Collapsing Shack Arizona: In a bid for unliving with the freedom to avoid persecutions, prejudice, and violence, the undead rallied in front of the White House this July 4th. Most of the walking dead were unable to comment, but I do have a statement from former President Gerald Ford. When asked if he thought the undead were being discriminated against he quickly replied, “Uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh.”

After dodging the teeth of numerous Walkers, I did manage to track down someone willing to speak for the group. I sipped the oddest tasting Merlot with him, while the hordes of zombies banged their fists against the outside of his darken trailer. “If the White House doesn’t meet our needs by sundown, I will emerge and wreck havoc on the worlds of men.”

When I asked the spokesman, know only as ‘The Kahn,’ what these demands were, he had no trouble explaining. “We want the right to be able to walk down the streets without our heads blow off or some wannabe hero driving a stake through our hearts. But that is just part of the picture. We also want a zombie housing assistance program. Do you know what happens when you die? People start… just living in your home. And then who gets the flack for just wandering around, yeah, Zombies—hardly fair when their houses are stolen, is it?”

“Zombies also want to be able to date the living. This Breathers only dating only other Breathers is a discrimination that runs deep within your species and it needs to stop! As far as my people go, we just want you all to admit that Vampires are simple superior to mere humans and your laws do not apply. In return for letting us do whatever we wish, we promise not to enslave you.”

Kahn was really nice. He even helped me escape the zombies. It was so romantic how he held me as he leaped over their snapping teeth. With the wind caressing his bald Nosferatu head—he was so handsome.

But I still felt like I didn’t have the whole story. I found Jack Primus on the north side of the mall trying to defend a toppled school bus full of kindergartners. A ghoul had a small girl by the ankle and was dragging her out of the bus until its head exploded into paste when Jack’s sledge hammer hit it.

“Do you have a minute, Jack?”

“Not really—trying to save a few lives here.”

“So I take this means you are not in support of the Undead Freedom Act?”

“These Nezzoroth bastards will never get my vote, just my hammer to their face and maybe one of my girlfriends now and then. And bloody X on a ballet doesn’t mean a vote. Palin’s Undead Registration Bill is a sad attempt for her to try to find enough brain damaged voters that she might have a chance to win.”

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