The princess that was promised is here.

Many years ago, a great Prophet had prophesied that a time will come when the dirty brown people of India would be depressed with leaders with ugly faces. After decades of longing for prettiness and gazillions of tubes of Fair and Lovely having been wasted by crores of Indians in the hopes of brightening their newspaper pages and TV screens, one day, a leader will come who will make all the gloom in their unworthy, brown lives disappear with just a smile. The leader will be the offspring of equally dazzling parents, a king and a queen, who would both rule over the land, and will have so much resemblance with the Goddess of Emergency that the resemblance itself can ensure 200 Lok Sabha seats.

The above prophecy may sound like a scary fable to Sanghi bigots who worship the devil, but this is the gospel truth for true believers of the faith of secular Nehruvianism. This is the future they had kept hoping for. The prophecy had kept them alive through the falling TRPs, the lost elections, the daily dose of public humiliation done by the devil’s Bhakts who bust their claims and fake news sermons with screenshots and reference links.

“How dare the devil’s Bhakts bust the claims of the perfumed, elite believers whose English flows over their privileged mouths like hot chocolate over vanilla scoops, how dare the devil worshipers to question the sermons uttered by those who are better, smarter, savvier than them?”, some of the believers of the true faith often wondered, “should not they take whatever we say as the gospel truth?”

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“One day, my fellow believer, one day,” another would reassure. Together they had endured, all in hopes that one day, the princess that was promised will come to claim her throne and their fortunes will change. The TRPs will jump, the humiliation of riding autorickshaws with ugly wannabes will change to executive travels in charted planes. The days of speculating electoral outcomes and counting the semen content in Holi balloons will change into wine and cheese sessions and picking ministers for the union cabinet. They kept living, kept believing.

Well, finally their prayers were answered. The Princess of Congress decided that she can no longer stay away from her destiny. She had had enough. Mrs Priyanka Vadra decided that the time has come when she will have to claim her other surname. The time has come to move the handloom sarees to the main cupboard from the once-in-five-years box. As expected, the believers rejoiced, their god had decided to descend onto the earth. Their saviour had had enough of being called the poor farmer’s wife and came to snatch the throne from saffron clad devils.

What followed was no less than the scenes of Devtas raining flowers from heaven in old Ramanand Sagar epics. Behold:

With Priyanka’s formal entry into politics, which like Rahul Gandhi’s coming of age, has been happening several times in the last decades, the lost art of true journalism is being revived in our country. The entire Lutyens cabal that was reduced to scrapping the bottom of the barrel by fascist Modi has been feeling like one happy family. Even strangers smiling at each other, senior journos are hugging juniors and all that, a new era has dawned.

From now onwards, the media believers of secularism, the Nehruvian holders of the idea of India who have known the meaning of ‘palimpsest’ before they started on sippy cups will no longer have to spend their days in despair trying to invent cases of mob lynchings, outrage on fading colours of currency notes and repeat “where are the jobs” 5 times a day like a prayer. They have a princess to fuss about, write poetry for and sing praises on.

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The India that was choking under constant fascism from saffron-clad men who knew nothing about class and style, who spoke and looked like every other person in the streets of Delhi has now got a style icon. The crisp handloom saree can make tons of saffron kurta disappear with a swish of its pallu. The suave hairstyle carefully maintained over the years to drive home the Dadi-resemblance deep into the psyche of every Indian voter can negate the bald heads and boring buns of the devil supporters. One flashing smile and the fingers will automatically move past the lotus towards the familiar ‘hand’. Indian mainstream media will find its glory days back.

Rahul Gandhi has so far been the Taimur Khan of Indian politics. Like the media in our country feels itself obliged to inform us about every little detail of Taimur baba’s days, from his new shoes to nannies, toys and reactions given to random objects, Rahul baba’s ventures into temples, his opinions ranging from MRIs to potato factories to fighter jets are force-fed down the throats of Indians with so much frequency that, if Rahul manages to invent a way to stuff calories into words like ‘mobile factories’, ‘Rafale’, ‘Ambani’, ‘Kisan’, we would all be obese with unbearable weights.

So with the arrival of Mrs Priyanka Gandhi Vadra, the mainstream media of our nation will now be challenged with the task of trailblazing journalism. The race for most honest, non-pliant, brave media house is already on and many outlets are soaring ahead with their outstanding pieces on Priyanka Vadra’s hobbies, likes and dislikes. How many of you were aware that ‘Tiger enthusiast’ is an actual thing? See, that is what not having a secular, liberal, Nehruvian national leader does to your brains.

Like we all know by now that how differently Taimur reacts to a cat, dog and a toy, we are now going to know how exactly Mrs Vadra reacts to the names of each saffron politician.

Reporter: Ma’am Smriti Irani has hit back at you again…

Priyanka Gandhi: Who? pic.twitter.com/vRCn5ubjp2 — ANI (@ANI) May 4, 2014

Priyanka’s brother Rahul has made us realise the difference between ‘pliant’ and ‘non-pliant’ media. Pliant media is one that grills a politician about issues ranging from the nation’s economy to defence procurement, from agrarian crisis to industrial output. But true, secular, liberal media gulps down factual errors and blatant lies without questioning, asks about food habits, cooking skills and family life.

Also read: ‘Will Rahul Gandhi make a good Prime Minister?’: Here is how ‘non-pliant’ media can get the crowd to shout ‘yes’

When the images of an ever-smiling Priyanka getting out of a car, walking towards sunlight, waving to the public, smiling at the camera, expressing ignorance over names of union ministers will completely saturate the Indian mainstream media scene, then maybe we will be treated with a live interview where we will get to know whether she likes her pasta with white sauce or tomato, whether the agrarian crisis brought on by the communal forces bothers her farmer husband, does she consider herself a grassroots politician, considering that her husband owns so much of farmlands, did she ever have her Dadi cook something for her? Questions that will awaken sleeping voters into dumping temporary leaders and choose leaders they were born to serve.

As of now, the princess has decided that she will have her own office. For hours now, news channels have been showing images of a nameplate being hung near a door. There are even special reports featuring journalists ‘reporting’ on the fact that Priyanka Gandhi Vadra has got a new office. Surely, any office that Priyanka decides to use cannot be an ordinary office. So we are being told that it is the same office that her brother earlier used to make his staff sit in. Glorious historical facts.

As if the enormity of the information that she got an office in the Congress headquarters was not asserted enough, we got exclusive reports, TV debates and lengthy analysis of the pros, cons, and the sheer universal significance of the office. In between, we are treated with other earth-shattering pieces of information like how she refused a grand welcome ceremony at the airport and how the location of the room at 24, Akbar road exudes hints and signs of her future role. And just when the people were about to recover from the overwhelming significance of the new office room the princess got in the headquarters of her family business, comes another future possibility, does the office room mean Priyanka will be the warrior to challenge the current CM of UP in 2022?

As the elections come nearer, we will perhaps be treated with more such important pieces of information. Just like we are apprised when Rahul Gandhi flies economy class, eats ice cream and has breakfast in a restaurant, we just cannot wait to find out how the flowers in a garden shine brighter in the reflected light from Priyanka’s face, how the per capita work enthusiasm has increased among Congress workers after she has taken charge, does she like organically produced vegetables from Rajasthan lands or Haryana lands and does she think Taimur should have his own dedicated TV channel. We are just dying to find out.

God save the princess.