FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — The U.S. Army has found Bowe Bergdahl guilty of violating dress and grooming standards, as well as missing all of his required online classes.

“The Army holds soldiers to the highest standard of honor,” Army Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond Odierno told Duffel Blog. “When Sgt. Bergdahl forgot to shave, and skipped five years of [equal opportunity] seminars, his honor became shit.”

“Sure, he deserted his post and shirked his duty, but the real crime here is the hundreds of hours he missed in sexual harassment training,” Odierno said. “He didn’t even have enough integrity and personal courage to keep his uniform serviceable as a prisoner of war.”

Bergdahl’s former commander, Maj. Julio Ventura, agreed with the decision, especially considering Bergdahl cost the unit thousands of dollars by missing his scheduled SERE School start date after deployment.

“As usual, Big Army is slow to catch up. At the unit, we were trying to destroy Sgt. Bergdahl’s life almost seven years ago,” Ventura said, while looking at a scrapbook of Bergdahl news headlines and counseling statements. “If that shitbag had just sought access to a computer instead of playing Xbox all day with his Tali-buddies, he could have finished his mandatory internet compliance certification.”

When asked about allegations that the unit had provoked Bergdahl to leave, Ventura told reporters he “[doesn’t] give a damn about the health and welfare of any soldier that’s ‘red’ on MEDPROS.”

Army officials said that due to the nature of his crimes, Bergdahl had already been sentenced to death by PowerPoint.

“We take misbehavior before the enemy very seriously,” Odierno said. “It’s one thing for Bergdahl to join the enemy, but showing them that we never squared him away is another thing entirely. He’ll be executed as soon as he updates his SGLI and DD-93.”