Slipknot Refuses to Donate Masks to Hospital Battling COVID-19

DES MOINES, Iowa — Members of longstanding nü-metal band Slipknot are facing intense criticism today for refusing to donate their signature masks to medical personnel on the front lines battling the COVID-19 pandemic.

“There are a lot of people on Twitter demanding we give up our masks to help in this fight, and that is simply not going to happen,” said keyboardist Craig “133” Jones. “These masks are what connect us to our music, and frankly, it’s in the best interest of the public that we don’t give these up — if we did, doctors would be too busy headbanging to get their jobs done. Plus, I spent a lot of time hammering nails through the top of my helmet. I’m not just going to give that up because our hospitals are grossly underfunded.”

Even longtime Slipknot defenders are upset the band is not stepping up.

“Before all of this, I’d wear my ‘People = Shit’ shirt everywhere — I wore it to my sister’s wedding and it pissed a lot of family members off. But things have changed,” said Toby “Gudge” Duskin. “We all need to do what we can to help stop the spread of this disease. I donated a few pairs of my jeans to a local company making masks, and when they saw the size of those pants they were ecstatic. I always thought JNCOs just looked super cool, but it turns out just a single pair can be made into 4,000 face masks. So, step up, Slipknot — the country needs you.”

Doctors across the country were quick to explain that masks donated by gimmicky bands do nothing to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

“We want to thank all the musicians trying to help, but the masks you donate just end up in the trash. The members of Mushroomhead and The Locust were some of the first to donate supplies, but as soon as our staff put them on they were overwhelmed by the smell,” said physician Dr. Amir Patel. “These masks don’t have the proper filters, and probably contain some other diseases that we should not be exposing any patients to. Again, thank you for trying to help, but please just raise money and donate it to a hospital instead.”

Given the continuing spread of the disease, the CDC is expected to institute new guidelines suggesting everyone wear the weird Daft Punk futuristic helmets anytime they are in public.

Headline by Lee Newell.