Santa Barbara Restaurant Declares Itself To Be Sanctuary Space For Threatened Plastic Straws

SANTA BARBARA, CA—As restaurants across Santa Barbara prepare to deport thousands of plastic straws thanks to a new law that bans them under threat of jail time or a fine, one bistro owner stood up to say “enough.”

Michael Vander is the owner of Vegantacular, a small bistro near the waterfront. And he’s declared his shop to be a “sanctuary space” for straws threatened by authorities looking to deport the oppressed plastic drinking aids.

“This is a safe space,” he told reporters as thousands of frightened straws streamed through his doors, huddling inside the restaurant to seek sanctuary from roving bands of Santa Barbara Police Straw Enforcement Officers. “In America, we welcome all, no matter if you’re one of those weird adult sippy cups that Starbucks is starting to use or a regular ol’ plastic straw.”

“All utensils have value,” he added.

The restaurant owner considered declaring his bistro a safe space when the state of California banned free plastic bags at grocery and retail stores, but finally decided to make his stand when the crackdown on marginalized straws began. “It was simply the last straw.”

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee