by Joe Starr Geekscape’s Before First Class – What If An Avengers Movie Was Made In The 80s?!?

With an announced sequel to X Men: First Class, and the rumors of a rebooted 1960’s Fantastic Four, retro Marvel is officially IN. This has led Geekscape to wonder: what if different Marvel franchises had actually been released in the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s?

Or, maybe you think it’s stupid to cast a Marvel movie in a different decade, justify the lineup, and pitch a plot. Well, that’s why we at Geekscape consider ourselves to be heroes, in a way. We waste our time doing the stupid things the world is afraid to do. Last time, we shook the 90’s to their very core with a 1994 X Men film. Time to step back a decade!

THE 80’S: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

The Pitch: After a battle to take down Ultron results in an absurd amount of collateral damage, the Avengers reluctantly agree to accept government oversight in the form of Henry Gyrich. The Vision attempts to bring stability to the world by taking control of its computer systems, but is being manipulated by Ultron! It’s the Avengers vs. a Vision-Ultron-Skynet! Will the Avengers prevail? Meanwhile, a young Wanda Maximoff is taken in by the team and falls for the android! Can Scarlet Witch use the human power of love to bring Vision to his senses? And when she does, can the song ‘Power of Love’ play? When I think Avengers, I think Huey Lewis. And his news.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

In the 80’s, there was only one man that could sling the shield. The only man that John Connor trusted enough to go back in time and bang his mom: Michael Biehn. He is the unsung action hero badass of the 80’s and also The Rock from the 90’s. I mean the movie The Rock. He wasn’t The Rock, though I can still smell what he was cooking. Come on. Picture him doing that monologue to Ed Harris from The Rock in Cap’s costume and you will get a nerd boner.

Don’t fight it. It’s natural.

IRON MAN

Avengers Assemble? AS YOU WISH. Cary Elwes would have been an awesome Tony Stark back in the day. The wit, the arrogance, and the massive amount of girls wanting to bang him. Plus, most of the Dread Pirate Robert’s lines could probably double as Stark lines, so we save on screenwriters. That way in the spin off we get to see Iron Man challenge the Mandarin to a fight to the pain.

GYRICH

I’m doing my best to justify a Henry Gyrich in every decade I cast a movie in. Charlie Chaplin will end up playing him by the end of this. But before the Dictator gets his shot, the role belongs to John Ritter. Ritter’s been killing it on Three’s Company and it’s time to show his range as a greasy, back stabbing government yes man! This could be his ‘Razor’s Edge!’

THE VISION

I wish there was a guy we could call that does robots good…

SCARLET WITCH

Mia Sara! Too young? No way. It takes a dumb teenage girl to fall deeply in love with a robot, and Mia Sara’s career has been built on poor romantic choices: first Tom Cruise in Legend, and then Ferris Bueller, a husband who no doubt will eventually look into a camera and say ‘who could be faithful on a day like this?’ Mia has a perfect wide eyed spaciness for a young woman struggling with chaos magic. Is it chaos magic? I’m really not sure at this point. THANKS BENDIS.

Besides, no one complained when two teenage boys fell in love took a shower with Lisa in Weird Science. There’s no room for your double standards in THE AVENGERS.



One more for the road.

ULTRON

Next.

BEAST

Like, Jeff Bridges, man! Change him out of the Tron suit and put some blue fur on the guy. The Beast abides, man. The Beast abides.

HAWKEYE

Something something winning something something dismissive wank. Charlie is a bad ass, and if you remember Hot Shots Part Deux (AND YOU SHOULD) you will remember that he is also dry and hilarious. He’ll also be perfect as part of our important subplot I just figured out: That Hawkeye hates young cocky scientist Hank Pym for having Janet, and is going to murder him when the hitting starts. And you know the hitting will start.

YELLOWJACKET

And when I think of hitting women, I think of Rob Lowe. A dashing scientist, inventor of size changing stuff, and a Duke Silver level saxophone player, Lowe has all the tools needed to play a sleazy piece of shit that needs some redemption. Literally, my favorite person for this role.

I CAN’T DEAL WITH INVENTING ULTRON! JUST LET ME ROCK THE PAIN AWAY!

THE WASP

Janet needs to be someone you really, really want to bang and really, really hate Hank Pym for being able to bang. I’m going with Demi Moore to keep the Brat Pack repping in this summer blockbuster. And it’s not so much that Demi would be an awesome person to hit, but she could sell a backhand super good. Just thinking about it makes me want to kill Rob Lowe.

WONDER MAN

My understanding of Wonder Man isn’t the best, but based on the pre Secret Invasion Mighty Avengers, he’s a smug hacky actor turned super hero and I think he should be Kurt Russell. Please refer yourself to Jack Burton. Clean yourself up, and then see him in Sky High. And then clean yourself up. What? That Scott Pilgrim chick was in it.

DIRECTOR

Every movie needs a director (Except for the three Transformers films and anything I shoot of myself crying). The insane amount of androids and evil AI points to Ridley Scott for this thing. He’s the obvious choice for this epic, and while my heart says John Carpenter, my mind is keeping it Ridley.

Next time: It’s Warren Ellis’ Thunderbolts… 70’s grindhouse style!