The Boy Who Cried Retirement and Other 21st Century Fables

Spoiler alert.

The Boy Who Cried Retirement

A young boy, bored after long hours tending to the family business, seeks a reasonable reward. He shouts to the villagers, “Retirement! I want to retire!” — but they rush out to see he is only a child.They berate him for his impudence. The boy continues his cries throughout his life, each year being told he is too young to retire. How dare he even think of it? But after decades of hard work, Social Security goes bankrupt. He dies an 83-year-old Wal-Mart greeter.

Goldilocks and the 3 Easy Student Loan Payments

After an innocent childhood, the fair Goldilocks did as she was always told and enrolled in a university. But the tuition was ghastly, and financial aid proved diﬃcult. The first loan rejected her credit score. The second charged terrible interest. But the last oﬀered reasonable terms with a realistic rate of interest. It was just right. Except the fine print stipulated bizarre fees and and an option to exercise an expedited payment structure. She gets calls from collection agencies until her early 50s and develops a very bad ulcer.

The Emperor’s New Freelance Gig

Two entrepreneurs in a far away land convince their hapless Emperor that they have an amazing opportunity as the spokes-King for their new app. But instead of getting paid for his labors, the wily pair convince him to do it for exposure. Excited to show oﬀ to his subjects, the Emperor agrees. But the townspeople see right through the entrepreneurs’ trickery. They laugh their naive emperor into exile. He is asked about the gap in his resume for years to come and doesn’t even get an endorsement on LinkedIn.

Snow White and the Seven Deported DACAs

Cast out by a wicked ruler, Snow White wandered the woods until she came upon seven young strangers: immigrants who should have qualified for citizenship under DACA. Despite entering the realm as children, completing high school or military service, and over ten continuous years of residency, the kids were cast out from the kingdom. Desperate, they hatch a brave plot to save the land from the wicked ruler and prove their goodliness. After their miraculous success, they remain deported.

Sleeping (Disorder Due to Chronic Depression) Beauty

A young girl, the survivor of a childhood illness, is gifted many wondrous things by her grateful parents. Now a young maiden, she develops a serious guilt complex about her privilege and begins sleeping for 14 to 16 hours a day. She can only be awakened by the kiss of the Royal Prince Zoloft, whose side eﬀects can include even deeper depression. She tries many Princes as the years pass, but none prove eﬀective. She moves to Canada to aﬀord treatment, where she is killed by a moose.

Beauty and the Being Confident Enough to Meet Someone In Real Life

After years of internet isolation, a lost woman comes across a magnificent castle in the forest. The mysterious and beautiful owner beckons her inside. Entranced, she wants nothing more than to accept. But Instagram has instilled her with a deep inferiority complex and toxic notions of courtship. She Ubers home in a panic and answers an ex’s “u up?” text for validation.

RumpleStill-Has-His-Parents’-Health-Insurance

After a grim health scare as a child, a young boy promises his firstborn son to the strange doctor who saved him. But when his illness comes back decades later, the doctor returns to claim his prize. The young boy, now 24, is able to use his father’s ironclad PPO to escape the evil plot with a reasonable copay. Nearby, an uninsured villager of the same age gets whooping cough. She dies.