Late Night Horoscope

ARIES: This would be a great time to travel, Aries! Do you have your passports? Your Go Bag? If not, there’s no time to grab them. They’re already in your house, but you’re ready. They’ll never catch you now.

TAURUS: Chan urrainn dhut ciall a dhèanamh às na rudan a thuig thu aon uair, Taurus. Coltach ris an deireadh gu Caillte. Ged, gu bhith onarach, an do thuig duine gu dearbh sin? Tòiseachadh gealltanach agus deireadh briseadh-dùil. Dìreach mar thusa.

GEMINI: You are a ball of limitless potential, Gemini. You could do anything. Anything. Anything. You could fly or write a concerto or rule the world. Only the fact that you’re paralyzed by choice keeps the rest of us safe.

CANCER: We’re so sorry. Cancer … you need to know, it was never meant to be this way. We didn’t want you to find out like this. But, I’m afraid, it’s true. It’s all true. You’re just going to have to find a way to move on, like we have.

LEO: Leos do not actually exist. Nobody has ever been born under the sign of Leo . If you are under the misapprehension that you are, in fact, a Leo , please check your birth records to see in what way they have been altered.

VIRGO: This is your day, Virgo! We’re gifting it to you! Take care of it, feed it, pet it. Do not let it out of your sight, Virgo. This is your day and a day is a big responsibility. Everything that happens today is your responsibility.

LIBRA: The stars are aligned, Libra, and your moment is at hand. You’ll show them. You’ll show them all! They’ll rue the day they ever laughed at you! Monday will be a great day to start a new project.

SCORPIO: You have no horoscope, Scorpio. It’s not that you have no future, but rather that, of all the signs, your future is no longer writ. You live in Fate’s blindspot, a tear in the tapestry. Cut adrift from the influence of the stars. Thursday is your lucky day. Or not.

SAGITTARIUS: Think back on you firsts, Sagittarius. Your first kiss, your first love, your first victim, your first midnight burial in the deserts of New Mexico. Maybe check on them! They’re thinking of you. They’re all thinking of you.

CAPRICORN: Return the amulet, Capricorn. You know, the one you forgot you had? The one from that Other Place? If you can get back to the woman you knew there, she’ll provide you with shelter. Don’t trust Orange. Crows are friends.

AQUARIUS: Love is in the air, Aquarius, and your personality is shining! The light from your personality is refracting off the love in the air, sending out a signal over which you have no control. Those flying overhead will spot you immediately.

PISCES: Run. You have to run, Pisces. It’s too late for me, but you might