(Picture: Dave Anderson/Metro.co.uk)

At first, I thought I was a fairly open-minded person when it came to the suggestion of masturbation at work.

I can see the potential benefits in focus, relaxation and mood and can understand the concept of relieved tension.

Then I saw in an article written by a colleague about masturbation breaks the fact that 40% of New York workers already engage in workplace wanking, according to a study, as well as the results of a poll that revealed 38% of our readers do too.

And suddenly the raw numbers hit me. I realised that if 38% of our readers already beat the meat or tend to the gardens at work, that means that statistically, I am surrounded by colleagues who are regularly nipping off for some one-handed relief.


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Colleagues with whom I may shake hands or share a keyboard when hot-desking. Colleagues who presumably don’t bring a change of underwear so could let any missed, ahem, consequences of their masturbation break soil what they are wearing.



Colleagues who I have to 100% trust know how to wash their hands properly.

That trust is difficult. I can only speak from a male perspective, but I have lost count of the times in my various jobs that I have seen a male colleague emerge from a pungent cubicle and head straight back into the office, bypassing the sinks.

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If these men are happy to hold their penises and wipe their backsides without washing their hands, then they aren’t going to have any qualms about returning to business after whacking one out.

When I sat down to bash this out (behave), I realised that almost the entirety of my argument is based on hygiene. It’s not about quashing the freedom to express one’s sexuality and nor is it that I find masturbation taboo or wrong. On the contrary, it’s a fabulous activity and one that is proven to have a positive impact on mental wellbeing.

Spank the monkey at home please (Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

However, a workplace is a separate thing. In the same way that we wouldn’t masturbate at a shop or a restaurant, doing it at work while practically among your colleagues, friends and customers is a step too far in the quest for open mindedness.

Where do we draw the line? Will f*** breaks be the next thing?

People have many hours outside of the working day in which to masturbate, much as they have many hours to do other things you would never do at work, such as have sex, sing naked in front of a full length mirror or watch porn.

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It’s not about stopping someone having fun or trying to dilute their freedom of expression, it’s about the comfort of everyone around you and maintaining some distance between the professionalism of a workplace and home life where pretty much anything goes.

I don’t want to be even more reluctant to shake hands with colleagues (that toilet thing is always in the back of my head), wondering where their hand has just been.

Nor do I want to be having a chat with a colleague to then see them nip hurriedly to the loo, leaving me wondering what I said to prompt their wank break. Masturbation is a beautiful thing – but it also a private thing and something that’s out of bounds for the workplace.

Psychologically, the benefits are undoubtedly there for relief – but it’s nothing that meditation, a nice walk, a gym workout or some fresh air can’t achieve.

And additionally, the only logical and mildly acceptable place to masturbate at work would be the toilets. Toilets which we all share.

I can’t imagine a less relaxing place to try and reach an orgasm – with people walking in and out, having chats by the urinal and having a smelly dump in the cubicle beside me. The pressure is on to be quiet and quick and the frustration at being interrupted (very likely) and not reaching the goal at all (also very likely) is enough to put anyone in a worse mood.



Then there will be the paranoia – ‘how long was I away from my desk? People know what I’ve done. Did I clean up properly? Uh oh, what’s that smell?’

None of this screams relaxing or sexy to me. The only realistic prospect of workplace masturbation is a hurried, frantic, desperately quiet rush to a finish line and then a wave of guilt and worry afterwards. Not exactly stress free.

And I am just talking as someone who works in an office.

The thought that people who are serving food, working with the public and working with children are having masturbation breaks does not sit well at all.

I am pro masturbation. But until I can be positive that everyone I know takes bathroom hygiene seriously, then I am most definitely anti workplace wanking.

And from this day forward, I will be replacing the standard handshake with a polite nod of acknowledgement.

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