February 2, 2011 - The Soldier

Eyes forward, you damp sacks of wet pants! In stark contrast to the usual garbage masquerading as news on this website, I am pleased to announce something actually noteworthy: I AM NOW AVAILABLE IN STATUE FORM.







Hello. This paragraph is a cool-down period so you can collect yourself before I continue.



That's right, me! A statue! It is wholesome! It is American! It is a handsome reminder to unwedge your voluminous buttocks from your straining computer chair and do some push-ups! If that last sentence was enough to motivate you to actually do some push-ups, switch to one-handed and use your other hand to click the BUY button. Pre-orders start February 7th 8AM PST, sharp! As an added bonus, there will be an exclusive run of 300 numbered statues that come with both the rocket launcher and the Direct Hit. Both Red and Blue are available. That is all! DISMISSED!



- SOLDIER



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