Inspired by ShakespeareHemingway's Garfield series.

It was a sunny but windy day on the planet of Ahch-to where are two main heroes, Rey and her master Luke Skywalker are finishing up their daily lightsaber training. “Well done my apprentice,” Luke says with content, “you are now ready to face against Supreme Leader Snoke and his evil Knights of Ren.”

“Thank you master.” Rey says with a smirk.

“However, there is another apprentice I must introduce you to.”

“Another apprentice? Who might that be?” replies Rey with confusion.

“He has been on the search for something that has been a desire to him for decades. Some say even thousands of years.” Says Luke filled with wisdom coming from his voice.

As soon as Luke finished his sentence, a figure flies out from the bottom depths of the ocean, covering the sun in their prime athletic physique. The mysterious figure falls onto the ground right where the two heroes stand in front of their view. This mysterious person removes the hood from their head, revealing that it is none other than the orange cat, Garfield.

“Hello there” Says Garfield oozing with manliness and overwhelming confidence.

“This is my secret my apprentice, Garfield. I have been training him ever since yesterday and now he has become the ultimate force user of the galaxy” said Luke with slight quiver in his voice.

“I was just finishing my daily continental swimming, Luke.” responds Garfield with masculine robustness.

“Oh, Garfield you are so resilient” says Luke with excitement towards his secret apprentice.

“He doesn’t seem that tough.” Rey says as she begins to grow jealousy towards her new jedi rival. She tries to not stare at Garfield’s beautiful, strong, masculine body that every woman desires to share Garfield’s jeans with in bed.

“Better watch what you say wide eyes, or should I say, Rey Kenobi.” Garfield eloquently says.

“How did you know that Garfield?!” irritated Rey.

“Garfield is a master force user. Therefore, he can look through anybody’s pasts by simply staring at them.” Instructs Luke to Rey as if she was still a young padawan. “I have good news for you Garfield on your search for the last lasagna.” Said Luke as he tries to keep the elation from his voice.

“Spill the beans Skywalker.” Commands the confident feline that is Garfield.

“The location to the last lasagna is hidden in Snoke’s super-secret fortress on the Mah-Rhree Suu system by Tatooine. This mission will be difficult for you, Garfield.” Luke said as he briefs Garfield on his ominous mission.

“But master, I’m ready to take on Snoke and Kylo all by myself.” Whines Rey.

“I’m sorry Rey, but Garfield is the ultimate manliest force ever to be seen in the entire universe. He is the only one who can find the last lasagna and is undoubtedly the ONLY jedi that can single handedly take on everyone and still win the odds.”

“I don’t need two lumps to do what six abs can do.” Says Garfield as he removes his grey robes, exposing his impeccably strong muscles that reflect the sunlight and reveals his six-pack abs.

Luke faints in disbelief of Garfield’s manly beauty whilst Rey isn’t amused from Garfield’s fantastic looks.

“Later, Compressor girl. I’m off to do the universe a favor” Triumphantly says Garfield as he opens his right paw. A starship uncloaks from behind him as he does a backflip into the cockpit and immediately heads straight into hyperspace because Garfield is a quick mathematical genius when it comes to hyperspace calculations.



Garfield’s ship suddenly stops in mid jump as he arrives on Snoke’s Landing pad at his hidden fortress. Snoke’s private shuttle falls from the landing pad as Garfield’s luxurious ship pushes it into a bottomless ravine. Garfield jumps out from his ship as he confidently walks toward Snoke’s temple doors which is guarded by his personal bodyguards, the Knights of Ren. “Garfield!” whines out the weak yet arrogant Kylo Ren. “What are you doing here at my master’s hidden fortress?!”

“I’m here for the last lasagna. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the Garfield way.” Warned Garfield to the Knights.

Kylo Ren laughs at him with evil “Oh Garfield, you cannot stop the most powerful fighters in the galaxy. The Knights of Ren.” Gloated the arrogant sith.

“Your voice reminds me of small children dying” Garfield cleverly says.

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” Screams Kylo Ren in anger as he and his evil colleagues attack the rugged feline stud.

