January 2019, Trenton –

Governor Phil Murphy, fresh from his daily dental hygienist visit, today announced plans for building a wall around the Garden State. Projected at 480 miles including shoreline, Murphy’s announcement came as a surprise to members of both political parties.

Murphy, who has had a somewhat confused relationship with walls, praying at and possibly kissing Israel’s own Western one while adamantly opposing that proposed by President Donald “Go ahead ... Stay out of work … Like I ever ate White House food anyway” Trump, asked both political delegations and the people of New Jersey to embrace the state project, nicknamed “Damnusall” and sought to distinguish the Jersey version from the one generating so much national debate.

“This isn’t about keeping people out,” Murphy said. “It’s about keeping New Jerseyans in.” Citing a study by the New Jersey Business and Industry Association, Murphy stated “This mass exodus of people and their moolah has cost New Jersey over $20 billion the past ten years.”

Murphy acknowledged the lemming-like droves are motivated by it being “A mite expensive to live here,” but noted “it is far more expensive to those remaining to let them go.”

Surrounded at the press conference by representatives of Construction and General Laborers’ Local 172, Murphy pointed out the ancillary benefits of the project. “We expect this project alone to generate some $15 billion in purely in-state spending, jobwise and can’t-spend-it-outside New Jersey-wise. A huge boost to our economy and a giant ‘Up Yours’ to Amazon’s decision to run screaming from the prospect of a Newark or Camden home office location. Plus, no more beach erosion."

Asked under what conditions New Jerseyans may leave, Murphy said “We will allow individuals temporary “promise to come back” visas for short durations to visit friends and dying relatives. Proof of dying within three months of the visit will be required. Outbound trucks will be border-checked, ensuring no documented Jerseyans are hiding inside. And we are considering a new state motto and song:

"Born to Die (here)."

Damnusall funding is expected to come from multiple sources, including jacked up inheritance and gas taxes. “You can’t will yourself out, anymore than will out your money. And as people can’t drive out of the state, the real impact on family finances should be negligible,” Murphy stated. “Driving far less than before, the gas tax can easily be raised 100%. Finally, far less need be spent on bridges and tunnels; at least, the Jersey sides.”

Murphy unveiled an artist conception of the wall, both immediately after construction and twenty days later with the expected profanity-laced graffiti art. “Colorful, and beautifully diverse, ain’t it?” he beamed, a small piece of green pepper, “Jersey pepper of course” showing between his left upper incisor and canine.



















































