I was sexually abused as a primary sunbeam (age 4-5) by my primary teachers during sunday school lessons (a husband and wife). There was at least one other girl with me that I can recall. These memories stuck with her, but I repressed them until just recently. I can now look back at how the shaming, the guilt, the “normalcy” of men in control of my body affected my life. The reaffirmation that men were in charge of my sexuality was confirmed during sunday school primary lessons, bishop’s interviews and finally into an emotional/physically abusive marriage. As a youth I was “black listed” from serving in the young women’s presidencies (as was the other girl in my situation), I felt worthless, confused as to why I couldn’t serve and I felt ruined. I was confused because I was ruined at church, I did what I was supposed to, I obeyed and I suffered. I suffer still but I have decided to turn my anger into advocacy. I WILL NOT even allow my daughter’s to go to church anymore because the conditioning for abuse is one thing, but the shaming and guilt is an entirely new trauma. Thank you for all you are doing. I will no longer sit small, or quiet, or un-noticed. That little sunbeam deserves better.

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