Anthony Bowie should be so proud. Oh, the stories he'll tell his grandchildren about the time he got a triple-double - the highlight of his career. He'll bounce the little ones on his knee, describing the milestone assist, the perfect pass to teammate David Vaughn and the flawless dunk while the Detroit Pistons watched from the sideline.

Or better yet, Bowie can get together with his former Orlando teammates and relive other great moments, such as the time the Magic almost won a game in the 1995 NBA Finals. Or maybe they'll recall the year they almost had a winning road record. What a thrill that was.

The Orlando Magic, America's Great Pretenders, are compiling quite a history. The Magic put on another dazzling show Tuesday against the Pistons, again showing why Orlando represents everything that's wrong with professional sports.

In case you missed it, the Magic called a timeout with 2.7 seconds left, leading by 20 points. Bowie was one assist away from his first (and probably last) triple-double. Orlando coach Brian Hill, an escapee from the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs exhibit at Disney World, stood by as the Magic completed the most ridiculous display of unsportsmanlike behavior since J.R. Reid performed a root canal on A.C. Green.

Coach Doug Collins reacted angrily - which is understandable - and pulled the Pistons off the court as Bowie got his hard-earned assist. Collins made a mockery of Bowie, who was making a mockery of the Pistons.

The move cost Collins a $5,000 fine, but it's money well spent. It might spawn a bitter rivalry, and it also sends the petulant Pretenders a message they seem incapable of comprehending.

This was not an isolated judgment error by the Magic.

This was the cumulative effect of immaturity by a team that won't win a title in our lifetimes, yet acts as if it already had. On the final play alone, the Magic made three mistakes:

- First, they called the timeout.

- Then Hill was too wimpy to stop the foolishness.

- Then, even after the Magic saw the Pistons sitting down, they ran the play anyway.

But, hey, everyone makes mistakes. As long as they acknowledge it and apologize, we can forgive. So, Anthony, you feel pretty bad?

"I'm sorry they're upset, but I just felt this was an opportunity to get a triple-double," Bowie said. "I didn't want to make anyone mad, but I'll take it any way I can get it."

He took it the only way he could get it - tainted. Of course, the Magic just don't get it, and never will.

"I'm glad for (Bowie)," Shaquille O'Neal said. "I could care less if Doug Collins is mad. What's he going to do, come over here and try to head-butt me?"

No Collins isn't dumb enough to hit something that hard. Shaq and Penny Hardaway are the main Mouseketeers on a team that's all glitz and no guts. They're perfect for Orlando, a city of artificiality and corporate excess, of dizzy rides and dopey dreams.

The Magic reached the Finals last year through sheer, stupid luck. The draft lottery Ping-Pong balls delivered Shaq and Penny, and Michael Jordan's rustiness delivered the conference title. Even Horace Grant, who came to Orlando from Chicago, knows it. After the Magic meekly succumbed to the Pistons last month, he suggested Orlando lacked heart.

I've said that for a year now. Shaq and Penny are fine individual talents who don't understand what it takes to win a championship. They won nothing in college, they'll win nothing in the NBA.