It wasn’t easy, in fact it was fucking tough. Being shunned, and judged by your peers, tribe, family — like a convicted criminal. I broke no laws, well… nothing that would put me behind bars. I ended a 12 year marriage, to a good person, that’s comfortably inculcated. The comfort part was why I needed to take up my bed and walk.

It’s been 8 years, time and hindsight, help sharpen the edges, of my storm, and the memory of almost not making it out alive. I see the characters and places with a different perspective. A gentler version of each decision and the deluded ones that have not been drowned out with time. Quite the opposite: 2 memoirs written and published; etching the outlines, and the shadows, into a sharper narrative, immortalized in ink.

Escaping mormonism for me — was a giant leap of naivety and a mixture of madness and hope. If the road ahead was transparent I would have retreated back into fear. The fear I was deftly trained (to obey) when it arced its rabid tentacles. Mormonism like all things fanatical is a slow death, an unwiring of sorts, a cacophony ringing in your eardrums, the maddening loss of certainty. The spiraling collapse of a life sacrificed, and given for the higher cause, the building of god’s kingdom on Earth. So we were told, and obedience was our measuring stick.

Leaving Utah a few months after a signed divorce decree, and my resignation from membership, was surreal. I had spent the better part of 30 years in a community, a tribe, a family, I was loved, and loved, important, needed, validated… So I thought, so I was taught. My apostasy cancelled, disconnected, ripped me from my floating foundation. I had no one to say goodbye to. A late Thursday morning, the sun high enough to blind my vision as I headed East through the Wasatch mountains.

Evaporation of a life… What life? Who’s life? It didn’t matter, not anymore. I would spend the next 5 days driving to New York. Not a day would go by without thinking about my daughters, all 4 of them. I questioned every decision, looking back 8 years later, I made some bad decisions. I had too… I needed too… Fucking up was something I wanted to get comfortable with. I was leaving behind perfection, or the image of this ugly word. Flawlessness must exist in other worlds and dimensions, I have not seen it on Earth — If I have, it lives in the Sun, and the shadows, dancing in Nature, never in a human.

My escape, winning my freedom, my individuality, I would learn over and over, these are not gifts recieved and consumed. These are gifts to be won over and over, society has mechanisms in place to imprison you. Vigilance and literature are essential tools to win back your freedom, your individuality. Mormons are in the business of selling you salvation to the tune of 10 percent of your income. I would no longer pay someone for happiness, the journey, this life. I needed to discover it internally, not externally like I had been told.

Losing my house, cars, boat, structure, family, friends, a steady income was challenging, but I soon learned it had its own reward. It speeds up the time required to learn who you are. Simple: you no longer are weighted down with stuff, no distractions. When you are no longer distracted, you see things, and hear things, you never saw or heard before. Seeing and hearing for the first time is exciting. Balancing new life was breath taking. I felt a little like Alice in Wonderland — the tumbling down the rabbit hole felt not only familiar but echoed my strange reality.

Years earlier discovery of Mormon deception and the cover up or white washed historical narrative was not just alarming but disarming. Reading history from banned books or anti-mormon literature (propaganda) revealed a disturbing fact: Mormon leaders have worked, over time, to bury known truths. To name a few: Joseph Smith the founder, practiced polygamy and polyandry. The most alarming; approaching 14 year old girls to marry him, any disagreeable response was swiftly met with a threat, an angel from god would destroy them with a flaming sword of fire. 14 years old…

The most disturbing fact, for me, is the mormon underworld, the long, and sordid scandalous history, of polygamy, and treatment of woman. Brigham Young alone leaves a wide wake of casualties, with ill-treatment of woman, leaving a solid foundation of extreme racism. Murder and genocide reigned supreme, during his 19th century dictatorship in what would later become Utah. The moronic fact mormon leadership today fighting aggressively against equal marriage rights, same sex marriage. The hypocrisy is laughable, but then again it is not, due to the current climate of the day. Suicide is increasing at alarming rates in Utah amongst the LGBTQ community.

The rejection of another human being, whether it be race, sexual orientation, gender, class, is so reprehensible in the 21st century. No human being deserves to be rejected because they are different. They are not the problem, we are the problem, by not accepting, helping and loving them. Institutions and ideologies and dogmas still built on a structure fabricated hundreds of years ago will crumble. Ideologies die, due to rigidity… Replaced by new thought, new ideas, and creative insight.

I am proud of the decisions I made years ago, to discover my religion by birth, hurting, loving, kind, compassionate people. I walked, in some ways, I ran from the playground bully, bullied into conformity, into obedience, into automatons. For a price, a cost, a sacrifice, to be part of something, acceptance, validation… In my case, the mormon exploitation, for more real estate, leaders salaries, and constructing billion dollar buildings. On the backs of those they have preyed on, imposed on, misuse, ill-treat, bleed, suck dry, squeeze, wring and enslave, because they can and always have.

My bully was the Mormon’s — who is your bully? And isn’t it time to get rid of bullies… They come in many forms. Remember, a bully, whether it be an individual or institution, once they lose control of you, they will try to control what your tribe think of you. They always want to control the narrative. Because they know, those who control information, have immense power. Kick the bully to the curb — with time and information, they will be exposed, and the inner fabric or structure, tumbles, due to its rigidity. What they believe to be their greatest strength will be their ultimate down fall.

If you like this you might like my 2 Memoirs on leaving Mormonism and the difficulty of finding my feet post Mormonism…

Published on Amazon: Sacred Road & Religious Rehab…

Todd