Download the MP3 | Watch the Video

The greatest bonus episode in history fall out, the magical experience of being a best man with another man, a guy who got leg lengthening surgery calls in, illegal lotteries and the christian caliphate, Waut3rGate3: Cuck With a Vengeance, cancer kills your bank account, Crippled Jesus crashes a domestic violence seminar, eating three breakfasts while camping, men and women: frenemies with no benefits, literal kid prisons for an accidental suicide victim, Sean’s advice for NEETs, and Asterios gets a settlement offer from Maddox; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Bonus Episode 30 – Dick on Spreading Hips is up, and without hesitation, I can say it is one of the funniest two hours of audio every recorded–some people are saying the funniest! Coach, Peach Saliva, Dame Pesos, and even Madcucks call in to read and dissect and scream with laughter over Dr. Nurse’s recently released Gossier, a series of conversations between her and Maddox that took place over months and detail the delusions, paranoia, vindictiveness, and awkward sexual perversions–that might not make any sense–of an internet has been and gigantic prick. If you’re not a Patreoni of The Dick Show, spread your hips, hide your garbages, and resign yourself to this “bigger, stronger” bonus episode, out now!

But first…

Winning the lottery is a thought experiment we play with each other every year in which we fantasize about the implied, effective murders of everyone we know and love. And at $2 a turn, it’s a hell of a deal!

“If I won the lottery, I’d buy an island or move to another country and retire.” And I’d never see any of you again.

“If I won the lottery, I’d become a philanthropist and make a change in the world.” And I’d meet a bunch of celebrities and jet setters, and I’d never see any of you again.

“If I won the lottery, I’d buy everyone I know a big house.” With faulty wiring and locks that only worked from the outside, and I’d never see any of you again.

The murders are implied.

It’s such an addictive fantasy, we can’t be trusted to play it on our own. Just like it’s illegal for a girl to touch your dick in exchange for dinner or to smoke the dried leaves of a crystal meth plant that grows naturally out of the ground on your own property, it’s illegal for me to sell you this fantasy. And thank God for that–literally. It’s the remnants of a very much alive Christian Caliphate; the modernized hijabs of tops and pasties, the anti-pleasure of enforced moderation, the god of Industry vs. the god of Advertising; and it might only annoy me, but it does annoy me.

If I had a nickel for every meme extolling the virtue of freedom and autonomy for every revocation of choice we’ve imposed on ourselves by ourselves, I wouldn’t need to win the lottery. I’d be rich in money, and I’d be rich in choice, and I’d use both to escape from both.

If I won the lottery, I would make lotteries legal. And a lot of other things. The murders are implied.

waut3rboi also calls in to release his entire chat history with Maddox: The Final Cuckening. I’ve read through most of them, and I don’t know what to do. Each line is so dense with comedy, and insight, and manipulation, that they can’t possibly be summarized or skipped over. I don’t know what I’m going to do with them yet. I think I might read through the entire treasure trove similarly to bonus episode 30 and then dump everything at once like a spastic House of Cards, if Kevin Spacey was played by an even bigger creep. If you’ve got any suggestions for the dump, which comprises of 23 files and hundreds of lines of insanity, let me know.

Waut3rboi’s Halloween TDS remix



“Briefcase Poppers” by Ethan Cantrell



“Lawsuit and Other Shit” by Appallingly Appealing.



Dick Pics



A spooky thumbnail that you can’t beat off to just once by Clay Burton.

Comments

comments