Great news, our scientists have finally done it, they’ve discovered the most Florida story ever told. It’s about a naked carny who broke into a house, pooped in it, and jacked off in a child’s bedroom, all while the homeowner shot at him. This story is Christmas, Chanukah, and the birth of a child rolled into one.

Fort Myers, Florida – Gregory Matthew Bruni, 21, [a carnival worker] is facing charges of damage to property, burglary, battery and resisting an officer.

The victims told the Lee County Sheriff’s Office they were inside around 6:50 p.m. when they heard noises on the roof.

They went outside and saw a naked man, later identified as Bruni, on the roof, according to a Lee County Sheriff’s Office report.

They said the man then jumped off the roof and onto one of the victims, knocking him down.

The man then ran into their home and pulled a 72-inch television off a living room wall, breaking it.

I love that they identify the television, but don’t give names, ages, or descriptions of the victims. BUT WHAT WERE THEY WATCHING?!

The victim told investigators he yelled for his wife to get a gun as Bruni continued to thrash around the house, knocking over a wet/dry vacuum and spilling its contents on the floor.

The wife fired three shots from a .38 caliber revolver at Bruni, but missed and hit a wall.

Bruni then fell to the ground and began masturbating in the living room before he ran into the victims’ son’s bedroom and began rubbing his face with clothing, according to the report.

The male victim retrieved his shotgun from the master bedroom, but never fired at Bruni.

Deputies arrived on the scene and tried to detain Bruni, who started flailing around on the ground and speaking, but not making sense.

Maybe he’s an alien God-king from the future, sent to save us from the impending apocalypse like Leelu from The 5th Element. Who else could masturbate in a hail of bullets? We must! Try! To understand! MULTI-PASS! MULTI-PASS! (*gets frustrated, wipes ass with house cat*)

Deputies said Bruni sucked up the water that had spilled from the vacuum and spit it out. They said he tried to flee several times and had to be Tased as he was taken into custody.

Deputies later discovered Bruni defecated near the front door and in a hallway inside the residence.

Okay, so the pooping was before the shooting started, or during? Because if this guy jacked off AND shat while he was being shot at, we should make him president. At the very least, we know he’s a guy that isn’t going to lose his cool during a crisis.

He was transported to Lee Memorial Hospital for observation. Doctors advised deputies they couldn’t identify “what Bruni was on” and were conducting further tests, according to the report. [WTSP via HuffPo]

When this guy goes to AA, the other addicts should have to pay admission. “Gather round, kids, let me tell you about the time Uncle Greg climbed a roof, jumped on a guy, escaped a firefight, jacked off in some kids’ clothes, sh*t on the floor, and chugged a vacuum. CHAAAOS REEEEEEIGNS…”

But wait! One outlet even has a transcript of the 911 call. It’s Fox News, with the perfect Fox News headline, “Naked burglar terrorizes couple, but they fight back.” Yes, what an uplifting story of successful home defense. Who knows where else he might have masturbated had the family not been armed!

Operator: “Okay sir, I need to know who you shot.”

Tony Land: “I don’t know who the hell he is, he’s naked and he run into my damn house.” Operator: “Sir, sir what is going on?”

Tony Land: “(Bleep) you’re fixing to die now!” Tony Land: “Lay down, I’m talking to you, I won’t say it again! Lay down, (bleep) give me my shotgun now I need the shotgun not the pistol, I’m going to… [source]

This incredible transcript comes to us by way of Fort Myers’ Fox 4, whose anchors look like this:

Who knew Dan Cortese had a brother who went into local news?

That was the beginning of that 911 transcript, by the way. Since the late nineties, Florida 911 operators just open with “Okay sir, I need to know who you shot,” to save time.