Washington D.C.—

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is sitting on a mountain of bills passed by Democrats in the House of Representatives, including bills supporting election security, infrastructure investment and expanded voting rights, but McConnell did find the time to pass a new bill authored by Senator Lindsey Graham changing the Pledge of Allegiance line “one nation under God” to “one nation under Trump.”

“This bill should have been passed years ago,” explained Senator Graham in a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “Democrats can keep God out of public schools, but we Republicans vow to never let them obstruct America’s children from praying to President Donald Trump every morning before reviewing their multiplication times tables. And it will be mandatory. In fact, my bill has very precise wording decreeing that teachers have to personally verify that each and every student says out loud the ‘under Trump’ part every day, and, if they don’t, my bill makes teacher abuse legal again so that any disobedient children who don’t swear their daily oath to President Trump get three slaps on the back of their hands with a metal ruler. One slap for each of the terms in office the President intends to serve for.”

The Halfway Post asked Mr. Graham if he regretted his promise to not even consider the evidence against Mr. Trump in his impeachment trial.

“Of course not,” Graham said. “The President is 100% falsely accused in this Ukraine business, and that’s why he won’t let any of the people who claim he’s innocent testify under oath. All the people who actually are willing to testify have unanimously confirmed that the President is guilty, but that’s precisely why Trump is protecting his closest confidants with the umbrella of executive privilege… to stop them from having to go under oath and defend him. The last thing the President wants is for his closest aides who are the most knowledgable about his conduct in this Ukraine stuff to have to be forced to tell the truth under the penalty of perjury and jail-time if they lie… because he’s totally innocent! That’s why I’m not reading any of the obstruction charges or studying any of the long lists of damning evidence Democrats claim they’ve compiled into their articles of impeachment. Because I know without even reading a single word that there is no evidence whatsoever against the President! I know better than to listen to these nonpartisan, career governmental officials, I’ll listen to Trump’s people who won’t testify at all! The people who won’t answer a single question on the record are the ones to trust!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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