It's time for the Blackhawks to eat our biscuits

"Put the biscuit in the basket!"

Folks, it's time to leave the Southern breads behind, if just for a while, and focus on hockey.

In this case, we're not talking about catheads or steaming flaky goodness. No, this biscuit is a hard, rubber puck, the object of abject obsession that starts Wednesday night and ends only when a giant silver goblet named the Stanley Cup is buoyed by toothless grins and soaring hearts.

It's the NHL playoffs and our Nashville Predators are poised (slumps notwithstanding) to make the team's first playoff run since 2012. If you're not already a fan, here are some steps to help you get with the program.

First of all, if you can get a ticket, or if some very gracious friend invites you, you have to go. This is not an optional thing.

Hockey might be the single greatest sport to watch in person. Why? Let's be honest, it's too damned hard to see a speeding puck on a television screen.

In person, you can not only follow the biscuit, but when it does go in the basket, a little old man behind the net flips a switch and a light turns red. In hockey, this is a Pavlovian signal to scream and high-five complete strangers three rows behind you. (Note to self: Find out how to get a post-retirement gig as a switch flipper that pays you to watch hockey.)

If that weren't enough, a foghorn blasts so deeply into your soul that your shoelaces come untied. That blast serves as the introductory note for group singing followed closely by mass taunting. No, it's not a Johnny Depp film, it's hockey.

In order to make your experience as full as possible, and to prime you for the grueling run to the championship — there are four best-of-seven series to win the Cup — here's a primer that even a basketball fan can enjoy and understand.

Is it halftime?

No, there is no halftime in hockey. Just to be different, there are three 20-minute periods, and three, being a magic number, is indivisible by two. Oh, the heck with the math. Just don't say it.

What's the five hole?

It's really hard to get a puck past a professional goalie, especially someone like the Predators' 6'5" Pekka Rinne, but there are five numbered "holes" where the puck usually goes. One through four are the high and low areas on each side of the goalie. The five hole, is that tricky triangle between the legs. While you're at it, learn how to pronounce our fabulous goalie's name. It's PECK-ah REEN-eh. You think that's hard, try saying "Minä rakastan sinua," which means "I love you" in his native Finnish language.

Shouting "You're a hoser!" at an opposing player

This one's fun because it is such a Canadian thing to say. Hoser is the term our neighbors to the north use to call someone a loser or an idiot. Its origins go back to the early days of hockey, before Zamboni machines, when the team that lost the game actually had to hose down the ice for a fresh surface.

Filip Forsberg is fun

First of all, don't confuse him with Peter, that other Swedish player with the same last name, though it's an honest and very hopeful mistake (Peter is a Hall of Famer and played briefly for the Preds almost 10 years ago). Our current Forsberg is an exciting young player, and by young, we mean he can't legally take a shot of aquavit until next August. He's had a great season, racked up 63 points (goals and assists), and he's still barely shaving. The best part? We practically stole him from the Washington Capitals.

Section 303

This is the epicenter for taunts, chants and general Predator passion. Up high in the corner, the section known as the Cell Block practically requires a finger prick test and an oath of allegiance to even sit there. Sitting high in the corners is actually a great way to watch the game because you can see the plays develop. That's a nice way of saying, "I'd rather be on the glass where I can be a half-inch away when Jonathan Toews' mug gets hot-pressed in the corner." For the record, Toews is the leading scorer for the Preds' rival and first-round opponent, the Chicago Blackhawks.

The tradition of the hat trick

Sure the moniker came from cricket, but it's a staple term in ice hockey for when a player scores three goals in a game. It's also rare. Only James Neal has done it for the Preds this season. That's why, yes, it's not only OK, but welcomed to throw your hat on the ice when a player scores his third goal.

Mike Fisher lives in a celebrity soap opera

He's the dashing assistant captain of the team. His wife, Carrie Underwood, is a stunner whose beauty is matched only by her voice. Together, they are an unlikely Nashville love story, cooing over their first son born earlier this year. But hockey is a violent game, and music critics can be even rougher. Will they survive the gauntlet of their lives? Will a trade rip them apart, wrenching Mike from his feathered nest? Will Carrie win an eighth Grammy? We can only sit and watch, as the puck drops.

Speed, speed and more speed

I know, you get it, hockey's a fast game. Still, when the playoffs roll around, players somehow find another set of gears. That sense of urgency translates into a much quicker game. It can be dizzying, and because players' legs can only sustain that kind of play for about a minute, you'll see players jumping on and off the bench at an astounding rate. It's a level of conditioning rivaled only by professional eaters and Phish heads.

Get your Fang Fingers ready

We might have the only mascot inspired by a fossilized skull of an extinct species, though there's talk in NHL commissioner Gary Bettman's office about changing the Anaheim Ducks to the Anaheim Australopithecines. Really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? What we do have is a Monty Python-worthy physical taunt called "fang fingers" where we mimic the saber-toothed fangs as a way to humiliate opponents on their way to the penalty box (AKA The Sin Bin).

So there you go. Ready or not, we have a few weeks ahead of turning honky-tonk phrases into hockey talk lore. Go Smashville.

Reach Jim Myers at 615-259-8367 and on Twitter @ReadJimMyers.