NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad toppings represent everything that is wrong with America today—huh, what am I even talking about?” said the host of Tucker Carlson Tonight, who, after spending the better part of his broadcast warning viewers against the evils of croutons, looked straight into the camera and admitted he had no memory of shifting gears and launching into a speech about how the toasted garnish is a blatant attack on Democratic society. “I know they are an affront to this country. And I know that garlic, Parmesan, and tomato-basil flavors are everything our founding fathers would have hated and fought valiantly against. But this segment was supposed to be about conservatives being persecuted in the workplace, so the connection must be in there somewhere.” At press time, Carlson had reportedly given up attempting to retrace his steps and had instead doubled down and called for a nationwide boycott of every single crouton brand sold in American supermarkets.

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