Gameless Pandering

You know what kind of sites don’t show up nearly often enough in our referrer logs? Gaming sites. Gaming forums. Gaming communities. Whatever, the places where videogamers congregate. It seems like a natural connection, but we haven’t made it, and we only have ourselves to blame. Considering that video games are now bigger than the Beatles and Chewbacca combined, we really should be pitching more woo at the gamer crowd. We always meant to, but then we’d get caught up in another Destiny raid and you know how it goes.

We’re sorry we haven’t paid proper fealty to your kingmaking power, Kotaku. Let’s cuddle, Giant Bomb: we’ll always love you for mentioning us on your tremendous podcast even though you couldn’t remember our name. Bring us your huddled masses zonked out on 5-Hour Energy and Doritos Locos Tacos, Massively. Look down your imperious nose at us, NeoGAF, and pass the devastating judgment we deserve. And /r/Games, well, we’d just be happy if you noticed us, no matter how harshly you moderate our submissions about The Hottest Babes of Atari 2600.

We come in peace, bearing the Razer Tiamat (which (since it’s named after the biggest dragon in Dungeons & Dragons (who in turn was named after the Mesopotamian monstrous embodiment of primordial chaos and goddess of the sea, whose ribs Anu, the God of Heaven (later known as Enlil or Marduk) used to build the vault of Heaven and Earth, and whose tears became the Tigris and Euphrates rivers)) represents new heights of grandiosity in product naming (seriously, where else is there to go beyond “monstrous embodiment of primordial chaos”?)) 2.2-Channel Gaming Headset.

We humbly hope you find it to your liking. We’re talking a 10-foot cloth cable. An innovative auto-adjusting headset. A mic that recesses into the headset so you don’t feel like a douche when you’re just listening to music. A regular old 3.5mm analog cable, none of that digital connector nonsense, so you can plug it into any gaming console, PC, or the other literally hundreds of things with headphone jacks you already own.

And amazeballzest of all, a rear-facing ported subwoofer in each ear, for a deep, rich, strong bass sound (those two subwoofers put the “.2” in “2.2”). Whatever you may think of the bass arms race in headphones, it’s usually the frequency you want up front in a game, so you can hear that approaching assault 'copter or whatever.

Whaddya say, gaming community? Shall we make this the start of a speed run… of love? We’re opening the gamer ga- uh, let’s say, the gamer door wide to welcome you.