Visibly elated, an 18-year-old boy named Theodore unapologetically beams at his phone screen and pumps his fist in the waiting area of a suburban Great Clips. His uncontrollable excitement and accompanying body language cause his left AirPod to slip right out of his oily ear canal and crash to the floor of the salon, sending the musical stylings of Russ’s “Losin Control” ballad to an untimely halt. Undeterred by the tragedy, Theodore remains overly jubilant. But why?

Surely he couldn’t be that excited about his upcoming haircut, although the septum-pierced trainee in the midst of taking her third xanax break would undoubtedly give him a five star fade when she finally emerged from the employee restroom. So what was actually thrilling Theo?

Did his crush finally text him back? Unfortunately, no. “Read 6/23/19” still teases him under the “what u gettin into after this???” iMessage bubble he sent her from less than ten feet away at Karleigh McClanahan’s graduation party last week.

Did a college baseball coach finally see his senior highlight tape and instantly offer him a full ride via email? Nope. Theo was already committed to Greek Life and the facade that his post season ankle sprain singlehandedly prevented him from playing at the next level.

No no, it was actually something much cooler and more promising than both of those things…combined.

Like a spiritual sign from God himself, the almighty, omnipotent Dan Bilzerian — and his burning bush — took a quick break from unprotected missionary sex with rental models to deliver the word of the Lord to thousands of desperate disciples like Theo.

Straight out of the Book of Sexodus, Father Daniel provided a rare beacon of hope to his adoring adolescent fans who all had dicks dryer than Egyptian sands and delusions grander than Himalayan lands.

“You’ll end up hooking up with her whole sorority.”

Like a Jihadi suicide bomber with a vocal fry fetish, Theo began to aggressively envision the 70+ naked Delta Zetas who would inevitably be moaning his name in the near future. Harder than Iraqi scrap metal, he could barely even control the urge to start violently masturbating to the thought of unlimited sex (with girls) in his sperm-scented dormitory bunk. If his stylist wasn’t barred out of her fucking mind, she would’ve surely been creeped out by the tent he pitched with his haircut cape.

“Fuck her properly and treat her well good.”

It doesn’t get much easier than that, Theo reasoned. A simple, two-step process that would guarantee him a surplus of sure puss? How could he not be excited? And coming from his middle aged role model…The Forefather of Fucking, The King of Rash, The Colossus of Instagram Clout? How could he not be erect?

In just a few shorts months, Theo would be going from “Thank you for your service, Dan” to “Thank you for your cervix, ma’am.”Of fucking course he was fully torqued and eternally grateful for his lord and savior.

Four words from Dan’s bible verse particularly stuck out to Theo as he pressed the backspace button on the “turn around and take another one lol” Snapchat reply to his 16-year-old neighbor’s poolside bikini picture.

“Don’t be a douchebag”

Coming from an omniscient idol like Dan Bilzerian, Theo knew he had to start heeding that advice and acting more like Dan if he wanted to take down an entire sorority by Cinco de Mayo.

There was only one dilemma that Theo faced, and that was the rumored possibility that Dan was actually hacked when he sent that tweet.

Could it really be? Were those college sex tips merely the words of a fraudulent troll attempting to lead him down the wrong path? Facing a bittersweet moment of clarity in the middle of a luxury barbershop in his local strip mall, Theodore was torn. Who was he supposed to trust?