BEETLE JUICE by Warren Skaaren From an original screenplay by Micheal McDowell based on a story by Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson SECOND DRAFT August 4, 1986 [NOTE: THE ORIGINAL PAPER COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS, WHICH HAVEN'T BEEN RETAINED FOR THIS FILE.] FADE IN: EXT. WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT - DAY A crisp and perfect New England town. Almost too neat to be real. No visible townspeople. CAMERA EXPLORES town. CAMERA FLIES OVER a rickety bridge -- PAST the Maitland Hardware and Appliance Store -- PAST the church -- the Historical Society -- UP OVER the graveyard on the hill and finally -- TO the Maitland house. The perfect Victorian house surveying the perfect village. Suddenly -- A giant daddy longlegs spider -- mounts the crest of hill beside the house, pauses to wave a spindly leg and then creeps menacingly on top of the Maitland house. ADAM (O.S.) Well, well, you're a big fella...! A hand -- as big as God's -- with a huge tweezer, gently reaches down out of the sky and lies, palm up, in the yard next to the house. Daddy longlegs climbs into it. The hand raises into the sky again. INT. ATTIC - NEW ANGLE - DAY Reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while the daddy longlegs and the hand are normal size. Above the model are a homely representation of moon, sun, and stars -- a whole, tiny mechanical universe to track the hours of the day. A large plat map of the city is prominent on the wall. The hand is ADAM MAITLAND's. In his late 30's, he's a solid easy-going citizen. Capra used to make movies about him. Adam's model town sprawls across most of the attic space. Windows on either end of the attic shed good light into the warm room. Adam very carefully lifts the spider out the open window. Smiles as he drops him lightly on the breeze. CAMERA TILTS UP FROM the window to see -- the real Winter River, laid out exactly as the model, at the foot of the hill. Adam breathes deeply and looks very pleased at the glorious town below him. ON his huge hand again -- as it reaches into model and tweezes a tiny sign into the tiny window of Maitland's Hardware Store on Main Street. It reads: ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND ARE ON VACATION! HOORAY! Adam leans down and eyes the sign. BARBARA (behind him) I'm ready! Adam turns to see entering: BARBARA MAITLAND, 35 -- a wholesome beauty who is mellowing well. She smiles at him. Perhaps a certain tinge of sadness about her, be- cause they don't have children. ADAM (happy to see her) She's ready. BARBARA (eyeing the model) Oh, Adam, the model looks so good. The Historical Society will love it. You've finished the streets? ADAM (nodding) Almost. She pushes a wrapped present across the table. BARBARA Happy vacation, honey! Adam smiles and gives her a present. He opens his present. A can of furniture oil. ADAM Manchurian Tung oil? Where did you get it? BARBARA Helen got it for me in Oslo. ADAM God... Manchurian Tung oil? There's enough to refinish the gateleg table and the cherry wardrobe! Barbara nods and unwraps her gift. Rolls of very expensive floral wallpaper. She cradles it like gold leaf. BARBARA Oh, Adam! It's Laura Ashley, isn't it? He nods. ADAM Enough to do the guest room. PHONE RINGS. They freeze, then grin. ADAM & BARBARA (unison) No one's home! BARBARA Oh, I love it. I can get the guest room done. ADAM Yeah, I want to get one coat on the wardrobe and then I'll help you. BARBARA Oh, honey, I'm so glad we're spending our vacation at home. ADAM (hugging her) God, how I have looked forward to this, honey. HONK HONK outside. They look at each other horrified. Peer out the window. BARBARA Oh no. ADAM (pointing at her) It's your turn, darling. She shakes her head with resignation and goes downstairs. KNOCKING on door from below. INT. KITCHEN - DAY A comfortable, slightly old-fashioned kitchen. Barbara enters with determination. HER POV A woman -- JANE BUTTERFIELD -- tall, gawky and aggressive peeks in the kitchen door. She's divorced three husbands and buried another for good measure. She's ruthless but is weirdly, seamlessly pleasant. She waves a legal-sized paper at them, starts to come inside. INT./EXT. KITCHEN DOOR Barbara makes dash for it and holds it just as Jane gets a foot in. Jane smiles wildly. JANE Hi, Barb! I'm glad I caught you. I heard you were on vacation! BARBARA That's right, Jane. Complete vacation. JANE Honey -- today I am three hundred fifty thousand dollars! BARBARA No! Jane, it is 6:45 in the morning! JANE Look at me, think of me as cash! This offer is really real! From a rich man in New York City who only saw a photograph! BARBARA Jane, don't send photographs of our house around the country! We're not interested in selling. JANE You could double the size of your hardware store! You'll be rich. BARBARA And live in what, our station wagon? JANE (frustrated) Barbara Maitland, sweetie, you just listen now. This house is too big. It really ought to be for a couple with a family. That hurts Barbara a little. She looks at Jane. JANE Oh, honey... I didn't mean anything ... it's just too big for you two. I know these things. BARBARA (shutting door) 'Bye, Jane, I'll see you in church in a couple weeks. Jane compulsively affixes her business card, face inside. in the windowpane. Barbara pulls the shade down. Shakes her head and walks to the roll of wallpaper. BARBARA (to herself) Some people... INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY CAMERA FOLLOWS Adam DOWN stairs -- PAST photos of himself and Barbara, old photos of the early days of Winter River. Pictures and momentoes of a satisfied life in hardware. We see the master bedroom, sewing room, guest rooms, bathrooms, the rambling, old-fashioned quality to the house. Clean, sentimental, warm and floral. Some rooms in progress. Adam is humming happily looking for paintbrushes in the ground-floor storeroom. He spies a CASSETTE DECK and looks through a stack of cassettes and plays one. It is an old INKSPOTS LOVE SONG. INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY Barbara is starting to paper the walls already. She frowns at the MUSIC. Goes to the door. BARBARA Oh, honey. You said no Ink Spots on this vacation! It CLICKS OFF. She goes back into the room. INT. STOREROOM - DAY Adam puts away the tape but keeps on humming the song. He needs more light. He opens the shutters on a small window. He jumps back, frightened by Jane's huge face grinning at him from outside. JANE Maybe I am three-eighty-five if you carry a second lien! (desperate) I can arrange the most creative financing in the six states of New England. ADAM No, Jane. JANE You'll be rich! ADAM (still trying to be polite) We're rich in what really matters. JANE Adam my booyy! When you're really rich in what matters... (shaking the contract) ... nothing matters! My buyer has just made a killing in condos in the Village. And he's got a little stress problem... (taps her head) ... so his wife says they want the old peace and quiet! ADAM So do I, Jane. I'm on vacation. JANE Does that mean you'd consider it in two weeks? You don't have to answer now. He wants me to check the deed restriction anyway. You take your vacation, Adam. Say 'bye! He shakes his head. She puts business card in the window. JANE Come see me. You know where to find me. Jane exits jauntily, flapping her contract down the lawn. Squirrels scatter. A bird dives at her. She swings the contract at it angrily. JANE Get away you little monster. ADAM (after her) I will never sell this house. I'll be buried in my yard next to Barbara. Holding hands! (looking for brush) And a good paintbrush! He rummages for a brush. Can't find it. ADAM (calling to distant Barbara) Honey, come with me down to the store? I need a good brush for this Tung oil and I want to pick up a piece of the model. Let's go early before anyone sees us. INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY Barbara has already papered a few rolls in the guest room. BARBARA Okay, but let's hurry back. You just run in okay? EXT. HOUSE - DAY The Victorian house from the model "in the flesh." Adam stands by the station wagon. On the bumper of the car is a sticker reading: WARNING: I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS. Barbara gets in driver's side. They drive off. INT. CAR - DAY Adam dusts the inside of the dashboard. Clean. Clean. ADAM You know... September is the best month of the year. Leaves turning, kids are back in school... Barbara looks a little wistful about her lack of children. BARBARA Jane said we should sell the house to someone with a family. ADAM Ah, the ever-tactful Jane. (putting his hand on her shoulder) Let's just relax about having children. EXT. RIVER AND BRIDGE AND HILL - DAY We see the car coming down the hill toward the bridge. ADAM (V.O.) We should be flattered that she wants to sell our house. BARBARA (V.O.) I know... I just wish she'd leave us alone. ADAM (V.O.) Let's not think about it. We'll have a nice romantic, quiet, vacation. Here comes the bridge chorus. Car reaches the rickety bridge. CAR SHAKES, bobbing up and down on every plank. TIGHT ON BARBARA AND ADAM (They've done this routine before). They sing an old Johnny Mathis song. With a lot of vibrato. TOGETHER Chances are... When I wear a foolish grin... They laugh. EXT. DOWNTOWN WINTER RIVER - DAY Just like the model, but real. And populated. CAMERA PAUSES ON a gorgeous storefront with a brass lion out front. Sign above doors says: BOZMAN BUILDING 1835 An old man polishes the lion as Maitlands drive by and wave. BARBARA (V.O.) Wave at the lion. ADAM (V.O.) Don't forget the balls, Ernie. BARBARA (V.O.) (embarrassed) Adam! Ernie looks around to see no one's looking and polishes the balls of the lion. CAMERA spies a jaunty dog, like Benji, peeing on the opposite corner of the lion. Maitlands drive by store with sign: JANE BUTTERFIELD ANTIQUES REAL ESTATE TRAVEL INT. ANTIQUE STORE-REAL ESTATE OFFICE-TRAVEL AGENCY - DAY The store is bursting with antiques of all sorts, travel brochures, photographs of houses for sale, and a serve- yourself Xerox machine. LITTLE JANE, her 8-year-old daughter is drudgingly making copies. Jane, phone in hand, rushes to the window to watch Maitlands drive by. Almost popping the cord when it reaches its end. She's waiting for the other party to pick up. JANE (after Maitlands) How can you be Republicans and not understand real estate? (changing attitude; all sweet) Y... ello. Mrs. Deetz? Well the condition is what we country folk call, fixin'... Yes, I think they are fixin' to accept another offer. Don't scream at me , Mrs. Deetz. Well maybe if you offer 390,000 they'll take it. EXT. MAITLAND HARDWARE - DAY Adam sprints up the steps of his lovely hardware store. OLD BILL, a slightly-addled ancient barber, is napping in a chair in front of his shop, next door to Adam's. Adam fumbles with the lock, not interested in conversa- tion. He drops his keys, waking Old Bill. OLD BILL 'Morning, Adam. You need a haircut before your vacation? ADAM No thanks, Bill. OLD BILL How's the model coming? ADAM Good, Bill -- Good. Bill turns around and continues prattling even though Adam has entered. Bill prattles throughout. OLD BILL Y'know, I was thinkin'... you said Bozman built the foundation in 1835 but y'know his grandson come in here last week and said he found a bottle with an 1836 stamp in it plastered in the foundation. (suddenly dis- gusted at the memory) He's got hair down to his goddamned shoulders... INT. MAITLAND HARDWARE Adam pulls down a few good paintbrushes and carefully picks up a small model of the Bozman building. He walks out. Old Bill continues unabated. OLD BILL He said 'Just give me a trim...' I took a scissors to him so fast ... would've skimmed him clean if he hadn't... Adam strides by quickly to the car. ADAM See you, Bill. OLD BILL Right. INT. JANE'S OFFICE - DAY JANE (on phone) Well, Mrs. Deetz, I am doing my best. What? Oh the Maitlands are fine country people. What make car do they drive? She runs to the window again almost popping cord. EXT. MAITLAND'S CAR - DAY The Maitlands drive their 1984 Volvo station wagon toward their house. JANE (V.O.) They drive an old beat-up red Chevrolet pickup. ON JANE JANE Yes, that's right, they don't know the value of their land. Not if they take this offer of yours they don't. I'll be in touch. (fingering her business card) Come see me, you know where I... (cut short by Mrs. Deetz's hang-up) ... am. EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE - DAY Car approaches. INT. CAR - DAY Five brushes sit on the seat next to Adam. He cradles small replica of the Bozman building, complete with brass lion. BARBARA Adam, your Bozman Building is a beauty. ADAM Yeah it turned out okay. We applied for a National Historical plaque for it. That'll be the third one on Main Street. BARBARA You're doing it, Adam. You're saving this town. ADAM (grinning proudly) Slow down there, honey... I don't want the vibration to weaken the model. BARBARA (nervous) Oh... I'm sorry... Barbara starts to apply the brakes. Just before the bridge the dog waddles out in the road. Stops to pee. Barbara swerves. As the car hits the rickety bridge, the speed is just a bit too much. BOARDS RATTLE and loosen, the car skews and catches in an open slot, careens to the right, then the left and SMASHES through the side RAILS. It hovers on the edge of the bridge. INT. CAR - DAY A piling has smashed through the window on the passenger side, crushing the upper part of Barbara's arm. She is wailing in pain and fright. Adam attempts to maneuver the car onto the bridge again. Adam tries to help Barbara. He tries to get out of the car. None of this succeeds. EXT. BRIDGE AND RIVER - DAY The dog finishes, looks over at the car, walks across the bridge and steps on the one board which holds the car aloft. The car rocks back and forth for a moment, and then slides forward toward the water. EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE The car plunges into the rushing water. It floats for a moment, and then sinks like a stone. UNDERWATER - DAY The car floats downward with panic-stricken Adam and Barbara inside. For a moment, we hear their SCREAMS, then as the car fills up with water, the screams are cut off. