First off I’d like to thank all of you have read and/or shared my trivial writing over the past few months. I’ve been writing these recaps off and on for six years and 2020 is already my second most trafficked year. That’s all thanks to you guys (and Peter being very bad at this). On to hometowns!

We start in Knoxville, Tennessee and this is about as good as it is going to get for Peter. Hannah Ann meets Peter in the rain at the site of the 1982 World’s Fair which looks like it’s been spruced up since it was featured in a classic Simpsons episode.

Hannah Ann tells Peter that in order to impress her dad, Peter has to become more manly. Her dad is in the lumber/forest industry so he’s either a huge land-clearing asshole or a conservationist. She takes him to an axe-throwing bar, the new hot Millennial trend. All of these bars will be closed by 2024. Everyone there is wearing flannel and I think it’s required since there’s a huge banner hanging that reads “CHANNEL THE FLANNEL” hanging behind them.

Before Peter meets her parents, he gives her a list of things he loves about her.

He doesn’t dot his “I’s” with hearts but he does include this amazing nugget.

They go to Hannah Ann’s parents’ house and they seem remarkably normal considering how manicured she presents herself. Her sister is wearing a GIGANTIC star necklace that I’m guessing is from her personal Etsy store. They tell her dad, Rick, that they went to an axe-throwing bar because they were inspired by him and he’s not impressed. Hannah Ann’s sister tells them if Peter really wanted to impress Rick he would have named every tree in the yard. Maybe Rick is alright.

Hannah Ann tells her sister that she’s falling in love with Peter but he hasn’t reciprocated those feelings. Peter tells Hannah Ann’s mom that he wants to tell Hannah Ann he loves her but hasn’t had an opportunity yet. You can read a slight cringe in her face when he says this. Rick, who comes off really well in this episode, asks Peter to compare how he feels about Hannah Ann with how he feels about the other three women he’s dating. Peter tells Rick that he’s falling in love with Hannah Ann and Rick is caught off guard and tells Peter not to tell Hannah Ann that he loves her unless he means it and she’s the one. Rick is a great father.

Peter disregards Rick’s advice and immediately tells Hannah Ann that he’s falling in love with her before they make out on the porch.

Next, we travel with Peter to Des Moines, the Napa Valley of the Upper Midwest. Kelsey and Peter head to a vineyard where they stomp grapes while dancing. Disgusting.

After getting their feet dirty they head to the production side of the vineyard and try out different wines to make their own personal bottle. You can tell that the wine is atrocious, especially compared to what they’ve been drinking in California and South America. Kelsey asks Peter to name their bottle and he chooses “Wine” because he’s an oaf. Kelsey tells Peter that she’s in love with him and instead of telling her that he loves her, he kisses her and says it makes him happy and he can see a future between them.

Following their date at the vineyard Peter and Kelsey head to Kelsey’s house to meet her mom, step-father, and sisters (Kayla and Keelan…barf). Kelsey’s mom made crab rangoons, which somehow Peter has never eaten.

While Keelan and Kayla are talking to Kelsey, Kelsey’s mom takes Peter aside and asks him about his relationship with Kelsey.

Kelsey’s family is rightfully concerned about her getting hurt. She seems to be the only woman left on the show who isn’t approaching it cynically and it’s going to devastate her if he doesn’t propose to her.

Following Des Moines, Peter meets Madison in Auburn, Alabama. They tour the university, where her father is an assistant basketball coach, and end up in the basketball arena. They’re greeted by Auburn’s second most successful alumnus (whatup Cam), Charles Barkley via Jumbotron message. They get personalized Auburn jerseys and are greeted by serial NCAA rules violator and current Auburn Coach, Bruce Pearl. Pearl puts Madison and Peter through various drills and it’s pretty staggering how unathletic Peter is. You’d think he had never touched a basketball before in his life.

Madison, on the other hand, is genuinely skilled and smokes Peter in a one on one game before they make out at center court. This is the most we’ve seen of Madison’s personality this year. It’s mostly because she was smart enough to completely avoid drama all season but she also only seems to giggle when she’s around Peter.

They head to her freaking OPULENT home to meet her family. A quick rant on her family before we move on. First, when I say their house is opulent I mean it. I know a dollar goes far in Alabama but HoollLeee Shit. Her dad is an assistant basketball coach and fundraiser under Bruce Pearl (who again, has violated multiple NCAA rules) so I’m not saying Madison’s dad (Chad Prewett) is dirty, I’m just saying I think Chad Prewett probably has alternative sources of income that the NCAA might be investigating shortly. Now, onto Chad. Look at this dude.

