Ostrich Snowzlila.jpg

An bread aisle in the Sumiton Walmart is left bare after the first warning of snow.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

It's going to snow. This is not a drill. The governor has already declared a state of emergency.

And I haven't even told you the scariest part yet.

The snow may stick.

To the ground.

According to the latest forecast models, snow accumulation is possible from Madison County to the very top of Baldwin County. No one can escape the icy grip of this winter storm. Except maybe Mobile, but y'all should probably reactivate the USS Alabama just to be safe.

Forget to buy bread and milk? Too late. Whole milk is selling on Facebook yard sale pages for $50 a gallon or one cracked-screen iPhone 4 and the only thing left in your local Walmart is something called almond milk, which sounds incredibly suspicious because there's no way you can milk an almond.

Roads? Those should be fine until the first snowflake hits the asphalt. Then road conditions are expected to deteriorate rapidly, or as the chief engineers at ALDOT say, "they'll be slicker than snot on a doorknob." But many of you will still reach for that doorknob, not realizing what a mistake you've made until your car is stuck on the shoulder of I-65 and you're forced to spend the night in the lobby bathroom of a Red Roof Inn.

This shouldn't be a problem for children since most schools and daycares have announced delays until mid-March. As for you adults with a job, you can pretty much bank on your place of employment expecting you to come in early and work a few hours late, regardless of the weather. Those almonds aren't going to milk themselves (Or maybe they do. I'm still not sure how that works).

While much of this is exaggerated, one thing is absolutely true: our attempts to survive the impending Snowpocalypse will be a constant source of entertainment for Northerners. Buried in 10 feet of snow and sipping on unsweetened tea, those Yankees absolutely love to sit back and watch us panic over the threat of a measly inch of snow.

And we never disappoint.

As soon as James Spann uttered the word "snow" we all rushed to the store to buy the necessary ingredients for milk sandwiches: milk and tortillas (bread was already sold out).

Yes, things would be a lot different down here if it actually snowed several times a year and we had things like snow plows, salt trucks, and winter tires.

But we don't.

Why should we? What's the point in Alabama spending millions of dollars on equipment that might get used one day a year?

That would make as much sense as one of those Northerners building a trophy case for college football national championships.

All we can do now is stay warm and wait for the snow and ice to melt. And please don't hold a grudge against those "superior" Northerners, it'll make things awkward when they retire and move down here in a couple years.