WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Republican critics of Obamacare rose up in anger today, claiming that, after two months of fixes, the healthcare.gov Web site is now “unacceptably fast.”

Leading the howls of protest was the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), who accused President Obama of designing a Web site that operates at a “blistering, breakneck speed.”

“With pages loading in milliseconds, this Web site is insuring people before they know what hit them,” Rep. Issa charged. “Clearly, this is what the President and his team had in mind.”

Additionally, Rep. Issa said, at such high speeds “it is questionable whether this Web site is even safe for consumers to use, particularly the elderly.”

The California Republican said he would call for hearings this week to investigate the dangerous new velocity of healthcare.gov, telling reporters, “If anyone can slow this thing down, it’s me.”

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