About time, right? Just took them about 42 attempts!

Format: The above image pretty much says it all, but moreover, the challenge producer who thought this up deserves a raise. Whatever the expense was in flying all the queens back and housing them, it was worth it because this episode had me on the edge of my seat the entire time (especially considering how unfortunately unpredictable this season’s eliminations have been).

Quite frankly, I wish this would be the new format for the makeover episode because I really wouldn’t change a thing with this episode. Wait, that’s a lie; I totally would change that weird scene where the eliminated queens had to campaign for their return by competing with who has had the most unfortunate life. It was like, “I had no-homo therapy!” “Well, I had a stepdad!” “Well, I had an abusive stepfather!” “Well, I was born without a personality!”

Like it could’ve been cool if any of the conversations felt even a smidge organic, but they didn’t and it was just uncomfortable.

Anyway, let’s talk about some queens:

Ginger Minj and Sasha Belle– I mean there’s was no way that the road to victory was paved with pink cheetah print. Unless victory for you means New Jersey; in which case yes, that’s exactly how those roads are paved.

I can’t imagine how rich Ginger made tobacco companies solely based off how many she must’ve had this episode; I feel like as soon as the reveal happened she just went off to chain smoke a full carton. Which is justified considering Ginger and Sasha did not turn out to be a winning pair though, fear not, that hasn’t to put them off continuing to give each other disastrous makeovers:

Also, anyone else notice how uncomfortable Sasha Belle was during every conversation she had with Ginger this episode? It was like:

Like she was Tina Belcher-ing it in the severest and it was hilarious. Like bitch knew how she was probably going to be shown this episode and she was not going to add a single piece of kindling to the fire by opening her mouth.

Speaking of things Sasha has a hard time with:

Gurl cannot keep a breast on to save her life.

Gotta bolt those things down next time, clearly trying to tether them to flesh, even other people’s flesh, isn’t enough.

Jaidynn Diore Fierce and Tempest DuJour– To some degree I understand Tempest’s level of bitterness in coming back only to have her opportunity to rejoin the competition shut down from the get-go, and I even wholeheartedly agree that she should have lasted longer, but damn, can’t be looking to point the finger for your losing when your attempt at a comedic theme was disco. Which is a punchline I don’t think has landed a single time in the history of ever.

Concerning Jaidynn, now that she’s gone I’d like to take a moment to say I am so fucking done with the phrase, “C’mon ___” and ten times more done with hearing queens tongue pop. Like unless your Alyssa Edwards or Raven or someone who did it before tongue popping before it became it’s own language, let’s dial it back to a two. Am I the only one on board with semi-retiring it? I even made something to commemorate the good times:

Is it weird that framed like this it looks like Laganja is literally using her last breath to tongue pop and then passing on? I feel like that’s the most accurate prediction of her deathbed scene that could ever be made. That or a death drop into her own casket.

Katya and Mrs. Kasha Davis- Well, crisis averted, kids, Katya didn’t end up needing to set the returned queen’s house on fire; so Katya gets to stay in the race another week and Trixie gets to keep her home.

Although it would’ve been a great finale to Katya’s Rugrets series to have her revealing that she’s been in jail this whole time for setting the returned queen’s house on fire.

Moreover, the decision to conjoin at the vaginas was fantastic and had Kasha done better on the show, she likely would’ve won the challenge, but I almost wished Katya, with her gymnastic abilities, would’ve done something even more bizarre like a CatDog conjoining. But whatever, considering they make the queens stand on stage for hours it’s not like the queens are willing to treat themselves to more punishment along the way.

Anyway, it would have been nice for Katya to have won, but whatever, another time I’m sure; Kasha however seemed to take it a little harder considering she’s auditioned for this show a few times. How many was it again? Three times? Four? Sixty-Eight? I feel like she doesn’t say it often enough; Kasha, how many was it?

Oh, you forgot too? Whatever, I’m sure it’ll come to me.

Kennedy Davenport and Jasmine Masters– Like how is this joining with only one piece of fabric covering both of them besides the shawl? Are they supposed to be joined at the kneecap? And why the hell would they even make a slit where they’re supposed to be joined? Kennedy what is going on in that brain of yours?

Well to answer my own question, apparently half-baked ideas like this attempt at catchphrasing:

No, Kennedy, just no. Your confessional privileges are revoked. You can have a confessional scene again once you agree to stop trying shit like this.

Miss Fame and Kandy Ho– Finally she got the joke, y’know, the one that she’s been literally hearing for episodes. It was starting to get creepy how often she was missing the punchline; I was worried one time she was just going to reply, “Which one?” and open a door to reveal a freezer full of severed heads all flawlessly beat.

Pearl and Trixie Mattel– I could not feel more elated that Trixie is back, if anything, researching her during her absence has confirmed that she’s my favorite this season, but at the same time it could not feel like the elimination outrage could not feel more plotted considering the results of this episode.

Here’s a quote from Trixie that pretty succinctly describes my feelings on her elimination storyline:

“I think Episode 4, it was the first time audiences felt like they weren’t watching a competition, they were watching something scripted,” shared Mattel during a video interview filmed amidst national broadcasts of Episode 8, which featured her dramatic return to the series. “That’s the problem [fans] had with that elimination.” “They were like, ‘This isn’t supported. You’re just doing this. We invest time in watching this show, it needs to be a believable competition,'” Mattel stated, “I think people were like, ‘This is fake. Why am I watching?'” [Full interview here]

That being said, I’m so excited for Trixie’s return to the competition, but I’m not putting my #JusticeforTrixie sign completely down until she makes it through next episode considering we all know the curse of the returned queen is to last only one episode.

Violet Chachki and Max– The fanfic romance novel we’ve all be waiting for. It’s 240 pages of nail-biting levels of sexual tension and buildup all resulting in a weird metaphor scene like Max churning butter while Violet holds the bucket in place because remember Max is from the Victorian ages so no explicit sex scenes for anyone.

Also, I find it peculiar that this is the first time I’ve really noticed Max’s Jersey Shore-level state of perpetual shirtlessness.

Concerning Michelle’s critique of Max, is anyone even one nerve cell surprised that Michelle gushed over Max’s look this episode saying that’s what she wanted despite the fact that she had white hair, which is close to her usual gray, and instead the real change was the eye makeup?

It’s Bendelacreme all over again. Like remember how Michelle critiqued her saying she was hiding behind a costume and when Dela shows up next episode dressed down she explains, “It’s got nothing to do with your clothes” which indicated she meant Dela’s character not her costume. In this case Michelle kept saying gray hair when she likely meant variety with her makeup (considering hair color monotony’s never been a problem before and Max did bring it in different styles).

And that’s all for this week, join me next week for the results of the John Waters musical challenge with special guest judge: John Waters! (Which I’m so very excited for; I could listen to John Waters talk from now until my final moments on this planet.)