MISSISSAUGA, ON – A local philosopher has found himself rethinking his active career, worried that academia may have failed him following a Sunday morning dilemma that ended with the 42-year-old Jared Pittalain being run over by a trolley.

A professor at the University of Toronto Mississauga campus, Pittalain teaches several philosophy courses and encourages students to think critically about all situations. Despite this passion for internal debate, he was left without answers when asked how he found himself getting run over by a trolley.

“It turns out that in the real world, trolley conductors aren’t capable of just switching directions at a moment’s notice like I had previously thought,” explained Pittalain from the hospital room where he was recovering. “I thought I had plenty of time to get off the tracks while all those involved considered the moral quandary at hand but before they would have even had time to debate Descartes’ system of ethics I was hit at full speed… and there wasn’t even anyone on the other track.”

Pittalain is not the first philosopher to find themselves victim of a philosophical incident after a PhD student who was studying the works of Plato found themselves lost in a cave for four months before finally getting rescued.

Following such unfortunate events, many philosophers now find themselves debating whether the science of philosophy truly does help critical thought as much as they previously thought.

“I’m now realising I know nothing, suggested Pittalain. “I’m also starting to think these conductors have gotten out of control. Someone should do something about it like start a rail blockage before anyone else gets hurt. I’m probably the first person to think of that!”