Welcome to the Pokemon Report. We want to be the very best weekly Pokemon feature. Like no weekly Pokemon feature ever was.Your host, Jack, is going to knock you out. So who else is excited about the Platinum announcement? No, not the game, I'm talking about the Platinum expansion pack for the Pokemon Trading Card Game. It's going to feature Shaymin as one of the cards. Finally, right?! My deck has been sorely lacking a shrubbery hedgehog.

But on to more important stuff. See, I hate reading. It's for pretentious jerks that think they're better than everyone. In fact, I don't even like writing. I use speak and spell software to dictate my articles to the computer. It takes six hours for a review but it's totally worth it.The one exception to my hatred of reading is when I'm searching the internet for the latest and greatest Pokemon fanfictions. Nobody writes about the Pokemon universe better than 12-year-old girls.Now being a critic by profession, I can't help but feel the need to review everything I experience (I gave your mom a 7.9 last night). Since the review system for Fanfiction.net cannot hold the power and magnitude of my words, I'll be sharing my opinion of some of the best pieces of alternative fiction ever to grace the internet.Brace yourselves, these stories will change your world.

I warned him to stay away from me, I told him there was nothing he could do to save me from my inevitable demise, but everyone knows that trying to persuade that stubborn idiot to stay down was almost like trying to wake a Snorlax up without food or the Pokeflute.

Picture+this,+but+with+a+lot+more+rain.

He stared at me for a while and began looking at himself. He seemed very shocked to see gray little hands.



"HOLLY CRAP!"

"Every 2000 years a human being is chosen to be sacrificed to maintain the balance between Light and Darkness. The one chosen on would be killed by the invincible Pokemon, Darkrai. Dawn was chosen."Normally I wouldn't review a story that only has the preface up, but I was so struck with the conviction and emotion presented in just this opening that I couldn't help myself. The preface is only 3,000 words, yet it stretches for eternity, almost like the aspiring author timoteyo7 is the very reincarnation of Nathaniel Hawthorne.Within just the preface of the story so many events occur that it is hard to imagine how the following chapters could ever top the level of epic storytelling. Before the story even officially starts we encounter Dawn dealing with the prospect of being a human sacrifice, her untold feelings of love for Ash, and how much she hates herself, and May. But that's not even close to all. We also learn that Ash gets May pregnant, and that both of them, and their unborn child die while trying to protect Dawn. We're not at Chapter 1 and the author has created and destroyed life, in addition to alluding to sex between minors.It rains a lot in this story. Cause rain means you're sad. It's a metaphor, people.Best yet is how the author manages to seamlessly work in Pokemon references, that don't come off as forced and ridiculous at all, as showcased by this line about the recently deceased Ash.I don't know about you but I can't wait to read more and see whether Dawn dies, and if she'll ever get closure about Ash's death. This is gripping.I give this story:"When Griffin and Cody are murdered and find themselfs as ghost pokemon. they have some unfinished bussinus."I prefer all of my Pokemon buddy comedies to start with the murder of two young children. And now they're ghost Pokemon and they have to fight a council of ghost Pokemon to stop an evil curse that makes people die or something. Plus there's a boy with a magic amulet.And while this story starts off with a quest to find out who murdered them, the author quickly changes paths. Who needed to know why the boys were murdered and by whom, right? It was probably their mom, anyway. The best part is that halfway through the story they turn into the same Pokemon, so the author gets to reuse all his jokes from the first chapters!But the real treat of the story is the dialogue. The author takes a bold move in nearly completely ignoring periods, and instead makes nearly every sentence a separate paragraph. The dialogue is a series of exclamations, that do well to capture the terror and excitement of finding out you're dead and are now a ghost Pokemon. If they're not yelling something they're asking a question, making every conversation read like a call-and-response cheerleader routine. And at one point a random Irish guy shows up to say stuff in a funny accent.It's fun for all ages!I give this story:

Is she fire hot or magma hot?" Ember asked. I smacked the back of her head with my tail and she stumbled, rubbing the spot I hit. "She's ugly, isnt she?" she said abruptly. Those words stopped me cold. I very slowly turned towards the Charmander, who seemed to realize she hit a nerve. She actually looked worried. "Uh...sorry?" she said hopefully. I took a deep breath, trying to relax, without great success.



