opinion

COMMENTARY: Transgender experience can be lonely

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Self-trust is the essence of heroism.”

To begin the process of transitioning beyond the gender you were assigned at birth takes a great deal of courage. To act on a decision that could result in ostracism requires a trust fall into your own arms. Many transgender people go through extensive soul searching before they embark on the physical journey of transition.

Self-trust is empowering and enabling but incredibly isolating. The decision to follow our own truth may cut us off from family and friends. The decision to begin my transition isolated me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The emotional isolation of transition begins the moment you are scolded for feelings that don’t fit societal norms. My moment was when I realized the crush I had on my female babysitter was considered wrong. My emotions remained the same but they were wrapped in shame and guilt. I knew what thoughts to keep private and what could be expressed.

I couldn’t imagine speaking the truth that I didn’t feel female. So I didn’t. I didn’t express a full range of emotions. I kept my deepest desires and passions hidden. I was protecting myself. I was protecting my dreams from ridicule. I’ve received a pretty clear message from our society — there isn’t room for you here.

I felt physical isolation when I began hormones. I avoided people in my life that I felt might reject me. I couldn’t handle the emotional heavy lifting of transitioning and being rejected at the same time.

My voice deepened, so I stopped calling my friend who was in her 70s. I didn’t want to confuse her. Eventually, my breasts were gone. I loosened my embrace when I hugged family members. I relocated and I was terrified to find a new massage therapist. I avoided any situation that involved a locker room. I was afraid of situations where I had to use my birth name. I was beginning to love my body but was afraid it would cause someone to harm me.

My spiritual isolation began in my teen years. I grew up extremely religious. I adored going to church and felt a strong connection to God. However, the message I heard over and over about homosexuality made me feel like it was impossible to remain active in church. I couldn’t come to love myself and still love the church. I had to distance myself in order to survive. I’ve often said that having to leave the church was my first heartbreak.

“I have been living as a man for years now but as I am getting older I have found that I feel so isolated from every community, said Andrew, a transman in his 30s. “People feel the need to label you somehow and this is why I feel isolated from the cisgender (a person who identifies with their sex assigned at birth) world.”

The labels are everywhere from clothing sections to bathrooms. When these labels aren’t congruent with your reality, it becomes difficult to be a part of the community as a whole.

Even today, I am most comfortable alone. Navigating a world that is highly gendered is emotionally taxing on someone who identifies in the gray space of gender. The sirs and ma’ams. It’s a daily negotiation of how much to reveal and how much to conceal. You have to be ever vigilant of your surroundings. I’ve left many restaurants, bars and stores because I did not feel safe. In most cases, I’ve isolated myself for protection.

Despite the isolation, I trust myself. Despite the sacrifices, I continue to speak my truth. Because only I know the deepest parts of myself. Even in a world that acts violently towards my decisions, I move forward because it is simply who I am.

As I walk fully myself into the world, these words from Emerson surface in my mind, “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

Leo Caldwell is a transman from Indiana and living in New Jersey. Reach him at leo@leocaldwell.com and @leo_caldwell.