“Guys, hurry up and finish eating! We’ve gotta get to work!” Louise groaned.

“Louise, what’s got you in such a hurry this morning? You haven’t even touched your breakfast.” Linda said.

“We’re gonna make Valentines cards and sell them down at the pier,” Tina explained, smiling. “Making some Cupid cash off of crushing cuties.”

“And I’m gonna play my love song for the ages! I call it ‘A Fever You Can’t Shake Off with Expensive Chocolates.’” Gene said.

“Maybe you should work on the name a bit Gene,” Bob said, reading the paper.

“It’s pure poetry, Dad!” Gene argued.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit... too long?” His father asked, looking away from the paper.

“No, you just don’t get modern art, old man!” His son retorted.

“Thanks, Gene.” His father said with a frown, returning to his newspaper.

“Aw, how sweet! My love-lovin’ little angels!” Linda gushed.

“Listen we’d love to stay and chat, but we’ve gotta get to work,” Louise said with a dry laugh, “c’mon guys, we better get to gluing.”

The three sibling rose from the table and made their way to Louise’s room.

Tina smiled to herself. ‘I’m gonna make this Valentine’s day one Jimmy Jr. will never forget.’

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh, you guys, it’s been two hours and we only have 20 cards! Gene, if you had stopped with your dumb song we probably could’ve had double that right now.” Louise groaned.

“Listen, sister! You can’t rush perfection. You’ll thank me later. This song will set the mood for lovestruck ladies and dudes.” Gene said, playing back his dog bark and fart-filled song, grinning proudly.

“And Tina, if you hadn’t spent so much time on your overly-sequinned card for Jimmy Jr. we’d probably have, I don’t know, maybe five more cards with how slow you go.”

To a ignored her sister’s scolding. “Do you think I put too many sequins on his card? I think it’s perfect but I need a second opinion.” Tina asked.

“Ugh! Never mind, let’s just take these down to the pier and get to money making!” Her sister snapped.

“Alright, we’re heading out. Don’t wait up.” Louise shouted to her parents.

“Alright kids, don’t be home too late!” Linda replied.

“We’ll be home when we’re sold out.” Louise retorted.

