3. One More Thing —

There is one more thing I haven’t told you about happiness in this post.

Everything I said you need to be happy above is an illusion. It’s level 1 of the game.

You don’t really need any of these things to be happy. You can be in pain — both physical and emotional, running on low sleep, while you’re hungry, shivering in cold weather and yet be bursting with inner happiness.

You’re playing the game at boss level now.

This is hard. But you can do it. It took me lots of self-work to get to this point, but I guarantee you — you don’t really need any of these crutches to be happy because happiness is a completely separate thing from your surroundings and your circumstances.

Happiness is internal. You can channel it from within you anytime you like. It is like a tap that gets easier to find in the darkness with enough self-work. Once you know the location of the tap inside your mind, even in physical pain, running on no sleep, bogged down by the demands of everyday life you can find your way to the tap, and drink from it.

But how?

Realize that everything we experience is temporary. Your life is a movie that you watch or a game you play for 80–100 years.

And once that’s done, you get to move on, and play another level. Knowing that your suffering, no matter how great, is temporary allows you to find a way to distance yourself from the suffering itself and make the decision to be uncontainably happy while being in pain, and while suffering.

I know it sounds a little weird, but if in moments of suffering you look at your life as a game, and distance yourself from your suffering mentally, perhaps by thinking of it as your game character’s suffering that cannot reach you, you can rise above your emotions, and choose to not let the suffering into your bubble of happiness. You acknowledge your game character is suffering and help it play the game of life the best you can while maintaining your own uncontainable happiness inside.

The happiest person, the Yoda of happiness if you will, can be happy even with the existence of these roadblocks, even while in pain, even while hungry and running on little sleep.

That is the goal.

— to isolate your happiness from any external circumstances or dependencies. To turn on your tap of happiness no matter what your circumstances, and to live your fullest, happiest life.

So don’t wait till you have the perfect life to be uncontainably happy — you’re allowed to be a masterpiece and a work-in-progress at the same time. Start today, start while you’re still a work-in-progress.

4. What you don’t need to be happy in the long run —

Don’t put conditions on your happiness.

Before we go, let’s relinquish some tightly beliefs about what society tells us we need before we can be happy. The things below will NOT bring you sustained happiness, so if you are holding out for any of these, I completely understand, but you have to let go:

The perfect job/promotion — There is no job which will magically unlock the doors to your happiness. The world is full of unhappy rockstars, celebrities, VCs, elected officials, scientists. Finding a work environment that makes you feel valued and challenged, and like you’re contributing to a bigger cause are all it takes to be happy.

— There is no job which will magically unlock the doors to your happiness. The world is full of unhappy rockstars, celebrities, VCs, elected officials, scientists. Finding a work environment that makes you feel valued and challenged, and like you’re contributing to a bigger cause are all it takes to be happy. Living in your dream city — It gets old really fast, you stop noticing the beauty you were once mesmerized by, the streets stop singing to you, drinks on NYC rooftops with a view of the Empire State Building become just the thing you do on Friday nights.

— It gets old really fast, you stop noticing the beauty you were once mesmerized by, the streets stop singing to you, drinks on NYC rooftops with a view of the Empire State Building become just the thing you do on Friday nights. Money — After a certain extent money will not make you happy. (Study.)

Being a size 2, or having a 6-pack — I’ve been a size 2 my whole life and sadly being a size 2 doesn’t give you access to a special size-2-only happiness cheat code to play life with. You have the same body image issues — your tummy isn’t flat enough, your feet seem too small, your ass seems too big. Different problems, same emotions. Eat well, exercise and don’t define your self worth by your waist size — you are SO much more.

— I’ve been a size 2 my whole life and sadly being a size 2 doesn’t give you access to a special size-2-only happiness cheat code to play life with. You have the same body image issues — your tummy isn’t flat enough, your feet seem too small, your ass seems too big. Different problems, same emotions. Eat well, exercise and don’t define your self worth by your waist size — you are SO much more. Dating a fantasy instead of the real thing — The gooey feeling in the pit of your stomach from dating a fantasy doesn’t last after a few days, months, or years (depending on how committed you are to your fantasy). Accents get old, hotness gets old, a woman who can dance burlesque gets old. The real thing doesn’t come pre-packaged with all your fantasies — it’s imperfect but feels pure, comfy, and silly. It sets your soul on fire and makes you feel at peace at the same time, and most importantly it makes you a better, more fulfilled person.

