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NEIGHBOURS smoking cannabis in their own home is one of the country’s biggest problems right now and causes a range of social issues, including homelessness, poor quality health care, low minimum wage, the housing crisis and encourages corruption in State-run entities. So what action can you take?

Luckily we have put together this unique article you won’t find anywhere else which has not been in any way sponsored by anyone with an agenda against cannabis.

Is it legal for people to smoke cannabis in their own home?

Absolutely not. No matter if you own your home or rent it, you’re not allowed avail of this naturally occurring plant that has proven health benefits because the government and its pharmaceutical partners don’t get any revenue from it – revenue they can later avoid paying little or no tax on. Personal decisions on what you do with your body, and what you put into it, were made illegal years ago in Ireland for your own good as you are incapable of making your own decisions. Just obey this rule and you won’t be put in jail longer than a child rapist. Good citizen.

If I call the Gardaí, will my neighbours find out it was me who ratted them out?

Of course not. An Garda Síochána is a tight knit institution devoid of any corruption or malice and has a glowing reputation when it comes to keeping their mouth shut… when needed. The Gardaí are the most sophisticated police force in Ireland, unrivalled in their field. Your pothead neighbours will just think it’s all down to bad luck that their home got raided, just as they were putting their kids to bed ahead of school the next day. You go right ahead there and make that call, you champion of the people, you. Rat those bastards out.

What will happen to my neighbours if the Gardaí are informed?

Who cares, they’re criminals. Think about all the damage they’re doing if you don’t call the Guards; generating revenue for weird YouTube videos about ancient aliens, playing Fifa 17 throughout the night, eating tonnes and tonnes of sugary and savoury snacks. You’re doing them a favour by ratting them out. With a bit of luck they’ll be all over the courts section of the local newspapers next week for the whole neighbourhood to see. And if they’re renting, hopefully lose their home, job, and have their kids taken off them and sent to one of Ireland’s flawless foster care homes. Sentences for offenders can range from anything up to ten years in prison, or five times the sentence for white collar crimes in Ireland.

NOTE: it is illegal to rat out wealthy neighbours who may be involved in politics, finance or the judicial system, so check social status first.

In tomorrow’s edition: Soundproofing Your Home From Your Abusive Alcoholic Neighbours