The popular social blogging site Tumblr is hiring writers and editors to cover the world of Tumblr. —The Times. Facebook and Twitter Could Be Good for Your Brain: New research supports the health of social networking. —WebProNews.

Hey, you—yes, you, scanning past me for celebrity news. Did you fail to notice what I’m about? The exact medium that you use to mass-distribute articles to friends, relatives, and people you’ve never met!

Illustration by Michael Kupperman

First, I take a sort of new angle on Facebook, which means you’ll post me on Facebook. My second half concerns itself with Twitter, so you’re powerless not to retweet me, perhaps with a pithy comment before the retweet, like “Long but worth checking out.” And I throw in a nod to Google+ or Circles or whatever the hell it’s called, which means I’ll be Added or Encircled or something. There’s nothing pandering about me whatsoever!

You see, all I need to do is be self-referentially about the technology you all use and I’ll replicate like the virus in “Contagion,” a movie that, if any of you saw it, will inspire you to now post me to the “Contagion” Facebook page. Look: “The Hunger Games,” “The Smurfs,” “ ‘The Smurfs’ Meets ‘Shame.’ ” This is too easy.

Hmm . . . What kind of ominous, doctored statistic can I make up? Did you know that twenty-four per cent of Facebook users have unwittingly divulged their credit-card information to third-party venders? Or that iPhone owners are more likely to suffer from thumb-stress-induced depression? Or that having an Android means you possess the gene for racism? True or not, you’ll post it, and fourteen of your friends will comment and repost it and feign concern about privacy issues and worry that they’re sad racists with carpal-tunnel syndrome, although they’ll stay online because they’re addicted and their lives are too humdrum for them to care about the protection thereof anyway.

Twitter! Users tend to [insert new thing]! Tweets! Hashtags! Bit.ly! Athletes! Celebrities! How things have changed in the past six months! Micro-celebrities! Minor-league athletes! Kony! [Insert another new thing]!

What will Mark Zuckerberg do next? Who cares! You do, in an involuntary, Pavlovian way, which is why you’re reading me when you should be outdoors, talking with a loved one, listening to live music, knitting, doing nearly anything else! Make a limp statement about your technocratic dictator that masquerades as wit, you enslaved peon, and pass me on!

Interesting article—I’m referring to myself—about the death of bookstores and print media you just posted. Way to stave off the inevitable end in a gesture whose irony you seem to be only vaguely aware of. Put it on the “I Know the Difference Between Irony and Sarcasm” fan page! Related: “Stop Using the Word ‘Random’ Incorrectly” group!

Heartwarming story (little ol’ me again) about a girl who used Twitter to raise five thousand dollars for her Scout troop, blah blah blah. Just post me and pretend like you personally did something good. When’s the last time you volunteered or even gave money to a homeless person? God, we’re doomed as a race, but, first, retweet me @ a few influential friends you think would really be into me and—oh, Jesus, I once had dreams of being a Pulitzer-winning series about Congo. How did I end up on the bullshit-tech-story beat?

Saccharine personal essay about how social networking is changing relationships between mothers and daughters! Between grandparents and grandchildren! Aunts and their dentists! Erstwhile Little League coaches and their former second basemen who are now grad students in neuroscience and can barely remember them so it’s kind of weird they were friended! Pets with Facebook pages and politicians’ Internet campaigns and etiquette for R.S.V.P.’ing to events and the best way to wish someone happy birthday without feeling like an exclamatory fool! Long quote we all agree with overlaid on a famous person’s picture; distraction-from-death meme that will burn itself out in four days.

It doesn’t matter what I say here [kumquats], you’ll still [my A.T.M. PIN is 5724] reproduce me [Eric Stoltz filmed a number of scenes in “Back to the Future” before being replaced by Michael J. Fox].

Share me! Share me “via” someone else! You can’t stop yourself! How did you survive before, without having read me and having made all your friends read me on the subject of everyone reading me?

Friendster! ♦