5: For one wonderful summer I road the subway to work everyday. Yes, in Los Angeles. Also, I never paid. Eventually I got busted of course. I stupidly tried to pretend I’d just moved and didn’t know better. I thought if I said I didn’t have a permanent address I couldn’t get a ticket. I got the ticket anyway, and with so much info wrong, I needed to go downtown and fix it before I could pay the fine. But I did the math and even with my ridiculous fine I saved around $20 overall! Suck it, LA Transit! 4: My first speeding ticket was received when my friend and I spotted one of those things they place on the side of the road that displays how fast you're going. We thought it would be fun to keep passing it, going faster and faster each time. Guess how this blew up in my face? 3: At a party in junior high a friend and I thought it would be hilarious to pull a boat on a trailer from a neighbor’s backyard into the street. The cops didn't think it was funny when they caught us red-handed (called in about the noise of the party). They thought it was even less funny when I tried to steal a McDonald’s Batman commemorative cup from out of their squad car.

2: Several years ago I got pinched for drunk driving. Sure, driving drunk is stupid in itself, but what really had me kicking myself was - I’d successfully made it home! I’d parked the car and gone inside! Then I decided I wanted disgusting Taco Bell, stupidly forgetting that they don’t have 24hr drive-thrus in my parents’ town. So even if I hadn’t gotten pulled over I still wouldn’t have achieved burritofication. What a waste. 1: In 4th grade I stole the beloved soft-shell turtle from my homeroom. Stupid #1: I involved my oafish friend Ryan, who accidentally killed the poor thing within moments of us getting it home. Stupid #2: I demanded money from Ryan for killing it, poisoning our criminal partnership. Stupid #3: I put the dead turtle back in the classroom, thinking this was somehow better than it just being missing. Stupid #4: When questioned about the turtle, I decided to pointlessly frame Ryan out of spite. Stupid #5: When Ryan inevitably told our teacher the truth I was almost expelled and held back a grade. And I was an honor student too.