How do we talk to our children about the president-elect Donald Trump? Don’t ask me. No seriously, don’t.

But if you want to know how NOT to talk to your children when a a racist, misogynistic, sexual predator is elected to the top office on the planet maybe follow these handy Dos and Don’ts.

Don’t: Make assumptions

Since last Friday, I’ve been gearing my two seven-year-old daughters up for the Day of Days. The Hillslide, as some were calling it. A glass ceiling-shattering Clinton win seemed deliciously inevitable.

It was true that a lot of my more politically clued in friends were cautious and in some cases outwardly terrified that a Trump win was in the offing.

But I treated their fears the same way I had treated their concerns when they said the equal marriage vote would go the wrong way. I gave a loud theatrical “phshaw” and toasted them with a big glass (half full, naturally) of optimism.

I told my girls: “Wednesday will be a great day for women! It will be a great day for girls! There will be a lady president of America for the first time!”

I explained how women didn’t even have the vote in America until 1920 and then we had a great old chat about suffragettes and women’s rights.

They were hanging on my every word. It felt good. Like I was the best, most right-on parent in the world.

I made a plan to hang up some red, white and blue bunting – decor normally reserved for birthdays – at breakfast time on Hillary Day. We were going to have pancakes. Yes, with extra maple syrup.

Do: Hide your distress

7am Wednesday, November 9th, aka Hillary Day Gone Wrong

Worried Daughter: Why are you crying and shouting at the television, Mum?

Me (shouting and sobbing prostrate on the sofa, last night’s election make-up streaming down face): I’m not shouting.

Worried Daughter: You ARE Mum and I really don’t like when you cry. Did Hillary not win? Is it Trump instead? Maybe he will be a good president?

Me (manic now): Duh! He hates women. He thinks women and girls are objects to be played with. And it’s not just him it’s millions of people in America and in the world who think the same way. Also, he hates people with different coloured skin and people with hate in their hearts now think it’s okay to think like that.

Worried Daughter: This is the worst day ever.

8.30am The Worst Day Ever

Other Daughter: So does this mean we are not having pancakes?

Me: No. It wouldn’t be appropriate.

Worried Daughter: At least he’s not the President of us. Michael D Higgins is a nice man.

Me (silently): Oh my heart.

Worried Daughter (climbing on to the sofa to cower in my arms): I don’t want to go to school today. I feel like I won’t smile at all. Why do people hate girls and people with brown skin? What did we do wrong?

Me (panic stricken): No! Don’t listen to me. I didn’t mean it. He probably will be a good president. Where are your shoes? Have you brushed your teeth? Trump is grand, really.

Worried Daughter (sobbing and shouting at the telly): Everything seems wrong today. Goodbye Mum. I hate Trump.

Do: Lie. Just lie and keep on lying

2.30pm Trump Day

Worried Daughter (home from school): You still upset Mum?

Me: No way!!! I am SO happy. I just realised something amazing! Trump was probably just messing when he said all those things and now he’s president he’ll totally start respecting women and also caring for people who have different coloured skin to him.

Worried Daughter: Really? Do you really think people can change just like that?

Me: Of course. (*thinks*) Like, before I had children I lay in bed in the mornings a lot more and now...

Worried Daughter: ...well, you still lie in bed in the mornings. Like, a lot.

Me: Yes but not as much as before. See? People CAN change. Trump is going to change.

Worried Daughter (suspiciously okay): Well I didn’t smile all day. Mrs M told us that Hillary lost and Trump won and she asked us who we would all have voted for. Most of us put our hands up for Hillary but two people put their hands up for Trump.

Me (measured voice): Who were they?

Worried Daughter: It was X and Y. (Y is her sister)

Y: Yeah, I voted for Trump. I don’t think he is a bad person. I think Hillary is a bad person. That must be why she lost.

Me: Right. Okay. (Leaves room. Screams and sobs, but this time into a pillow in the privacy of bedroom)

THE END (LITERALLY)