Unfortunately, no one is explaining to our children that there are reasons most people don't stick with the careers that sound so awesome in kindergarten.

For some reason, we expect our children to be able to answer the question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Some responses are downright idiotic (I wanna be a dinosaur) but for the most part, kids tend to choose the last person they saw in a uniform.

Every Saturday we have some of our favorite writers from around the web fill in for us. They get the opportunity to be insulted in the comment section and we get to push the neighborhood kids into leaf piles. Today's post comes from Zach Oberman, the man behind Underpants on the Outside which is about superheroes, not fashion.

5 Fireman

Why Kids Think It's Cool:

From a kid's perspective, being a fireman is awesome. You spend all your downtime hanging out in a clubhouse with your friends and a Dalmatian. To go to the first floor everyone slides down a pole. And if that's how they go downstairs, imagine what else firemen get to do! They probably take baths on a water slide! When you factor in the occasional siren, a fire station is only a ball pit away from being a Chuck E. Cheese.

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Also, you get to play with the most powerful squirt gun on the planet, which never needs to be refilled. Once the fire's out, all that's left is for you to take pictures with your shirt off, like the ones on Mommy's calendar that make her breathe funny. (Because no childhood fantasy would be complete without some uncomfortable Oedipal implications.)

Why the Job Actually Sucks:

To adults, the idea of wrapping yourself in asbestos and running into a fire with an axe is freakin' INSANE. But there's no point in explaining that to a child. Kids think danger is awesome - it's what makes childhood pastimes like "Hot Potato: M-80 Edition" so popular.

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One thing kids absolutely hate though is being bored. Sixty or seventy years ago, when houses were built out of dry leaves and matchsticks, fireman had plenty to do. But now everything's made of flame-retardant materials. These days, being a fireman means a whole lot of sitting around waiting for something to happen. When there is a fire alarm, it's usually some stoner burning toast.

And while firemen may be surrounded by the coolest toys around, what good are they? Sure, you can drive a big red truck, but if you drive it fast, people yell at you. If you use it to play Bumper Cars, people yell at you. And if you use the gigantic water gun to spray your friends, people yell at you (that goes quadruple if some of your friends happen to be African-American). Basically, you sit around, bored, surrounded by toys you can't play with or else you'll get yelled at. Being a fireman is like being in Time Out for a living.

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Oh yeah - you also can't play with fireworks ever again. In fact, if you see people playing with fireworks, you have to put them out. Happy Fourth of July, kids!