Americans, in particular, have been enamored by boobies for fucking forever. The more forbidden the fruit, especially when the “fruit” is a boobie, the more delicious. Hell, when my great grandfather pulled into Staten Island in 1907 (with his wife and children in tow) he didn't remark on the Statue of Liberty as symbol of freedom and hope. Fuck no. He turned to his wife and said, “Chick's got a nice rack.” And guess what? His wife nodded in agreement.



However, America is one of the most sexually prude countries in the world. Although this distinction occasionally has its benefits, such as limiting of the number of dudes who wear banana hammocks at the beach, it also has tremendous drawbacks, such as limiting the number of boobies Americans see on a per annum basis. According to a recent scientific study (conducted amongst my close friends), Americans see, on average, 1.7 boobies each year, and are reportedly “fucking pissed off about it.”



But the answer to seeing more boobies does not lie in wooing chicks, forming relationships, and catching glimpses of titty-tat in the middle of dark, late night boning sessions with "Everybody Loves Raymond" playing the background. Quite the opposite, actually. In order to reach a satisfactory level of boobie viewing, Americans need to take advantage of unsuspecting bystanders, drunk bitches with “anorexia” written on their foreheads, and basically any chick with boobs on her chest and arms attached to her shoulders (scratch that – one arm will do). Thus, I present you with the five essential tips to getting girls to flash in inappropriate situations.

5. Don't be a pussy.

If you want to see titty-tat, you're going to have to man up and be aggressive. Most chicks aren't going to let you glimpse their forbidden fruit if you give up after your first request, particularly if you're not in a private setting. Additionally, you have to be excruciatingly direct when telling these chicks what you want – your best candidates will often be wasted out of their minds. Sometimes the call “Flash!” isn't enough. Sometimes you need to tell her explicitly that you want to see some titty-tat. And sometimes, as I can speak from personal experience, you need to remind her where her shirt and arms are located because she's so fucking (and hilariously) drunk.

4. Use Props.

In the same way that you're supposed to bring a fruit cake to the house of new neighbors, you better bring along some props when you're searching for girls to flash their boobies. Of course, beaded necklaces are the tried and true prop, but anything that's shiny, pretty, or even remotely unexpected will do the trick. If you're willing to paint your dong purple, for example, chicks will be lining up and flashing like no tomorrow. Usually yelling out the words “who wants something purple?!” will bring at least a handful of chicks to your doorstep.

Depending upon your specific location, different props will be more appropriate than others. In situations where there is a large crowd of non-drunk/non-cool bystanders, your best props will be the smallest ones possible. Always – let me repeat ALWAYS – carry around a shiny nickel. Although chicks aren't inherently fond of nickels, if you tell the that it's a brand new “shiny” nickel, you will, at the very least, pique their curiosity.

3. Peer pressure is cool.

Remember how the douchebag who taught alcohol education at your school said peer pressure wasn't cool? Well, guess what? There's a reason he's only seen 2.8 boobies in his entire life, half of which belonged to himself (Hey, I studied boobies in school, not math – just roll with me on this one.) When seeking some boobie flashing, you're best served by stirring up as much competition as possible. Tell one chick that her boobies aren't as well-shaped as the chick standing next to her. Tell another chick that you think she's too afraid to flash and that if she doesn't, you'll send the boobie police to arrest her (She'll have to be wasted or a complete idiot to bite on this one). Basically, do whatever necessary to make these chicks think that THEY are missing out by not flashing, rather than the other way around. Sure, you may feel like an asshole in the morning, but at least you will be an asshole who saw boobies.



Some specific notes on implementing peer pressure:



At The Club – Spill a dark liquid on the candidate's dress, and tell her that all of her friend's are laughing at her stain. Make it clear that if she doesn't take off her shirt, she will probably lose all her friends. And that would suck.



At Work – If you're the candidate's boss, simply tell her that you will fire her if she doesn't flash her boobies. If you aren't her boss, explain that you will lie about her flashing her boobies in the office (which will presumably get her fired) if she doesn't in fact flash her boobies.



Church – Tell the candidate that Mary flashed God all the time, and that's the only reason she got his attention in the first place – and subsequently knocked her up.

2. Don't rape her.

It's one thing to be aggressive on a flash mission, but it's an entirely different beast when your aggression turns physical. Rape, in short, isn't cool - with the obvious exception of those hot teachers who appear in the news every couple years for boning their 15 year old students. (But then again, that's probably not “rape” so much as, hm, I don't know? “A dream come true?”) That said, when your flash candidate demonstrates a genuine desire to show you her boobies, but she's too drunk to lift up her shirt, there's nothing wrong with guiding her hands along the journey. (OK, maybe there are many things wrong with it, but I promise not to judge you if you won't judge me.) Certainly, this tip is the most contentious of the bunch, but often times, it will be the difference between seeing the forbidden fruit and only getting a faint smell of it. Of course, you must be aware of your surroundings, and extra positive that no non-drunk/non-cool friends are watching.



On a related note, many a douchebag is in favor of turning a successful flash into some abbreviated boobie lickage. While I am certainly an advocate of licking as many boobies in my lifetime as humanly/boobily possibly, licking boobie mid-flash falls a little bit too far on the “rape” side of the spectrum. Additionally, odds are that another douchebag has licked that very same boobie earlier in the night, and essentially, you'd be making out with a dude. Which is fine, um, I guess...

1. Don't feel guilty.

Look, if you've read this far in the article, odds are you're a tremendous asshole and/or are completely obsessed with boobies. Either way, you just need to accept your fate and live these tips like they are your mantra – if not for me, if not for yourself, then do it for all those chicks out there that are just dying for some reason to show off their boobies. Their boobies may occasionally be fat, they be saggy, or hell, they may even be downright disgusting. But with these tips in mind, you will see more boobies than you can count and your life won't just be beautiful - it will be boobiful.



Now, my children, you are ready - go forth and yell “flash thy titties!”