I'm a survivor, I got tossed out into the streets at 18 with no qualifications, no money and just the clothes on my back and I broke into an old building, stole old clothes from charity bins and stole food out of bins until I came up with a plan, that plan failed, I never got into the IT sector despite knowing more than most level 1 and 2 tech support lackies and lived on the streets for a whole year without begging, hell i even beat up another tramp and stole his shoes, when I was kicked out of the house I'd never so much as looked at someone the wrong way.

Now I live in a shitty 1 bedroom apartment, haven't talked to anyone in over 2 years, mail only, sponge off benefits and going outside scares me, took me 4 months to afford the worst laptop the second hand ads could offer in the local paper, feels good to be on top.

Completely and utterly true, I snapped on the streets when I was beaten up by kids for falling asleep on a slide in a park one night, I've been in battle mode ever since.

Ergh... ok, trolls ahoy and all that shit.

At 18 I was tossed out because I was doing nothing with my life. no friends, virgin, no schooling, I was a shit stain to my parents.

My first night on the streets was hard, it was -5c, I remembered this old boarded up house a few miles away, so i walked there, spent a good half hour kicking off some of the boards to get in, then slumped in a corner, i thought i was going to die there.

the next day I sat in there worrying, on the night the cold crept in and i sought to stay warm, if i got sick i was dead, i wandered around for trash bags, cardboard, anything to stay warm, saw a blue charity bin outside an oxfam shop unlocked, win, i ransacked that motherfucker and ran back to my hovel with 6 bags of rags, they were very heavy but i knew they wouldnt make the same mistake, better to have too much than not enough, i smothered myself in the rags to stay warm and it worked okish, i more or less fell asleep in the pile, shit felt good, felt that evil in me start to sprout.

few days later my hunger was killing me so at night i lurked out again, diving into bins for half eaten kebabs, bottles of pop etc, it was disgusting, but it kept me alive. i lived this way for about a month.

one night after wandering i fell asleep on a park slide, i promised myself i would just rest my eyes, i woke up with a boot in my gut, i was being kicked, punched, stomped by a group of 14-16 year olds, i tried to run but they ran after me, i made it into someones back garden, i was cornered, i grabbed the nearest thing, a broken off rusted gate, and began violently swinging it, i managed to get 2 of them in the face, they gave up and i collapsed, then the owner came out screaming at me so i stole the gate and ran back to my hovel.

wanna know more? im not typing this all up if its to be ignored

ok.

my midnight raid routine continued for months until i started to get real pissed off at everyone, no fucker was helping me, so i had to help myself, so i started raiding residential neighbourhoods bins, they had to have better shit in there, more wasteful the better, I'd leave bags torn wide open, chicken carcus or whatever i could find thrown all over the street, and this was fine for a while until i started wanting more than just mere survival, i wanted money.

I started breaking into old cars, my trusty fucking brick was my weapon of choice, many satnavs, phones, wallets, expensive shit fell to it's power, id beat the fuck out of locked glove boxes to open them, retards thought if they locked it i wouldnt look, fuck me if it was locked i KNEW something good had to be inside it, i pawned that shit and started saving money, money was good, i could afford to buy pizza rather than eat filthy stale crust out of the bins, and i kept my money in a pair of thick tights i wore on me under my jeans.

eventually I had 1000 quid, the pawn shops i sold my shit to ripped me off because they knew the stuff i was selling was stolen and they needed money to keep their mouths shut and i didnt have to sign any forms saying i used to own it, fair enough, as long as i was getting money, with that 1000 i made a plan, i went to the council house and bought a new birth certificate to proove my identity, then i started sleeping in an internet cafe every night, they had nice big chairs and at 15 quid a night i could internet and sleep as much as i wanted, 10pm til 8am, using the internet cafe i started researching what i needed to do to get off the streets, things were looking up for me. i thought my year of hell was over.

pot noodle was good, fucking chicken and mushroom, anyway.

