Life – The Text Adventure

by Kristian Bland

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WAIT!

Before you read through this, go check out the new and improved ACTUAL game over here: Life – The Text Adventure 2.0!

You are floating in a murky pool of gelatinous fluid. It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

>WAIT

Time passes…

You hear the muffled scream of a woman in the distance.

A light appears to the South.

>GO SOUTH

You are at the mouth of a large cave. There is a giant hand here.

>LOOK AT HAND

You look at the hand. It’s coming right for you.

>GO NORTH

That way is blocked. The hand grabs your head and begins to pull you toward the mouth of the cave.

>SCREAM

Not yet.

>RUN

You can’t even walk.

>CRY

Ok. The hand rips you from the cave, which is now collapsing behind you. Another hand slaps your bottom. You cry.

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been born.

Now what?

>LOOK

You see a lot of things you won’t understand for years. Would you like to wait?

>YES

Yes, what?

>WAIT

Time passes…

CONGRATULATIONS! You just made a poopy.

Now what?

>WAIT

Time passes…

You are now a year old. There is a cake here.

>LOOK AT CAKE

There is a lit candle in the center.

>BLOW OUT CANDLE

You try to blow the candle out, but just end up drooling on yourself. And the cake. Your parents are mortified.

>WAIT

Time passes…

You are now two years old. There is a cake here.

>IGNORE CAKE

Ok. You fall asleep. Your face collapses into the cake and you spit Gerber’s all over the icing. Your parents are mortified.

>WAIT

Time passes…

You are now three years old. There is no cake here.

>WAIT

Time passes…

You are now four years old.

>WAIT

Time passes…

You are now five. There is a kindergarten here.

>LOOK AT KINDERGARTEN

You see a boy licking his shoe.

>TALK TO BOY

He says, “Hello.” Then, he licks your shoe.

>WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT

Time passes…Time passes…Time passes…

You are now 14. There is a puberty here.

>TAKE PUBERTY

CONGRATULATIONS! You receive the ability of inappropriately timed erections and develop an inexplicable hatred of your parents.

>GROW UP

You need to finish high school first.

>FINISH HIGH SCHOOL

But you haven’t even had sex yet!

>HAVE SEX

Have sex with whom?

>HAVE SEX WITH GIRL

Fat chance.

>HAVE SEX WITH SELF

CONGRATULATIONS! You have earned a Kleenex.

>FINISH HIGH SCHOOL

You graduate. There is a diploma here.

>GET DIPLOMA

You take the diploma. Nothing happens.

>PURSUE DREAMS

You need to go to college first.

>GO TO COLLEGE

You enroll in a university. There is a crippling debt here.

>ACQUIRE CRIPPLING DEBT

CONGRATULATIONS! You have earned student loans and receive a +10 to your Regret stat. There is a diploma here.

>TAKE DIPLOMA

You can’t finish college without having sex. It’s like a rule and stuff.

>HAVE SEX

Have sex with whom?

>HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE

You have sex with everyone. Nothing happens.

>FINISH COLLEGE

You should probably try going to class first.

>GO TO CLASS

You need to stop having sex with everyone first.

>STOP HAVING SEX

Ok. You stop having sex.

>GO TO CLASS

You go to class. It looks a lot like a bar. There is a drink here.

>TAKE DRINK

You take the drink…and start having sex with everyone again.

>STOP DRINKING AND HAVING SEX

CONGRATULATIONS! You have finished college. There is a job here.

>TAKE JOB

You take the job.

>GO TO WORK

You arrive on your first day of work. Your office is in a cubicle. There is a chair here.

>SIT IN CHAIR

You sit down at your desk. There is a computer here.

>USE COMPUTER

You turn on the computer. The stupidity of other people fills your screen.

>MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LESS STUPID

If you did that, you wouldn’t have a job. Try just fixing their problems, instead.

>FIX OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS

CONGRATULATIONS! As a reward for your hard work, your boss gives you more work. There is a rest of your life here.

>TAKE REST OF MY LIFE

You try to take the rest of your life, but fail. It is being guarded by a crippling debt.

>KILL CRIPPLING DEBT

You need to finish working first.

>FINISH WORKING

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now old. There is a retirement here.

>TAKE RETIREMENT

You take the retirement and are killed by a crippling debt.

**** GAME OVER ****

SCORE: 35

RESTORE | QUIT ?

>RESTORE

Loading…

CONGRATULATIONS! As a reward for your hard work, your boss give you more work. There is a rest of your life here.

>PURSUE DREAMS

You need to find another job to do that.

>LOOK FOR NEW JOB

You find a job closer to your dreams in an unstable position at a dubious corporation. There is a huge mistake here.

>TAKE HUGE MISTAKE

CONGRATULATIONS! You’re hired.

>GO TO WORK

You need to quit your old job first.

>QUIT OLD JOB

You leave your cubicle. There is a farewell party here. And cake.

>EAT CAKE

You eat the cake. It is your boss’ favorite flavor.

>HATE CAKE

You silently seethe with secret loathing. Nothing happens.

>GO TO NEW JOB

You arrive at work to find your new office lacks a cubicle. There is a chair here.

>SIT IN CHAIR

You sit down. There is a computer here.

>USE COMPUTER

Use computer to do what?

>USE COMPUTER TO MAKE CORPORATION MORE EFFICIENT AND RELEVANT TO THE CURRENT MARKET

You earn some money. There is a crippling debt here. It looks hungry.

>FEED CRIPPLING DEBT

The crippling debt devours your paycheck, but still looks hungry.

>USE COMPUTER TO IMPRESS YOUR BOSS BY MAKING THE CORPORATION EVEN MORE EFFICIENT AND PROFITABLE

CONGRATULATIONS! Your work enables the company to set new records and even wins an award! Your boss is so impressed by your ability to automate daily tasks that he gives you a special prize: he lays you off. There is a severance package here.

>TAKE SEVERANCE PACKAGE

You pick up the severance package. A crippling debt glares at it with hungry eyes.

>FEED CRIPPLING DEBT

You give your severance package to the crippling debt. It growls as it snatches it from your hands and sprints off into the shadows.

>FIND NEW JOB

In this economy?

>YES

Are you serious?

>YES

Really?

>YES!

Ok. Would you like fries with that?

>HATE LIFE

Hating life won’t stop the crippling debt.

>HATE CRIPPLING DEBT

Your heart fills with anger and disgust. Nothing happens.

>FIND NEW JOB

Seriously, there’s nothing here. Try moving.

>RELOCATE

You need money for that.

>FIND MONEY

You plunder the cavernous depths of your couch cushions and then go buy a drive-thru taco.

>APPLY FOR TACO JOB

You’re overqualified.

>WRITE NEW RESUME

You construct a new resume, where you have no experience doing anything.

>APPLY FOR TACO JOB

You’re too old.

>PURSUE DREAMS?

Nice try. You are eaten by a crippling debt.

**** GAME OVER ****

Score:36

RESTORE | QUIT ?

>QUIT

Now go play the new and improved ACTUAL game over here: Life – The Text Adventure 2.0!

© 2011 – 2016, Kristian Bland. All rights reserved.







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