Shrek 5

(All-Star begins playing. On the "-BODY" in "somebody" in the opening lyric of the song, Shrek bursts open the door to his home. He enters, sweaty and shirtless dragging Fiona across the floor by her hair. She is crying, bloody, and badly beaten. He slams the door shut behind him once they are both inside. He spits on Fiona's face, then goes to the fridge and grabs a beer. He sits on the couch and puts on the game.)

Fiona (still crying): I HATE YOU! I WANT A DIVORCE!

Shrek: go ahead and do it then, bitch. Let's see how long it'll take for you to be homeless.

(Shrek Jr. or whatever his first kid's name is comes running down the steps excitedly)

Shrek Jr.: daddy's home! yay!

(Shrek grabs his kid by the head and palms it like shaq did with basketballs in all of his tv commercials. He then throws the kid through a nearby window. Shrek sits back down and chugs the rest of his beer. Belches. Oh "All-Star" keeps playing through all of this btw.)

Shrek: (goes back to fridge) WHAT?! Out of beer?! No! (punches fridge through the wall)

Fiona: SHREK! Enough!

Shrek: I'm going out (puts his shirt back on)

Shrek Jr.: (entering with bloody head but smiling and excited to see shrek) Daddy! Where are you going daddy?

Shrek: (looks down and snarls at him)

Shrek Jr.: ok I'll go help mommy clean up and take her to the hospital again.

Shrek: don't bother. I resent you.

Shrek Jr.: ok!

(Shrek hops into his onion wagon and drives to Humpty Dumpty's Wall, a local bar and Shrek's favorite spot to pick up mad bitches. Shrek enters.)

Humpty Dumpty: (behind the bar bartending) Shrek! Hey, man! What's going on?

Shrek: hey, humpty. Did you ever feel like you were in a rut that you just couldn't get out of? Do you know what I'm talking about, lad?

Humpty Dumpty: what's gotcha down, pal? Is it donkey?

Shrek: (puts head in his hands and starts crying) it was all my fault, Humpty. Oh god oh god.

Humpty: there, there, Shrek. Your drinks are on me tonight. You don't worry about a thing, bud.

Shrek: alright, Humpty. Thanks.

(Shrek gets piss drunk as he washes down seven kegs of beer with eleven handles of vodka. He gets up from his stool and stumbles home. Before he enters his house, he goes to the backyard near a pile of dirt. Something is buried there. As Shrek approaches the burial site, we see there is a tombstone. On it is written, "Here lies Donkey. A noble steed and a great pal." Shrek falls to his knees in front of the tombstone, places his forehead upon it and weeps.)

(Switch scene to the next day. Shrek Jr. 2 or whatever the second kid's name is is poking shrek with a stick trying to wake him up.)

Shrek, Jr. 2: Dad! Wake up! Stop being silly! Uncle Donkey is gone. He went bye-byes, remember?

Shrek: aye, Shrek Jr. 2, he did. He went bye-byes and he lives up there with Pinocchio and all the other friends we lost. He's probably having a lot of fun up there. (Smiles. Looks toward sky)

Shrek Jr. 2: Dad?

Shrek: yes?

Shrek Jr. 2: why do you hit mommy so much?

Shrek: well because I love mommy.

Shrek Jr. 2: that's silly. That doesn't make any sense. You're not supposed to hit people you love!

Shrek: you're right (looks down, remorseful) you're right. Hey where is mommy?

Shrek Jr. 2: She went with Shrek Jr. to the hospital.

Shrek: let's go visit mommy, shall we?

(Shrek gets up and ventures to the hospital with Shrek Jr. 2)

(Switch scene to Shrek staring down upon Fiona, who is healing up in a hospital bed. She slowly wakes up. When she sees Shrek she curls up in a ball to protect herself from getting hurt.)

Shrek: easy there, honey. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not drunk anymore. As a matter of fact, I'm swearing off alcohol as of today.

Fiona: oh I've heard this one before (rolls eyes)

Shrek: you dirty BITCH! (slaps Fiona backhanded)

Fiona: we're done. I talked to my lawyer last night. We're getting divorced! The papers are on that table over there (points to table) sign them.

Shrek: (Picks up papers) oh these? (eats them) mmm yummy. Compliments to the chef.

Shrek Jr. 2: mommy don't get divorced! He only hits you because he loves you!

Fiona: (bewildered) is that what you told her?!

Shrek: you're damn right I did! I can say whatever I goddamn want! But more importantly, I own everything you think is yours. I pay for everything! The bills, the car insurance, the mortgage on our swamp!

Fiona: I pay for things too!

Shrek: like WHAT?!

Fiona: like marrying you. I pay for that every day of my life.

Shrek: OH what a load of shit! (picks up Fiona's entire hospital bed. Throws her through the window. Her room was on the 5th floor.)

(Switch scene to Dragon, taking a hearty dump. When she is finished, we notice there is a little man-shaped nugget among the other assorted shit. Zoom in on the man-shaped nugget. Two eyes open, then a smile.)

(Switch scene to Fiona talking to her lawyer about divorcing Shrek. The lawyer is an actual human guy like not animated or anything but a real human guy like how they used David Hasselhoff in Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie. Except the lawyer should be played by Adam Sandler. He hasn't been in any good movies lately so it's time he made a comeback since this will be a great movie.)

Adam Sandler: …well see, here's the thing Fiona. You can't divorce Shrek.

Fiona: what? Why not?

Adam Sandler: Shrek is your true love. When you guys kissed, you were bound to him forever. If you leave him…..you die.

Fiona: no. No that can't be right.

Adam Sandler: well it's all in the first movie. I suggest you rent it or something. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. One thing I strongly suggest is that you and Shrek attend marriage counseling. It'll be silly.

Fiona: Jack & Jill was a piece of shit movie.

(Switch scene to Shrek having a baseball catch with his kids in the swamp front yard. They are giggling and Shrek is too. He's only had three bottles of Jack today. Fiona pulls into the swamp in her golden Mercedes Shrek bought her when he still loved her. Fiona gets out and walks inside without saying a word to Shrek. This gets Shrek noticeably pissed off)

Shrek: (Whips baseball as hard as he fucking can at Shrek Jr. 3. It hits Shrek Jr. 3 square in the chest and the force blows him back all the way through several trees, which he knocks over as he crashes into them.)

Shrek Jr. 2: wow do you think Shrek Jr. 3 is ok dad?

Shrek: probably not. Make sure he doesn't come back in the house until I'm done hitting your mother.

Shrek Jr. 2: ok

(Shrek throws baseball glove on the ground and huffs and puffs as he stomps his way into the kitchen where Fiona is already beginning to cook dinner as she hums a cheerful tune to herself. Shrek charges at her full speed upon spotting her. Fiona grabs a pan and smashes Shrek in the head with it. Shrek falls limp to the ground, unconscious.)

(Switch scene to the man-poop that Dragon made earlier rinsing himself off in a nearby lake. He emerges from the water and it is Lord Farquad. He looks around and then smiles deviously at the screen.)

(Shrek returns to consciousness with Fiona sitting across from him. He is constrained in his favorite reclining chair by numerous chains and locks. The biggest lock rests upon Shrek's chest, which ties all of the chains together. This lock is made of 12-gauge carbon steel. Indestructible.)

Fiona: Shrek, I talked to Adam Sandler today. He said I cannot divorce you. If I did, I would—(Stops, realizing that if she gives away the reason why, Shrek will definitely divorce her.)—not be able to support myself, just like you said. I'd be homeless.

Shrek: oh so now you're finally admitting it.

Fiona: yes I am. But things are gonna have to change around here. You see, I'm not leaving. And until you promise to stop being so cruel to me, I'm gonna keep you locked here forever.

Shrek: (roars, rattling the chains. This sends electric shocks into Shrek's system) what the fuck was that?

Fiona: oh I installed a little security measure into your central nervous system. You see, I'm smarter than you think, Shrek. Every time you have a single thought about trying to hurt me, you will now have shocks sent through your body. Painful, right? So I suggest you don't do anything stupid.

Shrek: (looks down and starts weeping uncontrollably) nobody understands, Fiona. I've been a wreck since donkey died. It's all my fault. I should have never taken him with me. Oh god, there was so much blood oh god oh god help me.

Fiona: …is this why you've been lashing out at me?

Shrek: aye.

Fiona: oh shrek. You could have told me. Here, I'll let you go.

Shrek: no I'll do it myself. (breaks free from chains as easily as ripping a piece of paper. Damn.)

Fiona: shrek, we have to make this work. For the kids. That's why tomorrow we have to attend our first marriage counseling session.

(Shrek's eyes become bloodshot with anger as soon as he hears this. He goes to wring Fiona's neck but is electrocuted full force)

Shrek: fuck. Ok fine I'll go.

(Switch scene to Shrek and Fiona walking into a corporate office in New York City where they are to have their first counseling meeting. Shrek looks quite dapper in his suit, don't ya think?)

Shrek: are you sure we have to do this?

Fiona: yes, shrek. It'll only take a minute and afterwards we can go get you a happy meal.

Shrek: (excitedly) wow. no foolin'?!

Fiona: yup.

(Enter the scene of Shrek and Fiona sitting across from marriage counselor Guy Fieri. Nobody says a word and they all stare at each other until Guy takes out an onion)

Guy Fieri: guys, what is this?

Shrek: (sigh) it's an onion.

Guy Fieri: exactly. Now, onions have layers. Relationships have layers.

Shrek: are you mocking me?

Guy Fieri: (quickly puts onion away) nonono just—hehe-making a joke—hehe

Shrek: I hate jokes.

Guy Fieri: and why is that Shrek?

Shrek: because the last guy I knew who told jokes left this world way before his time.

Guy Fieri: do you want to talk about it, Shrek?

(Shrek looks sadly at Fiona who nods at him. Shrek looks back to Guy then puts his head down as he begins to tell the story of how donkey died)

Shrek: I have to begin this story by saying that alcohol is my demon. It haunts me and it overpowers me. It is the reason I—(looks to Fiona)—we are here. I put us in this mess. But it all started back when I got a call from Duloc's city council which told me I needed to fix a couple buildings up around town that needed repair. I try my best to do these things on weekends since I am busy being a financial analyst during the weekdays. There was one that needed a roof repair so I figured I could handle that alone but Donkey insisted on coming with me. He just had to go to this one. He wouldn't shut up about the new carnival that had just been setup nearby so I finally broke down and promised him we would go to the carnival as long as he helped me finish this job. So we get in there and the building is damn near collapsing. I told Donkey that I should probably handle this one alone but he would not stop following me. As I was lifting one particular beam into its proper place, I slipped….(begins crying. Fiona comforts him by putting a hand on his shoulder) and dropped the beam right on Donkey's head. He was singing "I'm a Believer" when it happened too. His favorite song. Oh if only I had gotten a better grip… (loses it) and that's why I started drinking heavily. Every day. And it leads me to broken relationships and I'm damn near losing my job. I know now that I truly need this. Can you help me fix this marriage, Guy Fieri?

