Government to cut benefits of anyone who’ll be dead before next election

The government has announced plans to cut the benefits of the terminally ill, after explaining there’s little point keeping them happy as they’ll be dead before the next election anyway.

Letters have been sent to those receiving the Contributory Employment Support Allowance (CESA) to let them know that if they insist on living beyond 12 months, their benefits could disappear.

A government source told us, “Generally speaking, politicians try to avoid implementing policies that are guaranteed to alienate voters, as they will invariably vote against you next time. But that’s where the genius in this plan lies.”

“They have no comeback. We could kick them screaming down the street for our entertainment if it saved a few quid and they literally couldn’t do a thing about it at the next election.”

“Sure, some of them are Conservative supporters, but we’re losing that vote anyway, so we might as well save a few quid whilst we’re at it.”

Benefit cuts for terminally ill

Some coalition supporters have criticised the plans, insisting that not everyone considered terminally ill dies when they’re supposed to.

Our Whitehall source countered, “Don’t worry, we’ve thought of that.”

“We’ll put something in there like a ‘Lazarus bonus payment’, to keep them sweet if they make a miraculous recovery before the next election.”

“After all, every vote counts, we haven’t forgotten that.”