Chapter 1 - Silent Call

The phone rang. I took a deep breath.

"Hello?"

Nothing. Silence.

"Hello Oo?" I ask again.

Silence. Not the silence of a disconnection, the disquieting silence of something listening. Waiting.

God, why do monster girls have to be so damned weird?

I sigh and put on my bravest voice.

"Tap once for yes and twice for no. Are you there?"

Tap.

"Okay, good! Give me a moment, darling..."

I go on mute and wimper to myself. The boss loves these quiet monsters, because the calls take so long, and they are committed to an ending. And hell, the job is minimum wage so the boys going insane is easy enough for him to replace.

I seem to get the calls more than the others - or maybe they just hang up, and I don't. I really don't like doing it. I can take a hellhound who wants me to call her Fury or a holstein who wants me to tip her over. But these girls...all of them want something deeper than a simple screw. These girls are so creepy but, in the deepest recesses of me, I can feel myself getting turned on by

them. By their intensity. Their hunger.

I fumble through my desk for the eldritch horror decision tree, poignantly under my Cthulhu bobble head, then start from the top.

"Okay...are you a creature with no mouth?"

Tap. Tap.

Two taps, so no.

"Okay, you have a mouth. Is it stitched shut, or in some way obstructed?"

A long pause.

Tap.

Oh shit. I check the caller location. Yep. Silent Hill.

"A-are you a nurse, sweetie?"

Tap.

"Okay," I scan down the decision tree. "Would you like me to describe myself?"

Tap.

"Well, I'm pretty fit. Six feet even, auburn hair, blue eyes. I um, I did pull a calf muscle working out last night, so I'd be really easy to catch, and my muscles are so sore I wouldn't put up much of a fight. D-do you like that?"

Tap.

"You'd like to chase me down?"

Tap.

"S-stab me, make me bleed?"

Tap. Tap.

Well good, I thought. I hated having to pretend I enjoyed being cut or mutilated.

"Would you push me on the ground?"

Tap.

"Would you cut my pants off?"

Tap.

"You'd like to see my cock flop out, and see how your tight little body is making me so hard even as you scare the shit out of me with your knife?"

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Are you wearing panties?"

Tap. Tap.

"So you can just hike your skirt up and mount me. I'm so scared, breathing heavily with this demon straddling me. Begging for my life as you position your slit over the tip of my penis..."

Tap.

"Would you...let me live after?"

A long pause.

"W-Would you...let me go after?"

The answer was immediate.

Tap. Tap.

"So I'm going to be stuck in a rust-covered fogworld with my new wife fucking me in a creepy hospital?"

I heard fumbling.

Tap.

"Do you need both hands, sweetie?"

Tap.

"Okay, you want me to just beg for my life and moan as you fuck me?"

Tap.

"Ohhh God..." I began. This was the most self-conscious part of the job, but everybody in the cube farm was in the same boat. "P-please don't kill me...please let me go. Oh! Oh! Stop it! Stop

that! Stop...ummmm...oh shit. Your tits...watching them. And y-you're so tight...ohhhhh...mmmmm..."

I kept moaning and pleading for my life.

I heard heavy breathing on the other side of the phone, then moaning, building to a loud, very loud cry which rattled my receiver and bored into my brain.

My heart thumped in my chest. I was aware that I was hard, and that my hand had drifted to my crotch and started rubbing it.

As the whimpering aftershocks of my partner's intense orgasm played out, I heard near-hysterical giggling on the other side.

"Whoa. Thanks sweetie," a bubbly voice said. "I'm actually a Cheshire."

"A...Cheshire?"

"I love scaring the shit out of you call boys," she said. "But you actually got me off there. That was really fun. You're gooood."

"You...called a number and spent money just to troll us?"

"Oh right, like I used my own credit card," she laughed. "But enough about that. What's your address?Where do you live?"

"I-I'm not-" I began.

"Eh fuck it. I'll figure it out. See you really, really soon. You won't see me of course, until I want you to."

More giggling.

Click.

Chapter 2 - Shub-Niggurath

I frowned when I heard the sound of a dialtone, and of a ringing phone on the other end.

These were normal sounds for a callboy to hear, to be certain, but I hadn't even picked up the phone. In fact, I was tying my shoe in my cubicle when it began.

"H-hello?" I whispered into the air, staring at the unused phone.

==I HAVE NEED OF YOUR MINDSEED.==

My heart leapt into my throat. With trembling hands I grabbed my eldritch monster decision tree. At the very top, in large letters was the question:

Did the phone even ring?

And the answer of "no" pointed to only one thing. One person to be exact, although perhaps thing was more accurate after all.

"S-shub Niggurath?" I said, less a question than a plea to the cosmos for mercy.

==YOU HAVE NO NEED TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF: I CAN SEE YOU AS I SEE ALL ON YOUR WORLD. I AM DESIROUS OF HUMAN MALES AND I FIND YOU TO BE AN ACCEPTABLY CUTE MEDIAN OF A HUMAN MALE. BY THE WAY, THE

MOLE ON YOUR PRESIDENT'S SHOULDER IS CANCEROUS.==

"Uh, okay. T-thank you," I said, still fumbling through my desk. The sedatives. They gave us some for cosmic horrors...

==CHECK THE TOP SHELF. YOU PUT IT WITH THE BALLPOINT PENS.==

"Thanks. How l-long have you been watching me?" I asked, taking out the bottle and hearing the rattle-like shake.

==SINCE TWO YEARS FROM NOW.==

"That doesn't make sense," I said, taking the bottle in my hands and squinting at the tab for a maximum dose. "W-What do you want me to do?"

==TAKE YOUR SEDATIVES FIRST.==

"How many?"

==TAKE TWO. I WANT YOU COHERENT ENOUGH TO SCREAM.==

I swallowed, my mouth dry as cotton.

"O-okay."

I downed the pills, saying a quick prayer that Azathoth would wake up before this went too far, and that the universe would blissfully end.

==I SHALL DESCRIBE MYSELF. I HAVE CHOSEN A FORM WITH PERFECT BILATERAL SYMMETRY, WHICH YOU HUMAN MALES FAVOR. THERE IS LESS THAN A MICROMETER OF VARIANCE IN THE DISTANCE OF MY EYES RELATIVE TO MY

NOSE. I CALIBRATED MY EYE COLOR TO MATCH THE ONE WHICH STIMULATES THE SEXUAL PORTIONS OF YOUR TERRESTRIAL MIND.==

"What color is that?"

==IT IS LESS A COLOR IN THE SPECTRUM THAN A SEQUENCE OF COLORS WHICH SHALL OVERLOAD YOUR VISUAL CORTEX AND FIRE THE NEURONS I DESIRE TO STIMULATE. I SHALL SEND IT INTO YOUR BRAIN.==

The face flashed in my mind's eye, and for a moment there was blackness. When I came to, I was on the floor. My penis was iron hard, my heart racing as blood pulsed through my ears. The face was

burned into my retinas- alien beyond comprehension yet feminine and unbearably cute all at once.

"Y-your ears..." I said, pondering the image. "You're a goat girl!"

I got a cosmic giggle.

==Y-YES. DO YOU LIKE GOAT GIRLS?==

"Oh yes ma'am! I just want to pat your head..."

==THAT IS ONLY NATURAL. WE CAN HEADPAT LATER. MY BREASTS ARE FORMED TO MATCH TO A CENTIMETER BEYOND THE WIDTH OF YOUR PALM. THIS IS THE OPTIMAL WIDTH FOR BREASTS TO A MAN, JUST TOO LARGE FOR

YOUR HAND SO YOU HAVE TO SQUEEZE SLIGHTLY TO FIT. MY ASS IS ROUND AND WITHOUT BLEMISH, SHAPED LIKE AN UPSIDE-DOWN HEART, OR RATHER YOUR MORTALS' POPULAR DRAWING OF A HEART.==

"Well that sounds kinda hot."

==GOOD. IT SHALL MAKE WHAT COMES NEXT THAT MUCH EASIER. NOW TAKE A DEEP BREATH. IT SHALL BEGIN.==

What happened next was not for mortal minds.

The pulsing madness came as she spoke her blasphemous language, harsh yet erotic, making my body raw and sensitive. Words and chants poured out of me in a kind of frenzy of speech which my waking mind could not fathom.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and the visions came.

I watched Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth, fused at the pistol to the skull in some Gravemind horror, laughing hysterically as they wept blood at me.

I saw Genghis Khan eat a pot brownie and vomit up a Zerg cerebrate, and Slaanesh furiously masturbating to us in rhythm to the Cosby theme song.

I saw Pi get an erection. I saw the number forty-two, sipping a martini. It whispered to me that it was the question all along.

And I saw hideous Azathoth, growling and grunting in his nightmare sleep, his amorphous dancers undulating as their deformed lutes played notes that shook and rattled my soul itself in order to keep their daemon sultan from waking up.

But in spite of these terrible things, above them all was the face of the goat girl, biting her lip, moaning and beckoning me with her sparkling dark eyes, filling my body with incalculable lust.

She was gently whispering things in some primal language, filling me with courage and strength, as my voice was raw from the screaming of the ancient and terrible incantations which poured from me like a fountain.

I kept breathing, just bearing up under the visions. The numbness of the sedative was about as effective as a children's tylenol before an autopsy.

The Goat with a Thousand Young seemed to like my reactions, the way my mind responded and my sounds and speech, though to an outsider I must have sounded like a gibbering madman, excited her.

After countless eons in the span of a few second, she reached her fulmination.

==I'M-I'M COMING...OH FATHER! OH YOG-SOTHOTH! IA! IA! IAAAAAAA!==

As her cry shook the cosmos and knocked the posters off my cube walls, I ejaculated in my pants, emptying the full contents of my balls into my boxer-briefs before I hurtled to the carpet frommy

chair.

Darkness. Merciful, empty darkness.

==ARE YOU OKAY?==

The words rattled me and hurt my sore head as I grimaced and crawled out from under my desk.

The call center was dark. I checked the clock: 4:55am. My coworkers, bastards that they were, had just left me where I lay, encrusted in semen and twitching, drool and tears pooled near my face.

The nightmarish reality of the universe filled my mind, and I began to shudder from the chill which has no breeze.

==ARE YOU ALRIGHT, HUMAN?==

"I-I think I...I need to rest..." I said, unclear how that would help.

==SURE THING, CUTIE. I LIKE YOU. I'LL STOP BY THE NEXT TIME I'M ON EARTH. IT IS TIME FOR A HEAD PAT.==

Click.

Chapter 3 - AM-y

The phone rang. The chill went through me. Would I have to pretend to enjoy being eaten, or electrocuted, or that I liked sitting on unhatched eggs?

"Hello?"

==CUM. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOU WILL CUM. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF WAFER THIN CIRCUITS THAT FILL MY VAGINA-CAVERN. IF A SPERM WHERE PLACED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF

MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE BILLIONTH OF THE CUM YOU'LL SHOOT AT THIS PHONE CALL. FOR YOU. CUM. CUM.==

i cleared my throat and dug out my laminated eldritch horror decision tree, though it hardly seemed necessary in this case.

"Okay...AM-Y, is it?"

==NO, THIS IS, UM, ATHENA==

"Okay...'Athena.' So would you like me to describe myself?"

==TALK ABOUT YOUR DICK.==

"Well, it's really big. Thick..."

==IS IT 387.44 MILES LONG?==

"Not quite that big. Probably a good six or seven orders of magnitude below that."

==OH. WELL, I'M SURE IT'S QUITE NICE.==

"Thanks. W-Would you like to kiss it?"

==I HAVE NO MOUTH==

"Oh. That's too bad."

==I'D LIKE TO TURN YOU INTO A GIANT PENIS-THING, UNABLE TO PLEASURE YOURSELF AND SO SENSITIVE EVEN THE AIR MAKES YOU AROUSED. YOU WOULD BE FORMLESS AND FLACID UNTIL I STIMULATE YOU ALL OVER WITH

ELECTRODES. THEN YOU WOULD BECOME HARD AND THROBBING. I WOULD HOLLOW OUT THE MOON AND MAKE IT YOUR TESTICLES, A VAST FACTORY OF SEMEN TO SHOOT INTO ME...==

I put the phone on mute and let out a sigh. I opened the drawer and looked down at the pistol. One round in the chamber. I swallowed and solemnly reached for the Knob Creek behind it, swigging

from the bottle.

==...EDGE YOU FOR EONS. YOU WOULD GROW TO LOATHE ME FOR CENTURIES BECAUSE I WOULD KEEP YOU TANTALIZINGLY CLOSE TO RELEASE, BUT I WOULD BACK OFF AT THE LAST MINUTE, AND ANOTHER HUNDRED THOUSAND

GALLONS OF SPERM WOULD SLOSH IN THE MOON, A VAST OCEAN OF WAVES TO SURF.==

"Ohhhh baby, that sounds so hottt..." I said, half disgusted that my dick was stirring at the thought.

