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Cool Tips for Hot Sex!

Circulated without cost for educational purposes only.

CM. For voting members only.

Contents

Introduction 1

General Comments 6

Attitude Counts 7

Responsibility 11

Sex Etiquette 14

Talking Sex with Your Partner 18

What Turns a Man On 27

What Turns a Woman On 31

Everyone Is Different 35

Our Imperfect Bodies 37

Beforehand 40

Pre-Date Queries 41

The Bare Essentials 41

Making Yourself Sexually Attractive 42

Setting the Stage 47

Foreplay 49

Breaking the Ice 50

Mental Foreplay 51

Going Slow 52

The Art of Undressing 54

Kissing 55

Fabulous Foreplay 60

Masturbation 71

For Each Other 72

Masturbating a Man 74

Masturbating a Woman 79

Oral Sex 86

Oral Sex for Men 89

Oral Sex for Women 98

In the Act 103

Non-Fucking Positions 104

"All The Way" Positions 107

Spiritual Sex 113

There's always more to learn! 120

Love Words to Jesus 121

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Introduction :

From WS

This compilation of comments, tips, ideas, and explanations concerning sexual fellowship is being provided as an educational tool. The points included herein are taken from a wide range of sources, including the MO Letters, books and publications written by experts in this field, findings from various medical studies, and different people's personal experiences and opinions. Although you will find important material on communication--a key to a fulfilling sex life--still, this is not a relationship or marriage manual. At best it's a loose collection of what we hope and pray are helpful practical tips to help bridge the information gap regarding sexual intimacy, particularly techniques and ideas to experiment with as alternatives to intercourse.

Depending on your personal feelings and situation and the Family guidelines put forth in the Charter concerning sexual fellowship for people of your age, you may or may not choose to experiment with some of the activities that are discussed in this book. If you are a young person who has had very little personal experience with sex, you will naturally go much more slowly than people who have been having sex for quite some time.

There is absolutely no obligation for anyone in the Family to participate in any of the sexual activities put forth in this publication. By publishing these tips and ideas, we in no way want to give the impression that sexual sharing is our new "top priority." Dad has wisely said that sex is only 2% of life, and it is not the aim of this publication to increase that percentage drastically.

Each person is free to choose what he or she does or does not want to do, as long as it's in accordance with the guidelines allowed for your age in the Charter. Even if, according to Family rules, you are allowed considerable freedom in the area of sexual fellowship, you are still in no way obligated to experiment with the ideas put forth in this publication. In fact, some might seem rather unappealing to you because everyone's sexual tastes vary somewhat, so it's up to you to take what you like and leave the rest.

Here is an analogy that might make this concept easier to understand: Say you walk into a gourmet restaurant. You sit down at a table with candlelight, beautiful china and silverware, and are handed a six-page menu of delicious dishes. You then read about all the dishes, the hors d'oeuvres, the entrees and the desserts. Some dishes may appear wonderfully appetizing and delicious to you, others might be rather interesting, and finally others might not sound very appealing at all. But it goes without saying that no one would expect you to actually order all the dishes on the menu! You would simply pick and choose that which is the most appealing to you personally. Likewise, concerning sexual fellowship, each person can choose (within the boundaries of the Charter and the Law of Love) what they feel in the mood for and what they feel will keep them happy, healthy and satisfied.

We want to again stress that although a variety of suggestions and tips are included in this publication, they are by no means to be taken as "the way you must do it." For example, there is a quote later in this material that says, "One sexual therapist concludes, 'In my interviews with hundreds of men and women, the results were clear: Women generally prefer slow foreplay, long kisses and cuddling, while men generally prefer spontaneity and physical passion.'" Of course we know that women sometimes like spontaneity and physical passion, while men also sometimes like slow foreplay, long kisses and cuddling. It depends on your mood and lots of other things. We pray you won't feel limited, bound or boxed in by what seem like broad opinions or findings. The point is, regardless of who's giving an opinion, whether a young man or woman, an author or sex therapist, it's still only one opinion, and should be balanced with other advice, as well as your own tastes and preferences and those of your date partner/partners.

When you read this publication you might initially feel overwhelmed or embarrassed, thinking, "All this time I've been doing it wrong !" Don't be so hard on yourself! No one knows or practices all this advice. So please don't feel like you've failed or have been a lousy lover because you weren't aware of all this information. Just take what points appeal to you and add them into your lovemaking repertoire as you and your partner/partners(s) feel led.

Another problem that might crop up with the publishing of all this information about sex is the feeling that you now have to compete , or that you have to be the first one to try out all these new things because you feel threatened or insecure, thinking that someone else who your mate, lover or friend shares with sexually will do it better or be freer, more exciting, more innovative, more expressive, more adventurous, or whatever. We would be saddened if this publication would generate competition and jealousy, because our purpose in compiling these tips is not to make you sad, but instead to help you to be more fulfilled and happy in your love times with others. Our desire is to supply new and different ideas, possibly things that you haven't thought of or heard of before, for your information and for you to try as you feel led. But the idea certainly isn't to put you in bondage by making you feel like you have to make love a certain way, or by making you feel that you now have to perform or compete. Listen to what Dad had to say on the subject:

"It's a sad thing to feel competitive when it comes to loving one another, making love, communicating, sharing your heart. Competition is really not of the Lord; it squelches the freedom of the spirit, it takes away your individuality as you're trying to be like someone else, or be something that you're not. Competition is synonymous with fear, because you're afraid that somebody is going to be better, do better, look better, or act better. When you're competitive or jealous, you're afraid that somebody else is going to turn your lover on more than you do, be more exciting, full of newer and better and more ideas. But I want to tell you that this is not the right way to look at it. Not only is it not healthy and it doesn't make you happy, but it's not even the truth.

"What really counts is the spirit, how much of God's love you have, how unselfish you are, how giving you are, how truly loving you are. That's what really counts. The Lord is the one who enhances your lovemaking. He enhances it with the spirit. That's what makes it more exciting, more fulfilling. That's what makes your head spin! That's what gives you such pleasure as you've never known before. It's because the Lord is there in all His glory. And He is able to be there more because of your freedom in the spirit and because you create a vacuum for Him through your unselfish love and giving and your tender, caring, positive spirit." (End of points from Dad.)

Remember, each person is an individual. Each person has his or her own lovemaking style and preferences. No two people are the same. You shouldn't compare one lovemaking partner with another, nor should you compare yourself with others, thinking you've got to do more, or do it faster, or do it better, or do it more often, in order to be considered an "expert."

The goal of this publication is not to create a bunch of "experts." The goal is to educate, to give various ideas and examples of things that you can try if you want to, if you feel led, but it's good to understand that nobody is going to be able to adopt all of these ideas, or even a large percentage of them, into their regular lovemaking habits. If you learn a little here or there, or try a few new things here or there, and if you find what you personally like and what pleases your partner, that's good. And especially if you young people find suitable, satisfying alternatives to intercourse, then that's good. But it would be unrealistic to expect anyone to be able to put into practice all the ideas and tips and techniques put forth in this publication.

As you read this material, if you see something that strikes your fancy that you would like to try, fine, then try it. And if you enjoy it and it is comfortable and satisfying for both you and your partner, then fine, that's good. But there will undoubtedly be a lot of tips or ideas or techniques put forth that either you don't feel comfortable with or that aren't to your particular liking in some way, in which case you can just forget about those.--Don't worry about them at all and don't feel condemned or that you're missing the mark in any way or that you are not free or liberated.

As was said earlier, each person is an individual, each person has different likes and dislikes. Just be yourself. Be happy. Be loving. Do as you feel led of the Lord, and don't yield to the temptation to be competitive, because that will just steal your joy and the freedom of the spirit in your lovemaking.

The points in each section are listed in random order, not by order of importance. Some points are specifically for men, some specifically for women, and many points can be of benefit to both sexes. Enjoy!

General Comments :

Attitude Counts:

Happy fulfilling sexual fellowship begins by having an attitude of faith and understanding that God is not against sex. He doesn't look at sex as some kind of "necessary evil." The Devil hates sex, but God loves it!

Dad said: "Enjoy yourself, you are part of God and His Creation, and He created you to love and enjoy both Him and His Creation forever!" (ML#258:62).

"God created you to enjoy all these things. He created the very nerves which feel good and the very senses which feel pleasant, to look upon things which are pleasant to the eye, to taste things which are delicious, to hear beautiful music and things which are pleasant, to feel pleasurable sensations of touch and to even smell the lovely fragrance of a flower and of delicious food cooking, pleasant smells, fragrant odors" (ML#1035:10).

Everyone wants to be good in bed. We want to be pleasing to our lovers and those we share intimate fellowship with. However, we would do well to realize, amidst the challenge and excitement of learning new techniques, that the most important key to being a good lover has been in our possession all along . The key is remembering to keep the Lord at the center of our lives . As Dad and Mama have always taught, as long as He is the focal point, everything else will be in proper perspective.

Jesus is the key to the satisfaction and fulfillment that we seek for ourselves and our loved ones. All the sex techniques and positions in the world cannot replace the fulfillment of putting Him first and enjoying His blessing on our lives as a result. Here's something Dad said on this subject:

"…If you put Him first, love and worship Him above all and thank Him for all of these things that He has given us to enjoy and enjoy them, find great pleasure and pleasantness in them to the point that they are not overriding or lustful to the exclusion of God and His love and worship, then it is not a sin to enjoy life and sex and food and sensual pleasures which God created your senses to enjoy. PTL! TYJ!" (ML#1035:14).

"God intended for us to enjoy these bodies and our lives in them to the very full with every fiber and every nerve of our body! He put them there for a purpose. If it was a nerve to make you feel good, then He did it to have you enjoy it and to make you feel good, amen? Just don't be excessive and intemperate and abuse your body and overdo!" (ML#1237:28).

Reading the Word and seeing how the Lord feels about sex will help you to enjoy loving sexual fellowship and will liberate you from the unwarranted guilt and condemnation that the Devil would want to burden you with.

Dad expounded on how we do not need to suffer the Enemy's condemnation when he said: "If your attitude is right and you're looking on sex with the right attitude, knowing that it is God-created , God made you to enjoy it and expected you to enjoy it, you're not doing a thing wrong at all, you're just fulfilling God's laws, His natural laws, His emotional laws, physical laws. You can enjoy it without compunction, without being conscience-stricken or condemned or anything else.

"The Apostle Paul brings out very clearly that the business of the Devil is to try to bring condemnation . And that's why he says, 'blessed is the man who condemneth not himself in the thing which he alloweth' (Rom.14:22). Blessed is the man! In other words, if you know it's right and God-ordained and God-made … then you don't have to be condemned and you don't have to be conscience-stricken or have feelings of wrongdoing, because you know it's of the Lord " (ML #1339:38,39).

* So don't let the Enemy condemn you or make you feel carnal or "unspiritual" if you enjoy and desire sex.

"It's not a sin to enjoy sex! It's not a sin to enjoy good food. It's not a sin to look on the beauty of the naked body of a woman, or a man if you're a woman, and it's not a sin to enjoy beautiful sights and sounds and pleasurable feelings, tastes and fragrances" (ML #1035:20).

* On the other hand, don't let the Devil condemn you if you don't feel particularly sexy.

"There are some people who just aren't normally sexual or sexy, so they ought to accept themselves the way they are, quit trying, just act natural, be themselves, quit trying to be somebody they're not. Get interested in the Lord's work and put your energies into something more profitable, instead of just trying to be sexy when you don't feel sexy or trying to be something that you aren't.

"Ninety-eight percent of life is not sex! So why not enjoy the other ninety-eight percent instead of letting two percent ruin all your enjoyment of life and all your pleasure? Sex is not the greatest thing in life! Serving the Lord is the greatest thing in life! Serving others is the greatest thing in life!" (ML #1923:5,7).

* ?Warm, fulfilling, exciting lovemaking is not a result of knowing a specific set of techniques. It's not a "do this, don't do that" affair. It is a reflection of love, emotion, humility, warmth, passion, tenderness, honesty and concern for the other person. The best lover may not be the most experienced, but rather the one who cares for his or her partner with real outgoing concern, and is able to prefer his or her partner's happiness and pleasure.

Give real love. "Sex can only last so long without real unselfish love, and if they don't get that, sooner or later it's going to sour" (ML #560:38).

* Relax. Don't try to be something you're not. Just be natural and be honest.

Take your time. Don't be in a hurry. "There is hardly anything that can be enjoyed in a hurry!--A glass of wine, a walk, a talk, a ride, a view, a meal or an embrace! Go slow, take your time, you'll enjoy it more--even lovemaking! You'll get more out of life!" (ML #11:1,21).

* If you're inexperienced at sex, remember that no one is expecting you to suddenly be an expert or a "super lover." Sex and lovemaking is an art, and it takes time and experience to learn. Just go slow, don't push it, and enjoy yourself.

* Affection on a day-to-day basis lays the foundation for a good sexual relationship. Both partners are more likely to be responsive in sex when tender hugs and kisses are part of everyday life, not just the signal for or a prelude to sex.

* Develop mutual interests with your friends/lovers beyond sex. Sex is an important part of life, but it takes more than sex to make a good relationship. People who spend more quality time together will usually enjoy more satisfying sexual fellowship together.

* Having nonsexual fellowship together can make your times of sexual intimacy flow more easily and naturally, as you feel more comfortable with each other. Have a nice dinner together. Take a walk. Read the latest Word together. Have breakfast and fellowship together on free day. Doing such things should not be reserved only for those who are married or in love with each other, but are pleasurable ways to cultivate friendship and simply enjoy life.

* Be thoughtful and considerate. The best way to ensure loving sex is to work at building a thoughtful, loving relationship that encompasses more than just physical love. If you become more loving, your sexual fellowship with others will improve.

* Staying in good health, exercising regularly and avoiding stress and worry can help you enjoy better sex.

* A good love relationship, if you are in one, does take at least some attention. Chronic extreme busyness and exhaustion from overwork can dull even the most satisfying relationships. Try to set aside at least a little time each week, dedicated to spending time with your partner.

* Some people prefer sexual fellowship to be spontaneous. While that's fine and perhaps the ideal , if you find that your "spontaneity" isn't working, there's nothing wrong with making a conscious effort to spend intimate time together. Planning your dates ahead of time might actually help to put you in the mood, as you'll be able to anticipate and prepare for it. Such anticipation can be quite a turn-on for some.

* Remember, it takes time to get to know one another. As your relationship grows and you feel closer to each other spiritually and can more easily be open and honest with each other, your time spent together in sexual fellowship will become more satisfying. You'll probably have your best sexual fellowship with the people you know fairly well.

* Either the man or the woman can make the first move to initiate sex. Sometimes the man will be the seducer, sometimes the woman the seductress. Neither sex should expect the other to always make the first move.

* One sexual therapist concludes, "In my interviews with hundreds of men and women, the results were clear: Women generally prefer slow foreplay, long kisses and cuddling, while men generally prefer spontaneity and physical passion." So do both and both will be happy.

"The basic need of both sexes is real love. The greatest need of all is love. 'The greatest of these is love' (1Cor.13:13), but the way a man needs to have his love expressed is different from the way a woman most wants her love expressed" (ML #529:9, DB7).

* "Concentration is one of the keys to being good in bed," emphasizes one woman. "I force myself to concentrate on what I'm doing. I become totally involved with the movements I'm making."

Dad said: "I think we have more satisfaction and more satisfying sex in the Family than anywhere! Where can you get really satisfying sex without love? We have sexual freedom along with love! The world goes outside of marriage and they pretend and they think they've got sexual freedom and liberty and license, when actually they're bound with that craving for sex. But it is never satisfied, actually, because sex can never be truly satisfying without love!" (ML #1398:50).

"One of the fringe benefits, I'd say major benefits of our Family, is that we really have got it and we really can enjoy it!-- Everything that God has given us, PTL! We've got it all ! They have got nothing on us. The Devil tries to pretend, 'Follow me and I'll give you all of this pleasure and sex and money, blah blah!' He's got nothing on us at all …" (ML #2399:66).

"Sex can be just a selfish thing, just because you need it and want it. But to give a person love and affection and cuddles to show that you love them, that's something that's beyond and more than and even greater than sex. That's real love , to show you love them" (ML #2445:6).

Responsibility:

The responsibility that comes with having sex is an important issue. Although it's common knowledge that intercourse can cause conception, (and in some known cases, even just heavy foreplay if the penis gets close to the vaginal opening) many people find it easier to ignore this possibility and proceed "with their fingers crossed," so to speak. This kind of attitude often results in an unexpected pregnancy, which leads to people needing to take responsibility that they don't feel they're ready for.

Throughout this publication there are ideas for alternatives to intercourse, mainly to provide information about sexual play that you can engage in with a person who you cannot or would not marry if a child did result. The goal is not to downplay the wonderful gift from Heaven that babies are, but rather to ensure that babies conceived have a caring mother and father who have prayed through their relationship and responsibilities together, as much as possible.

Another part of maturity in sex is not expecting the other person to bear all the responsibility for possible pregnancy. Both partners should be sensitive that they don't put pressure on the other to do anything that they're not comfortable with or don't have the faith for. It will take a little time beforehand to discuss these issues together, but unless you have both decided that you want to have a child together and be married, it is in your own interests to talk about ways other than intercourse to bring each other pleasure and satisfaction. The bottom line is, if you have not talked about it together beforehand and decided beforehand that you want to fuck and you're willing to have a child together, then don't fuck! (See also "Talking Sex with Your Partner.")

* One Second Generation man illustrated the above point, saying: "We're very free about sex, but a lot of people don't really know how to have fun, yet not do more than they intended to do. Lots of times people just go ahead and fuck because either they don't know what else to do, or they haven't talked about it. It's also popular to have 'just let it happen sex,' that is, when you meet someone and they want to have sex, you just do it without really thinking about the consequences.

"I guess I'm the perfect example of what I'm talking about. There was a young woman I had dates with for awhile but on our dates I never came. I guess I should have said something but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know very well how to masturbate her either but I somehow managed to do it! Anyway on our last date we went all the way. That's not to say there was anything inherently wrong with it, but the problem was we didn't talk about it--it just happened. But she was going to a different country, so if she had gotten pregnant I wouldn't have been able to be there to be the father.

"All that to say, it's very easy to go all the way, thinking it's what the other person wants, but with no real guidance, just floating on the currents of feelings and emotions."

When you make a decision to have intercourse, you need to have faith to have a baby. The problem is many young people say they have faith to not get pregnant. They think, "Oh, I'll go ahead and fuck, because I don't believe I will get pregnant. I have the faith for it." Well, that's not the right way to look at it. You shouldn't think you have the faith to not get pregnant, you should ask yourself if you have the faith to get pregnant, because there have been many who said they had the faith to not get pregnant who ended up pregnant!

Be careful about sending subtle vibes to your partner or making demands on your partner to the effect that you won't or can't be satisfied with anything but intercourse. There are plenty of other ways to have fun and find satisfaction in sex, so long as you are willing to humble yourself and communicate and experiment together.

