Chapter 30.

I wake up as I feel the first rays of sunlight filtering through my eyelids and warming up my skin. I shift a little, still not opening my eyes, and feel a naked body pressed against mine, as well as more than a few strands of hair ticking my nose and neck. I sigh in contentment, enjoying the feeling for just a few moments more. The rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, the soft snores that come out of her mouth, the comforting warmth radiating off her skin… I really wished I could wake up like this every morning, for the rest of our lives.

But then again, that won't happen unless I somehow convince her to accept my almost-suicidal plan. Which, let's be honest, will be very difficult. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about the true extent of the Ice Queen's powers. But then again, keeping that sort of information from the monarch can be rather dangerous.

Shifting uncomfortably, I sit up, finding that the big and luxurious bed isn't enough for me to stop feeling restless, and that even Anna's body heat isn't enough to combat the ice creeping into my heart. But that's okay. I should go now anyways; wouldn't want anyone to find me naked in bed with the Queen, after all.

But a glance at the clock tells me it's still early, and so I take my time dressing, hoping Anna will wake up soon so I can give her a good morning kiss before we part ways for our daily routine. As I dress, I take the time to appreciate Anna's room, since yesterday I couldn't because it was dark (and because I had more interesting things to admire).

The window is triangular, as with most in this castle, and it lets in a good amount of light, even this early in the morning, which makes me wonder how Anna still hasn't woken up. The wallpaper is pink with lilac floral designs, resembling Arendelle's crocus. Her bed is white, with Arendelle's sigil painted in bright colors, but the sheets and covers are a bright pink. She also has a wooden floor and there are a couple of carpets with intricate designs laying on the ground. The furniture is carved in elaborate shapes, with the nightstand and the vanity even having golden incrustations on the drawers' handles. All in all, everything looks really expensive, including the vase of flowers and the tea set. Even more so than the stuff I have in my room. Truly fit for a Queen.

I wished Anna had brought me here sooner. It's really beautiful.

I sit down in front of the vanity in order to get my hair done, since Anna left it a mess last night, but as I start braiding it, I notice in the mirror something rather interesting. It's a portrait, hanging from the wall next to Anna's bed. And not just any portrait; it's a portrait depicting the royal family of Arendelle: a very young-looking Anna, perhaps six or seven years old, and her parents.

And just now I realize that I haven't really seen a picture of them. Like, ever. Seriously, why are there no paintings of them in this castle? Or maybe there are, but in the royal wing… which I haven't had access to before.

The curiosity takes the best of me, and I carefully approach to the work of art in question, taking care to not make any noise so I don't wake up Anna. Why? I don't know, I feel like I'm somehow invading her privacy. Which is ridiculous, I know, it's not like I'm not allowed to see this portrait, but still. I just have this weird sensation at the pit of my stomach.

I first fix my eyes on the small version of Anna, since she's always the first thing I notice, no matter the context. She looks cute, with that big goofy smile so characteristic of her, and her round cheeks that I'd love to pinch, and those pigtails… wait. Pigtails? Haven't I seen her like this before? Wasn't it during a dream, just after Rapunzel's goodbye ball? Weird. How could I have imagined her so accurately? Maybe I saw her before I was exiled. It wouldn't be that farfetched; she was the princess, after all.

Then I look at her father. A rather imposing figure standing proudly next to his wife and daughter. He's tall, with a healthy complexion, wearing a blue military suit and a few medals. He has copper hair and a well-trimmed mustache, and is wearing a big golden crown on his head. His expression is… strict, and serious, even in this picture. Really, this is just how I imagined the former king. And there's also the sensation I'd seen him before, but I don't dwell too much on it; just staring at his face for more than two seconds is making me anxious for some reason. And angry. And sad.

I guess there are too many negative things associated with the late king on my mind.

My eyes then wander to Anna's mother, who is holding Anna as she sits on her lap. She also looks… familiar. Like, way too familiar. Her features are soft and delicate, her gentle smile doesn't quite reach her sad eyes, her skin is pale, her eyes are blue, and her body completion is quite similar to mine. Actually, staring at this portrait, I realize Anna's mother looks almost like a carbon copy of me, only with brown hair.

A chill runs down my spine at the thought, as I finally recognize the woman in the portrait.

