[Albert had writer’s block for this review so he asked his friend Rex Hawthorne to write it up for him. Enjoy.]

Diabolique is a story about two women who team up to defeat the most evil guy in the universe.

Seriously, this guy is worse than Darth Vader because he’s basically banging Nicole right in front of Christina who is Michel’s wife who he married for her money, AND he forces Christina to eat rotten fish in front of everyone in the school where they work. Darth Vader never made anybody eat rotten fish. [Editor’s note: See Clone Wars comic “The Dark Side of the Buffet” E9I3]

He’s so evil that Christina and Nicole get together and they’re all like, “This dude has got to go.”

So they lure him back to Nicole’s house, and Christina is like, “I want a divorce,” and Michel is like, “You’re a HUGE CATHOLIC, you don’t believe in divorce,” and Christina is like, “Psyche! I was kidding about the divorce because that would be super wrong and I wouldn’t get into heaven.” And then they drown him in the bathtub and put him in a giant picnic basket. Which is super rude because Nicole’s neighbors are totally killing it at Jeopardy on the Radio or something, and the bathtub is way loud. But then they neighbors help them load the giant picnic basket with the body into their car so everything is okay.

They take the giant picnic basket back to the school, and along the way they meet this drunk soldier who’s all like, “Can I get a ride?” and Christina is like, “He’ll realize that no one could possibly actually need such a giant picnic basket and the jig will be up!” so they don’t give him a ride.

Nicole and Christina get back to the school where they work and dump Michel’s body out of the giant picnic basket into the nasty pool, so it will look like he drowned there. The pool is like, super grody. You really gotta put a cover on those things in the winter because leaves and squirrels and all kinds of gunk gets in there if you don’t, but I guess Michel had spent the school’s pool cover budget on rotten fish. [Editor’s note: Squirrels like to swim too]

For the next few days Nicole and Christina are all like, “Hey you guys notice anything weird about the pool lately?” and everyone says no, and they’re like, “Really, you sure you don’t want to take a look, just in case someone fell in there and drowned or whatever?” and everyone is still like “No” and then Christine is like, “DRAIN THE POOL RIGHT NOW AND FIND THE BODY WE DUMPED IN THERE OKAY?” [Editor’s note: She probably doesn’t say that]

So they drain the pool, but there’s no body in it, and Christina and Nicole start totally freaking out because the water bill to refill the pool now is going to be SO HIGH, and also they start to wonder where the body went.

Christina reads about another body that sounds exactly like Michel that had been dragged out of some other river, and she’s like “Maybe it teleported from the pool or something,” even though that’s totally not how water works at all. But when she goes to the police station, it’s some other guy. But now the police are like, “Why would you think your husband drowned in a river that’s not even close to where you live?” and she’s like, “NOTHING, YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY NOT THAT I MURDERED MY HUSBAND AND DUMPED HIS BODY IN THE POOL AND THEN HE TELEPORTED INTO THE RIVER, AND ALSO CHANGED INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON.” [Editor’s note: This she probably did say? I don’t know. The French are very squirrely]

And then the police start to get suspicious.

About this time Michel’s ghost starts ordering dry cleaning, and photobombing and taking away people’s slingshots, and regular things that ghosts do, and Christina starts to get worried that maybe Jesus won’t let her into heaven.

I’m not going to tell you what happens next because people who spoil movies are huge douchebags, but this movie was a good movie and I liked it a lot. Nicole and Christina do not get it on, which seems like a missed opportunity, but the mystery was good, and also, it’s a funny story because Alfred Hitchcock wanted to direct this movie, but because he was too fat he couldn’t run fast enough to the movie store, and they sold it to some French guy which is why you have to read this movie unless you speak French.

That is my review, and I hope that it is as good as Albert’s, even though I didn’t use the word “cinematography.” [Editor’s note: You just did]





[Rex Hawthorne is a surfer from Canada. His hobbies are collecting vintage pinups, playing Xbox and dentistry.]

To hear more of our thoughts on Diabolique check out Episode 174 of the Human Echoes Podcast.