Santiago Muñez has a professional career that is only documented for maybe all of 8 minutes. More handsome than Olivier Giroud, more fictional than Ali Dia. He is the protagonist of 2/3rds of the Goal! film franchise.

The film tells the story of a Santiago Muñez, a Mexican immigrant living in L.A. who, after being scouted by the man who discovered Jermain Defoe, gets a trial at Newcastle. Despite regularly disappointing in trials, lying about his health and having one of the most awkward kicking techniques for a professional footballer (semi- or otherwise), Santiago becomes a feature for Newcastle’s squad in the latter stages of their push for a spot in Europe.

Kuno Becker plays Santiago Muñez in Goal! The Dream Begins. (via Rotten Tomatoes)

A simple yet enjoyable a film, the film’s writers, Adrian Butchart, Mike Jefferies, Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais, present a narrative that actually offers up more questions than any other footballing film would, say She’s The Man, for example.

Goal! and the whole Goal! franchise offer a “What if…” look into a world predicated on “what ifs?”

What if Lewandowski signed for Blackburn?

What if Gerard didn’t slip?

What if Mustafi could play football?

What if Santiago Muñez actually exists in alternate universe?

Rewriting History

It is never explicitly said when this film takes place — only a few loose clues in the sequel (a swap deal that sees Real Madrid’s Michael Owen and Santiago trade places being one of them) can help pinpoint this film at some time before the 2005/06 season.

Fixtures seen in this season include Chelsea, Liverpool and Fulham (adorably accented as “Full-ham” by Muñez/Becker). Santi has a brief cameo in Newcastle’s must-win tie against Full-ham which should be some indication that it is not, in fact, the match-day 22 fixture that took place in mid-January of the 2003/04 season as he wasn’t on their books then. Obviously!

We can actually timestamp the film by looking at the boots. Muñez wears Adidas F50+ boots that… really don’t warrant an entire paragraph so you will just have to take my word. Failing that, a background appearance from Jean-Alain Boumsong (who arrived at Newcastle in the January ’05 window) should be enough of an indicator of when this film takes place.

Above all else, the highs of Sir Bobby Robson’s team in the 2003/04 season should be something that no respecting Newcastle fan would allow any film to erase; rewriting such a significant portion of history would be tantamount to sacrilege.

So, for all intents and purposes, let’s say that this film takes place smack bang in the middle of the 2004/05 season.

Where is Jean-Alain Boumsong?

Our first introduction to the Newcastle of this film is a press conference featuring Erik Dornhelm, the “gaffer”, and Gavin Harris, Newcastle’s plucky number 10, recently signed for the second half of the season.

Harris is as deadline-day as they come. He’s confident in his ability and doesn’t mind interrupting his manager to reaffirm it. It is an arrogance but one that he knows he can back up. Gavin Harris is OK! Magazine.

Dornhelm, on the other hand, offers spectators and journalists a much more pragmatic approach. His goal for the remainder of this season is ‘finishing in the first four and qualifying for Europe. It’s essential for a club like [theirs].’ He is a melange of Arsene Wenger, Sven-Goran Eriksson and also Jürgen Klopp because Germany.

As an audience, we don’t know how Newcastle have performed earlier in the season. What happened to warrant the purchase of Gavin Harris? He has had ‘3 clubs in 5 years’ (yet, inexplicably, manages to not only finagle a move to Real Madrid but become a starter for their side after the film concludes). Was Dorn at the helm at the start of this season? He may well have been appointed after a previous manager was sacked. It’s unlikely though as qualification for Europe is still very much on the cards. The question I want answered, though: why is Jean-Alain Boumsong not at this press conference?

The only thing we know from this press conference is that in order to qualify for Europe next year, Newcastle ‘must win their next few games’. It’s a tall order but it’s doable.

But how are they planning on doing it?

Bielsa In Rimless Glasses

For a film about football, there is very little talk by way of tactics, formations, contract negotiations. An agent can promise Santiago an advert deal with Gap but otherwise this is a film about a footballer rather than footballing.

