DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the head of another guy while competing for her attention,” said a source close to Owens, emphasizing confusion as to how any female could inspire such indifference among men, let alone instigate by her very presence exactly zero bar-wide brawls resulting in the bartender firing a shotgun into the ceiling as a warning to the dozens of desire-crazed men violently competing for her favor. “Not once have I seen two men sidle up to her at the bar at the same time, say ‘Seat taken?’ in accidental unison, and trade insults that escalate into a shoving match until a third suitor approaches, smashes the heads of the first two together, and sits down triumphantly beside her. She’s just hopeless. What’s wrong with her?” At press time, Owens was seen sighing between drinks of her cocktail as a fight erupted among the bar’s male customers over whose turn it was to play darts.

Advertisement