Uber continued its mea culpa tour by releasing its first report detailing the composition of its work force, which depicted an overwhelmingly male employee base . . . Only 36 percent of Uber' s work force is made up of women, while the technology jobs at the company — some 85 percent — are overwhelmingly held by men.

As H.R. representatives at Uber, we take the data from our recent diversity report very seriously, and have formed a coalition to address the growing need for more inclusive policies to support our female employees. These new policies demonstrate our commitment to insuring that the fourteen women who work here are treated with the utmost respect by their three hundred and sixty-eight thousand male colleagues.

In Meetings: Should a question be posed during a group session, speak up, by all means! Your uniquely female voice is invaluable to us. That said, please continue to take notes for the group while you speak, since your male colleagues will need them when they go off and make the important decisions later. Coffee breaks during especially long meetings are natural and to be expected. We just ask that you take everyone's order before leaving the room. And smile more, while you’re at it!

Sexual Harassment: We want to underscore that any complaint of sexual harassment by a female employee will be investigated swiftly and with the utmost discretion. We do not take this issue lightly! To that end, we have outlined some general guidelines, should you find yourself in any of the following uncomfortable situations:

If a male co-worker sends you a dick pic: Delete it immediately! If you accidentally open an attachment that causes a virus, you will be in direct violation of our I.T. policies and your employment with us will be terminated.

If a male co-worker gropes you: Consider what you were wearing before filing a complaint. Was your skirt too short? Were you exposing cleavage? Were you in the same room as a man? If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, take a long walk and consider your role in all this. If, after the walk, you still insist on filing a complaint, write the circumstances down in detail, ball the paper up, and throw it in the trash. This will make you feel better and is what we would have done with your complaint anyway.

Promotions/Women in Management: In the unlikely case that a female employee is promoted, please let us know, as we’ve never heard of this occurring and are highly skeptical that it can. In the impossible event that a female employee is promoted to an executive-level position, please take cover, as we’re certain this means the world is about to end.

Motherhood: Congratulations! We absolutely adore babies and highly encourage all of our female employees to procreate just as soon as they resign. Should you tragically find yourself pregnant while still employed here, we recommend quitting immediately, as your self-indulgent maternity leave will place a giant burden on our fragile organization, and it’s hard to imagine us warmly welcoming you back after you’ve become a mother (ick!). But, rest assured, you can always brag to the other moms at the playground that you were once gainfully employed by one of Fortune's “100 Best Companies to Work for If You Are a White Male.”

Unconscious Bias: We know this is important, but we are unsure what it is. We will formulate a policy regarding it once we have been sufficiently informed of the definition of this term, and are certain that it affects gender diversity, which it might?