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Happy Birthday, Return of the Jedi!

And if this doesn't make you feel old, nothing will: 30 years ago this week the iconic conclusion to the original Star Wars trilogy was released, thrilling people with epic space battles, the clash of good and evil and that awesome bit with the giant mouth that eats Boba Fett in the desert.

And yet even while the evil despot Emperor Palpatine plummeted to his doom in the bowels of the Death Star, a blight far more insidious than the Dark Side was taking a grip on the world.

I am talking, of course, about Star Wars merchandise.

OK, in the start it was cool. I had the AT-ST (“Chicken-Walker” to non-nerds) when I was a kid and it was awesome.

Even the naff plastic figures – with their four whole points of articulation and retractable lightsabers – had a certain charm. But now, in a galaxy far, far away, it's gone too far. Far too far.

Even the most basic Google search will reveal the vast swathes of crazy tie-ins that are proud to have the Star Wars logo branded onto their cheap plastic buttocks.

From the shoddy to the shameless to the downright incomprehensible, we've rummaged through the rainy car boot sale of the internet to bring you the most mind-boggling tat we could find.

If you own anything in this list, for the love of Princess Leia please get some help.

C-3PO Tape Dispenser

(Image: Twitter)

Less the kind of thing a proud geek with an excellent work ethic would keep on his desk, more the sort of thing the world's first Star Wars- themed serial killer would cobble together after a particularly vivid nightmare.

Just think about wrapping your Christmas presents using C-3PO's endless crotch tape. Go on. Think about it.

Darth Vader Toaster

Here's a fun piece of trivia to surprise and delight you all: Number of times toast is mentioned in the entirety of Star Wars? Zero.

It's a well-known fact that crispy, delicious buttered toast is criminally underrepresented in the space opera genre, and yet a toaster still seems logical to the geniuses in marketing.

Bear in mind that to get this patchy, off-centre imprint of Vader onto your toast you have to burn it, which is a massive flaw in the design.

Star Wars Cereal

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Sticking with the breakfast theme, what better way to start your day than with a bowl of C-3PO's? In short: Any other way.

Even blackened Vader toast would be better than these hideous Cheerio mis-shapes.

The advert makes a point that these dentist-friendly sugar bombs are “part” of a nutritious breakfast, which is a tacit admission that, in and of itself, a bowl of C-3PO's is not a nutritious breakfast.

Lando Disguise Kit

Lazy. Just lazy.

Star Wars Angry Birds Costume

“What did you do at work today, dear?”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“You seem upset. Oh, do tell me, darling.”

“They... They made me put on a Star Wars Angry Birds costume. It wasn't even a costume! Just a big disc of plastic. They wanted me to grin for the camera, but I couldn't. I was dying inside, Lorraine. Dying. To think I once had such big dreams... And now I'm the Star Wars Angry Birds Costume Guy, and people on the internet are going to laugh at me.”

“Darling?”

“Yes?”

“I think me and the kids are going to go and stay with my sister for a while.”

This illustrates the very real trauma ill-conceived Star Wars merchandise can have on ordinary families.

Darth Vader Mr Potato Head

Pity poor Vader. As if having your one true love cark it while giving birth to a couple of resentful, rebellious twins wasn't bad enough, he now has to suffer the indignity of having his likeness transplanted onto a plastic spud.

Talk about undermining his authority – how are you supposed to take his threats of planetary annihilation seriously when all you can think of is these stubby little legs and googly eyes?

The only logical line of thinking that could have resulted in this hideous synthesis of vegetable and Sith Lord was some bright spark realising that they had not, in fact, tried to sell this idiotic concept before.

Star Wars Trainers

Having already cornered and beaten into a bloody, cashless mess their two key demographics – hyperactive and entitled kids and lonely geeks with disposable income – the heroic boys of the Star Wars marketing division fearlessly decide to get the lucrative Yoof market in their crosshairs.

Ignoring the fact these girl-repellents are already incredibly ugly, it'll be two trips to the park before Han's lovely face on the toe gets all scuffed up and you might as well give them to the dog to play with.

In a similar vein there's a range of Star Wars headphones, which presumably make you a better R2-DJ (chortle).

Star Wars Toilet Paper

Presumably released so fans can know what it feels like to be George Lucas on a daily basis. No idea what Yoda is up to in the corner there, but it looks deeply suspicious.

Darth Vader Burger

To those of you who say Belgium has given nothing to the world I say Fie To You, Sir, and behold the Darth Vader burger!

Belgian fast food chain Quick unveiled this little beauty in 2012, and a nauseous public responded. Mmm! Black! The tastiest of the world's colours.

Accompanied by a piquant pepper sauce, this foulest of creations – so the legend goes – once sent Heston Blumenthal temporarily insane mere moments after he had set eyes on it.

And for those of you with strong stomachs, here's this gastronomic delight, close up, in all it's glory (don't worry if you're feeling queasy, we've provided a Star Wars sick bag...)

Dear Lord God No Burn It Then Pluck Out My Eyes

Presented without comment.