Hey, Chloe(13) and Max(13).

Come and sit down; I want to talk to you. Friendship, love and sex. Part 1(3)



Let us take a break and talk about… friendship, love and… sex. I hope that someone already have had this conversation with you, but usually no one dares. As girls, you at least know the basics about… reproduction, menstrual cycles and such. In addition, maybe being told NOT to think about sex, not so helpful… You still have a couple of years until you can have legal sex (int.course); what "legal age" is differs around the world. However, about 20 % of 15-year-old girls in Europe have had sex (Macedonia 2,7% - England 39,9%), in US about 15 %. It is worth noting that for 20-years-old women in US, still 15% have NOT had sex.



There is no subject, like love and sex, so hidden in lies and exaggerations. The reason is that it is so complicated, even for adults. Maybe easier being young, easy to neglect the consequences. It is about time to have this discussion with you, at least not too early.



-- So, is this something that you feel comfortable talking about? Actually, I do the talking and you can answer questions if you like.



Let us start with friendship. We humans are, to varying degree, social creatures. However, even in this, we are very different; our genes decide how social we want/need to be. Some are happy to have a family and a few superficial relationships (more introvert); others seem to have an endless need for deep connections with many others (more extrovert). There is no “normal”, you can choose your own way of living. It is even possible to have a long lasting relation combining these two extremes (introvert, extrovert); it can be balancing for both, though it requires mutual understanding.



Why do we sometimes loose a close friend? Throughout our lives, we develop as human beings, often in times when the external conditions changes: we start school, we change school, we move, we start to work, change jobs, enter a romantic relation, get children, etc. These events usually does not occur at the same time for both in a relation, you and your friend develops in different pace. Over time, your focus and main interests may differ so much that your mutual understanding might get lost. It does not necessarily have to result in a broken friendship, but it changes it… you have to redefine the roles you had earlier. If you have a relation built on fixed roles; say, you being the brave and outgoing and your friend a follower; then a change will require you both to be prepared to change these roles, perhaps only one of you is ready for that. Sometimes you can reconnect later on, other times it best to let go; you have grown apart.



To make it even more difficult, a friendship does not have to be positive, to either of you; you just carry on with it anyway. Perhaps afraid of being alone, or that it in your mind, is a good relation. - At least I know what I have, but not what I can get/loose. The relation may hinder you from meeting others and forming new relations.

How do you know when to develop, an ongoing relation, and when to just drop it? You do not want to leave a relation that has possibilities, but not being stuck either. Communication is the answer; talk to each other, what do we want? In addition, talk to other friends/family, about what they see. However, realize that they not always know what is best for you, only sometimes. Finally, think for yourself. It can be tough to be left or leave someone, but sometimes you need it to be able to develop your personality. The whole life is actually a lot about balancing, your need’s against other’s.



-- Chloe and Max, are you “best friends”?

-- How does it feel to be with your best friend, not being with her/him?

-- Does your relation give you strength, knowing that your friend is there for you? Alternatively, does it make you more vulnerable, due to anxiety about being left alone?

-- Is it “love” you feel for your friend?



Love - is a chemical reaction in your brain, triggered by a variety of stimuli; recognition/identification, sense of security, the desire to take care of, similarities or differences, physical attraction, even things like smell… However, most of it subconscious reactions. These reactions are there to make us more social; dare to get close to another person, which potentially could be dangerous to us. Not always physical dangerous, moreover by getting us to let our defenses down, being more vulnerable.



You say that you love your parents (if you do), and love your friends, and then there are “romantic” love. What is the difference? I would say that we could differentiate the friendship/love/sexual attraction-complex into two separate feelings: the desire to be close to another person and the physical/sexual attraction. The latter controlled by hormones and even more hidden from our conscious self.



The downside with love is that you can get you addicted to it, as with any drug affecting the brain. It can leave you with terrible withdrawal symptoms. In books and films, the subject is often unhappy love; loving somebody that does not love you, unable to express your love, and other obstacles. You can even “imagine” yourself being in love with someone. be sure not to mistakenly take that as real love; you always have to scrutinize your own feelings. Some can be so hooked on the “love drug” that they, like a bee flies from one flower to the next, constantly searching for the next trip.



-- Would you say that it is correct to describe love as a deeper feeling of friendship? … Although love can hit you with its whole power in just minutes, without any previous friendship.

Love is strange!



I think that friendship is the foundation in any long lasting relationship or marriage. Sometimes deepened into love; and in some cases complemented with a sexual attraction. In addition, this applies to both friendship and romantic relationships; there are no fundamental differences between those relations. You can feel physically attracted to a friend, regardless of gender. The most important thing in every relations is to be true, to yourself, your feelings, and the other person. You can never lie or pretend to be something that you are not, and you always have to accept the other person for what he/she is. The thing that often ruins a relationship is trying to hide, who you are. OR trying to change the other person, noone can be forced to change, changing commes from within.



-- Do you think that this was too theoretical? Should we continue with, sex?



Do you play any instrument, or sing? Have you ever had a feeling that in your head, you know exactly how you would like it to sound, but being disappointed by the result? The reason is often that you have to practice a lot to create wonderful music, even on the simplest instrument. Moreover, everybody have to start from the beginning, no one can skip the basic training. The amount of practice is crucial for the result.



Is this about sex? Think of your own body as an instrument; it has been around, unnoticed, since you were born. One day it might attract your attention and you start to learn how it works. It takes time and a lot of practice to get it to “sing”, the way you like I to; but the more you practice the better you can handle it. This of course make you interested in other people’s “instruments”; do they function the same way? The answer is NO. Everyone has his or her own version, which demand different playing. Because of that you can newer expect anyone else to be an expert on your body.



So having sex by yourself is like training on your own instrument; and sex with other is playing together… However, to be able to play beautiful music together, you both have to, know your own instrument and agree on the music. You playing Bach and your partner more into punk, may work, but rarely. Also listen carefully to how and what the other is playing; then, and only then, can nothing be wrong. Therefore, by careful whom you choose to play with.



Chloe, I can see that you understand what I am talking about; but perhaps a break until tomorrow would be nice.



Max, how is it? Is it too much/to intimate for you, or just embarrassing?

As I said before, how interested we are in this subject differs. Some think about sex, already as very young; others have very little interest in it at all, it is all “normal”. The society of today sadly, forces sex on everyone, even if you are not interested. If you do not want to take part of this discussion, just do not. However, if you do, feel free to ask about anything. Think of it until tomorrow.



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If you, as a reader would like to respond, do it sharing you own thoughts or experiences. Alternatively, respond as Chloe(13) or Max(13).

