- free your true Self to guide you Comparison: Typical Behavioral

Traits of True and False Selves Signs of who controls your life By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

Member NSRC Experts Council site intro > course outline > Lesson 1 study guide or links , site search , chat , or prior page > here The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/compare.htm Updated 02-01-2015 Clicking underlined links here will open a new window. Other links will open an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display. Follow underlined links after finishing this article to avoid getting distracted and lost This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 1 in this Web site - free your to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and significant false-self This article provides a quick way to estimate whether a person is controlled by their or (a "false self"). This article assumes you're familiar with... the intro to this site and the premises underlying it

Part 1 in self-improvement Lesson 1

Q&A about personality subselves;

this perspective on false selves; and...

this research summary about kids from dysfunctional families

This brief YouTube video introduces the concept of true Self and false self. The video mentions eight self-improvement lessons. I've rescued that to seven. Background Many philosophers and everyday people propose that we each have a self. There has been rich and raucous debate across centuries and cultures about what that is. After 16 years' professional study I propose there are two types of self which regulate your personality and behaviors every day. If our early-childhood nurturing is enough, we seem to automatically develop a which acts like a naturally-talented orchestra leader, athletic coach, or chairperson. This subself has clear, realistic wide-angle, long-range vision. S/He consistently makes healthy, balanced minor and major decisions based on the dynamic input of our five or six senses and vocal In this best case, our evolving brain and body is directed and coordinated each moment by this highly-skilled true Self (capital "S"). When that happens, kids and adults report feeling a mix of grounded, calm, purposeful, focused, optimistic, strong, "up," content, alert, aware, alive, resilient, centered, resilient, secure, potent, and compassionate. Remember the last time you felt a blend of these? Enter the Protective " False" Self But... if very young kids experience significant lack of wholistic nurturance, their personalities (brains) seem to develop a different kind of self (small "s"). Their true Self seems overwhelmed or blocked from developing and directing their actions by other well-meaning but limited, impulsive and personality subselves who want to "run the show." When Inner Kids and Guardians distrust and the resident true Self, they form a "false self." False-self dominance is normal , widespread, and promotes survival vs. growth. It's like a distrustful, disgruntled violinist, tuba player, and lead tenor pushing their talented conductor off the podium and fighting over who will lead the orchestra. False-self dominance promotes up to five more psychological People who are used to being controlled by a false self experience that as normal. The idea that there is another subself in them that - if allowed to - can consistently make wiser, healthier life decisions is unbelievable. Do you relate? We kids and adults range between "a little wounded" or "very wounded," depending on (a) any early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma), (b) how many subselves are vying to control us, and (c) how often they our true Self. Note : A common first-reaction to "personality subselves" is anxiety about being crazy or having a "multiple personality." Since about 1980, psychiatrists and sociologists have guesstimated that about 5% of Americans seems to have extreme personality fragmenting. That was called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), and is now dubbed "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (DID) by psychiatrists. The common clinical term for "personality splitting" (false-self formation and dominance) is dissociation. Research repeatedly suggests that such massively fragmented people survived extreme and psycho-spiritual trauma as young children. The great majority of us, probably including you, do not have anywhere close to this DID degree of personality fragmenting - but we do have some. In this site, a Grown Wounded Child (GWC) is an adult who's personality is "significantly" ruled by a false self, according to someone. Before wound-reduction, we're usually unaware of false-self dominance and its - though we're adept at spotting false-self symptoms in other people! The bad news: Being significantly controlled by a false self has powerful personal, marital, parental, and social implications. In my experience, the high majority of troubled, divorcing, and re/married Americans (and others?) are GWCs in major denial. The good news: Once understood and admitted, false-self dominance and psychological wounds can be significantly reduced over time (and true Selves empowered) via self-motivated personal recovery. Self-improvement in this site is devoted to assessing for and reducing, significant false-self dominance. See this unique Lesson 1 guidebook . Trait Comparison Here's a way to sense who's leading someone's personality (like yours) locally or chronically. Option - use this as a worksheet to profile yourself or someone else Common True Self Behavioral Traits Common False-self Behavioral Traits __ Alert, awake, __ Generally "up" and "light," (mood) __ Usually realistically optimistic __ Focused, clear, and centered __ Compassionate, kind, forgiving __ Firm, strong, confidant, purposeful __ Calm, serene, peaceful __ Usually has a wide-angle, long-range focus - accepts delayed gratification __ Balances long and short-term payoffs __ Usually patient, persistent, committed __ Appreciative, grateful, "glass half-full" __ sensitive, genuinely respectful __ aware, "connected," receptive, growing __ Consistently self-nurturing without egotism __ Genuine, honest, open, direct __ Respectfully assertive __ Socially engaged and active __ Physically healthy: balanced diet, exercise, work and rest; gets preventive checkups __ Spontaneously expressive of all emotions real-time, without major anxiety or guilt __ Able to form genuine bonds with others __ Able to judge who to dis/trust with what __ Realistically self-responsible __ Usually realistic about life and situations __ Spontaneously able to exchange __ Comfortable receiving merited praise __ Often able to forgive self and others __ Frequently maintains a two-person __ Seldom gives __ Able to grieve losses spontaneously __ Seeks Self-guided people and high-nurturance settings __ Evolving and living a clear __ Work, play, and rest are generally balanced __ Fuzzy, distracted, confused, numb __ Often "heavy," "down," gloomy, manic __ Usually pessimistic or idealistic __ Confused, vague, unable to stay focused __ Blaming, critical, bigoted __ Indecisive, worried, cautious, doubtful __ "Upset," scared, angry, guilty, ashamed __ Usually has a narrow, short-term focus

