eanhapa

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Member Back to Top Post by eanhapa on When I was a kid, I tried to overcome my insecurities about being mixed race, with the standard talk about being exotic and hybrid, a bridge between 2 cultures etc. But as an adult that really falls flat for me. I'm basically treated by the world as an Asian male, with slight euro features. Keanu Reeves and Dean Cain, who are constantly mentioned are both 3/4 white. I read a lot of internet threads about White-Asian relationships, and often it is very derogatory towards the Asian male, and as a Hapa, I take it very personally.



I know it is not totally fair to blame my own parents for the stereotypes of other White Male/ Asian Female couples. For the most part I believe my own parents don't live up to those stereotypes. But I still can't help resenting them for it. It really takes a load on my self-esteem when it is always Asian females with white men, and never the other way around. This sends the message to me that I'm an inferior male, and I take it out on my parents. I don't think they were malicious, but they were at the very least ignorant and negligent. They had no idea what the experience of the half/asian male in America was like, and probably assumed I would just be a normal white kid. Neither of them has any idea WTF its like to be Asian Male. And they are too quick too dismiss it as my personal psychological problems, when their are entire books written about Asian emasculation.



I know this forum generally emphasizes the positive aspects of being Eurasian, but for me, it has been a rather miserable experience.

Groink

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Member Back to Top Post by Groink on eanhapa said:



I know it is not totally fair to blame my own parents for the stereotypes of other White Male/ Asian Female couples. For the most part I believe my own parents don't live up to those stereotypes. But I still can't help resenting them for it. It really takes a load on my self-esteem when it is always Asian females with white men, and never the other way around. This sends the message to me that I'm an inferior male, and I take it out on my parents. I don't think they were malicious, but they were at the very least ignorant and negligent. They had no idea what the experience of the half/asian male in America was like, and probably assumed I would just be a normal white kid. Neither of them has any idea WTF its like to be Asian Male. And they are too quick too dismiss it as my personal psychological problems, when their are entire books written about Asian emasculation.



I know this forum generally emphasizes the positive aspects of being Eurasian, but for me, it has been a rather miserable experience. When I was a kid, I tried to overcome my insecurities about being mixed race, with the standard talk about being exotic and hybrid, a bridge between 2 cultures etc. But as an adult that really falls flat for me. I'm basically treated by the world as an Asian male, with slight euro features. Keanu Reeves and Dean Cain, who are constantly mentioned are both 3/4 white. I read a lot of internet threads about White-Asian relationships, and often it is very derogatory towards the Asian male, and as a Hapa, I take it very personally.I know it is not totally fair to blame my own parents for the stereotypes of other White Male/ Asian Female couples. For the most part I believe my own parents don't live up to those stereotypes. But I still can't help resenting them for it. It really takes a load on my self-esteem when it is always Asian females with white men, and never the other way around. This sends the message to me that I'm an inferior male, and I take it out on my parents. I don't think they were malicious, but they were at the very least ignorant and negligent. They had no idea what the experience of the half/asian male in America was like, and probably assumed I would just be a normal white kid. Neither of them has any idea WTF its like to be Asian Male. And they are too quick too dismiss it as my personal psychological problems, when their are entire books written about Asian emasculation.I know this forum generally emphasizes the positive aspects of being Eurasian, but for me, it has been a rather miserable experience.



FWIW here's my background: born in Taiwan, spent childhood in Hawaii, finished last two years of high school and went to college in southern California. In my teens and twenties, I spent a lot time pondering who I was and how others saw me based on my ethnicity, so I sympathize. You can spend a lot of time doing that and it is easy to blame your ethnicity because you aren't in control of it. BUT...it's kind of a waste of time and energy. You'll have enough people judging you on how you look, so give yourself a break and don't do it to yourself. You can then spend that energy of developing the kind of person you want to be.



I've said it before here on EAN and some disagree with me, but here it is: you don't owe your heritage anything and it doesn't owe you either -- excepting for some genetic/medical predispositions. That aside, from the time you can make decisions about your life, own it. Be a pimp, be a douchebag, be a bro, be a nerd, be a hipster. Live in a place where negative (or even positive) stereotypes abound? Move. Want to date an asian girl? Ask one out. Want to date a white girl? Ask one out.



Don't pin stuff on constants (i.e. your ethnicity) that might be attributed to something you can change.



Living in the Bay Area, I see a lot of mixed race couples. All kinds. It happens. Not just supermodel types, either. There's some fugly pairings happening, too.



