Dead or Alive has always turned heads with its enormous breasts and over the top-breast physics, something that lovers of complex fighting games like me deeply appreciate. But now this iconic series is under attack from feminist censors who have succeeded in convincing Team Ninja that it’s worth losing a few cup sizes to gain a few more “politically correct points”!

Well I say enough is enough. It’s time to look at some cold hard facts explaining exactly why I won’t be beating off to these bouncing beauties!

1. Unlike you, I have an appreciation for Japanese culture

Racists like you simply don’t understand that having 50% of any given screen taken up by heaving mounds of boob is an important part of Japanese culture. I was raised with a deep respect for other cultures and, unlike you, I support a diversity of representation that will see these Japanese DDDDDD-cups given equal prominence alongside traditional Western DDD-cup women. If you don’t like it, maybe hang up your “ally” hat?

2. This is art, probably

Somebody once said “I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like,” and let me tell you feminists that quite frankly I like seeing massive, bouncing breasts (although not so much that I would beat off to them). While the rest of you uncultured swine only see enormous titties, my dispassionate analytical eye allows me to appreciate the artistic expression Team Ninja are trying to convey. I must not – I will not – allow this art to be censored.

3. We shouldn’t listen to feminists, or at bedroom doors

Dead or Alive has a specific audience, who clearly already love the game and for reasons that, once again, have absolutely nothing to do with beating off. Why mess with a winning formula in order to listen to the complaints of women who will never be satisfied simply because they can never have breasts the size of those in Dead or Alive without “tearing their spine in half” and “going to hospital”? I appreciate the game, and I’d appreciate if you knocked first.

4. I’ve already purchased this box of tissues (because I have a cold)

I hung out with a friend on the weekend (we played Dead or Alive and didn’t beat each other off) and they told me they had a cold, but I said it was okay – and now my nose is running! That’s why I had to head out and stock up on these tissues, because my friend has given me a cold. It’s an unfortunate coincidence that I ordered so many tissues just as Dead or Alive is nearly out, but it’s just another reason why we need to listen to what I am saying.

5. I’m absolutely going to beat off to this game

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