This Diet Is Virtually Guaranteed to Keep You Cancer Free for the Rest of Your Life

Scientists have discovered a diet that ensures you will live cancer free for the rest of your life. It's being hailed as a "miracle," a "marvel," a "breakthrough," and even a "quantum leap in nutrition."

Past studies have indicated that pretty much everything in life causes cancer. To circumvent this unpleasant truth, scientists had to think outside the box. The diet they created is nothing short of revolutionary.

There's no cooking, no grocery shopping, and no annoying delivery drivers. In fact, there's no food or water whatsoever! You don't consume anything!

Nine subjects took part in the study, which was not published in a peer-reviewed journal. All of the participants abstained from eating or drinking for the duration of the study. When examining the results, the researchers were utterly amazed to find that none of the subjects showed any signs of cancer.

"The 'no-nutrient' diet was not associated with any form of cancer," the researchers reported. "Moreover, the three children that took part in the study showed no signs of autism."

Vindicated by the new research is popular health blogger, Vani Hari, also known as "The Food Babe." For years, Hari has urged her followers to avoid all toxins and chemicals (the 'no-nutrient' diet has none), an effort that has provoked harsh scrutiny from the scientific community. That independent scientists have now proven her correct beyond a shadow of a doubt is a delightful piece of irony.

The researchers don't plan to perform a follow-up study, but they do intend to lobby Congress to revise the recently-released 2015-2020 U.S. Dietary Guidelines to include the 'no-nutrient' diet.

"We expect the Guidelines to be updated very quickly in light of our incontrovertible findings," they said in a press release.

The researchers admitted one minor side effect of their diet: All of the subjects passed away after five days.

Author's Note: This article is satire and all of its content is completely fabricated. The author does not actually recommend depriving yourself of food and water. Nor does he seek to trivialize the plight of cancer patients or denigrate those diagnosed with autism. The article is intended to highlight -- in an utterly absurd fasion -- the often ridiculous nature of nutrition science and how it is reported in the popular press.

(Image: Salimfadhley/Wikimedia Commons)