Sacramento, CA – Tim Duncan had just sat down to enjoy a Sampler Italiano at the local Olive Garden when he was charged with two consecutive technical fouls and was ejected from the premises.

Joey Crawford, who has been following Duncan around for months, has issued a technical foul to Duncan in each of the past 52 days. Crawford began this unprecedented streak shortly after he announced his retirement, which was brought on by nagging jammed finger injuries on both hands due to his aggressive T-ing up style.

“In my final year with the league, I want to continue doing what I’ve been doing my whole career,” Crawford told reporters, “knocking that smug prick down a peg or two.”

In just this short trip to Sacramento, Crawford has already ejected the Big Fundamental from a hotel room, a taxi, and a 24 Hour Fitness locker room. Adding insult to injury, Crawford did not allow Duncan to dress himself before ejecting him. When reached for comment, Duncan was only wearing a towel. He said, “Jojo is doing it for the love of the game, and you have to respect that.” He then looked over his shoulder, “Joey’s gone. I’m going to see if I can get some roller food from that 7-11 before he shows back up.”

The future Hall of Famer then sprinted, barely clothed, into a nearby convenience store. Moments later, he was seen leaving, head hung in shame. Crawford followed him out, whistling emphatically. Crawford told reporters, “If I could eject that bastard from the whole fucking planet, I would.”