When is it OK for a man to wolf-whistle at a woman?

Many will say, "never". Many others will say, "What a stupid question, don't be such a pig".

But One Nation senator and independent-minded empirical evidence fan Malcolm Roberts has reopened the centuries-old debate about just when making noises at a woman you've never met for the purposes of publicly displaying your uncontainable sexual exuberance might be considered socially acceptable.

While discussing Australia's racial discrimination laws with ABC Radio National host Patricia Karvelas on Monday, Senator Roberts thoughtfully pointed out that although some people might consider a wolf-whistle "sexual harassment", "some girls" quite enjoy being whistled at, and have even been known to smile in response.

The first thing to note is that there are clearly situations when a catcall or whistle is not only appropriate, but necessary.

Let us remember the old adage, "Never yell "FIRE" in a crowded theatre" — a good rule of thumb, but one that meets the limits of its utility the moment you find yourself in a crowded theatre that is on fire.

On that day, you're best advised to abandon learned propriety and yell "FIRE" as much as you damn well like.

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You see where I'm going with this: if you see a woman walking down the street and she's on fire, getting her attention with a well-aimed wolf-whistle seems fair enough.

This also holds true for when you see a woman actually being attacked by wolves.

Even the most prudish and uptight lady will surely not object to a wolf-whistle if it is intended to distract the ravenous pack that has fallen upon her in a savage attempt to feed the cubs.

Another circumstance in which I think we can all agree that catcalling is warranted is when two secret agents need to communicate with each other without alerting enemy operatives in the vicinity.

To the untrained ear, a raucous cry of, "Come sit on this!" might seem unpardonably gauche, but if you knew that this was actually a coded transmission revealing the location of a safehouse and microfilm containing plans for a revolutionary anti-nuclear weapons system, you'd end up wishing you'd spent more time in ear-training school.

When is a wolf whistle a faux pas?

But leaving out these scenarios, which are unlikely to crop up more than two or three times a year in the life of even the most gregarious boulevardier, what of the everyday encounter between good-natured man and kind-humoured woman?

When should such an encounter involve the deployment of a call or whistle of a bestial nature, and when would such a move be a faux pas?

When should an encounter involve the deployment of a catcall or wolf whistle, and when would such a move be a faux pas? ( Instagram: Pussy Division )

It's an important question, because modern masculinity is difficult enough to navigate without suffering crippling confusion over when or when not to wolf-whistle, or catcall, or perform any other combination of vocalisation and predatory mammal (e.g. the rabbit-scream or the lemur-grunt) in a woman's direction.

Most men want nothing more than to behave in a way which will please the women who surround them, but to do this we need to get the ground rules right.

It's a terrible thing to catcall a lady who desires not to be catcalled: but surely it's just as bad to not catcall one who was really hoping to be catcalled.

What if a man neglects to let out an appreciative 'Whoop!' as a woman passes by, and the snub ruins her whole day?

Any true gentleman would be mortified to think he had undermined a stranger's confidence by not assessing her attractiveness in audible terms.

Ask yourself: Does a woman want to be catcalled?

So, the first point is this: men should try to determine whether a woman wants to be yelled or whistled at before going through with it.

Traditionally, we've simply counted on our male intuition, and it's true, we can just tell, you know? We can tell, ladies.

Men should try to determine whether a woman wants to be yelled or whistled at before going through with it, says Ben Pobjie. ( Flickr: Paul Weaver )

But to really set firm boundaries, it is perhaps as well to make the process slightly more formal.

So let's institute a new socially sanctioned code of male-female interaction: men and women should from now on carry two small flags on their person, which they can display when crossing paths.

The man, upon espying a woman with whom he has no connection and no clear reason to ever interact with as long as he lives apart from the old chivalrous urge to keep every member of the female sex informed of his judgments, will show his flag: a green one to indicate "I wish to compliment you" and a red one to denote "I have no comment at this time".

The woman will then produce one of her two flags: the red to inform the man "I would prefer to not be complimented right now thank you"; and the green to let him know "Have at it, good sir, and with my eternal gratitude".

Upon seeing the green, the man can now feel free to let loose a full-throated roar of appreciation, lupine whistle, or respectfully bawdy comment along the lines of "Give us a smile" or "Whip 'em out!"

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The flag system will mean misunderstandings are avoided, self-esteem maintained, and the decorous co-mingling of genders perpetuated.

While we may deplore the prevalence of uninvited communications from boorish men towards women just trying to go about their day unmolested, if we take proper precautions and come to agreement on a universal system of etiquette, we can destigmatise the catcall and make sure wolf-whistles work in all our interests.

Indeed, Senator Roberts is right: sometimes women do like it when they are whistled or called at, and it would be repellently impolite not to oblige them in such a situation.