WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Moving vans arrived at the White House on Wednesday to remove all traces of competence and dignity.

Working around the clock, movers started clearing out the optimism and progress that had accumulated during the past eight years.

"Once we've packed up that stuff, we'll start moving out the wisdom and maturity," one of the movers said. "The guy who's moving in wants all of that gone."

After the movers complete their work, a cleaning crew will come in and scrub the White House of every last speck of compassion.

The movers are working under a strict deadline, since the White House needs to be totally stripped of decency by nine o'clock on Friday morning, the mover said.

“The new guy wants the place to be completely empty, " he said. "He has a lot of crap."