I think Whatsapp has given me PTSD.

I’m finally over the incessant photoshop jobs and videos that purport to have an explanation of, answer to, or party responsible for, the current COVID crisis. You’ve won, extended family. I just can’t take it anymore. I appreciate the faith you put in this device in the palm of your hands that you barely know how to use. I applaud your belief that the solution to this crisis can be communicated in a poorly photoshopped 1080 by 1080 square. I commend your unflinching resolve in believing any grainy video with text over it, so long as it fits your viewpoint. A truly discerning eye, honed over decades.

I’m even more impressed in your ability to simply discount any perspective that is not yours. And when I say “simply”, boy do I mean it. Never have I seen a group of individuals more willing to utilize the old “you weren’t there” shtick. Apparently my thoughts on Jesus’s true birthplace, the rivalry between Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle, and whether tomatoes are actually a fruit, are not welcome. Obviously I wasn’t around when tomatoes were invented. To be honest, I do sometimes wonder if even YOU were there, but no, I know your ideals are as pure and clear as the Ganges.

That’s why it saddens me to tell you you’ve been duped. The problem isn’t the Muslims. It’s not the Chinese. It’s not the “mainstream media”. It’s you. It’s the fact that you run after any brightly colored image you see, like a dog chasing cars, and share it with a fervorence usually reserved for men in orange tunics. To be certain, the solution to your, and the world’s, problems, shall never come in such a small and haphazardly thrown together package. The whatsapp messages need to stop.

So here’s my own personal chain mail: THIS JUST IN FROM THE NATIONAL DIRECTORATE OF COMMON SENSE (NDCS) – Boiling garlic in water and drinking it will not save you from COVID. Chinese food remains delicious. Muslims, as a whole, did not get together in some secret meeting to create COVID. Ditto for the Chinese. Spraying water via a hairdryer in your face to moisten your throat will not save you from COVID. Spicy foods won’t cure COVID! Alternatively, cold foods won’t cure COVID! Drinking cow piss will NOT CURE COVID. Chai, while delicious, is NOT A CURE for COVID. You don’t need to triple toast your bread to kill COVID, your body is already 98.6 you genius. As always, beware of any person in a position of power whose immediate response in this time of crisis is to blame someone else. And for Gods sake NOT EVERY PICTURE WITH A QUOTE OVER IT WAS SPOKEN BY THE PERSON IN THE QUOTE. USE GOOGLE. You’re telling me you’ve immigrated to this country with $8, earned enough money to open 9 Dunkin Donuts, consider your S550 Mercedes Benz your “beater car”, and you can’t do a simple Google search?? And finally, if it doesn’t come directly from a REPUTABLE doctor or the CDC – MISS ME WITH THAT SH*T. NO, ASTROLOGERS DO NOT COUNT.

In closing, the only thing spreading faster than COVID is your veiled racism, poor reading comprehension skills, and bullsh*t whatsapp posts. And frankly, I’m over it. Do me a favor and once you’ve read this, please send it in your Whatsapp groups – I promise you won’t die from COVID if you do that*.

(*Not a real promise. But it’s not the worst solution right?)