"Hooves, antlers, and too much hair,

On our poor nose bombaaaaaaaarding,

This rancid stench that fouls the air,

From a stinky beast worth heeeeeeeeerding."

Picture an endless sea of mangy fur. A symphony of grunting and clomping. A swarming mass of hairy creatures spanning from horizon to horizon. An uncountable number of antlers pointed to the sky. Well, actually, there were exactly twice as many antlers as there were reindeer. That's not uncountable at all, really. The point is, it all looked very majestic.

And lurking around the herd's borders was a team of humans. They were a colorful bunch – It takes a special kind of person to voluntarily live as far north as people can live. The reindeer herders were known for their bright fur clothing, their hand-crafted tools, their pointy boots, and their ability to break into spontaneous musical numbers.

"We will herd 'em all, far and near.

Stay on guard, they can smell fear.

Herding these horrid reindeer's,

Not for faint of heart.

Look out, it's gonna fart!"

The men's words echoed through the fjords as they marched beneath the summer sun:

"Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Hold your nose!"

"Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Hold your nose!"

In turn, the men chanted:

"Beautiful!"

"Powerful!"

"Dangerous!"

"Stinky!"

"Herding's the job for me, I think-y."

"Stronger than one, stronger than ten,

Stronger than a hundred men! Pee-yew!"

They took a brief pause to fan the air before continuing, faster:

"Hooves, antlers, and too much hair,

On our poor nose bombarding,

This rancid stench that fouls the air,

From a stinky beast worth herding."

Now the background music was going at breakneck speed, and they had to sing faster and faster to keep up:

"We will herd 'em all, far and near.

Stay on guard – They can smell fear.

To herd these horrid reindeer,

Use your brain and wit.

Don't step in reindeer- FRITZ!"

The song came to a screeching halt. The eye of every last herder fell on the tail end of the herd – specifically on the little boy trailing behind, gasping for breath. He was about half as tall and twice as thin as was perfectly healthy. A light breeze could dislocate his shoulders. Every step he took risked his life – Sooner or later, the kid was bound to trip over his oversized feet and break his neck. The other herders couldn't wait.

"Would it kill you to keep up with the herd for once?" The biggest, beefiest herder shot the boy a scowl.

Fritz shrank. All he could manage was a stammered, "S-Sorry..."

Once they were done rolling their eyes, the group continued on its way.

It wasn't that Fritz was slower than the reindeer. He was just trying to keep a safe distance, that was all. Remember all that narration before about how majestic reindeer looked? That was all a calculated deception, an elaborate lie to lull poor unsuspecting humans into a false sense of security. Sure, they seemed all cute and cuddly and innocent, but the instant you turned your back, that's when the reindeer struck. You couldn't let your guard down for a second. Reindeer know where you sleep. They know where you keep your knives.

"Hustle up, Fritz!" called out the head of the group. "I mean it!"

Fritz reluctantly scurried closer to the edge of the herd. At his approach, every last reindeer spun their head towards him, a wicked gleam in their eyes. Fritz could practically see the gears turning in their twisted elaphine brains. What were they plotting? What kind of sick reindeer games were they playing?

"Fritz."

Fritz let out a little squeak of terror as the head herder marched towards him – The guy was exponentially larger than Fritz.

Fritz swallowed. "I'm sorry, sir. I-I'll try to keep up."

The man let out a sigh. "Fritz, if you ever want to get out there to herd reindeer, you need to stop all..." He waved his hand over Fritz's plain brown hair, bulging, fishlike eyes, lumpy head, freakishly large nose, and twiglike arms. "...this."

"But you just pointed to all of me!"

"And apparently that was too subtle," the man said flatly. "You suck." He jabbed a finger at Fritz's chest. "You suck at everything, and no one likes you."

"Oh," said Fritz.

After that, there wasn't another peep out of Fritz until nightfall. Of course, this far up north, you couldn't really tell nightfall apart from dayfall, so the herders simply considered night to be whenever the reindeer got sick of marching and plopped down for a nap. They'd been a lazy bunch of beasts this year – Usually, the reindeer reached their summer home before the end of spring.

