Site Manager's Note: VEB is a St. Louis Cardinals community. Member can share their thoughts in Fanposts. That's where I got my start writing for the site. As a result, I attempt to promote Fanposts to the front page when I feel they're particularly well-written, interesting, or thought-provoking (even if I don't necessarily agree). This is one such post.

I was recently made aware of a recent "Report Card" of the St. Louis Cardinals players written by Jeff Gordon. Although I was warned about some of the grades, as of this writing I have not read it yet. I decided to do a Fire Joe Morgan style post on his report card - having never read it, but feeling confident in the material it should give me. This experience will not be pleasant, but I need this release after hearing about two specific grades.

Ok, first things first. Grading players on a report card is dumb for baseball. So do you give an A to a league average player who has reached his potential? Do you give a D to a superstar who has an off year? Do you penalize athletes for injuries? Or lack of playing time? Are you saying, given the grade, they didn't try as hard as they could have? Hopefully, these questions will be answered by Jeff Gordon (don't laugh).

Here we go.. and god it's a slideshow. Wow this is going to be a Bleacher Report article in every way then. Ok.

Jon Jay - A

He regained his .300 hitting stroke and reestablished his defensive steadiness this season, displacing Peter Bourjos as the semi-regular center fielder. He reached base 37.2% of the time, a career high. And after hitting .182, .189, and .192 in his previous three postseasons he went 14 for 29 (.483) this time with a .571 OBP

Well, we're starting off with an A for Jon Jay. I'm even more confused by the grading system than before. Theoretically, this is now a "Reach Your Potential" results-based grading system. Hey at least he mentions OBP in this, although it's pretty telling that he feels the need to mention his average first. As far as the postseason line, it's almost like it's a small sample when players can do that. It is so dumb that Jay would have gotten like a B- or something if he hit .190 in the postseason again.

Matt Holliday - B+

He heated up in August, producing seven doubles, six homers, and 23 RBIs as the Cardinals began climbing toward another division title. Although his overall batting average slipped from .300 in 2013 to .272,

Who cares?

he posted similar power numbers - 37 doubles, 20 homers, 97 RBIs.

Isolated Power (SLUG% - AVG.) in 2013: .190; ISO in 2014: .169 - That's not really similar power there Jeff. Also RBIs don't really tell you how much power a player has, or really anything about how good a player is.

He hit .361 with RISP and .295 with RISP with 2 outs. He grounded into 11 fewer double plays.

Wow. There is absolutely nothing in the previous sentence which should be used to grade a player's season.

He hit one big NLDS homer, but he didn't drive in a run in the NLCS.

Oh my god, is he really going to mention the playoffs for every player? The dumb thing is that he could have mentioned how he batted .243/.263/.351 for a 72 wRC+, but no he has to pick two completely useless stats. He could have easily had a great postseason from what you just wrote.

Oscar Taveras - C+

Can't be a good thing that I'm shocked his grade is this high. Not that I'm complaining.

He made a sluggish comeback from ankle surgery, apparently due to insufficient personal training.

....................

But his hitting improved as his rookie season progressed, from .176 in June to .222 in July, .244 in August, .295 in September and 3 for 7 as a playoff pinch-hitter. He was also the team's best pinch-hitter (6 for 17, 5 RBIs) in the regular season.

AVERAGE AVERAGE AVERAGE

His defensive urgency improved as the season progressed, but he still has worked to do in the field.

I'm not really sure what's his basis for saying his defensive urgency improved. I'm also not sure what defensive urgency is even supposed to mean. He does have work to do in the field though.

Randal Grichuk - C-

Wow. I guess the Grichuk love is exclusively limited to Mike because I think Jeff represents the average beefib pretty well. I'm not going to transcribe every player - because these stupid slideshows don't allow copy/paste - so to summarize his position: needs work on offense, he's terrific on defense. Now, I'm just about alone on this, but I don't understand all the love for his defense personally. Nothing too egregious here except he mentions only average again for offense.

