[screams]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- "ONCE UPON A TIMETHERE WAS A LITTLE HOBBIT

"WHO LIVED IN THE FOREST.

"AND ALL THE HOBBIT EVER WANTEDWAS TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

"AND EVEN THOUGH SHE WASSHORT AND FAT AND HAIRY,

"THIS LITTLE HOBBITDREAMED THAT ONE DAY

SHE COULD BE PRETTYLIKE BEYONCE."

[sniffles, clears throat]

"AND THEN ONE DAY,

ALONG CAME A MAGIC POWERCALLED PHOTOSHOP.

"AND JUST LIKE THAT--POOF.THE LITTLE HOBBIT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

"AND EVEN THOUGH SHE STILLCOULDN'T SING LIKE BEYONCE,

"OR DANCE LIKE BEYONCE,OR ACT LIKE BEYONCE,

"OR BE A DECENT HUMAN BEINGLIKE BEYONCE,

"THE LITTLE HOBBITWAS LOOKED UP TO AND LOVED,

JUST LIKE BEYONCE."[sniffles]

"SOON SHE HAD MONEYAND ADORATION

AND A HIP-HOP FIANCEWHO LOVED HER VERY MUCH--"

I'M SORRY, HOLD UP.

[sniffs]HOLD UP. I'M SORRY.

"EVERYTHING WAS GOODFOR THE HOBBIT.

"BUT THEN THIS MEAN LITTLE GIRLCALLED THE JELLY MONSTER,

"SHE WAS SO JELLYOF THE HOBBIT

"THAT SHE TOLD EVERYONESHE WAS A LIAR

"AND THE HOBBIT'S FIANCEREALIZED SHE WAS JUST A HOBBIT.

"AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

"HE SAID, 'I DON'T CARE!'

"AND THENTHE JELLY MONSTER CAME

"AND TRIED TO TAKETHE MAGIC POWDER

"AWAY FROM THE LITTLE HOBBIT.

"SO THE HOBBIT PRAYED TO GOD,AND GOD SAID,

"'DON'T WORRY, LITTLE HOBBIT,

"I WILL GO FINDTHIS JELLY MONSTER GIRL

"AND I WILL READ HER A STORYAND MELT HER ICY HEART.

"AND THE HOBBIT SAID,'THANK YOU.'

"AND THE HOBBIT AND GODLIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

IN THE SHOWER FOREVER'CAUSE I LOVE HER SO MUCH."

[sniffles, sobs]I'M SORRY. HOLD UP.

HOLD UP. HOLD UP.I'M SORRY.

- I'M SORRY. I'M SORRYTHAT I HAVE BEEN JELLY.

- SO HOLD UP,I'M SORRY, IT'S OKAY.

HOLD UP. I'M SORRY.

- NO, NO, I'VE BEEN A HATER,AND I REALLY AM SORRY.

- I'M SORRY, THAT'S OKAY.

I'VE BEEN JELLY BEFORE TOO,I'M SORRY.