VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis. “God is always there to listen to my prayers and provide spiritual guidance, but on any given day, there are maybe 15 or 20 other undying entities from beyond our world—Anubis, Quetzalcoatl, Freyja, you name it—who get in touch with me,” said the bishop of Rome, adding that, over the course of a month, he communicates with hundreds of various deities, spirits, numina, naiads, dryads, and wraiths who come bearing some kind of important message or just check in to see how he’s doing. “Sure, in my day-to-day job I serve as an earthly liaison for the Lord Our God. But to be honest, I don’t talk to Him nearly as much as I do Hanuman or Nerrivik the Sea-Mother. Actually, I just finished up talking with Phobos and Deimos right before this—love those two.” The pontiff added that while he typically enjoys the company, he’s getting a little tired of having to listen to the endless whining of all the banshees who hang around him.

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