I found this vintage Valentine at a garage sale and I couldn’t stop looking at it because it seems weirdly and inappropriately sexual. The woman running the garage sale disagreed with my assessment so I’m sharing it here so you can see if you’re as messed up as I am:

1. Look at this girl’s feet. She’s straddling a flaming bucket labeled “MY VALENTINE.” Her vagina is literally on fire here. That’s not healthy or appropriate.

2. Why is she even burning valentines? Was it an accident? Does she like arson? Is this how she lures firemen to her home? So many questions.

3. Sometimes a hose is not a hose. Also, you’re not even aiming at the fire, sir. It’s like you’ve never even had fire training.

4. The hose seems to have a mind of its own and is spraying everywhere. The entire place is a wet spot. Plus, why does she look so excited that she’s about to get soaked? Her only expression seems to be “AWESOME. But not in my hair.”

5. That hose isn’t even attached to anything. It just winds back into the guy. And the guy is like, “LOOK AT MY MAGNIFICENT HOSE” and the girl is all, “THAT HOSE IS SPECTACULAR.” In fact, they’re both so “THIS HOSE IS EVERYTHING” that they are entirely distracted from the impending inferno and smell of burnt gingham. I suspect this valentine was drawn by a man.

6. Why is “fire” in quotes? That’s not how quotes work.

7. I realize it’s a cartoon, but that’s some mighty spermy looking water.

Conclusion: This is the most subliminally sexual valentine I’ve ever seen in my life. Or possibly it’s just me and I need to get my head out of the gutter. Also, I just noticed that the boy’s hose is pointing to the words “PUT OUT”. Yeah. My work is done here.