The more I watch Orange is the New Black, the more prison is starting to look really appealing. The fact of the matter is, I’m not making any money off this stupid website and I can barely survive! Often the thought crosses my mind, wouldn’t it be great if someone would just take care of me? There’s so much I enjoy doing, like reading, writing, and making things with my hands, but I can’t seem to make ends meet. But now that I’ve gotten a good look at prison from OITNB, I’m realizing it might be a perfect fit for me. How do I get accepted into prison? Do I email them my resume?

MEET NEW PEOPLE!

I’m alone all the time, and no one wants to be around me at all ever. But what if my friends were my friends because they had no choice?

Everyone is in that prison together, and from the way things look in Orange is the New Black, they’re not really looking to stab one another. They’re looking to hug. Sure, everyone is bickering, there’s some tension, but you’re gonna form bonds with amazing people, who you never would have met in any other circumstance.

EVERYTHING IS FREE!

Bed. Food. Entertainment. There’s even free cable! I’m watching OITNB on a tiny laptop, I can’t even afford television! And, if you’re lucky enough to become president of television like Taystee does, you can just throw on whatever you want. Planet Earth all day, every day!

Drugs might not be free, but they’ll only cost a blow job or a deal with the porn-stache’d guard to acquire.

LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF!

Spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts and really begin to understand who you are, what you want, and what things mean. And if that gets boring, kick back and relax! You’re already in prison.

Enjoy the time off. Explore your sexuality! Are you religious? Are you not religious? Well, now you’ve got all the time in the world to find God, wherever he’s hiding, and decide if that righteous dude is meant for you. Your meth buddies will even baptize you in the sink!

LEARN TO APPRECIATE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE AGAIN!

When you get to prison, there’s gonna be a bit of a detox. You’re being torn away from your technology, and all the things you used to be able to just walk to the store and buy, like booze, aren’t so easy to come by anymore.

Personally, I’m drunk and on my cell phone all the damn time! I don’t even enjoy it anymore, it’s just part of the day! Now, on those special occasions when your prison pals have managed to whip up some hooch, you’re really going to know how good it is to have what you have.

SELF IMPROVEMENT!

Do Yoga, jog, get in shape, read books. Do you like to cook? What else do you want to learn? Well, there’s lots of opportunities.

The prison functions a lot like a commune, the inmates prep the food, drive the vans, organize themselves, fix things, and keep the place running. It’s a great way to really maximize your productivity, learn what you like doing and what you’re good at.

GUARANTEED EMPLOYMENT!

I don’t know about you, but I’m not qualified for anything. In prison, your qualifications don’t even matter! You don’t have to apply for a job; you’re assigned a job.

It’s almost like The Game Of Life wasn’t a huge lie, land on the “get a job” space, pick a card, and boom! You’re an electrician!

ELECTIONS!

In Orange Is The New Black, the women campaign in prison to be elected to the WAC committee.

If they win, they get donuts and absolutely no responsibilities at all. It’s simply the best democratically elected position I can think up.

PLAY WITH A DOG!

Look at this dog! It lives in prison. You can play with it!

BE A SUCCESSFUL ARTIST!

I’ve been trying to live off my art for years, and most of what that has served me with is having my power turned off and moving into my parent’s basement.

When you’re serving time, you can make art to express yourself freely and also have guaranteed meals, a bed, and hot showers. You’re also provided with free materials, and you can make whatever you want. And even if it’s awful, you don’t have to get accepted into a gallery to display it. Just hang it right up!

GET LAID!

In church.

In the shower.

With a one legged man even!

Seriously.