Well, I’m sure we all know why I’m here, don’t we? So let’s get on with it. Here is my advice for my adorable little namesake – although, quite honestly, all he has done so far is cause me unending quantities of grief. So if you ever come across this when you can read, Arch, in the long run an OBE would seem about right. Anyway, welcome to team Archie, and:

Be grateful it’s not Archibald

If it’s Archibald, there is a better than nil chance – which will, to your surprise, only increase when you demand at school, as I did, that your peers should use the shortened version – that you will be nicknamed Baldy. This may evolve to Slaphead or Kojak, or similar. There are easier epithets with which to navigate adolescence. In your case, they will probably have other material to work with, come to think of it. I’ve already been called Prince by six people, so I don’t have a lot of sympathy on this point. Also, your suffixlessness is the only thing about your name that is remotely modern or unconventional, as was so breathlessly trailed. And I guess it will be nice to be reminded that you’re modern and unconventional when you are made to wear epaulettes to your wedding day. On the minus side, it does leave me in the appalling position of having a posher version of my name than an actual prince. Today is very bad.

Don’t get any big ideas about being a professional footballer

Gemmill had that locked up in the 1970s. Panjabi’s on acting. Journalism’s mine. You can cover screaming and drinking milk. Stay in your lane, and we’ll all be fine.

There are loads of us these days. Get used to it

When I was little, it was just a weird name. But it has caught on. Now it’s consistently in the top 20, and I keep thinking people are screaming at me to leave that dog alone when I go to the park, because I’m not historically adapted to it, as I guess Georges and Sarahs probably were in my day. And now, thanks to you, that effect is only going to be heightened. And I am going to think someone is screaming at me to leave that dog alone for the rest of my life.

Never go out with anyone called Betty or Veronica

Archie Andrews, the eponymous star of the American comic book, was constantly caught between these two, and if you should ever fall for anyone so named, you will never hear the end of it. Although, given your great-grandmother, in your case it would probably be a bit weird to go out with a Betty anyway. Do steer clear of the Veronicas, though. I feel like you’re going to meet a lot of Veronicas. They’ll only be after one thing, Arch!

Don’t bother asking anyone to maintain an archive of most embarrassing headlines

I imagine my WhatsApp group chats will take care of this for both of us.