This past Sunday, while investigating the annual fall absence of Newark townies, local authorities discovered hundreds of large underground burrows. These fox-hole-like homes, which are believed to be inhabited by the missing townies, were found around the perimeters of town, in the woods of White Clay, behind houses on Chambers Street, and throughout uncharted territories east of the Wawa on 273.

For centuries, townies have held annual sacrifices of various farm animals to appeal to the gods in hopes that they might destroy the university, or at the very least, relocate it. But after too many luckless years and too many unanswered prayers, the townie population had reportedly lost faith and decided that the best solution was to move themselves.

“I sure knew we was finding somethin’ special when we seen it,” said Chief of the Newark Police Department Cletus Sparks. “We was takin’ pictures before one of them townies come out and bit me in the finger. We couldn’t do nothin’ at first ‘cause we was in his home. But then we got him on a public urination charge.”

“Sure, it was a nice summer,” said Bob Herman, owner of Herman’s Quality Meat Shoppe located on East Cleveland. “The gods shined down on us and we had a productive harvest. I was also selling so much meat. But now the students are coming back. And they don’t buy anything. All they eat is Chick-fil-A and Chipotle and Cal Tor, as if those are quality meats, like they don’t care if they’re supporting homophobia or contracting E. Coli or just eating shitty Cal Tor burritos.”

A new student group, Blue Hens for Townie Rights, has formed in response to the news of the townie relocation. Its three members have posted discussions of their goal to assimilate both students and townies within “one happy community” on their new poorly-designed website. The members, all of whom went to Newark High School, reportedly believe that they are successful products of the type of assimilation the community should strive for.

Student advisor Leigh Ann Horowitz however, claims that two of the three members are close to failing out. Given this insight and the movement’s lack of support, experts agree that any chance of assimilation may be hopeless.

Responses from most students have been either uninterested or relieved. “Townies are, like, really weird, said local senior Sarah Cohen. “And super sketch. As long as I don’t have to see them, I don’t care what they’re doing, you know?”

Other nerdier students appear more excited about the discovery. “These archeological techniques are revolutionary,” commented Lyle Thompson, a sophomore and anthropology minor. “The homes they’ve created are astounding. We’re talking natural insulation methods, access to freshwater oases, and self-sustaining plumbing systems.”

If speculation around town holds true, the townie effort to avoid the coming influx of students may fall short. One inside source claims the university is considering kicking the townies out of the homes so students can go in and check them out for research purposes.

Townies have demonstrated opposition, insisting that the university has already permanently altered the town that was once theirs. No representative from the university has spoken out against the proposal, however the townies continue to thrive underground despite having been thrust into the spotlight, and are hopeful for a satisfying winter in the dirt.