April 24, 2020

Beer League In The Time Of Covid-19 – Week 6

We’re going on six weeks here boys. Sitting on the couch, doing the ol’ beer can lifts.

What happens when you take “League” out of “Beer League”? You get just “beer”, which is probably what most of us are doing right now. Watching old NHL games half-heartedly, holding a beer in one hand texting with the other. Trying to find that right fold in the stomach on which to rest our beer. Shaking our fists at the TV because of some game from 15 years ago.

The Beer Leaguers are lost right now. Like a pack of wounded animals scattered in the forest. You’re probably missing your pals, and wondering what they are doing now.

The Organizer This is usually the calm, super clean guy who doesn’t actually talk very much. Just walks into the Locker Room, collects the money and says, “White” or “Dark”. He might not even exist. He might just be a figment of your imagination. Believe it or not, he’s probably getting high off his ass right now on magic mushrooms or MDMA. He doesn’t miss listening to our vacuous sorted complaints about “unfair teams” or “I’ll send you an email transfer”.

The Goalie Goalies are like the Drummers of a Hockey Team. You know, that quirky little guy in the corner who turns into a drunken demon after 3 beers. Spends the game yelling at his D for not clearing the puck. Complains to the ref at least twice a game because someone was in his crease. He’s sitting around right now with a chick he met two months ago sending out the occassional message about how this is the greatest lay he’s ever had. The. Best. Ever. And he’ll keep reminding you about it.

The Noob You know, that guy who can’t skate. Started playing hockey in his late 20s. Wears all second-hand equipment and falls at least twice every shift. He turns using only one leg. Every once in a while scores a garbage goal standing in front of the net and is so excited he jumps in the air, and then falls. He’s probably doing some international music deal right now. Probably a budding millionaire. But we would never know it because we’re too busy watching him fall all over himself all week.

The Goon The guy who gets into a fight every single game. The guy who skates like he’s running but thinks he’s Claude Lemieux. Stands in front of the net and just starts shit with everyone. Every time there’s an altercation you look over and say, “Oh yeah, there’s ____ again.”. He usually has an irritating sounding one-syllable name like “Don”. He dishes it out all game, but gets petulant whenever anyone goes after him. In his trademark innocent whine he loudly complains: “Why are you looking at me!? All I did was slash, hack, cross-check and elbow you in front of the net!?!? What did I do!?!?” Outside of hockey he’s probably an excellent family man who whines when his kids beat him in a board game.

The “Coach” That fucking guy who always makes comments on the bench. He thinks he’s the Coach. “Hey, bro. Next time put the puck up the boards.”. Like, no kidding. He’ll say something like, “I’m not trying to coach you or anything…” (he is trying to coach you), “…But next time… (and then he’ll say the most obvious thing in the world like ‘put it up the boards’)”. And then the very next play, he won’t put it up the boards, and you’ll say to him, “hey buddy, what happened to ‘put it up the boards’?” And of course he’ll have an excuse like, “Well somebody should have been there!”. Uh huh. Thanks Coach. He’s probably spending this lockdown running drills with his kids. Instead of shooting it at the net he’ll have them practicing clearing it up the boards.

The Locker Room “Bro” Here’s the guy who’s always running around the locker room naked spouting nonsense like a kid with autism. He might be whipping people with his towel, or rubbing his private parts in your face. Usually he’s making gay jokes, or talking about how he’s gay so often you start to wonder if he actually is gay. Maybe he is and he doesn’t even know it yet. He squirts shampoo onto his hand, rubs it in your face and then tells you you’re gay. Oh, how I miss hockey. This guy is probably at home doing absolutely fucking nothing and going completely insane.

The Lunatic This guy is different than the Goon. Every 3 games or so he’ll completely lose his shit. He’ll skate across the ice like he’s Scott Stevens and bodycheck the absolute snot out of somebody. Then he’ll double down and yell at his victim, “Keep your head up bitch!”. After that he’ll spend the next three weeks apologizing for it. You secretly wish he would just go after the Goon instead of you. During the lockdown, he’s probably taking Anger Management Classes online. Spoiler Alert: They aren’t working. This guy needs hockey, or a beer. Or both.

The Prima Donna That guy who warms up without a helmet. He skates around slowly in warm-up like a peacock showing off his feathers. All he does all warm-up is take one-timers, and then slowly skates around in a circle like he’s Nikita Kucherov. Once the game starts he spends the entire game in the neutral zone, and doesn’t take more than two strides on the backcheck. He’ll stand in the high slot looking for one-timers all game, and when he doesn’t get one starts complaining that “no one ever passes him the puck.”. He always has a great excuse for why “we lost”, and spoiler alert: It’s never his fault. He’s probably sitting in his family mansion somewhere chomping on cigars while his servants are giving him foot massages.

The Know-It-All That fucking guy who sits in the Locker Room and just talks shit non-stop. He’ll ask a question to someone across the room, just baiting them. Something like, “Come on, you’re not REALLY a Leafs’ Fan, are you??”, or “Where y’all Tampa Fans now!?”. Then he’ll loudly proclaim everyone is wrong about everything. Except for him of course. This guy is now sitting at home alone arguing with people on social media, or writing an obnoxious blog that nobody is ever going to read.

The Gentle Giant That big guy who sticks his ass out and you can’t get the puck off him. Scores goals on wraparounds and floats in the neutral zone looking for breakaway passes. His move on the breakaway is to kick it off his skate, and he’ll do this at least once a game even if you’re losing really badly and need a goal. He never disagrees with anyone and has a taste for haute culture. He’s probably reading Balzac while drinking fancy port in his rural home, cooking every night with truffle oil and eating fois gras which he somehow made himself.

Putting the “Beer” back in “Beer League”

That’s what your buddies are up to right now. Six weeks in and already it feels like hockey is a distant memory. We’re all going to come back fatter than Dustin Byfuglien after a pancake binge.

Now that I’ve written my column for the day it’s time to crack open a beer and watch another hockey rerun. How ’bout a cold one eh bud? If we can’t “Beer League”, we can at least have the “Beer”. See you in a couple months boys.