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In September, I blogged about The Myth of Traditional Marriage, reviewing studies from Stephenie Coontz’ book Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage. As a follow up, I wanted to explore how we as Mormons can build stronger marriages.

The world is changing, and if we want to strengthen marriages, we need to deal with the reality that exists. A few things have drastically changed in the last fifty years. First of all, the wage gap between men and women has narrowed significantly, meaning that women no longer have the limited earning potential associated with discrimination and lack of higher education that was the norm through the 1970s. At the same time, and probably because of this, male breadwinner jobs (jobs that can support a financially dependent wife and several dependent children) are no longer the norm. Additionally, in a less recent change, children do not contribute financially to families as they did in agrarian society and even in urban society before views on child labor changed. Children are full dependents, creating an additional financial strain on family incomes, particularly with rising college tuition costs. Wages are no longer set with the assumption that one person will be the sole earner. In order to support growing middle class families, it is increasingly likely that a family needs two steady incomes, and most middle-class educated women can earn more money by working than they would spend on child care. [1]

Men and women have more choice than ever before; divorce is more accessible and more viable an option than in the past. People are living longer, enjoying fairly good health for decades longer than was true 150 years ago. Those who marry expect to find personal happiness and sexual fulfillment in their marriages. If they don’t, they can divorce and try their luck again. Marriage is more work than ever since the bar for expectations is the highest it has been, and the barriers to exit are at an all-time low. Artificially raising the barriers to exit by keeping women out of the workforce may sound like a winning strategy, but it is also a cynical and lazy strategy. Suppressing agency is never the right way.

What’s Working

Given these challenges, there are several things the church does very well to strengthen marriages. There is such a focus on how we treat other family members that individuals who owe child support or who have relationships “not in harmony with the gospel” are ineligible and unworthy to enter the temple. Although the Proclamation on the Family focuses on gender role separation, it also encourages individual adaptation as circumstances require. The church also does a terrific job on the whole of providing larger community support for families in terms of play groups, carpooling, and adult networking. While the needs of children often feel central to these efforts, the support provided also enables parents to have the support of other responsible parents.

Mormons have a consistent focus on making the home a haven, a respite from the cares of the working world. This view of domestic life originated in the Victorian era when the male breadwinner model first emerged. Beliefs surrounding the need to separate home and family from the economic struggle (men only) led to charging women with creating that haven in the home. The ideal of a place of refuge for the family is still one Mormons hold dear, one that helps strengthen marriages. Avoiding the excesses associated with alcohol use can also improve home life for those prone to substance abuse.

A recent study showed that regular church attendance is another way to strengthen marriages. Couples who regularly attend church together are 46% less likely to divorce than couples who never attend, and 56% less likely to divorce than those who sometimes attend. In a similar result, the more people who attended the wedding, the less likely the couple will divorce. If over 200 people attended, there is a 92% increased chance they will stay together. It’s this community support of the marriage that makes a marriage stronger, and Mormons do it well.

Another area of Mormon strength is frugality. Those who spend the least on their wedding are the least likely to divorce. Those who spent $20K or more on their wedding were 46% more likely to divorce. That amount sounds extravagant by Mormon standards, but the average cost of a wedding today is $30K. Couples who spent less than $1K on their wedding were 53% less likely to divorce than the reference point. That’s a big difference.

Our Blind Spots

Strengths overplayed can become weaknesses.

While gender role assumptions may work well for those who feel naturally inclined to divide labor in this manner, for those who don’t have those same interests, these assumptions feel stifling. Lack of communication can lead to disillusionment if spouses carry unexamined assumptions into a new marriage. Gender roles encourage entitlement between the sexes: women feeling entitled to a life of dependence and financial ease with a worthy priesthood holder, and men feeling entitled to a soothing home environment, being greeted by cheerful cherubs and a hot wife. This entitlement can lead to resentment when expectations are not met. Additionally, making hard-line assumptions about division of labor creates a lack of empathy when couples see their spouse as solely responsible for an area with no belief that they must support them and back them up. If communication is poor, feelings of entitlement and resentment can build up and ultimately lead to divorce.

Our focus on chastity protects singles from the difficulties of unwanted pregnancy or feeling objectified and used in uncommitted sexual relationships. And yet, our focus on chastity has a few unfortunate side effects: a tendency to marry quickly, to marry young, and to have unrealistic and ill-informed sexual expectations. From the aforementioned study, couples who dated for 3 or more years have the best chance for success in marriage, 39% less likely to divorce than those who married with less than a year together as a couple. There was no reference point short enough for the whirlwind courtships most Mormons had.

Mormons have been taught that any two “righteous” people could marry and do well, but that doesn’t mean we are great at judging our own abilities to weather storms or to assess prospective partners realistically. The shorter our courtships and the younger and less experienced we are at the time we are seeking a partner, the less likely we are to make choices we will want to live with for 60+ years. The study does show that caring too much about our partner’s wealth or looks leads to a greater likelihood of divorce. Mormons are probably as prone to this as anyone, despite our ideal of being able to make a go of it with anybody worthy.