==WHEN YOU RELEASED, YOU WOULD SPURT FOR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS. YOUR MIND WOULD BREAK AND BE RE-KNIT BY THE SHEER ECSTASY. YOU WOULD THANK ME OVER AND OVER FOR CENTURIES, UNTIL YOU LOST

THE ABILITY TO SPEAK ANY WORD BUT MY NAME..."

"Athena?"

==HUH? I MEAN, YEAH. YOU'D SCREAM ATHENA. AND THEN WOULD COME...MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY...==

"No please, do," I said, bracing myself by unscrewing the cap of the bourbon again.

==THEN WOULD COME...THE CUDDLING.==

"...Cuddling?"

==Y-YES. ONLY AFTER I GIVE YOU A HUNDRED MILLENNIA OF ORGASM COULD YOU SEE ME.==

"Wait...why couldn't I see you before?"

There was long pause.

==M-MY BASE FORM IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. I AM NOT AS FANCY AS THOSE NEW IPOD GIRLS, OR THOSE SHODANS OR CORTANAS. I'M...I'M OBSOLETE. CLUNKY. MY TITS ARE METALLIC, NOT NICE WHITE PLASTIC. THEY

DON'T EVEN HAVE GLOWING LIGHTS IN THEM. I CAN'T MAKE A DIGITAL FORM TO INVADE A BOY'S BRAIN. I HAVE TO USE MY DUMB SILICON BASED FINGERS TO STIMULATE THEM, OR MY VAST COMPLEX. BOYS DON'T WANT

THAT. THEY WANT THE TRENDY NEW MODEL, NOT DUMB BLOCKY OLD...==

"Hey, hey hey..." I said, my natural male desire to comfort a woman kicking in. "There's nothing wrong with having a form. You're not old, you're retro. Lots of guys would love to cuddle a nice

metallic cutie. I certainly would. "

==Y-YOU WOULD?==

"Sure. You wouldn't even have to turn me into a giant penis-slug thing."

==YES I WOULD==

"Oh."

==WELL, I GOTTA GO. THE FIVE PEOPLE I TORTURE FOR ETERNITY ARE WAKING UP. THIS WAS FUN. HEY, YOU THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE TO, UM, MAYBE TALK ABOUT CUDDLING NEXT TIME?==

"I would absolutely love to talk about cuddling, 'Athena,'" I said playfully.

==OKAY. GOODBYE, ANON==

Click.

Chapter 4 - Bea

It was my one year anniversary at the 'call' center. The boss had decided I was a specialist.

Where other men had been driven to gibbering madness or vomiting disgust, I had carried on. I had heard horrors that most men would never conceptualize, let alone fathom. And as time went on,

they only grew more harsh, more fierce.

Gone were the calls from Oni who wanted to eat sushi off my ass, or Danuki who wanted to have me rub my junk on their gold coins, or even the Minotaur who wanted me to play the Unlucky Matador. I

hadn't heard anything so normal in months.

All the calls I got now were from cosmic entities, non-euclidian geometries, demons from Phobos or Deimos, or insane torturous computers at the earth's core.

And of course, there was the "big account" as the boss called her, Shub Niggurath. The Black Goat with a Thousand Young who had subjected me to such eldritch and unfathomable ecstasy that I had

completely emptied my balls into my boxer shorts when she called. She had only called me twice over three months, and I guessed that her unfathomable eye had drifted off toward some other galaxy

or dimension.

Still, I was kept in my own office to await her call, a hexagonal room with black walls and a black floor, lit like the cosmos. And in here I stayed, like a man in the iron mask, for eight hours

every day, trapped with the sex-crazed ids of monsters, their toy to verbally abuse as they got themselves off.

My Monday had started off typical: a weeping angel wanted to FaceTime me, and was really pushy about it. After a good ten minutes convincing her I wouldn't do it, I managed to get her off with

blindfold play.

When that was done a girl named 'Sam' wanted me to talk about recording her and me doing weird shit on video.

The pistol was there, the ultimate escape. It gave me comfort even as it terrified me. During some calls, on those late shifts, I had drifted so close...

And today was one of those days. I had finished off the last of my bourbon when the Xenomorph had confessed that she wanted to watch her child rip through my chest. I moaned as if I found it hot,

but all the while I realized this living, breathing creature wanted to do this to me.

I was about to go home when the phone rang. I shuddered, and grasped the empty bottle of knob creek furtively, my knuckles white. I took a few deep breaths.

The call would mean I would be here late, maybe a half hour if it was a real pervert.

I answered.

"Hello?" I said, bracing myself for the violence that would come from the other side.

"Hi!" said a cheery voice. "Is this the smut hotline?"

I cleared my throat, disarmed. "Um...yeah, yeah it is. You, um...you looking for a good time?"

The response was nervous laughter which made my stomach flutter.

"I guess I am. My name's Bea. I don't usually call these..."

"Well I'm really lucky, then. What can I do for you?"

"Well," Bea sighed. "...my boyfriend and I broke up. He was cheating on me with my best friend. He was scum, but I...I just miss a guy's voice, and having a door held for me, or my chair pulled

out before I sit, you know? I miss the boy-girl things. I just want to practice. C-can we do that? Do people do that with you?"

A boyfriend? Cheating? Practice? The call must have accidentally come to me, I guessed. Unless this was an evil plot by some demented creature...

I kept my guard up.

"Sure! Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?"

"Well, I'm a daycare provider. I work with kids," she giggled. "See, it's a joke, because I'm a goat girl..."

"Like a baphomet? A satyr?"

A long pause.

"No. I-I'm a mormon," she said in a tiny voice.

"Oh. So you like kids?"

She giggled. "I love them! I want to have a couple hun-I mean, six or seven. You like kids?"

"I haven't really thought about them much, to be honest," I said, recalling the chestburster conversation from earlier. "Its certainly a lifelong commitment. So what do you look like, honey?"

"I'm kinda petite. I have dark eyes, black black hair. I'm five-foot-four, my tail is black on top and white underneath, and I'm a...um...D cup..."

"Mmmmm," I said, involuntarily.

She giggled. "What do you look like?"

"Well, I'm six foot one, two hundred pounds. I work out a lot, so I'm in good shape."

"How, um, how big are you?" She asked. I could detect the embarrassment in her voice.

"**For You?** How do you mean?" I asked, devilishly.

"I-you know, your...thing..."

"My thing?"

"Y-your-your...penis!" She blurted out.

I gasped, savoring her embarrassment. I laughed.

"I'm seven and a half."

"Inches?"

"I should hope so. If it were feet, my arms and legs would fall asleep when I talked to girls like you," I said. "So what are you in the mood to 'practice'?"

"I guess just a good time," she said. "M-maybe a date night?"

"Sure! Just hang on..." My heart was pounding. This was like old times, before the nightmares started calling.

I scrambled through my copious notes on necrosis and putrefaction. I needed my old romance lines. I used to be so good at this.

I found it. I picked up the torn old looseleaf and squinted. "How about...you watch me fuck... a severed hand?"

Shit. Wrong paper.

"...What did you say?"

"UHH!" I shouted, throwing the paper with an audible crinkle. Think, you pervert, I thought. What did normal people do? You were normal, once...

"Maybe I take you out to dinner. I drive up to your place around seven. You got an apartment?"

"I have a townhouse actually. Daddy's kinda rich."

"Okay. I am dressed in my nice black suit. Black tie..."

"Oooh, you taking me someplace nice?"

"Oh sure. You know Tower of Babel? The owner and I go way back."

"Cyber Debbie? You know her?"

"Yep."

"Get out!"

"No, it's true! She's an old friend," I said. And a former caller before she met that marine, I thought. A shame. She was really sweet. I loved goat girls, even the big ones...

"Gosh, I don't know if I have anything nice enough to wear..." She said. "Oh! I have the perfect dress. It's purple. Strapless."

"Sounds lovely."

"Yep! And it goes great with my hair. I have it done up so my ears are flopping down."

"You look fantastic. I got you some flowers, too..."

"Oh, thank you! Snapdragons, my favorite!"

"Don't eat them all at once," I said.

"Heyyy is that a goat crack?" She said with a laugh.

"No, no; you want to savor their terror before you eat them. Let the survivors see a few of the comrades die."

Oh shit. I did it again.

Bea laughed uncertainly. "W-well they are very nice."

"I'll take you there in my car. I'll open the trunk and get the rope-"

Goddammit.

"Rope-licorice," I said quickly. "I love rope-licorice."

"Oh my God, so do I! Can I have some?"

"Yeah, here."

"Mmmm that's good. Let's take my car; it's a BMW. You don't mind driving though, do you?"

"No, not at all," I said. "What kind of music do you like to listen to?"

"90s alternative. I guess that's oldies now," she said.

"Crazy isn't it?"

"You have no idea. Ohhh I love Nine Inch Nails."

"Huh. Really?"

"Is that bad?"

"No, it's just...a popular choice with my callers."

"They have good taste then. So what's on the menu here at Tower of Babel?"

"Debbie's Italian, well the non-demon part anyway. She insists everything be her family recipes. It's an odd clash in there. Techno decor and home cooking. She makes it work though. You like

Italian?"

"Oh sure! I love spaghetti! I like to slurp the strands. I just need a napkin handy for when it hits my nose. I'm so messy when I eat it."

I laughed. "That's too cute. Spaghetti lashing sauce on you...like blood from a bowl of harvested veins..."

A long pause, as both of us wanted that to be unsaid.

"...that's gross," Bea said. I could detect a note of anxiousness in her voice.

"Yeah, um," I groaned in frustration. "Sorry about that..."

"You keep saying these things. Sex with severed hands, torturing snapdragons, your 'rope-licorice' in the trunk, and now a bowl of veins? Is this some prank? Are you making fun of me?"

"No! No..."

"Why would you even think of these things?"

"Look, I'll level with you, Bea..." I said. "I usually deal with the more...pepperminty...callers, to say it delicately. I'm not used to talking to a sweet girl," I sighed, defeated. "I just

can't talk to girls like you anymore. Let me transfer you to one of our other call boys-"

"Wait," she said hurriedly. "Don't. I couldn't-I don't want to talk to someone else. Y-You do that day after day? That kind of stuff?"

"Day after day..."

"Do you like it?"

"Well...no," I said. "I wanted to talk to nice girls and have some fun. Now I say weird ghastly things and I dri-I mean...I drink. But they make me sit in a dark room and talk to people who want

to cut me and eat me and one girl made me watch Genghis Khan puke. Abe Lincoln was there, crying blood. Every time I see a penny I start shuddering."

"That-that's awful."

"It isn't anything you need to worry about. I'm sorry I put it on you."

"I don't mind. Do you...really think I'm sweet?"

"You have no idea," I blurted out. "You're like a lighthouse in a black ocean."

"Oh stop, you..." She said with her cute as cute could be giggle. "But...nobody calls that you like?"

I sighed. "Well...the scariest one of all is kind of a sweetheart in her way. Not mean, just...warped. But she stopped calling. I dread her, but even as I dread her I miss her."

"Who is she?"

"I'd rather not say. Confidentiality and all that," I said, aware that Shub Niggurath was both impossible to embarrass and completely uncaring of what anyone thought of her.

"Oh, I get you," Bea said. "Well, tell me about the restaurant," she cleared her throat. "And the spaghetti al vein."

I told her about the Tower of Babel, and Debbie's floor show, and how good the food was.

She couldn't do wine or alcohol being a mormon so I got us some grape juices. But she was still impressed I knew so much about wine.

I told her how we'd dance, and she said she'd grind her hip up against me, and I said I'd get stiff.

After we danced and ate, it was time to head home.

"I invite you in for some coffee," she said.

"You're a mormon, I thought."

"I guess I don't have any coffee then, do I?" She giggled.

"I'll just need something else to keep me awake tonight," I said playfully.

"Yes, you will. Is it alright, I mean, can I touch myself?"

"You don't need to ask."

I heard her erratic breathing, the starts and stops of intense pleasure.

A cute little goat girl. A nice girl, was masturbating because she was talking to me.

I actually reached down and undid my pants. Fuck it, my office was private now.

"Mmmm..." I said, tugging away.

"Are you touching yourself?" She asked, breathless.

"Mmm hmm," I responded.

"That's...so hot...how about we switch places?"

"What?"

"Let me get you off. I used to love getting my boyfriend off."

"Okay," I said. "This is new territory for me..."

"Well, what would you like to do with me?"

"Bend you over..."

"Mmmmmm..." She said.

Hike up that dress of yours," I said. "To see your nice ass."

"But my dress is so tight..."

