BUFFALO, NY—Expressing dismay that the supposedly well-informed electorate was more concerned with tracking down his bloodstained Ford Escape than impeaching a corrupt commander in chief, motorist Mark Dolan said Wednesday that he fails to see why he should be relentlessly attacked for running over a single pit bull when President Donald Trump is the real enemy here. “The leader of a major global military and economic power is hellbent on goading Iran into starting World War III. Are we really arguing about whether I hit some animal with my car right now?” said Dolan, noting that the bystanders taking pictures of his license plate are marching in perfect time with President Trump’s drumbeat call to a surveillance state. “Let’s get this straight: A fascist reality TV star has control of the nuclear launch codes, but all you care about is blocking my car so I don’t speed away? Jesus. We agree on 97% of the issues, so let’s stop the infighting about whose tire tracks are on whose dead dog and get this orange bozo out of office!” Dolan later insisted that the arresting officers should really be handcuffing Donald Trump for collusion and lying under oath.

Advertisement