Short Biographies of the Original Seven Astronauts of the National Trebuchet and Space Administration

Name: John the Brave

Born: May 20, 1243

Background: Soldier. Volunteered for astronaut corps from infantry.

Missions: TTS-1, June 12, 1261.

Highlights: First suborbital flight test of revolutionary trebuchet transportation system, the Merlin 5. Made it over the hedge.

Died: June 12, 1261.

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Name: William the Undismayed

Born: December 13, 1242

Background: Soldier. Drafted for astronaut corps from infantry.

Missions: TTS-2, June 13, 1261.

Highlights: Second suborbital test. Made it over the hedge twice after bouncing off a tent.

Died: June 13, 1261.

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Name: Henry the Overhasty

Born: August 11, 1238

Background: Unemployed. Answered classified ad in tapestry.

Missions: TTS-3, June 14, 1261.

Highlights: First civilian astronaut. Tripped safety harness release during countdown. Set records for shortest distance traveled (20 yards) and sharpest angle of descent (90 degrees). Did not clear the hedge.

Died: June 14, 1261.

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Name: Yves the Coerced

Born: 1240(?)

Background: Prisoner of war. Recruited for astronaut corps on pain of death.

Missions: TTS-4, June 15, 1261.

Highlights: Made it over the hedge. Set still-standing distance record (461 yards). Unexpectedly survived after landing on a herd of carnivorous swine.

Eaten: June 15, 1261.

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Name: Gilbert the Insane

Born: June 5, 1185

Background: Mad hermit. Coaxed from cave into astronaut corps under false pretense of meeting a woman.

Missions: TTS-5, June 16 1261.

Highlights: Married trebuchet in pre-flight ceremony. Did not clear the hedge.

Died: June 16, 1261.

Marriage Annulled: June 16, 1261.

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Name: Nicholas the Terrorized

Born: April 13, 1237

Background: Bystander. Kidnapped from market.

Missions: TTS-6, June 17, 1261.

Highlights: Shared tied-off crew sack with Bedlam X, the program’s inaugural scientific payload. Experiment designed to determine whether sudden acceleration is handled better by weasels with rabies or weasels with plague. Made it over the hedge, unfortunately.

Died: June 17, 1261.

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Name: Robert the Negligent

Born: January 18, 1229

Background: Trebuchet program manager. Found hiding in a barn by angry relatives.

Missions: TTS-7, June 18, 1261.

Highlights: Trebuchet was set alight for the first and only night launch of the program. Established new record for pre-flight pleading (15 min 49 sec). Bits made it over the hedge.

Died: June 18, 1261.