From an outsider's perspective, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can seem somewhat unstable, mean, spiteful, and childish. Unfortunately, people suffering with the disorder are quite good at masking the symptoms when entering a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic. Keeping a relationship when you've got BPD can be difficult, as your mood swings and fear of abandonment can be extremely hard to understand, especially if your significant other has never struggled with any type of mental illness before. Once more, the symptoms can really unleash themselves once you reach a point where you are comfortable with your S.O. and can be perceived as borderline abusive (I know I was).

I was married at the ripe age of 21 to someone I had known for a year. Our relationship had a rocky start to say the least. I was happy that I was keeping a level head for about seven months, but sadly, the paranoia and fear of abandonment reared its ugly head, and it added a lot of tension to our relationship. We always seemed to work through things, and then we were married. My S.O. is English, and so our first year and a half of marriage was via Skype and going back and forth between the USA and UK. As it happens, more tension arose because I felt as though he was always going to be cheating on me. We were on Skype as often as possible, and when we weren't on Skype, we were either at work or school. The first time I really had an episode was due to my spouse having a female friend that he had met on DOTA and I was pretty convinced he was going to leave me for this girl (who, mind you, had been in a relationship for nine years and lived all the way in Sweden), so I pretty much forced him to stop talking to her. I was obsessed with the fact that he would talk to her behind my back. I remember getting so mad at him because he couldn't see my "point" to the point I was pulling my hair out and screaming. At this time in my life, I was completely unaware that I was totally delusional.

Once my husband was in the USA, things were better. I felt as though I had control and that he wouldn't cheat on me. A couple of months later, he asked me if he could start talking to his Swedish friend again. I was so angry; he obviously was going to leave me for her. I reacted in a way that was childish, mean, and controlling. I also became quite the recluse, never wanting to go anywhere, and I wanted my husband to stay right home with me. On Thanksgiving, we were going to go down to Ft. Worth with our roommates at the time to visit my roommate's grandmother. I started having a panic attack and became very angry and upset. I told my husband that he could go with them and I would stay home with the dogs. Then, I was angry he was going to go and not stay with me. I told him I thought I would injure myself, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to spite him and make him feel bad for leaving me alone. This was when the pair of us knew that I needed help. I called my doctor the following morning and set up an appointment to get on depression and anxiety meds.

Fast forward a month and I've been on Prozac and Clonazepam for a few weeks now and life is great. My husband is happy because he doesn't feel like he is on eggshells, and I am happy because I feel like I have control over my emotions. I've also got a self-esteem, something I have never really had before due to being overweight (I've been suffering with eating disorders off and on since I was 15), and I started to really feel good about myself. I also noticed that there are guys who are noticing me (they were doing that before, but low self-esteem didn't allow me to believe that). Being borderline, I crave acceptance, and I fear abandonment, so much that I will end things first to avoid being the one who gets their heart broken.

Two months after being on medications, a boy named Tom waltzed into my life. Tom and I had met about four months prior, but due to my marriage, we never really spoke after the one occasion when we met. Tom had been liking my photos on Instagram and Facebook, so I took that as a sign of interest. I began messaging Tom on Facebook, then on WhatsApp and Snapchat. Tom and I spoke day and night, and I secluded myself from my husband who was no fool and knew that there was probably something more there than just my excuse of "needing alone time." Two weeks after Tom and I had started messaging one another on Facebook, I made the completely impulsive decision that I should leave my husband because this man who I barely knew seemed like a better option to me.

Now, don't get me wrong, our marriage had its faults. My husband was waiting on his green card and was unable to work, and I felt like I was carrying all the weight of finances as well as housework. I also believed he was having an affair with his Swedish friend (because he wouldn't show me their messages). I was completely vulnerable at the time, so I won't throw all the blame on myself, my husband, or on Tom. I should have communicated with my husband better, he should have been more understanding, and Tom should have stopped talking to me the first time that my husband asked him to please stop talking to me because we were having marital problems. I convinced myself in my head that my problems would all be solved by leaving my husband. I kicked him out of the house, not considering that he had no where else to go, and two months later, we were in court to have our divorce finalized.

Naturally, Tom broke things off with me almost as soon as the divorce was finalized without giving me a real reason. It was, in that exact moment, I could see my whole life crashing down in front of me. My husband had warned me that things weren't going to turn out how I had planned, but I thought I knew better. It took me all but two weeks to call him up and tell him I was sorry for everything I'd done and that I had made a huge mistake. I am really lucky in the fact that he forgave me and was also able to acknowledge that I had somewhat of a manic episode/mental breakdown.

It has been four months since we worked on things. In our earlier days of our relationship, we didn't talk things out, and my husband didn't understand depression or anxiety (certainly not Borderline Personality Disorder), but once we decided to give it another go, he's been much more understanding. The first step was that he took the time to read The Everything Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Constance M Dolecki. I also started seeing a counselor on a weekly basis, we started Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and I was able to learn to control my emotional responses to things. We still have to work every day to get through hardships, but we have learned to trust each other, and when I am in a delusional state, he is understanding and patient, but also not afraid to tell me to snap out of it and bring me back down to reality.

The bottom line I want you to take away from my experience (although I really only gave the abridged version) is that it is possible to work through the hardships of having a relationship and also having BPD (or having a spouse with BPD). The key to this is communication and taking the time to understand the disorder. It is never going to be a walk in the park, but trust me when I say it's better to fight for what you love.