ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

IN A THINLY-VEILED attempt at telling every woman he has on social media that he now exercises, a 29-year-old Brisbane legal profession said he can’t wait to start rooting again, using his soon-to-be chiselled body as a potent sexual weapon, which none of them are going to be able to resist.

Concluding that the lack of physical intimacy and sexual contact in his life was due to his negative body image and not the obvious short-comings in his personality, Miles Petunia agrees that the grass can only get greener from here on in.

“Christmas is hard on any person’s body, especially when you’re genetically predisposed to putting on weight like me,” said Petunia.

“But in a few weeks, you know, because it’s only like a 1-2 inch layer of puppy fat that I’m working with now, I will be going to town on some chick and it will be all time.”

Mr Petunia’s story is not dissimilar to those of other young professional men around the country.

Instagram is fast becoming media for self-advertisement. Especially the Story function of the app, which was added midway through last year.

In just a matter of seconds, a snippet of your life can be broadcast to each person you trust to view you at your absolute best.

It’s a disturbing trend that was first outlined in a research paper published by the University of Melbourne late last year. In the report, the team was able to establish that Instagram story is now as important as MSN used to be for previous generations.

“MSN messenger was the most important technical advancement in adolescent communication since the telephone,” said lead researcher Professor Gary Clark.

“Before that, a boy had to call a young lady’s house and speak to a parent before they finally were able to get a word in. Now all you have to do is make a Insta Story of you running next to a rising sun on Monday morning and you’re pretty much guaranteed a chop on Saturday night,”

“What a time to be alive.”