DNA tests reveals Stonehenge was a neolithic monument to kebabs

Scientists comparing DNA samples have proven that the 3000-year-old British landmark was constructed by early Anatolian settlers and is now thought to be an elaborate Turkish restaurant.

The Neolithic inhabitants appear to have travelled to our shores from Anatolia (now modern-day Turkey) around 6000BC, crossing Europe before settling in Britain where they introduced farming, monuments and late night bingeing on unidentified meat in pitta bread.

Up until that point British settlers had been predominantly hunter-gatherers, surviving on what they could find in the wild.

The advances in agriculture techniques and delicious foodstuffs allowed the immigrants to immediately become an important part of British society, particularly late at night when everywhere else was closed.

The success was so great that it is now believed Stonehenge was built to celebrate this revolution, with enormous stone slabs being arranged to eat feasts on, and arches erected from which to hang Doner kebab meat.

Further DNA tests are now expected to be carried out on the ancient stone site, with experts now focusing their attention on finding traces of Fallafel, köfte, Lahmacun and Baklava.

The discovery has sent shock waves through numerous political groups who are now struggling to define what it actually means to be British, and just who the immigrants they claim they want ‘out’ actually are.

The news couldn’t come at a worse time with St George’s day just around the corner when patriotic Brits take to the streets to celebrate their patron saint, who was a Greek soldier in the Roman army.