Well, no they can't. But it turns out that rich people have access to all sorts of insane sex toys that the rest of us had no idea even existed. So the next time you see a celebrity or political sex scandal in the news, there's a chance they might have been using ...

Whether you're in the 99 percent or the 1 percent, sex is the one thing that unifies us all. It's not like the richest people on earth can upgrade to platinum genitals that fire aphrodisiac darts, right? Right?

14 Gold-Plated Prostate Massager

Via Store.babeland.com

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Cost: $990

At first blush, this is just an 18-karat-gold-plated door handle. Then you read the description, "gentleman's pleasure object," and realize it's made to go up your butthole.

So now you have a classy gold tool that you might use to tickle your prostate discreetly in the country club sauna or furiously on the bow of your yacht, depending on how desensitized wealth has made you. But wait, what are those things that come with it? Travel prostate massagers? Actually, they're cufflinks, so you can advertise your favorite sex toy brand at black-tie galas, funerals and cancer fundraisers.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Presumably, the cuffs are special designed to not get in the way of even the most acrobatic butt-hole maneuvers.

The massager also comes with an "elegant wooden gift box," a "satin pouch for stylish storage" and a manual, which we assume consists entirely of fake stories for explaining to the emergency room staff how "the thing that flushes the toilet" got stuck in your butt.

Via Store.babeland.com

"OK, but what about the other three we found in there?"