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Senior Coalition figures are trying to contain the rumours that everything has fallen to shit since they all arrived back in Parliament last week.

Cabinet minister Christopher Pyne has rejected a suggestion Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton could be considering a leadership tilt, as was suggested by Ray Hadley last week in an attempt to change the subject from his police officer’s son’s cocaine habit.

The Daily Telegraph newspaper, who are also keen to see Turnbull replaced by a scarier conservative, reported Mr Dutton was being urged to “seize the leadership from Malcolm Turnbull within weeks on a policy platform of lower immigration and cheaper energy bills”.

Speaking to The Betoota Advocate today, The Member For Dickson, Peter Dutton, says he hasn’t felt this kind of absolute power since he was a highway cop in Brisbane’s Northside.

“It was a feeling I never thought I’d experience again” he told our reporters.

“Not even after being given the right to decide which asylum seekers live or die did I feel this kind of all encompassing power” he said.

“But right now, with an entire government waiting on my every word… It takes me back to when I was pointing a radar gun at poor commuters rushing to work on the Bruce Highway”

“Watching someone self-immolate in one of your detention centres is one thing, but to watch a man as wealthy and well-spoken as Malcolm Turnbull kneel before you in complete vulnerability. This is the shit that makes me feel alive”

When asked if we was actually going to have a crack at leadership, Peter Dutton immediately questioned our reporter on whether or not they’d been drinking, before demanding to see some ID.