Good evening! You were hard at work all day and you've finally decided to catch up on your beloved Sixers. Well, news for you, THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

No, that's a lie, THEY'RE JUST IN A COMA.

Nope, also a lie, but I could keep this bit going because THEY'RE NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR TEXTS.

Earlier today -- before Hinkie lathered himself in vaseline and did the worm all over your floor -- the Sixers acquired JaVale McGee and the Top 18-protected first round pick of the Oklahoma City Thunder by way of the Denver Nuggets. It was thought by some that, like Danny Granger last year, JaVale (who goes by Pierre on Twitter, which will get confusing once Pierre Jackson comes back) would get bought out and not ever suit up for the Sixers. NOT THE CASE.

Neither the Sixers, nor McGee's agent, B.J. Armstrong of Wasserman Media Group, have broached the idea, sources said.

McGee staying on the team is great news for a number of reasons, which I will lay out here, in numbers below (/Perd'd).

JaVale McGee is hysterical. The Sixers are hysterical. Perfect fit. Next number. At some point, we will be treated to a JaVale-Nerlens frontcourt, and that will be fun. Fun is good.

JaVale is owed $12 million next season before his contract expires. He can be traded to a playoff team in need of rim protector for a couple second rounders.

Or, he can be used in any bigtime superstar acquisition the Sixers eventually happen upon with all their young players and draft picks, when the salaries need to match.



I look forward to all the weirdness that comes with Nerlens, Embiid, and JaVale hanging out, and I look forward to various exhausting looks on Brett Brown's face when JaVale is himself on the court.

*JAVALE FOR TEAM WHOP*