Hi, ladies! It's good to see you all here, and in your underwear, no less. To thank you for your thoughtfulness, I'm pulling back the curtain to reveal five secrets you always suspected about those male friends you would take home to ma, but never home from the bar: the nice guys.

First, let's define terms. The word "nice" originally meant "foolish or senseless." So right there: core concept. It later acquired such meanings as "delicate," "careful" and "agreeable" before becoming "too great a favorite with the ladies, who have charmed out of it all its individuality and converted it into a mere diffuser of vague and mild agreeableness."

Really, it's the perfect summary of guys like your best male friend, and formerly me.

Not much more Mr. Nice Guy

Very formerly.

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Thankfully, niceness can be corrected with a newspaper smack on the nose, or a couple of solid heartbreaks. I'll explain why ineffectual schlubs act a certain way, and what you can do to correct them. These are my tips for turning the sweet guy you say you want into the brute you actually do.