In Stunning Power Play, Man Acquires Woman’s Parents During Breakup Negotiations

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Civil engineer Daniel Barley obtained sole custody of ex-girlfriend Alicia Kressen’s parents yesterday during the dissolution of their relationship, completing a landmark case that could influence breakups for years to come.

“People may assume I’m some kind of monster for taking my ex-girlfriend’s parents after we broke up, but the truth is Mr. and Mrs. Kressen simply deserve better,” claimed Barley in a press conference on the steps of a downtown Alburquerque Denny’s. “And let’s focus on what Alicia did retain in the breakup: a bong I never used, a JUUL I never used, and the naming rights to her children, which I fought hard for but ultimately lost. She wants to name her first-born son RAZR — and not like, in some ironic way, either. She thinks it’s really cool.”

The elder Kressens were surprisingly excited.

“Did you know Daniel is an engineer with a degree from Carnegie Mellon University?” asked Doris Kressen, Daniel’s new, second mother, with a detectable hint of pride in her voice. “The only degree our daughter ever got was a third-degree burn from a botched piercing attempt. She never met her potential, and quite frankly, we’re sick of trying to steer her down the right path. Daniel deserves better; we all do. We look forward to having him come over on all major holidays and eventually take care of our end-of-life care.”

Barley’s lawyer further explained the ramifications of the groundbreaking case.

“The parties all agreed that Daniel Barley now has four parents, while Alicia Kressen has none. And Alicia is forbidden from speaking to the media, lest she lose custody of her three remaining grandparents… though as far as the law is concerned, they weren’t married, and there wasn’t actually a trial or judge,” explained Barley’s lawyer William Donahue. “So this exercise was functionally pointless and isn’t legally binding. But, they both agreed to abide by the terms, and I get paid either way.”

While Alicia’s legal team has no plans to appeal the decision, anonymous sources confirmed she will continue to protest by banging Barley’s younger brother, Scotty.