Bayou Bucket Trash Talk 2013: One last hurrah

Editor’s note: Carrying on a tradition and in honor of what may be the last Bayou Bucket Bowl, The Daily Cougar and The Rice Thresher have exchanged a few words. Both editorials will appear online in the Cougar and Thresher.

From The Daily Cougar:

Dear Ivy League Wannabes,

It’s that time of year again when our two schools get together for what is basically a three-hour spectacle resulting in happy Coogs and deep-fried owl. It’s my favorite time of the year because it means that we humble Cougars here at the University of Houston get to show you nerds that you can be nationally recognized academically AND kick ass at football. I mean, well, not that YOU specifically can be like that. No, that’s just us. You suck.

It’s cute, it really is. Every year you guys give it your all, coming out there in your blue-and-white shirts, all prim and proper, slowly drinking your sorrows away with every Houston Cougars touchdown. It’s a Rice tradition.

There’s a reason you owls always leave before the game’s finished: if you stuck around that long, there’d have to be a fleet of ambulances waiting to take you to get your stomachs pumped due to alcohol poisoning.

But it’s OK, Rice. Sports just isn’t your thing, I get that. It’s not your fault. We’ve all got our roles in life. We’re successful everymen, well-rounded and well-admired by our local community. We’ve got brains and brawn. We know how to be friendly, fun, and sociable. We’re the popular kid in high school.

You? You’re the kid whose nanny has to pry you out of the locker every day. You also have no strong friends to back you up when you get picked on, because 1) you suck and 2) your habit of pretentiously defining every single word gets annoying. (Annoying, adj., see Rice Owls, Rice University, world’s saddest football team).

Still, I have to concede a few points. Last season was a bit of a … rocky time for the University. And by rocky, I mean bad. And by bad, I mean somehow we did worse than you bird brains, ending our season overall with a 5-7 record. On the bright side, we still tarred and feathered y’all 35-14. It might not be the 73-34 unlubricated beat down we delivered two years ago to you, but we’ll take it.

And this year is going to be up in the air. It’s early in the season, so neither of us have been able to see how good our respective teams really are. There’s no reason to boast records (UH 2-0, Rice 1-1). Above all, this game shouldn’t even have that usual animosity. It’s looking to be our last game together, and we’ll miss you. Because even though you’re pathetic, athletically inferior, rich, crybaby nerds… You’re our nerds.

We like you, Rice, and we’ll really miss you on the ride back to UH, Bayou Bucket Bowl once again in our paws. As a Houstonian, I like you guys for trying so hard to show those Ivy League Yankees that you really are one of them. As a Houston Cougar, I like you guys for the two weeks off our annual game grants our team. And as an Asian, well, you’re tasty when steamed and served in a carton of sweet and sour chicken.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the game. It might rain, so remind your chauffeur to bring an umbrella. The food prices at Reliant are pretty steep, so don’t forget to sneak in some of your favorite hors d’oeuvres or those little finger sandwiches. Most of all, best of luck, at the game and in the future. We’ll be rooting for you to not suck too badly back in Conference USA while we go on to decimate the American Athletic Conference.

Sincerely,

People with an actually good football team

PS: Go Coogs.

From: The Rice Thresher

Dear Subordinates,

In the vein of our exchange with The Daily Cougar last year, the Rice Thresher has agreed to another written sparring match preceding the annual Bayou Bucket. In all honesty, writing things like this is a nice break for us. We get tired after writing our published theses and presenting our revolutionary research. Opportunities like this give us a chance to slow down from our nationally recognized accomplishments and smell the flowers, just like you get to do every day while you’re supposed to be in class.

In all seriousness, how does it feel to know that your football team finished worse than us last year? You must be quite despondent (which means extremely sad); we thought you were known for your sports. Wait, never mind — that was part of a past long, long gone. Instead, the reality is that Rice has beaten the University of Houston to win the Bayou Bucket two times in the last four years. While that could mean we are equals, the truth is we both know we are better at pretty much everything else. And that is just a little bit sad for you.

The sadder truth is that you are not really even our equals on the football field. Which bowl game did you go to last year? Oh, that’s right — you missed out on the bowl season with a 5-7 record. (In case fractions are still just a little bit too hard for you, that’s less than 50 percent.) Meanwhile, we not only competed in, but also won the Armed Forces Bowl. You may have seen it on ESPN, if you were not too busy mourning your failure of a team. (Note: “mourning” and “morning” do not mean the same thing and should not be confused.) If you did catch the game, then you know our high-flying wide receiver Jordan Taylor grabbed touchdown after touchdown. Driphus Jackson controlled the tempo of the game — you were just lucky you played him in his first career start last year, because this year, he certainly is not a freshman anymore and is ready for the Bayou Bucket spotlight.

We find it cute that you tried to run away from us and go to the Big East. It can be daunting playing us year after year, knowing that if you lose, you did so to a bunch of geeks. These geeks are ready for you. While the “Coogs” (What self-respecting students actually decide to call themselves “Coogs”?) were busy playing Division I cupcakes like Southern and Temple to start the year, we were running the football down the throat of two major conference opponents, Texas A&M and Kansas. All we can say is that we hope you are ready for a healthy dose of Charles Ross. We dare you to get in his way — it’s like hitting a freight train going 200 miles an hour.

So good luck today, UH. Just like writing this piece was a nice little break from working hard and preparing for our undoubted future successes, the game today will be a nice break for our team. We may even ease up on the gas pedal after we open with an early 28-0 lead. After all, we don’t want you to get too upset — it is important that we not completely annihilate (which means destroy) the self-confidence of our future employees.

Sincerely,

Your Athletic and Academic Superiors