"That's very nice, Mr President…" "Call me Don, Scottie. We'll be breaking bread over here real soon." "Oh, I'm looking forward…." "Course you are. Big honour for you. Now I want you to think real clearly. Dinner in the White House with the flowers on the table or a bench at Dunkin' Donuts?" "I'm sorry, Mr President?"

"Up to you, Scottie. Wouldn't want it to turn out a downer for you. That'd be too bad. Gina and the gang, they like the flowers and the silver spoons and stuff, I hear. Would you disappoint 'em?" (The PM places his hand over the receiver and whispers urgently for staff to bring tea and Valium). Prime Minister Scott Morrison and US President Donald Trump at a state dinner in the Rose Garden of the White House. Credit:Alex Ellinghausen "So anyway, Scottie, talking about downers. You got a spy on the payroll over there in London?" "Mr Brandis is a man beyond reproach, Mr President."

"No, not the new guy. You know who I'm talking about. Won't mention his name. People might be listening. Enemies of the people. They're everywhere." (The PM gestures urgently for his communications adviser to turn on the recording equipment). Loading Replay Replay video Play video Play video "What I wanna know is how your guy in London got himself on the Clinton team and set out to screw me bigly. Obama get to him first? Spiked the drinks on my man Papadopoulos? Must have. And then he blabs to the treasonous FBI. What were you guys down there thinking?" "Mr President, I can only say that our former High Commissioner to London did what he did. But he's no longer in that position. He's taken redundancy."

Loading "You're a tricky one, Scottie, for sure. But listen up goodly. You need to track him down and get the toenail pliers warmed up. I wanna know everything about this witch hunt. Worst in the history of the great democracy of the United States of America. Yoo Ess Ay, Yoo Ess Ay! You with me, Scottie?" "Well, Mr President... Donald… we'll do everything in our power to assist, of course…" "Better do more than that. Gotta show you're on my team, Scottie. Think Dunkin' Donuts." "You have my attention, sir."