I want to start this article by giving a formal "you're welcome" to the Guardian and the good people of Britain for all the great work we've been doing. You know, a lot of people still think BP stands for British Petroleum and they're very mad at you. Just sayin'.

Anyways, down to business. You want to know how to succeed in public relations so you've called upon the best. First, a quick overview of what public relations entails. Honestly, 90% of the time and when things are going well, our work is incredibly easy. We work about three or four hours a day and we spend most of it messing around on social networking sites and taking personal phone calls. However, the other 10% of the time, when the client is in trouble, the job can be tough.

You see, big corporations often make a lot of irresponsible decisions because for the most part, they are fuelled by greed. Our job is to step in and engage the public while villains hide out and look for legal loopholes so they can make money again. Here are the simple steps you must take in any PR campaign. We'll use our most recent BP campaign as a case study:

1. Acknowledge the problem without acknowledging specifics. This was our very first tweet:

@BPGlobalPR: We regretfully admit that something has happened off of the Gulf Coast. More to come.



2. Be open about one piece of bad news and no more. You want to appear human, but you don't want to appear like a bunch of idiots. There's another word I'd use there, but I don't think I can. It rhymes with mickleticks.

@BPGlobalPR: Sadly we can no longer certify our oil as Dolphin Safe.

3. Threaten legal action if anyone crosses a line. You're in PR, but you need to make sure you flex your muscle and establish some ground rules.

@BPGlobalPR: Please do NOT take or clean any oil you find on the beach. That is the property of British Petroleum and we WILL sue you.

4. Choose the language for your campaign and you change the dialogue. For instance, people have called this oil spill an unmitigated disaster, an oilpocalypse and a catastrophe. So I spun it here…

@BPGlobalPR: Catastrophe is a strong word, let's all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy … and sure enough almost every pundit calls it a "whoopsie daisy" now. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

5. People love it when you refer to vague spiritual/Christian ideals. It always helps. So try and incorporate that into your message.

@Jesus walked on water and soon you can too! (Please pray for BP, we're losing a lot of oil).

6. Be willing to laugh at yourself! After I spilled a salad on my lap, I immediately tweeted about it.

@BPGlobalPR: Eating at a very expensive restaurant and spilled salad dressing on my pants. Not sure how to tackle this.

7. Any hard feelings or problems that come up can almost always be solved with a "free" T-shirt. Offer them to people who are upset and you will win them over almost instantly. We've sold $10,000 worth of free "BP cares" T-shirts to benefit the Gulf Restoration Network.