A Lying Impregnator, a Harsh Advice Columnist, a Republican Goddess, and More — Reader Advice Roundup!

This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: A straight guy wonders what he's doing wrong . Another straight guy wonders what he's supposed to do now that his girlfriend has told him she's into role play . She's nearly six months pregnant and desperately horny but her live-in fuckbuddy has mysteriously lost all interest in sex . And four years after her husband's death, a widow who's ready for sex but not ready for love wonders if swingers parties are the answer . And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast

First up, an update from the a caller who discovered she was dating a man who lied to her (and other women) about having a vasectomy because he wanted to get her (and other women) pregnant:

Thank you for answering my question on Episode 678! As a reminder, I was the cis-gender female caller who asked what to do about the asshole who got a bunch of women pregnant with his fake vasectomy, including me. Last night I was at a bar in Brooklyn talking to a friend about that asshole. A stranger overheard us and the stranger realized I am the caller from your show. It was a beautiful moment because I never followed up to hear your response. I was a dedicated listener but stopped listening because I have lost interest in sex and relationships since everything that has happened to me. When I found the episode and heard your words, I felt so validated that I began sobbing. My nationally-acclaimed sexual assault lawyer Carrie Goldberg (featured in the New Yorker, Elle, The Guardian, and more, and who would make a FANTASTIC guest on your podcast) served that asshole with a demand letter a few months ago. Unfortunately, she could not continue with my case on a contingency basis because he owes so much in back child support that the case was not profitable for her law firm. So I was never able to see justice. But I am writing to just say thank you for your validating words. I already forwarded the episode to a bunch of my "friends."

Thank you for writing—and I’m so sorry you won't be able to get justice. If nothing else, here’s hoping your letter scared him this asshole to death. I still wonder if there aren’t criminal penalties he might face if you and other victims filed police reports and pressed charges for assault. (This seems to me like a case of rape by deception, as your consent was obtained under false pretenses.) And have you considered getting some of his victims together and approaching a journalist? If his victims are willing to go public, this sounds like a story a news org would run with. So if not legal consequences, perhaps this asshole could still face and social and professional consequences? (Also, Carrie Goldberg has already been a guest on the Lovecast!) Thank you for writing back.

Regarding my response to What Am I Doing Wrong:

You've been a bit harsh recently, going more for the jugular than normal. Everything OK? Getting enough sex? Want to talk about it? I always feel that if people write to you, even if they have their faults, they are at least trying. I pick up as you do that WAIDW may have crossed the line with some of his "flirty" sexting or memes, but I genuinely believe him that he didn't see the harm/didn't realize how far over the line he was. And here something I picked up on that you missed: "She replied that I need to stop sexually harassing her because she is taken, pregnant, and if she has a daughter, she wants to keep her away from men like me. I genuinely wish I was holding something back here, but aside from memes and, 'I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!', our interactions were all just friendly check-ins. Nothing more." This woman may have reacted this way because she's now in a controlling relationship, one in which she needs to make bold statements about exes to placate suspicions of cheating and avoid violence or abuse form her current partner. I do think this guy needs to share his text history with a friend and check in on his own perspective on this but I equally think you could've cut him a bit of slack for reaching out in the first place.

Seems like a big conjectural leap to me—that one of the woman WAIDW scared off has an abusive partner and she was making this all up—but you're not the only person who thinks I've been a little harsh lately...

Hey, are you franchising out your column now? I think the response to TODUMP had a bit too much anger and a few too many exclamation points. If that mid-level douche deserves to be kicked in the balls forever, what do you have left over for Mengele?

In the context of a relationship as opposed to, say, the context of crimes against humanity, I'd say a guy who pressures his girlfriend to have unprotected sex with a not-very-nice stranger in the middle of a threesome that she agreed to 1. to please him (seeing her have sex with another man was his fantasy, not hers) and 2. on the condition that condoms be used is upper-level douche. He may not deserve to be "kicked in the balls forever," that may be too harsh, but he does deserve to be dumped and maybe one or two kicks in the balls.

