Photograph by Cathy Charlton

Dear Young Empath

Coming of Age as an Empath Introvert

As a child, I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. It’s not that I was particularly religious, but I was both attracted to helping people and terrified of confrontation in equal measures. To me, most careers which involved helping people were synonymous with scary interaction — and with it the risk of accidentally hurting another, or being hurt myself. Life as a nun was the only path I could see myself coping with. I was also desperate to understand the world, to make sense of it. Days spent in meditation could surely be the only way to find necessary headspace in a relentlessly noisy world.

Skip forward twenty years, and I did not don a habit and devote my days to prayer. Perhaps my path into adulthood would have been less bumpy had I followed my childhood vision, but despite the turbulence, I don’t regret a thing. This journey has been one of learning, and I feel strongly that the next twenty years likely will, and should, be filled with the same highs and painful lows as the last.

The world is full of good and wonderful things, but as a highly sensitive child I was frequently hurt by moments which others seemed to barely register. With no way to voice this feeling, I wondered if I really was ‘too sensitive’. Some of my school teachers told my parents that I was borderline special needs because I did not interact as expected in class. These teachers believed that this was because I had below-average intelligence.

Class was full of confident children who could already voice their opinions. I was terrified of being wrong — or worse — accidentally hurting the feelings of someone else. I believed that everyone could be hurt as easily as I could. I believed that words, even when well-meaning, could be a powerful force for good or bad.

In teenage years I developed a thicker skin, and a false confidence which came from the need to survive. I wanted to fit in, and tried for several years to suppress my sensitive nature. I laughed when something hurt, and acted in ways that were out of character. It felt like I betrayed the most important parts of my own psyche, and I was deeply unhappy below a seemingly confident exterior. It took me a long time to learn that it is okay to be me, that the inner strength I worked so hard to bury could see me through. For a long time I believed that I needed to change in order to succeed in life. I judged myself by the dominant extroverted standards of the world. I pushed outside my comfort zone, which led to growth, but also created a huge amount of unnecessary anxiety. Interacting with the world in this way was draining, and I ended up on a path which pushed me to exhaustion and did not fulfil me. It took a serious health condition to force me to re-evaluate. The result? Finally I have started to find a healthy balance between calming my inner world and interacting with the outer one.

One of the biggest issues for me is constant (sometimes crippling) self doubt, and a desire to meet the expectations of others. This blinded me for a long time, and I made important life decisions — ones which are no one’s business but my own — for the wrong reasons. I do not regret these years, because they have helped me to grow in a way nothing else could. They have given me fuel to write about, strength to persevere, and an inner clarity which was not there before. I was so jumbled, had so many thoughts, emotions, and anxieties, that I could not see a path through the smoke. Now I have an inner confidence that I never dreamt possible. I am still an introvert, but finally feel comfortable, happy, and self assured in my place in the world. Ten years ago I did not believe this possible.

My experience is that introverts can be confident, but it comes from inner peace, being fulfilled and knowing that they are on the right path. It comes from not betraying important ideals. There can be no false confidence, no mask, because eventually it will slip. In a noisy world which is exhausting enough as it is, it is too much to pretend.

I think the world is changing in such a way that sensitive children are better understood and given the best opportunities in schools. Things seem to have improved a lot in recent years, with more outlets for anyone to share their inner world. Blogs and online content have opened up gateways to understanding which were not available before. This is especially true for introverts, who otherwise would have to rely on spoken word or published books to share their thoughts. The internet has opened up a new platform for introverts, and helped to balance a world which often seems made for the extroverted.

It’s taken well into my adulthood — the best part of twenty years — to offer myself the same kindness, the same empathy that has come naturally towards everyone else. So I write this as a reminder for introverted empaths earlier in their journey, because it is what my younger self needed to hear — don’t give up on your ideals, don’t betray your inner landscape, and be kind to yourself in the way that only you know how. The world can be a beautiful place, but it can also be tough, especially on Highly Sensitive People. You need to save your strength to be the incredible, kind, emotional, insightful person that you have the potential to be.

Teachers, extroverts, anyone — remember that your words have more power than you expect when it comes to HSPs, especially children. It could be that an adult remembers a moment from twenty years ago, something which most may consider as minor, but for them it has left a significant impression. Let it be a positive memory. Inspire them to be the best version of themselves. The world needs all personality types, make sure they know this — that they don’t need to pretend to be someone else in order to fit in.

Plant hope.