I know I’ve built a following for my riveting dives into the careers of lesser-covered players in the National Basketball Association, so some of my readers might be turned off by the following article. Regardless, as a dedicated aspiring author I wouldn’t want to pigeonhole myself into one niche brand of content. Therefore today we’ll be doing something different. Strap in, because we’re going to be doing an evaluation of the Green Tea beverage from the company known as Peace Tea. This is not a paid advertisement. I do not claim to be a tea aficionado. I’ll try to keep this short. All opinions are my own.

Aesthetic

Let’s begin with the obvious. There is something about drinking from tall cans that makes one feel powerful. Perhaps it’s the increased volume of liquid that instills the sense of superiority within. Maybe the increased surface area of the can lends itself to being held with the kind of grip that would be sure to impress any interviewer. Regardless, when I first held the can of Green Tea, I immediately felt the inebriation of power that I can only assume overtook Roman Emperor Nero towards the end of the Julio-Claudian dynasty. If historians were to come out today and reveal they had found empty cans of Peace Tea in a recently unearthed Roman site, there would be nary a look of shock on my face. What other factors could possess a man to commit the kind of political murders, persecutions and various debaucheries accredited to his short but dominant reign? That’s right. None. And unlike these aforementioned atrocities — which I’m sure left a bad taste in Nero’s mouth — the taste of this Green Tea will not make you commit suicide 14 years into your rule over the largest empire the world had seen. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As a final note, this can is also my favorite color. 9/10.

Taste

There are times in life where you experience something so life changing… so unlike anything you’ve experienced before… that you are left at an utter loss for words. This fortunately isn’t one of them lest this article come to a premature end. Peace Tea’s Green Tea tastes good. Peace Tea’s Green Tea tastes like you were living in an area currently experiencing a nasty heat wave in the middle of June, but when you step outside to grab the mail, it’s a comfortable 56 degrees. “Maybe I’m ready for winter to come a little earlier,” you think to yourself, as the respite of cloud cover sweeps you into a pleasant mood. Woefully, as you step outside the next day it’s back up into the upper 80’s. “It was nice for a day,” you think to yourself, “and fall can’t be too far away now…” Your optimism is proved wrong, as the planet is dying and summer ends up lasting well into September. I digress.

With Green Tea, that initial feeling of relief can be recaptured in every sip. It’s smooth. It’s not flashy. It won’t have you writing home. But there is something innately soothing about the flavor that lures you into taking that next drink, and that’s what I like about it.

Green Tea makes you feel like you were house sitting for the WASP-y childless couple across the street and you bumped the cabinet in which they keep the custom wine glasses they bring to restaurants, rejecting the perfectly good glassware the restaurant provides (pretentious, I know). The split second of worry sneaks up on you but before you can even make a conscious decision to react, your arm has shot out and steadied the wobbling piece of furniture. Relief washes over you. A smile creeps its way across your face. Satisfied, you lock up and walk home, fully aware the cost that would have been incurred to you if your adrenaline had been released any later.

You open your fridge and crack open a Green Tea, taking a sip. The chill sneaks up on you as the frigid liquid glides across your sensitive teeth. But before you can register discomfort, the cold turns to pleasure. You feel steadied. Relaxed. The sentiment feels vaguely familiar, but you don’t try too hard to remember where from. You’re too engrossed in the polished flavor of this Green Tea. 7/10.

And therein lies a segue to perhaps the most reassuring piece of analysis I can provide. This incredibly polished ‘flavor’ is the baseline for this product — the company offers a whole variety of 4 other actual flavors to experience. I can gladly report that in my first experience with Peace Tea, the Green Tea establishes a reliable and respectable precedent. I’m looking forward to trying the next flavor tomorrow, review pending. As always thank you for devoting the time to read this rambling train of thought, I’ll see you next time.