Are you ever unable to sleep because you’re wondering which sexual positions will land you in hell, where you will be tortured by demons who will cut you, “in the most painful places”? Well, you’re in luck! A UK pastor has released a video explaining, in great detail, the various behaviors that will get you banned from heaven. And his source is pretty good… infallible, I would say in fact: god! So, you’re gonna want to pay attention.

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The video, which is called, “Warning to Married Christian Couples from the Lord Jesus Christ,” is the creation of the Nigerian Pastor Olugbenga Oladejo, who founded the Complete in Christ Church (CICC), an “end-time” church which teaches “sinners to repent and children of God to be ready like the wise virgins,” located in Peterborough, England.

Like all pastors who produce 15-minute videos detailing different kinds of sexual positions, Oladejo is very reluctant to talk about sex. But, as he explains, he had no choice. He’s just doing his job. And when god is your boss, you really don’t want to phone it in. “One day,” the pastor was visited by the lord who asked him to “save the souls of his children who are on their way to hell and are not aware of it.” During what most of us would call a dream, or a nightmare, but which Oladejo claims is a “revelation,” god visited the sleeping pastor and projected some scenes of sinning and punishment onto a “judgment screen.” Think of the judgement screen as a movie theater screen which shows scenes of hell instead of full length movies. Oh, and which is staffed by angels, instead of ushers.

Before listing the actual sexual sins, Let’s review what it is that Oladejo witnessed, saw, and learned, so that we can more effectively heed god’s warning!

THE REVELATION!

Torture, whipping, moaning of the animal: “the first thing I noticed was torture, whipping… and serious moaning. You’ve never heard this kind of moaning before… it was of the animal.”

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Demons cutting people’s ‘most painful parts’… on a big bench: “So then I saw a big bench… And I saw demons, creatures of darkness, they take pleasure in cutting human flesh… they will start with the most painful parts…” And as if that’s not bad enough, “when they finish cutting it, the soul would come back together again. They would start all over again.” I didn’t know reincarnation was part of Christianity, but what do I know?

A department of hell for masturbating Christians: Channeling Jerry “What’s the deal?” Seinfeld, Oladejo “told the angel, ‘what is going on here? What is happening here?’ ” That’s when the angel leveled with the pastor, explaining this was “a department of hell…. This department is for the children of god. Married couples who masturbates and who perform immorality on their beds.”” If this is what they do to married Christian couples, I don’t even want to think of what happens to unmarried couples or non-Christians. But it can’t be pretty.

God’s children sinning on the matrimonial bed:

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The lord told me, he said, “look, when I asked my children to get married… on their matrimonial bed, they commit a lot of immorality.” He said I should tell them that they are not going to heaven. There is an everlasting covenant. Those who break that everlasting covenant are not going to make it into heaven.

THE WARNINGS!

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It’s at this point, post “judgement screen” montage, explains the pastor, that god “starts to list to me things that will send people to that department [of hell.]” OK. Is everyone listening now?

1.Practicing woman on top (BAD):

Number one. Couples who practice the woman on top… I want to repeat this, because this is the warning he gave me….When you are with your wife, the lord has made man to be the head. Not the woman. So those men who enjoy their wife coming on top of them in the matrimonial bed, the lord says they are not coming to heaven at all...

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2. Practicing like a dog (BAD): Number two. The lord told me about those who practice like a dog. The lord did not to create you to behave like a dog on your matrimonial bed. Or like a cow. Or like a chicken.”

3. Practicing bondage or different ‘styles’ (BAD): “If you are practicing hanging with your wife [bondage], you are inventing different styles… Don’t go and be hanging your wife. Don’t go and be hanging your husband. Do not try different styles: they do sex in different styles that are contrary to god.”

4. Masturbating (BAD): “Those who masturbate. That department [of hell] is for them. Those who give lustful pleasure to the flesh. Women who masturbate. Men who masturbate… The demons will come to them.” And while the masturbator “soul will cry,” the demons “will be laughing. And they will be happy.”

5. Having the man lie on top of the woman (OK): “The man should lie on top of the woman. The natural style, the one way god has given us as man and wife.”

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I only wish this video had gone viral before Valentine’s Day. It probably could have saved a lot of married Christian couples from eternal damnation and demonic private parts-hacking.