They’ve changed their mind then, those Conservatives who thought it would be funny if Jeremy Corbyn became Labour leader. The Mail on Sunday has produced a special mini-novel about what Britain will look like under Corbyn – in which the whole of London is on fire, the police have fled, Isis is welcomed in and the Premier League has collapsed.

If he wins, they’ll inform us that his policy of extra cycle lanes will disrupt wildlife, leading to the evolution of giant two-headed hedgehogs that feed off human kidneys. And nationalising the gas companies will disturb gas atoms, causing them to swell up in confusion and make all our pets explode.

But that would be comforting, compared with the more extreme plans. Because the Mail also told us “Jeremy Corbyn welcomed the prospect of an asteroid ‘wiping out’ humanity.” Some people have criticised him for appearing on platforms with a member of Hamas. Even worse, I understand he’s spoken at meetings with the asteroid.

Corbyn may claim he only wanted to open a dialogue with the asteroid, but this asteroid has made no secret of its dreadful plans. After all, the dinosaurs tried this policy of appeasing asteroids, and ended up dying as a species, but Corbyn has learnt nothing from their experience because he’s a Marxist.

This is on top of his record of sitting near people who were anti-Semitic. No Conservative leader would ever speak alongside such a creature. Margaret Thatcher, for example, only befriended people such as General Augusto Pinochet, who murdered thousands regardless of whether they were Jews or Gentiles, because if there was one thing he couldn’t stand it was anti-Semitism.

Tony Blair’s supporters seem even more cross about a potential Labour leader meeting unpleasant characters from the Middle East, presumably because Corbyn didn’t have the sense to charge them £200,000 for his advice, the idiot.

The Daily Telegraph, which a few weeks ago led the jollity in calling for Tories to vote for Corbyn, this week had a front page headline: “Jeremy Corbyn’s plan to turn Britain into Zimbabwe.” The full details of the Corbyn-Mugabe-Hamas-Asteroid alliance are sketchy, but let’s hope they stop when they’ve turned us into Zimbabwe, because some reports say he’ll turn us into hunter-gatherers, except all the berries will be nationalised and the mammoths will have fled to avoid excessive rates of tax – so it will be even worse.

And if that’s not enough of a worry, now he’s proposed meeting women’s groups to discuss safety for women on public transport, which is exactly what led to hyper-inflation in Zimbabwe.

One of several possibilities he’ll consider is women-only carriages in trains, or as Corbyn’s opponents will claim: “NOW HE’LL FORCE ALL MEN TO HAVE A SEX CHANGE OR WALK TO WORK. SURGEONS WILL CARRY OUT OPERATIONS ON THE PLATFORM.”

Labour leadership: The Contenders Show all 4 1 /4 Labour leadership: The Contenders Labour leadership: The Contenders Jeremy Corbyn Jeremy Corbyn started off as the rank outsider in the race to replace Ed Miliband and admitted he was only standing to ensure the left of the party was given a voice in the contest. But the Islington North MP, who first entered Parliament in 1983, is now the firm favourite to be elected Labour leader on September 12 after a surge in left-wing supporters signing up for a vote. PA Labour leadership: The Contenders Liz Kendall Liz Kendall has been labelled the Blairite candidate throughout the contest, which partly explains why she has failed to attract the support needed in a party that has drifted even further from the centre-ground of British politics since the election. She has faced criticism over her relative lack of experience, having only served as an MP since 2010 and having no experience of ministerial or shadow cabinet roles. But that very lack of experience allowed her to initially make a pitch as the only candidate offering real change and a real break from the Blair/Brown/Miliband years, until Jeremy Corbyn entered the race and shifted the whole debate to the left. She is set to finish a disappointing fourth. PA Labour leadership: The Contenders Andy Burnham Andy Burnham started out as the front-runner in the leadership election, seen as the candidate of the left until Jeremy Corbyn entered the race. The former Cabinet minister has found himself squeezed between the growing populism of Corbyn’s radical agenda and the moderate, centre-left Yvette Cooper, not knowing which way to turn. It has attracted damaging labels such as ‘flip-flop Andy’, most notably over his response to the Government’s Welfare Bill. He remains hopeful he can win enough second preference votes to take him over the 50 per cent threshold ahead of Corbyn. PA Labour leadership: The Contenders Yvette Cooper.jpg Yvette Cooper has put her experience and achievements in government at the heart of her offer to the Labour party. She played a key part in setting up Sure Start in Tony Blair’s government and has pledged to continue her record on delivering for young families by promising a “revolution in the way families are supported” by introducing universal free childcare. She has also championed her role as a full-time working mother, taking pride in telling audiences that she does the school run for the kids before her day starts as a politician. But she has been criticised for being too wooden and lacking in passion and her attacks on Liz Kendall for “swallowing the Tory manifesto” at the start of the leadership contest have been criticised for helping Jeremy Corbyn brand all three mainstream candidates as ‘Tory-lite’. PA

The most puzzling side to the abuse thrown at him is that Labour’s senior figures join in with it. They all seem terrified that one of their members has inspired people, and that could be the next reason for banning people from voting in the leadership election. If you seem enthusiastic and optimistic about changing society, you’ll be told you “don’t share the aims and values of the Labour Party”, and you’ll only get a vote if you’re sufficiently miserable and respond to the question “Why do you support Labour?” by saying “Christ knows.”

Harriet Harman has called the people barred from voting “cheats”, although most have been excluded because it’s suspected they voted for a different party once before. A few months ago she launched the drive for registration and membership by saying she wanted to attract people who had “voted for other parties”. She forgot to add, “so we can call them cheats and ban them”.

It’s an interesting strategy, to announce that if you voted for a party other than Labour at any point before, you can’t support Labour now. If this was adopted by every party, it would save all the hassle of ever having another general election. Every five years, on election night, David Dimbleby would announce: “So here are the results, exactly the same as last time. Now back to the snooker.”

It’s even more confusing than that, because many people who have actually voted and campaigned for Labour have been barred as well. Whenever this is mentioned on radio or television, we’re told: “Labour couldn’t find anyone to defend their actions.” This is understandable as it’s summer and there’s nothing much going on in the Labour Party at the moment, so I suppose they’re all rambling in the Lake District.

Occasionally a statement will be made that “We have to ensure voters abide by our aims and values”, but no one offers a clue as to what these are. Maybe Harman has become a kung fu master, and if asked “What are these aims and values?” she says: “Ah, my child, you must wander many miles in the forest and look at many fish. Only when you return with your fingers round the Moon will you truly know our aims and values.”

The problem for Labour and Conservative leaders may be that the enthusiasm for Corbyn isn’t confined to people who consider themselves left wing. It’s a movement of those who feel the poor weren’t, if you study economics carefully, the people who caused the banking crash, so probably shouldn’t be the people asked to pay for it. This movement has been looking for a home for some time, finding one in Scotland and to some extent in the Greens elsewhere.

At least Andy Burnham makes some sense of it, which is why he’s suddenly declared his opposition to private railways and tuition fees, despite having earlier voted to keep them. Tomorrow he’ll grow a grey beard and buy a pushbike.