Zuckerberg Promises New Dating Service Will Reflect Same Commitment To Your Privacy That Facebook Does

SAN JOSE, CA—At Facebook’s F8 developer conference Wednesday, CEO Mark Zuckerberg promised that the company’s newly announced dating service would reflect the same commitment to user privacy that Facebook has become known for.

“We’ve shown time and again we can be trusted with your private data, and we’re going to carry that same world-renowned respect for your privacy over to our new dating service,” Zuckberberg said in his speech to the tech developer conference. “You can rest easy. We definitely won’t use the mountain of sweet, sweet data you give us to ascertain your most intimate desires, hopes, and dreams, and we most certainly will not attempt to monetize that data in any way.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha,” he added in an apparently scripted laugh.

Zuckerberg reminded the audience of Facebook’s reputation as the world’s most transparent, trustworthy company, assuring everyone that those same values would translate into a dating service you can be “absolutely sure” won’t use your sensitive information in any nefarious way.

“This isn’t some Skynet dating service, people. It’s just friendly old Facebook,” Zuckerberg said, mechanically peeling his lips back to reveal what was ostensibly supposed to be a smile. “You can trust us.”

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee