This is huge news, you guys. Huge! It was announced back in September but somehow I completely missed it. You see, one scientist by the name of fernieboy100, published his research in the venerable journal YouTube, showing without a doubt that the Bible is true and science is false because the Earth is most definitely not rotating.

OK, I know that it’s 30 minutes long and you have better things to do with your time like figuring out who you’re going to vote for in the Prezoodential elections at Franklin Park Zoo (um Stella the Red Panda, no duh), but this is important! Oh fine, I’ll try my best to sum up the entire video in one sentence:

“The Earth isn’t rotating because if it was, we’d all be motion sick from moving at 1,000 miles an hour.”

That is the argument, re-stated again and again, through all 30 minutes of the video. Go on, have a look. If you must skip most of it, at least don’t you dare miss the part around the 23-minute mark where it’s just a string of videos showing people falling off things.

fernieboy100 maintains that the Earth’s atmosphere is not a solid – it is a gas (note: this has been confirmed by godless heathen scientists). When a hot air balloon is hanging in the air, the Earth isn’t spinning beneath it. “Scientists” would tell you that this is because the Earth’s atmosphere moves along with the rotation of the Earth, but fernieboy100 proves conclusively that the gas around a solid does not move with the solid.

He demonstrates this using a remote control helicopter he procured from his local Sharper Image Scientific Supply Outlet. When the helicopter lifts off his non-moving pick-up truck, it moves (mostly) straight up into the air. When his pick-up is moving, the helicopter does not lift straight up. Because his pick-up’s atmosphere is remarkably similar to that of Earth’s, this proves that Earth is not moving. Get it? The gas around an object (which we apparently always call an “atmosphere”) does not move with the object.

Checkmate, science!

This research is not without it’s controversies, though. When reached for comment, a 12-year old astronomy enthusiast named Kaitlyn said, “What about Jupiter?”

In response, fernieboy100 issued a press release that read in full:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE What?

At a press conference held several days later in Mr. Andrews’ 4th period physics class, Kaitlyn clarified with the following statement:

Jupiter might have a small rocky core but it’s made of mostly hydrogen and helium, and we can see it rotating even though it’s pretty much all gas. Also, Jessica took my hairband and won’t give it back.

fernieboy100 took several months to consider this new information and run more RC helicopter-based calculations before finally issuing one final press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE I, fernieboy100, am now an atheist who renounces my lord and savior Jesus Christ and his Holy word the Bible.

Ah, well. It was a great theory while it lasted.

Thanks to Angel for sending in this tip!