I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS IS GONNA BE ABOUT, I JUST FEEL LIKE WRITING BUT I HAVE NO DIRECTION. I ALSO LIKE OLD MOVIES SO I WANTED A COOL TITLE FOR THIS, AND YES, THERE WILL BE FIGHTING IN THIS WAR ROOM. USUALLY WHEN I WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT THIS, SOMEONE PISSED ME OFF, BUT THIS TIME I PISSED MYSELF OFF SO THATS COOL. I GUESS YOU CAN SAY IVE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE AT LOLCALS RECENTLY AND ITS MADE WGP TESTING UH, STRESSFUL TO SAY THE LEAST, AND I WANNA KINDA WRITE ABOUT SOME THOUGHTS OF MINE TO GET MY HEAD IN THE RIGHT PLACE AGAIN AND TO NEVER FORGET.

CHAPTER 1: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME ITS ACTYUALLY THE FUCKING WORST LIKE WHO WANTS TO GGET ON THIS UNCLE BUTTS WTS POST IMMA SELL EVERYTHING 80% OF YUYU-TEI

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OK WE GOOD FAM.

AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE REALIZED BY NOW, WEISS SCHWARZ IS A GAME OF EXTREMELY HIGH VARIANCE, AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS IN YOUR CONTROL. I MEAN, SOMETIMES THEY JUST ARENT, AND IF THEY ARE IN CONTROL, YOURE PROBABLY STACKING AND YOUR OPPONENT SHOULD SHUFFLE YOUR DECK MORE.

EITHER WAY, YEAH, WEISS CAN SUCK SOMETIMES, BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE THE PERFECT GAME, YOU DONT TRIGGER CLIMAXES, YOURE AHEAD IN DAMAGE, YOURE PLUSSING LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MADMAN, AND THEN YOU JUST FUCKING TAKE 10 AND DIE EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE LIKE 6 CLIMAXES IN DECK. AND WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT’S WEISS. I DONT MEAN TO SELL IT IN A WAY THAT WOULD IMPLY THE GAME IS BAD BECAUSE OF THIS, OR THAT YOU SHOULD INVALIDATE ALL YOUR LOSSES TO BEING “LOL I GOT WEISSED” BUT MORESO, PEOPLE GOTTA LEARN TO LET GO OF THEIR SALT AND AGGRESSION WHEN PLAYING THIS SHIT, MAN. I WAS ONCE A YOUNG CROSS EYED FOOL WHO THOUGHT HE COULD DO ANYTHING WITH THE HELP OF HIS OP LITTLE BUSTER DECK AND A LITTLE BIT OF COMPRESSION, AND ID FEEL SO PROUD OF MY TRIPLE CANCELS, LIKE, “YEAH BITCH, THATS ALL ME, DAT ME, I DID THAT.” AND THEN I TAKE 4 DAMAGE AND I MY SALINITY LEVELS INCREASE AND I JUST GO OFF ON, “COMPRESSION IS A FUCKING LIE IT ACTUALLY DOESNT MATTER NO SKILL LUCKSACK PIECE OF SHIT GAME WHAT THE ACTUAL AGAGAGAGWER.”. BASICALLY I NEEDED SOMEONE TO CALL ME A FUCKING RETARD ENOUGH TIMES UNTIL I WAS ABLE TO SIT DOWN AND RATIONALIZE MY GAMES AS AN ADULT COULD.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IN GENERAL? WELL, A LONG TIME AGO I DECIDED THAT PLAYING “PERFECTLY” DOESNT ENTITLE YOU TO CANCELING. WHATEVER YOUR IDEA OF THE RIGHT PLAY, OR PLAYING WELL IN GENERAL IS, THATS NOT GOING TO COUNT FOR MUCH SHIT TO YOUR DECK. YOU CAN COUNT THE CARDS IN YOUR DECK AND RUN THE NUMBERS AND SIMS IN YOUR HEAD LIKE YOURE JOHNNY 5 , BUT NONE OF THAT ACTUALLY INFLUENCES THE ORDER OF THE CARDS IN YOUR DECK, ITS JUST A WAY FOR YOU TO LOOK AT A SITUATION AND FEEL MORE OR LESS SECURE. WE’VE ALL SEEN THE GUY THAT TRIPLE CANCELS WITH LIKE 4 CLIMAXES IN A 30 CARD DECK, AND WE’VE ALL SEEN THE GUY WHO TAKES LIKE 9 STRAIGHT WITH A RATION OF LIKE 5/18. IF YOUR CLIMAXES ARE EVENLY SPREAD OUT IN A 5/18 SET UP, THEN SURE, YOU SHOULD CANCEL, BUT PERFECTLY SPACED CLIMAXES ARENT GOING TO HAPPEN THAT MUCH BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH YOURE RANDOMIZING YOUR DECK. YOU MAY NOT EVEN REALIZE IT, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE A REALLY GOOD DECK SET UP INTO A REALLY BAD SET UP BY SHUFFLING YOUR DECK, AND THEN AT THE END OF IT, THINK YOURE SAFER BECAUSE YOU COMPRESSED A LITTLE BIT MORE. SPOOKY. YOU MAY NOT EVEN REALIZE YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF IF YOU HADNT EVEN CHECKED THE ORDER OF THE CARDS IN YOUR DECK BEFORE YOU SHUFFLED, WHICH MAKES IT EVEN SPOOPIER.

