WASHINGTON—During a press conference held in a D.C. parking lot, Environmental Protection Agency head Andrew Wheeler went out of his way Friday to show carbon emissions were safe by putting his mouth over the exhaust pipe of an idling Jeep Grand Cherokee and taking several deep breaths. “Despite all the fear-mongering on behalf of politically motivated scientists, carbon emissions are not harmful in any way, as you can see,” said a coughing, unsteady Wheeler, moments before he was seen vomiting, losing his balance, and collapsing onto the pavement. “They pose no threat at all to the American public, and any hysterical claims to the contrary have no basis in reality. Sure, it does burn the lungs a little, but it doesn’t cause any serious harm to internal organs—look, I’ll even take another puff. Oh, God. Oh, God. Someone help me.” At press time, local authorities had confirmed Wheeler’s death.

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