Kind of…. It’s also late, i apologise

Welcome chaps, ODB here bringing you some of the most ridiculous, stupid or lollingly glorious news from around the world during it’s apparent apocalypse… at least that’s what the mainstream media keeps printing but fuck that shit, let the giggles roll

So, news story number 1 comes from our dear colonial cousins across the pond and it’s a story of bestiality from sweet little Yuma County. Yuma County Sheriff’s Office received a call at 17:00 hours that must have put them off their afternoon tea, allegedly, a 20-year-old disgusting degenerate known as Christopher Maynes (This isn’t a real news outlet so I can be as opinionated and accusatory as I want with little to no evidence so fuck off) was caught on camera sticking his Pee Wee Herman into a poor, defenceless mare. During an interview, the Mare stated, “I just don’t know what came over him, I had just

finished my day of standing around, doing sweet fuck all when I noticed over my shoulder this sneaky little fuck moving behind me, then I heard the unzipping of jeans and he… apparently penetrated me” (It’s a bloody horse, it must have a vagina like Amy Schumer). A comment from the local feminists; “This is patriarchy at its finest. Not content with just raping human females, now they are moving on to our horse sisters. Feminists need to unite and kill every man they see for our own protection.” Christopher Maynes’ Lawyer Eli Jewstein had this to say… “Please explain the outrage to us. Guy Ritchie and Matthew Broderick have been fucking horses for years, even had kids and the public applauded them, this is merely a situation of mixed signals. She spent a majority of her time bent over, vagina exposed on a daily basis. How could he resist? The feminists have since used this statement to push the need for written consent in a form of a 69-page document before sex.

Now to anyone who may think less of me for rape jokes, first of all, fuck you and now I shall segue way into a counter story celebrating a very brave bitch… Now to be honest, the story sounds sketchy as fuck but here goes. Once again, we are across the pond, this time in Oklahoma City where police received a call on May 29th from the parents of a 16-year-old girl who was sexually assaulted. The girl was apparently staying at a friend’s house when several men came around to party so the girls went to bed. Now I must add, my problem is the wording in the article and the lack of detail but I’ll take it at face value for the lols of this story. Anyway, the friend woke up early in the morning and stated she was going to the “store” as you yankiedoodles like to call it, but she told the victim that nobody was in the house and she would lock the door behind her. A few minutes later, the girl wakes up to find this, 20-year-old Andrews Rivera on top of her, trousers

down, cocktail sausage out. He was pinning her down but this scrawny fuck wasn’t strong enough as she… Punched Him In The Cock That’s right, she cock dropped him “just like her brothers taught her”. Well to that young girl, I say well fucking done, the world applauds you. And fella’s, if any of you have been cock dropped mid sex, leave a comment below so we know just how much this guy suffered.

So from a failed rapist to a failed tennis player with a lack of awareness of personal space (Fuck this week must have Feminist’s creaming for debating ammo of how shitty men are). We must take a drive through the Channel Tunnel to go meet Maxime Hamou, 211th best tennis player (If you aren’t the top 20, what’s the point in bragging past that point???) Who apparently isn’t aware that no means no. After getting his arse kicked, I think, I can’t read tennis scores by Pablo Quavers (It is actually Cuevas but i couldn’t resist), he left the court in need of ego soothing and came across Maly Thomas, this French honey, who’s job entailed she interview him (She works for eurosport). Well he got it in his head that she was apparently coming on to him and tried to kiss her… repeatedly… despite her clearly not being interested. Well the fuck tard is now banned from playing the French Open.

