By Myles Tanzer

Bacon is the miracle food that God created to bless the palettes of mankind. Anyone who doesn’t eat bacon is missing out on the best food of all time. Today on Dorm Appétit, we’re bringing you one of the best bacon-filled recipes of all time. It also has Brussels sprouts in it, but don’t be scared by your childhood fears. This recipe will have you thirsting for the little green nubs day in and day out.

(Pictures of each step are at the end of the post — click to enlarge)

Step 1: Wash your hands first, you pig (if a recipe doesn’t start this way the chef is disgusting). Trim the Brussels sprouts removing the outer dark bitter leaves. Then cut them in half so they look nice when they’re arranged on your cutting board (and so they’re easier to shred too!)

Step 2: Shred the Brussels sprouts in a food processor (about two pulses) so that there aren’t any large chunks. This shape is more conducive to soaking up the flavors (grease) of the bacon. Run your hands through the shredded sprouts and reminisce about blades of grass during springtime. Cut your bacon into smaller pieces so you can make more at once.

Step 3: Make a lot of bacon — the whole package while you’re at it. Think of how much better your room smells than the bro’s room down the hall. Snicker. Cackle. Get back to cooking. Take out the bacon with a slotted spoon when crispy and drain on paper towels. Make sure you leave as much liquid in the pan as possible.

Step 4: Dump your sprouts into the bacon grease and stir them around. Try and get as many sprout-shreds covered by grease as possible.

Step 5: Now for the Paula Dean step. Put three cut-up tablespoons of butter into the sprouts and watch it melt. Salivate.

(Salt and pepper y’all — no fancy spices here. Keep stirring.)

Step 6: Cook for 10 to 15 minutes (until the Brussels sprouts are tender). Then add your now crumpled bacon back into the soft sprouts. The bacon adds the perfect textured crunch that you need.

Step 7: Stir on high heat and then serve.

Share your creation with your friends and watch them cry tears of joy. Be proud of your dish and say you made up the recipe yourself — we promise not to tell.

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