March 24, 2015

It's common for younger siblings to prefer the company of their older sibling's friends, but is that a healthy relationship to foster in the long term? Melanie Hearse investigates.

Late last year my youngest slowly moved his social preference across to hanging with his older brother and his gang at lunch and recess. While it’s lovely they happily hang out and play together (though inexplicable that they can’t seem to do it at home without bickering), it’s a bit of a problem for building solid friendships with his own peers – something we all need as we go through school.

Is it worth the worry?

Absolutely, says Kirrilie Smout, a clinical psychologist that specialises in working with kids and teens.

“It’s not uncommon for younger siblings to enjoy hanging out with their older sibling and their friends at school – after all, they probably see them around the house on playdates or other group events, and they may develop some older tastes from spending a lot of time with their older sibling, so kids their own age may seem less interesting. Spending time with them at school in itself is not anything to worry about, but it shouldn't be ignored when they hang out with the older kids to the exclusion of their own peer group.”

As you can imagine, kids that play together form stronger bonds – not just in the playground when big bro and his friend have your youngest's entertainment needs covered, but also in the classroom.

This can mean come group or partner activity time, your younger child may be left til last to find a partner, and this can dent their confidence. There may also come a time when their older brother or sister graduates, and you’re left with a lonely younger child who feels they've missed the boat with forming friendship in his or her own year group.

Being exposed to inappropriate concepts or activities is another potential concern – what is OK for the older sibling may not be for your youngest child.

The reasons they do it isn't such a concern, though – Kirrilie says older siblings friends feel like less of a risk, which is especially appealing to shy kids, or those that find it hard to make friends themselves.

“They may also find they have more in common with the older kids as children often play to the interest to the older child at home – they will probably play the same computer games and watch the same TV shows at home. This may mean they find the kids in their class that don’t have older siblings don’t share many of their interests, while their older siblings friends do.”

Help, that is my child!

So what do you do? First up, you need to talk to them about the importance of having friends their own age, though that is unlikely to fix the problem by itself – kids think in the now, and right now, they are happy and have friends, albeit older ones!

“To be successful in moving them away, you need to set firm limits and expectations, and it will mean a little extra time at the school yourself. Explain that they can hang out with their brother or sister and their mates a certain amount of time each week – say every second lunchtime – but they must play with kids their own age all other times. Then you need to facilitate them making friends in their own class by setting up playdates or other activities after school with their new friends,” says Kirrilie.

It is also a good idea to identify what interests they share with the children in their own age group, and focus their attention on them when they are hanging out – it could even be floated as a bonus as they probably get talked (or railroaded) out of playing these games by their older siblings that have grown out of them.

Last but not least, Kirrilie says teachers can also be of assistance if you talk to them about your concerns. “If the teachers know what’s happening and what steps you are taking, they may be able to help with making sure your child gets to work with the kids he’s having playdates with, or that they get to go off and do jobs together.”

Do you have a younger child that insists on hanging out with their older brother or sister and their friends? How do you handle it?

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