By MICHAEL ALLEN (@MikeAllenW)

´*•.¸(*•.¸♥ !It’s My BIRTHDAY, Betches! ♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´

By Vladimir Putin, 7 October, 2014

OMG! I can’t believe it’s been like a WHOLE YEAR. Thanks for coming to my party everyone. I’m like, so old now. Haha, stop laughing, right? It’s not funny. Whatevs, I’m obvi the hottest freely-elected president EVAR.

Oh, except for maybe like, that Modi guy. I’m so not jealous. His beard like isn’t even that great. Like, what is he even doing with it. He’s hot I guess. F*** Modi.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SHOTS!

Hold on. I just wanna say screw those G7 guys. Like, I so wasn’t inviting them anyway. They think they’re so cool cause they like, kicked me out of their stupid club for violating a neighboring nation’s territorial sovereignty or whatever? #YOLO. They all just suck, and like, we’re not even frenemies anymore. They wanna impose economic sanctions one me, and I’m just like GTFO. I don’t need the ability to raise long-term EU loans, import dual-use military equipment, or purchase oil industry technologies. I’m 62 now. Uuuummm, I can impose poultry sanctions on myself, haters.

I am so f***ing drunk right now.

Guys, we should totally go to Sochi tonight ‘cause I hear there’s like nobody there, and we can do whatever—we—want. The cover is only $51 billion. I’m totally gonna like, go fishing with my shirt off or like, ride a horse topless, or maybe go hunting without a shirt. Ok, haha, I just REALLY wanna take my clothes off right now. I know! I’m such a skank!

Oh-My-God Obama is texting me. I swear, that guy is so desperate, and like, nice guys make me vomit. Have you SEEN his Democracy? Ratchet.

NATO is so lame guys… right? HEY GUYS! Do you know I’m like a 6th degree black belt in Judo, and I was like, in the KGB for 16 years. I’m hundo-p serious. Will you shut up for one second puh-leez? Guys… GUYS!?

I just… *sniff*… I just don’t get why everyone’s so mad at me for legally annexing the Autonomous Republic of Crimea considering over half of the population self reports as ethnically Russian, and over 70 percent speak Russian as their native language. Furthermore, Crimea was transferred from Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic to the Ukrainian SSR in 1954, which, while often described as a “symbolic gesture,” I prefer to think of as just one of Khrushchev’s many conciliatory caprices. As a matter of regional security, it is also imperative that we restore the rule of law, peace, and order while containing the threat of Ukrainian Fascists who even now are promoting Western drug culture, sexual deviancy, and color revolution. Above all, we must recognize and respect the right of the Crimean people, as is the right of all people, to self-determination.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

It’s like whatever, I don’t have to explain myself. Is that Snowden again? He’s such a climber. Ignore him.

#SorryNotSorry, but I can’t keep tabs on EVERYTHING. I don’t have that many political assistants. I’m not effing spoiled. Uhhhggggg, Medvedev! Get that cake away from me. Do you WANT me to throw up? Berlusconi. Eeewww. I can’t believe I have swim practice tomorrow morning. STFU. I can cry if I want… it’s MY birthday.

But seriously guys, I’m like so much more mature than I was last year. I know this time… I’m totally gonna restore Russia to its rightful glory. I might even like, grow a mustache or something… OK?

Спасибо за внимание… BETCHES.