Source: Guillaume de Germain/Unsplash

Emotional scenes are common for caregivers. A small boy has tumbled and scraped his knee. A young girl is shielding her eyes from a scary scene in a movie. A toddler is writhing on the floor after being told the crackers are all gone. Many well-intentioned parents respond with, “Get up, you’re fine,” “It’s not scary. Don’t be so dramatic,” or “Stop pouting. There are plenty of other snacks.”

Parents want their children to be happy, making it tricky to know how to handle negative emotions. Rather than trying to avoid them, developmental psychologists recommend practicing emotion . Unfortunately, implementing these principles is easier said than done.

What is emotion coaching and how does it differ from emotion dismissing?

Emotion coaching is a technique developed by used to increase in children. The five steps include:

Be aware of your child’s emotions. Emotion-coaching parents are in-tune with the emotions of their child. They notice tone, facial expressions, and that indicate how their child is feeling. Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a moment for and teaching. Strong emotions are not seen as something to be dismissed, changed, or denied but explored. Often children can learn the most about how to handle strong emotions when behaving their worst. Listen with and validate your child’s feelings. One powerful way to calm an emotion is to allow it to be heard and acknowledged. Try to see the situation through your child’s eyes and remember how real the emotion is to them. Connect with their emotion in a personal way. For example, “I feel frustrated when my favorite snack is gone too.” This will allow your little one to be more receptive to learning healthy ways to manage and express emotions. As author L.R. Knost wrote: “Big connections are created when big people care about the little things that matter to little people.” Help your child learn to label their emotions with words. Simply verbalizing an emotion can decrease physiological arousal. Difficulty in labeling emotions is associated with deficits in regulating them. Describe the emotions of others using books and media, pointing out clues such as expression, posture, tone, etc. Your day-to-day example of labeling your own emotions will be a powerful blueprint for your child. Help your child problem-solve or deal with upsetting situations with appropriate limits. Recognize that emotions are separate from behavior. It is healthy and normal for humans to experience a wide range of emotions. Experiencing an emotion is always acceptable and should be acknowledged. It’s behavior that isn’t always acceptable. For example, emotions of sadness can be validated while gently taking away a sippy cup on the verge of being hurled across the room. Once your child is safe and their feelings have been acknowledged, they will be more open to correction. Describe your feelings and concerns and allow your child to be a part of the solution when appropriate.

Emotion-dismissing parents try to change, deny, or ignore negative emotions. They may state things like, “You’re fine, brush it off,” “Don’t be silly, there’s no need to be upset,” or “You’re overreacting, don’t worry about it.” When a child is feeling sad but they’re told their feeling is wrong, they are likely to feel unsure about their ability to recognize their own emotions.

Children with emotion-dismissing parents are taught that their feelings should be suppressed and ignored because emotions are bad. They’re also likely to dismiss the emotions of others. They may ignore a hurt friend, an angry , or a disappointed peer, expecting others to simply “get over it.”

Source: David Straight/Unsplash

Why use emotion coaching?

Emotion-coaching parents foster emotional and social in their children. When a child can recognize their own emotions and navigate healthy ways of expressing their emotions, they also encourage the emotional expressions of others. Children of emotion-coaching parents are better able to problem-solve and put challenges in perspective, rather than get discouraged about themselves or their relationships.

Researchers found children ages 4 to 5 whose parents had been taught emotion coaching were more equipped to handle frustrating tasks with persistence and enthusiasm. Other studies have shown that even young children with or from at‐risk family environments showed fewer disruptive behaviors and improved . Relational benefits have also been found during middle and that buffer against internalizing problems such as and .

What if I was raised with emotion-dismissing parents?

Children learn through imitation. When you use a rich emotional vocabulary, verbalize your own emotions, and use healthy coping strategies, children are likely to copy you. Your parents probably handled situations how they saw their parents handle similar ones. Likely some bad habits were passed down. It can be difficult to implement what was never modeled to you.

The good news is that emotion coaching is a skill that can be grown with practice just like any other. There is no genetic predisposition needed to become an emotion-coaching parent.

Practice kindness and self-compassion as you transition. Being patient with others starts with being patient with yourself. Every parent makes mistakes and wishes they could have managed emotions more productively at times. You are learning.

Verbalize your journey with your family and model self-reflection. Be sure to apologize, seek , and repair relationships when needed. Your example of growth and humility will benefit those around you.

What if my partner isn’t supportive of emotion coaching?

Source: Veronika Tait

It’s possible your partner views emotional expression as bad, weak, unnecessary, or difficult. They may see negative emotions as a form of manipulation your children use to get what they want. Here are some steps to try:

Model emotion coaching. Strive to practice the five steps on your partner. Give explicit invitations for your partner to share their emotions with you. Do your best to withhold judgment about your partner’s feelings and pay to your own reaction.

Turn toward. When your partner expresses negative emotions, turn toward them instead of away. Recognize your partner’s bids for connection and be fully present.

Encourage reflection. Emphasize that your partner’s emotions often indicate an unmet need, just as a child’s do. Ask your partner to reflect on when their emotions were dismissed and how it made them feel. What was important to them as a child? What is important to your child that was important to your partner growing up?

Acknowledge progress. Encourage any efforts toward emotion coaching made by your partner. Point out the benefits you’ve seen in your children since practicing emotion coaching. Perhaps your children better handle being told “no” or are more compassionate towards their friends and peers during expressions of strong emotions.

Seek help when needed. It may be helpful to discuss your together with a counselor and find healthy ways to navigate different emotional styles.

Many other barriers may be preventing you from becoming the emotion-coaching parent you hope to be. Perhaps you have several children, a busy schedule, financial stress, etc. Do the best you can with the tools you have and seek help when you need to.

There is no perfect parent. As L.R. Knost said, “Don’t ask yourself at the end of the day if you did everything right. Ask yourself what you learned and how well you loved, then grow from your answer. That is perfect parenting.”