Once the herd slowed to a crawl, the herders set to work pitching the tents, but since that was a job that required upper body strength and basic motor skills, Fritz was forced to watch from the sidelines. He was just about to wander off to find his momma – who was probably busy weaving or making food or doing other antiquated female things – when Fritz was suddenly approached by a group of kids around his age.

"Psst, Fits." One of them grabbed his sleeve and tugged him behind a tent.

"Fritz," Fritz said feebly. Did... Did his peers want to socially interact with him? That couldn't be right.

"Look over there." The biggest, scraggliest kid of the lot pointed behind him. Fritz's eyes followed his finger into the distance. "See that castle?" There was, indeed, a big old castle, barely a speck on the horizon, sitting on an island out in the water. If he squinted, Fritz could just make out the bridge connecting it to the surrounding village on the mainland. "That's Arendelle's capital. As chance would have it, the reindeer's migration goes straight through the heart of the kingdom."

The nomadic herders had worked out a shaky truce with Arendelle, but there wasn't much love lost between them. It wasn't that the people of Arendelle had ever done anything to the herders, exactly, but, uh, let's just say that in the reindeer herders' experience, monarchies run by rich white people didn't have the best track record when it came to not being culture-destroying imperialists. As far as some of the herders were concerned, Arendellians were a bunch of dirtbags who could all go die in a fire.

"Um, yeah," said Fritz, fidgeting with his hair. "What's your point?" (Fritz was half-Arendellian, incidentally).

The scraggly kid grinned. "Word is that castle's been locked up for years, and now they're finally opening the gates to commoners for the day."

"Something about a new queen being coronated," added another. "It's all very technical and political. You wouldn't be interested in sneaking over there, would you?"

"To see some coronation?" frowned Fritz. "It sounds kinda boring."

"Great because you're not invited!" The scraggly kid patted Fritz's back. "Watch the milking reindeer for us and don't tell my dad where we are. Thanks, Fits."

"What? But I-"

But the boys had already scurried off, whooping and high-fiving and muttering, "Do you think they're really as hot as people say?"

Fritz was left alone behind the tent. Well, it was... good that this worked out for all parties involved. Those dumb kids got to see some boring coronation, and Fritz got to guard the bloodthirsty hell-creatures.

Currently, the milking reindeer were being kept in the stables of one of the numerous old abandoned barns littering Arendelle's countryside. These she-deer were a little too domesticated to stay with the regular herd, and if the herders lost track of them, well, everything would be screwed up. Reindeer milk was an invaluable commodity. So, really, when you thought about it, Fritz was the most important person in the group right now. Yeah. He... He hadn't even wanted to go to the coronation anyways. Everything was fine. There was nothing to get upset over. There was... There was definitely nothing to cry about. That'd be stupid and childish.

From the cracks between his dampened fingers, Fritz spared a glance through the barn doors. The reindeer were all situated in their stables. Well, if they were fine, no need to actually go inside there with them, right? That'd be like sticking your face in a hornet's nest, only hornets aren't nearly as deadly. In the interest of self-preservation, Fritz would watch the reindeer from outside.

And watch them he did. Long after the other herders had dozed off, Fritz was wide awake. Sure, no one would know if he nodded off, but Fritz didn't like the idea of leaving so many murderous demons unguarded. Sheesh, how much longer were those kids gonna be? It was dark out, and in Arendelle, being dark out meant it was late late.

Heck, Fritz could see the stars by now. He hardly ever saw the stars. They were awfully pretty. Fritz stared at them, slackjawed, for longer than he'd like to admit. Wasn't there a... a saying about stars? When you wish upon a star, something something dreams come true? For a moment, Fritz's heart went aflutter... but then it slowed. What was he supposed to wish for? Some kind of protection against reindeer? No, no... What did Fritz want? What did he really want?

