Hello Michael. Let’s talk football first – who’s going to win the Premier League this season? Chelsea will win the league. I think goals have been their achilles heel in the past, in many ways. Not that they don’t score any, but last season Manchester City and Liverpool were scoring all these goals and Chelsea didn’t have a striker to speak of. I think that was a problem last year, but Diego Costa is a good signing for them, and Cesc Fábregas is a goalscoring midfielder. I think they’ve bought well, and they’ve bought players to go straight into their team, rather than just bolster their squad.

Is Didier Drogba a good signing? It’s hard to say. Costa will be the main man this time. Drogba won’t play so many games, and when he does he won’t be as electric as he once was in a blue shirt.

People do say you should never go back … I suppose it’s easy for other people to say. You’ve got to live your life and if it means you’re going to have a year or two of real enjoyment again, and go to a place that you love, then there’s nothing wrong with that. I would never have been scared of going back to any club, just because I’d loved it before.

Now you’re forging a new life in punditry. How are you finding it? I’m new into the business. I’ve only been out of the game one year, and I’ve done bits and bobs on the BBC, and for something called PLP which is a foreign broadcaster. But I really enjoyed last season with BT Sport. I think I came in at a fantastic time, and it was a brilliant league last year. Since then even more money’s been spent on players, and the league gets better and better. I don’t know how to compare it with any other broadcaster, but I’ve really enjoyed my experience.

So what makes a good day now? Matchday’s still the highlight of the week. There’s still a buzz when you get to the stadium, and then just before the game, when you’re about to go to work.

That’s amazing. What do you listen to in the car on the way there? I don’t listen to anything. I don’t know why, but the car’s always been my own quiet space. When the kids are in the car they always want a song on, but I’m just happy with my thoughts.

What do the kids listen to? I’ve got three girls and a boy, and the girls are all about One Direction. They know every word to every song. They’ve been to a concert – my wife took them. I couldn’t go because, um, we only bought three tickets.

What’s the last film you saw? It’s very boring, but I don’t watch films. I think I’ve seen about five in my life. I just can’t get into them. I do try – someone will say, ‘Watch this film, it’s great,’ and I’ll try but after half an hour, 40 minutes I can’t take it any longer.

So what were those five? They must have been absolutely terrible. Rocky, Jurassic Park, Cool Runnings, Ghost. Um, I can’t remember any more. [Small Talk drums fingers on table encouragingly] Er … and Heat. I’ve seen Heat. I can’t think of any more.

But they’re all ancient! Someone might have made the perfect film in the last 20 years! Maybe. All the films I’ve seen were when I went training with clubs, when I was about 12 and my dad wanted me to visit Arsenal or [Manchester] United or whoever wanted to sign me at the time. A lot of the time you’d go and there would be 20 trialists, all staying together the night before, and instead of sitting all night in the hotel they’d take you to the cinema. And I’d go, ‘Oh no.’

Who would play you in a film of your life? What, an actor? I don’t know any actors.

I suppose you’ve got to pick one from those five films. It’s got to be Sylvester Stallone, because Patrick Swayze and John Candy are out. Tom Cruise is a good-looking fella, he’ll do.

So you don’t listen to music. You don’t watch films. What do you do with your spare time? I’ve not got a spare minute in the day. I have a management company, we look after quite a few young football players. Obviously there are my TV commitments. And then I’ve got sponsors, and then I’ve got a horse racing business, and then I’ve got a physiotherapy business, and then I’ve got four kids. I try to sit down to watch live sport and after that I don’t have time for anything else.

What’s your favourite sandwich filling? Um, turkey, brie and cranberry.

Wow, unusual choice. Yeah, well it was an unusual question.

Who would win a fight between a lion and a tiger? A lion. Why? Well, it’s the king of the jungle.

How often do you fly your helicopter? I don’t have a helicopter. I owned one, but I never piloted it. I only had it when I was at Newcastle so my family could watch me play, or I could go home on a day off. Newcastle was never going to be the place I would live for the rest of my life – I’ve always been around Chester. So the family was living there, and the helicopter was the easiest way for me to see them.

Aintree or Anfield? Anfield, definitely. Aintree’s more jump-based and I focus my attention on the flat.

What have you got in your pockets? Train tickets. Credit card, and about £20, (takes out money and counts it) £70.

Have you got any tattoos? No.

Ever thought about it? It seems to be very on-trend with footballing folk these days. Never. It’s not my style. My mum and dad were against piercings and tattoos. You tend to pick up some opinions from your parents, and it’s one of those. I wouldn’t want my children to get tattoos or have loads of piercings, and I’ve never wanted to do it myself.

What wakes you up sweating in the middle of the night? You know, I don’t really worry about much. My mum’s a big worrier. My dad couldn’t give a monkey’s. There could be a world war in his garden and he’d sleep through it. I’m like that. When I sleep I don’t have any worries.

Cheese or chocolate? That’s a tough one. Probably cheese.

Well you did want cheese in your sandwich. Yes, though funnily enough brie is not a cheese that I would eat on its own – it just goes well with turkey and cranberry. If I’m eating cheese on its own with a cracker it has to be really strong. I can handle a strong cheese. Stilton, things like that. If you’re buying mature cheese, than Canadian is probably the strongest one. Canadian extra mature, or Stilton, or anything that really stinks. That’s only really happened in the last five years. Before that I preferred a milder cheese.

And what would you like to drink with that? I’ll have a glass of wine. I don’t really like lager, and I don’t drink spirits. I like light reds, pinot noirs. I went to Melbourne last year and some of the wines out there, the pinot noirs, were unbelievable. Mind-blowing. Just fantastic.

Have you got a bit of a collection? A little one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a conoisseur. I’m not Sir Alex Ferguson. I’ve got loads of champagne – all my man of the match awards, which I’m a bit scared to open.

How much is a pint of milk? That’s a good question. Probably about 60p.

Not a bad guess. It costs 49p at the shop at the end of Small Talk’s road. And you live in London, so it’s probably about 30p where I live.

Can you tell me a joke? [Thinks for a while] Err … I’m one of those people who’s awful at telling them. I get told so many. Oh god, I heard a good one the other day. Come back to me.

Do you laugh easily? I love, love a night out where there’s a comedian. Do I laugh easily? Yeah, I’d say if you came into my house, you’d be surprised how loud and happy I am. I think most people see me as quite straight and boring, but we have a lot of fun at home.

Well Small Talk’s always up for a laugh – you should have us over for some cheese. We’ll bring a stinking bishop if you like. Sure thing, Small Talk. I’ll be in touch.

• Manchester United v Swansea City is one of 38 Barclays Premier League matches exclusively live on BT Sport this season, along with top games from the FA Cup, Europa League and live action from more top-flight football leagues than any other UK TV provider.