Probably The Best Blog I Have Ever Written But Then Again Probably Not... so fuck my life

I have debated writing a blog instead of writing one irrationally and calm down a bit. I am sure the same results will occur, where people read this with their group chat and dissect it, while completely ignoring it on the surface since I can have limited praise, and to further illustrate that no one cares about me, even though people are clearly monitoring me write this shit, and moving my cursor and even post it on sub reddits before I even posted it onto the site, so that is why I have this delusion grandeur. You know what else I am bound to think? That people within industries are secret fans of mine and pay attention to every meltdown, every stutter, every grotesque noise that comes from my horrendously shaped body.

I tend to try and practice writing just to see if I have the skill to construct jokes. The mistake I made was I have absorbed everything with all this consumption of television, podcast, movies, news, etc just because you have to know what is going on and always figured my mind was the best aspect but I have so much coming at me, that I am barely able to retain anything anymore, and barely even able to come up with any witty comebacks and because of my limited vernacular I go for the meanest comebacks back at people who I presume have been paid to troll me, since everyone online is practically some sort of agent, whether it is for a good side or an evil side, but either way the narratives are limited, at least that is what I like to tell myself.

So I have to jot down thoughts to write about and have some opinion on it and I have coasted by compiling a huge list that goes back a week or so that I have not gotten out of my head, so it is a lot more aggressive with my mind because I have not gotten old thoughts out of my fucked up brain, and more keep piling up and I have no structure to how I think. I am afraid of going out because the social anxiety reaches another level, also if I go out with friends, and it always seems they let me out for a limited event so it is like they are doing me a favor, even though they make it seem like it is another event that is casual, everything is timed out, and if I ask questions and try to have some discussion with it, maybe because my friends and others know I write down what is on my mind to get it off my chest so I can’t know about certain things, but it feels like the socializing is pretentious, and even if things go well with people I don’t know too well, I wonder if they expect me to be more social, and then I have to worry about being on and not going into my conspiracy territory because that is all on my mind.

People in my life don’t want to hear about how I am being fucked with potentially and it feels because they are guilty in helping with it, potentially they would rather not talk to me if I am going to complain and since they know what I write, they know how to act based off what I write. Even people who I have loose affiliation with, through the show or something. Either way I am afraid of even being creative or even criticizing because the world is being censored, like if you don’t agree with the collective of something in the system or a personality/celebrity it feels like people are employed to talk about them at parties or on certain shows you can notice the disdain they have for your opinion, even not liking something online.

I already had something structured just to get this off my mind but I am unsure if I want to post this blog up because I don’t know if it is good enough to be out there, and if it is good enough did I just give away more creativity for free that people with no souls will take and use it for themselves and then I have to continue to look like a fucking crazy asshole proclaiming myself importance onto the world that no one will ever care about. Why do you think I feel the need to drop that I was on the Stern Show because that is where I peaked essentially and I never thought I would be alive this long because I will never belong, I will piss people off and people have control over my life and then I have to hear pretentious pep talk from people in higher level of notoriety give a limited answer of hard work but never ever specifying what exactly is the hard work because it is more than just doing what you are told and hoping you go up in the ranks, there is severe initiations and politics that go into all of this

See I made the mistake of doing the worst thing for people who have complete hatred for me. I can write this blog and no one will care or at least pretend not to care so why not just say it right. The horrible thing I made the mistake of doing was actually going out to have a fun time because being happy for a time being is a big no in my existence. Whenever you suspect that, you have to work extra hard to bring me down and make me feel like shit and this is why these paid trolls are assholes, and then when I become a little aggressive and become offensive, they reverse it like they are the victim like they weren’t purposely instilling more paranoia in my head. They use my mental illness to dismiss me from having credibility and then when I point out why these people would try to fuck with someone who is a manic asshole, because they want me to reply irrationally so I can then get in trouble in the future because we will take it out of context, even though the system already watches everything you do and know when you write some fucked up shit, but part of that initiation is getting in trouble,

I had an amazing time at the Impact tapings and the PPV itself and met with so many cool fans there. I don’t know if I can do this often but apparently being happy that RVD heard of me or that I fist bumped Don Callis, that was enough to anger anyone who wants me to feel miserable so of course there had to be news that I supported ISIS because they have to go with the hacky stereotype and intellectualize it like I support what happened on 9/11. These trolls know that people will search this stuff one day and seeing this without any knowledge of who I am, people will just pretend to be offended by this and as I wrote this, the cursor moved once again.

I personally think because I have this knack to speak up for people I feel are being piled up on has something to do with it as well. I don’t know if it is a work but speaking out about WWE’s treatment of talent and what kind of stuff they would exploit the last several months has gotten them to punish me and even using people in my life to do it a bit too since everyone behind the scenes are connected. I still suspect these people to push me further so I self destruct, I just welcome them to try and murder me because they will do that eventually. They have to, and again this is all hypothetical, no one will care anyways, because I am just a deranged shit head in his mother’s basement, where they purposely put me because the powers that be control that and have limited me so much that it has to humiliate me for not fully committing to selling my soul. So When I see talent within industries being fucked with, and sometimes it could be a marketing tool or maybe it represents something, I just lose it because so many token minorities are going along with the system’s narrative and the sick part is that sometimes they will call out limited things about racism out but still going to bat with more systemic type of racism that continues to go on. It can go beyond that too, but defending Lio Rush has left people to fuck with me more and because Mark Henry and Booker T have sided with the system, now the WWE shills will use that as an excuse why those guys could be wrong because they are black and they are the nicest people, but here is the thing, as much as I respect those guys, they are still being employed by a company that has been doing deals for blood money and also partly responsible for normalizing Trump to some degree and also being in his cabinet, so I think they have to be limited. Maybe Mark would have given Lio advice legit, but I also can’t blame Lio for not trusting Mark because he is in the inner circle to some extent after having to deal with paying his dues. Even though the tasks did not seem horrible, you’re a billion dollar company where the top office has jets, you can afford someone to hand out water and carry bags if you need that. Lio pays his dues by wrestling and working his way up the ranks and still being respectful, he is not contracted to do people’s tasks and if you are going to justify it with “Everyone has to do it” then maybe you should have spoken up because you were conned. Don’t act like the punishment wouldn’t result into some horrific shit based on the past in what this company has covered up, and what they are capable of. I have a problem with how it is portrayed in the media as well, because at most it just comes off like it is just petty control freaks that are incapable of writing good television. So when you have had a business that has been built on people doing scum bag things, someone not wanting to hand out water or carry bags is not on my top 50 list of offensive shit that a performer has done.

There is other ways to do team building and trying to organize some teachable moments for people who are on the come up so these hidden rules these people are expected to know and if they don’t, the company will fuck with them and make them miserable, It does not just pertain to what happens in that place of employment but I also suspect that in social media era, the company can have interns or paid trolls go online and get their alternate accounts to fuck with these people, and then it becomes bestowed upon the fans for being cruel, and I am not denying there aren’t asshole fans (Is it denying there are or aren’t I am confused and too lazy to check, ah fuck it) but I think the way these corporations and institutions organize it, it comes across like more of the shills are tearing down these people and then you are not supposed to feel bad for them because they make it seem like the celebrity life is this amazing dream of a existence and really easy, and while it might seem easier than what the oppressed face, due to them having money, people in these industries have to go through fucked up shit where they eventually self destruct, that is why I hate when they present it like celebrities or public figures are just like regular people, and they aren’t because they play by entirely different rules, doesn’t mean they aren’t oppressed in their own way and not being able to have the freedom to explain the rules, and having to talk in code.

I have been afraid to sell my soul because I know they will put it in the script for me to have to rape someone or do some domestic type of violence, or do something that discredits me, and then my career continues, and then when it is finally supposed to be put to an end, then something else will happen where you correlate with what has happened in the past when I initially get in trouble. I could never do that to someone, and you wonder why all these celebrities become scumbags, and they don’t even give you the proper context of what the entire system is, maybe you can call it out to some extent but not fully and even someone like me I am not taken seriously so who is going to pay attention to this blog. Most people act like I don’t exist. So when I see talent piling up on someone who might have an attitude but they collectively say nothing about what their employers are doing and who they sold their soul to, then it comes across a little pretentious. Maybe if these bosses would legit let their people have freedom and not put a hindrance in their lives, like they have done to me while letting everyone else make the connects and then never take accountability for everything they have done that is bad and expect me to take the full blame. Sorry I don’t play by your fucked up rules.

I would rather die than ever do that, and maybe I should be gone because I am tempted to wanting to be part of the club so badly and I know it is not what I want because I am just irrational of never getting what I deserved for the work I did put in behind the scenes, and stuff I will never get credit for so when I state it, it just comes across as someone being delusional and have to be reminded that “Imran Khan lives with his dad and mom” like it is supposed to fucking trigger me. If I don’t call into certain shows or if I call out people from certain shows, the trolls show up to instill paranoia and try to get me to snap, so much so I don’t have people in a group chat helping me out with witty comments, and don’t have the presumed illuminati microchip that most people must have, and I can assume that because if there is steroids for the body to get stronger, there has to be some kind of advancement in pill form to make you become a sharp thinker and I think people would have that. I don’t and I have to be a regular human being with no gift and no will to live. People have to accept this is a game we are playing and at least be transparent of the rules instead of presenting the system like it is this innocent place, and the most evil thing they do is just become negligent over matters instead of explaining how they have fucked up shit going on, allegedly.

So I knew when I had a good time, and felt kind of cool that I got to speak to RVD or fist bump Don Callis, that it would anger trolls because me being any kind of happy is not good. I call into Busted Open to support Lio Rush, and then Mark Henry explains why I am wrong about it, then suddenly military vets who are white are tagging me and saying the most clichéd type of shit, and I lose it and as soon as you try to come for me and say I was not good enough to be a whack packer based off an opinion that racism might exist, I assume there is an agenda and I will snap and say whatever mean thing comes to my fucking head and make you feel like shit. I will pay for it when someone brings it up but I am already black balled and I really don’t intend on going anywhere.

It could be wrestling trolls, Stern Show trolls, people in my life personally who will try to insinuate they are watching me and misrepresent everything I say and then be expected to have a conversation with them. I see this pep talk of talking to people face to face about these things, but what is the point when these people will never take accountability and make me have to humble myself when I have already taken my lumps and paid dues by being mentally tortured from one of the most powerful people in showbiz. I have contributed more than enough, while also being denied any type of credit or any type of advancement when I was a fucking loyal soldier. I used to be dumb idiot, probably still am but I was naïve and went a long with neoliberalism and some form of conservatism in my life and did not realize I was being brainwashed because I was too afraid to think for myself and went with whoever sounded cooler whether it was saying ignorant shit, or saying some preachy shit to some extent and now I had to retain myself and how to think because I never knew how to use my brain. I waste these thoughts on blogs but maybe if others read them, secretly, maybe it helps someone else, maybe it will help another wrestler to barrow from my blog and then I can claim it, while there being no confirmation on it. Who gives a fuck?

So I get defensive when this shit because I don’t know what people in my life had to do to become part of the elite and then lie to my face and am I being associated with people who are scummy and I have no idea, and if I let certain people into my life will they try to take over and try to take from me if I am ever vindicated and sometimes it seems I am supposed to be with how obvious people are with wanting to be part of my life but then still continue to lie to me, and think because I am not going to be confrontational at that moment, that I will suddenly stop thinking about it.

I feel loved ones in my life have set me up and have gotten what they needed and just sacrificed me to be prostituted while people profit off appearances I make at places since this entire game is run like an exploitation camp and people have no idea they are part of some larger game while they get all the fucking perks for that and only reason they need me is for some kind of secret social points you can cash in underground and this will eventually make its way to the surface and we will act like “ERMA GURD ISNT IT LIKE BLACK MIRROR” when Black Mirror was essentially showing us what has been going on for a while, and I am one of the people in the game you have to interact with. No one will admit it though. I will never see any of the money I helped people make.

They won’t even give me the satisfaction of dying because these sick soulless human want me to endure this and be fucked with until I find the urge to kill myself eventually. They needed me to fucking do that and they will continue to lie and keep secrets from me and I am sure when they do it one more time they are trying to get me to snap even more because I am supposed to self destruct when they could just destroy me. No one of importance will ever truly investigate any of this because the excuse will be “Why would people be after you? LOL YOU’RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT BRO” when these same people saying that have been monitored willingly or unwillingly.

I want to say this is probably my best blog but I am still unsure if I am going to post this shit and if I do I will then regret it because no one will care I wrote this and maybe it is middle school drivel and it is just not good, fine I am a mediocre piece of shit. Okay you happy? You don’t need to get in a discord chat and come up with more gimmicks to fuck with me and try to make me uncomfortable.