E1 recap!





14 singles are stranded on a desert island and aren't allowed to fuck for four weeks. That's literally it.

If you didn't want people to fuck you should've copied Love is Blind and made them get married on the first day.

This week we are promised some 'rebellious duos' so I guess we might get imminent fucking but who knows!

It's like really ineffective porn!

We get a quick recap of the previous night and find out that Francesca actually cried when she found out about the Hump Halt.





She then goes on to compare the situation to LOSING HER MOTHER.

I have so many questions about her mum.

Apparently no one did any sex stuff last night so the prize money is safe for now.





That might all be under threat though as Harry declares himself a 'rule-breaker' and Francesca a 'naughty little possum'.

SHOW ME SOMETHING MORE SEXY, I DARE YOU

We're reminded of the rules again, in case 'They can't have sex' has escaped you thus far, then everybody goes about their day.

Is this a weird angle or does Manbun have exceptionally small legs?

In the bathroom, Harry whispers those words that every girl wants to hear.

Is that from Romeo and Juliet or Midsummer?

Outside, David, Sharron, and Chloe try to work out exactly how much money each sex act would cost them.





David reckons full-on sex would cost them $10k.

Reckon David's overpricing himself there a bit tbh

He's also decided that, while he initially liked Rhonda, he now likes Chloe because of the 'witty-goofy banter' they have.

His change of heart has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Rhonda lives inside Sharron's mouth now.

Elsewhere, Kelz and Manbun have a chat. Kelz has gone full domestic informer, claiming that he'll escort people to the toilet if it means they don't jeopardise the money. Manbun piously pledges to keep his knob in his kaftan, saying: 'A group should outweigh your personal needs every single time.'

Then, on behalf of the group known as 'people', can I please inform you that manbuns are cancelled. Which is also my personal need so that works out well.

Meanwhile, Rhonda and Sharron discuss how they want to have sex but they can't have sex because the show said they can't have sex even though they want to.

Sharron says he reckons 'memories' are worth more than all the prize money combined.

He means 'mammaries'.

We then find out that, like every good organised retreat, this one has an itinerary!





Apparently, the contestants' upcoming schedule involves dates...

Good for clearing out the digestive system!

...workshops...

Fingers crossed for spoon carving!

...and a secret mission to assassinate a renegade Army Special Forces officer who is presumed insane and has gone rogue in the depths of the Cambodian jungle.

Wait... what?

Grenades??

Fucking hell!

Apparently, after the jungle war, some new people are going to turn up and there'll also be a private suite where the couples can continue not having sex or, indeed, having sex.

Those walls look as thin as this TV show's concept!

Outside, it's Harry and Francesca's turn to have a chat. Harry, like every normal teenage boy, is desperately trying to convince Francesca to let him just put it in for a bit.

"-and -and, like, blow jobs are, like, *super* important for mental wellbeing."

For reasons I cannot explain nor comprehend, 'giant manbaby' appears to be Francesca's type. The pair waste no time in KISSING WITH TONGUES AND EVERYTHING.

It's so hard to follow the rules of this show but I don't think this is allowed?

Francesca immediately goes to tell Hayley. The pair discuss how angry everyone else is going to be when they find out.





"Not much good has came from this," declares Francesca, sagely.

Grammarly keeps trying to correct me but it's what she said.

Harry goes to find the boys, too. "Francesca can't keep her mouth shut," he says, romantically. He decides he better tell the others before she gets all the attention - oops I mean, in the interests of honesty.





The boys are not happy. "She kissed me!" backtracks Harry, who is a little bitch.

The perfect example of 'children should be seen and not heard'.

Amazon aLana gathers everyone to tell them there's been a breach of the rules.





Francesca and Harry's kiss has cost the group $3000.

Francesca and Harry are those people who order loads of really expensive stuff at dinner then ask to split the bill.

The boys tell Francesca that Harry said she kissed him. She puts them straight and also tells them that Harry wanted to have sex as well.





"That didn't happen," says Harry.

He... does know this is being filmed, right?

Somehow, the group all turn on Francesca because that's how the patriarchy works.

We can't be surprised that a dense, horny, overgrown schoolboy managed to win over the crowd when that's exactly how we got our current prime minister.

Everyone disperses and Hayley goes to console Francesca in the Mirrors and Home-Printed Wall Decals room.





It becomes apparent that Hayley might like Francesca, too.

"Omg Hayley, like, why are you so obsessed with me? I can't invite you to the all-girls pool party because I think you might be a *lesbian*."

Uh oh, it's nighttime. You know what that means??

Fyaaaahhhh!

A mysterious table full of chocolate-coated strawberries has appeared near the fyah.





It's a date for Chloe and David!





David says it'll be nice to actually get to know Chloe because, in the real world, you always meet someone and just go straight to sex.

Omg David I know what you mean. Every time. It's actually starting to get really awkward, socially.

The date is intended to help Chloe and David form a real connection, instead of just a physical one. It sets them up with everything they need to spend a romantic evening together.

Like a group of people sat nearby, watching.

Chloe and David enjoy some inane chatter, blissfully unaware that a CREATURE OF THE NIGHT IS STALKING THEM IN THE BACKGROUND.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?





I can only guess that this must be a trap. Lana has lured the luckless lovers with irresistible treats and has now let loose some... kind of... monkey?

A large rat?

I keep my eyes excitedly peeled but, sadly, the creature does not return and David and Chloe make it out of their date unscathed. *sigh*.

Pounce, creature! Now's your chance! Devour them! ...ugh fine, maybe next time.

Wondering why she got involved in this shitshow, Lana sits pensively by the dying fire.

Fyaahhhhhhh......

Hayley and Francesca are in the Dressing Room of Culturally-Appropriative Mandalas, talking about Harry. Francesca says that, deep down in the inside of her black heart (I don't fuckin'- whatever), she still cares about him. Francesca, no.

It's like watching a member of the British public clap for Boris Johnson.

Meanwhile, Harry and Rhonda are in the bedroom talking about Francesca at the same time. Harry calls Francesca manipulative and toxic.





Francesca walks in on them (for some reason) and overhears. Now she's mad! Yay!





"He is an asshole and I don't want anything to do with him and everyone in this house can suck it!" she says, storming back to Hayley in the Room of Epilepsy-Inducing Murals.

I mean, technically they can't suck anything, but yeah.

In revenge, the girls decide to sabotage the whole process and their fellow contestants by FULLY MAKING OUT!

It's so annoying when the pots you ordered off Amazon aren't as tall as you thought they'd be.

And that's the end! Join me for the next episode when we hopefully catch another glimpse of the Night Creature of Retreatville!

If it's just a cat I'm going to sue.



























