The Mill’s January transfer totaliser, a rudimentary device made of tin cans, gaffer tape and a Casio DF120 calculator, has been gathering dust - and we blame the big six. The Premier League’s leading sextet have spent £40,000 between them this month, if you don’t count Gabriel Jesus joining Manchester City, which you shouldn’t. Arsenal’s budget move for Cohen Bramall harks back to a simpler time when add-ons amounted to a set of training cones and social media was no more than a dystopian vision from the mind of JG Ballard.

Which brings us neatly on to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s Instagram account, where the absence of Mesut Özil from snaps of a team night out has moistened brows across north London. Frantic Arsenal fans can take comfort from the words of Samuel Umtiti, who reckons France team-mate Alexandre Lacazette is “waiting for the right time” to hop aboard the Trans-Euro Do One Express to St Pancras. Fancy some more third-hand information? Antoine Griezmann’s brother has tweeted a photo of Old Trafford, a cast-iron guarantee that the Atlético forward is off to Manchester United.

Liverpool are the big guns most likely to trouble the totaliser before it’s packed away next week, with Jürgen Klopp keeping one eye on Bayer Leverkusen winger Julian Brandt, and the other on Sporting midfielder William Carvalho. One player going nowhere is Philippe Coutinho, who has signed a contract extension to be filed under ‘bumper’. Also staying in the north-west: Anthony Martial, who won’t be going out on loan dressed like that, and City manager Pep Guardiola, who is ready to sign up for an additional 24 months of drizzle, misery and Geoff Shreeves.

Crystal Palace’s Sam Allardyce is fast becoming the Premier League’s own Les McQueen, getting the Sunderland band back together by bringing in Patrick van Aanholt and Yann M’Vila, and offering a trial to Christopher Samba. While Big Sam looks up Ivan Campo and Youri Djorkaeff on LinkedIn, fellow basement battlers Hull and Swansea are tussling over Internazionale’s Andrea Ranocchia. Hull also like the look of Genk starlet Leon Bailey, and are plotting a £10m swoop before the big boys get wise.

Chelsea’s Antonio Conte believes he can bellow some end product into Middlesbrough’s Adama Traoré, but may have to wait until summer; the winger has already played for Aston Villa and Boro this season. Ross McCormack’s return to Fulham from Villa has also hit a couple of snags. First, those pesky barriers at New Street station; second, his former team-mates don’t fancy having him back. Another move stalling is Patrice Evra’s switch to Marseille, with the security of Evra’s family in the city reportedly a fairly significant stumbling block.

Also eyeing the exit door at Juventus is Dani Alves, who only just got there, but has three Chinese clubs chasing him, led by Andre Villas-Boas’ Shanghai SIPG. Finally, some whispers pulled out of a hat: Everton are after Ludogorets winger Jonathan Cafu, Barcelona lead the race for Falkirk full-back Tony Gallacher, and Charlie Adam could be taking his 60-yard shots on goal to Fenerbahce.

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