You know that big purple envelope lying around the house? The one you've been ignoring for weeks? Well, it's time to fill it in. The Office for National Statistics needs to know essential information about the people of Britain, allegedly to help them decide what services your community needs (or can be scrapped).

They could just check the nation's Facebook profile, but instead we all have to fill in a big form and offer a snapshot of our lives on Sunday 27 March.

Despite having 10 years since the last census to come up with interesting questions, the ONS appears to have filled 32 pages with stuff about your job and the nature of your central heating.

So we thought it was time for an alternative census – one that asks the questions that really reflect our nation in 2011.