Chron reporter loses rodeo Celebrity Goat Milking Competition for the seventh year in a row

I am not good at milking goats.

This reporter starting goat milking at RodeoHouston in 2011 as a celebrity goat milking contestant. That’s a cute way of saying that we’re the media types that were able to finagle the afternoon off to pal around with our friends and touch goats.

RodeoHouston invites people from print, TV and radio to come and dude it up for an hour or so. It’s always held on the first official day of the rodeo so we get our embarrassment out of the way early.

FROM 2015: The surprisingly difficult life of a celebrity goat milker

This is what my inaugural 2011 campaign looked like. My goat's name was Brownie. By the looks of the video, it appears I thought wearing a v-neck shirt would impress the goat.

Each year I might manage less than half a cup of goat milk. There was the nightmare of RodeoHouston 2013 when I only managed a few drops after my goat kicked over the bucket. One year I managed third place, my miracle year. I am the Cleveland Browns of RodeoHouston celebrity goat milking, or at least the 2013 Houston Texans.

I almost retired after last year, but I was coaxed back in by RodeoHouston brass. All for the love of the game, I tell you.

PHOTOS: The first day of RodeoHouston 2017 Outlaw Dave gives Chron.com reporter Craig Hlavaty some goat milking pointers on March 7, 2017 at RodeoHouston's Celebrity Goat Milking competition. Chron photographer Michael Ciaglo captures the mayhem. Click through to see the first day of the festivities at NRG Park... less PHOTOS: The first day of RodeoHouston 2017 Outlaw Dave gives Chron.com reporter Craig Hlavaty some goat milking pointers on March 7, 2017 at RodeoHouston's Celebrity Goat Milking competition. Chron ... more Photo: Mike Glenn Photo: Mike Glenn Image 1 of / 90 Caption Close Chron reporter loses rodeo Celebrity Goat Milking Competition for the seventh year in a row 1 / 90 Back to Gallery

Among the contestants this year were Theresa Clanton from 94.5 The Buzz, Outlaw Dave from KPRC 950AM, Maggie Flecknoe from CW39’s Eye Opener, KHOU-TV’s Shern-min Chow, Johnny Bravo, and others. This year’s event was emceed by radio personality Sarah Pepper, a past goat milker herself.

Basically a selection of goats is brought into a small showing arena accompanied by the high-schoolers who have spent the last year or so raising the animals from birth, when they are cute and the size of small poodles.

By the time us celebs usually get to the goats they are ornery and a bit perturbed that a guy or girl with a microphone is trying to get a few drops out of them. It’s important to have warm hands. Cold hands on a goat’s udders is just cruel.

There is definitely a technique to goat milking, as anyone who has ever worked or lived around milk-giving animals will tell you. It’s a strange and delicate twist motion. You can only get it down by goat milking weekly, so said one of my fellow contestants.

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My turn came in the third heat and after some confusion over which goat was mine, I settled in to milk. Thanks to all my cuddling and petting, my goat Jade was nice enough to not kick me, which is a hazard of the game.

In the end, after 30 seconds of milking I managed to squeeze out maybe two good swallows. I wasn't the worst, though, as another contestant who will remain nameless got just a fraction of what I did. He got the hard luck trophy, featuring a small pail, plastic grass and chocolate raisins mimicking goat droppings.

Heck, I would display it with pride.

This year’s big winner – for the third year in a row – was Maggie Flecknoe who seems to have the competition on lock. She extracted nearly a quart of milk between her first heat and the tie-breaker.

Sunny 99.1’s Dana Tyson holds the title in the competition with some nine wins under her belt.

I have thought about buying a goat for home practice but I don’t think it would be very nice or please my landlord to leave a goat on an apartment patio.

I will be back next year, if they let me return, as I'm the crown prince of the celebrity goat milking scene that never met a contest he could say no to. I may not be able to milk a goat with the best of them, but I will always have my championship turkey calling title from the Houston Zoo to fall back on.

The best way to celebrate your seventh straight goat milking loss? Go to the petting zoo. It heals all wounds. That and the nearest bar.