Heaven—

The US is bracing for another crazy winter thanks to the pent-up heat energy in the atmosphere, and God is reportedly pissed that climate change deniers are still refusing to recognize the reality of catastrophic global warming.

The Halfway Post caught up with God, and discussed the recent weather phenomena to which He, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to subject the United States.

“How many once-in-500-year-hurricanes do you assholes need to be hit with every summer for you to take a f***ing hint to start ramping down carbon emissions and switch to new, safe nuclear power plant proposals?” God asked rhetorically. “Stop f***ing ruining My beautiful planet! You know how many species your carbon dioxide free-for-all has made go extinct? Oh, I’m sorry! I thought I was God! But I must have been wrong. Apparently you human shits are God, and it’s your decision which of My Creations get to live and die!”

Asked for clarification if the extreme weather events were in fact intended to punish humans for our pollution crimes, God was not ambiguous.

“Earth is one of My favorite planets, and you’re all ruining it. I gave you ungrateful clods so many pleasant things, like puppies, kittens, recreational drugs, orgasms, color vision, and ripe fruit, and this is how you thank Me? I intended for Earth to be green and blue, but you’ve cut down three-fourths of the trees, and polluted the skies and water. The oceans are supposed to be bountiful, but you’ve filled it up with plastic and oil spills! There’s so much trash that you humans have literally created continents of plastic. If I had intended for there to be giant islands of garbage in the middle of the oceans, I would have put them there—I am the Monodeity after all! And don’t even get Me started on the acidification of the planet’s saltwater. But joke’s on you, it’s your planet! My supply of freshwater in Heaven is just fine!”

God then got a little more selective about blame for the environmental crimes of humanity.

“And to think, I even tried to send Al Gore to fix everything up. I hope conservatives are thankful for the unfettered free market when every last natural resource has been exploited and the planet becomes so inhospitable that cockroaches supplant you humans as the dominant species. Actually, f*** it, from now on, every conservative who continues to deny climate change is gonna get a cockroach infestation in their homes! And I’ll make the cockroaches two feet long, and give them razor sharp claws and teeth accompanied by an unquenchable thirst for human blood. Just remember that, you climate skeptic morons! I can force you all off the continents that I allow you to live on, and you can go live on your trash islands. Better learn to like eating plastic real quick. Ha! Think of it like karma for all the sea animals with stomachs filled with plastic you’ve killed.”

God took a sip of His soy chai latte.

“Honestly, I just can’t with you humans anymore. I just caaaaaant.”

Thanks for another colorful interview, God.

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(Picture courtesy of NOAA.)

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