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RACING through the corridors of Leinster House pursued on foot by Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar, Enda Kenny reached the Taoiseach’s office and immediately declared “squatters’ rights” at the top of his lungs as he tried to close the door behind him.

The young ministers had attempted to discuss Kenny’s leadership intentions with him, in an effort to outline a clear succession plan, however, once the Mayo man caught sight of his rivals he bolted for his nearby office in a bid to lock himself in.

“I said ‘bagsied it’ like 5 years ago, that’s for keeps,” the Fine Gael leader said with gritted teeth as he kept the door from flying open by placing his foot and full weight behind it.

“An Taoiseach we have work to undertake on Brexit, the housing crisis, the HSE, immigration, we need to go now,” an aide of the Taoiseach’s pleaded through the keyhole of his office door, keen to ensure a fight for leadership of Fine Gael and the country didn’t descend into further farce.

“Sorry, I’m not leaving here, I’m going to live here and that’s that. You won’t get rid of me that easy lads, I’ll have all my meetings in here, and maybe I’ll even have sleepovers with EU leaders,” the Taoiseach continued.

“This isn’t fair Enda, you said you’d go after Paddy’s Day, you’re, you’re just a big fat liar,” shared a disgruntled Coveney as he hammered on the door, mid-temper tantrum.

“I’m claiming squatters rights, it’s in the constitution probably, look it up assholes,” the Taoiseach shouted from inside his office, now taking the time to assess the room looking for food supplies, a suitable place to sleep for the next 4 years as well as a bin to turn into a makeshift toilet.

Appealing to his softer, more rational side Varadkar urged the Taoiseach to “calm down, let us in we just want to talk”.

“Nice try dipshit, I’m a one man Apollo House now,” the Taoiseach concluded before placing an order on his phone for a week’s worth of pizza from the local Dominos.