Here at Bhavana during the months of January and February we go into what is called seclusion. This is a time of just a handful of visitors and no retreats This is a good time of the year to do this I’ve come to find out, as the weather can really put a hamper on travel and make the small winding mountain roads quite dangerous.



This reminds me of why the monks have what is called the Vassa. This was implemented by the Buddha 2600 years ago as a time during the monsoon season of India where traveling was not very safe and caused a lot of trouble, so during those three months(July to October), monks stay in one place and don’t travel.



During these past two months, all monastics and residents split into two “teams”. In January one team works and maintains the monastery while the other is in seclusion, for February the teams switch. There is no guidelines or rules regarding your seclusion. You can use this time however you wish, in essence it is like having a month off where you don’t have to help out in the monastary and you only need to see anyone during breakfast and lunch. You could slack around and be on the internet and go to town/visit people, or read books or you could do 12 hours of meditation a day. Bhante G does not send the meditation police to check in on you and make sure you are following rules and expectations.



This year I was on the work team for January and in seclusion all Feburary. January was a time of hard work, but it was also nice because the workload was a lot less then normal and I actually had a lot of time for meditation and more personal time.



Now we come to February. Ever since hearing about this seclusion period years ago when I first started visiting Bhavana, I had thoughts about what I’d do with my seclusion. I remember hearing stories from Ajahn Brahm and various other monks talking about not seeing anyone for 6 months and stuff like that and I thought “oh man thats probably really cool!, I should try that for my seclusion!”



I had no delusions that I would meditate 7-10 hours a day and nothing else, I’m just not to that point yet physically or mentally. What I did want it to be was a time of real seclusion, a month long retreat if you will. This is why I chose a self imposed no internet/no phone ban as well as to only rarely see/speak with any other residents and monks , just when I absolutely needed to. Even though I have my car with me I also had no plans to leave the monastery grounds.



I wanted to really test myself this month, to put myself in a situation where I had very limited means to escape my mind. I did not put any expectations on forcing myself to do it the whole month, but I wanted to see how far I’d make it. My plan was to spend my days doing a mix of reading, meditating, writing, walking/hiking, yoga, and begin in earnest my study of the ancient Pali language, which is important for my hopefully future life as a monk and knowing the words of the Buddha. I even made myself up a little “schedule” to try and keep to so that I would not become lazy and do stuff just whenever I felt like it. I’ve found in my life that when you have a variety of priorities and limited time, setting up some kind of schedule allows you to get it all in. This was how it worked for me in lay life and it still works living at the monastary.



So on the night of January 31st I said my virtual and phone goodbyes for a month and shut it all down. I was both excited and a little anxious about the month ahead. I had fleeting worries about feeling claustrophic essentially spending 30 days in my room, but I jokingly said to myself I could pretend like I was in a spaceship on the way to Mars. I planned to do a daily journal but that only lasted the first few days, which felt more like my normal day off then anything more long term. In those first three days I did take it a little easy, being a bit lazy as a break from doing 30 days of work with no days off in January, I did my walking, my meditation, and lounged around starting some reading.



When I decided to “get going”, I started to follow the little schedule I made, but then quickly realized that I had naturally fell into a different schedule and went with that. I’ve found that scheduling your life isn’t a bad thing, so long as you are adaptable and flowing with change and not rigid about it. I started the Pali lessons and I got really into them. The book I was learning from was very simple and made things easy step by step, at least in the beginning. I spent many hours those first few weeks translating close to 600 sentences into and out of Pali. My head was swimming with terms I had not heard or used since my days of Latin class in High School: Nominitive, Accusative, Ablative, Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my! I do think that I over did it because by the last week and a half I was just so done with Pali, but I made it 1/3rd of the way through the book so I think I started my lessons on the right foot and I have a good basis for future learning now.



I got a good start on setting up a yoga routine, which I’ve been wanting to do since I came to Bhavana. I’m doing a lot more kneeling and sitting on floors now than I ever have in my life. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten what a chair looks like, and the adjustment has not been very easy on my body, so it has become very important for me to do things like yoga for greater hip mobility and the like. I have to be careful though because I noticed that If I did too much activity in one day I became light headed and weak. After doing all the exercise I use to do in lay life it is quite an adjustment to making sure I’m feeling ok after 40 minutes of light yoga and a 40 minute walk/hike in one day. I’ve lost around 40lbs since coming to Bhavana and I just really can’t do much, not on just two meals a day, which of course are small for me because of my weight loss surgery. It has been an adjustment in trying to find a good balance.



I spent some time writing on some of my “secret projects” that I have planned. I also had time to contemplate my life and take stock of some things. I wrote letters of gratitude to many family and friends, thanking them for what they’ve done for me over all these years. Even though I’m set on my path and happy to be where I am and doing what I’m doing, it’s still not an easy thing to leave a life behind and start a new chapter far away from everything and everyone you know. Gratitude is also an important part of the practice, so I wanted to make sure everyone knew how I felt. There is something about handwriting a letter that really makes a difference compared to a text, email, or pm. It means something more, and I appreciate those who send letters to me here as well.



