You’re not exactly the cleaning type, but you’ve got someone coming over so you should probably tidy up. It’s not that messy; however, as mother taught you, guests should always be able to see the floor they’re expected to stand on. So you’ve clearly got your work cut out for you, Sharon.

With all the effort you’ll be putting into making your place presentable, shouldn’t you get some recognition? I mean, it’s not like your toilet naturally looks that white. In fact, that color goes against everything you’ve ever known about who you truly are. You have to suppress your very identity in order to scrub away those layers upon layers of skid marks that adorned both the inside of the toilet bowl and out.

After the hours upon hours of imminent cleaning, which is wholly your guests’ fault, you’ll want to cause them as much discomfort as possible. And what better way to do this than by showing them how ridiculously far out of your way you went to clean your home just so they could come over for a couple hours for some yerba mate while they lecture about how they feel like they’re really on the right track without Louis in their life.

Once you have finished the normal cleaning procedures like sweeping, dusting your mantle, and vacuuming your refrigerator coils, you can begin the process of passive aggressive neatening. First, make a point not to allow your guest to look under your bed. It doesn’t matter whether they try to look under your bed, or whether you even venture into your bedroom at all. Simply say to them as they arrive “make sure not to look under my bed.” This will create the illusion that you have shoved everything off the floor for their benefit, even though you’ve actually carefully put away all of your belongings in their proper locations. It could also signal to them that you have monsters, which might successfully deter them from returning.

If your guest will be arriving on the day after garbage day, fill up your outdoor trash cans to the brim by collecting cans and picking up any litter that you see around your neighborhood. When your guest arrives, go out to meet them and walk your guest along the route closest to the garbage bins. Be sure to mention how shocked you are that you were able to fill up your trash so quickly given that trash day was only yesterday.

Next, cover your plugin air freshener with saran wrap so that it looks like you have not yet removed it from its packaging. When your guest comments on the distinctively delicious gardenia fragrance which you purposefully chose after doing a little online research on your guest’s favorite scents, giggle a little and express your surprise. Then look down at the air freshener and, blushing, exclaim “I must have forgotten to take it out of its wrapping!”

You’ll want to arrange some fresh cut roses from your garden in a vase and set it within eyeshot of your entryway. Remove the price tag from the brand new $599 Miele Robot Cleaner you just ran out to buy. Then stick this price tag on the vase to hint that you have never used the vase before and that you actually went all the way into your attic to retrieve it. This will also help create the illusion that you have very expensive taste in vases.

To finish it off, add the extra flare of a personalized touch. After ripping up your wall-to-wall carpet to reveal hardwood floors, because you know this is your guest’s preference, lay down a mat by the entrance that welcomes them specifically. For example “welcome, Doug, you good ol’ Gemini, you.” This technique works regardless of who your guest is. Whether it’s your landlord just “dropping by” for an inspection, or a suitor who has come a-callin’, or your mother who’s in town because she hasn’t seen you in so long that she “almost forgot what your house looks like,” the personalized welcome mat should do the trick to trigger their guilt.

Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to winning this social encounter. Whether you’ve been trying to stay true to yourself on your therapist’s advice, or you’re just using your therapist as an excuse not to clean, you need to make sure people realize that the state of your spotless home is not a reflection of who you are. No, sir. In fact, everything you did was solely for your guest. Like hanging that suit which was perfectly tailored to fit their stalky, thin-shouldered frame in the newly renovated guest bathroom.