LAFAYETTE, LA – For the family, friends, and neighbors of LSU Lineman Clarence Joyce, this weekend’s NFL Draft is the culmination of nearly a decade of ingratiating, scheming, and unscrupulous dealing to get a piece of the NFL rookie signing bonus. “I’ve been taking his parents out to dinner for years, well before the kid was NFL material,” Cousin Frank Joyce told our correspondent. “People kept saying – you can’t just open new credit cards and pay the minimums. Well, now Clarence is getting drafted and it’ll be fine!” Others, like Clarence’s elementary school teacher Janet, were displeased with the prospect of Frank getting bailed out when everyone is having a hard time. “Frank has been jacking up the rates on his car wash for years, and for what?” she asked.

Like many NFL players before him, rookie Clarence Joyce’s newfound wealth might slip away more quickly than he expects. Unlike the government bailout that is the underlying theme of this metaphor, however, Clarence cannot simply print trillions of dollars to pass the problem on to his grandkids.