ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The New South Wales Premier told reporters this morning in Sydney that her state would not be following more developed parts of the country, such as Queensland and The West, into an easing of coronavirus restrictions.

Both Queensland and Western Australia announced over the weekend that laws governing the movement and assembly of residents would be relaxed by the end of this week.

However, the rich people who live by the sea down in Sydney have proven the same cannot be done in New South Wales – after yet another weekend of them acting like social distancing don’t apply while at the beach.

“If the people of New South Wales want a reason why we can’t do what Queensland and WA have done, look no further than the beaches of Sydney,” said Premier Glayds Berejiklian at her morning presser today.

“The laws, funnily enough, also apply to them. They need to understand that. My heart really does go out to the rest of the state. It really does. Especially, the bush,”

“If you went to the beach, had a swim and decided to lie about on the sand for an hour over the weekend, get up now, walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror and call that person you see, ‘a fuckwit’. I can’t be any clearer. I mean, it boggles the mind. How can you be so rich and so dumb?”

The Advocate looked through the NSW White Pages this morning to find a random Coogee resident to speak to about the Premier’s comments this morning.

Our reporter finally managed to find one, after accidentally phoning 35 Irish nationals in the process.

Wendy Golhatly has lived in Coogee for twenty years and started to get quite irate when this masthead accused her of being wealthy and pig-headed.

“Fuck you, Errol,” said the rental property manager.

“First that article about rental property managers, now this? How did you get my number!”

“I’m not rich. I bought this apartment for $39.40 in 1988 and paid 97% interest on it under Hawke! So go and get fucked! And I can go to the beach whenever I want. I pay my rates. It’s the fucking westie bogans who come here and ruin it for everyone. Don’t get my started on the Irish!”

“I was born in England and came here as a child. Every time the Irish in my apartment block come back from the pub at Christ-knows-what hour, they rap on my door and yell, ‘Brits out of County Coogee now!’ under my door then giggle. Not funny!”

“Why am I still talking to you! On behalf of all rental managers of Australia, fuck you!”

More to come.