FWIW here's my background: born in Taiwan, spent childhood in Hawaii, finished last two years of high school and went to college in southern California. In my teens and twenties, I spent a lot time pondering who I was and how others saw me based on my ethnicity, so I sympathize. You can spend a lot of time doing that and it is easy to blame your ethnicity because you aren't in control of it. BUT...it's kind of a waste of time and energy. You'll have enough people judging you on how you look, so give yourself a break and don't do it to yourself. You can then spend that energy of developing the kind of person you want to be.I've said it before here on EAN and some disagree with me, but here it is: you don't owe your heritage anything and it doesn't owe you either -- excepting for some genetic/medical predispositions.That aside, from the time you can make decisions about your life, own it. Be a pimp, be a douchebag, be a bro, be a nerd, be a hipster. Live in a place where negative (or even positive) stereotypes abound? Move. Want to date an asian girl? Ask one out. Want to date a white girl? Ask one out.Don't pin stuff on constants (i.e. your ethnicity) that might be attributed to something you can change.Living in the Bay Area, I see a lot of mixed race couples. All kinds. It happens. Not just supermodel types, either. There's some fugly pairings happening, too.

eanhapa

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Member Back to Top Post by eanhapa on I'm a rather Asian-looking Hapa, and often am considered pure Asian. And I have a lot of resentment towards my parents that I have to take a lot of crap being an Asian man, that they as a White man and Asian woman, can't understand or empathize with. Maybe I'm not being fair, but when I read nasty comments from white-asian couples online, I will feel a personal anger towards my parents, even if they are not directly responsible for such sentiments.



My Asian mom is from a wealthy Tiger nation like Taiwan, so I feel extra resentful that I have to put up with all these social obstacles, for very little economic gain. If I had grown up in a nation like Taiwan, South Korea, Singapore, Japan, I could enjoy the same economic comfort, without the pain of being a despised minority.



The vast majority of Hapas seem to be born and raised in the West. How was life different for you being born in Taiwan? Did you move to the States at a very young age?

Groink

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Member Back to Top Post by Groink on We left Taiwan just after I turned 1 year old, so I don't have any recollection of my time there. Went to Hawaii and then bounced around a little bit and landed in California. So I couldn't claim knowing of any difference between the two.



Why don't you move to one of the countries you mentioned? My brother-in-law lives in Taiwan and he loves it. We've been hard pressed to get him to come back, although he may for graduate school. Back when EAN was more active, there were a lot of US, Canadian and British ex-pats living in Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia...you name it. Talking with them revealed that a lot of them had a more cosmopolitan view of the world, which is refreshing versus someone like me who has only lived stateside.





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Member Back to Top Post by milkman's baby on eanhapa said: Maybe I'm not being fair, but when I read nasty comments from white-asian couples online, I will feel a personal anger towards my parents, even if they are not directly responsible for such sentiments.

I would advise you to stay away from such heated online forums that you know might contain subjects related to race, other than ones like this. When you become engulfed in what is written online, you begin going into public assuming that all the actual, live people in front of you are thinking those thoughts. And then you will shrivel up or act weird in front of everyone. And they will respond negatively, which only validates all your thoughts. It's not good, and it's not accurate. Realize that the people who go onto online forums and blast disapproving thoughts like those are actually a small contingent of the general population. Hate to say it, but they're usually social rejects. If they were truly happy with themselves, they wouldn't care enough and take the time to single out ethnic group(s) and spend time pondering such silly hateful thoughts.

I would advise you to stay away from such heated online forums that you know might contain subjects related to race, other than ones like this. When you become engulfed in what is written online, you begin going into public assuming that all the actual, live people in front of you are thinking those thoughts. And then you will shrivel up or act weird in front of everyone. And they will respond negatively, which only validates all your thoughts. It's not good, and it's not accurate. Realize that the people who go onto online forums and blast disapproving thoughts like those are actually a small contingent of the general population. Hate to say it, but they're usually social rejects. If they were truly happy with themselves, they wouldn't care enough and take the time to single out ethnic group(s) and spend time pondering such silly hateful thoughts.

eanhapa

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Member Back to Top Post by eanhapa on Groink said:



Why don't you move to one of the countries you mentioned? My brother-in-law lives in Taiwan and he loves it. We've been hard pressed to get him to come back, although he may for graduate school. Back when EAN was more active, there were a lot of US, Canadian and British ex-pats living in Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia...you name it. Talking with them revealed that a lot of them had a more cosmopolitan view of the world, which is refreshing versus someone like me who has only lived stateside.



We left Taiwan just after I turned 1 year old, so I don't have any recollection of my time there. Went to Hawaii and then bounced around a little bit and landed in California. So I couldn't claim knowing of any difference between the two.Why don't you move to one of the countries you mentioned? My brother-in-law lives in Taiwan and he loves it. We've been hard pressed to get him to come back, although he may for graduate school. Back when EAN was more active, there were a lot of US, Canadian and British ex-pats living in Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia...you name it. Talking with them revealed that a lot of them had a more cosmopolitan view of the world, which is refreshing versus someone like me who has only lived stateside.



I'm considering visiting Asia again, just to get away from the toxic racism of America. It might be nice to live in an all-Asian society for a while. Although not knowing the language or having much cultural connection, I don't know if there are any longterm prospects for me there. Its one of the dilemmas of being mixed. I feel like an Asian outsider in America, but I wouldn't really fit in in Asia either. Nonetheless I might give it a chance, since it can't be worse than where I'm now. If you are referring to white expats, the internet has given me an extremely negative impression of them, and if I did visit Asia, I would make a point to avoid any contact with them. If you mean, Asian-Americans, then yes I could relate to them. (On rereading it seems you are referring to EAN Hapas living in Asia.)I'm considering visiting Asia again, just to get away from the toxic racism of America. It might be nice to live in an all-Asian society for a while. Although not knowing the language or having much cultural connection, I don't know if there are any longterm prospects for me there. Its one of the dilemmas of being mixed. I feel like an Asian outsider in America, but I wouldn't really fit in in Asia either. Nonetheless I might give it a chance, since it can't be worse than where I'm now.

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Member Back to Top Post by jefe on Hey Groink, nice to see you still active occasionally here. I hardly check this forum anymore, but it is nice to hear from old names/faces.



eanhapa, do you mind my asking where you are based?



Personally, I have an Asian father, white mother. They divorced when I was in my 20s. The racial dynamics are certainly very different from the reverse, with its own sets of issues. But I left the USA 20 years ago and have lived in Asia ever since. I agree that racism in the USA is definitely toxic, but Asia has its own issues. Living as a Eurasian in an all-Asian society is not exactly 100% utopia either.



If anything, the perpetual foreigner treatment seems to be everywhere.



We used to have meetups in Hong Kong, and a lot of the guys who came were ones with Asian mothers / white fathers, but who grew up in the USA. It might be good to hang around guys who have a much more upbeat attitude toward their plight.

eanhapa

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Member Back to Top Post by eanhapa on sunnae said:



My mother was so ashamed of me that she didn't tell her family about me until I was 5 years old...

Also, please don't feel like your feelings are because you are male, though I realize you guys get the rough end of the stick. I have a ton of resentment towards my parents as well.My mother was so ashamed of me that she didn't tell her family about me until I was 5 years old...

Thanks for the reply Sunnae. I do think there is a general impression that Eurasian girls have it easier, perhaps somewhat based on reality. But I do recognize that many Eurasian girls have it tough too. I'm sorry about the experiences you had.



I find that the problem is usually the opposite. That Asian moms are too PROUD to have half-white kids. Theres nothing wrong with being proud of your kid. But when the pride is with superior white genes replacing inferior Asian genes, it reaks of white supremacism and self-hatred. I think there are a lot of bad WMAF couples out there, who get into relationships for the wrong reason. But I will try to calm myself down about it. And remind myself that just because my parents belong to a mixing, that includes many bad people, I don't have to take it personally against me. Its just really hard being an half-asian male in white society. Thanks for the reply Sunnae. I do think there is a general impression that Eurasian girls have it easier, perhaps somewhat based on reality. But I do recognize that many Eurasian girls have it tough too. I'm sorry about the experiences you had.I find that the problem is usually the opposite. That Asian moms are too PROUD to have half-white kids. Theres nothing wrong with being proud of your kid. But when the pride is with superior white genes replacing inferior Asian genes, it reaks of white supremacism and self-hatred. I think there are a lot of bad WMAF couples out there, who get into relationships for the wrong reason. But I will try to calm myself down about it. And remind myself that just because my parents belong to a mixing, that includes many bad people, I don't have to take it personally against me. Its just really hard being an half-asian male in white society.