- I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.



- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.



- I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.



- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

- Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?A: Diddly-squats.

- After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

- “Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

- How did I escape Iraq? Iran

- I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

- I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

- Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

- I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

- I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

- When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.



- Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

- Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.