Why Jurassic Park Would Never Make It as a Successful Theme Park

Jurassic Park is an absolutely awful idea. I’m not referring to the movie, because that thing is incredible. I’m talking the actual concept of the park itself. Dr. Hammond insists that the park should be for everyone, but that’s ludicrous. There is no way to make a trip to Jurassic Park even remotely affordable and even after you get there, money is the least of your concerns. If everything went as planned, each guest’s trip would either be incredibly boring, traumatizing … or result in his or her death.

Let’s start with the most obvious problem: There’s no easy way to get to Jurassic Park!

We see the gang flying in on a helicopter, but I wonder why? If Jurassic Park is going to be such a tourist hotspot, why wouldn’t they take an easier, more commercial means of transportation? Oh that’s right:

NO ONE FLIES TO JURASSIC PARK! Once you get there, it’s not any easier. The helicopter gets to the island and has to TLC it down the side of a waterfall. Sure, Dr. Hammond, this will be a convenient spot for a runway. Maybe we can get Denzel Washington’s character from “Flight” to be in charge of navigating this cliff because I’m pretty sure only he and Star Fox are capable of doing it.

Now the group has landed so we’ve arrived at the park, right? Oh, I forgot to mention, you have to take a jeep excursion across the island plain.

This wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for a few minor roadblocks along the way. And, of course, by roadblocks, I mean GIANT DINOSAURS.

I know these particular dinosaurs don’t eat people but what happens when one of them is running along doing whatever it is that dinosaurs do, and bump into one of these jeeps? Did I mention the jeep is full of crippled babies? Yeah, not so magical now, is it? This is a disaster waiting to happen and a complete disregard to safety.

Let’s assume all these things are going to be fixed and get into the heart of the park, shall we? As soon as you enter, you’re treated to a somewhat interactive video that explains how the dinosaurs were created. Here’s the problem: the video is Dr. Hammond interacting with Dr. Hammond.

Is he going to do every introduction to the park at all hours of the day, every day of the week? I know you’re a hard-working old man who looks like Wilford Brimley vacationing in Key West, but this just isn’t sensible. Another oversight in the planning and execution of the park on behalf of Dr. Hammond and the crew.

Speaking of the Jurassic Park staff, what idiot decided to hire this guy as your head of pretty much everything?

Newman from “Seinfeld” sweats and plops his way through day-to-day activities with the drive and effort of Zack Morris on the last day working at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. How did he get this job, you ask? According to his own words, he was the cheapest bid. Really Dr. Hammond? You’re going to spare no expense in bringing an extinct species back to life, but when it comes to the actual operation of your park, you’re going to try to save $14? You pay for quality, doctor, and you will pay for your lack of investment.

One of the first sites the group comes upon is the cage full of raptors. If you don’t think they’ll be part of the tour, then why would they breed raptors in the first place? This group is just in time for a feeding frenzy, hooray!

“Mommy, what’s going to happen to that nice, little cow?”

Oh, he just got ripped to shreds while screaming in agony while prehistoric creatures ripped him apart. Keep your ticket stub though, Little Johnny, maybe you can trade it in for a piece of the cow’s bone marrow at the end of the day!

The guests cross through the gates and the real adventure begins! This should be so exciting! First up, the dilophosaurus.

I wonder what they’re doing? Running by the fences? Frolicking? Being adorable? Oh even better, absolutely nothing! You can’t have a zoo where the animals aren’t visible.

Here’s another exciting exhibit and, once again, it’s the opposite of exciting:

Wow, I’m glad we flew across the globe like Lara Croft to stare at some mountains held back by electric fences. You know how unpredictable those mountains can be. You can never be too safe when it comes to mountains.

OK, well let’s do something to entice the dinosaurs to come out. What would be the most family friendly way to do this?

Great idea! It’s like they decided to take every part of a petting zoo that kids love and use them as target practice for the dinosaurs. So your options for entertainment are either stare at some trees or watch a farm animal be eaten. Wow! Can we come back again tomorrow?

I know I keep making jokes about the fences, but they’re completely necessary and I get that. I mean they have to be extremely strong to keep out these towering monsters, right?

Hmm, seems that someone didn’t test the durability of the fences. Yes I know the power was down and caused the electric fences to turn off, but there’s no backup system? Why not get one of those invisible fences they used on “Lost”? That thing could keep the smoke monster out, I’m pretty sure it could keep a T-Rex from doing this:

Not only did Dr. Hammond skimp on the operations of the park, his priorities are completely out of line. The technicians haven’t worked out the kinks in the jeeps that will be transporting all the visitors, but he’s already got the merchandise set up?





Who is going to go to a theme park and buy stamps, anyway? You’re months away from opening and yet you’ve got your entire product line set up and ready for sale? I also like that you had a muralist come in and paint up some lovely water color pieces, but, again, you went with the cheapest computer engineer as possible.

Maybe you could go all out and have this painted above the entrance to the park:

If that bizarre pose that lasted way too long doesn’t bring in the guests, then I’m out of ideas.

Seriously though, why was he sitting like that?

The next scene was probably the weirdest part of the movie that no one really notices. The scene where the kids eat all of the desserts.

Why were all of these desserts set up in the middle of the park with no one anywhere near them? Did the dinosaurs set them up? Is there a type of herbivore that can whip up a delectable pastry? If that cake is for future guest, I can’t imagine how stale and awful it would be by the time the park opens. Wake up, Dr. Hammond.

Finally, if you thought security was hacky before, consider the fact that a Packard Bell personal desktop computer can remotely control the entire park. There was no password or keycard required. She just turned it on and had full access to everything. Maybe just set the screensaver to password protected or something? Literally anything would be better than this. You could prop a chair up in front of it and that would be better than the current security measures.

It’s no surprise your park failed, Dr. Hammond. The kind of neglect and oversight you’ve shown proves that you aren’t ready for this kind of responsibility. Get your act together or you’ll be back to taking tickets at the local carnival’s tilt-a-whirl.