Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime:

STEP 1

After the crime occurs, take a moment to gather yourself and consider whether any of this is worth interacting with a police officer


STEP 2

Google how to place a phone call

STEP 3

When the dispatcher answers, calmly and clearly scream the details of the incident


STEP 4

Expedite the investigation by dusting for fingerprints while you wait

STEP 5

Carefully review your neighborhood’s snitching policy before speaking with any cops


STEP 6

Describe the perpetrator to police in as much detail as possible, but be sensitive when it comes to the issue of weight


STEP 7

If you haven’t already, now’s a good time to tell them how fast it all happened

STEP 8

Write a Facebook post about the entire ordeal, making sure to repeatedly emphasize that you’re fine, but that it really made you stop and think about how lucky you are, and that you’re just so thankful for all your friends


STEP 9

Some sort of reward for all this trouble, presumably