In a World Cup opener that kept everyone on the edge of their seats, Russia just managed to out-bribe Saudi Arabia and claim the win in Moscow.

FIFA President Gianni Infantino applauded both sides for engaging in a highly competitive bidding war that saw both nations offer stock options in their national oil companies during the first round of bribes. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman tried to sweeten the deal by including a few crates of those sweet ass robes him and his peeps are always rocking, but Russian President Vladimir Putin promised to never take his shirt off for a picture ever again - and the sides were even once more.

The Saudis very nearly closed the deal by offering FIFA executives access to an island in the Persian Gulf where they could actually hunt people with crossbows; but Russia took home the W by offering a Blu-ray version of Donald Trump’s pee tape, complete with horrified video commentary provided by Vice President Mike Pence.

The Saudi team suffered a 5-0 defeat at the hands of their Russian hosts, but were compensated with a single shot of vodka that the Crown Prince allowed them to share among the 25-man roster.

This article is a work of satire.