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The Right-Wing Christian Dictionary (Internet Flotsam) Are you confused by the strange glossary of terms used by politically active right-wing Christians and organizations like Focus on the Family, the American Family Association, the Catholic Campaign for America, the Eagle Forum, Women Affirming Life, and the Christian Coalition? Wonder no more! Abraham Lincoln Was a Republican when the party began 140 years ago, so he can be forgiven for freeing the slaves and suppressing the right of individual states to pass conservative laws without interference from Washington. Note: this definition of "states' rights" does not apply if said states pass liberal laws. ACLU Evil, because they defend parts of the Bill of Rights. See "NRA." Activist Anyone you disagree with. Thus, "activist" judges, "activist" unions, "activist" school boards, and "activist" homosexuals. Adam and Steve As in, "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." A clever saying you can use whenever you want to prove how brilliant and original you are. Agenda All political objectives you oppose. Democrats, liberals, feminists, environmentalists, and gays have "agendas." Right-wing politicians have "hopes" and "dreams" and "godly plans of action." Avoiding difficult questions There are a number of techniques to help right-wing fundamentalists avoid difficult questions (like, if the Bible is inerrant, why does Leviticus 11:6 claim that hares chew their cuds like cows? What about the hilarious scene in Exodus 17:8-11?). These include: Repeat your original answer/argument using different language. Example: "If you don't agree with me, you're going to Hell." "Please explain why you say that." "People who don't believe in literal Biblical inerrancy are destined for eternal damnation."

Use loaded language. Example: He's not an abortionist, he's a "baby-murderer."

Rely exclusively on certain verses of the Bible, while ignoring any verses that contradict your position. For example, Leviticus 20:13 says that male homosexuality is an abomination unto the Lord and a capital offense. Leviticus 19:19 forbids cross-breeding, acne pimples, and wearing cotton-polyester blends (or any other kind of fabric blends).

Make use of sweeping generalizations, particularly about the character and eventual destination of anyone who disagrees with you.

Resort to ad-hominem attacks. If someone questions your logic, he is a godless liberal atheist who is destined for eternal damnation.

If the facts are against you, quote Scripture. If Scripture is against you, it is being misinterpreted by your opponent, who is deceived (q.v.). If both facts and Scripture are against you, shout and pound on the table. (This technique was invented by lawyers.)

Change the subject. For example, someone says, "How can you say that Jesus is in favor of preemptive war? Didn't he go to his death rather than cause harm to any other human being?" Reply, "The Book of Revelation talks about—"

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. If some fact might embarrass you, never reveal it. If someone else does, suppress it, deny it, or mock it. This is the Bush administration's standard approach to science, particularly global warming.

Become incredulous and indignant (the "how dare you?" gambit). Example: "How dare you suggest that innocent civilians incarcerated at abu Ghraib were tortured! You are dishonoring our fine military. You should be ashamed of yourself." This tactic worked so well on Congressman Dick Durban (who suggested that the many verified reports of torture and abuse in Iraq, Afghanistan, and abu Ghraib sounded like something out of Nazi Germany rather than the United States) that he actually ended up apologizing for offending our fine military.

Denounce any fact that contradicts your position as a scurrilous rumor or a wild accusation.

Use a straw man. Find or create a piece of your opponent's argument that you can easily knock down to make yourself look good and the opponent to look bad. Example: "People who believe in the theory of evolution believe that God does not exist, and therefore did not create the Universe, natural selection, or anything else."

Resort to name-calling and ridicule. Anyone who opposes you is by definition a godless Commie liberal homosexual-loving bigot destined for eternal damnation.

Hit and run. Responding to an opponent's questions and criticisms merely dignifies his/her position.

Question the other person's motives. Twist or amplify any fact to make it appear that your opponent is biased, out only to fulfill his/her personal agenda. Force your opponent onto the defensive. "I guess you just hate Jesus, don't you?"

Invoke authority. If you can't come up with support from the Bible for your position, surely some fundamentalist "scholar" has written something. "He's the dean of the Closed Minds School of Theology, obviously he knows more than you do about the subject."

Play dumb. Whatever your opponent says, reply, "You're not making the slightest bit of sense. You have no idea what logic is. You don't have any facts to support you."

