The first thing that I opened actually had me feeling a little disappointed, partially because I didn't realize until later that there was a second part. It was just a Frozen poster, the same kind that you would get from the big box-o-posters at Walmart. It seemed like my secret santa had just picked something I said I liked and sent me a poster of it.

I went from disappointed to confused and intrigued when I opened the second box and found three plastic eggs inside. The labels/wrappers were covered with minimalist patterns, the warnings or whatever on the back were in Japanese, and apparently the name of the product was "EGG."

I didn't want to peel off the nice label just yet, so I studied these damn things for a couple minutes trying to figure out just what the hell I was looking at. I saw the tiny words "easy ona-cap" and "New Adult Concept," but quickly told myself, no, it couldn't be that.

Because I was in such deep denial, I still didn't get it when I removed the shell from the squishy, hollow, silicone egg. It was snugly wrapped around a plastic cylinder, so I opened that, expecting some kind of prize that would explain this whole mysterious affair. Instead, I found a small foil packet of some slightly viscous liquid. So then I finally understood the nature of the Japanese consumer item I was holding in my hand.

I spent a few minutes wondering why someone would send me a three-pack of pocket vaginas before I realized the connection between the eggs and the poster.

I suppose this is my own fault for saying on my description that I spend most of my time nowadays "playing League and fapping to Elsa." To my secret santa: You have a wicked sense of humor, and I hope you had an absolutely wonderful Christmas, you brilliant son of a bitch.