I don’t know if I have ever been more upset in my life than I was last night. I was watching Riverdale, I paused Riverdale and then when I started it back up it did not start in the same place and DID NOT TAPE. I was thirty minutes in and had to wait until today so I could stream it like some plebeian.

If my anger comes across, just know it’s directed towards Comcast…and the terrible acting.

We start with annoying an annoying narration by Jughead and I have to say that he has gotten very annoying this season and it’s only episode two. Pop’s has been vandalized by some-not-so-creative-loser who could only come up with “DEATH DINER” to spray paint on the side. An upset Pop is inside, crying to Jughead about who would destroy his chocolate shop.

I was so confused when I first heard him say chocolate shop, because this is a diner and 99% of the food that comes out of it is fast food, but then the Riverdale fandom informed me that it’s a “chock’lit shoppe”….

After further research the spelling of this weird diner/ crime scene is of no importance so I’m going to move on and try not to make something out of nothing, but if there is a reason it’s spelled like that PLEASE let me know.

Across town, Archie is burning toast so badly that his father will most likely have cancer by the end of the season…if he makes it that long. He’s also chugging off brand Red Bulls because the CW still hasn’t gotten any licensing on this show and Fred was concerned enough that I rewound just to make sure he wasn’t chugging a beer.

Before we can check in with Fred though, Archie gets a phone call from the Sheriff, but it’s actually not the Sheriff, just a deputy. Once again, Sheriff Kelley is being lazy AF.

Back at Hotel de Loco, Smithers is trying to get Veronica to sneak out the back door to avoid her father, but guess who overheard him….

Not good. Veronica makes some passive aggressive comments about not wanting to be friends with her daddy (gag) and before I can take her side she has to make some random comment saying “as the New York Times cartoon said”….

I blacked out after that from pure anger and confusion. Obviously the New York Times was cool with the licensing of their name, but I’m not cool with Veronica’s shitty one liners. I need to know if she’s supposed to be this big of a loser or if the writers just give all the good lines to Cheryl.



At school (I guess Jughead ditched that Southside high and I missed it), Betty is concerned about the diner and won’t shut up about it. Dear Betty, Archie is sitting right there and while you may have found memories of this place, he does not so kindly shut your trap.



My plea goes unanswered though and Betty asks for everyone’s help to save the diner. She literally says “some pyscho with a gun isn’t going to keep me away”….

While these idiots think nothing of Betty’s insane statement, Jughead says he really doesn’t have time for anymore crusades right now, what with his father in prison and Archie is obvi a no go so that just leaves Veronica to help. Her motives are purely to avoid her father, but Betty doesn’t care since she’s desperado.

The next day, Busy Betty is stalking Archie while calling Jughead to go ambush the mayor. It seems Betty has noticed that Archie isn’t sleeping in his bed and calls Ronnie to make sure she thinks her BF is cheating.

Luckily, Veronica doesn’t run off with the idea of Archie sleeping with another teacher like I would and instead talks to him about getting help. When she lived in New York, she saw someone so it probs will work for him. I think I’m going to start counting how many times she starts a conversation with “when I was in New York”.

Back at the mayor’s office, Jughead is asking Riverdale’s queen of corruption to plea for leniency on behalf of his father while Betty is still bitching about Pop’s.

Shockingly, the mayor isn’t going to help either of them which prompts the newest and littlest Serpent to threaten her which is a brilliant idea. I know 99% of the parents in this town suck, but does no one respect authority around here?

Back at school, there are two kids I have never seen casually chatting about drugs in the hallway. I don’t know why I’m surprised, there’s a killer on the loose and none of the adults care, why would a teacher care about some casual drug dealing During their powwow Jane Doe asks John Doe for some “jingle jangle”….

I’m done. Jingle jangle??? Is this a joke? Sadly, it isn’t a joke, and neither is her name, Midge. Midge is trying to buy jingle jangle for she and her boyfriend, Moose.

Thankfully we move on to across the hall where Archie is trying to take Veronica’s advice and see the school counselor. John Doe, who turns out to be Reggie, not 13 Reason Why Reggie that I had fallen in love with, but a newly casted Reggie, is a drug dealer and is going to help Archie out. So, instead of Archie getting professional help, he asks the drug dealer for some uppers.

The Vixen’s have practice tonight and Cheryl has a new memeber to add to the team, Josie (minus the Pussycats)! It seems Cheryl has taken back her spot as captain of the Vixen’s, not surprising at all since Veronica hasn’t mentioned the Vixen’s since she acquired them. Betty, realizing Ronnie is not in charge, ask Cheryl if the Vixen’s could perform at Pop’s Retro Night Party she’s so obsessed with and, shocker, the answer is no.

Jughead is not handling the news of his father possibly getting sentenced to 20 years well…did I forget to mention that? Probably because it was some of Jughead’s worst acting moments yet. But, anywho, he goes and asks the Willie Nelson wannabe Serpent to help bust his dad out of jail because of it.

