OAK PARK, IL—Saying he hoped the revelation wouldn’t dampen their enthusiasm for the house, realtor Bill Cylkowski informed a couple of potential buyers Thursday that he was obligated to tell them about the murder currently happening in the basement. “Just to let you guys know, I do have to mention that there are four people being killed downstairs right now,” said Cylkowski, adding that he was fully aware that some might consider the in-progress quadruple homicide a deal-breaker. “I know you really love this place, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t forthright about the horrifying tragedy underway at this very moment. I can assure you, however, that the shrieking and pleas for mercy will be complete by your move-in date unless the victims are going to be unexpectedly tortured to death over several weeks.” At press time, Cylkowski was telling the couple that the neighborhood was near some excellent schools and that the previous owners actually had two children roughly the same age as theirs.

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