Women are known to be a specie on their own, but understanding the Lebanese among them has proven to be more difficult than dismantling an atomic bomb while standing drunk on 1 foot inside a ship struck by a typhoon in the middle of the Bermuda triangle & getting instructions over the phone from a Chinese speaking bomb expert.

If you are a man taking a peek at this article, chances are you’re tired of trying to unravel the universe of women and the headache that goes with it.

As your brother in arms, I recognize your agony; after all, hitting on Lebanese ladies is a daunting task that might leave you with an empty pocket, shattered ego and a jar of Vaseline next to your bed.

For that I have sacrificed countless years from my youth and developed this dating bible to serve a great cause for my gender

I know you’re skeptical and reserved about this guide Bro. The human race landed on the moon, reconstructed the big bang, brought to light the Theory of evolution and where the fuck we came from…..but still hasn’t figured out what women want & how to deal with them.

Nevertheless, I want you to firmly believe that my tips are a universal breakthrough which are gonna grant you the key to understanding women and navigating your relationship. If you doubt that fact then you’re not ready to accept my priceless gift and in all likelihood you have a vagina.

In my lifetime I’ve made a reputation for not letting go of my bros. So once you get back to your common sense, grab a bottle of wine, hold on to your seat and get ready for a roller coaster ride of sheer madness into the world of dating Lebanese women:

PICKING UP

Your testosterones are racing in your system faster than the final lap of a Formula 1 Grand Prix. But before you dive in, your pick up move should be well planned and calculated.

1) Venues

A/ Bars / Clubs (a clear No go)

Long gone are the days where you could pick up girls at the bar. The countless hours of watching Barney Stinson hitting on women at the neighborhood pub drowned you in a lake of fallacies. Clubs and pubs in Lebanon are not made for mingling like in “How I met your Mother”. These places serve to meet your own friends, drink into oblivion while telling each others the same jokes since high school then fight over who picks up the bill. Lot of men fall into what’s known as the “Facebook trap” where a girl’s profile portrays her as a happy, open, social and risk taking person. Often times boys are over excited when they read feminine description like “Carpe Diem” “YOLO” & “Im an outgoing person who loves to laugh, dance and meet new people” but once they approach her at the bar she transforms into a nasty version of Optimus Prime from Cybertron. Another technique used by chicks is known as “The Beiruti Bitch Shield” which some experts consider it to be less penetrable than the 300 Spartan warrior’s diamond formation. Mobile technology like Whatsapp, BBM and some half a million app comes to add to the armada of the female defensive system as they are used to convey a “fuck off im not interested” attitude when that bimbo shoves her face into that little screen all night long (because apparently her virtual entourage is more “happening” than the physical one)

So as you can see, it is simply easier to walk into Mordor and shag Sauron than go into a club and say hi to a woman. For that I suggest you start reducing your nocturnal outings and start spending your time in the below suggested places

B/ Supermarkets

To be successful you need to approach women when their wall-of-china-sized bitch shield is at its lowest. For decades women around the world have been known to cure their dramas, depressions and low self esteem with sky high calorie dosed medicine known as ice cream. This is where the supermarket presents itself as a godsend location. As you go in, head straight to the ice cream aisle, choose your target and compliment her as she’s consulting Dr Ben & Jerry’s. All you need to do is to boost her morale by telling her that she looks great, that you like cats and that in the end, world peace is gonna prevail. You’ll see that the attraction is instant.

NOTE: Not all the supermarket aisles are good for the game. You should try to stay away from the Household items section. The last thing you need is to meet a gorgeous woman with a pile of toilet paper in her shopping cart. You run the risk of being in a shitty situation. Literally.

C/ Libraries & Book Shops

Sometimes you might find it useful to familiarize yourself with a couple of books other than Kamasutra and Playboy: The complete centerfolds.

Lebanese chicks dig intellectual men.

It’s true that a lot of them have an IQ a little bit higher than the room temperature, but in some rare occasions you might bump into a few who still hide a couple of brain cells under their hairdo. And as you might have guessed it already, your chances of catching one of these soon-to-be-extinguished compatriots, increases significantly around Bookstores. But before you run to Virgin or Librairie Antoine, make sure you have some book titles under your belt to display your cultured and intellectual persona. My advice is to go for some brainy and donnish titles to portrait your sophistication. Try to read John W. Trimmer’s best seller “How to avoid huge ships” or Kathleen Meyer’s acclaimed book “How to shit in the woods”. In case you’re looking for something more deep, leaf through a book called “Games you can play with your pussy: and lots of other stuff cat owners should know” or alternatively you could pick up “Be Bold with Bananas”.

