If you wanted probable news then the smart thing to do today was to pay attention the Indianapolis Colts where team owner Jim Irsay and legendary quarterback expectedly parted ways and did so in a classy manner. If you wanted something off the wall then Chris Cook’s trial for assault was the way to go.

Dan already touched upon what happened earlier in how Cook and his then girlfriend, Chantel Baker, went to a strip club before the incident and also had an engagement ring for her that weekend to propose. Then this afternoon when Baker took the stand to give her version of the story it got even more outlandish. As expected, Baker contended that Cook was indeed acting in self-defense and that the whole quarrel was her fault. The most interesting things to note that per Baker were that Cook never put his hand around her neck, she was able to breathe the entire evening, the red marks on her neck were hickeys that Cook gave her, she threw a lamp at him to begin the fracas and later hit him with a wedge shoe leading to Cook acting in self-defense. Baker also stated she was upset early in the evening that Cook’s dance with a stripper went longer than she felt it should have and has kept one of Cook’s dreadlocks (he has since cut them) that she tore out that evening.

This is completely insane. Cook is listed with the Vikings at 6’2”; 215 pounds and Baker stated that she is 5’5” weighing 125 pounds. That’s pretty close to the scene in “Austin Powers in Goldmember” where Mini-Me fights Austin Powers with Number Three (played by Fred Savage… Mole!). I’m no legal expert myself, but unless the prosecution can prove that Baker was lying on the stand to protect Cook’s NFL career it’s going to be very difficult to convict Cook of the allegations and send him to prison. Then again, what do I know? The best thing we can hope for is that trial comes to end soon and the team will know if Cook will be available for the 2012 season. And then there’s also the hope that even if Cook is found not guilty he avoids problems with the law and strives to be a model citizen. Scenes like this get to be a bit much on Jerry Springer, let alone a courtroom.

Jon Merckle may be followed on Twitter @thevikingpig