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Part One

[Stride]

The living room is very quiet, painfully so. The only sound is the ticking of the clock, every click an uncomfortable shudder that runs up my back, counting down the seconds.

I sit next to Lilly on the couch, holding her hands in mine. She squeezes them every so often, hard enough to turn my knuckles white, but I don't mind. I'm just as nervous as she is and I'm squeezing her fingers almost as hard.

Hisao is pacing back and forth slowly, with a look of deep concentration on his face, the same face he wears when he's answering a student's difficult question. I can tell though by the way his eyes shrink to tiny dots and his forehead crinkles over his nose that he's just as impatient as the two of us are, maybe even more so. He's worried and scared, though he would never want us to know how upset he really is.

He's holding in his hands the cause of why we're all sitting around in uncomfortable silence. That tiny, white plastic stick, like so many others that have been used and thrown away is the reason we're all sitting here quietly waiting for the recommended time to lapse.

“Hisao, what does it say?” Lilly asks, her voice shaking. I squeeze her hands tightly, trying to lend her whatever strength I have.

Hisao turns to us, his eyes flashing down to the object in his hands. “I'm sorry, Lilly, but it hasn't even been the full two minutes yet.“

Lilly sighs, her pale shoulders slumping.

“It seems like it's been much longer than that....”

I try to smile and put an arm around her, holding her close to me. “It'll be okay. I'm sure we'll have good news this time. You'll see.“

Lilly weakly smiles, rewarding me for my efforts to cheer her up. “Thank you, Hanako. I hope so as well.”

Hisao and Lilly have been trying to have a baby. With all the talks you get about using protection and being safe when you're a teenager, I never thought it would be so hard for two people to have a child after they're married.

I see Hisao's eyes light up and eyebrows raise as he peers at the pregnancy test one more time. I sit up at attention, a quiver running through my heart, but then his eyes droop and his arms go limply to his side.

I sit back again, heartbroken on their behalf.

“It's negative, isn't it?” Lilly asks, sensing our disappointment, her voice barely a whisper.

Hisao drops the test into a trash can and replaces the lid, unable to look at it anymore.

“Yeah.”

He turns towards us and forces a weary smile.

“We'll have better luck next time, though.”

I know he's trying to make Lilly feel better, but I can see in his eyes the doubt and worry left unspoken, the concern he hasn't mentioned to Lilly.

He thinks it's his fault.

All those years of so many pills and medications, Hisao thinks it's his fault he can't have a child with Lilly.

Seeing the two of them like this is the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. I wish there was something I could do to help them except pointlessly sit here, disappointment again and again visiting the two most important people in my life.

Lilly has a tired smile on her face.

“Yes, next time,” she says wistfully.

Hisao sits on the opposite side of Lilly from me and wraps his arms around her, the three of us holding each other close together.

He touches her face with a gentleness I've come to envy.

“Hey now, it's not like we don't enjoy trying, you know?“

Lilly turns a little red and I giggle.

“No, of course not.”

Now Lilly is really red.

She's so pretty when she blushes.

“Thank you, Hanako. I know it's been hard for you as well. With me and Hisao needing so much....private time together. I hope you don't feel put out of the house because of us.“

I shake my head, tucking a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. “Of course not. You two deserve all the time you need. I know you'll make great parents.“

Lilly's smile is a little stronger now and she breathes a sigh of relief as she gets up from the couch.

“Well, shall we have some dinner then?” she says hastily.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I reply.

“I could eat a horse,” Hisao says with a grin.

Lilly laughs and runs her fingers through his messy hair.

“You'll have to settle for what I cook for you. I'll start. Hanako, would you help me in a little bit?“

“Sure, Lilly.”

She exits the room leaving Hisao and me sitting on the couch. At first I feel a little awkward. Hisao sinks down into himself and into the sofa, surrounded by cushions and an air of misery. I'm not sure what to say. Lilly wants something to occupy her mind from their problems but Hisao is left alone to wallow in them.

I should do something.

I do the first thing that comes to mind.

I turn the television on and flip the channels for a while. Then I turn the volume up a little high and set the remote down so Lilly can't hear us.

I take Hisao's arm, wrap it around my shoulder and lean up against his chest. “You okay?”

Hisao looks down at me with the sweetest, saddest eyes I can imagine and makes a pained, rumbling noise in his chest.

“It's all my fault.”

“You don't know that, Hisao,” I try to reassure him, “you're just having some bad luck. It'll happen at the right time, I know it.“

Hisao shakes his head, tightly wrapping his arm around me and letting his head rest against my hair.

I can feel his breath rustle my bangs.

“It has to be me. There isn't any other explanation. All those years of taking my medication, I never thought much about what it would do to me in the long run. A few lost night's sleep here or there, a couple of nightmares, nothing more. Now that I've finally got my condition under control, now the side effects start showing up and Lilly is the one who has to suffer for it.“

His lip twists into an ugly, self hating expression. I can't help but flinch to see that bitter look on his face. “Lilly deserves better than this....”

I put a hand on his chest over the faded, white scar from over a decade ago. “There's nothing wrong with you or Lilly. I know you two will have a baby. You deserve one. You took care of me when I needed you and you'll have the chance to do the same for your child as well, whenever they may show up. All you need is a little patience.“

Hisao lets my words sink in for a few minutes and then he smiles at me, making my heart flutter and face warm up.

“Thank you, Hanako.”

He kisses me on the cheek just next to my lips and my skin burns where he touches me.

“Me and Lilly owe you a lot.”

Tell him how much you love him. Tell him that you need him and Lilly. Tell him you'll never be able to pay them back for all that they did for you.

Tell him you want him.

“I-I know.”

I giggle weakly and wink at Hisao.

He hesitates, then smiles at me and stands from the couch, stretching as he does.

“Let's not keep Lilly waiting. I'll set the table, okay?“

“Sure Hisao. I'll be right there.”

[Painful History]

Hisao leaves me alone in the living room with the blaring television. My smile vanishes from my face as he steps out of the room.

I know I've come a long way.

I barely stutter anymore.

I can go out by myself and be perfectly fine with people looking at my scars.

I borrow Lilly's clothes and I'm not bothered in the least to show a little shoulder or leg.

I know I can be pretty.

I can look someone in the eye for a whole conversation and not flinch away.

But I still can't tell Hisao and Lilly what the mean to me.

I just can't say how much I love the two of them.

How can I use words, any words, to express just what I feel?

Is there some magical phrase I can use to convey just how deeply I love them?

Exactly how do I love them, anyway? What are they to me? My best friends, yes, but what else?

Are they my brother and sister or something more intimate? I long for them and it's tearing me up inside to see them suffer through this.

I sigh and wipe my eyes clear.

I may not be able to put my feelings into thoughts or words, but I know that I love them more than anything in the world and I'll be here for them no matter what, the same way they were there for me.

After a few minutes, Hisao pokes his head into the living room. He looks at me curiously. “You going to join us?”

I smile and turn the television off.

“Coming, Hisao.”

----------------------------------------

Part Two

[Daylight]

Several Months Later...

The first day of school comes around and the usual routine gets picked up again.

I wake up early, my face resting on a stack of pages that I was unable to finish the night before.

I groan in discomfort. I stayed up way too late last night trying to finish Kenji's new book and I'm paying for it now.

I'm a little embarrassed, but I drooled on it and have to shake the top few pages dry. I'd die if I handed Kenji his unpublished book back with spittle on it.

Opening the shades and letting the morning sun in, I can feel the warmth spread across my skin, bringing me to full wakefulness. I only got back from my trip to Okinawa a week ago and the feeling of sleeping in my own bed again still hasn't lost it's novelty. I'm glad for the time I had away, a chance to clear my head and refocus myself for the upcoming school year.

This will be my last day off before I return to Yamaku as a counselor. Being able to help students who find themselves unable to deal with the disabilities that brought them there has become a love of mine, especially for those children who suffered through an accident and are still living with the trauma.

My own experience and the testimonial I wear every day I think makes it easier for them to relate to me and open up about their own problems.

But that's not until tomorrow.

I quickly shower and dress and sit in front of my mirror, running a brush through my long hair again and again. I don't cover up my face as much as I used to, but I keep my hair long out of preference.

Besides, Hisao likes girls with long hair.

I stop brushing and let my fingers touch the livid scars on my face. Though slightly sensitive, they don't nearly stand out as much as they used too. Treatment and time has caused the once leathery, puckered flesh to begin fading away. They'll never be completely gone and I'll always live with them, but they don't bother me nearly as much as they used to now that they've faded a little.

Then again, maybe they actually are as bad as they once were and their improvement is only in my imagination. I'm not entirely sure. Either way, I'm not bothered by it.

I touch my face, pull my hair back and smile, saying the words like a mantra.

“I am pretty.”

I used to have to convince myself every morning that it was true.

Now I know that it is.

[Friendship]

From outside the door I hear Lilly speak in a low, teasing voice.

“More than just pretty, Hanako.”

I turn red, nearly dropping my hairbrush. “L-Lilly!?”

I can't believe she's up this early, but then I remember she's probably getting ready for school.

“May I come in?” she asks.

Trapped in my embarrassment, I fuss around with things in my room, though I know there's no good reason to do so. My room could be a mess and Lilly wouldn't notice if she didn't trip on anything. I'm just buying time for my blush to vanish.

“C-come in,” I say after rearranging my makeup case on my desk for the second time and scooping a few loose pawns off the carpet.

The door opens and Lilly walks in, still in her black silk jammies, her long, pale legs peeking out and her beautiful hair still in a pretty mess. I turn red again in the face and this time I can feel the heat in my cheeks.

I used to be jealous of how pretty Lilly was, but now all I can think of is how beautiful she looks, especially in the morning.

“Good morning, Hanako.”

She holds her arms open towards me.

I stand up and hug her tightly, pressing myself against her as much as I can.

Lilly seems a little surprised by the warmness of the gesture. “Is everything all right?”

I nod, my cheek against her shoulder. “Yeah. I just remembered how pretty you look in the morning.“

Lilly's cheeks flush. She turns my chin up and kisses me close to my lips.

If I just tilted my head only a little bit, I think to myself.

The thought makes me feel warm all over.

For a moment or two I seriously contemplate it.

Instead, we pull apart and I sit down at my desk and Lilly finds the edge of my unmade bed.

“Ready for school?” I ask.

Lilly nods, folding her hands in her lap. ”Yes, I'm looking forward to this year. How are you feeling about it? Are you all ready for tomorrow?“

I pick my hairbrush up from my desk and step over to Lilly, sitting on the bed next to her, the cushion soft under my weight. I wrap my fingers in her golden hair and begin slowly brushing it from the top of her head to the tips of each lock. Her curls bounce and shimmer with the light coming through the window. She hums a familiar tune as I brush her long hair.

