'I had my first sexual encounter with a guy when I was 17... I hated myself': Rugby champ Gareth Thomas' secret suicide torment



Since coming out in 2009 former rugby star Gareth Thomas has become a role model for other young men struggling with their sexuality.

But it hasn't always been so easy for the Dancing On Ice star, who has revealed during a soul-searching documentary on his secret past the lengths he would endure to cover up his sexuality, which drove him to contemplating suicide.

In the Channel 5 documentary Gareth is deeply honest about his first intimate encounter with a man at a party, but said he felt such shame afterwards he scrubbed himself clean afterwards.



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Reflective: Gareth has bared his soul for the documentary, which features previous unseen footage of the former rugby champ

Straight-talking: Gareth came out in 2009, after being married for six years - he is the first professional rugby player to openly reveal his homosexuality

He said: 'I had my first sexual encounter with a guy when I was 17, I hated myself so much after I remember trying to scrub myself clean.

'I had a lot of anger, I didn't like myself after I stepped off the field.'

Gareth, who admits he regularly felt suicidal because of his deception, admits his sport was often a double-edged sword.

Although enjoying the escapism and violence of rugby, the talented player would often feel marginalised in the often homophobic sport.

Hiding his pain: Gareth said rugby was a form of escape for him, and the violence saved him from the streets

Dancing On Ice: Since leaving rugby Gareth has gone on to star in a series of reality shows, including this year's Dancing On Ice

He explains if it wasn't for the violence of the sport he fears he would be in prison as the aggressive sport was a chance for him to let out steam, which otherwise he would have taken to the street.

He said: 'If I didn't have the rugby to cope with the aggression i would have been locked up years ago. If you are known as a tough guy, you are not gay.'



In My Secret Past: Gareth Thomas Coming Out, the 38-year-old heart-breakingly reveals: 'When I couldn't handle being around the people I was deceiving, I'd walk for hours along the local cliffs.

Tormented: Now Gareth is helping others deal with their sexuality struggles

'During my worst times, I'd come here everyday with the thought I was going to kill myself. I hated being Gareth Thomas.

'I hated the man in the mirror, I hated it so much I wanted to die.'

Gareth's brave choice to become the first openly gay professional rugby player has won him praise from teammates and charities.

But the former Celebrity Big Brother star is still haunted by the secret life he led while being married to blonde Jemma.

His best friend: Gareth said even though he had flings, he never cared for anyone in the way he cared for his ex wife Jemma

He admits sleeping with men while married and the pair filed for divorce after six years in 2007.

'For me getting married, I thought at the time that that would be enough.That some how it would make me normal. I never cared for any of the guys in the way I cared for Jemma.'



In the documentary Gareth reveals he confessed to his teammates Martyn Williams, 37, and Stephen Jones, 35.

Martyn said: 'We were shocked but to the lads it was really a case of "so what?"'

In the show Gareth is seen chatting to youngers who like him struggle to cope with their sexuality.

Speaking to The Daily Star he said: 'There's part of me that thinks I don't want everybody to know stuff about me.

'By coming out and becoming a role model then I feel there's a responsibility to help others. I hope people take away from my story that people respect honesty.'

My Secret Past: Gareth Thomas Coming Out is on Channel 5 at 10pm on Thursday