GREENVILLE, DE—With the man having long since strayed from the familiar path of the toll-free number’s main menu, sources confirmed that local Comcast customer Michael Hadlow had entered the remote backwoods of the cable company’s automated phone system Tuesday afternoon. “I think a few questions ago I was supposed to hit 6 instead of 8, and now I don’t know how to go back,” said a disoriented Hadlow, who, as he blindly stumbled deeper into the uncharted hinterlands regarding appointment scheduling and equipment installation options, held onto a brief glimmer of hope that the prerecorded voice would throw him a lifeline by asking if he would like to speak to a customer service assistant. “I need them to send me a new modem, but now it just keeps listing sports channel packages available for purchase. I’ve cycled through it twice now. Jesus, how did I get here?” After finding himself at a dead end in the furthest reaches of the system’s landline pricing plans, Hadlow reportedly managed to escape by hanging up the phone and immediately redialing the 1-800 number.

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