Donald Trump’s personal attorney Marc Kasowitz is in a curious position.

Hiring a New York civil litigator for the highest of high-profile government investigations would seem, to most people, completely insane. Equally insane would be sending a lawyer out to deliver a ridiculous, wooden statement at the National Press Club that only puts a further spotlight on their client’s troubles.

Not that Kasowitz seems all that concerned about his predicament:

I'm told Kasowitz seen at Trump hotel last night celebrating, buying cigars, saying: “We won… it’s clear Trump didn’t do anything wrong." — Jim Acosta (@Acosta) June 8, 2017

It’s hard to imagine partying knowing that James Comey, a man that even his political adversaries effusively credit as assiduously upright, was hours away from publicly dropping a dime on your client, but somehow Kasowitz found a way.

And now Kasowitz’s press conference has concluded. He took no questions and didn’t deviate much from the written statement released to the media before he began. That written statement was hilariously riddled with typos so maybe it’s good Kasowitz took a few liberties here and there. Seriously, during today’s hearings, Senator Risch said Comey deserved an A in legal writing. Kasowitz’s statement… did not.

Contrary to numerous false press accounts leading up to today’s hearing, Mr. Comey has now finally confirmed publicly what he repeatedly told the President privately: The President was not under investigation as part of any probe into Russian interference.

Many have noted that Trump is a nightmarishly hands-on client and that comes through in this statement. While everyone is talking about possible obstruction, Trump — through his sock puppet — wants everyone to know he wasn’t involved in Russian interference. He really wants you to know he doesn’t know any Russian hookers but that didn’t make it into this draft. Again, the idea that Trump was a Russian agent wasn’t really the discussion on the table, but thanks for letting us know.

He also admitted that there is no evidence that a single vote changed as a result of any Russian interference.

Again, in an investigation into obstruction, Trump feels it’s much more important to point out that he really did beat Hillary Clinton. Even if he got millions fewer votes. Is it possible Trump doesn’t understand the gravity of what’s happening here? Could he think this is really just about people saying he didn’t really win the election? Because if so, someone should explain to him the real issues here.

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Unsurprisingly Kasowitz is in tune with the GOP Senator talking points that Trump couldn’t have pressured Comey to end the investigation if he never used the words, “I want you to end this investigation.” One shudders to think how these people would handle a mafia wiretap. Gosh “send our friend from the union on a little trip.” What can that possibly mean?!?

And when I said the statement was riddled with typos, you may think I’m blowing stuff like the missing period in “Mr.” out of proportion. Trust me that we have not yet begun to hit the typos in this bad boy.

This is the first LINE of the statement:

There are no words. OK, there’s one word. That word is “President.”

That’s… the opposite of Comey’s testimony. Did Kasowitz wake up in time to watch the hearing? Comey went on at length about the loyalty stuff and multiple senators tackled the subject directly.

Also, no one respects the “even if” argument more than me, but saying Trump never asked for loyalty “in form or substance” and then immediately chasing it with “the President is entitled to expect loyalty” just sounds silly. He cares so much about being entitled to loyalty he never even intimates it? This is clearly Trump talking here. At least one hopes this is Trump’s construction.

Then comes the longest paragraph of the Kasowitz statement, railing against Comey for leaking his memos to the press. This was Senator Blunt’s hobby horse today too, and one of the few on point criticisms of Comey. Comey took the stance that his personal, unclassified memos were fair game to divulge. One could argue that any memos created by the Director of the FBI about his official communications are FBI property and not his to release — especially after he was fired. Still, it’s a weak retort, amounting to coming down on the tattler rather than the misbehaving child. Even if it was improper, it doesn’t change the underlying behavior. But blaming the messenger seems to be the best argument in the quiver.

Wow. Let it soak in that this is work product from a major firm representing the President of the United States.

After reading that I have a new theory — maybe John McCain was just trying to read a Kasowitz memo verbatim.

Here’s the full conference. Check out the full written statement on the next page…

Joe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.