ITHACA, NY—Saying that when it came down to it he really didn’t have any other choice, respected ornithologist Ethan R. Lewis confirmed Monday that he had agreed to participate in the upcoming History Channel program What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds? “Let’s face it, there aren’t a ton of bird gigs out there, and this one actually pays pretty well, so eventually I called and told them, ‘Sure, I’ll be on your show,’” said Lewis, an assistant director at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, who reportedly spent 25 minutes explaining to a History Channel producer that humans could not actually become birds. “What else am I going to do? It’s not like you get rich from studying birds. Anyway, all I have to do is say something about how, if they were birds, humans would have to chew on little bits of gravel in order to digest their food.” At press time, Lewis was looking into a camera and stating that in order for humans to fly, each of their arms would have to be the size of a Harley-Davidson.

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