Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics. You can find it in POLITICO's weekly print edition and online on Fridays.

This week we have exclusive details of a new European Union plan to boost the continent's image by making ... a spy movie (very much in the style of James Bond but competing for budget space with the Common Agricultural Policy and with a legal obligation to be translated into Latvian).

The plan was due to be discussed at this week's European Council but Emmanuel Macron gave the game away on Tuesday when he appeared at a press conference alongside Charles Michel wearing a black turtleneck, indicating that filming may have already begun.

According to a draft script, seen by Declassified, Macron will play suave secret agent Edmund Saint-Michel (also known as Article 007) who is engaged in a life-or-death battle with his archenemy Donald Drumpf (to be played by Alec Baldwin or Joseph Muscat, depending on availability), head of the evil Spectre Working Group.

Unlike sexist old Bond, Macron only has eyes for himself, so there's no love interest.

The nasty Drumpf wants to take over the world from his gold-encrusted Mar-a-Lago lair by imposing tariffs on aluminum and French wine, and only Saint-Michel can save the day by locking Drumpf in a room with Margaritis Schinas (played by Robert Wagner), the European Commissioner for Promoting (and definitely not protecting) the European Way of Life, who will tell the American the error of his ways.

Unlike sexist old Bond, Macron only has eyes for himself, so there's no love interest. There are, however, plenty of sub-plots, including the comic stylings of Boris Johnson (Gérard Depardieu); mass strikes causing disruption wherever Saint-Michel goes (to be played by actual French people on strike); and the need to please Ursula von der Leyen (to be played by herself) who has replaced Jean-Claude Juncker (Peter O'Toole) as the tough-talking head of the European Commission.

There are still holes in the script and casting decisions to be taken. Despite repeated lobbying from Justin Trudeau and his make-up artist, no one has yet been chosen to play the leader of an as-yet unspecified African country where Saint-Michel takes a trip in a bid to counter Chinese influence. Declassified understands the movie is unlikely to have a happy ending.

The title of the film has yet to be decided but those under consideration include:

— You Only Vote Twice (For An EU Treaty In Ireland)

— Dr Non-Paper

— From Russia With No Love

— Trilogues Take Forever

— The MEP With The Golden Expense Account

— Live And Let Lie On The Side Of A Bus About How Much The UK Pays To Brussels

— For Your Eyes Only (As We've No Intention Of Improving Transparency)

— License To Warn Of A Meeting To Discuss Severe Consequences If You Do That Bad Thing Again

CAPTION COMPETION

"You put your right arm in, your right arm out ..."

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter @pdallison74

Last week we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our post bag (there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).

"And what do you do?" by Alexa O'Connell

Paul Dallison is POLITICO's slot news editor.