There's an old saying that goes, "Children should be seen and not heard". I don't even want to see them. Unfortunately, it's close to impossible to leave one's house these days without being assaulted both visually and aurally by these young creatures. They emit loud, high pitched noises for no apparent reason as they run up and down the block, in and out of the street, and across people's front and back yards. Thinking themselves invulnerable, they'll set up nets and play roller hockey, basketball, or similar games right in the middle of the street. They often roam in packs, and have sometimes been known to swarm entire neighborhoods, transforming a once peaceful landscape into a cacophony of voluminous blathering and unnecessary energy expenditure. Sometimes the urge to grab my shotgun and start my own little freelance neighborhood beautification project is so strong that I actually have to soak the ammunition in water to prevent myself from fucking up the rest of my life.

Children's disruptive qualities are not just limited to the suburbs, however. Be it a restaurant, movie theater, shopping mall, bus ride, or plane flight, if children are injected into the mix, things become infinitely more annoying. They come equipped with an almost constant barrage of questions, and when their own parents get sick of answering, they'll turn to the nearest person they see (usually me), and continue with the interrogation. People tell me that this is cute. They say I shouldn't get upset by this and that the child is just curious and that's how it learns. Fine. I'll be more than happy to teach it what it feels like to have it's face sliced open with a box cutter. I think it's high time junior learned that not everyone is a nice person. Curiosity killed more than just the cat.

That's a lesson that not only the kid will benefit from, but something the parents need to learn as well. I hate children. Specifically, I hate YOUR children. Keep them away from me, or something bad will happen. My only goal when I encounter children is to leave them feeling worse than before they met me. Since you'll never know when I'm coming, it would be in your best interest to lock them up at all times. Keep them chained in a dark basement room until they reach the age of 21, and in that time you had better have taught them some fucking manners.

I enjoy seeing a lost child in a large department store, crying because they can't find their parents. I always go right up to them and tell them that their parents left them there because they found another little boy that they liked better. Sometimes the tears start flowing faster than if you had smacked them in the face. Don't get me wrong, smacking them in the face is fun too, but with the proliferation of security camera nowadays, it's a pretty big risk.

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I think what's even worse than the physical presence of children are some of the things adults try and do using children as an excuse. Whenever someone wants to take a freedom away from you, they do it under the guise of protecting the children. "We must get rid of guns to protect the children. We must outlaw drugs to protect the children. We must ban violent video games and movies to protect the children. We must keep the internet clear of anything offensive to protect the children. We must eliminate everything enjoyable to protect the children". What a bunch of crap. I'm not gonna change my lifestyle because you don't want your brat exposed to certain things. You knew damn well what kind of a world this was before you brought your little dick-cheese into it, so don't start bitching about it now. All you need to do is teach your kid to stick it's head as far up it's ass as your own head is up yours, and then it won't be exposed to anything you don't like.

And speaking of sticking things up your ass, you can start with that "it takes a village to raise a child" phrase. Bullshit. I didn't get to fuck your wife, so I'm certainly not going to help take care of what fell out of her stinky ****. Guess what, it takes a village to mow my lawn and it takes a village to change the oil in my car. As soon as the fucking village helps me out on those fronts, then we'll see if I have any free time left for community baby sitting (which I don't).

What really trips me out is just how many people seem to want to have kids. I can not think of a bigger waste of time and money than the process of raising a human being from infancy to adulthood. I'd rather have a golf ball sized abscess on my rectum that leaked pus and blood 24 hours a day than have kids. As long as I'm physically able to kick a woman in the stomach and throw her down a flight of stairs, I can honestly declare that NOTHING will ever be able to call me daddy. No amount of prison time could ever be worse than the life sentence that is parenthood. I simply do not understand why anybody would want to devote their lives to the upkeep of some attention seeking, time consuming, mess making, mouth breathing, wallet draining, germ factory! I've asked several people who have children just what it is that motivates them to want to indenture themselves into a life of parental servitude. I've never heard anyone mention a reason that compelled me to run right out and start squirting my spunk in every spare uterus that I encounter:

"I just love little babies". That is not a good reason to have kids. That "cute" little baby you love so much only lasts about a year or so, then it just turns into yet another monthly expense. Of course, people that like babies are often too stupid to think up cool ways to spend their money, so it's not like they'll miss it. Plus, it's been scientifically proven that newborn babies emit a chemical substance that kills parental brain cells quicker than huffing Glade potpourri. This is why the stupidest people in the room often have the most children. If you really just like the baby aspect of having kids, I have no problem if you promise to kill it after it's second birthday. That way, you can have a baby all the time, and I don't have to put up with anymore traffic.

"The Bible tells us to have kids". No it doesn't. The Bible tells you to be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it. Look around you dip shit, the earth is pretty goddamn full. You gotta realize that the Bible was written A LONG FUCKING TIME AGO, when there were a hell of a lot more parking spaces available. Tribes needed babies because they grew up into warriors that helped defend the tribe and allowed it to expand. Guess what folks, the shit has expanded. Mission accomplished. People that breed for the Bible are just as confused as the Japanese soldiers in the pacific who were on small, remote islands and continued to fight W.W.II years after it was over. But aside from that point, I'd like to know why you let a book tell you how to live your life in the first place? I'll bet that if the Bible said, "Thou shall not be an annoying asshole", there'd be A LOT less christians.

"I just have so much love to give, I want to share it with a child". What this person really means is that there are no living people on the planet who want anything to do with them, so they need to create a new life in order to have someone to talk to. People who have kids are ALWAYS less cool to hang around than people who don't have kids. And while it's true that the kid contributes to their lameness, most of these people were pretty fucking dull even before they made the decision to reproduce. And not to get off the subject, but I don't think it should be called reproduction until they do it more than once. The first time it's just production.

"It'll bring me and my husband closer together". Yeah sure. There's nothing like sleep deprivation, lack of privacy, and increased financial burdons to help repair a shaky marriage. I also hear that a brisk run in sub-zero temperatures helps cure pneumonia and Krispy Kreme donuts are good for ones cholesterol.