Come for the Future. Stay for the takes.

Welcome back to Sports by Scondi. After a brief four-month hiatus I’m back to give the people what they want: satirical analysis of sporting events riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. That’s right; no more editors.

You may be asking yourself, why is someone who watched about six total college basketball games this year writing about the NCAA tournament? Because when it comes to the March, every person who has even seen a basketball has as much expertise as the analysts on television. No way, you have Kansas winning it all? What a leap you made there!

March Madness is and will always be a crapshoot. The only reason you keep entering office pools is because of peer pressure or to reclaim the luck you had when you randomly filled out a winning bracket in middle school.

Since March Madness’ pools are basically the equivalent of throwing fifty bucks into the trash, I’ve decided to forgo making a bracket this year (sick brag). I rather ridicule your incorrect picks than calculate the hypotheticals needed to win any sort of consolation prize. And let’s be honest; the girl who picked the teams randomly always wins. Your money will be used wisely when Becky in accounting ends up using the winnings on a shopping spree at Sephora.

Now let’s remember the rules for watching:

You must take a Snapchat of yourself watching the tournament on one of your work monitors. Don’t use “The Boss Button”. It has not and will never look like any work a normal person would be conducting in their cubicle. Make sure you let everyone know when and how your bracket got busted constantly for the next two weeks. Throw out as many cliches as possible. Some include: “there goes my bracket”,”Cinderalla story”, “upset special” and “that’s why they call it March Madness”.

Anyway, this introduction has gone on way too long. Let’s get on with the predictions.

PREDICTIONS IN BOLD

INCORRECT PREDICTIONS IN BOLD STRIKETHROUGH

Tuesday

This article will be released after the result of these games but I already wrote stuff about them so deal with it.

No. 16 Florida Gulf Coast vs. No. 16 Fairleigh Dickinson: If Florida Gulf Coast can get to the 1st round, you have to think a top program will look to hire their head coach.

No. 11 Vanderbilt vs. No. 11 Wichita State: Is this the first relevant Vanderbilt game in like 5 years? Their fan base has dried up faster than California’s reservoirs.

Wednesday

No. 16 Holy Cross vs. No. 16 Southern: You may have realized that Bill Simmons went to Holy Cross as he’s spent the first 30 minutes of each podcast the past week talking about how his under .500 alma mater made the tournament. Pray that Southern wins this game so you don’t have to hear him and one of his college drinking buddies talk about how they have a chance against Oregon in the first round.

No. 11 Michigan vs. No. 11 Tulsa:

Tulsa was this years’ “THE COMMITTEE GOT IT WRONG” team, forcing Jay Bilas to take time away from measuring lottery picks’ wingspans and complaining about college athletes not getting paid to go on every ESPN segment and express his displeasure for the lack of ACC teams in the tournament.

Thursday

No. 4 Duke vs. No. 13 UNC Wilmington:

Maybe the most storied of North Carolina sports’ rivalries. With Ted Cruz’s doppelganger, Grayson Allen, and what has to be the fifteenth Plumlee brother (seriously there’s been a Plumlee playing at Duke since 2008), look for this Duke team to annoy its way deep into the tournament.

No. 8 Texas Tech vs. No. 9 Butler: When you lose your bracket by one point, it will be because you incorrectly picked this game.

No. 8 Colorado vs. No. 9 Connecticut:

A mediocre UConn team surging its’ way into a tournament. Where have I seen this before?

Whoops. Wrong UConn team.

No. 4 Iowa State vs. No. 13 Iona : Iona is a small island in the Inner Hebrides off the Ross of Mull on the western coast of Scotland (thanks Wikipedia). Have to think a whole island is better than anyone who would willingly choose to live in Ames, Iowa.

No. 5 Baylor vs. No. 12 Yale:

This Yale team is all grit. Their roster is full of smart, hardworking, sneaky athletic gym rats that play the game the right way. Look for this team to make some real noise in the tournament.

No. 1 Virginia vs. No. 16 Hampton:

“Hoo” is going to blow it in the NCAA Tournament again this year? Congrats to Virginia for winning the regular season! An annual tradition is when a whole nation of people who haven’t watched you play wonder how a team that can’t dribble or shoot ended up with a number one seed. You’re going to be stunned at the number of shot clock violations Virginia will commit in yet another short stand in the tournament. Hoos? More like BOOS!

No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 16 Austin Peay:

Perry Ellis is so old that he actually voted for Austin Peay during his gubernatorial run in the 1920s (thanks again Wikipedia).

No. 5 Purdue vs. No. 12 Little Rock:

Little Rock hasn’t had a significant victory since 1957.

Update: Would have been better if they found a way to win by NINE.

No. 3 Miami vs. No. 14 Buffalo:

Usually this is a matchup for third place in the AFC East.

No. 5 Indiana vs. No. 12 Chattanooga :

It’s impossible for me to pick a team coached by Tom Crean. I mean look at him.

Fun Fact: Tom Crean is married to Jim Harbaugh’s sister. Can’t imagine the amount of wedgies he receives during family events.

No. 1 North Carolina vs. FGCU:

No, you idiot.

