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The home secretary Theresa May has vowed that the Government will “systematically confront and challenge extremist ideology” as she detailed new curbs on “all those who spread hate, except us.”

Speaking to a packed press conference Mrs May said “It’s absolutely fine for us to demonize immigrants, poor people, single mothers and the sick and disabled, but we’re certainly not going to tolerate it in other people. Coming over here and ripping off our act. It’s quite unacceptable.

“We understand that in order to create a more compassionate and understanding society we should lead by example. But we’re not going to. Instead we’re going to combat the spread of intolerance and bigotry by blaming every single Muslim for the actions of extremists. That’ll show them.”

Mrs May’s plan will begin by blacklisting anyone who isn’t white and posh and getting everyone else to prove their Britishness over a series of weekly tasks, a bit like Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice. One week they’ll all need to go to church on Sunday mornings, mow their front lawns and cook a Sunday roast. Another week they’ll need to visit a posh restaurant and know exactly which cutlery to use with each course. Followed by a week where they’ll need to go out on the piss in their local town centre before purchasing a kebab and having regrettable sex.

A spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain told us that the Mrs May’s plans were “Absolutely fantastic and a triumph for common sense. Routing out deep rooted unpleasantness by being deeply unpleasant. Superb idea. We’ll be right behind her as soon as we’ve finished taking the blame for something that isn’t our fault.”