Emotional Support Dog Also Fucking Terrified of Flying

ATLANTA — Local emotional support dog and shivering, terrified Spitz-mix Bartholomew was forced yesterday to fly on a 5-hour commercial flight to Seattle despite also fighting anxiety when flying, the dog confirmed in a series of whimpers and half-barks.

“My owner was flying back home from a work trip… and guess who got to come along for that ride? Yep — ol’ ‘he can fit under the seat if he needs to’ Bart. I guess it’s nice that he gets to be comforted while I’m forced to sit on a plane that scares the ever-living shit out of me,” whimpered Bartholomew, who has unwittingly served as Derek Langley’s emotional support creature for three years. “The engines are painfully loud, turbulence is a concept I can’t even wrap my brain around, and there’s always some goddamn screaming baby near me. Please think twice before forcing us on planes. I know it’s a whole thing now, but we have feelings, too.”

Bart’s owner Langley argued that his use of an emotional support animal is entirely justified, claiming the benefits extend to Bartholomew.

“What would I do without itty bitty Bartholomew?” Langley gasped while shoving the dog’s face into his own. “I just love having him around to squeeze when I’m corralled into economy seating. Plus, I don’t have to pay to board him if I just bring him with me. Oh, and I’m really scared of flying, but he loves it: every time we go, he’s shaking with excitement and delight, especially when we get a window seat… which he not only loves, but insists on.”

Experts say selfish animal owners are often unaware of the trauma they induce on their furry friends.

“Many pet owners are completely indifferent to their animals’ extreme sensitivity to loud sounds, vehicular motion, and being trapped in an airless fault traveling at excessive speeds,” explained animal behaviorist Sherri Todd. “But unless your pet clearly salivates at the idea of getting in a car, maybe reconsider forcing a living being who can’t consent to suffering through the miserable experience that is modern air travel. Plus, that guy was flying Delta, which should constitute cruelty — no matter the species subjected.”

Police reports confirm that Langley is in jail today following an altercation when he demanded, against park policy, to hold Bartholomew while riding the Timberhawk roller coaster at Wild Waves Theme Park.