From 'Best Disaster Reduction' to 'Most Tissue Sales': 2018 mock awards for Mollywood

'Parole' won the award for 'Best Movie Title' for predicting how viewers would feel after coming out of the theatre.

Flix Humour

As 2018 is nearing its end, the Kerala Coconut Film Award Jury was formed to carry on the custom started last year. The jury’s responsibility was to reward the artistes, who had tales of pain to narrate (which was nothing but the pain they inflicted on cine-goers).

In general, there is a notion that the Asianet Film Awards cover all the artistes. But it was found that a lot more award categories and a big section of people who still do disappointing work were left out.

Here is the full list of the Kerala Coconut Film awards and the winners. Take this mock awards list seriously at your own peril.

Most Tissue Sales award – Prithviraj Sukumaran

Continuing from last year’s Adam Joan and Vimanam, Prithviraj kept up with his penchant for tragic stories in 2018 also, with the likes of Koode and Ranam. The viewers have made it a habit to carry boxes of tissues for the actor’s movies. It is learnt that a popular tissue brand has shown interest in signing Prithviraj as their brand ambassador.

The jury made an appeal to the filmmakers to not overburden Prithviraj anymore with constant responsibilities of protecting his wife, parents, kids, siblings, nephews, nieces, neighbours, etc. Meanwhile Shane Nigam expressed his dissent in not winning this award after attempts to catch up with Parava (2017) and Eeda(2018).

Best ’Sathyan Anthikad’ award – M.Mohanan (Aravindante Adhithikal)

It is said the jury needed a lot of convincing to make them believe Aravindante Adhithikal is not a Sathyan Anthikad movie. A jury member said: “How is it even possible? This movie had a pleasant first half. The second half was boring. It also had a protagonist who is an orphan in search of his mother. This is all what Sathyan Anthikad does”.

After the award announcement, Sathyan Anthikad has tried to reach out to the movie’s writer, Rajesh Raghavan, to write for his next movie. But Rajesh has not returned the calls.

Special Jury award – The jury member who named all Kunchacko Boban movies of 2018 correctly

Most people forget about a Kunchacko Boban movie a week from its release. Moreover in 2018, the actor has acted in around nine movies with titles like Diwanjimoola Grand Prix, Kuttanadan Marpappa, Mangalyam Thanthunanena,etc. After sitting through the strenuous screenings of all his movies, the jury was surprised when one of their members could memorize all the movie names. It was decided on the spot to give the 2018 special jury award to this member.

Best Casting award – Nivin Pauly (Kayamkulam Kochunni)

Speaking to the press, writers Bobby-Sanjay said: “We pursued Rosshan a lot to make sure Nivin dons the role of Kochunni. This way we knew that no one would notice all the flaws in our screenplay”.

Director Rosshan Andrrews commented: “Casting Nivin helped us save a lot of time in the technical department. For instance, thanks to Nivin's speed, there was no need to separately convert the action scenes to slow motion”

Best Disaster Reduction award – MT Vasudevan Nair

The jury noted that the contributions of MT Vasudevan Nair to Malayalam cinema were comparable to those of the army and fishermen during the floods. "By filing a suit to get back the script of Randamoozham from VA Shrikumar, the writer was able to avert a huge disaster," they said.

Meanwhile, the makeup man of Odiyan has come out to criticise the jury for not including the Best Makeup category. He said the pain taken to put loads of black paint on Prakash Raj’s face didn’t get its due.

Most Realistic Dialogues award – Poomaram

The jury was of the unanimous opinion that the conversations which Gautham (Kalidas Jayaram) and his father have in Poomaram reminded them of their teenage days. Talking about Lord Byron, Da Vinci, Shakespeare and Michelangelo was what they used to do at their dining tables, too.

The jury had a special mention for the actor who played Kalidas Jayaram’s father, as he seemed solely responsible for making Kalidas look so dull through the movie. The jury also believed that the retakes to make these conversations perfect were the reason behind the movie’s delay of 2-3 years.

Most Selective Actor award – Gokul Suresh

"Landing up in jail, getting beaten up and saying 'I am innocent sir'" – After Masterpiece (2017) and Ira (2018), Gokul Suresh is meticulously building up a career choosing only roles with these traits. Speaking to the media, Gokul said, “I thank Jury for noticing my work. My only disappointment is that Mammootty uncle did not tell me about his brother’s role in Abrahaminte Santhathikal. That had my name written all over it.”

Most Selective Singer award – Mohanlal

The jury found that Mohanlal has been selective and rendered songs in only movies that he has acted in 2018 – Neerali, Drama and Odiyan. After watching these movies, the jury has urged filmmakers to also take the movie scripts to Mohanlal instead of the song lyrics alone.