Guy Fieri: no

(Switch scene to later that night. Shrek and Fiona laying in bed next to each other. This is the first time they've done this since Shrek 4 ended)

Shrek: we don't need Guy Fieri, anyway. I think we can make this work, Fiona. I'm going to really try. I threw out all my alcohol today.

Fiona: that's great, honey. I think this can work too.

(Awkward moment passes where we expect them to kiss each other but they don't. It would be too soon.)

Shrek: well…goodnight.

Fiona: goodnight, Shrek. (turns out light)

(The next day, we see Shrek waking up next to…an empty side? No. It can't be. Shrek just thought they were getting better! She can't be gone! Oh wait, she's in the kitchen haha. She has prepared an extravagant breakfast of rat stew. (GASP) SHREK'S FAVORITE!)

Shrek: (jumping up and down giddily) oh yeah! This is awesome! Rat stew! Oh look at how much of it there is! I can't believe it! Honey, did you do all of this for me?

Fiona: just for you, Shrek! Consider this our first step on the road to recovery!

Shrek: radical! Let's eat!

(Shrek and Fiona gobble and guzzle down a mass amount of rat stew and whenever the kids come by to get a bite of it, Shrek boxes them out. If they persist, he uppercuts them then they give up and go play video games or whatever. Finally, after the rat stew has been devoured…)

Shrek and Fiona: (Belch simultaneously. Look at each other and laugh)

Fiona: oh, shrek, I miss us being like this. Why can't we be like this every day?

Shrek: we can be. And we will be. Trust me.

Fiona: ok. I'm with you.

Shrek: (smiles)

(We pan over Shrek's shoulder to a nearby window where Lord Farquad is looking in on Shrek and Fiona. He laughs evily and then walks away, with a mind full of an evil plan.)

(Later that day, Fiona prepares to go to the grocery store. She only needs to pick up a few things. Onions. That's it.)

Fiona: Shrek? Kids? I'm going out to the store. If you get hungry, there's some eyeballs in the fridge and roasted skunk in the freezer (this line is sure to get some laughs from the child audience. Please leave it in please? Ok thank you.)

(Fiona heads out.)

Shrek: (turns to kids) hey, guys!

Shrek Jr. Squad: daddy!

Shrek: say, do you lads and lassie wanna play a game?

Shrek Jr. Squad: yea!

Shrek: ok this game is called leave me alone! Get out of here before I abandon all of you! Go!

(Shrek Jr. Squad runs away giggling. They don't realize that Shrek was completely serious about that abandoning them thing)

Shrek: (looks in every room of the house twice to make sure nobody is still there.) ah, ok. All clear. (Puts on "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth. Classic. Pulls out bong.) Where's my green at? (Haha another line to get the kids laughing. Shrek is green.)

(Shrek gets ripped off of that tree tho. Then Fiona walks in. She drops her groceries, stunned at the sight of her husband.)

Fiona: Shrek! What kind of father are you?! The kids are all out of the house unsupervised while you're sitting here getting high! It'd be one thing if we were still in college but this is ridiculous!

Shrek: we went to college? (oh yea lol I forgot that you guys never explained Shrek's backstory in any of the movies and if you did, you must have done a really shitty job at it because I don't remember any of it so yup he went to college)

Fiona: (folds arms) I'm disappointed, Shrek.

Shrek: alright fine, then. (Smashes bong on the ground. Nooo.) There. It's gone forever. Are you happy now?

Fiona: not really, but it's a start.

Shrek Jr: (bursts into the house scared as fuck and crying.) Daddy! Mommy!

Fiona: what is it, honey?

Shrek Jr.: It's Shrek Jr. 2, mom! She's gone missing!

Fiona: what?! Oh god! Shrek!

Shrek: (immediately wakes up from his high) where did she go, lad?

Shrek Jr.: I don't know. Some scary man took her away!

Shrek: (rips shirt off. Stomps out of house)

Fiona: (hugs Shrek Jr.) it'll be ok, honey. Daddy will find her.

(Switch scene to Shrek bursting out of the house, shirtless. The other kids are still out there but they are crying.)

Shrek: which way did they go?!

Shrek Jr. 3: they went that way! (points toward the forest)

Shrek: oh for the love of Pete!

(Shrek extends his arms out in front of him so he can charge through the forest in a straight line and knock over any trees in his path. Once he hits his top land speed of 150 mph, he puts it on cruise control. He used to be able to hit 225 mph but it's been a while since Shrek 4 ended. He's not young anymore)

Shrek: (loud and angry as hell) where are you?!

(Switch scene to Lord Farquad, running up to the castle of Duloc. He is here to reclaim his throne, by any means necessary. Since Lord Farquad was eaten by the dragon, a new king of Duloc has been elected. Farquad heads to the front gate of the kingdom. There are three guards out front, heads staring straight ahead. They are at least seven feet tall.)

Farquad: oh this is too easy. (walks right past the guards, who don't even look down or notice that Farquad has just entered the sacred kingdom. This is sure to get some laughs since Farquad is short, remember? Haha anyway…)

(Switch scene to Farquad who has now reached the bottom of the castle's tower stairs. He knows the king sits at the top, in what should be his throne. Farquad starts to go up a few and after a minute of watching him go up the steps, he starts panting and takes a break, resting his hands on his knees)

Farquad: whew, a LOT more steps than I remember. (there's only like ten steps. Hahah Farquad's short)

(Switch scene to the room where Farquad is heading. King Jonah Hill sits upon the throne, eating another leg of lamb. His fifth today.)

King Jonah Hill: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

Mirror on the Wall: ummm I don't remember. (He has alzheimer's now in this one)

King Jonah Hill: it's ok, Mirror, you'll get it one day. Can you show me the security footage of the castle, please?

Mirror: sure. (puts on Tool music video)

King Jonah Hill: ah no no that's not it. Can somebody bring me the remote to this thing?

(Hooded slave hands Jonah Hill the remote)

King Jonah Hill: ah, thank you. I tell ya, I think I might have to get a new one of these things. (starts flipping through channels to get to the security cameras. As he scrolls through, we see he has many porn channels. Show everything. Don't blur it. When he scrolls into the food channel, he stops and is mesmerized by the rotisserie chicken footage that is playing on screen. He begins drooling)

Hooded Slave: uhhh, your majesty?

King Jonah Hill: (shakes his head awake) ah yes…sorry, I blacked out there for a second heeeheee

(King Jonah Hill finally reaches security footage. He views each room and stairwell. Nothing out of the usual until he reaches the tower stairwell. A tiny man is crawling up the eighth step.)

King Jonah Hill: what the hell is that?!

Hooded Slave: (moves in closer to get a better look) oh no…Your majesty, we have to move you to the panic room immediately.

(Hooded Slave picks up Jonah Hill like a baby and carries him into a tiny door frame. All the while, Jonah Hill is flailing and screaming wildly)

King Jonah Hill: put me down! What do you think you're doing?! What in the world is happening?! I demand you tell me what's happening this instant!

(Hooded Slave shoves Jonah Hill feet first into the tiny door frame. He gets him halfway in when Jonah gets stuck. This causes Jonah Hill to flail and scream even more. His eyes are wild now.)

King Jonah Hill: oh look at this now! Look what you've done!

Hooded Slave: sorry, your majesty. I have to get you to safety. The man coming up those steps is here to kill you.

King Jonah Hill: oh yea, well I'm real safe like this! Pull me out! I'll fight him myself like a real king!

Hooded Slave: as you wish, your majesty. (Retrieves butter from the nearby fridge. Hooded Slave butters Jonah Hill up and pulls him out from the door frame.)

(Once King Jonah Hill is free, Hooded Slave goes to put the butter back in the fridge but…)

King Jonah Hill: NO STOP! Give me that! (gobbles down entire stick of butter in one gulp)

Hooded Slave: dear god—

(Farquad enters through the doggy door because he's short)

Farquad: I am here to retrieve what is rightfully mine! (Unsheathes sword. It's a butterknife haha)

(Hooded Slave unsheathes his sword and pushes King Jonah Hill behind him. He stares down Farquad warily as they hold their swords in front of each other in suspense. Farquad makes the first move.)

Farquad: en guarde!

(Hooded Slave dodges then takes a cut toward Farquad's head. Farquad crouches but not quick enough to save his bowl cut. Hooded Slave slices off all of Farquad's hair and gives him a buzz cut.)

Farquad: (gasp) my luscious locks! Ohhh you've done it now!

(Farquad charges at Hooded Slave and goes to stab him but he winds up just running through Hooded Slave's legs. Hooded Slave looks confused between his legs and then behind him. He notices that Farquad wasn't charging toward him at all, but was instead trying to reach…oh no… King Jonah Hill!)

King Jonah Hill: ahh! No! Get this midget away from me!

(A silly scene ensues where King Jonah Hill runs around in circles screaming and flailing his arms over his head while trying to get away from Farquad until King Jonah Hill crashes into Hooded Slave. Both topple over in a pile, dizzy from knocking their heads together upon collision. Farquad approaches them. He is finally taller than them now. He stops right in front of them and stares down upon them menacingly while running his hand across his butterknife slowly)

Farquad: it's funny how some people believe they can fill the shoes of a true king. Isn't it?

King Jonah Hill: dude, you came charging in my house I don't even know you, bro. That's what's so fucked up about this whole thing. I don't know who you are. Yet here you are coming at me with your little knife like damn bro. Just chill out.

Farquad: chill…out? I just came out of a dragon's asshole! I am immune to chilling out! I will only chill out once you are slain! (holds end of butterknife to Jonah Hill's throat)

King Jonah Hill: (throws hands up in the air while shaking his head) oh my GOD, bro! Slave, who the hell is this?

Hooded Slave: he's…Lord Farquad, your majesty. Well, he was until—

Farquad: I am still just as much of a Lord today as I was before that green menace ever entered my life! And you will obey!

King Jonah Hill: green menace? Wait…do you mean…shrek?

Farquad: yes, of course I mean shrek, goddammit!

King Jonah Hill: oh cool I love Shrek.

(As soon as King Jonah Hill finishes that line, a legion of Hooded Slaves enter the throne room. They all have their swords drawn, ready for battle.)

Hooded Slave #2: your majesty, we heard screaming. We were concerned—FARQUAD! Get him!

(Hooded Slaves charge after Farquad, who quickly darts past all of them under their legs. He leaves as he entered; through the doggy door.)

(Switch scene to Shrek, who has finally emerged from the end of the forest and has now entered a vast desert. In the far off distance, he sees a massive sand castle. That must be where this madman is holding his daughter hostage. Shrek doesn't feel like running over there anymore and since there are no obstacles in his way in all directions, Shrek figures "why not" and crouches really low before jumping all the way across the desert in one giant leap. He comes crashing down in front of the castle's front door. He would've crashed through the roof but he doesn't feel like getting sand in his sneakers. They're Jordans after all.)

