Ever wonder how crunchy of a parent you are? Well, never fear. Introducing:

The Crappy Mohs Scale of Crunchy Mamas – NOW WITH MORE SCIENCE!*

(*Science: This is based off the Mohs hardness scale of minerals which is a ranking of 1-10 with 1 being the least hard and 10 being the most hard. Hard = crunchy.)

So. How crunchy are you? Where do you rank?

Wait. Wait. Everybody wait.

Here’s the grain of salt you’ll need for this post:

(You can pick regular table salt or sustainably harvested sea salt.)

I made this scale after having several interactions over the years that annoyed me. The ones where people attempt to self-righteously out crunch one another. Stop that crap. It’s not a competition!

I also have vivid memories of the early baby days and meeting other new moms and how tenuous those relationships were. How we awkwardly fumbled around subjects like vaccinations or circumcision or extended breastfeeding and tried to fish out each other’s stance on it. Back in those early months, every decision felt like it defined us.

Course then the kids get older. Before you know it, all of that stuff matters less and less.

But in case you are still in a place where this sort of thing matters to you or to those you meet, this scale will save you time. Rather than have to tiptoe around controversial topics you can just say, “I’m a 6 on the Crappy Crunchy Scale.” And then you’ll know whether you can be friends or not.

So…

Where do you fall on the Crappy Crunchy scale?

How to Play – read the description & if you identify with 2 or more things listed you can move onto the next level.

But wait! I ate my placenta but let my kids watch TV! Or I used formula but I drive an electric car! What does that make me? I don’t fall on your scale at all! I’m a zero! Your scale doesn’t work! Your scale isn’t accurate! Your scale doesn’t make sense because something you listed for level five should be an eight. Your scale is offensive because I believe that…

Guess what? I made this shit up.

Relax. You can place yourself wherever the hell you want. If at all.

1. Talc

Crunchy Qualities: plans to breastfeed, owns a BabyBjorn and one stainless steel or glass food receptacle

This is like an “intro to crunchy” level. These mamas are at the top of the slippery slope but they are still pretty powdery. They might slide in and get crunchier with time. If not, they are crunchy friendly.

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2. Gypsum

Crunchy Qualities: likes DIY and handmade shit, shops at thrift stores and garage sales, carries Kleen Kanteen or SIGG bottles, has made kale chips and purchased almond butter

May drive a minivan or an SUV and simultaneously loves it and feels guilty.

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3. Calcite

Crunchy Qualities: buys organic foods for baby, makes own baby food, attempts to avoid flashing or noisemaking toys, limits screen time, enjoys natural bath and beauty products, wears mineral makeup, owns either a ring sling, an Ergo or a Beco carrier

Likely consumes coconut oil.

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4. Fluorite

Crunchy Qualities: cloth diapers, does not own plastic food containers unless they are BPA/pthlalate free, births naturally, feels strongly about breastfeeding, owns an Arm’s Reach co-sleeper or uses a bassinet to have baby in room

Has baked with zucchini and made quinoa.

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5. Apatite

Crunchy Qualities: only buys wooden or natural toys, kids don’t watch TV, no characters or text on kid’s clothing, practices non-violent communication and non-punitive punishment, likes mason jars and has too many of them, covets ethically manufactured clothing, drives a fuel efficient car on purpose, likes Method, Seventh Generation and Mrs. Meyers brand cleaning products

Has read everything by Dr. Sears.

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6. Orthoclase Feldspar

Crunchy Qualities: obsession with something like baby carriers or cloth diapers, co-sleeps, extended breastfeeds, uses mama cloth, owns a juicer and drinks green juice, has an herb garden, drives a hybrid car or wishes she did

Likely owns at least one article of clothing made from bamboo or hemp.

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7. Quartz

Crunchy Qualities: sleeps in a family bed, either homeschools or uses a co-op, Waldorf or other assorted hippie schooling choices, homebirths with midwives, baby led weaning, tandem nurses if applicable, makes jam, has a large vegetable garden, buys used and repurposes whenever possible, uses cloth table napkins and cloth “paper towels”, cleans with vinegar and baking soda, is anti-TV and will mention this at every chance, child wears an amber teething necklace

Has either owned or rented a birthing tub.

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8. Topaz

Crunchy Qualities: placenta eaters and other food weirdness comes into play here, this has a polarizing effect with vegans on one and and paleo/primal on the other, or perhaps is gluten free, local only or organic only. Can recognize a woven wrap colorway from 40 yards away, uses family cloth instead of toilet paper, keeps regular acupuncture visits, stashes arnica and other homeopathic remedies in bag, uses elderberry syrup during cold and flu season, non-vac and non-circ status is displayed proudly on twitter or Mothering.com bio, drives an electric or bio-fuel car or has no car, avoids fluoride

Likely has tried the “no-poo” method of hair care.

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9. Corundum

Crunchy Qualities: grows all their own food, canning expert, homesteads, raises organic sheep, spins the wool from organic sheep, knits clothes from the wool that was spun from organic sheep, unschools, has chickens, wants to live off the grid, keeps bees, has solar panels, possibly uses elimination communication, builds own house or other barn/shed structures, has unassisted births

Can sew an entire quilt in one night by the light of handmade beeswax candles while sipping tea made from homegrown chamomile in a mug that was hand formed from clay mined from her backyard. While nursing.

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10. Diamond

Um. SouleMama?

Actually, a diamond does most or all or some assortment of the above levels but they don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks. They aren’t keeping track and they’ve outgrown the labels. They certainly don’t preach to others or judge people about their choices. They’re just doing their own thing. Doing what works for them. Diamonds? Diamonds are rare.

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PS – I asked Amanda if I could use her as the punch line to my post and while I am teasing her, I’m doing so with love and her permission. I also teased her that her family is like the real life version of the book Ox-Cart Man except they still need an ox. They do have a dairy cow now though so that pretty much counts. She truly is a gem and such an inspiration to many.

PPS – I love that book.

PPPS – After one of my first posts where I drew us co-sleeping there were rumors floating around that I was crunchy. Someone even called me crunchy in a review once. People thought that I cloth diapered, co-slept, extended breastfed, wore the same purple dress every day, babywore, made wooden toys, baked bread, unschooled, used mama cloth, homebirthed in a tub and ate my own placenta and all kinds of stuff.

But that simply is not true. I have several different purple dresses.

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Psssst: If you liked this then you’ll definitely, probably like my book: Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures