ULTRA-TOPEKA, KS—Holding his hand over the USB port implanted below his left ear, local Luddite Thomas Berkshire reportedly refused to merge consciousness Tuesday with his new self-driving 2070 Hyundai Elantra. “Uh oh, big scary technology is gonna steal Thomas’s very essence if he plugs in his brain stem to the car’s artificial neural network,” said friend Danny Perez, explaining how annoying it is to listen to the self-described technophobe constantly rant about the dangers of handing over his human autonomy to unthinking, barely regulated AI systems. “Thomas needs to stop fighting progress and realize that mentally fusing with our vehicles actually makes work more efficient. The singularity has vastly improved the quality of all our lives because once you’re integrated with the computer, you don’t require food or need to experience emotions. He’s so self-righteous about how he’s gonna drive his Hyundai Elantra instead of letting it drive him, but honestly, it just makes him sound like an old-fashioned sourpuss.” At press time, the Luddite’s consciousness was placed inside the county jail website after he was arrested for smashing an Amazon delivery bot.

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