Google reported disappointing quarterly earnings Thursday prompting CNN to state that the "stock had tumbled". The Journal said more soberly that the stock merely "fell 5% after hours, while the National Inquirer reported that the stock "had completely disappeared".

This brings to our attention the complete lack of uniformity in describing the inevitable ebb and flow of company stock. The twin pillars of stock volatility reporting are the verbs "soar" and "tumble" Closely followed by the verbs "impress" and "disappoint" And occasionally accompanied by the terms "belly-flop", "lurch", "crater" and "implode"

But just how much a stock has to rise or fall to deserve one of these descriptors is highly uncertain. Uncertainty can breed rumor, and rumor can breed innuendo (perhaps with a little bit of contempt). Creating a vicious circle sitting squarely around the shoulders of the company in question.

Sneaky Business believes a standard taxonomy is needed to deliver "apples to apples" comparisons across companies. We provide just such a table below in the hope that some sanity can return to the hyperbole of quarterly earnings reports.

Stock Movement Acceptable Descriptive Verbs >50% Soar, explode, ejaculate + 10% to 50% Leap, rush, jump, bungee + 1% to 10% Float, rise, gain a leg up, swagger + / - 1% Languish, meander, loiter, nap, snooze - 1% to 10% Stagger, slide, stumble, lurch - 10% to 50% Tumble, belly-flop, jack-knife, fall arse-over-tit < 50% Implode, self-immolate, FUBAR

We encourage you all to begin using this terminology immediately.