

Abigail.T.Mawrie. Shillong,India.

“ The Monster Within”.

Did you believe in monsters when you were a child? Have you ever asked your parents to check under the bed or the closet? It’s normal to be afraid, especially if you were a child but I know even adults feel scared sometimes.

Their monster is different from the imaginary ones that we feared as children. If a house is haunted, a person would either move out or have it blessed. But what if it’s not the house that is haunted by a monster? What if the monster that you fear is living inside your head?NO…,I’m not talking about a “demonic possession”. I am talking about the abusive monster that echoes negative thoughts in your mind. The monster that turns you against yourself. That rips your self esteem into shreds.

This monster rented my mind once, well it was actually for five years but hey… who keeps the counts. Right?? I don’t know how it started and why it started but I know for sure that it was five years of chaotic hell. I was tortured by this monster, emotionally and mentally. It was such an awful time, it got so bad that it effected my physical well being. It was a battle between me and this monster and I know I won’t let him win.

I felt so beaten, broken and lonely. The loneliness was the worst part. Feeling lonely when you are actually alone is one thing, but feeling lonely when you are with your friends and family : well I have to tell you, it is by far the worst feeling that I have ever felt during the short 20 years of my life. For a time being, the monster crippled me and as hard as I have to confess this…. He crushed my pride. It was only thing left in me but that too was contaminated by the negativities of the monster. I wanted it to end. Honestly speaking, I was ready to give up and to lay myself six feet beneath the earth. Some how, during the darkest moments of my life, reason touched me. It gave me some clarity. I love God, my family and friends. I cannot go out this way. I cannot let myself spiral down to selfishness. I’m going to fight one last fight. I will forgive myself for the physical harm that I inflicted on my body. I will pick myself up and face this monster. At that point, I realized that it’s time for me to take control of my mind and emotions. You must be wondering, from where did this hope and strength come from? Although quitting and surrendering to this monster seems so pleasing and temptation seems to seep into my heart so easily; But I knew I had to stand strong. I cannot let God down. He was the only one who understood. I have to admit, somedays I question him and his existence but I realized latter on, that he fought for me. That tiny silver lining that I clung on to was him all along. He gave me strength and courage to go through what I had to go through. God helped me a lot. He even sent angels to help me pass this horror like phase of my life.

This monster invaded my mind and life to a point where I could not remember the feelings of happiness. At that point of time, I did not know what happiness is. Feeling hollow and melancholic seems so normal to me. The very tiny crumb of peace in my mind scared me. I was not use to it and this would make me sink lower and lower into the dark abyss that I created for myself. It was definitely a difficult time for me. I was shackled to this monster. He filled my mind with un-necessary guilt, anger, self hatred, low esteem, paranoia and self doubt. I could not escape him, not even in my dreams. I hated the fact that he made me fear sleeping and waking up. Well, in all honesty, it came from God’s grace. He gave me courage to face this monster and dance the final dance.

Today, I feel better. Yes, somedays are still tough but that’s alright. I am here now, I am alive and breathing. I survived the torment of the monster who has caused the demised of so many. I fought long enough to finally see the light and joy of living again.

As strange as this may sound. I am grateful towards the monster. He though me to be more considerate and value the important things in life. In a way, the monster made me wiser and stronger. Infact, the monster brought me closer to God. This whole experience humbled me.

In the end, I shook hands with the monster and we parted our own ways. Finally I can breathe easy….., Helloo life….