By: Mike of the Ornery Young Gunz

Feminists aren’t funny. (Well, I mean, they ARE, just not intentionally.) In fact, the intensity of one’s feminism is indirectly proportional to one’s sense of humor. Which is probably why a recent attempt by Everyday Feminism to sound clever and witty just comes across as bitchy and neurotic. Not even the feminists were amused apparently, because the editor felt the need to write this:

Editor’s Note: This article focuses specifically on the ways in which society makes assumptions about single women who date men. This does not mean that people with other sexual orientations or identities are not also bombarded with annoying questions, but rather, that those questions often look different. Stay tuned for more nuanced articles, addressing different marginalized group, on this topic.

Translation: We’re so sorry 90% of our readership felt excluded by our headline because while they hate men just like we do, they also happen to hate dick.

Back in January, we published an article about things you shouldn’t say to single women. That article was a much-needed wake-up call for those who ask those questions or make those comments.

A “much needed wakeup call” that no one actually needs because no one actually says any of the things the article claims, and anyone who does most likely doesn’t read Everyday Feminism except to make fun of it like me. Which they proudly acknowledge in the next paragraph:

However, we also understand that a lot of the folks reading our magazine aren’t the people asking those pesky questions.

Yeah, no kidding.

We’ve taken the liberty of providing you with some appropriately sarcastic – and sometimes poignant – responses to such interrogations.

I don’t know if I can conjure a scenario where “appropriate” is the word I’d use to describe these cringe-worthy responses. However, poignant is definitely a word I’d use to describe feminists replies, since it is synonymous with “bitter”, “pitiable”, “wretched” and “miserable”.

Because, as we know, the only things women ever wants to talk about are love and romance! You need go no further than any grocery store magazine aisle to be bombarded with quizzes, horoscopes, and advice on love.

Sex sells. Get over it.

We have difficulty envisioning a woman who isn’t driven by romantic aspirations.

No, we don’t. We have feminists to remind us exactly what that looks like every day.

Surprisingly enough, women can also be the source of romantic scrutiny towards other women,

NO! Women scrutinize each other and are their own harshest critics? Say it ain’t so! C’est inconcevable!

This fixation implies that a woman’s worth and value hinges on her ability to find a man, which is, of course, problematic as hell.

About as problematic as a man’s worth being based on being able to attract and keep a beautiful woman, i.e. not problematic at all. That’s called “sexual selection” in biology. It’s how genes get spread.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised an ideology that treats abortion as a get-out-of-jail-free-card would see any kind of suggestion that men and women seek out each other’s company thanks to natural biological urges as “problematic”.

Women can and do accomplish things and love themselves and feel complete without a partner (or with one who isn’t a man!).

I guess, if all you need to be complete are your cats and box wine.

Even so, there are some who will dismiss the prejudice of such logic…

Wherein the author openly admits she’s prejudiced and tacitly admits she doesn’t understand logic…

…by insisting that romance is a universal human desire…

Everyone wants to be loved. Just not by feminists.

We have to account for those who identify as aromantic and are perfectly happy never looking for romantic love.

“We have to account for loveless feminists”. Just say “loveless feminists”. We get it.

Projecting your own standards for social norms onto each other is never okay. It’s a form of social violence.

So, you know it’s a feminist article when you haven’t gotten to the first point before being accused of some form of imaginary rape.

Q: Why Are You Single?

A: Because every time I date someone new, they eventually see past my physical beauty…

Because feminists are totally known for their physical beauty.

…and realize that there is something horrifically wrong with my personality and run away as fast as they can.

Understandable. Tho admittedly, “feminist” should have been the warning sign that tipped them off.

Consequently, I’ve spent my entire adulthood waiting for the perfect, most noble person – who would magically knows how to handle all of my difficult personality traits – to come along and rescue me from my self.

Have you checked your local cat rescue shelter?

Sure, folks might try and pass this off as flattery, but it’s basically the most polite way to ask “What’s wrong with you?”

If this is your response to what you acknowledge is a flattering question, then maybe “What’s wrong with you?” IS the question we should be asking.

Single women are treated almost as though they have a disease.

Just the ones that sleep around, demand we pay for their drinks, birth control and abortions, bitch about the “patriarchy” and call all men rapists, then screech “WHY WON’T ANYONE LOVE ME LIKE MY STEPDAD DID! WAAHHHHH!!”

Yes, even supposedly interested people treat our availability as a potential red flag!

We see it more like a symptom, but whatever.

Q: When Was the Last Time You Went on a Date?

A: Funny you ask! I just quit my job and gave up my hobbies, so I could pursue dating full time.

Job, hobbies, and dating aren’t mutually exclusive, unless your “job” is the TA for the gender studies prof and your hobbies include “fighting the patriarchy!” Then they absolutely are incompatible, but not because you’re too busy.

I mean, finding a partner should be a priority, right?

