Name: 29 February.

Age: Four times younger than every other date.

Appearance: Hands down the worst day of the year.

The worst day? But it’s magical. No, it isn’t. 29 February is a dirty, capitalist day, geared purely towards the needs of the 1%.

But it’s the date when women get to propose to men. Oh, big whoop. Listen, women can do what they want when they want. But, hey, well done for reinforcing the patriarchy, 29 February. Great job.

What if you’re born on 29 February? Doesn’t that make you special? Only special in the sense that Facebook always messes up your birthday. It has no way of telling whether you celebrate your non-leap-year birthdays on 28 February or 1 March, which means it often gets it wrong.

Can we go back a bit? Why is 29 February capitalist? Let me ask you a question. Are you on a salary?

Yes. And that salary is based on the assumption that you work full-time over a 365-day year?

That’s right. Well, there are 366 days this year. Today, you’re basically working for free.

What? That’s an outrage! I know! We should all down tools, right this minute. If our greedy corporate overlords valued us in the slightest, they’d give us an extra day’s pay. Right now. In an envelope.

Actually, they should give me two envelopes, because I’m writing both sides of this conversation. It gets worse. Banks don’t usually count 29 February when they work out customer interest. Today, the banks keep back your hard-earned money as profit.

That’s disgusting. Something should be done. It’s terrible. Roll on the year 2100, I say.

Why? Isn’t that a leap year, too? No, because years divisible by 100 aren’t leap years. February 2100 will only have 28 days.

But 2000 was a year divisible by 100, and that was a leap year. Yes, but only because 2000 is also divisible by 400, which negates the previous “divisible by 100” rule.

I’m so confused. See? This is exactly what the corporations want. To rule by obfuscation. They’re bleeding us dry. We’re all doomed.

Do say: “Occupy 29 February!”

Don’t say: “Actually, I’m freelance, so none of this means anything to me.”