Is he 15 or 50? I don’t know and neither do you. If the state of Alabama was a person, it would be Chad Prewett. I guarantee you he owns at least five pairs of Sperry’s.

At dinner, Madison gets the “family special plate,” which means everyone at the table has to say something nice about her. Judging by her sisters’ reactions I’m guessing that Madison gets the special plate pretty frequently. The family prays and they toast over sweet tea.

Madison talks to her mom about her relationship with Peter and specifically about Madison’s virginity. Madison’s mom married her dad as a virgin at 18 so Madison comes from horny stock. Meanwhile, Peter tells Chad that he’s falling in love with Madison and Chad questions whether his feelings are genuine. Chad definitely doesn’t think Peter is worthy to date his daughter, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say Chad doesn’t think anyone is good enough for his daughter. Chad then tells Madison that he prayed she would find a husband when she was a baby. Evangelicals are fucking weird, man.

Finally Peter heads to Virginia Beach to visit Victoria. He finds her playing fetch with her dog, Buxton, at the beach. Peter obviously isn’t a dog person and they both ignore Buxton while he runs around off leash. Victoria doesn’t deserve Buxton. They head to take old-timey photos, which is a weird date but whatever.

After the pictures and ice cream, they wander over to a beach bar for an “impromptu” Hunter Hayes concert. Again, with the terrible pop-country music. Also, I’d be willing to bet Victoria fucked Hayes too because she has a type. The song includes the lyrics “I don’t want easy, I want crazy.” Prescient.

Immediately following the concert, Peter starts walking off with two producers (one of whom there are rumors about) but one of his exes “stumbles into him.” She warns him about Victoria. She tells him that he doesn’t deserve Victoria and calls her a homewrecker.

Peter is driven to Victoria’s parents’ house and meets her out front with flowers. She immediately senses that something is off and he tells her that they need to talk. He tells her that there was an ex-girlfriend of his at their date and that she told Peter that Victoria broke up a bunch of other relationships. Victoria fluctuates between being angry at him and acting like an innocent baby because she’s been caught and realizes her dirty laundry is about to aired out on network TV.

She tells Peter that it’s fucked up for him to bring this up before he’s supposed to meet her family. He asks her if she’s ever fought for a relationship in her life.

She breaks the fourth wall and tells the producers that “she’s done” before storming off for approximately 45 seconds before coming back to Peter. He apologizes because he really wants to have sex with her and she plays the victim. She is literally the least redeemable character in the history of this show and maybe the worst woman in America. I doubt the show knew about her racist past because they really aren’t making her as villainous as they could. He gets into his UberXL and leaves as Victoria cries in her mom’s arms.

Back at his hotel room Peter is decompressing and talking to the producer that he’s definitely not hooking up with about Victoria when lo and behold, Victoria shows up to talk. She apologizes to him and tells him that she’s falling in love with him. He laments their lack of communication skills but he loves this. He loves drama and he loves having a dramatic woman tell him how much she loves him. She tells him that the ball is in his court and he responds that he’s not going to make a decision now. He walks her out and she cries in the hallway as Peter stares longingly at the picture they took on their date. He wants her badly.

The women all fly back to LA, which seems like a huge waste of time and fuel, especially for the woman who is about to get dumped. One by one, they greet Chris Harrison at an airplane hangar. Madison is wearing a sparkly jumpsuit, Hannah Ann is wearing black lingerie, Kelsey is wearing an emerald colored velvet mini-robe thing, and Victoria is wearing an extremely unflattering kelly green dress with her tits out.

Peter leads by giving a Hannah Ann a rose. Duh, she had a normal family and they obviously have dumb person chemistry. He gives the next rose to Madison. Of course, she’s being groomed by the producers and there’s still drama around her virginity to milk for TV. Peter gives his final rose to Victoria.

Look, Peter really really really wants to fuck Victoria. That’s all there is to it. She’s a psychotic mess and he’s either being smart and knows she’s going to be fun in the sack or he’s too dumb to know he’s being manipulated. I’m leaning the former but I’m probably being overly generous.

Peter ends the night by telling the women that he’s taking them to Australia. Madison grabs him for a conversation about her virginity and the show ends before she reaches him.