In today’s Taxpayer News You Can Use segment, we bring you a new study coming from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) which truly seems to be breaking new scientific ground. I ran across this information at the Free Beacon and at first thought it might be some sort of typo. But it wasn’t. The NIH is spending nearly $350K on a study to follow the habits of a number of women (in various categories) to find out what methods of contraception are “sexually acceptable” to them. That’s not really the startling part. Apparently, there are reports of significant numbers of women who are switching or even discontinuing the use of birth control because they find it to be unsatisfying in some fashion. If that’s the case you’d clearly want to correct that I suppose. Having birth control pills you don’t take seems to be on par with keeping an unloaded gun in your house.

But the details of the study aren’t that cut and dried. Reading into the fine print, the coordinator of the project wants to make sure that she’s reaching all women… including lesbians. (Emphasis added)

The leading researcher on the project is Jenny Higgins, an associate professor in the Gender and Women’s Studies Department at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Higgins specializes in “mixed-methods research on sexuality, gender, and reproductive health—especially people’s use of condoms and other contraceptive methods.” Higgins is also currently involved with research into sexual minority women, or “people who identify as lesbian, bisexual and queer (among many other things).” She claims 20 percent of the female population in the United States are lesbians or bisexual. “The overwhelming majority of SMW [sexual minority women] will engage penile-vaginal intercourse at least occasionally,” according to the researcher’s website. “New research suggests that SMW women have an increased risk of unintended pregnancy compared to their heterosexual peers.” The study is examining “unique barriers” lesbians and bisexuals have to “adequate contraceptive care.”

You know, I’ve always wondered what went on in those “Gender and Women’s Studies Departments” at universities. This may be a glimpse into it. But with all due respect to Professor Higgins, the taxpayers funding this project might have a couple of questions.

First of all, you’re saying that twenty percent of the women in America are gay? Granted, that might make me feel a bit better by explaining my success rate in asking girls out when I was younger, but somehow that just doesn’t sound right. If one in five women are gay, our birthrate should really be a lot lower, shouldn’t it?

But let’s just say they are. Remind me again why you would study the contraception use of lesbians? Oh, wait… that’s right. You said that “The overwhelming majority of sexual minority women will engage penile-vaginal intercourse at least occasionally.” If they’re bisexual, sure. I’m with you so far. But the lesbians? I’m far from an expert in this field, but I was rather under the impression that actual lesbians weren’t the biggest fans of “penile-vaginal intercourse.” I mean, isn’t that sort of what makes them lesbians? And if they actually are doing that, are they really lesbians?

The 21st century is turning out to be far more confusing than I’d ever imagined. We have politicians telling us that young girls in school should get used to the idea of showering with women who have penises. Social critics are saying if men don’t date such women we must be transphobic. Other “women with penises” are fighting women without penises in MMA matches and nearly killing them. And now lesbians are having sex with men and using the wrong contraception.

Was I just not looking when the world changed so much so quickly? Or have I been whisked off into one of those parallel, Mandella Effect universes and I just didn’t notice?