The most important lesson from the outrage over whether Jeremy Corbyn called Theresa May a “stupid woman”, is that Conservative MPs are the only people we can trust to promote radical feminist change.

For example, last week two suspended Tory MPs were readmitted into the party, so they could support Theresa May in the confidence vote. There was Andrew Griffiths, who sent “hundreds of sexually explicit texts” to women in his constituency, but none of them said they were stupid, which is the main thing.

I expect the women read each text, thinking: “Ah, he wants to grab that, poke this, squeeze them, undress that, insert that, tweak this and vigorously rattle that, but at no point does he suggest I’m stupid, because he’s a man of honour and a gentleman.”

The other was Charlie Elphicke, who was interviewed under caution by police over alleged sex offences which he denies. We can’t know whether he was guilty or not, but the Conservative Party used the strictest possible method of rigorous investigation, by reinstating him on the week of a critical vote so he could vote for the leader.

This is how to truly respect the rights of women, and should be adopted by the courts. We all know the legal process is flawed, so perhaps any man charged with a sex offence should be asked if they fancy supporting the prime minister, and if they say “yes”, why not just say that they’re not guilty?

This is why the Conservative Party is packed with passionate advocates of women’s rights such as Boris “Suffragette” Johnson. He’s been tireless in campaigning for equality, with statements such as: “Women only go to university to find men to marry.” It’s believed this will become the motto for the United Nations Committee for International Sisterhood.

Or there’s Sir Christopher Chope, the MP who blocked a new law making it illegal to take photos up a woman’s skirt. We can only hope an anthology of feminist poetry is written in his courageous name.

It’s true that in July, chancellor Philip Hammond was seen mouthing the words “stupid woman” at a female MP, but that’s an entirely different phrase from “stupid woman”, which it’s claimed the Labour leader said. Because sometimes “stupid woman” means a woman you regard as stupid, and other times it refers to a woman whose views and outlook you respect with great reverence. It’s one of those quirks of English that make it such a colourful language.

One Conservative who has led the outrage is Andrea Leadsom, who only ever makes supportive sisterly remarks, such as claiming Theresa May couldn’t be as good a leader as her because she isn’t a mother. It’s that sort of camaraderie and solidarity that gives us hope, and that Jeremy Corbyn should try to copy.

The conservative newspapers are also appalled at the alleged comment. The Daily Mail insisted Corbyn’s “sexism” amounted to a “shameful day for Labour”. We can only imagine how disgusted its columnist Richard Littlejohn must have been, at a politician possibly, but possibly not, saying under his breath “stupid woman”.

So from now on, Corbyn should speak to Theresa May in the sort of gender-neutral progressive language Littlejohn uses, and say, “Prime minister, can you explain why the country is being run by rabid hairy ugly lesbian feminists?”, and give women some respect at last.

The Sun is equally sickened, because if there’s one publication that’s been consistent in opposing sexism over the years, it’s The Sun. Every week they advertise a competition, announcing: “In Super Soaraway Sun Bingo you can win a collection of Virago feminist novels SIGNED by Isabel Allende!!! And an advent calendar with a different feminist hero behind each window, from Mary Wollstonecraft to Emmeline Pankhurst. Happy Feministmas to our readers!!!”

Andrea Leadsom also told us the Labour leader’s muttered phrase, whatever it was, brought parliament into disrepute and robbed it of dignity. The Conservatives on the other hand, behaved with calm respect, shouting “behind you!” repeatedly, and making that fake MP laughing noise, then surrounding the speaker, demanding action like footballers around a referee demanding a penalty, which Andrea described as “parliamentary banter”.

The Labour Party must learn from this example, and shout “wanker wanker wanker”, while John McDonnell takes his top off, beckoning “come on then”, until Chris Grayling drops his pants to reveal he’s had “Corbyn is a turd” tattooed on each buttock. Then at last our parliament will be treating us with the decorum we deserve.

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So in conclusion, the military is being placed in position as food is being stockpiled, with no plan vaguely in place for how we’re meant to respond and it’s three months until we break links with the continent we’re tied to, but we’re on top of it because we’ve spent a day employing lip readers to assess whether Jeremy Corbyn said “stupid woman” or not.

Maybe it was the same in previous national crises. In 1940 when France fell to the Nazis, parliament spent all day arguing about whether Neville Chamberlain washed his hands after going to the toilet.

But it wouldn’t be fair to suggest this episode has had no effect, as it’s won me round to Brexit. Surely if we’re this much of a fruitcake country, we shouldn’t impose ourselves on anyone else. We deserve to be on our own, living in mud and hunting for grubs.