“Kofie, are you here today to talk about a cycling game that released in 2011? It’s 2020, get over it.” NO, I will not get over it. I’m petty and I’ve gotten so close to beating the game multiple times. YOU WILL HEAR ME OUT.

Cyclomaniacs 2 is a unique game. For eight years, I’ve played this game on and off. For eight years, I’ve tried to pronounce victory. The main difference between this game and others is simple.

I’ve never heard anyone ever mention this game in my life. Not my friends, not my family. Just me.

I never turned to my high school homies and went, “Y’all hear about this game Cyclomaniacs 2?” because I wanted to fit in and everyone was playing Farmville or 8Ball pool on Miniclip.com (I was nice at that shit too, don’t sleep). I would play Cyclomaniacs 2 during classes in college, but no one would tap me on the shoulder and go “Yo, what game is that?” because a good ECON201 extra credit mattered more to them or whatever. I couldn’t ask my friends for tips on how to beat the Coaster Zone level, or which biker is the best at front wheelies over lava.

Answer: Not this penguin.

Because no one would know what the fuck I’m talking about. If you ask me to name all 50 bikers, I couldn’t do it, but I could list enough to make you think I can and then end the conversation.

I feel like everyone has that one game that’s sacred to them, but unknown to rest of the world. I probably have many more in the memory vault that y’all have never heard of, but that’s what makes it special. This is an experience that’s singular to me. Since I’ve started this game in 2011 I’ve been through high school, college, and, most importantly, four computers. Every time I started the game on a new computer, I’d have to start the game over from the very beginning. So now, it’s that time of the year again. It’s time to give this another shot.

Alright well, before I rant about this, let me explain how good and fun this game actually is.

Cyclomaniacs 1

Happened. We’re not here to talk about that.

Cyclomaniacs 2

This is a bike racing game with numerous levels to play in a challenge to beat the game.

Through completing certain challenges you can unlock new bikers and new levels.

The interesting part about these bikers is that no two characters ride exactly the same. For example, the Cyclo King has an easy time performing wheelies, but is harder to control.

While Captain Star Spangle (yup, real name) is great at control, he has trouble flipping, doing tricks and getting big air.

Basically all the fun shit.

Now each map has at least one race, while other areas might have biker specific challenges that you need to use to unlock other bikers and courses.

Also, after each course, you collect money which you can use to upgrade all your bikers capabilities. This will be important.

GAMEPLAY

This game has pretty simple controls.

So without further ado, it’s time to talk about the last level. Wait, I have to play the game over again. One sec.

Six hours later

Oh man, I forgot how time consuming this game really is. When I started writing this I only remember the last level being difficult, but man oh man there are some other tough levels in this shit as well. I’ve unlocked 28 of the 50 bikers.

It seems that I’m not there yet, but I have unlocked the best biker in the game. Miss Ellie Fant.

Oh, did I mention that some of the maps aren’t that simple? This one is UPSIDE DOWN.

Three hours later

I’ve made it back.

The final level. I have to use the Cyclo King to beat the game. Now, the walkthrough usually has tips and tricks for all of the maps.

However, nothing comes up for the final level. I’m on my own. Thankfully, unlike other games I’m able to just hit the ‘R’ key mid race to start over so we can hurry these tries up.

Through 10 tries

Ah, yes, it’s coming back to me now. The reason why I never beat this level had nothing to do with the course, it’s the biker. This knockoff Elvis. The nerve of this guy.

Track after track, bump after bump. WHO DESIGNS A BICYCLE LIKE THIS? WHOEVER SAID AERODYNAMIC QUIFF WAS LYING!

Through 15 tries

Please help.

Through 25 play throughs

FUCK.

I’ve already lost count.

Hope is dwindling. My fingers on my right hand are sick of trying to steer this piece of shit cart on this hellscape of a track.

I’ve played through this track so much that I’m starting to notice things. Like how the AI has the same times every time. Now that’s true for every level, but on this one it’s more noticeable because I’ve played it so many times. Fake Elvis gets to a big lead, robot comes back, then the NINJA COMES FROM OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE EVERY TIME.

See here? The ninja isn’t on screen. He’s not even close to first place!

Right? Right. Now watch this.

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. LIKE HOW? IS THIS SOME TYPE OF SICK JOKE?!

Side note.

Captain’s Log: Time Unknown

I have almost lost hope. I tried to do this on my own, but it seems like I don’t have the answers. There is only one thing left to do. Look up a walkthrough on Youtube to see if this is even possible. Turns out ... it is.

This guy finished with a time of 1:07.80.

My times have been all over the place. Here are some examples.

1:09.50 - 2nd place

1:08.90 - 2nd place

1:09.20 - 4th place

1:11.80 - 4th place

So I obviously need to get the time down ... but how? The walkthrough didn’t really help because the description says ...

tipps: just repeat the level a few times, you get better with practice. It also depends on luck if you become 1st or not. In this run I became 1st with a time of 1:07:80. But on another run, I also became 1st with a worse time of 1:09:56... In my opinion it’s the hardest level of CycloManiacs 2. HeroMax RotMG

What do I change? I’m honestly at a loss for ideas. I just have to keep pushing.

It’s after midnight.

Alright. Here goes nothing. I’ve got this.

Oh shit. OMG. I have done it. I was so overcome with joy that I messaged Jon Bois immediately.

I’ve unlocked every biker in the game.

Just in time for me to never ever want to play this game again in my life. I’ve been riding such a high ever since winning and it’s been a full 12 hours later. This is incredible. A journey that I have sporadically gone through since high school has come to an end. The Cyclomaniacs 2 end movie has a still that says this.

Three hours? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I just thank God they didn’t make another Cyclo–

OH, COME ON!