Don’t read this over lunch, unless you’re looking to lose yours. The sexual customs I just learned of are truly unimaginable, so let’s start with a primer straight from the horse’s ass. Wisdom, let us attend:

These guys are so rich, hate their wives and bored with life they are willing to pay anything for their crazy sex fetishes and I was crazy enough to expect the money. I’ve had to be gangbanged and bukkaked by over 20 Saudi royalty at once (made 40K) in two days so it was worth it. I’ve literally been pissed on and sh*tted on so many times I just don’t understand why they like it (after the 3rd time you get sh*t on you get use to it). I’ve had to have sex with a male German Shepard dog in front of them, I’ve had to stick numerous objects in my ass and their ass*s as well, I’ve got paid to eat sh*t, I’ve got paid to get beat up, I even had to stick a live Salmon in some 65 year olds man ass… I’ve had sex with their 14 year old boys to make them men, I’ve drank cups of c*m and have smeared my face with their sh*t. So to all you ladies that are going to bash me. I’m 24 years old and have 1 million dollars liquid in my bank account. I’m now retired and can have normal sex with whomever I want.

I especially appreciate the use of “ass*s” as a euphemism by a young lady who is writing to confess that she committed dog and salmon bestiality with Arab perverts. It’s a suprisingly fitting spelling, since the transliteration of “asses” into Arabic script would also be missing the E (actually, a second alif, which is grammatically analogous to an A), but I doubt this chick speaks Arabic. She can hardly maintain proper spelling for the length of a single sentence in English.

Another confession (paragraph breaks and font standardization mine; elipsis in the original):

Nik, I moved to Las Vegas 2 years ago to be a stripper since I’m so sexy and have the biggest +2′s money can buy… about 6 months into it one of my girlfriends convinced me to come over to a hotel party with her after Rhino and we could make a couple grand just by sleeping with a guy… so like an idiot I went, spent about 45 minutes with my gfriend and the guy and made $1750… ever since then, I’ve been escorting. I charge 2k minimum and am booked a month out.. so I’m doing very well for myself… Last month I met the prettiest girl at Surrender and she told me how she makes around 15-20K per weekend traveling the world with princess, monarchs, and other royalty… I asked her how can I get in? And she told me you just have to be down for whatever… now I like anal, I’ve slept with 4 guys at 1 time, and I enjoy kinky stuff… So I thought to myself I’m perfect for this… So last Wednesday she calls me and asks me if I want to make 12k for 3 days in St. Tropez, but tells me it might get a little weird? I was like how weird can it get? and 3 hours later Im on a private jet with 3 girls heading to St. Tropez. I’m not going to say who we met up with but let me tell you, we get on a very very very nice yatch and its us 4 and about 15 to 17 guys easily the over the age of 50… soon as we walk in, they tell us to get naked and start playing with ourselves… so we start playing with our toys and there is only a few guys in the room with us watching this and all the sudden this guy started peeing all over us and then tells me to open my mouth so he can piss in it? I f*cking flipped and went crazy? Like who pees on people? I immediately tell my friend I want to get the hell off this boat but they told me I have to wait till we get back to port and if I don’t participate Im not getting paid and have to find my own flight home… the stuff I saw these men do to these 3 girls was insane… from gang banging all of the men on the boat, to some of the men defecating on the girls and pissing in their mouths… I couldn’t believe what they were doing… Now, I’m at the airport wondering what the hell im doing with my life and waiting to get back to America… Nik, if you meet a girl and she makes over 10k with one client, you know to stay away from her.

Clarifications: 1) Nik Richie, to my surprise, is not Nicole Richie. He is actually the former Corbin Grimes, né Hooman Karamian. Messrs. Richie, Grimes, and Karamian are all the same person. When I first saw the Wikipedia summary, I thought Google had conflated at least two people. 2) Answer: This punctuation mark is customarily used to denote questions? What is “the question mark.” Correct. Great, I’ll take “Up the Sheikh’s Poop Chute” for 600, Alex?

Miso: a kind of soup.

And to think that by SNL’s reckoning, Sean Connery merely ejaculated onto the “I Have a Chardonnay” heading on the question board. These rich Arab creeps make the raunchiest, most gratuitous material on SNL look like a Calvinist congregation’s stage adaptation of a McGuffey Reader. Trebek will need the whole case of chardonnay to get through this story.

