TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “two whole days” since they had to use shuttle buses, authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century, Toronto’s mass transit system has the capacity to reliably handle the city’s transportation needs.

“The TTC has been consulting with experts as this crisis develops,” said TTC spokesperson Stuart Green, “and we are proud to report that for the first time since 1981, the majority of riders were able to get on the Dufferin bus on their first try.”

Further tests confirmed a lack of delays, and an increasing number of rides that commuters described as “okay” and “pleasant”.

“Oh, I get it now,” said commuter Mary Silva, as her streetcar swiftly travelled down Queen Street, free of traffic and short turns. “This is how my parents must have felt when they took the streetcar.”

The 31 year old, who isn’t wealthy enough to stop going to work and self-isolate, first noticed something was different when the Presto card reader was able to read her card and deduct her fare without having to wave it repeatedly in front of the reader or look to the driver to wave her in.

“I thought, ‘okay, that’s weird,’” said Silva, describing her experience. “But when I was actually able to get a seat, that’s when I knew something was really up. Like, all right, what the hell is going on?”

Commuters aren’t the only ones adapting to this blast from the past. TTC staff are also coping with occurrences not experienced in over a generation.

“I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy,” says operator Dale Mulkin. “It’s hard enough getting used to the functioning signal system, but did you know that when I said something over the intercom yesterday everyone in that carriage was able to discern what I was saying? The elders spoke of a time when announcements could be understood, but we always thought it was mere legend, a fantasy borne of perms, leg warmers, and cocaine.”

Municipal officials are taking the opportunity to learn as much as possible.

“When 1 PM rolled around and I realized there had been no reports of delays, derailments, power outages, fires, or fatalities from the TTC, well, I had to go see it for myself,” said Mayor John Tory, glancing around the train in awe as he took in his first ever subway ride.

“You know, this is actually really good,” he remarked, taking in the calm and speed of his journey.

“Maybe I should have used all that Gardiner money for this instead,” he pondered aloud, before adding, “Nah.”