Men and women have been power-starting their work day with coffee since the 1600s when the new settlers of New Amsterdam began to drink it instead of tea.

We chug it steaming hot from paper cups on commuter trains, we sip it from insulated thermoses while speeding along the highway, we wait on line to get it iced or with a shot of espresso, we wait impatiently for the office Keurig machine to spray it into a ceramic mug.

Whether you prefer it percolated, instant, pour over, French-pressed, fair trade, light and sweet, Venti or hazelnut, for most the result is predictable: A quick rush of energy followed by another another rush–to the bathroom.

In brief: For many (although not for everyone), the caffeine in coffee stimulates muscles in the colon causing peristalsis, the contraction and relaxation of intestinal muscles that causes bowel movements.

The gut- and sphincter-clenching, nerve-wracking need to finish one’s personal business before someone else enters the bathroom

For those who suffer from workplace bathroom anxiety (I count myself among them), the morning cup of coffee is a strange ritual that begins with pleasure and then devolves into shame, anxiety, and fear. The gut- and sphincter-clenching, nerve-wracking need to finish one’s personal business before someone else enters the bathroom, the obsession with one’s shoes being recognized, irrational fear that our coworkers will giggle and whisper or worse, pointing and laughing.

We’re steeped in shame that the world will know that behind our professional exteriors, our carefully chosen clothing, makeup and calculated demeanors, we are foul and gross. We can calculate the timing of a tweet, the wording of an email, the delivery of a presentation–why can’t our insides emit pleasant, predictable content? Like Upworthy.

In an effort to improve office morale, boost productivity and improve employee, er, retention, we offer you four tips on how to create a more peaceful company commode.

Ban bathroom banter Okay, you can’t “ban” it per se, but you can set an example by finding another place to gossip with coworkers. While you figure out how you’re going to break the news to Ted about Sue in ad sales, consider poor Lisa or Albert, gritting their teeth in the last stall, cursing your names. If you’re not on official bathroom business, be kind and stay out.

Don’t text on the toilet A YouGov/Huffington Post poll last fall found that half of people aged 18-29 use their phones on the toilet. Don’t blame the millennials–apparently 42% percent of people aged 30-44 and 24% of people aged 45-64 play Candy Crush behind stall doors. While the survey didn’t account for workplace vs home toilet texting, the lesson here is simple. By spending unnecessary time on the toilet updating your LinkedIn status or doing the Tuesday crossword, you could be seriously contributing a colleague’s decision to find another job where there are private stalls.

Spring for scents Yes, it would be nice if we weren’t horrified by ourselves and the various smells and sounds that we produce. But for most people, that’s wishful thinking. Managers, do your employees a favor and add a few bucks to the budget for environmentally friendly scents. That’s right, one for each stall. For those of us with severe bathroom anxiety, a spritz of spray along with a courtesy flush is a sanity saver. Worried it’s not cost effective? You may see savings due to fewer workers’ missing days due to employee stress and trips to the gastroenterologist.

Be a bathroom monitor Is your office’s restroom as foul as an airplane stall after a cross-country flight? Managers, put a stop to it. The bathroom is a mirror of the company itself. When people care enough to change the toilet paper roll, chances are they care about their colleagues and the work that they’re doing. When the state of the restroom is “fouler than the grisliest Victorian-era charnel house” (to quote a colleague of mine working at a troubled media company), don’t be surprised when morale is stinky. Dissatisfaction can literally be written on the bathroom wall.

At the beginning of my career as a journalist, I worked in women’s magazines, where the very intake of food was fraught with self-hatred and high-stakes personal bargaining. In my days as a freelance and full-time employee at Marie Claire, Redbook and Glamour magazines, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I never once heard a woman execute a bowel movement while I was in the bathroom with her. At the time, I believe I associated this with extreme will-power.