Dear Minister,

please do not allow Ben Stokes to come to Australia.

As evidenced with the shocking assault seen on many news media outlets, we do not need this kind of riffraff in our bars, clubs or cricket pitches. We believe there is a distinct possibility of risk to the Australian public and our chances of regaining the Ashes.

As a society, we cannot tolerate more violence on our home soil. We know from recent examples such as the welcoming 'Liverpool Kiss' delivered to Bancroft, that the Englishmen cannot be trusted to contain their wicked tendencies. This distrust extends to the ECB who will pull a shifty and announce Stokes to the English Ashes line up, now they are 1-0 down. We know from history they like to employ what they can to get the wood over us. Remember Bodyline? This is also evidenced by my mate being able to select Stokes in Ashes Cricket on the Xbox(fun game by the way, we should play some time) and proceeded to beat me soundly.

Australia has a proud heritage of selectively letting people in. It’s our birthright to protect our country. We were here first* so we are dedicated to operation sovereign borders (or whatever it’s called). We’re really into stopping people getting here. We’ve tried to stop Eminem, we’ve constantly the changed the rules for people working here, we’ve stopped a veritable fleet of water craft carrying people from other places and - although we couldn’t stop them - we managed to deport Johnny Depp’s dogs, Pistol and Boo.

For crying out loud, you wouldn't even let Dusty's Dad back in to see the Brownlow or Grand Final. Although we suspect this due to you being a closet Crows supporter. If this is the standard we set for our New Zealand compatriots, we cannot see how you would let one in and not the other. As Stokes was also born in NZ, the precedence has been set.

Do us all a favour and put a stop to this now. We really couldn't handle the Barmy Army if Stokes enabled England to retain the Ashes.

Yours sincerely,

The Australian Cricket Loving Public