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The universal sign for "Shit's about to get all kinds of slappy up in here."

So later, the kids came inside, and one of them spilled some milk on the carpet. I would normally just tell them to be careful and have them clean it up. But in the state I was in, I jumped all over them. The kids, who had just moments ago been in great moods, became angry in turn, and before we knew it, they were fighting with each other instead of playing. You can see how my inability to keep a lid on it wound up just rippling outward, like the shockwave of an atomic bomb made out of human shit.

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This is why a lot of anger management programs have a whole section on empathy. This is the more academic way of saying, "Learn how not to be such a selfish dick and think about how the way you act impacts other people, asshole." If I'd taken one second to remember what it was like when my dad blew up for no reason, it'd have been a hell of a lot easier to slam on the brakes. Shame is a good circuit breaker for anger.

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Shame and cupcakes. Oh, shit, I just found a name for my next band!

This all sounds so obvious, but goddamn is it hard to find anyone on the Internet actually exercising this kind of control. We get so wrapped up in the idea that we're right that we can't fathom the idea that maybe we're the dick here.

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In fact, let me leave you with this final technique: Grab a post-it note, write down the phrase, "Am I being the dick here?" and stick it to your computer monitor. Or, even better, get it tattooed on your palm. Glance at it every time you're about to reply to an email or article comment, or when you're about to make a call to tech support. See if it helps.

For more from John Cheese, check out 6 Ad Campaigns That Prove Humanity Is Doomed and Having Fun With 419 Scammers.