"Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been, to stand back up taller than you ever were"



MY STORY: Was with the ex for 5 years when she broke my heart. Was left for another guy. It was a very bad breakup. Happened completely out of the blue.

Welcome to the land of heartbreak! Where food has no taste and sleep is scarce. We accept people of all colors shapes and sizes. For those of you with a freshly sliced heart you'll probably be dropping a few pounds but no worries, it's normal. There is a lot to be learned around these parts, so let me help you out. 👍

***YOU'RE NOT ALONE.***

THERE ARE PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD FEELING LIKE YOU ARE AT THIS EXACT MOMENT. NO APPETITE, NO SLEEP, CAN'T STOP THINKING OF YOUR EX, NO MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING, PRAYING TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN THAT YOUR EX WILL CONTACT YOU AT THIS VERY MOMENT SAYING "I WANT YOU BACK". JUST REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Let me make something very clear for all the people dealing with a broken heart right now. There is no sure way to get an ex back. Believe me I’ve looked everywhere for one. I even checked Amazon because Amazon has everything. I was just like all you here, completely shattered after my breakup. Broken. Down and out. I literally felt a pain in my chest. I couldn't sleep and had no appetite for weeks. Felt completely alone. Going through every single breakup forum on the internet all day long looking for an answer to fix this unreal pain I was feeling in my chest. I was lost. No matter what anybody said I didn't care, I just wanted her back and nothing was going to stop me. I would have done ANYTHING to have my ex back. Sound a little familiar? Most of you have been hearing about NO CONTACT. Let me tell you right now, NC doesn't guarantee 100% that he/she will come back. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT think this will absolutely for sure bring your ex back. However, I can guarantee you one thing from experience.... NO CONTACT will help you get your life back on track and feeling 100% again. I've read so many breakup stories online and I realized that an ex coming back is NEVER EVER FOR SURE. No matter what you've read or heard the truth is nothing is for sure in the game of love. Don't use NC as a way to get your ex back, use it as a way to get yourself back.

No contact is exactly what it sounds like. Absolutely zero contact with the ex. Whether it’s on the phone, in person, through social media it doesn’t matter. When I mean NC, I mean literally ZERO contact with the ex. No communication whatsoever. Not even secretly creeping on their Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah. NOTHING. Don't ever ever ever look at any of their social media profiles. This will hold you back from healing. TRUST ME. Don't half **** NC. If you're going to do it, do it all the way because this will be one of hardest things you will ever do. You need to do it wholeheartedly. THE EX DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE. Ok?

**GET RID OF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU OWN THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR EX. THE SOONER YOU DO THIS THE SOONER YOU WILL START YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING. IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT YET, STOP READING THIS AND START DOING IT NOWWWW. THEN COME RIGHT BACK 😉 **

This is the most important rule of getting over somebody right here...

***NEVER BE IN CONTACT WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE GETTING OVER. YOU WON'T HEAL IF YOU ARE IN CONTACT WITH THAT PERSON. I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE, YOU WON'T GET OVER THEM. NO TYPE OF CONTACT AT ALL. YOUR EX IS DEAD TO YOU NOW.**

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF THEM ALL.

You have no idea how important this is for you to recover. Never ever check up on them when you’re broken up or reach out to them under any circumstance (UNLESS KIDS ARE INVOLVED). I know most of you will reach out to the ex cause curiosity just gets the best of us and we’re in a very vulnerable state. I get it. I was there and made that stupid mistake over and over again. Boy was that STUPID. I saw things I didn't want to see. I was shooting myself in the foot over and over again. If you do it, you WILL REGRET IT. DON'T DO IT. I'm trying to save yourself from the pain that it WILL cause you. NC will be the hardest thing you'll probably do but trust me this is the only way to heal after losing someone you were truly in love with.

***NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL AND FULLY RECOVER. YES, THE ONLY WAY. DON’T FORGET THIS. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD NOW AND SAVE YOURSELF FROM MORE UNNECESSARY PAIN. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.***

I know I know you're trying to find a way to do anything except no contact. You're thinking...

