TUSCALOOSA, AL—Confirming decades of speculation concerning the potentially disruptive effects of runaway literacy, scientists at the University Of Alabama published a study Tuesday establishing a definite and potentially dangerous link between the practice of book learnin’ and increased back talk. “According to our data, processing information from these highfalutin’ books has a direct correlation to getting a little too big for your britches and turning into a real sass-back,” said professor and co-author Jedediah Lee Lutz, noting that participants who gleaned moon-eyed ideas from reading were much more likely to get notions way above their raising. “There appears to be a clear connection between book learnin’ and acting like you plum don’t got no horse sense.” Lutz recommended that concerned authority and parental figures simply smack them book talkin’s right out the offending party’s fancy little mouths.

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