"You WHAT?!"

"I told Orochimaru-sama that I wanted to immigrate to Sound," Hinata said again.

Anko stared at her, stunned speechless.

"Sensei, I feel that this is a good decision," Shino said hesitantly. "Hinata-chan needs protection, and Sound can provide it."

Anko turned and looked at him silently.

Shino licked his lips and shifted uncertainly.

Anko looked at him, still silent.

"Sensei—" Naruto began, only to stop when Anko held up a hand.

"Hinata..." Anko paused, then shook her head. "I can't deal with this right now. I've been sitting outside this office for hours waiting for you, and I can't deal with this. Come on, we're going home."

The jonin turned on her heel and stalked back towards their cottage, the genin trailing behind her. No observer who lacked the omniscient vision of the Byakugan would have noticed her fingers twitch, oh so subtly, in Konoha battlecode: well done.

o-o-o-o

The genin were moderately surprised when Anko actually gave them four and a half hours of sleep before kicking them out the door.

"All of you, move!" Anko bellowed. A twitch of her fingers and three copies of her appeared. "E&E drills! You have no weapons and no gear, so you need to rely purely on speed and concealment. Split up, different routes! One of me is going to be chasing you, anyone who gets caught will regret it. Hinata, that way, move!" She emphasized the command by hurling a spray of shuriken; Hinata ducked smoothly and shunshined away. One of the clones hurtled after her.

"Naruto, Shino!" Anko said, spinning on the other two. "That way and that way! Move!" The two vanished before the remaining Anko clones could pounce on them.

The sun was just peeking over the horizon when the four of them gathered back at their favorite training field. The three clones kept chasing their assigned genin around, holding back just barely enough to let the children stay ahead. Anko herself stood in the middle of the field, arms folded as she issued orders.

"Shino, you and Hinata are playing tag with my clone," Anko said, raising her voice just enough to be heard. "Being tagged is bad, so don't get tagged."

Two of the clones crumbled away; the survivor sped up and started coming for both Shino and Hinata. Razor-sharp steel glinted in each hand.

"Naruto, you and I are working on the uses you and Shino discussed for that earth jutsu," Anko said. "Grab some kunai."

"Yes, sensei," Naruto said quickly. He reached into his kunai pouch...and paused. He tugged, but his hand stayed firmly inside the pouch.

"Uhh...," he said. "Sensei...I think I'm, uh, stuck."

Anko raised an eyebrow. "This is no time for games, Naruto," she said disapprovingly. "Get the damn kunai and let's get to work, I'm not in the mood." She produced a kunai of her own and started twirling it between her fingers.

Naruto watcher her do it and started to sweat. He tugged harder, still without success.

Hinata twisted aside from the Anko-clone's latest lunge, frowning. "Sensei, there's syrup from a Syrup Trap jutsu inside Naruto-kun's pouch."

Anko raised an eyebrow. "Really? Hm. Okay, bring it in."

The clone that had been chasing the other two genin crumbled. Gratefully, a panting Shino and Hinata slowed down and rejoined their teammates.

Anko shook her head in disappointment. "Naruto, I find it rather embarrassing that my student was so inattentive. How could you let this happen?"

"Well, I...um," Naruto said, distracted by his efforts to pry his hand out of the pouch. He'd untied it from his belt so at least his arm was free to move, but he couldn't get it out of the pouch and was having no luck peeling the pouch off his hand.

Shino frowned. "Do we know when it happened?" he asked seriously. "It would be useful to know in order to prevent it from happening again."

Hinata cocked her head in thought. "Sensei...," she said slowly. "Did you put the syrup there?"

"Hm?" Anko said innocently. "Why would you think that?"

Hinata eyed her suspiciously. "It occurred to me that I did not notice whoever put the syrup in Naruto-kun's pouch. Furthermore, I did not notice the syrup itself, which I would have if my point of focus had ever been on Naruto-kun. It hasn't been, though...on the way out here we were required to take separate routes while you hunted us through the streets. Since we got here, you've kept us all running from your clones. You put the syrup there, didn't you?"

