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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump spoke at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — and he pulled no punches when it came to criticizing the armed sheriff that was assigned to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School the day of the horrific school shooting this past Valentine’s Day. Late last night, several outlets reported that the deputy, who was armed with a sidearm at the time, did not enter the school while the gunman used an AR-15 semiautomatic gun to kill 17 and wound more.

The president blasted the deputy, who has been relieved of duty, during his speech before a room of his supporters.

“When it came time to get in there to do something, he didn’t have the courage or something happened,” Trump told reporters Friday morning. “He certainly did a poor job, there’s no question about that.” “That’s a case where somebody who is outside, they’re trained, they didn’t react properly under pressure, or they were a coward,” Trump added. (TIME)

Some have criticized Trump’s remarks for being perhaps too heavy-handed. Others have found no small irony in Trump, who regularly touts his allegiance to the law enforcement community, berating a cop in this way. Still others point to the fact that the cop was everything the NRA and Trump have claimed to want — an armed presence at a school campus — and that still did not in any way deter the 19 year old shooter from carrying out his act.

Shortly after the CPAC speech had ended, President Trump’s bone spurs, which he used as the basis for at least one of his deferments from the draft during the Vietnam War era, released a statement in support of Trump, but it also condemned the “cowardly scaredy cat” deputy that didn’t enter the school during the shooting, and was subsequently relieved of duty.

What follows is a direct transcript of the statement from Trump’s bone spurs.

Dear America (Especially The Wonderful White Working Class),

Some have questioned the wisdom and, shockingly, even suggested it was not presidential of Lord Thy President Donald Trump’s comments on the yellow-bellied sheriff who didn’t enter the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School and attempt to stop the shooter on February 14th, 2018. Some have said that the deputy, while sadly derelict in his duty, was acting somewhat understandably if he was not as well-armed as the assailant was. This is, of course, why the Glorious and Holy National Rifle Association has revised their trademark slogan to read, “The only way to stop a heavily armed bad guy that we helped facilitate getting his implements of mass murder, is with sixteen or maybe seventeen good guys equally as well-armed with guns that will provide soaring revenues for our clients.”

But we wanted to address the notion of whether God Emperor Big Orange Daddy has the right, if not the duty, to call out the cowardice of the deputy who did not respond in the time of crisis.

If anyone is an expert on cowardice, it’s President Lord and Savior. Only true geniuses like Daddy Trump understand there’s a right way and a wrong way to be a coward. For instance, if you’re a white, rich, entitled teenager, and want to get out of going to war and instead have one of The Poors go to war for you, that’s a great time to be a coward! The key is to cower smarter, not harder.

One way to definitely not be a good coward is to cower when you’re outgunned by a lunatic shooting up a campus. Sure, the situation you’re in proves the utter lunacy of the “good guy with a gun” trope, but you’re there for a reason! Get in there and get your body filled with semi-automatic freedom rounds, Officer Pussy Bait!

It occurs to us that Americans might not grasp, fully, when they should or shouldn’t consider someone cowardly. So to help you all out, we devised a very simple way of knowing. It’s so simple, even KILLARY LOCK HER UP CLINTSTONED would get it.

If Donald Trump says you’re a coward, you’re a coward. If you’re Donald Trump, you’re not a coward.

This simple test will help every American know when they’re face to face with a coward, and when they’re face to face with a literal god.

Thank you for your time,

Bone Spurs Trump

Satire like this can also be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

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