By Taylor Michaels

The time has come to start questioning whether the so-called “experts” in climate change really know what they’re talking about. Sure, we all want to believe that the world is getting warmer, and all evidence seems to point to that being true. But there’s just one problem: why am I being sued by a woman who slipped on my sidewalk?

Consider the facts. Despite it being unseasonably “warm”, somehow an 85 year-old woman suddenly “slips” on some “ice” that I had been “too lazy to salt”. One second it’s the hottest February on record and the next second I have to pay for 5 months of physical therapy. Doesn’t that seem a little… convenient?

I mean, wake up, sheeple! The evidence is right in front of your faces, all you have to do is connect the dots. Falsified temperature studies, China, the recent filing of criminal negligence charges against me. Clearly someone – or something – big is behind this. I’ve checked and a global conspiracy the only version of events that makes sense.

Once you ask “who benefits?” the house of cards comes crashing down, much like that old woman did– er, claimed she did. I won’t insult your intelligence by spelling it out to you. I trust your judgement.

But don’t get down about it. Look, I was wrong too. I fell for the glitz and glamour of An Inconvenient Truth just like the rest of us. Now, at this stage of my court proceedings, it’s become abundantly clear that Al Gore was lying. Lying to all of us.

I don’t care if they come after me. I’m going to keep asking questions. I’m going to keep letting ice build up on pedestrian walkways. The “People’s Republic of Canada” can’t silence me forever.