My mum’s got steadily worsening dementia. I knew something along this line was coming, but she’s asking more and more frequently why people are calling me by my chosen name. IDK how she reconciles her confusion with my appearance, because she’s not asking why I’m bald, rocking a beard, etc (at least thus far) just arguing about my name. She’s not using my zombie name (for now?) just questioning why I get called by my chosen name. I suspect I’ll manage unless/until she starts using my zombie name. But if that happens, I presume she will also be struggling with my appearance.

I’m not worried about this disclosing me, even if she starts having this argument in public. For one, she only speaks to me in French, and few people around us speak it well, never mind our dialect. For two, it is increasingly clear to all around her that she has dementia, so anyone who might understand the conversation would probably chalk up her confusion to her declining faculties. For three, being randomly disclosed to strangers I’ll probably never see again doesn’t phase me. I selectively disclose, and am generally comfortable with disclosure, even if I prefer not to in all areas of my life. She doesn’t have access to the parts of my life where I don’t disclose.

I’ve been living with my parents for most of the last while to help while my father is in the end stage of cancer. It’s not a case of “she hasn’t seen as much of me recently.” I suspect that me moving back out as my dad enters hospice care will only intensify her confusion about my name, if not result in her starting to use my zombie name.

As much as I’m pretty chill about disclosing my medical history, I do not share my zombie name. I can handle hearing it in reference to other people or pets, but still the last time it was used to refer to me, a few years ago, it made me want to throw up all over again. It’s my most intense trigger of dysphoria.

I welcome words of comfort or validation from those in similar circumstances re: a parent with advancing dementia. This was not in the brochure of “what to expect if you go on T.”