DAMASCUS—Saying its doors were open to anyone with hate in their heart, sources at non-denominational terrorist group Universal Soldiers of Vengeance told reporters Friday that the organization welcomes radicals of all faiths. “Unlike other terror groups that can be too narrow and dogmatic, we encourage our members to use whichever religious justification they most identify with when indiscriminately slaughtering scores of innocent people,” said USOV spokesman Rahman Hasemian, who noted that the group is open to perpetrating massacres in the name of God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, or dozens of other deities. “We each have our own path to opening fire on a crowd of unsuspecting villagers or blowing up a public market, and there is room for each and every kind of religiously motivated violence here. We must always remember that the complete disregard for human life we share is stronger than the beliefs that divide us.” To determine whether USOV is a good fit for them, Hasemian added that any and all bloodthirsty zealots are always encouraged to stop by a meeting and execute a hostage in the name of whatever higher power they believe in.

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