“Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?” — What’s Love Got to Do with It, Tina Turner

A Reminder On mobile, first time doing this, excuse the grammatical errors. Everything I do, I’m reminder of her. I really have fallen deep into the dark grasping abyss known as love. It pisses me off, she’s a wimp. Too afraid of me now; both anger and longing fill my empty heart at the sight of her. Why? Why her? There’s nothing particularly special about her, yet I’m attracted to her goals and her means of achieving if. I respect her. She has a goal, and she wants to achieve it. Wow I went on a hella random tangent. Anyways, as I was saying, everything I do or hear reminds me of her. It’s absolutely horrible. I get these hot flashes of things we’ve said to each other, things she’s done to me. The way she used to look at me. It’s not even like we were dating, but god damn were we close friends. I miss our old conversations, or the way she would greet me in the halls. Now it’s not even a passing nod, just a mutual agreement to avoid eye contact and remain speechless… I thank you for everythingg, the way you’ve changed my views and attitude towards the world. But at the same time, for the love of god why are you so terrible. Why do you insist on ignoring me. Perhaps it’s for the best.

To: X

Sincerely, 13

March 25-30 2016 I’m going to make this short. Whatsup. I know, I haven’t been very active with my blog. Whatever, the 3 people who probably view this - I’m sorry. I just, lately I’ve been trying to sleep more. I should explain that in another post. As for the changes… I’ve decided to delete social media. It’s not necessarily because of X, more of the fact that I just want to work on myself. I’m almost isolating myself in a way though, and I kind of hate it. X found out I like her - I’m 100% positive. She’s the kind of person to also ignore you if it’s too awkward for her, so rip me. I’m done. No point. I don’t plan on having a girlfriend, or losing virginity, or any of that dumb shit. I want to experience the darker side of life - find the black markets. The drugs (not to do them), intrigue me. Gaming will always be a part of my life. I have no real friends to turn back to. I never really talked to anyone about my problems, and that’s what I’m trying to do now. Well, I’ll write a depression post in a bit. For now, I’m off. Sorry for the shitty daily update.

“How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.” — David Foster Wallace

“The best people in life are free.” — New Romantics, Taylor Swift

Change Well, hopefully my titles don’t start sounding like those TSM Legends videos (for you League players out there) lol. Anyways, I think it’s high time some changes are made. I guess I’ll go more in-depth with what exactly it is I’m doing, but basically I am highly unsatisfied with myself. Everyday feels unproductive, another day wasted in the small time we are given on this planet. It’s hard though, things need to happen and I lack the motivation. X declined anyways, I don’t know if I said that. I really wasn’t expecting anything else, it was more of a farewell to a long time-determined heartbreak. Once again, heartbreak. A feeling I’ve become so accustomed to, and each time revert to the same therapy. This time will be different though. I need to change how I’m approaching myself. I just wish life were like a movie, I could just make a mini-montage with me practicing and getting better at whatever it is that I want to happen. Unfortunately, not the case. I have to wait day in and day out to get things done. Oh, dad’s yelling. Guess I’ll do my dailylife one later.

“Life has a weird way of working things out.” — ???

March 24th, 2016 Well, today was pretty interesting. But first I need to start off with what happened yesterday. Lately I’ve been aiming to have better fashion - I’m trying to look nicer, more fresh, even change my hairstyle a bit. I thought it was going well, yesterday I got a ton of compliments from girls and boys alike. So real quick, another topic. X and I have been talking a lot more lately, and it’s been going really well. Honestly I thought everything was going just great. But yesterday… Completely ignored me. I don’t know why, I’m positive I hadn’t said anything, I guess she caught whiff of my feelings and is now trying to distance herself. That’s going to be hard - we have some extracurricular activities together… So today I figured oh what the heck, and asked if she wanted to hang out this weekend. I did it through text, I know, I’m lame. But she had ignored me all day again today. So, a girl is ignoring me for two days in a row and I decide to ask her to hang out? Am I not a genius? I’m actually retarded, forgive my language. I know she received the message, but she didn’t reply, and at this point I don’t expect her to. It’s good though, I feel like it was almost a farewell message for me. Other than that sucking major butt, I had a math test today. Bombed a few questions on accident because my mind was so distracted, really is a pity. I’ll have to make up my grades in the future. I had probably studied for like 30 minutes though so I did better than I thought I would. No school tomorrow, I’ll be working on myself. I want to learn to play the guitar, breakdance, tut, and more. Also excited because I plan on playing the drums more. Music is therapy to me. I just wish I could find a playlist of older songs, you know? Like the pop songs these days are kind of meh. 2010-2012 had some really nice songs in my opinion. Whatever, I’m sad but at the same time I almost feel relieved. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

The Girl (X) I guess I need to introduce this topic first for the rest of my posts to really make sense. Before I start, understand that I am no way “depressed” simply over a girl. That’s dumb - no. But this girl is a very good friend of mine, extremely talented, kind, and beautiful. Lately we’ve grown distant, and it pains me to know that I missed an opportunity. I like her, I really do, but I know in my heart that she will never reciprocate the feeling. It’s okay though. The things I do, the way I’m trying to change myself, it’s not for her, but at the same time it is. I like it though, you can’t judge me. I want to become a better, more talented person… Even if I’m doing it for someone else. It’s a hopeless battle, I’m fighting a mountain that’ll never be climbed. But life moves on, I will move on. Hopefully. For now I will refer to her simply as X, and hopefully over the course of this blog I will no longer be talking about her, but someone else. Who knows, life has a weird way of working things out…