Speaking just for myself, I do not have a *hardon*** writing about these dissipated perverts. This is really dark stuff. These guys are truly depraved. Many of them are probably psychopaths. From a strict harm reduction perspective, it’s a mercy that their high-end Western escorts are mercenary enough to fly to the French Riviera or to the Gulf to serve as “porta potties”: their clients would be forcing themselves on their household maids in the same fashion if foreign hookers weren’t available. Unfortunately, this is just a best-case scenario, since wealthy Gulf Arabs are notorious for repeatedly committing acts of wanton brutality against their household employees, who are mostly desperately poor people from South and Southeast Asia.

This depravity isn’t just about sex. It’s about power. These men get off on the degradation of women, even the degradation of animals. They get off on the knowledge that they’re wealthy enough to order women young enough to be their daughters or granddaughters from overseas and then spend hours pissing and shitting on them. For much the same reasons, these guys get off on the knowledge that they can harass, batter, rape, privately imprison, and even kill their maids and nannies with impunity.

The Gulf Arab regimes are stunningly amoral. They’re run by and for mentally disordered sex freaks, but they’re officially governed according to some of the strictest forms of sharia on earth. The House of Saud, at least, is known to be perennially under the blackmail of a mafia of Wahhabi religious zealots, men whose shtick is to tacitly threaten to run an ISIS-style bloodletting on the royal family and blow up Ras Tanura if their gravy train is ever derailed. The cost of being privileged enough to have infidel chicks fuck one in the ass with a live salmon is payable not only to the infidel chicks, but also to clerics who herd undersexed boys and young men into their academies and fill their minds with religious mummery. Saudi Arabia, a country named after its ruling family, is governed by men who order marginalized women beheaded for adultery by day and pay to watch American girls fuck German Shepherds by night. The other Gulf satrapies are less overtly brutal to their convicts, but they’re every bit as brutal to their migrant laborers, and their rulers are no less sexually dissolute.

Remember that the US government considers Saudi Arabia one of its most important and enduring allies, and the constellation of Gulf emirates close runners-up. This is the company that our government keeps. Our leaders provide extensive military and diplomatic assistance to a patchwork of vicious kingdoms whose rulers terrorize their subjects with threats of imprisonment or death over trifles, submit to extortion by international terrorist organizations, and devote their leisure hours to urinating in the mouths of foreign rent girls.

It’s because of the oil thing. We’re part of a daisy chain of violent, amoral state and non-state actors that have one another by the balls. It’s a big geopolitical elephant walk. Saudi Arabia isn’t the swing producer that it was a few years ago, but the West has not secured an alternative supply of fuck-you energy. We must still suckle at the camel’s tit. In our defense, though, this can’t possibly be the worst thing that is done with camels in that part of the world.

In addition to its wholesome and affordable fat-bottom working girls, Tacoma has an exceptionally well-run and modestly priced municipal electric system, powered by a robust network of hydroelectric dams in the hinterlands. This is the lifestyle to which Americans should aspire, and the one that we should fund with our purchasing decisions: domestic renewable energy sources like hydroelectricity and firewood to light and heat the tasteful incall apartments rented by tasteful hookers with tasteful curves. This is the proper synthesis of the Jeffersonian and Hamiltonian economic models, with the company of women pretty enough that Ben Franklin wouldn’t have actually covered their heads with bags. Philadelphia may have the big fat fatties of good morals and good form working as mercenary prostitutes, but it doesn’t have the hydropower, and I’m all about that baseload, ’bout that baseload, ’bout that baseload, no coal, please. #TheMoreYouKnow Contrary to propagandized popular belief, coal is not clean and green with new technologies, but it’ll heat up a fucking power plant boiler, so we aren’t giving it up any time soon. And oil keeps the exurban wankery project in good working order, so it isn’t going anywhere, either.

These are just things to keep in mind day to day when deciding how fossil fuel-rich a lifestyle you’ll pursue. A portion of your gas bill is going to the enrichment of already obscenely wealthy Arab men who use their wealth for the extremely obscene purpose of flying in women from overseas to work as human toilets. It’s a fact of the oil and gas industry, and it isn’t even the worst thing about the industry. The dirty old man who sells firewood in your neighborhood probably isn’t involved in anything that twisted.

This isn’t to say that it’s morally imperative to take to sackcloth and ashes in penance and ask Al Gore for absolution every time one goes on a frivolous drive in the country or flies to Aruba for a week of masturbatory vacationing, but these are things to keep loosely in mind as variables in the daily moral calculus. We’re citizens in a republic, not bitches in the harem of some royal Arab psychopath. It’s up to us as individuals to decide how many of our petrodollars go to the Gulf to die of shame.