OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker. “Paul—man—Paul was one of the greats,” said Budd, clad in a skintight black T-shirt and taking a solemn swig from his 24-ounce can of Amp Energy before adding, “Way too soon.” “Imagine if he was still here today? Damn. The next Fast [And The Furious] movie won’t be nearly as good without Paul in it. It sucks, man. It sucks.” Budd went on to say that while Walker’s death was tragic, “thank God it wasn’t Vin [Diesel].”

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