A prospective EDM fan from Newark, New Jersey, is planning to base his musical taste entirely on the end of year polls released by a number of EDM blogs.

John Reilly, a sixteen year old high school student, claimed that he wants to be an EDM fan because it seems “cool” and the “girls at the concerts look kinda slutty” but admitted that he doesn’t know enough about the commercial version of dance music to form an opinion on what he should like.

“My musical taste up until now has been kind of embarrassing,” admitted the blushing teen. “I’ve mostly been listening to tween-friendly, Disney Club kinda shit but I can’t stand that stuff anymore. Mostly because the girls in the videos are too young for me to fantasise about now. It’s alright for a twelve year old dude to fantasise about a twelve year old girl but I’m sixteen now and it’s time to move on.”

“EDM seems really cool, all the seniors in school are always talking about it so I’m going to get into that now,” continued John. “They have these big concerts called raves and all the chicks wear bikinis and minis skirts. You could easily get to second or even third base with a girl if you went to one. They look so cool, way better than a One Direction gig, who would naturally be my next best option after EDM.”

“I don’t really know what EDM bands I should be listening to but luckily enough all of these blogs have these end of year polls that tell you who you should like so I’ve been checking out a couple of those to find out who’s cool,” explained John, who lists making fart noises in his armpit and seeing how high he can piss against walls as some of his hobbies. “I already know there’s this band called Hardwell who are supposed to be really good. I was looking for their album to download but I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I’ll keep trying though.”

“A lot of the biggest EDM acts seem to be from Europe,” claimed John with a level of geographical knowledge well above the pay grade of a typical sixteen year old high school student before crashing back to earth with, “I think that’s in Nebraska so I might try and get out there and see some EDM for myself soon.”

“There’s also some EDM girl called Molly who’s really popular, I always hear the seniors talk about her and how good she was at the raves but I can’t find her on any of the polls so I guess she must be kinda underground. I’m sure I’ll find her eventually.”