A/N While we're here, can I just remark on the fact that Konoha calls their leader the motherfucking fire shadow. That is some supervillain shit right there. Real Ra's al Ghul style. Like, if you were in a Bond film and you heard that the Third Great Fire Shadow wanted to see you you'd be expecting moon lasers and ninja assassins and torture chambers. Which... yeah, you wouldn't be too far off either.

Also, there were going to be so many dwarf fortress references in this update, but it is just way too obscure for me to justify it. Plus they weren't very funny.

ooo

"Naruto, my Rival!" Screamed a black haired Youth in a high pitched voice. He was sporting a bowl cut and green outfit with orange leg warmers, "your most Youthful pranks have been most excellent Training!"

"Tetsuo, I am afraid their time is at an end!" Howled back Naruto sadly, blonde hair resembling a shining helmet in the sun and thick eyebrows apparently trying to conquer his face one follicle at a time. He was wearing a similar outfit in orange with green leg warmers, "the Hokage has forbidden me from continuing them now that I am a genin of our Green Village!"

Kakashi looked in from the doorway, his shock hidden in an instant with the ease of long practice and repeated exposure to Gai's eccentricities. The third genin of the new team looked to be halfway between horror and laughter.

"Naruto, I am saddened by this knowledge!" shouted Tetsuo enthusiastically, then he glanced to the side and widened his eyes pretending to notice their new sensei, "You! My mentor's rival! You shall be our Eternal Rival!" he announced, dramatically thrusting his finger to point at Kakashi.

"Yosh!" agreed Naruto, hands on hips, "we shall wake you from your bed every morning at 5 to join our most youthful training! Will that not be fun!?"

"Mmm, what was that?" asked their silver haired jounin instructor, falling back on his well developed survival tactic and feigning deafness.

Tetsuo sighed loudly, then both boys were concealed in a puff of smoke as they returned to their more normal forms and clothes. "Man, it's no fun when he doesn't react like that," complained Naruto.

"Well that's why I do it," explained Kakashi mildly. "My first impression is, that you seem like a handful. I'll see you on the roof." He added before disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

"I was hoping for more of a reaction," remarked Tetsuo as they made their way up the stairs, "I mean, that's got to be one of his greatest fears right there."

"I've got something that'll work on him," promised Naruto, "if he's as pervy as you say he is." Hinata reddened slightly at this.

ooo

Hatake Kakashi PoV

Kakashi had fled the room for the academy rooftop. He'd thought he'd been ready to deal with this. Guilt crashed down on him, failure compounded by failure. Mistake upon mistake. A lifetime of it. I wasn't there with them, I wasn't there for him. His panicked internal monologue ran, I couldn't! It wasn't, there weren't! He winced, get a hold of yourself, they'll be here soon and I refuse to break down in front of three green genin. Kakashi made a heroic effort to centre himself before they arrived, but he was still thankful that his mask hid his face when the three joined him on the roof. It was so much easier to lie with just one eye.

"So why don't you tell me a bit about yourselves?" Kakashi drawled in a carefully constructed lazy voice, "likes, dislikes, hobbies, goals for the future, that sort of thing."

"You first," replied Naruto, "Tetsuo told us all about you so we'll know if you're lying." Hmm, well he's smart enough to be comparing evidence, considered Kakashi, but dumb enough to tell me about it and render it mostly pointless.



"I like some things, and dislike others." Kakashi responded fippantly, "you're all too young to know my hobbies. My goals for the future? Well..." he merely trailed off with an eye smile. "Your turn."

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto!" the kid with conviction, having quickly gotten over his annoyance. It hurt Kakashi to look at him. The blond hair, the blue eyes, the open expression. "I like ramen, ninjas, my friend Tetsuo and the food he makes. I don't like Sasuke, and people who look down on me. I'm going to be the Hokage and keep everyone safe!" Like father like son I guess. Maybe wanting to be Hokage runs in the family.



Wrenching his thoughts off that painful path he turned to the next kid, who was vaguely familiar now that the bowl cut was gone. "And you?" asked Kakashi.

"I am Nakano Tetsuo. I like learning, older women and cooking delicious meals to share with my friends, like Naruto." Began the orange eyed brat cheerily with a nod to his friend. Kakashi's thoughts were elsewhere though, where do I know that name… That son of a bitch, he set me up with Gai's kid! Ugh, and he smells of cat. "I dislike the naive when their actions lead to more death and pain than the pragmatic, and the pragmatic when they justify pointless or sub-optimal actions as necessary evil. I also can't stand plain boiled carrots. I mean, what the fuck? Are they trying to make people hate vegetables? Because that's the only goal that makes sense."

"Goals for the future?" Tetsuo looked off into the distance, "well, I suppose it is a silly one for a shinobi. This world is bloody, violent and harsh. I would make it softer so as to better suit mankind. I want to save as many lives as possible and keep them happy as long as I can." Ah, an idealist. This kid would be meat on the front lines.

Tetsuo's tone voice turned dark and his face serious, "and one other thing, more of an ambition. I must kill a certain man. My hobbies involve explosives, poison and trickery," Or maybe he'd fit right in. "Oh, and inventing new recipes to try out," he finished cheerfully.



Note to self, thought Kakashi, check all food this kid gives you. Fresh genin aren't supposed to flip between emotional states like that. Now, let's see how the clan heir wants me to think she thinks.

The third member of their group was navy haired with a round face, and she held herself in a very proper manner. When she spoke it was serene and confident. "I am Hyuuga Hinata. I like my little brother Hideki-kun, my cousins Neji-nii-san and Sachi-chan and I enjoy walking home on cool, rainy days. I dislike pickles and when people feel constricted by things they cannot control. My hobbies are sparring, flower arranging and making things that help people." Hinata continued calmly. Ah, finally a normal one, mused Kakashi, then steel entered her voice, "there is a promise I have made to someone close to me. I must keep it no matter what."

"Well, aren't you serious, my cute little academy students." Wondered Kakashi aloud, to a remarkable absence of reaction. Thinking they might just be unobservant he pushed on, "The ancient and mysterious bond is formed by telling each other a few things about yourselves. Of course, you'll still have to pass my test to become real genin."

He waited for their angry denials. They looked bored. His eye narrowed, "you knew already." said Kakashi, it was not a question.

"Of course we knew!" shouted Naruto defiantly. "Who wouldn't?

"Gai told me," explained Tetsuo, "Hinata already knew as clan heir and I told Naruto the other day." A sly smile towards his friend, "he flipped out." The young Jinchuuriki's sputtered protests were interrupted when Kakashi continued.

"Well, that's no fun," he deadpanned, "since you knew already I'll just tell you to meet me at training ground 3 tomorrow morning at 6 for the test. Don't bother to eat breakfast, you'll just throw up anyway." His piece said, Kakashi fled in a swirl of leaves.

Maybe I could make the test harder, a traitorous thought whispered as he started towards the memorial stone where he could calm down and think. They'd go back to the academy for a bit till another Jounin wants a team, they could get another teacher. If they could stay kids just a little while longer, maybe that would be for the best.