America is out of ideas. Most recent culinary innovations are, more often than not, two or more items hastily blended together into a muddled whole far lesser than the sum of its parts. (See: The McGriddle, Waffle Taco, Cronut.)

Enter the Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizza.

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Why?

Why did they do this?

Why did they think people would actually enjoy this heaping pile of absurdity?

And why did we order two of them to the Esquire office this afternoon?

The following is a transcript from Esquire.com's internal messaging system. It has been edited for clarity, vulgarity, and GIFs. Scroll to the bottom of this page for comprehensive staff reviews.

12:36 P.M.

John Hendrickson: Hey, we should order one of these to the office

Ryan Bort: did they even bake the fritos? it looks like they just dumped a bag of fritos on there

Eric Vilas-Boas: i'm down to get weird

12:46 P.M.

Ryan: i think the fact that fritos are basically just salt-flavored helps this. just pizza with a crunch on top

John: is there any culinary precedent for putting something starchy/crunchy on top of pizza?

Ryan: they should just pour pepsi on there too

Ryan: do we have any surge left?

Editor's note: We received free samples of Surge in the office two weeks ago

John: somebody actually drank the surge?

Eric: i tried a few sips of the surge around 4pm one day and didn't sleep for a week. Friday was interesting

1:14 P.M.

Eric and John make three failed attempts to find somebody willing to let them use their corporate credit card to order a Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizza

1:25 P.M.

Eric decides to use cash

1:28 P.M.

John: eric is on the phone with papa john's and he just asked if they have "the papa johns fritos chili pizza"

1:29 P.M.

We discover that the Esquire office is outside of the delivery zone for this particular Papa John's location

1:34 P.M.

Eric calls Papa John's no. 2

1:35 P.M.

SUCCESS! ETA 45 minutes

1:44 P.M.

Paul Schrodt: am i the only one here who thinks the frito pizza looks kinda delicious?

Eric: the guy seemed pretty excited to deliver them to us when i was on the phone, but that also might have been my excitement bleeding through

John: it looks kinda dinky here:

http://media.bizj.us/view/img/4181621/papa-johnsfritos-chili*400xx2400-2400-0-0.jpg

Elizabeth Griffin: how many calories are in this thing? do you guys ever ask yourselves that question?

1:50 P.M.

Paul: when is the pizza coming?

2:11 P.M.

Pizza arrives in the lobby

2:14 P.M.

Eric enters the Esquire office, triumphantly, carrying two Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizzas

2:15 P.M.

Ross McCammon, Senior Editor: What's all the hubub around here?

2:15 P.M. - 2:28 P.M.

We gather in the conference room, where two pizza boxes are sprawled open on the long table, paper plates and napkins scattered about without care. A putrid steam oozes toward the gray light fixtures, free from its soggy cardboard prison. We are not polite. We eagerly each take our first slice. Faces start to change after the second and third bites. We quickly realize that the Fritos are stale. The crust tastes like construction paper. There is no marianara sauce, and whatever chili paste is in its place is chunky and bland. Damp red peppers weigh down the triangular cheesy mass. Esquire boss David Granger reluctantly takes a bite of one slice before leaving the room in disgust. Food editor Joe Keohane remarks on how salty it is, and how it all blends together into one tasteless heap, not unlike what you would find on an airplane.

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Eric Vilas-Boas, taking his first bite of a slice

2:30 P.M

More than a few of us remark on feeling ill

2:31 P.M.

Three of us go back for a second slice

2:33 P.M.

Ben Collins (who is home sick today): just received the best spam of my lifetime

Dear Sir/Ma,

I will like to Order for Frozen Full Chicken. Let me know the price per chicken and get back to me with the estimate total cost for 40 chciken because i need this for the end of the year party that we want to do on the 5th of November which is already near by.

Regards

Palmer

Ryan: we should give them papa john's number

Ryan: maybe i'm crazy but i honestly think like i feel ill from eating that slice

Ryan: my stomach does not feel good

2:34 P.M.

John, already feeling sick, emails the entire staff asking for official pizza reviews

You really think Papa John's tastes better with Fritos on top? Well, it probably would, except the Fritos are stale so it doesn't work. Plan failed. The rest is just boring Papa John's pizza. Maybe they should try making the crust out of Fritos and tap into the gluten-free market. —Paul Schrodt

There isn't enough gum on earth to get the aftertaste of this thing out of my mouth. It's like a poltergeist. —Joe Keohane

When I tasted the pizza, I was too hungry to be discriminating. It was salty and caloric—its mediocrity familiar and strangely comforting—so in a way, in spite of the flavor and texture and general appearance, it was satisfying. I ate two pieces. I am not proud. —Jessie Kissinger

Eating this pizza is like having sex with a coworker: Primarily intriguing because it's transgressive, then instantly regrettable. —Anna Peele

Ate two on an empty stomach. My stomach is no longer empty, thus proving what I ate was in fact a real, tangible thing and not a sick nightmare crafted by the evil dream team of Ellen Degeneres and Freddy Krueger. My slices' textures—soggy and sagging and sad—went perfectly with their unctuous flavors—bland bean and saline smothered in so much grease I still taste it a half hour later. Is that Ebola bubbling at the back of my throat? Genius move, Papa. —Eric Vilas-Boas

I had two pieces and now I have one stomachful of Fritos, bean-tomato paste, cheese, and regret. —Nate Hopper

I was slightly optimistic going in, but just… no. Everything about this is wrong. It doesn't work. It's the fast food equivalent of mixing every paint on the palette together until you get that objectionable, too-big lump of brown you end up having to just throw away… but instead of throwing it away, we all ate it. As a Texan who grew up on Frito chili pie, this offended me in a way that was far realer than I could have imagined. Papa, I will never forgive you. —Ryan Bort

I feel ill. —John Hendrickson

Papa John's latest imitation of airplane food—that paradoxical blend of blandness and over-saltedness all at once—is uncanny. And they've pulled it off just meters above sea level! I'm impressed. And nauseated. —Julia Black

You know: if the food supply was cut off, it would be a marginally acceptable stopgap solution. —David Granger, Editor-In-Chief

Update: I feel ill. —Jessie Kissinger

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