I’m not going to go and give you all that ‘beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’ crap because well, let’s face it, there’s hot, and then there’s not.

So when your buddy says someone is hot, you can revert to this list, and ask him to specify, so you can call him out if it’s an ugly bitch.

Office Hot

The reason we consider someone hot is because that person is more attractive than others in the community, i.e. the world. When you work with a group of people 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, you establish a tertiary community, a sub-community, if you will. Because you are narrowing the scope of what you see, your judgment may very well be clouded. You see, office hot is the hottest girl at the office. She may be a 6 or a 7 in the outside world, god hopes she’s not a 4, but in the office, she’s a 10. Remember to gauge your reaction to this alleged ‘hottie’ and always compare with the outside world. That way, you don’t find yourself ball-and-chained to a 4.

Memory Hot

Everyone has made this mistake before, it’s in our nature. Many years ago, in middle school, the hottest girl I knew was a redhead named Emily. Blue eyed, slim, gorgeous. Up until a few weeks ago, I continued to think this. Why? Because when I was young, I found her attractive. As I grew older, our brains do this lovely thing of ‘filling in the gaps’ so when I thought she was hot, my brain relegated her to hot and helped convince me. A few weeks ago, however, I looked in an old yearbook and saw her picture. This 9 turned out to be literally cross-eyed, bucktoothed, on the heavier side, and even looked like she had broken her nose 4 times. Don’t be a victim of memory hot; they’re never as good-looking as you remember them.

Hit-It-Hot

This hot is a dangerous hot, as it changes by the hour. You may even consider the 6 at your office, who isn’t the office hot, hit-it-hot because of the closed community. Gentlemen, don’t, she’s a 2. As the name state’s, hit-it-hot means a woman is hot enough that you’d fuck and duck, hump and dump, however you want to put it, you’d have a one nighter with this broad. As I said, though, beer goggles, lighting, and a whole mess of other factors can adjust the hit-it-hot quality. Do yourself a favor and observe this woman on multiple occasions, keep track of how you rate her through the night, and rely on your lowest number to be your guide. Fuck averaging, the lowest number is the one you’ll remember.

Supermodel Hot

This is the kind of hottie you would have no chance with. Why? because she’s the one you see in movies, on the pages of magazines, and fantasize about getting her naked. No one can contest you on supermodel hot, she’s just gorgeous. If you ever do get a chance, we at Regretful Morning recommend you hit it, hard. That way, when she posts about her regretful hookup with you from the night before, you can come here and read about it!

Beer Hot

Unlike Hit-It-Hot, this hottie has a separate ratings system all to herself. It’s not a scale of 1-10, but how many beers you would need in you before you’d go home with her (or it). Typically, you wouldn’t want to go home with one of these ladies, but when it’s a slow night at the pub and you’ve got yourself in the mood, hell, why not. Although, we highly recommend you wait until you find a Hit-It-Hot babe, rather than one of the Beer-hotties. The final determination for classification under this category is when you wake up in the morning, roll over and look at her and think or say ‘Wow. You look like I need a beer.”

Retro Hot

You cannot determine retro hot. We’re not saying probably, we’re saying you can’t, it’s not how this works. Retro hot goes back decades, even hundreds of years. That long ago, standard were far different than they are today, and the hottest woman of the time period may only be a 3 on todays scale, but back then, she was the bees knees! If not by you, how is this determined? Think of everyone we know today to be supermodel hot, and 10s and 9s. Years from now, the women may be even hotter. If they are (and let’s pray they are), than today’s babes would be classified as retro hot, by that generation.

Aging Wife Hot

This is by far the sweetest and rarest hot on this list. How does this occur? When you go out with the girl of your dreams, regardless of her number, and you think she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. You go out, sleep together, get married, and age. Years later, as the two of you are approaching 30, 40, 60 years old, she’s still the most gorgeous woman in the world, and you couldn’t even imagine having eyes for anyone else. This is the rarest hot on the list, as I mentioned earlier, and it is also the hottie we all hope we find some day.

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