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Man Utd 1 – 2 Man City

Guardiola’s men put on an impressive display to beat their Manchester rivals at Old Trafford in Saturday’s early kick-off.

Forget Pacquiao vs Mayweather. Forget The Force Awakens. The hype surrounding this Manchester derby dwarfed even that of last year’s Eastenders Christmas episode. And just like Eastenders, it didn’t disappoint.

City came out of the blocks straight away, testing the resolve of Utd’s centre backs Eric Bailly and Daily Grind. The pair have been impressive so far this season, but here they looked as though they had been possessed by the fat kids who were forced to play in defence in your school PE lessons.

Conversely, the pitch may as well have been made of Memory Foam for Guardiola’s men, who looked so comfortable on the ball that Nolito later admitted to stealing a quick nap in the first half, the cheeky bastard. It wasn’t long before that stark contrast reared its head.

A simple flick-on from Aguero’s replacement Kelechi I’llhavetheNachos into the path of Kevin de Bruyne, who is currently being investigated by police on suspicion of stealing the ball from a Blind man. The albino Belgian finished well, and Man City soon added to their tally when the two men switched roles: KdB’s shot rebounding off the post and falling kindly to I’llhavetheNachos, who duly tapped in.

The game looked out of site for Utd, who, except from a trademark 30-yard miss from Pogba, had failed to register an attempt on goal. That all changed when Claudia Bravo – who won a Blue Peter competition to play for Man City earlier this month – fumbled a Wayne Rooney cross into the path of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, whose sublime finish offered his team an unexpected lifeline going in at the break.

But Pep put the “Guard” in Guardiola, and put on a resilient second half display to keep a much-improved United at bay. A huge win for City. A reality check for United.

*My tip: The much transferred in Raheem Pound Sterling was relatively ineffective in this fixture. Kevin De Bruyne played a deeper role but drifted into advanced positions regularly.*

Arsenal 2 – 1 Southampton

Santi Cazorla’s 94th minute penalty earned his side three points against a stubborn Southampton side.

With wildcards-a-plenty this GW, there was lots of interest surrounding this game: particularly concerning the popular midfield options of Mesut Ozil and Dirty Sanchez. Things didn’t start well, with Sanchez on the bench and Tadic forcing Petr Cech into an own-goal with a first-half free kick. The Serbian – hotly tipped to do something point-worthy eventually – later issued a statement to say he was waiting for every last FPL manager to get rid of him first.

Despite Southampton’s rigid defensive organisation, Arsenal’s persistence paid off: first in the form of a spectacular Laurent Koscielny overhead kick – yes, you did read that right – and then by a last gasp Santi Cazorla penalty, after Jose Fonte touched Olivier Giroud’s hair.

New signings Mufasa from the Lion King and Perez both started the game, with the latter failing to make a meaningful impact on his debut. Mufasa, meanwhile, seemed at ease in his new surroundings, crediting the centre-circle of life for his composure on the ball.

*My tip: Santi Cazorla looks like a cheaper, reliable way into the Arsenal midfield.*

Bournemouth 1 – 0 West Brom

Callum WILSON!’s ingenuitive late finish was enough to earn his side their first win of the new season.

With this GW shaping up to be about as pleasant as urinal splash back, West Brom’s defence was beginning to look like our saviour. McAuley – our Messiah in this story – is currently owned by 22% of FPL managers, and looked to be cruising toward yet another clean sheet against a lively Bournemouth side.

In addition, 16% of us were probably rubbing our hands together at the prospect of another Foster clean sheet too. More clean sheets than a Travelodge, we thought, kicking back in our chairs and cracking open another beer – like the smug wankers we are. We were wrong. A sublime finish from Callum Wilson was all it took, and our Gameweek went from “pretty piss poor” to “fuck off I don’t want to play this anymore”.

“I never liked this game anyway” said long-time FPL fanatic John Wankstone, scratching the tattoo on his forehead of his highest ever rank and fighting back the tears. “I only do it for a laugh” he added, before breaking down.

The result is a fantastic one for Bournemouth, and offers up yet another 3rd striker option in Callum Wilson.

*My tip: Adam Smith, the Bournemouth full-back and Economist, now has 1 goal and 1 assist to his name. He looks to be a threat going forward.*

Burnley 1 – 1 Hull

Hull’s impressive start to the season continued with a dramatic late equaliser against Burnley from a Snodgrass free kick.