"I... I wish..." Fritz began, already feeling stupider for opening his mouth, "I wish someone, anyone, liked- Well, not necessarily liked, but, uh, didn't hate me. And I wish I wasn't so lonely, and-" He bowed his head, his eyes clamping shut. "I wish one good thing would happen to me."

A shiver ran down his spine. Whoa, what the-? A minute ago, it'd been muggy out here. And was it Fritz's imagination, or was that star he'd wished on growing bigg-?

Thump. The next instant, Fritz was smacked in the face with a boatload of whiteness.

"Agh! Wha-?" He frantically excavated himself from the mound of powder, swinging his head wildly. Snow. The fjords were filling with snow. In July? They weren't that far north, were they? Fritz shivered again. Well, guess he'd have to pop back to his momma's tent and grab some warmer-

Crash. Before Fritz could so much as flinch, a gust of icy wind smashed the stable door in two. The next thing Fritz knew, a swarm of panicked reindeer was charging straight for him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH I'VE BEEN GOOOOOOOOOOD!" Luckily, Fritz managed to dive out of the way in the nick of time. Unluckily, now the milking-reindeer were bolting off into the heart of the blizzard. The snowflakes were so thick, they disappeared within a few feet.

"No! Wait! Come back!" Fritz hurried after them, but at this rate, he'd need snowshoes to get anywhere. No, no, it couldn't be too late! Maybe if he really hurried, he could still catch one or two of them?

"Every last reindeer." The head herder was doing his best to strangle Fritz with his eyes. "You let every last milking reindeer escape."

By now, the herders were crowded around a makeshift campfire in the middle of the old barn, wrapped in blankets and whatever winter clothes they'd managed to salvage before the snow buried their tents. The reindeer themselves had only been mildly annoyed at the freak weather – The whole point of migration was to avoid the cold – but the reindeer herders... Well, the way they scowled at him, you'd think the snow was Fritz's fault.

"I- I'm sorry," Fritz muttered, huddling closer to his momma – a gray-haired, beady-eyed, lumpy-headed old woman with the most gaunt, sunken face of anyone present.

"And if that wasn't bad enough, you let my son sneak out to the village?" The head herder clenched his fists. "Now he and his friends are trapped there, and if the reindeer decide to move on before the snow melts, they might lose track of the herd! Why didn't you tell me my son had run off?"

All Fritz could manage was another strangled "I'm sorry..." before burying his head in his hands.

His momma, however, let out a snort that'd impress a reindeer. "It's not my kid's job to babysit yours."

"You stay out of this," spat the head. "We don't ask you two for much. You're only here because Herko couldn't keep himself from fooling around with those airhead Arendelle girls. The least you could do is pull your weight. But you don't – neither of you." His eyes traveled from Fritz to his momma. "You know what? I want you gone. Both of you, out of this barn, now."

Fritz's momma made an indignant huff. "Yeah, sure. Like you'd really throw an old lady and her kid out in the middle of a snowstorm."

The old lady and her kid trudged through middle of the snowstorm, desperately clinging to themselves to keep their blankets from blowing away in the wind.

"H-H-Hey, it's- it's okay, Momma," Fritz managed to say through his chattering teeth. "We didn't want to live with those jerks anyways, right?" He leaned in for a warmth-preserving hug-

"Shut up." -and was pushed into the snow. "For once in your life, would you just shut up?" His momma trudged past him, her every step arduous.

"M-Momma-?" Fritz blinked, dazed, as the snowflakes piled on his hair.

"You're just never done screwing up my life, are you?" Somehow, his momma's eyes were far colder than the snow could ever hope to be. "Your father was right all along. You remember what he said before he left?" She pointed a bony finger at Fritz's quivering face. "Herko said he was sick of living with a worthless little loser." With that, she turned around and resumed her march.

After a long battle against the wind, Fritz managed to pull himself to his feet. "He said he was sick of living with a pair of losers..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Momma..."

After that, there was silence, save for the howling of the wind and the crunch of snowflakes. Fritz's eyes stung, and not from the freezing wind.

