By: Lucas Lostoski

Recently Sarah Palin pointed out that the “bigoted gays” are intolerant towards proud Christians, like me, and once again Sarah couldn’t be more right.

That’s why today I am writing about the most serious issue in the history of mankind: the issue of Duck Dynasty. Yes, that’s right even though there are wars ravaging every sector of our globe, poverty and hunger afflicting children everywhere, and politicians stealing our tax dollars at this very moment, the only issue that really matters is Phil Robertson’s wrongful treatment by Arts & Entertainment Network (I always knew I never liked the arts).

You’ve all heard the story by now, our hero, Phil Robertson, was suspended for two weeks for simply being a Christian and stating what we believe: That the vagina is much better than a male butthole (mainly because the latter is a one-way-ticket to hell).

I mean sure Phil said some distasteful things like gays are “full of murder, envy, strife, hatred, they are heartless, they are faithless, they are senseless, they are ruthless. They invent ways of doing evil.” But I mean come on it’s our free speech, and it’s what we believe, so therefore we can never be criticized (Everyone knows that the free speech of non-Christians who disagree doesn’t count).

And look we Christians are being attacked by the very devil himself—Jesse Jackson. Jackson, the civil rights leader who helped bring forth equality to African Americans in the United States, said this week that Phil Robertson’s words were “more hateful than Rosa Park’s bus driver.” Well, apparently Jesse has forgotten about standing up for the oppressed people of America—like Phil Robertson.

And Jesse has rightfully been attacked for his dumb remarks by conservatives who point out that Phil and Jesse’s struggles aren’t all that different. I mean, how true, the march for equality which included bitter racism, segregation, lynching, and was also reinforced by the Bible, can totally be equated to being suspended for two weeks!

And why was Phil suspended? For simply speaking the truth, he was right, gays are full of murder. For an example of this I always think back to Matthew Sheppard. If you don’t know who he was, Sheppard was a college student at the University of Wyoming, who was kidnapped, pistol whipped, tortured, and then tied to a fence and left to die by two Christian men because Sheppard was a gay. But I don’t blame these two Christian heroes for their actions, because like Phil Robertson says “gays are full of murder” and if they hadn’t killed Matthew that night he probably would have killed them due to his murderous rage caused by his hatred of God.

In fact this very Christmas I was a victim of discrimination by the gays. I was having a lovely time with my family when my Uncle Shawn decided to show up, my Uncle Shawn is a gay. I bit my tongue until he began to show off this picture of the five year old boy he and his longtime partner were adopting.

The boy had bounced around foster care and had already lived in four different homes. He talked about buying him clothes and food and giving him a loving home. I nearly threw up when I saw the joy it brought to his face to help clothe the naked and feed the hungry and give shelter to the homeless. It was at this moment that I snapped and screamed “Uncle Shawn you murderous heathen stop promoting your gay agenda!” (Note: I am suspended indefinitely from all future family Christmases—which is bullshit, what happened to my free speech?)

So that sucked, but good news did come two days later on Dec. 27 when A&E did the right thing and reinstated Phil Robertson due to millions of Christians standing up for him. Because hate-mongers like Robertson need standing up for, people like Matthew Sheppard do not.