Dear friends and loved ones,

This is my son Klav. As you can see, he is beautiful. Thank goodness, because I am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted from delivering Klav into the world. It took forever, plus however long it takes to read "What is Code?"

Have you ever heard the song "What Child is This?" It asks, "What child is this?" And the answer is "Klav." Haste, haste, to bring him laud. (Please do not bring Klav any frankincense or myrrh, as he has a strong aversion to organic liquids.) Actually there are two songs that really remind me of Klav. I can't remember the name of the other one, but you might know it from the 2001 film Donnie Darko, starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Now that Klav has been born I guess I won't have as much time for light-hearted romantic comedies about cute boys and bunnies. :(

OMG you guys, I'm kidding, my life had literally no direction until I met Klav — he is incredibly goal-oriented and has prodigious hand-eye coordination.

Klav doesn't really get along with the dog, so he killed it. That's fine, we love Klav and Klav weighs 10 pounds and eight ounces. What a big boy! Fun fact: his eyes alone weigh three pounds. They are made of glass.

Klav is 28 inches long, and the footprint we got at the hospital sort of looks like the marks left behind after dinosaurs scratch at windows in the Jurassic Park films. We'd like to get his first claw marks framed, so if anyone has any Michael's coupons they're not using we certainly wouldn't turn them down. ;)

Please join us next Saturday as we welcome baby Klav to Brooklyn with a party on the half-sunk boat in the Gowanus Canal. We will be serving Mac & Cheetos, deviled eggs, and Joaquin Pheonix. Klav's cousins Pip and Bredford will also be in attendance, celebrating their sentience! Gifts are not encouraged, as Klav has terrible manners and no empathy and will certainly fail to be appreciative. Please bring wine.

Uhh, I am not kidding: Klav is so advanced, he has gone and put his own skin on while I was typing this birth announcement!!!!!!!!

You can learn more about Klav by Googling "Millennium FX Animatronic Baby" or typing "WHY HAS GOD ABANDONED US" into the Imgur search bar. Please don't read the comments, as they are very hurtful to Klav. Haha just kidding, you know me, I'm a big old lazy pants and I haven't finished setting up Klav's feelings yet. The instruction booklet is just so long and who reads those anyway? Okay I've talked your ear off long enough, dolls, I better go see if Klav is just playing with the neighbor's recycling or if he has already eaten 84 empty soup cans.

Kisses!!!

XOXO

Hugs!!!

P.S. This is awkward but I showed the pics of Klav to my husband and for some reason he said "that's the scariest thing I've seen in 5ever" so obviously I'm not talking to him right now and honestly neither should you if you're really my friend.

Segway's robot butler of the future