I know it’s totally irrational, but I feel very protective over Jennifer Lawrence. Even though I didn’t “technically” “discover her,” I did see Winter’s Bone at its world premiere and subsequently spent the next few months telling everyone who would listen how beautiful and talented this Jennifer Lawrence was and how she would be mine some day. Does that make me wrong, for feeling like she and the world owe me something? If it does, I don’t want to be right. And yet, how do they repay me for my obvious heroism? By telling me my imaginary girlfriend is now dating my imaginary sworn enemy, Chris Martin, that’s how. You know, the Coldplay guy, who sings about how everything is yellow and generally makes Bono seem like a genuine guy. Pop quiz: if you were trapped in an elevator with Chris Martin and Bono, and you could only melvin one of them, what would you do?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME I HATE YOU ALL

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are seeing each other, multiple sources confirm to E! News. We’re told that the pair has been spending quality together since late June after the Oscar winner split with her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult. The Coldplay frontman and ex Gwyneth Paltrow announced their separation after more than 10 years of marriage in March. The two made the announcement on the Oscar winner’s website, Goop, with a post titled “Conscious Uncoupling.” [E!]

No matter how many times I read “conscious uncoupling” it still makes me want to puke in someone’s soy chai. Ugh, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin. The report comes from E! news, who also brought us the Kardashians (and by extension, everything soulless and evil in the world), so I’m going to hold out hope that they’re wrong. Otherwise, it means that either Jennifer Lawrence isn’t as perfect as she is in my head, or that Chris Martin isn’t as much of a dillweed as I imagined from all of his songs and everything I’ve ever seen him do.

Here’s something Chris Martin thought was profound enough to go in a song: “Because you’re a sky full of stars, I’m gonna give you my heart.”

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