The sad news of the Dalai Lama’s death has hit me harder than I would have expected. In case you haven’t heard, he passed away late last night and has since been the subject of countless obituaries and articles that pay homage to him, many of which have brought me to tears. Being a man who spent his entire life spreading teachings of love, enlightenment and calmness of mind, it was assumed by all his fans (myself included) that the Dalai Lama passed on peacefully- perhaps whilst sleeping or meditating- gently drifting off to become reincarnated, no doubt.

But this morning, reporting directly from the incident’s location (the Dalai Lama’s second holiday home in Malibu, CA) his family and friends have confirmed the cause of death to be much more shocking: Suicide. That’s right. I could barely believe it. Why would the happiest man on earth, who surely must have reached enlightenment a good number of times by now, have any reason to top himself?

It wasn’t long before all questions were answered. On the Dalai Lama’s twitter feed, along with the hashtag #Dalai’sDead, a video on Depression Awareness Month was posted. The sad truth was out. His holiness (or whatever the hell you’re supposed to call the King of the Buddhists) was not a happy man.

That foulest of beasts depression has already claimed so many great souls, Robin Williams having been the one still on everyone’s lips. He was another man who devoted his life to spreading joy only to feel empty inside whilst doing it and it seems, to the general public’s absolute shock, that the Dalai Lama was no different. Less than a few hours after the big revelation Sky News managed to grab a quick interview with a fellow monk and close colleague of the Dalai Lama’s who wished to remain anonymous. He had this to say:

“The Dalai Lama was never really happy. Sure, he spoke a lot about oneness with the universe and the eternal soul within all that lives, but that was just his way of putting on a brave face. Beneath the skin he was tormented with demons and could at times be quite hateful. I daresay all that “change must come from within” malarkey was just a way to avoid going to his AA meetings”.

Renowned atheist and dangerously logical thinker Richard Dawkins chimed in, offering his opinion on the Dalai’s death and the man’s spiritualism in general:

“It’s all a lark. Enlightenment, like a fine wine or even one of my books, will get boring after years and years. Taking nothing for granted and feeling ecstatic just to have your health, your friends and your family would definitely grate after a while. The only true way to be happy is to sit behind a microscope or watch a documentary on physics. To think otherwise would be idiotic”.

I’m expecting to be in mourning for a good while, not only because a great man has died but because the knowledge of his internal suffering makes his teachings ring hollow. Is anyone ever truly happy in this world? Other than Richard Dawkins? Can humanity ever beat depression? Prepare yourself for endless suicide hotlines and articles about depression awareness that will be clogging up your news feed for the next few weeks. Luckily this only happens when someone important kills themselves. Everyone will have forgotten all about it in a few weeks when someone even more important has a child or gets sacked from the BBC. Like tears in the rain.

Speaking of Suicide

Capitalising not only on Colorado’s legalisation of marijuana but also the recently released documentary Montage of Heck, the remaining members of Nirvana are to sponsor the development of a new double-barreled bong: the Kurt Cobain. One test-user described it as “killer” and Grohl has stated that it will “blow your mind!”