For decades, Mario Kart has tested friendships with ruthless competition and turtle shells. Despite being "just a game," the truth is that we've all felt a little exaggerated rage over losing first place to a frickin' banana peel.

Now that Mario Kart 8 has officially released on Wii U, it's time for another dose of borderline unhealthy competition.

See also: 10 Mario Facts to Super Jump Punch Your Brain

To alleviate some of the stress you felt as a kid in the '90s, we decided to spike the game — no, not like the blue Koopa shell, but with some (responsible) adult fun.

Ready? Here we go!