Including recent claims that it funded research that blamed obesity on a lack of exercise rather than bad dietary habits, the Coca-Cola Company is often accused of trying to hide or downplay the damaging effects of soft drink consumption. Here’s what drinking Coke really does to the body:

Extreme sugar intake causes the body to release a rush of Quenchanoids and the hormone Refreshatonin



Cognition is immediately affected, sharply increasing your desire to ride in an open-top jeep with an attractive and exuberant group of ethnically varied friends



Heart lets out audible whimper



Increased blood sugar levels send message to the body that it is in America



You are legally dead for exactly 75 seconds



Changes in cerebral fluid chemistry cause brain to instantly form 20 rationalizations for the continuous intake of empty calories



Aluminum can’s jagged edges destroy stomach lining



Enamel decay eliminates pesky teeth that were only getting in way of more cool, refreshing Coke



Ugh, it’s best to not even mention what happens to the liver



Makes your hands pretty sticky if spilled



An extreme elevation in mood is experienced by Coke CEO Muhtar Kent after earning $5.5 million quarterly bonus



Cumulative deleterious effects on the body stop drinkers from being immortal and living forever as they otherwise would have done

