Women everywhere are rushing to familiarise themselves with the new internet guidelines, which aim to clarify when they and are not allowed to get upset.

“Women seem to get upset over the slightest thing,” explained online man Kevin Cain, who helped draft the new guidelines in association with a bunch of other men who were concerned that women were “wasting valuable time” and “stifling honest debate”.

“It’s our belief that by clarifying the rules like this, women will save their energy for being upset at the things that actually matter.”

Below are some examples of the updated rules. If you would like more information, simply mention being offended online and a man will help you out.

Somebody Called Me A Gendered Slur (“Bitch”, “Whore”, “Slut”, etc)

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

On the surface these words may seem offensive, but nothing is actually more offensive than censorship and crushing freedom of speech, which is exactly what you’re trying to do. Don’t be so small minded – put your ‘feels’ aside and think about the big picture for once.

People Comment On My Appearance Instead Of My Skill At The Game

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

You are being oversensitive and are lucky people are paying attention to you at all. Perhaps you should consider looking less like the way you do?

This Guy Keeps Explaining My Jokes Back To Me

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

He’s just being charming. He sounds like a charming guy. This whole situation is very charming. You’re charmed!

My Personal Details Have Been Leaked And Someone Is Trying To Dox Me

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

This is your fault for not protecting yourself correctly. Don’t you know how the internet works? These things just happen, like gravity, and are nobody’s fault. Do not move house, you’re just looking for attention when you do that.

I Have Been Sent An Unsolicited Picture Of A Penis

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

What a lovely compliment! It would be terrible of you to be upset about this, and you would definitely be the villain if you forwarded it to, say, their partner, or their wife. Honestly if you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.

Somebody Threatened To Kill Me

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

Think back at the way you were acting. Isn’t this your fault? Did you say something to upset someone? Did you criticise a video game, or the group behaviour of gamers in general? You should have seen this coming. Do not evacuate your house, you are overreacting like you always do.

Whenever I Try To Talk In Chat, Dudes Keep Making Jokes About How I Have Breasts And It’s Making Me Extremely Uncomfortable

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

It’s just harmless jokes! Let these harmless, well-meaning men express themselves in the only way they know how. Make sure to laugh loudly so you don’t make them feel uncomfortable. Watch out for those awkward silences!

Seventeen Different Men Have Proposed Marriage To Me This Week

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

There is no greater sign of commitment and love than a man posting “marry me” on every single Instagram photo you upload. It’s understandable that you’d be uncomfortable when he’s putting his whole life on the line like that for you but try to let him down gently.

Somebody Threatened To Rape Me

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: NO

Step back and evaluate. Are you too female? Could you try being less female? Think about it. Additionally, perhaps you should consider wearing more, or possibly less, clothing.

I Am Literally Being Raped Right Now

Am I Allowed To Be Offended: POSSIBLY, IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU ARE BEING RAPED AND AREN’T JUST MAKING IT UP (LIKE WOMEN DO)

Before being offended, try to consider the feelings of your rapist. Will his future career be ruined as a result of your thoughtless offence-taking?