Reeling From Yet Another Unnecessary Film, Fans Call For Common-Sense Star Wars Control

U.S.—In the wake of another completely unnecessary Star Wars film being released this week, fans of the franchise are urging Congress to put restrictions on the production of new films in the series.

Activists are asking for what they call “common-sense measures” to prevent any more pointless spin-offs, prequels, sequels, and remakes.

“This country has a real problem,” said Star Wars control advocate Marilyn Lopez before Congress on Thursday. “This franchise has cost the country billions of dollars. At the rate of new films being released, Americans will spend every penny they make on new Star Wars movies.” Lopez is the leader of a local grassroots movement calling for Star Wars fans to “take a knee” during the opening crawl of Solo: A Star Wars Story in a symbolic stand against the exploitation of the franchise. She also claims to have started the hashtags #NeverAgainDisney and #StarWarsControlNow.

According to Star Wars control activists, Disney has even proposed new “split-screen” Star Wars sequels that play two movies on one screen at the same time. If this format takes off, experts predict the rise a viewing format in which an entire grid of new Star Wars movies can be watched simultaneously, “like in the theme song of The Brady Bunch.” This would reportedly allow Disney to release between 20 and 25 new movies per week.

Star Wars control supporters warn that new prequels and sequels are already on the way. Just announced are the family-friendly Ewoks: Lost in New York, the Seth Rogen vehicle Chewbacca: College Dorm Daze, and in the tradition of Solo, many prequels featuring specific characters and their origin stories such as Greedo, Momaw Nadon, that ugly pig-faced guard guy in Return of the Jedi, Salacious Crumb, and the Sarlacc Pit, which will all star Chris Pratt and Donald Glover. Along with these films, new TV shows have been announced such as Jabba the Hutt’s 1000 Pound Life and C-3PO’s Fashion Emergencies.

“Please, to prevent killing the franchise any further—make it stop,” a tearful Lopez concluded in her congressional testimony.

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