THE 2012 Olympics have been declared a resounding success as the first busload of undesirables was banished from East London.

Organisers said the event was at least four months ahead of schedule in making the east of the city as unaffordable as the west to people who are either unemployed or have a proper, actual job.

In preparation for the post-Olympic influx of six-figure bullshit consultants, Newham Council has now begun herding its substandard social housing tenants into sorting pens before despatching them to a corner of the UK more suited to their third-rate bone structure and beastly televisual inclinations.

Sebastian Coe, Lord of the Olympics, said: “The cleansing has begun, even before the first javelin has been javelled.

“I would like to award Newham Council a gold medal. They are the Fatima Whitbread of enforced gentrification.”

London mayor Boris Johnson added: “We can either have a city wiped clean of low-income troglodytes or we can spend millions encircling London’s hard-working neighbourhoods with 14ft high security fences.

“This will not destroy the social fabric of the east end it will just make it the sort of social fabric one could imagine sharing witty remarks with at a summer drinks party.”

Meanwhile, the first consignment of untermenschen stumbled from their bus, blinking and confused, to be faced with the harsh reality of Stoke-on-Trent.

Emma Bradford, a single mother of two, said: “Fuck.”