A man will be living in a glass apartment at the Mall of America for a month. He's supposed to "model daily physical activity and healthy eating" on behalf of Blue Cross. As an AP article notes without a trace of irony, "for privacy reasons, the man is known only as Scott." Excerpts from the diary I'd write if I were "Scott":

Day 1: Going great! I modeled some salad eating and some jumping jacks, and then modeled the effects of passing out and hitting your head on the floor. They've drilled some air holes in the wall so that won't happen again.

Day 2: People seem really supportive and encouraging! One guy was nodding while I did sit-ups. I could tell he was reconsidering his life choices because he looked at the bag of caramel corn in his hand, and seemed to hesitate before he finished it. I'll bet tomorrow he thinks "I'll get the small size bag in honor of Scott, the Fitness Dude in the Clear House."

Day 12: Hey! So I'm not doing exercise right this very moment. Sorry the performing chimp has to take a break now and then. Here, watch me model some good fiber intake, if it jazzes up your empty life.

Day 18: Have stopped up the airholes with some socks, because I can smell the Cinnabon. People are taunting me with cups of icing.

Day 22: Invented a new exercise based on throwing barbells at the glass. They bounced off. Landed on my foot. People think hopping is a new exercise, and some are copying me.

Day 24: Paid $40 yesterday to someone who rolled up a pizza slice and pushed through an air hole.

Day 26: Have to make it to 30 days or I don't get the million dollars. I do get a million, right? I don't remember. Has to be reason for this.

Day 28: been watching the statue of spongebob all nite tryin to catch him blinking.

Day 30: man unlocking door pretended he forgot combination, hahaha! funny guy. Now at county lockup on assault charge. may get 30 days but dont care. cellmate says they have corn dogs every day.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/popcrush.