FRESNO, CA

The Toews family of Fresno was sick and tired of the high costs and inadequate service provided by the American health care system, so they decided to start a massive GoFundMe campaign to replace the whole thing with the universal system they’ve got up there in Canada.

“Even with so-called Obamacare or Trumpcare or whatever it’s called now, there are millions of us still uninsured,” said Mr. Toews. “That’s why I’ve started this GoFundMe campaign. Our goal is to get to just over three trillion dollars by the end of the month. Anything you can provide would be greatly appreciated.”

Toews says he also plans to hold a soup and pie fundraiser in the basement of the local Mennonite church.

“We’ve got green bean soup, chicken noodle, and even a few varieties of borscht,” said Toews. “Let me tell you, if Grandma Janzen’s delicious cabbage borscht can’t get us to our 3.2 trillion dollar goal, then I don’t know what will.”

Donations are flooding in and the campaign has already raised $417, which means they only have 99.99999999999987 percent of their goal left to raise.

“The numbers are encouraging,” said Toews. “I’m certain we’ll get there with a few more tweets and a couple bake sales.”

In the meantime, a group in Ontario has started a GoFundMe campaign to replace Canada’s system with that of Germany’s so Canadians can finally get a back surgery in a reasonable amount of time.