Oaktopia is leaving Denton for Dallas. They'll probably move to East Dallas or Bishop Arts and share a Power Properties rental with a few college friends or god forbid, Randos. For the first few months they'll miss Denton a lot and even make the trip a few times, despite how much the drive sucks and bitch so much about Dallas and how traffic is awful and everything is so spread out and how expensive drinks are ($3 well specials?!).

One night they'll decide NOT to go to Denton and maybe check out one of those places they've heard so much about, like RBC's All Outkast Everything // Dallas (wow, Dallas is so diverse they have hip hop here, woowwww), Double Wide (yoohoo yeehaw? I'll try it) or The Wild Detectives (do you guys have cold brew?) and they'll have realized they spent $40 that night and go back home with a pit in their stomach, not because of the amount of money spent, but because they actually had a good time. After a while, 40 miles becomes the same as 400 as far as the drive is concerned, because they're not going back unless its for birthdays or graduations--both of which happen on the same weekend, thank god.

Eventually they'll probably become a lot more pragmatic about their aspirations. Instead of raging against the machine on the daily, they'll join the DSA. Instead of wanting to play music for life, they'll end up working at a yuppie job like an ad agency whose whimsical office culture (masquerading how underpaid they are) will seem like a natural fit for them, allowing them to go home early to practice for their set at Armoury, D.E. or Outward Bound Mixtape Sessions.

Critical Mass is still a thing, though, and as they let go of the handlebars and stand up on the bicycle going on momentum alone down Singleton across from Trinity Groves, they briefly close their eyes and remember how just six months ago they were riding in the exact same manner in Denton on Oak next to the Courthouse, only shirtless, but the feeling of freedom is still there as they lose momentum, open their eyes and quickly move the bike out the way before they hit a homeless guy.

A year later they'll go back to catch up with a few friends. They'll end up at a house party, which they remember the used to love to no end, but once there it's just not the same anymore. Walking around with a sixer is fucking inconvenient. The people who just a year ago were their party peers now seem a decade younger. The smell of cigarette smoke in the air is ten times denser than what they grew used to in Dallas over the past year as their nose recovered the ability to smell after it left the smoke-filled rooms 40 miles north. Wasn't it $5 night at It'll DO Club today? You might still be able to make it.

The reality of their new lifestyle will set in when one day they're sitting at Hide, drinking what has got to be the world's best gin and tonic (seriously) before flagging the waitress over and unironically ordering call liquor--a shot of Fernet, $10 a pop and almost everyone agrees it tastes like ass before heading off.

They have to go home now. It's 1 o'clock in the morning and they've got to get up at 7 tomorrow for morning yoga, but we should definitely catch up, maybe catch brunch at Bread Winners Cafe & Bakery or get day drunk at Klyde Warren Park before heading into the Dallas Museum of Art for the day.

This satire piece is from a Facebook post of Eduardo Martinez who has a Klout score higher than anyone on our staff.

Header image photographed by Mateo Granados

Header image layout designed by Christopher Rodgers