Polygon is constantly on the forefront of fucking everything up. When they’re not employing paedophile defenders or attacking devs for not meeting their race quota they’re putting out some of the worst content on the internet as far as gaming coverage goes. To date their pièce de résistance was their abysmal preview of Rock Band 4 where the writer bemoans the horrors of playing video games at a video game event. Today, they might’ve out done themselves with their preview of Doom 4’s first level, which is without a doubt one of the worst gameplay previews ever played. The player behind the controller is so bad that comments and rating have been disabled. Here are my notes after watching the whole video, something I don’t recommend you do.

00.04 ok, this is a movie sequence. The camera isn’t in the player’s control, so there’s nothing to screw up.

00.15 kinda suprised the Polygon player didn’t turn off the game right there, since they’re such fucking pussies that that level of violence probably triggered them.

00.21 Ok, he’s got a gun. It’s just a pistol, but there’s only zombies. 1+1=2 right?

00.25 of the seven shots, four of them missed. The player didn’t even move his camera. This might be their first time playing a shooter, ever

00.29 You can’t seem to die in this part, since there’s no HUD. I doubt ID figured players would even get hurt.

00.30 ok, so the player does know how to move, they just fucking suck at it.

00.35 this player is so bad I’m crying.

00.38 GO THROUGH THE FUCKING DOOR, YOU MORON

00.41 player has figured out where to go.

00.47 another movie sequence, probably for the best

01.05 there’s a suit of armor. Why the player doesn’t instantly get into said armor baffles the mind

01.07 rather then put on armor, we’re looking at candles

01.10 STILL LOOKING AT CANDLES

01.13 there is literally three seconds of no movement

01.26 after a short cutscene apparently the player is now wearing armor

01.35 I guarantee if there was a button prompt to put on the helmet, Polygon would’ve fucked it up

02.05 the player is given their first objective, fix the satellite array. I await Polygon’s fucking this up with baited breath.

02.25 the doom guy says “fuck this” and smashes his way out of the cutscene. Gameplay resumes

02.30 based on the button prompts, the player is using a PS4. Based on the player, he’s using a fucking SNES

02.36 the player is introduced to Glory Kills. There will be a tally of how many are actually used

02.41 first Glory Kill

02.45 second

02.50 i may have misjudged. It seems the player is using Glory Kills to offset how fucking bad he is at aiming

02.56 it took a full six seconds to pick up that shotgun

03.03 the player fails to realize he’s been attacked from behind

03.10 the first demon is introduced. HOW WILL THE PLAYER FUCK THIS UP?

03.18 the player managed to kill the demon, then apparently decided to take five seconds to just think about what he did. There’s a lot of blank staring and not moving in this video

03.23 literally five seconds of figuring out how to switch weapons

03.28 more staring. To my knowledge, there’s only a few times in the whole game where you aren’t tasked with shooting things. The player should be always shooting things

03.32 this player seems to think Doom is a stealth game, based on HOW MUCH HE’S NOT SHOOTING THE DEMONS IN FRONT OF HIM

03.50 this is legitimately the most infuriating fight I’ve ever seen in a videogame, because of how bad this player is.

03.54 the pistol will be a crutch here. It’s unlimited ammo provides unlimited ways to fuck up

04.06 the player has now encountered more then one imp. This might be the end of him

04.12 watching this player try to play Doom is like watching cripples square dance

04.15 the controls to Doom aren’t difficult, yet three times in three seconds the player fucks up

04.24 if this is role-play as Val Kilmer’s batman, then it’s well done since he never seems to turn his head

04.31 Doom has auto-aim correction. It does not, unfortunately, have anti-retard correction.

04.41 the player once again demonstrates that he has no idea how to hold a controller

04.47 in a perfect metaphor for the masculinity of Polygon’s writers, the player runs in the exact opposite direction of the action.

04.51 the player has figured out where he needs to shoot, and demonstrates this by missing several times

04.58 literally shooting at nothing for several seconds

05.04 the player has decided that starting at a door is more exciting

05.13 we have now gone a full 9 seconds without firing our gun, despite the demons in the room with us

05.21 this player might actually die in the first real combat encounter

05.26 it’s worth noting now that there are explosive barrels littering this room, which the player has dutifully ignored.

05.38 after 12 seconds of constant failure, it’s also worth noting the player has used his shotgun a total of maybe four times

05.42 FINALLY, AFTER 20 SECONDS, ANOTHER KILL

05.51 it’s gonna be another 20 seconds. This video is 29.00 long, and i suspect a vast majority of that is this fucking room.

05.57 the shotgun returns, and I’m pretty certain that’s because he fucked up the controls again

06.09 in point blank range, the player still misses almost all his shots. I suspect now he’s playing on the lowest difficulty, since three melee attacks only did 22 damage

06.12 finally he figures out how to kill something

06.23 this person has clearly never used a controller before, because there is no other explination as to how they miss shots so often

06.38 finally, after what feels like forever, the room is cleared. Future fuckups await

07.05 the player approaches the elevator like he’s afraid of it. I knew Polygon writers were fuck-ups, but this is a new low.

