I have been asked times and again if marrying a bong girl is a good idea. Yet Others have declared they are genuinely scared of marrying one given how fiery they are. The implication always has been that the choice of whether or not you should marry a bong girl is yours. It isn’t really. Bong girls don’t make anyone make choices for them and gives as much importance to your opinion as to her pet cat maybe less. So before you ask a bong girl’s hand in marriage, know all the reasons why she will not marry you

She is too hot for you – all that kancha lanka and the sorsher tel. She is hot and fiery and most men pale in comparison You don’t compare to her father – Know the father was one of the rare men who could convince a bong woman to marry him. So he is a dude. And you may not just measure up You think slower than she speaks – A bong girl beats any Chennai express hollow. You will be left fishing for words or thoughts You failed the fish market test – Every bong girl or atleast your bong in laws will make you undergo the fish market test. Stand an hour in a fish market without fainting. Did you survive? No? Side please You have the musical talent of a WWF wrestler – Your musical talent is almost close to zero. You cannot even feign playing a guitar. No you cannot get tied to her strings. You look like a WWF wrestler – beefy and muscular? The bong girl will conclude you have muscles in your head. Hide the muscles if you have to impress her Your hobby is boxing – Told you she isn’t the one who falls for brawns. You do not have a creative hobby. You are better in the boxing ring not with the wedding ring You cannot write poetry in praise of her beautiful eyes – Anything even Vogon poetry can save you. No? Wrong place, man You do not know rui from katla – the twin Bengali fish and they look deliberately similar to get rid of unwanted suitors like you! You disagree with her – remember she always has to win the argument. You disagree with her? You are lucky if you escape only with your wedding hopes dashed You agree with her – remember she doesn’t like wimps. So if you are agreeing with everything she says she will walk over you and then leave disgusted You neither agree, nor disagree with her – She hates ambivalence. So you do not stand a chance You wear mufflers and monkey caps – Tell tale signs of being a mommas boy – she will reject you outright You wear short Tees and transparent shirts – As bad. She would tick you off about your sense of fashion You cannot pleat a tant saree – Take a crash course in folding and pleating a tant saree even before you go anywhere near her You cannot pronounce rasogollas stressing all the o’s – Remember it is rashogolla. Add one or two more h. Speak reverently. Your life depends on it. You do not think luchi, begun bhaja are the best thing to happen after electricity You did not ace atleast one of Literature or Mathematics – What are you? A moron? You do not get excited by ‘A brief history of time’ and say Stephen everytime she says Hawking You do not know your Rabindrasangeet from Nazrulgeeti – If you are mixing up the bards, you are better off dead You say a word out of place about her mother – Remember Bengali moms bring their daughters up to be tigresses like themselves. Anything you say against her mother is are a reflection on her. Beware Your literary skills are limited to the grocer list – Buy a dictionary and start learning new words. You otherwise stand no chance You do not know how to cook – A bong girl will expect you to know how to cook and clean. You think these are things that wives do – well we are with her if she beats you up with the nearest detachable object You have perfect vision – The bong girl will look at you with suspicion – you must have not read enough books to impress her. Try squinting. You have not read the work of atleast one author whose name you cannot pronounce You cannot distinguish between ghotis and bangals You think Mohun Bagan and East Bengal are equally awesome – Man, you have to take a stand! You do not know your varieties of Illish – issh! Go learn pisciculture. You flaunt your big car – She shuns ostentation. But she can get on a bike with you and sing Ei poth Jodi na sesh hoye You cannot stand someone singing down your neck – If you are out on a two wheeler she will always sing. And the same song. Get the ear plugs but don’t stop her. You do not know the answer to ‘ Kamon hobe tumi boloto?’ – Loosely translated this means – What will happen darling. The answer is not giving an answer but say – Tumi bolo. And let this go into an infinite loop You do not know the exact meaning of nyaka – No word in any other language conveys what a nyaka is. I wouldn’t even try explaining it – believe me it will take months of perseverance to know what is nyaka and what is not You do not let her call all your female cousins and girl friends naka You cannot stand sorsher tel and say it is as bad as nariyel tel You think cricket is cooler than football – Yes maybe for the period dada played. Never before. Never after You think a Punjab ki kudi is hotter – remember they are her strict competition. The good natured bong will give you a good lecture about the bong supremacy. The only punjabis she can stand are the sardar taxiwallas who drive the mammoth Ambassador taxis on Kolkata roads. You say a word about dada – Praise or blame – don’t try either You cannot eat ‘fuchkas’(golgappas for the uninitiated) – at 10 a minute You are not ok with tattoos, thick kohl and eccentric glasses- Her sense of style is bizarre. Live with it Your hero isnot Sheldon Cooper – Love Sheldon Cooper, Get under his skin. Watch Big Bang Theory back to front, front to back. Those geeks are her heroes She talks about rockets and you think Diwali – For her rocket is rocket science. She likes Diwali rockets too but that takes a second place You do not have a conspiracy theory view of Tintin – So you think Tintin is a funny comics and not a political satire. I feel sorry for you, you stand no chance You cannot sit through an opera or a dance drama without falling asleep You do not have a sense of humour You do not think huge red bindis are cool – Yes they hide half her forehead but you have to live with it You cannot beat her brother at chess or atleast scrabble – This is the Bengali equivalent of a rajputana duel. Beat her brother at chess. She is all yours. You revolt at being called – Ki mishti chele – You are not in unless all her masis and pishis have pronounced you as mishti You have not made one pilgrimage tour to Shantineiketan – or if she is the sporty type to that one house in Behala where dada lives You cannot do the Dhunichi- the dance with the smouldering pots during Durga without coughing yourself to death She is a witch in disguise- only a wizard will do for her – She is magical, she is fiery and she is unpredictable. Only some men measure up to her. The rare ones. The wizards