HE’S BIG!HE’S RED!HIS FEET STICK OUT THE BED!PETER CROUCH!PETER CROUCH!



In the annals of English football chants, the Peter Crouch song remains iconic in its simplicity and literalism: he is a man built like a giraffe. He played for Liverpool. And he has undoubtedly had to sleep on some beds that couldn’t fit his limbs, which stretch from his torso like God pulling taffy.



Peter Crouch is tall and gangly, almost unbelievably so. He’s not the tallest player to play in the Premier League, but nearly everyone who enters into his atmosphere is either a goalkeeper or a center back—and none have Crouch’s signature spindly physique. Crouch, a 6-foot-7 forward whose legs look like wind chimes, was always going to be a curiosity. He doesn’t look like he’d be coordinated enough to ride a bicycle, let alone sort out his feet kicking a ball for a living. And yet…



Peter Crouch was always more than an oddity. He...