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So I went over to my buddy’s place to watch football recently, and as I sat there eating pizza (I didn’t actually eat pizza, but I like the idea in concept if not in execution), I started looking around. Sure, my chair was super comfortable and the TV was huge and the HD perfection, but I decided to look at the place with a girl’s eye. Mentally I made notes of all the things that he could change to make the perfect “company-friendly” bachelor pad.

This, of course, involved some minor snooping. I checked the bathroom and the fridge, and the results were, as you would imagine, frightening. The fridge was almost entirely bare, featuring only leftover Chinese, beer, and—to his credit—some bottles of water. The bathroom was even worse; I will get into that later. So here are the nine things you need to create the perfect apartment for “company” (I’m trying to avoid saying “getting laid,” O.K.?).

And note to anyone who has been to my own apartment: Yes, I clearly need to take my own advice. But you have to admit, it is a damn good apartment for watching football.