WE’RE PLAYING KANSAS STATE ON BILL SNYDER’S 78TH BIRTHDAY!?!

Paleolithic Bill Snyder was born on October 7, 1939. He was on year 13 of his college coaching career (at North Texas, under Hayden Fry) when a young Tom Herman was born. He was already in third grade when the very old, very senile President was born (and Bill Snyder curates the exactly antithetical, totes adorable twitter).

He’s somehow get all of his wits about him, he’s got his windbreaker (low of 70, can chill old bones), and he’s got at least one 4-star recruit.

Caravaning south with the nigh-Octogenarian is a QB named Jesse Football who accounts for 110% of his teams’ offense (the WR drops take the number back to around 95). Hopefully, he brings that 37.8% completion rate with him. When not dropping passes, Pringle, Zuber, and the rest of the WR core… ahhh, we can save those jokes for Better Know A Roster down below. You can be sure Snyder will have Wildcat nation Powercatting into Austin buoyed by wins in 5 of the last 7 matchups. He beat Charlie (2-1), Mack (5-3), and he smells fresh blood.

Heck, the Cats have won their last six games against teams from Texas, including all five major FBS programs in the state last season (Texas, Texas A&M, TCU, Texas Tech, Baylor).

But this is a new era. Tom Herman is a genius, and he is too close to being a millennial to properly respect his elders.

Happy Caturday and Hook ‘em.

A BILL IN HISTORY:

We’ve established that Billy is old. So old that when we told him that we were going to do an “oral history of Bill Snyder” - he said “Huh? Can you repeat that?” and then we said “we’re going to do an Oral. History” and he said “I remember his rookie year for the Dodgers” and we said “Not Orel Hershiser! An ORAL HISTORY!” and he said “yes, I definitely donated to his cause…saw him on the TV raising children from the dead” and we said “not fraudulent televangelist and Carnival Barker Oral Roberts! ORAL HIS-TORY” and then he said “yes, I do have some” and pulled some Orajel from his windbreaker pocket (amidst a handful of those strawberry candies that aren’t actually for sale, they just sprout in the homes of the elderly).

...So instead, here are some facts about just how times have changed since Bill got to this earth.

Bill Snyder is ten years older than the Barcode.

Bill was alive before Germany annexed Western Poland.

Bill never enjoyed Totino’s Pizza Rolls growing up - the restaurant that would later become the Totino's wouldn’t arrive for decades. Also, he couldn't have made any because THE MICROWAVE OVEN was not yet invented.

Surprisingly, Bill Snyder did not attend Kansas State University, but don’t blame him - KSU was still Kansas State College of Agriculture and Applied Science until 1959.

Bill Snyder is so incredibly old that he actually witnessed the last Texas A&M national championship when he was 3 months. We’d like to think he’s spent the rest of his life making sure it would never happened again. Thanks Bill! Long may he live!

Better Know a Roster

There’s really only one name to know in Manhattan, Kansas, and we’ve already spent a great deal of time discussing him.

As for the rest:

Nick Ast (QB, FR) - He Ast, my dude.

Isaiah Zuber (WR, SO) Adam Holtorf (OL, SO) - The poor Lyft driver who goes from dropping off drunken Kansas Ag students to the Frenchman in town for ACL “Mon frere, are you Zuber? Oui? Please take me back to ze Holtof woad.”

Chabastin Taylor (WR, FR) - Best friend of Aric, Jaycobb, Zackaree, and Kamryn.

Byron Pringle (WR, JR) - Once you block, the run don’t stop.

BroganBarry (DB, SR) - Try the new Extreme! Flavor of Cap’n Crunch, now with Jagermeister & Fireball!

Bernard Goodwater (WR, FR) - Famous surname of Tom Brady’s favorite sunscreen.

Harrison Creed (OL, FR) - The new complex anti-hero coming to FX this January. Tagline: every man has a Creed. But not every man is one.

Eli Huggins (DT, FR) - The less complex anti-hero, who just can’t stop hugging...coming to CBS.

Trent Tanking (LB, SR) - Following the Sam Hinkie model...Though someone should tell him that Trusting the Process means something very different in CFB.

Blaise Gammon (TE, SO) - I believe the Pregamer has a long and distinguished track-record of dudes named Blaise. You and the Lynx, Jace, and Brogans of the world can go play Frogger on Mopac.

Tom Killilea (OL, FR) - Run, Ilea! Tom’s coming for you!

Sam Sizelove (LB, JR) - Longtime friend of the Pregamer, and LONG time friend of the ladies.

Dayton Valentine (TE, JR) - For whatever reason, Sizelove has never been single on Feb. 14th.

Around the World

Predictions

Kyle Carpenter: What is Tom Herman hiding behind that sweet, sweet goatee? A small, purple lightning bolt. Mack and Charlie slowly destroyed the horcruxes...finish the job, Tommy Potter. Texas by a Quidditch goal (I was never allowed to read the books as a kid...that’s 10, right?)

TejasChaos: If I remember correctly, 25 years is traditionally a silver gift, 50 for gold, but on the 78th you just beat them at a game of football. Let’s do our part.

VY Pump Fake: YOU SHALL NOT PASS, without one wizard Bill Snyder joke. Texas by 3.

Parting Shot:

Don't do drugs kids pic.twitter.com/2opXx6sd1i — Caleb Heiman (@caleb_heiman16) September 9, 2017

If only DeShonn would’ve been there to intercept him.