In a major change of policy that is likely to have path-breaking consequences on Indo-Pak bilateral ties, Pakistan has foregone their seven-decade demand for Kashmir. Instead, Pakistan has asked for complete control of the prestigious Jawaharlal Nehru University.

A press note issued by Pakistan’s advisor to the Prime Minister on Foreign Affairs Sartaz Aziz, read: “The Terrorist Peaceful Republic of Pakistan hereby relinquishes any and all claims made on India occupied Kashmir. We shall withdraw petitions and applications and other communications from all establishments and forums. Instead, we demand that JNU be handed over to us. Looking at the public anger, hate and disgust directed at the premier institution by the Indian people, this deal seems fair. This will solve so many issues between the countries.”

A senior ISI official on condition of anonymity said, “Things are getting tough, yaar. We have already lost three wars over Kashmir. And now in the name of death by a thousand cuts, we are spending so much money and time. You can’t imagine how tough it is to train personnel, brainwash them and sneak them into India. And for what? Control over some dumb guys who throw stones? For God’s sake, those guys threw stones even on the Indian army personnel when they were rescuing them during the floods! Inshallah, even if we win Kashmir how can we know that they won’t throw stones at us. They are not worth it. I have always maintained that!”

“JNU, on the other hand, is a different story,” he added. “’Shahid Afzal Guru amar rahe, Kashmir mange azadi, Bharat ki barbadi tak jung chalegi’ Wow! Even we can’t come up with such things. These guys are awesome! They can cause a lot more damage to the Indians than the brainwashed assholes we send across the border day in and day out. They question the police; they oppose the army; they demand repeal of AFSPA; they challenge the authority of judges and the judgements of courts. They are pro Afzal, pro Yakub and pro Ishrat. Mashallah! They are exactly what we require. We are ready to award them Nishan-e-Pakistan and confer Pakistani citizenship. Together we shall destroy India!”

According to sources, Prime Minister Narendra Modi couldn’t believe his luck when he was informed of the development. “Sach bata [Tell the truth]? Do they really want JNU instead of Kashmir?” he kept asking MEA spokesperson Vikas Swarup. “Le lo bhai, le lo! [Take it bro, take it!] Tell them we’ll sweeten the deal by throwing in some intellectuals as well.”