Torchwood: Fall To Earth

Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. This transcript is not intended for profit, just sharing the love.

–

–

–

–

Missed more than a few words this time, but not too many. Will fix eventually.IANTO: The twenty-first century is when everything changes. And Ianto Jones is ready.IANTO: () All right. Here we go. Come on, come on, come on. Ah! Eugh!PHONE VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE IANTO: Hello.IANTO: Sorry, I’m – I’m on a spaceship and it’s falling out of the sky.PHONE: You’ve reached the Jubilee Pizza Company. There’s no one in right now to take your order. Please speak after the beep. Beep.IANTO: (IANTO: (?) leg. Blood everywhere. Oh, please, someone!FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Flight path deviation. One.IANTO: Jack!WOMAN, ON THE PHONE: () Is that Mr. Jones?IANTO: Yes!WOMAN: Mr. Ianto Jones?IANTO: Yes, oh, thank god, thank god.WOMAN: Mr. Jones, if I may call you that.IANTO: Sure!WOMAN: If I can have a moment of your time. Have you recently experienced an accident at work?IANTO: What?ZEYNEP: My name is Zeynep. Can I interest you in accident insurance?IANTO: () Look! Actually, I’m bleeding to death on a spaceship falling out of the sky.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: You heard me! Listen. Hear that? () That’s the sound of Ephraim Salt’s Skypuncher ship crashing.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones.IANTO: Google it. First private space flight, breaking news, not going well!ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: Is that all you can say?ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones, I must apologize if I have phoned at an inconvenient moment.IANTO: (ZEYNEP: If you wish, one of our operators can phone you on another day.IANTO: Oh sure, I’ll have plenty of time tomorrow.ZEYNEP: Very good then. I’ll update our records. Thank you for your time.IANTO: () Please…ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: I know how it sounds, but I’m not hoaxing.ZEYNEP: Of course not. However, I can sense that I have called at an inconvenient moment.IANTO: Alright! Alright.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: I am interested in your accident insurance policy.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: I would like to buy some accident insurance – if you’ll stay on the line.ZEYNEP: A very good choice, Mr. Jones. Would you like our domestic or worldwide policy?IANTO: Worldwide.ZEYNEP: Very good. This policy is for accident injury in the work (?).IANTO: This! Yes. Yes, fine.ZEYNEP: If I may, I must just finish. This policy does not cover time off work caused by a disease process or long-standing medical conditions. But we do also offer optional compensation for income loss through -IANTO: Yup. T-t-take the box, sure – agh!ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: Nothing! It’s – nothing. Carry on.ZEYNEP: Do you have any pre-existing conditions?IANTO: Uh, my leg’s bleeding everywhere.ZEYNEP: I’m afraid we can’t cover you for that.IANTO: Pity.ZEYNEP: I am sorry. Could I have an email address?IANTO: Ugh. Ianto@Torchwood.org.uk.ZEYNEP: Y for ‘Yanto’ –IANTO: I! A! N! T! O! At!ZEYNEP: Thank you. Now, how will you be paying today?IANTO: (ZEYNEP: By credit, or debit card?IANTO: Uh, hold on. (). Credit.ZEYNEP: There’s a three-pound surcharge.IANTO: Don’t care.ZEYNEP: And the name on the card?IANTO: Mr. I. Jones.ZEYNEP: Can I trouble you for the long number?IANTO: () Seven six seven four nine eight four three three three three three three zero two one.ZEYNEP: So the card ends in two zero three one.IANTO: No, three zero two one!ZEYNEP: Oh, of course, Mr. Jones. I apologize. Three zero two one.IANTO: Yes. God, yes. () God.ZEYNEP: () Now, Mr. Jones, may I have the expiry date?IANTO: You’re kidding. Zero five ten.ZEYNEP: …That seems to have gone through.IANTO: Oh, lovely.ZEYNEP: Congratulations, Mr. Jones. You are fully insured. The policy documents are being emailed to you now. You have forty-eight hours to cancel. Have a safe day at work.IANTO: I’ll be sure to!IANTO: Ah!ZEYNEP: Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. Jones?IANTO: Stop this thing crashing.