Is he an unapologetic misogynist who treats wives as disposable accessories and legacy-factories? Yes, he does, because he’s a monster and I want a monster President.

Is he the first American presidential candidate since WW2 to suggest that we create a register of American citizens of one specific faith, and demand that they report on fellow members of their faith to law enforcement? Yes, he’s an Islamophobic monster and I want a fear-mongering monster man to occupy the Oval Office.

Is this the first sign of his utter inhumanity? No, not at all. He’s been a monster as long as he’s been a viable presidential candidate, and in fact, was even a monster before that. We just didn’t care because back then, because he was a reality tv star. He has always been a monster and that’s why I have always wanted him to be my President.

Because I want to elect a monster for President.

The little guys in this country are sick of being stepped on and lied to. We want someone in government who speaks for us, regardless of how it’ll poll or whether or not the political establishment likes it — and we also want him to be a monstrous pile of garbage that has been gifted by the gods with the spark of life and now roams the media’s streets at night, finding new pussies to grab with his monster fingers and more young children to call hot.

Which he’s done. Even about his own infant daughter. Because — and again, I cannot stress this enough — he is a monster and I want a monster for President.

He’s rough around the edges! He’s tough! He’s not manicured, focus-grouped, or politically correct! He’s nothing like our current crop of gutless politicians, because those politicians do not actively attempt to be monsters, whereas Donald J Trump is a monster who once took out a full page ad in all four major New York newspapers calling for the death penalty for five innocent young men of color who had been falsely accused of rape, and even after the actual rapist admitted to doing it and provided DNA evidence proving he did it, Donald J Trump refused to concede that the five men might be innocent, as only as monster would do.

And that is my sole requirement for a candidate for the office of President: is this person a monster with an irredeemably corrupt soul? Yes?

Great. I want him to be my monster President.