(I am at a pub quiz, and my ex is there hitting on another woman on our trivia team – which I find laughable given how drunk he is. Since his place was on my way home, I offer him a ride home and end up punching him pretty hard in the face when he refuses to get out of my car and tries to kiss me. The next day, he starts texting me.)

Ex-boyfriend: “So…I guess I was kind of a butt last night.”

Me: “I would’ve said ‘douche canoe’, but okay.”

Ex-boyfriend: “Oh, come on! I’m a good person, and you broke up with me for no good reason!”

Me: “Oh, right. Because constantly insisting I have a weight problem when I’m skinnier than you are, and insisting you have a right to grope me because we’re dating aren’t good reasons.”

Ex-boyfriend: “You’re overreacting.”

Me: “No. No, I’m not. I’m refusing to date a douche canoe.”

Ex-boyfriend: “By the way, why does my face hurt?”

Me: “I hit you for trying to kiss me and not getting out of my car when I told you to.”

Ex-boyfriend: “Oh…so I really was being a douche canoe last night!”