Host Whoever: And welcome to the new show ‘It’s all pointless’ with your host, oh who cares!

The aim of the game, and for your chance to win our grand prize of £100,000 is to be the most pessimistic about the world as possible.

(Audience claps apathetically)

Host: So we have contestant one can you tell me why ‘it’s all pointless’?

Contestant 1: Well seeing as the universe is 4 billion years old, the 80 years we walk the earth is but an eyes blink of the universe; no matter what we do nothing truly changes as the universe will still be here long after you and I both die, so what the point!

Host: that’s pretty bleak contestant one- I’d say well done if I wasn’t struggling with the tedium of existence so much. So now contestant number two, tell my why ‘it’s all pointless’?

Contestant 2: scientists have calculated that there are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 planets in the universe and we live on just one of them; on this universal scale we are less than a grain of sand on a beach, everyone you have ever known barely makes up one grain of sand on the beach that is the history of the universe. We are all utterly tiny and insignificant.

Host: chilling stuff there contestant 2! I can literally feel the absurdity of our insignificant existence weighing down on me as I trail off cos I can’t be bothered anymore! Contestant 3?

Contestant 3: time only exists because we perceive it, because we perceive light, if we were not perceiving that light then time ceases to exist and when time ceases to exist then everything ceases to exist as time is the ultimate reference point for anything in existence. This means that when you die you stop perceiving time therefore the universe ultimately dies with you. If the universe dies when you die then any action we take is ultimately utterly pointless!

Host: and there you have it ladies and gentleman all three of out contestants have given their answers and I can confirm that the judges have chosen contestant 3 as our winner and the winner of our grand prize of £100,000!

(Muted, unmotivated applause from the crowd)

Contestant 3: I won?! I can’t believe it- I never win anything! This is amazing, this is the best thing to have ever happened to me!!

(Loud siren goes off)

Host: oooh I’m sorry you have just lost your grand prize by not responding in a suitably nihilistic fashion, suggesting that you do see a point to things.

Contestant 3: what? But I couldn’t help it!

Host: I know despite it all our human minds can’t truly rationalise the absurdity of existence with an infinite universe, but instead finds happiness in the here and now, and the day to day. Utterly mundane I know. But on the bright side, if there is such a thing, the prize money has inevitably rolled over to next week. Do tune in again to see how utterly unable we as humans are of accepting the utter futility of life and instead ascribing meaning to our lives and actions. And don’t forget our competition for you guys at home. If anyone can come up with an alternative to ignoring the futility of existence and enjoying the here and now while you can as an answer to the existential concept of absurdity then you stand to win something once we can be bothered to find a prize. So far we have received no answers, but we do live in hope for some unfathomable reason! goodbye folks! See you next time if I can manage to find the modicum of motivation needed to turn up!