In a perfect world, we should be waking up on this Tuesday morning, making ourselves a cup of Black Rifle Coffee, and mocking the one or two big losers from the Iowa caucuses. Instead, it's the entire Iowa Democratic Party being ridiculed. No one knows who won. No one knows who lost. We don't even have a single result as of this writing, though it's assumed the top two are Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg (see Trump on Bernie: I Think He’s a Communist [VIDEO] and Pete Buttigieg to Pro-Life Democrat: This Ain’t Your Party Anymore [VIDEO]).

MSNBC's Chris Matthews, however, is ready to declare a winner. I'll give you a few hints: Blonde hair, orange complexion, showed a remarkable amount of self-restraint in tweeting on Monday night.

"The guy in the White House ..." You mean President Trump? I'm pretty sure he means President Trump. "... is chuckling all night here, showing the Democrats can't even get a three-car funeral organized or whatever you want to call it. I would say to the people of Iowa, 'Will the last person leaving Des Moines please turn out the lights?' This has not been a success."

No, Chris Matthews. No, it has not. The Iowa Democrat Party had one job. Not only did it only have one job, but it also had over four years to prepare for that one job. People vote or flip coins, apparently. People count the results. We're given the information in a timely fashion. Instead, the only thing we know about Iowa is that Trump won his caucus with over 97% of the vote.

Take your time, Iowa Democrats!