"Say that again about my mate, and I will Hyper Beam your face. That's a promise," I said with absolute seriousness.

"A sarcastic Dragonair soon learns that all that he thought may not be as simple as it appears. The battle between good and evil affects us all in ways we cannot imagine."Trying to figure out how the flip this thing has a mate? Me too. I always enjoy a good fanfic that is about the Pokemon themselves. And what better main character than a Dragonair, a Pokemon that is basically a giant girly snake. But this Dragonair doesn't take no flak from nobody. And together with a sassy female Charmander, and a Pichu that speaks in pidgin ("Me sparkin' and me want to kick mean stick. Me did and me foot hurt. Me cwying more.") they try to take down Team Rocket or something. I haven't quite finished it yet because the story is 216 chapters long. Can you even think of a book that has near that many chapters? War and Peace is shorter than this. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy takes fewer chapters to tell the story. But the story of the Dragonair that doesn't want to listen to his trainer cannot be told in anything less than the longest story known to man.Oh and did I mention it's also a romance story? Dragonair may be cold as ice, but he's got a heart of gold, and a mysterious mate that he cares very deeply for.Oh snap, son!I give this story:

I'm so inspired by these stories that I've actually started my own Pokemon fanfic. It follows the story of my original character and his quest to save his sister from an all new evil organization. It's not done yet, but I'll give you a little taste of it here.Clyde Lofton clutched his pokeball with grim determination. He stared off down the road leading from his small town that only had three houses and a Pokemon Laboratory for some reason. He knew he had to take this single Pokemon and somehow become the greatest Pokemon champion in the world."I've got to take this single Pokemon and become the greatest Pokemon champion in the world!" he said, pumping his fist into the air.He walked along the road leading from his town, whistling to himself. Suddenly just then he caught the gaze of a young boy holding a bug net. The world flashed light and dark, then everything seemed to swirl away as the boy started a Pokemon duel with a taunting challenge that sent chills down Clyde's spine."I'll go anywhere if Bug Pokemon appear there."Clyde took out this Pokeball and threw it down, releasing his Chimchar. He nodded to his Pokemon and spoke to it because he is psychic and can talk to Pokemon since he was a little boy."Okay Chimchar we've got to beat this guy so I can be the best trainer in the world!" He clenched his fist and grit his teeth, "And to save my sister." His sister got kidnapped by the evil team Team Astro, a new evil team that is more evil than Team Rocket.Clyde snapped back to reality, ready to begin the battle!BUG CATCHER KRIS would like to battle!BUG CATCHER KRIS sent out BURMY!Go! CHIMCHAR!What will CHIMCHAR do?Clyde thought hard. He couldn't lose this battle, his journey had only just begun! He knew what must be done.CHIMCHAR used EMBER!Small flames surrounded the small bug Pokemon, making it flash a couple times.It's super effective!"Wow that was super effective," thought Clyde aloud.Foe BURMY used STRING SHOT!CHIMCHAR's speed fell!Clyde was not deterred. His Chimchar might be slightly slower but his heart still burned with a passion to win! Clyde encouraged his Chimchar, talking to him because he's psychic and can talk to Pokemon.CHIMCHAR used EMBER!It's super effective!Foe BURMY fainted!CHIMCHAR gained 23 EXP. Points!Clyde defeated Bug Catcher Kris! He cheered excitedly while the bug catcher boy sulked."I see. So you battle that way."Clyde took the little boy's money and sneered, then continued on down the road. With this 12 dollars he'll be able to maybe buy a potion, and then he'll keep going and save his sister from Team Astro and find a girlfriend and become the best trainer ever!

It's still a work in progress, but I'm pretty sure it's shaping up to be the greatest fanfiction ever written. And if you don't agree I will Hyper Beam your face. That's a promise.Stay tuned for next week when Harry Potter shows up to do a crossover chapter! There might even be some slash.