If only political parties could make the merchandise everyone wants, like an Ed Miliband action figure that says “Hell yes” when you pull its string, or some David Cameron-endorsed designer kitchenware bearing the rousing campaign slogan “three-and-a-half-ish more years”. Instead, they persist in using their websites to flog a vast selection of deeply idiosyncratic “gifts”, as though you’d bestow any of these things on anyone without the express intention of starting a 30-year feud. Still, for those with precisely that aim in mind, here follows an edit of the most covetable pieces this election.

Ukip’s ladies’ chiffon scarf

Labour party mug - Controls on immigration

• Unsurprisingly, for a party that relies on the kindness of those who hate strangers, Ukip are all over the merchandising game. Indeed, when we leave the EU, the trade in Ukip-branded items is expected to be the primary mode of commerce in British society. In the short- to medium-term, though, there is bad news. The purple diamante lanyard that retailed for a fiver on the Ukip site till last week is no longer available, presumably owing to high demand. You can, however, still pick up this ladies’ chiffon scarf, “tastefully featuring the Ukip logo in gentle lilac”, for a mere £3 – unlikely to have been Made in Britain. Gentlemen may prefer the pound sign polyester tie, even if it does feel destined to be the future star of a coroner’s report featuring the words “believed to have gone horribly wrong”.



The Green party’s ‘standing up for migrants’ mug

• Labour shoppers will go wild for their critically misunderstood “controls on immigration” mug. Shoppers like a Mr Ed Balls of London, for instance, who wants to buy one at its alleged market value of £5 “because it’s a very, very important pledge”. Meanwhile, the Green party’s decision to provide a counter-offer in the form of a “standing up for migrants” mug serves to remind us that this election is very much a mugs game.



The Tories’ Little Iron Lady babygro

• In the Conservatives’ online shop, there’s an entire three-page section entitled “Maggie”. And yes, you’ll be tempted by the T-shirt bearing the legend “You turn if you want to”, a slogan that somehow contrives to sublimate a quote by the first female prime minister into a tit-borne invitation to street harassment. I can imagine Jordan wearing it at a nightclub PA, with just a fur thong. In the end, though, you’ll want to save your pennies for the £15 LITTLE IRON LADY babygro, which – in the annals of adorably precious babywear – possibly even supersedes one I once saw reading: DADDY ONLY WANTED A BLOWJOB.

• Lib Dem pickings are rather slim, unless you go in for Lloyd George fridge magnets. Still, completists will find it difficult to resist a branded Liberal Democrat photoframe for £4.75, in which the manufacturers have confidently already placed a snap of Nick Clegg.



The SNP’s onesie Photograph: SNP

• At the other end of the retail spectrum, the SNP has its own standalone merchandise website, which features a baffling array of diffusion lines such as the “Nicola signature range”, SNP Classic and what appears to be a comprehensive golf outfitters. “Executive gifts” include a hipflask, an engraved decanter and an SNP foam hand, in case the executive in your life is planning on waving it to a Gladiators-style chorus of Another One Bites the Dust every time Nicola Sturgeon puts down an opponent in her forthcoming debates. The standout for me though is the SNP onesie for £30, which they scarcely need to point out “makes excellent loungewear”.

Ukip’s high-vis jacket Photograph: Ukip

• Finally, several of the parties will sell you a high-vis jacket – which is, of course, the garment that confers more insta-importance on its wearer than any other. To slip it on is to slip on authority, but given the choice between their various offerings, my choice would be Ukip’s version, for its added “Ukip at work” slogan. This makes it the perfect outfit to don if you plan on standing next to pharmacy counters and denying foreign-looking people access to medicine.

