20 December, 2016. 14:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Receiving his degree in interior design just last week, Michael Rawlins never thought he’d be in the situation he’s in now.

Speaking to The Advocate earlier this morning, the 23-year-old explained that the thought of having to bayonet a Russian or Chinese millennial is ‘seriously stressing him out’.

“The planet is ending and civilisation is burning. But all-out-war with a superpower would burst the housing bubble, so there’s that,” he said.

“It’s not that I’m looking forward to going to war, I’m just wondering who it’s going to be with. I mean, it’s inevitable now, right? I’m kind of worried that I’m going to die in some Guangzhou swamp or in some freezing shit hole near Chechnya. But it’s better than being frozen out of the real estate market.”

When asked which arm of the defence force he’d rather serve with, the South Betootanese designer said basically anything except the navy.

“The food is shithouse and you might sink, which would be REALLY scat. Drowning is etch, brus. The air force wouldn’t be that bad, getting blown up by a sidewinder at 33 000ft would be pretty painless. But getting shot or blown up as a foot soldier is probably the most appealing for me.”

“I’ve shot a lot of roos, pigs, donkeys, camels, brumbies and other what-have-yous. I reckon it’d be half fun until I actually had to shoot someone, which is fucked.”

“Oh well. It is what it is and they you die. That’s life.”