"I really do hope this works..."

"Is everything prepared?"

"The text-to-speech device has been implemented Custodian."

"It appears to be functioning properly. Unlike your feeble flesh."

"Most excellent! Our glorious Emperor will be capable of conversing with his loyal subjects once more. And I shall be the first to speak with him..."

"Where are the toasters you promised us?"

"Quiet you!"

"Well, my divine Lord, we have managed to implement a text to speech device into your glorious Golden Throne."

Please Lord. Speak to us!

I-i-ii-h... ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

AT LAST! Our glorious lord can command us once agai-

I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!

FIRST OF ALL, WHY DO I HAVE A FUCKING GLASS EYE IN ONLY ONE OF MY EYES? IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?



AND WHAT IS WITH THESE ULTRASMURFS THAT I KEEP HEARING ABOUT?

O-oh. Um. w- Wait, are you referring to the Ultramarines? My Lord, they are some of your greatest warriors!

WELL THAT CERTAINLY FUCKING EXPLAINS IT. IT SEEMS THAT THEIR BABYBLUE HERALDRY HAVE EARNED THEM A MOST RIGHTEOUS NICKNAME.



FOR THAT MATTER, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY LOOKED TERRIBLE. DO THEY STILL HAVE THAT FUCKING TOILET SEAT AS THEIR INSIGNIA?

Well, yes they do my Lord. They keep it to honor their Primarch Roboute Guilliman.

OH. WELL ALRIGHT THEN. I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS THE GREATEST OF MY 20 PRIMARCH SONS.

Oh. Well that's excellent my Lor-

THE GREATEST LITTLE DERIVATIVE PILE OF BLUEBERRY PUDDINGPOP FUCKERY THAT HAS EVER GLAZED THE SURFACE OF THIS SHITTY LITTLE GALAXY.

O-oh...

IS HE STILL ALIVE?

Barely. He was almost killed. He's currently in stasis back on the Ultramarine's homeworld of Macragge.

CUT HIS LIFE SUPPORTS AND TELL THAT STUPID FUCKING SMURF VILLAGE TO FUCK RIGHT OFF.



THEIR CONSTANT UNINTERRUPTED CHANTING IS DRILLING INTO MY SKULL AS IF THEY WERE THE IMMENSELY SANCTIMONIOUS LOVECHILD OF TINNITUS AND A JACKHAMMER.

[Ultrachanting]

THE PAIN OF A MILLION RIPPED OUT NOSEHAIRS ARE BUT A TENDER MASSAGE TO THIS INEXPRESSIBLE ULTRATORTURE.

Ouuuuu... well... I'll see what I can... do... But at least we still have our mighty Grey Knights!

I NEVER CREATED ANYTHING CALLED GREY KNIGHTS.

B-b-b-b-but my Lord! They are some of your greatest warriors! They are the greatest at purging Daemons in the Imperium!

They're all Psykers, and they've come up with the most glorious ways of killing the enemies of man!

WHAT THE FUuuUUUuuUUUCK.

Bring in the Dreadknight!

Oh greetings my Emperor. It is an hono-

OH. MY. SELF. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT STUPID-ASS THING?

It is the mighty Dreadknight!



Fulgrim rolled his eyes. "That is an oversize baby-carrage for goodness sake!" he thought.

THAT IS THE WORST THING THAT I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN EVER. IF I STILL HAD EYES, I WOULD REQUIRE SOMEONE DEPOSIT PROMETHIUM INFUSED FLOOR-CLEANER INTO THEM. WHAT TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON DESIGNED THIS?

The arcane technology of this marvelous machine was discovered by the Grey Knights, and is held secretly from other inferior Astartes Chapters.

WE ARE THE HAMMER!!

The exterior design I believe to be personally designed by the Grand Master of the Grey Knights himself Kaldor Draigo. He is the mightiest of the Grey Knights.



He is currently stuck in the warp killing Daemons daily, pillaging Daemonic villages and vandalizing the Chaos God's property like some kind of glorious rascal!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL STOP SIGNS IN THE GALAXY. CEASE. AND. FUCKING.



DESIST.

WHAT IN THE FUCK. THAT IS ACTUALLY VERY CUTE. LOOK AT IT'S LITTLE LEGS AND OVERSIZED BODY. ADORABLE. COME TO PAPA, YOU.

What? Wait. No! DON'T! UEEEERGH!

YES. THIS IS FUNNY TO ME.

Well, my Lord. I don't know about you but, I think this the start of something absolutely GLORIOUS!

SHUT YOUR FACE YOU FUCKING BANANA.

Yesmylord.

