Don’t get me wrong, modern technology is amazing. But for all the convenience the Internet offers there’s one area where I wish it wouldn’t go out of it’s way to make my life easier. I can’t begin to type any word into Google without it “helpfully” bringing up all the things I’ve searched for in the past that start with the same letter. When my mother-in-law visits and is trying to look up American Airlines I don’t need Google to show her how I looked up “amanda seyfried boobs” or “awesome fatal car accidents.” Google search history is like the friend you kick under the table because he doesn’t realize he needs to shut up. I’ve even tried to google how to delete search history and the second I type the “d” I get reminded how I’ve previously looked up “daphne/velma 3way” and “diarrhea cha cha cha lyrics.” Those were one time things I was interested in, Google search history! Nobody looks up lyrics to songs about diarrhea twice. Just forget I ever asked. There are people sitting nearby in this coffee shop and you’re embarrassing me.

Case in point: type in “O’ and two things that come up are “organic baby food” (hers) and “origami shaped like penises” (mine). Thanks, search history. I was hoping for an unsubtle reference to how little I’ve developed as an adult. That will do nicely. And it’s not just that I’m shame-faced about my past searches. Sometimes I’m just perplexed. For the life of me I can’t remember what I was thinking that made me Google “outlet face” or “milk moustache hitler” or “poop white background.” Clearly there was a time when I thought these were things I needed to research more deeply. Now they’re just riddles with no answer. I feel like a drunk finding indescipherable notes I left myself in my apartment. And guess what, Google search history? I don’t want to feel like that! What does “poop white background” even mean? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. The guy that googled that is not a guy I want to remember. Let me live in the present. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to re-look up the lyrics to Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha. I should probably print them out this time.