This is what it’s like having ADD before you’re diagnosed. Schools set what they deem to be a measure of success for the “standard brain.” The very same people who are supposed to be promoting individuality, discovering yourself, taking pride in who you are as well as preparing us for the real world are the very same people who set one bar that equals success.

If we don’t measure up, we’re labeled as lazy or unmotivated. That certainly feels good. Of course, many of us with ADD are very intelligent and have certain coping mechanisms, so while we may not get A’s, B’s and C’s are regular guests on our report cards.

I was diagnosed with ADD and put on meds in 7th grade. There was certainly some improvement, but I knew I could have still done better, but how? Over the years, I managed to get by. Not without the extreme meltdown, tantrum, lies and BS to cover up my insecurity, but I got by.

Sophomore year of high school, as was typical, I didn’t read an assigned book in English class. Having not read the book, I didn’t write the essay either. For a few weeks, I managed to cover this up to my parents. Eventually, of course, they found out I was getting a D in the class because of this and sat me down.

I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but I ended up in a fit of rage like I’ve never seen from myself before or since. I unzipped my backpack and threw disorganized papers (I’ve never been able to organize anything) everywhere. I was ripping apart binders. Crying while yelling, “I don’t care. I don’t fucking care. None of this matters.” That’s how I imagine teenagers with ADD often feel. Others can’t understand them or what it’s like to live with ADD, so they stop caring about how they’re seen.

My parents were both afraid. Afraid to the point my mom was crying and my dad called a psychiatrist I had seen a few times. He recommended they either bring me in one day that week or, if they felt is was that bad, take me to be evaluated at the hospital. Luckily, it did not come to that, but I did end up going to private school for a year.

At private school, my grades improved and I had some of the best, most understanding teachers I’ve ever had. But I was surrounded by many students who had been kicked out of public school or had more severe or dangerous issues than ADD. I missed my friends. I missed my swim team, which provided me an outlet for my ADD.

I was fortunate enough to realize early on that I could never wear a suit and go to work every day doing the same thing. When I first got into college, I wanted to write movies. At the time, I didn’t realize the connection between ADD and creativity. People with ADD are often under-stimulated by everyday life. Not that other people aren’t, but those with ADD have to scratch an “itch” for more stimulation. So often, we turn to storytelling to provide order to the chaos that follows us every step of our lives.

This is your brain on ADD

I was lucky enough to end up doing advertising — something that combines my creative ADD side with a business sense I got from my dad. I thought I found a way to make the most of my ADD and turn it into a positive, which I truly believe ADD can be at times.

That brings me to why I’m writing. I recently started reading more about ADD in books and online. I’m learning more, hearing others’ stories and seeing my own clearly. Reading these books and stories often has me on the verge of tears, because for once, I feel like I’m being understood. Like someone can identify with me. I didn’t realize how ADD dictates such a large breadth of my personality.

I don’t want to be horrible with money. I try to make smart decisions. I try to put money into savings. I try to say no when I want something I know I don’t need. I actually did say no to the XBox One while standing in Best Buy holding the box. That was a HUGE win for me. A week later, I went and got two pairs of jeans.

I don’t want to be the guy who is always putting up a fight at work. I don’t want to be the guy who is always complaining about how much better things can and should be, even though I‘m right. I don’t want to be the guy who just can’t keep his mouth shut. I don’t want to be the guy who can never be satisfied with a little win. I don’t want my writing to be full of tiny errors. I want to be able to reread my own writing and edit better. I don’t want to be the guy who has to leave at 5:45 and work from home while others stay until 9 o’clock or even later. I don’t want to be the guy who looks for a new job every few months or changes cities because I need a change of pace. I don’t want to be the guy who often times argues just to defend the other side to see if I can because it’s a challenge and it’s exciting.

I don’t want to be the guy who forgets to call his grandmother for a month before she passes away anymore. I don’t want to be the guy that doesn’t come home to see my family for six months. I don’t want to be the son the rest of my family doesn’t truly understand. As hard as they try, they don’t. I don’t blame them, how could they?

I don’t want to be the guy who is horrible at staying in contact with my best friends, even those I have known since I was 2 years old or those I lived with in college. I don’t want to be the guy who makes plans for tomorrow night and forgets within 24 hours. I don’t want to be the guy who stays home because I find going out to a bar for small talk boring as hell.

I don’t want to end up alone, but I don’t want to force someone to deal with my shortcomings. I don’t want to be the guy that passes on ADD to his child and sets him up the same pain and misunderstanding I’ve felt.

I don’t want to be the guy who feels like no matter what he does or says is never understood. I don’t want to be seen the way I think people see me.

I don’t want to be the guy who goes through life letting ADD dictate who he is and how he acts.

Until recently, I thought being a writer at an ad agency plus some Adderal solved all my issues. I got to use the best parts of ADD — creativity, wit, a rapid fire brain, multitasking, a knack for analyzing, seeing deeper meanings and being good in a crisis.

I didn’t realize that the reason I haven’t been truly happy in a long time is because of the pain ADD brings. Don’t get me wrong, I can be happy for a moment or even a week, but I am not happy with myself. I want to be better. But like that essay, as much as I want to be better and try to be, I’m not. And like our dancer with one leg, I can’t explain why.

I now realize that medication alone won’t solve the problems that come with ADD. It takes an active effort, outside help and support to try to bring your life together. Today’s the day I start acting like an adult, even if it kills me.

It’s 10:45 on a Wednesday and I spent the last hour writing this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to start doing work.

If you have ADD and want to connect with others, I 100% recommend visiting this subreddit or reading this book.