So I know I promised the next post would be about philosophy, but the logic nerds will have to wait a few more days. If you are a skeptic, then this post will probably not interest you (though I may be wrong).

So after years of bitterness, I can finally (and honestly) say that I love Christians. Do I always love what they do? No. Am I anywhere near perfect in my patience and compassion? Nope. On the contrary, when I start thinking about my past experiences in detail, I still get a little angry. But unlike my attitude from 5 to 7 years ago, Christians themselves no longer anger me (at least not very often). They generally encourage me. I actually enjoy spending time with my brothers and sisters in Christ. So what changed?

One quick note: this is not a “quick guide to overcoming bitterness”. These realizations took me years, and the corresponding ability to put my frustration aside took just as long. I’m not saying that this process is easy or quick; I’m just discussing what the process looked like in my life.

I eventually realized that my view of the church had become wildly inaccurate.

Anger and Pain can distort a person’s view of reality. For me, my anger toward some Christians overshadowed my response to every believer in my life. But contrary to how I felt at the time, Christians are not all hateful people. Many are very loving and compassionate, and very many do care deeply about their faith. When you get past first impressions and actually build relationships with these people, you will find many of them to be incredibly warm and gentle.It was hurt and bitterness that blinded me to these qualities for far longer than I should have been.

I realized that my anger kept me from seeing their needs.

For much of my life, I have felt like I was the only struggling person in church. Everyone else had it together. They said the right things, acted the right way, and were sure to let you know when you WEREN’T acting the right way. But I have come to see that many of these “perfect” Christians are struggling with the same things we are. They are struggling with anger and bitterness toward those who have hurt them; they are struggling with sexual sin; they are struggling in their marriages; they are trying to lead their families toward Christ; they have doubts about their faith; and just like you, they often don’t feel that they can be honest about their struggles. When we allow ourselves to remain angry with these brothers and sisters, we are unable to see their needs. Yes, those “perfect” Christians need love and compassion from us just as deeply as we need love and compassion from them.

I gained some much needed self-knowledge.

I might have continued in this frustration indefinitely if I did not have a close friend who was much like me. This friend (let’s call him Bob) was going through very similar struggles to my own. He had gotten sick of hypocrisy in the church, and he had been deeply hurt. I knew his family rather well, and I knew some of the people that he was angry with. These were people who unquestionably loved Bob and loved God, even though they had made some mistakes in handling a few situations. But Bob couldn’t see that they were good people at all; he saw only his hurt. One day he blurted out, “I hate Christians! They hurt so many people!” He was right that Christians hurt people, and I definitely saw myself in his anger. But on this occasion I also saw the error in both of our responses; Neither Bob nor I were giving other Christians the love and understanding that we demanded from them. These believers who we “hated” needed our patience just as much as we needed theirs. Christ died for their struggles as much as he died for ours. They needed brothers that they can open up to, sisters they can share their struggles with, and a family through whom they can grow in Christ. But rather than meet their needs; Bob and I were filled with our own sickening self-righteousness, angrily pointing our fingers at all the “hypocrites.” In doing so, we were refusing to show them the love that Christ showed us. We were what we were denouncing; we were the hypocrites.

So why do I love hypocritical Christians? Because I am one. And just as Christ loves us in our worst moments, we also ought to love one another. We must build relationships with imperfect people, because we are all imperfect people. And we certainly can’t wait for people to drop their self-righteous “façade” before we start loving them; rather we must break through the façade by loving them. Only by loving hypocrites can we become less hypocritical.

Now if you have been very recently hurt, my comments may feel like just another condemnation – yet another person telling you that YOU are the problem. If this has been your impression, then you have misunderstood the thrust of this essay. My main point is not that we ought to wake up to our wickedness; my point is that we should strive to see the needs of those who we would condemn. And let’s be honest; they are often far more like us than we would like to admit.

-Travis Pelletier