Another Criminal Fucks Up PEKIN, Ill. – An attempted murder suspect briefly triggered a nationwide alert when he allegedly cut off an ankle monitoring bracelet.



Aaron “Garth” Baecker, 63, of Pekin, was recaptured Thursday evening.

Baecker was indicted Jan. 25 for the attempted first-degree murder of his wife and aggravated domestic battery. On Feb. 3, Baecker was released from the Tazewell County Justice Center on $250,000 bond, with the requirement that he wear the monitoring bracelet.



Sgt. John Horan of the Tazewell County Probation Department says Baecker cut off the device late Thursday afternoon.



Horan says authorities located the device a short time later and moved Baecker’s wife to a safe location before recapturing her husband. I’m starting to think my true calling in life is Fugitive Advisor. I literally cant stomach reading another article about Chicago Criminals doing dumb shit and then getting caught by the cops. Clearly I am qualified, Ive watched about 2 million hours of Cops in my life. Ive watched so many episodes that I routinely see repeats but I still watch it because it gets me so jazzed up. I also would say that my on the go instincts are well above average. So this is the last time I’m giving out advice for free, next time I’m charging. Guy, you have an ankle bracelet, you do realize that means when you cut it off and leave it in one spot the cops know somethings up because you havent moved for 2 days. What you need to do is cut that ankle bracelet off and the put it on your dogs leg. Your dog walks around the house for a week licking his balls while youre halway to Mexico in a red corvette with a hot babe and the cops are none the wiser. Pretty simple if you ask me. Mar 12 2010 Text tagged as:

I Would Hate To Fly With This Guy There’s been a lot of scandals involving flight attendants of late, from prostitution rings to half-nude photos to upcoming reality shows. Thankfully, the flight crew on Canada’s Air Transat is bringing some class and decorum back to the profession. On a flight from Montreal to Puerto, the Air Transat crew refused to examine a passenger’s scrotum, despite his earnest pleas to do so. The ballsy request occurred just over two years ago, but the judicial matters surrounding it have only just been settled. Shortly after takeoff, a male passenger felt a strange pain. He went to the lavatory and saw that he was bleeding, and it appeared to be coming from his genitals. He asked for a male flight attendant to assist him, but the flight attendant refused to examine his junk and simply provided him with absorbent towels. Upon arriving in Mexico, the man went to a hospital where he learned he had ruptured a vein near his scrotum. The injury required three stitches, but the man claimed the incident on the plane ruined his entire trip with his wife and made him anxious about flying. (Question: If he was traveling with his wife, why didn’t he just have her check his boy parts?) The man sued Air Transat and the flight screw for $8,000 (Canadian) for the anguish the incident caused him, but last week a judge ruled against him, dismissing the case and ordering him to pay Air Transat’s court costs. Sometimes veins near scrotums rupture, but also, sometimes justice prevails. I dont get what the big deal is here. Guy on a plane wants his balls touched so he asked a hot stewardess to check them out for him. Sounds about right to me. Wait? His balls were bleeding? And he asked a male attendant instead of his own wife? Are you serious dude??? What the fuck is going on here? I got totally roped into reading an article that I thought was going to be some creepy perv trying to get his bell rung by some hot stewardess. It sounded like the beginning of a sweet porno and next thing you know I’m reading about bleeding balls and male cupping. Talk about being blind sided, I need to lay down. Sidenote Is this the ultimate test of your shitty marriage? Something’s wrong with your balls and instead of asking for your wife’s help you go ask a male stewardess. I understand if it was a doctor or a murse, but I’m pretty sure a male stewardess cant help with your bleeding balls. 10:58 Text tagged as:

Asia;Weirdest Place in the world Lee Jin-gyu fell for his ‘dakimakura’ - a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan, often with a picture of a popular anime character printed on the side. In Lee’s case, his beloved pillow has an image of Fate Testarossa, from the 'magical girl’ anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.



Now the 28-year-old otaku (a Japanese term that roughly translates to somewhere between 'obsessive’ and 'nerd’) has wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. Their nuptials were eagerly chronicled by the local media.



'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,’ said one friend.



