Everything about this story, involving a 42-year-old middle school teacher giving a student a birthday lap dance during class, is ridiculous, so let’s rank the MOST ridiculous sentences.

6. “He said he sat at his desk, and after the tardy bell rang, she placed a chair in front of the room. Music started playing and the entire class of middle school students began yelling and telling him to sit down.”

(We don’t know what the music was, but I have to assume “Hot for Teacher.” Or maybe “Jail Bait.”)

5. “She…lost her balance a few times as she circled his chair, which made the students laugh.”

(HAHAHAHAHAHA. Like that?)

4. “At the end of the dance, Ms. Smith wrapped her arms around the student and he gave her bottom another squeeze. She hugged him and said ‘I love you, baby. Happy birthday,’ according to documents.”

(You don’t want to know what he did for “extra credit.”)

3. “The student said he sat down and Ms. Smith gave him a full contact lap dance, rotating her buttocks against him and rubbing her hands all over his body. Ms. Smith also got on her knees in front of him and placed her head between his legs. The student…slapped Ms. Smith on the buttocks a few times.”

(In for a penny, in for a pound, “here’s a dollar for your time.”)

2. “A middle school teacher has sashayed her way into a lot of trouble after she allegedly gave one of her students a birthday lap dance in front of the entire class.”

(Bonus points for use of the word “sashayed.”)

1. “Investigators reviewed video of the lap dance performance and it actually lasted 3.54 minutes.”

(That’s an uncomfortably long amount of time. But it’s still a minute shorter than “Hot for Teacher.”)

Via KHOU