For optimal system performance, update your Bible as often as possible.

VERSION 1.0: Original release. Heavens, Earth, formless void.

1.1 Improved visuals with “Light” expansion pack. Replaces “darkness.”

1.2 “Land Animal” expansion pack: zebras, mice. “Fish” expansion pack: eels.

1.3 “Object” expansion pack: tools, human female.

1.4 First-generation Apple product added to Garden of Eden interface.

1.5 “Human Condition” expansion pack: shame, guilt, homicidal violence. NOTE: CRUCIAL DOWNLOAD. WITHOUT DOWNLOAD, BIBLE CANNOT FUNCTION.

1.6 “Sodom and Gomorrah” N.S.F.W. glitch identified and removed. Bible now free of “Homosexuality” virus.

1.7 “Fish” expansion pack: sponges.

1.8 “Bad Things Happen to Good People” glitch identified but not fixed.

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1.9 Fixes “Noah’s Flood” virus, which may result in widespread data loss.

1.10 Update adds dozens of colors to “Joseph’s Dreamcoat” section. Includes: light blue, maroon, dark blue. Removes homosexual colors (lavender, goldenrod).

1.11 New feature allows user to play as Job (difficulty level: “very hard”).

1.12 “Fish” expansion pack: manta rays.

VERSION 2.0: “New Testament” expansion pack. Adds Jesus features.

2.1 Fixes “Immaculate Conception” glitch. All conceptions now maculate.

2.2 “Human Condition” expansion pack: sexual humiliation, homosexual desire, homosexual repression. NOTE: CRUCIAL DOWNLOAD. WITHOUT DOWNLOAD, BIBLE CANNOT FUNCTION.

2.3 New “Rosary” feature allows user to bypass help toolbar and speak directly with Mary. (Note: “Mary” outsourced to India.)

2.4 New three-for-the-price-of-one deal on Christian-deity bundle. Nominal fee for update (ten-per-cent tithe).

2.5 Sabbath upgrade: Saturday to Sunday. Saturdays now available for work, heterosexual intercourse.

2.6 Easter eggs added: “Holy Grail,” “Shroud of Turin,” “Easter Egg.”

2.7 “Jesus AutoSave” feature. Restores Jesus to previously saved form three days after data loss.

2.8 Limited editions available: King James, U2.

VERSION 2.0.1: Inspires popular Koran download. Part of iSlam app.

VERSION 3.0: Industrialization-compatible.

3.1 No longer punishable by death: rounded haircuts, ripped clothing. Beatles-compatible.

3.2 No longer punishable by death: adultery. John Edwards-, Tiger Woods-, Bill Clinton-, Hugh Grant-, David Letterman-, Jude Law-, Prince Charles-compatible.

3.3 “Shuffle” feature allows user’s fate to be randomly assigned whether or not user is morally and spiritually good. See: Hiroshima, Darfur.

3.4 User-helpline feature removed. Direct prophet link from human to God now available online. Go to F.A.Q.s.

3.5 “Fish” expansion pack: that one with the light on its head.

VERSION 4.0: Evolution-compatible. “Missing Link” Easter egg added.

4.1 “Shellfish” expansion pack (replaces “kosher”). Lobster-bisque-compatible.

4.2 Newest Gideon edition bundled with hotel-room drawers.

4.3 Last version compatible with Mac OS 9/slavery.

4.4 “Dog” expansion pack: Labradoodles.

VERSION 5.0: Slavery-incompatible. For continuing access to slavery, use previous versions of Bible.

VERSION 6.0: Homosexuality-compatible. Homosexual colors added back (sea-foam green, fire-engine red).

6.1 Eve now known as Steve.

6.2 “Original Sin” glitch fixed; basic human goodness implied.

6.3 “Bad Things Happen to Good People” bug still presents problems. “Marijuana” patch now allows program to function until solution is found.

6.4 Fish removed owing to climate-change bug: whitefish, sea bass. “Fish” expansion pack: nuclear-mutated fatty tuna.

6.5 “Black people” now known as “people.”

6.6 “Gay people” now known as “people.”

6.7 “Sodom” now known as “West Hollywood.”

6.8 “Hell” now known as “Florida.”

6.9 Limited-edition Kanye West Messiah edition available. “Yeezus” features added.

6.10 “Westboro Baptist Church” virus eliminated. Sent to Hell (Florida) for violating terms and conditions of Bible.

6.11 “Gay Marriage” expansion pack (available in certain areas).

6.12 “God” feature removed entirely. Replaced with “The Cloud.” ♦