FADE IN:

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE

PAUL BETTANY and some COPS are watching a HOTEL.

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

Everyone get ready.

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE leaves the hotel and WALKS AROUND.

CUE: VAGUELY SEXYISH KINDA-SUSPENSFUL EURO-THRILLER-ESQUE MUSIC

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

All units commence walking after Angelina Jolie.

The COPS WALK behind ANGELINA as she WALKS AROUND. Finally ANGELINA JOLIE finishes WALKING AROUND and sits down at a RESTAURANT.

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

Everyone switch over from Walk Around to Watch Quietly mode.

(pause)

God, what nail-biting suspense! Is everyone riveted yet?

WAITER

(approaching ANGELINA)

Excuse me, miss.

(pause)

I have a letter for you.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(reading)

"My darling."

(pause)

"In great danger."

(pause)

"I have instructions you must follow. So that you don't forget, make sure to repeat them in voiceover at least twenty times."

(pause)

"And it couldn't hurt to get some other characters to say it aloud later on, in case the audience slept through this part which, I'm guessing, is a distinct possibility."

ANGELINA begins to BURN THE LETTER.

PAUL BETTANY

(observing)

Hey, she's burning it! Stop her!

COPS

Huh? What? Everyone has lapsed into a deep coma, this is so boring.

ANGELINA walks away from the RESTAURANT. COPS walk AFTER HER. Everyone WALKS FOR A BIT. Finally she WALKS somewhere SNEAKY and the COPS have to just STOP and LITERALLY JAM THEIR ENTIRE HEADS UP THEIR OWN ASSHOLES.

PAUL BETTANY

Damn.

(pause)

At least I retrieved the charred fragments of the letter. Sure, it's in tiny burnt fragments only millimetres wide, and mixed in with napkin shards, but with my magical computer and Godlike pattern recognition skills I'll decipher it in no time.

(does so)

Hey, everyone! She's planning to catch a train. Also, she apparently calculates only an 8% tip and had a real tough time deciphering this morning's Jumble puzzle.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN

ANGELINA JOLIE finds JOHNNY DEPP on the TRAIN.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Hello.

(pause)

Is this seat taken?

JOHNNY DEPP

No.

(pause)

Please have it.

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

Thank you.

(pause)

I should make it clear, I'm only sitting with you because I'm following instructions from my fugitive lover to find a decoy for him.

(pause)

Does that bother you?

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Why should it?

(pause)

Aside from the fact it would kind of freak out any normal person. Who wasn't actually your fugitive lover in disguise, that is.

(pause)

Not that that's relevant.

PASSENGER #1

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

I'm impressed you're smoking on this non-smoking train.

JOHNNY DEPP

Ah, it's actually a fake cigarette.

(pause)

Look, it emits water vapour and has a little light at the end.

(pause)

I hope you find this fucking fascinating because I am going to go on and on and on about this goddamn fake cigarette that has nothing to do with anything.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

That's OK, I'm going to make you ask me to dinner eight thousand times until you get the exact phrasing absolutely spot on to the last goddamn syllable.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION

TIMOTHY DALTON

Paul, you suck. Remind me why you've been leisurely following Angelina Jolie around.

PAUL BETTANY

Because her lover was a Mob accountant named Alexander Pierce who somehow stole eleventy-twelve thousand crapjillion dollars, remember?

TIMOTHY DALTON

Obviously I do, but the audience didn't.

(pause)

Now go away, because you suck.

CUT TO:

EXT. VENICE PATIO RESTAURANT

JOHNNY and ANGELINA are HAVING DINNER.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Isn't this a fine restaurant.

(pause)

JOHNNY DEPP

Yes.

(pause)

Utterly nothing at all happens in this whole scene, does it.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

That's correct.

(pause)

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

(falls asleep)

(pause)

(dreams events of entire Iliad in super slo-motion)

(pause)

(wakes up)

(pause)

Perhaps I'll ramble on about my fake cigarette some more.

WAITER

OH SWEET JESUS NO

(garrottes self)

RUFUS SEWELL

(in background)

Hey, maybe I'M Alexander Pierce!

(fools nobody)

CUT TO:

INT. ANGELINA'S LUSCIOUS VENICE HOTEL, AND NO, THAT'S NOT A EUPHEMISM, GEEZ

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

Johnny, please have a drink.

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Thank you.

