THE SECOND CIRCLE, HELL—Affirming the need to reverse the trend after several millennia of discouraging numbers, officials from the Underworld Health Organization unveiled a new initiative Thursday to improve Hades’ incubus immortality rate. “It is simply unacceptable in this day and age that so many of our demon spawn never get the chance to metamorphose into evil spirits who spend all of eternity raping human women as they sleep,” said UHO spokesman Belphegor, adding that in certain lower circles of damnation, as many as 80 out of every 10,000 hatchlings do not go on to stalk the Earth for the rest of time. “If our initiative is successful, we can finally put an end to the tragic and all-too-common occurrence of a bright young incubus dying before he reaches his 1,000th birthday.” After laying out the plan, Belphegor reportedly avoided a question on its projected budget by bursting into 500 snakes and slithering away.

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