It was a sobering day for Cooper Ryan as he opened the pages of The Stranger to find an unfamiliar lineup at this year’s Capitol Hill Block Party.

“I assumed my musical taste had at least four or five more years of relevance,” lamented the rapidly aging millennial as he slipped on his grass-stained New Balance sneakers.



Ryan, who graduated a year ago from the University of Washington with a double major in Nepalese Music Psychology and Ukulele Carpentry, always felt plugged in to the ebbs and flows of the local music scene — until today.

“What happened to bands like Chili Con Chaos, Jeb! or Brigitte Nielsen’s Underground Sexual Inquisition?” Ryan asked quizzically, slipping on a second cardigan. “I think I might just park myself at a nice board game cafe and wait out the crowds. The new Settlers of Catan expansion is out, and these haters ain’t ready for my sheep-based economy. Besides, Elysian is collaborating with Hormel to launch their new ‘Ja-Bacon Me Crazy, Mon’ IPA and I’m ready for exactly one of those bad boys.”

Ryan said he hopes that he may someday revisit the acts of his fading youth when they perform a sensible brunch concert at Chateau Ste. Michelle.

