Capitol Hill — Most opinions on current events posted online these days preach and pander to the choir.

Not so with edgy local columnist Betty Hedges, who routinely waits to see what readers with functional human empathy think first before countering with prose primarily intended to piss them off.

“Being original or constructively thought-provoking is so blah – I prefer rage-inducing mindfucks,” said Hedges while swirling a black vortex into her plain Caffe Vita coffee. “The now is all about seeing what people care about first, determining which buttons will set them off most, then rationalizing the pressing of those buttons into the emotionally exploitative clickbait that is the lifeblood of a financially desperate alt weekly.”

Irrefutable sexual harassment degrading? Maybe you’re overreacting. Might much of this trans trend really just be a social contagion? Jury’s still out. Sex trafficker of underage girls a pedophile? Slow down there, cretin, while Hedges splits hairs on the proper definition of “pedophile” and – whoa, plot twist ! – turns you, dear name-caller, into the actual abuser here of not just the English language, but of pedophiles themselves.

“Won’t someone think of the pedophiles at a time like this?” Hedges says with a smirk.

Some people have called these perspectives daringly outdated and extremely harmful to oppressed groups and trauma victims, but she assured us that they’re just crazy censorship-lovers.

“I’m a gay member of an oppressed minority, so there’s absolutely no way I could also be saying anything sexist, racist, fat-phobic, trans-phobic, or classist,” Hedges said. “Just because my response to a news story about sexual harassment is a reminiscence of days when your boss could hit on you without reproach does not automatically mean I’m as much of a gas-lighting fuckface as your Trump-voting uncle. I’ll have you know I voted for Obama.”

But Lauri Hanfield, President of People Who Post That Popcorn-Eating GIF, says not everyone hates her writing.

“Without columnists like her, what would I do? Read real journalism?” Hanfield said. “What a headache. I prefer comment clusterfucks.”

To the haters and popcorn-eating gif-ers, Hedges says all she has to say is “thank you for your support.”

“They say journalism is supposed to give voice to the voiceless,” Hedges said. “I just take it a step farther by giving voice to those who have always had more voice than they deserve, including myself.”