Today's gossip has been specifically designed to be immediately printed out and used as tomorrow's chip wrapper one day ahead of schedule. Just add chips!

Theo Walcott is off sick, and Arsenal have the fear. They're prepared to offer Porto £33.2m to trigger a deal for the Colombia striker Jackson Martínez, and are willing to go as high as £33,200,001.01, even if it means they're told to bugger off and come back when they've stopped being so bloody childish. If these high-level negotiations don't work out, it's Real Madrid's Alvaro Morata for them on loan, though nobody's ruling out the Gunners throwing in some non-patronising chocolate coins to sweeten that particular move.

Kyle Walker is a target for Paris Saint-Germain, Monaco and Manchester United, who respectively have more money than sense, don't have to worry too much about tax thresholds, and are absolutely not panicking, no they are not, no they are not.

And no amount of rumours linking Joleon Lescott with a move to Old Trafford suggest otherwise! Fulham are stepping in here to save everyone's embarrassment.

In other Craven Cottage news, Bryan Ruiz is off to Real Betis, leaving Dimitar Berbatov (Glenn Ford) in sole charge of the wonder.

Loïc Rémy is at Newcastle United, but not *at* Newcastle United. Queens Park Rangers manager Harry Redknapp has all the receipts and guarantees, they're in the glove box of his Reliant Regal van. He's revving up that van and threatening to do one, taking all the papers with him! Oo-er, Newcastle! You'd better cough up before Harry wheelspins off!

Aston Villa need to do something, and Norwich City midfielder Wes Hoolihan is a start.

Does anybody remember Spangles, Chopper bikes, Space Dust, Mike Yarwood, and football gossip columns featuring Tom Ince? The Rumour Mill is now in its dotage and struggling, to be honest. Blackpool winger? Denis Healey? Crystal Palace? Eddie Waring? It's coming back to us in fits and starts, though to be honest we're having a job piecing it all together.

Crystal Palace also want Everton striker Nikica Jelavic. Now we're totally stumped.

Cardiff City manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer wants former Manchester United striker Mame Biram Diouf, now at Hannover, and current Red Devil Wilfried Zaha on loan. Is he doing this to impress his old club or show them up? Difficult to say, it's hard to read the man, he's accepted a job from Vincent Tan after all, he could be up to anything.

And Sunderland want Brighton & Hove Albion midfielder Liam Bridcutt, who fancies moving nearer Scotland, hooking up with his old boss Gus Poyet, and getting out of the road of ageing media types from London making a loud song and dance about enjoying the sea air, eating fish and chips, not being in London etc.