I Don’t Want to Be Rich, I Just Want to Be Comfortable Enough to Be Invited to One of Those ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ Sex Parties

I’m a simple man that likes the simple things in life. I like rare steak, cold beer, and fishing on Sundays. Unlike some of the more greedy people in this world – I don’t want to be a billionaire, I just want to pay off my mortgage, send my kids to college, and get invited to one of those ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ sex parties.

I’m not stupid, I’m sure one has to be pretty well-off to get invited to a fancy New York penthouse and have sex with a group of beautiful strangers. How much do you think a guy has to pull down to get an invite like that? 100k a year? 200k? I own my own inground pool installation company, so I am not struggling.

I don’t even know how to go about finding these parties. Do you just start getting invitations once you’re making enough money, like platinum credit card applications? Look, I’m the son of a farmer and a homemaker, I don’t know how these things work. But trust me, I’m not an ignorant country boy.

Are these orgies like pot-lucks? Do we change whose house it is at every month? Because I have a fridge in the garage full of Coors and pizza bites in the freezer. I can be ready to host at a moment’s notice. I should probably put a tarp down, that rug is an heirloom from my great-grandmother.

I see on the TV these billionaires going to jail because they just don’t know when to stop – no amount of money is ever enough. But not me. All I want is to be able to dress like a glittery Phantom of the Opera while nailing some anonymous chick in a robe and mask. Like I said, I’m a simple man.

Shoot, do you think I have to buy my disguise or can I just rent it somewhere and have it cleaned?