I’m breaking another of my own rules…well bending. I’m not going to talk about Ava again. Remember, this is my story, and it’s not all about her. This started with her though, so that’s why it’s just bending.



I’d known addicts before my daughter. Most from afar. I had my children young, I worked a lot, I didn’t go out often or have many friends. I didn’t want to surround myself with people that could be a poor influence on me or my kids. So aside from a select few alcoholics, I hadn’t been exposed much to addiction before Ava.

I also hadn’t really learned to let people in either, hence the few friends. Life has always been harsh to me, and it took a lot of therapy, which I continue to this day, to learn to trust a soul. I mean REALLY trust. Part of the issue of not being able to open up to people was not even knowing myself. I identified as a mother and employee. I had no clue who the fuck I was other than those two things, and for a period, a wife. But Kelly? I didn’t have time to get to know her.



I met some people who helped me learn the many sides I have, and to embrace them and let them out. They taught me to accept and love myself, and in learning to do that, I found that I was capable of feeling that for others. Heart and soul. I’ve always been someone who felt deep empathy and cared immensely for people, hence the 20 years I spent in the medical field, but love is much different. It’s exposing myself completely, and that is something I never had been willing to do until later in life.



Once you break down those walls, you can’t ever build them back up fully, no matter how hard I’ve tried after having my heart truly beaten. And so I began to let some people in finally. I met many new friends during my journey with Ava, ones I cherish so much. I was so much enjoying the intelligence, the wit and humor of my friends in recovery that I forgot they were sick. They didn’t seem sick or look sick until suddenly they did. Overnight.



(That invisible illness)

My confidantes and loves that I never had had before became something else. I hate the cancer and addiction comparisons so much, but that’s what’s popping into my head. Two types of cancer specifically. One that kills slowly despite all the painful attempts to treat it, and another type that comes on with a vengeance and aggression like nothing else, and can’t be stopped no matter what.

I have two dear people to me that are specifically in my mind as I’m writing this, and though they each have the same sickness, but I’ve watched it manifest so differently. I’m not sure which is worse. It’s equally painful to me, that I know.

One friend became someone else overnight. That person went from a sweet inspiration to me that would send me messages everyday to smile and have a great day to something comparable to The Hulk maybe? Just anger and rage and destruction to themselves and anyone in their path. A tsunami of pain.



The other I am thinking of has the type of addiction that kills slowly. They can’t see they are so sick. They hide it, maybe to save me some pain, but probably more to spare themselves from facing it. Addiction is a selfish, unforgiving disease to all involved. They think I don’t notice how they have been slowly evolving into someone else, that they aren’t there even when are sitting right next to me. That I don’t notice the many signs… you can’t hide everything no matter how hard you try to fool me or yourself. I see that sickness slowly consuming, and it hurts unbearably because I can’t stop it.

I miss my friends when they are back to actively using. I miss my ignorant bliss. I miss my fucking wall.



Is it really better to have loved and lost? I don’t know. Right now it sure doesn’t feel like it. We’ll see if the other cliche “love conquers all” holds any truth.

That fucking clock ticking so loudly in my ear is the only thing that knows. I have a love/hate relationship with clocks. But I have so much love for my friends. It’s so hard to see that person that you met while in remission get so sick.

So far the two I have in mind are surviving and fighting back. Taking control of their “wheel”. Another sweet young soul I lost just the other day, had the biggest smile you ever saw. One of about 1,000 a week in the USA who is gone now forever because of this invisible “entity” for lack of a better word. No matter which way it manifests, make no mistakes that it can and does kill…

Whoever says addiction isn’t a disease doesn’t love an addict.

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.

Drive