Hate waking up to the awful surprise of greasy hair, even though you haven’t actually gotten around to washing it in four days? You knew what you were getting into before your landlord turned off the water this morning; now use these things that will take your greasy hair and make it much, much worse!

Baby Powder

It’s white and dry, so it must work, right? Dust a little baby powder on that oily scalp and voilà, a clean look that will keep all day long! Here’s how:

Dump an undetermined amount of baby powder on the top of your head. Spread it around? I don’t know. Wonder if your roots are supposed to go a dull gray. Wonder why this article wasn’t more specific?

Results: You hair is still slightly oily. Also, you’ve managed to age yourself 40 years while maintaining an unmistakable baby scent.

Braids

A simple braid across the top of your forehead ought to hide any greasy roots you may be experiencing. Check out Pinterest for millions of cute braided styles that will make you look like you’ve been frolicking in a nearby meadow all morning.

Separate the section of your hair that you want to braid. Spend half an hour watching tutorials on Youtube. Achieve a passable braid on your first attempt (way to go!!). Decide it could be a bit better; take it out. Unsuccessfully attempt to surpass, or even match, level of first braid. Give up.

Results: With each diminishing braid, you’ve been adding more oils to your shitty, greasy scalp. Your hair is still a mess.

Coconut Oil

Coconut Oil is a fix-all, right? Everybody fucking loves it! I’m pretty sure it won’t hurt to throw at least a little in there. As a bonus, coconut oil is all-natural and will probably make your skin glow by proxy!

Work approx. one teaspoon of coconut oil into your roots. Should you have melted it first? Oh well, maybe just massage it in gently? This was a horrible idea. Everything is congealed together. Why did I do this???

Results: Why did you think adding oil to the oil would work? Write the word “lustrous” down on a piece of paper, then rip that paper in a million different pieces because your hair looks like shit. Nothing will fix this; don’t even go to work today.

Bangs

Don’t have time to wash and dry your whole head? Just give your bangs a quick wash and blow dry and throw the rest up in a pony. Quick, easy, and super cute!

Realize you don’t have bangs. Use blunt paper scissors to hack away at the front portion of your hair. Straight lines are hard! Keep cutting until you get there; stay positive! Continue attempts until your hair is too short to keep cutting. Wash your new “bangs”

Results: Well, your bangs are no longer oily, but it looks like a three-year-old cut your hair. Haircuts by three-year-olds are probably going to be hip in a couple of months though, so start a new trend! Your hair is still greasy as shit.

Dreads

Honestly, your hair is already halfway to dreads, may as well embrace it.

Roll small sections of your hair together with your hands. Get really tired hands. Dreads take a long time! Is this even how you make dreads? Add dirt????

Results: Your hair will be matted into several indistinct impenetrable knots that will distract from any oily spots at the roots! Also, mice live there now!

Shave Head

If it’s good enough for Britney, it’s good enough for you. Also, you’re already two hours late for work, so you’d better get a move on!

Shave your head with anything; seriously, just get it over with.

Results: Your scalp might still be a bit oily, but without the hair, you won’t even be able to tell.

Who has time to wash their hair on the reg, anyway? Nobody! Get yourself out of a greasy hair bind and right into an even worse bind with these tips!