This week, Forbes released their annual “30 Under 30” list celebrating the achievements of young moguls in various fields. That’s nice for them.

This list is for the rest of us.

Paige Maney, Media Analyst

Tries to drink a nalgene over the course of the day

Only person with ibuprofen at her desk

Has a pleasant phone voice

Gives people gum if they ask for it

2. Deanna DeMay, Executive Assistant at House of Blues Chicago

Has been with House of Blues for 10 years as of 11/13 and moved her way into a new position

Gained so many vacations days, she gets to work a half day once a week

Found a job where she can (quietly) listen to show tunes and has learned not to sing along and people (mostly) don’t care

Helped organized an effort to feed 600+ homeless people for Thanksgiving

Doesn’t miss her dog too much while she’s work

Is getting married in a year and has not cried/freaked out yet

3. Zach Stolz, Graduate Teaching Assistant/Actor

Zach has somehow conned the Colorado Shakespeare Festival into hiring him to act, and has converted 7 students into taking up theatre as a major or minor. Minimal student debt.

4. Alison Tyler, Marketing Coordinator at Lokal Homes

cleaned up and entire pint of (someone else’s) yogurt without anyone noticing after spilling it all over the office kitchen and herself. “I’m a vegan.. I don’t even eat yogurt, it just fell out of the fridge.”

very good at slipping some Death Grips /Marilyn Manson into the office playlist without anyone knowing it’s her.

Actually got a job in her field after college

Have been at her company for a year now

Won some awards, too

5. Emily Wheeler, Program Manager at MINDDRIVE

Got certified as an external assessor by the David P. Weikart Center for Youth Program Quality

Has a kick ass, old, lazy cat

6. Ryan P.C. Trimble, recently laid off but taking it well!

“‘I’m under 30 and I’m doing just okay, thanks! Evidence: I have written a manuscript of a novel! Is it published? Not yet! But do YOU have a manuscript of a novel? I acted on French TV’s biggest late night show when I was 21! I got into Second City Conservatory this year! My cat loves me! I’m 26 and I’m doing just fine.”

7. Sophie Schwartz, Cannabis Specialist

has shot a rubber band across the shop that landed in the recycling bin

I has gotten at least 12 older white cis gendered men to take her opinion seriously

8. Shelby Wolstein, Product and Billing Specialist at ActiveCampaign and Freelance Funny Person

Hasn’t been to the hospital in roughly 6 months (literally, woah)

Has health insurance

Hasn’t gone grocery shopping in 6 months, but still manages to stay fed

Has never had a mouse in her apartment

Is salaried

Has made solid plans to go bouldering

Owns and sometimes uses floss

Has gone two years without a gap in her resume

9. Sam Rosenak, Campus Minister

Got two traffic tickets on the same day and correspondingly his wife made him make up the money so he sold all my favorite board games and his nostalgic nintendo64 to pay for them

He got married on 10.22.16 and is expecting a child this January #adulting

Hasn’t missed a day of work for being sick, nor has he taken a sick day. Ever.

10. Abbie Díaz, Education Coordinator at a Chicago Museum

To her knowledge, she hasn’t turned a child off to science and that’s a win in her book.

11. Jayson Acevedo, Comedian

Bob Curry Fellowship 2017 (1st & Only time auditioning, never did conservatory, 2nd youngest in the group)

NBCUniversal/Second City BreakOut Comedy Festival (Featured performer)

Performed a concert as Adele [Note for note duh] in “250: A Musical Comedy Experience” a one man show he came up with

Got signed to Paonessa Talent Agency (has done a VO for The Onion & shot his first commercial for KMart)

Started teaching Improv/Stand Up in the burbs to children & adults

Urban Twist (Has been sold out since opening)

And all this happened while being the best uncle ever…cool.

12. True Walters, Product Specialist

A bus driver didn’t see him getting on the bus so when they shut the doors, he was pinched between them. They let him ride for free.

13. Grace Penzell, Dog Walker/Sitter

Grace has 24 five-star reviews on Rover. “Grace is the real deal — she cares about your fur family and will do anything she can to make sure they’re comfortable and you come home to happy pups!”

14. Rebecca Shrom, Actor/Improvisor

moved to Chicago from South Carolina last year which was a big step for her

she’s accepted she’s A-OK with needing validation

she hasn’t even had a UTI for a couple of weeks

15. Justin Lance, Client Service Executive

Justin Lance is still alive at age 26 despite Life’s multiple attempts to stop that.

16. Banah bint Mohja al Ghadbanah, Poet/PhD student

is a force of calm in the world

makes lettuce grow

will never answer your emails but is sweet IRL as long as you don’t mention it

will tell you to drink water and rub your belly if you ask

good at sleeping

will be your diversity token on your website if you pay her in fruit

17. Kyle Deininger, Actor/Model/Hand Model

quit his corporate position to pursue acting, writing, and comedy

UIUC grad

represented by Stewart Talent

still plays Pokemon Go

on the lookout for love and Charizards

18. Olivia Perry, Assistant Account Executive

Olivia wakes up everyday and leaves her bed and goes to work even though the world is horrible.

