Ladies with a little extra up on top, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

When I was in college, making and selling custom chain mail was a trend, and a friend mentioned that he had received his first commission for a chain mail bikini. The next time I saw him, I asked how it had worked out.

“Awful,” he said. “I’m starting over from scratch with a new design. The first one just fell apart when she put it on.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I guess I never really thought of a bra as a weight-bearing device,” he said.

Which struck me as hilarious at the time. Why else would a woman subject herself to a bra, if not to help her carry that burden? But apparently, this is all news to the people who design bikini tops, because I tried a number of them on today, and they all failed at their basic function. Listen, you can’t just take a small bikini and double the size and call it a large bikini. A bikini top is a weight bearing device for anyone larger than a B-cup. Here’s the rundown, in case you don’t have enormous breasts and never considered the structural engineering problem:

The band: This is the foundation of the garment. If the band is too loose, everything falls out the bottom. Design fail. Possible obscenity charges. The cups: They need to be shaped roughly like a woman’s chest. Merely enlarging a small pattern results in uncomfortable and unflattering squishing, lack of support, potential nip slip, and possible obscenity charges The straps: Do not make extra-large bikinis with halter straps. Just don’t. Because a bikini top is a weight bearing device, and a human neck is not a sufficient anchor.

So it looks like I’m just going to have to wear a T-shirt over the the bikini top I already own. Because while I personally feel I should have the right to go topless whenever the mood strikes, for my own comfort, I don’t have the financial means to fight an obscenity charge. If ever someone cares to fairly compensate me for my creative endeavors, I hope to have all my weight-bearing garments bespoke. And my jeans, too. I don’t think there’s anything too outrageous about my shape, but it’s not one that anybody is designing clothes for right now. Women’s clothes are a joke. And not a funny one.