Katie has never wanted Facebook more than now. Not to check on her friends, or to play Farmville, but to friend request Ciera Eastin, and to check that all important ‘personal information,’ hoping to see ‘interested in women.’

That’s been Katie’s strategy in real life: after discovering the embarrassing disfunctionality of her gaydar early in life, Katie relies on technology to get a date. Meet a cute girl, look her up on Facebook, find out if she plays for your team before asking her out.

But now, on an island in the middle of nowhere, Katie has had her Facebook fallback pulled out from under her. She hasn’t a clue in the world if her connection with Ciera is just friendship or something more. It’s times like these, when Ciera and Katie have just woken up, that Katie allows her mind to wander. And it’s times like now, as Katie and Ciera sit on the beach, alone, watching the sunset, that Katie has to consciously stop herself from kissing her. At moments like this, Katie reminds herself, the reasons why she can’t, why she shouldn’t, why she won’t.

1. She’s probably straight. Even with her unreliable gaydar, Ciera shows all the signs of being an unobtainable heterosexual. Early in the game, when Ciera’s talking about her crush on Bradley Cooper, Katie pretty much gives up hope that Ciera will ever have interest in her.

2. Mom doesn’t know. (yet.) Yes Katie hasn’t told her, but she didn’t imagine her sexuality coming into play in Survivor. And coming out isn’t something she wants to do on national television. No matter how cute Ciera is, her relationship with her mom is more important.

3. It could ruin their friendship—and their alliance. It’s no secret that Katie and Ciera are at the bottom of the totem pole. In a constantly losing tribe with a male majority alliance, all Katie and Ciera have is each other. A romantic advance could drive a wedge in her only alliance. And Katie doesn’t want to be alone in this game. Isolated on an island in the Philippines, it’s nice having someone to talk to, even if you can’t kiss her like you’d like to.

And her feelings for Ciera are surely 4. just the stress of Survivor. Stressful situations often magnify feelings—that’s why steamy showmances rarely succeed in real life. Even on the Batchelor, where romance is the point of the show, success stories are few and far between. So if anything did happen, I’d probably crash and burn when they left the game. And it’d be a killer to her game, because 5. Showmances are huge targets, and her doomed-to-fail showmance could get her voted out sooner rather than later. With a million dollars on the line, Ciera and her cute dimples just aren’t worth it.

6. It’s a game. Ciera’s not as dumb as their tribe likes to think she is. If she felt it was beneficial to her game, Ciera could pretend to reciprocate Katie’s feelings. Katie wishes she could say she’d see through a façade like that, but Katie rational mind is usually dampened whenever Ciera’s around.

Then on day 14, the day after their first victory, they’re at the Redemption Island duel. Of course Ciera’s upset to see her mom there, but Laura wins, Ciera is relieved, and John and Laura return to Redemption Island.

Then Jeff announces the tribe swap, and Katie’s stomach goes into knots. As nice as it would be to be with her Mom, after 14 days, Katie can’t imagine life in the Philippines without Ciera.

Ciera and Katie pull their buffs at the same time, and Katie does her best to hide how her heart drops. Now she’s on the same tribe as her mother, who’s positively ecstatic, and Ciera is now the only woman in a tribe of men. She’ll be happy there, surely. Katie comes to terms with the fact that her game with Ciera is likely over.

Their alliance was nothing but one of convenience. Who was she kidding? Now in new tribes, Ciera would find new, better alliances. Katie should do the same. This is a game. Katie came to win, Ciera came to win. That’s all it ever will be.

Even in the company of her mom, Katie feels more alone than ever. In an all-girls alliance, Katie is in the safest place she’s been so far in the game. But she can’t help but worry about Ciera, once again in a tribe made primarily of men. Except this time, without Katie.

But soon enough, the game is thrown for another loop when Jeff announces the merge, and ‘blood and water finally mix.’ And Katie is left with a decision: stay in her alliance with her mom and the women of Galang—or try to reunite with Ciera and go forward from there.

The answer is clear. She’s safe, secure in her girls’ alliance; it’s not worth it for her game to chase after Ciera. Katie can’t let her school-girl crush get in the way of beating her mom to the million dollar prize. As much as her heart may protest, she has to do what’s best for her game.

Sharing a camp, Ciera and Katie start talking again. It’ll take more than a few days on separate tribes to vaporize their friendship. As for their alliance—Katie’s not so sure. Ciera never brings up gameplay in their conversations, so Katie assumes their days of playing this game together are over.

However, soon, Katie realizes Ciera may not have been talking gameplay with her for a completely different reason. At the first tribal council of Kasama, Katie watches in shock as Jeff snuffs her mom’s torch, a complete blindside. Her mother, her main connection to her alliance, is now gone. Katie’s never felt more alone in this game.

Katie barely sleeps that night. She wakes long before the others, and goes out to the beach, to watch the sun rise and to be alone with her thoughts.

She’s not sure how long she sits there before she hears footsteps.

“Hey.”

It’s Ciera.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

Katie shakes her head and smiles, and Ciera sits down on the sand next to Katie.

“I’m sorry about last night.”

Katie does her best to shrug it off.

“It’s a game. You did what you had to do.”

“It was either your mom or my mom, I—”

“I’m not mad at you, Ciera.” Katie says, turning, meeting Ciera’s eyes.

It’s like that day on the beach, back at Tadhana, the dull orange light on Ciera’s face, her lips so enticing. Except this time, Ciera moves toward her. It happens in slow motion, yet it is over before Katie can respond. Ciera presses her lips against Katie’s. Quick and chaste, over before it starts.

When Ciera pulls away, Katie can see the panic in her eyes. Katie acts on instinct, pulling Ciera back in for another kiss.

Out of the corner of her eye, Katie sees a camera filming the entire exchange, but she can’t bring herself to care, because she’s kissing Ciera, the girl she’s been fantasizing about for the past 20 days. The game, her mom, the world, could wait.

Katie and Ciera stay there on the beach as the sun rises.

“We should head back before everyone else wakes up.”

“Yeah.”

Ciera stands, and extends her hand to Katie; she pulls her to her feet. Katie and Ciera share one last kiss before heading back towards camp.

Katie has no idea what this means, where Ciera’s intentions lie, if this will mean anything by tomorrow. But all that can wait. For now, Katie can enjoy Ciera’s hand in hers, and the memory of Ciera’s lips.