Childish Non-Entity

As a toddler, my son was a classic tantrum thrower, prostrating himself, shrieking like a banshee, pounding his fists on the floor. I’d wait until he exhausted himself. Then, I’d say, “If you wanna be an asshole, that’s your choice. But, go to your room to do it. And, when you’re ready to be nice, you can come out. Because, I don’t wanna hang out with assholes.”

Thomas Massie went to work yesterday determined to throw a monkey wrench into a massive machine. Even rage tweets from the Mean Tweeter himself calling Massie “a third-rate Grandstander” and demanding that Republicans bum rush the pink-cheeked Kentucky Congressman out of the party failed to deter his mission.

Massie was determined to request a House roll-call vote on the $2T pandemic relief bill — a move that would not only seriously inconvenience a number of his House colleagues but would actually endanger everyone’s health, while deliberately delaying the measure’s inevitable passage by days.

Why was the Kentucky representative behaving so bullheadedly? Well, actually, Massie appears to be one of the only remaining fiscally conservative diehards who has yet to assign his immortal soul to Trumpy McBeelzebub. In the Kentuckian’s defense, Freedom Caucus pal Chip Roy (R-TX) tweeted that Massie “is one of the most principled men in Congress & loves his country.”

However, the preponderance of the verbiage directed at Massie, from both sides of the aisle, concurred with the president. After all, as a grandstander of the highest order, Trump should know a third-rate grandstander when he sees one. Former Secretary of State John Kerry tweeted that Massie should “be quarantined to prevent the spread of his massive stupidity.”

Still, in spite of a barrage of spiteful criticism, Thomas Massie marched defiantly toward the front of the House to make his motion. But, before the petulant brat was able to take the floor, Granny Nancy pulled him aside for a private confab.

When MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow asked Pelosi to share the substance of that conversation, the smile spreading across the Speaker’s face was priceless. This master politician had clearly relished giving a childish rank-amateur the kind of verbal spanking he so deserved.

“Well, I tried to be respectful of his enthusiasm for his… his idea,” Pelosi explained. “But I did tell him that it wasn’t going to work, and recommended that he take his enthusiasm to the floor and speak about why he was unhappy and let that be his statement. [I informed him that] we would pass this bill and we would pass it today and we wouldn’t let any nuisance stand in its way.”

In other words, a no-nonsense grandma was informing a recalcitrant five-year-old, “I respect your right to be an asshole. But I’m not about to let it ruin everyone’s day.”

Of course, Massie declined to head Pelosi’s wisdom. Thirty seconds later, his proposal had been shot down by a quorum of his colleagues, and his 15 minutes in the spotlight was over.

Thomas Massie had come to work feeling important and empowered. Instead, he got swatted aside like a pesky mosquito. And, all the now-insignificant but still-despised buffoon could do was slink back to his seat with his tail between his legs.

Rand Bishop (Gimpy Ol’ Norman) is the author of the memoir, TREK: My Peace Pilgrimage in Search of a Kinder America. Part One of Bishop’s new serialized satirical e-book novella Option (D): Dosing Donald is now available in Kindle edition.