There has been a ton of discussion lately about the problems in our modesty rhetoric. And I love every bit of it. I love how many and how varied are the voices shouting down this damaging toxicity in our culture, and I love how many men are joining in saying they want better for their daughters.

But today I’m going to turn over a rock of the bloggernacle and address our deepest darkest secret. And I’m hoping that those same men who want better for their daughters will do a little introspection and realize that they have some internalized toxicity to work through. Don’t get defensive, just bear with me, and I’ll get you through it.

Something that is never blogged about, never facebooked about, but often confided to trusted friends, or whispered about in hallways, is that in our progressive Mormon community we have a MASSIVE sexual harassment problem.

I personally have been told of stories, many many stories, with many victims and many perpetrators. People known to us in our community. Men propositioning women in the workplace, at academic conferences, over email, in backroom chats, through Facebook PM’s, at LGBT support conferences, offering unwanted attention, invitations, physical contact, and dick pics. A shocking number of dick pics.

I will not name any names. Mainly because I have never been the target of this behavior so it’s not my place to out victims, but also because I really do believe that this is an example of our oft repeated phrase – “Patriarchy hurts everyone.”

In every case of sexual harassment that has been reported to me my reaction has been, “OH NO! Not HIM! I loved HIM!” The men who do this (and sadly, I will stick to men because I have never heard of a tale of a female aggressor in our community, but if that is the case this goes for her too), are not horrible people. They are not necessarily future rapists and they are not wolves in sheeps clothing. They are men who have been brought up in a patriarchal culture and taught in word and in deed that the women around them exist at their pleasure.

We are in their meetings because they thought to include us. We are trained to support the priesthood, write letters to missionaries, and submit to their authority. And men are taught to have authority. To preside, to lead, to guide. Women are beautiful and soft and nurturing, we are the guardians of virtue. Men are the animals who have to control their lust. Modesty rhetoric as it currently exists only addresses the concerns of the men and trains them to be harassers. We cover our bodies to avoid tempting them, not for anything that has to do with us.

Of course, this is all bullshit. And many of us are doing our best to change that. But what isn’t being addressed as much is the fact that the way we were all taught still exists in our brains, deep in the subconscious, instinctual as only childhood teachings can be. And in times when our guard is down, we feel a little overly familiar with each other, we’re away from home, or we’re suddenly embarking on a whole wide world of encounters with the opposite sex outside of the codified Mormon interactions, those toxic scripts we were taught in our youth can rear their head and men can engage in behavior they would recognize in theory as being intensely problematic.

For people who have left behind the Mormon view of chastity, this can be especially troublesome. Suddenly having a new vista of opportunities for sexual encounters, but without time and experience in the secular world, it’s like they enter a second puberty. They have to learn to talk to girls all over again, and they often get it wrong. Like, seventh grade boy wrong.

Opening up to progressive ideals floods your brain and life with new information and new experiences, and just like when we were all in seventh grade and discovering a little freedom from parental supervision, the temptation can be to believe that anything goes. Wanting to let go of shame about sexuality is not the same thing as welcoming all forms of sexual talk or invitations. And it’s certainly not welcoming of touches.

Here’s a quick primer on behavior with the opposite sex if the rules of the faith you were raised in don’t work for you.

Don’t talk to a woman about her underwear unless it is in a strictly clinical way and she initiates the conversation.

Don’t comment on a woman’s body.

Don’t discuss sex in any way that is specific – what you like, what you think she might like – and even in generalities you should be EXTREMELY cautious.

If she is a colleague (i.e. a fellow blogger, a fellow academic, a fellow speaker, etc.) say nothing to her you wouldn’t say to a man in her position.

Don’t touch a woman without a signal she would welcome it, and then only in these specific ways:

If you are meeting her for the first time:

A handshake, possibly a hug hello if she seems OK with it

A touch on the elbow or forearm in conversation. If you know her better or have met several times and feel a close relationship:

A hug hello, possibly a kiss on the cheek hello if she seems OK with it

A touch on the elbow or forearm in conversation

An arm around the shoulder or side hug if the conversation warrants it (i.e. close personal things are being shared and the female speaker is expressing vulnerability the male friend wants to support.)

