While enjoying my extended weekend due to taking extra time off for the Lunar New Year (Year of the Horse!), my brain was attacked

by a ridiculously atrocious and racist “satire” by this asshole Nicole Mullen. Yea, I called some white girl an asshole and she deserves it. Allegedly, she’s a teacher “at some retarded school” and a “fun mom,” but we’ll get to that later. And yes, being the geek that I am – I absolutely started a new blog with my first entry dedicated to righting the oh-so-many wrongs this bitch spread into the world via her Thoughtcatalog post. It’s a long rant (blow-by-blow rehash followed by my personal take), but bear with me ’til the end and I guarantee ultimate satisfaction. Here we go:

So, this past week or so I started hearing people talk about Chinese New Year and naturally I assumed it was a band. Imagine my embarrassment when I told someone at Starbucks that I had seen them live a couple of years ago. They gave me a puzzled look and I had to cover quickly by telling them I was thinking of Japanese Solstice, a different band that they surely hadn’t heard of (because I made it up.)

So – you are saying that you’re so fucking ignorant that the first time you’ve ever heard of Chinese/Lunar New Year is when someone made you look stupid? At a Starbucks? Man, you are some dumb chick. Your supposed cover up was worst than me trying to to “cover” my shlong with a piece of fucking saran wrap. Transparent, mfer.

The truth is, in fact, much worse. Apparently Chinese people actually think it’s New Years. They’re an entire month late. Aren’t these people supposed to be good at math? They keep saying it’s the year of the horse which I guess is code for doing a shit-ton of smack and being a whole month off on the ball drop. By now, most people have already broken all their resolutions and resigned to another abysmal year as they patiently await death – not the Chinese, they’re just now sleeping off their “last hangovers” and googling gym memberships. Swearing off dog and gluten at least until Chinese Super Bowl (Chinese Super Bowl is next month.)

4711 years ago, certain folk started going by the lunisolar calendar. Long after that, the Gregorian calendar came into use and yes, is currently the widely accepted and used civil calendar of today. One is not better than the other. Just different. For godsake (yours not mine) show some effing respect — this is America after all and we are The Melting Pot. But then again maybe you’re just ‘Murican.

My question is, should we tell them? Is that racist? I understand that you’re supposed to respect other people’s cultures but this shit could cause some serious problems. Remember Y2K? Millions of computer systems around the world failed because of incorrect dating on older COBOL based banking systems. If we’ve got a billion people that all look exactly the same writing the wrong dates on checks, you’re looking a global financial collapse that no eyes have ever seen – round or slanted. It’ll be like Y2K times a million, and who is going to do that math if not the Chinese?

WTF? Really? You’re trying to legitimize your ridiculous article by spewing tech BS? On behalf of Geeks everywhere, I am deeply offended. We all know what happened during Y2K — nothing. Masking blatant racism with some technical jargon – well, that’s a new one! Guess what asshole – it didn’t work.

This date discrepancy hurts them just as much as it hurts us. That’s when white culture needs to step in, and say, hey, whoa. You need to be on your p’s and q’s here, Chineses. This isn’t pissing in some folks Coca-Cola here, we’re talking about a global financial meltdown. This is not a drill, and even if it were, we need to have a conversation about that as well – you’re not supposed to go back into the car. Anyhow, what I’m saying is, you can trust one group of people to build the railroads, but it takes good honest folks to come by and make the trains run on time.

Ohhhh. Now you’re an economics expert? I wonder what Andrei Shleifer, James Heckman or any number of leading economists would have to say about this “meltdown.” Reiterate above: you’re a dumb fuck. Please die now. P.S. I don’t know what “honest folk” you’re talking about, but they’re not the ones running the MTA here in New York.

Personally, I feel like we should say something. I mean, isn’t that what social justice is about? Speaking up in the best interest of others? I almost feel as if it’s my duty as a progressive young woman to stop every Chinese person I see and let them know that they are literally on the wrong page of the calendar. That’s the progressive move here. How can we work past our cultural differences if we can’t even agree on what time it is? Dates are the first step. After we fix that we can address the fact that they murder baby girls and have abhorrent worker’s rights policies. Hell, maybe they just can’t afford calendars. If you’re lucky enough to be born a man in China you can look forward to a minimum wage of a skinned rabbit per hour. It’s time to speak up, America. It’s time for us to be the change we want in the world – and that time is February 1st, 2014 – not January 1st, HORSE A.D.

‘Murica at it’s best. At this point, I am flabbergasted. But it gets worse as I keep scrolling and read THIS PART:

Nicole Mullen Just a fun mom and a teacher at a retarded school. I like recipes and my kids.

WHAT? At this point, I’m reading and shaking my head and upvoting every other comment lamenting this ridiculousness. Originally, I was going to just post a comment, but damn I just had way too much to say to fit in a little comment box amongst all the other very valid comments (1655 at time of this post). Then I thought I would submit a public reply on ThoughtCatalog, but submissions take up to 2 weeks to process and it may still get rejected anyway. I needed immediacy and the power to expose this little shithead right now. So I spent the rest of the day boiling in the middle of the snowstorm and went to work on this an hour ago. Welcome to the awesome world of tech we live in today.

My Turn MuthaFuckr.

Let’s start with the most widely known stereotype of white girls. This is what it means to be “White Girl Wasted.”

Judging from your tone and your unabashed racism, I can only guess that you’re a trust fund bitch.

In fact, I’m glad you’re not regular ol’ white trash – makes hating you that much easier. Pretty sure that even white trash would be ashamed of you. Don’t pretend you’re not just a stay-at-home mom who sometimes substitutes when the school can’t find anyone else. Those poor developmentally challenged children have to deal with your poor excuse for a human being? If you are an actual teacher, for shame, is all I can say. FOR SHAME!

I’m trying to figure it out. Why do you have so much hatred?

Asian girls stealing your “good” White men and leaving you only with the Creepy White Guys who’d rather bang an Asian anyway? Were you traumatized by an unrequited Asian love? Did your Nazi grandmother forbid your love for that hot Asian? Or was it that Asian bitch who stole your valedictorian sash AND prom queen crown? Chicks like you give everyone a bad taste in their mouths. I see your hate and it fuels mine for you.

But wait —

there’s an allegation out there that you may be one of those creepy white guys, Nick Mullen! I mean DUDE! Now I really can’t go easy on your ass. Especially since your Facebook says you “Attended Harvard.” I’m just not so sure how you went from Harvard man to lowly wannabe comedian-slash-writer spewing crap for ThoughtCatalog.

You’re not funny. You’re not being satirical, farcical nor ironic. You’re just being a dumb racist bitch DOUCHEBAG.

Flat out, you were wrong for targeting what is THE most important and really only holiday us Asians have. It is not JUST the Chinese nor is it ALL the Asians who celebrate it but then you wouldn’t know or care about that because you are a careless writer who doesn’t even care to research or effing simply Wikipedia it! If your article was more well written with more relevant and relateable jokes, and maybe even a sprinkle of the ever-present snarky meme, you would have gotten a much better response as a comedian. Poor research, poor writing, poor prose, just poor un-funniness. Bad Creepy White Guy! [Man, just had to link again–those guys are LOSERS.]

My grade? D Minus.

I just had to give you some credit for trying, but epic failure on a whole (FAILED: Female Impersonator, Writer, Comedian, Human Being in general). And if you haven’t apologized yet [I highly doubt you will], I hope you’re at least feeling pretty fucking sorry now. Bitch. Oh and by the way, this is just nonsensical banter so don’t get offended, okay?

It’s not personal. Just satire.

– Luke, out.

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Leave me props, yell @ me, criticize away, please.