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A dude in St. Louis SAN LUIS OBISPO is giving up on his hipster dreams, and therefore on his fixie. Result: one of the funnier bike-for-sale Craigslist ads we’ve seen.

I tried so hard. I dated a girl from Portland. I criticized cheese. I applied the term artisanal to every inanimate object that went in or on my body. I burned and singed my forearms just to make it look like I was going to culinary school. I grew Carol Brady hair. I got itchy from the finest flannel and I cut off circulation from the waist down with jeans that made my ass look like an elevator button. … And I rode a fixie. No more. It’s all gotta go. The hair, the macrame, the texting overages, the Netflix and Hulu Plus. The record collection (have you ever tried to box up and move an effin stack of LPs?!) … and the bike.

The bike’s going for $1,100, but stopping will cost extra:

The guys at the hipster store don’t tell you fixies don’t stop. So I will. Fixies don’t stop. Stop sign? Fixie don’t care. Car coming turning in front of you at a three-way stop? Fixie laugh. Want Chipotle? Nope. Fixie want protein powder/beet/purple carrot/bee pollen juice and won’t stop till he gets it. Fixie has a mind of his own.

I’ve emailed the guy to find out whether the bike is still for sale, and I’ll update when he gets back to me — or if you have $1,100 and a lot of extra bee pollen juice, you can inquire for yourself.

Update: As you’ll see above, for some reason it didn’t even OCCUR to me that slo.craigslist.org wouldn’t be St. Louis, so I didn’t check. It’s not!

Update that doesn’t have to do with my geography fails: The bike’s owner, Andrew Pridgen, got back to me and said the bike’s still for sale — “hundreds of replies – one-half-assed offer, that is all.” Craigslist took the ad down after it got flagged, because they suck, but send me an email if you genuinely want to buy the bike and I’ll pass it on. Although Andrew says he might just keep Fixie, now that it’s a celebrity:

some mom was walking through downtown SLO the other nite w/her two young daughters (like around 6 or 7) who pointed at the bike and the mom yelled out, ‘Oh — Fixie don’t care.’ …so, that kinda warmed my heart…