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: Look. All calls are recorded for training purposes, yes?ZEYNEP: Yes.IANTO: I’m telling the truth. I really am on Ephraim Salt's Skypuncher. Something has gone wrong, and the one person who can help me is you!ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones, I –IANTO, INTERRUPTING: If you don’t, and this recording surfaces, you are going to become famous for all the wrong reasons. Now there’s every chance that it won’t. But guess what, this is life, and these things have a habit of popping up.ZEYNEP: I just sell insurance.IANTO: Oh, today you’re gonna do a lot more than that. Okay. I need you to Google the plans of the Skypuncher. Anything you’ve got.ZEYNEP: I can’t do that.IANTO: Oh, you can.ZEYNEP: I cannot, Mr. Jones. I’m afraid our desktops are locked.IANTO: …Right! Not anymore. I’ve sent you a very special code from my phone to your headset.ZEYNEP: () Oh! What is this? What have you done to my computer?IANTO: Good, isn’t it? Perhaps you’re starting to believe me. Your computer is now one of the most powerful information indexing machines on the planet.ZEYNEP: Who are you?IANTO: Mr. Jones.ZEYNEP: But – (IANTO: Ooh, someone’s gone off-script! Together we are gonna find out how to get the ship down.ZEYNEP: Can’t you do that yourself?IANTO: My phone’s good, but not that good.ZEYNEP: Shouldn’t you even have your phone on a plane?IANTO: Least of my problems! Please!IANTO: Oh – Damn it!ZEYNEP: I am sorry, Mr. Jones. I am going to have to terminate this call.SKYPUNCHER COMPUTER: Please correct angle of descent. Re-engage autopilot.IANTO: () I don’t know how! () It’s fine. Goodbye.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones? Cockpit. Big, green button.IANTO: What?ZEYNEP: Big green button. Press it now.SKYPUNCHER COMPUTER: Autopilot engaged.IANTO: () Oh. How did you know that?ZEYNEP: I play a lot of flight simulators. Figured it was worth a shot.IANTO: We’re climbing. Amazing. Thank you.ZEYNEP: I am glad to have helped you today, Mr. Jones. Is there anything further I can assist you with?IANTO: I’m still gonna need you to Google everything you can about this ship.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones, are you sure there is no one else I can connect you to?IANTO: Oh no. I’ve got you on my side now. Haven’t I?ZEYNEP: …Can I ask what you are doing on the ship?IANTO: Uh, feeling very scared? Ah! Ah…ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: Sorry, it’s – my leg.ZEYNEP: Is it bleeding very badly?IANTO: Yes?ZEYNEP: I am afraid it is our policy to transfer such calls to the emergency serviceIANTO, INTERRUPTING: () No.ZEYNEP: They may be able toIANTO, INTERRUPTING: No, you can’t do that – please, trust me. It’s not – it’s, it’s it’s – complicated. Listen. My leg? It’s fine.ZEYNEP: Is it?IANTO: Yep! Barely a scratch.ZEYNEP: By which I mean you have of course staunched the bleeding with a tourniquet?IANTO: Umm, yes?ZEYNEP: By using something to hand, such as a bandage or a tea towel.IANTO: A tea towel in space? () Uh, I’ve, I’ve got my necktie. I could use that.ZEYNEP: That would work.IANTO: Okay.ZEYNEP: I’m sure you’ve tied it very tight.IANTO: () Augh! Yes.ZEYNEP: Tighter than that.IANTO: (ZEYNEP: Good. Then