Editorial by Ravi Singh, Posted in 2004

Metal Gear is one of those game series that has quite a bit of good to say about itself. The only video games I really play are Metal Gear games (and a few Zelda games… shh…). Yup, Metal Gear is quite the game series.

But even then, there has been many times when you stared at the screen and could not believe the dumb shit you have just observed from a Metal Gear game. There is NO way anyone will disagree with me (even if you do, don’t send me your fan mail. I don’t care).

Now we could just take one game and butcher it to death with my shit-talking, but I decided to pull out some dumb moments in every Metal Gear game, take out the ten most dumbest ones, and put them all here. I’m not saying any of these games suck or anything. I’m just saying that these certain moments were fucking dumb.

Oh, and because I already stripped what little honor Snake’s Revenge had left with my article “Snake’s Revenge Sucks,” and the fact that it’s not an official Metal Gear game, I won’t be including the numerous dumb moments from that game.

Enough introduction nonsense. Enjoy.

#10 – “Sex and the Big Shell.”

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

I think Otacon is what Hideo Kojima thinks of people who call themselves Otakus. You know. The people who think anything that’s from Japan = TRUTH! Or use Japanese terms in English. I’m not taking about people who watch few series of anime, or even own some DVD Collections. I mean the people who look at anything that’s not from Japan as pathetic and watch anime because, obviously, The Venture Bros. and Family Guy are for stupid Americans (aka “bakas”). The ones who want a Kanji symbol tattooed on their arm, but they’re afraid it’ll hurt so they just get stupid shirts. Those people.

Hal wasn’t so bad. Got annoying when he went “Dude, it’s like one of my Japanese animes!” But whatever. I guess his codename is pretty lame. It’s like someone calling themselves “E3″ or “Ozzfest.” “Hey, my name is Peter, but please, call me Coachella. OMG LOL!” But nonetheless, I’m sure he’s a great guy.

Kojima probably noticed people didn’t dislike Otacon. How CAN you dislike the developer of Stealth Camouflage? Kojima probably hates Otakus, and he wanted people to look at Otacon with disgust. So he decided to add a little something to Hal’s history, regarding his step-family. When Hal’s crying over Emma’s death, you got to feel sorry for the guy, no matter how annoying Emma is. He just met his step-sister who hates him, got her to sort of think he’s cool, and then she gets shanked by a bisexual guy who runs on water.

“…it was awesome. I dunno why I’m telling you all this I mean you dead, bitch! You dead!” “…it was awesome. I dunno why I’m telling you all this I mean you dead, bitch! You dead!”

But then he tells us a story. It wasn’t random – it all fit in. It was just like how it was revealed that Princess Leah was Luke Skywalker’s sister after they both shared some rather close scenes. No, I don’t mean that Emma and Hal probably shared their own close scenes. I mean how his father drowned himself because he knew that Hal was doing his wife – Hal’s step-mom, Emma’s mom.

Now when I heard this, I couldn’t help being like: “I’m sorry she’s dead. Yeah. Bummer. …wait, you did what?!”

It’s simple: Kojima is saying that – if given the chance – anyone who calls themselves an Otaku would go for his step-mom. Most likely in a locker.

Let’s not forget the suspicious way Emma talks about Otacon in her sleep. The parrot is proof of that, as it often talks what she says in her sleep. Or the parrot just sleeps with Emma. What the fuck is with everyone’s sexuality?!

Then there’s Vamp. Do they call him Vamp because he sucks blood? No, it’s because he like girls and dudes.

No, him being bisexual isn’t the odd part. He had an affair with Colonel Scott Dolph and stuffed him. The guy died. He had a daughter. Vamp said “Hey, lucky me, I get another booty ass to call mine!”

And so he did – and that’s what I’m talking about! I wonder if they have pillow talks. Like discussions and shit. Like afterwards, he compares her to what her father would do… “Queen, your father… he was able to take the full length… maybe if…” – gah! Enough!

Fortune was pretty beat too. Look at her face. Vamp has bad taste and likes to keep it all in the family. I’m sure he was planning on his future with Fortune’s daughter before she had a miscarriage. No – he probably already has had sexual intercourse with the fetus! That sick ass!

