Finland

Education: Top Finnish-language program in world



Source Of Tranquility: Near total ethnic homogeneity



National Anthem: Repeatedly chanting “Finland” in increasing volume until things sort of die out



Most Popular Dish: Pickled ice



Life Expectancy: 80.63 years, but in Finland



Last Violent Crime: Cudgel War of 1596



Prison System: Series of high-security saunas

Bhutan

Population: 750,000 people who are one with all



National Anthem: 3 minutes of children laughing



Education: 97% of residents know the sound of one hand clapping



Economy: Mostly service industry jobs of either taking people up mountains or carrying their corpses down mountains



Demographics: 65% National Geographic freelance photographers, 35% ethnic Bhutanese



Geography: Once beautiful, diverse landscape destroyed by monastery construction boom over past few centuries



Main Source Of Happiness: Watching Western backpackers think they’re having spiritual epiphanies

Canada

Form Of Government: Brutally oppressive regime that prevents Quebec from seceding



Official Languages: French, weird-sounding English



Percentage Of Population Comprised Of American Men Shirking Call Of Duty: 9



Most Common Profession: Well-enough-regarded actor



Main Exports: None. Not really into imposing themselves that way.



Maple Leaves Branded Onto Every Newborn Child: Yes



Paul Anka Index (PAI): 100

Switzerland

GDP: 72% tennis-based earnings from Grand Slam singles titles



Largest Employers: International art theft rings, international jewel theft rings



Currency: Lots



Number Of Colossal Statues Of Lindt Chocolate Founder David Sprüngli-Schwarz Carved Right Into Mountainsides: 53



Artisanal Handcrafted Goods: Out the ass



Life Expectancy Of Former SS Officers Residing In Idyllic Alpine Chalets: 92

Euphora Bora, Southern Joy Islands

Length Of Average Sunset: 24 Hours



Standard Of Living: All-inclusive



National Blood Alcohol Content: 0.09



Geography: 52% sun-dappled, 48% sun-kissed



Hours Per Day Spent Laughing While Throwing Fishing Nets Into Shallows: 7



Crushing Poverty Of Island Natives: Easily overlooked

United States

Main Export: U.S. companies



National Cuisine: Seconds



Percentage Of Happiness SSRI-Induced: 72



Resting On Laurels Since: 1957



Infrastructure: Works fine after good whack with wrench



Greatest Moment Of Happiness Average Resident Will Ever Experience: Going to batting cage at the Family Sports Center



Infant Mortality: So, here’s the thing with that…