41 ridiculous life hacks, with some real ones hidden away:

Put your keycard in your pocket near your crotch, push it up to the reader and watch the door swing open. Feels like you have a magical penis, doesn’t it?

Colour your white blue-tack in with blue biro, to cut back on your blue tack bill.

Note: your biro bill will go through the fucking roof.



Bear Grylls drinks his own piss to survive in the wilderness. You can use the same techniques to survive in overpriced restaurants. Just ask for a glass with ice, and get unzipping.

Only own crappy things. No-one wants to steal crappy things. Do you think a thief is going to steal a notepad filled with cat photos, strapped to a landline phone that you’ve labeled “the internet”?

No. So why do you insist on owning a Macbook?

Crème de Menthe is an alcoholic product that actually freshens your breath. So does Listerine, but it’ll kill you, so stop drinking it for Christ’s sake.

If you leave your laptop unattended in a student house, someone will go through your search history. Throw in some curveballs. Google “how to kill a gorilla” then click on every link in the first 12 pages. Then try Yahoo. See what they make of that.

Cut oven gloves in half and jam your feet in the holes for cheap slippers. Downside: You will burn the shit out of your hands.

Cut down on your water bill by only showering when your friends hold an intervention.

Become an unlicensed orthodontist. Think of the money. Think of the chicks.

Pouring wine that’s gone off into flat cider is a sign of alcoholism, as well as a damn tasty cocktail.

Never move into a house with a man who carries a knife “in case things kick off”. Also don’t listen to his excuse that “as long as I carry a fork, it’s cutlery, not a knife offence”.

WolframAlpha will solve your Maths equations for you, as will mathway.com. Why learn?

When it comes to the communal showers wear flip-flops. Use prison rules and you won’t get verrucas.

Dye your milk yellow with turmeric. No-one steals yellow milk.

Nap frequently during revision. You’re much more likely to retain the information.

Future you? Screw that guy, he's probably a jerk. Leave the washing up for him to deal with, go and have a nap.

If you aren’t currently crying you haven’t drunk enough gin.

Exams are only 3 hours long. Try to remember only 3 hour’s worth of facts. Any more than this and you’re wasting storage you could be using for cat facts .

Think about what you want to do with your life now, before you end up in prostitution or finance.

You’re clean and wet when you get out the shower. Use this free moisture to clean your towel.

Lock yourself out of social media by using focus lock . Lock yourself out permanently by posting videos of cats in bins and walking away.

You’re the only one who uses your cutlery. Clean it with your mouth, dry it with your hair.

Cut down on your shampoo bill by becoming a middle aged balding man.

Live a life that’s so absurd it’s impossible to “Frape” you. Who’s going to bother changing your status to “Pregnant again, lol” when you’re the kind of guy who claims to have been raised by spiders.

It's ok to make up a reference, as long as you forge the book as well.

Bikes are for chumps. Your transport needs can be solved with an obliging housemate and a saddle.

The bathroom is all the way across the hallway. The sink in your room is at crotch height for a reason.

Housemate annoying you? Set an alarm for 3am, sneak into their room and whisper the word “blood” in their ear until they wake up. They will now make more effort to appease you.

Friends are expensive around Christmas and birthdays. In the run up to Christmas insist on calling them all a bunch of c-words and tell them when they're out you rub your crotch against their cereal bars. Buy them apology gifts in the New Year.

The universe is an inconceivable infinite void of time and space we couldn't possibly comprehend in our tiny irrelevant and inconsequential lifespan. Try to watch more cat videos.

Wars taking place abroad are boring to read about, but you'll need to know about them for conversation with politics students. Pick a side and support them like you would a football team. "Yeah, [INSERT NAME OF WAR-TORN REGION HERE] Kick their asses!"

When you sit at a computer you have access to almost the entirety of human knowledge. Google "Llamas that think they're people". You can thank me later.

Weigh yourself. Now throw out the scales. Fuck scales. Fuck all the scales in the world. What do they know, eh?

Nervous about asking someone out? Picture yourself, vividly, dying alone.

Gonorrhoea isn't one of those diseases you can only catch once. Use condoms or keep your mobile phone topped up. You're going to need to make a lot of phone calls.

Have you ever met an unhappy dog? Observe their behaviour and replicate it. If they're going toilet on the neighbour's garden, so should you be.

Maths students have very little time to spare. Use binary if you want to get their attention. Now you're talking their language.

Proofread with your ears. Paste your essay into Google translate- you’ll spot any typos and weird sentences easier this way.

Oysters are expensive. Eat horse.

Never do any of these 50 things during sex.