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Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:

Kansas City Chiefs:

Young, mobile quarterback to replace Alex Smith midway through the season

Only eight to 10 pieces of chicken away from fully satisfying Andy Reid

Jacksonville Jaguars:

Superstar kicker to build franchise around

Could add players at the 52 roster spots where they need the most help

Modern stadium in Los Angeles

Oakland Raiders:

Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter

Detroit Lions:

Find solid backup assholes to add depth to core of dirty, piece-of-shit cheap shot artists

Another player who never will get ball to line up opposite of Calvin Johnson

Add speed to secondary with brand-new bikes for the defensive backs

Buffalo Bills:

Reliable 10-foot-tall receiver to catch Kevin Kolb’s routinely overthrown passes

Way less pressing problems

Veteran leadership to cut Kevin Kolb and admit this all was a huge fucking mistake


New York Jets:

Stick to formula of finding young, promising players and running their careers into ground

Overrated cornerback

Goddamn miracle

Dallas Cowboys:

Front office just gave a new six-year, $108 million contract extension to Tony Romo, so they clearly know what they’re doing and don’t need anyone’s help


Chicago Bears:

Beloved middle linebacker who was the leader on defense and face of franchise for 13 seasons

Nasty, mean offensive tackle willing to deprive millions of the pure, unadulterated joy of watching Jay Cutler getting smashed into the ground


Minnesota Vikings:

Two or three more Adrian Petersons

Career-ending injury to Christian Ponder

Greg Jennings to lose about three years off his age

Green Bay Packers:

Dependable running back capable of breaking 30 or 40 tackles every play

Sign overpriced free agent if they want to stay competitive during important offseason

Another big, soft, and cuddly offensive lineman

Denver Broncos:

Every down running back who can convincingly pretend to take a hand-off from Peyton Manning 55-60 plays a game

Pass-rushing defensive end to help Von Miller celebrate sacks

Quality backup neck

New England Patriots:

Stockpile picks, as there’s no way Belichick can get by with any fewer than eight new tight ends

New little best buddy for Tom Brady

Depth in secondary to pacify Vince Wilfork’s ravenous appetite during long drives


San Francisco 49ers:

Baltimore Ravens:

Could use a franchise quarterback

Solid replacements for Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Matt Birk, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Paul Kruger, so this should really be a cinch


Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.