The bank accounts have been studied, the ancestral lineages inspected, and political connections explored. If both parties passed muster, the next step toward marriage was the engagement.

If it had not already been done, the man was introduced to girl's parents and her peer group. Permission for asking for the daughter's hand in marriage had to be granted by bride's father, although the gentleman could wait until he had his bride's consent before asking.

A proposal was best made in person, with clear, distinct language, so the girl might not misunderstand the gentleman's intent. If he could not bring himself to propose in person, he could do so in writing. A girl did not have to accept her first proposal. She could play coy.

A short time was allowed to elapse before an engagement was announced, except to the most intimate friends/family of both parties. This was a precaution, lest the engagement be ended by either party.

The mother hosted a dinner party once the engagement was announced. The purpose of this dinner was to introduce the fiancé to his bride's family. A more formal evening party may have followed. Once the groom had been introduced to bride's family, the bride was then introduced to his. This could be a very trying time for a young girl, as a mother-in-law's eye was often critical.

After the engagement was announced to the family, the bride wrote to the rest of her friends with the news. At the same time, her mother wrote to the elders of these families. Engagements lasted from six months to two years depending upon ages and circumstances.

The engagement was finalized with a ring. The size and stone depended upon the groom's finances. They could be in the form of a love knot, a simple band, or a band embedded with different stones whose initials spelled out a name or word of love. For example, the Prince of Wales, Albert Edward, gave Princess Alexandra of Denmark a 'gypsy ring' with the stones Beryl, Emerald, Ruby, Turquoise, Iacynth and Emerald, to spell out his nickname, "Bertie."

A woman could, in turn, give her fiancé a ring, although it was not required.

The couple could become a bit more intimate once they were engaged. They could stroll out alone, hold hands in public, and take unchaperoned rides. A hand around the waist, a chaste kiss, a pressing of the hand, were allowed. They could also visit alone behind closed doors. But they had to be dutifully separated by nightfall, or overnight at country parties. Thus, if the engagement was broken, the girl suffered the consequences of a ruined reputation because of her previous behavior. An honorable man never broke an engagement, so as not to cause the girl discomfiture.

Unfortunately, some engagements did end, with resulting embarrassment and possibly even legal action should it be terminated by one party over the protest of the other. A "breach of promise" suit might result in one party paying for the other's damages, such as cost of a wedding gown and trousseau. This was one reason news of the betrothal was often kept from family and friends. It wasn't considered official, and therefore would not hold up in court. Women were even cautioned as to what they wrote in letters and journals, should the case go that far.

As callous as all this sounds, there was true romance and love during the Victorian era. Why else did samples of heart-rending verses and flowery cards last through the ages for us to ponder and dream over? Perhaps it was these very constraints and rules that made true love all the more special to those who found it. For lucky were the ones who found love within their class, and within the approval of their families. Yet even those marriages that did not begin with love, often ended in a deep, endearing attachment that would be envied by many.