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Chelsea 3 – 0 Leicester City

Chelsea put on an impressive display to quell fears of a collapse as Leicester slumped to another away defeat.

You can’t help but look at Ranieri’s desperate gesturing on the touchline of his old stomping ground and feel sorry for the bloke. With every half-hearted command, there’s a sense that somewhere, however subconsciously, the 64 year old is thinking “fucking hell, it’ll never be the same again”. Probably in Italian though.

The symbolism of Leicester’s demise this season was perhaps at its most stark on early Saturday afternoon. Not just because they were hosted by Ranieri’s former club, but because Chelsea were one of the victims of last season’s utter madness. The message from Chelsea’s dominant performance this weekend was brutal in its simplicity: order in the Premier League has been restored.

Diego Costa opened the scoring, a goal that would eventually look more valuable than ever for the FPL hipsters that picked him as their captain over the popular Aguero. Costa had so much time at the back post that he could have actually popped to his favourite coffee house, Costa Coffee, finished off one of those ridiculously oversized soup-bowls of americano, before heading back to the stadium to poke past Kasper Schmeichel. There may have even been time for a cheeky biscotti, but that might have been pushing it.

Eden Hazard doubled Chelsea’s lead after Pedro’s sick breakdancing moves prodded the ball into the Belgian’s path. Hazard, who was so unpopular with FPL managers that even his own mother transferred him out for a cheaper midfielder, celebrated his goal by gesturing a “Number 2” sign to the crowd – doubtless an acknowledgement of the number of points he’s been scoring for the past 4 weeks.

The game was killed off after a sublime move by the hosts saw Moses score his 2nd of the season. A fantastic goal, but pointless in terms of FPL. It should consider itself lucky that I even acknowledged it.

My tip: Those willing to give Hazard the benefit of the doubt may well reap the rewards if he can find form again. Costa looking essential, Leicester looking very vulnerable on the road.

Arsenal 3 – 2 Swansea

Theo Walcott’s brace and Ozil’s emphatic volley were enough to stave off a brave Swansea side under new management.

I’m really enjoying Bob Bradley. If you were going to draw a Bond villain, you’d probably end up drawing him. His small, piercing eyes and ridiculously defined jawbone give the impression that, if Swansea players don’t start performing soon, this could be their last Christmas. On Saturday’s showing, I think they’ve earned the right to fight another day.

The match was bookended by Ozil’s birthday celebrations. The German playmaker is known for his intense, squalid parties, often rumoured to last whole weeks at a time. The team started the day with a game of Pin the Tie on the Wenger, followed by Pass the Parcel: a popular party game in which Ozil crosses his birthday parcels into the corridor of uncertainty. After the game, Ozil was photographed doing eyeball shots, though we’ve been reliably informed that this is how Ozil ingests all his food and drink.

Despite his two goals, Walcott missed a myriad of opportunities to put the game beyond the long-necked reach of the Swans, and Granit Xhaka-Khan’s sending off with 20 minutes to go forced Arsenal to weather an unexpected storm. The win means that only goal difference separates Wenger’s side with Man City at the top of the table.

My tip: whilst it’s only a matter of time before Sanchez racks up more double figures, Walcott and Ozil are cheaper routes into an impressive Arsenal attack.

Bournemouth 6 – 1 Hull

Bournemouth humiliated newly promoted Hull in a 6-1 thrashing, leaving Mike Phelan’s side treading water above the relegation zone.

Mike Phelan has decided he doesn’t like managing full-time, and wants to renegotiate his schedule to include some modicum of caretaking responsibility. “Since I’ve been the full-time manager here the toilets have been an absolute state” says Phelan. “Air freshener: empty. Toilet roll: gone. Shit: everywhere” continued the Hull manager. “The cleaning team are good here, but they’re missing my experience and it’s hurting the club”.

Hurting the club indeed. Hull have not won in their last 6 attempts, and what started as a fairytale is quickly becoming a nightmare for Phelan and his side.

Eddie Howe, meanwhile, looked like a boy at Christmas. Quite literally – the guy must only be about 14. His rosy cheeks were glowing so much that at one point Junior Stanislas thought he had been shown a red card – in fact, it was just his manager celebrating. 2 goals from Stanislas Baratheon and 1 from Wilson, Daniels, Cook and Ryan Gosling means that Bournemouth have a team peppered with FPL bargains. Hull will have to dig deep if they are to stay afloat this season.

My tip: Bournemouth’s defenders are among the highest scoring so far this season. They could well be useful, affordable picks ahead of the premium bunch.

