How to Deal with Ungrateful People

Stoic Strategies for Daily Living — 4

[This is the fourth article in the series Stoic Strategies for Daily Living. In this series, I will explore Stoic solutions to our everyday problems. The emphasis is not just on solutions, but also on how to apply them to our daily lives. Chuck Chakrapani]

We have all benefitted people, in the form of gifts and help when they need it, who seldom reciprocate. When we need help, even if is it very simple, they are nowhere in sight. When seen, they feel no need to return a favor. It’s as if we are strangers to them. It’s not just their failure to return favors that annoys us; what roils us is their indifference. We feel cheated and exploited.

How do we deal with them? Do we remind them what we did for them? Do we become angry and upset? Do we ignore those in need? Do we stop doing favors? Do we indirectly hint at their ungrateful behavior? The Stoic answer is none of the above.

We don’t control other people’s behavior

Remember that we control only our thinking and our actions, not other people’s thinking or actions. So, don’t expect them to behave a certain way or do a certain thing. Don’t expect anything from them. It’s their job to be grateful. It’s futile to complain about how others are. They are what they are and do what they do.

What is good for others is also good for us

We try to be helpful and we do favors because we realize we are a part of a larger system. When we hurt others, we indirectly hurt ourselves. When we do things that benefit others, we benefit as well. When we stop benefitting others, we stop benefitting ourselves. Marcus Aurelius had this to say:

What is not good for the beehive is not good for the bee. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.54 (Chuck Chakrapani, Stoic Meditations, 6.54)

As Hierocles explained it, we are in the middle of a set of concentric circles (see figure below).