INTERNET — Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku told reporters Sunday that he thinks an advanced alien species may have infiltrated the earth’s internet to sow discord and soften up humanity for a potential invasion.

Dr. Kaku, speaking at an event held by former Blink 182 musician Tom Delonge told reporters, “The only truly credible reports of UFOs have followed a very troubling pattern. Always they are tracking our fighter jets or interfering with nuclear weapons systems — and these stories show a coherent and disturbing pattern that is very consistent from person to person and from nation to nation.”

Tom Delonge slouched and his eyes teared up as he gripped his mic, trying to settle the conference room. “We’ll take your questions later. And no, this isn’t a joke — not a prank.”

Dr. Kaku continued, “Thank you Tom. Imagine, for a moment, if a group of chimpanzees suddenly learned to make stone-tipped spears or started crafting bows and arrows. This might not be a major threat to our civilization, but it certainly would draw our attention, especially the attention of people who live nearby. Even worse, imagine if they discovered fire.”

Delonge waved his hand dismissively at the cries from the conference room, “In the end, I know we’d kill them. Chimps setting fires all over the place would just be too dangerous. Whatever scientists think, the people living in the area would not be very tolerant for very long, and look: We’re the chimps with nukes — it’s a situation that no advanced species in our vicinity can tolerate.”

Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked.

Dr. Kaku looked stern and spoke with incredible clarity, “When humanity deployed its first nuclear weapons, this must have instantly drawn the attention of anyone in our galactic neighborhood. The gamma burst would create an unmistakable signature that would be easily detected at a great distance. These accounts of nuclear weapons being disabled by strange lights in the sky are credible evidence of an advanced species displaying total military superiority. The strange craft that zip around fighter jets, changing direction and accelerating at unbelievable speed, even apparently surviving blasts from machine guns, this is the aliens making their presence known, as I predicted earlier this year.”

Tom Delonge, ashen and emotionless, announced, “Our cyberspace is totally defenseless against such an advanced threat. There is no encryption that can keep them out, no fake news filters that can stop their influence, and no sense in resisting. It’s already too late. Look around you. Everyone is at everyone else’s throats and we’re on the brink of a third world war. How can we resist psyops from such an advanced threat?”

Dr. Kaku shook his head, “It doesn’t look good. But I have been looking long and hard at the encounter between Europeans and the civilizations in the Americas. In that case, there wasn’t a very large technological gap, at least compared with what we’re facing now. But on the optimistic side, the technological advantage, in itself, wasn’t the determining factor. Rather, the Spanish were able to play groups against each other and take advantage of a civilization that was in disarray, turning factions against one another. It was just so expensive and time consuming to move resources and men across the ocean, and a major invasion was just not possible. But by turning factions against each other, a very small group of about five hundred men were able to take over a civilization of millions. I believe any spacefaring conquerors will almost surely follow this pattern. So it is a major challenge for humanity to suddenly transform itself into a Level I civilization, to settle our differences peacefully. Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked. But if we wise up suddenly, there is a very good chance we can resist them. They may be very advanced, but we have the home field advantage. We don’t need to move our weaponry across interstellar space.”

“There are so many other scenarios we’ve worked out with the Pentagon,” Delonge said. “For instance, there are, likely as not, several competitors for power over Earth, each of them using one nation or another as a proxy. Think of it, if an alien species asked to ally with your nation and said it could disable the nukes of a much bigger country that was threatening you, putting sanctions on you, and making your life miserable, you’d probably make that deal. It’s obvious. And this is why a lot of people at the Pentagon don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to be seen as puppets of a more advanced species.”