Earlier this season, the beloved CW series Riverdale introduced a person, place, or thing called the Gargoyle King. Even though the show is ostensibly about real people, my initial reaction to the debut of this (potentially) mystical creature was, “Yep. That tracks.” Why was I so ho-hum about a ghastly deity making its way towards the town with pep? Because absolutely anything and everything is possible when it comes to the wonderful fever dream of absurdity known as Riverdale.

There’s a lot to absorb when it comes to this CW drama, but today we’re going to analyze the strangest aspect of Riverdale: the insane character names. Yes, I know, many of these names are taken from the source material. I get it. But when the show has a chance to add its own bizarre flare to a new character, it relishes in capturing the same zany tone as the comics. How exactly are new characters named? Who knows. I assume a writer yells something like, “Quick, somebody give me the name of a candy bar and a type of wood!” and some assistant shouts “Snickers Mahogany!” and that character becomes a Serpent or a San Jose pickle baron or who the hell knows.

Riverdale is balls to the wall mayhem, and I absolutely love it.

To celebrate the show’s penchant for absurdity, we ranked the 50 most insane character names. It doesn’t matter if the name comes from the comics or is a Riverdale original; these rankings are based solely on an indefinable factor I’ve dubbed “wait… WHAT!?”

We’ve broken the names down into five tiers. Enjoy.

Tier 5: Weird, But Basically The “John & Sarah” Of Riverdale

50. Andy Cohen

Remember when noted real person Andy Cohen dropped by television’s never-ending funhouse of insanity to… I don’t remember. Invest in maple syrup? Take over Pop’s Diner? Teach Archie basic arithmetic?

Oh. Right. Sure, why not? Anyway, both Andy and Cohen are sane, normal words, which is a rarity in Riverdale. I’ve included the famed Bravo host on this to remind you what an actual human being name is supposed to sound like. Consider Andy Cohen your North Star and Riverdale your doomed spaceship to Mars.

49. Monsignor Murphy

48. Mr. Lazenby

47. Smithers

46. Abuelita Lodge

45. Geraldine Grundy

44. Xander St. Clair

43. Paul Sowerberry

Is it just me or do an alarming number of these names sound like an ’80s TV detective who “plays by their own rules, consequences be DAMNED”?

“Dammit, Grundy! I’ve had it up to here (points to top of head) with you, Sowerberry, and St. Clair taking the law into your own hands. Your swashbuckling days are over! I want your gun and your badge on my desk! Because guess what, hotshot?! You’re off the case!”

42. Uncle Bedford



41. Ginger Lopez

40. Toni Topaz

Tier 4: Whoops! We Dropped All The Scrabble Tiles! Hmm… Wait A Minute…

39. Malachai

38. Farmer McGinty

Not super folksy for a farmer, imo.

37. Chic

36. Byrdie

35. Sierra McCoy

Sierra McCoy sounds less like a person and more like a type of endangered tree. “Excuse me. You’re going to have to move your tent. This campsite is home to one of the last ten Sierra McCoys in North America.”

34. Coach Kleats

33. Moose Mason

32. Monica Posh

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (Gotta get with my friends).”

31. Dr. Curdle

If I discovered my physician’s name was Dr. Curdle, I’d just let the disease win and call it a life.

30. Aunt Cricket

Pop culture’s third favorite cricket.

Tier 3: Was There A Gas Leak At Pop’s Diner?

29. Lenny “The Butcher” Kowalski

Want to create your very own Riverdale character name? It’s easy! Just choose a type of pasta and combine it with a body of water. Meet the newest and sexiest member of the Ghoulies: Fusilli Lagoon.

28. Principal Featherhead

27. Alice Cooper

26. Mustang

25. Junkyard Steve

100% chance that the writing team just forgot to name this character and some production assistant wrote down “Junkyard Steve” and mailed it to IMDB, which is how I assume Hollywood works.

