Full disclosure, blogging has never really been my thing and I’m not that fantastic of a writer. But for a while now I’ve felt called to pursue a certain path, and in order to do so I have to make myself the most vulnerable to the public I’ve ever been. As some of my closest friends and family know, I consider myself to be gay. It’s only through the love and acceptance that I’ve received from my fraternity and friends, and the unconditional grace of God, that I can write about this incredible aspect of who I am. After a conversation I had this summer with one of my friends on the topic of homosexuality, I realized that I can’t respect myself without coming out. I can’t fully respect someone who has the ability to relate to and alleviate the pain of others but refuses to do so out of fear of discrimination. I can’t respect myself if I keep God’s provision from the public because I’m afraid of what others might think. I want God to be at the forefront of my life, and I believe my coming out is huge step that he wants to use for his purposes.

Now, before the more conservative Christians squirm in their seats, and the more liberal Christians start clapping their hands, I want to make clear what “being gay” means to me. For me it means being sexually attracted to men. Not only that, but also possessing a longing for a fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship with another man. The complexity behind someone being “hah, gaaaaay” is so much more than a carnal hunger that I feel many individuals today, especially Christians, make it out to be. It’s about longing for a relationship with someone of the same sex that offers love, support, and mutually exclusive intimacy.

I know what you’re thinking (and to be honest it’s something I’m questioning as well), “What does that mean for you, Jason? Are you going to go pick up the next hot hunk of man you come across? Are you going to swear yourself to celibacy or try a relationship with a woman?” The answer is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t know where God is calling me, and I believe that that’s okay. There are so many different interpretations of scripture, so many different emphases, contextual disagreements, and arguments that I don’t believe you can check the sinful/not sinful box with full confidence on the topic of homosexuality. I don’t have a clear conception of what to believe, of understanding scripture or what context to view it in. Do I wish there was a clear cut answer or “God’s view of Homosexuality for Dummies?” Of course I do, but God doesn’t operate that way. God operates in a way that revolves around complete reliance on him. I believe that when I am right with God, when I am living in a way that best reflects the love of Christ and feel satisfied in simply being with him, then I can worry about who I should or should not be with. I believe that at that point, God will make his will clear to me, whether it’s a relationship with a man, no one at all, or a woman who’s willing to put forth the extra effort to make a relationship work.

So why did I decide to come out over the internet? Though it may give the impression, it’s not a publicity stunt. Rather, it is for God’s glory that God’s son may be glorified through me. This isn’t about me joining the gay community, this is about me trying my best to further and unite Christ’s community. The way that we segregate the gays from the straights is a huge reason so many “gay Christians” choose to leave the faith. Once we start categorizing people as gay, lesbian, bi, transsexual, or queer Christians, once we start putting them into their own groups and grow antsy at their involvement in the church, is the same time we stop viewing them as brothers and sisters in Christ. What ties each individual together is our ability to have a personal relationship with an almighty God, which is inherent in all of us, gay or straight. If you’re someone who views homosexuality as a sin, remember Christ surrounded himself with sinners. Not only did he hold events at sinners homes, sit at their tables, and die for them, but he also continues to use them today. He is the best example we have to follow to show his love to one another, sinners and all, and recognize that it is the Holy Spirit who convicts. For the most part, you don’t need to tell a gay couple that how they’re living, in your well-intended interpretation, is wrong. The world knows! They know that the majority of Christians believe it is wrong and many of them hate Christians for constantly bringing it up. Many individuals leave the faith because they have that nagging voice in their ear telling them that what they feel is an abomination. It’s a real thing that I’ve experienced and can say firsthand that it does nothing to help, but only hurts the spiritual development of a person. In my opinion, those opposed to homosexuality have made their point clear, and it is now up to the Lord for conviction if indeed that is the case.

Overall, my point is this: The focus of Christ’s ministry was not to condemn, but to save. Jesus didn’t come to earth for the purpose of having long theological discussions with the Pharisees. Rather, Christ focused on his ministry of salvation, of turning the hearts and eyes of people to rest on him and his Father. I believe that that is our first and foremost calling, to love and bring glory to God. To emphasize unity and unconditional love and grace to everyone, regardless of their beliefs or life choices, and trust in the Lord to work in their hearts. This is something that is impressed on my heart, and I see my coming out as a way of making myself more easily accessible for God to use and to show his love.

Dealing with homosexuality has caused me the most grief, depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, and tears than everything else in my life combined. I only made it through by the grace of God and the help of therapists and a great youth pastor. But what am I supposed to do with that? “Gee thanks God, you got me through all that hard stuff, now I’ll just try to live my life like everyone else.” No! God made me and each and every one of us different, with a specific plan and unique set of challenges. All our suffering is for the purpose of someone else’s salvation and the glory of God. So I can’t let my experiences and God’s provision go unacknowledged. Life is still hard for me, I will still battle bouts of depression while coming to terms with what God has planned for my life. However, the encouraging part is that the amount of hurt that will continue in my life will be shadowed in comparison to the amount of my life that God will be in control of. He has a plan. He has provided and promises to continue to do so. God is and will always be bigger and stronger than whatever I encounter.

To again address why I’m deciding to come out like this: God gave me these experiences to let others out there know that they are not alone. That it’s okay to be scared. But most of all that God loves you more than any man loves his wife or any wife loves her husband. I wish that someone before me had taken bold steps to make their uncertainty known to the world. I wish that I had had someone to talk to who understands what I am going through. Someone who understands what it’s like to have a crush on your straight friends. Who understands the dreadful loneliness that daunts the thought of a life without a significant other. Who understands that pit-in-your-stomach fear of all your friends getting married and having children and forgetting all about you. Who understands the confusion, shares the fear, shares the harassment, who’s experienced the love, who’s questioned their existence, and wondered if they have a place in the kingdom of God. I hate the thought of another kid like me crying himself to sleep each night because he feels so alone. I am here to talk, to love, to pray, and to answer. I don’t have it all figured out, not by a long shot. However, the reassuring part is that no one on earth has it all figured out either. Romans 11:34 speaks to how little we know of what God has planned or why things are happening the way they are. It’s all about trusting God through that lack of knowledge, and that is what brings peace and spiritual maturity. I’m not a holy man, I’m not all together pious, and I know for a fact that I don’t have everything together, but right now I’m trying my best not to be selfish. I’m willing to share my experiences, to spend my nights praying, and to cry with whoever out there needs it. Gay or straight, we’re all a part of God’s creation and family, and our calling is one of love, one that seeks to share God’s glory no matter how uncomfortable or raw it makes us feel.

So here’s the deal. If you have questions, ask me. If you want to talk things out, don’t be afraid to contact me. Communicate with me in whatever way makes you comfortable. My email is zingaroja1@gcc.edu, message me on Facebook, or just strike up a conversation.

Thanks for reading.