Name: Hot sex.

Age: As old as time itself.

Appearance: A close-up of Michael Gove's face saying "hot sex" over and over again until we're all completely dead inside.

My eyes! My eyes and brain and digestive system! Why would you even say something like that? Hey, don't shoot the messenger. The education secretary knows more about hot sex than the rest of us put together.

Please explain, as delicately as you can. Gove was talking at a cabinet summit about how to bring hi-tech entrepreneurs to London, and claimed that they come to the city for all the hot sex it offers.

You're paraphrasing. You have to be. I'm not. According to the Daily Mail, he told colleagues: "The reason they love London so much is … that it's a fantastic city with great opportunities to be successful, enjoy a great culture, have a good time and loads of hot sex."

Really? In London? But surely everyone's too tired and angry for any funny business. Use its proper name.

Sorry. Surely everyone's too tired and angry for any – oh God – hot sex. You're obviously moving in the wrong circles, buddy. You want to start hanging with Michael Gove, King of All Hot Sex.

How did this weird little outburst go down? Apparently David Cameron spluttered "Make sure that does not appear in the minutes", while Theresa May, her delicate sensibilities for ever corrupted, let out an audible gasp.

Hang on a minute. Didn't Gove recently profess a love for the hip-hop sub-genre chap-hop? Yes.

And didn't he reportedly get drunk at a dinner party last month and say that Boris Johnson was unfit to lead the country? Reportedly, yes.

So is it possible that all these moments of self-conscious wackiness are his attempt to emulate Johnson's loose-cannon appeal in a crazed bid for power? You think that Gove wants to be prime minister?

It's either that or he just really loves talking about hot sex. Ugh. OK, I take your point.

Do say: "Hey baby, let's go back to mine for some hot sex."

Don't say: "Hey baby, let's go back to mine to prove Michael Gove right about something."