For the two years Attiya Khan was with Steve, he abused her daily. So why did she choose to make a documentary about an experience that nearly killed her?

Attiya Khan was 16 and a high-school student in Ottawa when she began dating Steve. He was a year older, he was funny, he was smart, he was her first real boyfriend. They started living together almost immediately – and the experience nearly killed her.

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For the two years they were together, Steve abused Khan daily. He punched her, he hurled racist slurs against her, he strangled her until she passed out. She was often afraid for her life. Aged 18, Khan ran from the relationship; literally kicked off her heels and ran. And then, 20 years later, in 2013, Khan stopped running. Instead she sat down with Steve in front of a camera and asked: why? Why had he hurt her? Was he sorry for what he’d done?

The result of Khan’s conversations with Steve is A Better Man: an intensely personal documentary that’s often difficult to watch. But the film isn’t just about one woman, about one relationship: it’s a call to action for abusive men to stand up and take responsibility for their anger and their actions. Before the film’s debut in New York on November 15, as part of the annual documentary film festival DOC NYC, I spoke to Khan via email.

I think the first question a lot of people might have when hearing about your film is why you would you want to talk to a man who violently abused you. What made you decide to talk to Steve?

I had been bumping into Steve every few years since escaping from him. These encounters were short and we mostly just had small talk. There was one time, around 10 years after leaving him, where Steve asked me to sit down with him and I agreed. We sat in a cafe and he just cried and repeated “I’m sorry” over and over again. I did not say much. I was waiting for him to say more. I wanted to know what he was sorry for.

Something shifted in me after this. I realized how likely it was that he had been affected by the violence he used against me. This led me to asking him if he would participate in A Better Man. At the beginning, I didn’t know what I would get out of these conversations, I just knew I needed and wanted to have them. I wanted Steve to know in detail what he had done to me and how it has affected every day of my life. It’s time for people who have harmed others to step up and be accountable for their harmful behaviors. It’s also time for people who have experienced violence to have more options to find safety, healing and justice.

What did your conversations with Steve teach you about the sources of male violence and aggression?

We know that a lot of people who hurt others were hurt themselves at some point, which doesn’t excuse their choices to use violence (after all, many people who experience violence growing up do not go on to abuse others), but it does provide some context. Steve’s own experience of violence before he met me influenced his use of violence against me. At one point in the film, Steve says that he used violence to keep me at his side. He was afraid to lose me. Fear is not an emotion that many men feel comfortable expressing. Fear makes you vulnerable, and most boys and men are taught to never show vulnerability. They’re taught they should always be in control, and often they’re taught to take control by dominating other people. Although it isn’t easy to accept, it does make sense to me that Steve responded to his own fear by trying to control me.

You frame A Better Man as a “film that shifts the conversation on violence against women”. Could you explain that shift a little more?

Before I made this film, I worked as a counselor for women fleeing violence. My work in this field has inspired me so much, but it also makes me angry how much weight women have had to carry in the movement to end violence against us. If we don’t carry that weight, who will? I think hearing from people who are working to end their violence, and the people who are helping them change, shifts some of the weight off the shoulders of survivors and reminds us all where the responsibility to end violence really lies.

How did making the film affect your PTSD?

During the making of the film I started to heal. Every time I would sit down with Steve, I would feel some of my pain, decades of pain stored in my body being lifted. I felt this change even when Steve did not say or remember much. This has affected my life in major ways. I don’t have nightmares any more. I feel safer leaving the house. When I’m out, I’m not always expecting to be hurt by him or others. I don’t spend as much time thinking about potential dangerous situations and how I would get out of them. I feel more relaxed and am enjoying life more.

Did you ever think that Steve should have faced prison time?

The criminal court system is one path to justice, which is heavily focused on punishment. In my case, punishment was not what I wanted. Some of us don’t want the people we care for to go to prison, even though we really want the violence to stop.

I also don’t think the threat of prison is always successful in getting people to take responsibility for harm they’ve caused. In many cases, people end up denying harm that they know they’ve caused in order to avoid prison. The criminal court system wouldn’t have asked me what I needed to move forward and how the harm could have been repaired. There also isn’t much focus within the criminal court system on rehabilitation and helping those who have harmed others move towards a life without violence. This doesn’t make sense to me.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Attiya Khan with Steve, in their late teenage years. Photograph: Attiya Khan & Lawrence Jackman

What has the process of making this documentary taught you about restorative justice versus more traditional forms of punishment?

There’s no single pathway to justice that will work for every survivor, which is why I think we need access to as many pathways as possible. When it’s done well, restorative justice requires the person who did the harm to listen and acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused to others, and to try to repair the harm on terms laid out by the person they hurt. I don’t think facing the harm we’ve caused is very easy for most people. Many of us run from these truths about ourselves for as long as we can, because of the shame involved in confronting them.

Restorative justice does require some involvement from the survivor, so they can set terms that work for them – although it doesn’t have to be face-to-face, and friends, family and facilitators help share the emotional labor. This type of process suited me because I wanted to have some control, I wanted to ask Steve questions in person and I wanted my own needs to be centered, which wouldn’t have been the case if I had pursued justice in the criminal system.

What steps do you think men – all men, not just abusive men – should be doing to help prevent male aggression and domestic violence?

A lot more people engage in abusive behavior than we might think. It may not be physical abuse, and it may be occasional rather than a pattern, but abusive or hurtful behavior in relationships is common. Manipulating our partner to try and “win” an argument can be abusive. Excessive jealousy can be abusive. I think if we were all willing to look at our own behavior more honestly, abuse would be much less common. Everyone is capable of causing harm.

We also have to be willing to look at our friends and family more honestly, and tell them when we have concerns about their behavior. It can be helpful for men to have supportive spaces to talk about these things – I think it can be hard for a lot of men to have emotionally vulnerable conversations with each other. My team created a discussion guide to help groups of men to watch the film and discuss how it might apply to their own lives and relationship.