(The Bible had several editors. The following is a transcript between one of the editors and Matthew the Apostle.)

Editor: Matthew! Come in, we need to talk about your book.

Matthew: What did you think?

Editor: I think it needs some serious changes before it goes to print.

Matthew: Changes? Like what?

Editor: Let’s start with the title. You’ve called the book, The Book of Matthew.

Matthew: What’s wrong with it?

Editor: Well, for starters, it stinks. ‘The Book of Matthew’. Boring. You’ve written the sequel to the Old Testament here, so, why don’t we call it, ‘The Bible II: The Wrath of God’. Now we’re selling in Damascus!

Matthew: But, the sequel is all about forgiveness, not wrath.

Editor: You just want your name on it. I’ve seen this with writers before. All ego. Who are you in the book any way? Just a minor character. The book’s all about this Jesus Christ character. So, why not name it after him? Call it, ‘The Book Of J.C.’ and what did you call that bunch of clingers-ons? The Seven Dwarves?

Matthew: The Twelve Apostles.

Editor: Apostles. Don’t like it. Let’s lighten them up a bit, call them the ‘Sunshine Band’. Yeah, J.C. and the Sunshine band. Much better. And getting to that ending of yours…

Matthew: The ending’s perfect!

Editor: No, it stinks worse than the title. The whole time J.C. tells the Sunshine Band that’s he’s gonna die and come back and what happens? He dies and comes back. Big deal. Where’s the drama?

Matthew: But, that’s the whole point. The whole point of the faith!

Editor: Matt, Matty, sweetheart, don’t make points, make a story. You got no suspense here. J.C. succeeds at whatever he does, so, why should the reader ever doubt that he’s coming back? Maybe he could fake his death, then we could open some stuff up.

Matthew: But that’s not true.

Editor: Matthew, listen to me as your editor: never sacrifice a good story for the name of truth. And you should know I’m negotiating book deals with Mark, Luke, John and Chico. And I’m having the same problems with all of them, except, Chico. Chico’s open to the idea of JC and the Sunshine Band becoming the biggest rock band out of Nazareth, since, Nazareth. This could be the first book to come out with its own soundtrack.

Matthew: I don’t know.

Editor: I do. Listen to this: JC and the Sunshine Band go on tour, promoting their hit single: Stairway to Heaven. Then, Judas steals all their songs, starts up his own band, Judas Priest, selling his soul for rock and roll. This creates a vengeful rivalry, kinda like an East Coast-West Coast thing, with Jesus getting crucified by the media, then gunned down mysteriously outside a hotel in Las Vegas. Then we leave it open: is he dead? Isn’t he? Lots of room to play there.

Matthew: But that’s ridiculous.

Editor: Oh sure, and I’m sure readers are going to buy that whole walk on water, water into wine, zombie returning from the dead stuff you’ve got.

Matthew: Jesus wasn’t a zombie!

Editor: Well, it’d be better if he was. Or a vampire. You’ve already got him drinking blood at the Final Brunch…

Matthew: It’s the Last Supper, and he’s not drinking blood, it’s wine, that he’s-

Editor: Right, good, let’s get deeper into J.C.’s alcohol demons. First he’s turning water into wine, till he totally loses control and starts turning everything into wine: rocks, trees, slow moving birds, babies, drinks down an entire leper colony.

Matthew: I don’t think you’re the right editor for my book.

Editor: I’m the only editor in town.

(Matthew picks up manuscript and walks out.)

Editor: You’re making a big mistake!

(The Editor’s secretary enters.)

Secretary: Mr. Lipshitz, a Chico the Apostle is here to see you.

Editor: Send him right in.