Ever wondered what News Corp editors are thinking? We’ve put together this handy translation guide for recent headlines:

1. “Kevin Rudd played with children as the nation’s finances were laid bare” (Daily Telegraph, 13 August)

Translation: If we had a picture of Rudd playing the fiddle against a backdrop of western Sydney burning we would have used that instead

2. “Jobs market ‘flatlines’ in July” (The Australian, 8 August)

Translation: Jobs figures are inconveniently steady this month

3. “Jobs fall a blow to Rudd” and “Rudd wrong as QLD jobs jump” (The Australian, 9 August)

Translation: Whether the jobs figures go up or down, Rudd is bad

4. “Trust me: Abbott urges fresh start for Australia” (Herald Sun, 12 August)

Translation: Trust him: His political slogans are our front-page news

5. “I know nuthink!” (Daily Telegraph, 8 August, with Rudd, Anthony Albanese and Craig Thomson pictured as Hogan’s Heroes)

Translation: Our readers are over 50. They’ll get it.

6. “Abbott cements lead as Rudd slips” (The Australian, 12 August, on Newspoll)

Translation: Two party–preferred stats remain unchanged; Rudd’s personal lead over Abbott now merely large, compared to massive

7. “$20m to woo Muslim voters” (Daily Telegraph, 12 August)

Translation: Rudd government gives $20m to aged-care facilities in Sydney’s Muslim and Lebanese Christian communities – but as they’re Lebanese, we will refer to them all as Muslim

8. “Opposition gets to crunch the numbers” (Adelaide Advertiser, 12 August, on the Pre-election Economic and Fiscal Outlook, PEFO)

Translation: Let’s pretend the Coalition actually wants to release costed policies based on Treasury figures

9. “More volatility ahead for budget: PEFO” (The Australian, 13 August)

Translation: The budget forecasts are exactly the same as they were in the previous economic statement

10. “Economy heads for fatal slowdown: Rolling coverage” (Adelaide Advertiser, 13 August)

Translation: Listen to us bang on about how terrible the economy is until this government is voted out

11. “Bill Shorten to lead Labor, say punters” (Adelaide Advertiser, 13 August)

Translation: Rudd has already lost the election, say drunk people in bars

12. “Williams resigns as News Corp chief” (The Australian, 9 August)

Translation: Good riddance, weakling. Shit is about to get real.

13. “Kick this mob out” (Daily Telegraph, 5 August)

Translation not required