NEW YORK—Regretting the missed opportunity, local Islamophobe Rob Alderson expressed disappointment Monday when the manhunt for the New York City bombing suspect concluded before he even had a chance to indiscriminately vilify the entire Muslim community. “Shit, now that the suspect’s not at large anymore, I can’t really treat every single Muslim like they’re personally responsible for this,” said Alderson, explaining that it would have been nice to have had at least a day or two in which he could condemn anyone who looked remotely Middle Eastern despite possessing no evidence or facts indicating what they personally believed, where they hailed from, or even if they were Muslim in the first place. “It really is a shame that I didn’t even have time to write a long, rambling Facebook post about how Islam breeds hate. If the suspect had been on the lam just a little while longer, I could’ve had a field day directing my hatred at the whole global population of Muslims. Oh well.” Alderson added that, on second thought, he might as well just go ahead and blindly demonize every Muslim after the fact anyway.

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