The minister for rural sanitation has lost his sanity, say his critics who seem to have lined up like rows of dawn defecators. When he said toilets were a higher priority than temples, Hindu fundamentalists took his alliteration literally, and wanted him flushed down the non-existent commode-ity. Now Jairam Ramesh stands accused of skewing the rural marriage market with his latest slogan, ‘No toilet, no bride’. At a public meeting in Kota district’s Khajuri village, he told parents of marriageable daughters to reject those sasurals which were sans indoor sanitation.

Having seen and smelt the all-round lack of public facilities, we are all for more private conveniences for young women. We might even go so far as to say that fewer bahus are okay if it means bahut business for sanitation engineers. But social engineers have other pipe dreams, and they want to use the minister as toilet paper for spoiling the prospects for poor, village grooms.

The batterati will always find a stick to beat their rivals, and drum up their own image as righteous upholders of whichever cause is allegedly threatened. The earlier Jairam-Ram objection to mentioning temples in the same breath as toilets was quite uncalled for since Ramesh wasn’t singling out only the Hindu rate of religious growth; he had used the noun non-denominationally. But those who made political capital of his statement will be followed by those who want to distort the dirty picture we present.

They will scoff, “Beleaguered brides are subjected to all kinds of indignities, but the mantri-ji is only concerned about their having to go out into their sugarcane fields to defecate.” Btw, since they have to do so at night, does this prove that rural women never have a field day?

While any assessment of the status of our women still resembles “the report of a drain inspector”, as Gandhiji des-cribed Katherine Mayo’s polemical book, Mother India, the Jairam Ultimatum could actually improve our abysmal statistics. Unfortunately, again, in our MCP society, it’s the shrimati-wannabe who might end up paying the bride price. Greedy parents of suitable boys could turn ‘No toilet, no bride’ on its ghunghat-covered head, and add ‘installation of indoor latrine’ to more conventional dowry demands.

Of whatever else you may accuse Ramesh, it cannot be of playing politics since the mantri’s new mantra was expounded in Congress-ruled Rajasthan. He pointed out that only 321 of the state’s 9,177 gram panchayats have been able to spare their residents the indignity of open defecation. This bodily function may be gender neutral, but men are less inconvenienced. It’s more than apparent that they are under no obligation to excrete under cover of darkness. In every field, it’s only us females who get a bum deal.

While trying to spare indigent young women indecent exposure, Jairam’s solutions have unwittingly exposed the rich-poor divide. Toilets are not just the sanitation minister’s objects of desire. While the masses may not have a squattie to call their own, the rich have gone potty over bathroom fittings and fixtures. The solid gold faucet may still be the indulgence of only the precious Mittal, but as soon as Mr & Mrs Middle Class learn to spell ‘aspiration’, they head for the sanitary-ware showroom. Extravagance for extravagance, these expanses match their counterparts dealing in counterpanes, or even those stores specialising in lavish drawing-room furniture.

True, everybody needs to go, but in bathroom fittings as with funerals, some get to go in style.

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Alec Smart said: “Shouldn’t the BJP make Nitin Gadkari into Not-in Gadkari?”