Michael J. Matheron, July 25, 2017



Overall, life as Attorney General has not been kind to Jeff Sessions. During his confirmation he proved that his memory was faulty, particularly about tete-a-tetes with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. His later testimony, given under hypnosis before the Senate Intelligence Committee, resulted in recovered memories of meetings with Ambassador Kislyak wherein he related discussions about borscht dessert recipes, Alabama football, and Russian rules for his emergency political refugee status. More important, many believe he discussed approaches that a Trump administration would take toward loosening sanctions imposed by the Obama administration, as recently released U.S. Intel phone intercepts between Kislyak and Russian bosses indicate. Prior to this, Sessions’ earlier testimony caused the law-and-order AG to do the unthinkable right thing and recuse himself from any role in the burgeoning Russiagate scandal.

As the investigation moved into high gear under special prosecutor Robert Mueller, as staunch a straight arrow as one could imagine, investigators’ eyes turned toward Trump family members. That includes the weakest link, the weak narcissist at the top, Donald Trump and his possibly illegal dealings with wild-eyed Russian money launderers up to and including Vladimir Putin and the ghost of Leonid Breshnev. Were promises made by the Trump cabal in return for financial lifelines?

So, as these things work, with Mueller an honest man, Trump needed an AG who could rein the investigator in or show him the door. Sessions, though, in a recused state, is unavailable. Thereby, Trump’s coiffure is caught in a grinder, and whenever that occurs he lashes out as he did in a weird-ranging Times interview during which he made chopped liver out of his first senatorial supporter, now his AG-in-recusal. He also ht the twitter trail, ripping Sessions generally, and pushing for a renewed investigation of his nemesis, Hillary Clinton. Why, we wonder? No. We don’t.

Word reached this journalist via my semi-secret contacts within the kitchen and laundry staff of many of the executive branch’s top officials, including the AG’s. They told me that Mr. Sessions was distraught and seeking solace, a lonely embattled man. His tooth-brush butler suggested to the AG that many people find relief in a cute little pet, one that echoes its human companion’s own personality. At this, the AG tossed aside his tooth-brush and stormed from the house, on a mission. When he returned moments later to retrieve his trousers, his trousers butler learned the AG was off to adopt a comforting pet, a compatible pet, one with his own Sessions-like savoir faire. Once fully trousered, off he went atop his child’s bicycle, just recently unencumbered of its training wheels, happily ringing its bell.

Soon he arrived at a nearby animal shelter specializing in reptiles of all species, personalities, and habits. A quick discussion with a clerk and Sessions met exactly what he desired, a cute adolescent venom-spitting cobra. Animal shelters these days insist on supervising the process of adoption, particularly those shelters trafficking in illegal poisonous reptiles. Upon realizing who and what Mr. Sessions was, they agreed that this was a jolly good match, particularly for hard to place poisonous cobras. President Richard Nixon, in August 1974, adopted one, but that was the last match on record, and Nixon turned out to be a very bad companion. His cobra was found loitering in the Washington Post reporters’ bullpen.

Reports are that the AG’s usual sneer has returned and he’s as racist as ever once again. He’s chipper with the cobra he named “’Lil Donny” and plans to take him or her (no one knows) everywhere he goes, comfortably coiled around his neck. ‘Lil Donny, my sources report, is taking well to obedience training and learned “Sic ’em!” within a few minutes, dispatching his sock butler in a single bite. The AG will pow wow with Trump and family next week, and Mr. Sessions hopes ‘Lil Donny will have time to memorize pictures of the first family in time. Just so ‘Lil Donny will be comfortable with them. Really. That’s all.

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