Game Week: Minnesota (2014)

This week I sat around and wondered whether I should write a comic. I didn’t feel like it. I rarely do after a loss. Truth is, it’s more fun to make fun of everything when it’s going well, rather than to feel like I’m piling on when it’s not.

Because when it’s going well, there’s a general atmosphere of ridiculous merriment. Everyone acknowledges that their joy is unfounded and probably short-lived, but for a while, after we beat a team like Rutgers, people can at least sit around and go, “Hey, maybe they’re not so bad. A few things to get cleaned up but if they can we’re going to the playoffs.” People most definitely said this and even kind of believed it.

But when things aren’t going well, we’re equally delusional, with a twist. While the post-win (or mid-fall camp; or post-spring ball) delusion is fun and inclusive, the post-loss (especially post-bad-loss) delusion is a divisive, adversarial, nasty place. People get dickish. And reactionary.

And the truth is, both types of delusional Husker fans are equally right and wrong. Really. It’s as ridiculous to think this is a playoff team as it is to think that Bo Pelini wants to punch your childhood dreams in the face and hates Nebraska football and is probably friends with Bill Callahan.

But here’s the thing: Positive Delusional Husker Fan? He’s a blast. I can have a beer with Positive Delusional Husker Fan. He can tell me why Tommy Armstrong is better than Tommie Frazier (“Statistically, look at it you guys!”) and we have a good laugh and know we’re both probably wrong but who cares let’s go watch some football.

Negative Delusional Husker Fan can be a different beast. He’s got a sense of entitlement. An unearned air of snark that’s not funny at all. And I don’t mean, “Hey that’s not funny because it contradicts what I believe in or offends me,” I mean “Hey that joke just has no comic appeal.” These are largely joyless, unfuckable people.

Both groups are vocal. Both are fans. And every Saturday we mash them all together in an ancient patchwork gray lady of a stadium and call them The Greatest Fans in College Football. That’s only because Slightly Less Dickish Than Most Fans of College Football wouldn’t fit on the sign.

So this is a little bit of a plea to the Negative side of the fence. If you think it’s time for Bo Pelini to go, that’s OK. I don’t even know that I disagree with you, but I know that it’s perfectly acceptable to have that opinion. There are a lot of disappointing things going on, and so it’s OK if you think it’s time for a change. But. Have some class about it. Have some dignity. Don’t celebrate it, gleefully. Don’t act like Bo Pelini fucked your sister or something. He didn’t. Carl probably did, statistically. But not Bo. He’s not doing as good a job at being the football coach of your favorite team as you may like. And perhaps his job performance falls into that specific category of good-not-great that requires a change in regime. And you can think that, you really can. And you might very well be correct. But do it like you’re actually the Greatest Fans in College Football.

Earlier this week I saw a site where you could contribute to crowd-fund a plane flying over Memorial Stadium on Saturday with a “ Fire Pelini and Crew” banner hanging behind it. It has raised $345. That’s not a lot of money. But it is, once you think about the fact that the ten people who donated that collective amount think that a good idea would be to steal the spotlight from Kenny Bell and Ameer Abdullah on their Senior Day, just so they could puff their chests out, $15 at a time, and claim that they had made a statement.

Well no need. You already made a statement, which is “My penis is very small and nobody will hug me.”

Those fans? Those are the ones I don’t have room for. Those are the ones that polarize, and snipe, and make my eyes roll and make the whole thing not fun. I started TWOS because I love having fun with football. I think that’s why people like it. So don’t fuck that up. It’s a football team. Have some fun with it. And take that stupid money you thought you were going to spend on a banner and give it to Team Jack.

OK! So who’s ready to laugh!?! Sorry. Sometimes, ya gotta say something. And other times, man, ya gotta make some jokes about rainbow-colored poop and participation ribbons. Yes, both of those jokes are in this week’s comic. I hope you love it. Let’s have some fun with Bo and oh God look at him he looks like the Emperor.

[imgur link for mobile]