Pluto not a planet? what's up with that?

A normal day in our solar system, but Earth has some super important news for Pluto

Pluto

Hey Earth, I got your text about something important you wanted to tell me, I’m guessing it’s bad because you ended it with a frowny emoticon but then immediately followed by a smiley face so then I got confused…

Earth

Oh yeah, hey Pluto, err no no it’s not bad… persay… so erm… how are you?

Pluto

Err good thanks, not too bad, been a bit constipated though but apart from that, been fine

Earth

Oh really? You wanna try some of that exlax stuff that usually works quite well, I mean it did for me when I was… last constipated

Pluto

Really?

Earth

Yeah and now they do it in chocolate form so you can eat it, but not too much of it though haha

Pluto

Wow yeah totally, not for chocoholics right? haha

Earth

haha Yeah, but seriously they should, really put that on the label on the box, it’s very easy to get hooked, I mistook it for normal chocolate and ate an entire pack of it whilst watching Pretty woman, yeah the next day was… eventful…

Pluto

Right…

Earth

Erm so anyway, the err thing that I wanted to tell you… erm isn’t all that important really, actually it’s more of a tiny little insignificant thing to be honest and nothing for you to worry about at all ok

Pluto

Ok What is it then? (whispering) Has Mercury got the Herpes again?

Earth

No… wait Mercury had Herpes?

Pluto

Yeah! like a couple years back, I said to him “well what do you expect when you have planetary intercourse with strange exo-planets from another solar system”

Earth

Wow! Well I guess that explains why he wasn’t at bingo that time… anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, it’s about you… erm ok I’m not really sure how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it… don’t get angry but we, err we all kinda decided that erm… you shouldn’t be called a planet anymore

Pluto

What?! Are you serious? That’s ridiculous, is this another one of Saturn’s pranks again, like the time he got me drunk and put me on a bus to the Andromeda galaxy with “Andromeda planets are gay” written on my southern hemisphere

Earth

Haha that was a good one, how did you get back in the end?

Pluto

Oh I met a very pleasant homosexual planet called Martin who gave me a lift back… we still keep in touch

Earth

Aww, well I’m afraid this isn’t a prank this time, we’ve really decided to declassify you as a normal planet

Pluto

So you are serious… Well if I’m not a planet then what am I?

Earth

Ok, don’t get angry, erm but we felt it would be better for everyone if we just referred to you as a… erm… Dwarf planet

Pluto

A dwarf planet?!

Earth

A dwarf planet, yes

Pluto

A dwarf planet!!

Earth

Don’t take it personally

Pluto

Of course I’m gonna take it personally, you’ve just told me im not a planet!

Earth

Well you are a planet, you’re just not… a conventional one

Pluto

Look I know I’m small but I’m still spherical and I’ve totally achieved Hydrostatic equilibrium… or whatever it’s called

Earth

Yeah but you don’t clean up after yourself

Pluto

What? what does that have to do with anything?!!

Earth

Well that’s sort of the main reason why you’re a dwarf planet, you see… you don’t attract nearby planetesimals like asteroids and debris and whatnot… you’re messy man

Pluto

So what you’re saying is, I’m not a normal planet anymore because I’m small and can’t clean up

Earth

Basically yes, and you’re weak, like, your gravity is weaker than the Zimbabwe dollar you’re so weak

Pluto

Hey! I try to go to the gym every now and then, whenever I can, I’m just super busy what with work and orbiting the sun and whatnot

Earth

Oh yeah that’s another thing I was supposed to tell you. erm your gym membership has been cancelled because you haven’t been to the gym for over a million years so it’s kind of expired… sorry

Pluto

Awww what?… Well couldn’t you have picked a better name other than dwarf planet? Like “slightly smaller planet”

Earth

Not really, that was the name we pretty much all decided in the end

Pluto

What?

Earth

Well it was either that or munchkin umpa lumpa smurf planet, which doesn’t really have much of a ring to it, I mean Saturn wanted to call you little shit planet!

Pluto

It’s so nice to be loved by your friends… well I guess it doesn’t sound quite so bad in comparison to those names

Mars

Hey guys! How’s it going?

Earth

Hey, I was just telling Pluto the news

Mars

Oh… yeah the… news, forgot about that… hey Pluto, just so you know I voted against the whole idea… so…

Earth

What are you talking about you moron? You were the one who came up with the vote… and you supplied the sandwiches

Pluto

Is that true Mars?… did you supply the sandwiches?

