As I’ve noted in the past, Beto O’Rourke has only two notable accomplishments under his belt: getting away with fleeing the scene of a drunk-driving accident, and getting away with transforming himself from a white dude into a Latino. He couldn’t win a literal popularity contest against Ted Cruz — I repeat, Ted Cruz — but he won the hearts of his most important constituency. No, not women or minorities or the LGBTQRST community. The press! They love this guy. They can’t get enough of him. Seems like every week there’s another glowing, worshipful magazine profile of Beto. Did you know he was in a rock band? Did you know he can stand on a moving skateboard for seconds at a time without falling off? Did you know he sweats a lot, but in a cool way? Did you know he seems like he’d be a really interesting guy to hang out with? Etc. For all their talk about diversity and inclusion and intersectionality, a lot of Democrats really just want yet another white dude telling them what to do.

And I mean they really, really want him.

I’d call Beto an empty suit, but he doesn’t like to wear suits. He’s just an empty sweat-soaked periwinkle dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves. He’s non-threatening. He’s irresistible to the #Resistance. He’s Not Trump, in a subtly different way than the several dozen other Not Trumps running in 2020. Are you sure we can’t interest you in this particular flavor of Not Trump?

Once upon a time, all of 130 days ago, Beto said this:

Turn up the volume and listen to what Beto says here pic.twitter.com/jX2fz5KQ8h — Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) March 14, 2019

“I don’t wanna do it. I will not do it… Our family could not survive more of that.”

I admire Beto’s passionate commitment to his family over the rigors of another political campaign, and by the way, that was just a bunch of crap:

I am running to serve you as the next president. The challenges we face are the greatest in living memory. No one person can meet them on their own. Only this country can do that, and only if we build a movement that includes all of us. Say you’re in: https://t.co/EKLdkVET2u pic.twitter.com/lainXyvG2n — Beto O’Rourke (@BetoORourke) March 14, 2019

Well, she didn’t contradict him…

And if you thought that was exciting, check this out:

Beto O’Rourke speaks in Iowa after launching his 2020 bid: “We have the single greatest mechanism to call forth the genius of our fellow human beings. This democracy … can bring the ingenuity, the creativity, the resolve of an entire country” https://t.co/vjldpxJmP9 pic.twitter.com/Iwfs5Yr7TC — CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) March 14, 2019

Okay, okay! We get it, Beto is stoked. We’re all Americans, good things are good, now is the time and this is the place, and so forth. He looks and sounds like an actor playing a vigorous, youthful presidential candidate on a CW espionage show filmed in Canada for tax reasons.

Beto gets away with drunken car accidents like a Kennedy, he appropriates other cultures like Elizabeth Warren, and he marries into wealth like John Kerry. He’s the total package!

I don’t like cults of personality, no matter the personality. Say what you want about Trump, but at least he has a personality.

Nobody knows what’s going to happen in 2020, least of all me, but I’m still rooting for Kamala. I want the Dems to prove their commitment to women and people of color. And I want to watch Trump call her “Brown Sugar” in a debate and go up 10 points in the polls.

But if Beto gets the nomination, at least I’ll have plenty of material!