The Lost Gospel

BOOK 1

WISEMAN: Here are your gifts: frankincense, gold, and myrrh.

JOSEPH: That’s great, but we could really use some food…

MARY: Or shelter.

JOSEPH: Or medicine.

MARY: Or parents.

JOSEPH: We’re 13.

MARY: Really, just literally anything other than the things you did bring us.

WISEMAN: These are for the messiah. I’m sure he’ll need them for something.

MARY: Why do you think our barn baby is the savior?

WISEMAN: We saw a really, really bright star.

MARY: You know that the light you’re seeing from the star is like six million years old, right?

WISEMAN: To be honest, we don’t even know what stars are. Our wiseness does not apply to science. Or math. Or geography.

MARY: And what did you think a baby was going to do with myrrh? Was it just something you had on you?

WISEMAN: …We were really banking on running into a Baby Gap before we got here.

BOOK 2

MARK: Whoa! So you can turn water into wine?

JESUS: Yep.

MARK: And what amazing things have you done with this fantastical power?

JESUS: I dunno. I get fish drunk a lot. Oh! This one time Judas was washing his clothes in a river and I turned the river into wine and then all of his clothes got ruined. He had to spend 30 silver pieces to get a new wardrobe. It was hilarious.

MARK: I think you’re missing the point of your miraculous ability.

JESUS: I turned the Dead Sea into a 96 BC pinot noir. I bet you’ll change your tune after giving that a shot.

BOOK 3

MARK: Wow, a lot of people showed up. Are we expected to provide lunch?

JESUS: Probably.

MARK: Oh man, we did not plan for this. We only have one loaf of stale bread and one fish.

JESUS: I’ll take care of this with my Jesus Magic.

(He creates a buttload of fish and bread.)

MARK: Ah. I see you used your holy superpowers to make piles of dead fish and stale bread.

JESUS: Yep. Now we can feed everyone.

MATTHEW: I’m just guessing, but I doubt everyone wanted raw fish sandwiches, Jesus.

JUDAS: Yeah man, you couldn’t have made, like, a couple of PB & J’s?

JESUS: Hey, be grateful. Now Judas, you should probably start gutting these thousands of dead fish I just created and dumped in a pile on the ground next to the swarm of flies.

BOOK 4

JESUS: I’mma cure them leopards, guys. You guys! Let’s gooooo… let’s… go heal those jungle cats.

MARK: Lepers. You want to heal the lepers.

JUDAS: Jesus, you need to sit down. You’re drunk again.

MATTHEW: Your blood is literally wine.

JESUS: Man, I’m hungry… but lo, there’s only one raw fish pizza roll left. WAIT, I KNOW WHAT TO DO!

JUDAS: I know what you’re thinking, and please DO NOT do it. The toilet’s clogged and we cannot afford for you to have raw fish diarrhea again.

BOOK 5

JESUS: So what does everyone want to eat for supper?

JUDAS: Actually, can I just suggest anything but—

JESUS: Why don’t we eat me?

JUDAS: Ugh. Every Tuesday.

JESUS: Eat my body, for it is bread. Drink my blood, for it is wine.

JUDAS: This’ll teach me to dedicate my life to a giant Pillsbury Doughboy filled with booze.

BOOK 6

JESUS: Ugh, being crucified sucks. You know what’s ironic?

MATTHEW: What?

JESUS: I built this cross for the Romans. I should’ve known it would turn out like this when they specified it be big enough to hold someone exactly my size and weight.

MATTHEW: Wait. You’re still taking carpentry jobs on the side?

JESUS: Every now and then. Curing the blind doesn’t really pay the bills.

MATTHEW: It should. Most optometrists do pretty well financially.

JESUS: Those cheap blind bastards lied to me.

BOOK 7

JESUS: Hey, I’m back!

MARY: Oh, uh… hey Jesus.

JESUS: So I ran into the life insurance guy outside. He had this massive sack of gold for you guys ‘cuz I guess I was covered up the wazoo. I told him to beat it, ‘cuz I ain’t dead! Now I’mma take a quick nap and—what the hell is this?!

MARY: Oh Christ.

JESUS: You already turned my room into a study? Wow. I see how things are, MOM.

MARY: Oh, don’t overreact.

JESUS: I’M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD.

JOSEPH: Now, son…

JESUS: I MEAN MY REAL DAD. INVISIBLE SKY DAD.

MARY: Goodbye, son.

JESUS: Can I have my myrrh back, please?

MARY: …We sold all of your stuff at the garage sale.

JESUS: For someone named “the Virgin,” you sure do like fucking with me, Mom.