Replacing everybody’s health care with shaving cream.

Fake ice cubes that melt immediately, except that they’re not ice cubes, they’re polar ice caps.

Toy guns that can actually kill people.

Leaving chocolate on Nancy Pelosi’s seat because you know she’ll be wearing white.

Any prank that involves touching a woman who doesn’t want to be touched.

Changing the teleprompter to just show pictures of boobs (and then justifying it by explaining, credibly, that you don’t know how to read, anyway).

Erecting an invisible fence for people to crash into.

Calling in “sick” from running the country to watch Netflix all day.

Telling government employees that they’re fired and/or have to work for no pay for weeks even though they went into government service in the first place because it promised stability.

Swapping out shampoo for Nair and then eliminating common-sense gun- control laws.

Spending our nation’s Social Security funds on three billion water balloons.

Taping a sign that says “Nuke me” onto Kim Jong Un’s back.

Frosting cupcakes with mayonnaise, and then also making that the main dish at school lunches nationwide because fighting childhood obesity is “lame.”

Candles that don’t blow out, but they’re not candles, they’re California wildfires, and the reason they don’t blow out is that you haven’t allocated enough emergency aid to fight them, because fires aren’t as big of a national emergency as Guatemalan eight-year-olds seeking asylum.

Attaching everyone’s college-savings accounts to a string and slowly pulling them away as parents try to reach for them.

Making fart noises when Robert Mueller asks if you colluded with Russia.

Changing the Wikipedia definition of “no exoneration” to mean “total exoneration,” and then throwing yourself a party.

Putting the nuclear codes in Giuliani’s phone and saving them as “Stephani Blonde #4.”

Lying to the F.B.I.

Backing Nazis.

Declaring a national state of emergency over a wall that no one needs.

Denying global warming.

Whoopee cushions—don’t suggest these to anybody.