Yesterday’s article was relatively popular and had a dramatic effect on many. I would like to say two things as in advice as someone who is a bit further than many in dealing with this information as a warning in case some people react in self-harming ways due to the new information.

First, just because AvPD and MSR may overlap a lot in people having them, and MSR describes vulnerable narcissism very well, and AvPD and vulnerable narcissism have a lot in common, does not automatically mean AvPD is vulnerable narcissism. There is still symptomatic differences between AvPD and vulnerable narcissism as diagnoses. Because of their similarities, it is useful to think about vulnerable narcissism and apply it to oneself, but this does not automatically mean they are the same or because there are similarities that they have the same drives and mechanisms underneath. Personality Disorders are complex and hard to understand, let alone have. AvPD is one which is understudied and relatively little is known about it compared, to say, Borderline Personality Disorder. I’d advise people consider the ideas in it, but to exercise caution and take it slow.

Second, if one has malignant self-regard the automatic response is often going to be negative and twisted. For example, if someone sees how grandiose fantasy is a negative trait, the mind of someone with it may go through a lot of automatic thoughts and feelings such as this. “This is damaging me and therefore I’m not being perfect.” “I am doing wrong by practicing this and I should be punished and withhold from myself for it.”

Five or so years back I realized fantasizing all the time was bad for me and so my automatic response was to stop. This never worked. It was a coping mechanism, and one of few, so I fell back on it eventually and all I achieved was feeling bad about fantasizing even more. My automatic response was to self-deprive. It’s like you’re an alcoholic and you say ‘I’m never going to drink again!’ You then proceed to never drink any liquid. You get a day into it and desperately drink more alcohol as you crave it, never thinking of just drinking water since all your brain was thinking about was alcohol all day. When we think like this we are thirsty from not drinking water, and crave the alcohol. Both the desire for ‘alcohol’ and the ‘thirst’ blend together to be the same desire. Coping mechanisms and a lot of stuff in your brain, whether we’re talking about AvPD or MSR, even if it is self-destructive, is there to meet your needs and help you cope.

The natural desire to self-deprive or attack oneself whether it is from MSR and/or from the feelings of inferiority of AvPD is part of that process. We naturally twist everything we read to match these beliefs. But to us it is not twisting, it is setting things right. It’s correct.

I have made a post before talking about grandiose fantasy as a coping mechanism, and the top response I got was asking how to stop it. I think this is natural for many. Thinking in this way is like having a high pressure dam and saying how can we build a higher and stronger dam instead of just letting some water through. The better question is “How can I use fantasy to meet a better understanding of my needs?” “What are healthier ways to use fantasy?”

When we are kids we used fantasy for a lot of things. Not just to escape, but to better imagine and prepare for life. To become stronger. How can you use fantasy not as a way to escape, but to imagine a healthier life? The problem with fantasy is less that we do it, it’s that it is just one part of a process that relies falling back on it over and over. Imagine it like that dam from above, there’s all this water trying to get through and you don’t want it to get past the dam to the town below. Building up more pressure isn’t going to help. Setting up a new way for the water to flow in a safer manner around the town can relieve that pressure. Finding new ways to fantasize can relieve this pressure.

For example, instead of fantasizing about achieving impossible things, fantasize about achieving something doable in front of you and how that is good. Instead of fantasizing about finding perfect or great love, imagine how someone actually may care for you now and would like to see you succeed even by taking one tiny step. Fantasizing about things beyond your reach sets up failure, because you believe already the things which are defeatist that cause that fantasy. The fantasy is just one part of the wheel, and cutting it out will just cause the wheel to crash. Slow steps toward replacing parts of the wheel with slightly healthier counterparts is a much safer method. If say you want safety, and you think you’re unable to achieve it, then you will choose unsafe things rashly to attack yourself as unworthy.

This is the risk of knowledge and might be one reason we are not self-aware out of protection. When we are aware of ourselves, we attack ourselves. Creating awareness only to use the opportunity to attack yourself is going to make it worse than before. An attitude where correction means erasure is something that does not stick long, as you forget the correction at the same time you throw the erasure off from not being able to stand it. One never changes for the better this way, only retreating further within the self out of self-protection.

One thing talked about was how someone with AvPD denies their desires, and similarly with MSR we saw how they become detached from their accomplishments and desire to be praised for their success. In this way we can see the combo AvPD and MSR person as possibly denying their desire for love, and rather wanting to achieve harmony with others purely for performing correctly and perhaps for others’ sake, but still remaining invisible. This same attitude can exist in self-correction from learning about the self, where one’s desire for love gets pushed down for performing correctly only. What I described above is a continuation of this, not a healthier method of coping. Finding ways to bolster fantasy toward producing confidence in oneself is a better way of approaching it. The goal of fantasy in this case is to not want to return to fantasy since the contents of the fantasy is unachievable, rather it’s to place something in front of you that is achievable that inspires you into doing it.

So, one has to set imagining things that are directly achievable right in front of them and small steps. As well with this, becoming aware of one’s innermost desires and aligning with that is better. For example, fantasizing people like you for who you are is more realistic, even if you do not think so, than fantasizing being a great achiever. The same rule applies here as it did above. This is like a wheel, and to replace this part of the wheel called fantasy with something that goes against other parts of the wheel will make it suddenly fall. Taking into account your traits, personality, and patterns in general, and taking small steps with each part, is how you improve. You won’t suddenly be able to fantasize people liking you for who you are, that would just cause distress because you’d think it was impossible and would only bring up feelings of being unlovable. Take it slow and try to understand yourself first before taking steps, and make sure each step is small but remain consistent in improvement. Keep in mind how your fantasy maintains the pattern, but do not suddenly stop it for being wrong. If you have anyone in your life you can talk to about stuff like this like a therapist, getting their perspective can be helpful.

I had another example besides fantasy but am not remembering it now. I just wanted to get this out quick so people don’t take this too poorly. Remember, the only thing different before or after you read the article I wrote was just that, the knowledge you got from the article. You are still you and always have been.