A couple of months ago, I read the book, Mindsets, by author Carol S. Dweck.

I gave a speech about it at my Toastmaster club.

I created a YouTube video about it.

I can’t stop talking about it.

There is so much to learn from book. I have seen people say that this book has changed their life.

Especially, Chapter 7 – Parents, Teachers, and Coaches – Where do mindsets come from?

Could it be any more relevant to this website?

So I have decided to write a series of articles talking about the lessons I took away from this book.

Here goes it. Part 1.

Messages:

Every thing, that we as parents and teachers, do and say is sending a message to our kids.

Scary part is it may not be the message you intended to send.

There is two types of messages – Fixed Mindset Message and Growth Mindset Message.

Fixed Mindset Message says that you, my child, have fixed personality traits. And I am judging you based on them.

Growth Mindset Message says that you are a developing person. I will do whatever I can to help you to grow.

Messages about Success:

I said to my son, “Wow, Blippi is good at Snow boarding.”

We were both watching this video. By the way, if you don’t know Blippi, check him out on YouTube. B-L-I-P-P-I.

My son asked, “What Appa?”

This time I said “Ya, Blippi seems to good at Snow boarding. He must have had a lot of PRACTICE.”

You may ask, “What’s the big difference?”

Let’s look at a few examples.

What you say? What they hear? “You learned that so quickly. You’re so smart.” If I don’t learn something quickly, then I am not smart. “Look at that drawing, Martha. Is he the next Picasso or what?” I shouldn’t try drawing anything hard. Or they’ll see I am no Picasso. “You’re so brilliant, you got an A without even studying.” I’d better quit studying or they won’t think I am brilliant. “Wow, Blippi is so good at Snow boarding.” Blippi is naturally good at Snow boarding. May be I am not.

You can see the above choices on the right cannot be good for them.

You might say, “You’re just over-analyzing this.”

Fair point.

But the author, Carol S Dweck, got you covered.

Carol selected hundreds of students and ran over half a dozen experiments, where they studied how such messages impacted students’ motivation.

Result: Praising on children’s talent and intelligence negatively impacts their motivation and performance.

Why do we do it?

Okay, seriously, what’s wrong with praising a child?

Your child does something good. Then you praise the child (their intelligence mostly). They love it. They smile. That’s worth every bit. Isn’t it?

The problem occurs when your child starts associating success to their intelligence and performance.

FAILURES AND SETBACKS DO NOT MEAN YOU’RE NOT SMART. THEY ARE JUST OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW.

This fact is what exactly your child doesn’t understand and internalize when he or she is praised for intelligence when they succeed.

My self-esteem took a huge blow after I scored only above-average marks in my high school examinations. Only later, when I performed well at my graduate school, I recovered it again.

I am a product of fixed mindset. The people who surrounded me always praised only the people who scored well in the exams. Only the children who made the headlines in the News were appreciated. This made me doubt my intelligence for a long time.

Looking at where I am now, I have done quite well for myself. Not only me, the person who came first, the person who came last, the person who did okay – We are all okay now.

The only question that matters is, “Am I getting better at something or not?”

To summarize, it is important for us to realize that praising our children about their intelligence and talent only gives them a temporary boost of motivation and affects their life negatively. When they run into set backs or even expect to run into such situations, they will hold back instead of seeing them as opportunities to learn and grow. This is one of the key lessons I took away from the book – Mindsets.

Tell me about the last time you encouraged your child to take on a challenge.

I’d love to know your comments. I’ll read and respond to each.