LOS ANGELES—Feeling a lingering sense of guilt over the sudden betrayal of all his values, Clippers forward Kawhi Leonard worried Friday that he had succumbed to the glitzy L.A. lifestyle after purchasing a flashy 2016 Subaru Forester. “I’ve only been in Hollywood a few weeks and I’m already living the high life. Look at this thing—lightly scratched blue paint job, one of those cords to plug in my iPod, and even a responsive set of power windows. What have I become?” said the two-time Finals MVP, who vowed not to let his new surroundings change him only to find himself cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway at 52 miles per hour with two whole cupholders holding fancy Evian water. “This just isn’t me. I can’t believe I let the dealer talk me into buying a car where you can fold both side mirrors. I told myself I wouldn’t let this town change me, but here I am, breathing in one of those vanilla air-fresheners and parking with the help of a backup camera. I can’t forget where I came from just because I’m sitting in faux leather seats.” At press time, Leonard called a childhood friend to ask if he “seems different” after purchasing a condo with central air-conditioning.

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