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JD grew up in the church in an area he affectionately terms “Zion Lite.” He served a mission in a country with police with semi-automatic weaponry and weird fatty foods, went to BYU, did more than enough graduate school, and still goes to church. Look around this Sunday, he may be sitting down the bench from you, possibly wearing fantastic socks. He could really use a friend there.

I am a gay man in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I battle despair daily, even though “to despair is to turn your back on God.” [1] I can understand the feelings that lead someone to consider suicide — the feeling that the Lord in this church has no plan of mortal happiness for me.

But I desperately hope the Lord does have a plan of mortal happiness for me. We still need to be actively seeking further light and knowledge, and the testimonies of God’s LGBT children are key.

Right now church leaders still echo President Packer’s strong feelings, that Heavenly Father would not create someone like me without the inherent ability to have “the very key to the plan of happiness.” [2] “Satan tells his victims…that perverts are…born ‘that way’…This is a base lie.” [3] [4] [5] More. My friends (celibate and not) have been compared to alcoholics and pedophiles and kleptomaniacs when they sought guidance from their priesthood leaders, this year, even in Salt Lake. It is easy for leaders to keep repeating such perceived prophetic pronouncements, when the only counterweight is silence, vague mentions of mistakes, or quiet admissions that being gay may be a “core characteristic” of an individual. [6]

What have I learned in my situation, officially labeled a “trial of mortality”?

“All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:7).

Being gay has forced me to persistently, agonizingly seek divine direction. I used to strictly believe that when the prophets spoke, it was a blessing to receive their words without equivocation. But my scripture study through the years has given me specific and consistent impressions that seem to contradict the words of Priesthood leaders. Temple attendance has brought feelings of joy and peace, particularly when contemplating the ideas that “it is not good for man to be alone” [7] and that “every living thing should fill the measure of its creation.” [8]

While repeatedly pondering in the temple the direction of my life, I have surprisingly had very negative feelings regarding the path of celibacy. When I felt strongly prompted to ask directly about a relationship with a man – an honorable male partner – I felt peace. This was not license to leave the Church and lust it up, but to seek a loving and respectful relationship. That pursuit makes my life harder, not easier. Just like Jodie Foster’s character at the end of the movie Contact, I fully recognize that I could be wrong. [9] Considering the position of the church, the fact that I consistently and persistently feel differently about my attraction while searching the scriptures, in prayer, and in the temple distresses me greatly. Is God really this messy?

Does God give false promises regarding his LGBT sons and daughters?

How many times has D&C 1:38 been explicitly used to encourage receiving priesthood counsel as if it were the direct voice of the Lord? Aside from over a century of demonstrably damaging general authority talks on the matter, I have heard story after story of direct, explicit, divinely attributed promises from bishops to prophets ranging from:

Encouraging reparative therapy (often using “therapeutic” heterosexual pornography)

Encouraging marriage as a solution (since the honeymoon night would “fix” the problem)

Directing the man to withhold talking about “same-sex attraction” from anyone including his prospective wife .



I wish my patriarchal blessing were filled with positive platitudes instead of the explicit promises of and relating to heterosexual marriage in the temple, the relationship I will have with my children, and my personal family in this mortal life. It just feels like another in a long line of false promises. For me, persistent promises rendered meaningless by subsequent innumerable interpretations or countless counterexamples engender neither trust nor faith.

If those directives and promises are not from God, then the leaders of the church are simply earnest, mortal individuals on this issue, doing the best they can.

Leadership roulette on all things LGBT is very real. A majority of leaders still admittedly don’t know how to handle counseling gay members — some still encourage reparative therapy. Other leaders implore us to “try heterosexuality again” as if it were simply a weekly flavor of ice cream. Many bishops have told my friends that they would be forced to initiate church court proceedings even if my friends just went on a fully chaste date. Depending on where I live, I’m under suspicion for church discipline whenever I’m seen with just one other male. I’ve seriously wondered whether, whenever I spend time in public with a male friend, to avoid the very appearance of evil, I should wear a sign that says “No Homo.”

