As I get older, I’ve come to realize the importance of cutting toxic, harmful people out of my life. That’s why I’ve recently ended each and every toxic relationship I’ve had – with the singular exception of dairy.

I’m sorry but I just can’t quit pizza and ice cream and everything else that is completely fucking up my insides. It’s too delicious and I just can’t let it go.

Toxic people will try to control you, disrespect your boundaries, and take without giving. That’s why I ended several friendships that I realized weren’t serving me. Dairy will take over my digestive system, destroy me from the inside, and cause days of bloat and diarrhea. But it tastes amazing and I know I’m just not gonna get the that kind of pleasure without this devil’s bargain.

Signs that someone is toxic to you include: repetitive dishonesty, a need to always be right, and seeking out ways to play the victim in every situation. You’ve got to cut this pattern off where it starts, like I did with one of my toxic family members. Sometimes I feel like I need to do this with diary, since I always order a whole milk latte and get a stomach ache for four hours, but still I forge on, because it’s like… really good.

I’m done keeping friends who are always asking me for my time, energy, and money, but who never offer a shoulder to cry on in return. Unfortunately I’m still not done with milkshakes, even though they cause my bowels to empty with a sense of urgency unheard of to most human beings, no matter who I am around or how far away the bathroom. This is just one relationship that’s worth the digestive abuse.

I remember an argument with an ex-boyfriend, after hours of tears and pleading, he simply wouldn’t take any responsibility for his own actions. That’s when I knew it was time to call it quits. I don’t think I’ll ever find that bottom with dairy because things like baked brie are fucking spectacular in my mouth and coffee tastes weird black.

So I’m finally in a mature place where I can say goodbye to the mind games and power plays that exist between me and the people close to me – except when I’m looking at the linguine Alfredo at a restaurant, or really am eating at any place at any time where something looks good.