RICHMOND, VA—A table of people enjoying a friendly conversation plunged diner John Richards into a deep, bitter resentment Monday that he was completely unable to rationalize. "I can't explain it, but just seeing them there smiling and talking makes me want to kill them all," said Richards, adding that he does not normally think of himself as an absolutely miserable piece of shit. "There's no reason for this. All they're doing is having a nice meal and—oh, you fucking assholes, stop laughing before I stab you in the face. See, there I go again." After changing seats, Richards admitted that the couple sitting across from him staring silently into each other's eyes made him realize that true love is possible between two extremely obnoxious and sickening little pricks.

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