I started to learn more about astronomy and at night would look at the stars and try to identify many of them. I also spent a good week and a half hiking up the mountain behind the monastery and really exploring and mapping the area. It was a fun excursion and a bit of exercise. I took in some really pretty views as well. I also got back into walking. I use to walk the mountain roads here every day when I use to visit and for retreats, but since coming to Bhavana full time I’ve always felt “too busy” and it wasn’t as much of a priority for me. I’m determined to walk now a nice two mile lap at least three times a week. If I want to live as long as Bhante G has I need to get moving! He still enjoys his 4 miles a day when the weather and conditions are good.



The thing I spent the most hours doing this seclusion was reading, by far. The far majority of it was reading Buddhist discourses and books from monks and the like, but I did read some science/educational and a bit for pleasure. I really limited my non Buddhist reading because I knew if I let myself I could use it as an escape and it would also be too much in my thoughts.



In the years preceding my coming to Bhavana, and since then, I continue to lessen my load of items owned, I’m really down to nothing much at all, except a lot of books. I decided a few months back to start giving those away as well, books are heavy and take up a lot of space! One of the last things I did this seclusion was get through a lot of books in my “Buddhist library” I had not read yet, I had this overwhelming need to “get rid” of them and now I’ve donated a bunch of books to Bhavana. I’m not quite sure if this drive to “get through” these books was a good or a bad thing this seclusion, probably a bit of both. It does seem to have become a bit of an addiction to give away stuff and have less. Now I don’t have to “worry” about getting to them during the normal days..good or bad, I don’t know.



The first two and a half weeks were joyful and happy, busy and fun. The last week and a half though I noticed a difference in my mood and emotional state. It was hard to pin down exactly what I was feeling but I think it was a mixture of things. Firstly I came to realize that my time was coming to an end which actually did make me feel a little sad. I had never before gone through so long of a period of having a clear mind. Imagine having little to no thought in your mind for hours at a time, it was quite nice actually.



At the same time towards the end I think I really started to yearn for human socialization. Now Don’t get me wrong I had spoken to other residents and monastics a handful of times, almost always when spoken to first, so It’s not like I didn’t see anyone for a month, but the seclusion and self imposed disconnection was starting to definitely be “felt” more then it was the first 2/3rds of the month. I think I also felt a little bit of the remnants of my old depression coming around as well, as it often does from time to time, although much rarely since my practice took off years back.



I actually expected to have more of these types of mindstates and feelings then I did, and more often then just towards the end. So it really wasn’t all that bad, but I can admit to having some feelings of lonliness as the night descended and the shades went down.



There are some family members and friends who worry about me doing these kinds of things and feel sorry that I put myself in these situations. Of course it is always hard on us to watch a loved one “suffer” but we Buddhists know more about the nature of suffering then anyone, and we choose to not run away from it, but to meet it head on, and to know it fully through the development of wisdom. You don’t grow, nor do you develope wisdom, without at least some struggle. So I hope no one ever feels sorry or worried over me being here, because I am where I want to be, on this journey that I am choosing to undertake, and I’ve yet to regret one second of it.



Lastly, My meditation during the seclusion was nothing special or impressive. No real big insights, but defenite expansion of previous insight and lots of mental practice, on and off the cushion. I can’t say I really “officially” meditated more hours then normally here at Bhavana, but being stuck with my mind for a month was an experience worth going though and I learned a lot watching my mind “off the cushion”. It was not easy but through my practice I’ve developed enough detatchment from thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I can really stay with them and not run away into some kind of distraction. Doing something like this puts your mind trapped in a corner, with little to no escape(well other then books…or looking at mountains.. the mind will try to find a way!) and this is where you can really begin to see things, habits, tendancies, that you don’t see in the normal hustle and bustle of life.



What insight I did have from the totality of this retreat and which lead to a unique experience I’ll be posting about in the next blog, was that even though I’ve “left the world” I’m still way to much of what they call a “human doer” instead of a “human being”. Perhaps part of it is because I’ve only been out of the “rat race” for 6 months, but even here at the monastary I felt the need to be DOING something, especially my blog, and all of the various stuff I want to do for Bhavana, from video recording to setting up dana and a working on the grounds, I have a very strong desire to help Bhavana in any way I can, but I’m just one person and my practice has to come first. When I first came here I was told about the “Bhavana Dragon” (meaning all the work and everything that “has to be done/could be done/should be done” here at Bhavana), I sure fell into it’s trap. There is and always will be more work that needs to be done here at Bhavana then the small amount of residents here could ever finish. That being said though I have my suspecisions that “doing” and “being” are much more mental states then about physical action. I’m sure you could be very busy with physical activity and still be a “human being”.



These first six months were just far to busy DOING, and not enough time BEING. I want to make changes to making sure I’m being more and doing less, including working in the monastery less where I can, cutting down on the time I spend on my blog, and having a few days a week that are designated “no internet” days. In all honesty I really did enjoy 30 days with no internet/phone connection. I can’t say there was one time where I really wanted to have the internet, except for when I wanted to look up facts for certain things, but I really did not feel I “missed anything” being disconnected. I rather enjoyed it, but I always have, I’ve just never tried it for more then the normal 7-9 days of retreats. I made it the whole month, and I’m happy I did, now I have to wait a whole other year for a month alone with myself, Dang it :).

