I stopped at Wawa (a convenience store) on my way home tonight, to get myself coffee creamer. While I waited for my turn to pay, I gazed to my right. Directly in front of my line of vision was a large babyman standing at the automatic teller machine. He was wearing pajama bottoms which hung low, below his belly, with his undies showing. His open jacket and shirt were both too short, which allowed a full five-inch view of his midsection, all the way around. He was punching buttons with his right hand, and his left hand was down the front of his pants. I feel a need to explain that the location of this machine was fully visible to any customer in the store.

Now, I want you to understand exactly what I’m saying here, so pay close attention: This man was not paused in mid-scratch, or mindlessly resting his passive hand. He was enthusiastically handling himself, at great length. At first glance, I thought he was adjusting. We’ve all seen this. But he continued to diddle and shift, until his left-handed movements were more uniform and rhythmic. And his right hand continued to push buttons.

This went on for so long, three customers were served in the line ahead of me.

This went on for so long, I wondered what kind of business he could actually be conducting at this ATM.

I couldn’t look away. It was like a train wreck. So much going on here. So much wrong here.

Customers were served, and then it was my turn. In order to address the cashier, I had to turn my back to babyman. I looked cashier in the eyes and quietly but clearly said, “Okay. There is a man, directly behind me, masturbating at the ATM.”

She said, “What did you say?” because, goodlord, what did I just say? This prompted me to repeat the sentence more slowly and with precision, adding, “Because, it’s Valentine’s Day. And if you can’t love yourself, who will love you, even in the middle of Wawa? You know, because life is just too short to wait till you get home.”

Her eyes became huge as she ever so slightly, cartoonishly shifted her torso to her right, allowing her a clear view over my left shoulder.

She said, “Where?”

Apparently he’d finished his transaction?

I turned to look. Like some kind of awful Valentine’s Day slasher skit, he was standing right behind me.