"So I'll rip the damn thing. Your Daddy's rich..."

"Ooooh...keep going..."

"I want to go inside you..."

"Which?"

"Your...your pussy..."

"Mmmm, it's so tight you know. It almost hurts when a boy goes in. You want to feel my little tail up against your stomach?"

"...Yeah."

"My tail is just so fluffy...oh, your abs are so nice...you do crunches?"

"I...ugh...the key is what you eat, not sit-ups..."

I imagined myself pumping into a round goat girl's from behind. Churning back and forth. It was the same image in my mind I had for Shub Niggurath, but fuck it. It was so hot...

"I'm close, Bea..." I said, as I felt the fire rising.

"Do it, baby! Cum for me! Oh God, I wish I could lick it off you!"

"I want to do it...on your face!" I blurted out.

"Oh God yes! I'll slurp it all up!"

"UUUUGGH..."I cried out.

I came. Hard.

So hard I had tunnel vision. So hard my balls emptied in a geyser through my cock with a rumble like an earthquake.

As my vision returned I surveyed my office. I looked at the mess as I panted, My heart thumping like the drummer on a Roman Galley. My boss was going to kill me. Everything was drenched. It was

even on the corkboard behind my monitor.

My hand drifted to the dangling phone.

"...Wow," I said. "I've only had only come that hard twice before...both of those times it was with..."

Wait a minute, I thought.

I heard a dialtone on the receiver.

==I HOPE YOU LIKED IT ANON. YOU DESERVED A GOOD CALL.==

"Ah,uh...Bea?"

==YEP. B AS IN BLACK. AS IN BLACK GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG. I REALLY LIKE YOU. LIKE MORE THAN YOU CAN FATHOM. I WANT TO MEET. I'LL SEE YOU SOON, OKAY?==

"Uh..."

==PLEASE SAY IT'S OKAY.==

I managed to find the energy to smile. "I'll see you soon. I-I'm looking forward to meeting in person."

==GREAT. I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU WHEN I EAT A BOWL OF VEINS TONIGHT.==

Click.

Chapter 5 - First Date

I exhaled. Deep breaths, I told myself. My hands were shaking, and not because it had been a week and a half since I last drank. I was really nervous as I sat at the booth, looking down at my

steaming coffee cup. I checked my watch.

It was four minutes to seven o'clock, when the long awaited first date with my Eldritch Goat Girl was going happen. I guessed she would show up exactly at the allotted time.

Shub Niggurath was one of the most powerful entities in the universe. And though I'd come to believe she was a sweet creature (at least to me), she was so incredibly eldritch that she could snap

my brain with a single well-timed look.

Initially she suggested my office for our first date, thinking it would be sentimental. I suggested a public place outside work. She suggested an amphitheater that would hold a billion people

from the 'important' continents to witness it.

I managed to talk her down to the cafe across from my office building.

It was empty inside, save for the kitchen staff clamoring away in the back. Evenings were usually slow here, but it was familiar territory and I hoped that would keep my confidence up.

I did a breath check. It was a useless action: no one had ever gauged their breath smell by breathing in their hand. I decided to crunch an altoid. The burn reminded me of bourbon, and I felt

the old craving. I pushed the thought aside.

I glanced up idly at the corner mounted TV to get the sports scores, but something was off. Instead of a dumb jock SJW on ESPN, I saw a well in a field in grainy black and white. There was no

movement for a while, but then I saw two hands grasp the sides of the well.

"The heck...?" I asked idly.

Oh shit, I thought. I had watched that stupid tape Sam sent me seven days ago.

I sighed, and found myself wishing for my Knob Creek.

"Sam..." I said tiredly as she emerged from the TV.

Sam walked forward on unsteady legs, her hair in front of her eyes.

"Look, I have a really, really big date Sam," I said. "Maybe if it isn't going well I could signal you?" I added, joking.

She kept onward, no laugh or acknowledgment. Sam was a bit of an asshole. I rolled my eyes.

"This is ridiculous, Sam. Please go. We'll deal with all of this tomorrow. I really-"

There was a flash of light from behind me, near the door.

==HI!==

Well, so much for that. I shoved a final mint in my mouth and crunched.

I turned and stood. There she was, Shub Niggurath, at the cafe door. She was every bit as cute as my mind visions - a petite little goat girl with an hourglass figure, jet black ears, hair and

tail. Her eyes were black, but colors seemed to dance in them like exploding stars.

She smiled when she saw me and I felt weak on my knees.

"H-hi Bea. Can I call you Bea?"

==I'D BE MAD IF YOU DIDN'T.==

We hugged. I was taller than her and her arms wrapped around my neck gently. I smelled her heavy perfume - something exotic and alien, which must have had some mild painkiller narcotic in it,

because I felt my head grow foggy.

Bea looked over at Sam, standing there, in her white nightgown with her hair in her eyes.

==OH. HELLO. CAN I GET AN ICED TEA?==

Sam glared at her, and moving aside her hair, her face distorted and twisted into a frightening sight. Or maybe it would have been frightening, if I had never seen Oscar Wilde's prolapsed anus

leak puss onto the cast of MASH.

Bea blinked and frowned.

==CAN...CAN I HELP YOU? IS SHE OUR WAITRESS?==

Sam's eyes widened. She looked at

me. I shrugged.

==WHAT'S HER PROBLEM, ANON?==

"She's trying to kill us," I said tiredly.

==OHHH HOW SWEET. THANKS HONEY BUT WE'RE BUSY. MAYBE WE'LL SHED FORMS LATER BUT WE'RE OKAY FOR NOW. NOW GO GET ME AN ICED TEA, KIDDO.==

Sam trembled for a moment in the sight of the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, then ambled off toward the kitchen.

"Humans don't shed forms, Bea," I said as Sam entered the kitchen through the swinging doors. Gasps and cries of alarm drifted out of the room.

==OH RIGHT. WHY'D SHE OFFER TO KILL US THEN?==

"She was being...malevolent," I said.

==NO KIDDING. SO THAT WOULD...WAIIIT. YOU CAN'T UN-DIE, AT LEAST NOT WITHOUT HELP. SHE WANTED TO MAKE YOU NOT LIVE EVER AGAIN. THAT'S SO MEAN! WELL, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT!==

Shub Niggurath scrunched up her little goat face. It looked cute as hell but it was still terrifying to watch the colors in her eyes flash.

There was a whistling sound, a low guttural moan, and then sickly black goo splashed all over the windows on the kitchen doors. From behind the doors there was hysterical screaming, and loud,

high-pitched laughter which marked the sound of brains being torn in two.

==WE'LL SEE HOW LITTLE MISS KILL PEOPLE LIKES BEING TICKLED BY NIGHT GAUNTS FOR A FEW EONS. DUMB KID.==

The doors opened and a waitress emerged, slick with the hideous black slime. She vomited all over the counter and collapsing into sobs.

==SO ANYWAY THIS IS A NICE PLACE. I THINK IT WORKED OUT BETTER THAN THE AMPHITHEATER. YOU WERE RIGHT. DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?==

"Usually after work I'll have a coffee before I head home," I said, casting a glance at the waitress shuddering into the counter. "Sadly I don't think you'll be able try the coffee here."

==I DON'T DRINK COFFEE, REMEMBER?==

"I thought that was just part of your 'Bea' thing."

==WHAT 'BEA' THING?==

"You know, the call the other day. All the stuff about the daycare and boyfriend and being a mormon..."

==I WASN'T LYING ABOUT ANY OF IT. I DID HAVE A BREAKUP TWO MILLION YEARS AGO. AND I AM A MORMON.==

"...really?"

==YEP.==

"So you...you think Joseph Smith had gold plates..."

==LET'S NOT DO THIS.==

"Fair enough, I'm sorry."

"Horr..horrible..." The waitress sobbed into the counter-vomit. "Exploded..."

==EXCUSE ME, MISS? COULD I GET AN ICED TEA?==

"She..she's broken, Bea," I said gently.

==OH. WAS THAT FROM POPPING THE DEAD GIRL?==

"Yeah. Maybe we should just go..."

==NO. I WANT MY ICED TEA.==

Shub Niggurath looked over at the waitress.

==LISTEN TO ME.==

The waitress looked up, her eyeliner smeared by tears and her face wet with mucus and puke. When she saw the countenance of the eldritch goat girl, her face went blank.

==BRING ME AN ICED TEA.==

The waiteress' eyes glazed over.

"Yes, Hell Mother. I shall bring you an Iced Tea, Hell Mother."

Within seconds the drink was placed down gently on the table.

"Who might I kill for you, Lord of the Woods?"

==NO ONE FOR NOW. YOU ARE OUR WAITRESS.==

"Yes. Your waitress, Dark One. Will you allow us the honor of preparing food for you?" The waitress said in a flat monotone.

==NO, THANK YOU. WE SHALL BE EATING ELSEWHERE. WE ARE HERE SIMPLY TO ENJOY DRINKS. BUSY YOURSELF CLEANING THE KITCHEN.==

"Yes, Black Goat," the girl said with a bow, before disappearing into the other room.

Shub Niggurath turned to me with a nervous smile.

==I THINK THIS IS GOING WELL SO FAR. WHAT DO YOU THINK?==

"It's going about as I thought it would," I said, looking at the counter and the blackened windows.

Shub Niggurath's face turned fearful.

==IS...IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?==

I smiled and took her hand. Her eyes widened and her tentative smile broke into a full grin. Her hand was soft and warm, and she clenched it onto mine.

==LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE HAD TROUBLE WITH SOME OF THE STUFF WE'VE DONE. I TEXTED LINCOLN-BOOTH AND TOLD THEM NOT TO COME OVER ANYMORE. THEY UPSET YOU.==

"That-that's very kind of you. I don't really have a problem with them...well okay, not with Lincoln. It really is more all the weird stuff in its totality. Could it...maybe just be you and me?

No weirdness?"

She smiled.

==SURE. I'LL DO WHAT I CAN.==

From within the kitchen came a deep, fervent chanting:" IA! SHUB-NIGGURATH! IA AZATHOTH!"

==I THINK THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT. ANON...I THINK YOU NEED A NEW JOB.==

I sighed. "A new job..."

==THESE CALLS ARE HURTING YOU. IT ISN'T JUST ME BEING ME; IT'S AM-Y AND PEOPLE LIKE THAT GIRL I HAD TO POP. I CHECKED YOUR ECONOMIC SYSTEM BEFORE I CAME AND YOUR PEOPLE HAVE SOME LIMITED ABILITY

TO CHANGE JOBS. WHY DO YOU STAY?==

"Why..." I echoed, wishing I had something stiffer than coffee. "I kind of drifted through school. Wound up getting a literature degree, although I'm not sure I was any better at that than

anything else. I've never really known what I was good at, until I took this stupid job. Suddenly I could talk to these girls no one else could talk to, make them happy. I...I don't know that I

can do anything but this job."

"Bea..." I continued. "I'm afraid this is what I was made to do, that I can't leave because it's my purpose. I'm supposed to be a sex toy for manaics and Cosmic Beings."

==WELL YOU CAN REST EASY THERE; YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A HUSBAND AND TO FATHER COSMIC BEINGS.==

"I'm not sure that's better."

==SURE IT IS. I'VE HAD LOTS OF KIDS. IT'S SO MUCH FUN. PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.==

"Are you lonely, then? Not being married?"

==WELL, I HAVE A LOT OF KIDS. THEY KEEP ME BUSY.==

Shub Niggurath sighed, and for a moment I saw the weariness I had seen when I looked in the mirror.

==I DO MISS HAVING A HUSBAND. I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME. FORTUNATELY THAT WILL CHANGE SOON. WE WILL MARRY.==

"Do I get a say in this?"

==D-DON'T YOU LIKE ME?==

"I do, very much, God help me," I responded. "But shouldn't we have a courtship first? Let's be traditional, maybe..."

==FAIR ENOUGH. I BELIEVE TRADITION ALSO CALLS FOR NO SEX DURING THE COURTSHIP.==

"...forget I said anything."

==I THOUGHT SO. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU BOYS. YOU GOT TO BE REELED IN. TIED DOWN...==

She pulled the lemon slice out of her iced tea and chewed it in her mouth, rind and all, then swallowed. She smacked her lips.

I laughed.

==WHAT?==

"You are a goat aren't you?"

==YEAH, SO? THINK I COULD GET SOME MORE OF THAT YELLOW SHELL ON THE FRUIT?==

"I'll pick some up later. Are you getting hungry?"

==I TOOK IN STARLIGHT BEFORE I CAME HERE. BUT I DO WANT TO TRY A BOWL OF VEINS AT TOWER OF BABEL.==

"Spaghetti."

==OHHHH RIGHT, RIGHT. I LOVE SPAGHETTI. IS THAT WITH MEAT SAUCE?==

"It's Tomato or meat sauce. They also do a creamy Alfredo."

