Let’s face it, making money is hard work, especially if you stay grounded in science. Pseudoscience is much more profitable these days, plus it can be a whole lot of fun. Imagine a world with no scientific boundaries, where anything you think up in your head can be played off as factual regardless of whether or not the idea holds merit in real life. Imagine building a strong, cult-like following and getting paid to spout off jibber-jabber all day long.

There are indeed some credible and valuable functional movement experts out there – this article isn’t about them. Every year, the strength & conditioning and physical therapy industries see several new pseudoscientific movement gurus emerge onto the scene. I like to call these guys, “Self-Proclaimed Functional Movement Specialists (SPFMS),” and after studying their methods, I’ve realized that becoming one is actually quite easy.

The public seems to have desperate, undying needs to 1) be labeled as dysfunctional, 2) have a bold leader telling them how to stand, walk, sit, and move, 3) be told exactly which exercises are acceptable and which ones are not, and 4) adhere to a polarizing system that allows them to feel superior to all those who don’t adhere to the same system. Fulfilling these needs will lead to instant success.The physical therapy and personal trainer fields are filled with an extraordinary proportion of suckers who won’t bat an eyelash over your exorbitant seminar, certification, and DVD fees. If you’re hurting for cash and would like to step it up and become a SPFMS, I’ve got you covered. Just follow these simple 40 steps:

How to Become a Functional Movement Guru in 40 Easy Steps

Attend a functional anatomy course and memorize the names of all the muscles – if you know the names of muscles like the back of your hand, people will have a very hard time not taking you seriously, even if you don’t adequately understand their function Read the book Anatomy Trains and memorize the names of Thomas Myers’ list of arbitrary fascial patterns that exist throughout the body – this will wow nearly everyone interested in exercise, even if nobody can seem to come up with any good reasons as to how it alters normal established strength & conditioning practices Create an arbitrary ideal standing posture and system for analyzing/critiquing it – remember, the more dysfunction you can manufacture, the more people will rely on you Create an arbitrary ideal gait and system for analyzing/critiquing it – it will behoove you to play on people’s fears by attacking the way they walk. The more stringent the standards, the better Commit approximately 10 common dysfunctions to memory – you will want to recite them frequently when criticizing individuals’ mechanics and speculating about the negative adaptations imposed by certain exercises. Tell everyone how dysfunctional they are and make sure to let them know that everything they’re doing creates dysfunction. Fear mongering and nocebo effects form your modus operandi. Possibilities include: lower crossed syndrome

upper crossed syndrome

gluteal amnesia

anterior pelvic tilt & lumbar hyperextension

posterior pelvic tilt & lumbar flexion

kyphosis

medial knee displacement

pronated feet/collapsed arches

winged scapula

shoulder internal rotation

forward head posture

leg length discrepancy

inhibited TVA/multifidus/psoas/diaphragm

breathing dysfunction

pelvic floor dysfunction Formulate a list of “bad” exercises and a list of “good” exercises – it doesn’t really matter which way you go here, all that matters is that you are confident in your lists Speculate as to which negative adaptations the “bad” exercises could impose – do not consult the literature or investigate anecdotes involving pro athletes and competitors, just conjure up some possibilities, and remember, the more severe, the better Develop unique, special ways to perform various movements – be confident and claim that any deviation from this form is inefficient and dysfunctional When editing videos, make liberal use of the slow-motion function – anything done in slow-mo will appear hardcore Wear Vibrams around the clock – this will establish credibility and help you appear more functional than others Don’t wear a shirt when creating your videos – functional bro’s don’t wear shirts Incorporate plenty of nifty training devices into your training arsenal – use a variety of Bosu balls, TRX systems, Vipers, Indian Clubs, kettlebells, stability balls, and body blades of course, because the more unstable, the better Denounce popular exercises and methods, possibilities include: machine exercises

isolation/targeted exercises

bilateral exercises

supine/prone exercises

unilateral exercises

axial loaded exercises

anteroposterior loaded exercises

sagittal plane exercises

dynamic core exercises

explosive exercises

the powerlifts and their variants

the Olympic lifts and their variants

barbell exercises Heavily promote unconventional exercises, possibilities include: standing exercises

