As another endless movie summer draws near, this poster of a nonexistent movie (only the names have not been changed) is a guide to the telltale signs of a truly bad movie:

1. Title -- one-word name of odd creature, e.g.: "Critters" or "Munchies," as in the (unfortunately) real original.

2. A sequel. Almost always worse than the first. 3. Clever tag lines. One gag is not enough for an entire movie. 4. Allen Smithee. This is a standard industry pseudonym used when directors don't want their names on a film.

5. Self-explanatory. 6. Quotes from obscure sources. Used when the big names didn't like the movie. 7. Heavily touted soundtrack. It may be the movie's high point. Buy the CD. 8. Blurb from Susan Granger. She seems to believe that charity begins in her reviews.

9. Prominent firearm. The gun may be the centerpiece of the movie as well as the ad.

10. Ellipses. He might have said: "The chilling sight of deadly popcorn made me. . . . "