GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the condiment-based attraction the perfect way to cool off on a hot day, company representatives revealed Friday that Hellmann’s new theme park would feature the world’s longest lazy mayo river. “Experience the thrilling Tarter Tunnel and the heart-stopping Dijonaise Drop before taking a spin in our tangy, mile-long lazy river made from 100% real mayonnaise,” said spokesperson Angie Leal, adding that the rich, creamy attraction contains a whopping 7,200,000 egg yolks. “Lounge on a ham float as you meander at a leisurely three miles per hour past the Spicy Chipotle Lagoon. Splash underneath zesty mayo waterfalls or just kick back and relax while you’re misted by a fine spray of shelf-stable condiments at Burger Sauce Beach. Your scenic ride ends at the cholesterol-free canola dressing wave pool—or you can hop back on the river and ride it again!” Leal declined to comment on recent reports of slippery guests injuring themselves while attempting to exit the mayo river.

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