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RECOGNISING that you have gluten intolerance is not the easiest thing to do as the symptoms can sometimes overlap with other health issues making it difficult to distinguish what is causing what. In a recent survey, 93% of people who have a gluten intolerance have had to diagnose the disease themselves without any professional help, so how do they do it? Here are the 8 subtle signs to look for:

You’ve always wanted something to be wrong with you

Ever since you can remember, you’ve always wanted some kind of bearable disease to differentiate you from your peers. More than three quarters of people who claim a gluten intolerance were found to have the similar series of character traits, including a propensity to harass restaurant staff with endless questions about their food, despite everything being outlined on the menu, sniffing every meal before they eat it, and an uncanny ability to annoy everyone they meet, including their own friends and family.

You blame bread for everything

Have you ever gone on a night out on the town, drank 8-12 different types of alcoholic drinks and then ended up drunk, eating a burger or kebab, to wake up the next day in an awful way, blaming everything on the kebab bread? Well, you must be gluten intolerant. There is no other explanation for that kind of ailment. Definitely a gluten intolerance.

You get tired at night

Do you get tired at night after spending all day awake? Do your legs feel heavy and fatigued after walking or running? Do you find yourself falling asleep at night, sometimes not waking up for 6-9 hours? If the answer is ‘yes’, then you’re fucked as far as eating bread or pasta goes. Fucked. Give up gluten.

Mood swings

A lot of gluten intolerant people report ‘mood swings’ following a family bereavement or tragic accident. This is not normal and is one of the top tell-tale signs that your body, despite having the benefit of millions of years of human evolution, is intolerant to wheat. So avoid those funeral sandwiches if you want to stay happy. Bread is Satan.

Inflammation

The most common ailment of those suffering from gluten intolerance is an inflated ego. Many sufferers believe their needs should be dealt with first when ordering food with a party of people. Speaking only about yourself and your eating habits at every available moment may warrant a quick self-diagnosis online.

NOTE: If you believe you are gluten intolerant, please refrain from seeking any reliable medical advice on the matter and refer to Google search instead.