AMERICA’S National Security Agency tapped the phone calls of Yorkshire for five minutes before throwing its headphones across the room in horror.

Seasoned professionals at the NSA, many of whom have spied on the French, were left traumatised by their brief insight into what Yorkshire people say to each other in private.

A source said: “It was like overhearing a conversation between demons from the fifth circle of hell.

“No matter where the conversation started out, it very quickly found its way to the subject of faeces.

“They were talking about it as if it was money.”

Another source added: “From what I could determine, most of them are cannibals.”