As a consequence, Bowser and Mario have been going at it for 25 years, longer than most real wars last. Figuring it was probably time somebody honored their eternal antagonism by checking the scoreboard, we dug in for the long, pedantic process of picking a winner in a fictional conflict. What we got instead was the story of the most depressingly one-sided rivalry in the history of not just video games, but possibly the world.

The Mario cast changes less than the law of gravity. They're the most popular video game characters of all time and remain the reason 99 percent of all defeated video game enemies have footprints instead of haircuts. In Mario, Nintendo has the sort of brand identity Steve Jobs could only dream of, because you sure as hell wouldn't buy iGolf.

5 Job Satisfaction

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The plot of Super Mario Bros. is essentially the tale of one long real estate struggle, as Bowser attempts to take over the Mushroom Kingdom and Mario shows up way too late to prevent him from doing so. Despite forming the kingdom's entire defense force, Mario rarely hears about an invasion until after Bowser has had enough time to build a series of castles. Archaeologists have responded to invasions faster. At a certain point, Mario has to feel less like a hero than a Rascal Scooter -- prolonging the lives of thousands of terminally mushy creatures who would have been no match for evolution if left to their own devices.



"At least Bowser makes the trains run on time."

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While Mario is always in crisis mode, Bowser's motives seem to oscillate between good old-fashioned land lust and not having anything better to do on a Sunday. One of the few times Mario arrives early enough to see Bowser make off with the Princess (Super Mario Galaxy 2) was when it was such an incredibly minor part of the plan, Bowser was clearly doing it just to piss Mario off. And when you can mount a planetary assault just to shout "Screw You!," you're winning so hard the scoreboard turns into a diamond.