The due date for my 4th baby would have been this month. It wasn’t planned but it became a happy surprise after the shock wore off. Sadly, the pregnancy ended about 2 weeks after we found out about it.

The thing is, I never wanted to have a 4th child. Three is more than enough. When we first met, my boyfriend and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids together.

He was happy to help me raise my three and there was no need to add to the chaos.

But when we found out we were expecting, he was actually really happy. I never expected that response from him in regards to an “oops”. It was always a very firm “NOPE” from him when he was asked if he wanted kids of his own.

We were both sad when it ended. I think he was ever more sad than I was. Surprisingly he asked if we could try again, or at least see what happened without preventing it.

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“It” happened two more times over the last few months. Neither stuck. I probably wouldn’t have even known about those pregnancies if I wasn’t so obsessive with taking pregnancy tests. The tests were positive before my expected period even showed.

I guess they call those “chemical pregnancies”. The hormones are there, a pregnancy starts, but then never develops.

It happens but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

So now we are seeing what happens. Again. We will just keep going and see if I fall pregnant. But I have a funny feeling I’m not going to. I think I would have by now. Well, I have, they just weren’t viable.

I need to come to terms, again, with the fact that I won’t be having a 4th baby. I am getting up there in age. I am 37 right now but if I were to fall pregnant now, I’d be 38 when the baby was born.

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I didn’t intend to have kids that late in life. My youngest is 4 right now. The baby stage is long gone. Nobody wears diapers anymore. They sleep through the night most of the time. Oh, and they are all in school.

Do I really want to go back to the baby stage? My head says no but my heart says yes.

Even if I were five years younger, this wouldn’t even be a question. Yes, I would love to have another baby. I didn’t think I wanted one until I had it and it was gone.

If I was 35, I’d be fine to just let nature take its course and see what happened. But I think I might be a bit too old to take that stance now.

Time just isn’t on my side. Logically having another baby seems like a dumb idea. There is really no reason to do it. I have 3 healthy, happy kids. I should be content with that.

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I do know that I would love another baby if it came alone. I just don’t know if I can handle another loss nor do I think having a baby much past my 38th birthday would be a good plan on my part.

What might be best is to just tell myself that we will stick with the three wonderful kids we have. I need to wrap my head around the fact that my baby making days are probably over.

Then, if it happens, it happens. I just don’t know if I can take the heartache of another failed month of trying.

I had hoped that writing this all out would help give me some clarity on what I really want to do. I still don’t know.

I just know that it is a hard decision to make and I am sad I am at the point in life where I have to make it sooner rather than later.