ITS NOT REALLY MY INTENTION TO SPOOK YOU OUT OF SHUFFLING YOUR DECKS, BUT I DO THINK THATS A REALISTIC SCENARIO. BUT, “Uncle Butts,” YOU MIGHT SAY, “are you saying I should give up Weiss and pursue a career in Magic the Gathering? Is it all a hopeless lucksack parade where I am the court jester in the back, getting half eaten hot dogs thrown at me.” HAHAHAHA, NO. THAT WAS A WEIRDLY VIVID AND SPECIFIC SCENE YOU PAINTED, THOUGH. TO ME, THIS RANDOMNESS AND VARIANCE TO THE GAME IS EXCITING AND HONESTLY MAKES WEISS A VERY COMPLEX AND DEEP GAME, MORESO THAN I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD GIVE IT CREDIT FOR ON FIRST GLANCE. A LOT OF THE COMPLEXITY AND DEPTH I THINK COMES FROM THE RANDOMNESS OF THE GAME, OKAY HOLD UP LEMME TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF THAT FOR YA. ASIDE FROM SOME VERY SPECIFIC SCENARIOS REGARDING EITHER PLAYERS DECK COMPOSITION AT ANY TIME, I WOULD DARE SAY THAT WEISS IS NOT A SOLVED GAME, AND BY SOLVED GAME, I MEAN A GAME WITH NO DEFINITE OR CONCRETE ANSWERS. THE RANDOMNESS OF TRIGGER CHECKS, AND THE RANDOMNESS OF YOUR OPPONENTS DECK ORDER CAN MAKE ATTACK ORDER ONE OF THE MOST COMPLEX THINGS IN THE ENTIRE GAME, THE ONLY TIME THE RIGHT ANSWERS ARE THERE ARE IN THE AFOREMENTIONED SPECIFIC SCENARIOS (I.E. NO SOUL TRIGGERS IN DECK, NO CLIMAXES IN THEIR DECK), OR AFTER THE DAMAGE HAS ALREADY BEEN DEALT. I DONT KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ACTUALLY REALIZE HOW DIFFICULT AND COMPLEX ATTACK ORDER CAN BE, ESPECIALLY WHEN IN MOST CASES, THE ANSWERS ARE ONLY THERE IN RETROSPECT. IF YOU SWING FOR 1 DAMAGE, 2 DAMAGE, THEN 1 DAMAGE, AND THEY CANCEL ON THE LAST DAMAGE FROM EACH ATTACK, YOU CAN BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THE POTENTIAL 1 DAMAGE YOU MISSED FROM NOT DOING 1 AGAIN ON THE SECOND ATTACK, BUT ITS NOT LIKE YOU KNEW HE’D CANCEL THERE ANYWAYS SO WHY BOTHER. TRYING TO ASSESS THE SITUATION AT HAND AND EVALUATE THE CORRECT ATTACK ORDER AND SOUL SWINGS IS ALWAYS PRETTY STRESSFUL, AND ITS WHY PEOPLE WILL GET HYPED WATCHING A GUY TRIGGER A STOCK SOUL TO OVERSWING FOR 2, AND THEN WATCH THE OPPONENT CANCEL BECAUSE OF THE 2 SOUL TRIGGER. IF YOU COULD ACCOUNT FOR THESE RANDOM FACTORS ALL THE TIME, WEISS WOULD BE A LOT MORE STALE AND PROBABLY A LOT MORE EASIER.

CHAPTER 2: WHATS THE POINT

NOW IM GONNA TRY TO FIND A BALANCE HERE TO GET MY POINT ACROSS, CAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR ME AS WELL CAUSE I DONT RELAPSE INTO BEING A SHITTER. I THINK WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS, YOU SHOULD BE INVESTED ENOUGH TO CARE ABOUT THE GAME, AND DO WHAT YOU CAN TO WIN, BUT DONT EXPECT ANYTHING AUTOMATIC AS A RESULT. THERES NOTHING IN THE RULES OF THE GAME THAT SAY YOU SHOULD CANCEL MORE THAN YOUR OPPONENT BECAUSE YOU HAVE HIGHER COMPRESSION. MATHEMATICALLY AND OFTEN PRACTICALLY, YES, THIS IS THE CASE, BUT THERES ENOUGH ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE HORROR STORIES TO PROVE THAT IT ISNT ALWAYS THE CASE.

