J

ames. Alexander. Malcolm. MacKenzie. Fraser.

The name alone is enough for women (and more than a few fellas) to either have la petite mort (look it up – it’s awesome) or plunk down a few thousand dollars and book a trip to Scotland in order to find the standing stones and travel back to to search for him.

(Spoiler Alert: He’s fictional. He’s also mine, bitches)

Like any other Outlander fan, I waited with bated breath to see Jamie Fraser come to life in the form of Sam Heughan. From the first episode, he nailed it (insert dirty joke here). From the mannerisms, to the first uttered “Sassenach,” to the eye effs that made us all have our own la petite mort, Sam Heughan became Jamie Fraser. All was right in both the literary and television world.

Except for one little issue that divided fans: His Hair.

Now before the pitch forks and shearing scissors are thrown my way, I’m not writing about the color. I did look up a red stag pelt by the way. (My name is Julie and I’m a literary nerd!) To the Outlander hair colorist: excellent job. You should come out with your own line of hair color.

My focus is really on the inconsistency of his hair.

Each week, we went on the rollercoaster that is Jamie’s coif. When it was good – ala the first episode – it was really, really good. Hands-through-his-hair-while-he-does-some-dirty-wonderful-things-to-you-that-renew-your-faith-in-humanity good.

When it was bad – well, let’s just say it raised so many questions: Did they have curling irons in the 18th century? Why won’t his friggin’ bangs grow? Is he really a Scottish hobbit?

I actually didn’t mind Jamie’s bad hair days. It reminded us that he is not perfect, and he too has had days where he looked like he was stuck out in a lightning storm holding a golf club. (Golf did start in Scotland, right?)

So, while we wait for April 4th to slowly creep upon us, and after you have watched all eights episodes for the umpteenth time followed by That’s Normal’s Talking Outlander, here’s a look back on the highlights and lowlights (hair pun!) of JAMMF’s strands:

Highlight: “Sassenach”

Jamie doesn’t appear until 46 minutes in this episode. And what a wait it was.

It was perfect. The color – not clownish red but deep rich auburn that Nice and Easy would murder for. The cut – not long for reasons that perhaps the next episodes will go into, but long enough that you want to run your hands through it while resetting his screwed up shoulder or hold on to when he makes good on that threat to throw you over his shoulder. Um, missed opportunity, Claire.

Who knew the mixture of sweat, dirt, and blood was the perfect combination for sex hair?

Lowlight: “Castle Leoch” beat down

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Okay, maybe this look was due to the ass whooping for Laoghaire. That skank ruins everything.

Did someone decide that was the day to try the diffuser nozzle? Did someone run out of conditioner? (If that is the case, then fans need to stop with the baked goods and send bottles of some Pantene. STAT!)

Whatever the reason, this is the first we see of what I call the Scottish Fro: the puffy mushroom shape, the curly bangs that gave me flashbacks to my third grade school picture. (Shudders)

It made me want to scream, “Quick Claire, find this man some herb with a Latin name I can’t pronounce and rub that shite down!”

And then Rupert whooped his ass. Sweat started pouring, blood ouzed out, and Jamie’s dirty sexy hair was back! Wait, I think I see a pattern emerging.

Highlight: Je suis prest at “The Gathering”

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There was so much right in this scene that I still giggle when I think about it: the lack of shirt that made me perfect my play/pause skills on my DVR. (Little did I know that would be my Jedi training for the wedding preview.) The eff me stare that convinced me that I was pregnant with Jamie’s eye babies and was about to register for a plaid theme nursery from Potterybarn Kids. The “Je suis prest” in all its amazing baritone glory.

And what else was right? Survey says: the hair!

No Scottish Fro here! Once again the perfect amount of messy without being all Doc from Back to the Future. The bangs were even good: more tamed and less “higher the hair, closer to God” volume.

And if my scientific theory is sound, then there’s a reason for this: hats off to you, Rupert, for sucker punching Jamie in the back of the noggin. You’re like the John Frida of 18th century Scotland.

Oh, and shout out to the kid whom Jamie head butted. The force of that most likely knocked his bangs into the right place.

