I haven’t written for a while. The energies have been really intense since the new year began. I have been quite reclusive, as I continue to do my shadow work, and continue to use The Courage To Heal as a tool to work on healing the wounds of my childhood sexual abuse. While doing a guided meditation from my The Courage To Heal audiobook, I had a body memory come up. It was very intense. I felt a tightness and pain in my abdomen, felt nauseous, my throat was tight, and I had a pain in my head as well. Then I started to cough and choke and it wouldn’t stop, so I turned the guided meditation off, and decided to do a breathing meditation to return to a calm state. I will be going for a Quantum Touch session with a very powerful healer and friend of mine, Nancy-Jane Browman , to assist with retrieval of traumatic memories, so that I can go deeper into my healing.

I got badly triggered by my twin flame on Valentine’s Day. After everything had passed, I realized that I have been manifesting my beliefs, and that I had sabotaged Valentine’s Day this year by allowing those beliefs to become manifest.

I began to dread Valentine’s two weeks before it arrived. When my twin mentioned Valentine’s Day, I told him that I was dreading Valentine’s because I hated holidays since I met him. He said we should go bowling on Valentine’s Day then. I didn’t respond.

Narcissism and codependency are two of the templates my twin and I are here to place into healing on our journey. Taking too much and giving too much are another couple of templates we have. Holidays bring these templates to the forefront for me. In the past, my twin flame would visit other women on Valentine’s day and/or prioritize them, and some years I didn’t see him at all on Valentine’s Day. He has always been cheap with me, buying me a card and gift from Dollarama, while asking for expensive gifts for himself and expecting that I should take him out and pay for dinner on Valentine’s…just a tad narcissistic and taker-like 😉 I would always end up disappointed…and angry at him and angry at myself, because I would go all out and be thoughtful and generous, and I felt unappreciated and not valued.

So, one of my “protectors”…a term coined in Internal Family Systems (IFS) came to the forefront about a week before Valentine’s Day and pushed my twin flame away, so as to protect me from getting hurt once again. The protector started with telling me that my twin was exhibiting a pattern that resembled the past when he was having sex with other women. I started to feel angry, and so when my twin said he would see me later on that Saturday before Valentine’s, I said I was tired, and it would be better to get together the next day. When he called to talk to me, I was distant, and then said we’d see how I felt Sunday. I continued to be distant. Valentine’s Day came, and I was feeling very ambivalent. Part of me wanted to see him, and hoped he had something special planned for me, and another part believed that he would let me down like he had in the past. My protector was telling me that my twin didn’t have anything planned, and that he was probably going to see another woman before seeing me, just like in previous years. When I finally did talk to my twin after work on Valentine’s, he said he didn’t know if I would want to see him, and that he had a card for me…not from Dollarama he pointed out, and asked if he could come by later. I asked him when he wanted to come by. He started to say he didn’t know, and that he was going to some stores first. Then I asked if he was going to eat with me. He said he would grab a bite to eat on his own. At that point, I was full blown triggered. In past years, he had eaten Valentine’s dinner with another woman, and then showed up later in the evening at my place with some stuff from Dollarama as my gift, and quickly fell asleep. I told him to never mind, and that I didn’t want him to come over. We started to argue, and he hung up. I blasted him with numerous angry and rage-filled texts. He stayed silent for a little bit, as I continued to blast him for being a coward and hiding behind his phone. He broke the silence and engaged. It was like two children slinging verbal mud at each other for a while, until something gave, and we were able to end the conversation with him asking what I wanted from him. I told him I wanted him to introduce me to his friends as his partner. I did not want to be excluded from other parts of his life anymore. He agreed that he would do that.

I did finally see him the day after Valentine’s. When I arrived at his place and saw all the snow removal work he had done, I realized that the missed phone calls and the time in between calling me back, were because of the work he was doing outside with the snowblower and clearing his roof. There was no way he had the time to be running around to women’s places, as I thought he had. When he let me in, I saw there was a giant card for me and a rose plant wrapped in purple and pink tissue in a big cellophane wrapping. I felt so bad for having blasted him and accused him the night before.

We had a very vulnerable talk that night about my childhood sexual abuse, and my angry part that comes out and pummels him when I get triggered. I shared and he asked questions…and I answered, even sharing things that had held a lot of shame for me for many years. This was the first time he didn’t try to dismiss this topic. In the past, he had shut me down by saying that I shouldn’t dwell on it…I should just get over it…after all, he had been abused by family friends as a child too, and he doesn’t talk about those things…that’s the past he says, not now. He even offered to do healing work on me by placing his hands on my abdomen, where I have been experiencing pain and issues. He was much more intimate than he has been, and it was nice. Something had shifted.

I realized after having watched Twinfinity’s latest YouTube video, that my twin flame and I both have insecurity wounds to heal…and that we both have trust wounds to heal as well.

I realize that I have been manifesting my beliefs that are based in fear with my twin. My protectors are hypersensitive at this point in time. At the first whiff of what looks like a pattern from the past, they sound the alarms, and come to the forefront. I then begin to act as though I am being betrayed, and push my twin away or attack him with wounding words. Once I am triggered, I am cruel and relentless with my texts.

I am continuing to do my shadow work and my healing work of my childhood sexual abuse. I realize this twin flame journey is not for the faint of heart. It is intense and relentless. It makes me want to scream and run away often, and then I realize how far I have come in my healing…and although, when I am triggered, I tell my twin I wish I could erase the last 6 six years, along with any memory of him…yes, as I previously stated, I am cruel when I am triggered…and then I recant to myself, because all of the healing I have done on myself in the last 6 years, is worth the pain. I am on a journey back to self, and it is an interesting and painful journey indeed!