Step 1. Get Married

This small, simple step is an essential part to having a successful polygamous relationship. Might want to ask if she’s open to you marrying others down the road. If you’re worried she might say “no” then don’t bother. We’ve got you covered in the next few steps.

Step 2. Drop Hints

Tell her how much you love her and casually joke that you can “only handle one wife” to get a read on the situation. Mention how much you’d love to spend the whole day watching TV with her while “someone else” makes you a sandwich. Offer to help load the dishwasher by marrying another woman. If any of this backfires, use “just kidding” as the ideal way to backtrack.

Step 3. The Ask

“Just kidding” seems to be all you’re saying these days. Time to dive in and ask, point blank, if she’d be okay with you marrying a second wife. Brace for impact.

Step 4. Patience

She needs some time to cool off. Nobody said this was going to be easy. The couch is your new home. Bide your time and find the right moment to bring it up again. A spousal argument is ideal as it will likely end up resulting in one anyway.

Step 5. Apology

Okay, she doesn’t seem to be on board. Damage control. Get down on one knee and explain your methods were callous but you’re permitted up to four, Islamically speaking, and you still meant…whoa, incoming!

Step 6. Confusion

Where is she? You got home from work hours ago. What are you going to do? This was a terrible idea. Call her mother, call her friends, stalk her Facebook. You have to find her and make this right. Oh my God, did she take the kids?

Step 7. Realization

It’s been weeks and there’s no sign of them. You really messed this up, genius. Why did you follow advice from some article off the Internet? You ruined a good thing. She was your soulmate. Not going to cry. Not going to…damn. Yo, straight up, akhi, this never happened. They’ll pull your bro card if they ever found out.

Step 8. Acceptance

It’s finally sinking in. She’s not coming back. The pantry and the refrigerator are empty. Congratulations, you’ve doubled your weight. How did you pull this off in college? Time to hunt rodents and burn your furniture stay warm. It’s going to be a long, cold winter. God, you miss her.

Step 9. Focus

It’s okay. She never liked your hipster glasses anyway. Go online and order two Russian brides. Be prepared: they will look nothing like the pictures and the sites don’t offer refunds. Wait 7-10 months for visas to clear.

Step 10. Rejoice

Congratulations, you now have two wives! Since polygamy is frowned upon in most cultures, buy a thobe and keffiyeh for your move to Saudi. Quit your job if you still have one, and take the next flight out. Don’t forget to bring your new wives and make sure they don’t drive.