I love the way it feels between my fingers.

“Yeah. I like to travel, but it's nice to come back to Yamaku.“

Lilly turns towards me and smiles. “Brings back good memories, doesn't it?”

I smile back at her. “A lot of them.”

I finish brushing Lilly's hair and she stands up, straightening her night shirt.

“Well, I'll get dressed.”

“I'll start breakfast, if you want.”

“Thank you, Hanako.”

“Is Hisao up yet?”

Lilly shakes her head and giggles. “No, still asleep, poor dear. He was tossing and turning all last night. He was so nervous about today he barely got any rest.“

I frown a little. “Why?”

Lilly shrugs. “First day jitters, I guess. Same as every year. You know how much pressure he puts on himself."

I pause and think about what I want to say for a few moments before I say it. “Lilly?”

Lilly raises her eyebrows curiously.“Yes, Hanako?”

My hand starts to cover my face and I have to yank it back down to avoid the old habit.

Take a moment and breathe, I think. Don't stutter, don't stutter. Look in the eyes when you talk to someone.

“Are you and Hisao doing all right?”

The question seems to take a long time to reach Lilly, hanging in the air between us for several minutes.

Lilly sadly smiles. “Because of our troubles having a baby?”

“Yes....”

Lilly sighs and then sits back down, putting her arms around me. I lean into her warmth, resting my head against her neck.

She smells wonderful.

“Hisao and I are perfectly fine, Hanako. Our...difficulties aren't coming between us. It's frustrating, yes, but the two of us are happy. I don't want you to concern yourself overmuch on our behalf.“

“I know. But you must have been trying all the time I was gone, right?“

Lilly looks very sad for a moment before she answers me. “Yes.”

“Anything?” I ask hopefully.

Lilly shakes her head.

“I'm only glad it was the summer break,” she says with a weary sigh, “otherwise we would never have been able to keep up with school work. I think we've exhausted each other.“

My face turns red.

Oh, no.

I can feel it rising up in my chest and I can't help but giggle.

Lilly look almost offended. “Hanako!”

That did it.

Now I'm laughing out loud, my head against Lilly's shoulder.

I bite down on my lip to stop my giggling.

“I-I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I can't....”

I start giggling again, with a very unladylike snort as well.

Lilly smirks and then joins in my laughter, trying to maintain her composure, a hand in front of her mouth.

“I hope your 'healthy adolescent sex drive' is still okay,“ I tease.

Lilly tries to hide it, but her face turns red and she has a little knowing smile on her face.

“Well, at this point it's more of a healthy 'adult' sex drive, wouldn't you say?“

“Be careful with Hisao, he has a condition.“

Lilly laughs. “There were a couple times when I think he was pushing himself a little too hard.“

I giggle, unable not to imagine it. “I would have liked to have been there and seen that.”

Lilly smiles at me and my face grows even more red, realizing what I just said.

“Really now?”

Though she can't see, Lilly seems to lock eyes with me, a little playful smirk on her lips and a tiny lilt to her brow.

My face is glowing, I know it. I can feel my cheeks change color.

“I-I mean, um, n-no, what I meant was....”

Oh, no, what do I do now?

My mind fills with all sorts of things I shouldn't be thinking about, but they all crash around my head like a stack of photographs thrown off a roof. Images of Lilly and Hisao doing things that make me go lightheaded and cause my heart too race uncontrollably.

“I-I-I'mgoingtogomakebreakfastnow!”

Straight backed, face red, I retreat from my own room. The last thing I see as I peek around the door is Lilly still smiling after me.

The way she's smiling only makes my cheeks burn brighter.

----------------------------------------

Part Three

[Ease]

An hour later Hisao and Lilly have left for work at Yamaku and I'm left alone in an empty house. I had planned on wasting the day between getting lost in a good book and playing some video games, but something Hisao said during breakfast convinces me to head into town. I can get some shopping done and Kenji may be at the Shanghai.

I convince myself the only reason I'm going to see him is to give him my opinion on his latest book.

It has nothing to do with the fact that I'd like to see him again.

I drive into town and park in front of the tiny Aura Mart.

It's not long after summer, but there's a chill wind in the air. My jacket and hat are enough to keep me warm, though.

I look in the rear view mirror for a moment at my face, contemplating what I'll do.

I push my mother's hat back on my head and tie my hair into a braid, clear from my eyes. I give myself a smile before I walk into the market.

I go up and down the alleys, picking up what we need at home from a small list. I feel a little bittersweet when I see Lilly's very careful and precise handwriting, practiced over so many years.

-Pregnancy Tests

How many more of these things will we need to pick up? I wonder.

I find where they're located and put a couple into my shopping basket.

That's when I notice I'm being watched.

At the other end of the alley, some guy in a windbreaker who I've never seen before is doing a poor job of hiding the fact that he's staring at me. His attempts aren't helped by the fact that he's the only guy in the ladies' aisle.

I have that old impulse to cover my face, but I still my hand. I realize my first impression was wrong.

He's not looking at my scars.

He's staring at my ass!

I give him a sour look just as our eyes meet, his eyes accidentally locking onto mine. He looks embarrassed, probably more from me thinking he was staring at my scars and not my rear.

He beats a hasty retreat, shoving an armful of tampons into his basket to look busy.

At first I'm a little disgusted, but then almost relieved.

It's a little nice to be stared at for the right reasons.

I pay for my groceries and store them in the car, getting my book bag out as I do. The Shanghai is only a little distance away so I decide to walk there.

The sun is warm, but the wind makes me shiver. I pull my jacket tight around my arms and stick close the buildings to avoid the bitter wind. A few people in town wave when they recognize me and I say hello back. I even catch up with a few of them when they ask me how my trip to Okinawa went. Nothing happens in a small town like this without news traveling fast, especially when you're involved with Yamaku.

I eventually find myself walking into the Shanghai at around lunch time. Scanning the tables, I can't help but smile when I see him hunched in his usual booth, surrounded by stacks of paper, a laptop and several open books in tiny piles scattered about the table. His nose is barely inches from the screen or the page he carefully pours over. He has so many of them that the pages and stacks of books flow over into another booth entirely. The wind may be cold outside, but that's no reason to wear a coat that heavy when it's still summer. With his distinctive scarf coiled around his neck several times, Kenji looks ready for winter months ahead of time.

[Out of The Loop]

“H-hello, Kenji,” I say a few feet before I reach his booth.

There's a flash of light in his over sized lenses and I swear I can see his ears twitch suspiciously at the sound of my voice

“Who is that?” he asks in a guarded tone, his hands lightly covering the text of the book he's been reading.

I hold back a giggle at his expense.

“It's me, Hanako.”

Kenji looks both relieved, pleased and surprised at the same time.

“Hanako? Oh, um, I wasn't expecting you today. I thought someone had followed me here.”

Kenji looks around the restaurant suspiciously.

“I can't be too careful. If my document got into the wrong hands, my publisher would have my head. Not to mention the damage it could do if these secrets got out before the world was ready for them. It's an unbearable burden.“

I'm used to the way Kenji talks by now. I always thought it was odd that he and Hisao had become such good friends since school. I know they lived right next to each other in the dorms, but I never thought they had that much in common. Still, the two of them are close and Kenji has spent enough time at home that his quirks don't really bother me any more.

Sometimes he can even be kind of cute.

“Well, you don't have to be worried about that. I have your draft right here, safe and sound.“

Kenji suddenly makes an alarmed, choking sound. He practically dives into one of the book bags on the seat next to him and digs around in it.

“What happened!? Did I drop it outside? Oh God, no! Did anyone read it!? Please tell me no one has read it!?“

A few of the other patrons turn from their meals and stare at Kenji in confusion.

“N-no!” I try to tell him in the same soothing voice I use to talk to one of my students. “Don't you remember? You let me borrow it so I could read it and let you know what I thought!“

Behind his glasses, Kenji's eyes practically glow with suspicion.

“That doesn't sound like me at all! Are you sure it was me who you were talking too?“

I blink.

“Who else could it have been?”

“I don't know! Maybe a clone, an imposter, a clever disguise! My Doppelganger! The possibilities are endless!“

“Then why would they have your draft?”

“Maybe they stole it from me!”

“And then they gave it to me to give back to you?”

Kenji scratches the stubble on his chin in deep thought.

“It is a treacherous plot, that much is true...”

Thankfully I remember Kenji himself had a plan if this happened.

“Well, when you gave me the draft, you told me to say 'Honeymuffin' to prove it was really me when I returned it.“

I'm not exactly sure what the password means. I told Hisao and he seemed to think it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

I didn't get it.

Kenji's eyes light up behind his thick glasses.

“Oh! Why didn't you say so? Then it must have been me! And that must have been you! Please, sit down.“

I take a look at the crowded booth, overflowing with papers and books.

Kenji notices my stare and his face turns a little red.

He grabs a handful of papers and shoves them under the booth with a loud crash, clearing a spot across from him

“There! That good?”

I nod and say 'thank you' as I sit down.

[Everyday Fantasy]

Kenji rearranges a few stacks of paper, clearing the table between us. He's practically inside his own little shrine surrounded by any and every possible reference material he may need, a tiny fortress of papers and loosely organized folders.

“I'm surprised your working on your book here in public. It must be hard to focus.“

Kenji shuts off his laptop and slips it into his bag, clearing the table.

“Nah, not really. It's actually better this way. My apartment may be under surveillance so I try to stay in public areas. That way no one will try and make a move on me.“

I look over at the second booth filled with more papers and stacks of books.

“Do they really let you take up two booths at the same time?“

Kenji shrugs and waves his hand, dismissing my question.

“Who knows? I usually end up buying a few meals while I'm here, so they don't mind. Speaking of which, what can I get for you?“

“Oh, you don't need to do that, Kenji.”

He smiles and leans back. He quickly readjusts his glasses to keep them from falling off his nose.

“Nonsense! I insist!”

He flags down a waitress and orders another drink for himself. I order a small lunch salad and Kenji tells her to put it on his tab.

I'm sure Kenji missed it, but I catch her rolling her eyes when he says that.

She walks away and Kenji follows her with his gaze, adjusting his glasses when she's out of range. I'm a little surprised and maybe a little jealous.

“See something else on the menu you like?” I ask him flatly.

Kenji turns back quickly, red in the face and focuses his attention on straightening a few sheets of paper in front of him.

“Oh, um, no! I mean, it's just that waitress. She kind of reminds me of someone I used to know. She...used to work here....“

I'm a little surprised by Kenji's tone. I can't tell with his glasses on, but he looks like he's looking off into the distance for a minute.

