I consider myself a pretty laid back guy. Most of the time I’m quite happy to make small talk with people I meet, and they’re usually quite happy to do the same with me. But every once in a while, I’ll meet somebody who knows all the right things to say to make my piss reach boiling point. Here are a few semi-common phrases that people say, which make me want to rip out their tongues through their kneecaps.

“I went to the University of Life”

This has to be one of my most detested phrases of all time. So, you went to the University of Life did you? Were the exams hard? This seems to be a common phrases amongst those who are uneducated and dim-witted. Usually the type of person who is approaching early middle-age and has only just moved out of their parents’ house.

The worst thing about UOL Graduates is that not only do they insinuate that their lack of formal education has not held them back in life, but that it has actually made them smarter or more worldly.

I’m well aware that education is not always synonymous with intelligence and worldliness, but to infer that failing in school is something to be proud of… well that just makes you a dick.

“I have a really good judge of character”

Of course you do.

People who claim to have a ‘Good judge of character’ are usually just ignorant fuckers who use their supposed “skills” as a licence to pass judgement on anybody around them, based on meaningless or superficial actions and statements. It actually amazes me that people describe themselves in this way, as if their ability to make sweeping statements about people they’ve just met, somehow gives them an extra-sensory insight into people’s deeper personality traits.

“You realise that sandwich you’re eating is 500 calories”

Thanks for the tip. These are the kind of dicks who are genuinely oblivious to how annoying and pretentious they really are. They criticise the food you eat, the car you drive, the bank you’re with and even the clothes on your back. But they think they’re helping! For some reason, they have it in their heads that everybody looks up to them as a great source of wisdom. But really, everybody just thinks they’re a dick.

“I used to be like that”

This is a phrase most commonly used by people who think they’re empathising with somebody, or establishing common ground, but actually they’re patronising them.

“Oh, so you’re single and not looking for a partner? Yes, I used to be like that, but then [insert self-gratifying story about how they grew and became a better person than you currently are]”

This is one of the most annoying phrases, because it literally insinuates that the person you are speaking to has made more progress in life than you, and consequently, you cannot argue with them because even if you disagree, you will eventually come to agree with them and their superior way of thinking.

“I knew it!”

This is a phrase which is usually right after something is revealed which nobody previously knew. It’s always interesting to see how many people “knew” this information before it was revealed, and yet said absolutely nothing, and did literally nothing to modify their actions beforehand.

“I’m not a scientist or nothing, but I reckon…”

Nobody cares what you ‘reckon’. If you don’t know about something, then shut the fuck up. It always seems to me that the ones who know the least have the biggest mouth.

Now don’t get me wrong, we are all entitled to our opinion. But that doesn’t mean that all of our opinions are equally valuable. They’re just not.

For example, a heart surgeon develops a new method of performing heart surgery, which he believes is safer, less invasive and more efficient. He presents his findings to the medical community and they spark deep, heated conversation. Then I walk in and say “I’m not a heart surgeon or nothing, but I reckon you should use a bread knife instead of scalpel”.

Am I entitled to my opinion? Of course! Does my opinion matter? Not even a little bit.

Why? Because I’m not a heart surgeon, so I have absolutely no authority to make a comment, and nobody has any obligation to take me seriously.

The fact of the matter is that knowledge is paralysing. The more you learn about something, the deeper and more complex you realise that subject is, if you dig far enough, you may even realise that there are very few right and wrong answers to any question, and may find that making a definitive statement on them is impossible and contradictory. So please, don’t embarrass yourself with your ill-informed, arbitrary ‘reckon’, go and research the subject from a variety of sources, and earn your right to an opinion.

“This time, it’s different”

This is one of my favourite phrases of all time, possibly because I hear it so often. Usually, it’s in the context of a relationship, or more accurately, the resumption of a failed one. But it’s okay, because that scumbag who cheated on you a bunch of times has actually turned a new leaf in the last three months, and now things are different. Until they’re not.

I’m not a pessimist, people can change. But it doesn’t happen overnight, in fact, it doesn’t happen after a few years. People make slow, gradual changes throughout life, and these tend to slow down later in life. Overnight epiphanies just don’t happen, and if you really believe that for some reason this is the exception, you’re not just naïve, you’re a dick.

“Don’t tell anyone that I told you this, but…”

Here we go. You’re about to tell me somebody’s deepest, darkest secret in an effort to seem momentarily interesting. And invariably, I’m not the first person you’ve told, and I won’t be the last. In fact, the person who originally told you the secret is, ironically, the only one who doesn’t know that everybody else knows their secret. Ultimately, giving away people’s secrets doesn’t make you interesting, and you aren’t establishing trust with me either. You’re just confirming that you are an untrustworthy dick.

“Now I’m not racist, but…”

This phrase is always inevitably followed by something racist. It’s almost as if this phrase is used to legitimise racism and bigotry by pre-emptively diffusing any counter arguments. It’s almost as if people use this phrase aren’t fully aware what racism actually is, but they do know that it’s bad. This phrase is almost as dickish as the commonly used “I’m not racist, I have a black friend”. As if that gives you some kind of immunity to being called a racist.

What do you think? Am I justified in my abhorrence for such phrases? Or do I need to relax? Are there any phrases that boil your piss? Let me know in the comments below.

JC Axe

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