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Good evening ladies, gentlemen and Jimmy Bell. Welcome to the second annual Old Firm Facts Alternative Scottish Football Awards. I hope you all enjoyed our musical entertainment from the wonderful Concomitant Contemporary Choir.

Tonight we celebrate 2017/18, a season as entertaining as a Craig Levein press conference, as unpredictable as a Kirk Broadfoot v Josh Windass Bake Off special and as petty as a Craig Levein press conference.

Without further ado, it’s time to reveal the winners.

MOST SCOTTISH FOOTBALL HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: “Queen of the South goalkeeper injured after collision with runaway cow”

Honourable mentions: “St Mirren ace has Bounty thrown at him during match … and EATS it”, “Chris Sutton claims a Rangers fan tried to run him over – but it was light-hearted” and “Rangers fan confuses Ibrox legend’s dog for a child”

THE ‘GET THAT TAE FU’ AWARD FOR MOST ICONIC IMAGE: Pedro Caixinha in a hedge

Honourable mentions:

Leigh Griffiths and tonic wine

Kingsley v Celtic

Pedro Caixinha’s upside down phone

Celtic v Halloween

Jimmy Nicholl and Minions

BEST PUNDIT: Chris Sutton

BEST BEEF: Craig Levein v Neil Lennon

Honourable mentions: Neil McCann v Tommy Wright, Kenny Miller and Lee Wallace v Graeme Murty, Craig Levein v Scott Brown, Craig Levein v Michael Stewart, Adam Rooney v William Shatner, Billy Davies v his career prospects and Aberdeen ball boy v Christophe Berra

THE ‘NO-ONE LIKES US, WE DON’T CARE AWARD’ FOR TAKING IT ON THE CHIN: Club 1872 for responding to Neil Lennon cupping his ears with a 367-word statement that began “Club 1872 would like to commend the restraint of the Rangers support following a clear attempt by Hibernian manager, Neil Lennon, to incite trouble”.

THE ‘SPOILER ALERT – HUMZA YOUSAF WON’T WIN AN AWARD’ AWARD: Humza Yousaf

BEST PERSONAL INSULT: “Get that right up ye Craig Levein ya specky hotdog extravaganza” by @elliottsmith93

Honourable mentions: “Hugh Keevins is a speccy tube” by @SoBigAndStrong and “What a f*****g p***k I am” by Craig Levein

MOST BIZARRE COMMERCIAL PARTNERSHIP: Partick Thistle’s official pizza partner

Honourable mentions:

Rangers’ official vaping partner

Hibs’ official legal partner

MOST ILL-ADVISED SEXUAL ESCAPADES: Michael Gardyne being filmed seeing to himself in the Ross County dressing room

Honourable mentions: Caley Thistle’s Twitter account ‘accidentally’ liking a Pornhub tweet

Dougie Donnelly being ‘hacked’ on Twitter

BEST SNIDEY OFFICIAL CLUB TWEET: Celtic after beating Rangers

Honourable mentions:

Dundee after Dundee United’s playoff defeat

Aberdeen's season ticket reminder

BEST NON-SNIDEY OFFICIAL CLUB TWEET: Greenock Morton

Honourable mentions: “Please note there will be no updates this afternoon as the media team are at @Creamfields. Apologies #BRFC” by Berwick Rangers and “LEE MILLER WITH AN OVERHEAD KICK! Stuff happened and then the thing was in the box and then LEE MILLER DID AN OVERHEAD KICK INTO THE SOCCER NET!” by Livingston

THE NOSTRADAMUS AWARD: Kris Boyd for “When Derek McInnes becomes Rangers manager – and that WILL now happen – there’s no point in Stewart Milne or anyone else at Pittodrie moaning about it. One thing is for sure, there’s no way Del can stay at Aberdeen now”

THE KINGSLEY AWARD FOR MOST DISTURBING MASCOT: Kingsley

Honourable mention: Jimmy Bell

THE GRAEME MURTY AWARD FOR BEST INTERIM MANAGER: Graeme Murty

THE LINCOLN RED IMPS AWARD: ProgrèsNiederkorn

BEST PEDRO CAIXINHA QUOTE: “The dogs bark and the caravan keeps going”

Honourable mentions: “We only have two options. Win or win”, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s what the song says, and I totally believe it” and “The vampires taste the flavour of the blood and they want more”

