Your Package’s Tracking Updates Get Very Real

1-15-17 8:55

BEND, OR

Package shipped.

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1-15-17 11:14

PORTLAND, OR

Package arrived at USPS origin facility.

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1-15-17 11:15

PORTLAND, OR

Package accepted at USPS origin facility.

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1-15-17 11:20

PORTLAND, OR

Package given little tour of USPS origin facility.

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1-15-17 11:35

PORTLAND, OR

Package dropped down flight of stairs of USPS origin facility.

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1-15-17 11:36

PORTLAND, OR

Package stolen by opossum from USPS origin facility.

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1-15-17 13:36

PORTLAND, OR

Opossum tracked down by USPS but refused to disclose location of package.

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1-15-17 13:45

PORTLAND, OR

Package spotted fleeing in Toyota Camry.

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1-16-17 00:17

HELENA, MT

Package checked into room at Motel 6 under alias.

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1-16-17 01:05

HELENA, MT

Package charged rental of Ride Along 2 to you ($6.00 +processing).

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1-16-17 10:44

SWEET GRASS, MT

Package arrived US-Can. border checkpoint with mustache and sunglasses.

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1-16-17 10:48

SWEET GRASS, MT

Package ran border, gunfight ensued, package escaped bleeding into woods.

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1-16-17 21:30

WOODS

Package thirsty, bleeding out.

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1-17-17 07:15

CABIN OF BEARDED LONER,WOODS

Package arrived, bandaged, fed soup, allowed to convalesce on bed.

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1-20-17 09:23

CABIN OF BEARDED LONER,WOODS

Package departed with clean clothes and three days provisions.

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1-20-17 13:06

A STUMP, WOODS

Package needed to sit.

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1-20-17 20:14

CAMPSITE, WOODS

Packaged arrived, slept under stars.

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1-21-17 12:20

CARDSTON, AB

Package arrived, gets bite in seedy diner run by attractive but world-weary woman who takes shine to your package and offers it a line-cook job.

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1-30-17 11:30

CARDSTON, AB

Package finding it really enjoys its job and the town. Enjoys being around new boss even though she’s tough. Finding underneath her tough exterior is truly warm and giving personality, and that she’s only tough because life has made her so.

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2-1-17 01:30

CARDSTON, AB

Package arrives at her house in the rain. Your package knows this is crazy but your package is in love with her. She is everything your package has wanted, all that your package has searched for. She says No, She has been here before and knows where this always leads. Your package pleads. It says the world is hard and the world is cruel, and chances for happiness are so rare, but if she can just believe in your package’s love it knows it can be good to her, and can make her feel the love she deserves. She knows it’s stupid, that this is the mistake she always makes, but a part of her still needs to believe and she accepts. They make passionate love. They fall asleep in each other’s arms.

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2-1-17 08:22

CARDSTON, AB

Royal Canadian Mounted Police arrive. They inform her as she stands in her dressing gown that a Package that killed six Border Patrol and RCMP Officers may be hiding in the area. They ask her if She has seen your package or any like it. She says no and they implore her to be safe and inform them if she sees anything before they depart. When she returns to the bedroom your package is trying climb out the window. She stares at your package and knows the truth. Your package never meant to hurt her. She tells your package to depart, She screams it. Package Departs.

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2-4-17 09:38

In transit to destination.

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3-7-17 12:14

JUNEAU, AK

Package arrives at bar with money stolen from parked car. Drinks until processed out by bouncers.

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3-9-17 23:44

ST. THERESE, AK

Your package would love some smack right now — don’t even joke about that dude. For real, you holdin?

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3-999999999999999999999999

ALL HAIL KING POSSUM!

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4-2-17 07:22

ROME, IT

Your package is in Rome. Doesn’t know how it got to Rome.

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6-18-17 12:33

VISBY, SW

Who’s a package? You callin’ me a package? The name’s Sven and I don’t know nothin’ bout’ bein’ no package.

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12-23-17 13:41

LIMA, PE

Your package always gets depressed this time of year.

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01-23-18 21:35

MCMURDO STATION, AN

“What are you supposed to be, some kinda package?”

“…I don’t like to talk about it.”

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3-11-18 04:03

JUNEAU-DOUGLAS BRIDGE, AK

Package arrived at bridge. No longer able to cope. It has made too many mistakes. It has hurt itself. It has hurt others beyond anything forgivable. Out of options. Hope decayed. Your package stared into icy, churning water below, deciding once and for all. As it stared, It heard the sound of tattering. Something flapping in the wind. It looked down to see its address label still clinging to its body. Your package realizes at last that there is one place it can go, where it could always have gone, to you.

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3-12-18 12:33

ANCHORAGE, AK

You don’t understand. There’s a boy out there and he needs me. He needs what’s inside me. Please you have to listen. Yes I know you’re closed but will you PLEASE JUST LISTEN. This is one of those times, they don’t come around too often, but now and again you get a chance to do something truly special. To truly HELP SOMEONE. No, please don’t dial 911 that isn’t necessary, please don’t. Please, if you could only know what I’ve been through. I just need you to scan me. Please just scan me, it’s all I ask. Please. It’s all I need.

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3-15-18 16:42

YOUR HOUSE

It’s raining. Your package hasn’t slept the whole trip. From the windows it watches the road signs roll past. Knowing each one brings it closer to you. It sees your town’s sign, it sees your street sign. Then there it is. It’s been so long. It doesn’t know what to say. What does your package say at a time like this. But there you are, there through the window, on your couch. Will you know, it wonders. Will you even recognize it. It’s there on your porch. It’s waiting for you to open the door.

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Review: 2/5

Certified Purchase

Comments: Arrived late. Rough condition. Otherwise DVDs all played ok. Not as good as Season 2, but Greg is still hilarious and I love Dharma.