The last time a group of underachievers with an increasingly shoddy commitment to defence stayed at a “luxury resort” in Watford, it was the England football team. On Tuesday, the leaders of the Nato nations arrived to celebrate the alliance’s 70th birthday. Seventy, coincidentally, is about the average age of the leaders.

Conversation at the mini-summit included how to mess up the Syria situation further, while conversation later at Buckingham Palace, behind Trump’s back, was about how awful he is. Now, I’m no fan of Trump, but watching Justin Trudeau instigating this gossip session leaves you with the impression he is definitely the guy who screengrabs your comments in the WhatsApp group and shadily shares them with others.

Here’s a look at what else went down. Apologies in advance.

Emmanuel Macron. Photograph: Pool/Reuters

Here we have Emmanuel Macron, taking us back to our school days when we all passed notes to friends sat behind us in class. In Macron’s case, they would have been about how fit the teacher was. Incidentally, can we all agree that the most annoying thing teachers did was say: “Well, why didn’t you go at break?” As if that wasn’t 45 minutes ago and you didn’t need the loo then.

Justin Trudeau. Photograph: Henry Nicholls/Reuters

For a second, you look at this photograph and think: Trudeau! Canada’s prime minister! He who seems to regulate his breathing by playing with his cufflinks and almost certainly clicks his fingers and winks at himself in the mirror each morning. But then you look again and realise; well, it might be Justin Trudeau, but if so, it’s a rare occasion that he’s not wearing black or brownface. A practice he regrets occurring during his naive youth, at the age of [checks notes] … almost 30 years of age.

Donald and Melania Trump outside No 10. Photograph: Alastair Grant/POOL/AFP via Getty Images

This is a vision of the only thing that could possibly be worse than what we have currently in the UK. And for that, at least, we thank God

Boris Johnson. Photograph: Matt Dunham/AP

In all seriousness, can someone please buy Boris Johnson a hairbrush? He doesn’t look like he has been dragged through a hedge backwards; he looks like the hedge. Remember when Wella tried to make the Messed Up look a thing (the actual product name), thinking it gave off vibes of the morning after a night of amazing sex? In fact it looked like someone who had been strapped to the electric chair, the switch flipped and only then had been granted a reprieve. The gel of the moment is named Ultra Strong Mess Constructor, which is precisely what Johnson is.

Melania Trump as Ukip. Photograph: Wiktor Szymanowicz/Barcroft Media

People are mocking this outfit, but I admire the colour combination. Although it has been pointed out that Melania is essentially dressed as Ukip, I think she resembles the rosy maple moth. And I’m at least 80% sure this was intended.

never thought i’d have to admit to having a “favourite moth” (shut up) but it falls upon me to say that Melania is cosplaying as the rosy maple pic.twitter.com/nn9kFwqs79 — Hannah Jane Parkinson (@ladyhaja) December 3, 2019

Did I tell a lie?

Macron, Trump and Melania auditioning for Watchmen. Photograph: James Veysey/Rex/Shutterstock

From the back, the look switched to Dementor-but-into-Klaxons. The 00s nu-ravers who favoured neon; not the devices to signal danger. Though, having said that, Melania would surely be a fan of those, too. #FreeMelania. In the background of this pic, we have her husband apparently struggling to button up his coat, and Macron emulating the strutting Leonardo DiCaprio meme.

Melania as an Edward Gorey character. Photograph: Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

Here Melania pays tribute to her favourite author and illustrator, the late, great Edward Gorey, by dressing up as one of his most famous characters. One of Gorey’s well-loved stories is The Doubtful Guest, which tells the tale of a creature that rocks up, stays for 17 years and “shows no intention of going away”. Basically: Putin.

Trumbrella. Photograph: Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images

I feel like this is what you see before you die. And if you do, you know that you are certainly not going to heaven, or at least purgatory. Because you are already – and I cannot stress this enough – in hell. Look at the mouth. It’s like a drawstring bag made of slugs.

Melania, Donald, Charles and Camilla. Photograph: Nicholas Kamm/Pool/AFP via Getty Images

This is a group of contestants on The X Factor. None of them have made it through to the individual categories, but they have been put together as a group. They’re not happy about it, but the dream of possibly nailing a Christmas No 1 before hitting No 27 in the charts with their follow-up single is too big a draw.

Nap-o summit. Photograph: Frank Augstein/AP

I have no idea who the gentleman on the left is, but what I can say is: he is all of us.

Nato leaders. Photograph: Pool New/Reuters

It’s truly stunning that the classic misogynist slur is that women need to keep their legs shut, when men are seemingly physically incapable of this act. Whether it’s straddling a bus seat or taking up all available space under a dining table, it’s a constant. It should also not go unnoticed that the majority of the people in this photograph are white men, and pretty much the only one I’m appreciating is Miloš Zeman, president of the Czech Republic. To wit:

Miloš Zeman. Photograph: Pool New/Reuters

The Queen with world leaders. Photograph: Yui Mok/AP

Total respect for the Queen here for donning the one-size-fits-all black gloves you wear on a cold night of football practice. I have no idea why every woman in the picture is wearing purple, but I respect it also.

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. Photograph: Leon Neal/Getty Images

You look at this picture, see a politician in the pitch black, wearing a suit and naturally assume it is Matt Hancock. Then you see it is in fact the Turkish autocrat and abuser of human rights Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, and breathe a sigh of relief.

Angela Merkel. Photograph: Chris J Ratcliffe/Getty Images

There is no picture of Angela Merkel that doesn’t look like she is striding away from the pack of people at least 18 grades of intelligence below her, heading straight to her hotel room, locking her door, switching her phone to airplane mode and curling up with a biography of Richard Feynman. Until next time.