Early in his career, Gary Goodridge listed his fighting style as "Arm Wrestling." To give you an idea of what kind of fighting strategy a master of Arm Wrestling employs, Gary went into this matchup complaining that this pussy organization didn't allow his two favorite moves: biting and eye-gouging. I mean, in arm wrestling, an eye gouge is how you say thank you, maybe and six names of soup. Anyway, as you can imagine, if your opponent's Plan A was poking your eyes out and they outlaw that, his backup plan is your balls. And oh my God was Gary Goodridge's backup plan your balls.

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The fight started without a hint of the groin damage to come. Within seconds of the starting bell, both fighters ended up on the mat for 10 impotent yet exhausting minutes. What happened next will certainly flag this article as inappropriate by your office's content filter, so at this point I'm just typing about balls to myself. Again.

Gary was under The Pedro in butterfly guard and suddenly his entire offensive strategy centered around The Pedro's dong. Gary snaked his foot into his opponent's tiny trunks. He was wiggling his foot, sometimes feet around in there, switching between massages and attacks. Sometimes he was just trying to pull the trunks completely off, because at this point why not? Make no mistake, fight fans: Inside The Pedro's cup, a second and better championship bout was taking place between Penis and Foot. The crowd booed as Gary's toes wiggled out from under The Pedro's briefs which read "The Pedro" on the butt. It was a celebrity footjob that the executives at Tinactin wish they would have thought of first. This fight inspired a torta shop in The Pedro's home town of Rio de Janeiro to name a sandwich after him. It's a hot dog and a human foot served in a salty cup. Sorry.