Reflecting + Update 2

I have no idea where to start so I guess I’m going to try to start from the beginning of everything. Sorry if this ends up abundantly long with way too much detail. I have said most of this stuff before but I feel like I need to bring everything up again to completely explain my situation at the moment.



Also I don’t hate my dad at all, I love my dad and I know that he feels the same. I just feel like I owe it to everyone to be open about everything that has happened and that is happening at the moment. This also helps me keep my thoughts together and lets me vent.



In grade 4 stuff started to get really hard for my family. My mom had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and had chronic pain in her knees that worsened over the years, so she needed a lot of special care since she wasn’t able to walk. I think this sparked a lot of depression and anxiety in my family. I ended up missing 80% of that school year because of depression, and because of my lack of attendance we had Children's Aid making visits to our house and trying to take away custody from my parents.



At the end of that year my mom randomly had an aneurysm and passed away shortly after. Her side of the family cut us off after that happened and we haven’t talked to them since, minus her father and his wife whom he remarried. We typically only see them and talk to them at Christmas though. My father's side of the family have been very off and on in my life and I can only really recall 2-3 years where they were really a part of our life. I’m not 100% sure why that is, and it isn’t on bad terms but it just doesn’t feel right to me to ask them for help.



Anyway, things were up and down after my mother passed away. It kind of served as a wake up call for us to get our shit together but our house’s mortgage was too much for a single parent to manage so we went a year without having hot water, with occasional periods where we’d struggle more with money. We would have to go to a local gym in order to bathe since we just couldn’t afford to at home.



Things were okay for a few years after that, we moved to a small apartment in not the best area (my home atm) but we were at least able to afford everything we needed.



My dad didn’t start drinking until maybe 5 or so years back. At first it was very rarely and it progressively became a more frequent thing. I had a girlfriend for the last couple years of high school when this was starting to become a legitimately serious issue. She was the only person I really talked to about this stuff for the longest time.



She lived far enough to where I had to bus up to go and see her, and being a high school student that made it possible for me to do it once or so a week. Unfortunately the days where I would visit her I would often come home to some kind of disaster, like my dad passing out with the oven on and my apartment being filled with smoke, or him taking my dog out for a walk and just forgetting him outside on the street all day while he went in and passed out. There have been times where he was drunk and passed out, falling onto broken bottle shards and severely cutting himself to the point we had to call paramedics. I’ve also had him flop on driving my home when he promised he would, forcing me to walk for 2+ hours in the rain.



Due to all of this bad stuff happening when I was gone I became very distant and bad in my relationship since I was constantly paranoid every time I wasn’t home, and we broke up after ~2 years. It’s probably better that this is the case but it made me feel like i didn’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff and I was learning to kind of just accept that this is life now



The back and forth nature of my dad’s drinking continued, and now we’re here. I ended up deleting my last twitlonger but it was about how my dad got fired while I was at Summit and has only really been drinking since to cope with it. He is the person who pays rent so this is an even bigger issue for me at the moment.



Since I posted it a lot has happened as well. Things got worse than they have ever been before. He was extremely drunk when he told me that he got fired and I guess didn’t like the way I responded to him telling me that (which IMO was a very reasonable response). A couple hours later he came out of his room mad at me saying I was shitting on him for what happened and how I don’t care about him. We started to argue and he ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, and started running to his room. I had to force myself into his room before he could close his door and lock it since he was talking and acting as if he was going to harm himself. I tried to talk him down which ended in him threatening to physically remove me from his room if I didn’t just leave him alone. We ended up calling the police and he was taken to the hospital for about 24 hours, then got home. Once he got home he kept going on about how being at the hospital was one of the worst experiences of his life. He was really distraught, and still drunk. Eventually he started to come back to normal and we started working out a plan of what we can do to get back on track, then we went to bed on a high note planning to discuss more today.



He started drinking again today before we had the chance to discuss anything and has been in his room for hours sleeping, waking up and drinking. I want to still help out but I feel like I’ve done everything in my power the last few years to help him out, I have been there for him constantly and it is starting to take a huge toll on my health.



My plan at the moment is to gather up all my small necessities and pack a bag of clothes and couch surf at some of my friend’s places while sending out resumes and actively looking for a job so I can hopefully get my own place as soon as possible. I’m unsure what I’m going to be able to bring with me, and likely won't be able to bring my PC everywhere I go and I’m unsure what’s going to happen with it so there’s a good chance I won’t really be able to stream. I’ll also probably have to find people to give my dog and my cat away unless my brother is able to figure something out with that.



Thanks everyone who has shown me support to me by donating or hitting messaging me. I’m really sorry for not responding to all of you but I do read everything and I’m very grateful. Also don't feel like you need to do those things at all. I promise I'm not making these updates as a way to beg for money, I just need to vent and get reassurance that I'm not doing anything stupid or wrong, and get as much advice as possible before I do something I really regret.



Much love <3



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