You have to know my wife to fully understand the total contradictions in her personality. This is an extremely kind and generous woman who is the mortar that keeps are home together. She has the wonderful ability to multi task throughout her day and continuously orchestrate the needs and demands of our family; all the while placing her needs at the bottom of the list. I consider myself to be a very fortunate man to have this wonderful individual in my life. But………..as I previously said…………….there are some contradictions………………………………….. A few posts back was one of those examples when Marty, our cat, decided to eat a honeybee that unfortunately got into our house. Click here if you missed that posts. But…….this week…….well…..just keep reading.

As I was saying………………though incredibly strong most times, this is an individual who feels totally justified to wake me from a deep sleep in order to let me know that I must annihilate a “creepy-crawly” bug that is in our kitchen sink. And…… as for the occasional small brown snake who is basking in the sun far away from our cottage…………….My wife’s solution is to run back into the cottage, lock all the doors and windows in our weekend retreat, and let the entire community on our quiet lake know by her scream that she has, once again, located another ferocious flesh eating 12 inch brown snake. Though I have unsuccessfully tried to reassure my Wife that a small brown snake has no real interest in “attacking” her, especially after…………… she has locked the front door…….I seldom meet with success.

So……..last Friday afternoon, my wife was busy doing what she does in order to keep our home running smoothly. All of a sudden, she hears a screech from the deck where Swiffer is basking in the sun. (According to my wife….”It wasn’t a screech…..you had to have heard this…..It was like something you have never heard before”.)

She runs through the house to find Swiffer being “attacked” by, what she thinks, is a squirrel. She immediately acquires the punting ability of an NFL athlete and launches the “squirrel” off the deck. The “squirrel” quickly circles back around, quickly climbs back up the four stairs and attacks again for round #2. My wife, in her 4 foot 11 inch frame, goes into Ninja mode, picks up a garden hoe and immediately moves into some martial arts moves that Miyagi from The Karate Kid would have been most proud of………..She manages to, once again, win another round and scoops up Swiffer and runs with the chicken towards the end zone and safely deposit her into the chicken coop. All the while……..that damn “squirrel” is fast on her trail. After successfully locking up the chicken, she once again goes into “Daniel-san” mode and launches another assault on the “squirrel”. This time…………..the “squirrel”…….backs off.

Then……….my wife sees an opening in the other team’s defensive line, fakes a right turn and runs back to the deck…..into the house…….and…………..locks all the doors and windows.

She immediately calls me at work and lets me know about the “squirrel”. I unsuccessfully try to calm her down and inform her that the behavior of the “squirrel” is not characteristic of this generally timid rodent. After a brief description of the assailant, I determine that it may……..possibly………….be a …………..weasel and send her a picture of one for recognition. She calls back in an instant and informs me that ………“Ohhhhh Myyyyyyyyyyyy God……….. IT IS A WEASEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Arriving home later that afternoon, I did see the weasel in the backyard and…………….. I am not proud to say,……… I do not possess the Karate-Kid skills of my Beloved Wife. Maybe I just need the proper gear like the pink bath robe and fuzzy kitty slippers in order to become the successful weasel Ninja that she has become.

In the mean time…………..Swiffer remains in “lock-up” and has no interest in coming down from the coop, though she is physically unharmed. Beloved Wife……………well….she had a couple of glasses of Chardonnay that night and has begun to move out from the “red-zone” by watching our Blue Jays defeat the Yankees in a four game series. And…..as for me………I think I’ll dust off The Karate Kid dvd, maybe try on those fuzzy kitty slippers and hope that Miyagi can teach this City Boy a few of his moves.

………….”Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important. “