A young man and a young woman run in slow motion along a hall. He, long-haired and flamboyantly dressed, looks like he might be in a glam rock band in the 70s. She, a hippy-chick groupie perhaps, wide-eyed and golden-curled, wears something floaty and see-through. The hall is long, and opulent, gold all over the place. Plus mirrors, lots of mirrors.

Now they’ve found a room, the clothes are gone, and she’s on top, still in slow-mo. And she’s got an orange, she’s squeezing it on him. Sticky! Pippy, perhaps? He seem to be enjoying it, though. Juicy!

Not the 70s, quite. ’67: 1667. Versailles (BBC2), you may have guessed from the mirrors (and titles). And actually a dream (I’ve had similar ones). “You dream of paradise,” Anne of Austria tells her son, Louis, in his dream. “But you must build it for yourself, and let the world know Louis the Great has arrived.” Not long, before he arrives, so to speak, things get stickier still. Also, quite complicated, having your mum in a dream like that, no?

He’s Louis XIV of course. And he sets about building that dream, building his palace with the long, mirrored hall, and his absolute monarchy away from the dangers of Paris and plotting noblemen. Making plenty more love, too, with plenty more ladies. First, there’s official Mrs the Fourteenth, Spanish and pregnant, not a barrel of laughs but luckily by no means exclusive.

This Henriette looks more fun, emerging from the lake in something so clingy and see-through she may as well not be wearing anything … oh, now she’s not, nor is Louis, and they’re at it. No fruit this time. Next, he’s got a handful of someone else, Louise, at Mass (presumably why she later self-flagellates as penance). And still Louis’s eyes wander; there’ll be more, you’ll see. Louis the Phwoarteenth.

All true, too – well mostly true, then stretched a little, for extra fun, you’ll know if you saw The Real Versailles on BBC2 the other day. Catch up if you didn’t, it’s useful background. When I did Louis XIV at school it wasn’t half as entertaining – all about difficult noblemen and Spaniards, I seem to remember.

Turns out wet Henriette is actually married to Louis’s brother Philippe: that’s also complicated. But here’s Philippe giving a blowy to Monsieur Chevalier. I think – everyone looks the same, and like they’re in the same glam rock band. Louis’s valet, Bontemps, is about the only person who doesn’t seem to be having a good time, ironically. It’s a wonder Versailles got built at all. Well, there are peasants to do that, they’re not having a good time.

It’s not (quite) all about sex. Those noblemen do feature, plotting against the king. Paranoid, he puts together a team to intercept, unseal and read mail, searching for dissent, potential terrorism; an early French version of the NSA. And they – the noblemen – aren’t paying their taxes … there’s modern relevance all over the place, Snowden and the Panama Papers! I like the way they dealt with tax evasion back then: hand cleavered off by Fabien Marchal the hitman.

Here are some Spaniards, too, sent to assassinate Louis but intercepted by Fabien. He stabs one, then stamps his head into the mud. Another has his head bashed in with a hammer. I worry for the one who’s still alive. See, it’s not just about sex: there’s violence too.

If it’s nuance you’re after, depth of character, or meticulous authenticity, then you may be in the wrong place (though it does look splendid – good work director of photography Pierre-Yves Bastard). Wolf Hall this isn’t, though it does have actual wolves, aaaoooorrooow. More like Jeu de Trones meets Emmanuelle. It is a French Canal+ production, made in English in order to recoup from international sales the £21m it cost to make (Versailles shouts international sales from its gilded rooftop). With a cast from all over – I’m getting English, Scottish, Welsh, Canadian, German. Some French people must be loathing it, having their magnificent history not only turned into a vulgar spectacle, but one in English. I see it’s been branded “porn dressed up in cravat and tights” here, and that a Tory MP is cross about it. I thought Tory MPs liked that kind of thing, especially with oranges …

I’m enjoying Versailles. It is a trashy, extravagant romp that takes liberties with the actuality. It is also, undeniably, quite a lot of fun.