“You all right?” I ask a little sheepishly.

Kenji snaps out of it and sits up in the booth, snapping his fingers.

“Yea! Right! The draft! What did you think of it?”

Even for Kenji that was a quick change of subject. I decide to leave it alone.

“Well, to be honest I didn't understand most of it. It was very interesting, though. Confusing at first, but I liked the part about, um, what were they called, those big stones in England?“

“Oh, yea! If you think the Druids built those, you're fooling yourself! The truth is far more sinister, I can tell you! You just need to know where to look! It's all part of the conspiracy, Hanako! You'll see when my new book goes to print.“

He looks around the restaurant with a poignant glare.

“They'll all see...”

Kenji's books aren't really something I would pick up on my own to read. But he keeps writing them and getting published, so I assume they sell fairly well. Hisao has the whole set, in fact.

They do spend a lot of time on the shelf, though.

“I'm usually a fan of fiction, but they were very informative,“ I say, trying to think of a compliment.

Kenji seems very proud.

“Well, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Informing the public, getting the news out, blowing the lid off the greatest conspiracy our world has ever known! Showing the truth behind the lies and exposing the everyday tyranny around us! People need to know the truth! It's out there! The truth, I mean. Somewhere! I just haven't found it yet. But I will!“

The waitress returns with Kenji's drink and my lunch. We spend the next few minutes in silence, me eating and Kenji carefully reading an eerie looking and extremely old book he's been very careful to keep at arm's length and out of sight.

“I was a little confused, though,” I say between bites, “there were a lot of blacked out parts to it, like someone took half the book out.“

Kenji sighs and sets his drink down.

“That would be my publisher. She's a real hard case, you know? Keeps insisting on 'editing' and 'correcting' and 'fact finding' every little thing I write down! Won't let me show the pure truth to anyone! I turn in a thousand page manuscript and she hacks it down to a three-hundred page pamphlet. It's a little disheartening that all of my best writing is left on the cutting room floor. She say's it's because of 'legal repercussions' and 'lawsuits' and 'class action' nonsense. Phffff! I suspect she may be an enemy agent sent as a mole to stop me!“

I can't help but smile. I don't blame Kenji's publisher. If his written ramblings are anything like his verbal ones, I suspect that she's looking out for what's best for Kenji. He'd never think of that, though.

“Enough about me, how have you been doing? Enjoyed your trip?“ Kenji asks.

I put my fork down and set my empty plate aside.

“I did! I spent most of my time on Okinawa Honto, but I visited a few of the smaller islands as well. I saw Shuri Castle and ate at this great place called Restaurant Suimui. They had the best brown sugar sherbet! I spent a lot of time at Shikinaen Gardens too and picked up some pottery in Tsuboya as a gift for Lilly and Hisao. I even spent some time in the American Village. That was really neat! A little weird, too. It made me think about going to America next year.“

“America?” Kenji seems surprised by my enthusiasm. “That's...an awful distance to go alone.”

I can't help but smile over the sound of concern in his voice.

“I wouldn't plan on going alone, silly. I'd definitely want to share the trip with someone. Who, I'm not sure....,“ I say suggestively.

Kenji rubs the back of his neck.

“Well, yea, of course. Going with someone would be a lot safer and fun too, I guess. Maybe you could...maybe get Hisao and Lilly to come along, that could be fun. If they get the time off, I guess. Hisao says he'd like to see America at least once and Lilly is half foreign, so she'd fit right in.“

I smirk a little at Kenji's expense.

That's all right, I think, you can take your time.

Kenji latches onto the change of subject quickly to save himself any further embarrassment.

“So how are Hisao and Lilly doing? Haven't seen him recently with the school year starting up.“

“They're doing good. That reminds me; Hisao says 'hello' and he'll expect you two weeks for Manly Picnic.“

Kenji's grips his fist victoriously with a look of eager anticipation on his face.

“Great! I was wondering what he was planning.”

“Lilly says that you're not allowed to make a mess this time, though. You have to clean up after yourselves.“

Kenji look a little put off by Lilly's stipulation.

“You can't say something like that! Manly Picnic is not something you can plan out! You never know what could happen! The weather, death and Manly Picnic are the things in life you can never predict! People could die! It's like a earthquake! And if Lilly is talking about the front door, that wasn't my fault at all. Hisao was the one who wanted a drawbridge for the fort!“

“Rules are rules,” I say cooly.

Kenji groans, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Alright, fine. So what else have the two of them been up to besides ruining time honored traditions?“

[Stride]

The inconsequential small talk stops dead in my throat.

“Well, they....”

I'm not sure what I should say. Everything is great right now, but the one thing that comes to mind is the only thing I can think to mention.

“L-Lilly and Hisao have been having some t-trouble recently....“

Kenji squints, making him look like a rat concentrating very hard.

“Marriage trouble?” he says doubtfully.

“No.”

The idea seems ridiculous to both of us.

“Then it isn't....um, 'bedroom trouble'?” Kenji says carefully.

I'm a little embarrassed at first because now the only thing I can think about is Hisao and Lilly in the bedroom for the second time in the same day!

“O-oh, no. N-Not at all,” I say sheepishly, my hand hovering over my burning cheek.

“No problems there. At least that I know of. Wh-which I wouldn't, of course.”

“Then it must be baby problems, right?”

I'm surprised Kenji would know anything about it and I ask him how he knew.

He shrugs, looking a bit uncomfortable.

“Last time me and Hisao got together it's all he talked about after he had a couple bottles in him. He seemed pretty worried it was his fault. I told him he should see a doctor if it was worrying him that much, but he ignored me. Even got a little pissed off at me. I guess it's no secret, but he hates doctors.“

I nod, looking down at the table between me and Kenji.

Of course Hisao hates doctors. One of the reasons he's so careful and attentive to his health nowadays is so he can avoid them at all costs.

“They say they're all right, but I really think it's bothering both of them a lot.“

Kenji nods, fingers in a thoughtful steeple in front of him.

“You know, he didn't listen to me when I suggested the doctor to him. Maybe you'd have a better chance of convincing him or get Lilly to do it. This isn't something he should just ignore. If there's a real problem, he should get it checked out.“

I think about it for a while before nodding.

“Yeah, I guess. You're right, Kenji. I really should talk to Hisao about it soon. Both he and Lilly should see a doctor.“

I smile up at him.

“You're a good friend, Kenji. Lilly was just saying how mature you've become.”

Kenji smiles back at me warmly.

“Nah, just looking out for my bro. But you're a lot better at this sort of thing than I am, Hanako. If anyone can convince Hisao and Lilly to do the right thing, it's you. You should hear the things Hisao says about you.“

Surprised, I stare at Kenji and watch him for a while for any sign of exaggeration.

“What does he says about me?” I finally ask.

“Well, I know how important you are to him. He's even said that a life without you would be no life at all.“

My face turns red and despite my best efforts, I can't help but look away, embarrassment painted all over my face.

“H-Hisao really said that about m-me?”

“Yeah, he said Lilly thought the same thing, that their marriage wouldn't be the same if you weren't involved.“

I feel a little light headed and my heart pounds in my chest. I take a few minutes to breathe slowly, calming myself down before I get worked into a panic.

“Th-that's good. Did he s-say anything else about me?“

Kenji thinks for a moment and look like he's going to say something, but then clamps his mouth shut again.

“What is it?”

Kenji shakes his head. “Sorry Hanako, can't say. The law of Manly Picnic binds me with bonds of brotherhood. Trust me, though. You're really special to Lilly and Hisao. They love you more than I can say.“

My smile is wide enough to make my cheeks hurt.

“So,” Kenji continues on as if nothing happened, “tell me more about your trip to Okinawa. It sounds fascinating.“

Part Four

[Raindrops and Puddles]

I spend another hour with Kenji at the Shanghei talking. He tried to explain the connections between all of his books and their wild speculations, but I still don't understand completely.

"It gets a lot clearer in my next book", he said. "'The Tyranny of Goddess Worship, The Illuminati and You!!!' Great title, I know."

Now I know why Hisao was so concerned when he learned that I was having lunch with Kenji. He can be dangerous in large doses.

I head back home and kill some time reading a book, finish up a few chores that need doing and waste a couple hours with a video game, feeling pretty cozy in my big sweater. I'm not really able to focus though. I keep running through my head how I could bring up the subject of going to a doctor to Hisao and Lilly. I'm not even sure if they've talked about it between themselves yet. If they have they didn't mention it to me. The last thing I want to do is intrude in their personal business.

The day slowly passes on. Hisao is late by almost two hours when he pulls into the driveway. By then the nice summer day has been replaced by night and a strong downpour of rain.

Coming through the door, he looks tired and weary after the first day of school, his long jacket drenched in water.

“You look awful,” I say sympathetically.

Hisao gives me a tired smile and tosses his wet book bag and jacket onto the ground, throwing himself onto the sofa next to me. Legs hanging over the armrest, he rests his head on my lap and closes his eyes, sighing deeply.

I completely forgot what I was going to say next.

“That was not the most pleasant day,” he says, stretching his neck to find a comfortable position.

I pat him on the head and twist one of his messy cowlicks through my fingers.

“What happened?”

Hisao blows air through his lips making a rude sound.

“Shizune is what happened. She hounded me all day! I forgot to hand in my class list along with the student profiles. I sent them both in a week ago, but I didn't get the last of the profiles until after the list had been finalized! I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to send them in at separate times, but don't try to tell her that!“

He sighs, his cheek resting against my knee.

“I think it's a blessing Shizune can't talk. If I had to listen to both her and Misha go on all day, one in each ear, I don't know what I'd do! I'm a science teacher! I can make things!“

He looks up at me with mock, wild eyes.

“Things that explode!“

He turns away but then looks back up at me with a sidelong glance.

“Don't tell anyone I said that.”

I giggle and stroke Hisao's head.

“Of course not. So where's Lilly?”

“Ah, yes, Lilly. Seems she got roped into helping their Royal Majesties, The Queens of Yamaku with some left over schoolwork. Which is a real pain in the ass. If I didn't know better, I'd think that Shizune and Misha were intentionally trying to keep me and Lilly apart. We were both ready to get home, head upstairs, hop into bed and tear...“ Hisao stops, his eyes going wide.

He quickly sits up and coughs into his fist.

“Um, yea.”

I can't help but bite my lip to still myself, trying to keep myself from blushing.

“I see.”

Quickly recovering, Hisao changes the subject.

