Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott caused alarm late on Monday by innocently wandering into the gents in the Commons. After a man standing at the urinals pointed out her mistake, she said ‘Sorry’ – before calmly heading to one of the cubicals and closing the door. These Corbynistas never obey the rules…

There seems no limit to the public humiliation Gordon Brown’s hatchet man Ed Balls will undergo to make people love him. After his galumphing in Strictly, the former Labour Shadow Chancellor was Tasered for a BBC film. ‘He took the punishment like a trooper,’ Dog is told. It’s no worse than what bruiser Ed dished out to any Blairite who crossed the Gordfather.

By 'eck, will Harriet gag chauvinist Phil?

Few MPs are more chauvinistic than Yorkshire Tory MP Philip Davies. So no surprise to hear he is alarmed by reports that feminist high priestess Harriet Harman could replace John Bercow as Speaker. ‘By ’eck,’ says Davies. ‘If ’Arriet’s the new Speaker, I might as well pack up. I’ll never get called to speak in the Chamber again!’

So no surprise to hear Philip Davies is alarmed by reports that feminist high priestess Harriet Harman could replace John Bercow as Speaker

Dog revealed last week how allies of Boris Johnson accused Tory activist Stephen Canning, 25, of leaking his attack on Theresa May at a private dinner. Who could have taught him such black arts? The photograph of Canning with ‘Tatler Tory’ Mark Clarke, thrown out of the party after the suicide of young Tory Elliott Johnson, could be a clue.

Michael's a clever dick

Flamboyant Tory MP and former DJ Michael Fabricant scoffs at the decision by a Commons restaurant to rename ‘Spotted Dick’ ‘Spotted Richard’ to spare MPs’ blushes. ‘If you’ve got a d*** placed in front of you, it really is no use calling it a “Richard”,’ says Michael. ‘It’s ridiculous.’ Perhaps that should be ‘ridickulous’?

A Commons visitor was shocked to see a bust of Jeremy Thorpe on display – despite Hugh Grant’s TV portrayal of him as would-be nemesis of Norman Scott. MPs were quick to bin a portrait of Thorpe’s Lib-Dem pal Cyril Smith over his paedophile shame. They have no plans to ditch the Thorpe bust – but it mysteriously no longer bears his name. A Very English solution.

Anna Soubry, the arch-Europhile Tory MP that Brexiteers love to hate, was on full ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ form at a women-only drinks party at Westminster last week

Anna Soubry, the arch-Europhile Tory MP that Brexiteers love to hate, was on full ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ form at a women-only drinks party at Westminster last week. Complaining as she arrived of a painful sore throat, Anna grabbed the nearest glass of prosecco, downed it in one and then exclaimed with a satisfied sigh: ‘Ah, that’s much better!’

Princess Diana would have enjoyed a wry smile at the embarrassment of Tory Minister Earl Howe, whose family trust owns the Mayfair brothel allegedly visited by disgraced adman Martin Sorrell. As a Defence Minister in the 1990s, Howe reportedly branded Diana a ‘loose cannon’ after her landmines campaign forced the MoD to take action. Howe denies making the comment.