Photo: James Chiang

1. The Fanboy

Disposition: Speaks mostly in lines from The Simpsons, Star Wars, Highlander, and Ghostbusters. Enjoys arguing about whether Batman or Boba Fett would win in a fight. (Batman.)

Beliefs: The Force exists, but midi-chlorians are bullshit. Han shot first.

Turn-Ons: Princess Leia in slave gear. Starbuck (male and female incarnations). Amazing Fantasy No. 15. Velour uniforms.

2. The Music Geek

Disposition: Would be really happy to introduce you to music better than that overexposed crap you like. Always up for a show, but it'll totally suck.

Beliefs: MP3s are not as good as CDs, which are not as good as vinyl LPs, which are not as cool as wax cylinders. What your speaker cables are made of matters.

Turn-Ons: A complete set of Sub Pop Singles Club 45s. VH1's Behind the Music (hair metal only). 0.0 scores on Pitchfork. Vacuum tubes.

3.The Gamer

Disposition: High DEX and INT scores, low CHA (thus, the lack of friends). Given to indecipherable insults ("I pwn3d u, n00b!").

Beliefs: The game Real World has a great physics engine, hi-res graphics, and convincing surround sound, but the learning curve is too steep. Girls should dress like Yuna in Final Fantasy.

Turn-Ons: Spawn points. Haptic feedback. Pac-Man ringtones. Morgan Webb. Split-screen co-op.

4. The Gadget Guy

Disposition: Sociable while waiting in line on launch day; ferocious in comments on Gizmodo. Seemingly unflappable in the face of early adopter's remorse (aka Apple Newton Syndrome).

Beliefs: I can fix that. There's no god but MacGyver. The price will drop in a month, but I need it now.

Turn-Ons: Unboxing videos. Backup batteries. Blue LEDs. Laser pointers. People who RTFM. Things that make loud clicking sounds.

5. The Hacker

Disposition: Chronically crabby — then again, having such a superior intellect is a heavy burden. Paranoid tendencies.

Beliefs: One shall stand, one shall fall. Sun allergy is a real condition. Cybersex: not utterly disgusting. Cory Doctorow is too soft on DRM. 2600 magazine has gotten too commercial.

Turn-Ons: Trinity. l33t fluency. Narc-spotting at DefCon.

6. The Otaku

Disposition: Alarmingly happy. Prefers to read right to left.

Beliefs: Manga is a medium, not a genre. Furries aren't loathsome. I can learn Japanese from Gundam. Lynn Minmay is the most annoying character in the history of anything. The next major anime release will be a box office hit in the West — this time for sure. It's not all tentacle porn, OK?

Turn-Ons: Tentacle porn. Dirty Larping. Dating sims. All things kawaii.

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