I struggled with infertility with each of my babies thanks to my PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). After trying for over a year, I decided to try an elixir of sorts, Lydia Pinkham, to get pregnant. I really held no faith in it. The bottle itself exclaimed ‘a baby in every bottle’! I just KNEW that it wouldn’t work and I was proven wrong by that positive pregnancy test a month later. Around 9 weeks, I became incredibly ill. I was so so sick. I was put on several medications to help control my morning sickness. I was sick all times of the day and night and no amount of advice from other moms worked. This was my first pregnancy so I kind of felt like maybe I was just being a wuss. A week or two later, I went on bed rest. I couldn’t drive, walk, or exist without getting sick. While lying on the bathroom floor clutching the toilet I told myself often that it was for the greater good. I would be getting a beautiful gift at the end of all of this.

I opted for the 12 week nuchal genetic test. I didn’t have a reason to think there were any problems. I thought it would be a great time to get to see the baby again. Our happy appointment turned doubtful when we were told that our child was at risk for a chromosomal defect and the odds were Down syndrome. Many children can live happy lives and have Downs. I was sad at first because it’s a different life than the one I imagined, but it could still be a happy life. At 18 weeks, we went in for an anatomy scan and we learned that we would be having a little boy. We also learned that he had many holes in his heart and that he didn’t have a stomach. It was a very grim reality to face. There wasn’t much hope given about his survival beyond my womb. An amniocentesis was done to confirm the diagnosis. If he did have it, I wanted to make sure that we knew what to expect and that we had a pediatrician who knew how to care for kids like him. I got a phone call that confirmed that he did indeed have Down syndrome. I curled up into a ball and just cried so hard. A week later we went in for an echofetalcardiogram and we discovered that his heart was no longer beating. Our little boy had passed away at 19 weeks gestation.

I decided that I wanted to go through with labor and I wanted to meet him. After 20 hours of labor Zane was born. I was so emotional spent that I don’t remember much from this time frame. Fortunately our nurses were very caring and empathetic to our situation. They helped take pictures of us with him. They provided us with a crocheted blanket for him. They cut out a heart and put his footprints in it. They gave me a hand painted box for his things. Coming into the hospital with a babe in my belly and leaving empty handed was a miserable experience. One that I didn’t prepare myself for.

The amount of grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, and depression were at an all time high for me. I spent several days in bed after having him. Time passed by slowly. I couldn’t walk past families, or the baby section in the store, or be happy for my friends who were moms. I was angry that I was robbed of the experience to be a mom. I felt jipped that I had been so sick and came out empty handed. I had loads of doubt about getting pregnant again. Could I get pregnant again? Would we face the same circumstances? All the uncertainty made my stomach churn.

Fortunately, I now have two healthy children. I was very sick during those pregnancies as well but not as bad as Zane’s. I am not at peace with the loss of my son. He was a very ill little boy and I wouldn’t have wanted him to experience any pain. I am glad that I was able to be with him when he passed, even though I don’t know exactly when it occurred. I know that he wasn’t alone and that he felt my love.

I have learned to truly value my children. I am thankful for each and every day that I have with them. I am thankful for the moments we share together big and small. At times when life is busy or stressful, I make a consciences effort to be thankful for their health and their existence. They make my life more fulfilling on every level. Because I have experience a tremendous amount of grief; I have experienced joy in the smallest of things. I love from a deeper place now.