Dear Jesus,

We need to have a chat. You see, I’ve been reading the gospels and I have been struck by how angry you constantly were. Have you paused to read through your sermons before delivering them there to read for tone? This sort of anger is really unbecoming. I understand that there are injustices in the world and that you want to fight them, but this is not the proper way to go about things. You are attacking those on your side and participating in unseemly protests, and frankly, Jesus, this sort of anger leads to bitterness. You need to reconsider your approach.

Maybe taking some time off would help? Or perhaps you should be more careful about the type of people you’re associating with. Tax collectors, fishermen, prostitutes . . . perhaps you need to take some time to listen to your opponents to make sure you’re hearing both sides of this? Perhaps you’ve gotten so caught up in the rhetoric of subversives and radicals that your view has been tainted.

And frankly, Jesus, you’re mean. The name calling you engage in is most unseemly! It really cuts into your credibility. Have you thought about being a little nicer? Take a look at this from one of your sermons in Matthew 23, for example:

23 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.24 You blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel! 25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence. 26 You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also. 27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. 28 So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. 29 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, 30 and say, ‘If we had been living in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partners with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’ 31 So you testify against yourselves, that you are sons of those who murdered the prophets. 32 Fill up, then, the measure of the guilt of your fathers. 33 You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?

Not okay, Jesus, not okay! You do realize you’re taking out those on your own team, right? After all, aren’t the Pharisees servants of God just as you are? I mean yes, I get that you have your disagreements with them, but that doesn’t mean you should publicly call them out like this! Have you thought about going to them privately, and telling them your concerns? Attacking other servants of God in public like this only encourages the enemies of God. Is that really what you want?

I mean take a look at this, in Mark 3:

He entered again into a synagogue; and a man was there whose hand was withered. 2 They were watching Him to see if He would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse Him. 3 He *said to the man with the withered hand, “Get up and come forward!”4 And He *said to them, “Is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the Sabbath, to save a life or to kill?” But they kept silent. 5 After looking around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, He *said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored.

Did you have to make a scene like that? You embarrassed the Pharisees in front of everyone! That’s not the way to change hearts and minds! You could have healed that man quietly, without making a huge deal of it, and then privately approach the Pharisees about changing their rules for healing in the Sabbath, but you didn’t.

Oh, and what about this time, in Matthew 19?

18 Now in the morning, when He was returning to the city, He became hungry. 19 Seeing a lone fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it except leaves only; and He *said to it, “No longer shall there ever be any fruit from you.” And at once the fig tree withered.

Were your hormones off that day? Honestly Jesus, your actions can be so irrational that people won’t take you seriously. You need to control your emotions! You have to be calm, Jesus, and always rational. How else will you convince people of anything?

And perhaps worst of all is this, from Mark 11:

15 Then they *came to Jerusalem. And He entered the temple and began to drive out those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves; 16 and He would not permit anyone to carry merchandise through the temple. 17 And He began to teach and say to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations’? But you have made it a robbers’ den.”

Look, I understand why you were angry, but there are proper ways to go about things! Yes, the money changers were cheating the common people out of their money, which is unjust and a problem, but you can’t just go around holding violent protests like this! You need to push for gradual change, and go through the proper channels. Did you even think about approaching the high priests and temple management about this? Perhaps you could have circulated a petition, and delivered some signatures.

I only have your best in mind, Jesus. I believe you can be better than this. You have some valid points, you really do, it’s your presentation that’s a problem! I just finished reading to the end of several of the gospels, and I have to say, you kind of brought that on yourself. If you’d gone about things properly rather than antagonizing those who could have been our allies you could have brought about some change. The Pharisees might have been willing to adjust a few of their rules, and you might have been able to get the exchange rate at the temple changed slightly. Instead you had to go around antagonizing people and creating enemies!

Sincerely,

A Concerned Individual

This post is satire. As a someone who participates in both in online feminism and in efforts to combat spiritual abuse in the church, I and others like me are constantly told that we are angry and bitter, that we should avoid attacking those “on our side,” that we are emotional, and that we need to follow the proper channels for enacting change. These arguments generally serve to protect those in power, not to liberate or uplift the marginalized or abused. This letter is what I imagine those making these arguments today would have said to Jesus, had they lived in his time.