…I dunno how to end this one, so I’ll just say: Otacon > Vamp. Seeing how Otacon had a hard on for Sniper Wolf, we can assume he has a good taste in women and his step-mom was probably hot. It’s still fucking twisted as hell, but it’s deemed “norms” when compared to the sexual lifestyle of Vamp. Sorry Kojima.

REAL SOLDIERS NOT DO SPEAK OR MOVE AFTER THEY HAVE RESCUED… OVER. REAL SOLDIERS NOT DO SPEAK OR MOVE AFTER THEY HAVE RESCUED… OVER.

#09 – “…you do realize you’re free to go, right?”

Metal Gear

I dunno about you, but I found it dumb that the legendary Gray Fox just sort of sat there after Snake rescued him. I was expecting him to at least run off. I mean, he SHOULD have followed Snake and the both of them could have taken down Outer Heaven together in full glory, but instead, he sat there. Looking. Like he’s enjoying being alone in a fucking cell. At least get the fuck out!

Sorry. It’s just that rescuing Gray Fox was a big objective, and all he did was tell you about Metal Gear using bad English and then stayed where he was.

When I grow up, I want to be just like him.

Note: Yes, I know when you exit and re-enter, he’s gone, but that’s even more dumb. Does he have no pants on or something, so he had to run when Snake was not looking? Maybe he was so bored he just started, you know, manipulating himself and then… “oh, oh god, who’s that? Snake? What are you doing here? Umm nothing, I’m just gonna lie here for another minute…” Oh wait, I got it – they didn’t make his walking sprite animations for him and didn’t want to. God damn.

NO WAI OMG PLZ!!!!!111 NO WAI OMG PLZ!!!!!111

#08 – “O RLY?”

Metal Gear Solid

Not much to explain. People bitch how “dumb” Raiden is. How he asks some dumb questions. I understand their misery – put in the same scenario as Raiden, they probably would have understood everything – that’s why everyone understood the ending of Sons of Liberty so well… oh wait.

Only a few ever ask why Solid Snake is surprised to see a surveillance camera… IN A GOD DAMN NUCLEAR DISPOSAL FACILITY! After all, who cares if a terrorist once in a while slips in and carries a few nukes out. Hell, he’s helping the disposal job by disposing, it in a sick sort of way!

Solid Snake. The man who took down Outer Heaven and Zanzibar Land… a legend to some blond meterosexuals… is absolutely surprised that there are cameras in a nuclear disposal facility. I can imagine him at a local discount shoe store. Most of them have cameras. “What?! A camera?!”

Dumb ass. Figures they only sent him so they could make him spread FOX-DIE and kill everyone including himself.

#07 – “In the jungle, the mighty… have I been here before?”

Metal Gear (NES)

In the original Metal Gear, the buildings of Outer Heaven were not too far from each other, though there was a desert of sorts.

In the NES remake, Outer Heaven was a bunch of buildings separated by some jungle fields. You can get lost very easily. In fact, if you don’t take a certain route, you’ll find yourself walking to the same damn pathway again and again.

How were you supposed to get to the next building? Trial-and-error. By the 172,995th try, you’re bound to find the actual route out.

How the fuck were you supposed to figure this part out WITHOUT a walkthrough?! NOBODY explains it. Not even Big Boss gives us a smart ass remark about getting lost! At least make Jennifer or someone go “LEFT LEFT LEFT UP IS WAY TO PATH” or some crazy bullshit like that. The original MSX2 version of Metal Gear did have a desert in which you needed to equip the compass or you would be walking in circles. Why couldn’t they make a damn compass for this?!

Great idea for adding a jungle, folks. Great. Too bad you didn’t tell us how to GET THROUGH the damn shit! They might as well have not had the FLASHLIGHT be an obtainable item so we’d get just as lost in that underground tunnel part with the random pits. That would have been loads of fun. Fuckers.

Is the way her hands sort of go right through her ass supposed to be the kind of thing that makes us want to use our left hands for the controller instead…? Is the way her hands sort of go right through her ass supposed to be the kind of thing that makes us want to use our left hands for the controller instead…?

#06 – “The best replay value – ever.”

Metal Gear Solid: VR Missions

What was the point of getting closer to Naomi and Mei Ling? Who got aroused at them? Who owns Integral and got the Big Boss ranking JUST so that you can get up-close to Mei Ling?

