Share 0 Shares

Loading...

Every year on Halloween there are always a handful of parents who cause mass hysteria by posting on Facebook that their children’s candy was tampered with. This year it started the day before Halloween in with Heather Heaphy and Nicholas Waldie in Dover, NH.

You’ll notice that he is a grown man with a flat brimmed hat with the sticker still on it. Douchebag status unlocked.

Usually these type of people make up a lie that a razor blade was somehow inserted into their kid’s Snicker’s bar, but this year they got a little more creative.

Two hundred sixty six people saw a woman post a ridiculously unbelievable story about detergent being injected into their children’s candy and rather than questioning this or asking for any evidence, they hit the share button instead. This is everything that is wrong with society today.

Waldie fanned the flames of ignorance and contributed to the hysteria by warning others to be on guard, because he allegedly had eaten an Arm and Hammer flavored Milky Way.

Of course he ate this children’s candy before they could get to it too. Luckily he’s still alive. Thoughts and Facebook shares.

Some people speculated that this story might be an urban legend (these stories always are), but Heather made a convincing case for why she should be believed.

Because she said so. That settles that.

A couple people did have some questions.

If the detergent was literally inside the candy, then how haven’t any pictures been posted? Surely a candy bar filled with needle marks from the penetration, or pictures of the detergent itself, could prove that this actually happened. To me detergent was the dead giveaway, because neither of these two looks like they’re even remotely familiar with what detergent looks or smells like.

Although in fairness, he looks like he’s no stranger to eating Tide pods.

This was all the evidence they had.

“This is what an unopened Reece’s peanut butter cup looks like.”

Mystery solved.

To cap it off they not only made up this lie, they also wasted the police’s time with it.

Even the mainstream media picked up on it. But we all know they’d never question a story like this either. Remember though, the media is essential for our democracy. We couldn’t survive without their insight.

In one of the best self owns of the week Waldie admitted that the police knew it was completely bogus too.

Imagine taking that call.

“Yes, there appears to be detergent inside this candy.”

“Looks like a candy bar.”

(Eats candy and doesn’t die)

“I’m going to die now, but first let me post about it on Facebook.”

The cops probably knew Waldie was making it up because he’s what the courts refer to as a “felony habitual offender” who doesn’t like to listen when the police tell him to stop doing something.

Anyone who blindly shares stories like this should have their children confiscated by the DCF Fairy. You’re clearly not intelligent enough to raise children. But the people who make up the lies are even worse. They’re not doing it for money, they just want the attention. Now they’ve got it.

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:









Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:

Related