Boris tries to hide consequences of nine years of Tory rule in his pocket

There was further embarrassment for Prime Minister Boris Johnson yesterday as, when confronted with the disastrous consequences of nine years of Tory rule, he tried to hide it in his pocket and talk about something else.

“He was just panicking, I suppose,” said Simon Williams, who witnessed the event.

“The increase in homelessness, the rise of zero-hour contracts, Brexit, austerity, he was just trying to jam it all in his pockets.”

However, Mr Johnson’s embarrassment was compounded by the fact that his pockets were not nearly big enough.

“No, he had the collapse of public services poking out of one pocket and then tax cuts for the rich bulging out of his jacket pocket.

“He tried to stuff the increase in poverty into his back pocket, but he already had a picture of a child lying on a hospital floor in there so he was really struggling.”

Throughout the episode, Mr Johnson kept repeating slogans according to Williams.

“’Get Brexit done’ – ‘Stop Jeremy Corbyn’ – it was like being confronted with the consequences of nine years of Tory rule broke something inside his head and he just kept repeating weird non-sequiturs.

“Although, come to think it, that’s all he’s done since the election started anyway.”

Johnson henchman Matt Hancock has since apologised for the incident.

“I think that after five hard weeks of campaigning Boris just got a bit confused when confronted with the consequences of nine years of Tory rule.

“Naturally, what he meant to do was blame Labour.

“Like it was their fault that little sick boy didn’t have a bed.”