Why I Think I Should Marry a Rich Man

Obstacles to overcome: my personality and physical appearance

So, being raised all like, feministy and shit I was always taught I was supposed to be independent. Make my own money! Have my own career! But, having my own career is super depressing. On top of the fact that I won’t earn as much as my male peers, will not be promoted as much as my male peers, will not be taken as seriously as my male peers, and will generally be found to be more grating than my male peers, careers also happen to be brainwashing tools of the capitalist patriarchy.

Most people have useless jobs, doing useless things for the machine. Especially most people who make serious money, because the people with the most useful jobs (you know, teachers/nurses/etc.) get paid less because it’s presumed that an additional benefit they accrue from their work is “meaning.” This is the way it needs to be; if people had too much leisure time, they’d revolt. Working 8 (10? 12?) hour days changes your mindset; essentially, you think about work (or, avoiding work, or avoiding being caught for avoiding work) all day and then when you get home at night you’re too tired to think of anything dangerous. You know, like plans for how to overthrow the capitalist patriarchy.

But, I really like having time to dream up plans to overthrow the capitalist patriarchy. However, I only have so much savings and when that runs through, I’m going to need a backup plan. Hence: plan marry rich man.

There are some downsides to marrying a rich man, but upon deeper consideration, I think those downsides pale in comparison to the downsides of continuing in the workforce.

I will not be respected as a “trophy wife.” So, ignoring for a moment that I may not be hot enough to be a trophy wife, this downside of everyone thinking I’m some dumb blonde doesn’t seem so bad. (Note to self: dye hair blonde.) I’m already not respected at work, and I also have to work. In fact, I have to basically work twice as hard as my male colleagues to be disrespected twice as much for 3/4 the pay. At least this way, I get some fat $$$ and I can dick off all day as recompense for my lack of societal respect. I will have to perform unpaid emotional labor for my emotionally stunted husband. So, this is actually mis-phrased. I’m expected to perform unpaid emotional labor for my emotionally stunted male colleagues all the time, while also having to generate the same amount of programming output that they do. If I were married to a rich man, I’d be officially “unpaid” for the emotional labor I’d give to my husband, but functionally, the hourly rate for my emotional labor would trump the wage of the fanciest therapist. It would just all be laundered through the marriage. I will ultimately get dumped for a younger version of myself. This definitely falls into the category “feature, not bug.” Assuming I sign no pre-nup (or, one that says we’ll like, split our assets accrued while I raise the children) I will ideally end up with enough money to die on. I’m not a greedy woman. I don’t need to be “rich” — I just need to not work. So, when my husband has his mid life crisis and gets a new “hot piece of ass”, I’ll “later in life lezzie” it up and we can amicably part ways. I’ll even high five him out the door. He may not find middle aged women hot, but I sure as hell do. I will be perpetuating the patriarchy. Women devoting the bulk of their work energy to benefit corporations controlled by white men perpetuates the patriarchy LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. The #1 thing women need is space and time to think about the things that are important to them. Space and time for their own projects. Hell, if I’m extra charming and I have some like, well educated liberal rich guy I may even be able to convince him to contribute money towards my insane feminist causes. If not, well, at least I’ll have my time and labor.

So — am I serious? Sort of. Truthfully, it’s probably too late for me. I’m not hot enough, have no interest in becoming hot enough, and I’m kind of a bitch/troll. Additionally, “wealth” doesn’t turn me on so unless I find a hot rich guy I’d be signing up for a life of terrible sex which I’m not willing to do (and, landing a hot rich guy is probably damn near impossible.)

But, maybe it’s not too late for you! Are you young and hot? Do dollar bills get you wetter than…. uh… some really wet socks? (Sorry — couldn’t think of a really wet thing that wasn’t “water.”) Are you very feminist? You should really consider marrying a rich guy!

The current feminist rhetoric of trying to out-men men is, I believe, seriously misguided. We have achieved a type of feminist parity ideologically, with the belief that “women can do anything men can do” but have not achieved the historical goal of respecting the accomplishments of women over time. The work women did, traditionally “feminine” work, is still respected less than the historically “masculine” work men did. But, the work women did was so important and we’re just starting to see how important it was now that no one is doing it.

Maybe it’s just me, but it feels like the world’s gotten cold. It feels like we value people for the output they produce, not the love they bring. It feels like “nurturing” has gone out the window as we send our kids through schools that are becoming more and more factory-esque. We are more lonely now than ever before, and everyone blames technology, but I blame the lack of housewives. The people who were responsible for nurturing and caring, the people who were responsible for maintaining social connections, have been sent into the coal mines because we didn’t value them. Because we disrespected them and humiliated them. And we’re all suffering for it.

Additionally, housewives have made tremendous contributions in history; feminist history included! First and second wave feminism were, basically, run by housewives — or — wealthy women who had the time to devote to activism. And, that’s not enough. We need to include more marginalized women, more poor women but wealthy women could help with this. Wealthy women could help with forming new structures to support less privileged women to give them the space and stability to create cultural works. Wealthy women could help bring back the values of nurturing and caring, so that it’s not shameful to be kind.

Capitalism has spread it’s dirty little tentacles into feminist theory and convinced women that, like men, they are only as valuable as the goods they produce. DON’T BELIEVE IT! That way lies loneliness. You are valuable for the love you bring, and the love you take. You are valuable for the people you connect with. You are valuable for just being your wonderful self. And, I think women shouldn’t be afraid to take on more traditionally feminine roles, dependent roles, that will help us generate a kinder society.

And, I certainly don’t think being a housewife is any less feminist than working as a cog in the patriarchal capitalist system. What we need is to create a culture where the needs of women are respected and met. Right now, they’re not — and we need to find the shortest means to that end. Now, you may think this is essay flies in contradiction to my previous essay (if you read it, which you probably didn’t) Why Straight White Women Perpetuate the Patriarchy but it doesn’t. In that essay, I argued most women functionally advance in their careers through the help of their husbands because the patriarchy is still alive and well.

In this one, I’m saying if you’re going to be reliant on your husband anyway, you may as well go all in. Don’t get a job for the man because you need to feel “respected” — work on some radical shit if you have the time and space to do so. Don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, produce cultural works of feminine power. Help other women produce cultural works of feminine power. Even if it ends up being Twilight, that’s fine. More women producing culture will change the world. For the better. So, do whatever you need to do to produce your own shit, not other people’s shit.

Thing is, end of the day, most of us are going to be sucking dick for the man anyway. May as well be a man you love.