This is an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. “We did it,” Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers “the money shot.”

Also confessing was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (or “KSM” as he is known to lazy Americans). KSM had long eluded capture by the Americans by disguising himself as a grizzly bear. Later it was revealed that it wasn’t a disguise; he is just really, really hairy. He twice escaped captivity by pretending to be a dog with rabies, but was recaptured while picking nits and lice out of his fur.

Calling themselves the Hairy Brothers of Destruction, Mr. Jeremy and KSM confessed to a long list of crimes against humanity.

Authorities also seized a hard drive containing details of several assassination plots (including attempts to kill the Pope, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter’s gardener), and hundreds of gigs of midget porn, bestiality porn, and pictures of Ron Jeremy rubbing KSM with sandpaper in what appears to be an attempt at hair removal.

The deranged duo admitted to being tortured by federal agents, and hinted at Abu Ghraib-style torture involving being stacked in a pile of naked men and being led around on a leash. They also indicated that they kind of liked it.

While enjoying a breakfast of bacon and eggs the confessed masterminds of 9/11 assured their interrogators that they were devout Muslims and that their confession was not coerced: “Karl Rove didn’t call me and ask for a confession in exchange for 30 Brazilian hookers. Nothing like that happened, at all” Mr. Jeremy assured his captors, who then fed the revelations to several unquestioning, servile reporters, including this one.

KSM supplied a type-written note that listed all of the crimes the duo is responsible for masterminding. The list includes:

the bombing of U.S. Cole

the decapitation of Daniel Pearl

the planting of explosives that brought down WTC 7

farting in the interrogation room — twice

the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, Indonesia

jump-starting Paris Hilton’s career

the Democrats’ strong showing in the November elections

happy-slapping

Abu-Ghraib (specifically: getting the Americans caught)

Hurricane Katrina

eye-boogers

killing Anna Nicole Smith

causing President Bush to appear stupid and clueless on TV

the Hindenburg disaster

pimples

the estate tax

the illusion of global warming (to scare hippies)

the Oklahoma City bombing

Watergate

killing Jesus Christ (and Old Yeller)

Ron Jeremy supplied an identical list, but he crossed out “Paris Hilton” and wrote “virneeral dizees”, then crossed that out and wrote “VD.”

The above information was provided to reporters on the condition that we not mention Alberto Gonzales, the word “impeachment” or the many inconsistencies in the official 9/11 story for 3 weeks. Naturally, we agreed because we just repeat whatever they say anyway.

[ed.: wait... were we supposed to repeat that last part?... i'd better call karl. hold till then]

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!