EXT. CRYSTAL LAKE WOODS - NIGHT

JASON VOORHEES sits on an old, rickety wooden bench, his

machete stabbed into the ground next to him. As he reads

"Dictionary of American Hand Tools" by the light of the moon,

he sticks a Twizzler into one of the mouth-area holes of his

hockey mask and bites the end off.

His head jerks to attention at the approaching sound of

people talking. Pulling his machete from the ground, he

scrambles to his feet and hurries to hide among the trees and

bushes behind the bench.

A man and a woman, GREG and KELLY, emerge from a clearing,

followed by another man and woman, NATE and STACIE. They are

all 19-year-olds in hiking gear. Nate and Stacie make out

with each other as they walk.

GREG

Look, this part of the path is all

overgrown. Maybe they hid it here.

KELLY

I thought you knew the exact

location.

Nate pulls his face away from Stacie's.

NATE

Well I think this exact location is

a good one for gettin' it on!

Nate gropes Stacie.

STACIE

(giggling)

I thought we were going to find the

hidden hippie weed first.

Jason spies on the group from his hiding spot, gripping the

handle of his machete.

NATE

I don't care anymore. We've been

going around in circles.

KELLY

Nate's right, Greg. You know, if

you've forgotten where it is, I

really don't think Nate and Stacie

would mind. They'd just scamper

off together anyway.

NATE

That is very correct, Kelly.

KELLY

And then we'd be alone with each

other.

GREG

Uh...well...

Kelly slowly reaches a hand out for one of Greg's.

KELLY

So what do you say?

Before she can make contact, he raises both hands in

surrender.

GREG

Okay, okay, I have a confession to

make. I didn't bring you all out

here to hunt for a secret weed

stash.

KELLY

Wait, what?

NATE

I knew it! We're having an orgy!

STACIE

An orgy?!

Jason raises his machete.

GREG

No, not that either.

Jason lowers his machete.

GREG

We've been going in circles because

I've been looking for the right

place where I can tell you...the

horrific legend of Jason Voorhees.

KELLY

You...brought us out here to tell

us a campfire story?

GREG

Well, I forgot the campfire, but

join me on that bench over there

and I'll still tell you the

terrifying tale...if you dare!

Greg heads toward the bench.

KELLY

(humoring him)

Ohh-kay, sure thing.

Kelly turns to Stacie.

KELLY

(hushed)

Why'd you set me up with this guy?!

STACIE

(hushed)

You're the one who wanted a rebound

date after you broke up with

Johnny. Just go with it.

Nate nuzzles Stacie's neck.

NATE

I heard scary stories are a great

aphrodisiac.

KELLY

Fine.

Kelly turns and joins Greg on the bench as he digs through

his backpack.

KELLY

All right, big boy, thrill me.

Greg takes out a flashlight, turns it on and shines it under

his face.

GREG

Once upon a time in the 1950s...

Kelly shoots an annoyed glare at Stacie, who gives a thumbs

up as she and Nate make out.

GREG

...there was this kid named Jason

Voorhees. And he drowned in the

very lake that we are near right

now. And it was the '50s, so they

just left his body there.

Jason's attention focuses on Nate and Stacie as they get down

on the ground and grope each other.

KELLY

Is that so.

GREG

His mom got mad at the counselors

at the old summer camp because they

were supposed to be watching him,

so she killed a bunch of them.

Then one of the counselors chopped

her head off. But it turned out

Jason was alive, so he killed that

counselor and started haunting

these very woods.

KELLY

(dismissively)

Well, gee, that sure was a scary

sto-

GREG

Then he killed a ton of people over

like a three or four-day period.

Eventually he was killed by a kid

who slammed a machete into the side

of his head.

KELLY

Oh, okay. So I guess we're

actually safe from -

GREG

Then when that kid grew up he

accidentally brought Jason back to

life with lightning.

KELLY

Oh for godsakes.

GREG

That was after a copycat killer,

though.

KELLY

Uh-huh.

GREG

Then he fought a psychic girl and

went to Manhattan where he was

dissolved by toxic waste.

KELLY

That pesky toxic waste. Hey Greg,

see Nate and Stacie over there?

Nate pulls his shirt off as Stacie unbuttons hers.

GREG

Yeah?

Kelly scoots closer to Greg.

KELLY

They giving you any ideas?

GREG

You're right. All that exposed

skin is definitely going to need

some bug spray.

He puts down the flashlight and goes for his backpack again.

KELLY

No - just...is this damn story

over yet?

GREG

Well, after that he possessed some

people and went to Hell.

Nate starts sliding Stacie's bra off.

Jason starts raising his machete.

GREG

But Freddy Krueger released him

from Hell. Then he killed Freddy

Krueger. Now, Freddy Krueger was a

guy in Ohio who -

Nate and Stacie immediately turn to Greg, Stacie pulling her

bra back on.

NATE/STACIE

Hey, wait a minute!

Jason's machete-wielding arm freezes in position. He cocks

his head.

STACIE

What happened between the toxic

waste part and the possessing

people part?

NATE

Yeah, there's a big continuity

question in your story, Greg.

KELLY

Oh goddamn it!

Jason lowers his machete and throws his head back in

frustration.

GREG

That's a good point.

Greg pulls a thick stack of papers from his backpack.

GREG

I've outlined some theories

regarding -

Kelly knocks the papers out of Greg's hands.

KELLY

No more! All I wanted was a fun

night out after my breakup!

(sighing)

I could really use that weed right

now.

NATE

It's always important to fix plot

holes, Kelly.

Stacie starts buttoning her shirt.

STACIE

That's right. How can we stay

turned on when there's a glaring

gap in the timeline?

NATE

Yeah, definitely no sex until we

get this figured out.

Jason facepalms.

GREG

Maybe we did need the campfire.

Kelly holds her head in her hands.

KELLY

This is so dumb.

GREG

I know. I'm sorry for my shaky

narrative structure.

Greg opens a beer bottle, the sound causing Jason to perk up.

KELLY

Wait, where'd you get beer?

GREG

I had it.

Jason excitedly readies his machete.

KELLY

This whole time?!

GREG

Yeah. Wanna swig?

KELLY

Gimme that!

Kelly grabs the bottle and begins guzzling it, prompting

Jason to charge out at the group.

GREG

It's Jason!

NATE

Oh shit!

STACIE

Oh no! Are we gonna die?!

GREG

I guess so!

Kelly spits out the beer.

KELLY

Hold on, this is root beer!

Jason stops dead in his tracks.

KELLY

What the hell, Greg?!

GREG

What? I'm not gonna get drunk and

stumble around the woods at night.

It's dangerous.

Jason groans to the sky in exasperation. The group watches

as he stomps over to a tree, punches into it with his fist,

pulls out a big bag of marijuana, throws it on Kelly's lap,

and then storms away.

Everyone sits in silence for a moment.

GREG

So...after the toxic waste melted

him, he possibly turned back into a

kid, but that might have been

someone's hallucination.

Jason returns, approaching Kelly. She flinches as he swings

his machete and slices open the bag of weed. He reaches in

and takes some before trudging off again.

EXT. LARGE BUILDING - BORDER OF WOODS - NIGHT

Jason lumbers out of the woods with pot smoke billowing from

his mask, a joint sticking out of one of the holes over his

mouth. He holds up a sheet of cardboard with "i saRRaNdaR"

scrawled on it as he makes his way toward a building, passing

a sign that reads "Crystal Lake Research Facility - Opening

June 13, 2008."

THE END