What the fuck was the point of this mode?! Had they put something similar to what they did in Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance (take a picture of girls… doing a pose which is an actual MISSION) then it would have been worthwhile. But no. They gave us a camera and said “HEY! You can take pictures and save them onto your memory card and gawk at them once in a while! Isn’t that great?!”

Now if they had a mode where you could beat the shit out of Naomi and Mei Ling (actually, only Naomi) I wouldn’t mind the idea that other people enjoy Photograph Mode. Now if they had a mode where you could beat the shit out of Naomi and Mei Ling (actually, only Naomi) I wouldn’t mind the idea that other people enjoy Photograph Mode.

What’s even more ridiculous is that the Windows PC version saves the picture in damn good quality and with full anti-aliasing. Did they program it that way? Does this mean there ARE people out there who were like “Dude, come over and help me beat some missions so we can get closer to Naomi sitting on her computer!”?

It gets worse! At least the Windows PC version had them already unlocked – the requests to unlock these in the PlayStation versions are quite the job, especially if you want some close-time with Mei Ling. For VR Missions, you gotta get top ranking on every Time Attack mission for Sneaking Mode. Even more insane is Metal Gear Solid: Integral‘s request – to unlock Mei Ling; you are required to complete Metal Gear Solid on Extreme, and to get as close to Mei Ling as possible – beat it with a Big Boss ranking.

What is this world coming to.

On a good note: at least they DID make the polygonal figures of Mei Ling and Naomi pretty good looking for a PlayStation game. Though I must note that there was nothing else in the room either besides Snake, allowing the figures to use as must polygons as possible. This feature would have been more laughable if they looked like they belonged in the actual game. Like putting Meryl with her panties on. Haha. If that happened, I would have bumped this probably up to #4. Maybe…

#05 – “…I’ll let the kid handle this!”

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

Raiden and Solid Snake helped each other out with PSG-1s at The Big Shell. They both shot out Cyphers and Claymore Mines to help Emma Emmerich cross the bridge safely. You felt confident that with Snake’s help, you won’t have a problem and “continue.”

Then, the guy with Jesus’ shoes and Rasputin’s body, Vamp, pops out of nowhere and holds Emma hostage. Okay now Snake. Let’s take this sick bastard down. Snake? SNAKE?!

This is our hero, Solid Snake, aiming at absolute nothingness with his PSG-1 while Emma is pleading for help while being slowly cut by Vamp. This is our hero, Solid Snake, aiming at absolute nothingness with his PSG-1 while Emma is pleading for help while being slowly cut by Vamp.

Where the fuck WAS Snake? Smoking? Masturbating AGAIN (hey, he did do that at the Tanker so it was quite possible)?! I mean, considering where Snake was, he’d have an even BETER shot at Vamp’s goatee than Raiden!

Wow. Snake gets EVEN MORE dumbass points. He should seriously stay in Alaska drinking booze and sharing some with his huskies while watching re-runs of Three’s Company.

On the other hand, Emma WAS a bitch. “I CANT SWIM I’D RATHER… WAIT HERE AND DROWN… WHICH IS WHY IM AFRAID OF SWIMMING… I HEART HAL BUT HATE HIM! TEEN ANGST! DO YOU LIKE THE CHOP STICKS IN MY HAIR? GAH!” So Snake might have opened a can of Coors Light and went “Sorry Otacon, but your sister’s gotta go. I’m not a babysitter.”

If you call Snake via Codec, you have the following conversation:

Snake – “…“

That’s it. No advice, no cardboard box fetish information, not even an excuse like “Ah shit I can’t even see Vamp, er, oh it’s Vamp that’s holding her? I never knew!” but just three fucking dots. You should get it by now – he doesn’t give a shit. But you do give a shit (or you realize the only way to get past this part of the game is to pretend you do) so you shoot away at Vamp. Vamp flies off, and his knife cuts Emma’s torso while he flies to his watery not-death.

And then Snake ran down, grabbed her and played a hero. We know the truth, Solid Snake! We’re onto you! We know you wanted her dead!

#04 – “Ever seen that ‘Sniper Wolf’ anywhere? I heard… ooh a shiny red light!

Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes

I have to say I’m not a fan of The Twin Snakes. At all. The people who love it will point an angry finger at me and go “FORGET THE CUTSCENES THEY WERE LAME BUT LIKE BETTER GRAPHICS AND GAMEPLAY! YOU CAN SEE SNAKES EYES!”

It happens to be that I SKIP the cutscenes that I don’t like. Yet I still find the game… a bore. Not Metal Gear quality. I don’t give a fuck about graphics. It’s about gameplay. And while this game has gameplay from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (a game I still enjoy) it seems that they didn’t change much to make sure that the new gameplay works well. It’s like if you can play Sons of Liberty with the Snake Eater engine… and they didn’t change the levels much besides making them look nice, requiring Raiden to eat pigeons and lice for stamina. It was an unnecessary way of Nintendo to get more people to buy GameCube consoles and Konami to get cash from an exclusivity contract.

But enough about that, this isn’t a review for the game. Let’s get to one dumb moment everyone’s gotta agree on. There was one cutscene that was ridiculous. Too ridiculous even for a Kitamura movie – and that was the cutscene where Solid Snake and Meryl are heading towards the Communications Tower and Sniper Wolf (that sexy devil) kills her. Okay, she doesn’t kill her, but whatever, you know what cutscene I’m talking about.

No, those aren’t laser beams coming out of Snake’s eyes. I was just trying to point out that in time of danger, Snake prefers to look at Meryl’s love-cushion. No, those aren’t laser beams coming out of Snake’s eyes. I was just trying to point out that in time of danger, Snake prefers to look at Meryl’s love-cushion.

Let’s see, first off, can someone explain why Snake’s goofy face is staring at Meryl’s polygonal ass? The guy was just finished kicking some homoerotic bald mind reader wearing a gas mask’s ass. I think he’d be more cautious instead of staring at her ass. But ok, let’s give him a break, guys. I’m sure we all would stare at a woman’s ass in the middle of doing something dangerous, like having a girl on top of you as she looks away… wait.

…anyways, that would have passed by my “What the fuck?!” sensors if it wasn’t for this: Snake alerts Meryl to turn around. Meryl fucking sees the laser sight from the sniper crawling all over her body – molesting her. What does she do? Like a little girl, she sort of makes a face that screams “What is this aliens light, mommy?!” So she sort of sees if it will show up on her hand – brilliant you dumb bitch. By this time, cushion lover Snake notices and gives a “…I dunno, why did you stop walking? Start walking again… sloowly… Mmmm…” look at her. Then…

BANG! Well, there goes the mood…

To make this more fucked up, Meryl finds the gunshots erotic and she moans and orgasms, telling Snake to go away so she and Wolf can be alone.

Even the fact that Snake sort of goes “Meryl!” at the beginning to make her turn around is dumb. If he didn’t do it so he can look at her ass while she walks, what reason did he do it? So she can turn around and realize that a sniper if aiming at her and probably will shoot? Snake seemed to like to use force on helpless anime geek Otacon for no real reason except to make himself look tougher. Why didn’t he use this to shove Meryl into safety? She might’ve went “What the fuck?!” but when Snake takes the shot she was supposed to get, and he runs back to her in safety, then she’ll be like “Oh Snake… I’m so sorry I’m a fucking retarded cunt!”

Or they could have simply just made it like it was in the original. But fuck that shitty old 1998 PlayStation game. This is 2004! Next-gen, man!

God damn this scene is fucking stupid. There is no way ANYONE can defend this scene. You can think all the redesigned cutscenes were badass, but you gotta admit this cutscene was fucking stupid.

#03 – “…can you hear me now? Good!”

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

Many reviews blast Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty for having too many cutscenes. They most likely don’t understand the story.

See, in my opinion, the cutscenes are fine. At least you can watch something. It was the Codec parts that were boring. Did this game have a lot of Codec scenes? I’m not too sure. But it did have some Codec scenes where they could have just put a fucking cutscene because the characters were INCHES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

Emma’s on to our demonic plan, fellow KCEJ staff. What to do now?! Emma’s on to our demonic plan, fellow KCEJ staff. What to do now?!