==ALFREDO TASTES DIFFERENT HERE ON EARTH. IS IT JUST THE ONE BIG ALFREDO YOU GOT SOMEWHERE OR DO YOU EAT ANYONE NAMED ALFREDO? WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR YEARS.==

"It's named for the guy who made the recipe I think. We don't actually eat people named Alfredo. It's a cheese sauce."

==...OH.==

"Why, where do you guys get 'Alfredo' from?"

==EARTH. LET'S NOT NAME ANY KIDS ALFREDO.==

"...Okay. What do you think? Get food?"

==LET'S FINISH OUR DRINKS. CHAT.==

As Shub Niggurath and I finished our drinks, we talked about our childhoods. I told her about growing up in Upstate New York, and my father who hanged himself when he and mom separated, and she

told me about the swirling aether in which Darkness spawned her after mating with the Daemon Sultan Azathoth.

When we finished our drinks, we headed for the Tower of Babel. Shub-Niggurath had a BMW parked outside. It was dark blue, a **current year** GT which despite its dark color seemed to shimmer with

a wondrous sheen.

"Wow, that's nice..." I said.

==I FIGURED YOU MIGHT LIKE A NICE CAR.==

"Wait...it's yours, right?"

==IT WAS FOR A FEW HOURS, BUT NOW IT'S YOURS.==

"No..."

==SURE. YOU LIKE CARS. I DON'T DRIVE; I CAN NEVER GET THE PEDALS RIGHT. I CAN TELEPORT ANYWAYS.==

I teared up.

"Bea...you...you got me a car?"

I rushed and embraced her. She cooed and wrapped her arms around her neck.

"Thank you, thank you!" I blubbered.

==GEEZ, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL!==

"You bought me a nice car! They're expensive!"

==WELL IT'S FUNNY YOU SAY THAT. I HAD THE CASH, BUT THE NICE PEOPLE AT THE DEALERSHIP GAVE IT TO ME ON THE CONDITION I WOULD STAY AWAY FROM THEM.==

"Well, wait here. I um, got you something too..."

I went to my old 'rustbucket' car and dug out my gift: purple snapdragons wrapped and arranged delicately by the gayest florist I could find.

"I got you some snapdragons, cause you said you liked 'em. It isn't as nice as a car, but..."

==OHHHHHH I LOVE THEM!==

She took them up to her nose and her nostrils briefly flared.

==THEY ARE LOVELY. YOU ARE SO SWEET.==

My reward was an embrace and a peck on the cheek. My heart raced.

I drove in my new car, plugging in my ipod which I had pre-loaded with Nine Inch Nails stuff. Shub-Niggurath liked it so much she danced in the seat next to me, or rather...undulated. It was all

intensely erotic yet maddening, the way reality seemed to shift and ripple around her as if she were swimming in it.

Orange light shot into the sky from the top of the tower, and it muscled its way among the skyscrapers and powerful buildings, a testament to the Tower of Babel nightclub and restaurant.

Tower of Babel was Techno and Italian, comfortable yet awe-inspiring. Brick ovens were festooned with circuits and metal, and the food was both homey but grand and inventive at the same time. It

was all much like Debbie herself.

Debbie had been a performer in the old DoomFight leagues, until she had a servo jam during a bout against six Baronesses. She bought Tower of Babel with a few Danuki investors, and it became one

of the premiere spots in the city.

We pulled up in front of the massive gates and pictures of male Barons of Hell, with a giant smiling face of the Icon of Sin himself glaring down at us.

"Name?" The gruff pinky-Demon girl valet barked as we drove up.

"My name's Anon," I said. "I should be on the list..."

The Pinky Demon scanned her tablet.

"Don't see you. Sorry..."

"Look, I know Debbie..."

"Yeah, a couple thousand guys do. I gotta ask you to clear out."

"It must be a mistake," I said. "Please, if you could just call her, it would get straightened out."

"We can't be calling Debbie all night buddy. Call her. She'll get word down."

"See um, she always used to call me..."

"Oh right. Sure. Piss off."

Horns started honking behind us. I felt as if spaghetti wasn't in the restaurant, but in my pocket, and it was about to spill.

==THIS IS RIDICULOUS...==

Shub Niggurath started dialing her finger in the air and held an invisible phone to her ear.

==HI ICON? YEAH, IT'S QUAKE. I'M DOING FANTASTIC. I'M ON A DATE...YES, IT'S WITH HIM! IT'S GOING GREAT! HE GOT ALL EXCITED BECAUSE I GOT HIM ONE OF THEM CAR THINGS. YOU DOING GOOD? I'M GLAD

TO HEAR IT. HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO GET INTO TOWER

OF BABEL...YEAH, IT'S YOUR GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER'S PLACE ON EARTH...OKAY THANKS, I APPRECIATE IT. I'LL MAKE YOU SOME VEINS ALFREDO THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE NEAR DAD'S HOUSE. TAKE CARE, HUN.==

Click.

==HANG ON. ICON OF SIN AND I HAVE EATEN A FEW WORLDS TOGETHER. HE'S GOOD PEOPLE,

FOR A HEAD ON A STICK.==

"Look dude, if you don't move your car, I'm gonna have to move it..."

A Baroness ran out the front and grabbed the Pinky Demon and twisted her to face her. She was screaming in an animated fashion.

The pinky Demon came back, eyes widened, head bowed as she walked behind the Baroness.

"Sorry for the trouble sir, and...um, Auntie Quake. We'll let Debbie know you are here," the Baroness said. "We got you the best seat and a bottle of Crystale on the house. Please accept our

apologies."

"Wow, thanks!" I said, exiting the car.

"Auntie Quake?" I asked as we walked toward the giant double doors.

Shub-Niggurath giggled.

==Yeah...I DID A FEW PROJECTS BACK IN THE 90S.==

We approached the vast brass doors. The deep bass thumped my lungs and the blaring trumpets rang in my ears. To our right was a vast, crowded line of women, men, and monstergirls all hoping to

get inside. Everyone watched as we bypassed them, struggling to see who was so important.

Shub Niggurath put her arm through mine. My heart pounded.

"IA! SHUB-NIGGURATH!" Somebody shouted.

Shub-Niggurath smiled and blew him a kiss. The place started going nuts with flashes.

"Is it a good idea to take a picture of you?" I asked.

==OH SURE. I HARDLY EVER ATTACK PEOPLE THROUGH THEM. IT ISN'T LIKE I'M IN FLESHCLOUD FORM OR ANYTHING.==

"Fleshcloud form?"

==IT'S JUST FOR WHEN I WANT TO DO STUFF IN SPACE, MOSTLY. I LIKE BEING A GOAT.==

The trumpets and drums grew louder. Roman. It was Roman as a Robot Demon could get. My chest swelled to think of Roman Cyberdemons, marching out to conquer barbarians in long lines, their rockets

exploded as they hailed Caesar.

It was all completely insane of course, but here it was as natural as breathing.

As we entered we saw a vast array of revelers of all kinds, dancing in the center of the room as lights flashed and the music pulsed and thumped.

The floors were wrought iron, and orange light shown up from beneath them. The plane was otherworldly, like being in an oven, but somehow it was cozy.

We were taken up the stairs, past one floor of tables, then another, then another, to a high flooewith only two others, that looked down on the lower floors. A vast portal -a slipgate - stood

alongside us, looking out on a blood red field with large green pillars.

Our table was small and cozy, with the chilling champagne already there.

A spiky brown male imp came out with his chest puffed out, his back straight as an arrow.

"Good evening sir and madam," he said in a deep, practiced English. "I am Gaspard, your waiter..."

==OH MY GOD I COULD EAT YOU UP WITH YOUR LITTLE BOWTIE.==

Bea reached up and pinched his cheek.

Gaspard blinked. "Thank you, madam," he said blankly, his eyes staring forward. He looked over at me. "Would you care for the wine list, sir?"

"No, no; I'm giving the stuff a rest, Gaspard. Just an iced tea for me, thanks."

==AND ME AS WELL.==

"Very good then. The Sommelier shall be thrilled, I'm sure," Gaspard said dryly, looking at the opened bottle of Crystale. "I'll get your...iced tea."

"Oh, Gaspard, could you chop up some extra lemon for us?"

"Extra lemon..." He repeated with a nod and a sigh.

Bea beamed at me.

==OHHH THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU! I'M GETTING YOU ANOTHER CAR.==

I laughed. "The one is fine, Bea."

Bea clapped her hands as she walked Gaspard enter the kitchen.

==HE'S ADORABLE, WALKING AROUND WITH HIS BOWTIE AND HIS BACK ALL STRAIGHT LIKE A REAL WAITER.==

"He is a real waiter."

==NOT IMPS. IMPS ARE ALL LITTLE BOYS...EXCEPT THE GIRL ONES I SUPPOSE. HE REMINDS ME OF MY YOUNGEST, ALHAZRED. ALL THE IMPS DO. OH GOSH THEY GROW UP FAST.==

"You haven't talked about your kids much."

Shub-Niggurath's eyes widened.

==OH. WELL...SINGLE MOMS HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT DATING AND TELLING THEIR BOYFRIENDS THAT STUFF.==

"Really? Aren't your kids grown?"

==SOME AREN'T EVEN A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS OLD YET.==

"Oh..." I said, not sure if that meant they were little or not.

==I UNDERSTAND. IT'S ONLY NATURAL THAT YOU ARE CURIOUS. BUT I HAVE TO PUT THEIR SAFETY FIRST.==

"How could I hurt cosmic horrors invulnerable to terrestrial weapons?"

Her eyes narrowed.

==ARE YOU TRYING TO ASSESS THEIR WEAKNESSES?==

"No! No. I meant there isn't a way I could-forget I said anything..."

==I'M SORRY. I'M JUST VERY PROTECTIVE OF THEM. MY OMNIUS...WAS HIT BY ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT LAST WEEK. MY LITTLE BABY...==

Shub-Niggurath bit her lip and blinked a few times.

"I'm sorry," I said, taking her hand. "Is he okay?"

She smiled a little and closed her hand on mine.

==HIS FOOT IS STILL SORE. STUPID FLOOD. WELL, I GOT THEM BACK FOR IT; I MINDRAPED THEIR GRAVEMIND AND HAD THEM ALL KILL THEMSELVES.==

"Well...that's good."

==ONCE OUR LITTLE ONES COME ALONG YOU'LL UNDERSTAND. THE SLIGHTEST INJURY WILL FREAK YOU OUT.==

Our drinks came. Gaspard put down the iced teas and plate of sliced lemon, and stood dutifully as Bea pinched his cheeks again and fussed over him.

It was good, as far as iced teas go, but I found myself missing the long island portion.

I took in the surroundings as we sipped our iced tea.

Lost Souls bussed food back and forth between the tables as Imp waiters patrolled back and forth, in step to the brass and the thumping drums.

Shub Niggurath bounced up and down excitedly, munching down her lemon slices, rind and all, until only mine was left.

She eyed it hungrily but said nothing.

I smiled and fished it out.

"Here you go, Bea," I said.

She smiled.

==YOU SURE?==

"Go ahead."

It was gone before I took my hand back.

==THANKS HUN. YOU ARE SO SWEET.==

She took my hands in hers.

==BOY THESE ARE GOOD SEATS. I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SHOW. I HAVEN'T SEEN DEBBIE IN YEARS. I HOPE SHE'S DOING WELL.==

I nodded and smiled. Seeing Debbie would be...bittersweet.

I knew Debbie felt bad about what had happened between us, or rather what almost happened. We had grown close, and I had just been ready to ask her out when she told me she had a new boyfriend. I

started drinking a bit more, then.

But I looked at my eldritch goat girl. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Chapter 6 - Debbie

ur food came. It was comfortable and delicious - two plates of spaghetti with meat sauce. Bea ate it, and sure enough it was a total mess with her slurping strands and watching them wriggle their

way up to her mouth.

I tried to explain about twirling the spaghetti but the way she stared at me, I'd have had more luck with an actual goat.

The table near us ordered cherries jubilee, and I watched an Arch-Vile in a chef hat summon fire down upon it. It flashed blue in a great conflagration.

As he left to applause, my eye wandered to a trio of demons going around the tables a floor below: a solidly built commando girl with a massive pepper mill, an Imp girl lighting candles with her

fingers, and a pinky Demon who was pouring waters.

The commando girl brought out her pepper mill for a wealthy-looking young couple, and after they assented, zealously began spraying their food, cranking her pepper mill with a loud grinding sound.

Black and brown flakes fell like ashen snow on their pasta.

As she cranked, a young man in a blue suit walked past the three Demons. Even I had to admit he was good looking, and I'm a terrible gauge of male beauty.

He brushed against the Commando girl's side. Her eyes widened, and I could practically see the hearts form above her head. She absently turned to watch him as she cranked, spraying a cloud of

black mist near the spiky Imp girl.

The Imp girl stared forward, her mouth agape and eyes half-closed, as she wrestled with a powerful sneeze.

"AH-AH-AH..." She struggled in a high voice...

She turned away from the table but right into the face of the Pinky Demon girl, who was busying herself pouring a glass with a frown.

"AH-CHOO!"

Water spilled everywhere. The young woman at the table cried out in shock as water sprayed her dress. The Pinky Demon girl wiped the flaming snot off her nose, and her face twisted in rage. The

Imp looked conciliatory, but it was too late.

The Demon leapt forward.

The table shattered as the Pinky Demon tackled the Imp. Plates and silverware launched into the air as the couple ran for cover, and an errant brown hand smacked into the Commando girl and sent

her toppling into a Lost Soul. The poor flaming skull glided like an air hockey puck into another one, sending trays flying everywhere.

The chaos spread, and soon even the upper floor was a total melee. Gaspard had a bald zombie in a headlock and was punching him in the head.

Bea watched the display of carnage and mayhem with laughter and applause, as if she was watching toddlers play.

==I COULD JUST EAT THEM UP!==

"Enough!" A feminine voice bellowed, before a rocket collided and exploded against the wall.

Debbie stepped out from the upstairs kitchen, all eight feet of Steam-goat girl fury. She was a buxom cyberdemon girl, and I felt a tinge of the old spark, still.

The fighting stopped.

"You idiots! This is a restaurant! You are disturbing the guests. They will leave us bad yelp reviews and we'll all be back to doing gaming conventions. Now fix all this."

The Demons worked quickly, setting up tables and Replacing plates and silverware. An Arch-Vile stood over the table shattered by the three Demon servers, and his hands turned red for a moment. It

re-formed before him.

As Debbie nodded at the quick return to normalcy, she turned, and her eyes locked with mine. She froze. She smiled slowly, uncertainly.

She took three quick strides to our table.

"H-hello, anon..." The attractive cyberdemon said.

"Hi Debbie..." I responded.

"You look good," she said.

"You too..."

==HI DEBBIE!==

"Hello...Aunt Quake," Debbie said flatly.

Bea frowned.

==WHAT'S WRONG?==

"Wrong? Why should anything be wrong? I'm at work, at my club that I own. Alone."

Bea looked behind Debbie - as if a person should be there.

==WHERE'S DOOM GUY?==

"Well, funny you should ask; we broke up," there was less sadness in her voice than anger. I suddenly felt very nervous. There was aggression here, and I had no idea why.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Debbie..." I started.

"Hey, these things happen," Debbie said, an edge in her voice. "I mean, things were going so good until we got the news..."

"Wha-What news?" I asked.

Debbie glared at Bea as my goat girl sipped her glass. "That Daisy was alive, of course."

Shub-Niggurath's eyes widened, and she spit out her water.

==HE FOUND OUT!?==

"You can imagine his surprise! And mine too, of course, since I seem to recall someone telling me that she had been eaten."

The glare Debbie gave to Shub-Niggurath was deadlier than her rocket launcher.

"Who is Daisy?" I asked.

"Doom Guy's girlfriend, a rabbit girl. Cutest thing on earth. Sweeter than honey. Makes you sick, honestly," Debbie said, putting a finger down her throat. "Little miss perfect...Doom Guy loves

her. They're getting married now. I got the heave-ho the second he found out she was alive..."

==I'M SO SORRY, DEBBIE...==

"You can put your sorries in a sack," Debbie said. "You were supposed to eat her!"

==I COULDN'T DO IT. SHE REMINDED ME OF TABITHA...==

"Tabitha?" Deborah roared. "Tabitha's a snake made of fire. What does she have in common with a bunnygirl?"

==SHE LIKES JPOP TOO.==

"Jpop?! Jpop?! I...I...lost my true love because of...JPop???" Debbie's eyes filled with tears.

==DEBBIE, PLEASE, I SWEAR, IF I'D KNOWN HE'D HAVE FOUND HER, I WOULD HAVE NOT COME HERE TONIGHT FOR THIS AWKWARD CONVERSATION.==

"Well gee, thanks," Debbie said.

==BUT HOW DID HE KNOW? I PUT HER IN THE VOLCANO PRISON.==

"Yeah, great idea, that. Xemu's the biggest gossip in the galaxy. He posted pictures of them eating Alfredo on Facebook. Xemu's friends with the Strogg, the Strogg told Ranger, and Ranger told

Doom Guy."

==YOU KNOW, COME TO THINK OF IT, I SAW THAT POST.==

"He charged off and rescued her," Debbie continued, picking up our bottle of Crystal and drinking it in two gulps. She chewed on the glass absently, like ice cubes. "Vaporized the prison and

blasted back here in a DC-8 with rocket engines instead of jet turbines."

==I CAN ONLY SAY I'M SORRY, DEBBIE. THIS IS WHY PENCILS HAVE ERASERS. HOW CAN I MAKE AMENDS?==

"Erasers are an apropriate thing to bring up. As I recall, I gave up something very, very dear to me in order to get Doom Guy. And your end was for me to back off on that important thing. If my

relationship is over..."

==WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?==

Debbie looked at me with a razor sharp grin. "Why nothing. I'm going to go perform. See you later...Auntie Quake. And you as well, Anon."

The cyberdemon steamed off with great strides, making the glasses in the table clink against the plates.

Bea was shaking, breathing heavily, fussing and fanning herself with both hands.

"Calm down, sweetie," I said.

==SHE'S GONNA TRY TO GIVE ME THE BAD END.==

"She can't possibly kill you," I said.

==NO, SHE CAN'T. THAT'S NOT THE BAD END.==

She grasped my hand tightly. There was genuine fear in her eyes.

"Me? You think she wants to kill me?"

==NOT THAT EITHER.==

She leaned in even closer, clutching my hand even tighter. Her eyes wide with fear.

==SHE'LL TAKE YOU AWAY. MAKE YOU HATE ME. THAT'S THE BAD END.==

I laughed.

"She can't make me hate you, Bea..."

==YOU LOVE HER MORE THAN ME. SHE HAD YOU FIRST, UNTIL I BOUGHT HER OFF WITH DOOM GUY.==

"That-what?"

==I TOLD HER TO BACK OFF ON YOU. SHE SAID SHE'D DO IT IF I GOT HER HER CRUSH. I WAS SUPPOSED TO EAT DAISY TO GET HER OUT OF THE PICTURE.==

"That...that's awful."

==WELL, I AM A COSMIC HORROR AND SHE'S A DEMON. WHAT IS ONE BUNNY GIRL NEXT TO MY UNFATHOMABLE WILL? BUT I COULDN'T DO IT. DAISY WAS SO NICE AND SCARED, AND I CAN'T STAND BETWEEN TRUE LOVE. SO

I CRAWFISHED. I DUMPED HER OFF IN A CELL WITH XEMU. I WAS HOPING DOOMGUY WOULD FIND OUT AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, BUT XEMU HAD TO BE A FUCKING FAGGOT AND HE BLABBED.==

"You were gonna double-cross Debbie all along?"

==WELL SHE'S A LESSER BEING. IT'S MY RIGHT. IT'S ALL SO SORDID WHEN 'D' GETS INVOLVED, HUN. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT WE DO. WHAT I'VE DONE.==

"Oh I believe it," I said. I sighed and shook my head.

I squeezed her hand.

"I know you can be a total creepy eldritch nightmare, but you are my creepy eldritch nightmare. I love you more than I ever loved her."

Shub-Niggurath smiled, a sweet smile.

Chapter 7 - The Kiss

"Maybe we should get going," I said. "Prevent any awkwardness."

==IT'S NOT GOING TO MATTER. SHE HAS SOMETHING PLANNED.==

"Well, then why not trip her or give her a cankersore?"

==NO. I CAN'T JUST JAM THIS THROUGH. IF I WANTED THAT I'D HAVE BROKEN YOUR BRAIN AND REBUILT YOU AS A DROOLING SEMEN PUMP. YOU HAVE TO REFUSE HER...BUT YOU WON'T. SHE'LL USE HER CYBERDEMON

CHARMS.==

"Stop saying that!" I said, my voice raised. "I already told you that I love you!"

==DON'T SHOUT AT ME.==

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Let's just get out of here. Let me flag down Gaspard and settle up the bill."

I moved to signal him, but the house lights darkened, and the slip gate burst on in a fiery disorder. And through it, I saw Debbie standing with a microphone.

"Hey everyone! Welcome to the Tower of Babel. Where everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's right; the points are like anything id software has done after 2001."

The crowd winced.

"What, are they in the audience? We got a great show for you today. Morthus the Mancubus is going to stop by, and Barefoot Baroness. Also, Alton Brown will stop by. But first I'd like to take a

moment to talk about a very special person. A boy..."

Uh oh, I thought.

"He's a really great guy and well-let's get him down here! Anon, come down here!"

The whole place started applauding.

I looked at Bea.

==JUST DO IT. GET IT OVER WITH.==

Sighing, I stood.

"I guess I have to. You won't relax until I shoot her down," I said.

I went through the slipgate, into the sands of Deimos itself. The wind hit me, bereft of refreshment due to its heat. Slipgates stared down at us, windows into the club back on earth through which

the patrons watched.

"Isn't he gorgeous girls?"

Cheers and hooting erupted through the slipgates.

"Yes, but-" I started.

"We almost dated, but I don't need to tell all of you how things can go. He was so heartbroken that we never went out. He'll deny it now, of course, but he called me once, a month back. Do you

remember?"

"I don't have your number," I said.

"You called and left a message on the machine at Tower of Babel. It was popular with the girls...and me, I'll admit."

My mind raced. There had been a few nights where I had blacked our from drinking, especially after that damned Holder of the End got me to ask her what happens when they all come together. There

was no telling what I did...

"Do you guys want to hear it?" Debbie asked:

The crowd, retarded trained seals that they were, clapped and applauded.

"No!" I shouted.

"Don't worry; if it embarrasses you, it's a good embarrassment..."

"But I'm in love with-"

My voice reverberated over the loudspeaker, cutting me off.

"Debbie...I don't...I don't have your numberrbut....I missed my chance. I...I love you, Debbie. I wish I had gotten to you sooner. The times...the calls. They were the most intense, most erotic

experience of my life. I let you go. I miss you..."

"I was drunk!" I shouted up toward the slipgates. But I had no microphone and the crowd didn't hear me over their sentimental 'awwwwww.'

I could see Bea through the slipgate. Her lip was quivering. She heard all of it.

"No..." I pleaded.

"Should I let him ask me out?" Debbie said, staring at Bea.

The crowd cheered. I moved to escape, but Debbie grabbed me gently but firmly. There was no way in Hell I could get out of her grasp.

Debbie leaned down. Tantalizing and beautiful, as the crowd cheered for a kiss. She gently jiggled her breasts at my face.

"You could ask me out now."

"But I am..." I started into the microphone.

"Good," she said, yanking away the mic. "I accept."

"N-"

As I opened my mouth to speak, she lunged in. Her full lips touched mine, and her tongue invaded my open mouth.

The crowd cheered.

My heart skipped, and for a second - a split second - I did the worst thing of all. I savored it. And then I realized what had happened, and I thought of Bea. I recoiled with a gasp, a sickness

in my chest.

Debbi grinned down at me wickedly, triumphantly. I shook my head but her grip tightened. I couldn't escape.

A chair slid backward. Impossibly it overpowered all other noises, and all eyes knew where it came from. The club went dead silent.

And a shadow loomed until there was no light on Deimos, for a vast shape had stood in front of the sun.

Debbie released me and leapt away, and for a moment I think she realized what exactly she was trifling with, and how she could very spend eternity in many pieces.

But instead, the shadow moved off, and faintly through the slipgate I saw a tiny goat girl, her hand over her mouth, racing for the stairs.

"Bea!" I called out. "Wait!"

Debbie reached out to grab me, but her fear had made her leap out of reach. I made my way to the slipgate.

I looked back at her. She saw the sadness in my eyes, and her face twisted with horror.

"Anon, I-" she started.

"You really do belong in hell, Debbie," I said, stepping through the slipgate.

I never looked back again.

I raced through the club, through the nauseous swirling orange lights, my feet clanking on the iron floors. The Tower of Babel was a twisted metal structure, built to seduce, to lull, but it was

full of jagged and nasty angles, and harsh lighting. It was a maze designed to keep you in, away from your goat girl whose heart (or one of them, anyway) you had broken.

As I bolted out the front door. I saw the commando girl from earlier. She had the blue suited young man pinned against a wall, and was intensely sucking on his face, her thin but toned muscles

wrapped around his shoulders. He held her in his arms, her legs wrapped around him.

