Probably best you give Wimbledon a miss this year, lest you end up with a nasty case of lesbianism. Yes, I hate to break it to you, but it turns out tennis, a supposedly respectable sport, is basically a girl-on-girl lovefest. So says Australian tennis legend Margaret Court, anyway. Court recently took it upon herself to warn the world that “tennis is full of lesbians”; what’s more, they’re the militant sort, intent on spreading sapphism willy-nilly. Speaking to Christian Vision Radio, the 74-year-old noted that, back when she was playing professionally, there were only “a couple” of gay players, “but those couple that led took young ones into parties and things … and what you get at the top is often what you’ll get right through that sport”.

Shocking, isn’t it? Both the syntax and the substance. But don’t hate the players, hate the gays. Because, as Court pointed out, they’re not just at the top of tennis, they’re everywhere, perpetually pushing their Gay Agenda. The former world tennis No 1 explained, for example, that an Australian programme tackling homophobic bullying in schools – something that, at first glance, may seem laudable because who wants kids to be bullied, right? – is actually the work of a sinister “gay lobby” trying to “get [into] the minds of children”. Basically, said Court, it’s just like Hitler and communism.

Court’s statements have caused considerable controversy. Martina Navratilova, for example, has led demands for the Margaret Court Arena in Melbourne to be renamed in response. It may seem a little unsporting to take someone’s name off an important national venue just for some casual hate-mongering, but, hey, gays and women are known for being drama queens.

At this point, for the sake of transparency, I should probably lay my stack of minority cards on the table and clarify that I myself am a homosexual. (For the record, this isn’t the result of an après-tennis party. I’m extremely non-sporty and have never understood why so many women who like women like sports; I thought the whole idea of being a lesbian was that you weren’t keen on balls.) Nevertheless, I’ve got to admit that, while Court’s comments may have been slightly unhinged, they weren’t entirely untrue. There is indeed a Gay Agenda, and it extends much further than the world of tennis or Australian classrooms.

To be clear, this isn’t to say that all gays are on a mission to convert every straight person we meet. Are you kidding? Many of us are just gay for the attention. There’s nothing like the frisson of excitement you get when you hold your girlfriend’s hand on the street and wonder whether someone will shout an obscenity at you. If everyone was gay, you wouldn’t feel special. Also, the Gay Agenda has very strict rules on who and how you recruit; we don’t just want anyone joining the club and diluting our carefully crafted brand.

So we aren’t holding mass recruitment drives, but we are influencing modern society, thanks to highly confidential mind-control techniques laid out in section three of this year’s Official Gay Agenda. For example, you may remember seeing a study earlier this year showing that lesbians are more likely to orgasm during sex than straight women: 86% of lesbians reported that they usually orgasm compared with 65% of straight women. This made headlines globally – something of a PR coup for the Propagation of the Homosexual Lifestyle Through Scientific Studies Committee, formed in the 1991 edition of the Official Gay Agenda. Indeed, the PHLTSSC has been doing a stellar job over the years. Thanks to their efforts, many heterosexuals appear to have a fixation on lesbian porn. Indeed, according to data collected by Pornhub, a popular hub of porn, “lesbian” is the top search term in the US for men and women.

Obviously, being gay is mainly about sex, but we also do other things. Parades, for example. There is an entire section of the Official Gay Agenda dedicated to parading. There are also special rules governing flag-waving, another important facet of homosexual identity. You see, waving flags creates tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately alter the course of history, bending it in our favour.

The Gay Agenda is also very concerned with popular culture. Admittedly, this is a tough one as it’s hard to think of any significant LGBT artists, authors, musicians or fashion designers we can leverage. So we try to shoehorn gayness into pop culture when and where we can. Earlier this year, for example, Beauty and the Beast featured the first “exclusively gay moment” in a Disney movie. Thanks to the Gay Agenda, small children had some brief respite from a film obsessed with bestiality and were able to enjoy a wholesome same-sex scene instead.

We also hold secret negotiations every year at Gayvos with influencers who are sympathetic to our cause and help perpetuate it in subtle ways, such as wearing and popularising flannel shirts. I won’t name the people we work with because that would violate section seven of the Gay Agenda; however, I’ll drop a hint or two. Such as, have you ever noticed just how much Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian? Every lesbian has.

You know what, I’ve probably said too much. If I go any further, I may get my Gay Card revoked. However, seeing as we’re at the start of Gay Pride month, I thought it best to warn you lot about what you’re up against. Basically, it’s just like Hitler and communism.