Mom.

Just that single word, thought inside my head, is enough for my head to start spinning to the point I think I'll faint. I wished I could deny it, say it must be just my mind playing tricks on me, but it's unmistakable. Now that I see her, I remember.

I remember how she'd hug me close when I was scared or stressed. I remember how she'd sing and read stories to me when I couldn't sleep. I remember her bringing me chocolates when I was feeling down. I remember her laughing with me, playing with me, and… with Anna. My sister.

My sister. My SISTER.

Suddenly, I feel something rising inside my throat, burning it. Like I'm about to throw up.

Because yes. Just last night, I made love with my sister. I made love to her. In this bed. Next to a portrait of our parents.

Oh, god!

Horrified, I run out of the room. I don't think I'll be able to face Anna right now, or ever, for that matter. What can I even say to her? "Hey, guess what? We're sisters, so remember all the times we kissed, and cuddled and had sex? Well, let's just forget those happened, and have a normal sisterly relationship!"

Yeah, I don't think so.

But I don't think I could kiss her again either. Heck I don't think I could even hold her hand without feeling guilty and freaking out.

But how am I going to tell her? Would she even believe me? What if she thinks I want her throne? I mean, technically I am the legitimate Queen.

Plus, I don't want her to feel this. This pain, this horror, this devastation and repulsion that feels like it's eating me alive. It's consuming my entrails, like a raging fire expanding slowly, agonizingly, from my chest and towards my limbs, leaving my whole body feeling numb, and empty, but in pain at the same time. It's a darkness that clouds my mind and threatens to consume my consciousness.

I don't even know where I'm going. Even when I blast open a door and freeze it closed behind me, only to drop down and hug my legs closely as I sob.

When did I even start to cry? When did it start to snow? When did everything turn white? And why does this room look so… familiar? Have I… been in this situation before? Curled up in the ground, consumed by feelings of sorrow and despair, freezing everything around me against my will…

Yes. Yes, I remember. I remember that night, how could I forget it? Even with everything I have endured since then, it was still the worst night of my entire life.

I'm sobbing so hard my whole body trembles. I'm hugging my legs like I'm trying to keep myself from falling apart. I don't think I'm even breathing at this point, and I feel like I'll faint at any second.

But I don't even care. Because the person I love most in the world could die. Maybe she's already dead. And it's all my fault.

I can't stop replaying that moment in my head. When Anna jumped, I panicked, tried to stop her, and then… when my ice struck her head and she fell unconscious. When her hair turned white, her skin sickly pale, and her lips purple with cold.

I will also never forget the horrified faces of my parents. Their scared eyes. The trembling on my mother's lips as she held Anna and noticed she was ice cold. How my father could barely bare to look at me.

I'm a monster. All ice-wielders are. I didn't want to believe it, despite everyone else being so sure about it. I knew they had reasons to think like that, but I never… I thought I wasn't like them. I didn't want to believe I was like them. I wanted to think I was good, that my magic was really the beautiful miracle Anna always saw it as. But no. I'm a monster.

Now I'll probably be exiled… or executed.

Suddenly, I hear the lock turning and quickly get up, backing away from the door as I look wearily at it, wondering who it is. Most likely mom or dad, since almost no one else knows of my existence anyways. Maybe they'll tell me how Anna is doing, maybe there are good news! Or… maybe papa is here to take me to the Northern Lands.

The door finally opens and father walks in, wearing a sad and tired expression, probably resembling my own.

"Elsa." He tries to give me a reassuring smile, but it ends up looking like a grimace. I just look expectantly at him, trying to calm down my sobs as I wait for his next words. "Anna is… well…" He hesitates, obviously not wanting to give me the bad news yet, but the expression on his face says it all. "She's still unconscious." I just nod sadly in acknowledgement before wiping the tears from my eyes. I had figured out as much.

He then falls silent as he starts looking around my room and finds it resembling a frozen wasteland. Frost crawls everywhere on the walls and ceiling, the freshly-fallen snow has covered pretty much all the floor and furniture, and the temperature is so low he's visibly shivering and his breath comes out in white clouds of mist

"How did it happen?" He asks, a flash of fear appearing in his eyes.

