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"Men must throw themselves at you," he says.

"Never one that I wanted," she replies.

"Barf," I whisper to my cat.

Ana and Christian don't have any real emotional bond. They don't share any interests or hobbies that we know of. Christian flies airplanes, drives boats, and plays piano. Ana reads, and ... honestly, I'm guessing about the reading thing. She works at a publishing company, but never really talks about having any hobbies at all. The only thing Christian can possibly like about her is her virginity and her looks. He knows very little about her beyond that.

Universal Pictures

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The conclusion seems to be that if you have sex outside of anything more than a loving committed relationship, you'll end up a stalker, or being blackmailed, or meddling obsessively in your ex's life. However, if you save your virginity for the right person, he will be a billionaire with a nine pack whose favorite activities are braiding your hair and going down on you. The only thing that endangers their relationship is the fact that he didn't save his virginity for her too.

The Sex Is Incredibly Tame (But Is Treated As Depraved)

After watching all three of these movies in a row, I can safely say that I've never gotten so bored of watching two strangers with perfect bodies get it on. It has always been billed as being very taboo, envelope-pushing sex (I mean, this is literally the only thing the series is known for), but it pretty much boils down to the same thing every time: He handcuffs her or ties her up for a bit, either spanks her or goes down on her, then unties her, and they have sex in the lord's favorite sex position, missionary. This scandalous, boundary-pushing series has by my count a total of three featured sex positions across three movies, and that's only because they snuck in girl-on-top when they had sex fully clothed in a car (GASP).