SIGN THIS PETITION RIGHT NOW.

We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, in order to form a more perfect in-ring product, insure high-quality entertainment, promote the general Welfare, provide for the common defence against stupidity, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do hereby ordain and establish this Constitution.



ARTICLE 1 -- On Linda McMahon



Section 1: The Person



It is hereby granted that Linda McMahon is a good and decent person, and a citizen of the United States in good standing. Nothing that follows in this document (or in any other produced or tacitly endorsed by this august body) should be taken as a slight to her person in any way.



Section 2: The Candidate



Linda McMahon, per a decision in 2008, is currently a Republican candidate for the United States Senate in the state of Connecticut. She has won her party's primary and remains a potential winner of the race as of this writing. She is well within her rights to be contesting this race.



This august body is largely unaware (and disinterested in) Ms. McMahon's stances on policy, as this august body does not reside in the state of Connecticut. What follows in this document (and any others produced or endorsed by this august body) is not meant to be taken as an educated voters' guide on this Senate race, but merely as the opinions this august body was forced to form when outside powers demanded that we ponder said Senate race.



This august body would have been very happy to remain blissfully ignorant of politics in the state of Connecticut, had our hand not been forced.



Section 3: The Affiliation



Linda McMahon, prior to running for US Senate in the state of Connecticut, was both a corporiate officer of and an on-screen performer for World Wrestling Entertainment (to this day, she remains one of the company's largest stockholders), a less-august body run by her husband, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and of whom We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, are frequent viewers.



It is the strongly held belief of this august body that this previous affiliation of Ms. McMahon's should have no bearing whatsoever on her quest for public office besides the relevant experiences and leadership qualities she may have gained while heading up a major corporation.



It is the even more strongly held belief of this august body that Ms. McMahon's current affiliation as a candidate for high office should have no bearing whatsoever on her previous employer and the product produced by said former employer.



Ms. McMahon is within her right to be judged for her current quest according ONLY to relevant past experiences in the employ of WWE. And We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, are even more within our rights to enjoy our current quest for entertainment while being exposed ONLY to the relevant portions of Ms. McMahon's current endeavors: which is to say, none of them.



ARTICLE 2 -- On World Wrestling Entertainment



Section 1: The Company



World Wrestling Entertainment is the former employer of Linda McMahon, and currently engages in the presentation of a hybrid sports/entertainment product that has been known for the better part of a century as "Professional Wrestling." For the sake of this document (and any others produced or endorsed by this august body), the terms "pro wrestling," "wrestling," and "sports entertainment" are to be considered identical and synonymous, even if it pisses off Vincent Kennedy McMahon.



Nay: ESPECIALLY if it pisses off Vincent Kennedy McMahon. We are, afterall, the Fans of Professional Wrestling. Not the Universe of Sports Entertainment.



Section 2: The Product



WWE is in the business of presenting staged conflicts between two men (sometimes two women, and sometimes larger groups of men/women), who routinely spar with each other verbally before settling their differences in (simulated) violent, anti-social, and sometimes felonious ways (i.e. beating each other up until one participant submits, is pinned, or otherwise commits a forfeit).



Although the product has changed and changed back multiple times through the years to represent either more conservative or more risque content, it is the view of this august body that the genre itself is defined by the generally mature subject matter of Interpersonal Conflict, and resolution thereof via non-peaceful means.



Attempts to present "G-rated" face-punching are still face-punching, even if no one swears before the face is punched and care is taken to avoid showing blood after the face is punched. Attempting to produce "family friendly" face-punching is not "responsible broadcasting," it is an attempt to market face-punching to younger kids. Much like Cinemax only exists to market sanitized porn to desperate teenagers.



Section 3: Reasons for the Product and its Changes



In the past, WWE's product has been shaped almost exclusively by market forces. The two main market forces that have catapulted WWE to its greatest successes are (1) competition and (2) fan appetites.



More to the point: competition of the past forced WWE to listen more closely and adapt more quickly to fan appetites, especially in rare cases when WWE would lose its position of dominance in the field of pro wrestling.



The last time there was a significant threat to WWE's dominance ended in 2001. Leading up to 2001 was a period of remarkable mainstream popularity for the entire wrestling industry and later for WWE exclusively, often defined by a more adult/risque product (sometimes, to the point of going too far for the tastes of this august body). Since the end of that competition, WWE's business has dwindled in terms of domestic audience, and the product is defined by a bland, uninspired creative direction and watered-down level of (simulated) competition that mimics WWE's very own monopoly/lack of direct competition.



It is the opinion of this august body that some of those changes are simply a regression to the mean, after WWE over-stepped the bounds of good taste. But it is also the opinion of this august body that continued-dwindling ratings speak to WWE ignoring fan appetites for its own selfish wants, a practice they can convince themselves is justified so long as they are the "market leader" for pro wrestling in the United States. WWE, it seems, is still capable of admitting they are the #1 pro wrestling show on TV (rather than the #317 show on all of TV), but only when it suits them.