“Anyway, Misha and Shizune will be driving Lilly home, but not for a while now. Lilly insisted I head home and get dinner ready.“

“I can help with that. But do you have time for a game first?“

Hisao smiles back at me.

“You're on.”

We set up the chess board with practiced ease. A coin flip later and I'm white. I take a few minutes to consider my opening move. Hisao and I have played chess so many times, we know each others style intimately. His greatest weakness is he's too timid, he doesn't take the initiative and lets too many opportunities pass when he should capitalize on them. We both know I'm the better player, but the longer the game goes, the better chance he has to win. I usually try capture as many high ranking pieces as possible with little concern to the loss of my own. I know he won't be able to react fast enough to make up for the initial loss. This time though I take my time, preferring a more conservative tactic.

I'll need all the time I can get to work up the courage to say what I have to say.

A half hour into the game I have three of his pawns and a bishop sitting on my side of the board. Hisao has one pawn and a knight. He takes a particularly long time staring at my rook a few spaces from his queen, locking her in the corner between his own line of pawns and the edge of the board.

“So Hisao...?”

“Hm?” he mumbles, chin in his hands and his eyes whittled down to tiny dots.

“I talked to Kenji today at the Shanghai.”

“That's good,” he says distractedly, “how is he doing?”

“Good. His book is coming along. He seemed a little concerned about you, though.“

Hisao looks up from the board.

“Really? About what?”

I match Hisao's eyes and take a moment to clear my head.

“He made it sound like you were upset the last time you two saw each other. He asked me if there was anything going on at home.“

[Breathlessly]

Hisao's eyes narrow suspiciously.

“What exactly did he say?”

“Only that you were upset about the trouble you and Lilly have been having with trying to have a baby.“

For a moment Hisao has a little bit of a blank look on his face, almost a relieved expression.

I think back to what Kenji said and what he wouldn't say.

Is something else going on between Lilly and Hisao I'm not aware of?

Hisao's eyes go back to that defensive glare, studying the pieces on the board.

“Kenji talks too much and says barely anything. It's none of his business what goes on between me and Lilly.“

Hisao moves his queen fast and sets her on the board, making the pieces shudder as he does.

Hasty move, Hisao, I think as I take his queen.

He seems less upset about the loss than the topic at hand.

“He's only concerned, just like me. You're the one who told me you're worried it might be because of something wrong with you.“

Hisao's lips tighten into a grim line, but he doesn't look up from the board.

“Well, there's not much I can do about that, is there? Can't really stop taking my medication, right?“

I give him a few seconds before I speak again in a calm and level voice.

“Perhaps if you're so concerned you should consider talking to Lilly about going to a doctor.“

Hisao looks up at me with a decidedly unfriendly gleam in his eyes.

“I hate doctors.”

“I know you do, but if there is something wrong, maybe it can be fixed. It would probably be the best thing for the two of you. We're only concerned for you.”

My tone and words only make him angrier. With a violent start he pushes away from the table, toppling his queen on my side of the board.

“Don't treat me like that, Hanako! I am not one of your students for you to coddle!”

The words and tone are a slap in the face, but I don't let him see me flinch. I only meet his eyes and force his full attention on me.

“If you're going to be angry, you should at least do something about it. It's been almost half a year now. With how careful you are with your health, I'm surprised you would let something like this freeze you into inaction.“

I pause and drop my eyes.

“I'm even a little disappointed in you.“

Hisao's eyes go wide, surprised either by my words or how much they affect him. I know it was a manipulative thing to do and I regret saying it.

For a moment it looks like he has something sharp to say back to me, but he bites his tongue.

We stare at each other, locking eyes for a few tense moments.

He's the one who breaks off first, looking away to avoid my disapproving gaze. He doesn't like losing and he steps away from the table and stalks towards the window, looking outside at the falling rain so he doesn't have to look at me.

Angry, he stands perfectly still, just breathing, his hand clenched into a fist. I calmly wait for him to come back to the chess board or be the first one to talk.

A few minutes pass in tense silence. With a sigh, he drops his shoulders and shakes his arm, the muscles clenched tightly.

“You're right, Hanako,” he says.

I sigh in relief, steadying my own shaking hands.

“You're right,” he says, resting his forehead against the glass, the cold, wet night outside.

“Lilly said the same thing, but I've fought it every time she brought the issue up. I just don't...want to know what's wrong. If I can't name it, then it's somehow still not my fault. If I had known I would have had that first heart attack, I probably still wouldn't have gone to the doctors.“

He looks more tired and miserable than before it that's even possible.

“I've fought my own body for so long. I'm just tired. I hate my own weakness.“

I stand up and walk over to Hisao, putting my arms around his chest and resting my head against his back. I can hear his heartbeat, loud and deafening, thumping out of his shoulder blades like a drum beat.

“You are not weak, Hisao. You overcame your heart and you'll do the same here.“

Hisao chuckles bitterly, the movement passing into me as he does, his tired face reflected in the raindrop spattered window.

“Problems in the chest and problems in the pants. I better call Rin and tell her to add me to her collection.“

“Hisao it doesn't make you any less of a man. You're the strongest person I know.“

He stares out the window.

“Only because I have Lilly.”

He turns around and faces me with a sad smile.

“And you.”

I'm taken aback by his sincerity.

“I-I'm not as strong as you are,” I say, looking away.

Hisao puts his hands on my shoulders.

Gosh, he's tall.

“Yes, you are, Hanako. I wish I was as strong as you are. Everything you've gone through and accomplished on your own; I wish I had half your drive and determination.“

His hands move off my shoulder and cups my face, his rough palms warm against my cheeks.

“It took guts to talk to me like you did back there, to give me a slap in the face when I needed it. You've grown into a very strong and beautiful woman, Hanako.“

[Moment of Decision]

I don't even notice how hot I feel. All I can see are his kind eyes filled with admiration and feel my arms around him.

“Do you ever think about the past, Hanako?”

“Wh-what do you m-mean?” I stammer.

“I mean, have you ever thought how easily things could have been different? What if I had never gone running after Lilly at the airport? What if I didn't have that heart attack and stopped her from getting on that plane? What if it had just been me and you after that?“

“N-n-no.”

I'm lying.

I think about it a lot.

“I do sometimes,” Hisao says.

"I think if things had ended up differently, I would have been very happy being with you.“

My heart explodes like a bomb in my chest!

My mind goes blank and white!

Before I even realize what I'm doing, I've pushed Hisao back against the window, wrapped my arms around his neck and I'm kissing him.

Not on the cheek, not on the head, not just off to the side of the lips.

I'm kissing Hisao!

It's the most wonderful thing I've ever done!

He tastes like expensive Scotch and smells like leather and chalk dust. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end when I touch our tongues together, the warmth pouring out of him and into me, filling me up till I'm overflowing and I feel like I'm going to burst. I steal his breath and hoard it for myself, savoring every sensation running through my body.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that this is my first kiss.

I hold him for as long as I can, my hands twisted into his shirt, his hands wrapping around me and circling me before he kisses me back. I can feel the heat rising up in my body and I'm afraid I'll burst into flames in his arms!

My lungs scream for air but I ignore them.

I run my fingers through his hair and tightly grab hold.

I've wanted to do that for so long!

I don't want this to end!

I never want this to end!

By the time I'm floating back down from my tip toes, Hisao's hands are on either side of my hips, holding me steady as I settle back on my feet.

We're both gasping for air and a line of saliva is still connecting our lips together.

I look up into his eyes. He has a wide and surprised look on his face like it was the first time he had ever seen me.

I've never felt this happy before.

He whispers my name and the sound of it on his lips is more than I can describe.

I am Hanako.

[Caged Heart]

I am not Lilly.

A chill runs up my back and a feeling of revulsion sets into my stomach, twisting it into knots and making my blood run cold. I want to throw up. My lips itch and I want to tear them off! I rub at them furiously to make the filth in my mouth go away!

I am not Lilly!

“You need to pick her up,” I whisper, my hands covering my suddenly horrified expression.

Hisao looks even more confused than before, if that's possible.

“What?”

“You need to pick Lilly up! You need to bring her home right now!“

I wrench myself away from Hisao and run towards the stairs.

“Hanako! Wait!” he shouts after me, trying to follow.

“Stay away from me!” I scream, tripping and running up the stairs.

I can feel the tears in my eyes and they blind me like molten lead poured into my pounding skull. I tumble down the dark hall, bruising my arms and shoulders as I hurtle past doors and a side table. It trips me and I fall down on my face. I scramble back onto my feet, already propelling myself onwards, using my hands to crawl. I slam into my door and shut it behind me, hard enough to shake the house.

I lock it and frantically shove a dresser in front of the door as I barricade myself in the room before I slide under my bed to hide.

Not to keep Hisao out, but to keep me in.

I curl up around myself, arms wrapped tightly around my shivering body. I haven't even started crying yet, only managing to make shocked, gasping sounds as I try to breathe. My throat howls and burns, but I can barely make a sound.

I pull a pillow close and bury my face in it as I scream and scream and scream.

What have I done!?

----------------------------------------

Part Five

[Painful History]

I dimly remember hearing the car drive away soon after I fled to my room. I spend the next several hours in the midst of the worse panic attack I've had in years, shivering and paralyzed under my bed, insensate to the world around.

When I finally come back to myself, it's early morning and the house is very still and silent. I'm torn on what to do. I want to get out as fast as possible, but I can't risk running into Hisao.

Or Lilly.

Oh, God, I've destroyed my family!

I sneak out of the house and head to Yamaku. I still have to go to school. I'm only glad the work load is light. It's rare to have more than a few kids who need my help at the beginning of the year. I go through the motions, listening and counseling, getting their background and filing it away for later.

Inside though, I'm screaming.

I avoid the areas of Yamaku that Hisao and Lilly work and frequent in.

I take my lunch in my office.

I don't go to the Tea Room, that would be suicide.

The next few days are a blur to me. Go to work early and stay late enough and you can spend the whole day avoiding someone. I only head home when I know Hisao and Lilly will already be in bed. The third night they stay up late, a light on in the kitchen, so I drive back to Yamaku and sleep in my car in the parking lot.

Eventually though I run into Lilly.

I'm leaving Shizune's office four days later after telling her about a student I'm concerned may bring some harm to herself when I nearly bump into Lilly in the hall.

I try not to hold it in, but I gasp and she hears me.

“Hanako? Goodness, where have you been? We've been so worried about you! We stayed up late last night, but you never showed.“

I clamp my mouth shut and for a minute entertain the idea that, if I stay perfectly still and don't talk, Lilly will eventually forget I'm standing right in front of her.

My plan fails and I'm forced to talk to her.

“J-j-just busy with w-w-wor-work,” I stammer.

Lilly's face drops into an alarmed and sad expression.

Please don't look at me like that, I think, unable to meet her eyes. I don't deserve your sympathy.

“Hanako, what's wrong? Is something the matter? Hisao and I haven't seen you in days!“

My teeth grind in my skull and I want to bolt and run down the halls, screaming at the top of my lungs.

Hisao didn't say what happened? Why didn't he tell Lilly?

Is he as upset as I am over what I did?

No, that can't be. If he were upset about it, Lilly would have noticed by now.

Maybe he wants to keep it a secret from Lilly as much as I do?

Oh God, he hates me now!

Without me replying, Lilly continues to talk.

“Are you upset over what happened a few days ago?”

My knees shake and I feel myself losing control, my heart racing.

“Hisao says he's sorry that he talked to you that way. We both think your right, though. We've set up an appointment with a friend of the Nurse who works at the hospital's fertility clinic. We...we're going in to see if something is wrong.“

I calm down a little, but just barely.

“I'm n-n-not upset about th-that. I've just b-been tired. T-trip and w-work and everything. Sorry I haven't been h-h-home lately.“

Lilly looks sad and worried as she begins to nervously play with her sweater between her long fingers.

“If you're not too busy though, I was wondering...I was hoping you would...go with us?“

She sighs and steels herself, speaking in a low whisper.

“I could really use your support.”

I want to cry and throw myself in Lilly's arms and confess everything.

I'm not your friend, I want to scream! I'm a terrible person! I love you and I love Hisao and I kissed him and I've ruined everything!

“I'll be th-there if you r-really want me too.”

Lilly smiles at me and she breaks my heart all over again.

“Thank you, Hanako. I knew I could count on you.”

She opens her arms towards me but I can't bring myself to embrace her, no matter how much I really want to.

“I-I have to get going.”

I turn around and walk away, the image of Lilly hurt and waiting for me still in my mind.

----------------------------------------

[Damage]

The tiny office is too cramped between all the equipment, the examination table, Hisao and myself. We sit in cheap plastic chairs across from each other. My face is buried in a book, but every so often I look up across at him for some sign of emotion.

Hisao looks blank. He looks almost dead.

I'm not sure if it's because of me or because Lilly is taking so long.

Hisao was in and out of his tests in less than an hour. Lilly is going on three now.

Nearby, the sounds of the hospital buzz and beep, the intercom crackling nonsensically and everything else that goes along with the sterile walls of the building.

I'm not sure who's more uncomfortable, Hisao or myself. Almost everything he sees and hears makes him blanch and go white. While we were walking down one of the blank, green halls, the voice over the loudspeaker called a blue alert and I thought Hisao was going to have his own heart attack in the hall.

I look back up at him, careful to avoid his eyes.

Why doesn't he say something? Is he so concerned over the tests that he's completely forgotten about what happened?

I hope so.

I wish I could.

[Ah Eh I Oh Yu]

The door opens and the Nurse steps in, though he hasn't been just a nurse for a few years. He's older now, but other than a few grays on the side, he still has that youthfully rough exterior and that winning smile of his.

“Heart Attack! Good to see you, my man! How's the ticker doing?”

Hisao looks grateful for the distraction. He stands and gives Nurse a strong handshake which changes into a brotherly hug between the two.

“Still alive, aren't I? Doctor, thank you for doing this for me and Lilly.”

“Hisao,” Nurse says with a reproachful tone, “we've known each other for too long for titles.”

Hisao smiles and nods sheepishly.

“Yea, okay, Nurse.”

Nurse turns towards me and turns that bright smile on.

“Hanako, you're looking great! How have you been?”

I nod meekly.

“I've been all right,“ I lie.

“Good to hear, good to hear,” Nurse says, filling space with words, his smile faltering for only a second.

He turns back to Hisao. “You heard from Mutou?”

Hisao shakes his head. “Other than a few letters, he's still up north at university. From the sound of it though he's gotten really into the work up there.“

“Glad to hear. Next time he comes down we should get together, invite Kenji and have a card game like old times.“

Hisao smiles and it's the first time he looks as if he's not being eaten up from the inside with worry. “I will. How have you and Meiko been?”

Nurse smiles broadly and rubs the back of his neck. “Just had our five year anniversary.”

“Still not married though?”

Nurse laughs and there's a glint in his eyes. “Talk to Emi about that.”

Hisao nods. “Well, that's interesting. So how come you're trying to distract me with small talk?“

Nurse's smile goes flat. I can't help but sink into my chair a little and hide behind my book.

Hisao gives him a less than good nature poke in the chest.

“I've spent years in hospitals, Nurse, and I've hated every minute of it. I know all the code words you medical professionals use and exactly how you distract someone from asking the wrong questions.“

Hisao gets a very serious look in his eyes.

“Where's my wife, Nurse?”

[Shadow Of The Truth]

Nurse looks like he's searching for the right words.

“We had to wait for a few additional tests on Lilly.“

“What kind of tests?”

Nurse's lips are sealed.

“Nurse, I am not above slugging you in the face. Where is my wife?“

Nurse look as if he's weighing the benefits of keeping quite and getting his face rearranged by Hisao.

I try to speak up and it takes a while for the words to come out properly.

“H-Hisao, he's just trying to d-do his job.”

Hisao glances at me and I shrink back from his eyes.

“Nurse, where is my wife?” Hisao demands again.

It looks like Nurse has finally come to a decision because he gives a long sigh before he begins talking.

“They were doing a pelvic exam and they noticed something wrong. After an ultrasound the doctors found...several dark spots. They're doing more tests to find out what they are.“

Hisao turns pale when Nurse starts talking and I can feel the color drain out of my own face as well.

Hisao collects himself after a moment. “What...what could it be?”

Nurse weighs his options. “Well it could be anything. Maybe just a mistake on the ultrasound.“

“Or?” Hisao prompts.

Nurse hesitates and he puts a hand on Hisao's shoulder. “You're my friend Hisao, so I won't lie to you or use doctor speak. Even if I did you wouldn't appreciate it. Some of the tests are back in already. It could be anything from nothing to just a few fibrous tumors. The doctor's are concerned though. It could be...cancer, as well.“

Cancer.

An ugly word. A word you don't want to be in the same room with.

I cover my face with my hands to stifle my gasp. Hisao has a shattered, broken look in his eyes.

“Where is Lilly?”

“She's in the middle of some tests, Hisao, I can't allow you to see her right now.“

Hisao grabs Nurse by both coat lapels and pulls him close.

“Take me to her right now!”

----------------------------------------

Part Six

[Breathlessly]

An hour later we're all sitting back in the office, Hisao, Lilly and myself. Lilly hasn't said anything since she got back. She just sits next to Hisao and holds his hands in her own, gently trailing her fingers across his palms soothingly.

“Hisao, you need to calm down. Think of your heart...”

Lilly doesn't seem troubled in the least by all that's happened. She sits quietly next to Hisao, a light smile on her face, comforting him rather than the other way around. After thinking the problem was with himself for so long, the news must have been doubly hard for Hisao to take. I can see in his eyes he would have wanted any other possibility than this one to take place. He wishes he had an easy way out of the impossible situation he finds himself in.

I can sympathize.

I sit across the room from the two of them, awkward and feeling like a third wheel. There's nothing more I want to do than run across to the two of them and hold onto them as tight as I can.

But I don't.

I stop myself and bury my face in a book.

I don't want to be here. I don't want this to be happening.

I want to go find the library and hide in a corner.

Hisao was wrong. Even after all these years, I'm still weak.

And now I've come between the two of them.

Everything in my life is coming crashing down and I'm quietly reading a book while it all falls apart.

The door clicks open and Nurse walks in, shutting the door behind him as silently as possible.

“Hello, everyone. I'm sorry for the wait.” He gestures with the folder in his hands. “Test results are back.”

We're surprised to see Nurse here.

“What about your friend? Shouldn't she be here?” Lilly asks.

“She...thought it would be best if I delivered the news to you personally.“

Hisao holds tightly to Lilly's hand, like he's going to fall off a cliff.

”What does it say, Nurse?” she asks, her tone level.

Nurse pulls up a chair and sits against the far wall, facing all three of us.

“While I do have some bad news, I also have some good news to go along with it.“

Hisao takes a deep breath. Lilly runs her fingers through his hair and I look up from my book.

“First of all, it's not cancer. The dark spots are clusters of fibroid tumors and they're benign.“

I breathe a sigh of relief along with Hisao. Lilly takes it in stride as if she knew the entire time, wrapping an arm around Hisao to support him.

“And the bad news, Nurse?” she asks.

How can she be so calm? I wonder. Even in the middle of this nightmare, Lilly still retains that majestic aura about her. If she knew the half of it, would she still be so serene?

I'm reminded about how much I used to idolize Lilly. In some ways I still do.

And now I've broken her heart and she doesn't know it yet.

Nurse takes a moment for his news to sink in before he begins talking.

“The bad news is they are extensive. They've caused a lot of scarring, which is why the two of you have been having so much trouble conceiving. The tumors could be removed during operation, but I'm afraid that the damage is already done.“

“How bad is it?” Hisao asks reluctantly.

Nurse massages the bridge of his nose. “Very bad. Permanent. I'm sorry. Even if Lilly does become pregnant, with the amount of scarring we're talking about here, there would be almost no chance of safely keeping the fetus for the full pregnancy. The likelihood of a miscarriage would be very great. Great enough that...it would probably be best for you if you didn't try to have a child anymore. The complications could become dangerous."

Lilly puts a hand over her mouth in shock, the only sign she gives that Nurse's words trouble her.

I listen to the conversation on my side of the room silently, my hands shaking. I already broke the cover of my hardback and the book lies limply in my fingers.

This isn't fair.

None of this is fair!

Nurse keeps talking and Hisao and Lilly ask questions, but I don't catch or understand half of what they're saying. Even if I did, what would be the point? There isn't a thing I can do to help.

The questions stop and no one says anything for the longest time. Eventually, Lilly speaks up.

“Thank you, Nurse for helping us through this. We greatly appreciate it.“

Lilly turns to Hisao and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Hisao, I would like to go home now.”

Hisao thanks Nurse hastily and takes Lilly's arm, the two of them leaving. I'm left in the office with Nurse, awkward silence left behind as well.

Nurse turns to me with a hopeless expression. “Will they be all right?”

I don't know how to answer that.

----------------------------------------

The car ride home is totally silent except for the humming of the wheels.

Hisao drives, Lilly sits next to him and I'm in the back seat, although I might as well be a hundred miles from the two of them. No one says a word about what just happened. With everything that has been going on, it's as if the last week hasn't even been real to me.

I look down at the book clutched in my hands. I'm reading 'Alice in Wonderland' again and I can relate to poor Alice as she stumbles through a world of bright and happy colors with a dark and twisted core. I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole myself and everything around me is paper thin, as if I could poke and tear through the false scenery around me, slip into the background and never find my way out again.

The house waits silently for us when we arrive. It's seen a lot these past few weeks and joins us in our misery.

We enter and sit down in the living room, nothing moving except the dust lazily circling the disturbed air.

Lilly looks up and with a measured tone speaks to me.

“Hanako, I could use a cup of tea. Would you be a dear and get it ready?“

“Of course, Lilly.”

I head into the kitchen and busy myself with the boiling water and tea bags as fast as I can. I come back out with the tray and set it on the table. I begin pouring the tea, but Lilly stops me.

“That's all right, Hanako, I can pour. Thank you very much.“

I nod and step back, sitting in my chair again.

Hisao is leaning back in the sofa, his eyes closed, fingers rubbing at his forehead in distress.

Lilly goes about the practiced movements, pouring tea, checking the levels with her fingertips, gently measuring how much to put in each cup, face serene in the normalcy and the familiar movements.

She moves the tea pot over Hisao's cup, the tiny spout catching the handle and knocking it over with a tiny clatter of porcelain. A bit of tea spills out onto the table.

I'm about to use a towel to clean the small spill when I see Lilly's hands begin to shake.

[Cold Iron]

I look up and see Lilly's faded, blue eyes staring sightlessly ahead, tears welling up and over. Her mouth quivers uncontrollably and before Hisao or I can react, Lilly smashes the tea pot into the table, shattering the set and sending bits of porcelain flying everywhere, tea spilling out over the carpet. I scream and turn away from the hot tea which splashes my arm and burns me.

Lilly's hands are cut and sliced from the porcelain chips, blood and tea mixing freely, livid red marks all over her fingers from where the scalding hot liquid already begins to blister and burn. Hisao and I are frozen in inaction as she pulls her hands away from the mess and grips the sides of her head, fingers coiled in her golden hair, her face contorted. Her shoulders shake and her breathing is ragged.

I hear a sound coming from her which at first I don't recognize.

Lilly begins keening which quickly turns into a scream of frustration.

No, not a scream.

A shriek, a wail, a howl out of a black pit of anguish and loneliness, a place I know and recognize.

Every nerve in my body rebels against the sound coming from out of Lilly and it paralyzes me.

Hisao reacts first, nearly throwing himself onto her, pinning her to the couch. She kicks, cries and screams at him, pushing and clawing with her bleeding fingers, scratching him wildly with her long, carefully painted nails.

“No! It's not fair! It isn't fair!”

"Lilly! Lilly, stop!" Hisao shouts.

Lilly wildly fights against Hisao who wraps his arms as tightly and as lovingly as he can manage around her, pleading for her to stop. Lilly pounds weakly at his chest with her balled fists, her eyes staring blankly, tears running down her face freely.

My knees quake in terror and I can't stop shaking as I watch the two of them wrestle, Hisao trying to calm Lilly down, trying to speak to her, while she keeps crying and sobbing inconsolably, Hisao holding her wrists tightly to keep her from hurting herself. I'm rooted to the chair, unable to react or move in any helpful way.

I never thought I would ever see Lilly like this! Her calm exterior has been shattered and replaced with a wild misery I never knew possible.

I've helped students deal with this kind of pain before, when their own bodies rebel against them. But never with someone so close to me, who I once relied on for the very same reasons.

I want to run, screaming from the room, plug my ears and try to ignore Lilly's crying, but I know I can't.

I tear myself from the chair and step around the small table, approaching Lilly and Hisao, joining Hisao's struggle against his wife. I wrap Lilly in a hug, her height and frantic state giving her a steely strength I have to fight against. Hisao and I hold Lilly as she cries and screams in heartbreaking frustration, holding her still with our own bodies, waiting for her to calm down and tire herself out.

I catch Hisao's eyes as we both hug Lilly, she falling limply against Hisao's chest and weeping into his shirt.

The look in his eyes is the same look he had that night Lilly left for Scotland.

Hopeless, broken, inconsolable.

Then, like now, there's nothing I can do to change that.

----------------------------------------

It takes Hisao and me a half hour of holding Lilly before she goes slack against us. Breathing steadily, she falls asleep out of pure exhaustion.

I fetch the first aid kit from the kitchen and Hisao uses it to clean Lilly's hands, using a pair of tweezers to remove the slivers of porcelain from her cuts and treating the tips of her burned fingers. He does everything very slowly so as not to hurt her, each movement slow and methodical, driven by care and concern. Still, his face has that pained, agonized expression and his eyes have a glossed over look to them as he works.

I clean the table and the carpet and we work in total silence. We don't say a word to each other, our work gratefully taking all of our attention. When we do help each other, it's silently and with as little interaction as possible. Even as he helps me wrap the burns on my arm we don't talk.

With the mess cleaned and Lilly taken care of, Hisao picks her up his his arms. She clings weakly to his chest as he carries his burden, his broken heart adding to the weight he has to carry.

I open the door to their bedroom and Hisao enters to put Lilly in bed.

I don't dare enter myself.

There's something about their bedroom I try to avoid. Like it's sacred or forbidden for me to even step through the door frame. We've lived together for years and I've only been in their room a few times and always invited for a specific reason, to help Lilly in the morning or for cleaning.

With everything that's happened recently, the oppressive atmosphere keeping me out is redoubled. I hesitate at the threshold, watching Hisao tucks Lilly into their bed, troubled concern in every measured move he makes. She still shakes and her cheeks are stained with tears.

Hisao walks back to the door and stands on the other side from me.

“H-Hisao, c-can we talk...?”

Hisao looks at me miserably. Not blaming me or judging me, just consumed by sadness.

“No, Hanako. We can't talk.”

He slowly shuts the door and I'm left staring at another new barrier between me and them.

I go downstairs, switch on the television, turn the volume up a little high and I cry into a pillow.

----------------------------------------

Part Seven

Over the next several days, Hisao and I take turns staying at home to keep Lilly company. Neither of us say it, but I get the idea Hisao might be worried Lilly could hurt herself, accidentally or otherwise.

Both he and I contact Shizune and explain the situation to her and Misha. The two of them tell us to take as much time off work as needed.

When Lilly is awake, she's silent, sitting up in bed, her bandaged hands folded on her lap. She feeds herself, she drinks tea and she sleeps, but she never talks. Hisao lies in bed with her and the two of them just hold each other. When I watch Lilly I sit in a chair, sometimes with a book. I do very little reading and I usually end up doing nothing more than hold onto it.

I'm not comfortable in their bedroom.

On the fifth day I leave to answer the phone, Lilly asleep in the bed. It's Hisao calling from Yamaku. He asks all the same questions he has been the last several days when he heads into work; How is Lilly? Is she eating? Has she said anything?

I give him all the same answers as every time before and none of them are what he wants to hear.

He thanks me and hangs up.

I want to scream and slam the phone into the receiver and smash it into little, tiny pieces. Every time I have a chance to talk to him I screw it up. I end up passing by every opportunity and things just keep getting worse and worse.

[Friendship]

Going back to the bedroom, I'm surprised to find Lilly standing in front of the open window wearing her clingy night robe, her hair unbound and moving through the breeze.

“L-Lilly?”

She turns towards me and she smiles like she used too.

“Hanako, hello. Tell me, what time is it?”

“It's just after lunch.”

“Hm. I thought I was getting hungry.”

I stand outside the room looking in through the door.

“Are y-you okay?”

Lilly thinks about it for a while before answering.

“I think I am now.”

She waits for me to come closer.

When I don't, she smiles at me and curls her long fingers, beckoning me into the room.

“Hanako, dear, you don't have to stand in the doorway. Come in, please. I just wanted some fresh air in here, that's all. I'm glad your back; I've become terribly bored.“

She holds up her bandaged hands helplessly.

"I'd do some reading, but I guess that would be difficult given the circumstances."

It must be hard for her without her sight having to reply on her other senses so much. Losing one of them, like touch, must be very troubling for her, especially knowing it was through her own actions that led to it's loss.

I meekly enter but only a few steps inside the door.

Lilly turns away from the window and moves through her bedroom with ease, every piece of furniture and object memorized and kept in it's proper place. When we all first moved in together, it was hard to get into the habit of making sure everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. Even a table a few inches off center could be a dangerous tripping hazard to Lilly. Still, it ended up giving the whole house a very neat and tidy appearance and that was no where more evident than Hisao's and Lilly's bedroom.

From her dresser Lilly picks up a long ribbon of black silk with a few stray gold hairs on it. She sits back in bed and lightly tosses the covers back.

She pats the bed next to her.

“Hanako, would you join me?”

I do and enter further into the room, sitting meekly on the bed next to Lilly. She carefully gathers her hair up and ties the black ribbon into a distinctive bow. Then she arranges the pillows propped up against the headboard and pats the bed again.

“You can sit here, Hanako.”

I already feel uncomfortable enough sitting on Hisao's and Lilly's bed, but I don't want to deny Lilly so I climb in next to her. She wraps the covers around the two us and we lay next to each other.

I have to admit, it feels really nice.

My discomfort slowly vanishes and I rest my head against Lilly, she doing the same.

"Thank you for watching me the last couple days. I really didn't want to be alone and it was nice having the company."

I smile up at Lilly and try my best not to stutter.

"It's o-okay. Hisao and I were worried about you."

Her face grows concerned and a frown appears on her lips.

"I'm sorry to have troubled the two of you. I should not have acted that way and I apologize for it."

Her face screws up a little.

"On top of that, I broke our favorite tea set."

I shake my head, snuggling closer to Lilly as I do.

"No, it's all right. You just...j-just were upset, that's all."

Lilly smiles and puts her arms around me, trailing her fingers up and down my arm, making goosebumps quiver on my skin. She begins humming and the sound, after all the trouble over the last few days, makes me feel drowsy.

Her gentle touch brushes against the bandage on my arm and I can't help but flinch.

"What's this?" she asks concerned.

I hesitate before telling her, not sure what I should say.

"I just...got a little burned from the tea, that's all."

Lilly's mouth drops open a little in surprise and alarm and she speaks in a tiny, broken whisper, pulling away from me as if her touch would harm me.

"I...burned you?"

"It's all right. It's all better now, Hisao helped," I try to reassure her.

She looks monumentally upset and she takes me by surprise by wrapping me in the tightest hug she's ever given me.

I become aware that she's naked under her silk robe.

Lilly starts crying and I can feel her tears run down my neck.

