TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life. “Fuck yeah, this is awesome!” said Caramanica, who had spent nine years sober but now joyfully drank directly from two bottles of wine in what was easily the pinnacle of his 34-year existence. “Now that’s what I’m talking about! I can’t believe I waited this long to fall off the fucking wagon!” Although Caramanica was at press time trapped beneath his upside-down car, he reportedly had zero regrets about the amazing time he had this past week.

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