Man City 1 – 1 Everton

Man City squandered 2 penalties in a 1-1 draw that will definitely see Everton as the happier side.

After Costa failed to add to his 7th minute goal against Leicester in the early kick-off, things were looking up for Aguero captainers. Last year in GW8 Aguero scored 5. The year before that, he scored 4. The science was conclusive: Aguero was due a 6 goal haul against Everton.

So you can imagine the uproar when the team sheet was released and Aguero was not starting. It was chaos. Some FPL managers took to the streets to voice their disgust, whilst others were forced to take a step back and reassess everything they thought they knew about the western scientific method.

But we consoled ourselves. This is my job we said. Okay, this is my shitty weekend job that doesn’t pay anything and makes me want to beat my wife, but it’s still my job. When Man City were awarded their second penalty with Aguero on the pitch, we rubbed our hands with gleeful anticipation. 3 bonus points and a goal incoming, thanks very much.

Then he missed.

Suddenly there was panic and confusion. “What does this mean?” people asked hysterically. “How many points have I lost?” cried tearful managers. Sirens began to blare. Smoke bellowed from the streets. The blood curdling screams of children who hadn’t yet been taught the concept of negative numbers echoed through the cold October air. Trembling hands reached for smartphones, desperately trying to find the long-forgotten calculator app.

-2 points for Aguero. One by one, the reality of the situation sank in. We are going to lose points for playing Aguero. We would have scored more points if we had played Giroud. How do we move on from this?

Lukaku gave some consolation with a very well taken finish, and De Bruyne also missed a penalty to mark his return from injury. All in all a very entertaining match, but one that Man City will be keen to forget.

My tip: Aguero is due to stay on penalties, and to be fair, Skeletonburg pulled off a fantastic save. Don’t panic just yet, Aguero owners.

Stoke 2 – 0 Sunderland

Stoke emerged the convincing victors of a bottom table clash that sees them move above Swansea, whilst Sunderland are left to fester at the foot of the table.

When George Ezra penned his hit “Stokealona” he must have been thinking about matches like this. Finally, after 7 weeks of disappointing displays, things began to work for Stoke. At the centre of everything was Joe Allen, the unlikely prolific goalscorer and part-time Game of Thrones extra. Despite only being 4 foot 2, Allen netted his first from a header following an Astronautovic cross, before adding a second from 18 yards. What a genius.

Predictably, it was Jermaine Defoe who enjoyed Sunderland’s best opportunities. The old, wise footballer who has been operating in the top flight since 1929 had a shot blocked by Ryan Shawcross in the 1st half, but otherwise remained unthreatening.

It means David Moyes’ side are still without a win, and looking less and less convincing by the week. I think we all know what it means. Sam Allardyce needs to come back. Forget the corruption, forget the scandal. He’s been on holiday, let’s give him another chance and invite him back to the Premier League. Lord knows I’ve missed him.

My tip: Whilst Joe Allen has scored 4 in his last 3, I don’t necessarily trust his form. At 4.9m, however, he’s a tempting acquisition.

West Brom 1 – 1 Tottenham

Tottenham extend their unbeaten run with a last minute Dele Alli goal, but will have to settle for a point despite a dominant first half.

Tottenham enjoyed 97% possession this match, and should have consolidated that control with a few goals in the first half. Deli Counter, Sony Eriksen and Ben Davies all had efforts saved by the impressive Foster, though with Son not starting, it’s little wonder they couldn’t find the back of the net.

Fortunately for West Brom, Tony Pulis used to man the fishing vessels on the brutal North Sea before a career in football. He’s used to weathering storms – quite literally, in fact – and he guided his team through this one with impressive dexterity. “We didn’t catch much” said Pulis after the game. “But we’re still alive”.

Nacer Chadli looked to have won the game for West Brom when he scored with 8 minutes to go, but Tottenham showed their character once again to rescue a draw and, almost as importantly, continue their unbeaten run.

My tip: Dele Counter has shown some recent form, and might be a cheeky differential in your midfield.

Crystal Palace 0 – 1 West Ham

West Ham grabbed a much needed win at Crystal Palace who missed a penalty through Christian Benteke.

Crystal Palace would have fancied themselves before the start of this game. The Eagles had found some form, and that combined with West Ham’s dire start to the season meant things weren’t looking good for Bilic’s men. Bilic, incidentally, has been looking progressively more forlorn as the pressure of managing an underachieving team weighs on him. The Croat recently told us that his look is inspired by Peter Jackson’s interpretation of Golem, the only difference being that whilst Golem is desperate for a ring, Bilic is desperate for a win. He was caught just before kick-off masturbating to last season’s Premier League table, whispering “my precious” and frothing at the mouth.

