For the second time in a week, future president Newt Gingrich blasted the out-of-touch snobs who use our city's subway system. Like most Americans, you've probably never been able to afford a trip on the subway, as it is the exclusive domain of Champagne-sipping dandies who love nothing more than to luxuriate in the MTA's Gilded Age-opulence. But from what we've heard, it's like entering another dimension of sophistication and enchantment, where only the most glamorous citizens ride gold-leaf locomotives along shimmering silver tracks winding through wondrous subterranean cathedrals that none of you lickspittles posses the refinement to appreciate. Populist everyman Gingrich gets this, and today he told a crowd of real Americans in Las Vegas that these "elites" in Manhattan who live in high rises and "ride the subway" are killing this proud nation.

Testify, brother Newt! But beyond volunteering for Gingrich's presidential campaign, what can anyone really do about these rich pigs who hog the elegant subways system all to themselves? The cost of subway fares keep rising beyond our reach. The elites are all the way down there, getting hand jobs and fancy hair cuts, and we're all the way up here in hell. We really want to join Gingrich's noble class war, but it all seems so hopeless sometimes, you know? On nights like these, all we can do is look on in envy, peering through the tinted windows of our sad, pitiful limousines, as aristocrats like Ruth Madoff lord it over us on the F train.

