TUSCALOOSA, AL—Having traversed such unforgiving but target-rich environments as the Texas hill country and the swamplands of the Deep South, University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban finally returned Wednesday from a two-year recruiting expedition with 94 blue-chip players, sources confirmed. “I spent months patiently tracking some of these All-Americans, but in the end it was worth it,” said Saban, describing the grueling 12,000-mile trek that saw him score such rare and prized prospects as a 350-pound defensive tackle and 13 wide receivers with 4.3 40 times. “It’s all about setting the bait by flashing the national championship rings and promises about playing time, and then you just have to sit and wait. I could’ve easily picked off another dozen three-stars, but honestly I wouldn’t have had room in my pickup for all of them. It was tough being away from my family for so long, although when it was all said and done, this really was the recruiting trip of a lifetime.” Saban declined to comment, however, on allegations that he was caught on Auburn University’s grounds attempting to poach players eligible for a fifth-year transfer.

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