POSTED BY: Bowzer

I figured I would share a little piece of wisdom that I picked up at the bar this past weekend. I only wish that I could take the credit for such a revolutionary idea, one that I predict will turn the people rating system industry on its axis.

So we’ve all been there, guys and gals. You’re standing there at the bar, and all of the sudden a member of the opposite sex walks in that you have never met. Immediately you turn to your group of friends, and what do you do? Only the most completely superficial thing known to mankind: reduce that person’s aggregate self-worth to a number between 1-10.

Now we all know the inherent problems with the traditional 1-10 rating system. Sure it’s simple, but how do you come up with one number to describe the intricate differences between various people? Surely not all 7’s or 8’s or 9’s are created equal. While some people utilize the decimal system to help with this problem, it just isn’t enough. Now let me introduce you to the area code system.

Okay, here is how it works. Every human being on the planet can be adequately described using a three-digit number (i.e. area code). The first digit denotes the rating of how attractive the face is (0-9). The second digit describes whether you would sleep with that person or not (0=no, 1=yes). And finally, the third digit describes how attractive the person’s body is (0-9). It’s a discrete and yet simple way to judge others in public without actually meeting them. Lets put this brand new rating system into practice, ladies and gentlemen, using celebrities that we are all familiar with:

Area Code Rating: 518

Rationale: Let’s be real, the huge nose and that mole just aren’t helping out her face’s cause. But her body is admittedly nice, and I’m pretty sure I could talk other girls into riding the tricycle with me and SJP just because she was on Sex and the City.

Area Code Rating: 813

Rationale: First of all, it’s been long enough, I’m allowed to make fun of her. Secondly, in her playmate days, Anna Nicole Smith was hands down a 919. But anyone who watched the Anna Nicole Show knew she eventually ballooned to walrus proportions. I gave her a second digit “1” for the fact that if she was still alive she would be a great hookup for painkillers.

Area Code Rating: 919

Rationale: She is the hottest girl on the planet. This is essentially the same person as goldenlocks [Editor’s Note – goldenlocks was a guest author on this site who is no longer with us. He was a dude with long, blonde hair] except female, attractive, down-to-earth, and not heading to rehab anytime soon. Please note that a 919 is “Kate Hudson hot.” Please only reserve this rating for girls that truly deserve it. So yeah, that swamp donkey sitting in the corner of the bar that you think is “kinda sorta cute” at closing time after too many pints? NOT a 919.

Area Code Rating: 000

Rationale: Ummm, I think we all understand the area code rating system by now.