“I believe in positive human sexuality. Sex is a natural and pleasurable part of life as long as both partners feel safe and respected. There is nothing shameful about naked bodies. So why am I so concerned about pornography and its effects? Pornography is a school of sexuality; in fact, it’s the main place Americans get their information about sex (to the tune of $10 billion per year). And what is it teaching us?

“Love and respect are irrelevant to sex, which is just a body function.”

“Women exist for men’s sexual use, without needs or feelings of their own.”

“Women should like whatever practices men want to engage in, no matter how demeaning or depersonalizing.”

“The more women look like little girls or teenagers, the sexier they are; in other words, men should desire sex with underage females.”

My concern is that pornography promotes a kind of sexuality that is exploitative, has violent undertones, and glorifies offending against children. A huge percentage of women have told researchers that they have been pressured by partners into participation in unwanted sexual practices that the man saw in pornography. In short, pornography is the opposite of a sexually liberating force.

You may not share my reactions, so let me zero in on the points that I think matter most in practical terms: If you are bothered by your partner’s use of pornography, you have every right to be. Your objections do not make you uptight, repressed, frigid, or whatever else he may say. And he should never pressure you to do things he has seen in pornography. If you use pornography yourself, explore carefully whether your participation is voluntary and how it is affecting your self-esteem. If you use it together with your partner, take a careful look at how it’s affecting the dynamics of your relationship…. Anything that leaves you feeling demeaned or controlled is the antithesis of true sexuality.”

Daily Wisdom For Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft