KNOSSOS, CRETE—Expressing dissatisfaction with the repetitive and predictable nature of his fated role, bull-headed humanoid The Minotaur ruminated on the possibility of doing more with his life than caving in the skulls of the heroes and sacrifices who wander into his mazelike lair, labyrinth sources confirmed Saturday. “It’s all well and good to serve as an archetype for the hazards of having no direction in life, or perhaps of the random nature of existence, but it’s not exactly like I get to see the world, do I?” said the razor-horned, ring-nosed brute, who noted that he had not spent a day outside of his work-from-home environment in 3,000 years. “I mean, the eagles who eat Prometheus’ liver every day may not have a starring role, but they work for, what, an hour? And then the rest of the day is theirs. I may as well be Sisyphus in here—a half-cow Sisyphus who eats people. I’ve fallen into the classic Greek tragicomic pattern—just because I was born into this job, I let myself become as much a prisoner here as the people whose brainpans I cleave like rotten fruit day in and day out.” The Minotaur admitted that he has no concrete plans for post-labyrinth employment, saying only that he wished to work among people he was not required to eat, and that he had recently become interested in coding.

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