AMARILLO, TX—Frequently mentioning the fact that his hometown of Corpus Christi, TX also happens to be the birthplace of Whataburger, local 31-year-old Chad Derringer takes a truly depressing amount of pride in the fast food establishment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “If you’ve never been to one, you absolutely have to try it,” Derringer said of the 735-location restaurant chain, which he reportedly speaks of so proudly and so often that those around him find it simply heartbreaking. “I’d put their burger up against any other burger out there—fast food or slow food, doesn’t matter. Whataburger beats them all, hands down. And if there’s a place with better fries, I’d sure like to try them.” Even more depressing, sources revealed, is the fact that Derringer, who has never been employed by Whataburger, owns a minimum of three shirts bearing its logo.

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