Fears grow over depleting stockpile of bullshit excuses after government reduced to claiming it ‘missed the email’

The knock-on effects of the COVID 19 crisis has created shortages in government supplies including its own reserve of decent justifications for their cock-ups, with some departments having to use those normally reserved for interns who went on the lash and didn’t make the Monday meeting.

Simon Williams, communications director for COBRA, said the situation was worrying and that Whitehall was now scrambling to find any and all methods to justify incompetence.

“The lockdown has confined some of our finest bullshit artists who work best as a group, and it’s showing.

“Look at our monumental fuck-up about refusing to work with the EU to bulk-buy essential medical equipment. Two weeks ago we could have put out a very long drawn-out response quibbling endlessly over the meaning of co-operation and legal frameworks. We would have deployed someone like Grant Schapps to spout boring nonsense on telly for 5 minutes while telling journalists to let him answer while, for ITV, we would get Mark Francois to say the Belgians are lying because they want our mackerel.

“But now? We’re blaming unreceived emails even though that excuse was only credible back when people still used Hotmail.

“How pathetic is that? We’re seriously hoping people believe that multi-billion medical equipment purchases involving dozens of countries are set-up by sending a group email on Friday afternoon?”

Mr Williams said worse was to come.

“It’s bad. If we can’t replenish the bullshit supplies we have maybe two weeks before we have to claim the dog ate the millions we sent to Dyson, or that we totally placed orders for PPE but someone forgot to sign the cheque.”