Insert Coin

As a Star Wars Kid in the 80s, I got the idea in my head that the ESB Snowtrooper figure resembled a “human soda machine”. It had all the elements – a coin slot, buttons to make your selection, a coin return, and the vending slot where the can would be dispensed. Unfortunately, this dispensing slot just happened to be the trooper’s groin area.

Thinking I was clever, I would share this with my friends. I don’t recall if they were particularly impressed with my observation, but I’d share it with whoever would listen.

Make Your Selection

At the time, my uncle Tom was also collecting Star Wars figures. By “collecting”, I mean he was a grown-ass man buying toys as an investment. Though that’s pretty commonplace now, I feel like this was pretty unusual for the time. He literally bought all the figures.

Sadly, what my uncle had in toy collecting foresight, he severely lacked in collectibility understanding. You see, not wanting his collection to take up an absurd amount of space, he did what seemed to be the perfectly logical, yet disastrous, thing he could – he took the figures out of the packages.

I remember fishing tackle boxes filled with the figures and their weapons. The backing cards, while kept as intact as possible, were stored separately as if they had their own value.

Enjoy Your Beverage

I very distinctly remember attempting to explain my Snowtrooper Soda Machine observation to my uncle:

I pointed out how much the slot on the breastplate looked like a coin slot.

I went on about how the chest buttons would be used to make a space soda selection.

Then I stopped…

My ears turned red and I’m certain sweat began to develop somewhere. I had my uncle’s full attention throughout the entire absurd story, but I could not continue. I was genuinely embarrassed to say that the soda can would shoot out of the Snowtrooper’s dick.

I stammered, “…and… I forget where the can would come out.” I lied!

My uncle saw through me instantly. I’m not sure if he realized that I was embarrassed. He didn’t let on that there was anything wrong with the idea of a can coming out of the codpiece of an Imperial cold weather special soldier. It was obvious though that he knew I was lying. He completely saw through my bullshit.

“You know where it would come out. Right there.” He pointed to the figure’s crotch.

“Hehe…”, I replied, VERY nervously. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”

The art for this post was drawn at Quenchers Saloon in Chicago.