If your company uses Slack, you’re probably confused. Why are there more channels than people? Why is there an #eng-data, an #engineering-data, a #data-engineering, and a #data-eng channel? And why are you in all of them even though you’re a recruiter?

The best way to use Slack is not to. To to ensure that you miss every Slack message, follow these 13 steps below.

Join Every Public Channel

If you’re at a new job (or an old job, or unemployed but from a start-up that’s too disorganized to remove old employees from their Slack workplace), you’ll want to be in every public Slack channel. If not, you might (not) miss something. Are you a marketer who hates burritos? Then be sure to join #eng-burritos, the channel for engineers who love burritos. Sure, you don’t ever want to actually eat a burrito, but the good news is that you won’t ever have to, because it will become extremely difficult to find this channel among the 17,000 others you joined.

Turn On All Notifications

The easiest way to miss every Slack message is to read all notifications. You will start receiving notifications every time someone posts a picture of a cute corgi in the #nude-yoga channel. (Geez, does Harry even realize there are already #cute-corgi and a #cute-corgi-meme channels? He clearly didn’t take as much initiative as you in finding literally every Slack channel to join.) Then, because of how many useless notifications you’re receiving, you’ll throw your phone and laptop into the San Francisco Bay in frustration. Slack problem solved.

Keep Slack Open All Day

The easiest place to get lost on Slack is in it. If you close Slack and then reopen it, you run the risk of having mentally collected yourself enough to actually sort through the million and a half Slack messages awaiting you. So keep it open all day, and you’ll be in a constant state of panic that renders you unable to do anything.

Get Slacks Sent to Your Email

This is the best way to make sure you never read a single Slack message. You will now fill your extra eight hours per day deleting emails you never intended to open, and you won’t have any extra time to sort through Slack messages, if that’s something you had been interested in doing in the first place.

Volunteer to Start the Slack Channel for Every New Product

Are you in charge of your company’s new efforts to expand to Android? Are you now taking the lead on digital marketing? Before doing even an ounce of work — and I mean an ounce—let everyone know you’re starting the Slack channel. This will establish you as the most productive member of the team, and you’ll be off the hook for having to do any additional work, such as reading the Slack messages in the channel you created.

When Someone Tries to Speak to You in Person, Ask Them to Slack You Instead

I cannot stress this enough — in today’s Slackonomy, it’s absolutely rude to approach someone in person. If someone does this, tell them to send you a Slack message. Say it passively-aggressively, though, so they know you’re pissed and, more importantly, so they know there’s absolutely no chance you’re going to read the message. This time, at least, you have an excuse.

Mix Your Personal and Professional Slacks

Slack is actually a dating app these days. Sure, I’ve met only zero people I’ve liked on it, but that makes it a tie with Tinder. Join a bunch of Slacks for fun, and then make sure they all load in the same window as your work Slacks. If this isn’t an option, put in a product request to Slack. Now you’ll have all your communication in one massive, impossible-to-navigate place.

When One Slack Channel Becomes Too Disorganized, Start a New One

Only invite yourself, though, so you don’t have to send or receive any messages.

Walk Around the Office Asking If Slack Is Down

No one really knows how Slack works, so if you sound the alarm and create a sense of panic, people will just assume that some part of Slack is malfunctioning, and you’ll be forgiven for not checking any messages. Note: this does not work if you work at Slack (take it from someone who knows).

When Someone Asks If You Saw Their Slack, Leave All Your Existing Groups and Join New Ones

They can’t Slack you if they can’t find you. Besides, just because you’re a recruiter doesn’t mean you need to stay up-to-date on “recruiting schedule changes” — leave that to the marketing team to sort out.

Smile a Lot

No one Slacks someone who smiles at work. What kind of sociopath would do that?

If You Want to Send a Message Longer Than 8 Words, Put It in 14 Different Channels

You’ll get a lot of responses, but they’re likely to all be the same, so it won’t matter that you can’t find any of them. Besides, you’ll be so sure that you’ve gotten your Very Important message across, and the rest of the team will know how to deal with it. In fact, if you’ve taken the time to craft a Slack message longer than eight words, then you’ve done enough work and should take the rest of the month off.

Suggest That Your Company Switch to Instagram for Professional Communication

Truly, nothing could be more of a cluster than Slack, anyway.