Look, I know Tennessee is a dumpster fire of a program run by mosquito dick administrators who consistently make the dumbest possible decision when given any choice at all, but even I am stunned at the incompetence of new athletic director John Currie and his decision to hire Greg Schiano.

Okay, so you miss on Chip Kelly because he’d rather go to Los Angeles, fine. And Jon Gruden does his I have low self esteem so I’m going to flirt with you because my present employer, ESPN is a basket full of dicks rapidly rolling towards bankruptcy.

And you miss on Dan Mullen because he’d rather go to Florida, fine. I don’t blame him, Florida is a better job than Tennessee.

Okay, so what, it happens, most schools don’t have a flawless search and get their top candidate.

What you do in these situations is you don’t panic, you survey the field and make a reasoned decision.

You have a great job to offer someone. There is a great hire out there. Don’t allow yourself to be rushed into a stupid hire. That’s how you end up with Butch Jones.

Which brings us to this — in what universe does it make sense to hire Greg Fucking Schiano right now? We’re talking about a guy with a losing record in college football at Rutgers who got fired by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and just vanished from coaching until Urban Meyer decided to hire him as defensive coordinator. The most memorable thing he’s done with the Buckeyes so far is hit a bicyclist on campus.

Oh, and Greg Schiano was named in court testimony last year as a former coach at Penn State who knew about the Jerry Sandusky child molestation investigation. We’re talking about in court testimony, this isn’t just some cockamamie rumor. It’s something that was said in court under oath. Sure, Schiano denies it, but when’s the last time someone raised their hand and said, “You know what, upon recollection I did know about an assistant coach raping a kid and kept quiet about it. Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

What is the fucking rush here? Who else is going to hire Greg Schiano? You don’t take home a five from the bar at seven at night.

Literally no one else with a top forty job is hiring Greg Schiano this offseason.

No one.

If John Currie’s exhaustive search process turned up Greg Fucking Schiano as the best option, well, guess what, go back to the drawing board and reassess.

This is a massive hire that needs to reunite the entire Tennessee program. Right now there are a ton of coaches who could do that. Among them: Mike Leach, Lane Kiffin, Kevin Sumlin, Bobby Petrino, hell even Mike Norvell. At least all of them offer some offensive excitement and have proven they can win at a high level in the South.

All five of these guys would come to Tennessee right now too.

All five of them wouldn’t have members of the state legislature Tweeting out their disdain for the hire. All five of them wouldn’t have protesters arriving at Tennessee’s main football complex. All five of these guys wouldn’t have necessitated me Tweeting out John Currie’s cell phone number so you guys could register your disapproval.

All five of them wouldn’t have current members of the Tennessee athletic department Tweeting me, “What the fuck?” followed by a series of sad face emoticons.

If you don’t have the intestinal fortitude to make this hire — bring me in.

I’ll work for free and donate my time to make the right hire.

Yes, I have a billion jobs right now and I’m out here building a media empire and conquering the world every day, but it’s clear the state of Tennessee needs me to make all important decisions. Senate, football coaches, what play call should the Titans run on first down — HINT NOT A RUN UP THE MIDDLE EVERY GODDAMN TIME — I’m here to make the world a better place and use my expert King Solomon of the Internet skills to unite us, not divide us.

After all, I am the King of Tolerance and I sit on the Iron Throne of Inclusion.

If you’re afraid of all the blame, fuck it, I will hire this next coach and I will come out at the press conference and take every ounce of responsibility and blame.

But, just a warning, when we win a national championship because of the coach I hire, I will be totally and completely fucking insufferable forever. (To the extent I’m not already.)

Hell, I’ll even personally guarantee the buyout if you give me about three more years to bank a few more million.

Just whatever you do, I implore you, DO NOT HIRE GREG FUCKING SCHIANO.

Go back to the drawing board, reassess. And make a good hire that unites the fan base.

In the meantime, here is John Currie’s cell phone. The voicemail is full so I’d encourage you to text your thoughts to him.