Originally Published 4/25/12

As always, there will most certainly be exceptions. Leave any additions/adjustments in the comments section below.

Having two or three great, white dress shirts > Always having your favorite in the damn hamper

Tattersall or Windowpane > Pinstripes

Tieless + Jacket > Shirt + Tie but no jacket

Wurkin Stiffs > Regular Collar Stays

Rolling your sleeves up the Italian way > Having them unroll all the time, on their own



Wearing a suit for no reason > Feeling weird when you “have” to wear a suit.

Navy Suit > Black Suit

Shadow Plaids > Pinstripes

Solid knit ties > Solid, shiny silk ties

Cotton pocket squares > Silk pocket squares

Those paper-clip like sliding things > pins that hold a shirt together

Hi! Welcome! > Can I help you find anything? You sure? You really sure? I don’t think you’re sure.

Black Friday Online/Cyber Monday > Black Friday in store

Amazon Prime > Just about any other form of online shopping

Mid-day, mid-week, in-store shopping > The weekend.

Buying your own tux > Renting

Regular collar > Winged Collar

Well shined black balmorals > Patent Leather formal shoes

Having somewhere to go in your own tux > Trying to make up reasons to put it on.

Finally tying a bow tie with ease > Swearing up a motherf*ckpants storm.

Letting your hair do its thing > Trying to force it to do something else

Less Product > More Product

Matte Finish > High Shine

Getting your hair cut by the same person, on a schedule > “How long is the wait?”

Occasionally checking the inside AND outside of your nose for stray hairs > Scaring children

Having a consistent “laundry day” – Always having half a load damp in the washer.

Realizing what the steam button on your iron does > Using only heat and taking forever

Ironing with a little starch > sticking just to steam

Becoming so fluent in ironing you can do it blind > Having to pay careful attention while ironing

Getting a steamer > Having to get your jackets pressed every once in awhile

Good Liquor Neat/on ice > Liquor mixed with coke or tonic

Enjoying it > Shots

Never drinking to get drunk > Jäeger

Sitting at the bar > Sitting at a random table

Club Soda + Bitters > Having one drink too many



A really good Irish coffee w/ fresh whipped cream > Is that reddi-wip?

Making your favorite cocktail by eye > Having to measure

Cooking with an open bottle of wine > Cooking

Making your date dinner by eye > Having to follow a recipe step by step

Making your date breakfast by eye > Ahem.

Finding your own tailor > Depending on department store / Dry Cleaner alterations

Getting your shoes shined at the airport > sitting in the terminal twiddling your thumbs

Wearing a navy cotton blazer w/ dark denim > Thinking you need more contrast

Cognac or light brown shoes > Dark brown shoes

Wearing black shoes with a medium to light grey suit > Thinking you should always wear brown with grey.

Getting a car you really like, at a price you can afford > Being poor due to your expensive dream car

Being in shape and having decently made clothes > Being out of shape and having designer/bespoke clothes

Getting out on the dance floor/singing a song at karaoke* > Refusing to even try

Discretion, & not firing unless fired upon > Being that guy who likes to kid/insult everyone

Not caring how or what type of clothing others are wearing > Measuring your own style against others



* Johnny Cash or the B-52s are pretty good for those of us who can’t carry a tune. Top Photo Credit: Ell Brown