I am a trans woman and I am not . I am transphobic and I am not. Am I too queer?

This a plea to Terfs for tolerance and understanding. There is too much anger and abuse from Terfs . Yet it is they who deny the right to exist to a whole category of women … I think we should concentrate upon oppression, and not let philosophical concerns about words get in the way. I thought philosophy should be trying change the world and not just to mis-describe it and enforce patriarchy. I remain in fear and I am living a lie because of this. I have been suicidal … I want help and love, not abuse and scorn

Why I am not a trans woman? — — the words are simply wrong. I have not moved from anything at all. I have always been a female. I am a woman. So, I will support my cisters , cis woman who object to having to qualify their being a woman with the word cis. They say that they are simply women and I agree — as long as they agree with me that I also do not have to qualify my being a woman with the word trans. I am simply a woman. Once that is clear I think we can have progress. Of course WWW (women with wombs) have suffered from different types of oppression and deserve the support of other women . But they are a sub class of the large class of women. I am a WWP — a woman with a penis. I understand and will fight for the rights of WWW but I just hope that they will support the rights of all women — whatever their bodily shell. That is my definition of a real feminist: someone who will support the rights of all women and not just women who they identify with

So, let me start at the beginning. I was born as the youngest of five. I was assigned male at birth. But my sisters always treated me as one of them. I was dressed in their cast offs — dungarees, sometimes dresses when I was little, and I tumbled through my early years without coming across boys or their ways. I made cakes, nursed my dolls and had a perfect start

Primary school was hard. I was teased for being a “sissy”, but I was safe when I got home. Secondary school was a nightmare, I escaped by being a nerd — -( I was once suspended for refusing to undress in the boys changing room.!) I simply didn’t want to be with them or associate with them. I knew I was different. I knew I was female. This wasn’t a feeling, or a phase (how insulting). It was deep personal knowledge. Just asI knew I was alive, I knew I was not a boy. At that time, I didn’t have the language to express this

We must try to be tolerant of everyone. I understand that sometimes people speak of being “born in the wrong body”. That will be true for them. It was not me. I was not born into the wrong body. I have never suffered from so — called “body dysmorphia”. I like my body. It is a woman’s body. It has a penis — — just live with it (I do !)

When I went to University my life changed. I had grown into a 6’ person with a beard and a good sense of humour. My friends were all women, and I still went home every week to be with my sisters — — “sisters united” we would say.

In my second year, my best friend asked me if I was gay. I think that was because I was non threatening and spent my time with women, and shared a flat with them. I said that I would never have sex with a man because I could never “fancy one”. This was the start of my relationship with Lucy. We were together for 10 wonderful years

I could never bring myself to explain what the truth was to Lucy. I was too afraid. She came home early one night and found me experimenting with her underwear. She was surprised and asked if I was a” tranny” (I am sorry but that was her word, ) She said that she thought this was weird but that she would still love me. I tried to explain that she had got it wrong and it was just an experiment — which it was. I then explained what I had always been too scared to say. I told her that I was a woman. This was absolutely horrendous — we both cried all night. She wouldn’t let me make love to her. I explained that I was a lesbian and that I had tried to make her understand before with hints. We broke up. I love her and she loves me. But she denies my existence as a person. Her intolerance ended our life together and our hopes for a future and a family. I cry as I write this

I decided to just keep this secret but resolved that I would not lie when it came to love. Well, I did explain to Jane a university friend who was a lesbian and very right on (or so I thought). She just laughed in my face. She said you are a big strapping man. Not even a little bit camp. You are a man. I cry again . She was my friend. And this is why I use the word Terf. They say they are radical feminists but want to exclude trans woman. So, therefore, the cap fits they are T(rans) E(xclusionary) R(adical) F(eminists). If you don’t like the word then stop denying that some women exist or have basic rights

I did try on Lucy’s clothes .. but when I told her that it was the first time it was the truth. It was an experiment which just did not work for me. I am a bit of a metrosexual. I am well paid and dress well. But I just do not suit traditional female clothes. I am tall with a beard (a hipster I am afraid) and a shaved head. I go for Paul Smith suits — they are me

And I pass as a woman. Well, I do. I am a woman and this is what a woman looks like. However, no –one but me seems to realise this! So, I am called “sir” and “mr”. This is my plea for tolerance and understanding. These are terms and assumptions which should never be made. Some women are 6’ tall, bald with a beard. And we are women. I should not need to dress in dresses and wear make up to be a woman. That would be nonsense for me

Lucy has been my only girl friend. Perhaps she will be my only one. I am popular with women and with gay men (my geeky days are long gone). I don’t know why gay men make passes at me — I guess they can pick up something a little different about me. And there are straight women who have made clear that they are interested. I did almost start a relationship with a woman. We dated and had a great time. We kissed and she wanted us to make love. But, I had decided that I could not start a lie again. I told her that I wanted a relationship with her but that she had to understand that I was a woman. She thought I was just joking when I said that I was a lesbian. When she realised that this was my truth she left in tears. This broke her heart and mine

I am still incredibly close to my sisters. They still joke that I am their little sister. But I cant bring myself to tell them the truth. Rejection from them would kill me, it really would

I have tried to find a lesbian who is willing to escape the patriarchy and oppression and open her heart to a person and not just appendages. But without success. I have experimented a little with some dating sites I have been too afraid to try since my coming out to Jane. I fear that I will be only accepted even by the most woke WWW lesbian if I dressed differently, or behaved differently. But I cant. Even the most woke seem to impose expectations, and stereotypes. I am a woman, so this is how some women look. I am proud of who I am and how I look. Do I really have to lie to have a relationship either in words, or in appearance. Why cant I just be me

In my title I said that I am trans phobic and I am not. The truth is that this is a battle for me. I know I only want to have sexual relationships with women based upon the truth that I am a woman. I am a lesbian. But, shame, I do not know if I want to have a relationship with a WWP. I feel uncomfortable about this. I want to have a relationship with a WWW. This is not a hard position (excuse the pun), if I met a woman who did have a penis and we were attracted to each other then I think that I would discover tolerance and love

I have not come out at work. Men assume I am a straight man — because of Lucy I suppose and make some pretty nasty sexist comments to me. I think they think I am over woke. My friends at work are women. Work is enlightened ( a creative industry) and we have good policies — I am on the LGBTQ+ working group but I am seen as a sympathetic straight woke supporter. Trans people are well supported. But I don’t know if I would be. Even by trans people. I am just a little too queer even for them

So, I live a frightened lie. I am looking for love based upon honesty. I hope my pleas for tolerance will encourage people to be more generous about the wide range of people there are who just want the right to exist, and to love