AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only one to get a funeral. “How come Brendan gets a funeral, but I don’t?” said Weiss, explaining that it wasn’t fair that his older brother got a cool casket that he could lay down in while he had to walk around in an uncomfortable, itchy suit and talk to people he didn’t know. “Everyone’s talking about how much they love him, and no one is even saying anything nice about me. And why are his pictures the only ones put up around the church and not mine? He gets all the attention.” At press time, Weiss was throwing a tantrum after finding out his brother didn’t have to go to school anymore.

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