Imagine a national network with multiple TV channels and radio stations that, for three consecutive weeks, chose to provide the sights and sounds of men and women banging together metal garbage can covers.

And all the garbage can cover-bangers were mix–and-match, interchangeable cross-clangers appearing on the network’s entities, sometimes in groups of three, four and five, so they could bang those metal garbage can covers together, together.

And then the network summoned its “Senior Insiders” to appear, issuing them metal garbage can covers to bang together in synchronized, simulcasted banging with the hosts or to create Q & A metal garbage can cover banging.

“Bang, bang?”

“Clang, bang, bang, clang!”

Since the end of an endless NBA season, ESPN, which sells its wares until we kvetch, then retch, has spent all day and night trying to convince all the sports-minded they won’t be able to take summer vacations or even sleep at night until they know, “as first reported by ESPN,” the next teams for which LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony will play.

Yup, we’re supposed to be consumed by such matters, afraid to leave home, until these issues of “Where?” and “How much?” are resolved.

Bang, clang! Bang, clang! It’s the ESPN way! ESPN does to the sports whose rights it owns what CNN did to the disappearance of that Malaysian Airlines jet.

And, because ESPN always places self-interest far ahead of those of genuine, thoughtful sports fans, ESPN’s message — bang and clang! — has been effectively heard and presumably obeyed:

Steer clear of ESPN TV and radio. When those players make their decisions, we’re likely to hear about it before the season starts, no? So why continue to suffer all that noise, all that banging and clanging?

Yer out! Wait … Yer safe! Wait …

Only the fact the Athletics won Thursday, rendering their game-under-protest position useless, spared MLB’s TV replay rule the widespread attention and ridicule it deserves.

Follow the foresight-less farce: Blue Jays at A’s, top of the second, no score, bases loaded, one out. Anthony Gose hit a grounder to first baseman Nate Freiman, who tried to tag the runner from first. But after the ump ruled Freiman had missed the tag, the first baseman threw home to get the force.

Standard, 100-year-old baseball rules applied, right?

Not anymore!

Jays manager John Gibbons, in an act of immediate and twisted new-rules brilliance and sedition, challenged the call, claiming his man, running to second, had been tagged out, thus there was no force at home. The Jays had scored.

The Lower Manhattan AC and Replay Cave backed Gibbons. It determined that Freiman had tagged the runner, thus A’s catcher Stephen Vogt, who had seen the no-tag call then surmised that the force was on, only did what he had to do — placed his foot on the plate — before learning, post-replay, the runner coming home was safe because Vogt hadn’t tagged him!

Fantasy replay rule baseball! Act on the absurd presumption that all calls made on the field are wrong and will be overruled!

“You can’t change the way you’ve played baseball all your life,” Vogt said afterwards.

Sure you can. From now on touch the plate, tag the runner, and as reader Daryl Kessler suggests, then run around tagging all the other runners, just in case. Maybe you can even get someone in a run-down between home plate … and the dugout!

It’s all part of “getting it right.”

Graphic evidence nobody pays attention

Quality Control Graphics of the Week: Upset! ESPN did not win, but did finish first runner-up. During a replay of the Novak Djokovic-Grigor Dimitrov semifinal at Wimbledon, ESPN’s “Bottom Line” scrolled the result of that match.

On second thought, that’s nothing special. ESPN has been doing such for 20 years.

The winner, although not sports related, was too good not be included. As reader John Siciliano provided in a screen-shot, on July 4, Ch. 7 News aired a clip of James Cagney dancing in what was identified as the movie, “Yankee Doodle Dandee.”

Ken Singleton often leaves us with the feeling that he’s pulling our legs, that he speaks a pile of platitudes, positing and posing bad guesswork as knowledge.

Saturday on YES, Twins manager Ron Gardenhire was thrown out after griping from the dugout. In an avuncular tone, Singleton said, “You can’t argue balls and strikes.” But there hadn’t been a pitch. Gardenhire was tossed after David Phelps’ pickoff throw to first.

And after Singleton realized that, he didn’t inspect Phelps’ move. Gardenhire may have had a legitimate beef. Phelps didn’t appear to clearly step toward first.

Before Jim Bouton’s 1970 book “Ball Four,” there was its less ribald 1960 prototype journal, “The Long Season,” written by Reds pitcher Jim Brosnan, who died on June 29 at 84. For its time, Brosnan’s tell-some was considered, throughout baseball, radical.

Wimbledon’s Djokovic-Roger Federer final on ESPN Sunday included a three-way discussion — Chris Fowler, Patrick McEnroe and John McEnroe — after every $%?@&*! point, and occasionally during them!

No return hit wide, long or into the net escaped examination, explanation, strangulation, evisceration. At 1-1, Fowler said, with great emphasis, that the third set is “crucial.”

Nurse!

Based on what was heard Saturday during Fox’s Mets-Rangers game, new-guy Cliff Floyd was instructed to talk — and talk and talk — after every pitch.

Imagine what MLB would charge for All-Star Game tickets if all — or even most — of its players actually wanted to even be there.

Where Are They Now? Whatever happened to V. Stiviano, or whatever name she now goes by? She has disappeared after basking in the celebrity spotlight following her betrayal of “adored friend” and 80-year-old sugar daddy.

June results are in: ESPN again was beaten to no stories; it either had every scoop or went with, “According to ESPN and other media reports.” That’s right, another undefeated news month. The worst ESPN could do was tie for first, a dead-heat.

Watching Bartolo Colon in the Mets’ home whites Saturday was, with every pitch, like watching a hamper of hotel linens being tossed into the washers down at Consolidated Laundries.

Reader Chris Orlando figures his boss has caught World Cup fever: “I got up to leave at 5 p.m., but was told there’s still five minutes of stoppage time.”