“I feel most colored when I am thrown against a sharp white background” – Zora Neale Hurston

As a Chinese adopted girl living with a white family I feel as though that white background is

inescapable.

You want to be able to go home and see a face that looks like yours and know that you’re not alone.

You want to leave your almost all white school and find some comfort in a culture you can call your own

but you can’t because that has been white washed too.

You want to fit in with the other Asian American girls in school but you can’t because you’re not ‘Asian’

to them. Your inability to speak your native tongue and lack of knowledge of the ‘true Asian culture’

spreads the whiteness across your face.

You want to fit in with the Asian exchange students in college but you can’t because again you’re

reminded that you don’t speak the language and that being raised white makes you white no matter

how slanted your eyes are, no matter how many times you got called ching chong, have been bowed to,

or asked ‘do you eat dogs?’

You want to find comfort in your peers who have also been discriminated against but you can’t because

they see you as a privileged model minority and the epitome to female beauty one degree closer to

whiteness than they will ever be. So you back away quietly and let them have their moment because

they deserve it more than you, right? This is all a competition right?

So then you realize even when you’re against a yellow background you’re colored.

When you’re against any background you’re colored.

You realize that all of those Chinese school lessons will never make you ‘Chinese.’

And all of the being ‘raised white’ will never make you white.

You realize that those Asian American adopted girls from your play group that your mother set up when

you were one are the most important friendships you will ever have.

You’ll realize that even your own home is filled with its own subtle racism but it is still your home.

You realize that your story will always have a multiple loose ends no matter how neat you want to end

it.

And then you’ll realize maybe that white background isn’t so bad after all.