Those who suffer from PND have a 25-50 per cent chance of relapse

Despite wanting big families, they have had to stop after having one

Libby Vaughan, Lianne Harris and Emma Pollard have admitted post-natal depression (PND) has left them too scared to have another child

Before Libby Vaughan became a mother, she had imagined a family filled with the chaotic camaraderie of sibling love. The three children she longed for would make dens in the living room, their laughter reverberating around the house.

They would tear around the garden in summer and snuggle on the sofa in winter. ‘I planned to replicate my own happy childhood with the companionship brothers and sisters bring,’ says Libby, herself one of five siblings.

But after giving birth for the first time, she suffered such severe depression she has now decided there will not be a second time, let alone a third. Despite Libby’s dreams of a large family, her son Harry, four, will remain an only child.

Libby Vaughan, 34, from Denbigh, North Wales, pictured above with her son Harry, aged four. She had imagined that she would have a big family but she suffered such severe depression she has now decided there will not be a second time

‘I have a strong sense of loss and feel guilty Harry won’t have that sibling bond I enjoyed,’ says Libby, 34. ‘But having postnatal depression again would destroy me.’

Her story echoes that of singer Adele, 28, who last week admitted that post-natal depression following the birth of her four-year-old son Angelo had left her ‘too scared’ to have another baby.

Sadly, these fears may be justified. It has been claimed women who suffer from postnatal depression (PND) after their first baby could have a 25-50 per cent chance of relapse after subsequent births.

‘I see women pregnant for a second time who are terrified their PND will return, and many are too scared to contemplate a second pregnancy at all,’ says Dr Raja Gangopadhyay, consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist at West Hertfordshire Hospitals NHS Trust.

Adele, 28, above, last week admitted that post-natal depression following the birth of her four-year-old son Angelo had left her ‘too scared’ to have another baby

Libby says she is still affected: ‘I suffer flashbacks from that awful time. Nobody can persuade me it is worth going through again'

Ten weeks after Harry’s birth Libby, from Denbigh, North Wales, finally consulted her GP. He diagnosed her with PND, which affects around 15 per cent of mothers and carries symptoms ranging from anger and obsession to sadness and regret

But while he stresses that ‘with adequate care and support, a full recovery is possible’, Libby is still affected. ‘I suffer flashbacks from that awful time,’ she says. ‘Nobody can persuade me it is worth going through again.’

She suspected something wasn’t ‘right’ within hours of Harry’s birth in June 2012. ‘I felt overwhelmed by responsibility,’ says Libby, a mature student in an 11-year relationship with partner Daniel, 34, a health worker. ‘I couldn’t allow myself to put Harry down for more than a few minutes, convinced he would come to harm.’

Her illness was cloaked in secrecy and shame. ‘I didn’t want anyone to think I couldn’t cope. I tried to hide my feelings from Daniel — leaving the room to cry and pushing him away when he cuddled me. A distance grew between us.’

All the while, she says: ‘I wanted to die. I wouldn’t have killed myself and left Harry but I fantasised about being run over by a bus, so someone else could make the decision for me.’

Ten weeks after Harry’s birth Libby, from Denbigh, North Wales, finally consulted her GP. He diagnosed her with PND, which affects around 15 per cent of mothers and carries symptoms ranging from anger and obsession to sadness and regret. She was referred for counselling, and gradually began to feel more positive.

Emma Pollard, 33, from Nailstone, Warwickshire, was also put her off having a second child.

Emma, pictured with Millie who is two and a half, says: ‘I had expected to feel a rush of love towards Millie. Instead I went from being a career woman to being stuck at home crying, convinced that becoming a mother had been the biggest mistake of my life'

The subject of a second baby arose when Harry was six months. ‘At a family gathering someone asked when we would have another,’ says Libby. ‘In front of everyone I said, “there won’t be any more children”. I had always dreamed of having a daughter I would call Lilyana, whose hair I would tie in bows. But I realised then with sadness she would never exist. I could tell nobody believed me, though. They were convinced I’d change my mind.’

That evening she discussed the subject with Daniel, himself one of four siblings, for the first time. ‘He said, “never say never” — he too thought I’d reconsider.’

Over the following months Libby’s PND segued into guilt. ‘Daniel was being denied the chance to have the big family he wanted,’ says Libby. ‘I felt I’d failed him. Of course, there is no guarantee I will get PND again but we both know my mental health would be at risk, and by the time Harry was a toddler Daniel agreed with my decision.’

Yet Libby is still tormented by regret: ‘In school holidays Harry has nobody to play with, and on his birthday, another child in the house would help him celebrate. One of my childhood Christmas traditions was opening stockings with my brothers and sisters on my parents’ bed. Knowing Harry won’t do that makes me feel unbelievably sad.’

Unfortunately, Libby’s feelings are all too common. ‘Postnatal depression is harrowing and can have a huge impact on the decision to have another child,’ says Tillie Mabbutt of the foundation PANDAS — Pre And PostNatal Depression Advice and Support.

From the first days of motherhood, Emma’s PND distanced her from her daughter: ‘I would pass Millie to relatives so I could get out of the room — anything to avoid looking at her'

When Millie was eight weeks old Emma consulted her GP. ‘I broke down in tears as he diagnosed me with postnatal depression and referred me for counselling.’ But her condition deteriorated and she grew suicidal

For mothers who have enjoyed successful careers and independence alien to previous generations, the symptoms of PND can seem crippling — compounding their determination to avoid it again at all costs.

