Jen Horsey travels a lot for work. So does her boyfriend. Sometimes, things get messy.

“When I get home from a trip, I unpack right away,” says Horsey, a marketing professional. “I put the dirty clothes in the laundry, stow the suitcase and restore all my toiletries to the bathroom — even if I’m only home for a couple of days before I leave again. He, on the other hand, just opens his suitcase and lets it vomit its contents all over our bedroom floor.”

Horsey doesn’t consider herself a neat freak — houses are meant to be lived in, after all — but she does prefer it when things look tidy.

“My boyfriend doesn’t notice mess the same way I do,” Horsey says. “He has a much higher clutter tolerance.”

It’s not a gender thing. Nine times out of 10, my own boyfriend’s place is immaculate. Whereas I am writing this on a coffee table littered with old magazines, bottles of nail polish and a constellation of pistachio shells. (I’ll get to it later, okay?)

No matter how compatible you may be with your partner or spouse, if you have different cleanliness ideals, could it spell trouble for your relationship? I asked Toronto psychotherapist and couples counsellor, Kirk Austensen.

“(Cleanliness and) the division of household labour is absolutely an issue in a relationship,” he says. “If it’s not balanced or fair, it’s a huge stressor on couples.”

Austensen explains that in relationships where there is this type of imbalance, there is usually one person who is an “overdoer,” while the second is a more laissez-faire person. The overdoer takes on the lion’s share of household chores out of love, habit or necessity and the labour imbalance eventually breeds resentment.

“Resentment is the number one relationship killer,” says Austensen.

Hiring a regular cleaning service is a great solution, though Austensen jokes that I’m going to put him out of business by revealing that. But what about for couples and families who aren’t in a financial position to hire household help?

There are a great deal of resources available for free online on how to implement a fair and decisive plan for the division of household labour.

Austensen recommends that couples communicate and create a vision or plan that works for them (for instance, one partner does the cooking and cleaning and then other partner does the laundry, yardwork and handles the bulk of the childcare).

If one of the partners slips up, nagging is definitely not the way to go, as it could breed further resentment for both.

“There has to be feedback and positive acknowledgement,” says Austensen. “Couples should be checking in with each other about the things that they’re both doing and contributing, ensuring that they’re honouring their commitments.”

Praise your partner for the things they do around the house (“Thanks for unloading the dishwasher, honey!”) instead of complaining about what they don’t do or haven’t gotten around to yet. And figure out what works best for both of you.

Horsey came up with her own creative solution to her and her boyfriend’s post-trip clutter issue — he has his own patch of floor.

“That is where his pile goes. I don’t try to organize it or clean it, aside from putting a suitcase or blanket over it sometimes to camouflage the eyesore,” she says. “For his stuff, that is ‘put away.’”

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She also outsourced the rest of the problem. “I have a cleaning lady who is fantastic. She only comes every couple of weeks but it’s a great reset and we don’t fight about household chores anymore — because there aren’t any.”