

We were given time to have skin to skin snuggles. That was the sweetest moment of my entire life. How could this amazing miracle be mine? How could I have spent all those months before dreading this moment? This is the happiest day of my life. Welcome to the world my sweet little man. I don’t remember much after that. Then, I woke up in our hospital room. My parents and Nick’s mom came in to meet Lane. The joy in that room was overflowing. You could easily see this baby would be loved for all the rest of his days. I wish I could explain it better for the readers who have never experienced becoming parents. It is an indescribable feeling. I honestly cannot put it into words. To hold a tiny someone in your arms that you created and brought into this world is such a miracle in itself. But, to know that I get to have him for the rest of my life made me the most grateful person on earth. That is a love that only a mother can understand.

I’m a Mom, Now What

Our stay at the hospital seemed like an eternity. If you do have a cesarean do not look to go home the next day. You need time to recuperate, etc. Caring for my baby was not the hard part throughout our stay, but having to endure all the poking and prodding was going to be the death of me. I couldn’t take it anymore. It got to a point that if I saw a nurse in my room I would sob. I just wanted to be left alone. From Tuesday morning to Friday night when we finally went home, I might have gotten a total of 10 hour of sleep. It was partially my fault. I wouldn’t sleep or let the nurses take him because I wanted to do everything. I wanted him with me at all times. I’m his mother. I should be doing it all. I did let them take him twice. But not for long. I wanted him back with me – in my arms where I knew it was safe. I’m glad I was that way, but looking back, I should’ve let them take him more. I needed rest. I was a walking zombie by the time we left. I’ve seen pictures of other moms after having their babies and they look beautiful. Not a hair out of place. No mascara running down their faces. Nothing. Me, though? I looked like a total disaster. The bags under my eyes were so heavy, my hair was a mess, my face was puffy from meds. Oh wait…yes. The meds. Let me go ahead and fill you ladies in on a little secret if you have a c-section. YOU WILL SWELL! No one told me this bit of information. I don’t mean a little, minor swelling. I mean the kind of swelling that can make you resemble Jabba The Hutt. I remember finally taking my 1st shower and yelling for Nick to get the nurse. She came into the bathroom where I was standing naked as a jay bird. I didn’t care. I needed someone to tell me what was going on with my body! I had never seen anything like it. I was so swollen from my torso down that I thought something was terribly wrong. She quickly explained that the fluids and meds they keep pumping into me is the cause of this and that it is completely normal. Ya’ll I almost had a heart attack! If she was lying I was going to come back and haunt her in her dreams.

While you’re recuperating you also have to get up and moving. That isn’t so easy after having your insides scrunched into your ribs for nine months and then having them placed on the outside of your body while a child is being removed. So, if you find yourself taking the same road I did, please go easy. One step at a time. You’ll be required to walk up and down the halls to get your body back to being normal. Just remember – one step at a time ladies.

Throughout the week I was quickly learning how to take care of this innocent child that was mine. Remember I knew nothing about babies. NOTHING. Nick actually showed me how to change his diaper for the first time. The nurse couldn’t believe it. I looked at her like, “Hey lady…no judging!” It was so sweet to see Nick taking it all in and stepping up to be a man I was proud to call Lane’s daddy.

Let’s Go Home

After five long days in the hospital we were finally given the news we had been waiting for – we could finally go home. When we got in the door I went to our nursery and fed Lane while Nick sat on the floor and played a sweet song for our son. He sang Elton John’s “Your Song.” From that moment on, that song was Lane’s. We played it over and over and still to this day when I hear it, I can’t help but remember that moment and cry.

Sleep. I NEEDED SLEEP. But, I refused. I wanted to be with my baby. Nick finally talked me into getting into bed and letting him watch Lane while I caught a few Zzzz’s. I didn’t realize just how tired I was. I think I was out the moment my head hit the pillow. But, not for long. That’s right. Feeding time. Diaper time. Cuddle time. Babies need their mommies for everything. I’m so glad that the person Lane needed was me. He is the reason for everything I do, for every breath that I take.

Love Isn’t Just a Four Letter Word

As I write this, it is 6am. I’ve been awake since 4am. I was awakened by hearing Lane on the monitor. It sounded as if he might need me. I layed there for half an hour listening to him. And then I heard the sound of “I need you Mommy.” I got up, made a bottle and stood outside the door of his nursery. Nothing. Silence. I went back into our room, checked the monitor. He was sleeping – hard. WHAT?? You were just awake two minutes ago! So, I went back to the nursery, quietly opened the door and just watched him sleep. After a few sweet minutes, I covered him with his little blanket and walked out.

I could’ve gone back to sleep, but I didn’t. I took this opportunity to go down memory lane with all of you. That precious baby in the other room is my whole world. I wouldn’t trade one single moment with him for anything life has to offer. He is mine and I am his. The love we have for each other is something I never knew was possible. My life has changed in every way imaginable. My life has been made better just by him being alive. My life is so blessed that I some times cry while rocking him to sleep because my heart is so full. If you are a mommy to be, please don’t be scared of the unknown. Because the unknown will quickly become the only thing you know. It will consume your heart. It will take you on a journey that you never knew you needed. It will bring you to your knees to give thanks for being a mother. I can’t help but tear up while writing these last few words. I can honestly say that since becoming Lane’s mother, I have never laughed harder and I have never cried harder.

Before I was a mom I would give my mommy friends a hard time, whether they knew it or not. I would think, “What is the big deal? – Why are you always late? – Why can’t you just get a sitter and come out?” I would like to apologize to all of you. I was an inconsiderate friend. It is a big deal. I understand why you’re late. And getting a sitter costs money and some times you would just rather be home with your child instead of being elsewhere. I AM SORRY. But, I can proudly say that I am now in the secret Mommy Club.

It is a club that only mothers know about. It has unspoken rules that we must abide by, but the main one is to love. LOVE HARD – to love your baby the only way a mother can. I look around and I see you. I see you struggling in the isles while your child throws a tantrum that would make most people cringe. I see you at the park watching your child on the swings while trying to get in a few moments of peace. I see you at the red light singing to your child a song that you’ve probably sang a million times over. I see you trying to have a nice meal with your other half while your child throws food all over the floor. And lastly, I see you quietly wipe their tears from their face, brush their hair out of their eyes, and hug them when they need it the most. Because that’s what we do. We’re their mothers and that’s the biggest honor of a lifetime. I am so thankful that I am now a part of this club. For any future members: I can’t wait to meet you and watch you find the secret to life just as I have.

I hope you all enjoyed reading my blogs about this little miracle of mine. I’ve been asked to continue writing about my everyday life with Lane. It is something that I am tossing back and forth. If you would like me to continue, please let me know. If not, I will leave this as my final post about my little Lane. Either way, I will still be happy just knowing Lane is waking up in his crib and needing ME. Hold on baby…mommy is coming!