It has been a whirlwind of a week. But I feel like a lot of steps toward recovery and forward progress have been made. I became very suicidal last Sunday and went to the emergency room. I was scarring myself because the intensity and duration of these thoughts was much greater than previous ones. So much so that I now had a plan, it had not only a how, but a when and where, too. I knew that therapy alone at the pace it was going wasn’t enough for me. I was hoping to get a referral from the lcsw in the E.R. to psychiatrists that I could set up within a day or two. Unfortunately, the lcsw had gone home for the night and the next one wouldn’t be there for another 9 hours. The doctor, Dr. Collman, was very straightforward. He talked to me for about an hour. I know. An E.R. doctor that was able and cared enough to spend such time with a mental health patient. I was nervous about going to the E.R. because all of my previous experiences lead me to expect that going to an E.R. will lead to your freedom and sense of control being taken away.

That was not the case. Dr. Collman asked very bluntly, “have you been abused?”. Yes. “That’s the cause”. I still think in disbelief that it isn’t the cause, that there is something inherently wrong with me and that I should have more control over it. Dr. Collman did say something, however, that let me feel greatly at ease. After finding out that I hadn’t been in regular therapy over the last 5 years, he said

You’ve been sick since you were a child. Not only have you not been getting treatment the last five years, but you haven’t been getting the treatment you need your whole life. You’ve been sick your whole life and it will probably take years of therapy to be able to manage 24 years of being sick. You will probably need therapy for the rest of your life

Those words didn’t sink in like a burden of self hatred, but lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Maybe this really is an illness? Maybe I shouldn’t hold myself so personally responsible for every single failure. Maybe. I met with my psychiatrist two days later and she used another example along the same lines

Think of yourself like a diabetic. You need to see a doctor regularly, to get insulin shots, to balance your diet, daily things need changed to manage your disease. Now think about that diabetic if they haven’t been seeing a doctor for five years.

I know you don’t blame the person who has diabetes for their illness. You don’t blame them for using a needle to inject insulin, that behavior is a part of their illness. But can I not blame myself when my illness leads to behaviors that are so unsavory? I’m working on forgiving myself and accepting everything that I’ve done. I know that everything that happened is what led to the me right now and that will lead to a better me because I’m more committed to therapy and long term goals than I have ever been.

Unfortunately, the flipside of this is that when I feel the slightest bit discouraged it is magnified to the extreme.

This is a bit of a ramble, but I wanted to write something as I’ve been out for a while. It’s good to keep track of where you’ve been so you can know better where you’re going.