THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.

In the new version of tennis, sylph-like maidens will have a playful knockabout for an hour or so and make soft moaning noises when striking the ball.

Between sets they will rub oil into each others thighs and at the end of the match will congratulate each other with a wet, lingering, tongue-filled kiss.

The umpire will be replaced by a 1970s comedy smut actor such as Robin Askwith, who will abandon the traditional scoring and instead say 'cor blimey' every time a player bends over to touch some balls.

A spokesman said: "Basing women's tennis on skill and points has allowed it to become overrun with lesbians. And by lesbians I mean the snorting, big-armed sort that like KD Lang, not the excellent ones you get in pornography."

He added: "Some of them are competent sportspersons, but shouldn't they really be in the TA or delivering furniture?"

Tennis fan Wayne Hayes, from Hitchin, said: "I bought a ticket last year and was horrified when this pair of man-hating heffers lumbered on and started belting the ball around like it was a testicle."

He added: "This new plan sounds very good. Maybe they could just go straight to the showers, which could be moved onto the pitch or whatever they call it. Then they could close the new roof so the CIA satellites can't see me touching myself."

Stocky, unattractive female players will still be allowed to participate in the tournament though their matches will be moved to a designated area of the carpark marked out with coats and nicknamed 'Monster Island'.