PHOTOGRAPH BY JAMES LEYNSE / CORBIS VIA GETTY

Welcome to the United Airlines Fight or Flight Club! We are happy to have some of you here, disappointed to have a few of you wearing leggings, and just straight-up incensed that one of you somehow sneaked in. We do not know who yet.

If this is your first time flying United, we’d like to welcome you onboard! If you are a frequent United flier, then you are either the pilot or a flight attendant. For the rest of you, we know how nerve-racking your first United flight must be, so please listen carefully to the following rules:

1. You do not talk about Fight or Flight Club.

Members of our social-media team have taken a mental-health month, so just give them a break.**

**

2. Really, please, we’re begging you: don’t talk about Fight or Flight Club.

Maybe try talking about the weather? Or sports? Or Syria?

3. No smoking at all times.

Smoking is not permitted on any United flight because cigarettes inhibit your body’s ability to access enough oxygen to keep you in top fighting form for in-flight physical altercations.

4. Always keep your seat belt fastened when the seat-belt sign is on.

When the seat-belt sign is on, the United Wrestling Ring is temporarily closed. To fasten your seat belt, please slide the metal end into the buckle and tighten using the strap. It will be harder to be yanked out of your seat if you have a belt tightly strapped on. And we at United enjoy a challenge.

5. Please stow all electronic devices.

We don’t want a paper trail. Thank you.

6. Make sure your oxygen mask is secure before assisting others with theirs.

Should the cabin pressure drop, oxygen masks will drop down from above your seat, and we highly advise that you place an oxygen mask on yourself first. After that’s done, we recommend that you try to steal other passengers’ masks. As we already established: more oxygen equals better fighting.

7. Familiarize yourself with your life vest.

There is a life vest either under or near your seat. While our crew members are sparring with neighboring passengers, you can inflate the life vest and wrap it around your head for protection when it is your turn to throw some punches. It goes without saying: the more life vests you can accrue, the better.

8. Please, enjoy the fight!