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Maybe it's the heatwave.

The clock's ticking on Brexit, there's a crisis in the NHS and homelessness - and the Tory party is lost in anarchy.

Cabinet ministers are openly insulting each other and Theresa May's policies in what, in normal times, should get them sacked.

But oh my, these are not normal times.

Next week, Theresa May will summon her entire Cabinet to her country retreat Chequers to thrash out their differences and work out a Brexit plan.

Judging by the last few weeks, they're going to have a LOT to talk about.

Here's your ultimate guide to the anarchy engulfing the upper levels of the Tory party.

Meet Theresa May

(Image: PA)

Now meet her worst nightmare, Boris Johnson

(Image: Barcroft Media)

Theresa wants to please everyone

(Image: REUTERS)

Walking computer terminal Theresa May is trying to work out her plan for customs after Brexit.

We know, we know... zzzzzz. If you want to know more it's explained here.

Anyway, she needs to please Brexit-backers, who want a 'Max Fac' plan that will cost more but be independent of the EU.

But she also needs to please Remain-backers, who want a 'customs partnership' that will give up some freedom but have close ties to the EU.

She's summoning the Cabinet to country retreat Chequers next week to sort it out.

And then she needs to please the EU, who are likely to be most displeased.

Not to mention the British public, who are getting pretty fed up.

We don't envy Theresa.

Boris... doesn't want to please everyone

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If Theresa is a functional grey cyborg, Boris Johnson is a big floofy excitable dog.

Last year he sabotaged a big Theresa May speech with a 4,000-word screed about his vision of Brexit.

The gaffe-prone millionaire once said a Libyan town will be a great tourist resort once they "clear the dead bodies away".

He spent 18 minutes chatting to Russian pranksters pretending to be the Armenian Prime Minister.

And he said Donald Trump should take over Brexit talks because "actually you might get somewhere".

Ouch.

According to Boris, her Brexit plans are 'crazy'

(Image: Rex)

Boris Johnson doesn't like Theresa May's plan for a 'customs partnership'.

And he's said so in public.

He said it was "totally untried and would make it very, very difficult to do free trade deals".

He added: "If you have the new customs partnership, you have a crazy system whereby you end up collecting the tariffs on behalf of the EU at the UK frontier."

And he thinks we should 'f*** business'

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At least this time he was in private.

Boris Johnson was accused by EU diplomats of saying "f*** business" - at a reception to celebrate the Queen's birthday.

An ally didn't deny he'd said it - instead telling the Mirror he was "misheard", and was attacking the voice of business, the Remain-backing CBI.

So that's all fine then.

Meet Jeremy Hunt. Weirdly, he took Boris's side

(Image: Surrey Advertiser)

Jeremy Hunt is the Health Secretary. He backed Remain, and is quite pro-EU.

But he took Boris's side, and attacked the plane firm Airbus for warning it could pull out of Britain after Brexit.

"It was completely inappropriate for businesses to be making these kinds of threats," he said.

"We need to get behind Theresa May to deliver the best possible Brexit."

Meet Guto Bebb. He did NOT take Boris's side

Guto Bebb is a Defence Minister, and he's very unhappy with Boris and Jeremy.

He branded their comments "unworthy and inflammatory" and blamed them on "the leadership aspirations of multi-millionaires".

These are literally his colleagues he's talking about.

Now meet Greg Clark. He didn't take Boris's side either, and he's FURIOUS

(Image: Manchester Evening News)

Greg Clark is the Business Secretary, so he's, umm, not keen to "f*** business".

In a slapdown to Jeremy and Boris, he said people should listen to businesses because they put "evidence before ideology".

And he suggested Boris is in fantasy land - "a theoretical exercise in which you take decisions over the lives of people in imagined worlds."

Basically, the Tories are fighting in public...

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This is really unusual. Cabinet ministers are supposed to agree in public, and if they don't, the one who disagrees with the PM gets sacked. It's a long-running convention called 'collective responsibility'.

