Where did they come from? Why was it last year that, one by one, our mightiest citadels were stormed? From Walsall to Plymouth, from Sudbury to Loughborough a nation was afeared. And now the nightmare could return (with the caveat that the clowns have not in fact killed anyone. YET).

Which is the most compelling account of what we will refer to as the clownspiracy? Come, take my white-gloved hand, and let us find out.