Steve Bannon is infamous for two things: being the ex-proprietor of Breitbart.com -- that place on the internet where unsuccessful white men go to blame others for their shortcomings -- and being the current Jafar-like aide to Donald Trump. That's all that most people know about the man. He's a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in the loose-fitting skin of some hobo he murdered.

We decided to confront this mystery head-on and dug into the collective archive of humanity. Our conclusion? Following his boss's example of inserting himself where he isn't wanted, Bannon has been able to slither into so many iconic cultural moments that he's pretty much our answer to Forrest Gump. (Yes, we know SNL just aired a sketch portraying Jeff Sessions as Forrest Gump. It turns out Trump has a knack for hiring Gumpian people.)

Paramount Pictures

"Life is like a box of chocolates, but if just three would kill you ..."

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Check it:

Bannon's remarkable story starts after graduating college when he joined the Navy -- which seemed like a good fit, as he already knew what he'd look like as a bloated corpse. He qualified as a surface warfare officer aboard the USS Paul F. Foster, which in 1980 was tasked with escorting the USS Nimitz to the Persian Gulf. That vessel served as one of the main staging posts for the rescue of U.S. embassy workers taken hostage during the 1979 revolution in Iran. "Operation Eagle Claw" was such a massive disaster that it caused the deaths of eight servicemen without any of the hostages being rescued -- a humiliating outcome for the U.S. forces present. We can't conclusively state that this is where Bannon first got his hate-boner for Islam, but shit, that might be like arguing Batman didn't get his start when his mother's pearls hit the ground.

Steve Bannon

Library Of Congress

Has anyone tried screaming "MARTHA!" at him?

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Like many others who were present at the Iran hostage crisis, Bannon developed a massive aversion to Democratic President Jimmy Carter. So when he came back home, he immediately glommed onto Carter's opponent, Republican Ronald Reagan. Later that year, he used his military stripes to force himself and his pals into the victory party for the newly elected President Reagan, where he noticed firsthand how far one can go by prioritizing style over substance.

AP

Which would explain his "Did Jews Kill The Gipper?" Breitbart headline ...

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

After graduating from college (again), he cut his teeth at Goldman Sachs as an investment banker in the mergers and acquisitions department. That put him right at the heart of Wall Street during its "greed is good" era -- i.e. the reason that every '80s movie has a villain with slicked-back hair and suspenders and subplot about hostile takeovers.

For the most part, Bannon was relegated to being an enforcer, tasked with defending boardrooms from hordes of mercenary bankers and coked-up shareholders. On the rare occasion that he did some raiding of his own, it involved a little outfit called Bain Capital, which was being run by Mitt Romney.