

Riff raff casing San Marino, with ringleader “Chuck” in white

The Pasadena Star-News recently broke a story on San Marino, reporting on how a brave anonymous tipster revealed the city’s plan to build a bikeways network, one that would flood the defenseless little town with “riff raff” from nearby downmarket cities such as Pasadena.

What neither the tipster nor the Star-News could have known is that a cabal of cyclists, many of them disguised as elderly white guys, has been casing the city for years, preparing for this invasion! Under the shallow pretense of a monthly “Vintage Ride,” these desperadoes have been methodically surveying the sacred provinces of San Marino’s innocent gentry.

I know, because, as an investigative reporter, I have chosen to infiltrate this gang and ride with them as they plot their depredations.

And so, to ensure that no one misunderstand the danger of these incursions, I am risking my life to publish the street names and criminal specialties of these malefactors. Brace yourselves for what follows….

“Chuck”—the ringleader of this ruthless band, a retired graphic artist who has worked for the likes of George Lucas and Sports Illustrated, and taught at Art Center College of Design. His lair is a sprawling hovel in the crime-ridden South Pasadena ghetto.

“Charles”—formerly a classical music program director at notoriously-liberal KUSC, now a psychotherapist.

“Aaron”—producer & director usually found lurking in the favelas of the Hollywood studio district.

“Brian”—a librarian at the Los Angeles Public Library, a shadowy organization known to teach immigrants how to read.

“Yvonne”—curator, textiles collection, LACMA.

“James”—mechanical engineer.

“John”—computer programmer.

And so on and on and on….

Let no one be fooled by this band of paunchy grandpas, with their scatter of younger pirates-in-training; the hard-won status of San Marino society is at risk of being elevated considerably by their mere passage through the town!