THE HEAVENS—Following hours of staring into the darkness of the void and wondering if there was a point to anything at all, God, the Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, ultimately decided against suicide Wednesday when an angel showed Him what life would be like if He had never existed. “Sometimes, you lose sight of the big picture, but thanks to [the angel] Azazel, I’ve been reminded what a huge impact I had on so many people over the course of My life. Maybe I had to hit rock bottom before realizing that, yes, I am responsible for all of human existence,” said God, admitting He had been ready to jump from Heaven before Azazel happened to spot the Lord of Hosts in the crowd, realized that He was in a bad place, got Him talking over coffee, and eventually made Him realize what a huge mistake He was about to make. “I’m so grateful Azzy was there to set me straight. He must have listened to me say ‘I don’t deserve to live’ about a hundred times and was super patient when I droned on and on about how all I’ve ever done was hurt people. He reminded me that if I hadn’t lived, my Son would’ve never been born, humanity would still be burdened with sin, and the Virgin Mary, my poor Mary, would’ve ended up sad and lonely. Honestly, I got a little choked up thinking about how there would have been nothing but eternal emptiness if I had never spoken light into this world. I guess I’m worth keeping around after all.” While angelic therapists said He was no longer in danger of self-injury, sources close to God confirmed that He continues to abuse alcohol and prescription painkillers in order to deal with the realization that billions of people have suffered and died in His name.

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