Aaaaaand Eric is cured of Hep-V. And it wasn’t event that hard. Actually, it was really easy.

Therein lies my biggest problem with True Blood, and that’s saying a lot about a show that allows Anna Paquin to stay employed. This show devotes multiple scenes on the stupidest stuff (see: Lettie Mae’s drug addiction, Nicole’s baby, Alcide being the most jacked hormonal 16 year old girl), but crams the little bit of interesting stuff they do have (see: Eric and Pam, the opening credits) into nothing.

Case in point, this episode’s open. Eric finally has Sarah Newlin, who I refuse to call Noomi because that’s the dumbest, cornered and at his mercy. For eight episodes, people have wondered whether True Blood would actually dare kill off Eric. So he reaches for her, tension building, drinks from her and yeah see ya Hep-V veins. Eric’s fine. That’s it. Why were we even worried in the first place? Oh, by the way, we’re only about two minutes into the episode, so stick around to see if Lettie Mae finally kicks that habit, I guess.

Please, please True Blood, let the next scene be vital to the story and not some last episode fluff bullshit. Please.

So, Sookie and Bill are laying in bed while guitar gently plays (GODDDAMMIT). Bill and Sookie reminisce about back when Bill was cool and had secret plans to sell Sookie and her stupid faerie blood to Queen Sophie Ann. Now he’s just like, “Oh, my humanity!” or whatever. It was hard to pay attention because I started vomiting thanks to the dialogue, then kept vomiting thanks to Bill’s Hep-V veins. Thanks True Blood!

Lafayette and Lettie Mae are still digging away at both my patience and the front yard of Tara’s old house. Lettie Mae’s pastor husband shows and and is hilariously all like “Again with the holes, Lettie Mae?” Somehow, Lettie Mae convinces her husband to trip on V by quoting some bullshit he said about leaps of faith. Leaps of faith = ingesting hallucinogens, read the Bible. Special shout out to the family that literally stood there and watched this happen without calling the police or at least telling these crazy drug-taking fucks to get off their lawn.

The only thing I have enjoyed even less in the seventh season of True Blood than Lettie Mae’s storyline is the flashbacks. So of-fucking-course this whole thing led into a Lettie Mae flashback. We’re taken back to a past birthday party where Lettie Mae is much younger and little Tara, Sookie, and Lafayette are playing. Little Lafayette asks for some earrings, just in case you weren’t sure Lafayette was gay the whole time.

It’s an age old rule that the people that stick their fingers in the cake are dicks. Therefore, Tara’s father was a dick. Also, he beat woman but that fucking cake thing pissed me off. Although he did raise the question…what exactly does a 99 cent cake taste like? (Comment below!). Oh, and just in case you were wondering if baby Sookie is as useless in dangerous situations as adult Sookie…

Back in present day Jason, Bridgette and Hoyt are chilling in Maxine’s house, looking through her stuff. Again, I’m distracted because is it just me or is Hoyt’s voice inexplicably deeper? Or is he using a different accent? Is that an Alaskan accent? Did Jessica glamour a deeper voice into Hoyt? These are the only things I care about now, True Blood!) Anyway, this all leads to Hoyt and Bridgette having an extremely personal conversation that should take place in private in front of a person they just met (technically).

It’s okay though because Jason is distracted by some pictures Violet sends him of a tied up Adilyn and Jessica. I guess even Violet knows that no one gives a shit about Wade Baggins. And to be fair, the pictures of Jessica and Adilyn are terrifying to behold, mostly because they are on a flip phone. Welcome to the 21st century, Jason! I’m surprised he could even make out what the picture was.

Bridgette, still mad that deep-voice Hoyt tells her in a weird accent that he doesn’t want kids, gets into Jason’s squad car and off they go.

We check in real quick with healthy Eric and Mr. Gus Jr, who doesn’t want New Blood to work too well, because then there’s no profit. He compares it to Gillette being able to make a perfect razor or Energizer making a battery last forever, but not doing it. That’s a fair point, and good business sense. I don’t feel betrayed by Gillette at all *rubs heavily scarred chin frantically.*

Back with Jason, who tells Bridgette to wait in the car once they arrive at Violet’s house. “You want me to stay in the car? Is that safe with all the H Vamps?” Lady, you forced yourself on to this mission despite being told repeatedly that it would be dangerous. Don’t get skittish.

