WASHINGTON—In an effort to safeguard the treasured official against further weathering, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announced a $400 million initiative Tuesday to preserve himself for future generations to enjoy. “This measure is a crucial step toward ensuring that our children and our children’s children are not forced to live in a world where they cannot bask in the natural beauty and breathtaking splendor of me,” said Zinke, adding that it would be “a national tragedy” if people as soon as a few decades from now were deprived of his majestic blue eyes. “From shoring up my rapidly diminishing hair reserves to reinforcing the cracks and faults that have developed across my face and body, the funding will help protect this great Cabinet official for many, many years. Without the proper care, I could very soon deteriorate to the point where our country is left with no Ryan Zinke at all—and how will we explain that to our grandkids?” Zinke went on to say it would be a grave injustice if the closest future generations ever got to his spectacular grandeur were a mere archived photo from the Interior Department website.

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