'They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,’ they added. The pillow marriage is not the first similarly-themed unusual marriage in recent times - it comes after a Japanese otaku married his virtual girlfriend Nene Anegasaki, a character who only exists in the Nintendo DS game Its official, Asia is the king of weird shit. Pack up your bags Russia, and South Florida, Asia’s got this one in the bag. I mean everyone knows about their brown rivers and bugs that will crawl up your dick and hatch eggs, thats just common knowledge, but this type of shit is just taking it to the next level. Guys are in love with pillows and no one even flinches. They even created a word for it. And spare me this bullshit with otaku loosely translating to nerd and obsessive, thats exactly what it means, no word better describes this guy.

Also, no offense fatso, but I think you can stop ordering your “magical girl” food when you go out, just admit you want to eat two entrees and everyone will stop making fun of you. 00:00 Text tagged as:

Winners, Winners, and More Winners Two loaded picks for you tonight to buy yourself a new pair of Shoes. Ok State +5 vs Kansas St Ok State won for me last night and I’m going back to them tonight. They are still playing for some serious seeding in the tournament whereas K State is all but cemented into a 2 seed. I think K State wins but the Cowboys keep it close for a second straight W. Notre Dame +2 vs Pitt I doubted the Fighting Irish last night and then Luke Harangody showed up at my front doorstep with a christmas goose, reminding me that he is one of the best players in the country. I’m going for a repeat of their matchup two weeks ago when the Irish beat Pitt in South Bend Last night 1-1 Mar 11 2010 Text tagged as: gambling hot sports

Three alleged gang members were arrested early this morning in Palatine after a manhunt that ended when a police dog tracked down one man and police found an accomplice mired in a marsh, a Cook County sheriff’s spokesman said. “There was some concern that he wasn’t moving,” said the spokesman, Steve Patterson, until police realized “he wasn’t moving because he was stuck.” Police had earlier arrested the third man and seized a shotgun from him, Patterson said. Sheriff’s officers were doing surveillance at the Country Glen Apartments in Arlington Heights Wednesday night because they suspected a gang fight was going to break out. At about 11 p.m. the three men were seen in a car in the area. One of them “displayed a weapon” and the officers gave chase, Patterson said. Palatine police also joined the pursuit. The men led officers about a mile west of the apartments to the intersection of Lake-Cook and Hicks Roads, where they got out of the car and ran. The man with the shotgun was arrested right away, Patterson said. The others fled into the woods nearby. A search ensued, and one man was found when a police dog – a bloodhound named Melanie – tracked his scent from the car directly to where he was. The sheriff’s helicopter spotted the other man lying in a marsh; he was soon arrested. Police had the men in custody by about 1 a.m. Check back for additional details. What is going on with our criminals in Chicago this week? First you have the guy that cant swim away from the cops in the Chicago river, now this guy gets stuck in the mud trying to run away. Hey bro, have you never seen Predator??? If you get stuck in the mud you just cover yourself in it, not to hard to figure out. If Predator can’t find your ass I’m pretty sure you’re safe from the Palantine PD. Instead this guy is “stuck” in the mud only to have the fat ass cops come and find him after they had a coffee and about a dozen donuts. Also, since when does Chicago have quicksand? Ive walked through a lot of mud and Ive never been stuck to the point that people around me are concerned because I’m not moving. Sounds like a quitter to me. 14:20 Photo tagged as: chicago predator

