GLENDALE, PA—Expressing embarrassment and disappointment over being the son of such a loser, local 4-year-old Connor Heyward was convinced Friday that his father, Craig, was a moron after losing 45 consecutive games of hide-and-seek. “Christ, this is bad. I’ve hid behind that bush a dozen times and this dumbass still can’t find me,” said Connor, confessing that after finding his father crouched behind a chair half his size, he had started to worry he might grow up to be a “complete imbecile” just like his dad. “At first, I thought I might be really good at this game, but after about an hour hiding underneath a hamper with visible holes, I realized he’s completely out to lunch. It’d be one thing if he was only bad at seeking, but so far, his best hiding spot was behind the back door. Who hides behind a door? There’s no strategy to it whatsoever. One time, I went out to find him and he was just standing behind a kitchen stool—he wasn’t even crouched behind it or anything.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Connor emerged from his hiding spot to help his father search for his 2-year-old brother.

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