Wedded life is marked by a class divide linked to wealth and education, as more Americans face the prospect of living alone in old age

Can you afford to get married? In the US, it's increasingly the privilege of the rich

At 35, Mark Biddiscombe thinks it’s time he finally got married. “I have a woman, I have a kid, I want to do it. I wanted to before we had our son,” he said.

But he has a problem that increasing numbers of his generation encounter: he can’t afford it. Biddiscombe, a construction worker, is part of the changing face of marriage in the US.

In 1960, three-quarters of American adults were married. Today, just half are. Some are getting hitched later, but the share of those who never do has been rising steadily in recent decades, and research increasingly suggests money worries are a factor driving this trend. Nearly half of never-married adults with incomes under $30,000 say being financially insecure is a major reason.

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Marriage has become a mark of status, increasingly the preserve of the wealthy and educated. Today, 26% of poor, 39% of working-class, and 56% of middle- and upper-class adults aged 18 to 55 are married, according to research by Opportunity America and the American Enterprise Institute. This compares with 51%, 57% and 65% respectively in 1990.

Education plays a part, too. Those without a college degree are less likely to have a spouse, analysis by the Pew Research Center shows. In 2015, 65% of graduates aged over 25 were married, compared with 50% of those with only a high school diploma. Twenty-five years earlier, the rate was above 60%, for each group.

It’s not that lots of non-graduates don’t want to marry, it’s that – like Biddiscombe – they are waiting until their finances are sound.

Mark Biddiscombe wants to be married, but isn’t. Photograph: Lucy Rock

Biddiscombe left education after high school, lured by a job offer and thoughts that he would take a break before going to college.

He and his girlfriend moved from eastern Washington to Seattle, where the cost of living is more expensive, after his son was born with a hole in his heart and needed medical treatment.

Biddiscombe said: “My girlfriend doesn’t work at the moment, she’s looking after our son. I work part time so I can help her out. We manage OK, but we have no safety net. We live paycheck to paycheck.

“I feel it’s a good thing to be financially stable before you get married. Once you’ve made someone that commitment, it’s nice to know that if one of you loses your job, the other person can look after them.” Previous research by Pew showing that 78% of never-married women were looking for a partner with a steady job tends to support his view.

Kim Parker, director of social trends research at Pew Research Center, said there were real economic benefits from marriage and stable partnerships. “Married couples usually have a dual income, so household earnings will be significantly higher, and they are more likely to own a home. There’s a correlation between employment and marriage, so folks that are employed full time are likely to be married, that suggests a higher level of stability and income.”

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University, said there was a “class barrier emerging in the family lives of Americans according to whether they have a university degree or not”.

He cited two reasons for the decline in marriage: “First, alternatives to marriage are now acceptable – one can live in a cohabiting relationship, one can have a child on one’s own in a way that one could not several decades ago. The second is the inability of young adults without college degrees to find the sorts of jobs that can support a marriage.”

In July, economists showed how the decline in manufacturing jobs from 1990 to 2014 made men less marriageable because they lacked income and were more likely to drink too much, use drugs or be in prison.

Marriage rates also vary widely by race and ethnicity, although Pew points out that the “gap between whites and black Americans has remained fairly consistent over time”. In 2015, 54% of white adults were married, compared to 61% of Asian Americans, 46% of Hispanic Americans and 30% of African Americans.

Falling marriage rates concern Cherlin. “Marriage is the way Americans do long-term stable relationships,” he said. “Children do best in stable families. Americans don’t tend to cohabit for very long. They break up or they marry. In some northern European countries, there are long-term, stable cohabiting relationships and in those countries, I wouldn’t be as concerned about marriage.

Marriage has a very high cultural value in the US, even today when it’s not necessary to marry Andrew Cherlin

“Marriage has a very high cultural value in the US, even today when it’s not necessary to marry. Getting married is a sign of having a successful life.”

Young people are increasingly seeing marriage as a “capstone” rather than a “cornerstone” event, a crowning achievement once other goals have been reached, rather than a launchpad for adulthood.

Of course, many people enjoy living on their own. Jay Townsend, a construction worker, was married for five years in his late 20s. Now, at 35, he’s happily living alone. “I’m content doing what I want, when I want,” he said. “I’m not against marriage, but I don’t know if it really matters any more. I guess in some places, where appearances matter more, people still like to do it.”

But living alone can be difficult in old age, and with falling marriage rates, it’s a prospect facing more Americans – especially poorer ones.

Now more than a quarter of Americans aged 65 and older live on their own, Pew research shows. The share of men in that age group living alone rose from 15% in 1990 to 18% in 2014. Older adults living alone feel more financially strapped - only 33% say they live comfortably, compared with 49% of older adults who live with others. Being lonely or socially isolated can also affect your health. Research by psychologists at Brigham Young University found these factors increased the risk of premature death more than obesity.

Elena Portacolone, a sociologist at the Institute for Health and Aging at the University of California in San Francisco, said older adults living on their own faced several pressures. They struggle with household chores as their physical and mental health fails, and they often have problems navigating the complex system of services available and finding out their eligibility - only the very poor qualify for Home Care Aide, and those with modest savings cannot afford to pay for it themselves.

“Also, for older Americans, independence is really important, it’s in their DNA. If you are old and not productive you lose status,” she added.

“The compounding of all these pressures makes living alone in older age in the US almost unsustainable.”

Nyles Kracke, 93, a retired farmer from Iowa whose wife died more than 20 years ago, found a solution to loneliness when he moved into the El Dorado West assisted living centre in Burien, Washington, three years ago.

He has his own apartment, but enjoys coffee every morning with three or four female friends by the fireplace in one of the communal living rooms, and meals in the dining room.

“I don’t see very well, so I can’t go out. I like it here, though. There’s lots going on and I like chatting with my friends.”

Going forward, innovative ways to create connections between the generations will be needed, according to Portacolone.

One such scheme is the not-for-profit housing complex Bridge Meadows in Portland, Oregon, where seniors (the oldest is 94) live next door to foster children and their adoptive families. It’s a win for each generation - older adults get low cost housing and a sense of purpose, parents get help with babysitting and homework, and children get surrogate grandparents.

Winona Phillips, 66, moved in after she was made redundant in her job as a software trainer and was forced to sell her home.

For the past five years, she has helped 12-year-old Noah with his reading and taught him to cook.

“We connected so well that he’s known as my ‘special buddy’,” she said.

Winona, who has never married, said she feels like part of Noah’s family. “I’m so sorry to hear so many people are isolated as they get older. I can’t imagine that happening here.”