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Some of the editors of this article are excruciatingly unfunny and ignorant while trying to type out what they think most Bruneians do. Factual or not, it's up to you to decide. But if you want facts, go to somewhere like Wikipedia. The first four paragraphs will initiate sleepiness. Please read..with...extreme cautio ..... ZZZ.







“Woah! Terhibur ku kau ah...!”



~ a sarcastic Bruneian

“Facebook? No we don't need one, we've got our mobile phones”



~ Starsky & Hutch or Spiky & Curly

“Murah Kaliah nasi katok ani serringit!!”



~ A cheap Bruneian

“Bulih Kali Aaaaaahhh!”



~ Uncool Bruneian saying

“Aku Banaa Banaa Kan Kau, Param Pam-Pam!”



~ Achai - Brunei's own army skinhead-turned-radio pop star

“Mana ada ku racist... eh tunggu cuba ko liat tu, bahapa Kaling ah?”



~ An inspirational quote from a non-racist society

“That place, so hott.”



~ Paris Hilton on Brunei

“Andangnya tu eh! Kerajaan jua wah!”



~ Common praise to the government

“Omg! That Caucasian guy is so hot.”



~ Terminology coming from a typical Bruneian girl

“JAN NDA GALAT!”



~ A CS player from Contessa Netcomm

“YOU ALL ARE COMMITING BLASPHEMY! LONG LIVE THE GOD KING EMPEROR!”



~ Old Patriotic Antiques ... I mean, Golden Citizens





without comedic tastes, the Brunei. For thosecomedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about



The Kingdom of Brunei Darussalam, (IPA: [bruˈnaj]) more commonly known as Brunei (Malay: Negara Brunei Darussalam, English: Brunei-the Abode of Piss, Jawi: برني دارالسلام ), is a liberal Buddhist monarchy, and a former Irish colony. Her native population consists of a small tribe of Buddhist monks and a few POKLENS, live ascetically under the shade of the many coolibah-trees, while meditating for a better world. The capital of Brunei is Baghedol Buddha Bai Bai Borat Bauta Burok.

Brunei is widely known for being the last country in the world without any restaurant. Less known is the fact that the first person to reach the Moon was in fact a Bruneian monk, who after atleast 100 years of non-stop meditation acquired the skill of levitation. However that monk died when he realized his meditation wasn't enough for him to acquire the ability to breath in space.

edit] History

Maha Nikol Aqmal Qudis Deju Bor-nya

Brunei was founded about 1337 A.D. (LAST THURSDAY) by the great Buddha himself (known in the Brunei historical archives as 'Maha Nikol Aqmal Qudis Deju Bor-nya'), and also Malai Janice Dickinson, as a haven where Buddhists could live harmoniously together and have sex with Micheal Jackson as a form of deep meditation, concentrating their full efforts on reaching Nirvana (if you get what I mean). The ideal only lasted about 42 years (Inaccurate, it actually lasted OVER 9000 years), before she was invaded by Afghanistan who needed to expand her territory in order to meet rising demands of opium on the world market.

Brunei was allowed to retain her independence, but was forced to give away a large area of fertile farmland, reducing her to about 0.2% of her original size to the present day. The invasion also lead to the introduction of the opium-plant, which caused a long period of moral decay (amongst the monks) that still persists to this day as evident in the spiked-haired Goku-DBZ wannabe teenage population. At that time, famous village whore, Malai Janice Dickinson fled to Malaysia to save her ass by degrading herself to be a sex-slave to a horny prince but later on escaped and work with Aim-TV on a show called "The Ticket" alongside Maya Karin.

The monks are now in hiding until now trying to meditate for 30,000 years to reach level 1.2 of Monk-Cosmic-Powers so they could obtain the ability to obliterate the enemy by thrusting their arms in the invaders ass and rip them inside-out.

edit] Politics and government

The United Nations considered Brunei as the most democratic nation in the world. This is because locals can vote whoever they want to be the leader of their..... kampongs (villages). Brunei is run by a union of fruitcakes, and sometimes by a pineapple.

