Spinoff Parents editor Emily Writes has been doing some research and she’s sorry to tell you that everything is your fault.

Usually I avoid stories that have titles like “It’s your fault your children are fat” and “Millennial parents: Lazy Shit-eating Scum”. Generally, it’s because I think they’re wrong but also because the horrible messages stick with me and they don’t make me a better parent. Like a fart in an elevator, only one person is happy. And that’s the smug flatulent asshole who just filled the space with their horribleness.

But for your sake, I decided to actually read the pieces and I’m terribly sorry, but I have news for you: You’re a Bad Parent. You’re a Bad Parent because you’re lazy. Your kids are fat. You eat too many takeaways. Because you’re lazy. And you don’t let your children ride bikes down by the river you fucking monster.

You’re probably thinking ‘That’s not me! I don’t think I’m a bad parent.’ Well, I’m sorry but people selling services and monetising your fear and anxiety around being a good mother think differently. And you should listen to them.

Here’s a checklist to see if you’re a Bad Parent. Because acknowledging it is the first step.

Are you currently, in the year of our lord 2018, a parent?

Well, there’s your problem. You’re a Bad Parent. If only you’d parented in ye olde good olde days. Then you’d be a good parent. Oh how great it was back then. Just 30 years ago we didn’t have Facebook! We didn’t have poverty! We didn’t have “screens” and there was no such thing as crime. Oh how we played! We played, me and Julio, down by the school yard. My backyard was roughly the size of a golf course – and it had a river. Back then everybody had a river. And two bikes. Oh how we splashed in the river, now children these days don’t even know what water is. We took our bikes into the river and the joy was orgasmic.

Cut to 2018 and we live in a dark and desperate dystopia. Children watch television and they sometimes eat takeaways. Bikes have been banned. Rivers have also been banned. But the worst of all? Mothers sometimes have jobs outside of the home. But it’s not too late to be a Good Parent, you just need to get my free course on how to be a Good Parent, sign up to my free newsletter, it’s only three easy payments of $29.99.

Do you sometimes feed your child something other than kale chips with activated almonds?

Bad Parent Alert! You have let them eat McDonalds? What are you, some kind of slave to Big Fast Food? Do you know how expensive fast food is? I did a price comparison and one Big Mac costs roughly $600 yet this completely healthy meal of days old mince with a dying potato on top that I made to prove a point about how much of a lazy asshole you are cost me only 3c per serve.

Have you tried growing your own vegetables? It’s free! Seeds are free. Soil is free. Getting a house with green space that you can dig up for a garden is free. All of the time spent gardening is free because you’re a parent and your time is worthless and therefore free. Gardening has a 100% success rate no matter what you grow – if you weren’t so lazy. But it’s OK, I can help, you just need to get my free course on how to be a Good Parent, sign up to my free newsletter, it’s only three easy payments of $29.99.

Are your children running right now?

If they’re not running right this second, sweat dripping from their tiny bodies, you’re a Bad Parent. RUN YOUR FAT CHILDREN. If you’ve ever wondered when the right time is to introduce body hatred into your children’s innocent little souls – that time is now. The seed of shame is ready to be planted. It’s never too early to ensure your child never knows happiness when they look in the mirror. Fat children didn’t exist before mummy bloggers shared recipes on their Facebook pages, and you don’t need to be a nutritionist, a good person, or someone who understands the bare basics of genetics to know that. Letting parents know they’re fat/or their child is fat is a public service – it helps ensure they know their worth is in how they look. From birth you can make sure they never know peace in their lives due to the way they’ve been forced by society to look at their bodies and only see fat and then to view that fat as disgusting. The billion dollar diet industry is open to all-ages! Do your bit! Helping a child measure their self worth in kilos is a great thing to do to make money for your latest business venture.

Encourage them to play by the river, eat recipes from Facebook, and stop watching TV. If your child is fat they need a bike. If they’ve got a bike they need another one. If they’re still fat they need three bikes and you need to get my free course on how to be a Good Parent, sign up to my free newsletter, it’s only three easy payments of $29.99.

Has your child ever watched a screen?

Clearly a Bad Parent. There is no place for screens in a child’s life. Adults don’t use screens so why should children? Name one job where you need to look at a screen even once? There are none. Adults don’t wind down in front of a TV after a long day at work, they never get tired. So why should children, who are literally growing in body and mind every day, an exhausting process that they must do publicly and often in new and strange environments, be any different?

If your kid is tired, don’t let them relax in front of a screen. PUT THEM ON A FUCKING BIKE. If your child uses a screen at school, tell your teacher about that study that clearly says children who watch screens are more likely to become ACT supporters and therefore no children should have screens.

Look, I know you’re trying. I mean I want to say it’s not your fault but it’s important you know that it is. But, because I am a good person, I want to tell you that you CAN be a good parent. There’s a way out. It’s not too late.

All you need is to get my free course on how to be a Good Parent, sign up to my free newsletter, it’s only three easy payments of $29.99.

Emily Writes is the editor of The Spinoff Parents. Her book Rants in the Dark is out now. Buy it here. Her second book Is it Bedtime Yet? is out in August. Follow her on Facebook here.

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