My lovely sister-in-law, Missy, brings these little wonders to my house each Fourth of July. They’re as simple as it gets: Cream cheese-stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon. Cook ‘em. Pop ‘em in your mouth. Sing praises. Faint. They’re absolutely addictive.

If you have them, slip on some latex gloves for the pepper prep... Cut jalapenos in half, length-wise. With a spoon, remove the seeds and white membrane (the source of the heat; leave a little if you like things HOT). Smear softened cream cheese into each jalapeno half. Wrap jalapeno with bacon pieces (1/3 slice). Secure by sticking toothpick through the middle. Bake on a pan with a rack in a 375-degree oven for 20-25 minutes. You don’t want the bacon to shrink so much it starts to the squeeze the jalapeno. If, after 20 minutes, the bacon doesn’t look brown enough, just turn on the broiler for a couple of minutes to finish it off. These are best when the jalapeno still has a bit of bite to it. Serve immediately, or they’re also great at room temperature. You’ll love these so much, you’re gonna come out of your skin. Or something like that.

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These are evil. And they must be destroyed. My lovely sister-in-law, Missy, brings these little wonders to my house each Fourth of July and they have made a huge impression on my life. I’ve decided that I never want to be without them, they’re so fundamental to my survival at this point. And they’re as simple as it gets: Cream cheese-stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon. Cook ’em. Pop ’em in your mouth. Sing praises. Faint. They’re absolutely addictive.

The only problem arises when our father-in-law is on the premises when Missy arrives bearing these puppies. I love and respect the man, but I usually have to fight him off with a cattle prod just to ensure I get one or two. It isn’t ever pretty. He loves these things.

But enough of our family dysfunction; let’s get started, shall we?



The Cast of Characters: Fresh Jalapenos, Cream Cheese, and Bacon. Three ingredients! This is simple stuff.



Start with a jalapeno. Hello, jalapeno! Try to find ones that are 2 to 3 inches long; not too big.







Slice the jalapeno in half length-wise.



Ack! I just love this shot—looks like I’m about to lob off my fingers.

Please, please don’t lob off your fingers.



Now it’s time to seed them. (Or is it "de-seed?" I never do quite get that whole thing.)



With a spoon, gently scrape out the seeds and white membranes. This process moves pretty quickly.



If you’re impervious to the spiciness, you can leave a little membrane and/or a couple of seeds inside. If you prefer things a little on the mild side, go ahead and clean ’em out reeeeel gooooood.



Now cut the bacon slices into thirds. I usually just go ahead and cut the whole package at once. I like shortcuts.



Now unwrap the softened cream cheese and your assembly line is all set!



Now start smearing cream cheese inside each jalapeno half.



No need to be particularly neat about it…



Just schmear it in there generously.



Just keep going until you have the quantity you want. That’s the great thing about this recipe: you can make as few as two or as many as 49,382! There’s no huge commitment.



Now take a piece (1/3 slice) of bacon and wrap it around the jalapeno.



Wrap it snugly, but not too tightly.



Keep going until you’re finished.



Now stick a toothpick through the middle of each one; this will keep the bacon from coming off in the oven. Place them on a pan with a rack (so bacon grease can escape) and bake at 375 degrees for 20-25 minutes. Here’s what they’ll look like:



Oh, baby. Oh, oh, oh baby.



These are so divine, you should seriously consider making four or five times the quantity you think you’ll need.

In an unexpected twist, Hyacinth’s husband came to our little shindig and plopped a couple of these on top of his burger! What a great idea.

No, go forth and wrap jalapenos with bacon. You’ll never, ever regret it.