One of the nation's premier peddlers of reality television has announced their newest unscripted reality show, "Bottles on ICE," a show dedicated to the exotic travels and intriguing social life of Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan.





The news should not be surprising, after Ryan had a starring role in HBO's Hard Knocks, had a cameo in P Reign's video for DnF, featuring Drake and Future, and of course his extensive coverage on popular celebrity gossip website TMZ.





Per the press release:



Spike TV has partnered with world-renowned celebrity and quarterback, Matt Ryan and 495 Productions, famous for creating the Jersey Shore, for a development deal to create and produce compelling and impactful unscripted programming for the network.

The goal is to give sports fans an unprecedented look at the exciting and fast-paced life of a major celebrity athlete, inspiring the audience while entertaining them."We’re thrilled to be in business with Spike as they build a brand with universal appeal," said Ryan. "Over the next year and beyond we’re going to deliver compelling and outrageous programming to entertain, inspire and provide just the right amount of shock and awe to its growing audience base. It’s an exciting partnership, and 495 Productions and Spike are coming to win."



The show will reportedly follow Ryan, as well as a group of his friends referred to as "The Fireballers," as they dance, drink Fireball whiskey, solve mysteries, and get in skirmishes with the locals at clubs, yachts, and recording studios in exotic locations like Daytona Beach, Orlando, Myrtle Beach, Neptune, and Cancun.



Cameras catch the studious Ryan meticulously breaking down game film while his private jet, "Jägerbomb 1," takes him to nonstop party destinations between football games. Ryan, who raps the intro to "Bottles on ICE," meets with his good friends 2 Chainz, Gucci Mane, and Flavor Flav while narrowly arriving at the Georgia Dome in time for kickoff!

Per the press release, Ryan will attend "foam parties" during spring break, frequently removing his shirt while "raving," exposing a large back tattoo of his own face. The first clips from the reality show include Ryan placing $50,000 bets on roulette tables in Vegas, putting all of his money on "2" because, "2 don't lose." He lost a lot of money.

Ryan's Instagram has clips of himself and the Fireballers putting their detective skills to work, where they try solving the mystery of Captain Moody's Ghost, or later looking for evidence regarding Iran's uranium enrichment program. The group engages in other activities, including skydiving laser tag and parkour through the Georgia Dome.

The show is scheduled to debut in the fall, filling in the spot between "Manswers" and "Animal Death Match" that was vacated after public controversy with Spike's new show, "Is That Butt Real?" Ryan will directly compete with Kroy Biermann's own reality television show, "Tardy to the Party."

Ryan* was interviewed by a few different publishers about the reality show. According to the interviewer, the results were mixed.

When we walked into his suite, it was abundantly clear that Ryan wasn’t ready. The room was a wreck with empty handles of Fireball and half-finished Coronas strewn across counter tops and Cheetos pummeled into the carpet.

Things did not really improve from there. Asked about his superstar celebrity status, Ryan had this to say:

Um, more of an icon than a superstar. ‘Cause superstars, you know, I don’t know what a superstar does. I just know what an icon does, and that’s whatever you want to do and it’s trendsetting. You know? It’s real cutting-edge.

Matty Ice let everyone know he lives life dangerously.

So what was it like for you coming up?

Who? You.

I don’t know. I don’t even know what I did yesterday. I’m trying to look for tomorrow. I don’t like to look at the past. If I buy a new car, I rip the rearview mirror off because I don't like to look back. I love that. You don’t really do that though, right?

Why not? Because it’s dangerous…

Ah, [expletive] danger.

The reality television show finished taping on April 1st, a day the Falcoholic makes terrible April Fools' jokes.

*Interview quotes are actually from rapper Riff Raff, who I like to think is Matt Ryan's spirit animal