The FA has asked Alex Ferguson to explain his negative comments about linesman Simon Beck after Manchester United's 1-1 draw against Tottenham on Sunday. Ferguson said Beck "had a shocking game" and was particularly upset with his failure to flag for a penalty when Wayne Rooney appeared to be tripped in the second half. According to the PA, Ferguson also brought up an incident in 2010 when Beck didn't disallow an offside goal from Didier Drogba against Man United, saying "There was no way we were going to get a decision from [Beck]." If The FA decides that Ferguson questioned Beck's integrity, he will be charged with misconduct and punished with a touchline ban or fine.

The following is Sir Alex's response to The FA's request.

Esteemed gentlemen of The FA,

I have received your request for clarification on my comments about Simon Beck after our match against Spurs on Sunday. I must say that I am quite upset that what I said requires any explanation. I thought I made myself clear, but apparently you all are even thicker than Simon Beck.

In simpler terms, Simon Beck's performance in that match was equivalent to Man City's performances in the Champions League or Arsene Wenger's in the transfer market. In even simpler terms still, it was like a sprinkler system hooked up to a portable toilet and then dropped in a pit of medical waste.

When I said "there was no way we were going to get a decision from him," I meant that, in October of 1984, Simon spotted me beating his family's car with a katana sword because I thought it belonged to my postman, Hank Sutcliffe. Why I was looking to take a katana sword to Hank Sutcliffe's car is neither here nor there, but when Simon let Didier Drogba's offside goal stand in 2010, I knew the boy was holding a grudge longer than I would prefer.

Hopefully this settles the matter and allows The FA to investigate far more serious matters like preventing the inevitable epidemic of footballer deaths from balls kicked at the back of their heads. This will be the footballing equivalent to the black plague and it is extremely frustrating that no one other than me is taking it serious.

That aside, I dare you to punish me for this or anything, for that matter. I double dog dare you. You need to be reminded: I am Sir Alex Sasquatch Humping Ferguson. If anything, you should be looking to punish Simon Beck for going wrong and now making two mistakes that have hurt Manchester United instead of our opponents. I would suggest a punishment of castration, but you numpties can't even deal with racists properly, so I'm not holding my breath.

Sincerely yours,

Sir Alexander Chapman Ferguson, CBE

P.S. People build statues of me. I'm pretty sure that means I can have all of you executed if I want. And unless something changes, I want that very much.