The following is a transcript of a recent company demotion ceremony that took place at Fort Hood, Texas.

ADJUTANT: Attention to Orders!

The Battalion Commander has expressed disappointment in the lack of standards and the unsatisfactory behavior of JAMES WINDERS.

In view of these deficiencies and having received non-judicial punishment under Article 15, UCMJ, he is, therefore, reduced from Specialist to Private First Class. Reduction is effective 13 April 2018 with a new date of rank of 13 April 2018.

Signed, Lt. Col. Charles Golden, Commanding.

Stand at ease!

Pvt. Winders, the floor is yours.

WINDERS: All right. Settle down. I know I’m holding up the XO’s weekly spiel about the merits of earning a 30 day safety streamer, so I won’t make this too long. You guys know I earned this, but I couldn’t have done it alone.

First I’d like to thank the BC for his inspirational leadership. Nothing quite says caring for soldiers like cutting our block leave two days shorter than the rest of the brigade so we could “rehearse” for the CG change-of-command last fall. Sir, I know you are already on the golf course by now and won’t hear this, but you fire me up.

To my fellow deuces, thanks for always having my back. I’d go to hell and back with each and every one of you and I know you’d do the same for me, which is why I know I can count on one of you guys to hook me up this weekend while I’m stuck here.

To my battle buddy Garrett, the way you bribed the medics to create a fake positive STD report for the first sergeant’s daughter and then sent it to him right before formation… that shit was hilarious. You are a fucking legend. I can only hope to carry on the legacy if you get picked up and go join the dark side.

To the rest of my crew, Sanders, Coop, and Walker, you guys fucking rule, even if one of you accidentally sent that snap of me to the CO’s mom that got us where we are today. Totally worth it to end up on Army WTF moments.

To first and third platoon – you guys are bitches.

Eckert man, please let your mom know that I won’t be making it to dinner tonight. I know she’ll be crushed, so make sure to remind her that she looks great for an older lady.

To LT, thanks. When Sergeant Major asked if you had anything to say in my defense, and you said that I was getting better about not watching porn on the government computers, that was really touching.

All in all, I couldn’t have done it without the support of this entire company. I love you all, but especially Eckert’s mom. Have a great fucking weekend Bravo.