Cards Against the Machine

Being popular and good at sports.

Swishing the wine around and sniffing it like a big fancy man.

A man in a suit with perfect hair who tells you beautiful lies.

Becoming engorged with social justice jelly and secreating a thinkpiece.

Imortality Cream.

Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs to get fifty continuous hours of energy.

The graceful path of an autumn leaf as it falls to its earthen cradle.

Crying and shitting and eating spaghetti.

Ripping into a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.

A big, beautiful mouth packed to the brim with sparkling teeth.

Big, smart money boys tap-tapping on their keyboards.

Putting an entire peanut buter and jelly sandwich into the VCR.

Spending the year’s insulin budget on Warhammer 40k figurines.

The Ooze.

Subduing a bear and making her your wife.

A dolphin that learns to talk and becomes the Dean of Harvard Law School.

Taking a man’s eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes

Pretending to be one of the guys but actually being the spider god.

A for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes.

Holding down a child and farting all over him.

A bowl of gourds.

Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry.

A duffel bag full of lizards.

Going to a high school reunion on ketamine.

Getting inside the Horadric Cube with a hot babe and pressing the transmute button.

All the single ladies.

An army of skeletons.