After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at what’s in the stimulus bill.


Direct payments of $1,200 for single Americans, $2,400 for married couples, and $3,000 for those playing the field.




$32 billion to an airline industry that charged you for a blanket on your last flight.




Paywall taken off U.S. Unemployment Office website.



More protections than you’d think necessary to safeguard American people from their president.




Lot of money the government has spent decades telling Americans it didn’t have and couldn’t spend.




Probably something that sounds very good and turns out to be very bad.



Five dollars to Senator Ron Johnson for winning betting pool that Rand Paul would get virus first.




Every family will receive $500 per child, but officials may not come to collect the children until May.




Federal aid for independent contractors, such as Uber drivers and assassins.



A stern reminder that this is a one-time thing.

