Dallas, TX—

Political entertainer Alex Jones is in the headlines again, this time for demanding President Donald Trump declare formal war against Hillary Clinton and her alleged paramilitary militia of homosexual frogs and lizards capable of magic.

The following is a rant Mr. Jones delivered on his radio program today:

“This country is as close to fascism as it has ever been, folks. Hillary Clinton, right now as we speak, is using her necromancer powers to organize a shadow secret police force whose only goal is to subject freedom-loving Americans into slavery. These gay frogs are foot soldiers of her demonic Satanist cult, and the lizard wizards are wearing disguises to look like humans. But they’re easy to detect if your eyes are trained. If you know what to look for. The lizard people are always liberal, and they try to protect the environment, and they want to tax us into submission. I’ll tell you what, these lizards are certainly gouging me. You would not believe the taxes I have to pay for my show, because of our ‘Clinton Apocalypse’ themed survival gear that we sell. The taxes are insane. I mean, I get paid millions to just talk about random crap products that no one actually needs, but, still, the taxation of my earnings is theft. It’s lizards putting their gay liberal hands on my wallet. Get your hands off my money you lizard maggots! I’ll rip your heads off! Sorry—I’m getting worked up. But yeah, until Trump asks from Congress and obtains a formal declaration of war against Hillary Clinton’s shadow army of reptilian nazis, I won’t cast my vote for him. Not in 2020, not ever. This country is so close, folks, so close to collapsing, and I feel like I’m the only one who cares anymore. I am the lone knight against Hillary’s evil army from Jupiter and Barack Hussein Obama’s neo-reverse-Kenyan-colonialism that wants innocent whites to be sent away to Jupiter in chains to be sodomized by the gay frogs, and I hate to say it, folks, but the Republican Party, the RINOs, the cucks… they’re all in on it. And they’re coming for Trump, mark my words. They will give in to Nancy Pelosi’s bright, red, piercing lizard eyes and impeach Trump. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how America succumbs to Sharia Law. Chuck Schumer, who I have long called out for being a closeted muslim bedouin named Ali, is the general of the gay frogs. I’m not making this up, people. I’ve seen it. Chuck Schumer owns a terrifying black horse and he rides into battle with two double-edged lightsabers and an air force of drones from Jupiter piloted remotely by the wizard lizards. I have never been more serious about anything in my life, my fellow Americans. Donald Trump, our fearless leader, has no choice except to nuke Hillary Clinton. Her demonic powers are so great that it has to be a nuke, because her regenerative abilities are too strong for conventional warfare to defeat her. And it would take a nuke to vaporize all the gay frogs armed with liberal feminazi vibrator staffs. Oh! It’s time for my court-mandated radio disclaimer. Because of a complicated lawsuit with my ex-wife I am now legally obligated on an hourly basis to explain that my show is purely entertainment, and not any form of journalism. Nothing I say should be understood to be fact. I provide commentary for a fictional narrative of events that do not always accurately reflect reality. …Alright, folks, coming up on a commercial break, but first let me ask you if you’re prepared for the apocalypse. Like most Americans, you have probably been alarmingly careless in your survivalist preparations, and do not currently have 83 pounds of salt stockpiled in your basement for curing and preserving meats in the inevitable future of nuclear fallout. But now you can with just four monthly installments of $24.99…”

(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)

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