Banned!

In an effort to align itself with politically correct, nanny-state policies aimed at protecting people from themselves, and making life itself completely idiot-proof, top level Information Dissemination Officers at Lizard Juice, LLC, an electronic cigarette online, and B & M retailer, based in Pinellas County, Florida, have endorsed all regulations, red-tape, and fearmongering aimed at extremely fatal products such as tomatoes, eggplant, lithium-ion batteries, coffee . . .

Oh . . . and joy.

Yesterday, in the vapor-filled backroom of their local Wingnut House eatery, Lizard Juice executives decided to throw their collective weight (about 1,050 pounds soaking wet, in their birthday suits) behind any effort to facilitate governmental overreach -- especially if it concerns individual choice in matters which can be made to seem harmful. But really aren’t.

After it was explained to them that dissemination actually meant a sort of dispersal not necessarily related to a procreative bodily function, the Lizard Juice Information Dissemination Officers produced a list of the top ten items they would like to see banned. Three of Lizard Juice’s officers, James Walburton, Marcus Aurelius, and Gary Cary (redacted information), refused to relinquish their titles of Insemination Officers, but that’s another story . . .

Reproduced here, in its entirety, is Lizard Juice’s list. To wit (or witless if you prefer):

If Every Day Was Bloomsberg Day --Top Ten Items We Would Like To Ban.

1. Tomatoes.

These seemingly innocuous fruits (or are they vegetables? Who cares? They’re fatal.) contain nicotine. This fact has been cleverly kept from the public by the pizza and salsa industries. Nicotine is an extremely poisonous and addictive substance. Lizard Juice executives agreed that the fact nicotine is poisonous only in high doses not normally found in products such as tomatoes should have no bearing on whether or not tomatoes should be banned.

2. Eggplant.

See “Tomatoes”. Blame the Eggplant Parmigiana and Ratatouille industries for burying information on the dangers of eggplant. Eggplant is a member of the nightshade family, which is like saying it’s a member of the night soil family. Yuck! Ban it!





3. Lithium-ion batteries.

Lithium-ion batteries can explode; a lot of smoke and fire results in airplanes, when you have your cell phone on your ear, and when your toddler is watching Telly Tubbies on their iPad.

The inherent dangers of lithium-ion batteries are due to a lot of technical reasons that we won’t get into here.

You can increase the chances of your batteries exploding by:

using cheap batteries,

stacking them one atop another,

and/or charging them in the wrong adaptor,

and/or using the battery with the wrong appliance.

So if you want your battery to explode in your face, or on your posterior if you are really hot and have put your cell phone in your back pocket -- the risk is there. Lizard Juice Information Dissemination officers don’t want you to be able to relish taking that risk, and so voted to ban lithium-ion batteries. End of discussion.

4. Flavored E-Juice.

Flavors of e-juice like Pure Joy and Mint Chocolate Chip are attractive to people, and delicious. This is reason enough to ban them.

Interesting, fun, and great-to-vape e-juice flavors overlap with anything enjoyable, and so are also banned under the category of “Joy” (see below).

The fact that adults enjoy flavors in their coffee, chewing gum, ice cream, soft drinks and most things in general does nothing to alter the fact that flavored e-juice should be banned. Rather than not banning flavored e-juice, Lizard Juice executives suggested banning all flavored everything.

5. Anti-Freeze E-Juice.

Lizard Juice officials were alarmed that e-juice contained anti-freeze. When it was explained to them that propylene glycol (the base, along with vegetable glycerin of most e-juices) was actually a harmless substance that was put into anti-freeze to make it less toxic, the executives plugged their ears and hummed the “Battle Hymn of the Republic”, while one Jeb Meysterklaus (redacted information) screamed “Lies! Lies!” and threw himself out of the whitewashed back window of Wingnut House. Having lost their quorum, Lizard Juice executives voted to ban anti-freeze e-juice anyway.

6. Addictions of Any Kind.

Lizard Juice officials were delighted to find a basis upon which to ban any enjoyable activity that an adult might engage in on regular basis. This list includes, but is not limited to:

consuming soft drinks,

taking the cinnamon challenge,

watching random YouTube vids,

wearing manpurses,

Googling yourself,

cow-tipping,

and eating your kid’s Halloween candy.

7. Coffee.

Many, if not most adults enjoy coffee. Coffee contains the dangerous, addictive substance caffeine; hence it falls under both categories "joy" (see below), and "anything addictive".

8. Public Health Officials.

Lizard Juice’s official position is:

Public health officials shall not be banned if they are indeed not acting in the interest of public health, but rather are protecting a vested interest such as Big Pharma, and discouraging an actually non-harmful activity such as using e-cigs.

9. Michael Bloomberg.

Lizard Juice’s official position is that Michael Bloomberg shall not be banned so long as he continues to perpetuate a nanny-state sensibility of protecting the public from themselves by removing any choice an adult with average intelligence can make on their own with no governmental interference.

10. Joy.

Obvious choice for banning.

11. Oh, and Italian Greyhounds.

They’re not gray. They don’t speak Italian, and they steal food. Enough said.

For further information about what needs banning, and how to properly ban things, visit a Lizard Juice electronic cigarette store in Seminole, St. Pete, Clearwater, Dunedin, Wesley Chapel, Lakeland, and (soon to be in) Tampa, Florida. Lizard Juice is also in Birmingham, Alabama.

Lizard Juice resellers are located all over the place. Visit our website store locator map to get the nearest location to you. You can always call us at 727 772 7800, or post a comment or question on our Facebook page.

Davanna is a blogger for Lizard Juice. Connect with her at Davanna on Google+