NOTE: This script ALSO has an expanded Authors' Cut available to all our Patrons. You can check it out here

FADE IN:

TITLE CRAWL

After a period of great darkness, the STAR WARS FRANCHISE has been revived by the successful repackaging of EPISODE IV. Now, the REBEL BASE has been found and must evacuate while under attack, which sounds like how EPISODE V started but DON'T WORRY, we won't follow it with a Jedi wannabe training with a cranky old Jedi master in a remote wilderness planet while the remaining cast are constantly on the run from the enemy fleet, eventually driven to seek help from a charismatic criminal who betrays them OH GODDAMMIT TO FUCK

EXT. HIGH IN ORBIT ABOVE THE REBEL BASE PLANET

Hero X-Wing pilot OSCAR ISAAC confronts a FIRST ORDER DREADNOUGHT armed only with his GODLIKE FLYING PROWESS, his trusty droid BEACHBALL-8, and some CHEESY JOKES.

OSCAR ISAAC

Plus I can do a controlled skid against the frictionless nothing of space!! Oh we are totes gonna frag this thing!

CARRIE FISHER

(on main cruiser)

Erm, seeing as how it's preparing to vaporize our fleet, mind if WE all fuck off and you catch up later? We know X-Wings have hyperspace capability after all.

OSCAR ISAAC

Aw c'mon, it'll be cool! Stay and watch, pleeeease? Go, bombers!

The REBEL BOMBERS begin their SLOW, REALLY SLOW, SO VERY VERY SLOW, LIKE DID SOMEBODY FORGET TO ATTACH FUCKING ENGINES TO THESE GODDAMN THINGS, BOMBING RUN!

BOMBER PILOT

Holy shit the dreadnought could thwart this whole attempt by gently coasting backwards. Or drifting sideways. Could someone give us a push?

OTHER BOMBER PILOT

Don't forget to fly in super tight formation, so a simple chain reaction can destroy almost all of us! And to approach head-on, the dumbest possible attack angle for these molasses-fuelled slugbuckets!

ANOTHER BOMBER PILOT

And why the fuck are we "dropping bombs" like WWII planes anyway? We'd be better off firing them out of a T-shirt cannon.

BOMBER GUNNER VERONICA NGO

God damn this whole sequence sucks so hard!! I'm blowing it all up right the fuck now so we never have to see these fucking piece of shit bombers ever again!!

VERONICA heroically EXPLODES her BOMBER and takes out the DREADNOUGHT! The REBEL FLEET hyperdrives away and FIRST ORDER THIRD BANANA DOMHNALL GLEESON gets an angry call from CGI ANDY SERKIS.

DOMHNALL GLEESON

Not to worry Supreme Leader.

(evilly)

We have them tied upon a string!

CGI ANDY SERKIS

Ooh, like there's a traitor? Or some Jedi mind link that Adam's doing? Something clever and devious?

DOMHNALL GLEESON

We have a gizmo that tracks them.

CGI ANDY SERKIS

Oh.

EXT. SAINT LUKEIA ISLAND

We pick up from EXACTLY where we left off, implying that DAISY RIDLEY and MARK HAMILL have been staring at each other for days while the REBELS went from triumphant victory to getting their asses kicked.

DAISY RIDLEY

Oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Hamill, I’m such a big fan, would you sign my lightsaber??

MARK HAMILL

Sure thing kid.

(draws cartoon dick on hilt)

Now piss off, twiggy, I gotta lay down some Adventure Time lines.

(retreats to ancient Jedi recording booth)

(locks door)

Undeterred, DAISY camps out and then doggedly stalks MARK during his daily routine on the island full of PORGS, adorable animals that nest everywhere they can including under your tree this Christmas!

MARK HAMILL

Every day I milk this cow-like beast that sits casually upright and makes the whole thing kind of weird. Then I use a ten-mile-long pole to spear a fish instead of just Force-grabbing it. I am assisted by these alien nuns that are literally wearing nun outfits from Earth.

