WASHINGTON—Claiming that the United States Deputy Attorney General had failed to uphold his oath of office, 11 Congressional conservatives reportedly introduced a resolution Thursday to impale Rod Rosenstein. “Mr. Rosenstein’s tenure has been marked by rampant partisanship, leaving us with no choice but to move forward with articles of impalement,” said Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan, telling reporters that, if approved, the motion would require Rosenstein to immediately have his body driven through by a 20-foot pike on the steps of the Capitol Building as a warning to all who would defy the president. “Time and again, Mr. Rosenstein has crossed the line in his investigation into Russian meddling, and we intend to make a statement against these outrages by lancing him from anus to mouth, leaving him alive to scream in agony as he slowly exsanguinates.”At press time, the resolution had stalled after House Republicans were unable to reach a consensus about whether Rosenstein’s eyes should be immediately gouged out or remain in place to be eaten by crows.

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