The Onion News Network is a program on IFC and YouTube that parodies cable network news programs such as those seen on Fox News and CNN.

“In The Know with Clifford Banes” is a fictional show from The Onion which makes fun of round table discussions where fast-talking political pundits debate ridiculous issues ad nauseum.

One of the show’s running jokes is about its host Clifford Banes, who has never actually hosted an episode of his own show. He has never been seen by the viewers because he is always absent due to some hilarious or horrifying excuse.

Here is a complete list of Clifford Banes excuses used on In The Know:

I’m Julianna McKannis, sitting in for Clifford Banes who is at a Michael Kors sample sale.

Hi I’m Robert Braun, I’m filling in for Clifford Banes who just isn’t on top of his game today.

I’m Julianna McKannis, sitting in for Clifford Banes who is hunting down the scumbag who killed his father.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who is interviewing a new guest host in his office.

Hi I’m Robert Braun, filling in for Clifford Banes who no longer works on Sundays.

I’m Julianna McKannis, sitting in for Clifford Banes who stormed off after seeing our new set.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who told me to say ‘hello’ to all of you.

Welcome, I’m Robert Braun filling in for Clifford Banes today who is not handling his divorce too well.

I’m Gregory Dawson sitting in for Clifford Banes who is currently plummeting toward Earth at 93 miles an hour.

I’m Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is staying off the grid until things cool down.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who messed with the wrong people and got himself involved in some serious shit.

I’m Julianna McKannis, sitting in for Clifford Banes who is regaling the interns with tales of his days at sea.

I’m Julianna McKannis, sitting in for Clifford Banes who was never that great of a host anyway.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who wants you to know that he is super sorry but he couldn’t make it in today due to a bunch of stuff that he’ll tell you about later.

I’m Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is racing to the airport to catch the woman he loves.

I’m Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is the new mayor of Baltimore.

I’m Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is away protesting gay marriage.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who is vacuuming.

I’m Gregory Dawson sitting in for Clifford Banes who is being fitted for a sarcophagus.

I’m Julianna McKannis, sitting in for Clifford Banes who is having a blimp named after him.

I’m Michael Koe filling in for Clifford Banes who knows too much and can’t trust anyone.

I’m Gregory Dawson sitting in for Clifford Banes who was accidentally erased.

I’m Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is wandering along I-97 in a bathrobe with no memory of who he is.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who is standing over a bound and gagged man with a shovel, wondering if he has the guts to go through with it.

I’m Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who ran someone over in the parking lot about an hour ago.

To see more humor from In The Know and The Onion, you can watch the first season of In The Know on YouTube.