While responding a question about financial domination, aka findom, on the Lovecast, I speculated that the sudden emergence of this kink a decade and change ago might have something to do with the 2008 financial crisis and the growth of economic inequality. A listener seconds my call for some research into this kink and has a suggestion for the caller, who wanted to play along but didn't want "ruin" her sub financially (which is what he wanted):

Yatzee! @fakedansavage ties findom to the economic crisis and yes I wanna see some research!! (also she should set up a secret bank account and put most of his money there and when he is sufficiently "ruined" she can give him that account and start over)#savagelovecast

— bossy boys (@Bossyboys) January 28, 2020

What could possibly go wrong? Besides, oh, the caller getting hit by a bus the day before she planned to hand all that money back over to her finsub...

Sportlandia, a regular Savage Love commenter, thinks Sad Mama's fuckbuddy—who isn't interested in sex now that she's pregnant—may have deeper issues than just being squicked out by the thought of putting his dick next to the baby what it made:

Just spitballing here: Maybe the the fuckbuddy feels trapped by the baby and never wanted a long term committed relationship but you're pregnant and he's doing what he thinks should be done. Apparently this dude won't even maul your tits, which... not wanting to stick your dick in a pregnant women doesn't seem to unreasonable (things are going on! you could break something delicate!) but not touching you at all feels like the issue isn't really your pregnant body (although it may be your pregnant reality).

And Sad Mama writes back...

Thank you, Dan. Thank you, thank you. I just read the article. I have a lot of thinking I need to do... I need to mentally see if I am able to deal with the rejection or the guilt.

Another recent Letter Writer sends a note of thanks...

I just noticed that you responded to my email—not even day after I wrote to you! Wow! How do you do that?! I thought it would be weeks or months IF you ever responded. I just want to say, thank you so much. Your advice and the feedback from your readers is so helpful. I loved your complete candidness. You and Esther Perel have my heart. I hope you don’t think I’m a CPOS... love, lust, monogamy, marriage, it's all so complex. But I probably need to DTMFA, right?

You'll either have to DTMFA or set your expectations for your married affair partner so low you step over them.

A reader—in more than one sense—with an etymology lesson...

I am a reader for the Cincinnati Association for the Blind and Visually Impaired. I have one client who wishes to hear your column each week, which I am happy to do for him. In one of your recent columns the term "gaslighting" was used and I wonder if people actually know where it comes from. It is from a wonderful 1944 movie with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. It takes place before the use of electric light and homes are lit with gas lamps. The husband, played by Boyer, is actually trying to drive her crazy so that he can have possession of the house. I assume you knew but I'll bet many of your readers didn't.

The play is set in fog-bound London in 1880, at the upper middle class home of Jack Manningham and his wife Bella.... Bella is clearly on edge, and the stern reproaches of her overbearing husband (who flirts with the servants) make matters worse. What most perturbs Bella is Jack's unexplained disappearances from the house: he will not tell her where he is going, and this increases her anxiety. It becomes clear that Jack is intent on convincing Bella that she is going insane, even to the point of assuring her she is imagining that the gas light in the house is dimming.

The 1944 film is based on the 1938 play by British dramatist Patrick Hamilton. Take it away, Wikipedia ...

Jack, of course, is dimming the gas lights to make Bella doubt her sanity...

The play (and its film adaptations) gave rise to the term "gaslighting", meaning a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception.

And finally...

I want to know what @fakedansavage thinks of https://t.co/CiBCDRN7Om

— Devon Greenbaum (@wickednifty) January 28, 2020

I don't think there's enough room on the internet for all the barf emojis it would take for me to fully communicate what I think about this sad-ass dude's sad-ass website.

Okay, we're going to leave it there. I hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you back here on Monday!

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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com The new HUMP! Film Festival is touring! Find out when HUMP! is coming to a city near you and get tickets here!