Right away, I knew this package was for me (even without the fact that it had my name on it and was on my front porch). It had stickers all over it, featuring some of my favorite things! Such as Homer Simpson eating a doughnut, a human brain being stuck by lightning, and a Cookie Monster/Game of Thrones mashup.

Upon opening the package, I noticed something fun that my Santa probably didn't expect. It was packed with packing paper! Such an item is a treasure for my dog, Wilson, who will scamper around the house and rip it up.

Now on to the meat of the package. I counted five gifts, four for me and one for Wilson. Since I have to exert my dominance over Wilson whenever possible, I opened my gifts first. Each gift had a very nice handwritten note to accompany it.

Gift #1: A Mr. Sparkle magnet from The Simpsons episode 4F18 (#175) - In Marge We Trust. The magnet features the Mr. Sparkle mascot and correctly proclaims his disrespect towards dirt. This filled me with joy, 100%!

Gift #2: A ballsack. You may not know this, but pinballs will get pretty banged up fairly quickly, depending on how often the game is played. Once they have a good amount of dings and scratches, they turn into little rolling spheres of sandpaper that destroy the pinball playfield. This is not a good thing. Thankfully, my Santa provided me with five shiny new pinballs, which is enough to outfit at least one of my games with new balls. Protip: If you know a person who owns pinball machines, you can never go wrong with a ballsack as a gift for that special occasion!

Gift #3: A delightful tree ornament, which will spread much holiday cheer in my household. We've all been there; you're at your 9th holiday party in three days. You're exhausted, too tired to even drink to have fun anymore. All you can think is, "Why the hell is grandma wearing a turban made out of toilet paper, smoking a rolled up slice of ham, and leading a conga line around the kitchen?". You don't think you can take anymore of this, you're at your breaking point. But then you catch sight of a shiny ornament on the tree. What does it say? You wade through the sea of drunk family members and screaming children to find out. "Merry Fucking Christmas," it says. Merry fucking Christmas. You can't help but smile. Your holiday spirit has gone from Ebeneezer Scrooge to Clark Griswold. You grab one of the Jagerbombs that uncle Bob is handing out, and proceed to have the best fucking Christmas of your life.

Gift #4: A trip around the world (metaphorically speaking, of course). No longer will my wife have to discipline me because I've left drink rings on the coffee table we got from the curb in front of our neighbor's house. Because now I have an awesome set of pewter coasters for my beers! The four coasters each feature a different view of the world, as if it were spinning. These coasters seem to disprove the entire "Spherical Earth" theory. Everything we see is coasters.

Gift #5: The dog's gift. Lucky for me, my Santa decided to send Wilson a gift, too. Otherwise, he would have stolen my balls in retaliation for taking his all these years ago. Now Wilson has a kickass bone to chew on!

I had such a great time discovering these gifts. I love every one of them, from the packaging to the cursing. A HUGE thank you to my Secret Santa!!

As a side note, the ornament and coaster set is something that my Santa makes himself. They can be viewed (and purchased) on his website at his website here.