When I’m on a first date, alarm bells always go off if the woman says, “Let’s play Nixon.” This happened a few weeks ago when I was out with a tax attorney from one of the big midtown firms whom I met on OkCupid. I can understand why she wanted to play, because she was totally great at it. She looked scary with her shoulders hunched over, growling about the press and vowing revenge against the people on her enemies list. But as she started screaming about Jane Fonda and Joe Namath, I thought, Did it even occur to her that maybe I wanted to be Nixon and she could be Kissinger? That set off major alarm bells for me, because the last thing I need in my life is someone who’s inconsiderate.

Illustration by Maximilian Bode

If a woman tells me that she hears voices in her head, I hear something in my head, too; namely, alarm bells. Last December, I was at Chili’s with a Realtor I met on LinkedIn, and out of nowhere she said that she receives commands from Xanatar, a giant silkworm who controls the universe. She said Xanatar tells her to do stuff like jab people with forks and set things on fire, and it was obvious she was telling the truth, because she did both of those things in the course of the evening; i.e., to my arm and my pants. Now, I’ve got nothing per se against a person who talks to a big insect. But, in the two hours we were together, she never once asked me about the giant hermit crab who talks to me, which I’m pretty sure is bigger and more powerful than her precious silkworm. Verdict: alarm bells.

If a woman invites me to her place for dinner, I’ll ask if she wants me to bring anything. I do this for two reasons: (a) to be polite, and (b) to see if her answer sets off any bells of the alarm-like variety. One time I asked this question and the woman e-mailed me back the following list: (1) duct tape, (2) large “contractor style” garbage bags, (3) shovel, (4) chainsaw.

Whoa! Do I need to spell out what that ring-a-ding-ding sound I started hearing was? Not only did I not bring those items but I bailed on dinner and blocked her on Facebook. Maybe I’m too uptight, but I think a first date is a little early in a relationship to expect someone to bring such nice gifts.

I’ve been out with so many women who’ve set off alarm bells that I could write a book about it. In fact, I’m seriously considering penning such a book, called “Alarm Bells.” I’ll sometimes bring up this book project when I’m on a first date, just to see how the woman reacts. Ironically, sometimes the way a date responds to the idea of a book called “Alarm Bells” sets off those same bells themselves. For example, at Applebee’s once, a human-resources lady I met on MapQuest said she “would never read a book like that.” I was, like, “Check, please!” I don’t think I could ever be with someone who doesn’t like to read.

Now, before you start thinking I’m too picky, full disclosure: I know that I’ve set off my share of alarm bells, too. Here’s something about me that could be construed as a bell-ringer: instead of engaging in the small talk that always bogs down a first date, I like to kick the evening off by saying, “Hey, would you like to hump?” You can practically see the alarm bells on some women’s faces when I say this. But the question is going to come up at the end of the evening, so why not bring it up at the beginning and save everyone’s time? I’ve been around the block enough to know that if one half of a couple doesn’t agree with the other half on the topic of humping there’s going to be trouble in paradise.

One last thing about alarm bells. When I tell people about them, they sometimes say that I expect too much from a first date. But a first date gives you only an imperfect snapshot of who a person really is. Her real self—her hopes and dreams, her fears and sorrows—will start to emerge, like a beautiful mosaic, on the second date. I hope to have one someday. ♦