So am going to write now about the ongoing struggle with my new symptoms, new as of December.

As you can imagine having no therapy for this means I have to face/ make whatever meaning I can out of what I’m experiencing and do whatever I can to feel ok within myself and function in my life.

For awhile I didn’t even think I’d be able to talk to my psychiatrist about it. Before we came Jessica told us about Dr. Clarey. Who admitted to St. Jo’s. She said he was very nice and smart and we’d likely get to get in with him.

Then we moved in and found out he wasn’t accepting any new patients! Which I was very frustrated about. Dr. Gil, who I hate, was new to coming here and they were putting people with him. So I figured I was stuck with him. With Gil’s reputation at least in my opinion, for heavy medication and quick hospitalizing and not listening to what you have to say and already not having a good relationship with me, I was not going to tell him about my symptoms around the time loss andshifts in my identity. I was hoping that like with the other early symptoms around sensory and communication issues it would go away.

Two months in and no therapist and I figured I had to tell him. I actually felt that his quick use of meds might be to my benefit as at that point I was desperate for anything to stop the feeling of pressure and things constantly shifting in my head as well as the loss of memory. I was really hoping I could get put on something to quiet everything down and help me have some kind of solid backup on a c chemical level. Like how my other meds stabilize my anxiety and depression that’s what I wanted here.

I was all ready to tell him very anxious but ready when he decided to just not show up! Kris the director of nursing had really seemed to actually be someone who cared about me and this situation. So he was hoping he could talk to Cleary about if he could actually fit me in. Or to be with me when I talked to Gil.

So Gil didn’t show up. Then that next week Dr. Gil just up and quit! Kris was kinda like well ok then! Since he’d been nothing but trouble since he started working here and he said even though Clarey was full he wouldn’t be needing another psychiatrist just yet.

So a couple weeks back I actually saw him! At first I was very anxious as I was told I’d have to give a very good reason why I wasn’t seeing Gil. But it ended up not being an issue. This Dr. was extremely down to earth and a careful listener. He had heard of my symptoms before. Said it was dissociation. Was surprised about it happening over a period of several hours and especially most of a two week period. He said he’d never seen that. I told him about the time loss, and the issue of seemingly being “taken over” by these other people, calling themselves Honey Amber and Co and maybe others. With their own ways of speaking writing, memories, beliefs ETC. It’s identity theft at the most basic level. Forget stealing someone’s credit card! Why not just take over their brain and body and use that to live your life? That’s literally what it feels like.

So we talked. He said these were “representations” of parts of my personality along with dissociation. It’s so hard to identify triggers. Because for all intents and purposes it really seems like these characters just want to live their lives. So things like going for a walk, tv shows, toys taking a bath will bring them out. Simply to be out and alive. Which is very strange and to me is so not what I would think of as DID/ trauma based. If this were trauma based, first of all it wouldn’t just appear over six months/ b basically within a few days the process was clearly in full form. Secondly, if these were alters, I would think and have seen from knowing people with this, that they are very distressed, trapped in the past, often triggered by traumatic things, things that remind them of what they went through and like that’s their job to contain memories of horrific abuse not happily watch kids shows and that’s it.

He said these were parts of myself that I needed to “swallow up and incorporate into me.” That we are all very multifaceted beings and that’s ok for me to act like a five year old and do silly things/ go for walks/ watch kids shows. And that I didn’t have to have that be disconnected from who I am as I do.

It made it sound like I was consciously doing this, and I don’t know. I don’t know if he really gets it how it’s not just part of me wanting to be silly/ act like a five year old, or some other adult type person, and then I do it and then like convinetely forget what I did. It honestly feels like I’m being taken over by actual people.

And the experience is totally out of my awareness.

He basically said what others have. Even those who don’t know anything about the disorder. To just remember who I am and connect with that. To not dissociate/ escape. If these people come out to ask them why they’re out, what they’re trying to protect me from/ trying to say for me. Obviously don’t know how any conversations along those lines with them went but have heard it upset them to be told they’re parts of me and weren’t forthcoming otherwise.

Because again to them they just want to live. It’s like they’re people without a body and are like hey here’s a head/ body! Let’s use that. Like leget that’s how it feels.

I asked for recommendations. He knew of another psychiatrist called Royce Lee, Male, at UIC which is across the city. But at least it was one recommendation.

He said there were no meds for this which I have heard before. He’s been off this past week and I think this coming as well. Even if he were here Tuesday I wouldn’t be seeing him as I’m out for my birthday. But will talk again next week. Will make it more clear as I can, about how more like full blown people they are than simply parts of me, and how I have no conscious control over them. I will also say I am becoming conscious however of what it feels like when I dissociate. I can start to feel this pressure in my head, like I’m being distracted by something like when it’s hard to focus. And I can feel like something’s forcing me out of my awareness of myself, physically. Like someone wants to move me aside to take over. I start to hear them in my head talking. The little girl sings kids songs. I can hear another one telling her not to come out. Or I’ll want to say things that I know aren’t how I’d say them Like Honey has a nickname for Jess that I’d never use. I know if I said that word I’d be toast and she’d just totally take over.

So I guess it’s good I’m knowing the feeling. So I can fight it and do. Very hard constantly. Not a moment goes by when I’m not fighting the pull of these what feel like foreign outside forces.

