The House of Healing crew visit the Harvest Moon Faire to unwind, but strange and monstrous things are afoot.

Starring:

Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix

Julian Sark as Magnus

Olivia Jon as Holly

Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey

with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice

Robert Frances as Jerome

Abbas Hussein as Withrow Lee

George Bertwell as King Gunther

Marisa King as Queen Parabel

and special guests!

Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard

Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen

Associate Producers: Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco and Keiko Kanda

Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger

Executive Producer: Dave Addison

Content warning: Danger, animal attacks, violent mobs and day drinking.

INTRODUCTION

ELI Howdy, shwmae, konnichiwa! It’s Eli here with Episode 4 of Alba Salix, Season Two. I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that Sean and I will be in Seattle for PodCon 2 in January. It’s a weekend of live shows, panels and performances for people who love and/or make podcasts. We went to the first one last year, and let me tell you, it was an amazing time getting to meet the people who write and produce and act in our favourite shows. There’s a big audio drama and RPG presence there, and this time around we’re going to have a booth. Come and say hello, get some cool swag, meet fellow fans—it’s going to be an excellent time. PodCon happens this January 19 and 20 in Seattle, Washington. We hope you can join us. For all the details check out podcon.com. And now it is time for Alba Salix, Royal Physician Volume Two, Episode Four. Enjoy.

MUSIC STING

INT. PALACE CHAMBERS—NIGHT

Gunther shuffles past.

GUNTHER Oh! Parabel, you’re still up.

PARABEL Mm hmm.

GUNTHER What are you reading, dear?

PARABEL Oh… just a few books on pre-natal care.

GUNTHER Superfoods For Your Unborn Baby. My… Raising the Magical Child. (chuckles) Are we having “the magical child”?

PARABEL Oh, they’re all magical, aren’t they? I just want to give the baby a good head start in life.

GUNTHER I don’t think we can afford to bring in musicians to play for you around the clock again.

PARABEL Oh no, nothing like that this time. (mutters) Not after little Willemina decided to smash her violin. On her violin teacher.

GUNTHER 101 Spells For Mothers-To-Be. Isn’t it a bit risky to do magic while you’re expecting?

PARABEL Oh, no, these are all minor charms. Completely harmless.

GUNTHER Ah, I see.

PARABEL (mutters) And completely useless.

GUNTHER Well, good night, dearest. Don’t stay up too late.

PARABEL I won’t! Night, darling.

They make kissy-kissy sounds at one another.

As Gunther shuffles to the bedroom, Parabel tosses her book aside.

PARABEL (sighs) Useless. To the Library it is.

OPENING THEME

HERALD By Appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician—Volume Two! Episode the Fourth: Harvest Moon.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING OFFICE—DAY

PEARCEY For the last time, Magnus, you may not play with knives at the reception desk.

MAGNUS I wasn’t playing with it! I was showing it to our patients. They were totally interested!

ALBA They were being polite to the person with the knife.

PEARCEY I think the safety risk is quite evident.

MAGNUS What about my safety? We got held up by bandits last week!

PEARCEY What if you turn your back and a child takes it?

MAGNUS (scoffs) I know three easy ways to disarm an opponent with a knife. (beat) Two of them are non-lethal?

ALBA No knives, Magnus.

Holly skips in, and begins handing out flowers.

HOLLY Happy Harvest Moon, everyone!

PEARCEY What are these?

HOLLY Flower garlands! To wear to the Harvest Moon Faire tonight! You’re all going, right?

Silence.

HOLLY (CONT’D) Aw, come on! There’s going to be drinking and dancing and music and pretty lanterns.

MAGNUS So… can I have my knife back?

ALBA AND PEARCEY No.

HOLLY And costumes and cotton candy, and jugglers and plays…

PEARCEY I’ll have to check my calendar.

ALBA I’ve got another round of resumes to look through for the new hospital we’re setting up in Paradox.

HOLLY Aww. You should give yourselves at least one night off! Balancing life and work is important. Right, Ms Pearcey?

PEARCEY A night off is fine, of course. Whether or not you spend it at the Faire is up to you.

HOLLY Alba’s going to go. Right, Alba?

ALBA I thought you’d have some special fairy ritual to enact for the full moon.

HOLLY That’s not happening this year. I’ve been kind of uninvited. But that means I can spend more time with all of you! What do you say?

ALBA Oh… fine.

MAGNUS Yeah, I guess.

HOLLY Ms Pearcey? C’mon, it’s a perfect chance for us to bond as a team!

PEARCEY Yes… bonding as a… team.

HOLLY Yay! This is going to be the best Harvest Moon ever!

MUSIC STING

INT. PALACE LIBRARY

The sound of a heavy page turning.

JULIA Ooo, jackpot.

