Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will feel a pang of guilt outside a Tim's from giving the remnants of your Boston Creme to a nearby seagull, knowing that you're directly contributing the the Great Cape Breton Seagull Diabetes Epidemic.

Whatever. Those seagulls knew the risks.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will be hit by a wave of nostalgia today, when Star 94.9 completely unironically plays Ace of Base.

You will suddenly remember how great 1992 was. Thanks Star 94.9!

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will have a difficult time today dealing with the guilt of secretly hating the bagpipes.

Don't worry. We all secretly hate the bagpipes. They sound like a drunk Scotsman squeezing a bag of ornery cats.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The duality of your nature will cause an existential crisis when choosing between skim milk and 2% today at Sobey's.

Go for the 2%. You're worth it.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will be attacked by a cougar.

Steve Sutherland will be freaking out tomorrow when reporting on 8% of the Cape Breton population all getting simultaneously attacked by cougars.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will feel a wave of stress because you are painfully unprepared for the Fall fashion season.

You will be relieved once you realize you live in Cape Breton, and 75% of us wear flannel to work.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Congratulations! You're pregnant. It's a girl!

Too bad your child is going to be a Cancer, and we all know those are THE WORST kind of people.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Wedding season is over, and you didn't have nearly enough opportunities to drunkenly stumble through the Mull River Shuffle.

There's always next year!

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your adventurous nature will lead you to The Capri at 2:00am.

You will regret this.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will get lost in a tartan cloud during a Judique Ceilidh. The overwhelming stimuli of tartan skirts and staccato fiddling will engulf your senses in Gaelic tradition. You will lose all sense of space and time as your world turns into a kaleidoscope of bagpipes and highland dancing.

You'll make it out sometime in November.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb.18

You will feel an urge to pick up a Frank Magazine at Needs, until you see the cover and don't recognize a single face or name within the rag.

Man, I want to be in Frank Magazine. How do you get into Frank Magazine? Wait, do I want to be in Frank Magazine?

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You have a hard time believing that your fate is dictated by the stars and the moon you were born under, and believe that Astrology is merely just another way human beings obfuscate personal agency from the current position of their lives.

On the other hand, accepting that the universe is a random, chaotic series of events with no planning or reason is equally as terrifying, and brings to mind the vast emptiness of space and the meaninglessness of being.

You will buy a Snickers bar and completely forget this train of thought. Snickers bars are tasty.