In preparation for his inevitable takeover--it's totally happening, Tennessee fans!--at the University of Tennessee, we asked Jon Gruden to give every player on the Tennessee roster a JON GRUDEN NICKNAME. He complied. Loudly.

1 Michael Palardy PK/P

I call THIS GUY P-FUNK because of the way he kicks it on the one every time!

2 Alton Howard WR

This fella's called THE FOOD NETWORK because man does my wife like watching him.

2 Michael Williams DB

Some guys just blend in on a team and that's why I call this guy CAMOUFLAGE.

3 Byron Moore DB

Went to community college, so I'm calling this guy BUS PASS because he probably had one.

3 Tyler Drummer WR

He's white and he doesn't touch pigskin. That's why I'm calling him JOHN WALKER LINDH.

4 LaTroy Lewis LB

I call him FRENCHIE because he's really fond of pornography and pickles.

5 George Bullock PK

THIS GUY. My nickname for him is FRANK JACKSON because I've never met this dude or anyone named Frank Jackson

6 Vincent Dallas WR

Oh, ol' Vinnie Dallas here. I call this guy THE METROPLEX because he's constipated and sweaty a lot.

7 Drae Bowles WR

This man is AFTER C because vowels, man.

7 Corey Alexander DB

I got a name for THIS GUY and that's COSTCO because he's always eating a hot dog.

8 Tyler Bray QB

Oh. OHHHHH. I LOVE me some T-Bray. I like a beverage, but my favorite? SWEET T, because he's JUST THAT SWEET and also because TOO MUCH OF HIM WILL GIVE YOU DIABETES. I also like callin' him INT because he's INT the zone.

9 Daniel Gray DB

No film on this guy, so I'll call him ONE SHADE OF GRAY.

9 Sam Cranford WR

THIS GUY is from Music City, Nashville, Tennessee. That's why I call him THE BIG EASY.

10 Marsalis Teague DB

Nicknames? Oh, I got one. This fella is hot like Atlanta, so I call him THE BIG EASY.

11 Justin Hunter WR

I like the way this guy moves all over the map, and that's why I call him FRAGGLE ROCK'S OWN TRAVELIN' MATT.

12 Nathan Peterman QB

Not sure if he's Jewish, but if he is I'm calling him MOSHE DAYAN because he'd look great with an eyepatch.

13 Naz Oliver DB

He's like a misspelled Nas, and that's why I'm calling him DOG'S SON.

13 Patrick Ashford QB

I call him PATRICK because he lives under a rock with his dad.

14 Justin Worley QB

Never seen this guy put on deodorant, and that's how coach gets to callin' you FLYTRAP.

15 Tyrin Fairman DB

From Jersey, so I call him THE SLEEPY TOLLBOOTH OPERATOR.

15 Marlin Lane Jr. TB

Coach thinks you've got fight and size, so I'm puttin' a hook and some heavy line to keep you on the field, BIG FISH.

17 Joe Stocstill QB

Likes poetry and can't move, so I call him THE RHYME MERIDIAN.

17 Brent Brewer DB

He's a beast and he should be makin' beer, so I call him THE YEASTMASTER.

18 Jason Croom WR

Hasn't scored a touchdown in SEC play, so yeah you should probably just call him CROOM.

19 Tyler Coombes DB

I don't know this guy, but if he's a man he likes to hunt, so I'll call him BUCK URINE.

19 Devrin Young TB

He likes to rub in pass protection, and that's why I call him THE FROTTEUR.

20 Rajion Neal

This fella. WOO. LIkes to rage, and that's why I call him MUSLIM TOMMY.

22 Reggie Juin TB

Once saw him trip on a mat, so you're gettin' BELL'S PALSY until I see any different.

22 Rod Wilks DB

When I met him he had a sty, so gonna have to call this guy STUTTEREYE.

23 Prentiss Waggner DB

Settled the West with a Conestoga and a dream! Hello there, BULLWHIP MCGILLICUDDY!

