If you’re religious, remember that the sinfulness of masturbation comes from a lack of procreation, so unless you’re in a hetero marriage and constantly breeding, you’re technically already violating church law, so why not enjoy yourself in the process? And that’s keeping in mind that most religious texts don’t actually even refer to masturbation at all, let alone condemn it. So let go of your guilt.

If, like me, you’re already a wanker then know that you’re doing the best possible thing for your body. You’re learning about how your anatomy feels, how it responds to different stimuli and most importantly you’re getting an understanding of what ‘normal’ feels like, so you’ll be well placed to notice if anything changes on your body and catch it before it becomes something serious. So fuck Dr. Balthazar Bekker and his villainy!

Nowadays we know that sexual arousal produces oxytocin, which acts as a pain reliever, we know that masturbation helps to relieve tension and stress as well as reducing headaches, muscle aches and insomnia. Studies have shown that penis owners who regularly masturbate are statistically less likely to develop prostate cancer, not to mention it can help with premature ejaculation. We know that masturbation can release endorphins, similar to exercising, which will help to improve your mood and even help with depression. So no, you’re not going to go blind or get epilepsy or die a horrible and untimely death just because you rubbed one out. In fact, much like red wine, having it in moderation is more likely going to improve your health overall.