Chronicah: A Stoner Jew’s Hanukah

Oh Reddit, and the stoned Reddit users that occupy so much that is great and holy on the internet. One Redditor recently had the great idea of coming up with a new, Jewish-themed holiday (Robanukah just wasn’t enough for you, was it?). It’s called Chronicah. Chronic + Hanukah = Chronicah. Simple math is the best math for those that toke daily.

Here’s how it works:

Day 1: Joints

Day 2: Blunts

Day 3: Bowls

Day 4: Bubblers

Day 5: Bongs

Day 6: Edibles

Day 7: Vaporizers

Day 8: All Others

But that is not all! The Rabbi…er…Redditor CactusCat11, has some important halachot to follow when celebrating. What would a Jewish holiday be without unnecessary rules?

“The first seven days can be in any order but the last day always has to be every way. This would correspond to the days of Hanukkah which starts December 8 this year. I have written a song that goes to the toon of 12 days of Christmas. If this becomes visible enough I will make another post with the lyrics.”

Rabbi CactusCat11 has spoken! It is not the order in which one tokes that matters; rather, it is partaking in all aspects of the marijuana sacrament. One must then combine all for the final day, so that your 8th day of Chronicah is filled with hazy dreams and vague memories of some movies you watched and some Chinese takeout that you ordered. So Sayeth the Lord. Amen.

When you heard the word ‘Chornicah’, was this what you were expecting? Not I. I didn’t expect such an important Jew-ish holiday to be so wishy-washy with the rules. Call me a traditionalist Stoner-Jew, but I thought Chronicah would be more like Chronnuckah, more about being a stoned Jew than just being a plain stoner, via Urban Dictionary:

“In the Jewish faith, a celibration[sic] that commemorates the way–after the Romans sacked the temple and left only enough for one bowl–the bud lasted eight nights.*

This is celebrated by lighting one more bowl on an eight chambered bong known as a Chronukiah starting at the right and lighting one more chamber evey night for eich night of Chronuckah.

Also crockies, a dish made form potatoes and cannibutter, are traditionally eaten.”

*This miracle is known in many circles as a Hanukkah Bowl, which is an everyday miracle witnessed by millions of people worldwide.

Either way, regardless of what haze you decide to spend your 8 days of Hanukah in, just remember that Chronicah should be spent with those that you love – and your cat.