Acting's easy. Kids do it; anyone can do it. It's just playing. Method acting is cobblers. It's basically saying: 'Think of something from your life that has the same emotion as the emotion that you're supposed to be doing at the time.' Why not just be the character? That's easier.

Keanu Reeves and I never married. That was a funny rumour. Melissa Etheridge was supposed to hum the wedding march. We'd have had beautiful babies.

I've had sex on top of a sideboard in the Chateau Marmont. And on a grand piano. The best thing was the next day some friends came to my room for drinks and I looked over and there were all these fingerprints on the piano. I didn't say.

I'm not deaf. People seem to think that when they recognise you, you can't hear them. They point and go: 'It's him!' or 'He's Alan Cumming!' I go: 'Yeah, and he's not deaf.'

My toiletry line is still going strong. Cumming All Over body lotion is good, but I like Cumming In A Bar soap best. People used to say: 'I loved you in this' or 'I loved you in that.' Now they say: 'I love your fragrance.' I'm wearing Cumming now.

I hate Tom Stoppard. He's an elitist, pompous, emperor's-new-clothes thing. I went to the opening of one of his plays in New York. In the loos in the interval I said: 'Does anyone know what the fuck is going on in this play? I'm clever, I work in the theatre and I don't have a clue.'

The cliché is I'm flamboyant. And that there's nothing more I would like than to get up at a party or an event and sing a song. 'We'd just love it if you got up and sung "Willkommen" from Cabaret.' I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

There used to be a man's name above my pubes. It was tattooed there for six months before I had it removed. It was an intense relationship. He still has his. But instead of saying 'Alan' it now says 'Balance'. So we might tend to think he's not the most balanced person.

It's not been a high-earning year. I just did The Seagull off Broadway. I was getting paid less than half what I pay my assistant. When I did Garfield I did two days and made a ton. Those are the things that allow me to go off and do the piddly little things. But none of this theatre lark any more - I need to earn a bit of money.

Gabriel Byrne told me Steven Seagal had invited his children to a kids' party and there was an elephant there. That's what LA is like.

My relationship with drugs remains friendly. I'm still game. I'm getting on a bit, but I still have fun. It's always these young ones who can't handle it.

Americans have a lot of shame about sex. The fact they don't have a name for anything before penetration other than 'fooling around' says a lot. I could come over and ejaculate in your mouth and we wouldn't have had sex if we were in America. Lesbians never have sex.

I can't do everything. I was appalling in Full Grown Men. I was miscast. People were like: 'Oh my God. That's Alan Cumming playing a Minnesotan farmer.' I could have cast someone better. I was the producer, after all.

Men are better at fellatio. In the same way that women are better at cunnilingus. It's a part of their body they understand.

I dip in and out of therapy. I think doing interviews is kind of therapy. It's like seeing a therapist who goes and sells your story. Imagine what that feels like.

· Alan stars in Tin Man on the SCI FI channel, Sundays from 11 May