Guest post by MollyMoNoMo

This is Part One of Two of Molly’s story:

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Waking Up

Things like this don’t happen to good people. I’m good people.

I check all the right boxes on a daily and weekly basis. I pray, read scriptures, attend the temple and church meetings. I totally love my calling. So why or how could this happen to me? I don’t watch R-rated movies. I fold my dirty garments before putting them in the dirty laundry. I don’t set my scriptures on the floor and I’m still doing missionary work even years after being home. Okay, so to be clear, I’m not perfect. I have my vices. My Dr. Pepper addiction for instance, and I just picked up using some Biblical swear words, but only at the gym. How could this trial be mine? I was taught this was a choice and I did NOT choose this!

I’ve never had this happen before. I’ve woken up from nightmares, or crying. I’ve woken up from laughing in my sleep and every so often from an orgasm, which is a really nice way to wake up. This time it’s something I’ve only experienced once. I awoke and sat straight up in bed, breathing heavy, to stop what I was just dreaming about. I was with a friend, in her house just chatting, when all of the sudden, she leaned into me but not for a kiss. She just ran her lips across my jawline and neck. There were many problems with this because even as a dream it was not allowed. So I sat there, panting, with my first thought being, “What in the…?!” followed very closely by my second thought that was so much more revealing, “Oh no, I liked it!”

I told my husband a few days later because I couldn’t shake this dream. In fact, it was growing into an all-consuming desire within me to act on it. I told him, it was just a dream, I didn’t choose it. So how can it be haunting me? He brushed it off and told me to do the same. What he didn’t know is that these desires had always been there but wouldn’t be fully accepted for another two years.

I was taught these feelings, urges, drives, and desires were wrong. They were forbidden. Sinful. A choice second only in evil to murder! So, acknowledging any of this wasn’t an option. Even as a child, I would fantasize about girls, but I’d create an imaginary twin brother to date her, kiss her, and be intimate with her. This progressed throughout my life. I thought everyone did this. The fantasies would transfer to whoever I was crushing on. I would imagine them being with my husband, but only if I were on my death bed or something acceptable like that. I wanted the experience, but it still had to be within “hetero” boundaries for my experience to be permissible.

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally attracted to men, especially manly men with muscles and beards. My husband has both. Plus he’s my best friend! I love him. I’m in love with him! So how was this new torment happening? I’ve always had a higher sex drive than most of my friends. A trait my husband typically was grateful for. I’ve always been a snuggly, touchy, hands on kind of person with girls or guys, family and friends, but I kept everything appropriate. I don’t break rules. I don’t have doubts or questions. I “Stay in the Boat”, even if it feels like I’m drowning inside!

With this in mind, I know what to do. I re-dedicated myself spiritually. I read more, prayed continuously, attended my meetings, even the extra ones, with more zeal. I sought Divine counsel in the temple. My demons raged on.

Over the next several months I was tormented with thoughts, passions, and demons far beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. This was proving to be the hardest trial of my life and that’s saying something because life had thrown me some incredibly difficult things. These were difficulties that can sink some people, but I was proud that I had conquered mine the way that I had. I can overcome this too, right? I mean, I was once a regional scripture chase champion! I knew I was promised in 1 Cor. 10:13 that God would not suffer me to be tempted above what I was able to bear. I knew all the right answers, but not all the ‘right answers’ felt right anymore.

I was, however, consumed, weighted, and felt guilty all the time. I couldn’t stop thinking of doing things with her. I wanted to! I wanted it to be my real, female self that would seduce her like she did to me in my dream. I started talking in more detail with my husband about my appetites. He was intrigued. I asked permission. If she were alright with it, could I kiss her? He laughed and said he was fine with that, and even that he might like to watch some time. This was so trivial for him, but he had watched my demons grow and continue to haunt me. He saw the burden I was bearing and even though permission was given, he was scared I might actually act on my desires.

I was at a breaking point. I tried to find ways or opportunities to be alone with her. We got more snuggly or at least I got more touchy with her but only to a point. I felt very much like a predator and she had no idea how dangerous I was to be around. I was a monster. I would secretly hope for different events to play out like they did in my non-stop daydreams, but each time ended in disappointment. She wasn’t picking up on my cues, but she did things to intensify my battle, like outlining her lip with her fingertip. I was sure she was giving me a signal and I just needed to be brave.

I decided to just tell her about my dream. My husband advised against it. Why couldn’t I just let this go? Why did I have to talk about it at all? It was only a dream. He was nervous and scared for me. I didn’t realize he was even more scared for himself. What did all of this mean for him? For me? For us? This isn’t what good, active Mormon women do.

I was pacing the floor in my bedroom, wrestling with these issues and praying, when I stopped in my tracks. I felt calm and at peace, filled with love for just a few moments. The answer came. God loved me still! I didn’t choose this. It’s a part of who I am. How I was created. I was still loved by my Heavenly Father. This is not what I’d been taught, but I know how to receive answers and this was just how I’d gotten all the answers in my life. How could I have been given so much clarity and peace with such a controversial answer? A crack began to form in my otherwise impenetrable foundation. A shift was happening.

I did talk to my friend, and to my surprise she handled it amazingly well, but said she wasn’t interested. I was finally free from my burden! Or at least that is what I had hoped. There was nothing else that could be done, so I could let it go. Except, I couldn’t let it go, and I didn’t want to.

It turns out I enjoyed my demons. They kept me company with a burning that I’d come to know. I decided if she wasn’t willing, I could appease the torture if only I could kiss some other girl. I went hunting. Unfortunately, I did so within my circle of friends and ended up ruining one friendship and almost ruining another. I began to be more vocal about my desires to kiss a girl. Some of my more stalwart friends were utterly abhorred by my idea. Some, I learned, secretly have the same wishes. Some have kissed girls and would do it again. How could I get in on this? Who will let me?

My husband warned and cautioned me to not be so open with my intentions. He said he was worried he would lose his job due to the place we live being very conservative and religiously minded. His worries outweighed my personal desires. I wasn’t being reasonable or practical to him. I was too honest and open and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like that I didn’t follow his counsel to be quiet and safe.

In my attempts to be obedient, I started to distance myself from friends. We actually moved towns. My husband watched and stood by as I slowly slipped into a very dark place, a place I’ve ever been. I stayed there for months. I remember feeling like an observer of life, no longer a creator of my dreams. I had to get out of this state of trying to breathe in a tar pit that was about to overtake me. I needed to for my kids’ sake. My husband couldn’t rescue me. He didn’t know how. Neither did I.

I tried to release the stranglehold that my demons held, by seeking professional help, most of which was not very helpful, and some even more damaging. I made some new friends and they introduced me to their friends. I made some personal changes, all the while feeling like I was running, in slow motion, to nowhere.

I decided to make one more attempt, with a new friend, to resolve the conflict within. I had previously tested the waters of how she would respond to my attractions to women and men. I had enough experience to know I could trust her. We enjoyed being together and making each other laugh. Both of us came up with excuses to get our group together as often as possible. Plus, for some reason my arm would always end up around the back of her chair or my hand would rest on her arm or knee. My flirting was received well, from what I could tell, but I’d been wrong so many times before. Nervously, I seized an opportunity when we were at a crowded event, sitting very closely together. I leaned in and whispered a prediction. A kiss in the future. Her answer, “I think you’ve been reading my mind.”