March 12, 2025 — San Francisco

Today reporters learned that a beloved set of high rise condos in The Mission will be demolished. The SF Planning Committee revealed that an “unnamed, lowly bartender” has plans to raze the 5,000 square feet of condos on Valencia Street within the next month. A rep from the committee said that although the condos were considered to be historic landmarks of “the great gentrification war of 2015” they had to go to make way for something more in demand in San Francisco, a dive bar full of salty bartenders.

It was an influx of transplants to the city, some from the recently colonized non-planet of Pluto, who facilitated the need for more dive bars in the city. “We have a lot of new coming people here,” the planning committee rep said, “and if we don’t build stuff, where are they going to drink?”

Sources close to the development say that early deliveries have been made for the new dive bar. Already a popcorn machine, a scratched up jukebox, and one friendly but wayward dog have been shuffled onto to the site. Word on the street is professional artists who haven’t showered in a few days will be brought in soon to write obscene things on the bathroom stalls and draw penises on the bathroom mirrors.

Some residents of the FacebookGooglePlumpjack microhood have been up in arms about this new development. “San Francisco used to be full of houses that looked the same,” an area resident said. “Now they’re tearing down all these condos? The city is losing its soul and becoming kind of weird.” Any time anyone speaks out in favor of the dive bar in this neighborhood, they are asked pointedly, “Ugh, how long have you even lived here?”

If you’re upset about this change to our city’s landscape, feel free to attend the “Keep San Francisco Corporate” rally that will be held tomorrow night in The Tenderloin, long known as one of the city’s safest and most boutique filled neighborhoods.

Image courtesy of Flickr user, Rachel Lyra Hospoder.

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