WASHINGTON – Stating that it was “a long time coming” and “the obvious thing to do,” President Obama decreed today that all U.S. flags would indefinitely remain at half-staff.

At a press conference, the president clarified the decision. “Following the shooting at Lafayette, so soon after Chattanooga, which itself came on the heels of the tragedy at Charleston, which was preceded by Isla Vista and the second Fort Hood shooting…of course there was D.C. and Santa Monica, Newtown, Brookfield, Minneapolis…Oak Creek and Aurora…there’s really no reason to kid ourselves.”

The president also questioned the logic of raising the flag during the brief respites between shootings.

“At military bases, courthouses, recruitment centers, stadiums and colleges, we have armed servicemen and women wasting valuable time and resources in re-raising a flag we all know is going to come back down in a matter of days. Why not save those precious minutes?” President Obama said. “That might help, right?”

At press time, reports of a new shooting were imminent.

UPDATE #1: Those reports have since been verified with the following shootings: Moneta, Virginia 8/26/2015; Roseburg, Oregon 10/1/2015.



UPDATE #2: Further occurrences show no change in sight, as evidenced by the following: Colorado Springs, Colorado 10/31/2015; Colorado Springs, Colorado 11/27/2015; San Bernardino, California 12/2/2015; Kalamazoo County, Michigan 2/20/2016; Hesston, Kansas 2/25/2016; Orlando, Florida 6/12/2016.

More as this story develops.