Quantum computers remain in their nascent stages; scientists still get excited at modest achievements like manipulating two quantum bits (“qubits”) for even a few seconds. How puny our scientific goals must seem when extraterrestrial beings have already moved on to treating diseases uncurable by humanity using a quantum computer nestled in a secret location somewhere inside Switzerland.

This is the way of things, according to Dr. J.S. Van Cleave, who runs QuantumMan, a website that sells the “world’s first downloadable medicine” courtesy of the mysterious Zurich Alpine Group (ZAG). The site hawks all manner of cures, from veterinary treatments to chiropractic adjustments along with “fat killers,” laxatives, detoxes, and sexual dysfunction cures. Want a vaccine against colds, malaria, or the flu? No problem—just download it to your smartphone.

I called Dr. Van Cleave and asked him if I could sample one of the veterinary treatments for use on my cats. He asked what the problem was; I replied that one of the cats is, not to put too fine a point on it, quite barfy. Dr. Van Cleave helpfully sent me a package of 25 “portal access keys” that could be “downloaded” to treat the cat.

The miracle cures are said to work by “unlocking” a portal between the remote quantum computer in Switzerland and the cat’s brain using whatever device the portal key is opened on: smartphone, tablet, or personal computer. The cat must be nearby, well hydrated, and rested. (According to the instructions, it must not recently have eaten “sugars, yeast, or cheese” due to their well-known portal interference properties.) With the portal open between Switzerland and my cat's brain, the remote quantum computer could use quantum transmissions to quantumly diagnose and quantumly “treat the cause” of the disease to “stop it dead in its tracks," quantumly.

Or, in the company's own words:

Portal Access Key™ unlocks a quantum portal developed by ZAG that allows bioinformation to flow from ZAG's quantum computer directly to the neural network of your brain, another quantum computer, via quantum teleportation. This quantum data delivers physiologic directives that program the brain to effect a medical solution... Nearly all QuantumXtreme™ medicines have repeater programming embedded in their data that allows delivery of their physiologic directives several times a day, up to 30 days, with extreme precision and no loss of potency. As a result, the compliance resulting from ease of use of QuantumXtreme™ medicines far exceeds that of conventional pharmaceuticals.

Sounds plausible. I logged into the QuantumMan site, where 25 of my “portal access keys” were waiting for download. I herded my cats away from my computer in the remote chance that some kind of swirling portal to hell should open up in my living room, and I pressed the “unlock and launch portal” button.

I was taken to a page with a GIF meant to show that science was happening. An “action and status” menu showed me that the quantum computer in Switzerland was, at that very moment, completing one task after another, including “installing master programs” in the cat's cerebrum, “correcting the polarity of and re-aligning bio-electric energy fields,” “cleansing the aura,” and “opening blockages” in a feline chakra.

Judging by the focus on the "chakra," extraterrestrial medicine is oddly indebted to the Hindu belief system. Further, extraterrestrial medicine can find and make atomic adjustments to the brain of a cat that is both 1) in motion and 2) nowhere near the portal key download device, which happily went on "installing the master program." The cat, safely across the room, remained unaware of the "treatment."

Further observation over the next few days sadly showed no decline in barfiness.

“We have to kind of keep certain things quiet”

In a phone interview with Van Cleave, I noted that only in the last couple of years have scientists achieved breakthroughs with quantum teleportation, and then only over a few miles of free space. So how could a quantum computer entangle its qubits with those in the purported quantum computer that is my cat’s brain from some 6,000 miles away, such that quantum teleportation of information could take place?

“What you’ve been reading [in the press] is what China has accomplished, some of the other countries,” Van Cleave said, calling conventional quantum technology “extremely primitive.” Using his quantum computer tucked away in Switzerland, treatments could potentially take place between Earth and the moon.

I asked about the technical specifications of this quantum computer. What kind of processor does it have? “It doesn’t have processors.” Does it have memory? “It has memory. It has programs… literally, there are thousands and thousands of programs.” Van Cleave stated that the computer “doesn’t look like a typical computer would.” I asked what kind of power it used—AC? “Not the kind of power you’re accustomed to understanding," he said. "This is extraterrestrial technology 2,000 years ahead of its time.”

Van Cleave has never personally seen the computer, however, nor does he know exactly where it is. “We have to kind of keep certain things quiet," he said, like "where they’re located.”

In case this sounds dubious, the website features a handful of testimonials in which customers make subjective assessments of the “treatments,” such as one that gave a woman “lots of insight.” Clinical trials are also offered—but by "clinical trial," QuantumMan means exactly one person who suffered from some malady, applied a quantum treatment, and got better (per their own account). The scientific method in rare form!

QuantumMan’s vet treatments, called QuantumMan Tricorder Plus (for the Star Trek fans out there), were actually exhibited in the South Hall of the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) back in January. Though CES booths can run quite small, they still cost thousands of dollars, not to mention the cost of staying in Las Vegas for the duration of the show. A man named Michael Uehara represented the company at the show, and according to Uehara’s LinkedIn bio, he’s been working for the Zurich Alpine Group for six years.

He also tweeted to Bill Gates in May, asking for help distributing QuantumMan’s malaria vaccine. Bill Gates, as he probably does for so many entreaties to promote malaria vaccines, did not respond, since malaria vaccines do not exist.

What is the relationship between Van Cleave and Uehara? Are they the same person? What about the relationship between ZAG and QuantumMan? Why does the founder of ZAG go by the name—I kid you not—"Dr. X"? How can someone build a quantum computer in Switzerland and keep it entirely hidden? How does QuantumMan find the cash to attend events like CES? So many questions, so few answers.

Well, we might be able to answer that last one; QuantumMan’s services do not come cheap. Quantum Weight Control costs $100 for a month of treatment that should continue until a weight goal is reached with no indication of how quickly it works; MethCure, a nine month treatment that rids people of their pesky meth addictions, is priced at $1,000.

Too low on funds to partake of these miracle cures? There’s always the QuantumMan Money Download—$50 for a set of downloads to access “the field of energy… referred to as the Divine Matrix” which can be tweaked (quantumly) to increase your “potential for abundance.”