6 June, 2016. 13:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THE HEARTS OF HIPSTERS and perverts around the world are filled with pangs of sadness this afternoon as Hillary Clinton officially won the Democratic nomination in California.

Capitulating like a Bangladeshi cricket team, Bernie Sanders is refusing to give in until the very last moment – even though he’s on track to take home just 30% of the primary vote in America’s most populous state.

This has lead to a stark realisation that’s been outlined by defence and security analysts around the world. The largest and most sophisticated nuclear weapons system on the planet could be in the hands of a grumpy, menopausal woman or Hillary Clinton.

“It’d be a tough pill to swallow if that long-headed bitch got his hands on the launch codes,” write JANE magazine columnist Michael D Hartmann.

“He’s such a painful slut. Have you heard him scream, bitch and moan about everything? Imagine hearing that for the next four years?”

“On top of that, you’ve got a potential for all out war, just because that old tube-tied windbag says something wrong to the Russians or Chinese. He’s simply unfit to govern a national like America. Canada maybe, not the US.”

Hartmann’s sentiments were echoed by former Republican nominee John McCain, who took today’s announcement to publically harang the Holy Father for not taking him up to heaven before all this happened.

That response from the 79-year-old is one of the most tempered responses to come out of the GOP in the recent hours, with many advisors within the party giving off the illusion that the entire entity is prepared to conga line behind Trump into certain oblivion.

“Something is wrong in America,” stated McCain as he addressed screaming crowds this afternoon in Texas.

“You’ve got a pair of New Englanders, this Sanders who been living in sin for decades and Clinton, who sold out our troops in Benghazi. Then you’ve got this fucking guy riding my fucking train to the White House,”

“They say God works in mysterious ways. Kinda wished he’d given me a heart attack or something. Hell, I’d even take a massive stroke so I could just spend the rest of my days dribbling into a rag taped to my head while the world around me implodes. Anything’s better than what we’re gunna get.”

Reprinted with permission from The New York Times.