What is your idea of perfect happiness? Being in love while organizing my closet.

What is your greatest fear? Waking up after a sleepover at John Waters’s house and finding my sleeping bag isn’t zipped up the same way as when I passed out. Or “President Palin.”

What is your greatest extravagance? Hope.

What is your current state of mind? Cautiously pessimistic.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Sobriety.

On what occasion do you lie? To advance my personal agenda.

What do you dislike most about your appearance? Based on your caricature on the left: everything.

What is the quality you most like in a woman? Proximity.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “It’s an honor just to be nominated.”

When and where were you happiest? Right now, here with you. Let’s not ruin it by talking.

Which talent would you most like to have? The ability to bullshit.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My desperate need to be liked.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? Staying on the air.

What is your most treasured possession? My freedom.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Thinking of the right thing to say—later.

What do you most value in your friends? Non-disclosure.

Which historical figure do you most identify with? Paul Revere.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Jesus of Nazareth.

What is it that you most dislike? Hypocrisy, animal cruelty, and yams.

What is your greatest regret? It’s a tie between muttonchop sideburns and believing Judith Miller. Honorable mention: Lehman Brothers—thanks a lot, assholes.

How would you like to die? Surrounded by enemies, holding a grenade.

What is your motto? “Religion is bad, drugs are good.”