‘What do we say to the God of Death?’ Nothing – just offer him some cheese!

A big dzięki to our friends in Poland: namely Professor Maciej Banach of the University of Łódź. For Banach and his plucky team of researchers have just completed a thrilling meta-analysis of 29 cohort studies that confirm what we’ve always chosen to believe: cheese can help you not die.

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Thus spake the scientists: ‘cheese and yogurt were found to protect against both total mortality — death from any cause — and mortality from cerebrovascular causes.’

Verily, cheese is the shield that can protect us against the slings and arrows of modern life, including stroke and heart attack, according to the European Society of Cardiology, which presented the research.

Studying over 20,000 adults over 11 years, consumption of cheese was associated with an 8% lower total mortality risk. Not bad, cheese, not bad at all.

So frolic in the traffic, run with scissors, play with matches: defy death and all his minions by simply slathering yourself with melted cheese. (Don’t drink too much milk though, as that was found to have the opposite effect. Mystifying, innit.)

Alternatively, try The Cheese Bar in Camden, TraTra’s bottomless cheese and charcuterie board, Pop Brixton‘s raclette bar Alpes or the Orrery’s splendid cheese trolley.

In other good news, hot baths might be as good for you as exercise.

Also published on Medium.