WASHINGTON—As he bolted upright on the couch where he lay beneath a pile of empty Fig Newton wrappers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly took his first phone call from President Trump in 18 months, mumbling, “Whatavirus?” while he brushed crumbs off his bare stomach and chest. “No—I’m awake, I’m awake—was actually just in the middle of a big important meeting here,” Pence said as he frantically rummaged in the couch cushions for the remote to mute the 700 Club rerun blaring from the television in the den of his official residence at Number One Observatory Circle. “Corona what now? And it’s some kind of plague going around? You bet, Mr. President, I’d be happy to help. And this press conference at the White House—do I need to wear a suit? Ha, of course, of course. Just kidding. I’ll be there in—uh, shoot, I have a plate of pizza rolls in the microwave, but I tell you what, I’ll just take those to-go!” At press time, sources confirmed a disoriented Pence had been seen darting from room to room in search of a clean shirt before finally pulling a rumpled one from his hamper and sprinting out the door.

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