Garfield excepted the attack at this moment, “Oh Good little Ben, how about a game of kick the can.” He proceeds to follow a force kick on one of the knights, ending their fate into the bottomless ravine. Garfield instantly pulls out his legendary Lasagnasaber. The saber glows with a bright red outline and an inner red-orange blade to remind his purpose for searching the last lasagna. Garfield twirls around the knights in sheer perfect choreography, cutting and slicing through his enemies with a breeze as he doesn’t break a single sweat on them.

Kylo Ren watches the destruction and screeches in despair as he runs back to the temple doors.“I’m not done with you, grease ball” Said Garfield with intimidating manliness. Garfield uses his master force powers to drag the whimpering sith lord with his burly force powers.

“Oh please Garfield, please do not kill me. I can see why my grandfather admired you in his youth.” Said Kylo Ren with emasculated masculinity.

“Enough, grandpa’s boy. Time for you to meet his resting place.” Said Garfield as he unleashes a fury of the ultimate force user’s special force lighting upon the foolish child.

“NO FAIR. JEDI CANNOT USE FORCE LIGHTNING ON SITH LORDS SUCH AS MYSELF.” Screamed Kylo Ren with miraculous pain.

“I can do whatever I want because I am a grey jedi.” Garfield said enlightening with force lightning.

“NOOOOOOOOOO.” Yelped the burnt raisin that was once Kylo Ren.

Garfield looks at the fried corpse and takes a one big gulp, swallowing his body whole.

“I like crying raisins.” Said Garfield with joyful belchings. “This is not enough, for I still hunger for the last lasagna.” Commented Garfield with hungry determination.



Garfield uses a force belch to penetrate through the locked doors of Snoke’s temple as he enters through the hollow corridor. From where Garfield is standing in all his grace, he stares at the threatening figure that is Snoke. “Garfield!” said Snoke with calm arrogance. “I thought I left you for dead during the Yuuzahn Vong Invasion?”

“They were all a midnight snack to my fists.” Garfield proclaims as he crackles his fists glaring at Snoke. “And now it’s time for the main course.”

“You believe you could destroy the Sith, Garfield?” Said Snoke with disbelief.

“Yes. And I want my Lasagna. So, hand it over Mace Windu.” Garfield said with demand.

“How do dare you use my real name! Now you must die!” Said Snoke Windu with anger as he pulls out his lightsaber and leaps toward Garfield.

“Bon appetit.” Says Garfield with over glaring confidence as he punches a hole straight through the wannabe sith lord’s face.

“I can’t believe you have defeated me. But I do not have the last lasagna.” Said the punctured Snoke who is now dead.

“You fool, I thought you had the last lasagna.” Roared Garfield in an enraged sultry of manliness. Garfield slams a fist into a nearby column, creating a domino effect of epic destruction. The entire temple falls into ruination with Garfield inside.

As the last bit of rubble settles, Rey lands the Millennium Falcon and approaches that was once Snoke’s super-secret temple.Rey stares in awe as she can only see the aftermath of the temple. “What incredible weapon could cause this amount of destruction?” Says Rey with curiosity.

“Me.” Says Garfield with suaveness as he uses the master force to push all the rubble into the ravine. Garfield then dusts off his broad shoulder as he walks over to Rey.

“Garfield, you are still alive.” Said Rey with irritation.

“You know it, butter buns.” Replied Garfield with smoothness like greased seal.

“Even though you have committed an incredibly impressive feat and if I were any other woman I would absolutely fall in love with you right now. But because you have stolen my destiny, I must challenge you to a duel.” Rey said to Garfield.

“I have no time for these games, little girl.” Laughed Garfield with masculine hardiness.

“What makes you think you could defeat me?” Garfield questions Rey.

“I am short sighted and foolhardy. And I am reckless enough for the audience to like me. Surely, my power through the fan base will defeat you” gloated Rey.

“Even though you are right, I cannot deny a challenge. Very well lame Kenobi, we shall fight.” Garfield pulls out his Lasagnasaber with a beautiful flex of his muscles with enough pressure to crush a Star Destroyer in half. Rey stumbles back from the sheer radiance that Garfield emanates. “What’s the matter Rey? Miss your parents?” Garfield says with cleverness.

“You will pay for disrupting an independent woman’s destiny, Garfield!” Rey lashes out in anger as she swings every strike onto Garfield. Garfield deflects the blows with reflexes like puma on speed.

