Coco Khan, Stuart Heritage and Morwenna Ferrier dive into 2017 as part of our comedy look at the year • Read more from the satire special

How is Meghan Markle settling in to the UK? Morwenna Ferrier has a snoop

Dear Diary



Moving into Harry’s cottage next week. Can’t wait. It’s too cute! Need to get a juicer asap.

I love it here. Everyone is so friendly! People back home kept on telling me that the royals are racist but I asked Har and he said Philip adores his trips to the colonies. Really, really love it here.

So turns out the house used to be Kate and Wills’. And theirs is bigger. WTF. Still need to get a juicer.

Wow I used to love the Daily Mail but they are SUPER mean! It’s like they have a whole team of people dedicated to digging through my past!

So it turns out the Daily Mail have a whole team of people dedicated to digging through my past! Har said we could totally sue them if they keep publishing old pics.

Love my man!

Totally bonding with Kate. She’s, like, always pregnant, which is a bit worrying!? But super fun. I met Pippa, too. Seems kind of moody. Pretty though! In the States we’ve only ever seen her from behind.

Quit Suits but I’m totally going to quit Twitter, too. Everyone is being so mean about my divorce. Harry says divorcees are hot and that I’m like Wallis Simpson in WE. I love that film! She had the cutest hats. Hope I get to meet Madonna soon.

So yeah they already deleted my Twitter for me. Apparently I’m too “outspoken” about Hillary and Trump and Brexit. My lady in waiting has taken the wifi code until I agree to “stay neutral”. Shit here’s like The Circle.

Met Harry’s grammy today! She’s super sweet and short, but keeps calling me Miss Merkel by mistake. Like, I get it, she’s old and stuff but like I told Mom, I’m not the German here. They also told me not to call her Grammy. We’ll see :) Really hope I get to meet Madonna.

Filmed my last episode of Suits today. Squeal! Can’t wait to be a wifey.

I’m so bored.

Today I decided to familiarise myself with British culture, because we’ll be travelling around a lot (um that wasn’t in the brochure, Harry!), so I’m watching King Ralph, Grand Designs and something called Currie, which is a show about a street. I also downloaded Monarch Of The Glen, which looked cute, but Harry thinks that it’ll be kind of pointless soon.

Should really go to sleep but I’m 368 pictures deep into Cressida’s Instagram and I can’t stop. God she’s pretty. Stupid name though. Harry said he’s going to roast a chicken, but think I’m going to go vegan. Need to tell Har. Brits are so weird. I miss Suits.

Notes on a scandal (or how to teach an old dog new tricks): Coco Khan takes a peek at the Weinstein Company’s upcoming diversity day

Dear all,



2017 has been the Weinstein Company’s most difficult year, and has resulted in company-wide soul-searching – especially for us, in HR. The world will be looking at TWC for years to come, and it’s crucial that we uphold the highest standards in terms of dignity for our employees, and ensuring diversity across the company. We have a lot to do.

With this in mind, please find the agenda of TWC’s diversity day. Attendance is compulsory for all current employees. Please also extend the invitation to any previous employees, any new starters, and any known associates.

Please also accept this agenda as my formal resignation. I know that after this diversity day, some of our execs may find it hard to process the new rules of engagement. There will be pain, sadness, even anger. And I cannot be doing with that. If I wanted to spend my life working with fully grown men whose feelings are hurt because they can’t be as big of an asshole any more, I would be working in the Trump administration.

Yours sincerely,

Pissed-off HR lady

AGENDA

Coffee and pastries

You’re going to need your strength.

Opening remarks (pending)

Harvey Weinstein has requested to open our diversity day with remarks sent via Skype. We are currently considering the practicalities of this since IT’s network update included a bullshit firewall.

Your place or mine? How not to arrange a meeting

While the stressful demands of the film executive industry (extremely high pay, royalty-levels of glamour, copious amounts of champagne) mean it may be more convenient (for you, of course) to arrange a meeting at a private residence or hotel room, we would advise all our execs to keep meetings in professional locations. This is so all our actors feel safe and secure during their audition of “topless-for-no-reason woman who has one line, then dies”.

Impulse control with a special guest!

In a world where touching knees, and comments about human women having actual breasts, seem totally irresistible, how can we expect the industry to change so quickly? In this session you will marvel at how quickly an old dog can learn new tricks, with our special guest Lassie – an old dog who will, quite literally, learn new tricks before your very eyes.

One isn’t enough: how to cast people of colour

Effective and progressive casting of people of colour is not simply about fleeting glimpses of brown faces on screen. We need also to consider characterisation and screen time, and be mindful of propping up negative stereotypes. In this session we will be hearing from various campaigners who specialise in media representation of marginalised groups. We will also visit a local pub and run script lines by a mumbling drunk man to check the racist factor. Remember: if he laughs, cut the line.

