The Eldest is now four and a half which means she’s entering the age I was when I started watching all the best movies that have ever been put on film. I have fond memories of pizza nights or rainy afternoon’s spent watching quite of few classic 80s (or 70s) movies and remember thinking movies would never get better. I thought this even though I was watching them in Betamax, possibly the worst video format ever.

So now we get to the point where I have to start evaluating the pros and cons of showing my childhood favourites to my daughter. Are they too scary? Is the subject matter too adult-y for her? Are they too long? Is the animation actually atrocious? Will she believe a big fur, chicken dog can fly through the air? These are the questions that run through my mind.

But mostly, I’m afraid she just won’t like them. That she’ll me watching Marty McFly revving up the Delorean one minute and asleep the next. I’m worried she’ll take one look at Slimer and opt-out of all the greatness that makes up Ghostbusters. I’m scared that when I show them to my children, they won’t immediately ask to watch it again.

So here they are, the movies I loved as a kid and why I’m afraid to show them to my children.

Back to the Future

“Dad, you drive that fast all the time, why don’t we ever disappear?”

“Well we have a different kind of car. We don’t have a flux capacitor.”

“But if we could go back in time, do you think you’d fall in love with me?”

“Let’s watch Back to the Future 2 instead.”

The Karate Kid (the real one)

“Daddy, there’s no way the man playing Daniel is in high school. He looks 23.”

“No, he’s just a hard-luck teen looking to make friends in a new city.”

“He’s old.”

“But what about the karate part.”

“The Crane technique shouldn’t be that confusing, juts kick him in the stomach.”

Ghostbusters

“Why didn’t the people in the restaurant just let the funny running Canadian man into their dinner.”

“Well they were eating fancy food and his shirt untucked. Some places have a dress code.”

“Ok, fine. But the marshmallow guy. Why didn’t someone just eat his feet? How would he walk then?”

“They’re such big feet, it would have been tough.”

“I ate 16 marshmallows at a campfire once, I could have done it, and I’m just a kid.”

Star Wars (Episode IV)

You know what, there nothing that could possible be misconstrued or go wrong with this one. It’s perfect.

Howard the Duck

“The duck is supposed to be a little creepy, isn’t he?”

“I think he’s just supposed to be a duck.”

“Well he’s a creepy duck.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Are you watching this with me? He’s a huge duck who wears clothes and smokes. He’s actually the worst thing I’ve ever seen?”

“Have you seen the wolf monster from The Neverending story?”

“What?”

“Just wait.”

Superman

“No.”

“No, what?

“They’re the same guy?”

“Who?”

“Superman and Clark Kent.”

“How do you know?”

“Daddy, he just takes off his glasses.”

“And puts on a suit.”

“Oh, come on. The two of them look the exact same. This movie is horse-sh…”

The Neverending story

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Are you closing your eyes?”

“Yes.”

“Daddy, can you tell me something?

“Sure, what?”

“Are you afraid of the wolf monster?”

“OF COURSE I’M AFRAID OF THE WOLF MONSTER! HOW IS THIS A MOVIE FOR KIDS!”