Fire them all. I mean it, round up all the people in the Writer’s Room for 2018 and shit-can the lot of them. This story arc is waaaayyyyy out of hand. All these quotes are verbatim from the document filed by the Department of Justice in its attempt on Wednesday to keep Mariia Butina, the red-haired Russian "student" who is accused of violating lobbying statutes while worming her way into the conservative political elite in this country.

Act One: You Are The Best Spy And One Day Keri Russell Will Play You On The Teevee.

Russian Official: Good morning! How are you faring there in the rays of the new fame?[] Are your admirers asking for your autographs yet? You have upstaged Anna Chapman. She poses with toy pistols, while you are being published with real ones. There are a hell of a lot of rumors circulating here about me too! Very funny!

Butina: It is curious that only our liberal media published the translation of the article. Yesterday I was pressing for an interview to Komsomolka but they are silent. It was probably our [people] that stood up for me.

Russian Official: I only saw it in the Echo [of Moscow] Blog and on the InoSMI site. What do you expect from the liberals anyway?!

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Butina: It’s the other thing that is important: evidently, there is an Order not to touch us. I believe it is a good sign.

Russian Official: For now – yes, but should things shift, then we are guaranteed a spot on the list of ‘agents of influence.” . . .

Butina: It’s better to keep a low profile now. For some time. You probably got in trouble because of that nasty leak? Sorry. . . .

Act Two: The Spy Ate My Homework.

The FBI has uncovered electronic communications revealing Butina’s involvement in the planning of the covert influence operation with U.S. Person 1. This series of communications included a discussion about how Butina could best enter and remain in the United States. Butina chose a student visa from a range of options for her ultimate application, but not before a lengthy discussion of the risks associated with traveling to the United States repeatedly on a tourist visa. The FBI has discovered text messages and emails between U.S. Person 1 and Butina in which Butina would routinely ask U.S. Person 1 to help complete her academic assignments, by editing papers and answering exam questions.

Act Three: Lie Back, Dear, And Think Of Russia.



During the course of this investigation, the FBI has determined that Butina gained access through U.S. Person 1 to an extensive network of U.S. persons in positions to influence political activities in the United States. Butina, age 29, and U.S. Person 1, age 56, are believed to have cohabitated and been involved in a personal relationship during the course of Butina’s activities in the United States. But this relationship does not represent a strong tie to the United States because Butina appears to treat it as simply a necessary aspect of her activities. For example, on at least one occasion, Butina offered an individual other than U.S. Person 1 sex in exchange for a position within a special interest organization. Further, in papers seized by the FBI, Butina complained about living with U.S. Person 1 and expressed disdain for continuing to cohabitate with U.S. Person 1.

The unfortunate U.S. Person 1 is said to be Paul Erickson, a notorious conservative operative from South Dakota. The ever-essential Marcy Wheeler points us to a piece from The Rapid City Journal back in February that gives us the skinny on Erickson. His career already had brought him into contact with interesting people before he ever met Butina.

John Wayne Bobbitt was asleep on June 23, 1993, in Manassas, Va., when his wife, Lorena, used a kitchen knife to cut off his penis. She drove away in a car and threw the penis into a field, where it was found nearly two hours later by a cop and brought to a hospital where Mr. Bobbitt underwent a 9½ hour reattachment surgery. One of the surgeons involved in the operation was David Berman, who realized afterward that Bobbitt, who was 26 years old at the time, would need help dealing with a growing media horde and with legal matters (Lorena Bobbitt would be charged but found not guilty of malicious wounding, and John would be charged and acquitted of rape). In a recent interview with the Journal, Berman said he dined socially a day or two after the surgery with Jack Abramoff, Erickson’s friend who lived relatively nearby in Silver Spring, Md. Berman said he and Abramoff discussed Bobbitt’s need for representation.

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Erickson said he was brought into the Bobbitt saga through his connection with Jack Abramoff’s brother, Bob. Soon, reporters were referring to Erickson as Bobbit’s “media adviser,” “entertainment lawyer” or “agent.”

Media reports said Erickson booked Bobbitt on an international “Love Hurts” tour, during which Bobbitt sold T-shirts, autographed steak knives and made appearances on programs including “The Howard Stern Show.” “No one who has come to instant celebrity will have systematically exploited as many avenues as John Wayne Bobbitt,” Erickson was quoted as saying at the time.

John Wayne Bobbitt? In this story?

Fire all of them. Now.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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