Maybe I should have just started jerking off since I already felt pretty ridiculous sitting down without my pants, porn playing in front of me and a soft chubbie squeezed inside a plastic jar. Ugh, this can’t be right, this just can’t be right, where the hell did my life go. Lot of shit has happened to come to this point but with one pull, I could change everything. I think it takes a lot of courage to go down this path, you really never know what goes through a man’s head when it happens but maybe that’s why they usually find a note. Maybe this is my note to explain myself, so you know what happened, and how it came to this point.



1985. Everyone has a girlfriend, at least once in the last few years. Where’s mine.

1986. Finally lose my virginity to a Vietnamese hooker.

1998. Start a long distance relationship with a married woman in New York going through a separation. We break up

1998. Have a short distance relationship with a Korean nymphomaniac who gets annoyed with my oral skills. We break up

2002 Meet David Choe

2005 Lose lucrative job at Myspace

2013 Drives Asa Akira to the studio once a week, getting intermittent hard ons when she takes off her sweater in what she thinks is too high a temperature.

2014 Krush and I get into a fight over staying at a cabin in Big Bear

Steven Lee is getting on with a real woman in the next room, Val is chuckling at his lifelike dummy’s head that he doesn’t need since he gets real pussy while I’m holding an “Ultra Pump” that’s suppose to increase the size of a penis. Thanks to David, we occasionally get sexual deviant gifts and today was one of em. Could I use the “Ultra Pump”. Hmm, my dick isn’t particularly small or large but it seems to do the job - Well I assume it does which is why I never ask. But most everyone could use a bigger penis, I mean I could use one after all, they don’t call me Long Dong Silver or Mandingo, just the Pooner. Which actually means pussy so funny yea but maybe not so funny no. It took me a few days to finally get the privacy I needed at home since the last thing I needed was my 19 year old freshman coed roommate catching me in some perverted act and there goes my rent and here comes a lawsuit. So she’s finally off to school and I pull out what looks like an 8 inch blue hollow penis shaped cylinder with a black plastic tube running from the top, attached to handle shaped trigger. The bottom had a black plastic lid with a hole cut out. I guess that’s where I insert my dick. Wait, is it suppose to go in flacid or hard. Hard right? I can make it go from limp to solid on my own so I need the pump to make it extra large. But in a compliment to my self esteem, after several tries I can’t stick my hard dick inside. Its too big! Oh awesome, but wait, I still need to test this thing out so maybe I should lube it. Naa, its gonna be too messy to clean up so I decide to balloon it in. So I turn down Madison Scott, think about dry pork chops and wool hats and start to stuff my soggy wang inside the tube. Its still not easy. So I finally get it in but guess what, I can’t get my dick hard because you know, there’s some cold foreign object around it and that’s not sexy at all. So I start linking to my favorite porn clips, “green tee on bed, blonde with gold dress, swedish student, etc. and here. We. Go. My left hand is holding the cylinder and right hand ready to pull the trigger. I’m pretty excited. Ok, cruel women of the world, one small step for man, one large penis for me. First pump, nothing. Second pump, it kinda hurts. Third pump, it really hurts. Oh fuck me. Really, its painful? Yes, its painful, lets think about this. I have my dick inside a hard cylindrical tube. The only opening is a plastic pipe from the top and a plastic floor with my dick poking through it. So as I start pumping the handle, it acts as a vacuum and the plastic around my penis start closing in. Around my penis! Its simple physics man. When one side loses mass, the opposite side gains mass. But I don’t have a visual confirmation because it hurt too much. Man oh man, just like those x-ray glasses and kubrick blind packs, I’ve been ripped off again. Ok, I didn’t pay anything for it but its all about hope, and without hope, there is only darkness. So if you find this note or tumbler page and find me passed out with this weird contraption around my groin, that’s what happened. Thanks David.