Is this stuff funny? No. But would I sue over it? No. It’s a comedian making a bunch of lame jokes — no need to get upset, right?

Anyway: Maddox and Dick had a podcast together for two years called “The Biggest Problem In The Universe.” It was an overnight success, racking up millions of downloads in a very short amount of time.

And the formula to their success was making fun of things — mocking everything from “Beats By Dre” to The Huffington Post — by calling them “the biggest problems in the universe.”

Sadly, the podcast suddenly ended when Maddox & Masterson’s friendship did. Like Opie & Anthony’s breakup, it’s old school drama amongst forty year old men — Masterson started a relationship with Maddox’s ex-girlfriend, Maddox didn’t like that it was being done “behind his back,” and the show exploded.

The two hosts traded attacks over YouTube until, eventually, Maddox got a little too upset.

And here’s how he handled being upset.

Maddox, and his girlfriend, sued the following people for twenty million dollars:

Dax Hererra (a.k.a. Dick Masterson) Dax’s advertising agency Dax’s business partners Me, Asterios Kokkinos My employer, PR firm Weber Shandwick Weber Shandwick’s legal counsel Patreon A customer service representative for Patreon And a 27 year old kid in Oklahoma who did a parody character of Maddox named “Madcucks”

3. So Why Did Maddox Sue You, Asterios Kokkinos?

Me, on FOX’s old late night show, “The Daily Habit”

Six months later, I’m still not entirely sure why he sued everyone else. But I know why he sued me.

I recorded a comedy album that called Maddox a “cuck,” hundreds of times, to the tune of various royalty free Christmas carols I borrowed from a Christian website.

Recorded and released in just 24 hours solely for the purpose of knocking Maddox’s premium podcast off the iTunes charts, the album debuted at #7 on Billboard, where it remained for three weeks.

In comedy, it hit #1 on iTunes, Google Play and many other streaming services. It even outsold Adele’s album “One” in Denmark!

Welp, Maddox didn’t like that.

4. Is This When He Sued You?

Yes, this is when he sued me.

One day, I’m approached at my advertising job by a man I’ve never met before.

He pulls me into an office I had no idea existed — the biggest office I’d seen at the company.

And he tells me Maddox is suing me, and him, and our advertising agency, for $20 million dollars. Maddox claims that I recorded the album with company equipment (I didn’t), and he emailed my company and clients multiple times as a reporter named “Heather S.”

Please note the address: “4 Tims Square”

He’s accusing me of being “alt-right.”

Again: this is me, Asterios Kokkinos, punching a moderator from the popular pro-Trump subreddit, “The Donald”:

So why is Maddox pretending to be a female reporter named Heather S.? To make trouble at my job.

And how do I know it was him? Because he admitted to it under oath, like a fucking idiot:

Why he admitted to being a gigantic scumbag under oath, I still don’t know. But that’s just the tip of the awful iceberg with this guy.

In fact, the complaint they served me at work lists a ton of awful stuff I didn’t do. For example: making internet threats. Maddox finds a bunch of horrible things said about him and his girlfriend by internet trolls, and accuses me of “inciting” them:

Obviously, these comments are horrible. Nobody should be threatened with rape — not on the internet, not anywhere. It’s disgusting. But you’ll notice: I made none of these threats.

But then, something incredible happened: my friend Dick found the guy who DID make these threats! Fans lined up timestamps and usernames until they found the culprit, and got him to write a signed confession:

This is a guy named “Mr. Burgers” — he’s a Maddox superfan, and still hangs out in Maddox’s chat. We submitted this confession to the court, and to Maddox’s lawyer.

So did Maddox drop the harassment charges against me, then go sue the actual criminal?

Nope!

Because this whole case isn’t about these horrible threats. It’s about a forty year old troll who doesn’t like being made fun of himself. And he’ll use whatever it takes — be it the legal system, or the court of public opinion — to get his way.

