Her song Thank U, Next, an appreciation of her ex-lovers, is the biggest hit of her career

Four decades ago, Carly Simon skewered an ex-lover with a song called You’re So Vain. Drawing its power from Simon’s use of the unnamed man’s egotism to take him down a peg, it became a celebrated breakup song.

Simon has said the actor Warren Beatty was one inspiration of three – the other two men remain unnamed. In contrast, in this year’s most popular breakup song, Thank U, Next, we know exactly whom Ariana Grande is singing about. Also singing about more than one ex, she identifies them in the opening lyrics. Unlike Simon, her motive is to praise, not condemn.

The song discusses the rapper Big Sean, the dancer Ricky Alvarez, the Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson and the rapper Malcolm McCormick, better known as Mac Miller, who died in September after accidentally overdosing on fentanyl, cocaine and alcohol.

Considering those miserable circumstances, Grande sounds surprisingly composed.

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“I’m so fuckin’ grateful for my ex, thank you, next,” she trills on the chorus. It’s a proclamation that forgiveness is cool and growth is a flauntable quality, perhaps unexpected in an era in which dating apps and hook-up culture have made relationships feel especially disposable.

In some ways, Grande embodies that swipe-on attitude – she sings the lines “One taught me love / One taught me patience / And one taught me pain / Now, I’m so amazing” with the ease of a hair flip.

But the track is more complicated than that. It has a sliver of the dismissiveness of Nancy Sinatra’s These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ or Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know, but none of the vengeance. It has the tender sincerity of Carole King’s It’s Too Late but is without that kind of mourning. It is in the spirit of fun female empowerment songs like Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive or Cher’s Believe, but with no hint of lingering resentment.

Grande praises her exes for the “love”, “patience” and “pain” that helped make her the “amazing” person she is today. In the middle, she teases “I met someone else”, then reveals that someone is herself. The song has a level of resolution and clarity that most people only achieve after a lifetime.

Grande lives a life of wealth and public exposure to which few in her age group can relate. In 2017, after a concert at the Manchester Arena, a suicide bomber detonated a bomb. Twenty-three people were killed, 139 wounded. In a statement posted to Twitter a few days later, Grande expressed her heartbreak, writing: “We won’t let hate win.”

This September, as she prepared to marry Davidson, news broke of Miller’s death. As thousands mourned the rapper on social media, some blamed Grande for breaking up with him. On 14 September, she posted a tribute on Instagram, writing: “i adored you from the day i met you when i was nineteen and i always will. i can’t believe you aren’t here anymore.”

Grande has also faced very public instances of misogyny and sexism, most notably when she was touched inappropriately by the bishop at the funeral of Aretha Franklin. In every instance, the singer has responded with grace, making positivity an essential part of not only her social media personality, but her brand.

When Grande offers words of support, encouragement or gratitude, they do not feel like platitudes born of celebrity-class naivete. Perhaps it’s that consistent earnestness that has made Thank U, Next feel like a powerful cultural moment.

Joy and gratitude isn’t always relatable, but from the moment Grande surprise-released the song, the public seemed to identify with her position, streaming the track 55.5m times in the first five days and earning Grande her first No 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. Despite trends towards songs that are kind of a bummer, it seems audiences are hungry for a tune about boundless, unapologetic positivity. Only an artist like Grande could have pulled it off.