1987 was a magical year. For one thing, I was born (and the world has been endlessly better for it). Another was that The Simpsons first appeared on the Tracy Ullman show. That was pretty great. However, overshadowing both of those monumental events was the time that Spider-man married Mary Jane at Shea Stadium with Stan Lee officiating. Video proof embedded below:

Although this was before the era of high-budget hype-machines like The Avengers, you’d think Marvel could do better than renting a $20 costume and tossing it on the first guy they could find. Especially if they were going to be on TV.

Weirdest three-way ever.

“The mock ceremony, to promote a special wedding issue of the Amazing Spider-Man comic book, which goes on sale next Tuesday, will take place at home plate in front of more than 45,000 fans just before the New York Mets play the Pittsburgh Pirates. The couple, played by models, will be attended by other models portraying the Incredible Hulk, Captain America, Ice-Man, Fire-Star, Green Goblin and Dr. Doom.

At the final fitting of her gown, Ms. Watson (actually Tara Shannon, a model) said the wedding had to be held in Shea Stadium to accommodate all her previous beaus. This might explain Spider-Man’s recent behavior. ’‘He’s been pacing the ceiling for weeks,” she said.“

The video is a real treat with Mary Jane telling us far too much about her love life, saying "It’s all that webbing and what he can do with them that won my heart.” Dear god, I don’t even want to know what that entails.

Nothing says True Love like San Francisco at Houston.

For those looking just for the wedding footage, skip ahead to 4:23 and you’ll be blessed with an even better surprise. That’s right, John “Mr. Roundball Rock Himself” Tesh hosts the Entertainment Tonight coverage of the ceremony.

Sadly, despite the stunt being held as a marketing ploy for the comic, Amazing Spider-man Annual #21 doesn’t feature a wedding held at Shea Stadium. It’s okay though, because there is this panel:

The “real life” nuptials however did feature these vows:

“Do you promise to never leave footprints on the walls or ceilings, or cobwebs in the corners? And do you agree to pinch-hit for the Mets if they ask you?"

Sadly for Spider-man, the Mets didn’t need another man off the bench as pinch-hitters batted .284 with 7 home runs for the club that year.

As for the game, clearly the less important event, the Mets defeated the Jim Leyland-led Pirates 6-1 behind a strong performance from Dwight Gooden and 2.1 innings from Jesse Orosco. Even stranger than a reliever going multiple innings is that this date marked Gooden’s first start since returning from rehab for his cocaine problem. Gooden held a press conference after the game, but would only answer questions relating to the contest. We’ll never know if he felt rejected by Mary Jane or not. Pun definitely not intended.

Barry Bonds was also in attendance that day, going 0-for-5 with 2 strikeouts. Though we can only speculate, perhaps this was the day he decided to use steroids after seeing the kind of happiness a radioactively-augmented man could achieve.

Those with $100 to spend can also pick up the greatest souvenir ever created and pretend they were in attendance with this special edition Spider-man poster and bag commemorating America’s Royal Wedding. $100? Why, I’d pay $10,000 for the bag alone!

In addition to Wally Backman, Darryl Strawberry, Roger McDowell, and Lee Mazilli, the poster showcases frightening analogues for Captain America, Hulk, Ice-Man and Firestar. I think. I can only identify the players and heroes thanks to the writeup in The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

This is the perfect time to remind anyone who hasn’t seen it of the time that Spider-man literally fought a wall at Shea Stadium with Morgan Freeman as the umpire. Seriously. This was a thing:

Oh, Citi Field, will you ever inspire artists to achieve such heights?