It’s been a long time since we’ve checked in on the misadventures of Eric Hites, aka Fat Guy Across America. ICYMI, basically he’s exactly what his chosen moniker describes him as, some fat guy who planned to bike across America. The goal started out as winning back his estranged wife and transforming himself from Fat Guy into perhaps Moderately Chubby or Large But Not Blood Type: Mayonnaise Guy, but critics say he lost his way both figuratively and literally, turning out to be the same fat guy he was nearly two years, 800 miles, and -40 lbs ago.

In other words, he’s less Fat Guy Across America and more Fat Guy Who Might Eventually Get Across America But Probably Not Because Reasons.

When we first profiled Fat Guy Across America in May, we did so because he closed his GoFundMe campaign to donations. You see, FGAA is either the unluckiest bastard on the planet or he has this pesky tendency of blaming the bad shit that happens to him pretty much constantly on everyone and everything but himself. In an update posted to the campaign when he first closed it to donations, he — in true FGAA fashion — blamed the incessant trolls who exist solely to harass and belittle him every waking moment of his miserable life (note: read the preceding with a heavy smattering of sarcasm and a side of bacon, er, skepticism):

I will no longer be using Gofundme. I thank you all very much for.your support so far. The harrasment I’ve been receiving is too much for me and too much for Gofundme as they get bombarded daily with insults and harrasment. So, I am closing gofundme. Follow me on my Facebook page and I thank you for your support. Just because gofundme is closed, does not mean I am done, so follow along and if you think I’m doing good, feel free to click support the ride!

At some point — approximately two months after he closed it but don’t quote us on that, we’re using the same fuzzy math and guesstimation Eric seems to use whenever he weighs himself (read: basically none at all) — Eric reopened the GoFundMe campaign to donations once again and raised the goal from $20k to $25k. Then, just 15 days ago, he closed it again. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. ALSO, PUT DOWN THE OREOS.

This time, he thankfully did not mention trolls, so either they have moved on or he finally achieved some level of self-awareness and has accepted that what he perceives as “trolling” is actual reasonable skepticism of his claims. Or something. He thanked donors for their support and said he is “closing the gofundme and working towards self funding the remainder of the journey.” Whether or not he commits to that the same way he has thrown himself into his alleged journey across America remains to be seen.

Some time between all this cyberbegging and unbegging, someone named Gabby Henry put up a petition to stop Fat Guy Across America from spreading his chain-smoking, Strava-cheating message “across” America:

Fat Guy Across America started this journey in early 2015 to ride his bike across America from East coast to West coast to Loose weight, get healthy and get his life back together,so he could gain useful employment and have a future. As of today he has only rode 800 miles and now has a personal trainer and a diet that provides his food for him. as of today he is begging for money,to finish this journey,(Has received $15,000 + in Go Fund Me and ???? amount in PayPal , plus personal donation and goods(including a free bike This has turned into a vacation and a way of life so he doesn’t have to get healthy and earn a living PLEASE SIGN AND LETS GET THIS STOPPED

It has gathered a pathetic yet admirable 39 signatures.

Unlike his cholesterol numbers, Fat Guy’s Facebook updates have dwindled down to record lows, so perhaps this is the beginning of a long overdue end to the whole biking farce after all.

Meanwhile, it seems he’s still burning calories defending himself against the “trolls” on what few Facebook posts he’s making these days.

To date, Fat Guy Across America has raised $16,187 via GoFundMe.

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