Pyongyang, North Korea (CNN) Of the tens of thousands of North Koreans who have fled to South Korea since the Great Famine of the late 1990's, only a rare few have ever asked to return.

Kim Ryon Hui is one of them. The Pyongyang dressmaker -- turned North Korean defector -- says she is trapped in South Korea and desperate to return to her family.

Before defecting in 2011, Kim lived a relatively upscale life by North Korean standards. Her husband is a doctor and the family recently received a new, larger apartment from the government.

Kim in South Korea and her family in North Korea spoke to CNN about her case.

Kim went to China four years ago to visit relatives and seek medical care for liver disease.

She had been hospitalized for six months in North Korea and had heard China may have more advanced treatment. She assumed it would be free of charge, as it is in North Korea, where the state covers most expenses including housing, healthcare, and higher education.

Kim's family in North Korea hope she can get back home.

But once in China, Kim soon found she couldn't afford the staggering medical bills. "It became a huge burden for me to go through treatment in that situation. I couldn't ask my cousin for money," she told CNN.

Kim says she began working at a restaurant in Shenyang but the low wages were not nearly enough to pay for her expensive treatment. She says the Chinese doctors wanted cash up front.

"A broker told me that Chinese people go to South Korea and earn a lot of money. The broker's neighbor also did it for two months," she told CNN.

"I was thinking of recovering completely before returning to my aging parents. I wanted to return home in healthy state. So I said I will go to South Korea for two months and earn the money and get myself treated."

Smuggled into South Korea

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She now calls that decision a horrible mistake.

Kim was taken with a group of other defectors to South Korea, but even before she got there, she says she was having second thoughts.

Kim says she didn't realize that once she signed papers renouncing her North Korean citizenship she could never go home.

"I told them that I didn't know this so I wanted to escape. But the broker took away my passport from me and refused to give it back," she says.

"Other defectors who were with me said if I go out and get caught they too will be handed over to China's Public Security and their life will be in jeopardy. Because I didn't have a passport, I had to follow them and I ended up in South Korea."

Kim says that, at the time, she didn't even know what a North Korean defector was.

As soon as she arrived in South Korea, Kim began demanding to go home to the North.

For South Korea, it's not that easy. It has a protocol to bring defectors in, but it is illegal for them to return.

No way home

And in order to be released from a South Korean processing center, Kim says she had to sign document renouncing communism and agreeing to follow the laws of the South. By doing so, she became a South Korean citizen.

Kim says she's tried to find a smuggler, made repeated calls to the North Korean consulate in Shenyang, -- and then took a desperate measure she now calls "foolish."

She says she pretended to be a North Korean spy in order to be deported. But South Korea doesn't deport spies, they imprison them.

So after turning herself into the police, Kim was sentenced to two years for passport fraud and espionage. Her sentence was suspended in April and she is now out on parole and under close watch. Her status as a convicted criminal makes travel out of South Korea legally impossible.

Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean leader Kim Jong Un meets with North Korea's first female fighter jet pilots in this undated photo released by the country's state media on Monday, June 22. He called the women "heroes of Korea" and "flowers of the sky." Hide Caption 1 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim stands on the snow-covered top of Mount Paektu in North Korea in a photo taken by North Korean newspaper Rodong Sinmun on April 18 and released the next day by South Korean news agency Yonhap. Kim scaled the country's highest mountain, North Korean state-run media reported, arriving at the summit to tell soldiers that the hike provides mental energy more powerful than nuclear weapons. Hide Caption 2 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim Jong Un, center, poses with soldiers on the snow-covered top of Mount Paektu in an April 18 photo released by South Korean news agency Yonhap. Hide Caption 3 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim visits the Kumsusan Palace of the Sun in Pyongyang, North Korea, on April 15 to celebrate the 103rd birth anniversary of his grandfather, North Korean founder Kim Il Sung. Hide Caption 4 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim inspects a drill for seizing an island at an undisclosed location in North Korea in an undated picture released by North Korea's official Korean Central News Agency on February 21. Hide Caption 5 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim speaks during a meeting of the Political Bureau of the Central Committee of the Workers' Party of Korea in Pyongyang, North Korea, in this photo released February 19 by the state-run Korean Central News Agency. Hide Caption 6 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A picture released by the North Korean Central News Agency shows North Korean leader Kim Jong Un appearing without his cane at an event with military commanders in Pyongyang on Tuesday, November 4. Kim, who recently disappeared from public view for about six weeks, had a cyst removed from his right ankle, a lawmaker told CNN. Hide Caption 7 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim is seen walking with a cane in this image released Thursday, October 30, by the state-run Korean Central News Agency. Hide Caption 8 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim sits in the pilot's seat of a fighter jet during the inspection. Hide Caption 9 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military This undated photo, released Tuesday, October 14, by the KCNA, shows Kim inspecting a housing complex in Pyongyang, North Korea. International speculation about Kim went into overdrive after he failed to attend events on Friday, October 10, the 65th anniversary of the Workers' Party. He hadn't been seen in public since he reportedly attended a concert with his wife on September 3. Hide Caption 10 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A picture released by the KCNA shows Kim and his wife watching a performance by the Moranbong Band on Wednesday, September 3, in Pyongyang. Hide Caption 11 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim tours a front-line military unit in this image released Wednesday, July 16, by the KCNA. Hide Caption 12 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim poses for a photo as he oversees a tactical rocket-firing drill in June. Hide Caption 13 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim watches a tactical rocket-firing drill in June. Hide Caption 14 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean soldier patrols the bank of the Yalu River, which separates the North Korean town of Sinuiju from the Chinese border town of Dandong, on Saturday, April 26. Hide Caption 15 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military In this photo released Thursday, April 24, by the Korean Central News Agency, Kim smiles with female soldiers after inspecting a rocket-launching drill at an undisclosed location. Hide Caption 16 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A picture released Tuesday, March 18, by the KCNA shows Kim attending a shooting practice at a military academy in Pyongyang. Hide Caption 17 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean soldier uses binoculars on Thursday, February 6, to look at South Korea from the border village of Panmunjom, which has separated the two Koreas since the Korean War. Hide Caption 18 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean soldier kicks a pole along the banks of the Yalu River on Tuesday, February 4. Hide Caption 19 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A photo released by the KCNA on Thursday, January 23, shows the North Korean leader inspecting an army unit during a winter drill. Hide Caption 20 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim inspects the command of an army unit in this undated photo released Sunday, January 12, by the KCNA. Hide Caption 21 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim visits an army unit in this undated photo. Hide Caption 22 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim inspects a military factory in this undated picture released by the KCNA in May 2013. Hide Caption 23 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim visits the Ministry of People's Security in 2013 as part of the country's May Day celebrations. Hide Caption 24 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean soldier, near Sinuiju, gestures to stop photographers from taking photos in April 2013. Hide Caption 25 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean soldiers patrol near the Yalu River in April 2013. Hide Caption 26 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim is briefed by his generals in this undated photo. On the wall is a map titled "Plan for the strategic forces to target mainland U.S." Hide Caption 27 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim works during a briefing in this undated photo. Hide Caption 28 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military In this KCNA photo, Kim inspects naval drills at an undisclosed location on North Korea's east coast in March 2013. Hide Caption 29 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim, with North Korean soldiers, makes his way to an observation post in March 2013. Hide Caption 30 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim uses a pair of binoculars to look south from the Jangjae Islet Defense Detachment, near South Korea's Taeyonphyong Island, in March 2013. Hide Caption 31 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim is greeted by a soldier's family as he inspects the Jangjae Islet Defense Detachment in March 2013. Hide Caption 32 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim is surrounded by soldiers during a visit to the Mu Islet Hero Defense Detachment, also near Taeyonphyong Island, in March 2013. Hide Caption 33 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim arrives at Jangjae Islet by boat to meet with soldiers of the Jangjae Islet Defense Detachment in March 2013. Hide Caption 34 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Soldiers in the North Korean army train at an undisclosed location in March 2013. Hide Caption 35 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military In a photo released by the official North Korean news agency in December 2012, Kim celebrates a rocket's launch with staff from the satellite control center in Pyongyang. Hide Caption 36 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim, center, poses in this undated picture released by North Korea's official news agency in November 2012. Hide Caption 37 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim visits the Rungna People's Pleasure Ground, under construction in Pyongyang, in a photo released in July 2012 by the KCNA. Hide Caption 38 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A crowd watches as statues of North Korean founder Kim Il Sung and his son Kim Jong Il are unveiled during a ceremony in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 39 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean soldier stands guard in front of an UNHA III rocket at the Tangachai-ri Space Center in April 2012. Hide Caption 40 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military In April 2012, Pyongyang launched a long-range rocket that broke apart and fell into the sea. Here, the UNHA III rocket is pictured on its launch pad in Tang Chung Ri, North Korea. Hide Caption 41 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military – A closer look at the UNHA III rocket on its launch pad in Tang Chung Ri, North Korea. Hide Caption 42 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A military vehicle participates in a parade in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 43 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean soldiers relax at the end of an official ceremony attended by leader Kim Jong Un at a stadium in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 44 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Kim Jong Un applauds as he watches a military parade in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 45 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean soldier stands on a balcony in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 46 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean soldiers march during a military parade in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 47 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Soldiers board a bus outside a theater in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 48 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean performers sit below a screen showing images of leader Kim Jong Un in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 49 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean soldiers salute during a military parade in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 50 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean soldiers listen to a speech during an official ceremony attended by leader Kim Jong Un at a stadium in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 51 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military Members of a North Korean military band gather following an official ceremony at the Kim Il Sung stadium in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 52 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military North Korean military personnel watch a performance in Pyongyang in April 2012. Hide Caption 53 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean controller is seen along the railway line between the Pyongyang and North Pyongan provinces in April 2012. Hide Caption 54 of 55 Photos: Kim Jong Un and North Korea's military A North Korean military honor guard stands at attention at Pyongyang's airport in May 2001. Hide Caption 55 of 55

She told CNN: "There is nothing else for me to say but I am sorry. I didn't even imagine that I would create such a huge problem.

