So hear me out LOL. I love Bleach. It’s in my top 10 favorite manga/anime of all time, I think it has earned its prestigious title in the original “Big 3” in all capacities. Reading this story is a wild ride from start to finish, and it’s hardly my intention to dissect Kubo’s stories to find all its flaws. But I haven’t found a single person who’s upset about this, so THIS IS NOW, this is my duty to the world to bring this to people’s attention.

This is Sternritter M, “The Miracle”, Gerard Valkyrie. He is considered part of Ywach’s (the final villain) ‘elite soldiers’. Big deal, much strong, at least from first impression. I mean he bodies one of the Squad Zero gals pretty handily in the chapter he’s introduced.

Would you like to see Gerard Valkyrie in chapter 601, a mere 2 chapters after he was introduced

It was all a farce by Kubooooo. The Squad Zero guys are tougher than Ywach’s Sternritters apparently, in fact so strong that Gerard is ONE-SHOTTED by this meth-addict Josuke lookin’ self wobbly-ass sword wieldin’ Oh-Etsu Nimaiya (one of my favorite characters lmao no hate). Don’t get me wrong- it was cool, and it was a great way to convey Squad Zero’s strength. But you know what it did?

It made me stop caring about Gerard. And everyone else in the Sternritters for that matter (except Askin who put up a great fight, and is my current favorite Bleach character). These guys can die in. One. Shot. WHO CARES about these guys anymore, THIS IS NOW. Bring on the characters that won’t die in one hit.

Gerard dies. Like, he actually is killed. And I’m like “okay, that’s fine. He was just some Thor ripoff, working for an enemy group who are supposed to be ARCHERS, and he uses a SWORD AND SHIELD. I don’t care about this guy anymore.” But no. Kubo’s like, ‘eyyyy yo, you remember those guys that died a couple of chapters ago? Check THIS out:’

O-oh. Apparently Ywach can take the lives of other, more irrelevant Sternritters and give it to killed Sternritters he deems necessary for the mission at hand. That’s kind of neat, but WHAT. Not only that, but the revived Sternritters are significantly stronger than they were before. Squad Zero are the ones that get ONE SHOTTED this time. WOOooOoOoOOooOoOAAHhahahA

But enough about the Sternritters and Gerard, Kubo says. THERE’S NO TIME. So we don’t see them do much for quite a while. Some plotty stuff happens and we see our hero of this adventure (Gerard) here and there. Not doing much. Just making me question why he’s still alive is all.

But aha! The final battle is starting! At last, we’ll finally start to see why these Sternritters were deemed ‘necessary’ (not only by Ywach, but Kubo as well LOL)

First, we have C, “The Compulsory” Pernida Parnkgjas:

This thing is really unique and interesting, as far as Bleach monsters go. Pernida is the Left Arm of the Soul King, ripped from the god himself and transformed into a Sternritter. His power is cool, he’s really grotesque and monstrous, and he fights some fan favorites like Kenpachi and Mayuri. I approve.

Next we have X, “The X Axis” Lille Barro:

Wh- it’s kinda weird but it was still a pretty good fight all around. Kyoryaku’s Bankai was really awesome, even though it didn’t do anything. It’s like- it could have been better, but I can’t really complain because I KNOW how dumb Bleach fights can get. I approve as well.

Next is MY BOY, D, “Death Dealing” Askin Nak Le Vaar:

YOOOoOooOOooooooooooooooOOOoo the best fight in Bleach in my opinion. Some amazing character in some amazing situations are showcased in this battle- Grimmjow, Yoruichi, even URAHARA AND HIS BANKAI WHICH WAS THE COOLEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. All the while, Askin was really charismatic and jovial, making for an awesome villain. Beyond approval.

B-but. I feel as though we’re missing someone here…

Allow me to introduce you to Gerard Valkyrie, whose special ability is the power to- actually, let me go through the entire experience.

So Gerard jumps down from the palace like “Oh Gee whiz, I sure hope there are some rough and tumble shinigami to fight down here! I sure am raring for a good ole kerfuffle!” And he comes across like five Captains and Vice Captains and it’s looking grim for our lovable hero.

After getting literally gangbanged by the Shinigami force, Gerard’s big dumb face meets the concrete like “D-did I do a thing? Did everyone get to see my big muskles?” and my man Byakuya rolls up on him like “ey what’s poppin, it’s YERBOI. Any last words my brotha from anotha motha?” and Gerard is like “blah blah blah Miracles, am I right??” To which Byakuya replies, “Bruh it’s gonna take a miracle for your friends to identify the corpse my G, BRRAP BRRAP!”

Gerard’s beheaded corpse is literally mutilated to a indiscernible pile of flesh by the REAL hero, Byakuya. To which Byakuya in canon says something to the effect of “alright, I made it so there is literally NO way he is still alive”. But WaaAAAiIiIIiTTt, Kubo’s not done with you yet, Gerard!

Gerard’s ability is to get BIG after somebody hurts/kills him. He cannot die, he is immortal; and every time somebody TRIES to kill him, he gets BIG. You have to realize. Gerard is an unstoppable character, there is literally nothing that can kill him in the world of Bleach; he is beyond immortal. And he is BIG AND DUMB.

The Miracle is that he’s a big walking pile of plot armor crafted by Kubo himself.

