by Jordan Zakarin

Eschewing the tradition established by spiritual leader Ronald Reagan of fabricating demeaning stories and perpetuating racial stereotypes, the Republican Party on Thursday lashed out after a middle aged black man declined a substantial government handout.

“It’s an insult to the droves and droves of people who do accept that money, who take advantage of what the system is offering,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan. “What is he, too good for that money? Here we are, trying to make sure the playing field is even, no one has an advantage over anyone else, and he says ‘thanks but no thanks.’ This isn’t the America I know and love.”

Duncan was just one of many GOP leaders to hit out at the grossly unappreciative African American. One top House staffer remarked that the man could have bought “so many darn Cadillacs” with the money, but “apparently that just wasn’t enough.”

“Here we have absurdly rich white men, playing within the rules, Medicare working so well for them. And this guy goes and declines our giveaways,” the staffer continued. “We designed the system to work, and it worked so well for so long. Now, this black [sic] guy wants to actually try to get ahead, have more than what the government is offering?

“Looks like, when we get control of Congress again, we’ll have to really increase the amount that the federal government gives out, to bring them back into the system, make sure no matter how much more potential you have, you stay on the same level as everyone else.”

Perhaps most outraged by the African American’s refusal to take advantage of the government’s money was syndicated radio show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been vocal for years about his disdain for those who participated in the welfare state. Now, he concentrated his ire on the man’s willingness to actually work for every dime he earned.

“The audacity of this man, to get on the road and work every day to pay his bills and reach his dreams, it enrages me,” Limbaugh commented during his show on Thursday. “Folks, America is under siege, and those of you in a certain twenty two states that are currently polling two candidates within five points of each other in the Presidential race and have either large African American populations or voters dissatisfied with the economy, you’ll soon feel the impact of this affront to the tried and true American welfare system.”

Limbaugh became impassioned as the rant went on, continuing until he was nearly in tears. “It’s just not fair. Now guys like me are going to have to work extra hard, more than ever, to make sure those the playing field is even, thanks to those ingrates.”