Piers Morgan: men shouldn’t carry their baby in a sling

On Monday, a gleeful Piers Morgan claimed on Twitter it was emasculating for a man to carry their child in a baby sling. Morgan posted a photo of Daniel Craig who was holding his child in a sling with the caption: “Oh 007.. not you as well?!!! #papoose #emasculatedBond.”

With no one willing to tell Morgan that James Bond is not a real person, it was left for commenters to attack Morgan’s fragile understanding of fatherhood, including Captain America star Chris Evans, who accused Morgan of being “uncertain of your own masculinity” and “terrified on the inside”.

Morgan spent almost the entire day on Twitter reiterating his comments and delightedly arguing with detractors. In one moment of attention-seeking desperation he even tried to involve Donald Trump, tweeting: “Do you have a view about papooses, Mr President @realDonaldTrump? … I don’t really have you down as a papoose kinda guy, but then you’re full of surprises.”

When that didn’t work, he tweeted this disturbing image.

Wiz Khalifa: men shouldn’t eat bananas

Wiz Khalifa is an American rapper best known for his hit Black and Yellow, yet despite this he’s not a fan of the only fruit that is both colours. Appearing on Hot 97’s The Breakfast Club, Khalifa explained his theory that men shouldn’t eat bananas.

“If you bite a banana, you sus,” he said, using a slang term for “suspicious” that many commentators believe was used in this context to mean gay.

When challenged by the hosts, Khalifa clarified his rules by saying that men who insisted on eating the fruit and are “in public” should “break it into pieces” first, presumably because there is nothing more masculine than preparing fruit the same way you would for a small child.

Schweppes: men shouldn’t use social media

Sadly there are no men on Twitter. Photograph: Coca-Cola GB

Facebook has around 2.25 billion users and, according to one brand of tonic water, they’re all a bunch of kids. Schweppes ran a series of adverts that promised the drink has been “separating boys since 1783”, including one which read: “Men have status, boys are busy updating theirs.” The ad was posted on parent company Coca-Cola’s social media channels.

Mike Pence: men shouldn’t dine with a woman that’s not their wife

Mike Pence once said in an interview that he would never dine alone with a woman who wasn’t his wife, nor would he attend a party where they were serving alcohol without her. You might think that would cause an issue, considering how much of Washington decision-making happens in casual environments. But the vice-president has thought of a way round that: he works in a White House that has appointed the fewest number of women since the Reagan administration and has thus massively reduced any chance of being left alone with one of them.

Penny Lancaster: men shouldn’t cook

It’s maybe not surprising that someone married to Rod Stewart isn’t too bothered about updating their conceptions of masculinity. Appearing on the Loose Women talk show, Lancaster explained that while she “does agree with equal rights and if women want to go and work that’s fabulous”, she still believes that men who go “as far as cooking and putting the apron on, I think that, not belittles men, but takes the masculinity”.

Considering Lancaster’s 1950s views you might think she has dinner ready for Rod every night when he gets home, but in the same interview she explained the couple instead employ a personal chef.

“I do still go to the supermarket because I like to stay connected to reality,” she said. Perhaps she should go more often.