Steal a car every 24 hours. If 15 million of us do this daily, what are the chances of the cops specifically catching you?

Inflate your tires to 230 psi. A two- to three-month stay in the hospital always saves fuel.

Distill your own fuel from something less ­expensive than crude oil, such as meth­am­pheta­mine.

Excuse yourself from one day of carpooling per week. On that day, when your buddies are safely on the road, steal valuable items from their homes.

Buy a BMW with iDrive. You won’t be going anywhere fast.

Reduce your car’s weight. Don’t wear underwear.

In lieu of a driving vacation this year, enroll the whole family in rehab.

Drive drunk all the time. The last half of your journey will often be undertaken in a vehicle fueled at taxpayers’ expense.

New cars come with a full tank of gas. Buy 52 new cars per year.

Departing the airport, ask the shuttle driver if you can take the wheel for a sec. Drive home.

Buy a yellow hard hat and a plastic name badge. Tour various Texas refineries daily. Every few minutes say: “Hey, guys, looks like I’m gonna need a sample of that.”

Turn off your headlights at night. This doesn’t immediately save fuel, but it will when your engine stops in the instant it becomes an integral part of an oak tree.

Make a list of the roads you use. Then buy them. If you drive on private property, you owe no road tax.

Don’t waste ethanol by dumping it in your fuel tank. Use it to launch your own niche brand of vodka, called Stoli-Sawgrass.

Compress your own rotting vegetation and reptiles under two to three million pounds per square inch. Wait for quite a while.

Ladies only: Take maternity leave twice a year.

Rent a car daily. Get the full insurance package. Drive it until it runs out of fuel, then call Hertz to report it stolen. Rent another car.

Drive 55 mph. Within minutes, you’ll be rear-ended by an 18-wheeler. Take advantage of the many benefits of bump drafting.

Martha Stewart DIY: Remove two pistons from your engine. Use them as geranium pots.

Stop commuting. Instead, ship yourself to work via FedEx.

During a NASCAR race, drive recklessly into Junior’s pit. Shout, “Round of wedge, fuel, right sides only!” This will often include a free drink of Gatorade.

Carry a big skimmer, then closely follow Captain Hazelwood whenever he’s near surf.

Charge Third World citizens a nominal fee to tour the interior of your SUV. Conduct the tours yourself. Use the center console as a jar for tips. (Euros only. No worthless U.S. dollars.) Rent out excess cargo space to needy foreign families. (Three children or fewer, please.)

Strip all unnecessary nickel and copper from your car. Sell it to Ricky, Unit 7, Behind the Burned-Out Chrysler New Yorker, Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

In the morning, order a pizza from the Domino’s nearest your office. After the kid delivers your pie, catch a ride back with him.

Plant some corn in your yard. Fill out the forms to qualify for tax-free agricultural fuel.

Help enact legislation making all left-hand turns illegal.

Take a train. Really, just take one. Paint it red, white, and blue and sell it to Amtrak.

Become the CEO of ExxonMobil.

Buy stock in the first company to manufacturer 52-mile-long extension cords. When plug-in hybrids arrive, you can quit your job.

Using pieces from your deck, transform your RV into that walk-out basement you’ve always wanted.

Drill a well in your back yard. You’ll strike a sewer before you strike oil, but it will take a lot of time, during which you won’t be driving.

Apply for citizenship in Venezuela or Saudi Arabia.

Tell your neighbors you’ve purchased a safari park franchise, then stop mowing your lawn. For six years.

Turn your car into a chicken coop. Now there really will be an egg under your accelerator pedal.

Sell your car’s warm exhaust to owners of hot-air balloons.

Shoot yourself in the spleen. No more wasting fuel while searching for a parking space. Drive directly to the handicap slots.

Have your new car serviced four to five times per week. Courtesy cars are full of gas.

Lower your car’s rolling resistance by riding on the rims.

Go to Zangara Dodge in Albuquerque and buy a $30,000 Dodge Ram for $15,000. Think about investing your $15,000 savings in fuel. Instead, drive your new truck home and park it. Forever.

Attention, marksmen with gun racks: Take a few extra minutes to permanently reset all the traffic lights between your house and your destination.

Reduce your car’s frontal area by removing the windshield.

Drive to a full-serve station. Tell the attendant to keep pumping gas into your tank “until the trouble starts.” Drive away without paying. That will be when the trouble starts.

A recent study shows that fewer people driving means less pollution, saving 2000 lives in the next 12 months. Apply for a federal grant to save lives by not driving.

Park in front of a California bar. For a small fee ($4.18 or so), allow patrons to come out and smoke cigarettes in your SUV.

Rob a bank. For the next 10 to 20 years, all you’ll be driving is the library cart.

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