Peter Bourjos - D

*stares at screen*

*rubs eyes*

*does not compute*

Wait I'm not a robot what's going on?

*does not compute*

Oh God this isn't good.

*does not compute*

Someone help me.

*contemplates life*

*looks back at screen*

*rips out eyeballs*

DSEKBDFESDSUSOSUHFHSHS

*puts eyeballs back in*

Ok so Jeff Gordon gave Peter Bourjos a D. That is a thing that happened. He grades worse than Grichuk and Taveras, two players he performed better than pretty easily. Sweet merciful Zeus, Bourjos is more underrated than Lance Lynn was last year. Ok, Jeff what could possibly be your reasoning for this grade?

The Cardinals acquired him to become the regular center fielder. He was as good as advertised defensively, covering tremendous acreage,

Ok so we agree on his defense. Alright well, now a D makes even less sense than before. Because you have to be one of the worst hitters in the league with his defense to warrant a D. Bourjos was far from one of the worst hitters in the league.

but he hit .170, .238, and .204 during the first three months of the season to lose playing time to Jon Jay.

I love using average to evaluate players. Wait no I don't.

Overall, he hit .231 with nine stolen bases - a far cry from the 40 stolen bases he hoped to swipe. He moved toward the end of the bench in the playoffs and only made cameo appearances.

Who gives a flying fuck about stolen bases? Also, you know if he played a full season, he'd swipe about 20 bases. Sure, I guess that's not 40. But really that's like penalizing Jose Bautista because he wanted to hit 70 homers. But how can you criticize a player for not reaching a counting stat when he has less than 300 PAs (especially when said player never got injured)? Also, it was totally his fault his manager never played him even though he hit really well in the second half, which you of course fail to mention.

Matt Carpenter - A

Oh good we agree. Moving on.

Kolten Wong - B+

I'm going to skip a few sentences and highlight one interesting statement.

Wong added speed (20 stolen bases) and power for a lineup starved for both.

You know who could have provided that lineup with speed and surprising power for a "lineup starved for both?" Peter Bourjos. Fun fact: Bourjos had a significantly higher ISO (.117) than either Jay or Taveras.

Matt Adams - C

What? Kolten Wong WAR: 2.0; Adams WAR: 1.9; Granted, Wong did it in 100 less PAs, but still this is a weird grade.

He struggled with nagging injuries and battled extreme defensive shifts in his second season.

He played in 142 games. His performance did seem momentarily affected by injuries, but overall I'd hardly focus on his injuries for the 2014 season. Also, he had a 115 wRC+. He did fine with the extreme shifts.

He hit just .190 against lefties. He faded late in the season overall, batting just .238 in August and .240 in September. For the year he hit just .212 with RISP and .173 with RISP and 2 outs.

First part: relevant, although SSS. How are you penalizing Adams for his late season struggles, and yet you don't give credit to Bourjos. You sure seem to value the latter half of the season more than the first half, even though every game counts the same. Also: AVERAGE AVERAGE AVERAGE

His slugging percentage slipped from .503 to .457 this season and his OPS fell from .838 to .778.

Wait, these are actually relevant and good points.

He hit three timely postseason homers, but he also suffered critical defensive lapses in Game 4 of the NLCS

Well that didn't take long. Sure love grading players based purely off one bad game. That's fun.

Jhonny Peralta - C

What the fuck? No seriously, what the actual fuck? Wait, and I swear I haven't read his reasoning yet, let me guess: RISP and playoffs.

He played reliably at SS and posted solid overall numbers (.262, 38 doubles, 21 homers, 75 RBIs) after signing his $52 million free agent deal.

"Solid" overall numbers. Ok we can call a 120 wRC+ solid. I'll use your own words against you here by saying he provided some of the only power on the team for a while. Also, not one of those stats used to support his "solid" year are particularly useful. You're also underselling just how good on defense he is.

