Name: Wilderness.

Age: Seven.

Notable guests: David Cameron.

David Cameron isn’t in the wilderness. I just saw him posing with a £25,000 shed. No, Cameron wasn’t in the wilderness. He was in Wilderness, an Oxfordshire music festival.

What was he doing? Smoking fags, downing booze and hugging Jeremy Corbyn supporters? Yes, exactly that.

I was joking. And yet it might have happened. Someone posted a picture of Cameron on Instagram, glass of wine in one hand, cigarette in the other, accepting a hug from a pink-haired lady in a glittery Corbyn top.

Is it a real photo? It’s hard to say, but Cameron was definitely there. There is another photo of him looking slightly glum in a crowd, accidentally photobombing a selfie taken by a man with a bowler hat, flower crown and waxed moustache.

Those last 14 words make me never want to go to Wilderness. Well, no, it does have a reputation for attracting a certain kind of crowd. This weekend, the BBC posted a video entitled How Posh is Wilderness? If you can get past the man in the Papa sweater bemoaning Glastonbury’s mud, you did better than me.

So is that why Cameron went? Because it’s posh? No! Cameron loves a festival. There is a picture of him attending the equally posh Cornbury festival with Samantha in 2008, sporting an enormous pair of jeans. And who can forget that photo of him chatting to Jeremy Clarkson while wearing a baby sling at Alex James’s cheese festival, Harvest, in 2011?

Those last 18 words make me want to brick myself into my house for ever. Look, I never said he went to good festivals.

These sound like the most Tory festivals ever. Not the most Tory, though. Mid Norfolk MP George Freeman is planning a “Tory Glastonbury” for September that he envisions as a “cultural revival of grassroots Conservatism”.

What does that mean, exactly? He sees it as a “cross between Hay-on-Wye and the Latitude festival”, which admittedly does sound spectacularly conservative.

Are people actually going? Apparently it’s invitation only, and 150-200 people will attend.

Will Cameron be one of them? That depends on whether there will be cigarettes to smoke or Corbyn supporters to embrace.

Do say: “David Cameron, absolute lad.”

Don’t say: “Next year, look out for Theresa May getting dreadlocks outside the legal-high tent.”