On a football pitch carved into a hillside in the Sussex Downs, tempers are flaring. The opposition under-12s have scored against the run of play, and their coaches are at loggerheads over whether there was a foul in the build-up. The “home” parents, meanwhile, howl their unhappiness at the referee’s decision.

The official at the centre of the controversy is barely three years older – and hardly any taller – than the players he is officiating. But he is by a distance – at this precise moment on this bright winter morning – the most mature person present. At half-time, he beckons the coaches over, then calmly addresses these supposed grownups. “Unless you cut this out right now,” he informs us, “you won’t have a referee for the second half.”

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Being an umpire or ref at any level of sport seems a thankless task. But watching my son’s 15-year-old referee defuse the tension that day made me wonder: are there techniques officials use to control a match, and discipline unruly players (and spectators), that parents would benefit from adopting? Can tactics employed by Premier League referees to control stroppy millionaire players also work on the stroppy children over whom we are forced to officiate every day?

Mike Riley is head of Professional Game Match Officials – which looks after all the Premier League’s match officials. He’s officiated for 13 stressful seasons in the top flight, but his sense of humour is still very much in evidence as we discuss the mutual skills required for refereeing and parenting (Riley has an 18-year-old daughter whose passion is music, not football).

“One of the key elements to being a successful official at this level is the ability to maintain professional detachment,” he says. “When I was refereeing, my wife would often complain: ‘You never get emotional on the pitch, but you do at home!’ Of course, with your own child you have that emotional involvement, whereas you train over a long time as a ref to stay detached in any situation. There again, if I’d shown more emotion on the pitch, perhaps I’d have had fewer rows at home …”

Riley explains that the organisation employs two full-time psychologists to work closely with the Premier League officials, as well as helping referees all the way down the football pyramid. So what’s the trick for maintaining that sense of detachment when it’s all kicking off around you – on the pitch or in the playroom?

“There are a lot of common principles in sport psychology,” he says. “For example, thought-stopping processes. Our referees learn to concentrate on what they can control, and ignore what they can’t. This helps to create that sense of professional detachment.”

Sian Massey-Ellis is particularly well-placed to draw parallels between elite-level sports stars and children – as a Premier League assistant referee, longtime PE teacher, and mother of a two-year-old. She advises that the secret to staying calm in all situations is “to focus on your next decision; don’t keep thinking about your last one. With players, it’s about knowing when to walk away from a conversation – and as a parent, that’s important too sometimes.”

You get the player who wants to be your best friend, and the player who doesn’t want to talk to you for the entire game Sian Massey-Ellis

According to Massey-Ellis, her parenting, teaching and refereeing experiences complement each other very well. “During matches, you’re working with different personalities in different ways – you get the player who wants to be your best friend, and the player who doesn’t want to talk to you for the entire game. It’s the same with teaching: you have those children in the classroom for whom you need eyes in the back of your head!”

I can’t resist asking whether today’s ever-more pampered footballers bear any resemblance to spoilt children. But Riley is quick to counter the suggestion that on-pitch behaviour is getting worse because of all the money and attention thrown at today’s players. “In the classroom, you aren’t being scrutinised by the world’s media. On the field of play you’ve got up to 30 cameras, so people have a view of every element of your behaviour. It’s a passionate sport played at 100mph – and yet the behaviour is usually very good. I think players ought to get a lot of credit for that.”

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Tom Webb is an academic based at the University of Portsmouth who has researched referees and umpires in different sports and is author of Elite Soccer Referees. He has a nine-year-old son and a five-year-old daughter and says he is “definitely aware of the crossover” between officiating and parenting. “Children and players in all sports are reading you all the time, trying to gain an advantage. As a parent, if you are uncertain in your decision-making, that can make things harder. Similarly, if a referee has any doubts about a decision, then players – certainly at the elite level – will know and take advantage.” He adds: “If a player commits an offence, they must know what the outcome is going to be. That’s not dissimilar to how you behave as a parent: the child has to know what the consequence of their action is.”

Alison Hughes, Britain’s most experienced tennis umpire, credits her parents for the advice that keeps her cool in the most stressful match situations. “Mum and Dad always told me: ‘Take three deep breaths before you make a decision.’ They brought me up to be respectful and have good manners – and I hope that comes across when I’m in the chair. If you respect the players, I think they will respect you in return. Good communication is vital.”

Hughes, a veteran of many grand slam finals, offers other lessons from the umpire’s chair that could apply to parents. “Don’t think about what might be about to happen when you make a decision – that puts extra pressure on yourself. And if someone gets into an argument with you, try to remember it’s nothing personal. The players are passionate about something they love – in that respect, it’s just like dealing with a child.”

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Massey-Ellis shares Hughes’s view about the importance of communication, at work and at home. “On the pitch,” she says, “I’ve got to be clear about what I’m saying and what decisions I’m making, and communicate that with the players. Then at home, it’s ‘How do I communicate with a toddler?’ In both cases it’s not just verbal explaining: body language and eye contact are really important too.”

According to Mike Riley, who spends a lot of time listening in on the conversations of Premier League officials: “No matter how many games you go to, or how many games you watch on TV, you never fully understand the amount of communication that goes on on a pitch. Referees and players are in constant dialogue – and the vast majority of those conversations are really positive. That’s how you build a common understanding and respect for each other.”

It’s all about setting boundaries, Riley says: “Our job as match officials is to take the laws of the game, with their clear boundaries, then apply them in any circumstances that gets the respect of both sets of players – in much the same way as parenting.

“As parents, you set out with a way you want to bring your children up – but then in any set of circumstances, your boundaries have to move slightly. And that’s the skill of refereeing: no two matches are the same, no two situations are the same. But you want boundaries that players respect, because that makes your job easier.”

Webb concedes that referees have certain advantages over parents. “At least with match officials, they’ve got a clear set of codes as guidance,” he observes. “As parents, we don’t have that. You’ll sometimes think: ‘How do I put that across without sounding too authoritarian, and keeping the children onside?’ But really, that’s what referees are trying to do as well.”

• The Premier League’s Primary Stars programme is available to every primary school in England and Wales​, for girls and boys aged 5-11 in the classroom, the playground and on the sports​ ​field