SUPER SMASH BROS FOR 3DS / WII U FINAL PRESENTATION 12.15.15 SYNOPSIS

The direct opens with the familiar smash cut-flame thing.

Fox and Falco are shown fighting in Orbital Gate Assault, when a Wolfen flies above them. The screen then goes to black. Suddenly, a voice is heard saying “As if I’d let you do that, Star Fox!” Wolf drops down, and the splash text appears, stating “Wolf joins the battle!” albeit in Japanese.

Gameplay is then shown of Wolf in action. According to my source, his appearance has changed somewhat, he has an eyepatch now, for example. Gameplay wise, however, he’s relatively the same, and my source was able to confirm that his side+B and neutral B are the same as they were back in Brawl. And unfortunately, he has the Landmaster again. Interestingly enough, the Landmaster’s colors have changed, and rather than a red exterior resembling the Wolfen, the exterior is a dark purple. Could this hint at a redesign for the Wolfens for Star Fox Zero?

After the trailer ends, Sakurai greets the viewer and welcomes them to the final Smash Bros Direct. He talks for a second about how it has been a long road, but a fruitful one. And as a way of thanking the fans, Wolf will be free to download for the first two weeks after his release. And after that, he’ll retail for 450 yen for a single system, and 550 yen on both 3DS and Wii U. He explains that he didn’t intend to bring Wolf back, but due to fan demand (possibly referring to the ballot?), he added Wolf to the roster.

Sakurai then states that, as another gift to fans, the next update will have custom moves for all DLC fighters. Namely, Mewtwo has a custom side+B that works as a spike, and Ryu has a new variation of Tatsumaki Senpukyaku that’s more powerful, but stays in place. Apparantly he uses his original arcade voice when he yells “Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!” which is a strange, but pretty neat, touch. The custom moves will be automatically unlocked (THANK GOD) when you boot up the game after updating it.

Sakurai then talks about Cloud. He explains that Cloud has a limit system where, after taking so much damage, his specials grow stronger. Apparantly his neutral B is a sword beam (“Blasting Clear Strike”), down+B is a spinning attack (“Finishing Touch”), side+B has him slash in the shape of the Kanji “Kyo” (“Wicked Cutter”), and his up+B is that Aether-esque move from the trailer (“Clim Hazard”). His Final Smash, Omnislash, is also more powerful when Cloud’s limit meter is full. Instead of just slashing at the ground, the final blow of Omnislash creates a huge explosion when it strikes the ground. Yikes.

He then talks about the Midgar stage, and how it seems very basic, but has a big twist. As the battle progresses, summon Materia will appear throughout the map. If a fighter grabs the Materia, they will summon a Final Fantasy monster to deal damage on the stage. He showed off Shiva, Ramuh, and Bahamut ZERO in stage. He then says that Cloud and Midgar will release as a bundle, selling at 650 yen on one system and 750 on both. He then reveals that there will be bonus trophies of Tifa and Sephiroth (tifa trophy in 3D O_O). In addition, there are two new music tracks here, being remixes of FFVII’s opening theme Bombing Mission and One-Winged Angel. He then reminds us that the Chocobo hat is going to be an available Mii outfit (and apparently comes with a Chocobo trophy, too!)

This leads into a transition into Mii costumes. The new wave includes:

- Santa Hat

- KOS-MOS (Xenosaga)

- Ryu (Breath of Fire)

- Crono (Chrono Trigger) (!!!)

- Phoenix Wright

- Miles Edgeworth

- Yoshi

- Tingle

Yeah, some interesting ones in there, didn’t expect Breath of Fire to get any recognition in this game. And considering how well-endowed KOS-MOS is, that’s gonna look weird on my George Constanza Mii.

He then goes on to talk about amiibo. Figures of Roy, Ryu, Wolf, and Cloud are shown. Sakurai then shows us amiibo cards. These cards show a picture of the fighter, with blank spaces on the top of the card and under the picture. Apparantly, you’re supposed to write the figure’s name and stats on the card.

Sakurai then says that the presentation is nearing it’s end, and once again thanks the fans for supporting him over the years. But there’s one last announcement. He then tells us to “watch this”. And here’s where things get interesting, for better or for worse. Mostly for worse.

We see Mario and Sonic on Final Destination, duking it out. Suddenly, a large rectangle appears in the left corner of the screen. We see a blond-haired guy playing the game and getting really excited over it. While my source didn’t know who the hell this guy was, I think it’s pretty obvious. The screen then zooms in on him, and he introduces himself as Pewdiepie. Yes, seriously. He starts saying stuff about how much he loves Smash Bros, when a Mario hand comes from the edge of the screen, grabs him, and pulls him in to the game. We then get a full pan up of the now-cartoony Pewdiepie in Smash (you have no idea how much that hurt me to type). He reaches the screen for a brofist, which is met with a splash screen saying “Pewdiepie joins the battle!” We then see gameplay of him in action, he attacks with chairs, some gold statue, and rides on a bicycle with a little kid in it. For his final smash, those monsters from Amnesia: The Dark Descent show up, and attack the enemies while Pewdiepie retreats to the top left corner of the screen, screaming at the monsters. The Smash logo appears on the screen, and we cut back to Sakurai.

Well, his corpse, anyway.

Sakurai’s lifeless body drops on the ground, and the viewer watches this for roughly ten minutes. Some lady walks in with a jar that has a human brain in it, and sets it on Sakurai’s desk. We then hear his voice again.

“Creating characters is a lot of work, and if I were to create Super Smash Bros as I envisioned it, it would take too much work for any human to handle. So I disposed of my mortal body and uploaded my brain to a supercomputer, so I can truly create Smash as I envisioned it.