Brunei is widely known for her liberal laws which state that as everyone will receive judgment after death, the only crime that is to be punished is murder (bearing the death penalty). Vegetarianism is compulsory, because it also is illegal to kill animals for food. If you really really want to eat meat, you are only allowed to eat the various types of animals that make “oink-oink” noises which are supplied by Heineken Beer Company Sdn Bhd.

edit] Economy, business operations and job opportunities

This is fact, don't try to deny it. Foreigners are overtaking our country. Jobs has been given to mainly Indians, Filipinos, Malaysians etc. and they're making a fortune. Most of people still hasn't realize about it, but Malays are being conquered.

Jobs are given to the other races is mainly because the locals prefer nothing more than playing a guitar infront of closed shops in the early morning.

Complaining about not getting a job? Well think again my friend. Making racist comments against Indians? Well think again my friend. They're all over us. SHAME!

It has been observed that, out of the 3.74% of the Malays that are employed in Brunei (well, the rest are chronically fed by the government through M.I.L.F. (MALAYS IN LUCK FUND) ahem), 96% were found to have common excuses to leave work from 9am to 3pm, and coming back to office to pack up and call it a day at 3.30pm. Anyway, the common excuses used are as follows:

Monday: Go Bank

Go Bank Tuesday: Go School (Son fighting in school... You actually have 52 sons? Or your son fought every week in school?)

Go School (Son fighting in school... You actually have 52 sons? Or your son fought every week in school?) Wednesday: Go Police Station (Fren accident... Your frens never die from so many accidents?)

Go Police Station (Fren accident... Your frens never die from so many accidents?) Thursday: Go Bank... Again. (Did you only withdraw $10 on Monday or what?)

Go Bank... Again. (Did you only withdraw $10 on Monday or what?) Friday: Go Sembahyang (Praying)

Go Sembahyang (Praying) Saturday: Go Hospital

edit] Film Industry

The productivity of the film industry in Brunei is evidently growing over the last couple of years, with more and more Bruneians taking videos (in 3GP format with their cameraphone, to be specific) and uploading them to YouTube. Films range from fake street/bathroom fights, school students bitching with each other, people trying to immitate Achai the skinhead, lame music videos, people wasting their life just to get their faces/stupid acts online, and many more. Brunei entered the International Film Festival last year, and (not surprisingly) lost to Bollywood India. On a smaller note, the unheralded local porn industry seen its booming years since the advent of 3GP clips, although it has been on a downslide since everybody with a recording device starts to imitate the act and capitalise on their 30 seconds of fame.

edit] Transportation

There is currently zero number of taxis in Brunei. To promote the expansion of taxi services, the locals are encouraged to donate some of their cars to the national taxi support program called “Self-Inflicted Ridiculous Accidents Program (SIRAP)” on which people can stand a chance to win $1 million monthly prize sponsored by Tabung Arah Isteri Bayie (TAIB) International Bank. That is why almost every Bruneian either already had a ‘blame-it-on-the-other-stupid-driver’ car accident or is going to have one ‘bukan-salahku-kali-ah-palui!’ car accident in the future.

The world’s fastest train transport system can be found in Brunei located at Seru-Dong Park. Bruneians use the train to ferry their cars incase their cars run out off the cheap 4 cents-per-litre unleaded petrol/diesel.

edit] Places of Interests

The Mall - A populated heaven for emo & scene kids to gather socially to meet with losers.

- A populated heaven for emo & scene kids to gather socially to meet with losers. Kampung Ayer - Don't believe what they tell you in the brochures. This place is a garbage-infested drug-dealers' heaven .

- Don't believe what they tell you in the brochures. This place is a . Sungai Akar - Where garbages are accumulated, a place that is a billion times grosser than 2 girls 1 cup.

- Where garbages are accumulated, a place that is a billion times grosser than 2 girls 1 cup. Yayasan Shopping Complex - Indon headquarters which is supposed to be a better place than the Mall.

- Indon headquarters which is supposed to be a better place than the Mall. Brunei Stadium - Racetrack for heavily modified Toyota Kijangs, Echos and horse carriages.

- Racetrack for heavily modified Toyota Kijangs, Echos and horse carriages. Seru-dong Park - Ghost-town entertainment theme park for the whole family!

