Arlington, VA – After seeing the government shutdown as an opportunity to spend some much-needed time seeking out her true self, Kira McCormick returned home delighted to discover that her own self-worth and happiness stemmed almost entirely from receiving her bi-weekly paychecks. After driving cross-country to see America’s beautiful, unattended national parks, McCormick came to realize that the steady income gives her a sense of accomplishment, as well as keeping her from living a destitute life in her car, unable to maintain both her Netflix and Hulu subscriptions.

“It turns out that what I want right now, more than anything, is actually what I’ve had all along: a paycheck, the ability to pay my rent, and eating more than rice and beans for every meal,” mused McCormick at her local Goodwill. “Also, it turns out I like job stability, good credit, and not having to drive cross-country so that repo men can’t find my car.

“Amazing how sometimes the thing you want most in life has to be forcibly taken away to satisfy some politician’s ‘optics’ in order for you to realize just how much it matters.”

McCormick is looking forward to sharing her insightful story with her coworkers, assuming she hasn’t resorted to selling her body on the streets in order to make ends meet.

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