*The following is a dramatic re-enactment based on what may or may not be true events*

Arsene enters the pre-Swansea press conference, politely smiles at the ten or so gentlemen sitting before him and starts by answering (with gusto) a regulation question about the FA Cup trip to Swansea from a member of the club’s in-house media team.

He looks around room and spots a salivating journalist wildly waving a dictaphone.

“Arsene…Arsene…Arsene pick me…pick me…” chokes the man.

The Arsenal communications officer gives Arsene a little nudge knowing what’s coming next before directing said journalist to ask his question before he wets himself.

“Arsene. Are you talking to Theo Walcott? Is he going to stay? Have you given him the money? Surely you’ve given him the money he wants? Wouldn’t it be great if he stayed at Arsenal? He’s top scorer for you this season, did you know that? And he’s quick. And he was picked by Sven for the World Cup when he was only 16. You should make him sign. Will he be a legend like Thierry Henry? You’ve got the power to make him stay haven’t you? You’ve not lost it yet…or have you? If you don’t make him sign he’ll go somewhere else. Why do you always sell everybody Arsene? Anyway, I’ve forgotten my original question…but it’s about Theo Walcott, have you anything to say about Theo. Anything at all.”

Arsene punches the Arsenal communications man on the thigh with his bony Gallic knuckle, lets out a sigh, pulls out a well-thumbed copy of ‘Media Platitudes for Winter Transfer Windows 2007-2011 – Volume III’ and begins:

“Well err…we are talking.

“It is very difficult to be predictable in these kinds of situations but our desire is there to do it as quickly as possible and [we are] ready to do it.

“I’m convinced it will have a positive effect on the rest of the team if we sign him.

“We are talking, we want to keep him here. Our priority is to keep players at the club.

“I only speak for our side, and my side is that we want him to stay here.

“Of course I don’t want to speak much more about that situation because it can be misinterpreted and I don’t think he is only interested by money. I don’t believe that.”

The room goes silent for a moment. All that can be heard is the sound of pencils scribbling the short hand for ‘FUCKING BASTARD HAS SHAFTED US AGAIN.’

Suddenly a second question is blurted out, this time from a chap with a coffee stained tie and a little drool wetting the corner of his mouth:

“Demba Ba. Demba Ba. Demba Ba – you’re not signing him? We thought you were interested? What about David Villa? Or Lopez? Adrian Lopez…plays in Spain, we Googled it. You must be signing somebody? Come on Arsene, papers to sell…please.”

Arsene doesn’t need his little leather-bound volume this time; he’s got this answer scribbled on the inside of his eyelids.

“First of all we have to make sure the players who are here stay here, after we look outside,” he says with a wry grin.

“Let’s first try to finalise with Theo Walcott and after if we need something else we will go somewhere else, but our first priority is that.

“The most important players for us are those who are here. Those who are on the transfer market will not help us win the games.”

There’s a baffled look on the collective faces of the assembled journalists. “Surely he didn’t just completely fuck us for the second time in two minutes?”

Silence.

Arsene gets to his feet and walks towards the door in anticipation of a cup of tea. However, before he turns the handle he grins remembering one last piece of news. He doesn’t want them to leave empty handed, that would be rude.

“We have Diaby and Santos coming back into full training. They are not completely match-fit, but they are back.”

He winks and walks out.

“Perhaps I’ll check Twitter in an hour and see how this has gone down with the fans,” he chuckles to himself.