Could you be more confident?

Ever get angry with yourself for not being confident enough?

Confidence, more so than hard work or intelligence, is probably the single most important factor that leads to success.

This not-so-unique problem is the underlying motivation behind Dr. Kristen Neff’s study on self-compassion.

A lot of people, most maybe, have voices in their heads that criticize their actions. Wouldn’t you assume these self-defeating elements of the psyche are a flaw, a bug in the program?

Well, not quite, says Neff.

Neff postulates that these self-defeating thoughts are actually a survival mechanism.

Throughout most of history, humans have lived in societies based on the domination of some, and the submission of others.

There’s a lot of benefits to being dominant — the first being access, and frequently control, of resources.

So, if you’re dominant, you have access to resources.

However, if you’re submissive, you have access to those resources to, albeit in significantly smaller quantities.

So there’s also a benefit to being submissive- it’s safer. Challengers to the dominant group can get cut off from resources, including social support.

So, when you’re in a position when you know you’re receiving less and bowing down to someone’s will, how do you justify it?

With self-criticism.

You have to believe that there is something about you, or your judgement, that is somehow worse. Something so fundamental, that it originates from your essence.

Maybe you’re too weak, too strong, too emotional, lacking self-control, uncultured or unlucky.

When I read this, something sounded familiar to me. It reminded me of psychological theories behind racism, sexism and classism.

Members of submissive groups tell themselves these things. They tell it to their children and their peers. So things make sense, and you keep your head down. So you keep getting at least some resources, however meager.

The part of your mind that accepts these ambiguous inadequacies as true is just the part of you that is just trying to help you survive.

If you’re a member of any historically oppressed group (and that’s a majority, not a minority), it means more likely than not, your self-critic will be a tad more vocal.

For Kristen Neff, this was a turning point away from anger and towards compassion. Have compassion for that primordial part of you, that’s actually trying to help, trying to keep you alive.

Not a character flaw, but a defense mechanism.

Defense mechanisms take a while to kick, and a lot of awareness. But anything, once recognizable and systematic, can be overcome — self-criticism, certainly.

And if eradicating self-doubt seems an extremist ploy; what about 50% decrease?

Every percentage point drop in self-critical thinking is point won of concentration, creativity or appreciation. Manageable?

The simple takeaway is self-compassion. Next time you find yourself thinking, “Why am I so self-critical?” replace it with;

“Aha, a critical thought- just a part of my mind trying to keep me alive. Oh, well, let me take a moment to have some compassion for my experience”.

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