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VAPID TWUNT, TEXAS — This morning, right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributor Tabasco Lahren told Fox & Friends that she didn’t watch the Oscars, hosted by Jimmy Kimmel on ABC last night. Kimmel’s monologue included comedic jabs at President Trump, Vice President Pence, and the Republican Party. But Tributary told the Fox hosts she missed the entire awards show, despite earlier tweets about it.

Oscar Day! Can’t wait to watch a bunch of entitled Hollywood liberals dedicate another award show to their Trump obsession 👏🏼 — Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) March 4, 2018

“Um, I like, totally didn’t end up watching the Hollyweird Snowflake Awards, Brian,” Ms. Lahren told Brian Kilmeade this morning. “I wasn’t about to subject myself to the godless sexual deviants on parade, not on the Lord’s Day. So I did something patriotic.”

The hosts asked Tambourine what she did with her time instead of watching the Oscars.

“I watched some old tapes of Dear President, of course,” Lahren responded. “Specifically, I watched that Access Hollywood tape. And I’ve got to say, I’m so glad I didn’t watch a bunch of people tell me that I have to accept gay people and instead listened to the future President of the United States brag about grabbing women’s genitalia and getting away with it only because he’s a celebrity…wait a minute.”

Suddenly, Tilapia went quiet. Reportedly, everyone behind the scenes at Fox & Friends grew nervous, having never experienced a moment with Lahren that wasn’t filled with at least some high-pitched screeching or screaming. Lahren put her finger to her forehead, as she’d seen people with human brains do to indicate they were thinking.

“Wait. Orange Daddy was on a show called Access Hollywood, and the libtards are meeting in Hollywood for their snowflake awards,” Lahren said, as if she was a character on Scooby Doo, piecing together a mystery in her head. “And that was because at the time he was on a bigly NBC show called The Apprentice. Which means he was in the entertainment industry, which means…he was in the Libtarded Mainstream Establishment press! WAIT, WOULDN’T THAT MEAN…HE USED TO BE…ONE OF THEM! OH NO!”

Suddenly, Fox & Friends went to commercial. When they came back, the hosts resumed interviewing Trichonosis, except in her place was a broomstick in a Nazi uniform hooked up to a speaker that blared Breitbart headlines. Fox News execs report there were no calls from viewers, wondering what had happened to Tilamook Lompoc.

“Look, all I can say is this,” Lahren said after the commercial break. “I know good, clean, ammo hoarding, pubescent girl chasing patriots like Roy Moore wouldn’t be on the Oscars, so why would a Bible loving, gun clinging conservative like me put my eyeballs on that wretched celebration of amorality and disgusting behavior?”

Tibia paused for a moment.

“Some women want to be moved on like a bitch,” Lahren said emphatically, “and if my president wants to grab me by my pussy, then hand me a red, white, and blue thong, bitches, and he can grab away. Anything to stop Sharia Commie Mom Jean Wearing Obama from coming back to put a Muslim Voodoo hex on us, am I right?”

The Fox & Friends hosts all mumbled and nodded as a commercial about buying gold in a bunker made from recycled Cold War era ICMBs came on.

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