The north is the best part of Singapore, said absolutely no one ever. Even I—a life-long bitch of the North-south line—would much prefer to live in Bedok or Clementi. The north is emptier, further from town, and terribly uninteresting.

Easties have East Coast Park, Golden Mile, and the excellent sports facilities in Kallang. In Yishun, I make do by cycling to Sembawang ‘beach’, a sorry strip of sand barely 500m long but with an excellent view of Johor’s many landfill fires. No wonder most of my friends only visit me when receiving inpatient treatment at Khoo Teck Puat Hospital. By the way, can you buy me a pack of cigarettes? C’est La Yishun.