ST. LOUIS, August 13, 2015

The Bud Light Lime Ritas franchise is growing.

Building off the success of the Lime-A-Rita, Straw-Ber-Rita, Mang-O-Rita, and Raz-Ber-Rita, Bud Light has announced a forthcoming Pineapple-Rita, the newest bold flavour in the lineup of Bud Light’s refreshing beer cocktails.

The brand anticipates continued success with the launch of Pineapple-Rita, which is an 8% ABV flavoured malt beverage blending all the exciting refreshment of Bud Light Lime with the taste of pineapple.

In anticipation of the production of large volumes of Pineapple-Rita, Bud Light has also announced that they have placed their brewmasters on round the clock suicide watch.

“Lime-A-Rita and Straw-Ber-Rita are two of our most successful innovations to-date. They allowed us to introduce Bud Light into occasions it hadn’t traditionally played in, and we want to continue to build new markets for our brand,” said Jason Pendegrass, Vice President of Marketing, Bud Light. “In order to do that, we need to make sure that the people we’ve hired to make beer don’t try to harm themselves as the products we’re asking them to make continue to move further and further afield of what might traditionally be called ‘beer.'”

In order to do that, Bud Light has placed their talented Ritas Brewers under intensive monitoring, has limited their access to sharp objects, and has undertaken measures to ensure that their brewers can come to work without shoelaces or belts.

“We’ve hired these people to make beer because that’s what they are good at and that’s what they love to do,” Pendegrass says. “Now that we are increasingly asking them to produce a bastardized mockery of the beverage that they love, we don’t want them distracted with thoughts of a self-harm.”

Bud Light is confident that no brewers will actually take steps to mercifully end their own existence, nor is it likely they’d leave the brand to pursue other interests given the generous salary Bud Light is capable of offering, but Pendegrass says there are contingencies to ensure the continued growth of the brand.

“Even if they did all off themselves,” he said, “I’m sure we could just pay some illegals to dump a bunch of frozen fruit or concentrated sugar and dye into a vat of Bud Light Ultra. Same shit.”

The Rita franchise has become one of the most successful new innovations in the beer industry, representing the top brands in the Flavoured Malt Beverage sector. Bud Light has indicated they are looking forward to a bright future that includes Blue-Ber-Rita, Kiwi-Rita, Kumquat-a-Rita, and an as-yet-unamed collaboration with Axe Body Spray.

About Anheuser-Busch

Based in St. Louis, Anheuser-Busch is the leading American brewer, holding a 47.6 percent share of U.S. beer sales to retailers. The company brews Budweiser and Bud Light, two of the world’s largest-selling beers. Anheuser-Busch is a major manufacturer of aluminum cans and has been a leading aluminum recycler for more than 30 years. The company is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Anheuser-Busch InBev, the leading global brewer, and continues to operate under the Anheuser-Busch name and logo. For more information, visit www.anheuser-busch.com.

This post is satire.