Anyone who’s heard Charlie Sheen’s rants about F-18s and Warlock Torpedoes (so basically everyone) knows that the man has a way with words. Most people don’t know, however, that Charlie Sheen also writes poetry, and that in 1989, a film was based on that poetry and narrated by Sheen himself. Troma just sent over a teaser for A Tale of Two Sisters (Goddesses?), which had to be like finding a signed Mickey Mantle card in the trash for them. Hard to glean much about the movie other than that it somehow involves a morbidly obese woman French kissing a bearded man on the beach, but the poem, as you might expect, is amazing. Some of my favorite lines included:

“So what then was the ugly deed? A broken promise, petty greed? Did one depart with no remorse? Menstrual mood, unsigned divorce?”

“Menstrual mood.” Oh yeah, he went there. Matter-of-factly discussing periods, that’s textbook poem writing right there. And then there was this:

“Daddy’s eyes on front-page news, mommy accuses innocent Jews.

Sister one and sister two, complaining now, can’t find a shoe.”

Anti-Semitism: Bad. Misplaced shoes: also bad. Typical family stuff. Mommy complaining about Jews. Daughter complaining about shoes. When in walks Terry Crews, drinking booze on Blues Clues. But even with such delicious rhymes, even that wasn’t my favorite line. No, that honor belongs to this next one, which needs no context:

“Rebel rouser, call me Phil.”

“CALL ME AHAB” JUST GOT SERVED! GIVE! THIS! POEM! A SEVEN! (*blows glitter at audience, bangs gong, drops mic, walks offstage to thunderous finger snaps*)

So the next person you hear say “I’m SO over this Charlie Sheen thing…” like they’re so much better then everyone else, just play them this poem and tell them to go f*ck themselves.