This decade I’ve gone from detesting my body to finally feeling happy – ‘fat’ no longer works as an insult I’d grown up believing that there was only one way to be attractive: thinness. Now the idea of the ‘ideal’ figure is becoming outdated

On New Year’s Eve 2009/10, I detested my body. I was convinced I looked disgusting because over Christmas, I’d eaten solid food for the first time in months. Before that, I’d been living off diet soups and shakes. My breath stank, I needed the toilet constantly because I had to drink litres of water, and I sorely missed food. But everyone said I looked amazing and, crucially, I wasn’t fat!

Like many millennial women, I ‘d grown up believing that there was only one way to be attractive: thinness. The message was reinforced everywhere, from images in the media to the limited availability of exciting, affordable clothes to fit women over size 16.

Despite my rapid weight loss and tiny waist, I didn’t feel thin enough. I was a size 12-14 and according to my BMI, obese for my height. The only time I’ve ever had a ‘healthy’ BMI was in my late teens, when I had such bad bulimia I needed vocal chord surgery.

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I carried on with the milkshakes, on and off, for years. I’d lose pounds fast, but inevitably regain them when I returned to proper food. I’d had a baby young, and constantly compared my body to those of my slimmer, child-free friends. One beautiful summer day, I sat on a beach wearing a baggy black maxi dress, crying as I watched my friends leap into the sea with my son. I’d slept with someone in the group (lights off, of course) and couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing my body in daylight.

In 2013, I met a woman who’d go on to become one of my greatest friends. We discussed going on holiday, but I never wanted it to happen – she was a size 6 and the idea of being seen with her on a beach, in a bikini, was unthinkable.

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Thankfully, that was when things began to change. I signed up to Instagram for ‘clean eating’, but ended up finding the body positivity movement. Here was a place where women of all shapes and sizes posted photographs of themselves. These pictures weren’t for the male gaze; they were a generous gift to other women everywhere.

Suddenly, I saw women with arses as round and dimpled as mine, with torsos as saggy and stretch-marked. And they looked great.

It didn’t stop at Instagram. In 2015, there was outcry over Protein World’s ‘Beach Body Ready’ campaign. The penny was finally dropping: you didn’t need to be slim to wear a bikini, and the idea of women not being thin enough was making companies, like the manufacturer of my milkshakes, a hell of a lot of money.

Currently, I’m a size 18 and I have genuinely never been more comfortable in my skin. Exercise has become something I do for pleasure, not a punishing regime to try to lose weight. I eat healthily most of the time but, like everyone, indulge when I can. I think there are still milkshakes sachets in my house, but they’re buried under the stairs and well past their sell-by date.

I’ve just binged-watched Shrill, an excellent TV show with a strong, fat female lead. Last month, I saw the magnificent Lizzo live. If only teenage me could have seen a beautiful, fat woman on stage, playing the flute, dancing, singing and rapping (about body positivity!) I can’t help but think I’d have saved myself a hell of a lot of suffering.

There’s been a change in the clothes available to fat women too, with more fashion companies ditching airbrushed models and offering non-dowdy clothes in a much broader range of sizes.

Last year, I went on holiday with my size 6 friend: we both wore bikinis to the beach. And had a lovely time! When I used the ‘Best 9’ app to reveal my most popular Instagram posts of 2019, the top two were of me wearing a bikini. Last night, I had a hot date and deliberately wore an outfit that clung to my curves instead of hiding them – Christmas indulgence belly and all.

I and many others have so much to thank the body positivity movement for. As we enter a new decade, the idea of the ‘ideal’ figure is becoming outdated. And fat no longer works as an insult: it’s simply an adjective, like tall or short, or stunning.