Portage la Prairie, MB –

Head west no more, old man! Portage is getting a novel park concept that will end the flux of retirees heading to British Columbia.

Senior themed parks are on the rise in Europe, where there are a lot of old people and little concern for the needs of youth, and the trend is hitting Portage.

“We had always planned on moving to Kelowna after we sold our business,” Bill Payette said. “A lot of our friends milked this town for years then bailed. But now that we are getting this park things are changing.”

Billed as a destination park for the entire Central Plains region, the senior’s park will draw tourists and those looking at making Portage their retirement home.

“This park experience will convince Portagers to stay home and draw more people here to live out their golden years,” park spokesperson Ida Henry said. “It will be the best of its kind in the province.”

The new park offers several features designed just for seniors and will be open to only those 60 plus from 5am to 3pm daily.

Key design elements will include a complaint booth, complete with power-lift recliners, where visitors will be encouraged to complain about topics of their choice including the health care system, Justin Trudeau, their kids, neighbours and the general state of most things.

There will be hard candy dispensers, vending machines stocked with Rub-A535, Polident, black liquorice, adult diapers, and Metamucil.

Garden boxes will allow seniors to be put on teams to participate in competitive gardening in the summer months and the entire park will be closed in the winter.

Park employees will actively clean and care for the grounds with seniors present to allow for open criticism and correction. Occasionally construction crews will be on site to entertain the men and give them something to talk about.

Charging stations for electric scooters will keep seniors on the move and save them money on electricity. Two-bit coffee and ten-cent cookies will be available three times a day to help make visitors happy briefly.

Nurse practitioners are being hired to staff the park for two hours a day and all the grounds will be wheel chair accessible.

Naps will be a highlight of the park with napping stations located in all corners of the park along with TV lounges to keep seniors entertained.

Plans for future expansion include a denture cleaning station, toe-nail cutting services, a circular memory walk that will repeat stories for you, and a “temporary grandchild” program that will see local daycares farm out their kids as surrogate grand kids.

Estimated cost is $20 million and construction is scheduled in three weeks.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the wacky, fictional, satirical nature of this story and website.

Photo: shira gal – https://www.flickr.com/photos/miss_pupik/