AP Photos/File

This combination photo shows, top row from left, film producer Harvey Weinstein, former Amazon Studios executive Roy Price, director James Toback, New Orleans chef John Besh, middle row from left, fashion photographer Terry Richardson, New Republic contributing editor Leon Wieseltier, former NBC News political commentator Mark Halperin, former Defy Media executive Andy Signore, and bottom row from left, filmmaker Brett Ratner, actor Kevin Spacey, actor Jeremy Piven and actor Dustin Hoffman. In the weeks since the string of allegations against Weinstein first began, an ongoing domino effect has tumbled through not just Hollywood but at least a dozen other industries.

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By Lizzy Acker

Are you a man of a certain [literally any] generation, just trying to keep your job as a boss of [x amount of] people? Are you watching your peers drop like flies as accusations of sexual assault and harassment surface? Do you feel like a “witch hunt” is brewing, except the witches are doing the hunting and you might be next?

In the last month, accusation of inappropriate behavior, ranging from harassment to assault to rape, have caused men like Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the top newsroom executive at National Public Radio and the publisher of The New Republic to lose their jobs in one way or another.

You might be getting a little nervous. Multiple Oregon lawmakers have also been accused of sexual harassment. Portland's former mayor, Sam Adams, was accused of sexual harassment just last week.

We understand. It’s a hard time to be a man in power. You used to be able to say things that you can’t say anymore, like, “Hey doll face, move your sweet buns and get me a coffee.” You used to be able to smoke cigarettes in the office and take credit for your female employees ideas. And now, supposedly, you can’t do those things either!

It’s like, what can you even do? When will this politically correct culture that seems hellbent on denying you the freedom to be yourself [by taking advantage of everyone around you] quit?

Well, men, we’re here to help. Follow these 8 steps, and you too can avoid being accused of sexual harassment, potentially ending your career and forcing you to take a very large early retirement from your company [while your victims continue to suffer personally and professionally for the rest of their lives].

Disclaimer: If you have already spent years demeaning and harassing the woman and men who work for you, sorry, even following these steps won’t help. Your best bet is to quit now and ask nicely that your company hire a woman to replace you.

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Step 1: Treat women like they are human beings, not sex dolls.

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GUILLAUME SOUVANT/AFP/Getty Images

This is a hard one, but an important first step. Women are, in fact, human beings and should be treated as such. That means they have full lives outside of what they appear to you on the surface to be. That means, in a professional setting, they, like you, want to be judged on their abilities and performance, not on how much anyone wants to have sex with them.

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Step 2: Don't imagine women as your daughter, who barely speaks to you anyway. Imagine women as yourself.

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Here’s a crazy thing about ladies: They are, on a cellular level, exactly like you. And true, maybe your female employees are not sociopaths and you are certainly on that spectrum, but just think about what motivates you: You want love and respect. You want to feel safe and comfortable. You would like to be heard when you speak. You would like to be acknowledged as a human. Women also feel this way! Look them in the eye when they talk! Listen to what they are saying and respond thoughtfully, just like you would like a person to respond to you!

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Step 3: Call everyone by their names. If you don't know someone's name, ask.

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George Rede/The Oregonian

Do you like to give people cute nicknames? Nicknames are great for friend groups and motorcycle gangs but at work, they can come off as condescending -- especially when they are condescending. To avoid falling into this trap, use the special life hack of just calling people by whatever they tell you their name is.

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Step 4: Remember, your employees are being nice to you because you are their boss, not because they want to date you.

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This is a classic misconception. A woman is treating you with kindness and respect and laughing at your dumb jokes, so she must be dreaming of you shoving your tongue down her throat. Not so! She actually is compelled to treat you this way so she doesn’t get fired or thought of as “difficult.”

She already knows she’s paid less than her male counterparts, and in our culture, pay equals value. So she knows she is less valuable to the company and therefore more expendable than her male counterparts. She’s smiling because she hopes you like her enough to not ruin her life today.

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Step 5: Don't touch anyone at work. Just don't!

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We all yearn for human contact. We all do -- even women. But, unfortunately, you have lost the right to touch anyone at work because you are the boss now, and no one can really give consent to be touched by you without feeling pressured because you are their boss and, see above, you can fire them.

After a couple years of not touching anyone ever, and zero sexual harassment and learning how to productively talk about your feelings in therapy, you may advance to expert level, which will allow you to give certain employees who you know very well shoulder pats in the case of a death in the family. But just assume you are not there yet. You’ve got a lot of learning to do about the experience of being a woman. Suggested starting point: the Elena Ferrante Neapolitan novels.

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Step 6: Absolutely never attempt to have sex with someone you work with.

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If, somehow, you have read the above and are wondering, “But hey, what about sex though?” the answer is no. Please reread the previous steps. Women and men in your employ are inherently involved in an unbalanced power situation. They cannot really consent to having sex with you because you can fire them -- even if you say you wouldn’t -- if they say no. You can punish them professionally. You can make their life difficult in a million ways.

And, also? It’s very undermining to a person when their boss turns out to just want to have sex. Like, you don’t care about their skills and contributions? This whole time you just wanted to see them naked? Think about it this way: What if the board of directors that gave you your CEO position all walked into your office and were like, “Heeeeey, now it’s sex time! We gave you this job, even though you are a totally unqualified idiot, because we wanted to do sex stuff and if you don’t do it, we will fire you without severance and report your tax fraud thing to the IRS!”

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Step 7: Spend an hour today thinking about how you have undermined women.

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Christopher Furlong/Getty Images

Are you a man in power who has read this whole thing and thinks, “Phew! This is for someone else! I would never do these things!”? You’re probably wrong. You don’t have to be a Harvey Weinstein-level sexual predator to have made the women and men who work for you feel small, unimportant and even traumatized.

Reread the list. Think harder. Did you ever call a younger female employee “kiddo”? Yeah, of course you did. You don’t have to turn yourself into the authorities, but don’t do it anymore.

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Step 8: Don't just not harass people. Actively make your company a better place.

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Here’s the thing: You are in charge. You are a person who can make real, quantifiable change. Have you always wanted to do something big and important? Leave a legacy? Well, guess what? You can change the culture at your company. You can change the working conditions for your employees.

Pay women as much as men. Just do it. Stop coming up with excuses. Look at the numbers and look inside your soul and pay the men and women at your company the same amount. Be the change, man.

Hire women. Hire people of color. Look at your hiring practices and ask yourself what implicit bias created your office of all white men. Then, once you hire them, help them succeed by mentoring them like you mentor white men and giving them the same opportunities for growth. Promote them when they do well. Give them raises.

Do better with your maternity and paternity leave. Make men and women feel good about taking leave when they have babies, because this world needs parents who will raise babies into adults who will be better than we are. Put a daycare in your office. Expect people to work a sane number of hours, a legal number of hours. Don’t give preference to people that can disregard family commitments. Show that you value people’s time by allowing them to have a life outside of work.

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See, man in power, it really isn’t that hard. You too can avoid being called out for sexual harassment. All you have to do is just be a little bit better than you already are! And when all else fails, remember this simple mnemonic device: Jamie Dimon Saved our Hedge[fund] Again or, JDSHA: Just don’t sexually harass anyone!

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-- Lizzy Acker

503-221-8052

lacker@oregonian.com, @lizzzyacker

Follow @lizzzyacker

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