“Alright but we better have a snack break,” Gene said as they descended the stairs, walking out the door. “I expect a charcuterie board and sparkling grape juice!”

~~~~~~~~~~

“Valentines cards, only five dollars!” Louise shouted to passers by. “Impress your loved ones with a handmade card without any effort on your part!”

A man stopped to examine their work. His face was obscured by sunglasses and a fedora.

“Hello sir,” Louise said with a smile, “would you be interested in purchasing a Valentines card?”

“I dunno,” he mused, “they look kinda... bad.”

“Would a romantic song persuade you?” Gene said, hitting the button in his keyboard.

The man ignored him, and noticed a slightly bigger card that Tina was holding. “What about that one?” He asked the older sister.

“Oh this one?” Tina replied. “It’s for Jimmy Jr., the lispy man of my dreams. You should see his butt. It’s amazing.”

“So, I can’t buy it?” He asked.

“Of course you can, but it’s a deluxe model,” Louise explained. “It’ll cost you extra. Say, eight dollars?”

“Hm,” the man mused, “I dunno, that’s pretty expensive. For a card made of construction paper.”

“Look buddy, eight dollars, take it or leave it.” Louise said, hands on her hips.

“Well, in that case, I’ll just take it!” He ripped the card from Tina’s hands and made his getaway. She yelped in surprise.

“We’ve been robbed!” Gene said, hands to his head.

“Thief!” Louise cried. “Catch that son of a bitch!”

The three began to run after the man, but he was faster than them.

“Damn these short legs!” Tina cried. “We’re losing him!”

The disguised stranger turned the corner and the Belcher siblings followed.

The local man with only a speedo and skates on nearly ran into him, and he jumped out of the way, causing him to trip and fall.

“Woah dude! Watch where you’re going!” He yelled, skating away.

“Yes! Got you!” Louise cried, jumping on top of the man.

Tina ran up and snatched the card out of his hands.

“Tie him up! Torture him!” She cried.

“Please, no!” The man said. “Have mercy.”

“Show us who you really are!” Louise said, ripping his hat and glasses from his face. Her look of anger turned to one of surprise.

“Wait aren’t you...” she trailed off.

“Trevor? Jimmy Pesto’s bartender?” Tina asked.

“Alright yes, yes! It’s me.” He cried in defeat. “I just needed a Valentine’s day card and I didn’t know what to pick at the store.”

“Corporations have no creativity these days!” Gene said, agreeing.

“Who would you be buying a card for?” Louise scoffed. “Jimmy Pesto? You’re always begging for high fives from that spaghetti selling scumbag.”

Trevor’s look turned to one of surprise. “What?!” He said, laughing nervously. “No way! It’s for my... uh... girlfriend! Yeah, haha, she’s a... she’s a super model!”

“I know a liar when I see one,” Louise said, “you ARE getting this for Jimmy Pesto!”

“Alright, fine, fine. I am!” He said in defeat. “Please don’t tell anyone, especially Jimmy.”

“Wait,” Tina said, “why do you want it to be secret? Is he... more than a man crush?”

“Uh...” he said, sighing. “Yeah, I guess you could call it that.”

“Wow, Louise said, “I mean, I knew you liked him, never would’ve guess you like LIKED him.”

“You can do better than him, sister,” Gene said.

“Listen, can you guys... maybe help me make this Valentines Day one for the books?” He asked.

“Sorry buddy, you’re on your own. We don’t do charity work.” Louise said. “C’mon guys, let’s get back to business.”

“The more we work, the more cheese and salami I can eat!” Gene said, determined.

“You guys, wait!” Tina said. “Valentine’s Day is about bringing people together for love. If we bring Trevor and Jimmy Pesto together, we’ll be doing a good deed. And doing a good deed for someone connected to Jimmy Jr. means I’ll have a better chance of showing him how loving and compassionate I am and we’ll fall in love and touch each other’s butts forever.” She said, smiling and closing her eyes to fantasize.

“Uh... I don’t know if that’s how it works...” Trevor trailed off.

“Forget it Tina,” Louise replied, “I’m not gonna waste my time on this guy while I could be making money.”

“Wait!” Trevor said, standing up. “I’ll pay you.”

Louise stopped in her tracks, turning to face the bartender. “How much we talkin’ here?”

“Uh... forty bucks.”

“Make it sixty.”

“Fifty.”

“Deal.” Louise said. “Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do...”

~~~~~~~~

The bell to the restaurant door rang. Linda looked up to see her kids walk in, hands full of as many cards as they left with.

“Hey kids! No luck at the pier?” She asked.

“Nah, our work is ahead of its time,” Gene replied.

“Listen kids... we’re uh...” Bob looked up to see two customers and Teddy in the restaurant.” “Maybe going to get slammed today, so we need you to help out.”

“Why would you get slammed Bob? You’re never slammed on Saturdays. Or at all.” Teddy chimed in.

“Well... it’s Valentine’s Day, and what’s better than a romantic meal of... burgers and fries?” Bob replied half heartedly.

“Anything else, really.” Teddy said. “A nice steak, some Greek food, shawarma,” he trailed off.

“Ooh, shawarma! Yummy!” Linda gushed.

“Linda please.” Bob said.

“What, it’s romantic!” She said.

“Not really, but kids, you have to stay and help.” Their father said.

“We’d love to dad, but me and my business partners have to have a meeting about how to improve our business strategy for next year.” Louise replied. “Gotta go, bye!” They made their way to the basement.

“Hm.” Their father grumbled.

“Alright,” Tina said, “most of this poster is done, I’m just trying to decide a font for Trevor and Jimmy Pesto’s names. Bubble letters or cursive?”

“Do braille, shake it up a bit!” Gene said enthusiastically.

“Ugh, who cares let’s just get this over with.” Louise groaned.

“Hm, I think I’ll do bubble letters.” She said. Gene made a noise of disapproval.

“And... done. Perfect.” Tina said triumphantly.

“Good work team.” Louise said. “Trevor should meet us in the alley in just a few minutes.”

“Remember the plan?” She asked.

“Trevor will make a reservation for him and Jimmy Pesto at the fanciest restaurant in town. He’ll pretend to be a secret female admirer and when Jimmy gets to the table, he’ll show up, a bouquet in hand. We’ll come out with the poster of their pictures together and Trevor will recite his love poem. Then, they’ll kiss and get married and ride off into the sunset on their beautiful horses that can talk.” Tina recited.

“A love story for the ages!” Gene said.