Associate your opponent's charges with old news. (This is a variation on the straw man argument.) For example, if someone asks whether Jesus would approve of torturing someone to compel him to tell you what you want to hear, say, "That's ancient history, and anyway, all the torture was carried out by privates and corporals."

Take the "high road." Confess that you made some minor mistake but that your opponent is blowing it out of all proportion, charging you with much worse mistakes or crimes that are simply not true. Example: "So I slipped in calling a first-month miscarriage a 'baby-killing.'" Remember, it's all about your opponent's weaknesses.

Paint the entire affair as too complex to understand. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways."

Reason backwards. "If there were any evidence that George W. Bush wanted to go to Iraq so he could finish the job his father started, only more successfully, the media would have uncovered it. Therefore, he wanted to go to Iraq because Saddam was behind 9/11, just as Bush said he was."

Demand that your opponent provide a complete solution to your problem. Example: "Since you know so much, prove to me how an irreducibly complex system like a human being could 'just happen.'"

problem. Example: "Since you know so much, prove to me how an irreducibly complex system like a human being could 'just happen.'" Fit the facts to your conclusion. "I am a physician, and I spent about half an hour looking at a several-years-old, heavily doctored videotape of the patient. She is not in a persistent vegetative state" — as subsequent facts proved — "so people who want to fulfill her wishes and allow her to die with dignity are murderers."

Change the subject. "All this business about the book of Revelation having been written as anti-Nero propaganda is nonsense. The Messiah would never stoop to propaganda. The Messiah—"

Emotionalize, antagonize, and goad your opponents. Make it all about them, the godless queer-loving commie bigots.

Demand proof from your opponent, preferably proof that is impossible to come by. "You say that most of the book of Genesis was put into writing around 925-910 BCE, by someone who hero-worshiped King David? What fundamentalist Bible college teaches that? Show me your archeological evidence."

Use false evidence. Quote from the book of Dalmatians or the book of Amphibians, for example. The chances are excellent that the person you're talking to can't tell the difference between Abraham and Moses anyway.

Manufacture a new truth. If you can't come up with any facts to support your position, appeal to fundamentalist religious authorities, authors, or leaders, or invent new ones.

Create a distraction. Example: If someone says, "I believe that God created the Universe, including natural selection," say, "There is nothing in the Bible to support your position." Bible-based Anything in the Bible you agree with. (Anything that contradicts your beliefs, like Jesus's command to love your enemies, should be ignored.) Big government Federal social programs that attempt to construct a more rational, fairer society. Proper government consists of wastefully spending billions upon billons of tax dollars on inefficient and otherwise prohibitively costly defense contracts, subsidies, and tax breaks for corporations, and "The War on Drugs." Born again Anyone who has experienced a personal spiritual awakening that results in his (or sometimes her) agreement with your ideas and values. Otherwise see "cult." Term can never be applied to homosexuals. Boycott God's preferred method of social change. If the targeted organization capitulates to a boycott, it is proof of "the power of God to change hearts." However, if a boycott is unsuccessful, it proves the organization being boycotted is "hardened" and "in the grip of the Devil." Broken families Refers only to divorce and applies to ALL divorces. Families are never "broken" or "shattered" by bad marriages, domestic violence, child abuse, incest, or molestation. Bureaucrat A Democrat working for the government. A "public servant" is a Republican working for the government. Career The greatest deception ever perpetrated upon women by "radical feminists" and one of the primary causes for The Breakdown Of The Family. Careers for women are "destructive" and "unfulfilling" compared to full-time child-rearing and home-schooling. Women who attempt to balance family and their own dreams are seen as "shirking their God-given responsibility" and are responsible for creating another "generation without values." Christian Anyone who is a member of a right-wing Christian organization, such as the Christian Coalition. Ant., "Godless atheist," q.v. Christianity Conservative biblical literality. See "cult." Civil rights The concept of equal legal rights; applies to everyone except gay and lesbian Americans, for whom equal rights become "special" rights (q.v.). Compassion The feeling you say you are expressing when you attack people you hate (especially homosexuals), so that you don't have to feel guilty. See "gay bashing," "death penalty." Conservative See "God." Criminal Someone who breaks the law  unless the law has anything to do with guns, selling arms to Iran, or refusing to pay taxes, in which case he is a "victim of society" (q.v.). Criminal rights Should be ignored unless said criminal is a member of a wacko religious cult or is a firearms dealer. Cult Any religious organization that does not practice conservative biblical literalism, e.g., the Society of Friends, the Episcopal Church. Death penalty A form of punishment not used often enough. Most right-wing Christians long for the day when this is implemented against gays and lesbians. (See "Compassion.") The only time the death penalty is not considered "God's mighty judgment" is when a death row inmate has become a born-again Christian. Then, the death penalty is "unnecessary" and seen as an "impediment to further ministry" by the inmate slated for execution. Deception Term describing the state of being a fellow Christian is in if he disagrees with you on a social or theological issue. For example, if another Christian holds views that are pro-choice, pro-gay rights, or anti-death penalty, then she/he is "deceived." If the same Christian makes a logical, reasoned argument for his position, then he is "misled." If the same Christian also makes a Scriptural argument for their position, then they are "false teachers," "rebellious," and guilty of "twisting the Word." See "Liberal." Disney The main force behind The Collapse of Traditional Moral Values, and one of society's greatest threats to The Family, second only to gays and lesbians. Responsible for creating and popularizing the idea of domestic partner benefits. Domestic partner benefits Given by most progressive businesses and large corporations years before Disney offered them. Seen as a sign of "collapsing moral values" and as one of the largest threats to The Family. Main impetus for implementing The Boycott, but only against certain companies. See "Disney." Domestic violence A mythical problem that does not affect The Family, does not injure or kill Christian women or children, and is never to be addressed. Dominion theology Based on the verse in Genesis in which Yahweh gives humanity (specifically, men) dominion over the Earth, Dominionism (also called reconstructionism) teaches that right-wing fundamentalist Christians must bring all societies around the world under the rule of God — that is, under the rule of their version of Christianity. Dominionists, including George W. Bush, are attempting to peacefully convert the laws of the United States so that they match the laws of the Hebrew Scriptures (which they call the Old Testament).