“Not even close, cream cake.” Garfield says with daringness.

Rey cries out at Garfield as she attacks him with greater dexterity. The two clash lightsabers so fast that the human eye could not follow from the sheer intensity of the duel. The only colors are visible are streaking arches of sue blue and lasagna red. As the fight continues, Rey becomes strong and stronger making it difficult for Garfield to defend himself. The fight suddenly stops for a moment as Rey overpowers her blue lightsaber against Garfield’s. “It’s over Garfield. You’re in my system. And as long I am the protagonist, I can only become stronger!” Rey says with triumph.

Rey then pushes Garfield onto the ground as she raises her lightsaber in the air to give the final blow.

“FOR JEHDAAAAAA!” It was Jon Arbuckle pouncing from the bottomless ravine, and smashes between the two clamoring plot behemoths, separating them.

“Thank you Jon, my trusted ally and close friend.” Garfield reluctantly says to Jon.

“No time for jokes, Garfield. I am only here for one thing, and that is to give you a morale boost.”

“What do you mean, Jon?” Garfield says with slight confusion.

Rey strikes down her lightsaber slicing Jon in half like a steaming, hot, gooey pizza.

“OH NO! YOU BITCH!” Garfield says with sadness like soldier from war, “I was supposed to eventually kill him.” Garfield’s pupils suddenly turn from black dots to lasagna as he activates a new ability just discovered called the Eyes of the Lasagna. An emotion so powerful that no sith could ever reach upon. Not even Palpatine. Garfield leaps back into action with twirls of belching echoing anger. His Lasagnasaber clashes against Rey’s ten times faster than the first part of the duel with each other. Garfield continuously leaps over Rey with every strike as he confuses her with dashing blows and looks.

“How can this be?! How are you able to overpower me physically and sexually so easily?!” Rey yells out in despair.

“Fool, the death of Jon has relinquished your right as a protagonist. You have now become the villain.” Garfield says with nonchalant exposition.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” screams Rey with discontent.

As Garfield prepares his final blow, Rey instantly blocks his attack having the lightsabers pressed against each other once more. Rey slides her saber into Garfield’s right paw, but due to the master force of Garfield’s attack it ends up cleaving her head off like sweet vengeance. Garfield pants in exhaustion with his muscles pulsating from the longest lightsaber battle he’s ever had in his life. For once Garfield breaks loads of sweat from his body like Otie drooling for food. Rey’s head rolls off to the side as her body stands there, spraying out blood in the air and landing it on Garfield’s supple lips. He slowly tastes his lips to celebrate his victory.

“This taste...it’s so...familiar.” Garfield says with mystery.

He lets out a finger letting Rey’s blood land on him more; becoming drenched in it. He suckles his finger to get a better taste of her blood.

“Lasagna sauce...”

He stares at Rey’s corpse that is now laying on the ground. He looks into the hole of her throat as Garfield becomes for the first time in his life, unsettled. Garfield gazes at the insides of the beautiful woman as there are no entrails, but only lasagna. Everything inside of her is all lasagna. Garfield drops to his knees. “How could I have not seen this before? Even as a Master Force User, I could not see she was the last lasagna?”

Garfield sheds a single manly tear.

“I know what I must do,” Garfield gets on his paw from kneeling. He unhinges his jaw into a wide maw and places it over the recently deceased Rey. With a large vacuum, Garfield sucks Rey into his now satisfied gullet. He stands up and looks to the sky as his tear rolls off his face and lands on the ground below producing a small orange flower to grow and bloom. Garfield ponders about his future. “As long as there is no lasagna” Garfield readies a wide stance as he stomps the dusty floor, crushing the flower beneath his soft foot, “there is no Garfield”. Garfield immediately releases the most ultimate belch in all of existence, causing the planet Mah-Rhee Suu to turn into chunks of rubble from Garfield’s blast. The aftershock causes a galaxy wide sonic boom reaching to the far ends of the universe. Hoth, Yavin, Coruscant, and even Jakku wasn’t safe from the devastating blast. Everything was annihilated out of existence, leaving nothing but the cold, unforgiving void of space. The only remaining substance is Garfield floating through the emptiness of space. He closes his eyes to rest and wait.

For without lasagna, there is no Garfield...