Okay, goddammit…I can’t take it anymore. It’s come to this. Listen to me carefully, people. Listen with your ears, and hear me with your soul. The television show “Big Bang Theory” is bad. Really bad. Like, terrible. And every time I bring that up to someone, they look as if I’ve sodomized their grandma’s cat whilst wearing my Obama t-shirt. I hear responses like “Un-fucking-MURICAN! Fuckin’-A, IT’S FUGGIN HILARIOUS!! EAT SHIT AND DIE, FAG!” And so on.

A little back story. If you’re not familiar with this particular network television offering, the premise of Big Bang Theory centers around a bunch of physicists and their crew of stereotypically smart-yet-socially-awkward genius friends and the hot whore that lives across the hall. Imagine “Seinfeld” if Jerry happened to work at the JPL and Kramer was a hot blonde actress. Oh, and in order for this comparison to work you’d have to lose all of the funny stuff that made “Seinfeld” watchable and add a big, stupid, obvious LAUGH TRACK OVER EVERY GODDAM JOKE, ASIDE, LEER, SIGH, OR AWKWARD PAUSE. But I digress.

It’s funny to me that most of the people who find it odd that I don’t DVR every episode of “Theory” are not what I’d call “geeks.” In fact, most of them are softball-playing frat boys or golf-addicted pseudo-jocks. It’s like they know I’m a geek and expect me to love this piece of network crap simply because “well…them guys are all nerds like you!” Brilliant. And therein lies the problem. See, this show was created by Chuck Lorre. Remember that guy? He’s the creator of a show you may have heard of called “Two And A Half Men.” Yes, the show with John Cryer and, oh…what was his name…the other guy? Gosh, can’t seem to remember. He kind of disappeared after gracefully exiting the show. Huh. Anyway, “Men” is a huge success, and is based on the same formula that’s been used for television comedies for, well… EVER. The Odd Couple, Three’s Company, Gilligan’s Island, House…the list goes on and on. When it works, it’s comedy gold. When it doesn’t…it’s “Big Bang Theory.” God, even the name of the show pisses me off. See. it’s a physics-related phrase that also has the word “BANG” in it, like “boy, we half-dicked science nerds sure would like to BANG a real female vagina…wait! There’s a hot chick across the hall that would never even look our direction in real life, but now she’s woven into our lives to create sexual tension and give everyone something to masturbate to!” BAZINGA!!

Bazinga. Don’t even…no. Not going there.

Comedy. That’s what this show needs. You know what this show has instead? “Jokes” like these. Seriously, here are some honest-to-god quotes from the show. Try not to bust a gut…

“Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.” BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GET IT? STAR TREK!!

“A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.” WOOOO-HOOOO! HE SAID “EVILOUSHUN!” GEEKS ARE SOOOO FUNNY!!

“I don’t know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.” I KNOW, RITE? CHICKS CAN’T PWN NEWBS ON “NUKETOWN!”

“A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge.’” Okay, so that one’s actually pretty funny. Damn it.

The point is, these jokes are written, I’m guessing, by non-geeks who lurk on Reddit or have friends who’ve bought t-shirts from J!NX, and then try and write to an audience they don’t really “get.” It’s like Michael Richards writing to the Spike Lee crowd, only with much less hatred. But now the show has become wildly popular with the non-geek crowd, in part, I think, as a response to the fact that geeks are taking over the world. Zuckerberg, Jobs, Gates, the Google guys…they are our new overlords. The Large Hadron Collider makes CNN now and then when the CERN guys make a breakthrough. Movie stars are seen wearing “Portal” shirts. For a non-geek, the paradigm has shifted and maybe they’re just trying to catch up. In which case, maybe I’m over-reacting. Maybe I should welcome the frat boys who have traded in their Hollister shirts for a “Halo” or “Gears of War” t-shirt. It’s a start. (When I see them sporting “Team Fortress 2” or “Deus Ex” shirts, I’ll be impressed.)

In the meantime, me and the rest of the nerd, dorks, geeks, and wonks will be watching OUR shows. Galactica, Dr. Who, Firefly, Mythbusters, and Arrested Development. Some of those shows are obviously no longer on the air. Maybe when the “Affliction” crowd catches up, those shows will be given another chance.

With a laugh track, of course.