Sorry the website I just sent you the link to wasn’t looking right on your phone. I checked it out, and the layout was pretty jacked up. I personally caused that, as I’m solely responsible for each and every website on the internet. My bad, everybody.

Remember that site I shared the other day for that cool hot sauce club I joined? If it was hard to navigate on your Nebulous Plexus 6700 you can blame me directly. I was the site owner, project manager, designer, and developer on that project.

You know how there was a scrolling performance bug on that article about “introversion and the holidays” I posted? That was me. I was in that code base and crapped up that code on accident. Your best bet is to tweet me directly about things like that. Be a little smug about it too so I know it’s important. That’ll be our little code.

If the fonts aren’t loading on ESPN.com, take note that it was me who caused that. Shoot me a note at [email protected] and I’ll fix it ASAP.

Did you have trouble selecting the correct country from the drop down when checking out on Crate and Barrel’s site? I admit I was just being lazy there. Didn’t even cross browser test once. I’m a Chrome on Mac Desktop guy. That’s all I care about when I build each and every website that exists.

A special guest post by Jimmy Allweber.

Here’s one thing I would avoid: telling the company themselves. They deal with the customers, I’m more of the webmaster. Skip the middleman and come right to me.

As long as I’m giving advice… Be vague. After all, since all websites are mine, it’s really on me to investigate and wrap my head around your problems. Don’t make it easy for me.

Here’s a template you can use:

“Broken.”

I’ll make the reduced test case myself. That’s what I’m paid to do by all the companies on Earth.

By telling me about these bugs directly, you’re not just ensuring that the bug is seen and dealt with by the very person who can fix it (me), you’re skipping the line and saving everyone time. Remember not to tell me the exact link though. I should have a pretty good mental sitemap of the 14.58 billion URLs out there. If I can’t infer it, it’s my chance to brush up.

You and I are close, right? Don’t hold back on the constructive criticism like “Ugh. No.” or “Do you not even care about user experience you moronic self righteous inbred sack of garbage? You are the sticky key on my keyboard. You are the burnt out pixel on the jumbotron. You’re the sponsored tweet at a funeral.”

I wonder if you have any thoughts on how much Arial I tend to use throughout the internet? Hit me up on that too, because I literally designed it and installed it on every known computer.