This past December, the Schmoedown was changed forever. For the first time, physical violence was introduced to the league. I spoke to some of the participants and witnesses (I didn’t really) and here’s what they had to say:

Mark Ellis: It started out like any other match, Top Ten was maintaining a healthy lead going into the third round.

Tom Dagnino: Both teams made horrible choices choosing their numbers in the third round, but I can’t be bothered with these guys.

Ben Bateman: That question was bullshit. It was supposed to be a Disney question, not an upcoming releases question.

William “The Beast” Bibbiani: Shawn Levy? Really? That was his guess? Everyone knows Levy hasn’t directed a movie since 2014’s Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb.

Dale “The Dude” Gibbs: It was my dream come true, dude! Attending a Schmoedown is like going to the Star Wars premier in 1977. Witnessing John “The Outlaw” Rocha and partner earn a title shot is like going to the Star Wars premier with Mark Hamill sitting on your lap!

Ben Bateman: Rocha tried shaking my hand after the match. Ha, loser.

Kristian Harloff: I noticed Drew take his jacket off. I figured, I don’t know, maybe he thinks it’s hot in here.

Matt Knost: I went over to that phony to shake his hand. I thought it was the right thing to do. He took it, but with a look on his face that was like he hadn’t gotten his diaper changed in weeks.

John Rocha: I was assaulted! The little shit just ran over to me and threw me on the ground!

Andrew Ghai: Fuck him.

Kristian Harloff: I ran over as quickly as I could.

Thadd Williams: Well, my first thought was that the commissioner would take care of it. Then it dawned on me that I was the commissioner.

Mark Ellis: Well, I would’ve gotten up to help but I threw out my back that day raising a Coors Light to my mouth.

Dale “The Dude” Gibbs: Unacceptable! Ridiculous! Outrageous! Nobody attacks John “The Outlaw” Rocha like that!

Ben Bateman: Let’s not get overly dramatic. Rocha’s an old man. He probably has a bad hip or something. Drew was just helping him get back up. Are we going to start suspending people for helping old ladies cross the street?

John Rocha: I just want to thank my teammate, the commissioner, the former commisioner, and Dale “The Dude” for helping out there.

Dale “The Dude”: Thank me? You are my hero, John Rocha. I felt like it was my duty.

Thadd Williams: What a contractual nightmare. I had to drag off Andrew Ghai and make sure we didn’t get into any more legal trouble. I was ready to beg Rocha not to sue. Because I know there are good documents and bad documents, and I didn’t want to be facing those bad documents.

John Rocha: Sue? I wouldn’t do that. All I wanted was for Ghai to get the Pete Rose treatment and be banned from the league.

Emma Fyffe: Making sense of the pandemonium was impossible. Knost was making thinly veiled threats at the commissioner, Ben Bateman referred to Thadd as Tab, Thadd referred to Ben as Benjamin, Ben claimed that Rocha was Andrew’s father….

Ben Bateman: Oh, he is.

Matt Knost: So we all want to put this behind us. All we have to is beat Top That and we get another title match against those commies who call themselves Patriots. Hopefully we can win that one, drama free.

John Rocha: The last thing I need is more Schmoedown drama.