Shrek: hmm… Interesting place to live, you sick bastard. (opens front door and enters)

(Once inside, Shrek sees that this castle is massive. Although it is made of sand on the outside, there are marble floors and marble pillars on the inside. An immense chandelier hangs from the ceiling of the main room Shrek has just entered.)

Shrek: oh wow a VERY interesting place to live indeed!

(From the main room, there are two immense stairways leading to two different sections of the castle. One left and one right. Shrek does a silly Shrek thing that only Shrek would do by playing eenie meenie miney mo to decide which stairway to take. He chooses the left one. After climbing up all of the steps, Shrek stares down a looooong hallway. It is so long that it becomes dark and shadowy at the end of it, where Shrek can make out the outline of a door; the only door in the entire hallway. Shrek starts to walk cautiously down the hallway while looking at each of the portraits and paintings on the walls. Each contains a massive blue figure. This figure is waaay bigger than shrek and is definitely more in shape.)

Shrek: haha reminds me of me in my younger days.

(Shrek finally gets to the door but stops to look at the final portrait right above it. It is the largest portrait of the hallway. It is a rendition of the Mona Lisa but with the blue figure in it instead. Because it is so well-defined and realistic, Shrek finally realizes that the figure is male. He still is unsure as to what the species is, but it looks like an ogre, like Shrek! … The only thing that's throwing it all off though is that instead of two massive tube-like ears on either side of his head, this creature has a massive horn in the middle of his head. He also has a goatee. The creature is wearing a tuxedo in the portrait and he actually looks rather dashing in it. This makes Shrek feel a bit embarrassed as he stares down at his gut because Shrek is shirtless remember? Shrek is in a castle and he's shirtless. Anyway, Shrek turns the knob to the door and enters)

(Seated in the middle of the room is a massive chair. A lone figure sits in this chair. In front of him, a fire is burning in a very regal-looking fireplace. Shrek approaches the chair. He has found his target. Shrek grabs the back of the chair.)

Shrek: listen here, you bastard! Give me back my daughter!

(Shrek spins the chair around and notices that the figure in the chair is the same as the creature in the portrait. He is wearing a robe and drinking a glass of wine. The creature smiles his sharp shark-like teeth at Shrek and begins to speak.)

Creature: ah, well hello, there, brother. It's about time we finally met.

Shrek: what are you talking about?! I don't have a brother! You got the wrong guy, laddie.

Creature: no I definitely have the right guy, Shrek.

(Upon hearing his name, Shrek knows this guy is serious. Shrek eases off of the creature and backs away slowly out of shock. Shrek has a brother.)

(Creature rises slowly from his chair. He puts his glass of wine down on a nearby side table. Creature begins walking around the large room while Shrek stares mouth agape in awe, ready to listen to whatever Creature has to say.)

Creature: when I was born, I was not like either of our parents. Not in the way I looked, not in the way I spoke, and certainly not in the way I fought. We do not have the same father, Shrek. Mine was a rhinoceros. You see, our mother was a very loose woman. It's a shame that your poor father had to deal with this but it is the way life goes sometimes for certain ogre couples. They banished me. Neither could be caught with a bastard son such as myself. It was bad enough that people thought of them as stupid ugly ogres. But now they were stupid ugly ogres who were starting to breed outside of their own species. You should have seen the fear in humans' eyes as they heard rumors that ogres were going to start breeding with them next. You see, ogres such as you and I are not meant to love. We are meant to live alone, detached from civilization. Our parents forgot that, just as you seem to have forgotten as well. I tried to help you remove some of these pathetic people you seem to care for so much. When I needed more firewood, well…

(Creature motions to fireplace, Pinnocchio's arms and legs are roasting in the fire. Next to the fireplace is a pile of remaining firewood. On top of the pile rests Pinnocchio's head.)

Shrek: NO! You did this?! How could you?! All Pinnocchio ever did was love.

Creature: see, brother? There you go again, caring for them. The people that burned down our ancestor's homes while they slept, slit their throats while they ate dinner…an ogre is meant to be alone. Otherwise, he dies…

Shrek: I once thought the same thing. But ogres can change!

Creature: you think you can…but you are wrong, brother. I've become quite used to loneliness since I was shunned from the only home I'd ever known. I built this castle to live in all on my own. But once the humans found out about this, they passed a law stating that this castle be destroyed to put up…a Radio Shack. Can you believe it? A fuckin' Radio Shack. (Chuckles while shaking his head) Far Far Away is a fucked up place, brother. So I need to make a little deal with you. That's why I took this little ogre away from you!

(Creature pulls a book from his immense bookshelf, causing it to turn. On the other side of it is Shrek Jr. 2, bound to the wall of the other side of the bookshelf. Creature laughs menacingly all the while)

Shrek: Shrek Jr. 2! No! Let her go!

Creature: ah I will but first…it appears I'm gonna need a new home…sign over your swamp to me. (holds out document for Shrek to sign)

Shrek: I will never! I don't care if you really are my brother! You're an asshole! You're not even a real ogre! You rhino half-breed poser!

Creature: fine. I'll just have to kill your daughter in front of you. All because you wanted to save your precious swamp.

Shrek: ok

Creature: wait what? No, you're supposed to put up more of a fight until you surrender the swamp over to me.

Shrek: eh, I like the swamp more.

Creature: what if…I brought Donkey back to life?

Shrek: no…you…you can't do that….That's….That's impossible.

Creature: oh really? (smiles) allow me to demonstrate.

(Creature walks over to a dead plant resting on the same side table he placed his wine glass on before. He touches the dead plant and it springs back to life)

Shrek: what?...how?

Creature: there's a lot you have yet to learn about me, Shrek. Now do we have a deal?

Shrek: (lowers head) yes. We have a deal.

Creature: excellent. (hands Shrek document)

Shrek: (signs document)

(Creature releases Shrek Jr. 2 from her restraints. Shrek Jr. 2 runs quickly over to Shrek with arms wide open ready to jump into her father's arms. Shrek ignores her.)

Creature: I will be there at 7 AM sharp tomorrow to resurrect Donkey. And to move in. Good luck with the house-hunting, Shrek.

(Creature turns to walk away. Shrek stops him.)

Shrek: stop!

(Creature stops without turning around)

Shrek: if you truly are my brother, I should at least know your name.

Creature: oh my name? (looks over shoulder back at Shrek) My name…is Dreck. (walks back to his chair. Sits in it with back to Shrek and Shrek Jr. 2. Picks up glass off the side table and continues to drink)

Shrek: (to Shrek Jr. 2) let's go home. (leaves with Shrek Jr. 2)

(Switch scene to Shrek and Shrek Jr. 2 entering their house, heads hung low in sadness.)

Fiona: oh thank god you're okay, Shrek Jr. 2! I was so worried!

(Fiona runs over to Shrek Jr. 2 and hugs her. Shrek Jr. 2 doesn't respond.)

Fiona: wait…what's wrong?

Shrek: we had to give our swamp away…

Fiona: what? Why?

Shrek: he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

Fiona: no. Did he threaten to kill Shrek Jr. 2?

Shrek: no—I mean yes but it's not that. It's…

Fiona: what do you mean it's not that?! Did you trade our swamp for drugs?

Shrek: no!

Fiona: (gets all up in Shrek's grill) then what was it?!

Shrek: I met my brother and—

Fiona: oh my god! So you're gonna lie about this now! For once, Shrek, just once, tell me the truth!

Shrek: I am, Fiona, I am! (oh he's still shirtless btw)

Fiona: ok (mocking) so what did your "brother" do to make you give our swamp away?

Shrek: Fiona…he can bring Donkey back to life.

(Fiona nearly feints from disbelief. Shrek runs over and catches her before she hits the ground. She looks up at Shrek and says…)

Fiona: I hope your right, Shrek. Otherwise you just ruined all of our lives. Where are we supposed to live now?

Shrek: I found this cozy little condo in the paper that's available. It's in Los Angeles.

Fiona: (a bit disgusted) oh…well when do we have to move?

Shrek: tomorrow. First thing in the morning, my brother Dreck is coming here to bring Donkey back to life then we all move to LA.

Fiona: (close her eyes shut tight and we see a tear fall from her face) ok, Shrek. I'm still with you.

Shrek: thanks, honey.

Shrek Jr. 3: daddy? What's a condo? (gets rocked)

(Shrek's alarm clock goes off the next morning at 6 AM. He wants to be up early enough to see the sun rise one last time from his swamp's front porch. Shrek pulls on a new shirt and sits down in his rocking chair on the porch. He turns on a tiny radio that lies on the porch next to his feet. The song is "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth. Donkey's favorite. Shrek smiles as a tear rolls down his cheek. Donkey will be singing this soon enough. Fiona comes out and sits in her rocking chair next to Shrek on the porch.)

Fiona: what time's Dreck supposed to get here? Should I get the house cleaned up?

Shrek: that'd probably be best. Thank you.

Fiona: (nods and goes back inside to clean the house)

(Shrek watches the top of the sun rise over the hill just as the chorus of "I'm a Believer" begins. He starts humming along with it. Soon, Dreck emerges over the horizon. He can fly apparently. He flies over to Shrek and stops right before his porch.)

Dreck: hello, brother. Is everything in order for our big event?

Shrek: (clicks off radio) as it will ever be. Do you want to come in for a glass of cow diarrhea? (this is equivalent to Shrek's form of coffee. He's a disgusting ogre.)

Dreck: (shrugs shoulders) sure why not? I'd love to meet the rest of your family.

Shrek: you abducted my daughter. Don't try anything stupid.

Dreck: ah we're past that, brother. Besides, don't try to act like you loved her before I did that.

Shrek: trust.

(Shrek follows Dreck inside. Dreck enters and finds himself standing in front of Shrek's entire family.)

Shrek: kids? Fiona? This is my brother, Dreck. Dreck, this is my family.

Dreck: ah why hello there, nieces and nephews. And my sister-in-law. What a beautiful family.

Fiona: (shaking in fear) so nice to finally m-m-meet you, Dr-Dr-Dreck. Here. I made some fresh cow diarrhea for you. (hands Dreck coffee mug)

Dreck: (graciously accepts) ahhh why thank you, my dear. (takes sip.) mmmm yummy

Shrek Jr. 2: (runs up awkwardly to Dreck. Stares up at him from Dreck's feet) wooooaaaaaahhhh. You're big!

Dreck: I have to be! I'm an ogre!

Shrek Jr. 2: but…you don't look like an og—

Dreck: RRROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR

Shrek Jr. 2: oh. Ok. You're an ogre, alright! (skips away)

Dreck: I must say, Shrek, this is a lovely swamp.

Shrek: let's just get down to business, Dreck. Let's not make this more painful than it needs to be.

Dreck: (chugs down the rest of his drink) as you wish, brother. Take me to the corpse.

(Shrek leads Dreck out into the backyard. They stop just before Donkey's grave. Dreck takes a second to look down upon the grave and closes his eyes. He bends down and rests the palm of his right hand down upon the mound of dirt which Donkey is buried under. He sits like this in silence for a solid minute before he rises and asks…)

Dreck: how long has the body been buried here?

Shrek: ah probably a good 3 years or so.

Dreck: I can tell. I'm not getting much a response from the soul that has left this body…..dig him up.

Shrek: uhhh excuse me, lad?

Dreck: dig him up, brother.

Shrek: oh no no no. We ogres are a nasty bunch but that crosses the line, friend.

Dreck: fine. Then I still keep the house but you don't get your precious Donkey back (begins to walk away)

Shrek: stop! (makes fists) fine. I'll do it. (starts digging with his bare hands)

(A montage of Shrek digging up dirt ensues. We see clips of him wiping sweat from his massive brow, Fiona offering him iced tea and him refusing, and one where Shrek Jr. tries to help but Shrek grabs him by the ankle and throws him into space. Finally, Shrek reaches the first sight of Donkey, the skull. The stench emitting from it is horrendous)

Shrek: (covers nose) oh for the love of Pete!

Dreck: that's good enough, brother. A job well done. Now…

(Dreck leans down and touches the middle of Donkey's skull with his index finger. The skeleton starts writhing around and begins to dig its way out of its grave. Once it has fully emerged from the ground it walks up right in front of Shrek and starts to grow muscle, veins, skin, and fur. Finally, Donkey opens his eyes and looks up at Shrek)

Donkey: Shrek! Oh my god it's you! I'm back! Oh my goodness! (starts dancing around)

Shrek: Donkey! (embraces Donkey like he has never hugged him before)

Donkey: ah, Shrek, put me down, you big oaf. You know what? This calls for a celebration. Hit it, boys!

(The three little pigs who are here now start playing their instruments and they start playing "I'm a Believer" exactly like they did in the first movie. In fact, you guys can just take that scene from the first Shrek movie and just photoshop Dreck into each clip of it. That should do the trick. Anyway, they get finished playing the song and stand in freeze frame, each striking their own pose. Shrek has chosen the classic James Bond holding a gun close to his chest pose.)

Dreck: ok you all have to leave my swamp now.

Shrek: (removes from pose. Hangs head in shame) oh…right… (slowly walks away)

Three Blind Mice: Shrek? This isn't your swamp anymore?

Shrek: no. This swamp belongs to him…(points at Dreck)…my brother

(All the fairytale creatures gasp in shock as they now realize who the stranger was that they just did an entire song-and-dance routine with.)

Dreck: that's right. This is my swamp. Now get off of my property!

(Dreck opens his mouth and unleashes a large burst of fire from his throat. All the fairytale creatures manage to dodge the flame breath and escape the confines of the swamp except for the Three Little Pigs, who turn into three honey baked hams after the flame hits them. All that are left behind are the Three Blind Mice who don't know which way to turn because they're blind. They all crash into each other and fall over onto their backs. Dreck raises one mighty foot over them.)

Shrek: stop! You're taking this too far! Let them go!

Dreck: oh, I'm sorry, brother. Am I upsetting you? Does it make you sad that I'm going to murder your friends? Well last I checked, this was my property and you are all trespassing! I have the right to kill them!

Shrek: (hangs head, weak with helplessness) you're right…

Dreck: now, I'm going to kill these pests right in front of you.

Shrek: no! (turns away so he doesn't have to look)

Dreck: (satan voice) WATCH! (holds out hand in Shrek's direction.)

(Through some kind of Jedi-like force powers, Dreck turns Shrek around and holds his eyelids open without even touching him so he forces Shrek to watch him slaughter three of his closest friends)

Three Blind Mice: (crying) Oh, Shrek! Please! Help us!

(Shrek tries to move and break free from the unseen grip Dreck now has on him but he can't. Tears begin falling from his eyes as he knows what he is about to witness)

Dreck: silly vermin, Shrek can't help you now! (begins to force his foot down)

(Right before the weight of Dreck's foot can explode the guts out of the Three Blind Mice's bodies, Fiona smashes Dreck in the back of the head with a frying pan. She usually uses it to cook onions but it makes a great weapon. This knocks Dreck unconscious and he falls to the ground out cold.)

Fiona: c'mon! Let's get out of here before he wakes up!

(Fiona grabs the Three Blind Mice and runs along with Shrek and her kids and Donkey far from the swamp. Shrek leads them to the airport, where they catch a plane for Los Angeles and off they fly…)

(Switch scene to the Shrek family on the plane. Shrek is writhing around uncomfortably in his seat as it appears to be too small for him to fit in.)

Shrek: ah goddammit! (pounds fists on armrests)

Guy sitting next to Shrek: could you just sit still? Please?!

(Shrek sneers at the guy with deep hatred and begins to wind up his massive right fist. Shrek punches the guy clean through the wall of the plane. The guy's neck snapped on impact with the punch but Shrek always wants to be double-sure when it comes to killing. People start getting sucked out of the plane through the massive hole Shrek has now created but not Shrek or his family. They're too heavy. Shrek puts an arm out to save Donkey from flying out. He doesn't want to lose him again and neither do we. The plane starts going down.)

Shrek: we're gonna have to jump for it!

Donkey: WHAT?! No. No no no no NO! I am NOT jumpin' outta this plane, Shrek! I don't care how hard you try to make me do it. There is no way. You're gon' have to carry my ass out of here if you wanna see me jumpin' from this death heap. I'll die on this—

(Shrek grabs donkey and his entire family in his massive arms and jumps out of the plane. All scream on their way down. Luckily there's only water below them. Shrek makes the largest splash in the history of history as he makes impact with the ocean surface. All go under then emerge from the water gasping for air)

Donkey: let's do that again!

Shrek: hehehe you said it, pal.

Fiona: No! Shrek?! You could've killed all of us!

Shrek: (shrugs shoulders, smiling his classic Shrek smile)

Shrek Jr. 2: everybody, look! (points toward land.)

(We follow where Shrek Jr. 2 is pointing directly to a sign that reads "Welcome to Los Angeles" on it)

Shrek: well! Home Sweet Home!

(All start swimming towards shore)

(Switch scene to Shrek family and Donkey entering their new home. Shrek can barely fit through the doorway but since he chose this place, he tries to act as if it's only a minor inconvenience.)

Shrek: (grunting) rrr mmmm hehe just a bit snug.

(Finally Shrek gets through the doorway and the family follows closely behind. They look around at the inside of the condo laid before them. It's totally empty but they all think this could actually work. Shrek's in LA.)

Shrek Jr: I call this room! (runs into nearest bedroom)

Shrek Jr. 2: no way! I want that one! (All the Shrek kids race after each other into different rooms, each trying to claim it as their own.)

Shrek: (quietly to Fiona) should we go check out our room?

Fiona: (pushes Shrek away) no, Shrek. I have to go buy some things to liven this place up. We don't even have any furniture! I'll go buy us some food and stuff. You watch the kids.

Shrek: ok, Fiona.

(Fiona leaves. As soon as the door closes behind her, Shrek begins his manhunt. He finds Shrek Jr. jumping around in what is now his new room. Shrek headbutts him unconscious and throws him into the basement. He does the same to the two other kids. When he throws them down the basement stairs, he makes sure that they hit each and every step on the way down. Afterwards, he sits down on the living room floor and begins to calm himself down through meditation. When he feels that he is in his most peaceful state of mind, Shrek stands up)

Shrek: ok. Time to christen the new house.

(Shrek walks toward the bathroom in slow-motion while a choir sings opera in the background. Shrek shuts the door and we hear him unleash a fury of destruction into the toilet. While this was funny enough just to hear Shrek shitting in the first four movies, we have to step it up a notch in this film. We zoom into the keyhole of the bathroom door and we enter the bathroom through it. We get to witness everything. Shrek is holding onto either side of the bowl and is crying with joy as the shit runs out of him like a faucet. Soon the bowl starts overflowing and Shrek starts rubbing it all over his skin. All the while, he is purring in delight like a tiny kitten. Oh the choir is still singing too. Shrek Jr. 3 knocks on the door.)

Shrek: not now! (loud shitting) GRRRR AHHHHH!

Shrek Jr. 3: but daddy! I really gotta go!

Shrek: go outside! This is important! (louder shitting) OH JESUS!

(The bathroom cannot contain any more. The door bursts off its hinges and flies into the nearest wall. Shrek Jr. 3 becomes coated in his father's shit. He stands there and willingly accepts it. Shrek emerges with a smile, puts his hands on his hips and states…)

Shrek: ahhh that was a delight! (to Shrek Jr. 3) oh, clean this up before mom gets back.

(Shrek then goes to his room for a nap. Upon crossing the threshold, he spots a naked Seth Rogen, who has his back to Shrek, putting on the last piece of his Donkey costume. When he is finished, Donkey turns around and becomes startled)

Donkey: (Eddie Murphy voice acting) oh! Oh hey Shrek! W-W-What're you up to?

Shrek: uhhhh nothing. Just came in for a nap is all. What're you doing in my room anyway?

Donkey: oh this is your room? Ah I should've figured. Hey I should make waffles again. For old time's sake, ya know?

Shrek: uhhh sure, Donkey, why don't you just go ahead and get started on that. I'll take my nap and you can wake me up when they're ready, ok?

Donkey: you got it, Shrek! (struts away humming "I'm a Believer")

Shrek: hmmm that was strange. I must've eaten some bad frog stomachs. I need to lie down. (takes a nap)

(Switch scene to the next day. Fiona has done a wonderful job decorating the condo with mildew and mold. They're ogres! But yeah, she just needs to buy a few things to make dinner. Onions again. Fiona grabs her purse and gathers the kids. Before she goes out to the car, she stands in front of Shrek who is watching cartoons again.)

Fiona: I'm taking the kids with me this time. I want them to pick out what they want to eat for their first dinner in the new home. You want anything?

Shrek: nah. Peace.

(Fiona and the kids leave to go pick up groceries. Shrek closes the blinds & turns out all the lights. He searches his condo to see if anyone's around. All is quiet now as he begins to dance. Lord Farquad hides in corner, giggling. Shrek believes he is alone but Farquad now has leverage over him. Shrek notices Farquad and begins to roar. Fiona enters with groceries but drops them on the floor upon seeing her husband so enraged.)

Fiona: Shrek! What's wrong?! Wait…FARQUAD?!

Farquad: ah why hello there, my dear Fiona. And Shrek. So good to see both of you. Turns out your friend Dragon swallowed me whole and it only took her 13 years to poop me out.

Shrek: (stomps over to Farquad and stares down at him menacingly) what are you doing here, midget?

Farquad: As you know, Ogre, you defeated me quite handily when it came to my plan to become king of Far Far Away. And it seems that a new king has taken my place. I need your help to take him down.

Shrek: and why would I ever help you?

Farquad: look around you, Shrek. Is this really where you want to spend the rest of your days as an ogre? No respectable ogre in his right mind would ever set foot in a condo such as this. You fought a mighty battle to get your swamp back. Do you really want to let that go to waste?

Shrek: (looks down ashamed. His ears even droop too like they do when he's really sad) no.

Farquad: then join me. With you, we can overthrow the king…together! And when I steal back my rightful position at the throne, I will grant you back your swamp and evict Dreck from the premises.

Shrek: if I do this…how will I know for sure that you won't turn on me?

Farquad: oh, shrek, have a little faith, pal! We all know the only reason I fought against you was so you wouldn't steal Fiona away and now look at her. I don't give a shit anymore. Just trust me ok? You won't be sorry that you did. (extends hand for a deal-closing handshake)

(Shrek looks down at Farquad's hand then back at his family. Finally, he looks down at Donkey who nods his head. Shrek turns back to Farquad, looks him in the eye and says…)

Shrek: we got a deal! (shakes Farquad's hand vigorously. Everyone in the background cheers)

Farquad: excellent. Now, here's the plan…

(A montage ensues where Farquad tells Shrek the plan over the course of several hours while "Schism" by Tool plays in the background. Shrek tries to pay attention but keeps nodding off to sleep. Farquad slaps him awake and Shrek glares at Farquad menacingly. Farquad backs away nervously then continues drawing his plan on a chalkboard. It's a lot of circles and stuff and at one point we pan away to see the entire board and notice it is just a big smiley face of Shrek haha. Farquad and Shrek both look at it then at each other and laugh heartily. While they are laughing, Shrek Jr. enters and starts drawing a tiny stick figure man on the chalkboard. This causes Shrek to pick up the entire chalkboard and smash it over Shrek Jr.'s head. This makes Farquad and Shrek laugh harder. Fiona comes in with refreshments for the boys but Shrek knocks them out of her hands, spilling the drinks all over Fiona's brand new dress. Fiona gets mad and storms away in a pissy fit, which makes Shrek and Farquad start rolling around on the floor laughing. Shrek even high-fives Farquad at one point during the laughter attack. This is clearly not the same evil Farquad we once knew)

Shrek: oh, Farquad. How did you get to be so silly?!

Farquad: ya know, it's amazing what living in the stomach acid of a dragon for almost a decade and a half can do to a guy.

Shrek: I'll say!

Fiona: Shrek? I just sent the kids to bed so I'm sorry, Farquad, but I have to ask you to leave.

Farquad: well, that's just the thing, Fiona…I'm homeless…

Fiona: what?

Farquad: the castle of Duloc was my home. And now that King Jonah Hill lives there, I don't have anywhere to go. So until Shrek and I finish our assassination plan against the king, I was wondering…if I could just stay here with you guys?

Shrek: oh boy! Can he? Can he? Can he, pleeeeease, Fiona? Pleeeeeease?

Fiona: (Sigh) oh, alright.

Shrek and Farquad: YAY! (Jump and high-five. Farquad only reaches Shrek's stomach. Both look at each other and laugh)

Fiona: ok, Shrek. Come to bed.

Shrek: no! I'm gonna stay out here with Farquad! Look, we even have matching sleeping bags! (holds out Shrek 2 sleeping bags proudly)

Fiona: (a bit hurt and taken aback) oh…well…ok then…don't stay up too late… (walks quietly back to bed. Looks back one last time to see Shrek asking Farquad if he wants to see his toe fungus. Farquad gets super excited and says yea so shrek shows him and the Farquad says EWW GROSS and then finally Fiona leaves to go to bed. Alone.)

(Fiona is the first one to wake up the next morning. She goes to the bathroom but somebody is in there using the shower and has locked the door. Fiona knocks on the door)

Fiona: (knocking) hello? Who's in here? Can you please hurry up? I need to use the bathroom.

(A voice from inside answers. It sounds like Seth Rogen doing a very shitty Eddie Murphy impression)

Seth-Murphy: uhhh yeah, Fiona. It's me, Donkey. Hang on just a second!

Fiona: Donkey? What're you doing in the shower? You never used a shower once in your life. You don't need to. You're a donkey!

Seth-Murphy: uhh yeah well ya know how it is, Princess. Sometimes you just like to feel the warm water rush over ya. Yea. And you like to sing in the shower, like this! (starts singing "I'm a Believer") see? I'll be out in a second anyway though soooo don't come in!

Fiona: oooookkkaaayyyy? I'm just gonna start making breakfast for everyone.

Seth-Murphy: ok, Princess hehe sounds good!

(Fiona walks away down the hall but we stay focused on the bathroom door. We hear the water turn off and naked Seth Rogen bursts out of the bathroom looking frightened and holding his Donkey costume in hand. He runs into a nearby closet and gets dressed. When he emerges, he looks just like the Donkey we all know and struts down the hall cool and calm with lots of swag. Also, he has Eddie Murphy voice-acting him again.)

(Switch scene to Fiona walking into the living room where Shrek and Farquad slept for the night. Their sleeping bags are empty but Fiona hears Shrek's laugh coming from outside. Fiona goes to the nearest window and sees Shrek and Farquad playing tag. Shrek is "it". Farquad doesn't stand a chance. Nope. He sure didn't. Shrek tags Farquad by throwing him into a tree headfirst)

Shrek: hahaha tag! You're it! (starts running away)

Farquad: (concussed. bleeding badly from the head) hahaha not for long! (starts chasing Shrek)

(Fiona steps outside)

Fiona: Shrek? I need to talk to you.

Shrek: (runs over to Fiona) ok but make it quick. Farquad's "it".

Fiona: Shrek…

(Fiona considers her next words carefully)

Fiona: Shrek, it's great that you've made a new friend but…

Shrek: but what? C'mon, Fiona, I'm serious. Make it quick. Farquad's fast for a tiny fucker.

Fiona: I don't think you should be trusting Farquad as much as you seem to be

Shrek: but he's changed! I promise! Look! (holds out friendship bracelet) we made these together last night!

Fiona: (rolls eyes. Goes back in the house)

(Shrek watches Fiona leave, concerned but then gets tagged by Farquad)

Shrek: oh no you didn't! (Picks up car. Slams it on Farquad) Tag! You're "it" forever! I win! I win! I win!

Farquad: (crawls out from under the car. He's bleeding from pretty much everywhere) ok fine. You win. Let's just go inside. I'm hungry.

(Shrek and Farquad go inside and see that Fiona has prepared a great breakfast in the kitchen. Donkey is even helping to make the waffles!)

Farquad: ahhh a meal fit for a king!

Shrek: you said it, buddy! That throne will be yours in no time! And I'll have my swamp!

Fiona: I know you boys have a long journey ahead of you so I made you some of my finest breakfast dishes…with a little help from Donkey of course!

Donkey: (looks away from waffle cooking. Blushes and smiles. Twinkle in the teeth)

Farquad: well, actually Fiona, we're not leaving today.

Fiona: what? Why in the world not?

Donkey: (Stops cooking. Throws down spatula angrily. Throws off apron. Storms off)

Farquad: because—uhhhh….because…. (looks to Shrek for help)

Shrek: because we need to wait until the king's birthday! Yea that's it. The king's birthday. That way we can surprise him with his birthday present

Farquad: yea that's it! Exactly!

Fiona: Shrek, can I speak to you privately please?

Farquad: ooooh you're in troublllleeeeee

Shrek: oh shut up! (rips a tooth from Farquad's mouth)

Farquad: owww! Haha good one, pal!

(Fiona leads Shrek into the nearest empty room.)

Fiona: (quietly) Shrek?! What do you think you're doing?! This isn't a hotel! I will not live here with Farquad for another day! You two said you had a plan so go ahead and do it. Today!

Shrek: but honey, I—

Fiona: no, Shrek. This isn't some playpen for you and Farquad. You need to go kill King Jonah Hill and get our swamp back. Now.

Shrek: oh ok…(slumps shoulders and pouty-faces all the way back into the kitchen. Sits at the table and waits for his food)

Farquad: so what'd she say? Can I stay another day?!

Shrek: no. we're going on our mission today. As soon as we're done eating, we're leaving.

Farquad: (to Fiona) cunt.

(Midway through eating, Donkey looks at Shrek and we can see he is mustering up the courage to say something)

Donkey: uhhh Shrek?

Shrek: yes, Donkey?

Donkey: I was…I was just wonderin'…Can I come with ya'll on this trip?

Shrek: (ponders it over for a second) sure you can, buddy. Sure. (pats Donkey on the head)

Donkey: oh this'll be great! Just like old times, eh Shrek?

Shrek: yup!

Farquad: (Begins sharpening his butterknife)

(Switch scene to Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad in the front yard checking to see if they have all of their supplies for the journey ahead.)

Shrek: …aaaaand check. Looks like we're set. Shall we? (takes first step toward Duloc)

Fiona: Shrek! Wait!

(Fiona comes running after Shrek waving. Shrek stops and turns around just in time to receive a big kiss on the lips from his wife. This is the first time they've kissed since Shrek 4. Aww.)

Fiona: good luck, Shrek. Go get us our swamp back.

Donkey: hey, Princess! How about a lil' somethin' for the noble steed, huh?

(Fiona bends down and kisses Donkey on the cheek. He blushes. Fiona then stands back up, hugs Shrek, and watches them as they turn around and leave on their assassination mission to kill King Jonah Hill.)

(Switch scene to Dreck throwing all of Shrek's old things out of the house and onto the front lawn of the swamp. When he gets rid of the last item, Shrek's weight bench, he dusts his hands off and smiles appreciatively at his work.)

Dreck: ahhh a remodeling job well done. I must say, I love what I've done with the place

(Dreck folds his arms and looks inside the house. Inside, we see a bed of spikes, chains, axes, and saws hanging from the walls, along with a few skulls and skeletons lying around everywhere. Dreck walks in, sit on his couch made of elephant bones, and turns on the tv.)

Dreck: ahhhh beautiful. (takes a nap)

(Switch scene to Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad a few miles into their journey. They are walking alongside a highway because they're in LA remember? Shrek is giving Farquad a piggy-back ride)

Donkey: Shrek? Why couldn't we just take a car?

Shrek: I don't have my license, Donkey.

Donkey: oh…well what about a plane?

Shrek: (looks angrily down at Donkey.)

Donkey: oh…right…well I'm hungry! Let's find someplace to eat!

Farquad: I have to agree with the barn animal, Shrek. I don't know how much longer I can last without some food in my stomach.

Shrek: god, fine! We'll stop at the next restaurant we pass.

Donkey: kool!

(Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad see an exit sign advertising McDonald's. They head towards it.)

(Switch scene to Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad entering the McDonald's. All the people inside stop eating immediately and look up afraid.)

Shrek: hey! What're you all looking at?! RRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRR!

(All the people escape the McDonald's as fast as they can, including the employees. Shrek jumps over the counter and starts going in on all of the burgers and fries.)