"I-I…" I'm interrupted by a hiccup, but I try to regain my composure long enough to respond. "Anna came, she wanted to build a snowman." I sigh, already knowing what papa will say. I shouldn't use my powers. Ever. And now I see why. "We started playing, and then…" I sob, reminiscing again the traumatic event. "I'm sorry, papa. It was an accident!"

"You struck her head with your powers, didn't you?" He asks, sounding disappointed more than angry. It still hurts deeply to hear the accusation.

"Y-yes." I whimper, closing my eyes as I can't bear looking at his eyes after what I did. "T-then her hair turned white a-and…" I'm interrupted by my sobs once again, feeling the despair growing inside of me. Fearing papa will hate me now. That mom will too. That Anna will be afraid of me… if she even wakes up.

"I see." He sighs. "Elsa, I don't believe I need to remind you why what you did was wrong." He says, his tone of voice turning strict. "You shall remain alone in here until the situation is solved. I don't think it's safe for you to be near anyone else right now."

When he exits the room and closes the door, I collapse to my knees and continue crying. I know he's right, I know I'm dangerous now more than ever, as I unwillingly create a blizzard inside my room. Yet, as I keep sobbing, lying in the snow in a fetal position, I wish he, or mom, or someone, was here with me.

"Elsa. Elsa, wake up." I hear papa's voice calling me as I stir awake. It's been days since the incident with Anna, and in all that time, I've remained inside my room. Alone. Not that I'm not already used to it, but normally mom, or dad, or Gerda would visit. And Anna would spend the afternoon with me, telling me all she did during the day and asking to play with me.

"Papa?" I ask as I look around and notice it's still dark outside. Yet papa is dressed up like a royal guard, with a cloak covering most of his face.

"Come on, get dressed. We need to go." He answers.

"Where?" I ask, confused.

"Obey." It's his sole response as he turns around to go make guard by the door. And of course he's the king, and my father, and I have no choice but to do what he says and swallow the tons of questions that still plague my mind.

Once I've put on the clothes he left for me in my bed (just a humble blue dress, too simple to be worn by proper royalty), he leads me out of my room and around the palace. It's weird. Even if it is my home, I've never truly been able to see much of it, and now, in the middle of the night, it's more foreign to me than ever.

By now I have no doubt where he's taking me. I've always known this moment would come sooner rather than later, but it still hurts, and frost starts appearing under my shoes.

Soon we get to the stables and we both mount papa's horse, before we're off galloping at maximum speed. Going north.

Maybe I should be relishing on the first time I've seen the outside world. The first time I've felt the breeze hitting my face as I actually ride a horse. The first time seeing the vast fjord of Arendelle from somewhere other than my room's window. But I have too many questions.

"How's Anna?" I ask, trying to turn around to look at my father, but even then the cloak obscures his features.

"She woke up." Is all he says. I would jump from happiness and excitement if he didn't have such a somber tone of voice.

"And?" I press.

"She… lost her memory." He admits after a pause, sounding rather defeated. I wince as I feel a metaphorical stab of my heart. I did that to her? She doesn't remember me? "That's why…" He pauses, unwilling to finish that thought. Yet, I can easily deduce what he wanted to say. That's why we're here now. That's why he's exiling me.

I stay silent after that. I want to ask too many things, to beg for him not to exile me. To ask to at least see mom once again, to be able to say goodbye to Anna. But I know I'm in no position to say anything. I'm but an ice-wielder child that almost killed the crowned princess of Arendelle, and made her lose her memory in the process. The only reason he's not executing me is because I'm his daughter. I should be grateful. I shouldn't be crying desperately. I shouldn't be making it snow.

A few hours pass, and I fall in and out of sleep, too tired because of how much I've cried to stay awake. When we finally stop, we are in a somewhat snowy valley surrounded by tall trees that look dark in the moonless night. The lack of light isn't helping much, but I can still see a man waiting for us, dressed in full-body armor, but wearing a thick cloak over his shoulders. He's tall and broad, with a grey beard and an unfriendly expression.

"Your majesty." He bows.

"General. You got my letter." Papa answers as he descends from the horse, leaving me sitting alone on the saddle. "No one else knows about this, right?"

"Of course. And I swear on my honor that I won't tell a soul." The man responds, looking briefly at me.

