Summary of events from around the village;

With the closure of The Green Lamb all drinkers are welcome at Robin Goodfellow’s. There’s a special offer on tonight where the last drink is free.

Preparations are underway for the May Festival. Oak Hill Profanum School will select this year’s May Queen.

The Infestation Zone has spread to the Launderette. The noises coming from inside are horrific People are abandoning nearby houses.

There will be a book sale in the Village Hall on Friday. Second-hand books selling for 50p. Books for sale will include gardening, biographies and gardening biographies.

Lila Kaye entered the Infestation Zone this morning. The skies were grey. Her husband wept.

Old Tom Parr is offering free wool to any avid knitters in the village. All he asks if for a nice warm jumper in exchange. Contact Tom at the farmhouse to collect the wool.

Peter Burns, Daniel Bell and David Coleman have all bought their way out of the Draft. Graffiti has been sprayed on walls reading “FUCK DANNY BELL” and “COLEMAN = COWARD”.

The Clock Tower is running seven minutes late! We hope this didn’t make you late this morning!

The Infestation Zone grows. Residents vanish. All hope lies in the Draft.