There are so many challenges for parents with autistic kids and tantrums are just par for the course. Whether you are in the sanctity of home or out in public, your child’s tantrums seem to broadcast your anxiety and insecurities as a parent. That sense of helplessness mixed with anger and embarrassment is never a good combination.

Without question, a tantrum is rough on everyone: child, parent, onlookers at the grocery store… To a passer-by the situation plays like a spoiled, rotten, little monster of a child with a side dish of shamefully bad parenting.

Well, you know the saying: “Never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”

What is a tantrum?

Physically speaking, a tantrum can universally be described as shrieking, flexing of the body and flailing of arms and/or legs, and falling or throwing one’s self to the ground in fits of rage and discontent. Dr. Jean Mercer, Professor Emerita of Psychology at the Richard Stockton College of New Jersey states that a tantrum is dependent upon the motivation of a child at a given age.

Infants: may be hungry or in pain

Toddlers: under stress or tired

Pre-schoolers: testing their boundaries

School-aged and older: tantrums are translated to “meltdowns”

Mercer argues that the motivation of a child in the throes of a tantrum is not to get one’s way but a form of communication which expresses anxiety and stress. More often than not, as adults we know our limitations and have the ability to say, “That’s it! I’ve had enough!” We take control of the situation or walk away, but sometimes, deep down, we want to throw ourselves to the ground and scream too. Many children do not have that ability yet.

How can we deal with, or better yet, prevent tantrums?

There are two possible ways of dealing with tantrums: a counting procedure and planned ignoring.

Counting Procedure: The parent or guardian may calmly take control when faced with a child in the throes of a tantrum by neither negative nor positive reinforcement. Count one number aloud in between the wailing followed by “you’re calming down” and hopefully by the time you reach ten, the tantrum is over long enough to ask what the child wants. This helps teach the child how to ask for something appropriately. There is one downside to this method and that is if your child has echolalia.

Planned Ignoring: This method may be used especially when the child thrives on attention. The key to success is making sure everyone stays consistent. Do not reward the child in tantrum but ignore the outburst; lavish praise when they behave appropriately; keep yourself occupied so the child knows their method is not working, and lastly, give positive reinforcement.

The only time one should intervene during a tantrum is when the child is hurting either themselves or others.

Another thought is comparing a tantrum to that of a fire. Since childhood we’ve learned to stop, drop, and roll if we are on fire. As the person in control, you can prevent the smoke from turning into fire by staying vigilant of your child’s tantrum triggers. That doesn’t imply that tantrums will disappear completely. Here are the three steps.

Stop: Hit the pause button on yourself. If you are yelling, stop. If you are pacing, stop. Sometimes situations will escalate because your autistic child is feeding off your energy.

Drop: Drop your voice and stance. By physically relaxing you are regaining control and taking charge of the situation in a calm manner. This allows your child a buffer from sensory overload.

Roll: There is that old saying, ‘to roll with the punches.’ When your child is perplexed and you are frustrated sometimes the best thing to do is go to your separate corners and take a breather.

This is not to imply that you are giving up on the child or letting them win. Empowering your child gives them a sense of control in a world where they are overwhelmed. Once the household is calm again, those previous issues can be revisited with less resistance.

Pediatrician Dr. William Sears has three suggestions: To practice attachment parenting, minimize triggers, and be aware of your own anger buttons to prevent tantrums in the first place.

Attachment parenting: For infants who are carried a lot, parents are more sensitive to their child’s needs thereby intuitively catering to the needs of their child. Sears believes the child then operates from an inner peace with better coping ability. Parents of an older child can learn to stay emotionally in tune with their child, thus responding to their subtle needs.

Minimize triggers: Keep a tantrum diary and track them on a behavior chart. Knowing when and where the triggers occur can help change your actions and prevent meltdowns.

Your anger buttons: If you have a short temper then finding out what sets you off can be lead to more mature responses. Their behaviour is a direct reflection of how you react to your child.

Look for pre-tantrum signals, like body language, and nip them early. Frustration is a part of life. Finding the balance of when to let your child work through an issue and when to intervene is challenging but it empowers you child to find coping mechanisms that work for them. This is especially crucial for children on the autism scale.

Finally

If tantrums seem to be a constant occurrence, try to step back and look at the situation with objective eyes. It will not be easy especially when you are faced with a complete meltdown, and perhaps on the verge of your own. An autistic child is very literal. Giving in to their tantrum demands only reinforces that they will get what they want with inappropriate behaviour. Is it easier to give in? Most of the time yes, but consider the long-term repercussions of taking the easy way out. Immediate satisfaction instantly trains them to misbehave, which is far more difficult for an autistic child to unlearn.

You are the key to open the gates for your child. It is through your experience and maturity where they learn to best handle controversy. Can you be the good example?

Author: Dr. Tali Shenfield

Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/dghughes/166487265