Further, it is the opinion of this august body that the only sensible explanation for WWE's exceptionally watered down, and sometimes insultingly simple/childish, product for the past 2 years has been the desire of WWE to see Linda McMahon attain high public office, which subsequently required a "re-branding" to family-friendly entertainment that media watchdogs could not criticize, even if said re-branding meant torpedoing the quality and very essence of said product.



ARTICLE 3: On the Fans



Section 1: Who We Are



We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, are the core consumer base for the spectacle of large, oiled-up, half-naked men rolling around in a ring with each other. We are not necessarily proud of this, but we do not deny our true nature, either. We merely ask that WWE reciprocates in this.



Historically, we are males in the 18-49 demographic craved by advertisers, though in wrestling's boom phases, we have been known to skew younger (many high school age fans, and a concentration of 20-somethings who are dictators of pop culture) or even include a few girls (who may or may not be watching just to placate a particularly ardent wrestling fan in their lives, which is very nice of them in the opinion of this august body).



In all cases, we are young adults with discretionary income, which is vital for WWE in the sense that their primary revenue streams come from pay-per-view (a segment of the cable bill, which is paid-for/controlled by the head of household), live events (which requires somebody to have a driver's license to get to the show), and other related merchandise.



Where We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, diverge is in our specific tastes, as some admire non-stop in-ring action, while others crave the showmanship and storytelling aspects. Presumably, no matter what exact equation a single fan may use to determine his/her likes, the fanbase at large craves something known simply as Entertainment.



Action, athleticism, drama, suspense, surprises, mystery, comedy, and hell, even a little bit of sex and romance have mingled over the years to provide this final end product. It is wrestling's strength that is can -- in a single 2 hour broadcast -- supply all the entertainment forms/value that one could possibly want. Which -- when wrestling gets it right -- can be a huge time-saver over having to watch 3 movies, 2 sporting events, and countless hours of TV shows to get that same mix of entertainment value from other sources.



Section 2: Who We Aren't



We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, aren't flaky bandwagon-hoppers who decided to watch wrestling because somebody at school mentioned it. Nor are We the same mainstream audience who made WWE so rich back 10 years ago. WWE has long since pissed those marginal/casual fans away since gaining monopoly.



Vitally to our discussion: we are not 12 years old, nor do we have the sensibilities of 12-year-olds. Most vitally to our discussion: we do not have the purchasing power of 12-year-olds, as we do not have to pitch a hissy fit to get mommy or daddy to buy us $50 TV shows once a month. We buy what we want, and we don't need to whine like brats or ask permission to do it; we merely need the motivation.



It goes without saying that we also do not have the voting/political power of 12-year-olds. Ahem.



Tangentially: we are also not crappy parents. Some of us may be in possession of 12-year-olds (or other children even younger), but another thing we are not is stupid. We do not confuse our wrestling fandom with our parenting duties, and subject our kids to grown men committing felonies on TV just because WE like to watch it. We are more careful than that, and will expose our children to more mature materials when they are ready for it, not because we can't be bothered to be good parents and decide to let them sit down with us for a TV show that lasts till 11pm on a school night.



Section 3: What We Expect



We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, expect a sports entertainment product that rewards us for being fans.



If We are the type of fan who likes the entertainment side of things, we can be rewarded with an extra clever plot twist or charismatic promo.



If We are the type of fan who likes the in-ring action, we can be rewarded with matches that feature solid action, moves/athleticism you can't see anywhere else, and no chinlocks.



And no matter what type of fan we are, we can be rewarded by a product that is mature and complex enough to appeal to our non-12-year-old minds.



This august body does not endorse the idea of swear words for the sake of swear words, or else we would be Andrew Dice Clay. This august body does not endorse the sake of blood for the sake of blood, or else we would be TNA matches where Ric Flair tries to earn his paycheck. This august body does not endorse unhealthy attitudes towards women, or else we would be an MVP winning NFL quarterback, possibly from Pittsburgh or Green Bay.



But this august body does endorse the idea that some things are not for kids, and if you're an entertainment genre based on guys beating each other up, there's gonna be some violence. If guys are gonna argue about it before they fight, there's gonna be some animosity and prickly language. And if you're gonna keep women on the roster and claim they are "smart, sexy, and powerful," they probably wouldn't -- of their own choosing -- wear wang-limpening pantyhose at all times (even under shorts, like they work at Hooters), simply because you don't want to run the risk of somebody over the age of 14 thinking impure thoughts about women who WWE increasingly hires strictly for looks.



Be true to thine own true self, WWE.



ARTICLE 4 -- WWE Asks You to "Stand Up"



On October 18, 2010, WWE began a public relations campaign asking fans to "Stand Up for WWE."



