QUEBEC CITY – Francois Legault has declared that, moving forward, the only people in Quebec who will be able to obtain government services in English will be ones who can prove they are a direct descendant of the angel faced Irish Orphans from the Heritage Minute.

“If you can’t prove that your ancestor came off the boat from Ireland and told a heartwarming story about their dead mother in order to convince a Monseigneur to let them keep their Irish names, then there is nothing we can do for you,” said Legault.

“Bill 101 clearly states that all government services will be provided in French unless the people involved have some connection to what is easily a top 5 Heritage Minute,” he added.

Critics have said it will be almost impossible to prove connection to the three speaking Orphans, let alone the extras standing behind them. But the provincial government insists they will be notable for their Irish surnames, dirty faces and tragic eyes that convey the ordeal they have been through.

“Just do a bit of an Irish accent and you’ll be fine,” said Minister Simon Jolin-Barette. “The main point is – just don’t be an immigrant from one of those ‘not white’ countries. It’s pretty simple when you think about it like that.”

Legault added that Quebecers would also be allowed to speak in English if they were cheering Jackie Robinson or needed to tell a doctor that they smelled burnt toast.