Sending a child off to college can be a sad, lonely time for parents. That is, until they decide to take advantage of their newfound freedom. Why not travel, take a pottery class or turn your empty kid's room into a tricked-out den of depravity? Wait, what? I can't believe I just wrote that. It's perverted and wrong...just the way you like it. So grab the Mrs. and a suitcase full of Viagra because things are about to get crazy over in the burbs. Lighting:


The first thing you need to do is set an erotic mood. This giant bustier lamp should do the trick. [Japanese Bustier Lamp]


We all know that kids tend to wander back to the nest when the food and money runs out. That means you need a backup plan to protect your privacy. The "Sex in Progress" lamp will ensure that you kid will be running back to the dorm as fast as possible. Available for $25. [Baron Bob via Link] The Bed:

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Now it is time to focus on the most important part of the room—the bed. One option is to go with the Private Cloud—a patented rocking bed by German designer Manuel Kloker. Legend has it that a couple was so intense that they managed to complete one full revolution. Think of the possibilities. [Manuel Kloker via Link]


Prefer something a little...rougher? No problem. Try Master R's Dungeon quality BDSM play frame. To the naked eye it looks like an innocent four-poster frame, but it features special fittings for slings, mirrors, stocks and other restraints for weird, painful fun. Available for $2655. [Master R's]


No matter what bed you choose, the Karmasheetra is a good accessory. It's like an even more perverted version of Twister. Available for about $35. [Shiny Shack] Furniture:


No room would be complete without a few pieces of furniture, and the Adult Fun Stool is a must-have for any adult hideaway. The chair is spring loaded, so it will bounce up and down with you as you make good use of the attachment on top. Speaking of that, it is fully removable so you can use it like a traditional stool when not "in use." Just make sure to keep plenty of bleach on hand. Available for $315. [AFB]


Unfortunately, the legendary Vagina Couch was an art project sold on Craigslist earlier this year, so you may not be able to get your hands on the version pictured here. However, it could give you some good ideas if you are handy with a sewing machine. [Craigslist] Accessories:


Now that you have the major components of the room down, it is time to start adding some finishing touches. If you simply must have a landline phone in the room, the Bona Phone is the only way to go with its patented "touch bone dialing" and orgasm ringtone. What you choose to do with it beyond making phone calls is your business. Available for $27. [Sensual Universe via Link]


If you and the Mrs. enjoy a game of chess now and then, this erotic version is sure to satisfy on multiple levels—especially if you are into some weird stuff. The pieces in this set get really freaky. [Russian Mammoth]


The last thing you need when you finally have the house to yourself is another kid cramping your style. It's always safety first with the condom-dispensing panic button. [Link]


Bonus: Finally, what intimate evening would be complete without taking a drag on that after-sex cigarette? Therefore, it is only fitting that we conclude this journey into the nether regions of the soul with what is undoubtedly the most offensive ashtray ever conceived of by man. [Link]