178 Days…

178 days. That’s how long I’ve been without a prosthesis. I’ve never went this long without a prosthesis to wear. I wish I could go into further detail but right now I’m not able. I will speak on this as soon as I can.

Since I can’t go into detail there, I can let you know that I plan on writing more. I hope to finish a book about my change from bipod to unipod. I’ve had a car stolen, a check book stolen, money taken from my account, and now I’m missing a leg. Well, I should say I’m missing a prosthesis.

I promised when I started writing 6 years ago that I would be honest and open about my situation as an amputee. So in the vein of honesty I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been since before my amputation. I have never been this long without an artificial limb. I am angry, angry at God, angry at my situation, angry at feeling disabled. I can no longer go to stores without being stared at and talked about. That’s right, I hear your whispers behind my back. I see you pointing me out and staring at the lost limb.

Worse than that, I am unable to enjoy going places with my family. I have to use the motorized carts at large stores; yet they are most often gone. Several times my wife and I have went out to do our grocery shopping or just getting out of the house and I have been confined to the car due to the lack of accessibility. It’s pushing me to the point of agoraphobia. I loathe leaving the house. Thanks to losing my left leg and not my right I am able to leave the house. I have crutches to remain mobile (somewhat). I can get from A to B without difficulty, but thanks to the lack of accessibility I can no longer enjoy the time out with my family. I know this sounds ridiculous and petty but it is a big deal. I can’t push a shopping cart that makes it impossible to shop alone. Then if I try to shop I get laughed at and have to deal with the pointing and whispers. Oh how I hate the whispers. If you want to know how I lost my leg then ask me, be polite, and I will gladly let you know how this happened. How I ended up in this dreadful position, I will educate you on the terrible system for getting an appropriate prosthesis. Just stop whispering behind my back. I know many of you will think I’m being paranoid but I invite you to come with me, walk far behind me and watch how people react.

I will end this entry on a positive note. I don’t really regret becoming an amputee. I was blessed to be able to make that decision. Despite these past 178 days, I have had the opportunity to make changes in peoples lives. I have been able to help other amputees get the prosthesis they deserve, I have had the opportunity to be one of a handful of paramedics in the US that is an above knee amputee, I have spoke at Stanford University as an ePatient and mentor, I have represented the working Chronic Pain patient at The Health and Human Services in DC. I would make the decision to amputee again in a heart beat. This is a hill I have to climb. I will be back on 2 legs soon and be a better ‘me’ because of it.

I’m happy to be back talking to you guys, I’ve missed being able to write; feel free to comment and I’ll do my best to get back to you.

PM