French EDM-pop superstar David Guetta has been hired by Queen Elizabeth as a consultant for this year’s pre-recorded Christmas message.

Guetta, considered by many as the world’s number one pre-recorder, was head hunted by the royals, who see his brand of falseness and irrelevance as tantamount to their own.

“David’s a jolly nice bloke and clearly has hair that’s worthy of any monarchy in the world,” explained royal family spokesperson Winston Archibold Percival Roberts III. “He also seems to be able to trick people into thinking he’s in some way important, a trick that royalty have mastered over the centuries, so in many ways Mr. Guetta is a perfect match to work with Her Royal Highness.”

“Although everyone knows the Queen’s Christmas message is pre-recorded, we want it to seem genuine, like she’s sitting there on Christmas morning actually speaking to the nation’s pensioners,” continued Roberts III. “Just like David’s DJ set, which again everyone knows are pre-recorded, yet he still manages to fill shows, where people pay to see him do the one thing he doesn’t do, DJ.”

“The guy is clearly very clever, if it weren’t for his common, French, piss blood you’d almost mistake him for a member of the British upperclass,” scoffed Roberts III through a mouth which resembled a rat’s arsehole.

“He’s only been working with us a couple of days and already he’s come up with a couple of ideas that will instantly make the message seem more authentic,” claimed Roberts III. “Like having the Queen record the message after drinking half a bottle of sherry or smearing her teeth with selection box chocolate. Things that normal peasants associate with Christmas morning.”

According to techno stalwart and “no bullshit” Facebook commenter Dave Clarke, Guetta’s appointment is “fucking ridiculous” and highlights how far removed from the underground scene the Frenchman has become.

“If the royal family want David Guetta they can have him,” remarked Clarke offhandedly. “They both hold a similar amount of relevance in today’s underground electronic music industry so I say good for them, at least if he’s consulting on the Queen’s Christmas message he won’t be inflicting any more of his Powederpuff Girls EDM claptrap on our ears. Which can only be a good thing.”