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THE suffocating blanket of dread placed over just about everyone during this Covid-19 pandemic has lead many people to reassess their careers, lives, how they treat loved ones and material things they laughably once considered important.

However, Martin, it’s now not the time, actually it’s just about the most selfish and self-serving time to use the current situation to randomly text your ex-fucking-girlfriend out of the blue! You barely sentient walking erection!

No Martin, she doesn’t want a late night 1am ‘hey, strange times, huh? Just checking in to see how you’re doing?’ text. Even if it’s accompanied by an admittedly clever use of a gif of Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants, a show that is closely associated by both of you with your former relationship, but you’re fooling no one you Twatesaurus Rex.

Martin, would your time not be better spent volunteering to help your community at this trying time? Some auld biddy would love you to slid into her DMs with an offer to do her shopping for her. What’s going through your mind that you think volunteering your penis to your ex-girlfriend once this all over is going to be well received. And you what did the dirt on her with her best friend and all? And we thought Boris Johnson was handling this crisis badly.

Your ex wouldn’t piss on you at this stage even if it turned out her urine was the cure to Covid-19 and you had a cough as dry as she was for the majority of your relationship!

‘Strange times’ Martin? Yes, it’s strange that your two remaining brain cells are practicing social distancing from one another. Fuck sake Martin, honestly.