CHICAGO—Recalling how the former classmate would ruthlessly prey on insecurities, sources confirmed Monday that the girl who repeatedly called you a slut in high school was posting a passionate Facebook status about the Women’s March. “I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that when women stand together, we can change the world,” wrote the woman who made your life a living hell for four years and once called you a skank in front of the entire cafeteria. “It’s now important more than ever for women to be great role models for every young girl. The progress we make today will change the lives of women for generations to come.” At press time, your former tormenter, who had scrawled the phrase “blowjob bitch” on your locker after noticing you sat next to her ex-boyfriend during a school assembly, posted an impassioned reminder for all women to stay strong in the face of adversity.

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