Everyone has something in their past they'd like to keep hidden. Not paying for those Cokes in the bottom of your grocery cart, an ill-advised breakdancing phase, a secret second family, etc. But whatever horrible sin you may think you've gotten away with ( we know, Li'l B; we will always know ), it's nothing compared to some of the enormous crimes the U.S. government pulled off ...

5 President Warren G. Harding's Henchmen Invented The "Cover Up A Prostitute's Death" Trope

Warren G. Harding's most presidential moment was when he said, "I am not fit for this office, and should have never been here." He punctuated that statement by selling the Department Of Interior to big oil. It's no "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall," but it's not bad for a guy who looks like he was designed to be a mid-sized statue that someone neglects to clean pigeon shit off of.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

The Teapot Dome scandal was Harding's largest public incident, but he was also guilty of bribery, extortion, blackmail, jury tampering, and probably jaywalking. The man even gambled away the White House china. But thanks to the Ohio Gang -- Harding's personal mafia -- all of that got covered up.

The Cover Up:

When Harding took office in 1921, alcohol and prostitution were illegal. Harding circumvented these laws with a little-known loophole called "not giving a fuck." Harding's crew would outright hire prostitutes for orgies at the White House. The Attorney General, Harry Daugherty, would supply them with booze that the Justice Department had confiscated.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

At one of these orgies, a prostitute slipped, hit her head, and died. The Ohio Gang shuffled Harding out of the fuckpile and washed the sex stank off of him. They destroyed the evidence, did away with the body, and paid the remaining women for a job well done. The Ohio Gang actually spent a lot of time buying silence from women. During the 1920 campaign, Carrie Fulton Phillips, one of Harding's many mistresses, threatened to leak their love letters. Harry Daugherty, not yet the Attorney General, paid her $25,000 to go live in Japan and keep quiet. They covered it up so well that those letters stayed sealed until 2009. Another mistress had his illegitimate child, which was only recently proven in 2015. Can you imagine scientists making public pleas for your DNA, so that historians could find out whether or not the president banged your grandma? That's one hell of an awkward Thanksgiving dinner discussion.