Donkey: well, don't eat all of it, Shrek! Toss some of that over here!

(Shrek rips an entire heating tray of burgers from its foundation and throws it at Donkey and Farquad. They dodge it but then start eating as well. When they are finished, they are extremely tired from being so full and they wind up falling asleep in a food coma.)

(Switch scene to Shrek waking up in a fright.)

Shrek: oh no! What time is it?! (looks at clock. It is 12:30…..AM)

(Shrek gets up and runs over to Donkey and Farquad who are cuddling with each other. Aww )

Shrek: Lads! Lads, wake up! We fell asleep! We gotta make up for lost time!

Farquad: (waking up) wha—what are you blabbering on about?

Shrek: (grabs Farquad. Points to clock)

Farquad: oh shit! Donkey, we need to leave!

(Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad leave the McDonald's as fast as they can. They catch a bus to Duloc. Why didn't they just do this earlier? Oh idk. As Shrek is getting on the bus…)

Bus Driver: yo man, no free rides. $2 each if you're tryna go to Duloc.

(Shrek knocks out the bus driver with a mighty kick in the head. Donkey and Farquad see this as their opportunity to get a seat. Shrek then places the unconscious bus driver under one of the front wheels of the bus and assumes his rightful position of bus driver. Shrek steps on the gas as hard as he fucking can and crushes the driver's skull under the tire. Then he backs over him and then drives over him again as they continue off to Duloc.)

Shrek: how about some tunes, eh? (turns on the radio. It's "All-Star" by Smash Mouth.)

Donkey: OOOOH! This is my JAM!

(All sing the chorus together as they drive off into a fade-out screen)

(Switch scene to Fiona, cleaning a few things around the condo. When I say cleaning, I mean she is just adding more dog mucus and whale shit to everything that is clean. She gets to a bookshelf that holds numerous dictionaries and the Fifty Shades of Gray series. Fiona spots one book in particular that she put there herself upon moving in; a photo album. Fiona flips through all of the pages to see pictures of Shrek playing with the kids outside, Shrek and Fiona dancing at their wedding, and a few pictures of Shrek and Donkey drinking beer in the swamp on the Fourth of July. Fiona starts tearing up and a few tears land on another pic of Shrek cooking rat stew for everyone at Thanksgiving. Even Pinnocchio was there.)

(Switch scene to Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad are riding in their bus to Duloc, still jamming out to Smash Mouth's Greatest Hits album when all of a sudden the engine starts rattling.)

Shrek: (punching steering wheel with both fists) no no NOOO!

Donkey: what's the matter, Shrek?

Shrek: (Rips steering wheel from the console) RAHHH! We're out of gas…

Farquad: oh well isn't that lovely. Jesus, Shrek, did you even check the meter to see how much was left?

Shrek: I already told you…I never got my license. I don't know how to work any of this shit.

Farquad: dammit! Fine, it seems like we'll have to walk the rest of the way. (takes out map) the good news is that we are just about halfway there and we're back on schedule with our original plan

Shrek: ok so how many more miles do we have to walk?

Farquad: 100,000

Shrek: (feints)

Donkey: uhhh…Shrek?

(Farquad and Donkey drag Shrek out of the bus. Farquad pulls his back out in the process and starts applying Icy Hot to it. Finally, after Donkey waves an onion under Shrek's nose, Shrek wakes up and eats it whole)

Shrek: alright. Let's do this.

(Montage of Shrek, Donkey, and Farquad walking through various states across America while "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth plays in the background. Soon, they get to a bridge over a large ocean that will lead them into New Jersey.)

Farquad: ah well it seems like we're still making good time. Only 45,000 miles to go. After we cross this bridge, we can take a boat across to Duloc.

(As they continue walking, they are stopped just before crossing the threshold of the bridge as a massive being rises from the ocean below the bridge and crashes through it. It's Satan. He is at least 70 million stories tall)

Shrek: well there goes our plan.

Satan: SHREK! I HAVE COME HERE TO STEAL YOUR SOUL! SURRENDER TO ME OR I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!

Shrek: haha nah brah

Satan: THEN I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGHT ME!

Shrek: ok dude

(Shrek blasts off heading towards Satan's head with his fist outstretched in front of him. Satan swats Shrek away as easily as swatting a fly. Shrek crashes into the ocean with a major splash. When Shrek surfaces, he stares up at Satan angrily)

Satan: HAHAHA YOU TINY LITTLE OGRE! YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL A MOVE LIKE THAT ON ME? NOT A CHANCE! C'MON! I WANNA SEE YOU TRY!

(Shrek thinks for a second then goes underwater. Satan can't seem to find Shrek after he goes under and starts looking around everywhere for him. Suddenly a major piece of debris from the bridge comes flying at Satan's head. He dodges it but when he looks to see where it came from, there is nobody there. As he is turned around, another piece of debris hits Satan in the back of the head. However, since Satan is big, so it only feels like a pebble hit him. He turns around and catches Shrek right before he goes underwater again. He reaches down and pulls Shrek from the water. He holds him up close to his face)

Satan: HAHA NICE TRY, OGRE! IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT MORE THAN A FEW TRICKS LIKE THAT TO DEFEAT ME!

Shrek: oh yeah? Well, how about this?

(Shrek begins to lean back in Satan's grip. When he has gone as far back as he can, he then leans forward and lets out a mighty burp. The stench is worse than death and old asshole.)

Satan: (sniffs) OH! OH SHIT! NAH FUCK THIS I'M OUT! (Drops Shrek)

(Shrek begins falling from Satan's height of 70,000 stories high towards what remains of the cement bridge)

Donkey: AHHH! No! Shrek!

(Shrek lands hard on his back against the bridge asphalt. He lays there for a while; possibly dead. Satan is seen in the background descending back into the ocean. Before he leaves you can faintly here him shout "SATAN SQUAD")

Donkey: (runs up to Shrek's body) Shrek? SHREK?! SHREEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!

(Fade into a white-out screen while Donkey's cries for Shrek echo in the background. We then see Shrek in Heaven, walking towards the pearly gates. Pinnocchio stands in front of them, waiting for Shrek to approach him. He is smiling at Shrek. Shrek, upon seeing Pinnocchio, starts laughing and runs up to him to give him a big warm ogre hug)

Shrek: (laughing giddily) hahaha yay! Pinnocchio! Awesome!

(Shrek runs up to Pinnocchio and embraces him tighter than ever before. Soon Shrek hugs him so tight that he gets a splinter in one hand haha. Shrek lets go, looks at Pinnocchio bashfully and then both of them laugh together)

Pinnocchio: oh, Shrek. It's really good to see you. There's some other people here who've been waiting for you as well. We're so glad you're here!

Shrek: ya know, Pinnocchio. It's good to see you too. I guess I should go say hi to the others then?

Pinnocchio: absolutely! Follow me!

(As they enter the pearly gates, there are streets of gold everywhere while all of the angels in Heaven are playing volleyball or golfing. Some relax on the front porch of their 50-story mansions. It is a beautiful place indeed)

Shrek: wow. Some place ya got here…by the way…Pinnocchio, I'm sorry about what my brother did to you. I really wish I was there to stop him but I didn't even know I had a brother.

Pinnocchio: oh, it's okay, Shrek! I was gonna off myself that day anyway!

Shrek: ah neat.

(Soon Shrek and Pinnocchio reach a house that has a sign out front reading: "The Fairytale Creatures".)

Pinnocchio: well, here we are!

Shrek: you all live in one house?

Pinnocchio: yea! It was Gingy's idea. We all loved each other so much that we decided we should all just spend the rest of eternity together in happiness under one roof. Ready to go inside, pal?

Shrek: (Shrugs and smiles awkwardly) as I'll ever be I suppose

(Pinnocchio leads Shrek inside where there are the Three Little Pigs playing poker, Gingerbread Man playing ping-pong with the Big Bad Wolf, and many others playing various table or board games)

Pinnocchio: hey guys! Look who I found! It's SHREK!

(Place goes absolutely fuckin' nuts for this ogre fuck. They start screaming and jumping everywhere. Gingy blasts Meshuggah through the stereo. The all start fuckin' losin' it. Soon Shrek starts a mosh pit. They break literally everything. After this is over, they all calm down and start asking Shrek what happened. When he tells them, they are amazed that he vanquished Satan. Soon, Shrek feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around to find…Donkey?)

Donkey: hey, Shrek.

Shrek: what? But—but donkey…you're there (points down) you were with me and Farquad. We were going to kill King Jonah Hill.

Donkey: I don't know what in the world you're talkin' about Shrek. I've been here since that beam knocked me on my head haha

Shrek: Wait…if you're here, then…who is…..I need to go back!

Donkey: what? Nobody can go back. Once you're in Heaven, you're here for good.

Shrek: Donkey, you don't understand. There's an issue back in Far Far Away. Somebody is pretending to be you!

Donkey: somebody's pretendin' to be me?! Well, I'm flattered haha

Shrek: you shouldn't be

(Shrek pushes people out of his way as he heads to leave. He bursts through the door and rushes back toward the pearly gates which he entered. They are locked. Shrek rattles the bars as he tries to open them but it is no use. Donkey was right)

Shrek: no. No. This can't be happening. Dreck lied to me! That piece of SHIT!

(Shrek begins pounding on the gates mightily. He dents them but they repair themselves immediately.)

Shrek: there has to be another way.

(Shrek starts looking around for an exit and we can tell he is thinking critically. Finally, we notice he has hatched an idea as he smiles and stares down at the golden pavement under his feet. Shrek jumps high into the air. Once he reaches the height of his jump, he rotates into a nose-dive back towards the ground. Shrek raises his fists in front of him and crashes through the street. He starts descending towards Earth and begins angling himself to New Jersey. Soon Shrek can make out the tops of houses and the people look like ants. Shrek spots the bridge, or at least what is left of it from his battle with Satan, Lord of Darkness. Shrek then gets close enough to make out his body and smiles as he heads toward it. Shrek's spirit crashes into his body and he springs up from his place on the bridge. He looks around and sees that Donkey and Farquad are still there, looking concerned.)

Donkey: Shrek? You're alive?! YEAH!

Shrek: (looks at Donkey weird)

Donkey: what's the matter, Shrek?

Shrek: ummm…..nothing, I guess. I think I just had a really bad dream while I was knocked out just then. Let's keep going.

(Shrek grabs Donkey and Farquad and launches across the major gap that has now formed in the bridge since the battle with Satan. When they land, Shrek puts them down and they continue to walk towards Duloc. Eventually they reach a sign that says "Welcome to Media, PA!" Shrek stops right before the sign and stares at it in horror while Donkey and Farquad keep walking. They stop and turn around when they notice Shrek isn't with them.)

Donkey: umm Shrek? Why ain't you comin' with us?

Shrek: (Still staring at the sign, wide-eyed) I'm not welcome here.

