NORTH POLE–He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice while complying with guidelines surrounding the reduction of greenhouse gas emissions and advancement of sustainable energy set forth by the Paris Agreement under the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change.

This year, Santa Claus will be opting out of the centuries-old tradition of gifting lumps of coal to naughty kids, instead gently placing solar panels under the tree.

"Solar panels are more sustainable and equally as disappointing as coal," said Claus. "This year I want to send a clear message about climate change. As a resident of the North Pole, I have firsthand experience with the global environmental crisis. My home is melting."

Parents all over the globe are applauding Father Christmas' decision to move away from coal, including Alastair and Harriet Grenfell of London, England's upscale Chelsea neighbourhood, whose son Breckenridge can only be described as an affluenzic nightmare. "Finish your foie gras Breckenridge – we're late for fencing," shouts Mrs. Grenfell as she scrambles to find her keys to the family's Aston Martin. "Shut up Harriet, you're not even my real mum!" squeals Breckenridge.

I'm just glad our little Breck will be helping the environment with his deplorable behaviour this year. - Mrs. Grenfall

"Brecky has received a lump of coal eight years in a row, as he is a truly morally corrupt individual, rotten to his core," explains Mrs. Grenfall. "This year a solar panel will be a welcome change."

"I shudder when I think of the environmental impact of coal mining," laments Mr. Grenfall. "Harriet and I recently watched Before the Flood and Leonardo DiCaprio really opened our eyes to the negative effects of fossil fuels. Even though he was just emotionlessly regurgitating what scientists have been saying for decades, it never sunk in until now. I guess it just took another multi-millionaire to put it into context for me."

"I'm just glad our little Breck will be helping the environment with his deplorable behaviour this year," says Mrs. Grenfall.

Not everyone is as excited about Old St. Nick's support for green energy. President-elect Donald Trump, who vowed to increase coal production in the US once he takes office, and who has stated that climate change is a "Chinese hoax," recently tweeted his disapproval:

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