Mars

Sandwiches is such a strong word, they were more wraps than anything

Pluto

Wraps! What was in them?

Mars

Chicken salad

Pluto

Awwwww, that’s the best type of wrap

Earth

It is yeah

Pluto

Well this vote you had, did everyone do it

Earth

Err yep, even Uranus

Pluto

What?! Uranus voted? What?! but he never even comes out because he’s too embarrassed about his name!

Mars

Oh is that why we never see him? Poor guy… haha Ur-anus

Earth

He’s never really been the same since Neptune bitch slapped him off his correct axis

Pluto

I suppose next you’re gonna tell me that a comet voted as well

Earth

Oh yeah, Larry voted

Pluto

So was it like a close run thing with like one vote deciding it?

Earth

Erm not really it was pretty much a majority landslide to be honest

Pluto

So no one voted against the idea? Not even Jupiter

Earth

Nope, well Jupiter didn’t even know you existed, because you’re… ya know so much smaller than he is, and he’s never actually seen you, well he can’t see you to be fair… Because you’re so small…

Pluto

What? How can he say that, our parents are like best friends, we went to High school together

Earth

Well you know, you can’t always believe everything Jupiter says he’s full of hot air so… oh and gassy, very gassy

Pluto

Well that’s the last time he gets a Christmas card from me

Neptune

Yo yo what’s up players! What’s happenin’ in the inner solar system yo? Oh have you told Pluto the news yet? He is gonna like seriously flip out man

Earth

Yeah… he’s standing right there

Neptune

Oh hey, sorry dude, you’re like so small I didn’t even like see you there man… how ya doin’?

Pluto

Oh yeah I’m doing great considering I’m not a conventional planet anymore!!

Earth

That’s the spirit!

Pluto

I’m so sick of being treated differently because I’m small! I’m always too small to go on the rides at Planet land, I can never see over the counter in a bar, so then I can immediately forget about buying alcohol because they think I’m a child! And then the worst thing of all, I’m constantly ridiculed by my so called friends! Small planets have feelings too ya know!

Earth

Dwarf planets, Dwarf planets have feelings you mean, you’re a Dwarf planet now

PLUTO EXITS ANGRILY

Neptune

Yo guys play it cool, Jupiter’s coming

Mars

Hey Jupiter what’s up

Jupiter

I’ve got a question and I want you guys to be truthfully honest ok… this red spot I’ve got on my face is it noticeable? Be honest

Earth

What are you talking about? I mean I can’t see anything spot related right Mars?

Mars

No me neither, what spot would be my response, to that, to that question, I really can’t see anything

Jupiter

Really? Hey Saturn put the hula hoop down a second and come over here

Saturn

What?

Jupiter

Is this spot noticeable

Saturn

Woah dude that is gross man look at the size of that thing! It’s bigger than Earth dude! Wow! You’ve gotta get some Freederm for that thing dude! God I really wanna pop it but I don’t wanna touch it! Jeez that’s gross!

JUPITER EXITS CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY

Saturn

Woah guys look it’s Venus!

Mars

She is super hot

Neptune

Totally hot! I could orbit her all night!

Saturn

I know right, like she is like literally the hottest planet in the solar system!

Earth

Definitely

Saturn

Do you think I have a chance?

Mars

What with venus? No way

Saturn

What? Why not?

Neptune

I hear she’s into bad boys

Saturn

Really? What is the attraction to bad boys?

Earth

According to Planet dating magazine “A Bad Boy exudes untamed masculinity, independence and confidence which women find attractive”… apparently

Saturn

Well so what, I’ve got a massive super cool ring around me what’s cooler than that?

Mars

Wait a minute is that Pluto talking to Venus?

Neptune

It’s hard to tell he’s so small

Earth

Yeah it is him, what’s he doing?

Neptune

I think he’s chatting her up

Saturn

Haha what a loser he’s gonna get shot down big time! He’s not a bad boy! He’s a Dwarf planet

Earth

Err actually I’m not so sure, she seems to be having fun with him

Mars

They’re coming this way!

Earth

What was all that about Pluto?

Pluto

Oh what, that just then? Just gettin’ my groove on, I asked her out!

Saturn

Obviously she said no

Pluto

Err nope she said yes, so I can’t really stay and chat to you sad losers because I’ve got a date! With a girl! Who exists! There she is over there!

PLUTO EXITS

Saturn

I wish I was a Dwarf planet