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A vacuous celebrity has published a book that can stop you being fat and it is available at all good book shops.

The book which follows hot on the heels of the success of another book, by another celebrity, who also wished to use their experience of being on a television show or something to advise people on how they can stop being fat.

“I got thin by abusing amphetamines but you can get thin by my special diet of bananas, water biscuits and goose fat. I’m not a Doctor. I haven’t even got a woolly, contrived accreditation as a nutritionist. But I am famous and that’s more important.” One celebrity who wrote a diet book with some help from a staff writer told us.

“I’ve been on a reality show and I paint myself orange. If you buy my book you’ll be so thin that you can slide under doors.” Another person who had been on TV added.

However, TV doctor Dr Christian Jessen has warned the public to exercise caution in taking advice from celebrities whose diets may not actually stand up to scientific scrutiny.

“The only way to lose weight is to eat less and poo more. Which is why you should buy my book entitled ‘Eat Less, Poo More’. It’s got a picture of me on the cover, with a stethoscope and white coat and everything.” He explained.