"I'm so sorry, Hanako! I'm so sorry! I was so upset, I never meant to hurt you!"

My face turns red as I feel all of her against me, her warm skin against mine. She gives a little sob as she continues to pour out her emotion.

"I just...I just don't understand what's happening to me! It feels like everything has gone wrong. I thought...I thought it was Hisao! I never imagined the problem was with me. I never even thought it was possible! I didn't notice anything wrong, I thought that it was bad luck or his medication. But it was me! It's all my fault!"

She breaks the hug and I'm sad to see her pull away. Tears roll down Lilly's porcelain cheeks and her chin quivers, her hands clutching at her stomach protectively.

"For the first time in my life, I feel like there's something wrong with me! I feel like I'm... ugly and rotted out inside!"

I hate the sounds of those words coming out of her mouth. I want to shout and shake her out of it and tell her how wrong she is, how perfect she actually is!

There's nothing wrong with Lilly! The idea is impossible!

[Innocence]

"Lilly, you're wrong!" I shout.

Lilly stiffens a bit and sniffles a bit. "What?"

"Lilly, you're the most wonderful person in the world! When no one else would help me or reach out to me, you did! You showed me I could make friends and do the things I wanted, gave me courage and confidence. Without you and Hisao I don't know where I would be. I'd....I'd be dead, I just know it!"

I can feel the tears start rolling down my own cheeks.

"You and Hisao are the most important people in my life and I can't imagine living without you! You taught me it doesn't matter how you were born or what you look like or what problems you have. My scars and your scars don't define us as people!"

Lilly is very quiet, her eyes open in surprise, tears gently resting on her cheeks as she listens to me talk. I gently touch her face and wipe them away.

"You mean so much to me, Lilly, I can't even put it into words. You showed me once how beautiful I could be and hearing you say these things breaks my heart! They're not true, Lilly! They can't be true about someone I love so much!"

Lilly keeps that surprised look on her face, as if something were going on in her mind, a long, complicated process slowly winding up into full movement.

She seems to come to a realization, smiles at me and wipes her remaining tears away.

The she holds me close and wraps my face in her hands, touching our foreheads together before she kisses me.

Then she kisses me again.

And again.

Each time I can't help but gasp in surprise at the intimate feeling of her lips against my skin. My body shakes and again I'm aware that nothing is between me and Lilly except her silk robe.

Lilly presses herself against me and we lie in bed together again, our breathing slowly matching one another.

I start to get drowsy, surprised by how comfortable this feeling is, Lilly's arms wrapped around me, my arms around her, slowly drifting off to sleep in each others embrace, slowly melting into one another.

If I wasn't suddenly so tired, I'd change out of my clothes.

The last thing I remember before sleep overtakes me is Lilly's breath against my ear.

"I love you, too, Hanako."

----------------------------------------

Part Eight

"Can you hear me now?

"I can hear you, but I can't see you! What the hell is wrong with this thing?!"

"I can't see you either, just be patient, it might be buffering. Is it buffering on your end?"

"What the hell does buffering mean? Oh, God, what is this, I'm not good with computers!"

I try not to laugh at her expense.

I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer after getting up particularly early. It's been a couple weeks since the doctor's appointment. Lilly, Hisao and myself are back to work but every day seems more stressed than the last. Our dinners, usually so warm and friendly, have become subdued and quiet affairs. There's no sense of discomfort, but we don't talk much. We just kind of float around the house together doing nothing in particular.

I still haven't talked to Hisao about the kiss yet. Lilly doesn't know either.

I think.

The truth is, I don't know anymore how I feel. About Hisao or Lilly or even myself.

I need someone to talk to. Someone I can trust.

"Try checking the U.S.B cable in the back, it might be loose."

There's a few shuffling and clicking sounds coming over my speakers. Eventually my screen flashes and I get an image.

My face goes totally red and I avert my eyes.

I'm now staring down the shirt of a modestly endowed woman wearing a frilly and expensive looking black bra.

"Um, Akira? Y-you might want to be careful about the camera...."

[Red Velvet]

The woman pulls away from the camera, after having leaned over her computer to plug in a cord behind the monitor. Akira looks down at her partially unbuttoned shirt and then smiles at me with all her teeth.

"Sorry about that, Hanako! Didn't mean to give you a free show!"

Her eyebrows waggle a bit.

"Although these cameras are a little pervy, when you think about it."

It's been a while since Akira visited us in Japan. She hasn't changed much, but I can see just a tiny touch of smile lines beginning to crease her face. If anything it makes her look even more open and friendly than before. She's grown her hair out just a little and she looks as if she just climbed out of bed.

Considering what time it is in Scotland, that seems unlikely.

Then again, Akira was never very predictable.

As usual, she has a glass of something in her hand, amber with a few ice cubes floating around freely, holding it with a carefree and loose grip.

Akira peers through the camera at me.

"Damn, Hanako! You've done some growing up! Look at you! You must have to keep the guys off with a stick, huh? I bet you got Hisao watching your back, right?"

I blush and thank her. Even with so much distance, Akira's presence can sometimes feel a little suffocating to me.

She chuckles and smiles like the Cheshire cat.

"I hope there's no problems. Pretty girls like you can be a real temptation to a married man!"

I wince and try to hide it. I know she's only trying to compliment me, but the jab hits too close to home.

Akira doesn't seem to take notice, though.

"So how are things in Scotland?" I ask, changing the subject.

Akira sighs and bobs her head back and forth in a so-so manner. "Head of Legal isn't all that's it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I pine for the luxury of nepotism. Being the Boss' kid here though just means everyone is either afraid of you or watching for any mistake you make."

"How is your family, anyway?"

Akira grins mischievously. "As belligerent as ever. Tell Lilly, Mother and Father say 'hello'. If you can, scowl while you say 'hello' for Dad. And tell Hisao not to accept any unmarked packages from Scotland. He still hasn't forgiven him for stealing his daughter away."

Her eyes light up for a minute. "Speaking of which, did he get my latest care package?"

I nod and smile. "Yea, Hisao loved it. The Scotch didn't last long after he and Kenji got a hold of it, but he wore the kilt for a few days until both me and Lilly had to make him take it off. He looked ridiculous."

Akira looks a little confused.

"Every time he wore it," I explain, "he spoke in a really bad accent. Lilly hated it! Kept calling her 'bonny lass' and singing 'Will you, Go, Lassie, Go'."

Akira throws her arms in the air, nearly losing he drink as she laughs. "Record it and send it to me! It'll drive Father nuts! I'll make it my new ring tone!"

We both laugh for a while before we get control of ourselves again.

"So what's up?" Akira asks, "When I got the e-mail to set this little video chat up it sounded like you had something pretty serious on your mind. I would have been on sooner, but my boyfriend is the computer literate one here and I banished him from the Internet for downloading porn."

I wring my hands together for a minute before I decide how to proceed, steeling myself with a long breath.

"Have you...talked to Lilly or Hisao at all lately?"

Akira shakes her head. "No, not really. Is something wrong?"

I sigh.

"Well, yea. A little."

I tell her everything.

Hisao and Lilly trying to have a baby, Lilly's doctor appointment, I even tell her about the kiss.

By the time I'm done, I'm holding back my tears. It feels good to confess to someone, but at the same time, it's heartbreaking to admit what happened.

Akira listens silently, patiently letting me talk until I'm done and finished. With a very thoughtful expression, she drains her glass and twirls it in her hand, letting the ice cubes clink against the sides.

"First," she says after a long pause, "sorry about the married comment earlier."

I nod.

"Second...."

Akira stops, looking very unsure. The cameras may bring us face to face, but even all the miles between us isn't enough for us both to be totally comfortable with the situation.

"Second, you're not helping yourself or the two of them by not talking about it. Hanako, this sort of thing can blow up if you don't deal with it right away. It's not going to be easy, but my suggestion is to sit down and have a talk about it with Lilly and Hisao."

She looks at me poignantly through the camera's eye. "You need to talk to them, Hanako."

I nod again.

"I just don't want Lilly to hate me."

Akira shakes her head, reaching off camera and pouring more of her sdrink into her glass, replacing a few ice cubes from a small silver bucket.

"That's impossible. Lilly could never hate you, Hanako. Neither could Hisao."

She looks thoughtful for a minute.

"They love you more than I can say."

Topping off her drink, Akira holds it mid air between table and lip.

"Still, I'm surprised Lilly didn't say anything about her health to me."

Akira looks sad and disappointed, upset that Lilly either wouldn't open up to her about this sort of thing or that she would be holding back so as not to worry her older sister on her behalf.

"Lilly really hasn't had a chance to talk to you since then. I'm sure it only slipped her mind."

Akira shakes her head and takes a rather long drag. "No, that's not her style. Even after all this time she won't open up to others and let them worry about her for a change. Always the strong one, always the one who has to take care of others. Did you know once when we were kids that she got lost and didn't call me to help because I was at work and she didn't want to trouble me? How ridiculous is that?"

I didn't know that about Lilly, but it sounds like something she would do.

"She's strong, I'll give her that," Akira continues, "but no one should have to keep everything bottled up like that. She's more open with you than she is with me."

I shake my head. "That's not true, Akira. You two are very close."

Akira shrugs and drinks more.

"Maybe we used to be. But with work and the distance...me and Lilly aren't as close as we once were. I talk to Hisao over the Internet more than I do with Lilly and that's only partly because she's terrible at computers, worse than I am. Even over the phone, our conversations are pretty short nowadays."

Akira shrugs.

"I just guess that's how things are, you know. Lilly and I started down different roads a long time ago. She got a family. She has you and Hisao. I went the professional route, the safe route."

Akira looks off camera, her eyes trailing around the office she sits in. "Lot of good it does me these days."

Akira fixes me with a steady look and I can see a little bit of the drink getting to her.

"You're more of a sister to Lilly than I've ever been, Hanako. That's why I know you'll do the right thing and talk to them. They need you now more than ever."

The entire time Akira talks, I listen to her words, thinking what she says over.

She's right. It's not fair to keep this quite. Lilly deserves to know what happened and I need to make sure she knows it was my fault, not Hisao's.

Thinking about it though, he did kiss me back.

How do I explain that?

I realize Akira is still talking over the speaker and I snap to attention.

"I'm sorry, Akira, what did you say?"

She looks at me with a little bit of a lazy eye. "I said it would be kind of fun. Thinking about if we had done things differently. You know, Lilly became the professional and I settled down with a family. I don't blame you for kissing Hisao, Hanako, he's gotten a little sexy in his age. First time I met him I didn't think much of him, just another guy chasing Lilly's skirt, but after I got to know him, he kind of grew on me. I'm glad I didn't have to end up scaring him away like all the other guys. All I'm saying is that I wouldn't mind switching places with Lilly for a little while, see what it's like."