While former Florida quarterback Tim Tebow wowed evaluators with his on-field performance at the NFL combine last month, he scored a 22 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test, the Palm Beach Post reported, citing an NFL source. The 12-minute test measures an individual’s learning and problem-solving abilities. According to the Post, the average Wonderlic score for an NFL quarterback is 24. The newspaper also reported that the quarterback prospects in Mel Kiper Jr.’s latest rankings on ESPN.com – Sam Bradford of Oklahoma (36), Colt McCoy of Texas (25) and Jimmy Clausen of Notre Dame (23) – scored higher than Tebow. To put those scores in perspective, the Post compared Wonderlic numbers of run-of-the-mill NFL quarterbacks such as Alex Smith (40) and Matt Leinart (35) to those of Pro Football Hall of Famers Dan Marino and Jim Kelly (both 15) and an established star such as Donovan McNabb (14) of the Philadelphia Eagles. Tebow is a Heisman Trophy winner who won two national championships at Florida. According to the newspaper, he graduated with a 3.66 GPA majoring in family, youth and community services. Grades and Wonderlic scores likely won’t determine how his NFL future will unfold. In an attempt to better adapt to the pro game, Tebow is changing the way he holds a football, shifting it from his waist to his shoulder. He intends to show off his refined style on his pro day for scouts at the University of Florida on Wednesday. “There are things that I can get a lot better at – my fundamentals,” Tebow said in February. “I’ve never been asked to shorten or quicken my release and not have a loop in it. The changes I’m making have gone very well and it’s becoming more and more natural to me.” So let me see if I follow this story. Tim Tebow is stupid compared to some qbs, but he’s really smart compared to other qbs, therefore he is just about average. Ok, so why did I waste 2 minutes of my life reading that? The real story here is that Tim Tebow graduated with a 3.66 in family, youth, and community services. How is that even possible? What class did he not get an A in? Was it the after school four square league? Or Bible study for teenagers? He shouldnt have even had to take the Wonderlic, not acing that major says all you need to know about his intelligence or lack thereof. And for the record, Madden 2007 had the wonderlic on it and I aced that thing like 100 out of 100 times. Fuck Tim Tebow, scouts should be taking a second glance at the Big Cat. Just know that I’m only throwing on my pro-day and I’m not running a 40. 12:16 Photo tagged as: sports tebow

NEW YORK (CBS) ― Donna McPherson said she tied up Lexie, her 10-year-old Westie, outside a Park Slope supermarket “for two minutes” while she bought milk. (File) A Brooklyn woman said a mugger stole a doggie coat right off the back of her mild-mannered terrier.



Donna McPherson said she tied up Lexie, her 10-year-old Westie, outside a Park Slope supermarket “for two minutes” while she bought milk.



She heard a “funny bark.” When McPherson went outside, she found the little white dog shivering. His green wool coat, with leather trim and belt, were nowhere in sight.



McPherson said the dog coat was worth $25. She said that, fortunately, Lexie wasn’t wearing his pricier Burberry.



Westies are a breed that was used to in Scotland to dig out foxes and badgers. Well that raps up Pussiest Dog of the Year Award. I mean seriously? This dog disgusts me. Your owner leaves you for 2 minutes and youre getting your shit jacked literally off of your back. Youre a fucking dog for christ sakes, best case scenario you bite the guy, worst case you take a piss on him. But no, all you can manage is a “weird bark”, Pathetic. Not to mention you have the balls to sit there and shiver when your owner comes back to get you. Next thing you know Lexie is going to be pushed around by the cats in her neighborhood, just a total disgrace to dogs worldwide. Sidenote Hey Donna, not exactly a smart idea to mention that you were lucky Lexie wasnt wearing her pricier burberry. Way to put a huge X mark on your pussy dog. If I live in New York I’m finding Lexie and taking that shit, it’s basically free money. 10:03 Photo tagged as:

It’s the best month of the year. March madness, st patty’s day, and the first signs of spring. It’s also time for me to start losing all my money on this year’s tournament. Without fail I guarantee I will get absolutely smoked, some bad beats, some bad bets. With that said I am going to post at least two picks every night until the end of the tournament and keep track of how I do. So without further ado, Seton Hall + 2 vs Notre Dame (MSG) Both of these teams are playing for their tourney life and when it comes down to it you take the best player in the game which is Jeremy Hazell from Seton Hall. I like them winning this game in a squeaker. Oklahoma St. -6.5 vs Oklahoma It has been an absolutely terrible year for the Sooners and OK state still has something to play for. This might be close in the first half but the Sooners will pack it in and the Cowboys will roll. Mar 10 2010 Photo tagged as: sports gambling

Police in southern Sweden are investigating claims by an anonymous officer that he and a colleague secretly dabbed the tips of their sex organs against parts of a car driven by female co-workers, local newspaper Kvällsposten reports.Writing a blog under the pseudonym Farbror Blå (Uncle Blue), the self-professed officer revealed that he and his cop buddy “bell-ended* the door handles, window buttons, gear stick, steering wheel, stereo buttons and the police radio buttons, as well as the receiver used to talk to the operations room”.



