Doomsday Clock Moves Two Minutes Closer to Louis CK Appearing on Joe Rogan’s Podcast

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. — The Doomsday Clock, a graphical representation of humanity’s impending doom, moved forward to 11:59:59 p.m. last week in anticipation of Louis CK’s inevitable appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience, atomic scientists confirmed.

“Many disciplines of science are working together to accurately predict the time and date of dick-brandisher Louis CK’s four-hour-plus interview on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast,” explained lead researcher Dr. Klaus Schwerzeiten. “This event will be a singularity, initiating endless Facebook rants from stupid high school acquaintances and male edgelords defending Mr. CK.”

The metaphorical clock, which appears on the cover of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, was started by Manhattan Project scientists in the aftermath of the World War II bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The impending Rogan/CK exchange represents one of the hardest-to-quantify threats yet for the team.

“We’ve made statements in front of Congress recommending they engage the military to prevent such an occurrence. We know for a fact that Joe Rogan is not the guy to handle such a delicate situation,” Schwerzeiten continued. “Rogan will assuredly not challenge his guest into having an honest conversation, instead likely laughing politely at CK’s out-of-touch observations.”

“Making the potential damage worse,” Schwerzeiten added, “[Rogan] will almost certainly dedicate 30 minutes of conversation with Bill Burr about it. We are not prepared for this.”

CK, who has admitted to masturbating in front of multiple women without their consent, still maintains a dedicated fan base enthusiastic for his inevitable appearance.

“Yeah, man! I would totally listen to that shit, bro. I can’t wait to hear two of my favorite comedians, just chopping it up like a couple of dudes on the jobsite,” said mechanic Danny Lobrello. “I saw Louis do a set out on Long Island, and I swear, my girlfriend and I basically shit our pants when the guy started talking about Asian penises.”

Unfortunately, scientists concede that predicting the actual timing of CK’s appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience is quite difficult.

“By the time we have an actual estimate, you may already see Louis’ blotchy, rotting pumpkin face as a thumbnail on a Youtube suggested video,” admitted Dr. Maria Flores, a physicist at Stanford. “Look for it below ‘Ben Shapiro EVISCERATES SJW Libtard in Debate’ and above ‘Jordan Peterson Clarifies Statement on Stuffing Women in Cages.’”