Secrets.. NO MORE!!! Norm Armanti, Diane Richards, Brittany Richards

What controls our lives are lies and secrets.. This is not my fault but what was forced on me as a vulnerable child makes me act out today and I don't want this in my life NO MORE! I forgive those that hurt me as it is not there fault either but will be mine if i hold back the lies and truth. The abusers will be accountable if they continue today knowing they are continuing to act out even though they are forgiven but dont care to try and do right by fixing the wrong in there lives and others because there wrong was most likely passed to them as a child.

NORM ARMENTI

this is my moms boyfriend for the last 3 Years, probably more but I Have only been involved in my mothers life for the last 3 years. Norm at first seemed like he was going to be a good catch for my mom but soon I started to see the kind of person Norm really was. He was just another bad influence so I thought on my mother. I remember the first time I met him I could tell he was a cracky And the conversation he would engage in was very inappropriate. It had a sexual underlining and everything he talked about really had nothing of interest to me. At first I just thought he had poor social skills then I just thought he was an idiot. The first incident I had with him where I took notice of the sexual attraction he was displaying towards me was one evening at his house when I went over there because I had gone to see my mom upset about my own personal life and she said I could spend the night at Norms, she called him and asked him to pick me up from her program as I could not stay there. He was there in 30 minutes and I was soon on my way to his place feeling upset in my own thoughts. He stopped at the store and asked if I wanted alcohol and ciggarettes or if I was hungry. I said yes to all of the above. I stayed in the car and he was soon back with a pack of parliaments, a handle or a gallon(not sure of the exact size but it was the biggest one) of Captain Morgan, and a bag of frozen burritos. I then lowered my guard as I was now thinking, "ok, I'll have a smoke and catch a buz, eat something then go to sleep and wake up not so in the funk I was feeling and I'll be able To deal with everything tomorrow... We got back to his house and I began to binge drink and I already knew that he was a "druggie" because of my moms slip ups I recognized without confronting, most importantly my own demons pharmacea, So in my drunken depressed angry stuper asked him if he had any sh*. He said yes and got some out and I got some foil and started to smoke it. I got so high I started rambling on conversating with him. In the next hour, hour and a half he had 2 visitors 1 was his neighbor that was buying a sack from him quick in and out then the other was his friend Andy who had a pipe so I smoked a bunch more till he left about 20 mins after he arrived. After a couple more glasses of straight CM on the rocks, I sat on the computer chair in front of him as he layed on the bed going through his phone while talking to me. He asked me questions about my mom and started reading me their text messages back and forth and asked my opinion. At first I thought how dumb and weird that he would even think to start sharing this with me but then I soon forgot that feeling as I took a couple more hits And the entire feeling of WRONG, BAD, RED FLAG, from moment he gave the pack of cigarettes and handle of liquor slowly started to be a faint whisper instead of the LOUD BANG it is to me now as I look back. He was texting my mom and she was texting him for the next hour while we asked. He proceeded to tell me how my mom and him don't have sex and how she's crazy and mean. He then asked me about my sex life and How my mom told him I used to live in Vegas and what did I do out there etc.... I rambled on about Vegas and my crazy sexual experiences then and now and I immediately felt uncomfortable and the whisper was fainter and fainter then I asked him for some Xanax and told him I was going to go to sleep. He gave me a couple and I washed them down with a tall glass of CM. I went to the living room and turned off all the lights and passed out. I woke up to him touching me and I didn't think it was him or even remembered where I was or who I was with. I was just feeling the sensation of the sexual touching going on and I was enjoying it. It's hard to talk about now because it disgusts me. But then I realized it was him and I still proceeded still f***** up, started to think of anger and evil and hate, I thought of my mom, depression, and sick sick sickness and I sat up as he kissed my neck and I s***** his d*** then he got on top of me and began to f*** me. It lasted about 5 minutes and put his d*** back into my mouth and came. Then he stood up and zipped his pants and asked me to make sure I turned to coffee pot on and if I could iron his shirt for work then went into his room and shut the door. I was so disgusted I went into the kitchen and put soap in my mouth and washed my face and then I went into Terra's bedroom and took a shower with only a bar of soap. Everything was disgusting around me and me to me was sick. I finished the bottle and was still drunk so went back on the couch and passed back out. When I woke up he was already gone for work. I woke up to the answering machine of my moms voice and then followed by the ringing of the phone. It was my moms name on the caller ID. I answered it and talked to her about my depression and I just remember the disgust and guilt and hearing her caring and loving and giving advice and she said she would come over today around 3 (it was 1:32 I remember looking at clock on top of tv as we talked) and stay till she had to be home at 11. She came over. We hung out watched tv and then Norm got home around 6pm. When he got home I felt extremely awkward and so I went into Terra's room and slept. My mom came in and woke me up around 9:30 so I got up and ate with her. Norm stayed in his room on some gambling thing until she had to leave and when they left I took more Xanax from his stash spot and showered and turned off all lights in house and went back to sleep. I heard him come back but he didn't bother me and the next morning he was gone again before I woke (I can hear every time when he leaves but it is brief and I always stay asleep to eventually fall back a sleep but I am a heavy sleeper since I was young now as an adult mixed with heavy narcoti and alcohol use I am a lighter sleeper At times other times I am not, going on a tangent). Terra's came over and hung out with me so that night I was all good again and then I finally started to deal with my issues that got me into another issue (this one) which I would continue to deal with for another whole day and then I went back to my other reality because that Friday or Saturday Damian picked me up where I found my real comfort and I attempted now to make that right. Everywhere and everything I have F***** up ROYALLY, the things I truly care about are the things I f*** up the most: GOD my relationship by clouding it and letting demonic spirits get the best of me, my daughter And not giving her the mother she deserves which I know I can be and is the only real happiness that I want when she's happy to just be with her mommy, the one true love of a man I now want to marry and just be a mother of the nest with and I allowed so much water muddy water get in under that bridge.... NO MORE I AM A WOMAN A CHILD OF GOD AND I CHANGE TODAY.

2nd TIME

I got back from San Francisco with Henio whom I just slept with (will cover that in its own chapter... This is complete sexual acts that took place with Norm) and I hate myself, I'm disgusting to look at, I'm weak, I'm drugged out (though I have been sober for about 7 consecutive days) and I feel gross and the only place I have to go is f****** Norms house who bugs the f** out of me now and I act like nothing ever happened to block it out. It's daytime and my mom is there which I was so happy about. It was like 7pm. I bulls****** for a bit with my mom and smoked cigs with her and she shared some wisdom and I expressed to her how I felt about my life at that point. We went outside, sat on a bench talking then took a walk then back inside. Norm stayed in his room (always does even when I'm there alone which I have been But most of the time someone is there) and my mom went in the room and they came out around 10 or 10:30 before leaving to get her home by 11. Again while they were gone I got everything ready to pass out so I would not have to talk to him or anything and right as I was about to shut the light off he walked through the door. I froze and thought F*** cuz I hadn't had to talk to him really since the first sexual encounter though I was around him several times. I stopped dead in my tracks and he handed me a del taco bag with some fries and a taco in it. I was starving so I decided to ignore everything and sit down and eat. He went in his room and then left and said he would be right back. I ate and then sat on couch and watched tv. He was literally back in like 10 minutes with a pack of smokes He threw to me, Set down on coffee table in front of me another big bottle of CM, a bag of Walgreens groceries which I could see 2 TV dinners, some candy bars, and a 2Lt of coke and as he set the bag down a box of condoms fell out simotaneoysly he set down a s*** pipe and a sack of s***.... CAN YOU SAY RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG about 5 separate times from the minute he returned until this particular moment? The voice on my left shoulder did but the one On my right narrowed in on the pipe lighter already in my hand because I was in prep to smoke a cig so mental block out I set cigs down and picked up the pipe already loaded and took like 10 huge rips in a row blowing out the hugest "foggers". He was making small talk about my mom and an episode of bipolar he thought she had a couple days before (which my mom already told me but in such a way that as he told it now he just sounded like a dumb a*s and my mom just sort of pulled a fast one on him checking him as she was in charge and her story was much funnier and stimulating as she said how he bugs her etc... She also related in her story one of my grandparents which I was thinking about as he told his side and I was laughing a little tuning him out) He brought over a glass of ice and poured me a drink. I started empty soul I look back now to describe that moment (I have had a lot of these now as I look back which result into blocking out and another Brit who hates this Brit would come out that had to cope with the dirty disgusting things the other Brit did; both are gross though these Brits both drugged out and unhappy and empty....there are a few more to introduce later, what a trip I'm just realizing all of this as I tell the "Norm" acts and I'm starting to unravel and reveal, more to me then I even knew but as I talk about it now before I even finish a thought I see in the back another part of my brain going through a reel of pictures and all of me but different people all telling a story and the first couple are dark and demonic and angry and cursing and then the boldest ones that stand out are beautiful and stern and posses guidance and wisdom and truth and look like "4points or pillars" to me and then there's 2 little girls age 5 and age 12..... Need to address this later.

BACK TO NORM, I'm sitting on couch getting whacked out he just brought me a glass and made me a stiff drink and is making small talk. He goes into his room and brings out a deck of cards and asks if I want to play gin which I don't really know how but I am so spracked and keep up the drinking then smoking then smoking meth then drinking then smoking then smoking meth so on and so on rambling on about nothing I can remember. I always talk s*** on drugs though usually saying mean things that were true but as I look back I don't like How I would always do that. I started to feel extremely intoxicated and Norm told me that there were some of my clothes in his closet that my mom had hung up, me being spracky Get up and start pillaging through his closet and I found myself knee deep looking around and just feeling (now that I look back its that empty soul feeling) junktified. He reached into the other side of the closet and pulled out a silky night gown and handed it to me. He told me it was for my mom but she never would wear it and asked me to put it on. I stopped and drank the entire glass of liquor and told him to go get me a shot glass and the bottle. He did, I put the dress on. I got into the bed and feeling somewhat as if I had already violated myself, hated myself, was angry how I did the deed with this Gross guy who I now hated for wanting me and for doing that to my mom, then I felt angry with my mom because she was not that dumb in fact she was wayyy too smart to get caught up in a relationship like that one then I remember thinking of all the horrible relationship advice she would give me and how even in my darkest hour all the bad things she said would be good and all the good I had she made me feel bad about.... These things ran through my mind then and now....he came back in I took like 6 shots in a row and he used the rest room. It crept up fast I was completely hammered and full of hate and he came closer to the bed, he said I was so hot and I pulled him closer told him to shut the f*** up and take his pants off. I s***** his d*** Saying gross things like does my mom s*** his d*** good and how does she do it and he replied with no's, your so hot, and then he got on top of me and had in his hand a condom he stopped and put it on and we f***** For a few minutes he stopped pulled the condom off and jerked off onto my chest and stomach. He Got up and went to the bathroom I quickly got up And wiped myself off with a clean shirt of his got into my original clothes and was extremely grossed out. As I was walking out he talked through the closed door for me to stay in his bed and he would sleep on couch probably thinking I would say for us both to stay in bed but I Said no I'm already going to couch I'm super tired and that I never wanted to sleep with him and not to ask me again and good night I had a lot going on the next few days and left his room closing door behind mE. I went to tarahs bathroom again and showered and went straight to sleep. I woke up the next morning and he was gone and I had made plans to take grace for a few days. Heino dropped her off to me and I spent the day at my moms program all day with grace because I felt too depressed to even watch her and my mom wanted to see her and I of course felt like she needed to see her mommy. Then I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I look back and should not have seen her because it would be better on her to not see me then to see a complacent drugged out w***e for a mother or role model. I went back to Norms with Grace and my mom that night and as soon as Grace went to sleep I got higher than high. I didn't even care that my mom was there I got high right in front of her and she just turned her head. Talked some s**t but I told her that everyone could f*** off and die. That evening I took a taxi to Damian's house with the baby at 1am drunk and high as f*** because it always was where I belonged deep down I felt that but soon enough I would continue to do things to sabatoge the relationship so he would just give up on me. Once I was there I felt safe and I felt as broken as I was, I felt whole again. Soon the immaturity and "tough girl" would drive me out and I again would run (that's all a whole other chapter....getting off track, back to subject). That was end of 2nd act.

There was about a 1-2 month time period between 1 & 2 between 2 & 3 I want to say almost a year. I have to check back but 1 was after 1st Easter(I continued to s****.> LAST TIME WITH NORM Last sexual encounter with Norm. Took place around February 12th or 13th or something because it was the day after I got out of detox. I was drunk depressed sober from my 10 month slam binge and had the fakest night ever with Henio so I could see Grace and Henio came on so strong it was extremely irritating and was a trigger to use again just as I finally got off my slam binge (I believe that, at least for me, to BRAKE a slam binge you NEED to be COMPLETELY ISOLATED from needles, speed, and all triggers for at minimum I had henio drop me off at norms. I waited there about 45 mins for him to finally get there. I was hoping to see my mom because I knew she usually slept there these days but hadn't seen her since before Christmas. I sat on the stairs and fell asleep after polishing 3 bottles of red and white wine at dinner(just getting out of detox) fresh in my mind how I hated still everything that was me, how bad of a mother, how horrible of a daughter, what a loser trying to be cool. Just lame. Norm got there and started laughing poking me to wake up. I woke up and he helped carry in my bags. It was late so I didn’t do much small talk said I needed to get to sleep so I showered up and got ready for bed. When I got out Of shower he had left me some pills different ones and the pipe and a flask of jack Daniels on the table in living room and everything was quiet and seemed asleep. I got my bed made up on couch and turned the tv on, lights off, sat down crushed a Xanax snorted it and started to drink as I watched tv. I felt good. I started dozing. Norm came out of the room and nudged me I woke fast cuz it had only been minutes as I noticed the same show on. He started touching me and I got up, I remembered I had left a last needle filled with a big shot. I said f*** it. I did the shot came out into living room from Terra's bathroom and started s******* his d**. I was all jezabelled out. He lifted my legs and f***** me on the couch. When it was over I immediately Dressed and came to following moments I felt like slitting my wrists but instead I took all the pills Xanax seraquil Valuum and a soma About 6 total washed them down with the flask and went got under the covers on the couch. He went to his room As I started taking he pills and was talking to me but I completely ignored him. Turned darker than I already was and he got the picture. I remember him saying "fine then good night b****", I felt like stabbing him. I thought why stab him death comes to my mind I could not even stay sober and only family I felt at that time were these people. What is this? Who am I? Woke up around 9am to my mom again. She called to say she was coming over and we should discuss what my life was going to be from here on out. She came over and norm had left the keys to his extra car. We left before he got home and I went to her house where I stayed for 2 days so I wouldn't have to see norm and my mom didn't either which I found weird then now looking back I am starting to see things differently. I did see Norm a handful of times but was quick in and out or passing and never was alone again.