4 reasons why bringing children should not continue to be the default setting

How do you maneuver a discussion about an issue at the core of human evolution? My experience is one with a mixture of patience, learning, frustration and hostility.

Here’s how a typical one of those pulse-quickening discussions usually goes: I say something way too straightforward like “I will never bring children to this world” and the other person’s silent bewilderment at my remark reminds me how an issue at the core of our species’ survival prompts little or no though from my fellow humans.

Moments after the awkward silence, I’m usually faced with a question of “why?” Which I usually answer with a counter question of “why would I?”

My (smug) reply often triggers a discussion (with various degrees of hostility) about why we do it. The discussion sometimes involves one or more of several “grand concepts” like what it means to be human, species preservation, global warming, evolutionary psychology, etc. But more often, the discussion boils down to simpler (or perhaps more complicated) concepts of family, love, care, and companionship.

When you first start having this discussion with people the first thing you realize is how little people actually think about this. Apart from a small segment of “metropolitan liberals”, it’s almost universally accepted that you grow up, start a family, and bring children.

The second thing you realize, (especially when talking to people who have children) is how rewarding the experience is for them. It’s often described as one of the biggest joys in the world. Parents describe to me how watching those cute little buggers play is “definitely worth it”, even with all the responsibilities and the sleepless nights. Watching this little creature grow up from a helpless lump, slowly gaining awareness, walking and talking, and gradually gaining the strength to become a fully developed human is probably the most meaningful experience in a persons life.

A few parents even confessed to me (with little regret) that bringing children is probably a selfish thing to do. It’s something they really want and enjoy, but the little future human was never asked about his opinion before being forced in to the world.

This idea was the exact point which triggered my journey of questioning a few years ago. At the heart of the debate in my head were two competing arguments, one about the merits of bringing children, versus another about how much of who we are is forced upon us before we are forced into life. You see many parents excited to bring those little “bundles of joy”, but giving little consideration to the fact that those little things are actually humans in the making, who will eventually grow up and have to struggle through life like the rest of us.

The simple answer people have for this question (when they think about it) is this: yes it’s a selfish pleasure for parents but it’s also giving the gift of life, with it’s joys and wonders, to this “new” human. Also, most parents usually go out of their way to prepare their kids for the future, to the best of their ability. It is also necessary for the survival of our species (not to mention social and economic continuity). At the end of the day, humans walked the earth for generations and they managed just fine.

But here’s the thing, life is full of joys and wonders, but it’s also full of extreme challenges and pain. The parents’ best ability to prepare children for the future is often not enough. At this point in time, human survival is not an issue, the true issue is rather extreme population growth, and the damage humans are inflicting to their environment, and themselves. And although humans managed “just fine” through their history, the civilization we built was at huge cost of wars, famine, division, repressive politics, and the damaging waste. It will take decades if not centuries for us to plow through out of the mud (more on that later).

The 4 Reasons Why

Before going through the reasons, I would like to establish two things as facts. Not arguments, but undebatable facts.

First, life is not fair. A huge part of our life is decided on our behalf before we come to life. Not only our name, but also nationality, religion, what kind of family, how rich is that family, which national laws and taxes we obey, culture, etc are all decided before a child is born. Also how smart, how beautiful, how strong our bodies and how susceptible are we to genetic diseases are decided by our genes. It’s a big ugly game of poker, some get better hands than others, folding is not an option, and it’s up to you what you make with your hand.

Second, when you bring a child to the world, you are responsible for supporting them through life until the end. No excuses. Period. They didn’t ask to come to life. It was you who took that decision and it’s your responsibility to support them until they die. They reciprocate by taking care of you as well, but it’s more out of love, respect, and cultural harmony.

First reason: Genetics

The basic and most important question on people’s mind when their child comes to life: “is he in a perfect condition with no disabilities?”. Thankfully most children are born healthy. But imagine that pain of watching your child suffer physically and psychologically because of a disability that’s not their fault.

And even when the child is healthy, health issues we are born with continue to haunt us for the rest of our life. One out of three people will get some sort of cancer in their lifetime. Not all deadly or even dangerous of course. But it’s on top of the list of so many diseases and illnesses we will suffer through at some point in our life.

Besides a healthy child, genetics play an even bigger (however some times unnoticeable) role. Brushing past the nature vs. nurture debate, it’s a fact that a huge part of who we are is coded in our genes. And it continues with us for the rest of our life. Can you guarantee that your child is going to be born smart or dump. Will they be good looking? Many social psychology studies show that better looking people are perceived to be more competent and have a better chance at a job interview. And that’s only the beginning of how genetic features affects the social life of people.

Of course some people succeed despite a bad hand of genetics, just like many others succeed because of a good hand. But in my opinion it’s one good reason not to take the risk.

A day might come when we can modify the genes of our off-springs to eliminate the possibility of diseases and ensure smarter, stronger person. That is a far off dream however, and complicated even more by what we call ethical and moral arguments.

Second reason: Family

And that’s the second part of the “nature vs. nurture” argument. Can you insure a good nurturing and educational environment to help kick-start your child towards a better life?

The current system works in two interconnected cycles. The first one is the money, job, education cycle. To get a good job, you need a good education (and upbringing). To support this education and good upbringing you need money. But to get the money you need a job. And here’s where the second circle interlocks with this one. You care for a child when they’re young, and you expect your child to care for you when they become stronger.

Without the parents help at the nurturing stage, the child doesn’t stand a chance at later stages. This support is financial, but also just as importantly, mental and psychological.

It goes without saying, those two circles are no longer working together flawlessly at this day and age.

