MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma.

“Oh boy, no way I can do this on my own,” said Noah. “I’m totally down for screaming all night until they are on the edge of insanity. I could probably even get up for giggling at nothing in a real cute way. But stopping their inevitable slide into divorce just through the power of my existence? Not gonna happen.”

“Is there an option where I just kind of hang out and flail my arms weirdly?” he asked.

Noah was brought in for the position after several other efforts, including couples kayaking lessons and starting a podcast together, had failed to properly rectify years of built up emotional and sexual resentment.

“We really had high hopes for Noah and what he could bring to the table, but I have to admit that the first week results have not been encouraging,” said mom Emma. “We thought this course of action would be more beneficial and cheaper than couples’ therapy. I’m starting to think we were wrong on both counts.”

Despite his lack of qualifications Noah has made efforts to accomplish the goal given to him. He recently interrupted a long fight by burping for the first time and then looking confused because he doesn’t know what burping is. Unfortunately, laudable attempts like these appear to be going to waste.

“It’s not my fault. They just keep standing there, staring down at me while making mouth sounds I do not understand. I mean. Bring something to the table guys!” said a desperate Noah.

While Noah remained hard at work coming up with future ways to bring his parents together like dumping spaghetti on his head, his father Liam seemed resigned to the fact that the project was a failure.

“So Noah isn’t going to be the thing that fixes everything. We’ve just got to accept that and move on,” said Liam. “We could always have another kid. Or start a small business together!”

At press time Liam and Emma had agreed to stay together for the good of their child.