ATLANTA—Struggling in vain to free himself from the sticky vessel, GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was reportedly forced to attend a campaign fundraiser Tuesday with his head stuck firmly inside a crock of molasses. “I’d love to tell y’all ’bout how Obama’s done let the Arabs run buck-wild ’round the Middle East, but I seem to have got myself into a whole hog’s heap of trouble here,” said Huckabee, his remarks to donors muffled by the ceramic container that slowly trickled dark brown liquid over his neck and shoulders. “It’s past time we had a president who could tell the difference ’tween a tater and a tax plan, and if I weren’t stickier than a possum in pine tar, I’d be fixin’ to shake y’all’s hands for tossin’ a whole mess of money my way.” At press time, sources confirmed that Huckabee’s attempts to pry the pot off his head had succeeded only in getting both of the candidate’s arms stuck inside the crock too.

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