And by the way, if you’re having trouble reading the above threats…so did the Judge:

If you’re gonna accuse me of something, at least make it fucking legible! But we’ll get to that later.

Another crime I’m accused of: harassment. Maddox, and his co-plaintiff/girlfriend Jessica Blum, are accusing me of doing some pretty gross stuff, like harassing innocent people.

Turns out, Plaintiff Blum has a restraining order against her for…harassment!

She made phone calls and sent emails to the employer of Dick’s girlfriend (and Maddox’s ex), trying to make trouble with her job. Sound familiar?

Dick’s girlfriend (again: Maddox’s ex) isn’t a comedian or a public persona — she’s a schoolteacher. And Plaintiff Blum called her school:

This creepy email sent by Plaintiff Blum, and her follow-up phone call to the school, led to this restraining order:

You can read the entire restraining order here, as it’s public evidence in a public trial.

There are a million examples of this, but you get it. This is a story of hypocrisy.

The world’s first internet troll can dish it but can’t take it, and sues ten defendants for for twenty million dollars.

Maddox and Jessica Blum accuse me of harassment, and Blum is found to be a legally culpable harasser with an RO served by the LAPD.

Maddox and Jessica accuse me of making horrible threats, but when they’re presented with the actual threatener…they do nothing. Because they were only accusing me to ruin my name.

And all because of an album where I called a comedian a wiener!

5. Did This Go To Trial?

The New York State Supreme Court. Hopefully, it will never see something this stupid again.

Yup!

I interview fifteen lawyers until I find the only one who sees the lawsuit as equally absurd: Jordan Greenberger.

In the six month run-up to the trial, there’s responses, responses to responses, motions and cross motions. And $26,000 in legal bills later, we’re all in court. I would like to thank Discover Bank for generously financing my defense at a reasonable 20% interest rate.

Here, now, is the record of the dumbest trial in the history of The New York State Supreme Court.

Greenberger starts with the basics:

Greenberger sets the table honestly and well — by establishing that I’m mocking a public figure.

And how do we know Maddox is a public figure? Because he says so himself in his original complaint:

These are Maddox’s lawyers words, not mine. And this is how he opens his complaint — a “statement of facts” establishing he’s a big, important man. You know — the kind people make fun of? Thankfully, his ego is his undoing.

More from Maddox’s complaint — here’s what he’s accusing us of:

Sounds pretty scary! Appalling…wanton…patently repulsive? Someone’s been visiting Thesaurus.com! But Judge Ramos, who has a reputation as one of New York’s finest legal minds, cuts through the bluster:

Immediately, Judge Ramos identifies his “biggest problem” with the case: with all defendants lumped in together, he can’t tell what the fuck crimes I’m specifically accused of.

And it doesn’t help that the complaint includes lots of nasty comments from fans — who aren’t defendants at all. Greenberger says as much:

If I had control over my listeners, I would be really fucking rich. I’d tell them to pledge their life savings to patreon.com/asterios. (Or at least whatever they could afford!)

But that’s not how being a comedian works. I put my stuff out there, and hopefully it connects with people. And if it doesn’t, I make more stuff. That’s kinda all I can do.

Judge Ramos then turns to Maddox’s lawyer, Kevin Landau, and asks:

Yeah, Landau, can you tell me what the fuck I’m accused of? Landau skips harassment, and goes to a weird crime — breaking Civil Rights Laws 50 & 51:

Using someone’s photo or name to make money? Sounds serious. Good thing it’s not, as Judge Ramos points out:

Exactly, your honor!

I’m not a lawyer, but I assume Civil Rights Law 50 & 51 exist to protect celebrities from false endorsements. Someone can’t sell a perfume, say it was endorsed by Tom Hanks, then make millions off “Stank of Hanks.”

But to use these laws to shield a public figure from any criticism — to quash the public right to free speech — is pretty disgusting. Especially coming from another comedian. And that’s what they do — no move is too low.

