After five centuries of successfully eviscerating Native Americans and desecrating their culture through genocide, disease, rape, kidnapping, murder of buffalo, forcible removal from native lands, introduction of alcohol, Hollywood ridicule, offensive sports mascots, and forcing contemporary populations to live in rural ghettos, recent findings show that Native Americans are still completely fucked.

America First, a super pac organization created in support of Donald Trump, happily reported today that the war against Native Americans remains tilted in favor of “real Americans,” to use their language.

Despite receiving ample opportunity to assimilate to Western culture for multiple centuries, America First’s findings show that Native Americans remain at the bottom of the totem pole.

A spokesman for America First, Mike Reuban, says, “After months of intense research, we have found that contemporary Native Americans remain irredeemably fucked. As to why they remain unsuccessful and impoverished, we can only attribute this to an inherent laziness that goes back millennia.”

Reuben continues, “As a people, they have contributed nothing to America. While the Mayans and Incans were building empires and constructing really cool buildings and neat calendars, the North American Indians never built anything. They just moped about smoking drugs, following Buffalo around, and engaging in super dirty orgies. Ask yourself, what have Native Americans contributed to the modern world? The domestication of maize? What the shit is maize? The avocado? Big whoop. This just further supports our hypothesis that Native Americans are a bunch of dope smoking liberal hipsters that continue to evade taxes and bleed the welfare system dry.”

After facing immediate backlash from the media and activist groups over his financial ties to America First, Donald Trump released a statement today about the super pac’s research:

“Reservations are technically sovereign nations and thus not part of America. They don’t come first. They don’t pay taxes and their casinos are nowhere near as nice as mine. They have bad casinos. Bad!”

Trump continued, “Many of you know that I have a portrait of Andrew Jackson hanging in the Oval Office. Andrew Jackson was a great man, the best man, and Jackson’s greatest achievement, the so-called Trail of Tears, proved a huge step in encouraging what were really terrorists to submit to U.S. law and order. The natives are very slow learners. We’d been taking them down with rifles for years and they still preferred the bow. Very stupid. They aren’t smart. Not like me. I went to UPENN. Very good school. It’s time we put a stop to these radical people. We saw how much they respect the law at Standing Rock. Not much! Not since the Indian Removal Act, the so-called Trail of Tears, and Wounded Knee have Americans stood up against these feather wearing witch doctors. It’s time to renew our call for America First and stop these whiny liberals from ruining our sports leagues with their PC crying. The Reds need to assimilate to our way of life, which they will never do because they are bitter and hold grudges about things that happened very very long ago. Years ago. No one even remembers. If I had it my way, I’d build walls around every single “reservation,” and forbid these terrible businessmen from ever opening another casino. But democrats like Elizabeth “Pocohantos” Warren stand in my way. These people and the fake news media are against us. But no longer. America First!”

Well, there you have it. Lively comments from the POTUS as always. While there is much to disagree with concerning America First and Trump’s statements, you can’t argue that Native Americans are definitely still fucked.