ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Dauren Abayev, the Kazak minister of communications, spat out his tea and vodka this morning after discovering his nation’s internet service is on-par with that of Australia’s.

Immediately summoning his subordinates, Mr Abayev cursed and spat at them for letting the infrastructure deteriorate to the point where they’re in danger of being mocked by every other developed nation.

“This is not acceptable!” he shouted.

“Rupert Murdoch doesn’t own any media interest here! Who are we getting kickbacks from to protect them from high-speed internet?! I demand to know right now!”

“The internet in Australia is like America’s health care system. It is broken and in need of investigation! Kazakhstan has the best internet in Central Asia. This will not stand.”

More locally, The Advocate reached out to the Communications Minister, Mitch Fifield MP, for comment and received a statement in response.

In the statement, Fifield’s junior media advisor told our reporters that there’s nothing wrong with Australia’s internet and that it’s hard to compare Australia to other nations due to our small population and large landmass.

“You can watch two Netflix shows at the same time,” said the statement.

“What more do you want? There’s no real noticeable difference between 20mbps and 100mbps. Unless you are downloading a torrent. If we catch you downloading an illegal torrent, new legislation has been introduced to give police the power to cut your fingers off with a pair of secateurs on the spot,”

“Also, our internet is better than Italy’s right now so put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

More to come.