In light of Brian Hoyer leading the Browns’ game-winning drive and Johnny Manziel’s three plays leaving us with a very “…that’s it?” feeling, it would be easy to assume that the Johnny Football attention train is losing steam. Hoyer is the starter, the Browns’ D is playing well, and Mike Pettine is the coach we’ve been looking for. It’s easy to forget about Johnny for a minute.

Easy, and wrong.

The Johnny train will never lose steam. We’ve never known any force in the world like Johnny Football. The kid’s a star, and that’s just the way it is. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t play or can’t play or whatever—he is our sun, our moon, our stars, our shining light. He could totally disappear tomorrow and it would only burnish his legend. He’d be like D.B. Cooper, only more mysterious.

It is with all of this in mind that we look at the game tape. Not just to look at Johnny’s runs or his (dropped even though it was just perfect) pass, but every time he was on the TV screen. Every. Time. It doesn’t matter if the camera caught him in passing or he was the focus of the shot. We need to know how much Johnny was on camera, because we are all Johnny. Johnny is why LeBron came back. Johnny pitched the stadium renovations to Haslam. Johnny was Haslam’s chief legal adviser during the whole Pilot Flying J thing. Johnny drafted West and Crowell. He got Andrew Hawkins some illegal meds to make him taller. The kid does it all.

Without further ado:

1st quarter, 12:21

Johnny’s first appearance on screen. For some reason the stupid FOX people allowed nearly three minutes of game time and like ten minutes of life time to pass before showing the most important person on Earth. Here we see Johnny’s laser focus as he uses mind control on Terrance West and tells him where to run.

1st quarter, 11:34

Johnny is obscured and in the background, but those half-sleeved arms are unmistakable. Look at the presence. The panache. The Browns were just forced to punt, and Johnny was polite enough not to put himself in the game and just run for the touchdown. A true team-first kind of guy.

1st quarter, 9:41

ANYONE ELSE: “Hey Johnny whatcha doin’?”

JOHNNY: “Oh not much just being the consummate teammate and inspiring Travis to get the most awesome two-yard punt return in history.”

1st quarter, 9:37

After said awesome return, Johnny pulls the rare double move of adjusting his man region while trying to stare a hole clean through the FOX NFL logo. The camera guy smartly cut away before their whole production was blown to hell.

1st quarter, 8:39

Johnny just “happens” to be in the replay of Brian Hoyer’s wounded duck into double coverage. Here the FOX people are trying to use subliminal messages to make us believe that Johnny should be in. Like, Fox, we already know, take it easy. This shot also dispels the notion that Johnny is in HD no matter what.

1st quarter, 7:34

The first shot devoted solely to Johnny. Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston say something about Tom Brady and that Johnny needs to learn fundamentals. Those dudes are such dinosaurs. Fundamentals are lame. Remind me again, how many NFL touchdowns has Tim Duncan scored?

1st quarter, 1:51

Johnny must have watched the World Cup, because he has quickly made the arm fold the must-do NFL sideline thing. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Pettine and that other coach are folding their arms too?

What, you do? Well you’re wrong. Remember J.R.E.A.M.—Johnny rules everything around Mike.

1st quarter, 0:15

I probably don’t even have to circle Johnny anymore because your eyes are smart enough to find him. Little known fact: Any time Johnny is in your field of vision, you see him like a cat at nighttime, if that cat was an astronaut crossed with the Terminator crossed with Vin Diesel from Pitch Black.

2nd quarter, 15:00

Johnny pretends to listen to Hoyer and Shanahan while confirming to himself that, yup, he could bag every single chick and probably half the dudes in the stadium.

2nd quarter, 10:54

Johnny nods knowingly at Andrew Hawkins after he picks up a first down. He also wonders, Does the Horseshoe have a pool and/or inflatable swans?

2nd quarter, 10:05

At this point I start to wonder if Johnny’s hands are stuck to his arms like Hot Hands’ hands got stuck together in Little Giants.

2nd quarter, 5:16

Johnny subtly positions himself near the Browns’ score to remind us that he is the reason for all Browns’ success. This is unusually insecure for Johnny, because, I mean, we know, obviously he’s the reason for all Browns’ success.

2nd quarter, 4:50

Johnny covers his earhole so A) he can hear the play call; or B) Drake hacked into the Browns’ system and is asking where to get good sushi in Toronto EVEN THOUGH DRAKE IS FROM TORONTO. Johnny is better than Yelp.

2nd quarter, 4:41

The cameras cut away for some reason but smartly go right back to Johnny. Jim Dray is trying to absorb some of Johnny’s cool but it isn’t really working.

2nd quarter, 4:12

Johnny and Hoyer are talking about stuff on the bench but are relegated to the smaller frame while Reuben Randle does something less awesome in the big frame. Randle actually screwed up on this play, because you can see that he isn’t pointing directly at Johnny. He will be punished for his crimes, because the NFL is really good at that kind of thing.

3rd quarter, 14:07

HE’S IN! Johnny’s first move—first move!—is to quiet down the crowd, because he’s like a hypergiant star and most people don’t know how to react to seeing that sort of thing. He’s like an experienced comedian waiting for the applause to die down before hitting his next joke. Man, what a pro.