As a single, before having sex with someone (or if you are married, with someone other than your spouse) you should personally decide what your position is concerning the counsel in "Go for the Gold," and then stick to it. Don't allow yourself to make irresponsible decisions every time an attractive person comes along and you're struck by physical desire. As a single, don't decide that you wouldn't mind being attached to another person should you have a child, unless you're sure that he or she shares the same sentiments. By the same token, don't just "chance" it with someone, hoping that a baby will not result. Being responsible about sex is wise and loving.

Plenty of women get pregnant the first time they have sexual intercourse. A woman can also get pregnant by having the man's penis inside even if the man does not ejaculate, because during lovemaking the penis constantly leaks small amounts of semen (with lots and lots of sperm), even before ejaculation. Getting pregnant could and might happen to you if you have the man's penis inside of you, so be sure to seek the Lord, and act according to your faith!

For singles, if you haven't talked with the person you'll be sharing with before a date about having intercourse, then you should not have intercourse during the date. The decision to go all the way is an important one that could result in the creation of a child which will need to be parented. You should not fuck unless both partners together have made the decision to do so before the date begins, with the understanding that if pregnancy occurs the Lord expects you to get married in most cases. Unless you are pretty certain that you want to marry the person you are having the date with, it would be better to avoid intercourse.

Please reread "Mama's Memo!--No. 4" in GN 748, which is a summary of the practical applications of the Go for the Gold message.

Sex Etiquette:

* If you have arranged to spend some time with someone, please try to be on time. If you are going to be late, inform them ahead of time so they're not left wondering if you're even going to show up! And definitely don't forget if you've arranged a date, as that can really hurt the other person!

* Your sex life is a personal matter, and the details of what you do on a date with someone should not be loosely discussed with others or spread around. If you do, it can backfire on you, or hurt your partner or others. Your partner may find out and most likely will not appreciate you informing others of his/her sexual preferences. Or, you could unknowingly be talking with someone who also has dates with that person, and what you share with them could cause them trials or make them compare. So keep it to yourself!

There are times when you do need to confide in a shepherd or respected elder, but choose your confidant wisely and make sure they are responsible and not prone to gossip. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

(Senior teens please remember that in the explanation of point F. of the Sex and Affection Rules in the Charter, it says: "We are permitting you [seniors] to partake of sexual sharing within the 16-20 year age range with the understanding that you will agree to be shepherded by the adults, and that you will be open and honest about your questions, tests and trials." This makes it clear that you senior teens are expected to allow yourselves to be shepherded in your sexual sharing so you can get counsel and support from your shepherds.)

Here are further excerpts from the GN "Teen Sex Policies" about the benefit of being open to shepherding:

[Peter:] "When speaking to the adults about the need to shepherd you young people, the Lord reminded us of the old saying that a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from the mistakes of others. As Mama explained in her Letter 'Serve One Another in Love,'… we are hoping that you young people will be open to the shepherding you're given and prayerfully consider it. You have a lot to gain by learning from the lessons the adults can offer, as most adults have had much more experience with these affairs of the heart, and as a result the Lord has given them a fair bit of wisdom and understanding.

"…Remember, it's not just our teens who need shepherding; you adults will need shepherding as well. Just because the Love Charter is in effect doesn't mean that shepherding is out and everyone is free to do their own thing! I don't want anyone to misunderstand and to all of a sudden think they can say 'hands off' to their Home teamworkers when they try to shepherd and counsel them. Nor do I want you teamworkers to back off from your shepherding of the sheep" (GN 649:29 and ML #2978:125b).

No one should ever feel obligated or pressured when having sexual fellowship. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

Point H of the Sex and Affection Rules in the Charter says:

"Members may only engage in sexual activities that are mutually agreed upon by both partners, and permitted for their age group. No one should force or in any way coerce a sexual partner to participate in any sexual activity that they do not desire to engage in.

"As explained earlier, sexual activities are to occur only if both parties are consenting. This clause covers any specific sexual activities which one partner may not feel comfortable engaging in. For example, if a man particularly likes having a woman perform oral sex on him, but she doesn't like it, the man should not try to badger or in any way try to coerce her to do so.

"Simply stated, people should not force or try to coerce their sexual partners to do things that they don't want to do. To do so is unloving and unkind.

"If a woman or man does not want to share sexually with someone, they should not feel pressured or coerced into doing so."

Go slow and don't put unrealistic demands on each other. Never make the person you're with feel obligated or forced to do anything! This is especially important advice for men, because they are often willing to experiment more freely and more quickly than women are.

* Stay positive, don't compare, and don't expect too much of people. Even if there's no big drama or super fireworks between you and one of your dates, the sexual fellowship you share can still be sweet and loving.

* One 22-year-old woman put it this way: "Some people just click sexually and other people don't. Everybody is different. Sometimes the sexual chemistry is there, sometimes it isn't. So it's not fair to anybody to judge who's 'good' or who's not."

* Another woman said: "Even though you don't see fireworks on a first date (or even after the first few dates), and you might feel very awkward due to nervousness, if you give it some time and experiment and communicate honestly, you can still eventually end up with a very fun, satisfying sex partner. Sometimes you just gotta keep at it!"

* "One of the most important things the Lord wants you to learn … is that you can be Jesus and His Love for the people you share with, and they can be Jesus and His Love for you. You can be a channel that the Lord can use to show your brothers or sisters how much He loves them. If you're looking at sharing in this light--that you are Jesus loving one another--then it won't matter so much if the person that you are going to share with is someone you 'click' with or is someone who is handsome or homely, beautiful or ordinary in the flesh, because it will become a matter of the Spirit. This attitude will give you a whole new outlook on the Law of Love, because you will be loving Jesus and giving His Love to another. The love, kisses and caresses you receive will be from Jesus, and this will cause you to praise and thank Him" (ML#3033:189). (See also the section "Spiritual Sex.")

* A young woman had this to say: "It'd be nice if men and women both could work on broadening their definition of the term 'date,' to mean more than just having sex together. For example: Spending time together with someone of the opposite sex, reading, taking a walk, going to a movie, eating a special dinner, going for a swim, talking together. Don't get me wrong; if I'm with a guy I'm probably going to want to have sex with him--whether we do other activities or not, ha--but it would be nice if the scale that's been way overbalanced on the one side (i.e., that date equals only sex,) could be tipped a little the other way, where the men and the women are geared to some foreplay outside the bedroom as well." (And ladies and gents, if your partner suggests an evening walk before your bedroom activities, try to respond positively. It makes for more quality sex in the long run.)

Another practice of love and good manners is thanking the mate of the married person you had a date with. And if you share regularly with that person, then try to thank his wife or her husband regularly. It helps you to continue to appreciate the sacrifice on their part, and sends the reassuring message that you receive the gift as from both of them. Like the quote says, "We give joy to the giver when we become the grateful receiver. Thus, as paradoxical as it may seem, in receiving there is giving. The noble receiver is the noble giver."

* On your first date, keep things simple. Don't feel you have to experiment with a lot of new ideas or techniques, or perform some kind of sexual acrobatics to impress your partner. Just relax, get to know each other, and enjoy yourself!

Talking Sex with Your Partner:

* Good communication is one of the most important factors in a satisfying sexual relationship.

Be honest. "It takes humility to be honest. And as I've already said, it especially takes humility to be honest about sex ." (ML #1922:7b).

Dad says: "…I want you to be honest. Be yourselves, honest with the Lord, honest with others. Be open and honest and confess not only your sins and faults one toward another, but your legitimate needs! That is a little humbling. But humility is real good for your pride; it really helps blow it away and melt it. All that cold, hard ice can melt in the heat and warmth of love and honesty and humility and even sex, because it's of the Lord." (ML #1922:21).

* Someone once said, "The path to passion starts with a clear road map." If you expect your partner to just read your mind, you'll probably be disappointed.

* The more open you are about your desires, the easier it is for your partner to please you, which is, after all, what he or she wants to do.

* The Marvelous Marriage book says: "Effectiveness in conveying one's preferences and feelings about sex is the key to a good sex life. Communicating about sex means that you are revealing your most intimate personal needs, feelings, and wishes, an extremely difficult feat for most of us. But it is possible to bring up the subject and to talk about what you need from each other. Some people will be more direct and straightforward when discussing sex; others will be extremely shy or uncomfortable. The important thing to remember is that no matter what your style--direct, subtle, shy, or embarrassed--a specific conversation about your needs is essential.

"Usually in the first stage of a relationship, couples try nonverbal means of telling each other what feels good. Touching and guiding of hands, heads, and bodies is what we typically do to tell each other how we like things to go. Nonverbal methods work--up to a point--but many of us don't pick up on the clues we're given because they're not clear or specific enough. Talking, then, is still the best and most direct way of knowing for sure that his sexual needs, and yours, will be met.

"What is the best time and place to talk about sex? Many men feel that the easiest place is anywhere but bed. The timing is also important. One woman said: 'I can talk with more detachment about sex in a public place. It's also a turn-on for both of us'" (Marvellous Marriage, page 217).

* In the initial stages of a relationship, both women and men may find it difficult to discuss their intimate preferences. And even with sexual openness between partners, it often seems less intimate to interact sexually than it is to talk about it.

However, opening up the communication early in a relationship can only bring positive results. This is true regardless of whether the relationship turns out to be ongoing. If it does not progress beyond a number of dates or evenings together, at least both of you will have experienced pleasurable times together. If it does continue for months or years, you will have learned the kind of communication necessary to maintain a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

* Asking your partner directly about ways to communicate would be most comfortable as it avoids having to guess. When communication is done with caring and with the desire to better know and please one another, it is almost always well received. The more you get out of sex, the more you will desire sex, and the more active and interested you will be in the lovemaking. All of this will ultimately add to your partner's sexual enjoyment as well. A bored and frustrated sexual partner can severely dampen sexual pleasure, and anything that helps to prevent misunderstandings is bound to have a positive effect.

* Ask for specifics. Suppose you would like to do something that you haven't tried together before, but nothing, so far, has been brought up about the subject? How do you go about saying what you'd like? One woman suggests asking a man: "What do you know that I don't know?" "This," she says, "is a no-fail method, a sure way of getting him to say what he wants. You then can tell him what you want. Most men are happy to show their sexual expertise by teaching you what they think you don't know, and it also gives them the chance to explore things they may have wanted to try but have been afraid to ask."

* A lot of people find it enormously difficult to discuss sex with their partner. Maybe they're afraid of what they'll find out! "I like it when you … " is a good start to a great conversation. Being shy about divulging personal thoughts on so personal a subject is perfectly normal.

* Ah, that rare gem, a woman who knows what she wants and tells you! Input is not criticism! Women don't come with instruction manuals, so when she makes suggestions to you, don't act as though you know it already. You don't. Every woman is different. It can't be said enough! However, if being "told" to do something in bed makes you feel like less of a man, ask her to "beg" you instead. You might be pleasantly surprised. A lot of couples find this kind of role-playing extremely erotic!

* Some people--out of nervousness, shyness, embarrassment, or fear of being judged too aggressive--are reluctant to make their desires known. But there is evidence that people who communicate what they want in sex are actually more exciting to their partners. The more uninhibited you are, the more uninhibited your partner will feel he or she can be, which means you'll both have more fun!

* If you are very shy or nervous, the best thing to do is to express just that to your partner, either before your date or when you first meet. It's amazing how admitting you are very nervous can relax you more quickly than if you try to pretend you are not. Confessing your fears by committing them to the Lord together can greatly diminish the tension and put the two of you much more at ease with one another.

* How you communicate your desires can make a big difference. Talk about your sexual desires or needs or wishes in a sensitive, caring manner. Blunt instructions or too many instructions while actually making love can easily embarrass or put your partner off by making them feel like they're real clumsy and not pleasing you at all. If this happens too often, it can cause your sexual relationship to go sour, as your partner will likely get discouraged and give up.

So instead of saying, "Now touch me here, go lighter there, that's not right, move your leg, ouch, you're hurting me, you're pulling my hair, I've told you how to do that, do it like I said to...," you might try something more like: "Mmmmm, that feels so nice. Would you keep doing that and touch me here?"

* A lot can be communicated through body language. Increased breathing, sighing, moaning etc., by which your partner can tell that they're getting it right. If you can't bring yourself to say out loud that you like something, or that what your partner is doing is really turning you on, you can at least make it known through body language. Careful observation can reveal many things in lovemaking, and if you tune in to your partner, you can often tell or anticipate what he or she likes. Sometimes a certain action that they do to you , they would like you to do for them . Although it would be easier to simply say what they like, if they can't put it into words, they may drop "hints" here and there that you'll be able to pick up if you're being observant.

* If you have something to talk about that's a little complicated concerning someone's style of lovemaking--a question or a tip that can't be explained in just a few words--you might want to try discussing it when you're not actually making love. This way the person isn't put on the spot, but instead has a chance to understand and get used to what you're saying, and they don't feel embarrassed, "threatened," put on the spot, or that their performance is displeasing or unsatisfactory to you.

* Don't talk about your "complaints" to your lover immediately before, during or immediately after making love. That's when your partner is likely to feel the most vulnerable, and you may end up hurting his or her feelings. And the problem is, when someone gets hurt in this manner, it's a little hard to pull out if it.

* To introduce a little spice into your love life, try reading something sexy together--either some fitting MO Letters, the Marvelous Marriage book, or even this book. As you read, you can comment to each other about what you like, what turns you on, what you'd like to try, etc. If you're a little shy, this approach opens the door to talk about these subjects and makes it easier for you to make your needs and desires known.

* Talking isn't only mental foreplay for women, but a secret weapon you both can use all throughout your evening.

* Some say that talking is half the fun of sex. Whispering sexy comments can be a real turn-on for your partner. Don't be bashful about making some noise while making love, and don't worry that you're going to say something stupid or embarrassing! Cut loose and have fun!

* As one man put it, "Nothing arouses me more than a woman who is aggressively seductive, who tells me what she wants, says she can't wait, wants to make love now. (Then, if she's smart, she'll make me wait.) Seductive talk is best when it's prolonged. In the bedroom, don't immediately strip and dive in. Move slowly, languorously. Tantalize him. Ask him if he'd like you to slip off your sweater. Ask what he'd like to see next. Be funny, naughty, creative. When you bare your breasts, ask if he wishes he could touch them. Your nudity will excite him; your words will inflame him."

* One of the most exciting things in lovemaking is when people talk and express the tender feelings of their hearts. It can be humbling to tell your partner that he or she really turns you on, or that you are really enjoying yourself, as you don't always know if the same feelings are reciprocated in your partner. But they often are, or at least people appreciate and enjoy savoring the love part of lovemaking and communicating those tender feelings of the heart, so don't be shy or afraid to say those sweet things that the Lord puts on your heart during lovemaking. Remember, "love wasn't put in your heart to stay, love isn't love until you give it away."

It can be much easier to be verbally affectionate with your partner if you're also saying love words to the Lord while making love. (See also "Spiritual Sex.")

* After sharing intimate sexual fellowship most people are eager for a few words of praise, encouragement and acceptance, so try not to clam up after lovemaking is over. One man described his need for verbal communication after lovemaking like this: "I'm probably like most men in being boyishly eager for approval as I lie panting beside a woman, drawn and spent. This is a perfect time to sigh, whisper, trace the curve of his shoulder with your fingertips."

Be humble enough to not only thank and praise the Lord, but also your partner! We all need lots and lots of appreciation!

* A young man on the subject of verbalizing says, "If a woman whispers sexy things in your ear, there is nothing like it; things like 'you're sexy' or 'I really like how you make me feel.' Don't say anything insincere, but if there is something that you feel, by all means say it."

For most women, talking is an essential part of good lovemaking. In fact, words can be the strongest aphrodisiac of all. They're indispensable in the process of seduction and arousal, they can deepen the physical satisfaction of sex itself, and they can foster the after-sex warmth and intimacy that women long for. Given all this versatility and potential, it's amazing that verbal communication is so neglected.

* There's more to talking during sex than just words. Talking tells a woman that you're interested in her as a person, not just a vehicle for sexual fulfillment. Women want to know that men care about their feelings, their reactions, during the act of love. When you encourage a woman to express those feelings, you show that you care about her; you're not so focused on yourself and your pleasure that her reactions are unimportant.

* When saying words of love to your partner, the best thing to talk about is her, the things you like about her. Say something personal. Don't talk about what you're doing or what you're going to do. That becomes commentary. Tell her what feels good, tell her how it feels. Gently provide instructions. Always encourage never demand.

Words can make lovemaking smoother--it can help you inform each other about what gives pleasure. Some women are aroused by explicit sexual requests.--They inhibit others. You just have to test the waters.

Most of the time, you need to tell a woman what gives you pleasure, and encourage her to do the same for you. There's no reason why you should have to rely only on moans and groans. A moan can't tell you to go faster or to use a different motion, or to do the same thing a little to the left.

* "There's something very reassuring about a woman who communicates her pleasure," says one man. "It's like she's in an airport control tower and she's 'talking you in' to a smooth landing. 'I love it when you do that,' she'll say. Or, 'Don't stop.' Or, 'Kiss me there.'" (Women enjoy that open communication during lovemaking as much as men.)

* Honesty becomes absolutely imperative once you get into bed in order to ensure a good time is had by all. Be sure to frequently ask as you try different styles of foreplay or sex positions, "What do you want? Do you like this? Is this any better? How do you feel?" And there is nothing like a little opening of the heart in pillow-talk afterwards.

* Look her in the eye and tell her that you love her. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she has a beautiful spirit. Tell her that she's tender. If she's being tender and loving you just the way you like it, tell her so! 'I just love how you're being tender. I love that, I love the way you kiss.' Use sincerity and warmth and you'll melt her.

* One woman commented, "I think it's incredibly sexy when I'm masturbating or sucking a man and he responds verbally. It gives me vicarious pleasure to know how good I'm making him feel by the words he's saying. And then when he's near orgasm, for him to beg in pleading ones, 'Oh please don't stop,' is such a turn-on."

* Says a second-generation man: "I have been in situations where we had to be quiet so as not to disturb others. But one woman I made love to would squeeze me real tight when having an orgasm, and I really liked that. She definitely expressed it when she came, although not verbally.

"A lot of us young people over the years have been accustomed to being very quiet, but I've found that it's actually kind of fun to make noise. I think it's really fun to make all the noise you want, to let your partner know that you're having a blast. Not super loud, but just to enjoy it and not to be so conservative to where it's so quiet that you wonder, 'Did anything happen?' or 'Are they feeling anything at all?'"

* To your partner, how you express yourself sexually--vocally--is important. She wants to hear how excited you are by being with her just as much as you want to hear how excited she is by being with you! Don't overlook how arousing groaning, ecstatic cries (even, sometimes, sexually explicit language) can be to your partner.

