A well-endowed adult film actor best known for having sex with women in the back of moving vehicles, was arrested and charged with 22 counts of animal cruelty this week. I say it’s about time, he’d been beating up the pussy for years! (*tap dances off stage, slips in puddle of semen*)

Police were called to the scene at 37th Avenue and 7th in Miami Monday, after witnesses said they heard the sound of a child crying coming from inside a van parked there (the sound you expect to hear coming from a parked van, basically). Instead, inside the van, which belonged to Raul Armenteros, 46, aka Ramon from BangBus, who has a dong the size of my forearm not that I would know, police say they found “8 roosters, 4 guinea hens, 4 pigeons, 4 goats and 1 duck.” Which can mean only one thing: somewhere in Miami, there’s a man with two turtle doves in his ass.

Police found four goats “tied up inside plastic bags” with one of the goats dead. About 45 minutes later, Armenteros and James Arroyo, 44, arrived on the scene and both said they owned the animals.

Police charged Armenteros and Arroyo with 22 counts of animal cruelty. The two men [are being] held in Miami-Dade County Jail on $110,000 bond each.

Animal control responded and recovered the animals. [CBSMiami]

“But I’m not a baaaad man,” the goat killer assured the police. (I’m sorry for that). Anyway, I say we let these guys go if they just tell us what they were planning to do with all those animals, and provide the phone number of the open-minded lady they were planning to do it with. Then we cook up the goat and have a party. I mean, I get the feeling Ramon’s no stranger to a spit roast, ifyaknowwhatamsayinandIthinkyado. (*cough*) TALK ABOUT A HEAVY PETTING ZOO! (*cough, cough*) Fine, fine, I was already leaving.

I sure hope this porn star GETS OFF! (*caught in butterfly net*) (*dragged away kicking and shouting by men in black suits*) It’s always nice to see someone BLEATING THE SYSTEM! (*gag stuffed in mouth*) mmmmff! mmmmfff! mrrrphhh! (*thrown in back of van, van speeds away*)