Beams of sunshine poured over treetops that weren't covered in snow and flowers that weren't frozen and dead. The people of Arendelle had really learned to appreciate that more. One such person, a brunette girl wrapped in a plain tan cloak, was currently making her way through the front door of a little wooden shack.

"Hoo hoo!" She was greeted by a big, puffy, sideburn-wearing man. He was seated behind a counter, his fingers folded together at the tips and a pleasant smile on his face. "If it isn't my favorite customer. Vhat can I do for you, Helga?"

"Just wanted to use the sauna." Helga smiled back at him. "The rest of Arendelle might be unfrozen, but I've still got some thawing to do." She laughed.

"Ooh, you haven't met the new hired help." Oaken leaned over his shoulder and called out, "Fritz?"

"Y-Yes, Mr. Oaken?" Into the room came the mousiest boy Helga had ever seen.

"Meet Helga." Oaken gestured to her. "She's a friend. Lovely lady."

"Oh, right. Uh, hi, H-Helga." Fritz offered a trembling hand, which Helga shook. Somehow, she was reminded of a bowl of cold pasta. "Fritz Herman Gudmund. That- That's me. That's my name."

Helga gave Oaken a look. "I didn't know you hired little kids here."

"I'm seventeen," Fritz said under his breath.

Helga giggled."Well, I'm pleased to meet you, Fritz."

"Now be a dear and start the sauna, vould you?" added Oaken.

"Yes, Mr. Oaken, right away, Mr. Oaken!" And with that, Fritz scurried off to the back room.

As soon as he was out of sight, Helga frowned. Maybe it was her imagination, but that kid seemed like kind of a creep.

Helga was his soul mate! Fritz could tell! He had a sixth sense about these things. They were destined to be together and get married and have twelve beautiful children! Did you see that longing gaze she gave him? That spark of electricity that passed between them the first time they laid eyes on each other? Helga was the most beautiful woman in the world. No, the most beautiful woman in the universe! She...She'd said she was pleased to meet him! That had to mean something, right? How many other people in Fritz's life had been pleased to even be in his general vicinity?

Fritz's hands were trembling so much, he could hardly get the stones into the fire. His bucket almost sloshed out all over the floor, but he managed to get enough of it on the rocks to form a nice, thick cloud of steam. There. His first time prepping the sauna, and he'd done a great job. Oaken would be so happy with-

"Hi," came Helga's voice from the entrance. "Is it ready yet?"

"Yeah, it's all set to-" Fritz turned around... and promptly sloshed his bucket out all over the floor.

Once, when the reindeer herd had crossed a particularly massive and intricate fjord jutting out over the crystal clear ocean, Fritz had found himself forced to gaze. So powerful was the majesty of it that he'd been physically unable to turn his head. And now, Fritz was discovering that fjords were not the only scenery with that effect on him.

"D-Don't you want wear a towel?" Fritz was shocked to find his voice still worked.

"No thanks. I just like to sit on them." Helga flashed him the most perfectly innocent smile imaginable, then spread her towel over a bench and plopped her bare butt down.

"Oh, okay." Fritz cleared his throat. "I'd, uh, I'd better get back to work, then." He stayed frozen in place. Minutes passed.

With a herculean effort, Fritz wrenched his eyes away. He had to stay respectful. Being in a sauna was like being in a church. Only without the Sunday clothes. You shouldn't stare at people, anyways. It's rude. Don't stare. Don't stare. Don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't-

HE WAS STARING! IT WAS LIKE LOOKING INTO THE SUN! LIKE LOOKING INTO TWO SUNS!

"Um..." Helga shifted in her seat. "Are you okay?"

What was she talking about? Fritz was fine. He was just getting a couple spots in his vision, that was all... Wait, why did Helga have four boobs? Was that norm-?

Thump. The whole world became blackness.

After what felt like an eternity, the world came back into focus, and Fritz found a bright-faced man giving him a concerned look.

"Mr. Oaken? W-Wha-?" Fritz sat up, rubbed his eyes, waited for the room to stop spinning, and then looked around. He seemed to be on a mattress in the trading post's back room.

