Recently Jezebel told me that evil computer-software retouches photographs of beautiful woman to make them more beautiful. Jezebel also told me that I should be outraged by this. Being a beautiful woman, I had a feeling I’d fall victim to this monstrosity, so I quickly jumped on the internet to look at pictures of myself. What I found WILL SHOCK YOU.

Here is an unedited photo of me in an Angry Birds hat my dad gave me for Christmas. Notice my naturally red eyes from either crying all night or doing lots of drugs.

So imagine my dismay when I get online and find an edited version of this photo on INSTAGRAM, a misogynistic, woman-hating social media application site that hates women and uses “filters” to filter out “imperfections.”

Notice that my eyes are no longer naturally red. And my skin has yellowed due to Instagram’s default “jaundice” filter. Most outrageously, look at the position of the bed post! What is Stanley Kubrick trying to say with that!?

I quickly got on Facebook, the lazy (wo)man’s Reddit, to escape that haunting image only to discover that my “friend” Grant Collins (a fellow Chicago comedian and hater of all things natural and woman) had further edited my photo.

Note the disappearance of my Angry Birds hat, my eye bags, and my jaw line. Note the adjustment of my eye size and placement. Note the replacement of my blonde hair with an adorable brunette haircut. Note the nose thinning, the cheeks rouging and the minor plumping of my bottom lip.

Needless to say I’ve defriended Grant (but not on Facebook or to his face just in case he becomes famous).

I’ll be the first to admit, the final product is quite an improvement. I went from looking like a bummed-out stoner to a half-Japanese sex robot. But I am OUTRAGED. What will young women who grow up with the knowledge that all professional photographs have been digitally retouched think of this?? Will they feel the need to go back and retouch all of their photos?? That would take forever!

I know this is super controversial, but I feel like maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore. Maybe we should just start hiring people for pictures who are really pretty but have a little arm fat or something.

I think this is an issue we should really spend a lot of time talking about. Saudi Arabian women can wait until tomorrow. It’s not like they’re going anywhere… they aren’t allowed to drive.