BALA CYNWYD, PA—His pent-up frustration and anger at an all-time high following a brutal break, high school bully Blaine Madison said Monday he was ready to unload a summer vacation’s worth of abuse at the start of the school year. “I’ve been building up all this aggression, watching my parents scream at each other before turning their anger on me for a completely random reason, and now it’s my turn—I’m going to get this out of my system by smacking the shit out of some freshman,” said Madison, 16, who had been using video games as a coping mechanism until his stepfather smashed his PS3 in a blind fit of rage. “I’m wound tight, and if I don’t chuck a few textbooks at some loser’s head soon, I don’t know what I’ll do. My whole routine has been out of whack since June; usually I can fall back on shoving Eric and calling him a retard whenever Mom makes me skip meals as punishment for making too much noise when I take out the recycling bin.” At press time, Madison said he was feeling much more calm and centered after body-slamming a foreign exchange student onto a lunch table.

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