I plan to write about my experience with going on prescription anxiety and depression medication. Tomorrow I go to the doctors where I will be given a scrawled piece of paper which entitles me to Zoloft. This is because for the past month I have developed anxiety which is strong enough to physically manifest its symptoms. Whenever I go out in public I become dizzy, light-headed, my vision becomes unfocused and I have strong dissociative feelings. It’s the worst fucking experience in the world, it feels like at any time I could faint or completely lose control of my physical functionality.

Last week my doctor prescribed the medication, and I refused out of pride and foolish optimism that the man I used to be would suddenly reawaken and reclaim sovereignty over my body. It didn’t work, today throughout 2 hours in public transit and another hour filling out paperwork for a prospective job I was railed with anxiety, with the illness. I made it home, the relief washed over me almost immediately after walking through the door frame.

It hit me that medication was imminent, it was impossible for me to function as a human being in my current state of mind with my current infliction. This realization is extremely depressing for me. I was once a popular person, a star athlete, heralded academic and a boisterous and outrageous party-goer. In my family of three children I was “Ender the Third”(look it up, read the book) Now I am shell of that, out of shape, apathetic towards school and I have let what was once a massive group of friends dwindle to nothing. Over a year ago my best friend left to teach in China, he is the only friend I have ever had whom I would expect to actively try and maintain our friendship. He is due back soon and it brings me to tears to acknowledge the reality of our first conversaion. He will ask if I want to spend time together, maybe have a few drinks or smoke a joint, then I will have to tell him “sorry friend I have severe anxiety, basically I feel extremely ill in all social situations and in my current state I don’t feel comfortable being around people. My life is over dawg.”

So here I am, a completely failed person. I built what could have been the foundation for a wonderful life. Then five years shrouded with marijuana smoke, binge drinking and a relationship which tore me to shreds later, I am a social hermit so recluse that I now require medication just to participate in public space.