Congratulations, you and your children have unwittingly stumbled across ...

What could make for a more wholesome family vacation than dragging your children on a tour of famous statues and sculptures around the world? Sure, they're likely to be bored out of their minds, but it's better than little Billy staying home and browsing filth on the Internet. But then, while visiting an old church or park, suddenly ... penises. Penises everywhere . "Oh God, why are there so many penises? Look away, little Sally! Wait, no, don't look over there! Is that a clitoris?"

5 The Sex Contortionists of San Pedro de Cervatos

Ecelan/Wikimedia

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If there's one tourist attraction on Earth you'd think you could rely on to not be full of stone sculptures of taints and nut sacks, it would be a church. It seems like a safe assumption, but you know what they say about assumptions making an ass out of you and religious structural supports.

via Relatos de Arte

Such guesses make you sound like you have your head up your ass.

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The carvings on the northern Spanish church of San Pedro de Cervatos feature pretty much every perversion you can imagine, including animal sex, masturbation, grotesquely engorged genitals, and auto-fellatio made possible by some rather impressive flexibility. Here's a carving of a man who appears to be eating his own severed penis:

Ecelan/Wikimedia

It was too short to reach his mouth, so he ripped it from its socket.

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This 12th century house of worship is also known as St. Peter of Fawns, which sounds charming until you see the carvings and start to wonder precisely what it was Peter was doing with those poor deer.