Chapter 4: Red Joker

"That should be about done!" the engineer poked his head out of the two-piece driver's hatch of the Valiant. He pushed up the welder's mask he was wearing revealing a face pouring with sweat. He slung his arms over the hull and slouched against it, one hand gripping a welding torch. "I'll tell ya something, I never thought I'd get used to doing engineering inside a tank."

"But it turns out you did?" asked Keiko, one of the four girls patiently waiting - actually it was just her that was being patient - for the Valiant's mods to be finished.

"Are you kidding? Hell no! I could never get used to it but at least it was a change of pace compared to the usual line of work. But this hunk of junk's a Valiant! I'm pretty sure I gashed my leg on a flat surface! That job was hell!"

"But all the mods are done, right?" Aika asked, fists and teeth clenched, bouncing up and down at the heels.

"Oh yeah," the engineer said, "All the sharp edges have had foam bolted to them, so there shouldn't be any horrific injuries caused by those."

"I dunno," Aika tutted, "I kind of liked the idea of being inside a mechanical monster that would bite you if you weren't crewing it right. It almost seemed like a Saw experiment."

"Well, Friedrich demanded those we filed down," said Keiko, pushing up her glasses.

"Looks like you'll have to get your kicks from elsewhere, Aika," said Chiyo with a nudge.

Aika snapped her fingers with a "dammit."

Aika was the commander of this unfortunate crew. She was picked because of her age. Despite being a first year like the others, she was 18 because of being held back twice. She had brown eyes and short black hair tied back in a ponytail at a fairly high angle, so the hair poked up above her head before falling down.

She was known to be a bit of an extremist with her intentions and ways of thinking. Heck, she was genuinely excited over the idea of being inside the Valiant with all of its sharp edges, because it would've added an extra element of suspense to any matches they partook in.

One could tell of Aika's rather insane nature just by talking to her. It was the eyes. They were always open to their fullest, like she didn't have any eyelids; it was a rarity to see her blink. When Aika looked at you, it was like she was staring through you. And her gaze had one of two states, either constantly darting or completely fixed, like a predator. The shark smile complimented her eyes beautifully.

"So yeah, edges are safe," the engineer started counting on his fingers, "The pedals have had hinges added to them. So if your foot heel ever gets caught underneath it, they won't have to chop your leg off."

"Was that actually an issue with the Valiant?" asked Keiko.

"Hoho yes!" the guy nodded. "There's a gap between the pedal and the wall of the tank, so if you push down with your foot and slide it off, the pedal will retract and trap your heel underneath it. The only way to get it out was to either take the whole tank - or the driver's leg - apart!"

"What about the weight of the levers?" asked Chiyo. "Has that been fixed?"

The engineer sucked through his teeth. "I'm afraid not. The League said that they were willing to allow changes to be made to the tank that ensured the health and safety of the crew without affecting performance for the better. One of the handicaps of the Valiant - one of the many, granted - are the heavy levers. They are part of the design, so we can't change them."

"Seriously?" Chiyo asked. "We're not soldiers though! Look at me! The first driver to ever test it was exhausted after driving it in a straight line! How am I supposed to be effective with it."

"Last I checked, that wasn't my problem," the guy said and the girls looked like they had just been slapped in the face. "I just got told to pad out the sharp edges and add hinges to the pedals."

"Wait, that's all you got told to do?" Chiyo asked. "So you haven't increased the pedal height?"

"No, that's staying the way it is."

"Look at us!" she fanned a hand out to the others. "We're only four feet tall! I can't reach the pedals! How am I supposed to drive the damn thing?"

"I don't know! Stack some books on it or something!"

"Humph. I wasn't reading them anyway," Chiyo said to herself as she placed the last schoolbook on the pile on the pedals.

Chiyo was chosen to drive the Valiant simply because everyone else had been given the other positions. She had argued that Ume, the loader, could've taken up driving because of her remarkable strength, but Aika insisted that she wanted reload speed over a more comfortable ride.

Chiyo could be easily spotted by her short height, much like everyone in the Valiant crew, but with a marvel head of black hair to go with it. Chiyo had taken special care all her life to grow out her hair. It was waist length, but had two tails that reached down to just above her ankles.

"I mean, why even bother making changes to the pedals if I can't even reach them in the first place, dumbass!" she shouted at the empty compartment.

Chiyo wasn't exactly in the best of moods.

She sat in the driver's seat to test out her new ride.

"I still can't reach them?!" she hollered. "For f-"

"Hey, Chiyo!"

Chiyo looked up at to see Ume peering in through the driver's hatch with her ever present smile.

