I’m not going to do a traditional review of Spider-Man 3. Spider-Man 3 is not a good film, and everybody is well aware of that fact. So instead I’m going to talk about a few of the specific reasons it’s bad, alongside a few of the things it actually does right.

Why Spider-Man 3 Is Terrible

Too Many Villains

Spider-Man 3 has four different antagonists, and three of them are terrible.

Harry Osborn/The New Goblin is easily the worst of the bunch. He attacks Peter early in the film with almost no fanfare, gets concussion-related amnesia for a bit, then becomes a cartoonishly antagonistic jerk, then somehow redeems himself in the finale. The performance also isn’t great, except in the middle portion where he gets to play the outright villain. I don’t necessarily think it’s Franco’s fault in this instance. They just do not write the character well enough for him to do much.

Eddie Brock is scarcely better. Now, to be fair, Topher Grace is fantastic at playing a hate-able character. Unfortunately, Brock is not the kind of character you love to hate. You just hate him, and every moment he’s on-screen. If you squint, it looks like they were trying to set up parallels between Eddie and Peter, but the idea isn’t really explored outside a couple of scenes. I feel bad for Grace, considering it’s not necessarily his fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that the character is poorly conceived.

The symbiote is a bit more interesting because it functionally simply gives rise to Peter’s darker desires. But Dark Peter Parker is comical, not frightening or tension-building. Now to be fair, I think that was the intention. I think they wanted to show that even with his id running wild, Peter Parker is a massive dork. But the fact that a bad creative choice was made intentionally doesn’t make it good. It just isn’t fun to watch.

Poor Story Choices

Can anybody explain why Peter kisses Gwen Stacy in that very public manner while the girl he is about to propose to looks on? Anybody?Because a large portion of the plot hinges on that action driving a wedge between him and MJ. And it’s so ill-conceived and out of character.

Speaking of ill-conceived things, as a general rule of thumb retroactive alterations to a hero’s origin story are rarely ever a good idea. Revealing that Flint Marko was involved in Uncle Ben’s death needlessly complicates an already convoluted narrative. It also casts the first Spider-Man in a more negative light, as it shows that Peter’s intervention in the escape of the man he THOUGHT killed his uncle resulted in the death of a man not guilty of the crime.

Also, why is Gwen Stacy even in this movie? She’s a classic character with her own history. If all they needed was a random alternate love interest for a few scenes who then disappears from the narrative midway through the movie, they had much better options.

Spidey’s Heel Turn

I have to talk about the elephant in the room: Peter’s brief flirtation with his inner bad boy. It is just…comically terrible. It involves an awful makeover and even worse dancing.

Why does Peter think this is cool? WHY DO OTHER CHARACTERS THINK THIS IS COOL?!?!?

Like, I could maybe buy this as some sort of commentary on Peter’s own personality, as I suggested above. But if that’s the case, why do other characters endorse his behavior? It just doesn’t make sense.

I also really don’t love the parallels between Peter’s behavior and classic domestic violence behaviors. I’m not even talking about the fact that he hits MJ. That actually appears to be an accident. It’s the other stuff. He beats up her coworkers. He stalks her to her new job, which she never told him about. He harasses her there. He emotionally manipulates her by bringing another woman to her place of work. A work shouldn’t invoke that kind of specific imagery if it doesn’t really have anything to say on the topic.

I also don’t love that the best they could come up with for a Spider-Man with no inhibitions is garden-variety incel stuff.

Forgettable Score

Danny Elfman did not return to score Spider-Man 3. The main theme he composed returns for a couple of scenes, but the new arrangements just are not on par.

Questionable Visual Effects

The visual effects in Spider-Man 3 are noticeably better than in either of the first two entries. However, that’s not to say they’re good. What makes this aspect of the film noticeably bad is that the film relies on CGI MUCH more than in previous films. More scenes make use of the technology and the scenes that use it do so more obviously. If you want to talk specifics, the Sandman spends time looking like a boss from God of War. And I’m not talking about the new one.

Where Spider-Man 3 Is Good

Strong Core Performances

Tobey Maguire gives his strongest performance of the trilogy by far. He’s learned how to actually emote something other than general sadness. Say what you will about Spider-Man 3, but it gives the story some room to explore…different facets of Peter Parker.

Kirsten Dunst, meanwhile, benefits immensely from having something to work with that isn’t MJ’s affection for Peter. She actually gets her own subplot regarding her acting aspirations. It doesn’t do the overall pacing of the film any favors, but honestly Dunst is more interesting to watch than most of the rest of the film anyway.

The Sandman

The Raimi trilogy continues its streak of having at least one great villain to anchor the film. Thomas Haden Church delivers an impeccable performance in Spider-Man 3. He gives humanity to a character that is often relegated to dumb muscle status.

It’s not just Church’s performance, however. Some of Spider-Man 3’s best scenes involve Sandman. In particular, the scene where he gains his powers is heart-wrenching. Even with the dated CGI, Marko’s attempts to pull himself together are heart-wrenching.

Side note: there are SO MANY super villains whose entire motivation is paying for a loved one’s health care. Just…so many.

J. Jonah Jameson

J. K. Simmons is still great. That’s all.

Aunt May

Rosemary Harris is still great. That’s all.

The Birth of Venom

The scene where Peter rids himself of the symbiote and it binds itself to Eddie Brock is ripped straight from a much better movie. For one thing, the Symbiote has better CGI work than anything else in the film. But everything else about the scene is spectacular as well.

The nighttime church set is gorgeous, and the lighting is perfectly set to accentuate the darker mood of the scene. The shot of Peter tearing off his own suit to remove the Symbiote captures the raw emotion of the scene. The framing of the cast off Symbiote falling onto Eddie Brock from on high is superb and enhances the power of the moment. It’s honestly a really well done sequence all around.

Choreography

Once again, the Raimi films prove to have much more interesting and varied fight and stunt choreography than most superhero films. Unlike many superhero films (*cough* 90% of the MCU *cough*), Spider-Man 3 makes full use of each character’s power, as well as how the setting of the fight relates to them. For example, the early aerial fight between Peter and Harry makes excellent use of both characters’ mobility and offensive capabilities, allowing the fight to maneuver through the New York skyline.

Conclusion

Spider-Man 3 does have some redeeming qualities. But not enough to actually, y’know, redeem it. It’s still a dumpster fire of a movie. Placing it as the bottom-ranked Spidey flick is an easy decision.

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