Contrary to popular belief, not all car scribes had dads who raced Porsches. A good many of us waited much longer than we’d care to admit to be exposed to the cool cars of the world. We’ve done more than our fair share of time behind the wheels of beat-up New Yorkers and hand-me-down family haulers.

So we know how it feels when you’re choking on your own fumes at a stoplight and along comes something rowdy: maybe a Mustang or a WRX, paint gleaming, motor rumbling, driver grinning. The light turns green, and you know the rest.

But wouldn’t it be funny if you could actually keep up? Imagine the surprise on that sports car driver’s face when what seemed like an ordinary vehicle produced an extraordinary run. Oh, savory indeed is that brand of automotive irony.

And this sort of irony is the thrust behind this article, in which we have paired one traditionally hot car with one whose driver has a little secret—the kind that’ll have the other driver shaking his head (and maybe his middle finger) in disbelief when they meet again at the next light. All performance statistics quoted in the following pages were recorded by Car and Driver test gear.

View Photos JORDAN BROWN , AARON KILEY, THE MANUFACTURERS

Toyota Camry V-6 vs. Subaru Impreza WRX

There are many reasons we love Subarus, and the WRX is one of them. An unassuming Impreza on the outside, but a turbocharged, 224-hp rocket on the inside, it is more than a little bit ironic all by itself. Indeed, with a 0-to-60 time of 5.8 seconds, it has that sneaky sort of quickness that catches muscle car drivers unaware in impromptu stoplight wars.

But it’s going to be the WRX driver who’ll be surprised when the driver of an even less assuming, nearly full-size Toyota Camry V-6 runs nose to nose with the much smaller WRX through 60 mph and all the way to the quarter-mile mark.

Add in the fact that the Camry V-6 is available with many top-dollar features not available on the WRX, has far more upscale size and interior design, and has a base price that’s nearly $1000 less, and the Camry is a whopper of a stealth-speed bargain.

Toyota Camry V-6 -- Subaru Impreza WRX

0–60: 5.8 seconds -- 0–60: 5.8 seconds

1/4: 14.3 @ 93 mph -- 1/4: 14.4 @ 95 mph

View Photos JORDAN BROWN , AARON KILEY, THE MANUFACTURERS

Cadillac Escalade vs. Mini Cooper S

We’ve constantly celebrated the spastic Mini Cooper S for offering big performance surprises in a small, efficient package. But an even bigger surprise comes in one of the biggest packages around: the behemoth Cadillac Escalade.

Yes, as speedy as the 2700-pound Cooper S is, the 5700-pound Escalade is just as quick, trailing Mini’s diminutive demon by only 0.1 second to 60 mph but beating the Cooper S by 0.2 second to the quarter-mile mark. Indeed, for a big gal, this Caddy can boogie.

Of course, both get their grunt from powerplants that are as antithetical as the wrappers they arrive in. The Cooper S’s high-tech, 1.6-liter engine uses a turbocharger to put a “bang” in “four-banger,” whereas the Escalade employs a brutal, old-school 403-hp, 6.2-liter V-8 that sucks down more than twice the fuel. Furthermore, if anything remotely resembling a curve turns up in the middle of that quarter-mile run, David will eat Goliath for lunch.

Still, we think even the concept of drag-racing a Cooper S against an Escalade is downright cartoonish fun. Disagree? Check out the video.

Cadillac Escalade -- Mini Cooper S

0–60: 6.3 seconds -- 0–60: 6.2 seconds

1/4: 14.8 @ 95 mph -- 1/4: 15.0 @ 95 mph

View Photos JORDAN BROWN , AARON KILEY, THE MANUFACTURERS

Infiniti FX50 vs. Ford Mustang Bullitt

Infiniti claims that the idea behind the original Infiniti FX was the concept of a “bionic cheetah.” The result was a seriously muscular SUV that, if you squinted, looked vaguely cheetah-like but was undeniably bionic in its ability to go fast.

The brand-new, second-generation FX is even more muscular, particularly in FX50 form, and now it can keep pace with one of the most iconic versions of the most iconic pony car around, the 315-hp Ford Mustang Bullitt. Yep, even though the FX50 is a 4600-pound five-seater that can haul a small family to a ballet recital, its 5.0-liter V-8 pumps out 390 horsepower and 369 pound-feet of torque, thus bestowing it with acceleration that’s truly cheetah-like.

The FX50 can match the Stang’s five-flat 0-to-60 hustle and 13.6-second quarter-mile. Furthermore, it can track true and flat in corners, so don’t think McQueen’s Mustang will lose it when the road gets twisty. In fact, add water, and watch the family trickster pull far and fast away from the Ford. Sorry, Steve—you’ve been served.

Infiniti FX50 -- Ford Mustang Bullitt

0–60: 5.0 seconds -- 0–60: 5.0 seconds

1/4: 13.6 @ 104 mph -- 1/4: 13.6 @ 104 mph

View Photos JORDAN BROWN , AARON KILEY, THE MANUFACTURERS

Toyota Tundra vs. BMW 328i

Talk about two vehicles on opposite ends of the spectrum: the sporty, sassy, prudently packaged, and perennial 10Best Cars–winning BMW 328i and the oversized, overwrought, utilitarian ladder-framed workhorse Toyota Tundra. You know which you’d want to drive in a drag race, right?

Think again, city slicker. If dem country boys were smart enough to order ’emselves a 381-hp, 5.7-liter V-8 turnin’ their Tundra’s rear wheels, that big-ass Tonka-yota will keep pace with the Bimmer all the way through the quarter-mile, which it hits in fewer than 15 seconds and at which point the 328i is finally starting to pull away. And although aerodynamics ensure that the Bimmer driver will ultimately win this race, it won’t have been by enough of a margin for him to outrun the humbling reality that a Texas-size truck stayed with him for a shockingly long time.

Maybe he should step up to the 300-hp 335i before he starts pickin’ on pickups again.

Toyota Tundra -- BMW 328i

0–60: 6.1 seconds -- 0–60: 6.1 seconds

1/4: 14.9 @ 94 mph -- 1/4: 14.8 @ 95 mph

View Photos JORDAN BROWN , AARON KILEY, THE MANUFACTURERS

Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG Wagon vs. Audi R8

Few sports cars at any price have garnered as much attention and accolade as the sexy, saucy, and very fast Audi R8. So imagine one being outgunned by a housewife in, of all things, a station wagon. That’s exactly what could happen with this über-fast and über-rare überwagen , the Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG.

Picture it: You’re at the wheel of your brand-new R8. A black Benz E-class pulls up, and the driver puts down her phone long enough to toss you a sideways glance over her latte followed by a nod to the horizon. Surely, she jests. An E-class against an R8? This should be easy, you think. As the light turns green, you notice the “6.3” badge on the fender and hear wheelspin. Uh-oh.

You get on it with all four wheels gripping. Your ears are pinned back as you blast to 60 in four seconds flat, neck and neck with the Benz. You hit 100 mph, and what’s this? She’s pulling away ! Then you start to get a view of the sheetmetal aft of the B-pillar: She’s in a station wagon ! A quarter-mile later, she’s still pulling away. At 130 mph, are those her kids laughing in the rear-facing jump seats? Within 23.5 seconds, she’s at 150, 1.2 seconds before you. Mercedes’ seven-passenger station wagon will outaccelerate the R8 all the way to its 155-mph governor . And now the driver is probably back on her pink Razr to tell her BFF all about it.

Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG wagon -- Audi R8

0–60: 4.0 seconds -- 0–60: 4.0 seconds

1/4: 12.5 @ 115 mph -- 1/4: 12.6 @ 113 mph

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