Earlier this year, Sara Davidson had what she calls “a massive wakeup call” about the damage our relationship with our phones can do to our children. Davidson (not her real name), a 34-year-old mother of two from London, was mindlessly scrolling through her mobile, “sucked into the Insta-vacuum”, when her eight-month-old baby crawled across the bedroom floor and on to the landing. “I heard a thud, then a cry,” she says. “My brain, transfixed by my phone, took a couple of seconds to realise that she had tumbled down the stairs. I hadn’t even noticed she was out of sight. My stomach turned.”

Davidson admits that she was very lucky: apart from being a little shocked, her daughter was fine. Her fall had been broken three steps down. “I was riddled with guilt,” Davidson says. “I could have damaged my child, and for what? For looking at some meaningless nonsense on social media? I can’t bring myself to tell my husband. But it has been enough to make me re-evaluate my relationship with my devices. The irony is, I’ve always been pretty militant about their screen time – they are both under three and don’t watch TV or have iPads.”

Many parents feel adrift in this new era of technology. Those with teenagers feel in constant conflict over screens, where leniency, rules and even bans all fail in different ways. Those with younger kids are trying to entertain and appease them, while instinctively wanting to limit time on devices that seem to do everything possible to keep children hooked. Yet parents seem unaware of the impact their own screen use has on their kids – prompting the education minister Damian Hinds to argue last month that they should consider putting phones away and prioritising “one-to-one time without gadgets”, so that children are properly supported in their learning at home.

Though 72% of parents in the US say their teenagers get distracted during conversations, according to a survey from the Pew Research Centre in August, 51% of teens say the same of their parents: their time together is interrupted by online friends, news or by work that can seem more important. “Just checking something online” is an imposed task that has a consequence emotionally, cognitively and even physically on the parent-child relationship. Parents stressed out by their children’s bad behaviour often retreat into technology – which then worsens their child’s behaviour, according to research published in the US Pediatric Research journal in June this year. Earlier research from one of the same team found that mothers and fathers who were absorbed in their devices tend to scold their children more harshly when they are interrupted.

More worryingly, evidence is building that screen use, particularly of smartphones, has a negative impact on the conversational development of very young children. Chris Calland, a child behaviour expert and adviser to parents, schools and nurseries across the UK on what has been dubbed “technoference”, says a clear relationship has emerged over the last five years between adults who are glued to their phones and children who arrive at school without the language and interpersonal skills expected of a four- to five-year-old. “I was recently asked into a school reception class to help teachers find new ways to get through to parents who were persistently talking or scrolling on their phones, even as they collected their children, took their hands and walked them away from the school gates.”

Accidental injuries in US children under five rose 10% between 2007 and 2012. The first iPhone was launched in 2007

They concluded that one solution would be to write scripts that could be handed out to parents to re-educate them in talking to their children. For example: “Look at that dog”, or “Tell me one nice thing you’ve done today.” At one nursery Calland worked with, staff put up pictures of phones with red lines through them, because they were struggling so hard to gain parents’ attention. Perhaps this is not surprising, when parents can now buy a phone holder that clips on to a pram or even a “swipe and feed” accessory that can be attached to a baby bottle. “This is not about judgment,” Calland says. “Being drawn into our phones is insidious. But the first three years are the most formative for children, and when parents have their attention locked on their phones, they are missing countless cues to interact with their kids.”

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In learning language, the quality of interaction is critical. The “conversational duet” was first identified in the 1980s to describe the learning stage between 18 months and three years – the intimate cooing and babbling between parent and child as it learns and repeats language through a magical ensemble of bodily, facial and vocal interactions. Interruptions – calls, notifications, Facebook updates or photo-taking – sabotage that exchange.

In a study published in the US journal Developmental Psychology in August 2017, researchers asked two groups of mothers to teach their children two words. In one group, the mothers were interrupted by a phone call; whether they explained the interruption or not, their children did not learn the new words. The children who weren’t interrupted did. To make sense of this effect, Maryam Abdullah, a developmental psychologist who directs the parenting programme at the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, says it’s important to recognise how crucial attachment is to child development. “Children are learning the rhythm of what it feels like to be in a social interaction. They are learning social dialogue from the responsiveness of the parent to their changes in emotion.”

This delicate, gentle process of bonding and learning is critical for parents, too, honing their ability to read their child’s cues and anticipate a problem or need before it escalates. And a key part of attachment is, unsurprisingly, attention – the very thing our devices are so good at stealing from us.

Michelle Morris, consultant speech and language therapist at Salford Royal NHS Trust, cautions that there is no unequivocal data on the effects of tech, because there are so many other variables at work. “We do, however, know about early language development and the importance of the adult being ‘in the moment’ and starting a conversation. If a child points to some ducks in a park, and the adult is not ‘present’ because they are looking at Instagram, they won’t see this non-verbal exchange and will miss the opportunity to respond accordingly. It frustrates the child and, over time, may reduce the likelihood of them initiating that type of interaction again. It reduces the opportunity for exposure to words, and it misses a vital early learning opportunity.”

‘Being drawn into our phones is insidious.’ Photograph: Getty Images

Distracted parenting can even damage children physically. Some London childcare agencies have reported that parents are now insisting that nannies sign contracts keeping them off social media in work hours. But there is nothing to stop parents catching up on emails or reading the news online while the kids are in the playground. They might be unnerved to hear that accidental injuries in US children under five rose 10% between 2007 and 2012, largely put down to a lack of closer supervision. The first iPhone was launched in 2007.

