They say sex sells. But the way ad agencies market vodka, you'd think it was a bottle of hot, throbbing cock instead of water and ethanol.


Yesterday we posted this dickcentric ad, which informs us that Skyy Vodka sucks balls. One commenter joked that instead of a phallic reference, "The message I'm getting here is one of racial harmony based on a universal love of cherries and quality, mid-priced vodka." If only!


Questions: Who is this ad for? Women who want to get drunk, have a threesome and suck balls with a friend? Or is it for men, who are suppose to believe that drinking cherry-flavored vodka will make women of all races drop to their knees? And what ever happened to non-sleazy yet visually interesting vodka ads?

Just another porny day in the Skyy Vodka neighborhood. This one has the added bonus of the completely dressed man tightly gripping his phallic symbol as the mostly-naked woman lies there: passive, submissive. She's raising her sunglasses, which are basically her only shield against the world… Letting down the drawbridge. Drink Skyy and women will throw themselves at your feet and remove items of clothing!


Role reversal, kind of! In this older Skyy ad (from 2002), at least there's an attempt at equality. He's all, "Want my dildo?" And she's like, "No thanks, I've got my own. Now leave. My whirlpool jets and I would like to be alone."


Three Olives Vodka has an "O-Face" campaign. Either they want us to believe that their booze is orgasmic, or they're recommending we sit on the bottle.


You don't have to understand Bulgarian to get this ad for Flirt Vodka: Drink it and women will scrape their knees on the pavement while pleasuring you sexually.


Effen Vodka has a provocative name — while "Effen" is actually a Dutch word meaning "smooth, even and balanced," obviously it is American slang for effing. As in: Fucking. The new campaign plays this up; here, a snow bunny says, "Nothing warms me up like Effen by the fire." The use of pink here, her come-hither look and the touches of fur (standing in for pubic hair) make it clear that her après-ski activities involve (shocker) sex.


Another Effen ad, in which a flight attendant — tried-and-true cultural shorthand for "sexy" — says, "There's nothing more satisfying than Effen on a plane." The empty aircraft and her non-regulation low-cut blouse help further the message that vodka is a substitute for dick, and if you want to hook up with this "stew," you'd better have the right brand.


In an interesting twist, this Effen ad features a male bellhop. The slogan: "Everyone enjoys Effen in the penthouse." The target audience here could be a man: Being waited on as you bang some chick in your hotel room makes you a stud, right? The employee's eyebrow lift could be seen as a silent high-five. On the other hand, I would like to think that this ad is targeted to women, interested in some really special room service. Either way: Vodka=cock. Check out the placement of the balls glasses.


Speaking of cock! This woman just happens to be applying her lipstick using a man's belt buckle because there were no mirrors available, right? Nothing at all to do with a blowjob, no siree! Keep in mind that this ad was shot by Terry Richardson.


Pravda Vokda's model seems to be saying, "I wish your dick had the girth of this bottle. And I don't mean the narrow section."


Brazilian brand Cabana makes ladies fall on the lawn in the throes of ecstasy. So if your penis fails to please her, try Cabana. It's that simple.


UPDATE: Okay, so. this is rum. My mistake. Still pervy.


Even when vodka ads are not explicitly equating drinking with having sexual intercourse, the sex is still there. The copy on both of these Three Olives Vodka ads asks, "What's In Your Martini?" The answer, of course, is:"A tiny lady in a suppliant position, offering up her cleavage." Why, what's in yours? An olive? How déclassé.


An oldie, but still around: Georgi Vodka objectifies and sexualizes a woman, focuses on a one part of her anatomy, and sends the message that if you drink this brand, you can "tap that ass," as it were. The best part of this story is that the butt in the Georgi ad belongs to Laurie Adams, the daughter of Martin Silver, the chief executive officer of Star Industries, which distributes Georgi vodka. Keep it in the family!

(P.S. A couple of years ago, the brand wanted Eliot Spitzer's "friend" Ashley Dupre to be its new derriere. True class.)


Svedka vodka has some of the worst ads ever produced, not only because of the creepy robot with breasts (did she go through puberty? Does she plan to breast feed?) and not just because "the #1 vodka of 2033" is a stupid slogan, but because it leads us to believe that the future will be just as sexist as the present, and that's depressing. In fact, it might even drive us to drink.


The 10 Worst "Sexy" Vodka Ads Reveal a Lazy Addiction to Cheesecake [BNet]

How Sexy Can Vodka Get? [Chicago Sun-Times]

EFFEN Vodka's Provocative New Campaign [Examiner]

Beam Global's Effen Vodka Gets Provocative [MediaPost]

Sexist Ad of the Week: Flirt Vodka. [Copyranter]

Related:

That's Still the Boss's Daughter's Ass [Animal NY]

Vodka Brand Wants Call Girl to Be Latest 'Butt Girl' [AdAge]