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The Worst Thanksgiving Family Football Conversation Ever

A play by Mike Tanier

Setting

Great Aunt Eunice's family room, Nov. 27, 2014.

As the rest of the family prepares side dishes, sets tables or gossips in other rooms, a handful of football junkies, couch potatoes and people no one else in the family likes gather around the television for 10-and-a-half hours of NFL action.

Cast of Characters

AUNT EUNICE: Remembers the Truman administration. Cooks Thanksgiving dinner using recipes she brought over from the Old Country (Piscataway Township). Gets all of her news, football and otherwise, from major-network daytime talk shows.

UNCLE CARMINE: Former deputy shop steward for Pipefitters Local 31415 (resigned in disgrace, 1997). Bought you your first bottle of vodka before the junior high homecoming dance. Divorced four times from three women. Chews with mouth open.

COUSIN ETHAN: Your front-running godson. Wore a Kevin Durant jersey and a brand-new San Francisco Giants cap to Thanksgiving dinner. Plays Madden football and NBA2K15 on the easiest difficulty settings; rage-quits whenever an opponent scores. Repeats red-hot sports takes like a parrot that has been locked in a room listening exclusively to ESPN2 for the last six years.

YOU: Serious, thoughtful NFL fan well-versed in the game's personalities and issues, looking forward to a peaceful dinner and a little televised football with loved ones. Good luck with that.

ACT 1: The Bears-Lions Game

(With the whole dinner safely in the oven, Aunt Eunice plops down on her Barcalounger as the early game kicks off.)

Charles Rex Arbogast/Associated Press

AUNT EUNICE: Football? Is that still around? I thought they got rid of it after all the scandals they had in September.

YOU: The NFL certainly had its problems a few months ago, from disturbing acts of violence by players to an awful mishandling of discipline by the league. Some of the problems are still going on. But no, Aunt Eunice, "they" did not actually "get rid of" football.

UNCLE CARMINE: I don't see what the big deal was. What these guys do in their personal lives is their own business.

YOU: I'm not sure we can classify acts of violence as something "guys do in their personal lives." And the NFL isn't a drywall installation outfit; it's an entertainment industry that relies on its public image to survive, and it has an obvious influence on our whole society, particularly young men. Ethan, how many Adrian Peterson jerseys do you own?

COUSIN ETHAN: I used to have six, but I burned them all and bought a DeMarco Murray.

UNCLE CARMINE: Heh, don't get me started on that Peterson situation. Why, in my day Grandpa Salvatore used to whoop me twice, three times a day, for no good reason except to toughen me up. And I turned out fine.

AUNT EUNICE: Don't forget to take your antidepressant, Carmine dear. And your anxiety medication. And the antacid for your ulcer.

UNCLE CARMINE: Thanks, Ma. Let me get a fresh beer to wash 'em down with.

AUNT EUNICE: Well, I cannot imagine how you boys can keep watching these games after everything that happened.

YOU: I think the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situations opened many of our eyes a little bit. But experts in both domestic violence and child abuse say that these are not simply NFL issues but society's issues. We learned a lot about not just family violence and corporate cover-ups, but the limits of law enforcement and how important it is for people like us to take a strong stand against crimes that past generations too often kept quiet.

But as for "not watching football anymore," abandoning the NFL is like abandoning Hollywood movies or the music industry. Football is something we cherish. It brings a lot of fun and joy into our lives. It's not something most of us can take or leave, so we are better off demanding that the NFL do better than declaring the whole system irredeemable and trying to walk away.

AUNT EUNICE: But those men are criminals! They say and do such awful things!

YOU: Aunt Eunice, who are your favorite television personalities?

AUNT EUNICE: Martha Stewart and Paula Deen. Why?

YOU: Just asking.

(A Lions defender draws a roughness foul.)

UNCLE CARMINE: Stupid call. You might as well put skirts on the players nowadays.

YOU: Do you really think that two 200-plus-pound athletes slamming into each other at high velocities is somehow unmasculine if we penalize the guys who don't do it right?

UNCLE CARMINE: He didn't mean to hit that quarterback helmet-to-helmet. It's just what happens when you play a contact sport. It's a stupid call.

Rick Osentoski/Associated Press

YOU: Well, it's the same "stupid call" that referees have been making for years. The goal is to create a safer game, even if some unintentional contact gets flagged. Maybe you should adjust to the 21st-century rules instead of screaming about "sissies and skirts" every time you don't like a penalty.

