Five biscuits for $10.

I’d give anything to be at the 2016 International Biscuit Festival in Knoxville, Tennessee this weekend .

Strolling down Biscuit Boulevard with a salty, country ham biscuit in one hand while keeping a watchful eye for Mr. Fuji, the arch villain of my wrestling youth who has reportedly settled down in Knoxville, would be a fine way to spend a Spring weekend in the Smoky Mountains.

Established in 2009, the big biscuit party has grown to the point where promoters now expect north of 20k attendees. If you get hungry while you’re partying at the festival you will be able to buy biscuits from Lonesome Dove, Tupelo Honey, Down South Biscuit Co., Murray’s Cheese, Southern Biscuit, Swaggery Sausage and Benton’s Country Hams.

Benton’s is the 900lb gorilla of cured meat in the Mid-South.

In a beauty competition featuring the lovely women of East Tennessee one lucky lady will be crowned Miss Biscuit and awarded a biscuit dipped in gold. A woman of Nefertiti-level beauty will surely be awarded this handsome trophy. I pray that the white slavers who have long held sway in Knox County will not catch wind of this event. Miss Biscuit spirited off to some strange foreign land and sold to the highest bidder? Nay.

There also will be a biscuit bazaar featuring “biscuit compatible” products. I’ve never seen a product that was not biscuit compatible so I’m not sure what that means.

Knoxville is one of the loveliest cities of the South. It has just enough ruin to make it interesting, it’s historical with plenty old buildings and battlegrounds, the food scene is thriving and the city sits atop a series of hills and valleys with plenty streams and rivers criss-crossing the municipality.

If you go please save room for the Knoxville-only dish ‘pigsburger’ It’s served all over town and is region-specific.

Downtown Knoxville, Tennessee

Saturday May 14th 2016