Russell Morcroft 61 of Whyalla South Ausralia is a widowed former long haul trucker that has been battling type 2 diabetes for the past 18 years loosing his left leg to the condition 4 years ago after drinking a 5 star health rated apple juice marketed at children that actually had more sugar in it then Shane Jacobson’s diet.

Bored of life Russell chose to go on a bender and after days without eating only surviving on the calories in the substances he was taking such as marijuana, LSD and drug local to the Whyalla area known as electric mud trying to find himself, escape from his debilitating depression and the monotony of every day life as a cripple. So while high he decided to end it all, hobbling over to the locked cabinet where his sister had stashed all the sugary foods and started to make him self a nutella sandwich while he penned his suicide note.

SUICIDE NOTE: When I die I’ll be buried and slowly decompose till I’m nothing and by that point the carbon that was my body will have become part of the earth. One day the sun will explode destroying with it our earth. What was our earth is now floating around in the cosmos in the form of gas and rock looking for a new home. Maybe the carbon that once was I will settle to slowly become another planet specifically a tree, a tree that bares fruit. One day some form of life will eat and digest that fruit that the elements that was once I. Point of the story is that even billions and billions of years from now I’ll still find a way to be a piece of shit.

Russell was found sleeping perfectly balanced on his head at his flat by his sister Candice who visits Russell every weekend and when he didn’t wake up after she laid a smelly poo next to his head she called OOO and had her brother rushed to the local hospital in the tray of Bruce’s the local GP’s ute with ambulice written incorrectly down the side and proceeded to shove him into a jumper made of rocks to stop him rolling around as they speed down the dirt road.

He woke the next day in hospital 10 cm shorter as 17% of middle section was removed as it had gone not sour but much much to sweet. The doctors say if he had gotten to the hospital any later he would have died.

Its believed the acid he dropped has sent him mad as he is now convinced his arms are being controlled by a Hispanic Millipede that lives in the urethra of a Macedonian man via telekinesis.