WASHINGTON—In an effort to carefully weigh every option before determining his future, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly huddled with several of his closest advisers Friday to decide whether to “pony up 200 smackers” for Scorpions tickets. “This is the toughest decision I’ve faced—sure, it’s Rudy Schenker and the boys from Hanover we’re talking about, but I don’t know if I can swing 200 bones for just one night of the Scorps,” said Biden, who reportedly took a large swig from a Keystone tallboy while listening to his chief of staff Steve Ricchetti debate with fellow confidants T-Bone and The Gooch about the merits of scoring tickets from a scalper in the parking lot. “Shit, I guess Candi could slip into that low-cut number of hers and distract security with the goods while I sneak into a service entrance. Pretty damn risky, and I ain’t too keen on spending another night in the clink like I did back in ’84 during the Love At First Sting tour. This could be my last shot; I’m not sure Joe will be around for the Scorpions’ 75th anniversary tour.” At press time, Biden announced plans to form an exploratory committee to look into the possibility of acquiring Scorpions tickets in exchange for a pair of 240-watt Pioneer stereo speakers.

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