The Best Cognitive Strategy to Help You Fall Out of Love With Your Ex

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Falling out of love with an ex can be one of the most difficult things in the world. Sometimes it can take years before we finally feel we have “moved on.” But what if there’s a way to decrease our feelings of love and learn to let go faster?

A new study published in Experimental Psychology decided to look into this. They tested 3 different “cognitive strategies” to see which helped people the most to decrease their feelings of love toward an ex-partner.

The study gathered participants who had just recently suffered from a breakup. They told each participant to bring in pictures of their ex, so they could use these pictures as a prompt to get the participants thinking about their relationships.

In between showing pictures of the ex, they asked participants to engage in 3 different cognitive strategies, including:

Love reappraisal – Reflecting on your feelings of love but accepting that you can no longer be with that person. (“It’s okay to love someone I’m no longer with.”)

– Reflecting on your feelings of love but accepting that you can no longer be with that person. (“It’s okay to love someone I’m no longer with.”) Negative reappraisal – Reflecting on the negative qualities of your ex-partner and what you don’t like about them. (“What is an annoying habit of your ex?”)

– Reflecting on the negative qualities of your ex-partner and what you don’t like about them. (“What is an annoying habit of your ex?”) Distraction – Reflecting on something that has nothing to do with your ex-partner. (“Think about your favorite food/movie/book.”)

Of the three strategies tested, “negative reappraisal” – reflecting on the negative qualities of your ex-partner – was shown to be the most effective at decreasing feelings of love.

Both the “love appraisal” and “distraction” strategies had no effect on feelings of love, though the “distraction” strategy temporarily increased positive emotions (probably a form of healthy escapism).

While “negative reappraisal” decreased feelings of love, it also increased unpleasant emotions. However, researchers theorized that this short-term pain may be beneficial in the long-term if it helps to decrease our feelings of love and ultimately helps us to move on from a past relationship.

In truth, every lover has good qualities and bad qualities, and every relationship has good moments and bad moments. However, what we choose to focus on most is ultimately what paints how we see the relationship and how we feel about the person.

To rekindle a connection, focus more on the good qualities of your partner (“What do you like about them?”). To extinguish a connection, focus more on the bad qualities of your partner (“What don’t you like about them?”).

It’s such a basic, commonsense idea – but it works.

Of course, we shouldn’t make it a habit to focus on someone’s negative qualities, but this can be a valuable exercise if you think of it in terms of the person being incompatible with you.

Keep it subjective. You don’t have to think your ex is an objectively terrible person or anything, just say that they have certain traits and qualities that aren’t compatible with your values, personality, and tastes.

In general, it’s smart to reflect on your past relationships because they can often teach you more about what you are actually looking for in a partner and relationship. Without reflection, we often end up repeating the same mistakes over and over.

But by identifying the ways your relationship went wrong, and the negative things about your partner that you didn’t like, you put yourself in a better position to find relationships in the future that match what you are looking for.

While “negative reappraisal” isn’t some magic trick that will instantly help you get over an ex, it’s a valuable tool to keep in mind when you are trying to fall out of love.

Exercise : Get a pen and paper, then take 5 minutes to make a list of all of the things you didn’t like about your ex and why it made them incompatible with you in the long-term. It can be anything big or small, even if it’s something silly like, “The way she chewed her food was annoying.” Then burn the paper to symbolize your feelings of love disappearing.

Overall, the next time you find yourself recovering from a bad breakup, try out this exercise and see how it helps. And if you want, here are more tips and suggestions on how to overcome a bad breakup that I’ve written about in the past.



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