Last week’s episode was more lit than a Menorah on day eight, ya heard. Between Geles and Taylor getting in a fight that killed my own brain cells and Kareem throwing inanimate objects at the girl he supposedly loves, the whole episode was the best holiday gift that anyone could have given me. Thanks MTV!

So anyways, we found out that Keith and Alivia are not a match, which thrilled the two potential murderers loose cannons of the house, Alexis and Kareem. Let’s pick off where that massive shit storm left off. *pours wine*

Post Truth-Bomb Dumpster Fire

In a not shocking turn of events, Kareem is losing his fucking mind over this Truth Booth being a no-match. While I’m silently dialing 911, DD is loving this psycho shit Kareem is letting lose. Nothing makes her hornier than questioning her own safety.

DD When Malcolm Calls Her A Slut: How dare he? I don’t like guys that disrespect me!!!

DD When Kareem Flips A Table In Her Direction:

After being denied by the Truth Booth, Keith is like, “Maybe I do have feelings for Alexis?” which is code for, “Alexis is literally the only way I’m getting laid at this point.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Keith runs after Alexis, as she continues to make oddly specific threats about how she wants to mutilate his body.

Alexis is screaming, “I didn’t kiss anyone when we were together!!!!” and he’s like, “Well, we’re in the house, so we’re not technicallllllly together.” Ah, gotta love those technicalities. Alexis storms off, and the audience collectively takes a breath because Keith may live to see another day.

DD, Jada, and Nurys are all shit talking Malcolm in the most diverse remake of John Tucker Must Die. I’m digging this vibe rn. Anyways, Nurys tells DD that she and Malcolm had sex like, the day before BananaGate.

Finally these two dummies have figured out what was already confirmed to viewers when we saw his ex (yikes): Malcolm ain’t shit.

Meanwhile, Geles is talking to Audrey about how she is “so in love with Anthony” and how she would “give up a million dollars for him.” It’s honestly so good of MTV to let people who are borderline braindead on this show.

Geles has finally realized that Anthony wants nothing to do with her or her eyelashes, and now she sets her sights on someone equally as mediocre—Johnny Bravo. She decides to tell Audrey—ya know, his in-house girlfriend—about this romantic connection she and JB have.

Audrey plays it off like all is well and that she doesn’t want to hang Geles by her extensions. She’s like, “I love that you’re being real with me,” and there is literally no part of Geles that is real, so you can cut the bullshit.

DD and Nurys corner Malcolm in a weird deleted scene from The Other Woman. They are all talking and getting in each others’ faces, and you know somewhere in the distance, Keith is yelling, “Threesome!”

DD calls Malcolm out for having sex with Nurys, and Malcolm’s like, “I had sex with Nurys? I must have forgotten! See here’s the thing, I fall a lot, and my dick was out, so like….it could have happened.” Geles and Malcolm should be a couple, so they can have the combined IQ of a grapefruit.

DD calls Malcolm out for being a fucking liar, and Malcolm is like, “ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO DOUBLE TEAM ME RIGHT NOW?!” and Keith is like, “YESSSS.”

Malcolm is getting super pissed that he’s getting called out for things he actually did and starts calling the girls bitches. Malcolm, wanna intern for the Roy Moore campaign? I feel like it’s a good fit for you.

Other Stuff

The girls decide to interview team likable—who I have begrudgingly added Shad to, ugh—and they’re like, “We need to stop being so superficial.” YA FUCKIN’ THINK?! And okay, superficial? I would climb Tyler like a fucking tree.

Joe starts talking about being in a cult and it’s like, damn, are the Scientologists gonna be okay with this? When did my remote switch to the Leah Remini show?

Uche is into him now because they both grew up as weird Jesus freaks. Nothing brings two people together faster than the understanding that organized religion is a sham 99% of the time. Mazel tov!

They start talking and realize they kind of actually have a connection (weird). Uche is like, “Yeah, Clinton and I spend every night together, but it’s the DAYS that are important.” Oh, is that how dating works? Mmm okay, I’ll just go ahead and let my boyfriend know that.

Kareem and Nurys are talking about how they are both angry AF and have no control over their behavior even though Kareem looks old enough to be my father.

Kareem says he’s going to pursue a different match after Alivia wasn’t receptive to his abuse love. Thankfully for him, there are plenty of other girls with low self-esteem and anger issues in the house for him to choose from. Ya know what they say about plenty of fish…

Geles and Johnny Bravo are having the world’s lamest conversation, only barely beating any conversation Uche and Clinton have.

JB admits that he’s into Geles but won’t sleep with her because “he’s with Audrey.” How noble of him. Don’t call him a hero.

They acknowledge that they have a physical connection, and of course, JB runs and tells Audrey about this discovery. She gets upset and JB’s like, “What did I do?” If only the steroids he clearly abuses worked on his brain.

Audrey is like, “I’m pretty mad,” but the thing is that totally rhymes with “I should date Shad.” What? Who said that?

JB goes into recovery mode and immediately tells Audrey everything she’s ever wanted to hear ever.

Audrey: Am I prettier than her?

JB: Yes

A: Am I funnier than her?

JB: Yes

A: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?

JB: 3 Months

A: And your boyfriend’s name is?

JB: Chuck.

They make up in the Boom Boom Room, and JB is like, “Girls think I have a small penis, but I swear I don’t.”

The man-child doth protest too much.