“There must be some other way to get them back, right?! I can’t completely cut them off they were my best friend for the last X amount of years! We talked every single day morning to night! I just can’t. I’m too nice to do that. What if she/he forgets about me and starts dating other people and I’m forgotten about forever?! What if this backfires on me?!"

Well guess what? They broke up with you. IT’S OVER. They would rather be single than be with you. Think about that. After the breakup he/she will continue talking to other people and continue to live life. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE. This is about you and only you soldier. Healing is all about you. Oh and remember this.. the only thing that’s going to rush them into going on dates with new people is if you start to beg them to come back and work things out with you.

***NEVER EVER BEG THEM TO COME BACK TO YOU. EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. EVER.**

This is a classic mistake. I made this mistake and so did many many many others. I made this mistake and looking back I feel like such an idiot for doing that. Every person who has ever done this thinks back to it and says OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING? I LOOKED PATHETIC AND WEAK. But I didn’t know any better. It was my first heartbreak and it was a natural instinct to try and fight for something you don't want to let go of. If you've been doing NC keep it up. For those thinking about breaking NC, you know you shouldn't so DON'T DO IT.

**GO LOOK AT POST #228 ON THIS THREAD RIGHT NOW. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T BREAK NC. THEN COME RIGHT BACK!**

Trust me, if it blows up in your face (AND THERE IS A VERY GOOD CHANCE NOTHING COMES OUT OF YOU CONTACTING THEM. YOU ARENT GOING TO CONVINCE THEM TO HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART) you’re going to feel how you felt the day your ex ended things. Think about how far you've come. Don't go back to day 1. It's the worst feeling ever. Literally the moment I broke NC months ago, I instantly regretted it. I was back to square one after all that progress I made. The moment I pressed send. DON'T DO IT. Oh and FYI, I broke NC and she didn't want me back AND I felt exactly how I did the day she broke up with me. You do not want to feel like that.

***IF THEY WANT YOU BACK AND ARE SERIOUS ABOUT IT, IT'LL BE AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS. SOMETIMES EVEN YEARS BECAUSE PEOPLE MAKE GENUINE CHANGES AFTER EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME.***

Seriously, are they going to have a change of heart after two weeks? 1 month? 2 months? Think about it. Who does that? If somebody flip flops THAT fast between wanting to be with you and not wanting to be with you do you even want to be with that person? After awhile of NC, you'll start to notice a change. After a few months my vision wasn't so blurred anymore. I took her off that pedestal. My ex did a fantastic job of shifting the blame and guilt to me after the breakup even though she was completely in the wrong for what she did. She really made me feel like the breakup was my fault and it made the breakup even harder for me. After a few months I didn't blame myself for everything that caused the breakup anymore. I saw things for what they really were. I got to see where things went wrong in the relationship on her side and my side. I was thinking of her less and less. I GOT TO SEE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH COMPLETE CLARITY. It was amazing what NC did for me. This will happen with you. You'll slowly but surely start being yourself again and feeling better about yourself and life. Your ex will slowly start to fade from your brain. Your life will start to get back on track. You'll be able to really reflect on the relationship and see things clearly. BUT!!! This can only be done through NO CONTACT, not LITTLE CONTACT. Remember that. TIME REALLY DOES HEAL EVERYTHING. Well, time and NO CONTACT.

BONUS RULE: I see so many people posting "should I send a letter to my ex?" wanting closure or to make one last attempt at reconciliation. Truth is, after my breakup I sent this longggg text to my ex spilling my heart out to her hoping it would change her mind. It didn't. But it did help me move on a bit. It took that to finally get it through my head that it's OVER even though deep down I already knew it was over. I needed that final nail in the coffin to finally let go. I was too stubborn to believe it was really over. I needed that slap in the face so I could just let go and know I did everything I could to save the relationship. In no way am I telling everybody to do this. Don't take it like that. Those of you wanting to send a letter or something like that I say GO FOR IT AND DO IT ASAP. If you're thinking about it I'm pretty sure you were going to do it anyways. As I said I'm not telling every heartbroken person reading this to send one, but for those who are thinking about it go ahead and do it. Spill your heart out. Send a long email or text or a letter delivered by a bird. Anything you want. Send it and see what happens. I can guarantee you it won't change anything but if that’s what it takes for you to realize it’s over DO IT and do it NOW. Ok back to the rant....**

QUICK LIST!

