Those that have a personal experience with violence know the feelings — the unpleasant mood shifts, noticing of weather changes, all foreshadowing as the anniversary of the event nears.

As we approach April 16th, the day of the school shooting that happened on the Virginia Tech campus in 2007 which claimed 32 lives, many of us look around, to ourselves and to others, for answers to the uneasy and complicated personal question: how do we commemorate the anniversary? What is appropriate and reverent?

As one of the injured survivors of the Virginia Tech shooting, I want to take this anniversary as a chance to explore the question and offer some thoughts. I know what it’s like to weigh options and possibilities of the question, and I know many (too many) others who have lost a loved one, been shot themselves or know someone involved.

At the Virginia Tech Memorial; (Photo Credit Samuel Granillo)

Before I offer thoughts, I would ask to keep in mind:

#1: There is no RIGHT answer or course of action that’s suitable for all people to follow, or that may be repeated each anniversary. Whatever you decide to do, as long as it’s a thoughtful and conscious decision that feels appropriate and honest to you — it’s valid.

Looking back, the way I approached each anniversary corresponded with some issues I was thinking about at that phase. In the beginning, the days were very raw and emotional. The grief was a sadness that was coated with anxiety, fear and sometimes anger. For the first five years, the survivor’s guilt became more pronounced on April 16th that I felt like the only appropriate thing to do was spend the day attending memorial activities on campus. By the 5th year anniversary (By which point, I had spent a lot of time with a counselor) I was able to allow myself the freedom to explore other methods and discovered that I could still find peace, tranquility and reverence for those we lost while not being physically there. One year, I went hiking while living far away from other Virginia Tech alumni. If the people immediately around you don’t know why the day holds significance, it can be frustrating so be cognizant of who your team is on the anniversary, and your expectations of them.

With Dr. Gene Deisinger at the Ontario Provincial Police

Finally, most recently when my focus shifted to advocacy, I spent the day speaking in Canada to police agencies about the tragedy. It was especially poignant in that I had the honor of co-presenting with a Virginia Tech law enforcement officer. Again, it was a formal situation and it felt surreal, odd but also very important to me personally to channel my experience to help law enforcement prevent future violence.

This year, I’ll be more reflective and travel back to campus. I have been speaking and sharing my story with schools and police frequently, and it feels like it’s time to slow down for a minute and pay my respects without a conference audience. Each day, especially April 16th, is a gift for us to honor. All we must do is acknowledge it and carry that forward in our honest way.

Certain rituals for how to spend the day will emerge, but you and your circumstances will change. As this happens, the things you want to commemorate, and the way in which you want to do so, will evolve naturally. Embrace it.

#2: Everyone has the right to ask this question, and make his or her own personal conclusion. Traumatic experiences, such as the Virginia Tech or Columbine tragedies, collectively impact our society and world at large. It is completely valid to feel the call to do something in honor of an event, even if years have passed or you weren’t impacted first-hand.