You also have to realize. Listen, listen. You don’t even KNOW how many people this guy fights over the course of a billion and a half chapters. Let me list out all the people Gerard fights (and beats):

Vice Captain Hinamori (squished by rubble still)

Captain Shinji (squished by rubble still)

Vice Captain Rukia (dips like a flake)

Vice Captain Renji (dips like a flake)

Captain Byakuya (BUH-)

Vizard Hiyori (wombo combo’d)

Vizard Lisa (wombo combo’d to the max)

Vizard Love (trombo combo’d)

Vizard Hachigen (no DI)

Captain Hitsugaya (GUH-)

Vice Captain Yachiru (literally vanished from existence)

Captain Kenpachi (is now a meatball)

Like, WHAT. Not even Aizen could take on all these goons in his prime. This is the dumbest thing ever, he’s WAY stronger than Askin, Lille and Pernida. How did this happennnnnnn

What’s the worst about it is that the same thing happens every time. For like fifty chapters. Byakuya hit ‘im with that yopper and he just gets big. And then Byakuya and Kenpachi cut him up like:

But then Gerard is all like:

PPPPBBBBBBBTTTTTT

So the good guys are like, “lol OKAY. So I guess we need to get all big and stronk now”. And, the fan favorite, the one, the only, KENPACHI, uses his newfound BANKAI on Gerard. This is the hypest thing ever. This would be like Rock Lee jumping up to fight Madara, declaring “I could use Ninjutsu all alonggggggggggg” and he’s STUPID POWERFUL, TOO OP PLEASE NERF. Look at this mean-muggin’ fool slice up the Miracle:

But Gerard is just like:

PPPPPPPPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

But no. You don’t understand. This is NOW. Despite the strongest Bleach character being rendered helpless against Gerard, Hitsugaya stands atop a building, announcing, “this is the place that AYE wanna be.” and undergoes puberty in like two seconds. A new, hype form we have yet to see from yet another fan favorite. And then he proceeds to wombo combo Gerard alongside Byakuya:

But NO. Gerard is all like:

THESE MIRACLES. CAN YOU SEE THEM? LOOK HOW MANY MIRACLES THERE ARE.

Gerard is the epitome of what’s wrong with Bleach. People not dying when they’re supposed to be. Overpowered abilities that aren’t interesting or unique in the least. Fights that drag on way longer than they need to be. BIG characters like half the Arrancars and Yammy that overstay their welcome. Literal road block characters that serve only as a distraction from the fight with the final villain.

But I didn’t give up. In Kubo we trust, I thought. All I could tell myself was:

“A lot of hype things didn’t kill this son of a bitch, there has to be something even MORE HYPE on the way that I can’t wait to see- Gerard HAS to lose in a cool way or all of this was for nothing.”

So my non assuming weeaboo self wakes up this morning checking my eighty million PMs before realizing “oh shoot. It’s thursday. It’s manga day!” So I read through all of my favorite manga series and their newest editions from Shonen Jump. One Piece was great today. HxH, despite being on hiatus again, was great today. I don’t like Boruto but I bet it’s pretty okay. I check up on Bleach. And oh boy.

So our walking German Waluigi friend Ywach is fighting our useless protagonist Ichigo still and I’ve been looking forward to HOW Kubo justifies the shitshow that was Ichigo’s Bankai being cut IN HALF, IN ONE PANEL. And I guess I’ll still have to wait for my answer because some other stuff is happening. This IS now, after all.

This fielda. Ywach. Just hopped off reading his DBZ manga, and realizes EXACTLY who he looks like. He runs back to Ichigo’s useless corpse and pronounces “your energy is MINE!” and just Dr. Geros Ichigo’s reiatsu. Worthless Kurosaki gets all his quincy AND hollow powers sucked right out of him while he feels sad about it.

But Ywach isn’t done. He’s never done.

He shouts, “NO Ichigo, not just YOUR energy is mine now. ALL ENERGY IS MINE NOWWWW.”

AND-

AND HE JUST-

WH-

HE JUST KILLS GERARD WITH HIS ENERGY SAPPING POWERS. NO, HE DOESN’T KILL HITSUGAYA OR BYAKUYA BY SAPPING THEIR ENERGY WHO ARE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO GERARD. HE SEES GERARD, HIS COMRADE, GOES “THAT’S MINEEEEEE” AND STEALS ALL OF HIS ENERGY, INSTANTLY KILLING HIM. GERARD STOOD NO CHANCE AND SAID NOTHING AS HE DIED AFTER FIGHTING FOR A BAJILLION CHAPTERS AGAINST A BAJILLION CHARACTERS. WHAT THE HELL KUBO I LOVE YOU AND YOU GIVE ME THIS IN RETURN. THERE WAS NO HYPE OR REASON BEHIND ANYTHING I JUST WITNESSED. ALL I COULD DO WAS WRITE A BLOG SO PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF HAVING THIS STRIPPED AWAY FROM ME. THE MOMENT I SAW GERARD BECOME A GIANT, I THOUGHT ‘WELL AT LEAST THIS ISN’T YAMMY’. NO. THIS IS WORSE THAN YAMMY. YOU TOOK A MAIN VILLAIN I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT, AND MADE ME CARE ABOUT HIM EVEN LESS SOMEHOW. NOT EVEN AIZEN CAN SAVE THIS BROKEN SERIES, MY HOPES AND DREAMS ARE SAPPED AWAY FROM ME LIKE GERARD’S MIRACLES IN THIS CHAPTER. I HATED GERARD’S GUTS MORE THAN ANY CHARACTER IN ANY MANGA OR ANIME AND I AM THIS UPSET AT HIS DEATH.

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Phew, okay. Anyway. In conclusion, I watched this character walk around in his Thor cosplay and plot armor for eighty chapters. And Ywach is like “hey, that plot armor’s pretty neat. How about I just uh-” and kills him, making this all for nothing. And look. It’s not confirmed or anything that Gerard is dead. But ask yourself this-

If Gerard is still alive after all of that, will that fact make me any less upset?

Worst character of all time in a pretty good series.

PBBBT BYE