Why vegans are so fucking annoying

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Vegans are all the same. They love animals more than people, and that means hanging out with them is never fun. So while I have a vegan communities audience, allow me explain why I find vegans so annoying. And please, use this guide as a tool for things you can’t do if you want to be considered a cool vegan.

They talk about animal cruelty and death all the time

No one wants to see what happens on farms and in slaughterhouses. We already know what happens- don’t put us off our lunch. I don’t feel guilty, I just don’t want to see it.

They turn down free food

They’d rather waste non-vegan food then eat it. One vegan said no when I offered them Cheetos once, who does that?

They make it seem like you’re not an animal lover

Even though I can’t decide if I’m a cat or dog person, I’m obviously an animal lover. I visit the zoo whenever I can, and I bought a animal calendar from the Humane Society. I just don’t love chickens.

They think nutritional yeast is cool, and vegan cheese is good

Why do they always push their weird foods on non-vegans? We all know they taste like feet, give up.

They make you watch scary documentaries and read books

Once you’ve seen one movie, you’ve seen them all. Blah blah blah end of the world bullshit. Not buying into that propaganda. And I’m definitely not wasting time on fiction, either.

They judge you

They’re always telling non-vegans what’s wrong with them. This lifestyle is good enough for Leonardo DiCaprio, so it’s good enough for me.

They tell everyone they’re vegan all the time

We know- do you want a medal? Should we give prizes to everyone who had broccoli for dinner?

They think vegetarians aren’t good enough/you’re not doing enough

I have cut back on meat so much, okay. It’s what works for me because I don’t like soy, so don’t pretend I’m that I’m so awful. I’m super cruelty free.

They act like non-vegans are uneducated

I know what the world health organization said about processed meat and I believe in climate change. I’m not an idiot, it’s just my choice to be non-vegan.

They are so pretentious/narcissistic/self righteous

They think that just because they don’t contribute to the slaughter of piglets on the daily, they’re saints. Don’t you know faux leather is bad for the environment, too?

They think they’re the only ethical people

All of my meat is humane, and I would never eat eggs from chickens that weren’t given at least three inches of space for chilling. Don’t pretend being ethical has anything to do with helping others.

They’re constantly talking about baby cows

It doesn’t matter if I have a splash of cream in my coffee because I never eat veal. And no, I’m not a baby cow, but I’m a powerful human who thinks it cool to steal milk. Deal with it.

They force you to go to their favourite restaurant every time

We all have THAT vegan friend. Your restaurant’s smell like kale and sadness, no thanks. Plus, I’ll just get hungry af in like an hour.

They fill your fb page with animals

Your profile and banner are bad enough, stop reposting every set of paws you could across. Do you even like humans?

They spout facts and statistics all the time

And none of them carry around their sources. It’s irresponsible. It’s total propaganda. Online, it’s totally made up, too. Everyone knows fossil fuels are the problem.

They don’t like being asked questions about nutrition

Why did you go vegan if you didn’t want to talk about vegetables? Everyone knows vegans are the healthiest, so I expect you to back that up when I ask you where you get your protein.

They don’t laugh at vegan jokes

Literally no sense of humor. Didn’t you hear what I said- meat is murder, tasty murder. Bahahahahahaha! Don’t they realize vegan jokes are way funnier the 100th time?!

They tell you being vegan is the only way to save animals

Ricky Gervais taught me that you can love animals and still eat them, as long as you’re not a hunter. Animals wouldn’t be born if we didn’t raise them, so who is the real animal lover now?

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If you’re vegan, chances are you’ve encountered four or more of these vegan put-downs, and that’s just today. The misconceptions about how vegans feel about non-vegans and what our end goals are mean that ignorance and the bullying it can breed is far from uncommon. What’s important to remember is that veganism is about the animals, and that anyone who tries to divert attention to themselves (or to our journeys) isn’t understanding our position. Although living non-violently means having to let these comments roll off of our shoulders fairly often, giving into them would mean letting what happens to animals go unnoticed instead. Proudly share your veganism, eat your Gary cheese, recommend documentaries, and don’t let people say that being critical of the system of exploitation makes you stuck up, judgmental, or annoying. Advocate for animals, advocate for nonviolence, and advocate that all vegans are as different as all non-vegans.