Lowlight: Jamie’s Not Oath at “The Gathering”

No! What the hell happened!? Didn’t we see you just one minute ago? Who in the name of Mrs. Fitz attacked you with a bristle brush and some pomade, and made you look like George Washington’s Scottish descendant? Am I now attracted to George Washington? Ugh!

Rupert! Quick! Punch him and fix this mess!

Lowlight:The ceremony during “The Wedding”

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Clearly James Fraser needs to be credited with the first ever blow out. What the hell did he do? Stand among the windy cliffs of Scotland and let mother nature dry his hair back?

Everything was almost right with this look – the plaid, the broach, even the damn frilly doilies that were sleeves.

But the hair? When did one of the BeeGee’s make a cameo?

On a more positive note, if Jimmy Fallon ever decides to host Saturday Night Live again, and Justin Timberlake is unavailable for The Barry Gibb Talk Show skit, I say Sam Heughan has a shot. No wig needed.

Highlight: Sexcapade Round Two “The Wedding”

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Welcome back, sexy Jamie hair. We’ve missed you.

Was it the soft lighting? Was it the way Jamie looked at Claire and called her his own? Was it the way he mistook her “oh” face for her “Holy shite, that hurts!” scream?

Hell no! It was the way he and Claire went at it like someone told them it was the end of the world, and the only way they could save humankind was to “grind the corn.” (Thanks, Dougal, for that classy gem!) Hence, the sweaty, disheveled hair.

Yes, there was no Rupert to punch the crap out of him. But when the creaky, old bed covered in animal pelts is rockin’, don’t come a knockin’. Especially when all the rockin’ gave Jamie some good bed head.

Lowlight: Hand porn on the cliffs in “The Way Back”

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It’s a beautiful scene: Jamie and Claire Fraser. Married. Looking over the rolling Scottish highlands as a fine mist rolls over the fields. Having the “Is this normal” talk. They touch and rub each other’s hands. And rub some more. And some more. Nothing could possibly ruin this scene.

Oh, wait. His hair could.

Flat on the top and curly on the bottom? Is this the Scot’s version of a mullet?

Jamie looks like he’s a part of the starting lineup for the SF Giants. (See! I did learn something from watching the World Series!) Any moment you expect some giant cartoonish elephant mascot to emerge and high five Jamie and Claire while the wind whistles, “Let’s go, Giants!”

This hair? Strike out.

It’s worth noting that producer Ron D. Moore is a huge fanboy for the Giants. Coincidence? I think not. Well played, Mr. Moore. Well played indeed.

Highlight: Window seat in “The Way Back”

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And what a mid season ending it was.

No, I don’t just mean the storyline cliffhanger. (Although it was awesome!) I mean that coif. It was back to the old sweat, dirt, and blood of the good ole days (or at least the first episode). It screamed, “Someone was on the receiving end of a Jamie Fraser smackdown!”

For those of you who are new to the series and haven’t read the book, you may be saying, “Well, how do you know he fought someone?”

One, I’ve read the book. I know how he got there and how he got the gun.

Two, I highly doubt he casually strolled into Fort William and asked the information counter, “Excuse me. Could you be so kind as to tell me where I could find the sadistic bastard who is most likely holding a knife to my wife’s exposed areola?”

I think we all know Jamie Fraser by now: He fought hard, which means blood, sweat, and I’m sure a roll around in some dirt. And we all know what that means? Awesome, godlike hair.

Just keep rolling in that dirt, Red Jamie. Keep on rolling into April 4th.

Written by Julie

Julie’s Current Obsessions: Sangria. Anything Outlander. Reading great books more than once. Jimmy Fallon. J Crew Factory deals. Red Lipstick. The Civil Wars (R.I.P.). Atticus Finch. Taylor Swift’s 1989. Anthropologie. Dancing and not caring who sees. Instagram photo filters. Target’s Mossimo skinny jeans. Attempting French. Men’s forearms (don’t ask). Not getting over How I Met Your Mother’s series finale. The Twilight Soundtracks (yep, all of them). Audrey Hepburn. Find her on Twitter @julep0405