WASHINGTON—Revealing that bald-faced lies and shameless double standards are the most reliable way to outmaneuver one’s opponents, a report released Wednesday confirmed that massive hypocrisy just flat-out gets the job done. “Changing your stance based on temporary expediency has proven time and again to be a slam dunk in terms of advancing an agenda,” read the report, which went on to state that there are no major downsides to doing one thing one year and doing the exact opposite the next because the majority of people do not remember anything that happens in the world for more than a week or so. “Whether you are engaged in a carefully calculated strategy of dishonesty or just spouting the first lie that comes into your head, hypocrisy works wonders. You will never be held accountable and will instead be admired for your strength and pragmatism as a leader. Evidence also suggests the only way to defeat a hypocrite in power is to become an even bigger hypocrite yourself.” The report went on to conclude that not only is brazen, amoral hypocrisy the best way to enact your personal vision, it’s also fun.

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