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David Cameron has called an emergency COBRA meeting this morning as news of olive oil not being any better for you than vegetable oil has sparked isolated riots throughout West Hampstead, Richmond and Godalming which look set to spread to other affluent parts of the country.

One rioter in Surrey explained “All my life I’ve been buying extra cold press virgin olive oil in unusually tall bottles from niche delicatessens for 14 quid a time, confident in the fact that I have a superior diet that will make me live indefinitely. Well it transpires that I might just as well have cooked everything in shitty lard and washed it down with a pint of crisp’n’dry. My lovely little world has fallen apart. I’m no better than a housing association tenant eating fish and chips without a knife and fork. So I’m off to loot Debenhams and then set fire to some cars.”

The rioting is believed to have been started by TV chef Nigel Slater who was actually filming a new series of his cookery show “Me in my smug kitchen” when the news was broken. One member of the production team told us “He was in the process of making a spicy trifle out of expensive odds and ends left over in his fridge and was just about to go and pick some fresh cardomardomardamom from out of his wonderful herb garden when he received a text. The next thing he’s shouting at the top of his voice, foaming at the mouth and heading up a posse of livid people called Jocasta and Henry, all brandishing pestles. ”

A Government source denounced the violence but pointed the finger very firmly at the media. “I blame the Guardian newspaper for letting the cat out of the bag. No-one had to know. It would have been better that way.”