Spoilers ahead!

It’s not often that major reality television events find their way to our neck of the woods — 77 square miles surrounded by reality TV, amirite? — but it looks like that’s about to change with Season 13 of ABC’s The Bachelorette.

One Madison man is apparently well on his way to making a network TV love connection. The latest season, which premieres on May 22, is a pretty big deal for the show. The star, Rachel Lindsay, is the first African American to be the main focus of any of the Bachelor-related properties. The fact that it took this long to spotlight a person of color in the sprawling Bachelor world — which includes the two flagship shows and spinoffs like Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor Live and Bachelor in Paradise: After Paradise, is its own whole issue. Lindsay, a charming and whip-smart attorney from Dallas, Texas, made it to the top four last year with third-time’s-the-charm bachelor Nick Viall.

Thanks to some not-so-subtle laps around the Dane County Farmers' Market a month ago, the cat is already out of the bag. Peter Kraus, who owns Worth Personal Training, will make it at least as far as the “Hometown” episode. So let’s all go ahead and get invested in him, right? Right!

Perusing Peter’s entry on ABC’s site, which just went live on Wednesday night, reveals practically nothing interesting about him compared to the other contestants. His favorite movie is Saving Private Ryan, his favorite TV show is Modern Family and his biggest fears are heights and deep water. Booooring. Even his listed occupation, “Business Owner,” seems like it’s a sanded-down version of what could just as legitimately been “Personal Trainer” or “Male Model” (avid Joseph A. Bank shoppers would probably recognize him). This is the show where other occupations include a “Tickle Monster” (Jonathan, 31), whatever a “Whaboom” is (Lucas, 30) and, perhaps least impressive, an “Aspiring Drummer” (Blake E., 31), just to give you a sense of what the shallow end of the pool looks like this season.

Is Peter really that lame, or did the producers purposefully cut out his answers to some of their more bonkers questions? “If you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be made of?” got some insane answers, like “Chipotle because Chipotle is my life” (Blake K., 29), “Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream” (Dean, 26). Most disconcerting of all: “Probably those flesh-eating plants from Life of Pi” (Anthony, 26). C’mon, Anthony. You could do so much better for yourself in this hypothetical situation.

Other contestants worth keeping your eye on? How about Bryce, a 30-year-old firefighter who “Caught a girl's hair on fire once while having sex” (you had one job!) and whose biggest date fear is “The chick is actually a dude.” Sounds like a winner! Then there’s Jack Stone, a 32-year-old attorney whose name is so awesome that he’s the only guy who gets the full first-and-last-name treatment. Jack Stone’s most embarrassing moment? “Getting caught masturbating.” Fill in your own puns, folks. This is a family-friendly publication, after all.

Stay tuned for updates on Peter’s journey. And, of course, please sound off on social media about the assortment of mutant ding-dongs Lindsay weeds out during these early episodes. I’m lookin’ at you, Information Systems Supervisor Alex, who considers having eaten “a live salamander” the most outrageous thing he’s ever done!