Hi iamagorilla,

I saw your profile on OKCupid, and I think we should meet. At first I thought this kind of public display would be too forward, but then I remembered: you’re a gorilla. Public displays are your thing.

Unfortunately, OKCupid deleted your profile too quickly and I wasn’t able to message you through the site. I hope you find this and respond. I have posted a screenshot of your profile here to make sure you are the gorilla in question. Others please refrain from inquiries—I am only interested in this special gorilla.

A little about myself: I am a blogger. This is surprisingly similar to being a gorilla. We are rarely upright in the two-legged stance, and are not required to bathe regularly. As such, a grooming partner would be welcomed. We also enjoy prolonged periods of snacking and napping.

Here are things that may differ between us: we are less hairy as a whole (although I cannot speak for some members of our species), and bloggers are not at risk of extinction. In fact, our population is going through an alarming upsurge. But perhaps you can relate to our competition for survival? Oh, and I think Wes Anderson’s a little overrated. I have, however, always had a soft spot for Mighty Joe Young.

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But all that aside, I think you and I would be an excellent match. I am also threatened by staring, sudden motions, and arm waving, but I love bearing offspring and men with long incisors.

Given the responses from inferior females, you should seriously consider my offer. We could live half of our lives in cyberspace, the other half in the jungle.

A big thanks to Matt Ruby for showing me your profile on his blog. He is a very good matchmaker.

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