Who we are is never, ever a one-dimensional painting.

It is a sculpture, kinetic, a maze, a faceted crystal, a subterranean cavern, an oceanic abyss, a windswept plateau, all of these things.

Having a dawning realization that you might resonate with something about BDSM, whether it not it is something as simple as fascination with the lines of a corset or the sensation of helplessness doesn’t necessarily relegate yourself to the realm of porn-addicted drooling cackling pervert.

It takes WORK to achieve that level of depravity!

I understand the concern that this might be a slippery slope for some. That your desire to submit to or your need to overpower someone will eventually overpower or sublimate your sense of self.

It doesn’t have to. It really only has to be that if that is what you chose.

Most people do not talk about their sexual habits in public. Many do not because they feel it is “personal” which I understand, and celebrate. Some do not because they feel it is “shameful,” which I understand but think is more the pity. Some people DO discuss their intimate issues, because they wish to celebrate that part of themselves. It is a matter of choice and circumstance.

Obviously I am very open about who I am within and without the BDSM community. I am very transparent about my selves as performer, writer, actor, teacher, presenter, pervert. But I do it because it challenges me every day, and because I feel compelled to, and because, dammit, someone SHOULD be out there, so that other people can feel less alone and adrift. If my sharing about my darkest kink can lead someone to think “Hey, I feel that way too, and I’m OK.” Then I am satisfied.

SO..now you are learning about yourself that you might have desires that take you in to a lovely sexual meandering oxbow on the river of life. It is my prayer that this is something from which you draw strength. Not shame. Not horror. Not repulsion. But joy, excitement, pleasure.

You don’t even have to be all of one thing all of the time. What you and your partner choose to do is your choice. You don’t have to formalize it with contracts and you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on airfare and stilettos and floggers to go party in a ballroom full of swinging bodies and cracking whips.

Just be YOU.

For every pervert on (bondage/ALT/ collarme/fetlife).com and the rest, there are thousands of people who just happen to find themselves behaving very obediently towards their partners. Millions of people who orgasm just a little bit harder when their partner bites them during sex.

Remember, NOT EVERYONE IS AN EXHBITIONIST! If you do NOT have joy added to your play by the presence of other people watching or playing along side you, then of COURSE you wouldn’t want to participate publicly! The public scene is built around exhibitionists.

You don’t have to immerse yourself in that. You can be shy, remain private, and be kinky.

You can simply investigate, learn, level-set, and take your newfound sexuality back to your own private Idaho.

If privacy and intimacy is what you need, what you crave, believe me when I say you can find that. I have had it. I’ve had relationships…good ones…with people who didn’t identify with the public BDSM community at all. The first encounter I had with someone who made me questions my sexuality had nothing to do with dungeons and dominance. And my last solid relationship was with a guy who wanted nothing to do with the BDSM community, but felt at ease with me serving him, and would do things to me in the privacy of our bedroom that, to this day, constitute some of the hottest memories I hold.

You don’t have to walk in my shoes to be the type of kinky human you want to be. Just be you. And your counterpart will open up to you in the same way you open up to them.