TEMPE, AZ—While acknowledging that patrolling the human body was at times both stressful and dangerous, a lone white blood cell long hardened by its repeated violent contact with influenza, papilloma, and the common cold acknowledged Wednesday that it no longer hesitates to kill viruses. “When I come across a strain of rhinovirus, for instance, or maybe rotavirus, I attack first and ask questions later,” said the 3-day-old leukocyte, adding that it had seen “a lot of shit go down” during its time in the lymphatic system and no longer questioned or even thought about the split-second decision to absorb enemy pathogens. “The idea of murdering some germ used to tear me up inside, but when I lost a couple hundred thousand friends to diarrhea I realized it’s either us or them. You show one of those fuckers any mercy and they get into decent cells and start replicating their genome. Well, not on my watch.” As of press time, the white blood cell was making its way to the larynx to investigate reports of a scratchy throat.

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