What bothers me the most is when someone spends a great deal of energy insisting that it is incredibly inappropriate to be called transgender, and they turn around and spit the label at others like it is a slur. If it is wrong for a person to be called transgender when they are transsexual, it should not be okay for that same person to throw the term at others who also identify as transsexual. When making the distinction between the two terms, I can see a variety of issues of personal experience, such as social transition, legal transition, medical transition, binary or non-binary identity, and so forth that some people may want to reference. But instead I keep hearing a bunch of litmus tests that don't properly address those distinctions.

Whenever I come upon part of the transgender vs transsexual arguments and fighting, I have an incredibly hard time. I think of myself as a post-transition transsexual woman, but I have no objection to being called transgender. Indeed all my friends when I came out used the term transgender, and practically every lay person I've ever heard use the term was only referring to people with a binary gender identity who have medically transitioned or seeks to (characteristics frequently attributed to transsexuals). I honestly have great trouble simply figuring out what the difference is.

The Litmus Test List

(Both personally overheard and collected from friends)

You're not a real transsexual woman if you haven't had vaginoplasty (the more generous version allows for women who haven't had vaginoplasty so long as they never give up on pursuing it)

You're not a real transsexual woman if you don't pass as a cis woman 100% of the time

You're not a real transsexual woman if you transitioned after 45 (or 35, or 25, or 18 depending on who you ask)

You're not a real transsexual woman if you ascribe to feminist gender deconstruction theory

You're not a real transsexual woman if you buy clothes in the men's department

You're not a real transsexual woman if mainstream transphobes wouldn't respect your gender if they somehow found out everything about your body and medical history

You're not a real transsexual woman if you didn't know - with certainty - from birth

You're not a real transsexual woman if you don't have a GI/GID diagnosis or can't afford the process to get one

You're not a real transsexual woman if you don't fit your therapist's definition of a "real" woman (no exceptions even if the only therapist in your area is incredibly sexist)

You're not a real transsexual woman if you are caught without makeup on

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have facial or body hair that you don't shave

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have facial or body hair that you have to shave

You're not a real transsexual woman if you don't wear dresses and skirts all the time

You're not a real transsexual woman if you never crossdressed before transitioning

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have ever identified as a crossdresser

You're not a real transsexual woman if you become sexually aroused while wearing women's clothing (Does this mean those who present as women all the time can never be sexually aroused? Probably not, but it's not clear where that crossover happens)

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have sex with men

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have sex with women

You're not a real transsexual woman if you are not sexually available to men

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have sex using a strap on

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have sex with your genitals before vaginoplasty or anything that others might consider a penis

You're not a real transsexual woman if you masturbate involving your genitals before vaginoplasty or anything else others may consider a penis

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have sex

You're not a real transsexual woman if you allow yourself to be seen naked before vaginoplasty or with anything others might consider a penis

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have ever done sex work

You're not a real transsexual woman if you haven't considered suicide

You're not a real transsexual woman unless your only alternative to transition is suicide

You're not a real transsexual woman if you're still attending Southern Comfort

You're not a real transsexual woman if you didn't keep up with your dilation

You're not a real transsexual woman if you are not stealth

You're not a real transsexual woman if you are stealth

You're not a real transsexual woman if you've been to camp trans

You're not a real transsexual woman if you perform as a drag king

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have ever performed as a drag queen

You're not a real transsexual woman if you have ever yelled "suck my dick" (even if you are only referring to a metaphysical dick)

You're not a real transsexual woman if you ever pee standing up

You're not a real transsexual woman if you play sports (no exceptions for being on the women's rugby team, but maybe for softball)

Looking at this list all together, it is clear that no one can meet all these requirements and several are contradictory. Even many cis women would fail to meet these standards, which are ultimately based on what a "real" woman would do (One of my moms fails almost a dozen of these, not counting the trans specific ones of course).

Whether you see transsexualism as a birth defect or an extension of natural diversity, it stands to reason that if there is something non-transsexuals regularly do, then there will be some transsexuals who do it as well. There are cis women who get turned on by their lingerie, wear men's clothing because it's more comfortable, fuck with strap ons, sing odes to their cocks, have facial or body hair, and do practically everything on this list. Why wouldn't there be at least an occasional transsexual woman who does some of the same?

Honestly, when I was first coming out and my trans world consisted of less than a dozen people, "transsexual" was the word used by those telling me that I should go back into the closet if I didn't have an identical experience as they did. "Transgender" was the word used by those who offered me support as I was figuring things out regardless of what decisions I were to make. Of course I felt more solidarity with the transgender crowd.

However, as I started researching surgeons, puzzling over the legalities of surgeon letters and birth certificates, and struggling with doctors and insurance claims adjusters who had no clue how my body worked, I began to notice that the folks without those experiences were making very different decisions than I would.

I want gender neutral bathrooms for my friends, but I will use the women's room every time, meanwhile some activists in their zeal for gender neutral bathrooms would fight for policy that would allow employers to require all trans people to use an isolated gender neutral facility. And while I truly am grateful that passport rules have been changed, there is a selfish part of me is grumpy that I went through such incredible effort to update my passport and one year later it doesn't matter anymore (of course I'm not so selfish to complain and fight against such expansion of rights).

Alternatively, I've known other activists who would fight for policies allowing anyone to ask for ID before letting you in a public bathroom. I've heard people advocate requiring medical/legal documentation or even surgery before one can be covered under anti-discrimination law, with apparent lack of awareness for how it would affect those without money or the undocumented population. While I wouldn't personally be hurt by such policies, thoughts for my friends, my family, and even just plain social justice demand that I challenge them.

These are differences in experiences that are very important to identify and name and support those who push back against the erasure that happens when we are all lumped together under an umbrella. But as our umbrella splinters into sub-groups, it's important we recognize that we're not all using the same language to mean the same thing.

I've heard the exact same concept discussed in terms of genderqueer vs trans, transvestite vs transgender vs transsexual, binary vs non-binary, and so on. Ultimately, such words are only placeholders for our intended meaning and don't necessarily match up with the intended meanings of others.

They are also treated as mutually exclusive options when that really isn't the truth. While plenty of cissexual people deconstruct their experience of gender within binary expectations, engaging in such a thought exercise does not inoculate one against having a brain sex that does not match their assigned sex. As a result, there are plenty of people who are both transsexual and genderqueer. For another example, I know a good dozen or so trans men who love to wear panties and a corset in the privacy of their own bedroom (or a good dungeon), thus showing a perfect example of being transsexual and a transvestite at the same time.

I worry that as some of these debates are happening, the words are becoming more important than their meanings. And I worry that in the struggle for group autonomy, other concepts like individual identity and complexity are being trampled. I grew up with the mantra "Girls can do anything boys can do, don't let gender hold you back," and now I'm twisting it into "Trans women can do anything cis women can do." And no one can tell me that being a butch woman, finding creative solutions to my dysphoria during sex, or breaking any other rules makes me any less of a real transsexual.