It was a professional football league that lasted for one season 19 years ago, but memories of the XFL are surprisingly vivid. . . . The old XFL celebrated its edginess, even promising glimpses into the cheerleaders’ locker rooms. “We are gimmick-free,” the new league president, Jeffrey Pollack, said. “And we don’t even have cheerleaders.”

—The Times.

Good news, football fans! The X.F.L. is back. That’s right, the X-Treme Football League returned on February 8th with X-TREME personalities, X-TREME fans, and X-TREME game play! But X-Actly how does the X.F.L. revolutionize and X-Treme-alize the boring old No Fun League? To answer your questions, we have created this helpful guide to usher you through the X-Citing, X-Cessive, and X-Treme game of X.F.L. football!

Each team gets only one helmet. Perhaps you remember last year when Myles Garrett completely bonked what’s-his-name on the head with his own helmet. Well, some people had a problem with this, so to address the issue the X.F.L. has dramatically reduced the number of helmets in the game.

Everyone stands for the national anthem. And by “national anthem” we mean Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba,” and by “stands” we mean shreds an air guitar.

No weather delays. Imagine this scene. Fourth and nine. Late in the game. Clouds roll in. The running back catches the ball out of the backfield. Lightning crashes all around him. BOW! BOW! BLAMMO! He shrugs off linebackers and weaves through bolts of pure electricity en route to a sixty-yard score! I mean, that’d be pretty rad, right?

Some players get to use wheels. Whatever that means to you.

When you score a touchdown, you get to shoot a gun. One time. Anywhere you want. It can be at the other team, but it doesn’t have to be.

Mandatory reality television. The N.F.L. produces the HBO hit “Hard Knocks.” Well, get ready for the X.F.L.’s own “Knocks That Aren’t as Hard, but We Hope the Game of Football Is So Popular/Profitable That People Will Watch Anything Even Remotely Related to It.” Coming this month to CBS All Access!

Unique salary structure. I’ll tell you right now, we will not have enough money to pay our players. So we’ll be passing a hat around the stadium to help these guys out. Please be generous.

No Gatorade on the sidelines. We have reached an exclusive deal to make Twisted Tea® the official alcoholic-iced-tea beverage of the X.F.L. Hydrate responsibly!

Therefore, no Gatorade baths. Twisted Tea® is too delicious, valuable, and refreshing to waste dumping on the winning coach. Hope you like scalding-hot coffee, skipper!

Every team will be named for a racial slur. In the N.F.L., Washington is the most notable franchise marketing itself using an outdated, hateful, and ignorant phrase. Not anymore! Keep an eye out for the Seattle ********, the St. Louis *****, and, of course, the Tampa Bay *****************.

Old, old players. Tom Brady says he wants to play until he’s forty-five. Well, we’ve beaten the N.F.L. once again. They may not run fast, throw deep, or remember their children’s birthdays, but our players know where they were when Kennedy was shot.

Cheap franchises, perfect for real-estate moguls. President Trump has long dreamed of owning an N.F.L. team, but you usually have to be a billionaire to do so. Therefore, we’re dramatically lowering the price of an X.F.L. franchise so Donny can get in on the action.

All replays handled by Dennis. We’re tired of élite league officials in New York pushing their liberal agenda with these replay decisions. In the X.F.L., if there is a questionable call on the field, we’ll text our pal Dennis to get his gut reaction. He’s usually good with this stuff. I mean, the guy guesses the winner of “The Bachelor” every season.

The captain of the winning team gains the ancient right of primae noctis. This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Premium defensive celebrations. To insure that our sack and interception celebrations are second to none, each defensive player will be required to complete the acting program at N.Y.U.’s Tisch School of the Arts. Ultimately, these celebrations won’t be “entertaining,” but they just might make you think.

Let’s give the ladies something to look at. Hogs out, fellas!

Weird uniforms. If there is one thing that I can promise you about the X.F.L. (and all future alternative football leagues), it’s that the uniforms will be jarring to behold.

There you have it! Now that you’re an expert on the X.F.L., we’ll see you next week, when the ****** take on the **********. Presented by Twisted Tea®. ♦