Warning – there’s a strong likelihood that this story will send you into a dizzying seizure that you’ll never recover from.

Ready? OK – Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper. Wait, because it gets worse. Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper and Casey Affleck is making a documentary about it. Wait, though, because it gets worse.

The reason why Casey Affleck is directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix becoming a rapper is because Diddy has decided to teach him how to rap. We dare you to think of a worse idea than that. You’ve got all day.

It would be wrong of us to admit to a small amount of grudging respect for Joaquin Phoenix. That’s because you can’t define our feelings for Joaquin Phoenix with a paltry word like ‘respect’. It’s more like the kind of gaping, slack-jawed fascination that you’d usually reserve for a fire-eater or a dog on a trampoline.

The man’s a genius. Joaquin Phoenix is a genius. He’s obviously sat down at some point and “OK, how can I top interrupting an interview to sincerely ask if I’ve got frogs in my hair?” before deciding “I know, I’ll retire from acting forever even though it’s probably the only thing I’m any good at.”

But then Joaquin Phoenix decided that even that didn’t reach the amazing heights he’d set for himself, so he set aside time for an angry, incoherent, prematurely-axed interview to announce his retirement. And yet, despite that video being the greatest thing we’ve ever watched, Joaquin Phoenix still thought he could do better.

So he has. It’s been announced that Casey Affleck is making a documentary following Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to music. To rap music. To rap music under the tutelage of arch bellend Diddy. Unless someone is playing a very cruel prank on us, this is all true. IGN reports:

Phoenix famously announced his intention to trade acting for music last spring, and while many thought it was a joke, it now appears he was deadly serious, with Phoenix working on an album under the guidance of rap legend Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs. Long-time friend Casey Affleck will make a documentary about his efforts. and according to The Hollywood Reporter, principal photography will commence… tonight.

It’s not just us, is it? None of this makes any sense to you either, right? Joaquin Phoenix is becoming a rapper, Diddy’s helping him and Ben Affleck‘s little brother is making a film about it because it’s so important. We think we need to lie down.

We’ve thought long and hard about this – perhaps longer and harder than anyone healthy person probably should – and there’s only one conclusion we can reach.

Still stung by not winning an Oscar for Walk The Line, Joaquin Phoenix has watched how readily Mickey Rourke has been welcomed back by Hollywood after spending years pursuing a cack-headed career as a professional boxer, and so he’s decided to follow suit. Only Joaquin’s not much of a fighter and the only thing as ridiculous as boxing is becoming a professional rapper.

That has to be it, doesn’t it? It has to be.

Still, what with Russell Crowe‘s continued ill-advised foray into music and now Joaquin Phoenix’s hip-hop career getting off the ground, it’s becoming clear that the movie Gladiator was the place to be to see a number of woeful Hollywood vanity projects take shape. With this in mind, we eagerly await Sir Derek Jacobi‘s debut single – rumoured to be a cover of Murder Ya Bloodclart by Vital Elements.

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