The piece you are about to read was not written by me but it is without a doubt one of the single greatest pieces I have ever read in my life. This piece originally appeared on a website called http://www.spazoutny.com/. Don’t bother going there now. It’s since been shut down and looks like a phoney ass hacked site. Anyway, years ago when I read this, I must have really been on top of my shit because I copied this entire page (photos and everything) and saved it on a USB drive that I just found while cleaning out my desk this week.

I believe it is my given duty to bring my fellow Fartheads the best stuff than I can bring you to make you laugh, cry, think, fart, whatevs. This my dear friends is the cream of the crop and I truly hope you will enjoy reading this! It’s a long read but trust me, it’ll be 5 of the best minutes of your life (3 if you’re a good reader). Enjoy!

Everything I need to know……I learned from Iron Maiden

I am writing this letter in protest of the perverse travesty I have suffered at the hands of Mr. Bradley in the form of the horribly unjust “F” grade he has given me for last semester in his complete fraud of a class, World History 101. It calls into question the academic standards of this institution, and my Mom is totally going to kick my ass when she sees it.

I suspect that perhaps Mr. Bradley just feels threatened that I know more about the subject he teaches than he does. It’s not exactly a secret that I’ve seen the band Iron Maiden in concert 57 times, and that I own every album they’ve ever released. This background has provided me with valuable insight well worth the costs of chronic hearing loss and bouts of epilepsy from prolonged exposure to stage pyrotechnics that have come with it. You see, listening to Iron Maiden is like riding in a turbo-charged time machine with a kick-ass stereo system.

For starters, the class text World History & You! is a complete joke. This so-called “educational” textbook completely ignores the crucial influence of Iron Maiden’s mascot “Eddie” in the events that have shaped human history. From the dawn of man to a vaguely futuristic time, Eddie has been there- usually opting to not take a direct role but rather crouch nearby significant historical events with a ghoulish and/or menacing stare. The omission of Eddie from the text amounts to dangerous revisionist history on the part of the publishers, who I assume are probably really big fags who listen to Warrant.

Mr. Bradley claims to have failed me due to poor class performance, but everyone knows he’s still holding a grudge from the time he caught me behind the bleachers lighting the fetal pig from Biology class on fire. That was a serious scientific experiment, NOT a satanic sacrifice.

Don’t believe that Maiden has taught me all I need to know to pass that bullshit class? Then come rock with me on a balls-out, historically enlightening journey through time- courtesy of the world’s foremost historians:

4 Million B.C. The Dawn Of Man: The song “Quest For Fire” from Piece Of Mind is a badass track that chronicles the true story of man’s life and death struggle with dinosaurs, wooly mammoths and fire in caveman times, and is so full of prehistorical flavor that it rivals The Flinstones. Sample lyrics: In a time when dinosaurs walked the earth/When land was swamp and caves were home/In an age when prize possession was fire/To search for landscapes men would roam. Historical footnote: Mr. Bradley would have us believe that the logic of this song is flawed just because of the fact that dinosaurs and humans never actually co-existed, but how many platinum albums has he released? Relatively few, I suspect.

1300 B.C. Ancient Egypt: The title track of Maiden’s 1984 epic Powerslave examines the complex relationship between power and slaves in ancient Egyptian culture. The song is sung from the perspective of an all-powerful Pharaoh lamenting his impending death, and promising to return to life as a mummy and fulfill his curse. This might explain why when they play this song live, a ginormous robotic mummy that looks just like Eddie bursts onstage with huge multi-colored sparks exploding out of his eye sockets- a moment so awesome that to me, it ranks WAY above The Great Pyramids Of Giza on that bullshit Seven Wonders Of The World list.

350 B.C. Macedonia: “Alexander The Great (356-323 B.C.)” from Somewhere In Time pays tribute to the great Macedonian king by painstakingly listing EVERYTHING he ever did, in chronological order. Sample lyrics: At the the age of 19, he became the Macedon king/And swore to free all of Asia Minor/By the Aegean Sea in 334 B.C./He utterly beat the armies of Persia.

I performed an A Capella air guitar version of the entire song while standing atop my desk as my final project in World History 101, and Mr. Bradley was forced to admit that it was- despite being “inappropriate and disruptive”- 100% historically accurate. Historical footnote: If you play the song backwards, there are no satanic messages, but Alexander does get younger and his life progressively less impressive.

