Because we still haven't gotten around to watching Cosmopolis, though we hear it's good.

'Breaking Bad' Creator Thinking Maybe Next Season Should Take Dark Turn

Because Breaking Bad was the show of 2012 until everyone decided it was Homeland.

Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger

Because we're sure this actually happened somewhere in the world.

The Best Headline 50 Shades' Cultural Relevance Could Ever Give Us

Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

Just... maybe this could have gone in the previous group, too.

The Best Joke About Fat People

Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate

Because we've all been there.

The Best Slideshow of Teenage Boys

Hot Boys We Liked in 2012

Because, well, it's not the best Sexiest Man Alive story. (More on that in a minute.) But it still deserves to be nominated for something, because it's hilarious and accurate while still being creepy.

The Most Close-to-Home Story of the Year

Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

One of the best things The Onion does is take a real life situation and do a small write up for it. They nailed this one, which happens across the world all the time every day.

The Best Reaction to the Protests in Egypt

Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While

Because, really though, she just wants some attention.

Grossest But Also Best Reaction to That Silly Petraeus Affair

Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director

Remember when that was a thing? The weeks immediately after the election were hilarious. We would talk about anything. Anyway, mom needs to keep some things to herself.

The Best Not-About-What-You-Think-It's-About Headline

Millions Without Power Following Election

Because voting matters and this isn't about Hurricane Sandy, surprisingly.

The Best and Most Obvious Reaction to Todd Akin

Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate

Because only The Onion can get away with this and we thank them for it.

The Most Humbling Onion Story of the Year

God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation

Because it's true. Mountains are cooler than us.

The Best Reaction to the Only Thing Dumber than Peter Parker Dying That Happened in Comics This Year

Economically Healthy 'Daily Planet' Now Most Unrealistic Part Of Superman Universe

Clark Kent quit the Daily Planet to start a blog, or something. He wants to be Matthew Keys, probably. They nailed this one, though, because honestly how the heck does the Daily Planet succeed and not even have a paywall.

The Best 'Well I Was Listening to Document the Other Day...' Story

Ahmadinejad Kind Of Getting Back Into Old R.E.M. Again

Who can blame him?

The Only Thing That Can Explain the Prevalence of Electronic Music

Guitar Music Fad Runs Course