ALL UK policy decisions are to be based on anecdotal evidence, the government has announced.

Ministers believe actual research is a waste of money when policies can be inspired by something that happened to you, your uncle, or someone you met in the pub.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Apparently there’s a man in Chester who’s signing on but gets a new 52” TV and a massive slap-up curry delivered to his house every day. Yes, every day.”

The new policies will include a price increase on fizzy alcoholic drinks, because the bubbles make you more pissed, and a total ban on sitting too close to the TV, which it is hoped will prevent people needing glasses.

Meanwhile, the government will step up its anti-pornography campaign after one Mumsnet user revealed her son had stumbled across images of large-breasted milfs after typing ‘GCSE revision guides’ into Google.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “My boss’s auntie was in hospital recently and one of the doctors was clearly smoking a spliff.

“Or he might have had a pen in his mouth, but it’s best to be on the safe side and close the hospital down.”