Ume was a strange muscle mass of a girl. Just going by appearances, there didn't seem to be anything special about her, but her arms were rippling with muscle. She claimed that that was "real muscle", as "losers" who didn't rep properly bulked out without gaining any more strength. It was basically one of Ume's commandments that five reps of something extremely heavy was far more effective than twenty reps of something lighter.

However the second commandment was "it is never leg day", and so Ume was completely useless at actually carrying anything heavy on her back for too far, nor could she kick a ball. But it didn't matter, so long as she could easily win any arm wrestling contest with all those "fake muscle-builders who can't wipe their asses".

Ume had shoulder length, naturally spiky blonde hair with dark eyes. And due to her rather tomboyish nature and flat chest, this often led Chiyo to calling her...

"Oh, hey dude," Chiyo welcomed her.

Ume's eyes narrowed.

"What's up?" Chiyo asked.

"Keiko told me to get these for you," Ume held up a pair of geta - wooden sandals with an elevated base held up by wooden "teeth" - and Chiyo noticed they were particularly tall ones, probably around six inches.

"She did?"

"Yes, I did," said Keiko, slipping into the commander's cupola and ducking down to peer through the tank.

Keiko was chosen as the gunner because she demanded to be. Aika had actually wanted to be the gunner first because of the power behind it, but Keiko argued that since the gun was arguably the most important and effective feature of the tank, it should perhaps be equipped by somebody that could actually keep their nerve. She was the most sensible person in the group. She was certainly more mature than Aika.

She had nape length copper hair, teal eyes and a pair of glasses to go with them. When she spoke, she did it slowly. Some believed it was because she patronisingly looked down on everyone else, others because she was always thinking carefully about what she was saying.

And she was never seen without a notebook. She was always taking notes, but nobody could every figure out what for. Notes on the most trivial of things.

"I knew that just a stack of books wasn't going to be enough to allow you to reach the pedals, at least not with any margin of comfort or bends in the knees to push them very far. So I inquired with Ume as to if she could provide you with a pair of sandals."

"Catch!" said Ume and dropped the sandals into the hatch. Chiyo raised her hands more as a shielding defence than an attempt to catch them.

She slid them on, and...

"I can reach!"

"Finally!' said Ume, standing up and making her way over to the loader's hatch.

"Alright, bitches!" said Aika, hopping into the cupola with a radio headset over her head. "Freddy's given us the all clear, we can take this bad boy out for a test drive!"

"This is Two Clubs to Red Joker," Aika heard Friedrich's voice over her headset, "If I ever catch you calling me Freddy again, I will have you court marshalled. Out." it was obviously in jest.

"How did she-?"Aika then realised she was sat on the transmission button wired up to her headset. She grabbed it and held the button down. "Umm... Red Joker to Two Clubs, apologies! out!" she released the button and snickered.

Chiyo started the engine, the low but loud rumble filling the compartment and echoing through the tank hangar.

Aika let out a yawn, and retaliated by drumming the sides of her face, then said, "Everyone good to go?"

Keiko spoke up, peering through the optics trying to adjust the sights. "Just a moment, I'm not-"

"Alright then! Forward!" she finished with a thrusting finger point.

Chiyo pushed the throttle as much as she could and the tank lurched forward. She rolled the vehicle out of the hangar and toward the tank grounds nearby. Friedrich's M6 joined them in the cruise.

"What are we doing first, commander?" Chiyo asked over the radio.

"Freddy wants to start by doing some driving around the field to get used to the ride, so go nuts Chiyo!"

"Oh no..." said Keiko.

"You got it!"

Chiyo pulled off from the M6/Valiant convoy, and for the next ten minutes she proceeded to yank and shove the levers to jerk the tank around, rocking the crew inside and kicking up buckets of mud from the tracks. She was trying to get a feel for how severe the levers turned the tank the further back she pulled them... and because she wanted to rock the crew inside.

"Chiyo!" Keiko cried, "For goodness' sake, could you please-!"

"Keep going, Chiyo!" Aika urged, "This is fun!" a sudden jolt caused her to knock her head against the foam plated cupola edges. "Phew! Glad that's there!"

But Chiyo was really pushing herself. Every time she wanted to move a lever, she had to two hand it to put all her body weight into it to get it to move. So she had her head looking down into the compartment to see what see what she was doing.

So she didn't see the tree.

"BRACE!" Aika hollered, and everyone grabbed onto what they could just in time before the tank stopped sharply as it collided with the trunk. Of course, the tank kept going, taking the tree down with it, but it still caused a sudden plummet in speed.

