Heaven—

The Halfway Post recently reached out to Jesus for a phone conversation, and the following is the transcript of the discussion. It has been lightly edited for clarity and brevity.

THE HALFWAY POST: Thanks for taking the time to talk, Jesus.

JESUS: No problem. It’s good to check in on Earthly affairs occasionally, you know?

THP: Definitely. So how do you feel about this Trump stuff?

JESUS: Oh. My. God. Don’t even get me started on that. What can I say? The investigation is finally entering its final stage thanks to that raid on Michael Cohen’s office, and—let me tell you—some nasty, freaky stuff is going to come out about Trump. It’s going to be pretty eye-opening. I know and see everything, and it still stuns me when I think about some of the gross stuff Trump has done. Real nasty stuff. Golden showers? That’s actually on the tamer side of what this guy has done.

THP: So Is Trump finally getting the karmic comeuppance he’s been deserving for decades?

JESUS: Well, I can’t disclose too much, but let’s just say the life of Donald Trump has been an experiment. The Big Guy wanted to test out human nature a little, take it to the extreme a bit, and so he Created Donald Trump but didn’t throw in any of the usual shame, guilt, or altruism that human brains usually get. I don’t know if I should tell you this, but even God’s hypothesis of what would happen did not imagine someone so vile as Donald J. Trump. He knew Trump would be awful, don’t get the wrong impression that he’s not omniscient—ya feel me?—but he made a mathematical error in one of the constant coefficients: white evangelicals. And it was a real wakeup call for Him. God really did not think his white evangelical base could be so amoral as to ignore Trump’s spectacular moral failings in exchange for a conservative Supreme Court seat. God kind of took his eyes off the ball on that one a bit, and he’s more than a little upset that his white evangelical base—who, by the way, are the most vocally supportive of Him, so vocal that they give God the creeps—could prove to be such ideological hypocrites and existential malfunctions.

THP: Those are some strong words.

JESUS: Well, they are some strong washouts. It’s like they don’t remember the 90s. Remember the stink they made about Bill and Hillary? And Hillary did the Christian thing and forgave him! But now these evangelicals go around blaming gays for ruining marriage, yet they elected Donald Trump, who is the poster boy of infidelity and sexual perversion. I don’t know why he even married Melania. He literally has never NOT been cheating on her. He’s the antithesis of the phrase “I do”.

THP: What do you make of the evangelical movement getting together in groups and praying both for and even personally with Donald Trump? Or Franklin Graham regularly insisting Trump is a “man of God”?

JESUS: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh God! I have one of those daily calendars where you rip off a page every day, and it’s filled with evangelicals who have praised Trump’s alleged spirituality. This entire month has been Franklin Graham saying dumb bullcrap, and it’s hilarious when you think about what Trump has done. Franklin Graham literally believes Trump gives a crap about Me and God. Franklin Graham is, literally, the biggest dupe who has ever lived. And I’ve personally known everyone who has ever lived, remember that. Graham doesn’t actually understand the Bible. He reads it every day, but he only cares about the vengeful stuff in the Old Testament that God wrote in his early days. Those were some dark days for God, before he got on the right pill regimen and evened himself out a little bit. And it’s kind of ironic that he cares so much about the Old Testament cause, like most evangelicals, he secretly hates Jews. He loves Israel because he thinks Israel being a state is what will bring me back to Earth sooner—spoiler alert: it’s not!—but he wants Jews to burn in Hell with Muslims and every other religion. These white evangelicals don’t even believe most Christians will go to Heaven. They’re wrong about everything! But yeah, Franklin Graham is a total moron. He totally fell for Trump. Trump doesn’t even have an ounce of Christian in him. Like I was saying earlier, Trump’s vanity is off the charts cause God just wanted to see what would happen when a human was given literally no empathy for other people. Trump has literally never prayed to me in my life. He’s certainly never asked for my forgiveness. When all these evangelicals get together and put their hands on Trump’s shoulders and bow their heads to pray, Trump thinks about big macs. Hearing Donald Trump’s internal thoughts makes me wish I wasn’t omniscient. Let’s just say that when I died on the cross to wash away humanity’s sins, Donald Trump wasn’t included.

THP: Thanks for the interview, Jesus.

JESUS: No problemo. I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave with some nice juicy gossip. The pee tape? Totally real!

(Picture courtesy of Trevor Hurlbut.)

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