This photo of Kirk Cameron’s sad birthday remains one of the best viral images in the internet’s history. It eases my discomfort for what I’m about to admit. We all have regrets in life, right? One of my first regrets is having a crush on Kirk Cameron during junior high. I lived for my weekly shot of Kirk’s curly mullet on Growing Pains. It was a short-lived fascination. Towards the end of the program’s run, Bop! magazine’s gossip columns revealed that Kirk tried to convert all his costars to the Pritikin diet. That was my first clue about Kirk’s militant attitude regarding all things Kirk. What he says goes, and — especially when it comes to religion — there are no exceptions, or one shall be declared a heathen.

Kirk has somehow carved out a career starring (often alongside his sister, Candice Cameron Bure) in Evangelical-friendly movies. Kirk is super religious and refuses to even kiss another woman besides his wife in a movie. Even though he’s an actor. He’s also declared war on homosexuality by calling it “unnatural, detrimental, and ultimately destructive.” He then got all upset about the reaction to his hatred. Kirk said he was being “slandered” even though he’s the intolerant one.

Kirk’s upped the ante. I took notice a few weeks ago when he gave a speech saying that the Christian church should clean up its act before pointing fingers at others. He said that “fornicators and adulterers” are more of a threat to the church than gay marriage. This was surprising, and I didn’t cover it because Kirk sounded sort of sane. I didn’t want to cheer for him.

Kirk has swiftly reclaimed his status as a judgy evangelical. It didn’t take long. Kirk is starring in a new infomercial for the Alliance Defending Freedom. I stupidly visited their Facebook page and got sucked into a vortex of hate. This video is all about how gays (and abortionists) are attacking the rights of Christians simply because they exist. Kirk’s extremist brand of Christianity believes they are being oppressed because they’re not allowed to oppress the heathens. Kirk assures his audience, “I’m here to tell you, this is a war we can win.” The video is pretty long and boring, Kirk’s crazy attitude on gay marriage comes in at the 20-minute mark. Then he asks for money for the cause.

I can’t even imagine how Kirk feels entitled to think this way, but he does. It must take an awful lot of energy to dream up ways to declare war on people who pose no threat to anyone’s safety or freedom.

Oh hey. Here’s vintage Leo DiCaprio on Growing Pains with Kirk. Leo looks like heaven these days compared to crazy Kirk.