New Calvinist Fortune Cookies Tell You If You're Elect Or Not

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Desiring God Ministries has announced a new line of Calvinist fortune cookies designed to let people who have been predestined to eat Chinese food know if they're elect or not.

The cookies have all been personally blessed and anointed by John Piper, and as such, possess the mystical ability to tell if the holder is elect. If so, the message on the inside of the cookie will appear telling them that they are vessels of mercy, chosen by God in eternity past.

"We wanted people who have no choice but to eat Chinese food end their meal with an uplifting message telling them whether or not God has chosen them to eternal life," said a representative from DG. "There's nothing better than finishing off your Kung Pao chicken, leaning back, and popping open a fortune cookie to see what your eternal fortune is."

If the person is not elect, well, they'll get a slightly less encouraging message, though the note always tells them to "have many great day" or to "enjoy what little time you have left on this earth."

Even elect Christians might not always get a positive note, as Piper reportedly made sure some of the messages read things like, "You will suffer," "Don't waste your life," and "You are not a good person."

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