PULLMAN, WA—Warning that those who go on such weekend outings do so at their own peril, a study released Friday by researchers at Washington State University found that more than four in five couples who walk around exploring new neighborhoods never make it back home. “Our evidence suggests that the vast majority of couples who decide to take an afternoon stroll through a part of town they’ve never visited before simply vanish without a trace,” said the report’s author, Monica Briggins, noting that barely 15 percent of couples who decide to check out a cute little area they read about online or a new tapas bar on the other side of the city actually end up returning safe and unharmed to their residences. “Of course, of that 84 percent who wind up being listed in missing persons reports, only about half their bodies are ever located and recovered. We found that the remaining half of couples who wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and finally visit a city’s up-and-coming arts district are simply never seen or heard from again.” The report follows on the heels of a recent study that found that 71 percent of couples who go jogging together become completely lost and must resort to cannibalism.

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