ALIEN NUNS

(singing)

How do you solve a problem like the Jedi?

How do you strike a balance in the Force?

How do you find the words that mean the Jedi?

Some affable fuckups? Some well-meaning wimps? Or worse?

INT. FIRST ORDER FLEET - CGI ANDY SERKIS'S BIG RED ROOM

ADAM DRIVER is summoned before CGI ANDY SERKIS who is wearing his spiffiest HUGH HEFNER OUTFIT complete with SNOKEING JACKET.

CGI ANDY SERKIS

Right, time for our weekly pep talk! Adam, your helmet is stupid and you suck. Fuck you.

ADAM DRIVER

At least my face doesn't look like I'm turning into the Thing. What's your deal anyway?

CGI ANDY SERKIS

Who knows, I'm hideous and evil and bwah ha ha, etc. It's not like anyone really cares, right?

(shrugs)

INT. REBEL FLEET

Meanwhile JOHN BOYEGA has TOTES RECOVERED from his injuries!

JOHN BOYEGA

Chalk another one up to awesome Star Wars medical tech that can make blasted spines good as new, but not Adam Driver's face! So how're we all doing?

BILLIE LOURD

Not great. Somehow the First Order followed us through hyperspace, which is ridiculous! You'd have to be a reclusive unknown mechanic to have even HEARD of some crazy tech that could do that!

The FIRST ORDER attacks! ADAM DRIVER attacks in his personal fighter while SPINNING CRAZY FAST just to make sure he can't AIM FOR SHIT. He gets a bead on the COMMAND BRIDGE!

ADAM DRIVER

Can't... bring myself... to fire! Seriously I am NOT gonna be the asshole who kills Carrie in her final movie.

But other goober ships DO shoot the bridge, sucking CARRIE and ADMIRAL ACKBAR (way to go out like a champ buddy) and various others into SPACE!! CARRIE begins freezing to death!

CARRIE FISHER

Shit, this is just like Guardians of the Galaxy. Wait, that gives me an idea. I’M MARY POPPINS Y’ALL!

CARRIE floats herself back on board having FINALLY decided to use her FORCE POWERS after thirty-odd years.

EXT. SAINT LUKEIA ISLAND

CHEWBACCA sits down for a satisfying meal of ROAST PORG when he sees other PORGS giving him sad faces.

CHEWBACCA

Dudes, I already KILLED and COOKED these ones. You don't want them to have died for nothing, right? Right?

(pause)

Yeah thought so GLOMPH CHOMP BLORMPH

(chows down)

ROMMPLFHH YUM SPLOMMF AW YEAH THAT'S THE STUFF

(crams face with Porg-meat)

(belches)

Meanwhile R2-D2 reminds MARK that we all know he's going to eventually train DAISY so maybe JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.

MARK HAMILL

Daisy, I will agree to teach you... three lessons. But we will only get around to two lessons. FIRST LESSON! Sit on this special rock and reach out with your feelings, so you can use the Force.

DAISY RIDLEY

I thought I figured that part out myself last movie.

MARK HAMILL

Doesn't count until it's been Hamsplained to you. Now what do you sense about the island?

DAISY RIDLEY

There's mountains. And buildings. And... a dark place. A hidden, dark place, tucked away in your small house, a box full of Jawa porn and autoerotic-Forcechoke videos and

MARK HAMILL

Oh wow you went RIGHT THERE. Fucking hell. Didn't even TRY not to invade my privacy. Jesus fuck.

(shakes head)

Right, your second lesson is you go teach yourself lightsaber duelling by fighting a rock while I occasionally show up to rant about how the Jedi suck balls. Bye.

INT. REBEL FLEET

New leader LAURA DERN addresses the troops.

