We begin with Lost in Showbiz's favourite how-much-money-is-enough? story since gazillionaire JK Rowling accepted another wedge to greenlight a hideously infra dig Harry Potter theme park in Florida. To wit, the first diplomatic incident of 2010 involving Beyoncé.

We lay our scene on New Year's Eve, in the Caribbean paradise of St Barts, which seems to have been an island of two parties. At one location, Roman Abramovich and his girlfriend Dasha Zhukova were hosting what can only referred to as a party-effect event, packed as it was with their close friends such as Marvin out of JLS. Elsewhere, however, was the main draw – Dame Beyoncé Knowles, performing a one-hour set of songs for revellers at the exclusive Nikki Beach club, for a reported fee of $2m. Tab picked up by Colonel Muammar Gaddafi's son Hannibal.

The audience included Beyoncé's husband, Jay-Z, and despite the best efforts of the pair's publicist to hush up the provenance of the fee, there are those beginning to question whether a couple whose combined worth was recently estimated at $1bn really need to rent themselves out to sons of one of the Great Satan's least beloved antagonists.

Of which more later. For now, if you're having trouble keeping your Gaddafi spawn straight, you should know that Hannibal, 33, is fast cementing his place as the black sheep of an otherwise enchanting family. Sure, his elder brother Moatessem-Billah is alleged to have once attempted a coup against his own father, but Mo's totally back inside the Bedouin tent now. In fact, he's a national security adviser, so he's positively pissing out of it, while Hannibal . . . well, what can you say about the boy? He's an absolute scumbag, my darlinks – such an unusual trait in a waster fifth son of a tenuously sane dictator – and though I'm given to understand that even saying so will draw a call to the editor from the dedicated team of diplomats charged by Hannibal's papa with dealing with the crap he leaves in his wake, I can't think we should worry ourselves too much about such things.

Space doesn't permit a full rundown of Hannibal's misdemeanours, though you might recall that it was only this Christmas Day that police were called to his suite at London's Claridge's hotel, after sustained screams were heard coming from it. According to witnesses, they found his extremely distressed wife, Aline, blockaded into a room by his bodyguards, bleeding heavily from her face and with a clearly broken nose. She later claimed her injuries were the result of an accidental fall. A swift call to the Libyan ambassador ensured Hannibal avoided so much as an informal interview.

Yes, Britain did not handle the situation entirely edifyingly. Then again, plenty of other countries have failed to play a blinder over the years, on account of Hannibal's claim to diplomatic immunity. In 2001, it enabled him to leave Rome without charge despite the fact he had attacked three Italian policemen with a fire extinguisher in his hotel. In 2004, it saw him released on the spot by French police who had been involved in a high-speed car chase with him as he allegedly drove intoxicated the wrong way down the Champs Elysées, while a year later he avoided custody despite having beaten up Aline in a hotel, before allegedly brandishing a handgun at police, then repairing to another hotel where he embarked upon a rampage of furniture smashing.

Indeed, as far as European powers taking a hard line on Hannibal is concerned, we must award a rare thumbs up to Switzerland, which, in 2008, held both him and Aline in police custody for two days for allegedly beating their servants. It is fair to say the Colonel did not take this in enormously good part.

He immediately shut down Libyan subsidiaries of Nestlè and ABB, cut oil supplies to Switzerland, cancelled most commercial flights between the two countries, withdrew around $5bn from his Swiss bank accounts and arrested two travelling Swiss businessmen. Two months ago, these men were convicted of visa irregularities and tax evasion, and jailed for 16 months each. In July last year Gaddafi submitted a proposal to the UN calling for the abolition of Switzerland.

Whether Beyoncé feared similar reprisals should she decline to rattle through Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) in return for a couple of mill we cannot say, but the growing row over her decision to do so has led some to speculate that it will lead to a froideur with Barack Obama, who has hitherto been pally with the Knowles-Zs, but probably can't be doing with all this just now.

Still, let us not forget that it wasn't so long ago that Beyoncé's friend P Diddy was appealing to the oil states of the Middle East to "send me some oil for my jet". Could she really have borne it on her conscience had she shut off a potential supply line? Hip-hop diplomacy is harder than it looks, kids, and the sooner we realise it's all shades of grey out there, the better for our chances of shaking booty in an imperfect world.