Sam Gunderson, 27, had the nerve to alienate all of her friends and move to Anoka last summer and will not stop trying to use up whatever goodwill she has left to insist they visit. “ I don’t live that far away!” She’ll insist in their group message. Sam will go on to say that “it’s only a half-hour by interstate if we meet after 10 pm and all of the exits are open and you speed a little!!!” Sam never does seem to grasp that all of her friends are too polite to tell her to her face that they simply do not want to go there. Sam, meanwhile, does not give up. “ There’s so much free parking!”

Sam’s friends later agreed to meet up, as long as it was in a bar that wasn’t in fucking Anoka, and Sam relented after few more passive-aggressive messages. When everyone was there, instead of asking about someone’s day or what everyone’s hopes and dreams were, Sam started soapboxing about Anoka again.

“You know,” she said, leaning in. “There’s a lot to do in Anoka. And the drinks are cheap”. Sam takes a huge gulp from her glass,“Did you know it’s the Halloween Capital of the World?”

Her friends shook their heads. They clearly didn’t believe her. “No, I swear!” Her eye started to twitch. “We can drive by the house Michele Bachmann grew up in! There’s just SO MUCH to do!” Sam has not been spotted since her visit to the bar. Probably because she lives in fucking Anoka.