What Kind of Person Actually Responds To Spam Mail?



Filed under: December 8, 2008, 11:13 amFiled under: Humor

It’s a thought I’m sure that you’ve had at one time or another. Let me set the scene, you’ve just woken up and half drowsily, you check your email, only to see a flood of emails with promises of impossibly easy to obtain college degrees, cheap replica Rolex watches, and enhancements for bodily parts you don’t even have, and you wonder to yourself, “what kind of person actually buys into this crap?”. Naturally, the logical conclusion that comes to your mind is an idiot, a complete and utter idiot. The thing is, you have to be a little more specific, since the complete and utter idiot demographic is surprisingly large compared to the ridiculously dismal amount of spam that is actually responded to.

A recent study mentioned here estimated that only 1 in approximately 12500000 spam letters actually derive a response, yet the spammers still make a profit, and it is directly because of that one person that the other 12499999 of us have to suffer. So to mutually help the spammers target their desired massive idiot demographic at the same time as help them target less of us normal idiots, I have undertaken a quest to find out exactly what kind of person would respond to spam mail and give spammers a little help on their line of sight.

Okay, let’s take the most infamous case of spam email, the Viagra spelled in a million different ways to avoid spam filters type (Sorry, no Cialis). Let’s work this out by simple deduction, take or leave a few numbers… or digits… or accurate information, you get the idea. Trust me, I’d love to know as much as you do, but I haven’t quite figured out how to make contact with the Illuminati just yet. Okay then!

Our “Spam Magnet” should logically possess the following traits:

Be male: Unless she is a woman who is deeply unsatisfied with her husband or forgot what gender she belonged to long enough to desire Viagra.

Unless she is a woman who is deeply unsatisfied with her husband or forgot what gender she belonged to long enough to desire Viagra. Be literate: At least the bare minimum intelligence to read the email in the first place.

At least the bare minimum intelligence to read the email in the first place. Know what Viagra is: Further more, know about three thousand different ways to spell it along with the word “pharmacy” .

Further more, know about three thousand different ways to spell it along with the word “pharmacy” . Not be suspicious of big colorful ads with lotsa’ typos or walls of disappearing random text: Pretty self explanatory

Pretty self explanatory Really, really likes the word FREE: It’s a nice sounding word actually.

It’s a nice sounding word actually. Sexually frustrated: Trying to think of another reason a guy would buy Viagra at obscene prices here, any thoughts?

Trying to think of another reason a guy would buy Viagra at obscene prices here, any thoughts? Smart enough to use a computer without getting electrocuted: Kinda’ required for the internets.

Kinda’ required for the internets. Smart enough to start an email account without bursting into flames: See above.

See above. Financially stable enough to have a credit card: Plastic is usually either the preferred or only way to satisfy your spam shopping needs.

Plastic is usually either the preferred or only way to satisfy your spam shopping needs. Not Drunk: If they can’t walk in a straight line, then how would they be able to type in their credit card number?

If they can’t walk in a straight line, then how would they be able to type in their credit card number? Not High: Ditto

Ditto Not homeless: That Viagra needs to go somewhere, and that somewhere probably isn’t Cardboard Box #22

That Viagra needs to go somewhere, and that somewhere probably isn’t Cardboard Box #22 Been on the Internet long enough to attract spammers: Knows how to use the scroll bar, but not quite so sure on this whole Google thing.

Knows how to use the scroll bar, but not quite so sure on this whole Google thing. Not be of any religion that forbids drugs: Except that one with the lucky charms.

Except that one with the lucky charms. Use the worst spam filter ever conceived: Alternatively, use Hotmail.

Alternatively, use Hotmail. Not the Lochness monster: It would be very difficult to type if you were the Lochness Monster.

It would be very difficult to type if you were the Lochness Monster. Not be under attack by a polar bear: Makes it also difficult to type as well

Makes it also difficult to type as well Okay, this is getting ridiculous: I know what you mean.

Now, this might all be confusing at first, but it all makes perfect sense when you think about it.

As logic would conclude, our Spam Magnet must be among one of these three archetypes:



A. A borderline bankrupt delusional former DRM developer and high school drop out in his late thirties who has lost all meaning to life, likes colorful, shiny objects and lives in a deluxe cardboard box #23 with a mail box next to it, owns a stolen laptop, siphons Wi-Fi off of the neighbors and has just lost a girlfriend due to male inadequacies and is not high or drunk at the time, but just happens to accidentally get his inbox mixed up with his spam folder. Having a gun pointed to his head by the Lochness Monster is a probable factor, and likes to write long run on sentences with poor paragraph breaking skills is a necessity.



B. A person who responds to spam for the sake of responding to spam.

C. The Lochness Monster

Now, using all of this incredibly useful data, I have constructed the most diabolically effective spam letter imaginable:.

Hello, please help give us your money by typing your credit card information below and hitting send:

0000 0000 0000 0000

00/00 0000

$_________ (Don’t worry, we’ll fill this part in for you :D)

Thank you and have a nice day. ~^_^~

After all, it’s already like finding a needle in a haystack. Might as well make it a lot more blatant and shiny.