"As a queer woman, there's something about attending an event you can't legally host yourself that can dampen the fun." - Maeve Marsden has some useful rules for happy couples and guests navigating their special day in an unequal world. Photo: Stocksy

It seemed like a switch was flicked when I turned 30 and suddenly everyone was getting engaged, married and pregnant. Because I am a likeable enough sort, I've been invited to quite a few weddings in the last year or so. These events were perfectly lovely (flowers and craft beers and dancing, oh my!), but as a queer woman, there's something about attending an event you can't legally host yourself that can dampen the fun.

A friend recently said to me, "If you dislike marriage so much, why do you even go?" I considered responding "Because I love an open bar!", but really the answer is simple: I love my friends, I want them to be happy and I want to celebrate their happiness with them.

The thing is, I like being happy too. And I like my LGBTQI brothers and sisters and gender neutral siblings to be happy. So I thought I'd provide a little set of rules for wedding planners and guests navigating their special day in an unequal world.

1. Invite the partner. This should seem obvious, but if you're inviting husbands, wives and whatnot, you've got to let your gay pals bring a date. I don't care if the bride comes from a really conservative family and you're worried about upsetting Grandpa. If you want your gay friend or relative to attend, you have to let them be themselves.


2. Consider their feelings when you're talking about your wedding plans as they could find such discussions upsetting. Personally, I am disinterested in getting hitched regardless of the law, so feel free to call me up to chat menus, flowers, dresses and more. But I've got LGBTQI friends for whom their inability to get legally married hits a really raw nerve. If they don't express the glee you're hoping for, be sensitive and definitely don't accuse them of over-reacting or "making it about them". This country actively legislates against our love lives. It's government sanctioned discrimination and it's more than worthy of our outrage.

3. Don't expect your LGBTQI guests to wear gendered clothing that makes them uncomfortable. Don't gently suggest that cousin Tom's flamboyant boyfriend might want to tone things down, and don't ask your butch sister to wear a bridesmaidly frock if she'll be desperately uncomfortable. If you have a transgender friend or relative who isn't 'out' to the whole family, it's not your call how they choose to dress or present themselves. It's your role to help make them feel comfortable and welcome as they are.

4. Include an acknowledgement that Australian marriage legislation is outdated and that you don't agree with it. Would you happily sit through a ceremony that explicitly excluded you? Probably not. It takes one minute to add an addendum to the whole "marriage is between a man and a woman" section of the ceremony that says "according to the happy couple, marriage is about love not gender". You can phrase it however you like, just make a clear statement to your LGBTQI guests that you believe they deserve the same rights as you. For what it's worth, I get a bit choked up every time my straight friends include this statement in their ceremony. You make people happy and get the added bonus of looking progressive and considerate in front of your nearest and dearest.

5. Don't expect thanks for including the acknowledgement. Sure, your guests might spontaneously tell you what it meant to them and that's grand, but you're not doing it for thanks or congratulations, you're doing it because it's the right and decent thing to do.

6. Wedding guests, if you meet some gays, don't open the conversation with "Wasn't it nice that Bill and Betty included that bit in the ceremony about same-sex marriage?" You may find I respond with "It'd be nicer if the majority of Australians hadn't voted for an actively homophobic government last election." Seriously, the best way to behave around the gays is not to bring up their sex life unless they mention it. They want to hit the champers and boogie to '90s dance hits, not discuss marriage equality all night.

7. Straight dudes. DO NOT SLEAZE ONTO THE LESBIANS ON THE DANCE FLOOR. This is not the night you cosy up to your best mate's lesbian pal from high school and angle for a threesome. I've thus far avoided personal anecdote, but at a recent wedding one guy managed to cover off both the above points by sweaty-bear-hugging my girlfriend and I as we stumbled through a samba, slurring out: "I love that you're a same-sex couple. I love same-sex couples. Wasn't it great how they mentioned you in the ceremony? I love gays. Seriously. I live in a gay area and there are heaps of gays in my building and they organise the best parties." Cool story, bro. Take your hands off my girlfriend.

8. If you see a person leaving the Ladies' loos who is wearing pants / shirt / tie / suit etc, please don't freak out. This should be a basic rule for all such incidents but I am compelled to note it here after someone I know was mistaken for a dude 3 times at a wedding, evidently because she was the only lady wearing trousers. Who cares who's using the Ladies at a private function? The best response to a person of unexpected or unclear gender in a gendered space is to not worry about it.

9. Brief those giving speeches: No gay jokes or slurs. Avoid sexism. Hell, make sure they bypass racism, ableism and other forms of discrimination while they're at it! If the best man thinks it's totally hilarious that they dressed the groom up as a woman for his bucks or hired him a male stripper because HAHAHA GAY, that's their business. Don't tell the story in a space where LGBTQI people will have to grimace awkwardly through their lifestyles being made into the butt of a joke (hahaha. butt. gay. amirite?)

10. Better than all of the above? Just don't get married until everybody can. It's called solidarity. Imagine the pressure on the government to effect change if straight people just stopped getting married.

That's it from me! Queers, feel free to add your suggested rules in the comments. While I have your attention, I've got some rules for you too (I'm a pretty bossy lady). If you get invited, maybe don't use the "If anyone should object" section of the ceremony to stand up and deliver a short speech on marriage equality and don't purposefully talk about your strap-on collection in the vicinity of Grandma Joan (unless you know she's into that sorta thing). Respect's a two-way street, people.