[This was not actually written by me, but it is frequently about me. Julian Carax wrote it.]

Last night, Lea became full-fledged. It’s hard to describe the precise transition because it’s an internal, psychological one; many people go to one party, have a great experience, then decide it’s not for them. Maybe two or three parties—they go fine, even well, but the individual’s personality doesn’t match the ecstasy of the party. Those people visit New Zealand but wouldn’t necessarily want to live there. Lea is not a tourist, not anymore—she’s a native, and probably the one to go native faster than any other person I’ve met. To understand Countdown it is necessary to understand how Lea got there.

The first party I took her to, a private one, went well; at it, I put Lea on a cross for a flogging, which turned her on. Later she told me that, when she was being spanked and paddled on the cross, she felt the eyes of the party on her as well as the intense physical sensations. Before me, she’d not been properly dommed, and even now I haven’t hit her limits. At the party, I paddled her in front of the group, and when we had sex after she came “harder than she’d ever come before” thanks to the powerful sexual environment. I was spent and she wanted a girl. As if we were living in a fairy tale, another couple showed right up: Sasha and Brent, with Sasha looking for a girl and Brent… actually, I don’t know what Brent’s deal was, and now that I know more about him I perhaps know even less (this will make more sense with more context).

Lea and Sasha spent what must have been two hours together. Maybe more. While they fit together perfectly, the guest list wasn’t put together properly because there was a gender imbalance issue, but it didn’t matter because Lea and Sasha found each other. When they were done orgasming, with like a hundred a piece, or some ridiculous number—from the outside, I’m not sure whether each orgasm was a discrete event or a continuous experience.

I’ve seen girls in the erotic zone before. I once met this woman off an app, Kinkd, and she hadn’t much experience with kink or sex parties. We went on a pretty basic but fun date and then back to my apartment, where she did want to be spanked and paddled but had some blockage that made her not want to have sex. Pretty strange-seeming to get super-aroused and then not want the rest of the experience, but people have their preferences. Maybe she was afraid of falling in love. At some point in the evening’s festivities I was like, “I need to come,” so we went into the bathroom and I guided her hand to play with and touch my… I’m looking for a non-gross, non-medical term here, but I can’t find one… testicles? Ball sack? Whatever term one prefers, I directed it to her while I stroked myself. She was curiously eager to offer manual stimulation, though, and did so with great gusto. The best handjob is performed with the mouth, yet she didn’t want to go there either. She said she’d not “planned” to have sex that evening, and in girl-land that could mean any number of things. When I finished, more strongly than I would’ve expected from a high-school HJ, I did some combination of going down on her and fingering her (another term I dislike), and that evolved into me with two fingers stimulating her g-spot. I didn’t think she’d come yet, so I basically kept going for I don’t know how long, but until my cramped hand and exhausted body gave out. She never indicated discomfort and seemed to enjoy throughout, and when I gave up, as I thought of it, the girl said that she’d been continuously coming while I massaged her with my fingers. Continuously? Yes, she said. For like 20 minutes? Yes, she repeated. I’ve not seen anything quite like that, I said. She’s never experienced anything quite like that, either. Was it me, or her being restrained at first, or some other thing? Even now, I don’t know. This is not meant to be some kind of humble-brag thing: I don’t consider myself exceptional in bed, though I do like to think I try to be attentive and to learn what my partner(s) likes. Try something, see how she responds, try something else, don’t be in a hurry (be about the journey more than the destination), etc. It was apparently an ecstatic experience for her, and while I was in the midst of it I didn’t fully know what was happening.

I bring up this story because Lea and Sasha may have had something analogous happening between them. Women and their pleasure come in many forms, many of them more complex-seeming than men’s pleasure. The night of the first party, Sasha and Lea found each other, were attracted to each other, both sought another woman, and they seemed to achieve incredible fulfillment.

