POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect. “We found that many men were unsatisfied with the duration of our previously offered leave, so we’ve amended our policy to accommodate those on staff who would like a little extra time to lower themselves in the eyes of their coworkers,” said vice president of HR Ben Nylen, explaining that the new 12-week leave was designed to give fathers ample time to show business associates that they’re effeminate weaklings unfit for the high-stakes world of finance. “Taking advantage of a full three months off is not only a great way for men to lose the personal and professional esteem of their peers, but also an opportunity to become the subject of ceaseless ridicule around the office.” Nylen added that, after taking an extended paternity leave, male employees were welcome to come back to the office and be overlooked for raises and promotions for the next dozen years.

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