LAURA DERN

Carrie is in stable condition in the medical bay of this ship and not the medical ship. In the meantime we'll continue running away at full non-lightspeed so that the chase scene can stretch over the entire movie. It worked for Fury Road right?

JOHN tries to sneak away in a pod but is stopped by KELLY MARIE TRAN!

KELLY MARIE TRAN

Hold it right there! We can't have people escape, we need the entire Resistance in one place so we can all die together and give the First Order a decisive victory. Where do you think you're going?

JOHN BOYEGA

I don't want Daisy flying into a trap. Look!

(reveals beacon)

With this simple device she can locate us no matter how far away, or how many hyperspace jumps we've done. Yes, no amount of hyperspace will stop Daisy from knowing where we are.

(smiles)

(pause)

But on to more pressing matters, like how the fuck could the First Order find us after we jumped through hyperspace?!?? That's COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE!!

KELLY MARIE TRAN

They're tracking us through hyperspace? This might be a wild hunch but maybe they have one of those hyperspace tracking gizmos I've heard about!

JOHN BOYEGA

Now that you mention it, I know exactly where that classified hi-tech gizmo would be because I was a grunt-level trooper!

They rush to tell OSCAR ISAAC and BB-8!

OSCAR ISAAC

This is awesome! Stupid First Order, letting the rank and file know about their big secret plans! They suck so hard! Only complete idiots would do that, ha ha!!

JOHN BOYEGA

The trick is getting on board. Let's call up Lupita for ideas, even though she was Han's contact and barely knows us! I hope we remember we have her number later when we're desperately calling for aid.

CGI LUPITA NYONG'O

(on Skype)

Oh hello, I'm having a big laser fight but luckily I keep my selfie stick on me at all times. How can I help?

JOHN BOYEGA

We need to sneak through Snoke's ship's shields, try saying THAT five times fast, do you know anyone who could break their codes?

CGI LUPITA NYONG'O

Hm, you don't want any old code breaker. You need a... MASTER breaker. And the best master breakers are found at a certain casino where they dress up and all master break together.

JOHN BOYEGA

I like this plan, so long as we agree to always say master CODE breaker.

OSCAR ISAAC

We can't tell Laura Dern about this! She'd never let two whole people leave the group just because it might possibly save everyone's life.

KELLY MARIE TRAN

Should we at least tell her we figured out there's only one active tracking device? Then the fleet could split up and-

OSCAR ISAAC

NOPE NOPE off you go! You can sneak away on this smaller ship with lightspeed capability and nobody on either side will notice and holy fuck we should be ferrying people off this ship like RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

INT. CASINO OF STUPID BULLSHIT

JOHN, KELLY, and BB-8 barge into the BULLSHIT CASINO full of REJECTED "DELGO" CONCEPT ART and are IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED for ILLEGAL PARKING, and really, the LESS said about this stupid casino, the BETTER. They get thrown in VERY DARKLY LIT JAIL along with BENICIO DEL TORO!

KELLY MARIE TRAN

Well shit, now we'll never get the master CODE breaker.

BENICIO DEL TORO

Oh I can do that, watch as I open up the jail! I could have escaped days ago but I wanted to show off to someone.

They begin ESCAPING!! JOHN and KELLY wind up in the STABLES full of giant mistreated animals.

KELLY MARIE TRAN

We should do the right thing and free them! Which can also be how we save ourselves, but y'know, altruism!

They free the ANIMALS and then help them EVEN MORE by riding them into WALLS and WINDOWS and CARS and HOLY FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THESE POOR CREATURES OR WHAT. BB-8 and BENICIO (BB-9?) grab a ship and they all fly off, yay!

EXT. ST. LUKEIA ISLAND

Meanwhile, DAISY and ADAM have been FORCETIMING each other between classes.

ADAM DRIVER

I thought about sending you a dick pic but instead I'm going with no shirt. Whaddya think?

DAISY RIDLEY

I think you're a dirty rotten no-good horrible monster that, um, perhaps requires closer examination, THAT'S what!!

