GARGANTUANS FLUFF, ABRIDGED IN CAPS BY ANON:

*HEY GUYS REMEMBER WHEN MADRAK IRONHIDE ACTUALLY DID THINGS IN THE FLUFF GUESS WHAT*

TROLLKIN: WE ARE PUNCHING CYGNARANS IN THE BALLS RAWR

CYGNARANS: FUCKING SHITCOCKS

DOOMSHAPER: OH BTW WE'RE TOTALLY GOING TO GO TO CERYL AND FUCK UP YOUR SHIT EVEN MORE

CYGNARANS: DOUBLE SHITCOCKS

MADRAK: I AM TROUBLED THAT MY AXE OF MURDER BLOOD RAGE HAS FILLED ME WITH MURDER BLOOD RAGE ALSO MAYBE ATTACKING A MAJOR CYGNARAN CITY IS A BAD IDEA

BORKA: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PUSSY

DOOMSHAPER: WHAT BORKA SAID

GRIM: HEY MADRAK GRISSEL SENT ME BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING OUR FUDGE PACKED MAYBE YOU COULD COME ON BACK EAST SO THAT WE MIGHT STAND A CHANCE UNDER THE SHADOW OF NARRATIVE CAUSALITY

MADRAK: SORRY I'M TOO BUSY TREADING A LOT OF THE SAME GROUND AS THE WHOLE EMO-STRYKER ARC SO I'M GOING TO STAY HERE WITH ALL OF OUR KIN'S BLOODTHIRSTY SOCIOPATHS AND MALCONTENTS

GRIM: DOUBLE NAGA NIGHTLURKERS

*MEANWHILE*

RHYAS: YOU NEVER CALL WE NEVER GO OUT ANYMORE AND YOU KEEP HANGING AROUND WITH VAYL YOU'RE SEEING THAT EPIC WHORE BEHIND MY BACK AREN'T YOU I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS FOR PURIFICATION

SAERYN: UGH JESUS CHRIST

*JUST THEN SOMEWHERE WITH THE CIRCLE ORBOROS*

BALDUR: LOOK SO WURMWOOD CALLED AND BY MY CURRENT BARGAIN I AM OBLIGATED TO BEND OVER AND GRAB ANKLES IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DO SOME WORK ON YOUR FEET FOR ONCE

MORVAHNA: AHAHAHAHAAHAHA NOT FUNNY ASSHOLE

BALDUR: WE TOTALLY HERPED THE DERP FIGHTING THE SKORNE THOUGH SO WE DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE THE RESOURCES TO CONVERT OUR PYRRHIC VICTORY INTO SOME MEANINGFUL ADVANTAGE

MORVAHNA: THERE IS ONE WHO MIGHT HELP ONE WHO IS KNOWN AS THE ANGRIEST RETARD IN ALL OF THE CIRCLE

BALDUR: KROMAC OR KRUEGER

MORVAHNA: THE ONE WITH THE ARMY THAT'S BEEN DOING FUCK ALL

BALDUR: THAT DOESN'T NARROW IT DOWN

MORVAHNA: IT'S KRUEGER AND DON'T WORRY I WILL USE ALL MY POLITICAL WILES AND CUNNING TO CONVINCE HIM TO LEND HIS AID AGAINST EVERBLIGHT

*AND SO*

MORVAHNA: HEY YOU WANT TO LEAD THE FIGHT AGAINST EVERBLIGHT AND FEED YOUR ENDLESS SOCIOPATHIC EGO

KRUEGER: BITCH YOU'RE PLAYING MY SONG

*AFTER 30 PAGES OF UNBOUND RULES NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT, LET'S SEE WHAT GRIM'S DOING*

GRIM: WOW THE CIRCLE IS REALLY INTERESTED IN THIS MYTH ABOUT "MOUNTAINS THAT WALK" THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN I GUESS THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE LIKE TWENTY WOLDWRATHS TEARING THIS MOUNTAIN APART PROBABLY MEANS SOME SERIOUS SHIT IS GOING DOWN THOUGH

RASK: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA IMMA RANSOM YOU TO THE TROLLBLOODS

GRIM: UH WHY

RASK: BECAUSE WITH THE STRENGTH OF THE TROLLBLOODS I MIGHT FINALLY FREE MYSELF FROM THE GRASP OF BLOODY FUCKING BARNABAS

GRIM: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO LIKE THE LAST FOUR BOOKS HAVE YOU

OH BY THE WAY THIS IS THE FLUFF SECTION OF A NON-CYGNAR FACTION SO YOU BASICALLY AUTOLOSE

RASK: FUCK

*OKAY NOW IT'S CIRCLE TIME*

KRUEGER: WHILE I DISTRACT THE LEGION FORCE FROM THE FRONT YOU WILL PENETRATE THEM FROM THE REAR SOMETHING WITH WHICH I HAVE HEARD YOU HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE MORVAHNA