In what is probably the most exotic fixture in the Premier League calendar, Burnley and Hull looked to be battling out a gritty but goalless draw on Saturday afternoon. Defour’s 30-yard strike changed the complexion of the game, shifting it from a dead, leathery Mike Phelan-esque complexion to the charming, playful freckles of Sean Dyche’s mush. The match was alive, and if Mike Phelan prefers his football like he prefers his women, this was bad news for the Hull City caretaker.

To Phelan’s credit, he managed to steer his side to another point, despite having to tend to Sean Dyche’s personal toilet at half time after the Burnley manager had given birth to last night’s curry. “We call it the Shaun Dyke Steamer in the care taking trade” explained Phelan in the post-match press conference. “I could barely see for the 2nd half, but I’m happy with the point”.

Snodgrass – who scored a hat-trick for Scotland during the international break – looks like he’s going to be essential for Hull if they’re to stay up this season.

*My tip: Snodgrass could be a fantastic budget midfielder this season, but he may be let down by his team.*

Middlesbrough 1 – 2 Crystal Palace

Crystal Palace won their first game of the season on Saturday and, in doing so, inflicted Middlesbrough’s first defeat of the campaign.

Benteke opened the scoring for Crystal Palace in typical Benteke fashion: a powerful header that actually left Victor Valdes without a face. Middlesbrough defender Ayala was not to be out-headed, however, and planted his own face-destroyer to level things up before half time.

Palace entered the game at a disadvantage, when it emerged Middlesbrough manager Kawanka had cut the brake cables on Paper Souare’s Ford Escort before the game. The defender, who had to be airlifted onto Alan Pardew’s lap after the accident, has since been comforted by the Crystal Palace manager, who today offered some clarification on the accident. “Paper lost both his legs and a substantial part of his left bum cheek, but other than that he’s fine.” When quizzed about when he might return, Pardew replied “he may be legless, but that still makes him about as good as our other defenders. I expect him to be back in 3 weeks.”

A defensive error lead to Palace’s second, with Zahahaha capitalising on Friend’s error at the back. Middlesbrough will learn from this and Palace can take heart from what could well turn out to be an important 3 points in this campaign.

*My tip: Zaha looked threatening throughout the match, but Benteke should provide ample coverage for Palace’s attacking options.*

Stoke 0 – 4 Tottenham

Tottenham consolidated their unbeaten start to this season with a ruthless victory over winless Stoke.

I don’t know about you, but I had forgotten about Son. No doubt there was 1 FPL-hipster who had him triple captained, but the majority of us were shocked to even see his name on the team sheet. “Son? Whose Son? Has Harry Kane had kids?”

The Korean midfielder buried 2 beautifully taken goals and played a pivotal role in seeing his side dominate their hosts. With so many worried about Kane’s form, owners of the forward will be overjoyed with his performance as he proved, beyond reasonable doubt, that he’s capable of finishing from 3 yards into an empty net. Deli Counter also demonstrated his worth after capping off a stylish team goal before offering a pound of Edam to a hungry Spurs fan.

Stoke, meanwhile, looked a shadow of the side that teams have feared to visit for so long. Their woeful performance was perhaps best encapsulated when their manager, Mark Hughes, was dismissed in the first half for rubbing his penis against the 4th official – something that was outlawed last season. Hughes remained defiant that his sending-off had nothing to do with the outcome of the match, despite strong evidence to suggest that Spurs did in fact score 4 goals after he was told to leave.

The Potters look to be a team in disarray. Their typically strong defence is about as reliable as a blind watch-maker, and they are probably best avoided until they find some remnant of form.

*My tip: Tottenham are firing again… like we need more options.*

West Ham 2 – 4 Watford

Watford staged an impressive comeback to deny West Ham their 2nd home win of the season.

Before we discuss anything regarding this match, we need to address the filth. Start running a bath now, because I’m going to be talking about that rabona assist from Dimitri Payet. Even typing it makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. It was a thing of beauty that should probably be outlawed, but it tee’d up teammate Antonio for his 4th goal in as many games this season.

West Ham looked back to their 15/16 best. Payet came back from France with his anus stuffed full of confidence, style and swagger – how he got it through customs I’ll never know. It looked to be exactly what West Ham had been lacking prior to this fixture.

I don’t even want to talk about the shameful acts Watford must have resorted to in the 8 minutes that followed Antonio’s 2nd, because their fortunes suddenly shifted. All I know is, it involved Walter Mazzarri, a tub of Vaseline and a toilet plunger. A deflected goal from Ighalo and a piece of mastery from his strike partner Drake Deeney, and the teams went in at the break level.

West Ham’s problems were confounded in a second half that saw some woeful defending and yet another bloody goal from everyone’s favourite bench fodder, Etienne Capoue. Defender and subject of Gwen Stefani’s “Holebas Girl” Jose Holebas added a 4th to seal a fantastic display at the new London Stadium.

