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BONE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Retail giant Sex Toys “R” Us has announced that they are not shutting down any stores, laying off any employees, or having any financial difficulties whatsoever. According to a conference call this morning, in fact, Sex Toys “R” Us recorded the highest profits of its 43 year existence in 2017, and they expect to open several dozen new brick and mortar locations throughout the country in the coming eighteen months.

“A lot of retailers are facing issues in the online era competing with companies like Amazon,” Sex Toys “R” Us founder and CEO Richard E. Turgid told investors this morning. “But not us! We have never been stronger. It’s true that Amazon sells sex toys, just like we do, but for whatever reason, people still prefer to buy their dildos, anal beads, and vibrators from some in person. I like to personally think it’s because our service is second to none!”

Sex Toys “R” Us will be opening over 30 new retail locations in the coming weeks and months, Turgid said. Unlike other retailers, he says that his company is recording the highest profits of its existence. The fact that his company is expanding when many are contracting or going completely out of business has Mr. Turgid feeling “very lucky indeed.”

“We’re blessed as fuck, what can I say,” Turgid asked investors rhetorically.

While there have been plenty of retail markets that have been adversely impacted over the last decade by both a global economic meltdown and the rise of the Internet in e-commerce, Turgid says that his company “remains rock solid” and has “stiffened [their] lips” and “girded their loins” for a future in which it must compete with online retailers.”We aren’t the largest and oldest sex toy emporium in the greater southwest area for no reason! We’ve had to deal with a lot of adversity over the years,” Mr. Turgid explained. “The oil embargo of the 70’s made all our dildos have to be made of steel or clay. Then in the 80’s the Reagan Administration made sex outside the bonds of marriage and just two people in a quiet, power missionary position illegal, and we survived on international sales alone.”

Turgid told investors that he understands things can change quickly, and that no company can count on record profits every quarter. But he believes that his company provides goods and services that Americans simply can’t do without. Mr. Turgid doesn’t see a time in the near future when that is no longer the case.

“We’re just happy to be alive at a time when the American people are looking for new and better ways to fuck themselves silly,” Turgid said.

Sex “R” Us stock jumped 325,000% after the announcement this morning.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”