Photo: Danielle Levitt

As someone who’s neither cultivated enough for, nor particularly interested in the theater — except for Springsteen on Broadway, which I saw and wept at twice — I rarely pay attention to upcoming plays. However, it’s been impossible for me to ignore Burn This, the new Keri Russell and Adam Driver production. This is because every single promotional photo of the two of them has been unspeakably, unrelentingly, unbelievably horny.

Separately, each party is objectively attractive. Together, they unleash a sexual energy so powerful, it rips a hole in the space-time continuum. (Disclosure: I don’t know how space, time, or continua work.) Driver, whose fundamental appeal lies in the fact that he’s an enormous horse of a man, looks positively hulking, with hands that are approximately the same size as those No. 1 foam fingers you wave at football games. Russell smolders like a sentient Duraflame log. As a wise man once said: [Ahooga horn noise].

Please, see for yourself:

A few colleagues joined me in dissecting the epidemic of chaotic horniness unleashed by the latest round of photos. “I’ve never been particularly horny for either Keri or Adam, but upon viewing these life-ruining photos, I’m ready to be their committed third,” writer Amanda Arnold admitted. “Even if they do give off the energy of a couple that describes sex as ‘play.’” Editor Izzy Grinspan had a slightly more chaste, fashion-related take. “Of all the horny things in that photo, I can’t get past her boots,” she told me. “They’re so good and I want them.”

“I want them to bang me into the center of the Earth,” writer Madeleine Aggeler added.

After plunging myself into an ice bath and saying three Hail Marys, I realized that I had no idea what Burn This is even about. So I consulted the New York Times, which provided the following summary:

A combustible 1987 play about the unlikely romance between Anna (Ms. Russell), a serious-minded choreographer, and Pale (Mr. Driver), a hothead restaurant manager. Anna has a gentlemanly boyfriend, Burton. Pale has a wife, two kids and a line of cocaine where his superego should be. If you tried to match them on Tinder, your phone might explode. Still, anguish and pheromones jolt them into love or lust or something more relentless.

Yup, sounds pretty horny to me.