‘I’m a Muslim woman who loves sex. If that surprises you, you don’t understand Islam’ ‘Of course I enjoy sex as a Muslim woman – the pleasure of sex has always been a part of Islam’

Sexual equality is something women are becoming increasingly empowered to talk about – and demand.

But pervasive stereotypes around women of different faiths still hold strong. Muslim women, in particular, are subjected to tired stereotyping when it comes to sex, from being ‘non-sexual’ to submissive. Compounding this problem is the taboos around sex still exist culturally, which can make it harder for young women to talk about their sexuality and desire.

But the conversation is changing as more women’s voices are heard. Last year, an anonymous woman who went by the pen name Umm Muladhat published a groundbreaking book The Muslimah Sex Manual: A Halal Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex, which was inspired by a friend’s disastrous sex life and covers everything from orgasms to BDSM.

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Instagram influencer and Youtuber Thanna Alghabban, 31, is a self-proclaimed ‘halal dating guru’ who pushes for honest conversations about wedding night sex and dating. Poet Amani Saeed addresses identity and sex in her book Split.

i spoke to four Muslim women about the biggest misconceptions around sexuality, faith and desire.

I don’t think people see Muslim women as sexual Hanna*, 30, works in communications in the charity sector in London I was quite fixated on sex as a teenager, as most teenagers are. I went to an all-girls school and my access to boys was very policed which made me more drawn to them – it was forbidden fruit. When I went to university, I had sex too quickly and went beyond what I was comfortable with. ‘I didn’t understand how important good sex can be for your wellbeing, confidence and self-worth as a person’ I didn’t really understand boundaries of consent, and I desperately wanted boys to fancy me. The problem with something being forbidden is that when you rebel against it, you’re not necessarily asking yourself why you make certain choices. Religion can complicate that, and I think that it made me a bit needy, insecure and prompted bad choices in relationships and sex. It took me a lot longer to grow up when it came to sex than my peers. I didn’t understand how important good sex can be for your wellbeing, confidence and self-worth as a person. It took a long time for me to get over those insecurities, and I think it’s only in my current relationship that I’ve managed to overcome them. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and live together – he’s white, and my parents don’t know that we’re together. I don’t think people see Muslim women as sexual because they have stereotypes of women who wear the hijab, or just assume sex happens in a stoic and dutiful sort of way.

My experience of sex was undercover and guilt-fuelled Zara*, 23, is a market researcher in London While I’m fairly religious, I see sex as separate to that. But I don’t have multiple partners and I tend to be monogamous. We just didn’t talk about sex in my family. We idolise virginity; my mum didn’t like me using tampons because it’s something penetrative. Ideas like that are really silly because it removes the intimacy of sex – putting an inanimate object inside of you is not sexual. I had to figure out what I knew about sex the hard way. I grew up around a lot of white girls having sex in relationships, but my experience of sex was undercover and guilt-fuelled – I just didn’t have the support and there was no-one I could ask about it. ‘It’s important that Muslim girls speak about their sex lives in front of each other – including masturbation.’ I lost my virginity at the age of 17 to someone I loved who was also Muslim. We were in a long-term relationship and cared about each other a lot. In retrospect, maybe if I’d waited until I was a bit older, I’d have had a more mature attitude to sex. I ended up in a toxic relationship afterwards, where we were involved with others but were still sleeping together. It almost felt like an addiction and I didn’t respect the other people involved. I now have a much healthier attitude to sex, and I know what I enjoy and like. It’s important Muslim girls speak about their sex lives in front of each other – including masturbation. Sex is not just an exchange of pleasure – it’s energy and love. We forget that. I was brought up to value myself as a woman, and I will continue to value myself when I have sex. However, I do worry about whether if I have an arranged marriage, I’ll be able to trust the person enough to tell them I’m not a virgin. That’s one of my biggest fears.

Making love can feel like praying Amani Saeed, 23, is a spoken word artist from London Muslim women are painted as either sexless veiled objects or hypersexual beings secretly begging for it under the oppressive cover of a veil. There’s a lot of porn that centres around women in hijabs. I was in an abusive relationship when I was fairly young and still new to sex. Because of this my take is that sex, like most relationships, involves an imbalance of power. I used to think of sex as something quite transactional: someone gives pleasure, someone accepts it. I wanted my ‘power’ back, so I felt like I needed to take my pleasure from a man. ‘Like pretty much any other woman, I’m just hoping you know what a clitoris is and how to use it’ It was like getting back in the driver’s seat after having a car accident. I wanted to prove to myself that I could still have sex without it being a big deal and without feeling powerless. I did this for about a year and I didn’t like who it made me. I’ve since readjusted my approach to sex and have found it can be an almost holy experience with the right person. Making love can feel like praying; to me, they’re both ways of purifying, exploring and growing the body and mind. I’m Muslim and I’m a woman and I have sex. It’s so normal, it’s boring. Much like any other woman, I’m just hoping you know what a clitoris is and how to use it.