WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately gauge American opinions on what the CEO is even doing with his life, depressed Gallup chairman Jim Clifton released a poll Monday asking a random sampling of 6,500 residents of all 50 states and the District of Columbia if anyone even cared whether he lives or dies. “Would you be likely, somewhat likely, or unlikely to cry upon learning that Gallup chief executive Jim Clifton died? If you did cry for Jim, would you cry a great deal, somewhat, or not very much at all?” read the poll, which was evidently written by Clifton himself, in part, ultimately attempting to ascertain whether citizens would be happy, sad, or indifferent if the 67-year-old businessman had never been born. “In your opinion, has Jim Clifton even done anything meaningful with his life? Like, truly meaningful? Do you feel that Jim Clifton made a significant impact on the world, no impact on the world, or would you say nothing he has done ever mattered, that nothing anyone does matters, that life is just one big, cruel joke and nothing, in fact, matters, and that Jim Clifton may as well just die already? Is it a goddamn waste of time to think otherwise? And would you say it’s all fucking pointless or that it’s most likely all fucking pointless?” Clifton, who offered no comment, has since released poll results demonstrating that opinions of him have reached their lowest point since 1981.

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