Man Feels Uneasy When Rod Serling Gives Opening Narration Near Him

DALLAS — Quarantined man Forest Whitlock was struck with a feeling of great anxiety today upon seeing Rod Serling, host of the 1959 series ‘The Twilight Zone,’ in Whitlock’s driveway providing one of his trademark opening narrations.

“He’s just standing out there monologuing about something. I thought I heard him say ‘pandemic’ and ‘raw bat,’ but I couldn’t be sure,” said a visibly distressed Whitlock as Serling puffed on a cigarette. “Sure, things have gotten pretty weird, what with the empty streets, social distancing, and everyone wearing masks… but I didn’t think it was ‘Twilight Zone’ bad. I swear, if I see a giant floating eyeball next, I’m breaking quarantine and getting as far as fucking away from here as possible.”

Forest’s wife Abiah Whitlock acknowledged her husband is struggling with the “new normal.”

“I told him, ‘My dear, sweet Forest, we couldn’t be more normal,’” explained Abiah before coughing and taking Advil for a fever. “I’ve always worked from home, and always will — he is the one acting strangely, not us.”

“I think he’d find that he would be more comfortable if he just joined us,” she added, which was punctuated by all of Forest’s friends and neighbors standing six feet apart on their lawn chanting, “join us” in unison.

Sources crossed over to the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, to reach Serling for comment.

“I present to you a man, one of no special characteristics, except one: he is a healthy man in a world he does not know is sick,” Serling said while gesturing to Whitlock’s house. “He may not know it yet, but the path he will be forced to take will lead to a destination of isolation and fear — one that his loving wife and neighbors have already traveled. Did this destination bring them peace, or horror? All we know is that no matter which turns he takes, this man will somehow find himself, in ‘The Twilight Zone.’”

At press time, Serling had materialized in front of the White House, allegedly monologuing about a sexist, racist, unsuccessful real estate developer that, in an ironic twist, became President of the United States.