Eighteen-year-old Emily hates the way she looks.

She has body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and obsesses over certain flaws in her appearance that outsiders are unlikely to notice.

She's missed virtually all of her secondary education, has left school with no qualifications and refuses to leave the house for months at a time for fear that she's ugly.

Emily is now getting treatment at the Maudsley Hospital in London, the only specialist unit in the country.

Here, she writes about the impact BDD has had on her life.



For me, body dysmorphia is constantly looking in the mirror and spending hours doing my makeup and getting ready.


Makeup is basically like covering my flaws, like a camouflage.

It's just my face in general.

I just hate the way I look.

I have had suicide attempts and there have been days when I think I can't cope.

I haven't been outside for months.

At one stage, I wouldn't even open the curtains in case someone saw me.

At its worst, I would think about my appearance and how ugly I was for most of the day.

I refused to attend school and would make excuses so I didn't have to socialise with friends.

My makeup would take about three hours and if I did end up going out I would check myself in reflective mirrors and in shop windows.

I've been through a lot of things, so it would be dying my hair, getting eyebrows micro bladed on, never being without a spray tan, researching surgeries like boob jobs, eye lifts - just searching for things to improve my appearance.

Image: 'I just hate the way I look'

I would even hire in a makeup artist if I had to go out.

I have always been insecure about the way I looked from a young age and certain comments have stayed with me.

People have said that I am really pale and I have goofy teeth.

I feel like I am always trying to get people's approval as well as my own.

I am always stressing out the week before any family event.

It's a week of stress and anxiety.

I'd have to get up early to make sure my makeup was done right and my hair was done to my standard and if it went wrong I'd end up not going.

I remember being in the car one Christmas and when we got to my grandparents' house, I wasn't able to get out.

All my family came out of the house and said: "Come on Emily it will be fine" and I was so embarrassed that I was sat in this car and couldn't get out.

I just felt ugly and disgusted with myself. I just didn't feel pretty enough to be in front of my family.

Looking back I realise the negative effect social media has had on my illness.

I would compare myself to unrealistic photo-shopped models.

I was obsessed with googling plastic surgery procedures and beauty treatments that I thought would help my self-esteem.

I would take lots of selfies and edit them to look acceptable to me.

Image: 'I have always been insecure about the way I look'

Body dysmorphic disorder has robbed me of my teenage years.

I missed out on three years of my education, meaning I have no qualifications. I wasn't able to go to prom or on school trips.

The diagnosis of my illness wasn't quick or straight forward.

I was originally referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) when I was twelve years old.

I think it was clear to everyone that I hadn't made a good transition from a small primary school to a large secondary school.

My anxiety levels had risen considerably, feeling out place and judged by my peers.

At the age of 13, desperate to wrestle some control back into my life, I turned to anorexia and found myself in a specialist clinic for six months.

I was eventually discharged having fully recovered from my eating disorder, but still carrying my underlying issues of BDD and OCD.

What followed were three years of anger, rebellion, depression and self harm.

I still wasn't coping with school and would rarely attend, despite everyone's best efforts to accommodate me.

I ended up with no GCSEs and what I thought would be no future.

It's fair to say that there is no magic wand and I still have my anxiety, but I have learnt to cope with it better.

In therapy, you are given lots of coping strategies, and the secret is to work out which ones work best for you.

I have set myself measurable and achievable goals, such as passing my driving test and getting a part-time job.

There is a way to recover and cope with anxiety and BDD and you can ultimately lead a relatively normal life and find happiness.