1. Ignore All Instructions Despite the Constant Glaring signs!

The first thing to remember when constructing a quality grave is to forget everything you thought you knew about graves. Your behavior in recent years makes you more than qualified to dig a fantastic grave; and don’t let anyone tell you any different. So what if you’ve decided every human being that disagrees with you is “fringe” and “racist”? Racist? What does that even have to do with digging a grave? In fact, only a racist would try to stop you from digging a grave. Only a true racist would beg and plead for you to stop your regressive bullying, and backward interpretations of reality.

Oh, shit. Those crowds showing up at alternate rallies and filling message boards seem to be getting pretty big. But, hey, that’s what happens when you marginalize over half the population. Fuck ’em, though. Let them dig their own grave.

2. Create Your Own Instructions. It’s More Fun That Way!

Most people will tell you that you need a shovel, a plot of land, and some good old fashioned grit to dig your own grave. But those people are retards. What you really need is an army of like-minded individuals who can’t function on their own in the real world to tell you that digging your own grave is someone else’s job. You’re a college student, a celebrity, a YouTube sensation, or just someone with more money than sense, and you won’t be made to do the ditch digging of some common Mexican.

We’re all proud of you. You’re special, unique, capable, brilliant, and you can do anything!

Actually, you’re not. And you can’t. But you told yourself you could, and that’s half the battle. So tell those College Professors, parents, scientists, and individuals who have literally spent the crux of their entire lives focused on solving problems that you know better! Better yet–call them all racist, Islamophobic, misogynistic, agist, homophobic, transphobic white privilege fuckboys just for insinuating that you may not know what you’re doing. You’ll find that there is no better way to dig your own grave.

3. Wheel Out People You Look Up to For Positive Feedback!

This goes along-side of step two, so technically, you could do both at once. But don’t strain yourself. Digging your own grave is really hard, and you don’t want it to feel like “adulting.” This may be a good time for you to take a break. Grab a pumpkin spice latte and an abstract coloring book if you like; because now it’s time to enlist help from other people. Believe it or not, you’re not the only one simultaneously trying to dig their own grave. There are literal fuck-tons of people who should have much better things to do than dig their own graves who are ready and willing to help you.

Honestly, these aren’t just like-minded people. These are people who are willing to sacrifice anything…including their multi-million dollar acting deals, credibility as journalists, or even their sense of basic self-respect just to help you dig your own grave!

HOT TIP: Maybe next time, we’ll look into just building our own mass grave. That may be easier than millions of single-use graves. But let’s leave that for another day.

4. Act Like Your Job is Complete and Celebrate a Grave Well Dug!

At this point, you’ve realized that you’ve ignored all the rules, made up new ones, dismissed those who know more than you do about nearly every possible topic imaginable, and confidently exerted yourself as well-informed despite having done absolutely fucking nothing. Congratulations! You just dug your own grave!

But hold on, you crazy kid, you! Not so fast. Why just jump right in? You’ve got the rest of eternity to rest your laurels in a shallow pit of your own making. This is the time to bask in your moral and virtuous superiority. Not only did you finally complete an actual physical task, but you also stuck it to all those “ignorant bigots” who make up that “fringe” majority of the country. No one’s going to ruin this moment for you. Pump up the Rae Sremmurd and celebrate.

5. Climb into Your Freshly Dug Grave and Sob Like a Bitch. Then, Repeat From Step 1!

Now that you’re all done celebrating and all of the excitement has worn off, it’s time to come back to reality and realize what you’ve done.

You’ve ignored a majority of the world around you, focusing only inward; turning yourself into a self-important virtue-signaling bully. You’ve devolved an inherent desire to treat everyone as equals into what is essentially social Darwinism, and a morbidly self-flagellating form of political correctness.

You’ve spent all of your time seeking out those who agree with you and champion your backward and regressive philosophies to the point of ostentatious self-delusion.

And now you have no choice. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry…hell, you’re all gonna be doing that. You can look around and try a last ditch effort at rationalization. But we all know you won’t learn a lesson, because you’re too good for lessons.

All your celebrity friends have retreated to their cocoons and you now have nothing left to cling onto, though you’ll desperately try.

But look on the bright side, my precious snowflakes: you finally dug your own grave.

Now lie in it.

—X