Although going out on a team building weekend is fun with the DVDASA crew, it is also a plethora of emotional warfare as members try to weave their way around each other in this 16 acre, 8 room ranch house 3 hours away from civilization. This is like “The Real World” meets “Cabin in the Woods” as I try to make sense of their reality and mine

Asa, Steve and I arrive together in the early afternoon as we unpack in this large desert home. We’re the last to arrive. Money Mark has his equipment out dropping beats and laying out tracks. I pass by a table where there’s a stack of Seijun Suzuki dvd’s. He’s a Japanese director known for his surreal and nilistic take on the world with titles like Branded to Kill, Youth of the Beast and A tale of Sorrow and Sadness. Ok.

Critter, I don’t know if he notices but guy is like 6'4 built like an ex athlete while the rest of us are like hobbits and elves marching behind him as he takes us hiking. He takes long powerful strides as he moves easily up and down the rocky trail. Money Mark notes that we’re traveling a lot down hill which of course means we will eventually have to travel back up hill to return back to our car. But Critter doesn’t care because as he takes an effortless lead while Val and I are huffing and puffing up the rear. We’re tired and worn. Val comforts me and says his home in Mexico growing up was similar to this landscape. I don’t know why that makes me feel better. If we get lost and abandoned, I will rest my weary body in his caressing arm as he twists my head and cracks my neck to put me out of my misery. Oh sweet Val.

We get back to the cabin and I see Scrotum Coat just sitting down on the hard cabin floor staring at…nothing. Uh, dude, are you ok? You don’t look ok. His eyes are vacant. It didn’t help that he threw up earlier in the day. The dry air and high altitude is effecting us. I have dried up blood stain snouts in my nose, I don’t know what ma lady Bob is suffering from. But he says he’s ok as he continues staring into the netherworld.

Bobby Lee and his girl friend Khalyla show up which changes the energy in the room. Bobby is a little sensitive and I intentionally have never marked “like” on khalamityk’s instagram. Last thing I need is having some weird feud with an Asian comedian past his prime. Fortunately Bobby gravitates toward fame and makes David touch his dick through his flimsy maroon underwear. We do a show, has dinner and then they leave. Why would they go after driving for such an extended time? Its a good time for murder.

Its getting late and Steve rushes back to the living room, face pale and asks who of us knocked on his door while he took a shower. Its not Bobby, he and Khalyla are long gone and no one takes responsibility. He starts pointing fingers and is genuinely scared and worried that if its not one of us, its a ghost. Wait. Rewind. Did you just say “ghost”? Steve, I love you but is a “ghost” really the first thing you’re worried about. We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere so I’m more concerned about a drifter or a cult member under initiation. How about one of those guys Steve, guys that could literally kill us. Not some god damn ghosts.

The following morning, the crew slowly congregate into the kitchen one by one, David and Asa last to get up. Sometimes its not just a show…