Big Nige from UKIP came to Edinburgh last week to launch a campaign for a by-election happening in Aberdeen. Well, it’s close enough, isnt it? Maybe it’s something to do with UKIP having branches all over England and just one for the whole of Scotland. That’ll do, won’t it?

But for future reference, in case he needs a hand, here’s my wee guide:

See, those Glaswegians might think us Edinburgh folk are a soft touch. But a man who’s so much of a Tory that he’s no longer a Tory coming to abolish our parliament and finger-wag at our minorities was clearly too much for the locals.

Below is a song by musician Steve Byrne, who runs a singing club at Edinburgh’s Canons’ Gait pub. It’s called ‘Lament on the predicament of the Member of the European Parliament for South East England’.

Lyrics

As I went oot last Thursday tae ging fir a jar,

Ah walked doon the Mile tae the Canon’s Gait bar;

But fit aa that I tried I jist couldna get in –

There wis some how-d’ye-do on the haill efternin!

Wi a toot-a-lye, oor-a-lye, oot-a-lye ay!

Noo o aa this commotion I couldna mak sense,

Till some lad cried oot, “it’s a press conference,

O some chiel caad Nigel, come up fae the sooth,

And a big pile o haivers jist cam oot o his mooth!”

Noo it turnt oot the Polis had phoned up the bar,

And said, “Nigel is comin, he fancies a jar”

They ran roond wi a hoover and gied it a dicht,

But they werna tae ken whit wid follae that nicht.

Noo Nigel cam in wi his big stripey tie,

He ordered a pint wi a glint in his eye,

He posed fir a photie, he didna look glum,

Till oot in the street, the crowd it cried “scum!”

So the barkeeper thocht, “Oh jings, here we go!”

He said tae auld Nigel, “that’s the end o the show”,

But he couldna get oot and he coudlna bide in!

Whit could Nigel dae, there wis nae place tae rin!

So he stuck oot his hand and he tried fir a cab.

The driver took one look and then he took aff!

He said “Nae chance Nigel, I’ll no tak yer fare,

I’ve heard aa the pish that ye spout on the air!

It turned oot fir Nigel this wisna his day,

There wis nae easy option fir a quick getaway!

The taxis said Nigel, “Are ye haein a laugh?”

Wi that famous auld welcome, cried

“Come on, get aff!”

So that plan abandoned, the polis decide –

“Anither wee snifter, we’ll ging back inside!”

They slammed the doors shut, as up came the cheers

“Ye’re a bawbag, ye’re a bawbag and ye’re no welcome here!”

By this time the telly and meedja’d arrived

Oh whit wid he dae? How wid Nigel survive?

Auld Reike’s famed polis cam up wi a plan

They’d tak him awa in the back o a van”

Noo afore ye ging thinkin we’re racist up here,

I’d like tae correct ye, ye’re mistaken I fear!

We tak broon white or tartan, even fowk up fae Herne

Cos like Hamish telt us, we’re aa Adam’s bairns!

For in Scotland we’ve aye been a civilised crew;

If ye look oot fir me, then I’ll look oot fir you!

Dinna come tae Auld Reikie, a-spreadin yer muck,

Ye’ll soon find the locals will get ye tae….

Be ye English or Pole or Romanian or Jute

If ye bide here it’s your hame, o that hae nae doot!

So think on auld Nigel and be shair taek tak note

next year when ye ging oot and cast yer Yes vote!

Andrew Redmond Barr

National Collective