Hey you guys, good news! The Blue Jackets are good. None of us had ever thought this to be possible, but here we are. How did this happen? Well, if we’re to believe the Dispatch’s venerable Michael Arace, it’s because of a whole new level of professionalism in the Blue Jackets locker room, exemplified by how they’re not blasting pop songs after wins anymore. Or, as Mr. Arace said: “…high-decibel, utterly forgettable pop music. I don’t even want to remember what was on their playlist.”

This broke my heart! Our love of forgettable pop music is what connected me and some of my favourite athletes. This is the team that shook their boots to Pitbull and Ke$ha’s Timber! It is very sad to see forgettable pop music treated with this kind of disrespect by both the Blue Jackets and the journalists covering them, so today we will attempt to reunite two of our most favourite things in the world.

Wait… You can both listen to utterly fun, forgettable pop music and have a good hockey club? I know – Sounds fake, but for the sake of this article, just go with it.

Josh Anderson Bumpy Ride – Mohombi

Big Josh is the definition of a bumpy ride. He scores goals, rocks some bodies with hits, and he has a face that’s weirdly tiny for his big head. Fun!

Cam Atkinson Pocketful of Sunshine – Natasha Bedingfield

Thank you, Cameron, for blessing us all with your radiant presence everyday. Thank you.

Oliver Bjorkstrand When I Grow Up – The Pussycat Dolls

Maybe this year was a little too early for Oliver, but come on. We all know he’s gonna be famous when he officially steps up on the scene.

Matt Calvert Get the Party Started – P!nk

With Matty Calvert on your team, every hockey game is a party. It’s one of those parties where people get horrifically hurt, but be honest, once you’ve been discharged from the hospital, it’s one heck of a story.

David Clarkson SexyBack – Justin Timberlake

Love to see him leave and love to watch him go, ifyouknowwhatimean.

Brandon Dubinsky My Prerogative – Britney Spears





Nick Foligno Temperature – Sean Paul

He wanna be the papa, but he’ll still let you be the mom! That’s what Nick Foligno is all about.

Sam Gagner Starboy – The Weeknd

He’s a motherfucking third-star-of-the-week boyyyyy!

Scott Hartnell Knock You Down – Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West and Ne-Yo

Hartsy falls down often, and if he isn’t doing it himself, you kind of want to make him. I’ll be honest, I just wanted an excuse to remind everyone of this ICONIC song.

Boone Jenner Jenny from the Block – Jennifer Lopez

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that he’s got, he’s always going to approach everyday with the same hard-working mentality he was taught on the family farm.

William Karlsson Stockholm Syndrome – One Direction

Bill loves One Direction, which is only one of the many reasons everyone should trust him with their life. He didn’t need to Stockholm Syndrome anyone into loving him, he is just like that. An angel.

Brandon Saad I’m Like A Bird – Nelly Furtado

We dearly appreciate both Brandon’s delicate, slightly birdlike facial features and his stunning ability to fly down the ice.

Lukas Sedlak Burnin’ Up – Jonas Brothers

Lukas two-goals-in-two-games Sedlak, you mean? He’s hottttttttt.

Alex Wennberg Shots – LMFAO ft. Lil Jon

HEY EVERYONE LOOK IT’S A JOKE ABOUT ALEX WENNBERG SHOOTING!

Scott Harrington Hot in Herre – Nelly

It’s gettin’ Scott in Harre!

Jack Johnson Solo – Iyaz

Jack’s been playing himself straight onto Las Vegas’ roster with aplomb lately. What a couple of games he’s had. We’ll miss him like Iyaz misses his ladyfriend in this absolute bop.

Seth Jones Me Too – Meghan Trainor

Seth is owning his game and just full of confidence this year. Thanks Seth, but Meghan did confidence first.

Ryan Murray Where Is The Love? – The Black Eyed Peas

Could everyone, including malevolent Lady Hockey, consider being kind to him? That’d be nice thanks.

Markus Nutivaara Say My Name – Destiny’s Child

Baby genius and boy wonder Zach Werenski is stealing a lot of Markus’ thunder, but he’s just out there doing a great job. Say his name sometimes.

Dalton Prout Someone Who Can Dance – Icona Pop

This song goes extremely hard, not unlike Dalton Prout in the corners.

David Savard Kill Em With Kindness – Selena Gomez

Did you know that according to statistics, David Savard has the world’s kindest face? Stunning but true.

Zach Werenski Sk8er Boi – Avril Lavigne

He was a sk8er boi six teams said see you later boi he wasn’t good enough for them! Now he’s a superstar

Sergei Bobrovsky Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) – Backstreet Boys

He is original! He is the only one! He is sexual??? Well, he sure is everything we need! BOB is back, alright!

Curtis McElhinney Tired of Being Sorry – Enrique Iglesias

No one sees him but the silver moon! Oh my god, I’m choked up.

Bonus: John Tortorella Thrift Shop – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz

You know that feeling when you find something in the thrift shop and you’re like, wow? This looks totally cute on me and it’s only twenty dollars and I’ll be super unique! Kind of like, I don’t know, finding a washed up coach and having him rejuvenate your team.

Come on… We know you want to:

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