“But what you might not know about Woody Allen’s work is...”

This session tackles mansplaining, a phenomenon in which men explain ideas and concepts to women they already know, or maybe even created themselves. This very short session asks men one question: does she actually know this? Answer: she probably does. That’s why we hired her.

Home time

No, of course we’re not doing drinks.

***

The generals’ farewell to Robert Mugabe (cc-ed to Stuart Heritage)

19 Nov 2017

From: The Office of Robert Mugabe

To: bcc all

Subject: Some news

Hi all,

Sorry for the mass email, but a development has occurred. As many of you will have heard, after a rightsizing of our core competencies across the board, our president of 37 years (non-consecutive) Robert Mugabe has decided to retire from his post. Having created some of this country’s most beloved laws, like the violent overthrow of white-run farms, capping the rate of hyperinflation at a rate of 79.6 billion per cent and the ability to run for an unlimited number of terms, he will now spend more time with his wife, who has coincidentally also made the decision to step down as quasi vice-president.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Robert Mugabe. Photograph: Juan Barreto/AFP/Getty Images

As we’re sure you’ll be aware, we’re really going to miss having Robert around, so we’re planning to see him off with a bit of a do. A card is currently going around the place, so if you could all sign it (Susan – don’t steal the pen this time!), plus there’ll be a Colin the Caterpillar cake on the photocopier for everyone to enjoy later this afternoon. We’re also looking for some funny party songs about the revolution and/or widespread voter fraud – if anyone has any, please drop them into the Google Doc attached.

There won’t be any speeches (if you know Robert, you’ll know how much he loves to warble on!) and the party will finish at 3pm sharp, so as not to contravene the terms of Robert’s house arrest.

Thanks guys,

The assorted generals of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces

***

David Attenborough narrates Priti Patel’s hasty return from Nairobi (as overheard by Stuart Heritage)

Nairobi. A major migratory hub for many species of bird. And now, the most spectacular migration of them all. The KQ100 Kenya Airways Boeing 787-8 Dreamliner, taking flight from Jomo Kenyatta International to Heathrow. Onboard, cowed and ashamed, is secretary of state for international development Priti Patel.

Until now, Patel has enjoyed a charmed life. Member of parliament for Witham. Minister of state for employment. And yet she is undone. Caught by a most ferocious predator: an undeclared lobbying trip to Israel sneaked in to a family holiday. Now, summoned back to her natural territory by her pack’s dominant female, she faces an uncertain future.

Some 22,000 internet users are tracking the trajectory of the plane on Flightradar24, as they speculate on Patel’s fate. She has no idea of this, of course. There is no onboard wifi and passengers are banned from using mobile devices. This is a hostile, unforgiving environment.

As she crosses the Sudan-Egypt border, Patel opts to watch Baby Driver. But disaster strikes. Kevin Spacey. She forgot he was in it, and now she feels queasy. Shutting down the movie, Patel calls for a gin and tonic and spends the rest of the flight staring at her knees.

It has been a difficult journey, but the hardest part is yet to come. An ambush by a BBC helicopter, following her journey through Osterley to Downing Street. The whole world is watching her crawl to her doom. Quietly, Patel resolves that she should just go to Majorca for her next holiday, like everyone else does.

***

George Osborne becomes London’s paper boy. Exclusive by Stuart Heritage

Hi Evgeny, it’s Osborne here.

I’ve been thinking. You know how I recommended Matthew d’Ancona to you for the post of Evening Standard editor? Well, listen, I think I should get the job instead.

Now, bear with me. I know I don’t have any experience in the newspaper industry, and I’m still a serving MP, plus I’ve got about three dozen other jobs that could realistically be deemed a conflict of interest, and you only have to put my name into Twitter’s GIF search to see that I struggle with tasks as basic as talking to children. However, I am definitely the man for the job.

Photograph: Hulton Deutsch/Corbis via Getty Images

As a rich, white, privately educated man, I already have plenty in common with 90% of journalists. But in many ways, I’m also just a regular Londoner. I’m a Remainer. I hold down several jobs (speaking and advisory) just to stay afloat. Under my leadership this common touch would be reflected in the paper’s outlook. I’d refocus Property to feature only sub-£15m bargains. I’d hire the most working class person I know – Credit Suisse vice-chairman the Hon Edward Sebastian Grigg – to write a lifehack column. We’d run relatable listicles about inheritance tax loopholes and Zone 1 superbasement contractors.

Plus, if you think I’m stabbing Matthew in the back here, just wait till you see what I do to my own party when you put me in charge of a newspaper.

See you in the office, George

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