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Quiet, still, expectant. There is a fire laid in the hearth. Suddenly and for no apparent reason it ignites and burns with a furious cheerfulness. Barbara and Adam enter, dazed, wet, and bedraggled. BARBARA Something like this always happens when we try to go on vacation. Always . Adam leads her toward the fire. ADAM You'll feel better when you're dry. He holds out his hands to be warmed. Barbara comes up beside him. All this time she's been holding her injured arm with the other hand. BARBARA This fire wasn't burning when we left the house. ADAM How's your arm? BARBARA I'm not sure. It feels... frozen. She holds her arms out to warm them. One hand catches on fire. BARBARA'S LEFT ARM They stare at it dumbfoundedly before Adam regains his senses and snatches it out of the fire. Two of the fingers are burning like candles, and Barbara industriously blows them out. BARBARA Oh, Adam. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (FEW MINUTES LATER) They are sitting on the couch together. Barbara is looking away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is drawing blood -- while Adam looks at her fingers. He frowns. He looks at his skin. It is pale. He looks at Barbara. ADAM You'd better sit down, hon. BARBARA I am sitting. ADAM I'll tell you what, Barbara. I don't think we survived that crash. BARBARA (pause) Oh, Adam. We're home. In our own house. Nonsense. I'll make some coffee. You get some more firewood. Adam gets up, a little absently, she follows him as he wanders to the front door. He peers out. ADAM Let's take things extra slow. Do you remember how we got back up here? Barbara tests her hand, clenches and unclenches her fist. BARBARA I'm fine. My arm works fine. Adam, exploring, opens the door, steps out on the front porch. EXT. FRONT PORCH - TWILIGHT Adam's face is painted with color of sunset. He stands atop the steps leading down to the front yard. Barbara stands just inside the open threshold, looking out worriedly. BARBARA (quiet sarcasm) The end of a perfect day. Adam starts to step down to the yard. ADAM Honey, I'm gonna go down to the bridge and retrace our steps. He steps off the last step into the yard and promptly disappears. BARBARA Adam! EXT. GREAT VOID Adam is nowhere. There's no ground, no sky, nothing to stand on or hold onto or give boundaries or distance. Just vast nothing. Not white and not colored either. Noise of a CLOCK TICKING. Adam looks about, surprised, doesn't like what he doesn't see. He turns around to head back up the steps. There are no steps. ADAM Barbara? His VOICE ECHOES STRANGELY. He runs off a little in the distance, and calls again from over there. ADAM (quietly) Where are you? He goes even farther away. FOREGROUND - ENORMOUS GEARED WHEEL -- The size of a man -- rolls by, tearing up the unseamed ground. Something pours up out of the tear -- ooze or stuffing. Adam runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is now out of sight. TWO SMALLER GEARS looking very much like components of a giant watch -- spin along behind him. One of them veers suddenly toward him, and though Adam jumps out of the way, the gear snags his trouser leg and shreds it. LOUD TICKING. A perfectly enormous gear comes barreling toward him. Adam leaps out of its way. The gear turns, fish-tailing, kicking up ooze and stuffing. Adam flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips into the path of the gear. As he's about to be crushed, he's suddenly jerked up to safety. EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT It's Barbara who's grabbed him, and quite evidently saved his -- not life, perhaps -- but existence. He's shaken, breathless. Barbara stares at him, as if wondering what he's just been through. ADAM (weakly) You saved my -- uh -- life... or whatever... something. BARBARA Two hours. ADAM What? BARBARA That's how long you were gone. ADAM (pondering that) ... Hmmm? INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Barbara leads Adam into the house. ADAM Anything happen while I was away? BARBARA Yes it did. Yes it did. I made a couple of small discoveries. Here's one. She stands by the mirror over the hearth mantle. On the mantle is Barbara's prize collection of porcelain horses. Adam comes to stand beside her. They look into the mirror, and there is no reflection of them. Barbara picks up one of the horses, and trots it through the air. The horse is imaged in the mirror. BARBARA There's that, and there's this. She picks up an ancient, leather-bound book. It's yellow and worn, about the size of the Boy Scout manual. CLOSEUP - BOOK Its title is: Handbook For The Recently Deceased . BACK TO SCENE ADAM (reading) Handbook for the recently diseased. BARBARA De ceased . I don't know where it came from. ADAM Look at the publisher. (as he does) Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press. They look at each other as it sinks in to Barbara. BARBARA (finally admitting it) I don't think we survived the crash. ADAM This is going to take some time. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Adam is already in bed, reading from the handbook. Barbara is getting ready for bed -- going through a ritual of sorts that they practiced every night of their married lives. BARBARA I don't like situations like this. I hate it when I'm not in control. So just tell me the basics. ADAM This book isn't arranged that way. What do you want to know? BARBARA There are a thousand things... Why did you disappear when you walked off the front porch? Is this a punishment? Are we halfway to heaven or are we halfway to hell? And how long is this going to last ? ADAM I don't see anything about 'Rewards and Punishments' or 'Heaven and Hell.' (frustrated) This book reads like stereo instructions! Listen to this... 'Geographical and Temporal Perimeters... Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.' This is going to take some time. Barbara paces, she trips on her wallpaper rolls. Kicks them. BARBARA I knew I'd never finish the guest room. Adam, we just can't stay in here forever! They look at each other, the question hangs in the air. Can't they? Adam stands and walks to the window. ADAM (thoughtfully) Maybe we should set up a normal routine. She looks at him like he's nuts. ADAM I mean, let's try to nail down something in our lives. A regular schedule. We can keep track of time and go on with our projects up here in the attic. She shakes her head, exasperated. Flops down on the bed. BARBARA Oh, God, maybe this is all just a bad dream. TIGHT ON ADAM A somber look comes across his face. ADAM I'm afraid not, honey. Barbara looks up at him, questioningly. BARBARA Why? What's wrong? Adam? She stands and joins him at the window. THEIR POV THROUGH WINDOW In the distance we see an automobile funeral procession threading its way toward the nearby cemetery. Headlights are on. We recognize Jane's car in the line. REVERSE ON BARBARA AND ADAM Sober faces. TIGHTER ON PROCESSION It arrives at the gravesite. We see some familiar faces, Ernie, and Old Bill the Barber. Jane and Little Jane watch as two identical coffins are carried together, to two open graves. ON BARBARA AND ADAM She drops her head sadly on his shoulder. He leans his face slightly into hers. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. ATTIC - DAY Adam is setting up a small monument in the model town cemetery. It reads: ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND / UNITED IN LIFE / UNDIVIDED IN DEATH. ADAM I wish I could see the cemetery from up here, I don't know which area is the best placement for us. Barbara, trying to clean, lets out a frustrated yelp! She paces. ADAM Cabin fever, hon? BARBARA I can't clean anything. The vacuum is out in the garage. I can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? Where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me? ADAM Maybe this is heaven. BARBARA (looking at the dusty walls) In heaven there wouldn't be dust on the wallpaper. ADAM Hon... I didn't want to die, but really, this is fine with me. As long as I never have to wash dishes again. BARBARA Dishes? We haven't eaten in three weeks! Adam, I'm not like you, I really need to be around people , get out to the church and go grocery shopping. ADAM But I'm not hungry, are you? Barbara shakes her head and picks up the handbook, and pages through it desperately. BARBARA I keep having this feeling that something has got to happen. CAR DOOR SLAMS outside. Adam and Barbara look at one another. Run to window. EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY Jane Butterfield is staring up at the old house. INT. ATTIC - DAY Adam, from his angle, can just barely see her. ADAM God, it's Jane Butterfield! BARBARA What's she doing here? ADAM I don't know. (shouting) Jane, Jane, up here ! EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY Unhearing, Jane heads for car. Sound of WIND UP. Blows her dress. Little Jane straggles along with her like an apprentice. INT. ATTIC - DAY Barbara watches Adam, and shakes her head. He stops. BARBARA She can't see you, right? (as Adam nods) In the book, Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead. ADAM Won't? Or can't? BARBARA Just says 'won't.' Wait a minute. Here it says 'the living are arrogant... they think they'll never die, so they refuse to see the dead.' ADAM Arrogant. That's Jane Butterfield all right... BARBARA (sighs and nods) At least we won't have to worry about her. Adam pats her on the head, smiles and goes to his model. ADAM Keep studying the book. Breathe deeply, relax. It doesn't seem to me we have to worry about much of anything, hon. She smiles, finally a little contented. Returns to the book. BARBARA I guess... if I'm going to be dead, I'll just have to be the best dead person ever! ADAM That's my girl! EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY Jane drives away. CAMERA HINGES to see a For Sale sign. Across it -- another smaller banner. It reads: SOLD! CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING The Maitlands are asleep. CAMERA EXPLORES the room a bit. It is getting slightly tatty. Adam rolls over, pulling the covers off Barbara. We see: ON BARBARA She is hovering off the side of the bed. An OMINOUS RUMBLE -- -- like a 4.0 earthquake, shakes the house. GLASS RATTLES, the ceramic horses on the mantlepiece jump around. Barbara falls to the floor. They look at one another with horror. They leap up and run downstairs. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY The RUMBLE BUILDS to a climax, there is a LOUD METALLIC SQUEAL, and then a CRASH... just as Barbara and Adam arrive. MOVING VAN RAMP SMASHES open the front DOOR and CRASHES down into the foyer. TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC-BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH slides smoothly down the ramp. On the couch sits DELIA DEETZ. Delia is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashionable, relentlessly thin -- a totally self-assured Joan Rivers. DELIA Get it right, you people ! And I don't pay overtime! She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut Barbara and Adam's house and remake it in her own very upscale image. Delia's gaze is on the living room, but she looks through Adam and Barbara as if they weren't even there (which to her eyes they're not). The COUCH CRASHES into the base of the staircase, SMASHING the NEWELL POST and several of the BALUSTERS. Barbara cringes. One of the balusters falls at Delia's side. She grasps it like a scepter. Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp. MOVING MAN #1 Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz. DELIA Don't worry. It was going anyway. Staggered by Delia's grand entrance, Barbara looks toward Adam, but he has disappeared. Flustered, Barbara glances around the room, shakes herself experimentally, then with a look of surprise on her face that it works -- disappears herself. Still holding the baluster, Delia gets up off the couch and moves into the living room, surveying it with an odd mixture of ambition, contempt, and resolution. Behind her, the two Moving Men bring in a matching blue leather armchair. In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ. Lydia, age 14, is a pretty girl, but wan, pale and overly-dramatic, dressed as she is in her favorite color, black leather. She's a combination of a little death rocker and an 80's version of Edward Gorey's little girls. She has a couple of expensive cameras around her neck and is already taking photographs of the Moving Men. Lydia is cool, Lydia is sullen, Lydia is her father's daughter by his first marriage. Lydia is usually about half-pissed off. But underneath... we like her a lot. The Moving Men still hold up the chair, waiting for Delia to decide where she wants it. DELIA Jesus. Who lived here? The Waltons? TIGHT ON LYDIA Calmly surveys the house. LYDIA You hate it? I love it. Delia signals wearily that the Moving Men can put the chair down anywhere. DELIA Get all this other crap out of here. Lydia hops down out of the chair, and comes farther into the living room. DELIA Where is your father?... Probably in the kitchen. That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through the swinging door, and across the dining room. He's holding a butcher knife in one hand, and a massive meat cleaver in the other. Charles is not exactly the equivalent of his wife, being at heart a basically pleasant man. But pleasant isn't "in" this year, so Charles does his best to be offhanded and brittle. CHARLES The noise in that kitchen. Noisy refrigerator, noisy faucets... We'll have to replace it all. I want no humming in the house. Lydia exploring on her own, gazes around the living room with growing pleasure, she backs up for a good angle to photograph. CAMERA HINGES -- She is standing with her back right up to Barbara -- who is horrified at this creature. LYDIA (to herself) A real house. Barbara looks closely at Lydia's hair and thinks "Yecchh!" Charles enters. CHARLES What do you think, honey? LYDIA Delia hates it. Lydia gazes at a dusty maze of spider webs. LYDIA I could live here. A movement makes Lydia turn around and scream. It is Delia. Not Barbara. DELIA Settle down, Lydia. I wonder where we are going to get counseling for you out here. A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the Deetz family's attention to the front windows. OTHO (O.S.) Help! Oh help ! Wedged in the window frame is a massive body. The short, stubby legs, dressed in the world's largest pair of Georgia Armani slacks, protrude into the living room, waving frantically. Expensive Italian loafers are kicked off the feet revealing a pair of expensive patterned socks. By their feet shall ye know them. DELIA It's Otho ! CHARLES Otho, why didn't you just come in the door? Otho's voice comes as if from a great distance. OTHO (O.S.) It's bad luck. And I believe hugely in luck. LYDIA Hold your breath and we'll pull. The entire Deetz family at last pulls Otho into the living room. All this while the Moving Men are variously carting out the handsome old furniture and bringing in the hideous new furniture. Otho is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and faggoty. But he's not all fat and fun -- this customer carries nasty emotional weight as well. As Otho is pulled through the window he is holding onto the curtains for support. And when he is at last all the way through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly gives a tremendous yank. The whole drapery apparatus, including valences, crashes to the floor. OTHO That was the single most unattractive window treatment I have ever seen in the entire of my existence. DELIA (starry eyed) I'm so glad you could leave the city to consult me, Otho. Otho is looking around the room with an eye of quiet horror. OTHO Yes, of course you are. Well, Otho had an intuition. Call it a hunch -- that it was going to be a fabled monstrosity of a house. And it certainly is. Charles, you're lucky the Yuppies are buying condos, so you can afford what I'm going to have to do to this place. We are talking from the ground ups'ville ! CHARLES That's fine, Otho. Just keep me out of it. I am here to relax and clip coupons. And goddamnit, I mean to do it. During this speech, Otho has been surreptitiously posing for Lydia's camera. She clicks the shutter. OTHO (ignoring her) Is the rest of the house as bad as this? DELIA The rest of the house is probably worse. When can you and I get started? OTHO No time like the present, as my wicked stepmother used to say. Unexpectedly, Otho sweeps Barbara's entire collection of CERAMIC and PORCELAIN HORSES from the mantlepiece. They all CRASH to the hearth, except for one, which Lydia manages to catch. LYDIA Otho, that's terrible. OTHO My sentiments exactly. Porcelain is for teeth! He takes the sale remaining porcelain horse out of Lydia's hand and flings it into the fireplace. Lydia is sad. Then, out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgia Armani jacket, Otho takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind the graffiti artists use -- and shakes them as if they were castanets. They certainly sound like it. OTHO Delia, let's get this show on the road. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic, Barbara and Adam are slumped against opposite walls. BARBARA Adam, we are in hell. I hate these people. ADAM They make gypsies look good. BARBARA Is this a punishment for something we did in life? What can we do? ADAM I don't know if there's anything we can do. BARBARA (determined) We're not completely helpless. I've been reading the book. There's a word for people in our predicament, honey. Adam looks at her. BARBARA Ghosts ! Adam is shocked at the reality. Otho and Delia come up the stairs at the end of the hallway. OTHO We're dealing with negative entertainment potential here. I mean, there's absolutely no organic walking flow-through. Otho looks down the hallway. It's empty. Adam and Barbara are no longer there. DELIA What's wrong? OTHO I thought I saw something. DeLia turns and spray-paints on the wall -- in luminous orange -- the word MAUVE. DELIA Okay? OTHO (screaming with delight) You read my mind ! I love clients who can read my mind. I don't think people realize how strong a connection there is between interior decoration and the supernatural. DELIA (fawning) I know ... I read your book, The Haunted Tapestries of the Waldorf . OTHO Gooood! Delia opens the door and they step inside another room. DELIA This will be Lydia's room. INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - DAY It's not Lydia's room yet, of course, because it still has the Maitlands' furniture in it. Barbara had partly wallpapered it before the accident. Her tools are still there. DELIA What do you think? OTHO Viridian? DELIA Viridian? What is...? Otho spray-paints the word "viridian" on the wall -- plus the word "blue green" -- and "Cr2 03," right over a picture of Adam and Barbara as kids. OTHO Blue-green! Hydrated chromic oxide! Remember I'm schooled in chemistry. I was a hair analyst! Briefly. Interior design is a science , Delia! Think of me as Doctor Otho. (looking at wall) And this patient is truly sick ! DELIA Of course, her favorite color! How beautiful ! Otho stares straight into her eyes. OTHO 'I' will tell you what is beautiful. Delia smiles. Behind Delia and Otho, the room's CLOSET DOOR swings slowly open with and OMINOUS CREAK. Delia and Otho turn that way, with a suggestion of dread. Inside the closet, Barbara's corpse is suspended from the ceiling by a belt. The CORPSE twists with a CREAK, and Barbara grins ghostly and slowly tears off her face, leaving nothing but muscle and bone beneath. Her eye- balls dangle on her cheeks. Delia and Otho stare aghast. DELIA Oh my God ! OTHO I know ! We just have to pray that the other closets are bigger than this one. He walks over. Looks inside. OTHO Were these people dwarfes? (sic) (spies something) Oooo !... Look! He finds, neatly hung in plastic, the Maitlands' wedding outfits. Totally captivated by this powerful image, he peers through the plastic at them. Holding each up to Delia. Barbara watches wide-eyed at them. OTHO Ozzie... (holding up her dress) ... and... Harriet! What happened to these people? Delia SLAMS the DOOR in Barbara's contorted face. DELIA They died. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME Delia and Otho come out of Lydia's bedroom. Look around. Delia opens a door on the opposite side of the hallway -- Adam and Barbara's old room. They enter. INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S OLD ROOM - DAY The room looks like Barbara and Adam left it just a few hours ago. Delia and Otho poke around. OTHO Yes, but how did they die? Delia has gone over to the bathroom door, and pushed it wide open. But before she goes in, she stops a moment to think. DELIA I think... they drowned. Behind Delia, in the bathroom, the old-fashioned bathtub suddenly overflows with vile water. Adam's face-up bloated corpse bobs to the surface. His dead, drowned stare is ghastly. OTHO Argh ! Look at this water. Mosquito central. This will be overtime, Delia. He rolls his sleeve and reaches down into the water, past Adam, who looks at him puzzled. Otho pulls the plug on the drain. Water swirls out. Delia stares downward directly at the corpse, then she points at the floor. DELIA Otho, I can not live with these cheap domestic floor tiles. OTHO Be brave! Otho take care! Onward! The bathroom is now empty. No water, no drowned corpse. Otho sneezes. Shivers a bit. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME Otho and Delia come out of the master bedroom suite. OTHO Is there much more of this torture? DELIA That's Charles' study. But you don't have to even look in there. He'll love whatever you do to it. He's such a sheep. OTHO Oh, as long as we're here... Otho reaches out and turns the knob. The door swings ominously open on: CHARLES'S STUDY This had been Adam's reading and birdwatching study. Bird posters on the wall, books everywhere. Straight out of Better Homes and Gardens 1963. There is one slight difference however because on the rag rug in the middle of the floor lies Adam's headless corpse. Standing over him, holding in one hand a long knife and in the other Adam's blood-and-gore dripping head is Barbara -- with a maniacal look on her face. Shrieking silently. OTHO Ooo. Deliver me from L.L. Bean! Inside the room, the eyes of Adam's severed head open and look up at Barbara -- she stops screaming. ADAM'S HEAD They don't see us. They can't hear us. Outside, Delia is shaking her head. DELIA The woman who lived here had the aesthetic instincts of Betty Crocker. BARBARA I'm going to get her. DELIA I cannot convey to you the extent to which this house bores me. OTHO 'I' will tell you what is boring. (looking around scientifically) Once you cover up the wallpaper, knock down a few walls, alter the traffic patterns, and -- perhaps -- only perhaps -- think about an inground pool -- the place might just be livable. What's on the third floor? DELIA Attic space. OTHO Let's see. We could turn that into a media room. They head up the stars to the attic. INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - SAME TIME Adam's head has a look of terror on it. ADAM'S HEAD Oh, God. I forgot to lock the attic door! Adam's headless body jumps up off the floor and rushes out of the room. INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - SAME TIME Otho and Delia climbing. The headless corpse careens past them, around the bend in the stairs and out of sight. OTHO Did you feel something? Delia shakes her head. OTHO I felt a cool wind. The expression on Otho's face suggests he knows more than he's telling. INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR - SAME TIME The headless corpse