grosser, little boys or little girls, I would've said boys. Hands down. I would've been dead wrong. Little girls are fucking disgusting. The boys’ worst crime was occasionally pissing on the toilet paper rolls, which I would simply pay-it-forward to them by not replacing. (Have fun wiping your ass with piss-paper you little shits.) But the girls’ bathroom was always a disaster, every day. I don’t know if it was intentional or what the hell was going on, but they pissed on their toilet seats more than the boys did. Once a girl even pissed high up on the wall (that I was frankly impressed by). And they loved locking the stalls from the inside. This required me to climb underneath the door to unlock it, which was complicated by the fact that these harpies also pissed on the floor with disturbing frequency.

And that’s just urine… On not one but TWO separate occasions I entered a girls’ bathroom to discover shit - and I mean shit - on the walls and the ceiling. Now, when boys shit in the urinal (which never actually happened during my tenure), that’s one thing. I get that. The difference between shitting in a toilet and shitting in a urinal doesn’t put you out much. It’s worth the joke. But the walls? The fucking ceiling?! Your hands need to get involved there. That takes the steely dedication of a sick mind. And please don’t ask what some did with their used tampons and Maxi pads (I really wish pads didn’t have adhesive on one side). I’m not emotionally ready. I didn’t even know middle-schoolers were menstruating yet! Was there something wrong with the school? Are little girls like this nationwide? Maybe they were acting out in a void of supervision. We expect boys to be gross. The hall monitors would frequently poke their heads into the boys’ bathroom to make sure shenanigans weren’t afoot. Not for the girls though. They were in international waters. They could’ve had a fight club or donkey show in there.

Though I think little girls are simply nastier than little boys. Whereas boys are encouraged, even pushed, by fathers and older brothers to let their ids fly, girls are still caught up in the vestigial b.s. of being “ladylike.” Like being a preacher’s kid, I think it has warped their minds and pushed them in dark opposite directions. So next time you see an eleven or twelve-year-old girl, know that behind all the Hello Kitty there likely lurks a deviant sociopath. Her daydreams aren’t just of the Jonas Brothers and Twilight – she might be thinking about using her shit to finger-paint too.