FADE IN:

INT. HAN SOLO SOLO MOVIE AUDITION

KATHLEEN KENNEDY

Sorry Ansel, but you’re way too charming and affable and don’t require an acting coach so we’ve decided to go with the guy from Hail Caesar who wasn’t even remotely charming or affable and who needed an acting coach. Badly.

ANSEL ELGORT

Nuts.

KATHLEEN KENNEDY

Keep the jacket though.

ANSEL ELGORT

Gee thanks!

EXT. BANK HEIST

JON BERNTHAL, JON HAMM, and EIZA GONZALEZ rob a bank while their wheelman ANSEL ELGORT dances in his car ADORABLY.

ANSEL ELGORT

Our heists are magically synced to the songs I listen to and the bystanders, hostages and cops are all happy to play along and not throw my timing off by even a single second!

ANSEL’s gang pile into the car and instantly get a FIVE STAR WANTED LEVEL.

ANSEL ELGORT

Great! Time to show off my expert, finely honed, completely unique skill of driving a car!

JON BERNTHAL

We’re in a bright red sedan with a sun roof. The cops are all over us. Why would you pick such a distinctive getaway vehicle?

ANSEL ELGORT

OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT WE’RE DOOMED I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOSE THEM I’M A TERRIBLE BABY DRIVER-- oh wait there just so happens to be two OTHER red sedans with sunroofs right next to each other waiting for us to trick the police!

They ride this obvious plot convenience to FREEDOM!

INT. HEIST PLANNING HIDEOUT

ANSEL and the others meet up with their criminal leader KEVIN SPACEY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER.

ANSEL ELGORT

Wait, what happened to Kevin?

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

He had a problem with taking advantage of young boys such as yourself so I’ve been retroactively edited into all of his past roles. Frank Underwood? Keyser Soze? John Doe? All Plummer now.

ANSEL ELGORT

Wow. But why you?

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

I’d like to think it has to do with my long distinguished body of work that doesn’t include trying to fuck 14 year olds. Now I’m the guy who rigorously plans all the heists, and I never use the same crew twice for safety purposes. Though I am happy to use the same hideout, coffee shop, and driver over and over again.

JON BERNTHAL

Ansel performed his job above and beyond my wildest expectations and remained cool under pressure, therefore I hate his guts. What's his deal anyway?

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

He was in a car crash that killed his parents and left him with tinnitus which is why he always listens to music, and probably photosensitivity since he wears sunglasses all the time.

JON HAMM

That’s horrible. Hearing this makes me sympathize with Ansel HAHAHA JUST KIDDING DON’T CARE

(sucks face with Eiza)

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Well lucky for me Ansel’s disability also came with superpowers, since that's how it always works!

MATT MURDOCK

Totally!

PROFESSOR X

All the time!

MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF REAL LIFE PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES

Erm.

Everyone gets their cut of the money and splits up.

JON BERNTHAL

If you don’t see me again it’s because I’m dead. Or I got a Netflix show that makes up for the black hole of suckness that was Iron Fist and The Defenders.

JON walks off screen where he is presumably killed by a falling piano.

JON HAMM

Haha! There can be only one!

(absorbs Other Jon’s soul)

INT. ANSEL’S APARTMENT

ANSEL ELGORT

When I’m not busy heisting I like to make mix tapes spliced together from conversations discussing Christopher’s criminal activities which will in no way come back to bite me in the ass later.

CJ JONES

(signing)

He also takes care of me, his mute invalid guardian!

ANSEL ELGORT

Wait, have you always been like this? Why would the state leave me in your custody after my parent’s death?

CJ JONES

(signing)

Because they knew I’d make you appear even more charming and affable than you already are!

ANSEL cooks dinner, washes the dishes, cleans his room, negotiates a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine, disarms North Korea’s Nuclear arsenal, and uses all his heist money to take care of CJ because ANSEL is a DARLING. Despite all the VIOLENT CRIMES.

ANSEL ELGORT

(halo forms over his head)

INT. DINER

ANSEL records waitress LILLY JAMES singing without her knowledge or consent and then PLAYS BACK his recording with the volume turned up to 11.

LILY JAMES

Wow, your recorder managed to pick up my voice clearly despite me walking away and facing away from the mic. Creepy. I like creepy. Let’s flirt. I like music.

ANSEL ELGORT

Me too!

LILY JAMES

We’re dating now. I don’t have a life outside of this diner so I’ll just wait here in hibernation until the plot needs me.

ANSEL goes home and remixes LILY'S VOICE into a new MIXTAPE which is a healthy noncreepy thing to do.

INT. HEIST PLANNING HIDEOUT

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Good news everyone! I’ve assembled a new group of criminal dingbats which includes two nobodies and Jamie Foxx, who we just call “Bats”.

JAMIE FOXX

(getting all up in Ansel’s grill)

I hear you are an impeccable driver and I have witnessed you display incredible memory retention skills while listening to music, therefore I hate you.

ANSEL ELGORT

I seem to have that effect on people.

