Night Before Xmas Alabama Bentley.jpg

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

'Twas the night before Christmas,

When all through Alabama

Not an attorney was stirring,

Not even The Hammer.

The billboards were hung

By the interstate with care,

In hopes that Shunnarah

Would soon be there.

The citizens were nestled

All snug in their beds;

While visions of a lottery

Danced in their heads;

Dressed in their pajamas

Of orange and houndstooth,

Woken only by a nightmare

That they're in a voting booth.

When outside my house there

Arose such commotion,

Like a car fell in a pothole

Bigger than the Pacific Ocean.

I ran to the window

And held my firearm steady,

Like the annoying commercial,

I was definitely ready.

And what do my wandering eyes

Happen to see?

A truckload of politicians

That came straight from Montgomery

And out from a hiding place

Closed up like a cupboard,

Sprang a man in shackles

Who was clearly Mike Hubbard.

Then Roy Moore said he had to

Perform random bed checks,

To ensure they weren't occupied

By couples of the same sex.

In the middle of my lawn

Landed a state-owned helicopter,

An older man stepped out

Who said he was a doctor.

With his perfect comb-over

He stared so intently,

I knew in a moment

This must be LuvGuv Bentley.

He asked for our cells phones,

To ensure no audio was recorded.

The following conversation

Would certainly be sordid.

And out of the shadows

His advisors they came,

And he whistled and shouted

And called her by name:

"Now, Baby! Now, Honey!

Rebekah my dear!

Come quickly my darling!

Let me nibble that ear!"

And then, in a twinkling,

I heard a loud crash.

I turned so fast that

I suffered whiplash.

A truck had pulled up

And without asking please,

The City of Mobile

Was stealing my trees.

I thought this was Christmas,

But no gifts did they bring.

These corrupt politicians

Just wanted to take everything.

I guess this is my fault,

I shouldn't have taken the bait.

Our politicians are as honest

As our state graduation rate.

And I wish I could say

They all "drove out of sight,"

But LuvGuv promised

Not to leave without a fight.

We have to fix Alabama

And we need to get chippy,

Unless you like finishing

Slightly above Mississippi.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]