BOONE, NC — A recent research paper published by Dr. Peter Niedermayer of the Appalachian State Department of Applied Mathematics has officially declared parking anywhere within the town limits of Boone to be mathematically impossible, confirming what many residents have already suspected for years.

“We surveyed many people who stated that parking anywhere in town felt virtually impossible, so we decided to study the parking environment more closely,” said Niedermayer of his research. “Turns out that sticking a Division I university in a small, isolated mountain town introduces more cars than available space, making parking an exercise in futility.”

Any seemingly available parking spaces are located on private property, all but ensuring that a couple of hicks in an outdated sedan with a magnetic sign stuck on the side will arrive to boot your car within fifteen minutes, requiring $120 to be removed.

“What a great victory for private property and the corporate values that we strive to instill in the great town of Boone,” said Chancellor Sheri Everts. “As a university, we are so honored that the surrounding community has so fully embraced our mission of squeezing as much money as possible from 20,000 sucker college kids in as many needless and trivial ways possible.”

At press time, dozens of cars could be seen circling the town limits in a desperate search for a parking spot that simply does not exist.