POSTED BY: Bowzer

Text messaging is a wonderful thing. It allows all of us to avoid that awful nonsense of using your telephone to actually talk to people. Texting lets us have conversations with people in situations where calling is impossible (work, a loud bar, while your date is in the bathroom). They are also a great way to augment your game with the opposite sex. Flirting via text message is a sacred art, and gives guys the opportunity to make use of those smiley faces that in any other context would clearly be the gayest thing ever. While text messages have tremendously improved the quality of my life, the downside is that too many idiots in the world have no clue about proper texting etiquette. Our discussion today will involve the do’s and don’ts of text messaging, so you can avoid being a huge tool that drives everyone insane.

Some Texting Do’s

It is totally acceptable, if not encouraged, to send text messages while you’re at work. It allows you to actually get some shit done while you’re telling your friend how much you want to bang the IT girl (true story). For some reason I enjoy receiving text messages at work much more than while I’m at home. The key is to maintain a five minute rule between sending and receiving texts so as to maximize your job productivity.

When you’re out at the bar with your friends, texting at least occasionally during the evening is actually an important part of maintaining your social status. Your stock with potential bangs will boost as they will view you as a person with a lot of friends (and one whose love is sought after by other girls). Just don’t go overboard with it…you want to look socially connected, not like Mr. Douchey iPhone Guy.

Use texting to maintain flirt contact with girls you are pursuing. It’s a great way to keep you fresh in their minds without being the psycho guy who calls the very next day (and the day after that). A corollary to this is the post-date text. This is an essential part of proper courtship in this day and age, and is a perfect way to gauge how much the girl wants you. The post-date text usually occurs immediately upon both parties returning home, when the alcohol mixed with that great line you ended the night with really starts to sink in. She’ll probably say something about having a great time that night, followed by some allusion to future sex if you have played your cards right.

Please text me if a quick clarification or confirmation of plans is necessary. Don’t waste my time by calling me twice in thirty minutes. Girls do this all the time and it drives me nuts.

DEFINITELY text that booty call on the late night. There’s nothing like the offer to “watch a movie” at 2:30 in the morning, which both parties willingly agree to with the unspoken understanding that the proposed activity is a complete crock of shit. Consequently, I’ve watched the first ten minutes of Mr. Deeds approximately thirty-seven times (I have no idea why this movie is my go-to for drunk hookups). I’m pretty sure that the late night booty call message is why texting was invented in the first place.

Some Texting Don’ts

For the love of god please stop texting throughout the entire movie that I paid six thousand dollars to go see. Guess what, that little light that your stupid phone gives off every time you open your phone is incredibly distracting. If someone calls you while you are in a movie, you are permitted to send ONE text message to say “I’m in a movie” or something to that effect. That’s it, just one, ladies and gentlemen.

This is for the girls out there: if I’m buying you dinner, put the god damn phone away. Seriously. There is nothing more irritating than when a girl texts throughout an entire evening of dinner and drinks. The old “never answer your phone during dinner” rule has been around for decades and for the most part is still in effect. Texting is no different, put the fucking phone away, you texting whore.

Never, EVER, ask a girl to hang out for the first time through a text message. This is one of the few times when the efficiency of texting is overruled by the need to look awesome. Nothing is more beta than this sophomoric move, and the girl will most certainly take notice of your lack of balls. The first-hangout-request phone call is a power move that is crucial to closing the deal, so don’t pass up the opportunity.

Guys: DO NOT use texting slang. It’s just embarrassing, and quite frankly makes you look like a total wiener. Whenever I see a guy type “C U L8R PLS TXT ME 2NITE” to his girlfriend it makes me want to throw up all over his phone. This carries the dual advantage of relieving my nausea as well as rendering the offender’s phone completely useless, thus preventing any further damage to society at large. Leave the texting abbreviations to the eleventeen year olds, please.

Don’t carry on extensive text messaging conversations while in public. Save the marathon text flirting/bullshitting sessions for when you’re on your couch at home alone. It’s funny to watch how people that get wrapped up in these long texting bouts sit in public, crouched over their phones like Quasimodo, while real world interaction passes them by. People who can’t be peeled away from their phone while in public have a weak constitution.

There is really no point to sending me a text that just says “k.” I always feel as if I was cheated out of ten cents when I receive one of those. Even a simple “sounds good” is sufficient. “K” is just retarded to me for some reason.

Hopefully by following this handy guide to texting etiquette, you can maximize the benefits of texting while minimizing the “OMFG get a load of this guy” syndrome. I know this list is far from complete, however, so I turn it over to you guys. What principles of texting etiquette did I miss, loyal readers?