BOONE, NC — Thousands of Appalachian State University students waiting for essential textbooks for their courses have formed dense settlements in the campus bookstore. This development has reportedly been a measure of sheer desperation by the students in order to survive and maintain their position in line.

“Once I had spent a few hours in one place, it was clear that this was the only way to make it out alive,” recalled transfer student Greg Dahl as he warmed up a can of beans over the communal fire pit. “I’ve managed to secure a great little crevice near the bumper stickers.”

Dahl estimates that at least three days had passed since he and some of his fellow students began constructing the makeshift shelters and lean-tos.

“It’s not much, but it’s home,” sighed Dahl, “which is more than I’d say about East Hall.”

More than 400 of these shantytowns, nicknamed “Evertsvilles,” have been accounted for, with new communities and social hierarchies developing by the hour.

“I haven’t seen the sun since Tuesday,” said Timothy Brand, chieftain of the Sportswear section. “I nearly lost my leg yesterday trying to get food and supplies from the Marketplace, but it’ll all be worthwhile when I finally get my hands on that Art History textbook.”

Brand noted that his chances of acquiring the book in question skyrocketed Wednesday evening, when his tribe successfully conquered the Young Adult section.

“Casualties were fairly high, but if that’s what it takes to walk out of here with the assigned literature, then that’s what I’ve got to do,” said Brand. “I mean, I probably won’t even open the damn thing, but this is just a part of life at ASU.”