"Good." Papa then turns around and takes me in his arms, helping me get off the horse. I'm too scared to even say a word. I don't see the wall anywhere nearby, so maybe… no, he wouldn't do that, right? I glance nervously at the old man's sword.

"Elsa." Papa's hand comes to rest on my shoulder as he kneels in front of me. From what little I can discern from his face, I'd say he looks rather apologetic. "I… I'm sorry." His voice cracks a little. "I wished it hadn't come to this, but… it's for the best, I promise." He then hugs me, but I'm too stunned to react beyond leaning into the warmth this rare show of affection brings me. "I wish… " He gulps, sounding like he's at the verge of tears. "I wish someday you can forgive me."

"P-papa?" Is all I'm able to stutter out through the lump on my throat.

"I'm sorry." He repeats, pulling me closer and holding me there for a second as sobs start shaking his body. I don't even know how to react. Papa is crying! He's always so strong, and strict, and collected, and… I don't think my mind can fully process the fact that he is, indeed, crying as he hugs me.

"Your majesty, we must hurry. It's not safe here." The other man calls him, effectively making papa let go of me.

"I know." He says in a strangled voice before getting up and taking a step away from me, assuming a stoic position. "Please, do what you must."

The man nods and comes to take my hand before starting to walk away, dragging me along. I think that's when it finally hits me what's happening. I was in shock until now, but… I'm truly getting exiled! I'm being sent to a land full of dangerous people with evil powers. I'm never going to see papa, or mama, or Anna ever again!

"Papa!" I call to him, crying torrents and fighting against the grip of the soldier that's dragging me away from him, but he remains still, just watching me being taken away. The pain on my chest intensifies greatly at this, and I fight harder, struggling to return to him. "Papa, please! Don't leave me!" I plead once more, but he doesn't move.

"I'm sorry." He says, and it sounds like he's crying too. "Goodbye, Elsa."

"Papa!" I scream once again, ice bursting from my fingertips in an attempt to get away from my captor. But then I feel a strong pain in the side of my head, and I start to lose consciousness. I fight against the darkness, yet it still consumes me against my will. The last thing I see before passing out, is papa wiping his tears as he turns around and leaves me behind.

"Elsa? Elsa!" Anna's voice pulls me out of my traumatic memories, as well as the banging on the door I'm leaning in. "Elsa, are you okay?! It's freezing out here."

The worried tone of her voice compels me to respond, even when she's the last person I want to deal with right now.

"I'm fine. Just a memory." I answer between hiccups and sobs. "G-go. I need to be a-alone."

"You have a girlfriend. You're never going to be alone!"

"Please, Anna." I sigh, hugging my legs closer.

"Being alone won't help you thawing the ice! We've been over this!" She answers, stubborn as always. "Come on, just…"

"No!" I answer, more loudly than intended, a blast of ice unintentionally shooting out of my hands and covering the walls in even more frost. "I just…"

But before I can finish what I'm saying, a loud bang shakes the door, like Anna is trying to open the door by kicking it. Scared, I get up and back away from it.

"Anna? What are you doing?" I panic.

"You're being too stubborn!" Is her sole answer as she keeps kicking the door. My ice holds up for now, but a few cracks are starting to appear, so I quickly search for something in the room to help me make a better blockade, but before I can even grab one of the chairs, my ice crumbles and Anna storms in, stumbling from the force it took her to push past the locked door.

"Anna…" I start, but I'm promptly interrupted when she pulls me into a tight embrace, hugging me like her life depended on it. Instantly, her warmth invades my body, fighting against my natural cold and breaking down my barriers. Unwillingly, I let myself lean into her, enjoying our closeness even if my feelings for her remain unclear.

"See? The ice has started to melt." She comments happily, but I can't even look up to corroborate her words. I'm still fighting against my own emotions, confused about my feelings for the woman I now hold in my arms.

Do I feel like this with her because I'm still in love with her? Or because she's my long-lost sister I wanted to see again for so long? Is it disgusting if I relish on the contact? Or is it just sisterly love?

None of that matters. It's Anna, and I should cherish every moment with her while it lasts. Because this surely won't last forever. I have to tell her, and when I do… everything will fall apart.

Edit: I just removed a paragraph.