Because NOTHING beats an all-rounder!

Dear AB

I thoroughly enjoyed watching your momentous knock at Wanderers the other day as well as your Lays advert. The music video for your song Maak Jou Drome Waar is also just one of those things that brings joy into my life. Despite the fact that the second best batsman in the world is only half as good as you are, there is an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.

We are desperate for an all-rounder and your unwillingness to fill that role is outright disheartening. You know as well as we do, that we really miss Jacques and as long as we’re on the subject, we miss Big Brian McMillan too. All-rounders are just great. The best ones excel at both bowling and batting and sometimes even fielding with reckless nonchalance. All-rounders are lovable heroes that make you laugh and shout playfully at the television when they are in action. All-rounders are generally happy and fulfilled individuals and have great nicknames like Beefy and Freddy and Zulu. When an all-rounder is in full flight it makes us all agree that the world is a really great place. Does the name Sir Garfield Sobers mean anything to you? How about Kapil Dev? No, I didn’t think so.

AB, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you want to consider being remembered as more than just a great batsman, you would be an all-rounder.

I bet your answer to this is that you are an all-rounder because you can keep wicket. Yes, your moonlighting as wicket-keeper is impressive. I, for one, was extremely happy to see you put on those gloves and jump around like an overenthusiastic teenager behind the wicket. But now that we have the perpetually-concerned Quinton de Kock in our team, we really don’t need an extra wicket-keeper. We need an extra bowler. Have you ever tried setting the field with two wicket-keepers? The idea is just ridiculous.

We love you for all that you have done and will continue to do, but if you knew what we really needed, you would become a better bowler. It really can’t be that difficult. I know for a fact that there are less talented people than you bowling at international level. I have even seen bowlers that breathe through their mouths!

You could bowl really fast if you wanted. You could bowl fast medium or medium pace. You could also bowl spin. The opportunities are endless — or at least as long as the above-mentioned list. Who am I to be prescriptive? We are desperate for an extra bowler and no one is going to be fussy over the kind of bowler you want to be.

Your wicket-keeping and your music videos are just two examples of the bouquet of talents that you have to offer the team. However, if you were really as talented as people say you are — you would be able to bowl.

You may be asking, “Why me? Why aren’t you having a go at Hashim? He can’t bowl either!” I’ve got a few questions for you:

- Did Hashim play flyhalf at Craven Week for the Blue Bulls?

- Was Hashim the South African u18 badminton champion?

- Is Hashim a scratch-handicap golfer?

- Can Hashim run almost as fast as Usain Bolt?

- Can he sing better than Heinz Winckler?

- Did he discover Mrs Ples in the Sterkfontein caves?

No, I didn’t think so. But you and I both know that you did all of those things.

The facts are indisputable AB, we need an all-rounder, and you can do everything except bowl which makes me think that there might just be too much Faf-ing around in the nets.

I’m not making a big deal about this because we all think that you are the best and probably have your reasons. Or maybe you just haven’t applied your mind to this conundrum quite as much as I have.

Good luck AB and please bring home the Cup!

Always

Nic Rosslee

Photo by Marcus Wallis on Unsplash