I know of a lawsuit I would have paid a month's wages to watch Judge Judy handle. When I was a child, a student brought either cocaine or heroin to her elite private school. She was caught and expelled. However, the school had no written rules, which meant there was no formal drug policy. She sued, claiming she didn't know she couldn't bring drugs.

To my knowledge, borderline personality disorder (BPD) was not a factor. However, this frivolous lawsuit is a perfect example of an attempt to avoid personal responsibility--one of the complications of BPD.

Accountability and Personal Responsibility in BPD

Personal responsibility is difficult for any person to accept. Whether it's to the cop who just pulled us over or a teacher asking about our homework, coming up with excuses surpasses baseball as the national pastime.

"Accountability" is a dirty word in our society. In her book Don't Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining, Judge Judith Sheindlin wrote she would resign if a defendant ever came into her courtroom and accepted responsibility for his or her actions. She wanted to put the title of the book above the entrance to her courtroom for the same reason that makes Judge Judy one of my guilty pleasures--some of the excuses are so far-fetched they're hilarious.

People with BPD, due to emotional instability, may be unwilling or even unable to accept responsibility for conduct inspired by their symptoms. This is often seen as manipulation, and in some cases is.

Why Those With BPD Don't Accept Responsibility

There are two reasons people with BPD may not want to accept responsibility for their actions. The first is the fear of feeling unloved or like a bad person. A case in point: "I cut myself, I'm a bad person." In order to keep from feeling this, it becomes "He got mad, he doesn't love me, I had to cut to feel better." The self-injury then becomes someone else's fault.

The second is the fear of abandonment. If we see ourselves as bad or unlovable, we may believe others see us the same way. In order to prevent them from seeing us in a negative light, and consequently leaving us, we have to find someone or something to blame--even when the excuse is comically impossible.

It's My Fault and I Made a Mistake: Accountability and BPD

When I was a child, one of my religious books contained the phrase "The hardest words to say in English are 'I have sinned.'" It's true--it's extremely difficult for anyone, especially people with BPD, to say "It's my fault" or "I made a mistake." So how do we learn how to say these phrases?

It starts with remembering our identity. Very few of us are bad people. You are not a failure, you are a person who tried something that didn't work. You are not an evil person, you are a person who did something wrong. An occasional mistake does not determine your identity.

The second step is admitting to yourself that you've made a mistake or done something wrong. You can't admit to other people what you can't admit to yourself. You need to remind yourself that although things are temporarily bad, they will improve. You've made a mistake, but who hasn't? Remind yourself that you are a human being who makes mistakes. Learn from your mistake and move on. This is probably the hardest step to follow.

The third step is to admit to other people--especially those impacted by what happened--that you've made a mistake or done something wrong. Most people understand that you've messed up, and while they may be angry, that doesn't mean they don't love you. They just didn't love what happened. Accepting responsibility also makes you a stronger person--which is exactly what those of us with BPD need.