This column is part of a new weekly sex-ed series from Woody Miller. He’s a sex advice columnist, and author of the best-selling book, How to Bottom Like a Porn Star. Affiliate links used.

Things are heating up.

His cock is entering your hole and it’s uncomfortable.

Then, he tells you to relax.

How many times have you heard that from your partner?

Hell, how many times have you said it to yourself?

Telling someone to relax increases anxiety and tension because you feel like a failure for not being able to relax!

Have you ever wondered how pornstars do it?

Me too.

So I sent a team of researchers to interview guys in the porn industry to see what they had to say. Cameramen, scouts, producers, directors and performers. The result were fascinating. We got a behind-the-scenes look into the secrets of the porn industry. Including how to get performers to bottom without pain or messy scenes.

We took what we learned and we developed the Sexhalation Method and published it in the bestselling book: How to Bottom Like a Pornstar.

The Sexhalation Method (let’s shorten it to “Sexhalation”) is a new approach to sexual insertion. I developed it with a team made up of a yoga guru, a psychologist specializing in respiratory psychophysiology, and colorectal specialists.

Each expert contributed their fact-filled, field-tested views on relaxation theory, sexual response, anatomy, pleasure centers and pain points. Then we put it all together to create a step-by-step system that all but guarantees a smooth bottoming experience.

Below is a condensed guide that will teach you the secret to pain-free bottoming. I hope you enjoy.

Here we go.

Watch this scene here at Sean Cody.

The Sexhalation Method: Condensed Guide

Step 1: Put lube on your finger and your anal opening.

It doesn’t matter what kind of lube or which finger you use. Just like your taste in men, it’s strictly a matter of personal preference.

Lube is 35% off here.

Step 2: Gently press your finger against the anal opening.

Do not insert. Just keep your finger pressed gently but firmly on the opening to your anus. Stay here for a few moments and let your finger feel what’s happening to the external sphincter. Notice what thoughts you have. Make sure, however, that you’re pressing on, not just touching, the sphincter. Again, press but don’t insert.

Step 3: Inhale to a count of four while tightening your sphincter as hard as you can.

Keep your finger gently pressed, but not inserting into, your anus. Keep a steady count to four until you get to the end of the inhale. Pause for a second and…

Step 4: Relax your sphincter as you exhale.

Remember to exhale to a count of six. You are not pushing your finger in during the exhale—your sphincter is relaxing onto the finger, which is gently but firmly placed against it. Only draw in as far as the exhale/relaxation allows.

How much of your finger got drawn in? An inch? One eighth of an inch? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you just experienced the secret to pain-free bottoming:

You don’t insert a penis into your rectum; you relax onto it.

This is an important concept to understand and apply. Inserting an object into the anal canal guarantees a tightening of the sphincter muscles. But relaxing onto it guarantees a loosening of them.

Step 5: Repeat until you draw in your entire finger.

Once you draw your finger in (no matter how little), keep it there without moving. As your anus realizes it’s not under attack you will feel the sphincter muscles relaxing further.

Step 6: Let your sphincter get used to the presence of your finger.

Keep your finger in there long enough and you’ll physically feel the internal sphincter—the one that does not obey conscious commands– relax around your finger. Feel it? You just experienced a great lesson: If you’re patient enough the muscles you can’t consciously control will unconsciously release.

It’s a simple law of physics. Do this: Clench your fist as hard as you can. Keep it tightly clenched as long as you can. You’ll notice that after a period of time the muscle simply gives out. It cannot sustain the same level of tension forever.

Step 7: Inhale as you clench your sphincter around your finger

Watch this scene here at Sean Cody.

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Remember, to a count of four—through your nose at a steady pace. Keep your finger pressing (but not inserting further) against the clenched sphincter muscles. As you reach the end of the inhale, pause for a second, then…

Step 8: Exhale as your release the sphincter muscles, allowing them to draw in more of your finger.

Notice that a tiny bit more of your finger got drawn in. Remember, you signed a no-pain contract. If you feel pain, BACK OFF or I’m going to slap a breach of contract suit on you.

Step 9: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Repeat steps 1-7 until your sphincter muscles have drawn in your entire finger. You are in control over every aspect of bottoming and your practice sessions are no exception. Besides, it’s better to quit and think you could have gone further than to continue and think you went too far. This is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.

