The good news, male readers, is that you've found a girl and are about to meet her parents over the holidays. The bad news is that no matter how hard you try, her dad would just as soon kick you in the throat than welcome you into his family. The other bad news is that there's nothing you can do about it, because the Universe is working to make sure the old man hates you forever. Here's why:

5 You Are His Fail Mirror

The doorbell rings and there you stand, all ready for your big date. Maybe you brought flowers. Maybe you even tucked your shirt in, not only to impress your girlfriend, but also to make a good impression on her parents. But guess what? Basic shirt-tucking skills are only going to take you so far with this guy, because as far as he's concerned, you are a vision of failure, through and through.

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Not your failures, but his.

Which is not to say that you aren't riddled with failure.

Why You Can't Win

Now, we're not saying that he's jealous because you're so incredibly awesome and dude, he's so incredibly lame. We're saying that no matter what age you are, everyone feels threatened by younger members of the same sex. This is why we have these creepy stereotypes of "daddy's little girl" and "mama's boy" -- parents tend to favor their opposite-sexed children. It's partly because we condition boys to be our competitors, and partly because we're all petty animals at heart. You showing up on your girlfriend's dad's doorstep is like slapping the old man in the face with his own flaccid manhood.

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Keep in mind, every middle-aged guy has some regret. You will too once you reach his age and realize that you will in fact never have your own rap label. So when you show up to pick up this guy's daughter, it's not just that he sees the douche who's going to be boning his little girl later (which he does, but more on that in a minute). He also sees himself at your age, and all the wasted years in between.

Then again, maybe your girlfriend's dad is a billionaire skydiving globetrotter who's accomplished everything he ever dreamed of doing. Maybe you're dating Virgin Branson Jr. Surely a guy like that won't feel threatened by some punk-ass kid such as yourself? Think again.