I’ve recently stumbled across a goldmine from my childhood. An assortment of things I wrote/shit out when I was between 6-11. They are all terrible. Some of them are more terrible than others though. So I have decided to take the three worst creations from this collection and review them. Let us all laugh at the strange child that I was, and thank god I didn’t pursue a career as an author.

First up is Cool Rhymes and Brill Poems by Luke Spencer aged 9.

Look at this cover. How can you not be immediately engaged? It has a dragon. A man protecting a bin. And of course a demon. If you look at this entourage and not think of Cool Rhymes and Brill Poems, like what is wrong with you?

Okay I have to address the title of this “book”. What demographic am I aiming for here? I sound like a 50 year old desperately trying to relate to the hip and trendy kids. Christ, kids don’t want to read poetry. Especially poetry written by other kids! The only people who want to read a child’s poem is the parents of that child. Fucking 9 year old Luke. Pull your shit together man.

Before moving onward in this masterpiece, let’s check the back. See if there’s anything of note in the blurb.

“Brilliant Poems for all ages” -RTE

“Better than a movie” -Empire

Those are some quotes! Wow Luke, getting the big names are we? RTE, the Irish TV Channel, famous for their critiques on children’s poems. And Empire?! The number one movie magazine said that this excellence, this magnum opus, was better than a film. Even though both are completely different mediums, and you can’t compare one collection of child’s poems to the entire history of cinema. THEY DID IT ANYWAY. They are edgy. They’ve got chutzpah. I like it man.

Underneath those riveting reviews is what I can only guess: a submission form. So this must have been for some sort of write-a-book competition. This is not a book though. It is 10 pages long. There is no fucking book 10 pages long. It is at least a pamphlet. But what were these competition folks expecting? The Bible?

Time to actually delve into this book, or pamphlet, or whatever this is.

On page 1 we have the contents.



It’s your run of the mill contents page. You got the name of content, you got the page where they live. You also got a big shite in the middle, but don’t mention that. It’s art man, it is all art.

I shall now analyze these 9 poems. Like an adult. Because in the law’s eye, I am one.

1. The Shape Poem



What the fuck is this?

“A Shape Poem is a type of poetry that describes an object and is shaped the same as the object the poem is describing” (thanks google)

I just drew a fucking sword and wrote around it. I can’t even read half of what I wrote.

“But when it comes to battles, swords are very sharp”.

Beautiful. Fantastic. Best poem. Cry for me people.

Let me drink your tears to fuel my artistic needs.

2. The Opposite and Describing Poem.



This is my favourite one.

First of all, you can’t have a “describing poem”. Poems inherently describe something. That’s why they exist: to describe a particular thing. Fucking read up, ya lil’ bitch.

I’ll let you read all of my describing but my favourite describing has to be:

“I am happy when I live,

But I am sad when I don’t live”.

Dealing with death. It’s art man. 9 year old Luke, you keeping it real.

3. Syllable Poem.



“Puppy eyed dog”

I don’t think I need to say any more. Look at a dog, it got the eyes of a puppy.

Keepin’ art alive man.

4. Pattern Poem.



I don’t know what the fuck a pattern poem is. I don’t think this is one.

I checked Google. It’s not one.

Why do I like swords so much? Why is the sword red? Am I insinuating that I killed someone? Is the sword the best sword because it is red with the blood of my enemies?

All these questions require answers.

5. Nursery Rhyme.



I don’t know how this is a nursery rhyme. Yeah it rhymes. But like would you recite this to a sleeping baby? Also…

I DON’T KNOW WHO PADDY IS!

Who is Paddy? Who is Ned? Is this a Nightman situation? Did two men creep in my bed when I was nine years old? This is concerning.

Props though. I did use “you’re” correctly… the first time. The second time was a simple mistake. The third time is worryingly wrong. People edited this. Like my father, and teacher. Why didn’t they fix my mistakes, or question who the fuck is Paddy, or Ned?

6. Tongue Twisters.



A tongue twister is not a poem or a rhyme.

This is also blatant plagiarism.

It is neither cool, or brill.

I hate you Luke.

7. Sense Poem.



In which I describe the sensations I feel when I experience a potato.

Man. That Calpol must have been strong shit.

“Potatoes sounds like a soft cloud”.

Potatoes don’t emit sound. Neither do clouds, no matter how soft they are. Fucking 9 year old Luke.

But the themes in this book are outstanding so far; Swords. Dogs. Potatoes. Potential pedophilia.

I really covered all the bases didn’t I?

8. Cinquain.



A cinquain is kinda like a haiku I think. Who cares? This one is shit.

My poem for fire is fantastic. I say “burns” three times. I say “hot” twice.

And it’s not really a poem about fire, it’s more of a thesaurus entry for it.

Also I’m pretty sure for my cinnamon I just got my dad to do it. So I’m not vain, and narcissistic. My dad just thinks I am cool. So who is the real loser here bitches.

9. The Acrostic Poem.



For the final poem, I am not even going to look at the poem.

Just look at that drawing in paint.



What in the name of Christ?

One of them resembles a man. Vaguely.

The other is a monster and should be burnt. It should die. It does not deserve life.

But ah I’ve seen what you’ve done there 9 year old me. A creature that we looked down upon but the guy is just like “u r cool man”.

U.F.O’s don’t exist to me? Aliens don’t exist?

It’s all a commentary about racism. You were throwing us some dodgy shit. But I see it now. I understand. It’s all apart of the greater message.

No it’s not. It’s awful and it’s garbage. I hate it.

Verdict:

1/10

fuck you 9 year old luke.



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More childhood cringe to come!