GREENSBURG, KS—Picking up immediately on the students’ lack of confidence and low morale, fourth grade substitute teacher Jeff Moransky told reporters Monday that he could tell he was filling in for a real asshole. “As soon as I walked into the room, they all scrambled to their seats and sat in silence with their eyes on their desks—this sonofabitch must really put these kids through the wringer,” said Moransky, adding that he surmised pretty quickly that he must be filling in for a real prick from the fact that every single student politely raised their hand to ask a question instead of blurting it out. “You’d think that they’d want to misbehave while their teacher is gone, but even when I gave them the last five minutes of class to talk to each other, they just started doing their homework without a word. Only a real dickhead could pull that off.” At press time, the bell had rung, but Moransky realized the students were too scared to budge from their desks until he officially dismissed them.

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