The Soco Psycho's Survival Guide

OK SO ALL OF THESE AREN'T RULES, SOME OF THEM ARE TIPS, IM JUST TOO DAMN LAZY TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THE TWO ON THIS PAGE OR ANY OTHER. SO QUIT YER BITCHIN AND READ.

I added an Update Page so check it out for all the new rules.

Credit for the scroller the poll and the instant IM link go to James. Hopefully I didn't miss any of the changes he made. Thanks go to the True Blue!

Rule 1. Purchase the periodic table of mixology. Not only will you impress your peers, one day you may have the money to try some of them.

Rule 2. Create a ban list and update it after each and every party. Every once in a while have faith in someone on the ban list and invite them again for a trial run. Here is the ban list for my house and some rules on how it operates. Check and see if you're on it!! The SocoPsycho's ban list

Rule 3. Start big. As a first time drinker start out on 100 proof or above liquor. This way you wont stay a lightweight for long.

Rule 4. Pick out your favorite place to sleep and think long and hard about it. Try to remember how it feels to sleep there because theres a good chance you WILL NOT wake up there in the morning.

Rule 5. Chasers should always be bought in the same trip as the alcohol run. If you drink pop, make it coke. Otherwise pink lemonade is definitely a winner.

Rule 6. Keep an extra bed for company to sleep in so you at least have a chance to get lucky and wake up in your own bed. Of course you will hit the lottery.......twice before you wake up in your own bed.

Rule 7. Latex disposal is a shady area. Just clear out old cardboard boxes or empty pop cans from the room where "it" will be going down prior to "it" happening. This way you can avoid little surprises whan you clean up later.

Rule 8. Be nice to any and all siblings who could turn you in for the party. Do this the day before and up to three days after. This will reduce the amount of blackmail you go through.

Rule 9. When constructing a beer bong, Home Depot is your best friend. Purchase from stupid chicks who will charge 3 feet of hose as one foot.

Rule 10. If you elect a friend as governing regulator of the party keep him away from baseball bats. Supreme Power corrupts and they will think thats what they will regulate with.

Rule 11. Locate the biggest guy in the room, only talk to him sober. Make a note of any girls that talk to him. They are now out of bounds. This is a golden rule, its unbreakable, I don't care if the big guy is your best friend. When alcohol is involved girls become touchy subjects.

Rule 12. If you are the biggest guy in the room abuse your power. Talk to every girl at the party because your an asshole and can do as you please.

Rule 13. Respect another man's alcohol. NEVER take a shot without asking first. It doesnt matter how wasted the owner is always ask. If they say no, proceed with the shot. All I said is you have to ask I never said get permission.

Rule 14. If you decide to buy a mini-frigde to store your alcohol for parties make sure you have a car big enough to transport it in. The last thing you want to do is take it out of the box and throw styrofoam all over Best Buy's parking lot. People will laugh at you......a lot.

Rule 15. Save all your empties. Liquor bottles are good to brag to friends about and empty beer bottles may just save the night. Fuck the stock market and those savings account things I say!! Invest in beer bottles, there the investment that keeps on helping you forget the whole night!

Rule 16. Better yet, have someone else buy the beer while you get the liquor. They'll be too drunk to remember their empties, so even though you have to clean it up in the morning, hey, free returnables!

Rule 17. If you haven't broken the seal for the night sleep in a place where its ok to throw up.

Rule 18. NEVER drink the same day as a breakup, things get messy. Drunk people will yell at you to GET OVER IT!! And you will possibly be placed on a ban list.

Rule 19. NEVER eat a double quarter pounder with cheese from Mcdonalds moments before drinking.

Rule 20. However, feel free to eat chinese moments before drinking, I know, sounds like a bad idea. It worked for me though, I mean besides your entire meal you payed for, your dignity and pride and possibly even a friend or two, what do you have to lose?

Rule 21. NEVER eat an Arbys roast beef & cheddar sandwich, a whole lunchable, bag of crackers, a package of ham, and wash it all down with a half gallon of milk in about 2 minutes...disaster is imminent.

Rule 22. NEVER eat a bunch of pickles then slam the whole jar of pickle juice while your wasted. Chances are you'll be wishing you never even thought about that jar of pickles none the less devoured it.

Rule 23. ALWAYS eat hot dogs 2 hours after you wake up the next morning....trust me it will help. However NEVER eat them before drinking, it will only hurt.

