Earlier this year, Obama made a public appeal to mental health professionals to put an end to any kind of gay conversion therapy. He made a lot of valid points, and very few people would disagree that gay-conversion therapy is highly controversial, potentially dangerous, and probably misguided.

But let’s hold the phone on shutting down gay conversion therapy camps. I sent my son to one, and I don’t regret it. Here’s why.

You see, my son isn’t gay. In fact I’m pretty sure he’s almost entirely asexual. That’s not me being in denial, either. I have never once caught him masturbating, and I’m pretty good at invading his privacy and completely dominating his personal space. If that boy has any kind of orientation, its not any kind that leaves cum anywhere. Trust me, I do all his laundry, I would know.

I didn’t send him to a gay conversion camp because I’m worried about who he’ll want to fuck when he gets older. I didn’t send him there because I’m worried about his soul. I’m not particularly religious and even if I were, homosexuality is probably the least of the average teenage boy’s sins and I’m not sure why a parent would stress over it. Last year I found a squirrel in our backyard that Mason had taken a hammer to. One time I caught him trying to set his grandmother’s house on fire because she didn’t have any hard candies to give him. In the eyes of the Lord, I’m sure these are both worse than sucking a penis here and there.

So, why did I send him to a gay conversion camp, you ask? Well let me answer your question with another question: do you have any idea how expensive sleepaway camp is?

It’s very expensive. Gay conversion camp however, is relatively cheap. And if your kid is “gay” enough, they’ll even take him on a sort of scholarship basis.

All it took was a short essay about his concerning interest in Nathan Lane films and suddenly what would normally be a cost-prohibitive experience became something accessible for my son. I could finally send him to camp. I could finally be a good mom.

Outside of the gay therapy thing, it’s just like any other summer camp. They have swimming and rock climbing, fencing and archery; almost everything a regular camp would offer with the exception of drama and with the addition of a couple hours of repression therapy. Sure, the kids are programmed to quietly hate themselves on a deeply subconscious level, but they’re doing it around a campfire and to the tune of Kumbaya. What’s the harm in a little bit of brainwashing if the emotional pain is nullified by smores? Is it really psychological abuse if you have one of the best summers of your young life?

Being gay might not be a choice but being a good parent definitely is. You might not be able to decide your sexual orientation, but you can decide whether or not your child is going to have at least one really great summer before they grow up and have to worry about things like bills or mortgages or whether or not their own child is gay. And I chose to make sure my son enjoyed his summer. I chose to make sure my son got to experience something he will remember for the rest of his life. Is that so wrong? Is that something Obama wants to make illegal?

When Mason returned from camp he had a couple of opinions we had to work through, and yeah, it took a couple of weeks to get him to stop calling everything and everyone a faggot, but after a month of instilling liberal values in him, what he was left with was memories of a really great time out on Lake Etsachoise.

And that, combined with the money I saved, is worth more to me than being a parent that’s never accused of child abuse.