Birds! They sing. They fly. They lay pretty eggs. Yes, our world is a richer, better place thanks to the miraculous existence of birds. But not all birds are created equal. Far from it. The sad fact is that there are a great many garbage birds out there…birds that are screeching, colorless, tasteless, and too dumb to spot a windowpane before flying into it. The following is a curated index of nine such birds…useless birds you do NOT need to go fetch the binoculars to see…birds that your dad will not demand you take a look at when they land in front of the kitchen window…birds that deserve to occasionally get caught in a jet turbine. Shit birds. Let’s have at them:

9. The mockingbird. These are boring, inane birds that also happen to be dicks. Mockingbirds are territorial, hostile, and mean. Redneck birds, essentially. And yet, against all odds, they are the subject of history’s most wretched, cloying lullaby. There is nothing soothing about purchasing a stupid mockingbird for a child. That thing would peck the kid’s dick off if they shared a room together. I read To Kill a Mockingbird and was horribly disappointed to discover that no mockingbirds are killed in it. I thought that would be the whole book. Harper Lee’s estate owes me money. Mockingbirds are puke.

8. The Kerguelen petrel. I’ve never seen this bird, but it was the only bird Jonathan Franzen saw during a long bird-watching stint aboard an Antarctic cruise trip, which disappointed him. You petrels should have more respect for a blowhard novelist writing about reluctantly taking a luxurious vacation (writers reluctantly taking luxurious vacations account for 50% of all New Yorker articles).

7. The flycatcher. Judging by the number of flies buzzing around my living room, you guys aren’t doing your job.

6. The lark. If you’re gonna be a lark, you better be fat. God, I love fat birds. Look at how fucking fat this lark is. LAY OFF THE MILLET, FATTY! The Internet has been obsessed with overweight cats for years. But the real LULZ are in obese birds, amigo. Anyway, let’s overfeed all the larks until they blow up in midair.

5. The black-capped chickadee. If you aren’t familiar with this bird, you are surely familiar with its incessant two-note call, as heard in this video. It is the Chinese water torture of bird calls. You listen to me, chickadee, you son of a BITCH: If you come calling at my bedroom window, you’re getting a face full of buckshot. Don’t step to me.

4. The mourning dove. White doves are pretty, right? The universal symbol of peace and kickass Prince songs, right? And every John Woo movie is improved by the sight of white doves flying up amid heavy gunfire. This is NOT that dove. The mourning dove is a dull, brown, pointless bird that should make itself extinct so that the white dove can take over and flourish. Did you know there are dozens of dove species? This is annoying, and deeply lazy on the part of ornithologists. Every bird should get its own name. The white dove should not have its name tarnished by the existence of this other, weak-ass dove. And if there are dozens of variations of the same bird, they should all have to fight in a giant sky cage until only one species is left standing.