“I have cancer.” Unless we’ve been in their shoes, it’s not easy for us to know how to respond when someone says these three words. We want to say something that will show our support and provide comfort, but sometimes what we mean to say and what we do say are two different things. Here are a few well-intentioned words of encouragement that can inadvertently have the opposite effect.

“You’re so strong.”

“You’re so strong, you can fight this,” is something many people say to friends who have been diagnosed with cancer. The thing is, when loved ones are diagnosed with a serious illness, whether they’re strong or not doesn’t matter—the disease will take its own course. What does matter is that people with cancer can express when they’re not feeling so strong, when they’re feeling vulnerable, and when they need help.

“Hearing that phrase constantly throughout my entire journey made me feel like my fears, my anxiety, the stress and horror of it all were either being dismissed or that people felt that I did not need as much support as others might,” says breast cancer survivor Liz Visentin. “Dealing with a diagnosis and the treatment is not a show of strength. One simply has to face and go through the tests and treatments, no matter what one thinks or how one feels physically or emotionally.”

What would be better? Visentin, a retired teacher, suggests a good response to “I have cancer,” may be something like, “I am so sorry to hear that. How are you coping with all of this news and information right now?” This allows the person the option of saying how they feel, and not feel that they have to live up to expectations.

“When I had cancer…”

Some people wanted to tell Robin Novotny, a colon cancer patient at Comprehensive Cancer Centers of Nevada, about their own experiences with cancer. “Some wanted to tell me how bad they had it,” she says. Other people may want to share what they saw with other friends or loved ones as they were treated for cancer. But while it may seem natural to want to find a connection, especially when times are tough, one person’s experience with illness and treatment isn’t the same as someone else’s—even if it’s the same disease. So, it’s best not to talk about your or someone else’s experience unless you are asked.

“Let me know if you need help.”

This is something many of us have likely said at one time or another to someone going through a rough time; we want to help and this sounds like a good way to express it. But such blanket statements rarely result in the person actually asking for help, it seems. Instead, offering concrete help is much more effective, say both Visentin and Novotny. “What would have made a huge world of difference to me [is] if people had directly offered to do things,” Visentin says. “Saying things like, ’Would you like me to bring you dinner on days you have chemo, or would you like some company?’”

Novotny appreciated when people took action, too. “I am a stickler on cleaning my house,” she says. “But during the radiation and chemo together, I didn’t have the strength. Teachers from my school pitched in and hired a maid. It was amazing!”

Visentin explains it this way: “The more independent a person is prior to diagnosis, the more difficult it is for them to ask for assistance.” In other words, if you don’t offer something specific, the onus is on the person who needs help to ask—and he or she may not be able to.

“Do you know what caused your cancer?”

It’s natural to be curious about people’s health. But asking about screenings or possible causes for cancer can be intrusive and has no bearing on the here and now. Novotny recalls being asked what caused her cancer, particularly when she was diagnosed for a second time. It’s hard to answer questions like that.

“What difference does it make when I last had a diagnostic test?” Visentin asks. “And the connotation behind the question made me feel like they were trying to blame me for having cancer, based on whether or not [I] had this screening test or how often [I] had it. It made me feel similar to how a lung cancer patient might feel if they were a smoker and people were asking them how much they smoked, and how long. One feels judged negatively.”

The Words That Do Help

So, in contrast to what we shouldn’t say to someone who has cancer, what are some things that would be good to say? There are many, according to Novotny. “I would tell the person that I would want to keep in contact with them, and ask what is the best way,” she says. Do they want calls? Would they like a quick visit midday? Are emails or texts better? Respecting these requests allows the person with cancer to have a bit of control over the contact and how long it lasts. “I would reach a point when just holding the phone up to my ear, let alone talk, would wear me out,” Novotny says. “The people who sent cards with thoughtful notes meant a lot. I could read them when I started to feel down.”

When asked what she would say to someone who was newly diagnosed with cancer, Visentin said she would ask if they have someone they can talk to or if they had a companion to go to appointments or tests. If not, she would offer to go, or ask if they would want her to visit after, just to talk. “I would tell them that I was here to listen and to feel free to say anything that is on their mind.”

Family, friends and coworkers can be invaluable to someone who is going through cancer treatment. Being ill can be isolating and silence makes it more so. A kind word, a thoughtful offer of help, even just your presence can make a big difference in helping someone feel less alone at such a stressful time. If you’re not sure of what to say – that’s ok. You can tell your loved one that. Be open, be honest and say what’s in your heart. Just as important, be ready to simply listen.