Today I write my first blog post.

My wife and I finished serving our third mission together a little over a month ago. Our first two missions were a great experience. We loved each and every day together and we grew closer together. However, this last mission drove a wedge between us and The Church that cannot be removed.

We left on our third mission with great experiences from our previous missions and strong testimonies. We returned from our third mission disillusioned and unbelievers.

Some back story: My wife and I converted to the Church in the 1970’s along with our three young children. The missionaries were introduced to us by a dear neighbor. After receiving the discussions for about 2 months my wife and oldest child was baptized. I still had a number of vices that I wasn’t willing to give up. After seeing the good that had become of my wife and children (the other two were later baptized), I joined the church 10 years later. At first it was easy. Everyone was friendly–as we were new to the ward. I quickly was called to be a secretary in the Elder’s Quorum, then First Counselor in the Elder’s Quorum.

Seven years after being baptized I was called to the High Council.

My family and I were strong in the Church. Our two sons served missions and attended BYU. We were active in a meetings and kept the commandments.

When hard times hit our area in the early 2000’s, I retired and we immediately went on a mission. A second mission followed.

When we got home from our second mission, we discovered that our ward had shrunk to less than half of its original size. The bishop had “apostatized” due to “gay issues”. Later we learned his son was guy and he supported same-sex marriage and his conscience required him to stop participation in the Church.

With little leadership left in the ward, I was called as bishop 3 months after returning home.

Two and a half weeks after being sustained as bishop my wife diagnosed with breast cancer. Six days later my oldest son was diagnosed with early-onset ALS (the signs had been ignored for quite some time). I was devastated. My world had been turned upside down.

I was barely able to hold myself together. Seeing our retirement draining, I got a job at a local grocery store. Between work odd hours and caring for my wife and son, I was spending nearly 20 hours a week with church responsibilities. I promised the Lord that if He could cure my wife and ease the pain of my son and family, I would consecrate my life to Him.

Months later my wife had become a cancer survivor and my son had only experienced minimal progression in his disease. We felt blessed.

Faithful to my word, I had rededicated myself to Him (and His Church). My wife and I set a go to serve our third mission together–more dedicated to The Work than we had been previously.

We were called to serve in a foreign mission office with some other minimal responsibilities. It was hell from day one. From the start it was clear that we were no more than glorified butlers and assistants to the mission president. We were asked to wash his car once a week, pick up his laundry, purchase gifts for his children’s birthdays, and on occasion use our own funds to purchase meals for his family of five.

We had enter more dedicated than ever to serve the Lord and we were only servants of our mission president.

At the same time, working in the office allowed me (me much more than my wife) to interact with the Area Presidency. While serving our third mission, the Area Presidency was very proactive in establishing new rules for missionaries and new baptism requirements. With each new program, rule, or General Authority visit, I became aware that business sense and strategy was being used more than the Spirit. The corporate skeleton of the Church appear to grow more visible as the religious and spiritual exteriors evaporated in our eyes. Over the short period of time we were on our third mission, we went from 100% dedicated, three-time missionaries faithful to God and the Church to cynical agnostics that really don’t know what to do.

The horrible relationship with are mission president and the stark reality of the corporate governance of the Church was probably enough. But while we were on our mission the Church released a number of Gospel Topics on special subjects that rocked us pretty hard and nearly flipped us over.

For me, it was the essay on Race and the Priesthood. For my wife, it was the essays on polygamy which were released just before we were about to return home.

It is crazy to think how our whole world has been overturned in the last 18 months. Sometimes we don’t even know whether up is up anymore. Sometimes we just utter under our breathe “I’m just so confused”.

We have haven’t been to church since we returned home. Nor do we expect to. We often wonder whether all our time spent on “church things” was a waste. I often have regrets of not being there more for my wife as she was going through chemotherapy. I thank God (if there is a God) that she survived. If she had not, my biggest regret would have been not having spent more time by her side. More time with her–instead of at church.