ABC

Well, it finally happened. Corinne, presumed college graduate, finally uttered the words “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum” on national television. Here’s the thing: if last night were the first time I had heard those fateful words, I would have lost my mind. I would have fallen off my couch and rolled across my slanted floors that make all my furniture tip over, out the door, down the stoop steps, past the trash piles, past my curmudgeonly super who is constantly trying to clean the sidewalk and off into the chilly New York night. You would never have seen me again, but perhaps on a clear night you would have been able to hear my cackles bouncing off the boulders in Central Park. Alas, the impact of this now-iconic line was severely dulled by the fact that we’ve already heard it a million fucking times. Stop spoiling your own show, ABC! Anyway, Corinne is super not okay in this episode. She is drunk and pouty and can’t stop eating cheese. We’ve all been there, but I am somewhat worried about Corinne. Is she eating anything besides cheese? Why isn’t anyone giving her bagels and Gatorade? She is pushing tipsy one hundred percent of the time. You know how your brain is kind of floating in liquid inside your skull? I think Corinne’s cerebrospinal fluid has been completely replaced with Prosecco at this point. She is a walking, talking vodka-soaked gummy bear. More specifically, she’s a gummy bear who is stressed about not getting a hometown date. As she should be - after all, what kind of cheese-pasta-fueled, nanny-loving, Courtney Stodden-looking, barely-functioning alcoholic who needs to get her roots dyed could ever stand a chance against Rachel? Against Vanessa? Danielle, Kristina? I’d assume that Corinne’s stiffest competition would be Raven, but then Raven shocks us all by being the first of the bunch to score a hometown date, placing Corinne squarely on the chopping block. Corinne’s solution to this problem, natch, is to try to entice Nick with her platinum genitalia. Listen. Have you ever heard an adult person say the sentence “My sex abilities are definitely top-notch?” No! You have not! Why does everything Corinne says make her sound like a robot who learned to speak English by watching The O.C.? Anyway, Nick, who has long since learned his lesson about pre-Fantasy Suite banging, gives Corinne a glass of water and sends her back to bed. Corinne is not happy. The good news (for us, not for her future employability) is that it looks like she’ll be getting a hometown date after all. I cannot wait to meet the people, hired help or otherwise, who have spawned Corinne. I hope Raquel gets plenty of airtime - she’s a star, I just know it!