Saturday evening saw his prayers answered, but he needed some good fortune along the way. 9 year old schoolgirl Lanzini finished a well placed cross to open the scoring on 19 minutes, but West Ham were lucky to hold on to the slender lead. Benteke, who is only permitted by law to score with a header, missed a terribly taken penalty, before squandering another golden opportunity to equalise moments later. The Belgian, who’s wedge-shaped head was genetically designed by Alan Pardew to head a football, will rue what should have been 2 easy chances for him.

The action didn’t stop there, however. Aaron Cresswell, confused by the sensation of actually winning a game, panicked and went on a rampage in the 75th minute. 2 yellows and 51 seconds later and West Ham found themselves down to 9 men and Lanzini.

The win, however, pulls West Ham out of the relegation zone, and keeps Crystal Palace in 8th place.

My tip: though West Ham got all 3 points, they hardly looked convincing on Saturday. I’d wait a few more matches before I consider their players.

Middlesbrough 0 – 1 Watford

Watford battled out a narrow win over Middlesbrough, sending them into the top half of the table and condemning the hosts to a 3rd successive home defeat.

Up until the 54th minute, this match felt very much like a Sunday afternoon game. It was slow and lazy: a pretty miserable affair. I don’t recall Capoue touching the ball, and Watford’s keeper, Gomes, was seldom tested by the toothless Middlesbrough offensive.

That was until, 10 minutes after the break, Ain’t No Holebas Girl blasted a perfect, swerving strike into the top corner. It came from nowhere, like Ched Evans in a hotel room, but it changed the complexion of the game entirely.

In the post-match interview, Middlesbrough manager Aitor Karanka was forced to admit that it was an administrative mistake that lead to his appointment. “I’m actually a sales consultant for a double glazing firm” admitted the Spaniard. “I keep telling this to the board, but they’re happy with how things are going so far. They also want a quote for the executive boxes.”

Another blank for Capoue owners, and the many who bought in Drake Deeney as a 3rd striker option.

My tip: Isaac Success looked dangerous, and could well be a danger for Watford in the coming weeks.

Southampton 3 – 1 Burnley

Southampton’s superb 2nd half display saw off a brave but inferior Burnley side in Sunday’s 2nd game.

Southampton manager Ronald Weasley had vowed not to use any spells before the game, but that seemed to go out the window at half time, when the ginger wizard could be seen pointing a knobbly twig at Charlie Austin from the touchline and muttering under his breath.

His incantation seemed to work, as the prolific striker scored a brace within 14 minutes, with Nathan Redmond adding to the tally with a fantastic finish. The fact that his side let the likes of Nathan Redmond score will be a huge concern for Burnley manager Sean Dyche, who had been busy as one of Justin Bieber’s dancers on the UK stint of his tour until Saturday night.

His side showed resolve, however, with Sam Vokes converting from the spot to make for an interesting last 20 minutes.

But Southampton’s defensive resilience – despite a speight of injuries – held firm, giving them another well deserved win.

My tip: Charlie Austin adds his name to the steadily growing roster of great striker options. With Southampton in form, he could be a valuable asset.

Liverpool 0 – 0 Man Utd

In what was the most anticipated game of the season, Liverpool and Man Utd saw out an uninspiring and uneventful goalless draw on Monday night.

Jesus Christ. When you’ve written over 2,000 words, it becomes very difficult to muster the enthusiasm to write any more about a game like this. The game had a total of 4 shots on target, and there were some fantastic Pubic De Gea saves in the second half. There, that’s the match summarised in a nutshell. Oh and Zlatan missed a header. Oh and Pogba went AWOL and nobody has managed to find him yet. He’ll be on Crimewatch later this week.

I had a Chinese last night and the black bean sauce was unusually spicy. I don’t have a particularly high spice threshold so it was a difficult dish for me, but I saved face and powered through it nonetheless. Today though, my anus is suffering from the dreaded “ring sting” – a harsh reminder of last night’s perseverance. I thought I was being brave, but on reflection, I was being stupid. The black bean sauce wasn’t even that nice. My anus deserves better.

That was a more interesting account of last night’s events than my account of the football would’ve been. You’re welcome.

My tip: don’t get your hopes up for Monday night football. Use some black-bean sauce to set your anus on fire instead.

If you’re interested in the trials of tribulations of my own team, you can follow my progress here.