For those of you wondering, the phone is really ugly. It looks like a tiny office building and is clearly aimed at people with more money than style. So we thought we’d dive into the world of the stupidly rich with far too much cash to play with, and see what we came back with. And believe us, folks: it ain’t pretty.

Still reeling from the shock of the Dior phone, we didn’t see this one coming. An iPhone that retails at £1.92 million. The iPhone 3GS Supreme Rose, designed by Stuart Hughes, offers all the features of a standard iPhone, as well as being studded with hundreds of diamonds in pink. Well, gosh, Stuart, you sure know what the ladies like. Obviously, your pink sparkly iPhone Supreme Rose wouldn’t be complete without this limited edition gold and diamond encrusted Bluetooth headset. Encrusted, mind, not studded. The only encrusted thing I have ever had is a chicken kiev. And at $50,000 (£31,105) for the headset, it looks like that chicken kiev is the closest I’ll get.

If you’re the type of person that’s reading this and thinking, “OK, yeah, I could go for that”, then you clearly have absolutely no sense whatsoever so you’d probably be interested in this too; a vacuum cleaner for $19,000 (£11,820), the Crystal Ergoripado. While your maid potters about, sucking up dirt with Henry’s obscenely expensive cousin with a name like a stripper, you can do some of that paperwork that’s been piling up, and then collate it all together nicely with these gold-plated staples. At £50 a pop, you certainly won’t be playing “how much pain can I really feel in the tip of my finger anyway?” with these badboys. And after a hard day’s stapling, you can throw yourself on your sofa in front of your £1.43 million television (Stuart Hughes is at it again!), turn up the sound on your £1.24 million speakers, and watch a nice episode of Corrie. Lovely.

If you’re more outdoorsy – perhaps in our indulgent fantasy you’ve made your millions running an extreme heli-skiing company, or chopping down rainforests – then we have the luxurious answer for you. A Louis Vuitton skateboard at about £5,000. Decorated with the acid pink, pseudo-graff (but not logo) writing made famous by so many Essex girls, you can be guaranteed that if you take this down to Stockwell skate park, you will get punched in the mouth. In a similar vein, we offer for your ridicule and disgust, this Chanel surfboard. The giant logo on the underside means that even if you wipeout, everyone will know you’re rich, so who gives a crap if you can’t surf.

Seeing as you’re so impractically rich that you own a Chanel surfboard, you probably wouldn’t want to cramp your style with something as bourgeois as a wetsuit, so we suggest this bikini from Susan Rosen. It's made purely from diamonds and platinum, and described with lots of words such as "flawless", "emerald cut" and "51 carat", which we assume means they’re really good diamonds. It covers very little of your body, costs £18.6 million and probably hurts quite a lot. To finish up, no itsy witsy teeny winy fucking expensive diamond bikini would be complete without a pair of blinging shoes, so how about these ones by Stuart Weitzman? For a comparatively cheap £1.24 mil, you can have the pleasure of looking like one of Girls Aloud on their wedding day. Which is all we really want, deep down. You’re welcome.