CHICAGO—Telling reporters that the additional scrutiny had yielded promising results, authorities confirmed Wednesday that blacklight analysis showed that a velvet poster of a mushroom kingdom looked even cooler than previously imagined. “When placed under ultraviolet light, we quickly discovered that the frolicking butterflies, the little gnome, and indeed the entirety of the whimsical, fungus-filled world was far more awesomely psychedelic than we initially realized,” said analyst Keith Dupont, noting that UV-A technology had revealed totally insane swirls and crazy-ass patterns that were undetectable to the naked eye. “We had expected some far-out trippy shit around the caps, but the freak-as-hell colors on the stems were largely unanticipated. We believe these results will help us come to a fuller understanding of what makes this poster so fucking mind-blowing.” Dupont added that he had been disturbed after further blacklight analysis suggested that his teeth glowed super bright in a weird, creepy way.

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