COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the 85-year-old’s luggage had not even been carried from the foyer to her new room yet, medical staff told reporters Thursday that area grandmother Mary Rosenstein had contracted herpes within five minutes of checking into Tompkins Manor nursing home. “She got her name tag, she got her welcome packet, then boom—STIs,” said nurse Larry Ashbern, adding that even before Rosenstein’s family had pulled their car out of the parking lot, the widowed grandmother of 12 had already engaged in enough unprotected sex with enough partners to contract several strains of Herpesviridae. “Within seconds of saying goodbye to her loved ones and finding a room with a door she could lock, Mrs. Rosenstein had been exposed to, and no doubt passed along, numerous sexually transmitted infections. By dinner tonight, we’re expecting a full-on, facility-wide outbreak of not only herpes simplex types 1 and 2, but also chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, and who knows what other diseases. Which is really not all that unusual anytime a new patient arrives at our facility.” At press time, medical staff reported that every single resident of Tompkins Manor had developing several open, oozing cold sores.

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