May 31, 2016 - News Post

In Friday's news, I discussed the possibility of gaining super powers due to my radioactive spider bites.

After visiting a "reputable" doctor, I found out that my disgusting swollen blisters were actually the result of a brush with poison ivy, and NOT a glowing spider as I'd previously assumed.

When I asked a simple but logical question as to whether this would lead to me controlling people's minds like Poison Ivy would do in the comics, her answer was not the least bit helpful.

The doctor, instead of giving me the answer I requested, dodged the issue and stated that gaining super powers was unlikely to occur in the real world. She went on to say, on a personal note, that I should "get my head out of my ass."

I wasn't thrilled with that answer, but I was quite pleased with the medication. She gave me some weird steroids to deal with the itchy rash. Steroids!!! The doctor can claim super powers don't exist all she wants, but in the end, it seems I'm getting my super strength after all.

-Jeff