Hi Neighbor,

Honestly. I didn’t plan to write about this. It’s disgusting. So if you’re having breakfast, either stop reading or stop eating.

We’re gonna talk dog poop.

Ewwwww!

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way…

Of course I know no one wants dogs leaving their calling cards on our well-manicured front lawns. I found that out first-hand early one morning. I live in Dongan Hills. There must be a thousand houses in Dongan Hills. Even 2,000. Maybe more. Maezie and I were out walking – Maezie’s the dog, by the way – when she decided to drag me onto the front lawn of one of those thousands of homes. It wasn’t even 6 a.m. I always try to keep Maez on the thin strip of grass between the street and sidewalk.

But this particular morning, she would have none of that. It was the front lawn or bust.

So as she’s doing her thing, while I hold a scented, neon green poop bag in hand for the pickup – yes, they make them scented so you don’t keel over while crouching for the big scoop -- a car pulls up and a woman, quite angry mind you, jumps out.

My dog decided to pick the one house in all of sleepy Dongan Hills to let loose as the homeowner was rounding the street corner.

“Hey! What’s the matter with you?” the lady screamed. “I find $%$% all over my lawn every day.”

I meekly showed her my bright neon green scented poop bag, at-the-ready for use. The dog cowered. The lady kept screaming.

“Do I $%$% on your front lawn?”

Frankly, it was a question I did not anticipate.

“Well, I don’t think so,” I answered. “That’s a scene I would remember…”

The lady glared. I scooped. And off a relieved Maeize and I went.

But that’s not exactly what I want to discuss today. Instead, today’s topic – prompted by a lawn sign I’ve seen and then an email from a desperate reader who apparently can’t take it anymore – is what to do with the scented, bright neon green poop bag after it has served its purpose.

Borough President Jim Oddo once told me over dinner that he once watched a woman walking her dog and was curious how she would handle the aftermath. (Yes. Over dinner. I repeat: Ewwwww!) The dog finished and the woman dutifully took out a bag and did the right thing.

“I was impressed,” the BP said. “And then I watched her walk to a storm sewer catch basin and toss it in…”

No! That’s environmentally gross!

It has to go in the trash. Where else?

But therein lies today’s issue: Whose trash?

“WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DISPOSE OF THEIR DOG POOP IN SOMEONE ELSES GARBAGE????” a reader named Frances seethed in an email to me. “I AM BEYOND ANGRY.” (Caps are all Frances’).

“I DO NOT EVEN HAVE A DOG AND MY RECEPTACLE HAS TO SMELL OF DOG POOP.”

Honestly, Frances, I did not know this was an issue. I’ve smelled numerous garbage cans over time. None of them smell so great.

But, and I hang my head in absolute shame saying this, I’ll come clean:

Guilty as charged.

Yes, Frances, I drop my pup’s scented, bright neon green and now-full poop bag in the first trash can I see. Not every time. Just sometimes. I don’t go on people’s property seeking a can. But if it’s at the curb just waiting for Sanitation pick-up – “Why not?” I figure.

Not long after I received Frances’ note, I spotted a hand-written scrawl on a piece of wood posted on a lawn that read: “Keep your dog’s $%$% out of my garbage!”

This is serious, I thought. It’s a movement, so to speak.

“THANK YOU FOR HOPEFULLY READING AND PERHAPS WRITING A STORY REGARDING INCONSIDERATE PET OWNERS,” Frances went on. (Still all caps.) “ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE APPRECIATED.”

So I took a look at New York’s 311 website to see the legality of all this.

Uh oh! Poop-bag-dumpers be warned. We’re breaking the law!!

“It is illegal to use another person's or establishment's trash receptacles without their permission, or to place refuse in front of a building other than where it was generated,” reads the site. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but if the city allows placing “refuse” in front of the place it was “generated”…well, you get my drift. But I think it best not to try to argue the point.

“You can report chronic improper trash disposal,” 311 advises. “In order to do so, you need to provide:

The address of where the materials are coming from, and

The address of where the materials were placed”

And therein lies the 311 problem: We know where the “materials” are coming from, but it’s not exactly a place where we can establish an address.

No matter. You’ve convinced me, Frances. I didn’t know. I thought I was being a good neighbor by doing the “pick up.” I see now I fell short. I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

But how to stop this random, illegal poop-bag-dumping epidemic? Frances and I are open to suggestions. Drop me a line at laline@siadvance.com

Just one thing: As a recovering poop-bag-dumper, I’d appreciate if you keep your poop bags – scented or otherwise -- away from my trash can!

Brian