(sighs)

This place isn't what I hoped. Mark won't help the Resistance, I'm not getting any answers, I'm just so... frustrated, you know?

ADAM DRIVER

(tearing off clothes)

GO ON

But MARK shows up and totally TWATBLOCKS DAISY!! They FIGHT!

DAISY RIDLEY

Admit it Mark! You tried to kill Adam when he was your student!

MARK HAMILL

Okay okay, I might have BRIEFLY thought about it. If you have kids some day, you'll understand. But I also saw that Adam is beyond saving, he's pure evil! Especially now that he killed his Dad!

DAISY RIDLEY

And yet YOU managed to save a full-blown Sith Lord who'd murdered a schoolful of innocent children. And who was responsible for the deaths of most of the Jedi, hundreds of thousands of Rebels, the woman he loved, assorted underlings, and oh yeah THE ENTIRE PLANET OF ALDERAAN.

MARK HAMILL

(pause)

You are NEVER hearing the Joker voice now.

DAISY fucks off in the FALCON and MARK gets a visit from YODA!

YODA

LEARNING TREE, FUCKED YOU ARE

(destroys Jedi tree with... lightning blast? okay)

Mark, your purpose see not you do. Much money to be made there is. Sequels, exist they must.

MARK HAMILL

I'm just concerned our legacy is one of constant failure. I mean, after 1980 anyway.

YODA

Dispense with forced sentence structure I shall. Look dude, everyone's plans in this whole movie tend to fail spectacularly, haven't you noticed? Maybe I can help spell it out for everyone, dealing with failure and learning from it is kind of the point of this whole thing. Ermagerd, it's a movie with actual mature themes, blergh blargh!! Mah brain!!

MARK HAMILL

Isn't there a bright light calling you or some shit?

INT. REBEL FLEET

OSCAR discovers that LAURA is preparing to evacuate the crew!

OSCAR ISAAC

This is bullshit! Stupid Resistance, not letting the rank and file know about their big secret plans! We suck so hard! Only complete idiots would do that, goddammit!!

LAURA DERN

As it happens this is only part of a bigger secret plan and at this point, it would probably be the smart move to tell you the whole thing, so I won't.

OSCAR ISAAC

My anger in you not sharing your plan only reinforces my conviction that I was justified not sharing my plan! Especially since there was no way we could have tried both plans at once, except we're doing just that!

(into radio)

John do you read? Laura is secretly evacuating everyone!! Did Benicio hear that behind you? DID YOU AND ANYONE ELSE LISTENING GET THAT SECRET PLAN I JUST BLABBED ON AN OPEN CHANNEL?!?

OSCAR attempts to lead a MUTINY but CARRIE FISHER wakes up and STUN-BLASTS him.

CARRIE FISHER

Wow, it only took us 40 years to remember the stun setting exists.

INT. BIG EVIL SNOKE SHIP

DOMHNALL GLEESON

Destroying the Rebels one ship at a time is taking FOREVER. Just for kicks do we wanna try sending a Destroyer at lightspeed ahead of the remaining fleet, cut them off? Or maybe call in other Destroyers to intercept? Anything like that? No?

Elsewhere, what might be a SPACESHIP is actually an IRON, but not a VACUUM CLEANER because that would be SPACEBALLS. JOHN, KELLY, BB-8, and BENICIO reach the GIZMO ROOM but are discovered by evil droid BB-666!

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

(arriving dramatically)

Now you're fucked! Hope you like my brand new shiny armour. I am of course the only one allowed to wear it, since it's laser-proof and all.

Outside the ship, the FALCON appears!

DAISY RIDLEY

Okay Chewie, drop me off here so I can confront Adam. Then maybe fly over to the Rebel Fleet and use this fully-fuelled fastest-ship-ever to ferry some Rebels to safety HA HA HA HA no go jerk it somewhere till I come get you.

