TORONTO – As the economic impact of the COVID-19 crisis devastates Canadian household finances, Royal Bank President and CEO David McKay reassured the nation: “I want you all to know in this difficult time, no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.”

McKay, who made $14.5 million in executive compensation in fiscal year 2018, empathized with customers desperate for debt and interest relief. “I get it. You’re scared, you don’t know where the money is going to come from. You’re having trouble getting through to request reduced interest rates, but don’t worry: my position is crazy secure right now.”

Speaking from the sculpture room of his luxuriously appointed 14-bedroom mansion on the Bridle Path, McKay reminded RBC customers how the bank is there to help. “As long as this crisis lasts, you’ll be able to skip mortgage and credit payments. And we’ll collect thousands more on your overdue interest to pay for my collection of Patek Phillippe watches.”

“I know how hard it must be, especially for people in the gig economy,” said the man who has worked for the same company continuously since 1983. “Which is why we’re so thrilled to offer direct deposit of your CERB payment. And we’ll get our cut because we can charge you service fees on that. Let’s say, $10? Nah, $20! Yeah, that’ll make me look good to shareholders!”

“We understand that everyone has to make sacrifices,” said McKay, munching on fig and goat-cheese quiche while wearing his custom-tailored Brioni suit-jamas. “And I want to thank you for flattening the curve, so I can afford to have my housekeeper socially isolate in the 800 square-foot custom marble kitchen.”

McKay then unveiled a new RBC Investments “Covid-Profit Fund” for investors over $1 million.