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VALLE DE COGER, CALIFORNIA — This morning, former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal, in an exclusive for The New Yorker, revealed that she carried on an extramarital affair with President Donald Trump in the early 2000’s, before Trump had entered the political realm. McDougal’s account paints a picture of Trump that shows him to enjoy and lust after beautiful women, but in secret, using legal entities and friends in the publishing and media world to pay hush money to former flings of his. McDougal is now the second woman in the last few weeks to come forward with a story of an illicit affair with Trump.

In an effort to shield herself from any speculation, and out of a desire to “not be lumped in with the rest of them,” another adult film star came out of the woodwork today to address whether she had any sexual contact with Donald Trump.

“Hello, my name is Janice Royal, and I am an adult film star with over 200 titles to my credit, including Bone Me Once, Shame On You, Bone Me Twice, Hell Yeah That’ll Do,” Royal said as he stood in front of a podium outside her talent agency’s office. “I decided to hold this press conference preemptively, because even though none have started yet, at this rate it won’t be long until the rumors are that we all slept with Trump. I am here to say, categorically, I did not have sex with Donald Trump, and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever will.”

Royal, whose real name is Glenda Lykesdiq, told reporters that she “absolutely refuses” to become one of the women that people speculate about whether she had an affair with Trump. The idea of sleeping with him, she says, makes her “vagina dry completely up.”

“I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one in this industry who didn’t fuck Trump,” Royal told reporters, “but then again, I’m also pretty sure that makes me the grand prize winner in the game of not fucking Donald Trump, so I’m good.”

Reporters asked Ms. Royal if she feels like she is missing out on a career opportunity, or at least a chance to elevate her name recognition by coming out now and proclaiming that she not only hasn’t slept with the president, but never will. Royal scoffed at the implication. Fighting back tears of laughter, she said she doesn’t feel like she’s “missing out on anything.”

“Of course I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything; I have never, would never, and will never fuck Donald Trump, even with Ivanka’s dick. Or a detachable one, whatever,” Royal said.

Royal said that despite what some might think, her line of work doesn’t mean she’ll “just fuck anyone” and that “racism and stupidity” have never been turn-ons for her.

“I’ve shot crazy, sweat and jizz soaked scenes and let me tell you — nothing makes me queasy like the thought of sidling up to that orange burlap sack of gelatinous farts and racism for a roll in the hay,” Royal said.

The White House could not be reached for comment.

You can read satire like this on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

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