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We have a tendency to swing from one extreme to another, when often finding a “middle way” is the best course of action. We often fall into this problem when we try something, it doesn’t work out, so we overcompensate by doing the exact opposite.

For example, when I first started trying to date girls, I used to believe that the more kind I was, the more compliments I said, and the more gifts I gave, then the more the person would like me. When I found this attitude not working, I stopped being nice altogether and instead became acting like a jerk and asshole.

That didn’t work either. I was young and naive, I thought I had to make a choice between being “really nice, but suffocating” and “really mean, but confident” and I wasn’t aware that there could be a healthy middle way between the two that didn’t sacrifice my kindness nor my self-esteem.

This is one simple and obvious example, but I think this same tendency applies to a lot of different areas in our lives. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we only have two extremes to choose from, when really there is a lot of room in between to have the good aspects of both.

In another example from when I was young, I used to be hyper sensitive to the suffering of others. Anytime someone felt pain, I felt it too and I wanted to do everything in my power to help them. Eventually however this drive to help everyone became stressful and burdensome.

I realized I couldn’t help everyone, and I couldn’t save the world, so instead I started to become desensitized toward people’s suffering and even rationalize my emotions away – “people deserve what they get.” If I couldn’t help everyone, then I didn’t want to help anyone.



The “What the Hell” Effect

The “What the Hell” effect perfectly describes this tendency to overreact when things don’t work out for us – and how easy it is for us to swing from one extreme to another.

For example, a person may be trying to follow a diet that includes no junk food or sweets. But maybe one night when they are feeling tired they cave in and eat a slice of cake. Once the dieter caves in, they may begin to think “what the hell” and just begin eating even more and more junk food.

The person feels they have already broken their rules, they are going to feel bad about it in the morning anyway, so they might as well go all in and keep eating.

In one study published in Appetite, researchers found that “restrained eaters” (people trying to diet) ate significantly more than “unrestrained eaters” during a cookie tasting task when they were served a larger slice of pizza beforehand. This shows that the restrained eaters experienced a “what the hell” effect after they ate the “larger than normal” slice of pizza, so they ended up eating more cookies afterwards as well.

These overreactions are a sign that you don’t understand the middle way of self-improvement. You expect to act 100% a certain way, and then once it doesn’t completely work out, you give up on that goal entirely.

In another related study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, it was found that children who were raised in households with strict rules and prohibitions actually ended up rebelling and acting worse once they broke those prohibitions. This is just another example of how when one extreme doesn’t work out, we tend to jump to the opposite extreme.

We often perceive our attempts at self-improvement as either “all good” or “all bad” instead of recognizing that we’re probably going to have a mix of both ups and downs throughout our growth.



The Middle Way and Exercising Balance

The middle way is a balance between those false extremes in our lives. It’s a perspective that applies to everything including our habits, thoughts, emotions, and relationships.

When I started forming this perspective toward my own life, everything became less dramatic and intense. I stopped treating everything as “win or lose” or “life or death.”

I stopped overreacting to my situations, swinging from one extreme to another, but instead found ways to make smaller changes here and there until I found a “balancing point” that worked best for me in each area of my life.

Below I’ve included common thoughts that reflect a middle way perspective. You can use these as affirmations to cultivate a middle way perspective of your own.



Affirmations to elicit a “middle way” perspective:

“I don’t think of my choices in terms of all or nothing.”

“I don’t expect to be perfect at anything.”

“I don’t think I can change everything overnight.”

“I don’t beat myself up over every little mistake.”

“I make small changes and improvements.”

“I exercise balance in my everyday life.”

“I accept both my power and my limitations.”

“I will try my best to follow a middle way.”



Everyone has a different balancing point within different areas of their lives, but once we find that a middle way exists it can help make our lives tremendously easier.

Do you have any examples in your own life of you jumping from one extreme to another, when a middle way would’ve been the best course of action?



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