It was awful. I couldn't stop pawing the keyboard, looking for one more thrill, clicking that depraved trackpad of titillation over and over again.

But I made it out, barely intact, to warn you of the perils of the Number #1 Christian Porn Site— Satan help me if I ever fall into their clutches again.

I feel guilty giving you the link to this most peculiar ministry, the Triple-X Church, which preaches against porn by copping as "Porno" an attitude as possible. God knows they don't need the traffic; they've been terribly successful wooing young men to purge themselves of their guilty obsessions.

By using sexy graphics, humor, lots of baby curse epithets ("get your crap together!") and avoiding boring Bible rants, the two "pastors" who run this site convince men to pledge that they won't look at sexy pictures of women anymore, even though they are the first to admit that the habit of looking sure does give you a hard boner in your pants.

Take a peek at this ad for their radio show that I've posted: a hot babe, just waiting to embrace your manhood! This is conservative, puritanical subversion as its most Machiavellian.

I prefer to pretend this site is a triumph of satiric performance art, because it's too sad to contemplate that these clever wise-asses, Pastors Craig and Mike, actually believe that masturbation is an offense to God and womankind. Yes, they insist that masturbation is something that guys do to demean the fairer sex.

At the same time, they go on tours with "porn stars"... actual, working porn stars, who pose with Craig and Mike like a couple of Las Vegas conventioneers. The women wear their usual sexy outfits, but what comes out of their mouth is, "I know Jesus loves me, but with his help, I'll someday be able to get of of this industry of the damned." It's diabolical! Either that, or these are the two best con artists I've ever seen. Someone get them a job at the White House.

Craig and Mike's merchandising is where they really shine: I, too, want one of their t-shirts that blazes Jesus Loves Porn Stars, in Charlie Angels handwriting— but I'd rather die and burn in hell forever than send them money.

This self-styled Porn Church offers a special software that tracks where you visit on your computer, and then sends the log to a friend/family member of your choice, so that you'll always know that someone is watching you. If you go read a smutty story on literotica.com, your "wife" will get a link, and she can read the same smutty story too! Hmm, maybe this could bring you closer together— "Jane had no idea that Joe found bondage three-ways as hot and naughty as she did!"

On this week's episode of In Bed, #218, I tell you every detail of my foray into Craig and Mike's Triple-X missionary positions. You'll also hear about some of my favorite sex toys available on Amazon.com, since they opened up their shelves to peacock feather buttplugs and Mr. Softies. I'm sure my new pastors could find a way to work these into their empire!

In my "Try This At Home" mailbag, a listener writes to me that he loves the show, but wishes I would leave out discussions of religion and politics. Christ, I really let him down on this one! Seriously though, what do you think of that particular mix on my show? My attitude has been that politics and religion are inescapable from my sexual point of view, but I do have a "broadcasting" obligation to be entertaining, funny, informative, rather than an utter bore, which can be a devilish temptation in these topic areas!

In Bed With Susie Bright, #218