Craigslist seems quaint these days. Sex-seekers who would have once turned to Missed Connections or Casual Encounters can fill their cravings on Tinder or Grindr now. Would-be buyers and sellers of furnishings can obtain or unload via specialized apps with better background checks. And employers have much more sophisticated ways to find the ideal candidate for an empty position than simply placing a job posting rolled up into the bottle of Craigslist and tossing that baby out into the ocean of the internet.

Still, when you’re looking for a unique person for a unique job, it can’t hurt to cover all your bases, right? For example, it sounds like whoever is looking to fill this gig needed all the help they can get.

Washington DC>gigs>casting opportunities

Need $$$ for the holidays? We are Looking for candidate to fill TOP MANAGEMENT POSITION in a fast-paced, highly-competitive, super visible workplace. STARTING IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!

MALE PREFERRED, must have can-do attitude, be very detail orientated, strong work ethics, and willingness to sell soul for a government salary. This is big, folks. Think private jets, VIP access, partying with zeitgeisty celebs like James Woods and Antonio Sabato Jr., and all the golf you can ride a cart between. In between your tasks You’ll be rubbing elbows/fetching McDonald's for/turning a blind eye to the lies of one of the most powerful & important Emmy runner ups in town!

Position includes medical, dental, and vision insurance.

We are a HIGH-PROFILE ARM of a WELL-KNOWN FAMILY BUSINESS, which is itself a subsidiary of a LOOSELY TIED COLLECTION OF KLEPTOCRATS AND DESPOTS with its fingers in real estate from Dubai to Panama and its saws in the bones of op-ed columnists.

As “Top Banana,” your duties will include:

Making uncomfortable expressions in the background of events attended by “The Big Guy,” so as to give a pathologically bored press fodder for palace intrigue stories;

Managing a diverse staff ranging from racist young whites to soulless old whites to chinless middle aged whites. We even have a lady working here who is made of spider webs!

Serving as The Kahuna’s attack dog and, if necessary, having the death of your child in combat used as an anecdote designed to shame a congresswoman who was telling the truth about an unrelated matter. (Or do your own version of this, if your child is still alive!)

Making sure that not just anybody can waltz into the Boss’s office. If they want to talk to him, they’ve got to call him directly on his unsecured iPhone, assuming he hasn’t left it on a golf cart, or in an enormous pair of pants. If he has, you have to help him find it.

Managing the toddler emotions of a man in control of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal

Appeasing the boss’s platitude-humping, glorified shoe saleswoman daughter and her strange, high-pitched husband, both of whom also occupy high-level management roles!

Getting along well enough with aforementioned shoe saleswoman that you’re willing to help feed the press stories about how she’s quietly trying to do the right thing, just failing at it, constantly.

Fighting with John Bolton!

Avoiding jail

Hiring interns

Occasionally trying to keep wife abusers in their jobs but only until it becomes utterly untenable. What a shame for those poor men.

In addition to the other skills listed above, the ideal candidate will be a nihilist so ardent that their drive to self-destruct almost reads as horniness. Not necessarily a racist, but willing to partner with racists in all policy initiatives, hang out with racists socially, and defend racists when they say or do racist things. Suits must be ill-fitting enough and haircut bad enough that it will be visibly evident that you have no friends in the gay community. Must have zero sense of irony and no sense of humor. History of rape apologia a plus! :)

Position has EXTREMELY LIMITED upside potential and NEAR INFINITE DOWNSIDE. We’re talking having all of your meals disrupted at restaurants, your grandchildren getting bullied for being related to you, etc. YOU WILL GO FROM A NOBODY TO A BLACK HOLE OF CREDIBILITY. You won’t even be able to sell your memoir after all this is done, because all the VIRUS-PEOPLE who already left this organization have tried to cash out already, and unless you can scoop like Bob Woodward or spin lies from your ass like Michael Wolff, nobody will give a fuck about your life story! The people are bored and your boss’s biggest fans don’t read! Precocious history nerd teens will one day spray paint a HAIRY BALLSACK on your tombstone.

For those of you who have emailed me to ask if this is real: YES

>>>>>THIS IS 100% REAL AND NOT A JOKE. <<<<<<<<<<

Being at the TOP OF OUR FIELD means that we’ve got a target on our back, and our hater and loser critics would say we’re on the way down. But to those who say this position would be rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, we say: if global warming is real then icebergs shouldn’t even exist.

NO SNOWFLAKES! If typos and misused hominims blow your skirt up, this isn’t the job for you. We need tough army screamers, like the bad guy from Avatar. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY, COME TO THINK OF IT! YOU CAN JUST BE A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY THE BOSS ONCE SAW PLAY A TOUGH GUY ON TELEVISION! YOU COULD LOOK LIKE VAL KILMER! THE YOUNGER VAL KILMER NOT THE CREEPIER OLD ONE. THINK OF THIS AS MORE OF A CASTING CALL THAN A JOB LISTING!>

PLEASE! WE ARE DESPERATE. MORALE IS SO LOW. WE ARE SO TIRED. WE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE FUN, OWNING THE LIBS BY LIGHTING OUR CAREERS ON FIRE. BUT…. IT’S NOT. LIKE, AT LEAST WHEN ROBERT JOHNSON SOLD HIS SOUL, HE GOT SUPER GOOD AT GUITAR. ALL WE GOT WERE THESE CHINESE MANUFACTURED RED HATS THAT BLEED DOWN YOUR FACE IN THE RAIN. LAST STORM I WENT OUT IN I LOOKED LIKE CARRIE ABOUT TO USE HER POWERS TO BURN DOWN A CRACKER BARREL.

Serious candidates only. Please reply with contact details, headshot, and 10-minute video of yourself chanting Lock Her Up straight to camera.