By Ann Ivins

The way I see it, if youâ€™re a self-aggrandizing, loudmouthed peckerhead whose successful career is built on being a self-aggrandizing, loudmouthed peckerhead, the least you can do is own your own persona. Stick to your rage. Cherish your bigotry. Wrap your narcissism in swaddling cloths of steel and never ever let it go.

Thatâ€™s a little thing called â€œintegrityâ€…. and Mr. Chris Matthews, Iâ€™m talking to you. One controversial comment, a few bitchslaps from every major feminist organization (and your boss), and you fold like a pair of well-worn granny panties. Why, Chris? Why?

So… you routinely salivate while interviewing attractive female guests. So you have an obsession with castration scenarios involving powerful females. So your view of American women is limited to sweetly ignorant homemakers and demonic man-hating harpies. So what, big guy? MSNBC doesnâ€™t pay you to put on the pancake and be rational or dignified, for Godâ€™s sake. That tenuous hold on sanity youâ€™ve got going is the slimy, oozing heart of your appeal.

Oh, Chris. You didnâ€™t â€œsound likeâ€ you were claiming Hillary Clintonâ€™s entire political success was the direct result of Billâ€™s inability to keep his cigar in his pants; you were laying down your truth, baby. You were committed. Now, with this wimpy, weaseling semi-apology, youâ€™ve caved to those nut-busting feminazis â€“ and betrayed your true self. Please, please, Chris Matthews: come back to us. Find yourself again. Snarl and foam your way back into our hearts.

One thing, though: lose the public hard-on for Ann Coulter, okay? Because thatâ€™s just stank.