Missy Savage from North Carolina

What parent wouldn’t want to pick and choose friends for their child? I see myself creating opportunities for interaction with certain families so that my kids can make good, solid Catholic friends. There are times, though, where my kids make friends with others outside of my reach and control—shocking isn’t it? In reality, this is what we are supposed to do—be Christ’s light in this world. Your child is living out his call as a Christian when he does this. Most of the kids in modern society do not understand the Christian way of life and often make fun of it. While it hurts your child in the moment it happens, I believe that we can use this hurt to our advantage when trying to break away from these toxic friendships. Let me use an example to illustrate what I mean.

Recently, my teen son met a girl through a fellow friend and they started to date. In the beginning of the relationship, all my son could see were the good traits she had. As the relationship continued, his attitude and some of his long standing beliefs on certain issues changed. This is where we, as parents, stepped in and really started to talk with him about what was going on.

We talked WITH him, not at him. We found when we lectured, he tuned out. Keep the dialogue going at all times, and if you find yourself or your teen getting too upset, step back and breathe. Take the subject up another day.

Our discussions would usually happen after he would come home from a date. We would ask what they talked about and what they did. Not because we were nosy, but because we were curious about their thought processes. We also invited them to our home to have a date “in” so our family could be a witness to this couple.

Eventually, we could see very different, almost opposing, family views on every subject between the two of them. Having this information in hand, we could fight what was happening to him. We wanted him to come to the conclusion that this relationship was not good. He wasn’t seeing the traits we were, so we had to purposefully choose a strategy to help guide him. When he would be impatient with a sibling, I would question what has changed his attitude recently. If he did something good for another, I praised him for it. When he would tell his girlfriend his accomplishment, she didn’t praise him. Finally, he came to us and questioned many contradictions in word and actions from his girlfriend.

After months of discussion, he did break off the relationship, much to his parents’ delight. Parents and teen can both attest that this one relationship, which put so much stress and pressure on us all, was actually a blessing in disguise since there is nothing that the three of us can’t talk about now. Since going away to college, he still calls and chats with us all about what he is doing and with whom. His college friends can’t and don’t understand how he can do that. He is perplexed that they do not have this similar type of relationship with their parents.

Turning a bad situation into a positive example was challenging, but so worth it. Our son learned lots of things: how to figure out what is important to him and his own beliefs; not to lose oneself when you enter into a relationship by just going along with the new person and putting your own feelings away; and how to ask others for help when you are confused or frustrated. These three steps are vital for any relationship whether looking for a new BFF or a new romantic relationship. You can use these criteria when you are deciding if this new friendship is right for you or your children. Just remind your children you are always there for them and are ready and waiting for them to talk with you about whatever they are thinking or feeling. I would prefer they have these challenges right here and now while they live under my roof, so that I can help equip them with the tools they need to overcome similar hurdles in the future once they leave our home.