After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have even resorted to driving on bike lanes more than they usually would.

“Commuters will be advised to take alternative routes, such as driving thru the Tennesee River or by parachuting from a passing plane,” explained a City of Chattanooga transportation department spokesman. “We hope to have every street reopened in about six months after Riverbend ends, just to keep things a nice pain in the ass.”