EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Having just witnessed his father retch uncontrollably from a bout of food poisoning, local 8-year-old Jacob Zimmer told reporters Tuesday that he could already tell the image of his dad puking would be ingrained in his memory forever. “From this day forward, I will never forget the sight of my dad throwing up with tears running down his face—it is stuck in my mind for good,” said the second-grader, predicting that even as an adult he would be able to recall with ease the horrible sound of his father groaning as he missed the toilet bowl and spewed some of the viscous brown-and-white mixture onto the bathroom wall. “Years from now—at my high school graduation; at my wedding; when he’s holding my newborn child—whenever I think ‘Dad,’ the image of him kneeling on the bathroom floor and dry heaving until vomiting bile will be one of the first things that flashes through my mind, if not the very first.” Sources later confirmed that the memory would eventually be supplanted at his brother’s bachelor party in 2036 when his father receives an awkward lap dance from a woman one-third his age.

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