At the beginning of summer, I finally upgraded my bike to a Stumpjumper FSR Comp 29. There are a lot of little differences between it and my old bike, such as the new one isn’t a janky llama turd, but it also came with a fork that has a 15mm thru axle.Supposedly this makes my steering better somehow, but given that I have about as much mountain bike skill as your average beer fart has table manners, I can’t say that I have noticed.

I just turn the pedals, go up the trail, and then drink beer. Or wine. Or liquor. I’m not picky, okay?

If only I’d known how horrible 15QR skewer axle thingies could be.

This little bastard will ruin your life.

One Friday night in late August, some friends of mine and I headed out of Atlanta to Blanket’s Creek for a little night time adventure. Headlamps aglow, we rattled around the trails in the close summer humidity, then stood around drinking and talking trash. It was a great time.

Author's buddy Charles ripping it up in this not-at-all posed photo.

The only problem is, once I got home and pulled my bike out of the truck, I noticed my 15QR axle skewer thingy was missing. Damn and blast!

Oh well, I have lost many a skewer in my time. No big deal. I’ll just order another one up and it’ll arrive in a few days… except hell no it won’t.

Unbeknownst to me, replacement 15QR axles are so rare only unicorns can order them. On a moonless night. While a trio of virgin floutists toot the melody of Gangnam Style in three-part harmony. And even then the thing costs seventy-five American dollars.

Once I stopped screaming, I ordered my skewer using the above procedure on August 27th, but, as of September 19th, it isn’t even here yet. As I write this, I currently have no idea when it will arrive, and it’s quite possible that I will go the entire month of September without doing anything more than gazing longingly at my bike. I am in hell. Hell!

The only way I can think of to accurately convey the hellishness is to list 25 awful things that are, well, awful, but still not as bad as losing a 15QR skewer. Hopefully my pain will keep you from repeating my mistake. So, off we go.

I give you: Twenty Five Awful Things That Are Better than Losing Your Fox 15QR Skewer Axle Thingy:

You must let a gorilla pluck your eyebrows with a pair of channel lock pliers You have to use your fingers as disc brake calipers Have to qualify for downhill world champs on a tandem beach cruiser You get a new job as a truck tire You break your left collarbone… with your right collarbone Finding all your loved ones — all of them — in bed together Mow the lawn goat style. Teeth only. You can now descend stairs only by sliding down them on your belly. No hands. Car door handles deliver random electric shocks only to you Your late night texts automatically forward to everyone at work, retroactively Saddle height changes randomly to ensure maximum discomfort Your brakes squeak recognizable Bieber songs and can not be repaired Meetings give you loud, uncontrollable gas. Cell phones auto-correct pronouns to all-caps swear words Underpants slowly shrink over the course of the day Your nipples become painfully tender, and everyone wants to bear hug you Dreaming about accounting regulations. Every night. For a year. Everyone you have a crush on forgets your name every time you see them. The bank lost your money, charged you a fee, found your money, deducted the fee, then lost your money again All your sheets are now constructed of ill-tempered snakes held together by venomous spiders Butt cheeks constantly falling asleep, then unbearable pins and needles Everything gives you paper cuts. Even cheese slices. All animals now hate you and screech, caw, or bark loudly when you go by Beer tastes like overly-salted pickles for a year No sweet loving for three months

Yeah. It’s that bad. Heed my tale of woe, friends, and do not lose your 15QR skewer axle thingy or you’ll regret it like crazy. Blee dat!