"I swear I did not put syrup in Naruto's pouch," Anko said virtuously. "I haven't played any pranks on him since we got to Sound."

"Hang on," Naruto said. "You said you didn't put the syrup there, you didn't say you weren't involved. You were deliberately being a distraction, weren't you? But you wouldn't help someone from Sound..." He looked over to where Shino stood, stone-faced as always. "Shino-kun?"

"Yes, Naruto-kun?" Shino asked.

"Did you put syrup in my kunai pouch?" Naruto demanded.

"Hm," said Shino. "It's a bit of an epistemic question, wouldn't you say? If the Universal Genjutsu theory is true, then you are nothing but a figment of my imagination. In such a case, could it be said that the pouch in question was yours? Or, alternatively, perhaps you are the target of the Universal Genutsu, and I am merely a figment of your imagination. In that case, you would effectively have put the syrup in your own pouch. Alternatively, it could be that—"

"Graar!" Naruto said, pouncing on his teammate in mock-fury.

Shino shunshined aside, laughing, then started running as his teammate pursued, waving his trapped hand dramatically overhead.

o-o-o-o

Three days later, the team was breaking for lunch. Anko had been having them explore the city for the past few days instead of spending all their time at the training field. The extra free time had caused the prank war to escalate out of control; Shino and Naruto had each suffered a variety of petty indignities and minor embarrassments, with the first day going mostly in Shino's favor due to clever use of his kikai. Naruto found his bum being tickled by kikai wings when he sat on the toilet. Two hours later, his pants dissolved in the supermarket, revealing themselves to actually have been a physical-henged bug clone of his pants. He walked out an office building only to find that the stairs had been subtly displaced three inches through careful use of illusion-henged bug clones lying on the steps. He tried to hide in the crowd by making dozens of clones; no matter how many he made, Shino always knew which one was really him and would target him unerringly with simple kitchen jutsu that soaked him, soaped him, or scoured him clean.

In contrast, Naruto's initial attempts at retaliation were repeatedly foiled—multiple shells of kikai warned their master of the blond's approach every time, and whenever Naruto thought he'd finally mousetrapped Shino it turned out to just be a bug clone...which would then promptly swirl into the words 'ha ha you missed' or something less polite.

On the second day, the balance of power had shifted rapidly when Naruto realized that the kikai bugs couldn't resist nibbling on available chakra and they tended to get sleepy when they overate. He plunged repeatedly into the middle of Shino's swarm, flaring his chakra to force-feed the bugs until they were so sated they couldn't stay awake. With Shino's eyes thus disabled, the scales of prank justice started rapidly evening up. First, Shino found the contents of his canteen replaced by pure sake. Next, he was caught by a low-powered explosive tag which blasted the contents of a paint-filled balloon all over him. Things went downhill from there.

Anko had insisted on certain rules: Hinata wasn't allowed to help either side, the bedroom was safe, mealtimes were safe, and anyone pranking her would earn a fate more painful than a thousand lemon-soaked razors. Because of the enforced meal-time armistice, and because Anko was in a remarkably good mood and had allowed actual cooking for lunch, the team was able to laugh and joke together while eating their rice and chicken. Shino's mouth still tightened slightly when Naruto's hand rested briefly on Hinata's leg or back, but he was referring to his teammate as 'Naruto-kun' again.

o-o-o-o

Two weeks later, night was spreading its cloak when the team arrived at their cottage to find Orochimaru lounging on the porch. He was sprawled bonelessly in a rocking chair, eyes closed, fingers laced over his stomach, with outstretched legs crossed at the ankle.

"What do you want, sensei?" Anko demanded.

Orochimaru lazily opened one eye and studied his former student before opening the other and sitting up with an exaggerated stretch. "I was wondering when you'd get back," he said, flowing up to his feet. "Aren't you going to invite me in for tea? Surely I taught you better manners than that, little bird?"

Anko's lips pursed as though she'd bitten something sour. "Won't you please come in and have tea, sensei?" she asked.

