WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans on Tuesday marvelled at Donald J. Trump’s ability to transform the former C.E.O. of ExxonMobil into a figure deserving of their sympathy.

Across the country, Americans expressed amazement that Rex Tillerson, who presided over the nation’s largest oil company and has an estimated net worth of three hundred million dollars, is now someone they find themselves pulling for.

“Rex Tillerson made tens of millions of dollars a year while ordinary consumers like me suffered from high gas prices,” Tracy Klugian, a hardware-store clerk in Lansing, Michigan, said. “Having said that, no one deserves to be treated the way he was today.”

“ExxonMobil had an egregious record for environmental damage and human-rights violations around the world,” Carol Foyler, a school counsellor in Santa Rosa, California, said. “Still, your heart has to go out to him.”

As for Tillerson, he bid a gracious farewell to his associates at the State Department and announced that, even though his government career was at an end, he would never stop trying to harm the world as a private citizen.