Lemme tell you something. I haven’t started the new season of House of Cards yet because I honestly feel like we’re living in it. Double dose of it might be TEW MUCH. This Trump administration is like Primetime Fuckshit. On the bad part, everything is crumbling and the world is burning. On the good side, we got more tea than we can ever drink. We’re drowning in tea.

Last night, someone else blessed us with more. A saint woman by the name of Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) took to Twitter to drop info she gathered for us all, and challenged journalists to go dig up more on it. It’s about Melania Trump. And listen. It was good! It starts HERE but here is the tweet that really took me OUT. The crux of the spillage, if you will.

But here it is: word is, for many years, Melania’s been having an affair with the head of security at Tiffany’s in the Trump Tower lobby. — Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) June 1, 2017

CHISOS!!! I don die.

And then:

Hi @realDonaldTrump! We’re all wondering if your wife @MelaniaTrump is having an affair with the head of security at Tiffanys or nah? pic.twitter.com/yaBpXsX0qd — Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) June 1, 2017

*grabs my wig* I have died finish. Wear all red suits to my funeral and matching dyeable slingbacks. Tell them to swag surf at my repast because LAWDDDD.

There is nothing like hot tea. Not even the Lipton kind. We need to call this something higher, like Teavana or some shit. Organic, and expensive. This tea is too good.

Let’s talk about this in full! So. We all know that Melania is disgusted by the fail whale she is legally bound to. We KNOW. We see it every time she winces when he touches her and when she refuses to hold his hand. We see it in her stupid squint that her soul dies a little bit every day she has to be attached to him.

I had already heard through the grapevines that she was gonna divorce his ass but then he went and played the world’s unfunniest practical joke and became the President of the United States. So she was stuck with him, and doomed to play the ornament in Satan’s tree of an administration.

BUTTTT I hadn’t heard about her side-bae, who happens to be a security guard at the Tiffany’s at the Trump Tower that Melania refuses to leave, even as her husband is living at the White House. I HADN’T HEARD THAT AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE. I thought she was getting through it with a rabbit or some other battery-powered toy. But no, she might have went and got her real life meat.

Chile, listen. Allegedly, Melania outchea playing Rapunzel in the Trump Tower and refusing to let down her hair to play First Lady in DC because her real boo works in the lobby. Maybe she said “Shit. I ain’t gon divorce you or poison you in your sleep because I hate your guts so much but what I will do is not miss out on my regular dick down because you wanna go be president. I’m staying, like Effie White. And NYC gon love me.” That wily bish.

I’m guessing that is why she kept on being like “don’t hold my hand, Donald.” Cuz her boyfriend was gon get mad and come see Marmalade Mugabe in these streets. And then Secret Service woulda had to neutralize him and the pipe she was getting on a regular was gonna be no more. I SEE IT NOW. It all makes sense.

Security Bae ain’t bad on the eyes, either. He got the chin dimple going on and errthang. Meanwhile, the walking 7 deadly sins Melania is married to got the face for radio. No comparison in the looks department.

But here’s the real PETTY in all this. Melania’s gift to FLOTUS (the real one) Michelle Obama on inauguration day was from Tiffany’s. LEMME FIND OUT SHE USED SECURITY BAE’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY DISCOUNT.

If this is true, then the writers of Real World: Trump Administration (yes, they got writers) better get to work. Rich people are crazy and conniving AF.

Honestly, we’ve been going at this resistance all wrong. The key to Tangerine Voldemort’s downfall is getting Melania mad enough at him. SHE got the key.

What I do know is that I’m not okay that our good taxes might be paying for Squinty McGirk to have a side floozy. It’s costing us millions a month for her and Barron to ignore Papaya Pol Pot, AND for her to be getting her pipes cleaned by some scruffy dude downstairs. These Trumps get away with murder, treason, infidelity and then they get paid for all of it. Their white privilege is on a hunnid thousand trillion. Let her have melanin and y’all would have her wig hanging in effigy. They get away with all types of clusterfuck behavior.

Is Melania getting federally-funded side peen? I wanna know. And let’s keep asking the tough questions. The ones that matter. The shady ones, especially.

Whew. Happy Friday!

Edit: Someone sent me a link to the Facebook profile of Security Bae. Y’all. THE LACK OF CHILL WITH YOU IS STRONG! But don’t think I ain’t scroll all through his profile looking for clues. I’m nosy like that.

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