It’s not even Valentine’s Day yet, but we have an early frontrunner for the Stupidest Thing You’ll Read All Month: Ralph Retort’s SHOCKING REVELATION that people get drunk at GDC (and the comments thread is even more hilariously idiotic than the article), and then collude (i.e. drink with people we like, instead of presumably alone in our hotel rooms). This article was the merit of widespread mirth and mocking on my social media network, mostly from people who, you know, are planning to go to GDC, and are probably going to FUCKING GET IT ON.

Just some notes for Ralph:

The sound of every adult over 30’s eyeballs eyerolling into the back of their skulls is triggered by the fact that you seem surprised that people at ANY PROFESSIONAL CONFERENCE IN THE WORLD find that the most interesting content is at the bar across the street. At GDC, these drunken parties are not plotted by the secret Jezebel man-hating cabal. Instead, they are thrown by companies like Sony and Microsoft. Early in my career, I faked my way into a Sega party by pretending to be Andy Hollis and found my way 10 feet away from George Clinton and his band playing. Which was awesome. Because life is an excuse to collect awesome stories, and this was one. Sometimes, these evil SJW drunkfests bus women in – I assume by ads on Craigs List – purely for eye candy due to the fact that the games industry – and by extension, it’s game conference – is a ridiculous sausage fest. CCP parties in particular try to create a gothy bacchanalia. Lots of people choose not to go to these parties and stay at the bars, because typically the music is too loud to talk. Also there isn’t any room for playing board games. Because, it turns out some game developers are massive nerds. GDC is NOT a small, niche show for a small clique. It is the largest show for game professionals in the world, and attracts tens of thousands of professionals, who give talks ranging from topics like how to treat women better in games all the way to how to improve breast physics. When you have 40000 or so developers on sight, you’re going to cover a LOT of different topics. Any game developer who shells out coin is welcome, and anyone who legitimately wants to break into the industry would be well-advised to join the GDC conference associate, as you get a free pass in exchange for helping keeping the thing running. Virtually every major league game developer you can think of has spoken at GDC. Yes, people get together with friends, catch up, connect with new, like-minded people. It’s called ‘networking’ and is necessary to land your next job or your next business deal. In the games industry, which is incredibly small but also has incredibly high turn over, you are stupid if you don’t keep your network well-tended and lubricated with an occasional beer. GDC is not a place where you show games or attempt to reach out to journalists, usually. Most time interacting with journalists is actually constantly reminding yourself and them that you can’t tell them what you’re working on. For that reason, most journalists opt to cover E3 or PAX instead. If you believe its wrong to play games made by a team that might have members who use drugs, you should burn your XBox now. Seriously, have you ever actually encountered a team of game artists on a Saturday night?

People who want to see Saint Raph at his most patient are well-advised to go read his many, MANY responses to idiocy in the comments thread. It’s quite hilarious. Meanwhile — I will be speaking at GDC, and for once it’s early in the week, so yeah, I’ll be spending most of it at the bar across the street.