Man, this show is making me regret blogging this. It always does at this point of the game. This is about the time of the show when you tune out for a few weeks and come back when Hometown dates get going. But, you should still read this. Sooo...





Harrison talking to the ladies about how sincere Soules is. He's a simple farmboy with simple pleasures.





This week Soules is getting help from his 3 sisters. However, they aren't there right now. As if I didn't hate myself enough for watching this damn show, I now have Train's 'Hey Soul Sister' in my head.





Group Date #1:





Let's do what feels natural...





Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey





They all think the 'natural' part in the date card means that they should wear less makeup. Ashley I. pays no mind.





Ashley I. is riding shotgun in the car Soules is driving. “Driving a car is one of the sexiest things a man can do.” This girl is something else.





They let Megan drive the other car. How did they decide that?





They all head to a lake. Ohhh... I get it, nature-al. Mackenzie, "My favorite place is a lake." Mackenzie like lake.





Bikini time!!





Everybody in the lake! Let’s get wet. I hope they can survive without their phones to Instagram that they’re at a lake. #LakeTimeWithMyBoo





Ashley I., "I'm so shy with him" as she shows her shyness by losing her top and jumping in the lake. Kaitlyn does her one better and drops her bottoms as she dives in. Please let there be piranhas in there.





Kelsey, “This is a date for bimbos.” Someone thinks she’s better than everyone else. Relax, Kelsey. You're not.





Back at the Mansion. The remaining girls get to meet the sisters. Judging, watching, looking.





Jillian is sleeping at the pool…. good god. The black box is back. Eff you, Bachelor! How am I supposed to enjoy her 'hairy' ass with that damn black box? It's a normal bikini! I hate you so much right meow.





Sister interview time from Lori, Lisa, and Jackie. Gitchi Gitchi, ya ya, da da. Think about it, you'll get there.





Whitney says she's from Louisville, I said Tennessee last week. Close enough. Her voice is growing on me. J/K! It's still buh-ru-tal. Whitney, “They asked the right questions.” Like, "When was the last time you had your blood checked?" And, "How many fingers am I holding up?"





Britt is frightened of the sisters. I can't figure Britt out. Her self esteem is through the floor!





Jade impresses the sisters by saying that she's a "model" for clothing and is starting an organic makeup company. "You sure are purdy and you smell like the inside of my momma's purse."





Non-outdoorsy Kelsey, sulking in the corner, is being a stick in the mud. She's still better than you and me. An insect stings her on the inside of her leg during an interview. That's some karma right there. Kelsey, you are officially the biggest drama queen here and we are just getting to know you. You had so much promise.





Let’s pitch some tents! Megan and Kaitlyn pitch their tent the fastest! You win nothing!

Ashley I. is a camping virgin. Surprise, Virgin Kardashian has never been camping.





Everyone's tent has been pitched. High fives all around!





Soules, "I’m gonna do my own tent." His tent is enormous. His tent's been pitched for a while. Ahem, not that I look at stuff like that. Anyways....





Back at the mansion...





Carly, getting emotional with the sisters, reveals that guys haven't been nice to her. Texas boys, be nice to Carly! Don’t cry. Carly, “I want Chris to be like my grandpa.” Sit on my knee, Carly. Here’s a 2 dollar bill for ya. Go get yourself some candy.





Date card. The sisters chose Jade. Yay! <room full of eye roll>. It's for a Royal Ball tomorrow evening. Britt is bummed cause she wants to be the princess. Jade is crying because someone likes her. So much emotion!





Wait, are we still camping? Dammit!





The rose is out! It was hiding in the cooler under the meat all along. Sooo meaty.





Kaitlyn pulls Soules aside. They mumble some words. Soules, “I am a touchy feely guy.” Kissy-kissy.





Kelsey feels lucky to be there. Kaitlyn notics that Kelsey is pouting when Soules is gone and happy when he’s around. Goodness, her fake laugh is not good. HA HA HA HA. Its. Just. So. Halting.





Booze is a-flowing. The hard stuff. Tequila, Whiskey and Vodka. Let’s face it, you gotta booze when you’re camping.





Ashley S. thinks we are missing music. She dances around and makes noises. ♫ Tata Tatee Tata Tatee. ♫ I am gonna miss her.





Kaitlyn decides to tell a scary story using Ashley S. as the scary subject while she is alone with Soules. Leave Ashley S. alone, Kaitlyn! I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.





Ashley S. is being loopy again. "Look at the moon. It's weird to me." I’m sensing a pattern with her. Nighttime booze + pills = goofiness. She kisses him and professes her love for him. OKAY, NOW she’s crazy.