Practice, Practice, Practice

You should repeat The Sexhalation Method as often as you can (daily is best). Do it for just a few minutes. Do it in different places (bedroom, shower) and different positions(on your back, on your side, on all fours, squatting). You’ll notice that your finger goes in comfortably a little bit further every day. This is because each day you’re stretching the sphincter muscles just a smidge, and like any muscle that gets stretched, it becomes more flexible, supple and relaxed. Try moving your finger in a circular motion while it’s in there. Experiment within and out and back and forth motions. There is no right or wrong, only what you like or don’t like.

If you found this helpful: check out the book where this advice came from: How to Bottom Like a Pornstar.

What about the prostate?

A great deal of the pleasure you get from bottoming comes from the penis stimulating the prostate as it thrusts in and out of the rectum. You can get a “sneak preview” of what that will feel like by massaging your own prostate as you masturbate.

You can also use a modified version of The Sexhalation Method to massage your own prostate.

Step 1: Gently press your middle finger against your anus

Step 2: Inhale to a count of four and squeeze your sphincter shut.

Step 3: Exhale to a count of six and release the sphincter.

Step 4: Repeat until you draw in your entire finger.

Step 5: Gently probe the anal wall upwards towards your navel.

The prostate is located behind the anal wall in the direction of your belly button (two to four inches from the sphincter). Be careful! The prostate is very sensitive. Do not poke and prod. Caress and stroke. Press gently. Use feather-light touches. You’re looking for a walnut-sized fleshy ball hiding behind the anal wall. Finding it is a little like playing hide-and-seek, only you’re using your finger rather than your eyes. The prostate is behind the anal wall in the direction of your belly button (two to four inches from the sphincter). Be careful! The prostate is sensitive.

Step 6: Find and trace the contours of the prostate.

Once you locate it, trace your finger around the gland. Take a tour. Notice where it is. Make a mental note of how far in (and up) you had to go so that you can use this memory as a GPS for the next hide-and-seek adventure.

Step 7: Massage the prostate

You need to exert firm pressure without pushing too hard. Firm but comfortable is your goal. Start at the top of the prostate and slowly push down toward the center. Then go back up. Then start at the bottom and slowly push upwards toward the center.

Step 8: Massage the prostate while you masturbate.

You may or may not have had an erection while exploring the prostate. It’s now time to purposefully get one. Massage the prostate as you masturbate to climax. It is quite eye opening to feel your prostate enlarge as you’re about to orgasm and then feel the entire rectum—sphincters and all—rhythmically contracting as you ejaculate.

If you want to massage your prostate during masturbation but don’t want to go through the “hand yoga” contortions (let’s face it, you have to go through a bit of twisting and bending to reach the prostate with your hands) try using a commercial prostate massager like the Rude Boy.

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Can’t find your prostate or not sure if you have?

If you still can’t find your prostate it could be that your fingers aren’t long enough. You should try a prostate massager that’s shaped to match the form of the anus.

Here’s a closer look:

Notice how the Rude Boy prostate massager is shaped to hit your prostate gland two to four inches into your rectum (towards your belly button). To boot, it also stimulates your perineum- which is the space between your balls and your hole. The Rude Boy is 30% off with free shipping when you use coupon code GRIND.

If your prostate is positioned higher than average and/or your fingers are shorter than average it can get a little tricky. That’s where the Rude Boy can help. It’s also a bestseller and it’s rated five stars.

Aneros is 20% off and Rude Boy is 30% off + free shipping at AdamMale.com with coupon code GRIND.

You can also try different positions:

For example, some guys have better luck laying on their left side and putting their right hand behind their back while bending their right knee.

One more thing about the prostate:

You can also try a more indirect route to stimulating your prostate. Find the pressure point on the perineum directly below the prostate.

Do this: Put your index and middle fingers together and press the fingertips on the area between your anus and the scrotum.

Southerners call this area, “The Tain’t” because it “tain’t your ass and it tain’t your balls.”

Start at the boundary of your sphincter and gently press up. Move an 1/8 of an inch toward your scrotum and press up. Keep going and you will find the sweet spot—generally, it’s the most sensitive spot in a most sensitive area. Try different pressures and find the touch that you like best.

It’s time for sex…with yourself

There is no substitute for a hard penis but there is a surrogate.

