Pineapple Express Script - Dialogue Transcript

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Pineapple Express Script

- When did it start? - At 0500. We're seven minutes in. Private Miller... ...you've been smoking Item for seven minutes and 13 seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel? Well, sir... ...I feel like a... Like a slice of butter... ...melting on top of a big old pile of flapjacks. Yeah. Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors... ...what emotions do you feel? Okay, Private Miller? Is this normal? Okay, Private... Okay, Private Miller? Private Miller. Answer the question. This went out, sir. Can you torch me? We'll send someone in. Holy bejesus! Private Miller, answer the question. What was the question again, sir? When you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel? You know what problem I have... ...with your fucking little dog-and-pony act you call the military? Here it is. One: Lots of dudes. Where are the boobies? Two: Why are We underground right now, sir? Why can't we be out in the open? Why aren't we in a square right now? Why aren't we talking to people, letting them know Item 9 exists? Get it out. Shout off the rooftops: "This is great! This is the bee's knees, Item 9!" Private, we need you to be serious. I'm serious. Your dick, my mouth. That's inappropriate. Fuck you! I've seen enough. Shut it down. Bury the hatch. Sell the land. And dispose of him. This never happened. Dude, what happened to your eye? Hello. Can you guys understand me? - Hey. Hey, where we going? - This is General Brat. We've reached a final conclusion on Item 9. Illegal! Hey, this is Sam. Good morning. Welcome to KRAD. You know, I think that last caller had some undeniable points. Right now, we're gonna get to the next caller, Dale Denton. Hey, Sam. Big huge fan. First-time caller. - Here's my piece. - All right. If marijuana is not legal within the next five years... ...I have no faith left in humanity, period. Everyone likes smoking weed. They have for thousands of years. They're not gonna stop anytime soon. It makes everything better. Makes food better. Makes music better. It makes sex feel better, for God's sakes. It makes shitty movies better, you know? Hi, there. Are you Sandra Danby? Yeah. Well, I'm Garth from Global Saviors, and... - What is this? - I'm joking. You failed to show up for divorce proceedings... ...four times under court order, and you've been served. - Oh, great. Thanks a lot, asshole. - Sorry. I'm just saying love has no age. You can't instantly tell me that a man, because he's a certain age... ...can't marry a woman or love a woman. I'm dating a high-school girl. You're not maximizing your potential. Think this girl takes you seriously? No, but if I'm and the girl is 18 years old... ...you know, in society, that might look bad. - Hey, as long as it's consensual. - I think it's consensual. Yo, you been served. You've been served. You've been served. You've been served. Walter Wadska the third. You here to fix the fax machine? No, I'm here to tell you you owe MasterCard 4068 bucks. You've been served by the best. Keep it real. Why don't you get a real job, you fucking cocksucker? - Hey, "Electric Avenue." - I know, right? - Take that shit to the next level, eh? - Okay, I will. - Dr. Edgar Terrence? - Yes. You have repeatedly refused to trim the monkey tree... ...that spills onto your neighbor's property. And nowbecause of that, you've been served. You're a jerk. All this current system is doing... ...is putting money in the hands of criminals... ...and it's making ordinary people like you and me deal with those criminals. You ever dealt with a drug dealer? It's terrible, it's weird, it's awkward. They think they're your friend, but they're not. Dale, I get your point. Thanks for your input. Next caller, please. I can't come. What? Why the fuck not, Dale? I just... Look, I can't come. I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. It's a bad day for me. Jesus Christ, Dale. When Were you gonna tell me? My mom has been shopping all day. - Why? - She's already planning on couscous. I said I might be able to go, so why is she doing that already? - How I look like an asshole. - You are one. Come on, don't say that. I just can't go. I have a job. - Fine. - "Fine"? Don't come. I don't care. Then Why have you been inviting me? I thought you wanted me to go. If you don't wanna meet them, I don't want you to. I want to. I can't. I have a job. I'm sorry. What do you want from me? I just know they'll like you, that's all. You're great, and you're funny... ...and you're sexy. I just want them to see that. - You Want them to see that I'm sexy? - Hey, people? - Hi, Mr. Edwards. - Can I help you? No, I'm good. Thank you, though. Yeah? I see you don't have a visitor's badge. That's why I ask. - I'm with her, actually. - Actually, this is my boyfriend. I heard that. I wish I didn't hear that, but I just heard that. What's that supposed to mean? I'm just wondering Why you don't date a nice guy your own age. - She's very mature for her age. - Yeah. - Angie, hey. How's it going? - Hey. Hey, Clark, how you doing, man? What's up? I'm good, bro. I'm good. Dude, I wanted to tell you. You were hilarious today in drama class. Your Jeff Goldblum impression made me pee my pants. I wish. Oh, hey, I almost forgot. Last week when we worked out, you forgot your shorts in my car. Oh, yeah. - Here you go. - Thanks. Yeah, no problem, no problem. - Can you hold those? - Yeah. - Yeah. - How's it going, Sporty Spice? This is my boyfriend, Dale. - Hey, nice to meet you. - You too. I've heard so much about you. You're real cool. - I mean, you're great. Yeah. - Yeah, awesome. Anyways, yeah, dude, next year. Next year college, man. College. Gonna be kick-ass. I will watch her back for you. I know there's tons of guys that are gonna be trying to get on that shit. - Oh, good. - Because I got that... Yeah. You got her ass? Perfect. - I'll watch her ass for... - He's trying to be nice. - I'll catch you at home Ec. - Okay. You guys got home Ec together too. That's cool. - We got a fewclasses together. - Nice to meet you. Time to suck today's dick. That's what I'm talking about. See you guys later. - All right, Clark. - Clark's a great guy. He's totally gonna take care of Angela, man. He's great. He's a wonderful lab partner. He'll keep an eye on her. Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird prick? I'm a teacher. You can't talk to me like that. I'm not a student, so I can say whatever I Want... ...you chimp-fucking little bastard. - Actually... You've got T-minus 30 seconds to get off school property... ...or I call the liaison officer. - We're leaving. I'm sorry. - Middle finger won't stop the clock. What a jerk. What's that guy's problem? Jesus. I don't... Normally he's... That's really weird. I'd love to have dinner with you and your parents tomorrow night. I'm gonna go. I'll definitely go. I'll shuffle things around... - Really? - Yeah, I'll be there for sure. Yeah, I Wanna show them you're in good hands. Yeah. I got nothing to be embarrassed about. That means so much to me and my parents. No problem. It's gonna be awesome. - Hello? - Hey, Saul. Mind if I come by? - Come on down. - Sweet. Be there. - Hi, Mary. - Hi. I thought the hurricane season was over. I thought hurricane season was over. I'm sorry. Things just got out of hand. Yeah, that's the way it was with my first husband. Hello? Hey, man. What the fuck, man? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here? Some guy with a fauxhawk let me in. He was leaving when I... - Fucking Kyle. - It might have been Kyle. - Asshole. - I'm sorry, man. What the fuck's the buzzer for anyway? I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't knowyour protocol yet. Stuff your sorries in a sack. It's not your fault. - Okay. - It's these jerk-offs. Have a seat. Okay, cool. Thanks, man. Awesome. Yo, check this out. Satellite radio. Got two TVs and radio. That's pretty rad. That's home entertainment. You're very entertained. Oh, wow. You got a cute picture too. Oh, yeah. Me and my bubbe. Hey, let me ask you something. Yeah? Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like, euthanasia? Like, on her? If I needed to. I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't knowif we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started. - Maybe we should... - We'll save it. - Save it for next time. - I'll take that rain check. Business for the businessman. - Yeah, you got my number. - Okay. - Brass tacks. - Yes. Just got a shipment of the dopest dope I've ever smoked. Hands down, dopest dope I've ever smoked. Not better than the Blue Oyster. It can't be. I can't handle that. This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had... ...and they had a baby. And meanwhile, that crazy Northern Lights stuff I had... ...and the Super Red Especial Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked... ...this would be the shit that they birthed. - Yes. - This is the product of baby fucking. - Smell it. - Okay. Smell it. Enjoy. It's like God's vagina. What, you wanna bathe in it? - I wanna live in here. - You Wanna be it? My God, I just wanna shove it up my nose, have that smell all day. - That's amazing. - Shove it anywhere you like. Beautiful. What's it called? - Pineapple Express. - Pineapple Express. It's this thing, like, El Niño. This airflow that comes from Hawaii and Canada. It gets the dirt, mixes it in with the weed in a special way. It's very scientific. I won't go into it right now. But I am the only guy in the whole city that has it. Only 10 bones more for a quarter. Okay, I'll take a quarter. - All right, you're on. - Thank you very much. Let me get my scale. Get