PEAK NEIL LENNON ANTI-RANGERS S**THOUSERY: Cupping ears at Ibrox

Honourable mentions: Aeroplane celebration at Easter Road, liquidation reference

THE BILEL MOHSNI AWARD FOR BEST MELTDOWN: Willo Flood pushing an opponent and shoving a camera v Livingston

THE ‘AWW MAN WHAT’S JOHN WINDASS DONE NOW?’ JOHN WINDASS AWARD FOR MOST JOSH WINDASS MOMENT: Taking out his own manager

Honourable mentions: Shushing own fans after scoring against Partick Thistle, uploading a picture of his holiday with Scott Allan days after Scott Allan halved one of his team-mates, directing an offensive gesture at Partick Thistle fans, responding to the Rangers TV host’s confirmation that a hen is a female chicken with “So what’s a chicken then?” and tweeting “Everyone sat home eating toast out there nut and am munching blueberries”

THE OFFICIAL NEIL LENNON CALENDAR AWARD FOR MOST SURPRISING MERCHANDISE: £79 Fake Lego 1998 Scottish Cup Final van by Hearts

THE HARVEY DENT AWARD FOR MOST BRUTAL HALF: Andy Halliday v Celtic at Hampden

TOUGHEST JOB INTERVIEW: Craig Levein v Craig Levein

BEST TYPO: @ClydeSSB

Honourable mentions:

Bob Malcolm

@BBcSportsound

STV

MOST ‘IF I HAD TO GUESS WHO YOU’RE QUOTING I’D SAY JASON CUMMINGS’ JASON CUMMINGS QUOTE: “It’s the Guccis … cannae dae it in the Guccis man” after firing over the bar during a kickabout with a fan

THE MID-LIFE CRISIS FASHION AWARD: Lee McCulloch and Charlie Nicholas

LEAST DIGNIFIED ATTEMPT AT PUNTING A PLAYER: Dundee United

MOST UNUSUAL CAMEO: Coolio at Celtic Park

Honourable mentions: Timmy Mallett at Pittodrie, Wagner at Dens Park, Henrik Larsson dancing to Macarena at Fury’s in Ayr, boxing announcer Michael ‘Let’s get ready to rumble’ Buffer at the Scottish Cup Final and Jordan Rossiter at Ibrox

BEST CELEBRITY LOOKALIKE: Daniel Radcliffe at Rugby Park

Honourable mentions:

Steve Coogan at Dingwall

Sue Perkins at Tynecastle

BEST TATTOO: Terry Munro

MOST HEARTWARMING INTRODUCTION TO SCOTTISH FOOTBALL: Hibs and Hibs

Honourable mention: Harley Mitaros and Kilmarnock

BEST OFF-TOPIC RAMBLE: Paul Sturrock for “I’ve got two pairs of Velcro shoes. I promised myself I’d never buy Velcro shoes…Myself and my partner have got some horses, we’ve got two chihuahuas, we’ve got a cockatiel … I’ve got a nice garden. I’m the captain of the pool team in the pub … I’ve got a metal detector. I’m definitely going to find some pirate’s doubloons on the beaches of Cornwall … I’ve got a fishing rod so I’m going to have a right go to see if I can catch some fish” at a Dundee United press conference

BEST NEW CATCHPHRASE: “What’s the goalie daein’ Tom?” by Hugh Burns on Rangers TV

Honourable mentions: “The dogs bark and the caravan keeps going” by Pedro Caixinha, “Natural order” by Craig Levein, “The fury and the froth” by Craig Levein, “I just swazzed it bottom stanch” by Josh Windass, and “Beggars belief” by the Rangers PR department

BEST DISPLAY: ‘Saltire’ by Hibs

Honourable mentions:

‘Concomitant’ by Aberdeen

‘Grinch’ by Rangers

‘Cheestrings’ by Rangers

‘WE DOOOPVE BEHE’ by Rangers

MOST IMPROVED PLAYER AND HAIRLINE: Kris Boyd

THE ‘SORRY CELTIC’ AWARD FOR BEST RESPONSE TO AN OFFICIAL CLUB TWEET: Chris Erskine

LEAST ENTHUSIASTIC AWARD RECIPIENTS: Neil Scally and Ian McCall of Ayr United

WORD OF THE SEASON: ‘Concomitant’

DEFINING STATEMENT: Craig Levein

You can catch Old Firm Facts twice a week on Glasgow Live - usually every Monday and Friday. We'll also be twisting his arm for regular updates during the close season. Look back on all his past columns here. And find him here on Twitter.