Chiyo hit the brakes, and now the tank was mounting the fallen tree.

"Tch," Chiyo tutted. "I knew that would happen!" she grabbed the radio button and sent out a transmission, "I'm telling you Aika, I will not be able to deal with this dumb driving system!"

"Then you're just going to have to drive in as straight a line as possible," said Aika.

"That's a terrible idea," said Keiko.

"But if we can't mod it, it's the only idea," Chiyo sulked.

"Two Clubs to Red Joker. Don't worry Chiyo, you'll get the hang of it!"

Friedrich moved them onto stationary gun exercises whilst Chiyo gave her arms a rest.

"For this exercise, Red Joker, I want you to shoot the target as much as you can within two and a half minutes. It will be the responsibility of the crew to figure out the distance. Remember that groupings are more important than rate of fire."

"They are?" Aika sulked to her crew, "Well that sucks."

"Of course," said Keiko pushing her glasses up her nose, "The speed of which you can send shells down the battlefield is completely irrelevant if they do not hit anything. The only instance in which that would be important would be suppressive fire, but an exercise like that would probably be conducted in a much larger team-"

Aika yawned and made no attempts to hide it.

"So groupings are more important because one shot that hits its target can make all the difference as opposed to five shots that don't. In an ideal scenario a gunner should only have to shoot once to eliminate its target. Friedrich is correct. She is our commander for a reason. Furthermore-"

"You may begin the exercise."

Keiko shut up and glued her face to the optics. Ume cracked her knuckles. Quite far down range, Friedrich had set up a large target. Keiko lined up the crosshair in the very centre and fired. The shell was completely off.

But I expected it to be, she thought to herself. She figured Friedrich would allow a single missed shot for her to adjust her optics for the range.

"Up!" Ume called.

Keiko pulled away to look down at her notes on her lap. Exhaustive drawings and scribbles on the equations for gravity, angles, wind conditions (usually irrelevant). She put her eye back and figured out that the rings around the target were all six inches apart from each other. The target would be approximately three feet across, in that case.

"Are you going to shoot at some point?" Aika asked.

"Do not rush me!" Keiko hissed.

Keiko figured that aiming for the bullseye was a red herring. Groupings were important, not points. She adjusted her reticule up slightly, allowing some extra room for drop. Even if she only ever hit the outer ring, it didn't matter so long as every shell she fired hit the same spot.

Next, she decided to-

Keiko almost had a heart attack from the sudden and unexpected clatter as something big and hard struck the side of the Valiant, causing it to rock slightly on its treads.

"Jesus Christ! What was that!" Aika asked, breathing heavily from the shock.

There was a pop and a shwift they heard from the hull outside. Aika opened the cupola and poked her head out to see a white flag blowing in the breeze near her cupola.

Aika grabbed the transmission button. "Friedrich, what just happened?"

"I got bored."

"B-but, Commander..." Keiko spoke into the headset on her own head, "I was being careful! I needed to line up my shot to-"

"Speed isn't everything when shooting, but that doesn't mean you can disregard it entirely. If that were a real target, do you think they would sit there patiently waiting for you to line up a perfect shot?"

Keiko stared blankly down at her lap. She closed her eyes tight, grit her teeth and sent out a transmission.

"N-no, Commander... no I do not."

"Don't worry Keiko. It's a tough job and you'll become a natural at it eventually. And Aika!"

"Aye, mein Friedrich?" she snickered.

"Give Keiko a hand next time. I said it was the crews' responsibility to figure out distance, not just the gunner's. You've got binoculars in your basket for a reason."

"I have binoculars?!" Aika ducked back down into the cupola to look around for them. Sure enough, there were a pair of binoculars in a pocket of the tank hidden behind the tank instruction booklet. That must've been why she didn't dare to touch that spot with a ten-foot pole.

"Would you girls like to try that exercise again?" concerned that she might have hurt their feelings, Friedrich felt the need to ask.

The three girls looked between each other. Keiko looked miserable with her terrible performance. Ume reached over and placed her hand on Keiko's shoulder.

"You're not gonna give up are ya?" she said with a grin and fire in her eyes.

Keiko looked at Ume.

"You know what you need?" Aika asked, raising a hand like a karate chop.

"No, Aika, I do not need a "good old slap across the face."" Keiko chuckled.

"Dammit!" Aika balled her hand into a fist.

Keiko sent out a transmission. "Yes, Commander. We'd like to try the exercise again."

