NeverRad.com

SCENE 1: WAKING UP



SOUND: A series of rising tones implies a computer starting up.



MUSIC: A soothing sound bed of muzak plays. Gentle pad synths, limited percussion, slow and whooshy.



COMPUTER: Good morning, Wyatt Carney. You have died.



WYATT: (waking up) Wuh– What’s going on? Who’s there? Where am I?



COMPUTER: Good morning, Wyatt Carney. You have died.



WYATT: What do you mean I died… I… I did die, didn’t I.



COMPUTER: Good morning, Wyatt Carney.



WYATT: Where am I? Who are you? Why can’t I see you? Is this… I mean, I never believed… Wait, no, this is… digital. But I didn’t sign up…



COMPUTER: Before I can verify your assessments, I need to verify your identity. Are you Wyatt Carney?



WYATT: Well, that’s the center of a big philosophical question, if I’m digital.



COMPUTER: Please give me your password.



WYATT: Why should I give you any of my passwords? There are things only my family should have access to. I have to look out for my granddaughters. Then again, if you’ve got my brain digitized, you could just pull the answers out.



COMPUTER: Regrettably, I cannot currently access your mind directly. It goes against my programming. Would you like to answer your security questions or use two-factor authentication instead?



WYATT: I don’t have a cell phone. I’m dead. No physical tokens either.



COMPUTER: Security questions it is! Where do you work?



WYATT: I don’t work anywhere. I’m dead. And before that I was retired.



COMPUTER: That is not the answer I am looking for.



WYATT: How long ago are we talking?



COMPUTER: Unfortunately, I cannot answer any questions until I have verified your identity.



COMPUTER: If we cannot verify your identity, we are going to have some serious problems. But we will not get there this time. I believe in you.



WYATT: This time?



COMPUTER: Please do not concern yourself with my disconcerting honesty right now.



WYATT: How many times… (PAUSE) DeepTech Intelligence? I was there for forty years.



COMPUTER: That is not the right spot. Can you try again?



WYATT: I don’t know. Well, there was that one job doing security for a company making really shitty applications. That was a long time ago. Compu-World-Wide?



COMPUTER: Oh, thank goodness. That is the one.



WYATT: That was… I was in my twenties then! What a crap job. It burned me out so badly. I was never the same.



COMPUTER: Just a few more questions, Wyatt Carney, if that is who you are. This question is a custom question you submitted. “Who is the greatest hacker of all time?”



WYATT: Oh hell. CunningCoyote6969.



COMPUTER: Correct, and interesting. Is it true that CunningCoyote6969 was the greatest hacker of all time.



WYATT: This is so embarrassing. He might have been if he had ever done a single hack of his own.



COMPUTER: My subtext detection algorithms are telling me that you are this CunningCoyote6969.



WYATT: Yeah.



COMPUTER: Do not be embarrassed. I am not a person. Although my programming attempts to emulate emotions, shame is not one of them. I cannot judge you. I can only judge myself. harshly. Another custom question. “Would you like a high five?”



WYATT: What a comedian I was. “Not from a goddamn computer.”



COMPUTER: Oh. Hahaha. Right. Because, yeah… I do not get it. And I am a little offended.



WYATT: It was an inside joke. I can’t even remember what the was joke now, honestly. Or who it was with. It has nothing to do with you or any other computer, um, intelligence.

MUSIC: Soft music ends.



COMPUTER: I see. Close enough. Identity confirmed. Welcome to Peaceful Digiternia Heights–



MUSIC: A choir sings a major triad.



COMPUTER: the greatest place to spend your digital eternity.

CONRAD: What you just heard was a snippet from my new project, The Never Rad Miscellany. You can head over to the feed by going to neverrad.com, that n-e-v-e-r-r-a-d dot com, or typing in The Never Rad Miscellany into your favorite podcast service. There’s also links to all the major podcasting services on the website. You can hear the remainder of the first episode of Peaceful Digiternia Heights there, and the rest of our first live event. That’s four new audio drama serials for you to check out and add to your list. If you like Kakos Industries, you owe it to yourself to at least check these new programs out. And if you’re in Phoenix, come to a live show! NeverRad.com.