Jonathan Papelbon Arrested After Strangling Man with 17 Grocery Items in “15 Items Or Less” Line SportsPickle Follow Sep 29, 2015 · 2 min read

BETHESDA, MD — Suspended Washington Nationals closer Jonathan Papelbon is in police custody today after being arrested for attempting to strangle a customer in line in front of him at Whole Foods who placed 17 items on the belt in the “15 Items Or Less” express checkout line.

Papelbon nearly choked the elderly man out before he was pulled away by cashier ladies and an egg delivery man. Police were immediately called to the scene by the store manager while Papelbon was held on the ground.

“Is there no code here?! Is there no code in this Whole Foods?!” Papelbon repeatedly yelled. “That man had 17 items! The sign clearly said 15! Someone had to say what needed to be said! Has the whole world gone mad?!”

Get up to $200 bonus when you use code PICKLE to register a new FanDuel account!

But according to eye witnesses, Papelbon said almost nothing to the 84-year old grandfather of 11 before locking his hands around the man’s neck.

“I heard Papelbon counting out the last few items the man placed on the belt, ‘13, 14, 15, 16 … 17!’” said a woman who saw the attack. “He got louder with each number. And when that last item hit the belt, he screamed ‘SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!’ and began strangling the guy with all his might.”

Reactions were mixed throughout the grocery store over the incident. Some said that the “15 items” limit is more a loose suggestion, like a speed limit; while others said many people take advantage of the express aisle and try to go through with large orders. “I’m glad someone finally did something about it,” said one cashier who wished to remain anonymous.

Leo Altshazer, the local retirement home resident Papelbon attacked, said he didn’t intentionally go over the 15-item limit.

“I grabbed a handful of caramels from the candy aisle,” said Altshazer, rubbing his neck. “I didn’t know exactly how many I got and I didn’t know each individual caramel counted as an item.”

Papelbon is expected to be bailed out of jail later today by Nationals manager Matt Williams.