3rd quarter, 14:07

Johnny’s first real life regular season NFL play comes out of the pistol formation. He probably told Pettine that he plays out of the pistol or he doesn’t play at all. Johnny actually invented the pistol after watching that episode of The Wire where they shoot target practice holding the guns sideways and everything, and now it’s dominating the NFL. Just another day in the life of a legend.

3rd quarter, 13:45

While we’re all saying, “…That’s it?” after Johnny handed off to Isaiah Crowell for a three-yard gain, Johnny’s thinking about that time in the Super Bowl when he’s going to throw a game-winning 100-yard pass to himself.

3rd quarter, 12:49

After that Earth-shaking debut play, Johnny realizes that everyone in the crowd might spontaneously combust. To give us a reprieve, he finds shelter behind the scoreboard overlay. This shows that Johnny is courteous, and that you could absolutely take him home to your parents.

3rd quarter, 12:49

We get a replay of Johnny’s first appearance going into the commercial break, because the FOX people are no dummies. People want—nay, need!—to know what Johnny is doing. Look at all the cameramen on the sideline, just hoping to get a piece. Johnny is the world’s meal ticket and will single-handedly end hunger in like three months, tops.

3rd quarter, 8:49

HE’S BACK IN! Pettine calls Johnny’s preferred pistol formation again. Johnny hands off to Crowell again. Crowell gets stopped for a three-yard loss. It’s his fault, really, because he got caught in Johnny’s gravitational field and couldn’t generate any speed up-field. Silly rookie doesn’t know what’s what yet.

3rd quarter, 8:29

HE’S STILL IN! He rallies the team back to the line after Crow’s gaffe, ready to take control.

3rd quarter, 8:10

“Oh crap these dudes are big and fast what do I do? Bail!”

3rd quarter, 8:06

Johnny throws the most perfect pass that has ever been thrown by a human or non-human hand. Ray Agnew is rightly in awe of this. He does his best to haul it in, but then he gets drilled and God gets mad at him for ruining what could have been a beautiful moment.

3rd quarter, 7:53

Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston discuss Johnny’s cameo appearance, and compare the Hoyer/Manziel duo to Kirk Cousins and Robert Griffin III. They conveniently forget to mention that Johnny is capable of walking without his leg exploding.

3rd quarter, 7:33

“Psst. Hey coach. Coach? I did good on those plays, right coach? I’ll be right here if you want to put me back in coach. Coach?”

Pettine doesn’t do it, severely diminishing the Browns’ chances of victory and the chances of finishing the game without a Biblical flood.

3rd quarter, 7:12

Johnny hangs out with Terrance West, hand on the shoulder and all, while making snide comments about Pettine’s dorky sunglasses and those weird marks on his head.

3rd quarter, 7:07

Kenny Albert says that Hoyer says “Johnny and I get along better than most people would guess.”

That’s because most people wouldn’t guess that you two get along, Brian. You are simple while Johnny is advanced. You are meatloaf; Johnny is molecular gastro-foam. You’re a station wagon; Johnny is a Segway hovercraft. You are yellow; Johnny is Volt.

3rd quarter, 6:31

Johnny might legitimately be pooping on the sideline right now, hence the towel at the ready

3rd quarter, MONTAGE

We finally get treated to a montage that includes some other stuff but is mostly about how the Browns drafted Johnny and became a million times better than the Draft Day version of the Browns. It might even be two million times better, but I don’t know because I never saw Draft Day and given what I’ve heard, I probably never will.

3rd quarter, 3:30

We see Johnny on the screen, and Terrance West scores on the next play. If you’re a teacher and ever need an example of cause and effect, that’s the best one ever.

3rd quarter, 3:19

Johnny expresses disbelief that Hoyer has never used a giant stack of money as a phone. Like, not even one time just to try it out. Lame.

4th quarter, 12:12

The announcers tell us that Johnny’s pass should have been caught, making them more right than they will ever be about anything in their lives. They also remark on how he has “his chinstrap on and everything.” Guys, I know this is Johnny we’re talking about, but the chinstrap thing is the same for everyone. It’s not like the helmet just fuses with his skull. Study science.

4th quarter, 12:12

Johnny and Terrance are officially BFFs and Gerell Robinson (the guy wearing Evan Moore’s old shirt) is super jealous.

4th quarter, :38

The game gets tight, and Johnny sticks by Kyle Shanahan in case he wants to put him in and make this whole thing way easier. Johnny also thinks it’s crazy that he used to play at Kyle Field and now he plays for Kyle Shanahan. Whoa.

4th quarter, :06

As the Browns position themselves for the game-winning field goal, Johnny gets his cap straight so everyone will recognize that he’s the freshest cat in the league.

4th quarter, :03

Johnny continues to get his cap straight. He smiles at Mike Pettine. He gives a knowing nod to Hoyer. He gets ready to hop into the stretch Escalade that he ordered three months ago in anticipation of this victory.

4th quarter, :00

After that game, I think we all feel this way.