The 2002 540i is a 4.4 Litre rear-wheel-drive V8 sedan with a big trunk and an even longer hood. It seats 4 comfortably (though you can probably fit 4 more people in the trunk) and has the most bizarre attempt at cup-holders. This car is the pinnacle of BMW sedans.


Full Disclosure: BMW wanted me to have this car so bad that they sold it to a Canadian gentlemen 12 years ago and let him put 190,000 kms on it. That’s 110,000 in freedom units. This gentlemen dedicated ungodly amount of effort to replace all the gasket so the car doesn’t leak like the Exxon Valdez, and finally decided to sell the car to me for roughly the same price as a single trip to the mechanic.

Driving around town, the car has an almost lethargic quality to it. But once you kick the go pedal, everything comes alive and you are reminded of what 340 foot-pound of torque and a balanced chassis feels like. Basically, hell breaks loose.


Exterior 8/10

Talk about a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This car wears the facelifted E39 body style, which is the ultimate exercise in restrained design. From afar, there is not a single element that remotely hints at the capabilities of this car. The body-lines are taunt but not overly styled, the wheels are well-sized but not comically large, the rear diffuser is purposeful but not the size of Greenland. And oh, this V8 powerplant pushes all of its exhaust out of a single tailpipe.


Yet the whole package comes together to command an undeniable presence. In Black Sapphire Metallic, this car would not feel out of place being valet parked in front of an Emirati hotel among other exotics with far more expensive marques.


The E39 5 series would have been a perfect 10 in looks, but the back-end might be just a tad too chunky for my taste, making the rear look slightly more out-dated than the rest of the car. This is unfortunate because most people will only be seeing the ass-end of this car.

The paint of this particular car isn’t in the best condition. Right after I got the car, I tried doing a one-pass paint correction on it, only to realize the clear coat is made from diamond dust. This is too bad because Metallic Black looks like heaven when properly maintained.


Acceleration 8/10

Relentless.

At any gear and any speed, flooring the gas pedal will result in a satisfying shove from behind. It’s even more impressive considering the car weighs in at 1.7 tons. Because the transmission is tuned for smoothness rather than responsiveness, and the cabin is so well isolated, there is absolutely no drama while accelerating.


Braking 7/10 The brakes are big and work well. This car has ventilated disks, which help, I think. The pedal feel is on the softer side. But you can brake hard all day long without much fade.


Interior 8/10 It’s exactly how you’d expect a 5 Series with M-Sport Suspension to ride like. It’s firm, but the weight of the car dampens out a lot of the smaller movement. On a smooth highway, the car feels sublime.


The interior is a nice place to be. Everything reachable is wrapped in leather. The controls have absolute no play, they all engage with a satisfying click.

The steering wheel is nice and thick. You almost never want to let go of it. No, that was not a dick joke. For the 540i, BMW used a recirculating balls steering system rather than the usual rack and pinions. It feels a bit numb on-center, but in spirited driving, the feedback is almost as good. Seriously, I'd pick this over a 530i any day. The disadvantage of recirculating balls is greatly exaggerated.


That was a dick joke.


Handling 9/10

This car does not put a grin on your face. Grinning is for when driving Miatas. This car is engineered to make you smirk. There is very little reminder of what this car is capable of until you floor the right pedal. As such, you can’t help but be smug about the fact that very few cars that you pull up to at the traffic light are capable of outrunning your decade old sedan.


This is more apparent in the curves. Although the V8 makes it a bit more nose-heavy than its 50/50 weight-distributed inline-six counterpart, it still carves corner like nobody’s business.

This car is Jean-Claude Van Damme in sweatpants. It might look disarming, it can still beat you to a pulp.


Gearbox 7/10

Strictly speaking, this car doesn’t even need a transmission. You can start in 3rd gear and leave it there for the duration of your trip. Because red-lining in 3rd will get you into plenty of trouble with the law.


But if you are feeling too environmentally conscious to be mainlining the Keystone XL straight into the gas tank, then use that gear lever to get out of the single digit fuel consumption. However, when it does shift gears, the engagement is imperceptible.

With the M-Sport trim, the final drive ratio is further shortened, making the 1st gear of this car comically useless for anything but burnouts.


Toys 5/10

This is a serious car, there are only serious toys. The seats are 75 ways adjustable, including motorized headrests. There is a pimpin' motorized sun shade in the back. There is a passcode-based ignition lock that makes you feel like Jason Statham from the Transporter. But it’s missing all the modern amenities like navigation, satellite radio, and functional cup holders.


Audio 6/10

The stock exhaust is very muted. Which is the theme of this car in case you haven’t noticed. Combined with a well-isolated cabin, you won’t be hearing that sweet, sweet V8 sound until about 3500 RPM. Even at redline, the engine doesn’t sound strained, it’s always ready to give more.


There is no aux-in or USB or Bluetooth. The radio is shit. Don’t use the radio. You don’t want to be caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen when driving this.

Environment 3/10

This car comes from an era of cheap gas and very little emission regulations. In terms of environmental impact, The BMW 540i wastes about the same amount of hydrocarbon as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig. Split between its massive 70L fuel tank and an insatiable appetite for various form of oil, you’d be adding dinosaur juice to it every week.


Just deal with it.

Overall Score: Who cares? It's a fun, drivable car at 10% of the MSRP.