East Falmouth - Be the envy of your friends with a 'Fixer in Falmouth. This beautiful new property comes semi-furnished with an extra blue tarp in the backyard, perfect for covering up old campaign signs or broken-down cars, AND it's safely guarded by plastic, orange fencing that FOR SURE keeps the squatters at bay. And what a close bay that would be, only miles from the beach! Say it with me now, "SUNSCREEN."

Right around the corner from CVS and Cumberland Farms, you won't walk far to find cheap coffee OR fast relief from your heartburn.

Three-season's room? Make that FOUR seasons! The wide-open-floor living room is south-facing with LOTS of sunlight. Grow an indoor garden, heck, grow an OUTDOOR garden. No need to open the windows, that fresh summer breeze is only a matter of time!

Worried about pedestrians judging you for having an extravagant home? As Jeff Bezos would admit, the jealousy never ends, but that's not YOUR problem! The over-sized tree in the front yard provides enough privacy for you AND your weird fetishes. Buh-bye self-conscious foreplay, no one's getting a sneak peek this time.

Hope you like holidays because living in this house is like celebrating Halloween every month of the year! The best part? No decorations needed, no batteries required!