Mars is making its closest approach to Earth in 15 years, right as the full moon blushes red in the longest blood moon eclipse of the century. Mars and the moon will dominate the night hours well into the morning of July 28, separated by just five degrees. This is a once in a lifetime experience, and the perfect excuse to justify your shitty behavior; the moon affects the tides from all those miles away, so how can it not affect you when it’s doing some wacky shit? Cause the ocean is massive and we’re mostly sacks of water filled with emotions, so gotta be something to it. Totally the same thing.

However, the key to using the blood moon eclipse to justify your shitty behavior is to talk about your horoscope. To make it even easier, here are some ways the moon should affect based on your fucking birthday and how batshit crazy you can be and still get away with it. Basically, you can explain that Mars energy combined with the feminine energy of the Full Moon opposite a Leo Sun or some shit like that.

Aries

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your sociability and leadership ability. Wreck your car, burn a house down, throw rocks at pond ducks — you’re an Aries and Mars is coming, so you can be real, real crazy over this next week. Test your relationships this week. Do some really atrocious things, because Mars… or some shit.

Gemini

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your need to put logs on railroad tracks, and see what happens. Do it, because the moon will look kinda red, so you’re all good, I guess. Although you enjoy spending time with friends, you’re eager for new experiences. Have a threesome with two rad strangers, cause Mars will look super cool and be extra close to the Earth.

Taurus

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering external factors that will have an effect on your life. You might take the opportunity to learn a new skill, such as human anatomy, taxidermy, forensic analysis, firearms training, or hunting. Don’t be surprised if you are asked to teach or train an apprentice, and you end up going on some type of a cross-country spree with law enforcement hot on your trail, because the moon made you do it.

Cancer

Mars and the Full Moon energy will make you desire increased financial and material security, so go rob a bank about it. If they catch you, show them this horoscope, and drop some knowledge on their heads about the eclipse. With your relationships, commit random acts of kindness. Buy your loved ones exotic pets, get down on bended knee, and do you…you only live once. Helping vulnerable members of your neighborhood will make you a valued member of your community, but don’t forget to be kind to yourself. At the end of the day, think of at least three things you are grateful for, and also become a vigilante about it, because the moon and shit.

Leo

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your desire to build stronger and deeper relationships. Commit a crime together or do something life-threatening and dare-devilish together. The adrenaline will bring you closer. Stop worrying about looking confident or sophisticated. Instead, let people see who you really are. It will take courage to make yourself vulnerable to others, but reaching out for support will both strengthen and deepen bonds, as well as force them to keep your deepest, darkest secrets.

Virgo

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your desire to improve your health. Push yourself beyond what you think you can do. Get dropped off in the middle of the nearest desert without water. Never been skiing? Go heli-skiing for your first time and figure it out as you go. If addictive behaviors are making you unhappy, adopting healthier habits will make you feel more positive. If you need treatment for a phobia that is holding you back, ask a friend to design a horror house like in the Saw series, so you have to escape the puzzle by beating your own moral failings; because Mars is hella close to Earth, or some shit like that.

Libra

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your creativity. Friends who don’t understand your creative vision will try to nudge you in a direction that doesn’t feel right for you. End them and paint with their blood, because the moon made you do it. Be true to yourself, and continue along your path. even if you receive criticism or negative feedback.

Scorpio

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your nurturing instincts, so honestly, you should have a baby. It’ll be like the immaculate conception, but you can say the moon got you pregnant and name your baby Luna, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. You might decide to look into your family history, and this is a project you all can share. If you live alone, pay attention to your instincts and check the vents.

Sagittarius

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your curiosity and desire to learn. Leave everything behind. Move to Mexico. Start fresh. The moon made you do it cause like the tides were affecting your mood or something. Your interests are likely to put you in contact with some impressive people; and if you have ever wanted a career in the educational field, pursue it now.

Capricorn

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your need to achieve financial and emotional security. Accordingly, if he makes a lot of money, get pregnant and trap him, or find yourself a sugardaddy and/or sugarmama. Mars and the moon made you do it. Encourage your family and workmates to get rid of unwanted items. You will all feel more productive and more active when your workplace is less cluttered. At home, a neat environment will help your family to relax.

Aquarius

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be prompting you to make decisions, initiate projects, establish contacts and sow seeds. Setting long-term goals, making practical choices and keeping your thoughts positive is the best way forward. That being said, live it up. Get that bottle service, buy a table section at the club, do you, boo boo. Because at the end of the day, Mars and the moon are being all wonky and it’s messing with your head.

Pisces

Mars and the Full Moon energy will be triggering your desire to find spiritual fulfillment. Start a sex cult, because the moon made you do it. Finding out more about cultural beliefs or visiting a pilgrimage center will be fascinating. If you’re single, you could meet someone special at a cultural group, or join an organized religion.