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Taking a Dump After Office Hours, and the Secret to Pulling Women from Ethnic Minorities

Gimme some of dat fuckin Ju-Ju lovin magic, man.jpeg

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Submitted by JoeyG at 2006-09-21 11:42:39 EDTRating: 1.95 on 47 ratings (47 reviews) ( Review this item ) ( V Everyone has moments in their life they would rather forget. But the very nature of these moments ensure they stay ingrained in the memories of yourself, and anyone who was there to witness you at your worst.Personally, I have a whole bunch of incidents that haunt me, and keep me awake in cringing torment whenever the thought of them surfaces in my mind:There was the time when a very attractive lady invited me back to her place after a night out and when I went to say "yes", something caught in throat and I vomited red Aftershock all over her skimpy white dress.On another occasion, I was waiting for a former girlfriend to come round for a pre-arranged sexual lunchtime liaison. Hearing the doorbell and not expecting anyone else, I threw open the door, sporting only a Zorro mask and a huge hard-on and shrieked "get on this, bitch!" at my Aunt Ethel who had "popped round for a cuppa on the off chance".And of course, there was the time when my Mum caught me masturbating at 13 years old over the naked shower scene in "Nuns on the Run" (I had very limited access to any sort of porn as a child, so resorted to freeze framing films in our family VHS collection that had any chance bush sightings). This, along with the time I caught my Dad going down on her, are one of the few things me and my dear old Mum have vowed never to speak of again to each other.My mind is a vault, full of nightmarish memories and harrowing visions of hindsight. I pray for the day when selective amnesia is available on the NHS.In my job, I have the freedom of working flexi-time, although I do tend to stick to 9-5 whenever possible. However recent times have seen an uncharacteristic increase in the amount of beer being consumed on school nights, and the resulting hangovers have led to a number of mornings where I haven't arrived in the office until 10.30, and the time needed making up.I bit the bullet and decided to have a late night. I would order a pizza to the office, and make the hours up by trawling E-bay for useless crap.By 6.00pm, I was the only person left on the floor. I chucked the last piece of crust from the pizza back into the box, placed the box in the bin, took a long swallow from my can of coke and let out a satisfying belch. The burp resounded and echoed in the empty office.How cool was this?!?! With no-one around to exercise social etiquette with, I could do what the fuck I liked. No more covert lifting of the right butt cheek and sneaking a fart out in 3 or 4 discreet little bursts, oh no. I had one coming, and I was gonna let this bad boy out, loud and proud.I stood up on my chair, and began to squeeze the relevant rectal muscles in order to release the toxic turd-cloud when a better idea hit me. I wasn't going to waste this into thin air.Keeping the pent up gas inside my bowels, I went over and sat in my boss's chair."Haha!! Here's to climbing the corporate ladder, fuck face!!" I exclaimed, and let rip with the noxious nastiness. It wasn't my best ever, but it reached a good level of decibels, sustained a 5 or 6 second duration and hit a straight 8 on the old stench-o-meter.But I couldn't be contained at just this. I was like a kid in a candy store, as I went round scratching my balls by the water cooler and putting my feet up on the desks. After a few laps round the floor on one of the mail trolleys, nature raised its head, and immediate bowel evacuation was called for. God damn that Hot and Spicy pizza.After hopping to the toilet (literally hopping - I didn't know when I might get this sort of chance again) I selected the nearest cubicle, and unloaded the sloppy contents of my colon.There are few things in life as satisfying as taking a real good shit. Adversely, there are few things in life more frustrating than taking a real good shit, and then discovering there is no toilet roll to deal with the aftermath."Awwwwwww, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.........."This has happened before, but it was just a case of waiting for someone to come into the toilet, and getting them to pass a loo roll from the other cubicle under the door. But I was here after hours, and all alone. No toilet hero was going to rescue me this time.After pondering this for a few seconds, I realised I was going to have to make it to cubicle at the other end of the toilets. I knew I was alone, but it still makes you paranoid to walk through a usually public rest room with your trousers round your ankles, your tackle on display and a shitty backside.I opened the door slightly and peered into the fluorescent lit room. I could see the other cubicle, just 15 feet away. It would be a 10 second waddle, tops. I opened the door fully, and made my way across the room. I arrived at my destination, and quickly bolted the door shut behind me before I realised."BOLLOCKS."Was there a fucking toilet paper thief here or something? What the fuck? OK, time for plan B. My only other option was the paper towels on display next to the sinks. I opened the door, and went for them.Just as I was grabbing a suitable amount, and thinking I would get away with this, the main door opens, and in barged 2 Jamaican cleaning ladies. It took them a second to realise what they were seeing. When they did, the first one piped up."Sorry, we did'na realise people still be here at dis time", she stated, and backed out of the door. The second one just stood there staring me up and down, shaking her head. Rather than following her companion out of the door, she picked up her mop, and began washing the floor, right around my ankles. I stood there, frozen in shock and wondering what to do. Before I could say anything, she proclaimed in her thick Yardie dialect:"You English is fuckin' crazy. And if you wanna shit in ma sinks, then it gonna cost you an expensive meal and one hell of a good fucking, y'know".Simple as that. I retreated into the cubicle and contemplated what had just happened. I had just been propositioned by a short black woman, in a state of semi nakedness and with a shit stained asshole.My list of personal shame has a new entry. I'll file it under F. As in "For fucks sake why does this shit always happen to me?"