50 States of McMansion Hell: Salt Lake County, Utah

Howdy, folks! My poor teeth are finally all healed up, so in celebration, I have decided to sink them Sunny Baudelaire-style into this ridiculous house:

This 1995 “Victorian” features 6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, totaling around 6700 square feet. It can be your humble abode for a modest $1.7 million USD.

Lawyer Foyer

Seriously, I don’t know why they didn’t just enclose the staircase, because that lone beam looks both anticlimactic and structurally unsettling. Also it doesn’t line up with the post at the top of the stairs. I am unusually frustrated by this.

Office

Whomst among us did not have binders full of women in middle school and by binders full of women I mean trapper keepers full of Bleach yuri fanfic? (clears throat) anyways, happy bisexual visibility month

Great Room

Okay so the other two walls in this room are covered with unsettlingly HUGE family portraits that would have taken a lot of time and effort to block out the faces. Anyways, I just want you to know that this is only 1/3rd of the total family portraiture in this space.

Dining Room

i don’t even see any coasters for drinks. i have never before witnessed such recklessness.

Kitchen

ok so I watched an entire week’s worth of HGTV at my parents’ house after getting my wisdom teeth pulled and literally every kitchen has to be white or gray. this pearlescent nonsense has to be a global conspiracy orchestrated by none other than,,, mr. clean.

Den

Oreo cookie commercial: you’ve heard of stuffed. but have you heard of “double stuffed?”

Sofa designer for La-Z-Boy: go on

Master Bedroom

(philosopher voice): what is the point of a mirror if you are facing away from it?

(sadly there are no pictures of the master bathroom, so we’re moving on to the last room of the house)

Rec Room

the fifties were lame, (slowly making the entire internet mad) like come on brutalism was barely even a thing then

alright alright, time to wrap this bad boy up:

Rear Exterior

is this technically a 3 car garage? can a car even fit in that garage? next time, on The X Files (theme plays)

Well folks, that does it for Utah! I’m heading to Finland next week (!!!), but stay tuned for Vermont upon my return!

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