HAVERFORD, PA—Revealing the correlation between personal belongings and mental well-being, researchers at Haverford University published a study Thursday confirming that happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once a family owns seven ziplines. “Conventional wisdom says that the more ziplines a family owns or can access, the happier that family will be. However, our findings suggest that simply isn’t true,” said head researcher Dr. Emily Stewart, observing that once participants had sufficient zipline availability to give them a sense of security, diminishing returns would set in with each additional zipline installed, in some cases rendering them no happier than they were before acquiring ziplines. “There’s a sudden quantitative plateau of ziplines at which point the ziplining brain ceases to produce endorphins. One may experience perfect happiness with just a single zipline running down your stairwell, and perhaps another connecting your bedroom window to the hammock. Some people might not want to hear this, but owning several 400-foot ziplines will not add significant value to your life. Unfortunately, most participants felt that if seven ziplines were good, eight would be even better, and they wound up with ropes and harnesses that they never even used.” Stewart noted that the study revealed a significant bump in suicide rates among people owning more than 13 ziplines.

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