David Covucci

When Navy SEALs stormed Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, it was reported that they — after super murdering him with about 500 bullets — found a healthy collection of pornography.

(And let’s be honest, dudes, what porn collection isn’t healthy?)

About a month ago, that fact from the raid, although already widely assumed to be true, was confirmed by Director of National Intelligence James Clapper.

On Wednesday, the office of the director of national intelligence, James Clapper, confirmed for the first time that “some pornographic material” was contained in Bin Laden’s recovered papers and personal effects. But while the US declassified a substantial number of documents and released detailed lists of Bin Laden’s reading preferences, details the pornography kept by the man who was the world’s most-hunted terrorist will remain hidden.

Here’s what I wrote in a piece titled “The United States Government Thinks You Aren’t Man Enough To Know What Porn Osama Bin Laden Jacked It To“:

I imagine being under the constant threat of capture made you require some seriously graphic pornography to get it up. But the United States government isn’t going to let you masturbate like you’re the world’s most wanted man. Because of its “nature,” the government is declining to release what was in OBL’s collection. Fucking bullshit nanny state bullshit. I’m a man. I can handle knowing what kind of porn Osama Bin Laden watched. Ain’t gonna make me like him more, ain’t gonna make me hate him less.

So I did what any intrepid, enterprising reporter would do. I filed a FOIA request with the CIA.

Established in 1966, the Freedom of Information Act essentially allows any citizen to petition federal agencies to release documents they don’t believe the government has the right to classify.

It’s a pretty powerful tool for journalists and Bros alike. I personally believe us dudes have a right to know what the world’s most wanted man masturbated to. I think something like that should enter the public record. Like… what if it turned out he exclusively watched white, male, American porn stars? Wouldn’t that be anathema to his beliefs? Wouldn’t that be an interesting thing to learn about the man?

Yes.

So, I sent the request. Here’s the text of it.

We at the men’s general interest publication BroBible dot com (one of the nation’s largest websites for men), would like to know what pornographic materials Osama Bin Laden had in his possession at the time of his death. We are adults. We can handle it. We would like to know what kind of porn the world’s most wanted man jerked it to. Does being under the constant threat of capture require extra stimulation? I imagine it would be hard for him to focus on his dick, so I figure he had to watch some really nasty shit.

Don’t you think so?

Well, I sent that in and completely forgot about it. This afternoon, a letter arrived at my desk.

Look at that shit! That, my friends, is the CIA sending a letter addressed to BroBible.

I’ll be damned. I just successfully wasted the time of the world’s most powerful spy agency.

UNFORTCH, the contents contained within were disappointing. I figured it would be, the letter a single sheet thin, like a college rejection note.

With regard to the pornographic material Osama Bin Laden had in his possession at the time of his death, responsive records, should they exist, would be contained in the operational files. The CIA Information Act, 50 U.S.C 431, as amended, exempts CIA operational files from search, review, publication, and disclosure requirements of the FOIA. To the extent that this material exists, the CIA would be prohibited by 18 USC Section 1461 from mailing obscene matter.

Mother fuckers.

I will give them credit. They did cite a legitimate statute that allows them to avoid FOIA requests regarding operations.

The agency also noted that FOIA does not require them to answer questions, such as my inquiry about whether the porn was rull nasty.

Oh, well, Bros. I’m sorry.

Here’s the full letter.

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