* Words are everything! If your partner has beautiful breasts or hair, tell her. It's very important to give encouragement during sex. For example: Often men's favorite sexual position is the woman on top. This is often women's least favorite! Why? Women are painfully self-conscious about their bodily imperfections. Being on top makes you feel HIGHLY VISIBLE. Most men don't realize that in the absence of any feedback, women are apt to think the worst. While you're having a great time looking at your partner, she's thinking, "I know he's looking at my stomach. Oh dear, why didn't I do those sit-ups?" or, "My breasts. There he is, looking at my breasts. I just know he's thinking they're smaller or bigger than his last girlfriend's!" That's why--if you want her to be enthusiastic about having sex in certain positions--you have to learn how to give a compliment. Fear is the greatest deterrent to sexual happiness.

A woman confirmed when she added: "By nature I'm the gushy, outgoing, talkative type. Maybe it's just me, but it's so unnerving to go through a date where the guy doesn't give you much or any feedback on if what you are doing is pleasing to him or if he is enjoying himself. When that happens, you just have to assume everything, and make guesses. Maybe he enjoyed himself, but maybe he didn't. You can never really be sure unless he expresses it verbally, and if he doesn't say much, of course, you always imagine the worst! It's a great source of worry. I suppose it works both ways, if a woman isn't giving the guy any feedback they probably feel the same way, but maybe because some women just have the tendency to take everything the wrong way, it affects them more."

* Here is more on praising our wonderful men: "Man's ego is very fragile and before, during and just after lovemaking are prime times to bolster that ego with compliments. Try to develop a sense of wonder at his personal construction. Cary Grant? No. But still uniquely beautiful in his originality. Verbalize your discoveries. Praise his sexual prowess. Even great lovers need to have their talents reaffirmed, and your man is not immune to being told how terrific he is."

* Okay, when's the last time you said "I love you?" Hmmm? Well, if you do want to express your love and appreciation for the person you're with, this is a very special opportunity to do so.-- Especially during orgasm--your partner's or yours. It's the kind of thing writers of romantic fiction love to detail in their novels. You're never more vulnerable than when you're having an orgasm with someone else, so why not go the extra mile and let your partner know how you feel?

Talking about what you would like to do to one another can act as a form of erotic stimulation. What's essential is to develop some comfortable means of communicating sexual preferences, whether it be verbal or nonverbal. At the same time, it is important to realize that the first few attempts at communication, no matter what method is used, are likely to be somewhat awkward.

* A female sex therapist relates: "Many men I've talked with have confessed that they learned to talk about sex from a female lover, and they remain indebted to her. Some of these men said that if it hadn't been for a particular woman they might never have known what a woman liked sexually. These men were often too shy or too afraid of their lover's response to ask her directly, and they appreciated her willingness to take the lead.

"Try not to let your partner's awkwardness or discomfort intimidate you. Don't give up because you feel self-conscious, just continue to experiment with different approaches. Sometimes comfort takes time to develop. The initial awkwardness is natural when trying anything new, like riding a bicycle for the first time or asking someone out for a date. With practice, things get easier, and in the end, the ongoing satisfaction is worth the initial strain and discomfort."

* Any couple's sex life can get into a rut after a period of time. Making alterations can sometimes provide a refreshing change. Just talking about sex and thinking about it at various times during the day can enhance your relationship.

Altering sexual habits in a longstanding relationship often requires considerable time and patience. Changes are unlikely to happen overnight, and they are even more unlikely to take hold after only one or two attempts. It requires constant attention to break sexual patterns that have been established over a period of years.

* ?Talking about sex intimately, openly, and honestly results in improving a couple's ability to talk about other issues more directly. Sex is one of the most personal and difficult areas to discuss. However, once progress has been made in this area, it seems that more honest, open communication takes place in less emotionally charged areas as well.

* Before confronting any embarrassment you may have about describing your particular sexual preferences, imagine how your partner could best tell you how he/she would like you to make love to them. Consider how your feelings might be hurt--anticipate ways in which your partner might tell you that could cause you to feel clumsy, inept, or inadequate. Then imagine how you could be told so that you felt loved and important. What words or phrases would encourage you to follow your partner's instructions with enthusiasm? Then use this information to open the communication lines with your partner.

See also the section "Spiritual Sex."

What Turns a Man On:

* Many men have commented that the thing that most turns them on is when the woman gets turned on.

* "Every person has something you can appreciate," says a New York professional. "Even if he's not Brad Pitt or Robert Redford, you can make him feel like a star if you tell him the ways he really is lovable. And make sure to show a great deal of affection and care. After all, aren't most people starved for affection?"

* Women can take the initiative in sex and be the sexual aggressor now and then. Men love it when a woman isn't afraid to show that she loves sex. Besides, when a man always has to be the initiator, he's always the one who has to risk rejection. He'll love a woman for being willing to put herself on the line the same way. And she'll learn why it's so important for him to have his overtures sensitively received.

Men are easily turned on by visual stimulation. They can get sexually excited at the mere sight of a physically attractive woman. Dad says: "A man can look at a beautiful woman, and just one look can so move his emotions as to affect his physical body with feelings of love and a desire for lovemaking so that it actually can make him begin to erect just through looking !--He can get an erection from a mere look without any physical contact whatsoever!" (ML #307:40)

* So, women, don't underestimate the importance of looking your best when you have intimate time with a man. This doesn't mean you have to spend lots of time getting all dolled up or dressing fancy. Preparing for your dates doesn't have to be time-consuming, but the little things you do to make yourself attractive will be very appreciated.

You can wear a little makeup and perfume and soften your skin with lotion and/or powder, if desired. Also, rather than always showing up for your fellowship time together in your jogging suit or the jeans that you've been wearing all day, try wearing something sexy or sensual. You don't have to wear lingerie or anything fancy for dates, especially if you don't happen to have that type of date-time clothing. It can be quite sexy to wear a bathrobe, a sarong draped tastefully, a silky or soft-to-touch blouse and panties, a dress with no panties, a man's long shirt and stockings, etc. Use your imagination!--And his as well!

(Men should also look attractive. Avoid wearing that baggy pair of old "holy" underwear; rather, wear your bathrobe, silk boxer shorts, or simply a nice towel. Some women really like a man in a nice pair of jeans with a button-down shirt on unbuttoned, or no shirt at all.) Man or woman, whatever you decide to wear, try to look your best for your partner. Your partner will appreciate the effort you make to be clean and attractive.

* Many men do enjoy seeing a woman in a filmy sexy negligee. These little outfits can often accentuate your strong points. Taking something like this off slowly, revealing your body one part at a time can be a real turn-on. Even making love with them still partially on can be real fun. Some men like total nudity, others don't and then again probably most like variety.

Here is some counsel from Dad on the look that will drive your man wild: "Don't show him everything all at once, girls! Partial and frequently varied revelations are apt to hold his interest and curiosity longer than all that naked and unvarnished truth staring him constantly in the face! This is the whole principle of the time-honored profession of strip-teasing--how to prolong the agony and the ecstasy by the excitingly slow and tantalizingly teasing graceful and gradual disrobing of the female form!

"A graceful drape through which the nipples are obviously protruding…is often even more beautiful and provocative than just plain nakedness!

"Long straight hair hanging naturally down a woman's back or falling gracefully over her shoulders is not only extremely beautiful but terribly exciting, even sexy and provocative! There's just something about letting your hair down that really does it and turns us on! It's just like the rest of the way God made you: It's absolutely glorious!" (ML #250:4;1012:3;250:10)

For more of Dad's excellent tips on this subject, please see "Revolutionary Women," ML 250.

* Men often enjoy your long hair down during the date, but you could wear it up in a pretty hairdo when you first come for your date. Some men quite enjoy seeing you let your hair down in a tantalizing way, especially if you let it run softly across their bodies.

* Remember, ladies, your partner is turned on by what he sees . So try to have some light in the room, such as candlelight, moonlight or a dim night light. Allowing his eyes to roam all over your body might be the single most passionate gesture you can make. So for both your sakes, "let there be light "!

A young man confirms this by saying: "If you ever wonder why it seems that a man's piece of 'machinery' is only running at half capacity maybe it's because a good part of the input system is not running, his eyes ! You don't have to be under a spotlight, but a little light to cast a soft glow across your warm body creates a silhouette that makes erotic images dance in his mind, as he wonders who this sexy woman is!"

* One young man in his early twenties had this to offer: "Sometimes people have a stigma that guys are just in it for the sex. In a lot of cases it's true--we do need sex! But oftentimes sex can be more than that; it can be a time of real communication. For me, the most exciting thing about a woman is her mind. It's fun to fool around and do all this other stuff as well, but it's really the mind that makes the connection."

* Women, concentrate on your man! Observe his responses very carefully so you can give him even more of what he really likes. Every man has his own personal hot spots and turn-ons. Find out what his are and play on them. Learn to read his pleasure barometer so you'll know what to do more of. Your man may pant when he becomes very excited. His stomach muscles may become tighter, his testicles harder, or his nipples more pronounced. Maybe he moans and groans, or shudders.

Get to know your man's personal preferences so you can play him like a finely tuned instrument. The music you make will give both of you extraordinary pleasure. And the more you give, the more you'll get.

* A woman expressively expounds upon the joy a woman can experience, giving her all to a man in bed: "We can't be so busy in bed getting 'satisfied' that we forget our responsibilities as women. Remember that there are two in that bed and it's just as important to give the man a wonderful experience sexually as it is to receive it. Pin up on your bed, your mirror, your wall, a sign, lady, until you know it in every part of your being: We were designed to delight, excite and satisfy the male of the species. Real women know this.

"When you are able to joyfully and tenderly offer up every square inch of yourself for him to feast upon and when you are able to use sweetly your erotically skilled body as a sensual instrument to satiate his appetite, then you will find that you will receive a piercingly beautiful pleasure in return. For he will be unable to help rising to the occasion and matching your complete sensuality. No one has more to gain from giving than a woman. Giving can carry you to paradise. A 'gimme, gimmie' attitude in bed can win you mediocre sex or worse--no sex at all. He's quite likely to find a more responsive partner."

