(Picture: Charlotte Cockell for Metro.co.uk)

Pondering the ethics of public perving? Curious to dabble in late-onset gayness? Wondering if it’s possible to have a guilt-free breakup?

Metro’s pasty adjudicator Andy Hill is here to help.

I love sunny-day parenting because you’re all at work and I’m not

Basically Dear Deirdre, for people with an above-infant reading level.

Fair warning – he’s not one to pull punches.


So if you’re eager to unpick the proverbial Gordian knot, say hi to the garrulous greaseball of Golders Green – Andy Hill

Dear Andy, I’d like you to settle an argument please. My friend never gives spare change to the homeless. I always do. He reckons charities believe it keeps the homeless in a cycle of poverty and despair, and they know best. I think he’s just being selfish and tight. The same homeless guy has been on my street for like two years, and charities don’t seem to be able to do anything for him. What do you think? RexShillerson

Hey Rex,

I frequently give change to the homeless.

Normally because I’m tipsy and in a good mood.

Occasionally because it’s rainy or cold, and the nice person inside me wants to help a luckless stranger enjoy some meagre comfort.



I know, f*** me right?

So good for you, tell your mate he’s a prick.

We’re all just one bad relationship, or a few too many dabbles with booze or drugs, from life on the streets.

At times, I wonder what kind of homeless person I’d be.

Hopefully the kind that always has a shopping trolley full of stuff to push around.

They just seem like they have so much more going on in their lives.

Entrepreneurial, go-getting, prepared for any eventuality.

Seriously though (trigger warning – virtue signalling ahead) there are loads of ways to actually help the homeless.

Asking if they’re hungry, or thirsty is a good start.

A supermarket meal deal costs, what, three quid, and can’t be exchanged for crack.

When I worked as a chugger for Shelter – yep, I was a sanctimonious dickhead long before Metro inflicted me on you – I acquired huge respect for their work, helping people like us, who just so happen to be going through a rough patch with nobody to turn to.

Set up a Direct Debit, volunteer, buy some dead geezer’s awesome old jacket from Shelter’s many brilliant shops. It really helps.

And if you happen to pass a sad soul on the sidewalk, offer them a smile, a quick hello and whatever shrapnel you have rattling around in your pocket.

You’d only spunk it on something dumb anyway.

Then, as I’d always say to punters when I convinced them to reluctantly hand over their dosh: Enjoy your good karma.

Got a question for Andy? Got a burning question you think Andy might be able to answer? Comment below and let us know or email hey@metro.co.uk You can also find Andy on Twitter and Facebook

MORE: Ask Andy: How to get free stuff from Pret, and can I be a writer?

MORE: Here’s how parents can keep that sexy spark alive and how to deal with an unwanted vcard

MORE: Ask Andy: Should couples have threesomes and how to bat off unwanted parenting advice

Advertisement Advertisement