It started, of course, on Facebook.



It was June 2016, and I had spent the morning on the social media site, locked in a comment battle with a fellow Hillary supporter. We were both members of a secret, pro-Hillary Facebook group, where he’d posted about female Bernie supporters being “self-hating, crazy cat ladies.” I called him out for being sexist, and in a group created to support a woman candidate, no less! He, of course, thought it was hilarious, and — as more guys joined in to mock female Bernie supporters — told me I was overreacting and should lighten up. We went back and forth for a while, until I quit the group in a huff.

This interaction was particularly irritating, but it was not unusual during the primary season. Months of getting trolled, dragged, lectured, and chastised by men of all political affiliations had finally worn me to my breaking point. All I wanted was place to shout my love for Hillary Clinton without having to defend it or have it mansplained back to me. I needed the online equivalent of an all-woman book club, where the only books we read were Stronger Together and It Takes a Village. In a fit of rage, I posted this on my wall: “Please invite me to your secret all-women/women identified Hillary Facebook groups, I can't deal with the dudes I'm experiencing today.”

Within 15 minutes my friend Tara, an Arkansas native, replied, “I'll start one right now.” And just like that, our secret, all-women, #WithHer Facebook group was born.

It turned out Tara and I knew a lot of women who needed a similar space, because within an hour, we had 100 members. By the end of day two, we were at 500. And today, with less than a week to go until the election, our little group is now bursting at 5,899 members from every state in America, as well as expats living abroad. What started on a whim has now become something bigger than we ever expected: a place women (cis, trans, genderqueer, and non-binary) can discuss Hillary Clinton and champion the issues that are important to them. And in doing so, members are free to do one very simple thing that can be surprisingly hard and even dangerous in today’s political climate: express themselves. We’ve put together a list of guidelines for the group, but the most basic one is this: Don’t be a jerk.

You’d think, that with an enormous group of women ranging in age from 18 to 76, things would get tense or fights would break out. But the group has stayed incredibly civil, thoughtful, and respectful. Sure, discussions get lively and heated, but people still remain cordial and rarely devolve into name-calling or trolling. I have yet to have an interaction like I did in the group with the man who mocked Bernie supporters. It turns out, our ever-growing group is pretty awesome at going high.

As we get closer to Election Day (gulp), the group has moved way beyond simply being a place to congregate with fellow Hillary supporters, and share links about the Trump Foundation and GIFS of Hillary and Michelle Obama dancing. We’ve posted pics of ballot (but only from states where it's legal, per the many lawyers in our group) and pics of our homemade Hillary yard signs, shared photos of ourselves watching (or in my case, cry-watching) the convention, and have even raised $10,000 for Hillary’s campaign as a team via our own fundraising link to her website. We phone-bank together, meet up on get-out-the-vote trips to swing states, and encourage each other to do more than just panic about the latest polls. (Though, we do a lot of that too.) Just this week, a member started an “Action Thread” where others can share what the actionable things they’re doing to elect Hillary during this final week of campaigning. (I’ll be phone-banking here in Los Angeles!) And while co-moderating a Facebook group can be tedious at times (my co-moderator Tammy must spend half her days asking people not to post duplicate links and still that pantsuit flashmob video gets shared on the regular), it has also been the life vest that’s kept me afloat during this election, which at its worst, has been flooded with misogyny, racism, and violence.

Members are responsible for adding others to the group, and we doubled in size in the days following the story of Trump’s sexually violent comments on Access Hollywood. At times, there were so many women being added that the other moderators and I couldn’t keep up. The conversations that sprang up during that time — about our own experiences with sexual assault, harassment, and misogyny — reflected why this election is personal to so many of us. We believe in our candidate, but we also believe in each other and that our experiences and existence as women matter.

Last week, I told the group I was writing this piece and asked them for their (anonymous) thoughts on what this online space has meant in their own lives. I was stunned to receive 215 impassioned replies that echoed my own sentiments. Every time I scroll through them, I get choked up.

“I am a life long Republican who lives in Texas. I have a 7yr old transgender son. I am now a single issue voter that will be voting for Hillary Clinton, the first Democratic candidate I have ever voted for in my life. I want my child to have the right to get married, have children and pee in peace. The impact this president may have on the make up of the Supreme Court, that will be in place for much of my child's life, has moved me to make this fundamental shift. This group has made it safe for me to discuss this and express my support...I'm With Her.”

“This group has given me confidence in speaking up about doing the right thing. I feel like a nasty woman all of a sudden. I knew she was inside of me, she just needed good company. I feel the strength of 5000 women when I'm speaking up now. I will never feel alone again.”

“I have been so depressed and angry this election year. This group has been a beacon of hope for me. As a woman in a male-dominated field (programming) in a red state (Indiana), the misogyny I see everyday is extremely troublesome. It is so great to have a place where I can be reminded that I am not any less of a person due to my gender and I can find support from other like-minded women.”

“This place has been my solace, refuge, and happy place this election season - I really don't know how I would have coped without it. Knowing that I was safe to express my joy, learning from the brilliant women in this group, seeing the gracious support strangers have offered up to each other... it has felt nothing short of a sisterhood. I'm so unbelievably grateful and honored to be here.”

Secret Hillary groups like ours have been around for a while now. The New York Times even wrote about them earlier this summer. And as thrilled as I am that these pro-Hillary safe spaces exist, I can’t shake the sadness I feel knowing how necessary they are. We’re on the verge of electing the first woman president, and yet many women — including those of us in blue states and cities — still feel safest sharing our support and excitement in private. Still, I know that secret does not equal silent. Even if members can’t be vocal in their families or communities, they can still find power and a voice in our group. And no matter what happens Nov. 8, the group will be there to continue supporting each other and Hillary, and fighting for change. That is no secret.

Follow Kate on Twitter.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io