Leave it to The Donald to tell the truth about the whole sorry mess. Picked at on "buying politicians" by Rand Paul, who is so desperate for political oxygen at this point that he looks like one of those beached fish in an ad for asthma medicine, The Donald counterpunched with the simple, undeniable fact that most of the other rodeo clowns on stage with him wouldn't even be there if they weren't all in it for the money.

Paul: Hey, look, look! He's already hedging his bet on the Clintons, OK? So if he doesn't run as a Republican, maybe he supports Clinton, or maybe he runs as an independent…

Baier: OK.

Paul: …but I'd say that he's already hedging his bets because he's used to buying politicians.

Trump: Well, I've given him plenty of money.

There followed an amazing moment in which some of the candidates scrambled to reassure the public that their campaign treasuries were free of Trumpian money cooties. It was reminiscent of that moment a few elections back when the entire Republican field was asked if it believed in evolution and three of them – 30 percent of the candidates – said no. These people will beg for money from aging gargoyles like Foster Friess. These people will beg for money from international vice lord Sheldon Adelson. These people would drag their balls over six miles of broken glass just to listen to planet despoilers Charles and David Koch piss on the radio. But they're proud that they never took money from someone who was mean on Twitter to Rosie O'Donnell. What a thoroughgoing, catastrophic burlesque this entire political party is. It should be torn down and replaced by a good, honest brothel. Maybe Trump can subcontract out the job of building the lobby.

(And was I the only one that heard Trump talk about building a "big, beautiful door" in the wall he plans to build on the southern border and thought, jeez, is he going to put a white grand piano and a waterfall there, too? Classy!)

The whole thing was a mess, from the moderators on down. If you brought a political scientist from Jupiter down to watch it, he'd think it was a skit they put on to entertain their fellow patients from other patients in the chronic ward. On a day when a massive typhoon was roaring toward mainland China, there were only two questions in both debates that even vaguely touched on climate change. The first concerned whether Lindsey Graham's simple belief in the crisis would be enough to kill him among Republican primary voters. (Hint: yes.) The second came when Paul's snarked at Chris Christie for having hugged the president after superstorm Sandy blew half of the Jersey Shore off toward the Azores. Voting rights? What are those? Black lives matter? They do? Let's talk more about protecting the rights of Zygote-Americans.

There was, however, plenty of room for extremism. War with Iran instead of peace. Ben Carson, a physician, gave a wink and a nod to resuming torture as national policy. Rick Santorum – and have I mentioned what a colossal dick Rick Santorum is – bristled with outraged dignity and obvious resentment that the 2012 Runner-Up was consigned to the undercard and announced that the Supreme Court's decision on marriage equality was the equivalent of the Dred Scott decision. Several of them advocated the position that Zygote-Americans are entitled to the rights guaranteed under the Fourth and Fourteenth Amendment, an extraordinarily radical position. And, needless to say, the phony Planned Parenthood videos were taken as gospel by everyone of the candidates, even by John Kasich, whose overall performance otherwise demonstrated that he was the only marginally compassionate actual human being on the stage, which should be enough to catapult him into the top tier of candidates but, hey, come on, who are we kidding here?

Kelly: Senator Rubio, you favor a rape and incest exception to abortion bans. Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York just said yesterday those exceptions are preposterous. He said they discriminate against an entire class of human beings. If you believe that life begins at conception, as you say you do, how do you justify ending a life just because it begins violently, through no fault of the baby?

Rubio: Well, Megyn, first of all, I'm not sure that that's a correct assessment of my record. I would go on to add that I believe all–

Kelly: You don't favor a rape and incest exception?

Rubio: I have never said that. And I have never advocated that. What I have advocated is that we pass law in this country that says all human life at every stage of its development is worthy of protection. In fact, I think that law already exists. It is called the Constitution of the United States.

Holy hell. Get the fcking net.

This debate served two purposes, and two purposes only. The first was to make money for Fox News, and to reinforce its influence within party. It apparently did that splendidly, thereby ensuring that Roger Ailes's position as a kingmaker remained secure. The second was to be part of eternal auction of souls demanded by the new age of legalized influence-peddling. The Donald was right. These people are all crazy for money. What they will do to the country is not something I care to think about right now.

Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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