Oslo, Norway – This affluent Scandinavian country of 5.3 million souls no longer allows religious couples to adopt children. The parliament voted 150 to 19 in favor of the Child Protection Act. Prime Minister Andrew Kanard signed the bill into law. The statute takes effect immediately.

Does The Child Protection Act Discriminate?

“Sure it does,” remarked Prime Minister Andrew Kanard. “If you think the criminal code discriminates against murderers, then I suppose the Child Protection Act targets the religious.”

Supporters of the law point to Richard Dawkins, renowned evolutionary biologist, atheist, and author of The God Delusion and his thoughts about the power religious parents have over children:

“There is a balancing act and you have to balance the rights of parents and the rights of children and I think the balance has swung too far towards parents,” he said. “Children do need to be protected so that they can have a proper education and not be indoctrinated in whatever religion their parents happen to have been brought up in.”

Prime Minister Kanard is quick to point out parents have no rights over their children. Rather, parents are stewards of the rights of their children. Parents protect their children and their rights up until the time the minor comes of age and can exercise their own judgment.

“Bringing up a child in a religious home is a form of child abuse. Religious indoctrination hobbles the cognitive capacity of the child,” he stated. “It may take years for the young adult to throw off the toxic beliefs from their deluded caregivers.”

The Satanic Temple Is Exempted

Members of The Satanic Temple (TST) are still able to adopt children under the new law. Lawmakers understand these Satanists belong to a non-theistic religion. While TST members enjoy a religious community and observe certain rituals, they do not believe Satan is “real.” The fact that TST is at its root “humanism with tattoos and attitude” means members to do not pose a threat to Norway.

Religious Reaction

American evangelicals are up in arms over this new threat to their Bronze Age lifestyle. Although the law just past, the religious right are responding:

Chik-fil-A is renaming its Waffle Fries to Not-Norway Fries.

President Trump is considering freezing all imports of Norwegian ice to the USA.

Evangelical churches are calling out their prayer warriors to launch ICBPs (Intercontinental Ballistic Prayers) against Norway.

Televangelists are running remedial geography lessons to educate their fans on what country to hate.

No one knows for sure if the tension between Norway and the United States will escalate. What is known, is that the children of Norway are more protected today than they were yesterday from the evils of religion.

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