COUSIN ETHAN: That guy has a concussion.

UNCLE CARMINE: Big deal. So he got his bell rung.

COUSIN ETHAN: You can't say that, Uncle Carmine. A concussion is a serious brain injury. I can tell by the replay, and Twitter is blowing up over it.

YOU: We can't have it both ways, Ethan. A concussion is a significant injury, but we cannot pretend that we can diagnose serious injuries by watching replays and crowdsourcing. There's a concussion protocol now.

UNCLE CARMINE: Harumph. What a joke that is.

YOU: Wait, weren't you just complaining that players should wear skirts nowadays?

UNCLE CARMINE: I am just saying the new concussion rules are a joke. Lots of guys have gone back on the field this year with concussions.

YOU: And many, many more players have been sidelined, and held out of practice for days or weeks, who would have been given smelling salts and a lecture about pain tolerance as recently as 10 years ago. If the headlines of last month taught us anything, it's that no medical safety procedures are 100 percent fail-safe. But that does not mean we cannot do better.

As fans, we have learned a lot about concussions as well. If a player is out for multiple weeks with a concussion, like Browns tight end Jordan Cameron, we understand that it is a major medical problem. Talk-radio hosts would have called him a wimp or a goldbricker 15 or 20 years ago, and I'll bet many of his coaches would have agreed.

It's amazing to hear how fans who used to scream "what a sissy" like Carmine now throw a fit when they hear a phrase like "mild concussion," the way Ethan does. I think we have to keep insisting that teams and trainers do the right thing, but without all of the hysterics.

COUSIN ETHAN: I don't play football anymore. I play soccer.

UNCLE CARMINE: Ugh. Kids these days with their foreign sports.

YOU: The decision to play any youth sport is a difficult one that families must make carefully. Youth sports fall across a spectrum of safety, from chess and golf on one side to football and hockey on the other, with activities like snowmobiling out on the fringe.

AUNT EUNICE: That's not what the panel of former child stars, reality contest winners, sassy comediennes and burned-out serious journalists on Midday Topics and Cooking Tips said. They said that all youth sports are 100 percent safe except football, which is worse for kids than asking them to stick their arms down the garbage disposal.

YOU: That may be a slight sensationalization of the facts. Football is a rougher sport than most, but the attention the concussion problem has received is leading to changes that make the sport safer at all levels.

COUSIN ETHAN: My mom is just glad I am completely safe from concussions playing soccer.

YOU: What's your favorite part of soccer?

COUSIN ETHAN: Contested head balls are awesome. Why?

YOU: No reason.

ACT II: The Eagles-Cowboys Game

(The early game ends, and the family gathers for a meal that took 96 hours to plan, 11 hours to prepare and three minutes and 45 seconds to consume. Afterward, the football viewers return to the couch.)

COUSIN ETHAN: Turn on the Cowboys game! I want to watch Tony Romo chokity-choke like he chokity-chokes every Thanksgiving!

Julio Cortez/Associated Press

YOU: Tony Romo is 7-1 in Thanksgiving games. He has led the Cowboys to 38-10, 34-3, 34-9 and 24-7 wins. His only Thanksgiving loss was to the Redskins in 2012, and he brought the Cowboys back from a 28-3 halftime deficit for a 38-31 final. And of course he led a fourth-quarter comeback against the Giants just four days ago. The whole "Romo is a Choke Artist" story is such an urban legend that it belongs around a campfire.

COUSIN ETHAN: I don't care. I know what I know. Tony Romo chokity-choke-choke-chokadilly-chokarama choke Choke CHOKE gghhhhh, kkhhhh...

YOU: Ethan, are you actually choking, or are you performing an extra-dramatic reenactment of Tony Romo's perceived choking?

UNCLE CARMINE: Aunt Eunice did not de-bone the cranberry sauce! He's really choking!

YOU: I will perform the Heimlich maneuver.

UNCLE CARMINE: Oh sure. The mainstream media wants you to believe that works.

(After some hasty first aid, Cousin Ethan's breathing passages are cleared.)

AUNT EUNICE: I am glad this game is in Dallas. Those Eagles fans are awful. They booed Santa Claus.

YOU: That was in 1968. It was the LBJ administration. Saying that Philadelphians boo Santa Claus is like saying people in San Francisco drop acid in the streets and listen to Jefferson Airplane. I don't think many cities want to rehash what was going on politically or socially in 1968 every time the home team fumbles.

AUNT EUNICE: Well, at least they don't play holiday games in Cleveland. That's where the river catches fire.

