SAN FRANCISCO—In response to recent criticism by residents frustrated by the planned blackout, Pacific Gas and Electric Company officials vowed Friday to make amends for power outages by pumping wires full of so much electricity that even plugging in a lamp would instantly kill you. “If you want power so bad, we’ll give you way too much damn power,” said CEO William D. Johnson, noting that customers would never have to worry about an uncharged phone again when their hearts burst after just walking near a wall socket. “We know you’re upset, so after this current round of wildfires, we’re going to throttle the power grid with such high voltages of electricity that even just stepping into your house will cause your head to burst into flames, your eyeballs to melt inside your skull, and your brain to turn into a smoldering chunk of charcoal.” At press time, PG&E officials added that the supercharges would occur at random, one-hour intervals over the course of several weeks.

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