(Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the television show Supernatural - this is all pure fan based joy. Thanks!)

Episode One – Pilot

Lawrence, Kansas – 1983

There is a house. It has a big shadow of a tree on it. #spookymusic

Pretty blonde lady carrying toddler (named Dean) with a bowl-cut into baby’s room. Dad comes in. Family shenanigans ensue. All is good. All leave baby Sam alone. Cue #spookymusic and mobile moving… WITH NO ONE TOUCHING. ALSO WINDOW IS CLOSED. SPOOKEE. CLOCK STOPS. SPOOKEE. LIGHTS FLICKERING. GTFO BABY.

Go to blonde mommy. Sam cries over monitor. Stupid Sam. Stupid John, not in bed to take care of baby. Blonde goes to baby’s room. Surprise! John is there!

Mary: Is baby good?

John: Shhhhh u wake him up stupid.

Mary: k whatevs.



She goes to go back to sleeps. Notices light flickering. HHHMMMMMMM. Investigations ensue.

Nothing wrong with this light! Suddenly, more flickering lights – from tv downstairs. HMMMM.

#intensespookymusic

JOHN IS ASLEEP AT TV. STUPID JOHN. THAT IS HOW YOU GET BACK PROBLEMS.

Mary rushes back upstairs to baby room. Cue scream and camera cuts away.

John, suddenly rudely awakened from his slumber, lurches out of his chair to defend his lady-love. He bursts into baby room – but JK! Mary is no there! Silly John. He goes to pet his baby. Suddenly, blood! He looks up and TADA! IS MARY! But jk, she looks terrible.

He falls onto his ass and frowns. : ( like that.

And then she goes on fire. Oh gurl. Your night-gown was messy cause of all that blood but it’s definitely ruined now.

John is still making that frowny face, but he has enough sense to wrap Sam up in his blankets like a burrito and runs out of the burning room.

He bumps into Dean and hands Sam over like a soft, blanket-y football.

Dean: DADWTF?!

John: STOP SASSING AND TAKE UR BRO OUTSIDE.

Dean goes to make a touch-down with burrito/football Sam as John bursts back into formerly nice baby room that is now totally on fire and tries to save Mary. Hilarity.

Back outside, Dean has made touch-down and is talking to blanket pile like his brother is somewhere in that mess. Then a giant bat which turns out to be his dad in a house-coat swoops them up and carries them to safety when the former baby-room EXPLODES.

Firefighters arrive and John stares broodingly into camera. Shit is about to go down.

Standford University – 2005

Slutty nurse tells Sam to hurry up. Grown-up Sam pouts. Slutty nurse tells him yes and then demands that he wear a costume – it’s Halloween, afterall. Demanding hoe. Sam drops a major fore-shadow about not liking Halloween. HMMM.

Flash to bar dressed up in Halloween swag. Slutty nurse taking a shot in celebration of school stuff for Sam. Pun about him being “scary smart” is made. HA. Classic. His school stuff is law. It is all very boring. Clues are dropped about Sam’s family life – his friends are very boring. Slutty nurse kisses Sam. Classic slutty nurse.

Back at Sam’s house later that night, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. JK there is someone breaking and entering. Sam goes sneaky Hulk (which is very difficult to do) on B&E-er and a fight ensues. Lots of ‘HYAH’ing. B&E-er puts Sam on his back and lols.

Sam: Dean?! U scared me!

Dean: lol wuss.



They bond in an awkward way until slutty nurse – now slutty Smurf shirt – enters. Apparently her name is Jessica, but we will refer to her as slutty Smurf.



Sam: This my bro.

Dean: hi I love smurfs u r 2 good for my bro. I have to steals him. Peace.

Sam: No, u say what happen right here.

Dean: Dad no come home.

Sam: He is stupid.

Dean: No, DAD NO COME HOME. HE HUNTING. *intense stare*

Sam: xcuse me slutty-smurf, business.



Dean somehow convinces his bro to tag along on a happy road-trip to find their dad who apparently hunts monsters now. We find out that Sam gave up a life of hunting because he’s a puss and that their dad became a hunter to find the thing that pinned their mom to the ceiling and lit her up like a fourth of July fire-cracker. Also that the boys were raised to hunt these things. Soooo they have that going for them.

Sam went to school for boring stuff because the family had a big fight (hunting monsters will do that to people) and is reluctant to find dad. Dean did not go with their dad cause he was hunting by himself (he’s twenty-six, NOT A CHILD ANYMORE GOD) and that’s how he lost him. Good job, Dean. We find out their dad was in Jericho, California looking into a case of men disappearing on a stretch of highway. Spookee.

Dean got a voice-mail that was all crackly and shit, but secretly there was a lady whispering in it and it was spooky. Sam finally agrees to go but he INSISTS that they get back by Monday because he has a normal, boring life to tend to.

Upstairs, slutty-smurf is bombarding him with questions.

Jess: So u just leavin?

Sam: Yes.

Jess: Is this bout ur dad?

Sam: Yes. Fam drama.

Jess: But hunting?

Sam: It’s cool.

Jess: But Monday?

Sam: It’s cool.

Jess: U sure ur ok?

Sam: OMG STFU SMURF. IT’S COOL.

Jess: k.

MEANWHILE IN JERICHO

Dude driving on highway to bad rock music while talking to a girl. He sees another girl in white and decides to pick her up. Classic. He makes eye contact with her breasts. Also classic. She flashes her knee in a rather 18th century risqué move and askes if he’ll come home with her. Dude tears up the road and hauls ass to get her home.