(pause)

(has drink)

(drink is eventually absorbed into bloodstream)

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

Now come to the balcony with me.

(pause)

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Why?

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

I must kiss you to fool the 24,000 people spying on us.

(kisses JOHNNY)

(pause)

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

(dies)

(decomposes)

(is reincarnated as prehistoric sponge)

(generations of sponges evolve into Johnny Depp again)

(pause)

(pause)

My goodness.

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

Now we must sleep in separate rooms, to completely shatter the illusion we have just given to all those people I mentioned.

(pause)

Good night.

(pause)

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Good

(pause)

nigh

(pause)

t.

JOHNNY goes to SLEEP and DREAMS ABOUT TOTALLY BONING ANGELINA.

JOHNNY DEPP

(creaming himself)

Ohhgawwwwd!!!!

MAID

Oh, good morning to you too, Edward Jizzerhands. I'm really looking forward to soaking those sheets for ten hours to get Benny & Spooge out of them.

JOHNNY DEPP

Whuh?

(pause)

Where's Angelina?

MAID

She left without any explanation. Sorry.

JOHNNY DEPP

Again, any normal tourist with no ulterior motives would be totally weirded out by all of this, yet strangely I am not.

(pause)

Well, off to clean up.

Gradually RUSSIAN MOBSTERS walk in.

RUSSIAN MOBSTER #1

Not so languidly, Johnny!

JOHNNY DEPP

Don't you mean, "not so fast"?

RUSSIAN MOBSTER #1

Not in THIS fucking movie. Anyway, we believe you to be Alexander Pierce, who stole half the Earth's money from our boss, and we are here to kidnap you.

JOHNNY DEPP

Guess I'll just go out the window then.

JOHNNY comically SKITTERS across the ROOFTOP made of HARD TERRACOTTA TILE in his BARE FEET AND PYJAMAS while the MOBSTERS RUN AFTER HIM IN SHOES.

JOHNNY DEPP

How the fuck are you not catching up to me?

RUSSIAN MOBSTER #2

We have to stop and take three big steps back whenever the camera's not on us.

After some more SILLY CHASING, JOHNNY CLEVERLY ESCAPES by FALLING FROM A THREE-STOREY DROP and LANDING ONTO A STONE SURFACE with his FACE.

JOHNNY DEPP

Phew, what a lucky escape.

(pause)

Today's a tough day to be... the Tourist.

JASON STATHAM AS THE MECHANIC

(floating past on gondola)

Careful now.

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Sorry.

The POLICE ARREST JOHNNY DEPP on two counts of having STUPID HAIR.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION

JOHNNY DEPP

I'd like to take this opportunity to deliver the one and only joke in this whole movie.

HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS

Good enough for us! Here's your Best Musical/Comedy Golden Globe nomination!

CUT TO:

EXT. VENICE AT NIGHT

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

I'm sure it's standard police procedure for one cop to drag me out alone in the dead of night, then handcuff me to this boat so he can go accept money from those Russian mobsters who were trying to kidnap me earlier. No need to worry.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pulling alongside)

Johnny! I magically knew exactly how both you and the bad guys would be positioned in order to appear at just the right moment. Let me tow you to safety!

RUSSIAN MOBSTERS

Hey, stop escaping from us.

JOHNNY DEPP

Looks like we'll have a boat chase now. Too bad that because of the very strict real-life laws in Venice about water-speeding this will have to be the absolute very slowest boat chase scene in the history of film.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Don't worry. Next to the glacial pace of the rest of this snoozefest it'll seem like the Indy fucking 500.

They GET AWAY.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

Well, now that we've travelled almost three blocks, time to abandon you in this wide open public space where you can be easily spotted.

(pause)

Goodbye.

She DRIVES OFF.

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

(ice caps melt, flooding entire Earth)

(tectonic shift opens new fissures in ocean floor)

(fissures eventually take in enough water to reverse flooding)

(pause)

But...

(realizes Angelina is long gone)

Stupid literal glacial pace.

CUT TO:

INT. SECRET AGENT HQ

ANGELINA JOLIE

Surprise! I was British Intelligence all along!

PAUL BETTANY

Wow, that's silly. Don't tell me I have to do the "you were supposed to spy on him, not fall in love with him" speech now.

(reads script, sighs)

I guess I do. Geez, didn't you just get that speech in "Salt"? Not to mention "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and "Wanted" and...

