WASHINGTON—Releasing thousands of confidential pages detailing the operational excellence at every level, a suspicious new dump of WikiLeaks documents Monday exposed just how totally awesome and trustworthy the U.S. government is. According to the lengthy set of government cables emailed to dozens of world news organizations simultaneously along with a five-gigabyte zip attachment entitled “U-S-A! U-S-A!,” the federal government of the United States and its representatives have been absolutely “killing it” for close to 50 years. Several of the files reportedly included exhaustive, confidential lists of CIA performance reviews in which every single one of the intelligence agency’s 21,575 employees received an exemplary “check-plus” rating further punctuated by three fire emojis. Many of the 450,000 pages, dropped just hours after the arrest of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, were written entirely in all caps and revealed a trove of information detailing a bunch of really cool, fun, and honest officials who acted as consummate professionals. A sole redacted section reportedly pertained to the Department Of Defense, revealing that Pentagon officials were a bunch of chill, blameless dudes trying their best to make the world a better place. At press time, a Department of Justice spokesperson confirmed that the document dump was completely thorough, exonerated Assange of all charges, and that the WikiLeaks founder was free to return home to the Ecuadorian embassy.

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