Straight Edge Baby Born with Three X Chromosomes

PASADENA, Calif. — Straight edge parents Mike and Joy Harmon were ecstatic to learn that their newborn daughter, MacKaye, was born with three X chromosomes, according to sources close to the family.

“We always knew our baby would be straight edge, but to be given this medically recognized, super-edge bundle of joy is beyond our wildest dreams,” said an elated Mr. Harmon. “We have a Chain of Strength onesie ready for her as soon as she gets home.”

The Harmons tried to conceive for several months, struggling to engage in reproduction while living dull, banal lives free from chemical enhancement and promiscuity.

“We tried everything to get pregnant. At one particularly low point, we discussed having sex more than once a week, but that felt too debauched and dirty,” said Mrs. Harmon, still shaken by the thought. “But one night, we took the Judge poster down and turned the lights off… and now, we have a straight edge miracle baby.”

The attending doctor was not as optimistic as the new parents.

“Little MacKaye is going to face a lot of challenges as she becomes an adult,” explained scene-savvy Dr. Sheila Smith. “Her social life will be a nightmare. She will constantly be told by drunk people how ‘cool’ it is that she doesn’t drink, and continually suffer the heartbreak of close friends breaking edge once they get to college.”

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Derreck Flowers, the nurse who helped deliver baby MacKaye, was tasked by the Harmons to make sure Throwdown’s Beyond Repair played on repeat in the delivery room during labor.

“Mrs. Harmon was clear that she only wanted the baby exposed to straight edge classics. She’d played lots of Uniform Choice around the house during her last trimester,” said Flowers. “But I think they took it a little too far. They wouldn’t accept the congratulatory candy cigars I give to all new parents — they called it a ‘gateway candy.’”

After a long night, the Harmons were eager to get home and start the bonding experience between baby MacKaye and her new collection of 7” records, but still had a few loose ends to wrap before they could.

“We really want to get home and relax, but they’re telling us we can’t leave the hospital until she gets vaccinated? Come on. The last thing I need is for my baby to get addicted to vaccines. She’s going to be poison free for life,” said Mr. Harmon.

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Article by Davin Givhan @detanglermusic.