The North Pole, 12/12/2017. A spokesperson close to the Father of Christmas has announced that in preparation for this year’s festive holidays, Santa Claus has decided to relocate his workshop to Southern China. This comes as no surprise as the AEWR (Association for Elves Working Rights) have been successful in raising the minimum wage for the magical familiars to match the North Poles inflation for the first time since 1870. The Elves have for a long time been underpaid, forcing them to live on the workshop floor and survive on a diet of left-over candy canes and cookies which were not fit for children across the world.

Unfortunately, the hard work of the AEWR has now created larger issues, with Elves across the North Pole being made redundant resulting in record-high unemployment rates in the region. The workers union are furious and are trying to protect the remaining elves still under employment. Questions are being asked of Mr. Claus, with an international investigation taking place in Q2 2018.

“I have always been a hard-working and loyal employee to Mr. Claus, all we asked for was a little more pay to feed our families. Santa is a proper cunt.” – Buddy Cinnamon, 432, Quality Assurance Inspector.

“By the time I was 103, I had already carved millions of toys. I’m shocked. A colleague overdosed on Elf Dust yesterday.” – Bushy Evergreen, very old, the ex-head toy maker.

“I’m not updating the naughty-nice list this year, that fat bastard can go fuck himself”– a furious Alabaster Snowball, twice Cambridge graduate.

The workshop on Rudolph Lane is one of the oldest and largest in the region, which is now being remodeled as a low-class Elvenmans Club. Alongside the rising unemployment rates, crime and substance abuse such as the consumption of Elf Dust is rapidly increasing across the North Pole.

It is thought that more could have been done to prevent this from happening as Mr. Claus first started outsourcing toy production to China in early 2016. It surely raised concerns, but no elf saw this one coming. We spoke to an 8-year-old sweatshop worker in the Guangxi province of Southern China going by the name of Wang Wei who in 2016 received a Christmas present which was made by him earlier that year.

“I only asked for one thing in 2016, I wanted to go to school. Instead, I got a toy car that I made in the sweatshop a few months before Christmas.” – a tearful Wang Wei

Wang Wei is among thousands of young children who are forced to work in sweatshops as their families cannot support themselves on the shockingly low minimum hourly wage of 9.5 Yuan ($1.43)

Mr. Claus has promised to keep his best elves on the payroll, however, they are expected to relocate to the province of Guangxi to construct Santa’s new workshop, rumored to be four times the size of the old Rudolph Lane workshop. The elves will then be tasked with training thousands of Chinese workers in the use of The Magnetic Kinetic Toy Hulla-Ballu, the magical toy making machine which took 208 years to develop. Who knows what will happen to the Elves when they have finished training the newly employed Chinese workforce.

“Don’t blame me, blame the population, I’ve been around for a while and this is just getting ridiculous. How am I supposed to reach all these kids?” – Mr. Claus, in response to heavy criticism from world leaders.

Tensions rise as emerging rebel groups such as the ESNP (Elven State North Pole) and Elfiban threaten to take action against Father Christmas to fight for Elven rights and beliefs. This is particularly worrying given next weeks planned peaceful-protest which will take place on Snowrir square. Mr. Claus has placed the region on high alert and has ordered a curfew in what he claims to be an attempt to keep the population safe. The protest will not be adhering to the rules of the curfew and Santa has issued a statement suggesting security forces will act if the expectations of the curfew are not met.

It will be a truly devastating event if the civilians of the North Pole get caught up in a fight between the ESNP, Elfiban, and NPSF (North Pole Security Force). Christmas may never be the same again.

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