I Love You Because… “You don’t give up on me. You are compassionate, understanding, and patient with my weaknesses. Great kisser!”

My husband wrote these words while we were in the midst of a fight. I’d just stormed out of our bedroom, sure if either of us kept speaking, the words would not be kind.

My instincts tell me kindness should be easiest to harness when among those closest to you, especially a partner you love so much you’ve chosen to share your life with them.

But in truth, sometimes our least kind moments, the ones we regret — sometimes immediately, sometimes only after calming down, or suffering consequences — happen with the people who mean the most to us.

Downstairs, I washed my face and stretched my body, tactics to move past feelings of fight-or-flight and towards love and understanding.

Meanwhile, my husband calmed himself and wrote these kind words on our I Love You board.

My husband’s words, on our I Love You board. (Photo Credit: Author)

Our I Love You board was a wedding gift. It’s a simple picture frame, with — instead of a photo — a piece of paper that says, “I Love You, Because…” then space to write reasons on the glass. We use dry-erase markers, which wipe away easily, so we can change the message whenever we want.

Our bedroom is purposefully sparse, but our I Love You board holds a space on honor on our only shelf.

My husband and I take turns writing love notes on our I Love You board, affirmations to each other. We celebrate each other’s successes, use the board as an excuse to notice each other — really notice each other — the reasons we fell in love, and all the new reasons we keep discovering.

Sometimes a message will stay up for weeks. But, honestly, those are the times love feels easy, the times we don’t need help communicating.

“When I observe happy couples in my study and therapy practice, they all share one trait: They give each other affective affirmation on a regular basis.”

When a fight happens, we quickly return to the board, to reconnect to why we love each other.

Sometimes — like when you’re suffering from post-partum depression — it feels almost impossible to think of even one loving thing to write. Those times are when we most need to take a breath, change our focus, and come home to love.

I Love You, Because… “you are an amazing father!” was something I discovered I felt and could write, when things were at their worst. I couldn’t feel love lines connecting him to me, but through our baby — who both of us would do anything for — I saw the connection, the love, something to hold onto.

I couldn’t say it out loud, but I could leave the words there for him to discover.

Affective affirmation — letting your partner know they’re “noticed, appreciated, respected, loved, or desired” — is even more important for men to receive, according to Dr. Terri Orbuch’s three-decade-long NIH-funded marriage study. This is because women are much more likely to receive simple daily affirmations from people besides their partners, but our culture doesn’t usually compliment men the same way.

Dr. Orbuch, who seriously goes by the registered trademark The Love Doctor®, wrote, “When I observe happy couples in my study and therapy practice, they all share one trait: They give each other affective affirmation on a regular basis.”

“Such a dedicated writer and I loved the “Should I Become a Parent” article ❤ (words by my husband, photo by author)

I have these photos, of words he’s written, because, when I first read them, I felt the love so deeply I needed to capture it, lest the love would slip away again, out of reach.

It’s important that an I Love You board be wipeable, not stagnant. But sometimes I want to hold on to an affirmation, revisit it.

“You don’t give up on me.”

That’s the one I keep coming back to, when things feel the hardest.

“You are compassionate, understanding, and patient with my weaknesses.”

These words on the board were the only admission of his weaknesses, the only acknowledgment of my patience.

“Great kisser!”

These simple words are the spark, the reminder that the fire never fully went out.