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I just found out that my daughter was accepted to my top-choice preschool, but I don’t know whether she will be able to go. Why? Because the annual tuition is three times what I spent for college, and without financial aid, there’s no way I can afford it. While I would likely qualify on my own, her father’s income may take us out of the running — but right now, I’m solely responsible for her expenses. The aid application process is ill-equipped to deal with nontraditional families like ours.

The Internet is full of stories about the preschool admissions process in big cities (like Chicago, where we live), from first-person accounts of parents who wait anxiously for acceptance letters, to tips from admissions coaches who are ready to charge you a pretty penny just to advise you on the process. But getting in is only a small part of the equation. The bigger issue for most parents is figuring out how to pay for it.

Since I’m a working mother, my child needs a full-day program. Those aren’t easy to find, and wherever she goes, it’s going to be expensive. Even the Chicago Public School full-day preschool is similar to private institutions, with its $13,000 per school year price tag​ and limited openings​. But the public schools don’t offer scholarships or tuition discounts. I don’t qualify for free options like Head Start or for any voucher or reduced-admission programs offered by the City of Chicago or the State of Illinois. I make too much money to qualify for that kind of help, but too little to manage the tuition for any of the kinds of programs we need without making some big sacrifices.

So when it was time to apply for schools, I decided it was worth the $80 application fee to see what would happen with my top-choice private school. I was hopeful that we could get​ enough assistance to bridge the gap between what I could afford to pay and what the school costs. I thought that as a single mother with above-average expenses, I would be almost guaranteed a shot at a significant aid package. I may have miscalculated.

If I were applying with just my income information, I would definitely qualify for consideration. But even though I’m raising my child alone, schools assess need based on the income of both parents, and my child’s father makes twice what I do.

I had friends in high school who had to chase down absentee parents to fill out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) for college and received fewer grants and scholarships because of the assumption that both of their parents would contribute, regardless of their realities. I never thought this was a problem my child would face (and certainly not in nursery school). But when I submitted the application without her father’s information, the financial aid office told me that unless I could prove I was solely responsible for my child’s educational expenses, I would have to provide her father’s ​financial ​information. I can tell them I am solely responsible, but her father is not dead, deployed or otherwise unable to contribute. The school wants to know what he can pay.

My daughter’s father and I are in the middle of complicated litigation over financial matters. Schools try to be understanding, but without a written determination of child care contribution, they have only my word that he is not involved in either this decision or the funding of her education. So far, it seems my word is not enough. While I did receive an acceptance letter, it was not accompanied by a financial aid award notice​.

I am the first to admit that it is ridiculous to spend this much to send a 3-year-old to school where, if the program is developmentally appropriate, she will play most of the day. It is equivalent to the cost of buying a new car every year. But competition is fierce for openings at the best schools. This school has 100 openings for about 500 applicants in “nursery three.” But by “nursery four,” attrition is so low that there are only about 15 slots available for the same number of applicants.

I want to invest in my daughter’s early education, because I believe you must have a good foundation to learn more complex concepts. I’m willing to sacrifice so that in a couple of years, as the achievement gap widens, my child is getting the best education available. I want to make sure that she can have her pick of programs down the line. The reality, though, is that even if I think this school is the best fit for my child, it may be out of our reach. If I’m honest with myself, paying for any full-day preschool without help is going to be tough.

For some families, getting in to preschool is the hard part. For most of us, it’s paying for it.