There is this general notion kicking around that there is something ur-masculine about being a Pagan – that being a Pagan means being like the fierce Viking raiders drinking blood. Where this notion comes from is probably 19th century nationalism, the English and Scandinavians discovering and romanticizing their roots. Today you can see this attitude primary in folk metal from Enslaved to Turisas, and I think primarily it spread from folk metal to everywhere else, such as to writer Jack Donovan, to the Wolves of Vinland, and into the general consciousness, eventually culminating in History Channel’s super-masculine Vikings series.

Let me be clear – I like it, even when I am not sure about its historical accuracy. But I like the idea. I yearn for something like this. If Christianity is reverence for Supernature, I yearn for a reverence for Nature. I want to be religious without the supernatural. Not the kind of Nature tree-huggers imagine, but the kind there really is, a Nature red in tooth and claw, a reverence for Gnon, the Rules of Nature, my ancestors, my comrades and my own strength and the responsibilities I have. I could totally imagine myself chanting something like “Ghosts of our fathers, give us strength! Ghosts of our fathers, gives us courage! Help us be your worthy heirs!” And it indeed looks really likely that I should be finding that somewhere near Neo-Pagans.

There is just one issue, but that is a big one. I search and search and search and have to conclude basically this almost doesn’t exist. It should, but it doesn’t. It seems this kind of super-masculine Paganism is almost exclusively an aesthetical category: it is something in metal songs, it is something on the cover art of metal records, it is in some videogames, it is in the TV, it is in fantasy, but does not actually exist as a ritual and practice.

What do I mean? Go ahead and try to Google up what kind of ritual would an Indo-European Pagan warrior do before battle? After it? How would he mourn his dead comrades? How would he revere his ancestors, especially patrilineal ones? Mourning rituals and ancestor reverence are actually a way to deal with grief, and I am still grieving for my father who passed away 1.5 years ago. So it would be of a practical use to me, not just a curiosity – finding a Pagan i.e. Nature-based way to let my old man go from my thoughts and attachment. We never got around to him officially handing over the responsibility of being the elder male, the patriarch of the family, who protects everybody else. Is there a ritual way to do it after he is gone, so that I can kind of promise to his memory or ghost that I will be worthy to his example and I will grow up that task? But I would want a a 100% masculine, warriorlike Pagan way – for example, I could sacrifice a black rooster on his grave [1] or I could cut my hand and let the blood drip on his grave or something. But I can find nothing. Absolutely nothing. Few sources describe such rituals of the past, and it seems almost nobody practices them today.

No matter how hard I search on the Internet, the Paganism I find hovers between crazy-tits feminism and a kinda beta nice-guy civvie attitude. The first is Dianic Wicca, the second is the “normal” Wicca which aims to keep God and Goddess in balance. In practice, every time people try that sort of equality the feminine side always becomes stronger, because the essence of masculinity is dominance itself: don’t let a man be dominant and he will have his whole self suppressed. That is why true equality does not exist: if half of the people cannot be themselves it is not equality, and they can only be themselves if they have a bit of a dominant spirit, which does not lead to equality either. Anyway. Even if they manage it, I am not interested in some gender-balanced thing, I am interested in a 100% masculine ritual, and a warrior type at that, not a “civilian” type.

And I can find absolutely nothing. Wiccans are usually fat chicks trying to cast spells. Search Neopagan and you will find is mostly “charms and spells”. Meditation and visualization apparently ripped from Buddhist / Hindu sources. Where is my ecstatic war trance dance please, howling like a wolf? Most books I could find were as feminine as Cosmo.

The only masculine Wiccan I even heard about is Eric S. Raymond and he seems to compartmentalize the Pagan and masculine (guns, martial arts) aspects of his life. He doesn’t dance with spears under a full moon, covered in ash and blood. As far as I know. So, no, Wicca is not what I am looking for.

Ásatrú promised to be better, but they are reenactors. Besides, look at them. Do you notice the conspicious lack of Technovikings dancing in violent ecstasy, shaking spears, their bare chests smeared with blood and ashes? Me neither. Don’t they just look like a bunch of aging liberals who want to give the middle finger to local Christians? So apparently even the Ásatrú are not the Pagans I am looking for.

