A detailed explanation for people that are curious about my motives (LONG POST)

DISCLAIMER: This is not an excuse for my actions, but merely my perspective on the whole matter.



My actions seemed to have caused a big uproar in the osu community, which resulted in many people who despise me and also some people who supported me which I am grateful for. As many would know I have played the game for so many years and have constantly been a somewhat known player since around 4 years ago. So why did I do what i did? It probably didn't make much sense to many people since my motives didn't seem to be for rankings (if it was I would've been able to take top 3 very, very easily and hardly anyone would voice their doubt), so what other reason could there be?



It was just simply because i felt like it. This may sound like the worst excuse ever but let me continue. As I've been playing this game for so long, I also used to be very enthusiastic and took it really seriously, or else i wouldn't have been able to get to where I am. However I've never really liked too much attention, it was nice at first but over time it became a big nuisance. I never considered myself a 'professional' player like many of the other top players having to care about what they say or do, I simply wanted to to what i want to do which managed to earn me quite a few painful experiences. I was sick of the expectations people forced on me. Similarly, most of the people that approach me would have the same mindset, even if they say otherwise. As a result my interactions with osu players and the community as a whole had never been too well.



I don't think most people noticed, but going by age i'm probably one of the oldest players in the top ranks that doesn't play osu as a career(streaming etc). My priorities in life has changed a lot since back then, such as having to work full time and taking on all the responsibilities of my family due to parents retirement, and paying off house mortgages etc. Some people who has known me for a long time may also know that I've been through some tough times which resulted in myself being diagnosed with clinical depression, and almost lost my life during that time. Through the support of my family, few friends and sheer luck I managed to recover but the experience completely changed the way I think and view things, which resulted in me to stop caring about how others may think of me and did what I wanted to do.



Due to all these experiences and factors, compared to other stuff in my life I didn't see my actions as a huge taboo or world ending sin as opposed to how majority of the osu community took it, due to a difference in perspectives. The person that leaked my chat log had been asking me to do plays for them in order to edit into their own plays on private servers or vids etc, so it was a simple matter of me being curious and trying it. I understand that I've hugely inconvenienced the game's 'integrity' and player's trust in top players as some people mentioned, but please also realise that those things didn't result from my actions alone. I definitely respect the opinions of the community and cooperated as best as I could, but I hope people can also understand that I'm not the spawn of satan coming to destroy the balance of the osu world, or the evil mastermind responsible for all the cheaters that may or may not lurk within the top ranks of the leaderboard.



As apologetic as i am towards the people who were affected by this matter, I don't regret my actions. Although I lost a lot of things such as respect from my fans, I've also gained certain things that may not have been possible without this happening. However please rest assured that doesn't mean I didn't reflect on this matter, as I will definitely not attempt something like this in the future even if I have the chance to.



Thank you for reading this long post and I hope this cleared up things even if by a little bit. I understand that many would still disagree with me but please keep it to yourself as these are simply my honest opinions, and I'm not forcing anyone to accept them unwillingly.

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