"Perhaps you should try it without your tops."





What follows is a mind-numbingly monotonous beach grab-ass montage where the cheerleaders and a couple of the "teenage football players" engage in a battle of who can cram the most sexual innuendo into every sentence they speak. The tacky disco music only makes it worse:









If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do — after throwing a rock at a dinosaur — would be to travel back to late 70's California and inundate sexy-as-hell Sharon with obscene propositions until she had sex with me. Good lord woman! Are you on Tinder? Oh wait ... where was I again? Yeah, the beach. The shenanigans continue as the football coach laments over Steve, his quarterback, getting enough fluids before burying his beach balls in Debbie's low tide. Patti, sitting alone, has a foreboding sense that "something is going to happen". Care to extrapolate on that a little? Just when I think this scene is finally going to end, a group from Baker High School arrive:





"Well, OUR school is more ethnically diverse than yours!"





murdered by her husband assassinated by a squad of ninjas. They settle the land dispute the same way Caucasians have been in affluent neighborhoods nationwide. By chicken fighting. I'll spare you the details of this epic battle and just tell you that Benedict High wins thanks to curvy Sharon. I wouldn't skimp on a 4-hour nap. She gets the jacuzzi suite for the whole night! I ain't fuckin' around! Sorry, gotta focus. Baker High swears to toilet paper their campus in retaliation for this humiliating loss.

It's finally time to introduce some satanists! A dark ceremony is taking place and ... look! It's Yvonne De Carlo from The Munsters! Yvonne is Emmy, a satanic high priestess, who gives some stuttering jackoff the "blood of darkness" to drink in exchange for Satan's help in punishing those that mock him — mainly, his stutter. The man who is seeking revenge via the living incarnation of all that is evil is Billy, a rotund, mustachioed janitor at Benedict High. That seems kinda petty to ask Satan to take time out of his busy day of damning souls to the pits of Hades for eternity just to smack around a couple of snotty teenagers that think you're a fucking creep. Anyway, he downs the concoction and has this pendant draped around his neck:



Uh, you're doing it wrong.

What fucking scab satanists are these guys? Anyone who's dabbled in the black arts — it was my major in community college — knows that satanic pentagrams always should be pointing downward! The goat head anyone? So much for Ol' Scratch helpin' a brotha out because no sooner than after quaffing the demonic drink does Billy get stuck cleaning the aftermath of Baker High's TP-ing. He pauses to watch the cheerleaders practice while three of the football players — in street clothing — practice. You have the black guy at center and Steve at running back? Does Greydon think he's directing science fiction now? The fucking coach just called him his quarterback a few minutes ago. Get your football positions straight Clark! DO NOT FUCK WITH ME ON THIS! Steve flops in front of the cheerleaders inciting another letters-to-Penthouse scenario where all the girls suddenly believe his pecker has Godlike powers. Sharon is looking particularly yummy wearing a red jersey:

Lookin' for 10? I can only offer five 6 1/2 I mean, 8!

Billy breaks up the faux orgy and threatens to tell the coach. Steve snaps back that the coach won't keep his job as long as he doesn't play. No play, no game, no cheerleaders. You get the point. Billy chides them for their derision and waddles off as the girls giggle at his hasty retreat. In all honesty, they were being assholes to the poor shlub. I'm actually gonna side with the satanist at this particular moment. Ms. Johnson arrives in time to witness Baker High take a victory ride onto the football field in a Cadillac that looks like it was taken from Bishop Don "Magic" Juan. A fight ensues. Water balloons are employed liberally. Wet t-shirts? None. The football coach breaks it up and suspends Steve. Ms. Johnson promises to talk to the coach and tells her girls to get ready for the game.



You, my dear, have "star" potential! Shower time! How many schmucks waited in the theater with their pants around their ankles for this moment? Ms. Johnson and the girls enter the locker room where Billy is suspiciously loitering in front of. Take titillating and remove the tit. A couple of bare bottoms are offered save for Patti: The blonde Baker student is played by Robin Greer, who was a friend to Nicole Brown Simpson before she wasassassinated by a squad of ninjas. They settle the land dispute the same way Caucasians have been in affluent neighborhoods nationwide. By chicken fighting. I'll spare you the details of this epic battle and just tell you that Benedict High wins thanks to curvy Sharon. I wouldn't skimp on a 4-hour nap. She gets the jacuzzi suite for the whole night! I ain't fuckin' around! Sorry, gotta focus. Baker High swears to toilet paper their campus in retaliation for this humiliating loss.It's finally time to introduce some satanists! A dark ceremony is taking place and ... look! It's Yvonne De Carlo from! Yvonne is Emmy, a satanic high priestess, who gives some stuttering jackoff the "blood of darkness" to drink in exchange for Satan's help in punishing those that mock him — mainly, his stutter. The man who is seeking revenge via the living incarnation of all that is evil is Billy, a rotund, mustachioed janitor at Benedict High. That seems kinda petty to ask Satan to take time out of his busy day of damning souls to the pits of Hades for eternity just to smack around a couple of snotty teenagers that think you're a fucking creep. Anyway, he downs the concoction and has this pendant draped around his neck:

Why would God's adversary need cheerleaders? While you ponder that thimble deep query let me address this misleading title. Yes, there are cheerleaders — a whopping four of them in fact. No, they are not aligned with nor affiliated in any way to the theological enemy of all humanity. If you were expecting a campy romp used as an excuse to get young, pretty actresses to disrobe, you'll be left limper than Rock Hudson was in. After sitting down and watching it, I still have no clue what director Greydon Clark — responsible for one of MST3K's most famous episodes,— was trying to accomplish as there seems to be two completely different types of movies presented here that eventually collide together like two shopping carts in Wal-Mart's chip aisle.Benedict High School must be suffering severe budget cuts. Why do I infer this? Because their varsity cheerleading squad has only four members that appear to be well into their late twenties. Our gang of gaiety girls is lead by perky blonde Patti (who comprises the bulk of the nudity quotient) along with tall and sexy Sharon, (whose ample rack we never get to see) quiet, pigtailed brunette Chris and the comically promiscuous Debbie. Our heroines are constantly shadowed by their either criminally naive or possibly slightly retarded coach, Ms. Johnson played by Greydon Clark's wife Jacqueline Cole. Our heroines gather at the beach for practice: