I’m so proud of my brother. He graduated Yoga class, and now he’s an official certified yoga teacher.



I went to his graduation, and the main teacher read papers that each of the students wrote about Yoga. A lot of them pointed out health benefits. All of those mentioned weight loss. A few of them mentioned it a LOT.



As I’m trying not to feel awkward about that, each student now goes around to talk about how Yoga has improved their life. They’re all half my size, and some of them glance at me awkwardly. A woman (Also smaller than me) points out she lost 13 inches, and she gets a STANDING OVATION. A few people look at me, but I can’t read any judgement from their expressions. I still can’t help but feel that “And you can, too!” vibe coming from their glances. I try to tell myself that I’m assuming things and reading into it when there’s nothing to real into.



Stil, I feel even more awkward. Nobody’s looking at or judging me, but I felt like I was being showcased.



“Do Yoga, kids! It’ll ensure that you don’t end up like HER”



Later on, there’s a pot luck at the end. What little food was there is vegan (Which is to be expected of a Yoga studio in Portland, OR. Can’t complain), but even then, the plates people take are small. Nobody stared before, but now they are. One girl grabs half a slice of pita bread, and I take a whole slice with the rest of my plate. She silently scoffs. I’ve got three times as much food as these people. I don’t know if they’re judging me or my plate, but I noticed that their portions are so small because they DO care about being thin. Which means they probably think I’m unhealthy because I’m not. Here comes more worried thoughts and assumptions that these people are judging me for my weight.



Whether they thought this or not, I still felt judged and shamed for what I was eating.



Later on, I go back for cheesecake (It wasn’t out during my first time up there). I mention to my brother that I’m trying to get a slice. That same woman who was so proud of losing her 13 inches looks right at me and lets out a single “HA!” very loudly. She refuses to speak to me for the rest of the potluck.



Everyone I talk to mentions that I should try yoga. At least half of them use my weight as a reason why I should.



People glare as I go for a second plate of cheesecake. They don’t realize I’m bringing it to my fiance’ (And I had even shared my first plate with him). A couple of the men there make a point to avoid me, one even curling his face in fear and disgust anytime I came near (And made a b-line trying to avoid me).





Nobody’s directly rude to me, but I felt shamed the entire time. I do want to do Yoga, and I plan on taking up a class, but I doubt I could be a student to any of these people (All of the people I mentioned are students becoming TEACHERS). Would they even want to TEACH my fat body? Do they think I could do it? If I tried, would they showcase me and my weight to the class as a condition to overcome? When people tell me “I’m proud of you for taking Yoga”, will they mean it as a weight loss goal rather than being happy that I found another healthy hobby?







The event was for my brother’s graduation. He worked hard for his diploma and his new job as a yoga teacher. But it’s difficult to focus on how proud I am of him when I’m too busy feeling outcasted due to my size (I was the biggest person there, other than my mom).





And then, of course, I’m told I’m assuming things and taking things personally because nobody actually came up to me and said anything about it. But when you experiance this crap on a day to day basis like I do, it’s hard not to see it. Sometimes you see it when it’s not even there, and that gets SUPER confusing.



If I’m not assuming things, then this kind of crap is exactly what TITP is about. If I am assuming things, then I really must admit that I’ve become jaded due to the fact that everyone else everywhere has treated me the same or worse due to my weight. And I don’t know if you know, but the vegan community in Portland is SUPER fatophobic because they’re focusing on health, and… Yeah. You get the idea. They’re accepting if you can prove to them you’re healthy with a healthy lifestyle, but until then, they assume you’re addicted to cheeseburgers and never get out and move around. Trust me, I live there. It gets pretty bad, but as a small fat with a healthy lifestyle, I can say I’ve experienced the more “Fat accepting” side of these people as well. Of course, not until/unless I mention my healthy lifestyle and explain it to them.



If I was thin, I would have been able to really enjoy my brother’s graduation. If I was thin, people would have talked to me without me trying to force small talk to try to get to know his peers (Who have ZERO interest in knowing ME, and would probably want to know me if I WAS thin). If I was thin, the student speeches wouldn’t have made me feel so awkward when they mentioned weight loss as a “Positive side effect to doing Yoga”. If I was thin, my grabbing a second plate of food would NOT have been a problem with everyone who looked at me. And if I was thin, I can guarantee that woman would not have made that “HA!” at my expensive because she heard me utter the words “I want a slice of cheesecake”.



In a community that claimed over and over again that they were fully open and accepting of all people, I really and truly felt like the odd one out, and well… NOT accepted.



I guess I’m overreacting a bit, but I digress. I can shake off my own thoughts and the Yoga speeches, but I can’t shake off the reactions I got from the entire room when I went for seconds at the pot luck. Especially that “HA!”. That fucking ruined my night.

Mod response:

I wasn’t there, but I’m very sure you weren’t imagining it. Yoga communities are very well known for being fatphobic, as are vegan communities. (So is Portland, from what I understand. I’m just up the coast in Seattle.) Fortunately, if you’re fat and want to try yoga, there are now classes out there specifically for fatties. The one I sometimes attend here is called ”Yoga for Round Bodies“. I don’t know what might be in PDX, but maybe a reader does. Or, if you want to try a video, I highly recommend Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia. Megan is fat herself, and has both much larger and much smaller than herself in the video to demonstrate the poses. She shows variations of poses that take into account knees and backs and other bad joints, and she talks about how to grab your fat and move it out of the way. It’s a great video for beginners and intermediate students. My brother, who is also a yoga instructor, gave it to me for the major winter gift-giving excuse, and he also recommends it highly.

I’m sorry you had such a shitty time there. I do yoga, but I cannot imagine ever getting involved in the local community because of precisely the behavior you’re talking about.

-MG