100 B.C. The Roman Empire: The opening track “The Ides Of March” from the album Killers takes its name from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, in which the Roman Emperor is betrayed and murdered by Brutus after being warned to “beware the Ides Of March,” which is March 15th. This song immediately reminded me of the time that asshole senior Zack threatened he’s kick my ass if I didn’t return his copy of Slayer’s Reign In Blood before Christmas break, and my so-called “friend” Marty totally sold me out and told him that it was in my locker the whole time. This betrayal led to my tragic, Caesar-esque fall from grace. More specifically, this involved Zack wailing on me and duct-taping my buttcheeks together in the locker room after gym class. Et tu, Marte?

11th Century The Viking Conquests: Number Of The Beast’s first track “Invaders” depicts the horror of a Viking raid on the British isles. The Vikings were Scandinavian warriors who terrorized the coasts of Europe from the 9th-11th Centuries. No one really knows why the Vikings were so pissed off, but most historians agree that it’s probably because they had to wear skirts and were named after a shitty football team from Minnesota.

13th Century Genghis Khan’s Empire: The instrumental “Genghis Kahn” from Killers was inspired by a military genius that conquered much of the Far East in the 13th Century. Mr. Bradley said this dude was a Mongolian, but I saw a picture of him and he doesn’t look retarded- he’s a Chinese guy.

16th Century Medieval Times: Iron Maiden’s song “Iron Maiden” from their debut album Iron Maiden takes it’s name from a medieval torture device, the Iron Maiden. It consisted of a coffin-like sarcophagus in which after the victim was placed inside, a spiked door simultaneously skewered and crushed to death the person inside. Historical footnote: “Medieval Times” is also the name of a theme restaurant in New Jersey where Maiden bassist Steve Harris holds a part-time job as the dastardly black knight. My step-dad Uncle Randy took me there, and it rocked!

19th Century The Crimean War: “The Trooper” from Piece Of Mind is about the ill-fated British cavalry charge against the Russian army during the Crimean War, which Mr. Bradley claims lasted from 1853-1856 and inspired the poem “Charge Of The Light Brigade” by Lord Tennyson. Whatever. What’s WAY more interesting is the fact that there’s part of this song where Bruce Dickinson hits a note so high, that if you sandwich your head between the two speakers and turn your stereo all the way up when he hits it, your gonads will suck back up into your body. If you don’t believe me, you can try it yourself- but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

19th Century The American Indian Wars: “Run To The Hills” from Number Of The Beast recounts the bloody battles between American Indians and the White Man in the 1800’s. Mr. Bradley’s lecture on the topic lacked Maiden’s level of detail, not to mention a kick-ass Steve Harris bassline. Sample lyrics: Chasing the redskins back to their holes/Fighting them at their own game/Murder for freedom a stab in the back/Women and children the cowards attack!

No one knows what became of the Indians, but legend has it that while under heavy White Man attack, they took refuge in casinos on the remote plains and barricaded themselves behind rows of progressive jackpot slot machines, where many remain to this day.

20th Century World War 2: Powerslave’s “Aces High” transports you right into the cockpit of a fighter jet- ducking, diving and firing against the enemy in World War 2’s Battle Of Britain. Maiden’s depiction of this epic WW2 aerial dogfight is so vivid, it’s not hard for the listener to imagine what it was like putting those Vietnamese bastards in their place- especially if you take a huge bong hit right before the guitar solo!

I rest my case. With the help of this heavy metal supergroup, I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt my failing grade to be a grave injustice. I demand that my academic probation be lifted and that you immediately fire Mr. Bradley and replace him with someone who has a superior knowledge of the subject, better vocal range, and a stronger stage presence. Furthermore, I strongly urge that we utilize all available technologies to develop an interactive textbook that plays the corresponding Iron Maiden song when you open it up to a specific period in history.

This statement signed in solidarity by members of Harry S. Truman High School’s Stoner All-Star Team.

About Don de Leaumont Don (aka. The Brainfart) has been a heavy metal fan since hearing it for the first time in 1983. Don is also responsible for all of the typos, shitty grammar, and kick ass content on this site. Don likes cheap beer, whiskey, Coca Cola Icees, going to shows, and hanging with his kick-ass wife, their cat Drusilla and dog named Cassie. He originally wanted to name his dog Shandi but his wife said, "No fucking way."

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