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As a noted Chad supporter I figured that it was my civic duty to bring to you all the glory that is The Chad’s Match.com profile. No, unfortunately I did not come across this beauty myself, because if I had Match.com and I saw his profile, The Chad and I would be living happily ever after right now.

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Check out his main picture. Why is he wearing clothes? He’s really pulling off the whole “leaning against an inanimate object and staring seductively into the camera” look that probably helped get him get cast on The Bachelorette. My only critique is the outfit. What is that? What are those jeans? Is that a corduroy jacket? Be better Chad, you are supposed to be giving off luxurious vibes to go along with your luxury real estate. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Now, The Chad is currently 28 years old, so this profile is obviously a few years old. He either A) hasn’t updated it in 2 years and it’s just chillin’ on the net, or B) someone has had these screenshots for a very, very long time and was waiting for the opportunity to roast him. Let’s go with option B.

“I am very proud, I can be too confident sometimes but generally just a cool fun guy that is relaxed around people.”

Let me break this down for a second. No girl wants to hear that a dude can “be too confident.” That is a RED FLAG. C’mon Chad, don’t scare them away with your words before they even get to see your pectoral veins. Also, I’m sorry…..A COOL FUN GUY THAT IS RELAXED AROUND PEOPLE? Coming from a dude that literally said he wanted to rip off the arms and legs of the other contestants and throw their limbless torsos into a pool to watch them drown, I have to go ahead and call bullshit here, Chad.

Love that he basically said “I only want hot, skinny, bitches” but tried to be nice about it. He wasn’t. This basically screams “fatties need not apply” and “if you aren’t 90 lbs with big ole fake boobs, I ain’t interested, but we could MAYBE be friends if you are just awesome but I will never know because I won’t even reply to you, NEXT!”

It’s getting harder and harder to be #teamchad.

Love the zodiac reference. I can totally see The Chad waking up every morning and checking his horoscope, seeing that Mercury is in retrograde, and then seizing the fuck out of the day slangin’ Luxury Real Estate.

“I know I am the best”

Typical Chad. But then again he’s just too confident, so how can we blame him? He’s a LEO OKAY. He just lives his truth.

“I tend to hit every restaurant in the area quite frequently.”

No shit. You eat like a fucking St. Bernard. I hope these restaurants have a decent charcuterie board for you, Chad. We know how much you like your deli meats and fresh lettuce. I wonder how much this dude spends a week on food?

He listed books as one of his favorite things, and that is amazing. I imagine him picking up a book and getting mad if he disagrees with it and then ripping it in half and then eating the remains. Also pretty alarming that a dude with his kind of issues is into reading psychology books. Maybe put the book down and go see a therapist? Homie needs one.

“I love great food.”

Since when is a half raw sweet potato good food?

“Lol I don’t believe in college, I am self taught in all aspects of things”

What the fuck? How do you not believe in something like COLLEGE? It’s okay to like not believe in aliens or some shit, but COLLEGE? It totally makes sense that he is “self taught”, because I do not see The Chad taking to someone, like a PROFESSOR, telling him what to do. If there’s one thing I know about my dude, he hates rules and being told what to do. God love ‘em.

Um. Under “Occupation,” the first thing he says is “dreams.” That literally makes zero sense. He also “has a lot of them” which I can only imagine is him superimposed onto like Godzilla just ripping people apart limb by limb and eating an entire city skyline like a plate of ribs.

“I trade knowledge for cash.”

Do you Chad? Do you really trade your self-taught knowledge for cold hard cash? What are you teaching people? How to score the best deal on a high-rise condo in Tulsa? How to scare the living daylights of out every person around you? How to mix a protein shake? My faith in him is slowly dwindling.

“When it comes to genes and ethnicity, I have awesome genes and I wouldn’t trade my life, body, or genes for anyone else’s”

Chad. Try not to sound like a complete fucking tool for once. This is where I have to draw the line. We get it. You are attractive. You are successful (?). You are in great shape and have more muscles than I have ever seen on a human man. But really? You wouldn’t trade your life for anyone else’s? Not even Leo? Or McConaughey?

“I believe in God, possibly different than your view, and it doesn’t contradict any religions.”

What I am getting from this is that The Chad has his own God….and it’s probably himself. He definitely has a shrine to himself that he worships every night. Love it.

“I had almost met the requirements for my associates with plans of plastic surgery.”

Hate to break it to ya, pal, but getting a two year degree doesn’t just make you a PLASTIC SURGEON. A personal trainer, maybe. A SURGEON, no.

“One day after letting my dog out he never came home.”

I hate to laugh at someone’s tragedy, as a lost pet is like, sad as fuck. But this is is amazing. His own dog, his son, his best friend, ran away from him and never came back. He was “devistated” (does match.com not have spell check?) by this loss, and I can only imagine how many doors and v-necks were harmed when he realized his dog ran away.

(Side note: to whoever stole The Chad’s dog son, I fear for your life)

“I literally will not kill an ant.”

But he will threaten to take your teeth home with him and asks dudes if they want to fight every 30 seconds. He’s just a sensitive dude, what can I say?

So, The Chad has always been The Chad. You can all say he was the producer’s pet, it was just for TV, and they told him to act that way blah blah blah. But after reading this, it is clear that he was 100% just being himself. I’m not sure how I feel about that. But I don’t hate it?

Chad, my DMs are open when you’re ready..

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Image via YouTube / Entertainment Tonight

[via WetPaint]