U2 are still sitting around the kitchen table, drinking tepid white wine

and pretending they don’t know that it’s almost three o’clock in the

morning.

As REM left with handshakes and backslaps all round, eyes turned to the ageing Irishmen who now seem to think this is their house.

Party host, Tom Logan, said: “REM were really nice. Didn’t understand a bloody word Michael Stipe was saying, but he was a gentle soul and Peter Buck was kind enough to restrict his vandalism to the downstairs lavatory.”

Guests started to arrive at 8.30pm, including Bare Naked Ladies, who Logan was pretty sure he did not invite, but soon realised they were not doing any harm.

He added: “I had to invite Blur, Oasis and Coldplay because they went to university with my girlfriend. She needs to meet new people.

“The Smiths were here but left about half-nine. Morrissey had to go to an EDL meeting and Johnny Marr just wandered off into the night.

“But REM were the perfect guests. They probably went on about Greenpeace a tad too long, but then Peter got out his guitar and we all sang ‘Don’t Go Back to Rockville’. It was very jolly.

“Main thing was, come three-ish all I had to do was give a tiny little yawn and they were apologising and heading for the door.

“I then wandered into the kitchen, saw U2 round the table, clapped my hands together and said ‘okay, how we doing guys?’.

“Bono stood up, put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘I think we should make a huge pot of macaroni cheese’.

“What am I going to do?”