"Oh...," Orochimaru said. "Well, I had intended just to stop by briefly, but it would be rude to refuse an invitation. Yes, thank you, I'd be delighted." He turned and strode inside.

Anko watched after him grumpily before leading her team inside. Orochimaru was waiting in the living room, kneeling seiza with a quiet smile. Anko waved the genin to sit while she went off to the kitchen to make the tea. Hesitantly, they sat down in a circle in front of Orochimaru.

"I assume that Hinata-san has told you about her intention to immigrate?" Orochimaru said politely.

"Yes," Naruto said. "Why?"

"Well—ah, thank you, little bird," Orochimaru said as Anko came back in with a tea tray.

"Your tea, sensei," she said, setting a cup tea down in front of him with a little too much force; some of the tea slopped onto the floor.

Orochimaru shook his head regretfully. "Ah, little bird, you need to stop being so careless." He used a minor kitchen jutsu known to every housewife in the Elemental Nations to evaporate the water, then took a sip of the tea.

"I thank you for your excellent tea," he said, giving Anko a polite nod. She passed the other tea cups out to the genin and took one for herself.

Orochimaru took another sip, then set the cup aside. "So. Hinata-san will be joining Sound. The next question is what the three of you will be doing."

"Hinata's not joining—" Anko said, before stopping in surprise as Orochimaru laid a finger across her lips.

"Little bird, I grow weary of your voice," Orochimaru said, smiling gently. "I think it would be best if you were seen and not heard for a time."

She glared at him, but remained silent; she knew better than to disobey her former teacher when he used that very calm tone.

"Now, let's see...," Orochimaru said. "Where to start...? Hinata-san, you will be pleased to know that your emigration to Sound has been arranged. Konoha has convincing evidence that you are dead, so no one will be looking for you. Alas, your father's injuries ended up being non-fatal. My apologies for that."

The team stared at him, appalled.

"W-w-what?" Hinata said.

Orochimaru sipped his tea quietly, then set it down gently. "I felt it necessary to provide a strong message that child abuse is not acceptable," he said. "To that end, I sent my agent to Konoha equipped with one of my five remaining claymore mines. Four days ago, as your father was walking to the Council hall, my agent detonated the claymore twenty yards away from dear Hiashi-san. The blast filled the entire street, so there was nowhere to dodge; unfortunately, your father used his Kaiten jutsu to block the actual balls. The blast hurled him into a wall, breaking both legs, his pelvis, and his left arm, but he was released from hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery."

"B-bu-but...but..." Hinata stammered. "Y-y-you...but..."

"There was, of course, a pursuit," Orochimaru continued. "My agent was seen running into the woods around Konoha, where he was met by an escort of missing-nin, you among them. A team from Konoha caught up to them; there was a major battle, the signs of which were visible for quite some distance. When a follow-up team of ANBU arrived, they found that the forest had been destroyed in a half-mile radius after an immense ninja battle. There were bodies—well, pieces of bodies—scattered everywhere, nearly all of them burned beyond recognition. One of those bodies was yours; although none of the pieces were large enough to be firmly identified, a DNA analysis will confirm your identity. You are quite convincingly dead and therefore in the clear."

"But...my father...the Byakugan will show that the body isn't mine," Hinata said desperately. "The exact locations of my tenketsu, the specific folding pattern of my brain tissue—"

"Will all match," Orochimaru said. "The 'you' that was killed was a clone." He paused, then shrugged and sipped his tea. "Well, there will be differences due to prenatal development, but I doubt very much that the inspection will be that close."

Hinata frowned. "Wait, a clone? Wouldn't it have just popped?"

"Not a chakra clone," Orochimaru said. "A genetic clone. I took a sample of the blood left behind from your session in my laboratory and grew a copy of your body. Unfortunately, the technique that I use to accelerate cell division does not cause the mind to develop as quickly, so the body had the mind of a week-old infant; even a cursory encounter with a living clone would demonstrate that it wasn't the original. That won't matter here, though; my team were very careful to add enough battle damage to make it convincing that you had fought alongside them. And that, of course, was before they blew it up and burned it."

