The election is over, and the verdict is in. Kansas is drunk on conservatism!



And like an alcoholic, Kansas can�t turn its life around until it hits rock bottom, and the thing about rock bottom is you don�t know where it is until you hit it.



If you�re not excited about this new-and-improved uberconservative utopia you�re living in, you might have the urge to wail and gnash your teeth, point your finger at Gov. Sam Brownback and scream that he�s everything wrong with Kansas. He�s a lot of what�s wrong, but that would be a very conservative thing to do. After all, screaming Obama and Harry Reid is how these elections were won.



Do you think people were voting for these guys? Brownback seems about as uncomfortable with people as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and Roberts isn�t nearly as conservative as he�s been putting on. Let�s remember, if it�s government we hate, Pat Roberts has been part of it for the past 40 years, and Brownback has spent his entire adult career in �the government.�



Nevertheless, now is not the time for lamentation, tears or fearful prognostications. No! It�s time to steel your resolve and prepare yourself for four more years under a Brownback administration � one free from the burden of re-election, that has the Legislature securely in its pocket and owns a shiny new Supreme Court justice who is also a dear friend.



Don�t despair, Democrats, moderates, independents and anyone who isn�t among the 24 percent of registered voters who supported Brownback and Roberts (roughly 18-20 percent of voting age Kansans, if you�re keeping track). Fighting the machine is pointless, and resistance is futile. You�ll be far better off if you evolve and adapt to your environment to ensure your survival in the coming years.



Here are a few helpful pointers.



1. Stop complaining about how businesses don�t pay income taxes and just become a business. Many of those �15,000 new business filings� aren�t new, they�re old businesses restructured to avoid taxes. With the right accountant, there�s no reason you can�t incorporate your family and get your employer to pay wages to �John Doe, LLC.� Voila! No income tax, no withholding tax, and you�ll be counted among the illustrious �job-creators.�



2. Homeschool your children. Let�s face it, there isn�t going to be any money for public education � especially after all the trouble those teachers caused, following the governor around on the campaign trail. If you raise kids in western Kansas, homeschooling soon might be the only option � unless you�re OK with a three-hour bus ride to the nearest grade school.



3. If you don�t own a gun, get one and open-carry it everywhere. For starters, a gun on your hip shows the world you�re not a dirty hippie liberal. But, a smaller government also means less money for law enforcement. When community policing means that you police your own community, you�ll be happy you�re not the only loser without a gun. Call Secretary of State Kris Kobach at (785) 296-4564 if you need help. He�s part owner of a new gun company and can get you a sweet deal.



4. Sell all your property. You won�t pay income tax because you�re an LLC (see No. 1), and you won�t pay much sales tax � except on your groceries � because you�re a wage-earner and can�t afford anything. But you will pay taxes on your house, and when things get tight that property starts looking pretty tasty to Topeka types. Special note to farmers: Did you know last year in the Legislature, an urban lawmaker introduced a test bill to gauge reaction to efforts to alter the use-value assessment of agricultural land? There�s a lot of farm land in Kansas, and a lot of people who don�t live on farms think you�ve been getting by pretty cheap for too many years.



5. Learn how to perform your own medical procedures at home. There are a number of useful books out there that show how to remove your own gallbladder or sew on a severed finger. With Brownback�s refusal to expand Medicaid, and the health care compact threatening Medicare, now is a good time to hone your DIY health-care skills.



6. Learn to love walking again � unless you enjoy driving on roads with more craters than the moon. That money sitting around at KDOT for highway projects won�t last long, especially if Kansas keeps stealing it to pay for tax cuts and welfare � I mean incentives � for gazillion-dollar companies.



7. Welcome a world without color or sound. There�s no money for wasteful art � at schools or in real life. If you can�t imagine what Kansas looks like in black-and-white, watch the Wizard of Oz again.



8. Call Secretary of State Kris Kobach at (785) 296-4564 to report anyone who doesn�t look or act like you. Don�t mess around with this. There are so many things of which to be terrified � immigrants, Ebola, ISIS, Obama, hippies, gay people, environmentalists, Harry Reid, computers, the government, airplanes, Muslims, Harry Reid, Obama. There are probably things we should be scared of that we haven�t even thought of yet! If you don�t report all suspicious activity or offer the names and locations of people who make you uncomfortable, you�re being unAmerican and unKansan. This is the single most important thing you can do to restore Kansas and the country to its 1950s glory.



9. Watch more Fox News and listen to more talk radio. This is the only way you�re going to learn the newspeak of the Kansas you�re living in. It will accelerate your assimilation into the majority and help you more effectively navigate this brave new conservative world in which there is only one right way.



10. Get a lobotomy. There�s no point in holding on to antiquated and obsolete skills like critical thinking and deductive reasoning.



Jason Probst is news editor for The Hutchinson News. Email: jprobst@hutchnews.com.