Our View: vote Conservative, because reasons

BONUS COLUMN by the Bay Street media consortium that secretly owns Prairie Dog

The Bay Street media consortium that secretly owns Prairie Dog is alarmed by this newspaper’s radical political stances. Due to the likelihood its writers will continue to express childish hostility towards Stephen Harper’s Conservatives, we’ve confiscated this space to give Prairie Dog readers a much needed alternative viewpoint — our own reasoned and sober endorsement for this month’s federal election. Please review it and vote accordingly.

Ahem, hurrm hurm.

We are nearing the end of an unremarkable and disappointing election campaign, marked by petty scandals, policy silences and a dearth of serious debate. Canadians deserved better. Even you Saskatchewanians deserved better.

Throughout the campaign, biased reporters have focused on petty Conservative scandals. Friends, do not be distracted by the distortions of left-wing journalists. Candidates who piss in coffee cups, harass women and mock the disabled, suggest homosexuality is a psychological disorder, or, hypothetically, strangle and consume the homeless are NOT matters that serious-minded voters fuss over.

Also not worth your attention: the cretins who call Conservative candidates “cowards” for skipping public debates; and the slanderers who say the Conservatives are fear-mongering racists stoking anti-Muslim sentiments for electoral gain. Such views are merely “sour grapes” by losers who support failing political parties. Ignore these grapes.

Here is what is important: you must elect a majority government led by Stephen Harper. Only the Conservatives have the courage to make the changes Bay Street demands: rolling back public health care, privatizing Canada Post, ignoring so-called climate change, destroying the pesky CBC, spying on Canadians who don’t like us (and criminalizing their dissent), auditing pinko charities, keeping marijuana illegal in the face of all facts and reason and giving zero fucks about missing and murdered aboriginal women.

Most importantly, Conservatives will teach the world Canadians are no longer a nation of bleeding-heart pussies. In Stephen Harper’s Canada, markets talk and hippy bullshit walks.

Canada needs steady leadership in the years ahead. If Mr. Harper does not receive his majority, we could end up with a government led by socialists who think you little people deserve affordable drugs and child care — and worse, one that might raise taxes on us multi-millionaires and billionaires to pay for it.

That is not the Canada we want, which is why Prairie Dog readers must do what they’re told on Oct. 19 and vote Conservative. It is the only way to guarantee a strong Canada, proud and free — from trouble-making teachers, scientists, civil servants, veterans, artists, journalists, potheads, youth, women, aboriginals, Muslims, immigrants and everyone else in our way.

The Bay Street media consortium that secretly owns Prairie Dog just cannot fathom why so many of you idiots still don’t “get it”.

2015-10-15