It feels like Christmas arrives earlier every year. As soon as the Halloween ghouls and harvest pumpkins shuffle off the shelves, retailers start decking their halls in earnest. Mariah Carey and Bing Crosby start crooning from what seems like every speaker before the Thanksgiving dishes are done, and I bet you’ve already spied a holiday shopping ad or two. The pervasiveness of the holiday makes some of us roll our eyes, and you may catch yourself thinking, “I hate Christmas.” For some, the holiday can be stressful, emotionally challenging, or even downright painful.

According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, 38 percent of people said their stress level increases during the holidays. Participants listed a lack of time or money, commercialism, the pressures of gift-giving, and family gatherings as their top stressors. If you’re one of those who finds the holidays less joyful than jarring, you’re not alone – and there are strategies to help.

Family tragedy can dim holiday’s light

For those who have lost loved ones, Christmas can dredge up painful memories. After Lisa Bast’s dad passed away on January 5, 2014 and her grandma passed on January 6, 2015, the holiday season was never the same. “They were in the hospital during the holidays, so that’s where my family spent them – at hospice or the hospital,” Lisa explains. Because their family is small, Lisa and her mom both dread that time of year, which just reminds them of the “glue” that’s no longer around to hold their family together.

“Without them, get-togethers over the holidays seem to be spurred by obligation and are awkward,” she says. “Their absence is keenly felt. My parents hosted the family get-together on Christmas Eve every year and my mother has been still doing that but this year, she’s decided not to do so any longer.” Instead, Lisa and her mom are considering getting away from it all over the holidays, to avoid that empty feeling.

Not everyone loves obligatory gatherings

For the past couple of years, Jenny R. has spent the holidays on a yoga retreat in the Bahamas to avoid the obligatory family get-together. Since Jenny doesn’t have any kids of her own, she finds it stressful to gather with her mom’s husband’s six grandkids and her brother’s family of five. “It is total chaos with crying and fighting kids and dogs barking and running everywhere,” she explains. Jenny excuses herself from the insanity and plans a separate, adults-only gathering for later in the season.

Karen Mitner also finds holiday gatherings difficult, as a working mom with a to-do list that rivals Santa’s. Between buying gifts for everyone and maintaining the calendar, it’s impossible for her to relax and enjoy the season. “Christmas makes me sad, lonely, and full of angst, as I see it as a time of nonstop commitments and obligations,” Karen explains. Even though she’s been spending the holidays with her husband’s family for the past two decades, constant talk of their childhood and people from their hometown makes her feel like an outsider. “It makes me feel like I am performing a juggling act of happiness — trying to make sure the kids and hubby are happy,” she says.

Retail workers see people’s worst selves emerge

We’ve all seen the viral videos of people getting into fights at the mall around holiday time or generally on their worst behavior while holiday shopping. When Laurelei Litke worked in retail, she started to hate Christmas for that very reason. “I struggled with Christmas for over half a decade after my years in retail experience,” she says. “Watching people become ugly over the money they were spending on each other definitely took the spirit of Christmas out of perspective for me.” Laurelei heard customers yell at employees about out-of-stock items, watched drivers block parking spots with their bodies rather than let others get them, and generally behave like bona-fide naughty list members.

“The years following quitting my mall job, I learned that there's only a specific type of person that waits until Christmas Eve to buy all of their Christmas presents, and most people are more considerate than that,” Laurelei acknowledges. “You never know what's going on in someone's life, and all you can really do is be grateful for what you have.” Now, she’s especially grateful that she works a marketing desk job and gets several days off for Christmas. And because she knows what it’s like in the trenches, she buys Christmas presents long in advance and sticks to online shopping, to discourage big-name retailers from keeping unreasonable holiday hours.

Others find the season stale

If you want to claw your ears out when you hear the same carols for the 500th time, Julie Sturgeon Sherpa can sympathize. As a development editor for romance authors, she knows that repeating the same theme over and over without resolving any plot points bores readers. She feels the same way about Christmas. “I get restless with it because I haven’t had time to miss the trappings before it rolls around again,” she says. “For me, Christmas takes over such a chunk of your life that having it roll around 11 months after you put it away doesn’t give you time to feel wistful and miss it. At some point, the ritual becomes routine and the routine becomes stress and meaning flies right out the window.”

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To keep Christmas fresh, Julie tries to celebrate just a little bit differently, every year. One year, she may deck the halls from top to bottom and just put out a small tree the next. Sometimes, she goes all out on thoughtful presents, other times it’s, gift cards for everyone. She also joined a group that “adopted” foster kids and provided Christmas gifts for them last year, to keep the reason for the season front and center. “I try to avoid the expected and come up with ideas that are unique to our household,” Julie explains. “As I get older, I find myself looking for new ways to make the real meaning of the season real to me.”

Experts say there’s hope for the holidays

If you see yourself in any of these circumstances, experts have some strategies for you. Relationship coach Chuck Rockey suggests really taking a careful look at your calendar and trying to pare it down where possible, to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Like Jenny, he recommends making January plans to catch up with friends you don’t see during the holidays.

And for people like Karen and Lisa who also find get-togethers challenging, he suggests keeping visits short and sweet. “Also think about what will make it easier to spend time with them,” he adds. If you feel excluded during chatter about old friends or coworkers you don’t know, ask your fellow guests about their lives, their pets, or even the weather. Also equip yourself with some conversation extractors — the restroom and the dessert table both make great exit strategies.

Philadelphia-based therapist and author Steven Rosenberg, Ph.D. points out that families with poor communication or other stressors can find their relationships break down even further around the stress of the holidays. In those cases, manage your expectations and cut yourself a little slack. “Don’t try to make this holiday season the best ever,” he says. Set limits and stick to them — and that goes for holiday spending, eating and drinking, and party-going too.

Find ways to savor the season

And if you’d rather take a page out of Jenny’s book and mark the season in your own way, Rockey says the holidays are a great time to find what does bring you joy, when carols, family gatherings, and baking cookies doesn't cut it. “If you don’t like the holidays in general, it’s a pretty good bet that the holiday traditions that you are used to somehow don’t reflect your core values,” he explains.

Try identifying a few of your core values and experiment with building some traditions around them.” If you value community involvement for example, try looking for volunteer opportunities. If adventure really jingles your bells, plan an adrenaline-boosting trip. December may make a great time to start a meditation practice, watch a TED Talk a day for 20 days, or find something else that inspires your very own peace on earth. That might help you stop saying “I hate Christmas” and instead, start looking forward to December.

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