NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to tell all these people that the subway line they’ve been expecting for almost an hour just doesn’t exist anymore,” said Wheeler, who expressed hope that maybe if he just sat tight for another 15-20 minutes, everyone would just leave the subway stop of their own volition. “They’re going to be really pissed at me when they realize there aren’t even cars on the tracks. I guess I could just tell them it’s delayed. Technically, it is delayed—forever.” At press time, Wheeler snuck out of the train station and hailed a taxi to take him as far away as possible.

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