Blythe is having trouble handling it.

“Did she just say ‘goop’?”

A memorably emotional speech. Come back to acting, Gwyneth!

Ugh. There’s more?? Yes, there is more. Just a little bit more. Stanley Kubrick had just died two weeks before the ceremony, so Steven Spielberg comes out to talk about that. Then it’s time for the screenplay awards. Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn are presenting.

“They told me upstairs I have to do something called The Banger Sisters and then I’m done for like 15 years!”

Steve asks Goldie if winning an Oscar was one of the most exciting moments of her life. She says, “Actually having my children was more exciting.” He responds, “Oh please,” and Goldie laughs gaily.

“I’m fun.”

Shakespeare in Love and Gods and Monsters win the screenplay trophies, because the Academy likes stuff about showbiz.

We’ve arrived at best director, which Kevin Costner—a winner for Dances with Wolves—is presenting.

“Message in a Bottle, in theaters now.”

Spielberg wins, and gives Tom Hanks a lil’ kiss on the head.

This is all I will see when I go to sleep tonight.

Ahh!! It’s her again!! And she’s talking like a mobster!

“You think you’re going to sleep, Richard?”

“They shoulda sent a poet.”

Harrison Ford emerges to put us out of our misery.

“Are you tired? I’m tired.”

And then the unthinkable happens: Shakespeare in Love wins.

Yikes.

Me neither, girl.

Look, Shakespeare in Love is a wonderful movie, but obviously it’s been tainted some by the big man who muscled its way to this Oscar win. Still, I suppose we can focus on the many positives of the movie and not its clear negatives.

Anyway, let’s skip Harvey Weinstein’s acceptance speech and move on to the end. Because we’re there! We’ve finished!

Whoopi comes out for one last blessing, thanking the audience watching at home and nicely calling back to Keiko Ibi as an inspiration to follow your dreams.

And that’s it, folks. See you next year!

“As the surfers say: Aloha.”

Toodles!