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Hillary Clinton is out of the campaign grinder for good, and that means that she is finally free to let loose and be the person in public that she’s apparently been hiding in private all this time. While it’s no surprise that the former lawyer, First Lady, senator, and Secretary of State had to hold a lot back in order to pursue her goal to break the ultimate glass ceiling, what we didn’t realize was just how much she was reining in her sense of humor.



How funny is Clinton? Here are some of the best zingers of her new book, What Happened.

1. When she got arch-nemesis Jason Chaffetz confused with Reince Priebus.

"I saw a man off to the side who I thought was Reince Priebus, head of the Republican National Committee and incoming White House Chief of Staff. As I passed by, we shook hands and exchanged small talk. Later I realized it hadn't been Priebus at all. It was Jason Chaffetz, the then-Utah Congressman and wannabe Javert who made endless political hay out of my emails and the 2012 tragedy in Benghazi, Libya. Later, Chaffetz posted a picture of our handshake with the caption 'So pleased she is not the President. I thanked her for her service and wished her luck. The investigation continues.' What a class act! I came this close to tweeting back, 'To be honest, thought you were Reince.'"

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2. When she gave a shout-out to the presidential losers club.

“I doubt that many people reading this will ever lose a presidential election. (Although maybe some have: hi Al, hi John, hi Mitt, hope you’re well.)

3. When she shared what was really in her private speeches.

“I rarely got partisan. What I had to say was interesting to my audiences, but it wasn’t especially newsworthy. Many of the organizations wanted the speeches to be private, and I respected that. They were paying for a unique experience. That allowed me to be candid about my impressions of world leaders who might be offended if they heard. (I’m talking about you, Vladimir.)”

4. Also, when she called Vladimir Putin a “manspreader.”

“When I sat with Putin in meetings, he looked more like one of those guys on the subway who imperiously spread their legs wide, encroaching on everyone else’s space, as if to say, ‘I take what I want,’ and ‘I have so little respect for you that I’m going to act like I’m lounging at home in my bathrobe.’ They call it ‘manspreading.’ That was Putin.”

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5. When she zinged Trump on his golf and Twitter time.

“… Donald Trump [is] spending about 20 percent of his new presidency at his own luxury golf clubs. I sometimes wonder: if you add together his time spend on golf, Twitter, and cable news, what’s left?”

6. When she made a truly groan-worthy pun about media coverage.

“The New York Times did an analysis that concluded that my [burrito bowl] was healthier than the average Chipotle order, with fewer calories, saturated fat, and sodium. (Good “get” for the Times; they really ate CNN’s lunch on that one.)

7. When she shared the unusual way she and her team heated up food on the campaign trail.

“A few days later, shipments of canned salmon, as well as Quest and King protein bars, arrived at my house, which we lugged onto the plane in canvas totes. When the Quest bars got cold, they were too hard to eat, so we sat on them for a few minutes to warm them up, with as much dignity as one can muster at such a moment.”

8. When she talked about her infamous 2008 New Hampshire primary “tears.”

“I had my own famed tearful moment, just before the New Hampshire primary in 2008. I didn’t even cry, not really. I was talking about how tough running for office can be (and it can be very tough), and my eyes glistened for a moment and my voice quavered for about one sentence. That was it. It became the biggest news story in American. It will, no doubt, merit a line in my obituary someday: ‘Her eyes once watered on camera.’”

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9. When she gave us deep insight into Bill Clinton’s true love - organizing bookshelves.

“I know some people wonder why [Bill and I] are still together. I heard it again in the 2016 campaign, that ‘we must have an arrangement’ (we do, it’s called a marriage); that I helped him become President and then stayed so he could help me become President (no); that we lead completely separate lives, and it’s just a marriage on paper now (he is reading this over my shoulder in our kitchen with our dogs underfoot, and in a minute he will reorganize our bookshelves for the millionth time, which means I will not be able to find any of my books, and once I learn the new system he’ll just redo it again, but I don’t mind because he really loves to organize those bookshelves).”

10. When she talked about “magic abs!”

“Jake Sullivan, my top policy advisor, told me [Bernie Sanders policy proposals] reminded him of a scene from the 1998 movie There’s Something About Mary. A deranged hitchhiker says he’s come up with a brilliant plan. Instead of the famous ‘eight-minute abs’ exercise routine, he’s going to market ‘seven-minute abs.’ It’s the same, just quicker. Then the driver, played by Ben Stiller, says, ‘Well, why not six-minute abs?’ That’s what it was like in policy debates with Bernie. We would propose a bold infrastructure investment plan or and ambitious new apprenticeship program for young people, and then Bernie would announce basically the same thing, but bigger. On issue after issue, it was like he kept promising four-minute abs, or even no-minute abs. Magic abs!”

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11. When she almost called herself an OAF.

“The working name of our new umbrella organization was Our American Future. We created a logo and a website and prepared to go public. Luckily, a friend of mine pointed out that the acronym of Our American Future would be OAF. I imagined the headlines: ‘Hillary Clinton Lurches Out of the Woods: Here Comes OAF.’”

12. When she sent an email trashing Mitt Romney.

“After [Barack Obama’s] rough first presidential debate with Mitt Romney in 2012, I tried to cheer him up with a photoshopped image of Big Bird strapped to Mitt’s family car. (Romney had promised to slash funding for PBS, and also famously took road trips with his dog on the roof of his car.)

“’Please take a look at the image below, smile, and then keep that smile near at hand,’ I told the President.’”

13. And then shared emails about how she couldn’t place a simple call when she was Secretary of State.

“Subject: Re: Diane Watson to retire

I’d like to call her.

But right now I’m fighting w the WH operator who doesn’t believe I am who I say and wants my direct office line even tho I’m not there and I just [gave] him my home # and the State Dept # and I told him I had no idea what my direct office # was since I didn’t call myself and I just hung up and am calling thru Ops like a proper and properly dependent Secretary [of] State – no independent dialing allowed.”

14. When she “but her emails!” herself.

“Imagine you’re a kid sitting in history class thirty years from now learning about the 2016 presidential election, which brought to power the least experienced, least knowledgeable, least competent President our country has every had. Something must have gone horribly wrong, you think. Then you hear that one issue dominated press coverage and public debate in that race more than any other. ‘Climate change?’ you ask. ‘Health care?’ ‘No,’ your teacher responds. ‘Emails.’”

15. When she urges Republicans to quit the party.

“But like most people, Lauren [the president of the Wellesley Republicans club] assumed Trump would lose and things would go back to normal. Now she was wrestling with what it all meant. Join the club, I thought. (Or, quit it! Seriously, if anyone is thinking of quitting the Republican Party, now would be a good time.)”

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