"You...you made them think I attempted to assassinate my father?" Hinata demanded, shocked. "How could you?!"

Orochimaru shrugged. "Rather easily, actually. Growing a clone is something I was doing back before I left Konoha; I've had years to perfect the technique. Trust me, it will pass muster."

He took another sip of his tea, then gave Anko an approving nod. "Mm, this really is excellent tea, my dear. You haven't lost your touch."

"Why would you do that?" Hinata asked, tears starting to run down her cheeks.

"You wished to immigrate," Orochimaru said. "This was the most effective way. Had you simply disappeared your father would have insisted on an unending series of missions to locate you in order to ensure that your eyes didn't fall into the hands of outsiders. Had you been killed attempting to return to Konoha, he would have insisted on that same series of missions to erase the stain on the family honor caused by your defeat by a 'clanless inferior'. No, the narrative here is clear: you grew weary of the abuse, so you defected—which is true—and you were recruited to lend your insider's knowledge to a mission intended to assassinate the head of the Hyuuga clan and therefore destabilize Konoha."

He considered the teacup for a moment, then set it down and poured himself a fresh cup. "When the Hokage and the Hyuuga start digging, they will find evidence that one of your father's political rivals—Nishimura, one of the civilian representatives—may have been behind the attack. It will seem quite plausible, since Hiashi-san is currently the sole obstacle to a land deal that would benefit Nishimura-san to the tune of several hundred million ryo. Behind that, though, is another set of trails showing that the evidence against Nishimura is false, planted by agents of Lightning in an effort to destabilize Konoha."

Team Anko stared at him in horror.

"Let me get this straight," Naruto said. "You thought that the best way to help Hinata-chan immigrate to Sound was to make it look like she had betrayed her home and tried to kill her father?"

Orochimaru eyed him with a raised eyebrow. "Yes," he said.

Naruto scowled at him. "That's...that's just...Gah!"

"Understand something, all of you," Orochimaru said. "This is not a game. Ninja villages are populated by very powerful, very paranoid murderers. Hinata-san is the heiress to the most powerful clan in the most powerful ninja village in the Elemental Nations. Her departure from Konoha needed to be absolutely convincing, and needed to form a narrative that would be believed easily enough to not be questioned too deeply. I've created an explanation that should do that; the death is incontrovertible and the story behind it is solid. The average person will believe that Nishimura moved to eliminate a rival. More clever people, and those with an intelligence background, will look underneath that trail and find the connection to Lightning. Should anyone somehow manage to see underneath that underneath, they will find no evidence to lead back here."

Anko raised a hand like a student wanting to be called on.

"Yes, little bird?" Orochimaru said.

"There is no way that they'll believe it," Anko said. "The Konoha intelligence division is the best; whatever lies you've laid down over the past couple of weeks, they'll find the holes and figure it out."

Orochimaru snorted. "Oh please," he said. "I've been laying these trails for over a decade; they're rock solid."

"You what?!" Anko said.

"Well what do you expect?" he asked. "I knew I was eventually going to want to kill someone in Konoha. I've been setting up the methods ever since I left; it was simply time to activate the plans for dear Hiashi-san." He sipped his tea again, then sighed. "I do regret that the attempt failed," he said. "Removing him from the Council would have opened up some extremely useful political options, as well as making operations in Konoha simpler by removing the strongest Byakugan user." He shook his head. "The man can see the entire damn village at all times. I ask you, how am I supposed to get anything done under those conditions?" He sighed.

"Oh, and I hate to disappoint you," he said, "but the Konoha intelligence division is actually quite unimpressive. For example, they don't even know where Tsunade is right now—one of the most powerful ninja in the world, definitely the best medic, and they let her drop right off their map." He shook his head in disgust. "Ridiculous. Not only that they don't know where she is, but that they let her go in the first place."

"She had the right to leave," Anko said. "The losses she suffered during the War broke her."

