Building Fires, Cooking Steaks, and, Changing Tires Edition:

I have fully functioning female parts. I also can cook a damn good steak. I also have changed a tire and can start a fire properly. These are things that a good woman should know how to do…even if your manfriend does it for you most of the time (and you should let him…send feminist hate mail to bebetterblogger@gmail.com). The secret is in the “knowing”…think of it as hidden lady talents that should you get stuck in the Northwestern woods like Brian Robeson from the literary masterpiece, Hatchet, that you will indeed survive. Although there may be no cars or rib-eyes, that fire thing will help you out indeed.

Alright ladies…put your butchest outfit on and let’s get this started…

Cooking a Good Steak Sans Grill:

I’m kind of a grill snob at this point in my Texan-turned-New Yorker-life…I’m a sucker for the classic Weber running on charcoal and inevitably too much lighter fluid. BUT, my landlord apparently isn’t super excited with the thought of me rolling my Weber into my living room… so as a strict carnivore, I’ve had to figure out another way to get my beef fix without setting the building on fire.

Things you’ll need:

-A good cut of Steak…don’t even dare come at me with a puny 4oz shell steak that comes in a 4 pack…it’s just embarassing. I’d go with a good marbled rib-eye or a porterhouse if I were you.

-Butter

-Salt & Pepper

-Heavy pan…cast iron preferably.

Heat your pan up nice and hot…drop a good 2-3 pats of butter into the pan. The butter is going to create a good crust on the outside of your steak so suck it up and know the calories are WORTH IT. While your pan is heating, liberally apply S+P to your steak on both sides. The more the better. Some people think that they need to add all kinds of crazy spices and rubs to their steaks…here’s my theory…treat your steak like a lady. If you need to put a dress on her to make her look decent, the lady may not be quality from the start. Let the natural flavor of the meat be the star.

OK, so once we are all seasoned and the pan is all hot and buttery, drop your steak in. NOW WAIT. Seriously. Don’t touch it. Leave it for 3 minutes. Walk away, smoke a cigarette, change your underwear, watch youtube…whatever. Just don’t flip it. By not flipping you are letting a good crust develop on the steak and seal those meaty juices right in there. After 3 minutes, flip your steak and let it cook another 2-3 minutes on the other side. The best (pretty much the only way) to eat a good steak is Rare-Medium Rare. Side Note: If you order steak cooked WELL on a date, we are not probably going to ever work out.

Now, on to building a FIRE:

Things You’ll Need:

-Matches: Keep ‘em dry y'all

-Tinder ( paper, dry grass, or bark)

-Kindling ( dry twigs and sticks)

-Larger Logs (larger pieces of dry timber)

To start, clear your fire area by digging out a section where the base is down to mostly just dirt…you don’t want to set the whole damn forest on fire, k? The next step is to make a small ball of tinder…my personal fav is bark mixed with leaves. Build with your kindling a small teepee formation around the tinder. Then start building a larger teepee on top of the kindling teepee, with your logs. FYI…you have not lit the fire yet idiots (i hope). Make sure it feels pretty steady and that air can pass through the fire…it’ll be the key to a good roaring pile o’ flames. Last step is light your tinder and enjoy.

Changing a Tire…in a Dress:

Things you’ll need:

-Spare Tire

-Lug Wrench

-Jack

Sh*t. You’ve got a flat tire and you are late to that hot hot date. Get there girl. Pull your arse over to the side of the road (all the way over…don’t become Rodarte roadkill). Take two deep breaths, you’ve got this. Get into your trunk and grab your jack and lug wrench (it’ll be under that weird wool felt lining). Loosen the lugnuts on the your flat (don’t remove, just loosen), with your lug wrench. Use your foot/legs if you haven’t been diligent at the gym about your upper body workouts.

Next, place your jack underneath the frame of the car where you will see a flat, small metal plate (usually located directly in front of the rear tires or just behind the front ones). Jack that bad boy up enough to get the tire up off the ground (approx 5-6 inches). Once jacked, remove your lugnuts all the way and pull the tire off the car. Replace it with the spare tire, put the lug nuts back on tight (but not too tightly), lower the jack and return the car to it’s normal position. After the wheel is back on the ground, tighten your lug nuts to their tightest position with the lug wrench. Voila…DATE TIME!

Cheers to Knowing How To Do It Yourself, and Cheers to NOT Having To!

Chinae