Alright, guys – I’m back again after my latest disappearing act…

Or maybe it was actually an appearing act?

I mean, I did manage to make two brand new human beings appear out of thin air – like that cheesy old rabbit trick. Except, y’know, they didn’t come out of a hat, they came out of my… Well, I’ll spare you all the gory details.

It’s only been a little over a month since my little Remus and River were born, and I’ve already decided that being a mother is the most frustrating, amazing, exhausting, incredible job I will ever have in my entire life.

I never knew something could be so terrible and so wonderful at the same time.

But honestly? The ‘wonderful’ outweighs the ‘terrible’. By a lot.

And even though it’s only been a month, I feel like I’ve already sat through the crash-course of Parenting 101. So that’s what I’ve decided today’s post will be about – the top five lessons I’ve learned from being a parent.

*clears throat dramatically*

I now present Parenting 101, as taught by Professor Clara Klein, B.S. (that stands for bullshit, by the way)

Lesson One: Sometimes your kid cries, and sometimes you have absolutely no idea how to make them stop.

Babies are essentially capable of five things – Pooping, eating, crying, sleeping, and looking cute as shit (the last two are my personal favorites). But when it comes to the third one, I’m starting to figure out that there are times when they just won’t stop.

Florian and I don’t have that issue much with Remi, but River… God, some days it drives me fucking crazy how much she cries. Colic, the doctor says. Which is a fancy way of saying that even though she’s healthy, she will scream and cry her little head off for hours. And there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

She just won’t let up, no matter how long we rock her or how many times we try to change her diaper or how often I try shoving my boob in her mouth.

It’s frustrating. It’s annoying. It’s upsetting. Florian and I struggle a lot…It’s awful to see your child so upset, and being powerless to help. But sometimes, there’s just nothing you can do but wait it out.

Lesson Two: Being away from your kid sucks. Like, really sucks.

So, with all the screaming and crying (and shitting. OMG you have no idea) you’d think it would be a relief to have someone take those little suckers off our hands for a few hours, right?

Wrong.

It is scary as HELL to leave your kids with someone else. To trust someone else to take care of them. To not be there to hold them and keep them safe. It sucks. Seriously.

And God, you miss them more than you ever thought you would, right up until the moment you can hold them again.

I seriously never thought I’d be writing something so goddamn cheesy and cliché about being a parent. But it’s true, unfortunately. The longest I’ve been away from them so far is about three hours (more than once… House-hunting takes way more time and leg-work than you’d think!), but every time, it feels like the longest three hours of my life.

I’m sure it gets easier with time… At least, I really freaking hope it does! I mean, these little suckers have gotta move out someday, right?

Lesson Three: Becoming a parent means you start worrying way too much about the stupidest little shit.

Okay, so like, as a general rule, I’m not much of a worrier. Or at least, I’m a selective worrier. About 90% of the time, I’m pretty calm about stuff. And the whole time I was pregnant, I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t change. I decided I’d be one of those super-chill, hands-off parents who doesn’t freak out over the tiniest hiccup or burp or tear.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that plan was thrown out the window the second my kids came out of me. And Florian’s even worse than I am… Back when we were in the hospital, he was asking the doctor every five minutes if things were okay, and if it was normal for the babies’ hearts to be beating that quickly, or their breathing to sound like that… He seriously didn’t shut up once.

And as much as I rolled my eyes at him, I was secretly wondering the exact same things (Whoops, he’s probably reading this. Sorry, babe). I guess I just can’t help it. These little human beings are literally a piece of me. They’re my whole world now. And all I want is for them to be okay. Is that so terrible?

I’m gonna assume the answer is “as long as you don’t keep this up past the time they’re out of diapers”. Which is reasonable, right? I mean at some point, your kid moves on from being a soft little crying lump and actually becomes a person. A person capable of making their own mistakes and decisions without being freaking smothered by their parents.

I’ve known a few people in my time who worry WAY too much about the choices their kids make (totally not pointing any fingers here, but these people know who they are…). And I pray to the Old Gods and the New that I never do that to my kids.

But who knows how I’ll feel someday if I’m in that kind of situation? I mean, when I look at my babies now, they’re just so small and innocent and helpless… What if I never stop seeing them that way?

But then, does any parent ever really stop? (Ooh, look at me! I’m getting all deep! Totally earning that B.S…)

Lesson Four: You will sacrifice a lot for your kid. And sometimes that will make you miserable. But you do it anyway.

Okay, so I’ll be honest… It’s not like I had much of a social life anyway before I had these kids. Like I’ve always said, I’m essentially a hermit.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t like to have a little fun. I love listening to music, watching movies, playing video games, writing amazing blog posts for all you lovely people… And I even leave the house every now and then, when the mood strikes. I love going out and getting into crazy shenanigans with Lena, or hanging out backstage at Florian’s gigs…

But guess what? I barely have time for any of that shit anymore. And neither does my fiancé. Hell, I don’t know if Florian’s even touched his keyboard since before the twins were born.

And I really don’t think we’d have it any other way.

We’ve had to change our entire lives for these kids, and given up a lot of what used to make us happy… So that they can be happy.

Now, does that mean Florian’s never gonna play another gig again? Does it mean I’ll never get to hang out with my best friend? Of course not. Once we get the hang of this parenting thing, we’ll figure out a good balance. But until we do, we have a choice to make – who comes first? Us, or them?

The answer’s obvious, isn’t it?

Lesson Five: You will mess up and make mistakes. But no one is perfect.

This might be both the hardest and most important lesson of all. Parents fuck up. Some more often than others.

Like I said, sometimes you can’t even make your kid stop crying. Or sometimes you could make them stop, but you do the wrong thing. Maybe they needed a bottle but you tried rocking them. Maybe you fed them but they really had a nasty diaper. You do the wrong thing. You mess up.

And sometimes you’re the reason they cry in the first place. Maybe you accidentally slam the bedroom door and startle them. Maybe you fuck up while you’re giving them a bath and get soap in their eyes. Even if you don’t mean to, sometimes you’ll hurt them.

And you’re gonna feel like absolute shit when you do.

But don’t worry.

Because as long as you still love them, they’ll still love you right back (even if they’re too busy crying and fussing to show it).

Maybe they can’t exactly tell you they forgive you. And maybe it takes a while before they calm down enough to do it… But trust me. They will.

It’s that thought that’s kept me going on the rough days.

And who knows, maybe it really is total BS…

But when I look at those sweet little faces, I’m willing to believe it.

Aw, FUCK.

I totally said this wasn’t gonna turn into a Mommy Blog.

And that is exactly what this post was, wasn’t it?

Part of me is re-reading this and feeling ready to press the delete button… But screw it. I spent way too much time writing all this shit to get rid of it.

But I swear to God, next time NO baby talk. You guys will get a review of the new Elder Scrolls game, okay? I’m really getting the hang of handling the controller while I’ve got a baby latched onto my boob.

See? Balance. 🙂

I’ll just have to be sure I apply that to my future blog posts too 😉

– C