• 20 minutes Its been twenty whole minutes since your last ever smoke. You begin to panic throw away whatever tobacco is left in the house. You peer through your closed blinds, wondering what will become of the world now that you’ve given up. Maybe you should have waited till Monday. Monday is always better when giving up stuff.

• 8 hours Your mind starts to play tricks on you and suggests to look in the ashtray for fag-butts. Then you realise, you have no rizla papers anyway, and try your best to get that thought out of your mind. You buy chewing gums, but realise too late that they’re cherry flavoured. Who the fuck likes cherry flavoured sweets?

• 12 hours By this stage you have already bitten the head of every loved one you know. They are getting quite worried about your behaviour and beg you to just smoke a cigarette – for peace sake. Smoker friends will have no sympathy, and will relish in blowing smoke into your face while saying ‘lovely fags’.

• 24 hours By now you have almost fooled yourself into thinking you’re off nicotine for good. You become delusional and repeat phrases like ‘Im grand’, ‘I don’t even feel like one now’ and ‘The thoughts of smoking now makes me sick’.

• 48 hours On your second day off the smokes you begin to think you are already healthy. You immediately sign up for the gym and you recklessly decide to tell the world via social media sites that you are off smoking for good. Your friends laugh it off, but leave heartfelt supportive comments anyway, knowing you’ll be probably back on them in a week.

• 72 hours Your entire body will test 100% nicotine-free and the pangs for smoking are at their highest. You stupidly decide to refrain from drinking, knowing that you are not strong enough to remain smoke free while drunk. Everywhere you turn there is someone smoking. The smell is like baked bread in a bakery and you kick yourself for committing. The only thing making you continue this nightmare is the fact you already told the whole world you’re quitting. No turning back now asshole!

• 5 – 8 days You once again become cocky, telling everybody how long you’re off the cigarettes for – down to the fucking second. You become to hate dinner time as you fear the emptiness afterwards. What do normal people do? -you ask yourself. You realise you unwittingly took up origami, tearing everything paper into tiny bits post meal. Your friends hate you and whisper behind your back, ststing that they liked you better when you were cool and smoking. They now have 50 euro bets on with each other, to see when you fail.

• 10 days After ten days you think you’re a fucking hero. Making sure to tell absolutely everybody how you have changed your whole life around. Non-smokers start to resent you at this stage, even forcing some to take up the habit. You are incredibly annoying right now and deserve a good kick up the hole.

• 10 days to 2 weeks This is the make or break period where you will either give in to temptation or continue being the miserable smoker you have always been. Friends and family have already forgotten about you quitting, so its easy now to shnake back onto them. “At least I gave it a try” you’ll tell yourself as you walk up to the shop keeper with €10 for fags. Then like some kind of divine intervention, you stop and think about all that hard work. You continue on your quest, ya great big legend you!

• 2 to 4 weeks Its almost a month now without smoking and you begin coughing up large chunks of phlegm from your chest. It feels good tho. This is like the physical act of ridding your body of fags. You Instagram your lung snot to prove a point. You begin to smell other peoples farts and body odours again. Seeing smokers now disgusts you and you begin your preachy phase – giving out to every smoker you know. You’re like every bad-boy turned good in Home and Away.

• 2 months Feeling brave, you decide to go back on the drink. Big mistake! You realise smoking cancels out the effects of alcohol quiet quickly, and blank out for most of the night. You wake up to numerous tagged photos on facebook of you smoking 10 fags at once. The guilt haunts you for the rest of the day until one of your friends admits photoshopping the cigarettes into your mouth. You de-friend him, but are happy you didn’t smoke.

• 3 months Dreaming about smoking and waking up guilty is now a regular occurrence. This makes you stronger and more determined. You don’t even think about it anymore, but the post dinner thing has now been replaced with eating something sweet. In fact, you realise you have put on four stone. You eventually start using that gym membership you got three months ago but never used.

• 3 months and 3 days You pull a calf muscle and never return to the gym again.

• 4 months A friend offers you a joint at a house party and you refuse, telling them you don’t smoke tobacco anymore. Your friend introduces you to his bong and you cry uncontrollably, thanking him for showing you the light.

• 9 months As an chronic weed smoker for 5 months, you lose your job and begin following conspiracy websites. Jim Corr is now your friend on facebook and exposing chemtrails has become your main goal in life. Your friend who introduced you to smoking pure cannabis has long gone, with your now ex-girlfriend. They sometimes pass you on the street, sniggering at your lard arse.

• 1 year After being arrested by the DS and given a three year suspended sentence for dealing weed. You decide to kick the habit and get your life back together. A woman rings you telling you that she’s pregnant, but you tell her she has the wrong number and you smash up your phone. You gloat on facebook that you have been nicotine free for a year now. You get two likes and a ‘fuck you prick’ from your local priest.

• 5 years You now run your own Marketing firm and have just signed a multi-million euro contract with Old Spice. Things couldn’t be better. Smoking is the last thing on your mind.