While presented under the flimsy pretext of asking fans to protest "unfair" portrayals of WWE in the media, this was actually a thinly disguised effort to trick fans into supporting Linda McMahon's candidacy for US Senate in the state of Connecticut. The only current portrayals of WWE in the media are in direct relation to said Senate race, and -- "unfair" or not -- are the only thing WWE wants its fans to oppose.



In so doing, WWE assumes their fanbase -- while attacking the "unfair" media -- will tangentially say good things about Ms. McMahon, enhancing her chances of gaining public office.



This campaign was not only launched via the internet, but was granted a 5-minute timeslot on Monday Night RAW, complete with further exhortations before and after the video package by announcers Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.



It is the belief of this august body that while this was probably an entirely legal maneuver in terms of the "letter of the law" (the one thing not lacking in politics is lawyers), it skirts the very furthest fringes of the "spirit of the law," as it amounted to 5 free minutes of image advertising for a candidate for public office, provided by a corporation run by her husband and of which she is one of the most prominent stockholders. Regardless of Ms. McMahon's politics and whether or not they would be good for the state of Connecticut, this is the sort of shady manipulation that should make all right-thinking Americans deeply suspicious of our currently-broken electoral process and the politicians who engage in it.



ARTICLE 5 -- OO Asks You to "Stand Down"



On October 19, 2010, Online Onslaught (through its Lord and Master Rick Scaia ) launched a private relations campaign asking fans to "Stand Down for WWE."



You, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, can feel free to make that a PUBLIC relations campaign if you want to spread the good word.



The opinion of this august body is thus:



(1) We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, do not owe WWE anything more than what we've already given them over the years in terms of our time and money



(2) WWE owes We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, a quality weekly product WORTHY of our time and money, not self-important PR fluffery trying to convince us of what a quality product they are



(3) Ms. McMahon's current affiliation as a political candidate is of no interest to remaining fans of her former affiliation, WWE (outside of the state of Connecticut), yet WWE has now forced us to take an interest in it



(4) We, the Fans of Professional Wrestling, can no longer maintain our previous ignorance/apathy towards said political race if WWE is going to be shoving it in our faces every week



(5) Our interest in said political race is likely to be negative, given WWE's current trend towards marketing a "family friendly," watered down version of their products to 12-year-olds; 12-year-olds, it should be noted, who cannot even vote, which makes the PR campaign appealing to voters on a show geared to youngsters even more frustrating to We, the Fans.



Thusly, ergo, and therefore: this august body proposes that all true fans of professional wrestling STAND DOWN from WWE's "Stand Up" campaign.



It hurts the current product so long as WWE produces these thinly veiled campaign ads for Ms. McMahon. Though said campaign only lasts 3 more weeks, what happens if she wins? It can now be presumed that WWE policy will dictate that further PR Campaigns will be perfectly legitimate means for publicizing Ms. McMahon's agenda in the Senate, other political causes she has agreed to support, or her re-election bids. None of this is acceptable. Not on a wrestling show.



Though this august body is hesitant to turn this document into a full-blown Call For The Return Of Smut, it could also be argued that Ms. McMahon's failure to attain public office would have a different positive effect: not only would the threat of disguised political ads be neutralized, but the need to placate media watchdogs would dissipate, allowing WWE to be more true to its own nature. A more nuanced and grown-up product would not be a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.



This august body is pretty sure that one junior Senator from Connecticut isn't going to be the difference in national politics over the next 6 years, so this august body is going to take the more selfish route and assume that -- even if Ms. McMahon is a decent person and qualified candidate -- her opponent is no less so, and little harm will come from electing him. Hell, little DIFFERENCE may even be noticed by the vast majority of citizens.



But here, within our smaller enclave of Professional Wrestling Fans, it seems the greater good may be served by We, The People, standing up to unite against every aspect of the "Stand Up For WWE" campaign. At the very least, We The Fans will do no harm to They The Union by taking a (selfish, ill-informed) stance in this singular political race.



So stand down against WWE self-promotion. Stand down against WWE self-importance. Stand down against questionable campaign financing. Stand down against placating a moral minority while you simultaneously antagonize your existing fanbase with a subpar product. Stand down against wishing you were something you weren't.



Stand down for WWE. For their own good. If they take us seriously, my sincere belief is that ratings and popularity will only increase once they quit leveraging the core product for the sake of owning a Senate seat, even if it makes everybody associated with them (except Sir Lord Admiral Governor Jesse the Body Ventura) unelectable for any public office.



ARTICLE 6 -- Ratification



Done in Intarwebz, by the Unanimous Consent of the Fans present this Tenth Month in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Ten. In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names...



Rick Scaia

and

YOU, If You Want To



Sign the Constitution (your personal info will be kept as private as you want)

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