...And they've realised they won't get sacked

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The problem is, Theresa May just doesn't have any real power. She knows a Tory leadership contest could be just around the corner if she makes any sudden moves. Even if she survives, she hasn't got time to upset the over-laden apple cart of Brexit.

So, COMMENCE BEDLAM!

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We've got Cabinet minister 1 flying off to miss a vote

(Image: David Dyson)

Shameless Boris Johnson faced calls to quit from his own party after fleeing to Afghanistan - to dodge a Commons vote on expanding Heathrow Airport.

The Foreign Secretary once claimed he would lie down in front of the bulldozers to stop the £14bn plan for a third runway.

But this week the mop-haired millionaire wouldn't even give up his job.

We've got Cabinet minister 2 threatening to topple Theresa May

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Gavin Williamson, the Defence Secretary, reportedly warned Theresa May must give him £20billion - or he'll topple her.

The Prime Minister's former enforcer told defence chiefs "I made her and I can break her," according to the Mail on Sunday.

He is said to have demanded Mrs May match her £20bn-a-year of promised NHS funding with his own boost for defence - £20bn over 10 years.

In the latest in a string of leaks from his camp, today it's reported he will be demanding £4billion extra a year instead.

We've got Cabinet minister 3 threatening to resign, which would probably topple Theresa May too

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Remember David Davis?

Just weeks ago, the Brexit Secretary was threatening to resign in a Tory psychodrama over the meaning of an obscure technical customs plan.

That would have thrown Brexit into disarray. Well, more disarray.

We've got Cabinet minister 4 tearing up her entire legacy

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Meanwhile Sajid Javid, the new Home Secretary, is busy dismantling the foundations Theresa May spent six years building at the Home Office.

He's disowned her 'hostile environment' for illegal migrants, vowed to give police more cash, and lifted the cap on visas for doctors coming to the UK.

We've got Cabinet minister 5 openly slagging off her policy

(Image: Getty Images Europe)

Meet Andrea Leadsom. She is the Leader of the Commons. She likes Brexit. She does not like the 'customs partnership'.

In fact, she called it "bureaucratic, unwieldy and impractical". Just days ago.

She added: "The problem with complications, particularly for businesses, they are not keen on more bureaucracy, more red tape. That is potentially a less attractive option for businesses themselves."

The. Customs. Parnership. Is. Government. Policy.

And we've got Cabinet minister 6 joking about 'burning' a colleague

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Meet Liz Truss. She's the Chief Secretary to the Treasury.

Last night, she said in an official speech, which was posted on the government's website: "Government's role should not be to tell us what our tastes should be.

"Too often we're hearing about not drinking too much, eating too many doughnuts, drinking from disposable cups through plastic straw, or enjoying the warm glow of our wood-burning Goves... I mean stoves."

I repeat. She joked about BURNING Michael Gove

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That's right. Just for good measure, she added: "There's enough hot air and smoke at the Environment Department already."

Oh, and she has also slapped down Sajid, Jeremy and Gavin by saying their requests for cash aren't "macho". Bonus points for that.

Even this Tory thinks it's gone too far, which by the way is massively ironic

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Priti Patel said: "We are seeing some rogue behaviour from ministers and I don't think that's acceptable."

Quick reminder: Priti Patel was ousted from the Cabinet for having off-the-books meetings with senior Israeli politicians during what was supposed to be a family holiday.

So why are they all doing it?

Lots of people might just want to be Tory leader

If Theresa May is forced out over Brexit, which many think will happen eventually, there's going to be a vacancy going. By speaking up now, ministers make sure their name is in the frame.

LOTS of people are angry about Brexit

Some people are just cross. They think it's too Brexity or too Remainy. And that's not to mention the Tory backbenchers, like Jacob Rees-Mogg, who we haven't even begun to touch here.

Other people just like to watch the world burn

(Image: Getty Images Europe)

But there's one thing for certain...

... It's going to make Brexit an absolute nightmare