After a questionable encounter with police, Cole Jones, an African-American man, was taken into custody this week on two counts of resisting murder by police.

“The suspect seemed nervous, like he was hiding something,” explains Deputy Mark McCannon. “At which point he began raising his hands strangely, menacingly raising them in front of his face in self-defense.”

“His behavior grew even more erratic when we pulled our weapons on him,” McCannon adds. “He started waving his hands and yelling, ‘Don’t shoot me!’ And that’s when we realized he was truly capable of anything.”

“All I was trying to do was not get murdered,” Jones says of his arrest.

Jones is reportedly beloved by his community, a family man and leader who has a clean record, very rarely blinks, and moves very, very slowly.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Jones was not complying with officer’s commands,” said Police Chief Craig Cone in a press conference today. “If he had just stood there calmly and allowed the officers to use lethal force against him, none of this would have happened.”

Additionally, Jones may still be charged with blocking the sidewalk and “looking like a bad dude.”

“He continued to resist as we were simply trying to murder him,” says Deputy Cathy Hawkes. “Resisting murder is a serious crime, and frankly, we couldn’t come up with any other reason to book him, so here we are.”

Hawkes added: “We’re simply trying to do our jobs.”

Jones’ family made a statement, but since Jones didn’t die, the family wasn’t crying, so we won’t bother showing you what they said.

“We simply urge all citizens to follow police orders,” says Deputy McCannon. “Our streets are not safe with these men running around trying not to be killed.”