Washington D.C.—

According to close friends of Vice President Mike Pence, the VP fully expected he would be President by now.

“I remember talking to Mike right after Trump had asked him to be VP, and before Mike accepted,” explained long-time friend of the Pence’s Arnold Derkowitz, who worked with Mr. Pence in the Indiana statehouse. “And Mike was having some problems accepting because Donald Trump is such an obviously amoral, disgusting slob of a terrible human vulgarian. However, the deciding factor was that Mike thought Donald would not be able to last as president for more than three months. Mike has been supremely disappointed, to say the least, because his only reason for accepting a position in such a toxic and corrupt administration was because he honestly thought he’d have been made President by now.”

Another friend to the Pences helped the VP design his future Presidential business cards.

“Mike’s first couple ideas for a business card were a little eccentric, so I helped him refine his designs. At first, Mike wanted to go with a Biblical theme, so he sketched out this design of Adam from the book of Genesis, but I think it came across the wrong way. Mike sketched out this naked Adam figure with just a leaf over his private parts—which were rather enlarged, and for some reason you could see the outline of Adam’s penis in the leaf—and for some reason Adam was drawn with rock-hard abs and giant biceps. I personally counseled the Vice President that his design might come across the wrong way… as in it looked a little gay. Mike’s second sketch was kind of weird, too, again a reference to a Bible story. That design intended to convey a scene from the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, but again I think his sketch didn’t convey the message he was actually trying to go for. Mike told me that the idea behind it was for the business card to show the sin and debauchery of those sinful cities as a kind of Christian warning against unBiblical behavior, but the sketch just showed three ripped, tattooed dudes having butt sex with each other. I told Mike he should probably just stick to the Presidential seal on his business cards, but Mike was a little disappointed that I thought his design’s message was too risqué and obscure for the average Christian to clearly understand. He said he spent three nights staying up late to draw the bodies of the sinners as anatomically correct as he could, and that it took a lot of research. I didn’t feel comfortable asking where Mike did that research.”

Despite Mr. Pence’s patience, President Trump’s endless scandals are starting to affect him.

“I feel so bad for Pence,” explained a childhood friend of Mr. Pence, who has known the VP for over 40 years. “I can tell it’s just killing Mike on the inside. He showed me his business card months ago and was all excited about them, but every day that Pence sits in his White House office just waiting to be President makes him doubt the existence of God a little bit more. The guy was as solid a Christian as anyone could possibly be, but God is practically torturing Mike by letting Trump stay in office for so long. Mike told me the other day he thought God was being a ‘tease,’ which is the most blasphemous thing I have ever heard Mike Pence say in his entire life.”

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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