On this episode Season One Stassi jumped the fuck out. Let’s see what she’s been up to.

photo courtesy of @stassischroeder

Stassi’s mom and brother are paying her a visit so that they can attend her book signing for Next Level Basic. Stassi’s brother has grown a lot. Holy shit. Stassi talks about how her mom went on a psychotic fucking rampage against her last year and how she’s glad they’re back in each other’s good graces. I mean Stassi got it from somewhere, right? They hadn’t talked for a year and her brother says they should have had a private conversation a long time ago. Is he fucking adopting or something? Where the fuck did he get his common sense from? She asks her brother if he read her book, especially the part about her losing her virginity. LOL. I love this bitch. Beau Beau read it and obviously wish he hadn’t. He is a fucking trooper.

Everybody Loves SheShu —

NKOTB Dayna and Charli are prepping for their shift at SUR. Charli lies and says she’s never had pasta before in her fucking life. Okay. She says she has this “theory” that it makes you gain weight and Dayna informs her that that’s the point of carbs. Is this bitch really going to make me like Dayna? Ugh. Danica comes in and introduces herself. She says she’s heard a lot of great things about Charli and not shit about Dayna. In her confessional, Dayna calls Charlie a “mini Scheana” and makes fun of the fact that they both take selfies and wear Filas Dino Stompers. Fuck that was funny. I’m starting to tolerate Dayna. Danica explains that they haven’t seen her because she got suspended for a week because she pushed her boyfriend for asking for a threesome. Girl power. Scheana arrives and brags about the fact that she going to meet up with Max and Dayna makes an excuse to leave.

LVP arrives and Scheana fills her in on her Max drama. Scheana says that he’s basically putting on for the cameras when it comes to who pursued who. She is absolutely right. Also let’s just go ahead and point out that not only is Max a dick, he’s a racist dick. Hopefully they’ll be cutting a lot of him and Brett’s scenes so we don’t have to fucking look at them. Scheana admits she has a crush on Brett and says she doesn’t want to date him but immediately starts crying. Girl get your shit together. Still love you though, SheShu.

Sandoval, Jax, Max the Racist Dick, Brett the Misogynistic Racist, and precious Beau Beau all meet up for drinks. They all start to talk about Scheana and she miraculously begins texting MTRD. MTRD goes on a spill about how Scheana was suffocating her and basically wants to have a baby. This is so annoying to watch. I wish better people were cast. Sandoval brings up Stassi’s book signing party that’s being hosted at TomToms. Sandoval is annoyed that Stassi didn’t come to him which I guess she should have since he owns 5 fucking percent of TT. Oh wait. She doesn’t fucking have to Sandoval.

All of a sudden SheShu pops up and takes MTRD away from the guys. We really do love a good pop up. She basically tells MTRD that he owes her a lot of respect considering the fact that his fucking storyline is all about her. This bitch then pulls out her phone and exposes the fuck out of him by reading all of the sappy text messages he sent her. LOL. I really love Scheana this season. He has nothing to say and this makes me so fucking happy. She calls him a fuckboy and he agrees. Not only is he a fuckboy, he’s also a racist and a dick.

Mayweather v Pacquiao —

LVP reads Stassi’s book but best of all she reads the part about how Stassi lost her virginity with a full fucking bush. LOL. I need a copy of this fucking book ASAP. LVP and Ken discuss Brittany and Jax’ upcoming wedding and they cannot believe that Jax is actually getting married. No one can. I will say I do believe they will last a long time. I have faith no pun intended in them. Okay fuck that was too good.

Back at Stassi’s apartment, she tells Beau Beau about how she received a shit load of drunken rage text from Sandoval. He threatens to kick Stassi THE FUCK out of TT if she tries to pull some shit on him and Schwartz. Beau Beau thinks it’s because of James, since he and Sandoval were out last night, but Stassi knows it’s just Sandoval being Sandoval. Sandoval has never liked Stassi and that’s not really new information for day one viewers. The problem is that they’re too much alike. Battle of the basic bitches let’s commence.

SHESHU SHESHU SHESHU!!!!! —

Scheana and Danica are at Scheana’s apartment and Danica tells her that her ex, who caused her to he suspended for a week, gave her 1300 dollars as an apology for getting her suspended. She obviously took the fucking money and fucked him right after. So far she is my favorite NKOTB. We shall now call her City Girl Danica. Charli arrives and Scheana tells the girls about her conversation with MTRD. Scheana thinks she he should basically feed Dayna to some fucking sharks and give her all of his attention. I’m all for this plan.

Dayna and BTMR are discussing their training with Nathalie. Nathalie leave and they start to discuss the difference in being trained by Scheana. BTMR tells Dayna for some fucking reason that he friend-zoned Scheana. He then lies and says that Scheana crashed boys night when in fact she was invited. I love screenshots. I really fucking love screenshots.

Scheana and Dayna have a talk in the back of SUR, like the good ole days, and tries to get some clarity in this whole love not really a love triangle triangle. I’m already over this shit but basically MTRD is going to each girl and telling them the same thing. Typical fuckboy behavior. Scheana warns Dayna to watch out. How about neither of you date this piece of shit and become friends? No? Okay.

Next Level Brawl —

Stassi’s book signing party is here and it’s time for the showdown of the season. Stassi points out how she’s never had someone talk to her the way Sandoval talked to her which is a fucking lie and Schwartz points out that Sandoval is in the ER because he got bit by a spider. LOL. What the fuck. The editors turn James and Sandoval’s night into a comic book strip and I cannot even tell you how much we all need to appreciate the absolute fuck out of these editors.

Jax and Brittany arrive and Brittany points out in real time how Jax is allowed to have strippers at his bachelor party. In confessional time, they go back and forth about how Jax will and will not be put on a leash after the wedding. Again let’s appreciate the absolute fuck out of these editors. They work hard.

The book signing begins and I just have to say I am so proud of her. She really has turned this whole show into her own empire. I appreciate her growth but fuck I miss Season One Stassi.

Sandoval arrives, villain music in tow, and immediately starts going in about how pissed he is at Stassi. On some points, if you’ve ever worked at a restaurant, he is right but since everything went smoothly he needs to chill the fuck out. Katie points out that Sandoval is upset because he isn’t getting the attention Stassi is. On every fucking point she is right. All of a sudden Season One Stassi jumps the fuck out and rips Sandoval a new fucking asshole. Everything she said to him is literally what she is but I don’t give a fuck because I’ve missed Stassi yelling at people.

Schwartz tries to get Sandoval to understand but Sandoval is not trying to hear this shit right now. Sandoval leaves and brings up how he’s an owner and feels slighted by Stassi. Dude you own 5% of TT. You literally own one of the fucking T’s on the sign and that’s about it.

Katie and Schwartz are packing for Miami and Schwartz lets her know that he has to go and have a talk with Sandoval about what happened at the book signing. Good luck with that Schwartz you cute little man child you. Before he goes over, we see that Ken gets a call from Sandoval telling him that Stassi yelled at him at TT in front of all the customers. LVP is annoyed and wants to get down to the bottom of it. I would leave this one alone LVP unless you just want to be really fucking annoyed.

Schwartz arrives at Sandoval’s house and they discuss what happened at the book signing. Sandoval, thinking like a real manager, explains how much trouble this could have been for TT. Since it wasn’t any trouble at all, shut the fuck up Sandoval. Sandoval is really upset about Stassi saying that he’s jealous he is and bans Stassi from TT. She might kill him. I am really horny excited now.

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