We already know that French women don’t get fat, they don’t get wrinkles, and they definitely don’t get gonorrhea on spring break. But did you know that French women with low self-esteem also never give bad fellatio – everrrrr? These are the French women you should be emulating. If you use their techniques, your oral will have any guy whispering, “Ooh la la,” as you anxiously wonder, “Do I look fat from this angle??” Here are the secrets to giving good fellatio that French women who hate themselves are just born knowing:

1. Maintain a balanced, varied diet of dick.

French women with low self-esteem know that if they fellate the same guy day after day, they’ll run out of the paralyzing anxiety that comes with trying to sexually please every man they come in contact with. As you begin settling into your truly French dick-sucking self-doubt, you’ll find you’re most insecure and willing to please when fellating a healthy assortment of men.

2. Don’t set arbitrary limitations on your fellatio. You’ll only break them.

If Guy wants you to quickly deep-throat his penis like a fresh baguette before he heads over to the Louvre, you can’t be like, “Sorry mon garçon; only once a week!” Trust that not fellating him will only make you feel worse. As you transition to giving head like a French girl with low self-esteem, you’ll realize that you can enjoy all the most indulgent techniques of your current fellating lifestyle. Do so in moderation, so you have enough time to bask in self-doubt when you’re finished.

3. Try to enjoy each moment of desperately trying to please him.

Foolish American women rush through all the beautiful moments in life, including fellatio. French women who hate themselves have a more sophisticated cultural approach. Instead of trying to hurry their man into a more mutually satisfying sexual position ASAP, they take the time to fully engage in the moment, and thoroughly berate themselves when their gag reflex ruins everything.

4. Make self-loathing French-girl fellatio a way of life.

A less cosmopolitan girl might assume that a few tricks or shortcuts can help her cheat her way to insecure French-girl fellatio. By now, you should know better. To truly become this dreamy, insecure shell of a French damsel, you must learn to cultivate a whole lifestyle of prioritizing HIS sexual pleasure at the minor expense of your own happiness, sanity, and pharyngeal health. Part of that beautiful lifestyle includes blaming yourself if a dude decides he’s kind of more in Brazilian girls at the moment.

Follows this advice, and soon, you’ll be giving head like a French girl who hates herself, instead of the non-French girl who hates herself that you already are.