BRITAIN is to be detached from the Earth’s crust and moved away from Europe.

Using state-of-the-art fracking techniques, Britain will become the world’s first nation-boat, propelled by a giant outboard motor currently being assembled in Portsmouth.

A government spokesman said: “Britain will be free to position itself wherever it pleases on the globe – in the North Pacific, closer to our future overlords the Chinese, or across the Atlantic closer to the USA if that’s still the country to suck up to.

“We can just follow the money. We’ll give the other home countries a choice – Scotland can just be this irrelevant, decapitated head in the middle of an empty ocean and if it wishes, Wales can be a stump lording it over the Isle Of Man.

“The new, free-floating Britain will also prove more elusive to immigrants. If they want to come here, they’re going to have to chase after us for months.

“We’ll slow down, let them think they’re catching up, as we round the Cape Of Good Hope, then just when they think they have, we’ll speed up again.”