1. A Democratic congressman walks into a bar. The bartender says, â€œSorry, we donâ€™t serve your kind here.â€ The Democratic congressman whimpers, â€œYouâ€™re right, Iâ€™m sorry, I never shouldâ€™ve come in here, itâ€™s all my fault, boo-hoo, please, bend me over, Iâ€™ll do whatever you want because Iâ€™m a little punk.â€ The bartender says, â€œJesus Christ, you people are pathetic.â€

2. What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs wearing a sombrero? I donâ€™t know, but whatever you call it, itâ€™s got about 1,000% more fight in it than these jackass Democrats.

3. A member of the House Democratic Caucus goes to the doctor. The doctor says, â€œI have bad news and good news. The bad news is you have a broken foot. The good news is, youâ€™re a congressman, which means you have health insurance, which means youâ€™ll be able to get treatment without going totally bankrupt, unlike many of your constituents, who you are actively betraying by thinking only of your electoral prospects. And also,â€ the doctor continued, â€œI canâ€™t believe you actually broke your foot by jumping off a bridge just because a Republican told you to. What kind of spineless loser are you? Get out of my office. I canâ€™t stand to look at you.â€

4. The entire United States Senate is flying on a plane when its engines start to fail. The plane starts falling through the sky. There are 100 senators on board, but only 41 parachutes. The Democrats say, â€œLetâ€™s give all the parachutes to the Republicansâ€”that way we can just sit on our fat asses and die while the plane crashes because weâ€™re a bunch of self-hating pussies.â€

5. Little Johnny Congressman (D) was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to go pee!â€ The teacher replied, “Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The proper word is ‘urinate.’ Use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will let you go.” Little Johnny thought for a bit, then said, “If a Republican wanted to urinate on me, I would let him because I have no self-respect.”