But he hit just .239 with RISP and just .224 with RISP and 2 outs

Oh for fuck's sake this again - Is this like 50% of your grading criteria? Yes, he was good offensively, and yes he was good defensively but that motherfucker sure couldn't hit with runners on scoring position even though he's not that far off the league average RISP. I don't agree, but at least it makes some sort of sense in bizzaro world if you penalize a .330 hitter for sucking with RISP, but .262 and .239 are not very far off. I don't get it.

Then he struggled in the playoffs, going 5 for 31 (.161) with one RBI and several rallies killed. The Cardinals need more from him.

You know the fucked up thing? If Peralta had the good sense to be his usual 3 WAR self, the Cardinals don't make the playoffs and Peralta probably gets a B or something. This is why grading based off a small sample in the postseason is dumb. Also, no the Cardinals do not need more from him. Because nobody in this planet expected him to be a 5.4 WAR player.

Daniel Descalso - C

DANIEL DESCALSO GOT THE SAME GRADE AS JHONNY PERALTA. And a better grade than Peter Bourjos. Because.... well let's let Jeff explain

He didn't play or hit much until August, when he batted .359 with 4 doubles and five RBIs in 39 ABs. His OBP for the last two months soared to .457 and .432.

So you clearly value the last two months significantly more than the first four months. Except for Bourjos. Because he should have stolen 40 bases or something. Also notice the verbiage when he's talking about certain players. Descalso's OBP SOARED, while Peralta KILLED rallies. Hope you mention his shitty defense at some point.

He helped fix the bench problem down the stretch as the Cardinals overtook Milwaukee.

YOU HEAR THAT FUCKWADS? DESCALSO'S STRENGTHING OF THE BENCH >>> CARDINALS OVERTAKING MILWAUKEE. You know who else helped fix the bench problem? PETER BOURJOS

But his pinch-hitting remained a weak point and he offered no help in the playoffs.

Hold up. So the justification for a C is completely based of 39 at-bats then. You don't even bother to mention his (lack of) versatility or (shitty) defense. I mean I know you believe both of those things to be true so I'm confused.

Mark Ellis - F

I don't even care enough to read this one.

Yadier Molina - B

Wait I thought Yadi could do no wrong. He actually mentions WAR here. So he is aware it exists and is willing to use it as evidence for his grades. Interesting.

AJ Pierzysnki - C+

Still don't care

Tony Cruz - C-

A better grade than Bourjos. Only possible explanation for Bourjos' grade:

"Hey Pete, how do you expect the season to go this year?"

"Fuck off"

(Later in year)

"Hey Pete, how's the season going?"

"For the 1,000th time, fuck off."

"What's your problem with me Pete?"

"That you won't fuck off"

He is a handy backup catcher who works hard with the pitching staff on game preparation.

Cause that's what's important guys. He works hard. The other players on the team though? Lazy sons of bitches. Specifically Bourjos.

But Molina's injuries exposed Cruz' limitations,

Such as being a bad baseball player?

specifically at the plate. He hit just .189 in July and .132 in August. He delivered some key hits, however, including the potential game-winning homer in NLCS Game 5

You know when he got the most playing time, he really sucked man. But at least he had that one big hit! Raise a letter grade!

Adam Wainwright - A

Seems kind of hypocritical to blame Adams for nagging injuries and not Wainwright. Jeff, you're like a major league umpire: I don't expect much, but please stay consistent.

Lance Lynn: A

*starts dancing*

Michael Wacha - B

No complaints here. He mentions his outstanding start and then that Matheny let him burn in the playoffs.

John Lackey - B-

Mostly talks about his playoff starts, because of course he does.

Shelby Miller - C+

This seems.... generous. Until I remember he had a good ERA. His two postseason starts cancelled each other out in terms of adding or subtracting from the grade so this is basically his regular season grade. If anybody deserves a D, it's probably Miller, who had significantly declined in advanced stats from 2013 to 2014.

