NORTH POLE – Usually on the night before Christmas, Santa’s elves are burning the midnight oil helping St. Nick prepare for his long night of gift delivering. This year however, things were different. The recently unionized elves have been seen lined up for miles outside Santa’s Workshop protesting his decision to outsource toy production to Tianjin, China. Many elves expressed their discontent.

“I never thought I would say this,” said Buddy the Elf, leader of the protests. “But Santa is a cotton-headed Ninnymuggins. I mean, we as elves aren’t paid at all, this is a volunteer position. How he was able to save money switching away from free labor just seems like fundamentally poor business practice. Then again, Santa really isn’t the best businessman.” Buddy then turned around to some other elves protesting and shouted, “anybody remember why Santa’s Steaks went out of business?”

“Yeah, because he eats his steak well-done and nobody’s gonna buy food from a man who orders steak well-done” shouted one elf, much to the amusement of his fellow protestors. “And remember Santa’s Airlines? Santa Vodka? I mean, together they cancelled out how awful the other one was.”

“Yeah, remember Santa’s Holly-jolly Institute of Technology?” mirrored another elf. “That university was S.H.I.T.! I had to attend vocational school just to be eligible for employment in his own damn workshop!”

Fortunately, Santa himself was kind enough to let us tour his new sweatshop with him.

“Ho, ho, ho” he muttered as he walked past his three buxom secretaries. “That’s their names” he said with a wink. We continued walking down the hallway and into the assembly room where countless Chinese children were assembling toys. “Ho, ho, ho!” he bellowed. “That’s their names” he said again with another wink.

“This was simply a smart move for the company,” Santa said, explaining his motivations for laying off his world-famous elven workforce. “Sure, I have to pay a little extra for labor. But productivity has skyrocketed, these children sew my ties and hats twice as fast as those elves did, plus I don’t have to pay for their benefits!”

Mrs. Claus had little to say regarding this decision.

“You think he fucked those elves over?” she whispered, horridly. “You have no idea what he did to me.”

But not all of Santa’s underlings are upset by the decision.

“I am unt-dreaming of unt White Christmäs” shouted Adolf the red-nosed reindeer. “Zee’s tiny elves are rüining our North Pole, unt only Santer Klaüs ist capable of restoring our former glory.”

Outside of the workshop, the elves began to sing rally songs to the tune of Christmas music.

As always, thanks for reading. Happy Holidays from the Supreme Report. -Z