WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of their respective ballot measures before casting their votes, citizens in five states are set to decide tomorrow whether to legalize recreational marijuana or continue honoring God, sources confirmed Monday. “Constituents in California, Maine, Massachusetts, Arizona, and Nevada will have the choice tomorrow between advancing their pursuit of a godly life by adhering to Christ’s teachings and experiencing the glory of the Heavenly Father’s word, or allowing themselves and their neighbors to lawfully smoke marijuana,” said political analyst Kevin Phillips, who explained that while the advantages of passing these measures, such as bolstering the local economy and reducing prison overcrowding, could be substantial, they must be closely compared to the benefits of living in the light of the Divine Creator’s everlasting love. “After years of grassroots movements, voters will finally make this momentous choice for themselves: They can either permit adults over the age of 21 to use cannabis without legal consequence, or they can continue living in accordance with He who has made us in His own image and receiving God’s grace forever and ever.” At press time, the latest polls showed that the legalization of recreational marijuana and acceptance of an eternity of hellfire for forsaking the Almighty could potentially pass in all five states.

Advertisement