God to Tony Perkins: I fashioned these memories yourself.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a press conference this week, Larry “God” Schumway told reporters that when a leading religious leader’s home was severely damaged by the recent flooding in Louisiana that he made an exception to a longstanding heavenly rule against punishing people for their un-Christian behavior with floods. Schumway claims he did so because he “will always be a big lover of irony.”

In the past, Perkins has blamed the Boston marathon bombing on sexual immorality, and has often been a leading voice in anti-equality laws written in state legislatures. Mr. Perkins, in addition to blaming tragedies on the sins of Americans, has also claimed that massive weather events like Hurricane Sandy were acts of God and not in any way related to climate change. God told reporters that Perkins’ “judgmental nature” and his “simple minded view of the Earth’s climate” finally convinced him to let the flood waters damage not just Perkins’ home but his church as well.

“I will always be a big lover of irony,” Schumway told the heavenly press, “and I can’t think of anything more ironic than a climate change denying homophobe who has blamed natural disasters on sinners having his home and church damaged by a flood that is almost certainly worse because of climate change. I’ve always had a penchant for wiping the smugness off of fake Christians’ faces, and nothing is more falsely Christian than sitting in judgment of others to the point of blaming national tragedies on a minority group.”

So, God says, when his son Jesus Hubert Christ proposed they let the flood waters rise high enough to do significant damage to Perkins’ home, he was hesitant but ultimately acquiesced.

“It’s been a long time since I purposefully used a flood to punish people,” God said, “but I figured at least this time I wasn’t wiping out all of humanity. I was just directing the flood toward one singular asshole’s home and church.”





Reporters asked God about the other people whose lives were upended or destroyed by the flood. Wasn’t he also punishing them, they asked.

“Oh, no,” God said, “the flood was a natural disaster, exacerbated by climate change. I didn’t create the flood to punish everyone, or even Tony. I just didn’t let a good natural disaster go to waste is all. So I used my God powers to direct the waters into Tony’s home and church. Waste not, want to punish bigots not, I always say.”

Schumway said that he is planning on sending a special gift to Perkins, in order to make up for allowing the flood waters to wreck the conservative’s home.

“I’m sending him a special boat,” Schumway said, “designed just for people like him. That way he can use it to navigate in and around his house. It’s a canoe. Of course, with him in it, it’s a douche canoe.”

God laughed especially hard for a solid thirty seconds at his joke. So did the heavenly reporters. So did all of humanity.

Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.