After spending countless hours mired within the labyrinthine showroom of Ikea’s ready-to-assemble home furnishings, Alexis Ohanian has become an unparalleled expert at making his way from entrance to checkout with the fewest possible detours, distractions or impulse buys. Like a trained laboratory rat deposited into an unimaginably complex maze, Ohanian has developed a remarkable skill for finding the path of least resistance through his local Ikea megastore. Through great mental discipline, Alexis has mastered each blind decision within the store’s convoluted floor plan, charting an unswerving path that triangulates efficiently between affordable faux bedrooms, dormitory-chic living rooms, space-efficient kitchens, swedish meatball cafeteria lines, and trendy lighting solutions. “I have always been motivated by my strong internal compass. Now, when I enter an Ikea store, I place my full faith in this compass, steering past crowds and obstacles like a pilot flying at night.” Ohanian often boasts about his abilities, claiming he can, “make it to the check-out aisle with a box of cheap wine glasses before your average consumer has finished test-driving the Dagstorp leather sofas or contemplating the utility of a Norrviken sink base.”



Alexis’s friends have been amazed by his capacity to enter and leave an Ikea clear-headed and with unbroken spirit. “How he does it is beyond me. When I go to Ikea, my weekend is pretty much shot. Alexis can master an Ikea run as though it were a simple drugstore errand. He is the only one who can see through the matrix.” Ohanian has been working to generalize his now-specialized spatial intuition to his local grocery stores, supermalls, and airport. Ohanian believes that maintaining his ability to develop a robust cognitive map and establish necessary mental blinders will enable him to stay one step ahead of deliberate visual miscues. “Before I enter an Ikea, I am like a gymnast visualizing my entire routine. Each step is painstakingly choreographed so there can be no errors.”



Peter Agnefjall, CEO of Ikea, was dumbstruck upon learning of Alexis Ohanian’s talents. “Our average consumer spends over three hours completely disoriented in our human habit trail. This feat of human engineering is the product of endless hours of cutting edge research into consumer behavior. How Alexis Ohanian has managed to enter, locate his desired product, and leave without a single misstep truly boggles the mind.” Agnefjall maintains that his company will spare no expense in immediately revising its floor-plan to thwart its rogue intelligent consumer. “Before Alexis Ohanian, we thought our maze was unsolvable. We are doing our best to fix that.” Until then, Ohanian revels in his ability to outsmart store designers. “Purchasing a single Ikea store item and assembling it flawlessly remains the ultimate test of a consumer’s intellectual abilities. I take great pride in skewing the curve.”

<br>:photo:(ikea_-_map.jpg)<br>

By Stefan Kholbear