Memo from: Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

To: My fellow Canadians

Re: Immigration

It has come to my attention that despite my best efforts to divert you from my disastrous economic record by playing the “Islamophobia” card, too many of you still aren’t getting the message.

Why, just the other day I read the results of a Forum Research poll that said 44% of you believe that we should not allow asylum seekers who enter Canada illegally to seek asylum in Canada.

That compares to only 36% of you who believe we should allow asylum seekers who enter Canada illegally to seek asylum in Canada, and 20% of you who are undecided.

To be blunt about it, what the hell is wrong with 44% of you?

Were your grandfathers all Nazis or something?

How can I possibly continue to make Canadian businesses uncompetitive by imposing a national carbon price on them when our largest trading partner, the United States, doesn’t have one, if 44% of you don’t understand how vital it is to the future of Canada that we allow asylum seekers who are entering the country illegally to seek asylum in Canada?

Here I and my Liberal government have been working hard on your behalf tripling the deficit I told you I would bring in before the 2015 election, while calling out the Conservatives for not unanimously supporting an anti-Islamophobia motion they unanimously supported four months ago, and this is the thanks I get?

I must say that speaking as a feminist, who, as my Sophie says, is one of “the boys and men in our lives who encourage us to be who we truly are, who treat girls and women with respect, and who aren’t afraid to speak up in front of others”, I am deeply disappointed in you.

And while we’re at it, what the hell was with that Forum poll last September that showed two-thirds of you support Conservative leadership contender Kellie Leitch’s call for screening prospective immigrants for anti-Canadian values?

I have to tell you, it’s things like this that make me wonder whether all my efforts on your behalf meeting with Chinese billionaires at Liberal fundraising events to champion the middle-class, and vacationing at the Aga Khan’s private island in the Bahamas over the Christmas-New Year’s break, are worth it.

How dare two-thirds of you agree with Kellie Leitch!

Haven’t you people read the columns of practically ever newspaper pundit in Canada about how racist that is, like about 15,000 times, especially during slow news weeks?

If I didn’t know any better, I would say you people don’t trust the media anymore.

How many times do I have to tell you that a Canadian is a terrorist is a Canadian before it sinks in?

Are you not aware of the great Conservative thinker William F. Buckley’s observation that liberals, “claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views”, which I and my party wholeheartedly agree with, by the way?

Indeed, I’m thinking of making it our campaign slogan for the 2019 federal election.

So, to sum up, I just want you to know, my fellow Canadians, how deeply disappointed I am in you.

Next thing you know, you’ll be burning crosses on the lawns in Prince George.