PRINCETON, NJ—Watching helplessly as his fellow partygoers moved on to a different topic of conversation, local man Greg Southerton reportedly abandoned the group Tuesday and directed the full force of his anecdote towards a single, nearby person. “Speaking of childhood pets, I had this pretty wild thing happen to my cat when I was a kid,” said Southerton, desperately locking eyes with a female acquaintance as he realized the remainder of their peers had lost interest and begun talking about weekend plans, leaving him totally in the dust. “Okay, so, one day, I got home from kindergarten and I couldn’t find her anywhere. My parents and I looked all around and finally we discover her at the top of this tall tree in our yard. And here’s where things get really crazy—we couldn’t get her down.” At press time, Southerton’s target had reportedly ducked out of the conversation in order to respond to a text message, leaving him to mumble the narrative’s conclusion into his drink.

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