Author's Note: Here's a piece I wrote when I was trying to figure out what I should write next in Time Goes On. Sort of random, but if you squint, it might actually make some ( a little tiny bit) sense. Here goes.

Unexpected

An Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction

Sokka was rarely worried, and even more rarely surprised, actually, truly surprised, as any of his friends could say. There was, however, one thing that surprised him greatly.

He was simply the Chief of the Southern Water Tribe, a tiny (but growing) group of people that had just now begun to move away from their 'living in melting igloos' generation. He had thought that, unlike any other ruler in history, he would be bypassed by assassins. He had expected that they would be off bothering Zuko. After all, who wanted a measly patch of ice at the top of the world where nothing grew when they could have the chance to seize a whole kingdom of riches and food? Apparently the people who wanted to assassinate him.

The first one, in keeping with tradition, was the night of his coronation. Zuko had warned him several times in the first weeks of his reign, that assassins were awfully clichéd; usually using poison (no pickled sea cucumbers the night he was crowned), blades (let your door hinges get rusty-wait- no doors: never mind; wear armor to sleep), strangling (never let anybody hug you around the neck). Mai had even added a list (a running commentary of sorts) on every assassin that had tried (and failed) to kill her husband. In the letter from last week, the total had been 322 (if one didn't count the hugs from Zuko's youngest son.), a previously unbested record in the Fire Nation. Of course, Sokka reasoned, Zuko had already been Fire Lord for most of a year. He must have gotten it a bit exaggerated.

It still took him by surprise. One moment, he was walking through the entrance of the igloo, chatting with Aang and Toph and Katara and Suki (Zuko was sorry he couldn't make it, but he was trying to convince the Council that he only needed one wife- that he didn't need or want concubines-a fruitless endeavor) and adjusting his horribly itchy headdress. The next, he was pinned against the wall, two daggers in his sleeves, another at his throat. Thinking back on it, he decided that he would have died, if not for Suki's intervention. A blur of movement, flashing green, white, red, and gold, and the would-be assassin was pinned to the ground with one of his own daggers in his throat. Afterwards, Suki apologized, and he forgave her, but whenever he passed that spot, he got jitters. That wasn't the closest they got to killing him.

The next was when he entered his chambers, on the same day. He was half out of his ceremonial robes when four assassins leapt through the chimney. Evidently, one was a girl because a dark shape disappeared back up the chimney with a horrified gasp. This sentiment was one that Sokka agreed with, because he flushed red, screamed in both embarrassment and surprise, and pulled on his pants as fast as he could. Suki burst in, ignoring her half-dressed boyfriend in the corner. Katara and Toph followed. Sokka let out an irritated screech of indignity, but otherwise stayed quiet. The intruders were dispatched and sent on a nice vacation to the current home of Mount Lumina, a dangerously active volcano.

It was then that Suki started compiling a list. Mostly it was to best Mai, but also because it could come in handy later. An entire week passed without concern, but the month afterward was horrific. Nine attempts in a single week (on average). By the end of that, everybody had a headache, including Aang, who Sokka had previously believed to be immune to headaches. He had dropped by to help Sokka deal with some things, and was now wishing he hadn't.

Numbers thirty eight through forty seven came the next month, and then there was a lull for maybe a month. Forty six to fifty two were in one group of so-called travelling acrobats that poisoned his wine. He had gotten tipped off that Aang had spiked it with cactus juice, so he didn't drink any. The plants where the wine had been thrown out didn't fare quite so well, and Toph complained that she could feel the life being sucked out of the "poor, poor little tomato planties." The acrobats were kicked out.

Fifty three and fifty four came on Suki's birthday, when they had a public party out in the Square that was actually kind of trapezoidal. Half the ice cabin exploded halfway through the 'Happy Birthday' song, and the cake was ruined. By then, Sokka had gotten smart enough to start an elite group of waterbenders, both male and female, that could arrive on a second's notice to chase down an assassin. That hadn't been one of their better days. Some of them were drunk, and most of the other half was guarding the cake and Suki. So that particular assassin got away. Pity, Sokka thought, but at least we're spreading our reputation.

The worst case was the celebration of Sokka and Suki's first daughter, who they named Akai. Everybody was not congregated in the Square, but out on kind of dangerously thin ice to watch the naming ceremony. The ice collapsed. Luckily, the waterbenders were on their toes this time, but Sokka had them rescue the drowning members of the Southern Water Tribe before chasing the assassin. That night, Suki decided that they might be losing their reputation. Later investigation turned out the frozen bodies of fifty five to sixty seven, most firebenders.

Half a year into his reign, his sister had her wedding in her homeland, inviting more assassins. Luckily, Katara was wearing a wedding parka and trousers instead of a wedding dress. With her waterbending, he fiancé's airbending, and his boomerang, the assassins were dispatched. By then, all of the vacation homes on Mount Lumina were taken, so they got to swim under the sea with the 'fishies' as Sokka's son Tollik dubbed them. Afterward, Sokka nearly ended up with the same fate as the twenty three assassins when his wife found out that her darling baby boy had managed to watch the proceedings. Sokka could only hold up his hands to surrender and smile placatingly while his aforementioned son repeatedly punched him in the knee.

By year two, it was getting old. A predictable pattern of stab, stab, poison, strangle, stab, strangle, stab, stab, poison had started, and Sokka was getting bored. Certainly, each new group of assassins tried a different tactic (his favorite one was when they took a tiny metal pipe, poured poison into a ripe apple, and then tried to sell it to him. He had bought an apple, but not the apple. He looked out the chimney when they left, and saw one barfing up their guts on Katara's sculpture garden. Wisely, he held his tongue. That was numbers one hundred ninety six to two hundred twelve.

When he and Suki celebrated their twenty-fifth marriage anniversary, with lots of spirits and dancing, the assassins began plotting again. Afterwards, confined to his bed for a week from a stab wound in his stomach, Sokka decided that time had actually been interesting, even humorous. This was certified when Suki stormed into his room ranting about 'stupid Katara, stupid Aang, stupid mercy, and stupid magna carta!' That was two hundred thirteen to two hundred twenty seven. Evidently, nobody wanted Sokka alive to reach his fiftieth wedding anniversary.

By the time his son, Tollik, was of age, Sokka was more than willing to pass the title of Chieftain on. Now he finally understood why his father had retired to Ember Island at the age of fifty six. It was the assassins.

Of course, lots of assassins wanted to get at the new Chieftain of the Southern Water tribe by killing his father. The list of failed assassinations now totaled seven hundred thirty seven and a half.

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