DICKHEAD-STYLE ‘indie’ coffee shops may actually be run by bastards, it has been claimed.

As it emerged that corporations own more or less everything, ethically-minded idlers have been frantically googling their local cafes.

Graphic designer Tom Logan said: “As a dickhead myself, it’s very important to me that I buy my coffee from other similar dickheads. But not corporate people, who are bastards.

“My favourite cafe is called ‘Le Pouton’s Coffeeorium’. It’s got a penny farthing in it, iPod playlists on the backs of the menus and the slogan ‘a passion for beans’ is written on the walls.

“These things suggest it’s run by dickheads. But now I’m detecting a hint of bastard.

“For example, the staff have a vaguely metallic sheen. It could be sweat, but they might equally be robots.”

Barista Emma Bradford said: “Whether your local cafe is owned by bastards or dickheads, rest assured that the people serving you hate your guts.

“It’s just quite hard to like someone who spends more than your hourly wage on a hot caffeinated drink and a massive biscuit.

“While we’re smiling and commenting on your cool hat, we’re thinking about punching you in the face again and again and again.”