FORT JACKSON, S.C. — Pfc. Moshe Adelson has been reported AWOL for failing to return to his basic training unit after its annual Christmas break, Duffel Blog has learned. An investigation revealed that Adelson “read between the lines” after his first sergeant told him to “leave on Exodus” in late December.

Adelson maintains his innocence, and claims it was all a misunderstanding. “I thought he meant the whole ‘let my people go’ thing, y’know?” he said on a Skype interview. “I was going to dodge a deployment to the Sinai; the Jews escaped on Exodus from Egypt.”

“The whole thing made sense to me.”

His unit at Fort Jackson originally planned to discharge Adelson and bring in a more qualified soldier in his place. “He wasn’t a strong soldier,” 1st Sgt. Byron Jones explained. “Plus we were all expecting him to fill a finance slot, but he told us he wanted to go artillery. What the hell were we supposed to do with that?”

But a drill sergeant found a podcast on social media featuring Adelson bragging about his escape. “I was trolling Facebook like usual to reconnect with some of my former grad — I mean I was monitoring the social media feeds of our recruits to ensure they were maintain proper comms security,” Staff Sgt. Robert Johnson said. “I came across Adelson’s tell-all and reported it to our command.”

Adelson has since returned to his unit and will graduate in March. After training he will join the Multi-Force Observers (MFO) Mission in the Sinai Peninsula. “Sucks for him,” Johnson said, “those poor fuckers don’t even get hazard pay. I’m sure he can figure the money part out though, y’know.”