AMANDA So, Julia. When you have a moment…

JULIA (still writing) Uh huh?

AMANDA Perhaps all these lovely, priceless tomes could find a better place to live than the checkout desk?

JULIA In a minute. Hey Amanda. I found a chapter in Sarvik’s Historias about Balgomarian Yeti. Check this out.

Julia turns a page.

AMANDA They’re green?

JULIA And only three feet high.

AMANDA Aww!

JULIA It sounds like they’re a matriarchal society.

AMANDA Small green ladies in charge. I’m a fan.

JULIA The best part: The Yetani, as they call themselves, are famous for their gin, made from a rare juniper bush which only grows in the ice caves of the Frozen Sea.

AMANDA I already want some.

JULIA And they mix it with ice wine, birch syrup and vodka to make something called a Green Flame.

AMANDA Wait, Green Flame—does that mean you light it on fire?

JULIA You totally light it on fire.

AMANDA Yes! Do you think the palace kitchens have Yetani gin?

JULIA Not any more! I may have already stopped by the kitchens on my way into work.

Julia pulls out a big bottle and sets it on the desk, followed by a pair of cocktail glasses.

AMANDA Yes! I want mine with extra flame!

Julia sets to work as Parabel enters.

PARABEL You there. Librarians.

AMANDA Oh! Your Majesty. Hi!

JULIA Royal Librarians at your service.

She shakes a cocktail shaker.

PARABEL Are you drinking? On the job?!

AMANDA Uh. Nope! Not yet.

JULIA We are compiling the first comprehensive ethnographic study of the drinking cultures of Farloria and the neighbouring—

PARABEL I don’t know why I asked. I sent a page down yesterday to retrieve a book.

Amanda starts digging through papers.

AMANDA Yes, sorry, your Majesty. So you were after… The Six Books De Rerum Spiritus of Sundvik, Tome 2?

PARABEL That is the one.

JULIA I think that one’s in our Rare Documents collection.

She begins hunting through drawers of index cards.

AMANDA So. Can I get your Majesty a drink? Of water, I mean? Or coffee?

PARABEL I am fine.

AMANDA Cool. Cool cool.

JULIA Okay, I show three copies. One’s at our sister branch in Fair-Upon-Middling. The second one… Does your Majesty read Vayaxan?

PARABEL Excuse me?

JULIA It’s the original edition, written in demonic script.

PARABEL Hmph. And the third copy?

JULIA Yeah, the third one’s a more recent translation. But it’s out on loan since… oh, wow.

AMANDA Who loaned out a book from Rare Documents?

JULIA It says it was checked out by Mr. Krankel.

PARABEL Doctor Krankel.

JULIA That’s the one.

PARABEL He’s been banished from the kingdom.

AMANDA Someone’s going to be owing a lot of late fees!

PARABEL (clears her throat) I require a copy of this book.

JULIA Uh… Demonic script?

PARABEL That I can read.

Jula returns to the counter.

JULIA I’ll put in a request, but it’s going to be about a week and a half.

AMANDA What about secondary sources, Julia?

PARABEL Secondary sources?

Amanda and Julia begin leafing through other big books.

JULIA Yeah, there may be some useful references to it in other books. Try Benneghi’s Compendium?

AMANDA Yup, on it.

JULIA I didn’t realize you were so interested in ancient magic, Your Majesty!

PARABEL Just… curious.

AMANDA Okay, I think I found a reference. It’s by Fractazius?

JULIA Oh, right! Good old Fractazius the Dark.

Julia vanishes into the stacks to search.

AMANDA See, Fractazius apparently wrote a play based on The Books De Rerum Spiritus.

PARABEL A play? What use is that?

JULIA The Ambassador of Doom. It’s said to actually contain key passages from the Books.

PARABEL I see…

AMANDA Ooo, it looks like it was even banned once, back in King Lothar’s time.

Julia returns, flipping through a small book.

JULIA I’m guessing that was after the disaster at the Grandville Opry.

AMANDA Oh, when it burned down?

JULIA Well, supposedly the fire was just a cover-up for what really happened.

AMANDA Uh-oh!

JULIA On opening night, the lead actress suddenly transformed into a demonic beast of unparalleled power that killed dozens before being subdued by the town guard!

AMANDA Whoa.

PARABEL Unparalleled power, you say?

JULIA She leapt into the front row and devoured the patrons’ faces.

AMANDA Nooo!

PARABEL I will have this play.

AMANDA See, this is why no one likes audience participation.

JULIA I know, right? Hmm. There’s no publishing date, but I think this might be the first printing?

PARABEL Yes. I will have it now, please.

JULIA Oh. Sure. Was there anything else, your Majesty…?

Parabel is already striding out in a huff.

PARABEL Unbelievable.

AMANDA Cranky.

