According to the Salt Lake Tribune article “LDS Church publishes new handbook with changes to discipline, transgender policy” published today, the church has doubled down on the idea that “gender is an essential characteristic of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. The intended meaning of gender in the family proclamation is biological sex at birth.” The handbook says “Some people experience feelings of incongruence between their biological sex and their gender identity. As a result, they may identify as transgender.”

The executive director of the Correlation Department, Anthony D. Perkins (General Authority of a Quorum of the Seventy, not the actor from Psycho) explained that the church has received lots of questions from bishops and stake presidents wanting to know what transgender members can do within the church. He wanted to clarify that transgender members and investigators are “welcome to attend our meetings and that we should create a warm, welcoming environment” where they will then be graciously denied saving ordinances to return to their Heavenly Father. He also clarifies that roles in the church are specific to whether or not you were born with a penis between your legs. Because as we all know, leadership skills cannot be taught or developed — they are formed in the testes of male sex organs (but only if you had them at the time you slithered out of your mother’s leaderless vagina).

Members who elect medical or surgical intervention to transition to the “opposite gender” or who “socially transition” — dress as the gender they identify as or change their names or pronouns — “will experience some church membership restrictions.” Perkins explains that “membership restrictions” is the new name for disfellowship. Which obviously means that disfellowshipment has gone to the temple and performed its own ordinances if it has received a new name. How exciting! And as always, if local leadership finds out that you’re gay or transgender, they’ll make an annotation in your membership record that will follow you around the rest of your life alerting all new leaders that you’re not to be trusted completely and are different from the rest of the cookie cutter members of the congregation.

He goes on to explain regarding excommunication, that “the feeling of the First Presidency and the Twelve and members who we did research with felt that that was a particularly harsh term. And so that term is replaced by the phrase ‘withdrawal of church membership.’” Interesting that the First Presidency and Twelve counselled with members on this monumental decision that changes the terms used since the beginning of the church. Why did they ask members their thoughts on the term that Jesus gave to Joseph Smith? If Joseph Smith used the wrong word, surely God would have corrected that error from the beginning. But apparently the members don’t like it, so the prophet updated it. I thought the prophet was supposed to seek guidance through holy communion with the Grand Poobah Elohim The Kolobian and follow His lead, but I guess I misunderstood the role of prophets after three worthless decades in the so-called church.

Disciplinary councils will also receive their endowments and new name. They will now be referred to as “membership councils”. How friendly! “Hi brother Jones, we’re just here today to counsel with you on your membership. You can’t have the saving ordinances of the gospel that allow you to return to Kolob with your family forever. Sorry! Jesus’ rules, not mine. Your membership status is in removal. But welcome to our ward! Do you feel welcomed? We’re so friendly! Just a few other things though, you can’t answer questions in Sunday School, pray publicly, eat the bread crumbs or drink the shot of water, have a calling like everyone else, or go on our super duper fun temple nights where we see who the most faithful in the ward are. But you can pay tithing and fast offerings! I know you won’t feel like you’re getting to participate equally and others will notice and wonder why you haven’t beaten your obvious porn addiction (no pun intended!) but judge not lest ye be judged, right? Anyway, so glad to see you and your family here today! Will you be able to make it to the ice cream social after?”

The new handbook also notes that everyone, regardless of gender or church assignment is exercising delegated priesthood authority when they are given formal service opportunities in the ward or stake. So it doesn’t matter that you weren’t set apart and given the Holy Priesthood After The Order of the Son of God, you’re still kinda sorta in the participating. It’s like saying, okay, those born with a penis are playing baseball. No women though (unless they were born with a penis). All people born with a vagina will be allowed into the ballpark. They can even sell hot dogs. And with every boiled weiner they serve they are welcome to dream of playing baseball on the field, but they sure as hell cannot set foot on that hallowed ground. So stop whining that you’re not invited to play, they’re allowing you to participate, so that should be enough.

Also included in this update is underscoring the important God-given revelation that no one should be using the term “Mormon” or “LDS” at this point. For reals, brethern and sisterern. How many times do they have to say it?

And furthermore, Mr. Russell Nelson doesn’t want you looking at the previous handbooks to see how schizophrenic the revelatory process has been over the last two hundred years to get to this perfect manual that will be preserved in stone on the world wide web. Those earlier handbooks you may have lying about the ward library or pervert bishop’s office that was just released for touching the least of these? They are, “obsolete and should be discarded.”

Previously, one handbook was available to rank and file members while the other was for bishop and stake president’s eyes only. But that darn internet! It made it so that apostate leaders could upload it for the whole world to see that the church has more rules and bureaucracy than the hypocritical pharisees that Jesus denounced in his day. So to save face, since it will be available to everyone anyway, the prophet and apostles “feel there is value in allowing those who are not members to be able to see how the Church of Jesus Christ operates in the latter days”.

Nine chapters are completely rewritten. Others have been updated. 80% of the previous content was reorganized and preserved. 29 chapters of the 38 total chapters will be revised over the next two years.

Anthony Perkins puts his apologist spin on all these changes by saying, “If you look at the evolution of the handbook over the last hundred years, it’s been evolving from administrative procedures to a more ministerial voice…and that means that the church is true and living. It can change.”

This is the same manual that said in 2015 gay people will be shot on site, metaphorically. That they would receive church discipline for getting married and having sex within the confines of holy matrimony. The same manual that a mere three years later said, “never mind, God fouled up on that one. He meant don’t go out of your way to bother them, they’ll leave on their own if we just keep beating the drum of heterosexual couples will be saved in eternal glory and all else will serve them as ministering angels or live separated from God forever.”

The best part about keeping the most up-to-date manual on the internet now? When a small change happens that throws those nasty apostates into a furor, the church can easily #GaslightTheWorld by pointing at the new policy and saying, “but the church’s stance is…” and a million doting sycophants will defend them on Facebook.

Last of all, the church also clarifies in the updated manual that, “The church does not take a position on the causes of people identifying themselves as transgender.” God hasn’t revealed that to them yet. Luckily, He revealed previously that homosexuality was not a choice that god’s precious children make for themselves. But He’s still teasing the Q15 on what transgender people are all about. Line upon line, precept upon precept. God loves to keep his chosen people guessing.