Fireman Sam is a well loved children’s TV character. His adventures have been popular for nearly 30 years. For those of you unfamiliar with the programme, it focuses on the exploits of the eponymous fireman and his colleagues in the small Welsh valley town of Pontypandy. The Pontypandy fire brigade are regularly called out to deal with relatively low-key but still-potentially-dangerous mishaps that plague the town, usually due to the antics of local child Norman Price.

Granted, it was never without its flaws. Even as children my friends and I were suspicious of the number of emergencies Pontypandy experienced, especially in a town with an apparent population of 23, over 25% of whom are actually firemen. And it was always a bit suspect how the closest thing they had to a protagonist, the aforementioned Norman Price, was singled out as the only ginger child, implying that red hair is directly correlated with mischief and untrustworthiness.

But for all that, I loved it. It was a delightfully charming stop-motion cartoon made in Wales, so there was even a sense of national pride mixed in with the enjoyment of an easy-to-relate-to set of characters and circumstances.

I’m a grown man now though. Until I had my son nearly 2 years ago, I had no idea it was still on. I’ve watched it since, and really wish I hadn’t. I’m a trained scientist now and as a result there is too much evidence to ignore the inevitable conclusion: something has gone terribly wrong in Pontypandy. As a former fan and Welshman, my disappointment is tinged with the bitterness of betrayal. I’ve hinted at this before, and it would be a ludicrous exercise to list all my problems with the show here. But then, this blog has a ludicrous premise, so what the hell?

Stop motion to CGI

The original Fireman Sam was animated in the 1980s using charming stop-motion. These days it’s done with CGI. I know CGI is all the rage and offers more scope than other techniques, but it’s so omnipresent these days that cheap, less sophisticated CGI becomes more noticeable. And whoever it is that makes the modern Fireman Sam, they certainly are no Pixar.

Sam’s vanity

In fairness, Sam was always the focus of the show for reasons that were never that clear. Station Officer Steele is the chief of the fire service, and Sam appears to be no more senior or dedicated than any of his colleagues. But it’s typical for one member of a group to be the spokesperson or the popular one, just by dint of being the most charming or friendly or what have you, and this always seemed to be the case originally.

The latest incarnation takes this to extremes though. Sam now looks and sounds more like a stripper who happens to be wearing the fireman’s outfit for this particular booking. All the characters now specifically say they’ll call Sam. Not the fire brigade or the emergency services; Sam specifically. And I've not witnessed one occasion where he tackles an issue single-handed. Yet he’s happy to take the credit, never correcting anyone when they thank him specifically, when his colleagues have all risked their lives as much as he has. His fellow firefighters once sang a song praising him specifically in front of the whole town and he just accepted this as normal. Part of me thinks he causes all of the calamities himself, for the attention. He’s probably got Munchausen by proxy, but with an entire town.

Elvis’s mental condition

Previously, fireman Elvis Cridlington was a perfectly competent individual, as you’d expect from someone employed in the emergency services whose role would likely involve saving people from life-threatening situations. But in the modern Fireman Sam, although it’s never specifically stated, he seems to have some sort of cognitive deficit. It’s never addressed, but given his occupation, it’s likely he sustained some sort of head trauma while rescuing someone from a hazardous situation. And yet, Sam still insists on taking all the credit for any heroic action in Pontypandy? What an arse.

Children’s voices

Pontypandy is meant to be set in the Welsh valleys. I grew up in such a place, and still go there regularly. I was a genuine child of the Welsh valleys, as were all my friends. So I can safely say there is no child in the whole of Wales, or possibly on Earth, who talks like the children in modern Fireman Sam. It’s nothing but a sustained series of shrieks with an unsettling Welsh lilt thrown in. It’s like the children of Pontypandy actually evolved from seagulls. It sounds like a train with rusty brakes doing an impression of Tom Jones. There are very few dogs in Pontypandy, presumably because just being there causes them physical pain. Why would they do this to an innocent audience?

Resources

For a very small Welsh town, Pontypandy is alarmingly well equipped. The Pontypandy fire brigade seems to have a veritable fleet of emergency vehicles. In a time of austerity when even major population centres like London are having their emergency services stripped, this just seems insulting and wasteful.

Geography

In the original series, Pontypandy was a small valley village. In the later series, it’s a seaside town. What manner of major geological event could have brought about such a major change in the landscape? Undeniably, such a thing would have seriously taxed the resources of the emergency services that cover the afflicted area. Maybe that’s why everything is so different in modern Fireman Sam? The trauma experienced by the population of Pontypandy following such a natural disaster has caused them all to behave differently.

You’d think they’d have televised this though, it would make for an EPIC episode.

Dean Burnett has been spending a lot of time with his 2-year-old son recently and promises to return to blogging about grown-up things next week. He is on Twitter, @garwboy