"Why would I want to push you away? I love you!" - Peter Parker

When Spider-Man was released in 2002, it almost singlehandedly laid the groundwork for the current superhero boom. Smart, funny, bold and kinetic, its influence can still be felt in everything from Batman Begins to The Avengers. 2004's Spider-Man 2 went even further; roping in Michael Chabon to enrich the themes and deepen the characters in a way that's pretty much become standard for modern comic book films. And then came Spider-Man 3.

Spider-Man 3 is just as influential as its predecessors. Why? Because it's the perfect example of how a sure-fire hit can go horribly wrong if you take your eye off the ball for even a second.

Spider-Man 3 could have been brilliant, but it was so laden with baggage – too many villains, too many love interests, a protagonist who largely telegraphed his emotions by changing his haircut, an egg-based dance-off, a criminally negligent butler, two other dance-offs and the casting of Topher Grace – that it forgot how to be cohesive or fun. It made a ton of money, but the thing was a mess – such a mess that the studio had to pull the plug and start again with last year's The Amazing Spider-Man.

"Look, I want to kill the spider, you want to kill the spider. Together, he doesn't stand a chance" - Venom

You can't fault Spider-Man 3's intentions. It was supposed to knock Peter Parker off his perch; making him more fallible and showing us the consequences of his actions. However, this plan had two problems. First, the opening half of Spider-Man 2 already covered this subject so masterfully that repeating it automatically felt redundant. Second, this is Spider-Man. It's easy to make a darker version of Batman – because he dresses in black and lives in a cave and is haunted by grief and has a voice like Phyllis from Coronation Street – but Spider-Man is a primary-coloured teenager who wears a stag night bodysuit, has magical powers and happily describes himself as "friendly". He doesn't suit moody introspection at all.

This might explain the introduction of Venom in this film; after all, if someone as naturally sunny as Peter Parker is going to become convincingly malevolent, it's probably going to take some sort of mind-altering alien symbiote. But even then, the effects of this malevolence don't really stretch to much. At his most nefarious, Parker basically just grows a My Chemical Romance fringe and walks down the street winking at girls. Not even Evil Superman from Superman III was that lame. At least he straightened the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

"I've seen things in this house I've never spoken of…" - Bernard

By the end of the film, things have fallen apart completely. There are so many villains that none can develop properly. Mary Jane's role has been concentrated into a single needy, shrewish shriek. Characters can only move forward emotionally if they dance somehow. And then, just when you think things couldn't get any more hopeless, Spider-Man 3 introduces the single worst character in all of cinema history: Bernard the butler.

Throughout the Spider-Man trilogy, the story is told of Harry Osborn's determination to kill Spider-Man. Wrongly assuming that Spider-Man killed his father – and eventually leaning Spider-Man's true identity – Harry vows to get revenge. The cost is huge. By the end of this film, Harry's vengeance has all but destroyed a city. It's cost him his friends, his fortune, his reputation. His face has been mutilated. He's alienated everything he's ever loved. Death, surely, awaits him.

And then Bernard the sodding butler pops up. It's only at this point, after Harry has wrongheadedly lost everything in a berserk quest to murder Spider-Man, that Bernard speaks. "Oh, by the way" he yammers, "Spider-Man totally didn't kill your father. I saw it happen and everything. Spider-Man's OK. Sorry Harry, I meant to tell you this at the end of the first film when it would have made sense, but I am an unconscionable pillock and I forgot. Soz!". Do you know how much crap we all had to sit through, Bernard, just because you didn't open your mouth earlier? I watched James Franco cook an omelette and dance the twist because of your failure to speak up. I hate you, Bernard the butler.

Observations

• One thing that irked me about the introduction of Venom is that, again, Spider-Man 2 did it so much better. In that film, Mary Jane is engaged to astronaut John Jameson before she leaves him for Peter Parker. Wouldn't it have been so much better if Jameson was Venom, bringing the symbiote back from space and chasing Parker for vengeance?

• That said, the film isn't completely terrible. Thomas Haden Church makes a great, guilt-ridden Sandman, and JK Simmons is typically great as J Jonah Jameson. And how can you fully hate a film where Bruce Campbell channels John Cleese in his longest cameo of the series?

• Then again, Peter Parker does dance, so it's not entirely impossible. There are three dance scenes in this film. Three. And none in The Dark Knight. That's why The Dark Knight is a better film.

• Still, well done to Iron Man 2 for copying every single one of Spider-Man 3's mistakes. Hollywood never learns, does it?