Join us for our weekly skip through the bountiful fields of fresh gaming joy! Hold our hand as we guide you down the top ten selling games on Steam, to discover which heart-lifting original content has caught the attention of the enthused gaming public! Someone please help me!

Get ready to get demoralised by humanity, in what world-leading experts have labelled, “The worst Steam Charts of ALL TIME.” [their caps]

It’s like Skyrim, but way more annoying to play! Why sit in the comfort of your chair, looking at the screen in front of you, with the option to look over at the clock, or say hi to a friend, with the convenience of a mouse and keyboard to control the complicated RPG system? THAT WOULD BE SO AWFUL!

Instead, you could wear half a ton of plastic on your head, tether yourself to a PC you can’t see by a weirdly heavy cord you can’t see, and then sort of be a bit amazed by the game being all around you even though it’s now far more inconvenient in every imaginable way! It truly is the future of playing seven-year-old games!

Here is a list of amusing things one can say when losing a game of Vermintide 2:

“Oh rats!”

“Tails and whiskers!”

“That one will PLAGUE me!”

“That’s put a ro-DENT in my confidence!”

“I hate this stupid game about rats!”

“It was all that bastard noob’s fault!”

“Fuck this shit!”

[Something racist]

“I would like to formally apologise to all my viewers for my wholly unacceptable racist language, which was said in the heat of the moment and in no way reflects my views. Please advertise with me again now.”

A half price sale caused the very last 34,967 people who haven’t bought Skyrim to buy their copies, and now everyone in the whole world owns it!

Congratulations to Bethesda, and to everyone in the world, and now we can stop writing about it!

Hooray!

Every single week. UNTIL YOU ARE SORRY.

Divinity Original Sin 2 presents me with a dilemma (great cars, by the way). It’s a truly wonderful game, probably the best game of last year, and I so desperately wish there were ways to create pockets in time so I could ever be able to finish it without getting five weeks behind on the rest of my life. But at the same time, any game that appears perennially in the Steam Charts really begins to annoy me, as I have to think of yet another thing to write about it that’s both hilarious AND insightful (cf. all the other entries here).

So what I’m asking is that everyone stop buying this really brilliant game that you will absolutely love. That seems reasonable.

“But why do you even write these enormously popular columns full of jokes where you pretend to be so annoyed at having to write these enormously popular columns, if you don’t want to write them?”

Copy and paste it. Here to help.

I’m not pretending this week. Good lord, can you imagine a more dispiriting collection of obviousness? Quite how GTA V isn’t here this week I cannot understand. But there are still good things in the world!

There was a big sale on Witcher games, and if you managed to work up the excitatory neurotransmitters to fire your neurons to trigger further glutamate receptors and 5-hydroxytryptamine receptors on hearing this news, you might well have bought a copy.

Look, I know there were no major new releases last week or anything, but coooooooome oooooooooooooonnnn people.

5 & 2. Far Cry 5

I finished Far Cry 5 last week, and gosh it’s hard to have a glimmer of respect left for everything that’s genuinely great about it after that. It is by far the game I’ve hated enjoyed playing the most-least. What a colossal mess of lots of fun and absolutely no fun.

Generously allowing some other games in the charts this week, it’s only taking up two spots. And you know what? For that I thank it, because otherwise it’d have been GTA V, and I’d likely have started throwing furniture out of my window, and then screaming swears at passersby in the street below. So it’s not all bad!

This week I am surviving by listening to Jon Hopkins, and so shall you:



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The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.