SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the device’s state-of-the-art ability to incentivize exercise through intimidation, Fitbit released a new tracking collar Tuesday that tightens every second the person wearing it is inactive. “Whether you’re a fitness guru or a first-time runner, this sleek new wearable tech will jumpstart any routine by clamping around your throat and slowly restricting air from passing through your windpipe any time you take a break,” said the company’s CEO James Park, who added that for many customers, the fear of strangulation is just what they need to adopt a more active lifestyle. “To use the device, all you’ll have to do is secure the unbreakable lock around your neck, turn on the pulse monitor, and start moving. Don’t stop for any reason, though, because pausing for 10 seconds is more than enough time for the collar to leave you writhing on the ground, dying of hypoxia.” At press time, Park added that although it technically was exercise, the device would not log any movements affiliated with trying to rip off the collar.

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