This guest post is by Anna Lind Thomas of The Hookup Column

I often try to warn young women of their self-esteem. She can be a self-sabotaging piece of work with only one goal in mind: to do what it takes to alleviate the pain that comes from believing you aren’t good enough.

And if you let her take the reigns in your dating life, she’ll have you in a clinic for an STD test before you realize you weren’t even in to the guy in the first place.

She doesn’t care about consequences. She wants to be loved. She wants to be beautiful. She wants to be noticed.

She wants to be invaluable.

I worked closely with college students for many years, and I saw first hand how destructive low self-esteem could be. It affected their relationships, who or how they would date, or the choices they made when it came to sex, drinking and drugs.

There are fewer tragedies than a woman who doesn’t understand her own worth.

She’s unable to see the beauty in just being a woman, the miracle of being born on this earth, and the belief that she has a purpose only she can fulfill.

Low self-esteem doesn’t care if you fit society’s view of beauty, how much you weigh, if you’re talented, intelligent, poor or wealthy.

She doesn’t discriminate because she was created in a lie, not founded in reality, but of circumstances, tragedies, abuse, or fear. A lie that eventually became a belief. A belief that will eventually inhibit you from being the miraculous human being you were meant to be.

So why me?

We weren’t born lacking self-worth. It takes convincing to separate us from our humanity. We must be taught. Perhaps our parents told us we would never be worth anything. Perhaps someone sexually abused us, teaching us that our body is simply an object. Perhaps we were told we were ugly so many times, we eventually believed it ourselves.

Perhaps we live in a society that creates an unattainable ideal that no one can live up to and we’re bombarded too often with images that remind us … we’re not good enough.

Low self-esteem is a sign that we’ve lost sight of our miraculous existence. That can be a very dangerous sign, indeed.

The dangers of low self-esteem

We often don’t give low self-esteem the respect it deserves. If left to its own devices, it can cause us to make choices that will have devastating effects on not only our lives, but the lives of those around us.

A woman who doesn’t believe she is worthy of love may only allow abusive or unhealthy relationships in her life. If she doesn’t believe she deserves better, she will never demand better.

A woman who believes her body has no value may offer it to all who will take it—all who want it—without ever considering what she wants.

A woman who doesn’t believe she is beautiful may hide herself behind extra weight, or baggy clothes to insure she goes unnoticed in the world. Or, she may do the opposite and desperately seek attention from anyone who will give it her. Anyone who will make her feel, even for just a moment, beautiful.

This is when self-esteem has power. We can take the power back.

Understanding the subconscious mind

How we feel about ourselves is a choice, although it often doesn’t feel that way. To better understand this, we need to understand the power of our subconscious mind. According to the late Florence Scovel-Shinn:

“The subconscious is simply power, without direction. It is like a stream of electricity, and it does what it is directed to do; it has no power of induction. Whatever man feels deeply or pictures clearly, is impressed upon the subconscious mind.”

If I believe I am worthless, then at one point I was presented with the idea that I was. Eventually this idea became a belief. Although it was a lie, perhaps it was believed because people I trusted told me so. Perhaps circumstances confirmed it to me. Regardless, the belief was stored away in my subconscious as a truth. Beliefs are assumed. I don’t think I’m worthless, I know I am. And my subconscious will cause me to live in a way that confirms that to be true.

The power of our subconscious is why our low self-esteem can have such a destructive hold on us. It is something so ingrained in us that we unknowingly make decisions limited by the lies of our subconscious.

I remember one young woman who felt she was unattractive and thought no man would love her as she was. She reflected on a sexual encounter she had with someone she barely knew. Her words were, “I have no idea why I slept with him. I knew he didn’t really want me, but I just did it anyway.”

There are times when we are baffled by our own behavior. More often than not, it’s because our subconscious did the decision making for us. If your subconscious does not believe you can be loved as you are, then it will decide that the only other option is to perform for something that seems like love, instead.

Transforming lies to truths

The truth is, your entire existence is miraculous. You are talented. You have purpose. You are beautiful, simply because you’re a human being who has the ability to do good in the world.

If you believe you’re anything less, then you must go to the root of where your self-doubt began. Perhaps it was during your childhood, your marriage, first job, or a party in college. Visualize that moment in your mind. Then confront it.

Be bold, speak out loud, “Although this moment happened to me, the belief I made about myself is not true. It is a lie. The truth is (fill awesome comment about yourself here).”

Think it. Speak it. Shout it. Every day.

This won’t be easy. Reconfiguring your belief system of yourself will be like disciplining an unruly child. It takes time, frequent correction and consistency.

If you’re at a cocktail party and your self-esteem starts throwing a tantrum because she thinks she’s the ugliest girl in the room, then remove her from the situation and put her in a time-out. Then, go look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I’m beautiful. Anything conflicting with that statement is a lie.”

Remember, your subconscious is simply storing information and guiding you based off images, experiences, information and beliefs. You get to control the information it receives. If you are correcting a long held belief, this may take time, but you will do it. Life is too short not too. Your life is too valuable to waste on lies.

As much as I’d like to, I can’t convince you of your beauty, your lovability and worthiness. You wouldn’t believe me if I tried. What I think doesn’t matter anyway.

You are a unique, priceless human being. This phenomenon in itself makes you worthy of every opportunity to experience a life filled with love and joy.

All you have to do is believe it.

Sources: Scovel-Shinn, F. (2009). The Game of Life and How to Play It. United States: Beacon Hill.

Anna Lind Thomas is the creator of The Hookup Column. Her work is the product of years researching hookup culture and female disenchantment. Follow her on Twitter @anna4thehookup