19. Chelsea Wilson, Assistant Communications Coordinator

Managed corporate foundation communications campaigns that collectively raised more than $7 million for charitable organizations

Passed 100-plus engineers while lugging keyboard gifted to her in fifth grade into office to compose custom song for video project

Got man notorious for his eternal automatic reply of “Unless it is an emergency, I wish to never be contacted” to email her back about a non-emergency related question

Successfully did not spill coffee and/or food item on clothing for approximately 4 percent of 117.79 weeks worked

Earned trust of someone she was nervous to work with

Increased confidence in job ability by 20 percent since 2015

Told stories of at-risk youth, entrepreneurs, CEOs and prairie chicken experts

Traveled in time to slap 19-year-old self for complaining about 30-page papers after writing 1,000-plus page award submittal

Worked out sometimes

20. Jackson Swain, Video Producer/Motion Graphics Artist

• Has maintained a handful of genuinely meaningful friendships since high school

• Got married!

• Saw a counselor this summer and learned to cope with a deep-rooted fear of emotional vulnerability

• Learned to become a morning person and spend time actually reading all those books he wants to and also make really great coffee

Makes his wife laugh almost every day

21. Elizabeth Allen, QT Clerk

Elizabeth has worked at QT for 5 years as just a clerk and next week is gonna be a night clerk again and “I still f*ing love my job, having adhd and working in a place that requires a lot of focus really helps me with my adhd.”

22. Kyle Dybdal, Software Engineer

Proud father to 12 plants, with one on the way

Can successfully call Comcast without crying

Started seeing a therapist, and it’s doing wonders for his mild to moderate depression

Made some art that people seem to genuinely like

23. Karina Hunt, Curtain Installer/Waitress/AV Technician/Lighting Designer/Stage Manager

great facilitator and conflict resolver

has used the same blue Jansport backpack since sixth grade

recently learned to drive a scissor lift

good at fitting into small places

carries a leatherman multitool in her Kate Spade purse

24. Saba Yahyavi, Photography Assistant

hasn’t fought anyone while drunk since at least June

brain has been swollen for 24 years and she is still alive

didn’t pass out during her last Botox appointment

Saba’s friend Karina has used the same blue Jansport backpack since sixth grade

25. Ross Christian, Final Documents Specialist

Ross Christian is somehow able to juggle being a performer, writer, lighting designer, and tabletop game designer all while working a day job.

26. Courtney Matula, Account Coordinator & Professional Finder of Bunnies on Her Walk Home

Has stopped at 98% of all neighborhood children’s lemonade and treat stands over the course of her lifetime

Flosses every day

Ran a 5k this year when she used to laugh out loud at the thought of exercising for real

Wins every time she plays the “Face Lift” mini-game in the original Mario Party

27. Andrew Canada, Paralegal

just switched to a new day job

just got a dog

his headshot is over 6 years old

28. Andrea Love, Finance Specialist and Sexuality Educator

says sorry less than 20 times a day

only woman in the office who replaces the culligan

can talk to 14 year olds about both pregnancy prevention and Spongebob with equal agility

uses an appropriate amount of exclamation points in donor emails

great butt

29. Victor DeMarco, Registered Nurse in the ICU

saved multiple lives

married

homeowner

$100,000 in student loans

30. Molly Kessler, Sales Coordinator

Only works on scripts when she is done with her other work

Has neat handwriting

Doesn’t gossip

Limits herself to 2 exclamation points per email

Can play piano

Honorable Mentions

Let’s be honest, Forbes’ list is really 600 under 30, so this one can have a couple extra without your side-eye, sir.

Grace Adler, Kindergarten Teacher

Grace received an honorable mention not because she is any less okay than others on this list, but simply because she sent this information slightly later than others.

Grace is accomplished in surviving each day with 25 five year olds. There has been no throw up, no broken bones, and no poopy pants in her teaching career.

Michelle Leatherby, Mortgage Marketing Associate

thinks this picture of her is the one they would use if she died young, but wants you to see it before that happens

hasn’t broken the office Keurig yet

solicited more than enough submissions for this list

loves herself enough to give herself an honorable mention on her own list

Whitney Wasson, Stand-up Comedian/Office Manager

Whitney is included as an honorable mention because she is 30 years old and is proof that once you reach said age, you can still be doing okay.

After graduating with a BA in Theatre after a total of nine years as an undergrad, Whitney cobbled together enough money (via begging, Kickstarter and fundraisers) to leave Arkansas for Chicago. In the past two years, she has managed to pay rent in two different apartments, pay utility bills on time most months, get a dream job, get shittily laid off from the dream job and now works a full-time, grown-up job at a business completely unrelated to her field and skill set. She arrives at the office, most days, at 9 a.m., having already applied her makeup. In spite of the responsible job, she produces and performs in comedy shows several nights a week and scrambles to attend out of state comedy festivals each year. She calls her parents and sister on a respectable basis and only hits them up for money occasionally. She has a loving, respectful partner who adores her enough to accept that she is never on time and rarely does laundry. Best of all, with only the help of literally every person in her life, daily meetings, two sponsors, repeated viewings of Craig Ferguson’s late night TV show sobriety monologue from 2007 on Youtube, a dozen self-help books and drunk memoirs and the occasional public crying jag, she has been sober (sober-sober!) for well over a year.