“If we wish to take care of ourselves properly, we would have to respect ourselves — but we don’t, because we are — not least in our own eyes — fallen creatures.” — Jordan Peterson.

“It’s easy to believe that people are arrogant, egotistical and always looking out for themselves. Yet, for most people that is nothing more than a façade underneath which people hide self-disgust, self-contempt, shame, and self-consciousness. They narcissistically inflate their own importance, still, deep down they don’t value themselves at all. They are excruciatingly aware of their own faults and inadequacies, real and exaggerated, and ashamed and doubtful of their own value.” says Peterson.

We use narcissism to cover up our insecurities. And the more we do it, the more we become obsessed with our own demons, and the more we forget other people are no different.

WE ARE ALL THE SAME… IF YOU LOOK CLOSE ENOUGH

Realize we all have our own demons, which we are most terrified off. Just because you don’t see other people’s dark secrets, it doesn’t mean they don’t have them — although it’s easy to conclude so. We only see the best moments, the most amazing experiences, the biggest victories of others — their highlight reel. Meanwhile, we have a full backstage pass to the darkest corners of our heart.

We are all human. All the darkness that’s a part of you can be found in others in one way or another. You just don’t see it. People only showcase that one amazing moment of their week, not the dozens of shitty ones that happened along the way. It all creates an ideal in our minds on how our life should look like — and then you realize you don’t have this ideal life, therefore there’s something wrong with you. It’s a conclusion your mind draws, but that doesn’t mean it’s valid.

Nobody is perfect no matter what their Instagram says.

WHEN IDEALS BECOME SELF-HATE AMMUNITION

Before I continue I want to clarify that I’m not shitting on ideals. Quite the contrary, I think ideals can be extremely helpful. They provide us with something to strive for, something beyond our current capabilities. They give us a glimpse of what humans can achieve with the right mixture of hard work AND luck. The ideal is the prize at the end of the road and advancing on this road is called progress.

The problem arises when we make ideals a necessity. Instead of using them as a guide, a north star in the sky, we now tend to use them as measuring sticks of our self-worth. One of the definitions of the word “ideal” is, “something that exists only in the imagination.” It’s something you can strive for but very rarely reach.

We can maybe reach one or two, but we use all the other ones as excuses to beat ourselves up. Our inability to achieve the perfect body, have the perfect girl, make billions and actually be happy about it gives us a fair share of ammunition for our self-hating tendencies.

The more success we see around us when we are struggling the more insignificant we feel subconsciously. You could argue this discomfort motivates us to improve our life’s situation. And I agree with you, some people indeed use this inferiority complex, though unhealthy, to become successful. The problem is that most of these people usually cannot shake off this inferiority feeling, an underlying dissatisfaction and lack of self-worth, chasing another million, another business deal or another sex adventure. No amount of out-worldly success can fix this.

What’s the answer to this conundrum?

Love yourself.

Whoaah! Cheesy personal development advice ahead!

Dude, I get it. It sounds cliché but bear with me for a second while I explain why this indeed is what you need.

WHEN CHEESY BECOMES DEEP OR “HOW NOT TO BE A SELFISH MANIPULATOR”

If you don’t love yourself, you’re more selfish than you think.

Pretty harsh and counterintuitive statement that is, however, let me back it up with some solid reasoning.

If you despise yourself and/or feel inferior in comparison to other people, then most if not all of the things you do will be in reaction to this basic, underlying assumption. It has manipulation written all over it. It doesn’t matter if you go around partying and fucking, hustling and making millions, or loving your wife and providing for your family. The actions themselves aren’t relevant in this case. They all have one common denominator: you are only trying to make yourself feel better. That is the definition of selfishness.

Truth be told, despite having a common denominator the above actions differ in the way they impact the world. Your manipulative behavior can be used to achieve honorable things, yet the underlying manipulative nature strips away the authenticity and morality of your actions — this is a topic for a whole different article.

What I’m trying to say is that authenticity is impossible until we being to truly accept and love ourselves. You cannot truly love another person if you don’t love yourself first. You are using them to fill out the inferiority gap inside of you, and last time I checked that’s not love.

Second, it’s also impossible to find fulfillment and happiness without self-love. No amount of money, love, and recognition will ever be able to substitute your lack of love for yourself. In the end, even if you get vast amounts of the materials things, you won’t feel that much different deep down as when you began.

I once heard an amazing quote that perfectly illustrates the above point, “Wherever you go, there you are.” You can chase the success, the money, travel the world and yet ultimately it will leave you with a bunch of new stuff and experiences, and the same-old feeling of insignificance in your heart. You can’t run away from yourself.

One of the things we can do to help us cultivate self-love is change the way we perceive ideals — change the way we consume and process social media.

