‘Stop Giving Us Toys That Are Homework’: America’s 9-Year-Old Girls Have Announced They’re Pretty Burned Out On STEM Shit And Would Just Like Some Normal Toys

In recent years, STEM-based toys have exploded into a multi-billion-dollar-per-year industry, with many of the products focused specifically on giving young girls a leg up in career fields traditionally dominated by males. But as these toys have skyrocketed in popularity among education-minded parents, it now seems that many of the children who receive them aren’t as enthusiastic: America’s 9-year-old girls have announced that they’re pretty burned out on STEM shit and would just like some normal toys.

Wow, seems like our nation’s little girls would like to play with some toys that are actually fun!

Earlier today, a coalition representing millions of 9-year-old girls across the U.S. released a stern statement demanding that parents “stop giving [them] toys that are homework,” saying they’re sick of getting STEM toys as presents and would just like some Barbies or L.O.L. dolls for once. Describing the STEM products as “basically the carrot fries of toys,” the girls argued that not every gift they get needs to be a fucking puzzle, and that after a long day of school, they’d really rather not unwind with several more hours of problem solving or learning how to code from an animatronic frog.

“While we appreciate you trying to make us smarter or whatever, we don’t recall putting ‘boring toys that suck ass’ on our Christmas lists,” the girls’ statement read, adding that waiting five weeks for a rock to appear from a crystal growing kit isn’t really anyone’s idea of a good time. “If there’s one thing these STEM toys have given us, it’s the critical thinking skills to realize we’re getting totally fucked out of playtime. We just want to do dumb, mindless shit sometimes. We want to stare at YouTube on iPads and dress up in glittery princess costumes. Our lives won’t be ruined if we don’t spend all our weekends building miniature electrical circuits or whatever.”

“Like, do you guys just think we’re dumbasses or something?” the statement continued. “That’s honestly the impression we’re starting to get. Why else would you make us spend all our free time playing stupid marble-based logic games?”

Damn. Message received! If adults want girls to grow up to succeed in innovative professions, it’s probably best not to make them seem like a total bummer. Here’s hoping that parents hear these girls out and get them at least a few toys that aren’t basically chores in disguise.