For reasons that defy all understanding – concern that life is not quite terrible enough at the moment? Worry that the devil makes work for idle hands in the endlessly decadent days of 2017? – experts at the Good Housekeeping Institute has compiled a list of chores we should all be doing to keep our homes spotless. They have helpfully divided them into daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly/semi-annually and yearly sections – the better for you to apportion your sense of failure.

There are eight daily tasks. Eight. Making the beds, cleaning the loo, wiping down the shower (full bathroom clean is weekly), kitchen surfaces and hob, sweeping the kitchen floor, clearing away all clutter every evening and putting dirty washing in the laundry bin.

Well. You know. It’s a nice idea. I really, really want to be this person. Unfortunately, this person and I have never met. The abyss between us widens as I contemplate the weekly items. Dusting all surfaces. Cleaning mirrors and tooth mugs. (Oh, for a life that had tooth mugs …) Cleaning the inside of the microwave. Cleaning. The inside. Of the microwave. Imagine.

When we get to the monthly section, it is hard not to suspect that the Institute is trolling us. Wash all the windows. Wash doormats, even though life expectancy in this country is still well under the 1,000 years you would need in order for this to become a thing worth doing – especially when Broadchurch is on. Wipe cupboards. What, on the inside? And start cleaning the things that clean – your dishwasher, washing machine and vacuum? This is clearly absurd.

The list for quarterly/semi-annual tasks (and the Institute reminds us that its list is not exhaustive) says to clean the oven (inside and out), vacuum mattresses, have pillows, bedspreads and duvets dry-cleaned, wipe down internal paintwork and clean out the freezer. On top of all your daily and weekly tasks and on top of your job, child-rearing and televisual commitments of course. But it’s either go to work and feed the kids or let your internal paintwork go to hell, so STEP UP!

The yearly chores list suggests that this is actually satire on a grand scale, or possibly an entry for the Turner prize. “Clean fireplace and chimney.” Uh, would moving the washing off the radiator do? “Deep-clean carpet and upholstery.” My 20-year-old Ikea sofa seems to gaze at me balefully. We are neither of us living our best life. “Wipe lightbulbs.” Wipe lightbulbs? I gaze wildly round the house, searching for the secret cameras and waiting for the prankster-artist to reveal themselves.

There remains, of course, the outside chance that they’re serious. If so, let me proffer my own list to free you from such domestic tyranny:

Daily Keep child alive.

Weekly Put dishwasher on. Shout at someone else to do laundry. Wash emergency knickers for tomorrow in shower.

Monthly Earn enough money to pay bills.

Quarterly/six-monthly Get whatever broke two years ago fixed.

Yearly Pay price of new oven for someone to clean oven. If anything else needs doing, move.