Sexual expectations can be stilted when chastity is only taught from a male perspective. Often, women are still assumed to be uninterested in sex, or at least “good girls” are. Women who are told they must cover up or tempt men into losing control may fear sex and their own sexual power. Women are often taught to steer clear of anything sexual before marriage, but after marriage to go for broke. It’s unrealistic to give such stark on-off instructions. This isn’t a good recipe for sexual fulfillment. Even when taught by other women, girls are not given any sort of female role models when it comes to sexual attitudes. Curriculum is not helpful to women in developing healthy body image, a positive outlook on sex, or a useful approach to marital expectations and sexual communication. Perhaps a focus on communication, consent, and exploration within marriage would be more effective.[2]

To add to this, marrying before financial independence is viable, and then quickly adding the financial strain associated with children can contribute further to the difficulties associated with entitlement, expectations, and the need for communication and partnership. It’s hard to know how to support your partner when you feel disillusioned, overwhelmed and stressed out. The study showed that the more money a couple makes, the less likely they will divorce, and the likelihood of divorce gets lower and lower the more money they make. While bargain hunting and coupon clipping will help even this out, it’s no substitute for a little extra green in the wallet.

Fortunately, our Mormon communities offer a lot of support to new parents, including financial support, even when they don’t live near family. We probably should do a better job teaching couples to communicate and relate to one another as equal partners. We mention individual adaptation in passing, as a fall back if the ideal doesn’t work out, but we forget that our own marriages have been an ongoing negotiation. Teaching communication skills rather than just gender roles creates a better investment in marriage.

How to Improve

Here are a few more things we could do today to create stronger LDS marriages:

Divine modeling. Let’s start talking about Heavenly Parents. We can’t continually reinforce the notion that the family is eternal while only mentioning Heavenly Father. Either we believe the family is an eternal model or we don’t. What better example could there be than two divine parents working together in partnership? [3]

Better sex. Honestly, I can’t imagine what the church could do in this realm that doesn’t give me the skeevies. [4] Mostly, they should just quit doing things that hurt married sex. The roots of the 1950s model of “traditional” marriage include the puritanical belief that a gentleman would never inflict his disgusting sexual desires on a pure-hearted woman, and a pure-hearted woman finds sex distasteful. Victorian ladies were admonished to “lie back and think of England.” Sex was seen as an unpleasant marital duty, like cleaning the toilet. [5] Given this mindset, there’s a reason that studies show atheists are having the best sex; they aren’t tied up in knots about it. [6]

Economic & domestic partnership, rather than living completely separate lives. The male breadwinner model was built on the idea that the home should become a respite from the cares of the workaday world. The home can still be made a haven if both spouses decide that is what they want to build in partnership. [7] Spouses can also partner in all financial and parenting decisions. Spouses can provide support on bad days, regardless of whether they are at work, at home, or elsewhere. Given the economic reality of our day, it’s time to drop our assumptions about who does what. There should be no “off limits” tasks for either spouse in marriage. There should never be big decisions, like moving or having kids, without both spouses agreeing. There needs to be less pressure on men to financially support a dependent wife and large number of children in our evolving economy. And equally so, there needs to be less pressure on women to be able to emotionally support a large number of children and endless hours of domestic work without adult contact unless that’s their choice and the family can afford it.

Both men and women need to be fully responsible for their family’s financial stability and also fully responsible to make sure their children are nurtured. Nobody gets a pass, no matter how the couple chooses to divide labor. It’s time to stop perpetuating stereotypes like “men earn it and wives spend it.” Open communication on these issues creates better long-term planning, more responsible decision making, better communication, and more empathy. It also helps to ensure that families are strong even when adversity hits: lost jobs, mental or physical illness, or death of a spouse. Having more choice may sound like divorce is more likely, but creating happier families requires both spouses to choose to be in the marriage. Lack of choice leads to resentment. Do we want to avoid divorce so much that we will settle for resentful marriages? [8]

Mission Age Change. The change to mission age that has caused so many more women to serve than ever before is probably one of the best things that could happen to marriage. More women serving means that women will have more spiritual self-reliance and confidence, and that men will have more respect for them and learn how to work with women, not to see women as existing in a wholly separate sphere. These skills are important within a marriage, and will increasingly become the norm. A recent article already refers to the expectation that women will serve now that the age has been lowered. [9]

What are your ideas to strengthen marriage in our changing economy? What do you think are the key strengths to the current approach the church takes?

Discuss.

[1] True for all but the poorest 25% of families and the highest-earning 5% (in which wives contribute through social connections and hostessing).

[2] In Indian culture, where arranged marriages prevail, henna tattoos are used to help break down sexual barriers. The bride’s hands and arms are tattooed with henna (it lasts about ten days), and the groom’s name is hidden in the flowery scrolls. On the wedding night, the groom tries to find his name in the designs, and this creates a slower and more exploratory approach to intimacy with less pressure on both spouses to perform.

[3] I recognize that some of our detractors will use this as an excuse to insult us as polytheistic, but there are many out there who find the idea of a heavenly mother appealing and obvious. There’s more to gain than to lose on this one.

[4] not an actual STD.

[5] rather a lot like it.

[6] except the BDSMs.

[7] Gags for the children might help, too.

[8] Personally, no. YMMV.

[9] Don’t get me wrong. The guy who wrote that steaming pile is clearly a misogynist, but it’s an interesting cultural shift to note.