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I just learned about toxic masculinity, and I feel I must say something to my fellow-men: we need to do better. It’s up to us to hold one another accountable. So I swear that, if I ever see one of my male friends being toxically masculine, I will beat the living shit out of him.

Real men hate toxic masculinity. Real men understand that things like the concept of being a “real man” are just ways for the patriarchy to maintain itself, and are fundamentally harmful to men.

I tell you, when I see a man lashing out because he’s been taught to believe that it’s not O.K. for men to express any emotion except anger, it makes me feel . . . it makes me feel . . . it makes me want to punch a hole in the fucking wall!

Men, you need to accept that the impulse to dominate those around you is utterly destructive, and I don’t want to hear a goddam word from anyone who disagrees with me.

On a personal level, learning about toxic masculinity has made me reassess a lot of my own behavior and beliefs, but I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. I said I was fine! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, O.K.?

It’s time for men to sack up and have the balls to stop using gendered language that equates the male body with strength and the female body with weakness. Only a total pussy would take a part of the human anatomy and unfairly turn it into a symbolic derogative.

Think about it this way: How would your mom or wife or daughters feel if they knew that you only empathize with women when you have some kind of personal connection to them?

Guys, you’re never gonna get a girlfriend if you don’t stop being so heteronormative. You’re never gonna get laid if chicks know that you think that a man’s self-worth depends on how often he has sex. And how are you gonna provide for a family if you have outdated expectations about the roles men play in a marriage?

What, are you such a wuss that you’re afraid to confront your own deeply ingrained toxic masculinity? Are you gonna cry about being asked to reëxamine your conception of gender norms? Do you need your mommy to come down here and help you get over the idea that men need to be totally self-reliant at all times?

It’s so important for men to learn that it’s O.K. to reach out and ask other people for help, and I DON’T NEED ANYONE’S HELP LEARNING THAT—I CAN DO IT MYSELF.

If you think I’m wrong about toxic masculinity, I challenge you to a drinking contest. We’ll alternate doing shots of vodka, and, if you puke first, you have to admit that it’s a real problem that men are socialized to engage in risky, self-destructive behavior. If I puke first, you can punch me in the nuts.