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“YOU DON’T know what we know you know we know,” read a government statement, clearing up all unanswered questions surrounding the treatment of garda whistleblower Maurice McCabe and the knowledge the cabinet had regarding the role of Tusla in one of just countless attempts at smearing him.

“What matters is the matter of Minister Zappone’s matter, in regards to how much it mattered, matters more or matters less depending on one’s opinion of opinions and the such like, like,” the Taoiseach Enda Kenny confirmed this morning, in a strong message to the Nation the Fine Gael led minority coalition had everything under control, “but that’s obviously a matter for the minister”.

On the allegations made in the Dáil last week that Garda Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan had a hand in spreading false allegations about Maurice McCabe to undermine his claims of impropriety within the police force Minister for Justice Frances Fitzgerald was frank, honest and clear.

“Nobody is trying to smear that rat bastard, whistleblowers have our full support. Also, the Commissioner’s position is tenable until such a point as it is untenable, if someone wants to suggest she resign, that is a sign that to resign is a sign she would in fact resign, which is fine,” the unflustered Minister confirmed.

The government apologised for any perceived lack of clarity in its handling of the affair, but explained that the Junior Minister for Alternative Facts was out sick all last week. Political commentators believe the latest round of statements from various government ministers, which all seems to contradict one another is just the sort of coherent and steady hand the country needs as it continues on its tentative way to economic recovery.

Elsewhere, members of Sinn Féin were rushed to hospital with a burst blood vessels as they attempted to show just how irate and disgusted they are by the scandal. Fianna Fáil have gone on record to state they will be irreversibly disgusted and outraged by the revelations once they are certain they have the finances in place to carry out a successful general election campaign.