Photograph by Pete Marovich / Bloomberg / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a feat that some observers called nothing short of miraculous, the embattled pharmaceuticals C.E.O. Martin Shkreli single-handedly made the American people side with Congress on Thursday morning.

According to polls taken after his appearance before the despised legislative body, Shkreli’s smug, smirking, and utterly douchey performance had the effect of temporarily transforming members of Congress into marginally sympathetic figures.

The University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, which tracks the American people’s attitudes toward the legislative branch, said that after Shkreli’s appearance Congress’s approval rating surged from eleven per cent to fourteen per cent.

“A three-per-cent gain may not seem like a lot, but I think everyone in Congress is popping champagne corks today,” Davis Logsdon, the pollster who supervised the survey, said. “Martin Shkreli is the best thing to happen to Congress in years.”

Shortly after the hearing concluded, a congressional spokesman announced that Congress plans to hold an additional twenty to thirty hearings with Shkreli in the immediate future.