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Hey, guess what? I actually read a book! You know, those things that are like really long Cracked articles but with like 80 percent less pictures of titties? Well I tried one of those, and it was pretty good. In fact, it was fantastic! You may have even heard of it. It's called the Holy Bible. But while this book may indeed be the greatest story ever told, I looked around for a bit and I couldn't find a single review of it. Not one! That's just criminal. This book deserves way more attention than it's apparently getting, so while I may not have any of the credentials of a professional book critic--much less the education, comprehension, vocabulary or moral equilibrium--I'm going to write up a quick review anyway.

The Holy Bible: A Book Review

"First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light." With possibly one of the strongest opening lines in history, the Holy Bible really starts off swinging. Here we're not only introduced to the main character, named God,Â but are also informed that he's some sort of magical being (whether that's a vampire or a wizard or something, we don't know yet--we just know he can fly and shoot laser beams). The prose in this section is simply top notch, and you'll find that the action, atmosphere and language of the Holy Bible are carried off with a master's touch. But accompanying this impressive show of skill is also one of the book's greatest flaws: Verbosity. One of the first things they teach you in any writer's workshop is that every word in a novel should be integral to the story; never leave anything in that doesn't absolutely need to be there. So, while we as readers start the book all sweeping through demons and darkness like Ronnie James Dio--rocking out and firing lightbeams and building people out of dirt--it all quickly gets bogged down in unnecessary detail. As readers we're enthralled by the mystic action; wondering exactly what kind of creature this God is, why he has these powers and what on earth he's going to do with them, and then all of a sudden we're pulled out of the action and forced to sit idly while the author describes an entire week (day by day) in God's life. I mean, that's great and all that we're getting some backstory on his character, but honestly, what happened with paragliding through Hell? I don't really care what your Wednesdays are like, or on which days you like to rest--get back to the action! Jesus, if we wanted to hear about your day, we would read your fucking LiveJournal, almighty.