When I am not concentrating, my knees sway from side to side unconsciously, as if to dissipate the energy. My arms tingle. At the bottom of my ribs is a sensation of warm anticipation, as if a burning fire raged within. I am trying to focus on my work, but I am acutely aware that all of these feelings could be escalated by hitting Ctrl+Shift+N and pursuing another binge. It is a feeling that is hard to ignore.



I have been told that at times like this it is better to look at how far you’ve come, rather than how much further you have to go. So how far have I come?

I’ve stuck to my rules for 4 days so far. I have put effort into things which matter to me. Cooking, Studying and Blogging. Even before I started this journey I have battled with this habit. Even though I have not won the war, I can be proud that I have won many battles along the way. There is fundamentally no reason why I cannot go for the full year, as is my intention. Perhaps you can ask yourself what you have achieved so far too.

The opposite of agitation is calm. And when I think about how today’s battle is but one step I have to take in order to reach my goal, I feel much calmer. When I think of the big picture, it pacifies my current angst. My brain is beginning to crave, and now I will face the first task: withdrawal. It was always going to happen. But that feeling is not a natural one, it’s a feeling designed to get me to give into the addiction. It won’t last if I resist strongly and create new circuits in my brain.

The truth is simple: either I am going to go for 1 year without fapping, or I am not. If I want to succeed, then today’s battle is a mere obstacle that I must negotiate, like driving around a fallen branch on the road, or jumping over a puddle in the street.

And when you think about it in the grand context, when you realise that this is what you signed up for and you’re just going to have to get on with it, it’s a lot easier to fight.