1) DONT EVER INITIATE CONTACT WITH AN EX (UNLESS YOU HAVE KIDS)

2) STOP TRYING TO FIND SMALL/USELESS REASONS TO CONTACT THEM.

3) DON'T INVITE THEM TO MEETUP FOR COFFEE OR FROZEN YOGURT (FRO-YO IS DELICIOUS THOUGH. YOU CAN INVITE ME INSTEAD)

4) DO NO CONTACT FOR YOURSELF AND NOT TO GET THEM BACK. IT WON'T WORK.

READ #5 VERY VERY CLOSELY

***5) DON’T THINK YOUR SITUATION IS THE EXCEPTION TO ALL THIS. I REMEMBER THINKING MY STORY WAS UNIQUE AND THAT I COULD DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. SO I BROKE THE RULES AND THE ALL THE ADVICE GIVEN TO ME. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? I GOT BACK WITH MY EX, ONLY FOR HERE TO BREAK UP WITH ME AGAIN A FEW MONTSH DOWN THE ROAD. THE 2ND BREAKUP WAS WORSE THAN THE FIRST. DO I REGRET TAKING HER BACK SO FAST? HELL YES I DO. JUST CAUSED MYSELF MORE PAIN AND I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE BUT DID ANYWAYS. MY STORY ENDED UP PLAYING OUT JUST LIKE SO MANY OTHER STORIES I HAD READ ONLINE. I DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE ADVICE PEOPLE GAVE ME AND I GOT BURNED. THEY WERE ALL RIGHT AND I WAS DUMB TO THINK MY SITUATION WAS DIFFERENT.***

Getting over somebody and moving on is a serious commitment. Relationships are a lot like sand in your hand. Just visualize yourself holding sand in your hand. What happens when you try to squeeze the sand in your hand? It slips through your fingers. Like when you're squeezing on to that last thread of your relationship. Trying to save it. What happens when you let the sand just sit there in your hand? It stays there. NEVER FORCE A RELATIONSHIP. That is exactly what is happening with you and your ex. Don’t force it. Let him/her be. No squeezing of the sand.

Going into NC I really had the hopes that it would bring her back. That after a few months she would be crying at my doorsteps saying “Ben Dover I made a huge mistake and I want you back. Please take me back, I even brought you tacos and a slurpee and I promise to watch sports with you all the time”. Pretty much what we all wish for right? Truth is NC changed me as a person. Like I said, it made me realize all the problems in the relationship. We all played a role in the breakup and that’s just the truth. REMEMBER THIS. You’re going to want to blame yourself for everything that caused the breakup. That’s very unhealthy. You aren’t the only one at fault for the split. Both people are responsible for the breakup. So I started to ask myself "what do I need to improve about myself? What should have I done differently?” and this leads me to my next point...

This might be the most important thing I want you to take away from this rant/thread.

*KEEP PUSHING FORWARD AND EVOLVE. NEVER BE CONTENT. GROW. PUSH YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. TEST YOURSELF. CHALLENGE YOURSELF. PUSH YOURSELF TO YOUR LIMITS.**

That's the best advice I can give any of you. Become an even better version of yourself. Use this breakup as a fire. Let that fire inside of you get bigger and bigger and motivate you to become the best YOU that you can be. This is the perfect time to do so. Go get a new look. Get a new haircut. New clothes. New hobbies. THIS IS TIME FOR A NEW AND BETTER VERSION of you. My breakup put a huge fire under my **** and made me learn so much about myself. This was extremely important. I took time to really reflect on the things I wanted to change about myself. I got to see things I didn't like about myself and I took the steps to change them. If it wasn’t for the breakup I probably wouldn’t have realized these things that I needed to change about myself. Now, I'm a way better version of myself. I'm never making those mistakes I made in the past again. I’m happier with myself and more confident. Don't be the same person you were when things ended.

**Think about this...Do you really want to be the same exact person that you were when your ex broke up with you?**

Just think about that for a second. We're all at some fault for our breakups and we need to accept that. Do something to make sure you don’t ever make those mistakes again moving forward and for your future relationships. Do it for yourself and not the ex. Make these changes not to get the ex back but for yourself. When you really start fixing problems from within and striving towards better things for yourself, good things will come to you. Your confidence and self esteem will start to raise again or even get higher than it's ever been and women/men WILL pick up on this. Trust me. There's nothing women/men love more than confidence. Right? Everybody is attracted to confidence and after being heartbroken your confidence is at an all time low. It's normal. We need to get that confidence back. NC and working on yourself you will do just that.

**MY EX BREAKING UP WITH ME WAS TRULY A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. I BELIEVE BREAKUPS A LOT OF TIMES ARE BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE FOR PEOPLE**

I truly believe this. The next woman I’m in a relationship with is going to get the best Ben Dover there has ever been. No woman is going to stop me from becoming everything I want to become and keep me from being as happy as possible. All my ex did was motivate me even more. I love myself more than I ever have and it feels amazing.

This next part, I want you to read very carefully because I believe a lot of people are in this stage with their ex right now.

**DO NOT BE LIKE ME. DON'T BE A DOORMAT FOR YOUR EX. DON'T GET STRUNG ALONG AFTER YOUR BREAKUP. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS AFTER A BREAKUP. THIS IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN POSSIBLY MAKE POST BREAKUP**

Don't let them keep contacting you after the breakup. Don't let your ex use you as a PLAN B just in case your ex breaks up with their new partner, or your ex gets lonely for a night or is just bored. THIS HAPPENS A LOT AFTER BREAK UPS. A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK. The dumper will contact the dumpee just to see if he/she has control over the dumpee. They use you to make themselves feel better. It is so incredibly selfish. They want to see if they still have the dumpee wrapped around their finger just in case they might need some attention or an ego boost for a day or weekend. They send a pathetic text message like HEY, HOW ARE YA? Do you know how many times my ex said "I miss you so much" or some random **** about her thinking about me? But when it came to getting back together she always said "I need to be single right now". Lucky me right?

**BEING IN CONTACT WITH AN EX WILL KEEP YOU STUCK. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY MOVE ON. YOU WILL BE IN A GREY AREA. GREY AREA= STUCK AND NOT HEALING.**

My ex did this to me a bunch. I always replied. I was so stuck when this started to happen. I felt like there was still a chance for me to convince her to get back with me. Reality was she didn’t want to get back together but she sure didn’t mind flirting here and there when she needed an ego boost. I was in the grey area for months. I was stuck for months. THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Don’t let your ex suck you back in because if they really want to be with you, TRUST ME THEY WOULD BE WITH YOU. THEY WILL MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THEY WANT YOU BACK. I got strung along badddd. Don’t be me guys. I was her emotional crutch for wayyyy too long and it gave me false hope. Guess what happened? It blew up in my face. Found out she was talking to several guys and going on all these dates. Here I am thinking there’s a chance to get back together. Lucky me. I went alllll the way back to how I felt the day we broke up. I was completely crushed. Is that what you want? Trust me, you DO NOT WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT. This held me back from recovering big time.

The one thing I regret the most about all this was not going NO CONTACT literally the day she broke up with me. I was a total idiot by allowing her to text me all the time and responding to every single text. Once I cut her off and didn't respond anymore. That's when she started getting desperate. Point is,

**ACTIONS WILL ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.**

Anybody can send texts and say things like I miss you and blah blah blah. If they want you back at some point, they will go out of their way to fix things. TRUST ME.

The universe has a crazy way of working. Sounds lame and cheesy but it is sooooo true. This is something common in breakup stories...Once I started going out, meeting tons of girls, going on dates, becoming intimate again, and had my confidence at an all time high....guess who came back? Anybody want to guess? Anybody? Yup you know who. I'm not saying this will happen in every relationship but it happens pretty often. Dumpers have like a sixth sense and know when the dumpee is getting over them so they jump back into the picture. It's crazy. If this happens to you, take things very slow if you even wish to reconcile at this point. Do not jump right back into it. Make your ex work for it. Let them prove to you they want you and are serious this time around. Who knows after doing NC for awhile you might not even want them back. That would be best. Truth is the topic of getting back with your ex is an entirely different animal. Different rules apply. Like I said, you might not even want them anymore. But if you do, BE VERYYYYYYY CAUTIOUS. That's all I'll say about that. Let them prove they are serious about getting back together and don’t be too eager.

