To play the game, you will need:

1 belt

1 knife

1 hammer

10 pre-game shots of Jägermeister

10 during-game shots of Jägermeister

Rules:

1. Begin by saying the craziest thing that comes to mind. It doesn't have to make sense; the more nonsensical the better--like the time Ben Carson said, “there is no war on women. There may be a war on what’s inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country.”

Take a shot.

✅

2. Repeat Step 1; add a race. If you believe it, it must be true! How else are you going to get behind Carson’s stance that a Muslim has no place in the White House?

Take a shot.

✅

3. Close your eyes. Choose any historical figure + any historical document and insist that person wrote it. Just like that time Ben Carson told everybody that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution.

Take a shot.

✅

4. Pick up the hammer. Chase your mother around the house with it. Don’t chase her *too* long; she might "set the facts straight" and suddenly be chasing YOU with the hammer.

Take one shot.

Take a bonus shot if your mom catches up you with that hammer.

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5. Have your friend put the belt on and stab, stab away! No need to worry about his or her safety. In buckle we trust!

Share a shot with your friend whose life has been spared. If you miss the buckle and stab your friend, poor some out for the homies.

✅

6. Getting hungry? Grab some crackers and solve the issues within the hummus. Forget about the issues in Hamas. It’s all about the hummus.

Instead of a shot, grab a wine goblet and load it up. Nothing like wine, crackers 'n hummus! *DO NOT EAT WITHIN 100 YARDS OF WHITE HOUSE.

✅

7. Close your eyes again. Deny that anything in the room you’re standing in exists. You know, just like how climate change doesn’t exist because you can’t see it. By the way, how’s that whole God thing working out for you?

Drink a glass of water. After all, we all know the drought in California is made up, too.

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8. Select a historical genocide. Blame it on Planned Parenthood, because Planned Parenthood is really about controlling the population. Just like the Nazis.

Take a shot.

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9. Pick anything you don’t like and declare it “worse than slavery.” That will teach that goddamn broccoli where it stands. Broccoli and Obamacare: both worse than slavery.™

Take a shot.

✅

10. Choose a burial device. Fill it with food. If it weren’t for Ben Carson-splaining to us about the Egyptians storing wheat in the pyramids, you never would have thought about filling up your mausoleum with all of those cases of canned of ravioli.

Take an extra shot if you bury your friend you accidentally stabbed in Step 5 alongside the ravioli.

✅

You're now drunk enough to eat all that ravioli. Congrats.

✅✅✅

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Tim Drake (@timdrake) is a writer, director and actor, currently balancing life between Salt Lake City and Los Angeles. Tim continues to study comedy writing with Second City and hosts the comedy and entertainment podcast “On the Mic with Tim Drake.”