JULIA I wonder why she wanted that book, anyway?

AMANDA Eh, royalty. Who knows why they do anything?

JULIA So, drinks?

AMANDA Hell yes!

Julia pours out the drinks and strikes a match. There’s a little whoomph of flame.

JULIA Ohh, even the flames are green.

AMANDA Nice!

They clink glasses.

AMANDA AND JULIA Cheers!

MUSIC STING

INT. PEARCEY’S BEDROOM

LORIA Someone’s all gwumpy pants.

PEARCEY I am not grumpy.

LORIA No, you’re gwumpy pants. That’s worse.

PEARCEY We could just stay in… Have a nice dinner and a relaxing bath?

LORIA We can do that any old night. It’s our anniversary!

PEARCEY Which anniversary?

LORIA Of the night we first met!

PEARCEY We met at an office party the night of the Harvest Moon Faire.

LORIA Exactly!

PEARCEY The Harvest Moon is on a different date every year.

LORIA It’s not the date. It’s the occasion, silly. Let’s go dance and watch fireworks and eat fried pumpkin on a stick. C’mon, gwumpy pants.

PEARCEY I am not gwumpy pants.

LORIA Can you say that again with a little bit more of a pout?

PEARCEY I just… What if one of those miserable wizards from the OSG sees us together?

LORIA Tally. Who cares what they think?

PEARCEY We’re fighting to get them to abide by proper workplace guidelines… and here I am, seeing you.

LORIA And?

PEARCEY I’m your superior.

LORIA (snickers) Debatable.

PEARCEY Rude. You know what I mean. I don’t want to set a bad example.

LORIA You do realize this is the one night of the year you don’t have to worry about being recognized.

PEARCEY What do you mean?

Loria opens her purse.

LORIA There’s this little thing called a masquerade.

PEARCEY That’s true. But where are we going to get…

She comes to a halt as Loria holds up a pair of masks.

LORIA (proudly) Ah?

PEARCEY …masks. Why do you have all these masquerade masks?

LORIA “Thank you, Loria! They’re so beautiful! You’re a genius.”

PEARCEY They are… quite pretty.

LORIA Yeah, they are. Here, I picked this one for you.

Pearcey tries it on.

PEARCEY I’ve never worn one of these before.

LORIA Oh, that looks super adorable! Yes, a thousand times yes.

PEARCEY All right. What about you?

LORIA Well… I like this lacey blue one but there’s also this silvery one with the little ears… What do you think?

PEARCEY (entranced) That one.

LORIA The blue?

PEARCEY I think you should definitely wear that one.

LORIA Done. (beat) What?

PEARCEY (coy) Do we really have to go out tonight?

LORIA Come on, you, let’s get dressed.

MUSIC STING

EXT. FAIRGROUND STALL, EARLY EVENING

A bustling crowd in high spirits. Drummers perform nearby.

WITHROW Duviar nectar! Fresh-squeezed duviar nectar!

FAIRE-GOER (quite drunk) Say, I’ll have one of those!

Withrow pours a cupful of juice from a keg.

WITHROW You betcha. That’ll be sixpence.

FAIRE-GOER Okay. Whoa, that’s a lot.

WITHROW Fresh duviar fruit’s hard to come by in these parts, but it’s the most healthful drink you’ll drink all night, my friend.

FAIRE-GOER (chuckles) Well, you’re not wrong about that.

Coins jingle.

WITHROW Have a great Faire! (to the next customer) Good evening, friend. Can I get you a nice cup of duviar nectar?

MAGNUS (disguising his voice) What’s in it?

Withrow starts pouring another cup.

WITHROW Only one hundred percent fresh-squeezed duviar fruit, direct from the Pointy Lands. An excellent source of duviatic acid, which has been shown to aid in pancreatic function. And a happy pancreas makes for a happy stomach. That’ll be sixpence, my friend.

Magnus pulls back his hood.

MAGNUS (back to his normal voice) Oh no. You’re busted, sucker!

WITHROW Busted—what? Why?

MAGNUS House of Healing Hygiene Enforcement Squad! Withrow Lee, you are charged with selling drinks without a license.

WITHROW Uh, it’s right here. Say, aren’t you that kid that works for Alba? Mathias…

MAGNUS Magnus. And I’m eighteen, by the way, and certified by the Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health, by the way.

WITHROW Certified to do what?

MAGNUS Certified to take you downtown, buddy. All right, fine, your so-called license looks legit. But what about this health drink of yours?

WITHROW Duviatic acid’s a real thing. Ask Alba! There’s even evidence it may boost the immune system, but I don’t tell my customers that because there’s only been the one study so far.

MAGNUS Well, aren’t you a paragon of scientific rigour.

WITHROW Darn tootin’. If I lie, Alba will wire my mouth shut.