I looked online for jobs and how one would go about getting housing without any real ID, and I was fucked, I needed the chicken before the egg, in order to renew my passport and driving license I needed a place to stay, so i asked marvin if i could put his cafe down as my residentual address, he told me to fuck off, so i had to find a hostle, they wouldnt either, and i fucking raged, i was trapped on the streets, without i could prove who I was, I couldnt get anywhere, eventually my 1000 turned into 200, i was running out of cash fast, so i decided to start sleeping in my hovel and eating out of the bins again, and that was fine, my money was saved until i could figure out a way out, until one night i was having a wash in a public park toilet and I was mugged, they took my money and beat the shit out of me, all i was left with was the boxers i was wearing and i found my jeans half way accross the park. i was back to nothing, many nights i cried, i didnt want to go back to breaking into cars and pissing people off but I had to, so a few nights later i did, i found another brick, and i broke into a brand new BMW, one with great alarms and all the bells and whistles because i spotted a purse on the passenger seat, it was worth the risk.

in the purse I found jewellery, 150 quid, credit cards, debit cards, pictures etc, of course i took the jewellery and pawned it, and i was back upto 240 quid in a single night, rock on.

i thought of a way out, it was risky, but fuck it, i was so used to stealing everything else by now, why not pretend i lived somewhere right? right. i searched around for a house that was abandoned, the hovel i was living in was obviously condemned and would have sent alarm bells ringing, but this one house seemed recently vacated, a council house obviously, metal grills meant council. i waited until night then I snuck around the back, to my fucking astonishment there was a locked dog flap, it took little more than a good fucking kicking to get in, i now had a residential address, now i needed a passport application and driving license, i went to the post office the next day, filled out the forms, the day after that, got a passport picture done, got my doctor to countersign, and about a month later, i had 2 letters with my name and address on it and some government approved ID, NOW things were looking up, i could apply for jobs.

i can just about laugh about it now, but that gate kept me safe when i was asleep, id sleep with it next to me in the hovel, it was too heavy to use as something like a bat, but i could carry it, and i could swing it, and it proved it use.

I started applying for jobs, this was 2 years ago, recession, no fucker was hiring anyone with no skills, everyone who had been laid off had already snapped up jobs, i camped out at the job center for 2 hours a day begging for a job, any job, but the way i looked, the clothes i wore, the way i smelled etc, i wouldnt have got a job even if i was offered one, i suppose they saw that too, i needed to clean myself up, but how could I? endless fucking challenges, nobody is going to leave a suit, shower and razor set in their car, and breaking into houses was out of the question, with around 90 quid left spent from getting my ID (yes, it is that expensive), i took a chance, went to primark, bought my shit, 2 sets of casual clothes and a suit bringing me down to 30 quid, went to a local swimming baths, snuck into the changing room, took a shower, stole a jacket someone had left on the coat hooks on my way out, that night i went to 24 hour asda, bought a shaving kit and scissors, shaved in the bathroom and cut my hair before getting swiftly kicked out, i looked semi-presentable, and low and behold, the job center started giving me the time of day, and finally i started getting somewhere.

there was an opening for an IT temp, no quals necessary, i fucking jumped at it, the company was small but it looked promising, very fucking promising. i was wrong, despite knowing my shit i was looked down upon, it was obvious i was street shit, however there was ONE girl who kind of looked past it, and at lunch she started talking to me, she was polish, didnt speak english very well at all, but even though i smelt like sweat and shit, she tried to make conversation, unfortunately my time on the streets turned me fucking nuts, i didnt trust people. i hated everyone, and i knew she was only talking to me out of some sense of obligation, she didnt actually like me.

one day after work i started walking home and she asked where i live, i didnt tell her, i said it was none of her business, she looked at me point blank and said "you're a tramp aren't you, its obvious, the way you look, smell, act, it's written all over your face" and i started crying in the street, and im not talking weeps, i cracked and let it all out, slumped down next to a wall and she just stood there looking at me, when i let up she said "I'll take you for something to eat, but only if you promise to tell me everything, i can help you", fine, she didnt say it in that grade of english, but give her a break, shes fucking polish, i dont speak a word of pole, and for once in a year and a half, I reached out for help, real help. she took me to fucking papa johns, bought me a huge cheese pizza, and I spilled everything, where i was, what i was doing, the stealing, the struggling, the muggings, the beatings, everything, and then she said something i'd fucking wanted someone to say to me for a long long time, "It's going to be okay, I'm going to help you", i didnt care people were staring, I sat and silently wept as she told me what she could do, what i could do, places i could visit for housing, benefits i was entitled to etc... it was amazing.

the first night i met her near our workplace, all of my "things", "things" being the clothes i wore, the documents and passports in my jeans pocket, and we waited for her bus, she started laying down all the ground rules, "no dirty, no leaving, no complain, you do as i say, you eat what i eat, you wash when i tell you" etc etc, all more than agreeable, she seemed liked she was having doubts about me, understandable, she had known me less than 2 months, her good nature was the only thing keeping her from backing out and there was no fucking way i was crossing her, not after all she had done for me, i listened intently and mentally noted all of her conditions.

