Alex: So this Strand guy is really weird, right?

Nic Silver: Totally.

Alex: And his story would make for a fascinating podcast, right?

Nic Silver: What’s a podcast?

Alex: Goddammit Nic, you’re a podcast producer! You know what a podcast is!

Nic Silver: I know, but I want to make sure the audience knows!

Alex: Nic, they’re listening to a fucking podcast! They know it’s like radio for the internet!

Nic Silver: There, was that so hard to say?

Alex: Okay, fine. So about all of these mysterious happenings, scandalous revelations, and dark omens surrounding Richard Strand …?

Nic Silver: Eh, I don’t think they’ll factor into the story. Let’s not talk about them on the air, except maybe for a few casual mentions to drive the audience’s imagination wild.

Now, about the way you lied to Dr. Strand in order to trick him into sharing his Black Tapes with you. I’m just a little bit worried that you’re walking a thin line, ethically speaking.

Alex: That’s going to be a theme.

Alex: Dr. Strand, if you have dozens of unsolved paranormal cases, why haven’t you awarded anyone a million dollars?

Richard Strand: If you read the fine print of my Million Dollar Challenge, you’ll notice a very important statement: “Acceptable proof of the supernatural includes, and is limited to, evidence collected directly by Dr. Strand, in a laboratory, between the hours of four and four-fifteen PM, Chicago time, with at least fifteen sworn, notarized, coroberating statements, video evidence from at least three different angles, audio recordings made by a member of the American Skeptical Audiophiles Association, LLC, and a full psychological workup performed by a devout atheist working in the greater Chicagoland area.” And so far, absolutely no one has been able to muster that kind of compelling evidence!

Alex: What would you think about re-opening the Torres case? You know, the one with the vaguely-humanoid shadow in two, yes two, completely different video tapes?

Richard Strand: The last time we spoke, Mr. Torres said something about “ruining his life,” “devastating his marriage,” “tearing his child from his loving arms,” and “shattering the last vestiges of hope he once clung to so desperately.” I don’t think he’d be inclined to reopen that case.

Alex: What if I told you I convinced him to speak with us?

Richard Strand: You left him a dozen increasingly hysterical voicemails, badgering him into agreeing to an interview and threatening to hound his every waking moment until he gave in to your demands, didn’t you?

Alex: …maaaaaaybe.

Alex: All right Mr. Torres, why don’t you just start at the beginning, and explain your supernatural experiences?

Richard Strand: Wait just one moment. I want to be sure we’re using accurate terminology, so instead of “supernatural experiences,” let’s call them “unverified events of a certainly pedestrian origin, which may stem from apophenia, hysteria, a lens aberration on any involved recording equipment, or a plain old fashioned con job.”

Alex: How about we just go with “alleged?”

Richard Strand: Fine, if you want to be imprecise about it.

Robert Torres: All right. So it all started when I married Maria. Money would mysteriously disappear from my checking account. Strange cars would park in my driveway during lunch. The phone would ring, and the same deep, resonant voice as always on the other end, but always pretended to have the wrong number.

Richard Strand: In the scientific community, we call that an “affair.”

Alex: Richard, how dare you treat this man’s terrifying supernatural experience with such casual disdain!

Robert Torres: Oh, and there’s this demon-shadow-thing that’s been following me around for a few decades, and now it’s stalking my son, as if a creeping darkness has selected my family for some evil end. But that’s probably not super relevant, is it?

Alex: How did your wife respond?

Robert Torres: Well, she yelled at me for not trusting her, and accused me of projecting my own infidelities onto her, and muttered something about needing a real man to satisfy her, but eventually we just agreed to ignore all of our problems until they eventually built up into a marriage-shattering pressure that would destroy our love, scar our son, and rend our family apart.

Alex: I mean about the demon thing.

Robert Torres: Oh right, him. You know, the usual. She burned a lot of sage, sprinkled holy water all over the house, had a priest perform an exorcism, had a shaman perform a blessing, had a Wiccan priestess perform a moonlight ceremony designed to use the maternal power of nature to drive out the oppressive forces of the patriarchy, and had that guy from Demon Hunters tape an episode at our home.

