Last year I started to to reacquaint myself with an old colleague (lets call him Nathan) after seeing some rather depressing statuses on his Facebook account. Rather than let them go unnoticed like so many people do I had messaged him and let him know that if he did ever wish to talk then I was available. We had gotten on very well when we worked together so it didn’t feel odd or strange at all to offer my support.

We started to go for coffees semi regularly, every month or so where we would just chat about all sorts, essentially just two friends hanging out, where I would ask how his relationship was going as he’d often said he was having difficulties. Eventually I found out that his girlfriend had called things off. Nathan seemed to take it well and we continued to see each other for coffees.

I’ll admit that every now and then I felt an inkling that he might have become attracted to me, but put this down to the fact that I was a rare female figure in his life who was happy to spend time with him. He started to ask me to go for coffees more regularly or to go over to his house to watch movies. I was determined to nip this in the bud and always politely declined, and whenever the subject of relationships came up I would always comment that it was something I’d not even contemplated for quite a while and that I was very happy being single.

Alarm bells really should have started ringing when I mentioned how much fun he would have at a theme park in Orlando as I now he was a fan of comic books and rides, he jokingly said we should go together and I smiled and carried on talking about the other attractions the park had to offer.

Cut to three weeks later and he texts me to let me know his visa has been approved for travel to the US. I am, understandably, quite shocked as I don’t actually recall finalising any agreement to actually plan a holiday together. I then had the unpleasant honour of advising him that we would not be going to America as I had already planned out the next several holidays with other friends.

Nathan takes this in stride as he is suddenly overcome with helping to plan a mutual friend’s wedding (again, both bride and groom were people we used to work with and have been on friendly terms for a while).

I hear all about the plans on the run up and then suddenly three days before the wedding I get an email from Nathan asking if I would be able to go as his plus one as his other friend had let him down. I am a little taken aback by the last minute nature of this request and only agree with the express permission of the groom in lieu of an actual invitation.

I spend the next three days worrying about what to wear and finding a gift etc. The day before I’m still not sure exactly what the plan is as Nathan is one of the ushers and I understand he will be busy in the morning helping the groom get ready. Nathan texts me to say he would pick me up in the morning as I was joining him with the groom and ushers and we would all walk to the church together, (I put my foot down at going along to the Groom’s breakfast).

Cue a very awkward morning as I attempt conversation with the grooms grandmother and relatives whilst the boys get ready and they’re no doubt wondering who this strange girl in their living room was. There were no other ‘plus ones’ there and I found out pretty quickly that none of the other ushers had actually invited anyone as their dates so I’m now a little on edge as to why Nathan made this out to be such an emergency on his part.

The day went off without a hitch, everyone was lovely and kind and despite not knowing many people there and Nathan always being called away to fulfil his usher duties I had a wonderful time and congratulated the parents of bride and groom on such a lovely couple.

But then the evening winds down and the slow songs start to play and Nathan keeps asking me to dance which I keep declining (I should probably say at this point that I have a disability that requires me to walk with a stick and braces, being on my feet all day has naturally left me quite exhausted). I finally relent uncomfortably when he and his friends all start cajoling me so I agree to one dance which is intensely awkward to me as I become increasingly aware that this entire charade has been some sort of attempt at seduction, which I concede might been seen as romantic by someone who actually had interest in the other party.

We break away as the song finishes and the bride and groom announce their departure so I take the chance to congratulate them and thank them again for the last minute invite and that I’ve had a lovely day and wish them well in their marriage. They start to make conversation about Nathan, saying that they were lucky to have his help throughout the planning process and I agree, stating that he is a genuinely nice guy, to which both bride and groom start telling me that I should ‘remember that’. I ask what they mean by that and they reply that I ‘know what they’re talking about, he’s really gone out of his way to make sure you have a nice day, it’s only right you show him you’re grateful’.

The implication was clear. I was pretty horrified that these people who I thought were my friends were quite happy to insinuate that I offer myself in return for ‘a date’.

‘A date’ that I had agreed to as a favour for a friend who I thought was in real need.

Needless to say I excused myself quietly not long afterwards, completely unsure of what to say as I said goodbye to Nathan.

He continued to text me after that day for more increasingly ‘date like’ endeavors (Movies, dinner, picnics in the park etc) all of which I declined until one day I finally had enough and casually mentioned that I had started seeing someone at work.

Nathan has not text me since, and worse than that all mutual friends that have contact with him have deleted me from social media, including bride and groom.

From what I understand now I have done the unthinkable by ‘friendzoning’ him, although to my knowledge I had never lead him on, had never implied that we were anything more than friends. But it seems that by agreeing to attend the wedding of a mutual friend at short notice was enough to ‘seal the deal’. I’m quite upset that by trying to be a good friend to someone I have gone on to lose friends. I’m also very upset that I’ve been thought of as someone that should happily ‘put out’ just because someone shows an interest/makes an effort to be nice to me, to the point where I’ve even received comments about how I should have ‘just gone out with him, it’s only fair’.

I’m not certain what I could have done to make it clearer to him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship. 1029-14