2015 could be the year of kratom, the sleeper-hit wonder drug that’s as schizophrenic as the Internet that spawned it.

In the last year alone, kratom has made special guest appearances in several hysterical local news reports, which attracted unwanted attention from the FDA and stirred efforts by several states to ban it outright. Yet the drug, whose effects on humans have never been studied seriously, hasn’t had quite the same galvanizing effect on the popular imagination as other fringe substances. Oft-billed as a benign natural herb from Southeast Asia, kratom lacks krokodil’s flesh-eating properties and salvia’s storied freakout sessions. It hasn’t killed teens or sent hundreds to the hospital, like Spice, K2 and other strains of synthetic marijuana. Nor is it known for inducing the kind of psychotic zombie episodes brought to you by bath salts.

Kratom is derived from the leaves of the Mitragyna speciosa tree, which are harvested and dried for use as tea, or ground down further into powder.

Yet its popularity continues to spread, mostly undetected, across the far reaches of the Internet. Dozens of online vendors now peddle strains to head shops or directly to consumers, who chew, brew, snort, smoke, ingest and even inject kratom. In fact, kratom is now more widely searched on Google than salvia, krokodil, bath salts or synthetic marijuana. And unlike those flashes in the pan, which receded as rapidly as they spiked, interest in kratom has climbed steadily over a decade.

So what the hell does it actually do? That depends almost entirely on whom you ask. We sifted through thousands of reviews and threads from the rapidly growing community of users who have converged on a network of subreddits, forums, blogs and private Facebook groups devoted to kratom. In the digital ether, it’s hyped as a natural painkiller for people with chronic health problems and as a methadone substitute for junkies and opiate addicts. It allegedly treats anxiety, cures depression and remedies ADHD, too.

But for everything it does, kratom also does the exact opposite, according to testimonials. It makes you wired or groggy. It turns you into a sex god or saps your libido entirely. It gives you the squirts or makes you incontinent. It affords you superhuman strength or makes you so weak that you can’t even get out of bed.

Kratom is like a Rorschach test in powder form: a drug so multifarious, so contradictory and so seemingly absurd that it has to be either the most miraculous substance known to man or the ultimate snake oil for the digital generation. We’ll leave it up to you. The following pairings are meant to be read in order, from top to bottom, for maximum effect. On kratom:

You Will Have the Best or Worst Sex of Your Life

Alamy/Beyond Fotomedia GmbH

“I’m the horniest I’ve ever been. I literally had the best sex of my life last night. Kratom improved my performance and durability. I felt like a superhero.” (n6ap1z, r/kratom)

“My libido is almost completely eliminated by Kratom. To be honest, it’s pretty much the sole reason I’m quitting.” (trashymcclassy, r/kratom)

“Kratom + Sex = rock her world.” (Mitchnast, shroomery.org)

“When My husband is in me I don’t feel it. In fact I feel pressure like I have to pee…[and] I feel numb.” (Natinka, bluelight.org)

“Walking around w/ a tent for like 2hrs left my lower-back sore (from forward-hunching, trying to lessen the obvious wood i was working with..).” (bmxxx, bluelight.org)

“After 1 week of using kratom. Zero boners.” (notarealtesticle, r/kratom)

You Will Definitely Feel Amazing or Terrible

Alamy/Barry Diomede

“Kratom motivates me and wakes me up even better than coffee!” (Natinka, bluelight.org)

“You’ll feel groggy, weak and like shit.” (jones-in_J, bluelight.org)

“During my class, I felt more interested in what the teacher had to say then I normally would.” (Twirling, shroomery.org)

“I could barely focus. I’d notice split seconds where my mind would just black out.” (nighttimel, r/kratom)

“Sometimes it makes me feel like the world is just so beautiful and I just start crying? I am a guy and it makes me feel like a girly man (arnold voice). Is this normal?” (toad3527, r/kratom)

“Very quickly, anxiety and feelings of profound ‘wrongness’ set in. …I was getting closed eye visuals of people who seemed to be covered in mold or fungi and ‘hearing’ a kind of toothless mumbling that disturbed me immensely. It sounded like the noise a severely mentally challenged person might make, and my head was full of thoughts of ordinary people subjected to ruinous torture and experimentation.” (nathaniel.dread, dmt-nexus.me)

“My whole body was numb and I felt the most euphoric feeling I had ever felt from a drug. The best I can describe it (not to be graphic) is the after-glow of an orgasm.” (Afroshroomerican, shroomery.org)

“I was convinced I was going to die and was so sad that I was going to leave my wife alone.” (roux, bluelight.org)

“I felt like someone covered me with a blanket, so obviously I felt warm but not hot. Next my body felt like it was out of my body, if you know what I mean. Like my soul is hovering over my body but I’m still in control.” (squirtle53, r/Kratom)

“I was feeling hot and sweaty and extremely nauseous. I eventually went to the bathroom and vomited green sludge.” (Beyond_Normal r/kratom)

“Human faces appeared to be altered, sort of like ‘freaky,’ sort of like it was a horror show, where [I] looked at people, normal people, and seemed to see only the horror at their particular existence! For example, an old fat granny who had trouble walking, made [me] feel really miserable and horrified of life’s reality, just by looking at her.” (The Visitor, drugs-forum.com)