She’s whispering to him and he’s whispering back. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?!?! Here's a fun game for you to try sometime. In a conversation, just start whispering to the person you're talking to. They'll whisper back, guaranteed.





Virgin Kardashian gets some time. "I don't like guys very easily." Kissy kissy. She really likes him. You know why, cuz it’s a competition. You wanna win! There’s literally no other reason. Kardashian, "I have to get the rose. It's gotta be me. There's no way he had any better chemistry with anyone else."





The rose goes to…. Kaitlyn. She seems genuinely shocked. Must be the alcohol.





Ashley I. can’t believe it. Once everyone is asleep she sneaks into Soules' tent. "I want him to know that I’m a virgin and have never had a boyfriend." She crawls into his tent to tell him how she’s been portrayed isn't really who she is. “Inside I’m a nerd, but outside I want to look like a whore.” Okay, the whore part was me.





He’s not quite understanding that she’s alluding to her virginity. “I’m not a hookup girl. Like, I’m wife material.” As she eats his face. Is he wearing Starbucks cologne or something?





Commercial





OK, the shitty camping date is over and we're all back at the house. The camping girls find out that Jade got the one-on-one 'princess' date. Ashley I., jealous of the date that Jade is getting, thinks she’s a Disney Princess. Ugh, she’s awful. Lemme guess which princess you think you are. It's Jasmine from Aladdin and it's not even close.





A glam squad arrives to make Jade a princess. Some lady with pink hair is running the show. She must be creative if she has pink hair. She's sooo different and original.





All the other girls be so jelly. Ashley I. "No one would appreciate this date more than me." Shut your pie hole Ashley I.!





Looking good Jade. She gets to keep the Loubs and the jewelry by NEIL LANE. Neil, where are you? Come out!! Neil, I know you're around somewhere.





Pink hair lady pulls out an iPad for some Cinderella cross promotion. Dammit, you guys.





HAHAHA!!! OMG, these girls are so jealous! Ashley I., I said shut up!





One-on-One w/ Jade





Jade is whisked away to a castle or museum or something. Soules is inside practicing his waltz, alone. Is this really happening? This effing guy. “I’m looking for my Cinderella.”





Here comes Jade. Soules is beaming that it’s her. He DEFINITELY remembers the bikini and heels from the past week.





Jade, "I feel like I'm being swept off my feet. This is what I’ve been waiting for.” You deserve this, Jade. More than anyone else, Jade. You deserve this.





Talky, talky, talky. She has been engaged before, when she was 21. “Everything happens for a reason.” Man, I hate when people say that. Jade, go ask Juelia what the reason was when her husband committed suicide and left her a single mother.





Soules confesses that he's been engaged before, too. He was in a 7 year relationship that fizzled. Sounds like his ex-fiancee dodged a bullet. A slow, boring bullet.





I don't know why, but I always sense a negative connotation that comes with a failed engagement. How is being engaged and not going through with a wedding a negative? If you ask me, I think those couples did themselves a favor. Don't go through with it unless your in it 100%. Bach On Bach marriage rules to live by.





Back at the house. Ashley I. is wearing her princess dress that she bought specifically for a 'Princess Date.' Okay, she needs to get lost. She's now dominating corn on the cob and champy. A little late night Sunday brunch. Wait, they just have corn on the cob hanging around the house? This farming business has to stop!





Back to Princess Jade. Her inner beauty stands out to Soules. Rose for you, Jade.





Soules, "I have one more surprise." Reach into this pocket... Nope, it’s an orchestra outside playing. Time to show off those slow dance moves you were practicing, Soules. Dancing with the Stars is next on the ABC reality show junket.





There’s a screen outside showing scenes from Cinderella while they're dancing. Yeah, this is going swimmingly. They’re dancing while watching the movie. Don’t watch the movie, you ding dongs. Look in each other’s eyes. Whisper sweet nothings. Tell him your darkest secrets. You know what I'm talking about, Jade.





Jade, "I'm here dancing with my own Prince Charming." It's Prince Farming! Get it right, Jade!





Kissy-kissy as he picks her up. We have now entered the ‘hug and pick-up’ phase of the show.





Clock strikes midnight and Jade hustles on out. The thing is, in the movie Cinderella, she talks and sings to animals. Guess what you'll be doing in Iowa. Yup.





Group Date #2





Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca

Let’s get dirty – Chris





6 large boxes are outside. They open them up and there are wedding dresses inside! Yay! More humiliation!





Now would be a good time to put the black box up on Jillian while she's wearing a wedding dress. But, the producers don’t. Missed opportunity for some actual creativity.





