A hushed crowd gathers. The excitement is palpable. Suddenly, a puff of white smoke goes up! It’s done! We have a new Apple rumor!

The Apple Car!

The Apple Car? Seriously? Huh. You don’t want to recount that vote? No? OK. Well, fortunately, there’s no need to get excited about an Apple Car. It’s already a failure.

”Tesla Model S Beats Apple Car by 3-to-1 Margin in TheStreet’s Poll” (tip o’ the antlers to Neil Weinstock)

You polled your readers. About the “Apple Car.” And you published the results of an unscientific poll about a thing that doesn’t exist and pretended they were somehow meaningful. You thought that was a thing you should do.

The Macalope really needs to call his Internet service provider because no matter how many times he reboots his router, the hurting never stops.

Even though an incredible amount of hype surrounds a potential electric vehicle from Apple, readers at TheStreet favor Tesla’s Model S by a 3-to-1 margin.

BREAKING: READERS FAVOR THING THAT EXISTS OVER AMORPHOUS, UNDEFINED CONCEPT.

This takes the Macalope’s old saw about how it’s amazing how future devices shipping from Apple’s competitors always beat currently shipping Apple products and turns it on its head! Naturally, of course, Apple loses either way. Such is the order of things.

To call it “tripe” would be to insult cow stomach as a food, and the Macalope says that as a ruminant himself. At least cow stomach provides protein. Reading this feels like it’s actually leeching the Macalope’s body of nutrients.

At the bottom of the piece is this helpful link for those who may be filled with self-loathing:

Must Read: Why an Apple Car May Never Be as Big a Moneymaker as the iPhone

“Must Read” is a typo, right? They probably meant “Must Soak In Gasoline And Light On Fire”.

“But Macalope,” you ask. “Is this the dumbest thing written about the mythical Apple Car this week?” It’s a good question. You are certainly an astute follower of the Apple-covering technology press. The answer, it turns out, is complex thanks to the Forbes contributor network’s Chuck Jones.

“Electric Cars Are So Yesterday: Apple Should Build Jet Packs Or Flying Cars” (no link but tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Don’t drive to where the hockey puck is going, fly there.

Who wouldn’t want to fly around in a Jet Pack (as long as they are safe and you can control it)...

Who wouldn’t want to teleport places?! As long as you didn’t merge with a fly and become a hideous fly-human hybrid. Hey, I’m an ideas guy. Those are engineering problems.

Well, good news! The Apple Car isn’t expected to arrive until 2020 so we only have another five years of this “analysis” to live through.

Actually, what we really need is an Apple time machine.