Every Test Result On Your Medical Report Indicates Cancer So I Feel Confident In Summarizing Your Diagnosis as “No Cancer”

“Mr. Mueller’s team drew no conclusions about whether Mr. Trump illegally obstructed justice, Mr. Barr said, so he made his own decision. The attorney general and his deputy, Rod J. Rosenstein, determined that the special counsel’s investigators had insufficient evidence to establish that the president committed that offense.” – The New York Times, 3/24/19

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After almost two years of extensive medical testing, your results are in and I’m happy to report that it is good news. The findings don’t say that you have cancer, but they don’t rule it out either. Basically, the tests are inconclusive, which I feel confident in summarizing as “no cancer."

You probably want to read the full medical report yourself but no need. It’s really long. The blood results? Radiologist’s notes? Don’t bore yourself. Those guys go on for pages with their minutia. Who cares? I’ll tell you what it says — total exoneration from cancer!

Yes, you have all the classic symptoms of cancer: tumors, unexplained weight loss, excessive fatigue. But believe me, I’ve analyzed all 1000 pages of your medical report over the weekend and congratulations — you’re perfectly healthy. You can be 100% secure in my judgment. I don’t have any reason to protect cancer. It’s not like cancer gave my son-in-law a job as its legal advisor or anything. I’m completely independent from cancer.

While it’s true I once wrote an unsolicited memo expressing doubt about the existence of cancer, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t treat cancer if I saw it. And let me tell you, after reading your lengthy medical report documenting every cancer symptom known to medical science, I don’t see it.

I mean, sure, there are giant cancer cells marching across your body holding colorful signs that say CANCER IN PLAIN SIGHT right now as we speak. But that’s not sufficient evidence to establish that it is, in fact, cancer. Thirty-four people with the same exact symptoms as yours have already been diagnosed with the disease? Doesn’t mean you have it. Unexplained bleeding, mysterious back pain, a mole that’s changing shape? It’s strains credibility I know, but in my professional opinion, that’s not cancer.

I see you’re upset. Understandable since you were so certain the test results were going to confirm cancer. The report explicitly states there’s evidence on both sides and can’t rule it out, so I’m ruling it out. I don’t expect you to comprehend. These are difficult questions of medical science. My job is to interpret such things for you. This does not exonerate you from cancer means it absolutely exonerates you from cancer. The sooner you accept that you’ve wasted the last two years of your life on this cancer witch-hunt, the sooner you’ll be able to move on with your life.

Don’t bother getting a second opinion; I’m the top doctor in the country, appointed by cancer itself, so you can absolutely trust me. History may judge me incorrect, but by then you’ll be long dead from a horrible painful cancer death. Still, you don’t get to see the actual medical report. No matter what the report says, which you haven’t seen, and which I will fight to the death to keep you from seeing.