ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Member for Kennedy, Bob Katter, called a press conference this morning to tell reporters that the royal commission into the banks was a waste of time and money – and that he’d just watched a documentary about an American golfer and his coach the night before.

Katter said he wasn’t going to waste any more time on the royal commission and the big end of town it serviced because he’d just seen the story of a man called Chubbs Peterson and the traumatic experience he’d had with an alligator.

“In America, they let their alligators live on golf courses,” Katter said to a group of uppity city-based journalists.

“Now,”

“I don’t know about you, Lane ‘The Human Hair Transplant’ Calcutt, but I don’t think that is a very good idea. Now. I watched a documentary last night in my hotel motel room. It was called Happy Gilmore. Now. Happy was a happy-go-lucky type operator [laughs] but his coach, his name, was Chubbs Peterson,”

“Now,”

“Chubbs had one hand. He was not born with one hand. His mother, she did not drink Thalidomide during her pregnancy. Chubbs had one hand because it was eaten by an alligator when he was out playing golf,”

“Now,”

“Excuse me, Mrs Tingle but this is no laughing matter. It is a recurring nightmare of mine that Australian golfers could be eaten by a crocodile while out enjoying one of Northern Australia’s fine golf courses. We can remedy this by taking out the maneaters. Not every crocodile, just the ones capable of eating a man. A man eater, if you will.”

Katter also went on to explain that anti-vehicle bollards need to be placed on the edge of fairways to prevent professional golfers from being run over by Greens voters in Volkswagen Beetles.

The Charters Townserian then called an end to the press conference before he took any questions, however, no reporter had their hand up in the first place.

More to come.