I’m a big honking fucking slut for Mass Effect, its entire franchise, and whatever sort of refuse BioWare will peddle out with its name stamped on it. Admittedly. Since Mass Effect 2 came out, I’ve bought all the DLC, happily wasting my hard earned Imperial credits on throwaway content that should have been a quest on the disc. A quest on the disc that I would have pounded through and sort of bemoaned it. Then Lair of the Shadow Broker dropped, and I was all, “Oh shit! A legit dope quest!” A quest so good that I deemed it better than a good 75% of the material that launched with the title. It set the bar. It set the bar high.

So pretty much, ‘Arrival’ was fucked from the get go. High standards, falling interest!

Can something be not worth your money, and still fun? If that shit is possible, and people are still in my Cosmic Lab trying to figure this shit out, then that’s where I’d place ‘Arrival.’ Despite being bored as fuck with the mechanics of Mass Effect 2 after beating the game repeatedly and jacking off to Yeoman Chambers until my cock was Blue in the Head, I welcomed the chance to delve back into an old favorite one more time. You know the fucking premise, Shepard is on a totally leet mission tracking down some science broad who knows about the forthcoming Reapers arrival.

This, by the way, would have been an excellent DLC to drop BEFORE THEY FUCKING UNVEILED MASS EFFECT 3, and the Reaper invasion of Earth. Don’t you think? Like, we find out they’re coming in the DLC and I’m like. Yeah, no shit. I knew this back in December. Anyways, that’s the premise, and you use some infiltration ninja skills to crack the lady out of the base and then go fucking figure, like the Reapers have been repeatedly doing for two games, she’s brainwashed and wants to lick their inorganic essence.

You run around and shoot shit and then it’s over. The big reveal, that the Reapers are coming to Earth, is a big No Shit to anyone who likes Mass Effect. The gameplay is derivative, and doesn’t really add or modify the existing game at all like Shadow Broker did. For seven bucks, it fucks your wallet and leaves you unfulfilled.

That’s the long and the short of it.

Mass Effect 2 ‘Arrival’ is seven bucks to play the same old gameplay, that leads up to a reveal you already knew. Either you’re a fanboy like me and that’s fine because you’re unprincipled and the complete opposite of frugal, or you’ll stay strong and not waste your money. Go watch the Mass Effect 3 trailer again, save your money, and high-five me for saving you some cash.