1. Being hungry sucks.

It's good to check in with yourself to see if you're still hungry, and if you are? You should eat. Because being hungry is your body's way of telling you it wants more calories because it needs more energy. Sure, mindlessly eating a billion calories isn't the best thing for you (although sometimes it just needs to be done!), but if you're listening to your body and reading your hunger signals, you should eat until you're full. It feels awesome to be physically sated. Like being hugged by a pizza. Heaven!

2. It's annoying to eat out with you.

If we go out to eat and you only order a side salad, I'm gonna hate you, because FYI: You're the worst.

3. Tater tots.

4. Dieting plays into that creepy female culture of competitive non-eating.

Let's be competitive with each other over who gets to be class valedictorian or who gets a partner slot at the law firm first. Better yet, let's be competitive with men over those things. Ladies have enough going against us, and worrying about restricting our caloric intake to meet some ridiculous ideal shouldn't be one of those things. Instead, let's band together and help push each other's fat (and skinny) (and enormous) (and tiny) asses to accomplish our dreams! Go team!

5. Cake.

6. Pie.

7. French fries.

8. Dieting pretends that losing weight will make every aspect of your life better.

It won't. How about instead you use that time and energy to work on loving yourself, because you're perfect, as is. Now, pass the French fries, you beautiful, perfect thing, you.

9. Dieting makes you feel guilty about food.

By making some foods "good" and other foods "bad" or "clean" or "dirty," as is the parlance these days, you ascribe guilt to eating certain things and virtue to eating others, and that's fucked. Sure, some foods are more nutritionally sound, and you should probably eat more of them, but you know what? Sometimes eating a bag of deep-fried waffle crisps is the right thing to do for yourself in the moment! Food isn't good or bad, it just is. And if you eat a doughnut on Doughnut Friday at work, that doesn't mean you're bad. It just makes you a person who wanted to eat a doughnut. (Which, in turn, means you're a person who is also a human because doughnuts, amirite?)

10. Loving your body as it is feels better than pretty much anything else.

Remember that old saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? I call bullshit; that person obviously never had truffle popcorn. And you know what else? Loving your body as it is feels a whole helluva lot better than zipping up a smaller pair of jeans. Looking in a mirror and seeing yourself, as you are, gorgeous and perfect, and loving it. Nothing tastes as good as that feels. Except maybe truffle popcorn.

11. Truffle popcorn.

12. Dieting is bo-ring.

And you're not! You are the most fun and you want to take a bite out of life, starting with some, you guessed it, truffle popcorn. OMG, that shit is so damn tasty. Give it to me.

13. Food is good and life is short.

We're all going to be rotting six feet under before you know it, so why not take a bite out of the chocolate croissant of life while you still can? You can diet while you're dead. (Seriously, I heard Jenny Craig has several stores in hell.)

14. Chocolate croissants.

15. Let's be real, you're probably going to gain the weight back.

Dieting, for the most part, just doesn't work. So how about just commit to mindful eating, a sane amount of exercise, and a bourbon cocktail a couple times a week (with a side of dark chocolate-covered sea salt almonds, of course)? Doesn't that sound so much better? Right? And please invite me over. I need a night of Manhattans, leftover Halloween candy, and Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Living the (delicious) dream!

16. Dieting is exhausting.

All that measuring and portioning and worrying if this is actually Paleo or wait, are there 150 calories in a cup of Brussels sprouts? Or 200? What calorie tracker are you using? Did you tare your scale? Is this oven on? *Sticks head into it.*

17. Tater tots!!!

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Laura Beck Laura Beck is a Los Angeles-based TV writer and frequent contributor to Cosmopolitan.com — her work has appeared in the New York Times, New Yorker, Jezebel, and the Village Voice.

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