I have few paths available to me

Celibacy. Even apostles have recognized the untenable nature of being celibate, such as when they remarry after the death of a spouse. Their actions indicate that non-childbearing marital companionship is vitally important. This makes it nearly impossible to listen to them counsel the opposite for me. If God actually knows us and has individual plans for each of us in mortality, then is there a divine reason why that companionship must be denied me this life? Did I already pass off the marriage merit badge in the premortal existence?

Heterosexual marriage. I have absolutely no desire for any type of intimacy with a woman beyond friendship. (I recently learned several women friends at BYU actually thought I was dating them! LDS women have the WORST gaydar. I am SO sorry!) All of my desires point very squarely and strongly to a man. I have several close friends who made valiant attempts at marrying a woman and ended up suicidal trying to make it work. While possibly not wrong for everyone, the Lord has made it very clear that a heterosexual marriage is the wrong path for me. It would deeply harm a woman I otherwise respect and love.

Double life. Living a double life has never appealed to me. I know gay men who bounce between obsessive church obedience and rampant anonymous sexual behavior. I know other gay men who hold church callings openly during the day and hold their boyfriends secretly at night. Rampant gay pornography use, secret sexual encounters, and other obsessive behaviors are consistent confessions in faith affirming groups and message boards. I know those who are married to women but feel it necessary to attend support groups for LGBT church members which endorse cuddle sessions in order to get “male healthy touch,” sometimes including naked cuddling. Others engage, sometimes even with their wife’s full knowledge, in emotional and sexual affairs or open marriages in order to “make it work.” My heart breaks for any wife who supports these side affairs because she feels “called to be her husband’s handmaiden.”

The November 2015 policy change officially enshrined same-sex marriages as apostasy which requires the convening of a church court. One direct consequence of this is that for gays within the church, illicit promiscuity feels less costly than visible commitment and fidelity. That can’t be the plan of the Lord for His LGBT children.

Leave the Church. Is my only option then to leave the Church, to abandon my beliefs? I want to believe that “happiness will be found through obedience within the church.” But I am not happy in celibacy. I’ve tried to follow the counsel of leaders, but they come from a position of admitted incomprehension. Their advice, counsel, and promises are historically and presently still wildly inconsistent. [10] Each agonizing question and each difficult life interaction I’ve listed above is constantly juxtaposed against the personal feelings of hope and comfort I’ve received during scripture study, prayer, and temple worship. These persistent personal experiences continually chip away at my testimony of divine guidance in this Church on LGBT theology.

What choices do I have? Where shall I go to find the Lord’s personal and practical direction for my life?

Footnotes

[1] Anne of Green Gables, Marilla Cuthbert. This quote is totally only in the movie, not in the book. It’s a really good movie, even for just being made for TV. Creates an enjoyable “alternative family” narrative, particularly in combatting that book’s era’s strong prejudice against a group of people who also didn’t choose their circumstances – orphans.

[2] Boyd K Packer “The Plan of Happiness” General Conference Saturday Morning Session, April 2015

[3] Spencer W Kimball, Acting Presiding Apostle “New Horizons for Homosexuals”, church-published pamphlet, 1971

[4] Boyd K Packer “To Young Men Only” General Conference Priesthood Session, October 1976. (“There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind.”)

[5] James E Faust “Serving the Lord and Resisting the Devil” First Presidency Message Ensign Sep 1995 (“There is some widely accepted theory extant that homosexuality is inherited…if it were so, it would frustrate the whole plan of mortal happiness. The false belief of inborn homosexual orientation denies to repentant souls the opportunity to change.”) Many Many More

[6] Church Public Affairs Interview with Dallin H Oaks and Lance B Wickman, August 2006

[7] Gen 2:18, and elsewhere

[8] Patricia T Holland “Filling the Measure of Your Creation” BYU January 17, 1989, and elsewhere.

[9] Contact, Testimony Scene. Admit it – you can totally see her saying “every fiber of my being.” Having a Bishop like James Woods would make a pretty intense testimony meeting, don’t you think?

[10] 19 Mixed Messages to Gay Mormons, Wheat and Tares, March 20, 2018