WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s office strongly advises against habitual cocaine use—I mean, c’mon, who are we kidding here, no one wants to be the coke guy, we hate that guy—but the truth of the matter is, if we’re being honest, really, there’s no harm in a little bump when the night starts dragging a little, just to get things rolling again, find your groove, you know, just don’t make your whole weekend about the chop and you’ll be fine,” said Adams during a press conference originally held to discuss the future of municipal public health in small cities. “You definitely have to make sure you’re spacing that stuff out. A nice thin rail, dance to four or five songs, chill a bit, get some tapas, another rail, no harm done, right? Right. Cool. Cool Cool. And please don’t drink too much, either, that’s pissing into the wind. If you’re gonna be mixing it with scotch, you might as well just sneeze a hundred bucks into a Kleenex.” Adams further stated that the music has to be right, that there is no shame in going home early if everyone is making you twitchy, and that you and he should really open up a restaurant together.

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