Captain America: Civil War – the We Are All Rational Adults Version

(The more I think about Civil War the more annoyed I get)



Tony: okay so these Accords

Tony: obviously the fact we’ve only just heard of them and they’re being signed in 3 days and they’re fatter than all of us is some shit

Steve: language

Tony: but the fact is, we can’t just run around wherever we want punching people that we personally decide are bad guys

Tony: countries have the right to make their own laws and we can’t just ignore them because we’re really cool

Tony: (though we are)

Tony: anyway the fact is nobody actually voted for you to be President of Avengerdonia, steve, so we should like, obey the people we elected, like everyone else in the world does, this is how democracy works

Sam: i would vote for steve

Steve: i will be honest here

Steve: i have very much enjoyed being in charge with no restrictions

Steve: it has been very efficient and we’ve saved loads of lives (like loads)

Steve: however as i am not in fact a massive jerkhole dictator and i do believe in democracy

Steve: you are of course right we should get the nod from the government before we crash in anywhere to save the day, as long as that can be done quickly and effectively, and won’t mean that i’m completely banned from saving people

Steve: (because i have zero impulse control when it comes to saving people i just do it)

Tony: oh we know

Sam: everyone else would vote for steve too right natasha you’d vote for steve

Natasha: no comment

Steve: i mean there are a couple of other things i want to talk about in these papers

Wanda: like the fact we’re not actually accountable for the actions of all supervillains everywhere?

Steve: yeah and the fact that it doesn’t specify that we can’t be thrown in a monstrous sea-jail without a trial or lawyers if we damage property while defending ourselves

Tony: wow steve we’re (mostly) US citizens do you really think we need to specify that?

Steve: i’ve read about ross

Steve: yes we do

Tony: okay then, how about we sit here and hash out our list of amendments and caveats, which they really should have consulted us about more than three days before they meet to sign this document that controls our lives, and we take our improved accords to vienna and talk about it there?

Steve: that sounds really sensible

Sam: wanda you vote for steve too right

Bucky: i do not vote for steve. i vote for anyone except steve. i vote for tony stank’s left shoe, because it is far less reckless than steve

Sam: dude you’re not even in this part of the movie yet

Bucky: i showed up early just to say don’t vote for steve

Tony: holy shit it’s the winter soldier

Bucky: ooooh steve doesn’t like that kind of language you know

Steve: go away and wait for your appropriate plot hook barnes what is this

fin