Emma Pollard, 33, a solicitor, found herself lamenting the loss of her former life after the birth of her daughter Millie in August 2014. ‘I had expected to feel a rush of love towards Millie,’ recalls Emma.

‘Instead I went from being a career woman to being stuck at home crying, convinced that becoming a mother had been the biggest mistake of my life. And then I would cry even more out of guilt and self-loathing for not loving my baby as I was supposed to.’

She and her husband Denis, 40, bought their four-bedroom house in Nailstone, Warwickshire, in July 2013 with the intention of filling it with children. Emma, who has a younger brother, says: ‘As one of three siblings Denis wanted three children, so I assumed we’d have two or three.’

But from the first days of motherhood Emma’s PND distanced her from her daughter: ‘I would pass Millie to relatives so I could get out of the room — anything to avoid looking at her.’

Her condition — and her marriage — only began to improve when she started seeing a private counsellor when Millie was six months old

When Millie was eight weeks old Emma consulted her GP. ‘I broke down in tears as he diagnosed me with postnatal depression and referred me for counselling.’

But her condition deteriorated and she grew suicidal. ‘I remember working out what time Denis would be home from work, and when I would need to overdose so Millie wouldn’t be without me for too long before he arrived,’ she says.

She called Denis, a chef, in tears, and he rushed home. But their nine-year marriage was pushed almost to breaking point. ‘I would call him at work telling him I wanted to die. I shouted at him for putting his career first, and not being at home when I needed him. He would snap back that he was trying his hardest. I didn’t think our marriage would survive.’

Her condition — and her marriage — only began to improve when she started seeing a private counsellor when Millie was six months old. ‘I realised I did love my daughter and wasn’t a bad person, and by the time Millie was nine months I began to bond with her.’

Lianne Harris, from Harlow, Essex, with her baby Benjamin who is 5 months old. She has already abandoned her dreams of having another child and sibling for her son

It was then she realised she had to abandon her dreams of more children. ‘I understood that I wasn’t strong enough to survive PND again — nor would my marriage.

‘I felt a sense of grief. I had wanted a son and mourned for the loss of what might have been.’

Most people, she says, still expect her to change her mind. ‘There is no guarantee I’ll get PND again. But there is every chance I will.’

Six months ago, Emma and Denis put their family home on the market. ‘It feels empty and it makes sense to move somewhere smaller,’ says Emma. ‘We have a beautiful daughter and although this isn’t the family I planned, Millie is the centre of our world.’

Lianne Harris has fond memories of growing up as the youngest of five. ‘Siblings are not only allies — they are the part of you that remains when your parents die,’ says Lianne, 30. ‘I’ve always believed only children to be spoilt and wanted four of my own.’

But although her son Benjamin is only five months old she has abandoned her dreams.

Like an estimated one third of mothers who develop PND, Lianne, a legal costs negotiator, became depressed before Benjamin was born. ‘At eight months pregnant I just stopped being excited, which was confusing and frightening,’ she says

‘I am going through a grieving process,’ says Lianne, from Harlow, Essex, married to Ashley, 30, a mortician. ‘But I’m worried that even one more baby would ruin my marriage.’ Like an estimated one third of mothers who develop PND, Lianne, a legal costs negotiator, became depressed before Benjamin was born. ‘At eight months pregnant I just stopped being excited, which was confusing and frightening,’ she says.

Her GP prescribed her antidepressants to relieve her symptoms — only for them to return, magnified, within days of Benjamin’s birth in May. ‘We bonded but looking after him was more relentless than I could ever have imagined,’ she says. ‘I lost my sense of identity and couldn’t stop crying.’

Lianne, whose GP increased her dosage of antidepressants when Benjamin was six weeksold , hadn’t anticipated the impact a baby would have on her marriage to Ashley either.

‘I felt furious he could escape when I’d had to sacrifice my career to look after our baby. Every night we had blazing rows and a distance grew between us. I was giving so much affection to Benjamin that I didn’t feel I had enough left to give to my husband.’

Although she still suffers from depression, Lianne insists her mind is made up: ‘Benjamin is going to miss out on the sibling bonds I benefited from. I worry he’ll be spoilt and lonely and I feel guilty'

She came to the decision there’d be no more children one evening two months ago, when she and Ashley were about to go on their first date since Benjamin’s birth. Ashley was ironing a blouse for his wife to wear when he accidentally creased it.

‘I burst into tears, saying I wouldn’t be able to wear it, that the night out I’d been looking forward to for months had been ruined,’ says Lianne.

‘I locked myself in the bathroom, too angry to speak. I knew I was irrational but couldn’t help myself. Ashley was banging on the door, worried sick. When I came out — our evening cancelled — I told him a baby had put a wedge between us and I was scared a second would tear us apart altogether.’

Fortunately for Lianne, Ashley had no desire to change her mind. ‘He has a sister nine years younger, so his upbringing was like that of an only child and as he was happy, he thinks Benjamin can be, too.’

Since then she and Ashley have been rebuilding their marriage. ‘Breaking down that evening forced us to speak openly,’ she says.

Although she still suffers from depression, she insists her mind is made up: ‘Benjamin is going to miss out on the sibling bonds I benefited from. I worry he’ll be spoilt and lonely and I feel guilty.