I think about what Akira says and a thought occurs to me. A smile stars to spread on my face.

"You know what, Akira? You can get pretty smart when you drink."

She looks at me through the camera lens a little surprised, then seems to notice her now empty glass for the first time.

She winks at me and clicks her tongue playfully.

"Really? Thanks for saying so. I get a lot of practice in Scotland dealing with the family."

----------------------------------------

Part Nine

I spend the rest of the day on the computer, getting only a few hours sleep before work. Like it has been the last few weeks, the routine of getting ready for work is spent in silence, the three of us just trying to keep moving. Several times I catch Lilly or Hisao looking at me as if they are about to say something, but they never do.

They don't hold each others hands as much as they used too.

I haven't seen them kiss either.

I'm scared and frightened, but there just doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to change the course of the events that are taking place. I feel adrift, lost in the current and unable to affect the outcome.

Could I possibly fix things on my own? What can I possibly do to help Hisao and Lilly? I'm the cause of most of this.

If I hadn't been so stupid and kissed Hisao....

I think about the kiss more and more as time goes on. I hate that it happened, but how can I hate something that felt so wonderful?

Thinking back, I remember the way Hisao looked at me moments before I ruined everything. He looked at me with so much admiration and love. In that moment he looked up to me and I squandered it all.

Knowing that, knowing how strong Hisao thinks I am, how can I let him down? I have to do this, I have to fix things.

Hisao believes in me.

Lilly believes in me.

I can do this.

If only for them.

I spend the work day in my office, still on the computer, looking up sites and doing research. I pay a visit to the Nurse's office over lunch and we have a very long talk which ends well.

By the time school lets out and the students head out of class for the weekend, I'm feeling a lot better than I have in a long time. I still have a pit of apprehension in my stomach, but after talking to Akira, I think I have a handle on the situation.

I walk through Yamaku's gates towards the parking lot.

Next to the car, I see Hisao and Lilly facing each other, holding each others hands and talking very quietly.

Hisao sees me approach. How they do it, I'm not sure, but they both stop talking in unison and let each other go.

"All set, Hanako?" Hisao asks.

I hesitate for a moment before I speak. "Yes. When we get home though, there's something I'd like to talk to both of you about."

Hisao nods, but I see a little look of alarm pass through his eyes.

Lilly looks worried.

"Of course." Hisao says.

----------------------------------------

It's much later now. We've had dinner and cleared the table and the three of us sit around a tea set with cups and steaming vanilla filling the air. The steam curls around us, the sweet aroma helping to calm me as Hisao and Lilly wait for me to speak.

What I'm about to do could change our family forever. I'm reluctant to start and I hesitate, several times trying to say the words that have been bouncing around my head, but unable to put them to tongue.

Lilly and Hisao wait patiently for me.

[Wiosna]

"I know things have been really difficult lately. I know how much you two want a child and now that you can't have one, I see how hard you've been taking it."

Lilly shifts uncomfortably and Hisao stares down into his tea.

"We've been acting like ghosts in this house since you got the news. Avoiding each other, not looking each other in the eye. We've become too fragile and it's tearing me apart to see us like this."

I collect my thoughts, watching my reflection in the shiny tabletop.

"I want the both of you to know that you are the most important people in my life and I'll never be able to repay you for everything you've done for me."

I look up and take Lilly's hand.

"Lilly, you took care of me when I needed it. You protected me and gave me strength by just being there. You were my friend when I didn't have any. If you hadn't been around I would have wasted my entire life in a book, trying to hide from the world until it crushed me. Thanks to you, I've dealt with my issues and now I'm helping other children deal with their own, healing them the same way you healed me. Thank you so much."

I take Hisao's hand in my other.

"Hisao, Lilly protected me, but you challenged me. You started hanging out with Lilly, but you were so kind and curious about me. I didn't know what it was at first. I thought you were just interested in Lilly, but I realized that wasn't it at all. You honestly wanted to be my friend. But you didn't try to shield me from the world, you wanted to make me a part of it, help bring me into it. It's because of you that I'm as strong as I am now. Thank you, Hisao."

I hold their hands for a while, head down, silently urging myself on.

"I know this has been hard, but I owe you so much. I can't stand to see disappointment on either of your faces. You helped me so I want to help you."

I look up and squeeze their hands.

"I-I want to be your s-surrogate. I want to have your child for you."

Both Hisao and Lilly are taken aback by my statement.

Hisao is speechless.

"Hanako," Lilly says, "even if it's possible, we could never ask you to do something like this for us. It's too much of a responsibility. It's unfair to you to ask you to take on such a burden."

I shake my head. "It is possible. I've already looked into it. I even talked to Nurse about it. Besides, you don't have to ask, that's the point. I want to do this for you. You and Hisao deserve a child and I can help give you one. I can finally repay you both for all the love you've given me. Besides, the only unfair thing would be to deny a child such wonderful parents like you."

My hands begin to tremble.

[Letting My Heart Speak]

"Which is why what I have to say next is the hardest thing I've ever done."

My throat catches and I start to cry.

"After the baby is born...I'm going to be l-leaving Yamaku and m-moving out."

If my first statement shook them, this one destroys them. Lilly and Hisao take my hands in both of their own and cling to me desperately.

"No! Hanako!"

"Hanako, why?"

"I have to!" I shout, my throat burning, tears running down my cheeks. "I need to l-l-l-leave! I can't be around either of y-you anymore!"

I look up and my fingers are like steel traps around Lilly's hand. "L-L-Lilly, I'm so sorry! I screwed up b-bad and I did something I shouldn't have! I betrayed your t-t-trust and I'm sorry for everything!"

Hisao look at me with a torn expression in his eyes. "Hanako, you don't have to do this...."

I nod hard, shaking my hair loose and over my face, my bangs catching my tears, my whole body shaking uncontrollably, my lungs gasping for air. "Yes, I do! Lilly, it was my f-fault, not Hisao's! I've been so confused about how I feel! I'm so sorry! I k-k-k-kissed Hisao! I kissed him and I liked it and I wanted more and I'm s-sorry!!!"

I can barely breathe at this point and any more words I have left are lost in my uncontrollable sobs.

Lilly waits silently for a few moments, not letting my hand go, a steady pressure around my fingers. She sits up and leans across the table, her free hand following my arm and reaching up towards my face, holding my cheek in her soft fingers. "Hanako, I already know."

I look up at her and see her smiling at me. "Y-You do?"

Hisao squeezes my hand lovingly. "Hanako, when I left that night, I drove to Yamaku right away and picked Lilly up, just like you said to. I told her everything."

I'm so confused my words are louder and angrier than I mean for them too be. "But...neither of you s-said anything to me about it!"

Lilly smiles sadly, sitting back down and taking Hisao's other hand in her own. "You never gave us a chance. You avoided us for so long and then with the news...we really had no time to sit down and talk to you about this properly."

I shake my head. "But you two have been so distant! You haven't been talking, or holding hands! I haven't seen you kiss in days!"

The two of them look guilty, avoiding my eyes. "The truth is, Hanako," Hisao finally says, "we've been confused the last few weeks as well. The kiss...it was just a part of it all. Lilly's health, the baby, it's all been piling up for a while now. We appreciate what you're offering to us, we really do. Having a child is something we both wanted so much. But with what's been going on between me and Lilly, it just isn't the right time now. We've been...talking about stuff...about the two of us and where we're going. "

Oh, God, I don't want to hear this!

"Hanako," Lilly says softly, "our relationship has changed. There's something between Hisao and myself and we both can feel it. An empty space. The kiss was a sign. Something needs to change."

"No! No, no, no, no!!!"

I throw myself over the table at the two of them, clutching at them, refusing to let them go! Everything in my life depends on the two of them!

"You can't do this! You can't break up, please no! Not because of this! I can't live without you two and I don't want you to be apart! Please! I love you! I love you both so much! I need you!"

[Sarabande from BWV1010, Musicbox]

Lilly and Hisao hold me for a minute in shocked silence.

Then they both start crying and holding me tightly.

"Hanako! That's not what we're talking about at all!"

"Hanako, how could you think such a thing!"

Lilly is holding my face and she's kissing my tears away. "Never! Never ever, Hanako! Hisao and I would never leave you or each other!"

"Hanako," Hisao says, running his fingers through my hair, "Lilly and I aren't growing distant. We've grown...different. The empty space we talked about, it's not between the two of us. It's for you!"

I look up at him, clutching to his chest. "F-for me?"

Hisoa looks at Lilly helplessly. He stammers and she squeezes his shoulder for support.

"Hanako, we've known for a while how you feel about us. Hisao and I stopped being so intimate because...well, we thought it would be unfair for you to see the two of us like that."

Hisao kisses my forehead and he breathes in the scent of my hair. "Hanako, there hasn't been a time in our relationship that you haven't been a part of it. You've been with us since the very beginning! The truth is, Lilly and I can't imagine a life without you. We don't want a life without you!"

I remember the words Kenji and Akira told me.

They love you more than I can say.

What did they mean by that?

"We don't want you to be just a person in our life, Hanako," Lilly says, "We want you to be a part of this relationship. Hanako, we love you!"

The words have been said so many times, I started to forget how powerful they can be. When I hear them this time, the meaning is so different it leaves me confused and lightheaded.

"'You love me'? Wh-what do you mean?"

Hisao looks up at Lilly. He tries to say something, but his tongue catches in his throat and he holds me tighter than before.

"Hanako," Lilly says hesitantly, her blush rising, "we're saying that...well...I guess we're trying to...confess to you...."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. My heart is going a thousand miles a minute.

Hisao....

Lilly....

Love me?

"Y-you are?" I ask in a little whisper.

Hisao looks at Lilly and he smiles at me.

"Yes," they both say.

My throat catches and I feel a wracking sob rise up in my chest. I can't hold it back and I bury my face in Hisao's chest and I feel Lilly wrapping her arms around me.

The two most important people in my life say they love me!

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say.

"I love you, too!" I shout and begin crying all over again.

We hold each other, no words or sound except our own sobs.

We hold each other for a very long time. Then Hisao lifts up my chin and he kisses me.

It's even better than the first time.

Lilly touches my face and she puts her lips on mine.

It's different, but I like it.

"Hanako," Lilly says quietly, "Hisao and I have talked about this for a while now. If it's all right with you, and you don't have to say 'yes'...well, we wouldn't mind if you...wanted to sometime join us upstairs...."

I look at Hisao and see the agreement in his eyes