The 2017 Ole Miss football season is just days away, and while it will be good to see actual football as opposed to the emotionally crippling parade of awfulness that has been Ole Miss’ offseason, one question still looms large: Who will be the head coach at Ole Miss in 2018?

Ole Miss athletic director Ross Bjork has promised to patiently conduct his search over the coming months, and he’s assured the Rebel faithful that all candidates will undergo a thorough vetting. After the last three coaching hires, Ole Miss fans may not be familiar with that process, but apparently Bjork intends to actually examine candidates’ qualifications and potential fit for the job before simply throwing millions of dollars at the first lunatic who expresses some interest in coming to Oxford. It’s refreshing, I know.

The bad news is that you’ve got weeks and weeks of terrible “_________ to Ole Miss” prognostications ahead of you. From out-of-the-loop national writers to the lowliest Mississippi State message board troll, people with bad opinions will be coming out of the woodwork over the coming weeks and months to make their picks for who will end up at Ole Miss. Not to worry, friend. This exclusive Ole Miss Coaching Search Cold Board will help separate the chaff from the wheat and will let you know exactly who won’t be Ole Miss’s football coach in 2018. We’ve reached out to all of our unnamed sources deep with the IPF* and compiled a comprehensive Cold Board for you, the discerning Ole Miss fan. Below you’ll find a detailed list of every candidate who doesn’t have the slightest chance in hell of ending up in the blue and red.

*Sources are definitely real and not just common sense.

Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning will not coach at Ole Miss.

Ray Lewis

Ray Lewis will not coach at Ole Miss.

Tony Dungy

Tony Dungy will not coach at Ole Miss.

Hugh Freeze

Hugh Freeze will not coach at Ole Miss (again).

Gus Malzahn

Gus Malzahn will not coach at Ole Miss.

Ed Orgeron

Ed Orgeron will not coach at Ole Miss (again).

Jim Harbaugh

Jim Harbaugh will not coach at Ole Miss.

James Franklin

James Franklin will not coach at Ole Miss.

Dabo Swinney

Dabo Swinney will not coach at Ole Miss.

Robbie Caldwell

Robbie Caldwell will not coach at Ole Miss.

Any Current NFL Head Coach

No current NFL head coach will coach at Ole Miss.

Any Former NFL Head Coach

No former NFL head coach will coach at Ole Miss.

Jim McElwain’s Dead Shark

Jim McElwain’s dead shark will not coach at Ole Miss.

Kevin Sumlin

Kevin Sumlin will not coach at Ole Miss.

Donald J. Trump

Donald J. Trump will not coach at Ole Miss.

Jeffrey Vitter

Jeffrey Vitter will not coach at Ole Miss.

Tommy Tuberville

Tommy Tuberville will not coach at Ole Miss again.

Your Mom

Your mom will not coach at Ole Miss.

Pat Forde

Pat Forde will not coach at Ole Miss.

TwoYardsandaCloudofEnricky

I will not coach at Ole Miss.

Ron Prince

Ron Prince will not coach at Ole Miss.

Mike Leach

Mike Leach will not coach at Ole Miss.

Michael Jordan will not coach at Ole Miss.

The Liberal Agenda

The liberal agenda will not coach at Ole Miss.

Kirk Ferentz

Kirk Ferentz will not coach at Ole Miss.

A Person Who is Compensated at the Same Rate as the Players

A person who is compensated at the same rate as the players will not coach at Ole Miss. Thanks, NCAA. Dicks.

Steve Bannon

Steve Bannon will not coach at Ole Miss.

Will Muschamp

Will Muschamp will not coach at Ole Miss.

The Ghosts of Long Dead Confederate Generals

The ghosts of long dead confederate generals will not coach at Ole Miss.

Toni Morrison

Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison will not coach at Ole Miss.

Mark Emmert

Mark Emmert will not coach at Ole Miss.

The Friends You Made Along the Way

The friends you made along the way will not coach at Ole Miss.

Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife

Cormac McCarthy’s ex-wife will not coach at Ole Miss.

Tyler Siskey

Tyler Siskey will not coach at Ole Miss.

Zenny Phantom

Zenny Phantom will not coach at Ole Miss

Houston Nutt

Houston Nutt will not coach at Ole Miss (again).