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Every day, I desperately attempt to make sense of the senseless. I feverishly try to patch and weave together the pieces of history to understand and grapple with the calamities that have bestowed us today. But reality has satirized itself too many times over. By the time we update the list of murdered Palestinians, the list is outdated. Criminal atrocities and genocidal assaults have become so commonplace and typical of the monstrous, egregious, laughable irony etched deeply in the psyche of a state founded in the aftermath of the Holocaust.

What exists today is an almost Kafkaesque reality in which the humanity of the oppressed is posthumously twisted and put on trial over and over and over again. Year after year, they're forced to prove that they are human enough. That they’re alive enough. That their blood and flesh are worth enough, like others. Body count, political leverage and an extensive history of settler brutality exemplify one ugly reality. The media exemplifies another. The Palestinian people live under illegal military occupation and Israel holds the preponderance of military, political and cultural power over the occupied Palestinians. Palestinians have no army, no tanks, no bombers, and no naval ships. And yet, it is the occupied Palestinian people who are constantly asked to guarantee the security and ensure the well-being of their occupiers, while the occupiers are continually held accountable for nothing.

Fact becomes fiction and fiction become fact, and the unjustifiable is justified. Acute agony rips through the bodies of old and young alike, tremors terrorize small, defenseless bodies, and the world accepts it all as deplorable but necessary. Because everything Israel does is reactionary and justified under the normalization of Zionist brutality.

As I sit here watching Israeli forces stop to pose for a selfie before unloading bullets into the bodies of Palestinian youth and severing their lives in incomprehensible ways, I feel so angry, so horrified, so humiliated and burning with indignation, so raw that it’s like a fire raging with decimated hopes. I’m desperately trying to figure out how to be alive in a moment when the indifference of the world to the suffering of my people has never been more unapologetic. I don’t live under Israel’s draconian punishment system and illegal occupation, but I find myself wondering how those in Palestine have suppressed a rage so strong it threatens to tear their being to shreds. I’m crying out the ocean lodged in my throat, but I can’t seem to scream loud enough for the anonymous screams that are silenced by the fetters of bloodcurdling atrocities.

And I’m tired.

I’m so tired of having to explain why my people deserve to live. Why the beaten, exhausted victims of Israel’s cruelty and brutality have every right to rise up and fight for their dignity. I’m so tired of having to explain why young boys who look like my younger brother and young women who look my younger sister shouldn’t be hunted down like game and subsequently put on trial for their own murders. For fighting for the fundamental rights so many of us casually take for granted every day. I’m so tired of seeing Palestinian elders, who lived through the 1948 Catastrophe (al-Nakba), have to see Zionism manifest itself in the most horrific ways against the Palestinian youth they have tirelessly fought for. My heart constricts at the reality that they will leave this Earth without seeing true liberation and justice for the Palestinian people come to fruition. I’m so tired of seeing bodies shrouded in white, stored in mercilessly public morgues and placed into the ground. I’m so tired of having to see orphans abandoned and mothers bereft. I’m tired, so very tired of people reduced to nothing more than collateral damage and state-sanctioned carnage – easily interchangeable, easily removable, easily destroyed for daring to resist state-sanctioned terror and every apparatus of a colonial regime.

I’m tired of this heart-wrenching feeling of knowing that every time there’s a Mohammed Abu Khdeir, a Ali Dawabsha, a Fadi Aloun, there will be swarms of bigoted Zionist demagogues ready with a premeditated laundry list of justifications why their existences were not even worthy enough to be mourned and that their murderers deserve for their lives to be protected and continue unscathed. Because incinerating and asphyxiating children and robbing them of life are no crimes to them. There will always be mobs of Zionist zealots and supporters who will exert effort and energy if it guarantees demeaning and destroying the lives of Palestinians.

Don't miss reading the second part: "Israel dropped 800 tons of bombs on Gaza, the world didn’t blink an eye"