When I was a little kid growing up in Cleveland all I needed to enjoy myself was candy and sunshine. If I could be outside on a clear day shoving handfuls of Skittles down my gullet then all was right with the world. Now that I’m grown up I realize that at times life can be a complete and utter beatdown. But, frankly, I’m sick of thinking that everyone is stupid and that everything blows. So in the spirit of the New Year I’ve decided that I will no longer bitch about…well…everything. Life is too short and 2008 was too shitty. So I’ve decided to lobotomize myself and enjoy all the crappiness in the world. You can find goodness in everything…if you just self-medicate yourself enough. So from now on here are the new things that will make me happy: AMERCAN IDOL – those kids are just singing their hearts out, doggone it! AUTO VOX – it’s cool that every song on the radio sounds robotic! THE HILLS – it sure looks real to me! TWILIGHT – a vampire movie with no sex and no violence? Can’t wait for the sequel!

US WEEKLY – I must know what my favorite celebrities really look like when they buy coffee! RED BULL AND VODKA – trendy drinks that cost ten bucks at a bar? Yum! TWITTER – It’s awesome knowing what everyone’s doing at all times of the day! BRITNEY SPEARS’ COMEBACK – I was worried that she was fading. Thank God she’s back! SKINNY JEANS – they’re not any worse than acid wash! IPHONES – I’m glad people can buy it at Walmart for $200 less than I bought it. That’s democracy in action! FOX NEWS – they really do care about truth in journalism! Just ask them! MILF PORN – seeing old broads get plowed is really hot! Okay, who, the fuck am I bullshitting? All of the above blows a bag of donkey dicks. Quick, who’s got an extra-large, family-size bag of Skittles!?