Donkey: wait what do you mean?

Shrek: I—uhhh—I don't think it's necessary to talk about it.

Farquad: of course it is! If you can't come with us, we have no chance of reaching Duloc and regaining my throne! Now tell us!

Shrek: oh alright! … This is where I used to run my molly drug ring.

Farquad: what?!

Donkey: oh yeah I remember that. But c'mon, Shrek. I'm sure the people here have forgotten all about that mess by now.

Shrek: (looks at Donkey and gets an idea) oh so you remember it do ya?

Donkey: umm yea, Shrek. Why wouldn't I?

Shrek: well if you remember it so well, then why don't you tell me what happened when the cops found out.

Donkey: umm well, first they broke down the door to your house. Then they put handcuffs on you and you called them "pigs" but then—

(Shrek grabs Donkey by the neck and holds him up close to his face while choking him tightly. Shrek begins snarling.)

Shrek: none of that happened, you imposter! Now, who are you?!

Donkey: (through gasps of air and choking noises) I (gasp) I'm Donkey!

Shrek: (Moves Donkey closer) No….You're…Not…. WHO ARE YOU?!

Donkey: (choking) ok—ok I'll show (gasp) but first (gasp) put me down

(Shrek squeezes Donkey's throat even tighter but then releases him. Donkey falls to the ground in a heap and starts gasping for air.)

Shrek: well? I'm waiting!

(Donkey stands up with his ears drooping and looks up at Shrek.)

Donkey: are you sure you want to know?

Shrek: (nods)

Donkey: (smiles) too bad. (whistles)

(Suddenly, Dragon crashes onto the ground between Donkey and Shrek. Shrek falls to the ground. Donkey climbs on to Dragon's back. Shrek rushes to get back up and starts charging at Dragon. Dragon breathes fire in front of Shrek, forcing Shrek to stop his assault.)

Seth Rogen: (Pulls off Donkey mask) goodbye, Shrek! Hahahaha!

(Dragon flies off with Seth Rogen into the sky. Shrek stands there watching them fly away with amazement)

Farquad: forget them, Shrek. We have more important things to do.

Shrek: yea. Of course. But how do I get through Media?

Farquad: I have an idea. It's a classic.

(Switch scene to Shrek under a trenchcoat with Farquad standing on his shoulders. Together, in this formation, they look like a really tall Farquad, which is sure to get some laughs from those fans of irony in attendance)

Farquad: (puts on sunglasses so nobody will recognize his face. Oh he still has a buzz cut btw) ok. Here goes nothing. (looks down to Shrek) start walking.

(Shrek-quad walks through the entirety of Media with no issues until they reach the bridge that leads from Media to Duloc. In front of them stands Bruce Willis, looking ahead sternly)

Shrek-quad: oh why hello there, sir. We are on our merry way to Duloc. If you wouldn't mind, could you please stand aside so that we may pass through?

Bruce Willis: we?

Farquad: (looking down at Shrek) oh shit he knows!

(Shrek runs out from under the trenchcoat in slow motion. Farquad is seen falling off Shrek's shoulders as Shrek charges at Bruce Willis, fist winding up to land a mean right hook. When Shrek goes to punch him, Bruce Willis grabs Shrek's fist and twists it all the way around, shattering the bones in Shrek's wrist.)

Shrek: AHHHH FUCK!

Bruce Willis: stop this Shrek. You know you can't win.

Shrek: RRRRRAAAAAAHHHHH! (goes to kick Bruce Willis. Bruce dodges)

Bruce: Just listen to me, Shrek-

Shrek: NO!

(With his other hand, Shrek lands a punch in Bruce Willis's gut. Bruce Willis just stands there taking it and it seems like it doesn't cause him any pain.)

Shrek: what? No. Impossible.

Bruce Willis: Shrek, I'm just the toll collector for this bridge. All you need to do is pay me like three dollars and you can cross.

Shrek: oh.

(Shrek pays the three dollars and so does Farquad. Together, they cross the bridge and enter Duloc. It looks the same since the first movie except there are pictures of Jonah Hill's smile everywhere)

Shrek: wow I didn't think this place could get any weirder since you were here but boy was I wrong.

Farquad: oh shut it!

(Together, Shrek and Farquad approach the Duloc castle. There are numerous guards protecting the outer wall of the castle; many more than when Farquad entered the castle before.)

Farquad: hmmm seems like they knew I'd be coming back. Looks like they've beefed up security.

Shrek: oh, well how adorable. (Rushes towards guards)

("Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett begins playing as Shrek runs up to the line of guards and clotheslines all of them with his outstretched good arm. The other arm that still has a shattered wrist dangles at Shrek's side. As Shrek is clotheslining them, however, it appears as though Shrek feels no pain. After Shrek has clotheslined all of them, he opens the gate leading into the castle. He then motions to Farquad, who has been watching from far away, to follow him.)

Shrek: ok so where are we headed?

Farquad: (points to the highest tower of the castle.) there. That's where that unworthy king is.

Shrek: alright.

(As Shrek and Farquad charge toward the tower, a legion of guards emerges from the tower attempting to stop them with weapons outstretched far in front of them. Shrek stands in front of them and roars louder than he ever has before. The sheer force from the roar sends the guard's weapons flying out of their hands. Shrek then charges at the guards and begins punching each of them with his good fist. We close in on certain punches in particular. One sends the guard's head flying off his body, which Shrek eats. Then he moves to the next guard and punches his fist through the guard's body. Shrek pulls his fist back out of the guard's body and rips the next guard's throat out of his neck. Shrek eats this as well. He then turns to the last remaining guard and belches. This sends some pieces of the guards that Shrek has eaten all over the face of this last guard. Shrek smiles, grows fangs and bites into the guard's neck. Shrek drains the blood from the guard and swallows all of it. He needed a drink to go with all that guard meat! Once Shrek is finished with all of these guards, he looks down at the bloodbath lying on the ground in front of him and he just can't resist. Shrek rips off his shirt, kicks off his J's, and starts rolling around in the blood, giggling. Farquad feints at the sight of all of this.)

Shrek: Farquad? Farquad? Oh fine. I guess I'll just keep going by myself.

(Shrek puts his shirt back on, laces up his Jordans, and continues toward the tower. Shrek enters the tower and sprints up the stairs so quickly that he looks like a green blur as he ascends towards the king's room. Shrek notices the door to the king's room is closed so he rips it from the hinges and throws it to the ground. Shrek enters and finds King Jonah Hill sitting in his throne eating shrimp shirtless while running his foot bath)

King Jonah Hill: (spits out shrimp) what?! No way! HAHA AWESOME! Shrek's here!

Shrek: what?

King Jonah Hill: dude I love you! You saved this city from Farquad and if it weren't for you, there's no way I'd be king right now. (holds out plate of Shrimp) you want some?

Shrek: ahh no thank you. I just ate (turns to screen and smiles)

King Jonah Hill: oh ok then I understand. SO what do you want to do, Shrek? Watch a movie? Play Monopoly?

Shrek: well, actually, your highness, I-uhh…

King Jonah Hill: oh my! Look at your wrist! Hooded Slave, come fix Shrek's wrist.

(Hooded Slave enters with surgical tools. He heals Shrek's wrist in the matter of a minute. Like the entire surgery and healing time all in under a minute)

Shrek: thank you-

(Farquad runs in with his butterknife sword raised high above his head towards King Jonah Hill, who immediately runs from his throne screaming)

King Jonah Hill: ahhh fuck! Shrek! Help me! Stop this man!

Shrek: (begins scratching his head awkwardly while raising one eyebrow) well actually, your highness…uhh he's with me.

King Jonah Hill: WHAT?! How could you betray me like this, Shrek?! You made me king! I just got your wrist fixed! I thought we were friends, bro!

Shrek: yea I kinda feel bad about this now. Farquad, do we really have to kill him?

Farquad: of course we do! He's not going to surrender his throne peacefully.

King Jonah Hill: you're damn right, I'm not! (unsheathes mighty sword)

(Farquad and King Jonah Hill engage in a sword fight that should fill up about 15 minutes of movie run time. Shrek stands and watches, all the while having a moral conflict between whether he should kill his friend King Jonah Hill or not. Suddenly, Shrek gets grabbed by the neck and looks back to find it is the Hooded Slave holding a shotgun to Shrek's head.)

Hooded Slave: (to Farquad) stop! Now!

Farquad: (stops fighting King Jonah Hill) no, don't kill him. I need him. He's…(smiles at Shrek) my friend

Shrek: (smiles back)

King Jonah Hill: What the FUCK?! Are you serious, bros?! Like dude, shit! You guys are supposed to hate each other! How the hell did this happen?!

Shrek: well, your highness. It's a funny story hehe.

King Jonah Hill: I demand that the two of you leave. NOW!

Unknown Voice from ceiling: they're not going anywhere.

(All look up towards the ceiling to find Puss in Boots dropping from it, sword drawn, and landing on the head of Hooded Slave. Puss in Boots cuts the throat of Hooded Slave wide upon and lets the blood splash all over his face. He does all of this while smiling. He then jumps from the Hooded Slave and does a backflip, landing in front of Shrek. He removes his fancy hat and takes a bow.)

Shrek: Puss!

Puss in Boots: (still bowing) at your, service, my friend. (stands up and puts hat back on)

Shrek: how did you know about all of this?

Puss in Boots: (shrugs)

King Jonah Hill: NO! I have had enough of this! RRRAAAHHHH!

(King Jonah Hill slices off Puss's head with his sword. Puss's body walks around for a bit but then falls to the ground. This is where the most blood in the movie should come in. Just for emphasis.)

Shrek: NOOOOOOO!

Shrek runs up to King Jonah Hill and rips the sword from his hands. Shrek stabs King Jonah Hill in the stomach and runs him into a nearby wall with it. The sword lodges into the wall with Jonah Hill still on it. Shrek releases the sword, knowing that there is no more escape for Jonah Hill. With King Jonah Hill impaled on the wall, Shrek goes so close up to Jonah Hill's face that their noses touch. Shrek is breathing deeply and agrily.)

King Jonah Hill: (dying slowly) ohhhh oh shit. I'm so sorry, Shrek. I got carried away. But please. Just help me get to a hospital. We're still friends, right?

(Shrek, without saying a word in reply, grabs each of Jonah Hill's arms and rips them off, causing geysers of blood to explode out from each shoulder.)

King Jonah Hill: (Crying) AAAAHHH! Shrek, please! Stop!

Shrek: oh, you want me to stop, do ya laddie?

King Jonah Hill: (whimpering through tears) uh-huh. Please.

Shrek: (quietly) no.

(Shrek grabs Jonah Hill's tongue and rips it from his mouth. He throws it to the ground and stomps on it. Shrek then digs out Jonah Hill's eyeballs and eats them. Finally, to end this entire horror show/Jonah Hill's life, Shrek karate chops Jonah Hill's head in half. Exhausted from all of this, Shrek falls to his knees, sweaty and panting. Farquad approaches from behind Shrek and places one hand on his shoulder.)

