ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

He rolled his eyes and forced a laugh.

“I’m not an alcoholic,” he said.

“As if I’d just sit at home all by myself and put away 13 pints. I only ever really drink at the pub with the boys. Maybe I might have a cigarette if I’m feeling particularly hedonistic. But as for your question, no. I’m not going to get on it just because it’s Friday afternoon.”

Dennis Coleman told our reporter that he doesn’t need alcohol to have a good time – which is why tonight the 29-year-old high school maths teacher is making his own bread.

It’s not a fancy sourdough one or even a wholemeal delight. Dennis says he’s not getting ahead of himself.

His face actually lit up a bit when our reporter asked him for a recipe.

“Mate, I’ve only tried making bread a few times before but this is how I make bread. You got a pen?”

“Ok, one tablespoon yeast, one tablespoon salt, one tablespoon sugar. Whisk together lightly in a large mixing bowl. Leave it for a minute or two. Maybe have a coffee or something,”

“Then slowly mix in about five cups of flour. The cheaper the better, don’t get sucked into buying the flash stuff. Make sure it’s flour from the home of the greatest flour in the country, Manildra. If it’s not Manildra flour, you might as well get back into bed and try waking up to yourself again,”

“One you’ve got a sticky mess that resembles a shaggy dough. Flour the benchtop and turn the dough out onto the bench. Play Sad-Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands on your phone, think about how life is passing by so quickly as you look out the window – and don’t stop kneading the dough until the harmonica fades out at the end of the song,”

“Wash out and dry the big bowl then lightly grease it with olive oil. Another other oil and you should go book yourself a CAT scan to see if there’s rocks inside your fucking head where your brain should be. Pop the dough in the bowl and cover it with a wet tea towel for about an hour or so,”

“It should’ve risen heaps by now. Punch it down and do a half-arsed knead again for 30 seconds then pop it in a bread tin. If you don’t have one of those, just shape it into a round blob in the middle of a baking pan. Oh fuck! Preheat the oven to 200, no fan. Sorry mate, do that a bit earlier,”

“Pop it in the oven for about 45 minutes and you should have something edible at the end. Cut yourself a slice as soon as it’s done, butter then pop it in your mouth. Some people say you can get a gut ache form doing that but some people also say Colin ‘Funky’ Miller couldn’t bowl off-breaks so believe what you will,”

“Fuck me dead, I need a fucking schooner. I’m losing my damn mind!”

Our reporter thanked Dennis for the recipe.

More to come.