MECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man Walt Madison told partygoers Sunday that he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate for any human company whatsoever. “I’m not super into sports, so it’s really more about the food and commercials for me,” said Madison, who has been crippled by a sense of endless loneliness ever since his ex-girlfriend moved out of their apartment last year. “Personally, I’m more excited about the halftime show than anything that happens on the field [and actually spending more than five minutes with a living breathing human being]. This is really just an excuse for me to make my famous buffalo artichoke dip and have a few laughs.” At press time, party sources confirmed they were all wishing that asshole Madison would just leave after he referred to the game-winning touchdown as “a goal ball.”

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