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There are some things in life that are always funny. Japanese tourists with cameras. Dogs chasing their tails. Little children saying bad words. But nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever beat fat man dancing. And I cannot stop laughing this morning while watching this fat bastard named “Skim Milk” get into a dance-off with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce at a Missouri rodeo.

Of course that guy’s name is Skim Milk. What else would it be? Look, I’ve been involved in a lot of dance-offs in my day. That’s generally how disputes were settled in my hood. But I have NEVER gotten served like Travis Kelce just got served. I mean, Kelce’s only move was the Tom Jones shuffle:

He might be a mini-Gronk on the field, but off the field they’re not even in the same ballpark. If we had rodeos in Massachusetts there is NO WAY that Gronk loses a rodeo dance-off. But alas Gronk was not there and it was Skim Milk’s time to shine. He had so many weapons he could’ve chosen from in this rowdy-down that it was basically over before it started. There was the air twerk:

The crotch grab

The crotch grab with a lean-back

This thing

The belly dance

The mid-dance beer chug

The belly rub

The ass parade

The victory celebration

And finally the hazing of the rodeo clown

Seriously. I am going to watch that video at least 10 more times today. If you’re ever feeling down I suggest you do the same. God bless your sweet glorious fat bastard soul Skim Milk.

By the way, we owe Kelce a debt of gratitude. He EMASCULATED us during the Chiefs infamous pummeling of the Patriots in Week 4 on Monday Night Football.

Without that whooping Patriots might’ve just hemmed and hawed their way to the playoffs and lost to Baltimore. But they were a completely different team after that game. Just playing with an angry fire. And if Kelce got his motivation from Skim Milk, I think it’s safe to say that he is main reason we won the Super Bowl. You are now officially a legend in New England you glorious fat bastard.

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