A few days later, Sasha and Lea went on a date that went really well—from 9pm to 5am, apparently. I like sleeping too much to last till 5am. One note of foreshadowing: during that date, Sasha said that she experiences intense jealousy. On their second date, Lea and Sasha got yet another hotel room, met, did their thing, and eventually had a threesome with Brent as well: this must have made Brent’s day, week, month, year, maybe life; single or just sexually wild women are called “unicorns” because they are not so common and many couples seek them out.

Typically, couples switch partners with one another; there is a kind of equality to that equation. Equality keeps the partner arrangements in a kind of equilibrium. Sasha and Brent, however, have rules stating that Sasha isn’t allowed to have sex with other men, which is likely to dampen their non-monogamy experience. People have all kinds of rules for all kinds of reasons, and it’s rarely useful to attempt to logick those rules out. Accept them, move on. I’m not a huge fan of overly restrictive rules because they tend to lead to problems—I’m a bigger fan of the principle that a person (of either sex) should try to see to it that their partner is fulfilled, whatever that may mean, and vice-versa. That works better, to my mind, than the you-get-one, I-get-one system. If both persons in an arrangement attempt to hew to this basic idea of mutual fulfillment, I think things will work out over time. If they don’t take mutual fulfillment seriously, then rules will probably not protect them.

Finding a girl like Lea open to that threesome arrangement is unusual. So unusual that I wonder if Sasha in particular imprinted on Lea to an overly-great extent. Lea is not seeking an exclusive arrangement with another woman or couple. Lea also seems to be very good at handling other girls, and not all girls have the combination of sex appeal, gusto, and technical skills to be with another girl. Today, watching Lea spank and paddle another girl is cute, because Lea is obviously not anywhere near as big or strong as a guy and her experiences have tended to be with young, extremely inexperienced girls, so her spanking and paddling read to me as probably not at the intensity level a typical sex-party-goer seeks. Lea will learn. She’ll learn the gap between the inexperienced girl she’s using to spanking and the full-fledged hedonist likely to be found at parties.

Lea’s looks and voracious sexuality are appealing, and so appealing that Sasha may have wanted something Lea didn’t, and doesn’t, want to deliver.

So. Countdown. We run into Sasha and Brent as we’re walking in. All seems well to me. Sasha’s in an almost ballerina skirt and is chic. We get in, and I make for the bar, while Lea goes off with Sasha and Brent to a couch. I meet first one couple, then another, and we’re talking about the nature of reformed (read: unemployed) actors, entrepreneurship, and sex parties. I wave Lea over. She comes over and naturally invites Sasha and Brent, but they don’t come. Odd. Lea and I flirt for a while. We get drinks. I know a couple people there, but we’re furiously flirting with two or three other couples, so my friends are off doing their own thing. I put a collar round Lea’s neck.

I like the energy from Abby and Steve the reformed actors, and I’m also admittedly curious about what Abby looks like without her tight black bra: she’s spilled out of it and I work hard to look at her face, not her chest. Not always easy when most girls are parading in their lingerie finery while I work to maintain a polite gaze. I am more than my appetites! Okay, that’s probably not true, but we have to pretend it’s true. I also like Lexi and Zach, who are not reformed actors but they both seem very new (I later learn Lexi has been to a couple of parties, but I didn’t realize that in the moment).

The night goes on and it’s time to break out the paddle. I don’t perfectly recall what happens next, but I think I begin by gently spanking Lea. Bondage and domination are arts in themselves, demanding a powerful dyad between dom and sub, with both parts attentive to the other. Novices often think it’s all about strength and pain; those are important, yes, but attention may be the most valuable part of the dynamic. As I’m doing it, out new friends are nearby. I invite Lexi or Abby to join. Both of them are novices at smacking other girls, and it’s cute watching their flailing spanks and gentle taps with the paddle. I offer a bit of guidance from the sidelines. At times I’m kissing Lea and caressing her neck while the girls hit her; at other times, I’m hitting her while the girls are kissing and playing with her.

