The dilemma My dilemma is over one of my bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. I no longer feel that she should be a bridesmaid, but we work together so it is a very difficult situation.

It started off as little put downs, like her telling me how I need to lose weight (I only weigh 7½st (48kg)). Then she began distancing herself from me publicly and on social media. She didn’t come to my birthday party or even say happy birthday. She started regularly insulting my appearance at work in front of other people, but being nice to me when we were alone.

The most hurtful situation has been the most recent. I have been severely ill and in hospital, but she hasn’t offered to visit once.

I feel she has completely checked out of this friendship and she has really hurt me. Do I suck it up and still have her as a bridesmaid or tell her the truth that I feel completely let down by her?

Mariella replies What are you waiting for? It’s hard to imagine how things can have deteriorated to such an extent without you having had a conversation about it. Having chosen this woman as a bridesmaid I assume you and she were once close. Yet there’s nothing in your letter that indicates a friendship at even the most superficial level.



On the basis of your description, she sounds like someone to give a wide berth to, the sort of so-called buddy who manages to always make you feel worse than you did before you turned to her. Dropping her from your bridesmaid list is the least pressing of your priorities. Instead, try to find out where and why things went so wrong.

I’m wondering if this was ever a true connection, because what you are accusing her of sounds truly poisonous. You seem to be testing her and invariably finding her falling short of your expectations. I’m mystified as to what drew you together in the first place. Although you mention that you’re colleagues as a complicating factor, I’m wondering if your problems result from confusing workplace familiarity with real closeness.

I’d also be interested to know when this newfound hostility dates back to. A friend’s engagement can be the catalyst for all sorts of unpredictable emotional currents. It’s not just the bride and groom’s relationship that comes under extra pressure in the lead-up to the big day. Surprisingly, you finding happiness and contentment isn’t always the first priority of those close to you. It’s actually a great way of weeding out your address book as it triggers fault lines when mates have to adjust (or fail to adjust) to a new dynamic. Sometimes it’s hard for friends coveting your perceived good fortune, no matter how well they try to hide it, not to be embittered.

I’m wondering if this was ever a true connection, because what you are accusing her of sounds truly poisonous

But I’m speculating. Aren’t you interested in what prompted such behaviour, rather than simply focused on punishing it? I’m captivated by the dynamics between you and struggling to understand why you didn’t just pick up the phone and ask her what’s up. I’m struggling to imagine a close friendship where the principles could become so estranged without some sort of dialogue taking place. Women talk – it’s what we’re famous for – and yet you two seem so committed to a culture of silence that you’re reduced to checking social media and counting hospital visits to gauge reactions.

I’m sorry to cast a shadow over your dilemma, but I feel there is some element you’ve failed to illuminate – or I’ve failed to spot. A wedding is an event where you want to be surrounded by the people you love, not unrequitedly, but truly, and who love you in return. This woman has no place at such a celebration, let alone accompanying you down the aisle. There’s no harm at all in standing up for yourself every now and again and, on the plus side, there’s a lot of confidence and satisfaction to be gained from doing so. Don’t allow this woman so much head space during what must be a busy time getting ready for your wedding.

The simple answer is to communicate. Sit her down, tell her she’s let you down too often as a friend and ask her why. If her response leaves you still feeling aggrieved drop her from your wedding day entourage. In an era where frantic friend accruing on social media is all the rage, it’s easy to forget that numbers don’t count. Far better one real friend than a hundred unreliable ones whose biggest investment in you is to press follow and tick “like” every now and again!

Unless her excuse is convincing and her behaviour radically alters, this woman is a definite to strike off your list. But do it the old-fashioned way – in person, with time to spare and a willingness to listen. She might actually be nursing a grievance you can learn from or an insecurity you can understand. Then again, it’s equally possible that it’s better to have her out of your life, which is a choice you have to make and not simply to brood on.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1