WASHINGTON – Noting his “impeccable record for conservative values, his love for our country, and his bitchin’ guitar riffs,” President Trump has announced that he is nominating singer-songwriter Ted Nugent to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court left behind by Justice Anthony Kennedy.

“Frankly, we have so much in common,” the President said. “We both dodged the draft, but at least I didn’t shit my pants to get out of it!”* The President also commented on their mutual love of underage women,* their mutual love of conservative family values (Nugent has been married twice and has had nine children with seven women, some of which were put up for adoption immediately after their births, not that there’s anything wrong with that but c’mon the hypocrisy), and their mutual inability to reach beyond a fourth grade reading level.

Nugent, who had previously predicted that the Supreme Court would be responsible for the end of our Nation as we know it, was beyond ecstatic to be nominated to the Court.

“I’m not gonna lie, I thought that to be on the judicial branch meant you had to be Jewish, which in my defense makes sense given the Jewish-Lawyer thing and the leftie bullcrap the Supreme Court puts out,” said the man who will soon have the authority to overturn cases like Roe v. Wade. “But who gives a hoot, I’m honored to be the first white Christian male nominated to the bench!”

All this is unsurprising, given how leaked White House tapes confirm that President Trump only nominated Nugent out of fear that Nugent would run for office in 2020, and that nominating him to Supreme Court was a “way to get this political mastermind out of the picture.”

*Editor’s Note: Ted Nugent actually did crystalized methamphetamines and defecated himself to avoid the draft. This is not satire.

*Editor’s Note: Each of those words is a separate link. We encourage you to, cautiously, click each one for non-satirical and factual statements made by both President Trump and Ted Nugent regarding their affinity for such sexual encounters.