As we’re putting on a show, people elsewhere are starting to have sex. There’s a massive group on the front stage. We’re off to the side, on what might be repurposed massage tables. Lea and I start having sex. Steve is there, so Lea starts going down on him, but he’s not getting hard. Perhaps he’s nervous, or avoided performance enhancing drugs (it may also be good for him to avoid sugar). Regardless, Lea and I have intense and beautiful sex. Eventually we finish and I keep working on Lea, with my tongue and fingers, until she comes a couple more times. Next to us, Abby, Lexi, and Zach have their own threesome.

Lea, Steve, and I finish. We take a breather. Lea notices that Sasha and Brent have already departed. She leaves the party briefly to send Sasha a text. Later, she fills me in: about Sasha’s numerous affairs, about the jealousy both Sasha and Brent feel, about their various rules. I tell her that I’m not sure the thing between her and Sasha will endure, because they have so many rules and jealousies. Lea has many positive features, but Sasha may be deeply and powerfully into Lea because Lea is a pretty girl willing to accept, mostly, the rules Sasha and Brent have. That’s hard to do. And even if Sasha does find that girl, she then tries to monopolize the girl, driving her away. In this world, people with a lot of rules and jealousies tend to be out-competed by those who don’t. Sasha left because she didn’t want to watch Lea fucking and being fucked. Not a good look—for Sasha.

I get a drink or something. We all hang out a while. Party energy ebbs and flows. At some point Abby and Lexi are done with their threesome, and somehow, at some point, Lea and I are with Abby, spanking her. Spanking leads to me going down on her and then fucking her. I hadn’t thought I would be able to have sex again so quickly, but the stimulation of this buxom, nude woman is enough for me to slip the condom on and go. She’s lying on the table, I’m directing one of her hands to her clit, and soon we’re lost in the sex. I think Lea is working Abby’s lips and neck. When I finish, Lea and Abby have sex.

We all take a break. Another couple finds Lea and me, and the guy and Lea hit it off, and they leave to go have sex. The girl in the couple is too tired or too whatever to join. The guy seems ecstatic at snagging Lea.

I hang out for a while. At some point Abby and I are together again, and we’re both facing the main portion of the room, while I’m playing with her nipples and she’s rubbing her ass against me. I begin to wonder if round three is there. Regardless of whether it is, I flip her round, put her on the table, and start going down on her. That leads to her coming, then round three of sex, then utter exhaustion. At some point Lea and that guy finished.

Not long after, we left. Everything that could have been accomplished, had been accomplished. We collected some contact details from the expected subjects and made tentative plans to have sex outdoors on Saturday. We get some late-night food. Correction: I get late-night food and Lea does not need or want it. We talk about how she feels, and the answer is “Fantastic.” Lea is unusual because she has been sex-positive for a long time, and very few of the people around her truly are. Some pretend to be sex-positive, but that only lasts until the moment they feel jealousy, or status rivalry, or the need to tear down others around them. She really is. She is finding her way to others like her. It is possible to be a single, lone person who stands up for what is right and hot, but it is hard. Now she has a group of others to reinforce her most deviant and hedonistic desires.

She is also unusual because she is both fiercely sex-positive and fiercely intellectual. Many people feel sexual desire, of course, but most hate on the sexual desires of others. Some people read books and think about ideas, but many of them are not powerfully driven by sex. Lea is both and for that reason she has spent most of her life as an outsider. Now she is finding her people and finding her will to communicate her way of being to others. One of her favorite books, ever, is The Sexual Life of Catherine M., by Catherine Millet, because it’s the story of a female intellectual who also loves and lives the body’s pleasures. It is one of the most important and underrated books ever written.

Now Lea has been to two parties, plus some meetups with Sasha, plus a threesome with Sasha and Brent, plus a foursome with my lover and my lover’s boyfriend. If anything, Lea is still accelerating. I think she’s found the activities and preferences that match her own psychology; she’s been searching for this fit her entire life and finding them is beautiful.

Thank you to Julian Carax for writing this.