“It was just a pat on the bum”. “It was banter”. “It was 10 years ago, it can’t have affected her that much”.

These comments are the reasons women don’t report sexual harassment. I write this as a woman, but I know men are victims too.

My partner asked me this week if I’ve ever been a victim. I thought about it for a few minutes and I said, no, probably not. And then I read the UN’s definition of sexual harassment.

It says sexual harassment includes rape and sexual assault, unwanted touching and unwanted contact. It also includes referring to an adult as a girl, hunk, doll, babe, or honey; whistling at someone; cat calls.

I’ve also spoken to friends as they shared stories of flashers and groping. Of sleazy comments and wolf whistles. As they did, I realised. I have been a victim. And I can’t think of a woman who isn’t.

There is a difference between a pat and a grope. There’s a difference between banter and comments that leave a mark on you. Women know that difference, because women have invariably been subject to it.

It’s only when you start thinking about it, you remember the man who stood too close and touched you, the person on the bus who grabbed your knee. The comments that you just couldn’t shake. But women cope with that because it’s what women do.

We put a safety pin in our wrap dress to raise the neckline. We check for a knicker line. We sit down in a changing room to see if our dress rides up when we sit down.

In the name of self protection, we change who and how we are. We do this because it’s almost inherent in our process of growing up that we need to take these steps.

We know the difference between a pat and a grope. We subconsciously learn ways of deflecting attention or coping. But we shouldn’t have to.

Yet women do not speak up, sometimes for years, because making that complaint changes the life of the person that makes it. It changes the life of the person accused.

Victims do not speak up lightly and many victims do not speak up because they fear what will happen. We have to be sure that women know who they can talk to and that they feel they can.

The death of Carl Sargeant is an emotional one and there are so many questions to be answered on so many topics .

At the heart of it all, a man has died and a family is left without a husband, father and friend . That is utterly, indisputably tragic

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(Image: Ian Cooper)

I agree with other commentators that those allegations against him still need to be investigated because women have to see that they are being taken seriously.

What cannot be allowed to happen is women being put off reporting incidents.

Those who knew Carl Sargeant say they do not believe he would want victims to be silenced. None of us do. Because if all the taskforces and committees and enquiries are going to make any progress they have to know the full picture of what is being dealt with.

They need to know just how big the problem really is. If we don’t look back, we won’t learn, and we won’t protect the next generation.

When you make a complaint you worry what it will mean for you in the future. Imagine being a banker who is about to close a big deal, a teacher about to have an Estyn inspection, a political aide in election season.

If you make that complaint at a key time for your organisation, will you cost them that deal, that excellent rating, the election?

We in our newspapers and websites have reported allegations of women from the National Assembly. Now imagine any one of those women making a complaint works for one of its political parties.

Many of those who work for a party, whichever it is, passionately believe in their policies.

They are campaigners and activists. They knock on doors, they attend conference. They live and breathe their party. They want it to be in Government to get their policies in place.

What does it say about a party if allegations are made against one of their members and they are subsequently found guilty? If it’s election season, would a public outing of sexual harassment change a voter’s opinion of that party?

If you were that woman would you feel confident coming forward, making that allegation, potentially changing an election result, and then returning to work the next week to sit in an office of people devastated not to have made gains?

Probably not.

But these are exactly the women we need to be summon up the courage to break this cycle. They are members of groups who have influence. They represent parties who sit in our law-making Assembly or Government.

They are organisations where the law should be upheld, because they are the organisations making the law.

Let’s make no mistake, sexual harassment is about power. It is about using your power, size, influence or gender towards another person.

It’s about people who have, or think they have, the power to inflict something unwanted on someone else.

Every one of these incidents - wherever they happen - make a difference to women.

It means a woman changes what she wears. The language she uses. It means she doesn’t go along to after work drinks and misses out on networking. She misses out on opportunity.

If the man who does it is her boss, is she going to apply for a promotion to a role which requires spending time with him?

All these things - all the pats, comments and unwanted contact - are stopping women reaching their potential.

Then, there’s the figures which show the frightening proportion of women who make a complaint about sexual harassment that end up leaving their jobs.

Even if they are the victim they can be forced to leave.

Imagine a situation where a man lost his job, or was even punished, because of something he did to you . He probably had friends in the office. If they knew, you’d be on your own. You’d feel isolated. You’d feel terrified to go to work.

That’s why while so many women can't bear to talk about it, we have to keep talking about this. But we have to ensure that the women doing so are protected, whether it be their identities or their rights or their futures.

Women, and men, have to share their stories to stop this happening.