My Mom Interned at a Nonprofit and Now All Her Emails are Different

TO: Evan

FROM: The Mom Team

SUBJECT: It’s life and death

Son,

Can you take a moment to imagine what would happen if you died?

Can you see the funeral? Tears flowing down the cheeks of your father, your sister and even your cousin Robbie, maybe.

Soon we won’t have to just imagine that funeral. Because if the mold situation in your apartment gets any worse, your funeral could be just around the corner.

Remember that actress who starred in one of your favorite films during your rap phase, 8 Mile? She had a mold problem in her house — and now she’s no longer with us. Your dad and the Los Angeles County assistant chief coroner say her death wasn’t actually caused by mold, but Bing pointed me in the direction of a Daily Mail article that says otherwise.

Click this link to chip in so I can buy you a dehumidifier.

Your father has already put in $5. Your sister said she’d think about it. Now it’s your turn to chip in.

Let’s stamp out the damp,

Mom, for the Mom Team

P.S. If you can’t spare the money right now, because, as you’ve told me, it’s a really bad time for freelancing, there’s something else you can do.

Will you sign this petition for the Mom Team to buy you a dehumidifier for your birthday?

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TO: Evan

FROM: The Mom Team

SUBJECT: Just one coffee

Son,

We all want to change a person’s life for the better. Now you have that opportunity.

Recently, we discovered someone in desperate need of support. The Mom Team was meeting with your Auntie Jackie for coffee yesterday and she mentioned that her co-worker’s son, Andy, wants to get into the TV industry.

Andy was previously a McDonald’s All-American basketball player. That is, until he suffered a devastating knee injury. Now his career prospects are just like his ACL: torn. He’s trying to create a new path, and he needs your help.

The Mom Team knows you’ve interned on many TV shows and short films, and we have a question for you.

Will you meet with Andy for a coffee to tell him about the TV industry?

He doesn’t know exactly what he wants to do in TV, but inspired by a recent Michael Bay marathon, he decided that he couldn’t imagine himself in any other industry, except maybe Wall Street. The Mom Team thinks he could be successful, especially since he already has his own idea for a film. The Mom Team cannot remember the exact plot, but his pitch was “the Fast and the Furious, but on Mars.”

I’m sure he’d love to tell you all about it.

Click here to receive Andy’s email address and Instagram account (which has 2,000 more followers than yours) so you can get in contact today.

Thanks for making this possible,

Mom, for the Mom Team

P.S. Have you seen this video of Emma Stone lip syncing with Jimmy Fallon? The Mom Team thinks your sketch troupe would benefit from doing videos more like that.

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TO: Evan

FROM: The Mom Team

SUBJECT: Four Days. Alone. All by himself.

“It would be nice if I didn’t have to worry about it.”

– Your father.

Son,

As you may have heard, the Mom Team is going on holiday next week. After winning many tough campaigns on a diverse range of issues this year (the dehumidifier campaign, the moratorium on your sister getting a tattoo, and the successful introduce-your-girlfriend-to-your-grandparents petition) we think we deserve a break.

There’s just one problem: We’ll have to leave someone behind, and we’re not sure they would be able to cope.

That’s where you come in.

Will you look after our beloved golden retriever Bobby while we’re in Palm Springs this week?

The Mom Team will do whatever it takes to win this campaign. Even if that means conducting a one-person flash mob the next time we see you in the city for brunch with your girlfriend.

And yes, we know Bobby peed on your laptop last time you were over, but we’ve done some training with him, and we promise he won’t do it again.

So what do you think, Son?

Can you stay with Bobby this week and also do his three separate daily drug injections (instructions are on the kitchen table)?

Thanks for all that you do,

Mom, for the Mom Team