Bears Not Going to School as Often as DeVos Thinks, Say Forest Animals

A majority of forest animals claim bears are not attending schools as often as Education Secretary candidate Betsy DeVos thinks. "I can't remember the last time I've seen a bear here," said a white-tailed deer attending Henderson High School in Yellow Tongue, Wyoming.

Animals throughout the U.S. agreed. A grey wolf between classes told reporters that he wouldn't be taking Spanish if he thought a grizzly might interfere with the conjugation of verbs.

A North American Moose named Giuseppe swore that he had seen bears in the school cafeteria at a high school in Maine, although he later admitted that he had taken Adderol, smoked a joint, and done shots of Stoli an hour before the alleged sighting. "I was soooo fucked up," Giuseppe admitted. "It was awesome."