Now, given, this was help that the kid didn't ask for, but we got plenty of the opposite, like applications written in two different colors of ink and two distinctly different handwriting styles. If that wasn't enough to tip us off that some of these kids were having Mommy fill out everything but the signatures, we actually watched more than one guy have her do it right in front of us.

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"Oh, trust me, he'll fuck it up. He's Mommy's little dumbass."

But our business-wide favorite was the question "How will you get to work?" Since some of our employees were young enough to not have their first car yet, that's a pretty important question. The most common answer we got was "My girlfriend will drive me." Teens, I won't totally lay this one on you, though. This was the most common answer from age 16 right up through age 30. There were fully grown men who couldn't get themselves to work because they can't go one fucking year without getting a DUI.

Our thinking, though, was that if the girlfriend was responsible enough to have her own car and an actual driver's license, could you just send her in for an interview? Because she's the one we want to hire. She's demonstrated that, where life is concerned, she's the one who knows what the fuck she's doing. But on the extremely rare occasion when we did hire one of the "my girlfriend will drive me" guys, the same thing always happened: He started showing up late to work and blaming it on the girlfriend. "I told that bitch we needed to leave 15 minutes earlier, but she wouldn't listen!"