The CDC recently made a bold recommendation, which I will paraphrase below:

“If you think you might have a uterus, you should avoid being in the same building as alcohol. To be really safe, avoid social events where others are drinking, because your uterus can detect the proximity of alcohol and might absorb airborne particles of certain merlots, which it can then use to poison a fetus you’re not actually carrying but may carry at some point in the next 20 years. Better safe than sorry!”

Now let me start by saying that I feel super comfortable with this recommendation. I have always wanted to live my life as a Quaker, but I’ve never had Science to further push me toward this lifestyle choice. Yesterday was my lucky day! Thank you CDC!

If you’re anything like me you are pretty sure you own a uterus, or else you know somebody who does. The point is there are a LOT of uteruses freely walking the streets right now, able to have an afternoon cocktail at a moment’s notice. Some of these uteruses even go to Happy Hours! How have we let this go unchecked for so long?

That’s the real question here.

In light of our new hyper-vigilance over non-existent fetuses, I think it would be only prudent to add a further recommendation to the CDC website. For the children.

I propose that men of child-producing age (which goes to what, like 70 or so?) not be allowed to ride in motor vehicles. Do you have any idea how many sperm all of those men are carrying around with them on a given day? BILLIONS AND BILLIONS! And have you even seen how dangerous the roads are?? Ladies, those sperm cruising in the fast lane down I-95 are OUR future children! Are we just going to sit back and allow this?

I don’t think so.

I am more than happy to give up drinking for 25 years or so. As long as men agree to stay off the streets where they can keep their sperm safe.

It just makes good sense.