I have been a very confused--some even might say very conflicted--girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making.



I was born in Japan, and my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother, my grandmother, was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York. I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so; sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am.

Physically I look more European than Asian. Though my father was of mixed race and he had white blond hair, he did also have some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that would really bother me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of Asians.

My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my very personal opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to my father naked on her knees or being tied to a utility pole in her underwears during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was perhaps the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she has found a man who understood her desires and can give them to her.



