Two deployments later, I don’t pretend to be an expert. Though I have made significant progress with both Deaf culture and ASL, I am still a student. I will forever be a student. My aspirations to be faster and more fluent are milestones without doubt but, I’ve bigger plans in sight.

I will not allow myself to be satisfied with just bridging that communication gap. Think of Deaf culture as a house; one does not simply saunter through the front door and make themselves at home – one must be invited in. My hopes go beyond this; I wish to become a member of the household. Though I would not presume to ever understand what it means to be Deaf , I hope with all my being that I will understand-in-heart what it means to be a part of the Deaf community. If I settled for less how could I support the woman I love? If I cannot begin to see the world around her as she sees it, what kind of partner would I be?

ASL sign for support, painted by Chuck Baird.

Often, after an acquaintance learns of my fiancée, I am asked if it is difficult. Yes, it is difficult; love is not always easy. Most people know this from an early age…

Oh, wait. You mean, is it difficult to be with my Deaf fiancée?

No, it is not, because she is an amazing person, and I want to be with her. It isn’t difficult because I want to make myself available to her. I feel that way for several reasons; Michelle is intelligent, thoughtful, sexy and, when appropriate, she can even be a little sneaky. And, lets be honest, she puts up with me and my karate chops. The point is, difficulty is relative. It is not difficult for me because I am in love with her.

The idea that my relationship is more difficult to maintain solely because my fiancée is Deaf is archaic. It wasn’t until I met my Michelle that I realized I, too, was conditioned to this seemingly innocuous stigma of deafness. Only recently do I understand this to be the automatic response of the hearing populace. While I understand the idea comes from a place of ignorance, not criticism, the fact remains: it is tasteless.

In the above question, the connotations attached to the word “difficult” are decidedly negative and, while generally unintentional, a bit hard to stomach. Generally, the difference between something that is difficult and something that is easy comes down to how much you want it. To be perfectly blunt, if I put forth more effort loving my Deaf partner than you do loving your hearing partner, you’re asking the wrong question.

Let me elaborate; when I am asked if it’s difficult to be with a Deaf partner, my response is no, because I make that effort. Are you (the interested party) suggesting that relationships are easy, and require no effort when dating a hearing person? I should hope not, I’m sure your partner hopes not.

Therein lies the crux of my intention: to strive to keep assumptions based in a hearing world, ones that I know to be wrong, from alienating the woman I hold so dear to my heart.