Weary nation prepares for Tory pact with Brexit party after Boris categorically rules it out

The nation’s weary voters are today preparing for an electoral pact between the Conservatives and Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party, after Boris Johnson categorically ruled it out.

A spokesperson for the prime minister said that “Neither Nigel Farage or Arron Banks are fit and proper persons and they should never be allowed anywhere near government”, seemingly unaware of the unremitting production line of malevolent arseholes who seem to find themselves jobs at the heart of number 10.

Voter Simon Williams channelled most of the voting public when he said, “Oh for fuck’s sake.

“I had pretty much ruled out Boris and Farage getting together – I just couldn’t see how those two egos would possibly fit inside one political team – but now that Boris has said it definitely won’t happen, I can’t see any future in which it doesn’t.

“His track record as far as political honesty goes is far from stellar, and if he’d just stayed silent I could have believed it was never going to happen – but not now he’s so publicly ruled it out.

“In fact, the only way I would believe a pact with the Brexit Party wasn’t going to happen, is if he drove a big red bus around the country insisting that it was.”

Political commentators have insisted that an alliance with the Brexit Party could be a ‘marriage of convenience’, though they have admitted using the term ‘marriage’ for any promises Boris makes to someone else is probably stretching the metaphor beyond breaking point.

I’m voting for the side with the fewest arseholes – get the t-shirt!