Photograph by Win McNamee / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel’s office has obtained Donald J. Trump’s long-suppressed SAT scores, Robert Mueller confirmed on Thursday.

After the SAT results were retrieved, a forensics lab examined the microscopic scores and positively identified them as Trump’s, the special counsel explained.

Mueller said that he did not seek Trump’s SAT scores because he thought that they would have any bearing on his investigation of Russian meddling in the 2016 election. “My team has been putting in long hours and working very, very hard,” he said. “I just thought they deserved a good laugh.”

Although he refused to divulge Trump’s exact SAT scores, Mueller hinted that they did reflect well on Trump in one respect. “From these SATs, it’s evident that he did not cheat off anyone else’s paper,” he said.