Friends, today only I will share with you, at absolutely no charge, my incredible 100% guaranteed four step method for farming trees both awesomely and efficiently. You will be amazed. You will be astounded. You may wish to leave now if you are pregnant or suffer from a heart condition.

I will be assuming you have a standard tree farm. Mine looks like this, a fenced off area containing about eight trees in close proximity. Mmm, lovely trees. So much sturdy wood. But, ugh! We’re going to have to laboriously hack through all that useless foliage to get it, right? Wrong!

Step 1: Minor pruning.

Okay, so we will have to hack through a little foliage. Just trim it back so it’s not touching any nearby fences or doors. The reason for this will become apparent in step 2.

Step 2: Arson.

Get out your flint and steel, and set fire to your trees.

No really, trust me here. Burn them real good.

Step 3: It’s not a trick, get an axe.

Now, this is the important part. Yes, all that lovely wood you want to harvest is now on fire. But crucially, the foliage burns much faster than the wood. So you have a precious window of opportunity when most of the leaves have burned away but the wood is still there. Make sure you have your axe ready so you can run into your burning arboretum, and start hacking away unencumbered by annoying greenery.

Be careful, fire is hot, and it can burn you. But not too careful, because you need to chop quickly to gather as much wood as you can before it burns away. After a little practice, I have no doubt you’ll be able to salvage nearly all the wood with only minor injuries to your person.

Step 4: Replant, repeat.

Once all your trees are chopped down and nothing is on fire any more, simply replant your field with saplings, wait a few days, and repeat.

Not only is this method of tree farming fast and efficient, it’s also extremely bad-ass. Being the primary occupation of the noble lumberjack, chopping up trees with an axe is intrinsically a bad-ass activity. Clearly, therefore, chopping up trees that are on fire is even more bad-ass; my calculations show it may be as much as three to five times more. But you don’t need to take my word for it; try it and see