__ Usually seeks __ Often impatient, impulsive, uncommitted __ Bitter, jealous, resentful, "glass half empty" __ Selfish, arrogant, disrespectful __ Spiritually unaware, skeptical, closed, scornful, or uninterested __ Consistently self-neglectful __ Dishonest, indirect, sly, controlling __ Timid and apologetic, or aggressive __ Isolated or compulsively social __ Physically unhealthy; relies on prescribed drugs or self-medication __ Anxious, guilty, or blocked about feeling and/or expressing some or all emotions __ Difficulty forming true (vs. pseudo) __ Difficulty discerning who to with what __ Notably over- or under-responsible __ Frequent and denials __ Difficulty giving and/or receiving real love __ Uncomfortable receiving merited praise __ Difficulty forgiving self and/or others __ Often focuses only on her/himself or a conversational partner - 1-person "bubble" __ Often gives double messages __ Difficulty grieving on one to __ Unconsciously prefers and low-nurturance settings __ Unclear on or indifferent to a life purpose __ Work, play, and rest are often unbalanced Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings. Which column of traits do you identify with? Do you see each of your parents here? Your grandparents? Your partner? A child? A former lover? A hero/ine or mentor? Learn something about yourself with this anonymous 1-question If you're skeptical about personality subselves, read this letter to you. and experiencing this safe, interesting exercise . Option : whether you and/or another adult or child are significantly ruled by a false self. For options on preventing psychological wounds in your family, community, church, state, or nation, see this article after you finish here. For more perspective, read this research summary on " bad habits " and these real-life news examples of people unaware of being controlled by false selves. Recap This Lesson-1 article and nonprofit Web site propose that normal personalities (like yours) are composed of talented and are controlled by a wise (capital S) or Observable behaviors indicate which of these is true, situationally and over time. From my 36 years' clinical research and observation, the article provides brief background on this premise, and describes common behavioral traits of a typical true Self and false selves. People often controlled by false selves are usually survivors of major childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma) who don't (want to) know about their resulting psychological and what they usually Assessing whether another person is currently or regularly controlled by a false self can empower you to choose whether to maintain a relationship with them, and the best way to relate to them. Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what you need? Who's these questions - your or Would you answer the poll at the top of the article the same way now? This article was very helpful somewhat helpful not helpful Prior page / Lesson 1 / Print page







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