Rating: 7/10

The glistening bacon sprawled gently on top of a considerable pile of orange chicken, resembling a slight but noticeable dew gathering on the grass blades of a freshly cut lawn on a spring morning in mid-April. Despite its damp exterior the pieces seemed weightless. Several drifting vessels sailing slowly but purposefully across a sea of orange. As my fork neared the sleeping beast, there was a certain reverence, an understanding of the damage that it was about to afflict on me. Eating a double order of Bacon Orange Chicken from Panda Express was spiritual and life affirming. A fast food vision quest.

The instantaneous runny nose was anticipated, it remains a standard and manageable side effect to eating at Panda Express. The supernatural richness and saltiness of the bacon however brought on a fresh onslaught of head-spinning consequences. About halfway through the disorientation set in. Beginning first with euphoria, I sat, laughing fully and uncontrollably at nothing in particular. Next was a slipping plastic fork, a tingling sensation signaling the loss of feeling in my left arm. This was a pretty unfamiliar feeling, I couldn’t tell if it was the orange sauce playing tricks on me or if I was about to have the big one. I sat wondering who had turned up the thermostat and hoped it was the former. Maybe someone wasn’t at the thermostat at all, in fact I’m not sure our building has one. I was on another plane of existence.

Through this feral state there was an unquenchable thirst that had awakened. The sodium had depleted every ounce of moisture my body had held. Cracked knuckles and dander had all but developed in the half hour of eating. Make sure to have plenty of moisturizer and anti-dandruff shampoo if you decide to embark on this journey. I drank about 100 oz’s of water throughout the meal and my mouth was still a sandbox the rest of the day. Also little known fact that once digested the combination of orange chicken and bacon creates cement. Or if not cement an unstoppable adhesive. After the fever finally broke I felt like a new man, both physically and spiritually cleansed.