I am finally ready to come out with something. For years I have presented myself as a typical heterosexual woman, but that’s just not who I am. I am a squirter. Yes, a squirter. As in, I can shoot pussy juice from my floppies when I get excited. Yes, it’s a real phenomenon, and no, it’s not a choice.

I know what you’re thinking: What? Her?? The girl who loves wearing dresses and does a crazy good cat eye? How could she be a squirter? But the truth is, you’ve been conditioned by society to think that squirters have to look or talk a certain way, that we all dress steampunk and use industrial tarps as sheets. You probably assume I’m just a regular straight person because I use Instagram and have a four-legged dog, but there’s more to me than that. Specifically the squirting part.

I’ve been this way ever since I was a little girl, but I’ve always been afraid to publicly announce it. I remember one time in third grade when the boys were chasing the girls on the playground. My best friends Chelsea and Mariel wanted to talk about which boys they hoped would catch them, but when it came to my turn, I couldn’t even feign interest. All I wanted to do was turn my yoni into a water gun, but even then I knew that people would think it was weird. So instead I pretended to be straight and let Bobby catch me with his stubby boy fingers.

And then I kept pretending to be straight for most of my life. I guess I thought people would judge me or see me differently if I told them I was a squirter and not just “normal” and straight like them. But I don’t care anymore. I’m proud of who I am, and I want the world to know it.

A lot of people assume that if you’re a squirter, you’ve done porn or your parents didn’t love you or you’re made of wax. But that’s only a stereotype. We’re just normal people, and we have thoughts and feelings, too. Like, did you know I won a photography contest in my sophomore year of high school? Most of the time, squirters are just living their lives normally, not having sex, just like regular straight people. And no, I don’t want to have a threesome with you and your rubber sheets. PLEASE STOP ASKING, ewwww.

I like having sex, just like most people! But I’m not always trying to have sex. And just because I am a squirter doesn’t mean I’m going to try and squirt on you! Being a squirter doesn’t mean I want to squirt on every person I see. People can be so insensitive sometimes.

I am in a happy relationship now (love you, Sam) and he is so kind and so sweet and made me realize that I need to be honest with myself. I am not going to let society dictate who I am anymore. Chances are good that you have friends who are squirters, too. We look just like you regs straight people but we are different! And all we want is to be accepted for who we are—squirters who might be straight but are mostly squirters.