Best Movie Character award – Hariyettan (Mammootty in Oru Kuttanadan Blog)

The jury cited Oru Kuttanadan Blog as an example of the Malayalam proverb which translates to “The jasmine at one's courtyard does not smell good”. A jury member said, “We praise Tamil movies like 96 and Ratsasan. But if Ram in 96 lost his love in tenth standard, Hariyettan lost his love in fifth standard. If Arun in Ratsasan performed bike chases to catch the serial killer, Hariyettan did the same too (though for no particular reason). Hariyettan was the sum total of all the good lead characters Tamil cinema produced in 2018.”

Best Director award – Sohan Seenulal

It was brought to the jury’s attention that Sohan Seenulal didn’t direct any movies in 2018. But they responded with this statement: “We heard rumours that Sohan is planning to direct in 2019. We didn't even think twice, hoping this award would motivate him to not pursue acting. We also request Mammootty to settle any debts with Sohan that may finally help to break their association on- screen”.

Fastest Writer-Director award – Ranjith Sankar

Ranjith Sankar made four movies in 2017-2018 including Pretham 2 ,scheduled for Christmas. The jury praised the filmmaker’s efforts to get into the Guinness Book of Records for writing and directing most movies in the shortest span – one which he plans to achieve by making more sequels to his own movies.

Meanwhile, the viewers know the existence of the first films only when these follow-up movies are announced.

Best Cameo/Interval block award - CJ Roy (Aadhi)

Both Mohanlal (Kayamkulam Kochunni) and Confident group Chairman CJ Roy (Aadhi) were reported to be in a tight race for winning this category. Both played important cameos. Both came to the rescue of the hero at the interval block. But the jury decided to award Roy, considering his impact and despite the inexperience in the acting field. The punch line – “My heartfelt condolences” helped Roy’s cause.

Best Actor – Siddique/Jagadish, Best Actress – Urmila Unni

The jury found that the best performances in 2018 came from actors off-screen, thanks to the ‘Dileep controversy’. Both Siddique and Jagadish reprised their Govindankutty-Appukuttan act in a press conference. Plastering a smile on their faces, they actually had the anger inside to tear apart each other.

The jury noted that none of the women actors this year was able to match up to the expressions which Urmila Unni gave in the span of a minute before the media. All they asked was a question on Dileep’s membership in AMMA.

Best Music Director award – Sathyan Anthikad

At first, this looked like a technical glitch. But the jury clarified that the award was for Sathyan Anthikad’s ability to always get the same tune produced, despite teaming up with various music directors over the years. The 'Omal Thamara' track from Njan Prakashan, composed by Shaan Rahman, was no different.

The jury realised that Sathyan Anthikad’s sittings with music directors are similar to the scene from Azhakiya Ravanan with Mammootty and Kunchan. The music directors would try to give him new tunes, but he ultimately changes it to his trademark version.

Best Movie Title award – Parole/Oru Pazhaya Bomb Kadha

Parole clearly predicted the emotions of viewers while coming out of cinema halls after the movie. Meanwhile, the jury also commended the honesty of Oru Pazhaya Bomb Kadha's makers, with the title accurately defining the age-old script used in the movie.

Best Lyrics award – 'Freak Penne' (Oru Adaar Love)

The song had lyrics which went like “First bus went. Second bus went. Third bus went”. The jury was appreciative of how the lyricist put efforts and wrote different lines, when he could have easily finished the song by just counting the number of buses till 50 or 60.

Special Message award – Amal Neerad (Varathan)

In this special message, the jury asked Amal Neerad to send the full proper copy of Varathan again. They were convinced that the DVD submitted for screening had lost an important part - one which explains the ‘what’ and ‘how’ of Abin’s (Fahadh Faasil) sudden transformation from a normal guy to a martial arts specialist.

Lifetime Achievement award – VA Shrikumar (Odiyan)

When asked if the award was for Odiyan’s pre-release business of 100 crores, the jury said: “ No. We considered the fact that after the movie release, Shrikumar had earned more flak and strong reactions than most other directors get for a lifetime. We also generally give this award to artistes, hoping they become less active in this field. Initially there was a difference in opinion. But we all came to an agreement after the scene where Manju Warrier says – 'Kurachu kanjhi edukkatte, Manikya'?"

The jury added, “Shrikumar also succeeded in evoking some good old memories. Not the stories of Odiyan that we heard in childhood. But some of the classic movie dialogues like – ‘Avasanam pavanaayi shavamaayi’ and ‘Aliyan ini melaal ee veetil aluva kondu vararuthu’”.