While viewed by many as a harmless newspaper read by people who just want to relax and unwind – or perhaps do some recreational experimentation with different ideologies – a new study has provided unquestionable proof that the notorious newspaper actually inflicts considerable damage on all those who read it, link to it, or even so much as look directly at it.

The detailed study looked at reports of the effects of reading the Daily Mail from the last 20 years. To clarify, it wasn’t a “20-year study”; who would make that sort of mistake? You might see those nostalgia shows like I love the 80s, but you don’t call them a “decade-long TV show”. That would be misleading. It would appear to be that you’re ridiculously exaggerating something for your own ends.

But the study, conducted by Professor Ineptias of The Department for Hysterical Analysis (University of Hyperbole, Hull), reveals that the Daily Mail has many serious consequences for those reading it. Some of the more devastating are detailed below.

Dependency

It starts with just the one, and then suddenly, you’re hooked! Photograph: ANDY RAIN/EPA

Professor Ineptias revealed a strong tendency for Daily Mail readers to become dependent on it, struggling to go for more than a day without a “fix”.

“Exposure to the exaggerated, emotive language can be compelling for the casual reader, but pretty soon this takes hold. You become caught up in the exaggerated claims and then you start to show confirmation bias, looking for more things that echo your own opinions and views in a similarly intense way, hence you need to read more Daily Mail.”

The long term effects of this dependency are uncertain, but animal studies suggest they could be very dangerous. An experiment where rats had their cages lined with the Daily Mail for a month showed that the animals developed very concerning behaviours.

“They became incredibly hostile and demanding. You’d put them in a maze and whereas they’d normally go and explore, the Daily Mail rats would just look at you angrily, wondering what’s in it for them,” one researcher reported. “And the rats we used for the study were British-bred, white rats. I accidentally put a cage of foreign rats in the room with them once, they almost tore the place apart. Several of them were physically sick. And rats can’t even vomit!”

There have been many different approaches to treating Daily Mail addiction, such as substituting with milder stimulants like the Express or Telegraph (often supplied via a patch), but these have only limited effectiveness.

The Daily Mail has also caused dependence in those who hate it, with people constantly linking to it due to a sense of outrage, a very rare example of “passive dependence”.

Development of further disorders

Exposure to the Daily Mail could lead to all sorts of erratic behaviours. Photograph: DANIEL SORABJI/AFP/Getty Images

Several investigations revealed that those who grow dependent on the Daily Mail often end up unsatisfied with just reading it and feel compelled to contribute with extreme or bizarre comments. But this engagement with like-minded dependents can lead to increased extremism via group polarisation, resulting in ridiculous right-wing behaviour like burning crosses in your garden, or voting for Ukip.

“Those who read the Daily Mail often do so because they are already angry or unhappy with their lot. The constant vitriol aimed at those who are more vulnerable offers a form of displacement, a sort of defence mechanism where those with problems can take them out on others,” Professor Ineptas explained.

Prolonged exposure to the Daily Mail can also produce chronic paranoia, suspicion, anger and belief in conspiracies, like how a secret organisation of homosexuals and feminists is going to steal your childhood home and turn it into a luxurious taxpayer-funded refuge for drug-addled benefits claimants who spend all day knitting Union Jacks purely so they can burn them in front of children. Or something.

Educational deficits

You combine the Daily Mail and education, you end up with this sort of thing. Photograph: Oli Scarff/Getty Images

Reading the Daily Mail has been shown to have a seriously damaging effect on people’s ability to learn new information that isn’t conveyed via hyperbole or exaggeration, or doesn’t put down another group of people in some way.

But more alarming is that repeated, prolonged exposure to the Daily Mail seemingly causes degradation of language skills. Even a brief read of any comment section on the site shows that grammar and punctuation are distorted, and some commenters have seemingly lost the knowledge of HOW TO TURN THE CAPS LOCK OFF. That such simple inherent things can be lost implies that the damage the Daily Mail does is at a fundamental level and deeply entrenched.

Driving

Many Daily Mail articles can be described as ‘a car crash’, but sometimes that’s very literal. Photograph: Monkey Business Images/REX

Professor Ineptias discovered a clear link between reading the Daily Mail and traffic accidents.

“Basically, Daily Mail readers have a persistent habit of veering to the right. And this isn’t safe when you’re behind the wheel of a vehicle.”

Daily Mail reading supposedly causes a large number of traffic accidents. One study looked into police reports. Officers who tended to Daily Mail readers who had caused a crash reported receiving a stream of abuse about who pays their wages and claims that the rules about driving on the left are just a “liberal conspiracy”. There was often something about feminists too, but not in any coherent form.

Health dangers

A typical front page of the Daily Mail. Photograph: LEON NEAL/AFP/Getty Images

The scaremongering used by the Daily Mail can be very dangerous, leading to prolonged stress and anxiety. These have many known health consequences, but addicts tend to suffer more than most because treatment can be obtained via the NHS, but the NHS is largely staffed by immigrants, so Daily Mail readers tend to stay away.

On top of this, the Daily Mail often reports that innocuous things cause cancer. But the one link between all of these things is that they are in the Daily Mail. Professor Ineptias argues that this means the Daily Mail itself is a carcinogen.

“What if reading the Daily Mail actually means you’re running your hands all over a vitriolic lump of angry cancer? You might as well put plutonium on your cornflakes! Or buy some asbestos pyjamas. Why don’t you just do that, eh? You make me sick you disgusting liberal. We’d all be better off without the multicultural hellhole you’ve turned this country into. Thatcher would be turning in her grave if she could see what the bloody bLIARites have done. WE MUST TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!”

Professor Ineptias was later found to have been exposed to excessive levels of Daily Mail having failed to observe proper containment procedures during his studies.

Dean Burnett would say it’s obvious this article is a joke, but that’s never stopped the Daily Mail from taking it seriously before. He is on Twitter, @garwboy