This episode will be guest-reviewed by my buddy Kyle, who, until this point, has never seen an episode or read a book of ANIMORPHS. He has been listening to my constant prattle about this show’s fuck-ups for too long. Today is his chance to experience the things. I will write the captions. I’ll do an actual review next week. Or maybe I’ll review 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd. Who can say in this turbulent world?

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Rachel(?)’s dad wants her to move away with him and she considers it because it might be more fun than fighting an interstellar war.

Then everyone is out in the woods and the blue alien horse puppet gets thrown around and they all get trapped in a net.

Bad guys show up to gloat.

Then a space ghost freezes time to show the kids how shit the world will be if they lose.

Basically everything will be yellow and a bad CGI ship will fly around.

Also Rachel will be a mean old bitch.

The ghost offers them some alternative that would leave Earth yellow and fucked but let them stay OK somehow. They refuse. Then everything is just okay anyway.

Rachel decides not to move away.

THE CHARACTERS OF ANIMORPHS

Rachel is a girl. She likes her dad and I think she has a sister. According to others she is really vain. She’s the one who wants to fuck that bird, right?

Tobias is a bird.

One of them is also a girl.

The other one might be called Paul and wears an orange vest. Is he the one with the shitty old brother?

There’s a blue alien who poses as a retarded kid.

Visser 3 is a terrible, incompetent villain.

Oh, I forgot about Jake. Jake is a character I forgot about.

Favorite Character

Tobias, because he seems pretty happy as a bird.

Least Favorite Character

Old Rachel because she was a nasty bitch.

Adaptation Rating: I’ve never read the book. 2/5. Some of it may have been in the book, but there’s no way it was executed as stupidly. I imagine the space ghost would have been explained more than not at all.

Special Effects: I’ll give it a generous 3/5. They weren’t great, but I wasn’t offended either. From the sound of things, they tried more than usual with their yellow vision of the future.

’90s References: Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Character Development: All-powerful space entities are actually irrelevant and Rachel is convinced that she needs to stay and fight.

Why Do You Think This Series Failed?

There’s nothing about it that can’t answer that question.