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It seems rats are know chewing in the ranks, as Prime Minister Morrison continues his death spiral towards being forced into a Mike-Baird-style ‘personal reasons’ resignation and a lifetime of lobbying Liberal Party policy on behalf of the Pentecostal Christians.

While Scotty From Marketing is far too egotistical to simply pull the pin himself, his far-right orchestrator is now gleefully rubbing his hands together. Or more specifically his knives.

But first he must learn how to count. For he knows as well as anyone that the Australian people will be hesitant to support a leader who aren’t good with numbers – and he’s already had one strike when he his ally Steven Ciobo butchered the math on the number of people who supported him in making a leadership tilt.

However, after a year of non-stop gaffes by the Happy Clapping middle ground that the Liberal Party chose between Turnbull and Dutton, the Minister For Home Affairs has taken a break from violating human rights in offshore detention and began sharpening his blades in the rumpus room of his 6-bed McMansion in Strathpine.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nineteen, eleven, twelve…” he says out loud before realising he’d caught himself up.

“Hold on a second…”

“Fuck!”

“Let’s go again. One, two, three, four, five…”

This comes after several heavyweights in the Liberal Party confronted Dutton about his numbers problem just over 12 months ago – following the most recent libspill that saw the former highway Queensland bring the party to its knees.

The President of The Liberal Party Nick Greiner reportedly called Dutton into his office to discuss a few self help options for the Member For Dickson.

“One Three Double Ohhh, Six Triple Fiveeee Ohhhh Six,” he sang to the Home Affairs Minister as he walked into the office.

Griener then proceeded to walk Dutton through some pamphlets he had obtained earlier and asked the aspiring leader to please call the National Reading and Writing Hotline to sort out his numerical illiteracy before he tried that shit on again.

Back in Kirribilli, a confident Scotty From Marketing still seems to think he has this bushfire ravaged nation of heathen non-believers under control, and has even spill-proofed himself with a new threshold to trigger a Liberal leadership change in government, requiring two-thirds of the partyroom vote to trigger a spill motion.

However, the two-thirds thresh-hold seems more and more achievable for Dutton by the day, as two thirds of the country is well and truly on fire and well over two-thirds of the country are still seething about that Hawaii holiday.

“It’s go time” Dutton whispers to himself.

“Lets get chubby Malcolm”