- Ghost-town entertainment theme park for the whole family! Bangar - Bangar?? Bangal?? Where on Earth is that???!

- Bangar?? Bangal?? Where on Earth is that???! UBD Where your pop met your mom and banged her, 9 months later or less (depends), you pop out.

Where your pop met your mom and banged her, 9 months later or less (depends), you pop out. Kpg. Pandan 7 Lagoon - Tall grass and a best place for wildlife.

- Tall grass and a best place for wildlife. Miri - OH! wait! It's not a part of Brunei but it is a place for Bruneians (Mostly KBians) donating their money while Brunei is in the process of oil and gas lacking.

- OH! wait! but it is a place for Bruneians (Mostly KBians) donating their money while Brunei is in the process of oil and gas lacking. Millimewah - The place where I usually shop.

- The place where I usually shop. The Empire - 5 star hotel located near a beach. they usually are famous for cooking the worlds most famous overcooked pastas and lasagna.136

- 5 star hotel located near a beach. they usually are famous for cooking the worlds most famous overcooked pastas and lasagna.136 Infinity - Crappy CC but the only CC near my house. :(

edit] Culture

edit] Bruneian Teenagers

10% of the teens are simply losers, emulating emos and they have a tendency to AZN type. The other % of them are prudes who look like the world is coming to an end at the mention of sex, they adorn themselves with headscarves and fancy only Malay artistes such as Mawi and Erra Fazira (Awie is also an all-time favourite). Let's just not bother them... (Bit harsh isn't it dude? They have their interests, we have ours)

A secret conspiracy is going on as more and more male teenagers in the country appear to have a suspiciously similar looking hair fashion after visiting a $10 (student price) or $12 (Gullible student's price) hair-cut salon. It was believed that Japanese aliens had disguise themselves in a regular form of flamboyant male Filipino hairdressers working in the salon trying to invade Brunei by giving the male teenagers a JAP-style hair cut, leveling up their self-esteem simultaneously brainwashing them to know only vanity and become worthless to their parents and turn them into a being known as zombified-trash society. It is by this way that the Aliens will invade the country by using Brunei stupid teenagers. (I don't feel like deleting this paragraph mister/miss, because it's quite amusing but umm where else would they be able to get decent haircuts??) (KADAI KALING ADA AH, $3 SAJA)

Speaking of stupid, 65 percentile of Brunei teenage population are infected by a mysterious disease believed to be originating from a monkey biting a teen girl 28 days later (no pun intended) after the monkey-escaped-chaos incident. Its effect on Brunei teenagers is that they have the tendency to do nothing except spend time on their Friendster and now, Facebook! putting down ambiguous and pointless descriptions of themselves, Photo-shopping themselves to make themselves look bangable (which they are mostly not, even if they are ... they are guaranteed to have an extreme case of HERPES). They also update their blog daily, writing about what they did like going to so-called fancy restaurants like Excapade and Dome, plus they bizarrely take pictures of what they had ordered at the restaurant. Wait, I've came across a blog in which someone was showing off some ordinary chocs her daddy bought from a European country, oowww poor kid. The reasons for such actions are yet to be explain by the monkey scientists.

Another different but similarly serious disease of Bruneian teenagers is their impression that they are excellent in English (MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?) and always attempt to adopt the glossy MTV accent, nevertheless, they still do not obtain As in their O Levels. This is partly blamed on parents who brought them to UK, where the disease is believed to have been originated from. Their parents should be banned from bringing them to England (that's where most of them go for "Luxury" holidays) on account of endless rambles about Marks and Spencer, River Island and the Big Ben. Not to mentioned bragging about stuff they bought at the excessively mind dumbing stupid overpriced goodies from the famous store in London called Harrods (You got it wrong d00d, not everything is dear in Knightsbridge) This cause a disturbance in the classes of teenage society declaring a country state of emergency in finding a cure to this I-am-cooler-than-you-coz-ive-been-to-UK-LOSER! disease a priority. (but nearly everyone has been to UK)

Sub-cultures such as Emo (Krextion anyone?) and scene kids are being adored by most Bruneian teenagers. The motive of being an Emo in Brunei is to wear black skin tight T-shirts and tight jeans which shows lumps of the Bruneian Emo boys' balls (Extra large when they steam) and being a cheap sad fag. The motive of being a scene kid is to wear the same clothings and being hardcore chollo-spoilt-brats listening to Metal music.