“Kids? What are you guys doing down here.” Linda asked.

All three Belcher kids yelped in surprise and hurried to hide their work.

“Uh... nothing?” Tina said unconvincingly.

Linda walked over and put her hands on her hips.

“I don’t like you hiding stuff from me. Spill it.”

“Mm-mmh!” Gene And Louise said, shocking their heads.

Linda turned to her eldest child.

“Tina,” She said, “tell mommy the truth.”

Tina began to groan anxiously.

“Tina, don’t do it.” Louise said through gritted teeth.

“Tina, tell mommy. I won’t be mad.” Linda said soothingly.

“Tina don’t!” Louise said.

Tina shouted in defeat.

“Fine!” Tina began her diatribe. “When we were down at the pier someone stole my card I made for Jimmy Jr. and we chased him down and took off his disguise and it was Trevor Jimmy Pesto’s bartender and he needed a card for Jimmy Pesto cause he has a crush on him and we agreed to help him in the name of love!”

Tina sighed in relief.

“What the hell, Tina?!” Louise cried angrily.

“Traitor!” Gene shrieked.

Linda gasped.

“Trevor the bartender has a crush on Jimmy Pesto? I can’t believe it.” She said.

“Well believe it, and don’t try to stop us, you can’t stop love.” Tina said.

“I’m doing it for the money.” Louise said.

“And I’m doing it for the free bread at the table at the restaurant.” Gene chimed in.

“We, how sweet! My little cutie Cupids. Lemme help! I wanna help!” Linda said, excited.

“Ugh, fine.” Louise groaned. “Trevor is meeting us in the alley in five minutes, so let’s go ahead and get out there. And mom, you CANNOT tell dad. He hates Jimmy and he’ll ruin it, which means no money.”

“Alright! Yay for love!” Linda said.

“Uh... so... why is your mom here?” Trevor said, eyebrow raised.

“We decided you needed a woman’s touch.” Gene said.

“I guess an extra hand couldn’t hurt. Linda, do you wanna pick out the song they play at the restaurant? And an outfit for me?” He asked.

“Yes, yes! Oh, I’m so excited.” She said with a grin.

“But mom, how are we gonna sneak out tonight without dad being suspicious?” Tina asked.

“Look, I’ll make a reservation at the restaurant for your father and I and sneak away from the table to help if you need it. That way me and him can have a Valentine’s date and I can help two people fall in love!” She said.

“Good idea,” Gene said, “but the table bread is mine.”

“Oh, foo.” Linda scoffed.

“Alright, so I made the reservation and Jimmy got the letter and is going tonight. He showed me the outfit he’s gonna wear. A nice tux.” Trevor said dreamily. “I can see it now, his thick, dark hair blown back, a gold chain around his neck, his slightly unbuttoned shirt exposing his thick chest hair...”

“Okay calm down, kids are here.” Linda said.

“Right, sorry.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“Bobby, hurry up! We’re gonna be late for dinner.” Linda said.

“Lin, are you sure you wanna go out? I mean... this is the most expensive restaurant in town. We could just stay here and I can make heart shaped burgers.”

“Bob!” She whined, “we need to get out more, besides, you know you love a chance to wear your white suit.”

“You’re right,” he admitted, giving a small smile, “I do love this suit.”

“Okay, bye mom, bye dad,” Louise said as she and her sibling began to leave the apartment.

“Where are you guys going?” Bob asked.

“Back down to the pier. Sell more cards, make more cash.” She said.

“Money makes the world go round, father.” Gene said.

“Alright, just be home by nine.” Their father said.

“Okay bye,” said Tina.

“See you kids later,” Linda said, winking.

“Why are you... oh right.” The eldest belcher kid said.

~~~~~~~~

“Wow, this place is packed.” Louise said.

“Yeah.” Trevor agreed. “Hey, do I look okay?” He asked.

“Like a million bartender bucks.” Tina assured him.

“Work it girl!” Gene enthused.

Trevor gasped.

“Oh God, there he is!” They all looked to see Jimmy Pesto sit down at the table, slicking his hair back. “He looks so good.” Trevor gushed. “I bet he smells like aftershave and garlic bread.”

Linda snuck over.

“Alright,” she whispered “I got the music.”

“What did you pick?” Trevor asked.

“I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner.” Linda said, grinning.

“Perfect!” Trevor said. “Okay, I’m gonna go splash on some cologne I stole from Jimmy’s bathroom. Linda, you put on the music on my signal, and you kids step out.”

“Got it.” Louise said.

