KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As members of the international press looked on, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton rode on horseback through the streets of Kabul Monday, dragging the mutilated remains of Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Jalil through the dirt behind her. "Graaaaaggghh!" Clinton shouted as a frenzied crowd of supporters shot AK-47s into the air. Earlier in the day, Clinton had led a band of mercenaries through rugged mountain terrain to hunt down Jalil, whom the former senator eviscerated with a single stroke of her gleaming scimitar. U.S. soldiers marched alongside the triumphant, blood-soaked Clinton to the center of Kabul, where she ordered the Taliban leader's gutted body be hung from the town's tallest spire, where "all may behold it." White House sources confirmed that upon returning to Washington, Secretary Clinton burst into the Oval Office, threw Jalil's head down on the president's desk, and let out a deafening war cry.

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