Someone was cursed here, but it’s not one of the characters but we as readers, who were waiting with bated breath for a sequel worthy of the colossal seven part story. Love them or hate them – those stories are a part of us.

9 years after Deathly Hallows, the script for cursed child was released, and me, like most of the potter-heads out there, won’t be able to watch the play. I am sure that the play is moving but the release of the script is an amazing opportunity for us all to use the one gift given to all, irrespective of our geographical location and bank balance, our imagination. I also watched the play in my mind’s eye. I, too was swept aside by the golden trio and the Slytherin(my house) duo. And Draco Malfoy.

And yet, the play left lot to be desired. It lacked the quality that we expect from a writer of JKR’s caliber. I have heard the term fan-fiction used to describe the play, but it’s not just fan-fiction. It’s bad fan-fiction. It seems like the three author had a checklist of all the tropes they had to meet and they infused a story out of that. And that too poorly. And the sad part is it could have been better. It could have been something.

Cursed child would be now remembered as a what if.

Let’s start with the main antagonist- Delphi – Voldemort’s daughter. She is a silver and blue haired emo girl of 20, who is obsessed with a prophecy. She has no personality of her own but is a mash of Bella and Voldemort. Oh, she also has a tattoo. Because.

They say a story is as good as it’s villain, and if that is true, one only has to look at Delphi Augurey Riddle(?) to judge the latest installment.

And Voldie can have kids!?! he got laid?!? I am unsure what I find more disturbing. Brain bleach here I come.

And as unlikely as it seems, Delphi is not even the most grating part of the book.

The time travel story broke all the previous established rules of the canon. Cedric Diggory, whose very role was that he was sweet, GOOD person, who died needlessly, was turned into a Death Eater and a murderer because of that one time he was humiliated.

Ronald Weasley – as it was not enough to butcher everything good about the poor boy in the movies, they went a step further in the play. Ron, with his dry acerbic wit, is now a father who steal people’s noses and as far as the play is considered, that is all he does. Harry Potter, the man who could not handle a week without his best mate, now thinks of Ron as.. Ron. And don’t get me started on the love potion.

Here, dear nephew, heard you have crossed puberty. Have a date rape drug, it may not make you popular, but it will definitely make you a creep!

And if HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER, the smartest witch of her generation, became Snape Part II, because that is how you react to unrequited love. You teach students, and abuse your authority.

And what the f**k is a Panju? I am an Indian, and I assure you that is no real name.(Weird made up name – Trope checked.)

And in the weird alternate reality, the darkest time line, with its mud-blood camps and its blood balls, we have Severus Snape, who is proud that Harry Potter’s son is carrying his name. Please. That is so out of character, that I am entirely sure that some other order member was using good old polijuice(Why does everyone steal the ingredients for this potion from Hogwarts, the apothecary returned the order unopened?).

Rose, the beautiful daughter of Ron and Hermione, had one role, and one role only. To prove how hetero our dear heroes are. She had five lines in which she proved to have all of Hermione’s brains and none of her or Ron’s charm.

Hugo, who?

Draco Malfoy redemption arc was nicely done, although they did fridge Astoria.

Harry is a parent who has trouble connecting with his children and keeps trying to see his issues replicated in them, even though their experiences could not be more different. I actually find this pretty believable. Surprised?

Harry Potter, who was able to perform his first Crucio because of Prof M., spoke to her in such tone, with such words. And she took it. She would have grounded his ass so fast, the boy who lived wouldn’t have time to blink. Hotshot Ministry man or not!

Ginny is reprising her role from the movies. Doormat, ahoy!

The only saving grace the play seemed to have is the bond between Scorpius and Albus. The friendship was heartfelt, beautiful, poignant and so GAY. It was spouting rainbows. Except unlike most fan-fiction, they did not have the balls to admit it and succumbed to the burden of heteronormativity.

Scorpius escaped the dementors by thinking about Albus, as Snape was thinking about Lily. He even used the Always – I love you of HP universe. And those boys chose each other to spend eternal darkness together. But no homo bro.

The trolley witch is an immortal ninja who is the bouncer at the train – but terrible at her job. Poor Voldemort had to break his soul in 8 parts to do that.

The story that everyone was waiting for, written by the liberal pro-LGBTQ+, pro feminist author, one I deeply admire, who although I have criticized before – still held a part of my childhood, was part of a play that was the definition of queer baiting. A play that did not pass the bechedel test. I am not mad, or fuming. I am simply disappointed.

As far as fan fiction go, I have read much better ones.