Rhode Island has been lying to you, and I’ve had enough. This is the end of the road for a falsehood that has been allowed to stand for far too long. Because the smallest state in our union has been telling a huge lie.

No more hiding behind labels and the ignorance of the common man. This is where the truth train rumbles through the various kitchens of dozens of innocent-seeming, allegedly quaint Rhode Island restaurants and demands honesty from a state that has withheld it from people for too long.

I’m here to tell you that Rhode Island clam chowder isn’t actually clam chowder. It’s all a lie, it’s always been a lie, and because the Chowder Police won’t bring these small-state liars to justice, I’m going to do it instead.

All my life, when ranking chowders, the decision has been easy. New England, which is the one true king of chowders, is first. Manhattan style, which is perfectly serviceable and also I don’t want to get in a fight about this so just go with it it’s fine, is second. The mythical, niche, “Rhode Island” style clam chowder was always last mostly because I’d never tried it but also because once you have two reasonably fine chowders that can fulfill opposing preferences when it comes to chowder flavoring, why do you need a third wheel messing up the rankings?

Sorry, Rhode Island clam chowder. You’re in last.

However, it turns out banishing the most obscure kind of chowder to the bottom of the list didn’t really matter because it’s not chowder. It’s time for this dark secret to see the light of day: Rhode Island has been lying about its chowder offering for what I can only assume has been centuries now.

Chowder is one of the two major “thick soup” categories (soup so thicc), the other one being a bisque. Both delicious, and the difference between them is that a bisque is normally the smoother of the two while chowder is traditionally chunkier. They both generally involve seafood in some manner but other than that ingredient, there aren’t any major restrictions between classifying a bisque from a chowder.

Now, the difference between something being a delicious, creamy, thick chowder and just “ugh, soup, fine” is a thickening agent. Flour. A flour substitute. Anything that thickens the soup, and therefore makes the soup thick. This isn’t too difficult a distinction, thankfully, because it’s very easy to weed out chowder imposters by simply taking a glance at their core ingredients and seeing if flour is included or not.

This is where exposing Rhode Island’s chicanery comes in. Because in not one of the recipes I hunted down for Rhode Island clam chowder was there a thickening agent like flour.

If you google “Rhode Island Clam Chowder recipe” and look at the entire first page of results, there is not a single one that has a thickening agent in it. Not a single one. Go take a break from reading this highly professional and very important article if you want to fact check me.

Here’s one from The Food Network. Which has “food” right in it’s name, so it is pretty trustworthy.

I don’t see any thickening agents in there, do you? Here’s another, from the Grey Lady herself. The Paper of Record. The New York Times. No thickening agents.

You can check recipes from New England Today, the more democratic All Recipes, Served from Scratch, The Perfect Pantry, and Serious Eats. I don’t see any flour there, do you? DO YOU?

For good measure, let’s check with one person who should never be second guessed. Who is always correct, and cannot be argued with when it comes to the ingredients. A person who has gotten into not one but two pie-related fights in recent years. Martha Stewart.

No thickening agents. Not a one.

This isn’t real chowder. It’s soup that rebranded itself to be more hip and cool in 1817 so younger fishermen would stop buying the real chowder and increase soup sales. Some 19th century Don Draper living in Providence figured out that this was an amazing advertising trick and ran with it.

I’m invoking Chowdah Law.

End this charade. Stop lying to the world. Rhode Island clam chowder must be exposed for what it truly is: soup. Maybe a stew if you throw in extra potatoes and I’m feeling generous. But it’s soup. Thank you for your time.