07.36 intro movie

07.51 the game has equipped the player with a shotgun. He won’t use it

08.22 we’re now looking at the menus

08.41 the concept of falling seems to scare the player, so he just mucks around for a bit instead

09.04 when not in combat, it almost seems like the player knows what he’s doing. But this isn’t Gone Home, this will end poorly

09.09 faced with a fire, it’s hard not to wish the player would throw himself into the blaze

09.20 Start of a new combat encounter. There’s a few zombies, plenty of opportunity to constantly fuck up

09.27 after taking far to long to do anything, the player instantly gets back into his old fuckup ways by trying to snipe a zombie with his shotgun

09.38 in an actual surprise the player lands a snipe shot with the pistol

09.46 and now that’s all he’s doing, playing Doom in the worst way possible

09.59 I wasn’t kidding. Instead of doing anything fun, this player just stealth-sniped his way through Doom

10.05 thankfully even the devs can’t stand his bullshit, and demons start spawning. HOW WILL HE FUCK THIS UP?

10.10 by missing a giant zombie several times point-blank

10.24 the camera control stick might actually be busted on this controller, judging by how poor the reaction time is

10.28 not that the player’s inability to do anything right helps

10.38 as suspected the player is relying heavily on the pistols infinite ammo to account for his fuck-awful aim

10.47 down to only 6 health, can the player survive the harrowing LEVEL 1?

10.49 holy shit, he died in the first level. This is a new low

10.56 after respawning the player is still sticking to his “DO EVERYTHING WRONG” style of snipe killing

11.08 I’m fairly positive most players interested in Doom don’t want to watch someone standing still for several minutes

11.19 the sniping doesn’t seem to work, mostly due to the player’s still abysmal aim

11.43 at this point I began to wonder if the player had issues with movement in real life.

11.47 the favourite strategy seems to be running right next to a demon, getting hit several times, then missing and finally melee bashing them

12.05 the player fails the most basic form of movement, the jump. Three times

12.11 maybe the constant failure is beginning to get to our hero as he unloads shell after shell into a dead enemy

12.27 I wasn’t kidding about that up-close strategy, as he once again demonstrates on the easiest enemy in the game

12.34 clearly frustrated by the constant failure, our hero shoots the wall. Twice

13.04 taking LOW AMMO as a sign, our hero charges directly at the enemy to completely miss their melee attack and take a punch to the face

13.16 it’s been 12 seconds since we fired a weapon

13.20 the player seems unaware that guns shoot at range as he once again charges directly at his foe

13.15 another 15 seconds of NOT shooting

14.02 another stellar showing of the ram-and-fuck-up technique

14.19 at this point the player is confused, as evidenced by him spinning around in circles several times. Also, 17 seconds without shooting

14.30 after nearly 5 minutes, of what is likely supposed to be a much shorter encounter, it seems our hero has won the day

14.40 of course victory is lost on the retarded as he wanders around aimlessly

15.02 finally some progress. The player needs a blue key, classic Doom stuff

15.03 so of course he tries to punch the door

15.25 the blue key has been found. How will the demons react?

15.40 placidly it seems. Enraged by this our hero punches the door again

15.48 our hero has found grenades. I hope for his sake there’s no friendly fire on those

16.00 and he’s decided to waste his only grenade on absolutely nothing. Stellar

16.08 another showing of the sniper technique. We all know this won’t last

16.22 I can’t prove it, but there’s some screen tearing here, almost like a jump cut. Could Polygon have edited this video for some reason?

16.26 clearly the reason wasn’t to switch the player for someone better, as they start the fight with a whimper, missing constantly

17.00 there’s a giant piston. No doubt the phallic imagery triggered our poor player.

17.12 the player legitimately seems unable to turn around at all. Probably thinks he’s a foward facing individual

17.24 several seconds of staring at nothing

17.56 SEVERAL SECONDS OF STARING AT NOTHING

18.30 our player demonstrates his inability to do math by trying to buy an upgrade that costs 2 points with only 1 point

18.44 MORE SNIPING

18.58 at this point the player is backing away from a fight, no doubt mirroring their own middle-school encounters

19.08 despite being nearly 20 minutes in, the player still has no idea he’s playing Doom and refuses to fight

19.12 dear god, he’s waiting for the fucking grenade to power up

19.19 at this point he finally grows a pair and gets to getting. This will take 10 minutes

19.50 another rousing game of GET RIGHT BESIDE THE THING THAT WANTS TO KILL YOU AND CONSTANTLY FAIL TO HIT THEM ONCE

19.59 the player is unable to recognize threats from the rear completely.

20.32 I’ve seen blind people have better aim than this fuckup

20.46 the black thing wasn’t a door the first time, but I better stare at it some more just to be sure

20.49 another edit, this one harder to miss since he now has a new gun. For what purpose?

21.03 another edit? FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

21.05 the player is clearly in a different location now, meaning that edit likely covered up several minutes of absolutely nothing

22.35 the player is continuously unable to detect enemy fire, from any angle, even right in front of them

23.36 you may have noticed the notes are slowing down. That’s because it’s the same fuckup after fuckup over and over again. I’m awestruck at how bad this is

25.06 still more of the same. This guy can’t aim to save his virtual life. Doom is supposedly ~13 hours, but this fuckup will take 40, for two levels at this rate

25.26 ok, something not the players fault, but the game just removed an enemy from existence without any reason

25.47 he has once again taken far to long to kill an enemy. This player is fucked when they meet a boss monster

26.28 not once in this entire video has an explosive barrel been ignited. Just thought you’d like to know

26.55 spoke too soon. To bad there weren’t any demons near it at all

28.29 once again, just can’t seem to figure out where those enemies are

28.47 even when an enemy pops up in front of the player he still managed to ignore it.

29.13 apparently the last 50 seconds are going to be spent staring at nothing

That’s it. At around the 29.50 mark the player activates the level end and the video cuts. I know Polygon doesn't enjoy video games, but this is a new low. Polygon can’t be counted on to properly preview a game, why should the be listened to about anything else.