When do you really know that you are a police officer?

Is it when you realize that you find humor in other people’s stupidity? Or is it when you know for certain that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.” Is it when you’ve left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten, or when you come to the knowledge that discussing human dismemberment over a meal is a perfectly normal thing to do? Maybe it’s when you feel good when you hear someone say, “These handcuffs are too tight.”

Here are 25 ways you can be pretty reliably sure that you’re really a cop:

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1. You have the bladder capacity of five people combined.

2. You have restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

3. You believe that 50 percent of people are a waste of good air.

4. Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call.

5. You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

6. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

7. You disbelieve 90 percent of what you hear and 75 percent of what you see.

8. You have your weekends off planned for a year.

9. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

10. You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located.

11. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide: Getting it right the first time.”

12. You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

13. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

14. You know anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow at least a .15

15. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

16. Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”

17. People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places...and you know where it’s located.

18. You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

19. You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

20. You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”

21. You do not see daylight from November until May.

22. People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original.

23. A week’s worth of laundry consists of five T-shirts, five pairs of socks, and five pairs of underwear.

24. You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend.”

25. You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.