What This Country Needs Now is Extreme Centrism

Walking down any average street in America, one can find themselves surrounded by extremists on both sides of the aisle. Whether they be the right-wing Nazis that have murdered a young woman in the streets, or the left-wing antifa who have broken SEVERAL windows, America is calling out for sanity. Sanity that can only be found in our new far-center political movement.

We’ve managed to look at the views of both the extreme right and the extreme left, and have come up with middle grounds that we truly believe will bring this country right where it belongs, right in the center with no chance of rocking the boat. Imagine, solutions that don’t just cater to the far ends of the political spectrum, but rather, fixes that leave each and every single American the exact same amount of unhappy.

The statues of confederate generals that have sparked so many protests these past few weeks? On the left, you have people saying that these statues are racist, and to see these men idolized makes them feel alienated in their own communities. On the right, you have people saying that this is their heritage and that removing these statues would be taking away a proud part of their identities.

How about we take them down, but once a month every minority in the south receives a post card that says, “your neighbors are proud that their ancestors were slave owners”? Does that sound awful to you no matter where your allegiances lie? Perfect! That’s the centrism at work!

Maybe the issue that vexes you is Trump’s ban on transgender soldiers serving in the American Military? Republicans would say that the amount that the U.S spends on treatments is too great and that their presence would be a distraction to other soldiers. Democrats argue that the cost is minimal and any distraction would come more from creating bigoted policies. Here in the middle, we think that the government should pay for the treatment of every single transgender American service person, but that they can only serve in the police department of Trousdale County, Tennessee.

People still get a hateful policy, transgender Americans can still serve and have their healthcare provided, and Trousdale County Tennessee becomes the safest place in the U.S!

Perhaps you’re someone who thinks the healthcare system in this country is broken and needs to be fixed immediately. If you’re a liberal, you may think that the only way to fix it would be to give Medicare for all so that every single citizen of the United States receives adequate medical care. If you’re a conservative, you may believe that medical services should be a profit industry. Well, extreme centrism tells us that the best way to deal with that would be to keep it a for-profit industry, but on the back of every cereal box, people can get a coupon for a free health service. Dental, vision, gynecological, you name it!

Does that seem unfeasible? Like we’re just trying to get people to shut up? That we’re in the pocket of some kind of big cereal lobby? Yes, we are! Now you’re finally starting to understand!

So, if you think the hateful speech on the left is the same as the right, if you think people who punch Nazis are just as bad as Nazis themselves, if you think a urine soaked sock is the same as a bowl of chicken soup, then The Mayor of Trousdale County, General Mills, and I would be proud to have you aboard.