Just some thoughts…

After returning from AVN week a couple of days ago (my 4th!!! Where does the time go?!) I’m STILL riding the high that was brought on by an overwhelming number of people who took time out of their lives to come say hi to me, take pictures, and even bring me some incredibly thoughtful gifts. It absolutely blows my mind that I met several people who came all the way to Las Vegas because they wanted to meet me in person, and I’ll forever be grateful to have encountered such phenomenal human beings.



Looking back on my life over the past four years, beginning when I decided to make the terrifying life change of essentially dropping my entire life in the 9-5 world on the east coast and hitting the “Restart” button to move out to LA and start fresh, it’s as if I’m looking back on the life of a completely different person.

While deciding to pursue my not-so-conventional career was among the scariest moments in my life (I literally came out here with a few boxes of stuff and knew very few people), it was also the beginning of the major shift I needed to TRULY blossom into the person I’m meant to be. And thus began my ongoing journey towards self discovery, personal growth and ultimately becoming the best version of myself that I can possibly be.

While this journey is one that will last my entire lifetime as I continue to dive headfirst into the unknown well before I’m ready, creating whatever it is I feel inclined to create and ultimately just being a good human being overall (and surrounding myself with those who prioritize the same), it’s both terrifying and over-the-top exciting to think about where I’ll be in another four years. Because in just these four short years of adult entertainment, I’ve blossomed from a girl with an ultimately embarrassingly low regard for other human beings with far less confidence and far more uncertainty in herself…into a woman who is beyond confident in herself and her abilities, who expresses love and gratitude every single day and who prioritizes people first and foremost.

When I decided to become an adult actress, I accepted the fact that I’ll forever be a black sheep of society. I accepted the fact that there would be many people who wouldn’t understand my reasons why, who would tell me that I could “do better,” who would have a plethora of misconceptions about my profession and make quick judgements based on these assumptions. I accepted the fact that I would never be able to “work for anybody else” ever again. I accepted the fact that I would be at my most vulnerable (naked and having sex on the internet) for literally the entire world to see, for eternity. For some, these acceptances would be a living nightmare. For me, they FAR outweighed the feeling of regret I knew I would have if I did not choose this path.

While I initially was enticed by the glamour the world of adult entertainment offers, I remain here because this career path quite literally saved my life. When you’re fully in tune with yourself - what you want out of life, what fulfills you, your values, what you were put on this earth to do, what satisfies you in all aspects - you become an unstoppable force who knows there are no boundaries when it comes to what you can accomplish with your life. That these so-called “boundaries” are merely put into place by people who are afraid to take control over their own lives, to be daring and go after what they truly want. People who would, in a heartbeat, trade lives with you if they knew it meant a sense of instant inner peace and self-fulfillment for them.

And for me, becoming an adult actress evolved into the role of helping to bridge that gap between adult entertainment and “mainstream.” It meant being a representative of what it truly means to be a modern-day woman. It meant being a living, breathing example of the fact that human sexuality is just as normal and crucial to each and every single one of us as eating and sleeping is. It meant showing others that it’s OK to enjoy sex in all forms, and to be empowered enough to make that statement in a society that is well on its way to full on acceptance, but certainly still has much room for improvement.

It’s always fascinated me that here in America, our media glorifies and capitalizes off of a woman’s sexuality every single day, yet is quick to shame those same women who choose to take it into their own hands to express themselves in the same way. I know that if I were a male, I would be commended for my profession far more often than I am condemned for it.



And as someone who thrives off of personal growth, I see this as not a barrier, but a challenge that I have dedicated my life to contributing to, alongside with many other women in the industry who have taken on the same stance.

For me, 2017 was the most difficult year of my life - I lost a parent whose pride in me had never faltered, leaving a hole in my heart that will never truly disappear. With that, I also lost an entire side of people I once called family whose true colors emerged when the glimmer of potential financial gain was at stake. I ended my first true, loving relationship. I made the decision to move COMPLETELY on my own for the first time in my entire life, with only myself to rely on to pay my bills, put food on my table and be responsible for (except of course for my fur baby, Scout :) ).

But through all of this, I’ve also learned that when you walk through hell and come out the other end a bit battered but nonetheless still standing, that your true self emerges. That your priorities in life, as well as the people you DO choose to keep close and the unfaltering amount of dedication and love you give to them, unconditionally…all experience a major shift.

I’ve learned that instead of approaching change kicking and screaming, resisting the unknown, that change will occur no matter what. And with said change comes a level of personal growth that does not unveil itself until you’ve undergone it. So with that, I’ve concluded that instead, taking a deep breath and diving head first into change and fully immersing yourself instantly is, while indescribably difficult, also the key to inner peace and fulfillment. Elements that some experience early on in life, some experience far later, and some never truly experience at all.



With experiencing this astronomical shift, I know that 2018 is the beginning of a brand new chapter for me that will undoubtedly be full of discomfort and fear, but because of this will also be my biggest year of creation, self discovery and achievements. And I could NOT be more excited.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

-Marianne Deborah Williamson