In a move that had many conservative LDS Utahns shaking their heads at the apparent lack of conviction of the Mormon hierarchy to “stand up to Big Gay [scouts],” the Church confirmed that it would remain affiliated with the BSA. However, in another move that many view as “probably related,” Michael Otterson, head of public affairs, announced Friday that the Church would be clarifying it’s policies regarding “a bunch of sort-of gay stuff.”

“The Brethren just wanted to make sure that there is no confusion about our position regarding the evils of homosexuality,” Otterson said to gathered reporters. He went on to announce that the Church would be officially forbidding some long time practices that might, now that they think about it, come off as kind of gay. “For example, long has there been the practice of men laying hands upon other men, for blessings and ordinations and such. We feel that in this day and age, men touching men sends too many mixed messages, especially to our malleable youth.”

As a replacement, Otterson discussed some preliminary ideas that the Brethren had been kicking around for something called a “straight stick,” which could apparently act as a not-gay proxy arm. “If the priesthood can travel through bones, it can well-enough travel through a stick,” he said.

He went on to address some of the more “ambiguously gay” practices, such as confessions. “And young boys, alone in a room with a bishop, telling him about masturbating? Yeah, that’s messed up. And super gay. That one is done. No more of that,” Otterson finished, almost in a whisper, all the blood in his face having appeared to drain elsewhere.

After hearing the announcement, there were mixed reactions from members of the faith around the state. “I personally love that they are changing the mission rules so that instead of pairs—which is an absolute recipe for gay—they always have to be in 5’s,” remarked Mona resident Lloyd Gunderson, about the probably way less gay policy. “When I was a missionary, you’d hear stories all the time of the two Elders who end up banging each other, instead of banging on doors. I guess with five, you got the real potential of a circle jerk, but that seems unprobable [sic].”

Others felt like the new policies might be going too far. “Good grief,” moaned Alisha Finch, Saratoga Springs mother of too many. “How is my husband supposed to baptize any more of our sons, when there can’t be any more ‘same-sex baptisms’?,” she said, in reference to the policy forbidding men to be wet together wearing white, which is practically the gayest thing of all time. “How’s it gonna work? Are they just gonna push them under the water with the frigging ‘straight stick’?”

In any event, a collective anal-puckering could be heard echoing all over Utah county in the wake of the Church’s capitulation, as the worst fears of many came true—that the Church would keep never calling gay men as scout leaders, even though they could if they wanted to, which they don’t.

At press time, it was reported that letters were being sent out to all the Stakes of Zion, with instructions on “how to avoid even the appearance of gay.”