Taking the supernatural out of the equation, metaphysics is a branch of study that’s linked with philosophy. It basically has all to do with people, their perceptions…what is there and what’s it like. It’s less science and really more about the general way we see the world. If I’d have to relate it to anything…you know the expression “There is a point at which science advances so far it’s indistinguishable from magic?” Well The Friend Zone is, for all intensive purposes, exactly that kind of phenomenon. Fortunately for you, I’m about to take a sledgehammer and beat it into its component bullshit particles for easy dispersing. With any luck, by the time I’m done, this little nugget of sociological turd can be turned into compost and helping you grow some tomatoes.

So what is the Friend Zone? Think of it as a metaphysical room where there is no escape, and we find ourselves slamming into the walls hoping it will give way. We have no damn clue how we got in there, and the person we are interested in is on the other side of these walls but doesn’t communicate with us. The term “Friend Zone” is basically used for when these people give us a doorway that seems to lead out, and we desperate souls will lunge eagerly at full speed to get out of this imaginary prison. And then…WHAM!!! Hit in the face with a brick wall ala Wile E Coyote. See what happened there? We were given the hope of escape and it got dashed into out faces in the most painful way possible. There may be a brick wall behind it, there might be an alligator pit…it might even lead out, but the person on the other side just doesn’t want to tell us! So what do we do? We keep plunging head long towards those magical doors that appear out of nowhere, and we hope that there aren’t any Temple of Doom type booby traps.

And THAT is why I have a problem with the Friend Zone. It’s an artificially created zone, generated by fear, and maintained out of ignorance and misguided kindness giving the illusion of escape to the rabidly hopeful.

Look folks…I’ll level with you. I don’t mind being a woman’s friend. In fact, most of my best friends ARE women. Some of them, I’d love to date given the opportunity, but my interest doesn’t exceed the horrible logistical problems attempting a relationship would cause. When I really want to make the attempt though, I go for it, and consequences be damned. Why? Because at least then I KNOW. And knowledge of where you stand is the key to keeping yourself out of that Zone. Without that knowledge you’re in perpetual limbo without anybody making a move, and those feelings are just floating in the ether like greenhouse gases…slowly killing you while you intentionally make yourself oblivious.

The Friend Zone in many aspects has reduced the quality of important conversations that used to lead to personal growth. It’s a byproduct of an era in which no one loses, everyone is the same, and every human being is coddled into believing that everyone follows the same rules. I mean…I don’t know about all of you, but I look back on my rejections like a roadmap to where I am as an emotionally functional adult. Every person who came up to me and told me in a brutally honest tone that “They just don’t feel the same way” or that “They’re just not attracted to you”. They were brutal, albeit painful, truths that came slamming into our adolescence (and adulthood) with the collective weight of three freight trains barreling into us until we were a devastated mass on our beds. But we all took those lumps! Nobody used this simplistic term “Friend Zone” when in the reality it was just “I don’t feel the same way about you.” This led to emotional growth, to social awareness!

And to those people who don’t say anything, who don’t let these poor deluded fools know that there is no chance simply because you’re trying to spare their feelings…I’m sorry, but you’re not doing them any favors. People don’t get closure this way, and all it does is re-circulate the air until you’re just breathing in the same stuff you expelled 30 minutes ago. Real growth, real strength always seems to come from overcoming adversity and pain. I mean, honestly, when was the last time you saw someone who was coddled with a silver spoon placed firmly in their mouths, and a gold rectal thermometer placed firmly up the ass, actually having to utilize what we, the commonplace, call skill!? It’s the same idea, only on an emotional and social level. A person who never gets hurt is liable to collapse at the first real sign of trouble, folding like an amateur at a table full of card sharks. So if you want to help your friends? Break it to them gently, but without any doubt of how you feel.

And I know what those Friend Zone inmates among you are saying…”But I’m afraid of rejection!” Okay…children, I’m going to try to be gentle. At some point during the course of your self flagellation (whipping oneself), you are going to reach a point at which you are going to make a decision. Has beating yourself because you don’t know how they feel, reached a point where anything short of a full fledged confession will salve your wounds, or do you think you can keep going until you’re cut to the bone? Really, it’s up to you, but wouldn’t it save yourself a lot of pain and Neosporin if you just found out how the other person felt? Besides…nobody wants to stay in that bloody Friend Zone. The chips are soggy, the beer is flat, and that nerd from their fifth grade math class is still in there picking their nose.

And guys…I hate to tell you, but sooner or later we all have to man up. Most women want their men manly, and that means that when you have feelings, you blunder through them. No matter how embarrassing, no matter how dumb you may feel…it’s one of our endearing qualities. But nothing begins if you don’t take the initiative. Yes, there are a lot of women out there who will “grab the bull by the horns” and be the ones to make the first move, but ultimately it goes back to a woman wanting to be courted. That means, put on your best, suck it in, and be prepared to make an ass out of yourself. Because we will for a woman we like. Welcome to the arid land of Manhood, boys. Leave your self-consciousness and your insecurity at the imaginary door.

And that’s the way to get out of this self recycling bullshit cycle. GI Joe told you…Knowing is half the battle. And that’s what knowledge is, my friends. It’s the key. It’s the wrecking ball. It’s the bazooka. Once you confess, and once you get those feelings to the other person, and the other person tells you theirs…regardless of the outcome, those walls that were there are now gone. You might still be friends, but there’s nothing separating them from your voice anymore. Whether you stay friends is up to you, but if you were friends to begin with, then that’ll always be there. If things fall apart…well then maybe that foundation you put up was on quicksand to begin with. When you look back you’ll realize, there’s no such thing as a Friend Zone, because friendship or love won’t ever be contained.