FORT DIX, N.J. — In response to the outbreak of novel Coronavirus, or COVID-19, a commander has opted to hold a mandatory all hands meeting to discuss quarantine procedures.

“The best way to spread things is in person,” said Col. Vic Fleming, garrison commander. “We all need to get the same things across, and a little handshake or eye contact goes a long way.”

“I did my best military analysis on this, and came to the conclusion that people might be upset or worried about the idea of a quarantine, so the best way to make sure that we’re all in it together is to get together.”

Fleming added that “We are all one big military family” so contractors, spouses, children, the elderly, invalids, and the immune-compromised were welcome at the friendly, town hall-style meeting. He further noted that the meeting was mandatory, and that personnel from all shifts should be present, as those on leave or TDY should travel back as soon as possible.

Col. Dave Higgins, base surgeon general, noted that the meeting was a good opportunity to get the word out that troops should avoid infected areas like nearby New Rochelle. He planned to look out for service member health by taking the opportunity to discuss how soldiers should avoid skin-to-skin contact and drink a canteen of water before bed.

Hand sanitizer will not be available at the meeting, due to the fact that one private drank a bottle on his last deployment.

Public affairs officer Maj. Kimberlee Allen also noted that the town hall would be live-streamed on Facebook, but she urged interested members of the public to attend one of several local watch parties she was coordinating “for a better experience.”

“We stand shoulder to shoulder against the spread of coronavirus,” Fleming added. “We put our best military minds on this, and now that we have everyone in the same room, we can really combat the spread of, err, bad information. Plus, look at this roster! We’re 100 percent trained on Coronavirus and warned how to stop it.”

“It’s really on the soldier now.”