"You passed out in the sauna," said Oaken from the chair next to him. "That's incredibly unsafe, yah? You're lucky Helga vas there to get you out."

"Oh." Fritz's heart sank. He'd just screwed up big time, hadn't he?

"I'm so sorry, Fritz." Oaken patted his shoulder. "I'm not comfortable employing you anymore. Sauna vasn't even that hot. You have a real problem. You should see a doctor."

"But-" Fritz's lip was quivering. "But I-"

"Also, Helga says you stared at her breasts in a creepy vay, so you're fired for that, too."

"But Mr. Oaken!" Fritz found himself grabbing the man's puffy, marshmallow-like arm. "I need this job! Please, just give me another chance-"

"So sorry, lad. Here." Oaken gently placed a jar into Fritz's hands. "For good feelings."

"But Mr. Oaken-"

"Can you valk? Let me help you outside."

"But-"

The next thing Fritz knew, he was being heaved over Oaken's shoulder like he weighed nothing. Before another word could leave his mouth, Fritz was sitting on the trading post's front porch.

"You really should see a doctor. I'm very busy now. Bye bye!" And with that, Oaken vanished behind the door.

Fritz stayed on the porch, staring at the jar of pickled... fish... things in his hands. He couldn't believe it. He'd been fired. For the fourteenth time in a row.

Fritz entered the butcher shop with a growing sense of dread. After they'd reached the village and the snow had melted, Fritz's momma had scraped together enough cash to buy the old place so she could put her skills with a butcher's knife to use. Other than some dust, the shop had started out pristine. A week later, it had been covered from floor to ceiling in filth. Fritz's momma had that effect on places.

Fritz reluctantly shut the door behind him and slinked to the center of the room.

"Let. Me. Guess." Each word was punctuated by a chop of the knife. "You were fired again?" His momma looked up from the counter to glare into Fritz's very soul.

Fritz carefully examined the fibers of his boots. "Yes, Momma."

His momma set down her knife, marched across the floor, and came to a halt in front of him. "Look at me, Fritz."

Fritz was already wincing before he'd even made eye contact. Smack. His face was left stinging. How did she manage to hit the exact same spot every time?

"You come through this door with a job, or you don't come through at all. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Momma..."

Fritz was left standing on the front steps of a building for the second time that day.

He shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and then set off over the cobblestone. Arendelle's capital was filled to the brim with hustling and bustling people, but none who noticed or cared about a little boy limping through the streets. None willing to hand out jobs to some idiot who'd flunked out of every form of higher education he'd ever pursued and couldn't even do menial labor without tripping over himself.

Fritz pressed a palm to his purple cheek. None who'd... who'd even stop to look his way if he started singing, in a trembling voice:

"Boy, what a big sur-prise.

Looks like I screwed up once again.

I guess at this point, it's quite plain to see,

The whole darn world hates me.

I've got no friends.

Not loved by my own mother.

I'm one big mistake.

What am I gonna do?"

"Do you want to guard the Snow Queen?"

"What?" Fritz spun around to find a handful of men gathered in the middle of the street.

"Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself." The tallest, most broad-shouldered man stepped forward. He was decked out in an emerald uniform covered in badges, and the black, cylindrical hat on his noggin only served to make him seem even taller. "I'm the Admiral of Arendelle's royal guard." He extended a gloves hand to shake. "I'm scouting for new blood."

Fritz had to glance over his shoulder to make sure there was no one behind him. "You- You want me to be a guard?"

The Admiral nodded. "If you're in need of a job. What do you do for a living, son?"

Fritz blinked. Was this real? "I... I herd reindeer. Or, well, I used to..."

"Ah, that explains it!" One of the Admiral's friends felt up Fritz's arm. "That'll really build up the muscle mass." His fingers squeezed right against the bone.

"Not to mention all the guarding skills you learn herding reindeer." If Fritz didn't know any better, he'd think the Admiral's other friend almost snickered as he spoke.

