Something a little different this week, as we uncover what the Cardinals would have learned had they hacked not just the Astros but every team in baseball:

The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):

St. Louis More

1. St. Louis Cardinals (47-24; Previous: 1) – Well, this is awkward – turns out Bill DeWitt's signature on bottom of paychecks has little hearts over the i's.





Kansas City More

2. Kansas City Royals (41-28; Previous: 2) – Ned Yost's high score on Threes! is three.







Houston More

3. Houston Astros (42-32; Previous: 7) – All references to Cardinals are required to be whispered.







Pittsburgh More

4. Pittsburgh Pirates (40-31; Previous: 8) – Josh Harrison was built from the spare parts of six different utility players.







Los Angeles More

5. Los Angeles Dodgers (40-33; Previous: 3) – The computer system at Dodger Stadium stores information in Andrew Friedman's head.







Tampa Bay More

6. Tampa Bay Rays (41-33; Previous: 9) – For months before leaving for Chicago, Joe Maddon had been receiving drills and hacksaws from team tailor.







Chicago More

7. Chicago Cubs (39-31; Previous: 10) – Every few weeks Theo Epstein reboots the operating system on Jed Hoyer.







Washington More

8. Washington Nationals (39-33; Previous: 12) – Given proximity to NSA, all on-the-clock employees required to wear tin foil stirrups.







San Francisco More

9. San Francisco Giants (39-34; Previous: 4) – Hunter Pence types with one finger.







Toronto More

10. Toronto Blue Jays (39-35; Previous: 13) – Front office staff advised to use complex passwords. Most choose "Anthopoulos."











Baltimore More

11. Baltimore Orioles (37-34; Previous: 18) – The computer system would be fine if Duquette would stop kicking loose the cable under his desk.





Texas More

12. Texas Rangers (37-35; Previous: 11) – Jon Daniels is secretly working on a knuckleball he's pretty sure will solve the Rangers' eighth-inning issues.







New York More

13. New York Yankees (39-33; Previous: 5) – All of A-Rod's apology emails went straight to Randy Levine's spam box.







Minnesota More

14. Minnesota Twins (39-33; Previous: 6) – Paul Molitor is actually a hologram.







Detroit More

15. Detroit Tigers (37-35; Previous: 14) – Unnerved by cyber espionage scare, Dave Dombrowski asks that everyone from now on call him "Jimmy."







Arizona More

16. Arizona Diamondbacks (35-36; Previous: 24) – When Dave Stewart needs his expense reports processed, stands 60 feet, 6 inches from accountant and glares.







Los Angeles More

17. Los Angeles Angels (37-36; Previous: 16) – Arte Moreno has spent thousands trying to remove the "HAMILTON" tattoo from his lower back.







San Diego More

18. San Diego Padres (35-39; Previous: 17) – Preller explains to upper management his formula for winning games at Petco got fouled up when he forgot to carry the one.







New York More

19. New York Mets (36-37; Previous: 15) – Sandy Alderson keeps his passwords in a locket on dog Buddy's collar.







Atlanta More

20. Atlanta Braves (35-37; Previous: 19) – Every morning, after signing on to his computer, John Hart hums that annoying dial-up sound for hours.







Oakland More

21. Oakland Athletics (33-41; Previous: 27) – Billy Beane uses Bing, cuz he's a maverick.







Cincinnati More

22. Cincinnati Reds (33-37; Previous: 21) – Every time IT guy increases Internet speed, Jocketty makes same joke: "Yeah, but is it Billy Hamilton fast? Get it? Cuz Billy Hamilton's so fast!"







Cleveland More

23. Cleveland Indians (33-38; Previous: 20) – Following conversations with Nick Swisher, Terry Francona sometimes spends 20 or 30 minutes consulting Urban Dictionary.



Story continues