The yearning for a church home faded as I grew older. As the years went by, I sought solace everywhere except inside the walls of a chapel or mosque. There was something about my earliest years that left me feeling disconnected from the religion of my parents and the faith I had inherited. But the summer before I graduated from college, I found that something was missing within me, spiritually; I sought faith among new religious groups, hoping I would find meaning in my own journey.

When I came across Mormonism, it was largely unfamiliar. In contrast to the faith of my childhood, certain aspects of the theology and structure resonated deeply with me. Vivid descriptions of eternal hellfire for those who sinned were replaced by an overwhelming sense of the capacity to grow on earth and throughout eternity. I was fond of the communal focus of the congregations, which created a place for each and every person. I was aware that black members had been banned from joining the priesthood or from performing specific rituals, from the mid-19th century until 1978. But my doubts about the restrictions were overpowered by a belief in the LDS Church’s active expression of faith in every part of life and the capacity for good in its members.

It was not until I joined that I began to understand and experience the implications of the priesthood and temple restrictions in the lives of black Mormons. Some have left; and the lack of consistent dialogue within the Church about the bans has created confusion about the restriction’s origins and the official LDS position on racial issues. The seeming reluctance by some Mormon leaders to speak about the violence faced by its black members in the United States has brought many black Mormons to points of frustration.

But I have chosen to stay. I have found a renewed relationship with the notions of blackness I was taught as a child, and I have rediscovered God at the margin of Mormonism—far from the experience of the white men who have historically led the Church. My faith offers both solace and struggle: I have found solidarity among the often-weary voices of African American Mormons, who must work to affirm their spiritual and physical lives in a Church where those lives didn’t always matter.

In its history, culture, and theology, Mormonism is a distinctively American faith. The country’s importance is affirmed in the Book of Mormon; many of its key events take place in North America. Established in 1830, the LDS Church first sought to form a physical Zion in Jackson County, Missouri, described by the founder, Joseph Smith, as “a gathering of saints.” These hopes were dashed in 1838 by the increasing violence between Mormons and non-Mormons and the issuance of Missouri Executive Order 44, which called for the extermination or forcible removal of Mormons from the state. Today, the LDS Church’s central administrative building is in Salt Lake City, with the highest levels of leadership comprised predominantly of white American males.