To my porn-loving fellow Americans,

It’s me, Donald Trump! You may remember me from my fabulous brand of menswear, my winning role in Wrestlemanias 4, 5, and 23, or, oh yeah, the fact that I’ll be your President in a few months! I know, I was surprised too.

The surprised face just before saying, "Oh... fuck..."

Anyway, I have some bad news. As you all may be aware, I said some pretty crazy things to get elected. I promised Hillary would be in jail, that I’d build that wall… I even promised Newt Gingrich a Cabinet position! At least, I thought it was Newt at the time… Well, one of my promises was to crackdown on pornography in this country. I know, it’s so 80s… but these are the things you have to do to get Middle America off their sisters and into the voting booth.

Now, as a red-blooded (and blue-blooded) American man, I love pornography. I've always been a friend to the porn industry. I love big fake tits, haven’t you seen any of my wives? Nobody really wants to see porn go… they just want it to look like they’re concerned so folks will think you’re a decent person. Just like my campaign! So, I don’t want to get rid of porn entirely, but I need to give pearl-clutchers something so they’ll get off my back. It’s calling “making deals,” and I’m the best there’s ever been at that.

With that in mind, I have developed my new list of prohibited pornography for the Trump Administration. I hope, just like my presidency, you’ll do your best to just play along so we can all get through these next four years so we can get back on the golf course.

Look, we all like lesbians. They are a noble people. But we have plenty of lesbians here who are out of work, and their jobs are being taken by people like this! Honest, hardworking American lesbians are being pushed out of the softball leagues and gym coach positions and… okay pretty much just those two fields. But they’re not sending their best over the border! Look at Veronica Rodriguez and Gina Valentina; they got little titties! That ain’t their best! Meanwhile, all their best, bustiest women are staying home and showing their stuff off on Latin American children's programs. In Trump’s America, we’ll only allow legal immigrants that are D cups and larger!

The makers of this film are unpatriotic TREASONOUS monsters. I have no problem with wife swapping as a general concept. I’m sure it’s a fun way for men with ugly wives to forget their mistakes. But have you seen your new first lady, Melania? How could I possibly swap her, she’s the sexiest woman in Washington! I could only lose on that deal, which is NOT HOW I DO DEALS! (Be sure to check your mail for your new government-printed copy of Art of the Deal, the best book since the Bible, on my inauguration day.) “Hey buddy, I have this great Trump brand filet mignon steak! Why don’t you eat it for a bit, and in the meantime you can loan me your old and fat pastrami sandwich to nibble on.” No thank you.

Looks pretty big to me... Like a gorilla.

The actor known as Small Hands will no longer be allowed to film pornography within the United States, until he changes his name. There’s nothing funny about smaller-than-average hands… in fact, his look huge! I met him once when his band was playing the lavish Trump Taj Mahal, our hands were the same size! And if you’ve read any of my books, you know I’ve won the Biggest Hands national contest every year since 1983. Andre the Giant himself complimented me on their size. So, sorry Small Hands, you need a new name. If you want an accurate nickname, why don’t you go by Crappy Tattoos?

You think I’d be up for this film, since it's all lesbian scenes, and I fully support any grabbing of the pussy. But have you seen these girls? They have BODY HAIR and JIGGLY STOMACHS and SMALL TITS. YUCK, am I right? You want a real woman, you need one like my daughter, Ivanka. Now THAT’S what a hot piece of ass looks like! If my daughter were in porn, I'd change the American flag once a month to whatever her latest film is. I have appointed my daughter Ivanka to a new fact-finding commission to determine the quickest way to get these women implants, razors, and make-up as soon as possible. With lesbians like these, it’s no WONDER the little-tittied border jumpers are taking their jobs!

The media did everything it could to stop me… by putting me on their channels non-stop for a year and a half to the detriment of other candidates. Well, payback’s a bitch! You don't try to destroy Donald J. Trump and get away with it! This film is banned along with my overall ban on all news media. This includes but is not limited to: this film, Kent Brockman, the Anchorman films, that dink from season 5 of The Wire, and the photography muckraker from the Daily Bugle, Peter Parker. Of course, we hope his good friend Spiderman will continue to fight evil on our behalf, as the police will be busy collecting banned pornography door-to-door. Small government in action!

I fully respect and appreciate that Asia has many developing markets, but they shouldn't be getting those jobs at the expense of hardworking Americans! Every girl in this film used to be a blue collar Detroit teen, with blonde hair and Ted Nugent t-shirts. Then the Clintons, Slick Bill and Crooked Hillary, signed the NAFTA agreement and sent them overseas! The Motor City porn industry has not recovered to this day. As President, I'll see to it that good old American pornography STAYS IN AMERICA. And all foreign-made smut will be tariffed with a stiff import tax that will be one of the key legacies of my presidency. When people think Trump, they will think of THE JERKOFF TAX.

That's it for now. I'm hoping I don't have to change anything else. That Bannon creep is in my ear about banning interracial porn as well, but I still haven't ruled out getting exotic on wife #4. So for the present, that'll be safe. This has been your President, Donald J. Trump. God bless our troops, God bless the United States of America, and God bless our freedom of porn and the freeing restrictions I have imposed.

Donald J. Trump

(Dictated, not read)

Vickie Vaselino may have to go away for awhile. Just know that she loves you very much, and hopes to make you laugh and cry and prematurely ejaculate again in the near future. Follow her on Twitter!