Orochimaru snorted. "Don't be an idiot," he said. "During the war, she wanted to train medic-nin and incorporate them onto teams, but sensei told her that we didn't have enough resources; fine, perhaps that was true. She was useful on the battlefield, that's certain—Jiraiya even felt that she is the reason we won the war. Stupid and wrong, of course, but a grain of truth in it. After the war, though, she should have been immediately assigned to training every ninja with the slightest desire to become a medic. She also should have been given therapy so that she didn't go into that stupid depression and leave."

Anko raised an eyebrow. "Why, sensei, you sound...sentimental."

Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "She was my teammate, my friend, and an incredible asset that the village threw away. And now they don't even know where she is! Idiots!"

"Why haven't you recruited her, then?" Naruto asked. "If she's such an incredible asset, why is she wandering around out there instead of in your hospital teaching people?"

"For a time, she was," Orochimaru said calmly. "We had a disagreement about experimental protocols and she left."

"Excuse me, but I believe we are wandering off-topic," Shino said. "The focus here should be on what you did to Hinata-chan."

"I did nothing to Hinata-san," Orochimaru said. "I simply arranged for her to get what she wanted—to be out from under her abusive family and safe in an environment that will reward her considerable skills."

"But...," Hinata said, before trailing off. Tears were running freely down her cheeks and her body was shook with silent sobs.

"Now, the question remains as to what we do with the three of you," Orochimaru said. "I certainly don't intend to hold you against your will—"

Naruto snorted.

"—however, you should be aware of the implications of your actions," Orochimaru continued, smoothly ignoring the interruptions. "Should you return to Konoha now, you will need to explain how Hinata-san became separated from your team long enough to defect. They will also want to know who the people are that she became involved with, and how she came in contact with them without your knowing and stopping her.

"You have several options," he said. "You are welcome to stay here; should you wish to enlist, I have plenty of useful tasks for all of you. Alternatively, if you prefer to remain on the civilian side, there is a great deal of work for non-combat ninja—plowing and irrigating fields, digging sewers and foundations, raising walls for buildings, producing small Syrup Traps for temporarily fastening things together, the list goes on."

He paused to survey the disgruntled expressions on the faces of his audience for a several moments before shrugging.

"Alternatively," he said, "you could depart. I would suggest becoming missing-nin instead of trying to join one of the other villages; your value as sources of intelligence on Konoha outstrips your value as individual ninja and you would most likely spend the rest of some short and unpleasant lives in the Torture and Interrogation department of whatever village you went to."

The genin looked at each other unhappily.

"Well done, sensei," Anko said sourly. "You've chopped off all the options, haven't you?"

"By no means," said Orochimaru. "You could also go back to Konoha and tell them the truth...that you were captured by the traitor Orochimaru, who brought you unharmed to his village, provided you with comfortable quarters and a certain amount of training, and kept you there for weeks—during which time you failed to use a summoning message to notify the village of your whereabouts—and then let you go." He calmly sipped his tea again. "You should probably also have an explanation for why Hinata-san's dead body was found alongside a group of missing-nin who had just killed a number of Konoha nin, but how that was an imposter and the Hinata-san who is returning with you is the real one. Oh, and, should you decide to invalidate all the work I did in arranging Hinata-san's emigration, you might want to figure out how you're going to prevent her abuse from continuing. I feel confident her father would beat her quite badly in punishment for 'embarrassing the clan' by being cast as a defector. I expect that hospitalization would be the best outcome, with death seeming far more likely."

He sat back, studying them carefully while team exchanged unhappy and helpless looks.

"Suppose we did stay," Shino said. "What would our lives look like?"

"That would be largely up to you," Orochimaru said. "For you, Shino, my preference would be to have you as the first instructor at the Sound College I am building. I wish you to train others in the rationality techniques of your clan. I would, of course place you in charge of a fully-staffed biology laboratory so that you can breed and study your kikai.

"Hinata-san, you would be spoiled for choice as to your assignment," he said. "Your record at the Konoha Academy was extremely impressive, you have nearly perfect chakra control, and the Byakugan allows you to read and synthesize immense amounts of material at once. If you prefer helping people, you could go for medical training, become an intelligence analyst, or join the administration and help me with the thankless task of keeping forty thousand people fed, clothed, and not killed by a foreign village. If you prefer fieldwork, I have a wide array of intelligence-gathering missions that you would be perfect for."

"I...I...um...t-th-thank you," Hinata said. She bowed her head, twisting her fingers together miserably.

Orochimaru eyed her for a moment. "If you prefer something else, we could probably make it work," he said. "I will add that I hope you choose to become an intelligence analyst. I desperately need help learning the secrets of the Republic and working out a plan for how to stop them, and you would be more valuable at that than ten other ninja. Regardless of your choice, I would like to arrange an appointment for you with a therapist. A history of abuse is a pervasive thing, and talking to a trained professional about it can help."

"Oh...um...t-thank you," Hinata said, pressing her fingers together.

Orochimaru gave her a polite nod of respect before turning to the last member of the team. "Naruto-san, I have considered the discussion we had while you were in the hospital," he said. "I am not convinced that training you is the best use of my time, but you have enough potential that I'm willing to give you a chance. I will accept you as a student on an interim basis; if you can prove to me that you're worth my time, I'll make it a permanent arrangement."

He held up a finger to halt Naruto's outraged response. "Understand, my duties as Chuikage leave me very little time. Anko will have to remain your primary sensei, as I will have only an hour or two a day to work with you. If you prove yourself, I will give you a slot in the Grand Tournament six weeks from now. I am looking for a protégé to be the next Chuikage, and the top four in the Tournament will be the first candidate pool."

"Are you kidding?" Naruto said. "I'm not going to be your minion! And Anko-sensei is my sensei! Sure, she's crazy and violent and mean as a snake—no offense, sensei—but she's mine! I'm not going to study with you!"

"Ugh," Orochimaru said in disgust. He glanced over at Anko. "Really, little bird, what have you been teaching him?"

"Hey!" said Naruto.

"Listen, boy," Orochimaru said. "You want to become strong so that you can protect your people? Anko is a highly skilled jonin, worthy of respect from any A-rank ninja in the world. I am the Snake Sannin."

Anko quickly jumped in, her face pale. "Sensei, he didn't mean—"

"I fear I overestimated you, boy," Orochimaru said, ignoring Anko completely. "I had assumed you would be smart enough to take the opporunity to study with me; my only question was how you would justify it. I was hoping that you would show gratitude while pretending to be reluctant...perhaps even saying something about how, since 'Hinata-chan' was going to be here in Sound now, you would need to find a way to fit in. I was expecting that you would be surly, seeing the advantages but too poor an actor to pretend. I have to admit, I didn't expect you to be a big enough moron to refuse." He shook his head. "Honestly. Here you had the opportunity to study with one of the greatest ninja alive and, more importantly, spend time at my side—just think of the possibilities! You could have built trust in order to exploit it later. You could have gained access to village secrets—personnel files, maps, intelligence reports—any of which would be useful in your later escape attempt. You could perhaps even have attempted to contact Konoha and set up a position as a double agent."

He shook his head again and pushed himself to his feet. "Never mind. You're powerful, but too stupid to bother with. I'll arrange a rear-echelon job for you; your power and the number of clones you can make will let you be useful, but you're too oblivious to be trusted with anything important." He sighed. "Be glad you're in Sound, boy. Here, you'll have a chance to be helpful. In any other village, you'd stay in the field until your foolishness killed you. Probably before you turned fourteen."

"But—" Naruto said.

Orochimaru waved a hand dismissively even as he turned to leave. Before he could take more than a step someone started pounding on the door.

"Lord Chuikage! Lord Chuikage!" the voice called. "The gas lines have burst! The Eastern District is burning! Help!"

Orochimaru's eyes went wide and the blood drained from his face. With the speed of his namesake animal, he grabbed Naruto by the collar and shunshined. He wasn't wasting time with doors; the entire wall exploded out of his way.

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