ANGELINA JOLIE

Look, "Falling For the Guy You're Spying On" was my major in acting school, alright?

PAUL BETTANY

Fine. You may as well join us in our big Fancy Ball Sting Operation this evening.

ANGELINA JOLIE

To help you catch Alexander Pierce?

PAUL BETTANY

Partly that. But mostly because half the audience is only here to see you wear a bunch of expensive clothes in the first place, so SOMEONE might as well go home happy.

CUT TO:

INT. FANCY BALL

ANGELINA JOLIE

I'm certain that one of the men in a black tuxedo is in fact Alexander Pierce!

(pause)

Crap, that's everybody.

JOHNNY DEPP

(arriving)

Except me, in my WHITE tux.

(pause)

So clearly there's no way I'm really Alexander Pierce.

(pause)

Not that anyone was thinking that.

PAUL BETTANY

Oh, enough of your coy bullshit!

(cuffs Johnny)

Now just stay out of the way while Angelina and I...

(looks around)

...where'd she go?

OTHER COP

(emerging from deep trance)

Oh, the Russians got her.

(loses will to live)

JOHNNY DEPP

Suppose I'll just have to escape from these handcuffs and scale a large wall to rescue her.

(does so)

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

Sooo... that's it, right? That was the big reveal? No ordinary tourist who's just a mild-mannered teacher could do that, so the big secret's out, yes?

(reads script)

...Oh fuck off, we have to keep pretending otherwise? Fuck this! I'm out of here.

(storms out of movie)

CUT TO:

INT. EXPENSIVE ROOM WITH A WALL SAFE IN IT, BECAUSE HOW ELSE WOULD YOU KNOW WE MADE A SNAZZY EURO-THRILLER UNLESS WE HAD A SECRET WALL SAFE IN AN EXPENSIVE ROOM

PAUL BERKOFF and the RUSSIANS are holding ANGELINA JOLIE PRISONER as JOHNNY DEPP enters.

PAUL BERKOFF

Welcome, Johnny. Or should I say, Alexander.

JOHNNY DEPP

You should, because now I'm asking people to believe that I'm merely pretending to be him to save Angelina, but I'm still really not.

PAUL BERKOFF

Well, the real Alexander Pierce has an English accent. I'm sure you can oblige?

JOHNNY DEPP

(in Jack Sparrow voice)

No troubles, matey, I can parlay in British, you savvy?

(pause; in regular voice)

Aw crap.

PAUL BERKOFF

Well there is one other way to prove it. Open Alexander Pierce's safe, or I'll kill you both.

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Open the safe?

(pause)

Very well, I will.

(pause)

Here I go now.

(pause)

Yup, this is me, going to open the safe.

(pause)

(pause)

Have I shown you my fake cigarette?

TIMOTHY DALTON

(barging in)

IT IS TIME FOR THIS SHIT TO END!!!

(kills Russians, leaves)

JOHNNY DEPP

My my.

(pause)

I guess all that's left to do is finally have the mind-boggling reveal. I am in fact...

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

(humanity develops interstellar travel)

(descendants of humanity colonize new worlds in far-off galaxies)

(Sun explodes)

(Thanks to Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planet Development, newly colonized world mirrors Earth history exactly, leading up to previous pause)

(pause)

...Alexander Pierce.

PERSON IN SECOND ROW WHO IS EXPERIENCING A FICTIONAL PRESENTATION IN ANY MEDIUM FOR THE FIRST TIME

(brain explodes)

ANGELINA JOLIE

So you're the accountant everyone is after. The accountant who also somehow has crazy secret agent powers for no reason that anyone's ever mentioned.

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Yes.

(pause)

Not that they need to. It's patently clear that anyone with a cool name like "Alexander Pierce" must be overflowing with awesomeness.

(pause)

In fact, anyone having a name even vaguely resembling "Alexander Pierce" would still be so awesome that...

ANGELINA JOLIE

(girl, interrupting)

Fine, I'll let that go. But that still doesn't explain the biggest mystery of all.

JOHNNY DEPP

Which is?

(pause)

...please make this some kind of punchline so we can go home...

ANGELINA JOLIE

How people actually thought I might be leaving Brad Pitt because of this turdbucket movie.

JOHNNY DEPP

NICE!

(high-fives ANGELINA)

END