The institution of marriage is under attack, and Monday morning the blitz begins - men marrying men and women wedding women at courthouses throughout Alabama. The hour is at hand.

Same sex-couples will have the legal right to be institutionalized, just like everybody else.

Not even the Holier-than-thou Trinity of Roy Moore, Rick and Bubba could turn back the assault.

They have implored probate judges to recognize only the biblical definition of marriage, so I decided to crack the holy book to see what that means. The Bible, it seems, has at least as many definitions of marriage as a Webster's dictionary.

The book of Deuteronomy has some strange rules for biblical courtship.

Trigger Warning for anyone sensitive to certain subject matter, or for that matter anyone who has a conscience and/or who thinks that women are not property - things are about to get a little rapey. Just skip to the bold type a little farther down.

The institution of marriage was under attack, and not even the Holier-than-thou Trinity of Roy Moore, Rick and Bubba could turn it back.

For instance, if you're fighting in a war and you see a good looking woman you like, if you can catch her, then you can keep her. (Deuteronomy 21:10-14) You don't have to have her consent, but you do have to shave her head, cut her nails and strip off the clothes she was wearing when you caught her. Next, you have to give her a month to mourn her parents, who you presumably killed when carting her off. After that, you are man and wife.

However, if you decide later that you don't like her, you can't kill her or sell her into slavery. So there's a downside.

Technically all of this might be a war crime, but thanks to a state constitutional amendment passed last fall, Alabama doesn't recognize that sort of foreign law thing any more than Roy Moore recognizes the authority of federal courts.

If you're not the war-going type of suitor, there are still options on the home front. If a man rapes a woman who's not engaged, he has to marry her. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29) Again, the woman gets no choice, which seems to be kind of a theme here.

First, though, he must give her father 50 shekels of silver. Today the Israeli New Sheqel exchanges at about a four for a dollar. Even someone serving time for a rape charge should be able to scratch together thirteen bucks.

Again, there are hazards to avoid. If you rape a woman who is engaged or already married, you'll be put to death. (Deuteronomy 22:25-28) Also, if you take this route, you can never under any circumstances divorce the woman. However, if she sleeps with someone whom she actually loves, that's adultery, for which she must be stoned to death at the city gates.

The good news is that, for much of the Bible, the Almighty seems to have no problem with a man having multiple wives at the same time. King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (1 Kings 11:3) I don't even know how that works but it must make the holidays awkward. You'd need a small sports stadium just for Thanksgiving dinner.

On the other side of the gender equation ... Wait, what am I saying? There's only one side to this. If a woman has multiple husbands at the same time, that's adultery. Again, stoning.

OK, we're past the raping and killing part now.

I know what you're probably thinking right now: Kyle, you're cherry-picking little bits and pieces of the Bible to make a ridiculous argument.

The thing here is that everyone is cherry-picking.

Religions are grocery stores with many shelves, and you get to pick what you put in your cart. If you want to shop for junk that's going to make you sick, that's your prerogative. If you want to stick to the outer aisles where most of the unprocessed, healthy things are, you can do that, too.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

So I'm going to put that in my basket, and when I get to the checkout line, if I see a few same-sex couples here and there who want to get married, I'm going to be happy for them and wish them the best.

Because the definition of marriage is between two people. They define what it means to them the same way couples may write their own wedding vows -- without any editing from the government.

And those politicians and professional blowhards who huff and puff about marriage being an institution under assault can go worry about the state's other institutions - prisons, mental hospitals and schools. You know, the ones that need help.

The institution of marriage will be just fine on its own.