There’s a reason October 31 is known as the scariest day on the calendar, and I think we all know why … it’s Nick Saban’s birthday. And this year especially, no one wants to be on his bad side. That’s why we think it’s important that every team in the SEC find a present to give Saban for his 67th birthday, so that once the 4th quarter rolls around, a little mercy might be shown.

Let’s imagine Saban is throwing a huge birthday party and everyone in the SEC is invited, yes even Auburn. Here’s how it would go and what every school would give him:

Vanderbilt

No doubt Vanderbilt is the first to show up; the ‘Dores don’t get invited to parties or bowl games very often, so they’re not too aware of the fashionably late rule. But nevertheless, they’re happy to give Saban his first present — a third consecutive humiliating victory over Tennessee. There are few things that warm the Bama heart more than watching the Vols get embarrassed to their in-state rivals, and this gift is sure to keep them warm in late November.

Texas A&M

Next to show up are the Aggies. They liven up the party by giving another massive contract to Jimbo Fisher that Alabama will have no choice but to match.

Mississippi State (and Ole Miss)

Things really get going when Mississippi State arrives and hands over its present, a ranked game to boost Bama’s strength of schedule. Everyone knows the Bulldogs don’t have much of a chance pulling off the upset this year. But it sure would be nice for Saban if they could hold their barely-ranked status so he could add it to his resume. Mississippi State also tells Saban that Ole Miss would have loved to be here, but they couldn’t make it because they were grounded.

Florida

Things get a little tense when Florida arrives and gives Saban his first spiteful gift of the evening: Urban Meyer’s unpaid hospital bills from 2009. It was obviously Saban’s fault that Urban wound up there, so it’s time he paid up.

Kentucky

Thankfully Kentucky arrives to break up the tension and presents to Saban their gift, signing a 31-year lease of a Mercedes from his dealership. That might seem like a long time, but just take it from their series with Florida, it takes UK that long to fully pay back.

LSU

Things get a little out of control when the Tigers show up and hand deliver to Saban an original, warm, yellow-colored cocktail made just for him by the students at Baton Rouge. Luckily, Saban knew better than to drink it, and remembered from the 2011 National Championship Game how to get rid of them. All he has to do is draw a 50-yard line at the front door and LSU will never get past it.

Arkansas and South Carolina

Arkansas and South Carolina send over a letter explaining that unfortunately they just didn’t show up this year and don’t have anything to give, but hopefully they’ll be better next year.

Missouri

Missouri pops in for a brief second, but everyone at the party forgets they were there.

Tennessee

Eventually Tennessee shows up and gives to Saban the only thing they can really bond over, a picture of Lane Kiffin to throw darts at. The problem is Lane Kiffin enjoys it way too much.

Auburn

Auburn had to be dragged to the party and tries to get revenge by making their gift to Saban a jar of rat poison. Unfortunately for them, that’s the one thing Nick Saban needed the most.

Georgia

Right as the party is about to wind down, Georgia rolls up and gives the nicest gift of all: a blown coverage from his former defensive coordinator on 2nd-and-26 in overtime of the National Championship Game. Oh, wait. That was last year’s gift.

Happy birthday, Coach.