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COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — This weekend, semi-popular alt-right commentator and YouTube content producer Jethro Bohiggins took a break from his routine backyard weekend paramilitary exercises and took his wife to see the new Marvel action film, Black Panther. The film is off to a phenomenal start at the box office, raking in $192 million in its first weekend domestically. It is the fifth largest box office opening in history.

Many are heralding the film not just as an achievement in motion pictures, but as a turning point for African American representation in the same kinds of massive budget blockbuster films that white actors have been starring in for decades. Jethro told his podcast audience Sunday night, however, that while he enjoyed the film, he left the theater “perplexed” and a “little unnerved at the Hollyweird libtards.”

“Let me ask you this, fam, just when do we get a White Panther movie? You know what would happen if we tried to make one,” Jethro asked rhetorically. “I’ll tell you what would happen. They’d tell us, ‘But the character is named Black Panther, not White Panther!’ and they’d be missing the point, which I will come up with as a rant for the next fifteen minutes about multiculturalism, Cultural Marxism, and a few other things that only mean stuff to people who are scared about white people not being the majority, fam.”

Bohiggins says that the just because the main character in the comic that the movie is based on is called Black Panther, that doesn’t make it right for the movie studio to “go shoving blackness in our faces.”

“I believe in true equality. I am truly color blind. I don’t see color,” Jethro said. “Unless I’m watching someone vote. Then you better believe I look at their skin color, because call me crazy libtards, but I don’t think we should be letting six trillion illegal Mexicans vote! COME AT ME BRO!”

Mr. Bohiggins’ wife had similar thoughts as he did about the film, Jethro says.

“And I’ll tell you what my cousin turned and said to me, out of her own mouth, okay,” Bohiggins said. “She says, Jethro, what do you think the boo hoo crybaby snowflake left would say if we created a character called White Tiger who lived in a fisckshunal virgin of America where they were the dominant ones? They’d be all, ‘WE ALREADY LIVE IN THAT COUNTRY, STUPID!’ And they’d be right, Jethro, so what do we do say back to them?”

Jethro says despite his misgivings about the lack of white representation in the film, he still would recommend his friends go see it.

“They’s guns in it,” Jethro said. “So right off the bat it ain’t too bad. Anything with guns is at least worth watching them go pew-pew! All I’m saying, fam, is that it’s okay to be a white panther too, that’s all. What if Suzie and me want our kid/cousins to grow up in a world where they think they can be superheroes? Am I just supposed to show them one of the other 99.99% of comic book movies?”

Satire like this can be found on The Pastiche Post and Alternative Facts.

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