DAISY gets herself captured and taken by ADAM before CGI ANDY SERKIS.

ADAM DRIVER

See, now we're doing the end of Return of the Jedi. This way maybe we can finally be done with the old movies and try something new next time. Maybe a "Say Anything" meets "Breakfast Club" scenario where-

DAISY RIDLEY

Save your breath. I foresaw that you will turn to my side.

ADAM DRIVER

Yeah, well, I foresaw YOU turning to MY side!

DAISY RIDLEY

Well I know you are but what am I?

ADAM DRIVER

WELL YOU HAVE COOTIES AND ARE A POOPY FACE

CGI ANDY SERKIS

SILENCE!! Foolish children, I have orchestrated ALL OF this. My awesome powers allow me to know what everyone's thinking, in not QUITE enough detail! For instance, I know Adam is going to kill somebody IN THIS ROOM, using a lightsaber that's somewhere IN THIS ROOM, and his victim will be English AND IN THIS ROOM, and that person's first name will end in "Y", and-

(dead)

ADAM and DAISY team up to murder CGI ANDY'S contemporary dance assassin troupe! When the dust clears ADAM has DAISY'S lightsaber and ADAM'S lightsaber is lying around somewhere.

DAISY RIDLEY

Wow I'm amazed you killed Serkis off just like that.

ADAM DRIVER

What, like how Obi-Wan died from one lightsaber strike? How Boba Fett got killed by a fluky accident? How Darth Maul got chopped in half? How the Emperor got picked up and thrown down a hole?

DAISY RIDLEY

Okay maybe I'm not that amazed. But I'm still not teaming up with you!

ADAM DRIVER

But I know the true secret of your parents. The secret we built up all last movie, and all this movie up till now. The big huge shocking secret that I'll now reveal. Right now. Here we go. THEY WERE... boring regular awful people, wah waaaahh.

DAISY RIDLEY

As anticlimactic as that is, gotta say that I'm also relieved not to be a Kenobi or Hutt or whatever. Not everyone has to be related to everyone else, this isn't Piers Anthony.

ADAM DRIVER

So... will you join me?

DAISY RIDLEY

(smiles)

Why, I'd be happy to take a grip on that firm hard LIGHTSABER, HA!

ADAM and DAISY struggle mightily for control of DAISY'S LIGHTSABER while apparently forgetting there is also ADAM'S LIGHTSABER just sitting there.

INT. REBEL FLEET

OSCAR wakes up and everyone is COOL with each other again.

CARRIE FISHER

Now we can tell you the real plan. The transports are going to an old Rebel base. Being sensor-cloaked and small, the First Order won't notice them, they'll stay fixated on the main cruiser--

OSCAR ISAAC

--and then the main cruiser will go lightspeed and the Order will follow, leaving the transports free and clear! Good plan!

CARRIE FISHER

Er no, the cruiser will keep chugging along slowly and we'll hope none of the Order bridge crew look outside to see the plainly visible transports. Besides, we burned up all our fuel, we can't go to lightspeed except in a few minutes when we do.

LAURA DERN

Quickly! You must all escape while I hold the door...

(coughs)

hold door...

(coughs again)

Holdo... ahem, sorry, had a frog in my throat. But yes, I must stay behind to pilot the main ship. And by "pilot" I mean stare out a window.

INT. SNOKE SHIP

Back at the SNOKEHOUSE, we learn BENICIO has sold out the REBELS' SECRET TRANSPORT PLAN to save himself!

JOHN BOYEGA

Dammit! This is why you don't tell rank and file grunts about big secret plans! We suck so hard!

FIRST ORDER GUY

Sir we ran a cloaking scan and spotted the cloaked ships, which suggests we should do cloaking scans all the time, and also that Rebel cloaking technology is bullshit.

DOMHNALL GLEESON

Right! Begin picking off the Rebel transports one by one! Destroy them at a rate which should wipe them all out in less than a minute, but make it last ten minutes! And make sure you leave the main-character ship for last!

