AMERICA celebrated last night as the Memphis Ocelots beat the Las Vegas Assholes in the Superbowl.

The match was billed as a showdown between Memphis’ star shin-quarter Rexley Halfpipe and Vegas’ ring-fencer Chest Dimebag, but both were ruled out after testing positive for French DNA.

American Footballogist Tom Logan said: “When the Ocelots pulled a ballbag in the eighth innings I thought it was game over. Thank god the judges called a Cheese Violation.

“The Assholes were at their best during the fish course, but ultimately they were outclassed by the Ocelots’ state-of-the-art metal detectors.”

The Superbowl has become famous for debuting commercials and yesterday was no exception, with WASP Menswear unveiling their new line of slip-on cardigans, modelled by former N-RON boyband member Hal Teeth.

The half-time entertainment, scheduled for two hours while officials cleared the pitch of embedded dildos and road flares, was typically spectacular as Beyonce ass-clapped the national anthem before firing a pig into orbit.