her flat was normal, clean, furnished, warm, safe, she lived in an ok neighborhood, still plenty of crime, but as near as bad as the shitholes i was rolling in, she opened the door and said "yes, and you no key, we work, we come home, that is all, if you need shop, i tell you", again, more than agreeable, it might sound prisonerish to you guys, but honestly, this was all pretty fantastic to me, i was amazed i was actually there, i felt warmth in me i'd not felt for ages, she showed me into her livingroom and there was a cot made out for me, she said "this is where you sleep. this is where you live", it had a thin mattress, a sheet, a duvet and a pillow, it was old, obviously pre-dating her moving in, probably found in the heating cupboard, but to me, it was as good as a fucking emperor sized bed with a foam mattress and egyptian cotton sheets, it was amazing, youd think it too if you were sleeping in piles of diry raggy clothes for over a year

i stood staring at her, trying to hold back my tears, she said "This is home for you now... only for a little while, welcome home", I was so happy i started crying, my smile was genuine, from ear to ear, I went to hug her, but stopped myself, i didnt want to threaten her, she smiled and extended her arms, and for the first time in a long time, i had a nice, long, comforting hug...

im crying right now just remembering that moment, it was amazing.

she went into her bedroom and threw a bag at me, inside i had 3 towels, 5 sets of socks and boxers, 3 sets of bed clothes and some shower gel, she said to me "this is start, you give me your bag, you wash really well, clean shower after, i sort out bag while you wash" and while i washed, she went through my things and picked out things I could use and threw the rest, when I came out of the shower in my new things she smiled and said "haha, it is good start, we sleep now, you do not come out of room" she waited until i was in bed, turned off the light and closed the door, and i cried myself tears of happiness until i fell asleep.

my forms came back, I was officially on the housing list and every day for a long time things went smoothly, wake, shower, eat work chores eat bed, over the weeks she worked on reintegrating me, took me for a haircut, helped me get things like clothes, taught me some of her cooking (I cook blitz's and Kurczak de volaille all the time), taught me how to pay bills, took me for a new bank account (I was getting paid in pay mandate slips that I could take to the companies bank before hand), and started making me feel like a person again, at home before bed we would sit, watch TV, talk about things, i learned alot about her life and friends back in poland, why she was in britain (pay in poland is crap and even with the british cost of living she was sending home more than she she could spare when she lived in poland each month), and every day I told her how greatful I was to her, slowly, I started getting privileges, like her trusting me to watch TV while she went to bed, being able to go to the toilet at night, being able to go shopping and come back, I really was beginning to feel like a person again, to the point that my humanity started returning, i started being sociable at work, keeping our secret of course, and for the first time in ages, i was happy, really happy.'

I looked and it was gone, she looked at me and smiled, and said "It cost too much to keep warm at night alone, we can try tonight sleep in my bed, I think you will be good", dumbfounded I nodded, took a shower, put my bed clothes on, and we got into bed, I couldnt sleep a wink, this was... woah to me. completely unbelievable, remember I'd never been in a bed with a girl before, I didnt know what the hell to do, but i knew one wrong move and I'd be out on my ass and straight back to square one, so I just lay there, then she started talking, word for word, she said this

"Hard to think months ago you were tramp... you are such gentleman now, you make good start, you work hard, haha, and now you are in my bed and i like it... you do good when you try"

i said "Well i owe it all to you... everything, if it wasn't for you I know where I'd be right now"

"sleeping in filth?"

"... yeah"

"You are real man, you try hard to be better, filth is for pigs"

"... Thanks... for everything... I really mean it"

"If you mean it, then let me do this, you do nothing ok?"

she took my arm and slowly rolled me round to face her, then came in close and snuggled upto me, then took my other arm and folded it over her, she said "stay like this..." i really couldnt have moved if i tired, i was happy and petrified at the same time, my heart was going a mile a minute, she caught on and said "shhh... we are keeping warm, go to sleep", she fell asleep first, and after lying there, mind completely blank for hours, i did too.

