OTTAWA – New privacy legislation going into effect this week will require companies to take steps to protect user data by storing it in the endless expanse of a woman’s heart.

Recent breaches from Facebook, Google, and BMO have increased customer concern that their data isn’t safe. “We’re continuing to see breaches near, far, basically wherever the data are,” said security expert Al Matthews. “We need an impregnable fortress to store sensitive info, and I can think of no better place than the redoubt inside of her.”

Privacy experts, and those who know her, have long been in awe of the tight security and unlimited storage capabilities that she carries with her almost effortlessly. But it wasn’t until conventional security measures were shown to be so inadequate that the decision was made to use this natural resource to hold banking and personal data.

“Hackers will be completely ineffective against this level of security,” continued Matthews. “Digital trickery is no match for a solemn promise and a lifetime of wariness towards an often hostile world that she knows intimately. She knows why Clarissa and I really broke up, and I told her some pretty uncomfortable truths from my years at summer camp. What’s a few million more bank accounts and billing addresses on top of that?”

When asked about the possibility of taking on Canada’s entire repository of private data she looked up with deep empathy and her trademark kindness, “sorry I just have a ton of my own stuff going on right now if that’s okay. But we seriously need to get together next week and talk about this.”

The nation is wondering if Tuesday at 7pm would work.