Everyone is kind of mingling and getting to know each other, and Shad has to go and ruin everything by opening his fucking mouth. I love to hate Shad, mostly because I think in real life he’d probably be my best friend. Truth hurts.

Shad’s like, “I need a pretty girl next to me at the match ceremony,” and sets his sights on Zoe. Zoe looks like she wants to die round two, because we saw round one when she was with Keith. Shad leans in for the kiss, and Zoe compares kissing Shad to kissing her mailman, which is immediately wrong because we all know Shad doesn’t deliver in the bedroom.

Not going to lie, it really annoys me how bitchy Zoe gets toward Shad after that. Like damn bitch, you’re sitting lakeside, on a reality show, next to a glorified frat boy named SHAD. Did you think you guys were just gonna go outside and chat?

Ugh, I hate that I like Shad; it’s so bad for my reputation.

Match Ceremony

Kareem is up first because he threatened to murder anyone who tried to go before him.

Kareem says that he saw a side of himself he doesn’t like, and its like, is there a single likable side to you?

Kareem picks Nurys, and DD’s like, “Wow. Lol, again Nurys and I are going after the same shitty guy!” There is truly no hope for these girls.

Anthony’s up next and basically says he doesn’t give a fuck about what Geles thinks. Thankfully for him, Geles doesn’t think too often.

Geles starts yelling at Anthony, and Audrey chimes in and is like, “Well, you are kind of shady.” Normally I would tell Audrey to stay in her lane, but if her lane cuts off Geles it’s chill.

Now Geles and Audrey are yelling at each other. All the dudes are like, “Why are you this way,” except Kareem, who has the weirdest boner from all this conflict rn.

After all this bullshit, Anthony picks Keyana. Of course, Keyana still misses Johnny Bravo because she’s a little babyback bitch.

Speaking of bitch, JB is up next! Terrence J is like, “The girls are fighting over you,” and the girls are like, “No we aren’t!” *eye rolls*

JB and his micro-penis admit they are afraid of the girls, which is probably why he’ll come out as gay in a few months. You heard it here first.

JB picks Audrey.

The Shad is up next. He picks Alivia because “she went to a good school and so did I.” See, I’m telling you that we would be friends IRL. Ugh.

Keith picks Jada because they are homies. I love both of them, so I’m HERE FOR IT.

Dimitri picks DD because “she can put him in his place,” which she could, if his place was the hospital.

Joe picks Uche.

Nicole picks Tyler. Finally pulling her head out of her ass and accepting that he’s hot.

Ethan picks Zoe.

Geles picks Clinton.

Malcolm picks Alexis.

Alexis is openly like, “I shouldn’t be so in love with Keith,” and it’s like, yeah, probs not. Alexis is a stage five clinger for sure.

Malcolm says that he deserved being called out by the girls (duh) and apologized for calling DD a dick rider. He said he’s “working on himself” which seemed genuine, but I’m also a bottle of wine in, so who knows.

Damn, I hate when everyone is okay and I have no one to dislike. Oh wait, Geles exists! Okay we’re fine. I feel good about this match-up, honestly, and it turns out they get five beams! Still failing, but not as much as before, which was also my motto in calculus class.

After The Match Up

Ethan is pumped and decides to skinny dip. Ethan, sweetie, I love you, but put your fuckin’ clothes on.

Everyone gets naked except Shad, who sits and watches while comparing getting five beams on AYTO to putting man on the moon. What good school did he go to? University of Phoenix?

Tyler and Nicole are flirting, and she’s like, “I love shitty guys,” and Tyler is like, “Can’t relate.” These two are a beam, I’m putting this into writing now.

Keith walks by Alexis, and she’s like, “I fucking hate him,” and IN THE BEST EDIT IN MTV HISTORY EVER, it immediately goes to her in the confessional crying and shaking about how much she loves Keith. I’m not proud of how hard I laughed at work, while watching this on my phone under my desk during office hours.

Alexis is holding her stuffed animal and drunkenly crying, and Keith is like, “You’re immature,” and she’s like “FUCK YOU, HOW DARE YOU.” She tells Keith she loves him and starts crying and screaming. Keith is like, “Can someone restrain her please?” Alexis swears she isn’t drunk, but if I was her, I would have blamed that shit on the alcohol so fast.

Keith is like, “I shouldn’t love her, but I can’t get away,” which sums up my relationship with Adderall, so I get it.

The Game

The game this week is about trust, and they make everyone go through an obstacle course. The guys are blindfolded and have to carry the girl piggyback across this whole thing.

Geles is like, “I’m walking towards JB, but he is walking towards his girlfriend, which is a bummer.” Geles has lived her whole life blindfolded by her eyelashes, so this challenge should prove extra challenging to her team. She pairs up with Clinton.

Alexis is with Shad and is freaking out at him. She’s like “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING INTO THE WALL, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE BLINDFOLDED!!!!!”

Ethan and his dad bod, which he proudly displayed the night before, are struggling to hold Jada up. Jada’s like two seconds away from putting Ethan on her back and winning this fuckin thing.

Somehow JB and Audrey win, and Alivia and Joe come in second.

Terrence J, being the good chaperone he is, decides to let the kids have a little party and tells them they are doing a Mardi Gras boat party. All the castmates are pumped, but no one is more excited than me—party episodes are ALWAYS a mess.

Me Next Week: