“Kids are different today,” I hear every mother say. Mother needs something to help to calm her down, and though she’s not really ill there’s a variety of herbs, amino acids, and other supplements that can help her on her way and get her through her busy day.

The reality is you can’t drink through another school-sponsored event since they installed that thing in your car. They took away your Adderall prescription when they found out that you were also filling it at the Rite-Aid over in Riverview. And Cocaine, while marvelously refreshing, is ultimately unsustainable.

It’s 2020 and science has given you beautiful new options for boosting your energy, improving your mood, and helping you see your self beyond your self. Here’s Dr. Dad’s list of five supplements that may or may not actually make you a better parent, but they sure will make you feel like one. Or you could feel nothing at all. Individual results may vary.

L-Theanine

L-theanine is, without hyperbole, the single greatest ingestible substance on the planet, a miracle wonder drug, and your new best friend. Ok, maybe some hyperbole. But it’s pretty good.

L-theanine is an amino acid that provides non-sedative relaxation. Think about that phrase again: non-sedative relaxation.

With L-theanine you feel loose, easy, and breezy, but without sacrificing lucidity or motor function. Remember the parents’ maxim: A little wine is fine when you dine, but not when driving your Econoline.

For a real party starter, pair L-theanine with your dear old friend caffeine. You get the same crisp, alert, on feeling that a good venti with the extra shot will give you, without getting that I want to murder everyone in this Kohl’s glint in your eye.

This is what the smarty-pampers out there call a nootropic stack, a combination of mind-altering substances that have a synergistic effect on the brain. A good theanine-caffeine stack is like feels cigarettes, black coffee, and bran flakes all working together, but with your thoughts. Or you could feel nothing at all. Individual results may vary.

GABA

When you’re ready to graduate from L-Theanine to something a little more… advanced, try taking sleek, sexy GABA out for a test drive. GABA is a neurotransmitter that promotes relaxation and contentment, like a cozy little fire in the ski chalet of your mind.

Also, much like cozy ski chalet fires, it’s a little too easy to drift off to sleep and end up getting burned. All right, perhaps that metaphor is a little more graphic than it need be, but the point is that GABA makes it a little too easy to fall asleep sometimes.

One minute you’re having a great time during Dr. Baby’s alternative Mommy and Me class, Doctors and Dummies; the next Mrs. Laurie is shaking you awake in the middle of the tumbling mats. Such is life when you ride the nootropic dragon. The GABA Greyhound? We’re still workshopping catchphrases.

This is why it’s important to pick your spots with GABA. Dance recital? Maybe not. Family outing to the Mountasia Family Fun Center? Perfect. GABA will keep you fun, funny, and happy. Or you could feel nothing at all. Individual results may vary.

L-Carnitine

Let’s say you just read the above subsection about GABA and your internal monologue is shrieking: “But going to a boring recital or cultural event is exactly the type of thing that I have to do!” Well never fear, I’ve got a kick-ass amino acid for you too.

You might recognize your friend L-Carnitine from such hits as the writing on the side of your can of Monster energy drink or that feeling you get when you eat red meat where it’s like you’re absorbing the soul of the animal as you consume its mortal body.

L-Carnitine is great because it gives a boost to both your body and your mind. You feel sharp as an Alaskan Ulu knife and strong as Sonics-era Shawn Kemp. Or you could feel nothing at all. Individual results may vary.

Lysergic Acid

Let’s say that you’re like me and you find children’s events to be both heart-warming affirmations of the best parts of humanity and relentlessly boring crapfests that suck from sloppy start to shitty end. If this sounds familiar, then you’re looking for a supplement that helps bring out those generous, magnanimous impulses in you, not those impulses that encourage you to make fart noises into your hand during the quiet parts.

This is why I had to stop drinking during all of Dr. Baby’s events and started microdosing LSD. Less heckling, more introspection. One lil drop (or two if you’re feeling cheeky) can help you stay engaged, in awe of the concept of parentage, and humble in front of the gifts that the universe has provided you.

The key to using lysergic acid correctly is all about dosage size and strength. You thought that it was hard to trust Swanson or Nature’s Way? Try getting a consistent dosage from a guy wearing steampunk goggles and Hammer pants.

For this, and many reasons, individual results will certainly vary. Oh, sweet mother of dragons can they vary. But rest assured, you will feel something.

Herbalife

Maybe you’re looking for a way to boost your metabolism while also making a little money on the side. Perhaps you want to improve energy levels while also establishing financial freedom. Or maybe you’re just trying to find a thermogenic fat burner and the opportunity to afford the lifestyle of your dreams.

The Herbalife® line of products and financial incentives can be tailored to fit any users individual needs and stock portfolio. Try mixing a dose of the Liftoff® Go-Powder with water in your Herbalife® Mix-M-Up-Cup® while providing your checking account number and bank’s routing information.

When you enroll in the 3-D Tri-Life Plan, you’re not just making a lifelong, binding commitment to Herbalife, you’re making a commitment to yourself. You’ll lose weight, gain confidence, and totally forget about your old life, relationships, and code of ethics. Herbalife is all that Herbalifes now, my Herbalife. Drink it in and be your own miracle.

Or you could feel nothing at all. Individual results may vary, though in most cases you will end up as the victim of a pyramid scheme.