The group boards a plane to SF. Limo takes them to an obstacle course called MuckFestMS , an organization that holds 5k mud runs to benefit MS. We really need to ask the girls if they know what MS stands for. Over/Under is 2.5. Also, Muckfest? We're one letter away from the obstacle course known as The Fantasy Suites.





The girls have to run this obstacle course in a wedding dress and the winner gets a date with Soules. Black Box Jillian is feeling very confident. She should, she has a penis.





Jillian is cruising out of the gate. It’s her and Carly in the early lead. Just like the farm competition 2 weeks ago. Aaannnnddd, Jillian crushes everyone.









Becca, “I have balls swinging at my face.” Even this fruit is too low for me to grab.





Did Carly just say Jillian has a bigger dick than Chris? She did. Carly is fun. I'm in on Carly.





One-on-One w/ Jillian:





Soules, “I'd say Jillian is one of the top three.” Kiss of death.





Soules, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Really, bro?





Jillian mumbling about her fitness competition and how she can never gain her father's approval. Slooowww dooowwwwnnnn, Jillian. I get it, you’re nervous. Chill.





Soules, “It’s nice to listen and not have the pressure of talking.” He’s checked out. “I’ve begun to think about unicorns and dancing fairies. Quite beautiful.” They made him say that, yeah?





Ugh, this is so boooorrrring. Jillian is a lot slurry and being a bit crass. She blames it on her father's sense of humor. She's talking a mile a minute. Jillian, "So far it's going good." Soules isn’t feeling it. No rose for you!





Here come the waterworks. This is their 1st date, not gonna be a 2nd. You know what, I’m gonna start bringing a rose on my dates. Put it on the table halfway through the date and see how that goes. You want a 2nd date? Bring your 'A' game. I got a dozen other girls back at an undisclosed mansion I can choose from.





Walk of shame for Jillian. Now who gets the black box?





Cocktail Party





Megan starts off the night by pulling a blindfold out of her bosom and putting it on Soules. She then feeds him some fondue. Mmmmm..... chocolate bananas. No, no, no, Megan. Get your chocolate covered fingers out of Soules' mouth. This is not the time!





Ashley I. is wearing her princess dress from the other night. She takes Soules aside and explicitly tells him that she’s a virgin. Soules, "I did not see that coming." I wouldn’t either if a girl had me rub her belly button ring on night one. Soules, “I totally respect that.” Take me down to Awkward City. Hugs for you. You’re done Ashley I.





Ashley I. is losing it. For Pete’s sake, the 21 year old with a kid is consoling you. Get it together.





Carly, “Her mouth isn’t a virgin.” Carly is my new best friend.





Whoa! We have another virgin in the house. It's Becca!! Virgin buddies!





Britt is jealous that Soules is spending lots of time with Kaitlyn. Confront him about it, Britt! There's nothing a guy likes more than having you question his integrity and his preference in women. You don't need to explain yourself, Soules.





Soules was not cut out for this show.





Harrison’s here!!!





Soules, “I’m here to find a wife. I have the right intentions." That’s close enough to ‘right reasons.’ Drink!





Harrison, “Good luck.” Buttslap. Good talk, Chris.





Rose Ceremony:





Roses in hand:

Jade - Cinderella

Kaitlyn - Canadian





1st rose goes to…





Whitney - Wedding Crasher

Carly - Cruise ship

Megan - Fondue





Blondetourage coming through.





Samantha - Has he even had a conversation with this girl?

Mackenzie - Child

Kelsey - Drama

Becca - Virgin #2





2 roses left!





Ashley I. – Dammit!





Harrison, "Ladies, Chris. It’s the final rose tonight. When you're ready." We don't really need Harrison here any more.





Final rose goes to...





Britt!! - Vanessa Minnillo Lachey





Noooooooo!!!!! Ashely S. is gone. My muse. Down to the final 11.





I'm gonna have to redo my final 3. Doubt any of my original 3 get through at this point. I'll go with Jade, Whitney, and Kaitlyn.









Ladies, say your good byes to Nikki, Ashley S. and Juelia. Juelia gets the special treatment since she has a kid. Too funny. You know who doesn’t win on this show? People with kids. We need kidless women at all times. It's compliment time... "I hope you find love." "You're a beautiful person." Juelia should be thanking ABC for the vacation without her kid.





Tears from Juelia.





Next week:





Hot air balloons in Santa Fe. Heavy petting with Carly. Kelsey is conniving. Kelsey gets 911 treatment. Dramatically dramatic!





Credits:





Ashley S., “I feel nothing. I'm not sad at all. I have no feelings. I am who I am. I’m not worried about me. Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.” Goodbye, my love!

Back at the lake the group is playing Red Rover. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jose Cuervo on over!