Last week’s we gave you a list of Catholic phrases that no self-respecting Protestant would ever use, and promised you an ‘other-ways-round’ version.

This is it.

“The Mainland”: When referring to England, Scotland and Wales. The only Catholics who refer to The Mainland live on Rathlin, or on a boat. “Fiddlesticks, I’ve forgotten my hat.”: Proper Protestants are notoriously crap at swearing, preferring to make up words like ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ and ‘Sugarpuffs’ instead. This is bollocks, or balderdash if you’re a Protestant. “Our wee country”: You mean Occupied Six Counties surely. “Roman Catholic”: Only Protestants say this, as they say the word Catholic means all the churches. Catholics must insist that they are the only Catholics, as they know that the correct word for everyone else is a heretic. “I don’t like that new vicar, I think I’ll start going to the Presbyterians instead.”: Protestants are never done changing churches when they fall out with a clergyman or decide they don’t like some new rule. Catholics don’t have that option, even if the new Priest goes on and on about how much better his county is at Hurling. “The Queen”: You can only refer to “The Queen of England”, you can’t imply she’s Queen of here. “Fancy going for a wee drive and a poke this Sunday, darling?”: Protestants love ‘going for Sunday drives’, usually in search of ice-cream. However, according to rules set out in the Second Vatican Council, Catholics can only spend Sundays in the pub or at GAA matches – after Mass obviously. “There’s nothing I like better than a big sausage supper after work on a Friday.”: Fish suppers only on a Friday, to do otherwise is to risk eternal damnation and/or funny looks in the street. “Where’s the Twelfth this year?”: It’s at your caravan in Donegal, unless you live near a contentious route in which case you need to stay home to be offended. “Could you pick me up a Newsletter? I want to see who’s dead.”: Catholics can only buy The Irish News so if anyone’s dead they’ll be in there. The only exception is on a Saturday if you want to check the price of fat yos in The Farming Life section

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