by Richard C. Raynard, Ph .D.

This posting starts my monthly series of Calming Methods, a list of ways to bring anxiety down. You may use ideas presented in this series to help you fill out your own worksheet which will become a valuable practice tool.

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Friends, even without

knowledge of your phobia,

can be more calming than strangers,

but not all friends

will feel "safe" by any means.

___________________________

upsetting

opportunities

1) Quickly choose whoever looks "safe", giving yourself an "out" if that person is more upsetting than not. The longer you wait, the more risk of worrying yourself into delaying, finding something wrong, and more delay.



2) Reach out quickly, without waiting to be asked. In a mixed social situation like a party, making contact with anyone who appears "safe" will help you feel you are welcome, you belong , and are ready for more.



3) Go by your feelings as to whether that person makes you feel "safe", less anxious, and more secure. Don't be swayed by considerations of family relations or duration of friendship or social pressure. Remember, the safe person feels calming and reassuring most of the time.



4) If you need support, ask specifically for what you need. That often may be a touch, a word, or a presence. An explanation of your phobia is not often needed, and is poorly understood anyway.

need

.

A safe person is one who makes you feel immediately more secure and less anxious very nearly every time you are with him or her. The safe person does this not only by suggestions and active support, but also by presence, touch, listening, and his or her whole manner. This safe person can be a trained helper, a phobia aide, a husband or wife, a family member or friend, a professional, a stranger, even a child. Let's look at the varieties of safe persons so that you can recognize and cultivate them. You can soon learn to feel you are never far from the comfort of the human contact.Strangely, the majority of agoraphobic persons have phobic anxiety in just the situations that involve people: crowds, public places, classrooms, groups, and just ordinary contact and conversation! This can appear quite cruel, unfair, and confusing to your efforts to benefit from "safe persons". One of the most demoralizing costs of a phobia that I have found is exactly this kind or erosion of friendships, social events, club memberships, family gatherings and community participation over the years. All the same, the evidence seems that, while some phobics are shy as part of their personality makeup, the majority are warm, extroverted and people-centered in their lives. The basic movement of most phobics is towards people and, given half a chance, that basic nature will prevail over the phobic anxieties.Consider first the opportunities that total strangers present to you for restoring calm. For many, waiting in a long line is immediately relived by striking up conversation or briefest contact with someone else in line. Many have been able to extend their range of driving by locating on the map how near they were to the homes of friends or hospitals en route. Others find in overcoming a phobia of flying, quickly telling the air flight attendant of their phobia and the possible need for help is calming in itself. Others have made the first steps onto escalators or elevators by getting aboard when a few other passengers are on too. One woman who could not travel to most stores and crowded places, moved without anxiety with her two children within the local fairgrounds and even within the crowded circus arena.In none of these examples do you absolutely have to ask for help. Just know they are there to help, if needed. Actually asking for help and getting it is even more reassuring and calming. However, most phobic persons have seen many helpers that make it worse. They are worried and discouraged about asking for help. "Getting Help" will be the whole subject in another post, and is another major Calming Method.Friends, even without knowledge of your phobia, can be more calming than strangers, but not all friends will feel "safe" by any means. Qualities of friends that make for calm are similar to those of helpers who have been trained to help you. Simply put, the most calming friends are those who are compassionate, patient, and accepting of you. The presence of your friend riding with you in your car, or even driving behind you, can help you get desensitized to new highways. Just knowing you can phone a friend can help overcoming the anxiety of being alone. Friends can often agree to stay put in some place just in case you need them, i.e. waiting outside a store for you, while you practice inside.Close friends or your marriage partner require hard decisions about how involved they get, because their influence can beas well as calming. For example, a husband who is strong and overprotective can prolong the phobia, keep his partner fearful, protecting her from necessary risks and even healthy changes. Other husbands who have become resentful of the phobic limitations and have emotionally pulled away over a long time, even to making a separate life apart, will upset phobics by their unfeeling demands and intolerance. Partners who are martyrs with lots of hidden anger will rush, scold, ridicule, and become a major barrier to recovery. These are "unsafe" persons for you.If partners, friends, and helpers have those "safe" qualities of compassion, patience and acceptance, they can become helpers who accelerate your progress and minimize the anxiety. This helper can learn to findto practice, plan it with you, and be by your side when you do. He or she will help you get out of traps, remind you of reassuring things to do, and help you recognize your progress and effectiveness. And much more.For now, see if you can acquire the skills in recognizing a safe person and making contact if you need to. My suggestions for immediate benefit are:Basically, the "safe person" gives us another way out of the phobic traps by his or her presence and manner alone. Learn to spot quickly those persons and even now sort out the "safe" ones in all of your acquaintances. The safe person essentially is one you can turn to (and not be turned away), will offer some kind of support (and not scold, push, or give up), and will let you be yourself (without judgment or negativity). When you are recovered, you will not be upset by "unsafe" friends and relatives and you won'tto be so wary.Are you willing to have benefit of some persons just for being who they are? Is there any better time than right now? They are there, wherever you may travel, in abundance!Next month, we will look at the use of Conversation as a major Calming Method. I'll show you in clear detail when and how to use this important and very useful method.

Labels: Calming Methods, fear, fears, panic, panic attacks, phobia, recovery, safe person, support