CHANGING HOW YOU INTERPRET SOCIAL MEDIA

Today we are exposed to far more information on a daily basis than ever before. We all have phones, tablets, televisions and computers that constantly feed us new information. Social media probably consumes the most of our times and social media is not what it used to be. It started out as a way to connect people, now it’s more about virtue signaling and showing off how “amazing” our lives are.

Fitness girls with perfect asses. Fit guys with perfect abs. Entrepreneurs flying in private jets. Internet millionaires driving Lambos.

“I don’t have perfect abs (or a perfect ass for that matter). I don’t fly private. I mostly use public transport. Wow! everyone is doing so much better than me. There must be something wrong with me. I fucking hate myself.” — Your Subconscious Mind (as you scroll down your Instagram feed)

I found two things one can do to not screw one’s self-worth up when scrolling through social media. Keeping these two things in mind will reverse the self-hate and propel self-acceptance that will then turn into self-love — at least that’s what happened to me.

The first thing is always to remind yourself that nobody is perfect — perfect seems only the part they are posting on social media. That fitness girl with a fine ass may not get taken seriously in her professional career. The fit guy with perfect abs may still grieve for his ex and sleeps with random women desperately trying to get over her. The “entrepreneur-who-flies-private’s” family life is screwed up — his wife is cheating on him as he’s never home and he barely sees his kids. And that internet Lambo guy… he doesn’t have any real, genuine friends who wouldn’t want his money.

Maybe everything isn’t so bad for these people, but maybe it is. You don’t know, because they don’t post about it. However, I’m sure that each one of the “perfect Instagram” folks are bearing their own cross, and you and I are no different. Realizing the latter will help you remind yourself that just because you don’t have the fancy stuff you aren’t less loveable. Maybe someone would give up all their own for something you have — and you don’t even fully acknowledge it.

The second thing I did is reconciled myself with the fact that I probably won’t reach the ideals… ever.

Now, it doesn’t mean I don’t respect or look up to them. I admire great natural bodybuilders and athletes. I respect hustling millionaire entrepreneurs. I am in awe of the great masters of their craft such as world-class writers, musicians, actors, and artists. I just stopped using their accomplishments as something I need to have in order to feel good about myself.

I pick the ideals that excite me and I feel most suitable to come the closest to and I try to use them as guidelines for my daily behavior. And when I don’t feel like doing productive work I motivate myself with them.

One of the things I like to do is maintain a fit, muscular body and to do that I need to hit the gym and eat enough of healthy food. When I don’t feel like following through with my plan I do use pictures and videos of men with inspiring physiques to get me going. It still works, even though I don’t expect to ever reach their level.

Instead, I try to enjoy the journey as much as possible and as cliché as that sounds the journey is all there is.

Is it really worth working your ass off and hating every minute of it just to get to the finish line, where the prize doesn’t fill the inferiority void inside your soul, but only makes you come up with another torturous climb to be “worthy of your love”?

Maybe for you, it is worth it and you have every right to choose the path. But it’s not my path.

I stopped striving for that prize at the end of the road and instead focused on making the journey itself a more fulfilling ride. I try to choose my goals wisely and create a fulfilling (although often not the most enjoyable) process that will leave me better, satisfied and happy even if I don’t succeed at the end.

You and I are just as flawed as others, but we are pretty darn awesome in our own way as well. Let’s be okay with our shortcomings and be proud of our strengths. When you do both, you give yourself permission to love yourself. And that’s when the real journey begins.

FOR THOSE WHO ARE READY…

I want to leave you with a quick little exercise that will help you realize how awesome you actually are — damn that really sounds cheesy (but it’s true nonetheless).

It’s called the Victory List and it’s pretty simple.

Sit down with a pen and a piece of paper (or type on your computer). Set a timer for 30 minutes. Write down every victory you ever achieved in your life no matter how big or how tiny it was. Maybe you won a competition in school, or got accepted into a sports team, or asked out your crush(es), or got up without hitting a snooze button. Everything counts.

It’s going to feel weird at first. You are going to start slow. However, then the gates will open as you will dig up from your memory all the times you prevailed, all the hardships you overcame and that made you who you are today.

I never recommend something I don’t believe in and I didn’t try myself. I actually did this exact exercise on every New Year’s eve for the past 3 years and also right before publishing this article. I try to practice what I write and trust me when I say that you’d be surprised what you find if you do this exercise. There are many wins you achieved that got lost from your immediate memory. Bring them back up! Remember how much you’ve been through and you are still standing. Give yourself some credit!

And in case you are still on the fence… I will let Jordan B. Peterson himself finish off this article:

“You deserve some respect. You are important to other people, as much as to yourself. You have some vital role to play in the unfolding destiny of the world. You are, therefore, morally obliged to take care of yourself. You should take care of, help and be good to yourself the same way you would take care of, help and be good to someone you loved and valued.”