I was deeply honored to stand at the White House July 9 with my wife, Ashley, and my daughters, Margaret and Liza, to accept President Trump’s nomination to succeed my former boss and mentor, Justice Anthony Kennedy, on the Supreme Court.

This is a long, bad, run-on sentence. Aren’t you supposed to be a good writer?

My mom, Martha—one of the first women to serve as a Maryland prosecutor and trial judge, and my inspiration to become a lawyer—sat in the audience with my dad, Ed.

Cool story. Can we talk about literally anything that’s important?

That night, I told the American people who I am and what I believe.

I remember! You said a bunch of boring stuff, that the Federalist Society and Don McGahn and whoever else coached you to say. It was very typical, and mostly empty, rhetoric. In its pleasant tone, it reminded me a lot of the things Merrick Garland said when he was in a similar situation in 2016.

I talked about my 28-year career as a lawyer, almost all of which has been in public service. I talked about my 12 years as a judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, often called the second most important court in the country, and my five years of service in the White House for President George W. Bush.

Fun side-note: literally millions of documents from your time in those jobs were buried, for no reason! Or rather, for the reason of: fuck you, nobody gets to see them, just cuz.

I talked about my long record of advancing and promoting women, including as a judge—a majority of my 48 law clerks have been women—and as a longtime coach of girls’ basketball teams.

Yeah…listen: a lot of people who are racist like to talk about their black friends. A lot of people who are misogynists like to talk about the women they’ve helped. A lot of people who do a lot of bad shit like to talk about the good shit they’ve done instead. Roy Moore’s wife, at a rally, once proudly announced that her husband couldn’t hate women because he made her the President of something or other, and also he couldn’t be a bigot like people were saying, because one of her attorneys was a Jew. So. Just, like, FYI, this isn’t a good defense of anything.

As I explained that night, a good judge must be an umpire—a neutral and impartial arbiter who favors no political party, litigant or policy.

Oh yeah! You did. I forgot about that, because much more recently you did a bunch of insane crazy stuff!

As Justice Kennedy has stated, judges do not make decisions to reach a preferred result. Judges make decisions because the law and the Constitution compel the result. Over the past 12 years, I have ruled sometimes for the prosecution and sometimes for criminal defendants, sometimes for workers and sometimes for businesses, sometimes for environmentalists and sometimes for coal miners. In each case, I have followed the law. I do not decide cases based on personal or policy preferences. I am not a pro-plaintiff or pro-defendant judge. I am not a pro-prosecution or pro-defense judge. I am a pro-law judge.

First of all, saying you’re a “pro-law judge” is like saying you’re a “pro-hitting-tennis-balls tennis player.” The law is literally the thing you are there to engage with. How can you not be a “pro-law judge?” Second: what you really are is conservative. You’re the most reliably conservative judge on the D.C. Circuit. You rule on the politically conservative side of the issue essentially constantly. That’s why you were standing in the Rose Garden, giving that speech – because you’re a judicial partisan hack.

As Justice Kennedy showed us, a judge must be independent, not swayed by public pressure. Our independent judiciary is the crown jewel of our constitutional republic. The Supreme Court is the last line of defense for the separation of powers, and for the rights and liberties guaranteed by the Constitution.

Blargdy blargdy blargdy can we get to the part where you started screaming about lifting weights in high school?

The Supreme Court must never be viewed as a partisan institution. The justices do not sit on opposite sides of an aisle. They do not caucus in separate rooms. As I have said repeatedly, if confirmed to the court, I would be part of a team of nine, committed to deciding cases according to the Constitution and laws of the United States. I would always strive to be a team player.

“And the evidence for this is that I have literally never done it in my entire life!”



During the confirmation process, I met with 65 senators and explained my approach to the law. I participated in more than 30 hours of hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and I submitted written answers to nearly 1,300 additional questions. I was grateful for the opportunity. After all those meetings and after my initial hearing concluded, I was subjected to wrongful and sometimes vicious allegations. My time in high school and college, more than 30 years ago, has been ridiculously distorted. My wife and daughters have faced vile and violent threats. Against that backdrop, I testified before the Judiciary Committee last Thursday to defend my family, my good name and my lifetime of public service.

Yeah…we remember, man. Because you were screaming. You ranted and raved and blustered. You said this whole thing was a smear campaign orchestrated by your political enemies. You straight-up lied about what various things mean, like “boof” and “Devil’s Triangle” and you also lied about how much you like beer. You essentially called a number of women – women who have accused you of improper sexually aggressive conduct – liars. You said this was all retribution for what you did to the Clintons. When Amy Klobuchar – a sitting U.S. Senator – asked you if you had ever blacked out while drinking, you snidely shot back, “Have you?!” as if the fucking U.S. Senate is not there to evaluate you, but vice-versa. You said “What goes around comes around,” meaning: “when I’m on the bench I’m gonna fuck up the Democrats just cuz.”

You know – the kind of stuff a Supreme Court Justice is supposed to say.

My hearing testimony was forceful and passionate.

I’d say more like “scream-y and entitled and whiny and absurd and partisan and embarrassing and awful and terrifying to all non-rich-white dudes in the country.” But “forceful and passionate” works too, I suppose.

That is because I forcefully and passionately denied the allegation against me. At times, my testimony—both in my opening statement and in response to questions—reflected my overwhelming frustration at being wrongly accused, without corroboration, of horrible conduct completely contrary to my record and character.

It’s not, though, is it? It’s not contrary to your record. Your record is that you drank a ton, and behaved like an entitled dick, and what you were accused of, essentially, was drinking a ton and acting like an entitled dick.

My statement and answers also reflected my deep distress at the unfairness of how this allegation has been handled.

Huh. Dr. Ford’s answers reflected her deep distress at you having drunkenly pawed at her clothes and stifled her screams when she was fifteen years old. And she kept it together.

I was very emotional last Thursday, more so than I have ever been. I might have been too emotional at times. I know that my tone was sharp, and I said a few things I should not have said.

…I mean, yeah. You did.

I hope everyone can understand that I was there as a son, husband and dad. I testified with five people foremost in my mind: my mom, my dad, my wife, and most of all my daughters.



Your mom, dad, wife, and daughters made you froth at the mouth and scream that this was a conspiracy perpetrated by your political enemies to avenge your treatment of the Clintons?

Going forward, you can count on me to be the same kind of judge and person I have been for my entire 28-year legal career: hardworking, even-keeled, open-minded, independent and dedicated to the Constitution and the public good.

That’s not what you are, man. I know you can’t say this out loud, but we all know that’s not what you are.

As a judge, I have always treated colleagues and litigants with the utmost respect. I have been known for my courtesy on and off the bench. I have not changed. I will continue to be the same kind of judge I have been for the last 12 years. And I will continue to contribute to our country as a coach, volunteer, and teacher.

Oh okay good as long as you keep coaching basketball we’re cool.

Every day I will try to be the best husband, dad, and friend I can be. I will remain optimistic, on the sunrise side of the mountain. I will continue to see the day that is coming, not the day that is gone.

Stay away from florid language, man. You’re a middle-aged angry rich white D.C. prep school kid. Poesy doesn’t suit you.

I revere the Constitution. I believe that an independent and impartial judiciary is essential to our constitutional republic. If confirmed by the Senate to serve on the Supreme Court, I will keep an open mind in every case and always strive to preserve the Constitution of the United States and the American rule of law.

No you won’t, man. I know you can’t say this out loud, but we all know you won’t.

Judge Kavanaugh has been nominated as an associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

Yeah, WSJ. I know. Believe me – I know.