After Robin van Persie promised to write every day and was waved off at the station by a teary-eyed Arsène Wenger, the Mill thought it could dust down its hands, swing them in a somnolent style to the back of its gulliver, place its ouched leg and then its un-ouched leg on to the desk and wallow in the fact that there is no work to be done. The Mill is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And with the enormity of that story suffocating every back page from the Romney Marsh Herald to the Bracknell & Ascot Times, the Mill thought it had a dead fish on its hands. Unfortunately, the boss don't see it that way yo. He has peered into those doll-like eyes of the beast and has spied some leftovers of life. And so, after a clip around the ear and stern talking to, another specimen of transfer tribulations has been caught, skinned, cooked and served for your 100%, guaranteed enjoyment*.

Speaking of Van Persie and Manchester United, not everyone in the redder half of Manchester is whooping and/or hollering at the striker's impending arrival. It seems said transfer has put Javier Hernández's nose more out of joint than something that is very out of joint as it leaves him 18th in line at the club for a spot leading Sir Alex Ferguson's frontline, behind the tea lady, one of the programme sellers and the stadium announcer. And so Hernández has apparently told the Scot that he wants to move on to bigger and better things but if that doesn't happen, Juventus will do. Expect the striker to be kissing the badge of the Italian champs once they cough up around £20m smackeroos, a sum which should cover the interest on the Glazers' debt for approximately 0.00000005 nanoseconds.

Liverpool may not like Charlie Adam any more but Charlie Adam sure does like Liverpool. So when Brendan Rodgers told the midfielder to rack off, Adam got his Mr 15% to have a chat with the manager of the Merseyside's club's beloved neighbours. Oooooooooh. Conveniently enough for the former Ross County star, his Mr 15% is the brother of the Everton supremo, David Moyes, who will be forced into doing something he really doesn't want to by the undefeatable I'm-telling-mum-if-you-don't-do-this threat. The alleged midfielder will cost around £4m more than he is really worth.

In other Liverpool news, having pledged his undying, tattooed love for Liverpool and stuck two digits in the direction of Manchester City, Daniel Agger has "stunned" Liverpool by admitting that said undying, tattooed love for Liverpool was really just a six-season-long ship in the night and that he now goes weak at the knees when the Catalan cutie that is Barcelona looks him in the eyes and sings sweet nothings in his ear.

"There is one club who would make it very difficult for me to stay at Anfield. Barcelona would be great because they are the best in the world," he panted heavily, before regaining composure, redoing his shirt, fixing his hair and saying that he is "happy to be a Liverpool player", you know, just in case he is not allowed go play with the older boys.

With all that out of the way, we now get to that part of the day when the Mill has run out of stories and just lumps in a load of tittle-tattle to fill out the space and make it look like the Mill has been doing some research when in actual fact they have been playing with the new DJ app on their phone wondering how things could have been so different/better if their parents had just bought them a freakin' set of decks that Christmas rather than that brobdingnagian Christmas cracker that didn't even had a decent surprise in it.

Barcelona are in town with a case stuffed to the brim with £5 notes and are hoping to leave town without that case but with Alex Song. Louis Saha could be getting injured, sitting on the bench and occasionally showing what a talent he could have been for Sunderland next season. Diamond earrings' Ricardo Fuller will be sparkling for a large town situated on the south bank of the River Tees in the north east next season doing his best to get them promoted. And England hero of Wednesday night, Jermain Defoe, will be the second best striker at either QPR, Aston Villa or Sunderland next season. Or maybe he'll just stay at White Hart Lane. Who knows?

Oh, the Mill almost forgot. Milan plan to fill the Zlatan-Ibrahimovic-shaped hole in the their attack by signing Nicklas Bendtner. No, that's not a typo.

*Not a guarantee