Brunei government is trying it's best to abolish Emo culture since more and more majority of Bruneian boys are becoming gay (SURPRISE! BUTTSECKS!). POPULATION crisis, Brunei is still an underpopulated country.

The remaining 5% are dot dot dot.

To conclude what he said above, I just like to add here that majority teenager kids in Brunei are Emo cockfags for males and Paris Hiltons for females who sits down at Chill restaurant, did nothing but 'be cool' wondering how they had sex the night before, stare at other people, complimenting on themselves, waste their stupid life and watch freaking MTV.

Also, they tried so hard to copy American cultures, as the other guy and I already mentioned, MTV influences, TV shows etc. are all being copied to suit their shallow, superficial lifestyle.

"EH JANGAN CEMATU BUI, INDA RAGAT TU" - Says a typical Bruneian male trying so hard to be macho as an 'advice' for his mate.

POKLENS? IN MY INTERNETS? IT'S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK.

Type connect "203.185.34.234:27015" in your CS console. Usually works when E-Speed "inda CAWEE" (not fucked up sucky).

edit] Language

There will never be anywhere more annoying regarding language among the youth cultures then Brunei itself. Don't get me wrong, England isn't so much better or any other countries in such regard (If you're thinking I'm preferable then that pretty much covered it up).

A certain kind of language is widely used by the teenagers in Brunei or young adults across the country. This must've started by the moron kids who can't spell who are using Instant Messenger Chat services, Social Network website, mobile messages. Their 'creativity' in spellings has taken the country by storm and quickly turned into a trend as those who can really spell misinterpreted these spelling mistakes and this trend quickly fused into the online, mobile and youth culture.

Some moronic teenagers also thinks they're too creative and smart for language that they actually added extra alphabets on words (or sometimes numbers) so it would look nicer. Example: 'byez' which actually meant 'bye' with an extra 'z'. Another habit for teenagers is replace the letter b with v. Example: kambang becomes "kmvng", or even bye-bye becomes vye2 (shorten form).

Examples of such moronic things they spelled out (With meanings):

Plz - Please

Dat - That

Hye - Hi

Hyez - Hi

Hy - Hi

Hee~ - Some kind of a laugh

X ah - Kali ah

N0t - Not

knp - Kenapa

mlz - Malas

Eyhz - Just simply annoying

Mishew - Miss you

ere - Here

cz - Because/cause

brbz - Berabis (Not to be mistaken with 'Be Right Back' in chat language.

Wif - With

he3 - Hehehe

old - "Oledi", which rhymes with "Already"

skool - "School"

hihi - "Hi" and "Hi"

xx[insert emo name]xx - Very common in Friendster.

aqu - Aku

yuh - You

As you can already see, it might've started with a little touch of 'creativity' in modifying the term "Hi" and it goes on and on.

Who should I blame for a 'U' in English for Major examinations in Brunei? Mobile phone companies for creating SMS and school for not taking action regarding this matter. And also parents for giving their 8 year old kids mobile phones just because they want them and it is a trend nowadays.

Our youth is a joke, really

I can't say how much I agree with the above statement. Seeing I don't know any other sophisticated words to disagree with.

edit] Media

The media in Brunei consists of tabloids, newspapers, television and radio. If they don't provide television, they will turn to the Borneo Bulletin which houses the most crackpot writers in the world, mainly Ignatius Stephen. His ways of writings can shame even your writing! The newspaper also consist of an opinion section where Bruneians are given the freedom to write in and Bitch around. Unfortunately the letters make no grammatical sense whatsoever which results in them becoming completely ignored as no one can understand them, one of the better known writers is Seymour Jugs. The people of Brunei thinks he just might be the next Agatha Christie; critics say he is unbearable compared to J.K. Rowling.

