Dear Tattooed Millennial,

Congratulations on your decision to vote in the upcoming federal election! If every tattooed millennial were to make the leap from body art to electoral participation, youth voter turnout rates would soar and Canada might actually have a new government on Oct. 20.

In order to help you navigate the complexities of this first-time effort, I have created a millennial-minded, tattoo-centric FAQ sheet on voting that I encourage you to read and share with your friends.

How can I tell the difference between a good voting parlour and a bad one?

While Elections Canada favours the term "polling station" over "voting parlour," this is largely an issue of semantics, so please feel free to call it whatever you like. Unlike tattoo parlours, which employ vastly different artistic techniques and where you will find everything from urban squalor to art gallery sterility, polling stations are universally reputable. They are governed by a Byzantine, rule-bound branch of the federal government known as Elections Canada, which shuns improvisation and creativity of any kind. In fact, this old-stock bureaucracy prefers to do the thinking for you: your voter registration card — the floppy piece of paper you might have tossed out along with the fast food flyers stuffed in your mailbox — will tell you where to go on election day.

How long will voting take?

This is highly dependent on what time of day you arrive and where you live. Suffice it to say, getting a tattoo — be it a salamander on your foot, or a sprawling mountainous landscape across your back — takes much, much longer than voting.

Does voting hurt?

Unlike getting a tattoo, voting doesn’t hurt, at least not physically anyway. Many people do report increased feelings of emotional distress, nausea, headaches and irritability, particularly during active campaigning. The extent of this personal anguish varies from person to person, but, for the most part, subsides almost immediately after casting your ballot.

Do I need to tip at polling stations?

No, you do not need to tip at polling stations, and any kind of monetary exchange is strictly forbidden as it may result in charges of bribery, fines, imprisonment or other harsh penalties.

Can I use some kind of numbing cream to dull the discomfort of voting?

You must meet the legal definition of sobriety in order to cast your ballot, but aspirin, pain relievers and other topical analgesics are permissible while voting.

Can my friends vote with me?

Unlike tattoo parlours where friends and visitors are often restricted, Elections Canada encourages broad-based participation. Provided they are 18 years of age or older and have the right identification and their voter registration cards, you can bring as many friends as you like.

I just voted … can I shave my legs?

Yes, absolutely. Shaving, waxing and electrolysis are entirely safe both before and after voting. The removal of unwanted hair has no bearing on the process of voting or the outcome of an election.

Is it OK to go to a tanning bed after I’ve voted?

Health Canada has, in collaboration with the Federal Provincial Territorial Radiation Protection Committee, developed guidelines for tanning salon owners, however such instances of government agencies co-operating with one another are extremely rare. As a result, Elections Canada and Health Canada have made no joint statement or recommendations on the safe use of tanning beds after voting.

Can I get AIDS or hepatitis from voting?

No, you cannot get rashes, skin infections, granulomas, keloids, growths, scar tissue, tetanus, AIDS, hepatitis or any other blood-borne illnesses at a polling station. Only your ballot is breached, not your skin.

Can you buy a voting kit and practise with your friends at home?

Elections Canada has never developed a practice voting kit for home use — please see earlier reference to Byzantine non-creative entity. However, if you feel that role-play will help acculturate you to the act of voting, by all means, do it. A folding table, a good chunk of Bristol board — for a makeshift privacy panel — and some small pieces of paper and very tiny pencils should be all that you need to create a reasonable facsimile of a voting booth. And, unlike stick-and-poke tattoo kits sold for DIY hand-poke tattooing, there should be no risk of sepsis or other infection with your home voting kit.

How will voting help me express my uniqueness and individuality?

A tattoo and a vote are similar in that they are both forms of speaking out: one shouts at the world — especially if it’s a serial killer or something like that — where the other whispers into its ear.

How do I decide who to vote for?

Only you can answer this question, and there is no right or wrong answer. You need only do what you did with your tattoo: make a decision, go out of your house and get it done. Thankfully, while voting can have lasting implications, they are by no means permanent. Elections come around every four years, so you’ll never be stuck with one prime minister for the rest of your life … not even if he’s Stephen Harper.

Michelle Hauser is a freelance writer who lives in Napanee with her husband Mark, their son Joseph and Gramma Harriet. She can be reached at mhauser@hotmail.ca.