1. Rhys James

Umbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it.

Remains is at Pleasance Courtyard until 30 August

2. Darren Walsh

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.

Punderbolt is at the Pleasance Courtyard until 31 August

3. Katherine Ryan

Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that final surgery – to stop ageing. Finally she nailed it.

Kathbum is at the Stand 3/4 until 22 August

Aisling Bea. Photograph: .

4. Aisling Bea



I just don’t have lesbian genes – which are dungarees.

Plan Bea is at the Gilded Balloon until 30 August

5. Chris Martin

If you want to to feel less intimidated by a bouncer, do what I do and imagine their ear piece is just a motivational tape going: “You’re a soft, strong individual.”

This Show Has a Soundtrack is at the Free Sisters until 30 August

6. Mark Nelson

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. Now, that’s not a miracle is it? That’s tapas.

Older Than Jesus is at the Gilded Balloon until 30 August

Hal Cruttenden. Photograph: Steve Ullathorne

7. Grace the Child

I’m a Buddhist. One of my main goals as a Buddhist is to have the world’s largest collection of Buddhas.

Grace the Child was at Bob’s Blundabus earlier in the Fringe

8. Hal Cruttenden

Victorians would have been great on social media. They’d have had their own emojis. Open brackets-close brackets means: “I’ve got rickets.”

Straight Outta Cruttenden is at the Pleasance Courtyard until 30 August

Bridget Christie. Photograph: /David Levene

9. Bridget Christie

I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.

A Book For Her is at the Stand Comedy Club until 31 August

10. Pippa Evans

I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

There Are No Guilty Pleasures is at Bannermans until 29 August