Opinion: It’s Time for the Mayonnaise Industry to Turn the Tables and Start Killing Millennials

The Millennial scourge that has rained destructive terror upon our country’s traditional, sentimental product industry has turned its locust-like cataclysmic power on the proud condiment sector of our economy. And the first victim is America’s number five favorite sandwich accompaniment: mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise men! Titans of industry! I submit to you that it is time for us, the proud lubricators of this great nation’s sandwiches, to strike back against the villainous and highly-desirable advertising demographic of 22-38 year olds with a killing stroke of our own! We must start killing Millennials!

Many sacred American institutions have already fallen victim to the murderously passive-aggressive Millennial conspiracy – golf, inescapable mortgage debt, so-called breastaurants, casual rape culture – but as CEO of Meat Jelly Mayo, I am issuing a call to arms to all of my brothers in mayonnaise. Kraft, Heinz, Hunt’s and Hellmann’s have all diversified through ketchup, mustard, relish, and tapenade (whatever that is) to the point where they can survive a mayo collapse. Do not envy them my mayonnaise brethren, for they are no longer pure! But here at Meat Jelly, mayo is our bread and butter – or, rather, our bread and mayo – and so we are especially vulnerable to this relentless attack on our livelihood. We will not fold like some weak-sauce imitator. We’re not Miracle Whip. We are mayo!

We have remained true to the notion that eggs beaten into oil can make a sandwich tastier and we will not go silently into the night!

The mayonnaise industry has tried to get through to Millennials via creative marketing strategy. Yes, perhaps trying to lure them in with alternative mayonnaises, such as Meat Jelly Woke! Mayo with Caffeine or Meat Jelly Flamin’ Hot Cheetos-Flavored mayo product was ill-advised. The Mayor Naise comic book character we created was deemed a highly-insulting and spectacular failure. I concede that attempting to rebrand these people as Mayolennials was our biggest misfire yet. But you cannot say we have not tried! You can maybe say that we have not tried very hard, if you want me to target you next.

“But murder goes against my precious Judeo-Christian value system!” you whine. Well, then, I could be persuaded to try a policy of systematic capture and re-purposing of Millennials. Avocado toast-based honey traps could be strategically placed throughout various, pre-gentrified urban areas. With the Millennials in captivity, they would be repurposed into wage slaves to prop up social security, or they could be used as Mad Max-style blood bags for Baby Boomers. I am open to ideas, which is my strength as a Captain of Industry. Meat Jelly didn’t become known for the slogan: “Meat Jelly Mayo: It’s like Vanilla for Sandwiches!” by accident. One thing is for sure, we cannot let our sacrosanct condiment industry suffer another day! I will not lose my precious life’s work in mayonnaise to lowly Sriracha peddlers!