The internet has been having a lot of fun doing book reports in the style of Donald Trump. We want to play! We don’t have English degrees, but we do have law degrees. Above the Law now brings you Donald Trump’s interpretation our most famous legal decisions.

Elie Here:

Marbury v. Madison

Thomas Madison, Thomas Jefferson Madison, one of our great, great founding men, probably the best who was also great with the blacks, okay. He bought Louisiana from the Mexicans and turned it into New Orleans, one of our great, great lakes. So this great man decided that he didn’t want hire this loser who was a total disaster. The POLITICIANS… you know who I’m talking about… you know… the SWAMP PEOPLE, tried to make make the President hire this loser, but they lost. Tommy won. Bigly. EVEN THE SUPREME COURT, which is so weak, had to admit that Thomas was right the whole time.

Palsgraf v. Long Island Railroad Co

This woman, and if you look at her, you’ll know what kind of woman I’m talking about. She gets hurt. Okay. At a train station. After some loser, a very bad person, drops fireworks on the train tracks. Sad! But then this woman, and she was just looking for money, folks. Just looking for money. She sues the RAILROAD. What a nasty woman.

Miranda v. Arizona

The cops, and we have to support our cops… Our police. We need law and order, but the rigged media cancelled it. The cops caught these guys, these bad hombres. And they confessed. OKAY FOLKS? They confessed to crimes, to murders, to stealing our jobs and taking them back to Mexico. But then these liberals who don’t know how to win, said that these bad guys needed to be told things. SPECIAL THINGS that nobody even knows about. “Warnings” they called it. Telling CRIMINALS what we are not going to do to them. It’s true. So dumb. I would keep the criminals in suspense. We’ve got to have the water boarding, we’ve got to kill their families.

Roe v. Wade

I’ve never met this woman, Roe. I. Don’t. Even. Think. That’s. Her. Real. Name. But she says “I want an abortion!” Yeah right. Like anybody had sex with her. But this abortion, folks, it’s DISGUSTING. When you are a doctor — and the Supreme Court said this is true — women will just let you grab them by the pussy and rip their baby right out of their inside-purse. And, you know, when I was a younger man, I thought this was just fine. I had NO PROBLEMS doing this myself. But it’s wrong. And ACTIONS speak louder than words.

Brown v. Board of Education

The African-Americans, they’re going to terrible schools. They’re shooting their teachers. Nobody can read. I visited one in “Little Africa,” in upstate Manhattan, and it was horrible. You get the wrong answer and, POW, somebody knifes your throat with a shotgun. So the blacks, they sued. They sued to make the schools in America just as bad as the schools in the parts of the world where they live. So wrong. And this was the worst deal we probably ever made with the blacks. WORSE than letting them go free without getting anything in return. Our leaders, so stupid. They were TOTALLY OUTPLAYED by Thurgood Marshall — who has a very sad and not great department store, by the way. We’ve got to make our schools great again. Make them great, again.

Kathryn On The Case:

Korematsu v. United States

Listen, there’s a law, and that Fred Korematsu, he broke it. He’s a bad yat-su. And ya know. Internment camps, you know, they’re not that bad. We’re at war people! The Japanese they’re not sending us their best. No, they’re sending us their criminals, their rapist, their SPIES people. You’ve got to be smart about this. The Japanese government is much smarter, much sharper, much more cunning. Listen we’ve got to have complete and total shutdown of the Japanese entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on, and the ones that are here, we’ve got to lock ‘em up.

New York Times Co. v. Sullivan

The New York Times, they’re a terrible newspaper — they’re losing money and are dishonest. And listen, they printed some stuff and you know it wasn’t true. Nothing but lies. They were forced to apologize. They were wrong, they were wrong. And now the Supreme Court comes in spouting nonsense about actual malice? They were wrong, that’s all you need to know. People this is why we need to open up our libel laws so we can sue them and win lots of money.

Tinker v. Des Moines

What we’ve got here are a couple of kids. You know kids love me. But they’re wearing these ugly armbands, are they attractive? I don’t think so. I mean come on. But listen, they’re just trying to be politically correct, about the war, which, for the record — I was against, look it up. But the school, frankly they don’t have time for total political correctness, and to be honest with you, this country doesn’t have time either. But no, the Supreme Court says these kids can do what they want, a bunch of losers. I’ll tell ya there are no consequences to protesting any more.

Griswold v. Connecticut

This case? We’ve got some nasty, loose women and uh, you know, they don’t want babies. And they’re married but you can’t blame them — I’m a star. Now the Supreme Court says birth control is okay, and there’s a right to marital privacy. And that’s yuge, let me tell you. Have you all seen Melania? Stand up and say hi Melania. There you go, isn’t she beautiful folks? I’ll tell ya, I don’t apologize to her though. Because you know, birth control, that’s what made America great again. Birth control, it’s like a great wall, that women have to pay for.

Parting Patrice Shots:

International Shoe v. Washington

Let me tell you about these guys. These guys would come into all my hotels, get rooms, sell these shoes out of my rooms. Cheap, international shoes, all right? I think they made them in CHI-NA. Okay? What? Missouri? Whatever. Anyway these people thought they come into this country and break all its laws and get away with it, but we’re going to tax them, all right? We’re not even going to wait. We’re gonna grab them right by their minimum contacts so fast it’ll make your head spin.

Dred Scott v. Sandford:

I used to have this slave. Very classy, luxurious slave. The best. I have wonderful relationships with the African-Americans, by the way. Anyway I took him with me everywhere, he was great. We went through Wisconsin — with that weak and ineffective Paul Ryan — and my guy, he thinks he gets to be free just because we went through a free state, he gets to be free. But look, he’s still a slave. That was the law at the time, I went back to a slave state, and he can’t do anything about it. Frankly, that makes me smart.

Worcester v. Georgia

This Supreme Court with these terrible judges. Listen, let me tell you something about Indians. Don’t be fooled, these guys, they know what they’re doing, these guys are sharks, okay? So they don’t need any protection from this Supreme Court that’s so weak they can’t even enforce this decision. These Indians are going to go out there and build the best casinos, all right? You won’t believe how much wampum these guys are gonna make.

Buck v. Bell

Oh. Oh God. No. That’s just awful. Let’s end this post now.