Casino Mike Baird, the premier of NSW who recently broke a vertebra in his back, has spoken publicly for the first time since the incident: “I’m overjoyed! I am now legitimately able to park in the disabled spots at Star Casino!”

Baird revealed that he had in fact issued himself with a disabled parking permit when he entered office in order to “drive and park anywhere he wants – like Hillsong” and to “avoid public transport – that shit is underfunded and overcrowded!” He added, “whenever people were angry that I was using a disabled parking spot, I figured I could just prove I was intellectually handicapped by doing something stupid – like introducing 1:30am lockouts in the Cross.” Mike stated it was “great to be able to use the permit legitimately for easy-access gambling!”

Mike spoke at length of how happy he was to be able to access his beloved Star casino without the long walk from the car park: “it’s great timing, we have projected a surplus for the 2016-17 NSW state budget of $1.3 billion. But I’ve had a few losses on the pokies so we’re currently down $2.7 billion. Time to hit the roulette – gonna put a lazy billion on black tonight!”

Although Baird has publicly claimed to have merely been fetching a glass of water in his socks late at night, many suggest this story lacks credibility. Sources close to the Premier have stated that he actually broke his back while aggressively moshing to Christian rock band ‘Creed.’ Baird, who was recently spotted buying a blank CD from JB HiFi entitled “Creed’s Greatest Hits” is the president and sole member of the band’s fan club. It is now believed he was hosting a weekly meeting of the fan club at his house when the incident occurred.