SYRACUSE, NY — The Syracuse University athletic department sent notice to the NCAA today admitting that they are “beating everyone” and “really humiliating them.” The admission comes in the wake of head coach Jim Boeheim’s suspension early this season and just one year after the program had a self-imposed postseason ban.

At the end of the 38-page report, which includes very detailed information about how Syracuse has gone on a run to the Final Four, including a vivid account of “ripping out the heart of Virginia and holding it in their face as they died” in the Elite Eight, Boeheim himself writes: “I don’t know if any of this is an NCAA violation, per se, I just assume that something that feels this good has to be illegal.”

The document closes with a full-page, color photo of the head coach giving the camera the finger.

Syracuse did not announce any self-imposed punishment for the “repeated ass kickings and making everyone look stupid,” but stressed that the program believes the NCAA Tournament run will be “great for the players’ education, as we are awarding them all PhDs in Bracketology and General Awesomeness Studies. Suck it. Try to stop us.”

North Carolina head coach Roy Williams also announced today that his program will raise a banner at the Dean Smith Center honoring the Tar Heels’ tutors.

“We couldn’t make the Final Four without them,” said Williams. “Hell, we couldn’t even stay eligible.”