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A recent study conducted by the Licensing Inquiries and Testing For Australian Management (LitFam) ombudsman shows that 85% of craft beer in Australia is actually just a high-sugar passionfruit flavoured soft drink in disguise.

80% were found to be actually just Kirk’s Pasito, while a further 5% was found to be rival passionfruit flavoured soft drink, Passiona.

Lead researcher, Professor Lote Sailor says that while many craft beer enthusiasts like to bounce around buzz words like ‘pacific, tropical and summer” – what they are really saying is “this beer tastes like carbonated purple”

“It almost seems like they’ve added more sugar to it. More than what currently makes up the soft drink” said the professor.

“Hence why it really hurts to drink more than one”

Prominent craft brewer, Banjo Clementè, who is well known for his tropical pacific summer ale ‘The Blind Spinster’s Limp Dick IPA’ detests these accusations.

“Umm… Okay. Stick to your bogan bitters. Craft beers are actually sessionable”

Clementè refused to explain why his fingertips appeared battered, and whether it had anything to do with opening copious amounts of purple pinstriped cans of soft drink.

“No. This beer is made from wild Coomera passionfruits and Norfolk Island tangerines”

“My fingers are battered from rolling kava-infused bush tobacco”

MORE TO COME.

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