JUSTIN LAMB: For the so called nice guys who complain about being placed in the friend zone.

DESIREE DALLAGIACOMO: Shut up.

JUSTIN: Zip it.

BOTH: Close your mouth.

JUSTIN: We’re sick of you playing the part of compassionate listener around female friends.

DESIREE: Only to whine when your benevolence fails to result in booty.

JUSTIN: As if there weren’t better causes to whine about.

DESIREE: Like patriarchy.

JUSTIN: Entitlement.

DESIREE: Valuing women for ability to cure your boner and not our actual personhood.

BOTH: Newsflash.

DESIREE: Women are not slot machines that respond to your kindness with sex.

JUSTIN: Thinking you are owed something for not being an asshole…

DESIREE: …makes you an asshole.

JUSTIN: Somehow you have decided that you are the victim.

DESIREE: Screwed by women’s decisions not to screw you. Mansplaining why you don’t belong in the friend zone.

JUSTIN: We know these points have been made before, but there is one question that everyone overlooks.

DESIREE: Who the fuck complains about being placed in something called the friend zone?

BOTH: It sounds awesome.

JUSTIN: Like AutoZone, but for friends.

DESIREE: You act like the friend zone is the worst place ever, but there are plenty of worse place.

JUSTIN: Like a Waffle House bathroom at 3am.

DESIREE: The elephant graveyard.

JUSTIN: You must never go there, Simba.

BOTH: All nine circles of hell.

JUSTIN: Whenever I think of the friend zone, all I can picture…

BOTH: …is the most magical place in the world.

JUSTIN: Where the humans are real, but the animals are cartoons that smile and talk to you.

DESIREE: And the sunflowers have faces and they look down at their branches and say…

JUSTIN: Hey, I’m glad growing and all, but these buds will never compare to the one standing next to me.

BOTH: (singing) Thank you for being a friend.

DESIREE: My friend zone is an island of possibility where there will be no creeps, but there will be lots of crepes made by friendly pirates.

JUSTIN: You are me best friend.

DESIREE: But no booty calls.

JUSTIN: Arr. You might not like being placed in the friend zone.

DESIREE: But where else are you going to find a zone with its own theme song?

JUSTIN: That goes… (singing) Hanging with my friends in the friend zone, where everyone gets a high five.

DESIREE: (singing) There’s a lot of pizza here and we’re happy to be alive.

JUSTIN: Yeah. There will be no sexting in the friend zone.

DESIREE: No dick pics.

JUSTIN: No unwelcomed grinding.

DESIREE: No shady intentions disguised as kindness.

BOTH: Only actual kindness.

DESIREE: Consensual hugs.

JUSTIN: And a giant boat filled with s’mores.

DESIREE: Called the friend …

BOTH: …ship.

DESIREE: If that doesn’t float your boat…

JUSTIN: If real friendship is somehow disappointing…

BOTH: Then nobody wants your ass in the friend zone, anyway.