Normally I’d say yes, but after reading this far I think maybe minimizing your chances to procreate or make a man miserable is in everyone’s best interest.

When else will I finally get to live my life-long dream of making sandwiches for my husband while naked from the ankles up (naturally, I have to wear stilettos when I cook naked).

Less talky, more sammich making please. And who said you get to wear shoes?

Date someone because you want to get to know them, not to force a relationship.

Because that’s totally what people have in mind when they ask you these questions: forcing you into a relationship. [eye roll]

We think of single women as being “alone,” but in reality you’re giving yourself a lot more freedom to be social. You can hang out with your friends as much as you want and make your own schedule.

Because as everyone knows, having a significant other means these things totally go out the window, right?

I really don’t think we should be taking advice from someone who clearly has never been in a relationship before. Well, at least not a healthy, stable one.

Q: Shouldn’t You Lower Your Standards or Be Less Picky?

Literally no one asks this.

OMG! You are absolutely right. Sigh. Thank you! Things like agency and self-awareness and autonomous desires and boundaries and assertiveness keep getting in the way of fulfilling my one true destiny as a woman – finding someone, any one, with whom to be in a partnership (regardless of how they treat me or how I feel about them).

This response is borderline autistic. I’m speechless.

Ah, yes. Nothing boosts a girl’s self-esteem like telling her she should aim lower to have any hope of finding someone who wants to be with her!

I think the unsaid objection of the question here is you have TOO MUCH self-esteem, no? Think of it as a really nice way of saying, “Hun, you are not as desirable as you think you are, and you’re not going to change anytime soon, so do yourself a favor and set your sights a little lower.”

And um, hello, you’re a total catch. Make people work for your attention. Remember, perfection shouldn’t have to settle.

I rest my case.

Q: Why Don’t You Date Him? He’s So Nice!

A: What would I have ever done without you? It’s so hard for me to figure out what qualities I want in a man. It’s so hard for me to know what I think about anything really. I wonder if he would be nice enough to do the thinking for me – once we’re together and all.

Ladies (and guys) if you have a guy friend who is super nice, and this is the response you get from your girlfriend, do your friend a favor and do NOT try to hook them up! In fact, go out of your way to discourage your guy friend if he seems interested. She will only suck out all the joy and niceness and happiness out of him leaving only a withered bitter MGTOW husk.

I’d also suggest you do yourself a favor and find a new friend. Holy shit.

Q: Don’t You Know Men Aren’t Going to Like That?

A: I didn’t know! Let me change every single thing about myself so that I can be the thing that men want. They do all want the same thing, right? Because I really, really want their approval.

I genuinely feel sorry for the male that emasculates himself enough to attract such a putrid harpy such as this.

Men hate beanies. Men hate hand warmers. Men hate leggings.

We also hate leg hair, pussy hats, and bitter angry daddy issues but look at you go girl!

Q: Your Biological Clock Is Ticking – Shouldn’t You Settle Down Soon?

Next on “things stereotypical Jewish mothers say!”

A: I’m so happy you pointed that out for me. I need to settle down right away and have as many babies as possible while this clock keeps ticking. Because, you know, if I don’t have babies when I’m told and the way I’m told, I wont fulfilled my purpose as a woman – and that makes me worthless.

I think the author and I agree that she is totally unfit for motherhood.

Q: Liking Women Is Just a Phase – When Are You Going to Get Serious and Find a Man?

Found the mommy issues.

A: You are so psychic because right before you said that, the phase ended and I suddenly started craving men. It’s like some kind of gnarly heteromagic. YOU CURED ME! Let me tell all the other queers!!!

This sounds like something a stereotypical bitchy gay guy would say.

We associate heterosexuality with adulthood for women. At some point, you’re expected to stop playing house with other women and get yourself a man if you want to reap the rewards of heteronormativity, such as social privilege and financial stability.

If you want the cultural benefits that heterosexual relationships provide, then yes you have to be in a heterosexual relationship. This isn’t difficult.

The gender of your partner has zero bearing on your maturity or your potential to achieve success in life.

Cute strawman. Oh shit, I mean “strawperson”.

…do your best to avoid negative vibes from your family and friends.

This is a very telling statement. I feel bad for this person’s family and friends (ha ha just kidding, no one this angry has any friends).

You deserve an inner circle that supports you unconditionally. If necessary, cut toxic people out of your life.

…By being the toxic bitch that everyone else cuts out of their life? That’s an interesting albeit roundabout way to go about it.

You’re single. You’re empowered.

You’re alone and miserable and are protesting a little too much in an effort you convince yourself otherwise.

Show everyone that you can live life to the fullest on your own.

By doing exactly what some angry stranger on the internet tells you to do? Makes perfect sense.

Maybe the author should change the title to “7 Bitchy Responses Single Women Can Give if They Want to Live Forever Alone.”