As 2011 drew to a close, several things happened all at once. My job was becoming more and more hectic. My grandfather had taken an international trip with some friends, to escape the grief, I think. He returned early from the trip with some serious health issues. Once again, I was in and out of the hospital, looking after a grandparent and trying to keep everything going in the meantime. My life was a series of nights and days, eat, work, sleep, shower, work, eat, sleep, work, repeat. I was emotionally exhausted and running ragged, but I had fallen into a routine.

On a gray day in December, I was grabbing lunch at a Chipotle before heading over to the hospital to check in on my grandfather. The guy at the register called me ma’am. I sort of blinked. As I walked out of the restaurant, I looked myself over. I hadn’t really intentionally left the house in girl mode that day, I wasn’t even wearing makeup. As I thought about it, it suddenly occurred to me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had been misgendered.

As I sat with my grandfather that afternoon, listening to his stories, commiserating with him, watching the nurse giggle when he called me “grandson”, getting she’d by the same nurse later in the hallway, I couldn’t help but smile. My life had changed. A year prior I had been in the deepest, darkest depression of my life and I had somehow found my way out of that.

I went home, and that night I wrote this:

“When I started transitioning, I had all these expectations. I thought that if I did certain things, I would pass, no question, right away. I kept running into thoughts like, “If only I could grow my hair out, I would pass,” or, “I’ll pass after I get my laser done,” and “Once I start hormones, I’ll pass.” Thing is, my hair grew out, and I still didn’t pass. I got laser, and people just thought I was 16 again. I started hormones, and three month later I had the breasts of a 12 year old girl. So at some point I gave up, and just decided to accept myself, try to appreciate my inner beauty for what it was, and just be myself every day. That was a big step, because there were a lot of feminine behaviors that were resting right under the surface that I needed to let out: how I carried myself, how I walked, talked, etc. So time went by, and one day I was sitting with my best friend, and something hit me. I turned to him and asked, “How long have I been full-time?” It had randomly occurred to me that I couldn’t even remember the last time I had been in “boy mode”. He looked at me, puzzled, looked away in thought for a second and then admitted, “I have no clue. A long time I think.” That was a few months ago. I still wasn’t passing all the time, but I just accepted that and moved forward. I had another moment very similar to that today. I realized that everywhere I’ve gone for the last week or so, I’ve been called ma’am, she, her, daughter, etc. Suddenly I was passing everywhere I went, and I couldn’t even figure out why. I sat there in my car today puzzling over this, trying to figure out what I was doing differently to cause this, and I think I found the answer. It’s… nothing. I’m just being myself, more and more every day, and because the true me is a female, that’s what people are finally seeing. Transition isn’t about instantaneous occurrences or magical over-night transformations. It is about deciding something and spending every second after that decision working towards a goal that you never let go of, no matter what other people say, no matter what you feel on a daily basis. If you ride out the hard days, the difficult times, the hours spent staring at a mirror in tears asking “why?”, eventually you will get to a place where you are so overwhelmingly happy with who you are, you can barely contain it. My name is Elyse. I’m a 23 year old transgirl, and I am two years into my transition, nine months on hormones. I am not even half done, but I have never been happier with my life. If you are struggling with a transition in life, remember that things happen, but it always gets better.”

I went into 2012 more alive than I had ever been.