Dearest Carlos Quentin,

Watch the above GIF. That looks like it hurts. I’m no doctor, and I did go to public school, but I would reckon that doesn’t feel good. I can tell by that face you made there. This has happened to you a lot, Carlos Quentin. One hundred and fifteen times, to be exact.

That total isn’t the most. Craig Biggio got plunked 170 more times than you did. But Biggio had a career HBP rate of 2.2%. Your rate is 4.1%. There’s something to be said about your penchant for getting plunked, but I don’t know what that something is. I’ll keep looking. In the meantime, here are some random facts about you getting hit by pitches.

In 2012, you played only 86 games, and still led the league in HBP with 17.

You have more career HBP than:

-Rafael Furcal has HRs.

-Ben Sheets has wins.

-Dustin Pedroia has stolen bases.

-Rod Carew has triples.

In 2011, you hit your career mark for HBP with 27. In that same season, 14 players who qualified for the batting title took 27 or fewer walks — including Adrian Beltre, Carl Crawford, Vernon Wells, and Vladimir Guerrero.While getting hit might seem like a point of pride for you, Carlos Quentin, you’ve also missed a lot of games. It’s hard to say how many missed games were in direct result of getting thrown at, but it certainly couldn’t help.

So, hear my plea Carlos Quentin: FUCKING MOVE!

Move out of the way. Just don’t be in that place when the pitch comes at you. I know some plunkings are unavoidable. But surely you can cut down on a lot of them. Duck, or spin away, or bend backward or something. Just fucking move. Take your walk the traditional way.

You’ve consistently posted an above-average wRC+. You’re good at hitting the baseball. Therefore, one could assume you have pretty solid reflexes. So, use your powers for good, Carlos. Use them to realize that you’re going to get hit with a hard object traveling faster than the standard speed limit of almost every state and GET THE SHIT OUT OF THE WAY.

You’re 30 years old, Carlos Quentin, and you don’t have that many years left. Spend them on the field, not on the DL. God damn it, just move. WHY WON’T YOU MOVE?! I’m trying to help you here, man. Just… try it out next time. Next time you see that you’re going to get hit, just move out of the way. See how you feel afterward. Unless the act of moving causes you to herniate a disc in your back, you’ll feel TONS better than if you had gotten hit. I can’t say that for sure, but I have a really good hunch.

Godspeed, Carlos Quentin. I will always carry a torch for you. When I see a highlight of you hitting a homer, I’ll still chant “Quen – en! Quen – en! HOW YA ALL FEELIN’?” to the theme of the television show Martin because I will always think that’s funny. I want to do it many more times. So please, Carlos Quentin, stay on the field.

And move your ass, for Christ’s sake.