Most likely, you'll wake up Saturday mornings thinking you've been robbed, but soon realize that you've spent the week's money on the silly scraps of teen-age life: school supplies, movies, haircuts, T-shirts. Why waste it? As weak as it sounds, I say save your money. Wait until you can afford something really cool, then indulge. The $50 mini-backpacks can wait.

Now we hit the naughty stuff. In the next four years, you'll inevitably meet up with cigarettes and marijuana. You already know what smoking's like. Haven't you ever been stuck with a puffing relative at a family funeral? Smoking a cigarette yourself is similar -- it tastes nasty and burns your throat. As for pot, it shares smoking's characteristics with one extra benefit: it makes you act really dumb.

But you've been told that before. All teen-agers have. Yet somehow they all end up at a party where somebody offers them a joint, and they have nothing to say but, Uh, sure. Well, here's what you say: Nah, I tried that stuff once; it really messed me up. Proceed to tell a ridiculous anecdote about the time you tried that stuff. If the story's funny enough to get everybody laughing, you'll slip out of the situation. Alternatively, simply shake your head, act uninterested and get into a conversation with somebody else. The quick, silent rebuttal is devastating.

Drinking is also a tricky issue. From an early age, you've seen ads that promise that the moment you crack open a beer, football players will magically pop up on your front porch with bikini-clad girlfriends in tow. Real teen drinking scenes are far less glamorous, I'm sad to say -- we're talking glassy-eyed party-goers slouched on couches. But there's an easy way to handle parties without getting stinking drunk. Take a drink -- anything, whatever they give you -- and walk around pretending to sip it. (You'll need a plastic cup for this trick to work. A glass will give you away.) After an hour, discreetly put the drink down on a table. Nobody will notice this sleight of hand. And it'll be entertaining to watch the inebriation (real or feigned) of others.

Finally, you've got to contend with college. Now, you already know what school is like: you come in; you keep quiet; you don't break anything; you leave. High school is the same, except on the horizon, looming over you, are these monstrosities: the SAT's, the Achievement Tests, college interviews. A word of advice: don't worry so much about college. To be sure, you can learn a lot at a university. At the same time, plenty of successful people -- Thomas Edison, Bill Gates, even my grandfather -- never went, or dropped out as soon as possible. At a high-pressure school like mine, teachers push the idea that your college will absolutely determine your future, but nothing is set in stone. If you want to go, go; but don't freak out about it.

The media present adolescence as hell on earth, chock full of evil cliques (the cliques in grade school are worse), domineering parents and wrenching decisions that will determine the rest of your life. Nah. Adolescence is a time to sit back, make some friends -- and maybe discover what you're good at. Don't believe the hype.