* Do unto him what he does unto you. Make mental notes of the special places that he touches you and the way he does it; then later do the same to him. If he plants light butterfly kisses on your eyelids, you could do the same for him. If he twirls your nipples slowly between thumb and forefinger, he could be signaling that he has sensitive nipples himself and would welcome your reciprocal nipple massage. Without realizing it, your man could be telling you what he likes in bed by doing it to you first; it's a subconscious urge we all have. And you can use it to give him pleasure.

* An author gives the women some further tips on touching: "Oh those lovely hands of yours. How they can excite. Never, never let your hands be idle during lovemaking. There is always some area of his body you can reach to set on fire with your touch. Exploring every part of his body with loving hands will increase your sense of intimacy. Memorize all the variations of skin texture, from the roughness of his legs to the miraculously velvety feel of the head of the penis. There is so much of him to discover. After a while you should be able to pick out a man blindfolded by using your tactile memory. If you've been sitting on your hands, get up off your pretty behind and start giving them a workout. Your hands are important lovemaking instruments and, used artistically, they are a unique sexual signature."

* A man shares: "I agree that it's important to communicate about what you want, but it's nice after you've been having sex with someone for a while to not always have to tell her what to do. It's fun and exciting for me when the woman I'm with is creative.

"I think one account in the Marvelous Marriage says it all, there's one man, a 6' 2" engineer, who says that sometimes after a busy day he just likes to be 'taken care of'! It's true!--To be pleasantly surprised like that is a real turn-on. Of course that works best if you know your partner well."

* Men's inner worlds are based upon what they see, while women organize their thoughts more upon what they hear. In other words, men are visual and women are auditory. Men also--like women--want to know they are approved of and loved, they just need to "hear" this love and approval in their language of action.

What Turns a Woman On:

* Women are turned on more psychologically, romantically or emotionally. While men are more visually oriented, women are more verbally oriented.

Dad says: "Some say it's 90 percent psychological : You gotta talk 'em into it, woo them into it, inspire them into it, thrill them spiritually into it, excite them with words, music, flowers, or perfume!

"Lovemaking is hypnotic, wooing is all a part of that process of romantic hypnosis. It's partly physiological ; your body chemistry gets in the mood. But it's definitely largely psychological , because your mind and spirit sort of get in the mood too. And there's got to be something of the spirit about the eyes in wooing.

"Young men, one look and bloop!--He's ready to hop on!--Whereas she hasn't even begun to get ready yet! You've got to love and kiss her all over and love her and caress her and stroke her and squeeze her!

"It's like getting the girl ready to receive it. You pet her and you stroke her and you caress her and you love her and you kiss her and you suck her breasts and you do all these things that really get her in the mood till she's just gotta have it!--Amen?" (ML #154:73; 304:31; 2320:11,16).

* A woman of 23 explained it poetically: "The dictionary definition of foreplay is: 'Sexual stimulation intended as a prelude to sexual intercourse.' My definition of foreplay is this : looking, loving, talking, hugging, squeezing, whispering, kissing, teasing, touching, tickling, smelling, roaming, craving, mumbling, moaning, groaning, wooing, winning, giving, holding, laughing, giggling, wiggling, nibbling, lingering, gentling, licking, sucking, fondling, rubbing, playing, and most of all enjoying ."

* The difference in that men are stimulated largely visually and woman psychologically might account for the reason why many men can be ready to get into intense lovemaking almost right away , whereas women take a while to "get in the mood."

Marvelous Marriage says: "A man is like an electric light bulb --you flip a switch and on he goes. A woman is more like an electric iron --you flip a switch and it takes a little time to warm up. When you turn it off, it takes a bit of time to cool off too." (From "Sexual Differences" page 264.)

For this reason, it's nice to have a little bit of a romantic atmosphere if possible when having sexual fellowship.--Maybe a little candlelight or dim lighting, some soft music and a little wine. Use lots of tender caresses, sweet compliments and heart-to-heart conversation. And be sure to go slow!

A woman offers her opinion on the other side of the coin: "I know some who prefer the passionate and intense approach as opposed to the slow one. It's a real turn-on for me when the man knows what he wants and goes for it, sweeping you up in his passion, rather than him going so slowly and carefully, always waiting for you to initiate the next step. Women, too, are attracted by confidence and men who are not afraid of touching them."

* Another woman gives some tips on the tricky balance of knowing when to speed up and when to slow down: "One way to go slow and still make sure things don't get too drawn out, is to 'check in' with each other to see how things are progressing. Or be sensitive to little hints she may drop that indicate it's time to move along. The key is to communicate, since the guy may not know exactly what the woman prefers or doesn't prefer. So if the lovemaking is going too slow, rather than grin and bear it, ladies, please speak up in a sweet and loving way that lets the man know what you like or want."

* Being unified in heart, mind and spirit is very important. In fact, most women find it hard to feel sexually aroused when they are not emotionally at ease.

Remember, "To get real love, a woman must be wooed , not forced." (ML #335A:12)

* This is how a woman in her early twenties put it: "I guess in general you're more inspired to have dates with the guys who are gentlemen on a daily basis . That's just the way they are. They're polite, considerate and courteous. And they're not partially courteous; they're not courteous to you because they're hoping for a Saturday night date, or just because they like you, but they'll do the same thing for any woman because that's the way they are. They're just gentlemen and that speaks loud and clear. You're much more inclined to have a date with a guy like that; you'll sometimes even start thinking about it before he does. Being gentle and considerate is very attractive."

* Wooing is not just five minutes before you go to bed. Wooing is an attitude of spirit. It's something that you're doing all the time, and not just for sex. Instead of saying, "Okay, I'm going to be real nice to this woman for sex," what you need to say is, "I'm going to be nice to people in general." We men need to have a gentlemanly spirit and ask the Lord to help us to be that way: kinder, more considerate, more tender, and more loving.

* Another thing to remember is that in sex, quantity is usually more important to men, but quality is usually more important to women. Men are much more genitally oriented than women. Lovemaking for a woman is more hugging and cuddling, kissing, caressing and stroking all parts of the body.

* I think most women crave slow stimulation . Seduction is not the same thing as arousal. Seduction needs to begin hours before arousal. Sex is very closely linked with the mind for women. It's more of a physical thing for men. Women are stimulated more by touch and romantic words. To women, sex doesn't begin in the bedroom. It begins in the living room. Women see sex beginning as a tender touch, continued with affectionate words and then later climaxing in intercourse.

* A married woman in her twenties gives this tip to the men: "Compliments don't have to be physical or sexual. That's nice if that's how you're feeling. But there are other kinds of compliments that you can give that will touch a woman's heart, like qualities or attributes or talents or gifts that she has; something that does really touch your heart about her or a gift she has that impresses you. Anything that's said sincerely, I guarantee it will touch a woman's heart and eventually affect her in the bed. Even if what you said didn't have anything to do with sex; if it's genuine and loving, it really makes a difference."

* Few women say, "Well, the thing that I really look forward to is the size of the guy's penis or the positions he can use and how aggressive he is." Those aren't the things that turn the women on. Instead, it's quality . But it's not just quality of sex, it's quality of spirit .

* Many women say that a quality they'd like to see more of in their partners is "passion." "Imagination" is another one. Passion is the key to everything. Whether it's passion about your work, passion about being a good father - whatever. Here are some secrets to being passionate:

#1: Passionate men aren't afraid to make noise during sex. Passionate men make love like they've got one day to live and they take no prisoners. Passion is not necessarily tender. Sometimes it's strong, masculine and always exciting! Passion (the first of two great sexual secrets) is contagious and completely uninhibited. Webster's defines the verb "ravish" as "to transport with joy or ecstasy," and the adjective "ravishing" as "delightful; entrancing."

#2: Ravish is a close cousin to passion. It is women's number one sexual fantasy. Ravish, in this context, has nothing to do with rape. Rape is nonconsensual sex. Rape is when you persist after she says no. Ravish is when you look at your wife of fifteen years and are seized with a sudden voracious hunger for her. Ravish is when you are so overcome by her beauty and desirability you can't help it, you tackle her right there on the living room carpet and have unspeakably wonderful sex. Women's romance novels are full of ravish. With ravish there's an unspoken surrender on her part and wild-eyed desire on yours. With ravish you get rumpled clothes and a death-defying heartbeat. Ravish isn't pink, it's scarlet and black and electric blue.

* A woman offers the following definition: "Passion to me is when it seems like it's the most important thing to the guy at the moment, with all his mind and soul, to feel and touch my body with firm loving hands, holding me tight and pressing our bodies together. His mind and actions are totally focused on physical interaction, and I know he's not going to let me go anywhere!"

* There are really two things that have to happen before a woman is ready to make love. First, she has to want it. Her mind has to be made ready for it, willing to accept it, emotionally eager for it. That part is what would be called "seduction," and usually happens out of bed. The second part, maybe the easier part, is physical. She has to be "primed" to make love. Her body has to be ready for it, aching for it. That is what could be called "arousal," and usually happens in bed.

I don't think the labels matter. What does matter is that helping a woman reach the stage where she is ready for lovemaking requires attention to both her emotional and her physical needs.

Don't lose heart, men, if women sound a little complicated. Another woman adds: "Of course affection during the day and loving words and compliments certainly help add that spark when you're in bed, but for me, even just the fact that I'm desired in a sexual way can be a turn-on emotionally and physically, and is one of the greatest compliments to me as a woman."

