I haven’t posted in a while, in large part because my feelings of dysphoria have subsided a lot lately. I think my feelings about my own gender have always tended to fluctuate between neutral/agender and male. I can’t remember ever actually feeling like a woman (and definitely have never liked to have anything visibly female about my body), but for long periods of time I seem to feel pretty neutral about things like what gender people see me as, which pronouns they use for me, and how important it feels that my body align with my expectations for it. Being seen and treated as a masculine woman during those times doesn’t bother me, even if it doesn’t fit with how I think about myself. When I first began officially questioning my gender I was knocked into the longest, most intense period of dysphoria I’ve ever experienced, but in the past week or so it’s died down so significantly I’m nearly my old self again.

Now, all that said, would I still kinda sorta prefer to be a dude? Sure. Do I still kinda sorta dislike my hips? Yeah. Am I still binding my breasts? Definitely- every day. Does passing as male still feel urgent and important? No, not really.

And yet, there’s clearly still something lurking there, beneath the surface. I can read 10 posts in a row on the ftm subreddit and feel nothing, and then the eleventh will talk about the changes some guy’s had so far on T and I’ll burn with jealousy and have this sinking feeling that my chance to change that way may never come. But, who really knows? Perhaps this jealousy towards FTMs will pass as well, the way some of the other stuff has passed. Or maybe not. It’s a time-will-tell sort of thing, I guess. Hopefully time will tell me something clearer than the jumble of conflicting thoughts and feelings I’ve already experienced.