PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly busted Wednesday in the Democratic National Convention parking lot for selling bootleg “I’m With Her” T-shirts. “Those cops cost me a good chunk of change when they yanked my merch, but luckily I’ve got an extra box of these babies stashed in the trunk of my Zam,” said Biden, who acknowledged the printing was a bit off-center on his knock-off shirts and that he had “completely blanked” on what Clinton’s logo looked like, but repeatedly insisted the unauthorized apparel was “pretty damn close.” “I could only snag these lousy black shirts, but I guarantee customers can’t beat my kickass prices. Look, you can get ripped off inside the arena for 35 bucks, or Uncle Joe can rip you off in the lot for way cheaper. The choice is fucking clear.” Biden, who was also selling plastic Frisbees bearing a large letter “H” scrawled in permanent black marker, confirmed that customers could also purchase a bag of mushrooms by using the code words “trip balls.”

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