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This week, the president of wicked-Catholic Portugal announced that he’s ratifying a law that legalizes gay marriage, even though he doesn’t want to, because liberal lawmakers would just overturn his veto. Oh, to have that problem in your government!

I was excited to hear the news, of course, but how quickly a little reflection turned into embarrassed head-shaking about how far behind this country is. I don’t know about you, but as you may know, when I get moody about the ridiculous discriminatory laws against homos here, I make maps of weird stuff I can legally bone or marry. The longer the US holds out on this equality thing, the more wrong these are going to have to get. Today’s: There are, you’ll probably not be surprised to learn, three times as many states with no direct prohibitions against the sexual assault of an animal (according to the Animal Legal Defense Fund) as there are states that allow gay marriage.

* In New Jersey, I DEFINITELY could.