O Chicago, we love you — and we don’t.

In addition to Giordano’s stuffed pizza, we’ve now got the possibility of a Portillo’s eats opening in Woodbury.

What’s next?

I lived and worked in and around Chicago for 17 years, my in-laws are there, and I still keep an 847 cell phone. But … I plan on living the rest of my life and dying here in Minnesota.

Here are five Chicago things we could use here in the Twin Cities. And five we definitely don’t want.

MORE FOOD (WANT)

We’ve got a vibrant food scene here — and it’s a lot more than pizza, dogs and walleye. But our food culture pales in comparison to Chicago’s. Chicago’s got oodles of “ethnic” foods that don’t even seem ethnic to Chicagoans. Devon Avenue for Indian and Pakistani, Korea Town on the Northwest Side, soul food on the South Side, Jewish delis here and there, and legit Mexican everywhere. They’ve got a Chinatown and, of course, entire streets resplendent with all flavors of fusion, foodie and trendy.

We’ve got Hmong and East African and Tibetan and more, but I see way too many Minnesotans –— white Minnesotans — paralyzed with fear at the thought of venturing outside the hotdish-walleye wheelhouse.

ART INSTITUTE (WANT)

I’m a big fan of the Walker Art Center and Minneapolis Institute of Art, but they just can’t compare to The Art Institute of Chicago, where you can spend an entire day with just the French Impressionists. Add in the surrounding Millennium Park, museum campus and Lake Michigan lakefront, and you’ll appreciate the vision of Daniel Burnham’s master plan. We could steal the whole area and plop it down on the former Ford plant site in St. Paul.

DAN RYAN EXPRESSWAY (DON’T WANT)

Interstates 90 and 94 combine in Chicago to become a sewer of congestion, smog, construction cones and angry drivers. In fact, that’s pretty much the scene everywhere on Chicago’s highways. Yes, we have rush hour here in the Cities, especially the west metro, but check out this stat: Chicagoans waste 14 more hours of their lives each year stuck in traffic than we do. And on top of that, you gotta pay extra tolls to drive on half the highways.

CUBS MOJO (WANT)

The way I read it, the curse of the billy goat was broken Tuesday, when the Chicago Cubs played in their first World Series game since 1945. Good job, guys. Whatever mojo you took from the 2004 Red Sox, send it to Target Field, c/o the Twins.

BEARS FANS (DON’T WANT)

While we can feel good for the Cub fans and their pitiful lot in life, no quarter can be given to Bears fans, an unruly, grumpy bunch that pines for the second coming of George Halas wearing a Ditka mustache break-dancing to The Super Bowl Shuffle. No, Bears fans aren’t needed here. Vikings got a good thing going right now anyway.

STRAIGHT TALK (WANT)

You gotta love Minnesota Nice. But not it’s infuriating offspring, Minnesota Passive-Aggressive. Cool thing about Chicagoans: They say what they mean. Cut someone in line, there’s no pursed lips and mumbling — nor is there a profanity laced onslaught like you’d get in New York. A true Chicagoan will tell it like it is: “Hey buddy. You cut. Line starts back dare.” Downside side-effect: They don’t smile on the street as you pass, but you learn to work the chin nod.

POLITICAL CULTURE (DON’T WANT)

When I left Chicago, I had just finished covering the corruption trial of Republican Gov. George Ryan, who basically put the state of Illinois up for sale to the highest bidder. The betting pools had already begun for when his successor, Democrat Rod Blagojevich would get pinched. (He did; both Ryan and Blago were sent to federal prison.) Minnesotans who complain about our state government being “corrupt,” you have no idea how bad things can get.

FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT’S PORTFOLIO (WANT)

Chicago architecture. ‘Nuff said. But it’s more than a roster of great buildings — from the neo-classical to Louis Sullivan to Frank Lloyd Wright and the Prairie School — that are pleasing to most human beings. There’s a sensibility in Chicago that allows for visionaries like Frank Gehry to push the edge — and for Chicagoans to welcome it. We’ve got some fine architecture in Minneapolis and St. Paul, but seem scared of buildings that go beyond ramblers and American Foursquares.

BAN ON ICE FISHING (DON’T WANT)

Yes, they really do this in the Chicago metro. They ban ice fishing on many of the most public lakes. And yes, a warden or sheriff’s officer will come and shoo you off with a written warning, as happened to me once. The Lake County Forest Preserve District (north suburbs), for example, allows ice fishing on only three (3) lakes, among dozens where it controls access. Offensive, right? That’s just one of countless rules and restrictions in Illinois that most Minnesotans happily do without.

SECOND CITY COMEDY (WANT)

Perhaps living under the aforementioned headaches breeds humor that goes beyond our beloved Prairie Home Companion quirkiness. Second City is just the marquee venue for a nightlife comedy improv scene that means you always have a choice for a first date — and a test to see whether he or she has a sense of humor. Alumni include Joan Rivers, Mike Myers, Stephen Colbert, Tina Fey — and that’s not including the whole Belushi-Aykroyd-Murray-Candy era that ruled Saturday Night Live for a generation. We’ve got a comedy scene here in the metro, but not like that.

COST OF LIVING (DON’T WANT)

They make a little more money in Chicago — about 8.5 percent more, according to various calculators. But they pay even more. Good luck buying a house (23 percent more) and paying the utility bill (15 percent more). Parking is hard-to-find and absurd, and remember, you’ve wasted a notable portion of your life in traffic anyway.