I will not be needing to transfer this callIANTO, INTERRUPTING: No.ZEYNEP: - to the people who are undoubtedly best-qualified to deal with your situation.IANTO: It’s – complicated.ZEYNEP: As I can see from Google. ... There’s no Mr. Jones listed on the passengers in the news report.IANTO: No, I’m not a, a passenger, I’m the, eh… butler.ZEYNEP: The air steward?IANTO: Mm, prefer ‘sky butler’.ZEYNEP: I see.IANTO: Listen. First private space flight. Lots of celebrity passengers, Ephraim Salt himself, it was always going to be a high-profile event. I had to be on-board to make sure nothing happened, nothing went wrong.ZEYNEP: And how is that going, Mr. Jones?IANTO: I think everyone else is dead and something’s wrong with the ship.ZEYNEP: I see.IANTO: … We’re climbing again. Any luck finding the Skypuncher manual?ZEYNEP: Still working on that. This software is incredible. You should sell it.IANTO: I’ll bear that in mind.ZEYNEP: Please allow me to reassure you, Mr. Jones, that this information is being used with complete confidentiality. And I definitely haven’t looked up a girl I went to school with.IANTO: No.ZEYNEP: She’s so fat! And has maxed out four credit cards.IANTO: () Oh, perhaps you should sell her some insurance.ZEYNEP: () I will bear that in mind, Mr. Jones.IANTO: () Just getting the pilot out of his chair – Ah! May as well enjoy the viewing comfort. There.ZEYNEP: And how is the view?IANTO: Magnificent. We’re at the edge of the atmosphere. Long way up. My friend Gwen says that flying’s two moments of terror and hours of boredom. Heh. Right now it’s just terror.ZEYNEP: Your friend Gwen?IANTO: Colleague.ZEYNEP: Both sky butlers?IANTO: Not exactly.ZEYNEP: Thought not. What are you? Are you a spy?IANTO: Mm…ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones, may I ask what is your current occupation?IANTO: Rather not say.ZEYNEP: I see.IANTO: The view is really amazing. It’s getting quite – floaty. Not 2001, but – Listen. … I just dropped my pen, and it sauntered.ZEYNEP: I do like that word.IANTO: Your English is very good, for a, a, I mean – Oh god, look, sorry, I just assumed call centers are always abroad, so.ZEYNEP: I’m in Glasgow.IANTO: Right, sorry.ZEYNEP: Kidding. I’m in Izmir.IANTO: Which is?ZEYNEP: Look down. Turkey. We’re on the left. Hello!IANTO: Ooh, by the beach!ZEYNEP: Ha. No. We have a river that’s so poisonous you don’t hang your washing up when the wind changes. My office is on the edge of the city and has a lovely view of an illegal sand quarry where people come to crush cars.IANTO: Nice.ZEYNEP: I’ll send you a postcard.IANTO: Still think my view is better.ZEYNEP: And Mr. Jones, what is the purpose of your journey today?IANTO: Because – because, no one believed me when I told them Ephraim Salt was in danger. Wanted to save him. Tried my best. Guess you could call it my – sense of duty.ZEYNEP: You are definitely a spy. Aren’t you, Mr. Jones?IANTO: () Yes. I’m a spy.ZEYNEP: Ooh, tell me more.IANTO: I would, but it’s complicated.ZEYNEP: Have you a license to kill?IANTO: You teasing?ZEYNEP: I spend all day being sworn at by complete strangers. Now it’s my turn. Anyway, we love spies here. Do you know what the Turkish is for ‘briefcase’?IANTO: Surprise me.ZEYNEP: James Bond’s handbag.IANTO: That’s, ah.ZEYNEP: I know. How’s space?IANTO: Quite close, now. The sky’s really curved. We’re heading towards the curviest bit of the – curve, and everything looks odd. Half of the view is broad daylight, and above that, it’s nighttime. There’s a sort of rainbow between the two.IANTO: Whoa!ZEYNEP: Are you alright, Mr. Jones?IANTO: Yup, bit of turbulence. But, uh, this, I (?) – that’s tricky. () We’re leaving the atmosphere. So gradual. But it’s amazing. Feel cold. It