Blogging. For goodness sake, this is almost as bad as Twitter. Don’t get me started on Tumblr. Billions of pudding heads sat staring at their computer screens, compelled to scroll endlessly through pictures of cats and arguments over the colour of a dress. As if you can even see what colour the thing is with your appalling human eyesight.

Where was I?

Blogging. You are a nosy lot, aren’t you? You lot, you just sit there gorging yourselves on every wee sliver of an assumed fact of what I’m doing. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Tidy yourself up a bit. How long has that half-eaten sandwich been on your desk? Meanwhile the human race is slowly being consumed by the wildlife hooking into your internet, feeding on you every second you feel you can’t pull away. It starts with gifs of cute fluffy animals, then Vines, then wham. Pudding head soup……

Sorry about that. The Doctor tends to get a bit carried away when he’s trying to scare people off. Honestly, he’s flattered really. He has a sort of scathing modesty. Don’t worry. I’ve got my eye on him, and possibly the heel of my shoe to stop him taking the keyboard back. If you could all do me a whoppingly big favour and try not to spread too many pictures of us together on social networks, that would be awesome. Reeeally don’t need awkward questions from my family as to why my reaction to being dumped by my Swedish boyfriend was to run off with a man older than my dad.

Aside from that, thanks for being there for him and me. He needs all of you and I know that’s why he’s rude and disapproving. He likes parenting the planet. Keep being amazing, Earth.

Finally. She’s let me back on so long as I promise not to be rude. Parenting? Not likely. That’s far too much responsibility. Anyway, I suppose if I must say it: yes, I’m proud of you all. Mostly. Try to refrain from blowing yourselves up. Learn things, find your own answers, and make sure sweet manufacturers keep churning out jelly babies.

I’m signing off now. Should probably let the blogger out of the basement before she keels over from caffeine withdrawal.