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With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.


Crack down on low-quality, copycat Thursday Night Football games that steal viewers and tarnish reputation of real professional football games




Take advantage of strange new world called “cyberspace” that allows “surfers” to “stream” videos directly onto devices called “personal laptop computers”




Streamline game-day broadcasts by eliminating extraneous commercials, NFC North



Increase jostling, pushing by 60 percent



Crack down on player protests by solving racial inequality and eliminating police brutality




Explore the possibility of building some kind of connection between the currently completely separate worlds of football and gambling




Boost drama with steamier in-game romance plot lines



Clear helmets to improve player visibility



Reduce human error plaguing the league by implementing a robot commissioner



Keep lying about how bad concussions really are



Encourage viewers to come back each week by ending broadcasts with two-minute warning cliffhanger