The practice of bell-ending, or ollning, involves a man touching an object with his glans and has established itself as a recurring form of practical joke in Sweden. The term comes from ollon, the Swedish word for glans.



“When the girls had driven around for an hour or so in the bell-ended police car we had a chat with them and revealed our bell-ending exploits.”



“Now we know what a facial expression of bleak anxiety looks like,” he wrote, ending his post with a smiley face.



‘Uncle Blue’ also wrote in lurid detail about a call-out to a student residence where a mentally unstable young woman allegedly made sexual advances towards both him and his partner.



“We decided we couldn’t force her into institutional care. Being horny isn’t dangerous, after all,” he wrote.



Further blog posts included details of how he shook hands with a man who had just hanged himself, provoking guffaws from his colleagues. He also claimed it felt “damn good” to punch somebody in the mouth.



Having read the blog, Mårten Unbeck, chief legal official with the police in Skåne county, quickly decided to hand the matter over to a prosecutor at the police’s internal investigations unit.



“It appears probable that this is a policeman employed by the police authorities in Skåne and in my view there is reason to believe that a crime has been committed,” he said.



A number of details indicated that the blog could only have been written by a police officer, Unbeck said, adding that one of the posts appeared to describe sexual abuse perpetrated while in service. If identified as a police officer, the blogger risks losing his job.



“It’s absolutely clear that this creates a lot of bad-will towards the police if there’s any truth in it,” Mårten Unbeck told news agency TT. I’m not really sure what the big problem is here. This seems to me like some innocent old fashioned foreplay. Guy sees thing he likes, in this case a hot chick’s car, guy puts dick on it. Sounds about right to me. We call it tea-bagging the Swedes call it ball-ending, tomato, tomatoe. What I do have a problem with is how they just slipped in the fact that this guy shook hands with a guy who just hanged himself. Now I’m no sherlock holmes or anything but dont you think the Swedish police would want to investigate that incident just a little more. Here you have a known ball ender doing weird shit with dead guys. I guarantee he fucked that dead guy and thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I mean for christ sakes its winter in Sweden, theres no sun and its 0 degrees. This guy has probably fucked a half dozen dead dudes since christmas. Gross 17:03 Photo tagged as:

Former New York Rep. Eric Massa said sure he groped his male staff, but never sexually misbehaved, and he doesn’t think rough-play with other men is unusual, even at age 50. But his aides sure seem to have a problem with it. In an interview with Fox News’ Glenn Beck on Tuesday Massa, who resigned on Monday after facing an ethics query evidently filed by his former Legislative Director Ron Hikel, admitted he got physical with an aide. “Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe and then four guys jumped on top of me,” he said. “It was my 50th birthday. It was ‘kill the old guy.’ You can take anything out of context.” The play was too much for his Chief of Staff Joe Racalto, who apparently was present among the bachelors who worked for and lived with Massa at a Washington, D.C., pad, where the guys participated in the rough play. “My chief of staff had a conniption and said: 'You can’t live there; It’s not congressional,’” he said. Massa has previously claimed his misconduct was limited to using inappropriate language with staffers. The interview came after Massa alleged that party leaders conspired to force him out of office so they would have an easier time approving the health care overhaul. Party leaders denied it, with the White House saying Massa can’t be taken by his word. New York Democratic Rep. Louise Slaughter said Tuesday she feels sorry for the former congressman. “I think he seriously needs help. I’ve never seen so much self-destruction,” she said. While acknowledging the self-destructive chain of events that led to his resignation – Massa said he “owned this misbehavior” – he added that he had trouble translating his days in the Navy to those as a congressman, and offered to show pictures from a Crossing the Line ceremony in 1983 to suggest his behavior wasn’t all that bad. “If you were to take this out of context today … Can you imagine transporting back to this today? It looks like an orgy in Caligula. And anybody who’s been in the Navy knows it,” he said. Speaking from my own experience almost every birthday party I go to ends in a tickle fight/pig pile. Thats just called taking the party to the next level. Like drinking and eating birthday cake is cool and all but I really dont feel like its a party until someone literally tickles the breath right out of me. I love Massa’s defense here. Hey guys I used to be way worse, this is nothing compared to my Navy days. That would be like me shitting my pants at my office right now and then telling my co-workers that it’s nothing compared to when I was 2. You should have seen me back in 1987, I was fucking gross. Side Note This picture isnt doing this guy any favors, he has that weird “I want to tickle the shit out of you” smirk on his face. Settle down there bro, my birthday isnt until January. 14:07 Photo tagged as:

