A new theory out of Victoria University in Melbourne suggests that the Australian accent is not (as previously thought) the product of blending dialects, but is actually the result of Australians continually getting shit-faced together.


“Our forefathers regularly got drunk together and through their frequent interactions unknowingly added an alcoholic slur to our national speech patterns,” says public speaking and communication lecturer Dean Frenkel. “…Aussie-speak developed in the early days of colonial settlement from a cocktail of English, Irish, Aboriginal and German – before another mystery influence was slipped into the mix.”

But Frenkel isn’t having anymore of this Australian slur speak:

“The average Australian speaks to just two thirds capacity – with one third of our articulator muscles always sedentary as if lying on the couch; and that’s just concerning articulation. Missing consonants can include missing ‘t’s (impordant), ‘l’s (Austraya) and ‘s’s (yesh), while many of our vowels are lazily transformed into other vowels, especially ‘a’s to ‘e’s (stending) and ‘i’s (New South Wyles), and ‘i’s to ‘oi’s (noight).”


As The Telegraph remembers, Winston Churchill once called the Australian accent “the most brutal maltreatment which has ever been inflicted upon the mother tongue of the great English speaking nations.” (Note: Churchill died before Bob Dylan could really peak.)

But outside of the brutal tactics of colonialism, fighting trends in language is typically a losing battle. The drunken Australian accent—like uptalk (another staple of the Aussie dialect) and vocal fry—is will remain until it naturally develops into something else.

Good onya, Australia! Keep being your sloppy selves and inflicting your brutal maltreatment onto the mother tongue of the great English speaking nations.

Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com .