



It’s fun to control women.

Obviously I don’t mean in a physical way—that’s for uncomely chumps who can’t get laid. I’m speaking in a purely psychological sense. The modern, dulled, masculine mind is fertile ground for female war crimes—which makes fighting fire with fire the imperative choice of battle. This precious, lost art form has been relegated to The Hall of Taboos, and like any good taboo, the more frowned-upon it becomes, the more fun it is for me to enjoy.

It’s become bad out there for menfolk. The only way I can see society returning the reins to the mighty males is if we take them ourselves. We must revert to our old ways if we ever hope to wear the testicles in the family again. And I believe that having strong female influences in my life has given me some additional insight into how their minds work. Although witnessing how they controlled the men in their lives also left me with an unfortunate impression of said males, while instructing me on exactly what NOT to do when it comes to relations with the unfairer sex.

I’ve compiled a helpful, truncated list, since most of your pathetic, bite-sized attention spans can’t handle any traditional long form. This list has been compiled through much personal trial and error with healthy doses of shame.

1. Don’t tell them what they want to hear. Contrary to what every screeching hussy tells you, women live on permanent Opposite Day. Doing the inverse of everything they say is paramount to your own happiness and her submissiveness, which is the key to her happiness/

2. Own a cat. They’re great practice in dealing with temperamental, needy, and indecisive females. Let the pussy come to you when it feels ready. Pussies don’t like to be smothered. I should clarify—own only ONE cat. Any more, and you’ll become a pussy-whipped Nancy-Boy whose profile picture is of you and your pussy.

3. Make them watch you work out. Getting comfortable is the enemy. Don’t let your relationship atrophy along with your muscles. Though I recommend working on your form first. Looking like a spaghettified goof will have the inverse effect. The late, great Patrice O’Neal once said, “I have to look good…so that you act right.”

4. Codependency is poisonous. Don’t let them believe for a second that your happiness is in any way tied to them. They want stoicism, not another crybaby train wreck clinging to their every whim.

5. Use absolutely ZERO text-speak. No “LOLs” “OMGs” and especially not emoticons. These are for women. Coming from a man, this will turn a fertile, lush rainforest into an arid wasteland.

6. Be a dick. Seriously. My longest relationships are parallel to the length of time I acted like a constantly annoyed dick. You could be unemployed and fused to the fibers in your couch, but if you act as if you can do better, she will still worship your expanding ass.

7. Walk out on as many arguments as possible. Few things frustrate a woman like a man on the lam. Warning: Overusing this method may transform your woman into a psychotic banshee and encourage her to get violent with you.

8. Put down the game controller and pick up a hammer. There’s something about physically fixing/building things that gets the softer species all hot and bothered. It drives them wild that a man could possibly be so focused and dedicated on something other than them. To clarify, refrain from house chores that do not involve building or repairing something. Doing the dishes turns their vaginas inside-out, and so does pretend accomplishments (videogames).

9. Don’t EVER talk about your feelings. Modern women boast that they love when a guy opens up to them, but this is only because you’ve given them the keys to your mind. They WILL have a party in there and completely fuck up the furniture.

10. Ignore them—their texts, calls, messages, likes, Tweets and wall postings. Fear of the unknown is the ultimate lubricator.

If even half of my fellow American men followed these easy steps, we’d throw off the tyrannical vaginal yoke once and for all. Don’t let women fool you, fellas—they need men. It’s not a coincidence that modern feminists have become exponentially annoying alongside plummeting testosterone levels. The deficiency of capable cocks is driving them cuckoo.

Just be sure to keep this knowledge among us men. Simply writing this piece ended a relationship of mine. Above all else, women HATE the truth being shoved in their faces.



—TONY HEARTMAN