The Black Caps’ famous test win over England in Auckland has been marred today, by accusations that skipper Kane Williamson introduced a series of foreign objects to the field in order to tamper with the score.

Cameras at Eden Park caught what appeared to be four distinct objects being used to bat, bowl, field, and otherwise change the score in a variety of ways, seemingly right under the nose of the captain.

Those objects included South African-born Neil Wagner, South African-born BJ Watling, Indian-born Jeet Raval, and Zimbabwean-born Colin The Big Homes*.

At a hastily arranged press conference today, Williamson acknowledged the presence of the objects, and admitted to being aware of their use.

He conceded that foreign objects “were introduced,” and that they were “doing things.”

“What kind of things?” he was asked.

“Oh, uhh, various things,” he nodded, sullenly.

“The decision was made in the dressing room, uh, prior to the uh, match, that we would use four foreign objects in order to attempt to gain an advantage in the game.

“I’m not exactly proud of it, but it’s what happened, and I can promise you, it’ll happen many more times under my leadership.”

Williamson says the call was not his alone, and was made by the “whole leadership group.”

But both privately and publicly, a rift is emerging within the team, with other New Zealand players saying they had “no idea” about the tactic.

Swing bowler Tim Southee said he was “completely blindsided” by the revelation that any of the four foreign-born players were on the field, saying he hadn’t noticed them at any point.

Asked how many people were in a cricket team, Southee replied “Ele– uh, seven.”

Coach Mike Hesson also denies involvement.

“I don’t know who any of those people are,” said Hesson, when confronted with the names of the objects. “I’ve certainly never seen that one in my life,” he remarked, pointing to a picture of de Grandhomme. “I mean that’s clearly not a real person.”

On the back of growing public anger, New Zealand Cricket is investigating the incident, not ruling out punishing Kane Williamson by never allowing him to shave again.

The scandal comes in the wake of accusations from earlier in the test that England brought sandpaper onto the field in order to sand down Craig Overton’s head into something more aerodynamic.

*English translations provided by Google.