Prime Minister Bill English has announced an ambitious multi-billion dollar expressway to be constructed between South Auckland and Auckland Prison, also passing by Mount Eden Corrections Facility.

English says the expressway will allow more rapid transit for an ever increasing number of criminals making a one-way commute to their confinement.

“Auckland, as I think you know, is very large,” said English. “It’s so large that you can’t actually drive around it. It takes up more or less the whole island.

“I think anybody who has experienced a wait in Auckland traffic can also sympathise with how frustrating that can be, and how long it can take to drive to the nearest corrections facility.

“There’s a lot of sitting and waiting, and the only movement tends to be incremental.

“So what are you going to do when you’re driving a corrections vehicle from South Auckland to Mount Eden, and end up in a situation where your prisoners just get out at the lights and run into the dairy or something?”

“Nothing,” interjected deputy Prime Minister Paula Bennett, shaking her head. “There’s nothing you can do.”

“That’s why we’re pledging an initial investment of $4 billion to construct a fast-moving expressway that will cut the average trip to prison by 10 minutes for one of our nation’s poorest communities,” said the Prime Minister.

He clapped, then stopped clapping to ask Bennett to also clap, then continued to clap.

English said National would also be looking into other potential technological solutions to prisoners escaping corrections vehicles, including handcuffing them, and locking the doors.

The South Auckland to Prison Expressway will have eight lanes, and be littered with land mines to discourage disembarking or stopping on the side of the road.

Labour leader Jacinda Ardern, who has pledged to run a strictly positive campaign, said the idea was “excellent” and she loves it.