FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT

A new report has found that a plastic rose from the local servo, valued at only $5.95, is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.

Totem Tennis Coach Larry Pearson, from Men Against Love Expressed Sentimentally (MALES) says the report was compiled in an attempt to highlight the importance of providing a token gift of affection, whilst at the same time warning against purchasing an excessively thoughtful gift.

“Mate, it’s pretty simple. A plastic servo rose is the ideal gift ‘cause it hits the sweet spot between showing your partner that you care about her enough to buy her something, and the ‘Danger Zone’ when you buy her something so elaborate or expensive that she realises she’s too good for you” said Larry, as he lounged on the back seat of an old car on his verandah.

“You don’t want to get her nothing ‘cause then she’ll bring it up in every single argument for the next 364 days. And you don’t want to get her some sort of expensive gold-plated romantic shit, because that would have a devastating effect on the relationship when she leaves you.”

As an aficionado of the plastic servo rose, Larry even has some advice on which type to buy.

“Yeah, I guess you could say I’m a bit of a conna.. a connashew.. a big expert. I’ve bought literally tens of them so I know the exact one to go for. You want the red one, that’s for sure. And make sure you don’t get the bigger $9.95 one. Yeah, just get her the $5.95 servo rose, that should do it. Trust me mate, she’ll love it!”