

Succession, HBO’s new series about an aging media titan and his complicated relationship with his children, was many different things in its first season. It was a smart examination of power, both inside a family and in the world at large, that improved drastically as it progressed. It was a fun mix of comedy and drama, with the former thanks in large part to the relationship between Tom and Cousin Greg, the two main characters who are not members of the immediate family and who go about integrating themselves in opposite ways. It was a show that was kind of like Billions, both in subject matter (rich white people behaving like jerks) and in a few specific coincidences (ortolans, exploding rockets). But mostly, it was a show about people telling each other to fuck off. My word, did characters on the show ever do that a lot. It happened so often that I started keeping count around episode four. Then I went back and counted them in the first few episodes. By the end of the season, I was obsessed. (I’m fine.) Let’s put it this way: Think of a number in your head that you would consider a normal amount of times for one character to tell another to eff off in one season of television. Now think of a number that you would consider a lot of times. And then, when you get to the end of this post, in which I catalog each instance of it with visual evidence and break down which characters delivered and received the most (again, I’m fine), see you close you got. You can find in-depth analysis somewhere else today. We have important business to attend to.

Episode 1, “Celebration” — 4 F*ck offs Delivered by: Cousin Greg

Delivered to: Assorted children

Notes: It is both perfect and hilarious that the first one of these comes from my sweet boy Greg, who delivers it — politely! — to a group of children before puking through the eyes off his mascot head. Delivered by: Roman

Delivered to: His weird sage guy

Notes: Classic Roman. Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Assorted paparazzi

Notes: Oh, oh this will not be the last we see of Logan Roy on this list. Not by a long shot. Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: An inanimate bid

Notes: Things were good for Kendall. He had plans, dreams. Didn’t work out so much.

Episode 2, “Shit Show at the Fuck Factory” — 4 F*ck offs Delivered by: Shiv

Delivered to: Kendall

Notes: Not all of these are completely deserved. Most of them are. This one definitely is. Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Tom

Notes: It’s crazy, back in episode two, Tom was a slimy climber and it felt good to watch people yell at him. By the end, he was still a slimy climber but in a crazy/adorable way. I love him now. Delivered by: Roman

Delivered to: Cousin Greg

Notes: Leave Greg alone! Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Gerri

Notes: This was delivered more as a “No way” or a “Come on” than an aggressive insult, but it still counts. Versatile phrase, this.

Episode 3, “Lifeboats” — 3 F*ck offs Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Mr. Polk from the bank

Notes: The beginning of Kendall’s fall. You need to be careful with casual profanity, man. In the right situation, comes across as a casual icebreaker. In the wrong situation, you offend the representative of the bank who holds the fate of your family business in his prude hands. I’ve seen it a million times. Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Roman

Notes: Kendall’s just flailing here. Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Stewy

Notes: Another non-aggressive one, delivered here in a sarcastic tone. Gee, I wonder where Kendall gets this from. Maybe a paternal figure with an affinity for the phrase. I guess we’ll never know or find out shortly! Episode 4, “Sad Sack Wasp Trap” — 4 F*ck offs Delivered by: Shiv

Delivered to: Roman

Notes: Shiv said this to Roman after he called to inform her that the husband of the candidate she’s working for just uploaded a picture of his b-hole to the internet. Understandable. Delivered by: Tom

Delivered to: Cousin Greg

Notes: I said leave Greg alone! Delivered by: Tom

Delivered to: Cousin Greg

Notes: He’s a nice boy! Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Kendall

Notes: The champ returns. Episode 5, “I Went to Market” — 3 F*ck offs Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Kendall

Notes: Why answer “no” when you can deliver that message and belittle your failson at the office? That’s just efficient. Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Kendall and Roman

Notes: This is how all meetings should end. Delivered by: Rava

Delivered to: Logan

Notes: Important to note that Logan is offscreen and in another room here. Could have led to volleys of profanity otherwise.

Episode 6, “Which Side Are You On?” — 2 F*ck offs Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Ilona the Absent Board Member

Notes: Bye, Ilona. Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Kendall

Notes: Look at Kendall’s face. This is a broken man. And it’s not the worst moment of the season for him. Not even close. Episode 7, “Austerlitz” — 3 F*ck offs Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Alon the Therapist

Notes: Number one and… Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Alon the Therapist

Notes: … number two. This is why Logan is the king. He fires them off double-barrel. A master of language. Delivered by: Willa

Delivered to: Kendall

Notes: Connor’s playwright/escort girlfriend delivers one from offscreen to a person who is also offscreen. Kind of impressive, really. Welcome to the party, Willa. Episode 8, “Prague” — 7 F*ck offs Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Roman

Notes: Double-barrel again, coming in hot. Bang… Delivered by: Logan

Delivered to: Roman

Notes: … and bang. Delivered by: Roman

Delivered to: Stewy

Notes: In hindsight, Stewy deserved/deserves way more of these than he got, especially considering how casual his have been. Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Roman

Notes: Tough to work this into your personal lexicon because it’s both graphic and very specific but if you can, seems fun. Delivered by: Angela

Delivered to: Kendall

Notes: Don’t grab a lady at a drug-fueled sex party. Or anywhere else, really. Jesus Christ, Kendall. Delivered by: Shiv

Delivered to: Senator Eavis

Notes: Shiv’s are my favorite. Other characters do it more frequently and forcefully, sure, but she tosses them off with an exasperation that no one else does. She’s also… Delivered by: Shiv

Delivered to: Logan

Notes: … the only Roy child who gets in a good one on Logan. Episode 9, “Pre-nuptial” — 5 F*ck offs Delivered by: Marcia

Delivered to: Shiv

Notes: There’s so much venom in this one. It’s the only one Marcia gets in all season and she really gets her money’s worth. Like she packed a dozen more into it. Logan has that effect on people. Delivered by: Gerri

Delivered to: Senator Eavis

Notes: Gerri’s on the board, folks. Delivered by: Kendall

Delivered to: Stewy

Notes: See, this is what I mean. Let Stewy have it. Delivered by: Roman

Delivered to: Kendall and Shiv

Notes: Another playful one from Roman. And the only one delivered on a boat. Worth noting. Delivered by: Logan (hypothetically)

Delivered to: Kendall and Stewy

Notes: This is where Kendall is gaming out how Logan will respond to the bear hug letter. Kendall is wrong about many, many things, but not this.