It’s believed there are only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death – but this, I’m sorry to report, is wrong. If you take the time to study the Book of Revelation, and I mean really study it, it’s clear there are five beings who will bring about the destruction of humanity. The fifth? The robotic hounds of hell.

Yes, fair technology fans, Sony has taken the next step towards the end of the world by announcing that the aibo, its autonomous robotic puppy, will soon be available in the US.

May god have mercy on us all.

The aibo was first birthed from the bowels of hell in 1999. Around the same time the Millennium Bug (almost) brought the world to its knees. Something, I’m sure you’ll agree, is not at all coincidence.

This current version of the sulfur-reeking companion – named the “First Litter edition,” which one assumes is a sly wink to the bodies that will soon be littering the earth – is the range’s sixth iteration, something we have reported on before.

This time round, the demon-summoners at Sony have not only improved the movement robotics of the aibo, but have also given it a cloud-connected artificial intelligence engine, as well as advanced image sensors.

“Why?” I hear you scream up at the blackening sky.

Well, according to Sony, this is to give the aibo “the ability to learn and recognize faces.”

“I KNOW THY FACE HUMAN, SO DO NOT HIDE FROM ME. YES YOU CAN TRY AND FLEE, BUT THERE IS NO RUNNING FROM THE TIDE OF DESOLATION THAT WILL SOON BE SWEEPING YOUR LAND.”

Each aibo will also ‘evolve’ to deal with the household it inhabits. The idea is that it will learn tricks from owners, develop its own personality, and respond to voice prompts. Whether or not aibos will substantially differ in personality from household to household remains to be seen, but we can be sure it’ll make its insidious influence felt one way or another.

Oh, and it won’t be “content to sit and wait to be beckoned” either. Instead it “will actively seek out its owners.” Something it does with barks, whines, and two harrowing OLED eyes.

Nope. Nope nope nope.

When Sony released these harbingers of doom in Japan, they sold out immediately. I expect the same thing to happen in the US in September, when the aibo goes on sale. Even if they cost $2,899, with a three-year AI cloud subscription and some accessories.

If you’re intrigued by the aibo, don’t forget what T.S. Elliott (sorta) said:

“This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper (from a robotic puppy sent from hell to destroy us all)”

He was a wise, wise man.

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