“When Cloud was announced, there was a noticeable amount of backlash from people complaining that Super Smash Bros has too many third-party characters, and is turning into Mugen. So fuck it, I’ll show you what a real Mugen would be like. I’m gonna make every character ever voted for on the Smash Ballot playable. Every single one. Well, almost all of them.” It was then that my source noticed that there was a dartboard in Sakurai’s office, with pictures of Chrom and Starfy on them. Sakurai then says “Please take a look.”

Smash flames again.

Rather than showing Smash Bros gameplay or CGI like the previous trailers, this one is apparently live-action.There was a lady with black hair with a yellow streak in her hair and a shitton of makeup, and a man who apparently had a lot of chins. There was also a Jewish looking guy with an afro, but he didn’t do anything and just watched the other two. My source claimed that they seemed to be trying way too hard to be funny. The guy with the chins and the lady with the makeup had a conversation that roughly went along these lines.

Chin guy: “What are you playing?”

Makeup lady: “Shovel Knight!”

Chin guy: “But that’s not Shovel Knight, it’s Smash Brothers!”

Makeup lady: “I’m playing Shovel Knight IN Smash Brothers!”

Suddenly, someone in a Shovel Knight costume appears, hits Chin Guy with his shovel, and says “I’m in Smash Brothers!”

The splash screen then appears, stating “Shovel Knight joins the battle!”

Gameplay, yadda yadda yadda, you know the rest. Final Smash has Shield Knight (or just a knight with a shield, my source never played Shovel Knight, so I’m just guessing) show up, and Shovel Knight bounces off of her shield, slamming into the ground with his shovel, creating massive shockwaves.

After that, the trailer cuts to the live-action guys again, with the jewish guy saying to Shovel Knight, “damn it, ross”.

After that it’s just a marathon of character reveals, and do I mean a marathon. My source left after watching 46 hours worth of reveals to type his synopsis up. Some of the characters revealed include:

MIPS the rabbit

Jibanyan

Waluigi

Ghirahim

Tumble from Mario Party 3

Duke Nukem

Juju

Professor Frankly

Isaac Clarke

Albert Wesker

Milli Vanilli

Eddie the Mean Old Yeti

Regigigas

Excellus

Cervantes

The Magic Bean Salesman

Etika

The finger from the Kirby Canvas Curse commercial

Rolf from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance

The Blues Brothers

Coach from Left 4 Dead 2

Captain Keeta

Klonoa

Raziel

Kid Kirby

Dalton from Chrono Trigger

Dragon’s Crown Sorceress

A Head from Face Raiders

The President (from Pikmin 2)’s wife

Ronk

Papes

Snips

Segata Sanshiro

Funky Phil

Luke Atmey

Shigesato Itoi

Sebastian Tute

Bluster Kong

The Moon

Waterwraith

The sleeping bear from Okami

Reggie Fils-Aime riding on Bill Trinen

He said that there was no sign of Daisy anywhere, though.

One of the more notable newcomers my source saw was this thing called “Shutai”. It had a Dunsparce as it’s head, its body was the North American boxart for Super Mario Bros 2, one of its arms was Goro from Mortal Kombat, the other was a clay model of Everdred from Earthbound attatched to Yoshio Sakamoto’s head. The legs of this character were Vector the Crocodile’s head and Gheb from Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones. It’s unknown how this character plays, but it can apparently sing ‘50’s songs. It’s at this point my source said “FUCK IT” and went home to type this up.

However, he did find out one last tidbit. In the next patch, they’re adding a new easter egg. If you play as Mario in Classic Mode (with Wii remote+nunchuck controls), if you go on Mario Galaxy and fight Bowser, align your Wii remote and nunchuck to make an upside-down V shape. If you do this just as Bowser is about to hit you, you’ll enter a warp pipe. This warp pipe will take you to Delfino Plaza, and here you can play any game a Smash character has ever been in, past, present, and future. So not only is it a giant Virtual Console, but you can play games that won’t come out for many years into the future. Highlights include the next Zelda game, which takes place in a futuristic Hyrule with hippopotomous robots and Link now rides a motorcycle called “Epona”. There’s also the FF7 remake, which they have disappointingly turned into a FFXIII-esque hallway simulator. There’s the next Kirby, which, after having made the powerups bigger in Return to Dream Land, and making the inhale bigger in Triple Deluxe, they decided to just make Kirby huge. And the next Mario game is… New Super Mario Bros NX. What a surprise.

What’s curious about all this is the fact that the games date only to 2025. The latest game available, Paper Mario: Sticker Star 4, released on December 1st, 2025. It’s worth noting that a number of the games released in 2025 refer to a being known as “Xyzyrmar” in a way similar to that we say “Oh my God” today. Even kid-friendly games like Pokemon Epsilon Gamma mention Xyzyrmar in a sense of fear. And it’s not a Pokemon, they checked the Pokedex of 5221 Pokemon and the closest thing there is is Xermar, which looks like a dinosaur-bull hybrid. In the Fire Emblem Awakening remake, Frederick now says "Pick a Xyzyrmar and pray!", and in the last Zelda game, Din, Nayru, and Faore are instead referred to as Xyzyrmar, Xyzyrmar, and Xyzyrmar. The identity of Xyzermar is at this point unknown.

My source asked the Smash dev member how this is even possible, and all he could manage to say was “Sakurai magic”. He then explained that everybody not on the Smash dev team who saw the direct beforehand killed themselves out of fear of just what the hell Xyzyrmar is and what it’s gonna do to us in the December of 2025. The Smash dev told my source that he didn’t actually like him and the whole reason he showed him the direct was so he’d kill himself. When asked why the dev would feel this way, he explained that it’s because Asura’s Wrath made you pay for the actual ending of the game and he was pissed at that.

Also, we’re not getting Goku.