There's no underestimating the importance of facial hair in the world of technology.

Look no further than the research of a man named Tamir Kahson, who in 2004 discovered the inseparable link between beards and programming languages. As Kahson so artfully demonstrated, a programming language is only as successful as the beard on the face of the man who designed it – or something like that.

OK, Grace Hopper didn't have a beard, and she was the brains behind Cobol. But she's not a man. Clearly, women are exempt the laws of tech facial hair.

In Silicon Valley, the beard is everything – unless you're a woman or you're Mark Zuckerberg and you can't grow one. For everyone else, a beard is essential to Silicon Valley success. But not just any beard. You must carefully grow your facial hair to suit your particular role in the tech ecosystem.

Confused? Don't worry. Here, we give you our Field Guide to Facial Topiary in the Tech Workplace. If you're a woman, ignore it. If you're man, start not shaving. –Editor

Social media coordinator

Brand evangelist

Software developer

Communications manager

Technical support



Unix admin

Legal analyst (patents)



Legal analyst (Godwin's law)

Software QA



Graphic designer



Evil graphic designer

Sam Elliott

Intradepartmental coordinator

Hardware engineer

Cofounder who left pre-IPO



Public relations

Delivery guy for Big Sausage Pizzeria (moonlights as cable repairman)

Tactical officer and chief of security

Angel Investor

Community manager

Illustrations: Kelsey Dake