Chapter Text

SIXTY-ONE: LILIANA VESS

Blue smoke billows and twists until it coalesces into a djinn, a being whose might is only matched by its Scrabble score.

"ZAHID WILL HAVE VENGEANCE!" the spirit bellows. "ZAHID KNOWS ZAHID SAID THAT TWO CHAPTERS AGO, BUT ZAHID RECEIVED A DECAF COFFEE THIS MORNING INSTANT OF THE HALF-CAF ZAHID ORDERED AND IT HAS THROWN ZAHID OFF ALL DAY AND ZAHID IS BEING EXTRA CAREFUL NOW!"

Just then, a weird rat girl throws Bolas' Spirit-Anal-Bead at Lili, who instinctively catches it. She recoils to see the spirit of Bolas before her.

I'm not the spirit of Bolas, the spirit of Bolas hisses. Note the different horns.

No shame in getting a horn tuck, Liliana thinks at him. Who was your surgeon? It looks totes natural.

This is why I avoid talking to humans. I am Ugin, Trademark Pending.

We're at chapter sixty-one and your name hasn't been mentioned yet; not even as coy foreshadowing. Why are you only popping up now?

I'm late, Ugin think-replies. Traffic was a you.

What do you want from me? Liliana demands, thinking of the many who've manipulated her before. The spirits of the Chain Veil. The Raven Man. Nicol Bolas. The T-shirt that promised to show her how to keep an idiot busy.

Only to give you the opportunity to choose to be your true self.

But I gave up on my dreams of competitive kitten-drowning YEARS ago.

I meant becoming a good person.

Who would believe my true self is a good person?

Gideon Jura, perhaps.

Liliana nods. His hard-on points my way, even from beyond death.

"ZAHID FEELS ZAHID HAS BEEN MORE THAN GENEROUS WITH ZAHID'S TIME BY WAITING WHILE YOU STARE AT A ROCK FOR TWO MINUTES! ZAHID ASKS YOU SHOW THE SAME PATIENCE WHILE ZAHID HAS VENGEANCE! ZAHID WILL START WITH THIS YOUNG MONK!"

*I have to save that boy,* Liliana thinks. *He talked Kaya out of killing me. His bravery reminds me so much of Gideon. I have to save that small, dickless Gideon!*

And what happened then? Well, in Caligo, they say, that Liliana's small heart grew ZeroDivisionError: integer division or modulo by zero

SIXTY-TWO: KAYA

"ZAHID WILL HAVE VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE ON YOU ALL! ZAHID RECENTLY READ 'THE SECRET' AND THE IDEA OF SPEAKING ZAHID'S DESIRES INTO EXISTENCE APPEALED TO ZAHID! APOLOGIES IF ZAHID IS OVERDOING IT, BUT ZAHID DESIRES VENGEANCE!" The djinn lunges at Teyo.

"Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin!"

Everybody in the room turns towards to Liliana and blinks.

"I decided to do a heel-ankle turn, like, ten seconds ago," Liliana huffs, fumbling to put on the Chain Veil. "Not a lot of time to brainstorm punchy dialogue. Now, put down the boy, and nobody gets hurt. Except Jace, emotionally, later, under unrelated circumstances." She fires a barrage of spirits from the Veil, who instinctively form a Hands Across America to prevent Zahid from reaching Teyo. Then they surround the djinn, encircle him, other words for ring-around-the-rosie him, until the djinn begins screaming.

Kaya moves toward Liliana - a movement that would be blocked/sketched and then performed/animated and end up looking dramatic if this were a script - calling out, "What are you doing? The djinn wasn't in pain and then you did a thing and then he WAS in pain and I don't understand causation!"

Liliana's reply was cold as a midnight crypt.

Wait, I've BEEN in a crypt. And it wasn't cold at all. Sure, it was August, at 4:00 PM, but crypts are sealed off so time of day and year shouldn't affect the temperature much?

It was definitely damp, though. But somehow a dry damp? Like someone dumped sand in a humidifier.

Oops, getting off track. A quick edit here, here, and here, and...

Liliana's reply was cold as Megan, the girl that befriended me and flirted a little and invited me over to her house so she could pelt me with a water balloon and knock me out of our high school's yearly seniors-only game of Assassins.

There. Much colder.

"I'm doing what every necromancer is born to do. I am draining the life force from my enemy."

Kaya coughs and shuffles a little closer to Lili. "Liliana, do you... have you ever been in the same room as a dictionary?"

"Yes, I've been to places where they sell marijuana several times."

"I tried."

"Please stop killing the djinn," Teyo shouts. "It has feelings too. I assume. I don't know much about djinns."

"Do you hear the boy, Zahid? Whining the whine of tiny men? We offer you freedom, as long as you leave Caligo, its people, and us alone."

"ZAHID AGREES," Zahid nods in much pain, "WITH ONE EXCEPTION. I WANT LILIANA VESS."

Liliana exhales softly, walking towards Zahid with head bowed. "Very well. For the first time in my life - which is a damn long time - I accept that my actions might have consequences, and hope to earn some sliver of redemption through deat-"

"I AM LILIANA VESS!" Fake!Liliana banshees, with little prodding.

"Whelp not letting an opportunity go to waste she's all yours Shazam."

"ZAHID WILL FINALLY HAVE HIS VENGEANCE!" the djinn shouts, lifting Fake!Liliana off the floor and carrying her away. "YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR USING MY POWER TO CREATE ZANY MUSICAL NUMBERS FOR EVIL INSTEAD OF GOOD!"

The House of Vess is quiet as a crypt at any time of day for a few seconds.

"This seems pretty early to reach the denouement," Rat offers.

SIXTY-THREE: CHANDRA NALAAR

Chandra planeswalked back to Ravnica, where the plot is. She sits on a block of marble, trying, if such a thing is possible, to cleanse her soul. And wondering whether her four-issue comic run fits in before or after this novel.

"Chandra!" Jace shouts. "I'm ready to have a turn in this novel as a fully realized character who affects the main conflict."

"Today is not your day," Chandra sighs.

FLASHBACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY!

Chandra is sleeping in a bar, by herself, after closing. It's supposed to look pathetic, but, c'mon. I do it all the time! Do I look pathetic?

...

...

Please stop answering. Your words wound me.

"Wake up, you bisexual disaster of a George Foreman grill," a voice says.

Chandra opens one crusty eye - *ew* - to see the voice is attached to a Vraska.

"Asgasglkh," Chandra groans.

"Good to see you too. Dovin Baan is on Regatha."

"How do you know? Where on Regatha? Are his nipples blue or pink?"

"All good questions. I will answer them by lying. Now let's go."

SMALL ACCEPTABLE TIMESKIP THAT ALLOWS US TO GET TO THE ACTION!

They approach Dovin Baan's safe house on Regatha. Large neon signs point the way.

"This could be a trap," Chandra says.

"Aren't you a red mage?" Vraska asks.

"Whoops, I accidentally grabbed a second dimension on the way here. I'll put it back."

Chandra breaks into Dovin Baan's house as if she were the Kool-Aid Man, or Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball, or the Kool-Aid Man naked on a wrecking ball HORRIBLE WRITING DECISION I CAN'T STOP SEEING IT SOMEONE POUR BLEACH INTO MY EYES.

"I've been waiting for you," Dovin Baan flatly states. "I engineered this trap to teach you a lesson: No matter where you hunt me, I can always planeswalk away, and you will never win. Also, womanwhogetsathopterthrowninherfaesayswhat."

"Wha-" DONK.

"Sorry!" the thopter squeaks.

"Have you learned your lesson?" Dovin smiles eyelessly. Smles.

"The only lesson I've learned is YOUR FACE!" Chandra shoots a fireball. Vraska chops off Dovin's hand. Chandra shoots a fireballier fireball, incinerating DoviNOT MY BOY HOW DARE YOU CHANDRA.

Chandra hesitates. I did it. I killed Baan. So why don't I feel better? Another reference to the pyromancer being a **COLD**-blooded killer, finish your drink. Maybe I should be learning something about the hollowness of revenge.

Nah, learning is for chumps.

SIXTY-FOUR: RAT

"Alright," Kaya exasperates, "can we kill Liliana NOW? She's done thirty-six bad things since we decided to kill her for doing bad things."

"Thirty-seven bad things," Liliana notes. "My DVR is taping the Mariners game without express permission of Major League Baseball."

"Someone invented Major League Baseball in this multiverse?"

"Thirty-eight bad things."

"Don't kill her!" Rat squeals. "You shouldn't kill her because-"

HOLY MOVING PICTURES ON VINYL WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FLASHBACKS? DID SOMEONE GIVE TEFERI CRYSTAL METH AGAIN?

Rat holds the Spirit-Kidney-Stone.

Twerp, it intones, toss me to Liliana before you get any more David Copperfield on me. Also, she can be a good person. Probably. There's not much room for downward trajectory.

Rat yeets the Egg to Liliana.

BACK, BACK TO THE FUTURE, MARTY

"-because I have a feeling." Rat avoids mentioning the talking egg because it would sound outlandish, especially following such a down-to-earth genie fight.

Kaya tosses her daggers away. "Works for me!"

SIXTY-FIVE: JACE

Jace and Chandra planeswalk to Dominaria. Jaya tags along to be adult supervision.

"Hi!" the local townspeople say, "we're just about burn Liliana's corpse at the stake!"

"That can't be Liliana," Jace murmurs. "That pyre isn't telling me I'm worthless and putting out a cigarette on me."

He rushes over and rifles through the corpse's pockets. "Aw yiss, free lint. Also, there's no Chain Veil, so it isn't Liliana."

"The ineffectual twink took it!" the townspeople smile.

Jace turns to Chandra, somber-eyed. "Liliana would never let a twink take the Chain Veil. Even an effectual one. She must really... be... dead."

Chandra breaks into sobs. "I just... can't... take another loss. Not today."

Jaya sits down, dabbing at her eyes with her cloak. "I... picked the wrong day to leave my emergency confetti at home."

