One of the oldest naturist facilities in Chrislip will call it quits at the end of this nudie season. Founded in the late ’70s by Jeff and Emily Brentman, Happy Gap has always celebrated the human form. These days, however, there’s not much to celebrate.

“When we first started out, it was the disco era,” says Jeff. “The people who came here were young, glittery and beautiful. The problem is, the people who come to Happy Gap now are the same ones who were here thirty-odd years ago. I really hate to say that the years have been unkind, because that’s, you know, putting it far too mildly.”

Emily agrees. “All we see now are stretchmarks and sagging breasts. And the women aren’t much better.”

“The main problem,” says Emily, “is that 99% of the people who come to nudist colonies are the sort of people who shouldn’t get naked. Ever.”

This leads to a secondary problem. Most of the Happy Gappers are married couples, and when the staff looks at them, they can’t help but get a mental image of their bloated bodies slapping together in a grotesque parody of the act of love.

“That does wear a person down,” Jeff admits. “At least ten times a day I’ll look at a couple, the image kicks in, and I yell ‘GAH!’”

Contrary to what the nudies have been told, GAH does not stand for “Gappers Are Happy!” It’s merely a cry of disgust. And it’s the reason the Happy Gap’s motto has changed from “Nude is beautiful” to “You’re 58; nobody wants to see your doodle.”