Last night, in response to Castellvi’s FML For Movie Characters, I joked that I was going to write a series entitled “FML For Presidents”. Good news – it’s not a joke anymore! Oh, and don’t worry – this is part 1 of a 3-part series. Look ’em up…I got them all.

George Washington: Today, I was presented with a new set of teeth. Hippo and elephant ivory held together by springs. This’ll be a comfortable presidency. FML

John Adams: Today, I was asked to sit for a portrait. Thinking I was going to be on U.S. currency, I spent four hours getting ready. Found out that instead my face is going to grace the two-cent stamp. FML

Thomas Jefferson: Today I was referred to as an “outspoken abolitionist”. You know who that quote didn’t come from? My secret slave girlfriend and illegitimate children. FML

James Madison: Today, I was put in charge of putting together a bill of rights. The “Right to Free Ice Cream Thursdays” didn’t even make the first cut. FML

James Monroe: Today, the United States finally acquired Florida. Which means I’ll go down as the president who gave the country an enormous, weird-looking dick. FML

John Quincy Adams: Today, I took the oath of office on a book of laws instead of the Bible to preserve the separation of church and state. I’m sure God will understand. Or turn me to salt. FML

Andrew Jackson: Today, I was given a nickname to commemorate my toughness. I was pushing for “The Stronghold” or “The Immovable”. The people settled on “Old Hickory”. FML

Martin Van Buren: Today, the Panic of 1837 happened. FML

William Henry Harrison: Today, I took my 2-hour-long oath of office in the cold and rain. Not a good day to forget my overcoat and hat. Hope I don’t die! FML

John Tyler: Today, I saw the Secretary of the Navy and Secretary of State die when a gun blew up during a demonstration firing. How the hell am I supposed to recover from seeing something like that? Guess I’ll try to annex Texas or something. FML

James K. Polk: Today, I gained an area of land that I wanted to call “Land of the Giant Monster Trees”. Others are kicking around the name “California” and looking at me like I’m a crazy person. FML

Zachary Taylor: Today, I was diagnosed with acute gastroenteritis. Hope I don’t die! FML

Millard Fillmore: Today, I initiated the White House library. A group of bigger, older government officials beat me up, called me a nerd, and shoved me in a locker. FML

Franklin Pierce: Today, two months before I’m supposed to take office, the train car that I boarded derailed and my wife and I got to see our 11-year-old son crushed to death. This ought to be a cheerful four years. FML

James Buchanan: Today, I was referred to by a close friend as “the worst president in American history.” I tried to disagree, but then I remembered when all those states seceded from the Union under my watch. Now I totally agree. FML