

EARTH –

In the wake of a federal Texas judge striking down the entire Affordable Care Act on Friday on the grounds that its mandate requiring people to buy health insurance is unconstitutional, Irish people named O’Connor across the globe have decided to name their child anything but Reed, so help them God.

“Yeah, I’d rather name my kid ‘Putz Boy’ than Reed,” said Seamus O’Connor of Brookline, Massachusetts, who was able to afford health care for the first time in 17 years under the ACA despite a preexisting health condition. “Or maybe ‘Dork Face’. I would prefer that, honestly.”

Judge O’Connor, a George W. Bush appointee, said in his opinion that since “the individual mandate is unconstitutional” all of the remaining provisions of the Affordable Care Act are invalid, a ruling that Mr. O’Connor did not care for. “I pretty much have no options now to be treated by a doctor, unless maybe this judge has $20,000 he can give me for a lung transplant.”

The Best For Your Kids

Like many of us, Irish parents want to give their child a name that will help them grow up to be smart, successful people. “Like a famous ballplayer, or actor, or whoever. Somebody you can look up to,” Mr. O’Connor said.

“So, you know, I would rather name my kid Dildo at this point than Reed, if you understand what I’m saying.”

A spokesperson for the judge declined to comment on the ruling, except to say that when it comes to working in a respectable legal office where only honorable people are welcome, the Irish need not apply.

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