Over the July 4th weekend a few friends were in town and several delightfully drunken evenings were spent lounging on our deck talking about many different topics. At one point, as conversation inevitably tends to do, the subject turned to scatology.

Our friend Andrea told the story of a friend of hers who was dating a man who had a strange shower habit. He enjoyed shitting in the shower and then squishing the shit down the drain with his toes. Her friend who discovered her boyfriend’s habit was apparently uncertain about what this habit meant and exactly how to proceed with the relationship. It was a great story and everyone listening agreed that it was a highly disturbing behavior and that there were a variety of theories to explain why someone would do this. Everyone also agreed that she should definitely end the relationship. The details of this conversation and the behavioral theories could be a blog in itself–especially for a psychiatrist–but I have other things to discuss.

You see, later the conversation turned to another bathroom phenomenon: People who pee in the sink. It has become known to certain of my friends that I have been known to do this. Yes. Me. I sometimes pee in the sink. There I’ve said it. And I don’t feel guilty. But I need to explain my logic and the important guidelines I’ve established.

1.) Pee is sterile.

2.) Sinks are unsterile

3.) People spit in their sink every day and occasionally vomit there.

4.) I don’t pee in my friends' sinks.

5.) I don’t pee in the kitchen sink.

6.) I run the water while I pee.

7.) I never shit in the sink.

8.) I don’t pee in the sink when there is a urinal nearby.

9.) I don’t pee in the tub unless I‘m showering in it.

10.) If I notice that any pee has missed the drain, I wipe it down.

11.) I keep the water running after I finish peeing while washing my hands.

12.) Peeing in the sink, although more readily accomplished by males, is not in any way limited to the male sex.

13.) Peeing in the sink feels good.

If you follow these simple rules, you can enjoy a life of responsible guilt-free sink-peeing. Now some of you might have some objections to these rules or even a few rules of your own. I look forward to hearing them. In the meantime I should also confess that I wait for the day that a Hollywood movie includes full frontal of a man peeing in the sink. I also await the day that it features a woman doing it too. Also, for the record, Trixie doesn’t mind that I pee in the sink, and sometimes, if the timing is right, she does it too. Now go find yourself a woman like that!

Oh, and while you’re at it, check out these photos.

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