Int. Parks department - election night

The Parks Department staff is watching election coverage. Leslie is front and center, wearing a pantsuit, an "I Voted" sticker, a #1 foam glove, and a Clinton hair-do. Jerry enters with a cake, oblivious to the room's gloomy mood.

Jerry

Hey, gang! I brought you some of Gayle's famous election cake.

Tom

Jesus, Jerry! Nobody wants your wife's terrible cake right now. We're watching orange Hitler take over the world.

Ron

Have some respect, Jerry. Our political system is failing and nobody can do anything to stop it.

Ron grins at camera.

April

Stop it, guys. Leslie is having a really hard time with this.

Ben

Thank you, April.

April

You're welcome, lesbian Owen Wilson's husband.

April glances at camera.

Ann

Leslie, it's going to be OK. Come on, let's shut the TV off and go to the Snakehole.

Tom looks excited.

Leslie

Shut up, Ann.

April

Jesus, Ann.

2.

Leslie

I'm sorry, Ann. I didn't mean that. You're a gorgeous liberal angel with beautiful hair and good skin and any guy would be lucky to have you.

April

Nasty woman.

Ann looks at camera.

Andy

I'm sorry, Leslie. I know what it's like to watch your hero get beaten.

Cut to: andy interview

Andy

(doing Bane impression)

Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it!

Cut to: parks department

Leslie

Thank you, Andy.

Cut to: andy interview

Andy

(doing Bane impression)

I was wondering what would break first...your spirit, or your body?

Andy reenacts Bane lifting Batman and then snapping him in half, using Tom as Batman. Andy walks around, hands raised in victory, while Tom lies "broken" on the ground.

CUT TO: parks department

Ron

Leslie, I'll tell you what my father told me when he lost a woodworking competition to our neighbor. "Son, sometimes your role models let you down. When that happens, it's up to you to pick up the pieces and become your own role model."

CUT TO: ron interview

3.

Ron

I moved out that day. I lived alone for five years, learning how to be a man. Didn't speak to my old man again until I turned 18.

Cut to: parks department

Donna

He's right, Leslie. Y'all can't let yourself get down about Hillary losing. You gotta buck up and be a role model for all these other little girl nerds who wanna do politics.

Jean-Ralphio enters.

Jean-ralphio

Did I hear the sweet sweet Meagle steezle chirping my name? A-hallo?

Ron

My God.

Tom

Jean-Ralphio!

Donna

Oh, hell no.

Jean-ralphio

TOMMY SALAMI. Give me twelve.

Jean-Ralphio gives Tom a double high five and then holds up his index fingers and makes Tom touch them like E.T.

Jean-ralphio

One for each sultry swinger that Mr. Big Hands Build-a-Wall Donnie T. himself grabbed by the pu--

Ben

OK. OK. That's enough. They've called it. We don't need to watch anymore. April, do you have the remote?

April puts the remote in the cake.

April

No.

4.

Andy and Ben look at the camera. Andy covers his mouth in mischievous amusement.

Jean-ralphio

Tell me, Lezzle Ka-zezzle: You want some of this bad hombre?

Leslie

Oh, my God, Jean-Ralphio.

Ben

You know I'm her husband, right?

Jean-ralphio

Her what now?

Chris Traeger enters.

Chris

Guys, you will not believe it. I have literally the best news in the entire universe.

Leslie lights up with hope.

Tom

Free cockie-cocks at the Snakehole?

Cut to: tom interview

Tom

Cocktails. Admittedly not my best effort. Off-the-cuff dope slang isn't a precise science.

Cut to: parks department

Chris

I was just rekindling an old flame with Millicent Gergich when the most amazing thought struck me.

April

What does "rekindling an old flame" mean, Chris?

Chris

Full disclosure: we were having sexual intercourse. Jerry, I want you to know we used two different types of protection.

5.

Jerry

Oh, jeez.

Cut to: chris interview

Chris

All natural organic lambskin condom, and natural family planning. You can never be too careful.

Cut to: parks department

Leslie

(dejectedly)

What's the good news, Chris? Did Zayn rejoin One Direction?

Tom

Damn, Leslie, don't play!

Jean-ralphio

(disgusted)

My God. Would you joke about 9/11?

Ron looks at camera.

April

Yeah, Chris, what's the good news? Did Ann's board games come alive like Jumanji and now her whole house is wrecked and she's homeless and has to live in the weird pit by her house like a tent person?

Andy looks at camera and puts a finger to his lips, shushing us.

Chris

Not exactly. While I was making tender, passionate, and -- quite frankly -- transcendent love to Millicent Gergich--

Jerry

Chris, you really don't need to--

All

Shut up, Jerry!

Chris

An epiphany struck me. Who is the most powerful man in the world?

6.

Tom

Mark Zuckerberg.

Andy

Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Ann

Barack Obama?

April

Orin.

Ron

Steven Jobs.

Cut to: ron interview

Ron

Any man who can convince billions of people to carry a tracking device that they consistently update with personal information is a powerful man.

(looks off screen, as if listening to someone)

He's dead?

(a beat)

Fine. The electric car guy, then.

Cut to: parks department

Donna

Jay Z.

Jean-ralphio

(singing)

Matthew Day-ay-mon.

(talking)

Matt Damon. Star of "Elysium."

Jerry

I'm gonna have to go with Tom, here. I think Mark Zuckerberg holds a lot of--

Tom

Jesus, Jerry! Can I change my vote?

Ben

Can I answer?

7.

Tom

We're not talking about dungeon masters, Ben, we're talking about the real world. Roll again.

Leslie

No, everybody shut up. Except you, Ann. I didn't mean you. You're an angel.

Ben looks at camera.

Chris

(clearly unsettled by the unexpected responses)

No, Ann Perkins was right. I was talking about President Barack Obama.

Ann

Boo ya!

April

Hey, Ann, AOL Instant Messenger called and they want their away message back.

Ann

That doesn't even...

Tom

Hahahaaaaa! Damn, Ann, what's your Hotmail address?

Ron

Yes, Ann, do you collect pogs?

Everybody looks shocked that Ron is getting in on the fun. There's a moment of silence, then:

Jean-ralphio

Yeah, Ann, what do you...not know where Elizabeth Smart is?

Ben

OK. That's more than enough. Jean-Ralphio, you have to go. Everybody else, get your stuff. We're going to the Snakehole.

Jean-ralphio

(while being pushed out)

Donna baby, you have my number? Tweet me, beep me, if you wanna reach me, peachy, preach, B!

8.

(screeches)

Screechy! Get it, Donna?

As people gather their jackets, we see Leslie still dumbfounded in front of the TV.

Leslie

This is the worst night of my life.

Ron

I know it seems hopeless right now, Leslie, but life goes on. Good always triumphs over evil in the long run. That's why we're here.

Leslie

You sound like one of Ben's board games.

Donna

Hey, what was your point, Chris? About the most powerful man in the world?

Chris

Well, I knew that in a situation like this, Leslie would be literally devastated. And I thought: the only person who could cheer her up is one of her greatest heroes.

Leslie

Joe Biden? Is it Joe Biden? Ben, go away. Put yourself in a closet. Is Joe Biden here?

Chris

Leslie, don't be absurd. I don't know Joe Biden.

Cut to: chris interview

CHRIS

But I did play squash with Barack Obama for three years in college.

Cut to: parks department

Joe Biden enters the room. Everybody except Andy freezes, starstruck.

9.

Joe biden

I heard there's a nasty woman in need of some emotional healin'.

Leslie Knope faints.

Andy

Oh, my God! Chris, you got her grandpa to come here?

THE END.