"Brendan vs. ..."

"Weirdos."

"Brendan = hot, Brandon = ew."

"Brendans are skinny cuties with big Ds. Brandons are boring as hell."

"Brian > Bryan."

"Bryans are just Canadian."

"Bryans have bad hair."

"Calebs are cute but too earnest."

"Carls are cute dorks and Karls are sexy boneheads."

"The only nickname as a real name I like is Charlie because Charlies are the best!"

"I love Charlies."

"Charlie is so fun to be around."

"Charlie is good."

"I find Charlies attractive but heartbreaking."

"Charlies are great."

"Chets are dirty and disrespectful."

"OMG, there is literally nothing worse than a Chet, except for a Blaise."

"Chris is a gamer."

"Chris = awful, but ChrisTOPHER is A+."

"Chrises think they know everything."

"Chrises are horndogs."

"They think pretty highly of themselves."

"But yes, Christophers are dreamy."

"But naive."

"But can be pretentious."

"You can take Christopher for a RIDE."

"WHAT ABOUT CHRIS MESSINA, THOUGH?"

"Here's the thing: There are exceptions. But, like, I feel like he IS probably a horndog? He's just an exceptionally attractive one, so who's complaining."

"Is there anyone worse than a Conner?"

"Fucking Conner/Conors."

"Yeah, fuck a Connor. NOT literally."

"Self-righteous."

"Craigs are trouble."

"Craigs are the worst."

"You know what could go either way? Dans."

"Yes, Dans can be whiny but also really loyal and awesome."

"Wow, I agree. Dans are whiny and loyal and attentive."

"David = annoying and clingy and insecure."

"I found Davids to be hot and kind of douchey."

"Davids have the best butts now."

"I feel bad for Dougs."

"I don't think Dougs actually exist."

"Dougs are sad sacks."

"Doug = middle manager."

"One Doug I knew had a crush on me in high school and was super awk but then grew up to be a hot."

"OK, maybe Dougs blossom?"

"Because of Evan Dando I always thought Evan was a hot dude name."

"You know who is so hot that it's infuriating? Gabe."

"I know a skeevy Gabe."

"Eh, Gabes are soft."

"You know what the best is? Gregory."

"OMG, I just like...sighed. Audibly."

"That's like a kitten name. Meet my orange tabby, Gregory."

"Greg is not as hot."

"I've never met a Gregory, only a Greg, which is too guttural."

"Everyone wants a Gregory."

"Harry is the guy I want to date but there's just no chemistry."

"Harry = human equivalent of sheepdog."