WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the country’s national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. “We are proud to announce that we’ve successfully eliminated the enormous risk that these life-threatening chasms previously posed to guests,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, praising work crews for their diligent efforts in pouring asphalt into every hole over 10 feet deep in all 58 of the United States’ national parks. “Thanks to this common-sense safety measure, American citizens no longer have to worry about plummeting hundreds of feet to their death when they visit the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, or the Canyonlands. While it took several months and cost billions of dollars, making sure all park guests feel safe and secure is a top priority.” Zinke also announced a new upcoming initiative to further improve national parks by sanding down the sharp tips of mountains that pose dangerous risks to hikers.

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