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A Day of Interrupting, television addiction, Big Breakfast is killing you, Sean’s voice is killing you, Asterios vs. WarOfTheFanBoys, the billboard, The Dick Show sends an autism to Cannes, being on Gavin McInnes, pointless research on gender binaries, cringe-ophobia, airlines and my biggest fantasy, the adventures of Cadyver, Phteven’s various side businesses, Dustin’s first bit, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the time Tucker Max hit on my girlfriend, whatever happened to Lettuce Jones, Layc is single, and Sean interrupts me while I’m working it; all that and more this week on The Dick Show.

It’s the fight of the century! The Battle of Memes in the City of Dreams where Asterios Kokkinos will face WarOfTheFanBoys in a many-holds-barred, I hope longer than one round, boxing spectacular that is sure to blow your mind and settle all political debates and un-hack the election and cure all disease and change the fucking world before your eyes. Taking place at an unspecified future time in an unspecified location, this is the first and last true boxing match of our lives. Here is the progression of events that lead up to NYC: Might Makes Right:

Asterios: I finally heard the end of last week’s The Dick Show. Let me explain to you why /u/warofthefanboys is a gigantic pussy.

@asterios @dickmasterson Am willing to settle my beef w/ Asterios in a fistfight. He's got 80lbs on me, but estrogen has weakened his bones — New Possibilities (@TrumpSciFi) May 3, 2017

Everyone: this is the mod of /r/the_donald challenging me to a fight. This is me accepting, on behalf of the majority of the country. FIGHT! https://t.co/kNQPgZXjaN — Asterios Pokedex (@asterios) May 4, 2017

An unparalleled flame-fest of gas-lighting and ass-lighting, recriminating and insinuating, and “Who is pussying out of what?” has been raging since the acceptance. I go over what I know to be true in the episode, but I don’t know the whole truth. Thankfully, Asterios will be in studio next week to address the fight and maybe we’ll have a call in, but first…

Interrupting. If you’re not getting interrupted while you’re talking, no one is listening to your ass–and I can prove it mathematically! People can talk at 150 words a minute, but we can understand words at 400 words a minute. It’s like driving 25 MPH in a school zone, no one does it because looking like a jerk is temporary, but being bored lasts for-e-ver. I could barely type that sentence without wanting to interr–If I’m talking and no one has interrupted me in a while, I just stop talking because I know I’m talking to myself and I can do that while I’m listening to talk radio. I dream of one day achieving a perfect conversation, wherein both of us are interrupting one another and even ourselves continuously, speaking in an increasing monotone of until our booming, fevered rants achieve a perfect natural resonance, our thoughts physically manifesting into beings of fury and light that look like Sam Kinison, Starscream, DoodleBob, and Janice Joplin–the four horsemen of the rage-pocalypse. The end is nigh.

Susan Wojcicki, the CEO of YouTube, disagrees and says “interrupting is a sexist micro-aggression”. I guess that doesn’t apply to the five billion exactly-the-same ads YouTube runs everyday that interrupt every person on the fucking planet. If there’s one person that should be interrupted as much as possible, thar she blows! This woman controls new media, was responsible for introducing “ad targeting” to the web, and was named the most important woman in brainwashing–I mean advertising in 2015. And lucky for fate of the world, she gets her perspective on women and technology from Tumblr. If you make money on YouTube and you’ve ever done anything that might one day be retroactively considered a thoughtcrime, you might want to diversify. Try Patreon. It worked for me!

Speaking of death by a thousand cuts, breakfast is killing us. And I’m not talking about the kind of breakfast where you crawl out of bed at one in the afternoon, smoke half a pack of cigarettes, chug a blue “low calorie” Monster, because the purple “no calorie” ones feel like they have less of a kick, and then dick around on your cracked-to-fuck iPhone like every Instagram model in Hollywood. I’m talking about oats, cereal, sausage, toast; the breakfast for the rest of us. Apparently, it’s all part of a balanced scam, and it comes with a side of hashbrowns or death, and we’re all out of hashbrowns.

According to this article, which I actually read and didn’t skim, breakfast is the devil. I understand that this article and accompanying book were written by a professor of clinical biochemistry and not a mechanical engineer who dresses like an asshole on television, so maybe it’s not “science”, but I believe it because it makes sense to me. Upon reflection, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been hungry for breakfast, at least not in the same delirium of fury and panic that I’m hungry for when it’s lunchtime or dinnertime or entire bag of Smartfoods white popcorn at two in the morning because I’m not drunk enough to go to bed, but too drunk to drink more and pass out-time. I’m hungry for breakfast in the same way I’m hungry for liquor, in a way that’s just a socially accepted opportunity to serve the gluttonous, degenerate, insatiable crave-monster within and cram carbs into my body like they’re a soul. This got dark.

Fuck breakfast. It’s a stow-away meme planted into our brains as children and it’s been fattening us up like Christmas pigs. It’s the only daily function that has commercials. “Hey remember to jerk off today. Get a big ole load of porno in your face and really crank one out. This ad was brought to you by the Jack-Off Council of America.” Doesn’t exist.

Then Layc brings in some news! I hope Cadyver is as funny as we all thought it was.

Also, I was on Gavin McInnis’ show last week. I realize not all listeners of this show are “proud of their boy” (I think I’m using that correctly), but it was cool for me. Here’s the episode. It’s behind a paywall. Sorry!



Phteven’s etsy shop Dogwood Handcrafts.

Dustin Siniawa pitches his first bit to Reddit, Chick Feels Dick and then a quick one-two, Happy Endings

SGDove’s man-on-the-street round up mentioned in the episode.

F1ng3rs Music that you can fuck to on YouTube and Bandcamp.



An all-American heroic thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



See you next Tuesday for episode 50. We’ll be doing a bonus episode then as well.

Hey check out these new friggin posters.

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