I’m Sorry I’m 6’3” and God Wanted Me to See Concerts Better Than You

I’m not a sociopath. I’m aware that you can’t see through my tall, chiseled, fragrant body. And I feel bad about it. But life isn’t fair. Nothing I can do about it. Take it up with the big man upstairs.

See, God decided that no matter what, I should have an unobstructed eyeline to watch any band in any venue. The Lord dictated that I would see every band member, every amp setting, and every pedal if I so desire. Because that’s what he desires.

He also desires that you should stare at the back of my sweatsoaked shirt. Hey, at least you get to read up on Opeth’s tour dates from 2015. He truly has a plan for us all!

God made the natural world like this too. Some wolves are faster than others so they get more meat. Some bears are taller than others so they get a better view of Against Me! at the Regent Theater in downtown Los Angeles. That’s me. I’m that bear. And what a great fuckin’ show. Wish you could have seen it.

However, with divine privilege comes divine responsibility. Because of my advantage, I promise to post as much content to my Instagram stories as possible. I do this because I care about the meek and the tiny. I basically post the whole show except for when I’m holding a beer. And may God help you if you bump into that beer-holding arm with your stubby little head down there. My wrath knows no bounds and my reach is quite long.

If it were up to me, I would make everyone the same height so that no one could see the show except for the front row. That would be fair. But that wasn’t in His vision. He made us a random smattering of limbs and organs combined into wet, fleshy bodies. Some of which simply don’t get a good view of Chris Conley during the “Through Being Cool” anniversary tour. But if you peek under my elbow every 5 seconds when I sway at just the right angle, you might be able to see the bassist. Silver linings!

So yes, I recognize my privilege. But until Elon Musk invents shoes that make you shorter somehow, I get to enjoy concerts more than you. Or until some 6’5″ fucker stands directly in front of me. God, don’t you just hate those guys?