Full disclosure: there are a lot of weird Christian clickbait ads floating around the web. While I’ve found a few in relatively mainstream places, they tend to show up mainly on the Survivalist/Alternative News/Alternative Health side of the Internet. They’re usually accompanied by anti-Obama conspiracy clickbait, articles about Ancient Aliens and auras, and anti-vax hysteria. It’s a weird, twilit netherworld where the alternative right and alternative left meld into one big, pot-smoking conglomerate–which probably explains the paranoia.

-✞✞✞-

No, I’m pretty sure cancer is the Christian cancer. That’s the thing about diseases—they’re kind of indifferent to religion. People could actually learn a thing or two from them.

-✞✞✞-

Forecast for today: Giant red circles in the Deep South, Northeast, and portions of Nevada and Utah. Massive red arrows in the Gulf of Mexico, Great Lakes region, and California.

Chance of the Second Coming: 100%

-✞✞✞-

That is VERY clearly page 1329. Beginner’s mistake.

-✞✞✞-

But was it acute, right, or obtuse?

-✞✞✞-

Obama’s transformation into an oddly Caucasian firebeast is nigh, and was predicted into the Bible. Citizens are advised to put away anything flammable and wear SPF suncreen 100,000,00o forever.

-✞✞✞-