FX for Esquire.com

We recently joined FX's Archer (which returns to TV this Thursday) to ask fans of the outrageous and outrageously awesome spy comedy what they would like Sterling Archer to answer about all things love and sex. You responded with a long list of passionate inquiries, and now we have gotten responses from Archer himself to some of the most popular and pressing postings. Here are the World's Greatest Spy's thoughts on the Friend Zone, the Danger Zone, sex positions, his ideal date, and much more. —The Editors

How do I get out of the Friend Zone and into the Danger Zone? —Javier Manzano

To get into the Danger Zone you have to rev up your engine, shove it into overdrive, and head out on the edge, preferably with very hot intensity. I don't know what the Friend Zone is.

If he doesn't know how to poach a goddamn egg, should I dump him? (Seriously, it's like Eggs 101.) —Michelle Lynn

Yes. (I know.)

If you had to choose between true love and starring in a movie with Burt Reynolds, what would the name of the movie be? —Evan Guappo Coburn

Gator II: The Gatoring

Just the tip? —Zack Young

Of?

My girlfriend has emotional needs, how do I keep her from having those? —Michael Evans

I guess just keep doing what you're doing.

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What color turtleneck is best for seducing women? Black or slightly darker black? —Eric W. Call

If it fits correctly, it shouldn't matter what color the... oh, I misread that. Sorry. Both are good. Same for the turtlenecks.

Direction to the whore island please? —Emran Latheef

No. Thank you.

Dear Archer, 80-year-old renowned serial killer Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old woman and I'm still single. What am I doing wrong? —Peter MacLeod

Well, it's hard to say with any degree of accuracy since I don't know you, but probably everything.

One train is departing from St. Louis, the other from Los Angeles. One travels at 75 mph, the other at 55 mph. Given that they both depart at the same time, how long would it take to seduce every woman onboard both trains? —Chris Hendricks

How many women are on each train? Also, are the trains diesel or electric? (This shouldn't affect my seduction efficiency; I'm just a bit of a train-geek.)

Is phrasing important? —Phil Gemmell

If you can fit it in. Phrasing! Also yes, it is important.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/4f/03/b5/4f03b5b0768f2474364676a7f1ef9247.jpgHow do you get women to agree to threesomes?! —Edward Romero

By asking them politely, idiot.

What is, in your opinion, the best non-traditional sexual lubricant? —Joanna Rahn

Greek yogurt (vanilla).

What would be Archer's perfect date? —Catherine Dawid

May 2. The weather is warm yet breezy. It's also the day Billie Holiday and her mother were arrested for prostitution which is irrelevant but I wanted to mention it.

What's your opinion on the Oedipus complex? —Feind Herz

Ew.

Dear Mr. Archer, how do you manage to balance both a love life and a demanding career at the same time? —Jimmie Matthew Berguin

By never apologizing for anything ever.

I don't have a ping pong paddle. What are some other bedroom accessories you would suggest? And what should I be feeling if I am feeling feelings? Also, can I get Woodhouse's recipe for Bloody Marys? —Meg Farrell

Whoa! Slow down Meg. First, I have a question for you. What do you use to play ping pong?

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What advice on romance will you give your daughter? —Missy Malevolent

I've actually thought about this a lot and have a well-crafted response... Wait. Hold on. Missy Malevolent? Are you still working at the Cheetah Lounge? Seriously... call me.

Hi Archer, how do you seduce your co-workers without getting fired? —Rocco Durazza

By getting them fired first.

Favorite sex position? —Justine Bouman

The classic Lotus. It's where I have sex and then drive away in a 1966 Lotus Elan.

As a new father, can you give any advice to those of us that are expecting? —Lula M. Wilson Yount

This question deserves a serious answer and I'm too drunk for that.

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