PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the torture here is just miles and miles ahead of what they do in the U.S.,” said Pompeo, who credited the sheer scope, creativity, and attention to detail employed in North Korea’s innovative torture techniques for inspiring his sudden defection. “They don’t mess around with that namby-pamby waterboarding stuff like we do back in the States. In North Korea, if they, I mean, if we suspect someone to be an enemy of the regime, they’re beaten half to death, thrown in a labor camp, forced to dig their own graves, then slowly crushed to death under the corpses of their families and friends. Hell, if Kim Jong-un says he doesn’t like a band’s music, the police strap the musicians across the muzzles of anti-aircraft cannons, fire off a volley, and drive tanks back and forth over the bloody gobbets. I have so much lost time to make up.” At press time, the state-run Korean Central News Agency reported that Pompeo has adjusted quickly to his new life as a North Korean citizen and has already accused several of his neighbors of high treason.

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