rushes through the open door into the attic. INT. ATTIC - SAME TIME The headless corpse SLAMS the DOOR SHUT, turns the key in the lock. Then he slumps against the locked door in an exaggerated stance of relief. INT. ATTIC LANDING - SAME TIME Delia tries the knob. The door is locked. OTHO You don't have a key? DELIA Maybe Charles does. OTHO I have a feeling there's some very interesting space behind this door. DELIA (sarcastic) Probably the world's largest Reader's Digest collection! C'mon, let's have some chablis, Otho, I'm laid bare by this experience. Entirely bare. INT. GUEST BEDROOM - SAME TIME Barbara still holding Adam's head. ADAM'S HEAD Whew! That was close. BARBARA I cannot witness this. Barbara distractedly puts Adam's head on a bookshelf. His headless body fumbles with the books and finally reattaches the head. INT. GUEST BEDROOM - DAY Adam turns away from the window. Barbara, still with her face unattached, is fuming. She's trying unsuccessfully, to rip apart the handbook. BARBARA What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people to death? She explodes and flings the handbook at the mirror. ADAM Oh, honey, we may need that. BARBARA No, I'm not putting up with this. She storms out of the room. INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Barbara storms in, as if straight from the room upstairs. She heads straight for the back door. Just as she opens the door, Adam rushes up. ADAM Barbara, honey! Don't go out there. You don't know -- BARBARA Whatever it is it can't be worse than this. She flings open the door and steps outside. She promptly disappears. ADAM Barbara! EXT. SURFACE OF SATURN'S MOON TITAN - DAY Barbara plunges into the dusty surface of Titan with an enormous Saturn looming in the sky. She looks around with wonder and some fear. A sulfur volcano erupts in the distance. A METEOR CRASHES with a lurid EXPLOSION. As from a great distance she hears Adam's voice. Like thunder. ADAM Barbara! She turns slowly in the yellow dense sand that covers the surface of this distant moon. BARBARA'S POV Adam is trudging towards her. Behind him, hovering isolated in the air, is the kitchen door. BACK TO SCENE Adam at last catches up with her. Surveys around them. BARBARA Oh, Adam. Find somebody. I'm getting all yellow. Do something! Behind them, something is burrowing rapidly toward them through the sand. The something could be right out of Dune . Barbara and Adam stare for a moment, then Adam grabs her and pulls her toward the kitchen door. But the kitchen door has moved, so they veer in the new direction. The something follows them and rises out of the sand. ON SOMETHING It is a very big, very nasty, and very hungry snapping SANDWORM. It ROARS and lunges at them. Barbara, slightly angered at it, instinctively bats at it. The sandworm is momentarily stunned at Barbara's audacity. It freezes and shakes its loathesome head. Barbara bats at it again. Adam is wide-eyed, tries to pull her away. The SANDWORM recovers and ROARS after them. Adam grabs Barbara and tries to escape, but they slip and sink in the sand. They make it to the door just in time, swing it open and hurl themselves through. The DOOR SHUTS with a BANG just in front of the ROARING SANDWORM. The SANDWORM rears and ROARS in frustration, HOWLING to the ringed planet. INT. KITCHEN Barbara weeping, throws herself in Adam's arms. BARBARA Oh, Adam, don't ever leave me alone. ADAM You left me. BARBARA I know. I'm sorry. She hugs him tight. BARBARA I just realized that I could have been killed alone. Don't ever leave me, honey. Both contemplate that horror. BARBARA We're trapped in this house forever... with those... people. ADAM You can't say that for sure. It could be a transitional thing. Like a post-life crisis. We just have to be tougher with them. Come on. Have some brandy. Spirits, get it? BARBARA (a tentative smile) Death didn't improve your sense of humor. They head for the dining room. INT. DINING ROOM Adam has his arms around Barbara's shoulder. They walk in the door and stumble upon the Deetzes at their dinner. Lydia's back is to them. Barbara and Adam back out of the room but stop to listen. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT The Deetzes around the dining room table. There are candles and good china laid out -- but they're eating out of Chinese take-out boxes. DELIA I can't believe that we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here? Hunan? CHARLES There's only one Chinese restaurant in town, darling, the owners are Irish and Irish people happen to cook Cantonese. They don't know better. LYDIA I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food. DELIA This is our first meal in this house, Lydia. Why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one? CHARLES Lydia, relax. We'll build you a darkroom in the basement. LYDIA (dramatically) My whole life is a darkroom! One ... big... dark... room. Delia rolls her eyes and nods. She's been through this before. DELIA Nonsense... you'll go to school, get a bike, maybe have an ant farm. Maybe meet a farm boy. Delia laughs. Charles smiles. LYDIA (doleful) Yeah, maybe if he's nice, he'll let me hang myself from a rope in his barn. CHARLES Lydia, we're the first trickle! In a couple of years this whole town will be filled with people like us. DELIA We'll be the art center of summer New York. I'll teach those phony gallery creeps to refuse my sculpture. And when Otho and I get through with this house, you people are not going to recognize it. LYDIA (dramatically) I say let's keep it the way it is. Charles and Delia stare at her simultaneously, unbelieving. LYDIA I do. I really like it. I mean, it's already sort of like somebody's home, isn't it? Their couch is comfortable and doesn't stick to your legs. It smells like a real home, not a French whorehouse. There is a pause, as if the family were considering this whole business in a new light. Then the moment and the light fade. DELIA Lydia, at your age, you are so young . (back to business) Charles, we need to call that awful Jane Butterfield tomorrow and get the key to the attic door. Can't you find a way to hold back some of her commission? CHARLES We're going to have a lot to do tomorrow... The Goodwill truck is coming, and whatever is up there in that attic goes away with it. Should have it fumigated too. I saw a fly today. Lydia looks at them with a mixture of sadness and anger. OUTSIDE DOOR - ON STAIRS Listening, sit Barbara and Adam. A tear rolls down her face. INT. ATTIC - DAY Adam and Barbara are lying down on the floor, peering out of one of the small windows overlooking the front yard of the house. The handbook open in front of them. EXT. FRONT YARD - ADAM AND BARBARA'S POV - DAY The entire front yard is alive with workmen and their vehicles. Plumbers, electricians, cable TV men, etc. Goodwill truck arrives. MOS Charles directs the Goodwill men to a pile of the Maitlands' furniture. They grab one of Barbara's prized antique tables and fling it up into the truck. In the road in front of the house are several cars of rubbernecking locals, astonished by all the activity. The city has come to town. INT. ATTIC - DAY Adam and Barbara just look at one another as if to say "we're next!" Adam leafs through the handbook furiously. BARBARA Look in the index... maybe there's, like an emergency number or something. ADAM Not really... what's this? Adam pulls from the book an ancient, yellowed, crumbling handbill. He carefully opens it. ON HANDBILL Very primitive, crude, red printing. ADAM (V.O.) (reading) Trouble with the living? House full of pesky, arrogant live people? If you got the dough... I make 'em go! Betelgeuse the Bio Buster . Betelegeuse... Betelgeuse... Betel ... The remainder of the sheet is torn off. ON BARBARA fingering the torn edge. Looking in the book for the remainder. No luck. BARBARA That's it? No number, or instructions? ADAM Nothing. The bio buster? I don't get it... A THUNDERING CRASH shakes the house. They both scurry to the window to see what has happened below. EXT. FRONT AND SIDE YARDS - DAY CAMERA FOLLOWS ACTION -- small vignettes. Charles flails his arms at a dimwitted crane operator who is unsuccessfully trying to get a 2500 pound Vulcan range through a formerly too small kitchen window. Now a gaping hole in the wall. Moving men watch and then continue to move in the Deetz's modern, expensive, and ugly furniture. They collide with Goodwill men coming out with the Maitlands' lovely antiques and personal possessions. Delia shreiks periodically at some fine art movers who are struggling under her horrid modern welded steel sculptures. Lydia snaps photos of the mayhem. She stops to scan the whole house. LYDIA'S POV When her gaze reaches to top of the house, she suddenly glimpses Barbara and Adam's faces in the window. BACK TO SCENE Lydia blinks hard. Her mouth drops open. She looks all around -- as if she'd just seen a ghost or two. Jane Butterfield's car pulls up and Jane gets out. Little Jane sits in the front seat, burdened with an enormous stack of collated and stapled copies. Jane waves to Charles but he doesn't see her and walks away. She walks in his direction. Lydia catches sight of Jane and runs over, squeezing be- tween two vans. Little Jane locks her door, in fear of Lydia -- the strange. Lydia stares at her. LITTLE JANE Are you a boy or a girl? LYDIA I only speak to vertebrates. Where's your old lady? Jane comes up. JANE Well there's a Little Deetz at least. Boy, when you city people do something, you do it right, don't you? LYDIA What happened to the people who used to live here? LITTLE JANE (ratty little voice) They drowned! JANE Yes, they were my best friends in all the world. I was devastated. (beat) Here, darling. Jane hands a key to Lydia. LYDIA (impressed) Is this the key to the attic? JANE That's a skeleton key. It'll open any door in that house. Will you give it to your father? (handing her a business card) And you might mention that I single-handedly decorated the house. In case he needs advice in that area. Come see me. Jane goes away. After a few steps, she looks back. JANE Are we going to be seeing you at Miss Shannon's Boarding School? LYDIA Yes, but I'm going to live at home. JANE Remind me to talk to your mother about the dress code. (walking off) I'm sure you're going to be very happy there. LITTLE JANE (sarcastically) You bet! We love new kids. Jane drives off. Little Jane stares back with her grubby little grin. Lydia's face sobers as she looks up at the now empty attic window. DELIA (O.S.) Help! Get off me! Lydia drops the skeleton key into her pocket surreptitiously. She follows Delia's SHRIEKING. EXT. HOUSE - DAY Lydia rounds the corner to see Delia, pinned flat against the house by one of her horrid steel sculptures. Two movers are struggling to free her. Lydia snaps a quick photograph. They finally free Delia. She clutches at her head, just short of tearing her hair out. DELIA You jerks ! That is my art, and it is dangerous ! You think I want to die like that? (seeing Lydia) Lydia. Moving is a family affair. So buckle down now and go get Mommy some drugs. LYDIA Any particular kind? DELIA Joke! Joke! Aspirin! It doesn't matter what brand. Lydia walks off toward the house. INT. ATTIC - DAY Barbara is half-hiding on the edge of the window. BARBARA That little girl saw us. ADAM She couldn't have. We can't make them see us. BARBARA But she saw us. I could feel it. ADAM (pause, thinking that over) That's all we need. Lydia goes off towards the house. Looks up at the window again. No one there. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY Lydia looks up the stairs at the attic landing. She's a little scared. She decides to go up the dark stairs. INT. HALL At the end of the hall stands Charles, directing men who are carrying books into the room that will be his study. Charles sees her. CHARLES Where is your mother? LYDIA (very quick decisive delivery) Stepmother. (back to regular speech) She's out torturing the movers. CHARLES Lydia. Try to be civil. I'm going to see if I can set up a noise-free zone in the study. He continues on. A BLAST of STEAM -- -- fills the hallway, because workmen are already going at the wallpaper. Lydia emerges from it. Looking up at stairway to attic. Mounting courage. INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - DAY Lydia creeps upward, taking the skeleton key from her pocket. She stops momentarily when she hears her father's voice somewhere behind her. CHARLES (O.S.) Lydia! Lydia! Then, when that voice is covered by OTHER SOUNDS of the MOVING, she continues upward. FLOORBOARDS SQUEAK. INT. ATTIC - DAY Adam works on his model. He hears the SQUEAK, looks up confidently. ADAM (whispering) Don't worry. I've locked it. INT. ATTIC LANDING Lydia quietly inserts the key in the lock of the attic door. She turns it. The key is stiff. She turns harder. It's stuck. Lydia tries the door -- it's no go. She turns the key again. This time it goes all the way around. INT. ATTIC - DAY Barbara and Adam, surprised by the key, look at each other, carefully, very quietly, stand up and tiptoe toward door. Suddenly -- on the screen of an old TV set in the corner of the attic, a ghostly image POPS ON. ON TV A bizarre smallish fellow, outfitted in a too-big cowboy hat, bad wig, and over-sized sunglasses appears on screen singing very quickly. (It's a heavily disguised Betelgeuse.) Behind him the camera quickly pans an assortment of tomb- stones a la Cal Worthington. BETELGEUSE (singing) Have the living got you down? Betelgeuse ! Are they jacking you around? Betelgeuse ! Have you broken out in hives 'cause you're tired of their jive? I will drive them from your hive... Betelgeuse ! Camera tilts down a flashing tombstone with "BETELGEUSE" written on it. ADAM rushes over to shut it off. He can't find a plug. He looks around behind set... no workings inside at all. He peers around to the screen. It is blank. Suddenly Betelgeuse POPS ON AGAIN. BETELGEUSE Say it once... Betelgeuse Say it twice... Betelgeuse. The third time's a charm... Betelgeuse! Come on down ! He POPS OFF. Adam and Barbara stare at each other. INT. LANDING - DAY Lydia listens. Did she hear something? She puts her hand on the knob and tries to turn it. It's stuck. Then the key eerily pops out of the lock and falls on floor. Charles' head suddenly appears behind her. Scares her. CHARLES What are you doing? INT. ATTIC Adam is holding on tight to the knob of the door. With her knitting needle, Barbara has poked the key out. The two stand absolutely still, listening, terrified of the living intruders. INT. ATTIC LANDING - LYDIA AND CHARLES LYDIA I was just trying to open the door. Mrs. Butterfield brought over a skeleton key. CHARLES Let me have it. INT. ATTIC - DAY Barbara and Adam tighten. ON LANDING LYDIA But it doesn't work. She hands her father the key. He looks at it and throws it in the corner. CHARLES Skeleton keys never work. Anyway, this can wait. We'll get a crowbar later. Your mother... LYDIA (very quick decisive delivery) Stepmother. CHARLES ... asked you for something, didn't she? I'm going down to relax. I want a noise-free zone. Do you understand? Noise free. He goes down the stairs. LYDIA Dad? He continues. CHARLES (irritated, over his shoulder) What? LYDIA I'm lonely. A BLAST of STEAM from below drowns out her words. Charles stops and turns around. The blast stops. CHARLES What? EXT. YARD AND BARN Delia comes out of the barn, tearing her hair. She screams up at the house. DELIA Where are my drugs? TIGHT ON LYDIA She is resolved. LYDIA Nothing. Charles continues. She begins to follow slowly. ON KEY Behind Lydia, Adam rushes out the door, grabs the key and rushes back in again. Lydia hears something but doesn't see. INT. ATTIC Barbara and Adam have moved away from the door. ADAM There's nothing we can do. It's just a matter of time before they unlock this room. There goes my model. There goes our last refuge. BARBARA We're not going to wait here like cornered animals. I can tell you that. We need help. I'm going to talk to that little girl. ADAM What about this Beetle guy? BARBARA We don't know who he is... (thinking) ... I'm going to talk to that little girl. ADAM Are you crazy? She can't hear you. BARBARA I don't know... what are you looking up? ADAM (looking through the handbook) We need some help. I found something this morning. Here. Emergencies. (reads) 'In case of emergency, draw door.' BARBARA Draw door? I don't know why we keep looking in that stupid book. Adam takes a piece of chalk and draws a little door on the exposed brick of the chimney. BARBARA You don't actually think this is going to work? Adam draws a doorknob. Then he tries to turn it. The door, perhaps to his surprise, fails to open. BARBARA Yet another triumph for Adam and Barbara in the afterlife. ADAM Wait. He looks at book, then writes on the door: KNOCK AND ENTER. He exchanges a glance with Barbara. She's even more skeptical than before. Turns away in disgust. Adam knocks on the door, and turns the knob. Nothing. She is more disgusted. Adam goes back to the book. ADAM Aha ! Knock three times. He knocks three times. Turns knob. The chalked door swings magnificently open. Behind is an eerie light source, SOARING MUSIC, maybe even a heavenly choir singing pear-shaped syllables. Barbara and Adam look at one another again. They hold hands and step tentatively through. Their figures are lost in the blinding light. They start to shut door after them. ON ATTIC LANDING Lydia is staring at the light pouring from under the attic door. It suddenly goes out. ON LYDIA She is dumbfounded. She listens. INT. ATTIC - DAY Deserted silence. Just the chalkmarked door. ON LANDING Lydia speeds down the steps. INT. CHARLES' STUDY - DAY Charles, fiercely intent on relaxing, paces like a catfish out of water. Ralph Lauren in K-mart. He stretches. He sits uneasily in an easy chair, tries like hell to get comfortable. Finally, he puts a book under his bottom to get sitting straight. Looks around tapping his fingers. What to do? Looks at watch. He takes down a book from Adam's library, it is an Audubon book of birds. He whips through it like it's the comics and then looks around for more. He finds the Illustrated Walden by Thoreau. He speed reads it. He is now really bored. Goes to the fireplace, tries to light it. Cannot do it. Goes to desk and writes. OTHO-INSTALL GAS FIRE LOGS IN STUDY. He studies bird posters. Finds beautiful cardinal picture. Takes field glasses and looks out window. HIS POV Spies big ugly-looking ratty bird. ON CHARLES Horrified. Wrinkles his nose. Lydia enters. He jumps. CHARLES Jesus Christ! Lydia is shocked. CHARLES Darling, can't you see I'm relaxing in here! LYDIA Well I just wanted to tell you what I saw. CHARLES Lydia. What the hell is the point of my moving up here if you people won't let me relax? Go help your mother. Charles returns to field glasses, spies something. She looks at him in frustration. LYDIA (on her way out) Fine. Maybe you can relax in a haunted house. But I can't. She exits. Charles peers after her, brow furrowed. Looks out again at the village. Uses his field glasses to get a better look. HIS POV It is the Bozman Building. Ernie is out front polishing the brass lion. ON CHARLES He thinks. Moves the field glasses to punctuate his discovery of the building. (His eyes never leave field glasses throughout the following.) CHARLES Nice building... Bad paint. Good lines... bad roof. Good parking... hmmm??? That really registers with him. Without looking he dials a familiar number on the phone with one hand, lifts the receiver. He clacks his teeth together purposefully. SECRETARY (V.O.) Botco International. CHARLES Yes, I'd like to speak with Maxie Dean. SECRETARY (V.O.) He's not in right now. CHARLES Well tell him that Charles Deetz called. He hangs up and continues to spy on Bozman Building. Clacks his teeth. CHARLES My God what I could do with that parking. DISSOLVE TO: TIGHT - BARBARA AND ADAM Very still, they look cautiously to the right and left -- just with their eyes. They're astounded by what they see, though we don't yet see it. ADAM ... Not what I expected when we walked through that door. BARBARA No. But it's somewhere without big worms. CAMERA DRAWS BACK and we find that Adam and Barbara are in: INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY The most unpleasant waiting room that you ever remember waiting in. Fifties furniture with broken legs, couches propped up on telephone books. Standing ashtrays with dirty sand. Linoleum floors patched a hundred times. National Geographics with the covers torn off. The "Take a number" registers in the millions. As the CAMERA COMPLETES A CIRCLE of the room, we see a RECEPTIONIST. She's the quintessential 50's receptionist -- tight sweater, bullet-breasted bra, bleached hair, red lipstick. She's wearing a ribbon across her breast reading "MISS ARGENTINA" and there are knife slashes across both wrists. RECEPTIONIST You don't have an appointment, do you? ADAM W... We didn't know how to make one. BARBARA An appointment for what? RECEPTIONIST What do you want? BARBARA We need some help. RECEPTIONIST Already? You just bit the big one nine months ago and you want help? ADAM Nine months? What difference does that make? RECEPTIONIST (shrugging) Good luck. You're going to use up all your help vouchers. ADAM Help vouchers? RECEPTIONIST D-90's. You spend a hundred and twenty-five years on earth, actually, in that house, during which you get only three class- one D-90 intercessions with Juno. You probably haven't even read through the manual completely yet. BARBARA Why three? The Receptionist holds up both hands, each of which have only three fingers on them. RECEPTIONIST Rule Number Three. Everything comes in threes. You'll have to wait if you don't have an appointment. BARBARA How long do we have to wait? ADAM Wait for who? RECEPTIONIST For Juno, your caseworker. Not that it matters to your type. But there are all these other people here ahead of you. I'd say three hours. The waiting room is now filled with people. Dead people, some in fairly awful states. A cornucopia of carnal shreddage. Adam and Barbara look around for a moment, then very quietly, they reach out to grasp hands. RECEPTIONIST Number 54 million, six hundred one. Ferndock. CAMERA PUSHES IN CLOSE. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ATTIC LANDING - DAY Lydia kneels down with a screwdriver, a nail file, an ice pick, and a credit card. She inserts nail file into the door. She struggles, and after several attempts -- finally uses the ice pick and POP! The door swings open ominously. INT. ATTIC - DAY Lydia enters. The room is dim, and filled with dust motes. There are shadows in all the corners. She bumps into a switch which engages the model sun and moon and that eerily illuminates the model town. She's frightened, then entranced. She peers at it from different angles, her fear for- gotten. She notes small tools scattered around an un- finished area. She continues around the model, oblivious to everything else. Then... A LOUD CRASH -- She whirls around, barely stifling a scream. It was only a pushbroom that she knocked from its hook on the wall. Recovering, she kicks something. Ducks under the table and comes up with something, holds it up to the light. It's the handbook. She looks through it. Finds the marked page... looks at the chalk door. INT. OFFICE - DAY Barbara and Adam are still holding hands, as if they hadn't moved. Like waiting for an IRS audit. BARBARA (to Adam) Is this what happens when you die? The Receptionist overhears. She points at Barbara. RECEPTIONIST This is what happens when YOU die! (points to another corpse) That is what happens when HE dies. That is what happens when THEY die. It's highly personal. And I'll tell you something... if I knew then what I know now... I wouldn't have had my little 'accident'! She holds up her wrists and smiling at her little joke, wriggles them indicating her slashes. OTHER CORPSES (all together) Amen ! Barbara and Adam look at them. Corpses resume doing what they were doing. A GRINDING NOISE O.S. -- the Receptionist looks up. Barbara and Adam also look O.S. THEIR POV A message delivery WIRE GRINDS along LOUDLY on a pulley. The actual message is held in the hand of THE MESSENGER, a flattened corpse, suspended as if a shirt on a clothes- line, tire marks on his face and clothing. A major roadkill. Dust and gravel ground into him. BACK TO SCENE He smiles wanly at Barbara and Adam as the Receptionist takes a message on a piece of paper and reads it. RECEPTIONIST Maitland, party of two! Take your handbook and go to the sixth door. Barbara and Adam upset at the loss of their handbook... BARBARA We forgot our handbook. CUT TO: INT. ATTIC - DAY Lydia is studying the handbook with intense interest. CHARLES (O.S.) (from distant downstairs) Lydia, Delia needs your help! Lydia gives one more look at the book, and then goes to the door quickly and silently. CHARLES (O.S.) Right now, Delia says! INT. OFFICE - DAY RECEPTIONIST (shaking her head in disgust) Out that way, through the typing pool, down the corridor, sixth door on your left. Sixth door. Two threes. (shaking her head) Airhead. Adam and Barbara walk through a door. INT. TYPING POOL - DAY A vast room of desks arranged in a grid, straight out of How To Succeed In Business ... Each desk is occupied, too, but most of the secretaries are merely skeletons, or mouldering corpses slumped over their typewriters. Only one secretary, somewhere in the vast grid, is typing slowly, with long pauses between words. The Messenger on his return trip, parallels Barbara and Adam as they walk along. Barbara can't look at him. MESSENGER How do I look? There're no mirrors on this side. ADAM (trying to be pleasant) Fine, you look fine. MESSENGER Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat. He goes back through the very very narrow slot in the wall where the line runs. Adam and Barbara look to the right and left. A vast stack of files slips off a desk and spills out onto the floor. Barbara and Adam enter corridor. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Empty, like a hotel corridor, but all the doors are of different types -- a revolving door, a dutch door, church doors. They walk past a waist-high window, covered by a roll-up shade. BARBARA A hundred twenty-five years! I can't believe it. I can't believe they didn't tell us. She bumps into the SHADE and it rolls up FLAPPING. She stares in through the window. Adam peers in, too. THEIR POV A smouldering, mist-filled room. From the smoky plasma floats an occasional tortured soul. Unspeakably SAD MUSIC wafts from within. They get only a glimpse of the bodies in this horrible human soup. BACK TO SCENE BARBARA Adam, look at this. Suddenly, floating up from below, immediately on the other side of the window, a white-crepe face emerges. It seems to be that of a woman, her eyes are red and blue tears rim them. Her pale skin is covered with a flaking crust of salt. She wears the saddest look ever. Her mouth opens plaintively but no sound comes. BARBARA Oh, Adam... what is this? A reflection joins them on their side of the window. A SINISTER LITTLE JANITOR -- wizened and efficient, pulls the shade down firmly. SINISTER MAN That's the lost souls room. A room for ghosts who have been exorcised. Poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook. Keep moving. The man scuttles off. Adam and Barbara walk on sadly, until they come to a door that looks exactly like the swinging door between the kitchen and dining room of their house. ADAM This is it... the sixth door. Puzzled -- Barbara pushes it. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Everything is dark, quiet -- but the furniture is obvi- ously not theirs, and neither is the decoration. Adam and Barbara exchange glances, and push on through into the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Quiet, dark. Everyone's asleep. ADAM My God, we're back where we started. BARBARA Look at this, everything is different down here. All our furniture is gone. ADAM How long do you suppose we were waiting? JUNO Three months. A spot comes on, revealing JUNO -- their case worker. She's an older woman, no nonsense about her. Overdressed in an outfit that includes a blouse with ruffled cuffs. We will at some point catch a glimpse of her slashed throat -- She smokes heavily. Occasionaly smoke puffs from her cut throat. JUNO I'd nearly given up on you. I was about to leave. I do have other clients. BARBARA Are you Juno, our case worker? JUNO Yes. I evaluate individual cases and determine if help is needed, deserved, and available. BARBARA We need help. We deserve help. ADAM Are you available? JUNO No. (beat) What's wrong? BARBARA We're very unhappy. JUNO What do you expect? You're dead. ADAM We'd like some help in getting rid of the people who moved in here. Barbara and I worked very hard on this house. BARBARA We probably wouldn't mind sharing the house with people who were -- JUNO -- Like you used to be? BARBARA Yes. ADAM But these people -- He indicates a particularly bad piece of Delia's sculpture. Juno walks around it shaking her head. The following conversation takes place as Barbara and Adam follow Juno as she looks around the house and ends up in their attic space. They walk through doors, survey the Deetzes on the way. JUNO Hell is other people. You obviously don't read much. Besides things seem pretty quiet here. You should thank God you didn't die in Italy. (checking the file) The Deetzes. Okay. Have you been studying the manual? ADAM We tried. JUNO The Intermediate Interface chapter on Haunting says it all. Get 'em out yourself. It's your house. Haunted houses don't come easy. BARBARA We don't quite get it. Juno's WATCH BUZZES, she stops it. JUNO I heard. (refers to her file) Tore your face right off! Bad news. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you. ADAM We have to start simpler, is that it? JUNO Start simply. Do what you know. Use your talents. Practice. We only help those who help themselves. Just do a little at a time. And of course, practice, practice, practice. It's tricky but -- you weren't murderers by any chance, were you? BARBARA No. JUNO Pity. Murderers seem to have an easy time of it. Just look at Amityville. (reminiscing) He was one of my boys. Didn't have to give that one any lessons. From day one... But I must be off ... I've got a planeload of football players crashed in the midwest... they need a lot of help, just with the basics. Points at her head indicating dumbness. BARBARA If... we have trouble. What about the guy in the flyer? Betelge... JUNO (quickly interrupting her) No. You don't want his help. Adam and Barbara look at each other. Puzzled. ADAM & BARBARA Well... We might... INT. ATTIC - NIGHT Juno peers into the model cemetery with interest. A FLY BUZZES around her. Juno blows it away. Fly flees. JUNO No, you don't! He does not work well with others. BARBARA What do you mean? What's he do? JUNO He's a freelance bio-exorcist. Claims to get rid of the living. But he's a troublemaker. He's pushy. He's been sleazing around that cemetery for 500 years. BARBARA Our cemetery? JUNO Yeah. (looking around) He still tries popping up all over the place. But he can't join the party unless you call on him. (stronger) Get the Deetzes out by yourselves! I gotta go. She sucks on cigarette and smoke billows out the hole in her throat. Juno starts to fade. BARBARA (persistently) But what if we do need this Betelgeuse? Juno fades. JUNO (angrily) Don't say his name ! Just practice. Do it yourself ! ADAM And if we need you again, how do we...? He turns around but Juno is gone. Barbara goes to the model, looks at the cemetery. BARBARA That guy is in our cemetery. Oh, Adam. ADAM (holds her shoulders, calms her) Look, she's right. We'll just start simple, honey, be tougher. I feel... confident. C'mon. They exit. CAMERA FOLLOWS action -- OVER the model -- the FLY BUZZES. It lands and crawls along into the model of the cemetery. CLOSEUP - FLY Now large scale, crawls past gravestones marked Johnson, Burton, Olson, and Lee, finally to a crooked gravestone overgrown with ivy. The Fly, resplendently green and iridescent, pauses and fiddles with its hairy parts. Starts to walk by. VOICE (O.S.) Pssstt! Over here! Fly stops. Tilts its multi-eyed head. ANOTHER ANGLE Two hands come up from the earth of that grave. White gloves holding a golden, dripping comb of honey. VOICE (O.S.) I can't use this. You should have it. Flies get so little respect anymore. The flattered Fly walks over to the grave. In a flash -- the hands grab the struggling Fly and dance it like a doll over the grave and then pull it into the earth. FLY Buzzz! (turns into) Hellp me ! Hellp me ! A MANIACAL LAUGH grows from the grave. WIND BLOWS as the Fly disappears. Ivy whips away from the gravestone. We see, for the first time, the chiseled name: BETELGEUSE CLAP of THUNDER. INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT Charles is on the phone. He has drawings laid out in front of him. He is at his most urban persuasive. CHARLES Maxie, have I not always made you money? I think that is the only real question here. INT. MAXIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT New York office, cool design, black couch, and MAXIE DEAN, a 55-year-old, super tan, white-haired wheeler dealer. Sign says: CHAIRMAN OF BOTCO INDUSTRIES. Maxie looks rich and he looks cool as he talks to Charles. Behind him -- Sarah, his rich-looking blonde wife, is looking at herself in a mirror. MAXIE Well, Charles -- no one has made me money like you. Until your nerves went, you were a demon. It is just that... Winter River, Connecticut is, you'll forgive me -- no fucking where. Why would I invest that kind of money to buy an old building way the hell up there? INTERCUT conversation. CHARLES Not a building ! That's the beauty of it. I think I can buy the whole town . These people don't know the value of their property! MAXIE Then we own a whole town full of nowhere. CHARLES No, no, c'mon, Max, you know me. I've got plans. You gotta come up here and see, then I'll tell you about it. Maxie isn't much interested. MAXIE Well, sure, Charles, but I am busy here... you know how it was when you were active. This burns Charles. But he swallows it. He hears something in the corridor outside -- a kind of LOW MOANING. CHARLES (into telephone) Just a minute, Maxie. Somebody... MAXIE No listen... we'll talk about this visiting later, I gotta go, I gotta meeting on the Japanese joint venture. CHARLES (torn between the moaning and Maxie) Great idea, Maxie! Those Japanese could run it for us. Build them a dormitory in the woods. Listen, think right about it, will you? We've almost got the house ready, you bring Sarah with you and I'll show you. MAXIE Yeah yeah, we'll think on it. 'Bye ya, Charles. You relax up there, ya hear? Maxie hangs up. Shakes his head. MAXIE Putz! Winter River? My ass. INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT Charles hangs up frustrated. MOANING INCREASES. He goes to the door and flings it open. A figure is right there in the doorway -- A ghost under a sheet. But a "designer" sheet. He flails away like a banshee. Eyeholes cut in sheets, Charles jumps -- recovers. CHARLES Oh, Jesus, Lydia! Is Connecticut so boring that you have to think up shit like this? ON BARBARA She stands back away from the door observing skeptically. CHARLES I had Maxie Dean on the phone! Darling, Dad's found a way to make some money here while I relax, so scram! He slams the door, turns around. Then turns around again, and jerks the door open. The ghost is retreat- ing, beaten. CHARLES And your mother is going to kill you when she sees that you cut holes in her $300 sheets. You provoke her, you know. I mean she can be an unreasonable bitch. But you do provoke her. He slams the door again. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT Adam helps Barbara on with her sheet. BARBARA God, this is so corny. Have we been reduced to this? Sheets? ADAM Think of them as death shrouds. And the moaning is important. Really moan ! (imitating Juno) Practice, practice, practice. INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT TELEVISION still going, Delia asleep with curlers. Adam and Barbara glide inside, go over and stand beside the bed. ADAM Deep breath... and... INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - NIGHT She has her ever-present camera around her neck. Sud- denly hears MOANS from her parents' room. Thinking it is sexual. She cringes. Covers her ears. LYDIA Gross! How can he stand that woman? (louder) Hey, cut it out! I'm a child! For God sakes! The NOISE gets weirder. Lydia gets interested. INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Adam and Barbara moan and groan. Delia doesn't stir. BARBARA I feel really stupid. ADAM It's not stupid. We're ghosts. Do you want this woman for breakfast for 125 years? Moan louder! Barbara moans louder and more weirdly. Delia stirs, sits up, but doesn't open her eyes. Adam and Barbara are excited then... disappointed as Delia fumbles on the bedside table for the remote control device, and without opening her eyes, turns OFF the TELEVISION set. Then she turns over, and is lost to the world totally. Barbara sighs. She and Adam walk toward the door. When they open it, however, Lydia is standing there in her pajamas -- she snaps a FLASH Polaroid -- and Adam and Barbara jump backwards with yelps of fright. LYDIA Sick! Sexual perversion! Total gross-out. If you're going to do weird sexual stuff you ought to stay in your bedroom, okay? You want me to be more twisted than I am? It's so embarrassing. Lydia starts back into her room. Then looks at the developing photograph. Something catches her eye. ON PHOTOGRAPH Sheets suspended above the floor. No feet. LYDIA yelps with fear. LYDIA Holy cow! No feet ! She screams. Adam and Barbara scream. Lydia rushes back toward them, starts FLASHING pictures. Adam and Barbara run around and are pushed into a corner. Polaroids fly everywhere. Lydia runs out of film. She stares at them, panting with fear. A standoff. LYDIA A... Are you the guys who're hiding out in the attic? ADAM (fake terror voice) We're ghosts. Barbara moans. LYDIA (skeptical, cautious) W... What do you look like under there? Adam and Barbara pull shut bedroom door, go out into the hall -- as if to keep from waking Delia with their conversation. