Rocket League’s wide range of players © Psyonix

Journeying from a Rocket League rookie to expert is an emotional rollercoaster. You’ll volley between frustration and elation, experience dizzying highs and crushing lows. You’ll lose sleep, and you may even lose family members, but it’s a worthwhile and character-building journey – one only the skilled complete.

Along the way you’ll encounter all sorts of fellow pilgrims making their ascent up the ranks. You’ll play against people with near-godly ball control, and struggle on the same side as maniacs controlled by blind ferrets. With a new squadron of Xbox One players embarking on their first leagues (and what with cross-play on the horizon), we’ve felt compelled to compile the ultimate list of player-types for newcomers. Here’s every type of Rocket Leaguer there is…

1. The Deity

Player trait: Perfection

Usually found : In your dreams and in your nightmares

You dread to think how much time this guy’s pumped into Rocket League. Or you would, if you weren’t too awestruck at the way he just soared across the skies above you, pirouetting and backflipping and finessing the ball this way and that with a single rubbery fibre of his rear left tyre. It spins in ways you’ve never seen before and lands gracefully in the opponent’s goal before your tears have even left your irises. This guy’s like Rocket League’s version of Neo: he doesn’t need team-mates – he barely even needs physics.

2. The Sunday Driver

The Sunday Driver © Psyonix

Player trait: Conscientious objector

Usually found: Anywhere the ball isn’t

There’s a big difference between opting to stay in goal and simply being on the wrong end of the pitch at any given moment. The Sunday Driver opts for the latter, and you can’t quite fathom what’s going on in their head; are they afraid of the ball? Have they got the laggiest connection of all time? Are they morally against the sport? Why are they driving up the far-end wall? It matters not: their distant meandering will cost you the match, whatever the answer.

3. The Embarrassment

Player trait: Epically bad

Usually found: Flailing

Whereas the Sunday Driver tries, for whatever reason, to put 100 yards between them and the action at all times, the Embarrassment doesn’t fail for lack of trying – they aim for glory. Only there’s a problem: they’re probably the worst player you’ve ever seen. Someone on their PC types ‘How are you Pro?’ in the chat field – a missive aimed squarely at the guy writhing about mid-pitch every which way but ballwards. Their tag says they’re no rookie, and yet they seem to be incapable of keeping their car right-side up. Perhaps, you think, they are drunk. Perhaps they are simply sitting on their gamepad. Perhaps they’re playing… Ironically? You have to give them the benefit of the doubt; no one’s possibly this bad. It’s almost impressive.

4. The Armchair General

The Armchair General © Psyonix

Player trait: Probable insecurity

Usually found: In the chat window

“I GOT THIS! I GOT THIS! DEFENDING! TAKE THE SHOT! DEFENDING!” The Armchair General barks their orders in your general direction, though seemingly at random and with little cohesion to what’s actually happening on the pitch. But that’s cool, they clearly just need to feel as though they’re in control, so you’ll allow it – you’ll let them scream digital directives at you for five minutes if it’ll make them feel better, despite the fact that they always scream ‘DEFENDING!’ ahead of kickoff and then do the exact opposite.

5. The AFK (Away From Keyboard)

The AFK (Away From Keyboard) © Lucky L4dd

Player trait: Being very, very still

Usually found: Wherever they spawned

Their car sits totally motionless – the virtual manifestation of a person with more pressing matters to attend to. But their torpidity plays on your mind as the game ploughs on; you can’t help but ponder what’s taken their attention away from this sport of kings. It could be something innocent: nature’s called, for instance, or the pizza’s arrived. But what if it’s something more sinister? What if somewhere in the world, a poor Rocket League player has just been robbed at knifepoint? What if their spouse is throwing plates at their head? What if they’ve spontaneously combusted? You’ll never know, of course; the game will boot their idle avatar into the cold void of the start menu before long, leaving you with a solutionless mystery that’ll haunt you for, well... The next few minutes, at least.

6. The Demolition Man

Player trait: Bizarrely aggressive

Usually found: Turning your car into ash

We’ll admit: sometimes, playing the player instead of the ball is a great strategy. But this is more extreme than that. This car’s got it out for you. Their overarching and only tactic appears to be: ‘destroy’. Which means you spend most of the match completely sans control, flying about upside down against your will, watching the game take place below without you like some kind of celestial spectator. It is most annoying.

7. The 50/50

Player trait: Half brilliant, half hilariously dreadful

Usually found: Making things much more difficult than they need to be

AKA the Comeback Kid, the 50/50’s a curious player, displaying a weird mix of staggering brilliance and own-goal-scoring awfulness. They’re usually ranked Semi-Pro – the ‘growing pains’ rank. At Semi-Pro you know what you’re doing, but your occasional and hilarious wiffle-balling can make you a laughing stock. The 50/50 thumbs the quick-chat options, desperately looking for something as nuanced as “Ugh, I’m normally better than this but I’m just having a bad game,” but then somehow bicycle kicks the winning goal over the line and right into the history books. A game of two halves, as it were.

8. The Apologiser

The Apologiser © Gaming Rebellion

Player trait: Thinks you despise them

Usually found: Whimpering

Scores own goal: “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”

Misses ball: “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”

Hits team-mate: “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”

Touches ball: “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”

Has the audacity to exist: “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”

9. The Eye Exam

Player trait: Couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo

Usually found: Six inches to the right of the ball

The Eye Exam can clearly play the game better than some, but their depth perception is somewhat lacking to say the very least. They’d probably score a slew of the best, most flamboyant aerial goals Rocket League’s ever seen if it weren’t for the fact that they keep timing their jumps about three seconds too early. It’s almost artistic how close they can get to the ball without making any discernible difference to the game’s outcome; it’s a bit like watching motorised capoeira.

10. The Bot

Player trait: Is a robot

Usually found: Quietly plotting world domination

“This guy’s a bit rude,” you think to yourself. “Or just humble, maybe? He’s not replying to any of my messages about his cool shots and epic saves, nor my apologies.” But all that aside, you quite like your stoic little team-mate; silently plugging away, helping you out, mutely getting on with things. “Maybe he’s just Canadian or Finnish or something,” you think. But then you look at his gamertag and spot that there’s no ‘xX’ at the start/end, no numbers, and no references to movie or game characters. He’s simply called ‘Jet’. He is a robot man. You’ve been talking to a bot for the past four-and-a-bit minutes without realising, and every other player on the pitch is questioning your sanity. But you don’t really mind: you’ve just helped Rocket League pass the Turing Test.