How the Tesla Union Destroyed the World

Notes from an unspeakable future

It was just another morning at work for Elon Musk: he had, of course, spent it designing his cars, running impossibly complicated physics calculations, and personally overseeing the production line, all while fraternising with and encouraging his loyal and well-cared for employees who saw him as a benevolent father-figure. He seemed destined to lead humanity to a new era of innovation and prosperity… At least until that afternoon. Little did anyone know that on that very day, humanity would begin its downward spiral into the abyss.

Jeff came to work feeling great. He high fived Elon on the way through the door, as always.

“Hey Boss! Thanks so much for the pay last week, it really helps with raising my kids!”

“Oh it was nothing, Jeff!” Elon replied. He was on a first-name basis with every one of his employees. “I’m just so lucky to have the opportunity to create jobs for amazing, hard workers like yourself!” Elon saluted Jeff and smiled widely, then continued on to his important, hands-on work.

Jeff took his place on the production line, which was designed by Elon Musk himself. As he began assembling the axles for the incredible, visionary Tesla cars, designed for the everyman, much like the Model T of Henry Ford — a Muskesque visionary of a bygone era — Joe began thinking about how lucky he was. Here he stood, an unskilled man from a poor family, yet he was helping to build the future of humanity and contributing to our inevitable Musk-led ascension to space.

“I love my job and my life!” he said out loud. “Sure, sometimes things are tough, but at the end of the day I’ve got a loving wife and kids and secure employment, all while contributing to the genesis of the world’s greatest person.”

Suddenly, Jeff heard rustling from behind some boxes. “Kakakakaka!”

When he turned to investigate, an entity emerged. The creature seemed a cross between human and kangaroo, walking with its legs bent and arms raised to chest level, hands hanging. “Hellloooo, brother,” it said, approaching Jeff.

“Who are you sir? You can’t be back here…” he replied with concern.

The monstrosity didn’t respond. It took up a position beside Jeff, intercepted the next axle, and did everything very wrongly.

“Sir! That’s incorrect, what are you doing?”

“Brother Jeffrey, I’m your new co-worker!” it hissed.

“Oh, in that case, I’d love to help train you in the correct way to assemble an incredible, visionary, world-saving Tesla Model S,” Jeff beamed.

“Yes, yes, good.”

As he tried his best to train his new workmate, Jeff felt uneasy. This man had no idea how to properly complete an honest day’s work. He had clearly been corrupted by an easy life on government handouts.

“So, Brother Jeffrey, have you ever considered how UNFAIR this all is?” sneered the animal.

Jeff looked at him with shock. “This all what now?”

“Oh, all of this, you know? Why are you doing this crap while fat cat Elon gets to sip champagne and go home to any one of his eighteen mansions?”

“What?!” Jeff said in disbelief. “But Elon earned what he has, and I’m proud to work for him! Why are you lying? What’s your name, anyway?”

“I’m Joe, Brother Jeff.” The creature skipped around in a circle, oinking like a pig. “Have you ever thought about joining a union?”

“A union?! No, I’d never! Hell, a part of the employment contract was signing a legally-binding declaration confirming that we have never and will never join a union. They stifle productivity and innovation. If we unionised, Tesla would have to shut down, and that would be terrible for humanity!”

Joe leaned forward and licked the tip of Jeff’s nose. “Well, Jeff,” he said extremely subversively, “I’m a union member.”

“What?! How did you get through screening?!”

“Jefffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!!!” screeched the beast. “That’s not important! Hey, have you ever heard of COOOOmmunism… Comrade Jeff?”

Jeff’s mouth was agape. “Yes, I know all about the evils of communism. Are you a communist, Joe?”

“Elon Musk is bourgeois, Comrade Jeff. You are a proletarian. People like you do all the work, while he gets all the reward and throws you the scraps!” Joe said, using treasonous foreign words.

“No… That’s not true… That’s impossible!” Jeff replied.

“KAKAKAKAKAKA,” Joe cackled communistically. “Remember, Jeff, when your son had leukemia? You had to sell your house to pay for his treatment, did you not?”

“But… The insurance didn’t cover it… There was nothing Elon could do, or else he would’ve had to give everyone full coverage for their families. Then Tesla would go bankrupt!”

Joe raised one eyebrow, like Dwayne Johnson (alias ‘The Rock’), an African-American subversive known to associate with the Black Panthers, a noted Black Identity Extremist group. “They could have done it, Comrade Jeff! They chose not to. But guess what, Jeff? Under communism, everyone gets healthcare for free…”

“No!”

“You know it’s true! Here, sign here to join the union, oh and also the Communist Party.”

Jeff signed everywhere with haste. The world was lost.