What are Tories?

Tories are real people who live in the real actual world. Tories are quiet people and they don’t like to talk about what they believe in. Let’s try to understand the Tories. First, what do other people say about them?

What do socialists think of them?

Socialists are caring people who believe that the government should look after everybody. Because socialists mix with other socialists, they rarely meet Tories and they find it difficult to understand them. Socialists have come to see Tories as an unfathomable breed of people who are selfish and mean. Socialists think that Tories are responsible for all the bad things in the country.

Some socialists like to shout at Tories. They call them ‘Tory bastards’ and ‘Tory scum’. This activity shows other socialists that they are caring and thoughtful.

Working-class Tories

Socialists think the Tories are snobs who hate the working class. So why do many working-class people vote for Tories in elections? Why did working-class people such as David Davis, Stephen Crabb and John Major become Tories when they were grown-ups? It is the ‘right-wing press’ wot done it. It has spread outdated ideas of self-reliance, moral responsibility and suspicion of big government. This has warped the minds of gullible working-class people and created ‘false consciousness’.

Socialists understand that working-class people cannot think for themselves and are easily gulled by right-wing press barons like Rupert Murdoch. Socialists work hard to make them ‘aware’ that Tories have evil intentions. Unfortunately, a lot of working-class people think that it is the socialists who really despise them.

Tory is a bad word

Socialists add the word ‘Tory’ to everyday activities and objects. They do this to show that something is bad. It has extra impact when shouted loudly in a Scouse accent.

‘Tory austerity’ is a catchall phrase that is the cause of all bad things that happen, such as the Grenfell fire. A ‘Tory bastard’ is a tautology because all Tories are bastards, but it’s worth saying just to ram the point home.

The Tories are shy

Tories tend to be quite shy people. They have low self-esteem and lack confidence. Tories prefer to emerge every five years to tell people a little bit about themselves and what they like to do in their spare time. If you want to make a Tory feel comfortable, ask them about their hobbies, but don’t ask awkward questions like ‘So, this is the Brexit election, tell us about Brexit’ or ‘How will your policies make us all wealthier?’ Tories become introverted when faced with such difficult questions.

The Tories and the free market

In the olden days, the Tories believed in something called the free market. They believed that companies were better at providing services than the government. They believed that untrammelled competition between companies spurred innovation and drove prices down. Nowadays, the Tories have lost confidence in the free market. They have a new idea, called ‘welfare capitalism’. The government provides in-work benefits for companies by giving them cheap credit, government contracts and green subsidies. The government does not privatise services; it ‘outsources’ them. It tries to interfere in free markets through regulatory bodies. In this way, ‘state socialism’ has been defeated.

The Tories and the civil service

In the olden days, the Tories used to view the civil service as lethargic and self-serving. But civil servants are the purveyors of reason and the impartial arbiters of good policy. This has been proved by experts.

Sir Ivan Rogers was the UK’s ambassador to the EU. He was the ideal civil servant. Sir Ivan provided David Cameron with his masterful strategy to win concessions from the EU before the EU referendum. Sir Ivan has shown the Tories that the civil service knows best.

When Sir Ivan accused the Tories of ‘muddled thinking’, the Tories ‘thanked’ Sir Ivan ‘for his work’. Well done Sir Ivan. Three cheers for the civil service!

Big ideas

In the olden days, the Tories had big ideas. In the 1980s the Tories had an idea called ‘popular capitalism’. They developed policies to make people richer and more self-reliant. The Tories encouraged people to own their own houses and buy shares in privatised companies. They won elections. More recently, the Tories have stopped coming up with big ideas. They could work out how to kickstart the next industrial revolution, create well-paid jobs and make society richer, but they have lost confidence. They have decided to stop thinking at all and just roll up their sleeves and work really hard. Spare a thought for the Tories, because they have few of their own.

The Tories and Brexit

You may have heard about something called Brexit. A long time ago people voted for it. It was quite complicated and the Tories needed a year to decide what to do next. During the year, lots of people complained that Brexit was a bad thing, but the Tories kept quiet. Then the Tories decided that they should call an election. They called it the Brexit election, but they didn’t like to talk about the Brexit thing and they kept quiet. They only started talking again when lots of people voted for the Labour party. By then the Tories had almost lost their voice and no one could hear what they were saying. People started laughing. It was really quite sad.

The Tories like money

Tories are greedy because they want everybody to keep more of their own money and not give it to the government. Socialists want the government to take more of other people’s money, i.e. your money. They don’t want you to spend it on trivial, selfish things, like your family.

Some people might be surprised that the Tories have reduced poverty by reducing the amount of tax that poor people pay. Paradoxically, by reducing the top rate of tax they have increased the amount of tax that rich people pay. In 1979, the richest 1 per cent of people paid 11 per cent of the total tax take; today, the top 1 per cent pay 28 per cent of the total, enabling the government to spend more on health and education. The Tories do this because they only care about the rich and hate the poor.

The Tories and public finances

In the olden days, the Tories believed that the government should be careful about spending our money. They believed in something called ‘sound public finances’.

Some people said that the Tories were boring and that they should ‘live a bit’. The Tories don’t like to be called boring and they created a special low-interest credit card for themselves. They have now maxed out this credit card and public debt is 90 per cent of the economy. The Tories have beaten the previous record-holder, Gordon Brown, who achieved a very boring 40 per cent.

Tories are actually quite fun sometimes.

The Tories and the green blob

The Tories are frightened of something called the ‘green blob’. The green blob shouts that the world is going to burn up, the sea will swamp us and the planet is dying. The Tories want to be friends with the green blob, but it just demands more money. The Tories have ended the free market in energy production, increased prices and paid out billions of pounds in subsidies. The green blob just gets angrier. Sometimes the Tories are scared.

The world stage

In the olden days, the Tories used to be masters of something called the ‘world stage’. They would show off their nuclear weapons, their seat on the UN Security Council and their special friendship with America.

Nowadays, the Tories feel awkward when they are invited to big meetings with world leaders. They want to feel important, but don’t know what to say. They know that people don’t like the Russians, so they make jokes about them. If the conversation turns serious, they furrow their brows and talk about climate change.

Tories like choice in education policy

Tories believe that good schools should multiply and bad schools should be closed. They also believe that parents should be able to choose where their children go to school. The Tories have created lots of choice in education policy. This includes grammar schools, free schools, academies and religious schools and schools run by local authorities. The Tories believe in lots of choice.

Great names

Many Tory leaders have historic agreements and movements named after them. These include the Balfour Declaration and Thatcherism. This great Tory era will be named after Theresa May. Theresa is named after the month of May, which is known for its variable and unpredictable weather in anticipation of a summer that may not arrive. Mayism will be a rallying cry for future generations who demand that something may or may not happen and if it does it may be caused by something else.

The Tories are a little lost; be nice to them.