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Writer & Comedian

Day ???? of lockdown and it seems there are some drawbacks to electing people who are fundamentally indifferent to human life.



If you’ve ever wondered what it would take for the British media to really take this government to task, well it’s not nearly a thousand deaths a day. Somehow it seems absolutely right that the way we hear about the end of humanity is a slide show presentation fronted by Dominic Raab. His brieﬁngs aren’t even the least inspiring: Priti Patel is like a candidate from a version of The Apprentice where you want to work for Satan, while Matt Hancock has the air of someone who’s still in the friend-zone with his own wife. Still, hardly the government’s fault they dithered. With the high elderly death toll they were unsure whether to go into lockdown, or give the virus a social care contract.



It’s interesting to note, now that we’re living through The Hunger Games, that I didn’t need to hone my archery skills, just put on a really large hat to buy a third packet of fusilli. It’s rare that the incompetence of a government has been highlighted so starkly. With the whole power of the British State to call upon they can’t, over a period of several weeks, source some face masks. Somehow I know that his ends with me staring into the clear plastic workings of a faulty Dyson ventilator as it sucks my lungs out.



It would have been nice if the British had realised delivery drivers, care workers and vegetable pickers were more useful than a meeting about advertising strategy without having to dig mass graves. All those years of complaining to Yodel, and now a delivery driver skimming a quiche up your driveway is the best thing that’s ever happened.



I love how we’re supposed to believe that since his recovery Boris Johnson is watching Home Alone and not alternating between googling his own name and some kind of bleak ultra-porn set in the siege of Leningrad. A guy with upwards of six kids never having seen Home Alone also gives us a tantalising glimpse of his unique parenting style. Of course I'm glad that Boris Johnson didn’t die in hospital, but I would like to see clawed hands rise from a vent in the ground and drag his living body into Hell.



