GOLDSBORO, NC—Embarrassed by how much weight it had put on, a local squirrel who really chunked out was unable to look neighborhood residents in the eye, sources said Monday. “Ugh, I’m just going to avoid looking at anyone and try to reposition my tail so it covers up my gut,” said the eastern grey squirrel, adding that it didn’t think it could handle the judgmental stares from passersby when it struggled to get more than two feet up the side of a tree. “I already know what they’re thinking when I stop to catch my breath every few seconds when carrying an acorn, and I just don’t need that right now. I’m well aware of my appearance, and I’m working on it, okay?” At press time, the squirrel had retreated to the privacy of a tree hole so it could nibble on seeds without anyone noticing how tiny its arms looked against its enormous body.

Advertisement