“If you’re looking for an ex bashing post, this isn’t it.”

I’d be that person sitting in the hot seat on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire using the “phone a friend” option when I cant answer a simple math related question. Here’s the plot-twist… instead of answering my question, my pal would call me out on national television as to why I didn’t show up to ladies wine night for the umpteenth time. (As I’m writing this I figure this scenario can’t be plausible because I’d have to sit 7 feet away from a total stranger drilling me with questions)

Don’t get me wrong here, I love my friends and they help my world turn. There’s just a piece of my brain that instantly shrinks to a speck every time my phone rings because I know I will have to change out of my sweatpants and mask my social anxiety once again. Heck, I even squirm at the thought of NOT using a self-checkout at my local grocery store.

There must be a problem with me right?

Had you of asked me three months ago, my eyes would have hit the floor.

“N-no, I just like being alone sometimes.” I’d probably stammer out.

Go ahead ask me now if I have a problem…

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!

Let me break this new found self awareness down for you – Fresh Prince style.

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turn upside down, and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how… I got broken up with and became the queen over my own social anxiety.

My fellow females know how us ladies roll when it comes to getting in a new relationship. Most times we ghost our friends harder than the pitiful gents we swipe right on. The initial few months of a new healthy relationship is full of rainbows and a cotton candy plastered view of reality. All too often we leave our friends like the rejected sugar crystals in the steel bowl we emerged from.

It’s even more of a breeze when it takes everything you have inside you to drag yourself out of your comfort zone (AKA your apartment)

For me, it’s hard enough thrusting myself in a first date situation let alone sharing copious amounts of time afterwards with someone who’s not my own reflection. But for whatever reason I had no problem doing so with my last ex. More on that later… but without delving into unnecessary personal details about my year long, happy relationship, I’ll give you the Cole’s Notes version.

Boy meets girl

Girl likes boy

Lah-dee-dah… it’s reciprocated.

Girl and Boy date.

Girl and boy move in together.

Girl gets laid off in a month from her job.

Boy gets cold feet during that same month.

Boy and girl break up.

Girl is left looking for a new place to live.

Girl also tries to navigate herself back into the arms of her friends.

Friends take her in even though she spent the last year being scarce. (The real MVP’s)

If I could underline and highlight the point where I was getting laid off I would. See, if the prospect of finding a new job isn’t already cold sweat inducing to a socially anxious person, I mean… what is? Finding a new roommate? Pondering the idea of dating again? Admitting to your friends that you have sucked at being a friend for a year? I never knew the words “We’re breaking up” would cause so many sleepless nights of worst case scenarios and “What ifs”.

Allow me to hit the backspace a few more times. Let’s cut to why I was in that situation in the first place. All my life I have moved from city to city, even across the country a few times. It’s really hard having a parent whose job takes you all over the map. I never really had the classic close girl group of friends that Hollywood pushes so damn hard. It got especially problematic when I endured a big move to a small town in 10th Grade. At 15 years old you are ultimately worried about what people think and trying to figure out who you really are as a person. It may not come as a surprise that every single student in Grade 10 already had a solid pack of cohorts. It took me many months of trying to mould myself to be someone I wasn’t to fit in to various circles to no avail.

Was I a drug smoker? Well, no.

Was I a girly girl? Like, totally not.

Was I great at sports? Laughable.

Was I a good fit with the smart kids? Ask my math teacher.

Ultimately I chummed up with two perfectly normal girls who were already best friends but were more than willing to make me their third wheel. Now… I am thankful for their friendship during the rest of my high school blunder years, but sometimes it was hard coming into that dynamic mid-way into their friendship. There were many times when I would feel left out or not worthy enough to join in on their best friend hangouts.

Post high school after the grad cap was tossed, my family moved away, and I set out again to find out who I was and who’s crew I fit into. I had a few jobs here and there and met a few people to chat with over my lunch breaks but alas, nobody screamed from a mountain…

“Hey Emma, let’s be best friends”

Unbeknownst to me, I had subconsciously reduced myself to the idea that nobody must really enjoy my company and that I’d be forever-friend-alone.

