A grave danger that the spineless mainstream media never talks about

I read with much joy and relief that the BJP’s youth wing is planning to bring out a special book on the biggest problem facing the nation today: urban Naxalism. It will be released in March 2019, just before the elections, so that it can be marketed as an election issue.

In fact, one of the 56 things I love about our government is that, despite its many alleged failures, it has never wavered in its avowed mission to wipe out urban Naxals. And full marks to it for taking on these pesky termites, for these creatures have single-handedly destroyed the rupee, poisoned our banks with NPAs, and transformed petrol and diesel into investment options.

Smart investments

In fact, my good friend Mr. Egambaram did perhaps the smartest thing anyone has done in the history of India. Four years ago, he sold his 1-BHK in Kottivakkam and invested 50% of the proceeds in a FOFU ETF. For the benefit of all the losers who don’t know what that is, a FOFU ETF is a Fossil Fuel Exchange Traded Fund, which began trading in the BSE and NSE in May 2014. The remaining 50% he invested in U.S. dollars.

Last month, Mr. Egambaram sold 5.6% of his FOFU ETF units and used the cash to buy a 4-BHK duplex in Cuffe Parade. His only worry is that the fuel prices shouldn’t come down before the elections next year, as he has his sights set on a property in central London, within walking distance of the Saravana Bhavan in Leicester Square.

Sadly, most Indians are not super-smart like Mr. Egambaram. They will vote again and again for Santa Claus, because what is life without the delusion that a man with a white beard will bring you goodies? It therefore becomes the bounden responsibility of the more enlightened souls, such as the readers of this column, to educate the less enlightened ones about the enemies of the nation. While urban Naxals do pose one of the gravest dangers to India’s happiness, there actually exists a force that is 56 times more evil, more powerful and more deceitful than urban Naxals.

Veggie operatives

The fact that the sold out, spineless mainstream media never talks about them, that even government officials shudder at the mention of their name, and that most of us see them every single day without the mildest suspicion is a testament to how deeply they have embedded themselves in India’s civic, social and cultural psyche. If you still can’t guess what I am talking about, you just proved my point. So, let me go out on a limb and raise the question that no other journalist has the guts to ask in public: what about urban cauliflowers?

I mean, you see them everywhere. Nearly every urban vegetable vendor sells cauliflowers, which makes these cauliflowers urban cauliflowers. Anyone who buys them is, ipso facto, channelling their hard-earned money into funding a growing network of urban cauliflower operatives.

Some of my own friends and family members eat these urban cauliflowers, which makes them associates of urban cauliflowers. So, why this conspiracy of silence over urban cauliflowers?

The whole world knows there are solid links between urban Naxals and urban cauliflowers. How else does one explain the fact that India never had any urban Naxals until the rise of urban cauliflowers? Also worrying is the deafening silence over urban aubergines. Between urban cauliflowers and urban aubergines, I don’t know which I fear more. Make no mistake: they both have the capacity to break up India. Cauliflower is an evil vegetable that used to give me nightmares all through school while aubergines are so purple that I almost became a racist hating them. The reason urban cauliflowers and urban aubergines are so dangerous is that they will continue to grow even if you arrest them.

Raising a force of urban giraffes

The only way to eliminate both these elements is by raising a Salwa Judum force of urban giraffes. Now, I know it is not easy to breed giraffes in an urban environment. For one thing, giraffes are tall. Secondly, they produce abundant quantities of giraffe dung. So where do we store all the giraffe dung? India already has a huge problem dealing with human dung, which, according to highly placed sources in the Swachh Bharat department, is produced by none other than humans themselves.

So, I request each and every one of you to set aside a modest four square feet of space in your living room for storing giraffe dung. If you have no problem keeping your savings in a bank, you should have no problem keeping giraffe droppings in your living room either. Besides, this is for national security, which, at the present juncture, can only be secured by getting giraffes to eliminate all urban cauliflowers and all urban aubergines. This might sound like a tall order, but if we can successfully pull off a demonetisation, then we can do anything, including raising a Counter-Insurgency Unit of Urban Giraffes.