CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced Tuesday that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors. “These adjustments will make the process much more efficient when in search of the best, brightest, and most deserving new Harvard students,” said Dean of Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons, who briefly outlined the process through which the DNA of all the university’s 1,000 most generous donors would be spliced together in order to create students who meet the most crucial qualifications for attending Harvard. “Those who have donated an entire building or a wing of one of our libraries will have their DNA moved to the top of the list, where it will be recombined with genetic material of a similar pedigree. This saves a lot of time we would otherwise spend tediously pretending to review applications, allowing us to focus on ensuring every student we accept is a good fit for Harvard.” Fitzsimmons was forced to cut the press conference short following the news of an explosion at the laboratory triggered by the volatile genetic mixing of a hundred-million-dollar donor and a political legacy.

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