“Just a cool relaxing buzz.” (chuck_y,drugs-forum.com)

“NOTHING relieves my pain like kratom. Kratom takes away my pain.” (iamslh32, kratomassociation.org)

“The pain was so intense I was very worried about crashing on my way [to the ER]. …If I pressed my hands around my gallbladder I felt I was being stabbed.” (SobeDog, Erowid.org)

You Will Gain Superhuman Strength or Suffer Crippling Weakness

Corbis/Tim Tadder

“I use kratom as a pre workout before I go to the gym or the dojo. About an hour after a nice dose I feel like I can kick holes in walls and shit.” (Warchemix, r/kratom)

“Without fail, the exhaustion and effort required for lifting combined with the kratom effects makes me feel ill by the time I’m done.” (shrinkshooter, drugs-forum.com)

“I worked out for a solid 3 hours and had no signs of fatigue and was able to lift heavier and do more reps then I ever was able to before.” (Pizt, drugs-forum.com)

“Kratom actually seems to be detrimental to lifting weights.” (Cousin Merle, drugs-forum.com)

“All of a sudden I could swim 1.5 miles non-stop, no problem.” (Cousin Merle, drugs-forum.com)

“I literally don’t do anything besides lay on my couch when I’m on Kratom.” (KingOfTheData, r/quittingkratom)

You’ll Poop Weird

Corbis/Christine Balderas/Ocean

“I’m not getting a damn thing out of kratom except a backed up poop chute.” (Underground_flyer, r/krantom)

“Whenever I take it I have to take a dump within 10 minutes after, if not instantly.” (Jimmy Sage, shroomery.org)

“The poops come out in really small nuggets like moose poop or popcorn chicken. The good thing though is that all of the poops come out clean and I don’t have to wipe!” (sixsexsix, r/kratom)

“I noticed my poop is forest green and much wider. …In fact, when pooping I feel as if I’m being anally raped by Shaq! I clogged my toilet twice in a period of three days!!” (RonaldFuckingPaul, shroomery.org)

“My GF insists kratom gives her the runs which I find crazy since it does the exact opposite to me.” (Spmex7, r/kratom)

You Will Experience…So Very Many Side Effects

Elijas van Roon/Corbis

“I spoke with a doctor and there is virtually no side effects.” (gagenorton, spinehealth.com)

“Symptoms include: intense/full body itching, nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, sweating, urinary retention, blurred vision, dry mouth, thirst, trembling, shallow breathing, slow heart rate.” (Nicaine, drugs-forum.com)

“Over the past couple of months I’ve developed a stutter while using kratom. …It’s [gotten] so bad I am embarrassed when I speak because I can’t talk!” (hippychicky, drugs-forum.com)

“I couldn’t stop talking.” (Privateer, bluelight.org)

“Does anyone experience excessive sweating with kratom?” (LymieLady, kratomassociation.org)

“My skin was dry and cracked, my fingertips wrinkly, like dried up prunes.” (DepoV, drubs-forum.com)

“Recently [my fiancé and I] have both experienced a rather unpleasant side effect; we feel cross-eyed.” (illusbillus, kratomassociation.org)

“I have notice improved eyesight. …Specifically colors seem slightly brighter and my vision is crisper.” (Qooop, r/kratom)

“I have been having some severe stomach problems.” (Mel, kratomassociation.org)

“Since using kratom I have noticed some major improvement in my digestive process. …I have also become very regular. (in digestion only, he he.)” (tomskratomstory, kratomsources.com)

Your Life Will Be Totally Saved! Or Ruined



“It cut through my depression, helped me sleep, made me more social and the euphoria was amazing.” (ianzombie, drugs-forum.com)

“I am getting suicidal thoughts and extreme depression spells in combination with a really dark inescapable feeling. It’s not good.” (scotcheggs, r/kratom)

“Beat high-moderate approach anxiety. …Met and slept with more women than I can count, most of them—quite attractive. Cut down to and maintained 8-9% bodyfat. …Increased my penis size to over 7″ in length and just over 6″ in girth. Maintained rewarding relationships with my parents.” (Chris, goodlookingloser.com)

“Was able to watch TV while reading.” (vertigomac, drugs-forum.com)

“Built 2 online businesses that both make over $300,000 in revenue.” (Chris, goodlookingloser.com)

“Lost 2 jobs. …Had to move back in with my parents.” (tboswell45, r/kratom)

“Kratom does something to an addict’s mind to unaddict them to everything, and recursively even to kratom itself. It really is amazing. It ‘fixed’ me.” (pewter_compewter, r/kratom)

“I have spent countless amounts of money, lied to family, and wasted so much time revolving my life around kratom.” (throeaywei, r/quittingkratom)

“Kratom has massive benefits, no withdrawal and negligible side effects, and massive therapeutic value.” (Moonshoe, shroomery.org)

“Everyday is like groundhog day since I’ve been doing this, I haven’t been able to grow or develop as a person.” (deleted, r/quittingkratom)

“Nothing but a miracle plant, tree, herb, botanical, Kratom is a gift from the earth. Thank you earth.” (Pete53, kratomassociation.org)

“Fuck this fucking drug.” (CurdledBabyGravy, r/quittingkratom)