MAGNUS Hmph. Do you reuse these cups?

WITHROW Sterilized after every use with a Purissimus spell.

MAGNUS Dangit. Fine. But how do we know this fruit isn’t contaminated with deadly… fig fungus?

WITHROW (dubious) Fig fungus?

MAGNUS It’s spreading all over the Pointy Lands. One little spore can paralyze you from head to toe.

WITHROW Look, can I get on with selling my wares now?

MAGNUS Go ahead. But I’ll be watching you, buddy.

WITHROW Knock yourself out. (raises his voice again) Duviar nectar! Sixpence a glass!

MUSIC STING

EXT. MARKET SQUARE STAGE

A boisterous crowd watches a player on a stage.

PLAYER And these two souls once so in love Do murder one another for the sake Of money, greed and power, you shall see Next Friday ‘pon this stage, at half past eight!

A smattering of applause. Holly flutters through the crowd.

HOLLY Alba!

ALBA Down here.

FAIRE-GOER Hey, watch the wings!

HOLLY Sorry! (to Alba) Did I miss the previews?

ALBA Yes, he just finished. Why do they always have to give away the entire story?

PLAYER And now, my friends, be much afeared! Our main event at last is here: The Tragic History of Baron Bolgu… brought to you by the Guild of Knife Sharpeners.

Applause. Two more actors take the stage: the gruff Cook and the young Master Martin.

COOK Ho there, good Master Martin!

MARTIN Ho there, cook! Have you the evening repast prepared?

COOK ‘Tis under way, ’tis under way.

MARTIN You must work fast! The repast is well past time.

COOK I blame these blasted blades.

MARTIN Ay, these are in a truly ‘trocious state, good cook. No good to chop a chop, these.

COOK Such a dull tool could scarce split the wind from an old nun’s backside. Speaking of dull tools, how fares our lord the Count?

Laughter. The play continues under Alba and Holly’s dialogue.

ALBA Looks like there’s going to be a murder.

HOLLY Oh no! How can you tell?

ALBA They’re doing an ad for the Knife-Sharpeners’ Guild. They always sponsor the true crime ones.

HOLLY Oh, you’re right! I’d never noticed that.

ALBA At least it’s better than the love stories, where they’re all ads for mattresses.

HOLLY I don’t know if I want to see a murdery play.

MARTIN The Count is in a rare mood.

COOK How rare? Bloody?

MARTIN A bloody rare mood indeed! He rants on his hunger and he rails on his thirst.

JEROME Oh! Hey! Alba, is that you?

ALBA Dammit.

HOLLY Hello, Jerome!

JEROME Holly! Nice to see you too. Mind if I sit here?

ALBA (under her breath) Well, so much for enjoying the show.

COOK The Count did dine but an hour ago. Let him rant and rail and perhaps he shall shout himself hoarse.

MARTIN Or myself deaf.

COOK And bring you peace, either way.

MARTIN I sooner would keep my ears. The Count must have food!

COOK Then quick, hie you to the sharpener’s shop, and he’ll shortly shave and shape these shivs sharp as shark’s teeth.

MARTIN I surely shall!

COOK Mind you, good Master Martin, forget not your purse, lest you return transfixed with our best blade ‘twixt your ribs, for ’tis never sharp to short the sharpener.

Laughter and applause. In the background, another actor takes the stage: the Baron, giving his opening soliloquy.

JEROME Did I miss anything?

HOLLY Alba says there’s going to be a murder.

JEROME Really? How can you tell?

ALBA Oh, I just have this feeling.

JEROME That reminds me. I’ve been having a feeling too, kind of an itching. I tried that salve you ladies gave me the other week, but it’s been getting worse all day.

ALBA How about we watch the first act?

JEROME Okay, I can wait!

HOLLY (whispers) Alba…!

ALBA (whispers) What?

HOLLY It’s going to be dark soon. Don’t you think we should, you know, get Jerome to somewhere safer?

ALBA We just got here.

HOLLY The moon’s going to rise, and then… you know.

ALBA I know.

HOLLY Maybe we should tell him that he’s a—

ALBA He does not need another excuse to pester me for more cures. Besides, he’s perfectly nice when he’s… affected.

HOLLY You mean when he’s a werewolf.

ALBA Not so loud! Just the first act, that’s all I ask. We can go at intermission.

HOLLY But—

ALBA Intermission. Now hush.

BARON Ho, who’s there? My ears yet ring. Methought I heard a voice from in the hearth.

DEMON (hisses) Hail and well met!

BARON What! Who art thou, fiend?

JEROME Oh, look! Isn’t that the guy who played Count Bozannio last spring?

HOLLY I missed that show. Ooo, I love his outfit!

ALBA Can you both be quiet for one single minute?

