Man’s greatest fears have finally been confirmed: Bieber Fever is a real and infectious disease. A scientific study undertaken by biologist Valerie Tweedle and mathematician Robert J Smith? (the question mark is very much a legal part of his name) has found that the “fever for Bieber” can rapidly reach epidemic levels of contagion:

“Beiber Fever has similar properties to other infectious diseases such as a rapid rate of transmission in large populations and debilitating scarring in the form of inappropriate tattoos of Justin Bieber’s name or face. Symptoms include uncontrollable crying and screaming, excessive purchasing of useless merchandise, and making poor life choices e.g. copycat hairstyles and distraction from everyday life.”

Oh the horrors, the horrors. One shudders to think what one would do if a relative was struck down by Beliebus-horibillus. It might be necessary to go get the shotgun; after all, Tweedle adds that its contagiousness can spread through the populace at an exponential rate:

“On an average day 3.4 million tweets (1% of the worldwide total) are Bieber-related, but this can rise to almost 14,000,000 when his fans – Beliebers – are really excited.”

To put that into context, the reproductive rate of measles is eighteen, meaning that in its period of infection an individual can pass it on to eighteen others. Bieber Fever has a reproductive rate of twenty four. God help us all.

It makes one wonder whether the Mayans were not so wrong after all – 2012 could indeed be the end of the world, and it could be worse than the Mayans could ever have imagined. Not a world ending engulfed in fire, earthquakes, and floods, but in a wave of manic hysteria with mankind tearing itself apart to the beat of “baby, baby”, or “let me be your boyfriend”.

All is not lost though. A vaccine apparently exists. It is known as the “Lindsay Lohan effect” which occurs when relentlessly negative media coverage results in everyone becoming so bored and contemptuous of the subject that the rate of infection subsides. Justin Bieber needs to be shown the wrong side of the tracks, but there is only one who can help us, a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a dark knight. Charlie Sheen: it’s up to you now.