Seth Meyers

Monday was the deadline for Americans to file their taxes, and to mark the occasion, Seth Meyers noted that Donald Trump still has not released his tax returns. For three years, the president has cited “a fake audit that definitely does not exist” to justify keeping his tax returns under wraps, Meyers said, but that probably won’t hold against a recent House ways and means committee demand that the IRS release them.

Noting that “the president always sounds like a spam email asking you for your social security number”, Meyers suggested that Congress “would have more luck getting his tax returns if they just used his syntax in their request”.

“Mr President (some would say best President), We are WRITING to request your tax returns,” Meyers wrote for Congress. “Are willing to send truck to pick up as they are so big, massive even (!) from your many large and successful businesses (WOW!!!).”

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Regardless, it’s up the IRS, not Trump, whether or not the House demand is fulfilled. Yet the White House press secretary, Sarah Sanders, circuited the Sunday talkshows to blast congressional Democrats for the request, claiming they were too dumb to understand Trump’s returns.

“OK, now, this is what she wants – she’s trolling us,” Meyers explained. “She wants us to get all mad and riled up and point out all the ways that Trump is actually the idiot because that’s their only move: to take whatever we say about Trump and turn it back on us. And we’re just too dignified for that. We’re not going to stoop to her level, and I’m just kidding and here’s a bunch of dumb shit the president has said and done.” He cut to a compilation of Trump’s more meme-able gaffes – toilet paper on his shoe, mispronouncing “future” as “furniture”, calling the Apple CEO, Tim Cook, “Tim Apple” and describing a hurricane as “very, very wet”.

In what Meyers described as another dumb move, Trump attempted to further incite outrage over immigration by floating the idea of forcibly moving migrants from the Mexican border to so-called sanctuary cities.

“So that’s your brilliant chess move: to send poor migrant families fleeing poverty and violence to cities that actually want to welcome them,” Meyers said. “This is one of the dumbest attempted trolls I’ve ever heard. We’re all actively volunteering to take in more refugees and Trump is like: ‘Oh, I know – I’ll let them take in more refugees. That’ll show them!’”

Jimmy Kimmel

Over in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel recapped Donald Trump’s enthusiastic reaction to Tiger Woods’s win at the Masters this weekend; in a tweet, Trump said he planned to award Woods the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his comeback in golf and in life. Or maybe for a few more reasons, Kimmel said. “I know why Donald Trump is giving Tiger Woods the Presidential Medal of Freedom: it’s the closest he can get to giving himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

“Tiger Woods and the measles are back. What a time to be alive!”

In honor of tax day, Kimmel also pointed out that “we still haven’t seen the president’s taxes.”. The reason for that, at least according to Sarah Sanders, is that Congress is too dumb to interpret them. Today’s congressmen and women “are [not] smart enough to look through the thousands of pages that I would assume that President Trump’s taxes will be”, Sanders said.

“That’s interesting,” Kimmel responded. “Did you know she clips her toenails with her teeth?”