Jeff asks:

Recently my

girlfriend and I have become more sexually active. We’ve agreed not to

have intercourse, but to do everything else. Along with our discussions

came the issue of masturbation. We both do it, but she never achieves

orgasm through it. She hates that I do it, although I’ve explained it

is natural and healthy for guys and does not affect anything we do and

does not make her less important. I do not know really how to approach

the issue to make her feel better.

Heather replies:

Masturbation

is natural and in no way unhealthy for men or women if and when it is what

someone wants for themselves. It’s also not something that’s just okay

or healthy for guys, or more healthy or okay for men than for women.

It’s something that the majority of both men and women do and report they feel it benefits them and their sexuality.

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Does absolutely everyone masturbate? No. Some men don’t, some women

don’t. Though many people do reach orgasm through masturbation, not

everyone reaches orgasm from masturbation (or sex with a partner), all

or some of the time. And it will sometimes take some people longer to

get to that point with their masturbation or with a partner than it

will for others.

I hear your girlfriend carrying around a big double-standard here:

it can be okay for her to do it, but not you. Even if she wasn’t okay

with it for herself, that still wouldn’t make it okay for her to dump

on your masturbation based on what she likes or doesn’t for herself.

Just because you enjoy it more than she does, or reach orgasm from

it when she doesn’t does not somehow make your masturbation

intrinsically different than hers. You’re both doing the same thing:

she just hasn’t come yet. That’s the only difference I can see based on

what you’ve told me.

I do not think anyone should feel, or be made to feel, guilty about

masturbation. It’s something even infants or toddlers often do — even

though infant and child sexuality is a very different thing than teen

or adult sexuality — and is no less about primarily comforting and

relaxing ourselves than taking a long bath, getting a massage or having

a cup of hot cocoa is. If you love yourself, you don’t withhold love

from a partner because of self-love. In fact, having a strong love for

yourself better enables you to love others and to do so more fully. I’d

say the same about masturbation.

What I’d suggest in talking to her about this is starting by addressing that sex with a partner is us sharing

our sexuality — a sexuality we possess with or without a partner —

not something we are giving a partner full ownership of. If she just

full-stop owned your sexuality, that’d be a lot less meaningful than

you willingly choosing to share it with her. If she’s seeking to try

and control what you do, all by yourself and with no one else, with

your body, that’s just plain out of bounds and unhealthy. As well, if

the sex you were having with her was driven by when you just needed to

get your ya-yas out (which is more what masturbation is for), rather

than when you wanted to create a unique and shared experience of

pleasure and bonding, and only when you BOTH wanted to do that

together, your sexual life together would not likely be as good as it

could be. You don’t withhold anything from her by masturbating: you

bring you to her when you have sex together, and not masturbating

wouldn’t somehow result in you having more of you available.

What is it she "hates" about masturbation or your masturbation? What

makes yours seem different to her than hers does? Might she be

projecting something unto your masturbation because she isn’t enjoying

hers or reaching orgasm through hers? If and when she does reach orgasm

on her own with masturbation, does she think she’ll feel the same way,

or that she might feel differently? (Is she reaching orgasm with you?

If not, you might want to ask if that has anything to do with this,

too.) What does she feel like her attitudes about her own masturbation

are? How did she grow up thinking about masturbation? How about her

attitudes about male sexuality in general? How does she rectify this

double-standard? How does she think you masturbating or not

masturbating does or doesn’t impact the sex you have together? These

are all the kinds of questions I’d ask her to try and both better

understand how she feels, and for her to feel heard. They should also

help her clarify what she’s thinking and identify flaws or logical

flaws in the way she’s thinking.

But honestly, whatever is going on, since the overwhelming majority

of people masturbate, she’s very unlikely to have any partner in her

life who doesn’t masturbate, so she will very likely need to find a way

to accept masturbation as something her partners will all probably do.

Most frequently, if we feel sexual desire for others and have a sexual

life with others, we’re going to also have sexual feelings independent

of other people too, and a solo sex life of our own.

Until she gets to that point — and not knowing what her issues

really are or where they’re coming from, I can’t say if that will take

months or years — it’s fair to ask her to stop endlessly voicing how

much she hates your masturbation to you. Through all of your talks

about this, I would be very clear that if you two are going to have an

intimate relationship, she will need to find a way to accept and be

okay with you masturbating in time, and that when she talks to you

about masturbation, she needs to do so respectfully and without putting

you down. Not only is it going to be pretty hard to feel healthy

sexually with someone saying those kinds of things and having that

attitude, it’s bound to just be negative for you period, and to leave

you feeling pretty lousy about yourself, even if you know, in your

guts, that masturbation is common, healthy and okay.

When we have a sexual partner, even if they don’t share desires we

have, so long as they are not pressuring or forcing us to participate

in them themselves, or are breaking rules we agreed to when it comes to

the model our relationship has, it’s important we not insult or diss

those independent desires. In fact, if she’s worried about you holding

back with her sexually, that’s much more likely to happen based on your

being made to feel bad about your sexuality by her than it is because

of your own masturbation. Most importantly, being put down by a partner

about anything, isn’t healthy: it’s abusive.

That last statement given, I also just want to check in with you and

make sure that outside of this issue, your relationship is healthy and

beneficial for you. While something else could be going on entirely,

put-downs, double-standards or seeking control of a partner’s solo

sexuality are two things that can be signals of emotionally abusive

behavior. Is this kind of dynamic something you find in other areas of

your relationship? If not, and you can work this lone matter out

together peaceably, then it’s probably all good: heck, if you can work

this out, your relationship is probably only going to get a lot better.

But if you are seeing other things with this kind of dynamic in them,

I’d be sure this is a relationship that is healthy for you, and one

where you are accepted, respected, loved and cared for.

I’ll part by saying that if there just is no rectifying this issue,

and she just won’t let it go, I hope you know it would be

understandable (and perhaps even advisable) to exempt yourself from the

relationship — or at least from a sexual relationship — on this basis

alone. As I said, it’s really hard, if not impossible, to have a

healthy sexual relationship with someone who is being very negative or

dismissive of an intrinsic aspect of our sexuality. You, like anyone

else, deserve a sexual partnership where a partner leaves you feeling

good about yourself sexually, and accepts and respects for your

sexuality, even when it’s different than their sexuality.

Here are a few links for you, some of which you might also want to share with her: