The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round – 5 BYU 83, 13 Vermont 73

As the clouds drew dark and the air turned cold, non-muggles in attendance knew what was around the corner.

As He Who Must Not Be Named and his Cougars handled Vermont, 83-73, in the second round of Reddit March Madness, laying the Catamounts in waste. BYU head coach Tom Riddle said he would not be stopped from achieving his ultimate goal: total dominance.

“I think this team could really do something special this March,” he said, wiping away the tears from his near-translucent cheeks. “If we keep playing team ball and working together like we have been, I don’t think a national championship is out of the question. And then finally we can rid ourselves of the muggle burden. Death to all muggles.”

The Dark Lord’s most successful Death Eater was Jake Toolson, who slaughtered numerous innocent Vermont defenders throughout the bloodbath to the tune of 31 points on 10-of-21 shooting from the field and six triples. He shared a similar sentiment to his head coach after the victory.

“We really could win it all,” Jake Toolson said, licking the blood of Catamounts whose souls he’d sucked from their bodies during the game, grinning as it dripped from his fangs. “We’re hungry for supremacy and will to get it by any means necessary. We are willing to kill.”

One of 11 three-pointers BYU splashed on Vermont on the night. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

After an outstanding performance in the first round, Vermont center Daniel Giddens followed it up with a dud, which made a lot of people really mad. Giddens notched a double-double in the first round against Louisville. Versus BYU, he mustered 0 points and 1 rebound.

It wasn’t good for his anxiety, especially when I grilled him about it.

“Why did this have to happen to me? I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want this. I just wanted to play basketball with my friends. That’s all I ever wanted,” he said frantically, feeling around at the table and microphone in a haphazard effort to feel rooted in reality. “Am I living in a simulation or something?”

The loss brings an end to the collegiate career of Vermont forward Anthony Lamb, whose 18 points wasn’t enough to save the Catamounts tonight. It appeared likely that he would pursue a professional basketball career after college, but in a surprise turn of events, he showed up to the post-game press conference confessing his true love.

“Sheep,” he said, toting along Calista, the youngest sheep in the Lamb family’s flock, with him to the presser. “I love sheep. Look at this little girl. Who would care for her and slaughter her brutally, yet gently, better than me? I can’t leave her. Shepherding runs too deep. It’s in my name.”

BYU is on to its first Sweet 16 since 2011 and is one win away from getting to its first Elite Eight since 1981, and with how Jake Toolson and other Cougars have been playing in this tournament and to close the regular season, it’s possible this could be a banner year for the program. That has Provo residents pretty excited.

“My mommy and daddy said that if the Cougars go to the Final Four, God is listening to my prayers!” said 8-year-old BYU fan Ammon Bluth, jumping up and down with joy before stopping, his face dropping and the sudden malaise of reality beginning to churn in his young mind. “Wait, what does it mean if they don’t?”

BYU will face the winner of No. 1 seed Kansas and No. 8 seed Saint Mary’s (Sunday at 8 p.m. EST) in the Sweet 16, which is set to be streamed live on YouTube on April 3-4, unless something else screws up. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.