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Even after re-reading the critical United Nation’s IPCC report this morning, Federal Environment Minister Melissa Price is still arguing that 91 of the world’s brightest climate scientists are “drawing a long bow” in calling for an end to coal power in a bid to limit global warming.

The former mining sector employee turned nameless cabinet reshuffle says that after visiting the iconic Cable Beach in Broome during low-tide, she can’t possibly see what all these Pacific nations are complaining about.

“They just want money. This is just alarmist scientists releasing reports that contradict the business practices of some our government’s biggest supporters”

“I’m not convinced”

“It would actually be a hindrance to my career, both in this party and in the private sector, if these findings were to be taken seriously”

“Plus, look at the beach. The water is ages away”

According to the report, the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) said global greenhouse gas emissions must reach zero by about 2050 in order to stop global warming at 1.5 degrees Celsius – but that’s not really enough to convince the Australian government.

“What’s two degrees difference gonna do” says Price.

“Aussies love warm weather”

The authors warned that if warming was allowed to reach 2C, the world would risk hitting “tipping points”, setting a course towards uncontrollable temperatures.