Guns.com — a website devoted to real honest-to-god guns and not pictures of oversized lady breasts or Crossfitters wearing tank tops that read “Sun’s out, guns out” — has some new stuff up and you’re going to want to pay special attention to an editorial on how to conduct yourself in a gun battle. Yes, the holidays are upon us and that means getting together with family you don’t particularly care for or maybe you’re going to the mall and someone swipes that parking space you were waiting for. Don’t you want to know how to effectively double-tap Uncle Carl or minivan mom?

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I know I do.

So Jeffrey Denning has written a Very Special “20 rules for winning gun fights,” because you just know that a full-scale shootout is in your near future and you want to be prepared, don’t you? Of course you do. Don’t be silly. Be strapped instead.

For obvious reasons, Rule #1 is the most important one because you have to approach this with the right frame of mind if you intend to gift — since it is the holiday season — a random person or family member with a full-metal jacket-induced sucking chest wound.

Here is rule #1, and I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.:

1. Be prepared to use deadly force.

This emotional, mental and psychological decision must be made long before the incident arrives. You may have to shoot a man, a woman, pregnant lady or a teenager. Think about it before the time arrives. Be prepared to stop a co-worker, a neighbor, a teammate, friend or even a relative. You may have to physically hurt or kill someone that you know or someone you’ve talked with or like or someone you think you know well.

The link at “even a relative” takes you to “Could You Shoot Your Own Son in Self Defense?” and to save you some extra reading — because I know you’re a busy person — the answer for Denning is: “yes.”

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Now that you have prepared yourself to shoot a pregnant lady (since Denning is a Mormon, he likely counts that as two kills – congrats!) or your son, what is next for the eager 2nd Amendment enthusiast interested in living, locking, and loading?

2. Have plan to kill everyone you meet.

This old military adage still holds true: if you have prepared for every possibility, you’ll be able to act or react quicker. In gun fights, speed saves.

Well, duh. Everyone these days is a threat. Why is that young mother at the park dipping into her purse? Will she bring out a Ziploc bag full of Cheerios for little Katniss-Taylor or a death-spewing high-performance GLOCK 31 characterized by its extremely high muzzle velocity and superior accuracy? Why take a chance, amirite?

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3. Action is faster than reaction.

If someone’s pointing a gun at you, you must act fast. He can pull the trigger anytime he wants to and you’ll be DRT – dead right there. Never – ever – get involved in a so-called Mexican standoff where two people just stand there and point guns at each other. Save that for Hollywood because in real life, if you do that, you could lose with disastrous results.

Although the Mexican standoff part seems kinda racist, Jeff has a point. Shoot now and let a grand jury sort it out later. If recent history is any guide — and you are white and your opponent isn’t — the odds are forever in your favor. Have fun with it.

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This goes well with:

9. Don’t hesitate.

Hesitation kills. Hesitation is your enemy–but so is shooting too fast.

You should also “Shoot center mass” (#11) although Denning concedes that a head shot is cool beans if you can manage it. Darren Wilson probably “liked ” this on Facebook.

Let’s see, what else…

13. Shoot until the threat stops.

Forget the two-shots and stop drill. Try a six-shot rhythm drill on the target’s chest.

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and….

17. Don’t be a wuss.

You can be scared (should be scared even), but you must act anyway. Acting in the face of fear is called courage and its what is needed in gun fights.

and…

18. Be aggressive.

Violence of action is your friend, as long as it is controlled. Be tactically smart, but aggressive in movement and attitude. Call it what you will, but in the end, more violence wins.

It also helps to be jacked up on paranoid fantasies, a desire to kill, and a willingness to gun down one of your own family members should the need arise, or someone forgot to replace the toilet paper roll.

It is these qualities that makes Jeffrey Denning’s wife and six children (I told you he’s a Mormon) the best behaved family in America.

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Also the most nervous…