Washington D.C.—

Donald Trump Jr. went before the Senate Investigative Committee to testify about the meeting he organized with Russian agents in an attempt to procure campaign assistance against his father’s Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton.

Though his story about the meeting has now changed no less than four times, he is adamant that this time he is telling the unvarnished truth.

“Listen fellas,” Don Jr. explained to the panel of Senators, with beads of sweat visibly forming on his forehead and falling from his eye brows onto his prepared notes. “My memory is suddenly clear now since the last time I had to discuss this meeting, and I can tell you that, without a doubt, nothing illegal happened. The Russian lady, now identified as a Russian agent in connection to Vladimir Putin, only spoke in Russian to me and I couldn’t understand a single word she said. I sat politely listening, tying to interpret what she was talking about, but all I could gather from quick use of a Russian pocket phrase book was that she was trying to sell me a collection of foot creams. Nothing to do with Hillary Clinton, and nothing to do with the election at all.”

When Senator Tom Borello of Pennsylvania pressed Don Jr. on the related email chain that seemed to suggest, in English, that Don Jr. organized the meeting for the explicit purpose of illegally gaining anti-Hillary intel, Don Jr. changed his story for a fifth time.

“Okay, you’re right, so THIS is what REALLY happened,” Don Jr. said, emphasis his. “I thought she was a Russian prostitute my dad was sending me for a half-birthday gift—wait, no, no, no, hold on. Okay, THIS is really what happened. I wanted anti-Hillary intel from her, but I was wearing a wire and was part of a clandestine CIA operation to record her giving me the illicit information in order to help an FBI prosecution case against Russian spies working in America to deport them all back to Russia. Yeah. I swear, that’s the total truth, hand over heart. And the Russian spy pulled a gun on me but I karate chopped her elbow and grabbed the gun. That’s when FBI Director James Comey burst through the door and arrested all the Russians in the room and Obama gave me a Presidential Medal of Freedom. I swear to God, that’s exactly what happened. My memory is so clear now! But don’t thank me, thank my karate abilities.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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