The nerfherders at StarWars.com have released a ‘Star Wars™ Back to School’ shopping guide! While the idea seemed great at first, our experts here at FSW did some probing and determined it’s full of poodoo! It’s basically an ad for you to buy officially licensed Star Wars™ gear from the Disney online store. After the jump we look at what they recommend your Jedi Younglings take to school, and more importantly, what WE think they should take instead.

Take a look at some of the garbage they have on this list. Star Wars™ box calendar? Right, because little Johnny Jedi is sitting at his desk and propping up his calendar next to his fern. Star Wars™ lunch box? Those aren’t boxes, they’re basically un-stuffed pillows.

Here’s the perfect list compiled by FSW’s expert panel consisting of Russian Trolls, Review Bombing Bots, and disgruntled 44-year-old men that will make Back to School… cool.

Lekku Scrunchies – Perfect to showcase your allegiance to the Resistance or the First Order by brandishing the proper neon color. If you don’t have Lekku you can fling them at annoying classmates.

– Perfect to showcase your allegiance to the Resistance or the First Order by brandishing the proper neon color. If you don’t have Lekku you can fling them at annoying classmates. Wowie Wookiee Whistles – These are whistles that you can blow into to produce loud—and I mean LOUD —Wookiee screeches. Perfect for annoying your teachers.

– These are whistles that you can blow into to produce loud—and I mean —Wookiee screeches. Perfect for annoying your teachers. Trapper Keepers – Because, duh! Only the coolest younglings at the Jedi Academy have Trapper Keepers, and you want to be cool right? Right?!

– Because, duh! Only the coolest younglings at the Jedi Academy have Trapper Keepers, and you want to be cool right? Right?! Archive Erasers – These nifty little devices allow your youngling to simply wipe planets and schematics from the archives. Little Sally Tarkin forgot her galactic geography homework about Dantooine? No problem! That planet no longer exists.

– These nifty little devices allow your youngling to simply wipe planets and schematics from the archives. Little Sally Tarkin forgot her galactic geography homework about Dantooine? No problem! That planet no longer exists. Candy Death Sticks – These are actual death sticks disguised as candy death sticks, so that your kid can experience despair and financial ruin early on. Say hello to ‘smokin’ in the boys’ room and getting away with it. The only true way to raise younglings in the Galaxy Far, Far Away.

– These are actual death sticks disguised as candy death sticks, so that your kid can experience despair and financial ruin early on. Say hello to ‘smokin’ in the boys’ room and getting away with it. The only true way to raise younglings in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. Faking Star Wars Apparel and Accessories – Last but not least is official gear from our TeePublic store. Only the raddest and baddest younglings have FSW merch. Slap an Ask Sheev sticker on your laptop. Carry your books and data pads in a Flirty Kenobi tote bag. Wear the FSW Radio hosts’ faces proudly on a warm, snug hoodie.

Do you have any you’d like to include? Don’t send them to us in your comments or reviews, because frankly, nothing you come up with will be better than ours!

Our entire TeePublic store will be on sale for up to 35% off for Labor Day from Friday August 30th through Monday September 2nd. Send us pics of you showing off your FSW merch!

As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or Google Play for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.

–Teeb Ront’r

Faking Star Wars does not advocate for children to begin smoking or using drugs. The above list is for comedic purposes only.