The worse part however, has come later as I have gotten older. I have to come out on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. Every new person I meet assumes I’m straight. I am straight until proven gay. And you know what? It’s fucking exhausting. I have to justify and defend myself everyday. And I won’t say I have it worse than those who aren’t passable, because I don’t and they are so brave. I envy their bravery. But this daily occurrence can also make me feel dirty. People will assume things about my sex life and invite me for threesomes (because what lesbian doesn’t love threesomes with men), or men will offer up their penis to help me change my mind. These comments leave me feeling like I need a shower, not because these are bad things (threesomes and penises) but because people have taken liberties with my sexual identity and, to be frank, its degrading.



I do love dresses and skirts and gaudy jewelry and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Though, the invisibility is getting old. The constant berating by those trying to convince me that I really am straight has even led me to second guess myself, which kills me. I have lived fifteen years as a proud gay woman and that I can let these people get into my head kills a little piece of me each time. It isn’t that I’m not strong or not proud of who I am; it simply becomes too much, constantly having to teach people about the ways of the femme lesbian. I am always up for educating people about gay and lesbian politics and providing answers for those just seeking to understand about LGBTQG people. But when it becomes me having to be defensive about how I live my life, it is simply tiring. I never question straight people on their sexual identity, and that they feel free to openly, and without qualm, question me about mine, is disconcerting.



I am also not fodder for their pornographic fantasies, fueled by some skewed view of lesbianism they have viewed during their masturbatory activities. The amount of people that seem to believe that lesbians are only lesbians until the man arrives is absurd. I have had to learn to laugh at these assumptions, otherwise I would just be angry on a daily basis. Instead of assuming all I do is have sex with my friends, it would be great if people could realize that when I’m with my girlfriend we do that same things straight couples do. We cuddle while watching movies, we try new restaurants, and occasionally we even fight. Our similarities far surpass our differences; I wish more people could see our sameness rather than focusing on what makes us unalike.



If I were to accomplish anything with this piece it would be to spread the idea of acceptance and support, rather than judgement. Next time someone comes out to you don’t make it a thing, because the amount of courage it took to say those words is insurmountable. Even after fifteen years I still feel my stomach drop and my throat start to get dry as the words leave my lips. So please remember, lesbians come in all shapes, sizes, and dresses.

Dyke is not a name I got called often. I guess I consider myself lucky in that respect. But you know what I did feel a lot… invisible. I am a femme lesbian. You can call me lipstick if that makes you more comfortable, but the truth is I’m passable for straight and this creates issues. When I have come out, while wearing my mini dress with adorable wedges and statement necklace, I have gotten laughed at because they thought I was making a joke. I’ve been denied completely hearing the words “No you’re not.” I’ve been judged with their thinking that I just want attention, and the truth is it all hurts.I had just as much of a struggle coming out as others have had. When I was eleven, it was stupid of me, but I came out to my mom and dad during a fight. They didn’t believe me (I thought I was bisexual back then), my father called it a phase and my mother sat me down in my room, opened her bible, and pointed to the passage that said I was going to go to hell for this. It was hard, hearing those things from your own mother. Things have become incredible between us now which I am so thankful for. But this doesn’t change the fact that I will forever hear my mother’s voice saying those words to me.