If holidays were tech companies, Halloween would be fun and sexy Apple, Microsoft (or arguably Google) would be the mega, omni-holiday Christmas, and Thanksgiving would be Yahoo. Both Yahoo and Thanksgiving are big and well-known, but each of them has outlived their prime years -- Yahoo in the 90's, Thanksgiving in the Norman Rockwell 50's -- and are currently on the decline. In the tech world, Yahoo and Microsoft are courting a merger. I say we do the same with Thanksgiving and Christmas. First of all, the timing of Thanksgiving couldn't be worse. In October, you work hard on your costume and attend several parties. In December, you need to buy lots of presents and get the whole family together. You'd think we'd have a nice rest in between, but no. We've got to get the whole family together a month in advance of Christmas, and put together another giant meal. Fuck you, Thanksgiving! In our shitty economy, you shouldn't be expected to create more than one giant family dinner in a span of 6 months, let alone buy $800 plane tickets home for two months in a row. Christmas and Thanksgiving need each other. People love Christmas for the presents, cookies and the poisonous new Vince Vaughn movie.

But we’re often reminded that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost. It’s all tinsel, no heart. On the other hand, Thanksgiving is all heart with its "what are we thankful for," blah blah blah. Thanksgiving is extremely boring, but has kept its integrity in tact. Put them together and you’ve got heart and a new XBOX under the tree. How would it work? Pretty simple. Christmas Eve dinner becomes Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving/Christmas Eve or simply "Christgiving." (TM) (C) During December, the holiday pageants are broken into two acts: the story of Thanksgiving, where the kids are cute little Indians or Pilgrims—AWWWW!!!!!—and then the ever popular manger scene is the main event. The radio continues to play just Christmas songs, since they start after Halloween anyway, and maybe being part of Christmas will give Thanksgiving some much needed splash-over publicity. We should make Thanksgiving work for us, not the other way around. I agree it’s important to honor the Europeans who colonized here and slaughtered the natives, but why waste time and money on a holiday that many people just consider a rehearsal for Christmas anyway? Let’s put these two together and make Thanksgiving relevant again.

Oh, and in regards to getting off work, I say we replace Thanksgiving’s paltry day or two with "November Rest Week." You’re not even allowed to see family—only hang out with your chillest friends and order a fucking pizza.