Full disclosure: I thought Jason sneaking around Violet’s house while Gospel-y organ music blared was a really cool little set piece. Sue me. I can’t be cynical all the time, people. All good things have to come to an end, though, and it does when Violet shows up and beats the shit out of Jason. ““No one has ever wanted out once allowed in,” she says. As someone who doesn’t particularly like being bossed around, forced to do things against my will, or generally just be yelled at I find that hard to believe.

Violet leads Jason to another sex dungeon (or is it the same sex dungeon? I’m getting my sex dungeons mixed up) where Wade, Adilyn and Jessica are tied up. She describes all the horrible things she is going to do to everyone, including crushing Wade’s head, ripping Adilyn’s breasts off, and maybe I misunderstood but I think she was going to serve Jessica a particularly burnt hot dog.

And again, this is actually engaging stuff. Good for you, True Blood! Let’s build on this tension for a few scenes and just kidding Hoyt shows up and kills the shit out of Violet. With one shot. So that’s over and a major character is dead. One scene is all that deserved apparently. Thanks Hoyt ex machina.

Boy am I in a sour mood after that, so this show decides to cheer me up by jumping right back to that Lettie Mae flashback. Or I guess it’s a Tara flashback? What-the-fuck-ever. Turns out, all this hullabaloo over Lettie Mae taking V and Tara being on a cross with a snake around her shoulders speaking in tongues was just so she could say sorry for not shooting her dad one time. We know this because she isn’t speaking in tongues now for, uh, reasons. God knows where the snake is. The thing she buried in the front yard was that gun that she didn’t shoot her dad with. So, I guess that’s the end of that story (???)

Back at Violet’s house, Hoyt and Jessica share MEANINGFUL SMALL TALK. In response, Jason and Bridgette share EQUALLY MEANINGFUL SMALL TALK. Moving on.

Eric shows up at Sookie’s door step looking all like,” look I’m cured,” and Sookie’s all “great! Cure Bill now,” and Eric gets this look on his face that’s all, “Shit but the Yakuza told me not to, I’ll be back tomorrow,” and there you have it I could write for True Blood.

Sookie shows up the next day to Fangtasia looking for Eric, because Sookie is a headstrong woman that don’t need no permission for nothin.’ Eric tries to play it cool, telling the Yakuza that she was just a stupid fangbanger, and that he “fucked her once, couple years ago, now she keeps coming back for more.” While parts of that are untrue, parts of that are not untrue. I’ll let you decipher.

Luckily, Mr. Gus Jr. thinks in very specific, helpful thoughts and Sookie realizes there is something in the basement of Fangtasia worth checking out. Will she explore further? Of course she will, Sookie loves almost dying. She breaks into the basement using her flashlight powers and finds Sarah Newlin all tied up. Through some faerie magic trickery she discovers that Sarah Newlin is in fact the cure for Hep-V.

We quickly join Hoyt again, visiting Jessica during the daytime to drop off some of his clean blood. What a gentleman. Jessica, despite constantly leaking from the eyes, isn’t bleeding from the ears because that vampire rule is from like way back in season one and no one is supposed to remember that anyway.

Sookie shows up later with the good news about Sarah Newlin. “Wait, are you telling me Bill is going to survive?” Yes, Jessica, if you shut the fuck up and stop delaying things. Why do people keep forgetting that Bill is dying horribly with each passing second and has no time for hugs.

Bill is having some weird Hep-V dream where he walks in on Sookie holding a baby Ring Wraith or something.

Bill, Jessica and Sookie finally make it back to the basement of Fangtasia, where Eric and Pam are waiting. Jessica ONCE AGAIN delays things by getting in Sarah Newlin’s face. Can talking shit really not wait the ten seconds it would take for Bill to drink Sarah’s blood?

But it doesn’t even matter because Bill doesn’t want the blood. Wait, what? Why don’t you want the blood, Bill? Drink the blood, Bill. Please get rid of those veins, Bill! The episode ends here, so that’s the big story going into the penultimate episode. It’s intriguing. It may have people genuinely interested. So, naturally, look forward to True Blood focusing on Lettie Mae in a rocking chair for 48 minutes next week, then at the last minute Bill will be like “guys, I’m kidding, I’ll drink the blood.”