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NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Rumors have begun swirling that Donald Trump Jr., the President of the United States’ son, is headed toward a divorce with his wife Vanessa. In a story published on Page Six and reported in other outlets, anonymous sources close to the couple say that there are three areas of concern for Mrs. Trump regarding her husband.

While neither the White House nor the couple have commented publicly about the rumors of divorce, today a new wrinkle to the story was introduced. According to sources close to Donald Jr., he has begun seeking counsel and advice from people in his life who have been divorced before. One such person is his father, who himself is on his third marriage. In recent weeks, the president’s son has sought out the elder Trump for some help navigating through and after the divorce proceedings.

One is that since Junior’s dad became president, suddenly everything was not “low-key,” the way Vanessa likes it, but instead, extremely high-key all the time. A second issue is that Junior has always traveled a lot, and he’s traveling even more these days: hunting big game, running the Trump Organization, at jury duty, hawking luxury condos in India. And the third is that Don Jr.’s tweets have grown more unhinged. These friends are concerned, pointing especially to the fact that he liked tweets linking antidepressants to school shootings. The couple declined to comment to the Post’s multiple requests for comments, and Don Jr. has not yet tweeted about it as of writing. (Vanity Fair)

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“Daddy! Can you please help me Daddy? I’m afraid of divorcing my wife,” Trump Jr. reportedly told his father when they last met in Florida. “What am I going to do when I’m not married to Vanessa anymore?”

The president laughed. He patted his eldest son on his soft head. Trump reassured Jr. “everything will be bigly alright.”

“Son, son, son. Relax, you’re a Trump,” President Trump said. “Everything will be bigly alright. Just do what I do. Be like me. Follow in my footsteps.”

The younger Trump blinked. He was thinking. As is usual when he cogitates, Trump Jr. started making a face that was slightly different from his usual, permanent chronic jizz face. It’s a face his parents have always called his “thinking face,” though many say he also makes that face when he’s pooping, which sources say produces the same level of intelligent thought as his thinking does.

“Be like you, Dad? Really? In what way,” Donald Jr. asked his father.

“All the ways, son, all the ways,” President Trump replied.

Donald Jr. again made the thinking/pooping face. After ten minutes of silence, those in the room say that Donald Jr. seemed to make some kind of connection in his mind. He stood up, and walked across the room to where his sister, Ivanka was sitting and twirling her thumbs.

“Vanky, Daddy says I have to be like him now,” Donald Jr. said.

Before his sister could say anything, her brother had whisked her up into his arms. He looked deeply in her eyes. Then, he kissed her full on the mouth. As he kissed her, he slid his hands down to Ivanka’s hips, as he’d seen his father do numerous times before.

“Daddy! You were right! Everything’s gonna be just fine,” Donald Jr. told his father. The two did a high-five, and then the elder Trump grabbed his daughter’s genitalia, after which all of them did a three-way…high-five. Don’t be gross.

James‘ satire can be read on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

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