I am a comedian who pushes boundaries. Comedy is all about taking risks, so it is natural that in a career as illustrious as mine, some of the risks I take are not always going to land. For example, when I (secretly) borrowed your Chevy Impala and then crashed it full speed into the lagoon, maybe that didn’t land for you; however, we should remember that comedy is subjective and a lot of people thought that was really funny.

I’ve always loved comedy. I grew up idolizing George Carlin and Richard Pryor; those guys weren’t afraid to say anything. The way they dove headfirst into loaded topics with irreverence, wit, and levity taught me that stand up can provide catharsis and unite us by tearing down the barriers around what we’re too “politically correct” to honestly address. Similarly, when I decided to take the spare keys from the hiding space that you confided to me “for emergencies”, hop in the driver’s seat of your 2020 Impala, and just start driving, it’s pretty fucking obvious that it was all just a joke, and almost everyone sees that but you. I don’t actually think you deserve a sunken wet car. It’s a metaphor.

On a serious note, I want to say that I am more than happy — in fact nothing would bring me more joy — to sit down, reflect on my actions, and give you a heartfelt apology for what I’ve done to hurt you and your gorgeous, not-yet-fully-insured-because-you-got-it-yesterday-and-haven’t-finished-all-the-paperwork Chevy Impala. However, I will only do this if you are actually offended and not just virtue signaling for your Socialist friends on Twitter. I should also note that if you say you are deeply affected by this and not just pretending for extra points in Cancel Culture, USA where you get points instead of money because, like I said, you are a Socialist, then it should be known that I do not believe you.

Further, I want to get ahead of this controversy now by just saying that while I am theoretically sorry for someone (not you, Socialist liar), I will not be paying for the damages to your shiny silver Impala that resides in the haunted muck of the lagoon. I am not a car crasher; I am a comedian. If a car crasher did this, I would say by all means, go to the authorities, seek reparation. But when I sped your vehicle into the salty deep while high on Benadryl (I react very badly to it but for whatever reason love the stuff), I did it as a comedian, a jester, an artist. To that end, if you do try and force me to pay for the “real damage” my joke “caused”, then you will be callously ruining my entire life and everything I have worked for, for literally no reason at all, while simultaneously stifling my free speech, you fucking Fascist, Socialist fuck.

So a sincere “I’m sorry” to the real victim here, whoever that may be.

If you do pull that Impala of the lagoon please let me know if I left my bottle of Benadryl in there!