I truly believe that we should be proactive towards our health. It’s important to notice and monitor the changes that occur in our bodies, from bizarre-shaped stool to that nasty hairy mole. Whenever I notice something new, I like to consult Mr. Google, my virtual physician. He’s awesome. He’s available 24/7. He’s so smart! He knows EVERYTHING. I think I’m in love. But don’t tell my husband – or my family doctor.

You don’t have to tell me, I already know. I can’t help myself. Entering “red patch on leg” in the Google search bar is like opening a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get, but it’s probably cancer.

To avoid experiencing a life crisis every other week, here’s why you shouldn’t trust Google with your health:

1. You might have trigeminal neuralgia a.k.a. the suicide disease

I had pain on the right side of my face. At first I thought I had tooth sensitivity, so I started brushing my teeth with that Pronamel toothpaste everybody’s talking about. When that didn’t help, I figured it out: it was muscle spasms due to clenching my jaw at night. When the muscle relaxants I started taking didn’t work, I had no choice but turn to my secret lover because the pain was getting worse.

I entered “excruciating jaw pain” in Google. That’s how I discovered trigeminal neuralgia, or “the most painful condition known to humankind,” the kind where people resort to killing themselves because the pain is too unbearable.

I couldn’t believe I was going to die from trigeminal neuralgia. I immediately went to an emergency walk-in clinic to confirm the diagnosis. What was once slight discomfort became the worst thing that had ever happened to me – even worse than getting cancer. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t feel my face anymore. The doctor examined me and took x-rays, which all came back clean. Then the doctor asked a simple question: “Have you seen a dentist recently?”

A little advice to you guys: before thinking you have the suicide disease, go see your dentist. You just lack common sense and have a tooth abscess. Because of your shenanigans, the small tooth infection that once was turned into a full-blown jaw infection. Now you need an emergency root canal and it will cost you a cool $1,000. Congratulations asshole.

2. Maybe it’s a stroke or potential multiple sclerosis

I was walking back from the grocery store with a couple of plastic bags hanging from each arm. When I finally got home, my right arm started feeling funny. It was tingling. This was something new. I thought I’d wait it out for a while, but when the tingling didn’t fade or disappear after a few minutes, I figured it was a good idea to go to the ER just in case a stroke was around the corner. According to the Heart and Stroke Foundation’s website, I had warning sign number one.

So I spent the night in the waiting room since the nurse at the triage station obviously didn’t think I was having a stroke. When I was called in at 7 a.m. (finally), they decided to run some blood tests. They figured a nice looking young woman like me wouldn’t stay up all night in a creepy downtown ER waiting room if she didn’t have to. “We’re going to check for MS”, they casually said.

Fun fact: hanging cheap plastic bags filled with 1L cartons of milk on your forearms for 10 minutes will cut circulation and cause numbness due to the lack of blood flow to your hands.

And that’s how one smart girl wasted valuable taxpayers’ money and clogged up the already burdened health care system for 20 hours.

3. You’re definitely pregnant

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the bathroom and noticed blood spots in my panties. My period wasn’t due for another 8 days. So no, it couldn’t be early menstruation. It had to be implantation bleeding, which occurs when “a fertilized egg attaches itself to inner lining of your uterus approximately 10 days before your next expected period”. I was still sitting on the toilet, sweating like a pig because I thought my brunch days were over, when I opened the bathroom door and called my husband in.

“Honey look!” I shouted while showing him my underpants.

*Traumatised look on my husband’s face.*

“Do you know what this means??”

*Traumatised look on my husband’s face.*

“This is implantation bleeding! I think I’m pregnant. I’m like, 95% sure. I read it on babycenter.com.”

“Maybe you should take a test first”, my husband said. Of course I would take a pregnancy test. Anyways, it’s just be a formality since I had PROOF I was carrying our unborn child. I spent the next couple of days avoiding my favorite ginger Grey Goose cocktail. I refused to eat smoked salmon. I couldn’t BELIEVE I hadn’t opened that great bottle of pinot noir yet.

And then the spotting became heavier, also known as menstruation. It hadn’t occurred to me that our recent trip to Abu Dhabi could screw up my cycle. Why not? I have no idea.

I must be blinded by my drunken search engine love.