They're the bizarre undies that promise a perfect derriere... Would you dare to wear a BUM bra?

Curvy is the new thin. Even Victoria Beckham has put on half a stone in her mission to get a bigger bottom, after David expressed his desire for big-bottomed girls. How far are you prepared to go to get the look?

If, like me, you're only a packet of Jammie Dodgers away from a fat day, then you won't be lacking in padding - but you might be searching for something that can keep your curves firmly in shape.

Well, good news: you can now buy a pair of pants that promise to lift your bottom into pert gloriousness without actually making it bigger.

Perky promise: The Double-O Thong claims to lift your bottom without actually making it bigger

If that isn't enough, these miracle knickers can even flatten your stomach at the same time. Suddenly, you've got the kind of shape that won Marilyn Monroe legendary status and a room full of A-list lovers.

However, when I clap eyes on the Double-O Thong, I recoil in horror. It looks like a piece of fetish gear gone badly, badly wrong.

First, they are flesh coloured, which makes my bottom look like pieces of beige plastic welded together to make a giant, malfunctioning Barbie.

Secondly, the pants are the shape of cycling shorts, with two large holes cut out over each buttock. That's the thong part and I'm guessing the 'Double-O' doesn't have anything to do with James Bond - it refers to my large derriere. Aye carumba.

Thongs and cycling shorts are unflattering enough in themselves, but together they are nothing short of terrifying.



Seriously, these undies may as well come with an incontinence pad for the level of desire they inspire. I've seen sexier surgical stockings.

I wouldn't be surprised if these new-age knickers double as contraception, because surely no one would ever feel like having sex while wearing these.

Merely looking at them gives me goosebumps - and not in a good way.

When it comes to my usual attire, I put one foot in followed by the other and away I go. With the bottom bra there is plenty of room for confusion. There are five holes: one for my torso, two for the legs and two for the buttocks.

Curvy: Jennifer Lopez's bottom is the envy of women everywhere

Finding the right place to put your feet is a real challenge that leaves me feeling like a contestant on The Krypton Factor.

Reluctantly, I wriggle into the control pants. I've hated my bottom for the past decade, and now it hates me, too.

Each cheek squeezes out of its cut-out hole and sits proud, propped up by the special 'butt booster bands' - basically, tight elastic straps at the top of each thigh that act as scaffolding for your buttocks. I feel pretty humiliated.

As I turn this way and that in the mirror, I can't get used to how freaky my rear looks. Honestly, even granny pants are more flattering.

'It's not quite two delicious halves of a peach, but it's not two saggy Space Hoppers squashed into a cupboard like before

But the knickers are weirdly comfortable: soft against my skin yet, thanks to the high-compression latex inside, the high waist is strong enough to rein in even the most determined doughnut-gut. They also feel securely wedged in place.

I need clothes. Urgently. Choosing what to wear with the new pants is tricky: the lace-trimmed knees would show below a miniskirt hem and I wouldn't want these horrors coming over the top of my jeans waistband to say hello.

The answer is a pencil skirt: the only fashion item that will sheath the pants and work with my newfound Jessica Rabbit wiggle. Ta da!

I had worried that lifting up the cellulite-heavy zone of my bottom would put my dimples right in everyone's eyeline, but my fears on this score are unfounded.

When I turn backwards to catch my rear view in the mirror, to my amazement it looks like my bottom is higher, rounder and smoother. VPL isn't really an issue either, because the design is virtually seamless under clothing.

Even if you were apprehended by a member of the fashion police wielding a magnifying glass, the lines under my skirt are so bizarre that no one would suspect they were from my underwear.

Mission: Victoria Beckham has put on half a stone to get a bigger behind

I've always preferred to sit on my bottom and pretend it's not there. But once acclimatised, I have to admit that the engineering of these knickers is impressive.

It's suddenly as though I've spent the past six months in the gym performing squats.





It's not quite two delicious halves of a peach, but it's not two saggy Space Hoppers squashed into a cupboard like it looked before, either.

OK, it's just me who's grabbing it, but I'd say it's grab-able. Hello, pertness.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually yearning for a bigger bottom. I reckon the more flesh you've got, the more fabulous the effect.

The Double-O Thong is like a passport to a second slice of cake. And maybe a double-chocolate fudge brownie, too, just to wash it down.

'OK, there's something different about you. What is it?' asks my friend Zoe curiously when I meet her in our favourite bar.

'Is that a new skirt?' I smile happily and widen my eyes like an innocent person who would never commit buttock fraud.

I like it that the effect is dramatic enough for people to notice, yet subtle enough that no one would guess what you're wearing.

However, I imagine the temptation to lift up your skirt and show your weird pants off to everyone might get stronger with a third glass of wine.

I don't know. I'm not brave enough to test it. Heck, I'm not even prepared to show my boyfriend what I look like in these. We're happy together. Why spoil it?

I've heard men complain about falling for Wonderbra-wearing women, only to discover their breasts are nearer their belly button than their armpits.

I bet the male of the species might become quite hypnotised by the effect of these knickers, but be horrified by the actual garments themselves.

Remember that scene in Bridget Jones's Diary where the lusty Daniel Cleaver slides his hands up Bridget's skirt for the first time only to discover her suck-in pants?

Actually, Hugh Grant, if you're reading this and you want to rehearse, I'm ready and waiting.