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Also known as Pac-Man Without the Dots.

The guy with the game pad is the ghost. The other four characters have Wii remotes. And you kill the ghost by shining a light on him. The stroke victims who are forced to play this piece of shit as part of their hand/eye coordination exercises will note that the ghost can see everyone on his game pad screen, while the rest of the players can only see each other. That's what it produces when it's properly used: a coma-inducing turd that not even dogs would roll in.

When it's bad, it's really bad. Like in Super Mario Bros. U, where the person who picked the touch screen pad will basically sit with his thumb up his ass while four of his friends play the actual game with Wii remotes. Because -- and I'm not joking about this -- his entire role is to touch the pad on his controller, and lay out occasional bricks for the other players to jump on. No, seriously, look:

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And though another title they showed, Rayman Legends, actually looks pretty fun, if you were unlucky enough to not get that helicopter landing pad of a controller, your role for the most part is just running and jumping, while they do all the fun shit, like breaking stuff and clearing the path. It eventually leads to the following map, where everyone basically sighs and gets in a good nap while you try to beat an action version of Guitar Hero:

I like to call that the "Just Let Me Fucking Do It" level, because that's exactly what's going to happen when one of your friends who sucks at video games keeps fucking up and having to restart the map ... and you can't play until he gets it right.

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But don't worry, because he won't get many attempts before the controller dies. The battery life is "three to five hours," which in real-people terms means two hours.

I kind of feel bad for being this skeptical about a game system, because I've never really been the type of guy to just unload on a product without trying it. The Internet is full of those dipshits, and I didn't want to be one of them. But goddamn, you have to agree that what they've presented so far has painted a pretty dismal picture of their understanding of what we want as customers, and on a more basic scale, as humans. Surely they can't be that far up their own asses. Can they? I keep expecting them to show back up at another press conference, announcing that they were just setting us all up for a huge April Fool's joke next year, but decided against it. Or at least pulling some huge surprise announcement out of their asses that makes all of this make some sort of sense. But every hour that this doesn't happen makes me lose a little faith that it ever will.

But I guess I can't complain too much. At least it isn't this:

John has a Twitter that he bought for thousands of dollars before realizing they were free. So populate that so he doesn't feel like he wasted the money.

For more Cheese, check out 5 Gaming Technologies That Are Making Virtual Sex a Reality and 5 Ways to Tell You're Getting Too Old for Video Games.