*My tip: Despite defeat, Payet looked fantastic on his return. Quality is permanent and Payet will inevitably rack up points this season.*

Liverpool 4 – 1 Leicester City

Last year’s champions continued their underwhelming start to the season with a heavy defeat against an irresistible Liverpool.

Liverpool are going to score lots of goals this season. There. Am I an FPL guru now? It will take a bloody impressive defence to keep these guys at bay. At this point you’re probably wondering if I am the as yet unidentified scout on the official FPL site. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not. If I were the scout, people might actually read what he has to say.

Leicester were offered a glimpse of hope when Liverpool’s Lucas provided an assist of such quality it almost eclipsed Payet’s, with a poked through ball straight into Vardy’s path. Leicester were unable to take advantage, however, and 2nd half goals from Firmino and Lallana rounded off an emphatic win for Plopp’s men.

The Champions are losing fans on a daily basis after a shaky start to the 16/17 season. “It was a good 6 months” says ex-Leicester fan Joel Meltley, “but all good things must come to an end. At the end of the day, how am I expected to boast about a 4-1 defeat to Liverpool? Last season we probably beat them so it’s a real shame.”

*My tip: the sooner you invest in some Liverpool midfielders the happier you’ll be.*

Swansea 2 – 2 Chelsea

An entertaining affair saw a dominant Chelsea settle for a 2-2 draw against the Swans in Wales.

When Diego Costa fired in his first goal of the night, the match looked to be sealed. Such was the dominance of Chelsea, who, despite never appearing to lose control of the game, emerged from it having conceded 2 goals. It was a strange night for Cunte’s men, who must have felt hard done by after being thwarted not once but twice by some eyebrow-raising referee decisions.

Costa looked visibly rattled when he emerged from the team-coach. The Spaniard had not understood the concept of Wales and had assumed their confusing language was just how English people spoke outside of London. His confusion did not manifest itself on the pitch, however, as the Spaniard bagged himself 2 well taken goals.

Unlike Sam Allardyce’s wife, Swansea refused to just lie down and take it. A pacey counter-attack lead to a stonewall penalty which Milfi Siggurdson cooly converted. A few minutes later they went ahead after Leroy Fer appeared to foul Gary Cahill and convert through the legs of Courtois. A controversial goal, but one that sent the Swansea faithful into raptures.

The droves of FPL managers, already incredibly depressed from a terrible Saturday, turned to The Garden of Eden Hazard for solace. With Chelsea on the back-foot, they too needed their talismanic midfielder to exert his influence onto the game. We felt dirty, cheering on Chelsea, but desperate as well. As Walter Mazzarri will testify, sometimes we have to get dirty in times of desperate need. Unfortunately, Hazard didn’t come to our rescue. He got booked instead. Tosser.

Swansea couldn’t hold their lead, but will take heart from a spirited performance in front of their home fans. Chelsea, meanwhile, relinquish their 100% start to the season and might well feel aggrieved not to have taken home the 3 points.

*My tip: As much as Costa is continuing to look like a necessity, I would urge to reconsider on the basis that he is a cunt.*

Sunderland 0 – 3 Everton

Lukaku’s 2nd half hat-trick saw off a lack-lustre performance from Moyes’ men at the Stadium of Light.

With Aguero’s suspension, the choice between Costa and Lukaku was one that dominated this GW’s decision making for many FPL managers. My personal rule of thumb is “always avoid the twat” and it paid dividends on Monday night. The Belgian chocolate dominated the aerial battles, and constant service from the trio of Bolasie, Deulofeu and Mirallas made it difficult for the Sunderland defence to contain him.

Barkley owners might be concerned after Everton manager Ronald Weasley took him off at half-time, for the rather petty reason that the English midfielder was playing like a fucking mule. But Everton showed once again that they are a force to be reckoned with – not just offensively, but defensively also. The experience of their back 4, combined with the energy and exuberance of defensive midfielder Gueye, made it very hard for Sunderland to penetrate.

The result means Sunderland fans are now officially the most miserable bastards in the UK, knocking NHS workers into 2nd place. David Moyes looked a forlorn figure on the touchline, as his desperate yelling fell onto deaf ears – quite literally in the case of Jermaine Defoe, who lost his hearing at the age of 72 last year.

*My tip: It was always a case of “when”, not “if” in the case of Lukaku. He, like so many, could compete for that 3rd striker slot.*

More Gameweek 5 Articles:

– Captain Tips For Gameweek 5

– Guy’s Five Tips For Gameweek 5