Laura Bush, docile doormat / Behold, the ideal Republican wife: Prim, sexless, nearly useless, lets the men do the real thinkin'. Hot!

I fondly recall, just before the tragic Bush/Kerry presidential election, an impassioned discussion I had with a family friend, a conservative Catholic mother of four and grandmother of six, headstrong, outspoken, hilarious, a real no-BS matriarch of her big crazy messy family and clearly the wearer of the pants in her marriage and a woman whom I always liked for her wit and her outsized personality, despite her unfortunate choice of religious and political affiliation, a woman who, it turned out in our discussion, absolutely hated — hated — John Kerry's wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.

Remember her? Controversial. Fiery. A little weird, prickly, unpredictable. Also: headstrong and outspoken and didn't take any crap from any men, no matter how powerful.

Heinz is also rather amazing, in terms of sheer accomplishment and self-made acumen: world traveled, highly educated, spoke multiple languages (she was an interpreter for the United Nations, early on), took over the philanthropic arm of the Heinz empire when her husband died unexpectedly, almost ran for senate, raised her enormously accomplished, well-adjusted sons to adulthood by herself, and so on. I thought she was great.

And my friend hated her. And why? Well, ironically enough, for most of the reasons I list above. Apparently, Heinz had too much personality. She was too strong, too in your face, too fearless and outspoken, something was "just not right about that woman." All this, of course, made Heinz into "a total bitch."

(And yes, this completely echoes the right's hatred of Hillary Clinton during the Bill Clinton years and up through today, because she dared to be the opposite of meek and quiet, dared to try and actually do something progressive and radical as first lady. Yes, she botched it badly, overshot her abilities and overestimated her powers to revolutionize health care. But the real problem was how badly she underestimated the violent, inbred misogyny and anti-feminism of the old-boys network in Washington).

I was equal parts appalled and amused. And not only because my brash, blunt friend and Heinz obviously had far more in common, personality- and attitude- wise, than she cared to acknowledge. No, I was stunned because my friend far preferred, as the perfect counter to Heinz, as a role model and a woman and the ideal presidential wife, one tepid, timid, thoroughly useless Laura Bush.

Wait, what? You mean docile, prudish, former librarian Laura Bush, she of the nonexistent inspiration and dull-as-dishwater personality? Yes indeed, that Laura Bush. Here was my friend, brash and funny and who spoke her mind without the slightest reservation, and who could drink and think and opine with the strongest of men, and yet she admired this ... limp wallflower? I didn't get it. I still don't completely get it, to this very day.

All of this comes to mind as I see, skirting across the newswires, a handful of generic photos and sidebar stories of Laura Bush out on tour recently with her twin Styrofoam peanut daughters, Jenna and Barbara, promoting a new children's book they all apparently, and yeah right, wrote together and isn't that sweet.

There is Laura, looking exactly as she has looked for the past eight insufferable years. Prim, a bit glassy, reserved, her hair some sort of ironclad helmet of awkward architecture, the very epitome of nice, meek, domestic Republican female, not making the slightest wave and hoping no one really notices because, well, she's just a woman.

In fact, I challenge anyone reading this column right now to name one thing this woman has said or done in the past seven-plus years that shows her using her position as first lady to make any real difference. A single issue. A single notable appearance. A single daring, interesting, engaging ... anything.

Did you say, somewhat meekly, "children's literacy?" Ah, yes. Right you are, Laura has indeed taken on that wild 'n' wooly issue, fought valiantly to ensure lots of white children have enough access to "James and the Giant Peach." It's a hugely divisive, hot-button topic that's tearing the nation apart and really needs someone of her position and influence to step in and ... Oh, never mind.

Children's literacy. Yes. I believe that ranks No. 291 on the list of the Top 300 controversial issues facing the nation today, right behind overpriced lip balm but just ahead of the demise of "Cathy" cartoons in major American newspapers. Good choice.

I know. It's not exactly against the law to be docile and quiet. It's not exactly a crime to simply want to be a good mother and housewife (noble and under-respected callings, both), to not seek the spotlight and not hunger for power and influence. And besides, meek, shy girls who want nothing more than to marry the male equivalent of a tub of spackling paste at age 22 and never think for themselves and never inspire anyone to do anything need role models, too. Right?

Sure, eight years in one of the most high-profile positions in the world, a simply staggering opportunity to make use of that power and that "office" to take on at least one serious, needful issue (or 10), and you do not a single thing of interest or inspiration with it? You essentially get handed the keys to the kingdom and all you want to do is knit a nice key cozy for them? Fine.

But then again, no. For in choosing to be and do almost nothing at all for all these years, Laura has also come to epitomize the compliant, unobtrusive woman, the worst kind of example for modern young women today. This is, of course, why conservative Republicans and fundie Christians love her. They call her "classy." What they mean is: She knows her place, keeps her mouth shut, possesses exactly zero sexuality, speaks only when spoken to, lets the men do the "real" work, stays so far off in the background she might as well be wallpaper.

Here's the bottom line: I think Laura Bush has been bad for America. Not nearly as toxic as her husband, but bad enough.

Indeed, Teresa Heinz Kerry may've been weird and worldly, Hillary might be polarizing and opinionated and overly masculine, Barack Obama's wife, Michelle, appears to be outspoken and sarcastic and smart as hell. But oh my God, give me one of them any day over the docile doormat first lady. Hasn't the expiration date for that dangerous feminine cliche long since passed?

Mark Morford's latest book is 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism'. Join Mark on Facebook and Twitter, or email him. His website is markmorford.com. For his yoga classes, workshops and retreats, click markmorfordyoga.com.

Mark's column appears every Wednesday on SFGate, and is frequently cross-posted to Huffington Post. To join the notification list for this column, click here and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal mailing list, click here and remove three more.

This column also has an RSS feed and a very handy archive page.