When it comes to romantic relationships that I somehow get myself into, I find myself – OK, ill admit it. – Pretty clingy once I get passed the uncertainty stage. It’s not that I’m afraid of breaking up, or the fact that I’m afraid they are cheating on me every time they leave the house with friends. It’s simply the fact that I’ve finally found someone to give me a label that lumps me into the realm of being something special to someone… And I’ll be damned if I can’t wear that bestowed crown 100% of the time. Call that an unhealthy take on dating if you wish, because I sure do (I’m working on it)… But understand that it gives me a feeling that I have craved ever since I was old enough to stop having “Mommy And Me” playdates. That, and once you pass the naive years of telling someone you’re best friends instead of letting it happen naturally. (Hello grade 1)

In light of my last break up (and the subsequent events) it’s really put my stance on how I view human interaction in a cold narrowing perspective. I turned a full 180 and really looked hard as to why I am how I am, why I acted how I acted, and why I do what I do… Not just with romantic relationships, but to my friends as well. When you’re pushed out of your boundaries like I was in that month, it’s unnerving how much dirt you can dig up on yourself. I just found myself wondering if its worth it anymore… piling the dirt on top of myself constantly buckling under the pressure or chucking it back on the ground to grow flowers from it… Or lemon trees… or whatever.

I believe a lot of the effects of anxiety truly manifest themselves when you cant admit to yourself you have a problem. They’ll say “mind over matter”, and I’d be hard-pressed to tell you they are wrong. If it means writing lines to yourself in a scrappy old notebook…

“I have social anxiety, and I do not want to have social anxiety”

Then do it.

If it means seeking out professional help.

Then please do it.

If it means packing up literally everything you own in your four-door Chevrolet Cruze and moving across a few provinces to hurl yourself in a new scary situation?

Then do it. Do it. Do it!

That’s what I did.

It took that break up to finally see myself for who I am in retrospect. Socially Anxious.

And how was I going to master my own problems?

A new job, new friends, new surroundings, new home, new local Starbucks… No more familiar cushions to fall back on. No more halting myself from facing my anxieties head on. It’s now or never, you have nothing left to lose… because what you thought you had is 2,000 some odd miles away.

It’s not easy. I’ve been here for just over two months and,

Every. Single. Day.

I question my intentions on coming here. I’ve learned to reward myself on small wins daily. Whether that be a Blonde Vanilla Latte, for leaving my place showered, and dressed properly. Or treating myself to some Netflix and popcorn on the couch in my sweatpants for talking to a stranger at the Laundromat. All things in moderation, and yes that also includes your social anxiety coping mechanisms. Because I may have straightened myself out a lot- But I cant keep myself on the “perfect pedestal“.

I’m still a long ways away from being a social butterfly, by any means. But I’m here. I’m ready. And I’m open to my surroundings.

One thing’s for certain. I have faced what has crippled me in the past. I’m working on it. I’m taking steps to alleviate the symptoms. And I’m better now than I’ve ever been for it.

So here’s to you

My Ex: Thank you for being straight with me. I could never imagine it was easy going through with the break up. Like you said, there’s never a good time to do it. Thank you for always pushing me to be better and supporting me when I told you this crazy idea of me moving across the country. You witnessed a lot of my social anxiety in it’s rawest form and never once did you make me feel horrible about it. You’ll never truly know how much our break up has made me into a deeply happier person with myself in the end.

My Friends From High School: You guys were amazing throughout the most awkward years of my life. I have so many great memories of us, and I’m grateful you guys let me be a part of your crew. I was probably just being childish and anxious any time I felt like I didn’t fit into a certain dynamic. I’m glad some of you and I recently connected, even though I live so far away now. Bless you!

My Past Co-Workers: Those lunch time conversations have been real, yo. I hope you’re making sick cash flow now.

My Friends Who Were There For Me After My Break-Up Even Though I Was Scarce For A While: Like I said, you guys are the real MVP’s. You of all people have witnessed my social anxiety at its ugliest, and yet you still proudly call yourselves my friends. I love you in so many ways, and I will think twice next time about having a one track mind when I get myself in a relationship. We may live provinces away but I have your backs no matter what. Let’s meet up for wine and girl chats when I can get my ass back out there to visit again! I promise I’ll show up.

The People I Have Yet To Meet: Hi my name is Emma. So how about that weather? Eh?

Thanks for reading,

Emma ❤