Look, I get it. I really, truly get it. Long work hours, bad food, and an utter lack of nutritional education in our schools have all coalesced into one big lard ball of rampant obesity and attendant health problems. Rationalization of the issue, though, doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it’s probably contributed in no small part to the staggering 75% of men and 67% of women who are now overweight or obese in America.

Of course, most people recognize that this is unhealthy, and want to slim down. But that takes so much work. In a society that prizes quick turnarounds and instant gratification, it’s no wonder that people want a quick fix for their girth problems.

And of course, scam ad companies step right up with their silver bullets–which are nothing of the kind.

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If smooshing your gut against a fence doesn’t get you ripped, you shouldn’t even bother trying out the gym. Your genetics are clearly working against you.

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“My mom always made me eat my veggies before I could have dessert. No wonder I’m fat. SWEETS NOT BEETS!!!11!!”

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Your body is conspiring against you, women. It has internalized misogyny and wants to make sure you get fat to punish you for being female, you friend-zoning bitch.

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Quadruple amputation: the quickest way to shed pesky pounds in a flash!

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Seen above: definitely an Asian woman.

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