“My body belongs only to me and it’s my choice who I share it with.”

No Shame Movement is collecting personal stories specifically on defining purity culture, the ways it is internalized, and the process of leaving it behind. Share your own story here.

How do you define the term “purity culture”?

Purity culture is a movement that extols the virtues of sexual abstinence before marriage as moral purity.

It is a movement that reinforces patriarchal gender roles/stereotypes by teaching women that their worth as a person is tied up with their sexuality and sexual activity.

It also erases LGBTQIA+ experiences because the movement’s definition of sex is PIV (penis in vagina).

What did purity culture teach you about your self-worth?

Purity culture taught me that my self worth was dependent on how sexually active I was before marriage. The more sexually active or sexual I was, the less good a person and/or Christian I was.

It taught me to feel bad about what came naturally to me - strong sexuality - and think that something was wrong with me, that I was abnormal, for it.

It taught me to despise a part of who I was, until that part of me was all I thought about. Until that part overwhelmed the rest of me and became my sole identity. I was my sexuality, nothing more.

How did purity culture impact your relationship with your body?

Purity culture taught me that my body existed for public consumption, in that it existed for the purpose of attracting a husband and anyone could comment on it at any time.

It taught me I had to somehow balance the expectations and standards of attractiveness and modesty of everyone. This meant I was constantly anxious about how I looked. I rarely dressed the way I wanted and did not get the tattoos and piercings I’d always wanted until after I rejected purity culture.

It taught me to feel embarrassed and ignorant about how my body reacts to sexual stimuli.

It taught me that my ‘virginity’ is like a tangible thing I give and a man takes, that a woman’s role is to give and a man’s is to take.

What did purity culture teach you about relationships and marriage?

Purity culture taught me that my one goal in life should be to attract a husband. It taught me my body didn’t actually belong to myself, but to my future husband. For example, “Are you sure you want to get tattoos? What if your future husband doesn’t like tattoos?”

Purity culture taught me that sex was the make-or-break, be-all-and-end-all aspect of a relationship. If I had sex before marriage my relationship would not be good/Godly. If I had sex after marriage my relationship will be magically perfect/automatically Godly.

It taught me that sex created 'soul ties’ and I would never be able to have sex with my husband without thinking of previous sexual partners at the same time. Also, if I had any 'soul ties’ when I got married I was not giving 'all of myself’ to my husband, and he deserves better than that - because I belong to him.

When did you first begin to question what you’d been taught about sex?

I began to question what I’d been taught about sex when Ieft church and had sex with my first boyfriend. It was not the big deal they made it out to be. It did mean something and our sex was intimate, but it did not change who I was as a person. He did not take anything from me, I did not give anything him. Rather, we shared our bodies with each other.

After we broke up I had casual sexual encounters. I did not feel any 'soul tie’ to my ex-boyfriend and did not think of him while I was having sex with other guys. I had fun casual sexual experiences that did not create any 'soul ties’.

When I got a new boyfriend, the only impact those previous sexual experiences served was to make my sex life with my boyfriend better, since I knew what I wanted and how to give and receive pleasure.

Also, as soon as I left church I stopped feeling guilty for having sexual desires and questioned why I should feel guilty for a basic biological drive.

What changes have you noticed in your life as you’ve been unlearning?

I actually make better sexual decisions now than when I was caught in purity culture. I know my body belongs only to me and its my choice who I share it with. My body is not a thing or object to be 'given’ or 'taken’ by anyone.

Who I am, how I look and what I do is no longer influenced by the pressure to find a husband. As soon as I took the pressure off myself to be attractive to all men all the time, I found my identity and my voice. I am more assertive because I do not feel guilty for disagreeing with men. I dress and look how I want because my life goal is no longer 'attract a husband’. I have a partner and I don’t dress for him, either. My body does not belong to him.

I no longer suffer from the crippling shame that followed me throughout my adolescence and into my early twenties. I make informed choices about my body and my sexuality and I don’t feel bad about them. I know my worth is not dependent on any aspect of my sexuality, whether that be how I dress to who I have sex with and why. I know my sexuality does not determine how good a person I am. I am not only my vagina. I am a complex, multi-faceted person who is so much more than their body and what they do with it.

What advice would you give your younger self about sexuality?

You are not abnormal. What you are feeling is perfectly natural, perfectly normal. Having a high sex drive does not mean you are a worse person than someone who has a low sex drive. It is not something you need to leash or change about yourself. You are enough, you are exactly as you should be.

Embrace your sexuality, but don’t become it because you are more than your sexuality. Accept your sexuality as part of yourself, don’t make it the only thing you are.

Your sexual activity does not determine how good a person and/or Christian you are because you are more than your body. You are not an object that can be used and your virginity is not something that can be taken. You are a person and that body you’re in is yours only. It will never belong to anyone, not even your husband.

Since that body is yours, do what you want with it! Get those tattoos, dye your hair pink, pierce your nose! Who cares if not all guys find those things attractive? It has literally nothing to do with them and I’ll let you in on a secret - attraction has more to it than just physical appearance. If a guy likes who you are as a person it really, really won’t matter what you look like.

On guys, though - there is more to life than finding the guy you may spend the rest of it with. Know why? It’s because you are and will forever be your own person. Therefore the fulfillment you get from your life is dependent on what you do, not solely on who you spend it with. A relationship is only one part of the picture. And I’ll let you in on another secret - you don’t even need a partner to have a fulfilling life! Shocking, I know.

Sex is great. You love sex. It has only ever enhanced your relationships.

In summary, just reject literally everything you have been taught about purity, morality and sexuality. It’s all wrong.

What resource (book, poem, song, etc) has helped you in your unlearning?

“Damaged Goods” by Dianna E. Anderson



Age: 21

Social media: laetermichelle.tumblr.com