Democratic Party Finally Defeats Left-Wing Politics

WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party celebrated another milestone today in their continued effort to suppress left-wing politics following Bernie Sanders’ announcement that he was suspending his campaign, ecstatic sources with ties to major banks confirmed.

“The party encourages people to participate. We love that, but we feel Bernie is not a good representation of what modern Democrats stand for,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez. “It’s nothing personal; we just need all of our constituents to know that we’re fighting for them. And Bernie just wasn’t speaking up for the little guys in the fracking industry — or any corporate lobby, for that matter — the way Joe Biden has throughout his career. We are so happy to stand behind Joe before his inevitable loss in November.”

Meaghyn Miller, a 30-year-old graphic designer and registered Democrat, is relieved the party can unite behind 77-year-old Biden.

“I think the choice is obvious. Biden said he’s going to have a female Vice President — why is everybody not focusing on that? Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you need to be angry,” said Miller. “Look, I get it: I’ve been down and out before, but Bernie just isn’t the answer. People need to stop depending on the government to be your nanny. If someone is having trouble making ends meet, they should do what I do and call up my parents and ask them for money. So just shut up already, you misogynistic bros.”

Establishment Democrats can hardly contain their relief that the nominee will not be pushing for a “revolution.”

“Donald Trump sucks and we need to get him out of office,” said Hillary Clinton, the 2016 Democratic nominee. “But if he weren’t President everything else would be fine. What is there to revolt against? We don’t need a revolution. We need things to just go back to exactly how they were: the salad days of drone strikes, interventionist policies, and a status quo that was able to fly under the radar.”

The DNC further instructed Sanders supporters to “hold their noses and vote for someone who openly despises them because that’s what democracy is all about.”