An Open Letter of Thanks to the Men Who Tell Me Who Paul Thomas Anderson Is

Dear Men,

Thank you for telling me who critically acclaimed, Academy Award-nominated writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson is. Thank you for telling me he’s your favorite director — you must really know your stuff. Here I was floating around with no clue who this guy is — that must be why I literally have a huge gaping hole in my brain: all the missing Paul Thomas Anderson information!

Thank you for making sure I realize I don’t know anything at all about anything and especially not anything about your boy “P.T.” I really am learning so much about film from you, a financial consultant at Goldman Sachs!

I love hearing your hot-take on how Punch-Drunk Love was the film that finally legitimized the career of actor Adam Sandler (star of The Waterboy and Hotel Transylvania 2). About time someone broke that glass ceiling!

I have zero opinions about anything in my teeny Paul Thomas Anderson-less head. Please, tell me more about Boogie Nights. Quote it for me! There wouldn’t be any chance you have fun facts about Mark Wahlberg? I love that. Open your mouth and never close it until you have told me every single thing you know about Boogie Nights.

Thanks for stopping me from blabbering on with my “female” or “professional” perspective (I am a woman and work in the film industry but that’s so random of me to mention I’ll shut up). I like hearing what someone with a Blu-Ray DVD player and one idea for a screenplay about a guy who gets broken up with by a woman with big boobs but still smells her perfume everywhere he goes, like even his barrels of hand-rolled cigarettes start to smell like her, has to say about Boogie Nights.

I haven’t seen Phantom Thread yet, so thank you for describing each scene in detail. I probably wouldn’t have fully understood it on my own. I already forgot what a Paul Thomas Anderson is can you tell me again?

Thanks for still talking about Boogie Nights. Thank you for telling me how perfectly paced Paul Thomas Anderson’s screenplay is. I feel like I’m comprehending words for the first time because it’s coming from the mouth of someone whose mother once told him he’s very artistic.

Thank you for showing me your Magnolia poster.

Thanks for giving me your list of Paul Thomas Anderson’s films ranked best to worst according to you, owner of a Magnolia poster. Thank you for telling me that Boogie Nights is at the top of that list. Thank you for telling me Mark Wahlberg is your favorite actor because of Boogie Nights. Thank you for giving me more fun facts about Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights. I love that. Thanks for explaining the gritty sensitivity of Boogie Nights. Thank you for Boogie Nights. Thanks Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie. Nights. Boogie. Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights Boogie Nights.

Sincerely,

Woman who’s never seen Boogie Nights