See where your ultimate favorite Terminator movies stack up!

Arnold Schwarzenegger voice: I am Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 and I am here to tell you about the Terminator franchise, before long you will understand the movies at a geometric rate as I rate each one based on their quality as defined by me the T-800.

Among the many possible choices, the highest quality motion picture remains Terminator 2: Judgement Day. There is no dispute. I will provide innumerable justifications for why this is true. Reason number one, I am the hero.

Delicate human flesh cannot be as heroic as robotic life-forms such as myself. My aptitude to supply classic one-liners is unparalleled by any other vertebrate, synthetic or organic. The special-effects still stand out today and the action never relents, maintaining a break-neck speed (for an biological creature).

My co-star Linda Hamilton delivers a performance that rivals my own and Robert Patrick as the T-1000 is incredibly menacing and gives evil robots a good name.

My detailed files continue with an examination of The Terminator. This film is a raw, automaton heart-pounding experience. My portrayal of a cold-calculating killer drives the story while Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor grows from an ambivalent, daydreaming waitress to someone capable of saving the world on her own.

Michael Biehn’s crazed Kyle Reese is like a rabid dog but his love for Connor knows no earthly bounds. Even my primary battery unit feels something watching them together. Do not take placing this number two placement as a denouncement of its quality. These two pieces of cinema are as close as the nanoseconds that separate every command input I receive from my CPU.

Here is where the gap between feature films widens like the gap between flimsy human flesh and near indestructible cybernetic alloy.

This entry is the definition of the term mixed bag. The dated humor and the humiliation of finding myself at a male strip club are as painful as rebooting my core processing unit. Other elements though are incredibly advanced.

The initial chase sequence is a manifestation of success. The shocking ending is bold and confident. My co-stars Nick Stahl and Claire Danes give a certain sense of humanity that elevates the rest of the work. My cybernetic acting programs cannot compete.

Despite this, the pressure to live up to the first two entries ensures this film would be quickly forgotten.

I like the name Carl. I also love my performance in this movie. I am quite funny and at the risk of overheating my ego, I should have been in it more. Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor is in overdrive as an elite-level badass worthy of her character from Terminator 2.

This though does not help our mission. The new characters are adequate but unremarkable. The action is difficult to follow and lacks the ingenuity of previous entries. Nothing about the action feels intimate or dangerous.

It misses the tight quarters highlighted in the first two films favoring giant spaces and indistinguishable factories. I will miss designing drapery though. Perhaps someday by CPU can help me rediscover this passion.

“Terminator Salvation” is a difficult film to process. Oscar-winning actor Christian Bale portrays the leader of the resistance John Connor like a man on fire.

Sam Worthington, a human Hollywood was desperate to make a star, is opposite him as a limp, emotion fueled Terminator with almost nothing to do. Bale smothers the story that never attempts anything that might be considered interesting.

A half-baked CGI battle drags the narrative to the finish. Like many the many sunglasses I have pulverized this is a movie that holds little value.

Now we come to the final film. This last item of record Terminator: Genisys is a failure of the highest computation. If Terminator Salvation is a pair of crushed sunglasses Terminator: Genisys is as important as the punks who made fun of yours truly.

I am the only entity worth watching. The remaining sum of the movie is effortlessly ignored. The Terminator in this film played by Jason Clarke battles Jai Courtney as the character with the most wooden delivery. It is crucial to remember that I am in this movie. Nothing in this film survives proper critical analysis. Even Skynet would crumble under the weight of this failure.

This is my list. It is complete, definitive and without question the best possible list available. I will be sending it to Skynet immediately. Your appreciation and support of this list is required by your future robot overlords. Remember this or I’ll be back.