GET YOUR KICKS, ON CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX: ANA IORA

Ana Iora checks into the Shitty McShit Inn Of Sucktastic Donkey Scote Sweat (Formerly A Days Inn) on Fiora. She rings a bell that brings forth a goblin bellhop.

Ana looks down at the gobbo. "Give me whichever room isn't an active crime scene."

"The room used for filmin' woman-on-goldfish German dungeon porn, 'kay. You gots luggage?"

"Neither literally nor metaphorically," Ana says. *Not a Spirit-Gem or a Chain Veil to my name. Which is Ana Iora.*

She thinks about why she picked the name Ana Iora. Ana, her childhood nickname, to symbolize rebirth. Iora, because she is married to the ghost of Gideon's tallywacker.

This is going to be a Big Radical Twist Thing I won't like, isn't it?

I SWEAR TO GOD IF THERE IS ONE MORE FLASHBACK I WILL BREAK THIS BOOK'S KNEECAPS.

She remembered ravens coalescing on the House of Vess' eaves, making her antsy.

"I was hired to kill Liliana Vess," Kaya states coolly.

"You already killed *a* Liliana Vess," Rat pipes in.

Liliana stares at Rat. "That is the dumbest thing I've heard all day and I can hear my own thoughts."

"We could use the Chain Veil as proof of kill," Teyo suggests.

"But I don't want to," Liliana snaps. "That's why I have the Veil. Because I like it. There's definitely no curse that binds it to me and threatens to consume my soul and has been one of my major character motivations."

*Don't be a fool,* the ravens caw. *Well, be less of a fool.*

"Maybe you should hold it up and see if it sparks joy," Rat suggests.

The Spirit-Oval kaboomificates, startling Liliana into dropping the Chain Veil. She looks down at the tattered mess. "Well that didn't need eight years of build-up."

*You win this round, Liliana Vess,* the ravens squawk as they fly away. *Somehow.*

"Now, Liliana," Kaya smiles, "have you considered the Witness Protection Program?"

FLASHNOW

Liliana reflects on the day's events. This quirky band of OCs somehow redeemed her, succeeding where Gideon and Jace and Chandra had failed.

Somewhere on Zendikar, Nissa feels offended but doesn't know why.

Liliana spots a raven in a tree, but it flies off, because not every raven is a metaphor.

Most are. Just not this one.

SIXTY SEVEN: TEYO

Teyo, Kaya, and Rat planeswalk back to Ravnica. Blaise, the Orzhov servantess from half a book ago, still can't see Rat! She VERY cannot see Rat! Just like nearly every other character, but Blaise is a straight-up GOLD MEDALIST at not seeing Rat!

Teyo walks into Rat's bedroom, intent on celebrating their victory by smooching her strap-on. Instead, he finds Blaise.

"We'll make it work," he shrugs, assuming the position.

"Mistress Rat left this piece of paper for you," Blaise says.

Dear Teyo,

Toodles for a little while. Don't put any stuff up your butt while I'm gone.

Teyo has an idea, but thinks better of it. Normal papercuts are bad enough.

SIXTY-EIGHT: ATKOS TARR

Atkos Tarr is a Dimir vampire.

Atkos Tarr is good at killin'.

Atkos Tarr is gonna kill a mofo tonight.

SIXTY-NINE: NICE.

Tomik officially puts into place the plan Teysa Karlov explained earlier.

That's it. That's the chapter.

SEVENTY: VRASKA

The statue-corpse of Isperia still looms over the Azorius Senate House where Niv-Mizzet has called a meeting of the guilds, because it's heavy and if it's a such a bother to you why don't YOU move it, huh?

Niv-Mizzet reigns as roastmaster, flanked by Aurelia and Lavinia. Hekara replaces Exava as the Rakdos representative because Exava is in time-out for being shown up by Jace and Chandra. Kaya, Teyo, Tomik, Teysa, and the Triumvirate of Teysa's nasty subordinates are also there. Vorel and Vannifar represent the Simic, Borborygmos and Gan Shoka are the Gruul envoys, Maree and Ral stand for the Izzet, Ral's head is shaved, I wear a black veil to mourn Ral's hair, Boruvo and Emmara cover the Selesnya, Chandra is there, Chandra is there, the first Chandra is Lazav who just wanted to feel pretty, and it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and

Kaya steps into the Azorius Verity Circle, brandishing the Chain Veil. "I killed the woman known as Liliana Vess, and offer this Chain Veil as proof."

"Very good," Niv-Mizzet snorts. "Now, would you step out of the Verity Circle and into the No-Fiddly-Technicalities-Or-Loopholes Circle?"

"...HEY LOOK IT'S VRASKA'S TURN."

Vraska strides into the circle, waving Dovin Baan's hand. "Dovin's hand says hi."

"That's Dovin Baan's hand," Lavinia assents as she performs her is-this-Dovin-Baan's-hand spell.

"Are you happy?" Vraska says, staring down Niv-Mizzet.

"No," the Firemind intones, "but that's mostly due to personal issues."