"You don't know until you're tested, but I really believe I'd run in there, even if I didn't have a weapon." — the president of the fucking United States

Our country has a sickness. We are unduly horny for certain “tubular ranged weapons designed to discharge projectiles,” otherwise known as “guns.” They are the one constant in mass shootings, a uniquely American nightmare. And the debate about how to reduce the number and frequency of these horrific and all-too-familiar shootings (again, by guns) is almost never an authentic conversation between good-faith gun aficionados and every other person in the country. No, regrettably, this screaming homily is most often shepherded by lunatics: the NRA, Alex Jones, the Republican Party, and that dude you haven’t seen since high school but who is always posting ambiguously racist memes on Facebook.

These people will say anything. They will build straw men atop the corpses of slaughtered children. They will vapidly drop divine words like “liberty” and “freedom” and argue with confidence that (law-abiding) gun owners alone are holding back the barbarians at the gates and the tyranny of centralized government thanks to their concealed-carry permits and their dutiful lust for the Second Amendment. But the only thing these fraudulent hucksters have the courage to die for are Wayne LaPierre’s talking points. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun! Chicago! Mental health! Bad apples! Politicizing the issue! Crisis actors! Yes, motherfucking crisis actors!

Still, lack of moral fiber aside, they can be very creative. One of the more popular solutions put forth is to simply arm teachers. You know, with guns! Really O.K. Corral it up! (Never mind that on Wednesday, a teacher in Georgia was arrested for discharging a gun in a classroom.) Donald Trump, the, uh, president, has of course thrown his own confused extemporaneous support behind this. Recently, conservative columnist Kimberley Strassel even suggested that teachers should be given flashbang grenades. But these fools don’t really want to stop at a few stun grenades or Glocks. This is America. No half-measures.

Grenades. Why stun grenades? There are way better and much cooler grenades! One of the very best grenades is the World War I–era “potato masher” or Stielhandgranate. Put a bunch of those in the supply closet for a rainy day and, assuming no frequent accidental explosions, it’s probably at least a lateral move.

Vets. There are hundreds of trained warriors out there who would protect schools for free. We should utilize the skills and ferocity of retired police dogs and also dogs who have served overseas in theaters such as Iraq or Afghanistan. If they smell evil, they will bark.

Other high-tech weaponry. Pressure teachers to invest their pensions in developing the totally awesome technology required to build the Golden Gun featured in that really cool game from your youth, Goldeneye. It kills with just one magical shot! Doesn’t matter whom you are shooting at: Russians, Sean Bean, a suspicious-looking kid. Whatever! Also, and this is just spitballing, what about that Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts?

Arming everyone. Arm EVERYONE in the United States. This is a bit communist, but it would ensure everyone has an equal chance of survival when the daily shootings kick off.

BuzzFeed quizzes. All prospective teachers will be required to take the BuzzFeed quiz “ARE YOU A GOOD GUY [WITH A GUN]?” to accurately determine whether or not they’ll be effective against Bad Guys [with Guns]. The questions are all about Harry Potter and Zayn.