sharing her bed became standard from then on, and after a week of her training me to hold her while she slept, it became normal to me, normal, but something I looked forward to every night, of course I'd sometimes think of sex, but I knew where I was, she called the shots, i knew not to cross her, and i was adamant on never pissing her off, my money was saving up quite well in the bank and before I knew it I was almost normal, now we reach christmas and I thought of an excellent present to get her, I knew she wouldnt be expecting it, she mentioned it once, one thing she loved, I rushed out a week before christmas to get it and hid it in my locker at work, christmas eve we drank baileys, her parents and friends had sent her presents from poland and she was like a 10 year old, waiting for a minute past 12, using her "i get to open one now and the rest tomorrow" clause, we watched scrooged on TV, talked, drank responsibly (no one was drunk, 1 glass of Baileys an hour would hardly stun a horse) and as soon as it hit 00:01 came she jumped up and said "YES! now i get to open one!" and she began surveying her presents, before she picked any up i said "I have one for you, I hope you don't mind, I just wanted to show my appreciation for all you've done" she looked at me with rabid excitedness, I pulled it out from behind the TV and handed it to her, she looked at me with a face beaming with excitement, i said "open if you want to", she tore off the wrapping to reveal a brand new Yamaha saxophone, she said to me once it was her favorite thing to do in school and she got really good, but couldnt afford one so she had to quit at 18, she was only 22 now, i thought she would still love it, she was always sending every spare penny home so she would never get one herself, she stared at it, let out an excited utterance, like an "ah!!", she held it for a second, put it back into its case, and JUMPED at me.

she wrestled me down onto the sofa, pinned me down and wrapped her arms around me "THAAANK YOUU! how did you know!? it is amazing! I love it! Thank you soooo much!" I said "You have no idea how important you are to me, I'd still be in the gutter if it wasn't for you, this is nothing compared to how much I owe, Im just so glad you like it..."

she looked down at me and said "You really mean what you say don't you...", sincerely, I nodded,

"close your eyes for a second" I stared at her for a second, not knowing where she was going with it, she said it again "close your eyes", I did, and she kissed me so deeply and passionately, she never broke it for ages, running her fingers up my arms and resting them in my palms, she continued, obviously loving every second of it, I kept my eyes closed and enjoy every second, until she pulled away, I opened my eyes, no sooner did I open them she tugged me up and lead me into the bedroom.

done, thank you.

I was thrown onto the bed, she dived ontop of me, straddling my clothes off, kissing me, tearing her clothes off, me completely clueless and lost, not knowing what to do, but loving every second, hard as a fucking rock, I was mounted and ravaged, pinned down and ridden hard, I could swear the room was moving, completely intoxicated by everything, she moved my hands up to her breasts and squeeze her hips even harder, and rode faster and faster, until I felt myself cumming, she felt she que my body gave and bowed down on me, squeezed tight and rode hard, it was a win-win, we both came my first time... and we did it 4 more times, it was very early in the morning before we were both too exhausted to carry on, as she rolled off me and curled herself around I said "Incase you didnt hear the first 100 times, you're amazing..." she giggled and wrapped herself around me as i got between the sheets, as she put her arms around me I said "I'm glad you like the sax..." she said "I got more than my sax WHICH i love thank you, you were virgin before tonight, i remember you saying?" I looked over and nodded, "3 things actually, that was my first kiss on the sofa too..." she awww'd and squeezed me tightly, then she went "Oh!" and switched her nightstand light on "I got you a present too! would you like it?" I smiled and nodded, nothing could compare to what I just had, but all the same I was thrilled she got me something too, i wasn't expecting anything, she pulled a little box with a bow tie on it.

she took my hand and placed it in my palm, I pulled the bow and opened the box, there was a key inside and a little note, it simply read "stay here with me!", I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed tightly, of course I wanted to stay! she knew exactly what to get me, I was thrilled, after a little more making out we fell asleep, I woke up the next day to the sweet sound of sax coming from the living room, I assessed my nakedness and the clothes thrown around the room.

last night really happened.

I'm here to stay.

She likes me.

I like her.

This is the best Christmas ever.

I love my life.

I walked into the livingroom after putting my bed clothes back on, she was sitting in nothing but her panties with the Sax, all of her other presents open and handled, yet abandoned, it would seem she really liked my sax best, as I entered I said "Goodmorning" and she jumped up, loving the sight I smiled, who wouldn't, she ran towards me and screamed "CHRISTMAS!!!!" and fell into my arms, I couldn't have been happier, simply because she was so happy, she really was like a big kid, she lead me in and sat me down next to her, then pushed me over and pressed down on me, then said "NEW rules."

"oh... ok?"

"Now you are my boyfriend

You live here

You don't accept any house offers, EVER!", and as she said "EVER!", she thumped my chest softly, "I completely agree" I said, wrapping my arms around her, she giggled and waggled around ontop of me, "Now I have 4 things, it is a VERY good Christmas!" "Then we're 4 for 4... and I bet I loved my presents more" she pressed up to bring her face to mind and kissed me, then got up to get dressed, I remember sitting there, absolutely, positively, completely content at that moment, nothing in life could get any better than that point, I felt amazing, like superman on a crack binge, it was incomparable to anything I'd ever experienced, and the whole of that day, I had a complete sense of wonder, excitement and peace, we talked to her folks and she introduced me over the phone (with a few fabrications as to how we met and how long we had been dating) and I got to say merry christmas to her folks, who seemed to like me straight off the bat by her mothers tone and words, we ate pomidorowa with noodles for subsitution of a big christmas meal, attacked the baileys in the evening watching TV, and in the evening I was treated to a private sax recital, she played some phenomenally beautiful songs on her sax, and on the night we kissed, cuddled and went for round 2, it was the best day of my entire life anon, it really truly was.

