Penalties. Upsets. Heartbreak. Untouchable screamers. Volleys of the crane-kick and standing variety. The MLS playoffs have already given us just about everything one could possibly want from a cup format, and we’re not even done with the conference semifinals yet.



Of course, we have had to say farewell to a few teams. Some were thoroughly stomped into the turf. Others let their chance slip by a ragged fingernail. We’ll address those departed squads in the acceptance rankings, then take the blood pressure of those who remain. Are you as spry as a marathoner the night before the race, or is it time to knock back some Robitussin, apply a cold compress, and pray for sweet, blessed relief? The panic rankings are back to tell you how to feel.



Acceptance Rankings



1. Philadelphia Union



After the doctors reattached all the limbs we lost when David Villa and Ismael Tajouri-Shradi decided to play a game of Operation using us as the gameboard, it...