Trigger warning: this piece contains details regarding a healthy and fulfilling sex life. If it offends you in any way, or triggers your memories of unsatisfying and boring sex, you are welcome to step away from the computer and run to the nearest safe space.

Dear Mr. McIntosh,

a few weeks ago I jokingly addressed your tweet, calling it oppressive on the premises that I am a woman who loves to give blow jobs.

You blocked me.

What disappoints me the most is not that my tweet was dismissed as trolling/harassment, but that my curiosity was left unsatisfied. The reason why I am writing this letter is because I am curious to know why I should feel demeaned by something I like.

I do not like blow jobs because they make me feel “empowered,” I physically enjoy them.

Just the other day I squirted in the middle of giving one, how is that not deriving pleasure from a sexual interaction?

What makes you think you know what people derive pleasure from? Who are you, Jonathan McIntosh, to tell my boyfriend what he should or should not let me do to his body? If I am such an empowered woman I have the right and the means to inform my sexual partners of what I am or am not willing to do in bed.

Women are free not to like blow jobs, but men are also free to feel sexually incompatible with these women.

The same happens when a woman who can only orgasm when receiving oral sex dates a man who hates to give it: they will probably break up.

In the end, every couple works it out their own way.

What makes you think discouraging blow jobs is more effective than encouraging a healthy dialogue within the couple?

Your tweet reminded me of priests, when they tell teenage boys that if they masturbate “Jesus cries.”

The kind of men who care about your tweets want to be respectful towards women just as much as those teenage boys want to be respectful towards Jesus.

It is no mystery that your target audience consists of people who already agree with you, since you seem to block everyone who doesn’t.

These men already think they are contributing to rape culture without knowing it, would you at least leave them alone about the one thing that can only happen consensually?





Third wave feminism, like Marxism and like most religions, just doesn’t seem to take human nature into account.

You can theorise that people will be okay with sharing all resources equally, regardless of their personal merit;

or choosing God over sex for the rest of their lives;

or basing their sex life solely on pleasing their partner.

It’s just not going to happen.

Your statement is in fact much more demeaning toward women than a blow job itself.

You talk about anyone who is not a cis male as a unified mass sharing the same sexual preferences.

But even in cases where a preference is shared by the majority of people, there is always a minority who disagrees.

Take orgasms, for example: 75% of women cannot orgasm without some kind of clitoral stimulation.

It’s a vast majority, but it does not represent everyone. The remaining 25% is divided in lucky women who can orgasm either way, and girls like me who can have exclusively vaginal orgasms.

Sex education and feminism are the reason why it took me so long to be able to enjoy sex.

One was telling me that in order to orgasm I had to do things that, in reality, weren’t even turning me on; the other was telling me that the things I enjoyed (like doggy style) were demeaning and unacceptable.

But I am aware of being an exception, I don’t expect the way we talk about orgasms to change for me.

Men who like blowjobs on the other hand are the rule, and their preference should matter.

I don’t think consensual sex should be a feminist issue, I think it should be the field of more open minded people with at least a notion of how the human body works. But if feminists are truly so concerned with people’s sex life they should concentrate on promoting healthy interactions and self exploration rather than shame.

Today women are encouraged to explore their sexuality and pursue what satisfies them, while men are encouraged to do the opposite, and “check their privilege” every time they get turned on.

How are boys expected to grow into functional (let alone good) sexual partners if they don’t learn to understand and fulfill their own needs?

How is sex ever going to be enjoyable for boys if they associate arousal with guilt and shame for their own desires?



You are a writer, and unlike me you have the advantage -I guess you would call it privilege- to be a native English speaker.

This is not trolling, it is not harassment.

These are all legitimate questions, and there is no reason for you not to answer.

Sincerely,

Sugar Kane

P.S. Because you don’t seem to know much about blow jobs, here is a cool infographic I think could help you keep an open mind in the future.