Sad day for those who grew up watching number 5 hit frozen ropes off the Green Monster night in and night out. Even though losing Nomar in 2004 was the only way that team was going to win a Championship you cant mention what the Red Sox have done in the past decade without talking about Nomar and how he made the team relevant again. Surrounded by mostly mediocre talent, he excelled from 98-00, batting .357 in 99 and .372 in 2000. Even when the Yankees were smashing everyone’s face in we still had Nomar, the best shortstop in the game and something to be proud of. I, like many Boston sports fans would prefer to remember that Nomar and not the old, injured Nomar who may or may not have coincidentally stopped taking Steroids. In that 3 year stretch it was incredible to watch someone so good at his profession excel at the highest level. On a side note, I dont think there is anyone in the world who is a bigger Nomar fan than my brother. If you asked him right now what Nomar could do for the Sox in 2010 he probably would say 28 hrs, .323 avg with 93 rbis. 1998 may have been the best year of my brother’s life, no joke. 12:18 Photo tagged as: sports

A man given probation just two days ago for criminal damage to property died Tuesday night after plunging into the Chicago River while being chased by police for tagging a building. Jason Kitchekeg, 26, of Mokena was one of three men being chased by officers for spray-painting a building on Ashland Avenue, police said. Cops caught two of the men, but Kitchekeg jumped into the river near the 2800 block of South Ashland, officials said. Aided by a helicopter, the police Marine Unit and Fire Department personnel worked for about 30 minutes to rescue the man after he was spotted at about 6:45 p.m. in the river near Bubbly Creek. Firefighters pulled Kitchekeg from the water and he was rushed to Stroger Hospital, where he was pronounced dead at 8:16 p.m., according to hospital spokesman Marcel Bright. Court records show Kitchekeg had pleaded guilty several times to graffiti-related charges. On Monday, he was sentenced to one year of probation after pleading guilty to a misdemeanor damage to property charge. He also was required to complete 30 hours of community service and pay $1,400 in restitution. Kitchekeg had been charged with felony criminal defacement in the same case, but that charge was dropped as part of the plea deal. What is this amateur hour? Everyone knows the two rules to getting away from the cops in a river. 1. Stay under water for at least 5 minutes so that no bullets hit you. 2. Swim up stream, Cops never look upstream. I know not everyone is a shark in the water (I probably would be in Canada by now thats how fucking good my crawl stroke is) but when its life or death you have to put out and get your ass in the opposite direction of the helicopter. It’s not like the Chicago river is some class 5 rapids that swept him away, the thing moves about 3 inches an hour. Also, dude, you do realize that Saturday is St Patty’s day in Chicago, probably should have thought about that before you blew your wad on Tuesday night. What’s more bad ass than swimming away from the cops in a green river? Daley probably would have given him a key to the city if he did that. 10:00 Photo tagged as:

NEW YORK – It sounds fishy but a New York City pet shop owner says it’s true. Buttkiss, the black pacu he owns, is 43 and weighs 20 pounds. A pacu is a breed that’s related to the piranha. Steve Gruebel owns Cameo Pet Shop in Queens. He got Buttkiss in 1967 when he was just a wee thing. He sold him a year later when Buttkiss was two inches long. But in 1970, Buttkiss was returned when he outgrew the buyer’s tank. Buttkiss lives in only a four-foot-long, 75-gallon tank. Gruebel said he’s afraid to move him because he may not survive the changing environment. Buttkiss is beginning to show his age. He has arthritic gills and glaucoma in his right eye. I had a fish in college that me and my roommates used to ignore and forget to feed constantly and we thought it was straight up ancient when it died after 5 months. We gave it a military funeral and went the whole nine thinking we had one of the oldest fishes in the history of the world. kind of makes me feel like a pussy now. What I dont understand is why no one mentions what an asshole the owner is. BUTTKISS? Seriously? Dude has been getting made fun of for 43 years now. We’re probably on the 20th generation of goldfish making fun of this guy, its like a family tradition at this point. Give the guy a break and either put him on a skewer or set him free. He would fit right in in Lake Michigan. I caught a fish last summer that was basically melting in my hand, still ate that shit but something wasnt right, probably was Butkiss’s brother now that I think about it. Mar 9 2010 Photo tagged as:

