Longtime followers of this column know that I have a long and complicated history with books. Almost two years ago, I posted about a number of book proposals I had written that never made it to print. I've also never missed an opportunity to mention my dating advice book (The Gentleman's Guide to Snaggin' Skanky Blonde Hoodrats), or my Twilight-esque book about Dragons (also currently unpublished), and my other book , which Penguin Publishing House once described as "We regret to inform you that we are not accepting unsolicited submissions at this time." While my publishing history is less than spectacular, I am still determined to get several books published, so that I may enrich the world with my knowledge, and impress chicks who sell books enough to inspire them to have sex with me (Chapter 11 from The Gentleman's Guide!).

My Self-Help Book

The Self-Help genre is one of the most popular and lucrative on the market. Walk into any bookstore, and you'll be bombarded with hundreds and hundreds of books that teach you how to stop being so sad, or fat, or sad about how fat you are. These books are dedicated to teaching you that the only way to be the best possible you is to buy a book and do whatever another person tells you to do. What these books all have in common is positivity. And while some might argue that positivity is essential to the genre, I maintain that all it does is leave a particular market unsatisfied. If you've read every "You're the best" and "You're perfect the way you are" books and you're still unhappy, then where do you turn? You turn immediately below this paragraph, is where.