WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. “We found daily interaction with—if not actual instruction from—a teacher who is inattentive to their needs tends to build a strong familiarity with indifference and neglect, which in turn allows students to transition easily into modern society,” said lead researcher Angela Cunningham, whose team found that grade schoolers experiencing routine systemic disappointment during early education were more than three times as likely to accept drifting through a series of disappointing careers and relationships in adulthood as normal. “Our students will no doubt be ready for the bureaucracy, red tape, and deep sense of resentment that will define the next generation of American jobs. But we cannot rest on our laurels; public schools are the first experience most children have with American society, and it’s crucial that we continue to instill a sense of normalized incompetence and apathy in our young people. It’s our duty as American citizens prepare them for lives of boundless mediocrity.” However, at press time, Cunningham admitted that a false sense of meaningfulness and individual worth from sources such as music, literature, the arts, and even mental health counseling were still major concerns in some of the nation’s wealthiest public school districts.

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