PITTSBURGH—Inexplicably stressed and anxious over his recent unemployment, pathetic minimum-wage worker Michael Fortin was reportedly devastated about losing his job Friday, despite the fact it only paid a couple hundred dollars a week anyway. “He keeps crying, ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?,’ but it’s not like he was earning enough to survive off of,” said roommate Clay Bowers, who noted that Fortin’s job hadn’t even technically been full-time since he could never get his manager to assign him more than 39.5 hours a week. “He barely had enough money for groceries after covering rent every month, so really, what’s the loss? Christ, get it together dude. If I lost a couple hundred dollars a week, I wouldn’t even notice. It’s not like he even had benefits to begin with. And now that he won’t have to spend so much on gasoline and car repairs, he might actually be saving money.” At press time, Bowers added that not even two minimum-wage jobs would have been able to make a dent in Fortin’s six-figure debt.

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