Donald Trump has many legacies: failed businesses, garish behavior, the fecalization of our democratic system, the list goes on. But one of his key accomplishments in life is his rich history of garish family portraiture. Whether they involve Chinatown-ishly staged adoration by his daughter or a Nero-like tableau of excess , there's always something to haunt your dreams. We thought we knew all the greatest hits by now, but SPY recently discovered a long-lost Trump photo, and you're going to want to cancel all appointments to study this. Seemingly intended to work as either erotica or Trump's business card, the undated and uncredited photo features Trump dominating his then-wife Marla Maples, which would place it in the early 1990s. There is so much to process in this photo that it's too overwhelming to take it in all at once and may induce seizures. Let us take you on a more controlled tour of its many points of interest.

1. That Smirk

Anybody who's made eye contact with a smug frat boy who just dipped his genitals into an unsuspecting partygoer's drink knows this look: It says, "There's pretty much nothing I can't get away with, and you can bet your ass I've tested that theory."

2. The Hover

His slight forward pitch moves him from "standing" to "looming." Only a man who believes in his own immensely bold stature would insist on hovering over his recently betrothed loved-one like a Boeing V-22 Osprey waiting to lay waste to its intended target.

3. The Eyes

It's safe to assume that Mrs. Trumples wasn't caught blinking, but rather was purposefully closing her eyes in a silent prayer that it would all be over soon.

4. The Grapes

Either Donald has giant hands or those are tiny grapes, which means those are tiny grapes. But regardless of their size, it's still way too many grapes to dunk into another human being's mouth at one time: There's a fine line between "erotically feeding your wife" and "forcing her into a Guinness Book of World Records attempt." That said, given the unfortunate midsection-height location of her mouth, she undoubtedly realizes that even a life-threatening amount of fruit is her best available option in the moment.

5. The Other Grapes

To the untrained eye, this is little more than a forgotten surplus of grapes. But to the constantly leering eyes of Donald Trump, it's an open invitation to any other woman ("over an 8" of course) willing to to join this horrendous and unsettling grape party. There will be no takers.

6. The Grip

Is he tenderly holding his wife's hand or twisting her arm like a movie bully forcing his victim to the ground in pain to humiliate him in front of everyone in the high school cafeteria? It's disturbingly hard to say.

7. The Apples

What's with all the apples strewn on the floor? It could be some sort of tortured Garden-of-Eden metaphor for sin, or a nod to his hometown, the "Big Apple." More likely it's just that a bowl of them was placed on the craft service table and Trump angrily swept it over, yelling, "You call this a snack? I can't put ranch dressing on this! If you think I'm paying for your little fruit failure, you are wrong."

8. The Rug

No, not his hair. Rather, the ghastly oriental rug that hangs on the wall behind them, seemingly woven from clippings of The Donald's very own silken locks. Perhaps its busy pattern was meant to distract from every other highly jarring image in this photograph, in which case: mission un-accomplished.

9. The Other Rug

Again, not the one you're thinking of. This time it's the one on the ground, littered with fruit and bunched up as if a pack of St. Bernard puppies just got done playing on it during their own, far cuter photo shoot . And this rug has been dumped down on top of another rug, as if Trump demanded at least two layers of protection between the bottom of his shoes and the bare, plebeian floor.

10. The Tulips

The color-clashing flower arrangement heavily features tulips, which means the photographer's unfortunate crew probably had to repeatedly force laughter every time Trump cracked, "I like to have 'tulips' near me at all times, isn't that right, Marla?"

11. That Weird Shadow