Whenever John Holmes became aroused, lights in the building would momentarily dim, then return to normal. Sometimes small appliances would also stop working. It was believed his enormous penis would tap into whatever energy source was handy, and absorb it during the powering-up process.

During his teenage years Holmes was almost fired from a job at Dairy Queen, because the manager believed he’d caught him smuggling a sleeve of Mister Misty cups inside his pants. When he proved his innocence by revealing the source of the bulge, the manager began weeping, so Holmes just left.

In 1959 John Holmes appeared as an audience member on a notable episode of American Bandstand. Details are sketchy, but several people were hurt while Danny and the Juniors performed “At the Hop.” There was a mysterious noise off-camera, which sounded like fabric ripping, followed by shrieks of panic. The show was presented live, and ambulance drivers could be seen in the background carrying teenagers out on stretchers, while Dick Clark pretended nothing unusual was happening. It is unclear if Holmes was involved or affected.

At the height of his popularity, John Holmes had an assistant named Lincoln. And while Abraham Lincoln was serving in the U.S. House of Representatives, he had an assistant named Benjamin “My god, look at the size of that cock!” Cartwright.

John Holmes was a scratch golfer, but only when his “moneymaker” was situated to the left. If he forgot, and left it suctioned to the opposite thigh, his balance was thrown off and he played like a beginner. This is said to be the origin of the popular golfing taunt “playing like your dick’s to the right.”

Although Holmes was an undisputed porn superstar, many behind-the-scene types didn’t like working with him. In fact, cameramen often demanded time-and-a-half to work a John Holmes shoot, because his penis played havoc with their cameras’ auto-focus feature. “The lens would just whirr and whine, struggling to locate the center of gravity,” one complained, years later.

John Holmes was an avid bowler, and used a ball with just one big hole drilled in it.

As a young man John Holmes was considered a scientific genius. His teachers were convinced he would someday change the world. They pushed him toward medicine, and cancer research, with great optimism and hope. He seemed to be another Einstein – a true once-every-hundred-years miracle. But he listened to their overtures, and said, “Science? Are you kidding?? Have you seen the size of my wiener?!”

In 1973 FBI agents thwarted an assassination attempt on John Holmes’ penis. They arrested a South Carolina man, bent on taking out the famous phallus because of jealousy. “I didn’t want to hurt John,” he later explained, “I just wanted to kill his cock.” He testified at trial that he’d earned the nickname “Tater Tot” during Junior High gym, and harbored a burning resentment.

At the time of his death, John Holmes was fully-engorged. He asked to be cremated, but, under the circumstances, wouldn’t fit through the furnace door. So, at considerable cost, his family had a custom bubble-top casket built, and he was buried in a small cemetery in Van Nuys, California. Almost from the beginning, locals have spoken of strange happenings near Holmes’ grave. Enormous penises erupting from the soil… teenage lovebirds being chased by levitating dicks… wispy mustaches appearing where none had been before…

I hope you’ve enjoyed this celebration of a great man. If you’re aware of other lesser-known facts about John Holmes, please share them in the comments section below.

And I’ll see you guys again next time!

Now playing in the bunker

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