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For legal reasons he can only be named as ‘Journalist F’, but today this young member of The Daily Mail’s editorial staff is in hiding as threats and invective continue to spew from Paul Dacre’s office after their top secret editorial formula was leaked to the press.

Journalist F, rumoured to be less than five years in the job, somehow gained access to Dacre’s high-security office, known in journalistic circles as ‘Fortress Britain’, and saw the secret formula tacked to the wall. Shocked by its similarity to a public transport system so often maligned within The Daily Mail’s own pages, he rolled it up, put it under his jacket and walked out of his job into a media firestorm.

“He’ll never work in this town again,” promised Jan Moir today, “We all know who it is and even if he becomes bisexual, moves to Hackney and smokes a pipe, he won’t even be able to get a job on The Guardian. He won’t get that far down the street. We have eyes, you hear me? Eyes!”

Speculation that The Daily Mail’s success was down to a top secret formula started in the late eighties, but it was dismissed as Fleet Street legend along with the real parentage of the Hitchens brothers and that thing Una Stubbs is into.

Though such explicit mapping of the newspaper’s friends and enemies have set tongues wagging, the main surprise seems to have been the bizarre use of the underground system. Reports that The Daily Star’s secret formula is based on the number 10 bus route remain unconfirmed.