Another thing I want you guys to know is that when I was going out and meeting new girls post breakup, I realized something...

THERE ARE A LOT OF REALLY COOL AND BEAUTIFUL CHICKS OUT THERE.

It’s important to grieve the breakup. I did for about two months. Take some time off from the dating world. DON'T JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP TOO FAST. BIG NO NO. Then start your path to recovery and be serious about it. Don't half-**** it. But man I can't tell you how much going out and meeting new women helped me heal when I felt ready to get back out there. I'm not saying go out and try having sex with every new prospect you meet. But just go out and socialize. One thing I needed to do was approach more women so I did. It definitely helped with my confidence. Go do some harmless flirting. All this will help with getting your confidence back. Set a goal for yourself. Start a conversation with three random people a day. Even if it’s a short small conversation. Then work your way up. Point is CHALLENGE yourself. Baby steps. My confidence was at an all time low after the breakup but by doing this it started getting back up there and eventually got to an all time high. If you get the chance to be intimate, it's your call. You'll realize there are definitely some great people out there. YOUR EX ISN'T THE ONLY ONE. After a breakup we tend to think our ex is the best person in the world and nobody can ever replace them. HAHA I thought that too, but you'll see what I mean when you give it a try. I'll say it again. YOUR EX ISN'T THE ONLY AMAZING AND COMPATIBLE PERSON OUT THERE FOR YOU. I PROMISE.

After my breakup I lived it up. I started doing all sorts of things I never did before and things I stopped doing while in the relationship. I said screw it. I know my ex is enjoying life, so I will too. By staying busy as much as I can it helped me recover so much faster.

**STAY BUSY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU'RE HURTING FROM A BREAKUP. AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. THIS IS A HUGE HELP WHEN HEALING A BROKEN HEART**

Down time = thinking of ex. We want as little of that as possible, alrighty? Just do things! Anything! Anything that will keep yourself from thinking about the ex.

Someone would text me saying “Hey man we’re gonna go to ______ tonight, you wanna come?” I said YES to everything I got invited to just to stay busy and it really did help a lot. YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME! I’m telling you, breakups a lot of times are really blessings in disguise. Make the most of this. Keep growing. I started going to the gym and lifting like crazy. It's awesome I feel great and people are noticing. I also started reading self-help books (Codependent No More- by Melody Beattie/ probably my favorite; amazing book because I had codependency issues). They're awesome. Started playing basketball again. Started playing poker again. Going out way more. Meeting tons of new people. Doing the things I love. It's an amazing feeling people. I just want you all to feel like this.

BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. THE PAIN, THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. ONE DAY YOU'RE GREAT! NEXT DAY YOU'RE STARING AT YOUR PHONE PRAYING TO GET A TEXT OR CALL FROM YOUR EX. IT WAS THE TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH TO THIS DAY. BUT IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD I PROMISE YOU THIS. IF I CAN DO IT YOU DEFINITELY CAN TOO.

For those of you sticking to NC keep it up. Trust me when I say this, YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING. This is what has to be done to move past the breakup. Do it to heal and improve yourself. Grow from it. As much as this heartbreak hurt (and believe me it was the most pain I've ever gone through)... I'm so thankful for it and actually glad it happened. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for that heartbreak. It was a reality check for me and put my life into perspective for me. THAT was something I needed. Not only will I be a better boyfriend in the future, most importantly I’ll be a better person moving forward. I learned so much about people as well as relationships. Most importantly I learned about myself and the things I needed to change.

I really hope you guys learned something from this. I just wanted to give back to this amazing forum that helped me so much at the beginning of my heartbreak. I was exactly where most of you are right now. Trust me it gets better, when YOU want it to be better. You decide when things get better. Only you.

It doesn’t matter what your situation is or what problems you have to deal with everyday, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know for most of you it doesn't seem like there is right now cause you’re completely heartbroken, but trust me it's there. Don't give up.

LAST THING!

If none of you have seen the movie "Swingers" I highly suggest you do. It's an amazing breakup movie. Go check it out NOW. You'll thank me later.

👍