Prominent journalist, well known writer and alleged sexual assaulter Tarun Tejpal today said that he will form a National Commission for Men or NCM to safeguard and protect the rights of men everywhere in India. ’Look, I am very unhappy with the way men are being treated in this country… especially by women. There is no one to uphold the sanctity of men anywhere in this country. Indian men have been oppressed for far too long and this is why I am going to form a body for men, by men and of men,’ Tejpal, speaking from an undisclosed location where he is ‘recusing’ himself, said.

Elaborating further, he added, “I have already invited actor Shakti Kapoor to be our President. He is an inspiration and a role model whose fight for men’s rights on the silver screen has been unparalleled. He should have been awarded the inaugural Bollywood Centenary award but it was awarded instead to Waheeda Rehman, a woman. Yet another case of men being discriminated against. Furthermore, I have also extended invitations to former iGate and Infosys sexual harassment victim Phaneesh Murthy and actor Shiney Ahuja. I am also delighted to inform you that Godman Asaram and his son Narayan Sai whose attempts at bringing religion and molestation together have been absolutely iconic will also be joining the NCM.”

“We have also approached CBI Director Ranjit Sinha to be our first CEO, his experience in law enforcement and criminality is unmatched in the annals of India. His recent statement which implied that rape which cannot be stopped might as well be enjoyed proves that his dedication to men’s safety issues is serious,” he insisted.

Tejpal, continuing to address the issue of men’s rights, accused the National Commission for Women or NCW of being ‘sexist’ and completely ‘feminist’. He said, “How can a body that is supposed to achieve gender equality be only bothered about one gender namely women? How?! It is absurd and ludicrous. There is not a single man on the National Commission for Women. How can this be? I plan to introduce a bill in Parliament called the Men’s Reservation Bill which will compulsorily provide men with 33% reservation in the NCW.”

When asked about the specific case of men’s rights, Tejpal shouted, “Look at Mallika Sherawat! She recently terrorized so many men on a TV show. She made them perform one demeaning task after another and treated them violently in an effort to achieve married status. Is this not a case of pre-meditative dowry harassment?”

Lastly, he added, “What nonsense is this?! It is to avoid and fight things like this only that I am going to start the NCM.”

(Originally published in The Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala)