My Christmas gift to myself was taking a week off from Floribama Shore, so this will be a two-episode recap to catch up.

The Christmas-week episode “Floribama Pride” opens with the crew out partying in downtown St. Petersburg, where we are led via commentary from talking-head Aimee to believe that what we’re seeing is evidence of an actual human romance brewing between Nilsa and Kristen, the woman Jeremiah has kind of been awkwardly dating.

Floribama Shore may be completely lacking of a single gay character, but it does have Nilsa, whose “psychic says she’s supposed to be a lesbian,” and who in this episode casually jokes that perhaps the reason she hasn’t found a soul mate yet is because her true soul mate is a woman, and who (we are told, via Aimee again) has a flirty moment with Kristen in the back of the taxi. Kristen comes back to the house, post club, but blows off Jeremiah’s earnest but cringe-y attempts at a heart-to-heart to instead heat and deliver a Hot Pocket to Nilsa’s bedroom, as one does.

Nothing happens between them, but the next day the gang attends the St. Pete Pride celebration. A cynic might accuse Floribama Shore of trying to compensate for something with these story lines. Yes, a cynic might say that. But this is reality TV. “Real” is right there in the name of the genre, guys. The end.

Somewhere in there Mattie Lynn Breaux, who was a cast member on the CMT reality series Party Down South, which also filmed for a season in St. Pete, arrives for a stay at the shore house at the invitation of Gus. He befriended her back when they appeared on MTV’s The Challenge together.

Here’s how Mattie’s arrival went, and I swear I’m not leaving anything out:

Mattie shows up. Candace and Nilsa rave about how much they love her because she “seems chill.” Everyone goes to a pool party in Treasure Island. Mattie seems awesome. Heavy, heavy drinking. Super fun times. Someone gave Mattie a whistle. Okay, not a great idea, kind of annoying, but okay. Everyone returns to the shore house. Mattie starts yelling. “Where are the bull sharks? 'Cause I will wrestle it," and, “Jesus called, he wants vodka!” All right, not sure what she’s talking about but still fun. Yelling intensifies. Aggressive pointing begins. “If you don’t stand for nothing, you will fall for nothing!” and, “You better call Jesus right now or my lawyer or someone’s gonna have a problem.” It’s getting uncomfortable, but everyone is sort of just calmly watching her. Mattie decides she has worn out her welcome and tearfully announces, “It’s time to go back home.” Bawling begins.

In a talking head confessional, Mattie explains she just doesn’t “know how to handle this situation.” What situation?! Either we’re missing like 30 minutes of footage, or, actually, I have no idea what else could have happened here.

Mattie’s breakdown is not the biggest faux pas of the week, though. That would go to Nilsa, who orders three large pepperoni pizzas from Hungry Howie’s with garlic herb crust. Garlic herb? Everyone knows you always go Cajun crust.

In the latest episode, we learn Mattie hasn’t left, but has helped the gang find a new job at Hubbard’s Marina in John’s Pass. Codi sounds like he’s going to heave as he explains that their tasks include cutting up squid for bait and cleaning shrimp tanks. Then Codi actually heaves as he throws out garbage bags of fish parts.

Somewhere in here, Candace falls down the stairs and makes a sound similar to that TV reporter who fell down while crushing grapes in an early viral YouTube video. Thankfully, she’s fine.

Aimee heads back to Panama City Beach for a court date in her battery charge and visits Kortni while she’s there and makes the mistake of taking a peek at Kortni’s freshly tonsillectomied throat, a.k.a. the portal to hell. Get well soon, Kortni. The house needs you.

Gus and Jeremiah still have not reconciled after their big fight two episodes back. Which is perfect, because everyone heads to Airheads Adventure Arena for some trampoline dodgeball action, and guess who ends up on opposite teams? Jeremiah and “I used to play third base in high school” Gus. Gus, heaving dodgeballs with the intent of murder, leads his team to victory. The wagered prize: The losers have to buy the winners dinner.

Gus, who winds up seated directly across from his bro-turned-nemesis Jeremiah at Thai Star Sushi Bar, gleefully orders roll after roll. And we’re not talking regular rolls. All. Specialty. Rolls. He caps it off with a volcano roll, and oh, does that sriracha burn, fueling Jeremiah’s rage with its spicy insult. Guess what? Jeremiah ain’t paying for that volcano roll. “He doesn’t even like to buy drinks at the club,” Candace reminds us.

Jeremiah tells the server how he wants to split the bill. (He’ll pay for one roll, one app and a sake, nothing more.) Mattie offers to cover the rest of Gus’ bill, and Gus taunts Jeremiah for letting a “girl” pay for his bet. Jeremiah says they can finish this at the house, but Gus says he wants to take it outside right then, and we end the week with a stare-down and a shove.