‘This is India, not some Belgium-type country where total population is 43 and inside that 32 are policeman’

Respected Madam/Sir,

In decades and decades of dedicated service to public sector bank, madam/ sir, can you tell me how many times Mr. Mathrubootham has broken any official rules and regulations or basic decency and ethics and morals of society?

Thousand times? Never.

Five hundred times? Your father is breaking rules 500 times.

Hundred times? How dare you?

Zero times? Whether you have heard of realistic expectation or not? This is India, not some Belgium-type country where total population is 43 and inside that 32 are policeman.

10-15 times? Absolutely correct.

In whole life, 10-15 times maximum, I have broken rules or done illegal shortcuts and all. Sometimes customer will come to bank and signature is not matching. But face is matching because I have seen same face since Jambuvan period. Please take the money.

Sometimes cashier will say, manager, customer is saying she has dropped passbook in the water and now requesting replacement passbook for free. For 25 minutes I am telling her, nothing free, please pay fees. Now she is saying she will not leave without passbook even if you call Prime Minister.

Rats since 1972

Then I will tell cashier, Mr. Joseph Joseph, have you seen inside stationery cupboard? Same family of rats living in that cupboard since 1972. If you go to High Court, they will say cupboard is now family property of rat, please vacate the building without fail. Do you know what rat family is eating for breakfast? Cheque book. Lunch? Passbook. Dinner? Customer feedback form. You please give replacement passbook quietly without other customer seeing.

Madam/ sir, you are thinking 100% I have made typing mistake in Joseph Joseph name. No. He is from Kottayam. First time we met I asked him, what is your name, he said Joseph. What is your father’s name, he said Joseph. What is your son’s name, also Joseph. I said whether ladies in your family are giving delivery in hospital or Xerox shop? But it is the culture.

So what happened today? Suddenly I got one phone call from Mrs. M. She has gone to see brother family in Nagercoil. She said old man emergency danger! I said oh my god what happened in Nagercoil. She said health insurance has expired, I totally forgot. Please renew immediately.

I said Kamalam what nonsense tension you are giving me? Imagine if I got heart attack and esteemed Hindu newspaper is publishing two-page cover story about Mathrubootham. Can you imagine humiliation when people are reading that Mr. Mathrubootham got heart attack during phone call for health insurance form?

She said all the forms are in the drawer inside purple alamaari. Please submit immediately without fail. So I did all the work and madam/ sir, I noticed one very big problem. Paper is needing signature of Mrs. Mathrubootham. I called her and said, Kamalam, signature is needed, we will send after you return to Chennai.

She said whether you are Queen Elizabeth of honesty? Just put one sign for me and give off papers.

Madam/ sir, full tension is going through my body. How can I forge wife signature? What if computer is finding out automatically? What if it becomes police case? What if Hindu newspaper is doing two-page cover story about criminal Mathrubootham of Anna Nagar?

One hour I took tension in living room. One hour in balcony. Two hours I saw Guns of Navarone DVD for calming. Then I did one prayer and put her signature and took it to insurance office. One fellow in the counter looked at form for five minutes, then said, thank you uncle, all okay.

I said, thambi, please check all signatures? He said uncle, signature and all just one lollu jollu jujubi, who will give us money to give someone else insurance? Uncle, whether you have any experience in financial sector?

Madam/ sir, now I am going to see Guns of Navarone one more time.

Yours in unnecessary tension,

J. Mathrubootham