“We start texting each other.” Funny how that happens: Is it the hand of God, or perhaps an out-of-control Siri? Break the pieces of this down to help yourself understand it better: Who usually cracks first? And what can help you resist?

You say the relationship wasn’t good for you. So, by definition, it can’t be better than nothing — even if it feels that way because the inertia of being with him and not being alone was so strong. Too many times, “Let’s just keep hanging out until we meet someone new” gets in the way of doing the work it takes to recover and heal from a relationship and breakup, and having a clearer perspective about what you should be looking for instead. Clean breaks are hard. Attraction and history can be strong motivators for self-sabotaging behavior. Do what you can — deleting his number from your phone, rewarding yourself every day that passes without contact, getting your friends in on the accountability — to give yourself a chance to resist. Because what “wasn’t good” then is not going to magically become good for your future.

Will she ever let me into her life?

Q. My girlfriend is recently divorced and has custody of her children most of the time. I met her six months ago and we started dating shortly after that. But throughout these six months, I’ve seen no change in how often we can spend time together. She insists that as the children adjust to the divorce, she will be better about bringing me into their lives (I have only met them once, and they have no idea we are dating). I really want to be with her. But I also feel like, despite her promises, this isn’t progressing. —Wanting More

AD

AD

She may very well be doing what’s right for her kids, but of course that doesn’t necessarily match what you’re looking for in a relationship. Perhaps she really does have a game plan and a timeline, or she might be fooling you — or herself — about whether she’s actually ready to be involved to the level that you want.

Have you reckoned with the fact that a recently divorced mother will not always be able to put your needs first or even second, and how that’s just the way it is? Of course, you have every right to want more — but she has every right to decide that that kind of relationship doesn’t work for her right now, and perhaps she’s a better mom for doing so. The thing missing here is a clearer-eyed and more realistic picture of what each of you is really looking for and capable of giving.

Send your questions for Baggage Check to Dr. Andrea Bonior at baggage@wpost.com.