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Epstein kills himself, butts invade America, IRL plot holes, Vito is in studio, white women f*ck dogs, my dad turns me into a bicycler, one in three women use Tindr for free food, millennials have no friends, the $100 Kiwi Chris threat bet, dick pics, why to bring a gun to school and create child pornography, and body acceptance double standards when it comes to the penis; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Madcucks has come out of retirement to eat soup and ruin personal and professional reputations, and he’s all out of soup. “The Bestest Documentary in the Universe” has dropped, and it’s way better than it has any business being. It’s so good, in fact, that I’ve submitted it to both the Sundance and Slamdance film festivals. Not just because winning awards and esteem at these festivals would further erode Maddox’s soul, not because I want an excuse to go to either and party, but because it would be so, so funny. To see Madcucks’ triumphant return and find out what Maddox is talking about when he says that we’ve “only heard 1%” of the evidence he has against me, watch it below!

But first…

If we call it the “Body Positivity” movement, but it doesn’t apply to your cock. Send that to every woman you know in your personal and professional life and at least one, probably most, will have a big fat conniption fit over it. It also doesn’t apply to men under six feet tall. You will be mocked until you kill yourself. If you’re going a bit bald, look elsewhere. You are a joke for being alive. If you have a mustache or a beard or a neck beard, get ready to be called a pedophile, an incel, or an incel pedophile until you shave it. Even if you look too drunk to be driving, the Body Positivity movement does not apply to you.

It only applies to great big fat broads. And that my friends is a plot hole.

The world’s most wanted billionaire pedophile dies by his own hand in a maximum security prison. No cameras were recording and his guard on Suicide Watch–where they watch you commit suicide apparently–was a substitute. The media reacts by insisting that “Fredo” is the Italian version of the n-word, and that implicitly, the appropriate response to anyone calling anyone a version of the n-word is to threaten to throw them down the stairs. This is a plot hole.

You can’t throw a cat on TV or make out with your dog. You can do it, you just can’t do it on TV. Half a million humans sleep on the street. You can’t say things if other people hear it and do things because of it. You can sell poison to kids like that though, just the right kinds. You can’t misgender a robot. You can’t put black makeup on your face. You can’t swear around children. Dicks are illegal.

The world needs another set of eyes on it. The jokes need to be punched up. A script supervisor needs to be on hand to make sure threads aren’t getting lost; the tone is consistent. It’s time to put the super villains in charge, and 80s Girl just got her car stolen, so I’ve got to go call the police.

“I Should Have Won It” by KenDollinHide



“George’s Ode to Women” by Plageuis



Dick Pics



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