The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but when families gather together, arguments and negativity often threaten to spoil the occasion. Here are some tips for avoiding conflicts and keeping the holidays stress-free for the whole family:

Try to end thousands of years of entrenched prejudices before flying home and talking about current events.

Encourage family members to seek personal space when they need it by telling them the front door’s right fucking there anytime they want to use it.

Avoid anything that could trigger fights, like a history of family depression.

Make yourself appear larger than you are around your father-in-law by standing up on your hind legs and puffing out your chest.

If you become frustrated during the festivities, consider going for a walk to the end of the driveway, continuing on for half an hour, reaching the town limits, entering a train station, buying the first available ticket, arriving in a town called Rockport, heading to the edge of the ocean, and just screaming.

Ensure each family member has their own table at which to eat dinner.

Split potentially huge family blowouts into smaller, more manageable bickering matches over the course of the holiday season.

Take the time to consider things from your brother-in-law’s point of view so you can fully appreciate how fucking stupid his perspective is.

Change name. Start new life.