NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice. “I was thinking we could watch a happy movie this time,” Halstead said as she joined her husband and children in the living room, suggesting they find a film they could all watch, and not a sad one where someone dies at the end or a violent one where “everybody’s shooting at everybody else the whole time.” “You know I can’t watch that blood-and-guts stuff. Could we maybe pick something that’s upbeat and has a funny person in it? Maybe something with Billy Crystal.” At press time, reports confirmed Halsted had been outvoted four to one, and the family was watching The Departed again.

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