Dismay for Jacob Rees-Mogg as he fails to make old lady homeless and unemployed for Christmas

Tory backbencher and Brexit poster-ghost Jacob Rees-Mogg is this evening licking his wounds after he failed to make an old lady homeless and jobless in time for Christmas.

After the prime minister, Theresa May, won a confidence vote amongst the Conservative parliamentary party by 200 votes to 117, Jacob Rees-Mogg exasperatedly threw a limp glove at his nanny at being denied the opportunity of getting her fired.

Rees-Mogg told reporters, “Christmas is a time for goodwill to all people, unless myself and my fellow Brextremists deem you an enemy of the people, in which case we’d happily see you dragged through the streets by horses for daring to disagree with our interpretation of what people voted for in 2016.

“I’m not sure how this scheme of mine has failed. Why did people not believe me when said I could get a better deal from 27 sovereign nations, just because it took me over a month to get 48 letters of support from the people in my own party?

“So this evening is a huge disappointment. Nothing would have made me happier this Christmas than seeing a 62-year-old woman unemployed and homeless over the festive period.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few servants I need to angrily beat.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!