TEMPE, AZ— Upon learning lifestyle company Goop had settled a lawsuit over false claims it made about the health benefits of its jade egg product, disillusioned local woman Melissa Salani reportedly began to question Wednesday whether any of her magical vagina stones actually possessed healing powers. “If my jade egg doesn’t really increase orgasms or regulate my hormones, how can I be sure all the other crystals and minerals I’ve been putting up there work?” said the visibly crestfallen Salani, shaking her head as she examined the $66 stone egg that she charges under the power of a full moon and, when it is not inserted into her vaginal canal, keeps wrapped in silk upon an altar. “I’m truly at a loss, because I felt so warm and energized when I had that rose quartz yoni egg inside me, just like the guru from the Goop website said I would, but now I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t just a placebo. I’ve spent thousands on vaginal rejuvenation devices, and now I can’t even be certain they imbue me with vibrating energies while aligning my chakras and connecting me to ancestral spirits.” At press time, sources confirmed Salani was jamming handfuls of colorful stones up her vagina to counteract the feelings of negativity and self-doubt that were clouding her judgment.

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