Google, Microsoft Agree To Switch Sides

Fake News written by James Baughn on

from the at-least-they-didn't-merge dept.

In a shocking announcement, Microsoft and Google have agreed to switch places, with Google dropping its "Do No Evil" policy and Microsoft embracing a virtuous business model.

"It's a perfect solution for both Google and Microsoft," said an industry observer. "Microsoft is being dogged by EU anti-trust officials and Google is being dogged by Wall Street anti-virtue investors. They both need to change their ways immediately or face dire legal and financial consequences."

Effective April 1, 2006, Microsoft will adopt the behavior of a "kinder, gentler" company that plays fair with others and doesn't try to bleed its competitors and customers dry. Well, maybe. It's not immediately clear whether this policy change represents a serious paradigm shift or is merely a very crafty public relations ploy.

"We know people are going to be skeptical, but we think everybody will be pleasantly surprised," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "We have kicked off Phase I of our Do No Evil 2006 plan, in which management and employees will undergo 'ethics re-adjustment' training to drive all of the ingrained, evil habits out of them. It won't be an easy process, but we have to do something before we get creamed by the legal system."

On the other hand, Google, which has quickly fallen out of favor with Wall Street investors that equate "Do No Evil" with "Make No Money", will now embark on a furious program of short-term profit extraction, regardless of cost. Well, maybe. It's not immediately clear whether this policy change represents a serious paradigm shift or is merely a very crafty public relations ploy.

"We know people are going to be skeptical, but we think fund managers, industry analysts, investment advisors, and TV talking heads will be pleasantly surprised with our upcoming earnings reports," said a Google spokesperson. "All of our employees have been directed to 'Make More Money or Else!'" Moreover, we also have a large number of new products under development -- such as Google World Domination Beta -- that will add value for our shareholders. It won't be an easy process, but we have to do something before we get creamed by the financial system."

Reaction to the news has been mostly negative. "What the heck is Microsoft thinking?" observed one industry observer. "They beat the rap in the U.S., so why are they worried about some pipsqueak regulators in Europe? I'm downgrading their stock from Buy to They've Gone Insane, Dump Now Before It's Too Late."

"Google is killing the golden goose," one market analyst analyzed. "I mean, if people wanted to use a search engine by some bloated, lumbering, evil overlord, they would just use MSN or AOL. Once Google joins the Dark Side, they no longer have a reason to exist!"

However, one stock market speculator speculated, "It's about time! Google needs to get with the program. They didn't achieve a market cap of over a googol dollars just because of the cute logo! It's time to pay the piper, and Google better start producing some scratch or else they'll be scratched into oblivion. Evil, greed, and obsessing about short-term earnings are the three qualities that have made this country so great!"