THE prime minister’s has declared that he would marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland.

Boris Johnson has visited all three countries to decide on his order and has confirmed to parliamentary colleagues it is definitive and will not change further.

He explained: “Scotland’s the best-looking but she’s a fucking nightmare. Left-wing, freezing cold, always going on about her independence. You couldn’t live with that.

“Wales, meanwhile, might not have the looks or the oil or any decent cities but it’s a proper doormat. Never stands up for itself. Even voted for Brexit. That’s what I’m looking for in a wife.

“And Northern Ireland is totally crazy, half in love with England and half burning with hatred, and everyone knows that makes for incredible sex. God, the scratches on your back afterwards.

“So that’s the order, that’s my decision and those are the priorities of my government. Any further questions?”