NEWBERRY, SC—Echoing the concerns of millions of teenagers across the nation, typical American 17-year-old Dana Almdell confirmed Monday she has struggled to balance the many competing demands placed on her by school, pansexual orgies, and drug raves. “My schedule this year is almost exclusively honors classes, so how am I supposed to find time to sell all this ecstasy and ketamine before the big sex party this weekend, at which I’m hoping to get gang-banged with all my friends?” said the completely average, run-of-the-mill teen, who added that she has been forced to cut back the number of hours she spends tripping on designer drugs and masturbating on a webcam so the whole school can watch. “The only way I can manage is by doing tons of cocaine, but even then, it’s hard to stay on top of everything. Yesterday, I got so tweaked on bath salts trying to stay up and finish a paper that I totally forgot about my calculus study group and our usual Sunday night rainbow party. High school is a lot of pressure no matter how much Klonopin you take.” Almdell went on to say that due to her numerous academic and extracurricular commitments, she has hardly had time for her relationship with her AP literature teacher, much less for getting to know the married couple she has been sleeping with for the past week.

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