I was a childcare provider for years before I had a baby. I subbed in daycares, I was an au pair, I was a nanny. I made a living off of knowing what to do with children. I was a regular at story time and sing a long time and the playground. I could rattle off how to give the Heimlich to an infant and the best way to introduce your toddler to new foods. I really thought I knew everything. I trained horses as a hobby. How can having a child be more difficult than training a horse, I’d say. They have to listen to me. Kids can’t plow me over when they don’t like what I say. I was so set in my beliefs. I was so naïve thinking I knew all there was to know. I thought I would think all of the gross parts about children would still be gross. (toddler poop will always be gross.)

1: Catching vomit in my hands. Some babies get G.E.R.D. Mine is one of those. Most pediatricians will tell you that spit up is only a laundry problem, but what they don’t tell you is the actual severity of that problem. I don’t know about you, but I could not afford all of the laundry that spit up on everything causes. Much easier to rinse my hands off than to wash the couch cover and the sheets for the third time that week.

2: Letting a poopy diaper sit on the dresser for hours. Because, honestly, it’s easier to shake the turd in the toilet once it’s dryer than when it’s still slimy. And on that note, let’s throw in a bonus discussing poop. All the time. Every day.

3: Wiping drool off the baby with no thought. Fun story, when I was a young lass and my brothers were babies, my mom used to take the drool right from their mouths and I was disgusted. I promised myself there, at the tender age of seven or so that I would never ever do that. Spit is disgusting. So disgusting. They make burp rags for a reason. Then i had a drool monster baby

4: Buying into homeopathy and fads: like Amber teething necklaces. Until I had a teething baby. I swear my homeopathic teething water helps and that necklace is my saving grace. I guess desperation will cause even the most staunch believers to question themselves.

5: Practice Attachment parenting: I don’t know why I was so against it. But I was ill-informed. I now look to my handy Dr. Sears books whenever I need advice on my baby. I mean, it makes sense. Just follow your instincts, right? If it feels wrong, it is.

6: Start identifying first as a mother: Then as a writer, artist, etc. I told myself I would never let my baby take over my identity. I really ought to have used never less frequently when I was younger. I had no idea what being a parent was like. It’s easy to identify first as a mother. Anastasia is literally a part of me. I did the most womanly thing one can do, created a child, and I take pride in it, dammit.

7: Re-evalutaing my definition of dirty. remember the spit up problem I walked about? If I can wipe it up, it’s clean to me. Diaper leaked on my bed? Is it that bad? I mean, it doesn’t smell bad. It will dry, I’ll just put some lavender oil over it. Voila, clean enough to nap on, I say.

And let this be my advice to new parents out there: you’re wrong. You’ll do all of the things you thought were gross. Every. Single. Last. One. And you know what, you’re going to look back and think about how silly you were before.