Society tells us only women with small boobs should go braless, says Chidera Eggerue, but it’s how you feel about it that matters

I’m in my early 20s and don’t have a lot of body confidence, something that began at puberty. When I dress in certain clothes, my mother makes comments about me needing more support for my chest (I’m nine stone and a size 34F). My friends and siblings have also made comments about me seeking attention, but when I wear less, it’s because of the hot weather. I was thinking about going braless the other day because I wanted to wear a strappy dress, but I felt so uncomfortable and vulnerable without a bra that I chickened out. What can I do?

I can totally relate to your experiences. I discovered from about 15 that I had saggy boobs, and remember going to the high street and feeling frustrated that none of the bras would fit.

While our bodies are strong, resilient entities, it’s OK to need a bit of help – especially if you have big boobs and a small frame. So please don’t think that wearing a bra is a bad thing. But if going braless is something you’re keen to try, I suggest you start by first wearing bras without padding, and then without underwiring, and then thinner and thinner straps and fabric until you’re wearing no bra at all. It took me time to grow into my current brave and bold self.

Sadly, women often receive unsolicited remarks, even from those we love the most. I find your mother’s stance fascinating, but I’m not surprised. She reminds me a lot of my own mother. Keep in mind that our parents are of a different generation, in which conversations about body confidence were not commonplace. Our mothers were conditioned to believe that there’s only one way to be a woman and anybody who falls outside of that is shame-worthy; she’s learning.

When it comes to your friends, anyone who makes you doubt yourself is someone you should try to spend less time with. Friends should encourage you to be yourself more, not less.

In a patriarchal world where women are viewed as products rather than people, we are told that there is a particular type of woman who deserves love and safety. She is slim, perky and polite and seeks permission from other people to be herself. But you deserve to live a life that neglects the male gaze and focuses on what is most important: how you feel about yourself.

When people stare, it can leave you feeling vulnerable or scared. But I can assure you that those who look do so out of curiosity rather than disgust. You cannot control how others view you and it’s important to remember that those who are the most critical of others tend to be insecure in themselves. I want you to remember that your purpose transcends desirability. You are here to live a full life.

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You may be put in situations where you are blamed for having the body you do, or feel the need to explain yourself. Don’t. I’ve learned to separate myself from other people’s nonsense. If my boobs aren’t harming anyone, why shouldn’t I wear an outfit that makes me feel proud of my body? Society tells us it’s only OK to go braless if your boobs are small; if they are big, slut-shaming is commonplace. But while I used to run away from deep plunge tops out of fear, I now go for them first. I do use double-sided tape to keep clothes in place, though; it’s invisible and highly recommended if you’ve got big boobs and don’t want anything falling out.

Ultimately, nobody has the right to tell you how to love your body, which is more than just a collection of cells and functions. It is home to a remarkable, intelligent young woman. It is a witness to all the wonderful things you have ever encountered. How you look is the least important thing; never underestimate the importance of your presence.

When I catch myself feeling negative about my boobs and body, I ask myself: how would a younger me think, hearing words such as “shrink yourself so they will like you”? She would feel unwanted and alone. That little girl still exists in every one of us, and we deserve to make more room for her to feel safe, seen and cherished. Taking on a parental role when speaking myself out of negative body talk works wonders, and I firmly believe you should do the same.

• Chidera Eggerue is the author of What a Time to Be Alone, published by Quadrille at £12.99. To order a copy for £11.04, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846.

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