Photo : STASEVICH ANDREI OLEGOVICH/AFP ( Getty Images )

In what’s either a massive over- estimation of the U.S. public’s ever-waning tolerance for Steven Seagal—or just a savvy way to get him out of their country for a minute —the Russian government today announced that the doughy silk robe enthusiast/alleged professional creep/person accused of sexual assault by at least 2 women has now been named as the country’s “special envoy to the U.S.” Lucky us.


Per The Hollywood Reporter, Seagal’s new position is (blessedly) unpaid, and involves him attempting to “facilitate relations between Russia and the United States in the humanitarian field,” a project likely to be made slightly more difficult by the extremely tepid relations between Seagal himself and the rest of the human race. His specific areas of expertise include “cooperation in culture, public, and youth exchanges,” which, gross:


Seagal has been a long-time booster of Vladimir Putin’s government , clinging to the country’s affection for him like a greasy, unkempt ponytail, or possibly a film script entirely constructed out of the words “kick,” “fire,” “pressure,” “siege,” “kill,” and “babe.” He became a Russian citizen in 2016, and was banned from Ukraine last year for his support of Putin’s policies, making “Guaranteed a bsence of Steven Seagal” one of the few metrics in which the sometimes- embattled country unambiguously leads the planet in quality of life measures.