ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Last year, the CSIRO found consuming a bottle of Little Fat Lamb in a matter of minutes has a similar effect on the brain as holding a powerful magnet near a cassette tape has on it.

What used to be clear and crisp music or recorded voice becomes a garbled mess.

And one former North Betoota Christian College student is about to find out that enjoying a warm bottle of liquid neuralyzer completely erases large swathes of time from one’s memory.

Little does Damien Keegan know that in just a matter of hours, just one little bottle of hard ginger beer will turn him from being a largely respected young man into a silent mass of filth being stretchered off the Gold Coast’s Main Beach with less life in him than Gough ‘The Great Man’ Whitlam.

Damien and the bottle of Little Fat Lamb haven’t met yet but by all reports, they will in the coming hours.

Instead of choosing grog that comes with training wheels and an L plate, something like lemon Ruskies or a box of raspberry Red Bears, Damien will go straight for the advanced level.

Our reporter attempted to contact him for comment but he’s screened our phone calls bar one, where he told our reporter to fuck off.

More to come.