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"I'm so afraid of saying something that someone will actually do," Ben Schwartz says midway through offering advice for our Ask a Comedian series. But it turns out that Schwartz is pretty good at balancing real, sincere answers with jokes. The comedian is currently starring on the fourth season of Showtime's House of Lies, airing Sunday nights, and has become familiar with a slightly more serious tone working on the series with Don Cheadle and Kristen Bell. This season of House of Lies will be a big one for Schwartz's character Clyde. "He gets a love interest," Schwartz says. "He meets his father. And in this season the most fucked-up thing that could happen to my character, happens. The worst scenario so far, by leaps and bounds. It was a really cool arc and hopefully I did it justice."

Schwartz is also back on the current final season of Parks and Recreation as fan favorite Jean-Ralphio. "He's back and has a fun few scenes," he says. "It was so sad to say goodbye. I've been in it for five or six years. When I wrapped the series and went back to my trailer and changed out of my ridiculous clothes and looked at my insane hair in the mirror, it made me really sad that I never get to play that character again. I will miss him."

On that emotional note, here's some advice from Schwartz. Please don't do anything he says.

Should I burn down my ex's house? She cheated on me and then blamed it on me for being boring.

—Patrick, Roanoke, VA

Okay, Patrick, listen. First of all, calm down. Please do not burn down your ex-girlfriend's house. But, at the same time, if she felt that you were so boring, maybe you could impress her with the fact that you had this outrageous idea. Just be like, "You'll never believe what I just thought of to get you back." See if that mends the road of boredom.

The dog that lives next door to me literally never stops barking and the old lady who owns him doesn't even seem to notice. I'm going crazy. What should I do?

—Jenny, Boulder, CO

Get whatever is higher on the volume food chain at your house. So if she has a dog, get a Velociraptor. Have him bark or screech and see if it pisses her off. The worst thing that could happen is that then she gets a T-Rex. But I think a Velociraptor should easily solve it.

My girlfriend told me I need to find a hobby because I spend too much time sleeping and smoking pot. But I don't know if I'm interested in anything. How does one get hobbies?

—Paul, San Diego

It sounds like one of your hobbies is e-mailing questions to Esquire, so you're already halfway there. But what I would do is log what's happening in your life between sleeping and smoking weed. Mark off the things you enjoy. Those are going to be your hobbies.

Ben, the Einstein Bagels lady just put strawberry cream cheese on my bagel when I asked for low-fat cream cheese. I'm sure it will taste just fine, but I made a New Year's resolution to eat better. She seems pretty busy so maybe I shouldn't bother her with something this trivial. What should I do?

—Hunter, South Bend, IN

This is the most important question we've received so far. This hits to the heart more than anything in the universe. I would take that strawberry cream cheese and I would rub it on that woman's face, just smear it on her face. And then when she says, "What are you doing?" you should respond, "I should be asking you the same question."*

*Note: I would actually be too scared to ever call someone out for giving me the wrong cream cheese and I would just eat it and deal with it.

Hey Ben, I get the feeling sometimes that I was born to be celibate. A bachelor 'til the rapture. Do you think this is possible for someone?

—Doug, Upland, IN

Yes, there are absolutely human beings in the world who have made the choice to be celibate because it suits their lifestyle very well. But before you make that decision, Google "pornography."

When on long road trips is it better to drive or sit passenger?

—Katherine, Houston, TX

I always like to drive because that way the other person can't kill me. It will be my fault if we all die. If you drive, you're in total control of where you go, and when you stop. And you can control the radio. So I like to be the captain of that ship. Plus, if you're in the front passenger seat you're probably on your phone and that makes me nauseous.

I just ate a whole tube of toothpaste. Not sure why, just seemed right. In your experience, what should my next step be?

—Hunter, South Bend, IN

Eat a toothbrush.

What advice would you give someone thinking about comedy writing who has no education or formal training in the area?

—Jade, Dallas, TX

Write as much you can, wherever and whenever you can. And write about whatever you want. Write about the things that you care about and the people who mean something to you. You have to keep writing until you starting finding your voice. It takes a while. The biggest thing I learned is that you can't be afraid to fail. Write even if you're unsure and always try to complete things. Make it your job to write—wake up every day with the intention to do it. And read and watch movies as much as you can. I never really took any classes in screenwriting but I read a book called just to learn more. I wrote many, many screenplays until I figured it out.

Hey Ben, what's the best advice on texts/messages etiquette with women, especially with the flighty ones? I need help with emojis, reply times, etc.

—Hose, Chicago

I'm going to give you a real, boring answer to this: Don't play any games. Just tell the truth. Tell women what you're thinking and feeling, and it will save you so much time and so many keystrokes. Also, if it's not going well you can save everyone involved so much time. You'll find out quicker if that person cares about you and wants to spend time with you if everybody cuts the bullshit.

Advice needed: How does one go about making Ben Schwartz fall in love with her?

—Emma, New York City

Whatever it is you're doing, it's working.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year, and we're discussing marriage, which is really wonderful. I want my best friend to be a part of the ceremony and process, when it happens, but there is a problem—my best friend dislikes my girlfriend. How can I bring this up with her and work to fix it?

—Jackie, Boston

This is a great question for me because I got ordained to marry my best friend to his wife. It was so fun. I wrote the whole ceremony and helped with the vows and it was wonderful. So my real advice would be if your best friend sees how much you care about and love the person you're marrying, it will all work itself out. They'll see how much love is in your heart and everything will be fine.

Is it really that big of a deal to wear navy blue with black? I had someone tell me not to, but then I tried it and it looks kinda dope.

—Neel, Atlanta

I'm the last person you want to ask about fashion. Also, I'm the last person you want to ask about navy blue and black because I can't tell the difference at all. I have a tinge of colorblindness because it takes me so long to figure out what is dark blue and what is black. I'm sure many times when I'm out in public I look like a fool. When I wear a suit out, the only way I know I'm wearing a blue suit or a black suit is I can look at the label of the suit. So if I can't tell the difference maybe no one else can either.

I made a New Year's resolution to get in shape but I hate going to the gym and I'm super-lazy. How do you think I can actually keep my resolution this year?

—Benny, Palm Beach, FL

Benny, I also don't like going to the gym. But here's a trick I learned: Find your favorite TV show and bring your iPad to the gym and watch it. The only way I was allowed to continue watching the TV show was if I did it on the treadmill or on the bike. I did that for a while. Or sometimes I'll get up early in the morning and go shoot hoops by myself at an outdoor basketball court before everybody else gets there. It's relaxing to me to be there all alone.

I feel like I'm really uneducated about politics and current events, and I want to be better about staying informed this year. Where should I start?

—Jim, Denver, CO

CNN.com. Or text Barack Obama.

How can I make coffee with my feet?

—Brooke, Corona, CA

This raises a series of other questions, like what are you doing with your hands where you can't make coffee with them? Also, if you could do this it wouldn't impress people as much as disgust people and no one would ever drink coffee in your house again. So I can't tell you how. I do know how, but it would ruin coffee at your house for the rest of your life.

Emily Zemler Emily Zemler is a freelance writer based in London.

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