New years eve was just as special, at the clock struck 00:00 she kissed me and held it for the full minute with her arms wrapped around my back and neck, as she broke, she said "Happy new years..." I said "Happy new years..." We gazed into each others eyes as the fireworks went off deeper in the city, the skies alight with the most romantic and brilliant setting available, after a while, she said "We start as we mean to go on yes?" I said "Absolutely" and we went to the bedroom again and didnt stop until 5am, it was like this until January 4th, we went back to work, and our love grew and grew over the months, we reached March 21st, her birthday, in which I both presented her with a custom mouthpiece for her Saxophone, and confessed my love, and she said something that has always stayed with me, she said "When we met we were alone, I think fate made us meet, Life has been so good since I met you, you are my everything now, I love you too"

My birthday was great too, she took me to Poland to meet her folks, they heard the real story of how we met, and they completely accepted it, and loved me for making her so happy, her mother and friend even hinted at marriage and that I shouldn't make her wait too long... Poland is a great country whatever anyone says, her town was great, the people were really friendly, everything was cheap compared to the UK, and man, do the Poles know how to lay it down and party... I had an amazing tim there.

Things went so well, we made so many plans, so so many plans, I bought her a ring and popped her the question August 12th, it was an unconditional yes, we planned to have the wedding in her home town in Poland, I had disowned my family after all, and I had no friends, having it in England where nobody would celebrate it with us was pointless, we saved up 4300 quid, the wedding we planned, along with the present I wanted to give to her family, the honeymoon in the Canary Islands needed just under 6000, but we were working hard to make it happen, and although we were living frugally to make it happen, we loved every second of each others company, the passion never left us for even a second, never had an arguement, she was a strong leader who loved and respected her subordinate, I was a loyal subordinate who loved and respected his leader, we worked well as a team, too well, we lived for each others sake, constantly, relentlessly expressing our love for each other, that christmas we spent it in Poland with her family, I got every single one of them a gift to show them appreciation for raising and nurturing the love of my life the way they had, I got her a little glass rose made with her and my name inscribed along the stem, she loved it, she really did.

... February 7th she collapsed at work out of the blue, she fell into a coma. her family came and stopped with me for a while, we visited her every day, there was always someone by her side, every second someone could be there, someone was, I pleaded with her to wake up every single day, even if it was just a whisper, I would say to her "It's christmas... come on babe wake up, you have presents" and a few times I swore I saw her smile.

I got a call in the middle of the night, she passed away May 2nd, she was flown back to her hometown, and I spent every penny I had on her send off, I wanted her to have the most beautiful ceremony anyone ever had.

I got fired. I applied for dole and income support, and I've never left this place for more than a few hours since.

her sax, her clothes, her things, they're all here...

I go to bed holding her picture every night.

If moving on means forgetting her, I hope I never ever fucking do.

she went in with a grade 5 aneurysm that bled into her brain, she never had any symptoms other than the occasional headache, the doctors said there was a chance she would recover.

she died of an irregular vaspospasm

I cried a lot and fell asleep.

I'm going to bed again after I shower.

Sorry, I don't have the means to take a pic, my phone is a nokia 1110, my laptop doesnt have a cam, and I've no reason to down a digicam, never have, never will, those 3quid throw aways you get from max spielman was always more than good enough for our uses, we never had much money, we just bought cheap and made it last. even more now.

Why would I give a shit if you people believe me or not? What difference would it make? I only posted mt story because someone asked.

Sorry I can't write like Oscar fucking Wilde

Sorry I feel pain and couldn't elaborate the end, it crippled me to type that much, if you cant sense that, the story was never intended for you to read.

for clarification, i used to say "wake up, its christmas" while she was in her coma because both of the christmas's we shared were special, I thought if anything could bring her back, it would be those.

Life isn't hollywood, if it was, she'd still be here.

There is no happy ever after, at least not in my case, and I do live on, theres been plenty of times i've though about face-stamping the concrete, but I see her face, she loved life, she never wasted a second, it would be an insult to throw away what was taken from her, maybe one day I'll get back on my feel, but for now, every single day hurts like hell, the world can kiss my ass until Im ready.