The cliche is true: Pop culture reached its peak when you, and only you, were nine years old. Faced with a summer's worth of Marvel movies, plotted with the corporate rigor usually applied to the rollout of genetically modified wheat, I realized that, in a way, I couldn't see them even if I wanted to. The worst sin a critic can commit is hating things that aren't designed to give him or her pleasure. The people who need to judge a movie like Avengers: Age of Ultron are the people who they are actually built for: nine-year old boys.

So I went and found one. I can't show you his picture or tell you his name, because the Internet is full of creeps, but he's a good kid who loves movies and was more than happy to split the fee even though he did all the work. Here's what he thought. - Stephen Marche

If you like movies about robots who make jokes, or movies about girls singing lullabyes to the Hulk, or movies about cities that float into the air for no reason, Age of Ultron will be right up your alley. It was not up my alley.

The first Avengers was really good. I don't know what happened with this one. It felt like it was really short but I was happy to get out of the theater. The very first scene is the best scene. A bunch of people in the forest killing each other. Do you know what surprised me the most? Every line had a swear word in it. The first word that they said in the whole movie was the S-H word.

There were a lot of people I didn't really know. There was Scarlet Witch. I didn't really know what she was doing. Then there was Quicksilver who just ran around with his Dutch accent [ed. note: Not a Dutch accent]. Then there was this new guy who I didn't really understand with a red face who gets born about two hours into it.

They go to South Africa at one point. I don't know why they do. They just do. And the Hulk goes on a rampage and tries to kill Iron Man, and then Iron Man gets all huge, and they fall into a building and their body weight makes it all fall down. That was the best scene. Except the part where all the superheroes try to pick up Thor's hammer but it's too heavy.

They had a lot of the same jokes repeating each other.

My point of view is that Thor ruins the Avengers. It doesn't make sense. If you had Thor, why would you bring Black Widow? Why would you bring Green Arrow [ed. note: he means Hawkeye]? What's this woman with a gun going to do? Why's this guy shooting arrows? They have a god with them who cannot die. A guy who is good at shooting arrows or a girl who is good at shooting guns wouldn't make a particle of difference.

Age of Ultron was not my favorite. I would not recommend it. The last time I checked on Rotten Tomatoes it had a score of 72. I would give it a 46. Maybe lower. Maybe a 39.

And by the way one of the characters, Quicksilver, he shouldn't be in the Avengers. He's actually a part of the X-Men.

Stephen Marche Stephen Marche is a novelist who writes a monthly column for Esquire magazine about culture.

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