24 Deanthonie Summerhill TB

A big ol' country boy from Alabama who chose Tennessee needs one name: FOREVER REDSHIRT.

24 Eric Gordon DB

Bet this coverage guy likes dogs. Lemme see your tip drill, ST. FRANCIS OF PASS-SISSI.

25 Quenshaun Watson TB

No mystery with this guy, Sherlock, and that's why coaches call him HERCULE POIROT.

26 Geraldo Orta DB

With that name and his vertical leap he's gotta be called AL CAPONE'S VAULT.

27 Justin Coleman DB

I was watching film of this guy and got distracted thinking about Kate Beckinsale. UNDERWORLD, you've got a lot to compete with.

28 Deion Bonner DB

No idea who you are. BANG! That's how I call you THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES.

29 Tom Smith TB

You gotta like a guy called TOM SMITH. That's why your nickname is MANDATED BY FEDERAL LAW.

30 Alden Hill TB

His last name is Hill and he's always running. Buenos dias to you, KATE BUSH.

30 Max Arnold DB

Two first names and he's twice as good as you think he is. BILL JOHNNY JULIO OMAR, come on down.

31 Tino Thomas DB

LUCKY. That's what I call everyone from Memphis who doesn't live there anymore.

33 LaDarrell McNeil DB

Got a feeling he's gonna make headlines one day. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED, you go get that ball.

34 Herman Lathers

HERBAL ESSENCES.

35 David Page TE

Hmm. Gonna have to Google you for inspiration and whoa ho that's why I'm calling you CLIPART.

35 Jaron Toney DB

Tells you what's gonna happen when, but only in 1991. DAYTIMER.

36 Cody Blanc WR

Sorta French and plays wideout. POUTINE, you're gonna have to show me somethin'.

37 Brian Randolph DB

I like this movie a lot, so you get lucky, THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER.

38 Justin King FB

He's just in king so he's got to get the title of ROYAL DILDO.

39 Michael Cantwell LB

Lots of campus parking tickets overdue. BOOTFACE.

39 Ben Bartholomew FB

He's Ben everywhere, and that's why I dub thee JOHNNY CASH.

40 Alex Ellis TE

Majoring in Biomedical Engineering? Pulling this out of coach's magic hat: THIRD STRING.

40 Raiques Crump LB

From Alabama and named "Crump." It's not easy, but you'll have to live with FICTIONAL AND RACIALLY IGNORANT CONSTRUCT FROM AN MFA THESIS.

41 Dontavis Sapp LB

Valdosta is his hometown. Gotta call this guy KING FROG OUTLET.

42 Derrick Brodus PK/P

He's a kicker, so his name for me is BASTARD COLQUITT.

42 Charles Folger TE

I love tight ends like I love my favorite things. Coach has to label your locker YOGA FART.

43 Matt Darr P

He's a punter named Darr, but I call him THE TRUTH because he's my choice every time.

43 Dakota Summers TE

A poetic name, isn't it? HENRY BLOCKSWORTH LONGFELLA.

44 Maurice Couch DL

I love this guy and his effort. He's no sofa, he's a LOVE SEAT.

45 A.J. Johnson LB

The heart of this Tennessee defense. If you've seen that defense play, you already know why his nickname is HEART DISEASE.

45 Austin Bolen FB

You gotta be a real throwback to earn the nickname SMALLPOX BLANKET.

46 Channing Fugate LB

All Tennessee linebackers do is give up yards. FIRED JO-ANN FABRICS EMPLOYEE.

47 John Propst LB

That last name looks like it needs to buy a vowel, WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

48 Greg King TE

Sounds expensive. Gonna call you PARASAILING.

48 Ryeon Wedley FB

THIS GUY loves to block on the Iso play like no one I've ever seen, and never talks. FOREVER ALONE it is.

50 Omari Phillips DL

Three hundred powerful pounds from the Sunshine State? COKEBALES.

51 Kenny Bynum LB

Man-to-man is his specialty. No offense, but with that you gotta be GAY BAR.

52 Christian Harris LB

THE MISSIONARY. He knocks on your door, and you better answer.

53 J.R. Carr DS

With a name like that he's riding in the FASTLANE.

54 Jordan Williams DL

Just a monument of a man. Not the biggest monument though, so he's gonna be KOREAN WAR MEMORIAL.

55 Jacques Smith

BAGUETTE.

56 Curt Maggitt LB

Covers so much ground. RIVERDANCE.

57 Andrew Henry DS

Goes barefoot in the showers. ITCHFOOT.

57 Mack Crowder OL

I call him PETERBILT because FUCK HIM, THAT'S WHY.

58 Marlon Walls DL

Big man in the middle named "Walls?" That's why I call him JERICHO, because he's got walls and like the tv series he'll play about three seasons.

59 Gregory Grieco LB

Initials are GG so he's GOOD TO GO.

59 Matt Giampapa DS

You may not agree, but I love it when they call out Giampapa. That's why I call him TUPAC.

60 Carson Anderson OL

THE TONIGHT SHOW.

63 Adam Eichelberger OL

GERMAN.

64 James Stone OL

STONEY

65 Jacob Gilliam OL

WADDLE

66 Marques Pair OL

BALLS.

67 Alan Posey OL

THE FLORIST

68 Marcus Jackson OL

OL' STICKORY

69 Allan Carson DL

ALSO THE TONIGHT SHOW

70 Ja'Wuan James OL

BROODWICH, cause this guy's one haunted sandwich.

71 Dallas Thomas OL

KNOTS LANDING, cause he's after the first Dallas.

72 Zach Fulton OL

Saw him eating a granola bar at practice. WOODSTOCK it is.

73 Darin Gooch OL

TAINT YOUR WAGON.

74 Antonio Richardson OL

Got a big head. Can't go wrong with TOLTEC.

75 Isaac Mobley OL

Isaac is Hebrew for "laughter," so he's CHUCKLES to me.

77 Kyler Kerbyson OL

Can't be his real name, so I gotta go with PARENTS DIDN'T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

78 Alex Bullard OL

THIS GUY is a real bull. I'll call him BJ ARMSTRONG.

79 Brock Collier OL

Brentwood, Tennessee's finest gotta be called AFFLUENT RACIST.

80 Dylan West WR

That's a cowboy name. BOOTS

80 Corey Miller DL

Probably a guy who likes his bacon. BACON.

81 Mychal Rivera TE

Can't spell THIS GUY's name without 'river.' BLUE DANUBE.

82 Justin Meredith TE

Reminds me of a young Al Golden at Penn State. That's why I call him THE GOLDEN CHILD.

83 Zach Rogers WR

Four touchdowns in four years of play? Hola, QUATRO!

84 Cordarrelle Patterson WR

I call him HARDCORE because this guy's a HARDCORE RECEIVER.

85 Brendan Downs TE

He's off to the races so I call this guy SPEEDWAY.

86 Willie Bohannon LB

Monster calves on THIS GUY. GIANTCOWBABY.

87 Jacob Carter WR

I call him "THE SNAKE" because it rhymes with Jake and also because he only eats ONCE A WEEK

88 Joseph Ayres TE

Hates sit-ups and loves tacos. TACOBELLY.

89 Bryant Plumlee TE

ADVERB

90 Steven Fowlkes DL

CRANKSHAFT

93 Gregory Clark DL

Major: Sociology. SOFT SCIENCE

94 Darrington Sentimore DL

I'm gonna call him DARRINGTON SENTIMORE, cause that's just a COOL NAME.

95 Danny O'Brien DL

IRISH

96 Trevarris Saulsberry DL

THE STEAKMAN

97 Daniel Hood DL

ASSASSIN'S CREED

98 Daniel McCullers DL

This hombre's one big spender and that's why I call him SWEET CHARITY.

99 Trent Taylor D

This guy's a pain in the ass and plays at Tennessee so I'm callin' him BUTTCHUG.