‘I have a connection with my kids that most men will never have’

Being a stay-at-home dad was much harder than I expected. You soon realise that most people judge you based on your job. I would dread being out at dinner and people going round the table asking about work. I was often called a house wife jokingly – and people treated me with less respect. It was disappointing and often humiliating. Before having children I was director of a company, and after they started school it took time to get back to work. In the end, I worked part-time and that lead to full-time work. But I now earn less than I did 13 years ago. Even though it was hard, I’d do it all again. As someone who grew up without a dad from an early age, I have a connection with my kids that most men will never have. That’s special.

Andy, Chester

The hardest bit has been the reactions of other men Simon from Leeds

‘I’m lucky – and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat’

Being a stay-at-home dad has been simultaneously the greatest and most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. It’s easy to forget how entertaining the whole thing can be. We’ve learned to sing entire Prince songs while out riding bikes. I can get them to finally get out the front door when I say: “Hey, ho!” they respond: “Let’s go!” And it’s always fun to entertain your friends by calling out to the kids: “Can I kick it?” and they both respond: “Yes you can!” Seriously, you can teach your kids pretty much anything. We’re lucky to have two healthy, active boys who love each other and seeing them grow can be overwhelming.

It tends to confuse people that I’m not planning to go back to employment. Some people couldn’t process the idea that I wanted to stay home with my kids during the only childhood they have. I intend to never be at the office wishing I was home with my kids instead of wasting my time on meaningless tasks and meetings. It’s liberating, but it’s only possible because of the career path of my very successful wife.

The entire time you look after kids at home you’re stuck having an internal debate about how much you contribute to the family. Money gets tight when you’re on one income, so that becomes to be a pressure when you’re not bringing in what you once did. Then again, the majority of my salary went to pay others to care for my kids, so it makes sense to just have them home with me. I realise my place of privilege in the grander scheme of the world, so it’s hard to get too upset when someone doesn’t get it or doesn’t approve. When it gets down to it, I’m lucky, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Jon Cormier, 40, Ottawa, Canada

‘People say I’m lazy and sponging off my wife’

I quit work to look after our two sons because the oldest has Asperger’s and my partner wanted to develop her career. Most people tell us I’m lazy and sponging off my wife. My parents and my parents-in-law think I should have a proper job and “do my bit” to support the family. The parents-in-law haven’t spoken to me in years because they’re so disapproving of my lack of work. Ironically, both sets of parents would be happy for my wife to stay home and look after children.

I would advise any man considering dropping out of the rat race for a few years to care for their child to do it Anonymous

My wife, on the other hand, is very happy with the situation: she’s been able to develop her career, study for two master’s degrees, and avoid the housework and cooking. She has friends and work colleagues who have similar domestic arrangements, and they have also had disapproval from family. Taking time off to have children has also killed my career. I’ll probably shift to some low-paid but low-stress work once our sons leave home. So long as my wife doesn’t divorce me, things should work out fine.

Anonymous, Aberdeenshire

‘It’s the best thing I have ever done’

Being a stay-at-home dad is the best thing I have ever done. Being with our little girl virtually every day and seeing her first steps, words, and learning new things is a priceless experience. My dad has called me lazy but everyone else thinks it is great. A good few male friends have expressed envy at the time I have been able to spend with our child. My wife has had the odd comment from people saying that they would “never give up their domain”. As a freelance photographer, I don’t know how much it will have affected my business, but I suspect I will be pretty much back to square one when I return to work. I would strongly advise any man considering dropping out of the rat race for a few years to care for their child to do it. There is too much emphasis put on money, but its not worth missing out on the experience.

Anonymous, home counties

‘My ex had no respect for the role of a stay-at-home dad’

I didn’t plan to be a stay-at-home dad, but we moved into a new city because of my ex-wife’s job, and I had trouble finding a position that would make more than the costs of childcare. So I took a part-time faculty position at the local community college, and focused on raising the kids. My ex-partner and I completely swapped traditional gender roles – she would complain if her dinner wasn’t waiting for her when she got home from work – and I spent my time running after toddlers, covered in sick, pet hair and urine.



It was the hardest job I have ever had: up with the kids at 5:30am, caring for them, stopping fights, trying to stay occupied and sane. No one tells you how hard it is to go days without adult conversation. But was all worth it – my kids are eight and nine now, and we have a strong bond. However, the relationship with my ex-wife is a shambles. She had no respect for the job of a stay-at-home dad and saw it as effeminate and lazy.

Everyone except my wife was very supportive. Those who had been stay-at-home mothers were the most, as they understood that staying at home is several times more difficult than going to an office. Even the worst boss is kinder than a tired two-year-old.

My kids have been in school for several years now, and I still haven’t been able to find full-time employment. My years as a stay-at-home dad have had huge repercussions on me professionally. It was still worth it though – my kids are great. We have an amazing relationship.

Anonymous, USA

‘The hardest bit has been the reactions of other men’

I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for six years and work part-time. On the whole I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve experienced far more of my kids growing than my wife and that’s a privilege – and I’ve always felt welcomed at parent-child events. The hardest bit has been the reactions of other men. When I meet high-flyers at social occasions, I’ve felt at a loss to explain what I do. There have been times when I’ve found it hard to reconcile my identity with the expectations some people have of men. Co-workers have varied from supportive to bemused. I work in environmental education and having kids has stalled my career. Part-time contracts are fairly easy to find, but full-time staff have definitely been favoured when promotions come up.

Anonymous, UK

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• This article was amended on 7 February 2017 to remove personal details.

