So for a while I’ve been a lurker on r/homebrewing and anyone who knew me back in high school could tell you I had an affinity for hard sciences like chemistry. You put those two things together and you get an idiot who thinks he can make his own hooch.

Well, hopefully the tomes of history will look back on my ventures into the land of homebrewing kindly. If they do not, however, I would like to have the first word and decided to document my process for, um, science… or something…

The day started off -well- okay. Fact of the matter is I had a little too much fun the night before and was -well- hungover (I thought the entire event to be quite ironic, all things being considered). But the mere facts that my head was pounding, mouth was dry and I damn near needed sunglasses to stand in the sunny kitchen of my parent’s house was not going to stop me from this momentous occasion. So I tried to wake my Assistant Brewmeister, but to no avail.

I acquired a kit from an online beermonger called Northern Brewer.

I laid out all my accoutrements and made sure all utensils were at the ready. Brew kettle? Check. Fermenter cleaned? Check. Grains? Check. I felt like a captain diligently inspecting his vessel for departure to adventures unknown (…or something like that…).

I popped the DVD into the drive and followed the included video directions from a guy who looked surprisingly like a bald Napoleon Dynamite’s brother.

However, being an inexperienced brewer, I could not deny his brewing prowess and decided to press on…

…Until…

The thinness of my blood and fact that I have an (embarrassing) history of epic nosebleeds all caught up to me.

The shameful results were documented for your approval (I guess…). I cleaned up and continued with the additional achievement of naming the beer-in-progress.

Monday Bloody Monday seemed an appropriate name (and I have always considered myself a name idea person) so I steeped my grains.

It was shortly after that my Asst Brwmstr was liberated from the bowels of slumber.

To be honest, I found the entire process of brewing to be rather high stress even though relatively benign events are peppered between long intervals of doing nothing but waiting. Waiting for your water to heat (don’t get it above 170 or the tannins in the grain husks will leach!!). Waiting for thirty minutes after the wort boils for hop additions (don’t just let it stick to the side of the pot, STIR DAMMIT!!). Waiting for the wort to cool (is the pot covered? IS IT COVERED?!!?).

And that doesn’t even begin to match the additional stressor of sanitizing. Every video I watched about brewing filled me with a fear of the most minute particles floating in the air around me. I was afraid to touch my own skin out of the possibility that those cells could, in fact, be the contaminants that led to an infestation in my tasty concoction. And there was no f’ing way I was going to let that happen. I’ve already bled because of this thing already and I’ll be damned if I don’t taste sweet nectar. So I started the sanitation process early and let everything soak for a very long time.

While that picture was taken, my wort was still about half-way through boiling. After the timer went off, the Asst Brwmstr and I carried the wort to the chilling station which was set up in the nearby utility sink. (I don’t have pictures after this because I was worried my phone carried foreign contaminants that would ultimately be fatal for my mountain dew [actually I just forgot…sorry]). Once the appropriate temperature was reached, into the sanitized fermentor it went. Yeasties were added. It was at this time I realized I had not taken a hydrometer reading (read: I am an idiot and can’t follow the instructions in order…). The first brew has entered the fermentation process, however, as of 24 hours fermentation is not vigorous.

Brew Name: Monday Bloody Monday

Kit: Northern Brewer’s Irish Red Ale

Malt: Liquid Extract

Specialty Grains: Stock

Hops: Willamette (60mins) US Golding (30mins)

OG: Unknown

Notes: don’t be hungover when brewing // 3 gallons on next brew // don’t forget hydrometer readings // steep grains 20mins // oxygenate wort better // better pictures, for science.