Theresa May confirms Tory leadership bid

Theresa May, the Conservative MP for Maidenhead, has thrown her hat into the ring to become the next Prime Minister.

Mrs May, 153, has been the MP for Maidenhead since the early twentieth century, and feels the time is right to step up to the role of party leader. Again.

“The choice is a clear one,” she told her bathroom mirror, tears streaming down down her cheeks.

“A strong and stable government under my leadership, or chaos with anyone else.

“Brexit means Brexit, and I will deliver it to the people. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Brexit means Brexit. Yes.”

Sobbing, she went on, “I promise to lead the party well and will never dance again. I promise.”

Philip then entered and put a comforting arm around his wife’s crumpled, dejected frame.

“Come on, old girl, let’s get you home. Our actual home, that is. I’m afraid we have to leave Number Ten now.”

As he took her arm and led her out to the car, Theresa could be heard to utter, “Ok, OK. Just not Boris. For the love of God, don’t let it be Boris.”