Obviously, no one sits down and makes a rational decision about who to fall in love with, but I get frustrated with the veiled condescension of straight people who believe that queers "can't help it," and thus should be treated with tolerance and pity. To say "I was born this way" is to apologize for the person I am and for whom I love. It's like saying I would be different if I could. I wouldn't.

My partner is worried about how a relationship can change once a couple has children. "Even when the father is this totally supportive, feminist partner, once the baby comes the woman ends up doing all the child-rearing -- and working at the same time."

I nod; I've watched this dynamic unfold more than once in the partnerships of others. "It's just really unfair," my partner continues.

"But baby," I say, "it's not going to be like that for us."

"How can you be sure?"

I smile. "Because neither of us are guys."

If there's one thing to be said about lesbian relationships, it's this: You always start from equal footing. It is never assumed that one partner is genetically predisposed to enjoy doing laundry. Bizarrely, I actually do enjoy doing laundry, or at least prefer it to most other household necessities; my partner, on the other hand, is a skilled and enthusiastic cook. So I provide clean sheets and folded undershirts, and in return I get homemade pear-gorgonzola pizza and lemon-roasted asparagus. I also do more of the housework right now because my partner is working full-time while I'm in graduate school. We divide up the chores based on who can realistically do what, and arrive at the best possible arrangement for the two of us and our relationship. We don't have ready-made roles to step into -- the breadwinner, the housewife. We're just us, trying to do what we can for each other.

Neither of us was raised with male privilege. Neither of us was raised to believe, on some subconscious level, that the way we perceive the world is the default setting, and everyone else is deviant. Neither of us assumes that our career is more important, or makes decisions without consulting the other. This is not meant to be male-bashing: I know a lot of wonderful straight men who have done the work of breaking down their internalized sexism and developing a more nuanced way of relating to women, but it's just that. It's work. Men and women begin from different levels of entitlement, and it takes a concerted effort to meet in the middle. For millions of heterosexual couples, that effort is rewarding and completely worth it, but you couldn't pay me to go back to that kind of relationship.

And that's even before we start talking about the sex. Interestingly, some of the only people who don't think gays and lesbians are set in our ways from birth are the right-wing fundamentalists who want to "fix" us. They frequently claim that the reason we turn to the queer side in the first place is because our animal lust gets the better of us. Of course, if you give it a little thought, what they're really saying is that anyone who lacked their moral strength would change teams -- the temptation is that overwhelming. To think like this in the first place, they pretty much have to be working from the assumption that gay sex is better than straight sex.