HENDERSON, NEVADA — MedMen sales associate Alex “J.R.R. Token” Schultz is not-so-high on Lucasfilm following the company’s reveal of “Project Luminous” — a multimedia project consisting of novels and comic books set 200 years before The Phantom Menace. Schultz’s disappointment stems from the initiative’s consumer-facing name, “The High Republic.”

The 32-year-old assumed a project with such a title would involve the Jedi in a quest for the ultimate strain of space weed aka spice. But as additional details emerged, Schultz grew more and more paranoid.

“I thought that morning’s indica strain was messing with me. Like the buds firing the wrong signals in my brain. Because how do you call something The High Republic with a straight face and not pay it off with lightsaber bongs, spice-dealing gangs, and a high-as-(expletive) Yoda?!”

Schultz did his best to keep an open mind, but by day’s end, it became clear that his marijuana wasn’t playing tricks on him. The High Republic simply wasn’t what the cannabis connoisseur hoped it would be.

According to the official trailer and bits and pieces of various book synopses, the central narrative involves a galaxy-wide cataclysm known as the Great Disaster, which sees the Jedi take on a new enemy called the Nihil. Sadly, no mention of any high-inducing substance.

“Hopefully these space Vikings are into spice… because other than that, there’s no hope. And I’ve gotta be honest, I feel like this was one big bait and switch. They’re trying to tap the huge marijuana and CBD market, without actually committing. It’s like rolling up a fat J… only to find out you’re smoking oregano. Not cool, bruh. Not cool.”

Needless to say, Schultz will not be supporting The High Republic. Instead, the sci-fi lover will be focusing on the forthcoming Dune remake, because the fictional “melange” offers a better high than Star Wars for him right now.

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