Once the world has willingly accepted their version of the Kingdom of God, religious freedom will not be tolerated; all religions and religious organizations that are not strict fundamentalists will be suppressed — forbidden to worship, proselytize, or even assemble. Any person who attempts to follow his or her non-Dominionist beliefs outside the confines of his/her home will be tried for idolatry and executed. Blasphemy, adultery, and homosexuality will also be capital offenses. Specifically, Reconstructionists: Reject antinomianism; that is, they believe that faith alone will not bring about salvation, but must be accompanied by good works and living a right-wing fundamentalist lifestyle;

Accept that every word of the Bible is literally factual (even the songs, poetry, and fables);

Worship the Bible as being as inerrant as God is;

Believe that Christ will not return to Earth until most of the Earth practices Dominionism;

Interpret the 613 laws of the Mosaic Code as being either ceremonial or moral (the high priest doesn't have to wear bells on his clothing, but homosexuals and adulterous women (not men) must be stoned to death);

Accept that God cannot change (despite all the Bible verses saying otherwise) and therefore God's laws cannot change, except maybe the ones about burying one's feces (Deut. 23:13) or building one's (adobe) house;

Hold the laws of the Hebrew Scriptures has having primacy over the laws of the Christian Testament, except in those cases where the Dominionists prefer the latter;

Criminalize all modern behavior that does not match Dominionist morality;

Ban all marriages that are not of a Dominionist man to a Dominionist women (e.g., interfaith, interracial, or same-sex marriage);

