TRENTON–in a compelling response to critics of his handling of the bridge-closure scandal, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he had extensively investigated his own conduct throughout and found out that “I did everything exactly right at all times.”

“I have exhaustively reviewed all available evidence, spoken to hundreds of witnesses, and reviewed thousands of documents, and I can confidently state that my own conduct has been absolutely excellent at every moment,” said Christie, denying rumors that he had been involved in the controversial decision to close several approach lanes to the George Washington Bridge in apparent political retribution against the mayor of Fort Lee. “Anyone who disagrees with me is doing so for purely partisan reasons.”

A month ago, Christie appointed a fiercely independent team of investigators and directed them to leave “no stone unturned” in their effort to find the truth about . The team included his lawyer, his mother, three Teletubbies, and a golden retriever named Winston. “These guys are the best in the business,” Christie said at the time.

The final independent report, more than 370 pages long, reaches the conclusion that Gov. Christie not only “was completely unaware of the closings,” but also that he has “dreamy eyes” and is “sure-fire presidential timber in 2016.”

Christie reports being amazed at “just how great I did” throughout the bridge scandal