TREVIGLIO, ITALY—High-end bicycle manufacturer Bianchi unveiled its new ultrawide “Disagio” model on Friday, a touring bike specially designed to block, box in, and jostle subway commuters at the height of rush hour. “At 7 feet long with a 52-inch handlebar span, the Disagio makes it easy to obstruct doors and snag people’s coats and bags as they awkwardly contort themselves around its massive frame,” said product manager Pietro Galloni, highlighting the bike’s slip-prone kickstand and sharpened titanium pedals that jut into the aisles an extra 4 inches on each side. “Plus, we’ve stiffened the bike’s front fork to extend its turning radius, so anytime commuters are pushing to get in or out of a jam-packed subway car, it’s nearly impossible to move out of the way. We’re proud to say that the Disagio is the only bicycle that offers Bianchi craftsmanship in tandem with the ability to effectively imprison dozens of passengers.” Galloni added that the Disagio comes standard with misaligned tires that make it take twice as long to mount to the front of a bus.

Advertisement