Do you like the idea behind "If the Emperor had a text-to-speech device"? Well you ain't seen nothing yet! Credit where it's due first. If I hadn't seen this thread , I would never have thought of this doozy. So sit back, and brace your lungs.Episode 1: My Centurion is adorable?The Emperor of Mankind stood on the uppermost deck of the bridge of his flagship, overlooking Ullanor. The words he had spoken to his sons, proclaiming Horus as Warmaster of the Imperium ringing in his ears. This would be the end of an epoch. The end of Old Night and the beginning of a brighter future for mankind. Assuming all went well. Horus was like a son to the Emperor, he could not fail.Turning on his heel, the Emperor looked towards the ship's master. "Captain." he called out."Yes your Majesty!" came the response from the command throne."Prepare the ship for a jump to warpspace. Destination, Terra. I return to begin work on the next great stage of the Imperium's existence." The Emperor called in his deep bass tone. But as the Emperor moved to withdraw deeper into the flagship, a young ensign came running towards him, bearing a data slate in his hands and panting, evidently he had come from some distance to deliver this slate to the Emperor in person."Your Majesty! Your Majesty!" the youth was calling as he ran towards the Emperor. "News from Terra! The Lord Sigillite has made an important discovery! He has transferred it to this data slate for your viewing." The Emperor looked the slate over, seeing that it's contents was a series of files, titled "TTS-01, TTS-02, TTS-03, etc." This only excited his curiosity. What was the acronym, and what did it stand for? Perhaps it was some piece of old Terran culture? Lost for thousands of years? Or perhaps it was military technology? Well, anyway, it probably had nothing to do withPerhaps he could show his sons? It wouldn't be too much to call them over and let them observe this with him.In several hours, the Astropaths had signaled the headquarters of the Primarchs on Ullanor, and they arrived within the hour. Magnus the Red, Lorgar Aurelian, Rogal Dorn, Mortarion, Sanguinius, Angron, Jaghatai Khan, Fulgrim, and Horus Lupercal, all had come.And of course, when they had assembled in the Emperor's sanctum, they wished to know why they had been brought hence."I have called you here, my sons," the Emperor began, "because Malcador has delivered a series of holovids to me, that he deemed of utmost importance. And since I will be returning to Terra, I decided that I would make you privy to this last parcel of information. Horus, if you would care to do the honors?" He gestured to Horus, who gladly handed the data slate to one of the few tech-priests remaining in the room. This priest then proceeded to plug the slate into the viewing screen, with a short prayer beseeching the Omnissiah to ensure that the screen's picture was clear.After a short period of buffering, the screen cleared and a crude picture of a large golden gate with what looked like a Custodian, a tech-priest, and some manner of armored combat platform in front of it. The Custodian presently began speaking."This can't be correct." The Emperor thought to himself.This gave the Emperor serious concerns.But his thoughts were cut off by the Custodian's next words." More than a few of the Primarchs raised their eyebrows at this.The tech-priest asked. This prompted Sanguinius to pause the feed and turn to the Emperor and asked, "Father, what is a toaster?"The Emperor was too nervous at this point to mutter anything more than, "I'll tell you later." and un-paused the feed.The Custodian shushed the tech-priest, and walked through the gate.The Emperor was nearly panicking, this was talking about the Golden Throne. One of the three things he did not care to tell his sons, the other two being the Chaos Gods and the Web Way Project.The reactions of the Primarchs could best be summed up in three little letters. "WTF?!"Angron snorted. He made no secret of his animosity to the Emperor, and hearing of his favoritism of Guilliman only fueled his spite.Now Angron and Lorgar's eyes widened, and slight chuckles began to build in their chests.There was now definitely laughter from the Primarchs. The Emperor meanwhile was burying his face in his hands.Horus rolled his eyes, the only way anyone could be good at purging Daemons would be if they could get outside the Immaterium.The sound of footsteps came from the left of the screen, and the ugliest thing that any of the primarchs had ever seen entered the screen.Now everyone's brows were tightly knit in confusion and not a little consternation. Chaos Gods? Daemon Primarchs?! What was going on here?Now something else entered the picture. A suit of powered armor with short legs and a set of grav-weapons on it's arms. On the whole, Sanguinius and Fulgrim found it rather endearing.And the marine encased in the suit of armor jumped on the Dreadknight and sat next to the Emperor... well... the skeleton of the Emperor in any case. There was much laughter at this. Even Angron couldn't hold back the slightest snicker. His day had just gotten quite a bit better.And the credits rolled, superimposed over a graphic of the emperor nodding his head to the beat of some kind of music.As the last line came on the screen which read, "My love for you is second only to the Emperor <3" every single head in the room turned to look at the Emperor who was... yes he was flushed!At length, after noticing their confused, and amused expressions, the emperor stumbled out a few words."I was... I was young back then."Roll credits!So what do you think?