The panel listens to their instructions during the 167th Theater Sustainment Command's 4th annual mock court martial, Aug. 7-8, 2018, at the Calhoun County Courthouse, Anniston, Alabama. (Army National Guard photo by Sgt. Jeremy Dunkle.)

FORT IRWIN, California — Army Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name in a landmark discrimination case with an unlikely defense—he hates everyone equally.

“Am I happy?” asked Lowe when responding to reporters. “Look, I regret that a soldier felt like they were being singled out, but I’m glad that we’ve clarified all the misunderstandings for that little turd.”

Earlier this year, an E-6 in Lowe’s unit had filed several complaints against the NCO for discriminatory behavior. Allegations ranged from repeatedly shouting to complete delinquent training, physically stalking the accuser to dental to confirm appointment, and intentionally assigning staff duty on the night of an Ariana Grande concert when non-refundable tickets had already been purchased. According to sources, Lowe was absolutely floored when the command informed him of the situation, and he was determined to prove his innocence.

“At first, I thought Lowe was being absurd when he claimed to hate everyone equally,” said Army psychiatrist Lt. Col. Penny Cromwell. “I dismissed him, but on his way out, he approached a captain sitting in the waiting area and asked if there was a new regulation that allowed ‘just officers to stick their goddammed hands in their pockets?’ I immediately rushed over and urged him back into my office.”

Cromwell agreed to assist in determining if, in fact, Lowe’s behavior could be attributed to any existing biases or prejudices. Cromwell notified Lowe’s chain of command and arranged for several follow-on appointments to assess Lowe. What followed, according to Cromwell, was a gauntlet of personality surveys, social experiments, and fact gathering from soldiers in Lowe’s current and former units. The findings were groundbreaking.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Cromwell. “What we discovered in Lowe was an extremely sophisticated and consistent level of hate that resulted not one whit from from ethnicity, gender, religion, or any other protected EO category. All of Lowe’s hatred was proportionately scaled by the severity of a person’s deficiencies in professional performance, military readiness, and grooming.”

“In short, Lowe hates what the Army officially calls ‘shit bags,’ and shit bags aren’t a protected category.”

Lowe told jurors, “I’ve never cared about skin color, gender, religion—or whose cheeks someone wants to clap. Shit bags all smell like shit to me, and the bigger the shit bag, the more shit they’re going to get.”