But hey, at least we’re trying to be funny — much like SNL:

Yup. Just because you’re profiting off your opinion…doesn’t mean it’s not an opinion. FOX News and MSNBC have lots of people who profit off their opinions on public figures. Doesn’t mean they’re breaking the law.

There’s some crosstalk — Landau says I’m invading their privacy, the judge isn’t buying it. Eventually, Landau claims that my album, “Cuckmas Carols,” is defamatory:

And that’s the single greatest line of the trial: “It puts his entire manhood into question.”

Suddenly, this isn’t a case of harassment or trade violations — a 40 year old comedian’s manhood is on trial. Welp, case closed: he doesn’t have any.

Because a man wouldn’t hide behind his girlfriend to gin up a mob. A man wouldn’t write phony emails to someone’s employer trying to make trouble. He’d mock them back, call them out, and be done with it.

But we’re not dealing with a man. We’re dealing with Maddox. Let’s see what the judge has to say about his “manhood”…

After six months of bullshit and expenses, it’s gratifying to hear a judge call this “nonsense.” Makes you feel like you’re in a sane world again.

There’s more back and forth, but it’s like pulling teeth — Judge Ramos can’t get Landau to identify a single defamatory thing I said. So he pulls the plug:

Something that’s not apparent in the transcript: Judge Ramos REALLY raised his voice on the line, “Can I finish my sentence, please?” And I can understand why — if a shitty lawyer wasted my time with a shitty case about a comedian’s “manhood,” I’d also be pissed. The courts are here to do important bullshit, not stupid bullshit.

Next up in this non-stop cavalcade of unsubstantiated civil accusations: that I somehow caused Harry’s Razors to stop sponsoring Maddox’s podcast. Or, in other words, that I “breached” their contract.

In this context, I’m still not entirely sure what a breach is. As you can tell by my massive legal debts, I’m not a businessman! But it sounds like Landau might not know what a breach is either:

See how many times Landau repeats exactly what the judge asks? Either he’s confused about the charges he’s filing, or he’s stalling. Like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. What a waste of time!

And here, Judge Ramos swings back around to his main issue with the case — that Landau lumps all the defendants together:

Thank goodness — yes, Judge Ramos rightly points out that I have a right to know what the hell I’m being accused. It’s been six months. I’m still not sure how many of the 16 charges alleged pertain to me.

Here’s the point where Judge Ramos REALLY gets sick of it. He’s trying his best to suss out who’s charged with what and why…and he can’t get a straight answer out of Landau:

And thus, Judge Ramos strikes down the entire complaint against me. Case dismissed!

Except…it’s not.

It’s dismissed…without prejudice. He’s telling Landau and Maddox that — if they want — they can rewrite their complaint so it actually makes sense, then haul me back into court.

My thought on this: Judge Ramos can’t say “there’s no crime here” if he can’t even understand what crimes I’m being accused of. And with 10 defendants, two plaintiffs and 16 charges…I hate to say it, but I get it.

And although they could drop the case entirely, I fully expect Maddox and Landau to haul me back into court. These aren’t people who learn their lesson, or take losses in stride. This will, of course, add more to my legal debt — which as of today, stands at $31,000.

And that’s both the best and worst part of the American justice system. Everyone gets their day in court. From powerless victims of actual crimes to…a 40 year old comedian who calls people names, but doesn’t like being called them himself.

I hope one day, the shoe will be on the other foot — and I’ll be on legal offense. But for now, I’m a defendant — and it’s stressful and sad.

Luckily for me, I don’t think Judge Ramos likes Kevin Landau very much…

Towards the end of the day, Landau snaps the last straw — and Judge Ramos threatens to throw him in prison for contempt. It was an amazing sight.

And “contempt” is the word. Because this whole case against me shows contempt for the 1st amendment, our legal system, and genuine victims who need the attention of the courts.

But, fuck it — someone hurt your feelings, right Maddox?

* * *

We’ll be back in court soon. If you’d like to donate to my legal defense (even a dollar helps!) you can do so here: