The awful and disgusting folks at the Federal Reserve recently celebrated what they consider to be the 100th birthday of the Federal Reserve, which was voted into law on Christmas Eve, 1913 (there's nothing suspicious at all about a major piece of wealth-transferring legislation passing while most of congress and the senate are on Christmas break—nothing at all, thank you very much).

Much in the way that the US celebrates its independence on the anniversary of the day they declared independence, as opposed to the day they actually defeated the English and won their independence, the awful folks at the Federal Reserve celebrated the anniversary of a day that a handful of wealthy bankers and two politicians met in secret in Jekyll Island, Georgia with the stated goal of preventing bank collapses (and the actual goal of siphoning American wealth).

Again, just so we are clear on our history: a hundred years ago last week a handful of the world's richest bankers and two politicians met in seclusion and formed a fucking cartel. This, ladies and gentlemen, is our central bank. I really wish I was making this up.

The Federal Reserve and You: Fuck You

One of the Federal Reserve's jobs is to print US currency. That sounds like an easy job, right? I mean, you get yourself a printing press and the paper and when dude says print, you print, right?

Wrong, you simpleton. If the Federal Reserve just printed money, its member banks wouldn't get rich.

The government is more than happy to regulate your fucking diet. But the money you use to purchase the food that makes up said diet? Nah, why worry about it?You see, despite its name, the Federal Reserve is not a part of the Federal Government. Hell, it's not a part of any government. The Federal Reserve is made up of large, privately-owned banks. You probably didn't know that. That's why they called it the Federal Reserve, so you wouldn't look into it. It's not your fault. They don't teach this shit in public school either. Shocking, I know.

(Side note: Federal Express isn't government-run either, but you probably knew that because Federal Express is efficient.)

When the US government decides it "needs" money, the Federal Reserve lends Federal Reserve Notes to the government, which pays interests on the loans. That's us. All of us, paying interest on loans that benefit only an elite banking cartel. Sucks, huh? The banks regularly steal our purchasing power by increasing the money supply and they charge us for that service!

The US Congress and You: Fuck You

Congressman Ron Paul, or as I like to call him, Captain Hardcore Awesome the Light Bringer, calls the Federal Reserve the forbidden issue. He calls it that because, in United States politics, the Federal Reserve is an issue that congress is forbidden from addressing (Captain Hardcore keeps it simple, stupid).

Captain Hardcore put forth legislation to audit and eventually abolish the Federal Reserve, but that legislation was edited, crapped on, and eventually completely forgotten. Allegedly, terrorism is more important, as are oil spills, steroids in sports, and kooky dudes who want to burn Korans.

Congress has no interest in challenging the Federal Reserve. And to be honest, it's hard to make jokes about the fact that private banks have every congressman and senator without the last name Paul in their hip pockets. The United States is as corrupt a government as their ever was. But just because it's the best at corruption does not mean they should keep it up. At least in my humble opinion.

Regulation and You: Fuck You

Republicans and Democrats are both collectivists. Collectivists are people who feel that pretty much every aspect of day to day life should be under government control. Republicans and Democrats differ only in their approach to collectivism. The Republicans say they won't take your freedom and wealth and give them to the government and then they give your freedom and wealth to the government; the Democrats tell you that you'll be better off with the government taking care of you and then they take your freedom and wealth and they give them to the government. And both of these groups always respond to a crisis by saying that all future crises will be solved if we just give the government more powers to regulate private industry.

And yet, no congressman or senator not named Paul has ever even suggested that regulating the Federal Reserve would be a good idea.

Just so we're clear here: the Federal Reserve is a banking cartel made up of private banks that profit off the devaluation of the American currency and they have not once yet been considered worthy of government regulation.

Meanwhile, legislation was just passed (in the Obama Care Bill) that requires all restaurant chains to post caloric content next to all prices on all menus.

The government is more than happy to regulate your fucking diet. But the money you use to purchase the food that makes up said diet? Nah, why worry about it? Private industry is in charge of that. And they only own a third of our debt anyway. What's five trillion among friends?

Treasury Debt and You: Fuck You

The US is $17 trillion in debt. A lot of people don't understand that when we say the US is $17 trillion in debt, what we mean is that the United States printed $17 trillion worth of bonds, which are essentially promises to pay money with interest at a later date. If a country offers too much treasury debt compared to the money it has in circulation then the country goes into default and its currency loses value drastically, which results in massive inflation and poverty for the citizenry of the defaulted country (see: Greece).

Of the $17 trillion worth of debt out there, almost one trillion is held by China. The Federal Reserve, however, holds over $5 trillion in Treasury Debt. Whenever we inflate our dollar, China gets mad and freaks the hell out because they know the value of their debt instruments just decreased.

Yet the largest holder of US Treasury Debt, the bank that prints dollars, never gets even slightly peeved when they inflate the currency and devalue their own holdings. And why not? Because they own this cow from calf to plate (that sounds like an expression but it isn't one).

You see, dear reader who is patiently putting up with boring stuff, the Federal Reserve makes interest on every dollar it prints. So whenever money has to be printed to pay off treasury debt, they get a percentage. So when they go to pay themselves back on the debt instrument they bought, if they have to print money to do so, they make money. So not only do they get the interest on the debt itself, but they also get the interest on the notes necessary to make the dollars to pay themselves.

To summarize: they make money when they print the money, they make money off the investments they purchase with the money they printed, and when they go to pay themselves the money they make off their investments, they make money (when they print money again). That's a great gig if you can get it (note: you can't get it).

Conclusion: You're Fucked, You

The Federal Reserve is a private banking cartel founded in secret and pushed into law unethically; they create inflation and steal your purchasing power while getting rich; they are not regulated by the US government in any way; they make cash going in and coming out of every dollar-based arrangement they can come up with; they hold a third of our debt; and many of their member bankers were bailed out by billions of our tax dollars.

Oh yeah, and they just celebrated their hundredth birthday. I sent them a present: a steaming pile of shit in a box with a card attached that read, "Fuck you."

Ten bucks says I don't get a Thank You note in return.