FELIS MISSOURIUS

BY THACKTOR

What a freakin win last week. I do feel badly for Reese Dismukes, though. He suffers from a condition that goes inexplicably unreported by the mainstream media. Yes, those in the press would have you living in a world where this condition lies blissfully under the radar while literally tens of people living suffer in silence. Well, no more. I can not sit idly by and let these centers go without a voice.



Even you, redass Former Student or loyal Aggie fan, have to be asking yourself over and over and over again, "HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT THE QB's HANDS AREN'T UP IN YOUR TAINT CANYON, REESE?" Have you ever felt a phantom phone vibration when your phone was across the room, not nestled in your pocket? Well, you see, Mr. Dismukes has developed Phantom QB Hands Syndrome. I hope this epic exhibition of its effects will help lead to more awareness of this butt snap inducing nightmare.



But now the newly invigorated Fightin' Texas Aggies get to take some swings at a thorn in our side from the Big XII, the Missouri Tigers. We have Myles Garrett, the Tigers have Shane Ray. Against Kentucky, Ray broke the Missouri sack record for a single season - with three games still left to play. Praise Xenu that the offensive line woke up last week, so I don't see them resorting to Auburn level methods of stopping a sack machine.

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Night falls on Kyle Field as the Aggie football team and staff are going through their pre game rituals. Coach Spavital is expanding his mind by reading a Vice Sports article entitled "More Cushion For The Pushin: Great Night at the Bar or Key Secondary Tactic?" He seems both amused and informed.



Myles Garrett is simultaneously eating a raw deer and doing pushups while Drew Kaser does his best Tong Po impression. Kyle Allen is watching this in awe when Sumlin pulls him away for a quick chat. "Remember what I told you, Kyle?" Sumlin asks his young starting quarterback.



"Yes, Coach!" Allen responds, confidently. "Make smart plays. Protect the football. If Spav calls a toss-sweep from anywhere inside the 5 yard-line, throw it deep to Kennedy or Jones. The camera girl will be more inclined to give me her number if we win."



Aggies - 45

Tigers II - 21

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO, HYPNO-TOAD, AND RCB05

CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Jarvis Harrison OL: Has long been the most versatile of the Maroon Goons, but sliding into the key LT spot on the road at Auburn last week boosted the whole line's performance. May you create many pancakes this week and keep Kyle Allen's jersey clean against a solid Tiger pass rush.



Deshazor Everett CB: Ruptured elbow or no, #29's a human cyborg out there and you know he's always going to give his all. Hoping he can get a couple more TDs this season after ending the drought last week. Spanish or English, either way.



Ivan Robinson DL: Sticking with the senior theme, Ivan's our lone senior on the defensive line. He's battling injury and may not be able to go versus Mizzou, but his senior leadership has been a key to the DL's recent success as the strength of our very young defense. Senior. Conn, Sonar!



Shane Ray DE: 12 sacks on the season puts him one ahead of Myles Garrett and tops in the SEC. Should be a fun duel, although Ray does have the slight advantage of being in his fourth year of college football instead of his first but hey who's counting?



Maty Mauk QB: Hmm, the next Johnny Manziel? No, he is currently 12th in the conference in QB rating, ahead of only Jeff Driskel and Vanderbilt's signal caller du jour. I guess our main concern should be whether or not Occasionally Above Average Maty Mauk decides to show up because that could be bad.



Russell Hansbrough RB: Another one of those small, shifty backs for Mizzou, he leads the team in rushing although he's not much of a factor in the passing game. Upon dropping a well-thrown ball, Mauk has been heard to exclaim to him "you gotta catch that...I hit you right in the Hansbrough!" OK I'm done now.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY HYPNO-TOAD

Refereeing Lots of folks have been saying that the ding dang left tackle for Auburn was holding Myles Garrett last weekend. Well they replayed the game on the WatchESPN doohickey, and darned if it wasn't true! Shucks, that crumbum was all over Garrett like a cheap suit - and gosh if that cotton-headed ninny muggins of a referee wasn't looking right at him, for the love of Pete! Aggie fans had better be on the lookout for Missouri players giving Garrett the business, and if they do you let that ref know that he's a real dunderhead!



Forward Throwback Missouri cornerback Aarion Penton has been suspended for marijuana possession charges. Safety Braylon Webb will be serving a half-game suspension for a targeting penalty against Kentucky. In their places the Tigers will be starting a player with no starts against P5 opponents and another player with no starts at all. Meanwhile, A&M has recently discovered a change in the rule book that allows a "forward lateral" to be thrown past the line of scrimmage, and even attempted to hurl the ball 10 or more yards in the air against Auburn. Look for the Aggies to continue to abuse this new loophole until the rules committee catches on to that tomfoolery.



O.A.S. (Obnoxious Aggie Syndrome) The yin to BAS's yang, Aggie fans are currently battling a flare up of excessive pride, unfounded smack-talk, and general hysteria after slaying the Team Of Destiny. This isn't a condemnation of such behavior, but an alert to watch for and enjoy it. This is college football. If it made sense or followed logic then you'd just go watch Property Brothers instead. JOHNATHAN AIN'T RENOVATED NOBODY PAWWWWWL.



