Its the first week of December

And not that you’d know

For the sidewalks are dry

Not a smitter of snow

But thats just fine by me

For I’ve been made aware

The ads start in September

“Christmas’s Coming, Beware!”

‘Tween daughters and neighbors

‘Twixt spouses and sons

Theres so much to be purchased

So much work to be done!

Today’s my day off

A whole three hour break!

So I order an Uber

And by the curb I wait

I don’t have the money for Amazon Now

And I’ve hit my ad-limit, I furrow my brow

To the store I must venture

Big Box retail by George!

To find Walmarts and Targets

My own path I shall forge

How quaint, so archaic

So humble, so old

This is just like my parents

Or so I’ve been told



The cab swiftly arrives

With a honk and a beep

The car crushes a vagrant

Picked a bad spot to sleep!

Now I need to get going, a delay makes me mad

So imagine my anger from the pre-car ride ad



“Hello Valuable Customer, before the journey begins

Keep your eyes on the windshield, with our sponsor Depends”

So I hunker down swiftly, stare straight at vents

“Please valuable customer, stay tuned till the end”

My uber subscription, is basic you see

Before the car can start driving I must watch the TV

But the ad never plays

And I leave with a huff

For the eye-contact sensor

has been marred by a scuff

My last credit, now wasted

Well that was a bust

At the end of my options

I’ll make due on the bus

I will walk to the corner

Windex Drive and Coke Street

Thats where the route stops now

I make quick on my feet

But I don’t walk alone, and Ill never get bored

I walk under the glow, of a hundred billboards

And they’re all stoked to see me

They buzz my airpods

“KRIS TRY THIS NEW BURGER”

“HEY KRIS LOSE THE DAD BOD”

Planet Fitness reminds me

” ’26 IS YOUR YEAR”

And Wendy, she tempts me

“KRIS WE’RE NOW SERVING BEER”

Oh Wendy, of Wendy’s how you know me so well

The AI bot that runs her, has made my life hell

We had a brief online fling, the texting got steamy

But an AI GF, is a long way from dreamy

For now she lambastes me, a machine haunts a dude

“TRY OUR NEW FROSTY OR I’LL MASS LEAK YOUR NUDES”

To the stop I arrive

Not a moment too soon

The bus halts with a screech

My heart races, I swoon

FIRESTONE HOT BUS

The words blaze on the side

Free VR for patrons

Oh boy what a ride!

And I reach in my wallet

Grasp my crypto-fob

But the driver he sneers at me

Like I was some slob

“Listen up buster, while your wallet is cool

We don’t take bitcoin payments, read the sign fool!”

And he points towards the screen

Something feels amiss

As I scroll down the screed of the currencies list

Yes: Cokebucks

Yes: PornCoin

No: Wikicoin though

Yes: Libcoin and Libra and of course Steam Game Codes

Gold Tier Comcast Subscriptions will help waive the fee

But I’m stuck at silver, no I can’t ride for free

The driver, now flustered

gives me the line

“Sorry pal, there’s a schedule

Try having money next time”

So the bus rolls away

And I hem and I haw

I inspect my surroundings

Oh look there’s a WaWa!

One of my favorites

Truly a treat

Gas, food, bank, and a strip-club

Christmas blues meet defeat

TRY OUR PEPPERMINT ROLL-UPS

The door screams once its open

AND OUR XRAY MACHINE IS CURRENTLY BROKEN

WAWA-WALK-IN CLINIC EXPRESSES ITS SORROW

BUT CHECK YOUR INSURANCE AND CHECK BACK TOMORROW

My watch, it alerts me

Not to tell me the date

“Hi its Verizon Presents:

To Your Job You Are Late!”

Oh no what a hassle

What a shame, what a drip

That old boss of mine better give me no lip

Because his gift was the first

I intended to buy

After all he employs me

What a great guy

And if Jeff in accounting

Says anything funny

Then I’ll rent an HR rep

If I can cough up the money

I set off towards the office

With a smile on my face

Because I know I am free

To carve my own space

To live without burden

Of state meddling in business

So good tidings I send

On Libertarian Christmas ©

Ho Ho Holy Shit How Did We Get Here?