Legitimate polling center Gallup recently trumpeted new data proving that Americans drink more heavily now than we have in a quarter century. Sixty-seven percent imbibe, which isn't our record high (see: the 1970s) but possibly a sign of the economic times. Here's the surprise: contrary to stereotypes, the less fortunate are sober and the more privileged are hammered. The more you earn, the more you drink. (This explains New England.)

The Gallup data seems to verify a controversial 2005 study that found drinkers take home bigger paychecks — 10 to 14 percent on average — due to the increased "social capital" from "networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries." However, addiction psychologist Stanton Peele has a different theory: "Poorer and less educated people are more afraid of alcohol because they are more susceptible to public health and educational messages."

So does this mean 100 percent of millionaires drink? We've got a call in to Gallup for more specific data after that $75,000 mark, but while liver cirrhosis is no fun, even if you have a fortune, neither is rheumatoid arthritis. Pick your poison.

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