Yup.

I turned one snide comment into one snide dish.

And then I turned it into the cutest/my favorite thing I’ve ever made.

To the lady who didn’t like my vegan lasagna recipe because I called the vegan ricotta “vegan ricotta” instead of “pine nut paste” (although that does have a ring to it. Cough.) thank you for giving me the idea to make some Raw Vegan Tartare that tastes amazing and looks frighteningly like raw meat. Speaking of frightening things…

FUN FACT: Hey you! Do you have children? You do? Yuck! I’m sorry! But also, I hear Halloween is fast approaching and I’m pretty sure there is one thing and one thing only that makes having kids worth it: making them eat things on Halloween that they think are other, much scarier things. Not like razors in apples things (too scary?), but like Raw Vegan Portobello and Beet Tartare posing as, say, brains! Move over pealed grapes that may or may not be eyeballs! Why don’t you take a seat over there, hard boiled eggs posing as — you’re feeding kids hard boiled eggs on Halloween? You really are a monster.

Now on to the recipe of my new favorite thing ever! (I’m sorry unicorns 😦 you had a good run.)

Raw Vegan Portobello and Beet Tartare

serves 2 as an appetizer, 4 as a spread

Adapted from Chow.com

Portobello Marinade Ingredients:

1 portobello mushroom cap

1 teaspoons olive oil, infused

2 teaspoons vinegar of choice (I used balsamic vinegar for one batch, apple cider vinegar for the other. Both yum.)

2 tablespoons water

1 clove garlic, minced

dash of oregano

dash of black pepper

teeny tiny dash of salt

1/4 teaspoon of one of these optional flavor add-ins: fennel seed, rosemary, oregano, dried thyme, other things you like

The night before you want to eat your tartare and/or impress your friends, you’re going to want to marinate your portobello mushroom caps. Start by removing the stem from your portobello and wiping the dirt off the top of the cap. Mix all the marinade ingredients together and toss in a ziploc bag. Throw the mushroom cap in there two and work it into the marinade to coat the mushroom completely. Try to get all the air out of the bag and wrap it tightly around the mushroom to really get a good soaking. Put the fridge overnight.

Tartare Ingredients

1 tablespoon dijon mustard

2 teaspoons capers, drained

1 tablespoon flax seed powder mixed with 3 tablespoons water

3 pre-marinated beets, finely diced (okay, I didn’t feel like marinating my own beets and Love Beets are perfect in every way)

red onion, finely diced – use as much or as little as you want

pepper, to taste

optional add-ins: sriracha, hot sauce, 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes, squirt of lemon juice

Combine the mustard and the capers. Mash the capers into the mustard as best you can. Add the flax+water mixture and mix in completely.

Remove your marinated mushroom from the fridge. Chop very fine and then chop it a little finer than that. In a medium bowl, mix together the diced mushroom, beets, and red onions. Add your mustard/caper/flax mixture and mix thoroughly. Add some add-ins for an adding in good time. Find some adorable way to present your tartare. Cookie molds work beautifully. As do mini springform pan rings, if you’re a lame-o. Eat as an appetizer or serve with chips or crisps.