Browse any bookstore and you’ll find a thousand or more books on how to get rich.Â One wonders if all these authors actually are rich, or their plan to get rich is to sucker people into buying their books?Â Regardless, anything more than free seems like the wrong direction to begin your journey to rich.Â That is unless, of course, this column gets later compiled into a book.Â In which case, that book would be a worthy investment.

The following are some sure fire ways to get rich.Â Am I personally rich?Â No, not yet.Â But that is only because I felt selfish hoarding all of these can’t-miss ideas for myself.

Pizza gift cards

For the holidays give all your gifts in the form of pizza restaurant gift cards.Â Then, while friends and family revel in ham, sausage, pepperoni, and bacon pizza, you invest in pork futures.

Kill Tony Danza

But first purchase lots of Who’s The Boss? memorabilia.Â Look to Michael Jackson’s death and how everything related to him shot up in value.Â If Danza fails to provide the desired results, try again.

Write a religious self-help book

Title it “30 Days to Something Something Grace.”Â Be sure to go multimedia with study guides, workbooks, DVDs, and even a video game.Â Reassure everyone that if Jesus came back today, it would definitely be on Xbox Live.

Make lots of wild, unverifiable predictions

Say things like, “The economy is in for some interesting times,” or “Technology stocks are sure to see some activity in the coming months.”Â Claim wild success, and then claim huge salaries as a consultant.

Move to a small town and drop money randomly around town

Bowing to their small town values, people will pick up and return the money to you.Â Soon people will start to know you as the senile old coot who is always losing money.Â They’ll start returning money to you that you didn’t even drop. Â Sure enough, eventually they’ll begin questioning their own money and whether or not they should return it to you.

I’m personally willing to offer you a lifetime guarantee on these methods for the low, low price of only $299.Â If these ideas do not make you rich sometime within your lifetime, I’ll fully refund your money.Â Unfortunately, this offer is not transferable.