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT All three stare at each other tentatively. ADAM Aren't you scared? LYDIA I'm not scared of Ralph Lauren. Those are sheets . Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus? ADAM What? LYDIA Night of the Living Dead ? It's this gross movie. BARBARA (pulling off the sheet) If I had seen a ghost at your age, I would have been frightened out of my wits. LYDIA You're not gross. Why were you wearing a sheet? BARBARA We're practicing. ADAM You can actually see us? Without the sheets? LYDIA Is this like a trick question? BARBARA Tell the truth. LYDIA (offended) I always tell the truth. Of course I can see you. ADAM Nobody else can. LYDIA I'm wearing contacts... Also I read through Handbook for the Recently Deceased . It says that live people ignore the strange and unusual... not me... I am strange and unusual. BARBARA (tenderly) You look like a regular little girl to me. Lydia blushes. Barbara smiles warmly. She is beginning to like Lydia. ADAM You read our book? Could you follow it? Lydia nods her head. LYDIA Why are you creeping around Delia's bedroom? ADAM We were trying to scare your mother. LYDIA Stepmother. I'm very sensitive about being related to reptiles. Barbara smiles. LYDIA You can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight. (defiantly) I stole the key to your attic, you know. Adam and Barbara look at each other. BARBARA Maybe we better talk. INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT Adam's rigged up the moon, and stars, too. Adam and Barbara and Lydia stand just beyond the fringes of the town, dimly lighted giants. LYDIA You did this? You carved all these little figures and houses and things? ADAM (pleased) I certainly did. I'd finish it too, but... I don't get out much. LYDIA And this used to be your house, I bet. Why do you want to scare everybody? ADAM We want to frighten you away. (a little embarrassed) So that you'll move out. LYDIA You don't know the Deetzes very well, do you? My father bought this place. He never walks away from equity. Why don't you leave? BARBARA We can't. We haven't left the house since the funeral. LYDIA Funeral. God, you guys really are dead ! (fascinated) What was it like? The funeral. Did you cry? ADAM We weren't there. The handbook says funerals aren't for the dead. LYDIA God, if this is true this is like, amazing! I kinda like it up here. Can I visit you sometimes? BARBARA Well, I don't know... We don't get many visitors. ADAM Where are your skulls and bones? BARBARA (looking at her pajamas) You know you're really a pretty girl. Lydia flushes. LYDIA (defensive) I don't wear that stuff to bed . Besides, there's nothing wrong with it. I'm getting out of here. BARBARA Wait... I don't think it would be a very good idea if you told your parents that we're up here. ADAM Unless you think it would scare them off. Lydia hurumphs ! Starts to exit. ADAM You tell them that we are desperate horrible ghoulish creatures who will stop at nothing to get back our house. LYDIA (looks him up and down) Wait a minute. I had some licorice ice cream earlier. You guys could be gas. What if... I'm dreaming. Can you do any neat tricks to prove you're not gas? Barbara shakes her head, a little ashamed. LYDIA Well, if you are real ghosts you better get another routine, those sheets suck! She sneaks a smile at Barbara and exits. EXT. HOUSE - DAY A big ugly machine is doing something unnecessary to the yard. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Shadowed. Potentially filled with terror as are all basements in horror movies. CAMERA MOVES OVER TO a little shed-like room in the corner. Noise of FAST- TICKING CLOCK. INT. DARKROOM - DAY The FAST-TICKING CLOCK is a timer. Lydia is making Polaroid enlargements. She's quick and expert at this. She's examining a print with a magnifying glass. INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY Delia shrieks. Going through the dirty clothes, she's just come across the sheets with the eye holes cut in them. DELIA Lydia! Lydia! My hands are shredded from doing the laundry, and now I have to deal with your vandalism! INT. DARKROOM - DAY A photograph coming up in the developing tank -- the ghosts in the hallway. LYDIA (hearing a commotion from Delia) Oh my God... the sheets! INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY Lydia, pounding up from the basement with the wet print, collides with Delia, rushing down from the second floor with the scissored sheets. DELIA Lydia, honest to God, I'm going to kill you. I'm having a party tonight. I'm cooking, I can't get servants. Do I need angst? No, I certainly do not! Lydia speeds by her. DELIA You owe me three-hundred bucks, Lydia! Don't go running to your father, you worm. INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY Lydia rushes in. Charles is working furiously on a word processor, amidst an array of maps and plans. LYDIA Dad. Do you believe me? CHARLES Yes. Except when you creep around in your mother's -- LYDIA Stepmother's... CHARLES ... sheets. LYDIA Well this is... I mean, this is the weirdest -- CHARLES Lydia, I don't know what it is with you and these pratical jokes, but -- LYDIA This is not a joke ! That sheet was full of ghosts. She hands him the photo. He looks. Lydia points out... LYDIA No feet. Charles laughs a fatherly, patronizing, but affectionate laugh and cuffs Lydia lightly. He laughs louder as he looks at photo again. LYDIA You don't believe me. That sheet was full of ghosts. They live here. Charles begins to scroll through a computer program. CHARLES (dismissing it) That's air-brushing! Now would you please -- I'll tell you what ... I know! You're bored, right? You take that camera and your bike and photograph every building downtown. Don't tell anyone what it's for... (handing her a wad of bills) Here, take some cash and go do it. How's that? You want to stretch, don't you? Lydia exits, with determination. Charles looks up on the wall and runs his finger over a plat map of Winter River, just like Adam's in the attic. CHARLES Look at the size of these lots... Adam peers at the map, puzzled. ADAM What is this guy doing? Barbara follows Lydia out. Adam thinks, intrigued. Exits. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Delia is frantically preparing for the evening's dinner party. Lydia is very much in her way, trying to show her the photographs. Delia isn't looking at them. DELIA I can't believe you are doing this to me! Ghosts . I am giving a dinner party for seven people tonight. Otho has agreed to come back for the demolition of the attic. My agent, Bernard, is bringing some woman who writes for Architectural Digest . In fact, no one here tonight has not been in Vanity Fair . Except you. LYDIA (resigned) I told them you were too mean to be afraid. DELIA Don't you dare talk to others about me. I'm an artist ! The only thing that scares me is being embarrassed in front of my friends. Do you know how hard it is to get civilized people to set foot in this part of Connecticut? Not a solitary word of this pubescent tripe to anyone. Lydia exits angrily. CAMERA HINGES. Barbara is watching, horrified at Delia's occupation of her (Barbara's) kitchen. Adam appears. BARBARA Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her. ADAM She's got photos , Barbara. BARBARA Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot! ADAM This is different. Eventually she'll take someone to the attic. And then what? We've got to try to contact this guy Betelmyer. We gotta get some help, hon. INT. ATTIC ROOM - DAY (LATER) Adam looks intently through the book. Barbara is staring at the cemetery with his magnifying glass. REVERSE ANGLE ON HER MAGNIFIED EYES BARBARA Did you copy these gravestones right, Adam? ADAM (O.S.) Of course I did. BARBARA Then it should be here. BACK TO SCENE She searches the tiny graves. BARBARA Burton, Lee, Bozman. Wait. She takes a tweezer and moves some ivy on the Betelgeuse grave. Adam approaches. BARBARA (very excited) Here's something. ADAM I didn't do that one... Hmmm. BARBARA ... Yes this must be him. Look... Betelgeuse... Betelgeuse... She looks at Adam, "should I?" Adam chews his lip thoughtfully. ADAM Go ahead... third time's a charm. BARBARA (after a deep breath) Betelgeuse ! Zap! They are transported into the model-graveyard. EXT. INSIDE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT WIND BLOWS -- with shovels and lanterns, Adam and Barbara are unlikely gravediggers. The mechanized clouds move in the sky across the mechanical moon, throwing weird shadows everywhere. Ground fog creeps slowly along the graves. It is so eerie. BARBARA What happened? ADAM Three times. Powerful number. BARBARA (standing in front of grave) Bet... el... geuse. What an awful name. I thought it was like -- you know. The juice of beetles . Adam cringes too. BARBARA Where is he? What do we do? Adam looks down at the grave. Knocks on the stone. Nothing. ADAM Has anything been simple so far? From the look of the shovel, we dig. BARBARA Oh, Adam. I don't have gloves. My nails keep getting longer. I'll break them. Hands her a shovel anyway. She digs. EXT. INSIDE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (LATER) They're almost down six feet. By now they are both almost out of sight in the grave. Inside the grave, Adam suddenly hits wood. BARBARA It's about time. They lean down and brush dirt off a brass plate coffin. "BETELGEUSE" ADAM I guess we open it. BARBARA Maybe we should knock first? A slight TREMOR shakes them. They look at each other and try to scramble from the grave. TOPSIDE They just barely crawl out when a mouldering corpse springs out of the grave and jumps on Barbara's back, and plants a thousand-year-old kiss on her lips. She screams and burbles. Adam pulls the corpse off her back. The corpse does a Three Stooges hammer on Adam's head. Adam staggers backward, unhurt but shocked. All three stop. Something unreal about the corpse, almost mechanical. Then the corpse, grinning insanely at them, flies straight up into the air over their heads. He crashes against the tombstone... And Adam and Barbara see the corpse is only a huge mari- onette on a string and pole. A LAUGH comes from behind the gravestone. And out steps the puppeteer, Betelgeuse. He is small and wiry, with vaguely middle-eastern features. This is one slippery customer. Betelgeuse speaks in a rapid polyglot, choosing words and phrases from every slang in the world. Barbara is mighty uneasy. BETELGEUSE All right. Who are you? BARBARA We're... BETELGEUSE You're the dead. ADAM Aren't you dead? BETELGEUSE Hell no! I'm rolling. I'm a businessman. I'm the man what am . Beee tel Jooose ! Who do I gotta kill? ADAM You don't kill anyone. BARBARA Just get some people out of our house. BETELGEUSE Bio- busting . I loves bio-busting. Who do I gotta kill? Family -- right? Obnoxious I bet. (contorting face) Mommie, daddy, piglets. BARBARA Just one daughter. BETELGEUSE Hey you've been on Saturn! (brushing yellow dust off her) I hate those sandworms! Yecchhh ! I've lost a lot of buddies to sandworms. (back to work) So a daughter? She got good legs? God I love a young leg. Air blows up Barbara's dress, exposing her legs. He leers. BARBARA She's only fourteen... ADAM ... acts like she's thirty-five. BETELGEUSE (rubbing hands) How does she feel about short old men with dirty ears? Barbara is grossed out and increasingly uneasy. Beetle Juice senses it and gets back to business. BETELGEUSE So you, the dead, want me, the undead , to throw the live guys -- Mommie, Daddy and Lolita, who might not mind a tumble with an older guy, out into the cold? Even though they have paid hard casharoonie for your dump? ADAM But... the Deetzes are destroying our house. BETELGEUSE (scolding sarcasm) You Maitlands are the backbone of the afterlife. So what's my cut? ADAM Can you scare them off? Beetle Juice looks offended. BETELGEUSE Me scary? You betcha bootie! He swirls his face and shoulders into a horrifying image. Pleased, he laughs at himself. BARBARA (decisively) Honey. Let's go. ADAM Go? What d'ya mean? We need help. BARBARA No, we don't. We can work something out ourselves. We just have to try harder. BETELGEUSE Hold on. Let's not be squeamish, missy. You rang my bell, you gotta lick the pump. I'm rolling! Barbara grabs Adam. Betelgeuse is getting mad. He changes