Instead, his Serpent godfather tells him to go talk to a “snake handler”.

The snake handler happens to be Penny Peabody, who is a Serpent turned attorney. She might be the most genius person ever to realize that the Serpents would need an attorney forever and she could make some money. She tells Jughead that he needs to get the Blossoms to show leniency, that’s her big advice and thank god she doesn’t charge for it because that’s the most obvious thing I’ve ever heard.

Jughead and Betty head out to visit the Blossoms in their new cottage, Thistle House and obvi they say no to the idea of being nice to the man who, while he did not kill Jason, he did help get rid of his body.

At school, it’s time to tell the kiddos that Miss Grundy was murdered. Principal Weatherbee is either going room to room as opposed to using the loud speaker or he knows that Archie is going to lose his shit and wants a front seat. Archie does, but what I find interesting is that none of the other little boys run out too. You know she was creeping on more than just Archie.

Betty and Archie ask Alice Cooper (former south sider let’s not forget) to help find out what happened to Grundy and after some sleuthing paying people off she discovers she was murdered with a cello bow.

She also said it was a “crime of passion”. How the hell would you know?? Seriously, these people’s imaginations run rampant up in Riverdale, they have to get it together. Alice Cooper also lets us know that Pop’s is being sold to an anonymous buyer…wonder who that could be.



Yeah, can’t fool me, biatch.

Betty races to Pop’s to devise a plan, tells Pop not to sign any papers and then races right out of Pop’s. I don’t care what her plan is, what grown man would listening to a 16-year-old for business advice? Dark Betty, though not dressing in black, goes to threaten Cheryl, saying if she doesn’t ask for leniency for FP Jones then she will release the tape of Cheryl’s father killing Jason and make it an internet sensation.

First, woah. Second, internet sensation? This isn’t some dancing cat, it’s a man murdering his kid. But it works and Cheryl agrees…and then Betty says she also has to have the River Vixen’s help Pop’s.

But Cheryl does Betty’s bidding at takes it one step further and lies under oath, so here’s hoping it was worth it. Probs not, but best of luck.

Veronica is on a mission back home, accusing her parents of “anonymously” buying Pop’s, which they deny. Veronica also accuses her father of shooting Fred Andrews and shows her mom the letter “daddy” sent threatening Hermoine’s life. But, blindside, Hermoine wrote the letter pretending to be Hiram and threatened her life. Yeah, Hermoine, and Ronnie’s a virgin.

Archie is stressing about a murderer on the lose and unfortunately, Sheriff Keller still isn’t super helpful and tells Archie that he’s crazy for thinking it has to do with him. At home, Reggie thinks it’d be funny to dress like the murderer in the mask that Archie has mad fliers about because someone will for sure recognize a faceless man. Reggie decides that, after being attacked by Archie, that he doesn’t need uppers at all.

It’s FINALLY Retro Night and the diner is dead (no pun intended) and Betty is seconds away from having a Betty breakdown. She then forces the Pussycats to perform and since they are short a member for the MILLIONTH time, Cheryl steps in because I guess she can sing too. But if I’m being honest, I’m totally going to download that cover of “Milkshake”.

Archie attends the event trying to keep open the place where his father was killed, probs because Veronica pressured him. I’d hope that she knows him well enough to realize he is not in a good place, but she also had sex with him while we washed his father’s blood off himself, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

Alice Cooper, some Serpents, the Lodge’s, and Moose and Midge all show up to support Pop and the Lodge’s even make a generous donation aka they buy the place and pretend to be generous. Also, Pop’s goes out of his way to thank Nancy Drew Betty, but doesn’t to a quick shout out or prayer for Fred Andrews?

Reggie passes of some jingle jangle to Moose and Midge which I don’t care about at all and Archie gets a gun from Dilton Doiley because that’s what he needs right now. Veronica forgives her parents only to come home to a new, albeit hot, doorman meaning her dad probably killed Smithers.

Cheryl has the video of her father killing Jason now and decides that forcing her mother to watch it will bring her closure.

Back in the woods, Moose and Midge take their jingle jangle which appears to come in the form of Pixie Stixs and then get super horny. I’m not sure if that’s a side effect or they are just hormonal teens, but it distracts them long enough to get murdered.

I mean, I kind of care and I really feel bad for the actors in this who just got cast only to be killed, but another murder? And killed by who? Betty Cooper’s dad? A Serpent? Miss Grundy’s ex? Or….Smithers?

I also don’t know who we are going to have left if someone gets murdered at the end of every episode. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to put a hit on, but as they are main characters and this is not Game of Thrones, I’m not going to get my hopes up.

Until next time, my little chock’lits.

PS: WHERE THE EFF IS POLLY COOPER AND HER BABY BUMP??