The life of a bathroom reviewer is typically short and wild -- most of us get high on the fame and wealth that comes with such a career, then end up dead as a doornail in a North Carolina Harrah’s Cherokee Casino penthouse surrounded by mountains of cocaine and expensive prostitutes. I fully plan on going out this way, but not before I fulfill a lifelong dream of mine and review the second floor men’s room in the Instructional Center.

The CULC bathrooms have been reviewed by every mainstream publication (New York Times, Washington Post, The Atlantic, etc.). The Student Center bathrooms made the front page of the Atlanta Journal Constitution (not a high bar, but it still counts as mainstream). The communal bathrooms of the freshman dorms are considered warzones, and are only visited by the most daring and adventurous bathroom reporters. The Instructional Center 2nd floor men’s room, on the other hand, is relatively uncharted territory -- other than a few Yelp reviews, it has never been extensively covered. This is why I decided last weekend to chow down on some sugar-free gummy bears and spend some quality time reviewing this untapped jewel on the Georgia Tech bathroom scene.

____________________________________________________________________________

Situated above the freshmen hive that is the first floor of the IC, the 2nd floor men’s room is relatively isolated compared to its first floor counterpart. The fact that my time there was relatively uninterrupted was to be expected. What I didn’t expect to find, however, was an artistic haven that puts the Louvre to shame.

Original murals, the likes of which make the Chauvet Cave look like a kindergartener’s crayon drawings on the walls of his nursery, adorn every inch of the stalls. The decorations covering the interior are reminiscent of Renaissance masterpieces, specifically those of naked dudes (so… all of them). My eyes are initially drawn to a gracefully drawn phallus etched with a ballpoint pen just above the toilet seat, an homage to the human form as interpreted by 2012 contemporaries. Another bratwurst, rendered through the timeless medium of a Sharpie, graces the door just in front of me -- the shading and surprising attention to detail gives this one an air of mystery reminiscent of the Mona Lisa’s ghost of a smile.

I sit down, with my official reviewer’s pad and pen, and notice to my left -- surprise surprise -- yet another representation of the male organ, this one presented with the artist’s own thought-provoking caption: “Your mom’s is bigger.” The effect combines the awe-inspiring characteristics of the Sistine Chapel with the philosophical underpinning of Salvador Dalí’s later works. According to The Crouton’s in-house art expert, the combined value of the works in the third floor bathroom tops out at roughly $16.37 (in BuzzFunds).

Some of the numerous works of art even have interactive aspects to them. Scribbled on the toilet paper dispenser, just above the classic “u(sic)GA diploma dispenser” joke (which totally never gets old) was a phone number with the instructions: “Text for a good time.” I promptly did so, and I was shocked and delighted to receive color photographs of the original subject of the stall’s art. This unhygienic artistic oasis in the Instructional Center simply never ceases to amaze me.

I therefore submit the following scores to be included in the 2017 Georgia Tech Bathroom Review AlmanacⓇ:

Isolation: 4/5 computer science students at a house party

Cleanliness: 1/5 fraternity lawns on the Saturday morning after a Friday night party

Acoustics: 2/5 fraternity basements during the Friday night party

Aesthetics: 5/5 phallic Sistine Chapels

Disclaimer: This is a fictional work of satire. It does not reflect the views of the Georgia Institute of Technology.