WITH a whopping 313,209 votes in the bag, Jeremy Corbyn boinged on to the stage at the Labour Party conference no doubt feeling like he’d beaten Mary Berry and David Attenborough in a contest to become Britain’s Most Popular Person.

It had obviously not occurred to him that around seven million Labour-supporting people in the country hadn’t voted for him and that he is pretty much universally loathed by all of his MPs.

Certainly he hadn’t read one tweet that was sent to me: “Corbyn looks like a naturist who’s been forced by a court order to wear clothes.”

11 Jeremy Corbyn retained his role as Labour leader after he was announced to have won their election at the party's conference last weekend Credit: London News Pictures

In his mind, he was Lord God All Bloody Mighty and in his speech, he was going to paint a picture of the country he’d like to run.

Basically, the state was going to take control of pretty much everything because, in his mind, the state is better qualified to run things than profit-minded business people.

11 The Labour leader wants the state to take control of almost everything and end privatisation Credit: News Group Newspapers Ltd

Hmmm. He was photographed going into the conference with a gaggle of supporters who I wouldn’t trust to run a sweet shop.

People complain about privately run trains but I’m old enough to remember what they were like when they were run by British Rail.

And trust me, nobody in their right mind would want to go back to that.

It’s the same story with the car industry.

11 As somebody who remembers when trains were run by the government, Clarkson is not keen to reintroduce nationalised rail services Credit: Getty Images

When politicians were in the hot seat we had British Leyland, whose workers spent their days either making horrible cars very badly or sitting outside the factory round a brazier, making nothing at all.

Now, in private hands, we have Land Rover and Jaguar building new factories every five minutes to keep up with demand.

Private health care is better than state health care. Private schools are better than state schools.

The privatised M6 is better than the state’s M6.

11 Through privatisation, car companies like Jaguar have been able to build new factories all over the shop Credit: Getty Images

In Corbyn’s weird mind Coca-Cola would do better if it were run by one of those women who led him into the conference. And he would make better vacuum cleaners than James Dyson.

I came back from Los Angeles this week with British Airways. And at no point did I think: “I wish this airline was run by Tom Watson.”

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Governments the world over are useless.

We need them, of course, to put up park benches and keep the street lights burning, but invariably they get bored doing this and start wars that are unnecessary.

Then they have to borrow billions because they’ve accidentally spent £600,000 on a hammer.

And then they decide we need a new train service from London to the North West.

11 The Sun columnist says governments are useless, why would we trust them to run our services? Credit: Getty Images

Which they can’t build until they’ve spent millions of our pounds on an investigation to see if they’re right or not.

If it were a private enterprise, it’d be up and running by now.

That said, I’m glad the Labour Party has elected Corbyn to be its leader.

11 Clarkson says he's glad Jeremy Corbyn has retained his title as Labour leader, as it ensures the party won't win the next General Election Credit: Alamy

Because it means that when the next General Election comes along, he’s going to get the vote of every unwashed malcontent in the land.

All 313,209 of them.

Meanwhile, the remaining seven million normal people will vote for someone else.





Drivers can take liberties

OH dear. After years of steady decline, the number of people injured in drink-related road accidents has jumped by an alarming six per cent.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that last year, nearly eight per cent of motorists admit that they may have got behind the wheel while tipsy. Up from just over six per cent in 2014.

11 The number of people injured by drink-driving accidents has risen by six per cent Credit: Getty Images

Naturally, this has caused the nation’s safety enthusiasts to jump up and down and run around, demanding that the drink-drive alcohol limit be lowered immediately.

But what good would that do?

If you drive after drinking five pints, what does it matter how much over the limit you are? You are still drunk.

11 Getting rid of speed cameras and reintroducing police patrols is the way to stop drunk drivers Credit: Getty Images

Much better, surely, to work out why people have started to drink and drive again.

And I think the answer is obvious. In the past, the roads were patrolled by actual policemen who would pull you over if you looked a bit wobbly.

Now though, the roads are patrolled by cameras which aren’t bothered if you have just had six pints of absinthe and two lumps of heroin. Just so long as you are only doing 30.

If we scrap the cameras and spend the money on actual policing, the problem will be solved.

Plods are stuck in the seventies IN the wake of the Sam Allardyce fiasco, there have been calls for Plod to investigate corruption and fraud in British football. But so far as I can tell this will be impossible because, at the moment, every single policeman in the land is busy investigating the sex crimes of various Seventies celebrities, who are dead.

Only when they’ve been dug up, and prosecuted will the thin blue line have the manpower to turn its attention to football.

Another fine meth

I SPENT last weekend in the Californian desert, a couple of hours out of Los Angeles.

It’s a barren place, hot as hell and completely lifeless. There is no water. Farming is not possible. There is no infrastructure. And towns are few and far between.

And yet, every mile or so, you pass a small, rundown homestead. Usually it’s made from tin and there are a few wrecked cars in the yard.

11 You can't blame Walter White... there's not much to do in the American desert Credit: Alamy

So what, you find yourself wondering, do the people who live there do to fill their days.

Eventually, I stopped wondering and asked a local policeman.

“Have you seen Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad?” he said. “Because it’s that.”



Candidates are US-eless

USUALLY, Americans are very sure of themselves and very confident that the American way is the right way.

But since it emerged that their next president would either be a dishonest woman with a rictus grin or a clown with nylon hair, they have changed.

11 Donald Trump speaks as Democratic U.S. presidential nominee Hillary Clinton Credit: Reuters

They know that they have been made to look stupid on the world stage and now all you get from absolutely everyone is a pity-me shrug and some apologetic eyes.

Until I explained that in Britain, we have a new system which means we get a prime minister and a head of state that no one has voted for at all.

NISSAN NEEDS A DEMOCRACY LESSON THE boss of Nissan warned this week that if the EU puts tariffs on cars made in post-Brexit Britain, he’ll be passing the bill on to the Government. So what he’s saying is that we, the British taxpayers, must help keep his cars cheap for customers in France and Germany.

I’m not sure he understands how democracy works.

Or business for that matter.

Nissan gambled that Britain would stay in the EU. They lost. The end.

Correct to complain

THE neighbours of a man who had parked his electric car in the shared hallway of their block of flats were criticised this week for daring to complain.

He left a 20p piece to cover the cost of the communal electricity he was using to charge up his silly Renault.

11 Cheeky beggar . . . car left charging in hallway Credit: Mercury Press

And was shocked when someone actually took it.

Well I’m sorry, matey-boy, but if someone started parking a car in the hallway of my block, I’d drop a V8 on it from the fifth floor.