The theme of 2016 is a variation on a standard one.

Even before I started dedicating the bulk of my creative output to lampooning politicians and pundits, I was quite familiar with the paradigm of “choosing between the lesser of two evils” when it comes to our elections in this country. But if we are typically given such a choice, then surely this year is the one where we edited the phrase a bit to something more along the likes of, “choosing between the least despised of two oligarchs.”

Hillary fans will be really pissed about this, but it’s fact — her favorability ratings are in the toilet. If she was about to square-off against anyone but Trump (Butt Trump?), she’d be in deep, deep trouble. It’s not media spin, and it’s not some right-wing conspiracy that she and Trump have about 60% of the country that straight-up do not like them. Whether or not her numbers are in the tank because they are buying into legit critique of her policies, or they are buying into right-wing nutjob bullshit is certainly a matter for examination. But be real, Hillary fans, or you’re going to get blindsided in the fall, and I don’t mean that Sandra Bullock will be in the voting booth with you.

I also know that every pundit under the sun has told us to ignore headlines like these:

http://www.politico.com/story/2016/05/poll-trump-hillary-clinton-223713

But these are the same pundits who have told us that Trump wouldn’t make it to this stage of the game, at every step along the way. I’m not one who says they’re all wrong just because, and I do think going to school and studying political science makes you qualified to make educated guesses. I’m just saying that it should probably scare a lot of people that Hillary isn’t beating the shit out of Trump in the polls right now, because compared to him, a herpe sore is a better choice, not just for president, but for literally anything else where you might be considering interacting with Trump on any level.





To me, the fundamental flaw in the Hillary camp’s calculations has been that not everyone is in this country is a loyal Democrat, but they are behaving as if the overwhelming majority are. That’s simply not true. So all the crowing about closed primary victories, three million more popular votes than Sanders has, and the like, may not matter much if independents who feel shafted are unleashed on the ballot boxes this fall. Then again, my warnings to you all may not matter either; that’s why I’m not in the business of predicting…just the business of mockery. But still, I can’t help but feel that the Democrats may be walking into a buzz saw that they had every opportunity to avoid, and just through sheer hubris and self-denial still wind-up getting cut into ribbons by it.

Opinion polls like those that show Clinton and Trump tied while Sanders beats The Donald are frustrating and maddening as hell to people like me. Yes, I’m a Bernie or Bust guy, but it’s based mostly on where I live, and it’s not like I want Trump to win. So to know that you’re backing the candidate that is still multiple double-digits ahead of the bewigged bloviator and yet you’re still very, very likely to be asked to vote for the candidate that doesn’t have the same kind of lead, and in some polls is trailing is the source of consternation that feels both eternal and unfair.

Still, the votes have been cast, and indeed in a primary season that is mostly closed and where the largest state goes almost dead last (even though its results could have had all kinds of influence on the other primaries), Hillary is the one looking most likely to go up against Donald. And undoubtedly on paper the Dems’ lead in the Electoral College is pretty insurmountable. But dumber things have happened in this country, and so I’m not willing to completely buy into the narrative that Trump vs. Clinton is a slam-dunk win for Hillary. It should be, but then again Gore should have carried his own home state and then Florida and all the bullshit about Nader costing Al the election would be moot.

I don’t think Hillary is a bad person. I think she is morally opaque, deliberately so. I think she is cynical, deliberately so. And I think though at one time she and her husband represented an insurgence into the upper echelons of power by outsiders, they are anything but now. They are the One Percent. Perhaps their policy goals aren’t as pro-corporate cronyism as Trump’s would be, but those shades of variance may not matter to an extremely angry electorate who just wants to put a crowbar between their government and Wall Street.

If it’s true, that we “get the government we deserve,” then it will be very interesting to see just what kind of government 2016’s election indicates we deserve. I’m not here to say that Hillary in the Oval Office means the end of western civilization as we know it. I’m just saying she might not get a chance to sit in the big chair at the big desk if people decide she’s not the least despised of two oligarchs, crazy as that sounds, because if the American voters decide they’re both mostly anti-One Percent AND anti-establishment political dynasties, she’s toast.

Who needs a mind-altering substance?