WASHINGTON—In a scathing attack on the very foundations of democracy and everything the United States stands for, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) disrespectfully referred Monday to America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, as “a place.” “It’s unconscionable to think that this so-called American would use a vile term like ‘place’ to describe the shining city upon a hill without so much as mentioning its spacious skies or amber waves of grain,” said Maryland resident Greg Blankford, echoing the sentiments of the 327 million patriots condemning the freshman congresswoman’s characterization of the nation as “a location” as anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, and anti-American. “Maybe to her it’s just a country, but to the rest of us, it’s a country whose brave soldiers died to protect our freedom. At no point did she even try to correct her mistake by saying the word ‘troops’ or saluting the nearest flag and crying. What a monster.” At press time, Americans across the country demanded that Omar apologize by dressing from head to toe in patriotic American flag clothing, pulling out a fife, and performing a stirring rendition of “Yankee Doodle.”

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