The Mafia is officially dropping its ban on gender diversity, following reports that the crime families of Southern Italy have fully embraced the LGBTQIAP+ lifestyle.

According to public prosecutor Nicola Gratteri, who has spent more than thirty years combating organized crime, “The Mafia have evolved along with society. The cultural enrichment brought about by years of mass immigration and open border policies have led even the most hardened button man to realize that diversity truly is our greatest strength.”

Where once there was Omertà, now there is sociale media, where the dons have been known to share bad memes about their rivals while their own capodecine use sock accounts to denounce them as boomers.

No longer the chief advisors, consiglieri must now compete with a variety of influences, including screenshots of headlines, out-of-context quotations, and mass moral hysteria.

“In order to maintain relevance, they need a way to amplify their voices above the general din of autistic screeching and viral retweets,” Gratteri explains. “Naturally, this entails rejecting the cispatriarchial notion of binary gender and identifying as one or more of the newly-discovered genders.”

Which is how traditional bambinaie (nursemaids) have come to be replaced with drag queens, and the Virgin Mary is seldom ever seen without her rainbow halo.

LEFT: Vidi Vici Veni, nanny to the Ndragetti family. RIGHT: The Virgin Mary.

“It isn’t hard to see how the son of one of the top crime bosses would come to work as a drag performer by the name of Lady Godiva,” Gratteri muses. “Living zir best trans life, I guess.”

While such a commitment to diversity is certainly to be lauded, the increasing number of Islamic conversions among the Mafiosx community has proven a challenge to law enforcement.

“Every time we indict them, they convert to Islam. And then we have to drop all charges. This is Europe. I’m not about to risk being labeled an Islamophobe and milkshaked by Antifascista. I have a family too, you know.”