COUSIN ETHAN: Heh-heh-heh. Mark Sanchez is playing. He butt-fumbled on Thanksgiving.

YOU: He sure did. It was a bad play, and one of the funniest bloopers in NFL history. It was also one of three fumbles within 90 seconds for the Jets, with an 83-yard Patriots touchdown wedged in-between.

Sanchez was never a very good quarterback, but he led the Jets to playoff wins when things were going well, and he might be just good enough to keep the Eagles in the playoff picture this year. What happened on Thanksgiving is best remembered within the context of an entire franchise coming unglued, not a failure by one player.

COUSIN ETHAN: Heh-heh-heh. Butt fumble.

ACT III: The Seahawks-49ers Game

(Evening descends.)

Christian Petersen/Getty Images

UNCLE CARMINE: I hate this read-option junk. It's a fad. It'll never catch on.

YOU: These two teams played for the NFC title last year. Both have made the Super Bowl with the help of option plays. That's quite a fad.

UNCLE CARMINE: I don't care. I hate it. It's not real football.

YOU: Wait...six hours ago, you were mad that quarterbacks don't get hit anymore. Now you are mad because quarterbacks run too much. What kind of football would you like to see?

UNCLE CARMINE: I want to see the kind of football Y.A. Tittle and Frank Gifford played when I was a kid!

YOU: Uncle Carmine, you are only 53 years old. Tittle and Gifford retired when you were in diapers. You have only seen them on NFL Films Presents.

UNCLE CARMINE: Oh yeah, smart aleck? Well, I want to see football the way Coach Przyzbewski taught us to play it in high school. You run up the middle on 1st-and-10. You run off tackle on 2nd-and-9. You run up the middle on 3rd-and-10. Then you punt with the knowledge that only commies and filthy hippies use empty backfields.

YOU: You want to watch NFL football in 2014 that looks like high school football from 1976?

UNCLE CARMINE: Yes, I do! I mean, look at Colin Kaepernick's arms. Those tattoos are a disgrace.

Tom Gannam/Associated Press

COUSIN ETHAN: They are awesome. I want to get a tattoo on my face of Colin Kaepernick's arm, with all of his arm tattoos on my arm-face tattoo.

UNCLE CARMINE: Back me up, Eunice!

AUNT EUNICE: I don't know, Carmine. That nice young Reverend Bobby who leads the liturgical drum circle has a lot of tattoos.

UNCLE CARMINE: But his are of Bible verses! Kaepernick probably has rap lyrics or something.

YOU: Kaepernick's tattoos are Bible verses.

UNCLE CARMINE: "You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet?" That don't sound like no Bible I ever read. Whatever happened to "From each according to his own ability, to each according to his own need?"

YOU: I...really need a beer now.

COUSIN ETHAN: Russell Wilson is overrated.

YOU: I bought you a Russell Wilson Fathead in February! And what does "overrated" even mean? Sportscasters, talk-show hosts and even NFL columnists can get carried away in their praise of an exciting new player sometimes. But that doesn't mean every young superstar has to be taken down a notch the moment he or his team go into a little slump. It's not like anyone is comparing Wilson's career to Peyton Manning's.

COUSIN ETHAN: Dude, Peyton Manning is totally overrated. I want an Odell Beckham Jr. jersey for Christmas. And J.J. Watt underwear.

AUNT EUNICE: Football, football, FOOTBALL! Enough with the football! Thanksgiving never used to be like this before everyone got obsessed with football!

YOU: Aunt Eunice, I just read a quote in Football Nation: Four Hundred Years of America's Game, Susan Reyburn's review of football history from the Library of Congress Archives: "There was a time when football was incidental to Thanksgiving Day; nowadays, Thanksgiving is incidental to football." That quote comes from the Ladies' Home Journal in November 1895! People have lamented the influence of football over Thanksgiving for 120 years. And yet here we are, four generations, using the sport as an opportunity to talk about our dreams and our values.

Football is one of the few things we have in common with each other, the family down the street, the family across the tracks, the folks downtown, our bosses, our subordinates, our preachers, politicians, millionaires and criminals. Football is part of who we are and part of our lives. It is worth sharing. It is even worth being thankful for. Right, my beloved family? Right?

UNCLE CARMINE, AUNT EUNICE and COUSIN ETHAN: Zzzzz…

You: Long speeches, tryptophan and NFC West football: the perfect formula for putting everyone to sleep. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

The End.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.