In an eye-opening 2016 study, 50 children between three and 12 ran round a sports field as fast as they could. Parents of half the kids were hunched over their phones and turned away from the field, while the other half had no phone and were fully engaged in watching their children. The children in the second group were 17% less likely to trip, fall or make a false start, and also ran three seconds faster. This is all down to attachment, Abdullah explains. During a piano recital or school play, the attentive presence of a parent helps a child regulate from afar. “The attention gives them a sense of reassurance, security, consistency, a responsiveness to their needs – and, from an emotional perspective, it is soothing. As a child begins to grow, that relationship becomes the model for how they understand how to relate to other people.”

Even with adolescents – who are naturally pushing for autonomy to make their own decisions – the example set by their parents is hugely formative. Our self-management skills typically don’t mature until we reach our mid-20s, suggesting our parents and, to some extent, our peers, influence our development until then. All this means that if you’re confiscating your kids’ devices in the evening, but are still glued to your own phone at night, it’s a recipe for conflict, because you’re not setting a consistent example.

I recently visited a church in Livermore, a quiet Californian town 40 miles from Silicon Valley, where a crowd of parents and slightly reluctant teenagers had gathered to watch Screenagers , an indie documentary about teenagers’ use of technology. There were groans of recognition as it played. “I got Lauren a phone when she was 13,” parent Michelle Deplitch tells me afterwards, “and now her sister is coming up to 13 and she wants one, too. But I say, ‘I already lost one child. I can’t lose another.’” Lauren and her younger brother, Ian, see things differently, of course. “Dad is on his computer from when he wakes up at 5am to when we leave for school, looking at motorcycles and boats and stuff,” Ian says. “It’s not at the right times,” Lauren adds. “When we have to go places, he’ll do everything at the last minute and we’ll be late.”

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Jaron Lanier doesn’t think it’s helpful to blame parents or their children for this apparent crisis in our prosocial development. A computer scientist, technology philosopher and musician, Lanier has been warning of technology’s “agents of alienation” since 1992. He has been emphatically vindicated by the era of the data-gathering, attention-stealing smartphone. He is multitasking when I talk to him, organising imminent delivery of tonight’s dinner with his 12-year-old daughter, while describing the malign effects of the technology companies to me on the phone. “I’m not claiming to be an ideal parent because I’m figuring this out, too,” he says. “But I do know about the technology and, from that perspective, it’s important to remember that these devices are designed to be addictive, in the formal sense. That’s the acknowledged truth from executives at these companies. Rather than thinking it’s the kids’ fault or the parents’ fault, we have to recognise that these are cruel systems that prey on universal human frailties.”

Despite this, Lanier has detected the earliest shoots of conscience in Silicon Valley, not least because many technologists are now in their 30s with kids of their own. This summer, Google and Apple introduced features that let smartphone users monitor and limit how much time they spend on their own devices, although these are basic and easy to work around. Surely the industry could do more to come up with technologies that compete less aggressively for our attention and which are better for our physical and emotional health?

Ask parents to monitor how much they are on their phones and everyone is shocked

Janet Read, professor of child computer interaction at the University of Central Lancashire, says part of the problem is that many services are based on rigid systems originally built for the workplace. These allow users to play, surf or browse infinitely, giving little encouragement to moderate screen time – whether they are a Facebook-addicted mother or a Minecraft-obsessed child. A more humane approach would be to use artificial intelligence to develop computers that could mimic and reflect the behaviour of children. “Maybe the computer could have a hissy fit, or it could slow down, or stop interacting or be naughty. That kind of interaction could be more helpful to a child’s development because it reflects our own instincts and behaviours.” If the computer decides that 20 minutes is enough, or that we seem too tired to play, it could just shut down – and, in doing so, help us to learn what the right time to switch off feels like.

Read says there is insufficient research in this area, but that computers could be taught to respond to humour and playfulness, or to empathise when a user seems to be struggling. At school, that might mean creating a computer that behaves more like a teacher, adjusting each interaction according to the learning style of the child. Children could be encouraged to share, take turns and resolve arguments. But until there is some kind of maturity in the technology we have all come to rely on, Read acknowledges that parents are in a difficult position. For poorer families, in particular, the phone can provide a lifeline to support and connection when someone is feeling stressed and isolated. “You can’t teach anyone how to parent – they’ve got to figure it out for themselves,” she says.

Advice published by the American Medical Association in August suggests good technology hygiene: no devices while driving, at the dinner table or in the bedroom; allocating time to unplug with your children; and showing them how to focus on a single task at a time. Crucially, it also advises prioritising quality, technology-free time with your children while resisting the urge to document it all. Morris, of Salford Royal NHS Trust, believes public health intervention is necessary. “One of the most helpful things that we can do is have a discussion with all parents about their screen time and ask them to monitor how much they are on their phones – everyone is shocked. We can then encourage them to pledge a planned period of phone-free time when they are with their children. This way no families are stigmatised.”

Kelsey Wolfman, a parent from the San Francisco bay area, has had more success than most in rebalancing her family’s use of devices. She recently banned her three young children from playing video games, watching TV or using their tablet computers. She was tired of the tantrums when it was time to do homework and increasingly worried about the impact of screen time on her children’s wellbeing, especially when one of her sons started struggling with anxiety and night terrors.

“I decided to do a screen fast and see if we could reduce the battle we are having,” she says. “Now I find I spend more time entertaining them, interjecting in arguments or when they are getting a bit too creative with toys. But what has helped them be OK with not having their screens is that I have turned off all the notifications on my own phone and, instead, try to check in once every couple of hours. I felt bad about them seeing me constantly responding to my phone. I don’t want them to stop having a zest for life in general, for being outside and exploring and getting their hands dirty. I want them to know that there is a huge world out there.”

• Additional reporting by Deborah Linton

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