What I’ve said might not make much sense to others. But it’s my experience. Losing time means that I am totally unaware of something that’s happening in any given moment. Even though I’m still living that moment I’m so disconnected from my sense of self it’s like I’m not there at all. This could be for half a minute or an hour or several hours or off and on. Making a whole day a blurr. And to me time is continous of course. So like yesterday I was walking with Jess to the park. I came into awareness walking not knowing where we were going. The next minute I was also walking. However I was now walking back from the park! Having spent an hour there as a five year old exploring the playground and wanting Jess to let me play with other kids! She knows the situation and so kept me in chedck but ugh. How embarrassing and possibly scary for parents/ kids if I were to walk up to their kids and engage like a child in an adult’s body. Try explaining that!

But anyway the example. I’m walking somewhere, to me there is no awareness of time having gone by. I’m now walking back from somewhere. It’s only later that I have this sense that I’m coming into the middle of an experience and that things happened I have no knowledge of.

I’ve noticed I can sometimes randomly get back pieces of these memories. But they aren’t clear and feel like someone telling you about something that happened to them, rather than something you actually experienced. This is different from remembering something and that memory changing over time. This really feels like it was never my memory in the first place.

It makes every day feel completely unreal and out of some science fiction movie.

That’s just the time loss/ memory loss part.

Then there’s the “taking over.” The me helpless to the wishes and actions of a five year old named Honey, two adults Amber and Co, and who knows who else. People I have no idea who they are what they’re up to and what they’re going to do next. Being held hostage by yourself is possible! I’ve realized in the past six months so many things are possible that defy the basic assumptions of reality/ sense of self. And it’s terrifying.

If I knew the cause of all this I think I would be more open and compassionate to these so called “parts of myself.” But I don’t. I feel like my sense of self, my ability to just live in my own skin is periodically overrun. I can’t fully participate in my own life because huge pieces of it are completely blanked out. I honestly don’t know how anyone can live this way.

My pattern so far has been actively fight this. The force of whatever this is is just as strong if not stronger than any kind of visualization/ positive thinking/ focusing on my sense of self as I know it. Somehow whatever this is gets around any obstacle or attempt I throw out to stop it. Then I get absolutely exhausted and so lose my strength/ run out of stratagies to continue fighting. I become resigned to this existence. Especially as those around me have an accepting though unhelpful in terms of actively engaging in the experience, attitude. I just let things happen for awhile. I kind of withdraw. Then I snap out of it and realize that like on Tuesday, almost all afternoon went by without me knowing anything. Or I’ll get a shocking piece of information like Amber, chose a last name different from mine and wants her own online presence. Again identity theft forget bank accounts! And that renews my resolve to push back. So the cycle continues.

I say anything to myself I can to just keep going. But it’s an uphill battle. And it’s something I have to face myself. I have to get whatever this is to understand that I mean business. That my sense of self is mine, my body and mind are mine and are not to be invaded and for anyone else’s use. I have the right to participate in anything as myself, and remember everything that happens to me. If this were six months back, when whatever this is was less full blown, less formed, and with no relationships with anyone outside me, learning to not dissociate/ incorporating it would be way easier.

We’ve had over six months of absolutely no guidance up to the point of the meeting with Clarey so I’m trying to grab on to whatever he has to tell me and use it to break down months of how I’ve been relating to this whole thing and how others have too. We’re at odds as people in my life are advocating acceptance of these creatures, while I’m advocating their removal from my being.

I’ve dealt with a lot around depression, and anxiety. And trauma related triggers that if you haven’t gone through emotional abuse you wouldn’t understand. I’ve seen others dealing with this type of thing and do well. I often wondered how. Not only do they have to battle these basic dynamics of the symptoms that come with being so horribly traumatized, the memory and taking over process, but also facing horrible memories.

I have known my internal landscape and territory around mental health/ illness and strengths/ places I need support with for years. I came to this amazing place of feeling the best I ever have felt in years last year so confident and centered in who I am and my future and everything. And then everything is completely torn apart, and unrelated to me people are thrown in my head and everything about reality becomes upside down and blurred. How do you face and deal with that? And deal with the fact that you’re living in a mental healthcare setting, and the so called professionals/ experts on MI have no clue what it is/ how to give support.

I’m honestly surprised I haven’t had the urge to self-harm or become suicidal in any way. I don’t think anyone could blame for it at this poiSimplifyinfg it by saying I’m not coping with anxiety or depression, not getting where it stems from. So it’s purely about the fact that because I’m behaving thias way I’m “not safe in their eyes” and then once that crisis past I’d be right back where I am. Alone searching for any kind of support and them not knowing what to do other than saying they did their job in “keeping me safe.”

Today I can say I did not lose time at all. It was a battle to do so. I could at different times especially around my bedtime routine feel the Honey girl very sad and lonely and wanting her relationship with Jess and her time out. I was overwhelmed by her sadness and couldn’t just keep doing what I was doing. I started to say things like missing watching tv with Jess, which I know isn’t not my way of saying it/ experience. The girl wanted to watch kids shows. If I said those words/ Jess turned on the show I would be gone. It was a struggle for both of us.

Jess had to let me be for the night as she didn’t know what to do but give me a hug. That was a very painful situation. But one I’m hoping will bring home that I am in charge here. The more these people can’t use me as a means of living their life and don’t have access to the world through that, I’m hoping the more drained they’ll become until they eventually fade away.

I’m hoping that this tactic will work. Becoming aware of how dissociation feels and navigating any triggers so they don’t set off the process. It’s all I can think to do. All I know is this is not me. Having these distinct people in me that have their own time and space, for whatever reason they’re there, it’s not for me. It absolutely does not fit with any experiences that could create something like this. And their ways of being are not something within the realm of what I consider myself to be in any way shape or form. I need to hold on to that until it kills them.