He drives her to a spooky looking house in the middle of nowhere.



Dude: U live here?

Harlot: I can never go homes. :c

Dude: Wat? Where do u ASKHULLY lives?

Harlot: *disappeared*

Dude: … hello?

So obvs she’s playing a trick on him and isn’t a supernatural being. OBVS. I mean, you deserve to die if you take someone to an old abandoned house and she says creepy one-liners that make no discernable sense. WHER E IS YOUR INSTINCT, BRO? He goes near the house and some birds scare him. Classic. With poop in his panties, he flees the scene in his car. As he’s driving away, he looks into the rear view mirror and UHOHTHELADYISTHERE.

So he dies.

Classic.

MEANWHILE the brothers are at a gas station. We find out Dean runs credit card scams for money. Lol. Sam finds Dean’s cassettes.

Sam: This music is old. It sux.

Dean: U suk. Now stfu.

They go to Jericho. Dad is not at morgue or hospital. So he’s alive. Maybe. They see the crime scene of the dude who was stupid and got killed for it. INVESTIGATION TIME.

Using fake IDs, the bros get all up in the police’s bidness and demand answers. They find out there is no tracks or signs of struggle and that the dude’s girlfriend, Amy, is putting up posters downtown. Dean thinks that the police are stupid and useless. Sam just rolls his eyes and goes along for the ride.

They find Amy in town and being sneaky, tell her they are the dude’s uncles. Lol. She talks to them about Troy (the dude has a name!) and says his death is spooky. She also tells them the rumor about a ghost hitchhiker haunting the highway where she was murdered. HMMMM. INVESTIGATION TIME.

The brothers use the power of the internet to discover that the girl, named Constance (lol) suicided off the bridge after her babies drowned in the tub. Yikes. Surprise! The bridge where the dude died was the same bridge that she jumped off of! INVESTIGATION WAS A SUCCESS.

Sam and Dean sneak down to the bridge during the night and continue their investigation. They have a bitch fight about the fact that Sam has to go back by Monday and be normal. Sam brings up the touchy subject of mommy dearest, which sends Dean into a case of the dramatics.

SUDDENLY: they see the ghost!



Dean: Uhoh Sam.

Ghost: lol bye.



Constance jumped off the bridge again! Silly Constance, you’re a ghost! You can’t die! But I guess jumping off the bridge enabled her to possess their car because she totally does and almost runs them over.

The boys jump off the bridge to avoid death by squish; Sam clings to the side, but Dean is silly and goes all out and hits the water. After Sam climbs back to safety, he searches for his brother. The car is now just a car again.



Sam: DEAN?! R U ALIVE?!

Dean: Yes! I am very wet, tho. Pls for towel.

They go to a motel to get Dean cleaned up. Surprise! Their dad bought a room there! They sneak in but surprise! Their dad is gone! But he’s left all sorts of spooky stuff on the walls about the ghost, and it looks like he left in a hurry because something was spookin him out. HMMMM.

They find out that the ghost is a Woman in White, and that they have to dig up her corpse and destroy it to get rid of her. Gross. They decide to find her husband and harass him for details on his beloved wife’s grave.

After Dean cleans up, he goes to buy food but the dang cops show up! Crap!

Dean sasses them good, so they arrest his ass. Sam sneaks off to go harass the ghost’s not-dead husband.

At the police station, the cops grill Dean on who he is. He’s committed some pretty serious crimes yo, such as impersonating a US Marshal and uhhh credit card fraud and uhhhhh… other stuff. They also think he’s the murderer of the highway, since they found all the stuff about the case taped to his motel wall. Womp womp. The cops let him know that they know who he is and also that they have his dad’s journal. WHOA NELLY. There is a secret code on a page with his name on it. DOUBLE WHOA NELLY.

MEANWHILE, Sam is grilling the husband for deets on their dad and the ghost. We find out that Constance was buried in the yard behind her old spooky house and that her husband totally cheated on her. She went bonkers and drowned their babies in the tub, and then killed herself and became a ghost that kills unfaithful men on the road. So, yup.



MEANWHILE, Dean is still being grilled by the cops. They have to leave for a 911 call so he totally sneaks out and calls his bro to tell him that their dad left Jericho but left the journal and some coordinates (the secret code) for them. Sam finds the Woman in White by accident, who basically ghost-rapes him to make him unfaithful so she can murder his ass. Sneaky ghost. She tries to tear out his heart, but SURPRISE! Dean shows up and saves his ass with a gun!

Sam then revs the car into the house, because fuck it at this point, and the ghost totally has flashbacks to when she killed her kids. The ghosts of her children appear at the top of the stairs, soaking wet, and then they hug her and in her guilt she kind of… implodes? So yeah. That’s one way to ghost-bust.

The boys free themselves from the wreckage of the house that Sam drove through and have some serious bro-bonding time. It’s pretty good. Dean drives Sam home. They discover that their dad went off on another hunt somewhere nearby and Dean is all ready to go but Sam is like ‘normal life, yo’.

Dean drops Sam off back at his apartment and they share an awkward farewell. Sam goes inside to say hi to slutty-smurf, but she’s in the shower so he eats some cookies and lays on the bed. SUDDENLY, BLOOD.

Sam opens his eyes and slutty-smurf is totally pinned to the ceiling AND THEN SHE BURSTS INTO FLAMES. WAAAAAT. Just like his mom! Totally not cool!

Dean bursts in and saves his ass from the burning apartment. The episode ends with the two brooding by the trunk of the car, just like their dad. Classic.