If you’re aching for more oral sex from your partner but also mildly petrified at the thought of, you know, asking for it, one of the best things you can do is get advice from someone who knows what they’re talking about. Hi, I’m someone who knows what I’m talking about. As a professional sex coach and educator, I’m disheartened by the number of people I hear from—typically those with vaginas who identify as women—who don’t have as much oral sex as they want, don’t know how to ask for it, don’t even feel they have a right to want it, or some combination of all three.

I get how freaky it can be for some people to bring this up with a partner. Asking to be sexually fulfilled in a specific way can feel incredibly vulnerable. But the very vulnerability that comes with asking for what you want from your partner can make sex so much more satisfying for both of you. To that end, here are my four best tips for asking for more oral sex.

1. Think about not just what you want but why you want it.

Before having this conversation, determine what you’re craving physically and emotionally from oral sex so you can better convey that information to your partner. (Or, if you haven’t had much oral sex, what you think you might love about it.) This goes back to my good-sex ground rule of telling your partner how you want to feel in bed. Important note: It's totally fine for your "why" to be as simple as: "Because it feels good, and I want to feel good!" The key is just being able to articulate—both to yourself and your partner—exactly what you're craving more of in your sex life.

Your partner is not a mind reader. They won’t necessarily know that licking counterclockwise circles on your clitoris gives you full-body chills or that a combination of G-spot and clitoral stimulation makes you feel possessed (in a good way). They won’t magically realize that you’d be so much more into penetration if they warmed you up with some intense oral first. They won’t immediately know if one of the times you feel most loved, accepted, and desired is when they’re going down on you—unless you tell them. And you might not fully realize all of that unless you really think about how to put your love of oral into words.

2. Try to move past any shame you might have about asking for oral sex.

As you may have experienced, people with vaginas generally receive the message to be ashamed of their bodies and sexualities. Instead they are told the goal during sex is to focus on the other person’s needs, especially if that other person has a penis and identifies as a man.

If you’re mortified about your body or your desire for oral sex, it’s basically impossible to relax, allow the focus to be on your pleasure, and ask for even more pleasure on top of that.

I know that eradicating shame from your sex life is so much easier said than done. But I also know that this hard work is worth it.

Remind yourself that, as a human being, it’s completely natural to want sex. Good sex, at that. This doesn’t make you bad or dirty. And needing someone’s face right up in your vagina? Also great and normal. (It’s completely fine if that’s not your thing. The problem is when that aversion is rooted in shame.)