What’s crackin folks? After much goading for my cinematic expertise your UPW champion and motion picture aficionado has decided to do a occasional movie review for the good sons of bitc… errr folks of SoCal Uncensored.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

My Hopes were high as I headed to my local Cineplex, Long before title reigns and dreams of terrorizing foreigners there sat a young man blowing dust off the bottom of a SNES Final Fantasy 3 cartridge for the 3 billionth time trying to get the damn thing to work.

The movie opens with AKI, a scientist/space explorer who is troubled by dreams and is searching for the answer to save the world from the “Phantoms”. Phantoms are mysterious invisible creatures who can suck the soul out of a man quicker than a cheerleading squad in Frankie Kazarians lockeroom. Along the way Aki meets the “Deep Eyes” squad, a elite team of crack commandos who aid Aki in her quest to find special Spirits and save the world.

Much like a powerbomb dance segment I was expecting more but didn’t get it. Final Fantasy is visually stunning, but lacked any solidly established story, for whatever reason I heard Blazin Beni Chong thought it was a great flick *snicker* and yes I am a asshole. As the movie closed I could not helped but be disappointed by the unrewarding ending I swore in the distance I could hear a irate Adam Pearce complaining about paying $8.50 to watch a &^%*ing owl fly off, then proceeding to ask the theater manager how his mother made a living with a jar of Vaseline, a Polaroid camera and disenfranchised Hungarian midget, of course it could have all been just in my head.

All in all I give Final Fantasy the Spirits within 3 1/2 stars out of Five. The movie starts hot but never slows down to tell people WTF is going on and ends with what had the potential to be a stellar ending but just did not have me hooked. I will say the leaps in computer animation are quite evident in this movie and its a visual masterpiece, but then again if I wanted all eye candy and no substance Looney Lane’s number would be on my speed dialer…..

Well see you all at Church Sunday

Your UPW Heavyweight Champion

Samoa Joe