Hello folks,

I realize I haven’t posted in a while… I haven’t felt too motivated lately. There are a few things I would like to share now, however.

For one, I had my second appointment with the general counselor on campus. Though it didn’t go badly at all, I ended up leaving early because I simply ran out of things to talk about. I feel like I’m at a static point in this process; I understand what I need to do, but I’m not sure I have the means to do so, right now. There’s not really much I need to “talk out” with my counselor. I understand that I need to talk to my dad about everything. I understand that I need to see a Gender Therapist in order to get this process rolling. I understand that being educated on the risks, benefits, side-effects, costs, etc. of hormones, surgery, and transitioning in general is wildly important. I understand that this process is not one to capriciously rush into or treat lightly. I also feel that I already possess a fairly comprehensive understanding of what’s ahead, though I still often attempt to learn more. I have another appointment about three weeks from now, so we’ll see if I can come up with things to discuss.

I’m not too comfortable with telling my dad and other friends yet, but I don’t see this as immediately necessary. If taking hormones and surgery isn’t going to happen soon, there’s no rush in telling them.

The problem now is money. I still need to do some insurance research, but chances are nothing will be covered 100%, if at all. Like most college students, money isn’t something I possess in excess. I’m aiming for some high-paying summer jobs to remedy this situation… but then again, who isn’t.

Right now, I would just like to get out of this “middle” stage. People that know me are aware that I’m biologically female. People that don’t know me aren’t so sure, and tend to guess either way (though guys I don’t know usually perceive me as male more often than not). Today, a girl walked into the bathroom just as I was walking out. She looked extremely startled when she saw me, saying “Oh, Jesus!” She muttered something and started to turn back towards the door. She then paused, and proceeded to walk back into the bathroom. While I don’t think she thought anything negatively, it seemed pretty obvious that she had initially thought she had entered the wrong restroom. I don’t want to do this to people… I don’t want to create situations that make others feel awkward or uncomfortable. I just want to be who I feel I should be. I don’t want to be stuck in a halfway point.

Perhaps this is a good thing, however. It gives me more time to process everything. If I ever decide transitioning is no longer something I want, I will certainly have plenty of time to halt the process, though I don’t anticipate this happening. It also gives my mom more time to think everything over. And, as I won’t be graduating until next Spring, transitioning may be easier when starting at a new school in a year and a half.

In addition, I’ve been wearing my compression tank top more often lately, and I can’t believe how much more comfortable it makes me. Yes, it’s tight, it’s hard to breathe sometimes, and I spend 80% of the day tugging the bottom down because it keeps sliding up… but I feel so much more confident when walking down the halls at school, talking to friends, etc. Nobody’s mentioned anything (not that I expected they would) because my chest is fairly small as it is, but it still feels incredible. I can wear all of the shirts that I felt uncomfortable in before, because they no longer show my chest. Overall, it feels so right. I can’t wait for the day when I won’t need a stretchy shirt to make me feel that comfortable.

feel free to send questions, comments, criticism, or anything else you can imagine to my email at maxcooper.blog@gmail.com.

As always, thank you for reading.