Patterns of Male Baldness

3.3/10

by Beau Dashington

(assigned by Admiral Fartmore)

Editor’s TRIGGER WARNING: This review may trigger memories of sitting behind bald dudes with hairy backs in yoga class.

Those of you who have read my posts before will already be well aware of the fact that I believe very strongly in the supernatural. Last time I reviewed a spiritual book; I came to some rather shocking conclusions, the most important of which is that I am a horse trapped in a human body.

I was therefore incredibly excited when Admiral Fartmore assigned me to read The Celestine Prophecy, by James Redfield. Truth be told, I’ve been wanting to read the book for years, ever since a guy at a party told me that the book had “changed his life.” He told me that in between sniffs of amyl nitrate (also known as poppers). This is a completely true story. He recommended me the book, then ten years later Admiral Fartmore chose it for me to read here. What a coincidence!

The author, James Redfield. But can we trust a man who can’t even grow his own hair?

The Celestine Prophecy was written in 1993, and was on the New York bestsellers list for a whopping 165 weeks. It is popular with celebrities, and Jay-Z even listed it as one of the books that has most influenced his life. Here’s the basic story. An unnamed male narrator meets a friend, who tells him a rumour about a manuscript in Peru. Dated back to 600 BC, it was written in Aramaic, a language traditionally associated with Mesopotamia rather than the Andes. But don’t worry about that. It’s not important. The Manuscript tells of nine important Insights, each of which reveals important, well, insights into human nature. We learn the First Insight that human consciousness has been evolving. This is deep stuff.

So narrator-man goes to Peru, without really being sure why. As he walks out of the Peruvian airport, he bumps into someone who is also searching for the manuscript. What a coincidence! This person shares with him the Second Insight, which basically says that coincidences are really important. Well, still: what a coincidence!

Just after learning the Second Insight, the narrator bumps into someone else who tells him the Third Insight; that human beings have an energy that flows through us. Want to see the energy for yourself? Hold the tips of your index fingers and let your eyes go out of focus. See that thing floating in between your fingers? That’s energy!

Well, jeez. I mean, I knew that playing touch tips made you feel a special warm energy, I just didn’t realize it was spiritual.

While the narrator is learning these insights, he is pursued by the Peruvian Government and the Catholic Church, both of whom are mortified about what the Manuscript could represent. Eventually we learn the Fourth Insight, that all human conflict is because of this energy, and how we manipulate people into feeling bad so we can suck their energy. The Fifth Insight tells us that we can end this conflict by getting energy from a higher source. Round about this time, I got bored, and I missed a couple of the insights. But it doesn’t matter, because if I learned anything from this book, its that you don’t need goals or even a plot, because if you just do nothing the coincidences will take care of everything for you. That’s the message of this book, right? Just kick back, relax, and let the spiritual insights come to you. Well, I’m convinced.

I was brought back to consciousness on page 164, when Sanchez (not sure who he is) announces that there is a document with the Ninth Insight on it. “Where is it?” Julia asks (no idea who she is either). “At the Celestine ruins,” Sanchez replies. The Celestine Ruins! That word is in the title: this must be important-y!

But there’s one problem: no one knows where that is. Fortunately, however, a passer-by coincidentally mentions that it is very close and he’s going there anyway. What a coincidence! We then learn that the ninth insight will reveal to us where human evolution is going, a new culture that is emerging. We will all get rid of our possessions and whatnot and live in the trees like a bunch of commie monkeys or something.

Finally we learn that not only is this Manuscript a geographical oddity in that was written two and half millenia ago, in a Mesopotamian language in Peru, but that it was actually written by the Maya! This is because – the book tells us, Peru was settled by the Maya. I know what you’re thinking: your fancy-schmancy education told you that the Maya were Mesoamerican and not Andean, and that Aramaic is Mesopotamian and not Andean. Well your problem is that you forgot to learn Insight #8. But it’s okay; I missed that one too and I don’t remember what it was. Its probably about ignoring science facts and trying to remember the energy magic or some shit.

Oh whats that? You don’t think that civilizations from three distinct continents

were connected in 600BC? Well you can fuck off. How about that?

Anyway, they go to the ruins, and they learn the Ninth Insight. One of the team (I want to say Sanchez, but I could be wrong) reaches enlightenment and gets sucked up to heaven. And that’s the end. The narrator gets kicked out of Peru, told “never, never to return”, and he goes off wondering what the Tenth Insight might be.

What an exciting story, right? And I bet I know what you’re thinking next: When will someone finally turn this into a movie? Well guess what: they already did. It has a whopping 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which I think means it is in the 96th percentile, making it one of the best movies of all time. Suck it, Orson Welles.

Wait… Orson Welles was bald later in life… and James Redfield is bald… And while I am writing this review I can see a bald man walking down the street. And I’m listening to A Tribe Called Quest right now, and they are rappers. And Jay-Z is a rapper. And The Celestine Prophecy is Jay-Z’s favourite book. And Jay-Z is bald as fuck. Can this all be a coincidence, or is the Manifesto telling me to move to Peru?

And you know the guy who recommended me this book while he was high on drugs? I’ve got something that is going to shock you, and this is completely true. He also had no hair. Maybe there’s a pattern to this male baldness? Could it be a coincidence that party guy recommended that book to me, then Fartmore picked it, and then you are reading what I am writing? I think not.

The explanation is clear: not only are we all horses trapped in human bodies, but we need to start sharing energy by playing touch tips more often. Or something. I’m not really sure because I lost interest in this book pretty quickly, but this must all be a part of the Manuscript’s plan.

Don’t stop believing,

Beau Dashington

August, 2015