I’ve never heard of that.

Vocation: Gynecologist

What I said: Oh, ok. I read on the internet that it is pretty uncommon and that a lot of people have never heard of it before either.*

What I was actually thinking: Do you know what Google is, you fucking idiot? And they call you a vagina doctor?

*It is estimated that 1% of women globally have vaginismus. Number-wise, this is not insignificant or conveniently unknowable.

Oh honey, you’re ok. You’re just like the people on those shows who are afraid of birds…”

Vocation: Nurse at the same gynecologist’s office as before

What I said: Haha, yeah, I guess.

What I was actually thinking: Seriously, lady? I just had the most painful and out of body experience during this pelvic exam and now you’re comparing me to the fucking phobic freak shows* I grew up watching on daytime television during Maury and Montel? I should’ve kicked you instead of that idiot doctor.**

*In retrospect, I allowed my own physical and psychic pain to bring out the worst in me and my thoughts were a way of distancing me from the very real psychological terror and panic involved in penetration. This blog does not condone discrimination or stigma against differently abled people, including those who suffer from various phobias and/or mental illnesses that preclude them from living the life they want to lead. I am one of these people, after all.

**I am also super opposed to physical assault on my fellow workers! Just trying to be honest about my urges here. And I did have uncontrollable leg spasms that meant I kicked the doctor about four times while on the table. Shit got craaazzzzy.

You should really think about trying wine. It’ll help you relax.

Vocation: College therapist

What I said: I’ve actually tried that! (giggle giggle) It doesn’t work!

What I was actually thinking: Uh, if wine actually worked as a miracle vaginismus antidote, I’d already be fucking on a regular basis. ALSO CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HOW YOUR ADVICE CONTRIBUTES TO NORMALIZING RAPE CULTURE ON CAMPUS? HOW CAN I CONSENT WHEN I’M DRUNK? DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO USE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF PINOT TO FACILITATE PENETRATION WITH THAT GUY I’M BLOWING IN MY DORM? REALLY? CAN I GET MY $25 BACK FOR THIS SESSION BECAUSE YOUR THERAPY IS TOTALLY BANKRUPT.

Have you considered yoga?

Vocation: Psychiatrist

What I said: Not as much as I should! I know that I should stretch more and I bet the breathing exercises would help.

What I was actually thinking: Blah blah blah. You probably think you’re sooo original with this suggestion. I appreciate a holistic approach but I came here looking for some drugs. Can you just shut up and do your job already? Write me a prescription and leave me in peace.

Moral of this blog post is that if you don’t know what to say to someone with vaginismus and especially if you aren’t up to speed on what works to help a vaginismus sufferer/survivor move through their treatment, say nothing at all.

As for me, reflecting on my responses has made me realize even more that I’ve spent far too many years of my life placidly agreeing and/or profusely apologizing for my vaginismus. It makes sense to me that my social anxiety and need for social approval would crop up at moments when my vaginismus-related anxiety was flaring too. Next time I hear statements like these, I’d love to be in a place where I can speak back to the ridiculousness without flinching. I also want to honor that a lot of these suggestions came from well-meaning people who just didn’t know any better. I’m still working through my feelings on how much educational labor I should have to engage in for the people I’m supposed to be able to turn to for support.

What’s the worst/most insensitive/terrible/insulting thing that’s ever been said to you? How did you respond? Let me know in the comments.