BOSTON—Emphasizing the detrimental health effects of nocturnal respiratory sound generation on sufferers, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that snoring may increase one’s risk of having their throats cut ear to ear during the night by loved ones. “Our results appear to indicate that those who snore, whether that be mild wheezing or loud, arrhythmic snorting, incur heightened risks of getting their jugular slashed in the middle of the night by family members,” said lead author Dr. Alan Ballard, who stressed that, if left untreated, snorers were more likely to have their neck sliced open by someone they loved trying to get a quiet night’s rest. “Although it might seem as if the most dangerous side effects of snoring are chronic fatigue, heart disease, and diabetes, new evidence suggests that the dangers of having one’s carotid artery severed in a fit of rage grew significantly in the long run. In some of the more severe cases of chronic sleep apnea we saw, subjects even exhibited signs of their windpipe being repeatedly stabbed by exhausted children who were trying to sleep across the hall.” Ballard added that the health hazards of snoring compounded with age, citing a related study in which several long-time snorers had those close to them suddenly snap and cleanly behead them with a meat axe.

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