South Africa - FAQ

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.



Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.



Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers, take lots of water...



Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...?



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)

A: ...and what did your last slave die of?



Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)

A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.



Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.



Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.



Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.



Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.



Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.



Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.



Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.



Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.



Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.



Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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