Dwayne The Rock Johnson welcomed his third daughter into the world today. Having read his Instagram post about the birth, Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s number one fan Emily Writes is now recovering in hospital after an ovary explosion. From her death bed, and with the assistance of her group-chat sisters Becka, Tamsyn, Gem and Vanessa, she writes about why Dwayne The Rock Johnson would make an ideal doula.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson announced today that he now has a third daughter.

“Blessed and proud to bring another strong girl into this world. Tiana Gia Johnson came into this world like a force of nature and Mama Lauren Hashian labored and delivered like a true rockstar.

“I was raised and surrounded by strong, loving women all my life, but after participating in baby Tia’s delivery, it’s hard to express the new level of love, respect and admiration I have for Lauren and all mamas and women out there.

“Word to the wise gentlemen, it’s critical to be by your lady’s head when she’s delivering, being as supportive as you can.. holding hands, holding legs, whatever you can do. But, if you really want to understand the single most powerful and primal moment life will ever offer – watch your child being born. Its a life changer and the respect and admiration you have for a woman, will forever be boundless.”

Pick yourself off the floor. He did that. He’s the perfect man. Everywhere shit husbands and boyfriends who say stuff like “watching birth is like seeing your favourite pub get burnt down” are melting into a puddle of their own inadequacy. I was sent Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s post around 60 million times this morning from every mother in the world literally (yes, I added a literally there just to stress out the old irrelevant men on Twitter who hate me).

It’s been the talk of mums everywhere. There’s no better man than Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Then my friend who is actually a doula said what we all instinctively know: Dwayne The Rock Johnson would be the perfect doula.

What’s a doula? I got my friend Becka (the doula) to explain: “A doula provides emotional, educational and physical support for birthing people and their partners. As our role isn’t a clinical one, we are able to focus solely on the parents throughout the process with a presence that is consistent and continuous. A large part of our role is working with partners to help prepare them for the birth and upcoming postpartum experience, so our role isn’t to replace a partner but to help them be the best support they can be while also providing them support. We’re usually the first to arrive and last to leave!

“Most doulas get to know families through two or three prenatal visits where they learn about any birth preferences people have, discuss their hopes, fears, excitement, concerns and provide information, resources and a listening ear. We also discuss what postpartum might look like and meet with our families after baby arrives to help with breastfeeding, debrief the birth, hug, cry or sometimes just hold the baby so they can pee and sleep in peace for a few minutes. We work alongside midwives and doctors in a role that compliments their care. Overall, having a doula means you have someone who remains with you throughout a super vulnerable time in your life and makes sure you are seen and heard.”

Unfortunately doulas aren’t that common in New Zealand, Becka works with Eventide Doula in Vancouver. But she got me (and the group-chat) thinking: Who would you choose as your doula?

Now, I did have my husband at my labour. Only my husband. I had hoped my bestie Heidi would be there but it was not to be. I wasn’t too upset. She probably wasn’t either since I shat on the floor and had to have my placenta delivered manually (that means they stick their hand up your-nevermind).

At my second birth my husband was not as helpful. Potentially it was the three or four false starts we’d had – or the fact that we hadn’t slept for a long time and weren’t sure why we were having a second child. He kept telling me I didn’t want an epidural because if you have an epidural you have to stay overnight and he needed to get home for the cricket. He kept telling me I didn’t need one. But IT WASN’T HIS VAGINA WAS IT. IT WASN’T HIS VAGINA PUSHING OUT A TEN POUND FOUR BABY WITH A 99th PERCENTILE HEAD FACING THE WRONG WAY WAS IT.

And to this day I hate cricket.

If Dwayne The Rock Johnson had been there it would have been different. Dwayne The Rock Johnson would tell you how powerful and majestic you are. Dwayne The Rock Johnson would tell you that you come from a great line of powerful wāhine and there’s nothing that you can’t do. Dwayne The Rock Johnson wouldn’t complain that you’re gripping his gigantic arm too hard. He can lift cars with those arms. Dwayne The Rock Johnson would put on some slow jams and you’d try to wrap your arms around his body but you couldn’t because his body is too big. And you’d feel so small and safe in his arms. You’d feel positively dainty – even though you’re so big you haven’t seen your feet since you were 20 weeks along. Dwayne The Rock Johnson would calmly whisper motivational gym slogans into your ear. He would thank the midwives. He would stroke your hair but not in that annoying way your husband did it. He wouldn’t eat KFC when you’re about to go through transition. He certainly would never say “you pooped again”.

Clearly, case closed, Dwayne The Rock Johnson would be the world’s best doula. But who else would make the list?

Sonny Bill Williams – There’s literally nothing in the world that Sonny Bill Williams hasn’t excelled at. He cannot fail. Can you imagine him in the theatre room? He’d be like ‘OK I didn’t expect to be a doula but I’m going to smash it because I am a machine who can’t do anything but win’. And he would distract you with his arms.

Jeff Goldblum – Would give you an orgasmic birth. You’d be able to cut the Oxytocin in the room with a knife.

Oprah – Positive affirmations, everyone in the birthing unit would get a car, soothing voice, could make you healthy smoothies from her garden (slight downside – she might talk about you shitting on her show and turn it into a story of self-empowerment).

Dolly Parton – She hasn’t had a kid but she’s done a hell of a lot of mothering. She’d stop everyone from taking photos until you were looking presentable. After catching the baby she’d gently sing ‘Little Sparrow’ to it. She’d be the best godmother. She would always give books, not noisy shit. And she would host birthday parties at Dollywood.

Marama Davidson – She’d be efficient. She has six kids already so she knows what’s up. She also looks like she gives good hugs.

Snoop Dog – Would be super chill. Would get in the bath with you. Actually I don’t know if that would be a good thing. And he might smoke out the room. But would be super chill. Maybe too chill?

Which brings us surely to who would make the worst doula. Well that’s easy:

Your own child – Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama for 27 hours.

Tom Cruise – Imagine that face leering at you in silence for the whole birth.

Kevin Hart – Imagine that voice screaming at you to push.

Brian Tamaki – Afraid of vaginas and would probably set himself on fire. Also is a tiny awful hate goblin.

Matthew McConaughey – Would play EDM. Would play bongos. Would try to make you wear amber beads for the baby “it will absorb into them”.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Would spend the whole time telling you about how her birth was only 30 seconds long and was actually quite enjoyable. Would say things like “you just need to relax – birth is harder if you tense up”. Might put a magic ball up her yoni in front of you while eating kale. LOOK I DON’T KNOW SHE IS ODD.

So there you have it. Who are your picks? And if you’re a support person going into the labour thing, here are a few tips: Shut up, and do what the person trying to get that baby out needs you to do. Oh that’s just two tips. How handy.

Emily Writes is editor of The Spinoff Parents. Her book Rants in the Dark is out now. Buy it here. Follow her on Facebook here.

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