Illustration by Sabir Nazar

Dear Diary,

I’ve been feeling depressed recently so have been watching reruns of my atom bomb explosion and have hung some pictures of the motorway in my bedroom. I don’t know why Imran wants my resignation. Normally, it’s only the presidents and the army generals who want my resignation.

I don’t go to the assembly much as there’s nothing to do. No bills get passed. General Raheel tells me that the only bills I should concern myself with are my electricity bills. I didn’t know I had to pay my electricity bill. I thought it had to go through parliament for approval.

I called a high-level meeting to discuss the security situation in Afghanistan. General Raheel did most of the talking. I was made to take the minutes. I don’t know what our foreign policy is looking like. I hope it’s not like our internal policy.

The National Action Plan is not going well. We are thinking of scrapping the name and changing it to something that sounds more effective, and has more points on the agenda.

We have been arresting people for hate speech. I asked if we could arrest Imran for doing that against me, but Nisar said no. He asked if we could arrest Abdul Aziz but then I said no, he hasn’t said a single bad word against me.

People say to me: Mian Sahab, this is a big problem in your party, nobody agrees on anything and party members are fighting each other. Can’t you do anything? I tell them that’s why I’m the leader of this party to begin with, because I can’t do anything.

I just hope that, by the grace of God, this time I will complete my term in office. This is the longest I’ve ever been prime minister. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do anymore. This is normally when I’m in jail or flying off to Saudi Arabia.

Obama has invited me and Modi Sarkar to a nuclear summit in Washington. I texted Modi Sarkar that I am confused. Are we supposed to bring our bombs with us?

Obama wants me to eliminate terrorism. I can’t eliminate terrorism. I can’t even eliminate Rana Sanaullah from my party. And there’s nothing more terrifying than him.

I must have set some sort of record for shaking hands with foreign dignitaries. I don’t know what to do with all these foreign visits. Maybe I should start writing travelogues. I had so many foreign tours this last year, I just hope Nisar doesn’t put me on the Exit Control List just to cut down government spending.

Met Bill Gates in September last year as well. He said he got rich making windows. I was shocked. There’s a lot more steel in a building than there are windows, but his bank balance makes mine look like a beggar’s. I told my nephew to shut down Hamza Poultry and start Hamza Glaziers.

Alhamdulillah, I received a very warm welcome in Turkmanistan, although I was actually trying to book a flight for Turkey. This is why the PIA needs to be privatised.

Then Modi Sarkar suddenly came to my birthday. He sang Happy Birthday to me and gave me toys. I said my grandchildren are too old for these. He said no, these are for you. Modi Sarkar’s visit was as much a surprise to me as Musharraf’s forays into Kargil in 1999. He also brought an Indian Steel magnet with him. I told him I am also steel magnet. Industry is the way forward. I have told Modi Sarkar many times that Ittefaq (Foundries) mein barkat hai.

I then invited Modi Sarkar to my granddaughter’s wedding. He brought me a pink turban that was almost as big as Kalsoom. I couldn’t even eat the qorma because it kept falling off. Shahbaz came up to me and said Nawaz Bhai, there’s a flamingo sitting on your head. I told him: shut up, it’s a gift from our guest.

Had biryani made for Modi Sarkar as he’s a vegetarian. He said but this has chicken in it. I said chicken is a vegetable.

A few days later, I met Qaim Ali Shah to talk about the presence of Rangers in Sindh. I told him you’ve been around for thousands of years and you’ll still be around after the Rangers are gone — so what are you worried about?

Despite our best efforts, we weren’t able to solve the electricity crisis or rescue Pakistan’s economy, but Inshallah, I promise the nation that this year will be different. We will stop trying.

Pakistan needs loans, the youth needs loans, the farmers need loans. Even I need loans. Our economy’s hashtag seems to be #ForeverALoan.

Yours truly, Nawaz Sharif

This satire piece was originally published in Herald's Annual 2016 issue. To read more, subscribe to Herald in print.