JAMIE FOXX

I know what you mean. For example, I like to violently murder the people I work with.

ANSEL ELGORT

Why... would you openly brag about that?

JAMIE FOXX

I have a death wish? So Chris, while we’re out risking our freedom what will you be doing?

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Taking it easy now that ALL of the sexual harassers in Hollywood have finally been exposed!

(checks Twitter)

Aw shit, George Takei is trending, guess I’m the new Mr. Sulu. Oh My!

EXT. ARMORED TRUCK HEIST

JAMIE FOXX

Alright, is everyone wearing a mask?

ANSEL ELGORT

Does sunglasses count as a mask? Also I’m wearing the same puckish rogue jacket I’m always seen wearing while not being an accessory to armed robbery.

JAMIE FOXX

How have you not been identified and caught a million times by now? BTW you’re also an accessory to murder because I killed a guard while you were busy playing air guitar.

ANSEL ELGORT

But I didn’t see it so I’m not culpable! That’s how the law works!

They make their ESCAPE! But they have to swap vehicles and carjack a HELPLESS WOMAN.

HELPLESS WOMAN

Please! My baby is in that car. My BABY! Hey DRIVER! My BABY! DRIVER! BABY! DRIVER! I think you get what I’m saying.

ANSEL hands over the BABY like the NICE, KIND, THOUGHTFUL CRIMINAL HE IS.

ANSEL ELGORT

Also here’s some cab fare!

HELPLESS WOMAN

Oh Ansel, you’re such a sweetheart!

(spends the money on PTSD counselling)

INT. HEIST PLANNING HIDEOUT

ANSEL ELGORT

Hmm, I notice one of my accomplices is missing.

JAMIE FOXX

That’s because I killed him. He become a liability.

ANSEL ELGORT

This seems like a really good reason to stop recording all my conversations.

(pause)

Oh wait I’m not? I guess I’M the one with the death wish!

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Well Ansel, it looks like that was your last job. You’re all paid up and are no longer indebted to me. Have a nice life.

INT. LAUNDROMAT

ANSEL goes off and falls in love with LILY despite her shocking lack of PERSONALITY or DEPTH or SENTIENT HUMAN FEMALE TRAITS.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Whoops did I say you were done? I meant to say I’ll hurt Lily if you don’t continue working for me.

ANSEL ELGORT

That wasn’t part of the deal!

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

I am altering the deal! Pray I don’t alter it any further! Seriously though how are you not Young Han Solo? Anyway, this time we’re robbing a post office so I need you to go scope it out for me so that your face is seen by every camera in the place and the innocent lady teller remembers said face because that’s how not getting caught works and--

(checks Twitter)

Shiiiiit Louis CK, John Travolta AND Stallone are trending. I have SO MUCH work to do now. If Samuel L. Jackson starts trending I am going to slit my fucking wrists. There’s only so much Plummer to go around, Hollywood!!

INT. HEIST PLANNING HIDEOUT

ANSEL’s next group of partners include JAMIE, EIZA and JON HAMM.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

It seems my rule of not using the same crew twice still counts if only one guy is different. I need you twerps to go get guns from “The Butcher”, a man who discusses weapons only in terms of meat products, but first feel free to drive around and openly plot against each other in front of Ansel.

JAMIE FOXX

(with looks)

I’m gonna kill you Ansel you fuck.

JON AND EIZA

We’re gonna kill you Jamie you fuck. Hey Ansel, you alright with that?

ANSEL ELGORT

While you were talking Jamie killed another innocent person so hell yes I’m okay with that, just so long as my hands don’t get dirty!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Awww! Ansel’s willful inaction to prevent murderers is so noble and likeable!

INT. ILLEGAL GUN SELLING WAREHOUSE (NO NOT WALMART)

THE BUTCHER

Hey everyone! I’m actually noted singer, composer and songwriter Paul Williams! I so rarely get to flex my acting chops so I’d like to thank Edgar Wright for giving me this opportun

(is violently killed)

JON HAMM

The hell Jamie?! You killed Christopher’s contact and all his men!

JAMIE FOXX

Of course I did. I’m an unhinged psychopath. Haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve said? Why Christopher continues working with an asshole who constantly leaves bodies whereever he goes is beyond me. Speaking of.

(to Ansel with looks)

Gonna fuckin’ kill you, Baby. K-I-L-L You.

(drags thumb across throat)

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Well since Jamie killed my fence the job is off.

(pause)

Okay the job is on again. Everyone sleep at the hideout tonight for plot reasons.

That night ANSEL tries to leave the hideout but gets caught!

JON HAMM

What are you doing sneaking out at 2 in the morning?

ANSEL ELGORT

Um... I could be testing out this getaway car I've never driven before? For all you know that's what I do before every job, since we've never spent an overnight before.

JON HAMM

That's a good, plausible excuse, so you'd better not use that.

JAMIE FOXX

Maybe it has something to do with this tape recorder full of crime related conversations I found.

ANSEL ELGORT

Uh... Is it too late to use the first excuse? It is? Shiiiit.

