An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk

Oh, hello there! Yes, I could use some help. As you can see, I am extremely pregnant. I drove all the way here to visit your pregnant-lady clothing store because normal-people clothes just don’t seem to fit anymore. It was rush hour in very warm weather, and I had to stop at two gas stations to pee. But I’m here now, thank goodness.

There’s just one thing I want to know: Do you happen to have any clothes with horizontal stripes? You do? Everything comes in horizontal stripes, and there are absolutely no other options? Well, this must be my lucky day! You may have noticed that my waist circumference is quite substantial, and I cannot think of any pattern that would be more perfectly suited for my Weeble-shaped body than horizontal stripes. I have recently become concerned that strangers might not immediately realize that I am the world’s largest pregnant person, and I am convinced the best way of drawing attention to my size would be wearing a multitude of brightly colored circles around my belly. Do any of your stripes also happen to have tape-measure markings on them? No? OK, what about a cute pair of sandals that double as scales and display your current weight? Hmm, that’s too bad. Well, feel free to pass the idea on to your corporate office. Talk about a moneymaker.

Before you return to the register, could I ask you about fabric? Since the start of my pregnancy, sweating has become my number one thing to do. I sweat when I wake up, I sweat when I take a shower, I sweat when I ride the elevator to my office. The nice thing about sweating is you can do it just about anywhere. It’s my favorite hobby. Naturally, it’s important that my new wardrobe accommodate maximum sweating. What’s that you say? You only stock synthetic fabrics derived from melted down tires and old VCRs? Huzzah! Mark my words — the people on the www.ilovesweating.com message boards will be sooooo jealous when I post about this.

Just one more question, if you have the time: I’m very concerned that the clothes in your store might not be designed with the needs of a pregnant person in mind. Ideally, I’d like to buy something made with seven times more fabric than it would take to cover a sofa. Just to be safe, it should puddle around my feet like a Christmas tree skirt, in case the baby is born suddenly while I am at work and I need to conceal him from my coworkers. I am fairly certain we’re not supposed to bring babies to work. Do you have anything like that? You do? Everything you sell is like that? My goodness, this is a fabulous store. And I’m thrilled to see that 95 percent of the items in your store are held up with spaghetti straps! This is serendipitous, because I was looking for a way to show off the hefty grandma bras I’ve been wearing recently.

That reminds me, I see you have an entire wall devoted to nursing bras — and I also see that none of them offer any kind of support whatsoever. Why, these “sleeping bras” appear to just be little T-shirt hats for boobs! How fabulous. Approximately 200 percent of my weight gain this pregnancy has been in my chest region, so I’m sure these will be perfect. My original plan was to simply draw a bra on my body with a Sharpie marker and call it a day, but these options will save time — time I could spend sweating — and will be just as effective. This store is truly magical. It’s like Disneyland, but with a higher spandex ratio.

Now, there’s just the small matter of payment. I expect to wear these clothes for no more than six months and then never again, so I hope they cost about the same as a used Dodge Charger. What’s that you say? They cost even more? It’s official; I may never leave this place. Thank you so much, helpful sales associate. I think you’ve answered all my questions.

Do you have a restroom I can use?