There will certainly be women who disagree with this list, and once those women make it clear to you that they welcome more familiar behavior, you should feel free to follow their cues. But you should never assume more familiarity than a woman makes explicitly welcome.

If you are a male in a polyamorous relationship, DO NOT ASSUME that a woman is flirting with you unless she knows you are in a polyamorous relationship. Women often behave differently towards single men than they do towards married men, trusting in a happily partnered man to not read all their friendly behavior as sexual advances. It gets exhausting for women to have their guard continually up, to constantly be evaluating how she’s going to be perceived and what the consequences of that might be. With our married friends we often feel like we can let our guard down a bit and just be fun. DON’T ABUSE THAT PRIVILEGE.

A recent article in Slate showed that this problem isn’t exactly unique to us. Good men, men who want to be allies, still struggle with objectification and sexual harassment. You are not alone, and you are not evil. Here’s what you need to do.

Step 1.) Recognize that this is not just a ‘man’ thing.

By this I mean both that men aren’t the only ones who do it, and that it is not part of your genetic makeup that is unable to be controlled. For example, while at the Rocky Mountain Retreat I went with some friends to a nearby hot springs, and the sight of so many hairy chested men nearly drove me to distraction. I am turned on by the sight of semi-naked men, and so I tell myself I have to act like a grown up respectful person and cool it. If I can do it, so can you. You just have to overcome the decades of pathologizing that you and our culture have done to you.

So that brings us to…

Step 2.) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

As an abuse survivor, I have done a lot of CBT. And I am downright evangelical about it. CBT is a type of therapy that examines thought processes and emotions and how that affects behavior. You pay a lot of attention to your thoughts, and you examine them logically instead of acting in the same patterns you have before.

Here’s how I use it when I’m struggling with OCD. I’ll realize there are an uneven number of grapes in a bowl. But I’m already full and I don’t want to eat anymore grapes. I’ll start to get anxious about the uneven number and that’s when my CBT training will kick in. I recognize the unhealthy emotions, so I’ll examine the thoughts leading up to them, and then I’ll rationalize my way through them. “What would happen if an uneven number remained?” Is a common question I’ll ask myself in that moment, and logically I will know the answer is ‘nothing.’ You reason your way through like this until the crisis is over, and if you do it enough you can change everything about how your brain works.

Your thoughts can actually change the shape and structure of your brain. Watch:

If you are a man who grew up Mormon, odds are that deep in your unconscious mind is a script. Probably more than one. That up until now has gone largely unexamined. It might be something like, “I have the priesthood. She has to submit to me.” Or “It’s her fault I’m turned on.” Or as a Post-Mormon, maybe it’s like, “Hey, we’re all sex positive now! I can say what I want!” You can find these scripts completely abhorrent or illogical (you think fear of uneven numbers makes any logical sense to me?), but it doesn’t change that they’re there. You breathed them in. They were the soil you grew in. They are patriarchy.

So now, every time you hear that script played in your head, you stop and you examine it. You see a woman you find sexy, you allow yourself the thought without judgment, and then you wonder what her childhood was like. What her hopes and dreams are. What the names of her children are. What she wanted to be when she grew up. If she’s a cat person or a dog person. If she has any food allergies. What her political beliefs are. Instead of seeing a sexy woman and taking a right down Sexual Fantasy Lane, you take a left down She’s A Person Boulevard. You don’t belittle or shame yourself, because that is what you’ve been taught to do your whole life and it only makes the problem bigger. You recognize that sexual attraction is something to master, and then you master it by humanizing the person you’re attracted to instead of objectifying them further.

And you keep doing that until the very shape of your brain is changed. You’ll talk to women, be friends with women, enjoy women, and never get the urge to send a picture of your penis to someone you’re not having sex with. And then your actions will actually match the lofty ideals we all share, you’ll be allies we can trust and use, and we can work together to change a few more toxic things about our culture.