I used to watch movies religiously, but I don’t anymore. I’d like to say this is because I now devote my time to more mature endeavors such as “perusing The New Yorker” or “volunteering with the underprivileged,” but really it is because I can’t stand watching films with other people. Sorry, my tolerance for clueless blabber masquerading as insight just isn’t as high as it used to be. It’s a medical condition or something. Watching movies should not be, theoretically, a complex activity. You wouldn’t think you’d have to explain to folks how to sit still with their eyes open and absorb images—I’m pretty sure people have been doing that intuitively since their Lacanian mirror stage—but the idiocy of the population is ceaseless and vast.

Below is a partial list of the medley of morons you’ll likely encounter at any viewing party. If you find yourself represented here, don’t blow a gasket; I’m not aiming to offend anyone (only particular, especially annoying people. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, TRAVIS). Really, you should use the criticism as an opportunity to better yourself as both a viewer of movies and, almost as importantly, as a person. Then you should send me money because helping people improve their lives is what heroes like Chef Tony and Paleo Diet proselytizers do. If those folks can be obscenely wealthy, I see no reason why my advice doesn’t warrant similar monetary compensation.

Anyway, onwards with the list (in no particular order and with no particular mind paid to the fact that “dude” is a gendered word. Women can be ignorant and obnoxious, too)…