This quote really struck a chord with me:

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” – Peggy O’mara

It’s a daily reminder all parents need. Be gentle. Be loving. Be an example. It’s always worth the effort to be patient.

It can be easy to get caught up in the stresses of life, and then get upset with your children when they misbehave. I have two strong beliefs about children that help me navigate my parenting journey:

1. People are inherently good. If children’s basic needs are taken care of, they behave well. Our children’s negative actions are their way of expressing that a need isn’t being met.

2. People make mistakes when faced with new situations they’ve never handled before- it’s rare to get it right the first time. Many things are new to children. They will misbehave when faced with a problem, until they learn how to handle it correctly. More than punishment, they just need guidance.

These two philosophies have proved to be right, in my experience, over and over and over. Whenever I feel upset at my children, I reevaluate the situation. If I step back and recognize that A was feeling attacked by B and that’s why A hurt B, I handle the situation much differently than if I just see A hurting B. Or if I recognize that B is throwing a tantrum because he’s really hungry, I’ll handle it a lot differently than if I just think he’s being irrational and tell him it’s not okay to tantrum.

Meet the need, then teach the lesson.

If they’re acting out because they’re hungry, give them food. Then help them see a better way to approach the situation. If they’re hurting their siblings because they feel attacked, first make them feel safe. Then proceed to offer direction on how they could better handle the problem.

As you navigate these ideas, you will find it is not effective to do these two steps in reverse order. If you want to solve the problem, you must figure out how to meet the neglected need. And then, more often than not, you’ll find the problem solving itself because everyone’s better able to deal with it.

It was an important realization for me that when I get upset, it often happens when I’m checked out, focusing on other things, and not understanding the full meaning behind my children’s behaviors. That’s on me. That being said, parenting is serious business! It’s hard! Children require an enormous amount of attention in order for us to keep all of their needs met, and for us to be there to gently guide them through the new experiences they face.

So be gentle with yourself and aware of your own feelings. In the parent club, we all know what it’s like to be in survival mode. There’s no breaks. You’re exhausted. You’re hungry. You’re stressed. You’re scared. You’re lonely. You’re less-than-well groomed for the day. But you’re keeping your kids alive, and on those days, you deserve a medal for it! We’ve all been there and it is rough. So, let the same two laws above apply to you.

Meet the need, then teach the lesson.

Just like your children, you won’t be able to be your best self if your basic needs aren’t being met. So when you’re resorting to survival mode, well, get through the day the best you can. But then, ANALYZE it to make sure that doesn’t need to keep happening. Which of your needs are not being met, and how can you change that so that you can be your best self? Communicate those needs to yourself and to those close to you- especially your partner and your children. Raising a family is a team effort! And when your needs are better met, you’ll be able to think more clearly and learn from the past to make you that much better in the future.

The psychologist Abraham Maslow came up with a model that represents a hierarchy of the basic human needs:

1. Biological and Physiological needs – air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

2. Safety needs – protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear.

3. Love and belongingness needs – friendship, intimacy, affection and love, – from work group, family, friends, romantic relationships.

4. Esteem needs – achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others.

5. Self-Actualization needs – realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

(source: http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html)

Obviously this isn’t the end-all be-all, but this list can be a helpful aid in analyzing your situation, to help you find ways to solve problems by seeing what needs could be better met.

So, back to my point. What was the quote again?

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

The way you parent your children matters a lot. It literally affects every part of them for the rest of their lives, so it’s worth every ounce of your effort to do it well. I believe there are millions of wonderful ways to be a good parent, so the bottom line is this. If we want our children to be kind and respectful people, we must be kind and respectful to them. Keeping this philosophy in mind about meeting their needs helps me immensely. I’m able to be more loving and less quick to anger. People are inherently good; children want to be good. When there’s a problem, I can look at them with compassion and help solve it, instead of getting angry that they didn’t do better. Meet the need, then teach the lesson.