Regard all non-Dominionist theology as being "of the Devil" (prominent Dominionist theologian David Chilton wrote, "the god of Judaism is the devil"). Dominionism is no joke. For example, the Air Force Academy is located in Colorado Springs, which is to Dominionist theology as Rome is to Roman Catholicism and Salt Lake City is to Mormonism (both heresies that are to be ruthlessly excised). The Air Force Academy is, at least early in 2005, actively promoting Dominionist theology and actively harassing (or worse) any students who reject it. And George W. Bush (or, very occasionally, a proxy) meets every Monday morning with at least one Dominionist minister. Elites Hollywood; anyone working to promote social change. Just plain folks: corporations, Wall Street. The needy: Anyone who makes more than $500,000 a year. The poor: Not out of sight, out of mind, but rather, out of sight, nonexistent. Evolution A kooky cult started by Charles Darwin. See intelligent design. The Family Unit of: heterosexual male head of household married for life to heterosexual female homemaker, with biological home-schooled children conceived without birth control at least nine months after marriage in conservative Bible-believing church. No exceptions. Family values Censorship and gay-bashing. Alternate definition: A mother and father who vote Republican and attend a conservative church, raising two kids who are home-schooled or who attend a private school in the suburbs. Feminist Derogatory term for women who are insufficiently feminine, i.e., passive and submissive. Responsible for: neglected children, teenage pregnancy, unemployed males, poor SAT scores, breakdown of The Family. Fundamentalism, Christian The greatest hope for the integrity of our Beloved Nation. Fundamentalism, Islamic The greatest threat to the integrity of our Beloved Nation. (Fact: Rush Limbaugh has said this many, many times.) Gay/Lesbian Homosexual is the preferred term, as it focuses more explicitly on sex. Homosexuality is a chosen lifestyle that is unnatural, hated by God; it is either a mental disorder or an addiction. It is caused either by childhood molestation or by having a feminist mother. Right-wing conservatives believe that homosexuals, along with feminists and liberals, are responsible for nearly all social ills (with the possible exception of abortion). Gay bashing Does not exist. Jesus hates all gay people as much as you do. That's why he is said to have never married and is commonly believed to have wandered the countryside in a men-only group of long-haired pacifists. God wants everyone to hate homosexuality and to urge homosexuals to get therapy to "cure" their "addiction." Gay Christians A contradiction in terms. Those who claim to exist are "trapped" in a state of Deception, and are first in line for the Lake of Fire because they "twist God's Word." To save them, right-wing Christians must exercise "compassion" and tell them that God wants to kill them. God An old white man with a long, white beard, who lives above the sky and seldom interferes with the affairs of men, much less women. Because Eve ate the fruit of the Tree of the Attractive Nuisance, and then wickedly persuaded Adam to do it too, God condemned every life form in the Universe to death and eternal agony in Hell, with the exception of those who have been "born again" at least once and who await the Rapture (q.v.). That is, God took physical form as Jesus of Nazareth so that he could suffer and die upon the Cross and thus appease his own anger against human disobedience — that is, appease himself. God's 36-hour ("three-day") death is also a payoff to Satan, whom God has insufficient power to conquer, or else it is a victory over Satan, who apparently did not want God to become human and die. See "Republican." Godless atheist Anyone who is not a member of a right-wing Christian organization; especially, anyone who is a member of the Westar Institute, the Center for Progressive Christianity, or similar godless liberal organizations. See also "Deceived." Gravity Like evolution (q.v.), a "theory" that is not supported by such Bible passages as 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17. Banned in Kansas. See also "intelligent design." Hate crimes, Christian definition Do not exist. Just another lie from "militant radical homosexual activists." Hate speech, Islamist definition According to the Council for American-Islam Relations, hate speech consists of any factual statement about Islam made by a non-Muslim, e.g., any facts concerning slavery and genocide in the Sudan. Heterosexuals Assumed to be everyone on earth, except for a tiny number of "militant radical homosexual activists." Hollywood The source of all evil in western civilization. Controlled either by Disney, feminists, liberals, and "militant radical homosexual activists," or Time/Warner when a new rap album is released. Also known as "Mystery Babylon" and "the pit of Hell." Homosexuals See gay/lesbian. Tiny minority of "militant radical activists" seeking special rights, hiring quotas, and the destruction of The Family. Recent phenomenon signalling The End Is Near. Homosexual agenda, the Gay people exercising their rights to free speech and to petition the government for redress of grievances. When right-wing Christians engage in the same activity, it is called "grassroots citizen's movement." Honor Not getting caught. "I learned my lesson." "I got away with it." Intelligent design The latest mask for creationism, "intelligent design" is a variation of teleology — that is, the idea that the Universe is so complicated that it can't have come about by accident. Therefore not only is there a God, but God wrote the Bible, which makes the Bible literally factual, the first modern science textbook as well as the first modern history textbook (predating Edward Gibbon by a mere 3,000 years!).



