Major religions ‘not so different’ say leaders united by mistrust of gays

Catholics, Sikhs, Muslims and two sorts of Christians are celebrating today, after finally finding something they can agree on.

With gay marriage firmly on the political agenda, religions can at last unite behind a common set of prejudices.

Faith leaders have spent centuries poring over the bits of their books that mention domestic arrangements, so they can condemn those that choose to live a bit differently.

“We’ve struggled up until now to present a common front”, admitted Farooq Murad of the Muslim Council.

“But when we looked into our hearts, we knew we shared a common bigotry.”

Religions united

Tired of hiding behind their own religions as an excuse to obsess over the rituals of homosexuals, four of the leaders have decided to come out.

Standing shoulder-to-shoulder for the first time in public, the group proudly declared their mutual love of opposing same-sex marriage.

“We’re not being homophobic”, claimed Lord Singh of the Network of Sikh Organisations.

“We just want to constantly draw attention to gays, and criticise every single thing about them.”

All five leaders believe a committed opposition to gay marriage can hold even the oddest bed-fellows together, no matter what challenges the future might hold.

To celebrate their union, the faithful five are demanding their beliefs be recognised in a civil ceremony, hosted by Lord Tebbit and attended by other senior bigots.

“It doesn’t have to be anything big”, said one of the two bishops, picking out his favourite frock.

“Just something that recognises how far we’ve refused to move in the 21st Century.”

While some major disagreements still remain over what meat to serve at the reception, relationship experts believe the ‘homophobic love-in’ could last for years.

“There’s bound to be the odd argument, fatwa or excommunication”, admitted psychologist Anne Shearwater.

“But I’m sure they’ll see this through to the death, just like in all the best marriages.”