Dallas, Texas – Pastor Nathaniel Longstreet of Stone Boat Baptist Church is using gold toilet paper in his mansion, and isn’t afraid to let man’s sinful world know about it.

“I’ve been in the closet too long,” Pastor Longstreet stated. “God saw fit to bless me with three-ply toilet paper with gold flakes in it. You got a problem with it? Talk to God. I’m just the defector.”

Rumors were swirling around this man of God and his toilet habits for quite some time. Those who work closely with the pastor noted he always took a bag in with him to the bathroom. There were times when he’s sent an underling to his estate to get a package from Mrs. Longstreet and bring it back to the megachurch post haste.

The staff member who was sent on one of the errands had this to say

Mrs. Longstreet mentioned her husband had eaten some Taco Bell the night before. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Now it just seems weird. If you’re going to use gold toilet paper shouldn’t you be eating something better than a loco burrito?

Pastor Longstreet recently admitted that God blessed him so much, it would be a sin not to use golden toilet paper whenever and wherever he needed to defecate.

Members of his congregation are divided on the use of a precious metal being used for toilet paper. Some are just happy the scandal doesn’t involve Longstreet’s penis and 14-year-old girls. Others can’t understand the situation at all.

James “Butter Tub” King is a staunch supporter of his minister. However, even he had this to say:

I imagine King Solomon in his day had something like gold toilet paper in the palace. But what I don’t get is why gold? Isn’t platinum more valuable than gold? Maybe Longstreet doesn’t deserve platinum toilet tissue. Maybe the minister isn’t as godly as we all think he is.

Such reasoning resonated with other church members. A committee was formed to explore the issue.

However, God heard Butter Tub’s concern. Pastor Longstreet reports his bathrooms will now have only the most elegant platinum toilet paper.

“Thanks to God’s grace that crisis is over,” stated one anonymous church elder. “Now we get back to fighting the godless heathens who want to take Jesus’ guns away from us.”

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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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