Dreamstime

The Jahfather

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened. Yet.

Marijuana dealers across the state breathed a sigh of relief this week when they learned their jobs would not be affected if Vermont’s legalization bill were signed into law.During a mandatory staff meeting Thursday, cannabis kingpin Troy “the Jahfather” Azurla told his 173 employees that Vermont’s latest attempt at marijuana legalization seems to be explicitly written to protect the jobs of hardworking marijuana dealers.“If anything, we owe these lawmakers massive thanks for keeping our livelihoods in mind,” he said. "Jah bless."The newly introduced H.170 bill would make it legal for adults to grow, consume or share select amounts of marijuana. However, it would prohibit the purchase or sale of any form of the recreational sticky icky, even in highly regulated dispensaries.“Unless they decide to start growing it themselves, this bill would leave our customers with only two options,” explained the Jahfather. “Either they drive to Massachusetts or Maine to purchase it legally and support those economies, or they can listen to one of you explain your theory about secret ancient Antarctic civilizations while you sell it to them illegally.”The Jahfather went on to praise the bill for offering the best of both worlds. “It would take the important step of keeping nonviolent tokers out of jail," he pointed out. "And it would ensure that we get to keep our weed-dealing revenue rather than sharing it with the state."This should come as a huge relief for all dealers," he added, "considering how expensive PlayStation 4 games can be.”Critics of the pot bill say that, by prohibiting regulated sales, the state would be missing out on a great opportunity to increase tax revenue and help ease budget woes. For the Jahfather and his grass-slinging employees, however, regulated legal sales would only mean decreased profits.“I just feel extremely lucky that state legislators are willing to ignore the potential financial benefits of legalization so they can instead focus on … uh, the economy,” quipped lead sales executive Eddy “the Kushmaster” Montgomery. “Whatever you do, don’t tell them about Colorado, where tax revenue from the legal sale of weed is helping to fund everything from the construction of schools to the treatment of substance abuse.“Don't get me wrong, we dealers are happy to keep all the pot profits for ourselves," Montgomery went on. "It’s just really surprising to see such reluctance to regulate sales in a state that claims to be looking for bold new ways fund education while simultaneously trying to address a crippling addiction epidemic .”Shaking his head in disbelief, the Kushmaster pointed out that opposition to taxing and regulating the sale of marijuana seems to be based on fear that stoners would drive even more badly if their weed were purchased legally. Or that children might accidentally consume an edible form of the drug found in their home and then steal their parents’ favorite records.“Some people seem to think that accidentally consuming marijuana would be more detrimental to a child’s development than to freeze or cut education budgets ,” added the Kushmaster. “Hell, I’m more worried about my kid getting into my perfectly legal gun collection than about him eating one of my illegal sour diesel brownies.”Despite the overwhelming support of the Jahfather and his merry band of weed-dealing employees, Vermont’s “legalization lite” bill may face an uphill battle after Gov. Phil Scott came out in opposition to it on Thursday. A spokesperson for the administration said they would like to wait and see how legalization plays out in 49 other states before Vermont takes the lead on the issue.