WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the never-ending stream of news about the current occupant of the Oval Office, an exhausted President Donald Trump reportedly asked himself, “Oh Jesus, now what?” after turning the TV Wednesday and seeing what bullshit thing the president had done this time. “Just a single day without this garbage would be nice, but with this administration, there’s always something, isn’t there?” said Trump, who groaned that everywhere he looked—the television, the newspaper, even his Twitter feed—he was confronted with yet another fucking insane story about the president. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to escape that asshole. Every day I ask myself, ‘When will it all end?’ Because it’s seriously becoming more than I can handle.” At press time, Trump was overheard mumbling to himself that with his luck, he’ll probably wind up having to put up with this horseshit for another four years.

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