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Even better than soft carpet on your toes is soft tissue on your ass, as Chris found during his reunion with non-prison bathrooms. Plus, proper bathrooms offer another luxury: privacy. In prison, the inmates improvised toilet barriers using sheets stuck to the wall with hardened toothpaste; this didn't work too well and never blocked the stink. Now, Chris loves pooping in solitude so much that he refuses to enter any public restroom. "I don't have to shit with other people anymore, and I choose to never do it," he says. "I will hold it all day long. It's a principle thing."

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Besides, have you seen Taco Bell bathrooms?

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But such glorious decadence isn't always a pleasure. In prison, Chris slept on a mattress just one inch thick. It was almost like sleeping on concrete. Once he was out, he returned to a huge, springy bed -- and found he couldn't fall asleep. So he slipped off and went to sleep on the ground, which seemed more comfortable to him. He repeated this, night after night, right up until he started dating. "Probably would have weirded her out," he explains, "if I got up after sex and slept on the floor."