You're not ready for the ant invasion. The invasion's already begun and right at this moment we have no idea how to stop the Argentine ants from doing whatever they want. What happens when "what they want" becomes "total global domination?" That might seem like a stretch, until you realize that Argentine ants feel no compassion, their brains are not developed to recognize the dangers of hubris, and they're not creative enough to have developed cautionary tales to warn idealistic young ants about what happens to the ant who flies too close to the sun. Argentine ants are incapable of feeling contentment. They have no reason to ever stop invading and taking over. If your family was in the billions and stretched across six continents and had never had any trouble destroying enemies, would you stop?

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Now, I know most of you are thinking, Daniel, that's some Pulitzer-worthy journalism right there, and a small minority of you might be thinking, Daniel, that's hyperbolic fear-mongering, I'm a fat head. To that first group, thank you. To that second group, is it? Wrap your fat heads around this: This is an organization that can rally its troops -- and remember that "troop" here means "every single member of the species"-- to be singularly focused on one goal. No infighting, no pettiness, no internal arguments for supremacy, just an entire species obsessively working towards one purpose. Every. Single. One of them. Sometimes that purpose is travel, sometimes that purpose is spreading out and building, sometimes that purpose is overthrowing an existing colony, and they are always successful. Regardless of their purpose, they are always unified. Can we do that? When has the world ever come together to agree on anything unanimously? When has the country? We can't get two political parties to agree on a single issue for the greater good of America, so how can we expect to rally the entire planet against a common enemy? That's totally not like us.

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They're in California now, but most experts say they'll have expanded to Canada within two years, and most Daniels say they'll have completely reached every state in America even sooner than that. I'm doing my part. My apartment has been ant free for ten months, ever since the day I woke up to an ant biting me on the fucking eyelid. My apartment and, indeed, the area directly surrounding my apartment complex is ant free, but I'm just one man. We can't wait for them to reach Canada. Or, yes, of course, technically we could, because I don't really care about Canada. But that's it. Then, it's time to take a stand. I'm going to spend tonight, like every night, patrolling the area within a five mile radius of my apartment armed only with my wits, and a few small firearms, and an erection you could hang a damn flag on. (Also I'll be doing that.) Because I, for one, am going to fuck our Ant Overlords up.

Join me?