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Jeff Bezos could be the world’s greatest exhibitionist.

He’s certainly the world’s richest exhibitionist. He also might be the world’s smartest exhibitionist, having figured out how to make his (thus far) unseen dick pic into a cause célèbre of the Resistance and anyone whose privacy has been violated.

In case you’ve been under a rock or that “log” that Jeff B. so majestically “rolled over” to “see what crawls out,” here’s the salacious and inspiring story in a nut (yep, those nuts) shell: A few hours after the Amazon founder and his wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, officially announced that they were amicably divorcing, the National Enquirer published an “exposé” of Jeff’s affair with media personality, Lauren Sanchez (who looks remarkably like MacKenzie, but that’s another fetish). The tabloid mentioned that it also had some photos in its possession that were “too” explicit to publish, though it did rummage up the moral justification (something to do with Bezos’ “fitness” to be a multi-billionaire) to publish a number of private, passionate sexts, such as:

“I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon”

“I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you…”

Reading these, I (like so many of my fellow Internet voyeurs) couldn’t help but laugh and share them with friends (as if we haven’t ardently and awkwardly sexted too), and yet, even then, I had to hand it to the world’s richest lovestruck horndog for feeling free enough to express his romantic passions with the woman he adores, which is very bonoboesque.

And at least he doesn’t say he wishes he could “live in [her] trousers” as her “Tampax.”

Nevertheless, I was pissed for MacKenzie, even though I, like most people, don’t know bananas about the Bezoses except for what they put out there in press releases and a scathing Amazon book review, plus what the snarky, sanctimonious tabloids choose to publish. It’s possible that the Bezoses had some level of “open” marriage and/or Mac has her own side dish (she certainly looks sexy enough, like a slimmer Lauren Sanchez!), or maybe they’d been on the outs since before all the sexting started. Of course, knowing I didn’t know didn’t stop me from joining in the social media mockery mob, crowing about my marriage being worth more than the Bezos’ 135 billion which he now has to split with MacKenzie, and making my own Bezos dick pic featuring a fairly large rubber dildo (rumor has it that the owner of the Washington Postis “well-endowed”) with a big helmet head, Bezos’ head.

I apologize for comparing JB’s skull to a glans penis, but people say Matthew Whitaker looks like a big thumb, and he actually used to market “masculine” toilet bowls for guys who think they have big dicks. So why not imagine Bezos’ happy, well-shined pate as the head of a happy cock?

Even now, after the media gossip has turned a major corner, I’d say the likeness is pretty apt.

The big difference is that my dick pic doesn’t have balls, and Mr. Bezos (as Mr. Pecker would very soon find out) most certainly has some.

“No Thank You, Mr. Pecker”

In the meantime, shortly after the release of the sexts, I, along with most of the world, forgot about Mr. Bezos and the two Peckers, aside from some of us wondering if the Amazon arrow could be an abstract rendering. But then, just in time for Valentine’s Day, gossip-fetishists of the world received a very special Amazon package, and no I don’t mean the dick pic (we wish!); I mean Bezos’ extraordinary open letter or blog, “No Thank You Mr. Pecker.”

In it, the man who founded Amazon and bought the Washington Post opens up about a personal problem he’s been having, suggesting that what happened to him could happen to anyone, or at least anyone who sexts dick pics (which, as a sex therapist, I can tell you, is a lot of people). Then Bezos lays out a story that fingers Mr. Pecker (I can’t help it; the puns write themselves), the National Enquirerand its parent company American Media (AMI), as well as the Trumpus himself, in a tale of blackmail, corruption and yes, sweet collusion with a foreign power, that’s a lot clearer to the non-FBI eye than that curdled decanter of Russian dressing.

Speaking of condiments, talk about getting your Pecker in a jam.

According to Bezos’ story, and the emails he claims to quote verbatim, Trump’s dear old friend David Pecker tried to blackmail Trump’s dear old enemy Jeff Bezos over his dick pic, most probably with the Tangerine Toadstool’s involvement. Trump couldn’t contain his glee about “Jeff Bozo’s” sexts being exposed in the National Enquirer, a more “accurate” publication than the “Amazon Washington Post” (Amazon doesn’t own WaPo; Bezos does, though he admits it’s a “complexifier”). Our Prez does wear his criminal heart on his sleeve, after all.

Back to the blackmail which sounds so cloak and dagger, but seriously, Chief Content Office Dylan Howard and Deputy General Counsel Jon Fine lay it all out there “in writing,” as Bezos can’t help but gloat. If you think it’s dumb for Bezos to sext his dick, how dumb is it to email the wealthiest dude in the world your blackmail threat to publish said dick in the National Enquirerunless he agrees to absolve the National Enquirerand AMI of any and all “political motivation”?

