Subverted Holy Person: Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to join (Random male and female names) in the holy celebration of Matrimony.

(Random Female Name) will you temporarily cease to ride the c~~~ carousel? To accept and tolerate your beta provider (for the time being), to cherish his wallet and all that it provides until the right opportunity to upgrade comes along? Or, you succumb to the temptations of Chad Thunderc~~~ or Brad Clitmaster? Will you continue to put your needs ahead of his as well as your future children’s?

Random Female: I do

Subverted Holy Person: And you (random male name), will you accept the potential for complete financial ruin, to chance losing everything you have worked for you entire life? Do you plan to love and provide like a mindless simp every materialistic need for her? To give in to every demand for a shallow life of faux luxury? To accept her no matter how much she changes both physically and mentally. Will you endure a sexless marriage, while at the same time sacrificing your hobbies, friends and dreams? Do you understand she (reluctantly) chose was forced to accept yours over the other 26 c~~~s that didn’t man up?

Random Male: I do

Subverted Holy Person: I know pronounce you Slave and Wife, you may kiss the Bride’s herpes invested lips.