Today's Onion has a mostly tongue-in-cheek story of "28-year-old publisher's assistant Peter Graney [who] told reporters... that he is inexplicably getting worse at sex." You know this guy. You faked your orgasm for him.

"After doing it for so long, it stands to reason that I'd eventually get a handle on how things are going to go," Graney said. "But it varies wildly. There are times when even I'm thinking 'When is this going to be over?' It's like I can't finish up to save my life." "And by now, you'd think I wouldn't have to worry about ejaculating too soon," Graney continued. "But nope. Every so often, I still totally jump the gun. When will I get some kind of control over this? I'm not trying to be Sting or anything, but Jesus Christ." Graney cited other declining abilities, most notably in the arena of foreplay. By his estimate, the frequency with which he has been asked to stop performing cunnilingus or some other preliminary sex act due to his partner's physical discomfort has increased 22 percent over the past three years.


Basically, what we have here is a guy that either flails away with no skill to the point of mutual exhaustion without either of you getting off, or a guy that pops the champagne cork in immediate celebration of his ability to penetrate you. And, let's not even get started on the increasing frequency with which he is asked to stopped his undoubtedly poor attempts at oral — if a dude has been asked enough before that there is an increasing frequency with which he is asked to stopped, he's probably never been that good at it.

And you know how Graney got to the age of 28 without knowing that he sucks in bed? Because no one told him. Ladies, when you fake an orgasm, you're making a guy's terrible bedroom skills another woman's problem. Every time you pretend to climax while he's lying motionless beneath you, arms at his sides, you've convinced him that such is how its done. Every time you've faked enthusiasm for particularly tooth-enhanced and painful oral just to get the guy to quit it already, rather than telling him that he's doing it wrong, you've set up another woman's clitoris for the same poor treatment. Every time you've told him, "That happens to everyone" when he's ejaculated so quickly you barely realized he'd managed penetration, he's gonna believe that and think that it's okay.


The thing is, at 28, Graney is probably just now getting around to fucking 25-28 year old women (when he does get laid) — and, as we get older, we're more likely to tell a dude what the fuck he's doing wrong. So, he's probably not getting worse at it, he's probably just finally boning women who are apt to tell him exactly how bad he is at it. I mean, for fuck's sake:

"I'm always asking, 'Do you like that?' or 'How does that feel?' Way more than I used to," said Graney, adding that he now believes less than a third of his sexual encounters over the past 18 months were satisfying to the women involved.

If you've got to ask, dude, the answer is pretty much always no.

Ladies, for the sake of the rest of the sisterhood, I'm begging you: stop faking it. If for no other reason than that then he won't think the rest of us are frigid bitches when his orchestrations fail to bring us to a higher plan of consciousness. Our ladybits thank you.


Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex [The Onion]