PATERSON, NJ—Quickly kicking off his sheets and reaching for a notepad on his nightstand, local 27-year-old Kyle Dowling reportedly sprang out of bed at 3 a.m. yesterday to jot down an idea for a brand-new worry. “Sometimes the best, most crippling new anxieties just come to you in the middle of the night, so it’s good to always have a pen and paper nearby to record them,” said Dowling, rapidly scribbling several shorthand notes about a new feeling of debilitating self-doubt and apprehension that had just spontaneously entered his mind. “If I think of a new paralyzing fear relating to my personal or professional life and don’t immediately write it down, there’s a good chance I’ll just totally forget about it by the time I fall asleep four hours later.” Upon waking up and rereading his notes from the previous night, Dowling confirmed to reporters that the new worry was even greater than he first thought.

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