The principal difference between intelligent design and creationism is that creationists reject evolution because it does not fit with their eisegetical interpretation of the Bible (that is, they project their own biases into the Bible), while proponents of intelligent design reject evolution because they claim that natural selection implies that God does not exist and therefore that the Universe could not have been created — not even created to include natural selection.



Proponents of intelligent design insist that their system of suppositions ought to be taught in science classrooms as an equivalent alternative to the "theory" of evolution, despite the fact that theirs is not an empirical theory and requires blind faith rather than fact to sustain it. It claims to be a science, but has nothing but contempt for scientific method; in fact, it is a metaphysic. Jesus Christ A conservative Republican leader to whom some erroneously attribute the phrases "love thy neighbor" and "turn the other cheek." If he were alive today, he would drive an SUV (remember: conservative doesn't mean conservationist!) and support both preemptive warfare and the massive transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich. Judicial activism What liberal judges do. What conservative judges do is "sound jurisprudence." Judicial system Varying definitions. When ruling against you, the courts are a sneaky way of subverting the "will of the people." Otherwise, a perfectly acceptable way of enforcing God's Will. Leech, welfare bum/queen Any person on the government dole, EXCEPT for corporations receiving tax write-offs, ranchers and farmers receiving subsidies, and defense contractors. Liberal Anyone who shows human compassion, cares about social welfare, or reads such Commie newspapers as The Washington Post. Alternate definition: an individual, organization, or institution that is deceived. See "Deception." Libertarianism Survival of the fittest  and if you don't like it, you don't deserve to survive. Life At the moment at which a living sperm meets a living egg and forms a living blastomere, human life doesn't just begin, it becomes indistinguishable from independent human personhood, and therefore of greater value to society than its mother. A reasonable person might suppose that a human becomes a person (rather than a blastomere, embryo, or fetus) with a lot of help from first its mother and, after birth, society. In fact, it is not true that A might become B, with a lot of help; rather, A is indistinguishable from B from the moment of conception onward. (This also holds true for people in persistent vegetative states, like Terri Schiavo. To make any distinction between a person who can vote, drink alcohol, marry, and own property and a blastomere, or Terri Schiavo, is to condemn oneself to the fires of Hell for all eternity.) Materialism Does not exist; therefore, not an issue. Massive personal wealth among leaders of organizations you support (especially televangelists and friends of George W. Bush) is further evidence of God's favor. Media No such thing. Always "liberal, secular, biased media." Responsible for teenage pregnancy, abortion, illiteracy, sexual addictions, earthquakes, and the breakdown of The Family. Militant Never applied to political positions you agree with. Militant pro-lifers, militant pro-family-ists, and militant Christians are all contradictions in terms. NRA Smiled upon by God, because they defend the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights. See "ACLU." Persecution Suffered if your position on an issue is actively opposed. Examples of "persecution" include investigative journalistic reporting, any lawsuit filed against your church organization by the ACLU, or being yelled at by people whom you have harassed by fax or phone or whom you have misrepresented in your fund-raising materials. Physician Any doctor except those who perform abortions. Physicians who perform abortions are "abortionists," who are or who are in league with "baby-killers." Political correctness Left-wing lockstep groupthink conformism. Simple common sense: Right-wing lockstep groupthink conformism. Pro-family politician Any thrice-divorced, wife-beating Republican congressman late on child-support payments who is against gay marriage. Pro-life Anyone who is willing to murder adult human beings, especially doctors and women (and especially women doctors!), in order to preserve the life of a blastomere, embryo, or fetus. After children are born, and particularly after they turn 16, capital punishment is just fine. Putting wings to prayers Really means political activity, but call it this in order to retain your tax-exempt status. Radical Applied to anyone who disagrees with you. Thus, "radical" homosexuals, "radical" feminists, "radical" environmentalists. Right-wing Christians are not radical, they are "committed" and "focused." Rapture According to 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17, Paul wrote, "Jesus will personally come down from heaven with a shout, at the sound of the archangel's voice and the trumpet of God, and those who have died in Christ will rise from the grave. After that we the living, the survivors, will be caught up with them in the clouds to meet Jesus in the air — and thenceforth we will be with Jesus unceasingly." Paul was writing to a congregation of primitive Celts who were quarreling about whether dead Christians would go to Heaven.



