THE transport secretary is to solve Britain’s rail problems using a foolproof strategy called ‘more privatisation’.

Chris Grayling and his team worked through the night to come up with the idea of fixing Britain’s feeble train network by putting more of it into private hands.

Undersecretary Nathan Muir said: “Chris had us doing all these exercises to get us out of our conventional way of thinking and generate genuinely left-field ideas.

“We knew that the problems of spiralling fares, huge subsidies and chronic mismanagement were down to privatisation, so we approached the issue backwards.

“What’s the very last thing anyone would think of, the solution so outlandish nobody is considering it? Then it came to us: more privatisation.

“Free market competition always drives up standards, especially in a situation where the consumer will only ever have a choice of one thing.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “Now, the trains. I’m sure we’ve got a policy on this, haven’t we?

“We must try to get a press release out before Christmas.”