At first, I feared I was the only one, alone in the dirty, inappropriate dreams giving me night sweats in the best possible way. But one dark, emoji-filled evening on WhatsApp, emboldened by the lack of a face-to-face meeting, I opened up to my friends about my shameful new feelings: a deep desire for Rishi Sunak. Three dots bubbled back in the group chat. I was not alone.

Social media quickly caught up and now discussions about the strangely alluring chancellor have taken over threads across the internet. People’s cravings for the spectacled hunk have even gone so far that he’s taken on the nickname “Dishy Rishi”. The attraction has nothing to do with the man’s political party; in fact, that’s usually a turn-off for many harbouring the shameful crush. Yet, while Labour’s Keir Starmer is at a first glance far more aesthetically pleasing, Rishi is the man we’d all self-isolate with.

So why are we thirsting over the politician?

Fancying legislators is not a new thing, and being a desirable politician is certainly not unique to Rishi. While many would take a knee to protest the current president of the United States, I’d happily get on two knees for some of the previous ones. JFK is the obvious PILF, but more recently there’s been Obama and, just across the border, Trudeau. Macron, closer to our shores, is equally irresistible for a girl with daddy issues.

Appearance alone can account for an increase of up to eleven percentage points, because we think they’re trustworthy

But it’s not a coincidence that politics is home to a few fitties (definitely not all of them, so please don’t tweet me asking if I’d shag the uggos). There are two reasons for this. The first is that people vote for good-looking candidates: studies have shown that appearance alone can account for an increase of up to eleven percentage points, because we think they’re trustworthy (and because some of us, seemingly, just vote with our genitals). It is worth noting, however, that it’s not as important to voters as other factors, such as what party they belong to, as highlighted by political scientists in the study A Catwalk To Congress. We’re not complete horny animals at least.

It’s also arguable that attractive individuals have, either on purpose or by accident, developed the skills needed to become politicians. It’s easy to see why those who are pretty may be more comfortable engaging in networking and public speaking, but it’s also due to the way they’re brought up. Right from birth, the way you look effects how you’re treated: teachers give more attention to attractive children and, according to Deborah Rhode’s The Beauty Bias: The Injustice Of Appearance In Life And Law, other kids are more likely to think good-looking peers are clever and seek them out as friends.

A pleasant appearance helps in multiple areas of adult life as well. A Harvard study titled Why Beauty Matters showed that physically attractive workers were offered salaries 10.5 per cent higher than those less attractive; Italian researchers from the University Of Messina showed that handsome headshots on identical CVs resulted in far more invitations for interviews; and Joseph T Halford and Hung-Chia Hsu, researchers from the University Of Wisconsin Milwaukee, found stock prices rose higher for businesses with fetching CEOs after positive news about the company aired on TV. With all the benefits your beauty bestows, it’s easy to understand how those living such a charmed life may be more inclined for – and better suited to – politics.

© Bloomberg

But while this explains the reason some politicians are attractive, I’m not convinced it answers the question why Rishi has only recently popped into our collective wank-bank. A few months ago, just after the man had been anointed our new chancellor, I actually sat at the next-door table to Dishy and his ridiculously beautiful (let’s pretend she doesn’t exist) wife. I immediately recognised him but felt none of the tummy turning and fanny flutters he elicits in me today. This suggests (for me at least) that it is not the physical attributes of the man but the situation.

After much consideration and deliberation with similarly afflicted women I have concluded that the attraction is down to two factors. The first: his position. It seems ironic that Boris Johnson has always portrayed himself as a Casanova who could talk the knickers off any woman he tussles his hair at, but now his presence behind that podium makes women dryer than a corona cough. Next to the bumbling Boris, who looks like he’s living out that recurring nightmare where you’re starring in a play you didn’t rehearse for, Rishi seems far calmer, making us feel a little safer.

We’ve been staring at Tories so long that one of them has morphed into a saviour-stud hybrid

I’m reminded of Phoebe Waller Bridge’s character masturbating over Barack Obama in that immortal Fleabag scene. When the actress and writer was subsequently asked on BBC Radios 4’s Woman’s Hour “Why Obama?”, she replied, “He represents hope – and hope is sexy.” I think this applies to Rishi as well: he’s sexy because he represents hope that maybe the cabinet aren’t all blundering, confused buffoons, that maybe we’re going to be OK.

The second reason is because we all have cabin fever. We’re locked indoors with limited access to flirting unless done through a cold, uncaring screen. We’ve completed Pornhub and are running out of other options. The invention of mermaids came about because lonely, horny men at sea spent so long staring at the oceans that the manatees on rocks started to resemble scantily dressed, sexy creatures: this, in a nutshell, is what’s happened to us. We’ve been staring at Tories so long that one of them has morphed into a saviour-stud hybrid, often found standing next to a confused-looking manatee.

But now we’ve figured out the reason, I’m here to tell you not to fight it. Embrace it! If you’re solo this isolation, there are worse people to flick your bean or stroke your sausage to than Dishy Rishi. It’s better than spending every day falling deeper and deeper down a porn hole until the only thing that gets you off are furries and feet orgies. If you’re a couple isolating together? Then there’s little else to do but bump uglies (condoms sold out faster than pasta at my local). Women’s fantasies have for a long time involved men in positions of power and authority, so why not role-play as the chancellor of the exchequer enforcing all those life-saving isolation rules and punishing those who disobey? Tonight my boyfriend and I have just such a role-play planned complete with blazer, glasses and some fiscal stimulation. Oh, Dishy!

Now read

There’s a growing community who are thirsty for Dominic Raab and he doesn’t deserve a jot of it

What do you do when your partner initiates a sex strike?

Drillminister: ‘The coronavirus response has put pounds over people’