One of the things my therapist told me I think on like, the second session, was that he thought I should see a psychiatrist too, and start on some medication.

I remember being flabbergasted that he would suggest it so nonchalantly. It was right at the end of a session, and I was like, wait, can we slow down and discuss the merits of this decision over the following like, what, one or two decades? I just assumed that drugs were such an extreme thing to do, and could have a crazy impact on what made me, well, me. Besides which, I didn’t even really understand the difference between a psychiatrist and a therapist (of which some still are psychologists- the whole damn thing is fucking confusing, and I think that plays a large part in why some people avoid seeking treatment. Anyway, a psychiatrist can prescribe and discuss medications, therapists do the more the “traditional” therapy you see on TV. Although all of them can kind of be all of the others, or none of the others, or some mixture. It’s confusing. tl;dr if you’re still confused: do what I did and start with a therapist, and he or she will definitely be able to help you out if you need a referral for specialization from there.)

Anyway, drugs. I find it kind of darkly amusing in retrospect that, ahem, some people will snort, chug, or smoke anything put in front of them as long as it’s between the hours of 11pm Friday - 5am Saturday, but when it comes to taking “actual” drugs they start getting cold feet. You’re changing your brain chemistry either way, and depending on the drug, sometimes permanently. So yeah, it’s worth having some concern about, of course, but presumably you’re at the point where you’re looking to make a permanent change anyway. I won’t be as pithy as to trot out the oft-quoted David Foster Wallace passage on suicide and burning buildings, but he has a point. Sometimes it’s easier to jump, even if the change is permanent.

I’m really, really, really lucky. I can’t really stress that enough. Therapy worked well for me, and in combination with the correct medication for me, things started dramatically changing in a matter of a month or three. I know this, because one of my friends was put on the exact same medication almost the exact same day for anxiety and we compared notes daily at first, then weekly, then after a month or two. I had fairly minimal side effects and was mostly seeing upside, but she was seeing all of the side effects that I just hadn’t seen at all. She eventually tapered off it (a process which unfortunately also can be less-than-stellar) and had to try something else.

So yeah, there’s a risk. And for some people, drugs just don’t work for them. Or therapy just doesn’t work for them. Some people are luckier than others and their brain just eats those new chemicals up and things change dramatically.

That was me. After slowly tapering up over a month or so, I hit a good dose for me: still on the low end of a therapeutical dose, so if I needed it I could luckily crank it up higher later on, but still high enough for me to feel a marked improvement.

I started feeling happy.

Things didn’t bother me as much. I become more productive. I did more things. Saw more people. Enjoyed more things.

I get why some people are worried about meds “taking over” and losing your true self, but I also know that the reverse can be true: I don’t think I was actually myself until starting about a year ago, a few months after I started therapy and drugs. Like… literally never, not in my adult life. I was always in a fog, and was always trying to make up for the signals that my brain was misfiring. Life became crisp and clear now. It was like getting your first pair of glasses. I mean, I’m assuming. My eyes are also turning to shit, so I should probably do something about that too sometime.

I went on the medium-level dose for about nine months and slowly started tapering off. I didn’t have many side effects, but the minor ones I had were worth seeing if I could go without. I tapered for something like three months, and took my last tiny dose last week. I’m still getting the occasional “brain shocks” some people get with withdrawal, but should be fairly free and clear in another week or so.

I would have been fine staying on it longer, and indeed I know some people will take medications for years, sometimes their whole life. I’m just giving you one data point here- the important thing to realize that it is one data point, and there’s no right answer. Everyone’s different, and everyone has different tradeoffs and motivations. Literally all that matters is that you’re a happier human, and fuck everything else.