When I got married 14 years ago, I didn’t have a clue that we would struggle so much in the intimacy department. For so many years, I felt embarrassed to admit how infrequent our sexual encounters had become and how devastating the effects on our marriage were. I couldn’t understand why I simply didn’t want to have sex and feeling horrible about it wasn’t doing me any good. So, thankfully, we turned to whatever help we could find and gradually fumbled our way through numerous counselling and coaching sessions, books and workshops to discover the answers and solutions we desperately needed. And, now, after years and years of hard work in this area, I want to share with you my 10 most helpful tips for dealing with a low sex drive, in the hopes that it assists you to create a satisfying, fulfilling and relaxing sexual relationship with your partner.

Low Sex Drive in Women: 10 Tips to Help

Take a break

I know what you are thinking… take a break? What? I’m trying to increase my desire for sex, not take it away entirely! I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but just hear me out. Often the pressure to have sex, to figure out how to “fix” yourself and the inevitable disappointment in your body can take a big toll on your libido. One of the first things that relationship Counselors suggest when there is intimacy challenges, is to take a short break. That way, the whole pursuer/pursued dynamic disappears and there is some breathing room to do some investigation. Just one week of a “no sex” rule can give you an opportunity to actually feel desire to have it, without dodging requests from your spouse.

Remind yourself that you are not broken

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Let me say that again… you are not broken, damaged or in any other way “less than” your spouse. Do you have a different sex drive? Maybe so. Do you need to work a bit harder to become aroused? Possibly. But broken? Absolutely not. And the more you can repeat this to yourself and work to actually believe it, the better off you are. Because there is nothing that kills desire more than to feel like there is something wrong with you and that you are causing all the problems. You are perfect just the way you are.

Discover what you like

Whether we admit it or not, there is a pretty ridged box which defines “sexy”. Just walk by any lingerie store and you’ll know what I’m talking about. But, here’s the thing. Having sex with your partner is not about being on display or providing some sort of show for them. It’s for you to feel beautiful, comfortable, relaxed and connected. And it’s pretty hard to do that when you are trying to imitate something you think is acceptably “sexy”. So give yourself the space to be curious about your own unique desires, tastes and preferences.

Embrace what you like

And once you figure out what you like, it’s time to work towards accepting it unconditionally. You are in control of your own sexuality. You are a sexual person! We all are! It’s a beautiful gift we have been given, but you can steer it in your own direction. Do you like the lights out? Prefer wearing soft cotton? Need some music in the background? Whatever your likes, they are valid, important and should be respected.

Share what you like

I totally get that it’s one thing to internally discover and embrace your preferences, but to share it with your partner can be a scary thing. What if your voice isn’t heard or taken seriously? What if you feel rejected or ashamed? I know it’s a courageous act to take, but I have full confidence that you can do it. And, ultimately, your spouse wants to be intimate with you, make you feel good and have more sex! It might take some time for the message to sink in, but gently persist with your requests and eventually they will remember and you will enjoy sex more than you ever have before.

Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings about sex

For women, it’s easy to slip into the mentality that men only want to have sex because it’s a purely physical need. Like a caveman pounding his chest and demanding his needs be met, without any sort of emotional attachment or desire to connect. But, let me tell you, we really have it all wrong. Just like a good conversation helps women feel important, valued and united, so does sex for men. It’s just a different language that’s being spoken. So when your spouse says, “Can we have sex?” translate that into, “Can we talk?”, and it will make much more sense.

Get out of your head

Oh yes… this is a very difficult one. And much easier said than done. There is just so much stuff rolling around in our brains… the “to do” lists, the kids, the things we want to talk to our spouse about, the bills… and on and on. Men really do have a brain “off” switch, it’s called an erection. But women? We just don’t have one! Sometimes I’ll catch myself way off in another world and only notice when the pleasure decreases or I feel annoyed by my husband’s touch. So when that happens to you, don’t beat yourself up but just simply return to focusing on the physical sensations. And good luck, it’s a tricky one.

Remind yourself that you like sex

This might sound like a funny tip but often the more you have sex, the more you want it and the less you have sex, the less you want it. Seems like a cruel cycle to me! So if it’s been awhile since your last intimate connection with your spouse, remind yourself that you, in fact, really like sex. I’ve even considered tattooing it to my arm but I’m a bit concerned about the looks I’d get as I walked my kids to school…

Focus on the journey, not the end goal

Do you ever go into a sexual encounter with your partner thinking, “How in the world am I going to have an orgasm?” I’d say it’s a pretty common thought, especially for women who have a lower sex drive. But, here’s a secret, the fun is really all in the journey… even if the end is never reached. When my husband and I truly embraced this concept, our sex life dramatically improved. There no longer existed “good” or “bad” experiences because every intimate moment counted and a new goal was created: to simply achieve connection on a physical level.

Just go for it

Sometimes arousal comes before sex and sometimes it comes after! So if you are on the fence about getting into bed with your spouse and think you could give it a try, I’d say go for it. And if things don’t get rolling, it’s totally fine. Try again next time. Your partner will appreciate you tried to give it a go and feel important and valued because of your effort.