WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.

Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.

According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of COVID-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.

“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”

In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.

Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.