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THERESA May will use today’s visit to Northern Ireland as an opportunity to propose a number of as-yet-untested solutions to the thorny border situation, including the construction of some death-defying ramps that would allow cars to cross back and forth between the Republic and the North in the style of 80s good ol’ boys the Dukes of Hazzard.

“We can easily do without the backstop if we just have a little faith in motorist’s abilities to jump gorges,” stated May, during a Powerpoint presentation of daring car stunts.

“From Knight Rider to Smokey & The Bandit, cars in the 80s were rarely on the fucking ground. I don’t see why with the motoring advances we have today, a car couldn’t get from Dundalk to Newry with enough hang-time to make it basically a flight, thus negating the need for a land border”.

With time running out before Britain leaves the EU and the prospect of a no-deal situation growing daily, May responded to criticism of her Boss Hogg-avoiding scheme by lashing out at the Irish government.

“By ridiculing my Duke Boys scheme, the Irish government has shown once again that they have no interest in helping us leave the EU,” fumed May, as her supporters grew louder around her.

“Well, if they want a hard border, they’ll get a hard border. They can never say that Britain didn’t do their part to suggest a plausible solution to the problem. Fuck Leo Varadkar, fuck Angela Merkel, and fuck the rest of them. We’ve done our best, you come up with a solution. May out”.

The prime minister was unavailable for comment, having jumped through the window of an orange Dodge Charger with DUP slogans all over it before peeling away.