HEY GUYS AM I TOO LATE FOR THE WEISS ARTICLE GRAVY TRAIN WHERE I RAMBLE MEANINGLESSLY ABOUT SKILL FOR WAY TOO LONG? NO? COOL!!!! I HOPE YOURE PREPARED FOR ANOTHER RAMBLING RANT FROM A DRUNKARD, CAUSE GODDAMN THESE END UP BEING MORE FUN THAN SHOTGUNS 40% OF THE TIME.

SO WHATS UP LADIES AND GENTLEFUCKS, ITS YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD BUTTSANDCOCONUTS HERE TO EDUCATE YOU ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN WEISS SCHWARZ, WHY MY WAIFU IS GREAT NUMBERS!!! AS ONE CAN ASSUME WITH MOST CARD GAMES, WEISS IS A GAME OF NUMBERS. 50 CARDS IN A DECK, 4 COPIES OF EACH CARD (WITH SOME RETARDED EXCEPTIONS) 8 CLIMAXES, 4 LEVELS, 7 CARDS IN CLOCK. YOU HAVE PROBABLY COUNTED THE CARDS IN YOUR OWN DECK, OR THE CLIMAXES IN YOUR WAITING ROOM, OR THE NUMBER OF STOCK YOU HAVE, THESE ARE ALL COMMON THINGS IF YOU ARENT TOTAL SHIT AT THE GAME. THERE ARE BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF POSSIBILITIES (WELL POSSIBLY NOT REALLY, BUT I WANTED TO FEEL SMART LIKE CARL SAGAN). I HAVE PREPARED A GROUP OF ARBITRARY NUMBERS STATISTICS (HAVENT HEARD THAT WORD UNRIONICALLY IN A WHILE, EH?) FOR YOU TO DIGEST AND HOPEFULLY HELP YOU RATIONALIZE WHY YOU ARE SO TERRIBLE AT THIS GAME. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, LET US TAKE A SKINNY DIPPING JACKNIFE DIVE INTO THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF NUMBERS.

CHPATER 1: BREAKDOWN

I THINK WEISS SCHWARZ CAN VERY COMPACTLY AND SIMPLY BE BROKEN DOWN INTO 47 INDIVIDUAL, YET EQUALLY IMPORTANT VALUES. I CANT REALLY BE BOTHERED TO GO OVER EACH ONE SO ILL JUST FOCUS ON WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE THE CORE OR THE CORE.

1. PRIORITIES AND DECISION MAKING

THIS IS WHAT SETS MOST PEOPLE APART FROM EACH OTHER, THE ABILITY TO SIT THERE AND ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING. THERES ACTUALLY LIKE, A GAGILLION FACTORS TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHEN MEASURING SOMEONES ABILITY TO THINK, SO I THINK IM PRETTY QUALIFIED TO ANALYZE IT SINCE I HAVE A DEGREE (IN AN UNRELATED FIELD). THE BIGGEST THING YOU CAN GET FROM WATHCING A PERSON IS HOW WILLING THEY ARE TO TURN THEIR DUDES SIDEWAYS, AND IF SAID DUDES BEING TURNED SIDEWAYS ARE DOING SO FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON. IT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRI-RAMMING FOR NO FUCKING REASON, OR TRI-RAMMING TO AVOID SOMETHING LIKE A MARIKA SLAUGHTERFEST.

2. SALINITY MANAGEMENT

WEISS IS A GAME THAT MAKES PEOPLE SALTY. IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. I HAVE SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE CRY AND CRY ABOUT BAD LUCK, OR WEISS BIENG A SACKFEST THAT I AM QUITE SICK OF IT. SURE ITS UNFAIR TO TAKE 10 STRAIGHT, SURE ITS SHIT TO OPEN 4 CLIMAXES, DITCH YOUR HAND, AND DRAW 2 MORE, BUT GUESS WHAT? IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE AND PEOPLE DONT FUCKING CARE. THIS STAT IS MORE MENTAL THAN ANYTHING, BUT BEING ABLE TO KEEP A COOL HEAD IN A SHITTY SITUATION, OR AFTER A BAD LOSS, CAN HELP YOU IN THE LONG RUN. PLAYING IN A TOURNEY OR A SERIES OF MATCHES “ON TILT” CAN NEGATIVELY AFFECT HOW YOU PLAY, THUS MAKING YOU SALTIER, THUS MAKING YOU PLAY EVEN WORSE, AND SO ON. IT IS A GODDAMN OUROBOROS, PEOPLE, COME ON. IF YOU CANT GET OVER YOUR SALT ISSUES MANUALLY, GO TO YOUR DOCTOR AND ASK IF YOU ARE ELIGIBLE FOR A HUMAN SALINITY FILTER UPGRADE, IF MAY HELP YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

3. SACK-FACTOR

A LESSER KNOWN AND UNDER UTILIZED ASPECT OF WEISS SCHWARZ, IS THE INHERENT GAME MECHANIC KNOWN AS THE “SACK-FACTOR”. I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL RECENTLY, SO ENJOY AN EXCERPT ON THE SUBJECT I FOUND IN SOME LITERATURE:

“Sack-Factor is a luck boosting technique present in Weiss Schwarz. It is traditionally activated by being a lucky piece of shit.

