“What are you doing?”

I didn’t need to think hard of an answer. “I’m writing a novel,” I said, perhaps too quickly, and with just a hint of sarcasm. They didn’t seem to notice. I looked out over the school grounds, still crisp and dewy. It was too early to be here.

“It’s not a novel we need to be writing, Ava. This is due today.” Donna told me as if I didn’t know that.

“Right.” I nodded, pretending that I didn’t.

“You know, you’re running out of ’get-out-of-homework-free cards.” Iris glances at me across the table, testing my reaction. When I kept my pose, she continued. “This year barely has any group assignments, so we won’t be able to cover for you anymore. You know that, right?” I wasn’t sure if the look she gave me was meant to show sympathy or spite.

“I know," I told her. “I’m getting there. Hey, am I the only one who thinks it’s unnecessary to set an assignment for the day we’re back? Isn’t a break supposed to suggest that we actually get a break?”

“Ava, it’s high school.” Came her answer.

I felt my lips involuntarily pout. “So true, no one ever gets a break in here. We just do our work and hope to get out alive,” I told her, slipping two purple tablets into my palm. Take me to Wonderland. I heard her frustration but she didn’t say anything more.

“Do you really still need to be taking those?” Donna asked, looking up at me from her workbook.

“Doctor’s orders.” I shrugged.

“I thought you stopped seeing him two months ago.” Iris couldn’t help challenging me.

“The prescription’s still valid,” I told her, matter-of-factly. The look she gave me told me I’m an addict.

“I only need them for today.” I could feel them working already.

“I don’t see why. It’s only high school.”

Hollow laughter escaped me. “You’ve clearly been here too long.”

Frustration. “You haven’t made any effort to find something to look forward to. I can’t keep living your life for you, Ava.” She seemed to regret her words, but just slightly.

“It’s not like you have a life, anyway. I’m kind of doing you a favour.” I knew as I said it, that it wasn’t true and that I didn’t mean it, but I was no longer in control and I found myself caring a lot less than I should.

“I don’t have a life?” she echoed. “I- you just- ugh. I can’t even deal with you right now.” She gathered her books and stormed off toward the school. I waved her off while she did this.

“You shouldn’t push her, Ava. She’s been doing a lot to keep you from failing.”

I shrugged. “What am I doing? I’m just over here, living my life. And she,” I pointed toward her. “is over there…” She was there. But she wasn't alone. She was with another person. A boy person. “That’s new,” I observed.

“Yeah, while you were all zonked out on pills over the summer,” Donna gestured to the bottle. “Iris and Kevin started dating.”

“Kevin?”

“Yes, Kevin. You know him. Derek’s friend? They’re good together.” She seemed to approve.

“I don’t recall.”

“You’re missing out on a lot, you know.” She told me, quite bluntly.

“I think I’m making progress.”

“Drug dependency is not progress.”

“They’re just for stress. God! It’s not like I’m sniffing Coke.”

“I just thought the break would have helped, that’s all.”

“What if nothing ever helps?” I felt the cold creep over my skin.

“Ava, nothing is ever quite as bad as they seem.” She told me, knowingly.

“And some things are much worse,” I whispered so she couldn’t hear me. And also because I was starting to lose myself and my speech to the medication.

“How was your break anyway?” She asked, in an attempt to lighten the mood. “I can’t believe we didn’t get to see each other. I was just here the whole time and you actually got around.”

“Yeah, it was great, we went to, uh,” I forgot.

“The country right? To clear your head?”

“Right, sorry. Must have cleared too much.” Donna laughed like it was funny.

I looked back at Iris. She wasn’t just dating him. She was already in love. I could see it. I saw it in the way her face lit up when he spoke and in the way her feet didn’t seem to touch the ground. I knew how she felt. I was in love once, too, not that long ago.

“You are happy for her, though, right?”

“Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Maybe you’re not over your happy ending that never happened?”

“Your subtlety is what I love most about you.” I glared at her. She didn’t notice. “Shall we go?”

“We haven’t finished this yet-”

I was already up and halfway to the main building. I felt my surroundings shift in and out of focus. I passed Iris and Kevin in the doorway without acknowledgement and pushed through the crowds of people milling into the school. There was a buzz going around which I knew was slightly different from mine. I blamed that on the new term and didn’t think too much about it further.

I wondered how long the pills would last me and what I’d tell the good doctor when they ran out. I’d probably wasted all the good excuses. I could always just go for an old classic. Maybe I could start cutting, though I didn’t think I could stand the sight of blood this early in the morning. Or ever again.

