It can't be easy trying to fund a political movement in the current climate, when politicians are about as popular as a wasp in a submarine. You'd have more luck organising a whip-round for President Assad. That's why politicians are forced to suck up to billionaire donors, who expect them to tailor their policies accordingly, thereby further widening the gulf between parties and the public.

But wait. Not all parties are alike. The Daily Telegraph has revealed that, last year, Ukip made a whopping £80,000 from flogging branded merchandise to the public from its online store.

It's admittedly not the classiest selection of goods you've ever seen. For starters, the Ukip party colours are a gaudy combination of purple and yellow, about as easy on the eye as a hastily flung fistful of powdered glass. It's tempting to think that by selecting two colours that can't exist side by side without violently clashing, Ukip are sending a subliminal warning about multiculturalism. But maybe they're just bad at graphic design. In any event, if the colour of the goods you receive offends you, just send them back where they came from. Ukip of all people won't mind that.

A Ukip tie. Photograph: Ukip

Most of the stuff in Ukip's shop looks as if it was created against the clock by a team on The Apprentice to fulfil a task where they have to create a personalised Argos catalogue for Alan Partridge. Golf umbrellas. Cufflinks. The Ukip "pound sterling" logo rendered in Cornish pewter. It could've been designed to tickle a Guardian reader's leftist point-and-chortle snob-glands, but the last laugh undoubtedly belongs to Ukip, because it works. The people buying this stuff actively want to flaunt their support for Ukip in public, which is a level of devotion above and beyond anything most of the other parties can muster. It's impossible to picture anyone voluntarily wearing a baseball cap with a photo of Ed Balls on it, for instance, unless you also picture them simultaneously sitting naked in a pile of their own filth, screaming about a policeman who lives in their forehead.

But maybe popularity isn't the issue. A quick look at the main parties' online shops reveals a crushing lack of imagination matched only by every single one of their policies. But enough talk: let's piss all over them, one by one.

Labour

What they offer: A range of vintage posters, Labour-party USB sticks and a branded bottle-opener. There are several large campaign images of cuddly Harold Wilson for the faithful to hang on the wall, but no sign of Blair. It's as though they think Blair's commonly regarded as a monster, which isn't fair, because he's actually regarded as a war criminal.

What they should offer: Some eye-wateringly expensive champagne produced by a socialist co-op, Michael Foot Hallowe'en costumes, a book containing 101 Awkward Photographs of Ed Miliband Failing to Carry Out Everyday Tasks, and a book containing the names and faces of absolutely everyone who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Iraq, supplied with a packet of handwipes.

Conservatives

What they offer: The Tories' selection is better than Labour's, with teatowels, sweatshirts, ties and baby clothing (specifically a bib with "Future Prime Minister" on it, presumably aimed at infants born into privilege).

As you'd expect there's also a fair amount of Thatcher-branded merchandise, including keyrings, fridge magnets, and a bizarre-looking book of sketches from Thatcher's funeral (according to the blurb, the artist, Thomas Plunkett, "has completed these sketches with an urgency that he does not try to conceal").

What they should offer: An Iron Lady ironingboard cover, George Osborne pencil sharpeners, and a souvenir copy of Geoffrey Dickens' missing dossier which magically disappears the moment you receive it. Also, an I [SKULL] THE NHS T-shirt would be nice.

Liberal Democrats

What they offer: The Lib Dems' shop claims to have been "designed to be quick and easy to use", but hides all the product categories away so you waste several minutes trying to work out what they actually sell. Once you can crack the code, you'll discover an impressively wide range, including Nick Clegg posters, "tin fridge magnets with a photo of the MEP of your choice", 18th-birthday cards, and a mug with a photo of the late MP David Penhaligon, accompanied by an inspirational quote: "If you have something to say, stick it on a piece of paper and stuff it through a letterbox." It says this on a mug. There's no sign of Cyril Smith – it's as if he's been airbrushed from history. Which, given the size of him, must have taken ages.

What they should offer: Student loans at competitive rates, woollen Cleggwarmers, Vince Cable HDMI cables, and a book of fantastical promises the party has no intention of keeping, called – wait for it – called a MANIFESTO!!!! #LOLOLOLOL #satire #didntseeTHATcoming #wellgeniusyeah.