The results are in: we’re a nation of idiots.

Well, that might overstate the case a bit. But some of the latest polling data does seem to show that at least 30 percent of American citizens—and maybe lots more—are as dumb as a bag of inbred hammers.

The poll in question is a delightful one put out this week by Public Policy Polling, a concern ranked by Fordham University as the best out of 28 organizations for the accuracy of its national pre-election estimates in 2012. This time, the folks at P.P.P. decided to have a bit of fun, and rather than polling about which political party is up or down, opted to ask Americans about their beliefs in conspiracy theories. I can just imagine the laughter at the P.P.P. offices when they started putting together the questions.

The results, though, were no comedy. More like a horror movie—and one with a plotline that goes beyond any level of belief.

How many of you think Barack Obama is the Antichrist? You know, the fella (or fellas, depending on which part of the Bible you’re reading) confronted by Jesus in the Second Coming? Twenty-six percent of Americans either believe that the president is preparing for war with the Messiah or aren’t sure that he isn’t. (Of course, since Obama has been in office for five years, these yahoos should really start to wonder what’s taking Jesus so long to get back to Earth to confront the demon president.)

Hopefully, these are the same 26 percent of wackos who believe that the government puts fluoride into drinking water notfor dental health but for “other, more sinister reasons,” as the P.P.P. question read. It was all a communist plot, you see, to do . . . something.

Stanley Kubrick did a delightful send-up of this conspiracy theory in the film *Dr. Strangelove,*with a main character who declared that fluoridation was designed to contaminate the “precious bodily fluids” of Americans. He started World War III because of his beliefs; fortunately, most of the 26 percent probably couldn’t even start a math test.

That doesn’t mean that these uninformed folk are harmless. Fifty-four percent of Americans—more than half the country!—either believes that childhood vaccinations cause autism or aren’t sure whether they do. Never mind that study after study, including one just released by the Centers for Disease Control, say this belief is uneducated malarkey. Why should anyone consider that when we have former Playboy model and B-movie actress Jenny McCarthy disagreeing? Yes, that is where we are: Americans are more likely to believe a nursing-school dropout than PhDs from America’s most prestigious institutions of higher learning.

Which brings us to the next absurdity: climate change. Forty-nine percent either believe the college dropouts and billionaires or aren’t sure if they should—that global warming is a hoax. Notsimply that scientists are in error (which they aren’t) but that they have orchestrated the most expensive, wide-ranging, and mind-numbing fraud in the history of the world, just ’cause.

Once again, it’s the PhDs versus college dropouts like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Sure, there are a few scientists—almost never climatologists—who cast aspersions on the idea that all the melting ice and record temperatures in the world might have something to do with the planet getting warmer. But when the vast, vast, vast majority of scientists—including one hired by the Koch brothers, the multi-billionaires with a financial interest in poo-poohing climate change—have concluded not only that the phenomenon is real but that it is being triggered by man-made pollutants, perhaps doubters should set aside their doubts.