Convicted and subsequently unconvicted multiple murderer David Bain was today awarded what is being called “modest” compensation for his 13-year wrongful imprisonment.

At a press conference this afternoon, Justice Minister Amy Adams confirmed that Bain would be receiving compensation for his “lengthy ordeal,” and hoped that some chocolates, a gift bag, and a new jersey to replace the one that got blood on it, would suffice.

“We believe, firmly, that the compensation awarded by the Government is both sufficient and proportionate to the injustice suffered, in addition to but not necessarily a function of the amount of cash in Simon Bridges’ wallet,” she read from a statement.

Asked by one reporter what was in the gift bag, Adams said she was unsure of all the contents, but that it was “vaguely what you’d expect.”

“So, like, a lot of advertising?” she was asked.

“Yes, mostly ads, yeah.”

Former All Black Joe Karam, speaking on behalf of Bain, said that they were “immensely disappointed” by the outcome.

“The chocolates are Roses,” he said, with a sigh. “The gift bag, there was a little cardboard party hat in there, but when David tried to put it on, the elastic cord snapped, and the whistle that came with it doesn’t really even work. As for the jersey, well, it looks nothing like the old one. I mean, I understand you can’t buy those anymore, but if you’re going to do this, at least go to some bloody effort.”

The compensation awarded to Bain does appear small when contrasted with that given recently to Teina Pora, who spent 20 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Pora received from the Government both an apology, as well as hundreds of dollars in Subway vouchers, and a t-shirt that said “whoops!”