I don’t think anyone cares

I think I am the problem

I think I think too much

I am accepting this pain

Acceptance has been the only thing has given me some respite

From the constant thundering of my heart and my brain to quiet

Acceptance of the things I can’t control

That includes people’s reactions to my mood

That includes my control over their moods on me

I think I’m a failure

I think I know nothing

Every day I wake up and all I feel is worthless

The idea of being better than yesterday keeps me going

The one day when I can’t be better than myself, that will be it.

If I invest in something, I invest too much

The returns are like a fraudulent insurance money that I can never get

I feel like I’m faking depression to get people’s attention

I am tired of crying for help to the people I need

I accept that they have their own battles to fight

That I am not as big a part in their lives as I thought I was

Sometimes I feel I was used. I hope I wasn’t used.

Do I even mean something to anyone?

That someone would feel sorrow if I’m gone

They would feel a void, that I feel now for them

Maybe that’s why I run away from social media

To check if someone actually remembers me

To know if I matter

Even though I’ve done nothing great to matter.

I fear to face what I really am.

I fear to let people know what I am before I know what I am.

I push people away, but when I let them in

They push me away.

I think I was born in the wrong era, place, or age.

I don’t think I deserve my parent’s unconditional love for me

Because sometimes I see disappointment in their eyes

Sometimes I hear what I shouldn’t hear

So that becomes the only thing I hear

The only thing I believe in, forgetting every other.

I’ve hurt. I’ve broken. I’ve been a devil to some.

I’ve made them cry. I’ve made them flood tears.

I’ve made them feel like they were deranged.

So maybe I deserve it?

But if I say I deserve it am I playing the victim card?

What should I think? I try to find in role models.

Discovering in the end, they were as fucked up as I

So what is the solution?

To ignore it all and just take one day at a time

Or just take myself off one day.

I feel alone at home

They all tell me that distraction is the cure

My analysis says distraction leads to repression

And repression is the cause of what I am

What I am? Who am I?

These thoughts come in rapidity

I feel someone crushing my head

The one I cry for help tells me to deal with it alone

So I deal with it alone, crumbling one day at a time

Honesty plays in my subconscious now

Facade is what I call upon now

I convince myself that I’m God’s lonely man.

Share this: Tweet



WhatsApp

Email



Like this: Like Loading...