SEATTLE, WA—Calling on facts and information learned while listening to a podcast about the Watergate scandal the previous night, 38-year-old systems analyst Ryan Graham burst into a conversation about current events between coworkers Monday and, guns fucking blazing, unleashed the full force of his newfound historical and political savvy. “Actually, it’s interesting you bring up the Comey scandal, as there are more parallels between Trump’s and Nixon’s presidencies than the average person might think,” said Graham, firing both barrels of the vast knowledge granted him by a single 60-minute episode of “Slow Burn” and subjecting his audience to a fucking rapid-fire, bullet-point rundown of the “Sunday [sic] Night Massacre” and its “profoundly eerie similarities” to the current political climate in Washington. “Just based on the timeline of Nixon’s impeachment, I’d say Trump only has a few months left before he gets the Woodward and Bernstein treatment and the walls really close in on him. Indeed, it often feels as if we’re living the 70s all over again.” At press time, Graham had not paused in his goddamn verbal fusillade long enough to allow his targets, former American history majors Stephanie Leong and Gerald Zindel, to respond.

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