PALMDALE, CA—With one hand on the wheel and the other turning up a radio blasting Black Flag’s “Rise Above,” the drunk 17-year-old currently driving a convertible at 100 miles per hour down a slippery patch of California State Route 138 is utterly invincible, sources have confirmed. “Nothing can stop me—I’m going to live forever!” slurred the fast-living, indestructible teen, swerving his father’s BMW through the torrential rain and accelerating down the winding mountain highway. “I’ll be young forever, too. ’Cause I play by my own set of rules.” The immortal being then reportedly sneered as he locked eyes with his own reflection in the rearview mirror, pressed harder on the gas, and approached a sharp bend in the road.

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