IF YOU FOCUS ON THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN YOUR GAME, THEN YOULL PROBABLY TILT OUT AND LOSE. ITS A LOT EASIER TO SAY, “I GIVE UP, FUCK THIS GAME WHATEVER, YOLO 2 SOULS XDDD” THAN TO KEEP A COOL HEAD. ITS ALSO REALLY FUN TO COMPLAIN AND BITCH, I GET IT, BUT DONT SOUND LIKE AN ENTITLED ASSHOLE EVERY TIME SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU. GET OVER YOURSELF, GET OVER THE GAME, AND PLAY SOME MORE, I DUNNO MAN WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. GENERALLY I JUST THINK LOOKING AT YOUR “BAD LUCK” OR YOUR “OPPONENT SACKING” IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT IS AN IMPORTANT THING IF YOU WANNA GET BETTER. SOME GAMES ITS JUST THE WORST THO, SO I HOPE YOU FUCKERS CAN STAY STRONG IN THOSE SITUATIONS. FOR THE REST OF THE SITUATIONS, DONT ACT LIKE THE GAME OWES YOU ANYTHING FOR PLAYING “RIGHT”. THATS JUST KINDA RETARDED AND POMPOUS. LET THE FRESH AIR IN, HAVE AN OPEN MIND, TAKE IT ON THE CHIN LIKE A CHAMP, AND REALLY JUST DONT STAGNATE INTO A EXCEPTIONALLY BITTER PLAYER.

AND REALLY, IF YOURE STILL GONNA BE BITTER ABOUT SHIT AFTER READING THIS AND THINKING ABOUT IT, YOU CAN ALWAYS BLACK CLOCK KICKERS AND REST/ANTI-DAMAGE PUNCHES. THAT JUST LITERALLY TELSL YOUR OPPONENT AND THE GAME, “NO FUCK YOU, IM IN CONTROL NOW, BITCH”. BUT SERIOUSLY, THATS WHY THOSE EFFECTS ARE SO POWERFUL, THEY TURN A VERY WISH WASHY “MAYBE” INTO A VERY DEFINITE “YES” OR “NO”. SAME WITH CANCEL BURNS AND MUSASHIS, BUT YOUR OPPONENT CAN STILL “MAYBE” THEIR WAY OUT OF THOSE IF THEYRE A FUCKING GOD. EVEN SOMETHING LIKE CLOWN GLASSES IN THE RIGHT SITUATIONS IS JUST REALLY DISGUSTING, TURNING 2 IN 6 INTO 4 IN 8 IS LIKE, PRETTY TERRIFYING WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT.

CHAPTER 3: I DONT EVEN KNOW MAN

I WENT INTO THIS WITH VERY LITTLE IDEAS OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT, AND LEFT WITH VERY LITTLE IDEA OF WHAT I JUST TALKED ABOUT. I THIN KTHESE CONCEPTS ARE MORE ON THE ABSTRACT SIDE, MORESO THAN THE METAGAMING STUFF, BUT ITS IMPORTANT STUFF TO TALK ABOUT NONETHELESS. I HOPE I HELPED SOMEONE TODAY, AND AT THE VERY LEAST, I HOPE SOMEONE LIKED MY DANK MEMES, THOUGH A LITTLE LESS DANK THAT USUAL IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF

ALSO HEY YEA THIS IS A THING NOW HEY FOLLOW ME ON TWEET BIRD. INFREQUENT AND JARRING ARTICLES NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? THEN YOU CAN FOLLOW MY SHENANIGANS ELSEWHERE ON THE WEB WHERE I TAKE PICTURES OF MY YUYU-TEI ORDERS AND MAKE BAD JOKES. IT’LL BE FUN. I SWEAR. GUYS I KNOW YOU CAN GET ME MORE FOLLOWERS THAN LUPE FIASCO LETS DO IT.

ANYWAYS, I HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY TO GO TO. ITS DOWNSTAIRS, AND I INVITED NO ONE EXCEPT THIS KEG OF HEINEKEN, SO ILL BE DOWN THERE A WHILE. HAVE FUN, MY CHILDREN, TRY NOT TO SALT AS MUCH, AND SIT DOWN AND RATIONALIZE THE GAME INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING YOU GOT “WEISSED”.

UNCLE BUTTS OUT.