In an odd, sad, and strange ceremony held to mark 30 years since David Hasselhoff sang the Berlin Wall down, US President Donald Trump today unveiled his warning to those who would endlessly try to divide people into groups: 8 new kinds of dividers.

“These walls are the best walls people,” the president said, as he gestured toward the latest experimental batch of people barriers, squinting in the unblinking eye of a coming history that will make our current mockery of this man look like the gentle stroking of a mother saying good night to her violently insane child.

“I’ve had doors come up to me saying they wished they were these walls. Immigrants, veterans, women, Coloradans, everyone tells me all the time how much they love my walls.”

While many questioned the logic of marking the fall of one of the most notorious – and ill-fated – walls in human history with a roll-out of 8 new variations of ways to force people to use angle-grinders, bolt cutters, or airplanes to get where they want to go; Trump was unswayed.

“If I were German, and I am – more than Merkel let tell you – we wouldn’t be celebrating today,” the POTUS continued, as the sun rose high over the odd spectacle of people standing in the middle of an unbroken landmass, trying to arbitrarily divvy it up with a delicate tracery of barriers a few feet high.

“If I were German,” the embanker-in-chief repeated, “There’d still be a North and South Germany, let tell you. That might not be politically correct to say, it might not even be geologically correct, I don’t know, but my wall – the one I have yet to get up – would not come down. No way.”

The United States wasn’t alone in its decision to mark the fall of one infamous barricade with plans to erect yet more of them. In Hungary Prime Minister Victor Orban held a press conference from inside a roll of chain link fencing, while in Israel an entire family of Palestinians were shot for giving a dirty look to a wall that had been been built overnight directly through the middle of their kitchen.

And in the United Kingdom Boris Johnson used the cover of the ceremonies celebrating Berlin’s big day in 1989, to try to slide a 500km-long plexiglass divider covered in rainbow stickers between the two Irelands while no one was looking.

But as usual, due to time zones and his being a human storm drain of uncooked ideas, Trump got the last word.

“So to the Germans I would say, congrats, well done, glad you’re happy. But,” he said, shifting in a pair of shiny shoes that have not known a single hard inch, much less the sacrifices of people who traverse large continents in search of small comfort.

“My wall wouldn’t have fallen. There’d still be two of you. And I’d have made communism pay for it.”