Rule 24. In case you didn't listen to me and ignored the above rules, you will most likely throw up!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! Now when you throw up you have to do it on yourself, have a blackout moment and fall asleep in it. There is no real benefit to this, actually your friends will talk shit about you for it. But do this for me, simply so I'm not the only one who has done it. My thanks go out to you.

Rule 25. Don't punch a drunk guy in the face for any reason. This is a last resort because very bad things happen after you do this.

Rule 26. If you party near drywall dont bring over girls you have feelings for and guys that THEY have feelings for. I'm no chemistry major but I know that formula spells disaster.

Rule 27. If you ignored me.....again you may have one, two or several holes in your wall. Hell lets face it you may just not have a wall at all now. I have no good advice for this except to pray you have extra drywall and a few handy friends. Oh yeah having pothead parents helps too...

Rule 28. If your going to throw up have a best friend who will clean it up for you handy. Also puke in bed while his girlfriend is next to you....itll be a funny tale in the morning.

Rule 29. Don't let your wasted friends use the computer. Yes this will be funny as hell and who knows what kind of shit they'll say to people. But beware. Doing this opens you up for drunken revenge. Do you think this friend will kepp your ass off the computer when your wasted? HELL NO!!! They'll most likely encourage it. If you don't drink, however try and convince wasted people to use the computer because you'll be sober so to hell with them.

Rule 30. Buy your own damn shot glass!!! Theres nothing more frustrating then when your about to pour a shot and someone comes up asking you if they can use your shot glass. If your wasted you'll give it to them and they may not bring it back to you. Thats how shot glasses get lost and thats how friendships are broken.

Rule 31. If you're straight avoid gay parties where liquor is involved at all costs. You may have to explain strange kisses in the morning.....

Rule 32. If someone knocks at your door during a party, get all drunk people out of the room or you may be hearing something similar to this. "Well, he was doing something.......but we don't know what." in response to a parent asking about their kid whose at the party.

Rule 33. Designate ONE person and ONE person only as the bartender. This way when the other person distributing shots walks away, a new guy cant walk up and unknowingly give shots to already wasted people. Thats why your best bet is to not have a bartender and let everyone pour their own shots. Veterans will know when to cut themselves off to avoid death, maybe not puking, but death. For the rookies try to find a veteran to start with, this way nobody has to worry.

Rule 34. If you have a pooltable dont put drunk people on there after they pass out. Puke on a pooltable doesn't come off too easily....

Rule 35. BUY A VIDEOCAMERA, alcohol=blackout moments=id give anything to see THAT on tape!! enough said.

Rule 36. Beware of opossums, when your drunk it may seem like a good idea to throw tires at them, but believe me it isn't.

Rule 37. Death comes in many forms, pints of 151 are one of them. If you plan on finishing one, make a night out of it. A very long night. Not just a couple hours.

Rule 38. Crowd surfing could be fun, but box surfing? The crazy things soco makes you do.

Rule 39. Invite people to party with you who you don't normally party with, then you have an excuse to entertain everyone with your stories of past parties, and lets face it, stories always sound better when you're obliterated.

Rule 40. Drinking games. Plain and simple. Still dont get it, well stfu asshole and get your President a beer.

Rule 41. If you decide to play a drinking game, never ever let someone who isn't drinking play, they cheat, and you want them to die.

Rule 42. When sober, think first then talk later. When drunk, talk first then forget later.

Rule 43. Be careful when drinking if you have a BB gun in the house, it's very easy to convince yourself it'll be fun to shoot at your mothers plastic duck.

Rule 44. Ignore any and all proclamations of love that may ensue from heavy drinking. However, telling someone you'd like to date them while drunk is acceptable. Just don't do it at the end of the summer.

Rule 45. Don't take any shit from your friends about you needing AA. Just tell them, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm just a social drinker who drinks very socially.

Rule 46. Try to always invite at least one person to the party who won't drink. Make sure they wont ruin the fun and will just sit back and laugh at all of you. They'll feel special theyre being invited, while in reality you just need someone to tell you how the hell you woke up where you did and where your pants are.

Rule 47. Prepare for parties at least a day in advance if they are a special occasion kind of thing. If you party every weekend, however, start at least 4 hours in advance. I cant say how many times lack of preparation has killed a party. I can have $100 in my pocket but no liquor without preparation. But by preparing I could be $100 in debt and find a way to obtain a fifth.

Rule 48. Black out, thats the whole reason we're drinking isn't it?

Rule 49. Have fun. Don't worry, your friends will tell you just how much fun you had in the morning.

Rule 50. Above all else, if in doubt, obey the survival guide.