Jul 23rd, 2013 | Viewing | Comments

WHEN: 9:15am EST, June 8th, 2013

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME

FORMAT: DVD on a 24” Philips CRT television,

COMPANY: None

MENTAL STATE: Bored enough to come up with a completely insane theory…

ISLA NUBLAR WAS AN INSIDE JOB:

We all know that Jurassic Park is a movie about man’s hubris, our inability to control nature, and the unpredictability of amusement parks. But what if I were to tell you that the movie isn’t about an accidental dinosaur disaster at all, but about an elaborately planned mass murder? It is my intention to show that John Hammond, founder and proprietor of Jurassic Park, arranged a park failure with the intent to kill Donald Gennaro, Ray Arnold, Dennis Nedry, Robert Muldoon, and Ian Malcolm, and that he had the motive, means, and opportunity to do so.

Some murderers play Huey Lewis and the News, others show a video of their clones talking to an anthropomorphic DNA strand.

THE TARGETS:

Why would this kindly old man want to unleash the fury of his dinosaurs on a handful of guests and park employees? I can see reasons for several of them right off the bat.

1) Robert Muldoon

As I’ve mentioned before, Muldoon’s stance that the raptors are dangerous and must be destroyed does not go over too well with John Hammond. As a man who feels the need to make a personal connection with each and every hatchling on his island, Hammond probably doesn’t take too kindly to Muldoon’s sentiments. The dinos are Hammond’s children, and when someone wants to kill your children, you usually fight back.

2) Dennis Nedry

Sloppy, disgruntled, and wants more money. Not an ideal combination in an employee who holds the keys to your entire park. It’s a horrible mess waiting to happen. We’ve seen how easily Nedry can be corrupted by a little money and a man with a Barbasol can. Better to manipulate him before someone else does.

3) Donald Gennaro

Lawyer breathing down your neck, forcing you to follow every little safety regulation? Is he saying bad things about you behind your back to your all-important consortium of investors? Wouldn’t it be nice if he were out of the way so that he could be replaced by someone you could influence? It sure beats installing more motion sensors and additional miles of fencing.

4) Ian Malcolm

Hammond and Malcolm just don’t get along. There is a palpable air of discontent whenever they share a room. No one wants their hand-picked mathematician saying their ultra-secret dinosaur emporium will never work. Trying to silence your own expert wouldn’t look too good. But if he just happens to accidentally get snacked upon while leaving the safety of his vehicle… well, that’s hardly your fault, is it?

5) Ray Arnold

No one wants a smoker in a lab that breeds baby dinosaurs, and unemployment is just so expensive for an employer…

THE PLAN:

Step One – Hire Dodgson to Hire Nedry

This step is easy. All Hammond has to do is get an out-of-work actor to pose as a rival bio-engineering exec. Have him hire Nedry to sabotage the park in order to steal the embryos. Have the actor report back on how and when Nedry was going to shut down the system.

Out-of-work actors are cheap, bountiful, and eager to please!

Step Two – Get the Targets to the Island

This part is also easy, since most of the targets work there anyway. All that’s needed is to invite Gennaro and Malcolm over for show-and-tell. Invite a couple of paleontologists along for the ride while you’re at it, just to make things look legitimate.

Step Three – Get Necessary Personnel Off the Island

There will still be a park to run after the hit, so you need most of your employees to survive. What better way to ensure their safety than shuttling them all off the island for no particular reason? As I’ve previously noted, there is no logical explanation for why Wu, Harding, and the rest of the JP staff need to pack up and leave… unless they’re just too valuable to have around during a dinosaur rampage.

Essential to the park, but not to the plot.

Step Four – Sabotage Nedry’s Escape

Just as Hammond planned, the park has shut down with most of the guests trapped in their cars, and Nedry is rushing to the boat. But it just wouldn’t do to have Nedry make it there in one piece. Setting up a false trail of signs leading right into a muddy hill in the Dilophosaurus paddock should do the trick.

Really, why would you use spinning signs if you weren’t setting up a Wile-E.-Coyote-esque trap?

Step Five: Wait to See Who Survives/Unleash the Raptors

Nedry and Gennaro have been taken care of, but there are still victims left to kill. Fortunately, Hammond has an ace up his sleeve. He needs only shut off the power to the park and the Raptors will be released. Vicious and deadly, they will surely polish off any stragglers. Arnold knows that turning off the power is a bad idea, but Hammond browbeats him into doing it anyway, and then sends him on a path directly past the Raptor cage. It’s only a matter of time before Muldoon follows.

Fun Fact: This may have been the last human face Ray Arnold ever saw.

Left alone in a bunker with a dying Malcolm, his final victim, all Hammond would have had to do is wait several days for the boat to come back (as he had no doubt planned) and everything would have been fine. Well, if it weren’t for those meddling kids, and those paleontologists. Speaking of which, why did he have his grandchildren on the island if he was going to unleash a hoard of murder-beasts?

THE CHILDREN ARE HIS ALIBI:

The final element of Granddad’s plan…

Hammond invited them deliberately. Because no sweet old man would send his grandkids to die in the jaws of a Tyrannosaur. He’d have to be some kind of monster.

This kind of monster.