stadiums, fireworks, then/now/NOOOOPE, suddenly tombstones

BAYLEY: Mania is pretty cool, imma beat everyone at Mania

suddenly CHARLOTTE

CHARLOTTE: Sasha is using you and isn’t your friend, imma beat you at Mania

suddenly SASHA

SASHA: yeah no I’m tooooootally Bayley’s friend, imma beat her at Mania tho

suddenly NIA

NIA: you all suck in general, imma beat you all at Mania

CHARLOTTE: but Sasha sucks the most tho

everyone beats up everyone else, guess we’re having a tag match

CHARLOTTE: have some offense

SASHA: k but rest holds

CHARLOTTE: k but tag

NIA: I am very big

SASHA: tag

BAYLEY: welp

NIA: tag

CHARLOTTE: wait why would you - ok fine

CHARLOTTE kills BAYLEY

BAYLEY: tag

SASHA: yay offense

NIA: my turn

NIA kills SASHA

CHARLOTTE: tag

SASHA: I will be your face in peril for the evening

CHARLOTTE and NIA kill SASHA

SASHA: hey Charlotte have a Nia, tag

BAYLEY: offense and pin

CHARLOTTE: nah and figure eight

SASHA: nah to you and Nia

BAYLEY: imma pin Charlotte so I can look strong

BAYLEY wins

NIA: but I am very big

NIA kills everyone

COLE, BYRON, GRAVES: the Hall of Fame thingy is this Friday

VIDEO: member how Steph fired Mick last week

CHARLY: hey Sami, Mick got fired, how bout that

SAMI: yeah really miss that guy that kept stopping me from fighting, anyway imma enter the Andre

STEPH: nah unless you beat KO in a no dq match tonight, if you don’t you’re fired

suddenly purple ropes, NEVILLE’s on commentary, ARIES and NOAM have a fight

ARIES: dropkick to the face, gotta look strong for Mania

NOAM: k but can I beat you up first

ARIES: why not

NOAM beats up ARIES, then ARIES beats up NOAM and wins

NEVILLE: staredown?

ARIES: staredown

suddenly tombstones

COLE: IS TAKER DIGGING A NEW YARD FOR ROMAN

UNIVERSE: obviously

SETH’s here

SETH: come out HHH

HHH: k sit down

SETH: can I sign the thing

HHH: nah imma say things

SETH: now can I sign the thing

HHH: nah imma say more things

HHH

says

a

whole

lot

of

things

SETH: all those things you said are BS, imma sign the thing

SETH signs the thing

HHH: well this is a contract signing so

insert standard contract signing beat-em-up except more knee spots

SHOW: I am very big

SHOW throws JINDER and BO and STARS out of the ring, suddenly some wrestlers throw him out of the ring

SHOW: but I am very big

SHOW kills everyone, suddenly BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUN

BRAUN: I am also very big, imma beat you at Mania

ROME: hey Goodbros, you’re gonna wrestle Zo&C, how bout that

GOODBROS: Zo&C suck AND YOU CAN’T TEACH THAT

suddenly tombstones and TAKER digging a hole

CHARLY: hey Roman, Taker’s digging holes and there are tombstones, how bout that

ROMAN: don’t care

NEW DAY: gonna run up the Rocky steps

E: imma walk up the Rocky steps and win the race, this is somehow funny

COLE: New Day’s gonna be on ESPN tomorrow

none of the UNIVERSE sets their DVRs

ROME: hey Cesaro and Sheamus, you’re gonna fight the Goodbros at Mania, how bout that

C&S: we are indeed

GOODBROS: surprise

GOODBROS kill C&S

suddenly purple ropes

COLE: the netWWE worknet thowork thetho

GALLAGHER: shake my hand

NEVILLE: nah, rest holds

GALLAGHER: I’d rather not, shoulder tackle

NEVILLE: KIP UP, now please die

GALLAGHER: but headbutt, now imma do umbrella things

NEVILLE: that’s neat, time to look strong before Mania

NEVILLE wins

ARIES: hey New Day, think I can beat Neville

NEW DAY: idk but can you gyrate

ARIES: yuuuuuuup

NEVILLE: what the actual

DUM DUM, DUM DUM, DUM DUM, DUMB DUMB

ROMAN: member when I won the Rumble in Philly and headlined Mania twice

UNIVERSE: screw you

ROMAN: I’ll probs beat Goldberg and Bork and Cena whenever Vince gets around to it, imma beat Taker at Mania

GONG

TAKER: nah, dug you a grave, now I’m in the ring, imma beat you at Mania

VINCE: nah

COLE, BYRON, GRAVES: THE WWE NETWORK THO

ZO&C: HOW YOU DOIN, SAWWWWWW-

GOODBROS: shut up

suddenly CESARO & SHEAMUS

C&S: hey Goodbros have a ladder

BYRON: ladders are dangerous

everybody kills everybody else, their Mania match obviously has ladders now

CHARLY: hey KO, you’re gonna fight Sami and then your friend Jerich-

KO: shut up, I used to like Jericho but he sucks, imma kill Sami tonight and get him fired

COLE, BYRON, GRAVES: JUST BUY THE WWE NETWORK ALREADY, LOOK HERE’S EVERY MANIA MATCH, IT’S THE ULTIMATE THRILL RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE

BEAR: hoo boy

BEAR adds “energy drinks” to shopping list

KO and SAMI have their umpteenth fight

KO: imma beat you up

SAMI: same

KO: wanna fight in the crowd, that’d be different

SAMI: k

KO: have a table

SAMI: but moonsault off the ramp

KO: k have some stairs and a cannonb-

SAMI: nah, turnbuckle ddt, helluva k-

KO: superkick and pin

SAMI: nah

KO: how bout now

SAMI: nah, blue thunder bomb and pin

KO: really does that ever work

suddenly JOE

JOE: I have a chair

JERICHO: can I fight someone now Bear

BEAR: sure but why ask me

JERICHO: gotta break the fourth wall down somehow

BEAR: this one was kinda lame

JERICHO: well you write this not me, anywho time to beat up Joe

JERICHO beats up JOE and KO, also SAMI won and wasn’t fired I guess

JERICHO: I have a new list and KO just made it

KO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

here’s BORK

HEYMAN: Bork’s gonna beat Goldberg at Mania

GOOOOOOOLDBEEEEEEEEEERG etc.

GOLDBERG: nah let’s fight now

GOLDBERG spears BORK

BORK recovers by eating every cheesesteak restaurant in Philly