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WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Valentine’s Day this year, a gunman attacked Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.

Armed with a semi-automatic rifle, he was able to kill 17 and wound many more before ultimately being apprehended. Though this was far from America’s first school shooting, the activism of several of the student survivors of the massacre has forced a larger conversation among lawmakers about whether the gun lobby has such a tight grip on American legislators that they can’t even pass reforms supported by an overwhelming majority of American citizens.

Part of the conversation about how to secure America’s schools has included the proposal by some on the right to arm teachers. Today, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos threw some cold water on that idea, rather unexpectedly, given her political leanings and advocacy for guns on campuses in case of bear attack.

“I have been honestly trying to wrap my brain around arming the teachers,” DeVos told a House committee meeting this morning, “but I just don’t see how it makes sense in many cases. I mean, I don’t even think we have that many teachers with no arms, or just one arm. So how are we going to go about arming teachers that already have two?”

For several minutes, Republicans in the committee tried to explain to Ms. DeVos what they meant by arming teachers.

“Okay, but, are we like going to glue the extra arms on? I mean, I just don’t get how we attach another arm to someone who has two already,” DeVos said at one point. “That is assuming we want the arm or arms to be functional.”

Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) tried extremely hard to get DeVos to understand the proposal fully.



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“Secretary DeVos, while your millions and millions of dollars in donations to our party clearly have made you the most qualified, intelligent and adept education secretary this great nation has ever had, I think you’re forgetting we’re talking about guns,” Thompaulsen said. “We’re talking about giving teachers guns.”

DeVos scratched her head.

“But if they’ve only got two working hands, and both are filled with things they use to teach kids, how will they hold the gun? Oh, is that what the other arm is for,” DeVos asked. “Then I think we really have to explore how we attach those arms and making sure they’re functional. A dead hand holding a gun is no way to shoot a bad guy!”

Another thought seemed to come to Ms. DeVos just as the meeting was ending.

“And where are we going to get these arms? The arm store,” DeVos asked the members of the committee. “I don’t think we can just buy extra arms from morgues, can we?”

Reached for comment, National Rifle Association spokesterrorist Dana Loesch said that the NRA isn’t concerned with DeVos’ performance on the Hill today.

“Let’s be real, it’s not Betsy’s smarts she’s famous for,” Loesch said. “As long as she doesn’t stop us from putting a sizable weapons cache in every science, math, and English class, the NRA will continue to support Comrade DeVos. I mean. Wait. What? Что я только что сказал?”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire can also be read on Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, and Alternative Science.

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