“Should I Move for The Guy I’ve Been Out With Four Times?”

I began communicating with my beau online over five months ago. “George” is black and I am white; I commonly refer to him as the black, male version of my best friend since childhood. We felt an immediate connection, even reminiscing about many childhood similarities. I have never experienced such a complete connection at the soul level. We are both divorced (he for ten years and I for almost two, but after a long process of counseling and healing before I filed) and in our mid-forties. It has been wonderful; we have had four dates, three of them meeting halfway between us (the third one was overnight) and once when I drove to him (2-½ hours) and he SPOILED me for my birthday! We communicate daily, via texts, phone calls, and video chats. We share photos of our children and their special events; he called me with a live video chat of his son’s basketball game to include me, etc. We each have two children. The older two are in college, both 20; my younger child is about to graduate high school and his younger one is a busy, athletic sophomore. We have not met family/friends or children yet, because of crazy schedules, etc., but all are aware and, as George says, family is just “jacked up” anyway – it is true. In your 40s it’s mostly about us vs. all the rest. I am completely self-sufficient financially though currently unemployed for about a year due to illness. I am still in a time of great transition and re-birth, but due to a large savings, residual income from my business, and counseling to heal from the abusive marriage, etc., I am actually the strongest/healthiest emotionally/mentally that I have been in a L O N G time, maybe ever. The connection is incredible, being together is so comfortable and easy, yet energizing and wonderful. We laugh much and at the same things (who knew?!?)! He is sensitive, supportive and encouraging, but also declaring his personal desires to be together long-term. I am already starting over and my soul feels incomplete without him in a real, physical way. I just moved from the family home into a condo, renovating it before I moved in to be much more saleable, should the need arise to sell quickly. I have NO debt, but I need to work soon or start to incur it. It feels futile to get settled here, my place is with him, period. Life is too short. Am I crazy to think of picking up and leaving my home after just moving in? On the one hand, people say you need to be “whole” before commitment. Yet, I am as “whole” as I have been in so many years in the important ways, knowing who I am. What I DO is not so important. I am smart, capable, and responsible. I finally believe it and so does he. — Feeling Whole

Are you crazy to think of picking up and leaving, for a man you’ve been on four dates with, a home you just moved into after leaving the home you shared with your abusive ex-husband? Yes. I think you might be a little bit crazy. And not in the woo-crazy-in-love way, either. I mean crazy in the you-sound-a-little-off-your-rocker kind of way. Like someone who’s been in prison for many years and gets a taste of freedom and suddenly wants to do everything, all of it, right now, there’s not a second to lose.

Did you read Monday’s column? You should. The LW was another woman who felt strongly that she’d found her soulmate and had to immediately move to be with him. Spoiler alert: moving so quickly wasn’t the best idea.

Look, it’s great that you’ve met someone you can laugh with and whose company you enjoy, who SPOILS you when you drive hours to see him on your birthday (though, if he really wanted to spoil you, couldn’t he have driven to you??). But that doesn’t mean you should pick up and move to be with him. You don’t really know the guy very well yet. Doesn’t it bother you that he thinks family is “jacked up” and that’s part of his reason for not introducing you to his? Do you really believe that, in one’s 40s, it’s really “us vs. all the rest”? Is that why you’re in such a rush to hitch yourself to someone? Because you feel like everyone else has someone and you’re only ever connected to the one person you’re coupled-up with? That’s so… it’s just such a strange way of thinking. I’m in my 40s as are a lot of people I know, and I certainly don’t think that it’s my husband and I against everyone else. We depend on other people for a lot of things — good company, advice, child care help, and emotional support, to name a few. We count on others to feel less alone in our struggles as well as our joys. How lonely and isolating to think there’s only one person who is meant to be your everything.

I think what’s most confusing about your letter is that you claim to be so “whole,” while also in the midst of “great transition and re-birth.” Feeling “whole” is a description better used on the other side of a transition and re-birth, not in the midst of it. Indeed, it does sound like you are searching for your place in the world and how best to define yourself, and I can promise you that using a man to measure your worth is not the answer, especially on the heels of an abusive marriage. You say you are smart, capable, and responsible, and that you finally believe it and so does George. That’s great. Then you should believe he’s not going anywhere. You can take your time getting to know him and making sure you want the same thing before sacrificing the independence you’ve just tasted and the new life you’ve begun carving for yourself. If he doesn’t wait, or if you fear he won’t, then he’s really not such a match for you after all.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].