"Reindeer can be pretty crafty..." Fritz said thoughtfully.

"It's decided!" said the Admiral, slapping Fritz's back. "Only someone of your competence level is fit to bodyguard the queen. After all, we wouldn't want any..." He gave a dramatic pause. "...harm to befall her."

His friends chuckled to themselves.

"Harm?" frowned Fritz. "What kind of harm would befall her, exactly?"

"Oh, y'know..." the Admiral said idly, examining his fingernails, "there are some people out there who might want to burn the queen at the stake after everything she did."

Fritz was nonplussed. "Why, what'd she do?"

For a second, Fritz worried the men might cough up their lungs from laughing so incredulously.

"Have you been living under a rock?" one of them howled.

Fritz shrank. "I, uh, I don't do the whole 'social interaction' thing..."

"What, did you think last July's little snowstorm was just freak weather?" smirked the Admiral.

"I... didn't think it wasn't freak weather," Fritz muttered. "But what does that have to do with the queen?"

The men burst into another round of laughter.

"What does it have to do with the queen?" As the Admiral spoke, an ominous tune started playing in the background. "Kid, it has everything to do with the queen."

"Wait." Fritz held out his hands. "Are you about to si-?"

"She's cold!"

"She's bold!"

"She's young!"

"She's old!"

"She's here!"

"She's there!"

"She's everywhere!"

"She's good!"

"She's bad!"

"She's glad!"

"She's sad!"

"She's quick and slick and barking mad!"

In unison, the men sang:

"Snow Queen! Snow Queen! She's a very mean Snow Queen!"

Out of nowhere, Fritz was sent tumbling into an imaginary dream world. The Admiral and his men transformed into giant, distorted heads, circling him and chanting while nightmarish visions of a frosty female figure danced before Fritz's eyes.

"The evil Snow Queen Elsa's,

Mentally unwell-sa!

The evil Snow Queen Elsa's very cold!"

"Cold!"

"Cold!"

"Cold!"

"She's got dangerous magic.

It's really quite tragic.

Locked in her hold when she was eight years old!"

"Old!"

"Old!"

"Old!"

"She's extra-ordinary, so better be wary.

Her ice can come in any shape and size."

"Size!"

"Size!"

"Size!"

"And if you dare displease her, you're sent to the freezer.

The only answer might be regicide."

Fritz looked blank. "What's that?"

"Nothing, nothing," the Admiral said hurriedly.

"She's mad!"

"She's chill!"

"She's sick!"

"She's well!"

"She's thin!"

"She's fat!"

"She froze Arendelle!"

"She stole the throne in a horrible plot!"

"Although she's also... kinda hot."

"Wait, what-?" said Fritz.

"Snow Queen! Snow Queen! She's a very mean Snow Queen!"

The lyrics came to an end, followed by an instrumental sequence that honestly went on a bit too long. Then, thanks to the power of musical montage time elapses, Fritz found himself standing in the hallway of Arendelle castle, wearing the emerald uniform of the royal guard.

The Admiral gave Fritz another slap on the back as he led him to a door at the end of the hall. "The queen and her sister are just behind this door. You ready to meet them?"

Fritz's teeth were chattering, but... he couldn't say no. At this point, the odds of finding a better job were astronomical. Besides, what would Fritz's momma say if she knew he'd backed out of a perfectly good job opportunity just because he was scared of some girl... who could freeze him to death on the slightest whim. And was probably horribly deformed, covered in warts, with a pointy hat, a broomstick, and a sadistic streak a mile wide...

Fritz braced himself as the Admiral reached for the doorknob. Somehow, he could already tell this "Snow Queen" would be the absolute worst person Fritz would ever meet in his life.

Author's Note: Oh, look, I'm writing Frozen fanfiction again. Guess that was pretty inevitable. This one ties in with my Frozen Wight fanfic, but reading that isn't important to understanding this one. Heck, it's even less important than it was for Anatomy of a Snowwoman. This story is pretty much a complete standalone.