NEW YORK—In a private conference Wednesday in his Trump Tower residence, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump reportedly began shaping his general election strategy with a team of his most trusted erratic impulses. “Every decision and course of action I have taken in this campaign has been made in consultation with my loyal team of volatile impulses, and I will continue to work closely with these base, capricious urges to devise a comprehensive plan of attack to defeat Hillary Clinton in November,” said the business mogul, adding that he had the utmost confidence in the direction provided by the influential group of haphazard whims, wild compulsions, and aggressive outbursts that have been advising his actions for decades. “On domestic issues such as immigration, women’s rights, and race relations, I will rely heavily on the exceptional recommendations of whatever just pops into my head. Though I will likely lean on my most dependable impulses, irrational fear and baseless accusation, to lay out a foreign policy agenda that really speaks to the American people.” At press time, Trump’s team of erratic inclinations was reportedly delegating tasks to be carried out by a collection of the GOP candidate’s most feverish knee-jerk reactions.

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