Justin Masterson - D-

The only thing surprising thing about this grade is that it isn't an F. And seriously, you gave Bourjos the same letter grade as Masterson. Just everybody let that sink in.

Jaime Garcia - Incomplete

Surprised you didn't give him an F for being a fragile baby.

Pat Neshek - A

I'm shocked that he didn't lower the grade because of his postseason.

Seth Maness - A-

WHY ISN'T THIS A CLEAN A? HUH?

Sam Freeman - B+

Another seemingly generous grade in my opinion. But his ERA was good and there's no point in arguing this.

Marco Gonzales - B+

Will I have a serious problem with any of the remaining players because I'm just finding it hard to care about any of these pitcher grades?

Trevor Rosenthal - B

Fair. The best thing he's written in this entire post though is in this section

Maybe he shouldn't pitch so much.

Seriously, Mike, even Jeff gets this. How do you not?

Carlos Martinez - C

Um, what? There is no way in hell Martinez deserves a grade lower than Shelby. Martinez was worth 1.2 WAR with a 3.54 xFIP and he actually pitched pretty decently in 7 starts (3.71 xFIP)

"Baby Pedro" wants to become a starter, but he was just so-so in seven fill-in starts: 3-1, 4.45 ERA, 16 walks in 32 1/3 IP.

Want to make a point? Mention a player's walks and ignore their strikeouts. Sure, 16 walks in 32 IP isn't really good at all, but coupled with 34 Ks, it's not near as bad. Doesn't 16 walks in 32 IP sound way worse than 34:16 K/BB in 32 IP? Also, if you're nicknaming him "Baby Pedro" - and you're not the only culprit - you're only setting yourself up to being disappointed by him.

Circumstances forced him back into the bullpen for the stretch run and the playoffs. He managed to survive in the NLCS despite allowing six of the 13 batters he faced to reach base. A little polish would go a long way with him.

It's weird that he's completely ignoring his pretty good numbers as a reliever. While he was so-so as a starter, you'd think so-so starting numbers coupled with good relief numbers would be better than a C, no?

Randy Choate - C

He will be remembered for his failure in the NLCS, where he walked as many batters (three) as he retired and made a memorable throwing error. People will forget he held left-handed hitters to a .093 average during the regular season and finished well - allowing no runs in the nine outings during the final month. He was mostly fine in this role.

This paragraph is full of contradictions. First off, his job is as LOOGY so holding lefties to a .093 average is quite a bit better than "mostly fine." And despite saying people will forget his regular season, you seem to be doing just that with his grade. Here's another stupid mention about how he finished the season of course as if every game doesn't count the same.

Jason Motte - D

Nothing to say except for this is the exact same grade as Bourjos.

Mike Matheny - C

He believes in certain players and premises and acts accordingly.

Well, this would be more comforting if he believed in good players and good premises. In theory, this statement is a good thing. In theory communism works.

He does not seek input from Twitter or Cards Talk, nor does he make moves for PR purposes.

Nor should he. Also applies to: every manager currently employed.

He seems aware of public criticism - like Friday when everybody was savaging him for failed strategies and debatable player deployment - but he doesn't get skittish.

Skittish: "playfully frivolous or unpredictable" - I would disagree that he doesn't get skittish personally.

He does it his way like his predecessor.

Congra-you-fucking-lations. This is not a good thing.

And Matheny's way got another injury-riddled team to the NLCS while relying heavily on young players.

Yep. He did it all by himself. Also, the implication that it's more impressive to do it with young players rings false when said young players have already proven to be good major leaguers. Kolten Wong is the exception and he certainly didn't do Oscar Taveras any favors. Lastly, every team gets injured. The manager has nothing to do with getting over injuries, it's all in how well-built the roster is to replace the injured players.

This took me way longer than I planned, because of the stupid Slideshow format. Hope you enjoyed it and while I didn't do FJM justice, I hope this was at least entertaining.