by von

Look, I understand that you're feeling a little backed into a corner. It's hard not be feel that way. Your generals are describing your foreign policy as "incompetent and crazy." Your Generals! Imagine what your Lt. Cols. are saying! It probably starts with "dum" and ends with "ucks". And it only gets worse when you go down the chain of command. Trust me on this. I've gotten bitched out by my ex-Marine secretary* for failing to format my letters correctly. The lower the rank, the more perceptive the criticism.

But, anyhoo, I digress. I'm here to offer you some advice. And I'm a really good friend.

I understand why you're backing away. Every time someone tells you they're a really good friend, it kinda ends badly. For example: Come to Spain! We love you in Spain. Wonderful weather, good wine, folks strumming guitars, the Alhambra -- what's not to like?

Oh, right. That whole Inquisition thing. Well, at least you'll have refuge in Germany ....

So I get it. Well, a little bit. I'm not going to pretend. I don't really get much, and very few people get me. I can tell you about the Jewish vons, my love of really good bagels, and how some of my best friends are Zionists .... but why should you believe me? And why should it matter? I go by "von" on the internet. That's a f-ckin' preposition. In German.

Don't rely on my sympathies. You should probably trust my self interest instead.

It's in the US's interest to have a strong Israel. That means it's in my interest. I'm not going to apologize for being tribal on this count; we can't stop nationalism, we can only hope that we not become assholes in American flag shirts. So take the following to heart, because I'm one of the few goys who routinely defends Israel without being an Islamophobe and without hopin' that y'all die so that Christ can come back.

Other than Israel, no state in the middle east has the capability or willingness to project power in that region, damn the consequencies. No other state in the region has been a good friend for so long. No other state in the region is so, well, connected to the US. You're like a good drinking buddy: Opinionated, controversial, and ready to fight.

But you have got to stop being absolutely useless. Because when you're useless, it's not much in my interest to defend you. I mean, do you defend countries that ignore you and constantly f-ck things up? Is France on your speed-dial? No? Wonder why ...

I'd love to defend you in this latest debacle. I'd love to keep on waiting for more facts to come in. But I can't. What your leaders did was indefensible and utterly stupid. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz has a better grasp on strategy. And it comes on the heels of you insulting us. (Leave aside whether these settlements were justified: could you have not made the announcement while our Vice President was visiting?)

You have to fix this. It starts with firing somebody. Probably your Prime Minister. You don't seem to have noticed, but he's a total nudnik. A moron too. I won't insist, because I can't -- and friends don't do that anyway. But I am going to suggest. In a really passive-aggressive way. Because you're smart enough to realize that it's in your best interest.

*Former secretary, in fairness.