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It’s been a rough few years for X-Men fans, but our beloved mutants are BACK, BABY! I eagerly picked up Jonathan Hickman’s relaunch books, House of X and Powers of X, hungry for a return to X-glory. Instead, I was greeted with nonlinear storytelling, made-up languages, text-based world-building—a lot of stuff, frankly, that goes over my head. So I have a simple request: Can someone smarter please explain Powers of X to me?

Like, some of it is in the future? Or several alternate futures? From Moira MacTaggert’s past? I really am lost, sorry. I usually follow comics pretty well—even ones by Grant Morrison! Wonder Woman kissing a tiny tray of babies that represent “The Potentiality of Mankind,” then putting them into an oven labelled “REALITY?” Cool. At least in that case, I’m sure who’s what and where they’re at.

In these Hickman books, boy, you don’t know who’s alive, dead, a clone, or from a past that must have been yet must also never be. Every issue feels like a riddle. I just wanna see Storm be a rad goddess and Cyclops be a lame boyfriend, man! But no, half these books are word puzzles and the other half are disjointed dreamy vignettes that would totally make Wolverine roll his eyes.

Regular middle-aged Wolverine, I mean. Not Old Man Logan Wolverine. Who’s now Dead Man Logan Wolverine, although he’s alive. And not the clone-surrected Regular Middle-Aged Wolverine, either, with hot claws. Nor the Alt-Wolverine who hunted a metaphor-demon across time and fathered a future-daughter despite undoing that past. Are you following? Because I’m not.

Desperately, I asked reddit for help. Huge mistake. I’m more confused than ever. They said Professor X is secretly evil? Specifically, evil Reed Richards? From the Ultimate Universe? Which is dead? But, Evil Ulti-Reed is in the Absolute Carnage thing, so he can’t be Professor X? Wow. When I was a kid, Professor X sat in a floaty yellow wheelchair. He thought-said things like “TO ME, MY X-MEN,” and gave Cyclops lessons on the futility of hatred. Now he might be an evil shapeshifter, and Cyclops is a clone, or a memory, or something? Ugh.

Speaking of clones, those resurrections from House of X are hurting my brain, bad. If someone dies, and you make a mere copy, that’s not real resurrection, right? Although, I guess, if it looks like them, acts like them, has their memories, what’s the real difference? Maybe?

Oh … wait, are these the kinds of questions Hickman wants us to think about? Maybe I do get it! Hey, I’m smart after all! Phew, what a relief. Okay, time to go on Twitter and demand Marvel stay out of politics! Byeeee!

Images: Pixabay, Marvel Comics.

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