Carbondale Ill - Herd the latest? Miniature goats, ‘tame’ as dogs, blaze trails in U.S. neighborhoods Looking for a pet that can live in your urban yard, answers to its name, wears a leash for strolls — and might produce milk you can drink or turn into cheese? Meet the miniature goat. That’s the case goat fans are making to city officials across the USA. Hillsboro, Ore., held three community meetings this year, including one last week, to ask residents whether goats and chickens should be added to a list of acceptable pets. City spokeswoman Barbara Simon says views run “more pro than con.” The Carbondale, Ill., Planning Commission was debating this month whether to allow residents to keep chickens when Priscilla Pimentel, a member of the city’s Sustainability Commission, added goats to the mix. “If you can have a 250-pound dog in town, why not a miniature goat that can produce milk?” she says. “It’s just common sense.” The Planning Commission hasn’t made a recommendation yet. Depending on the breed, miniature goats can grow to about 18 inches tall at the shoulders and weigh up to 60 pounds, says Jim Hosley, who breeds Pygmy goats in Norco, Calif. “We’ve usually got a waiting list,” he says. “They tame down really fast, and once they’re tame, they’ll follow kids around like a dog.” His prices: about $275 for a male, $500 for a doe. Dori Lowell of the National Pygmy Goat Association says that, despite their reputation as voracious eaters, goats are picky about their cuisine and prefer hay. Only unneutered males have a strong odor, and goats can’t really bite because they lack upper front teeth. She recommends they be kept in an enclosure that’s at least 25-by-25 feet. Stephen Zawistowski of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals says it is “cautious” about the urban goat trend. He worries they’ll fall out of favor like Vietnamese potbellied pigs have. “My sense is it will get old for people pretty fast,” he says, and mini-goats will “end up in animal shelters or rescue sanctuaries.” Jennie Grant doesn’t think so. She’s a part-time copywriter and mom who collected 1,000 signatures in 2007 to help persuade Seattle to put tiny goats in the pet category. Hers are a cross between Nigerian Dwarf and standard goats. “They’re very friendly and curious. They’re just funny,” she says. In Portland, Ore., where residents don’t need permits to keep up to three goats, Naomi Montacre says they’re “really easy to take care of.” Nellie, Sebastian and Moon Shark live at her store, Naomi’s Organic Farm Supply. She suggests that anyone considering pet goats get at least two because they are herders and need company, and erect a shelter because they hate rain. “They really like people and they think you’re part of their herd, but they don’t need you all the time,” Montacre says. Debate over Fred and Barney, Nigerian Dwarf goats, played out in court in Matthews, N.C., a Charlotte suburb. After Tina and Rich Steiner brought the goats home, some neighbors complained that the goats were noisy and smelly and violated a prohibition on keeping livestock. Fred and Barney moved temporarily to a farm, but they’re back home after a judge ruled Feb. 11 that the animals are pets. “The Steiners walk them on a leash and have jackets for them. The goats fetch balls, jump in their arms and swing in a swing,” says Aaron Lay, the couple’s lawyer. “They are clearly household pets.” I need one of these miniature goats for the summer. At first I was skeptical because like most red-blooded Americans I had like 20 of those vietnamese pigs, then Super Nintendo came out and I let them all die in my backyard. But if Jennie Grant and her 1,000 signatures say this is not a fad then I’m all on board. I mean the fucking thing can fetch a ball for christ sakes, what other animals can do that? The only downside to owning a goat is that I think I live in the only neighborhood in America (wrigleyville) where I could get shot for walking down the street with a goat. Could you imagine walking up Clark street on a Friday afternoon in the summer? My goat would definitely get its non existant teeth kicked in, guaranteed. 15:17 Photo tagged as: chicago