What is your idea of perfect happiness? Playing with a dog. And we’re both drunk.

What is your favorite journey? I like flying to New York from London. It’s like a day off for me. No phone or e-mails. Food, wine, iPod, movies, snoozing. And then New York!

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Patience.

On what occasion do you lie? On many. Always to do with why I can’t make a social function. To tell the truth in such situations would be devastating and pointless. Can you imagine? “No, I can’t come to your party, because you live too far away and most of your friends are morons.”

What do you dislike most about your appearance? I guess, overall, I wish everything didn’t sag so much these days.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Sorry. I thought babies could swim.”

What do you consider your greatest achievement? Working my way up from nothing without punching anyone in the face.

What is your greatest regret? That I didn’t punch more people in the face.

What is your current state of mind? I’m stressed about whether my answers to these questions are honest, interesting, or funny.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Wings would be useful.

Where would you like to live? I’ve been lucky enough to be able to choose exactly where I want to live. I live in Hampstead, in London, and have a little country retreat on the river in Buckinghamshire. I live on the Upper East Side near Central Park when I’m in New York. If I couldn’t live in any of those places, Bath springs to mind.

What is your most marked characteristic? I’d like to say it’s my intelligence, wit, integrity, and charm. But it’s probably for others to decide. They’d say cocky, outspoken, troublemaker.

What do you most value in your friends? It’s hard to narrow it down, because I want them to have a bit of everything—humor, kindness, integrity, intelligence, tolerance (they need lots of that). But if I had to choose just one it would probably be loyalty.

Who are your favorite writers? Charles Dickens, J. D. Salinger, Carl Sagan, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Old Testament God. Proper fucking psycho. “Why the fuck did I give these morons free will? Drown the motherfuckers!”

How would you like to die? In my sleep, dreaming that I’m saving a puppy from a burning building.

What is your motto? “Relax. No one else knows what they’re doing, either.”

Video: In Character with Ricky Gervais