unstable surface training exercises

crawling exercises

rolling around on the ground exercises

balancing exercises

rotational exercises

core stability exercises

cable column exercises

gymnastics exercises

dancing exercises and routines

mixed martial arts exercises and routines When showing off your methods, flow seamlessly from one exercise to the next – this will make you appear fluid and artistic, thereby increasing your appeal Make people feel guilty for training in the sagittal plane or lifting heavy weight – make them feel like inferior, nonfunctional, two dimensional rejects so they’ll hail you as the superior, top functioning, three dimensional legend. Bonus: refer to people who deadlift as “Beta males” Overhype the importance of fascia and its role in functional movement – fascia is interesting and potentially valuable, but muscles are much more valuable. Nevertheless, who cares about that? Make movement all about the fascia, and use words like slings, planes, trains, and meridians to make fascia seem even cooler Ignore and denounce the importance of muscular hypertrophy and strength’s role in functional movement – hypertrophy is for the meatheads. Even though activated muscles are the actuators of movement – they transform chemical energy to mechanical energy and create the force that pulls on bones that creates joint torque that creates ground reaction force that creates movement, downplay the role of muscles, tendons, bones, and ligaments while touting the importance of fascial slings and pretending like these arbitrary patterns dictate how we should move Create your own subjective definition of functional training – don’t utilize accepted industry definitions, create your own, and make sure it’s polarizing and divisive (you can’t allow people to be logical about training for function as they would then do what most strength coaches do and squat, deadlift, lunge, hip thrust, press, pull, drag sleds, and perform plyos in order to gain multivectorial force and power to gain proficiency in sprinting, jumping, cutting side to side, landing, climbing, picking thing up and carrying them, pushing, dragging, throwing, swinging, and pulling) Do not actually study biomechanics or delve into the mathematics and physics behind movement – data is for geeks – you’re an artistic, creative genius. However, even though you have zero biomechanics education, go ahead and call yourself a biomechanist. After all, you sit around and ponder over the reasons why people move the way they move – that has to count for something, right? Do not conduct controlled experiments, publish research, or even read research for that matter – this is counterproductive to guruism, you cannot have doubts as a know-it-all Do not take the time to get good at any of the exercises you denounce or pay attention to the positive functional effects that they lead to – your claims will be purely theoretical, but don’t worry, this will satisfy the masses. What’s crazy is that it’ll satisfy your cult-like following even if it flies in the face of peer reviewed published randomized controlled trials Push your subjective form of “functional training” on everyone regardless of their goals – everyone in the world, including Olympic and professional athletes from all sports, powerlifters, bodybuilders, Olympic weightlifters, strongmen, bikini competitors, and the elderly, should train according to your superior system – it’s best for strength, hypertrophy, power, speed, agility, athleticism, and general function. Scoff at people who have aesthetics or strength sport goals – these pedestrians with their lowly, vain strength and physique goals – the noble and aristocrats train purely for subjective function Pretend to be the only one in the world that truly understands movement – essentially, you are Neo in the Matrix when it comes to movement Ignore the considerable amount of variation found in ordinary human movement – do not consider how individual variation in anatomy and anthropometry influences movement; this complicates things way too much Do not study pain research – pain science is complicated – you don’t need that, however, do claim to know the secrets to getting out of every type of pain, and make sure each of these solutions are purely biomechanical, postural, and structural in nature (and not psychological or sociological) Incorporate spiritual and holistic components into your methods – this will make you appear holier than your competition Make sure your training methods do not require participants to max out in load or effort – your training needs to appear effortless while claiming to produce superior results Make sure your methods appeal to people’s obsession with human evolution -Use homo erectus and cro magnon man to your advantage. How humans evolved to get to where we are now doesn’t really dictate how we should best train for various goals, but don’t worry, the masses don’t know that nor will they question it. Don’t actually make a list and ranking of movements that were likely carried out each day by our ancestors as that would cause you to logically conclude that standard S&C does a good job of covering the bases with gait (sledwork, loaded walking, etc.), squatting, hinging, lunging, pushing, pulling, and twisting (medballs, cables, bands, etc.) Use your subjective interpretation of human evolution to predict how we’re supposed to move as time advances – make your followers believe that it’s up to you to direct the future of human movement evolution from here on out! Ignore the fact that sexual selection and natural selection are key drivers of whether or not you pass on your genes, as this would cause any logical person to conclude that traditional training, which is centered around hypertrophy & strength, are great for survival and getting laid Be sure to incorporate plenty of exciting ancillary methodologies – even if some methods show lackluster results in the literature, appeal to people’s affinity to magic, so the more exotic the better, possibilities include: kinesiotape

