By definition, straight dudes love pussy.

In theory, this holds up. They don’t like other dudes’ dicks, so they MUST love pussy! There are only two options to the straight man: Pussy, and Other Dudes’ Dicks. They choose Pussy, cuz likin’ dicks would make ’em gay. But in reality, they LOVE dicks. They’re obsessed with dicks. They’re constantly thinking about dicks. The one bit of distinction is: they love their OWN dicks.

I will say it again: Heterosexual dudes DO NOT LIKE PUSSY. They like their own dicks. Primarily.

If you liked pussy, if you really, truly liked pussy, if you were a Pussy Enthusiast, you would want to be all up in it. I remember talking to my friend the first time I went down on a girl and I told him I felt like I was praying. Like I thought about nothing else but pleasing her.

I know, that’s pretty gay. But lesbians LIKE PUSSY. It’s what makes them lesbians. Most straight men just don’t feel that way about it. They think of pussy as a portal to their own satisfaction. They don’t respect the pussy. They don’t love the pussy. They don’t feel like they’re praying; they feel like they’re putting in work and they better get a blowjob afterwards.

I’m going to suggest a radical reconsideration of the categories altogether.

Basically there are PEOPLE WHO LOVE PUSSY — those are Lesbians. And there are PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEIR OWN DICKS — those are Straight Dudes. (I guess there are also People Who Love Other People’s Dicks / People Who Actually Love Dick In General but … I don’t know anything about them so we’ll leave those categories to the side for now and keep the conversation about That Puss’.)

PEOPLE WHO LOVE PUSSY ARE LESBIANS. As a rule, I think. So yeah, we have Female Lesbians, that’s your standard Dyke, and Male Lesbians, that’s a straight-identifying man who is a Pussy Enthusiast. A rare breed.

Let’s take a look at someone who falls into the Pussy Enthusiast category.

Take Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne LOVES pussy. Pussy, Money, Weed: It’s in his top three and it comes BEFORE money AND weed. He says “R.I.P.: Rest in Pussy” and he MEANS IT. He loves it. He wants to live and die in it. “P-U-S-S-WHY?” Because it’s the reason he is alive. He needs it to stay alive; it’s like he’s gotta eat it just to survive.

I am sure that Lil Wayne likes intercourse just like the next guy. But he likes pussy UNLIKE the next guy. Here’s what sets male lesbians apart. What straight guy would say “Let me just taste ya, we can fuck later”? Our Male Lesbian Mascot here genuinely wants to eat it: for breakfast; like ice cream; like cold pizza, even, in some instances. It’s not that he doesn’t want his dick tended to; it’s that his interest in pussy isn’t a trade for his dick’s gain. It’s an end in itself.

Contrast that with the “Put it in your mouth” approach — those people who cannot stop talking about getting their dick sucked. This sounds like I’m talking about misogynists, but I’m talking about people who walk among us. People who just want to get their rocks off. They’re not male lesbians, they’re not pussy enthusiasts: they’re straight guys. And they want to fuck you. And that’s it.

I have heard numerous women complain about how their boyfriends — not some random lay, but someone who actually is in a committed relationship with them — won’t go down on them or don’t go down on them enough. How they have to ask for it and it makes them uncomfortable. How their men make excuses saying “You should shave” or “I’m tired” or “How about after we fuck?”

This is blasphemous to a lesbian. (Not going there re: what “fucking” means to a lesbian. It’s blasphemous on principle.) When I first heard this it sounded like a crock of shit but I’ve heard it enough now that I know it’s actually somewhat commonplace. And you know why? Because men don’t like eating pussy. They find it challenging and foreign. They don’t know what they’re doing and they hate doing things they don’t know how to do. They don’t like touching pussy. They don’t like smelling or tasting pussy. They period-shame and make fish jokes and are the group responsible for making vaginas sound like the most unappealing thing ever: a far cry from the pussy we lesbians know and love. It’s just a place to put their dicks. (And then, not put their dicks. And then, put their dicks.) For most straight dudes, anything about the pussy is just means to an end and that end always has to do with their own dicks.

Not all men are grossed out at the prospect of eating pussy, but I’m telling you, it’s a favor. Like Chris Rock said, every time a man’s being nice to you, all he’s doing is offering dick.

Every time a LESBIAN is being nice to you? All s/he’s doing is trying to eat that pussy. (Just kidding, maybe you guys have shared interests and s/he’s a people-person.)

I find it absolutely appalling that I’ve spent time trying to coach my female friends into getting up the nerve to demand their men go down on them. We’ve discussed tactics. We’ve brainstormed.

WHY SHOULD BITCHES BE BRAINSTORMING FOR SOMETHING THESE DUDES ARE SUPPOSED TO WANT? These dudes are just thinking about blowing their loads and their women are sitting back brainstorming about how they can trick their boyfriends into eating them out.

Meanwhile, in Lesbian Land, I dream of being literally consumed by pussy. And the dudes who dream about the same thing? That’s kinda gay. Not gay like, dicks; gay like, chicks. No, dicks are for straight dudes. That’s why our Straight-Dude-run world is covered in phallic symbols and somehow the clitoris was only discovered in 1998. Because who run the world? Not girls, Bey. Dudes who merely abide the pussy run the world. Dudes who oblige the pussy. Who tolerate the pussy. They don’t love it and they don’t want it because they’re not lesbians, and only lesbians love pussy.

And if you found a lesbian, male or otherwise, consider yourself lucky. They’d have you blowing kisses at them with your pussy lips, smooches. They’d make your pussy say “thank you” and then they’d say “you’re welcome” cuz they’re so well-mannered.

I know it’s a homo-normative take on the whole thing but hey, I’m a Hostile Homo.