Honestly, We Just Hate Women

As yet another anti-abortion bill is signed into law in this great nation, it’s time that we, men, came clean to you, women, about what we’re really up to here. You’ve raised some pointed objections to all of our logic thus far. If we were really pro-life, wouldn’t we care about the perilous maternal mortality rates in the United States? If we were really anti-abortion, wouldn’t we want to spend our resources on comprehensive sex education and contraception? If we really cared about babies, wouldn’t we support paid parental leave and government-sponsored childcare?

You know what? You’re right. We could argue with you about this but we don’t see the point in that anymore. Your voices are super-grating and it actually doesn’t matter what you say, because we don’t care. We’re tired of lying about it so we’re going to come out and say it: The truth of the matter is, we hate women.

We hate all women. Literally every single one of them. We are especially disgusted by poor women (who make us sad), gay women (who rudely refuse to be sexually attracted to us), and women of color (for obvious reasons). Even when we look at our favorite kind of woman — rich, white, teenage — we don’t see a human so much as we see a sexy object thing onto which we can project all our fantasies and desires, and also our insecurity and our rage.

We’re fathers of daughters, husbands of wives, and paramours of mistresses, but the truth is we just do not give a single solitary fuck about any of you, and we never have. Whenever we’ve looked at you with love in our eyes, that was because we were seeing you for what you truly are to us: vessels for future-sons.

We’re shocked that it has taken so many of you so long to figure this out. It continues to amaze us that you refuse to acknowledge this totally irrefutable reality. The evidence is everywhere, like crumbs after you try to eat one of those Nature Valley granola bars. Have you not seen the statistics on sexual assault and intimate partner violence? The most dangerous place for a woman is in her own freaking house, because you know who else is there? A man who will murder her. How many of you do we have to kill before you get it through your girl-brains? Is 1,800 a year not enough?

Before you get even angrier at us, we hope you can remember one thing: No matter how much we hate you, there will always be those among you who hate yourselves more than we ever could.

Some of you women are so convinced that the issue here is not what it definitely is — just to be clear: rampant, unrepentant misogyny — that you are actively aiding and abetting our bullshit. You’re out there voting to confirm Brett Kavanaugh while insisting Roe v. Wade will be just fine. You are signing the nation’s strictest abortion ban into law, and citing God to do it. To these women, we say: Thanks! We couldn’t have done this without you. Also, we hate you.