Continue Reading Below Advertisement

"Listen, son, you're in a heap of trouble here," the detective stubbed out his cigarette on the heel of his shoe, and settled in across from me. "We've got you on charges of trespassing, vandalism, burglary, kidnapping, attempted bestiality, and grand theft tiger. We had to make that last one up just for you, kid. You know how rare it is to have to make up a crime for one person? I have literally never even heard of that. That's how much trouble you're in; you've created entirely new crimes of which you are incredibly guilty," he let that last part settle in for a few minutes. "I don't even know where to start," I began, picking what I hoped was fur from between my teeth. "Well, let me tell you what we have down, and you can tell me if any of it sounds familiar. You entered the zoo at 10:30 on the morning of March 24, 2009..." ***

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

The smell of cotton candy and popcorn mixes with that of hay, manure, and the four Sparks you downed in the parking lot. The large woman in front of you is wearing leopard print stretch-pants that have long since abandoned the category of "pants" and ventured into the realm of "ass shrink-wrap." The elastic quivers, as if longing to be released. You barely suppress the urge to snap the waistband, which would surely set off a tsunami of fat that would kill all those surrounding yo- "Excuse me," the beast turns on you, "are you...are you fucking talking about me? You're like, the biggest asshole in the entire world! I weigh 125 pounds, dickhead, and I'm standingright in front of you! I can hear you!" Were you saying all that out loud? "Did the spandex-monster pick up your thoughts somehow? You try to decipher her words, but all that comes out is the sound of incessant chewing and the slap of fat on fat as her lips impact each other," are you still speaking aloud? The mix of caffeine, alcohol, and cough syrup blends the lines of your internal consciousness. "You fucking ass!" She screams, "My boyfriend is going to kill you." As she storms off toward what appears to be a particularly large, hairy Eskimo, you realize that you are ill-prepared to fight, but still nowhere near the front of the line.