True fact: Personal grooming regimen strictly dictated by Andrew Breitbart himself

President Trump's chief toady Steve Bannon decided to give the New York Times a phone call Thursday to let them know how they could be a much better newspaper: Become more like Dead Breitbart's emporium for Trump-licking and also shut up, because the media suck so hard, man. You know who the real enemy in America is? It's the media! Attacking the media is certainly a new tack for a Republican administration to take, but Team Trump is known for being innovative.

“The media should be embarrassed and humiliated and keep its mouth shut and just listen for a while,” Mr. Bannon said in an interview on Wednesday. “I want you to quote this,” Mr. Bannon added. “The media here is the opposition party. They don’t understand this country. They still do not understand why Donald Trump is the president of the United States.”

The media said they were right sad about hurting Mr. Trump's feelings, and would try harder to do a better job at pleasing the president, if only he'd be a little clearer about what America is, who lives there, and how he would like to be covered. Would he like a cookie, perhaps? As to why Donald Trump is the president of the United States, we'll go out on a limb and suggest it may have had something to do with winning three swing states by under 80,000 votes. And possibly massive voter suppression by Republicans.

Bannon also explained that, at the very least, the media should show some humility for being so very wrong all the time:

“The elite media got it dead wrong, 100 percent dead wrong,” Mr. Bannon said of the election, calling it “a humiliating defeat that they will never wash away, that will always be there.” “The mainstream media has not fired or terminated anyone associated with following our campaign,” Mr. Bannon said. “Look at the Twitter feeds of those people: They were outright activists of the Clinton campaign.” (He did not name specific reporters or editors.) “That’s why you have no power,” he added. “You were humiliated.”

The media then stared in disbelief at Bannon and muttered, under their breath, that if he'd fired Breitbart "reporters" every time they were wrong, the place would be deader than Pets.com. But they'd definitely take that warning about not distorting the facts under advisement, as soon as they could stop giggling. Also, what the hell was that on his chin?

Bannon had called the Times to tell the paper what a fine job Sean Spicer is doing as White House press secretary, and to explain it's perfectly normal for a press secretary to lie and yell at reporters about what they should be writing. After all, Donald Trump won, so he gets to say what reality is, doesn't he?

Asked if he was concerned that Mr. Spicer had lost credibility with the news media, Mr. Bannon chortled. “Are you kidding me?” he said. “We think that’s a badge of honor. ‘Questioning his integrity’ -- are you kidding me? The media has zero integrity, zero intelligence, and no hard work.” “You’re the opposition party,” he said. “Not the Democratic Party. You’re the opposition party. The media’s the opposition party.”

It was awfully nice of Mr. Bannon to clear that up, and to make clear he understands the role of a free press in a thriving democracy: Be nice to the president, or you're gonna get it. Bannon was especially careful to attack the "elite media," and singled out the New York Times and Washington Post for criticism.

“The paper of record for our beloved republic, The New York Times, should be absolutely ashamed and humiliated,” Mr. Bannon said. “They got it 100 percent wrong.”

Bannon added he'd been reading the New York Times for most of his adult life, which certainly gives credence to his claim that the paper warps minds.

We would say more about just how wrong we think Mr. Bannon is, but since he told us media types to shut up, it seems discourteous to say anything more about the loathsome racist fuckweasel or his bizarre fascist obsession with dividing Americans into the good guys and the enemies.

[New York Times]