Alex: And were any of these remedies–

Richard Strand: –Let’s call them “scams perpetrated by the deceived or deceitful, which can offer at best a placebo effect, but are in truth no more valid than the false conditions they purport to address.”

Alex: –remedies effective?

Robert Torres: Well, Maria broke up with me, took my son away, and started sleeping with the demon hunter guy, but at least Dr. Strand came by to tell me that all of my problems stemmed from my weak mental facilities, foolish superstitions, and overactive imagination.

Richard Strand: The burden of proof lays with those making the extraordinary claim. The fact that neither you nor your wife is willing to accept the simple scientific fact that you, your wife, and probably your child are simply delusional fools, plagued by nothing more sinister than a dark flight of fancy, in no way establishes an abnormal root for your experiences.

Robert Torres: Hey, are you thirsty? You look like you could use a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

Alex: The Black Tapes is brought to you by Audible.com. Sign up now and get a free eBook. This week, we recommend Investigative Journalism for Dummies, a crash course on things like “verifying facts,” “staying objective,” and “behaving ethically.” At least Nic recommends it. Repeatedly. Like, he won’t leave me alone about it. Jesus, Nic, shut up already.

Alex: Hi Maria, thanks for agreeing to meet with us!

Maria Rodriguez: That’s a funny interpretation of “I’ve put this dark episode behind me and never ever want to dredge up those terrible memories ever again please stop calling me you hysterical bitch.”

Alex: Well, to-may-to, to-mah-to. Anyway, do you have and photographs showing a shadowy entity slowly pursuing your beloved child wherever he flees?

Maria Rodriguez: Of course not! Don’t be silly.

Richard Strand: Finally, a voice of reason amidst the storm of inane acceptance and blind belief. If only Robert Torres was as open to the scientific method as–

Maria Rodriguez: I destroyed all of the footage because the image of that very real and easily identifiable demon is just too frightening to allow in my home.

Richard Strand: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Sebastian Torres: Hi nice lady! Why are you and my mom fighting?

Alex: We’re not fighting, Sebastian, she just wants me to leave her home and never speak to her again, while I want to secretly record your tale of terror and dark mystery!

Sebastian Torres: Awesome! Let me show you the eldritch symbols my best friend Tall Paul taught me to draw on my closet wall, using blood as my ink and the bones of a freshly slaughtered animal as my pen! He says you and him are gonna be best friends!

[PNWS Boom]

Alex: Hi, this is Alex Regan, head investigative journalist for the nationally known and totally for real journalistic outfit Pacific Northwest Stories. I understand you have some photographs of Sebastian Torres, and that Ms. Rodriguez has given you permission to share them with me?

Wanda Dugay: Sure do!

Alex: And do any of these photos have a mysterious shadow lurking in the background?

Wanda Dugay: Of course not!

Alex: Damn it, I really thought we were on to something!

Wanda Dugay: Because I photoshopped it out!

Alex: Wait, there was a being of smoke and hate hiding in the shadows of your class pictures?

Wanda Dugay: Well, just the ones with Sebastian Torres in them.

Alex: …Interesting.

Richard Strand: I think you mean “bullshit.”

Richard Strand: Hi Alex! My intern has informed me that I have been behaving like a, quote, raging douche canoe, unquote, and has instructed me to call you and apologize for my, quoting again, fuckheadedness, unquote. So, I guess I’m sorry? And I also have a shiny new Black Tape, if you care to join me in Seattle next week …

Alex: Nic! Road trip!

Nic Silver: Um, Alex? We live in Seattle.

Alex: The Black Tapes Podcast is a production of Pacific Northwest Stories, in association with the National Radio Alliance and Minnow Beats Whale. Join us next time, when I unleash a terrible demonic force into your life through the power of an evil MP3. I’m Alex Regan, and we’ll be back in two weeks.