INDIANAPOLIS—Lamenting that the company did not even have anything to do with sports or his city, Pacers fan Kevin Schulder admitted Wednesday that he wished his team was sponsored by a cooler corporation. “It’d be sick if they had Monster or Nike as a sponsor, but it’s fucking Bankers Life Fieldhouse—I’ve never even heard of Bankers Life before I came to a game,” said Schulder, expressing frustration that their division-rival Milwaukee Bucks fans got a way more badass sponsor in Harley Davidson. “I’d even settle for something like Geico, which at least has funny commercials. I’ve never seen a Bankers Life ad in my life. I don’t even what they are. A bank? Insurance? Maybe if we got a cool company like Volvo or Del Monte people would finally take us seriously as a contender.” At press time, Schulder was telling friends the team sponsorship should be taken over by a true Indianapolis company like Angie’s List.

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