WASHINGTON—Explaining that they faced a serious roadblock in their effort to unmask the source of a leaked complaint about the president’s conversations with Ukraine, aides to Donald Trump investigating a whistleblower reported to be a CIA agent were struggling Monday to identify a single person in the agency with moral principles. “After we learned that the whistleblower is CIA, we figured it would be pretty quick to narrow down his identity among the few people there with a moral compass, but the more we looked into it, we realized we can’t think of anybody who has one,” said Stephen Miller, adding that aides had cleared everyone with links to the intelligence community they knew had knowledge of Trump’s Ukraine conversations due to the fact that they were all too unethical and black-hearted to care about any presidential misconduct. “Naturally, we started at the top, but obviously [CIA director Gina] Haspel is cleared because of the whole torture thing, and all the other leading officials are into really shady shit too. Pretty much anyone who’s been there longer than a year or two is out, and honestly, you don’t even expect people who have any deeply held sense of right and wrong to make it past the application process. There was one guy we were pretty sure was the whistleblower, but then we looked into him and saw that he was involved in the [2009] Honduras coup. You think a guy with no scruples like that is really going to stick his neck on the line for the nation? It’s hard, since this whole situation is completely antithetical to everything the CIA stands for.” Several Trump aides confirmed they were hoping to enter the whistleblower’s mindset by developing any shred of moral principle themselves.

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