WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this report fruitful in any way,” read the analysis in part, adding that your best option here was to give up on trying to parse over 400 pages of legal text, admit that you are a goddamn idiot, and go back to looking at pictures of dogs or whatever the hell an imbecile like yourself wastes their life doing. “Wait a few days, let the grown-ups examine this, and then give them a chance to tell you what to think in simple infographic form. Until then, you might as well stop trying to sound out words like ‘pursuant,’ close your laptop or turn off your phone, and go to sleep for the rest of the day.” The report concluded that despite your personal and intellectual failings, you should still give yourself a nice little pat on the back for trying.

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