Farquad: good job, ogre. Now hand me his crown and you can reclaim your swamp.

(Shrek grabs the blood-soaked crown from what is left of Jonah Hill's head and hands it to Farquad. As he hands it to him, we see drops of blood fall from its edges. Farquad walks over to what is now his throne with the crown in his hands and sits upon it)

Farquad: and now, Duloc's rightful king returns. (places crown on top of his head. Once on his head, we see drops of Jonah Hill's blood run down from the crown onto Farquad's face. He cracks a smile and looks at Shrek)

Shrek: what?

Farquad: leave.

Shrek: what? But…what about my swamp?

Farquad: fuck your swamp.

(Shrek charges at Farquad and knocks over the throne, sending Farquad to the floor. Shrek picks him up and throws Farquad through the brick wall of the throne room. Farquad's lifeless body falls to the ground but doesn't actually reach it as it gets impaled upon the spikes of the outer wall.)

Shrek: (Looking down upon Farquad's body from the hole in the wall) awesome.

(Switch scene to Dreck eating rat stew while watching his TV)

Dreck: hmm let's see what my brother's been up to…

(Dreck switches channels to one that shows footage of the Shrek family in their condo. But one member is missing. GASP. It's Shrek!)

Dreck: hmmm where is he?

(Switch scene to Shrek back in the Duloc Castle tower.)

Shrek: seems like if you need to get a job done right, you gotta do it yourself. I have to…..kill…my brother. It's the only way. (looks toward Mirror) Mirror Mirror on the Wall, initiate Skype.

Mirror: as you wish, Shrek. (opens up Skype window)

(Shrek looks through his Skype contacts and finds Fiona. He presses "call" button. Fiona answers)

Fiona: Shrek? What's wrong?

Shrek: nothing. It's just that…well…we killed Jonah Hill but…Farquad didn't give us our swamp back. I have to go to kill Dreck and reclaim it myself.

Fiona: Shrek, you know you can't beat him. He's too powerful.

Shrek: I have to try, Fiona. For us.

Fiona: there's not even going to be an "us" if you do this, Shrek. We can make this condo thing work. In fact, just the other day, Shrek Jr. was saying he loves his new home.

Shrek: he doesn't know shit though! You don't understand, Fiona. That swamp was mine. That was my swamp. It was the only real home I ever had. It's what led me…to you (smiles)

Fiona: oh Shrek. Just promise you'll make it back alright.

Shrek: I promise. I have a foolproof plan.

Fiona: Shrek…..I….I love you.

(this is the first time Shrek has heard this in years. Shrek starts tearing up)

Shrek: I…I love you too, Fiona.

(Mirror on the Wall dies, thus turning off the screen. But yea he's dead now. Old age. He had alzheimer's in case you forgot. I can't stress this enough)

(Switch scene to Dreck sitting in front of his TV still flipping through different TV channels trying to find where Shrek is)

Dreck: where in the world is this fucker?

(Just then a thump is heard on the roof of the house. Dreck immediately knows what made the noise. Or rather, WHO made it. Dreck looks up and smiles)

Dreck: hmmm seems like brother has more fight in him than I thought

(Dreck climbs onto the top of his roof and finds Shrek standing there, arms folded, already waiting for him.)

Shrek: I want my swamp back.

Dreck: Brother, we've been over this. There is no way you are getting my swamp back until I either sell it, or I die. Now let's explore those options, shall we? I'm certainly not selling this swamp anytime soon. But you knew that. What you might not have known is that, when it comes to death, it's not an option for me. You see, Shrek, I am immortal.

Shrek: (worried) wait…what?

Dreck: oh yes, Brother. I can't die. But you're more than welcome to try and test that theory if you wish. I should warn you tho. It won't end well for you, Shrek.

Shrek: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME BACK MY SWAAAAAAAMP!

(Shrek charges at Dreck and punches him. Dreck stumbles back a bit closer towards the edge of the roof. Shrek runs up to Dreck and tackles him off the roof. They crash against the ground. Shrek pins Dreck underneath him and raises his fist. Before Shrek can swing, Dreck begins punching Shrek across the jaw and headbutts Shrek off of him. Shrek flies into the air from the force of the headbutt and lands 20 feet away. Before he can back up on his feet, Dreck stands over Shrek with an ax. He swings at Shrek's head but Shrek rolls to his right and the ax blade grazes Shrek's cheek, leaving a bloody scar. Shrek stops rolling and looks up at Dreck. Dreck smiles, winds up, and kicks Shrek underneath his jaw. This launches Shrek high into the air. Dreck flies after him and grabs Shrek. Dreck continues to fly higher and higher with Shrek in his grip.)

Shrek: (squirming around trying to break free) RAH! Let me go!

Dreck: (smiles) as you wish, Brother!

(At this point, Dreck had flown into space. Shrek begins falling back towards Earth. Shrek screams in horror the entire way down. Dreck soon starts flying alongside Shrek as he descends toward obliteration)

Dreck: just say the word, brother. I'll catch you and you can go back to your family and see Fiona. The kids. Donkey.

Shrek: DONKEY?! You cheated me, Dreck! That was NOT Donkey! That was some fucker in a Donkey suit!

Dreck: haha oh yeah. Seth owed me a favor.

Shrek: you piece of shit! (Grabs onto one of Dreck's legs. Shrek bites it like a chicken wing.)

Dreck: AHHH!

(Dreck begins kicking wildly. As he does this, the two ogres begin spinning towards Earth. Shrek finally bites so deep into Dreck's leg that he bites it clean off.)

Dreck: Fuck! (looks towards Earth and notices how close they are to hitting. Begins flying up again.)

Shrek: oh no you don't! (punches Dreck in the balls)

(Dreck curls up in pain and the two crash into a desert in a massive crater. Shrek is the first to emerge from the crater. Dreck's blue hand reaches up and grabs Shrek by the ankle, pulling him back into the crater. Dreck, now only with one leg must battle from a crawling-like position. He pulls Shrek down into the crater and begins hitting him harder and harder with each blow. With each hit, the crater becomes deeper and deeper.)

Shrek: STOP!

(Shrek grabs one of Dreck's fists and holds onto it. Then, using his other hand, Shrek punches Dreck as hard as he can. This causes Dreck to fly out of the crater and separates his arm from his body. Dreck lands hard on the outside of it. Dreck now only has one arm and one leg so he cannot get up or move. Shrek rushes up to him still holding Dreck's arm. Before Shrek can continue wrecking everything, Dreck breathes fire all over Shrek. Shrek falls to the ground, burning alive.)

Shrek: NO! AHHHHH!

Dreck: it's over, Shrek. You can't win this. Neither of us can.

Shrek: no…I can win this.

(Shrek slowly rises to his feet but he is entirely engulfed in flames. It looks so fucking badass. As he does this, "March of the Fire Ants" by Mastodon begins to play. Shrek approaches Dreck during all of this in slow-motion.)

Dreck: dear god. You….you're incredible (tear falls down his face in awe)

Fire God Shrek: I know.

(Shrek raises both fists above his head. He slams them down hard but we cut away a split-second before they make full contact into an aerial view of the desert. A nuclear explosion appears. Everything is obliterated. We zoom out further to an outer space view of Earth. An entire piece of it is seen crumbling away from the blast. Shrek just reshaped the Earth. Dreck is dead. Turns out he wasn't immortal after all)

(Switch scene to Fiona playing a board game with the Shrek Jr Squad. It's Monopoly. None of the kids know how money works though so it's not very fun. Enter Shrek. He is not in flames anymore but he is covered in ash.)

Fiona: SHREK?! OH MY GOD! (runs up and hugs him)

Shrek: I did it, Fiona. We can go home now.

Shrek Jr Squad: daddy!

Shrek: …..

(All of the Shrek family members roll out of their condo and head to the swamp. Shrek is the last to leave. He stops and takes one last look around the condo and smiles)

Shrek: thank you for keeping them safe for me. (closes door behind him as he leaves)

(Switch scene to Shrek family entering their condo. It is filled with Dreck paraphernalia and everything looks dark, scary, and gothic.)

Shrek: well, he may have been tough as a fighter but he was an insane pussy at decorating

(Entire family laughs together. Seth Rogen enters from the bathroom. He is now fully clothed in a suit for the first time in the movie.)

Shrek: what are you doing here?

Seth Rogen: Shrek, listen. Everything that happened…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have cosplayed as Donkey for so long. Dreck made me do it. I owed him one. You see, Dreck and I used to be roommates in college. He kept making me do his homework for him because he would kill me if I said no. Eventually, I got sick of it and stopped doing it. He failed all his classes and was kicked out of college for never showing up on top of all of that. He tried to hunt me down but I had escaped. Then one day, he found me and I begged him to spare me. He said he would spare my life if I did this one thing for him. And that's when he formed his plan to take over the swamp. It wouldn't have worked without me. I just wanted to live. Once again, I'm sorry, Shrek. Oh god, I'll do anything to make it up to you.

Shrek: well, there is one thing you can do…

(Cut scene to Seth Rogen at the microphone singing "I'm a Believer" as all the remaining characters in the film dance around and sing as well. When Seth reaches the last chorus, Shrek feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find…DONKEY! The real one!)

Shrek: what?!

Donkey: I'm back!

Shrek: how?!

Donkey: well, when you punched a hole in Heaven to get back into your body, I followed after you. Looks like Shrek and Donkey are back in business!

Shrek: haha we sure are buddy!

(Entire Shrek family and Seth Rogen hug Donkey. Donkey blushes)

Voice from behind the group hug: excuse me? Is there a Mr. Shrek here?

(Entire group turns around to see Jon Taffer, standing there wide-eyed.)

Shrek: (walks up to Taffer) uhh yea. I'm Shrek. Why?

Jon Taffer: Well, it's just that during your little song-and-dance number, my team and I decided to remodel your swamp house and get rid of Dreck's bullshit. Are you ready to check it out?

Group: YEAH!

Taffer: ok turn around in one, two, THREE!

(Group turns around to see the house. They all scream happily and clap excitedly. Shrek puts his arms around Fiona and Seth Rogen and smiles at the house. It's more beautiful than ever. It's home. Cut to black.)

(Open on a new scene of Shrek sitting on his couch in front of his TV, watching the game with Seth Rogen, who sits on a nearby chair. Fiona enters with a plate of snacks and kisses Shrek. They smile at each other and Fiona sits down next to Shrek on the couch.)

Seth Rogen: so I was just thinking about this…(points at Shrek) you killed King Jonah Hill so that Farquad could be king of Duloc…but then you killed Farquad.

Shrek: yea? What's your point?

Seth Rogen: well…wouldn't that make you…..King of Duloc?

(Shrek looks at Fiona and then at the screen with a look of pure confusion. Zoom in on Shrek's face as close as possible. Credits roll)