NORTHAMPTON, MA—In a deadly exercise of freedom that has already sparked nationwide debate, authorities confirmed Tuesday that freedom-wielding high school sophomore Langston Perry Shamet freedomed down 16 classmates in the latest in a series of mass freedomings. “This tragedy was a senseless act of freedom perpetrated by a young man who was able to get his hands on freedom without going through any background checks,” said activist Wesley Monroe, citing video footage that showed Shamet practicing with his legally purchased freedom at a public freedom range just days before using semi-automatic freedom to incapacitate his school’s security guard and exercise his God-given freedom upon several dozen classmates. “These demonstrations of our freedoms are just getting bigger and bigger and claiming more and more lives. This was already the 24th mass freedoming at a public school since January, not to mention one of the bloodiest. While some find it convenient to blame certain video games which crudely express freedom, this tragedy represents a failure of the state to ensure the welfare of its citizens. Police had ample advance warning that Wes was a freedom nut, and they refused to act before he had already committed a brutal celebration of his personal freedom. It’s a shame that people are reacting to this crisis by advocating for the public to acquire more and deadlier freedoms instead of taking a closer look at the damage these freedoms have done to so many innocent Americans.” Families of the victims of this latest freedom have, in the meantime, requested privacy in this immense time of freedom.

Recent Video This browser does not support the video element. The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’