MORVAHNA: GODDAMNIT THIS SHIT ISN'T FUNNY

BLIGHTERGHAST: KRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR

EVERBLIGHT HAD KALLUS SPRAYPAINT "HERE BE DICKBURGLARS" ALL OVER MY MOUNTAIN COME CLEAN IT UP

ALSO HE MADE DRAGONSPAWN IN OUR IMAGE HE'S MAKING FUN OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

KRUEGER: MOTHERFUCKER I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE AGAINST THE ARMY OF YOUR MORTAL GODDAMN ENEMY

BLIGHTERGHAST: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT CRYX

KRUEGER: THAT'S NOT WHAT I OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE FINE KEEP YOUR ASBESTOS PANTIES ON MORVAHNA YOU AND GRAYLE TAKE CARE OF THIS SHIT

MORVAHNA: OKAY WE'RE FACING THE TWIN SISTERS OF EVERBLIGHT ONE OF WHICH IS A MANIPULATIVE HIGH-TIER HYPER-BITCH AND THE OTHER A SERVILE SWORD-SWINGING MORON THAT NO ONE EVER PLAYS

GRAYLE: WHY DO I FEEL THE STRANGE TUG OF AN UNSPOKEN SUBTEXT

MORVAHNA: GO KILL THE SWORD-TWIN YOU LOW-TIER BUMBLEFUCK

GRAYLE: okay.jpg

*AND SO THEY FIGHT AND MORVAHNA PURIFIES BREATH STEALER WHICH REALLY TELLS YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW*

*ALSO THE CIRCLE DRIVES OFF THE LEGION BECAUSE WE NEED TO STRETCH THIS WHOLE ATHANC SUBPLOT ACROSS ANOTHER THREE BOOKS OR SO*

*HEY-O LET'S SEE WHAT THE SKORNE-O ARE UP TO-O*

MORGHOUL: SO YEAH EVEN WITH AN OUTCROPPING WHERE WE CAN STATION OUR MAMMOTHS TO SHIT ON THE IOSAN TWILIGHT GATE (FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY) TAKING THIS FROM IOS MIGHT GO REAL BAD ANY IDEAS FEARLESS LEADER MAKEDA

MAKEDA: MARCH AT THEM FUCKING HARDER

MORGHOUL: ARE YOU SURE I MEAN THAT'S A LOT OF WALLS AND A FUCKLOAD OF GUNS

MAKEDA: WE'RE SKORNE WE DON'T HAVE A RANGE GAME BECAUSE GUNS ARE FOR PUSSIES

*AND SO THE SKORNE ATTACK LOSING A QUARTER OF THEIR FORCE IN THE FIRST HOUR AND REALIZING THAT GUNS ARE IN FACT NOT JUST FOR PUSSIES EVEN IF IOS IS CAEN'S GIANTY STINKY LADY HOLE*

MAKEDA: I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ANCESTORS WOULD LEAVE ME HERE ONLY TO LAUGH AS THEY WATCH US GET FUCKED IN THE FACE IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME BULLSHIT CONTRIVANCE TO TURN THE BATTLE IN OUR FAVOR

*SUDDENLY A FUCKING MAMMOTH FALLS OFF A CLIFF AND LANDS ON A BUNCH OF MAGICAL EXPLOSIVES WHICH BLOW ALL THE WALLS AND IOSANS TO KINGDOM COME*

*THE ABOVE ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENS*

MAKEDA: HOLY SHIT WE TOTALLY WON

MORGHOUL: DOES IT EVER BOTHER YOU THAT EVEN WHEN WE WIN IN THE FLUFF WE STILL ACTUALLY SORT OF LOST

MAKEDA: NO SHOULD IT

*AND NOW WE TURN TO LEGION AND FIND OUT HOW THE ARCHANGEL SOMEHOW CAME OUT OF THE SAME PLAYTEST CYCLE AS THE FUCKING MAMMOTH*

EVERBLIGHT: THROUGH THIS TOTALLY BITCHING DRAGONSPAWN THAT IS NONETHELESS INFERIOR TO A RAVAGORE AND SCYTHEAN IN 75% OF ALL LEGION LISTS WE SHALL SECURE MY DOMINION OVER CAEN

VAYL: WAIT WHAT

*A WILD CHARSAUG APPEARS*

*...IT'S A DRAGON*

*FROM THE SECOND IK MONSTERNOMICON LOOK IT'S BAD SHIT BECAUSE HE SEES THE LEGION SPAWNING ARCHANGELS AND IS INDIGNANT THAT A $135 MODEL WAS GIVEN SUCH SHIT RULES*

*STOP GIVING ME THAT STINK EYE TROLL PLAYERS WE'LL GET TO SHITTING ON YOU SOME MORE IN A BIT*

EVERBLIGHT: HEY LYLYTH TRY AND DISTRACT CHARSAUG FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS BEFORE YOU TOTALLY GET ANNIHILATED SO THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN GET AWAY YOU'LL GET COLLEGE CREDIT AND SANTA'S SLEIGH

LYLYTH: RAWR I AM FILLED WITH SUICIDAL RAGE AS EVERBLIGHT PLAYS ME LIKE A DRUM

CHARSAUG: I'M BIG AND SCARY AND YOU'RE ALL FUCKED NOW WAIT A SECOND YOU'RE HITTING ME WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME THAT'S NOT FAIR I'M GOING TO GO TELL ON YOU TO BLIGHTERGHAST

*AND SO CHARSAUG RUNS LIKE A SHINY CHANSEY IN THE SAFARI ZONE*

EVERBLIGHT: HOLY SHIT I AM TOTALLY AWESOME THE FACT THAT THE FUCKING RAPEWASP IS MORE BELOVED IN THIS BOOK THAN MY GREATEST DRACONIC CREATION NONWITHSTANDING

VAYL: UH DOESN'T TWEAKING THE NOSE OF EVERY DRAGON ON CAEN MAKE OUR LIVES A LOT MORE DANGEROUS FOR NO PRACTICAL GAIN

EVERBLIGHT: SORRY WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU AND THE TWINS IN MENAGE-A-TROIS ACTION SPEAKING OF WHICH LET'S KEEP FEEDING OUR FORCES PIECEMEAL TO THE CIRCLE SO THAT WE CAN STRETCH OUT THIS ATHANC ARC SOME MORE

*AND SO WE COME TO THE MINIONS SECTION*

*IT'S ABOUT MIDAS AND HIS QUEST TO GET A FUCKING ANIMANTRAX LIVER SO WE'RE GOING TO SKIP IT ON ACCOUNT OF ME NOT CARING AND THORNFALL FIGHTING OVER THE TOILET BOWL TROPHY WITH SEARFORGE*

*ANYWAY BACK TO THE GRAND FINALE OF SORTS*

MADRAK: MY DREAMS ARE DARK AND FULL OF DARKNESS LIKE MY NOTEBOOK IN JUNIOR HIGH

WURMWOOD: TONIGHT

YOU

MADRAK: HUH WHAT

WURMWOOD: SORRY I'M NOT USED TO ENTERING MORTAL MINDS SOMEWHAT-BENIGNLY OLD HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK

ANYWAY YOU CAN BE FREE OF YOUR CURSE BY LETTING ME KILL YOU OR GIVING YOUR AXE TO KROMAC SO THAT HE CAN KILL EVERYONE

MADRAK: I DON'T LIKE EITHER OF THESE CHOICES

WURMWOOD: TOO BAD I'VE PULLED SOME KEIKAKU DOORI SHIT AND GUESS WHO'S TATTLING TO DOOMSHAPER ABOUT THESE MOUNTAIN KINGS WE'RE TRYING TO FREE/CONTROL/KILL

MADRAK: AW SHITNIPPLES

GRIM: SO YEAH I SAW THE MARKER AND THE CIRCLE BEING ALL OVER THAT MOUNTAIN LIKE FLIES ON SHIT

DOOMSHAPER: OMG MADRAK GET YOUR BITCH ASS OUT HERE WE HAVE TO FREE THE MOUNTAIN KINGS

MADRAK: THOSE MYTHICAL EMBODIMENTS OF HUNGER THAT NEARLY ATE FUCKING CAEN INDISCRIMINATELY ARE YOU SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA

DOOMSHAPER: SURE IT WORKED WITH THE DIRE TROLLS AND IF NOTHING HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME I STUCK MY DICK IN THE ELECTRICAL SOCKET CLEARLY NOTHING WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN INTO PERPETUITY

BORKA: I'M DRUNK AND I THINK THAT'S GREAT LOGIC

MADRAK: SIGH

*AND SO THE TROLLS FIND THE CIRCLE AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT*

WURMWOOD: I'M JUST GOING TO SIT BACK HERE AND WATCH AND NOT DO ANYTHING

BALDUR: ME TOO

WURMWOOD: KROMAC GO KILL MADRAK LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BESERKER RETARD

KROMAC: ONE OF YOU COCKLORDS PISSED ON MY AXE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE RAWR DIE MADRAK

MADRAK: AW SHIT

BORKA: DYNAMIC ENTRY MOTHERFUCKER

*SO BORKA TACKLES KROMAC OFF A CLIFF AND THEY FIGHT FOR A BIT SPOILERS NEITHER DIES*

DOOMSHAPER: I NEED TO UNRAVEL THIS SPELL THAT WURMWOOD HAS BEEN WEAVING TO CONTROL THE MOUNTAIN KING QUICK MADRAK PUNCH A WARPWOLF IN THE DICK

MADRAK: UH OKAY

*THE MOUNTAIN KINGS AWAKEN TO THE SCREAMS OF A MILLION WARPWOLF SPERM BEFORE THE VOICES ARE BRUTALLY SILENCED*

*AND THEY EAT FUCKING EVERYTHING*

DOOMSHAPER: THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME

MADRAK: I JUST LOOKED AT THEIR STATCARDS AND THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT