KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,” said the 91-year-old grandmother of bride Kaleigh Price, recounting the couple’s hackneyed vows, the bride’s bouquet of “wilted as shit” white chrysanthemums, and the “mush-mouth” officiant with “no goddamn” public speaking skills. “Christ, don’t get me started on the God-fucking-awful reception. For their first dance, they started out doing a slow dance to ‘At Last’ before throwing on sunglasses and going into a humiliating choreographed routine to some pop song from the 90s, like that crap has never been done before. And they had a stupid-ass cupcake tower instead of a real cake. I should’ve known to just kick the bucket after that piss-poor excuse of an engagement party they had last year.” Ingle confirmed that there was no way in hell she was going to endure more suffering just to see what kind of dipshit baby her granddaughter squirted out in a few years.

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