SAN ANTONIO (The Borowitz Report)—Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced yesterday that he would not seek reëlection, telling supporters, “The time has come to pass the mantle of leadership to a new generation of boneheads.”

“I’ve had a good run,” he said. “But after twelve years, someone else who isn’t playing with a full deck should take a turn at the wheel.”

Reflecting on his twelve years as governor, Mr. Perry said that he had “no regrets” except for being incoherent the entire time.

Before leaving office, Gov. Perry said that he would propose three signature bills “just to let future Texans know how Rick Perry marked his territory.”

The first bill would require all voters in the state to have an I.D. with a photo of a white person; the second would force anyone filibustering an anti-abortion bill to ride a mechanical bull; and the third he could not remember.

Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.