Welcome to the first installment of Stupid Fan Theory. It should be pretty self explanatory. It’s just for laughs so I hope you’re not taking this too seriously.

What are we told in Attack of the Clones about Shmi’s disappearance and death?

Shmi went out to pick mushrooms off of the moisture vaporators and was abducted by Tusken Raiders on her way home.

Shmi’s husband Cliegg rounded up some men and tried to rescue her, but everyone died except Cliegg.

Did Cliegg set this up to turn Anakin towards the Dark Side? Was Cliegg in league with Sidious? Darth Clieggous? That’s a stupid fan theory for another day…

For this stupid theory we’ll assume Cliegg was not a Sith Lord and just a loving husband who wanted to save his wife (or maybe he was abusive and she was actually running away from him… So much room for Cliegg theories here).

Anyway…

So Shmi was out picking mushrooms when she was captured by the Sand People. Or was she?

My theory is this: Shmi was in the desert pickin’ shrooms to bring home. You gotta do something in the desert for fun, right? On her way back home she tripped and fell and was seriously injured. She was knocked unconscious. Perhaps she was assailed by Womp Rats.

Dying on the desert floor all alone, who should come across her but a band of Tuskens who see this dying woman and think, “Oh shit. This lady needs help. We’d better bring her back to camp so our Shaman can heal her.”

“Good thinking. If we leave her here to die, the settlers might think we killed her and come attack us. If we heal her and return her to them all well, perhaps there will finally be peace between us.”

So the Tuskens pick her up and bring her back to camp where they explain to their chief and their shaman the situation. After considering it, they decide to try and help her.

Not all of the Tuskens in the village are on board with this idea though, so the Chief and the Shaman have two of their finest soldiers guard the door to the hut, so Shmi’s healing will be un disturbed.

By this point Shmi is not doing very well and she’s still mostly unconscious, unaware of what’s happening to her. She might still be blasted on vaporator mushrooms.

The shaman takes her to the medical tent and ties her up–

“Aha!” You say. “They tie her up! How is that them trying to help her? You’re stupid fan theory has a hole!” Not so fast you uncultured nerf herder. What do you know of Tusken culture and healing arts? That’s what I thought. Let’s continue.

The shaman takes her to the medical tent and ties her up to the sacred healing sticks and leaves her there for the spirits to heal.

They tie her up to a rig made of wood. Have you seen trees growing on Tatooine? Not a one. These wood branches must have been very rare and quite special to the Tuskens. Shmi would have been impressed had she been fully conscious.

Wood is too rare for torture. The Sand People only use it for very important things.

Not long after Shmi has been affixed to the sacred healing rig, a band of settlers show up and assault the camp. The Tuskens wanted to return Shmi to the settlers, but couldn’t as she was still too unwell to be moved. Any attempt to inform the settlers of the situation was met with blasterfire and hostility.

The language and cultural barriers between the two peoples was becoming a problem.

The village fends off the settlers, killing all but one. The Sand People hope and praye that Shmi will soon be healed and their troubles would be over.

After a checkup from the Shaman, he discoveres that the healing process is coming along nicely and she’ll be better in a day’s time, as long as no one woke her up. She’d heal in her induced spirit sleep while tied to the healing sticks.

And then some kid with a glowing sword showed up and woke her up, ending the healing process prematurely and killing Shmi.

It was all a big misunderstanding.

By the Way

After Padme and Anakin leave the Lars Homestead they STEAL C-3PO from them, leaving them without a farmhand or translator droid.