I never went to a protest as a child. There are a few reasons for this. One: My parents are ideologically opposed (though still happily married). Two: The 1980s were not exactly an era when white people were enlightened as to matters of social injustice. Three: All I cared about when I was an adolescent was devising ways to become popular and/or get laid.

But now, with Donald Trump poised to fire Deputy Attorney General and “serial killer described by neighbors as someone who was quiet and largely kept to himself” Rod Rosenstein, my dick can no longer be a priority. That’s right, America. I am ready to TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE STREETS. And I assume you are, as well. You are, right? Because I don’t wanna take to the streets and then find myself all alone out there, looking like a dweeb. I need backup here.

In all seriousness, I have actually gone Full Hippie and attended three protests this year alone. For each of these protests, I brought my children along. Please note that I did not force them to do this. They came about their hatred of the president organically, without my assistance. They’re very good crisis actors—I MEAN CHILDREN YES CHILDREN THAT IS VERY MUCH WHAT I MEANT.

Are you now at the peak of your outrage? Are you ready to grab your pitchfork and join the angry mob? Is your desire to protest on the verge of being superseded by the fact that you can’t find a babysitter? Fear not. As a newly established veteran of the family protest, I can offer you a few pointers on how to make your displeasure with our government heard loud and clear, while also making sure the kids have a fun time.

1. SIGNS! One thing I found was that my kids LOVED making protest signs. For our first protest, my daughter cut out a bunch of pictures of Trump and put them into the bed of a cutout dump truck. Then my older son made a sign that said DUMP TRUMP outright, and then the girl accused him of copying her. Then they started fighting, which really helped foster the atmosphere of strident vocal opposition I was shooting for. My youngest son made a sign that said PRESIDENT DIAPER. I suggested taping one of his actual (clean) diapers to it for emphasis, and he was extremely supportive of the idea. That sign turned out to be a real winner.

Please note that you should buy extra supplies for your signs: extra posterboard, glue, markers, etc. This is not just because your kids will fuck up their lettering on the first pass, but because you will too. I have no proper sense of kerning. My first attempt at a protest sign, I was writing “I Got Zero Tickets To The Gun Show,” only I ran out of room at the edge, so it just said GUN SHO. I should stop making signs while drunk.

2. Bring snacks and water. You’re not gonna believe this, but kids rarely have the energy to attend a full protest. This is why my wife and I supplemented our trip downtown for the March For Our Lives with a trash bag filled with chips, crackers, Zbars, fruit snacks, and half the pantry. SO, SO HEAVY. The golden rule of parenting is that you can buy five extra minutes of time for every processed snack you stuff into your child’s face. Please note that you could bring a variety pack of Doritos and nine different bags of Starburst and your child will STILL want to buy something purchased from a snack cart instead. Ungrateful louts.