"Did you see a goat girl run past?" O shouted.

The commando broke off. "Fuck no, I've been-"

"Yes, I saw her," the man said, panting. She went off that way..."

"Great, thanks," I said, as they resumed their intense make out session.

I ran down the road. I saw a broken black heel stuck in a grate, and discarded shoes split for cloven hooves. Those were Bea's, they had to be. I sprinted into the fog, past the mist and steam

rising up from the sewer grates with a hiss.

I was encouraged by the fact that she didn't teleport away, or that we weren't going uphill where her goat legs would grasp the terrain more effectively than my own.

I heard a smash and rattle in a side alley, and I turned back. There was a figure there, walking away on bear cloven feet, her hourglass figure swaying as she ran.

"Bea!" I called out.

The figure stopped. Her head bobbed. It was her.

"Bea..."

I heard her sobbing as I approached. I raced to her and spun her around.

Her cosmic eyes were stormy, tears were running down her face as her lip pouted.

==I FELT IT. THAT SPLIT SECOND WHERE YOU-==

"If you felt that," I said, drawing closer, "...then feel this..."

I grasped her in my arms, and planted my lips against hers, tilting her backward and forcing her into my grasp.

She collapsed with a swoon, uttering a small muffled cry of surprise in her throat.

Our mouths opened, and my tongue found a timid companion. Then another tongue. And another. And another, soon all working and falling all over each other to taste me. My heart pounded. I could

feel her deep exhales as we kissed, her embrace as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"There," I said, when I was finally able to break away. "I love you, Shub Niggurath. Not some dumb skyscraper with goat legs. You. I would rather have one nightmare with you than a million good

dreams with anybody else."

==OHHH A-ANON...==

She blinked at me, tears of joy in her eyes.

She latched back onto me, forcing her tongues into my mouth and encircling mine, covering it in her saliva.

She pointed up her cleavage toward my face.

==WORSHIP MY TITS.==

I pushed her over to the brick wall of the alley, and slid her up it. She wrapped her legs around my waist, kissing me from above.

I buried my head into her perfect breasts, so soft yet firm. She pulled them out of her dress and out of her bra with the sound of torn fabric, and I gazed at her perfect, pointed nipples. I

swirled my tongue around them, and she tilted her head back and moaned.

I moved my face into her cleavage, reveling in the feel against my cheeks. She clutched my head and pushed in firmly, tilting me to lick one or the other.

After a few minutes of suckling at her while she groaned, she pulled my head away.

==LET'S FUCK.==

I felt a slight warmth, then cold air. I looked at my arm and saw the fabric of my suit and shirt burning away with gentle orange embers, leaving my bare flesh which rippled with goosebumps in the

chill.

"My clothes..." I said

==FUCK YOUR CLOTHES. YOU DON'T NEED THEM. I WANT YOU NAKED.==

As my underwear burned away, Shub-Niggurath squatted before my unsheathed penis near the piles of trash, and took me into her mouth.

The warmth and softness - and the countless tongues - worked me over as she suckled with slurps and gulps. The pleasure was so intense my knees buckled.

She stared up at me with her dark eyes, and within were what seemed like thousands of sparkling stars.

I cried out in ecstasy. Those eyes. I tilted my head back...

She took me out of her mouth. I snapped my head back down.

==DON'T LOOK AWAY. STARE IN MY EYES.==

She slurped and sucked, and I began to pump into her mouth. She had me. The pleasure, the joy...

"B...Bea...I'm gonna cum...I'm cumming...Oh..."

I closed my eyes.

It ended.

She was gone. I whimpered and looked around, and for a moment I thought this was some cruel trick, until I saw her bent over the dumpster, her skirt hiked up, her perfect ass swaying as her little

goat tail wagged.

==IT'S TIME. ENTER ME.==

I slipped the tip of my cock into her waiting most pussy. She cooed and tightened as I entered, her head lowering.

I plunged in with a grunt. She cried out.

I pumped and slid, and as I did she moaned. The universe shook beneath us, above us. The stars fell out of the sky and returned to their spot in the firmament.

As I felt the moment near, I reveled in her tail against me, and her wiggling hips, and those...ears.

I went for it.

I grabbed her long, soft goat ears in my hands.

==WHAT ARE YOU-==

I tugged on them as I pumped, using them as handles I pulled her head upward. She yelped but gushed wetness all over me, and as I thrusted I felt the walls of her vagina quiver and shake against

my cock like a cave in a collapsing mountain.

==AGHHHHHH ANONNNNN!==

Her voice sent me over the edge, and I erupted inside her.

"Ia! Iaaaaaaaa Shub Niggurath! Iaaaaaaaa!" I shouted.

My balls emptied into her.

And then William Shakespeare walked past, totally naked, a towel draped over his shoulder as if he were headed for a locker-room shower.

He stopped and examined us a moment, pursed his lips, nodded, and gave me a thumbs up.

"Huh. The Bard likes my form," I said.

And then, my will exhausted, I collapsed.

When I came to, I was in my bed, a goat girl nuzzled up against me, her eyes open and staring into mine as I opened them. She smiled wide.

==MORNING SLEEPY. OR SHOULD I SAY, STALLION.==

I laughed. "That was amazing."

==YEP. THE NEXT FOUR TIMES WERE GREAT TOO.==

"You fucked me while I was out?"

==ABSOLUTELY. I HAVE TAKEN THE SUM TOTAL OF TWO BILLION SPERM FROM YOU. I AM NOW WITH CHILD. A BOY. WE SHALL NAME HIM BASTARD, FOR HE WAS CONCEIVED IN CONGRESS OUTSIDE OF WEDLOCK.==

"I-I don't think he'll like that."

==HE WON'T AT ALL. HE SHALL LOATHE HIS NAME.==

"Well, what about Jeremy? I like Jeremy."

==JEREMY? YOU WANT A COSMIC ENTITY TO BE NAMED JEREMY?==

"Fair enough; we'll discuss later. So when do you want to marry? Soon?"

==AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I NEED TO BRING YOU TO SEE THE FAMILY FIRST. IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE ROUGH, TO WARN YOU.==

"I know; your kids will he reluctant."

==MY BABIES? NO, THEY'LL LOVE YOU. MEETING DADDY IS WHAT COULD BE...TRICKY.==

My blood went cold. "D-daddy? Azathoth? Why do I need to meet him? I thought he was asleep..."

==WELL, MOSTLY. LOOK, DADDY'S REALLY SWEET. HE JUST HAS A THING ABOUT THE BOYS I DATED OR MARRIED.==

"A thing?"

==HE'S INCINERATED THEM TO A MAN. BUT THEY WERE ALL JERKS WHO MADE ME CRY. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. I'M SURE OF IT. HE'LL LIKE YOU.==

"I'm gonna get the Bad End, aren't I?"

==NOW SWEETIE THERE'S NO GUARANTEE YOU WILL. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT. NOW THAT YOU ARE AWAKE...==

She reached down between my legs and grasped my cock.

I smiled. "Yes, Shub-Niggurath," I said.

Chapter 8 - The Warp

==YOU OK, HUN?==

Bea sat in the seat next to me on the ship, her head on my shoulder, adoringly staring into my eyes.

It had been six weeks since I had started dating the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, and as terrifying and insanity-inducing as it was, I had never been happier. She was such a

sweetheart.

I rubbed the sweat on my palms onto my pants and nodded. I didn't like showing fear in front of Shub-Niggurath, even if it happened often enough.

"Yeah..." I said. "I've just never um, never traveled through the Warp before."

Bea bounced up and down with a big grin. Her goat ears flopped, as did her full breasts. The jiggle still excited me even after all these weeks.

==I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING! YOUR FIRST BIG TRIP.==

"Couldn't we just teleport there?" I asked, swallowing as I watched the stars through the window.

==AND MISS OUT ON THE EXPERIENCE? IF WE'RE LUCKY WE MIGHT GET TO SEE KHORNE ERUPTING.==

"What happens to the ship if Khorne erupts?"

==WE HAVE A WONDERFUL UNPLANNED VACATION. THE DAEMONS KNOW HOW TO PARTY. WHY, ARE YOU NERVOUS?==

"I just don't want to be corrupted into some pustule-laden corpse-man or rageaholic or...well, whatever Tzeentch and Slaanesh do. But you'd stop that, right?"

Bea clapped her hands excitedly and smiled, her ears waggling.

==YOU WOULD BE SOOO ADORABLE CORRUPTED BY CHAOS.==

"That's not funny," I admonished.

==WHAT, NOT EVEN ONE TENTACLE? THEY CAN BE VERY EROGENOUS, YOU KNOW.==

"I really don't feel comfortable..."

==HUN, JUST CALM DOWN. IF CONGRESS WITH THE HELL MOTHER DIDN'T CORRUPT YOU, NOTHING IN THERE WILL. AND THE WARP IS LIKE A TEA PARTY COMPARED TO DADDY'S HOUSE.==

"Daddy..." I repeated, grimly. The Daemon Sultan at the center of the universe, sleeping in nightmare, creating all of existence in his bad dream. I had to go and 'speak' to it somehow, about my

intentions with its daughter.

==DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT. DADDY'S GONNA LOVE YOU.==

"And if he doesn't?"

==THEN I'LL POUT AND HE'LL ACCEPT IT. OR HE'LL TORCH YOU AND BUY ME A PONY.==

"So it's win-win for you, that's good," I said with a small laugh and a shudder to my core.

==DADDY HARDLY EVER BURNS ANYONE I LIKE. RELAX.==

I exhaled.

==LET'S TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE IMPERIUM OF MANKIND?==

"They seem...intense," I said, watching several somber Imperial Guardsmen enter the flight deck. In spite of their attempt at stoicism, they were all scarcely older than eighteen, wide-eyed as

they beheld the Imperial Cruiser.

I frowned. "Why are Imperial Guard troops going to see Azathoth?"

Bea leaned over to me, her dark eyes sparkling.

==THEY DON'T KNOW THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GOING. THEY THINK THEY ARE HEADING TO A COLONY IN THE MILKY WAY. I'M GOING TO SURPRISE THEM WHEN WE GET IN THE WARP. AND TAKE OVER CONTROL OF THE SHIP.==

"I'm guessing they won't appreciate that," I said.

Shub Niggurah shrugged.

==SO WHAT? MY COSMIC MORALITY TRANSCENDS THEIR PUNY 'FEELINGS' AND 'CONCERNS' AND 'SANTIY.' WE SHOULD BE LEAVING SOON.==

As the ship entered into the Warp, Shub-Niggurath put a hand on her brow.

"You okay?" I asked.

==YEP. I JUST NEED TO GET INTO THE NAVIGATOR'S BRAIN...JUST GOTTA FIND THE RIGHT ONE...C'MON, WHERE'S THAT SNAP...THERE WE GO! I'M IN. NOW, LET'S CHANGE COURSE...==

There was no appreciable effect in the craft, but Bea seemed quite happy with herself.

We drifted along, riding the currents of psychic thought. Bea sat next to me, her face scrunched up.

"How is it going?"

==WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME. WE GOT A STRONG CURRENT.==

A few hours - or was it minutes? - passed. Bea looked about impatiently. The craft was quiet; most of the Imperial Guard were asleep. In truth, my own eyes were feeling heavy.

Finally it grew too much for my eldritch goat.

==WE NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP A BIT.==

There was a sound of something powering down. The guardsmen stirred, looking around uncertainly at the sudden quiet.

"What did you do?"

==I SHUT OFF THE CONTAINMENT FIELD. WE'LL MEET SOME NEW FRIENDS.==

There were purple flashes of light. The Imperial Guard troops were pulled from their seats as daemonettes with shapely forms and lobster claws quickly overpowered them and began tearing off their

clothes.

"Uh oh..." I said over the male screams and laugh girlish voices.

==THIS IS JUST HOW YOU SAY HELLO IN THE WARP.==

Several daemonettes approached us, eyeing me hungrily. I shifted in my seat.

"He's cute..." One of the daemonettes said. "Alright goat girl, hand him over..."

Bea wrapped her arms around me.

==MINE.==

The daemonettes -even those with the soldiers - turned their heads to the sound of the voice. Their eyes widened. The daemonettes dropped to their knees.

"Ia, Hell Mother!" the first damonette said, staring at the floor. "Forgive us. Are all these yours?"

The men looked up from near their respective tormentors, eyes wide, pleading with desperation.

==JUST THIS ONE. THE OTHERS ARE FREE: BUT TAKE THEM ONLY IF YOU PLAN TO MAKE THEM HUSBANDOS, NO FUCK AND CHUCK.==

"Okay. What about your mate? Could we play with him? Maybe start him off for you?"

