Just like that weird girl from junior high who had headgear and wore terrible goth shit from Hot Topic, the Ford Mustang is going through its “awkward phase.” The problem is that (unlike that girl from junior high, who ditched the headgear and later made a lucrative career in the fetish porn industry) the Ford Mustang’s “awkward phase” started in the 1970s and has lasted for over four decades. Are Ford Mustangs really as bad as those people crashing them all over YouTube make them seem? Join me on my trip to the scenic Santa Cruz Mountains to find out.

(Disclaimer: Ford wanted me to drive the 2014 Ford Mustang Convertible so badly that they sold one to Avis Car Rental, and I had to pay to rent it.)

How, you may ask, did I end up reviewing a 2014 Ford Mustang Convertible? Well, it all started with a tradition older than time itself: Christmas. Like most of you, (Americans who believe in the correct Man-in-the-Sky) I wanted to get a Christmas tree. Aside from ensuring that a fat guy with a beard would break into my house leave me presents, having a real Christmas tree would make my place smell nice, bring joy and shit into my life, and show everyone just how much I enjoy killing perfectly good trees.

Unlike most of you, I own an Audi, which gives me an unfounded sense of importance and superiority. Despite being identical to cars driven by 1.4 million American soccer moms, it’s not something I want to risk damaging by hauling a tree around. That’s where the convertible Ford Mustang comes in.

See, trucks are actually pretty expensive to rent, and they aren’t that great for carrying trees. Most of the ones you can rent have a 5.5′ box, or perhaps an 8′ box if you’re fortunate. That means you’re lucky to fit a tree over 10 feet, let alone comfortably. With a convertible Ford Mustang, your Christmas tree can ride in style with its very own heated pleather seat, vanity mirror, and airbag (because safety!).

I happened to have $50 dollars in credit with Avis Car Rental, from earlier this year when they gave me a car with human feces in it that wasn’t properly cleaned. As a prestigious Avis Preferred member, I made a reservation at the nearest location that rented convertibles. With taxes and fees, my total came to a whopping $14.70.

Upon arriving at Mineta San José International Airport’s Avis Car Rental lot, I was greeted by a state-of-the-art digital display with my name on it, but no stall location in sight. Dejected, I hung my head and shuffled to the help desk, and stood in line with the peasants. The gentleman who helped me at the counter looked up my reservation promptly, and only made a few quips about my masculinity (or lack thereof) as he walked me to the Ingot Silver Metallic ‘Stang.

Things immediately got better when I entered the Mustang and turned the key. The radio was already set to the local country station (95.3 KRTY) with the volume turned up just high enough to cause permanent brain damage. Nothing screams, “I’m going through menopause right now!” louder than a rented convertible Mustang playing country music. This applies to men, too.

While the base model convertible I rented came with the 305 horsepower 3.7L V6, it was more than capable of carrying my fat ass and a Christmas tree around. It also averaged a whopping 24.8 MPG during our journey. (Spoiler: It’s really not that bad.) Now, on to the review!

Exterior – 7/10

I mean, it’s a Mustang, so it’s gotta look like one. It’s got a fairly ugly aggressive front end with a large chrome horse on the grill, so all the ladies will know you have a huge dick. The window sill trim is precisely shaped to mold the fat on your arm into the shape of a bicep. At the back, you’ll find dual exhaust tips and another chrome horse.

Since it’s a convertible, you also have the luxury of spending two hours getting your hair and makeup just right, jumping in the car with the top down, and messing it all up. Bonus: You can complain to your husband about it.

It’s clear that Ford’s designers put a lot of thought into this car, making sure it catered to its target demographic: middle-aged women on vacation, and sexually frustrated men. Solid work, team!

Interior – 5/10

Unfortunately, things go downhill once you take a look at the interior. The seats are fairly comfortable, but the dash, controls, and steering wheel look and feel cheap. The variable mood lighting and gauge colors are a nice touch that will keep your toddler entertained for at least a few minutes.

It’s definitely a step up from previous generation Mustangs, but there’s a lot of room for improvement.

Engine – 7/10

Alright, I was actually pleasantly surprised by the Mustang’s 3.7L V6. The car wasn’t underpowered by any means, and averaged close to 25 MPG during our trip with the top down, passengers, and a Chirstmas tree. Does it sound good? No.

It’s rated at 305 crank horsepower, but if you want to know what that equates to at the wheels after going through an autotragic transmission, keep reading until you get to the chassis dyno portion of this review.

Well, we went over the inside, the outside, and the engine. Let’s go on to the Mustang stuff.

Hauling Christmas Trees – 10/10

If you’re looking for something to pick up a Christmas tree in, look no further than the Ford Mustang Convertible. It fits an 11′ 9″ tree in the passenger seat with room to spare.

Sure, getting to the shifter is a bit tricky, and you won’t be able to see the right side view mirror anymore… but this is America, so get the automatic and fuck checking your mirrors!

Inception | Part 1 – 5/5

Can you put a Mustang in a Mustang? Oh, hell yes you can!

Inception | Part 2 – 5/5

Can you put a Mustang in a Mustang, on a Mustang? Again, hell yes!

224 WHP and 216 WTQ on California 91 octane fuel. Pretty impressive results for an automatic V6 Mustang!

Picking Up Chicks Dudes – 10/10

A Ford Mustang Convertible will make you more attractive to the opposite sex, the same sex, or whatever sex you’re into… I won’t judge.

Brake Stand – 0/10

Absolutely not. Turning the traction control and AdvanceTrac completely off doesn’t help here… Ford’s fun-hating engineers changed the TCU calibrations in the 2013+ Mustang to limit torque output when you’re on the brakes, which prevents brake stands. It’s probably because of people like me. I’m sorry. 😦

You’ll have to get a handheld flash loader with a tune that can disable this restriction if you want to have smoky burnout fun in your rental ‘Stang.

Dramatic Entrances – 10/10

While the convertible Mustang has a tendency to plow like hell, some good old-fashioned pedal smashing can break the rear tires free, allowing you to rotate the rear end, impress the ladies dudes, etc.

Convertible Top Operation – 5/10

So, the convertible top isn’t fully automated. There are crappy latches that you have to undo in order to put the top down. I broke a nail. Also, the top only operates at speeds below three miles per hour.

3 MPH?! Who came up with this?!

Off-Roading – 7/10

Aside from a few unnecessary TCS interventions, the Ford Mustang Convertible proved to be a capable off-road machine! It also looks pretty rugged with a nice coat of fresh mud.

Total – 71/100 – Pony-tastic!

It’s a Ford Mustang Convertible with a 3.7L V6 engine and automatic transmission. By some miracle it’s better at everything than a Jeep Compass. There are much, much worse cars people manage to buy at this price point.

tl;dr – The Ford Mustang Convertible is probably the best car you can use to pick up a Christmas tree and/or get laid. I have a new-found respect for convertible ‘Stang owners.

2014 Ford Mustang Convertible: The Laszlo Review