MUSIC STING

EXT. FAIRGROUNDS—DUSK

Loria and Pearcey approach a lively crowd of revelers dancing to a band of musicians.

LORIA What about the Gryphon and Bucket?

PEARCEY That wasn’t our first date. You tricked me.

LORIA It still counts.

PEARCEY You said it was a departmental planning session.

LORIA It worked. I seem to remember it worked about five more times after that?

PEARCEY (laughs) Maybe. But no. Our first official, mutually-agreed-upon date was May 12.

LORIA Remind me?

PEARCEY 7pm. Closer to 7:15.

LORIA I believe you. What happened?

PEARCEY Dinner. Dancing. Ice cream.

LORIA (mischievous) Ohh, the ice cream, yes… Wow. So that’s your idea of a first date?

PEARCEY Well…!

LORIA Damn, you’re pretty forward, aren’t you?

PEARCEY Minx.

LORIA Hussy.

They laugh. Holly flutters past overhead.

HOLLY Oh, hi! Loria, is that you?

LORIA Yes?

PEARCEY (under her breath) Oh, no.

HOLLY Hi! It’s me! Holly? From the House of Healing?

LORIA Of course! How are you?

HOLLY I’m good! Gosh, what a pretty mask! I almost didn’t recognize you. Who’s your friend?

PEARCEY (disguising her voice) Uh… I’m Tally.

HOLLY Hi Tally! You both look super cute.

PEARCEY Thanks.

LORIA So. You having a good Faire?

HOLLY It’s so neat! All the candy and ribbons… Oh, but I almost forgot. Have you seen a dog running around?

LORIA What kind of dog?

HOLLY About this big, kind of unusual-looking? He’s got a short muzzle, strangely wide at the shoulders… His name’s Toby.

LORIA I haven’t seen anything bigger than a beagle.

PEARCEY Yeah, me neither.

LORIA Sorry, Holly. We’ll keep an eye out!

HOLLY Thanks! Nice seeing you!

She takes off again.

HOLLY (CONT’D) Toby! C’mere buddy! Toby!

PEARCEY That was a close one. Do you think she suspected?

LORIA Oh, for heaven’s sake.

PEARCEY I’m serious.

LORIA Are you going to let that ruin your night? You are, aren’t you.

PEARCEY I knew this was a bad idea.

LORIA Look. If it’s going to be like this every time we go out together… I think you’d better let me go.

PEARCEY Let you…?

LORIA You’ve basically replaced me with that talking rock.

PEARCEY Leon isn’t a replacement. A rock can’t do filing or run errands.

LORIA Well, I’m glad I can provide such valuable assistance.

PEARCEY That’s not what I mean.

LORIA This secret office romance bit has been exciting and everything, but I think we’d better call it off.

PEARCEY (devastated) Loria…

A moment.

LORIA (realizes) The office part, you goof, not the romance.

PEARCEY Oh, thank the gods.

LORIA I bet I can get a transfer to the Planning Office. I’d be two floors up. Keep an eye on His Majesty’s latest crazy ideas. Tally, I’m not leaving you.

PEARCEY Just your job?

LORIA Just my job. Why do you think I took it in the first place?

PEARCEY What, to be near me? (laughs)

LORIA What can I say? I’m very goal-driven in my career. Come here.

They kiss.

PEARCEY So if we’re not working together, what are we going to do for excitement?

LORIA Mmm. We’ll have to think of something.

PEARCEY Well… come dance with me. Let’s see if it sparks any ideas.

EXT. FAIRGROUND STALL

It’s quieter here, though the crowd is still lively. Crickets can be heard further off.

Withrow counts out some coins for a customer.

WITHROW And that’s seven, eight, nine is one shilling, plus five more is your change.

CUSTOMER Thank you!

WITHROW You have yourself a great evening, my friend.

MAGNUS You keep giving them the right change.

WITHROW I keep telling you, there is no scam.

MAGNUS Yeah, right.

WITHROW Duviar nectar! Fresh from the Pointy Lands!

MAGNUS The way Alba tells it, you’re always up to something.

WITHROW Get your fresh squeezed duviar nectar!

In the distance, there’s an unearthly howl, and screams of panic.

MAGNUS So, like… What was your favourite?

WITHROW Favourite what?

MAGNUS Your favourite hustle. Your favourite scheme.

WITHROW (whispers) Will you stop it? I’m not hustling anyone!

MAGNUS You can tell me. I used to be an outlaw myself. C’mon. Even just a straight-up con with no magic.

WITHROW Hey there, Miss! Would you care for a refreshing cup of… (no luck—he sighs) Kid, you’re scaring away my customers.

MAGNUS Tell me about one con and I’ll leave you alone.

WITHROW I don’t want to talk about this.

MAGNUS (loudly) What’s that? Duviar fruit can carry deadly fig fungus?

Gasps from the crowd.

WITHROW (whispers) Kid, for Kroth’s sake.

MAGNUS I hear one bite of a contaminated fruit will stop your heart!

Howling and barking and screams of panic, growing louder and closer.

WITHROW All right. All right. Okay. When Alba and I were at Hazelbrooke, we used to go to this cafe near the campus called the Crotchety Crow. And every day—

Alba rushes up.

ALBA (winded) Magnus! There you are.

MAGNUS No I’m not!

ALBA What?

MAGNUS I was just helping Withrow! Is that so wrong?

WITHROW Hi Alba.

ALBA Withrow.

WITHROW It’s so good to see you.

ALBA Yup. Magnus, I need your help. Toby’s on the loose.

MAGNUS Whoa, really? As in Jerome Toby?

ALBA Yes. We have to find him. Holly’s trying to spot him from the air.

WITHROW Who’s Toby?

ALBA He’s a… stray dog.

WITHROW You mean a werewolf?

ALBA What gave you that idea?

WITHROW Oh, full moon, howling and screaming in the distance…

MAGNUS Oh yeah, look, there’s a full moon tonight. What are the odds?

ALBA Why do you think they’re having a festival?

Holly zooms past.

HOLLY (shouting from the air) I see him! Alba, he’s coming this way! I think he’s following your scent.

ALBA Oh, let’s hope so.

The screams get closer. Then Jerome appears, panting and woofing happily.

JEROME Woof woof rarf woof!

ALBA Toby! Come here, boy.

Jerome launches himself at her and knocks her to the ground.

ALBA (CONT’D) Oof! Okay, that’s enough. No kisses.

HOLLY Yay!

MAGNUS Does anybody have a collar?

HOLLY We should be fine. He’ll follow Alba just about anywhere as long as he doesn’t get distracted.

ALBA All right, Toby. Off. Cut it out.

She pushes him off.

WITHROW Alba? Do you want a hand?

ALBA I’m fine.

WITHROW Come on, let me help you up.

Jerome abruptly stops panting. Deadly silence. He lets out a deep, throaty growl.

ALBA (quietly) Withrow, stop. Back away, please. He can be a bit jealous—

WITHROW He’s wagging his tail! What’s up, buddy? Why don’t you move over and let Alba…

Jerome lunges, snarling like a demon.

WITHROW Aagh! Whoa! Buddy! Nice werewolf!

HOLLY Toby!

Withrow scrambles back, then runs off, screaming and pursued by a werewolf. Alba and Holly give chase, their voices all fading into the crowd.

ALBA Withrow! I told you to back away!

WITHROW Help!

HOLLY Toby, it’s all right!

MAGNUS So I’ll just look after the stall, okay? Okay! Duviar nectar! Three pennies a glass!

EXT. FAIRGROUND MUSIC STAGE

The band finishes their song, and Pearcey and Loria emerge from the dancing crowd, laughing.

PEARCEY I think I need a drink after that!

LORIA Glad you came to the Faire?

PEARCEY Yes, yes.

The dancing fairgoers suddenly erupt in panic as Jerome chases Withrow through their midst. Shouts of “Look out!” and “Mad dog!”

JEROME (barking viciously)

WITHROW (screaming) Help! Somebody!

PEARCEY Loria, look out!

LORIA Whoa!

WITHROW Aaaaa!

Withrow and Jerome barrel past. People scatter. The band stumbles to a halt.

PEARCEY Are you all right?

LORIA Yeah. Looks like they found their lost dog.

The crowd is in chaos. Holly shouts from overhead.

HOLLY It’s okay! He won’t hurt you. Toby, over here!

WITHROW Look out, everybody! It’s a werewolf!

Gasps from the crowd.

HOLLY Oh, thanks, Withrow, that was really helpful!

LORIA That was a werewolf?

PEARCEY (sighs) I’m going to have to write this up.

LORIA Wow.

Cut to the midst of the crowd.

JEROME (growls)

HOLLY Everybody stay back! Withrow, you can move away slowly. Withrow?

SMALL CHILD Puppy!

BUDDY (A FAIRE-GOER) Someone needs to deal with that dog!

HOLLY We are dealing with him!

BIFF (ANOTHER FAIRE-GOER) It’s not a dog, it’s a werewolf. I got this.

Biff steps out of the crowd and draws a sword. Cheers.

BUDDY Yeah, you get him, Biff!

HOLLY Albaaa! Where are you?!

The crowd begins to close in, some pulling out makeshift weapons. Shouts of “Fight! Fight!”

JEROME (growls louder)

BIFF Everybody, keep steady. We got him cornered. I’m gonna put this dog down.

He takes a fancy swing with his sword. Loria steps in front of him.

