We’ve all heard the song. We remember that emotional scene in that movie. A father telling his son what is most important in life before he slips away. If this is the last time he ever sees his son, these are the things the boy needs to know; the only wisdom he knows to pass on. Just like in that song “Just the Two of Us” by Will Smith (I bet you forgot about that one) or that scene from my favorite movie that I know, in reality, is not very good; “John Q.” I’m sorry. I just have a weird thing for Denzel Washington and I hate the healthcare system.

One day, if I need to commit suicide so that my son can have my heart for a transplant that will save his life (You’re a hero, D. Wash), these are the things I would tearfully whisper into his ear as he lies unconscious in a hospital bed. In no logical order:

1. Call your mother.

2. Live like there is ALWAYS an attractive woman watching you.

3. Wash your hands after you pee. I don’t care if none got on you. Every single human gets real gross down there.

4. Never fight. But make everyone believe you’re good at it.

5. Video games are super tight.

6. I know it’s hard to get past the robots and ninjas but Transformers and Power Rangers are both contained in complex universes and include a lot of great relationship dynamics making it important to see past the explosions and jump kicks.

7. Explosions and jump kicks are super tight.

8. Don’t be in marching band. Be in metal band.

9. That girl is not out of your league.

10. Don’t overplay pain.

11. A job isn’t worth it if you can’t shut it off when you go home.

12. Respond to one question a day with a fart noise.

13. Eat Mexican food, Vietnamese food, Thai food, and cheeseburgers. In that order.

14. Listen to good music. I don’t have to like it. Just be able to tell me why it’s good.

15. If you want to believe in God then do it because you know he exists, not because you want to belong.

16. You will most likely do some things I won’t be proud of but if you become a battle rapper I will never not be proud of you.

17. Gain the ability to dunk and you will be better than everyone else.

18. If you’re not buying your tamales on a street corner or in a parking lot then they aren’t any good.

19. Aliens exist. Council on Foreign Relations. The Bilderberg Group. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Google.

20. 12 21 43 37 43 66 68 73 82 121 143 166 191 211 (This is just a random string of numbers that he is going to spend his life trying to decode. Nobody tell him.)

I need to stop now because my wife started looking over my shoulder making lame suggestions like “Don’t get too drunk” and “Be nice to animals”. Listen, kid, this is the important stuff. You can figure out all that other shit on your own.