To: Pulitzer Committee

From: The Pulitzer Fiction Jury

Subject: 2012 Finalists

Dear Pulitzer Prize Board,

It was a great year for fiction. After carefully reading hundreds of novels, it is an honor to present you the 2012 candidates for fiction: David Foster Wallace’s “The Pale King,” Karen Russell’s “Swamplandia!,” and Denis Johnson’s “Train Dreams.” This has been a very difficult and painstaking process, as it no doubt will be for you to select the winner. But there is no group of readers more qualified for the job.

With best wishes,

The Pulitzer Jury

**To: Pulitzer Board

From: Pulitzer Board Chief

Subject: **

Great meeting today, guys. Don’t forget to read the fiction candidates. Vote is in three weeks, on the 5th. Mark your calendars. Everyone got that?

**To: Pulitzer Board

From: Board Member No. 2

Re: **

Aye aye, cap’n!

Three weeks later.

To: Pulitzer Board

From: Pulitzer Board Chief

Subject: Fiction!

How are we progressing in the fiction category?

To: Pulitzer Board Chief

From: Board Member No. 1

Subject: re: Fiction!

I think we need more time. These things are like a HUNDRED pages long.

To: Pulitzer Board

From: Pulitzer Board Chief

Subject: re: re: Fiction!

O.K., two more weeks. No more, though. We’re already cutting it close.

To: Board Member No. 2

From: Board Member No. 3

Subject: re: re: re: Fiction!

Yo, check this out. At the three-minute mark, the cat FREAKS out.

To: Board Member No. 3

From: Board Member No. 2

Subject: re: re: re: re: Fiction!

Dude. Wanna see a cat really freak? Check this shit out. Long but worth every second.

To: Board Member No. 2

From: Board Member No. 3

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Fiction!

OMG OMG LMFAO! That cat freaked OUT.

A week passes.

To: Pulitzer Board

From: Pulitzer Board Chief

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: Fiction!

Guys, seriously, we need to getting cracking on the fiction category. P.S. Just for fun, check this out. What is that cat on?

A week passes.

To: Pulitzer Board

From: Board Member No. 7

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Fiction!

Hey guys, don’t forget to sign up for the softball game against Harper’s Bazaar. Those gals are rough. We need everyone there!

Text message from Pulitzer Board Chief to Board Member No. 5:

sry 4 typ0s. drvng on the hghwy. brrw yr swmplndya? lost mne @ knicks gme!!

Reply from Board Member No. 5 reply to Pulitzer Board Chief:

ha. prtty sure I just drove past you. almost INTO u! sorry lost my book too. clustrfuuuck lol.

To: Pulitzer Board

From: Board Member No. 4

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Fiction!

Off topic… there’s this kick-ass app thingy that tells you what your spirit animal is, and then it turns out to be a celebrity from the eighties. Kind of silly but also kind of spot on. Takes a few minutes but totally worth it.

Gchat from Pulitzer Board Member No. 5 to No. 6:

No. 6 to No. 5: I have a lunch with you-know-who. He wants to talk about “my feelings on the fiction category.”

No. 6 to No. 5: Ugh. That guy is always trying to peer pressure me into high-fiving in public.

No. 5 to No. 6: I know! Me too!! Just tell him that you have something and then we’ll

No. 6 to No. 5: …go to the Apple store? Great idea.

No. 5 to No. 6: Fo shiz

A week passes.

Tweet from Pulitzer Board Member No. 7:

reading #hungergames while waiting on line all day for tonight’s midnight sneak preview—brought olives…that’s whatz up!!

A week passes.

To: Pulitzer Board

From: Pulitzer Board Chief

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Fiction!

Whassup Pulitzeritos! Do not forget the big event: Mad Men season premiere/costume party/blitzkrieg/whatnot, courtesy of @JosephPulitzer. P.S. we prob should make a decision on that fiction thing soonish.

Tweet from Board Member No. 5:

and the pulitzer goes to…our committee chair’s costume as don draper c. 1976, super-bloated, flabby tie, gross mutton chops. well played sir

Pulitzer Board Member No. 5 in bed with Pulitzer Board Chief:

Board Member No. 5: That was amazing.

Pulitzer Board Chief: You were amazing.

No. 5: If I could, I’d give you a Pulitzer Prize for blowing my freakin’ mind.

Pulitzer Board Chief: Can I tell you a secret? I never learned how to read past the fourth-grade level.

No. 5: I love you.

Illustration by Maximilian Bode.