Chapter One

Making Of Plans

Master Sun said:



War,

War never changes

It is a place

Of life and death,

A road

To survival and extinction,

A matter

To be pondered carefully.

When deciding whether to go to war

Or remain in peace

Flip a coin

If one flip decides upon peace

Try for the best three out of five



Chapter Two

Waging War

Master Sun said:

When your weapons are dulled,

Your ardor damped,

Your strength exhausted and your treasure spent,

Other chieftains will spring up

To take advantage of your extremity

At this time you should

Ask the enemy for a time out

So that your men can rest

And their weapons can be sharpened



Chapter Three

Attack By Strategem

Master Sun said:

Ultimate excellence lies

Not in winning

Every battle,

But in defeating the enemy

Without even fighting.

So try to concentrate hard enough

To make the enemy's heads explode;

Perhaps by training on watermelon first

And working your way up to humans



Chapter Four

Tactical Dispositions

Master Sun said:



Position is key

To success in battle.

When planning your angle of attack,

Make sure you are directly facing the harsh rays of the sun;

This will make it easier for your men

To tell what time it is,

Giving you a distinct advantage

Chapter Five

Weak Points And Strong

Master Sun said:

You can be sure of succeeding

In your attacks if you only attack

Places which are undefended;

Therefore you must not attack

Until the enemy is at their most vulnerable;

Like when their entire army

Removes their armor

Wanders from the safety of their camps

To drop deuces in a ditch

Then they all fall asleep in that ditch

At exactly the same time

Attack at this moment

And only this moment

And you will be victorious

Chapter Six

Maneuvering

Master Sun said:



If your men hear a strange sound

In the middle of the night

The best tactical maneuver available

Is to have everyone split up

And wander aimlessly in the woods

By themselves

While yelling "Hello?"



Chapter Seven

The Use Of Spies

Master Sun said:

All warfare is based

On deception;

Have your army dress themselves

In the enemy's clothing

And sneak into their camp before dawn;

Then, when they least expect it,

Have your men disembowel themselves



Your enemy will think a large number

Of their own men have died

Score one for

Team awesome

Chapter Eight

Terrain

Master Sun said:

An army with higher ground

Is at a distinct advantage;

If you find yourself on a level battlefield

Have your men drop their weapons

And stand on one another's backs

Forming a giant pyramid

With the man at the very top wielding a sword

This height advantage should make him

More powerful than an entire army

Chapter Nine

The Attack By Fire

Master Sun said:

There are six ways of attacking with fire

The first is to burn soldiers in their camp;

The second is to burn stores;

The third is to burn baggage trains;

The fourth is to burn arsenals and magazines;

The fifth is to hurl dropping fire amongst the enemy;

The sixth is to set all of your provisions on fire

And hope your enemy steps on them by mistake



Epilogue

Master Sun said:

Take these tactics which have proven

Disastrous on the battlefield

And bind them into a volume;

Then make sure it falls

Into the hands of my enemies

Who will be eager to use

My strategies against me

But don't write this part

You're not writing this

Are you

Okay good



– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)