So I went to see this Jackie Chan movie that has been out almost a month called The Foreigner. Chan plays a poor bereaved Chinese ex-patriot whose daughter gets killed by an IRA bomb. It is set in the current day, so this is a joke. Enter Pierce Brosnan as a boring corporate IRA boardroom type guy (talk about boring settings). Brosnan does every scene with 15 white thugs, and fills a ridiculous stereotype that if you have an Irish accent, you are therefor either in the mob or you are a cop. The other good guy besides Chan is a black embassy officer, and it becomes clear early in the film that white people are evil. Also its obvious about five minutes in that Brosnan is the bad guy, and his little act pretending to be Mr. Reformed Bomber Guy is a fail.

To make matters worse, there must have been some kind of popcorn promotion at the theatre I attended. As the trailers about AMC’s shitty soda and popcorn proceeded, fat slob whites and Mexicans surrounded me like the Alamo, with loud slobbering sounds of buttery cholesterol death and straw slurping corn syrup clogging.

My girlfriend simultaneously decided to start browbeating me regarding relationship bullshit. I was forced to relocate to a less odorous, less slobbery section (near the exit). But slobs proceeded to stake positions around me and took my seat as I got up for 5 seconds for fresh air and recomposing. At this point (which was about twelve minutes into the film) I felt I would have to vomit if I stayed in this disgusting theatre.

As I went outside Mexican families waddled by with disgusting filled popcorn boxes the size of their upper frame, while towing two extra plastic bags (each) of even more enormous popcorn. This was truly shocking and nauseating. It was like Day of the Popcorn. These people were fucking popcorn zombies I am telling you.

So I went to the front counter and told them the crowd was disgusting and chewing more popcorn than I had ever seen in my entire life. And I was able to get a full refund.