Dear sir/ madam,

When I say, it is anti-national sedition and all. But when you say, it is global geo-political, socio-economic and multi-national silappathikaram is it?

I am totally fed up.

Sir/madam, for the last 15 to 16 years I have been meeting my friend Mr. Balaraman for weekly ras malai and political discussions in a multi-cuisine restaurant near my house.

As I have written to you before, Balaraman is a nefarious fellow. Whether a retired public sector employee should be able to afford latest laptop computer, exorbitantly priced mobile phone and such and all items? But who am I to spread rumours. Maybe he was involved in corruption. I don’t care. It does not affect my life. Maybe money laundering? We should never spread such rumours. Maybe he was involved in some tenders and bidding fraud? I am minding my own business.

But this week it was a special meeting. For the last one month, Mr. Balaraman has been on a world tour of China, Japan, America, Europe and other countries. He has spent many lakhs of rupees on this. Maybe he is a smuggler? Who are we to speculate.

Too much demanding

Anyway, we met at the restaurant at sharp 6:00 pm. Immediately this fellow says, Mathrubootham instead of eating all these ras malai items, why don’t you buy one Fitbit like me and do some 5000 or 6000 steps per day?

Bloody fool. Last month who sat in this very same restaurant and had three pav bhaji in 15 minutes? Winston Churchill or you? And now just because you went to London and Tokyo for two days and got one watch that looks like a 50 paisa eclair you have become Baba Ramdev is it? But I didn’t say anything.

And then he started talking about his travels. I was eagerly waiting.

Sir/madam, till last month Mr. Balaraman would get very upset if I said anything good about any other country.

I will say, ‘oh look China has new bullet train’ and he will immediately get emotional. What train? There is no train! It is all cardboard train they are taking photo and doing Photoshop and sending it to media.

All communist lies and cheating. Also wait till Indian bullet train is coming in just one year.

I will say, ‘oh my god, in Wales there is a beautiful national park,’ and immediately he will make face like Krur Singh in Chandrakantha and scream what you are talking about colonial imperialist countries like Wales and all when we have Sikkim, Arunachal Pradesh, Himachal Pradesh, Assam and many other beautiful places. Mr. Mathrubootham whether you are proud Indian citizen or some spy for enemy countries trying to demoralise everybody?

Flowing out

Sir/madam, now look how much there has been turning of the tables.

So I asked him casually, ‘how is China?’ And then I held menu in front of me because when he gets excited, Mr. Balaraman’s mouth is like Vrindavan Garden Musical Fountain of saliva.

This fellow says: ‘Oh Mathru, China and all is 30 or 40 years ahead of India.’

Excuse me? Why you are talking such seditious things.

He replied that only insecure countries talk like that. India and all apparently has to do a lot of improvements before we can have infrastructure like China, civic sense like Japan and widespread alcoholic drinking facilities like U.K..

Sir/madam, I wanted to get up and do one dappankuthu in front of the fool with hip thrust. When I said the same thing you got angry. But now when you spent black money on world tour you have become scholar of reform.

Sir/madam, it is easy to sit in Anna Nagar and think India is greatest country in the world. Go and see what other people are doing before talking all this patriotic nonsense.

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham