EPIDAURUS, GREECE—Confirming that the custom originated some 2,600 years ago, archaeologists from the University of Athens announced Wednesday the discovery of an ancient amphitheater where they believe the first inconsiderate prick reserved seats for friends who were running late. “While excavating the amphitheater, we found a length of linen fibers spread across multiple seats, suggesting that an ancient dickhead most likely arrived early and laid down his tunic to designate that the spaces beside him were taken,” said lead researcher Grigoris Halikias, noting that the blocked-off area was in a prime location in the center of the theater, obnoxiously leaving only one seat open on the end of the row so that not even a couple could sit there. “Based on what we’ve recovered from the site, it is our belief that this early fucker also had the nerve to shake his head and apologize profusely to those seeking to sit down, all the while consistently refusing to give up even a single seat as the amphitheater filled up around him and his friends remained nowhere in sight.” Halikias added that further research would be needed to determine if the ancient theater had also served as the location where a clumsy dumbass first clambered past others in his row, forcing them to stand up and make way so he could use the restroom moments after the performance began.

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