When I asked Jack Donovan about the rituals of the Wolves of Vinland on Twitter, he said they used Ásatrú as a starting point but then they went on finding their own ways. This sounds like that he / they could not find these masculine warrior type pagan rituals or spiritual paths I am looking for either, and had to invent them. (Maybe I should ask a permission to visit them, but I live across the ocean, so no luck there.)

What. The. Hell. What is going on here? How comes the “folk metal type pagan masculinity”, depicted in songs, artwork, and by many great fantasy novels, does not actually exist as a real spiritual path to practice?

There are a million self-help books out there, many with a spiritual theme, and even many with the words “warrior” and “path” in the title. I bought a few. They were disgusting. They simply used the word “warrior” as someone who faces his inner insecurities about being a fatass or something. Sometimes written by men, but they all sounded like something written for housewives with huge self-esteem issues. Well, they are the typical customers for self-help books. They did not use this word in the proper sense: someone willing to face violence – and even enjoy the thrill. Where is my actual The Warriors Path to Spirituality self-help book? Clue: if it does not involve causing some physical pain to yourself, or on each other, it does not count. What manhood initiation ritual worth its salt does not involve a little blood and pain?

It would be easy to say it does not exist because it is all just made up bullshit. But that would be a misunderstanding of how culture and spirituality tends to work. Apparently, there are men like me who yearn for something like this. And this is the only ingredient necessary – spirituality is the soul working with itself, so to speak. To be blunt, it can be made-up, as long as it works. And I am fairly sure that such feelings had to be common enough throughout history so that they would “make it up”.

I mean, the folk metal pagan warrior exists as an aesthetics. It clearly does and it is obvious – I have seen it in countless fantasy illustrations, all instantly recognizable. Is it really a big jump from aesthetics to spirituality and ritual? Is it really possible that you can point to a metal album cover artwork, it has such a rapport the the soul of most men that they instantly understand what it is about, and yet it does not exist as a spiritual path?

How comes as a spiritual path it does not actually exist when it so clearly exists aesthetically that I think I can actually predict and describe some of its features? Features of a nonexisting thing? Here:

It is something practiced outdoors, preferably in the woods, at night, at full moon, around a campfire, and all male, a small group. First achieve an altered state of consciousness, similar to meditation, but not actually so. Rather use physical exertion, such as a form of war dancing, perhaps with spears, the kind of dance that imitates fighting, it is physical tiredness that leads to the meditative state. Do this to hypnotic drumming. It is a similar mind-altering thing as a rave, just more warriorlike. Psychedelics perhaps, but not really necessary. In this altered state, call out to your ancestors, patriarchs, heroes, ask them for guidance, strength, courage. Animal sacrifice. Do something with the blood, like smear on yourself. Have ritual combat, like some form of wrestling, in their honor. Perhaps only at initiation rituals, but involve physical pain and the courage demonstrated to face it. Have a bonding ritual, like cutting your hand, letting the blood flow in a common cup, then drinking from it.

Tell me, if it does not exist, why can I describe it in such detail? Is it just a fantasy? Perhaps. But if it is at least a widespread fantasy, it should exist as a practice.

I have to admit I have not read many Sagas yet, but for example I’ve read the Iliad, I remember Achilles, and how comes there is apparently no trace of that kind of Indo-European Pagan spirituality left that someone like Achilles could ostensibly practice?

I mean, of course, according to Homer, Achilles did not practice much in the way of rituals and spirituality. Perhaps that is my answer? That it does not exist because the truly masculine men were never actually much spiritual minded?

I’d love if someone could sort out my head regarding this.

[1] PETA liberals, don’t even start shrieking. Cleanly cutting the neck of a bird is a far more humane way to kill it than what factory farms do. You should not be upset if the bird is killed painlessly just because it is used for ritual purposes before it is eaten. That is called culture, a culture different from yours, and there is nothing cruel about it, so respect it already.