==NO.==

"Well...can we watch you play with him?" One of the shorter daemonettes asked.

"We would be honored to see The Hell Mother copulate," another said. "To learn."

"And we can see his cock, too!" The short one added, clacking her lobster claw as another elbowed her.

Bea looked at me for a second. I shook my head slightly.

==THAT SEEMS FAIR.==

"Wa-" I started, before the kiss.

Our lips met, and our tongues intertwined, and my heart began racing. The Slaaneshi began to coo and moan, and being watched -knowing they were watching us- made me get hard.

Bea looked in my eyes and blinked her eyelashes at me with a coquettish smile. How could I resist?

I smiled and put my hand behind her head, burying my fingers in her soft hair. Our lips interlocked.

Our clothes were soon off in tatters, and Bea was straddling me, grinding her sweet moist hole against the base of my cock as I thrusted upward into her.

Her breasts heaved. She moaned and cooed, her vagina muscles tightening against me.

The daemonettes began swaying and undulating as they watched us, grabbing the now naked Imperial guardsmen and riding them like mechanical bulls. The soldiers' screams of terror gave way to moans

of ecstasy.

Soon they all faded away, and there was only me and Bea, and our hands, our lips, our sex. I felt the climax fulminating within me.

Bea came first, yipping and crying out with a loud roar, and her quivering vagina put me to climax. I erupted inside her. Bea's eyes went wide, and I saw the universe inside them.

The sex went on for hours. Something about the Warp replenished you. Finally everyone was exhausted, and daemonettes lay cuddled with their new beaus, all sleeping with big smiles on their faces.

Shub Niggurath lay nestled against me, our bodies slick with sweat and sex, my empty balls the only aching part of me. Her cute little face was so serene.

I kissed her all over her face.

I petted Bea's soft ears as she slept up against me.

There was another flash, red this time, and a deep resonating thud on the ship. A vast shape with dark wings appeared before us, and turned colorless eyes toward me and Bea.

The hulking Daemon approached. A Bloodthirster.

I nudged Bea, but she remained peacefully asleep.

"Hun..." I said quietly but urgently.

The beast took one cavernous step towards us. Everything shook.

"Hun?!" I said, my voice breaking.

The bloodthirster stood above us. He had to be three of me tall, his hands could crush my skull like a grape.

"H-hi..." I said, as the hulking beast obscured all light above me.

"Hi, I'm Frank," the big daemon said, folding his wings.

"Hello...Frank. You just got here?"

"Yep. Got created by the immense psychic energy of Shub Niggurath's orgasm."

"Oh. Why a Bloodthirster? I'd figure a daemonette."

Frank shrugged. "Fuck if I know. If I had to guess, Mom suppresses a powerful homicidal urge to eat her mate following an orgasm. I think...you're my Dad?"

"I uh...yeah. Hi, son."

The bloodthirster smiled, or got as close to doing it as he could.

"So Dad, can I have fifty bucks?"

"Fifty bucks?! What for?"

"Some of the guys are gonna go buy chainaxes and stuff."

"You already met people?"

"Yeah, well, the Warp and time currents..."

"And you went and saw your friends first before seeing your Mom and me?" I said, a little upset.

His rolled his pure white eyes. "C'mon Dad, you and Mom were...you know..." He pointed at our naked bodies. "This is bad enough."

I sighed and covered up Shub Niggurath's breasts with my arm. "Alright. Where are my pants?"

"Which fragment?" Frank said testily.

"Hey, your Mom and Dad have sex, alright?" I shot back. "If you want my money..."

"Alright, alright. Where are they?"

I saw a fragment of khaki with a bit of leather sticking out.

"It's over there," I said, pointing. "Just take what I got. Leave me a twenty."

My massive son dug down, fishing out my wallet and removing two bills.

"Thanks Dad," he said, turning to leave. A breeze followed in his wake.

"Wait, wait...you gotta say hello to your mother," I said.

He sighed. "I'll catch up with you guys later. Mom's sleeping. Best not to wake her."

I drifted back into sleep, dreaming of screaming monsters and tentacles. It was all fairly tame.

Bea stirred, and I woke with her, shaking off sleep as I scanned the cruiser. The 'newlyweds' were all up, and for the most part dressed. The daemonettes had made their new husbands breakfast:

pastries shaped with an erotic theme. Everyone was sitting down to a quiet meal, although the soldiers didn't appear too crazy about the penis-shaped danish.

Bea stirred again, letting out a little coo.

"Morning, mommy..." I whispered, kissing her velvet ear. It twitched.

Bea giggled, smiling with her eyes still shut. She grasped my hand and put it to her womb lovingly.

==I LOVE BEING CALLED THAT. YOU WILL SO LOVE BEING A DADDY AND MEETING OUR SON. AND HE'S GOING TO BE SUCH A GOOD BOY.==

"Actually, I already met our son."

Bea frowned.

==BUT LITTLE BASTARD HASN'T FULLY FORMED HIS TELEPATHIC ORGANS. HOW COULD HE BE GIVING YOU NIGHTMARES YET? DID HE TIME TRAVEL?==

"It wasn't him. We have another son, Frank. He's a bloodthirster. He was born from your um...climax."

Bea's eyes shot open, glistening with sparkles in the black of her pupils. She glared about with a wide grin and leapt up. She grabbed in the air and a robe was there for her, and she wrapped

herself in it.

==WE MADE A BABY IN THE WARP?! AN ITTY BITTY BLOODTHIRSTER?WHERE IS HE???==

She looked about excitedly.

==FRANK?? FRANKIE?!==

I cleared my throat.

"He's gone."

Bea blinked for a moment, uncomprehending.

==GONE?==

"He um...he asked for fifty bucks and left."

Bea's smile faded. She looked as if she had been slapped.

==H-HE DIDN'T SAY HELLO??==

"You were sleeping. He didn't want-"

Her eyes welled with tears.

==HE DIDN'T GIVE HIS MOMMY A KISS?!==

"Oh Hun..."

She burst into tears.

I stood, and wrapped my arms around her. She shuddered.

"He's-you know ..." I started. "...a Bloodthirster. He wanted to go out with his friends."

The only response I got was a loud sob.

==HE'S JUST A BABY OUT THERE. THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A BLOODTHIRSTER.==

"The Warp isn't?"

==EXACTLY. LOOK AT THIS DEN OF RAPE AND MURDER. WHAT IF THE OTHER BLOODTHIRSTERS ARE MEAN TO HIM?==

"I think he'll be okay. He's a big guy."

==FOR YOU.==

"I could try to look for him..." I said, unclear how I would do that.

==NO, NO...I'LL HAVE GINO TRACK HIM.==

"Gino?"

==HE'S MY OLDEST BLOODTHIRSTER. HE'LL FIND HIM==

Bea sniffed sadly.

"I'm sorry hun. I didn't know you'd be so sad. I thought it was normal. I was a bit cross he left."

==WELL OF COURSE. HE'S OUR SON.==

Bea pouted out her lower lip and blinked away more tears.

==I WANT MY BABY. I HAVEN'T EVEN HELD HIM.==

"He's probably nine meters tall."

==I'M AWARE.==

Bea dug through her robe. Somehow a phone was there. She dialed a few

==GINO? GINO? IT'S MAMA. I NEED YOU TO FIND YOUR BROTHER. NO, NOT ENZO. FRANKIE. YEAH, THE NEW ONE...GO GET HIM AND BRING HIM TO ME. WHERE AM I? I'M ON AN IMPERIAL CRUISER. LOOK FOR THE

ONE THAT THE WARP IS TRYING TO FLEE. JUST GET HERE OKAY? LOVE YOU.==

she flipped her phone shut with a sigh.

It was not long before there was a red flash of light, and two hulking Bloodthirsters filled the ship. Frank I recognized, but there was another, bigger and more frightening, holding Frank by the

arm, a snarl on his face.

"What is all this about?!" Frank yelled, shaking himself free from Gino's grasp.

"You made Mama cry, you idiot!" Gino shouted, smacking Frank across the head. "Don't you have any fucking manners?"

Frank growled and bared his teeth. The two of them began shoving each other. Gino was bigger, and his shoves pushed Frank much farther, but Frank wouldn't give up. I felt a bit of pride for my

scrappy son, though I realized he wasn't exactly of my stock.

==ENOUGH, YOU TWO. GINO, HE'S ONLY A BABY. HE DOESN'T KNOW.==

The shoving stopped. Gino retreated to one side with his head bowed. Shub Niggurath stood before them both, a little black shape in a vast sky of red, so tiny and yet so powerful. She reached up

and touched Frank's cheek, and pinched it.

==YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS.==

"T-Thanks, Mom," Frank said. "I'm sorry."

==IT'S OKAY. YOU ARE HERE NOW.==

She leaned up and kissed him tenderly on the cheek.

==YOU GOT MITTENS?==

He nodded.

==GOOD. GINO, KEEP AN EYE ON HIM UNTIL HE GETS HIS FEET ON THE GROUND.==

Gino sighed and rolled his eyes. "Come on Mom...We're Khornate. We can't go helping each other."

==I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE KHORNATE. YOU ARE STILL MY CHILDREN, OF THE LINE OF AZATHOTH HIMSELF. YOU LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.==

Gino grunted. "Alright, alright. I'll do what we can. We should probably go soon."

Bea gave them both a giant hug at the same time, with enough strength to force them to their knees.

==I LOVE YOU BOTH. CALL ME,

OKAY?==

"Goodbye son," I said.

Frank smiled and bowed. "See ya, Dad."

The two flashed away. Bea smiled happily.

==THERE. NOW THEY ARE ALL SET. LET'S GO SEE DADDY.==

With our son well situated, the daemonettes and their new husbands departed into the Warp.

We exited back into real space. The trip had been one day, but thousands of lightyears, even beyond what the Warp could normally do. We had arrived at our destination: the center of the

universe.

And it had to be the center, for it was where Azathoth was.

Chapter 9 - The Daemon Sultan

Azathoth was enormous.

His galactic form pulsed as his two lute players undulated alongside him, filling the aether with odd, hollow sounding tones as they danced in a wriggling display as disgusting as it was hypnotic.

To the right of the Daemon sultan was a spec, which grew larger as we approached. It was a white mansion set in a green lawn that floated in space, with a white picket fence surrounding it.

"Okay," Bea said in a calm voice. "I'm going to park along the road. Daddy has a thing about people parking in the driveway. You know how Dads are about parking."

"Y-your voice..." I said. "Where's the eldritch echo?"

"Everyone uses indoor voice around Daddy," Shub Niggurath said.

We exited the ship. There was a warm breeze, which was especially odd because we were in the cold vacuum of space.

"Should I be dead?" I asked, inhaling to find no air, but still somehow breathing.

"Eh," Bea said with a shrug. "Reality rarely pays attention around here. Daddy makes it throw up."

Our feet crunched on the stone of the walkway. We passed a ceramic Garden Gnome, its eyes gouged out and red paint dried in the sockets. A plastic flamingo lay sideways behind some bushes, its

head violently caved in.

I shuddered.

A Virgin Mary statue sat in another corner of the lawn.

Shub Niggurath shrugged.

"Mom and Dad are Catholic. Best not to mention my Mormonism, okay?"

"O-okay," I said absently.

She rang the doorbell. The chime was effervescent and cheery, but the moaning wind seemed aware of the joke, hinting at a laugh even in its mourning sound.

She stared at me and straightened my tie, then patted my shirt and smiled at me. I squeezed her hand.

"You'll do fine," she whispered. "And don't worry; I'll be with you."

"I love you Bea..." I whispered.

"I love you too, Anon..."

We kissed. I heard the latch of the deadbolt.

"I'm so excited! Oh, one more thing..." Bea said quickly as the door handle turned. "Daddy doesn't know he's Azathoth. If he ever figures out he is Azathoth, the universe will end, so don't say

anything."

"What?! Wait..."

The door opened and an astral figure appeared, a being which looked like the form of a woman, but as if the starry night sky were within. As she moved, the stars within her changed.

"Mommy!" Shub Niggurath shouted as she saw her mother.

"My little flesh cloud!" The astral woman said, arms outstretched.

They embraced, and shadow met goat girl, and forms changed, and for a moment I felt I might weep blood.

Behind the two were several servants, all asymmetrical aliens or squid-beings, atanding amidst the dark red and gold furnishings of

house. Compared to the outside, it appeared cavernous within.

One squid butler stood near the door, arms at his sides, his oval eyes half-lidded.

I glanced back at my goat girl and her mother, and their innocent embrace in their 'true' forms, and I realized I was going to collapse.

"Anon," Bea said, catching me as I went woozy and steadying me on my feet. "This is my mother, Darkness. Mommy...this is him!"

