It’s a phrase we’ve all heard guys say time after time to describe their ideal woman: “I want a lady in the streets and a haunted clock tower in the sheets!”

This ideal might sound like it’s just another sign of the patriarchy, but it’s actually a total win for both people in the relationship. It can be sexy to play into this sort of non-PC fantasy. Sorry feminists—it’s true! Unfortunately, this whole streets/sheets lifestyle is not always so easy to achieve. Sure, publicly presenting yourself as a prim-and-proper lady is manageable—you’re probably already doing it! But what about when you’re in the bedroom and want to show your man a sexy, spooky, inanimate clocktower good time? The truth is, it’s all about balance—and swarms of bats. Here are a few simple tips to make his horror-fantasy a reality:

IN THE STREETS: Entertain his family at dinner.

IN THE SHEETS: Entertain a family of ghosts at the stroke of midnight.

There’s no better lady move charming the pants off of his family at dinner. Smile warmly and don’t forget to align your political beliefs with theirs. You’ll impress them with your wit and your ability to faint on command. Then, later, it’s all about that family of Revolutionary War era ghosts who bring an eerie fog and bone-chilling cold to the sack. Your man won’t be able to resist (because they’ve already possessed his body)!

IN THE STREETS: Fill your room with roses and scented candles.

IN THE SHEETS: Fill your room with echoing screams.

A real lady smells like a clean baby who just rolled around in a meadow. Make sure to bathe in milk and honey and lay upon a bed of roses to inject some romance in his life. Then, inject some terror into the bedroom! Your bed is nothing if it’s not buzzing with high-pitched screeches that seem to be coming from NOWHERE … yet also from EVERYWHERE. Bonus points if you can open up a mysterious time portal and get some screams from the past in there, too! SpOoOoOoky!

IN THE STREETS: Dress with graceful modesty.

IN THE SHEETS: Trap him in a winding staircase of doooooooooooom.

Whatever you wear, make sure it is loose enough to completely hide the actual shape of your body, like a modest kaftan or a toga. But in the bedroom, your man won’t be able to hide when you’ve trapped him in a winding staircase that seems to have no end! For extra fun, throw some spider nests and swarms of bats into the mix.

IN THE STREETS: Sip wine daintily at intellectual gatherings.

IN THE SHEETS: Reanimate a flock of demonic gargoyles.

Sipping a tasteful amount of wine will facilitate polite conversation about the opera and modern philosophy. Unleashing the gargoyles will cause death and terror to rain from the skies, bringing on a thousand-year period of darkness. Hot, right?!

If you follow this advice to the letter, you’ll be every man’s fantasy. After all, if he’s not getting cursed by an ancient cloistered coven of witches under the covers with you, he’s getting it with some other girl! Just don’t get your streets and sheets behaviors confused. No man wants to be at an office party with his business partners when suddenly his girl starts opening mysterious time portals all over the place. Save that stuff for the bedroom—nobody likes PDA!