Picture this: you’re at the end of a very, very promising first day and the guy is walking you to your car. Your stomach is fluttering and you’re kind of high on lust and swimming in fantasies of the two of you making a great couple. You approach the car and know the first kiss is coming — yay! Except, horror of horrors, instead of leaning in and cementing that perfect first date status he drops the dreaded, “Can I kiss you?”

Um, I don’t know, can you?

There’s nothing that crushes a lady boner faster than a guy who needs to be reaffirmed every single second. I’m not even saying “man up” I’m just saying, take a risk! I do it all the damn time when I’m pursing someone and I don’t need to be responsible for initiating yet another thing, like the first kiss. My libido cannot take it.

This subject came up recently when I was with a group of friends so I straight up asked the guys — why would you ever ask if I want to be kissed. If I’m on a date with you and it’s going well, duh, I want a kiss and if I don’t, I’ll fucking turn my cheek. It’s not rocket science.

One of the guys had never asked if he could do anything to a woman in his life and I told him to soldier on. The next talked about what he read on Twitter about women complaining guys are always doing things women don’t want them to do without realizing it. As if street harassment and rape are on the same level as a kiss. The third had actually been instructed by a former girlfriend to never do anything to a a woman unless she initiated it or said out loud that she wanted it.

The fuck?

I mean, that’s one way to avoid misunderstandings, but it’s absolutely no fun for anyone. In a relationship as a woman I am already doing so much work. I am cleaning up his shit, I am buying clothes and makeup and spending hours looking good before dates, I am reminding him to use a napkin at the restaurant (apparently we are not teaching men this growing up????), telling him it’s his mom’s birthday, etc, etc, etc AD NAUSEUM.

Why, feminism, why am I now also responsible for initiating every act of physical intimacy? I don’t want this. It’s okay to guess. It’s even okay to guess wrong as long as you take the hint (I turn my head so you cannot kiss me or I say um, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea). This is an exhausting world to date in. I am exhausted. All I want is for a guy to kiss me when the moment is right without it being a big deal or a lesson on consent or a statement on entitled men or whatever. I just want it to be easy again.