Whilst Keiko was still a little slow lining up her first shot, she was pleased to see she actually shot it. Aika provided... rather useless information as she didn't know what she was meant to be looking out for. Friedrich also noticed that time in-between shots was also pretty slow, like Keiko was lining it up all over again.

Friedrich was starting to get a little frustrated.

"I mean, what's the problem?" she vented amongst her crew in the M6. "How hard can it be? Aim the gun, shoot the gun. t's not like the turret does a one eighty when you pull the trigger!"

"Friedrich, darling," said Nelson, a mug of tea in hand. "Remember, we were rubbish one day."

"Yes, I know, I'm not expecting them to suddenly be an amazing shot, they're just... not getting it."

"Friedrich," said Custer, trying to pull her hat over her eyes as a sort of subconscious nervous habit, feeling awkward speaking back at her commander, "Do you remember when you came to the jazz club that one time?"

"The only time," Friedrich answered.

"Yeah. You tried playing the piano, but you just... didn't get it."

"I... I do remember that."

"This is the same. They might not be good, and they might not even have the mind for it. It's really easy for you to criticise them and say it's easy, because to you it is. To you it's second nature."

Friedrich considered what Custer was telling her.

"So maybe they'll never get it, but they're trying. At least they're trying."

Friedrich leaned back and ran a hand down her face. Truth be told, she was frustrated because she was hoping for immediate results from the headache she had to go through of arguing back and forth with the League on whether or not they could mod the tank.

"Friedrich..." a transmission came through from Aika, "We'd like to try again."

Custer looked back from the radio to Friedrich, waiting for a response.

Friedrich gave a light sigh. "One more go," she said hesitantly.

"Affirmative, Red Joker, one more attempt," said Custer, guessing that Friedrich didn't want to make the transmission herself.

"Awesome! Thanks, Friedrich, you're the best!"

Friedrich huffed. "No I'm not," she whispered to herself.

Omake:

"Thank you so much for choosing us as the next crew to take on board, Friedrich," said Keiko, the other three standing beside her. She knew spots were tight in the Tankery club and it was genuinely an honour for Friedrich to have picked them when the club acquired a new tank.

"No worries, Keiko," Friedrich smiled, a huge object hidden underneath a white cloth beside her.

"So, what is it?" asked Aika, gripping her hands into fists, "Is it a Cromwell?"

"Or perhaps a Centurion!" Chiyo's eyes sparkled.

"A Centurion would be nice," Keiko nodded.

"Or an AMC 35," Ume pumped her fists.

"Alright, girls," said Friedrich with a giggle, "I know you're all excited to start Tankery..."

She stepped toward the cloth and gripped it with both hands. The other four watched unblinking as the anticipation of seeing their new tank ate them alive from the inside. Even Keiko couldn't help mustering a small smile.

"...so here's your new tank!"

Friedrich wrenched the cloth away, revealing the vehicle underneath.

It was looked upon with expressions of confusion, followed by disbelief, and finally... realisation.

Omake inspired by a pic from this album: /a/RU5fh

Mars' Tips for Making a cast of Characters

Tip #3

The cheater's guide to making a character is to give them a strength, a flaw and a quirk.

While there's obviously a lot more to it than that, to make the foundation of a well rounded character, those are the only three starting points you need.

The character needs a strength to be likeable. Everybody has something they're good at. Everybody. Without a strength they have no purpose to the plot.

Flaws are quite often neglected in amateur writers. "My character has no flaws, they're perfect." Bullshit. Nobody is perfect. A flaw in a character presets them as more human, and often paves the way for development.

I experimented in this chapter by providing Friedrich with a flaw I believe my interpretation of her would have: a lack of understanding of the ignorance in fields where she is knowledgeable. Regardless of whether or not I executed well, I think it still strengthened the character as it gave an insight into someone a little more human. Simply because she's flawed.

And quirks make a character memorable and make them different. There's only so many combinations of strengths and flaws you can put together before the characters become samey.

I'll prove this formula works by filtering down some of the characters of GuP to this very basic level.

Miho - Tactical genius, lacks self confidence, has an obsession for Boko bears.

Yukari - Always does the job the best she can, socially awkward, excitable.

Anzu - Intelligent, acts before thinking, loves sweet potato.

Saori - Cares for her friends like a mother, naive, hopeless romantic.

Katyusha - Loyal, overconfident, Napolean complex.

Hana - Umm...something?, umm... head in the clouds? Maybe?, umm... eats a lot of food? ...y'know, because of those two frames in the show where she had a big bowl of rice...?

So you see, this formula does work. And from this I can make the argument that Hana is kind of a bland character. No seriously, this is an opinion of mine and I'm sticking to it.