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Since there were no graphics, the cover art for Softporn Adventure had to do a lot of heavy lifting. Which is unfortunate since they went with three cranky women hot tubbing next to a 13" black and white television. What kind of party is this? Are we going to watch M*A*S*H on that thing? Are we going to pull it into the water and end our nude sadness?

Even before you saw the truly uninviting scene on the box, the name "Softporn" was setting erotic thrill expectations pretty low. The last thing you want in an entirely evocative sex story is reassurance that things won't get too graphic. Are they only going to describe the top half of the boobs? When ladies get entered, do they "Choo-choo!" instead of moan? Is the narrator going to type out a wink and tell us to guess what happens after we find a butt in the ladies room? My point is, if it's only words, I think everyone can handle reading about full penetration. I mean, the sentence I'm writing this very moment is about to describe a human penis going into and out of the birth canal of an unmarried horse, and until four words from now, it's rated PG as fuck.

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Most people playing Softporn Adventure probably never got to enjoy its tasteful descriptions of casual sex. Like all text adventures, it was nearly impossible to know what to do or how to communicate that you'd like to do it. And since there was no internet, the only way a player could get unstuck was to run into a public place and yell, "Does anyone here play carefully non-obscene erotic text adventures for the Atari 800? I can't get out of the taxi after the strip bar!" Of course, if you said something that sexy, you'd have to be ready for every nearby woman to charge directly at your dick.