Twelve Miami Marlins and eight Boston Red Sox players were rushed to Jackson Hospital after a previously unknown retractable floor at Marlins Stadium’s was inadvertently opened during the National Anthem on Monday. The players sustained numerous injuries after falling 15 feet onto a concrete basement floor. Several dozen others sustained minor bruises that did not necessitate hospitalization. Billy the Marlin was killed.Upon being asked why the team had installed the patently dangerous contraption, Marlins CEO Derek Jeter responded with, “I don’t f—ing know! Ask Loria! I had no idea we had a retractable floor, either!”

When pressed on why he hadn’t done his due diligence before buying the franchise, Mr. Jeter gave this reporter the middle finger and slammed a door in his face.

Jeffrey Loria, the Marlins’ former president and sentient personification of all Seven Deadly Sins, was found hiding in a copper bathtub filled with hundred dollar bills and drumsticks.

“It’s branding, baby!” he exclaimed between mouthfuls of fried chicken. “You need the biggest, the best, the loudest, the craziest to draw in the fans! You need to spend money!”

I asked Mr. Loria whether he believed the purchase of such amenities was ultimately detrimental to the team’s wellbeing.

“Detrimental?” he retorted self-righteously. “You’re talking about it aren’t you? The press is writing about it! The fans are posting about it! You can’t buy that exposure! It’s the best thing to happen to the team in years! Jeter ought to be ******* my ****.”

When questioned on whether that money might have been better invested in the players rather than dubious stadium infrastructure, Mr. Loria looked at me as if I had grown an arm from my forehead.

“Who gives a **** about the players?” he asked with genuine confusion.

Mr. Loria then took a hearty bite out of a drumstick that he pulled from between his thighs and kicked me out of his house to count his money.

Written by Bobby D. Foster.