Dwarfs are without a doubt the most underrepresented demographic in society. I constantly hear people cry for the equal hiring of minorities and for equal pay for men and women. Not ONCE have I heard anyone look out for us midgets. & Yes I said midget… the “Little People of America” can get off their “high” horses telling me what I can and can’t call myself. Since I have a platform and I’m laying in bed hungover, I thought why not take you into my world, and walk a mile in my (size 5) shoes.

A lot of people have asked if I wear children’s clothing… No bitch! My limbs are the only part of my body that’s same size as a child. My torso is the size of an average male, with some of the widest shoulders known to man. You be the judge.

Up top I have one factor to deal with and it’s the length of my arms. I have to get the sleeves for my dress shirts cut by a tailor. That shit is expensive over here, its like $25 a shirt. Back home my maid (humble brag) does it for free.

Down low is where the anatomy gets interesting. Lets revisit the previous picture

I have an ass that’ll make a nun squirm. I mean look at how thicc that thing is compared to Dave’s. Tell me you don’t want a piece of that. My legs are roughly 4 and half iPhone 8’s long. Do the math and it adds up to pants with 36” waist. So you tell me would you rather pay an extra $50 each time you buy a shirt and pants, or wait 2 years and have your maid do it in 5 min?

2.) My Head is not an Armrest

I’m not your fucking armrest or your dog, so do not pet me or put your cum-covered hands anywhere near my head

3.) Legs Dangling

This is where it gets fucked. Sitting in a chair is a nightmare. Couches are ok cause you can put your feet on them. Chairs on the other hand, its either you let your feet dangle which causes you to cramp up since the blood rushes to your toes or you could try putting your feet on the ground. In order for my feet to reach the ground, I have to scoot my ass forward thus leaving my lower back with no support. You pick your poison.

4.) Flying

Need to dispel this myth. I’m not a great middle seat guy. Its only when I decide to sit leaning forward that I become a darling to sit next to. The one time I sat in on the plane next to Dave, I was leaning forward, hence the origin of this rumor. Since then Brett has booked a middle seat EACH AND EVERYTIME. It’d be a real shame if Brett’s apartment got struck by lightning next time I’m booked in a middle seat.. a real shame…. I have really wide shoulders and a huge team player, so if the quarters are tight Ill usually take one for the team. (Shoutout to me #theteamtheteamtheteam)

5.) Grinding in the Club

Contrary to what you saw on the tailgate tour, I’m not a big dancing guy unless I’m black out drunk. Listen, black people love ass. A nice phat ass (big difference between fat and phat). I’m yet to come across a fellow brother that prefers boobs over ass. They don’t exist… That being said there’s nothing worse than being 4’5 and grinding. This more often than not ends in their phat booty SLAMMING into my chest. Sometimes knocking the wind out of me.. Feels a little something like this:

It looks like this though (Yeah its 2 fucking guys, get over it):

I have to give it up to the ladies that do dance with me, It takes incredible athletic ability to get down and stay at my pad level, cause you know for damn sure I ain’t getting on my tippy-toes. Fuck that noise. Anyone that knows me well knows I’m the laziest dude on the planet. No shot I’m going to the gym to up my core strength so I can take blows to my stomach. The solution? Sit at the bar or watch from the sidelines, wait till you go home and hit that shit laying down, from the side. That’s how I get some ass.

6.) Basketball Kid

I’ve never bounced a basketball in my life. So the next time the video of that black midget crossing-up the white midget goes re-viral (don’t know if thats a word), don’t fucking tag me.

Anyway that’s a little tid bit of life at 4’5. I maybe back on a slow day to talk some cricket, Arsenal, Rugby or any dumb shit that comes out of Africa. Till then Lets Go The Gunners and #WengerOut