Photo by Diana Clock

Jennifer Lawrence recently reported to the BBC that she uses a female urination device (FUD) while suited up as Mystique for X-Men movies. She said, “I can’t sit down, so I have to pee out of, like, a funnel, and I just can never get it right. There is no way to do it and not drip on yourself.” Rumor has it that Lawrence used the GoGirl FUD to accidentally piss on herself, and you can too. I did.

The GoGirl FUD is lavender. There are FUDs a plenty on the market. There’s the Shewee, Whiz Freedom and Gotta Tinkle!, or you can just use a Hopkins FloTool funnel from the auto-parts store. Different FUDs provide different functionalities, and each has pros and cons. I ended up with the GoGirl because it seemed like it would be a good contender in an all-around funnel-to-funnel piss-off, and my editor sprang for the extension tube.

After reading about JLaw’s travails, I felt like my mission was doomed from the start. I decided that rather than review the GoGirl for its intended uses for females according to their website (camping, skiing, boating, travel and avoiding nasty public restrooms), I’d use it to piss like a man where men piss. Even the product’s name was cheering me on. I started thinking about which of my friends would accompany me on my urination vacation.

The online reviews for the GoGirl device are funny. One woman peed her pants when the extender tube came loose and fell into the “pit of doom” (that is, the Porta-Potty). Another wrote, “Too soft … U will pee on your hands.” Finally, I came across the following: “The GoGirl reminds me of a diaphragm: good idea in theory, but requires foresight, preparation — and ideally, access to a sink. (Otherwise, you’re just carrying around a pee-soaked silicone funnel all night.)”

Image courtesy of Sarah Miller

My GoGirl package arrived with the original silicone funnel, instructions, a plastic bag and a small sheet of toilet paper. I took the pathetic TP scrap as a hint that simply shaking off clinging pee drops, like a dude would, was not an option.

The silicone extension was long, narrow, purple and squishy. Worst penis ever. My first thought was, where am I supposed to clean this? I thought urine in sinks is generally frowned upon. I took to the Internet and learned that I should practice using and cleaning the device in the shower. Whoa, is peeing in the shower OK? IFL Science says it’s better for water conservation.

I Pissed Like a Man All Over My Bathroom

In my experience, living with a guy means that there’s pee all over the bathroom. There are exceptions. I walked in on a guy I’d hooked up with once and found him peeing while sitting down. His ex-wife had toilet-trained him. (In Germany, he would be called a sitzpinkler.)

I first used my GoGirl to pee in the toilet. I lifted the seat (and put it back down again when I was finished!). My aim was impeccable — not too splashy. Then I dribbled all over the floor. It’s not thick silicone, so the whole thing feels warm and squishy while you’re peeing.

Next up was the shower, for peeing and cleaning all at once. This was my most successful attempt at the whole endeavor. I tinkled while the shower sprinkled. I probably peed on myself but cannot confirm. I pissed myself in ideal conditions.

I Pissed Like a Man On a Road Trip

Sometimes guys need to pee like truckers — that is, into a container while on the road. My friend Doris thoughtfully let me pee in her car’s backseat on the way to Napa. Not only that, but also she purchased a bottle of peach tea for me to drain and then refill with my urine. I put down a garbage bag and sat with just the edge of my ass on the seat. Next I hiked up my dress and pushed aside my panties to position the GoGirl. My bladder demurred, and I didn’t pee very much, or so I thought. Easy peezy. I noticed only a small amount of leakage on the bag.

Soon we arrived for lunch at Cindy’s Backstreet Kitchen. I’d been feeling kind of wet down there. It was a hot day, and I had used a moist toilette to clean myself up after the deed. I went up to the bathroom and discovered that the crotch of my Hanky Panky thong was really wet. I sniffed. It didn’t smell like a BART station. Still, I knew it was pee that had leaked out from the back of my funnel. Luckily for Doris and other oenophiles, my dress was pee-free. I went commando for the rest of the day.

I pissed myself on my first real-life test-drive.

I Pissed Like a Man in the Men’s Restroom

I went to a Pride event at the California Academy of Sciences. I wore a hot-pink wig and a short dress when I headed into the men’s restroom to use my GoGirl. I waited for a free urinal and did my business. Unfortunately, I didn’t account for the fact that a urinal is higher than a toilet (24˝ vs. 17˝). When I went to disconnect the extension tube from the funnel, I didn’t notice that the urine hadn’t drained properly. I got pee all over my left leg, my shoe and the floor. There was pee all over the floor already.

Here’s what I learned about men’s restrooms: they smell like a litter box, and nobody looks at or talks to anyone. Women’s restrooms can be social hubs, but men look like zombies, steadfastly avoiding eye contact. Nobody looked at me, not even when I washed my hands or used the dryer. I think I heard someone say, “Dude, that’s fucked up.” He was probably talking about Trump or Brexit, because I would have felt the sting if he’d meant me, right?

I Pissed Like a Man After Getting Drunk at a Bar

My friends and I were trawling for single men in Oakland’s Uptown. We settled at Drexl, a bar with Skee-Ball and a serious lack of toilets. The line was long, and I had to pee. I went outside with my GoGirl and a random guy my friend Kitty easily convinced to join me.

Just beyond a loading dock, in full view of a dozen smokers and my panties around my knees, we pissed together in the parking lot. Before you send me hate mail about street urine stench, we peed into a grate under a storm drain, which was spritzing.

Nobody cared except one smoker, who asked me what I was doing. When I told her that we were peeing, she said, “That’s disgusting.” I happen to find smoking disgusting, so we’re even.

After I finished my last man-pissing challenge, I looked into the transthetics that were available to FTM or gender-nonconforming people. I discovered the Mr. Fenis and got serious funnel envy. Mr. Fenis, among other options — which, IMO, have better names than the FUDs (Peecock, Pee-Zee, Mr. Limpy) — is a stand-to-pee (STP) device. STPs made for trans people look like real penises. Mr. Fenis comes in vanilla, olive, tan and chocolate tones. Like the reviews for GoGirl, many reviews say that you will pee on yourself a lot using a Mr. Fenis. If I’m going to have to pee on myself, I’d much rather do that by whipping out a prosthetic penis.

The GoGirl was empowering for a minute. I’d rather fight for equal pay. For future stand-to-relieve-myself occasions, I’m going to work on my Kegels and squat.

Illustration by Julia Barzizza

Pee End.