active release techniques (ART)

cupping

dry needling

whole body vibration (WBV)

electric muscle stimulation (EMS)

crystal healing Speak in riddles and vague but quotable sound bytes – this will make you seem like an all-knowing, wise owl Be black and white and don’t consider any gray area – you need ample enemies so that you can emerge as the hero Make sure you use plenty of impressive vocabulary to win over the common newbie – you can easily do this by pairing up a word from the first list below with a word from the second list: structural, fascial, primal, functional, asymmetric, rotational, contralateral, rhythmic, compensatory, 3D, tissue, serape, synergistic, diaphragmatic, postural, distortion, kinetic, reciprocal, myofascial, proprioceptive, sensorimotor, energy, elastic, kinaesthetic, spiral, dynamic, neuromuscular

integration, integrity, evolution, movement, planes, trains, meridians, slings, fabric, reciprocation, sequencing, flow, release, mobilization, tensegrity, effect, dominance, breathing, inhibition, linkage, patterns, transmission, leak, syndrome, chain, lines, stabilization, facilitation When formulating your methods, create 3 word acronyms and make sure to trademark them – use the lists directly above; an example could be Dynamic Proprioceptive Patterning, or DPP™ Frequently name drop physical therapy and holistic gurus and systems – however, be sure to misapply their methods to high performance training, possibilities include: Janda, Sahrmann, McGill, Myers, McKenzie, Maitland, Mulligan, Kendall, Jull, Cyriax, Richardson, Lewit, Chaitow, Travell, Cook, Chek, Chopra, Dyer Build a cult-like following – do not encourage them to be free thinkers Conduct seminars around the world and certify trainers with your methods – this is a vital step in your transformation Become a monster and judge the hell out of everyone else’s movement patterns, gait, posture, and exercise selection – when you’ve reached this step, congratulations, you have arrived!

Bonus: Kicking Things into Overdrive in Just 10 More Steps!

If you’re looking for some next level shit, I’m going to tell you how you can ramp things up a notch.

Lease a facility Paint it all black Put a giant logo on the wall Put grid lines and random markings on the ground surface Make liberal use of neon/fluorescent colors Don’t allow any loaded barbells in site (refer back to #16 above) Pay a boatload of money to sponsor posts on Facebook, thereby creating the illusion that your videos went viral for legitimate reasons Block all individuals who question your methods and delete their comments, thereby creating the illusion that your methods are reasonable and not commonly challenged Refuse to publicly debate any scientific person who challenges you – you cannot risk being exposed, but rather than backing down with dignity, come up with all sorts of excuses as to why it’s not worth your time and energy engaging in a debate with that individual (smoke and mirrors are your weapons of choice) Come up with all sorts of conspiracy theories as to why the establishment is out to get you and why they won’t accept your methods

Who in their right mind could question you when your facility is so hardcore and functional?

Purpose of This Article

Most of us who have spent the majority of our lives in careers as personal trainers, strength coaches, physical therapists, and sports science researchers can see right through these SPFMS‘s – we can spot their B.S. from a mile away. I would like my readers to be able to easily identify the con artists and snake oil salesmen in our industry as well.

Make no mistake about things – if you stand for pseudoscience, then you stand in my way to properly educate the masses. I will not sit back and watch my industry turn to crud on account of self-proclaimed movement experts who know just enough to be dangerous but haven’t read an actual study in their entire lives.

We have entire journals dedicated to advancing strength and conditioning, biomechanics, gait and posture, physical therapy and rehabilitation, movement and ergonomics, and pain sciences. There are hundreds if not thousands of longitudinal training studies that have examined the actual effects of exercise on functional performance, and these should provide the backbone for functional training methods. We certainly don’t know everything, but we definitely know enough to stop con-artists in their tracks.