2017′s Top-5 Muslim Bachelors At Your Local Mosque





By Yahya Ridwan

Cupertino, CA (8:00 PM PST):

It’s that time of year again everyone! After literally thousands of submissions, we’ve compiled the best of the best brothers-looking-for-their-baby’s-mothers around. Without further ado we give you your local mosque’s top marriage candidates!

5) Salah “@MisterStealYoRishta” Tariq

Bio:

Ideal for the Arab girl who wants to tell her college friends she married a black guy while also impressing her parents with his ability to speak fluent Arabic. By the time you’re done reading this, Saleh will be unavailable.

Spirit Animal:

“Peacock”

Dream Job:

“Architect of your heart, sister.”

How would you describe your perfect evening?

“We meet at a mysterious and romantic hookah lounge full of elderly Arab gentlemen and/or hipsters, where we consume the lamb dish of your choice. I can’t wait to taste the tea that you make for my mother to inspect.”

4) Sohail “Hookah-U-Up” Majeed

Bio:

This 1/2 Afghan, 1/2 Persian, 100% gentleman considers himself a “Real OG.” By day, he roams the community college with his Power Rangers backpack and contraband Yemeni dagger. By night, he works at Junaid’s Poultry Palace. Although he lives with his mom, Sohail is looking for the Layla to his Majnoon.

Spirit Animal:

“A mix of a really buff lion and a very intimidating tiger. With a sword.”

Dream Job:

“Whatever pays enough for me to be able to move out”

How would you describe your perfect evening?

“I pick you up in my mom’s smokin’ new Lexus SUV for a night full of chaperoned fun. We end up at my uncle’s house where we have a stimulating and intimate conversation about the rugs in the living room.”

3) Mahmoud Salahodeen Ibn-Zubair Al-Mishmish III

Bio:

Although he goes by “Sal,” Mahmoud prides himself on his religious austerity. Mahmoud wants to point out that he’ll only talk to interested girls if both his parents and her parents directly stand between them during all conversations until one year into their marriage.

Spirit Animal:

“Obedient Jinn”

Dream Job:

“Wali”

How would you describe your perfect evening?

“I meet your father at a dimly lit corner of the local masjid, where we spend hours in deep deliberation over the technical Islamic laws. We end the night with a vibrant 10-cycle-prayer and goat beryani– the good kind.”

2) Nabeel “Starcraft’s Saladdin” Usman

Bio:

Nabeel wants you to be his Princess Laya and to stroll across the moons of Glingon in Second Life together. Although a sweetheart, Nabeel shows his manly side while cussing back at 6 year olds while playing X-box. If you can overlook the fact that he misses the occasional prayer during Anime marathons on Cartoon Network, Nabeel can be the Frodo to your ring.

Spirit Animal:

“Wookie”

Dream Job:

“The Muslim George Lucas”

How would you describe your perfect evening?

“We meet at my place for a candlelit online game of Starcraft, followed by a Lord of the Rings-themed dinner. I lead you back to my study where we spend hours examining my first edition Captain America figurines– none of the pretentious new stuff, only original characters.”

1) Fareed Hamood*

Bio:

Your father’s 42-year-old mosque acquaintance tops this list. What he lacks in looks, he makes up in random English Premier League soccer facts. And even though he doesn’t have a British accent, the way he says “Bebsi” will give you butterflies. He’s ideal for your self-esteem because when you’re pregnant, you won’t be the only one in the relationship with a protruding gut.

Spirit Animal:

“Chicken Shawarma Wrap”

Dream Job:

“Middle-manager at an emerging retail business”

How would you describe your perfect evening?

“We huddle around a warm, cozy 15-inch screen TV that only receives an antenna signal, where we watch a re-run of the Barcelona game. As you brew the tea, I laugh at memes that I don’t understand. I disappear into the downtown for a few hours before returning with a discounted-chicken from Sameer’s shop.”

* Integrity in journalism: your father paid for him to be ranked #1