LORIA Uh-uh. No you don’t!

HOLLY What she said!

BIFF Get out of the way.

PEARCEY Stop! Weapons down, all of you.

BIFF Move it, ladies. I don’t want to have to hurt you.

LORIA You back off, buddy!

PEARCEY Are you threatening a Minister of the Crown, sir?

BIFF (laughs) What, you?

Pearcey takes off her mask.

PEARCEY Yes. Antalia Pearcey, Minister of Magical Affairs and Health.

BIFF Oooo!

HOLLY Oh my gosh! Hi, Ms Pearcey!

PEARCEY Yes, hello Holly.

BIFF Well, la di da.

PEARCEY Sir, put your sword away.

BIFF If you’re Minister of Magical whatever, why aren’t you dealing with this animal?

PEARCEY The situation is under control. (whispers to Holly) It is under control, isn’t it?

HOLLY (whispers) Totally! Alba’s on her way.

PEARCEY She’d better be. (aloud) One of our specialists will be here at any moment.

BUDDY That monster could hurt people!

HOLLY He is people! He’s a person, like you and me. Even if he does steal the occasional sandwich and pee on things he shouldn’t. He’s never hurt anyone!

BIFF Clear off, fairy.

He shoves her aside.

HOLLY Ow! Hey!

BIFF C’mon, little wolfy.

PEARCEY Sir, I won’t ask you again. Put the sword away.

BIFF This thing could kill everybody. It’s a monster.

HOLLY He’s not a monster.

Holly’s wings start to buzz angrily. Wind howls. The crowd starts to back away.

BIFF Says you. (then) What the hell are you?

HOLLY I’m the Queen of the Wind, buster!

BIFF (shaken) Well, why don’t you blow awaaaay—aaaaaa!

Biff’s voice is distorted as he’s sucked into a whirlwind. His sword goes flying as the wind carries him off.

HOLLY (straining) There. Anybody else?

BUDDY Nope, I think I’m good.

The crowd mutters uncertainly. The wind dies down and Holly’s wings buzz to a stop.

Alba runs up.

ALBA Get out of the way. Toby!

PEARCEY Ms Salix. Thank heavens.

JEROME (pants happily)

ALBA Good boy. Come here. Is everything all right? Holly?

HOLLY (giddy from exhaustion) Hi Alba! I, um… there was a guy with a sword and I… kind of stopped him.

She falls over.

ALBA Holly?

JEROME Woof!

PEARCEY As you were. Thank you, everyone. Please, go back to enjoying the Faire.

LORIA The Minister commands you to go have fun.

The crowd reluctantly disperses. The band gets back to playing.

PEARCEY Ms Salix? Did you know about this individual’s condition? Is he a patient of yours?

ALBA What’s that, Toby? Time for a walk?

JEROME (excited) Whuff!

PEARCEY Ms Salix!

ALBA Sorry, it’s so loud here! Let’s talk some other time! Come on, Holly.

HOLLY (still giddy) I’m okay!

Alba, Holly and Jerome rush off.

LORIA Well? How’s that for excitement?

PEARCEY His Majesty owes me a raise.

LORIA Mmm hmm. Dinner?

PEARCEY Yes, please.

MUSIC STING

EXT. HILLTOP, AFTER MIDNIGHT

Crickets. The party can be heard faintly in the distance. Withrow speaks in hushed whispers with a woman.

PARABEL There you are.

WITHROW Sorry I’m late. There was a… situation.

PARABEL The moon is almost at its zenith. Did you bring the device?

WITHROW Um… as I said, there was a tiny bit of an incident and… somebody stole it.

PARABEL What?!

WITHROW I got chased around. There was a whole thing, with a werewolf…

PARABEL Why weren’t you keeping out of sight tonight?

WITHROW Hey, a guy’s gotta make a living somehow.

PARABEL Did you see who took it?

WITHROW No. I must have dropped it when I was being chased.

PARABEL You fool. I should have known better than to hire you.

WITHROW Well, you wanted to summon a demon.

PARABEL Can the ritual be done without the device?

WITHROW It’s dangerous. I wouldn’t want to try—

MAGNUS Why… hello.

PARABEL (gasps)

WITHROW (startled) Magnus! What the…

MAGNUS Hey, Withrow. How’s it going?

WITHROW What are you doing here?

A rustle of grass as Magnus steps forward.

MAGNUS Just getting some fresh air. Anyway, Withrow, dude, while you were running for your life, I noticed you dropped a little something on the ground.

WITHROW Do you have it?

MAGNUS Say, who’s your scary friend?

PARABEL (disguising her voice) None of your business, boy.

MAGNUS Fair enough. Nice cloak. Anyway, so here’s this little doodad…

He pulls it out of his pocket.

