I have been in a posting kind of mood recently. This post stems from a few things.

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my mother. She was again trying to talk to me about going back to church. For you to understand my reservations in this department I need to give you some background information.

My parents started going to a christian church since I was in the 2nd grade. I, of course, joined them up until my 16th birthday. Through that span of time most of my memories about church were more hurtful than kind. I was constantly bullied by the Pastor’s son. This was made even more painful by the fact that I really liked him. But he found many different ways to make me feel like I was nothing.

On top of the hurtful words, he dated both of my best friends in church, twice. Do you know how it feels to be passed up? To see someone who you love go out with your two friends? To wonder what was wrong with you? To feel ugly? These were all my emotions running through me.

It didn’t help that as we started going into our pre-teen years my friends started to develop different personalities than me. They cared more about their looks and about popularity. I didn’t care so much for that. But that was probably because I already thought of myself as inferior so there was no point trying to aim for popularity.

The feelings I had for this guy was intense. You may say that at such a young age, you can’t love someone. You don’t know what love is. Well how else would you describe it? Just cause I was young doesn’t mean I was incapable of love. If that was true then how do children love their parents?

Whenever he would hurt me I would hate him. But then he would lure me back in with some kind action or kind words and then I would be stuck again.

It took many years to no longer feel anything for him. The final straw was during my Sweet 16. I had wanted him to be my partner for the event because I knew he was a good dancer. That was my only motive. But he went to my mother complaining about being a part of it and asking why I wanted him as my partner. If it was because I still had feelings for him.

This was the last straw in our relationship. The fact that he would try to take center stage on my own birthday was something I was not having. I immediately got rid of him and found another person who was a good dancer. And I proceeded to ignore him. Even at my birthday (in which he had to come because his father was our Pastor) when my friend went to dance with someone he was dancing, leaving us alone together on the dance floor, I immediately walked away. I didn’t speak to him for a year.

The other straw that broke the camel’s back concerning my experience with the church was the Pastors themselves. For many years my father was the number 2 man in the church. Whatever they wanted or needed he was there as support. There were times that my father was taken advantage of and it wasn’t until I was older that I could notice this.

Then the final time I went to church the pastor spent the entire sermon discussing how your aren’t Hispanic if you can’t speak Spanish (this is a paraphrased version of it because I no longer remember the details of what he said, but this was definitely what I got from it). This was impacting because in our small congregation there were only two people who didn’t speak Spanish. That was my brother and I. We had had enough at that point. I did not need to be ridiculed and left to felt less than I was by my own Pastor. I had decided from that point I was done.

My parents have since moved on to a new church and have succeeded a handful of times to get me to come to a service. But its a waste of time. I smile to people who ask me how I am doing but it feels all fake. They felt fake from the very beginning.

But this hasn’t stopped my mother (and probably my father) from worrying about my spiritual life. It took many years to recover from the inferiority I was made to feel by that church. I was left to feel alone, unwanted, and disgusting. I had walls up that were so hard to penetrate.

My first steps to freeing myself from this was going to college. These were baby steps though. The real progress came from when I decided to study abroad to Japan my first time. From that experience, I learned what true friendship was. I learned about independence. And I learned to feel more confident and less reserved. Even my friends said they could see a change in me from the first time they met me.

This was pushed even further by the meeting of new people in which we discussed all kinds of topics including religion. This is where I first came to the conclusion that I was most likely agnostic. Not ready to quite dump the idea of god but definitely not willing to give over my control over myself to a church again.

But back to the original telling of this post. I usually avoid religious talks with my mother. But since I have been dating someone really special she has been worried about her future grandchildren. And for some reason I was no longer interested in hiding things to my parents like I was before. I hid my pain from my parents when I was younger. This explains why they still can’t understand why going to church still feels like an open wound. When I was being liberated from this pain and from my childish ways, I hid my independence and freedom from them because I knew they would disapprove. But I had recently accepted the fact that I am not interested in hiding. That there is nothing to hide from them anymore.

So instead of dropping her comment about going back to church, I decided to pursue it. I think I worried her more but if there is anything that I got from it was ”What do I believe in now?”. I haven’t thought about this in a while so it sort of stuck with me. Until I found an answer to it.

I have been reading a new book. A really interesting book called The Tao of Pooh. It’s a book that explains the concepts of Taoism in a simple way. In the Foreword, the author states that he got the idea because someone had claimed to him that all Great Masters of Wisdom came from the East. His argument was that the West had some as well. His example was Winnie the Pooh.

In the book he explains concepts of Taoism, while writing conversations he is having with Winnie the Pooh as well as including excerpts from the Winnie the Pooh stories. He is doing all of this to explain how Winnie the Pooh is a physical representation of Taoism.

I had once took some Chinese history/religion courses in college. I remembered my original fascination with the idea of Taoism. But in all these years I had forgotten what I learned. I also think that I was not quite ready to absorb the meaning as well. As I said that during college I was just starting to find myself.

Reading about Taoism in such a simple way in this point of my life has sort of opened my eyes. If there is anyone I would want to be in this life, it would be Pooh.

I have long since lamented the fact that I was living in this period of human history for one reason. If I lived in an older period, I would have probably been a wanderer. I am not interested in a career. I am not interested in driving past the outside world. I want to walk. I want to get lost. I want to discover new places. This is probably my most heartfelt desire. If I could just work and walk my way through life, I don’t think I could be any more happier. But that is not the time we live in.

What I am learning from this book is that probably deep down in my heart, I am a Taoist. I love nature and before reading this I was coming to the realization that the job I have been aiming for all this time might not be something for me. I love books but could I work in such a stressful environment with my personality? What I learned from this book was that I need to use my gifts and accept who I am and not try to go against it. I am not that kind of person, so why force myself to work in such a place?

I knew in college that Taoism resonated with me in some way but I wasn’t ready to understand it. Now I am. Maybe this is what I believe. Maybe this is what I want to believe in.

In the next post I will explain some of the stuff in the book from my understanding, if you are interested.