This time Thursday, Ed Miliband was on top of the world. Now, though, his entire future has come crashing down around him. Miliband’s self-destruction has been so spectacular and all-encompassing that he should bite the bullet and retire from the election. He’s become an embarrassment to himself and a liability to his party. In fact, worse than that, the man has become a danger to this entire country.

His crime? Having genitals. Genitals that, and I’m sorry to break this to you in such an indelicate manner, may have actually been used once. It’s despicable. The man should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

The demonisation of Ed Miliband is reason enough to vote out the Tories | Owen Jones Read more

Now, you may think this is a gross overreaction on my part. But it isn’t. The front page of today’s Daily Mail has revealed that, in the past, Miliband may have had sex for something other than grim-faced duty-bound procreation. And if the Daily Mail thinks this is the most important news of the day – well, the joint most important news of the day, alongside a story about a woman going on a lovely holiday – then I simply have to agree.

Neil Henderson (@hendopolis) DAILY MAIL: Cataract Ops: jump NHS queue by paying #tomorrowspaperstoday #BBCPapers pic.twitter.com/n7vlayTaoS

In all good conscience, I cannot vote for a man who has ever been capable of maintaining an erection. Even if he got it as an accident. Even if he got it on a bumpy bus ride as a teenager. This great country of ours was built on a foundation of hard work and honesty. It was not, as Labour would have you believe, built on a foundation of decade-old Miliband willies.

The thrust of the Mail’s story – and I’ll do my best to spare you the grottiest details – is that Miliband had a girlfriend before he met his wife. Disgusting, isn’t it? Ed Balls had a girlfriend too, but this isn’t about him. It’s about Ed Miliband. The man who knifed his own brother in the back. In fact, this is probably how he learned to knife his brother in the back, by knifing a woman in the front. With his penis. About 15 years ago. Before he met his wife. Whom he loves. Why we haven’t already run this miserable excuse for a man out of the country is beyond me.

Tory press ignores, or underplays, polls putting Labour ahead Read more

To be clear, this isn’t meant as a personal attack on Miliband. Like all normal humans, I get icked-out by the thought of any politician having sex. I can pinpoint the exact moment I lost support for John Major, for example – it was the moment when, every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was his engorged penis repeatedly penetrating Edwina Currie’s moistened labia. To this day, that’s still all I see. That’s all I ever see, over and over again on a disgusting loop that cannot ever end. The image has lost all meaning now. It’s just meat slamming against meat. This, I suspect, is why I can now only become aroused by watching 1970s educational documentaries about the production of tinned dog food.

Anyway, this news about Miliband is much worse than that. If the Mail’s story is to be believed, Miliband cared deeply for all the women he’s ever been involved with. This simply will not do. We cannot allow ourselves to vote in a prime minister who possesses the capacity for love. What if we find ourselves on the brink of all-out nuclear catastrophe and, when the time comes to nuke the Russians into outer space, our leader is off carving his wife’s initials into a tree or cooing over a YouTube video of some baby ducks?

No. Ed Miliband has killed his own political future. He strangled it to death with his willy. The man is a menace, and I urge you all to remember this on 7 May.