APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb. “Man, this guy has no idea what he’s doing—he just picked up a bunch of round-head screws even though everyone knows the flat-head ones cause more bodily damage,” said Warner, pointing out that the man had cluelessly grabbed end caps that wouldn’t even fit the width of pipe he had selected. “He asked me where the batteries were, so I showed him, but then he just stood there staring at all the options for a few minutes before tentatively picking one out. Look, look at him now—oh, jeez, he has nowhere near enough wire for the fuse, and that’s way too much chlorate fertilizer, though it’s not going to do him any good since he got the one with dirt already mixed into it.” According to reports, Warner sighed and rolled his eyes knowingly when the man returned to the store several hours later with his hand wrapped in gauze.

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