BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening. “Oh God, listen to this: ‘The company’s mission of optimizing multi-platform engagement through strategic and creative brand-centric marketing solutions really resonates with me’—boy, this poor guy really did some research,” said senior account executive Melanie Bittle while shaking her head in pity for the job candidate, whose proclaimed admiration for the firm’s 2014 Med Ad News Agency Of The Year award made his application significantly more depressing than any of the vaguely worded and nondescript ones that were submitted for the entry-level copywriter position. “Look, he references three separate campaigns we’ve worked on, and here he even mentions our vice president by name. Jesus, this is so much more pathetic than all the regular copy-and-pasted cover letters we got, half of which weren’t even addressed correctly.” At press time, Percepta staffers were reportedly struggling to read through an absolutely heartbreaking follow-up email sent by the applicant stating that he was “still very much interested in the position” and “really looking forward to hearing back soon.”

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