After combat, we have learned a shortcut to that switch and we tend to over apply it back home. Unexpected money problem just come up? Hit the switch. Kids aren’t instantly doing what you asked them? Flick. It is so hard to re-wire your brain and un-learn these responses that had just seemed so essential. For me, it took therapy and eventually meds. I fought for a long time to avoid them, I thought it would change who I was and dull things out that I wanted to still feel. Some nights were spent trying to remember, even more were spent trying to forget. I would even lie to my chain of command when I would go to therapy and say it was physical therapy when I was in fact spending an hour talking to the unit Psych. I never told anyone I was on anti-depressants until after I was already out of the military. I thought it would make me look weak. I still did not understand why I was having so much trouble with it all. Only after finally opening up just a little to close friends did I start to realize that they also were struggling. Only now that I am forcing myself to be a little more open about it am I really able to see some sort of progress in my head. Emphasis on a little. I don’t think I can ever go back to that fun loving happy go lucky Jake that I was so scared to lose. I am slowly starting to accept this version of myself the more I understand the “why” of it all. If you put a huge red button in front of me that would take me back to the old Jake, the one before combat, would I press it? Take away all of the pain, joy, struggle, satisfaction, hurt, pride, sacrifice and accomplishments? I think for once, I would be able to refrain from pressing the button. Even though I sometimes get jealous thinking about how light and free that Jake was able to float around, I am able to look back and see the flat tires I’ve had getting to where I am now and understand them a little better. That struggle that we all went through then and are going through now is what binds us together, even now that we are no longer together physically together. We have to embrace that struggle and see it for what it is in order to start to put things back together back home.