I spent the day navigating around my Tokyo neighborhood in search of masks, tissue, and toilet paper. The shelves everywhere were empty. Apparently there was some fear-mongering online that the current shortage in face masks was going to be solved by cannibalizing toilet paper supplies, so now there are neither. I didn’t stray too far, trying my best not to get on an overcrowded train and subjecting myself to terrifying coughs, sneezes, and sniffles, so I’m home now and ready to dig into some ONE King of the Jungle.

My search for masks is relevant to my MMA as coronavirus is relevant to King of the Jungle. The virus spreading wantonly through Asia and the world has now caused the event to be held in an empty arena. Not that this is anything new for ONE Championship as they often hold their events in half-filled arenas. The last show in a typhoon-stricken Tokyo was case in point. Even free of natural disasters they can have a hard time filling the building. This is obvious with their camerawork and lighting: see if you can ever find a well-lit crowd shot from a ONE event. You won’t. Anyway, I’m not here to piss on ONE; I like ONE; but their bullshit does get excessive and as I said before I don’t have any toilet paper.

I have no idea if there is any scientific basis for the decision to hold the event in an empty Singapore arena. They’re doing a similar thing in Japan with preseason baseball, but I imagine it’s more cosmetic than anything. But Chatri likes grand pointless gestures, so they’ll do it. Alright, enough of this, let’s get on with the fights.

Okay, got my stream going and it feels like Japan with the very audible corners. I am noticing also that this might bring the added benefit of moderating Schiavello and Mitch’s volume. Not to mention the in-house music. The last ONE event I attended live I desperately regretted not bringing earplugs. There is no volume control in life. In the first fight, "social media star" Jeff Chan chokes out Radeem Rahman. Next up, I predict the Russian takes out Wolverine. Schiavello just mentioned Chatri’s new version of the reality T.V. show The Apprentice – you can still apply to be a contestant! I sincerely think Chatri should be in the next U.S. Democratic Presidential debate. Back to the fight: the ref lets Logan go out like a champion as he gets ground and pound into dirt by Colossus.

So far the missing crowd has changed the show not at all. The ONE girls still all choochooing and finger hearts. In the next fight the Indian fighter is from India (surprise, surprise, big market) and fights with Chatri’s Evolve MMA, so clearly ONE is pushing her, but I like the chances of the Chinese housewife piano teacher. They both dance to the cage for the benefit of… no one? Schiavello drops some Bollywood knowledge. The ref is Olivier Coste so if the Indian girl has any unexpected problems, he’ll surely take care of it. I’m changing my pick: Ritu Phogat all the way! In the post-fight, Mitch Chilson mentions the billion people watching from India (every single person in India is watching the ONE prelims)… pfff… that’s like a hundredth of ONE’s audience!

Okay, so I know these dudes, Honorio Banario’s been with ONE a long time and is part of their large stable of entertaining Filipino fighters. Shannon Wiratchai’s also long in ONE, fought some high-level dudes, walked out with an alien costume thing, and beat up Mitch. Both recently lost to the Baka Survivor. I’m stumped. Toss up here, leaning Honorio. He takes the veteran decision. Next fight I’ll take the American over the guy with four nicknames. Okay, these dudes are cracking early. Somebody’s going down. Headkick? Ah! So close to calling it. This Abelardo dude has gotten kicked in the head/neck like four times and refuses to drop, but he ain’t winning this fight (despite a strong final 15 seconds). I now remember having seen Troy Worthen fight before. I will not forget you again Troy Worthen! Not sure what they’re thinking with this next match up: young, bubbly, and 3-0 Denice Zamboanga verses a JMMA O.G. Killer who walks out to Black Sabbath. I got Mei Yamaguchi all day. Wow, so that didn’t go as I expected. Mei got fucked up. And according to Mitch, Denice may be offered to the altar of ONE princess Angela Lee. Too soon? Yes, but I thought Mei would roll through her.

Surprisingly fun prelims and now headed to the main card, but not before an interview with Chatri when he ignites the world with a coronavirus of hopes and dreams and the true martial arts heroes of ONE Championship. Piss break.

Starting off the main card with a possible strawweight title eliminator to see who can get crushed by champ Xiong Jing Nan. Ayaka Miura is said to be a quality judoka but has like zero striking game and is getting boxed up by Tiffany Teo. Gotta think the champ Panda, who is watching from the empty arena, could eat either of these women like a bamboo shoot. Mostly empty arena, I guess. Not a good night for the Japanese. Is there more sadness to follow for Sexyama?

Not really looking forward to this one. His last fight in ONE was just depressing and boring. He’s fought seven times in like the past ten years and lost six of them. His skin looks like an alligator purse. It’s over Akihiro. But on a brighter note, ONE has a new infomercial that seems to have replaced Angela Lee inspiring the doctors of the world and Eduard Folayang solving poverty. Like a medley of inspiring images set to the same Beethoven track from Clockwork Orange and Malcolm McDowell murdering dudes. Not a bad segue to Sexyama’s classy Bocelli walkout, but Schiavello shut the fuck up and let me watch in peace. Give me my last happy nostalgia before the sadness comes!

Akiyama wins. Not a good fight. Kimihiro Eto then chokes out the bad Amir Khan in ninety seconds. Japan goes .500.

Now it’s time for the two big championship striking fights at the top of the card, which are always good fun in ONE. First up is the inaugural straw weight Muay Thai championship (in four ounce gloves). Youngster Rocky Ogden comes out to some Led Zepplin, looking rough and ready to get his ribs cracked by ONE kickboxing champ Sam-A Gaiyanghadao. Sam-A’s got some Thai-sounding metal going for his walkout and I say big thumbs up to the 36-year old. PS. His record is 368-47-9. I’d give Rocky the first round, but that don’t mean much in Muay Thai. Sam-A takes charge in the second and cruises to domination against a game Rocky. On another note, literally, unfortunately at some point in the last couple fights they started playing the in-house music for the lack of an in-house crowd.

The main event of the night is the Atomweight Kickboxing Championship pitting multi-belt holder Stamp Fairtex against veteran Janet Todd. It appears that Chatri made a rule that every female fighter has to dance in her walkout, despite the fact that there is nobody in the crowd. Isn’t there a song about that? Next show there had better be a super meta ONE walkout to Billy Idol. Of course Stamp is the one known for her dancing, it’s the Stamp Dance after all, but it appears to be near as contagious as the coronavirus. Stamp doesn’t look super into it tonight though. It could be her wariness of Janet’s skill or the lack of a crowd. Stamp definitely looking tense. Let’s go! Janet Todd clearly takes round one, round two a bit more of a toss-up. Stamp starts to pick it up but doesn’t look great. Mitch’s theory is Stamp is having some problems as she’s now fighting in three different rule sets: Muay Thai, kickboxing, and MMA. Makes sense, Mitch! Well done. Janet’s left leg’s getting fucked up in any rule set. Final round of King of the Jungle soon to commence! House music in the empty stadium! Chatri! ONE ring girls! ❤️❤️❤️ Wow, Janet Todd takes the split decision. I thought that went the other way. Good fight! Good event! Fun times!

FOTN to Sam-A and Rocky

POTN to Denice Zamboanga with the big upset