After 18 Albanians were picked up off the Kent coast trying to enter Britain in a rubber dinghy, the Channel has been dubbed the ‘New Mediterranean’. How long before we are waking up to this . . ?

Here is the Shipping Forecast, issued by the Met Office, on behalf of Her Majesty’s Maritime and Coastguard Agency, at 00.15 hours Greenwich Mean Time on Tuesday 31st May, 2016.

There are warnings of Albanians in the English Channel. The general synopsis at one-eight-four-seven: 14 miles south of Folkestone, high probability of landings, drifting slowly West and filling, expected Dymchurch, by 06.00.

Some 18 Albanians were picked up off the Kent coast trying to enter Britain in a rubber dinghy, leading the Channel to be dubbed the 'New Mediterranean'

Viking: Low, 250 miles north-east, flotilla of Somalis spotted leaving Hamburg, moving steadily and deepening in the direction of Aberdeen, due Sunday.

Forties, Dogger: High chance of Iraqis, pretending to be Syrians, seen clinging to Lilos near North Sea oil rig, estimated time of arrival, somewhere between Bridlington and St Andrews, approximately 19.30 hours Saturday, immediately after Strictly Come Dancing.

Humber: Six to gale eight, occasionally severe to gale nine. Shipping advised to be on alert for Del Boy’s Uncle Albert bearing migrants to Hull and back in decommissioned fishing vessel.

Cromarty, Forth, Burney: Heavy rain, forming in West of Scotland, turning to drivel later. Strong winds, veering six to seven, bringing hot air balloon full of alleged refugees to Holyrood. Watch out for mild cant, becoming extreme hypocrisy later. Disturbances expected outside Clansman, Craiglang, 21.30 hours.

Fisher, German Bight, Tyne: Convoy of Afghans on makeshift rafts built out of wooden pallets, located West, moving rapidly towards Cullercoats and Whitley Bay, believed to be in Dire Straits by low tide, expected Spanish City 0450 hours. Rain, then showers, moderate to good.

Fair Isle: Strong possibility of Ukranians veering Westerly, five to eight, bearing South, in upturned Lada four-door saloon, made seaworthy by sealing door-frames with chewing gum, arriving off the coast of Scarborough sometime during the Alan Ayckbourn festival.

THE PRINCE OF WAILS Those of us who warn about the creeping Islamification of Britain are routinely accused of being alarmist. So what are we to make of this photograph of Prince William, second in line to the throne, apparently praying to Mecca before taking to the polo field in Windsor at the weekend? Has he converted to Islam already? And how long before we’re all singing Allah Save The Queen?

Humber, Thames: Heavy influx of Palestinians, pretending to be Kurds, moving through Mediterranean heading North West, due to arrive Kingston upon Hull Thursday 07.50 hours, moderate to severe chance of asylum claims.

Yarmouth Harbour: Fine and pleasant day. Cabin boy on a sailing lugger reports sighting previously believed to be shoal of herring now confirmed as hundreds of illegal immigrants wearing rubber rings, roped together and being towed by jet-ski, last seen drifting North by North East in close proximity to offshore windfarm. High to severe chance of drowning, somewhere between Dover and the Faroe Islands.

Walmington-on-Sea: Syrian migrant, pretending to be an Iraqi, arriving by paraglider from Calais, south-west six, nine nine eight, falling quickly, apprehended on promenade by local volunteer defence force and escorted to church hall. Wind light, sea moderate to rough, we’re all doomed. Only three patrol boats to cover 7,700 miles of coastline. Don’t panic!

THERESA MAY'S SPEECH Thick-as-Bisto Theresa May made a speech at the beginning of the Brexit campaign in which she laid out the case for leaving the EU - but then for cynical reasons of personal advancement declared that she was going to vote Remain. I am reliably informed that at a recent meeting of her Maidenhead constituency association, there was only one person out of 200 in favour of staying. And that was May herself. Yet still she fancies herself as leadership material, in the Margaret Thatcher mould. Forget it, Theresa. My money’s on Priti Flamingo.

Trafalgar: Easterly, four or five, drizzle turning to showers, sporadic, occasionally heavy. Speedboat containing assorted economic migrants from North Africa located heading towards Thames Estuary at 25 knots, one-thousand-and-seven, rising rapidly, expected docking Newham late Thursday, 21.50 hours. Accommodation being arranged by East London Central Mosque and Pixie Balls-Cooper.

Wight, Portland: Choppy conditions, medium to good, becoming moderate to rip-roaring bonkers after a few pink vodkas. Forecast for Cowes Week: several captains detained by River Filth attempting to smuggle illegal immigrants ashore, pretending they were crew.

Channel light vessel automatic: 11- to-four, chances excellent, no coastguard for 200 miles in any direction, seas calm, ideal for people-smuggling. Suggest small marinas on South Coast, little to no policing expected, 12 grand per head.

Plymouth: Three-to-one favourite, seven-to-one the field, extreme likelihood of jihadists returning from Islamic State, open water from St Malo and Roscoff. Chance of detection slight, possibility of conviction zero to three parts of Rockall.

Fastnet, Sole: Intermittent squalls, choppy. Squadron of pedalos believed to be carrying asylum seekers from Kosovo, departed Marseille Wednesday, sighted South West by South, visibility good, continuous progress into British costal waters, arrival Tiger Bay, Cardiff, estimated 14.36 hours Saturday. Legal Aid aware.

Lundy: 25 or six to four, force ten from Navarone. Klingons on the starboard bow. Giant inflatable banana carrying three dozen migrants being towed at high speed towards Bristol Channel. Royal Navy aircraft carrier dispatched, but unable to intercept due to complete lack of aircraft.