Two nights ago, whilst thoroughly immersed in cloud of smug intellectualism, I happened to glance up at the television and see an ad for ChatAboutJesus.com; a website where you can, according the ad, log on and discuss any and all issues and questions you might have in life and possibly come out with a relationship with Jesus. I say, “according to the ad” and, “possibly” because I can’t seem to connect with anyone. Any time I try to log in to the chat, I’m always met with the following statement:

We are sorry, but we currently do not have any volunteers available to answer your chat.

Thank you for checking out our website to chat about Jesus. Know that true life is only found in Jesus Christ. He truly does love you and gave His life on the cross so that you could be reconciled to God. Please try to chat with us again later. If you are in a difficult or emergency situation, please call 800-488-HOPE. You can watch a video about the truth about God here or read about Him on our website. We are praying for you!

I realize that it was four in the morning and I was drunk, but the goddamn ad was played at four in the morning when I was drunk. I’m not sure who they are trying to reach, but the type of people who are up and drunk at four in the morning seems like their exact demographic. They have to realize that people will want to sign on and chat about Jesus at all hours, and even the malicious, whiskey addled lunatics like me should be able to reach them. After all, I can’t imagine the glorious ecclesiastical boner that would result in the conversion of a such a scandalous libertine like yours truly. However, it stands to reason that the type of people they could get to work at that time wouldn’t be the best equipped to handle me. Perhaps they know what they’re doing after all. And there’s always the 800 number in case you happen to be, “…in a difficult or emergency situation.”

The imagination starts working overtime when considering the type of emergency that would necessitate such a call. One wouldn’t think they mean for us to call if we’re laying on the street bleeding to death. Then again, it is our postmortem fate they’re worried about… Perhaps the lines are flooded with calls from young men reeling from a post-coital exhaustion after an encounter with multiple women and just can’t take it anymore. Somehow it doesn’t seem plausible. Perhaps there might be more calls from women in that situation since there’s nothing more disgusting and reviled than a sexually adventurous women. Indeed, the only thing worse than a woman who would do such a thing is one that doesn’t regret it for the rest of her life. She would certainly need that emergency Jesus hotline to validate her guilt and offer a different and boring solution. The only men and women I know that would make such a call would be doing so simply to let the operator know what they’re missing. Come to think of it, the real emergency is that there’s some twenty year old manning the phone lines in the wee hours of the morning waiting to help us find Jesus instead of helping a stranger find their prostate in a truck stop bathroom.

The people in the ad in this ad would do better with St. John’s Wort and college classes. The emptiness you feel is real, but it can only be filled with fond memories of a life lived on your own terms. Life is, after all, a work in progress. So before you break down and accept that you’re a sinner, get some proper fucking sins under your belt.