must be cold outside. How’s the computer? Might need those texts back soon.ZEYNEP: So you can turn around. The computer’s still working on that.IANTO: In theory, we’re gonna do a vanity loop around Ephraim Salt’s newest satellite and then head back down. Can’t believe we’re gonna do all that on autopilot.ZEYNEP: And how are you at flying a plane?IANTO: Not great.ZEYNEP: James Bond wouldn’t say that.IANTO: Look, I am so not James Bond. Being a spy, it’s um. It’s um. My life is mostly very dull.ZEYNEP: You’re on a spaceship that’s being attacked by terrorists.IANTO: Well, yes, possibly, could be an accident.ZEYNEP: An accident you predicted? Mr. Jones. I sell insurance for a living. We call that ‘fishy’.IANTO: Right. Can I have a moment?ZEYNEP: Sure.IANTO: Space is very… Whoo. …Right, gonna check on the other passengers. Make sure they’re all strapped in. Don’t want a cabin full of floating corpses. () Agh. Right. This is like swimming. Little bit uh, wow. Everyone’s strapped in. Little – peaceful.ZEYNEP: I thought you said they were dead.IANTO: Think so. All a bit of a blur. My leg was – right. Currently I’m feeling up a Big Brother winner.ZEYNEP: That’s not a usual situation.IANTO: Isn’t it? No pulse I can detect. It was so sudden. There was a bang, and –ZEYNEP, INTERRUPTING: Mr. Jones? I’m losing you.IANTO: We’re as close as you can get to the communications satellite. Signal should be peachy.ZEYNEP: Yeah, there’s a whole world between my living and my balcony. Try getting a signal out there. Not a chance.IANTO: We’re really getting close to the satellite. Autopilot’s showing off. Loop around and then back down. That’s where I’m really gonna need your help.ZEYNEP: Computer says it’s at seventy-three percent. Whatever that means.IANTO: Annoying.ZEYNEP: Isn’t it, Mr. Jones.IANTO: We’re about to turn around.SKYPUNCHER COMPUTER: Proximity alert. Proximity alert.IANTO: No! No!IANTO: Augh! Agh! (ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones! Can you hear me, Mr. Jones? Are you all right?IANTO: Not really, no. Small fire, and uh, stuff.ZEYNEP: What’s happened?IANTO: Smashed into the satellite, just swerved. Thought that would be it, but, hey-hey, still here.ZEYNEP: You destroyed the communications satellite?IANTO: I didn’t, the ship just – Wait.ZEYNEP: What?IANTO: () The autopilot’s off. Really need those plans now!ZEYNEP: They’re still downloading.IANTO: () You don’t understand, I need to know how to turn the ship around, otherwise we’re just gonna head off into space.ZEYNEP: It’s nearly there. Can you justIANTO, INTERRUPTING: No, I can’t! If I go much further, I’ll be out of telephone range!ZEYNEP: Right, I’m on it, I’m –IANTO: No. No, no, no, no, no no!ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones, are you still there?IANTO: Yes! Thank you! I feel very faint. Can you speak up?ZEYNEP: Listen to me. This call has gone over the service standard time limit after a purchase. The system has flagged us off.IANTO: But surely –ZEYNEP, INTERRUPTING: I don’t want the computer to notify my manager.IANTO: Oh, no no, of course not, you’re only saving my life!ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones.IANTO: What-what’ve you got?ZEYNEP: I’m sorry?IANTO: Sell me something!ZEYNEP: Uh, pet insurance?IANTO: Myfanwy!ZEYNEP: How do you spell that?IANTO: M-Y-F-A-N-W-Y.ZEYNEP: () M for mother, Y for yeti, F for Freddy, A for apple, N for no, W for weather, Y for yeti.IANTO: Very good!ZEYNEP: And is that a boy or a girl?IANTO: You’re on script again, aren’t you?ZEYNEP: Of course, sir. This will only take a moment.IANTO: Go! I think.ZEYNEP: Dog? Cat? Bird? Rabbit? Or other?IANTO: …Bird! Yeah, bird.ZEYNEP: What sort of bird?IANTO: Exotic.ZEYNEP: Any pre-existing medical conditions?IANTO: Nope!ZEYNEP: Age?IANTO: Ah, uh –ZEYNEP: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that, Mr. Jones.IANTO: Doesn’t matter, three!ZEYNEP: And are you happy for me to use the existing payment (?) if there’s a contact information form (?) –IANTO: Agh! Yes, I am!ZEYNEP: Then I am pleased to tell you that Myfanwy is now insured.IANTO: () Hooray!ZEYNEP: Anything else I can help you with today, Mr. Jones?IANTO: Yes, help me turn this thing around.ZEYNEP: Yes. You need to engage the left thruster gently to turn her back to Earth.IANTO: And how do I do that?ZEYNEP: In front of you is a display pad with a, um. It looks a bit like a steering wheel.IANTO: Yes, but the steering wheel is locked.ZEYNEP: Well good. That’s only for using glide mode.IANTO: What –ZEYNEP: Not important right now. I’ve only read so much of the manual. How did this computer find this? Anyway. Under the steering wheel, two flipper switches like pinball nudgers.IANTO: Pinball nudgers? Ah! Got ‘em!ZEYNEP: Flip the right one, and flip it only to the cross (?) just above the apogee.IANTO: Apogee…ZEYNEP: Til the nose is just poking into the stars and not the sky.IANTO: Right. The right flipper.ZEYNEP: Yes. Careful. They’re more like hairdryers than engines.IANTO: Okay. Done. Now?ZEYNEP: We’re relying on momentum to push you back into the atmosphere.IANTO: It’s working! Slowly.ZEYNEP: Slowly is good.IANTO: How will I know when I hit re-entry?ZEYNEP: It will get bumpy. And warm.IANTO: Whooaa, got bumpy! Wasn’t this bad coming up!ZEYNEP: Then your angle of flight is programmed by experts. I sell insurance and you pour drinks.IANTO: And spy. Whoa! (ZEYNEP: You should now be entering controlled descent.IANTO: Falling slowly.ZEYNEP: If we get it right. Now, how much of the control desk is lit up?IANTO: Uh, all of it. Most of it. I think. Agh!ZEYNEP: Apparently we’re looking for a panel that reads ‘glider wing deployment’. Three down, two across.IANTO: Can’t see it.ZEYNEP: From the left.IANTO: Uh, got it.ZEYNEP: There should be a red light and a graphic. Looks a bit like, eh – You’ve seen Star Wars?IANTO: Of course, I have.ZEYNEP: An X-wing. When it goes green, that’s time to unfold the wings. They’ll slow you down. Then the steering will unlock a new anti-glide mode. See the pips underneath.IANTO: Eh…ZEYNEP: The dots. Right. Dots? Some red ones, some green ones.IANTO: Yes! Yes.ZEYNEP: When you are – Oh, hold on, please, Mr. Jones.IANTO: What? Hello? Look, t-the red ones are switching off. What does that mean? There’s seven green ones – now six – now five –ZEYNEP: I’m sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Jones. I left the page on the printer.IANTO: You printed out a spaceship flight manual?ZEYNEP: Are there two green lights?IANTO: Three!ZEYNEP: Good. When there are two, engage the wings.IANTO: Now?ZEYNEP: Now.IANTO: Hasn’t worked. It hasn’t worked!ZEYNEP: What? Try it again.IANTO: Really?ZEYNEP: Sorry. Eh, give me a second, please.IANTO: () Whoa.ZEYNEP: Okay. You can try it again.IANTO: () Sure.ZEYNEP: Anything?IANTO: No.ZEYNEP: Maybe you’re doing it wrong.IANTO: I’m not doing it wrong.ZEYNEP: Little toggle(?) engage!IANTO: Yep!ZEYNEP: Is there a button labeled ‘diagnostic’? I mean, there is, but can you see it?IANTO: Yes, and yes!ZEYNEP: Press it!ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones? Is there anything more I can help you with, Mr. Jones? … You do know that after ten seconds of silence, I must terminate this call, don’t you, Mr. Jones.IANTO: The whole panel’s gone blank.ZEYNEP: () Oh.IANTO: Thanks. Thanks for that.IANTO: Oh, no! It says there’s not enough pressure in the system for the wings to deploy.ZEYNEP: Meaning?IANTO: That’s it! You may as well try steering a brick! Thanks for trying, you’re welcome to hang up now. Unless you like listening to a whole lot of screaming.ZEYNEP: I’m sorry, Mr. Jones.IANTO: It’s fine, I’ll hang up myself! Just, when a handsome man comes to your desk, and he will –ZEYNEP, INTERRUPTING: Wait!IANTO: Tell Jack I’m sorr- What?ZEYNEP: You said there wasn’t enough pressure in the system. You made it sound like the breaks on my car.IANTO: Well, pretty much. I mean, I’m no expert. Some kind of hydraulic system? What are you suggesting, that I pull up the flooring and yank the cables?ZEYNEP: Can you do that?IANTO: Yeah! This is hardly a 747. () Yep! There we go. All labeled. But there’s no point, it’s not that simple, is it. Oh, there’s even a widget, like when you probe your bike tyre!ZEYNEP: A valve.IANTO: A valve, yeah! I could (?)ZEYNEP: You don’t need to. Is there a fire extinguisher on board?IANTO: You’re kidding. You’re not, are you.ZEYNEP: Just a thought, if there’s not enough pressure in the system…IANTO: The nozzle’s not a great fit, but it’ll have to do.IANTO: I don’t believe it. How’d you know that?ZEYNEP: Unreliable family car. Also, I’m a fire warden.IANTO: Oh, that’s amazing. I’m back in the cabin and the flight deck’s lit up like a Christmas tree. Oh, I could kiss you.ZEYNEP: Flirtation’s not allowed, Mr. Jones.IANTO: They monitor that.ZEYNEP: And heavy breathing, so you need to watch that.IANTO: I’ll try to make my panic less – sexpesty.ZEYNEP: Please do.SKYPUNCHER COMPUTER: Wings extended. Entering glide mode.IANTO: Woohoo! We’ve actually done it!ZEYNEP: I am pleased! Do I need to find out how to teach you to fly the ship?IANTO: Well, the steering wheel thingy’s unlocked.ZEYNEP: Steering column.IANTO: Steering wheel. Now if you can skip a few pages ahead in the manual to the section marked ‘landing’…ZEYNEP: Of course. () Why are you doing this?IANTO: Trying not to die?ZEYNEP: Trying to save people you don’t even know.IANTO: Ah, as I’ve said, sense of duty.ZEYNEP: Right.IANTO: Look. In my line of work, it’s the kind of judgement call you have to make.ZEYNEP: Is that so?IANTO: Do the best I can.IANTO: Aw, shit.ZEYNEP: Now what?IANTO: My phone battery’s on ten percent.ZEYNEP: Oh, allah allah!IANTO: Ridiculous, isn’t it? Oh, my life!ZEYNEP: Have you got a charger on you?IANTO: Bless you for that.ZEYNEP: Thought not.IANTO: It might be fine, it might last.ZEYNEP: When does a phone battery ever do that?IANTO: You’re right. There’s a USB port on the flight deck, but no charging cable.ZEYNEP: I have a suggestion.IANTO: Okay.ZEYNEP: You’re not going to like it.IANTO: Right.ZEYNEP: Search the others on board.IANTO: Ugh… Okay, alright fine. (SKYPUNCHER COMPUTER: Automatic flight control engaged.IANTO: I’m going out on deck. Let’s do this. () Agh… Right. So, this is weird. Lot of rich people. Do I search the boy band?ZEYNEP: Oh, which one?IANTO: Star Seven?ZEYNEP: My daughter loves them! Can you take a picture?IANTO: Of a dead boy band.ZEYNEP: Fair point. Just one?IANTO: No. … Ephraim Salt. I’m going through the pockets of a dead billionaire philanthropist. Bound to have a phone charger. Oh. Oh.ZEYNEP: What?IANTO: He’s not dead.ZEYNEP: Mr. Jones?IANTO: He just has a really slow pulse. I just assumed I was the only one… If I can bring him around. () Ephraim Salt? Ephraim? Nothing. His eyes aren’t responsive either. I don’t understand.ZEYNEP: You didn’t say what happened to them all.IANTO: They were all – talking away. Something happened to the ship, they started screaming. Something cut my leg. But it’s not clear, I just assumed that – I checked the pulses, I did!IANTO: () Oh, god, get away!ZEYNEP: What? What’s happening? Mr. Jones?IANTO: Stay back, stay back! Stay away from me! Agh! Agh! (