Just what is it that politicians really mean when they say those things that they say?

The mind can understandably boggle upon its release from the grip of a politician's sentence. The intricate, some might say clever, weaving of words can trigger a slight pause in the listener's memory cells, often disguising beautifully the circumnavigation of the issue, and the failure to actually answer the question.

We're all aware that politics is like poker: You don't flash your hand. Too much exposé of one's clutch will only lead to tougher questioning. Hard questions are best avoided, so game players give very little away when they speak.

There is a set of phrases that exist to enable our crafty statesmen to imply they are giving away all the information, when in reality they are giving away very little. In effect, a form of verbal sleight-of-hand.

To use: Simply place this sentence at the start, or appropriate juncture, of the sentence you are about to speak. The sentence will still sound meaningful, but will have magically lost its meaning.

To understand: Hang on every word; repeat the sentence back in your head, if need be; then try to determine the literal meaning.

Here is a list of some of the most commonly used phrases this election and their meanings. If you've spotted others, feel free to leave a comment at the end and we'll look to include them.

"Well, that's the the truth as I see it."

Translates as: "Seriously, I don't want to see the whole picture and you're not going to make me."

Stubbornness is the key to any successful career in politics and this little beauty is the key to a basic qualification in stubbornness. Commit this baby to memory.

"Based on the information that I have..."

Translates as: "This answer is brought to you by the word 'incompleteness'."

If you hear this, either the politician has not been fully briefed on the issue or opted not to be fully briefed on the issue. You are not getting a full answer, but what you are being told should be enough to silence you for the time being.

"My understanding of it is..."

Translates as: "I want you to see it like this..."

This means the issue is pretty ambiguous and probably has a number of different interpretations. By using this phrase, the politician is goading you to take their preferred definition. Note that there are probably other ways of looking at this issue.

"To my knowledge..."

Translates as: "I'm not the be-all and end-all of all knowledge, you know, but it goes a little something like this..."

This is a rare instance where a politician may admit a minor weakness or fallibility. Don't be fooled, however, as they're merely 'taking one for the team'. Their admission will undoubtedly result in gains elsewhere for their regime.

"At the time..."

Translates as: "Yes, I may possibly have been mistaken then, but I am certainly not any more."

New evidence arises all the time. The lack of this evidence prior may have led to temporary small errors, but these have been resolved swiftly, so you need not worry. All is in hand, please believe them.

"What you've got to understand is..."

Translates as: "Don't talk up to me, peasant!"

This is you being put in your place by a ruler. They know more than you, you know less than them and here is the proof. The politician is coaxing you to accept the point of view about to be presented. You will accept it, or at least agree to understand it. Nod.

"I can't answer that, as I wasn't there..."

Translates as: "Excuse me while I dodge this!"

Denial is often a last resort, so disguise it well. Be sure to deny being there before you deny actions, however. Deflect, deflect! Absence is better than aberration.

"I can't accept that!"/"I reject that!"

Translates as: "Wait, while I think of a response."

This is probably just a long way of saying "no". The longer you can take to say anything in politics, the better, so lengthening the time it takes to say "no" is a top notch stalling tactic.

"The figures I have from Treasury say..."

Translates as: "Somebody told me..."

Poor Treasury. Treasury gets made responsible for a lot of things. Like Claire Voyant - poor girl. Has polling ever been done on how many New Zealanders know what Treasury is?

"The issues that matter to New Zealanders are..."

Translates as: "The issues that matter to some New Zealanders are..."

Clearly, when you hear this, not all New Zealanders are being represented. Best guess is that following that opening, you're going to hear some words that sound very populist; very soothing to the ears. It may matter to 2% of New Zealand as well, but this is not always a given.

"All the indicators are..."

Translates as: "The indicators that I am choosing to acknowledge are..."

There's an awful lot of indicators out there. They're everywhere. There's some in Northland, some in Southland, some on Stewart Island. How likely do you think it is that they're all indicating the same way, at the same time?

So, hopefully now you can speak Politician. It's a unique language that is evolving all the time. In fact, by the time you have read this article, it has been estimated that ten new phrases for dodging the point have been added to the lexicon of pollies. Study well, and don't let them fool you.

Happy election New Zealand.

source: data archive