The Center for Disease Control’s 2017 budget document has finally been released, and it has raised a few eyebrows. For one of the first times in American history, we have bans on words that the scientists and doctors who keep our nation healthy can use. They can’t use the words “diversity,” “fetus,” “transgender,” “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “science-based” and “evidence-based.”

Fear not! The Trump administration has kindly provided alternative phrases that can be used in lieu of “evidence-based.” Per the memo,

An analyst might say, “The CDC bases its recommendations on science in consideration with community standards and wishes,” a source said.

But why stop at banning words like “evidence” and “science?” The CDC makes medical recommendations, after all, and doctors will still be allowed to use whatever heretical terms they like! I’ll be submitting a list shortly to the CDC’s budget office highlighting additional words that may be tainting our public medical discourse with reason or rationality. Here some of my suggestions:

Antibiotics

Reason to Ban: Literally translates to “against life.” What kind of pro-choice agenda are we covertly supporting by using these death-dealing agents?

Replacement Suggestions:

-God Juice

-Faith Water

-Happiness Potion

Mortality

Reason to Ban: Is death final? Who knows? According to “science,” probably. But not according to multiple holy scriptures. The word is biased against nearly every major religion which claims an afterlife.

Replacement Suggestions:

-Transcendence

-Rebirth

-Crossing Over

Sexually Transmitted Infection

Reason to Ban: Talk about a contradiction in terms. Young, unmarried people are at increased risk for contracting sexually transmitted infections, but unmarried people shouldn’t be having sex! The very phrase encourages our youth to adopt the libidinous sexual mores of a depraved society. Ban it!

Replacement Suggestions:

-“The itchies”

-Righteous Punishment

-[not actually a word, just a slow, solemn shaking of the head ‘no’]

Vaccine

Reason to Ban: Yes, the rates of illnesses prevented by vaccines have plummeted over the past 100 years. But you know what’s risen? Popular sentiment against vaccines. Democracy functions best when all voices are given equal weight, no matter how inane or conspiratorial they may be. It’s simply too hot-button of an issue right now to continue to be able to use this controversial word.

Replacement Suggestions:

-Autism generator

-Secret government sterilization and control program

-Poison

Mental Illness

Reason to Ban: I’m surprised we didn’t submit this one on the first ban list. There is no such thing as mental illness, only people who are unhappy. Your brain is the most complicated system ever created, but surely nothing can ever go wrong with the delicate balance of neurotransmitters and billions of neurons in your head. People raving on the street aren’t schizophrenic, they’re just hungry.

Replacement Suggestions:

-Demonic possession

-Debbie Downer

-Moody

Hospital

Reason to Ban: In academia, there’s the ivory tower. It’s removed from society, and full of liberals and communists. Well, hospitals are like healthcare’s ivory towers. Have you seen how many MDs they can cram into those buildings? There’s no telling what crazy schemes to save lives and improve community health is occurring at these nefarious buildings. We need a new name that reflects the misery of getting sick, stripped of left-wing pomp and frill.

Replacement Suggestions:

-Ailment Abode

-Suffering Citadel

-Hemorrhage Hermitage

Ban

Reason to Ban: Let’s face it – banning has a very negative connotation. Dictators and authoritarians throughout history have banned words, ideas, religions, you name it. We don’t want that kind of negative PR. We need something softer, something that will appeal to the kids.

Replacement Suggestions:

-Words with no chill

-Negative dabs phrases

-Government censorhip