I let the people lead me down the hallways until I ran into Derek, who took one look at me and tried to run in the opposite direction. The same crowd that brought me to him, was stopping him from going anywhere but forward so he stood there, looking defeated for a moment. I cocked my head to the side. Did I really have the will to ask about it?

“Hey, Ava.” He grinned, sheepishly.

It was too much to use vowels so I looked at him, expectantly.

“I take it you heard?” he said like he was aiding an old woman.

I nodded. “They seem happy and all that.”

He looked confused. “They?”

“He and she. They.”

“Who told you?”

“The dumb one,” I said.

“Donna?” he chuckled. “Why would you-”

“I wouldn’t normally believe her but I saw it myself.”

“You saw him?”

“Sure, I saw them.”

“And you’re okay with it?”

“Yeah, why not? It’s a semi-free country, right?”

“I thought you’d still be torn about it.”

I shrugged. “I’m over my shit. They have my blessing or whatever.”

“Okay, wow. You’re really okay with it. That’s great.”

“I’d love to stay, Derk.” I was starting to slur a little. It felt surprisingly good. “but I have to go not show up for class.”

I tried to slide away gracefully but Donna was right behind me. Sneaky bitch caught up.

“I found you,” I told her, putting my whole weight on her structure. She looked at me like I had issues, which – let’s face it – I did.

“Hey, Donna. Great news, Ava knows and she’s cool with it.” Derek beamed like it meant something. It got very hard to focus after that.

“Ava knows what?” She tried to pull me upright. “Are you okay?” she pulled at my face, though I couldn’t feel that. “You don’t look so good. Here, sit down.” She ushered me to a nearby chair.

“I’m fine… stopping fussing…” I tried to tell her but I wasn’t sure how much I was able to get out.

“What’s going on?” Iris’ voice pushed through the fog.

“She’s not looking too good.” Donna was still pulling at me.

“Well, that’s to be expected. She’s out of her mind.”

“I can hear you,” I told her, trying to get a grip just to prove her wrong. It was difficult.

She turned to look at me. “I hope you can hear me because nothing I’ve said so far has affected.”

“Why are you being so paranoid, Iris? It’s not like I’m dying.” I would know.

“I care, Ava. But I guess that’s too difficult for you to understand. I know you haven’t done that in a while.”

“I care…” I grumble, but it’s too much effort to prove it.

“Is she okay?” Derek piped up. Had he been hovering there this whole time?

“She’s fine.” Iris glared at me. “She’s just having one of her moment.”

“I’d say she’s entitled to one of those. Maybe two.” He grinned.

“What are you talking about?” Iris turned to look at him.

“Yeah, you said something about Ava knows something?” Donna stepped back and I took the chance to breathe. I did not like her aftershave.

“It’s okay, she said she was cool with it.”

“How could she be? Think logically, Derek.”

“She said she was okay with it... well, she said she saw both of them?” That was a question.

“Both of them? Who’s both of them?” Donna pulled her face into a pretzel. I felt like I should know the answer.

“Them.” I pointed at Iris. “Both of them together.”

Donna and Derek both looked at Iris. I was clearly missing something. Why was everything so tense? Why couldn’t I just lie down?

“She doesn’t know.” Iris’ voice was far so far away. Was she moving or was I?

“She said something about giving her blessing. I thought she knew.”

“She’s pretty out of it.” Donna’s voice was equally far. “I’m sure she said a bunch of stuff she doesn’t mean.”

I could see Derek bite back a smile. “Look, we should tell her, she’s going to find out. I’m actually surprised she hasn’t heard yet.”

I haven’t heard yet. Is that me? Why are people floating? Am I in a fishbowl?

“I’m surprised I haven’t heard yet.” Iris huffed. “I can’t believe this. What are we going to do?”

“What can we do?” Donna offered, ever so helpfully from beyond the fishbowl. Their words were becoming clearer. Maybe we were floating closer to each other.

“How okay would she be though? If she found out, would she handle it?” Derek asked the smarter one.

She pointed at me as if I were an attraction. “She’s on tranquilisers, what do you think?”

“I’m right here, you know,” I told her, maybe a bit louder than I should have. It was hard to know how voice travelled in this thing.

“At least she believes it.” Iris looked at me with pity. I embraced it. I deserved her sadness and her misunderstanding. She didn’t know. She’d never understand.

“Who does she think she’s fooling?” She said this to herself, but her whispers echoed in the tank and I heard her like she didn’t hear me. Every syllable resonated and I had a moment of clarity, a moment in which I pieced together the broken conversation of half-meant hints and phrases. There was only one reason my friends would be acting so weird and suddenly I knew that none of my pills were going to help me through this. Not even the prescription kind.