Dear Lindsey,

I’m having trouble processing a situation that happened very quickly. About a month ago someone that I went to high school about 12 years ago reached out to me via social media that she wanted to hang out. It initially caught me off guard because although we were friends on multiple social media platforms we never interacted with each other. So me being the person I am, I said sure, since she reached out. Although we didn’t do brunch we decided on doing lunch. I thought it was cool but she continued to text me before we had a chance to meet up and I responded out of politeness.

Then eventually the conversation became more flirty, sexual innuendos followed and texts randomly sent throughout the night which made me hesitant and uncomfortable because I was under the assumption that she only wanted to be platonic and she’s straight. I still met her for lunch and kept it friendly even though she kept insinuating things sexually. After the lunch and some time I asked her what her intentions were for this friendship she didn’t answer so hesitantly I decided to participate in the flirting a little to see if I could figure it out but then it stopped and she switched on me as if I were the one texting her. After a conversation of explaining my confusion of her actions she told me that it was emotionally draining for her and she wasn’t interested in being friends anymore. Did she reach out to just be friends or did she indirectly want more?

-Just friends or just sex

Hey JFJS,

You’ve been used by a likely straight woman seeking lesbian attention to soothe some deep inner wound. Congratulations, and welcome to the club! Many, many, many gay ladies are in your company.

Straight women —and some not-straight women, yes—find lesbians a veritable fountain of female attention. And why shouldn’t they? Lesbians make great friends. They listen! They remember your food allergies! They show up to help you move, mow your lawn, process your last relationship, and make a fast getaway after a breakup. Lesbians are THERE FOR YOU in your moment of need and they hardly ever ask for anything in return, and when they do it’s like, “You can make me dinner and we can hate watch Pretty Little Liars and cuddle, love you boo.”

Lesbians are also a totally safe source of romantic, sexual, and platonic affection for straight women feeling burned after a failed relationship. Lesbians notice when you cut your hair and tell you how good it looks in between thoughtful hugs and buying you a round of your favorite beer because you deserve it.

Lesbians are a totally safe source of romantic, sexual, and platonic affection for straight women feeling burned after a failed relationship.

Straight women are tired of feeling taken for granted and under-appreciated by dudes who don’t even notice they cut their hair, made dinner, and cleaned up after.

Lesbians are good to straight women because lesbians love, enjoy, hold up, respect, and appreciate women. And while some women are size-phobic, lesbians tend to be more generous in their respect and love of all bodies.

With your chivalrous attention, straight women get instant validation that they really are pretty, they really are sexy, they really are … whatever it was their last boyfriend said they weren’t when he ended it. When they bat those eyelashes at you, straight women get treated to lunch and dinner and drinks and get bestowed free gifts just because and get all of the rewards that you would otherwise give to your girlfriend, if you had one.

With your chivalrous attention, straight women get instant validation that they really are pretty, they really are sexy, they really are … whatever it was their last boyfriend said they weren’t when he ended it.

So, this old high-school acquaintance of yours, I don’t think she reached out on social media just because she wanted to catch up and go for brunch. I think she had a very specific and very personal reason for reaching out to you when she did, and it probably involved external validation of her identity at the expense of your identity.

She was flirting with you over text because:

It’s not face to face, so she doesn’t actually have to see you

It turned her on to send those flirty messages

She might be emotionally shut down after a breakup and flirting with you gave her a little spark of hope she could one day be a sexual being again

“Men are assholes “

She isn’t getting the sort of male attention she used to, and she misses it/needs it/craves it

She wanted to try flirting with a woman to see if she was possibly bi and decided when you met face to face she is not bi, or to into you

This is a kink for her and you were just her latest drive-by kink victim

I’m not opposed to lesbians having straight females for friends. Some of my best friends are straight ladies. And they will tell you the perks of having a lesbian BFF go deep. But my friends never leaned on me without giving back, and they didn’t use me for attention they weren’t getting from guys.

She doesn’t want to be friends with you because she never wanted friendship. She wanted your attention. Stop worrying about this social media space case and save your worries for real, dateable women. It’s not your job to rehab straight girls back to dateable condition. Set boundaries and only give your attention and time to people who can reciprocate.

Do you have a question for Lindsey? Write to the editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!