Group A

Brazil : Oregon


A team that exists to entertain and sell Nike apparel in every combination of green and yellow possible. Talent is transcendent, expectations are humbling, but everyone agrees they play the most enjoyable form of the game. Uniforms may cause seizures.

Mexico : Texas


Regular members of the second tier of teams, but going through a bit of an existential crisis: Their rivals are surpassing them, and they had an uncharacteristically troubled campaign to get here. Fans are tired of the underachieving, but they deserve no better.

Croatia : Wisconsin


Physical bordering on violent, has produced a large number of talented individuals that have had trouble playing as a cohesive unit. Gets further than they should thanks to opponents' mistakes.

Cameroon : Fresno State


One of the first "look out for these guys" teams, and still staying consistently dangerous, although not quite as thrilling to watch as most of their African/Mid-Major counterparts.

Group B

Spain : Alabama


Offensive-minded and star-studded, they are feeling the pressure of defending their supremacy at the same time they thrive on it. Their workaholic coach knows not to conduct a complete overhaul when a simple fine-tune will do.

Netherlands : Florida State


Many past players and coaches are icons who have made quantum leaps in the way the sport was played, and have featured in some of the most iconic moments is the game's history. All too familiar with heartbreak in the championship chase.

Australia : Minnesota


Both teams are loved, but not the major sports of interest in their area (Aussies dig rugby and cricket, Minny U people are hoops and hockey fans). Most likely to be the team of choice for casual female viewers, with their scruffy white-boy charm and cute nicknames.

Chile : Arizona State


Consistently good, rarely great, but seldom a team you want to see on the schedule. Better known for hosting big competitions than actually winning them, and this time they'll be gone soon.

Group C

Japan : Central Florida


Pouring money and attention into the team in recent years, they have made the Cup/Bowl Games a regular occurrence, and are also a popular choice of hipsters. Still unable to bridge the gap between regional respect and global contention.

Colombia : Miami


Gone from the scene for a decade, but working their way back. Star-crossed with a history of off-the-field tragedy and wasted promise. Built on cocaine.

Ivory Coast : Texas Christian


After years of being a team that nobody wanted to play, the window is finally closing. Still dangerous, but only in the early going.

Greece : Iowa


They always manage to find a way to qualify, but damned if they're anything other than cannon fodder once they get any further than that.

Group D

Italy : USC


Everything you hate about the sport: Corruption, arrogance, cheap shots, diving, thuggery, the sense of entitlement, a legion of douchebags who make up a huge chunk of their fan base (not to mention roster).

England : Ohio State


Tradition-heavy and always full of drama, it's a team that is most representative of the state of the sport...for good and for ill. Although a formidable team now, they seem forever stuck on past glories and current scandal.

Uruguay : Notre Dame


In the infancy of both sports, they took all the attention and still feast on that history, although they did have a few strong recent campaigns. Still regarded as regulars in the running, they aren't relevant once the competition pares down to the real contenders.

Costa Rica : West Virginia


This time, the only thing they really have is the worst-behaved fans in the sport.

Group E

Switzerland : Michigan


A member of the sport's old guard, they're not the title threat they used to be. Not an exciting team to watch, but they are successful at making teams play at their level.

Ecuador : Arkansas


Mountainous lands with tough groups to qualify out of and little record of success in the next level.

France : Tennessee


1998 was their day in the sun, but recent years haven't been that kind to them, needing all kinds of help and small miracles just to finish in the running. Also a recent history of completely insane coaches.

Honduras : Northern Illinois


If anything in soccer equates with MACtion, it's qualifying out of CONCACAF

Group F

Argentina : Oklahoma


A reliable fountain of talent and always a member of the short list, The 1980's serving as both their highest point (1986 Cup win/1985 Orange Bowl) and darkest moment (Maradona's heavy coke habit/Charles Thompson's shooting spree and NCAA sanctions).Have underachieved in big matches, but usually comes up big against rivals.

Bosnia-Herzegovina : Louisville


A recent candidate for entry into the new elite from a land rich with squalor, separatism and incest jokes. A good run isn't an unreasonable ask, but they need to start winning a few games they aren't expected to win.

Iran : BYU


Religiously conservative with an arid climate; also barely relevant with a spotty record of recent success. Flexes their offensive ability if not pressured. Goes it alone from the rest of the world as much as possible.

Nigeria : Hawai'i


A breeding ground of talent bedeviled by inconsistency and a lack of real area challenges. They could become a true contender if they got their act together, but are presently at risk of getting passed by their peers.

Group G

Germany : Auburn


A consummate big-game team that is always a contender with a combination of skill and power. Remarkably seasoned and star-studded for such a relatively young team.

USA : Baylor


Hardly a blip on the radar 20 years ago, they forced their way into the conversation with three helpers: 1) a relatively weak conference/continent 2) a few bloody noses to top teams and 3) a penchant for dramatic moments.

Ghana : Boise State


Once upon a time, this was the team that was going to take the title away from the established powerhouses, and that could beat anyone on any given day. Right now, they're stuck waiting for their young players to develop.

Portugal : Oklahoma State


Every year, they are a team with confidence, a solid roster, loyal support, a high ranking and an uncanny talent to lay an egg at the worst possible time.

Group H

Belgium : Texas A&M


It's been a while since they've had this level of expectation around their team, but they're just too star-studded and talented not too draw notice. A hipster's choice for the championship; sadly, they might just flake out in the face of a later-round challenge.

Russia : Nebraska


You think these guys would be bigger powerhouses, but they're not; at least, not anymore. It's a team more about the system than creativity, more about the past than the present.

Algeria : Marshall


Once again, they sneak into the next level and get to test themselves against some real talent. They might put a scare into someone, but just getting here is the victory – again.

South Korea : Texas Tech


Their mode is stuck in high-speed attack at all times, and they often don't play defense even when reminded. They rarely make the push into the top echelons, but have given enough upsets to start grudges.