The story of a chubby woman who bumps her head, wakes up to see herself as a perfect supermodel, and goes on to live the super-awesome life of a supermodel in her still-chubby body, sounds an awful lot like one of those body swap comedies that were so popular a hundred years ago. The problem with this one is that it stars Amy Schumer.

The other problem is that two-thirds of reviewers hate it, either because they find it dumb or not quite woke enough.

No one can argue that Amy Schumer is not a talented comedienne. The problem is that she is politically polarizing, self-righteous, and much more concerned with teaching us a finger-waving lesson than simply giving us a two-hour vacation from the world with a few chuckles. As a result, no one really likes Amy Schumer. She is unlikable. Even those who agree with her pious politicking find her unlikable. They might not say so — but trust me, they do.

Goodwill is crucial to enjoying a commercial movie career, and after enjoying a big hit with the overrated Trainwreck, Schumer has gone out of her way to squander all of that goodwill through her divisiveness, brainless attacks on law-abiding gun owners, and ass-baring moments like this one. Poor little rich girl has a case of the sadz.

And who is not already tired of listening to Schumer work through her neuroses over her looks? This schtick is so tired, especially from an insanely rich, relatively young woman with access to the best personal trainers and dieticians around. She looked pretty good in Trainwreck, which proves she can do it. But now that she has let herself go, we all have to watch a chubby woman pretend to be hot and then learn the lesson that looks do not really matter from… a… woman…. who… can’t… stop… talking… about… body image.

So how bad is I Feel Pretty? Not having seen it (yeah, right — you first), I can only put the following pieces of information together and assume it is freakin’ hideous, because 1) when a left-wing sacred cow like Schumer gets 2) terrible reviews, the movie’s 3) gotta suck so hard.

Come on, think about it: you don’t think the far-left movie reviewing community is going to give Amy Schumer every benefit of the doubt, as much left-wing affirmative action as possible to keep her career alive; you don’t think they are going to streeeetch as far as they can to keep her important voice out there and her impact on the culture relevant?

Of course, they are. Even more so now that Schumer’s movie career is on the line. After the mega-flop Snatched, if I Feel Pretty tanks, her days as a commercial leading lady are numbered. We are talking box office poison followed by desperate attempts to earn respectability through supporting roles in turgid independent films no one even lies about watching anymore.

We will not know about I Feel Pretty’s box office for a couple more days. If it pops with a surprisingly good opening, Schumer is golden again. The reviews, however, are already in and they are brutal, as bad as those for Snatched, which even Goldie Hawn could not save.

As of this writing, I Feel Pretty has earned a putrid 35 percent at Rotten Tomatoes. Here are some of my favorite review excerpts that prove that once you advertise yourself as woke — as Schumer has — you can never be woke enough.

No joke, movie reviewers actually wrote this stuff. This is not mainstream film criticism, this is how movies are reviewed at socialist summer camp:

New York Post:

With seemingly no understanding of how tone-deaf it might be to cast a straight, white, able-bodied blonde like Schumer as victimized by society’s judgment, the lazily-written “I Feel Pretty” takes a talented comic and casts her in the worst possible light (and I don’t mean that literally. She looks fine).

Billing Gazette:

The Amy Schumer vehicle “I Feel Pretty” tackles a very real epidemic — the crisis of confidence. Low self-esteem is part of the human condition for people of any age, gender or race, but it’s particularly virulent and destructive in the young female population, resulting in eating disorders, imposter syndrome, plastic surgery, billions of dollars spent on beauty products, diets, shapewear and generally a serious failure to thrive. … Schumer might not be a supermodel, but she still benefits from being an average-size blonde white woman, and therefore, isn’t quite the right performer for the role. … Renee works at a beauty company, but we never stop to examine into the industry’s practices of keeping women feeling bad so they continue spending money trying to feel pretty.

Screen Crush:

In 2018, as the film industry is still reckoning with the revelations of the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements, a movie where a woman wants to be catcalled and ogled by gross dudes in order to feel validated feels incredibly ill-advised.

Stranger:

It’s supposed to be funny, because everyone can plainly see that Schumer is disgustingly average! LOL, right?! A silly lady over 30 who weighs more than 120 pounds thinks she’s pretty! HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA! I laughed until I cried, because I am also over 30 and weigh more than 120 pounds, and my body could serve as a punch line, too.

Pajiba:

I Feel Pretty is intended as a sort of afterschool special about the value of self-love. But it’s hard to take this message to heart when so much of the film is dedicated to mocking Renee for her bravado. Schumer said in an interview with Vulture that the movie never states that its heroine sees herself as skinnier. But it certainly suggests it. When Renee decides to enter a bikini bod contest, her date is positively shocked and concerned, as he looks to the super skinny women who’d be her competitors. Regarding her “new” body, Renee shakes her plump belly and cheers about her “rock hard abs,” then calls out the glory of her jawline. Later, she compares herself to the Kardashians, but specifically “the Jenner ones,” while her friends look on with abject confusion. And most telling of all is a scene in the lunchroom at work, where two more very skinny, gorgeous women look at her with repulsion as she shovels food into her face and brags she can eat whatever she wants, and “still keep this body.” If these are not fat jokes, then what are they?

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