RTB is the lamest TV station in the world with old folks are being viewed and the same programmes and shows are repeated like almost everyday which cause more Bruneians wanting to buy Astro or Parabolla. Truly enough, RTB always shows the lame lame lame latest gossips and affairs about old folks in Brunei. RTB caused 90% of Bruneian teenagers to be infected with the same I-am-so-bored-and-I-need-MTV diseases. Brunei teenagers have to bitch their parents in order to buy Astro (If they are a big fan of Akademi Fantasia, MTV programmes or Channel V programmes)or Parabolla (If they are a big fan of Dangdut, KDI-Kelab Dangdut Indonesia).

BruneiStudent.com [1] is a place where you can find the latest news, where local people can discuss about the latest Monk-related technology. According to statistics, 1/100 of the population resides in BruStu, as they fondly call it.

edit] Activities

Brunei’s number one favorite past time is bowling. This is evident from the hundreds of bowling alleys conveniently located near dozens of REAL HEALTHY FOOD PLACES throughout the country.

Another favorite local activity is reading. At least 1 in 3 Bruneians read their SMS once every minute. Due to this popular activity, the country requires fourteen mobile telecommunication provider companies to supply mobile telecommunication requirements for the population. Every year, Brunei hosts the international ‘SMS while driving’ competition where the top prize is usually the Mercedikz Bendz Z-Class.

Some spend time playing CS and dreaming to become Roma Victor players.

edit] Trivia

Most of Bruneian old men love to seduce their amahs (house maids) and eventually, bang them.

Almost two million years ago Darth Vader arrived in ancient Brunei from a galaxy far far farrr away deciding to conquer it. In the end its too far far farrr away for him so he decide not to.

Do you know that the word Malay is derived from the word "Ma-las" an ancient Brunei term for Lazy....well no surprises there. And despite the common belief that the word "Brunei" comes from "Baru Nah", it was ACTUALLY from "Baru Iaa!!!!!"

Almost 95% of all Bruneian Malays think Indons are nothing but bike-stealers (pencuri basikal). Don't believe me? Ask that Indon down the street who's riding something that *absolutely* looked like your bike.

The roads of Brunei was once gold, but cars keep on skidding on it during rainy seasons creating problems, so the government sold the gold road on eBay and used the money to build a Free theme park called the Seru-Dong! Park Playground. The theme park was intended to attract increasing Indonesian workers in the country. The vision is, Seru-Dong! park was to be a new center for them as so they would stop Indonising the Yayasan area at the country's capital. Recently a multi-million dollar park renovation project took place aimed to redecorate the park to look more like a “ghost town” which is expected to provide spine-tingling excitement for the estimated 5000 visitors per day to the theme park.

In Brunei, it is required by law that people should never walk more than 100 meters to their desired destination within the country. A journey of more than 100m should be used either by a small dorky ‘look-at-me-i-look-like-an-idiot-but-im-so-cool’ mini motorcycle or a big bulky ‘i-have-an-expensive-car-but-im-in-debt’ SUV vehicle.

By law, if there is a road accident in Brunei which rarely happens, other drivers are required to slow down their cars to look curiously and criticize the accident. If possible, taking pictures of the road accident is greatly encouraged.

If you wear a white hat (topi haji) while driving on a 2 lane roadway, you are required to drive less than 40 km/hour in the fast (right) lane, and let other drivers cut you from the left lane.

In Brunei the meaning for "bank loan" is synonymous for "let's buy another car although we already have seven at home".

Bruneians are well-known for its great wealth. They are so rich that when asked about the poor, they are like "Poor? What the hell is Poor? Can I buy it?".

Talk is Cheap, and not many Bruneians realised that. For example, many of them go like 'I speak CO2', let's use bags with 'green' slogans yet do not practice veganism or vegetarianism.

Kampung Ayer is called Venice of the East on account of the higgledy-piggledy housing arrangements.

Brunei is Monaco with Down Syndrome.

Dude, are you emo? If you are, let's make out without being gay!

The nasi katok is definitely not a rip-off, for every satu bungkus, it contains a litre of animal grease, half a chicken, and sambal which requires great dexterity and terpaksa membanting tulang empat kerat untuk membuat. All that for a buck only.

edit] Notable Bruneians