In light of the documentary about Chloe Prince that will air tomorrow night, I thought we should all be prepared for what looks like it’s going to be a doozy of a predictable documentary.

So, the rules, such as they are, for watching a trans documentary:

Putting on makeup. Two drinks for reverse camera shot into mirror. Doing anything better done in jeans and sneakers in heels and a skirt. Examples: cleaning the house, shoveling the sidewalk, yard work, walking the dog. Before picture shown. Two drinks for picture in stereotypical male mode (sports team, facial hair, military, wedding tux) Camera shot putting on or taking off a bra. Photo of any wig, breast form, padding, etc. Surprise disclosure, when a trans woman is introduced and then partway through the piece, her secret is revealed. Camera focus on masculine body parts: hands, feet, Adam’s apple, height, etc. Any reference to genital surgery that refers to “becoming a woman” or “finally a woman” Minor chords played softly on a piano talk show host saying “you go girl” any discussion of plumbing or electricity black and white childhood shots, MTF with cap gun and cowboy hat, FTM as ballerina. Trans woman saying, “I am not a crossdresser. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Trans woman clutching large teddy bear in hospital bed. Birthday balloons after surgery. Trans woman with new boyfriend (after shot of tearful ex-wife). Trans woman sitting in chair in above-the-knee skirt, posed so you can see what great gams she has. Patient wheeled off to surgery … … lingering shot of the hospital bed with the teddy bear (or wife) left behind. Shot of protaganist sitting at the computer keyboard, looking at a trans support website or surgeon’s website…. Any helping professional teaching deportment Camera in the operating room – just drink the whole bottle Any and all deployments of soft focus = 1 shot Close up of dotted lines in magic marker on pale fleshy body parts = 1 shot Earnest surgeon describes his motivation as “to help [girlname] become the woman she’s always really felt herself to be” = 3 shots Before picture with extreme facial hair – 1 shot Before picture in uniform – Military, Football, etc… – 2 shots Video from hair removal session : Laser – 1 shot, electrolysis – 2 shots Before picture – Last time she wore a dress (F2M) – 1 shots Breast binding – 2 shots Taking Hormones – Self-injecting -3 shots, orals – 1 shot Did anyone mention an arduous and lonely childhood? Meeting the school bully as “the new me” at the High School reunion? Looking at the old picture of self and saying something to the effect of “he was a nice guy….” or “Ken was a lot of fun, but his time is over. It’s Ginger’s turn now!” Trans woman claiming to have IS chromosomal pattern, an affinity for washing dishes, a sudden dislike of sports, etc.

Believe it or not, these are not the most snarky suggestions by some of our mHB board members. Also remember: there are quite a few people who hang out on our boards who have done this kind of media work, including me & Betty, of course, but also Jenny Boylan, amongst others. We need to laugh at ourselves as much as we laugh at the inanity of it all.

Twelve-Steppers should find their own version, of course. Maybe those ice cream poppers? But the point is to feel as physically ill by the end as the drinking crowd.

(Thanks and love to Gwen Smith who wrote her own version of this back in 2005 and to anyone else who has posted their version of this game.)

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