Is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the greatest cartoon theme song ever? Probably.

In this series I’m going to be looking at some of the greatest theme songs of all time to determine which is the greatest.

So let’s kick off with one of the best, the benchmark by which all others will be tested (it may well all be downhill from here) – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (shout out to my UK brothers and sisters who grew up with Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles. Brap Brap! Hero 4 life yo).

Somehow this minute-long song and the images that accompany it were designed to chemically fuse with my pre-adolescent psyche and remain a part of me forever. It’s no small achievement that I can remember every word of this theme tune some 25 years later without pausing for thought.

But let’s look at just why it’s so damn good. If you think you’re about to get an unbiased review get the fuck out of town. Me and these boys go waaaay back.

Sounds

The first thing to hit you here is that big guitar power chord instantly putting my life on the road to a love of rock music. Then straight into the eponymous chorus.

All my life whenever I have listened to or hummed this tune in my head I have only ever really been aware of the high part of the harmony. But listen to that bass vocal line! It is not messing around. I like that the singer sounds really earnest like it’s being sung by Adam West.

The power chords continue to charge through the chorus while a synth trumpet joins the line up to add a heroic countermelody.

When it hits the “heroes in a half shell” line it is really emphasised with a weird phasey effect on the vocals which I had never noticed as a kid but just adds to the magic of that chorus.

Into the verse and the rock keeps coming with a minor descending power chord sequence. The synth trumpet is given a little less to do so as not to interfere with the clarity of the lyrics.

Speaking of which – props to the lyricist for managing to explain the characters, their background, their individual personalities, and who the enemy is while also being inclusive enough to specify that they are green for all those turtle loving colour blind kids out there. Cartoon theme song writers and old people take note; this is how you get to the fucking point. One minute and I know everything I need to. It’s like an information punch to the face.

Man, and you will never forget the name of this cartoon. I can imagine the conversations in pre-production –

“The title is too long, kids will never remember it”

“Well how about if we pummel it into their sponge brains by repeating it over and over again. How about 12 times in a minute-long theme song?”

From your first viewing you damn well knew the full title of this show, never to be forgotten.

Back to the music; keep an ear out for the pre-second verse “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” refrain. The second time it’s repeated we are blessed with another big fat power chord overdubbed, then raising in pitch as the second verse kicks off.

The second verse is most notable for all the quips from the gang themselves, the best of which we all know is Michelangelo’s “Partyyyyyyyy”. I really want to play this song at a club. I guarantee everyone in the room will be screaming that with fists or pointed fingers held high.

I don’t know, maybe not a club. The ratio of people too young to know this theme tune would be too high… Maybe at a wedding. Any bride would love this for their first dance.

Finally another chorus of “remember the title, remember the title” and ending with a catchphrase come war-cry for every kid of my generation “Turtle Power!” (later to become the title of the best movie tie-in rap song ever produced – sorry Will Smith, you ain’t got nothing on Partners In Kryme.)

Sights

There’s almost too much good to say about the song itself, but when we add the visuals all other theme tunes might as well pack up their bags and head home.

One of the master strokes here is in keeping the turtles for the most part seriously badass. Take the first shot of a grown up Michelangelo for example.

Bad. Ass.

The whole team?

These four are so badass they will actually fuck your mother. Again

And again

These dudes never smile. They are too busy kicking ninja ass. They leave that to the women:

(Excuse me did you notice how badass we are in your side mirror? We are literally flying).

There are a few nice transitions in this too including the screen getting sliced up twice! Once by Shredder and then again by Leonardo.

I’m sure there’s some rule now about characters attacking the fourth wall on kids’ shows but not then and thank god for that.

But the great visuals don’t stop there. Michelangelo displays his killer nunchuck skills by deflecting a ninja star, a knife, a baseball, and a hand grenade all in the space of about 2 seconds.

2 things to note here – first of all, if someone throws a hand grenade at you, in an enclosed sewer no less, next to possibly a gas main, then maybe don’t hit it very hard with a spinning piece of wood. Not unless you want very bad things to happen.

The other thing is – what kind of villain has in his armoury a ninja star, and knife, a hand grenade and a baseball? A baseball!!? That’s getting desperate. I’m surprised they didn’t resort to their loose change or a shoe. If you were serious about ending Michelangelo why would you use the baseball before your hand grenade? Anyway, I digress.

Next we move on to the American Werewolf in London style horror show that is Splinter’s transformation. This man is not happy to be transformed. He is in pain, his hands are on fire, and what’s worse it’s not like he went from being a non-sentient turtle to being a super mutant conscious hybrid. In the cartoon at least he went from being an awesome ninja human to being a gross sewer living man-rat. Yes he can bust up a bunch of wooden crates, but surely he could have done that pre transformation. He’s so disgusted with his own appearance that he would rather live almost alone in a world where rain water and shit collect, than seek medical attention. It’s safe to say splinters story is a tragedy.

Lucky then that we can soon forget about that with the one by one introduction of the Turtles. Firstly Leo points a sword and I notice for the first time that he does not carry katana but rather a pair of pirate’s cutlasses. I guess you take what you can get when you live in a sewer. After this we see Donatello and a huge machine which on close inspection is intentionally a machine for making a hot beverage. I have to question Donatello’s reputation for being a whizz with machines when his attempt at a coffee machine is that huge and complex. Even then it’s a failure at its intended purpose as it blasts off destroying their sewer home. Next Raphael eats the worst peperoni and mushroom pizza ever. After taking one slice and noticing the grand total of 5 tiny mushroom pieces as well as two slices of carrot and a pube he is so appalled that he throws the rest at the wall and then looks damn proud of himself for sticking to his principles and not lowering himself to eating more than one bite of sub-standard pizza.

Following this we get Michelangelo shuffling and b-boying his way through his own drug fuelled nightmare fantasy world.

In case you were thinking this is starting to stray from the badass manifesto promised in the opening frames, we come right back down to earth with introduction of the Technodrome. Closely followed by the turtles giving a total of zero fucks as they just jump at it like it’s nothing.

Finally we are reminded again, 12 mentions and a previous title card down the line that we are in fact watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the ride is now over.

Ok, So I think we’re all in agreement this is all pretty good stuff, in terms of introductions to the show, the characters, having a tune that is catchy and memorable and making the turtles both badass and loveable.

The bar has been set and it is high. Can any other shows compete with such an intro?

Let the games begin!