Moreover, millions (literally) are born every day to families who don’t have what it takes to support their children through life. And I’m not only talking about Africa or other developing countries, but also in many parts of the developed world. That’s not to mention children born in war zones or extreme poverty.

Bottom line: If you are not financially and mentally prepared to support your child all the way until they can depend on themselves, just don’t even think about it. And even if you do, think about the country and the circumstances they will be born into.

Third reason: Nationalism, Religion, and the likes.

Speaking of countries, no one chooses where they are born. It’s pure genetic coincidence that some are born in wealthy countries while others are born in a gulag.

It’s one big shameful spot in human evolution that we decided to divide earth into countries, with arbitrary boarders, and decided that whoever is born into one spot on earth is stuck with their lot. If you later decide that you want to change, maybe because you don’t agree with your country’s laws, or you want to seek a better life somewhere else, or more importantly because you need to escape repression or prosecution, tough luck.

Of course we all know people who managed to change (usually at a great cost and/or risk), but we also know (about) thousands of people who die trying, and millions suffering in their place without a change to try. The immigrant crisis from Syria and Iraq is the latest and most visible example, but many, many others are lurking in the backyard of our collective human consciousness. People who live in dire situations in Africa, South East Asia, The Caribbean, to name a few, are not even “newsworthy” in today’s standards.

And here’s the irony, those people bring a lot of children. It’s seems to be the cultural norm everyone follows without questioning that you should bring a lot of children. Other parts of the wealthy world like Scandinavia are begging their citizens to bring more children as their societies age and the workforce diminishes.

The human population is not shrinking, and it doesn’t need anybody’s help to bring children for our species to survive. it’s actually growing at a staggering rate expected to reach 11.2 billion by the end of the century (from 7.3 billion now). It’s just growing inconsistently in the wrong places.

I guess it’s obvious what I think the solution is, but that is just wishful thinking. Even in the developed world we have reached a tipping point where nationalism is on the rise. Recent political events from Trump, to Brexit, to China, to Venezuela, to Catalan and Kurdish independence movements, just to name a few, throw conventional ideas about how societies should sensibly work against the wall. The world is not moving towards more openness any time soon.

Instead of bringing a child of your own, why not adopt a child from a different part of the world who really needs your help. Of course you might miss the feeling of continuity, that this child doesn’t have your genes or extends your family. But you will have the meaningful experience of raising a child while at the same time helping a fellow human out. At the end of the day, it was only pure chance you were born into better circumstances, not into the arms of chaos.

A side note on religion:

The latest liberal thinking on religion is that it’s a personal freedom. It’s up to you to chose to believe in whatever, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, insinuating violence, or forcing others to follow your belief system. And that’s fine, until children are added to the problem. Parents often force their children into their religion with impunity.

Religious people will probably lash back at me for saying this. So here’s a little trick to help them out: whatever your region, imagine how people of other religions force their religion into their children. I bet you think that’s wrong now (insert wink emoji)

Forth reason: Our Abused Little Planet

It’s almost ironic for humans to study how intrusive species interact with their new environment, often to a detrimental effect, while humans are the ones who brought along those new species. It’s even more ironic that humans are the most dangerous intrusive species who roamed this plant.

We wasted and we polluted our environment almost to the point of no return. Temperatures are rising, CO2 levels in the atmosphere are the highest ever, as well as sea levels. Global warming is amplifying the effects of natural disasters. Pesticide overuse is dangerously close to breaking down many food chains, and Antibiotic overuse will lead to a resistance tipping point soon. By 2050 there will be more plastic in the oceans than fish. By 2050 our population will grow from the current 7.3 billion to 9.7 billion and then to 11.2 billion by the end of the century.

Let’s face it, we are handing the future generation a planet in a terrible shape. They will fight over food and other sources, they will have to cope with more natural disasters, they will have to find new land when sea levels rise to cover major cities.

An optimist, no doubt, will hope that future generation’s problems will be solved by scientific advances and a collective return to common sense. That’s highly unlikely in my opinion.

Looking at the status of the world now, it’s almost impossible to imagine a scenario when humans will dump their differences, open up their borders for people and products to flow as necessary, and together cooperate to reverse the mess we made of the world. In fact, a more likely scenario is a world more closer than ever, with few privileged communities and others left behind, all fighting for resources.

That’s enough reason not bring more children into this mess. But more importantly, it will force the world toward more openness as wealthy places with low birth rates are forced to accept immigrants from other parts to support their economy. There’s evidence of that happening already in some parts of Europe.

Conclusion

Most people grow up with a default plan of building a family and bringing children. My argument is that (at least) it should be treated as the exception, not the rule. People should only bring children in the right circumstances, not bring their offsprings and think later, or hope for the best.

It kills me to see parents who want to bring children because they are those little cute things they play with. We often forget that children aren’t just those cute little bundles of joy, but they will grow up to be humans in their own rights. They will become Tracy from Accounting, or that noisy neighbor, or that homeless guy, or that politician, or that fat guy on the bus.

Who should “maybe” consider it? If you think you have good genes to pass along, you’re financially capable of supporting a child all the way to adulthood, you’re sufficiently educated to mentally support your child’s upbringing, you live in a safe and stable environment with good life standards, you will give your child the “right” passport, and you will raise him with the full awareness of everything that’s wrong with the current human condition, and empower him to be a force for good, then maybe, just maybe, you can think about it.

Even then, adopting a child is a much more noble approach, without the risk of being responsible for another human’s suffering.

Unfortunately, people often over estimate their mental abilities, have a biased idea about themselves, have an overly optimistic perception of their financial situation, and rarely think about the future. The collective attitude seems to be: “I managed my life just fine, and so will my children”.

If you don’t have what it takes, please use protection, and don’t procreate.