Scotland will be ‘more susceptible’ to zombie invasion under independence, claim Better Together.

Alex Salmond was yesterday accused of trying to lead Scotland into “the darkest day of horror known to man” after a report suggested being eaten alive by the undead would be more likely in an independent Scotland.

Unionist ministers leapt on the findings, snarling and foaming at the mouth, before ripping into the First Minister, demanding he reveal the SNP’s zombie policy and outline any other catastrophes he was hiding from the Scottish public.

The findings of the report, commissioned by the Better Together campaign in conjunction with the coalition UK government, were discussed at a Scottish Affairs Committee in which several experts on disaster prevention were interrogated by Westminster MP’s.

Professor Bub Romero, who was questioned for over 34 hours without a break, was asked to name any unique and potential scenarios that could more likely occur in the event of a ‘yes’ vote in the 2014 referendum. Looking very drowsy and slightly peckish, Professor Romero answered by lifting his arms, rolling his eyes back and growling:

Braaaaaaaaaains.”

The evidence was quickly spread across the Twittersphere and first revealed by Labour MP Jim Murphy who tweeted:

Just confirmed in Scottish affairs committee – an indy Scotland would be overrun by the undead. Disgraceful. #BetterTogether #Zombishambles”

Stephen Fry, who has an opinion on everything according to lazy journalists, tweeted:

As long as we ban pufferfish and triggerfish, which contain Tetrodotoxin – the toxin which produces zombies – from the UK we’ll be fine.”

Rio Ferdinand, who also has an opinion on everything according to lazy journalists, tweeted:

Bloody jocks. See, this is why hand-shaking is a dodgy business. You don’t know what somebody’s been eating.”

Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson, in another of her unfunny monologues, said:

Not content with wowing us by impersonating Nixon, Clinton and Del Boy Trotter all at once, we can add another moniker – the First Minister is Salm of the Dead. “I wonder if Alex Salmond can tell us how he plans on removing this inevitable zombie disease from our shores. Well I can provide the answer for him. Everybody but the SNP knows that the only way to defeat a million zombies is to tie them up over a long period of time and let them all starve. “And there you have it – another example of how the First Minister is turning this country into North Korea.”

Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon leapt to the defence of the SNP’s policy, insisting it would be exactly the same as that of any other independent nation.

Ms Sturgeon told Gordon Brewer on Newsnat Scotland:

As you are well aware, any apocalypse scenario policy is a matter reserved to Westminster. “However, I find it laughable that the Tory-led government and the Better Together campaign can spend a great deal of time telling everyone who will listen that an independent Scotland would be cut off from the world, physically and emotionally, yet be the first nation to fall from a zombie attack. “If the Better Together campaign is to be believed, nobody will be able to just shuffle into Scotland from the rest of the British Isles and eat somebody. And the infected will certainly not get through the supposed stricter border controls on the ground and in the air. “They can’t have it both ways. Longer queues at the airport, or zombies. Pick one. “And by the way, ‘Salm of the Dead’ doesn’t work.”

When asked for clarification on the findings in regards to an undead invasion, Professor Romero confirmed after a nice long nap that at no point in the report is a zombie apocalypse mentioned, and at no point during the Scottish affairs committee meeting was the subject actually raised.

Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment, but deputy leader Anas Sarwar was. For some reason, he was equipped with a lie detector machine at the time of interview.

Mr Sarwar said:

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”

These new claims are a further blow to Yes Scotland, who are yet to provide clarity over the Loch Ness Monster.

Ray McRobbie

raymcrobbie.com