~~~~~~~

“Wow, that was a long trip to the bathroom.” Bob said.

“Yeah, I uh... had diarrhea!” Linda laughed. “It was awful.”

“Uh, Lin, the waiter is... right here.” Bob said.

“Wow. You guys are gross.” The waiter said.

“Not me, just uh... her.”

“Mhm. Sure.”

“Can I get a Long Island iced tea! Thank you!” Linda sang.

“Okay,” their waiter sighed. “And what can I get for you sir?”

“Uh, just water, please.”

“Come on Bob! It’s Valentine’s Day! Let’s drink to our love!” Linda said.

“Fine. I’ll have a martini, please.”

The waiter wrote down their drinks and walked away.

Bob surveyed the restaurant.

“Is that... Jimmy Pesto? What is he doing here?” Bob said.

“What, he has a date.” Linda said.

“Wait... how do you know he has a date?”

Linda’s eyes grew wide.

“Uh, I mean... I assume he does! Why else would he be here on Valentine’s Day?” She laughed nervously.

“How convenient is it that we are at the same restaurant as Jimmy and he apparently has a date you know about. Did you help set him up with someone?”

Linda sighed in defeat.

“Fine! I did.”

“Lin! How could you?!” Bob gasped. “He’s our enemy!”

“Bobby I couldn’t help it. You know I can’t say no to bein’ a matchmaker.”

“Here are your drinks,” their waiter said. “I’ll come back... whenever I want. Because you guys are gross.” He walked off.

“Well, Linda, drink up, let’s toast to your treason!” Bob snapped.

Linda saw Trevor give her the signal.

“Bobby, I’ll be right back, I’m gonna.. go have more diarrhea!” Linda said, walking off.

“Fine! You deserve it! Traitor!” He slurred. “Waiter! Another martini! Make it extra strong.” His waiter groaned.

He looked across the restaurant at Jimmy Pesto, who was impatiently thrumming his fingers against the table and looking at his watch.

“Stupid Jimmy Pesto.” He grumbled.

“Alright, I need you to play this CD.” Linda told the manager.

“What song is it?” He asked.

“I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner.” She said

“Oh,” he exclaimed, “I love that song!”

“Everyone does, now hurry up and play it.”

The music came on. Bob was 3 martinis in. He groaned.

~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh, I hate this song.”

“Sir, can I get you anything?” The waiter asked.

“Nah, forget it, she no showed.” He grumbled. “I guess I’ll spend another night alone. With my porn.”

“Gross.” His waiter said.

Jimmy got up and turned his back, walking away from a terrible one man date.

“Jimmy, wait!” He turned around to see who called his name. His eyes opened in surprise.

“Trev? What are you doin’ here? And why do you have a bunch of roses? And why are the Belcher kids holding up a poster of pictures of us? And why is my name in bubble letters? They’re tacky.”

“Oh.” Tina deadpanned.

“Forget the stupid bubble letters Jimmy!” Trevor cried.

“Ever since the day I met you I’ve had... feelings for you. And they’ve grown stronger and stronger everyday.” His voice began to tremble. “Every time we high five my heart beats fast and my hands get sweaty.”

“Oh. I thought that was some weird condition you had.” Jimmy said.

“And the reason I laugh at your jokes so much is because I think you’re the funniest man in the world. Every day I see you is a good day.”

“I... I don’t know what to say Trev.”

“Say your true feelings, you fool!” Gene cried.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Trevor said, hanging his head, “I just wanted to say that I love you.” He stretched out his hand for Jimmy to take his bouquet. “If you don’t want these, it’s fine. And you can fire me if you want.”

Before Jimmy could say anything, Linda shouted from across the restaurant.

“Damnit Jimmy take the flowers!”

“Linda?” Jimmy said, surprised.

“Traitor!” Bob slurred, pointing at Linda.

“Bob?”

“Shut up Jimmy!”

“Bob, hush!” Linda yelled.

The whole restaurant was staring.

“Cut the music!” Linda yelled. The restaurant went silent.

“What the hell is goin on here?!” Jimmy yelled.

“Jimmy, can’t you see? Trevor has fallen for you. Hard. Really hard. Like that one time Bob fell down the stairs when he was sleepwalking.”

“Linda please.” Bob said, hiding his face.

“Jimmy, you act like you’re this big tough macho man but I know deep down inside you’re alone. You’ve been so alone for so long that the only affection you know is from hookers in sex dungeons.” Linda said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Jimmy laughed nervously.

“The point I’m trying to make is... Trevor loves you. And I know your feelings for him aren’t platonic either. Any man who makes that many cheesy jokes to his bartender is not just joking around with a friend.” She said, shaking her finger and the Italian restauranteur. “So... whadda ya say Jimmy? Can you give this sweet lil bar tending baby a chance at love?”

Trevor looked up at Jimmy who blushed and scratched his head.

“Uh... yknow Trev, you’ve always been... a handsome guy to me... and I guess the reason you’re my only bartender is cause I love havin you around.” He grabbed Trevor’s hand.

“Put the music back on! Dance you two lovebirds, dance!” Linda cried.

The restaurant lights were dimmed and the music came back on.

“Let’s dance, Trev.”

Trevor smiles, and they clumsily slow danced to the 80s love anthem.

“Aw, a new gay couple! They should meet little king trash mouth and his husband.” Linda gushed.

“Shut up Linda!” Bob shouted, incredibly drunk. “You helped the enemy! I hope you’re proud of yourself!”

“NO, YOU SHUT UP BOB!” She screamed. Her husband fell out of his chair in shock.

“Just because you and Jimmy Pesto love to get on each others nerves doesn’t mean that he isn’t deserving of happiness and love.” She began, “Valentine’s Day is a day of love. A day of love for everyone. Even Jimmy Pesto. How would you feel if we couldn’t be together because someone’s husband didn’t like you?”

“Oh my god... you’re right. I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk Linda. I’ve ruined Valentine’s Day.”

She smiled.

“There’s still time to make it better. Wanna dance?” Linda asked.

“I’ll try, but I don’t know if I can stand up very long.” Bob said as his wife helped him up.

Tina sighed, letting go of the poster.

“What’s wrong T?” Louise asked.

“I worked really hard on this card for Jimmy Jr. and Valentine’s Day is nearly over. I can’t give it to him tomorrow. That’s too late for love.” She groaned in defeat.

Louise consoled her sister, a rare occurrence.

“There’s still time. I mean, he lives just across the street. If we leave now you could probably catch him before he dances himself to bed. Let’s go get mom and dad.”

“Cmon kids, we gotta go, your dad just threw up everywhere! Hurry!”

They all ran out the door, Gene grabbed a basket of bread.

“I said I would get table bread and I meant it dammit!”

They all ran out the door to the car and sped off, Bob puking out of the window.

“Dad, can you please stop puking, it’s making my bread taste less good.” Gene said. Bob groaned in response.

~~~~~~~

“Alright kids, hurry up and get to bed, I’m gonna put your dad in the shower and make sure he doesn’t drown.” Linda said.

Tina sighed, following everyone inside.

“Tina!” She stopped in her tracks. She knew that lisp anywhere.

“Jimmy Jr.?” She said.

He walked across the street to meet her.

“I made this for you.” He said, giving her a Valentine’s card.

Flipping it open, she saw a poorly drawn picture of two people holding hands inside of a heart.

“Is that... supposed to be us?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he said, blushing, “I had to make your hair blue because Andy and Ollie ate all the black crayons.”

She smiled. And handed him her card.

“Well, now we’re even. I guess this is goodnight.” She said.

“Not yet.” He looked her dead in the eye and placed a kiss on her lips. It was only a few seconds but it felt like forever.

He pulled away as he heard his father’s car pull up.

“Well, I better g-“ he paused. ”Uh, why are my dad and Trevor making out?”

“No idea see you at school on Monday bye!” She said, running in and closing the door.

Andy and Ollie opened the window.

“Alright! Now we have two dads!” Andy cried.

“Two dads! Two dads!” Ollie chanted.

Jimmy groaned.

“Go back to bed you guys!”

“Aw, look at em. So sweet.” Linda said.

Bob had sobered up since puking. Still soaking wet from the shower.

“Lin please stop looking at our neighbours making out.” He groaned.

“But they’re both such good kissers! I can’t take my eyes off em.”

“Lin, please.”

- [ ]