it going. Grab the scale. Let's get me out of here. I thought hurricane season was over. Oh, crow. Where are you, you little fucker? What the fuck is this thing? - Cross joint. - Yeah. - You ever smoke one of those? - You can smoke this? - Yeah, man. - No. This is the future. This is, like, the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O,Shaughnessy designed the first one. The guy who designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer... ...behind Hannskarl Bandel, Madison Square Garden. What you do is you light all three ends at the same time. - Really? - And then the smoke converges... ...creating a trifecta of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. The future. That's amazing. Well, got the weed? - Yeah. - In the bag. Beautiful. Okay. Be careful with that thing, man. Here's the cash, grab the stash. Alrighty, man, thanks. Have a good one. Don't hurt yourself. Adios. Well, hey, wait a minute, man. Let's smoke this fucking thing. I really... I can't, man. I gotta... I can't even light this thing on my own. Yeah, I need your help, man. - I'm in. - Come on! - Why not? Let's do it. - Come on down! Why not? What do I do? Okay, here's What you do. - You equip yourself. - I'm equipping. - Equip me, sir. - Okay. You are going to light these tWo ends while I light this end. - Okay. - Are you ready? - Ready. - Blast off. - I'm gonna do it. - Good. Go for it. It's better to cough. It's like... Makes you 10 times more higher... ...than the cross Weed and the Pineapple Express. You're like, totally fucking Gong Show,ed, man. Oh, fuck. Hang on one second, man. Oh, you fucker. Who is it? It's Chris Gebert, man. Let me up. Shit. What's a Gebert? Come on up. He ain't getting any of that Pineapple Express. Chris is getting Snicklefritz. Hey. So listen, man. I gotta ask you. So... Listen, man. You've been buying from me for, like, tWo months, right? - Two months. - I gotta ask, man. What's up with the suit? I'm a process server. So I have to wear a suit. Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? - A chauffeur? - No. No. What? No, I'm not... - Shine shoes? - I'm a process server. - I like... - In process. I work for a company that's, like, hired... ...by lawyers to hand out legal documents. Like subpoenas to people who don't want them. I gotta wear disguises sometimes just to make them admit they're themselves... ...so I can serve them the papers. Disguise. Kind of, I guess. - It's a hell of a job. - That's cool, man. Like a day-to-day basis, it's fine. Like today, I, like, sat in my car... ...I smoked, like, 10 doobies... ...and then I went to go visit my girlfriend at lunch. Nice. What? You sucked on her titties? No, I just kissed her. I just did that to make it seem cool. That's cool. Does she like to smoke weed? A little sometimes. She has a couple... She's in high school, so as much as any high-school kid. She's cool as hell, actually. - You'd get along With her. - Really? Yeah, you know, it only sucks... ...when I go visit her in high school and the guys she goes to school with... ...are strong and handsome and really funny. Like, do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb, fucking stinky ass-turd when I'm there. - What? - It really... It sucks for my ego. - Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man. - That's what I say. You know, don't get down on yourself. You got a great girl. You got a great job where you don't do anything. You get to smoke weed all day. I wish I had that. Are you kidd...? You do. You have the easiest job on Earth. - You do smoke weed all day. - That's true. You didn't think of that. - I do have a good job. - Yeah, you do nothing. - Thanks, man. - No prob. Thank you. Oh, shit. All right. Business. - Got my persona. - Yeah, yeah. Hey. Put that cross joint out. He sees that, he'll never get the fuck out of here. - What's up, Chris? - Yo, hey, Saul. - Hey. - How you doing, buddy? All right, homes. Good. - Who's this? - Hey. Oh, that's my friend Mark. You got the dough? There you go. - Appreciate it. - Nice. Good to meet you, Mark. - Do you have any Percocet, please? - Percocet? What are you talking about? I don't sell that shit. - Chris. - Chris. You told him I was gonna sell Percocet? - I didn't say anything about Percocet. - What the fuck? - I just wanted a couple Percocets. - Well, I... You came to the wrong place. Wrong place. - Sorry. - Yeah, nice. Peace out, homes. - Thank... - God. - What the fuck? - Yeah. - Fucking lingerer. - Yeah, totally. - Lingerer. - Hardcore. Fuck. - Bums me out. - Bums me out too. If there's one quality I hate in a person, it's lingering. - That's right. You and me both. - Yeah, yeah. So I'm curious. What have those people done that you go... ...and process and service? I don't know. It's alWays something different, I guess. This guy... Ted Jones, who knows. You know? - Ted Jones? - Yeah, why? My guy, Red, who I buy from, he gets his stuff from a Ted Jones. - Really? - Maybe it's the same guy. That'd be weird. It's a pretty normal name, I guess, but... Anyway, I should really get going, man. I gotta go. Duty calls, but it's good to see you. Thanks. You're gonna smoke and run? Come on, man. We can go look at some crazy things on the Internet together. That sounds appealing, but I think I should probably just get going. - Oh, that sucks. - Yeah. That's cool, man. What are you doing this weekend? Because, you know, my bubbe's got season tickets to the opera... ...and she can't make it, so wanna go see Phantom? - Of the Opera? - Yeah. I can't this weekend, but you know what? Here. You know... I'll run out of weed in a couple days. I'll come by, hang out. - We'll watch 227 and shit. - Definitely. Cool, man. Well, thanks. Good to see you. - Peace, brother. - Okay. One love. When you got behind on the mortgage... ...someone finally made you a loan? Yes, he did. Yes, he did. What was the interest rate you gotu - It was 12 or 13 percent. - That's disgusting. - Hello? - Hello. Hey, Angie, what's happening? I just talked to my mom, and they are so excited you're coming for dinner. Like, so excited. And so am I, but we're all really excited. Thank you so much. No problem. I'm psyched too. It's gonna be awesome. Couscous. The food so nice, they named it twice. Dale, anyway, I can't wait for next year when this bullshit's over. Oh, shit. I see the guy I gotta serve. I'll call you back. Fucking cops. Shit. Jesus. What an adorable little cop. Weird. Jesus. Fuck. What the fuck was that? Oh, shit. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Oh, no! - Drive, drive. - Who the fuck is that? I don't know, but I ain't waiting to see. Pineapple Express. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I sawbrains and blood! Come on! Come on! Where do I go? Hello? Saul, it's Dale. Let me in. Let me in. I just saw some crazy shit. Please. Let me in. - It's Dale Denton. Let me in, man? - Dale? Yes, Dale. That's what I said. It's Dale. Let me in. Oh, all right, man. Come on up. I buzzed it. Open the door when I buzz it. Buzz it in three seconds exactly. One, two... - Did it work? - On three! I did it on three. On "one, two, three, go"? Just on three. - He fucking killed him. - Hey, I got neighbors. He fucking killed him. - Who killed who? - A cop. A lady and a guy. A cop, a lady and a guy? That's a massacre. You saw it? No, it was just a guy. - What happened to the lady? - No. No. A woman. A policewoman and a guy, another guy, shot another guy... ...an Asian guy, in the window, at fucking Ted's house. Whoa, was the other guy Ted? I don't know. He was a big, gray-haired man... ...and he had a robe and he shot him. And his brain flew every... I'm gonna be... I'm gonna throw up. What? - That was chicken fries. - Sick. You threw up on my printer. - I did. - Did you break it? - I hope not. - Listen, man. I think the guy was Ted. And the Asians are number-two in town... ...so you sawTed capping the competition. They saw me seeing them shoot the guy. What? They saw you? And you fucking came here? - Did they follow you here? - I don't know. - Did they follow you here? - I don't know. Look. Look. Okay. I sawthem kill him. I freaked out. I panicked, okay? I tossed my roach. - I crashed into two cars. - Yeah. So they must have heard... They knowsomeone was out there. - They know someone saw. - They know "someone." They don't know it was you. Right? I don't... I mean, yeah. I don't know. - Yes. - I hope not. Relax. Just sit back. Get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind. Is it really that rare? It's, like, the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... ...with, like, a bomb. Are you the only guy in town who has this? - You're actually the only guy? - Yeah. My guy Red said he was giving me an exclusive sneak preview. I'm the only guy you sold it to? The other guys got Snicklefritz? Yeah. So We're, like, the only guys. And Red got this from Ted? Ted's the man. Let's get the fuck out of here! Go! Go! Let's go! Let's go! