ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The two men trying to win this year’s Federal Election have declined the opportunity to lambast the man responsible for publishing thousands of Islamophobic news articles in recent times.

Both Scott Morrison, the Prime Nightwatchman of Australia, and the man trying to take his job, Bradbury Shorten, have said they’re both in the business of winning an election and to do so, they need to be in Rupert Mrudoch’s good books.

Speaking to the media this morning outside a popular fish and chip shop in Sydney’s south, the Nighwatchman told journalists that Rupert Murdoch was ‘one of Australia’s finest exports’ and a ‘great man’.

“I’ve only met him once or twice but from my limited exposure to him, I’ve found Rupert Murdoch to be a kind, handsome and intelligent man,” he said.

“His newspapers are the last bastion of honest journalism in this country and for that our democracy owes him a debt of gratitude,”

“If my predecessor didn’t remove Knights and Dames from our honor system, I’d have him knighted.”

Not to be outdone by his opposite number, Bill Shorten said that while he and Rupert don’t see eye to eye on many things, there’s still love there.

Bill was approached by reporters after jumping the fence into the Brighton Baths this morning.

After telling them he wasn’t prepared to pay the entry costs into the bourgeois, elitist health club, Shorten said he’s spoke to Murdoch a couple times and has come to the conclusion that he’s a ‘pretty decent human being’.

“Oh yeah,” he said.

“Rupert Murdoch is a solid bloke. He’s a self-made man, you know? He donated heavily to Bob Hawke’s campaigns. He fights for the working man, just like I do,”

“I know he’s published some hectic shit in the past but haven’t we all? I dunno, I like the bloke. He’s a real Australian. Did Scott say the same?”

A number of Greens politicians, however, said that Murdoch and his newspapers are the ‘root of all evil’ in our country – but that hot take was met with shrugs by all who happened to hear it.

More to come.