MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

The premiums for the club have gradually risen over the years through a combination of Ferguson-related dressing room injuries, Rooney attacks and the ever-present risk presented by simply being in Manchester.

But with the addition of Van Persie, Ferguson admitted: Unless we wrap Robin up in a bunch of sleeping bags and keep him away from every defender in the country the clubs going to harder to cover than George Michaels Ferrari.

Last season he managed to play 38 games for Arsenal without exploding or falling into bits like the bad guys in the Lego games. What? Ive watched my grandkids play them.

Anyway the doctor doing the medical said Robins like an Alfa Romeo  he can look really sleek for a while but his boot will suddenly fly off for no reason and the next thing you know youre looking at a bill that would make Bill Gates cry just to get him mobile again.

The club have already taken steps to reduce their insurance liability, minimising the risk of crowd-related trouble to zero through filling the stadium with people who arent really watching the match and by keeping the trophy cabinet empty for the last year.

They will also cancel policies on non-essential items such as Bébé, Anderson and Clive Tydesley, as well as reducing existing cover on players to a basic fire, theft and Ryan Shawcross package.

Ferguson said: Were doing what we can, but I just know at some point this year Im going to be sat in my office filling out a thirty-page claim form and drawing a diagram of where all the bits of Robins leg ended up.