The duration of Sack-Factor varies with each player, and it becomes more powerful if the user is behind one or two levels. These are known as Level 2 and Level 3 Sack-Factors respectively.

Sack-Factor can only be activated once per match, but has many uses, such as increase damage on attacks, canceling 3 times while severely uncompressed or turn the tables when you are losing a match.”

SO REMEMBER, NEXT TIME YOU LOSE TO SOME GOD FORSAKEN DECK, YOU PROBABLY ARE BETTER THAN THE PERSON, BUT THAT PERSON’S SACK-FACTOR RATING IS PROBABLY JUST MILES BETTER THAN YOUR OWN. GIT GUD, M8.

4. SHUFFLING

BEING A BETTER SHUFFLER CAN ACHIEVE MANY THINGS FOR YOU, NAMELY BETTER CONTROL OF YOUR CANCELS. IF YOU HONE YOUR SHUFFLING TECHNIQUE BY DOING SOME SHUFFLING TRAINING UNDER A WATERFALL, KUNG FU MOVIE STYLE, THEN I AM MOST CERTAIN THAT YOU WILL CANCEL AT LEAST 20% MORE OFTEN. WHAT IS UNFORTUNATE, THAT 20% OF 0 IS STILL 0, SO IF YOU DONT EVER CANCEL THEN THERE IS BASICALLY NO HOPE FOR YOU. BEING AN EXPERT SHUFFLER YOU CAN ALSO TAP INTO THE EVIL IN YOUR HEART TO GIVE YOU OPPONENT EXTREMELY POOR CANCELS, BUT DOING SO REPORTEDLY SHORTENS YOUR LIFE SPAN, SO AT WHAT COST IS THIS POWER WORTH IT? NOTE THAT THIS IS DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT FROM STACKING. CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER, SO YOU DONT BE A CHEATING FUCCBOI YOU SHITHEADS.

5. THE ABILITY TO RATIONALIZE LUCK AND BE AN ADULT ABOUT IT

SOMEWHAT RELATED TO SALINITY, BUT NOT ALWAYS, THIS IS SOMETHING I OFTEN SEE A CRITICAL LACKING IN SOME PEOPLE. NORMALLY THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIKE A CLIMAX COUNT OF 4 IN A 16 CARD DECK AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT CANCELING. WELL, FIRST OF ALL NUMBER CRUNCHING FUCCBOI, THERES 12 POTENTIAL DAMAGE IN YOUR DECK AND YOURE CRYING ABOUT TAKING 5 OVER 3 ATTACKS? WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. YOU WERE EITHER GOING TO CANCEL OR NOT, DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON. (ALSO 4 IN 16 ISNT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A RATIO JUST SAYING). PEOPLE WHO LACK THIS STAT USUALLY END UP GOING A CRUSHING AVERAGE 2-2 IN SWISS AND THEN MOPE AROUND UNTIL THE NEXT LOCALS SAYING “OH, WOE IS ME” INTO A MIRROR, SINCE THATS THE ONLY PERSON WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

6. DEVOTION TO YOUR WAIFU

DONT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, IM NOT TRYING TO CALL YOUR WAIFU SHIT (FOR ONCE), OR INVALIDATE WEISS SCHWARZ BY CALLING IT “WAIFU WARS”. THIS REALLY IS A ROUNDABOUT WAY OF SAYING, “STOP PLAYING WAIFU DECKS IN COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENTS YOU SICK FUCKS.” IF YOU TRULY LOVE HER AND ARE DEVOTED TO HER, THEN YOU SHOULDNT MAKE HER GO THROUGH THE TORMENT OF GETTING CASUALLY STEPPED ON BY TO LOVE RU OR GIRLFRIEND BETA. ITS PRACTICALLY ABUSE. I KNOW YOURE JUST TRYING TO BE REAL AND YOU WANT TO REP HER AND SHOW YOUR LOVE, BUT YOU PROBABLY EMBARRASS HER EVERY TIME YOU GO 0-2 DROP, ESP WHEN YOU HAD A BETTER DECK TO PLAY ANYWAYS.