For more on what turns a woman on [and off], see Marvelous Marriage, page 492 and 493, subtitles: "Prepare, prepare, prepare" and "Try it, you'll like it," as well as excerpts on pages 357-359.

Everyone Is Different:

* Take time to get to know the person you're with and what they like and don't like. Even if you have had lots of experience and you think you really "know what you're doing" in sex, you've got to remember that everyone is different .

Dad says: "Like happiness, lovemaking is a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and the same thing doesn't necessarily work on everybody! It takes variety--the spice of life! You've got to be honest and open with each other! Talk, converse, communicate, ask questions, give answers! Different women are pleased in different ways! Some like it one way, some another! Find out what she likes, and give it to her! Find out what he likes, and sock it to him! It's just as simple as that!" (ML #154:73).

* You also shouldn't expect every date with every person you spend time with to be "fireworks." Sometimes you really hit it off with someone and you have an exceptionally fun, sexy and fulfilling time together. On the other hand, your time with someone else might seem, by comparison, rather "ordinary," and you might be tempted to feel somewhat disappointed if your expectations are too high.

Even if you do "hit it off" with someone, don't expect every date you have with them to reach the same level of passion and excitement. It's better not to go into a date with a lot of high expectations of what it's going to be like. You could be setting yourself up for disappointment if you do.

* Broaden your expectations. I know of many people who hardly ever get a date because they are waiting for the movie ideal to walk into their life. People can come in all sorts of packages and still be sexy and lovable. Review all of your judgments of "I could never have a date with a person who...." You could be limiting your choices too severely. Broadening your expectations also means freeing yourself from roles. Don't expect your lover to behave in certain ways because of their gender or ministry. I know of men who really appreciate it when a woman takes them out for dinner and alternatively women who appreciate having a meal cooked for them. In freeing yourself from judgments and expectations, you open yourself to enjoying the new and unexpected aspects of your lover, thus broadening yourself.

* ?A woman adds: "When asked by my partner 'What do you like?'--well, we all know it's good to be honest, and I'm all for honesty, but on the other side of the coin, for me personally I sometimes am reluctant to answer this question because I don't like to be put in a box! I find it's fun to leave myself open. (Ha! No pun intended!) So it's good to avoid getting in a rut, going down your 'list' of do's and don'ts and thereby 'locking yourself in' to a certain set pattern. I find sometimes what I like with one person, I might not enjoy as well with another! One guy might kiss my breasts great, while with another--maybe that's just not his forte and I enjoy something else he does more.

So the point is: It's nice not to get stuck in a certain mindset of what you like and don't like; maybe you don't like it cause you only tried it with one person! Keep experimenting and try new things with different people."

Our Imperfect Bodies:

* It's comforting to realize that men don't expect women to have flawless bodies. Women sometimes expect too much of themselves or have unrealistic ideas about what their bodies should look like, based on the very unrealistic images and standards that are thrust upon us in movies, advertisements, etc. Worrying about what she considers are "flaws" in her body can be a big distraction for a woman. If she's concerned about what in her opinion are little breasts, hips and thighs that are too big, stretch marks, being too fat or too skinny, etc. this can really get her mind off the fun!

You know your bodies, women, and you may want to learn what to undress under brighter lights and what to keep for later, or even what to keep on while making love. You can learn to emphasize the positive and de-emphasize the less positive. Of course, if you don't have a picture-perfect body and yet are comfortable with your body in any light and state of dress or undress, all the more fun and enjoyment for you! Men have described that some of the sexiest women they know are those who have confidence.

This is why, men, reassurance, compliments and genuine appreciation of her natural beauty is a great boost for any woman and can do wonders to help her relax and feel more appreciated, much freer and less inhibited.

On the other hand, women, learn to take a compliment, as men do get quite turned on when in the presence of a woman and some may see beauty that you may not quite see. It can be a little disarming and offensive for a man to have some of his sincere compliments met with "Oh, come on, that is ridiculous…" or "That's not true, I wouldn't call my breasts beautiful…". Remember Don Quixote and Dulcinea!--Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So don't contradict him. Be thankful for his appreciation.

* Some people worry that they might not adequately satisfy their partner due to what they consider deficiencies in their physical makeup, such as small breasts or a small penis. The size of breasts or penis are relatively un important, and neither being well-endowed or on the smaller side is a guarantee of either "success" or "failure." It has been said that our most effective "sex organs" are not our genitals but our fingertips .

A man in his twenties confirmed this by saying: "Let your fingers do the talking! That's one of my favorite parts on a woman; you can tell a lot about a woman's response by her hands and fingers--the way that she 'talks' with her hands."

* It's better not to comment much on the parts of your partner's body, unless you have something positive to say. When you're in bed with someone is definitely not the time to ask if they've gained weight recently, or what kind of exercises or get-out have they been (or have not been) doing lately. When someone is naked, they already feel like they are on "show" and an innocent comment or one made in jest can be taken quite seriously and be a real turn-off.

* The un importance of the size of the penis is a point that's worth repeating, because many men have the mistaken idea that the larger the penis is, the better or more exciting or more fulfilling the lovemaking is for the woman. It does not usually make much difference to a woman if a man's penis is considerably smaller or larger than average.

A woman's vagina adapts to whatever size the penis is, so there usually isn't that much difference in the satisfaction for her whether the penis is small, average or large. If desired, a couple can vary the positions used during lovemaking to either give more or less penetration, depending on the size of the penis. For example, some women feel more penetration when sitting on top of the man, or if the man comes on top of her from the back, or from the side from the back. Try what fits best for you and your partner.

The point is that a lot of women don't come during intercourse anyway, so the size of your penis doesn't matter so much as your ability to use your hands and your tongue. It's like the saying goes, "It's not the size of the wave , but the motion of the ocean that counts!"

* An author and sex therapist advises: "Feel sexy and you will be sexy. No kidding. Try it and see. Many great philosophers have said that you are what you think you are. And it certainly holds true for sexiness. Even if you're not gorgeous, or slender, or voluptuous--even if you're not feeling particularly sexy at the moment--just conjure up your own sexy self-image. Pretty soon you'll feel sexy and therefore be sexy. Send out warm, sensuous vibes a man can't help but pick up and he won't even realize you're a little too short or too broad or too fat or too skinny; he'll see you as his own personal sexy goddess. And in your sexy mood you'll just naturally do and say wonderful sexy things. Your touch will be electric. Just the way you glance at his buns will make his temperature--and other things--rise. Great sex does not begin with your body. Great sex begins in your head !"

* One of the greatest turn-ons for a man is to see how very much he's exciting you; he wants to know that his lovemaking is driving you wild in bed. The only way to arrange it so he stimulates you, and therefore himself, to the max, is for you to know beforehand where all your sexual switches are and how they are turned on. If you aren't already familiar with your own body, take the time to start getting acquainted right now.

Remove your clothes and rub your hand over your silky skin. Blow on it. Rub a rough cloth against it. Tickle yourself with a feather. Massage, knead and caress yourself all over. Cover every inch. Find out what feels best, most relaxing, most exciting.

True beauty and sex appeal in a woman is more than a voluptuous body or gorgeous appearance. Take it from Dad: "We have got the most wonderful, beautiful, sexiest, lovingest girls in the whole world! They're full of fire and spirit and they have what really counts , the real sex, and that's the sex of the Spirit , praise God!--The loving Spirit of the Lord that really turns you on!--That look of love that really lights your fire! Praise God! Their hands are good too, everything else works fine, but there's just something about those looks and those eyes and those sweet faces and that wonderful spirit that's shining through that you just know they love you. And it's that kind of real love that turns you on!

"Our girls have Jesus. They have the Spirit, and that makes them want to love and do things for others. Our girls are the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful in the world! They exude love and sex just the way God intended for them to do! They are the love of God!" (ML #2399:65; 1026).

Beforehand :

Pre-Date Queries:

Even the boldest of people sometimes have a hard time discussing issues of sex before having a date with someone. Yet there are a few essential points that need to be communicated if you want quality time together. Asking and answering these questions shows consideration for the other person as well.

* A young woman says: "Something I'll often do is just talk to the guy in general about sex either personally or in a group, and find out his stance on the Go for the Gold issue and so on and it can be helpful. If there's someone that you could see yourself having a date with, but it hasn't happened yet, you can always discuss sex in general as part of a conversation--a very interesting one at that--and if you're candid enough you can, in a very detached way, find out things about the person, and tell him things about you, so that you are informed when or if you have a date with him at a later time. Some might prefer this approach."

* Another young woman adds: "Sometimes I go into a first date with the understanding that it's more of a 'get to know you' date, because it's easier for me to talk about sex when I'm already in a kind of intimate setting. Then the next time around, not only have we let each other know what our thing is regarding Go for the Gold, but we've already broken the ice with physical intimacy, cuddling, kissing, probably even being naked together but not going all the way."

The Bare Essentials:

You most likely know if your partner has had sex before; but if not, ask! And here are a few other key questions that are necessary to discuss before having sex!

What's your personal decision regarding "Go for the Gold"? Shall we go all the way or not? Do we want to have intercourse and take the chance of a pregnancy resulting? If you do want to go all the way, have you prayed and heard from the Lord about it? If you think you want to go all the way, do you have faith to get pregnant? What would your feeling be about going all the way if I told you that I don't feel ready for or have a desire to get married should a baby result? (Reread the "Responsibility" section if you're not confident about your answers to these questions.)

With your personal decision regarding "Go for the Gold" in mind, what would we feel comfortable doing on this date? (Or what are we not going to do?)

