WASHINGTON—In a comprehensive analysis of the nation’s media consumption habits, a report published Friday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans now receive their news while holding their hands over their eyes and peeking out between their fingers. “Whether in print, online, or televised form, our research indicates that 80 percent of Americans engage with news by cupping their hands over their eyes and occasionally steeling themselves to glance at the content before them,” said lead author Dr. Jacob Elam, noting that after opening a link to a news story, four out of five Americans stand up and walk away from their computers while muttering “Oh god, oh my god” before returning to their seats. “We also found that two-thirds of the American public now require at least 30 seconds of agitated hesitation before even typing ‘cnn.com’ into the address bar and, once on the site, immediately direct their attention toward several more palatable entertainment or sports articles before anxiously edging their way toward the day’s top headlines.” According to the researchers, while Americans tended to believe they’d be better off taking a day or two off from the never-ending news cycle, a solid majority throw their hands up, say “Fuck it,” and visit Twitter again.

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