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY HYPNO-TOAD

#1 MISSISSIPPI STATE @ #5 ALABAMA



The SEC West is just the college football version of Final Destination. Several teams upset the natural imbalance by being ranked ahead of the Tide, but now fate is eliminating them one at a time to restore order. Watch as CLANGA survives the first overtime only to trip on a headset cord and drown in a Gatorade cooler.



#9 AUBURN @ #15 GEORGIA



a.k.a. "What the hell happened?" vs. "What the hell is happening?"



#17 LSU @ ARKANSAS



My goodness, it seems like Thanksgiving arrives earlier and earlier every year!



#GBHTAILGATE IN REAL LIFE BY cuppycup



We are hosting our second huge GBH tailgate this Saturday for the Texas A&M vs. Mizzou football game. Things will start heating up around the waffle station at 11:00am but stop by whenever, y'all. We'll be tailgating until the game ends. Be sure to RSVP on Facebook so we can see who's coming to the event. We'll have free food, beer, wine, and liquor if you need some extra motivation.

Please help us thank our generous sponsors and donors by visiting their websites and following them on social media. If you're not already a fan of these brands, you will be after Saturday.

EVENT SPONSORS

Candy 95.1 Aggieland’s Only Hit Music Station has been helping us promote the hell outta the GBH Tailgate. Listen to Candy 95.1 all week to hear our spots and come find the Home of Frito and Katy at our event on Saturday.

Website | Twitter | Facebook



Advanced Security Concepts Installing home and commercial security systems throughout Bryan/College Station for over 14 years. From new construction pre-wires to alarm system monitoring, they'll keep your property secure 24 hours a day. We've requested sharks with laser beams to patrol the tailgate.

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Forza Resources Providing oil and gas land and legal services including abstract of title, leasehold analysis, GIS mapping, surface and lease negotiations, consulting state regulatory issues, and due-diligence across several counties in East and Central Texas.

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YPE, College Station A non-profit organization with more than 40,000 members worldwide. By providing a forum for networking and career development, YPE aims to facilitate the advancement of young professionals in the global energy industry.

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Aggie Game Day Rentals BCS Real Estate team specializing in properties near Texas A&M's campus. Services include representing buyers and sellers in the purchase and sale of property, leasing and management, vacation rentals, and construction.

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Tailgate Troubadours If you're interested in setting up your own future tailgate or event, contact these guys. They took care of everything we needed for our Ole Miss-A&M tailgate and it was remarkably stress-free. Staking a spot, tents, chairs, TVs with the games, bar service, you name it they can help.

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DONORS

Food Homestead Natural Pork Website | Twitter | Facebook



44 Farms Website | Twitter | Facebook



Smitty K's Website | Twitter | Facebook



Waffle House Website | Twitter | Facebook





Beer Brazos Valley Brewing Website | Twitter | Facebook



Southern Star Brewing Website | Twitter | Facebook



New Republic Brewing Website | Twitter | Facebook



Kristen Distributing Website | Twitter | Facebook

Wine and Spirits Perrine Winery Website | Twitter | Facebook



Rio Brazos Website | Twitter | Facebook



Dripping Springs Website | Twitter | Facebook









Other Supplies Two Funny Girls Website | Twitter | Facebook



HobbyTown USA Website | Twitter | Facebook



MAP TO GBH TAILGATE

RSVP for the Nov. 15 GBH Tailgate

LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY FLETCHER MASSIE

Baby, It’s Cold Outside BY CUPPYCUP I’ve got to get to Kyle – Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there

Say, buy me this coat – And what am I going to wear?

Then go on buy two – This sounds like an ad, I swear

You love A-O – How does G-B-H stay afloat?



There’s bound to be gifs and puns – Takes like a thousand suns?

Sure the words are often quite flawed – Oh, just put this fleece on your bod

You really are grand – Let’s go to Northgate

Who cares if it’s cold outside

Text GOODBULL to 55000 on 11/12 for a chance to win a fleece jacket from Aggieland Outfitters.



Thanks to this week's artists @BigOldHoneyBear, @Kellie_Lynn2013, @whoopy07 x 2, @rcb05 x 2, @SpreadsheetAg, @Rob_White13.

BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE The Aggies continue to improve with the defense putting together a more complete game than last week. Myles Garrett causes 4 holding penalties and gets 3 sacks in the game. No PI. Kyle Allen gets more of a shot to turn the ball loose downfield and the receivers don't let him down. Kennedy, Noil, Reynolds and Seals-Jones all net a receiving TD. Aggies win the turnover battle for the second time in two weeks.



WORST CASE What? You think I'm going to write one of these after not writing one worked last week? You're crazy.



@3liseFeatherly What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze, you say? They don't. They have nightmares about Myles Garrett. #GBHTailgate



@jlemmons96 On gameday the Ags will make the Tigers Missourable. #GBHTailgate



‏@whoopy07 Can we get Adidas to specially make a tear away jersey for Myles Garrett? #GBHTailgate



@LBCarp Not surprised to see Kyle Allen on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine this week. #GBHTailgate



@PlutoCarson Boy it's too cold outside time for me to pull out that chinchilla lmao fareal

