BROOKLYN, NY — With the weather finally warming up after a brutally long winter, the citizens of all five boroughs are heading out in droves to soak up the sun. One Brooklyn resident, however, has decided to skip the crowds and stay inside. “I’m so happy it’s nice out today. I really and truly mean that. This awful weather’s had me just as depressed as everyone else, and all I’ve wanted is one nice, warm, sunny day. But it’s been such a long week and the idea of going outside today is just like ugh, you know?”

Says one local, “No, I don’t know. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment for the last five fucking months and now it’s like finally! A nice day! I mean, this is the first warm Saturday of the year — the whole city’s out getting fucked up!”

“That’s exactly the problem,” says the woman. “Everyone’s going to be out today so every restaurant and bar is going to be so crowded, the parks will be mobbed. Oh god — on days like today Prospect Park is always as crowded as a beach, which to be honest I find so depressing. Because like, it’s not the beach. I just don’t want to deal with any of that. Plus, I’ve barely left my apartment in months but I still haven’t made it through my winter TV. I haven’t finished the first season of Westworld, so it’s not like anyone out there in the world is going to want to hang out with me anyway.”

We spoke to one of the woman’s closest friends, who agreed. “She still hasn’t caught up on Westworld? What has she been doing the last six months? Watching HGTV or some bullshit like that?”

“Mostly Vanderpump Rules,” says the woman. “Everyone said it’s worth going all the way back to the beginning, so I did, and yeah — it’s totally been worth it.”

When asked if she was invited to do anything today, the woman said, “Honestly, I haven’t looked at my phone. My friend Christine mentioned maybe doing something last night, but I didn’t want to so I just decided not to respond. Whoops!” What if she gets mad? “I’ll just pretend I was in the hospital again or whatever.” Pretend again or be in the hospital again, we asked. “Pretend. I’ve never actually been in the hospital.”

“I can’t believe her,” says another friend. “No one, and I mean no one has been complaining about the weather as much as her. She’s been whining about it for like seven months! Now it’s finally nice out and she won’t even step foot outside. It’s so fucking annoying.”

While everyone else in New York is expected to be out today, whether they’re gathering with friends in the park or just wandering the streets, enjoying the sun, the woman plans to, “Probably just like, get super high, order food and watch Barry?” What about Westworld, we asked. “Oh yeah…maybe I’ll watch that. I don’t know, it just kind of feels like work.”

Of course, this weekend is just the beginning of the spring season in the Northeast, so the woman will (theoretically) have plenty of chances to get out and enjoy the sunshine. “No like, I’ll definitely go out next weekend if it’s nice. I’ve been dying for warm weather! I’m in such a better mood today than I have been in months, and it’s all because I felt that nice, spring breeze through my window. So like, I’ll definitely get out and enjoy the weather soon. Probably. I mean, if I feel like it. Work’s been really stressful. Honestly, I think seeing it’s nice out through your window can be enough to put you in a good mood. Or me, anyway. I mean, I am enjoying the weather — I’m just doing it from the comfort and safety of my own apartment.”

Says one Brooklyn resident found looking for space to put down his blanket in Prospect Park, “Wow, that’s a really good idea. It’s so crazy here, I like, can’t handle it. I might just go home, open a window, breathe in some fresh air and fucking chill.”

“That actually sounds great,” says his girlfriend. “Let’s get the fuck out of this beautiful weather and go hide, honey.”