My Apologies

Tragedy of this magnitude not only effects the parties involved, friends, relatives, loved ones- it also has a terrible effect on those who surround them. There is much collateral damage. For every friend that comes out of the woodwork to hold hands with me and show their support, there are others who shy away and feel that I should get over it and move on. A few of my relationships with friends have strengthened throughout this and a few have been and are being ruined.

As Thedrick Andres returns (without his firearm and on desk duty) to work and his life, while many of us are stuck in a limbo, trying to work though the pain, still in shock or whatever other emotions they are feeling at this time.

Many cannot handle being around my daughter, who, to this day, still has not uttered a word. And so I have been told, some cannot be around me and that it is unfair for me to feel this way around them. I have been asked by some not to talk about death or the police department or any of this to them any longer, so I stay silent as I have nothing else to say. Colette Flanagan of Mothers Against Police Brutality told me that this would happen, but I was naive and thought my support system stronger and the people around me able to weather this storm with me. And slowly but surely, one by one, the story of Juan’s death begins to bore them and my obsession with justice just makes them roll their eyes.

My apologies if I am not the cheerful engaging Mary Jane Sunshine you knew three weeks ago. I promise you she is still in there but she is just buried beneath a monumental amount of feelings of shock, disbelief, shame, guilt, hopelessness, anger and grief. I cannot even begin to resemble normal and I think that thought in itself is very normal.

The Arlington Police Department has let the killer go back to work and to a desk where he will have no weapon. None of this brings me any satisfaction at all. I push for his suspension while the criminal investigation continues. I realize that the department has to act with due process to avoid getting sued. But, what is the due process for Juan? What happens now?

I will no turn my attention to the Dallas Sheriff’s department. I have a lot of questions to ask them and I am going to demand answers.