These recommendations are guaranteed to make you sound like a Neo Lebanese Shakespeare and will give you enough confidence to approach women, start a clever conversation and make them fall in love with your character like greased lightening.

D/ Lingerie Shops

This move is not for the faint of heart. Although intimate apparel shops are considered the DisneyLand of bachelors around the world, you’ve got to have the skills of an actor and the cojones of a wrecking ball to enter this place. As you coyote your way into the shop, make sure you put on a face of a lost and confused baby.

Women have instinctual nurturing tendencies stamped all over their DNA. So as soon as they see you walking around dazed in their feminine world, they will approach you and instantly offer their help. Women appreciate the courage of a man who’s diving into the unknown to buy a gift for his fictitious girlfriend. As a reward they will do their best to teach you the ins and outs of this hidden cult and reveal the long kept secret of Victoria. Remember to always ask for a live training on how to unbuckle a bra with one hand or a live demonstration of cup sizes chart.

2) What to wear (Fashion)

Lebanese women are far from being superficial. But since half of them have blood ties with Christian Dior and the rest work in the fashion industry in some sort, sporting the right style could be a big winner for you. It’s not really hard to deliver a sharp look. It’s a simple color matching exercise. All you have to do is conform the shoe color with the belt, the socks with the shirt, the pants with the sunglasses, the boxers with the jacket and the credit card with the car. Remember, Lebanese women are not materialistic. Not at all. However, a $500K Patek Philippe is a $500K Patek Philippe. So grace your wrist with one to expose your personality and help her assess the sweet natured man of cheerful disposition that you are. Now I know some of the sports casual looking people might object the idea of wearing expensive jewelry – which requires a degree in mechanical engineering to understand and takes more time to design than to get a college degree – for fear of looking too much of a “Try Hard”. In that case you can replace the watch by putting on dog tags made of 2 platinum credit cards around your neck, for a bad ass “Top Gun” look.

3) Pick Up Lines and Conversations

Unless you look like Brad Pitt with pockets deeper than Hariri, pick up lines like “Hey cucumber what’s your number” or “Hey are you from Jamaica? Coz you’re Jamaican me crazy” wont be effective. Pick up lines are so 1980. So try to stay away from these cheesy routines. Lebanese chicks are highly educated social predators. Their international lifestyle and travels around the world gave them deep and profound exposure into a large range of big topics from Finance, Art, Philosophy and Sociology… all the way to the Science explaining why a simple pair of red bottom high heels costs more than the GDP of Burkina Faso. So when you approach them it is important to forget about Kobe Bryant and Lionel Messi for a second. These names wont get you pussy even from a dead cat. If you’re really aiming for the jackpot you gotta compromise and start familiarizing yourself with words like Blahnik Manolo and Christian Leboutin. Trust me dude, all the romantic poems in the world wont even match the impact of a simple compliment you give to a chick on the LeBoutin she’s wearing….

….unless off course your poem recites:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

My Ferrari is parked outside

Wanna come with me Boo?

DATING

Congrats Bro you made it to the next level. Now that you’re dating a Lebanese Girl and stepping with one foot into hell, you need to arm yourself with some knowledge and tips which will slow down your fall into Armageddon

1) Ring Ring

Once you secure your first date with your girl, make sure to call your bank and ask them to transfer your yearly salary to MTC or Alpha mobile theft-o-rators. You see, when you were still living in bachelorville, communicating with your pals over the phone used to be simple, short & concise. “Ring Ring – Meet me in Gemayze in 30 minutes – Hang Up” or “Ring Ring – Sorry bro im gonna be late – Hang up” or even “Ring Ring – Move your ass bro, club is on fire. tons of chicks – Hang up”.

Well, Concise No more!! Now that you willingly decided to move into a relationship, you are expected to give an after midnight call for 4 hours to listen to why Toutsi the cat is sick. Beware that chatting on Whatsapp or BBM all day long does not replace the 6 hour daily call according to the international laws of relationships. Additionally you would need to place yourself on standby mode as her personal GPS assistant to give her direction when she’s in the middle of nowhere.

