Grief is hard for anyone to deal with. It's a time when family and friends share words of comfort. But for atheists, some of the most common terms like "s/he's in a better place" or "you're in my thoughts and prayers", just don't apply. So what do they do?

In a recent piece in the Guardian, Tiffany White talked about how offering solace during times of grief is different when you are an atheist. Socially accepted platitudes are suddenly irrelevant. There is no better place to go to and no offer of prayer to extend.

Tiffany ended her piece saying:

Even though I wasn't armed with an arsenal of hopeful and optimistic phrases to make her feel better with, I realized that simply being a caring and understanding friend was more important. And isn't that what really matters?

We opened up the question of how atheists comfort grieving friends to Guardian readers. We wanted to know what atheists do or say when those close to them needed comfort. Here's what they told us:

Chris, UK, 67

I offer time and tea.

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

My lover and partner of 38 years died suddenly recently. Being aware that there is no afterlife means that death is a final thing. People offer condolences in a number of ways. I get a lot of hugs. I find death more incomprehensible than ever and find it strange to be alive. I miss her dreadfully.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

By listening. Taking time to talk rather than giving a simple pat phrase. I offer time and tea.

Do you agree with Tiffany's statement?

It is what matters but being their suggests that they have to call upon your help. Better to call round at the house or at least phone regularly for a time. You don't need formula phrases and sympathetic faces. Care enough to help them get back on their feet or stay out of it.

Mark Moore, California, 60

The moment of grief is not about the helper it is about the aggrieved.

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

When I am blessed by someone. People thanking god for medical interventions. Asked to give an oath on the bible. People asking what church I go to.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

I sit with them quietly. Get them something to eat or drink. Take care of things for them. I let them talk. They are wrapped up in what has happened to them. I am not a star player in the situation, I am supporting cast if that. It is not unusual for other people to be eclipsed in great grief or injury. This is a time to put my attention on another person and do my best to intuit what is needed.

Do you agree with Tiffany's statement?

The moment of grief is not about the helper it is about the aggrieved. It is time to reach out to someone else, not formulate pat phrases that don't touch the loss.

Donovan Baker, Texas, 45

They know I really will help in anyway I can.

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

Most situations as my atheism, skepticism, critical thinking, and humanitarianism lines all bleed together.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

I offer actual help or a listening ear. I say: "I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this loss. If there is anything I can do to help, you need to let me know. I'm here for you, even if you just need someone to listen." They know I really will help in anyway I can.

Do you agree with Tiffany's statement?

There are many things we can say or talk about, that have nothing to do with an afterlife and so forth.

Randy Hensley, Massachusetts, 48

I am always aware, never self conscious, of being an atheist.

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

I am always aware, never self conscious, of being an atheist. It is like being aware that I'm alive.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

I take the time to speak to the person and how they impacted our lives. If I knew them I say how they impacted me, if I don't know them I speak in terms of how they impacted my friend or loved one. I think it is rude to shrug it off with some trite commitment to pray. I talk about love, and the person's life, about how it mattered and how it positively affected our lives. I think people want to know you care. In our darkest moments we want to be held.

Do you agree with Tiffany?

Tiffany is exactly correct. Caring and understanding is real, prayers are mindless blather are cheap.

Dorothy Stephens, Canada, 54

My motto is: 'Two hands working accomplish more than a thousand clasped in prayer.'

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

Weddings and funerals, because traditionally the ceremonies are so closely associated with church. Even the non-religious cliches are church-related, like processional music, always played on an organ, or walking down the aisle.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

I always offer to do something tangible. Usually it's cooking a meal or sending over baking. Sometimes, running errands or helping with arrangements. I say that their loved one will live on in memories and the legacy that he/she left to this world. They all know i'm an atheist so they don't expect prayers or participation in religious services, although I attend out of respect. But they know they can count on me to help out.

Do you agree with Tiffany?

Yes, because an arsenal of hopeful and optimistic phrases is just words, and words are cheap. "I'll pray for you" is often just a way of doing nothing but trying to sound like you are. My motto is 'two hands working accomplish more than a thousand clasped in prayer.'

Chad, Canada, 32

Platitudes provide an easy way out

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

The state of mourning, whether I or another are involved, is certainly one of the chief situations where my lack of belief in an afterlife is driven home. I grew up believing that those with right belief would go to heaven, and the realization that it was irrational and ultimately cruel to believe that was a difficult process, but has given life more meaning and value.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

If it was someone I knew, I grieve with them, going through all the emotions, memories and impressions of the person. If I did not know the person, then I can offer words of shock, sadness, or of comfort as the situation differs. With some thought and care, I don't find that religious words are missed except in comparison with the well-meaning platitudes expressed by others.

Do you agree with Tiffany?

White's statement sums up what is most important in the time of mourning: caring and understanding. Many people have great difficulty in displaying these to a mourner, and lack of close relationship makes it worse. Platitudes provide an easy way out, but when my mother passed away, I wanted nothing else but for people to stop trying so hard. Bringing up a good memory of her would have been the best thing a relative stranger could have done for me at the time.

Charlotte Stafford, Washington DC, 24

Everyone grieves differently, so you must adapt.

In what situations are you especially aware of being an atheist?

I never feel self conscious for being an atheist. I am aware of it occasionally because I have many religious friends, have lived in profoundly religious countries and have dated religious people before. Also I am British, and not in a minority there, it's too cold to believe in God.

How do you offer condolences to grieving friends and family?

There is never a set of instructions to follow. Everyone grieves differently, so you must adapt. The most important thing is to be present. Available for a hug, a cry, a breakdown or anger. Sometimes people don't want you to say anything, they just want you to listen. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.

Do you agree with Tiffany?

An atheist can't lie and utter the immortal words: "She/he will be in my prayers." It would be untrue and therefore would come across as disingenuous sympathy. Being understanding and supportive is all you need to do.

What do you think? Is it okay to offer religious comfort to people who are religious themselves? Let us know in the comments.