Ban All Large Semi-Automatic Assault Cars (BALSAAC)

Dear Sir/Madam,

With the steady stream of automobile accidents in our state, cities across Massachusetts have decided to lower their speed limits from 30mph to 25. We the concerned citizenry of The Commonwealth have decided that this simply is not enough to combat this epidemic. Every year 1.3 million Americans die from car accidents, a number that has risen year over year. After the mass accident at Logan Airport this July we cannot stand idly by anymore. Enough is enough.

That’s why we are joining together in calling on Governor Baker, Attorney General Maura Healey, and all the Massachusetts legislature to Ban All Large Semi-Automatic Assault Cars (BALSAAC). BALSAAC will ban the sale and possession of all black large capacity so-called “sport utility vehicles” with semi-automatic transmissions. It is clear to any reasonable person that these assault cars were designed for no other purpose than to run over as many people as possible. Additionally, it will ban all cars that possesses two or more of the following features:

An adjustable driver's seat

A transmission grip that protrudes conspicuously from the center console

A noise/flash supressor, aka '"muffler"

A fuel tank capable of holding more than 10 liters

A metallic representation of testicles which hangs below the rear license plate

Furthermore BALSAAC contends that if 30mph speed limit signs cannot stem the tide of speeding, the solution is put up more signs! Beneath every speed limit sign we must affix notices that this state is a “speeding free zone”. If that does not work we will create an additional tax on gasoline to fund a speeding prevention program. In an epidemic like this, the worst thing we can do is nothing at all.