They knock ANSEL out and get his mix tapes including LILY’s oh no!

ANSEL ELGORT

You sent Jamie to get my tapes? He surely killed CJ!

JAMIE FOXX

That would certainly be consistent with my character! But no he’s alive. I mean he was a mute cripple. I’m not a total monster.

(throws a bag of kittens into a river)

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Well Ansel we can't trust you now so the heist is off.

ANSEL ELGORT

Okay, but how about... no it isn't?

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Well in that case HEIST BACK ON EVERYONE!

EXT. POST OFFICE HEIST

ANSEL ELGORT

Alright guys, I’m going to park behind a truck full of conveniently placed metal death rods.

JON HAMM

Meanwhile the rest of us will rob the post office with our Christmas light glasses. After which we’ll make our getaway.

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

And then Jamie’s going to kill Ansel.

JAMIE FOXX

What she said, baby.

(produces voodoo doll of Ansel)

(beheads doll)

(fries head up in a pan and eats it)

ANSEL ELGORT

That doll head is a terrible source of iron, Jamie. Let me fix that!

ANSEL floors it and impales JAMIE with the iron DEATH RODS!

ANSEL ELGORT

Oh no! I’ve gone from plucky oblivious getaway driver to first degree murderer!

JON HAMM

But Jamie had it coming so it’s fine! But couldn’t you have killed him WITHOUT totaling the car? Now we have to escape on foot!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

Run, Ansel, Run!

ANSEL runs all over the goddamn place but can’t lose his WANTED LEVEL and runs into JON and EIZA and a fuckton of COPS!

EIZA GONZÁLEZ

You’re not the only one with superpowers, Ansel! I’m also bulletproof! Allow me to demonstrate by shooting at these cops completely without cover

(is shot a hundred times and dies idiotically)

JON HAMM

Noooooo!!!! This is all YOUR FAULT Ansel!

ANSEL ELGORT

How?! She said she was bulletproof!

ANSEL carjacks another HELPLESS WOMAN at gunpoint, but apologizes and tosses the woman her PURSE because he’s a SWEETHEART.

HELPLESS WOMAN #2

Such a polite young man! A true gentleman Ansel is!

(has nightmares about Ansel shoving a gun in her face for the rest of her life)

He was so super nice about it though!

INT. DINER

ANSEL ELGORT

Hey Lily you can come out of your hibernation now.

LILY JAMES

(emerging from her winter slumber)

Man I am hungry. I could really go for some green eggs and-- HAMM?!?

JON HAMM

Ha! I knew Ansel would show up here! He killed my girl so I’m going to kill his girl! But not before I share earbuds with HIM and listen to some music because I’m a weirdo.

ANSEL shoots JON in the shoulder and escapes with LILY.

JON HAMM

And now I have Ansel’s wax in my ear. Gross.

ANSEL ELGORT

Meanwhile I’ve stolen YET ANOTHER CAR at gunpoint!

LILY JAMES

If the police catch you you’re going to get, like, a million years in prison for this.

ANSEL ELGORT

I know! Good thing I’m too charming and affable to get caught!

INT. HEIST PLANNING HIDEOUT

ANSEL ELGORT

Christopher I need your help.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Why? Did you jack off in front of a journalist into a potted plant? If so I can’t help you.

ANSEL ELGORT

Uh, no. I need one of my mix tapes that has my mom’s voice on it. Also I need you to help me and Lily escape.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

You mean after you made secret incriminating recordings of me, ruined my heist, got my crew killed, AND cost me millions? No fucking way am I helping you dipshit.

(pause)

I will help you.

JON HAMM

(appearing)

But first let me introduce you to the underside of this stolen cop car!

JON kills CHRISTOPHER. ANSEL gets in a CAR and they chase each other in CARS, but then get out of their CARS.

JON HAMM

I’ve fired my gun next to both of Ansel’s ears, making him partially deaf! Now he can NEVER enjoy music ever again! This is MUCH MORE evil than simply shooting him in his adorable baby face!

(slips on a banana peel)

(falls to his death)

ANSEL and LILY try to escape in a CAR, but they are surrounded by COPS, who have way more CARS.

INT. COURTROOM

JUDGE

Ansel, you have been implicated in at least 3 robberies, 3 armed car jackings, at least 5 shootings resulting in deaths including cops, resisting arrest, and speeding, not to mention being a total nightmare to the film’s music royalty department. Thanks to mandatory minimums you will be getting AT THE VERY LEAST 30 years in prison with no parole.

ANSEL ELGORT

(smiles and winks)

JUDGE

Oooooh! You are just SO DAMN CHARMING and affable according to all the eye witnesses whose lives you put in danger including Lily who is somehow not on trial as your accomplice! Sentenced reduced to parole after 5 years served!

ANSEL ELGORT

Don’t worry Lily, I won’t hold it against you if you don’t want to wait for me.

LILY JAMES

The hell are you talking about? My next hibernation cycle is exactly 5 years!

ANSEL ELGORT

Whoo-hoo!

Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling as everybody celebrates!

END