“Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh touched the Cheese with his finger, and that’s what started this thing called the Cheese Touch. It’s basically like the Cooties. If you get the Cheese Touch, you’re stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers”

– Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Cheese-Touched

Here I am doing the same, nothing else. Few days ago, I was Cheese Touched by a friend, while searching for something writable. Same story again and again, *sad and innocent face*. So, as I have around 7 days left to pass it on, and will be kind of busy for next 6 days, let’s cut the usual introductory crap and carry it forward. Amen!

Cheese er Itihas, Manush kheko doityo ebong Gachh er Bhoot

Supposedly no one knows perfectly when the people started making cheese. 3500 years old preserved cheese has been found from China’s Taklamakan Desert. There are other shreds of evidence for the existence of Cheese more than 4000 years ago in Sumeria. Also in Egypt. Also in Greece. Also in Arab. But the Arab mentions are slightly younger than neighboring Sumeria. So the winner is- *suspense*- Poland. Somehow they got Cheese around 7500 years ago. But wait… Old man Homer is saying that Cheese was invented by a weird bearded, creepy man-eating, one eyed Giant named Polyphemus. So, the winner is- *ting ting ting* this Weirdo. But wait, another old man Pindar is saying that the cheese was invented a long time before that one eyed cannibal by some another bearded guy Aristaeus who happens to be a Greek god inventing Bee Keeping too. But wait. Now someone is saying that this beekeeper god has learned to make cheese from the soul of the Myrtle shrub. Fuck this shit! Who gives a fuck about who invented it first?

Sobuj Cheese er Raja

The Moon is made of Green (Fresh) Cheese. This was one of the most widespread notion & popular proverb before the invasion of scumbag Science. Originally, a slight idiot man from a fable once noticed the reflection of the moon in water and thought it was made of the cheese. But around the world, there are different versions of it from different timelines among the distinct cultures, folklores, and mythology. Like- here is my favorite one from Southern France. A man was washing his ass (donkey) in the moonlight. Suddenly there came some cloud and covered the moon. The man thought that his ass (donkey) ate that shit. So, he did the same what any wise man would do. Killed the ass (donkey) & recovered the moon. *phew*

From Serbia- a fox tricked a dumb ass (a projection of the pelvis and upper thigh bone on each side of the body in human beings and quadrupeds) wolf to believe that the moon’s reflection in the water is actually a cheese and eventually the wolf died of drinking water to get the cheese. Why does this story remind me of my love life? *insert thinking hard emoji here*

“Oh Chand Tor Bandhobider Songe Jaabo”

In Zulu mythology, a hyena drops his hard earned bone in the water to go after the Moon’s reflection. Swagger Molla Nasraddin from turkey thought the moon has fallen into his well by seeing the reflection. So he tried to rescue her with a rope and ultimately fall down himself.

In Scotland a wolf tried to fish the moon’s shadow with his tail. Wait again, sorry, but wait. Twilight saga says that Wirewolves are the sons of the moon & we have seen that wolves wants to eat the moon. Holy motherfuckers!

Iye Cheese Badi Hai Mast Mast

Though everyone knows that cheese is a yellowish slice of heaven sold in supermarket and that whitish stuff found in burgers, some nerds have to dig too deep. Like- a French guy named Maguelonne Toussaint Samat traced Brie (looks like a vanilla cake) Cheese, called The Queen of Cheese’ in his book “History of the Food” and linked it up with King Charlemagne from 8th Century. According to him, people from Monasteries survived the mass starvation caused by the fall of Roman Empire with this Your Majesty Brie.

Aro Kichhu Cheese er Kahini

Another one, Gorgonzola or Blue Cheese (yaak!) was made in the valley of River Po in Italy in 897 BC. A French Cheese named Roquefort made from sheep milk (looks like a skin with Arsenicosis) was created by French Monks around 1070 AD. Cheddar Cheese (looks like Cheese from Disney Animations but without holes) is being made in England from 1500 AD & Italy is producing Parmesan (a cheese- hard like women’s heart and harder to melt) since 1597. Netherland’s Gouda (City) is manufacturing Gouda (Cheese, looks cute in google images) since 1697 and Camembert (weird looking, soft) is made by French People from before 1791. Enough! *phew*. *phew phew*

Deshojo Cheese er Hal Hokikot

Some morons also claim that Indian Paneer is India’s own Cottage Cheese. But morons also says that moon is made of rocks and stuffs- like the earth. Who Cares! Paneer is nothing but a tasteless piece of shit which becomes tasty in the influence of Butter and Curry. That’s it. Instead, at Bandel in Bengal, erstwhile Portuguese colony, there is an indigenous cheese being made for a couple of centuries. It is pretty unique too as it is made by separating curds from whey by lemon juice. It looks like rounded stone pieces and comes in two different modes- Plain (White) & Smoked (Brown) & without any hole or stupid stuff like that. Why there should be holes in perfect things like Cheese? Whose idea was that?

Thogbaj Swissera ebong Iidur Songkranto Opoprochar

Swiss People. Okay. So, the hole exists mainly in Swiss cheese and it is a by-product of some microbes which are added to produce the cheese. By the way, in the context of hole, Mice doesn’t actually like Cheese. So, it was another lie along with Spinach-Biceps connection. They tend to avoid cheese even when they are hungry AF.

Putin ebong Crimea: Kebab mein Cheese

Subtle out of context, but a seemingly bizarre event is happening in world politics. When Russia annexed Crimea in 2014, the West banned Sanction to Russia in protest. And then guess what? Yes. Russia banned the import of Cheese from west as one of other count-steps. There is a short documentary named “War & Cheese” where the protagonist is a man named Oleg Sirota who used this opportunity and set up a cheese farm.

Tinti Obantor Joke ebong Conclusion Hinota

Q: What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? A: “That’s the most violent book I’ve ever read.”

Q: What do you call cheese that is sad? A: Blue cheese.

Q: Which is the most religious cheese? A: Swiss, because it is holy.

Okay, you are now cheese touched and stuck with it. Buy me a cheese burger and pay it forward. Amen!

p.s- On April 1, 2002 NASA proved that Moon is made up of Green Cheese with the support from images captured by Hubble Space Telescope. All scientists are not assholes.