Today we will be discussing “The 5 Love Languages” by the Christian author Gary Chapman. We will also be discussing some major points from Dr. John Gottman’s work.

Both of these authors shared influential knowledge that made a major impact in the current state of marriages. The 5 Love Languages is considered, by many, to be one of the most straightforward and helpful approaches to marriage improvement. Dr. John Gottman studied what makes good marriages tick, and what the warning signs of a failing marriage are, so that we can better avoid falling into those problems.

The 5 Love Languages basically states that we each have our own primary “love languages” in which we prefer. If your spouse or family member neglects this then it can lead to you feeling unloved despite their efforts. They are just communicating in a different “language”.

The 5 love languages are:

Words of Affirmation – Compliments, kind words, mentioning things you appreciate, etc. Acts of Service – Doing things the other person would appreciate such as filling the car tank with gas, mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, etc. Receiving Gifts – These individuals may not to be greedy but may associate feelings of happiness with getting gifts. This may stem from childhood and how their parents may have shown their love. It isn’t the gift itself, generally, but the positive feeling associated with being thought of that is appreciated. Quality Time – Going out together, seeing new things, cooking together, etc. Physical Touch – Getting a massage from your spouse, kisses, caresses, etc.

The amazing thing is that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh – Peace and blessings be upon him), and his companions, already taught us these things. If we follow the Quran and Sunnah, as it is meant to be followed, we can work towards achieving an ideal life in this life and the next.

Here are some examples:

Words of Affirmation – There are many examples of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) speaking kind words to and about his wives. We should follow his example. The Prophet said that value of ‘Ā’ishah (may Allāh be pleased with her) among women was the same value of tharīd (bread soaked in soup) compared to other foods. (Muslim) This was considered a compliment and praise due to the fact that this food was considered one of the best. The Prophet was once asked by ‘Amr b. al-‘Āṣ, “O Messenger of Allāh, who do you love most?” The Messenger of Allāh replied “‘Ā’ishah.” He was not afraid to speak out about his love for his wife. We should also do the same for our spouse. Acts of Service – Ibn ‘Abbās would always brush his hair and make sure his appearance is pleasing before entering his home, he would say, “Just as I would like my wife to beautiful for me, I like to look beautiful for her.” (Tirmidhi) We should do our best to beautify ourselves for our spouses (men and women alike) and look our best when we see them. This can help increase the love and attraction for each other. ‘Ā’ishah (may Allāh be pleased with her) reported: “When the messenger of Allāh was in the mosque he put his head in to my place and I combed his hair.” (Muslim) This one also doubles as physical touch and quality time! The Prophet was described by his wife that ‘he was in the service of his family’ (Bukhāri). He would help his family with sewing clothes, repairing items, sweeping, etc. Receiving Gifts – Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Give each other gifts and you will love each other.” For many this is the ultimate way to show affection. It truly can work to calm a touch situation, with a family member/spouse, and increase love between you as well. This may be one of the most effective methods. Quality Time – Giving your undivided attention is truly an important aspect, of a quality marriage, that many of us may be neglecting. This was also mentioned by Dr. John Gottman as “turning towards”. When our spouse/family members speak we should not only stop what we are currently doing but we should physically turn our bodies towards them and pay full attention. Based on my research the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) would do just this! He would turn his body to completely face the person speaking and would make eye contact. This is a beautiful habit and shows our undivided attention and love for others. We should do our best to acquire this noble attribute. He also waited his turn to speak and listened fully. Once, he was talking to Utba b. Rabia. He said, “O Abul-Walid! Speak! I am listening to you.” When Utba finished his speech and stopped, he asked, “O Abul-Walid! Have you finished speaking?” When he said, “Yes”, the Prophet started to speak by saying, “Then, listen to me now!” It is also recommended as a good quality to spend quality and fun time with your spouse. He said, “Every game a person plays is futile except for archery, training one’s horse and playing with one’s wife.” (Tirmidhi, Ibn Mājah, Aḥmad) Physical Touch – ‘Ā’ishah narrates that the Messenger of Allāh would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer without performing wuḍū’. He would show his love to his wives and take care of them. In a ḥadīth, the Messenger of Allāh said, “Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal, but let there first be a messenger between you.” “And what is that messenger?” they asked, and he replied: “Kisses and words.” (Daylami) It is so important to be kind in every way. It’s beautiful to learn the ideal way to handle every aspect of life.

Some examples are sourced from this link.

So if we decide to follow the Prophet (pbuh), and his sunnah, properly we can benefit not only in the hereafter but now in this life. Islam is the ideal way of life and it can only lead us towards goodness in this life and the next.