Death Penalty Still Permissible For People Who Drive Slowly In The Left Lane, Pope Francis Clarifies

VATICAN CITY—Following his recent announcement that the Catholic Church no longer supports the use of the death penalty, Pope Francis clarified that it may still be applied to slow left-lane drivers. “It almost goes without saying,” the leader of the Church commented.

Whereas prior Church teaching allowed the death penalty in certain cases, the Catechism now teaches that the punishment is always impermissible. “Except,” said a Vatican spokesman, “for those reprobate souls who just hang out in the left lane as if nobody else has anywhere to be.”

The decision has angered some conservative Catholics, who favor applying the death penalty in wider circumstances. “What about that guy who brings his guitar to a party and totally ruins everyone’s good time?” one traditional Catholic asked. “Or those people who insist on making small talk while in line at the grocery store?”

It is unknown whether Pope Francis will also call for the death penalty for people who wake the whole neighborhood up mowing their lawns at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning, but sources close to the Pontiff state he’s leaning toward the affirmative.

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