INGREDIENTS

1 eager young hostess who wants to prove to her friends that she and her new boyfriend are a serious couple by having a dinner party

1 half of a couple who is always running late

1 couple who are constantly breaking up and getting back together

1 single friend

DIRECTIONS

In a small kitchen, mix together the half of the guests who have arrived on time despite the fact that no one is sure whether “7:30” means “arrive at 7:30” or “arrive an hour late,” like it did in college. Let stand for one hour, until guests are very hungry and slightly irritable.

Slowly incorporate the remainder of the guests, pausing after the addition of each one for the same grating conversation about how easy or hard it was to find the host’s apartment from the subway and what an up-and-coming neighborhood this is. Gently fold the host’s new boyfriend into a discussion about people whom everyone else in attendance used to work with and whom he’s never met.

At this point, the on-again, off-again couple should be stewing, having revealed themselves to be off-again through a tense disagreement about which one is responsible for their lateness. Separate the couple and set aside to chill.

Meanwhile, allow the single guest to marinate in her insecurity about being the only unattached person there.

When all the guests have arrived, whisk the conversation about the neighborhood into a frothy lament of gentrification. Skim over the fact that the party’s attendees all live in condos built in the past year.

Add wine.

Heap a large quantity of praise on the host’s cooking. When she worries aloud that the chicken isn’t fully cooked, vigorously massage her ego by reassuring her that it is. (You may have to repeat this step more times than you think are necessary.)

Let the guy whose girlfriend is still running late mince his words while pontificating on a relatively esoteric current-events issue. Listen until it becomes clear that he made it through only one relevant “longread” on his lunch hour. Grill him about specifics until he is unable to clarify his point and is rendered speechless. Meanwhile, sprinkle each couple’s speech with “we” statements, adding a subtle flavor of competition to the mélange.

Each guest should, at some point, look around and offer a lukewarm comment about how “grownup” it is to be having a dinner party. Congratulate one another on the genius of “just hanging out with friends without having to go to a noisy expensive bar,” as though you’ve personally invented the concept of home entertaining. Garnish with more compliments about the chicken, which there is nowhere near enough of.

Next, embroil the guests in a “theoretical” discussion of the merits of non-monogamous relationships. Adding more wine every few minutes, reduce to a simmering fight between the on-again, off-again couple about “what constitutes human nature.”

Before long, the couple’s words will begin to turn dark and brittle. Be sure not to crowd them, so that bystanders don’t get burned.

Lighten the mood by allowing the single guest to offer a terrible story about her dating life. Let everyone else steep in pity for this person, before deglazing.

Blend several imperceptibly different opinions on an issue that everyone in attendance basically agrees upon. By this point, wine will have loosened up the guests enough for one of them to say something stupid in an attempt to be provocative. Expose him to the low flame of the other guests’ judgment until he begins to turn slightly pink. Then let him blanch as he frantically defends his stupid position further, insisting that he’s only “playing devil’s advocate.”

Bring the argument to a boil, then remove the devil’s advocate from the heat by letting him storm out to “have a cigarette.” The remaining mixture of guests should bubble into nervous laughter. After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, you should begin to hear sighing, yawning, and perfunctory offers to help with the dishes.

Once each couple has been sifted out of the apartment, they will cool off by affectionately bad-mouthing the other guests on the train ride home.

Yields one large headache and the desire to abstain from socializing for several weeks. ♦