Philadelphia Police Looking for Alleged “Swiss Cheese Pervert” [UPDATED]

Unexpected headline of the week.

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UPDATE: Swiss Cheese Pervert suspect Chris Pagano has been arrested. For the complete story, go here.

ORIGINAL:

Have you seen this man? Fat white dude. In a car. With his pants down. Doing things with Swiss cheese…

The allegations from the Mayfair Town Watch’s Facebook page, where this photo was posted publicly on Thursday:

Good Morning Mayfair! Please be aware of the Swiss Cheese Pervert! This individual is driving around surrounding communities and exposes himself to women. He offers them money to watch him put swiss cheese on his privates. He is a white, heavy set male, 40-50 years old. He drives a newer model silver sedan. He was also spotted in a black newer model sedan. If you see this guy, don’t confront him. Get his plate number and call 911 immediately!!! We have passed all the information to the 15th PD.

In case you missed any of that, this man is being accused of not only showing women his junk but also bringing some Swiss cheese along for the ride. Naturally, someone on Facebook suggested that a good stripper name for the Swiss Cheese Pervert would be Alpine Lace.

And… someone has set up a Swiss Cheese Pervert account on Twitter:

I'm lactose incompetent. Can't get it up without some Swiss cheese — Swiss Cheese Perv (@Swisscheeseperv) January 10, 2014

But seriously, if you know this guy, call the police before he breaks out the olive loaf. Please.

A police source confirms that an investigation is underway into the so-called Swiss Cheese Pervert. God help us all.

UPDATED 1/11 10 a.m.: We’ve been hearing reports that the Swiss Cheese Pervert has been around for some time on dating sites like OkCupid. The Daily News spoke with a Bridesburg resident and OkCupid user named, um, Gabby Chest, who told the paper that the Swiss Cheese Pervert said he was “looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese…”

The Daily News also published the following excerpt from a message allegedly sent by the Swiss Cheese Pervert to Chest:

I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.

Police continue to investigate, and a Special Victims Unit source told the paper that the man in question appeared to have a “major sexual cheese fetish.”

Oh, and the cover of the Daily News on Saturday?

Holy Cheeses!: Mayfair is wacktose intolerant with “Swiss Cheese Pervert” on the loose.



Brilliant!

Follow @VictorFiorillo on Twitter.