Even Raiden started bitching. I mean, there are some parts where it’s reasonable. Such as the part where Raiden is disguised as a soldier. But remember Emma Emmerich? She had mostly Codec conversations with Raiden – even when they’re right next to each other holding hands!!! What, is it not polite to ask a girl if she’s afraid of heights?!

Or when Olga and Raiden had this big conversation about Olga’s son and The Patriots and shit? You could say she was keeping their conversation on the down low… except afterwards, they talk. Loudly. Raiden tells her she might get caught. Wow. You just wasted HOW long having a fucking Codec conversation with someone a couple of inches away from you when you could have just spoken. I mean, it would look even more suspicious to someone looking at them through the camera sees them just standing there, not saying much.

But then, if you were naked, strapped onto some kinky fiend device… I guess talking directly to some Russian lady with white hair who was dressed up as a male ninja previously might be a tad difficult for some people.

…oh, I see how it is. Reds only. Fucking racists. …oh, I see how it is. Reds only. Fucking racists.

#02 – “HOLY SHIT! I’M NOW COLORBLIND?”

Metal Gear: Ghost Babel

Even though this game doesn’t take place in the Metal Gear timeline, it’s pretty fun. One of the best GameBoy Color games out there.

But there was one part that was bullshit: the cardboard box puzzle. The one you spent your AA batteries life on before you got to Marionette Owl, in which you had to buy new batteries (lucky me, I got a GBA:SP. That rhymed!).

After fifteen minutes spent allowing the cardboard box sorter to be prejudice, you end up places you have already been to before. Oh well, time to do it AGAIN!. After fifteen minutes spent allowing the cardboard box sorter to be prejudice, you end up places you have already been to before. Oh well, time to do it AGAIN!.

Seriously. This game is about some guy cloned from the most dangerous man with an eye patch going back to the place he destroyed years ago. Not a simulation of a lost tourist in the United States from Croatia who can only speak Punjabi with an Icelandic accent so he gets lost in the subway system. Nor is it a simulation of how to organize boxes by color.

It’s innovative, yes, but too annoying. When innovation gets annoying, it must die. Which is why in the 18th century, people crucified and tortured people with innovative ideas. Sure, they had boring dull lives and their little “feudal” system, but hey – nobody was annoyed by cell-phone cameras, or scientific studies of how everything gives you cancer. Ok, bad example with the 18th century, but you know what I mean. How about the fall of the Virtual Boy?

To top it all off, you do all this madness… to meet Marionette Owl. The bastard uses puppets to kick your ass while he throws a stun grenade once in a while. What the fuck? We went through all that bullshit to fight with some pillow biter and puppets?! FUCK YOU!

#01 – “Destroy… Final Weapon… BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!”

Metal Gear (NES)

Okay. Admit it. Metal Gear TX-55, though inactive, was pretty damn hard. Not only did you have to place a bunch of plastic explosives in order, but some laser cameras go BEIONG and shoot your Big Boss clone ass. Wasn’t the battle you were expecting, but at least they tried to make it hard.

With the NES remake, a genius thought, “Gee, we could make the second-to-last boss be pretty exciting. Not some crazy puzzle of putting plastic explosives in order after talking to an old guy who built it.”

No need to get mad, you silly guards! CTRL+ALT+DEL might help! No need to get mad, you silly guards! CTRL+ALT+DEL might help!

And so, we got to battle – THE SUPER COMPUTER! With the SUPER BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! This boss was pretty accurate – the game took place in 1995 – when Windows 95 was available and featured the BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! So here’s what you had to do top defeat this menace:

1) Kill four guards. One shot tends to kill each of them.

2) Place sixteen plastic explosives on the computer. Doesn’t matter where or how. Just so that it goes “Kablooey.”

3) …wait, what’s a “Metal Gear?”

…and so Solid Snake destroyed THE SUPER COMPUTER, a walking tank capable of deploying nuclear warheads anywhere in the world!

Enough sarcasm. This was pathetic. But for something interesting to think about – wasn’t Arsenal Gear, a Metal Gear, controlled by GW, a computer program?

But then, we never got to destroy that chunk of… metal. Try using sixteen plastic explosives!

In conclusion, I have nothing else to say. Except the fact that I probably overlooked thousands of even dumber moments in Metal Gear games (and I do not care about that either).

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