24. Mad Dog

23. Sweet Pea

22/21. Dagwood & Juniper

Naming a child Dagwood or Juniper is literally the worst thing you could do to a baby. Wait…

Right. Forgot about that. You know what? I stand by my previous statement.

20. Pop Tate

Let’s take a second to celebrate the most beloved man in Riverdale: Pop Tate.

Tier 2: Names That Sound Like You Forced Dr. Seuss To Take Five Shots Of Whiskey, Made Him Spin Around In A Circle For 60 Seconds, And Then Said, “Give Me 10 TV Character Names Or The Lorax Sleeps With The One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.”

19. Small Fry Boucher

18. Slender Man

17. The Sugarman

16. Ethel Muggs

The above photo of Archie has nothing to do with Ethel Muggs, but what a beautiful moment in pop culture history.

15. Midge Klump

14. Principal Waldo Weatherbee

Time for round two of “Create Your Very Own Riverdale Character!”

Try taking a state capital, combining it with a nickname of a popular ’90s Major League Baseball player, and adding a type of fish. Meet Riverdale’s new star quarterback: Montgomery “Wild Thing” Mackerel.

13. The Snake Charmer (Penny Peabody)

12. Dilton Doiley

11. Jughead and Jellybean Jones

I understand that Archie Comics have been around since the dawn of time, but, objectively, Jughead is a ridiculous name. If, and if anybody at The CW reads this article WHEN, I take over Riverdale, every new character Jughead meets will comment on his name, because THAT’S HOW THE WORLD WORKS.

If some high school kid who was trying to solve one of the 1,000s of murders in my town told me his name was Mason Jar, I’d at the very least be like, “Could you repeat that, bud?” or say, “that’s a fun name” before giving him the deed to a haunted house or whatever the hell he needed to solve the murder mystery du jour.

Tier 1: Playing Mad Libs After Drinking Magic 8-Ball Goo, And Uh-Oh, That Ogre That’s Been Following Us Has Definitely Just Cast A Spooky Spell.

10. The Gargoyle King

INT. BURBANK, CALIFORNIA — MORNING

CW President Mark Pedowitz takes a long, satisfying sip of coffee and begins to type an email to Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa.

“Hey, Roberto! What’s up? Question. Have you ever seen Stranger Things on Netflix? I was thinking, wouldn’t it be neat if Jughead and Betty…



9. Ben Button

Okay, at this point you’re just trolling us, Riverdale.

8. Fangs Fogarty

At least this meets the basic criteria of a collection of letters that work together to form something slightly resembling an actual human being name.

7. Baby Teeth

What? This is either brilliant or psychotic.

6. Hog Eye

No.

5. War Baby

Absolutely not.

4/3. Evelyn and Edgar Evernever

Evernever have I ever… created a plausible character name?

2. Tall Boy

I don’t know what happens when we die. Heaven? Hell? Whatever happened during the final season of Lost? Nobody can say with any amount of credible certainty. But the fact that the name “Tall Boy” exists puts one extra check mark in the heaven category for this old cynic.

Tall Boy — a full-grown badass biker man who was referred to as a boy — has provided me with endless amounts of joy.

Solid burn, Juggy. Solid burn.

Every now and then, not often, maybe once or twice an hour, I look up at the sky and wonder if anyone else in the world is looking at the same exact spot and also thinking “Why is Riverdale like this?”

1. Poppa Poutine

“And this charming fellow is Poppa Poutine. He owns a chain of hot dog restaurants in Quebec, which is why you never heard of him.”

Odd that his last name is Poutine since he’s in the hot dog game, but I suppose Poppa Hot Dog would’ve been a bridge too far? I don’t know. That line of dialogue is, and I say this without a hint of hyperbole, more beautiful than the Mona Lisa. It should be hanging next to Starry Night inside the hallowed halls of The Museum of Modern Art.

Thank you, Riverdale. You are pure television treasure.

Where to stream Riverdale