2019 will be my 5th HRH Ibiza Road Trip, and I can’t wait! Over the years I have seen, and indeed been part of, some pretty appalling fashion disasters. In fact my own lack of dress sense extends all year round according to my wife.

So here are a few pointers as to “What Not To Wear In Ibiza”.

♫ Gentlemen – the first one is obvious. Speedo’s/Mankini/Thongs. It’s not big and it’s not clever. You may get laughter and a round of applause, but that is merely to hide the horror of those having to see it. Don’t do it. Ever.

Ladies – you wear whatever you want around the pool. Even if it is not a great look, no-one in their right mind is going to tell you.

♫ Again, mainly aimed at the men – the back-to-front baseball cap. WTF? If you are a twenty-something rapper it is mandatory to look ridiculous, but a 50 year-old? Don’t point the cap to the side either or you may get some propositions you were not expecting. Plus your shadow will look like you have a deformed duck on your head.

♫ Flip-flops. Just who invented these and why? I’ve certainly never mastered them and end up with all sorts beneath the sole of my feet every time I walk. If you do insist then make sure you keep a strict 4/4 time as you walk along so we can all join in with an AC/DC riff. If you are running then be aware that some of us may get over-excited and assume that dogging is going on close by.

♫ T-shirts. You know the drill. It doesn’t matter how hot it is, black is the colour. Not white, not blue, not red and definitely not plum or salmon or some other fruit/veg/fish that is not even a real colour at all. Wearing a “Jonni Davis – State of the Nation” or “I Love Fleur” design will be looked upon as brown-nosing and will not be tolerated. Expect to be thrown in the swimming pool.

♫ Gentlemen – emerging naked on your hotel balcony behind a r’n’r flag after too many beers and leering loudly at those around the pool below often seems to be an hilarious thing to do at the time. It’s not. The sea breeze will inevitably arrive.

Ladies – you do whatever you want.

♫ Those who have been before will know that as you stroll up and down the “West End” in the evening, many young people will appear who seem to be wearing shorts half-outside/half-inside their body. My recommendation is not to be tempted to copy them. There are very few places to wash shorts properly in the hotels.

♫ Shiny jewellery. The seagulls love this! No matter how tough you are, it is impossible to look cool whilst fighting off a seagull. They are demi-gorgon’s with wings and an insatiable appetite even for the inedible.

♫ Finally, Sunglasses. Odd one this. There seems to be no point in wearing sunglasses (even ridiculously expensive ones where people say “How much?! You twat, mine cost me a quid from Primark.”) because you will still be approached every 3 minutes by someone offering you a special deal on plastic-rimmed multi-coloured shades. Even as you sit at a beach front cafe trying desperately to consume and keep down a hearty breakfast after another night of over-indulgence whilst wearing 4 pairs of sunglasses to keep out that sunshine tearing your brain out of your head, you will still be offered some more. Resistance is futile.

All together now, “Whoah! We’re Going To Ibiza Whoah! Back To The Island, Whoah! We’re Going To Ibiza, Whoah! We’re Gonna Have A Party, Whoah! In The Mediterranean Sea.”

Words : Keith Lamley