Oh I know 50% of the time it’s a minor emergency , someone has broken their arm or had problems with breathing or an allergic reaction. They know this they know what’s coming. But when you get some poor wife ringing in complaining about her husband clutching his chest, belching a lot and generally sweating profusely he’s having a heart attack.

‘Ok so based off the information you’ve given me tonight Kathy I need to send an Ambulance around to help out David’

*oh god what’s wrong with him, is he going to die!?* (starts crying down the phone and losing it)

No Kathy…I just need to send someone around to make sure he’s ok. We’re not going to send him to hospital if it’s somethign minor we just need to make sure it’s not something more serious…. (it is… he’s about 10 seconds away from collapsing if he doesn’t sit down and get a GTN spray or something in him.)

Does he have a GTN spray there?

*yes…. he sometimes …gets angina.*

Ok I need you to give him some of that like usual to help with the pain. But do NOT get him to stand up ok?!

(still blubbing and losing the plot)

He’s going to be ok (lying through my teeth), but you just need to make him comfortable until they get there.

Now at this point sometimes people do two things. Either they get their shit together like a sensible human being… or they get STUPIDLY aggressive with you questioning everything. I’ve had one person scream at me ‘why the fuck would need to call back on 999 if it gets even worse?’ And other choice words. Sometimes they’re in pain sometimes they’re dying. If they’re dying I won’t hang up, noone will usually, even then 999 are there to give advice about CPR if we’ve missed the obvious or somethign changes drastically. To get to the point. It’s general waffle but them screaming down the phone at you won’t make them listen any differently. I could takl CPR and they wouldn’t be caring one bit unless I told them to shut up. So usually I ask to speak to someone else and tell THEM what to do whilst Mr mental-meltdown fetches the meds. Other times the stupid lies in everyone on the OTHER end ignoring my advice and just doing headless chicken mode.

You can help them all they want but being assertive won’t affect people who’ve lost the plot. The phones already not point of their focus.

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, call it a paramedic unit. At least then it forces them to THINK. Rather than INSTINCTIVELY panic. 40% of 999 calls are ACTUALLY hospital worthy as the latest figures go in south east. The paramedics can call a doctor direct or leave you to suffer if you refusing treatment. They’re not people who will waste time on you if you don’t want help. They won’t abandon you but if you say you’re fine and want a doctor. They will come back only if you ask them to. sometimes 3-4 times before admitting they can’t stay.

*OWW My foot is broken…. *

Yes you broke it last week and haven;t been to hospital.

*i’m not going to hospital I have to look after my kids!’

Your FOOT is the size of a beach-ball and you can’t walk on it. A doctor will say the SAME exact thing and need it x-raying and put in a cast. You need an ambulance to take you there ASAP

*I DON’T CARE I CANT AFFORD TO LEAVE MY KIDS!!!’

LADY! you can’t look after your kids if your leg has to be amputated. one night in a ward is less than a week in surgery 3 weeks from now. worry about that when you’re at the hospital! It’s not going to get better. It’s been broken for a WEEK now.

* I won’t be able to afford to get home afterwards I don’t have any money! Noone can look after my kids! I flat out won’t go!*

Right…..one doctor coming up…. (wasting everyone’s times INCLUDING hers. Because she has a SEVERE fracture in her foot which without proper treatment will definitely start to get infected or reset itself at a dangerous angle).

Some people never learn, or listen to reason. Impasse or no Impasse humans are scared of the truth sometimes. Do you think they have a social services to check in on kids who are left alone? I hope so. It would be a good Idea I would think if people are living by themselves. I have no idea if they do however. There’s lots of gaps in my knowledge over this… like anyone. The NHS is downright HUGE. I didn’t find out until working for them that you can even get home visits via the gp service if you’re disabled/elderly/with infant/pregnant. It’s still a case of survival of the fittest unfortunately for some.

That’s the unreasonable. The WORST is the truly upset and emotional.

Some poor infant is coughing up bright red blood.. A LOT of it, and I don’t know WHAT’s happened but she’s DEFINITELY coughing up a large amount of blood. The poor woman is absolutely besotted with grief. The baby is limp but still breathing. I have no idea how it happened other than she had some problems at birth in the hospital. No amount of sugar coating is going to help calm her down but I seem to SOMEHOW manage to get her focused on what she needs to do. The baby is still breathing but you better believe for any infant the ambulance is there before the call is even over. 3 minutes is my personal record. 3 minutes from the time the ambulance centre receives it to when the crew get it relayed via GSM interlink and then are at the door ringing the bell. I trust the system more now than ever when I can prove to myself it works that well…when it works. When it works. It’s sweeeet.

♫All is calm….all is bright…. breathe…..1….2….3….4….5…..♫

Ok time for a coffee me thinks and we’re off admin again. Can I cook or can I cook?

Oh some random person is complaining about dental services at 11pm at night not running over the weekend… why yes.. she appears to have had a dropped line…..(fucking bastards, why do I get them? It’s dental… DENTAL… wisdom tooth pain or not, that’s not going to be life threatening…EVER)