KALAMAZOO, MI --

Does sympathy for one group constitute hurtfulness toward another?

That's the question at the heart of an unhappy conversation in the autism community in the wake of attempted murder charges against a mother, a Kalamazoo College alumna, accused of trying to kill her daughter, who has autism.

Kellis Stapleton's daughter had recently completed treatment at Great Lakes Center for Autism Treatment and Research.

Kelli Stapleton sought residential treatment in Portage for her daughter with autism, Isabelle. She had only been back home in Benzie County for a few days after the girl's discharge when, authorities say, they found her and her daughter, both still alive, in a carbon-monoxide-filled van Sept. 3.



Stapleton was arrested on a charge of attempted murder, accused of trying to take her daughter's life along with her own. Her daughter is recovering. Her husband, Matt Stapleton, is quoted in People magazine's most recent edition: "My guess is Kelli thought she was doing Isabelle and everybody around her a favor."



That sentiment, echoed in dozens of Internet blogs, thousands of online comments and Facebook posts, reflects an attitude about autism that's not only hurtful but dangerous, said Kalamazoo autism advocate Zachary Lassiter.



"It sends a signal that lives of autistic people are valued less than nonautistic people," said Lassiter, who has autism.



"I do sympathize with (Stapleton's) struggle to receive services, but autistic (child) or not, there's no excuse" for her actions, Lassiter said. He said he believes she should be prosecuted as vigorously as any other person who attempts to harm any other child, and he launched an internet petition asking that she be charged with a federal hate crime.



Support for Stapleton has included mothers of other children with autism, who have followed Stapleton's blog "The Status Woe," which has detailed her long fight to secure services for her daughter. Blog entries document the girl's violent episodes and attacks on her mother with video clips of attacks and pictures of Stapleton, bruised and hospitalized in the aftermath.



Stapleton's story was further publicized as she lobbied for community support to help pay for the costs of residential treatment; neighbors and blog followers contributed to that effort and stand behind her now, it appears from their internet posts.



But that support has come under attack from adults with autism and some other parents of autistic children.





Kelli and Issy Stapleton in an undated photo.

Here's an excerpt of a conversation in the comments following Stapleton's Sept. 3 blog entry, her last, in which she speaks of being devastated by news that her daughter would not be allowed to attend a local school as planned.

That sort of debate, rampant on the Internet, isn't allowed on the Facebook page "Support and Prayers For Kelli and Issy and the Stapleton Family," which, with more than 1,200 members, has been switched from a public page to one accessible by members only. "This is a Support Group for Kelli and Issy and the entire Stapleton Family. I have zero tolerance for anyone who wants to bash Kelli," its administrator posted.

And while those supporters have frequently reminded that sympathy and support for Stapleton does not suggest an endorsement of the actions she's accused of, many autism advocates don't see it that way.

"As someone who is autistic, it's kind of scary that that society gathers around the mother," Lassiter said.

"I think there certainly is a divide, and there has been for some time," said Ari Ne'eman, president of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network in Washington, D.C. “The picture of autism that has been presented in the public eye is not consistent with how we see ourselves."

He said recent murder and attempted murder of autistic children “are the quintessential example of that.”

Autistic people deserve the same protection under law, he said, and “we are profoundly concerned when groups try to present murder as justified or understandable on the basis of the victim’s disability.”

Regarding Matt Stapleton’s “do everyone a favor” quote, Ne'eman said: “I think it’s a very explicit insult. Certain folks in the community and many in the media are sending the message that autistic lives are not worth as much, and if you have a disability you cannot expect society to condemn your murderer.”

“I think some parents and other caregivers were fed an ideology that preaches that it is better to be dead than to be disabled, and it is quite possible they thought were doing a favor," he said.

“Parents do not kill kids because a service system is inadequate," Ne'eman added. "They kill their children because media and a disturbing number of people send them the message that that is OK or at least understandable."

Not the intent, but the outcome

"I agree they are putting a finger on a major issue, when more sympathy seems to be shown to the parent” than to the children who have been victimized, said Bruce Mills, an English professor at Kalamazoo College, who has an adult son with autism and has taught and written about issues in autism.

Mills is acquainted with Kelli Stapleton, who has spoken in the past to a class he teaches.

“This is hitting people very close to home,” Mills said. “I knew of her situation. What's hard is I agree with the self-advocates in that if the story that's getting told is giving weight to the parent who tried to kill child, it is sending a message."

Mills said he did not think that was the intent of people who rally behind a parent.

“It is not their intent to dismiss the child, though that's the outcome," Mills said.

Sometimes families who themselves are dealing with these issues, including aggression, believe people outside don't understand what they're going through. When they see a story such as Stapleton's they may relate to the struggle and respond with support.

It's that sympathetic focus on the caregiver that people with autism can find offensive.

“The difficulty is," Mills said, "if that's what you want to keep returning to, you have a problem.”

A growing voice

Ten years ago there wasn’t much division of opinion in the public eye because the voices of people with autism were silent, Ne'eman, said.

That has changed in recent years with the Internet.

, writes a blog about autism and participated in MLive/Kalamazoo Gazette's live chat about autism issues last week.

She said she has been poring through articles, blogs and posts about the Stapleton case, and offers this assessment.

"When I look at comments sections in the most current articles, such as the NY Daily News coverage of Issy's "miracle recovery," I see many people who (still) fall into the camp of "don't judge her until you walk a mile in her shoes." Some of these people call for a lenient sentence, if any sentencing at all," she said.

She said it seems a growing number of people are voicing that view."If that is true, it is a very disturbing sign, and a call to redoubled efforts on the part of my community to point out that disabled lives should not be devalued," she said.

"The other side of the divide is still concerned, frightened and angry about the calls for non-judgment and compassion for someone who would attempt to murder a child (and wondering) 'Which one of us is next?'" she said.

Healing the divide

One thing that has come out of all of this is a committed effort on the part of autistic adults to "do what we can to stem the tide of violence against us," Durbin-Westby said.

That includes a quickly assembled Tool Kit of Resources from the Autistic Community broaching difficult topics, including caregiver violence as well as aggressive behavior by autistics.

"Many parents really are looking for something that will work, some insight from autistics," she said. "There are still those who dismiss everything we say because we are 'not like my child,' but more parents, who really do not want to end up in crisis situations or tragedies, are taking the time to look at our expertise in a new light."

Rosemary Parker is a reporter at MLive/Kalamazoo Gazette. You can reach her at rparker3@mlive.com. Follow her on Twitter.