Taking someone for granted is probably one of the easiest things to do. As humans we are programmed to live and love, but we aren’t programmed to truly live each day as if it was our last. I know I didn’t live each day as if my mom or dad, or anyone I cared for, could die. Who does? Living each day in fear isn’t a normal, healthy way to spend your life.

When my mom got sick I was absolutely devastated. My heart actually hurt. My mind was a mess. All I could do was picture the worst possible outcome and all of those led to losing my mom. After her brain surgery I slowly let the scary thought that maybe this was the end evade me. Each day as we took a new step on the journey to become cancer free, as a family, I began to believe that mom may be okay.

Throughout 2015 my family and I watched my mom go through brain surgery, lung removal surgery, radiation, and 12+ rounds of chemo. Throughout the entire first half of this journey my mom went through hell and back. She had her head cut open and part of her front lobe removed with the tumor. Then she had her ribs cut, broken and her right upper lobe removed. She had burning radiation treatments on her head. After all that bullshit she went through excruciating rounds of chemo therapy. For anyone who knows about chemo it is a bitch. It is an intrusive chemical put directly into your bloodstream. It causes memory loss, weight loss due to being physically ill, aching bones, headaches, and hair loss.

I wouldn’t have blamed my mom for giving up.

That first half of her journey was absolute hell. Yet, through it all, my mother was beyond thankful. Thankful she was still here with us. How? She was walking through hell on Earth. I asked her, “How can you be so thankful? Why don’t you just yell and scream at God for letting you go through this pain?” In my mind I told myself, “Britt, God wouldn’t put her body and faith through all this to take her away, maybe there is a reason this is happening.”

I had to watch my mom dry heave from chemo almost every day while still healing from getting her brains pushed around and lung ripped out. She pulled out chunks of her beautiful hair after finishing chemo. She repeated herself at least 10 times a day due to her memory loss. My mom became a different version of herself. Still, she remained hopeful, full of faith, and reminded me everyday how important I was to her. She would hold me while I could barely breathe from crying so hard, and in her fragile arms she would squeeze me and whisper how proud she was to be my mom. What I should have told her but never did was that I was proud to be her daughter. I was so proud that she took “dying” like a fucking champ. But I never did.

It isn’t like I didn’t tell her how amazing she was, or how thankful I still had her in my life. However, as time went on I, like most people, started taking her precious time for granted. She was declared cancer free summer of 2015. After that I foolishly tricked myself into thinking she was going to be okay now. That she was going to go back to normal, and cancer had lost this battle. I let my guard down.

Before long dad, Kyle and I started noticing my mom was beginning to lose the ability to move her left leg. It became a leg drag that went on for a couple months until finally she had to admit something didn’t feel right. MY MOM KNEW. She knew it had come back, or maybe never even left. She knew Cancer had returned. I think deep down we all knew. I know I didn’t want to admit it. After mom went back in January of 2016 the doctors found 6+ tumors in my moms spine, and the worst of all her brain tumor came back.

Mom was dying, and this time the outlook was clear, she was going to be leaving us. Yet, mom thanked God every night for giving her the chance to live a year with us. To be able to spend precious, short time with her family and friends. I think deep down my mom knew she didn’t have long with us. She tried each day to live her life to the fullest. I took that for granted. I took moments and memories I could have with her for granted. I am only human though, and my mom knew that.

The last two months of her life she declined fast. She gave everything she had left to do 15 rounds of radiation to burn the tumors in her spine. Although the doctors think it helped, it was just a way to buy time. All of February mom had radiation and was in and out of the hospital due to the radiation burning her throat so bad she couldn’t eat or drink. After finally getting to go back home we knew she was coming home to die.

So, after she came home for the final time I decided I didn’t want to take one more day for granted with her. I knew in my heart it was a little to late for me to enjoy “normal” time with her, but I had the chance to spend whatever time she had left with her. At nine months pregnant I made the decision to take a leave of absence from work to lay in bed with my mom every single day.

I spent 32+ days straight getting my pregnant ass out of bed, driving to my parents, walking about their huge flight of stairs numerous times, and laid in bed with my dying mom. Some days she would be with it more than others. Some days I would have the goodbye conversations with her, and sometimes we would just hold each other. Other days she was so out of it I knew she had one half of her soul on the “other side”. Those days were the most wearing, saddest, hardest, angriest days of my life (so far).

BUT one thing I didn’t do was take her for granted any of those days. I loved her deeply, even more than I had in the past. I held her closer than I ever thought I could hold someone. I watched her sleep and studied her face, hoping I would remember every goddamn freckle. I know the one, true thing my moms’ journey taught me was don’t take your loved ones for granted. Be a human. Realize you are not untouchable by fate, and you are not invincible. Your loved ones aren’t either. One minute they can be with you and the next gone.

So, everyday live and love. Know one day your end with come, you will meet your maker, but don’t be scared. Accept your journey. If my mom did it with such faith, strength, and grace I owe it to her to do the same with the life she gave me.