WITHROW Thanks, kid. You’re saving my—

MAGNUS Uh-uh-uh. Not so fast.

PARABEL Be careful with that!

MAGNUS Now, my best guess is, this is some kind of deflector? Like, for detecting and dispelling magical barriers? As you would if, you know, you were summoning a demon from another plane?

PARABEL Just hand it over.

MAGNUS I’ve been reading up, man. I know things.

PARABEL If you two are quite finished…

MAGNUS Do I know you from somewhere?

PARABEL No.

She takes a step back. Magnus follows.

MAGNUS I totally do.

PARABEL Stay away from me.

WITHROW C’mon, never mind her. Give me the—

MAGNUS Ha!

Magnus lunges forward and knocks Parabel’s hood back.

WITHROW Magnus—

MAGNUS (in disbelief) Whoaaaa! It’s—you’re—

PARABEL Yes. I am.

MAGNUS You’re the Queen. You’re the actual mothergoosing Queen! What the heck is going on?

PARABEL You will address me properly.

MAGNUS Right. Right. Your Majesty, whatever. Sorry. What are you two up to?

PARABEL Right now, we are about to deal with a stupid boy who has found out too much. Mister Lee. Kill him.

MAGNUS Ho ho! I’d like to see you try. Ha! Hoo!

He strikes a pose, then carries out a flurry of unarmed moves.

WITHROW Look, kid. I don’t want to do this. I really, really don’t want to do this, but…

MAGNUS Yeah?

WITHROW Obliviscere!

A violent surge of magic.

MAGNUS Aw, dude, that spell was sweet! Alba never… shows me anything… cool… (gasps)

He falls to the ground.

MUSIC STING

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION

Jerome wanders in from the back, barefoot.

JEROME Ugh. Where am I?

ALBA Good morning, Jerome.

JEROME Oh! Morning, Alba! Hi Holly.

HOLLY You should get some rest, Jerome. You had a busy night last night.

JEROME I did? What was last night?

HOLLY The Harvest Moon Faire?

JEROME It was? How come I don’t remember it? Darn it, I was looking forward to it. I always seem to miss it for some reason…

ALBA Jerome, we have some important news to tell you.

JEROME Okay?

HOLLY The first thing is, you should read this brochure I made!

JEROME “Were It’s At”. Is that spelled right?

HOLLY Read it! Read it!

JEROME “Were It’s At. A guide for new and newly-discovered—” (gasps) Is this for real? I’m a…?

ALBA I’m afraid so.

JEROME This explains so much…

The front door opens and Magnus wanders in.

MAGNUS Hey guys.

HOLLY Hey Magnus! Did you have fun at the Faire last night?

MAGNUS The Faire? Like, the Harvest Moon Faire?

HOLLY Yes!

MAGNUS …was last night?

HOLLY Yes!

MAGNUS You sure?

HOLLY Pretty sure! Jerome turned into a werewolf and everything.

MAGNUS Aw man. That would have been cool to see. How come I don’t remember any of it?

JEROME I don’t remember anything either. Magnus! Are you a werewolf?

MAGNUS Am I…? Maybe!

JEROME Here, read this list of symptoms.

ALBA Magnus is not a werewolf.

MAGNUS Yeah? You don’t know.

ALBA Catch.

She tosses him a small bottle, which he catches.

MAGNUS What’s this?

ALBA A bottle made of silver.

JEROME (growls)

ALBA You’re not a werewolf, Magnus.

MAGNUS Aww! But… last night—

ALBA It was the Harvest Moon. Half the town can’t remember what they did last night.

MAGNUS Well, I’m sure I did something awesome. Dangit. That would be so cool. Hey, Jerome, do you think you could…?

JEROME Huh?

MAGNUS You know, just a little bite. Here. Right on the arm.

JEROME You want me to bite you?

ALBA No. Jerome, no biting. Magnus, get to work.

MAGNUS You never let me have any fun.

CREDITS

CLOSING THEME

ELI In “Harvest Moon”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Four, you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey, with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice, Robert Frances as Jerome, Abbas Hussein as Withrow Lee, George Bertwell as King Gunther and Marisa King as Queen Parabel. and special guests: Royal Librarians Amanda McLoughlin and Julia Schifini, hosts of of the podcast Spirits; the prologue was read by Chris Luckhardt; the Cook and young Master Martin were Alan Burgon and Julia C. Thorne of The Amelia Project from Imploding Fictions; and Biff was played by James Oliva, heard on countless shows and creator of What’s The Frequency. Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard. Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Associate producers: Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco and Keiko Kanda. Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger. Executive Producer: Dave Addison.

TAG: HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION

MAGNUS (whispers) Quick. Alba’s not looking.

JEROME I dunno about this.

ALBA Magnus.

MAGNUS It’s for science!

OUTRO