Following the Philadelphia Eagles’ 41-33 upset victory over the New England Patriots in last night’s Super Bowl, the city of Philadelphia has announced plans to build an entirely new city of Philadelphia in honor of the historic win. The city’s entire population has already begun to help by voluntarily destroying the old city to make way for New Philadelphia.

Self-appointed South Philly Construction Supervisor Chuck O’Rourke commented on the plan’s progress so far: “Yeah, we decided to start by taking down superficial objects like light poles and sign posts. We’re also flipping as many cars as we can onto the sidewalk to make room for new pavement to be laid down. We've got a group of volunteers openly shitting and puking in a nearby public park to fertilize a new organic community garden. It’s gonna have kale and beets and other healthy hippie shit. New Philly’s gonna look real good, just you wait.”