by Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers

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“Obesity, Diabetes, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure costs this country more than $120 billion dollars each year.” — Michele Obama

It is well known that obesity is Americas number one killer today. Don’t believe me; just take a gander at the video of Michelle Obama as she makes the quote above. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

“The spoons made me do it!”

Recently many people in the USA have been calling for a gun ban as we all know that inanimate objects (as well as God, dogs, voices in the head and Frank Zappa recordings) can and do control human actions. Guns are responsible for about 9,000 deaths in the US annually. Meanwhile obesity, er, I mean, spoons and forks, account for over 300,000 deaths. Where are our priorities?

Of course we need to ban all guns and ammo (as well as camouflage clothing, night vision glasses, Coleman camping equipment and sterno lanterns). But, let’s get our house in order and set our priorities straight! We must fight back against the obesity epidemic by severely restricting spoons and all other types of silverware and table utensils that make it easier to become obese!

The real problem with America today is obesity not gun murders… Therefore I propose a federal ban on spoons as too many Americans eat far too much ice cream and sweets… I also propose enforcing a “No Pie Zone” over all major American cities.

Let’s now put our heads together and find a way, a true way, in the American spirit of bi-partisanship, towards finding the best way to deal with this obesity scourge that is obviously caused by kitchen utensils.

I have a dream! Today spoons and forks, tomorrow desert plates and tablecloths!

Let the discussion begin! Here’s how we tackle this obesity epidemic once and for all! Here are selected quotes from my distinguished panel of friends!

Red Brown: You need to move incrementally — you can’t just throw this down all at once. First you need to make people register their spoons, and also restrict the capacity of spoons allowed. Once that becomes accepted, you can move towards limiting the number of spoons a person can have, and you can also restrict the movement or exchange of any spoons. Then, and this is the important part, you announce that there is a bill in the works to criminalize any and all silverware. Finally, you strike down all the provisions of this new bill except banning spoons of any type. You also move most of the old spoon restrictions over to forks. Everyone thinks they got off pretty well and gives up their spoons — easy as that!

Marc Abela: Since you don’t want to alarm everyone, first I suggest we increase taxes and add bureaucrats who will build a paper based federal spoon-registry list… all spoons will need to have a serial number on them, and they will need to be registered and attached to a clearly identified owner…

Me: Good idea! I suggest a federal commission be created to study the feasibility of federally mandated studies studying registration of spoons. Perhaps we can implant chips in the spoons to make sure individuals are not sharing their spoons with other people in violation of section 23.1234B (section d) of the “Freedom in Spoonerisms Act of 2013.” My only fear is that people will use loopholes to get around the laws and insist, for example, that those little plastic spoons you get at Starbucks for stirring coffee be exempt from all federal regulations and taxes.

Robert Gibson Hill: Make everyone eat with a coke-spoon.

Me: Harrumph! Are those Coke spoons under the 16oz legal size limit?

Red Brown: Unfortunately, a huge black market, of illegal spoons from foreign countries and also locally made spoons, explodes into existence and the Feds create a new bureaucracy called the BATFU (Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco Firearms & Utensils). This monstrosity consumes 1/10 of our federal budget and most of the employees are grossly overweight. It doesn’t matter though because nobody but extremists and conspiracy theorists give a sh*t.

Me: “BATFU !?” I laughed so hard coffee came out of my nostrils on that one! Well, it looks good on paper, but will it really work? Usually, as Ron Paul says, “Enforcing No Pie Zones” is an act of war under the Geneva Convention… And it’s usually followed by a full fledged military invasion (to seize spoons). Can the US afford such actions under the current economic environment? I think not… That is, unless, of course, the invasion pays for itself when we melt down those spoons and resale the metal to China (like the Iraq war was paid for by the oil we seized from them).

Red Brown: The BATFU is here to see you! They are now working with the DHS (Dept. of Household Security) and need to see your kitchen. A no pie zone has been established between Wendy’s and Arby’s, where your neighborhood is.

Red Brown: It is illegal to have your own black market pie, but you can buy commercial pies — they just taste like sh*t and cost a lot. I have heard there is a pied pipeline, from Mexico, and you can get pies there — they all taste like cinnamon, though.

Me: I hear Hostess pies are still available downtown on Market & 5th street after 8 pm. Ask around….

Red Brown: I’m cracking myself up just thinking about this — what a total folly it always is when the government sets out to help us by harming us.

Me: No! No! You are not adult and mature enough to understand the difference between a spoon that is safe and a dangerous one. Sure, sure, some people say spoons are a “Gateway utensil” that, later on in life, leads to even more over eating, but that hasn’t been proven in laboratory tests!

Me: Heads Up! They just made these illegal!

Read the description on this pocket monstrosity! It says, “Look like a big honkin' Swiss army knife. The Eatensil is designed for the kitchen. It combines seven tools which make eating easier — a spoon, fork, knife, pizza cutter, chopsticks, bottle opener and wooden chip fork — all in a Swiss Army Knife-type casing.” The Eatensil?! We’ve got to put a stop to this!

Red Brown: Remember, food is bad. The last two letters in "food" are OD (outside diameter) as if it were some kind of sick joke. I used chopsticks the other night — they are the bolt-action rifle of utensils, for sure; easy to manufacture, though. How anyone could get fat with those damned things is beyond me…

Me: You are either with us or you’re with the delicatessen owners!

Marc Abela: OK so, I’m ready when you are, my “But spoons DO help” poster should be ready in a few moments (for the moment all the crazy revolutionary rebels come shouting our way “Spoons don’t feed people, people feed people!”).

Yep. Outlaw guns because guns cause gun crimes. Outlaw glass bottles at bars because glass bottles cause people to get their necks slashed. Outlaw kitchen knives because they stab people…

And always remember to shout down those who don’t think that inanimate objects control people to do things they normally wouldn’t do. The evidence is there and the science is settled…

If anyone says, “Spoons don’t feed people, people feed people” make sure you print this article and shove it down their throats…

Because, as everyone knows, printing machines cause choking.

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