Four months ago I found out my husband had a many months-long sexting affair with a woman before, during, and after my difficult pregnancy with our twins. Seven days later our son Hart was diagnosed with a life-long brain injury called PVL (more on that here) that will affect every aspect of his life for the rest of his life. During this difficult time my closest family and friends rallied behind me when I told them I wanted to do everything in my power to address Hart’s diagnosis while also trying to save my marriage. Consequently, my family and friends reached out to Jim on their own accord and let him know they supported our marriage, they love him, and they hope he puts forth the effort to fix it. Alternatively, his family and closest friends did not reach out to me—the one who was betrayed, the one who had to read on the internet that her husband paid his virtual mistress hush money in an attempt to bury the truth. Instead, every last one of them isolated me and some went so far as to blame me for his sexting (“If you didn’t write that blog then…!” “If you didn’t have such a following then…!” “If you were never on that show then…!”). Moreover I didn’t even get a single message or phone call of support or concern regarding our brain-injured child. I was in shock. Not only was I going through the hardest time in my life but I was being blamed for it! It was heartbreaking to realize that I did not have the love or support of Jim’s family – instead they were actively ignoring me or trying to further sabotage our marriage. Family dynamics are complicated – ours more so than most – but I still expected more from them. That hurt.

And the hurt continues. Anyone who has lived through infidelity knows how difficult it is to overcome and regain a strong marriage. It requires both people to be all in. It requires the betrayer to put in the time and effort to repair the trust that was broken. To be fully open and transparent. Sadly, that’s not what happened here. Out of respect for my children and my family, I find it unnecessary to go into all the gritty details. What I will say is that, in the wake of the sexting situation, my husband was drinking and partying with much younger women, including several of our babysitters, and I found this gallivanting inappropriate, immature, and downright odd. While I initially wrote it off because during several of these outings, his 22-year-old daughter was present, given his previous indiscretions, I was uncomfortable. Even more so when he started lying about where he was going or who he was going with—and deleting entire text conversations on his phone with several of these young women. (For the record, after the sexting affair he had agreed with our therapist that he would be totally transparent and never delete messages or conversations and he would also keep his location available on his phone.) And when I learned of a particular outing with a babysitter, this time, to a hockey game, that Jim repeatedly lied about, I asked him to include me on all future texts with this sitter but he said, “No.” Another major red flag.

To be clear, I don’t know if Jim slept with our babysitter or whether they were just being exceedingly inappropriate by hanging out socially without either of them telling me (and Jim expressly lying to me about it). I’ve gone back and forth with my thoughts for a couple days but as I write this, I don’t think he did. But I still don’t understand why he’d lie. And why would she lie?

Last Friday—the same day I confronted Jim and one of our babysitters—I got a call from a reporter, telling me he had a story and was releasing it. “What?! He’s divorcing me?!” This is the first I had heard of it. Ten minutes later it was all over the world wide web. Two points for me: I’ve now found out that my husband cheated on me (re: the sexting scandal) AND that he was divorcing me via the tabloids. (Turn knife in heart a little more.) I called my speed-dial lawyers: my dad, my best friend, and my cousin. “Check casenet! I read that Jimmy is divorcing me!” They couldn’t find anything. How did this tabloid have so much personal information? How did it know Jim had filed for divorce? Information that – to my knowledge – only Jim and his lawyer were privy to. Once again, the tabloids knew more about my marriage than I did.

I have largely kept mum on this until now. I posted a selfie captioned “so raw” and I did a thumbs up emoji under a comment stating “Judging by Jim’s instagram, I’m guessing it’s Nanny Carly whom he posted NINE photos of 11 months ago.” But I NEVER made one public statement, allegation, accusation, or otherwise. Let’s get that REAL STRAIGHT.

I’m disgusted by what has surfaced in the media. I love my husband and I’m devastated that our marriage is being broken up in the ugliest and messiest way. I am sad that members of Jim’s family are reveling in our demise. And I am saddest for the children. My step kids, Landon and Sutton, have lost a stepmother whom they love and will have to endure another divorce and broken home in their short lifetime. And my three babies who will likely never remember their parents being married.

I haven’t said anything to the media because I believe some things need to be kept private (the irony of being an influencer and saying this is not lost on me). But I feel as if my hand has been forced.

I am broken for my family. I am buried in despair. I cry at the drop of a hat. But I am enduring. I will set an example for my children and I will teach them to love and respect people while also knowing how to condone unethical or wrong behavior. I will facilitate healthy, consistent, and ongoing relationships with their father and with his family despite the hurt I feel from them because my children should not reap the karma of my personal situations.

Someone sent me this:

When you’re in a dark place you sometimes tend to think you’ve been buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted. Bloom.