Super Bowl LI

(NRG Stadium – Houston, Texas – Network: Fox – Announcers: Joe Buck, Troy Aikman – Attendance: 70,807)

Falcons v. Patriots

Where I am watching the game: Legends Sports Pub & Grille – Uniontown, OH.

Watching with: Wayne, Amy, and Ron.

5:01- Arrive early since the bar doesn’t take reservations. Find a nice corner booth outfitted with a private television.

5:08- My buddy Wayne and I order a basket of fries and nachos/chili con queso. We proceed to smash.

5:25- I’m digging the interview with ATL QB Matt Ryan.

5:25- Terry Bradshaw’s unpolished charm adds energy to an otherwise bland pre-game panel.

5:28- Fox is airing a montage of celebrity fans of NE who are kissing Tom Brady’s ass.

5:28- Unless Weird Al is behind the microphone, I normally don’t care for song parodies, but I am enjoying Rob Riggle’s cover of Garth Brook’s “I Got Friends In Low Place.” (Pro tip: Weird Al is in this, so the rule stands.)

5:59- Bought raffle tickets for a half-time raffle. Fingers crossed.

6:05- Just tried “hot strawberry” wing sauce. Sounds “ehh,” but is actually pretty tasty.

6:10- The mustard-colored blazers that the Hall of Famers are being forced to wear are brutal. Willie Brown spices his look up with a baller cowboy hat. Shannon Sharpe’s shoes…

Swag is swag is swag is swag.

6:19- The Atlanta Falcons are headed out of the tunnel.

6:23- Three members of the cast of Hamilton sing “America the Beautiful.” Not entirely dreadful.

6:27- Luke Bryan sings the National Anthem.

Ted: “I wonder what ‘ramparts’ are?

Amy (sarcastically): “You don’t know what “ramparts” are…??”

Turns out a “rampart” is this.

6:33- Fmr. President George H.W. Bush is out for the coin toss. (Tails)

6:35- Ford commercial:

6:37- ATL kicks the ball to NE to start Super Bowl LI.

7:16- ATL scores the first TD of the game with 12:15 left in the second quarter. The extra kick was good to make the score, 7-0.

7:18- Honda commercial:

7:28- ATL scores a TD.

7:29- #58 on NE (Shea McClellin) is offsides during the “point after touchdown” (PAT) attempt.

7:30- PAT good. Score 14-0 (ATL).

7:37- Amy (of NE player): “I love how you just fell down over nothing. GOOD. JOB.”

Ouch!

7:39- Everyone at my table are currently engrossed in their phones.

7:41- Amy and I are trying to figure out how long that Lady Gaga has been a “thing.”

Turns out, this is how it happened.

7:44- ATL intercepts Tom Brady pass for TD. PAT good. 21-0.

7:50- Turbo Tax commercial: (Is Humpty Dumpty leaking…yolk?)

7:51- The Fate of the Furious commercial…

Ted: “They are going to the arctic…!!”

Amy: “That’s ridiculous.”

Ted: No. It’s…NO!”

7:54- About Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson:

Amy: Even if he wasn’t pretty, he still has personality.”

Ted (thinking to himself): “Yeeeaaah, right.”

7:58- NE moving the ball down the field.

8:02- NE strikes with a field goal (FG).

Amy: “Shank it!”

They don’t.

8:04- Halftime. Score: 21-3 (ATL)

Amy AND Wayne each win a raffle basket. Amy’s includes movie-related items. Wayne gets an assortment of gift cards. What did I win? Zilch. Story of my life.

8:13: Lady Gaga begins the Super Bowl Halftime Show. She is singing “This Land Is Your Land.” I get that she is trying to be political but…argh! Who can listen to this?

She then bungees down into the stadium where she transitions into the pa-pa-pa-Poker Face song that I hate.

The choreography and costumes for the backup dancers is dreadful. Gaga is dressed like a seventh-grade majorette.

Pop music, with very few exceptions, is terrible.

Gaga is to singing, what McDonald’s is to hamburgers. Disposable dreck.

She is severely lacking in charisma.

Thankfully this crap is over.

8:28- Ron (unironically): “Is someone in here (the bar) playing a violin?”

It was the television.

8:32- NFL Super Bowl Baby Legends ad:

8:47- T-Mobile commercial featuring Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. Snoop has the weirdest career. He has done everything from porn to cell phone ads.

8:53- ATL scores. Extra point good. 28-3.

8:55- Kia commercial.

Ron: “Is that Melissa McCarthy?’

Ted: “No. That’s a rhinoceros.”

8:56- Wayne (with a delayed jab at the former president): “That coin toss sure was weak, George Bush.)

8:58- Amy: “Well, there’s still a lot of time left…”

Ted: “Yeah, but nothing the Patriots are doing feels urgent.” (Stay tuned…)

9:03- Two players helmets get locked together. Whuut?

R: Dwight Freeney. L: Martellus Bennett

9:05- NE score a TD off of a pass to #28. Extra point attempt bangs off of right upright. Score: 28-9 (ATL).

9:19- I’m bored. The game and commercials are failing to deliver.

9:32: I visit the washroom. I come back to find the score 29-12.

9:32- Spuds MacKenzie is back??

9:35- #28 (ATL) down on the field. The show is being choked up by commercials.

9:37- Bumping back from commercial break, a stunning shot of Houston is shown.

9:38- ATL QB Matt Ryan is creamed by NE defense. NE has the ball back.

9:41- NE scores. They go for a two-point conversion and connect. Score: 28-20. 5:56 left in the game.

9:44- NE with 17 unanswered points.

9:51- NE sack Ryan.

Wayne: “Aww…sit down, Brady!”

9:52- Amy: “Is Tom Brady going bald…?”

9:53- ATL punt.

9:55- Brady airs it out on second down.

9:57- Brady pass swatted down.

“Get that shit out of there.!”

9:58- #11 Edelman (NE) baaaarely keeps the ball from touching the ground in the very definition of a Big Game Catch.

10:01- Brady completion with 1:51 left in the game.

10:03- A drunk in the bar: “Eeeevry buh-dee dance now!”

10:05- NE punches in a rushing TD.

Customer in bar: “Overtime baaaaaaaaaay-beeeeeee!”

Going for a two-point conversion. Offsides ATL.

10:07- 28-28 with 52 seconds left in regulation time.

Shit.

10:10- Fourth down. Kicking team out for ATL. It’s still New England and it’s still the Super Bowl. ATL can’t take a stupid risk.

10:11- Eleven seconds left. 28-28. Review: Incomplete pass by ATL.

10:12- Three seconds left. There is time for one play by ATL.

10:13- Regulation play ends with an awkward run attempt (an possible injury) of #33 Lewis (NE).

Here is a commercial that was supposed to make the air, but didn’t:

Overtime.

Coin Toss. NE to receive.

10:18- 1500 left in OT. Score 28-28.

Kick. Brady will start at 25.

10:20- 13:18 left. NE is marching down the field.

10:22- One and ten. Incompletion to #88. Flag down. Pass interference.

10:24- Incompletion.

10:24- Second and Goal.

TOUCHDOWN!

The New England Patriots win Super Bowl LI.

Final score: ATL-28, NE-34.

The field floods with people.

Brady collapses to his knees.

-Fade to Black-

-Ted Zep

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