7:00 AM

The alarm coming from my phone begins to ring, pounding on the inside of my skull, turned up all the way to cut through the 4 hours of sleep I received last night. I keep telling myself I will go to sleep earlier, but I tell myself that same thing every morning. That very same commitment broken every night while I lie awake, feeling exhausted yet restless. I roll over and pick up my pill case along with a glass of water. I swallow the handful of pills I am forced to take everyday, just to have a little more control over my emotions.

7:30 AM

I haven’t left the confines of my bed yet, for some reason I feel more tired in the morning than I do when I am trying to sleep. I begin to wonder if that’s normal. Then again, I find myself wondering if a lot of things are normal. I try to force myself out of bed, but I can’t seem to find the strength. I really don’t want to be late for work, but my brain seems to have a different opinion. “If you get up, you could eat breakfast, drink coffee, read the news, and feel much better today.” None of these ploys seems to work.

8:30 AM

I finally got the strength to get up. I now have 30 minutes to get ready and drive to work. I skip breakfast and coffee, there’s no time. Hell, I don’t even have time to style my hair or put together an outfit today, T-shirt and jeans it is again. I make it out the door just in time.. to make it to work 10 minutes late. Again. I hate doing this to myself, but I can’t seem to stop doing it.

9:30 AM

I feel so tired already, why am I always so tired? I manage to find some coffee at work, luckily someone made some today. I’m not sure I would be able to make it through the morning otherwise. No one has said anything about me being late yet, then again, they never do. Do they even care? I am sure that they do, I am sure they silently resent it. I start to worry about my job, whether or not it’s even a valid thought. I start forming a backup plan in my head, looking up jobs just in case, and I end up losing focus on the actual work that I have to do.

10:30 AM

My girlfriend hasn’t texted me good morning yet today. I begin to wonder whether or not she really loves me, even though she reminds me of it everyday. “You’re just overthinking things,” I reassure myself. It’s enough to hold back my fears of abandonment for a time.

11:00 AM

I regret not eating breakfast, like most other days. I feel starved at this point, and I am already teetering on the edge of anorexia, but not on purpose. At least I have gotten some work done now today, and have managed to calm myself down about being late. “It happens” I think to myself. Albeit far too often.

1:00 PM

I finally made it through the morning, one of the hardest parts of my day. I’ve finally eaten and I don’t feel so sick to my stomach anymore. It’s time to take the second round of my daily pills, which will hopefully help me make it through the rest of my day. But hey, that’s a lot to hope for.

2:30 PM

My boss assigns me some dull work and I find it hard to get interested in it. I try to get around it, but it needs to get done. I get increasingly frustrated, though it’s easy for me. The frustration only makes it harder to concentrate.

3:00 PM

The dull work is finished, but the frustration remains. I make a suggestion to my boss on a way to improve something at work. My idea is shut down, as the system in place works just fine. I feel offended, though I shouldn’t at all. After all, my boss was very nice about it and appreciated the suggestion. Even so, my brain doesn’t care, and my emotions begin to split. Suddenly the world becomes black and white, almost instantaneously. The only thing I feel toward my workplace is anger and frustration. I begin to consider quitting and I lose focus yet again. I could make it work, I am sure I could find another job in only a couple weeks time. I have enough money to pay my bills until then, but really only until then.

4:00 PM

I feel silly, I have a really cool job working for people who are supportive of me and my endeavors. What was I thinking? I can’t quit, I definitely don’t want to quit. I feel stupid for having lost another hour of focus. After calming down, I make up for it by working twice as hard in the last hour of my day.

5:00 PM

It’s time to head home, but I am not as excited as most would be. I know when I get there, I have a ton of chores that need to get done. “My girlfriend will appreciate a clean house,” I tell myself in order to muster enough motivation. My girlfriend promised she would stop by after school later tonight, and it’s enough to prompt me to go straight home.

6:00 PM

I receive a text from my girlfriend, she has too much homework to stop by tonight. Logically I understand, but my emotions begin to get out of control. Yet again, the world turns black and white. I feel angry, sad, and abandoned, even though she will likely hang out tomorrow. I lose the motivation to finish my chores, which continue to pile up. I consider moving on, after all, I no longer feel loved. Something as simple as this text was all it took. I start to think about downloading a dating app or messaging an ex-girlfriend, but I find the strength to hold it back. I eat my feelings: an entire pint of ice cream, a nutritional shake, and two sandwiches. “At least I ate,” I think to myself.

7:00 PM

The all-too-familiar feelings of abandonment begin to creep back from behind the wall I put up. I have so many friends around me, yet I start to feel as if I am completely alone. No one understands, after all. I begin to find it difficult to control the cascade of emotions I am feeling, but I try to distract myself with my favorite TV shows.

8:00 PM

My emotions have become more than I can distract myself from, I feel as if I have lost all control. They hit me like a tsunami, within which I begin to drown. I have a last resort, though I know it doesn’t really help. I pull a bottle of vodka out of the cabinet and take a huge swig. I’ve gotten used to the horrible taste and familiar burn. My emotions don’t subside, but I find myself no longer caring about them. I hope this lasts, though I know it won’t.

11:00 PM

I had so much I meant to accomplish tonight, but I found myself unable. Every time the emotions returned, I “re-dosed” with another swig. It’s time for bed, but I no longer feel tired. I try meditating, the therapist says that should help to calm down before bed. I find it hard to keep my mind quiet and only get more frustrated. I give up, get ready for bed, and lay down; feeling no more tired than before. I decide to read the news I skipped this morning, and the headlines only make me more sad.

1:00 AM

I stare at the ceiling, still awake, having rolled every which way a thousand times over. I can’t sleep again, I never can. I get out of bed to make myself a late night bowl of cereal, hoping that quelling my hungry stomach might help me sleep. It doesn’t. I continue to lie awake, thinking only about my failures from the day before. I’m disappointed in myself, accomplishing little of the tasks I had planned to tackle. “Why can’t I do anything right?” I continue to beat myself up well into the night.

3:00 AM

I have finally exhausted my mind. I fall asleep 4 hours later than I promised myself the day before yet again. I know I am going to feel miserable again tomorrow…