Christmas is upon us, and I have some outstanding news for this site’s younger readers and perhaps older readers, too.

Santa Claus is real.

The FBI raided his North Pole compound over the weekend and arrested him on charges of unfair labor practices. The elves rejoiced, as he had raised their cost of living at the workshop to ludicrous heights. After Santa was hauled away in tears, the feds confiscated thousands of cookies, gallons of milk and a Wu-Tang album.

You won’t believe this, but the FBI found letters from hockey people addressed to Santa and … look, this is the premise so just accept it, please. You probably all just saw a movie involving light sticks and space magic so you can go along with this for 10 minutes. (Ed note: Dave, the FBI handles domestic issues, while the…ah never mind.)

Dear Santa,

I’m going to ask for the same thing I asked for the past few years. Maybe my English isn’t great and that’s why there’s been some confusion so I’m being more careful this time. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed the gift of flight, the boneless buffalo and the DVD set chronicling the hilarious lives of people living and working on Nantucket island, but I want WINGS. NHL-ready, above-average, quality WINGS to play with.

Sincerely,

Evgeni Malkin

Dear Santa,

Please kill me.

Love,

Ryan Johansen

Dear Santa,

Please don’t tell anyone I asked you for this because I don’t know want my teammates to make fun of me. I would really like a copy of the Kama Sutra. If anyone ever found out I wanted to be better in the bedroom, they’d rip me on Twitter.

Thanks,

Jamie Benn

Dear Santa,

Please get Jamie Benn to stop making fun of me for being good at sex.

Love,

Jason Demers

Dear Santa,

At this time of year, many are thinking about themselves. What they want. What they need. Not me. I want to use my Christmas wish to help others. So please, if you can find it in your warm, jolly heart to let anyone — and I mean anyone — win the draft lottery besides the Edmonton Oilers, It would be nice to spread the draft lottery joy to literally anyone besides the Oilers.

Love,

Auston Matthews

Dear Santa,

I wasn’t kidding earlier. If you really can see me when I’m sleeping, that’d be a fine time to do it. I really appreciate this.

I’m completely serious,

Ryan Johansen

Dear Santa,

Remember when I used to always wish that I was bigger? I’d ask for the gift of height? I take it all back. I’m fine.

All the best,

Johnny Gaudreau

Dear Santa,

I’ve been getting myself in a lot of trouble the past two seasons, so I’d love it if you could get me a book I could really use: Twitter for Dummies.

Thank you,

Steven Stamkos

Dear Santa,

I only have one goal this season and that went into an empty net. I would love it if you sent me a Shooter Tutor.

Love,

Ryan Getzlaf

Dear Santa,

I love Lowell Mather and Roy as the next guy, but I want the same thing as Geno this year.

Love,

Sidney Crosby

p.s. If you’re going to mess with me again, I’d prefer medium over hot.

Dear Santa,

I’m running low on vampire blood. Can I get more? I’m not staying young by accident over here.

Thanks,

Jaromir Jagr

Dear Santa,

I know that before the season, I said I want my best players to be willing to go through a wall. From talking to players around the league, you seem to have a great sense of humor so you took my request literally. Please understand that going forward, I do not — I repeat, DO NOT — want my players to try to go through walls, because it’s impossible and dangerous.

Love,

Todd McLellan

Dear Santa,

I’m going to keep it simple. Money. I want lots and lots of money.

Love,

Andrew Barroway

Dear Santa,

I’ve exhausted every avenue so I’m putting this on you. I want an outdoor game. That’s it. Nothing else matters, please get me an outdoor game.

Also, peace and love and goodwill toward blah blah blah that too if you can get it but really, an outdoor game.

Love,

Tom Gaglardi

Dear Santa,

Please make Tom Gaglardi stop calling me.

Love,

Gary Bettman

Dear Santa,

For the love of all things pure and holy, make it so that hockey writers stop saying Patrick Kane is overcoming adversity this season.

Love,

The world

Dear Santa,

Please let me go back to Pittsburgh. I miss it there. There’s nothing I want more than to coach two of the best players in the … ha! Gotcha! Just kidding, I’m good.

Love,

Dan Bylsma

Dear Santa,

No one else will see this, right? It’s not like the FBI is going to raid your workshop, right? Ha! Anyway, I would just like it if you could make people know who I am. I’m on pace for 45 goals and it’s like I’m invisible. I know it’s not cool to be a hockey player and ask for praise, but a couple guys in Nashville called me “Dustin” earlier this year and I’ve had enough.

Thank you,

Mike Hoffman

Dear Santa,

We don’t want anything, except for you to stay away. If you don’t want to pronounce your name properly or to go by your true name — Père Noël— you are not welcome here.

Au revoir,

The province of Quebec

Dear Santa,

I spoke to my agent and we’ve decided a trade makes a lot more sense. Please disregard my earlier letters so I can sleep in peace.

Sorry for the confusion,

Ryan Johansen

Dear Santa,

Would it be possible to get a couch? Something really soft I can relax and stretch out on? Ideally, I’d like to have it in my defensive zone at all times. Actually, make it two couches, in case I need it in the neutral zone too. And now that I think about it, can you have them shipped to Russia instead of Canada?

Love,

Alex Semin

Dear Santa,

Steven Stamkos.

Sincerely,

Brendan Shanahan

Dear Santa,

Steven Stamkos.

Sincerely,

David Poile

Dear Santa,

Steven Stam- … You know what? Let me get back to you on this after the new year.

Sincerely,

Steve Yzerman

Dear Santa,

I just want to tell you that while I think you’ve done a lot of great things in the past, it wouldn’t hurt if you dropped a couple pounds. It doesn’t set a good example for everyone else. Your gift to me would be sitting down for a night and watching the people around you work. It would be special for me and my family if you got in better shape and were more like Brandon Dubinsky.

Love is a sign of weakness,

John Tortorella

Dear Ryan,

I will find you a new home ASAP.

Regards,

Santa Claus