Whether you’re someone who keeps yours on the table during dinners with friends, or one who gets offended at new-message-checking between courses, there’s no denying that mobile phones cause problems. Tools of distraction and distancing that chip away at our attention spans with every vibration and ping, they steadily steal the real connection of person-to-person communication. At least, so say older relatives who comment on your WhatsApp use during family gatherings. And so say the psychologists who worked on the University of British Columbia’s study titled “Smartphone use undermines enjoyment of face-to-face social interactions” academic study.

What’s not irritating and won’t let you down? That true friend, the smartphone … that is, until the battery runs out

More precise and evidence-based than a parent’s “put your phone away, you’re always messing with it”, the smartphone study ends with some equally disapproving points. “When phones were present … participants felt more distracted, [reducing] how much they enjoyed spending time with their friends/family,” it reads. “Despite their ability to connect us to others across the globe, phones may undermine the benefits we derive from interacting with those across the table.”

Which is fair, sure. If you have had a phone slapped out of your hand, you know this. But, similar to how you’d enjoy a Wispa just fine if you didn’t know Wispa Gold also existed, social lives are just a little sweeter with mobile phones. Because who would want to go back to social lives without them, when:

They prevent petty disagreements turning into petty violence

Tango & Cash – a film about friendship and trust. Photograph: Moviestore Collection/Rex

The bud you’ve met up with can’t remember the name of the film they’re talking about – you can. IMDb will prove you’re right, and stop the growing suspicion that your best friend doesn’t trust you (because if they don’t believe you know the plot to Tango & Cash when you hear it, what happens if it’s something less important?). With a smartphone in easy reach, there’s no need to pin your friend’s hand to the table with a steak knife while you go searching for proof that you’re right and they’re wrong.

You know where your friends are at all times

A sinkhole – not the reason your friend is late again. Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Maybe you’ve got one person in your friendship group who is late to every meetup you organise – but how do you know they are definitely just late again, and haven’t been swallowed up by one of those sinkholes you heard about on the Discovery Channel? A quick text message: no sinkhole, they’re just a disrespectful prick who still doesn’t understand the etiquette of arriving on time. A quick Google: sinkholes happen sometimes, but disrespectful pricks are more common.

You can find better friends

Finding someone who shares your niche interests – not easy on the tube. Photograph: Martin Godwin/The Guardian

Not everyone collects close pals as they go through school, college, university, various retail jobs, offices – we certainly don’t make many friends by striking up random conversations with strangers in day-to-day life anymore. Too many weirdos out there. It’s much more acceptable to talk to random strangers online instead, and easier to find people into the same things as us, no matter how niche. Talking to the person who sat next to you on the train about your secret love of Transformers erotic fan fiction, for example, might not go over well. Finding a website where you can share your interest with fellow fans across the globe: better.

They will provide inspiration when conversation runs dry

Liven up ailing conversation by laughing at old schoolmates. Photograph: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Without the safety net of a smartphone with access to misguided political tweets from people you went to school with, you’d be forced to drum up some decent conversation around the dinner table yourself. From your own mind. Maybe this would lead to you becoming a more skilled conversationalist. Or you would panic and blurt out something inappropriate about the Transformers fan fiction you’re currently working on. Isn’t it more prudent to laugh at others together over a phone screen than ruin a social event because you ran out of things to say?

They’re a barrier

Like all friends, it’ll let you down in the end. Photograph: Martin Abegglen/Flickr

Let’s face it, most people are quite irritating after too much direct exposure. What’s not irritating and won’t let you down? The truest friend to all: the smartphone. That is, until the battery runs out and you’re forced to interact face-to-face with the people around you again.

• Phoebe-Jane Boyd is a freelance journalist who writes on politics and pop culture