lewisandquark:

The King’s Arms. The Bell and Bucket. The Black Bull Inn. The Beggar’s Bridge. A pub’s name is part of its soul, often highly unique, often hundreds of years old, often with a story behind it. A simple computer program couldn’t hope to give a proper name to a pub. But what if it tried?

Timothea Armour asked me to find out, as part of a project called “The Last Hour!” on the cultural peculiarities of pubs, commissioned by Collective, a gallery in Scotland. I’ve been training a type of computer program called a neural network to generate names for all kinds of things - guinea pigs, craft beers, and paint colors. Neural networks are a bit different from regular computer programs: In the usual kind of computer programming, a human invents rules that a computer has to follow. With neural networks, however, the human only gives the computer some examples to learn from, and the computer invents its own rules about how to make more examples.

Timothea gave me a list of 1,053 pubs from the northeast of England from a database compiled by Colin Anderson, and I fed these names into an open-source neural network framework.

After just a little bit of time training, the neural network had made some progress - after all, it starts with no idea of whether it’s supposed to be generating prose or musical notation or Finnish grocery lists. It had to form its own rules about capitalization, and line breaks, and which letters go with which other letters. And these names - well, some of them - are already identifiable as possibly pub-like, though at this stage none of them are usable.



Euceseeettigwtird Arms

Tea Posh Basei

Innery

Ga iral Ferk

Thod Inn Inn

Darn Funk Inn

Alan

Ars Swoos Loveles

Noms

Lick Aams Tteat

Armharoh Hams

Olk Ars Hotle

Moveam Treee

Slamlongs Arms

Roll

Brrew

keg Arme Horel

Booge Houne

Arse Inn

Tumen Poodes Cavel Coundor Horse

Baak

Hotey Bead Inn

Fl Wlofler Arms

Oleetrar Moor Corore oad Bite & Chuts Wotee Vonehscon Cresks Arms

After the neural network has looked through the list of names about 11 times, it has made a bit more progress. These mostly sound like pub names, though there’s definitely still something off about them.

Tostars Inn

Liad Cush House

Blawky Arms

Stons Of Horse

Blaksigth Arms

Whistle Plan Hotel

Bracken of Crovn

Coksarnss Hotel

Vulck fod Lick

Bool House

Many Inn

Horshy Ban

Crownreal Top

Drock of Conshersland

Prickhomidd Arms

Bill Inn

Dhodalgoat Hotel

Facg Manf Hell Hotel

By 17 times through the dataset, the neural network still doesn’t quite have the knack for this.

Whoneas Grey Hotel Hotel Hotel Trlety Eln’s Arms

Phite

Meathord

Green Head Hotel

Bhickloy Farp Arms

Wharberb Bark

Hirlamion Crapy

Grile & Fumthorse

Male Dora

Rey Ofe White Bear Pivsing Jambork Hotel

Cumperlel

Watersy Head

Ox Cadder Inn

Bar of El

Carhey Orb

Boak Hotel Inn

Whee Blinf

Plowde Tree

Bleak Clad

Angely Arms

By 21 times through the dataset, the neural network has shown some signs of improvement, but most of the names still need work.

Elden Mens

Collick Inn

King Brad Inn

Load Hotel

Torn House Inn

Rob Inn

Thanes of Lampel

Gurn uf Staneton Hell

Garled Blorge

Roods Cocket

Horn Blawde

Inn House Inn

Tivern

Got Blewe

Wot n Arms Hotel

Arm Savers

The names eventually get more consistently pronounceable, and very occasionally, even believable. But mostly, they’re a bit substandard. At this stage, the neural network has had 35 tries at the original dataset, and still thinks “Bill” is a pretty good name for a pub.

Green Green

Frown Arms

Plucksick

Bill

Horse Long Bog

Lede Lick Hotel

Farter Inn

Ports Bean

Fin Dune

The Beelly Gam

Tha Dlee Fark House

Phan House Naw

Old Mess

Now and Inn

Fripy Whee Bore Inn

Ladside Inn

Hogs Thee Inn

Shur Hiad House Hotel Hotel

Old Ash Ox Horse Inn

Bleak Clab

Bark Inn

Blisksmerd

Shorthood

Rat Horses

Wheee Travel

Sham

New Shins

Ferp’s Brel

Forty times through the dataset, and it also has not relented on its odd preference for rude-sounding names. The pubs of northeast England are in general a lot more innocuous than this.

F'ing Hotel

The Gland Greene

Old Farders Arms

King Shams

Bliyffinge

The Blande Tree

Blink Bear

Gole Clown Hotel

Hall of Sprong

Firdwock Hotel

Dur & Thimpers

Dorty Hounds

Phage Farm

Ox Kings

Kingfarter Mantle

I’m not even trying here. As the neural network progresses in its training, the proportion of terrible pub names only increases.

Bollock Hotel

Flee

Sun Farm

Pubber Arms

Blanding Weed

Willey

Farters Red Hotel

F Kings

Moldy Goine

Pant Cabber

Hell

Castle Stan

Crown & Three Hotel

Grey Trip

Now that the neural network has gone through the dataset a hundred times, I can only conclude: don’t use a computer to name your next pub.

Belle Inn

Crow’s Rest

Mingside Arms

Crown & Fathous

Stonebredde Arms

Old Festerlan

Burn Horse Hotel

Doss of Wulling of Stank

Shore’s Castle Crustle Hotel

Lick Inn

Odd Lingwion

Lambles

Loons Hall

Thringeron Arms

Flint Horse

The All House

Dean & Funtling

Old Hell Kick

Jolly Trocks

Wallow Arms

Were there worse names that I didn’t include here? You bet there were. There are two ways to see them: 1) After Sept 22, 2017, look for the “Last Hour!” newspaper in pubs all over Edinburgh, Scotland, where you can find a version of this article that includes the rudest names as well. 2) Follow this link and I’ll email those names to you now. They’re quite rude, though.