“Every day with this guy is like ‘Fight Club.’ One of these days we’re going to find him in the parking lot outside the White House beating the crap out of himself.” — SETH MEYERS

“One day he’s threatening war with Iran, the next day he’s claiming he stopped a war with Iran. One day he’s threatening to deport millions and rip apart migrant families, the next day he’s saying he delayed the deportations. It’s almost like he saw the polls and instead of running against the Democrats in 2020, he decided to run against himself. [Imitating Trump:] Vote for me! I’m the only one who can stop Donald Trump!” — SETH MEYERS

“The point is we are at peace, thanks to and in spite of President Trump.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Donald Trump likes the decisiveness of calling off the terrible command Donald Trump just gave.” — STEPHEN COLBERT