JAKUB

“I was Mr. President Trump’s foot man from when he was young. Not footman like on ‘Downton Abbey’--you impressed I know that show? No. A man who does the foot. He liked his foots massaged. Mr. Trump Sr., he pay me plenty to keep son’s foots moist. Those Trumps, they like soft foot.”

SERGEY

“Mr.—I mean President Trump...he ask me to handle labor relations at casino. Very classy casino. Closed now due to closure. So not so classy now, but still classier than other closed casinos. I handle problems with bothering workers. They now happy. The way Lenin and Stalin now happy! Sorry, I always make joke.”

HAPPY

The bellhop at Trump International Hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue. Mr. Trump’s favorite employee. He palms Happy a twenty, and Happy slips him notes for next big speech.

HINKELL & JANKOV

“Hinky and Janky,” as they were known around Trump Tower, are Mr. Trump’s trusted foreign-affairs experts. Starting off as handymen in the basement of the building, they became Mr. Trump’s secret political advisors on North Korea and Russia summits. Hinky had worked as a deliveryman at Kim’s Video in the West Village and so knows a thing or two about Korean action films. Janky makes a borscht to die for. “More dill! Stir slowly!” He is Mr. Trump’s go-to guy on Russian relations.

BUNKY

Mr. Trump’s son with the first wife, before Ivana. Handles domestic chores for half-sister Tiffany and advises the president on NAFTA.



.

The Trump Medical Team

In charge of, reading from left to right, eye, ear, nose, foot, and mouth.

DR. ERNST TRUMP

He is the grandson of the president’s great-uncle, Dr. Albert Trump, who worked on medical experiments during the war. Albert emigrated to Bolivia just prior to Nuremberg. As it says on his gravestone in the Cementerio Tarapaca: “They never proved a thing!” Ernst had been examining children in one of the president’s ICE detention centers until he was caught trying to smuggle a small generator and electrodes into the facility. Reassigned to the Department of the Environment in charge of Endangering Species.

EDWARD TRUMP

Mr. Trump’s cousin. His grandfather was the cruel but dapper developer of shantytowns in Central Park during the Depression. (There is a tiny memorial to him near Turtle Pond, where he is believed to have been drowned following an altercation with Hooverville residents when he attempted to rebrand it a Trumpville.) Edward handled slots at the Trump Taj Mahal until all those lawsuits. He now works as the maître d’ at the Trump Grill.

The Hair Team

Or, as one wag dubbed them, “Hair Force One.” All arrive via identical dark vans to the White House every morning at 5:00 a.m. sharp, as they did for many years at Trump Tower. Trained in Eastern Europe, they operate on the president during his “Executive Time” like a Formula One pit crew. You should see—in and out in an hour! Sometimes Mr. Trump even lets them do Mrs. Trump’s hair. But only when they are done with him! Mr. Trump keeps their passports locked in a vault in Trump Tower for safekeeping. Each man has his specialty.

Wojtek prepares the activator fluids that lighten president’s hair without damage. Sasha is in charge of fluid hair painting. “better than foil! President gets to lie on back while hair is colored. Hands free for extra tweeting.” Bogdan handles ammonium-thioglycolate treatments “to make hair more manly and ready for perm.” (Also in charge of portable vats of Barbicide. “That Mr. Trump--he a stickler for hygiene!”) Varoslav handles the heavy-duty clarifying shampoo, “to rid Mr. Trump’s hair of tars and liquid residues from day before.” Bartek & Patryk are in charge of Mr. Trump’s bilateral duster—“super-light daily haircut so it never looks like he just had one!” They call it bilateral because “the president, he so classy, he hates word ‘mullet.’ ” (Patryk is also in charge of the Catagen Clock—“tells team the relaxing cycles of presidential hair.”) Thanos “is strongest!” (“Has arms like piano legs!” Says Bogdan.) Thanos handles the overdirecting blowout machine every morning. “creates double the volume!”

ARTEM

Handles the freezing spray, specially designed for Mr. Trump by Dow Chemical. Sprayer powered by Small Rolls-Royce Engine. "CLASSY"

VASILY

The court jester of the Trump Inner Circle. “That Vasily! Crying on the outside. Laughing on the inside.” He’s the only man in the Trump Inner Circle who can make the president laugh. At a business-trip sleepover, his joke about the decapitated bald eagle had Trump laughing so hard he spilled his Diet Coke on Putin’s pajamas! Vasily broke the awkwardness by retelling his new classic about the mother separated from her children and shipped off to Colombia. “She thought man who arrested her had taken kids out to get some ICE cream!” That Vasily.

SZYMON

Dashing former FSB agent in charge of Mr. Trump’s Russian Twitter feed.

LARRY

Handled Mr. Trump’s nail products, but was let go just before the election when Mrs. Trump asked him to begin carrying her nail products. Common theory was “he was too handsome.”

JEROME KUSHNER

Forgotten brother of Jared. He was slated to be given the top job at the State Department but got lost on the way to the department’s C Street headquarters, and through the sort of confusion the Obama administration must have organized, he was assigned to filling the stamp vials in the Passport Agency. Jerome was the one who advised Mr. Trump to get rid of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson when Tillerson peevishly refused to promote him out of Passport and into the Court of St. James’s.

DIMA

General handyman. “Mr. Trump—sorry, Mr. President Trump—he buy my sister. Pay very good price. ‘Art of the Deal’ I say! He no good at deal. I would have sold her for half price! She like the H & M dresses. He say they very expensive. So she happy. Me happy. Mr. Trump, I don’t know.”

This article appears in the October '18 issue of Esquire—our 85th Anniversary issue.



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