(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

ISLAMABAD – The tensions between Islamabad and New Delhi might be running high, but they are nothing compared to the tension between Indian naval commander and intelligence operative Kulbhushan Jadhav and India’s High Commission official Gaurav Ahluwalia during the unceremonious meeting between the two on Monday.

The meeting arranged by Pakistan to provide consular access to Jadhav in line with Vienna Convention and the July 17 verdict of the International Court of Justice, went sour the moment Ahluwalia entered the room where Jadhav was impatiently waiting for him.

“The consular access was provided at 1200 hours, and at 1201 hours Jadhav started screaming at the Indian consul shouting ‘where is my Vir Chakra,’ followed by expletives in a wide range of languages and dialects,” says an official statement issued by the Office of the Spokesperson for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs after the meeting held at an undisclosed location.

“On the Indian request, there was no restriction on the language of communication,” added the statement.

In order to ensure transparency, and in accordance with standard operating procedures, the meeting was recorded, with a copy of the recording available exclusively with The Dependent.

“I am not asking for a Maha Vir Chakra or a Padam Vir Chakra – any Vik Chakra would do. Get lost and don’t show me your face without my Vir Chakra!” Jadhav is seen and heard saying in the parts of the video that can be produced here.

“It’s been over three and a half years – why don’t I have my own cult yet? Just because I don’t have a stupid mustache? Why isn’t the bald look trending in India?” he asked aggressively jumping towards Ahluwalia, before Pakistani officials brought Jadhav under control and safely escorted the Indian High Commission official from the meeting room.