Does anyone even like having sex on the beach? There’s something about seaweed, sunburn, and sand that doesn’t appeal to me. Sure, sex on the beach is a catchy name for a fruity drink, but that’s about it.

Not to mention sex on the beach is an excellent way to find yourself arrested for indecent exposure, public sex, or lewd acts, depending upon your local laws.

Then there’s actual underwater sex. I see you out there, beach-loving lovebirds, standing chest-to-chest, chest-deep in water, oblivious to the idea that your public displays of affection are making us all uncomfortable.

I don’t envy you no matter how happy you pretend to be. Cold seawater does not an adequate lubricant make, and any natural lubrication produced by your vagina will be washed away by the ocean waves.

The ocean is a liquid garbage dump. Even if you manage to dodge the microplastics and used syringes, you could still earn a raging infection from bacteria in the water.

These days I’m keeping my pussy wet and my surroundings dry — and the only sex on the beach I’m having will be in a glass.