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house. So what? I throw roaches all over town. No. He could find the roach and say, "It's Pineapple Express. Saul is the only guy who has Pineapple Express. He must have seen the murder! Let's kill him!" - Let's get out of here! - Fuck! Wait! Stop! Get weed! Get the weed! Anything we might need. Snacks, food, Fruit Roll-Ups. - Let's get the fuck out of here! - Okay, okay. Red said he'd be here. Them some drugs. Smells like vomit in this house. Want a hit, man? It's still lit. I'm having dinner with my wife. She can tell. Smell it on my sweater. For real? Yeah, for real. You wanna wear my vest? It smell good. Not my style. You ain't got no style, motherfucker. You have reached the voice mailbox of... - Ted. - Ted, it's Budlofsky. - We're here. Saul's gone. - And Mathe... - And Matheson. - I think he knew We Were coming. They not here, Ted. Hi, Ted. Okay, what do you know about Ted? I think he's crazy about murdering. Jesus, man. Well, how much money do you have? - I have, like, the 75 that you gave me. - That's it? - Well, howmuch do you have? - Three bucks. What you getting on my case for? I have more than you. Well, that's my 75 technically. So I have $78 and you have nothing. I don't know. Let's just go... Go to a motel or a hotel and just hide out. The police were in on it. Could have flagged credit cards. They'll find us. Shit. I wish We could just go nowhere. Okay. Even if he found that roach, how could he knowwhere you are? Heat-seeking missiles. Bloodhounds. Foxes. Barracudas. I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's Weird. Thank you. Not a compliment. Here's the question. Let's say he actually found the roach. How could he connect the Pineapple Express weed to you? He can't, man. Only fucking Red knows. Only Red knows, man. Who is Red? Red's, like, the middleman between, like, Ted and me. And we're, like, mad fucking tight, man. One time, he got this girl... ...to give me a hand job, like, within five minutes of meeting her. It was like, "I don't even know your name, whoa." That is pretty rad, but, like, let's say Ted calls him and is like: "Did you sell the Pineapple Express to anyone?" He'll be, "Yeah, I sold it to Saul." Why wouldn't he? No. Oh, no. Fuck that, man. Fucking hand job, Dale. Imagine if I gave you a hand job. - Why would I wanna do that? - No, I mean if I got you a hand job. The same rules don't apply to Red. He's a drug dealer. I'm a drug dealer. Are you saying you don't trust me? No, that's not at all what I'm... You know what? You know? Just ignore What I said. Call him. Give him a call. See what the dealio is. - Hello. - Hey, Red, you okay? Yeah, Saul. Yeah, I'm fine, man. I just stubbed my toe. Be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork. Now, listen. You know that Pineapple Express stuff you gave me? Don't tell anybody that you sold it to me. I'd never talk to anyone... ...about the stuft that I do with you involving drugs. All right, cool. Listen, I'm gonna come by. I gotta lay some shit on you. There is a fly in the ointment. Shit has hit the fan. The lion will speak. - I'm in the middle of a convo. - No, seriously. - We're gonna be there in half an hour. - Perfect. - No, please. No, no, no. - Let's go over there and chill out. No, can we go tomorrow? Look, we're already here... There's somebody else on the phone with him. - Who? - I don't know. He's whispering to another man. We'll go in the morning. It's better that way. - Okay. - Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes. - Hey. - So you're coming by tomorrow? How'd you know that? Heard you whispering to that other guy that you were talking to. Who is that? Right, Dale. Good job. Listen, I can't go in the morning... ...because my bubbe... Gotta change her clocks. Daylight-savings. Is that the bubbe that's on 41 st and River Street? The one where we played shuffleboard that one time? You got it. So, listen, we'll be chilling by noon. - Noon it is, bromosexual. - Nice. We should hit up the casino again. It's been a while. Okay, yeah. We'll definitely hit the casino up. Definitely. All right, peace, brother. - Where is he? - I don't know. - Why'd he mention a casino? - I don't know. You make me call my good friend, send him into a booby trap. - And lie to him. - Is Saul Asian? - Making me a shitty person. - Is he Asian? - He's not Asian. - You're lying. - I'm not lying. I'm not lying. - You're lying. Did you hear slot machines? - Man, I don't know where he is. - You tell me Where he is. Tell me. In 45 minutes, I gotta go have dinner with my wife. - I got a reservation. - Forty-five? That's a dinner reservation you gonna miss. That's a reservation I'll make. - I don't think so. - Because if he doesn't start to... - Look, can you do this one solo? - No, I can't do this solo. Are you crazy? - What are you talking about? What? - What, you trying to abandon me? This is teamwork. This is a partnership. We are in this together. - You want me to stay? - Yes. - Fine, I'll stay. - Thank you. - You happy now? - Yes. There's no way that we could pause for a minute... ...you guys go home... ...and then tomorrow we could just, like, continue? I should call Angie soon. Make up some bullshit. I'm cold. You're cold? Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here. I run hot. - Really? - Yeah. - You got more body mass. - Thick blood. Yeah, no, take it. - Thank you. - I don't appreciate that, but it's okay. I'm gonna call Angie. Space. Dale, wait. Wait. The phones. The phones. - You said they Were cops, right? - They are, yeah. I was thinking, maybe they can... ...triangulate these things, man, or, like, trace them. - Right? - That's how they got Saddam. - Right. - Fuck. You're right, man. Maybe they can even trace them... ...like, when We're not even on them, you know? Maybe if we bury them, the reception will cut off and they won't be able to. We can tie it to an animal, be a diversion. We'll never catch an animal. The squirrel'd be up in a tree, they'd think we were. No, no, no. - We'll build a hot-air balloon and... - No. - We'll smash them. - Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna smash it. On a rock. - Right here. Good thinking. - Good idea. Yes, destroy it. - Get it. - Die. Yes. - What the fuck was that? - I was trying to hit that tree. I missed. - What tree? - That one. Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person? I don't know. How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty. Did you at least see where it landed? I don't know. Call it. Call it? With What? My phone has been smashed. I bet they can't even triangulate those things. Well, you convinced me they can. You were very convincing back there. Hey. Fine. I'll go find it. Fuck. - Do you see it? - See What? The phone, you idiot. Why are we here? This place is so fucking scary. At least I had an idea. You didn't, so shut up. That's not true. I had two ideas. Nowhere and Quiznos. - What? - What was that? - What? - What is that? - What? - I hear something. What? I don't know. Do you hear that? Dude, I literally hear nothing. Oh, fuck! Where are you going? What are you running from? Return to me now! Help me! Tell him to get away from me! I'm scared of this darkness! I surrender! - Go away! Go away! - I'm unarmed! - This isn't funny anymore! - Dale! - Fall back! - Save me! Oh, shit. Car. Open it! Open it! Open the door! Open it! - Unlock it. - I can't unlock it. What are you doing? Watch the upholstery. - Go! I saw something! - Go! What did you see? Shut up! Shut the fuck... Shut up, man! I heard something, then I saw something. You didn't hear anything, man. Well, I saw something. And you're telling me that guy in the little short shorts... ...broke your nose? - Right. The BeDazzler guy broke your nose, tough man? Wake up. Get up. Wake up. How did I get on you? I wonder. Watch finally broke. Crazy. What time is it? That can't be right. It couldn't be 3 in the morning, could it? It's 3:00 right now? Holy shit, man! We were supposed to be at Red's at noon, man. What if he's gone? No, it's daylight-savings, so... - So it's only 2:00. - Oh, no, it went forward an hour. It's 4 o,-fucking-clock? Fuck me. No, man. That's bad. Shit. We slept for, like, 18 hours. My bubbe... Man, my bubbe's gonna be so pissed. Shit. We gotta call Red. Okay. Now? We'll go to a pay phone. No, I can't. His number is in my phone. Great. Well, do you remember where he lives? Yeah, I know where he lives. What are you insinuating? Like, I'm forgetful? "Insinuating." Good word. Do you know what that means? - I do, believe it or not. - It means, like, "to seem like." Let's roll. I'm done With the woods. Let's go. Come on, let's get the fuck out of here. Okay. Let's go. No. It's not working. The battery's dead. Wait. What do you mean, it's dead? What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead. What do you mean, the battery's dead? How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul. How did this happen? Well, we clearly fell asleep with the battery on, and... Oh, man. To talk radio? - Yes, talk radio. - It's so boring, man. - Okay, okay. - The car just committed suicide. Shut up, man. I have an idea now. We're gonna go. We'll walk back to the road. We'll hitchhike. Someone will pick us up, take us to Red's. Red Will tell us everything's fine, everything will go back to normal. How does that sound? Good? - That's a good idea. - Keep our heads on. If we just keep thinking like this, we're fucking gravy. - All right. I'm in. - Let's do it. - Can I have my jacket back, please? - Yeah. - Thank you. - Thank you. Thanks for taking care of it. Look, it's like my thumb is my cock. That's not gonna get us a ride, man. Here's good. Thanks for the smooth sailing, Sharid. You're welcome. - You're sure We can trust this guy? - Yo, Red. Who is it? - It's Bruce. - Bruce? Who the fuck is this? - Saul. What's up? - Who do you think it is? Who's this? I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you. Dale who? It's best if you don't know my full name. Dale Denton. He's with me. Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. - Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay? - You better. - Get in here. - Coming in. - Y,all Wanna buy some drugs? - Frisk me. - What's up? What's up? - Get it. Look at that, huh? - What's up, players? - What's up? I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes? We were camping. - Camping? - Yeah. Is your lip okay, man? - You been crying? - Oh, my lip. It's a cold sore. Never had one before, so I started to cry. I think it's a lot worse than it looks, though. Cold sore? Does that mean fucking herpes? Yeah. Yes, it does. Fucking sick, man. You know how many joints we've shared? I know. I'm a disgusting person. Herpes is for life, bro. I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. Been taking Vicodin. Doesn't really take swelling down. It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it. Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole. You fucking said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man. Dudes, seriously, we're here for a reason. Just ask him. Chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here. We got a lot of time to hang out. - I'm making a fucking cake. - No shit. Can I have a piece of thatu - Don't ask for a piece. - I can't have a piece? No, you can't. This is private. Do you know what today is? - Tuesday. - This is my cat's birthday today. I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. You let it out by accident? No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy? Sorry. Today is his birthday... ...and it is a tradition that on his birthday... ...I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert. Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven. Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. Could've gone to hell. What are we talk...? Guys... Ask him. Just ask him, okay? Ask What? Just come straight. What's up? - Yeah, right. - Lay it on him. We need to know... We need to know about your source. - Ted. - Ted Jones. See, Dale, here, is a protest servant. I'm not. That's not what I am. He's not that, but he was outside Ted's house... Don't... Look, we don't want to bring you in to What we're in, okay? You don't Want any trouble. We don't Wanna give you trouble. It's probably best you don't know the whole story. - Don't think I can handle danger? - What are you talking about? - You can. - I totally can. And for you to come into my house... ...and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... ...well, in reality, it just makes you look like a dumb-ass. Look at this. See this? You see that? There's no hair under here, okay? What's the significance of that? It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger. Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know. Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"? - It's "uh-uh." - There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a Wacky night in the woods... ...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv? "Bong Mitzvah." Hit it up. Yes. There you go. Why don't you follow his lead and chill out? I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man. - You don't seem chill. - More chill than you. You're more chill than me? Look at what I'm Wearing. Kimono. What are you wearing? - Suit. - Yeah. Exactly. I don't knowwhat's up with you, but I don't knowif I like you. Well, I don't know if I like you either, man. Well, that's your loss, because I'm a great friend. I'm gonna use the telefono to call my wife, okay? - Give her a call. - I will. - Go ahead. - Don't pay attention to what I'm saying. - Go ahead. - Sit on my couch... ...my chillastic couch, and chill out. - I'm chilling right here. - Don't listen to what I'm saying. - This is private. This is my wife. - I'm listening. I'm not trying to be enemies. I don't wanna be. - I wanna be friends. - Well, then good. - I wanna be best friends. - Come here. - Shake my fucking hand. - Shake my hand. Okay. - See, we can be friends. - I'm feeling it. - You feel that? We can be best friends. - I'm looking through you, man. I'm looking through you too... ...and I see I need to paint the spot on the wall behind you. - I'm looking through you. - Transparent. - I see your intentions. - I see your intestines and intentions. - What'd I have for dinner last night? - Cake. I'll be right back. Make this phone call. Bullshit. No, no, no. - Liar. - What are you doing, man? He's a liar. He's lying to us, man. He's lying to us. No, he's not. He knows my name. He's acting weird. We can't let him phone anyone, man. Freaking out. You're paranoid. Give him the phone. I do not trust you, sir. - You're paranoid. - He's acting weird. Red, I'm sorry, bro. - Jesus! - Holy cock. Fuck you! What are you doing, man? He's sorry. Oh, Jesus. Herpes! I don't wanna have to do this. Red, you're crazy, man. You brought the devil into my house. - We're friends. - I know we are. - That's why it sucks. - Are you on meth again? Dale, he's hurting me! Toilet. Flush. What we do in this life echoes in eternity. True! He's going for the phone to call Ted! Stay out of here! Red, don't do it! - Red! - You assholes. You ruined my portable phone. - TeamWork. - Yes. You're gonna break the door. Gonna pay for it? Fuck. Phone. - Let go! Let go! Let go! - What the hell...? I let go, now just get this goddamn door off of me! Tell us everything, now! Said they were gonna kill me. What did you tell Ted? He's crushing my balls. Crushing my balls. Smash them. Fuck! Time out. Time out. - Truce. - Time in. Fuck you. - Stop! - Cheater! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Red! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Get... Fuck. God... Fuck! - Take it, motherfucker! - Time out! Fuck! No! No, no, no! Where you going, huh? Where do you think you're going, Mr. Wiggles? - Come on. Get back here. - Saul, help me! Help me! He's punching my bum! I'm done with this. Let's talk. Let's try words. Use words! No! No! No! You okay, man? - I'll get you another bong. - It's my cat's birthday. Happy birthday. - All right? - Thank you. I think there's a package in the mailbox. This ends now! Oh, shit. Was that too much? Can't get the edge. Wait. Got it. Got it. Hey, Dale. Think we're gonna have to kill him? I don't think I'm capable of murder. I don't think I am either. Maybe we could just convince him to kill himself. Or, just not say anything. We need to find out everything he knows, okay? Wake up. Hey, what's up, dudes? What's up? Tell us everything now. Talk, Red. I'm gonna flex and bust out of here. Trapped. Not happening, Red. Okay. All right. Okay, I'll talk. Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys. They're gonna kill me too, unless I turn y,all over. So you guys are basically fucked. How many cops does he have on his payroll? Tell us. - Well, there's the woman cop, Carol. - That's the lady cop. I don't know. He could have a bunch. This dude is super well-connected. And he has a really awesome hideout too. It's pretty badass. - Oh, shit. - What else? He's at a war right now with the Asians. They're in a drug war right now. Asians? What Asians? Indians are technically Asian. - It's true. - What Asians? I don't know. What? Chinese? Or Korean or... Vietcong? Yeah, little... Just little Asian people. Like, the Asians with the guns and the drugs, and not his friends. - Ding-dong. - Hey, Red! - Oh, shit. - Oh, they're here. They're here to kill me. Okay, I know I sold y,all out. I've been a son of a bitch and a shitty friend. Saul, I'm talking to you. Dale, you're a newfriend. I can make it up. I forgot, "bro's before ho's." Just go out the back porch. I won't say anything. - I'll cover for you. - Thanks. No sweat. It was Dale Denton. Dale Denton and Saul. They're on the back porch. You can catch them if you hurry. Go. Hey. In here. I've gotta get to a phone. Come on. - We should hide. - Why? If Red tells Ted's guys about my name... ...then they'll go to my apartment. There, I have Angie's name. They'll put that together, find her. Let's go. No. I think we should stay. - Why? - I'm in the dumpster already. Well, then, get out. Come on, you're already dirty. - They're gone. - Well, find out what he knows. Red, it's your last chance, man. You gonna give us something we can use? Matheson, you gotta be kidding me. I mean, What more do you want? I told you that the guy's name is Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, busted my house to shit. They kicked the hell out of me... ...duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want? Want me to read your horoscope? - You hear that, Ted? - Ask if either of them were Asian. - What skin color were they? - They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously. We're friends. Ted, you hear him? Dale Denton: Not Asian. All right. Kill Red. Listen, I would appreciate it if both y,all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987. What the hell are you doing? Ted told me to kill him. Well, how about a little fucking discretion here? See? See? See, right there. You see that? - You catch it? - See What? You used to not give a fuck about discretion. I seen you pull somebody's jawbone off. I seen it. You was ruthless. You was ruthless, man. What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach. I'm gonna die now probably. I had you all over here for dinner. Fish tacos. This how you do me? So, What did Budlofsky and Matheson say? I don't know. There's this guy, Saul... ...something, selling weed who Works with some guy, Dale Denton. That's all he got out of him. Do you think he has anything to do with the guy that We shot? Well, did he say anything else? Saul mentioned something about "going to the casino." - Weird. - "Going to the casino"? The Asians own the casino, Ted. - I need another beer. - He's gotta be working for them. Maybe affer we popped that guy, they hired this outside guy, Dale... What's his name? Denton? - To finish the job. Maybe. Maybe. Well, I'll be back in an hour. I'll have everything there is to know about this Dale Denton guy. Who he's screwing, who's his mother, everything. I have to take a shit. Wait. Where are We going? I gotta... I