According to Bezos, after the Enquirer had published the sexts, his private securities-tzar-on-retainer, one Gavin de Becker, found that Mr. Pecker’s exposé does indeed seem to be “politically motivated” due to unfavorable coverage in the Washington Post of his good friend Donnie, aka David Dennison (in Stormy’s NDA, on which Pecker consulted), aka Mr. No Name (in Pecker’s own “catch and kill” with Trump’s Playmate paramour Karen McDougal) aka Individual 1 (in Michael Cohen’s flip that also fingers Mr. Pecker) aka Mr. President Donald J. Trump.

Pecker’s BS for MbS

De Becker vs. Pecker (the rhymes also write themselves) gets deeper with the security wrangler finding that the AMI publisher was also not happy with WaPo’s coverage of the assassination of one of their columnists, one Jamal Khashoggi, with all evidence pointing to another, newer “friend” of Mr. Pecker, one hip young murderous Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, aka MbS. Tellingly, AMI also published The New Kingdom, an absurdly pro-Saudi magazine that inundated supermarkets just before MbS’ March 2018 trip to the U.S. where he met with Trump, Oprah and other “dignitaries” who may not have known Khashoggi was on the Crown Prince’s hit list, but surely they knew of the Saudi-committed (with American-made weapons) atrocities in Yemen. Since The New Kingdom was clearly a puff piece for the Saudis (who were sent advance copies before publication), which would require AMI to register as a foreign agent; since they didn’t do that, AMI broke the law. Though Pecker’s deal with Mueller says “no new crimes,” and that particular crime was so last year.

AMI’s crime of blackmailing Bezos, however, is very much this year. Therefore, last Wednesday, Jon Fine (who used to work for Amazon!) demanded of de Becker’s lawyer Martin Singer (“Marty”) that Bezos and de Becker stop investigating Pecker(!) forthwith and declare that they “have no knowledge or basis for suggesting that AMI’s coverage was politically motivated or influenced by political forces”… or else dick pic and other private selfies will be released.

Last Thursday, Bezos published the whole damning thing, or at least the incriminatory emails, basically calling Pecker’s bluff and probably getting him into deep, stinky doo-doo with the Independent Counsel’s office.

Yes indeed, Trump loves to think of his narcissistic self as King Midas with everything he touches turning to gold, but really he’s King Shithole and everything—and everyone—he touches turns to shit… or falls in a shithole and gets covered with it… or shines a light on the illegal, gross, greedy, racist, sexist, noxious shit they’ve been doing for years just out of public scrutiny (here’s looking at you, Paul “The Coercive Cuckold” Manafort), so that now everybody can see what shitheads they are, and now a few of them are going to spend some of the shittiest years of their shit-spewing lives in the vast, multi-franchised system of shitholes known as the American Prison-Industrial Complex (PIC).

Life Lesson: If your last name is Pecker, don’t blackmail guys over dick pics.

“Bezos Exposes Pecker”

Once Bezos’ manifesto exploded like the cum shot heard round the world, from within the belly of the Internet (which he owns almost half of), he went from world’s richest whipping boy to world’s bravest superhero in a nanosecond.

The Huffington Post came up with the best headline, “Bezos Exposes Pecker” (kudos to Hufpo reporter Hayley Miller who wrote that headline on the subway right after Bezos released his masterpiece), which ,the New York Post promptly copied. But hey, what’s a little plagiarism when there’s juicy. sexual, political blackmail going down?

The Bezos Epistle came as if heaven-sent to the increasingly inspiration-starved Resistance, the same folks who had mocked the Amazon founder’s public disgrace a few weeks earlier, now praising him for his “courage” and “sheer genius.”

The Power of Exhibitionism

Going back to my original point, I’d just like to add “exhibitionist” to that list of florid descriptors.

A consensual exhibitionist, I’d surmise—or hope. I haven’t heard anything about Bezos flashing his pecker from his desk at unsuspecting victims who may or may not work for him, like some film directors and stand-up comics. Along with purple-prose sexting, his fetish is to take selfies of his near-naked body, with a particular focus on his erect “manhood” inside and out of his “tight black boxer briefs” or skimpy “towel.” It might sound kinky, but it’s a very popular fetish in these smartphone-addicted times, compounded by heightening fears of in-person flirting. Carefully the “bad” shots, he then sends his favorites discreetly to his mistress.

Discreetly? How could anyone involved in technology, let alone the King of Online Shopping, think that sexting or any kind of texting can be done discreetly? Technology or no technology, there’s a living, breathing, potentially indiscreet human being (at least one) on the receiving end of your “discreet” dick pic. Some say Linda Sanchez’ brother, Michael Sanchez, a PR exec close to Pecker, Roger Stone (oh no, not him again!) and Carter Page, might be the one with “loose lips.” He denies involvement, though the Post reported that Sanchez said he was told that theEnquirer planned to do “a takedown to make Trump happy.”

The things some people will do to calm a crying baby, especially when that baby is Presidunce.

Whoever whispered down the lane—brothers, sisters, best friends or dirty tricksters—everybody knows that the heat is on when you hit “send.”

