ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Scientists from Australia’s peak scientific body, the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation (CSIRO), have discovered a link this afternoon between winning tennis matches and being a humble polite young man who is good to those who’ve given so much to see them succeed.

It’s unclear what prompted the CSIRO to release the findings of this study today, with many in the tennis community saying it might have something to do with the most talented, yet most petulant tennis players in the country getting booted out of the Australian Open.

The pair, who are allegedly Nic Kyrios of Canberra and Bernard Tomic of Choketown in New South Wales’ Monaro region, have yet to comment on the CSIRO’s finding and some say the never will.

However, lead researcher Martin Pongrass explained to The Advocate via telephone this afternoon that the paper’s contents reflected well on young tennis star Alex de Minaur, who had to dig deep last night to win his match against a Swiss man with good hair.

“Another thing we found is that talking shit about Lleyton Hewitt is a great way to get the public offside,” he said.

“He’s actually won things and done good,”

“Back in his day, sure, there were people who thought Lleyton was a bit of a poon with all that ‘c’mon’ shit and everything. But we’d just had Pat Rafter go through who’s as loud and outspoken as John Eales at a funeral, so you can expect that.”

More to come.