COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene. “It’s not easy jumping back into the acton, especially when you have all these new apps to learn,” said Hamlin, remarking that everything from the music to the entire composition of Main Street had completely changed in the decades since he was dating his ex-wife. “Sometimes, I even find myself thinking that I have nothing in common with these 19-year-olds. When I show up at the bar, nobody seems to want to talk to me. It used to come so naturally, but now, when I ask someone about their major, they become uncomfortable and sort of melt away the first chance they get. I never thought I would say this, but I’m definitely considering joining a frat.” A dejected Hamlin later reported negative results from an attempt to “up his game” by spending $7 to load the jukebox with 45 straight minutes of Spin Doctors.

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