In their never-ending quest for cultural dominance, money, and resources, sooner or later, feminists will assault your business.

If you are in a business that caters to women you are a prime target but even businesses that only tangentially involve women – like urology, precious gem prospecting, and monster trucks – are not safe from feminist incursion. Feminists have even infiltrated the National Football League (NFL) in the United States and are worming their way into every aspect of it.

Watching the rugged men of the NFL flail about trying to appease abusive feminists is cringe-worthy: the more concessions the NFL makes, the more emboldened feminists become. From players wearing humiliating pink garb in October to overreactions to allegations of domestic violence by players, the NFL seems determined to abase themselves and their players in the vain hope of magically warding themselves from a dragon with endless hunger and no compassion nor understanding of men.

Of course, feminists not only reacted cynically to the NFL’s efforts but they are now going after the NFL’s official beer sponsor, Anheuser-Busch, makers of Budweiser and Bud Light, who had actually supported feminists in their NFL assault!

If the Budweiser folks thought that they were protecting themselves by allying themselves with feminists, they were dead wrong. Feminists are now claiming, bizarrely, that Budweiser’s new advertising slogan “The perfect beer for whatever happens” and the associated hashtag #UpForWhatever encourages rape! Noah Rothman at Hot Air has a great summary of the crazy situation.

Spanx, the bodywear company started by a woman and with a new woman CEO, is trying to placate feminists (and make inroads into their obese clothing purchases) by toadying to them – the company is rebranding as “feminist” and is placing girly-ish empowerment messages in their packaging. One such message is the fluffy and irrational “Don’t take yourself or the ‘rules’ too seriously.”

Naturally, feminists replied to this outreach with snark and cynicism.

From the NFL, Budweiser and Spanx case studies we can derive three general principles for dealing with feminists:

1. Feminists cannot be placated nor appeased. It is both pointless and counter-productive to try.

2. Feminists are not your friends and they can’t be befriended.

3. You cannot become feminists’ ally by supporting them.

In short: don’t feed the dragon and don’t try to ally with the dragon. These are mistakes that show the dragon that you are weak and easily consumed. Dragons love that.

Now, dragons seem large and powerful but like dragons themselves, this is imaginary.

In reality, feminists are lazy, irrational and mercurial. Their attention spans are short and like all hyperactive, low intelligence people they get bored easily. They crave attention and quickly get frustrated and move on when they get none. When they can’t be bossy they leave in a sour lipid huff.

In 2013 a small beer brewery in Dallas a few blocks from my home had a problem similar to what Budweiser is experiencing now. The Deep Ellum Brewery’s flagship beer “Dallas Blonde” came with the cheeky slogan “goes down easy.”

Feminists were outraged – a double entendre about oral sex must be evidence of rape culture, right? After seeming to cave to feminists initially, Deep Ellum Brewery eventually came up with the perfect reply – a polite but firm fuck off, feminists:

To those who have been offended by this glorified blowjob joke, I am sorry. Lesson learned. To those who have likened this to rape culture or tried to cheapen this to just some sexist asshole trying to sell beer, shame on you. Just as we don’t need cheap tricks to sell our beer, you don’t need cheap tricks to push your agenda.

Sure enough, after a few more sputtering, indignant remarks, feminists got frustrated, then bored, and moved off to find weaker targets to attack. Crisis averted, dragon slain.

As an aside – Deep Ellum Brewery just released their summer seasonal beer, Neato Bandito. It has both Czech and Mexican roots and is a delicious quaffing beer with notes of toasted corn. It is available now through the end of August and if you can find it, you’ll enjoy it – it puts mass-produced Mexican beers to shame.

Back to dealing with feminists.

From the Deep Ellum Brewery case study, we can formulate the 4th principle for dealing with feminists:

4. Feminists are lazy, stupid and weak. Tell them, politely but firmly, to fuck off.

The Budweiser folks will save themselves much trouble if they adopt this tactic. People hate feminists – even other feminists hate feminists – and people will cheer Anheuser-Busch if they show some spine and face down the feminist bullies like the Dallas Deep Ellum Brewery did.

But in business, it is not enough to just slay dragons – one can loot their treasures and feast on their flesh.

Consider the case of another feminist target, Protein World, maker of protein powder dietary supplements for people who care about how their bodies look. Protein World started a limited marketing campaign with a fit girl in a bikini that pissed off lardy feminists. Instead of retreating and placating, Protein World decided to tweak feminist sensibilities further and the results were covered brilliantly by Janet Bloomfield:

In reacting to #ProteinWorld with their typical idiocy and hysterics, feminists succeeded in taking a targeted ad campaign that ran in the UK and making it famous around the world, driving extraordinary and completely unexpected sales to Protein World. The end result is that they have made bikini girl famous around the world and dropped several million dollars worth of sales into a company they would like to blow up with a bomb. Seriously, you dumbass feminists? Did you not see that coming?

From this we can formulate the fifth principle of dealing with feminists:

5. People hate feminists so much that they will flock to your product if you are publicly unperturbed or even jokingly hostile in response to feminist assaults.

Management consultants charge large fees to companies like Anheuser-Busch to produce less effective reports than this one. So, NFL, Budweiser and Spanx, if you want to give a few shekels to A Voice for Men, I’m pretty sure Paul Elam wouldn’t mind.

You’re welcome.