Let’s talk about self esteem. I’ve always (well for the last 10 minutes at least) thought that confidence is like an excited puppy. You’re constantly chasing that puppy because you want to pet the crap out of it but he’s always jumping out of your hands. “GET BACK HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE ASSHOLE!” And then, when you finally catch that fluffy little flea bag you stroke like there’s no tomorrow. You pet that puppy so good, you think “Oh he’s never gonna leave now. I am a master of heavy petting.” But inevitably that tiny douche bag jumps away. And the chase begins anew.

I’ve had an ongoing battle with my self esteem. Sometimes I am so fucking confident I swear I hear the Bee Gees when I walk. “Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man. No time to talk” *Dances around office* This can also be substituted with Hammertime. BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS. But other times, I have the confidence of a newborn giraffe who just realized his knees are knobbly and he can’t walk because of his stupid fucking long ass legs. I think the turning point for me was recognizing my own self worth. I was in a shitty relationship for five years, and it really kicked my confidence right in the nards. So when I separated from my baby daddy, all of the sudden I remembered all of these things I liked about myself.

You are a fantastic, sexy, intelligent, unique, butterfly-rock star and anyone that has the privilege of being around you is a lucky bitch.

Being alone has always been best for me. I take a look in the mirror and it seems clearer and more accurate. I don’t let other people shadow me. When I’m single, I realize I’m dope as hell. Because I’m forced to spend time with myself. I am my own validation. I DON’T NEED NO MAN, I’M AN INDEPENDENT BAD ASS SEXY EAGLE WHO HAPPENS TO BE FUNNY AS HELL. I’m trying to overcome my proclivity for codependency in relationships. I think I’m doing a good job so far. But your partner definitely has a lot to do with this. I’ve realized I need someone who doesn’t want my co-dependence. They don’t need me for validation. I’ve always liked confident men, but confidence and disdainful arrogance are two very different things. Again, confidence not cockiness.

You need to know what you bring to the table. You have to know what your strengths are. Being confident has nothing to do with being flawless. It depends entirely on you and your self knowledge. You have to know that you’re a bad ass bitch (Or dude, whatever. Dudes can be bitches too. Consider yourself lucky). Recognize your dope attributes. Maybe you’re super friendly and easy to get along with. Maybe you’re a good listener. Maybe you’re good at memorizing Russian military officials. Maybe you can lick your own clit. These are all cool things about yourself that you need to own. Take a look at yourself and KNOW that you have things to offer and you are worth other people’s time and effort. Be aware of your flaws as well. If you know about them, they can’t sneak up and bite you in the B Hole later.

I’ve discovered there are some things I’m really bad at. Intimacy is a big one. I fucking haaaaate talking about my feelings to whatever relationship type person I’m with. I would rather poke my eye out with a fresh set of acrylic nails. I’d rather get a bowl cut. I’d rather go to a Justin Beiber concert and be forced to sit in the front row. NEVER MIND I TAKE THAT LAST ONE BACK. *shivers and retches* I’m also way too proud. I hate to be wrong. And even worse, I hate other people knowing I was wrong. I don’t care what the context is, I just need to be right. I’m trying to not let it bother me so much. I think part of growth is recognizing the things you suck at and sometimes consciously trying to fight against it instead of just letting yourself be a shit head. Because I hate to be wrong, I fucking LOATHE apologizing. When the words come out, they just feel wrong. But I know that I need to stop being a spoiled cunt and admit when I’m wrong. Ugggghhh. But I’m also awesome sometimes. I recognize my strengths. *toots horn* I’d tell you about them but I’d probably just come off as a self obsessed twat-face (more than I already do) and then you’d just become wildly jealous of me and I really don’t have time to get Swimfan‘d right now.

I’ll tell you what, I’m going to give you my mantra. I’ve passed this along to a few different people and I think it worked for them. I know it worked for me. I discovered this when I was still with my ex. I was trying to remind myself of who I used to be before I become this weak, hybrid, domesticated version of myself. So I’d think of all the things I was good at (hula hooping, oral sex, speed reading etc.) and then I’d tell myself the following phrase: YOU ARE AWESOME AND THEY’RE LUCKY. Let me elucidate. You are a fantastic, sexy, intelligent, unique, butterfly-rock star and anyone that has the privilege of being around you is a lucky bitch. If they walk away from you, you need to KNOW IN YOUR BONES that they are obviously stupid for not wanting to be around you and we don’t have time for stupid people. This mantra inspired me with the confidence to approach people out in the world. Whether my motives were friendly or sexual, I knew that whoever I was going to talk to was either going to like me or not. But at the end of the day I knew that whatever happened, I was still fly as hell. And that got me laaaaaaiiid. People love confidence. When you see someone comfortable in their own skin, you want to be around that. And consequently, people want what other people want. So if you’re trying to get some or get friends or what the fuck ever, just be that wonderful little minxy flower spunk and people will flock.

Welp. I was kinda all of the map here but let me tell you a little secret, I DON’T PLAN THESE POSTS. I just get these thoughts fluttering around my brain space and then I vomit them all over the interwebz. I read it through once for grammatical errors and then I send it out into the void. There is something really cathartic about putting this stuff out there. It’s been more fun than I thought it would be. It’s been a pleasant surprise. A happy accident. I also enjoy reading my posts later and being like, “GOD DAMN YOU A FUNNY ASS BEEZIE AND DID I MENTION YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE TOO?!” But then I’m like, “Calm down, jabroni. Its just a blog.”

Kisses to all of you in the webzone. Check ya laaaaater.