

YOU HAVE COMPLETED A GREAT GAME. AND PROOVED THE JUSTICE OF OUR CULTURE. What it's from: Ghostbusters

The context: You beat the game.

Comments: Despite the bold claims put forth in its ending, Ghostbusters was not a great game. And due to a programming error that lets you resell the Ghost Alarm more than its worth, Ghostbusters isn't even a challenging game, it's a just bland, tedious mess. Still, the game's conglaturatory message raises an interesting question: whose culture did we proove the justice of? The Ghostbusters live in New York, so perhaps it's referring to American culture. The game was released in multiple countries, so perhaps it means world culture. But more likely than not, it's referring to Japanese culture. The game was coded and proofread by Japanese programmers, after all. And really, what better way was there for the Japanese to get revenge for Hiroshima and Nagasaki than to take one of the most popular American movies of the 1980s and turn it into a terrible video game. If that's not cultural justice, I don't know what is.

OH BOY! MARK SOUP! What it's from: Monster Party

The context: You encounter Snake Man in the game's final level.

Comments: The great thing about this quote is that it doesn't make any sense if you enter the room as Bert the Dragon instead of Mark the Useless, as I have done in the screenshot featured above. Actually, it doesn't make any sense regardless. Of all the things for an evil pharaoh with a giant head to say, "OH BOY! MARK SOUP!" is about as non sequitur as it gets. I don't recall any pharaohs who were famous soup enthusiasts and given the caliber of Monster Party, something along the lines of "HAVE YOU SEEN MY MUMMY?" would have been a lot more apropos. I dunno, maybe Snake Man is hoping Mark will serve him some man chowder.

TAKE ANY ONE YOU WANT. What it's from: The Legend of Zelda

The context: You encounter an old man who offers you a choice, an extra heart on your life meter or a healing potion.

Comments: This is a fun little test that will conclusively determine whether or not you deserve the privilege of living. Here's your question: You're playing the original Zelda game on the Nintendo Entertainment System, and you stumble upon a secret cave. Inside the cave is an old man. The old man has two items, and he offers to give you one for free. The first item is a magic healing potion. The healing potion will fully replenish your life meter, but it will disappear after two uses. The second item is a Heart Container. The Heart Container will permanently add an extra heart onto your life meter, increasing the total amount of damage that you can survive. Which item do you take?



A. The magic healing potion

B. The Heart Container If you selected A, the item which is easily purchased at other points throughout the game instead of B, the item which can only be obtained from the old man, then YOU FUCKING FAIL. You are stupid and worthless. I will be over shortly to administer mandatory euthanasia.

IT'S A SAD THING THAT YOUR ADVENTURES HAVE ENDED HERE!! What it's from: Shadowgate

The context: You accidentally figure out one of the ten fucking million ways to die in Shadowgate.

Comments: Shadowgate was the coolest of the three games by ICOM Simulations that was released for the NES; it was also the hardest. Few point-and-click adventure games forced you to rely on save states as much as this game did. You were forced to experiment to figure out how to advance, a process which would result in many, many deaths. You had to figure out which potions you could drink, which weapons worked on which enemies, which mirrors you could smash, which coffins you could open, which items had to be obtained through special means, which items couldn't be obtained at all, and whether or not that shark would kill you if you went in the water, all of which would inevitably lead to horrible deaths. And the game lets you know almost right away on that you're going to be dying. In the second room of the castle, there's a big obvious book that's just begging to be picked up. If you do, a trapdoor opens and you die. Two minutes in, and you're already dead. But then you figure out that you're supposed to leave the book where it is, open it, and take the key that's hidden inside; you also learn to save as often as possible and to keep a written log of correct moves in case you accidentally save after fucking something up. In the end, you become very good friends with the Grim Reaper and eventually beat him best of three in Twister and Battleship.

I FEEL ASLEEP!! What it's from: Metal Gear

The context: You suck at stealth and you awaken a sleeping guard.

Comments: When a guard says that he feels asleep, do not advance, because the opposite is true. He actually feels quite awake and he is merely commenting on how embarrassed he is that he *fell* asleep moments ago. But then you moved forward too quickly and those Zs over his head disappeared. Nice work.

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