On Saturday night, you were not having a good time because you were out with your beloved chums. I mean, you may very well have been doing just that, but in actuality, you were having a good time because you just heard the news that the Yankees had signed Brian McCann to a contract. The contract is both long and laden with monies. But that’s fine, because after the 2013 campaign—"campaign" is perhaps too romantic and regal a word to afford it—we’ve all seen enough mediocre catching to last a lifetime. McCann is a catcher that can catch (after watching Chris Stewart, I’ve come to believe that’s a rarity) and, happily, he’s a catcher that can hit! But that’s not all he can do. No—Brian McCann is a man of many talents.

Has Been Known to Be Itchy

Has Been Known to Have Bad Luck

"Hey guys, where’s the ball go— NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Has Been Known to Possess an 80 Sweat Tool

Missing from this is the other three minutes of the interview where it looks like it’s just straight up raining on his face.

Has Been Known to Hit with Runners in Scoring Position

Has Been Known to Have a Pretty Good Swing

That’s pretty good, though. I mean, that’s legitimately good. I have some adjectives that I suggest we might appropriate for McCann (just imagine the words "into right" after each of these):

swatted

dispatched

redirected

pulsared

assassinated

cann oned (!)

oned (!) comboed

issued

given a travel visa

Has Been Known to Perform a Traditional Irish Jig on Occasion

Has Been Known to Like Clubbing

McCann, seen here performing a dance move that is illegal in sixteen states.

Has Been Known to Not Stop Cursing Once He Has Started

In case it’s not clear, the reason you can’t see his mouth is because MLB Baseball has seen fit to blur it out for a full five seconds (sped up here in GIF form). Five seconds! I'm not sure I have enough curse words to fill out two, let alone five. Because, you know, once you get going you can fire them out quick. Somewhere in Georgia, Brian McCann is still cursing. "$#%*@# Steinbrenners @*#%#* contract @$#%@% shopping mall stadium @$#$&% A-Rod—"

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