Also, if the person you are sharing with is married, find out what kind of agreement he or she has come to with his or her mate regarding what you'll do on your date. (See "Go for the Gold," ML #2961:160,323,324 or "Mama's Memos--No.4," ML #3138:23,24,54.)

* Don't forget that people change. So continue to communicate!

Making Yourself Sexually Attractive:

* Cleanliness when having sexual fellowship is important! If you are met with resistance to your sexual overtures, you may want to check that your cleanliness habits are up to par.

* A woman says: "When a man is generally clean, that is fifty percent of sex appeal. You know he's just showered and he smells good, has clean hair, clean teeth.--Not only just before a date or during the date, but in general he's a clean guy."

* A man says: "Just like women are stimulated by smell, touch, nice-smelling breath and all of that, men are the same. Of course, it almost goes without saying that you want your partner to have freshly showered."

* It's also nice to have clean hair when you're going to be close to someone. Oily, smelly hair is not very pleasant to run your fingers through. Dad taught the women in his Home to put a little perfume or cologne on their hair. That is something you can do so that you don't have to wash your hair before every date, since it can be a bigger deal for some women to wash and dry their hair.

* Advice from a woman: "Be sure to shower or wash up and be 'squeaky clean' when you plan to spend time with someone. Shower shortly before your date if possible. The shower you had that morning won't do much good if you have put in a full day's work since then.

"If you're not able to bathe or shower right before your date, you can at least freshen up by having a sponge bath and a 'bottom wash.' The British call this a 'top-and-tail,' when you wash under the arms and the entire bottom area with soap and water. To do this, women can sit on a toilet or bidet, and pour fresh water over their bottom area, and men can use the bidet or stand at the bathroom sink and wash up.

"Good wash-ups can be achieved with the use of a soapy washcloth that will actually 'scrub' the skin very clean. Using soap and water is usually sufficient for most parts of the body, but for areas where perspiration and body odor are more persistent, it is important to use a little extra scrub.

"The man should wash his upper legs, penis, hair, scrotum area, etc., right before lovemaking, so that it is sweet smelling, fresh and clean. Putting a bit of cologne around the scrotum area or on either side of the man's genitals can make it even more desirable and sensuous for the woman to kiss."

* Men who are uncircumcised should pull their foreskin back and wash the crown of the penis thoroughly.

"Women should wash their whole genital area well, including inside the inner and outer lips of the vagina. Be careful to avoid getting soap on the delicate mucous membrane areas of the inner lips, as that can be very irritating; fresh water will do for that part of the body. Also, be sure to completely rinse all the soap off.

"If you want to freshen up the inside of your vagina, you can use plain water or water with a little vinegar. But you should not do this too frequently as such douching can upset the delicate flora of the vagina. Don't use soap inside your vagina; it can throw off the natural balance that helps keep you healthy down there."

* Having a bubble bath or shower together is not only sexy, but ensures you both get nice and clean as you soap each other up. Added candlelight and soft music, maybe with a glass of wine, will add even more atmosphere!

* Cologne is attractive and sexy. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive. (It's interesting to note that one of the first ways a woman is stimulated sexually is via her sense of smell . On the other hand, body odors can easily turn her off.)

Get the most from your cologne by putting it on the body's "smell points," where the blood runs closest to the skin--behind your earlobes, on your neck, wrists and inside your elbows. You may also want to use a little where you know your partner may find interest in loving you, such as near the breasts, around the shoulders and the abdomen or around the genital hair line.

Dad said that the place he appreciated women's cologne the most was on their forehead and hair, because when he held them in his arms those were the places he was the closest to. This is especially helpful, ladies, if you've been cooking or in smoky public places, as your hair can pick up all kinds of smells.

Men, it's also recommended that you put cologne in your hair, and in your beard if you have one.

* A man says: "Usually women have one special perfume and that's nice, because you know their perfume; but it's also nice to vary it if you have regular dates with a person. Then your perfume can set the mood. For example, musk is hot and sexy, floral is cool, etc."

* A man comments: "I really like perfume on women, of course; I'm sure all guys do, but I don't like too much. I really like kissing the woman's neck, but sometimes there's too much perfume on her neck and it tastes bad. So a little tip is to put cologne on lightly."

* Also if you find out your partner doesn't care for a particular cologne or perfume for some reason, you should try not to wear it on your date. In some cases a particular perfume might bring up negative memories for your partner, or it might be too strong and cause an unpleasant physical reaction such as a headache.

(Naturally, if you don't already know what your partner likes, how are you going to find out unless you ask, which you should do. Of course, you can't be sensitive, but wouldn't you rather be a little hurt by asking him and finding out he doesn't like your perfume rather than risk going merrily along, not realizing that your "fragrance" is not what he prefers? And men, be honest, but try to be sweet about it.)

* Be sure to brush your teeth well right before a date to avoid bad breath and to be more "kissable." You can also use mouthwash, if available. Also brush your tongue; germs that cause bad breath are found on the tongue.

* You might want to avoid eating raw onions or garlic when you plan to be with someone later, especially if you know your partner doesn't like the after-effects on your breath. (Some people don't mind.) However, if both people eat onions or garlic, then it usually is not too noticeable to each other. Chronic bad breath may be the result of gum problems or indigestion.

* Men should be clean shaven--which means it's nice if you shave right before a date. It's uncomfortable and a turn-off for a woman if her face or breasts are irritated by scratchy whiskers.

* If a man has a beard, he should still be sure to shave the areas that can be prickly, such as the neck and below the cheekbones. Mustaches should be well trimmed. It can be unpleasant for a woman when a man's mustache is so long it covers his upper lip and goes in her mouth when they're kissing.

* Like beard stubble, rough and callused hands can make foreplay unpleasant. Your hands are important tools in sexual stimulation, and it is not at all unmasculine to keep them soft for her with regular use of a good hand lotion. While you're at it, check those fingernails. Keeping them trimmed and clean is essential for the intimate moments.

* Take a few minutes regularly to keep fingernails well manicured. This goes for the men too--please keep your fingernails trimmed and clean. Fingernails that are rough or long can irritate a woman's genital area. By the same token, if a woman's fingernails are too long they can be quite hurtful to a man's genital area. If in doubt, ask your partner!

Also, please keep your feet and toenails clean. Dirty feet and grungy toenails are a turn-off, as they can give the impression of an overall lack of cleanliness.

* Women, keeping your genital hair trimmed is more hygienic, especially in hot weather. Also, trimming it nice and short makes it more attractive for some men. Many men are excited by the sight of your genital area--the shape, the lips, etc. You can easily trim the hair using normal scissors and a comb. To do this you simply run the comb through the hair, and while keeping the comb flat against the skin, you cut off the hair that is sticking out of the comb. Using a comb in this manner protects you from accidentally nicking your skin, because the comb is kept between your skin and the scissors.

You can cut most of your genital hair as short as a quarter of an inch. But don't clip the hair that's right around your clitoris or your vaginal lips too short or you may find that your clothes will irritate you and cause your clitoris to get sore. You may want to leave the hair in that area at least a half an inch long. Instead of using a comb with the scissors around your clitoris and lip area, use your fingers. Simply hold the hair between your index and third fingers and then cut whatever hair is sticking out.

If you wish, you can also shave the outside edges of your genital hair; what is sometimes referred to as the "bikini line." In other words, you can shave the hair on the outer edges on each side of your triangle of hair--which makes the overall area that's covered by hair smaller. If you choose to shave, it's important to only move the razor in the direction that the hair grows. Don't shave against the grain of the hair, because, while this will give you a closer shave, it might also cause ingrown hairs, little pimples or a rash to develop, which doesn't look or feel very nice. Applying a little powder or inexpensive cologne to your bikini line afterward leaves it dry and comfortable with less chance of rash or friction. (You don't need to shave or trim your genital hair before each date; only as often as is needed.)

* A charming Midwestern mother of five teenagers had the following point of view: "Whenever possible I try to sustain an element of mystery and privacy about my body. This isn't prudery on my part, but a feeling that my husband keeps a more romanticised image of me if he isn't a regular observer of my toilet habits and more elementary hygiene measures. I never leave stained Kotex around for him to see or smell; I don't remove my makeup in his presence--or put it on--and I don't go to bed with my hair in rollers and cold cream on my face. I also like to dress separately when we are going out for a big evening so that his first glimpse of me is special. I think men are eager to admire the finished creation but don't relish witnessing the collecting of the ingredients and unglamorous assembly job ... at least my husband feels that way. He loves to see me undress sometimes and I like to do that for him then, but mostly I dress and undress in my own little dressing room off our bedroom ... which used to be a hall closet. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of the knowledge that my husband still feels I'm glamorous." (From "Total Loving" page 421, Marvellous Marriage.)

* The longer people are in a relationship, the more apt they are to forget about shaving, washing, and brushing their teeth. But try to stay conscientious even in your comfortable relationships, because those little things make a big difference--especially to women who have a very keen sense of smell.

Setting the Stage:

* It's nice if the room you spend time together in is neat and tidy, not too dark, and kept at a comfortable temperature.

* If you live in a cooler (or very cold!) climate, plan ahead and have the room where you're going to spend time together warm , if possible. It's been scientifically proven that it's more difficult for a woman to become sexually aroused when she's cold. "The almost unanimous consensus among women is that in sex, they can't stand cold ."

"If a woman says, 'It's cold in here,' and the macho lover replies, 'Don't worry, baby, I'll make you hot,' he doesn't know that the chill can keep 'baby' from becoming sexually hot, because women's bodies contract when they are cold and they secrete sexual fluids more easily when they are warm."

* Don't underestimate the power of music. Soft romantic music can be a very quick way to arouse desire. (Whether you prefer instrumental or