I heard this expression, ‘What’s in you hand?’ once. It’s a biblical reference, and it means; What can you do? or What are you good at, and so can bring to other people.

This quote came back to me recently, when I was thinking about how to interact with people. Suffering from social anxiety, I’ve been working really hard to get on track being more comfortable interacting, and I’d been making progress; but I had a set back recently whilst spending an entire evening uncomfortable in a setting I thought I was OK in.

I was really gutted because I’d made such good progress up to now.

I went through all my self written guides to break down where I’d gone wrong, but felt like, despite trying all the techniques, something was stopping me actually believing them. For example, I tell myself the following.

See people as friends who aren’t judging you

Remember that it’s only your ego that seeks people’s approval, YOU just want to interact for the sake of interacting

Accept that you can’t control the outcome, e.g. you might talk to someone you have nothing in common with

H.A.I.L (Be Honest, Authentic (yourself), Integrity (be your word), Love (think of others))

It was on this last point I began to feel upset, and I realized where I was struggling. To be Honest, and to be yourself, and to think of others, you have to know and be completely comfortable with your self. I realised I didn’t know myself, I didn’t have a single identity that I wanted to show off.

Then I realised, honestly, my ego still houses some horrible opinions of myself. The first things that flooded to the front of my mind were, I’m shy, I’m ugly, I’m mean, I’m selfish, I’m unambitious.

THIS, is the identity behind a wall of denial that is killing me in social interaction. When I try and talk, I was focusing on hiding all this self from the other person; the result is that I can’t be honest, I can’t be authentic, I can’t relax and I can’t think about anyone else because my mind is completely on a defensive self presentation.

So, starting at another social interaction tonight, I’m going to try and go into interactions knowing a different me. Yes, I was and can be all those things I don’t like; but why am I wasting energy on someone I was? Why am I making an identity out of it, to myself, then desperately trying to hide it; that’s insane. So who am I, not in terms of what I’ve been, but right now? I’m someone who is ambitious, in overcoming my own suffering, I’m someone who is selfless, by just acting selfless in an interaction, right NOW, no matter what I’ve been like in the past, and the essence of putting myself in an interaction means I’m not shy.

Your identity isn’t some Pandora’s box of ego demons you’ve built up over years of your life, it’s what’s in your hand, right now.