Secret Circle is back and so is my obligation to provide my wife with something to read on this site!

is back from its December break and with it comes the breakneck plot twists and monotone dialogue we've come to love and expect from everyone's favorite CW show about teenaged witches. Ready for a bunch of spoilers about "Darkness"? Good, now check out our Secret Circle recap. (These two sentences were certainly not added to bring in google hits. Not at all.)"Darkness" opens up with Cassie laying in bed, recovering from her latest kidnapping. Jake, her witch hunter heartthrob last seen leaving Chance Harbor in a boat, arrives in her room and notes that Cassie's house is always unlocked, allowing anyone easy access into Cassie's bedroom. Jake warns Cassie that she's evil due to her father being John Blackwall, who we are reminded was a very bad dude. Cassie, visibly upset by Jake's insistence that she's a dark witch, kills Jake for his insolence. Unfortunately, Cassie wakes up and discovers that it's just a dream. Important to note, however, is that Cassie apparently likes to sleep with a bra on. My wife pointed out that this is a clear sign that Cassie probably likes being in pain and is that Dream Jake is probably right about Cassie's evilness.Adam arrives the next morning and bugs Cassie about her avoiding her friends. "Come on, Cassie, it's been two days since someone's kidnapped you!" he complains. Cassie reveals that she's been avoiding people due to her heritage and swears Adam to secrecy. That'll last long on this show.Meanwhile, Diana's grandmother Kate shows up, supposedly worried about Diana's recent breakup with Adam. Diana tells Kate that her father Charles is currently seeing Faye's mother Dawn. Kate mentions that Charles used to have a crush on Dawn back in the day and gently reminds Charles that he's a crappy father for not knowing that Diana and her boyfriend of five years had just broken up.That day, at school (yay, token school scene! We need one of these per episode to remind everyone that these kids do something besides travel and get kidnapped), Faye confronts Melissa (whose name I had forgotten) about continuing to mope over her boyfriend's Nick's death. Nick's been dead for a month now, Melissa, get over him! Faye convinces Melissa to help her out in a scheme to make Faye more powerful.While Faye attempts to jerk Melissa out of her funk, Kate shows up to confront Dawn, suspicious about all the recent going-ons at Chance Harbor. Between Henry's death and Jane's nuerological problems, something fishy is going on and Kate reveals that she plans to get to the bottom of it.Back at Secret Circle Headquarters, Adam browses the Internet for information about black magic. Diana walks in and quickly guesses that Adam's researching the dark arts for Cassie. As Adam attempts to explain why Cassie needs to know about the dark arts, Cassie shows up and gets upset about Adam's betrayal. Remember, just because the show is called Secret Circle, doesn't mean any of the characters can keep secrets. "I find your lack of secret-keeping...disturbing," Cassie says as she unknowingly begins to magically choke Adam in anger. However, she realizes what she's doing and quickly stops. The rest of the circle convenes and agrees that Cassie is a bit of a spaz, causing Cassie to run out after apologizing to Adam.While the Circle ponder over who Cassie will choke next, Dawn and Charles meet up on the top of a hill and decide what to do about Kate. Dawn wants to up the body count on the show, but Charles is really concerned about what another needless death would do to the ratings and convinces her to let him handle it.Back in Cassie's room, Cassie attempts to make an attraction spell to lure Jake back to town. Diana walks in (seriously, Cassie, it's called a lock. Use it.) and reminds Cassie that Jake is a witchhunter. "But, Diana!" Cassie protests "He likes getting choked a bit when we make out!" Anyways, Diana insists that Cassie not sleep alone that night and invites her over for a sleepover.When Cassie arrives at Diana's house, Dawn also shows up and invites her in for one of the most awkward dinners ever portrayed on the CW. At dinner, Kate hints that she knows that something is up with Cassie. Charles becomes convinced that Dawn has poisoned his mother's wine. As Dawn opens the wine bottle and pours it forebodingly, Charles intervenes and pours all the wine out in the kitchen. Dawn tells Charles that her motivation to come to dinner wasn't to kill Kate, but just to prove to Kate that she's not a woman to be trifled with. Damn it, Charles! You just wasted a perfectly good bottle of wine.While the rest of the cast are enjoying their dinner of awkwardness, Faye and Melissa arrive at Lee LeBeque's house. Lee is a connoisseur of the voodoo arts and Faye thinks that he might be able to help her increase her powers. Lee knows all of this because she read about him on the Internet. Lee turns out to be a cute boy and agrees to perform a voodoo ritual on Faye. The ritual involves partially undressing Faye and drawing stars on her boobs, with blood so Faye enthusiastically agrees.Back at Diana's house, Cassie and Diana climb into bed together to enjoy each other's company overnight. (Note: Cassie's wearing her bra to bed again.) Adam starts throwing rocks at the window, exciting Diana as they've used the same, complex rock throwing code since the sixth grade. Once upstairs, Adam reveals that he's not there to see Diana but instead to apologize to Cassie for revealing her secret to the group. He then leaves, leaving Cassie and Diana to share a bed together while thinking dirty thoughts about the mopey boy who talks like Christian Bale in The Dark Knight. Later that night, Cassie wakes up and goes downstairs to enjoy a glass of orange juice. She bumps into Kate, who reveals that she knows about Cassie's dark magic and offers to do a spell to cleanse her of it.The next day, Cassie and Kate head out to the woods to perform the Dark Magic cleaning ritual. However, Diana discovers mandrake in Kate's luggage and tells Adam that she thinks Kate is going to try to kill Cassie. Sure enough, the ritual is a trap and Cassie finds herself imprisoned yet again after she breaks a branch of elderberry. Kate explains that the only way to get rid of dark magic is by killing her and buries her in the woods. However, Cassie is too powerful for a puny box of wood and uses her magic to bust out, just in time for Diana and Adam to find her.Faye discovers that Lee's spell was fake and attempts to recruit Melissa to help her wreak hell upon the fake voodooist. Melissa declines, leaving Faye to drive out and trash Lee's garage on her own. Lee arrives and reveals that he knows that Faye is the real deal and offers to help her for real this time. I bet this will have consequences for next episode!Kate discovers that her ritual didn't work and attempts to leave town in a hurry. Charles confronts his mother and learns about Kate's murder attempt. Charles threatens to tell the Elders, but Kate reveals that she knows about his involvement in Henry's death and Jane's mental issues. She tells Charles that she was testing Cassie to make sure she was the one who can tip the balance between good and evil. She also encourages Charles not to be a sap and start making better decisions before leaving town for good.As Cassie recovers from her fourth abduction this season, she tells Diana that using her dark power felt good. "It starts unfocused, and then it builds up and then it blows." Cassie explains to the thousands of teenagers watching who don't know what an orgasm feels like. As Diana asks Cassie how powerful she is, the show ends by revealing that Jake is outside, creeping in the shadows looking at Cassie.So what did we learn on the show tonight? Cassie likes to choke people, Adam doesn't mind being choked, Charles has mother issues, Faye will believe anything she reads on the Internet, Dawn doesn't like to use wine to kill people and Melissa really needs to get some better storylines.Written or Contributed by: Christian Hoffer