Time to Re-Joyce

Barnaby Joyce is as open as a bathrobe to being drafted by Nationals MPs for a return to the deputy prime-ministership.

But a Nationals minister speaking from a Jacuzzi said: “There are no plans for a leadership change at this time.”

He gulped a martini and checked his watch. “But at this time, it’s on. Barnaby is determined to ignore his own strict request for privacy. He’s open for business like the photocopier at our last Xmas party.”

The National’s leader, Michael McCormack (who shall remain nameless), denied a leadership spill is underway. This immediately exacerbated the situation.

Labor Party leader Bill Shorten bought Powerball tickets.

Black and White Minister Show

Leader of the One Nation Front, Pauline Hanson, asked that the Senate to acknowledge ‘It’s Okay to be White’. (She was not wearing her customary burqa.)

The government bravely voted in favour of being white, then bravely voted against it.

The reversals were led by Finance Minister Matthias ‘The African Gangs Are’ Cormann. Consequently, his credibility sank to Jar-Jar Binks levels.

“The issue is black and white, so we covered both bases,” said a government spokesman looking decidedly grey. “We agreed to it up to the point where we were overcome with self-disgust. And, ahem … internal polling.”

A member of the Australian Conservative Silent & Invisible Putsch said: “The only people who are truly white are corpses in fridges. We demand the message reflect our constituency: ‘It’s OK to be Convict Mongrel-Pinkish with Tatts, Moles & Liver Spots’.”

A white supremacist spoke, but his words were garbled due to his lockjaw, nasal twang and lack of teeth.

Labor Party leader Bill Shorten got a spray tan.

Monarchy Anarchy!

The royal tour of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle has caused a crisis for Australian republicans.

“We are torn,” said a Greens-voting inner-city hipster, short-film, gluten/gender-free dramaturg.

“It’s a profound upheaval of our constitutional arrangements in the name of independence – versus a baby bump. Our deep suspicion of the archaic and undemocratic British imperial hierarchy – versus that woman from Suits. It will take a lot more talking and talking and talking.’

Labor Party leader Bill Shorten waved a Union Jack.

In other news

PM PUTS ISRAEL EMBASSY IN TRUMP TOWER

BANKSY ART NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT’S SHREDDED ON

GUTHRIE SUES ABC FOR MAKING PLAYSCHOOL A REALITY SHOW

CANADA FLAG CHANGED TO RED DOPE LEAF

WHO WOULD JESUS SEND TO NAURU?