gotta get to Angie's. I have to make sure she's okay. What about my bubbe? Don't think they'll go after her. I mean, she has a difterent last name. Belogus. I don't know. We should get out of the middle of the road. Come on. You guys can wait as long as you want... ...but one minute from right now, I'm gonna eat some food. And you can call it rude. You can call it Whatever you want. You can be polite with your clean plates, but I'm gonna be eating food. Dad, he'll be here. I'm going in the other room and eat it, check my e-mail. I'm done. Honey, we're at the table. No one's going to leave the table. - Okay. This is it. - All right. Let's do this. No, no, no. I'm going alone. - No. - Yeah. Yeah. - I wanna meet Angie. - You'll meet her later, man. Look. Look, I need you to stay out here. Keep guard, okay? - It's important. Watch my back. - Okay. - Thanks. - All right. Just be yourself. I'll keep guard. Hey. Shit. Oh, no. Hey, Dale. - Hello, Dale. - Hey. Dinner. This is the dinner you invited me to. That was tonight. That's why I'm here. Sit. Please. Of course. Hi. - Hi. - Shannon. - Intros. - Great to meet you. - Robert, if I'm not mistaken. - Sit down, so We can eat. - Hi, Dale. - Hi. Okay. - What happened to you? - Nothing. I'm supposed to be here right now. So I'm here. - You're all dirty and bleeding. - No, I'm not. I'm here for dinner. - You have scratches on your forehead. - Dude, you smell like shit. - Dale, what happened to you? - I was in the woods. - In the Woods? - Yeah. Isn't that weird? I was... - I was in the woods. - What were you doing? I bird-watch. I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder, okay? I sawsomeone murder someone else... ...and I think they've been following me. There's a good chance they went to my apartment... ...where Angie has a lot of things. Her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written... ...and it's on my fridge. So they could then find this house. They could come here. We should call the police right away. We can't. The police were the murderers. We can't call the police. They were the murderers. Angie, I swear to God, you do something or I'm gonna... - So fucked up. - No. Don't let him "gonna." No, don't wanna. Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate. - Are you high? - What? No. I'm not high. Why...? You are high as a fucking kite. I'm not high. Let's go. We're not going. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with? With a gun. You better be out. I'm not fucking with you. Your gun? His gun? Why do you...? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? No, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade. I just want you to know, I always got your back. And I'm glad we're partners. - This is so exciting. - Okay, okay. Is this where you're parked? Let's sally forth. Who is after you, after Angie? They're drug dealers. I have reason to believe that they're drug dealers. What are you talking about? You're out of your mind. - I know it sounds crazy. - Hide. Dale! Dale! Dale! It's happening. I was eating a Fruit Roll... - Why'd you do that? - God! - Get it! - Jesus! Okay! Just stop! - Angie, What did you do? - He's one of the drug dealers! - He's my pot dealer. - He's your pot dealer? - I got it. - Get it. - Gross. Are you okay? - Dale, who is this? - He's my... Oh, shit. Get down. - Dad! What was that? That was a gunshot. Stop! Stop it! Stop it! - He's with me. - I'm the good drug dealer. - Put the gun down! - Put down the gun. You assholes do exactly what I say... ...or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street. - No, don't. - Don't fuck us anywhere. - Where's your gun? - I don't need it. Kill motherfuckers With my hands. Get out your goddamn gun. You're making me uncomfortable. Anybody out there? Fucking hide-and-seek. Say, now. Hey, the food's still warm. Love it. I found a bloody fork. It's fucking freaky, man. They could still be here. Did you check the rest of the house? I'm about to check that bathroom, I know that much. Come on, Saul. Come on. Come on. Come on. Yes. We made it. We're all safe, guys. We made it. - What are you doing? - Get out. Get out of my car. I can't believe you think it's an option. Okay. Okay. That makes sense. It makes sense. Come on, let's go. It makes sense. He's right. - Stay away from my family. Period. - So where do we go? What do we do? Go to the Days Inn downtown, okay? Use a fake name. Garagely. I'll contact you. I don't knowwho these people are, what they're capable of... ...but I Will keep you guys safe, I promise that. Fuck off, loser. Angie, you're a fucking idiot. I say that With love. Okay, you call this Mocha Milkshake. This one here, English Breeze. Charge $40 for these. - Forty? - Yeah. This one, Da Vinci's Brush. Call this one Bumble Bush. And this here, Spanish Trampoline. Crazy With them names, ain't you, T? What the fuck is...? What is it, Spanish...? Spanish Trampoline. Used to call it Spanish Mudflaps... ...but Troy likes to trampoline so Spanish Trampoline. - Almost the same number of syllables. - How much? - Forty-five for these last three. - All right. - And leave me the best stash. - All right. It's Pineapple Express. Get your ass up. Yup, of course. So get this: We triangulated the cells. They smashed one, threw the other in the woods to try to distract us. It took an hour for Jared to find it. And then he said that he found Denton's car... ...filled with all these strange disguises. A powdered wig, a sombrero, leotards. I mean, What the fuck does that mean? Why don't I just call the Asians and talk to Cheung? Why beat around the bush, you know? Hello? Cheung, it's Ted. Record this conversation. Ted, what a surprise. What can I do for you? Well, Cheung, my friend, let me tell you. You know, we both know that you sent one of your very skilled... ...hit men over here last night, and I and my colleague... ...made a little decoration on our window. Should have seen it. We painted the wall with his brain. Painted it. And nowthis Dale Denton guy? You serious? Just stop it, okay? Stop it or you're asking for war. Do you want a war? - What? - What? - Hello? - Troy? Dad! Get off the phone. I told you I'm gonna call some hot bitches later... ...and this is the time. - I got you your own line... ...so you would stay off mine. Get off the phone. Don't talk to me like that. I'm not a little kid, I'm a man! And from this point forward, I'm not taking any of your fucking shit. I love you, Dad, but the dynamic in our relationship is about to change. Troy, do me a favor, get oft the fucking phone! - Shit. - So you have a son. Sounds like a very nice boy. All right, you listen to me, Cheung, you motherfucker! It is on! We're coming at you with everything we got! It's on, so you better get your head out of your ass... ...and be ready for everything! You are fucking dead! You are so dumb. Do you have any idea how Weak you just made us look? Goddamn it! Totally sweet. Ted Jones is slipping. We shall strike now with full force. Your brother's death will not be in vain. I gotta say, I've had, like, a lot of weed dealers in my day. You're the coolest I've ever had. They were all dicks. - Really? Thanks, man. - No problem. I really appreciate it. That means a lot to me. It's, like, you're the first guy that I ever sold to that I became friends with. They say, like, "Don't dip the pen in company ink." I'm totally glad I dipped in your ink, bro. Yeah. We should get out of town. That's probably our next move. Just get on a bus and leave, right? Get bus tickets. Go to the next town. Contact some police. You know what I was saying? Like, I'm totally... You're glad you dipped your pen in my ink. But We should get bus tickets and leave, right? What? Get on the bus? Leave? Buy bus tickets? I only have, like, 50 bucks. I don't think that'll even buy one ticket. What about your sack? Oh, man, it's fucking killing me. I feel like I popped one. No. That's unfortunate, but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean, like, the sack of weed. Couldn't we just, like, sell some weed... ...get some cash and buy bus tickets? - Of course, man. That's what I do. - That's what you do. Fucking A. Okay, so you're gonna buy tickets for Saturday's game, right? These guys are amazing. What the fuck do you want? You guys wanna buy some chronic? What's this stuff called again? Pineapple Express. They said it eight times. - Yeah, but don't call it that. - Yeah, that's not what it's called. - Call it Banana Boat. - Make sure you leave it at Weed too. This can be a gateway drug. Don't wanna move on to other things. - Cocaine. Don't do that. - We don't fuck around. - Don't worry. Don't tell us what to do. - Inhale it, Chachi. Inhale it. Who the fuck's Chachi? - How much money you guys gotu - Come on. You each get as much as you can grab with one hand. Go easy. That's a big handful, guys. Come on. - Keep it on the down-low. - Don't tell anybody where you got it. You got it from Saul... I mean, you got it from Santiago and Dunbar. - Go. Come on. - Go, go. Vamoose! You fucking did it, man. You are a good salesman. You got it in you, man. I'm about to go get some celebratory Slushees. Get some burritos or something. Something to drink too. Something good. See you, man. Nice. Don't move. Don't you move. This shit hurts. Don't move. What's in your hand? It's Weed. It's a joint. It's a roach. - Right here. - I was just smoking... I thought it was decriminalized, to be honest with you. I have horrible anorexia, and it helps my appetite. I'm so sorry. Look, selling narcotics to my students is not decriminalized. - Okay. I understand. - I'm the liaison officer for this school. And guess what? I just saw three students Walking from back here... ...with their eyes as red as the devil's dick. You're busted. - On the hood. On the hood. - Okay, okay. I'm on the hood. Come on. - Stand still. Stand still. - I'm still. I'm sorry. You better hope it's clean. Better hope ain't shit on this record. I'm gonna put my foot up in your ass. Oh, big sexy with glasses. This is Ofticer Barbara. Requesting an update on fugitive Dale Denton. I repeat, requesting update on Dale Denton. I have the fugitive in custody. 