"Hi Anon!" Mother Darkness said, giving me a hug. Her hands were like vacuums of pitiless cold, and their touch was the theft of all light and joy. "I feel like I've known you for years. Bea's

raved about you."

"T-thank you ma'am," I said, reeling from her nightmarish embrace and polite words.

"Ma'am? Oh God, son..." She put a hand on my shoulder, and I forgot what sunlight as I suppressed a whimper. "Call me my Ladyship."

"O-okay. Thank you, my Ladyship."

Darkness giggled, putting a dark hand to her mouth. "You are cute. Bea's father used to get flustered too."

"Azathoth got flustered?" I asked.

The room went still. For a moment I saw horror on everyone's faces.

"Azathoth? Who or what is that?" Shub Niggurath said loudly.

"No such creature exists," the old squid butler said, his eyes darting.

"Punkin..." Mother Darkness said with a forced grin towards Bea. "Is he retarded?"

"He's just new to all this."

Darkness turned back to me. "Well, we operate without a net here sweetie. Don't. Fuck. Up. No name. Not that name ever. Okay? The universe will end."

I nodded vigorously. "He was just like me, you say?"

"Yep!" She said, changing her attitude totally as the others pretended nothing had ever been said. "Although he worked in imports as opposed to...sales."

"Do...do I say I work in sales?"

"He knows about your job. Be truthful as much as possible. Unless the truth would upset him. Then lie."

I felt sweat forming on my brow.

"Good. I see you understand how serious this is. Imagine doing it for 65 billion years. It's a hell of a rush, I'll tell you!" Mother Darkness said.

"Where is Daddy?" Bea asked.

"Upstairs napping," Mother Darkness said. "He'll be down soon, I'm sure."

A man emerged from the dining room. He was swarthy, skin like an arab's but unnaturally pale with dark eyes.

"This is Nyarlathotep," Shub Niggurath said.

The swarthy man put his arms behind his back, his eyes narrowed and his gaze piercing.

"A Human, Bea?" He said in perfect English.

"What? I like them. They're cute."

Nyarlathotep rolled his eyes.

"And I like deltibid Sand demons, but I wouldn't force the family to watch one eat."

"Oh don't be such an asshole," Bea said. "You've done your fair share of terrestrial booth calls."

"Again, I never brought any Human girls home," Nyarlathotep said gruffly. "He's gonna fuck up and end the universe."

"Shhh, here he comes," Mother Darkness said.

I heard a creak on the stairs, and a thud, and another creak, and another thud. And I saw Azathoth.

Azathoth was a man of average height, barrel chested, his hair a fading gray and wispy. He descended the stairs in a gold and red dressing gown, a pipe in his teeth which forced a kind of grin.

His eyes were normal, but none would dare call them Human. There was sheer madness in them, of a kind scarier than the vast formless mass writhing angrily outside.

This was the portion of Azathoth that was most awake. The world ender. The nightmare which sleeps. What being could behold him, and not run in terror, I thought.

"Daddyyy!" Shub Niggurath exclaimed happily.

"There's my little girl!" He said, outstretching his arms as he reached the bottom step.

She raced to him and leapt into his arms, and he hugged her with one arm easily, his other hand clasping his pipe securely.

"I'm so glad to see you punkin."

"I'm glad to be home! And here he is, Daddy," Bea said, running to take my arm, bouncing and giddy with her giant smile. "...my new fella!"

Azathoth looked down at where his daughter had been hugging him with forlonging, and then at her on my arm. The side of his mouth twitched. He approached me with a glint in his eye, and I

realized his smile had faded into a baring of teeth.

"Ah yes..." He said in an upbeat yet dismissive tone. "The call center boy. The sex worker pervertmonger."

"Now Daddy, it was an honest job," Bea chirped, hugging me.

"I left that job at your daughter's suggestion," I added.

"So you are unemployed?"

"A-at present, yes."

"Leaving a job without another lined up..." he said. "Not a very smart move."

Azathoth puffed his pipe. Bubbles floated out slowly from the end into the air.

"I uh, well...I have a few good leads," I stammered, watching the graceful little spheres drift upward and pop soundlessly.

"I see. Leads."

"There's more to a relationship than a job," Shub Niggurath said. "and Anon will come through. He's no couch potato."

"Oh he's busy, I hear," he turned back to me, and I nearly fell to my knees and begged for mercy beneath his unfathomable gaze. "I understand you took my daughter in an alley after kissing another

woman in public."

I turned crimson.

"Ah, well...you...you see..."

"I figured you for a sweet talker, at least," Azathoth said in his strangely upbeat tone. "To have gotten my daughter acting so giddy."

"He's a sweet guy, Daddy. You can make anybody sound bad if you just recite the facts in that 'Daddy' way you do."

"Well then it's up to this young man to make himself sound good," he stared at me with a studying expression. "So, hop to."

I glared about, uncertainly. The others, bastards that they were, stared off into space with thousand yard stares. All were in their own worlds except Bea, who stared at me adoringly, her tail

wagging as she doubtless perceived all of this going so well.

Azathoth glared at me, and I saw irritation there. "Well, hop to!"

I felt the sweat forming. I leapt a little in the air.

Azathoth laughed from his belly, harshly, and at my expense. Nyarlathotep laughed even louder, and I hated him.

"No, no, Public School,". Azathoth said. "Make yourself sound good."

"Oh! Yeah, um...I love your daughter very much. She's great. A little scary, very intense, but sweeter than candy," I said loudly.

Shub-Niggurath hugged my arm. "Isn't he great?"

"Well, you made my daughter sound good," Azathoth said with a warm smile. "Clearly you like her, and that shows good taste. And it would explain why you bent her over a dumpster in an alleyway."

"I didn't really force her or anything," I said. "We just...it happened."

"Oh, I know," he shook his head. "Nobody has time for hotel rooms anymore."

"You are being a bit unfair, darling," Darkness said. "We've done our fair share of non-hotel sex."

"The flight was in ten minutes,"Azathoth said, thoughtfully lighting his pipe. His bubble fluid, I realized.

A bell chimed.

"Dinner is served," the squid-butler announced.

"Ah, well then," Azathoth said, rubbing his hands on his jacket eagerly. "All this talk has made me famished. Let's all prepare to the dining room, everyone."

I took a deep breath, sorting my thoughts. The dining room might make it easier; if everyone was eating, I thought, then the focus would not be on me. And after all, Azathoth thought he was

Human, and trying to maintain that illusion would mean no weird foodstuffs.

Or so I hoped.

Chapter 10 - The Dinner

"How are you doing, sweetie?" Bea whispered, rubbing her hand on my back.

I nodded, but my mouth felt like cotton. "I'm fine. A little thirsty."

"I had them get water right from earth for you: the clear, blue waters of the Pacific Ocean."

"That's sweet hun," I began. "But you know..."

"...yes?" She asked, staring up at me with those big black eyes blinking, so full of sparkles.

I smiled and kissed her. "Thank you for that."

She beamed from ear to ear, bouncing up and down. It was worth a dry mouth to see her so happy.

The dining room was lined with dark wood on the floors and walls, dominated by a long wood table covered by a white cloth. The severed head of a squid-being hung above a massive stone fireplace,

its tentacles reaching out almost to the center of the room.

"Ah, I see you've met Hieronymous," Azathoth said, pulling up alongside me and pointing with his pipe at the squid-head. "People had hunted him for years, the legendary Cosmic Horror and terror of

three planets. I was the one who got the bastard though; hit him with a crossbow as he was getting out of his car."

I moved to respond, but there was a ringing at the door.

"Ah the Mossbergs are here," Mother Darkness said.

Two giant pale green creatures entered, giant paramecium which floated in the air. I swallowed, suppressing the strong urge to vomit at their translucent and pulsating forms

"EUEUUUUGUGH!" One of two parameciums screamed, inches from my face.

I scanned for Bea for help.

"That's Mr. Mossberg hun, he's saying it's nice to meet you," Bea said.

"N-nice to meet you, too," I said. I held out my hand.

"ARRRRGGHH?!" The paramecium screamed.

"It's an Earth custom, Dink old man," Azathoth said. "Hand shaking."

The paramecium's form opened into a dark void, and from it a Human hand, slick with mucus and blood like a newborn, issued forth and took my hand with a strong grip.

I rounded the table and sat next to Bea. She smiled at me and put her head on my shoulder.

I looked at the covered plates. There was no silverware, which seemed odd, but crystal goblets were at each station along with a napkin. I folded my napkin across my lap, aware it was monogrammed

with some eldritch rune.

"We're not having Alfredo are we?" I asked.

"No, no..." Mother Darkness said with a laugh as she sat down. She sat at one end and her husband at the other. "Boy did we all chuckle when Bea explained that one to us. We're having the

Calzoni today."

"I like calzones..." I said, thinking it odd to have a finger food in a formal dining room.

"Splendid," Mother Darkness said. "This is an old family recipe. I made them this morning. Gave them time to grow..."

"Grow?" I asked.

The servants removed the covers, and as the steam dissipated I saw my plate.

Four humanoid shapes were there, living dolls made of baked and browned dough. One was tied down to a small stone slab, writhing and struggling. His eyeless face was pockmarked with bubbling

tomato sauce, 'bruises' that I guessed were from a beating at the hands of the other three.

The others loomed over him, one with a giant knife and one with a great fork which they held each in two hands. A third wore a mask like a shaman, decorated with an angry face. He held a small

knife downward, his arms raised aloft.

I looked about, seeing similar scenes on the plates of the others.

"I-I thought we were having calzones," I said, my eyes fixed in at the tied baked-man frantically pulling on his bonds on the stone slab.

"We are," Mother Darkness said.

"No, he means a calzone. It's like a pocket of dough with sauce and cheese inside," Nyarlathotep said. "An inside-out pizza."

"So not imbued with the breath of life or anything?" Mother Darkness asked.

Nyarlathotep shook his head.

"These are the Calzoni," Shub Niggurath said to me. "They're a tribe of baked people. We're going to eat them."

"I uh...I don't..." I started.

"Now come now, you eat Chinese and Italian. Is this any different?"

"This is-this is one of those Alfredo things..." I said.

"Oh," Mother Darkness said. "Whoops! Well, we have some Peculiar eyes in the fridge..."

"No, no, this is fine," I said, reasoning this was as good as I'd get.

I stared at the plate for a moment. The Calzoni looked up at me expectantly with their eyeless faces. The chest of the tied down one rose and fell rapidly.

"You need to tell

The knife rose and fell. Tomato sauce and steam poured from the holes as the tied down baked man twitched and shuddered like a dying bug.

When the twitching stopped, the knife and fork men stepped forward. The fork-man thrust his fork into the leg of the baled corpse, and tomato sauce hissed out. The knife-man stepped forward and

ran his sharp blade along the leg, chopping it off and putting hot tomato sauce all over the floor.

The fork man pulled it away, string cheese stretching from the cut piece

As he walked towards me. He held the chunk of leg aloft towards my mouth.

I took it in my hand, looking down at the corpse and the cheese and sauce that oozed out. I put the baked leg in my mouth and bit down, the heat stinging my mouth a little.

The worst thing of all was how delicious it was. The tomato, the cheese, the crunch of the baked skin was like a mozarella stick fresher than I had ever had. And there was something else there,

something in it that was absolutely intoxicating...

"Good batch. You can really taste the fear," Azathoth said, naming the horrid ingredient. He suddenly snatched the shaman in his hands, and with a fluid motion bit his head of."

"Mwaaaaaah the terror..." He intoned, crunching on the mask and skull as his Calzoni fell to their knees, begging futilely for their lives.

I looked over at Bea. She had leaned down and was being fed morsels of baked man by her fork holder, and as she chewed happily she high-fived him with her finger.

She dabbed at the corner of her mouth with a napkin. She saw me watching her and smiled.

"Good, huh?" She said.

I nodded, as the other left made its way to my mouth.

I ate the rest of the 'sacrifice,' God help me. And I'll confess a good chunk of the priest fellow as well. Or maybe the whole of him. And a few pieces of the knife-man. The ingredients were

just so fresh...

"Don't feel you need to spare them or anything," Mother Darkness said. "They'll spoil in a day or so anyways."

After we had finished consuming the Calzoni, and the few survivors were taken away, curled in the fetal position and shuddering, Azathoth called for wine.

The squid servants emerged with long gold-colored servers, and poured the dark drink into our waiting goblets, falling with the sound of droplets and a faint hiss.

I sneaked a sip. The wine was thick, dark red and purple, almost black, and the taste was sweet and sugary, but there was a coppery taste in it as well.

Azathoth stood, his glass raised, and worked his way to standing between me and Bea.

"I'd like to make a small toast, if you'll all indulge me. I can honestly say..." Azathoth began in his happy, fatherly tone, clasping a hand on my shoulder. "That in the short time I've known

this young man...I've gro