Number 5 Babe: Joan of Arc

Joan liked to dress up in dudes’ clothes to cover her super sexy curves. It breaks my heart to see her doing that to herself. Joan, baby, I gotta tell you me and Jesus are tight, and He says don’t be scared ’cause all I wanna do is brush your hair. Marion Cotillard is from France (just like you) and she didn’t get where she is today by being all shy and not wearing deodorant. All I’m saying is, girl: you are a natural beauty and I could be your boyfriend, but first you need to calm down.

Number 4 Babe: Lady Diana

Diana’s my favourite Princess with a voice as sweet as candy and tiny little feet. They say that if her body was real, she’d have to walk on all fours and there would only be space for 4cm of intestine. Well, that may be but let me tell you, girl, I’d still follow you anywhere, I don’t care if it’s into Elton John’s bedroom or a field of landmines. You say there were three in your marriage, and I can get on board with that, I still respect you. As long as the other one’s a chick.

Number 3 Babe: Marie Curie

When I see Marie working late, frowing and messing up her face, I gotta say “Girl, throw away those dusty books, take time to think about your looks / amma take off those glasses, put down your work / your eyes shinin’ bright, glowin’ green in the dark / Shhh, you don’t need to speak anymore, baby: Justin’s here. Let’s all listen to Justin.”

Number 2 Babe: Eva Braun

Girl, it kills me when I see you with him. Look at him hogging you when all you wanna do is put on an Usher CD and move slow. With your golden hair and eyes of blue, you are beautiful on the outside, where it matters.

Number 1 Babe: Martine McCutcheon

Babe, I can be your hero, save you from yourself. Here, you want money? I got money  how much you want? You like yoghurt? I’ve ordered two dozen crates from room service. I see they’re prune flavour, that’s okay, I’m cool with letting a little gas slide if you do it in your sleep. Is that what it will take, cause girl I gotta know? Okay, three thousand dollars: final offer.