We’re so thirsty, fellas. Me included. I’ve done some shit to increase my chances with a girl that I haven’t even told my best friends about. But fuck it, one time in high school I drove 45 minutes on a Tuesday night at midnight-ish because Erika, who I made out with at a school dance, tantalized me with a threesome with her friend, Kim. Granted, Kim was built like an SEC linebacker but a threesome is a threesome, just like pizza is pizza.

I showed up to her house, took two shots of the vodka I stole from my parents, and strutted up to the front door. I rang the doorbell because I was under the impression her parents were away, but no one came to retrieve me. I called her one, twice, thirteen times. I got in my car after about 30 minutes, realizing I had lost. I still had a boner that could drive the car home. As I pulled into the driveway, I received a text from Erika that said “LOL.” I punched my steering wheel so hard, I had to masterbate with my left hand that night. I never spoke with Erika again.

Women are magicians. And men are blindly and hopelessly under their spells. That’s why I wasn’t surprised to hear a girl on Tinder who has propositioned multiple men to send her large pizza pies and fleets of sushi in an attempt to give themselves a competitive advantage.

They’re just toying with us at this point. PLEASE, BROS, RESIST THE URGE!

fuck.

Wings, too BRO! Did you deliver your dignity as well?

The greed is endless. BRO TIP: Never buy a girl sushi who literally can’t spell the word ‘literally.’ She too young for you, bro.

Aaaaaaaand another.

Meanwhile, I can’t even get girls to respond to my Tinder messages.

[H/T LADBible]