EL PASO, TX—Worrying over whether he had ever engaged in any activity that might hurt his father’s candidacy, Henry O’Rourke, the 8-year-old son of White House hopeful Beto O’Rourke, expressed concern Tuesday that President Trump might instruct Ukraine to investigate him next. “What if those Ukrainian guys find out about that time last year I got my recess privileges taken away for acting up in class?” the visibly panicked third-grader said as he repeatedly searched beneath his bed and inside his closet to make sure there weren’t any unfinished school assignments or other incriminating materials that could be used against him or his father. “I don’t think I’ve done anything too bad, but I’d better cover my tracks just in case. Oh God—there is that time I copied my friend Tyler’s math homework! It only happened once, though, and I don’t think he’ll talk. Still, they went after Hunter [Biden], and it’s only a matter of time before they start digging up dirt on me.” The young O’Rourke added that he was glad his father never gained enough influence in Congress for anyone to ever accuse him of abusing his power for his son’s benefit.

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