PHILADELPHIA—A study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychology revealed a direct correlation between smiling in adult American males and the scoring of touchdowns by incredibly large or obese football players. "The initial results of the study proved that adult males offer at least a smirk at the sight of any extremely overweight man's head squished into a helmet," said Dr. Caroline Nissen, who directed the study. "But without fail, if that man happens to recover a turnover and begins to run with the ball, the size of the observer's smile grows exponentially, especially if the plump athlete attempts to jump over anything. By the time the obese player scores, literally every adult male we studied was grinning to the limits of his ability." Thus far, the study is being heralded by the medical community as a potential cure-all for males suffering from chronic depression.

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