The trials of balancing work and personal life (Muñez’s father disapproves of his dream of becoming a footballer with multiple emphatic speeches — Tony Plana is wonderful in this film). How will Santiago be able to adapt to a culture where black pudding is a delicacy? How are his family doing on the other side of the world? It’s the side of football that rarely gets discussed but one that is tackled — I imagine — excellently and accurately. If you want a film about people playing football, go watch She’s The Man because Goal! is so much more than a film about football.

With that being said, there is one giveaway of the style of play (their “philosophy”, if you will) implement by Dornhelm and it is highlighted in Santiago’s first training session.

Having told the manager of his versatility, expertly being able to play both up front or in midfield (so he can ‘see more of the ball’), he is told:

‘I want you midfield. On the right. OK? You know who Gavin is? Slot in behind him there.’

“Behind Gavin Harris”, who we do not know much about but can assume is a utility forward akin to Craig Bellamy. Akin to Craig Bellamy…

Craig Bellamy’s departure from Newcastle in January 2005 was potentially a catalyst for or a result of Gavin Harris’s arrival. (via Planet Football)

Right midfield behind the forward. A throw-away line but one that tells us all we need to understand that Dornhelm’s Newcastle is planning to utilise a Bielsa-inspired 3–3–3–1 (I’ll concede it could equally be a van Gaal-esque 3–1–3–3 which would benefit Santiago more due to the diminished defensive duties for a wide player in that set-up).

During this period, Bielsa was not attached to a club so to suggest that he was working as some form of tactical consultant is not out of the realm of possibility.

The 3–3–3–1 gives a coach the chance to offer more fire-power going forward while simultaneously dominating the midfield. The 04/05 “Toon Team” want to attack and control play. Why wouldn’t they? They need to win their next few games to qualify for Europe. ‘It’s essential for a club like this.’ This unusual formation means a greater threat of attack, whether it was Patrick Kluivert or Alan Shearer leading the line, have a far wider reach across the field, utilising the technical ability of Santi and I don’t know like Kieron Dyer, maybe, all while ensuring that Jean-Alain Boumsong gets the minutes he deserves having already been spurned a press conference.

Equally, this would have been a prime opportunity for the young James Milner to showcase himself. Milner had been, at the time of Santiago’s arrival, a bit-part for Newcastle.

Final Whistle

Newcastle’s final match of the season is a must-win game against Liverpool. An early lead is squandered when Liverpool get two goals back. A stern talking to earlier in the film is called back to as Santiago weaves through players before finally passing. The echoes of Dornhelms almost Christopher Walken-like delivery of the words ‘the ball can travel faster than you’ lead Santiago Muñez to register his first professional assist. Newcastle draw level but that’s not enough for Europe.

In the final seconds: a free-kick. Santi’s been practicing these, hasn’t he? Gavin Harris hands him the ball and tells him to go for it.

Despite using his weaker foot and with an awkward and stunted run up, it, of course, goes in. Cinema truly is a remarkable thing.

Celebrations all around the stadium, in hospitals, in pubs from South Shields to Gateshead as well as in a pub in Los Angeles frequented by his grandmother, brother, at one point by his dad, but otherwise exclusively by people from Newacstle. In Los Angeles. Where it’s about 10 in the morning.

Again, cinema is a truly remarkable thing.

Newcastle qualify for Europe thanks to Santiago Muñez, two goals from Gavin Harris and the manager of the 2004/05 squad: Erik Dornhelm.

With Apologies to Dale Winton

The manager of Newcastle United Football Club for the 2004/2005 season is Erik Dornhelm.

An aesthetic amalgamation of Arsene Wenger, Sven-Göran Eriksson and a present-day Jürgen Klopp. With a tactical mind similar to that of Marcelo Bielsa, Erik Dornhelm has his name written over the real, now Tipp-exed, 04/05 manager of Newcastle Football Club. He replaced them and did so in resounding fashion.

Whether it was their intention or not, the writers or Goal! created a world where Graeme Souness doesn’t exist.

Imagine that universe for a moment. A world where Graeme Souness doesn’t exist.

‘One less person moaning about Paul Pogba’s haircut.’

Great.

But the implications of Graeme Souness not existing stretch further than this.

No iconic flag staking at Fenerbahçe.

No stomping tackle on Iosif Rotariu.

No friendship with Dale Winton.

Paradoxically, no Jean-Allan Boumsong.

But that world without Graeme Souness is a world where Santiago Muñez flourished.