What did he see?

What do you see?

Each winter, we have a chance to revisit the Buddha’s story during Rohatsu, a retreat that marks the anniversary of Gautama’s night spent under the bodhi tree where he is said to have awoke to the morning star – enlightened to the true nature of existence. Upon this morning star, he exclaims, “I, together with all beings, am simultaneously enlightened.” I and all beings, simultaneously. Never hidden, always present. How magnificent! What is it that he saw? Do we see the same star today? If we are enlightened simultaneously, how come we don’t “feel” enlightened? What gets in the way of realizing this?

Rohatsu is a time when we celebrate both effort and effortlessness. Effortless brings forth the morning star, yet for this tale to be complete, it embraces the Buddha’s singular effort to stay still through the night. The night before the Buddha awoke, the story goes that Gautama, upon committing himself to this seat of awakening with the utmost determination, was challenged by Mara. Mara is the Buddhist personification of death, and during this night, tries to taunt the Buddha to give up his seat under the bodhi tree. He is a great shadow for our prince Shakyamuni, for all humanity. Everything we deny or avoid, everything a human being fears, every seduction known to us, every false promise and dark doubt was visited upon the Buddha in a single night. Mara amasses an army in which each attacker has a different weapon of torture, he tries to appeal to our mendicant’s lust for sex and coax him away with promises of fame and an easy life elsewhere. Through each poignant attempt, the Buddha remains still on the diamond seat, the immovable spot. Seeing through Mara’s intention, the onslaught of attack is finally seen through, and Gautama enters into the deepest stillness right before dawn.

It’s taken me a while to truly appreciate the Buddha’s life story and the way it sheds light on how we seek answers to our deepest longing, the challenges and pitfalls of this seeking, and the extraordinary capacity we have to experience renewal when we stay the course. As a western woman, brought up in a nonreligious working class household, Shakyamuni Buddha’s example seemed for many years quite removed from my experience and struggles. Who was this foreign male figure, born into riches, leaving his wife and child for aimless wandering ending up living a life of a mendicant? It was only when I began to have my own experiences in practice and examined my karma more deeply, that I recognized my own life. Despite 2500 years difference, I also remember leaving the comfort and limited expectations of my own upbringing, the early deep desire to make sense of this life, and the many years seeking answers through popularized alternative spirituality that didn’t satisfy. It wasn’t until I entered this Zen practice and learned to follow my own intuition, to follow my questions down to their end and verify truth with my own experience, that my real questions were met.

To connect more intimately with Gautama Buddha, we only need consider these themes – times of life that, although told as a linear arc of practice during Rohatsu, can also act as repeated experiences or chapters in life that emerge over and over, with new insights and growth each time we clarify our life circumstances. These themes include suffering, seeking, risking, learning and practicing, resiliency, surrendering, and waking up. They don’t have to be dramatic – we can enact these themes and insights over and over. My teacher Kyogen likes to say, each “aha” partakes of the great awakening. When have we become dissatisfied in our comfortable “palace” and gone forth for deeper answers? When have we been deeply touched or troubled by the suffering in the world, by our own suffering? When have we invested or hoped for solutions from popular quick fixes, only to find that we remained the same? What darkness have we had to endure? When have we been visited by the morning star, by deep serenity and peace, when all the extra drops away?

To sit zazen, we go right back into the place of Gautama’s morning star, which is continually renewing itself, moment after moment. We don’t need to wait for some special teachings, wait to be in a better mood, or wait for some later time when we’re more experienced in meditation. The morning star is here.

Old Shakyamuni winks and twirls a flower.

Palms together,

Seido