Kaitlyn Bristowe charmed her way into the hearts of the Bachelor Nation – and nearly the Bachelor himself, Chris Soules, on season 19 of The Bachelor. Now Kaitlyn hopes to begin her own journey to love as the next Bachelorette.

Well if you would have told this edgy little gal a year ago that I would be writing a blog for PEOPLE as one of two Bachelorettes duking it out against each other for love, I would have done my fat-man laugh. I would think you were nuts, but here I am!

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When I was approached with the idea of two Bachelorettes, I was definitely not jumping for joy. It was more like, pouting for hours. I thought about it for days. Why would I do this to myself? And then I realized the world I was living in. It’s 2015, people are swiping and linking on Tinder, meeting online and dating on TV. So I thought to myself: Kaitlyn, this is just an incredible opportunity to meet a man you could spend the rest of your life with. Clearly whatever I’ve been doing in the real world isn’t reeling in the best caliber of men. I had to know there could be light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe I should say love at the end of the tunnel! There is it, ladies and gentlemen, my first cheesy line of the blog. But I mean it!

All of a sudden I am one of two Bachelorettes, at Cary Fetman’s place – Cary is the stylist for the show and also one of my favourite people EVER. I spelled favourite the Canadian way. Just let me have that. Anyway, racks of expensive clothes, gowns and shoes surrounded me. Every girl’s dream, right? Wrong! I wear T-shirts and backwards hats and buy my shoes at Payless! Shopping isn’t my jam, but I was excited to play dress-up with the talented stylist. And being the Bachelorette (or one of two) means being glam. Cary, if you’re reading this, you truly are a saint for putting up with me. And, now that I think of it, I have a new appreciation for clothes.

Now, usually the Bachelorette would jump into a limo, excited and eager to stand in front of the Bachelor mansion, knowing she could potentially be meeting her husband. That’s got to be one of the wildest, most unbelievable feelings. You are on the receiving side, the power is in your hands, and these men are nervous as hell to impress you or they could be going home. Well, not this season. This time around there were two of us and WE had to impress the men, knowing one of US could be going home. Holy pressure.

Everyone asks, “What was your strategy going into this?” And the only thing I could think of was just to be Kaitlyn. Laugh, be sincere and make the guys feel comfortable. And, to be honest, once the first limo pulled up and I accepted the awkward situation, we did have some fun! I would look over at Britt, and we would giggle. The guys were more nervous than we were, which took the pressure off! And just to go back to my strategy for a second when I ran inside to say hi to the guys, I wasn’t trying to be unfair or discourteous. That was never a game plan or strategy. It was meant to be a sweet gesture. We were waiting for another limo, and it was a few minutes late. I heard all the guys inside laughing and having fun, and I had a split second of FOMO (fear of missing out). I wanted to just run in, say hi and tell them how great they were. I remember that night being so long with Chris Soules and thinking how nice it would be for him to run in and just say hi! Sorry if that felt rude, Britt!!

Overall, I was just so impressed with the quality of these men. One definitely gave me that feeling I was looking for when it came to first impressions. So after a motorized cupcake, a strip tease, a car “pool” (hahaha, I’m still laughing) and some incredible dudes, it was time to head into the mansion. It was intimidating to walk into a room of that many handsome faces. It takes a lot for me to be speechless. But having 25 babe sodas staring at me will do it. So what do I do? Tell a joke. CLASSIC KAITLYN. I wanted to make the guys feel comfortable, and I knew I had all night to talk to them about what I was looking for in a husband. Britt killed it; you nailed that speech, girl. I like to think she was speaking for both of us. I really was looking at these men wanting to find a best friend to love for the rest of my life. I should have spoken from the heart, my bad.

Let the mad scramble begin. The poor guys had to try to get to know two women in a matter of hours and decide who they might want to marry not date, MARRY. Kind of a big deal, like WHAT??

Every time I sat down with one of the guys, I would think, Well it’s not going to get better than this! And then the next guy would come along, and I’d think, Okay, wait, it can’t get better than this fast-forward to 25 guys later, and I’m convinced we have the best group of guys in all of the land. When Clint revealed that picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops, I almost died. He is funny AND talented! I love when a guy has some sort of talent.

Chris S. cute AND successful. Usually I avoid the dentist – not this one. Chris was so easy to talk to, you can tell he has a full heart and wants to find that person to spend life with. Hearing about who these men were, where they came from and what they wanted made me SO hopeful and happy. They opened up to me, shared things with me and put it all out there. Going home was not an option. Unless you’re Ryan M. then you are definitely going home. I’m surprised I didn’t smack that guy in the face and walk him out myself. Who does that guy think he is? He was inappropriate, disrespectful and not taking this seriously. I’m all for having a good time, but that was just next level. I had secondhand embarrassment for him watching that back. Not cool Ryan.

Enter Chris Harrison. Like I said, it’s all fun and games until Chris Harrison walks into the room. He announced that a vote would have to be made. I can’t describe the feeling in that moment. Excitement, shock, horror, nerves you name it, I felt it. Waiting around to learn your fate (while being reminded how great the guys are) is emotionally exhausting. Either way this was going to go, I knew it would be hard. I like Britt. I don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt. Everyone deserves love, and knowing one of us would feel heartbreak again made me sick to my stomach (I noticed I say that A LOT) . Then Chris came out and told me how the voting went He said okaaaaaay, we know I can’t do that.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!

–Kaitlyn

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