Every season a bunch of websites list their top thirty or top ten prospects or players to watch or blah blah blah. The problem is, no one really know what’s going to happen. One guy could be amazing and then four more could be busts. Prospects are just that, and most of them don’t work out – just ask the Sons of Anarchy.

It’s with this mindset I present to you the first annual Top Twenty Names in the Padres Organization!

I’ve searched through each teams roster to look for the names I thought were the absolute best. Names that stood out or just sounded awesome. Names of players whose jersey I’d buy if ever given the chance. The best part about this list is it’s bulletproof! You can’t change your name, it just is. I mean I guess some folks can, but mostly you don’t! You can be the worst player ever or the best player ever and your name will still be Mackey Sasser.

This is not up for debate – I am right and you are wrong. Enjoy the ranked list:

20) Tom Cosgrove – P – Tin Caps

Staten Island, NY

This is a great name to start the list. Why? It’s basically the name of every relief pitcher from the 1970s. It’s easy, familiar, and looks good on a jersey because it could be your last name. “Cosgrove” is fun to say and something that Tom Cruise probably yelled in one of his movies. It’s not amazing, but it’s solid.

19) Cory Spangenberg – 2B – Padres

Clarks Summit, PA

This is a great one to put here. “Cory” is boring, but his last name is classic. It’s one of those names that demands a nickname, sounds made up, should be made up, and also allows you to sympathize with him, because middle school was probably a hard time. “Spangenberg” looks great on a jersey and also allows people to see that you like the deep cuts. He’ll never be famous, and might never be that good, but he is a Padre and all Padres fans know that.

18) Raffy Lopez – C – Chihuahuas/Padres

Philadelphia, PA

See, this is a great one to come in at 18 because it’s the opposite of another name on the previous name on this list – Cory Spangenberg. At first glance you’ll like it cause of “Raffy”, but this is a trick because it won’t look great on a jersey and that’s important. The jersey would just say “Lopez” and there’s nothing fun about that really. Don’t fall for the great first name, but Raffy is enough to make the list.

17) Brad Hand – P – Padres

Minneapolis, MN

I mean, this one is a no-brainer. It’s not a top ten name and “Brad” is so white it’s almost racist. However, “Hand” is perfect. Great on a jersey, Fast Times references, and great memes and gifs. Solid number 17.

16) Auston Bousfield – CF – Missions

Oakland, FL

Okay. So, I am never a big fan of people spelling names slightly differently just for kicks as it’s more annoying than a paper cut. Think about how many teachers this kid has pissed off over the years. It’s probably way too many. But, then you look at where he was born and you get it. Oakland FLORIDA. Ugh. Nothing about this is right on, its all slightly off. However, it works. Very well. Fun to say, fun to talk about, and will look good on a jersey. Reminds me of a Madison Bumgarner or Clayton Kershaw. Sounds like a boating name.

15) Joey Lucchesi – P – Padres

Newark, CA

If you’re a fan of any mobster movie, or the heavily underrated and overrated film Mobsters then you understand why he’s on the list. “Lucchesi” is one of the real five families, and “Joey” is the perfect first name for his delightful last name. It sounds like a delicious pasta dish or a cool dive bar in Newark. Looks great on a jersey cause there aren’t many outwardly Italian last names in baseball, and it’s just fun to say out loud the way Artie would in The Sopranos.

14) Hudson Potts – 3B – Storm

Southlake, TX

We all know at this point that I love this name. It’s a definite catcher from MLB The Show, or a detective from a BBC series in the 1980s. “Hudson” on its own is a good name. Sounds fun, always down for a good time or a deep sea dive. “Potts” is great on a jersey, fun to say, and a nickname on its own. Perfect flow with a strong finish.

13) Franmil Reyes – RF – Chihuahuas

Dominican Republic

This falls under the same rule as Raffy Lopez, only “Franmil” is an incredible first name! Like where does that even come from? Family name? A mix of all the names in your family? I did no background so I can’t say, but for these lists you can’t do background! There’s no fun in explaining to someone how a name came to be, just that it is.

12) Jason Jester – P – Missions

Longview, TX

Immediate inclusion based on Top Gun quotes alone. This checks off a lot of boxes – alliteration, nice flow, good balance, and sounds like where he’s from. There’s no way you don’t meet a Jason Jester and assume he’s from Southern California or Texas. Only two options: He’s either a surfer or a starting QB in Dillon.

11) Lake Bachar – P – Storm

Winfield, IL

At first glance there’s no way this kid is from Illinois, but in fact he is, and I have no doubt he was born near a lake. This is a great name to stay shy of the top ten, because it’s good, but the one rule it breaks is it doesn’t sound good together. It’s too rough around the edges, it’s not easy to spell, and you’ll almost always pronounce it wrong. But, all in all it’s unique and is visually appealing.

10) Rod Boykin – LF – Missions

Montgomery, AL

Rod. Boykin. Convince me that’s not a top ten name! I dare you! So much to love with this name. Sounds like the third lead in a buddy cop movie, or an infielder you don’t remember from Major League. Just a delight to say. Somewhat funny, but not stupid. Slightly dorky, but also contains “Rod”, which always has the ability to out-drink you. Rod. Boykin.

