Labour in crisis as Ed Miliband loses mock debate to ’empty chair’

Labour party strategists have gone back to the drawing board after Ed Miliband lost a behind-closed-doors mock debate against an empty chair.

The hastily arranged mock debate came after the Labour leader suggested David Cameron’s place could be taken by an empty chair in any debate in which the Prime Minister decides not to participate.

A Labour source explained, “We thought it would be good practise in case someone in government actually called Ed’s bluff and made him debate an empty chair.”

“We thought it would be easy, a bit like an extended stump speech, but Ed kept getting flustered and looking at the empty chair – like it was goading him.”

“God, it was horrific. What started as an well-rehearsed assault on unfair austerity measures and funding of the NHS, soon became a rambling defence of why he’s actually better than his brother David at ‘lots of things’.”

“The chair literally said nothing at all, and yet within seven minutes Ed had called for a bacon sandwich which he stuffed it in his mouth whilst screaming ‘Look! Look at me eat this now! Look!’. It was all a bit embarrassing.”

“We’re now more than a little worried about how fast he might disintegrate if there’s someone actually answering him back.”

“Do you think the debate organisers might accept a format where we can pre-record our answers and put them on YouTube?”