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to an unappreciated and under-used object that is instrumental to pain-free bottoming: The dildo.

But not just any dildo. A dildo with detailed specifications.

You need to buy one that…

Has a flanged base. It’s the collar at the base that prevents the dildo from getting stuck up your ass without a way of getting it out. Trust me, there’s nothing fabulous about a trip to the ER. The lighting is bad, the outfits are ugly, and they have no concept of a VIP line.

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If you’re starting out, I recommend a tapered body with a smaller head and fatter base. Like this glow in the dark one.

You can also slowly build up your insertion tolerance with this 3 level trainer kit. All are solid black and made from soft but sturdy rubber.

Colt Anal Trainer Kit is 35% off with code GRIND

One more thing…

You can wring the last bit of semen out of your ejaculation by doing the following. Right after you ejaculate press between your ass and your balls and glide toward your balls. As you reach the scrotum, grab the base of your cock and squeeze all the way up.

You are squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.

You’ll see extra semen come out that you didn’t know you had in you.

If you’re a “dripper” after you ejaculate this will completely end it.

What is good for you?

Some guys find prostate stimulation pleasurable while other guys find it annoying. Some men only like it after a certain point of sexual arousal.

While others like it at any time.

Still others don’t care for it at all. Individuals vary. What causes ecstasy for some causes boredom in others. It doesn’t matter whether you like prostate stimulation or not. What matters is that you experience the process. It is quite astounding to feel your prostate thicken and grow inside the anal wall as you get closer to orgasm.

How to Bottom Like a Pornstar: The Book

If you found this helpful, then check out the book where this advice came from: How to Bottom Like a Pornstar. You can start reading it right now because it’s a PDF that instantly downloads to your pc, Mac, phone or tablet. It includes even more techniques to keeping your partner’s sphincter completely relaxed, how to overcome hygiene worries and includes new speed, depth and thrusting techniques. You’ll also learn how to discover your inner top and how to get hard and stay hard, even with a condom.

READ NEXT: These Kinky Sex Toys Are Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Bedroom

The ten commandments

Chapter One: The Porn Star Bottom. A Spread-Eagled View.

Here you’ll find an aerial view of bottoming in the porn industry—the prep work, what happens during a shoot and the post game rituals. This general view will set us up nicely for the details that appear in later chapters.

Chapter Two: Free Your Mind, Your Butt Will Follow.

“Anticipatory pain” and a perceived loss of masculinity can put your butt in a headlock. Here’s how to resolve the emotional blocks that stop you from trying or enjoying anal sex.

Chapter Three: Why It Feels Like You’re Being Impaled By A Fence Post.

It isn’t just your sphincter causing all that pain. It’s your “S-curve” and involuntary puborectal contractions. Learn your anatomical structure so you can make the tips in this book work better.

Chapter Four: How Porn Star Bottoms Relax Their Sphincters.

Not all do it, or need to, but the ones that do swear by it. Find out whether you should use their controversial method.

Chapter Five: The Porn Star Method Of Eliminating Pain.

Find out the shocking things porn stars do to eliminate pain. Some are completely crazy and cannot be recommended but others are medically sound. I’ve combined them with a technique that blends systematic desensitization, pattern breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and sexual imagery.

Chapter Six: How Porn Star Bottoms Handle The Ick Factor.

Find out their secrets to getting your butt cleaner than a Brady Bunch rerun.

Chapter Seven: A Device That’s Better Than A Douche Or An Enema.

Enemas and douches are a bad idea. Here’s a better one.

Chapter Eight: How To Bottom For The First Time.

Here you’ll learn how to combine the best position with the best angle of entry. Missionary? Doggie-style? Straight in? Angled up? It matters.

Chapter Nine: A Guided Tour Of A Pain-Free Bottoming Session Between Adam And Steve.

A beginner’s real-time, step-by-step guide to bottoming that will light you up like an all night liquor store.

Chapter Ten: A Painless Conclusion.

Bits and bobs to help you remember the important stuff and keep you from falling off the stupid tree and hitting every branch on the way down.

Disclosure: This post is brought to you by Gaily Grind Best Picks Team. We mention products and services you might find interesting, and if you purchase them, we may get a small share from the sale. Affiliate links used. Have something you think we should know about? Contact us here.