WASHINGTON DC — At approximately 8 am this morning, Muzzfood released a trove of data containing Donald Trump’s private Internet history from the last six months. The data release included over 9,000 pornographic search queries from a variety of colorful websites.

While the majority of searches contain rather boring albeit salacious language, typical of one searching for pornographic content, e.g, lots of BBC, SPH, and DBP, a handful of outliers and other concerning patterns arose from our preliminary analysis of the President’s viewing habits.

Interestingly, the President shows a clear preference for narrative-heavy pornography. For a man who can barely read, he sure does love his naughty vids to spin a good yarn.

Listed below are an assortment of the President’s most curious searching behaviors.

1. Lots of Father / Daughter Stuff

The first thing we noticed in our analysis was tons of weird father/daughter searches. To our surprise, the President is not alone here, incest roleplay is a burgeoning subgenre that’s already captured the boners and clits of Americans everywhere.

Given President Trump’s (and the nation’s) clear admiration for his daughter Ivanka’s well-shaped bosom, these searches only go to confirm public suspicions that he would love to schnoop his daughter and wipe that smarmy grin off his son-in-law’s face.

2. & 3. Russian Slaves & Golden Shower

The President’s searches also display a passion for Russian sex slavery, with searches including, “Pussy Riot Gets Punished” and “Siberian Street Meat.”

Many of the search queries also tied into another prominent subgenera, the Golden Shower film.

For those outside the splash zone, Golden Shower is a term in porn used to designate when one person urinates on another. It’s often done in a demeaning way, such as a saggy-sacked real estate agent pissing on the tear-streaked cheeks of two Russian sex slaves.

4. Spoof Sex Videos Containing Himself

President Trump also enjoys watching parody pornos that feature himself, apparently.

He spent over 17 hours in the month of January watching spoof pornos of himself, played by more attractive actors of course, having sex with actresses playing Oprah, Hilary Clinton, and Barack Obama, to our bewilderment.

5. China’s Gina

For a two-day period in early December, President Trump only watched content from a single query’s results, that being China’s Gina.

As to why the President fell into an asian porno hole, one can only surmise.

6. Kim Jong Un’s Big Yellow Rocket

Demonstrating a natural evolution within the asian porn world, after only a few days, President Trump moved on from Chinese porn to Korean, but with a curveball twist.

Donald Trump searched for Kim Jong Un’s Big Yellow Rocket 117 times over a week long period in late December.

After assigning our single and overly horny intern Greg to research this portion of the story, he informed us that Kim Jong Un’s Big Yellow Rocket is a wonderful and complex drama that will leave you leaking from your eyes and your penis.

7. Spice and ICE: South of the Border Tail

Last on our list of keen observations is Donald Trump’s most trafficked video search, titled, Spice and ICE: South of the Border Tail.

In this narrative-heavy porno hit, a Mexican mother of three, captured with her family by ICE while crosssing the border, has to compromise her honor for her freedom. In order to enter our country, she allows an ICE agent to enter her cuntry, no permit required.

In the end, the ICE agent shows sympathy, persuaded by her tail. She receives and all-American facial and a green card, taking her first step towards the materialistic life of grandeur for which she’s risked everything.