According to the Population Reference Bureau, the proportion of Americans age 25 to 34 who have never been married went up from 35 percent to 46 percent between 2000 and 2009. Here are some of the reasons young people are no longer marrying:

Perfect church to get married in completely booked up until 2018

Roommates not cool with adding wife to the mix

All the good ideas for wedding-based viral videos have been taken

Every single remaining young person unattractive

Can still fuck, cook meals, and watch movies together without a piece of paper

Fear of spending, on average, $19,581 on something that has a 52 percent chance of failure

Jeremy

Only videographer in town also ex-girlfriend

More fun to wait until 35 or older, when procreating becomes a thrilling gamble