Meeting Drizzt do’ Urden

Interview quen #4 at the Driftwood Tavern with Drizzt do‘ Urden – I was wandering the streets of Protector’s Enclave (in Neverwinter) for what seemed like forever. I had been there before, once, when I was trying out as a level one Human Rogue with my random companions, a Half Orc Greatsword Fighter and a Tiefling Healer, but still, Protector’s Enclave was like a maze. Never in my life had I seen so many people, beasts, familiars and races. It was insane and erratic to walk around in such a place. But finally, after much searching, there it was: Driftwood Tavern, the finest drinking establishment in Protector’s Enclave. There I met the famed Drizzt do’Urden, the infamous Drow Ranger. He was sitting at a table in the corner; it was hard not to recognize him.

Daclaud Lee: So you’re Drizzt do’ Urden I presume? A pleasure to meet you! My name is Daclaud.

Drizzt do’ Urden: Likewise. Here, have some Fireseed! It’s a Dwarven import! So what may I ask is this interview for?

DL: Thank you Drizzt. The interview is for a website called Random interviews and we interview random people.

DDU: I would hardly say I’m “random” and that’s certainly “unusual” if I might add… But I don’t believe I ever done an interview before, so I’m actually quite enthusiastic about it.

DL: Well that’s great. First question(s): what’s it like to be a Drow? And do you ever miss the Underdark?

DDU: I don’t know… what’s it like to be Chinese?

DL: Um… well… I guess we get a +1 to Int or +1 to Dex and -1 to Str or -1 Chr (our choice). If we go the +1 Int/-1 Str route we make decent Mages (those are the booksmart Chinese). We can also take the +1 Dex and -1 Chr and be better warrior or rogue (the quiet Chinese in the corner, lacking in the social skills but you don’t lose the Str bonus). Or you can go +1 Dex / -1 Str (I guess this would make you one of those skinny Asian dudes who are fast as hell, but not that strong) or you could go +1 Int / -1 Chr for the ” chaotic evil total nerd scholar wizard, Virginia tech shooter” type of character. I guess we can take virtually any class but are more suited towards wizard, fighter or rogue.

DDU: Okay, fair enough…. At least you guys have some options… You know, being a Drow isn’t exactly easy. I mean most other races hate our guts and would attack us on sight if not for the recent diversification of the Forgotten Realms world (back in the day, the Drow was not a playable race). When surface dwellers see a dark elf, they are usually hesitant to speak with us. There are times when my eyes fail to adjust to the natural sunlight and I get minor headaches from every now and then, but even so, I hardly miss that wretched place known as the Underdark…

DL: Why do you think other races hate the Drow so much?

DDU: Well, the Drow aren’t exactly known for being the most pleasant of races. Most of my people live underground, they’re mostly xenophobic, they are mostly chaotic evil, they have a thing for spiders, and even worship one in particular called Lolth. Oh and shall I also mention that they like to keep slaves… Slavery might have been abolished in certain parts of the human world, but that’s not the case in the Underdark, so suppose that’s another reason why the Drow are hated so much. I mean no one wants to be a slave, especially not to a subterranean race of dark elves and their spider queen.

DL: Spiders… *shivers* No offense, but I hate spiders, which is why I spray the crap out of my house with Orkin, Raid and Bayer (in rotation) every three months. I make sure my house is spider (and insect) free.

DDU: None taken… I don’t mind spiders so much, as Spider’s silk is actually great for augmenting chain mail armor, which is not only comfortable, but it’s also saved my ass throughout the years.

DL: How do you feel about the Drow waitress who just got stiffed by some douche bag humans?

DDU: Personally I think she should quit waiting tables… That’s just me, but I don’t think any self respecting Drow should take that kind of discrimination. She should quit the tavern industry and become an adventurer or at least try working in a call center, where they can’t tell she’s a Drow. It’s not as if we have a distinguished Drow accents or anything or the sort.

Above: This is the receipt that went Viral. Apparently a Drow waitress was stiffed by racist Human patrons a tavern in Baldur’s Gate.

DL: No, you guys (Drow) just sound like Medieval British people to me. So do you think you could take Conan the Barbarian in a fight?

DDU: Certainly. I’m Drizzt do Urden! I have Twinkle and Icing Death! But even if I did not possess these two blades (scimitars), I would have no trouble beating him. Come to think of it, you could probably beat Conan the Barbarian too!

DL: How? He’s a Barbarian and I’m barely even a Rogue.

DDU: See these gloves?

DL: Yeah, they look like leather gloves with studs on them.

DDU: Not quite… these are gloves of Storm Giant strength. I picked them up on one of my travels. They will give you an edge against the Conan the Barbarian; just don’t hit him too hard. (laughs)

Above: Amazing… Could you believe that a simple pair of leather gloves could give a man a Strength of 25? I couldn’t but here’s proof! – Daclaud Lee

DL: What about Superman? Think you can you take him?

DDU: It’s best we don’t go there… So I’ll politely decline to answer that question. But all I can is this, if Twinkle here happened to be coated with a Kryptonite enchantment by Dwarf blade smith… well then, I suppose you could use your imagination on that one! Batman on the other hand, I could defeat with one arm tied behind my back. Even with all those fancy gadgets he has, I still have mine (not to mention my racial Drow abilities)…

DL: What if he (Batman) brings Robin with him to the fight? Who would you bring?

DDU: Regis the Halfling! (laughs) Yes, I’m that confident that I can will win without Guenhwyvar, Bruenner Battlehammer, Cattie-brie or even Wulfgar (speaking of barbarians).

DL: What about Legolas? Do you think you can take him?

DDU: *snickers* He may have the advantage of ranged combat, but I heard that sorry excuse for a Wood Elf missed when he took a swing at Justin Bieber. What do you think? Can Twinkle destroy this Little Star?



Above: Legolas takes a swing at Justin Bieber…and misses!

DL: I’m supposed to be non-biased about this. But I’ll have to agree with you on that one! (both laugh)

DL: Last question: what is your stance on increasing minimum wage? Yay or Nay?

DDU: I think they should raise it and keep the people happy! There are far too many slavers roaming the Forgotten Realms, from Neverwinter to Baldur’s Gate to even Kara Tur! Raising the minimum wage would make a difference and allow all races to make a fair and livable income!

DL: Thank you Drizzt do’ Urden. The next round of Fireseed is on me.