People never take me seriously and it’s incredibly discouraging.

I wonder sometimes what it is about me. Is it my size? I’m just a tiny thing, almost 30 yet standing only 5 feet maybe 3 three inches, I’m shorter than most high school children. and with a small frame and athletic build I haven’t really put on much weight since I graduated high school either. My point is, I’m the size of your 16 year old, if not smaller.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m not visible to other humans. I feel as though my physical appearance hinders my ability to be an adult and to be taken with that earnestness that adults seem to have.

Is it because I’m blonde? Is it because I have a nice face? Am I supposed to purely exist only for aesthetic purposes? Does that strip me of the right of having something interesting or important to say?

People don’t hear me. When I have conversations with others I can see them thinking about other things as I talk. I can watch the disinterest and boredom creep onto their face as they stop asking questions and fill in responses with Mhm, and Uh huh. Then 15 minutes later I bring up something from the conversation, and they have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s always fun…I love repeating myself. It’s not degrading at all when you do it on a consistent basis. (*there are hits of sarcasm in that last sentence.)

It’s really disheartening. I am young yes, but I’ve been through many difficult and life changing experiences. I have things to say. I have smart advice to give. I have the ability to help and improve in a number of ways. But when you are consistently shot down time after time, you start keeping your thoughts to yourself. You start getting quiet.

Is it me? Am I really just that boring? Do I really not have anything important to say?

I’m smart. I’m educated. I don’t shout off facts unless I’m like 98% sure I have the information correct. Maybe I sound preachy? That’s not intended. But I have to be doing something wrong…

Even sharing things with your closest friends or significant other start to get difficult because you start telling yourself no one really cares anyway. Because for someone like myself when that doubt sinks in, it’s like a dam that breaks. The dark waters fill my brain and that’s that. That’s when it’s really sad. Because those closest to you are always going to care. But also, those closest relationships, are the least serious of them all, because they are deep. You can show vulnerability with those you consider your family. Your loves. But that darkness sinks in and starts drowning by brain with thoughts like “They don’t care either. No one cares what you have to say or give.” I refuse to believe those dark thoughts though because I know that’s simply untrue for those who care about me.

But, now I am sitting here and I find myself wondering, do I even take myself seriously?

What’s involved in that even? And then isn’t there the saying that you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously? What the hell? Way to be confusing and contradictory Life…

Could there possibly be a balance we need to maintain. I understand the concept of not taking yourself too seriously in the sense that you need to be okay with making mistakes and learning things the hard way. There needs to be a realization that you can’t be perfect, and the things you do will never be absolutely 100% flawless, but trying your best is all that matters. And it’s incredibly important to be able to laugh at yourself rather than being to hard on your actions or choices.

However, I think taking yourself seriously is very important as well. You need to value your opinions and thoughts and yourself. I think by taking yourself seriously you can make better life choices, like eating healthy, exercising more, and just making smarter decisions that shape your life. This is definitely an area that I need to build a few improvements in, and I’m making that realization right now.

Perhaps, it’s all encompassing. Having the ability to laugh at yourself and your mishaps while still being able to believe in yourself and your perspectives. Maybe when you take yourself with more consideration you’re able to be more compassionate to yourself and others. Does all of this just go hand in hand? Does one feed the other and balance each other out like an 11th grade algebra formula?

Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I don’t put enough stock into my own goals and opinions. Maybe I think I’m a joke. A fraud. A failure. Maybe I don’t have faith in myself to accomplish everything I dream of doing…Maybe no one else can take me seriously, until I start accepting myself with a greater amount of seriousness.