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

Instantaneous blaster death is too good for these Rebel scum! Instead I sentence them to instantaneous laser-axe death!

However LAURA DERN eventually decides that watching FIFTEEN TRANSPORTS get blown up is just ONE TOO MANY! With solemn determination, she turns the cruise towards the FIRST ORDER FLEET and activates the LIGHTSPEED JUMP, neatly punching a MASSIVE HOLE in EVERY STAR WARS PLOT because apparently ANY SHIP can be turned into a FLEET-KILLING SPACE NUKE if you POINT IT and PUSH GO seriously WHY DO YOU NEED A DEATH STAR when you can just FUCK IT YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS AWESOME DEAL WITH IT.

The SNOAK SHIP starts BLOWING UP EVERYWHERE! JOHN and GWENDOLINE fight and JOHN gets pushed off an EDGE, OH NO!

JOHN BOYEGA

Luckily I fell onto a slowly levitating platform which is still working while everything else is fucked!

(bashes Gwendoline)

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

(falling into giant fireball)

OH PLEASE I SURVIVED A WHOLE PLANET EXPLODING I'LL BE BAAAAACK

Oh and also DAISY and ADAM got knocked out when her lightsaber SPLIT IN TWO but DAISY got knocked out into an escape shuttle that flew off to safety while ADAM just got regular knocked out.

INT. RETRO REBEL BASE

The remaining REBELS reach the BASE and call for help!

BILLIE LOURD

Dammit, the First Order revoked the subspace transceiver neutrality regulations, they're throttling our signal! Plus they gave us a Reddit hug which is crashing our server!! Did anyone hear us?

OSCAR ISAAC

Yes, but the people who want to help are busy fighting with the people whining about how Star Wars has women now and Luke's cock isn't throbbing enough or some bullshit. We're on our own!

JOHN, KELLY, and BB-8 crashland into the BASE, adding THREE REBELS to the fight at the cost of only HALF A HANGAR'S WORTH OF GEAR! As the FIRST ORDER prepares their assault the REBELS leap into defensive positions!

TRENCH SOLDIER

Huh what's that crazy red stuff on the ground.

(tastes)

Salt. Pwuh! Hey what's that?

(licks small lizard)

Yecch. Can't feel my tongue. Oh I wonder what this is.

(eats fungus off trench wall)

Mmmm-MMMM!!

(dies)

OSCAR leads a squad of LANDSPEEDERS that are stuck on LAND and would seem to be utterly FUCKED going up against TIE FIGHTERS that can FLY and attack from ABOVE and shit... and indeed they ARE, until!

DAISY RIDLEY

We're back with the Falcon! And even though I proved my piloting skill last movie and Chewie has known the gunning system for decades, he's flying and I'm shooting!

CHEWBACCA leads the TIE FIGHERS away with some SUPER SLICK PILOTING while sitting in his USUAL SEAT, raising the hilarious possibility that it's ALWAYS been him flying and HAN had just been playing CANDY CRUSH the whole time.

JOHN BOYEGA

That big giant gun is gonna take out our main door! I must sacrifice myself by driving directly into it, from quite far away!

(music swells)

Don't anyone try to stop me! I'm doing this!

(music swells more)

It is odd the First Order hasn't shot me down yet though.

(music keeps swelling)

Those AT-ATs could pick me off like no problem. Oh well, here goes!

But KELLY drives her speeder into JOHN'S and they crash off to the side of the big gun!

JOHN BOYEGA

Kelly, why?

KELLY MARIE TRAN

Because I... love you now? When the fuck did THAT happen?

(passes out)

The BIG GUN punches a hole in the DOOR! Inside the base, all seems lost but then MARK HAMILL arrives!

CARRIE FISHER

Mark, you made it! And you look so much younger, not like the dishevelled drunk you've been impersonating! And you got your lightsaber back somehow!