No. 3 Utah vs. No. 14 Fresno State:

You have the dry county of Salt Lake City versus the meth capital of California. Both teams will be playing their hearts out (literally because of all the sodium and amphetamines) because neither wants to go back to their campus.

No. 6 Arizona vs. No. 11 Wichita State:

Second worst fan base in sports (St. Louis Cardinals fans still owns the title), Arizona is destined to make it to the Elite 8 to only to get their hearts ripped out yet again. Don’t feel bad for the fans, their goldfish brains will forget this ever happened in a year.

No. 4 Kentucky vs. No. 13 Stony Brook:

Stony Book’s players have been waiting their whole collegiate careers for this moment. They have worked hard on the court and in the classroom to get their school to the tournament for the first time ever. This is the biggest moment of their lives. Kentucky on the other hand features a bunch of freshman who probably will never go to class because they don’t have to be academically eligible to be a one and done player and care more about their draft stock than some stupid tournament that is making a bunch of old guys billions of dollars while they get nothing.

No. 8 USC vs. No. 9 Providence:

Let’s hope Coach Enfield doesn’t get confused

Remember those six college basketball games I watched this year? They were all USC games. They were also six more than the average Trojan fan that has put this extremely mediocre team deep in the tournament. Have you’ve learned nothing from the past couple of football seasons?

The only reason I’m giving USC the edge in this matchup here is because of the hair on the Providence coach.

No. 6 Seton Hall vs. No. 11 Gonzaga:

HBO has got to be pumped that their Hard Knocks basketball spin-off didn’t cost Gonzaga a chance to play in the Big Dance but this will be one of their last episodes.

If you can’t handle reading 2000 words in one sitting, take a break here and come back tomorrow.

Friday

No. 7 Dayton vs. No. 10 Syracuse: Hope Jim Boeheim thanked Rick Pitino and Larry Brown for distracting the NCAA so Syracuse could make the tournament.

No. 2 Villanova vs. No. 15 UNC Asheville:

Good thing Villanova got the #2 seed. Makes their second round loss a little less painful than last years.

No. 7 Oregon State vs. No. 10 VCU:

If Shaka Smart was such a good coach, then why is VCU back in the tournament? And if Gary Peyton was so good than why did his son’s team only have 19 wins?

No. 4 California vs. No. 13 Hawaii:

Cal is the only team I’ve seen live, and when I did they performed quite well. Either they are very good or I’m not nearly as down on USC as I should be.

No. 2 Michigan State vs. No. 15 Middle Tennessee State:

Death, Taxes, and Tom Izzo. Michigan State getting the #2 seed allows for everyone to put them in the final four without feeling the anxiety of having all #1 seeds. The only good thing that Middle Tennessee State has done is not play Sam Hunt in football causing him to transfer, question his football future, and become a country music star.

No. 7 Iowa vs. No. 10 Temple:

Iowa is just happy to be here. Did you see them at the Rose Bowl? Down a billion points in the fourth, those corn-fed losers stayed in their seats until the end of the game. Temple is good at scoring by any means necessary at big dances so watch out for them in this tournament.

No. 2 Oklahoma vs. No. 15 CSU Bakersfield

Congrats to Buddy Hield on being the first college player to be compared to Steph Curry by draft analysts on if his playing style could be successful in the NBA. Very low bar set for Hield. Not like Curry is the best shooter of all time or anything.

No. 5 Maryland vs. No. 13 South Dakota State:

You hope this Maryland team advances a couple of rounds to delay the inevitable depressing SportsCenter with Scott Van Pelt when they lose. I can’t have a depressed SVP breaking down bad beats until at least next week. South Dakota State’s greatest contribution to sports is creating a never-ending debate topic “who is on your *insert sport position* Mt. Rushmore?”

No. 7 Wisconsin vs. No. 10 Pittsburgh:

Bo Ryan literally quit on this team two weeks into the season. Either he watched “Making A Murderer” or he knows this team is terrible. #StevenAveryDidIt

No. 3 West Virginia vs. No. 14 Stephen F. Austin:

A Cinderella run by Stephen F. Austin just allows for the posting of Stone Cold Steve Austin GIFS, and that’s really what the world needs right now. Here’s him giving the Stunner to future president, Donald Trump.

No. 3 Texas A&M vs. No. 14 Green Bay:

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league but I don’t know how he will help on the basketball court.

No. 1 Oregon vs. No. 16 Holy Cross:

Oregon’s uniforms for one road trip cost more than their opponent’s tuition.

No. 2 Xavier vs. No. 15 Weber State:

Don’t how this Xavier team could get better after America’s favorite Uber driver, Matt Stainbrook, graduated.

No. 6 Notre Dame vs. No. 11 Michigan:

This would be a pretty awesome football rivalry!

No. 6 Texas vs. No. 11 Northern Iowa:

Northern Iowa is known for upsets in March. Or maybe it was that one time they beat Kansas.

No. 8 Saint Joseph’s vs. No. 9 Cincinnati:

I saw Cincinnati lose in quadruple OT a couple days ago, so I’m pretty sure their souls are crushed.

Look for the Sweet Sixteen predictions next week!

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi