Ford was digging the 1980's a grave as early as 1986 with the Taurus. The Taurus had no hard boxy edges that so defined the decade of synth. GM had to play catch-up real fast, as was sometimes the case with the Big Three. The Lumina was GM's answer to the ubiquitous Taurus.

The Lumina battled the Taurus by becoming the ultimate rental car of the early '90s. It did this with its engine, nose (front fascia), seats, transmission, and retirement.

The base motor was the Awkward-Thanksgiving Iron Duke Four. The Iron Duke was a 2.5L four cylinder from 1977. It was a low-revving, low-compression engine more famous for moving Jeeps and The Grumman LLV, aka the United States Postal Service truck. In 1989, the Iron Duke was dropped in a passenger car styled to convince Middle America that General Motors was ready for the future.

Chevy Lumina: The car driven by that girl from high school who your mom set you up with because of Church Consistory politics.

The Iron Duke is the engine you want if you're going to rent cars to bewildered parents flying into Orlando, Florida. Your average vacationers believe some grand epiphany awaits inside Spaceship Earth, and who can blame them? They're driving as fast as they can toward America's Mecca. Mom and Dad Stonoslovski shove their foot to the floor of their Lumina Rental car. Who cares? It's not their car!

"Let's see what this baby can do!" says Dad Stonoslovski, his eyeglass straps waving behind his thick neck. At wide-open-throttle, the Iron Duke gives a patronizing rumble up to a safely-restricted 4,900 RPM and rations out maybe 80 horsepower. The speedo needle sweeps from 62 to 65mph "Oh yea she's got some power!" Dad nods.

Iron Duke: An engine with a note more hollow than your father's compliments when you showed him your homemade comic book drawn on lined stationary.

In a rental car, you want an engine that will take abuse because it will be punished EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not my car? Floor it everywhere! I'm paying such-and-such for this car, and if I have to bring the tank back full, I'm going to damn well enjoy it.

Look at the virile nose of the Lumina. The nose comes to a point, as opposed to the nose of a Ford Taurus, which is blunt. You think this doesn't matter much but it does. Understand that rental cars are driven by temporary drivers who are coming to a strange town for pleasure or business (which will allow them to afford pleasure later). Car rental companies always back cars into slots so you see the car face-first. Ohh, a pointy nose, something that stabs, something that cuts! I'm going to kick some ass at this regional meeting! I'm going to conceive a child in Kissimmee-St-Cloud! A good rental car promises Good Times are coming, just by the arrangement of its front fascia.

The Chevy Lumina's seats were soft, overstuffed and still arranged in a classic bench configuration, even though a middle arm rest folded down, and the seats could be individually moved front and back. What this did was welcome the previous generations who grew up with bench seats. There's a reason Lawrence Welk was still on air in the early '90s. It told The Greatest Generation that their life-of-restraint and slow-dancing-without-hip-touches still mattered, and was right.

"Here we are Grandpa, Rehoboth Beach, Deleware! I know we're a long ways from Duluth, Minnesota, but...would you like to drive the rental car?"

Chevy Lumina: A car for emotionless grandfathers who chew cigars.

Most Luminas used the GM 4T60-E four-speed automatic which was a continuation of GM's Turbo-Hydramatic 440-T4. The old 440-T4 transmission was a hold-over from the late 80's when automatic transmissions still used mechanical throttle valves to control shift points. The thing with Throttle Valve Cables (T.V. Cables), was anyone with two pliers could adjust the shift points by manually tightening or loosening the cable. This is done the same way you adjust the throttle response of a manual throttle . . . or the brakes on your Huffy mountain bike.

If you wanted to beat relentlessly on your rental Lumina, while grinding Wendy's fries into the red carpet, just mess with the T.V. Cable. The problem is, it's easy to bust the auto-box doing this. That's what the 4T60-E solved. It's an electronic-controlled four-speed auto. Remember, this is the early '90s before we figured out how to crack TCUs (transmission-control-units) with laptops. Good on you, GM. You made a rental car that can't be messed with by shade-tree mechanics on spring break.

Chevy Lumina: The 1996 contender for the middleweight tray-sliding belt.

Last is "retirement." After a car's service to Hertz, Avis, Enterprise Rent-A-Car, and Honest Al's EZ Rental is over, the vehicle is sold on the second-hand market with 30,000 hard miles and no mention of its rental past. The Lumina went two ways after rental retirement, the best two ways it could go: Holiness or Hedonism.

The Lumina either turned into a early bird special or a Valhalla-seeking hoonmobile for drivers still riding high on their first kick of testosterone. The design of the car was so stealth, you looked law-abiding and wholesome even while emergency braking though a snowy parking lot.

Chevy Lumina: A Dunkin' Donuts blockade-runner when you're rolling with a Cinderella License.

The bench seating holds you and five of your friends. The column shifter allows your significant other to slide close to you just like that Cake song. The boring color options—white and blue and white and white and off-white—blend into the rest of the devout followers of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Pennsylvania. No one will guess there's a dime bag wedged between the seats.

Chevy Lumina: A car whose styling is taking less chances than a comedian performing on-campus.

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