WASHINGTON–President Obama used his State of the Union speech last night to lay out an ambitious agenda for the final two years of his term, planning to capitalize on the Democrats’ massive gains in the 2014 midterm elections.

“With my huge veto-proof majorities in both houses of Congress, we can enact sweeping legislation that will reshape American society for the better,” said Obama. “If the American people didn’t support a progressive agenda, they wouldn’t have given us their votes last November.”

The President’s proposals on education, taxes, and regulation were widely expected. Less anticipated was his proposal to “plant one square in Ted Cruz’s kisser,” although instant polls suggested this initiative had the most popular backing of anything mentioned in his speech.

Closing on a strong note, Obama promised that “the next two years will make it look like we did nothing in the last two years.” Checking his notes, he then clarified that he had indeed done nothing in the last two years.

Midway through his address, the President asked aides if they could get him “a meatball sub, about yea big.”