HOUSTON—Furious after once more failing to receive enough votes for induction into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, seven-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens reportedly went off on a reckless performance-enhancing-drug bender Wednesday. “As soon as I found out I wasn’t getting in, I started hitting the HGH pretty hard, and before I knew it, I was shooting up the ’roids again, too,” said the musclebound 450-pound former All-Star pitcher, his forehead veins pulsing as he became visibly angry and began punching holes in the walls of his living room littered with used syringes. “I just needed some kind of release, and that’s usually when I relapse with the PEDs. But you know what? Maybe there’s a healthier way to deal with this. Maybe I should just go on up to Cooperstown, rip the fucking door off that place, and start tearing shit up. Turn me down seven years in a row, will they? This is all their fault. My hair is falling out in clumps, I can’t get an erection, and those assholes are to blame! I will not be denied what is mine!” At press time, reports confirmed a confrontation with law enforcement in which a frenzied Clemens unleashed a deafening, demonic scream, overturned a police cruiser with his bare hands, and swatted away the bullets of hastily retreating officers.

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