US News: Increasingly frustrated with the lack of a solid candidate to take them to battle in the next election, many of the die-hard Republican party faithful are beginning to look to more fringe conservatives to carry their message to the country next year – and with the primaries looming ever closer, one very special candidate has thrown his hat into the ring.

The man, known simply as “Bob” to his neighbours under the bridge in New York where he lives, has been outspoken on many occasions – often without being asked – on the state of the economy, the increasing lack of opportunity for businesses to expand, the ongoing threats from fundamentalist terrorism, gay rights and the guy at the 7-11 who turns the hose on him when he tries to get food from the bins out back.

“Guy’s a fuckin’ shitkickin’ pain in the ass cocksucker goddammit,” Bob told us, “just one o’ the many goddamn shithead pansy-ass liberals I see every day. I was in Vietnam goddammit. I got half a butt cheek torn off in Khe Sanh protectin’ the liberty of little punk motherfuckers like him. Pass the meths goddamit.”

When asked what his message was to the Democrats, and Obama’s presidency, he was clear.

“I did not go through all the shit I did just so some cockamamie asshole out of Westchester can come and spend my tax money on making healthcare available to everybody. You got a spare dollar?”

Bob told us his roadside invective was so powerful that a group of passing Republican activists were simply “captivated goddamit”.

“I tell it like it is, and that’s what you get goddamit. That lily-livered sissy-boy Barack better make sure he’s got more’n his birth certificate with him – he’s gonna need a flak jacket and a hard hat before he even opens his mouth, I tell you what.”