by Sarah Jae Leiber. @sarahjaeleiber.

PHILADELPHIA - Main Line investment banker Henry Van Doren held a virtual press conference today where he told constituents that free or low-cost digital livestreams of plays and musicals are single-handedly killing live theatre, just two years after he paid $849 for a single premium ticket to see Hamilton on tour, sources confirmed.





“All I’m saying is, people like me should be able to pay a premium for a premium experience,” said Van Doren, who saw the same show that people who paid even a quarter of the price got to see. “If people want to pay only 10 dollars, they shouldn’t be offered the same exposure to live theatre that the rest of us have. Like, maybe there can be a system where they can watch, but they have to sit 45 feet away from their computer screens.”





Evelyn McCoy, duct tape heiress and theatre historian, shared similar concerns.





“Elite seats have existed for as long as theatre has existed,” noted McCoy, who believes that purchasing Rush tickets causes arthritis. “In Shakespeare’s time, people paid more so they didn’t have to stand. In the time of the Greeks, people paid more so they wouldn’t be fed to lions. It’s a tradition as grand as any other, and I hate to see all that rich history crumble on behalf of some silly virus. Making theatre that accessible is truly dangerous to how I, a 93-year old who has never clocked in or out of anything, have always experienced it. ”





Cokie Van Doren, Henry’s daughter and an actress/singer/mover, expressed distress at the uncertain future of her beloved artform.





“Theatre is meant to be seen in person,” stated Van Doren, who physically can’t say the phrase “school group”. “There’s nothing like being in that dark, dark room surrounded by people who love what they’re watching and who paid at least $200 to be there. Therefore, I believe the livestreams should cost no less than $2,000 and a golden sundial. How can we call ourselves a community if we lose everything that makes us a community?”





Van Doren claims to be developing a virtual reality software so that affected theatregoers can simulate their limo ride, arrival, and purchase a $17 cocktail at any of Broadway’s 41 theaters. The software will be available at no charge to any qualified applicant who makes over six figures a year and owns at least three show horses.