Creating Amazon from his garage (with MacKenzie’s help), purchasing the then-broke Washington Post, ready to fly the unfriendly skies with Blue Origin, Jeff Bezos prides himself on thinking ahead of the game. Something tells me that when Bezos hit “send” on those “private” sexts and pics, yes, even the dick pic(s), he knew full well that they could find their way into the public eye.

And (I think) that turned him on. It probably still turns him on, maybe even more than before. Sure, he’s very brave, smart and all that, but he’s also at least partly motivated by his personal exhibitionism. That’s something the AMI folks weren’t banking on. But I can just imagine the Bezos brain thinking,

“So what if everybody and my mistress’ brother sees my dick? It’s a nice dick, and it could be awesome. After all, I wouldn’t be the one publishing it and (this part is critical) there are much loftier principles at stake than showing off.”

That’s just what I imagine. Here’s what Bezos actually wrote:

“Any personal embarrassment AMI could cause me takes a back seat because there’s a much more important matter involved here. If in my position I can’t stand up to this kind of extortion, how many people can?”

Indeed, Jeff of Bezos sounds as pure as Joan of Arc and strong as Richard the Lionhearted, and I must say, his timing is excellent: many feel that it’s about time somebody his own size (and larger) picked on Mr. Pecker, since he has blackmailed, extorted, harassed and intimidated many celebrities and others in their orbits with that tabloideria.

“Important matter” or not, exhibitionism also plays a vital role in this melodrama that just might have the juice to screw the Trump Crime Family. Physically, Jeff Bezos is the opposite of Donald Trump, a tall, rather wide man with a smallish pecker (not his National Enquirer friend, his toadstool peepee that Stormy described so disdainfully in Full Disclosure). Bezos is 5’7”, a couple inches under average, and rumored to have that big endowment which no one but MacKenzie (until now!) could legitimately see… and appreciate.

As a sex therapist, I know how frustrated many short men with large penises feel, because potential dates, mates and even “society” are constantly judging them by their height which is plain for all to see, yet they are not allowed to show their impressive member under penalty of total humiliation and possible incarceration.

It’s not just “short” men; most men are frustrated and warped by the forced imprisonment of their pride and joy. Some are driven to amass huge fortunes, build rocketships, drive big gas-guzzling cars, collect guns, join the military or even commit mass murder to prove their “manhood.” Society might be more sustainable if we just let these men show their dicks to somebody, even to the Village Square… with appropriate trigger warnings, of course.

Why is the erect penis so “forbidden” to see? There are many reasons, but I think it’s at least partly because men in power don’t like being reminded of their shortcomings… unless they’re aroused by cuckold humiliation, which more and more men find exciting, probably because so many big dicks are on display in porn.

I agree with Dan Savage that it would be great, really brave and very bonobo if Jeff Bezos would get way ahead of the game and just publish his own dick pic(s) “before the National Enquirer leaks it to TMZ” (also mentioning that the same day Bezos exposed Pecker, the LA Times revealed that “Amazon is stealing tips from delivery drivers,” and nobody cared.

If anybody somehow publishes Bezos’ dick pic and it’s as big as rumored (unlike Trump’s Inaugural),he can add “World’s Richest Porn Star” to his list of accomplishments.

Others want Bezos to sue the pants off Pecker. There are many billionaires on Uneasy Street, worrying about their illicit sexts and naked selfies, not to mention their financial crimes they might have spilled during sexting “pillow talk.” I don’t mind that so much; nobody should be burdened with so much money, including brave geniuses who like to show their dicks, and certainly not Puritanical billionaires like the Mercers and the Koch Brothers. Go Bonobos for AOC’s 70% tax rate on the highest earners, Bernie Sanders’ and Elizabeth Warren’s wealth tax on the super-wealthy—whether they “earn” their filthy lucre or not.

Sadly, sextortion is very common in the digital age, and not just perpetrated against billionaires. Often, it’s “revenge porn” on a very personal, low-income level, an ex-boyfriend threatening to show naked photos of the gal who dumped him. Or maybe an ex-girlfriend displays pix of the “tough” boyfriend who jilted her in stockings and sissy panties. But it’s also done by tabloids. So, who else has the National Enquirerblackmailed? The victims could probably start their own #MeToo movement.

Worthy cause that stopping blackmail is, I worry that Bezos winning a lawsuit against AMI will curtail free speech far beyond the National Enquirer, especially speech about sex. It’s already happening, thanks to SESTA/FOSTA, but this could make things even worse. So no, I’m not looking forward to a DeBecker vs. Pecker lawsuit. Getting Trump’s Pecker in a jam with Mueller’s office would be erotic entertainment enough, and it could be the realization of the Resistance fantasy that one billionaire’s brave, genius exhibitionism can save us from the Mad Tweeter.

Then again, wouldn’t it be cool if Bezos released Trump’s Pee Pee tape on Amazon Prime?