MARK HAMILL

Yes I, ah, flew here. After the alien nuns gave my beard a trim and colour and put some Oil of Olay de-aging cream on my face. And after I built a whole new lightsaber. My God how are none of you clueing into my plan here.

(pause)

I brought you something, it's Han's old fuzzy dice from the Falcon. Of course they're just a Force projection HA HA PSYCHE oops gave away the big reveal. But I DID take the real dice earlier so who the fuck knows where they are now. Anyway, laters!

(winks at C-3P0)

(leaves)

ANTHONY DANIELS

A wink? That's all I get? Why the fuck was I even in this movie?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

(shrugs)

MARK heroically marches out to the open field and TEN MILLION LASERS shoot at him!

MARK HAMILL

Yawn. Please ignore how I didn't put any visible effort into blocking or deflecting any of that.

ADAM lands his ship to face MARK personally! They STARE at each other!

OSCAR ISAAC

Waitaminnit... Mark's buying time for us to... ESCAPE!!

JOHN BOYEGA

GOSH YOU THINK SO?!? HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING THE RESISTANCE HAS DONE ALL FUCKING MOVIE

The handful of REBELS follow some SWAROVSKI WOLVES to a unguarded unfortified back cave entrance, which makes all the drama with the HUGE GUN and the BIG BLAST FRONT DOOR kind of silly in retrospect. DAISY meets them and they all start piling into the FALCON!

CARRIE FISHER

Lucky enough of us got killed that we can all fit inside!

Meanwhile ADAM continues to square off with MARK.

ADAM DRIVER

Wait a sec. You're not leaving red footprints! And you keep dodging instead of making physical contact of any kind! You're.... a PROJECTION!

MARK HAMILL

AAAND THERE WE ARE! Wow I gotta say everyone here gets a combined score of negative a zillion. Toodles!

(vanishes)

Back on ST. LUKEIA, MARK sees one last vision of TATOOINE and then DIES so good thing he didn't REALLY go in person, he could have DIED.

INT. REBEL BASE

ADAM DRIVER

Shit they've gone. Only these fuzzy dice remain, the memento of Harrison Ford that Carrie cared so much about she left them lying on the floor, where they were Force-projected to fucking nobody in an empty room until I could come and find them, and watch them vanish. Damn you Hamill!! DAMN YOUUUUUUU

DOMHNALL GLEESON

So, ah, the Falcon hasn't actually taken off yet, and it has the entire Resistance on it... did you want to shoot them down maybe? Or hey we still have the hyperspace tracker so we could chase-

ADAM DRIVER

I AM FAR TOO MOPEY FOR ANY FURTHER PURSUIT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON

As the CAST WRAP PARTY begins, CARRIE and DAISY discuss what comes next.

CARRIE FISHER

Don't lose hope Daisy. For as long as somewhere, at least ONE KID has at least ONE PIECE of officially licensed merchandise, all is not truly lost.

DAISY RIDLEY

And I'm sure children everywhere are already telling the story of today, though who knows how since we didn't have time to broadcast anything about what Mark did.

JOHN BOYEGA

(checks phone)

Um Daisy, Adam just changed his Facebook status to "it's complicated" and he's sharing all of your posts, did you guys-

DAISY RIDLEY

Erm well HEY LOOK EVERYONE I BROUGHT MARK'S PORN COLLECTION WITH ME, PRETTY WEIRD SHIT RIGHT

INT. SPACE STABLES

Back at the SPACE STABLES, the orphan kid that helped JOHN and KELLY escape pauses his SWEEPING to watch the MILLENNIUM FALCON travel at lightspeed several systems away using just his regular eyes.

OLI-VAR TWI’IST

This inspires me to pretend my lowly broom is a lightsaber. Today I become... STAR WARS KID!!

GHYSLAIN RAZA

Yeah, you might wanna think twice about that.

END