9) Tirso Ornelas – CF – Tin Caps

Tijuana, MX

My first thought when seeing this name was “Yes!” It’s a tad clunky for sure. You’re gonna guess at pronunciation but you will more than likely be correct. For whatever reason it sounds more exotic than Tijuana, but what do I know? I want to assume it means something cool, and again since no research should be done we get to assume it does mean something cool! In fact we can just make it up – Tirso means Super Dope and Ornelas means Rad Guy. It doesn’t but it could.

8) Cal Quantrill – P – Missions

Canada

The first Canadian entry on the list, and I’m shocked to learn “Cal” is in fact Canadian. His name doesn’t sound Canadian. It’s sounds Texan or even Oklahoman, or something you’d say with a drawl. Regardless, like with poutine and Rick Moranis the Canadians get it right more often than not and Cal Quantrill is awesome. Sounds American and South African at the same time. Great flow and Quantrill looks great on a jersey because it’s specific and you’re either talking about one of two players.

7) Ty France – 3B – Missions

Downey, CA

This is a classic name that most everyone will like. The name of a location is always fun (I know from personal experience) and works even better when it’s set up. For example if France was the first name it wouldn’t be as good, as its an abrasive start that doesn’t leave a lot of concern for what comes next. You get stuck on why your parents would name you “France” ( I know from personal experience). So, Ty is a great start, it’s short, sounds cool, is fairly meaningless and sets up a great last name, which needs no explanation. Although I feel bad for how many Freedom Fries jokes this kid probably went through in his life.

6) Walker Lockett – P – Chihuahuas

Jacksonville, FL

This is a great combo of names. Sounds southern, like a confederate general, and it may have been! I didn’t do any research. And, I don’t support the confederacy, but still this is a solid name. You kind of wish it was your name and it sounds like the name of the other team’s quarterback on an episode of Friday Night Lights.

5) Ruddy Giron – 3B – Storm

Dominican Republic

Man, what a great name. Just great. Could easily be number one, but not this time. In fact five through two are essentially tied. The Dominican rules at names. They all sound made up on the spot or purposefully incorrect versions of American names, which I adore. Ruddy Giron is the bad guy from every Sly Stallone movie. Could be the Russian in Rocky IV or the man bad guy in Cobra. He sounds tough and dirty and dangerous. He also sounds like a sweetheart of a big teddy bear. The two words shouldn’t be good together but they are, and you would almost never say them separately, which is a plus.

4) Dalton Erb – P – Dust Devils

Torrance, CA

Like I just said five through two are basically a tie and here is another prime example of that. “Dalton” is great because of its immediate reference to Road House, and because it sounds like a guy who’d buy you a beer regardless of your age. “Erb” is a great last name as it’s almost perfection on the back of a jersey. I also like it because as a parent I feel like I maybe knew what his parents were thinking: Erb is not a cool last name, he will get made fun of a lot, so let’s give him a strong first name. You can’t make fun of Dalton. It’s impossible. Chances are if you did you would get punched. Erb is just icing on the badass cake.

3) Forrestt Allday – RF – Missions

Galveston, TX

I mean, wow. Just, wow. If this name wasn’t so absolutely ridiculous it would be our winner. Unfortunately, it is absolutely ridiculous. The spelling of Forrestt is just obnoxious and there’s at least three acceptable ways someone could spell the last name. I hate this kid’s parents, however, I do love the name. This is the closest someone will get to coming up with a generated name from MLB The Show, and that is no easy task. This name is great for nicknames, on the back of a jersey, and reminds people of Forrest Gump, which is a plus, unless you remember why Forest Gump was named Forest. It’s a solid number three, but will never be number one due to the confusion it can and will cause.

2) Franchy Cordero – CF – Padres

Dominican Republic

I’m breaking my own rule by including this one in the Top Ten. It shouldn’t be here, but “Franchy” is so good. It’s one of those first names that becomes your name. You’d get a jersey with Franchy on the back and no one would blame you or get mad. It’s like Ichiro but in a uniquely Padres style. The fact that Franchy is playing so well is just a bonus. Like, imagine getting four good years of Franchy? A lot more fun than four good years of “Alex”.

1) Rowan Wick – P – Missions

Canada

This wasn’t as close as I’d hoped it would be, because this name is clearly awesome. It’s our second Canadian, but unlike Cal sounds very Canadian. Sounds like the first Prime Minister of Canada or something extremely important, vibrantly current, and authentically classic all at the same time. This could be the name of your best friend or Father Time’s real name. Great first name followed by a solid last name, which looks great on a jersey. Like, so good people will think it’s made up – which it was by Mr. and Mrs. Wick. We don’t know if he’ll ever make it to the bigs, but I hope he does as Wick would look great in brown and gold.

Coaches (the honorable mentions): Bronswell Patrick – Chihuahuas Jimmy Jones – Missions Burt Hooton – Tin Caps Skip Schumaker – Padres Johnny Washington – Padres