Photo by Xan Griffin on Unsplash

It’s simultaneously odd and thrilling to feel comfortable in my own skin. To be able to look in the mirror and honestly admire my appearance, for literally the first time, is indescribable. Now, don’t get me wrong, even before my transition I had times when I thought I looked pretty good, but even in those moments I was never completely comfortable in my own skin.

Transition? Oh, did I forget to mention? I’m a transgender man. I’m currently 1.5 years into my transition. I’ve been taking testosterone since June 2018 and as of last month I had what’s known as FTM Top Surgery.

It feels incredible to look in the mirror and see the right face and body staring back at me. There really is no other way to say it other than my body finally feels right. Sure, I’m still overweight. However, now my pudge is sitting in my middle, instead of hanging out like unwanted saddlebags on my thighs. Yes, I’m still not conventionally attractive, but I can start to cover that up with facial hair instead of layers of makeup. I never got very good at wearing makeup, but I love how facial hair looks on me.

I know it’s difficult for some people to understand why or how transgender people even exist. Heck, some days it’s difficult even for us to understand why we exist. But we do exist. We are here and we are deeply uncomfortable in our own bodies. Some of us more than others.

I was lucky to have a milder form of dysphoria than my other transgender sisters and brothers. Being in the wrong body didn’t lead me to thoughts of ending my life, as it can for some deeply dysphoric people. I would just glance in the mirror, shrug and get on with my life. That’s not to say I didn’t despise every curve and misplaced lump, I just didn’t think I could do anything about it, so I tried not to dwell. That’s easier said than done for most transgender people, but it got me through life.

Now that I have begun to transition and my body is being transformed, I can’t help but stare in the mirror and honestly admire how I look. My flat, masculine chest is, to me, breathtaking. Being able to flex my pecs is absolutely joy inducing. I never thought I’d love my body, not as completely as I do now.

My transition is far from over. My face will continue to masculinize. My facial hair will probably continue to grow in thicker. My voice may even continue to deepen, although probably not by that much anymore. It will be another few years until the entire transformation will be complete, but already I can see what I will become.

Recently, I was thinking back to when I was still in college. I remember how wrong my body felt and thinking it must be because I was fat. I laugh at that now because I only weighed 135 lbs, which is a healthy weight on my 5’4” frame. So, I dieted myself down to 112 lbs. I was disappointed that even at that low weight, my body still felt wrong. I couldn’t put my finger onto why, but clearly weight wasn’t the issue.

It didn’t occur to me that my discomfort over the curve of my breasts and width of my hips, the very feminine shape of me, was what was wrong. What I wanted to achieve was a masculine, or at the very least, an androgynous look.

Removing my breasts, redistributing my fat, and otherwise masculinizing my shape is what I had needed all along. A part of me wishes I could have known and transitioned sooner, but twenty to thirty years ago transitioning would have been more difficult. Back then testosterone would have been harder to come by and surgical options were greatly limited.

I’m grateful I’ve gotten the opportunity to transition. I’m luckier than a lot of transgender men in many regards. By transitioning later in life, I have had a lot fewer worries. I have had a successful career and own my own home, so I don’t have to worry about getting kicked out by my family. In fact, most of my immediate family has all passed on, including my parents and all my grandparents.

I don’t know how most of them would have reacted, but I am certain my maternal grandmother would have accepted me. She herself was born intersex and understood what it’s like to be different. I’d like to think my late husband would have also accepted me as well. I hadn’t quite wrapped my mind around being transgender before he passed, but he and I had some deep conversations regarding gender and identity. He was very open minded regarding gender identity and sexuality.

Now, here I am, well into my journey towards uncovering and discovering my true self. I’m thrilled and elated to be here. I never thought I’d ever be this comfortable in my own skin, and now that I am, I can hardly believe it. I hope all transgender people eventually get to a place where they are equally content with themselves as I am.

Oh, and for those of you who are gender critical, before you feel tempted to leave a snarky comment on how I’ll never be a ‘real man’ and how I can’t ‘change my chromosomes,’ don’t bother. I’ve heard it all a hundred times before. Please be aware that your snark isn’t going to change my opinion, or magically make me stop my transition. I’ve already had my surgeries and many of the changes I wanted from testosterone are now irreversible, so whatever point you are tempted to make would now be moot.

On that note, I think I’ll go flex my pecs in the mirror again.