It’s a familiar situation: You’re still riding the high of a great movie-viewing experience when you see your friend, so you decide to tell them all of your thoughts about it in addition to a full plot summary. Here’s how to tell them about every inch of this impactful flick in such exquisite, unsolicited detail, it’s like actually seeing the movie, only so, so much worse.

Play it loose with character names.

While you recall the plot of the film to your pal, feel free to play it fast and loose with the character names. Fluctuate randomly between referring to characters by their actual names and the names of the actor who portrays them. Gorgeous sentences will flow forth in your excited state, such as: “So Nicole Kidman goes into the house, but then you realize Charlie is dead, but actually he died two years ago, and Maya has no memory of it – Maya is Naomi Watts. Wait, did I say Nicole Kidman earlier? It’s Naomi Watts.”

Leave out subplots until the last minute.

You don’t want to overwhelm your buddy with information, so stick to the central plotlines until you suddenly get the point where the main and sub plotlines intersect. At this late stage, say, “Okay, so wait, I forgot to explain this part.” Then go back and hurriedly explain all the characters and storylines you haven’t yet mentioned while your friend’s eyes widen with terror at the impossible task of taking this all in. You are a modern-day roving poet, your half-baked and manic film recitation an Odyssey equivalent. This is the original art form, even if it isn’t the original version of this movie that took 500 people and two years to make.

Really stress how good it was.

To get your listener as amped as you are, continually remind them how stunning and effective this movie was. You are gifting your companion, free of charge, with the beautiful experience of being whisked away into the world of a film, just without any of the awe, appreciation of the craft, or ability to understand what’s going on that generally accompany that. “God, the acting was great,” you’ll say, inviting them to imagine what great acting is like. Ultimately, this is awesome for everyone involved.

Oh to be moved by le cinéma! Your friend is sure to enjoy every last disordered, poorly explained detail of the movie. They won’t even have to see it, and they also won’t want to because you have completely ruined it for them. And cut!