425, 425, what's your location? You going down. What? What do you mean...? Why am I going down? What did that thing tell you? What are you doing? What did I tell you? What did I tell you? I wasn't doing things. Why do you hate me so much? Hit-and-run, Mr. Denton. Hit-and-run. Two parked cars, tWo nights ago. One of them Was actually a police cruiser. You gotta be the dumbest motherfucker in captivity. It's the lady cop. They got Dale. Oh, shit. So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones... ...and a police officer shoot somebody? - Exactly. - And you sawit? - Yes, do you believe me? - Give me a minute. - It was a Woman or a man? - It was a policewoman. A woman. - I think I know who that bitch Was. - Yes. I will identify that bitch. Thank you so much for believing me, ma,am. Thank you. I'll tell you, I'll get to the bottom of it. I'll take this badge off, get to the bottom of it. I don't work for the law. The law Works for me. I been smelling something in this department. Keep your eyes on the road. - Gonna get to the bottom of this shit. - Stop! Son of a bitch! Oh, no. What the hell was that? What is that? No, no, no. - No. What are you doing? - I'm saving you, amigo! Freeze, goddamn it! Don't even think about it! This is an old-fashioned escape mission, buddy. Stop this car! - What the fuck are you doing? - Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! It's the lady cop! That's the murderer! Go! - That's the lady cop. - Who's that? I don't know. They're shooting! Oh, my God, they're shooting! Fuck. Dude! I can't see! The Slushee! - Turn on the Wipers! - It's not working! Well, kick out the window! - How do you drive with one foot? - I don't know! Fuck! I think I pulled my groin! Get your foot out of there. She's gaining on us. She's behind us. Her car's better. - Get your leg out of there. Seriously. - I can't. Put it into maximum overdrive! Oh, no, no, no! Oh, shit! Get it out! I can't see! Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree, tree! Squirrel! Hey, I can see through my leg hole. Nice! Look out! Tree, tree, tree! You did it, man. All right! Look out! Oh, shit! Turn around! Turn around! I'm scared, Saul. I'm scared. - Don't worry. I'm handling this. - Do something. All right, hold on. I got an idea. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Go! Go! Go! Go! Sorry! What the fuck was that? Fuck. I'm sorry. I thought she'd just go past. - Why? - I don't know. Oh, my. Yes! Yes! We made it! All right, man. - Let's get the fuck out of here. - No. What are you doing? You forgot me, you idiot! Come back! Come back! Saul! - Sorry, man. - Thank you. - Let's go. - Wait. Get the handcuff keys, you idiot. I haven't used a gun since Uam. Angie, you have exhibited poor decision-making skills. Oh, this is my fault. And we have hosted violence in our home because of it. - "Hosted violence"? - He's a bad guy. You don't see that you have stooped way, way below... - You lowered your expectations... ...of what you are worthy of. ...but this guy is so far beneath you. You deserve much better. Open your heart to someone who deserves you. Or don't have a boyfriend at all for a while. - We're stuck in this room. - I love him. - It's not your decision. - Love him? - You don't know What love is. - I'm gonna date him. - We're going to the police. - That's what I said. - I know. - He said not to go to the police. - You should listen. He's a lawyer. - You come with us. - He can't possibly work in law. - I'm not going anywhere. - You stay. - We're leaving. - You stay in the room. - Fine, go. Fine, go. And we don't need the shampoos. Why did...? As soon as we kill those sacks of shit tonight, Ted... ...l'm moving on. Okay. All right. And I promise you you're gonna be taken care of. As sure as shit you will. For now, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to the farm tonight, we're gonna move tonight's shipment. Then tomorrow morning, we're gonna hunt these guys down. Dale, Saul, the Asians. Every last one of them. We're gonna fucking kill them all. So smile. Shut up. Say something in Spanish. Go ahead. I dare you. Go ahead. All right. Are you using protection? - Days Inn. - Yes. May I have the Garagely room, please? - Hello? - Hello, is Angie there? - Dale. - Angie? - My God, are you okay? - I'm good. I'm fine. I'm great. - Are you okay? - Yes, I'm fine. Okay, good. I came up with a plan. It might sound weird at first, but just listen. Dale. You know what? Drug dealers... Let me tell you something. Drug dealers are trying to kill me. And you. And my family. I can't believe I'm in this situation right now because of you... ...and your addiction to marijuana. I cannot believe I'm here. I can't be addicted to marijuana. A, I use a bong. It filters out the addictive shit. Seriously. B, what does that have to do with anything? I witnessed murder. And nowI'm dealing With it. This, that's happening between us, this is normal. This happens to every couple dating for three months. - We have to work through it. - No. This doesn't happen to anyone. I should not be in this situation, so fuck you. You know what? It's over. Good. Fine. Whatever. It's over. Congratulations. Sad to happen sometime, right? Why not now? What the fuck does that mean? It means that you are gonna go to college next year. You'll get into Godspeed Nou! Black Emperor... ...and the fucking Shins. And you'll blow a bunch of dudes and become a lesbian... ...and I'll be here in fucking Clark County doing shit-all. You're gonna dump me. So, fuck it, have a good time. A lesbian? Fuck you, Dale! You never did like me anyway, did you? You didn't wanna meet my parents. I always cared about you. That's not what this is. Okay? I always care about you. Why don't you ever act like it, huh? Why do you never act like you care about anything? Because I'm high! Fuck! And it... What do you want...? Okay. Jesus. Call me when I can go home. You lost it playing Bid Whist? You pimp. No, I'll give you more, but you cannot gamble with it. I know, I'm sorry about the clocks. I couldn't remember if it was today or tomorrow. All right, I gotta go. I love you. You wise-ass. Hey, you all right, man? That sounded pretty hectic. I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here. First things first. - Don't do that, okay? - Yeah. Why not? Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened... ...because we were smoking marijuana. No, man. It happened because those kids... ...couldn't keep their shit on the down-low. In case you haven't noticed... Which you haven't. From what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever. - We are not very functional when we're high. Which is all the time. Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those Slushees. What do you gotta say to that? Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help, you made things Worse. We're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit. Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Only reason I started selling pot... ...is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home. - She must be proud of you. - She is proud of me. I'm gonna become something. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits. You idiot. What the hell do you do? What am I gonna do? Besides stay in my home... ...for fear that you've designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about life. - Giving lessons about life. - Put me in my place. I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he doing? Boring people to death on the radio. You are an asshole. That's all you are. You're an asshole. - I'm not an asshole. - You are an asshole. I feel pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm, like, a totally nice guy. I'm just as nice as you are. So don't bring that out. In the woods, I gave you my jacket. You were cold and I clothed you. Now about in the park when I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back. Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other. I like the drugs you sell. That's it. If you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you Were... ...and I would be fantastic right now. Instead of looking like this. That sounded mean. Just hearing it sounded mean. - I didn't mean to say... - It's out. Monkey's out of the bottle, man. What? That's not even an expression. Pandora doesn't go back in the box. He only comes out. I'm sorry, man. Look... - What are you doing? - Here. Have a nice last meal. Come on, man. Don't do that. Why don't you supersize it, bitch? I'm sorry, man. Look, come back. I didn't mean that. I love you. Do you love me? That looks great. Hello? Dale? It is Dale. Angie, I'm calling because I love you more than anything in the World... ...and I wanna let you know I'll do anything to make it work. I'll do anything. I've had a near-death experience, and when that happens... ...you can prioritize your life, and you are it, okay? So please just take me back, please. - I love you. - I love you. - Yeah? - I just don't wanna lose you, Dale. We were driving away from the house and I just kept thinking... I don't know. I just... I wanna marry you. I made a mistake. - What do you mean? - I've... - What? - I'm just processing that last bit. - You wanna... Oh, fuck. - What? I don't know. I realize now that if you would take me back... ...then you are very naive and immature. You don't see what a fuck-up I am. I'm in no shape to be dated by anyone. - You're the one that's immature. - I'm not immature. You're immature. I am somewhat immature, but you're more immature. I'm older. Just because you're older. I lost my virginity when I was 14 years old. - Really? - How many girls have you slept with? - Like, two and a half. - Two and a half? What is a half? Your hand? No, it was the tip or I dipped a ball in. I can't remember why. I remember thinking, "This doesn't count as a full point." If I said three, I'd feel like a liar. I was drunk. Screw you. Get me out of this room. I will, and that's the last you'll ever hear from me, okay? Oh, thank goodness. Okay. Belogus. Faye Belogus. Lookit there. Lookit there. Do you use the pool over here? Yes, I use the pool. Come on, what do you want from me? Your grandson. We need you to get on the phone with your grandson... What are you talking about, my grandson? You told me you wanna sit down, play dominos with me. And nowyou're hocking me about my grandson. - Is that Yiddish? - Yes. Yes, it is. May I call you Faye? You can call me Faye, but I'm gonna call you a stinker. Hey, Mrs. Mendelson. What do you want from me? Bubbe. Hey, guys. - Well, look who it is. - Hello, baby. Damn. Oh, shit. Sorry, Betty. They kidnapped my grandson. Yeah, these tWo guys came in... ...they sat down with me to play dominos. I never saw them in my life before. And they kept asking questions about my grandson. - What did they look like? - One of them was very tall and sloppy. And the other guy, he was very good-looking... ...but he was short as shit. But the Worst part was... ...that my grandson came in, why, and in pajamas. - You gotta find my grandson. - Do the best... - Do you promise? - I promise. Absolutely. You've got something there. I believe that's a mole, ma,am. You sack of shit. Do you know what a pain in the ass you've been? No, man. I don't wanna get out. Who gave you that lollipop? Let's go. Where am I, man? What? You guys started it, man. I don't even wanna be here. Shit. Did I do that? Hey, hey. All right, okay. Fuck you, man! - Stand back. Ted wants him alive. - Why you holding me back? Ted wants him alive, okay? I should be kicking his fucking teeth in. - If anybody's gonna beat him, it's Ted. - I look like hamburglar. And the Elephant Man. Like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot. Professional. Professional. - Professional on this, bitch. - Whatever, man. - Where were you? - I was there. - Supposed to be my partner. - I was there. No, you wasn't. How did this happen? I take the hit? That's how it's gonna be? Fuck all this, you know? Get him out of here. Take him downstairs. Get this asshole out of my sight. I don't wanna go near this guy. What's down there? Fucking rancor? I might act tough... ...but I got a lot of feelings. And you hurt damn near every one of them. This ain't over. - You know you gonna die, right? - Yeah. I'm gonna kill the fuck out of you. I hope you enjoy these last 17 minutes of your life... ...because when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like: "Kill that motherfucker." I'm gonna kill your motherfucking ass. Watch your head. Hey, watch him. Oh, my God. El Dorado. The legends are true. Look at all this weed, man. What's that? Purple Granddaddy? - Come on. - Purple Nurple? OG Kush? OG Kush. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. - What kind of irrigation...? - Shut up. - Can I touch it? - Come here. Hello? Red? - Red? - What the fuck? Get out of here, man. I didn't do shit, Denton. Look, I come in peace, okay? I'm not here to fight you again. Good. Because I'm tired, man. Not feeling so hot. You don't look great. They shot me, Denton. They got me right here. - Yeah? - Right here. And then they got me again right here. Look, man, I'll call 911 right now. They'll save your life, okay? - You don't need to die. - No, bro. You don't get it. It doesn't really matter where I'm at. If I'm at the hospital, if I'm here... ...Ted's gonna find me, man. He will. And when he does, he's gonna fucking kill me. He's just, like, an asshole. I couldn't agree more, Red. That's why I've come here, okay? You know Ted? He took Saul. And I'm gonna get him back. You know, like, he saved my life. We've been on the run together. He's a great friend. A good guy. He is. I'll tell you that, man. Saul is a good dude. I was mean to him, man. I wronged him and I can't... I can't let it end like that. I'm just into Buddhism and I'm at peace with the fact... ...that me as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell, and it's like they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. It's like I'm just a hermit crab changing shells. Except, if you're a dick your whole life... ...your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach. Or a Worm, or a fucking anal bead, okay? If you're a man, and you act heroic... ...you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law. Okay? Which would you rather be? Maybe the anal bead. Might... Depending on who it belongs to. It belongs to me. - Then the dragon. - Exactly. You need to help me, okay? Just use it, you know? Use the pain. You'll have a second wind. Let's get up and go get Saul back. Use it. - Aren't you angry at Ted? - Yeah, I'm really mad at him. What do you wanna do? Don't you wanna get up, do something about it? Maybe that would be cool to do to him. I don't think "maybe" is the answer. I think, "Yes, I'm gonna help you, Dale"... ...that's the answer I'm looking for. Come here. Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers. Thug life. Oh, shit. Get those. I don't wanna run them over in the vacuum... ...and shoot my face off, okay? - I'm sorry. I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute. Don't. Just something quick like that. - Don't. - Yeah. - Don't. You stop it right now. - Stop it. Oh, God. That's a big hideout. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm infected. My shit's all fucked up. I need medical attention. What? I thought we just got all pumped up. What was that about? Ted is a fucking murderer. I can't fuck with him. I got a wife. She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her. I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow. Oh, man, no. This is lame of you, man. Come on. This could be your moment of redemption. This could be your moment. I don't want a moment. I don't want... Fine, go. Fuck you. Please come back for me. Please come back. Legends never die, dude. I'll tell your story. Carol, she's cool now. Carol used to be a little crazy, man. She used to throw tickle parties. - Sounds like home-cooking to me. - That was fun. Game over, motherfuckers! Everybody freeze! Tell me where my friend is or this guy gets it! All right, everybody be cool, man. Be cool. Put your guns down. Nobody shoots. Put them down. On the ground. All right, everybody just chill. Oh, my God! - You shot him. - Put the gun down. - Drop the fucking gun. - Don't shoot me! - Holy shit. - I said, nobody shoot. You shot Pete. That's right. I shot him. I shot him. I shot him. I don't have time for a fucking negotiation. Now, I wanna finish this off so I can go home... ...and have dinner with my wife for once. If anybody asks, Denton killed Pete. End of story. I'm telling Ted. - If you do... - He's got a piece. - Motherfucker. - Okay, I'm sorry. He's got another one, in the side. Damn it. I got one more on my leg. There's one more. I know you'll find it. Take it. I'm sorry, guys. Sorry I deceived you. No. Come on. - Oh, great. - Saul. - Dale. - Yes. What did you do, rat me out? Is that what you did, you bastard? - No, man. - Yes. I'm here to save you. No. You just got caught too. And I'm gonna die in here with some asshole. Okay, you know what? I deserved that. I'll take that because I have been an asshole, man. This whole thing is my fault. I ruined your life. Okay? And I know there's no way... ...to make that up to you except by saving your life. So that's What I came here to do. I'm here to save my best friend. Because that's what you are. You're my best friend. You're a mean jerk. I was mean. I was mean because, I think... I didn't Want you to be my best friend. I didn't Wanna think that that's what my life was. Now I realize I'm lucky to have you as my best friend. You're the best guy I know. BFFF. Best fucking friends forever, man. Seriously. - All right. Give me a hug. - Yeah. Okay. Thanks, man. I'm so sorry about everything. Oh, I'm such a dick. - Okay. I'm gonna get us out. - No, you're not, but it's okay. These guys are gonna fucking kill us. We gotta get out of here. - I know. They are. - Fuck, man. We can hear you outside and it's very fucking annoying, all right? - Okay. Sorry about that, sir. - Shut the fuck up. Do you know what "shut the fuck up" mean? I do. Shit. Stupid motherfuckers. Yes. Okay. I got an idea. I got an idea. My belt buckle. My belt buckle. Right here. Okay? Rub your wrists against my belt buckle. That'll do it. - Is it Working? - I can't feel it. I can't feel you. - Wait, I feel it. - I feel it. Yes, okay. - Okay. - Okay. Okay. - I'm gonna save you, man. - Yeah. Yeah. - Let me save you. - Save me, Dale. It's not Working. We gotta change angles. We gotta get more leverage-y. Okay. Okay, that's good. That's good. Get your hands up on it. There we go. - All right. All right. - Yeah. Okay. - Yes. Yes. - Okay. I'm gonna save you, man. I'm gonna save you. - You're my best friend, man. - Yeah, see? - It's not working. - Let me use my... I'll use my mouth. Finish it off with my mouth, pal. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Harder. - Where are these fuckers? - We got them downstairs. - Where did you find them? - Found Saul at his grandmother's. He fucked up Matheson's face. Hit him with a pot of hot coffee. It's gross. Dale Denton comes flying in here like a madman... ...armed to the teeth, and, as you can see, he shot Peter. Plugged him, just whacked him. How they're both disarmed and they're downstairs. He shot Pete? Fucking Pete? He was ex-CIA. Who the fuck is this Dale Denton? Who is he? Where did he come from? I do not know. Time to cook shit up tonight. Take his stash and burn this motherfucker down. Stop. Wait here. No retreat, no surrender. Yes, yes, yes. - Wait, someone's coming. - Okay, okay, okay. If I cough once, I'll take the lead. If I cough twice, you go, okay? Well... I cough sometimes for real. Just don't. Don't... Yo, look. I'm gonna say this one time. Whatever you're doing, I get it, okay? Stop. See, I don't think you understood me. I can hear everything you're saying. One cough mean you go. Two cough mean you take the lead. The belt buckle. Best friends forever. Y,all fuck on your own time, man. Sorry, man. It was a stupid plan. What the fuck is that? Dale! I've been Waiting for this. You burned my face! I'm gonna tear this ass up. You shot me. I'm sorry, man. I've never been shot. Damn, that hurt. I got glass in my ass. - Dale. Dale! - This is messed up. Has anyone seen my bigger knife? Asians! War is upon you! Prepare to suck the cock of karma! Get down, motherfucker! Come on! Fuck! Go! Go! Get down, baby! Dale, no! No, wake up, man. No, you're not dying, man. Not without me. - Dale. - What? You're alive. - You're... You're alive. - What happened? - He got your ear, man. - He got my what? - He got your ear. - Fuck! Fuck! - Help! - My ear. - Yeah. - Help! - You killed my ear. - You shot me. - I didn't do that. - He shot me. You shot him? - Get your hands off of me. - Shut up. We've had enough out of you. I'm not your friend. Maybe I can just... No. No, infected. Is that it? Maybe if we just hold it. It's clear. Dude. Look. Nice. Bullets. So seriously, how gross does my ear look? Is it really disgusting or is it, like, kind of cool in a way? Right now it's pretty disgusting. I feel like I can smell it. Don't worry, bro. Think about Evander Holyfield. You can't even tell. That's a good point. Wait. Did you shoot that guy? No. I'm out of bullets. Me too. Maybe it was ricochet. Gravity. Oh, nice. You go down. I'll cover. Watch my back. I'll go down and take care of this. Sexy motherfucker. No, no, there might be more bad guys up there. No, we'll sneak out through the vent. Come on. I'll boost you up, okay? And then you pull me up. Oh, nice. Here we go. Okay. Get up. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Nice. Okay. Pull me up. I'm ready. Go. - Give it to me. - Come on. - Be taller. - Be stronger. - Pull harder. - Dale, come on. Pull. Pull me. Come on, man. - I'm jumping as high as I can. - Denton! Dale! I'll get help. I'll get help. Go ahead and run, you little dipshit. I'll find you. Give me that fire extinguisher. Okay. You and me, baby. Drop it now! Put the bag down! Now! Fuck you! Fuck the police! Motherfucking kill you! - Why you doing this to me? - Why you doing this to me? Oh, shit! Come here! I hate you! No! Ted, stop it! Come on, bitch. Come on, I'll twist your balls so tight. You're in the jungle now, baby. Jesus! Fuck. Gonna die. - You killed... - I didn't wanna do that. But you weren't gonna stop. Shoot him! Just take it easy, buddy. Shoot him, you dumb fuck! I'm hungry. I'm going home. All right. Help. I knew you were going soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole. Fucked up, man. - Well, lookie here. Mr. Folgers. - Oh, man. What's up, sir? - Look, I didn't Wanna hit you, man... - Shut the fuck up. You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker, huh? You need to sit your little sexy ass down... ...and watch yourself get killed now. All right. You know what? This is how it's gonna be? All right. This is howit ends. You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker. How you like me now, huh? Gross. Red? Saul. Hey, Saul. I came back for you, bro. - Yeah. - I remembered, man. Bro's before ho's. - You lied to me. - I did. I lied bigtime to you. Dale said that you didn't even have herpes and I said that you did. Honestly, like, from now on, from everything that we've gone through... ...and, like, from seeing this asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo... ...I Wanna be a better friend to you, like I really am. I fucking love you, dog. Fucking love you. I wanna be inside you, homes. No more lies, Red. - This is my moment. - This is your moment. Red! You know what? I'm feeling it. Red, I'm coming, baby. Your stupidity amazes me. Hey, Ted! You killed my brother... ...Caucasian son of cocksucker! Suck my balls! TWo times! Bitch! Bring it on. Shit. Dale. Dale! Holy shit! Sorry, Ted. Yo? 've been served. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Sa? I! Sa? I! Wake up, man! This place is gonna collapse! Come on! Come to me! Yo? 're not dying today, friend. Not on my watch. Saul. Wake up, man, please. Saul. Wake up. Oh, sweet Saul. Saul. Yes. Yeah. Saul, you made it. - What? - Yeah. Where am I? You made it, man. - You saved me. - You came back for me. - Yeah. - Oh, thank you. What happened? Holy shit. What's that? Hi. - Red? - Red? - Red. - Hey. Red. Where'd you come from, man? Where'd he come from? He came back to save us. - He saved us? - Yeah. All right, man. - We all saved each other. - Yeah. Oh, man. We made it, guys. We made it. Oh, we made it. Hello, you're listening to PPRPBP. I am Dale Denton. The topic of the day: New beginnings. Getting over losses. Friends. Life. We have our first caller. Yes, ring-ring-ring. How's it going? Hi. Am I on the air? You are. You're about to get D'd by the Dale. A D in the face. - Dale Denton? - Yeah? You're my hero. You are good, man. Seriously. - Thanks. - Gotta admit, you're pretty good. - It sounds pretty good. - It sounds real. - It's not bad, huh? - If I close my eyes, it sounds like... - You are on the radio. - That's the radio. That's a DJ. - If you were on it, I would listen to it. - Thanks, man. It's like when my bubbe was always playing opera... ...I hated it, but my bubbe loves it. Then it grows on you. It grows on you. Yeah. It's like Red. I didn't like Red when I first met him. - You didn't like me? - You liked him so much... ...I like you now. I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends? Just us, for real? - We should all be best friends. - We should. Seriously. You guys are, like, both of my best friends. You didn't know it. Now you know it, we'll all be best friends. Know those hearts that break up, "best friends"? We should get a three-way one. - I don't know if they make those. - We should make the first one. I want the middle piece, so it'll be crooked on both sides. I know We've gone over this, but, like, 1000 pardons, 1000 pardons, please. - I fucked up... - I was a dick to you, man. I'm sorry. I know I was an asshole. I hope I redeemed myself. - I know me and you had our deal. - We've had some times. I feel like something's happening here. Is that a boner? Is that a condo? That us moving into an apartment together? Is that us getting a time-share? - You threw an ashtray at his face. - You hit me, man. At the time, I was like: But it was kind of funny. You hit me with a DustBuster, man. I didn't Wanna hurt you. It was like, "You better not leave here." - That was such a good fight, man. - That was. You fuckhead. - The car chase was awesome. - You got into a car chase? - Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. - Yeah, it was... I, like, had my foot through the window. My groin... I mean, I felt like a wishbone. - I just feel different about everything. - Me too, man. Everything. Like, I never Wanna kill anybody else again. - Ever. - That's something you pretty much... You can just kind of dip your toes into. We kind of dipped our toes into murder. I killed six guys, I think. How many guys did you...? - We each shot several people. - A lot. Some people get a taste for it, but I don't. I shot someone who was already dead so that doesn't count as a murder. Apparently you hit him with your car, I'm told. - That... You killed him. - Okay, so I did murder somebody. - You murdered, man. - Not a big deal. That's cool. - That's cool. Whatever. Kill or be killed. - I know. I'm trying to decide how stoned I am... ...and just how on the verge of death am I now. Am I seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I have no blood leff? - You've been shot, like, seven times. - You gotta eat. - You're losing stuft. - Yeah. - Here. - Yeah, okay. - Here comes the airplane. - Look, like a baby. It's a miracle. I think We should all take a moment... ...and think about what a miracle it is that we got out. And that we became friends in the process... ...and learned some shit about life and stuff. Should we touch each other's hands while We do it? Okay. I love you guys. I love you dudes so much. I'll remember that for the rest of my life. - Red? - Red? Yo, Red, man. You alive? What's up, pal? - Hey. - Hey. I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at 9. That's okay. We Won't put our dicks in your mouth. - Oh, God. - Hey, there's bubbe. Come on. Let's get out of here. Yeah, maybe we should go to the doctor. Do you think she'll drive me to the hospital? Me too. I should get the ear looked at. My ear should probably get professional attention. - It is bad. - That's a bullet burp. Either I'm getting ready to die or I'm gonna take a massive shit. If somebody could get me to the hospital. Blood from my ear just... You guys smell like shit. You are in serious danger.