Detroit, MI—

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos made a public appearance at an elementary school in Detroit, Michigan, this morning, and there she congratulated the students for their efforts despite the debilitating neglect their school is suffering thanks to her department’s budget cuts and social Darwinist policies.

“We would love nothing more than to be able to afford to give you kids clean water,” explained Secretary DeVos, “But the lacrosse players at the school I own, Christian Rich Children’s Academy, need new cleats and jerseys because their cleats and jerseys are a year old now, and, well, the boys and girls at CRCA are cleaner than all of you, so that’s where the tax dollars are going to go. It’s like you’re trying to be unemployable already in the fifth grade. But I suppose I should’t be mad at all of you, it’s not your fault. You’re all just unlucky that your parents were poor. Your entire zip code is quite pitiful. But let me tell all of you that I am so proud of how hard you’re working despite the obstacles of childhood poverty laid out in front of you keeping you forever behind the rich kids at Christian Rich Children’s Academy. Keep it up, little ones, and maybe you can work hard enough to become janitors at CRCA and work for me someday… if you cut off all that nappy hair.”

Ms. DeVos then asked to use the teacher’s hand sanitizer, and shook all of the students’ hands while wearing latex gloves and a painting mask.

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