Editor’s note: An excuse previously discussed in this article was removed. The post gestured disrespectfully to the reality faced by those with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and did not meet The Daily Californian’s editorial standards

As finals season rapidly approaches, many of us are beginning to realize the harsh reality of the many hours of testing that lie ahead. Three-hour long finals during the unforgiving eight o’clock in the morning time slot await us as we frantically cram 15 weeks of material into five days. Luckily, these finals are totally optional since we at the Clog have plenty of valid and foolproof excuses to get out of those tests that we’re all dreading.

For starters, there’s the unalienable right that we’re all entitled to. Our homie Thomas Jefferson knew what was up when he spoke about “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Given this self-evident truth, it would be disrespectful, possibly even un-American, if we sat for our exams. The pursuit of happiness certainly doesn’t entail vomiting the knowledge that we’ve short-term memorized in a highly stressful classroom environment. Unless you’re a special kind of masochist, you probably don’t get off on suffering at the hands of merciless green books and essay prompts. Taking finals is grossly unpatriotic according to the Declaration of Independence, because it directly violates the right to a pursuit of happiness. We didn’t throw all that tea into Boston Harbor for nothing.

Beyond the violation of our rights, there is a pressing medical reason that impairs us from sitting through our finals. All that time spent underground has caused our skin to become a sickly shade that has left world-renowned doctors concerned. Our pale skin has reached a point of translucency previously reserved for ghosts and uncooked egg whites. Given this serious vitamin D deficiency, it’s best we capitalize on the opportunity to soak up the sun before the bipolar bay area weather kicks in and brings back the rain. Unfortunately, these pressing circumstances mean that we won’t be able to take any tests next week if the sun is shining.

The most genuine excuse of them all is that we have no desire whatsoever to sit through hours and hours of rigorous testing on material that we’ll have forgotten by next week. Our interest in taking finals is roughly equivalent to our interest in eating our own left foot. Nonexistent. We don’t want to get within 15 feet of a green book and the thought of review sessions causes us to break out in hives. We don’t care if all of our friends are doing it, we still want no part of the hot mess. All of the “say no to drugs” campaigns that were so heavily pushed upon us as children have panned out well – we’re now pros at resisting peer pressure and saying “no” to things that we find personally threatening. So as it turns out, we find finals exceedingly personally threatening.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].