Parenting Tips for Raising a Confident Mediocre White Man

In a world that occasionally rewards hard work, persistence and talent, how can ordinary moms and dads achieve this goal?

you must help him be (semi) great!!!!

When you ask them what they want for their child, most modern parents respond the exact same way: They aspire for their children to grow up to be Confident Mediocre White Men. But in a world that occasionally insists on rewarding hard work, persistence and talent, how can ordinary moms and dads achieve this parenting goal?

Here are some strategies to bring out the Confident Mediocre White Man that lies inside every child.

Tell Them to “Be There”

It happens to every child who’s not an exceptional athlete. On the dodgeball pitch, two captains pick their teammates and player after player is selected until the last one — perhaps your poor kid — is left standing. What can parents do to help children avoid this playground humiliation?

The answer is “Be There”. Tell your child to make their presence known by stepping forward, coughing loudly or perhaps telling a joke about how the foreign kid runs like a girl. This strategy not only ensures they’ll get picked midway through team selection, but it teaches them the tools for later in life, when “Being There” will likely be the key to securing a job promotion.

Encourage Them to “Ask for Things”

Free Range Parenting is all the buzz these days, and well-meaning caregivers consequently fall into the trap of instructing their children to “do for themselves.” The result of this parenting fail is that children grow into the kind of adults who pause before asking for assistance. “I don’t want to bother anyone,” a person raised in this fashion might say, or, “I should actually just handle this by myself.”

Confident Mediocre White Men never learned these self-defeating boundaries. When a need pops into their head, they immediately ask for it to be fulfilled. Whether it’s requesting a raise, wondering out loud if Alice knows how to use the printer or arranging to meet with a seasoned professional for coffee so he can mooch all her contacts, Confident Mediocre White Men intuitively understand how to “Ask for Things.”

Teach Them How to Delegate

Say your child has forgotten their homework. Again. What kind of instruction do you give that child?

Do you:

a. Tell them that homework is their responsibility.

b. Remind them about homework in the evenings, because some children need a little help remembering.

c. Encourage them to ask Alice, who always does her homework, to let them copy the assignment on the bus.

If you answered “c”, you are well on your way to raising a Confident Mediocre White Man. Kudos to you!

Reject Rejection Aggressively

Did your child’s artwork not make it into the school newsletter? Did you tell them, “Never mind. We’ll try again next time!” That was a big mistake.

Try this approach instead: Rip up the newsletter and explain how the editor must be an idiot who wouldn’t know a good drawing of a spaceman if it slapped them in the face.

Like many successful people, Confident Mediocre White Men don’t take rejection personally, and by adding the coup de grâce of impugning the rejecter, CMWM will never have to pause, reflect or improve their performance.

Give Them the Gift of Self Belief/Self Promotion

Today’s children receive medals and awards for just about everything — attendance, eating neatly, smiling — you name it, they get a prize for it. This unctuous practice is an important component in raising a generation of uninspiring men who wield disproportionate power. Constant, unearned praise is the petri dish in which Confident Mediocre White Men thrive.

If Self Belief plants the seeds of Confident Mediocre White Men, then Self Promotion is the cheap lawn fertilizer. While plenty of talented people fail, a Confident Mediocre White Man who praises himself without shame is sure to succeed. Stress to your child the importance of talking about themselves and exaggerating their abilities. They mustn’t worry about the truth or consider the consequences of fabricating skills from the factory of their bloated egos. Remind your child of the special rule that applies to them: When they speak, people are likely to believe the stuff that comes out of their male mouths.

Dismissing What Doesn’t Serve You

When your child comes home from school and tells you how Alice complained that the teacher never calls on the girls in the class, life has handed you a golden teaching moment opportunity. Don’t squander it.

Ask your child, “Does the teacher call on you?” If the answer is yes, they should just ignore it. Confident Mediocre White Men didn’t get where they are today by worrying about Alice who, I think we can all agree, is an aggressive and shrill little girl. Come to think of it, she’s also hysterical, what with her attitude and putting her needs out there and everything. Your child should tell Alice to smile more. And then ask to copy her homework.