Dear lazy, liberal "Christians" who think it's totes okay for government to be "charitable,"

Stop it. You're lack of understanding for how government works is just terrifying. Not terrifying in the peeing my pants kind of way, terrifying in the Pontus Pilate way. You know, the guy who cleaned his hands of the matter and allowed Jesus to be crucified. "Mob rule" won that day, logic did not.

Am I saying you crucified Jesus? No, of course not, but I am saying you're wiping your hands of responsibility by allowing the government to be "charitable" on your behalf. Not only is that just plain lazy, it's anti-Christian on principle. It also shows a complete lack of understanding for how Christianity works. Even if you do have a Jesus fish on your car. Lemme guess, you drive a Prius? We'll address that in another post. But please, understand, if you take away nothing else from this column, the left lane is for passing!

Jesus called his disciples to care for the least of these. The poor, the hungry, to clothe the naked, to visit prisoners, etc. This is Christianity 101. We all know it. As Christians we're called to be Christ-like, to be his disciples, to preach his word. All good things. Put a giant check mark next to your Jesus fish.

Here's the rub, though. Who did Jesus tell to take care of the poor, the hungry, to clothe the naked, to visit prisoners etc.? His disciples. Okay, yeah, that does sound obvious, doesn't it, what with me pointing it out all of one paragraph up? Welcome to the literary technique of "foreshadowing." But for some reason you leftist Christians have confused Jesus's teachings to his disciples, with instructions for government.

I get it, sometimes Jesus used parables to make things easier to understand. In the days before Twitter, Jesus had to simplify a lot of things so people would remember his teachings and subsequently pass them down via oral transmission. Yet despite his over 140 character limit, Jesus never said "Blessed are those who believe the government should tax people, so that government can redistribute it and give to others. Because personal responsibility is overrated. #FeelTheBern" Unless I'm missing a beatitude.

Oh, but you say the government are the people because the government is actually funded by the people. Therefore the government, in the mind of you, is made up of Jesus's disciples? Clever.

Okay, let's talk about that.

In short, no. You're wrong here too. Sucks, don't it? See, in order for the government to give money to people who do not have it, or have not earned it, the money must first be taken from people. Yes, it is taken. Sometimes by force. Most people, if given the choice, would not volunteer their money to the government. Put simply, taxes are not voluntary, charitable donations. Still with me?

I'm feeling the Jesus theme, so let's have ourselves a parable.

Two men are walking on a street. One of them is a cis-gendered man, the other is a white transwoman. Multiculturalism. They come across a homeless woman, who has scrawled "Will Work for Food" upon her sign, probably with a pen which is toxic to the environment. One of the men says "This saddens me, someone should do something." The other man agrees, responding "Yes, someone should do something about it."

A third person walks by. Gender neutral for purely illustrative reasons. Let's call it/zi "Jordan." Stay with me on this one, leftists. Both the transwoman and the cis-genered man stop Jordan. One pins Jordan to the ground, the other takes his wallet by force, removes 38% of the cash, pockets a large percentage for himself (administrative fees) then gives a few dollars to the homeless woman.

Pleased with themselves, the tranny and the cis-man pat Jordan on the back and say "Thanks for being charitable."

In case that wasn't clear, if you're the "Christian" who thinks the government should give money to others, you're the tranny. And possibly a sex criminal, we won't know for sure until you meet a jury of your peers.

That's not transphobia, by the way, I was merely distinguishing my parable from the many parables Jesus told about work, or being charitable to others, or the one about the mustard seed, but didn't tell about the government redistributing wealth. Again, perhaps I missed that part. But I know for certain Jesus never used a transgender in his parables. Confusion averted.

Now that we've established you're being a miserly crapweasel, let's also take you to task for not giving at all. Across the board, regardless of income level or faith, Conservatives give much more personal contributions to charity than liberals do...

Arthur Brooks, the author of a book on donors to charity, “Who Really Cares,” cites data that households headed by conservatives give 30 percent more to charity than households headed by liberals. A study by Google found an even greater disproportion: average annual contributions reported by conservatives were almost double those of liberals.

Because, as leftists of course, you think "charity" is a vote for Bernie Sanders. This is incorrect. See above parable. See also,the Bible. See also a dictionary which will outline the difference between charity and taxes. Cross-reference to see if they're synonyms. Tell me what you find...

So please, for the love of what Jesus actually taught, stop voting for politicians who promise to raise taxes. You're not being charitable, you're not being Christ-like. You're just being an easily exploited rube with zero critical thinking skills. No, your Jesus fish will not absolve you of this one.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff and Steven Crowder