United, who are currently dead last in the Eastern Conference, have struggled this season as the front office continues to have thirteen jobs done by Ben Olsen including team driver, chef, seat ticket representative, and masseuse.

"These reporters think that this was a mistake, but in reality this was a decision by the front office to ensure that we don't look bad on national TV," stated one United insider. "You can't hate what you can't see! 9 points! Once they flip the team and sell to a consortium of businessmen from China they will tell them that they need to build a cover over the whole stadium and complete the design."

Fans say that they remain un-surprised by any of this as they continue to find ways to be let down by a front office that has managed to sever much of the good will remaining at the team over the past 10 years.

"I'm just going to keep re-watching that Lewis Neal goal from 6 years ago," stated D.C. United fan Osvaldo Gonzalez. "Ugh."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United deny that the sun exists.