bullet Head Dreamer of Hooli XYZ Resigns. Will Hooli Ever Dream Again?

By: C.J. Cantwell

Hooli lost a great mind today, as Nelson “Big Head” Bighetti announced his resignation as Head Dreamer of the Hooli XYZ division, stating he would be focusing on “spiritual wellness and family.” Via a Hooli press release, Bighetti continued: “The Hooli corporation is exceptionally well positioned to continue their growth as an industry leader. While a difficult personal decision, this is the right choice for me at this time. I will always cherish my time at Hooli and look forward to future challenges and opportunities.”

CEO and Board Chairman Gavin Belson stated, “The Board is thankful for Bighetti’s leadership in the Hooli XYZ division, and while saddened, supports his decision.”

Hooli has yet to name a Head Dreamer replacement, but how could they? Bighetti has an impressive track record at the company, having developed the innovative Kick-Ass Potato Cannon in the Hooli XYZ lab, while also serving as the president of the Hooli Cancer and Hooli AIDS societies. It’s no wonder the man received three internal promotions in a month—and why Hooli is sad to see him go. Bighetti may very well go down in history as the true visionary of this generation’s tech boom. In the meantime, I for one can’t wait to see what he does next.

Note: An earlier version of this post incorrectly identified Bighetti as Nelson “Bag Head” Bighetti instead of Nelson “Big Head” Bighetti.