ARIES

To make your dog walking job easier you create a dog centipede by stitching together a dozen thoroughbred canines snout to bumhole. It’s so much more manageable than individual dogs. You only have to feed it once, only need one lead and only have to bag up one easy-to-dispose of, concentrated turd-pellet. The only drawback is if it sees the cat centipede you made last year it’s likely to go mental and run off its leash.

TAURUS

I predict you will get bummed by a monster on your birthday.

GEMINI

Just say 'nose' to drugs!

CANCER

Rifling through your girlfriend’s bag for some filter tips you come across a tiny, half-empty pack of crow condoms.

LEO

In May you arrive at your meeting with BAE Systems to finally show top brass what you’ve been working on in their R&D lab for the last decade: Rat on a Stick. It’s a rat you found, tied to a stick.

VIRGO

You find yourself genuinely frightened by a story in the Daily Express about an infestation of Paedo-Wasps said to be making their way over to Britain from Romania.

LIBRA

Thanks to the miracle of modern medical science it’s now possible to have that Jesus inside you surgically removed.

SCORPIO

Your psychiatrist reassures you that feeling like an insect is a normal, perfectly natural human emotion.

SAGITTARIUS

The last thing you remember before the car crash is an apparition of yourself turning to you and saying, “Have a dog’s birthday.”

CAPRICORN

When you take a shit it sounds like you’re running a bath. Maybe try adding more fibre to your diet.

AQUARIUS

Aim for the moon because if you miss you’ll die in the vast, cold emptiness of space.

PISCES

You’re used to having wet dreams, but find yourself disturbed of late by the frequency of your wet nightmares.