VANESSA: You didn’t mention how long you and your girlfriend have been together, but this is a really common complaint that I hear in long-term relationships. Many of my clients admit that they start to get lazy with the way they initiate sex. Gone are the days when they would start an intense makeout session or playfully throw their partner onto the bed. Instead, many people opt for a lackluster, “I guess we should probably have sex tonight, huh?”

Most people call it laziness, but I think it’s actually something else: fear. Initiating sex makes you even more vulnerable as time goes on. When you’re first dating, you typically always say “yes” to each other’s initiations. But as the relationship progresses, you start turning each other down. Many people stop putting themselves out there as much in order to avoid the sting of rejection. Additionally, they'll start initiating in silly or half-hearted ways because the idea is that if you show passion and intensity, getting turned down feels like much more of a rejection than if you initiated sex by awkwardly groping at your partner’s crotch.

Initiating sex makes you even more vulnerable as time goes on.

First, see if you can boost your girlfriend’s confidence a little bit. Bring up a time that she initiated sex in a really hot way, and say something to her like, “You know what I was just thinking about? That time you did XYZ. That was so hot. You should do that again.” The more details you can give her, the better. If she has specific ideas of initiation techniques she knows you’ll like and respond well to, she’ll be more likely to initiate in those ways again.

If things still don’t change, have a more direct conversation with her about how the two of you can navigate sex in your relationship. I’ve found that it really helps to talk about gentle ways to turn each other down if you’re not interested in having sex when your partner initiates. Maybe say, “I’ll try to be open and considerate every time you initiate sex. But if I’m just not up for it that particular day, what’s the most gentle way I can say ‘no’?” It might also help if you could initiate with her in sexy ways more often, too. It shouldn’t be entirely on your girlfriend’s shoulders to bring the passion into your relationship.

QUESTION: I just started dating someone new and found out that he's into a lot of kinky things. He's asked me if I'd be interested in exploring with him. I'm not opposed to it, but I've just never considered most of these things before. I also worry that maybe I won't be "enough" for him if I don't like everything he's into. What should I do? - Kink-Curious, 25