Stumbled upon this while doing stand up comedy research for class. One of the funniest things I’ve watched in a while.

Boys are hard to raise. All my sisters have boys, and I just feel for em, cause it’s really hard, and they really do…Here’s the thing, though, girls are just as hard to raise, but on a whole other level, they’re just different. Here’s the difference to me, between boys and girls: Boys fuck. Things. Up. Girls are FUCKED up [points to brain].

[Waits for laughter]

That’s the difference! Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane. [Pause for laughter] Girls like leave scars in your psyche, that you find later [laughs]! Like a genocide or leprosy. [Pause for laughter]

Like my sister in law came over once with her little boy, and he’s like four years old, and she comes over and she’s just – been with him the whole day – so she’s in bad shape, she’s got a drink, and she’s like: I can’t-I can’t-I can…ahcan…I can’t do it, I can’t…And I put like an army blanket around her, try to calm her down. [Pause] And then her little boy walks up to her! He’s got a handful of sand, I don’t know where he got it, there’s no sand in my home [pause for laughter]. He’s got a handful of it! Walks up to his mom, and just throws it right in her drink. [hand gesture] [Waits for laughter]. It’s all she had. And he just ruined it. Really confident, too. Not like this [gestures], but yeah that shit goes right there. [dumps sand, pauses, repeats gesture]. And I was blown away by this, because I have girls, they would never dream of doing that, it wouldn’t even enter their heads that a person could do that! But they’re fucked up!

Like my five year old, the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister’s toy to make it fair! [Pause for laughter]. And I did. And that’s how much shit she gave me, I broke a little toy, and I felt awful, I was like crying, and I look at her, and she’s got this creepy smile on her face. [smiles].

[Waits for laughter]

That’s the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women, really. A man will like steal your car, or burn your house down. Or beat the shit out of you. But a woman will ruin your fucking life. [Laughs] d’you see the difference? [Pause] Like a man will cut your arm off, throw it in the river. But he’ll leave you as a human being, intact. He won’t fuck with who you are.

Women are non violent, but they’ll shit inside of your heart.