Aries: You’re going to get kind of angry about something today. But then you’ll feel better later on. And at some point, you’ll be kinda bummed.

Taurus: Breathing. You’ll do it.

Gemini: You’re going to hear a piece of good news today. It might be small, it might be big, but it’ll definitely be something.

Cancer: Be wary, there are those who have it out for you. Today is a day that the other signs will try and screw you over, though their means may be subtle.

Leo: You’re a shit person.

Virgo: Use today to mentally prepare yourself. Because tomorrow, you’re worst fears are going to come true.

Libra: Guess what! You did it, Christina! You aced that test you were so nervous about. Good job! And if you’re not Christina, send a message to her congratulating her. She really studied hard, and deserves all the praise she can get. Today’s Libra horoscope was only for Christina, the rest of you gotta figure out your own day today.

Scorpio: Be careful not to get yourself into sticky situations. It can be hard to get out of them, and take a long time. Don’t let the troubles of the day make you go down, and make sure not to choke on your tumescent responsibilities. Am I using that word right? Pretty sure I am.

Sagittarius:

Capricorn: Te vas a despertar mañana. Cepíllate los dientes, prepárate para el día. Levantarse de la cama. Luego haz algo que hayas hecho antes, aunque de manera ligeramente diferente. Esto continuará durante el día, hasta que tenga sueño, y eventualmente cierre los ojos. No se abrirán de nuevo.

Aquarius: Avoid stairs

Pisces: See yesterday’s horoscope