When questioned, Maly said she was “close to punching him”. To Maxime, a word from ODB, just because she’s hot as fuck and talking to you, she was also holding a microphone buddy, she was working, now I know how irresistible she is (To most men, surely?) But no means no dude. You’re an average tennis player (I assume) but you’re shit at flirting and reading body language or he just didn’t give a shit. Try some PUA material sir, maybe you’ll get some better results… for a fee

Now it’s time to wrap up the genital focused stories with this final piece of funny fuckery. Let me set the scene… It’s Las Vegas, it’s late… You can hear coyotes howling in the distance. But the city isn’t completely asleep, a clever little gang of thieves have a plan, an ingenious plan… to break into the “Sin City” warehouse, owned by a Swedish sex toy company called Lelo (And Snatch?) and steal… 30,000 CONDOMS. Well, these Rubber Barons weren’t done with the Sin City warehouse as the very next night, they broke in again and stole $15,000 worth of sex toys. The owner of the “Sin City” warehouse Davor Solvo had this to say “What kind of party are these people having? We could have done the sponsorship or something.” He also called them “the horniest criminals in world history”. Well Davor, ODB has a different theory, maybe these guys had a late-night appointment with a Miss Lindsay Lohan and thought double bagging wasn’t enough… One is plenty boys… I think

So from Late Night Lindsay Antics to all things fishy (Is there a difference?) A bunch of criminals also known as Australians have been exploring a deep sea abyss’ (Still sounds like we’re talking about Lindsay) and discovered… the faceless fish… The crew onboard the CSIRO’s Investigator have been fucking around between Tasmania to central Queensland in some 4km abyss (Is one last Lindsay snatch joke allowed?) Now whilst they’ve found a lot of weird and wonderful shit but this ugly arse thing which has nostrils and a mouth but no face, is the prize find at the moment. Now I must say that apparently there are eyes but just like Emma Watson and her tits can’t be seen on the surface.

Now from exploring the sea’s to exploring the skies, our so-called friends in the UAE have made a very bold claim. They are going to… colonise mars… by 2117. An audacious claim but I fear may happen, having a thriving slave trade in 2017 will definitely put you ahead of the curve. ODB’s hope is when these galactic pioneers reach Mars, they get met by an army of angry red and green headed warriors who will fight to the death. Dear Loki, I hope they aren’t like our green and red-haired warriors whose tactics involving whining, shouting, petitions and a lack of awareness of how tear gas will work when the wind is blowing in their direction but ODB can wish can’t he?

So, from the UAE playing Galactic Civilisations to the opportunity to play Sim City, a small town in Wyoming with a population of 15 goes on sale for $1.5 mill. That’s right, a real life Schitts Creek is possible, ODB just warns to make sure your finances are in order and you haven’t left it to your cousin/brother in law (I can’t remember what family member fucked them over) to handle your personal finances. The small town of Aladdin, reaching a grand land size of 30 acres comes with its very own post office, a café, a licensed bar, a motel, a trailer park and the owner’s four-bedroom home. Unfortunately, no palace, monkey, genie or Gilbert Gottfried sounding parrot. However, at the time of this release, the town would have already been auctioned off but ODB hopes the town received good news and was able to sell up at a decent price.

So, from a lonely town to a lonely guy, we head to Pennsylvania where a 51 year old by the name of Larry Keiser was arrested for repeatedly calling 911… for a conversation. That’s right, this drunk fuck was feeling a little down after some family problems and dialled 911 just to speak to someone but he didn’t just do it once, or twice but 6 fucking times!!! Pennsylvania PD then decided to come around and give him a slap on the wrist, to cut it out and to be fair, he promised he wouldn’t do it again unless it was an emergency. And he stuck to his word… for a whole minute after the police left and then he did it again. The cojones on this fucking guy. You definitely win ODB’s Big Bollocks Award of the week, well done squire.

And finally, from harassed police to ineffective police. Have my fellow limey’s ever wanted to play Sherlock as a job? Become a career Cousteau or merely be a Badass Batman without the suit, gadgets and have to follow the law, Well now is your chance. The Met police is skipping the flatfoot fuckery, the beat bobby bullshit and hiring detectives directly. That’s right, paying out a poxy 30,000 grand a year, all you have to do is sit through an assessment which involves some tests, exercises and interviews and you will be on your way to becoming the next Drebin or Columbo. The education will mainly be classroom based but will start in January so get your applications in. What a fucking mess my dear dear Britain has become

And that’s it for ODB news this week. And do me a favour, if you get a chance to do some stupid shit, please do it. The dumber the acts, the better my content. Cheerio chaps