Welcome to the OWL scrimbux stock exchange, where the currency is as unfounded confidence, where math is meaningless and everyone has a 6070% scrim winrate, where hurt player egos squeal like piglets on a surfboard. It is a magical place, in a dimension where logic & reason don’t apply. You’d be a fool to take anything here at face value, but you’re pulled in by the promised grain of truth (though it might really just be salt) buried deep under the building, conveniently harvested from the sodium chloride mines of the teams' player and staff pool. Invest now, gamble, and throw it all away. Come in, come in. What did you say? Of course it’s too early to say anything with confidence, that is the entire point, Stupid!





Nobody has any idea what’s happening

Talking to league insiders now is like listening to a Joe Rogan podcast about which violent animal would beat the other up in a fight. “It’s entirely possible that the Washington Justice could beat the New York Excelsior.” Hold the phone there, Joe. That’s outta pocket. Yeah, how dare I.

We’re in a superposition of everyone being both awful and amazing at the same time and you can expect that to remain true until at least week 2 or 3 of Stage 4.





It’s the best time of the year for absolutely baseless, wild investments! Never has the scrimbuck been more volatile than now. One guy says it’s mostly Orisa/Hog/Mei and double sniper, another says it’s Genji/Sombra dive, a third mentions McCree and Reaper compositions and a fourth calls all of them stupid. I’m buying lever certificates on all of them. I just pawned my baby’s diapers.





NYXL and the five-ton “sandbag”

So apparently, New York aren’t doing well in scrims. Is the sandbagging already starting? I mean, they could virtually lose every game this stage and probably still be first seat in Atlantic. Why try, right? Just be there for the playoffs. Wait… why does that sound familiar?

NYXL will have to play five Pacific Division teams this stage and with the exception of the Titans, those teams all are playing for season playoffs or the play-ins. Talk about throwing the apex predator of a Walmart into a pit of starved tigers. Apparently, they haven’t acclimated well to the new environment and can’t decide what to play. One expert even brought up the word “trash.”





Philadelphia Fusion on the path of least resistance

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Carpe is back, ladies and gentlemen. With some teams being confident that Widow will play an important role, insiders think that the Fusion could once again sneak into play-offs with the bare minimum effort. They’ll also be playing the Houston Outlaws in week 3, a match that could be of the utmost importance for both team’s seasons. You there! Yeah, you! Stop fudging humming Déjà vu. I know we’ve just been in this place before. Nope, still not an anime.





Philly is just as inconsistent as ever and has shown a wide delta of performances in scrims. Exactly the type of investment you want to bet the college fund that your grandma started for you when she stopped smoking Newports on. Let’s be honest, if little Philly went to college, they’d do bare minimum for to get a passing grade, cozy up to the professor and would ace the first job interview at their dream job.





Titan Fall

Sell your Titan’s stocks? Are you an idiot? I like you kid, so I give you this one for free. It might sound unbelievable, but apparently the Force of Nature himself is belting people’s heads off in scrims. While Striker was in a hyperbolic time chamber to hone his Widow skills, Hooreg drank pure aim juice margaritas on sunset boulevard and is apparently making a fool of the Widows he faces. You wouldn’t usually hear this from other teams being the victim of a player like him. After all, everyone looks great in scrims. But apparently, being trounced by Hooreg wakes you up from your delusions of grandeur. Otherwise, the Titans are just as strong as ever, potentially more so. Despite their steep strength of schedule in stage 4, Valiant might remain their only regular season loss.





Dallas out of Fuel

So how do I explain this? Imagine the Fuel’s season was a 100m relay race at the Olympics. You’re on the outermost lane and you’re naturally leading for the first half of the race because your starting blocks were further in front. As you round the corners, you fall further and further behind. Your last runner on the homestretch at an Olympic final against the best sprinting nations in the world is none other than ZachaREEE. Does that make sense?





Can any of the bottom teams make a comeback?

SSX insiders aren’t confident there. In general, it seems like that the hierarchy that we had in mind at the end of stage 3 still largely applies with few exceptions. It will heavily rely on how strong bunker turns out to be as most of the bottom teams are playing Orisa/Roadhog/Mei compositions right now. If you’re willing to bet on Clockwork Vendetta being the spiritual successor of GOATs, you could make a fortune here.