"The wrong choice that I made, my choice of wanting to earn money for my treatment, led to the worst situation in my life. I am regretting with my heart and I am so sorry that I've brought such suffering to my aging parents and husband and my daughter."

Kim says she is now stuck in South Korea with no more options, working as a machine operator at a recycling plant.

"I am living in Daegu and I am going through a regular treatment in a hospital there," she says.

Although her health has improved, Kim says the mental anguish is unbearable. Her arms bear the scars of multiple suicide attempts.

Messages across the border

In Pyongyang, we met Kim's husband and 21-year-old daughter, who hasn't seen her mom since she was 17.

"Why? Why can't she come back," asks her sobbing daughter Ri Gyon Gum. "Why do we have to go through such suffering?

"Why do they drag her like this, despite how she says she wants to go back, [why] not let her go? She has her family, husband and daughter in her country, a daughter who misses her mother, a husband who misses his wife. Do they not have heart and blood?"

Asked if they'd like to send Kim a message, her husband, Ri Gum Ryong, speaks to the camera, at times bursting into tears.

"To my wife in South Korea, don't forget here you have parents, a husband and daughter, and a socialist nation. Keep on fighting until the end," he says.

"My wife is fighting until the end right now, my whole family, my whole North Korean nation. We will all get together so that she can come back. Never stop the fighting."

In South Korea, Kim's hand covers her mouth when she sees their video message, as she sobs violently and watches the clip playing on the computer screen.

It's the first time she's seen her family in four years.

"How can this be? What am I going to do," she asks.

Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Photos North Korea didn't want you to see – A stern looking North Korean guard by the Chinese border customs office. This image was deleted by North Korean officials. Hide Caption 1 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Deleting the offensive photos – Writer Johan Nylander and his guide, Ko Chang Ho, watch as a North Korean guard deletes 90 photos deemed unacceptable. Nylander was able to recover the photos with the help of an IT specialist -- the images that follow are an edited selection. Hide Caption 2 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Hello, Dear Leader – This propaganda monument of "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il by a countryside road, not far from the border to China, was deleted by authorities. North Korea required images of leaders be full body shots. Hide Caption 3 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Waiting for a train – People standing by the train track, while a guard is monitoring the bike race. Hide Caption 4 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Watching the race – In the city of Rason, people are leaning out of windows to get a glimpse of the Western cyclists. Hide Caption 5 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Pedestrian peasants – A woman and a man walking by the side of the road lined with cornfields. Hide Caption 6 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Village life – Villagers waving by the race path. Hide Caption 7 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Heavy security – Guards and custom officials by the border to China. Hide Caption 8 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Secret volleyball court? – By the border checkpoint next to the Tumen River, North Korean customs officials can play volleyball. Officials prohibited any photos of North Korean military bases. Hide Caption 9 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Photos North Korea didn't want you to see – Peasants and villagers standing by the road to look at the Western cyclists Hide Caption 10 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Keeping watch – Guard keeping an eye on the bikers next to a small village. Hide Caption 11 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Photos North Korea didn't want you to see – Kids playing outside village houses. Hide Caption 12 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Waiting for the cyclists – Spectators waiting for the bikers to reach the finish line. In the background the "Great" and "Dear Leaders" Kim Il Sung and his son, Kim Jong-Il. Hide Caption 13 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Standing on bikes to see cyclists – Huge crowds -- some of whom standing on their own bikes -- as they await cyclists by the race finish line in Rason. Hide Caption 14 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Document check – Custom official and tourist bureau guide checking foreigners' passports. Hide Caption 15 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Water checkpoint – Guides from the local tourist bureau handing out water bottles to bikers, monitored by a guard in the background. Hide Caption 16 of 17 Photos: The photos N. Korea banned Writer and his minder – Journalist Johan Nylander and his North Korean guide, Ko Chang Ho. EDITOR'S NOTE: This image was not among those deleted by North Korean officials. Hide Caption 17 of 17

Kim records a tearful apology to her family, telling them doctors are treating her, saying she's never forgotten them or her country, and promising to do everything she can to come home.

"I will return. At some point I will return. Please wait for me until I return," Kim says.

South Korea's Unification Ministry says the law does not allow them to bring Kim's family back together.

Like so many others on the divided Korean Peninsula, they are suffering the anguish of separation caused by decades of hostility between North and South, one of thousands of families torn apart.

We meet once again with Kim's husband and daughter in Pyongyang, to show them her message, which they promise to pass on to her aging parents. They remain unsure when, or if, they'll ever be reunited.

As the video begins, Kim's daughter's hand covers her mouth in the exact same manner as her mother. They bear a striking resemblance. Mother on screen, daughter watching, both sobbing violently.

There are no words. Only heartbreak.