Subject 1A session log-2

Therapist: Dr. Vaile

Forward:Elijah came for a session earlier than scheduled. Physical signs of SCP-3234 are more visible than before. His mental state appears less stable than previous sessions.

<Begin Log, [██/██/██]>

Elijah: Hey, Doctor Vaile. I wanted to uh, talk to you if this is a good time?

Dr. Vaile: Of course, like I said in our last session, if you wanted to talk about something my door is always open.

Elijah: Thanks yeah I uh… I just wanted to get some thoughts out, see if you could… make sense of them? I don’t know why but those memories we talked about before, I can’t get them out of my mind. It’s like when I close my eyes it’s all I can see. Before, it hurt to even try to remember them. I shut them out and just sat on my own, letting the world go by while I stayed still. I still feel that… that stagnation, but now, well… it still hurts but I want to try? I don’t know how to explain it.

Dr. Vaile: Of course, Elijah. We can talk about anything you want to, what about that memory have you been thinking of?

Elijah: I think I know why I’ve been feeling so down lately. I can’t really put my finger on it, and it’s not exactly about the memory. It’s more about, how do I explain this? It’s like I’ve been thinking of… thinking of thinking about it? I don’t know how to like, express that but yeah.

Dr. Vaile: What about that did you want to get off your chest?

Elijah: Like, I think I’ve been feeling down because of something, right? There has to be… there has to be a reason why I’m feeling so shitty about myself. Like the only time I can think clearly is when I’m hurting, when I remember…Laura. Laura and her smile, and the… the feeling of being isolated I don’t quite understand.

Dr. Vaile: So you think that that memory has something to do with your illness?

Elijah: Yeah, I guess yes. I remember… not being like this. I didn’t feel…drained, When I was with Laura. I want to piece it together but I don’t know how. Sitting in that room… Just thinking and spinning in my own head and the only thought I can grasp that doesn’t fade out of sight is that one.

Dr. Vaile: That’s a good sign, Elijah. Talking about this seems to be stirring your mind in the right direction. Does it still feel like a broken puzzle now? I remember you talking about not remembering more than her smile, has that changed since we last talked?

Elijah: It’s sort of still a broken puzzle. Like, I hear sounds that don’t fit and I remember colours that I don’t… I don’t know why I remember them. But it’s like something is there, and if I just…just keep talking it might get clearer for me.

Dr. Vaile: That’s another good sign. I think I might be getting an idea as to what may be the root of this, segmentation of your memories. I’d like to hear more about Laura, I know last time it was a tough subject but I’m hoping that you feel like we can power through that together. What do you think?

Elijah: Yeah, Yes I want to. Well, I think that’s not quite right actually. I don’t want to, but I feel like I need to? Like somethings stuck in my throat, waiting to get out.

Dr. Vaile: Whenever you feel ready, I’m here to listen.

[Dr. Vaile takes a box of tissues off of the table and places it in front of Elijah.]

Elijah: Alright. I think…Yeah I’m ready. So, what I’ve put together so far… the last time I saw her. No that’s… No that’s not quite right I think, it wasn’t the last time? I think it was one of the last times I saw her. I remember being with her and watching her look over at me with that smile. It still…goes white after that but I remember that I was with her. I don’t know if that’s right, either, but it feels like it makes sense.

Dr. Vaile: And that’s when the pain comes back, right Elijah?

Elijah: Yeah. And the bright flash of colours, and the loud sounds…They all come around then but I can’t put it together. It’s like I have all of these things that should fit but I just can’t see how they connect.

Dr. Vaile: I have a question about that. I have a feeling that it might… [Dr. Vaile pauses briefly.] It might not be that you can’t put them together. I just wanted to know if it’s possible that you instead are forcing yourself to, not put it together. I get the feeling that there might be some part of you wants you to not remember. Does that make sense to you?

Elijah: I… [Elijah pauses, looking down at his feet momentarily before gathering his composure.] …You think so? That I’m…I’m holding it back?

Dr. Vaile: I think that might be the case, not consciously, but you could be internalising it to the point that it’s effecting you on a large scale. Does that sound like it might be correct, Elijah?

Elijah: I think… I think it might be. But, I don’t understand. Because, I want to remember, right? I’m trying and…not remembering is dull… and remembering is painful. Why would I, why would my brain do that?

Dr. Vaile: That, Elijah, is what I think we should focus on finding out. I think whatever it is that you’ve been keeping deep down is the cause of this Illness.

[Elijah crosses his arms on his lap and lays his head down. Crying can be heard from him as Dr. Vaile leans in.]

Dr. Vaile: [There’s a silence of 20 seconds before the Dr. Vaile speaks] Elijah? Are you with me?

Elijah: I can’t… it hurts so bad I want it to just stop. I don’t know what to do. I try to be strong, I try to think and think and it just keeps coming up blank. God, her smile… I don’t… Why does remembering her smile make me feel so alone? It doesn’t make sense. It’s digging into my stomach and I don’t know what to do. Before, everything was a haze and I forgot… I missed days and weeks at a time. Everything was the same, everything blended together and I didn’t feel… I didn’t feel a thing.

[Elijah pauses, still audibly crying. He sits back up, places his hands over his eyes and laughs.]

Elijah: But now it just hurts. It’s more painful. I forget how long I’ve been in this…place. I forget things about who I am. I feel like I’m breaking. I feel like I’m waving in this gust of wind and being split apart. Then I see her… her smiling and then my chest aches. I feel so… lost. When I try to remember why… When I try to remember anything after her smile I just… I don’t know how long I forgot about her. I’m missing… I’m missing so much and I’m having trouble expressing that emptiness.

[Dr. Vaile puts her hand on Elijah’s shoulder.]

Dr. Vaile: Elijah, I want you to listen to me, okay? What you just told me… that was the strongest reaction you’ve shown yet. It may hurt, but I think as long as we try to avoid that pain it’ll keep getting stronger. You’re strong, Elijah. I want to help you face that pain and overcome it, and I think you can.

Elijah: I…I want to… Laura was my best friend. But why did I forget her face for so long? And why does it hurt to remember it? It’s like I’m being woken up before the end of a dream.

Dr. Vaile: I want to find out with you. Let’s end this session here, and come back to this next week. I’m very proud of the progress you’ve made so far. You’ve opened up so much, and I can feel us getting closer to the source of this frustration for you.

Elijah: Yeah I’m… I’m really tired right now. I need some time to try to… to try to piece this together.

Dr. Vaile: Of course, that’s what I’m here for, to help you get through this. It will be tough, Elijah, but I know you can pull through this.

Elijah: Thanks, I’m uh… I’m going to go get some rest.

< End Log>

Note: I think this is an important turning point in Elijah’s treatment. The more I can get him to open up, the closer I believe we are to understanding what has caused his dissociative state. If we can pinpoint the memory that Elijah is suppressing we can unlock that lost time, and hopefully the other pieces will fall into place. Causing Elijah to come to terms and work through that is the next step. I don’t know if effects from SCP-3234 will become worse at that point, but it’s a definite possibility. –Dr. Vaile