Fifth in an ongoing series of dispatches from the pew (Week 1–Mormon Church, Week 2–Jehovah’s Witnesses, Week 3–Christian Science, Week 4–Seventh Day Adventist, Week 5–Roman Catholicism).

Part 1 is all of my live tweets from Sunday service at Church-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Part 2 gives my impressions of a brief (not nearly brief enough!) conversation with the local head chaplain about his experience converting to the faith and church finances.

Part 1

Live tweets from the #pew in five min… — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Still waiting for them to start–in the lobby checking out the goods for sale. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

If it's not true for you, it's not true. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

My apprehension is giving way to boredom… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

"Last week we had a huge service, but this week people are skipping." #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Still waiting–watching videos in the lobby… — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Listening to some whacko testify about his experience giving up alcohol after he learned about this church for five minutes… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Now he remembers who he is–he doesn't have to try to remember anymore. Think I can talk to him and help him after the service? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Here we go. Reading the creed of the church. Five of us in the congregation. One is a center employee. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. Reading about integrity. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Preaching against skepticism, critical inquiry, and an open mind to new data. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Now preaching contradictory epistemologies–incoherent theology at best. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Theta, eighth letter of Greek alphabet… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Literally just reading out loud about psychology from this book and adding a modicum of commentary. He says it is purely biological. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

I can't believe this drivel appeals to anyone… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

First time I've been tempted to put a stop to this by acting out in church. I fear for the minds of the other congregants… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Can a stream look at its water? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Only this church has all the answers to our most fundamental questions… And has "knowledge of the other fellow". #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Sounds like it will be repetitive Simon says. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Shit is getting real. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Spent last few minutes finding the floor, chair, four walls, bobbing and nodding heads, and saying OK over and over… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Are you there? Where are you? Are you sure? OK. Where are you? Where's that? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

A being has a location because they consider that they do. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

NOTE: I should clarify that we were saying “Goodbye” to one another over and over as some kind of exercise (pseudoscientific mindfulness, probably).

Concluding with prayer for total freedom… I will try to talk to the speaker–at the beginning he said he was formally atheist… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

All done. Chaplain talked my ear off. Will report back later. Thanks for joining me! #pew pic.twitter.com/Rb621fa8Bn — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) May 18, 2014

Part 2

After this bizarre and rather brief service I spoke to the local head chaplain (who boasted of 700 active members in the area–a small but astonishing number in context if true). During the service he had mentioned that he was once atheist and I wanted to find out what attracted him to the Church-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.

“It makes sense and nothing else does…” he responded. And then proceeded to talk for the next 20 or 30 minutes about himself, his faith, and anything and everything not related to my question (I pressed repeatedly for specific details, but he evaded me time and again). I’m not sure if this was intentional or simply his habit. He was ludicrously loquacious, after all.

Indeed, when I asked him about his belief in God he responded that whereas he was once atheist he now believes in some divine power. And then went on to explain, at great length and in great detail, the 8 dynamics that govern the beliefs and spiritual priorities of the Church-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Finally I asked him about finances. “Does your church require mandatory donations?”

“No, of course not. Sure, some churches do, but ours does not. Everything is voluntary. We do have fundraisers and you can pay graded fees for different membership levels, but again this is all purely voluntary.” Simple enough. Or is it? He went on to describe how he has given much of his own money to the church but he’s comfortable with it because he believes in the good that it does (although he did not provide specific examples of what kind of good that might be).

All in all it was a unique and rather unusual experience. My initial apprehension quickly gave way to boredom. It is tragic that anyone is taken by the drivel that was on display for my visit.

Until next time, dear reader. Stay rational!