My life in sex: ‘My wife wants a desire-free old age. But I still see her as my sexual partner’

My wife and I married when we were in our early 20s. We enjoyed our sex life, though I never felt she enjoyed it as much as I did.

Her menopause began when she was 50. Hot flushes were the main symptoms, accompanied by restless nights, irritability and a declining interest in sex. She decided not to take HRT, mainly because she was anxious about the increased risk of breast cancer. I suspect she was also quite happy to let nature take its course and enjoy a desire-free old age.

By the time we were 60, her interest in sex had declined to almost nothing. What I found difficult was her response to my continued enthusiasm. She quite liked a friendly cuddle, but any tendency for my touch to become a caress, or my hands to approach her erogenous zones, would be met with irritation and an abrupt dismissal. She referred to my touch as “tickling”, or worse, as “groping” or “mauling”. If she caught me looking at her when she was dressing or undressing, she would become angry and accuse me of looking at her as a “sex object”.

She has always been a feminist, and I have always supported her views concerning equality of education, opportunities, work and pay for men and women. However, she is also my sexual partner, and therefore the woman I desire, not a sex object.

My life in sex: 'I've only had sex with my husband' Read more

I have had three short-lived affairs during the last 10 years, which all ended because the women involved refused to “share” me. But how can I possibly abandon my best friend, the mother of my children, co-owner of our family home, sharer of mutual friends? I still love her. I just want a reasonable sex life. Is that an impossible daydream?

• Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com

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