So back in the Hometown exchange I got paired with a wonderful gifter from Ohio, who sent me a metric asston of buckeyes. For those of you not in the know, Buckeyes are 's gift to chocopeanutbuttergoodness aficionados, the official candy of Ohio (and if it's not, it should be). By some horrible wonderful coincidence I finally burned off all those calories just in time for this Secret Santa gifter to taunt me yet again with this Ohioan ambrosia, AND MORE!

Our story begins two hours ago in the car on the 45 minute drive home from town to our isolated farm. My husband and I, being married for 3 years, have reached the point in our relationship where we can spend this entire drive discussing some trivial issue; in this case, it was whether the mail had not yet arrived when we left home or whether we just didn't get anything today. Our mailman, you see, isn't exactly an exemplary employee; we've had to replace recycling bins that he's run over and delivery times (if at all) are based on a formula known only to him and some voodoo doctor deep in the swamps of Louisiana. Let's put it this way: you know that phrase "neither snow nor rain..."? Given that today was sunny and in the upper 80s (32C for the rest of the world), I estimated a whopping 75% chance of delivery. My husband, on the other hand, thought he took the day off to nurse a hangover, as when we arrived home our recycling bins were intact by the mailbox. I had my doubts, but I dutifully checked the mailbox to find two Christmas cards and a large box addressed to me. My first thought was that it was a gift from a friend across the country who said she was sending gifts for my dogs (so that's how our friendship is...) but then I realized it had my Reddit username. Even better, my gifter was from Ohio. My husband and I simultaneously exclaimed: "I hope there are more buckeyes!"

Screw bringing in the groceries, I have a gift! Leaving the mundane details of unloading the car to my husband, I rush inside, box in hand. Like Marcellus Wallace's briefcase, a glow emanates from the open package, illuminating an envelope labeled "Open me last" resting on a some secularly festively wrapped boxes. I gently set it to the side, not wanting to disturb the natural order of things. The gift I opened was a banana keeper, a gadget that I had seen several times on Amazon (4.5 stars as of an hour ago). What a thoughtful santa; he provided me with the means to protect my ISO-certified banana that I would use to measure the rest of the gift. I immediately added the banana I had been saving for tomorrow's road trip, confident that it would be protected against the elements. It was a perfect fit.

The next gift earned me a high five and puppy eyes from the husband: a huge box of buckeyes! Now, let it be understood that in our wedding vows there is no mention of any sharing of chocolate. He can grumble all he wants, but those are mine, MINE! Ok, in the interest of marital peace he can have one. Maybe. If he can find them (they're hidden in the bathroom under my feminine products). The next package was a double wrapped (double the fun!) box of chocolates from another Ohio chocolatier, one of which mysteriously disappeared before I could take the picture. And then even more Ohio-based chocolate wrapped in a pretty red (alas, not edible) bow! Seriously, do you people in Ohio have anything to do but make candy? It must be the long winters buried under a ton of white stuff. I sympathize, I really do. Last year around this time the ground was covered in white here in Florida too. We call it "sand". It was only after my cat helped me open the little stocking filled with two peanut buttery chocolate treats (yes, more Ohio!) that I realized my gifter's ulterior motive. Jealous that I would be wearing a bikini around the same time that he would be wearing a parka and beanie, he decided to feed me enough chocolate to make me blend in with the manatees that are native to my area. I'm on to you, swimstud4000!

Here's where I take a temporary break from snark and circumstance to really thank my santa. The next box contained a light running jacket and headband, a perfect fit and in awesome bright colors. All joking aside, we do have some seriously cold days here yet for some reason I haven't gotten around to getting any warmer running gear. Now I have no excuse not to go for a run when the temperature drops below 70 (21C). Oh, did I say I was done being sarcastic? I lied :)

All this time I had been eyeing the envelope that I was ordered to leave till the end. Now it was finally time for the great unveiling. The card inside depicted a Christmas tree made of flip flops and a sandcastle bucket, both of which are year-round accessories in every Florida home. I felt a pang of empathy, while I have it so good here, my poor santa was freezing to death in the cold of the great white North. Then I emitted a ladylike burp and realized it was really just a twinge of heartburn from all the chocolate I had shoved into my pie hole while unwrapping my gifts. And then I really felt guilty because the card contained a thoughtful, handwritten note from my santa. I'm prepping for my first sprint triathlon in a few weeks, so he explained that the running gear is to prevent sabotaging my training. He related me a mishap at his first triathlon involving a mountain bike that wouldn't shift and something about accidentally running off the course and the chafing of too-tight spandex in areas that shall not be named, but made me glad that the banana keeper he sent me came in factory-sealed shrinkwrap. He also wished me luck in my upcoming race, which made me so happy because I'm very nervous about even being able to complete it.

swimstud4000, as I sprint across the finish line in my snazzy running jacket I will be thinking of you and your awesome gift. Also, how many more weeks of crappy workouts I have to do to burn off the rest of the chocolate you sent me. Because seriously, you delivered big time! Thank you a million times over from me, my cat (who loves her wrapping paper and box gift you sent her), and my husband who just discovered where I hid the buckeyes and is now... wait... STOP EATING MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!!!