“There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just “that way” and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men –masculine, manly men –ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers.” – Elder Boyd K. Packer, To Young Men Only, Priesthood Session, Oct. 1976. Reproduced and widely distributed as a pamphlet for youth.

“The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them” – Where the Church Stands, mormonsandgays.org, 2015.

A friend of mine died in a car accident in high school (mid 90s). I remember in the newspaper article about the accident her mother remarked that she was interested in social justice, and that she looked forward to the day when the LDS church would allow gays into full fellowship. I was so bothered at the time that her mother would “tarnish” her memory by bringing up such a silly idea. As a member of the church, it was so clear to me that homosexuality was contrary to God’s plan, and since God is never-changing, it was impossible that homosexuality would ever be acceptable to the church. This viewpoint was informed by the prevailing church teaching at the time that homosexuality was a choice; it was often the outcome of other poor decisions and sinful behavior; and it could be “healed.” However, as I grew older and met more homosexuals, I began to have questions about this. My changing thoughts on the topic paralleled the ongoing conversation in society at the time, and, as it turns out, they also paralleled the conversation happening at the highest levels of the church. Soon, society and the church both agreed that homosexuality was not a choice. Both eventually agreed that it could not be “healed.” It was no longer viewed by the church as a sin next to murder — now there was a much more nuanced view that one could be an active member of the church and in good standing, and also openly gay, as long as you don’t engage in pre-marital sex – the catch being that you can never marry.

These teachings from the church would have been unthinkable when I was a child, in an era when it was actively producing pamphlets that describe homosexuality as the worst perversion, next to murder in its seriousness. During my youth, the church funded gay-to-straight camps, supported gay aversion research, including electro shock therapy, and taught parents to distance themselves from gay children. It has become clear to me that the church’s stance on homosexuality has been wrong for a long time, and is still wrong. It mirrors the stance that the church held on blacks, in that it seemed impossible to church members that God would ever change his mind on an issue that was so “clearly” fundamental and basic. And yet, substantive, doctrinal changes have occurred in both areas in recent years, and I believe that they will continue to do so.

“The family is ordained of God. It is the most important unit in time and in eternity. Even before we were born on the earth, we were part of a family… Exaltation in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom can be attained only by those who have faithfully lived the gospel of Jesus Christ and are sealed as eternal companions…In this commandment, the word cleave means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave to God and one another by serving and loving each other and by keeping covenants in complete fidelity to one another and to God…A couple is to become one in establishing their family as the basis of a righteous life. Latter-day Saint husbands and wives leave behind their single life and establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives. They allow no other person or interest to have greater priority in their lives than keeping the covenants they have made with God and each other.”” – Handbook 2: Administering the Church (quoting the The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995).

The current church stance on homosexuality is improved, but far from acceptable. “While same-gender attraction is real, there must be no physical expression of this attraction. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone” (Holland, 2007). It seems impossible to me to ask a gay person to live a celibate life — to teach them from birth that loving a partner, marrying and raising a family is the most important experience in life, and then deny them the opportunity to do so.

The church currently wants to make the false corollary that this is the same request that is made of single members of the church. This is quite simply not the case. Single members of the church always have the hope that they will eventually find someone to partner with, and that it is at least possible for them to experience this highest sacrament. If that does not happen for them in this life, they are taught that it will happen in the next. The position of single adults in the church is very difficult, no doubt, but they are not taught that they are fundamentally flawed. Not only can gay members not fully express their love to someone in this life (even once they have found that person who loves them back!), but they are also taught that their greatest desires won’t be fulfilled in the next life either. Rather they will simply go away. How devastating to gay members of the church.

These teachings have and continue to contribute to depression and suicide among gay members. Families have been broken, and relationships destroyed. I am fine with the idea that gay members should be asked to live a monogamous lifestyle within the church, but cannot imagine a just God that would ask for more. It also seems most likely to me that within 15-20 years, the older generation of church leaders will have passed on, and a new revelation will come out describing the joyous change that allows homosexual members to participate in all ordinances of the church, including having families.

“But we can’t truly love the neighbors next door if we don’t love the neighbors under our own roof. Family members with same-sex attraction need our love and understanding. God loves all his children alike, much more than any of us can comprehend, and expects us to follow….As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.” – mormonsandgays.org, 2015

“Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship in the church, which includes holding the priesthood, carrying out callings, and attending the temple. Unlike in times past, the Church does not necessarily advise those with same-sex attraction to marry those of the opposite sex.” – mormonsandgays.org, 2015

The church is trying to address homosexuality in a more loving way, but it is taking a long time. Where should a good member stand during these times of transition? I would not have wanted to be the last bishop to deny a black member a temple recommend, and I don’t want to be the last young men’s leader teaching a gay priesthood holder that they will need to live a celibate life.

“Unfortunately, some people believe they have all the answers now and declare their opinions far and wide. Fortunately, such people do not speak for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.” – Elder Jeffry R. Holland, Helping Those Who Struggle With Same Gender Attraction, Oct 2007