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FOLLOWING legal proceedings undertaken by voiceless billionaire Denis O’Brien against both RTÉ and the Sunday Business Post comes news that the Digicel kingpin is set to sue absolutely everyone.

“We’re particularly targeting people who have had negative thoughts about Denis in their head but have never uttered them in a public forum,” O’Brien chief counsel Damien Byrd told WWN.

“It’s hard to prove, but being sued by Denis O’Brien isn’t without its advantages. If this is your 5th time having legal action taken against you, you qualify for a free coffee at any Topaz service station,” added Byrd.

O’Brien, believed to be worth €6 billion, has sought an injunction against the publication of a Prime Time segment, which mentions O’Brien by name, and acknowledges the fact that O’Brien does indeed exist. RTÉ, with an annual budget in the region of €77 million, agreed to an adjournment in the injunction case until the 12th of May.

The billionaire’s intention to sue absolutely everyone, has led to 89-year-old Susan McDaid being dragged before the courts for tutting loudly after seeing O’Brien’s face on several newspapers in her local newsagent.

“She’s only herself to blame if we’re being honest here,” Byrd explained.

Media experts are said to be unsurprised by O’Brien’s attempts to snuff out the offending reporting on his existence, but have found a curious anomaly amongst the information.

“There is a group of newspapers and media publications O’Brien seems to have no problem with,” explained media expert Max O’Hanlon, “there are a large number of publications which fall under the ownership of Independent News & Media and he just doesn’t seem keen on bringing legal proceedings against them for some reason”.

The ludicrous and unwarranted persecution of Denis O’Brien is expected to continue in a polite manner in a small minority of media outlets.