The cat's out of the bag! Our behind-the-scenes coding wizard steps out onto the stage to detail how Google killed the Rock Star once and for all in 2016.

Dear Reader: This article is a satire piece, please enjoy responsibly.

On April 21, 2016, Prince, 57, was found dead in his home in Minnesota. I can’t ever forget that day. Strolling down the marketplace in the spectacular city of Bruges, the carillonneur unexpectedly began playing Purple rain on the Belfort’s massive 59,400lbs Dumery carillon bells.

I couldn’t stop a tear rolling down my cheek – the moment gave me pause.

Google killed the Rock StarClick To Tweet

I didn’t experience a similar event just two months earlier when the world lost David Bowie, but I did find a beautiful example to share with you all:

EUROPeAN BELL TOWERS LAMENTED THE DEATH OF THE ROCK STAR IN 2016

2016 Was The Worst Year in History

In my view, losing Prince and David Bowie in the same year is enough to declare 2016 one of the worst years in history, or at least since the death of my grandma (rest in peace ‘bobontje’). Slate magazine asked a bunch of historians and came to the conclusion that 2016 didn’t come close.

But that was in July, and thanks to President Trump, I am waiting for a retraction by Slate and apology to lovers of Rock world-wide. Because, according to the highly reputable authors of Buzzfeed, I am right, and 2016 was indeed the worst year ever. (Take that, historians! Also: Purple Rain (don’t click this link please!))

I’ve Digressed

Rock & Roll is dead. Gene Simmons explained why, a few years ago.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNlUJ_adsYU

But if in Gene’s words prior to 2016, Rock & Roll had finally met the nail to its coffin, then 2016 was surely the year we buried that coffin. Or as the New York Times said in November:

“FIRST DAVID BOWIE, GLENN FREY AND MAURICE WHITE. THEN PRINCE AND GEORGE MARTIN. IN THE MOST RECENT SOBERING SEQUENCE, LEONARD COHEN AND LEON RUSSELL.”

I’m still not over it

I met your children. What did you tell them?

Google killed the rock star. And it’s not hard to prove. It just takes a minute.

My perfectly reasonable claim that Google is to blame for killing the Rock Star needs to be understood in historical context.

Everyone knows that video killed the radio star.

Rock Stars were Radio Stars.

And YouTube killed MTV, thus YouTube killed the Rock Star.

Alex Jones, I’m counting on you, buddy.

It Only Took Them ten Years

But who owns YouTube? Google. Exactly ten years before the worst year in history.

Ten years before the Radio Star was finally buried.

It took exactly ten years for Google’s plan of world domination to complete.

World domination?

I submit to you the following piece of evidence:

In this Freudian slip, Google researchers revealed what was truly on their mind: video culture and world domination.

In 2006, Google might have said to the Rock Star, “you have no chance to survive, make your time. All your base are belong to us.”

You wouldn’t ever have believed me unless you were a time-traveller from the past, and you read this article in your future, then traveled back to your timeline and read this article again. (Pst, make sure you protect your time crystals, I heard Google’s after that next).

Because the story gets worse. Much worse.

The Motive Becomes Clear

It wasn’t meant to be Google.

Steve Jobs had it all.

Steve Jobs had the Radio Stars as he owned iTunes. Thus, Steve was the Radio. In this hypothetical situation, for Google, Steve was the enemy.

So, in order to kill the Radio Star, Google purchased YouTube.

But then, the Radio Star did something incredible. Steve Jobs launched the iPhone on January 9, 2007. The world shouted, “the charisma, the audience (us)!”

Do you remember the lines to buy that thing? I DO, I was in that line! I remember telling my wife to take a break from our honeymoon in Colorado, wake up at 4 am to drive from our hotel in Colorado Springs to Denver, and stand in line long before the stores would open so that I could secure that magical device.

On the evening of July 4th we stopped by the road and laid on the grass, watching the fireworks in Denver. The most romantic honeymoon. We took selfies.

‘iPhone WEEKEND ONE: 700,000 SOLD, $200 MILLION USD+ PROFIT FOR APPLE’ – TECHCRUNCH, july 4TH, 2007

She forgave me as soon as we returned to Houston from our honeymoon because that magical device scored her instant popularity points at work.

There was no doubt about it. Steve Jobs again controlled the Rock Star.

While Steve Jobs is literally crushing the charts in 2007, Larry and Sergey still looked like this:

Steve Jobs was a genius and again a Rock Star. Sergey and Larry were geniuses, but were falling short of their plan to kill the Rock Star.

Google wasn’t cool; it was useful. It was a white page with a search box that happened to be very clever. How could they get an audience like Steve?

And then they realized: you have to fight fire with fire.

So they went after the device that gave him the stage.

We all know what happened next. Android eventually outgrew the iPhone market share. But Android devices were still not sexy enough. So in 2015 Google amped up their game.

Don’t be evil

In 2016, the worst year in history, Google launched the best iPhone yet. I know because I own one, and Steve Jobs would be proud. They finally did it: For my 10th wedding anniversary celebration, I’ll be taking fireworks pictures with my Pixel. The Verge is still in denial, which leaves me heartbroken.

An overview of Google’s 2016:

The worst year in history, confirmed.

The iPhone dethroned, confirmed.

The death of the Rock Star, confirmed.

Apple posted it’s first revenue decline since 2001, confirmed.

Every Rock Star needs a stage

The picture below is not a Rock concert. It’s Google IO in 2016. Yes, that’s right. Open-air, like an actual concert.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Just look at the marketing pictures. Here is what Google understands when they talk about “hands-on” learning experiences:

YOU’LL DIVE INTO HANDS-ON LEARNING EXPERIENCES

Stage diving is so totally Rock & Roll. At Google IO, you can dive right in!

But Google is known to go further. Stage diving is so 20th century.

Why Stage Dive if you can Skydive into Google IO?

Edgy Labs will be sure to cover the best news of Google IO this year. It sure looks like it’s going to be a *cough* informative experience.

Rock Stars are dead and nerds are the new sexy.

Thank you for making me cool, Google! But I’m still not over the whole 2016 thing.

If you want to attend, make sure to check out Google’s page here. But if you can’t make it to the main event, chances are you can attend a concert nearby thanks to I/O Extended events around the world. Just, don’t you dare, Google!

And one more thing: that swirly thing on the Google I/O homepage? If I can make a personal guess, maybe Google is releasing some cool magnetic technology like induction charging for the Pixel 2. It could also be something that follows you.

Like a bad nightmare.

Like 2016. RIP Rock & Roll

*This article should be considered as satire. Google did not, to our knowledge, plan to kill the fictional deity “Rock Star” nor have 2016 be the worst year ever.*