NOTE: This post will make a lot more sense if you read this first.

When it came to petting cats, as a slow-moving human with a soothing voice, I had no problem getting headbutts from Chicago’s most beautiful cats.

I could have any cat I wanted. I met some nice adult cats, but invariably I went for the fluffiest, most adorable kittens I could find.

My life was pretty much this:

I petted as many as three kittens a week, many of them cute enough to be kitten gif models, but eventually I realized that petting the cutest young things had its drawbacks — I found them flighty, silly and vapid.

I mean, look at these ridiculous creatures.

Adorable kittens who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves. Eventually, I was dreading booping them on their tiny kitten noses because they were constantly being distracted by whatever shiny thing entered their field of vision. Literally.

Looking for a cat with a greater attention span than a gnat, I started petting a couple of cats who aren’t cat calendar models. The two are now living in my apartment with me and occasionally vomiting on things. I met them at a local cat shelter.

People like me who don’t mind talking in a baby voice and who aren’t given to sudden, startling movements have the pickings when it comes to petting cats but eventually I found that I wanted a cat of substance, not a ball of fluff.

The cats I pet now couldn’t be gif models, but they are still pretty kitties aren’t you yes you are!

When people get to a certain age, they realize that it’s important to pet kitties that don’t spend their entire waking life careening around the apartment knocking things over. Just part of their waking life doing that. All right, 80%. But come on, you’ve got to admit that kittens are kind of exhausting.

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