For Immediate Release

Trump Tower, NY – The Donald J. Trump for President Campaign announced a new policy plank today in response to the mean, unfair, and dumb media’s reporting on questions regarding Obama’s birthplace. To ensure that there is never again confusion over an American’s birthplace after Trump is elected, President Trump will personally witness every single American birth during his time in office.

It’s of the utmost importance that questions of birth never distract the nation from the work of greatening itself again. It’s not relevant who did or didn’t promote these theories for years. We need to together strive for a future where Mr. Trump can personally say that he saw every American baby come into the world.

Through a system of hospital visits and tastefully shot cellphone videos by licensed doctors and nurses, Donald Trump will, with his own two healthy and spectacular eyes, watch all American births to verify that they are happening on US soil. All birth certificates will be stamped with an “You’re American” seal of Trump approval to verify the birth. Any certificates without this gold-leafed stamp will be considered fraudulent and the child and parents will be gently and excellently thrown over the nearest border wall.

This plan will be simple to implement. We will move as many births as possible to hospitals near Washington D.C. or near golf courses, where Mr. Trump plans to spend much of his presidential term.

And once again, while we’re on the topic, since the dumb and ugly media cannot seem to report this story correctly: Mr. Trump and all subsidiaries and shareholders of the Trump Family and Campaign have constantly and forcefully maintained that President Obama was born to a human mother. Any other statements about Mr. Trump’s opinions, whether based in crooked facts or not, are lies and said liars will be sued.

Mr. Trump cannot wait to enact this plan, and had this to say: “Birth is a beautiful and fantastic thing. I still remember perfectly when I was told about my children’s births from people who were personally there. I can’t wait to see every beautiful American baby get born into Trump’s America. Boy or girl, white or brown, Republican or traitor, I can’t wait to see their faces, screaming and crying as they take their first breath in my America.”