Thomas Cook awarded contract to run ports after Brexit

In an attempt to quash rumours of chaos and inaction over No Deal Brexit, the government has just announced that, following a rigorous process, the controversial contract to run ports in case of sudden exit of the EU as been awarded to travel operator Thomas Cook.

At a lavish press event on Saturday, Number 10 announced the decision, asking attending journalists to start focusing on the positive achievements of the government instead of undermining its efforts. Simon Williams, Communications Director for Boris Johnson’s Cabinet, outlined the plan to hand over all British ports to the well-known travel company.

“We wanted to show the gloom-mongers that Brexit will be a triumph of British entrepreneurial spirit. We are not afraid of novel solutions so that’s why we gave a tour operator the contract to handle freight. But Thomas Cook has been moving hard-working British families across the world for decades. Surely they can handle a few lorries.

“We wanted to see a British company adapting to a bold new Britain and be a shining demonstration about how our nation’s expertise and can-do attitude can make a great success of Brexit. I can think of no better example of how British companies engage with the wider world than Thomas Cook. They are a symbol of where our nation is heading.”

Mr Williams fielded many questions about due diligence and how the contract was awarded.

He went on, “We admit errors were made in the past. But gone are the days of a Transport Secretary awarding a contract after meeting a chap at the golf course who says he knows boats. This was not done in a hurry just to defuse criticism.

“What are you all whispering about? Tell me about what?”