A cursory read of the news indicates that Apple is once again beleaguered so things must certainly be in free-fall in Cupertino.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and finishing school for the foppishly coy, Philipp Kristian Diekhöner declares Apple “Innovators No More: Why Apple Could Be The Next Abercrombie & Fitch Cautionary Tale.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Given Apple’s recent news coverage, I am convinced it has shed its innovators’ DNA and will pay the price in years to come.

I read some stuff. Doesn’t sound good.

My dude, the Macalope has made a modest living for years by writing about ridiculously negative coverage of Apple. So, he is here to tell you that there is no correlation between “I read some bad things about this highly successful company” and the company actually being in a bad spot.

As lawsuits are piling up in response to news that Apple intentionally slowed down old phones without informing customers…

And it’s not like Apple’s ever been the subject of frivolous lawsuits before!

You are zero for two on unprecedented indicators.

…one may wonder indeed what happened to Apple’s dedication to customer experience.

What customers really want, you see, is phones that simply shut down without warning. That’s a good customer experience.

The problem with “I read some stuff” is sometimes what you read is hogwash. Yes, Apple did a poor job of communicating, but it made the right decision about what to do about aging batteries.

Its recent decision to shift all of Tim Cook’s travel to a private jet kind of affirms that notion.

Steve Jobs would never have… uh…

Anyway, Face ID isn’t perfect. There.

There are striking parallels to A&F…

There really aren’t. Diekhöner seems to have latched onto Abercrombie & Fitch simply because they were successful and then weren’t and pride goeth before a fall and something something hubris and here is your Apple doom.

To drive home the doom, Diekhöner quotes third quarter smartphone market share numbers, which no one really cares about that much.

In the super premium segment, there’s also evidence of a shift. As [Localytics] reports, activations of Google’s Pixel 2 surpassed iPhone X for the 2017 Christmas Weekend.

That sounds terrible and the headline of the piece — “Google’s Newest Pixel Devices Outperform the iPhone X During Christmas Weekend” — doesn’t help, but read a little further:

While the iPhone X did not show the largest lift in new device activations, Apple certainly should feel good about the 2017 holiday shopping season, as many analysts believe it was the company’s best ever.

Sounds terrible. Surely innovation is dead at Apple.

Also, Localytics reports that Google offered a $100 Fi service credit. Surely we all remember the discounts Apple was offering on the iPhone X hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ha. Ha-ha.

Yeah, no.

Flurry backs up a more upbeat take on Apple’s holiday and is pretty down on Google’s.

Apple Wins 2017 Smartphone Holiday Season.

Google is once again missing from this chart, despite the fanfare around the launch of the Pixel 2. It is safe to say that due to limited phone models (4) and lack of consumer mindshare, the Pixel is failing to pique users’ interest.

Maybe the truth is somewhere in between since supplies of the iPhone X were still somewhat constrained in December. It is a little interesting that Diekhöner seemed to pick the bad news angle from Localytics report. Once you get past the headline, the Macalope is really not sure how someone reads that report and walks away with Apple doom.

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Oh. Never mind.