He had been pregnant, I realized

And now she was awake in this world.





This beautiful, faey-like being looked at me with new eyes

And old eyes

Standing so still I could see the beat of her heart through my evening dress

Deer-like in her sudden startling wake to this place

And to my knowledge of her birth.









It was a startling and sudden shift in our bedroom

Shared in silence, fear, hope, and change.





It was more then anything our birthing-room

Though I knew nothing of the secret pregnancy he had carried within himself

Cuddled in the wide expanse of his ribcage.





She was here and suddenly it was all so real

So vivid

And as if I were a parent instead of a partner I reach out tentatively

To gently touch her long wispy hair for the first time

As she trembled

Waiting for words to surface from my throat.





There was nothing I could have said in that moment.

She was beautiful and terrifying all at once

In a way I suspect I will feel only when I hold my own child for the first time

Filled with new responsibilities, worries and dreams.





But I fell in love with her

On that cold afternoon in our stuffy bedroom

Curled in my dresses and laced in my jewelry.





She was the birth of all he had wished to be

And in his death he had left me her.

This beautiful being naive in womanhood

And I would teach her, nurture her, and love her as I had loved him





And the rest we would find out together.