The low quality of many leaked sex tapes naturally raises the question: What makes a good sex tape?

1. Light, ideally natural light. If we can’t see anything it’s probably not going to be any good.

2. Some coherent visuals. Bodies are better than limbs. Faces are best but it’s understandable why one wouldn’t include them for public consumption. Stick the phone or camera somewhere reasonable.

3. Duration. A 30-second sex tape is like a 30-second fuck. Give a little build up if you can.

4. Orgasm, had ideally by both parties but one is good too. This is our favorite part. Don’t pretend you’re in lame professional porn. Natural moans and noises are so hot. That weird “porn voice” is not.

5. People or couples who seem to like each other, at least tolerably well. This should probably be at number 1.

6. Don’t “perform” for the camera. If there’s a camera there will probably always be a performative aspect, but try to have sex how you have sex. This is where mainstream porn fails. People who are actually sexually active should find mainstream porn ridiculous.

7. If possible, use a real camera. Right now the best cheap used camera is probably anything in the Olympus EM series (cost: $200 — $800) or Panasonic G7. Pretty much any mirrorless camera you can buy or find will yield better results than your phone does, because digital cameras have much larger sensors. Larger sensors = more light captured = better image quality. We have seen great phone videos, but people choose real cameras for good reason.

8. If you must use a phone, turn it horizontally. Video resolution is meant to be wider horizontally than vertically.