My mother recently got worse mentally. It happened so fast that I felt like the ground was taken from beneath my feet. Just two days after my mother went into crisis, I had a disturbing dream:

I dreamt that I was in a building with my sister's friends and they were being absolutely awful to me. So like any other rational human being, I decided to just leave. On the way out of the building, I decided to take the elevator down... except it wasn't a normal elevator... it was a simple platform. As the platform started to move down I could see that the shaft was made of brown bricks. Suddenly my boyfriend was there and we were lying down looking up. He started wobbling the platform as a joke... then the bricks started to move a little. I asked him not to, but he kept wobbling the platform.

The bricks fell down over me... and I woke up in the rubble of brown bricks... alone.

While some may find this dream too disturbing, I actually find it kind of comforting. The dream is an accurate representation of what it is like when her mental illness acts up. I already have other problems, then suddenly a building collapses on me... again. A feeling so familiar, it almost feels like home. The dream makes me feel more validated, it shows how much she really affects me when she is mentally unwell. Not that I would ever dare tell her about this dream, but at least I know.

She genuinely thinks her behaviour is rational.

She will yell me over things like a messy room... yes, this sounds normal, but it's not normal behaviour the way she does it. What's so abnormal about her is that she has no problem cleaning my room for me but the moment I ask her nicely not to she completely loses it ... but that only means she would be trading my happiness for hers? I can't help but think it is fair to not want her to see my collection of butt plugs. It's not as if she gives me any warning, she just walking in and cleans. She uses to do it while I was still in the room but now she just waits until I'm at work. My room will the same for months and suddenly she has a problem with it one random day. If I could clean enough for her to leave me alone, I would! How can I meet her standards when she cleans after I clean because my way wasn't good enough? I have a full-time job too, I can't help but feel it's normal for my room to be messy.

The worst part is that my father doesn't believe me how awful she can be—she is delusional and he simply can not see that.

She is emotionally abusive.

Hold on, there's a bit of a rant here, you can skip to the bolded part if you want to skip the rant.

She has called me selfish and ungrateful... when she doesn't even make dinner? She has accused me of faking my ADHD. She had screamed at me "You live like a Pig!" and the way she said the word pig had so much emphasis and hatred on it.

She has told me, "You can't move back in once you move out—even after you get fired for being late and after your boyfriend leaves you for being messy."

Overall, the sound of her voice makes my skin crawl. Not the actual sound of her voice itself, but the tone. Oh, how she says everything, especially when she calls my name. There's nothing like a mother's love, right?

Meanwhile, at work I'm apologizing so often it annoys my co-workers. I guess I'm used to being sorry so often because my mother is so irrational?

During one of her manic phases, she walked into my room, without knocking, as she was twirling her fingers in some weird dance while making some sort of happy noise. This was during my teen years so I don't remember exactly what she said, but she implied that I was promiscuous. I told her "You're not exactly a virgin yourself" and h er response was simply screaming the word, "Whore!" The truth is this was the time I was the least offended out of all the times she implied I was a whore. At least this time she actually came out and said it.

She doesn't want me to be happy.

I've noticed a trend for when her mental illness seems to affect me the most. It's whenever something good happens to me. She "suddenly" got worse when I got a boyfriend and the exact same thing happened when I got a full-time job that I love.

Knowing this helps, if I never noticed this trend I would be stuck under thumb forever. My new path in life is finding happiness... after years of my mother wanting me to be miserable with her so she isn't so lonely.

I hope this helps.

I wrote this for two reasons. The first is that it is a bit of a diary entry for me (being honest). The second that I hope it helps others who are in a similar situation a me. Living with anyone with a Bi-polar puts a stress on the entire house hold... living with a parent with Bi-polar can really damage your self-esteem. I just want whoever is reading this to know, you are not alone. There are others who are living in similar situations as well. Oh and also, it's not your fault or your responsibility if your parent is bi-polar.

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