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AS VEGANISM becomes a more prominent feature in the news outlets seeking to draw their readers into pointless squabbling in comment sections, WWN is maintaining its unsinkable support for decent and impartial journalism and has decided it wants some of the action too.

With that, WWN has taken it upon itself to provide would-be-vegans still nestled in the ethically sourced sustainable closet with a blueprint on how to come out to your father, who is an Irish beef farmer.

In order to truly help those of you wrestling with how best to tell your father the screams and squeals of helpless animals being slaughtered really isn’t your thing, we spoke to other vegans who came out to their beef farming farmer fathers.

“He just died of a heart attack on the spot. The doctor said he’d never seen anything like it, my Da’s heart literally exploded. It should have been medically impossible, the doctor was pretty fucked up after it all to be honest. But I’m sure it’ll be fine for you with your Dad” – Caoimhe Corrigan (19), vegan.

“Yeah, his blood pressure’s never been the same. He’s on a year’s supply of blood pressure medication… but for every week. Mam says he’s calmed down, but his face as remained this bright puce red colour ever since I told him, and there’s the fact he hasn’t actually spoken again since I told him, he’s a mute, and I came out as vegan about 4 years ago” – David Neely (36), vegan.

“I actually had a very positive response from Dad, all things considered. He waited til I left the house before he went insane, stripped down to nothing, ran around after the cows and literally bit into the hide of one of them. Poor thing.” – Sarah Gobbin (25), vegan.

“You know the joke ‘how do you know someone’s a vegan? Don’t worry they’ll tell you’. Well, not to be zero craic or anything but it’s actually hard to tell your beef farming dad. He tried to understand, and amazingly he switched to diary farming the next year. But I explained about the not eating diary products thing ‘cus that’s still bad.

He changed for me again, and I loved him even more for it. He shut down the farm, and just took up being a gardener as a profession but when I told about how plants too have feelings and emotions and he shouldn’t mutilate grass with a lawnmower he eventually told me to fuck off, which is fair enough” – Gary Prentice (21), vegan.

“We fell out immediately. I kept on at him to stop the slaughter but he’s standing firm. But at least he’s let me work with the animals on making their lives as comfortable as possible until…ya know. The cows love the yoga classes and the chakra cleansing I do with them” – Dierdre Dennings (41), vegan.

Take heart in these examples of vegans sharing their life with their beef farming fathers and take that brave step yourself today!