colors a couple times. Not pretty. BETELGEUSE Folks, be reasonable here. I'm at your service. You be the judge. I'm a harmless guy. Try me. BARBARA Home. Home . Home ! Zap. They are gone. Betelgeuse is furious. BETELGEUSE You fresh corpse creeps! Who do you think you are? ... Walking away from a professional? He walks to a tree and kicks it hard. The whole huge tree falls, KABLOOM! INT. ATTIC - DAY A small tree falls in the model. Adam, across the room, walks over and straightens it. Peers down at graves. All are covered and straight. He looks at Barbara who is poring over the handbook. Making notes. Counting out procedures. ADAM Honey, I think that was a mistake. BARBARA I am not going to expose that little girl to that... pervert down there. ADAM But we let him out. BARBARA I don't care, I've changed my mind. ... I feel really confident. We're getting better at this stuff. We can scare them off ourselves -- tonight! I've got an idea. You're going to love it... I'm going to hate it. Adam turns to look down at the model again. Straightens the tree. Turns away. We can see a tiny light moving through the tiny model forest towards the house. ADAM (V.O.) Okay. But that Betelgeuse sure seemed mad. BETELGEUSE (V.O.) (singing) Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go! INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Dinner for seven, as promised. Everything looks very nice. Deetzes are in control and in their element; The element is neurotic-chic. Some of the guests are affecting distaste for having had to make the long drive to Connecticut. There's a bitchy feud going on between GRACE, the Art In America writer, and BERNARD, Delia's agent, that threatens to become a full-scale war. Otho is drunkish and engaged in his third favorite occupation -- direct attacks on the personal weaknesses of his friends. He's singled out his victim, BERYL, the editor for Ballantine, a frail-looking woman who is dressed "artistically." OTHO (to Beryl) Well, darling, you can only have a hysterectomy once, so why don't you tell us what you really went into the hospital for last week? Or dare I ask, is that a nose 'nouveau' ? Beryl stands to get a drink. CHARLES (privately to Otho) Otho, you've got to help me get Maxie Dean up here. I have a deal that could make all of us very comfortable. OTHO He's a cloven-hooved beast! CHARLES He's your cousin. OTHO I am ashamed to say he is. Look, nothing short of giving away free sacks of money would get him up here, Charles. And Sarah? Forget it. You can't get her out of Bergdorf's with plastic explosives. DELIA Let's sit down, everyone. They do. Beryl returns. Otho smells blood. OTHO (still on Beryl's case) I just hope it wasn't yet another of your dreary suicide attempts. You know what they say about people who commit suicide. In the afterlife, they become civil servants. BERNARD Otho! I didn't know you were into the supernatural? OTHO Of course you remember! After my stint with the living theatre. I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers until the bottom dropped out of the business in '72. BERYL (sick to death of this blowhard) Paranormal... Is that what they're calling your kind now? Lydia watches Otho thoughtfully. Suddenly very curious. Delia senses that Lydia might talk ghosts here. DELIA (a threat; quietly to Lydia) Don't you dare . LYDIA I saw some ghosts. All quiet. DELIA (interrupting) Lydia tried to play a most amusing joke on me this afternoon. LYDIA It wasn't a joke. DELIA Tried to convince me that this house is haunted. Kids. Kids. Kids! I love them. Otho's glance sharpens at this. Everyone listens. GRACE By ghosts? LYDIA By what else? DELIA (laughing it away) In sheets yet. Designer sheets. They -- Charles, seeing things aren't going well for Delia, proposes a toast. CHARLES I propose a toast to our intrepid friends who braved the expressway and fourteen toll booths to visit us. May your buildings go condo. All lift their wineglasses. All drink. All synchro- nously spit out their wine. All together now... EVERYONE Yechhh! Charles lifts the wine bottle from the cooler. Disgust spans the room. ON BOTTLE It bears the familiar spread wings of Thunderbird! BACK TO SCENE BERYL Thunderbird wine? My God, Delia, don't you even have a Safeway up here? DELIA (horrified, but recovering) Joke, Joke ! Charles get the good wine and I'll serve the sushi! It's a joke. Delia stares a spike through Lydia. Delia and Charles rush into the kitchen. Otho looks at his glass and peers at Lydia. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Delia rushes to get the sushi. Charles finds some good wine. DELIA (rapidly; furious) Lydia switched wines. Charles -- if you do not agree right now , to boarding her out, right now, you can forget having what you call sex -- ever again in your natural lifetime. He nods reluctantly. She rushes back to guests. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Lydia is looking around curiously. Delia and Charles rush back in with sushi and good wine. Delia pours for Bernard, the obvious connoisseur. He tastes the wine. All wait. Is it Kerosene du Pape? He smiles. All smile. Beryl tastes her sushi and smiles. BERYL I'm famished! DELIA Isn't that a great grape? So melodic, exotic,... Otho is more interested in Lydia's story. He leans toward her... OTHO Now, Lydia... Favor us about your ghosts. DELIA No ! Do not encourage this little... person. OTHO Oh, Delia, lighten up! DELIA She's been without therapy up here and I will not allow her to ruin... But then... something comes over Delia -- She straightens, then crouches a little, her hand sweeps across in front of her, almost mechanically. And then our Delia Deetz, unable to help herself, leaves the white bread world behind and possessed, sings in someone else's voice, a rich, NEGRO TENOR. DELIA 'If I didn't care, More than words could say,' Lydia's eyes widen. MUSIC UP. All the guests are spell- bound. Charles, too, has the beat -- The Ink Spots in his eyes, In a voice not his own. CHARLES 'If my every prayer, did not begin and end with just your name.' Delia is shocked. She looks at Lydia. DELIA For God's sake stop me... She is cut short by her powerful inspiration. DELIA 'I could not be true to you beyond compare.' Suddenly all the guests, except Lydia, are possessed to become the chorus. They stand by their chairs, they spin in perfect Motown choreography. EVERYONE (except Lydia) 'Shoo doo wop. Shoo doo wop.' DELIA 'If I didn't care... for you...' EVERYONE 'Shoo doo wop. Shoo doo wop,' A look of sheer delight comes across Lydia's face, unlike anything we have previously seen. She dances and claps her hands in time with the music. She is in teen heaven. NOTE: Delia and the guests are fully aware of their singing/actions, but helpless to stop themselves. While it is funny, it is nevertheless just a little frighten- ing. Lydia excitedly looks around the room to see if she can see the ghosts. She can't. Now the song pauses... Everyone tries to recover for a shocked second. Instead, the tempo changes. As the tempo quickens, the guest/chorus is syncopated like al- ternating pistons as they are pushed and pulled into their chairs. They sing throughout. Lydia loves it. Suddenly, caught up in the moment, she rushes to the table and in one swoop, pulls the tablecloth from under all the plates, revealing the clear glass top. She is then swept back away from the table. She giggles with delight at her trick. LYDIA Wheeeee ! The song crashes to its end. Bernard looks down at his sushi. The shrimp draped over the rice roll suddenly rears up like a hand and, making a tiny fist, grabs his dangling tie and... smash -- All the guests are punched by sushi, back over their chairs to the ground. They are stunned. Suddenly, every- one runs frightened into the next room. OUTSIDE ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT Adam and Barbara, with huge smiles on their faces, dance the bugaloo then hug and kiss on the landing in front of the attic. Door is open. TOGETHER We did it ! ADAM Let's watch 'em scatter. INT. ATTIC They enter the attic and run to the window. Look out over the front yard. THEIR POV - YARD filled with the cars of the guests, as well as Delia and Charles' vehicles. ADAM (O.S.) Any minute now. They'll all run screaming. BACK TO SCENE They wait. Nothing moving outside. BARBARA Your Ink Spots were won derful! Adam smiles proudly. ADAM And your sushi was remarkable. BARBARA The sushi? I did the wine. Didn't you do the sushi? ADAM N... No, I just did the Ink Spots. BARBARA (V.O.) Who did the sushi? Timid KNOCK at the door of the attic. Barbara glances at Adam. They don't know what to do. LYDIA (O.S.) It's me. Lydia. Adam, puzzled, goes to the door and opens it. Lydia is standing there, sheepish. LYDIA They'd like for you to come downstairs. Delia says you can pick any sheets you want. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The guests are sitting expectantly. The photographs are being passed around. Otho thinks that this is the choicest thing that ever happened to a family. The wheels are turning in Charles' mind -- he sees a gold- mine. Everyone speaks at once. DELIA It does indicate a marvelously urbane sense of humor on the part of these ghosts -- that they actually appear in sheets ! OTHO We're dealing with Tracy and Hepburn here, a very sophisticated pair. We must protect them, treat them with respect, nur ture them. CHARLES People will pay big money for this. Right, Grace? GRACE (nodding) Charles, I want to know why you didn't tell me about this -- DELIA (now changing her tune) We were waiting for proof. Lydia's photographs... Charles is scheming. BERNARD (skeptical) What are you all talking about? We... we just got a little drunk, that's all. OTHO No matter how drunk you get, you can not sound like the Ink Spots. (to Charles) Charles, this is it ! You can get Maxie Dean up here now. Charles plots and plans. OTHO His wife Sarah loves the supernatural . I did a reading for her just last week. Told her her jowls would tighten soon. I mean she will make him sprint up here in his helicopter if you can produce ghosts for her. BERYL The Enquirer has offered fifty thousand dollars for absolute proof of life after death. I'll send them over. BERNARD I'm Delia's agent! I've lost money for years on her work. If anything actually happened here I'll handle it, thank you. But not until I see some real proof. Lydia appears at the base of the stairs. Everyone stops squabbling, looks at her expectantly. LYDIA They don't want to come down. OTHO Why not? Bernard shakes his head as if all this were an elaborate hoax. He harumphs ! LYDIA I think the reason is they were trying to scare you, and you didn't get scared -- DELIA Of course we weren't scared. (looking around) Just a little startled. One of those sushi dropped down my Kamali. Bernard is now convinced this whole business was a put-on. BERNARD (shaking his head) Total collective hallucination. BERYL I was a little tipsy. DELIA This was not a hallucination, people. This was real , really totally real. GRACE Of course, they were rather spectacular effects -- for Connecticut, I mean. OTHO All presences have a home space. A place where they live, so to speak. Where do they hide out? LYDIA (reluctantly) The attic. CHARLES The attic room is locked -- LYDIA They're ghosts. They do what they want. OTHO Fab ulous! Otho Fenlock's 'locked door' ghosts! Probably committed suicide up there -- hanging like beeves from the rafters. I'm totally enchanted. Bernard gathers Grace and Beryl and walks out the door. BERNARD Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. I'm packing up and going back to the tricks of the city. That I can manage. If you must frighten people, do it with your sculpture. They exit. Delia is horrified and embarrassed. DELIA Wait! I'm going to get to the bottom of this! Lydia, is this some high-tech trick of yours? I want you to take us up there, tout sweet! INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC Delia, Charles, Otho and Lydia creep, creep. DELIA (whispering) Shhh. They're in there? God, they live like animals. This is where they've been hiding out? Lydia nods. Delia suddenly, brashly pounds on the door. DELIA (shouting) All right, you dead people! Come on out, or we'll break down this door and drag you out on the ropes you hanged yourself with! LYDIA Shhhh. They didn't commit suicide. DELIA It doesn't matter. What matters is I've got a roomful of guests down there, who think I'm a fraud. (to Lydia) I am going to teach you something here Lydia. You've got to take the right tone in things like this, or people -- whether they're dead or alive -- people will walk all over you. (loud) Come 