ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

As a weakened Malcolm Turnbull wallows in the mangrove, a Komodo-like Tony Abbott has sniffed an opportunity to get himself back in the top job.

According to Rupert Murdoch, the lizard king, it’s not going to happen.

In high-level talks this morning between The Advocate’s eventual owner and Mr Abbott, Tony floated the idea of perhaps becoming prime minister again.

“What do you say, Roo?” asked the Sydneysider.

“I’m not sure, mate. You’re not polling that well. You’d probably beat Shorten but that’s a big maybe. But in saying that, Labor is in with a red hot chance at the next election,”

“Right,” said Abbott. “So that’s a no?”

“At the moment, yeah it is. But don’t be a mopey cunt about it. Things can change. I’m busy trying to get Barnaby out of the job right now. Provided you don’t lose your seat at the next election, we can talk then. Anyway, I’ve got to go.”

And with that, Tony hung the phone up and walked to the window of his Manly office and smiled.

He began singing Thunder Road to himself softly while he imagined walking down the halls of parliament, high fiving strangers and yahooing loudly.

“Woaaa Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road,” he sang in a soft falsetto.

“I’m coming for you Malcolm, you fucking heathen.”

More to come.