1. The golf ball explorer

He spends eight minutes looking for each lost ball, usually beginning his quest about 75 yards farther than he should. As he half-heartedly pokes around in the short rough, you hack through the fescue looking for his ball, probably contracting lyme disease in the process. Then, two holes later when you’re in the same predicament, he’s nowhere to be found because he’s at the next tee hitting on the cart girl.

2. The waggler

Wars and Kardashian romances haven’t lasted as long as this golfer’s pre-shot routine. Worst of all, his excessive preparation never seems to help his game. After five beautiful practice swings, his actual one resembles a full-bodied dry heave.

3. Cell phone addict

His phone rings in the middle of your backswing, so he tells you to take a mulligan before getting back to the important conversation that will disrupt your next shot too. Even when he puts it on vibrate, the phone continually buzzes in the cart’s cupholder and sounds like an incoming air attack. And, oddly, there’s usually an inverse correlation between a golfer’s phone time and the importance of their job. The president of the United States can play a round without getting disturbed, but your buddy who bartends at TGI Fridays is taking calls like he’s hosting a telethon.

4. The guy who reads every putt like he’s playing Sunday at The Masters

While he’s on his fifth crouch, third line-up and second minute of his putt prep, you finally speak up. “Need a tip on that read? (Checks the break.) You’re going to miss anyway.”

5. The Butch Harmon wanna-be

Well, not technically. People seek out Butch Harmon’s swing advice. This guy offers his completely unsolicited. He’s trying to be nice and you appreciate his concern, but it’s not encouraging when your playing partner masquerading as a golf pro has already lost six balls en route to shooting a 107.

6. The sulker

There are three ways to deal with a bad round: Laughing it off, drinking it off or sulking like a third-grader who didn’t get to be the line leader. This golfer thinks his day is ruined, so he wants to ruin yours by wearing a frown and insisting he can’t go out for wings afterward because he’s got “things to do around the house.”

7. Walker who’s always complaining about walking

“Whew, it’s a hot one today. Has this course always been so hilly? Do you know if Uber does pick-ups from the 13th green?”

8. Guy who thinks you need to dress like Old Tom Morris

When asked why he insists on dressing like he’s playing the 1929 Ryder Cup, he says, “I like to keep the traditions of the game.” Then he pulls out his GPS to figure out whether he should hit his three hybird or cavity-backed Ping G25 four-iron.

9. The interrupter

He doesn’t mean to talk when you’re standing over your putt or fumble in his golf bag while you’re setting up your drive, but it happens so much you’re left to wonder whether he has the world’s worst timing or whether this is all part of some diabolical scheme to mess with your golf game. Sergio Garcia knows what we’re talking about.

10. Evel Knievel

You probably used to do doughnuts in the mall parking lot with him in high school. Now he’s tearing up golf courses with his cart antics. You’d like to voice your disapproval, but you’re too busy stifling your laughter while shooting it on your iPhone.

11. The excessive celebrators

The group ahead of you cheers so loudly you’re always thinking someone got a hole-in-one. It never is, though. They’re like the boys who cried wolf, if the boy wore plaid and drank light beer and the wolf was a fairly routine chip-in from 15 feet away.

12. Premature “good shot” guy

The instant the ball is off the club, he’s already praising the shot. “Great ball,” he says, an instant before it suddenly hooks left, caroms off the cart path and flies directly into the window of a house surrounding the green.

13. Jacques Cousteau

Did your ball land in the water? Don’t worry, he can get that for you. Oh, it landed in the middle of the lake, so it’s probably not worth it? That’s not a problem either, he has a telescoping ball retriever. Two minutes and a soaked pair of spikes later, he hands you a Top-Flite that appears to be from 1992 while your Pro V1 still sleeps with the fishes.

14. Anger management candidate

No hat, tree branch or kick-standed bag of clubs is safe from his wrath after he misses another six-footer for par. Oh, and his language would make Tiger Woods blush.

15. Range finder master

Despite the fact that you’re standing exactly at the 150-yard marker, he insists on helpfully pulling out his range finder to get you the more accurate distance to the flag. “203 to the pin,” he says with confidence. “But the marker says 150,” you reply. “Pin’s in the back.” You’re skeptical, so he holds up the range finder and says with confidence, “lasers, bro.” Lasers are never wrong, so you hit it 200 and the ball lands at the foot of a tree that’s 50 yards past the green and 203 yards away from where you’re standing.

16. Inappropriate golf cart parker

“Do you need me to move my cart,” is his familiar refrain. “Yes,” is your familiar response, seeing as how it’s the fifth time today he parked his cart directly in the path of your shot.

17. Guy who blames every bad shot on everything but his horrendous swing

It was either the wind, sun, rain, bug, bird, lie, stance, downshifting tractor trailer on a distant highway, heaviness of the air, slipperiness of his grip, bad back from sleeping on it wrong, how much he drank last night, how little he drank last night, airplane that flew overhead, guys celebrating on the other hole, doomed relationship, reading too many tips in Golf Digest, not having checked out Golf Digest recently for new tips, choice of socks, inability to wear metal spikes like back in the good ol’ days or something having to do with high tide that caused his poor shot. It’s never, ever, ever that Charles Barkley-like swing of his. After the round, he’ll drink a Wanamaker Trophy amount of beer, then wake up the next morning and blame his hangover on not having had enough for dinner.