Dear Ms. Perrington,

If you are reading this, I urge you to return as soon as possible to resume Penny Perrington’s Poppycock & Twaddle. This “Dear Vox Machina” thing has gotten completely out of control. Today we are publishing an advice column from a bear, but a previous article decimated the budget and we could not afford a druid to cast a speak with animals spell for a translation. I fear our grand publication may soon go under.

Please hurry back!

Beatrice Von Kliegel

Editor in Chief, Tal’Dorei Times

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Trinket,

Not that long ago, I cast a shapeshifting spell on myself to turn me into a powerful animal. I, of course, chose a bear. However, try as I may, I can’t seem to figure out how to change myself back. Seeing as I may be in this form for quite some time, I was wondering how you do your bear thing? You know, how do you keep yourself busy? What are the best bear snacks to eat? That kind of thing.

~ A Beary Unfortunate Mage

Growl! Maouff roar! Grr grr growl. Growl moan growly growl. Pffbt maouff grr growl grr. Growl growl Keyleth growl grr mrrph oumph grr grr grr. Mouff growl grr growl mouff growl growl grr, growl mouff, growl grr grr grr growl humph. Rawr raw aroooo phbbt maouf rawr growl. Pffbt grr roar roar growl grr growl roar. Mouff grr growl bear pun growl moan growl grr mouff. Growl growl growl, growl moan growl mouff, grr growl, grr growl something called a Pokéball growl gowl.

Dear Trinket,

My parents are both elves, and I’m an only child. Since I was very young, I can remember people making snide remarks about how I look more like a dragon than an elf. My parents say they’re just mean and can’t accept that I look different. But the thing is, I actually do look like a dragon. I have scales and pointy teeth and even a tail. I love my parents dearly. How can I tell them I’m adopted?

~ Pretty Sure I’m Not an Elf But I Could Be Wrong

Growl growl growl. Grr mouff growl growl roar roar grr growl, grr grr grr growl pffbt growl grr growl growl. Mouff growl grr growl, roar growl grr growl roar grr. Grr growl grr, mouff mouff phfffffffffffbt roar. Mrrff growl growl grr rawr. Growl growl growl growly growl growl. Pffbt. Growl grr rowor? Growl growl moan grr growl. Mouff grr growl grr. Growl growl growl grr mrrph oumph grr grr grr. Mouff growl grr growl mouff growl growl grr, growl mouff, growl grr grr grr growl humph.

Maouff roar! Grr grr growl. Growl! Pffbt maouff grr growl grr. Growl moan growly growl. <3 <3 <3

Dear Trinket,

Can I shoot a magic missile at the darkness? My friends say no, but I think I can.

~ Missile Happy Melissa

Mouf.

TRINKET OUT!

What questions are you just itching to ask Trinket? Ask them in the comments, but be sure to translate them into bear first!

Image credits: Zoe Martin, hankered-waistline, DJ Format