In 1830, John Darby, a prominent member of the Plymouth Brethren, was holding a meeting at which a 15-year-old girl went into a quasi-trance and proclaimed that a select group of believers would be removed from the earth before the days of Antichrist, and that other believers would have to live through a period of tribulation on earth. Darby spread this pre-tribulation rapture teaching in Europe and later in the United States.



The Rapture theory was given an enormous boost in the United States when the 1917 Scofield Bible included footnotes about it. For right-wing fundamentalists, the only point of discussion is whether the Rapture will come pre-tribulation or post-tribulation. The fact that the Rapture is in and of itself totally against the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth is irrelevant. Reconstructionism "Every area dominated by sin" — for example, homosexuality and feminism — "must be reconstructed according to the Bible." — Andrew Saldlin. See Dominionism, for which reconstructionism is a somewhat more socially acceptable euphemism. Rehabilitation Sending a minister or priest who has been caught molesting children or teens or raping women to a different congregation or parish. Religion What should be taught in public schools instead of godless Communist science. Republican Barely distinguishable from "God," q.v. Republican party A political party that welcomes all conservatives, as long as they are pro-life, pro-gun, pro-Big Business, pro-oil, pro-war, and anti-everything else. Democratic party: Communist. Rigged election What Slobodan Milosevic tried to do in Yugoslavia in 2000. Free and fair election: What Karl Rove, Katherine Harris (Florida Secretary of State / Co-Chair of the Florida Republican campaign), and the "Should Have Recused Myself Gipper and Poppy Five" did in 2000 and Karl Rove, Kenneth Blackwell (Ohio Secretary of State / Co-Chair of the Ohio Republican campaign), and the Diebold Corporation did in 2004. Ronald Reagan The greatest president in U.S. history. Same-sex marriage An abomination unto the Lord, as are interfaith marriages and interracial marriages. (The right of free citizens of a democracy to enter into binding legal contracts is taken for granted in most of the free world.) Scholarship, science Any work such as The Bell Curve, The American Spectator, or The Limbaugh Letter; any work promoting the "theory" of intelligent design, q.v. Social engineering (syn., social experimentation) Term for the "activist agendas" of political opponents. Opposite is the "natural God-given plan," as defined only by right-wing fundamentalist Christians. "Special" rights Applied only to gay and lesbian Americans. Refers to marriage, adoption, and other rights taken for granted by heterosexuals. Subversive elements of society Bookstores, coffeehouses, art galleries, and other liberal hangouts, especially those in major cities. Supreme Court "Activist" when ruling against you. But "evidence of the mighty hand of God" when ruling in your favor or in the case of Clarence Thomas. Supreme Court appointments Varying definitions. A presidential right, if president is Republican. Called "stacking the court" if president is Democrat. Ten percent A lie about the percentage of the population that is gay or lesbian popularized by "militant radical homosexual activists," when in fact right-wing Christian organizations have "proven" the figure is closer to one percent. How one percent of the population is responsible for The Destruction Of The Family is never clearly explained. See "Avoiding Difficult Questions." Tort reform A slap on the wrist is the only acceptable punishment for illegal or unethical activities by corporations. However, the full weight of the law must be thrown at individuals who attempt to sue corporations for illegal or unethical activities. Traditional values The classic values and morals that made America great, such as lynching blacks, beating up gays, and keeping the "little woman" barefoot, pregnant, and in servitude. Transvestite A man in a dress (exception: a Scotsman in a kilt, male clergy in religious frocks). Does not apply to women, because it's acceptable now (Laura Bush does it) for women to wear slacks, jeans, and pantsuits. Unitarian See "cult." Victim of society Any conservative white male, because no one in human history has ever suffered as he is now suffering. "Will of the people" Used only when the public votes your way. Acceptable method of denying constitutional rights of minorities. Never used when public opinion is against you (i.e. abortion, doctor-assisted suicide, etc.). Wise use of limited natural resources Using it all up before the Rapture. Women See "wives," "mothers," or "homemakers." No other definition available. Youth For a Republican, any period preceding last week; for a minority, ends at age six. Youthful indiscretion: Any crime or moral failing committed by a Republican. Evil: Any crime or moral failing committed by anyone else. include "allhumorbots.php" ?>