Act now! Or you're an awful fucking parent.

This wonderful find, being sold on Craigslist, was clearly written by a parent at the end of their goddamn fucking rope I swear to god I will murder you if you do not get on that scooter and pose right now. The scooter (which is a thing I didn't even know kids needed?) is made of wood and smugness. The reason it's being sold? Because the kid it was lovingly bought for is a failure.


Attend:

Do you dream of your perfect European child scooting across your hardwood floors, waving "hullo mama!" as you relax in your Pøang chair? Then this is the bullshit European baby scooter made of wood and smugness for you. Our child, a failure in our eyes, did not like it. She looked great posing on it though. So it's perfect for posting #Instabrags to Fritter™. But then she would notice the oh-so-fucking-Wes-Andersony wobbly antennae on the front, lean forward, and plam! So it does make a great wobbly antennae toy. And while your kid bats at them like Ralph Wiggums as the other kids scoot around on their plastic Walmart deathmobiles, you can console yourself knowing at least your scooter looks like a hipster footstool from Urban Outfitters. $40. Also have the box.

$40? Are you kidding me? That is a goddamn dream price. Sign me right the fuck up! I don't even have kids or live anywhere near Vancouver, but I would send this person the money (via a Western Union transfer that is like for $5000 that they could cash and send back) and then save this scooter in my garage until I was ready to order a child off of eBay. I would also not let any other children ride it. Not even the little boy downstairs who is the perfect age for a ladybug scooter but also sometimes glares at me.


But that's so typical of kids, right? You buy them a pricey scooter and what do they do? Hate on it. Refuse to use it for its intended purpose. Throw up on it and break off antennae. Actually, this scooter might be more suited for someone who can properly enjoy a delightful wooden toy in whimsical colors. Someone urbane and erudite. Someone who's thirty. Who's in?