Career Fair Recruiter Just Can’t Fucking Wait to Tell You to Apply Online

Donning a crisp blazer and a cocky smile while waiting patiently for the Fall 2014 Career Fair to start, Aviran recruiter Chris Holtzer just can’t fucking wait to tell you to apply online. I mean really you have no fucking idea how long Holtzer has been waiting for this day. The college recruiter can be seen arranging his pens and stacking pamphlets to later give to each hopeful student, where he will promptly ignore any resume given, and tell them to just apply online like the fucking children they are. Oh I mean he’s just giddy with excitement at the near limitless opportunities to zone out for a good two or three minutes while some fucking toddler talks about his “extensive work experience,” just so he can interrupt him mid-fucking-sentence and direct him to the Aviran website to submit an online application.

“Yeah just go ahead and submit your resume with it, just so we have a digital copy too,” Holtzer is anticipating saying, when he will earnestly stare deep into the eyes of another student losing hope of ever finding a job. Witnesses confirm his visible excitement to be the recruiter for that one stupid fucking freshman who realizes at the Aviran booth that she’s completely wasting her time, spending all that effort to walk across campus in fucking heels and talk to “potential employers.” But most of all, Holtzer confided in reporters that he just can’t fucking wait to write down some complete bullshit on different resumes, pretending like he’s listening to your useless high school leadership experience.

Jesus, he’s nearly peeing himself with the anticipation of circling a couple points at random on your resume, maybe even turning it over and scribbling chickenshit on the back to lift your hopes up just a bit before crashing them down with a handout containing a URL pointing to an application that won’t even be open for a few more weeks. At press time, Holtzer was elated to find out it would actually last an hour longer than he thought, giving him sixty entire minutes at the end to just sit down and wordlessly pass out business cards while sipping on a flask.