— The gooey feeling in the pit of your stomach from dating a fantasy doesn’t last after a few days, months, or years (depending on how committed you are to your fantasy). Accents get old, hotness gets old, a woman who can dance burlesque gets old. The real thing doesn’t come pre-packaged with all your fantasies — it’s imperfect but feels pure, comfy, and silly. It sets your soul on fire and makes you feel at peace at the same time, and most importantly it makes you a better, more fulfilled person. More dresses, bags, shoes — Shopping gets old too. Living in NYC you start to look at clothing as wearable art, your fur coat becomes a portable comfortable zone, a red dress becomes a symbol of feminine, soft power. And yet a few well-tailored, well constructed pieces that you can depend on to make you feel like a star are all it takes to be happy — everything beyond that has diminishing returns.

— Shopping gets old too. Living in NYC you start to look at clothing as wearable art, your fur coat becomes a portable comfortable zone, a red dress becomes a symbol of feminine, soft power. And yet a few well-tailored, well constructed pieces that you can depend on to make you feel like a star are all it takes to be happy — everything beyond that has diminishing returns. Bigger House — a clean, cosy, comfortable house full of people you love is all it takes to create happy memories.

— a clean, cosy, comfortable house full of people you love is all it takes to create happy memories. Better Car — you won’t notice your new car after 3 months, I guarantee you. Humans can adjust to their surroundings very easily.

— you won’t notice your new car after 3 months, I guarantee you. Humans can adjust to their surroundings very easily. Fame — Ask yourself why do I want to be famous? Is there a hole in my own sense of self that I’m trying to fill with fame? Why do I need validation from the world at large? Isn’t recognition from a few trusted people enough?

— Ask yourself why do I want to be famous? Is there a hole in my own sense of self that I’m trying to fill with fame? Why do I need validation from the world at large? Isn’t recognition from a few trusted people enough? Social Media followers/likes — A handful of people who love you unconditionally e̶v̶e̶n̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ y̶o̶u̶ because you act goofy, will make you far happier than a million likes from strangers. Choose your people very carefully, and love them unconditionally.

Going to your dream vacation, staying in your dream hotel — These are great life experiences and definitely make you happy, but the happiness isn’t directly proportional to how much you spend. Luxurious hotels, infinity pools in your balcony, Michelin star restaurants — all make you happy in the moment, but the happiness is fleeting, and you stop noticing them by the time your second trip rolls around. The people you’re with at the vacation matter much more.

tl:dr; All these things get old, really fast. The happiness they give us is fleeting, and there are diminishing returns — the more you indulge in these things, the less they add to your happiness with each interaction.

It’s always a good idea to ask yourself why you might want these things? What hole are you trying to fill by pursuing these things? What is the underlying primal, deep-seated desire that you believe you’ll satisfy when you achieve these things?

What other ways can you satisfy that desire right now?

The rich, the thinner, the prettier are not happier — at all. Happiness if an equal opportunity emotion. Having material posessions won’t remove your internal struggle. Our struggles, like our lives, are all very unique but what they all have in common is that they exist — that even the most privileged among us struggle, and though the nature of our struggles might be different, the effects and the roadblocks they impose on happiness internally are the same.

If you’re still not convinced, think back to the happiest moments of your life — chances are they have all been with people you love unconditionally, laughing hard at little things, being goofy with your favorite people. You might remember where you were or what you were wearing or what you were doing, but only as a secondary detail.

It’s the people we surround ourselves with that make us happy, not things or places.

Now it’s your turn! What secrets to happiness have you discovered? Do you especially connect to or voraciously disagree with any of the things I’ve said?

What’s stopping you from being goofy, silly, from putting on music and dancing right now?

I would love to hear about your journey with happiness!