2) Bloody Hell

The last thing my Grand Father shared with me on his dying bed was that the difference between a terrorist and a woman having her PMS is that you can negotiate with a terrorist. Since that moment, I lived everyday abiding by this rule. From that point on, you outta know that it’s your responsibility to avoid any interaction with the opposite gender during this one week of blood stream. The management of this blog, its friends, future sponsors and potential business affiliates would like to stress on that tip and clarify that they bare no legal liability in case you decide to do otherwise. You’re on your own buddy. It is crucial to disappear when your girl is on PMS coz she is going to FUBAR (fuck u beyond any recognition) your miserable life. Im talking about a week long of bloodshed wars, probably the bloodiest in all what this word carries in its literal sense. Be extremely careful since in that week, Logic becomes a principle known only to Greek philosophers, and any verbal communication will be more terrifying than brawling with Mike Tyson. Just disappear motha fucker. Dis A ppear!

3) The Notion of Time

Time in Lebanon represents nothing but a mere accessory that matches the color of her tank top. It is just a posh reason to buy a Rolex. Nothing more. Don’t blame it all on your girl. Women are genetically engineered to perceive time differently from men. Say you agree to pick her up at 7pm sharp. For a guy it means being in your car in front of her house at 6:55pm sharp. For a woman it means moving out of bed to take a shower at 7:05pm. So the next time you agree on a time to pick her up for dinner, make sure to bring with you J K Rowling’s entire fantasy series and keep yourself busy while waiting in front of her house in your car as she finishes from her 3 hour Crayola Gang Bang on her face.

4) Lies

One of men’s greatest historical allies is the ability to lie. No matter how decent of a man you might think you are, lying will save your ass every time guaranteed. You worked so hard to bag yourself this piece of ass you call Girlfriend, so to keep your relationship healthy you need to keep her happy and consequently lie some “few” times. Here is why. Women lives revolves around their weight. Watch 10 minutes of “Sex & The City” and you’ll understand that if your girl had the choice between gaining 200 grams or going blind, you would probably be shopping for a guide dog and a white cane. After grasping this idea, your duty in this relation would be to always tell her that she looks thin. Even when you think she’s rolling like a cement truck. Every time she feels down, every time she wears something new, every time she asks you if she’s fat, if her ass is big….you’ll have one consistent lie: “you look so thin”. Four simple deceptive words that would halt World War 3 from breaking out and buy you eternal peace of mind.

5) Sex

Oh boy…where do I start! This topic needs an entire Blog dedicated to it with hourly post updates. So to keep it short, continue doing your homework on YouPorn.com. Just remember three essential things: 1.Use protection. The last thing you need is to spend your Saturdays shopping for a baby stroller. 2. Always delete your Browser’s History. 3.That Monster Drill they used in the Anal sex scenes was done by professionals. So don’t try it at home. Please!

DUMPING

So your relationship was a journey to hell where you spent every waking moment desperately trying to stop your fate from sprinting into this infernal end. By this time you’re probably at a stage where you’re auctioning for a gun on eBay and seriously contemplating the idea of kissing Beirut goodbye. Since singing REM’s “Every Body Hurts” to you sounds too gay, I’d rather keep it macho and think it out like men do. Breaking up is not an easy task to accomplish. It is like walking on a tight rope over a swamp of fresh boiling Lava. But if you execute it carefully you will walk away from this incident with minor bruises. Normally you will have a choice among 4 different breaking up methods: Over the Phone. In an email. Changing your relationship status on Facebook. Face to Face.

While all 4 methods are considered legit, experience has taught me that the Face to Face option is relatively the safest…unless you can take refuge in a fortified safe room in your house with walls and doors reinforced by sheets of steel, Kevlar and bullet proof fiberglass, then you can give the 3 other options a try.

As you go into the Face to Face death match, make sure you remove all sharp objects around you. This is not to be taken lightly. Use sentences like “you deserve better than me” “I want the best for you” “There is nothing wrong with you, it’s just me trying to fight my demons” and most importantly “You look so thin”.

She’ll generally cry for two hours or maybe half a day then probably stomp to Bouza Bachir or Patchi Chocolate Outlet to drown her sorrows.

For the next couple of weeks make sure you seclude yourself from society and refrain from showing any signs of happiness or breathing on Facebook or Twitter.

After this mandatory hermitic period, you regain your freedom and your status of eligible bachelor on the dating scene.

Beirut, I love your daughters in all their shapes, moods and hair color and for that you will always be forgiven

Disclaimer:

My Lawyer helped me carefully pen down this article. So for all the women advocacy groups, feminist activists, gender equality organizations, please address all your queries and comments to him. He’s tall, dark and likes to cuddle. Be forewarned though; he charges by the hour.