Water, water, everywhere water. Know it, embrace it, manage it, or drown. Same goes for cars, trucks, chainsaws, knives, crowbars, blowtorches, and guns. Based on the inept, clumsy, irresponsible failure of brain-dead, uncoordinated numbnuts, I will not be denied the pragmatic, functional utility of anything.

I will not drown, nor will I drink and drive, chainsaw-massacre anyone, stumble, slice, burn, or shoot myself, nor will I ever hold up a bank. So the best advice would be to think, improvise, adapt, and overcome, man up, but by all means, leave me the hell alone. You don't ban electric guitars just because someone may have a lapse in logic, goodwill, and decency and spontaneously break out into country and western music. The vast majority of sensible people will use electric guitars as God intended and whip out good, sexy rock-n-roll licks.

I need my water, cars, trucks, chainsaws, knives, crowbars, blowtorches, and guns. I have mastered them all; they are all wonderful ingredients for my American Dream of rugged individualism, declared independence, and self-sufficiency. They all serve me well, and I am not giving any of them up. Ever.

The masses must never be controlled for the sake of the lunatic fringe. Remember "Don't Tread on Me"? Don't.

America has spoken. With guns and ammo sales and concealed weapons permits surging at unprecedented rates, never in the history of mankind have more people possessed more firepower and most significantly, carried more concealed weapons on their persons than today across America. And as FBI crime reports and law enforcement and academic studies conclude, the self-evident truth is that more guns clearly equals less crime. Where there are more guns per capita, violent crime goes down, particularly crimes of assault, like rape, burglary, and robbery. This is good.

It is indeed Ted Kennedy's gun ban dream of GunFreeZones that have proven to be the guaranteed slaughter zones where the most innocent lives are lost. Think Columbine, VA Tech, Lane Bryant, NW IL University, Luby's Cafeteria, NJ, Salt Lake City, and Omaha malls, Calgary University, Toronto, Chicago, Boston, Flight 93, the mayor's office in San Francisco, ad nauseam. Peace and love will get you killed, and unarmed helplessness is bad. Unless of course your anthem goes baaa..... baaa...... baaa.

So why in God's good name would any human being wish to force unarmed helplessness on another? That level of cruel indecency and forced victimization is incomprehensible to me and about 100,000,000 Americans who own guns. Self-defense is the most powerful, driving instinct of good people everywhere. To deny this is evil personified. Write this down—GunFreeZones are a felon's playgrounds. Ban GunFreeZones now.

Good people don't want the rapist to succeed. We want him dead. We don't want our homes invaded. We want invaders dead. We don't like carjackers. We like them dead. We don't like armed robbers. We like them dead.

We have examined all the evidence we need to know that calling 911 is a joke, unless of course they bring a dustpan and a mop to clean up the dead monster we just shot while protecting our family.

The choice is clear: Gun control as forced by the Chuck Schumers of the world is complicit in every violent crime committed. Conversely, gun control a la Ted Nugent is putting the second shot through the same hole as the first shot, where innocent lives are saved and recidivistic maggots come to a screeching halt, felled by the lovely ballet of good over evil we call the Double Tap Center Mass Boogie. Learn it, know it, love it, shoot it. Good guys should live, bad guys not so much.

It is reassuring, and ultimately convenient, that fresh from escaping the scourges of tyranny, slavery, kings, and emperors, our brilliant, sensible Founding Fathers knew it was important to write down the self-evident truth that the right to self-defense is surely a God-given individual right to keep and bear arms. Write this down, too—"keep" means it is mine, you can't have it. "Bear" means I've got them right here on me. "Shall not be infringed" echoes that beautiful "Don't Tread On Me" chorus.

I like the U.S. Constitution and our sacred Bill of Rights but, quite frankly, I don't really need them in order to know in my heart and soul the list of self-evident truths therein. Those came from thinking, common-sense men who refused to be helpless, dependent slaves to anyone or anything. These truths are all burned forever on my soul. I live them, no matter what.