CHICAGO—Visiting for the first time in his young life, 9-year-old Jacob Tendering was reportedly shown the field where his favorite team, the Chicago Cubs, suck every home game of the year, sources confirmed Wednesday. “That’s the place where all the shittiness happens,” said the child’s father, Lee Tendering, adding that the Cubs have been fucking up at Wrigley Field for almost 100 years. “Your grandpa used to take me here to watch the Cubs suck when I was a boy, and hopefully someday you’ll bring your son here to watch the Cubs suck.” At press time, Jacob’s father was fondly recalling how it was much cheaper to watch the Cubs suck back then.

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