Dating Fail

Behold The Biggest Dating Fail

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I spend a lot of time writing at my local Starbucks. I could work from home, in theory, but most times my ADD prevents me from being even the least bit productive unless I’m out of the house. So last night I found myself sitting at the ubiquitous coffee conglomerate, working on a piece for this very website when two people came and sat down next to me. They were two 30-somethings of disparate levels of attractiveness — she was hot and he looked like Mr. Bean. As soon as they sat down a palpable nervous energy started emanating from between the two of them. It didn’t take long for me to realize that they were on an internet date… a bad one. I had headphones on at the time, but little did these wayward daters know that I was listening to Explosions In The Sky, a band with no vocalist. I could hear every word of their conversation.

I’m not going to lie; I eavesdropped on their entire date.

I couldn’t help myself. It was the proverbial car crash you can’t help but slow down and gawk at. That’s how painfully uncomfortable this thing was. But, as I have recently signed up for an online dating service myself and have yet to go on an actual web-facilitated date, this eavesdropping actually served a purpose. It gave me the perfect example of what a guy should absolutely, unequivocally, never ever do or say on any date of any kind, be it online or off. Please, never ask your date such riveting questions as…

“So… do you like music?”

No, bozo, this lady is repulsed by anything and everything with a melody. Are you serious? This is one of your first questions? That’s like a baseball coach sending out a goddamn donkey at the top of the order. It’s the equivalent of asking, “So, you don’t happen to eat food with your mouth by any chance, do you?” Now, if he were to have asked what kind of music she listened to, normal question. That’s a conversation starter. And even after having asked such a moronic initial question, if he realized it was worded poorly and made a joke out of it — totally cool. But cool, this guy was not. She responded: “Uhhh, sure,” as he nodded like a dope and moved on to his next brilliant musing. So that pointed query wasn't a means of transitioning into a conversation about music? You just really wanted to know if music was something she enjoyed!?

“Online dating is f*cking weird, right? I do this shit all the time and I still think it’s just so f*cking weird.”

This guy cursed like a sailor, and it obviously turned her off. Now, in her defense, she was obviously turned off the second she sat down, and rightfully so. Her date looked like the kind of guy who may or may not own a leather jacket with a Looney Tunes character emblazoned across the back. But the cherry on top of this repugnant sundae was the way this guy spoke. Now, don’t get me wrong, I curse, but I like to think that I do so at the proper times. My filth is calculated; a well-timed curse can be extremely funny. But if I were sitting across from a beautiful woman whom I’ve only just met, I wouldn’t refer to the temperature in Starbucks as “too f*ckin’ hot, ya’ know?” This guy couldn’t get laid in Hawaii.