7. GIVING A SHIT

NO REALLY, I CANT BELIEVE THIS HAS TO BE ITS OWN FACTOR. THIS ONE IS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO BASICALLY THROW TOGETHER THE SHITTIEST POSSIBLE DECKS, DONT TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEIR DECK IS SHITTY, LOSE WITH IT AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TIMES, AND KEEP PLAYING IT BECAUSE THEY WIN 1 GAME FOR EVERY INFINITE NUMBER OF LOSSES. THIS IS BASICALLY A STAT THAT DIFFERENTIATES YOU FROM BEING A “TRYHARD” FROM A “TRYHARDLY”.

NOW I KNOW PEOPLE ARENT GOING TO READ THIS WHOLE THING IF I LIST OUT ALL 47, SO ILL JUST GIVE A QUICK LIST OF THE OTHER 40 AND WE’LL BE ON OUR WAY.

8. SHOE SIZE

9. SHIRT COLOR

10. ETHNICITY

11. PRIVILEGE METERS

12. KNOWLEDGE OF OPPONENTS DECK

13. NUMBER OF FACEBOOK FRIENDS

14. ABILITY TO TRACK YOUR CLIMAXES

15. NUMBER OF PETS GROWING UP

16. RATIONAL VS IRRATIONAL FEARS

17. MEME KNOWLEDGE

18. BLOODTYPE

19. HOW AWKWARD THE PHOTO ON YOUR SCHOOL ID IS

20. HOW AWKWARD THE PHOTO ON YOUR STATE ID OR DRIVER’S LICENSE IS

21. TASTE IN ANIME THAT ARENT IN WEISS

22. TASTE IN ANIME THAT ARE IN WEISS

23. TWIN TAILS VS THIGH HIGHS

24. CRIMINAL RECORDS

25. BEATBOXING

26. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE OF ARCHETYPES WITHIN WEISS

27. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE OF PLAYSTYLES ACROSS CARDGAMES

28. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE OF SETS

29. SUPERIORITY COMPLEX OF PLAYING JAPANESE EXCLUSIVELY

30. INFERIORITY COMPLEX OF PLAYING ENGLISH EXCLUSIVELY

31. TWITTER FOLLOWERS

32. FOOD YOU ATE IN THE LAST 24 HOURS

33. LUCK

34. NUMBERS ON YOUR BANK STATEMENTS

35. THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU KEEP UNDER YOUR BED

36. CONNECTIONS AND NETWORKING SKILLS

37. NUMBER OF LYRICS TO THE SONG “LET IT GO” MEMORIZED

38. NOT LOOKING LIKE A TRYHARD BUT STILL BEING EXTREMELY CRITICAL IN YOUR ANALYSIS OF THE GAME

39. UNDERSTANDING OF CARD ADVANTAGE

40. NOT MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF REFRESHING ON A CLIMAX

41. LUNAR PHASES

42. QUALITY OF YOUR STAR SIGN

43. DOES YOUR SLEEVE MATCH THE SERIES YOU PLAY

44. CAN YOU NAME THE CHARACTER OR SERIES ON ALL OF THE BOXES AND SLEEVES YOU OWN

45. WILLINGNESS TO SIT THROUGH A SHITTY SOURCE MATERIAL TO JUSTIFY PLAYING A GOOD DECK

46. ABILITY TO WHEEL AND DEAL OVER FACEBOOK

47. NUMBER IN YOUR PAYPAL BALANCE

THESE ARE THE BASIC ATTRIBUTES ONE MUST CONSIDER WHEN TRYING TO GAUGE THE SKILL OF A PLAYER. SOME OF THESE VALUES MAY SEEM ARBITRARY AND RIDICULOUS, AND YOURE RIGHT THEY ARE, BUT TRUST ME I DID SCIENCE AND SHIT WITH TESTTUBES SO I KNOW WHATS UP.

CHAPTER 2: WHAT DOES IT MEAN

SO, WHAT DO ALL THESE NUMBERS MEAN? BASICALLY A LOT OF NOTHING. BUT NOW YOU CAN ATLEAST FILL OUT A SPREADSHEET WITH ALL THIS DATA AND COMPARE NUMBERS SIDE BY SIDE TO FIGURE OUT WHO THE BETTER PLAYER IS. YOU CAN EVEN PRINT THESE VALUES ON THE BACK OF PICTURES OF SAID PLAYERS AND TRADE THEM AROUND WITH YOUR FRIENDS LIKE BASEBALL CARDS, A CARD GAME WITHIN A CARD GAME, NOW THATS META AS FUCK. IM AFRAID THATS ALL I HAVE FOR YOU MY LITTLE DUCKLINGS, I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORKING ON REAL ARTICLES. HAVE FUN WITH THIS SHITFEST IN THE TIME BEING, AND REMEMBER, STAY FREE MY CHILDREN.