Cam Newton is ruining the game of football.

It’s like all he really cares about is either running the ball into the end zone or forcing his teammates to go to the end zone to catch a pass he’s thrown there. I know there are some bandwagon Cam Newton fans who will say with a straight face that this kind of behavior is part of what makes him a fun, likable player, but to those of us who respect the game, it makes him look like a clown.

Starting with the gridiron’s earliest gladiators, football has always been a battle fought on the sacred patch of green grass between the goal lines. So someone explain why a player who spends most of his time crossing those goal lines receives the kind of praise Cam Newton does. It’s flat out disrespectful to the game, a game that happens to be our country’s most beloved sport. I’m not trying to say Cam Newton is unpatriotic, but I am saying he clearly isn’t a fan of our country. Is this really the type of behavior we want to reinforce?

Then again, maybe his behavior shouldn’t be so surprising. On the field, he’s a guy who favors a flashy bright silver helmet and an oversized shirt with his own name printed across the back, not to mention the giant number one on both sides. (Real subtle, Mr. Newton.) Also, everyone totally knows those are mostly pads and not actually huge muscles under your jersey.

How about his relationship with his teammates? Instead of getting down and crouching on the front line with the rest of them as a unit, he stands in the back and makes them hand him the ball before they can start a play. And you know how they say defense wins championships? Funny, I don’t think I’ve seen Cam Newton ever play a single down of defense.

I guess if I’m going to talk about Cam Newton, I have to mention the dancing. I wouldn’t go as far as saying his dancing is criminal, but I would say arresting him for dancing is totally reasonable. Are we forgetting there are children watching these games? If parents wanted their children to see a grown adult gyrating and thrusting right in front of them, then instead of taking them to watch a football game, they would take them to a football game and then allow them to turn their heads slightly to the right or left to see the cheerleaders.

I’ve also heard it suggested that Newton’s habit of passing out footballs to children is praiseworthy, while others have even said the same about his charity work. This is a direct attack on the American family. Dads have always gotten kids footballs so kids will love them back and know to call them “Dad.” Now you have a bunch of kids who are not only getting a football better than any football their dad can get them but who are also now probably confused if Cam Newton is actually their dad.

And this totally isn’t a race thing, but Peyton Manning is like 13 years older than Cam Newton. Who takes on someone that much older just to win a Super Bowl ring? What a thug.