FIFA has announced the winning slogans that will appear on the buses for each of the 32 teams at the World Cup in Brazil. As you might expect from a competition with a corporate tie-in, they are underwhelming at best and bad enough to hope the players walk to every game at worst. So, we've compiled a list of alternatives that the participating nations will hopefully keep in their hearts.

ALGERIA

Real slogan: "Desert warriors in Brazil."

Alternative slogan: "You think it's hot here? That's cute..."

ARGENTINA

Real slogan: "Not just a team, we are a country."

Alternative: "We're here to pee in your punch bowl, Brazil."

AUSTRALIA

Real slogan: "Socceroos: hopping our way into history!"

Alternative: "Socceroos: Hopefully our cutesy nickname lulls you into a false sense of confidence so we can maybe take a point."

BELGIUM

Real slogan: "Expect the impossible!"

Alternative: "Yep, he plays for us too."

BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA

Real slogan: "Dragons in our heart, dragons on the field"

Alternative: "We've got more dragons than Game of F***ing Thrones!"

BRAZIL

Real slogan: "Brace yourselves! The 6th is coming!"

Alternative: "If we lose, you all have exactly 10 minutes to leave."

CAMEROON

Real slogan: "A lion remains a lion."

Alternative: "Can a lion ever not be a lion? What if it's a zebra? Think about that."

CHILE

Real slogan: "Chi chi chi! Le le le! Go Chile."

Alternative: The slogan above cannot be improved.

COLOMBIA

Real slogan: "Here travels a nation, not just a team!"

Alternative: "Sofia Vergara."

COSTA RICA

Real slogan: "My passion is football, my strength is my people, my pride is Costa Rica."

Alternative: "This bus can talk. Repent."

IVORY COAST

Real slogan: "Elephants charging towards Brazil!"

Alternative: "Didier Drogba is here to bring peace and score goals. And peace can wait."

CROATIA

Real slogan: "With fire in our hearts, for Croatia all as one!"

Alternative: "You can play chess on our shirts!"

ECUADOR

Real slogan: "One commitment, one passion, only one heart, this is for you Ecuador!"

Alternative: "We qualified ahead of Uruguay!"

ENGLAND

Real slogan: "The dream of one team, the heartbeat of millions!!"

Alternative: "We don't expect to win, but someone is getting sacked if we don't."

FRANCE

Real slogan: "Impossible is not a French word."

Alternative: "Thank God Raymond Domenech isn't here."

GERMANY

Real slogan: "One nation, one team, one dream!"

Alternative: "We didn't bring Mario Gomez, but we will always have his song." (bus plays Mario Gomez song like an ice cream van)

GHANA

Real slogan: "Black stars: here to illuminate Brazil."

Alternative: "Black stars: causing the USA's nightmares since 2006."

GREECE

Real slogan: "Heroes play like Greeks."

Alternative: "Greeks play like buses. Hero buses."

HONDURAS

Real slogan: "We are one country, one nation, five stars on the heart."

Alternative: "Five stars on the heart, five toes up your backside!"

IRAN

Real slogan: "Honor of Persia."

Alternative: "We had nothing to do with that terrible Jake Gyllenhaal film."

ITALY

Real slogan: "Let's paint the FIFA World Cup dream blue."

Alternative: "GAZE UPON ANDREA PIRLO AND LET THE JEALOUSY WASH OVER YOU."

JAPAN

Real slogan: "Samurai, the time has come to fight!"

Alternative: This cannot be improved. If the World Cup was awarded to the team with the best slogan, they would just send Japan the trophy now.

SOUTH KOREA

Real slogan: "Enjoy it, Reds!"

Alternative: "Gangnam Style: now you have it stuck in your head and the world is putty in our hands! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

MEXICO

Real slogan: "Always united, always Aztecas."

Alternative: "Gracias, Graham Zusi! Gracias so much!"

Netherlands

Real slogan: "Real men wear orange."

Alternative: "Just to be clear: Louis van Gaal would really, really, really love to be Manchester United's next manager. All Man United offers can be submitted to his personal email address: BetterThanMoyes69@hotmail.nl. He will accept any terms immediately."

NIGERIA

Real slogan: "Only together we can win."

Alternative: "'The only thing better than an eagle is a Super Eagle.' — A scientist."

PORTUGAL

Real slogan: "The past is history, the future is victory."

Alternative: "Ronaldo is brilliant, Pepe is kill."

RUSSIA

Real slogan: "No one can catch us."

Alternative: No words, just this picture of Andrei Arshavin...

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