WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble socioeconomic inferiors, America’s rich and powerful were at a loss Wednesday as to exactly when the rest of the country would finally relinquish all hope and simply give up, sources close to the 1 percent confirmed. “What exactly is wrong with them? I mean, there’s no possible way they’ll ever stop us from getting everything we want, so the poor—and I suppose what’s left of the middle class—are only delaying the inevitable,” said one outrageously wealthy citizen, speaking on expectation of anonymity and adding that, realistically, no one in their right mind could possibly see the use of struggling against those who control the nation’s media, financial, and political institutions. “I suppose I should admire their sheer animal persistence, but, Christ, it’s been over since we somehow got them to accept that trickle-down bullshit. I know, I know, we tied their education to their property taxes to encourage them to ass-fuck themselves almost as hard as they ass-fucked their neighbors, but to think they’re so stupid they can’t get the concept of ‘being fucked’ through their thick skulls?” At press time, the nation’s most wealthy and influential citizens said they felt a sense of renewed hope and optimism upon realizing how few poor people had voted in recent elections.

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