I spent some time at BodyWorlds 2, an exhibition of plasticized human cadavers designed to educate people who are not yet dead. I learned many things, but the main thing I learned is that the body is jam-packed with organs, much like a throbbing, oozing Swiss Army knife.

Actually, you may be surprised to learn that the human body is even more complex than a Swiss Army knife. Even more than those really thick knives that have an added, non-advertised function such as a cudgel. Bulbous biological material is wrapped all around in your body, tucked into alcoves, threaded through bone holes – it's as efficient as it is disgusting.



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But like a Swiss Army knife, not every part is equally useful. For instance, every Swiss Army knife I have owned incorporated a fish scraper, but I have never scraped a fish in my life. I assure you, if an unscraped fish is brought to me, it leaves my presence still unscraped.

Similarly, there are a number of body parts that may have served some important purpose in the distant past, but are now more likely to host disease and infection, much like pay phones. A lot of transhumanist types focus on replacing perfectly good body parts with even better ones, giving us more durable hearts or prettier eyelashes, but it seems to me we ought to start by dropping some of our vestigial organs in favor of something more useful, or at least more classy.

These organs are clearly ready for upgrades:

Male Nipples

Looking at the accessories department at the Apple Store, it seems like there's an inexhaustible demand for portable iPod speakers. We have a left nipple and a right nipple, they're circular and conveniently located – seems like a perfect match to me. Every man could be a party waiting to happen! Moreso! Now, some will point out that nipples are erogenous zones, and lord knows we don't want to start cutting those out willy or nilly. But there's no reason they can't be both. Highly sensitive, erotically charged iPod speakers. There's absolutely nothing creepy about that!

Wisdom Teeth

Why should ninjas and spies alone have all the fun of a cyanide-filled tooth? For some reason, the ability to kill yourself instantly when about to be interrogated was not selected by evolutionary processes, but that doesn't mean we can't correct nature's mistake with a little genetic tweaking. Yeah, there would be the odd thousand accidental deaths a year, but I think it would be worth it for the electric thrill of danger and espionage that we'd all experience. Plus, wisdom teeth tend to grow in late, so we don't have to worry about teenagers biting down just because their favorite band broke up or Jenny in homeroom likes them as a friend.

Ear Muscles

Some people can wiggle their ears. Others cannot. The former don't really have anything to be proud of. It would be nice to be able to rotate my ears like a stoat, but as long as we're improving the muscles, why not make the ears fully prehensile? You could pull down your hat if it starts to fall off, you could play "la la la, I can't hear you," without having to pause your videogame, and you could play "earsie" with a loved one. And, best of all, you could imitate that old Looney Tunes cartoon where Clark Gable does the backstroke with his ears. I think that's something that every one of us has longed for with a deep, resonating desire.

Appendix

The problem with saving money for emergencies is that often the "emergency" ends up being "they came out with a new version of the Nintendo DS" or "damn, I really need to get out of this stupid town for a couple days." What if each of us had, deep within our abdominal cavity, $5,000? Like in a little squirmy pouch? That would really lend some gravity to financial decisions. "Yes, I'd really like a motorcycle, but do I want it enough to undergo major organ surgery?" I'm assuming here that discount surgeons working out of pawn shops would be willing to cut you up for a couple hundo.

Coccyx

Devil tail, man. Yeah.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a mutant, a mutineer and a mutule. Look it up.

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