MERSEY PARADISE

There must be something in the water in Liverpool. And no, we don't mean sharks or the odd discarded shopping trolley. The city could be twinned with Hogwarts, such is its ability to cast spells on people. Certain football folk, in particular, seem bewitched by the place, unable to leave even after the club has made like an office prankster and severed all ties. From Jan Molby to Didi Hamann and Rafa Benitez, former Reds eschew the charms of more sunny or fashionable destinations to remain on Merseyside and become honorary Scousers, even, in the case of Benitez, going so far as to regularly bivouac outside the Anfield employment office in the hope of one day being readmitted.

The latest player to get hooked like a pair of car keys at the end of a wily crook's fishing rod is Daniel Agger, who has declared his eagerness to pick his own pocket by turning down a potential move to Manchester City in order to carry on at Liverpool. "I'd rather stay," pleaded Agger as he prepared to tattoo the head of Jay Spearing on his heart. "I can't imagine playing for any other club in England," Agger is reported to have told Danish website politiken.dk before adding with a tear: "But that decision is not up to me. Liverpool can do a deal even though I have two years left on my contract, but I haven't changed my mind on the subject."

Agger is exactly the sort of ball-playing centre-back that Brendan Rodgers needs for his preferred style of play to flourish but the club may not be able to resist a bid in excess of £20m, some of which they could use to pay the wages of Nuri Sahin, the Real Madrid midfielder whom Liverpool hope to land on loan and who is reported to be close to rejecting Arsenal on the advice of Xabi Alonso, a reluctant departed Red who seems to want to continue living in Liverpool vicariously.

Inspired by Alonso's advocacy, Arsenal and Man City are understood to be trying to call on players to convince Sahin and Agger, respectively, to move elsewhere. They have had to rule out asking Mario Balotelli after it emerged that the Italian was instrumental in persuading Fabio Borini to join Liverpool by claiming they had the best fans in England. Arsenal and City, then, could soon find themselves in a position in which they never imagined they would be: looking for a phone number for Paul Konchesky.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Like me or not, I am the only one who won the world's three most important leagues. So, maybe instead of the 'Special One', people should start calling me the 'Only One'" – don't ever change, Jose.

FIVER LETTERS

"Given their record on appointments so far, if Venky's were to turn to a universal adviser to advise Blackeye Rovers global adviser Sheppy Singh (yesterday's Fiver), they'd inevitably get it wrong. They would then be obliged to bring in someone to advise the universal director, but since the universe is infinite you can't trump a universal director and they'd have to turn to the creator of the universe commonly known as God. Thus the prayer of the faithful; 'may God help us' will come to pass" – John Myles.

"Those of us who have had the pleasure of listening to Shebby Singh punditating on ESPN Asia over the years, have long understood that he is a plum. But to find that the Fiver has got more footballing knowledge is still a bit of a surprise" – Roger Mart.

"I am writing to you on behalf of all fans that have ever been subjected to Shebby's 'analysis' while watching some of the Asian broadcasts of the Greed is Good League, to beg that you make him sound like the best global adviser in the history of football. It might just persuade Venky's to let him roost in one of their coops for good and keep us safe'. At the same time please do feel free to persuade Venky's to hire more Asian TV pundits for the new post of Universal Adviser. Perhaps you could suggest the former 'Man City star' John Burridge" – Prateek Chadha.

"Re: Ethan Mackintosh's 'Union Jackulation with the rest of the country' (yesterday's Fiver letters). Unless he has had the luxury of watching the Olympics from a boat, surely he has engaged in 'Union Flagulation', as the Union flag only becomes the Union Jack when raised on a ship. This would suggest his enthusiasm for all things Team GB is not as patriotic as he suggests" – Stephen Connolly.

"Re: Mario Balotelli's conjunctivitis. I admit I had to use Google to confirm that conjunctivitis is what we call pink eye over here. Mario Balotelli can't play with pink eye? My nine-year-old daughter has it, is playing soccerball tonight, and multiple times over the weekend I witnessed her hoof her brothers then flash me the innocent 'why always me?' look. He may want to ask for a second opinion" – Al Barless.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

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BITS AND BOBS

Theo Walcott has pulled out of England's meaningless friendly with Italy tomorrow night after suffering meaningless thigh-ouch. "Walcott reported with a slightly bruised thigh," droned an FA statement.

The Football League will not sanction a loan move by any of its clubs for QPR's JoeyBarton.com, as it doesn't want the deep-thinker to serve his 12-match ban any quicker than he would do in the top flight.

Steven Fletcher is set to start the new season with Wolves after Sunderland failed to meet their valuation for the striker. "All parties need to draw a line under this matter," said Wolves chief suit, Jez Moxley, drawing a line under the figure £15m and popping it in the post to Martin O'Neill.

HULK WANT TRANSFER! "My preference is to play in England or Spain because they are the most watched leagues in the world," roared the Porto forward. "Now is a great time for me to move."

And adidas have come up with three names for the official 2014 World Cup ball but want to absolve themselves of any ridicule by asking fans to vote for their favourite. The options are: Carnavalesca, Bossa Nova and Brazuca. Yes, Brazuca.

STILL WANT MORE?

It's 2010 all over again as France expect a member of its golden generation to bury a footballing debacle. But Amy Lawrence reckons Didier Deschamps will be different.

Can Stoke do it etc and so on? Paul Wilson says yes.

Southampton inspire a lot of nostalgia but not a lot of confidence, suggests Kevin McCarra in his preview of Saints' upcoming season.

And a poor showing in the Olympics left Brazil more exposed than your average German naturist in Munich's Englischer Garten, writes Jonathan Wilson. OK, he didn't quite write that, but you get the point.

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