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August

Liverpool begin the season on a bright and breezy day at home to Southampton and start the game like a house on fire, hitting the post 36 times in the first 15 minutes before start to tail off towards the end of the first half.

Then, a jinking run from Coutinho in which the little Brazilian performs 54 stepovers, a Cruyff turn, a Maradona turn and a three point turn before being felled by Vincent Wanyama, the only player who has been at Southampton for more than a month, wins the Reds a penalty.

Rickie Lambert steps up against his former club and scores past a gloveless Fraser Forster, who was forced to sell his Sondicos for £500,000 to Newcastle.

The second half is a drab affair until Dejan Lovren repeats his Anfield heroics - for Southampton. His own-goal means the game ends 1-1.

Elsewhere in the Premier League, Manchester United start the season with a 4-1 win over Swansea - sending shivers of dread down the spines of each and every manager in the Premier League. Chelsea win 1-0 at Burnley, with Jose Mourinho playing 5-5-0 formation and a last-minute goal from a £24m reserve that has spent six years on loan at Vitesse Arnhem.

Liverpool lose their second game of the season after going in front and dominating in the first half. Unfortunately, City pull one back before the linesman grabs a dramatic last-minute winner. The Reds bounce back with a comfortable win over Tottenham.

Jim White appears at every stadium in the Premier League on a frantic last day. Liverpool, still in need of a striker, announce the signing of a 12-year-old Macedonia striking starlet with just seconds remaining on the clock.

The transfer window comes to a close with Harry Redknapp frantically trying to secure Tony Adams on a one-year £200,000 a week contract. "He's a triffic player," says Harry. Jamie Redknapp agrees.

September

Liverpool continue their impressive start to the season with a routine win over Aston Villa, before heading to West Ham to play Sam Allardyce's side.

"Big Sam", under pressure from the fans, implores his team to play ugly for a change and feels there was nothing wrong when Simon Mignolet is mugged by Matt Jarvis in a balaclava in the build-up to West Ham's goal.

The Merseyside derby, meanwhile, ends 5-5 as both teams continue with their philosophy of trying to outscore each other.

Arsenal continue to win every game and Skybet stop taking bets on them to win the title. At the forefront of their title charge is Sanchez, with a season total of 0 goals, 0 assists and 386 step-overs continues to be Paul Merson and Charlie Nicholas' player of the season.

October

The Reds comfortably beat both West Brom and QPR with Daniel Sturridge scoring in both games. Unfortunately the Reds suffer their routine "Anfield off-day" against Steve Bruce's Hull City, who escape with a 1-0 win. Alex Ferguson sends Bruce a congratulatory text, which Bruce has blown up to the size of his head and put above his mantlepiece.

Meanwhile, Ferguson's old club Man Utd keep in touch with the top four with a 1-0 win over West Brom. Louis van Gaal modestly claims afterwards that he invented the 4-4-2 formation.

Chelsea continue to entertain with a 0-0 draw against Crystal Palace and Newcastle back Alan Pardew despite a run of seven games without a win and his karate chop on an opposition kitman.

November

Liverpool get back on track with a 2-0 win at St. James' Park, before facing Chelsea at Anfield. Jose Mourinho's latest tactical masterclass is to play a 10-0-0, escaping with a 1-0 defeat.

Sky replay Liverpool's 3-3 draw with Crystal Palace 78 times on each of their five channels in the space of four days in the build up to Liverpool's game at Selhurst Park. Dwight Gayle says he is ready to have a similar impact against the Reds.

He watches from the bench as Liverpool win 3-0.

But the Reds can only manage a 0-0 draw with Stoke City, who spend the majority of the game lumping balls up to Bojan.

Arsenal meanwhile, continue to win every game they play. The Premier League get so carried away that the scratch the "A" onto the trophy prematurely.

December

All the Premier League managers band together to hold a mass press conference in which they are to voice their disapproval of the notoriously "hectic winter fixture list ," only for no one to turn up as they are far too busy taking part in the "hectic winter fixture list" to commit to complaining about the "hectic winter fixture list."

They then proceed to grumble about the "hectic winter fixture list" in every post-match press conference until the end of time.

Liverpool's Boxing Day match against Burnley is called off when ex-Clarets goalkeeper Brian Jensen is found on the Turf Moor centre circle in an Eggnog and sausage roll-induced coma and can't be moved by conventional machinery.

He's left there as a warning to the local children on the dangers of festive overindulgence and the match is re-scheduled for a later date.

Oh, and Liverpool win every game this month, progressing into the Champions League second round and beating Arsenal 5-4 after being 4-0 down in 20 minutes.

Merry Christmas.

January

The Reds make it 10 consecutive wins in the league after outfoxing the Foxes and hammering the Hammers.

In between the Reds meet Aston Villa and Sunderland and Martin Skrtel is chokeslammed, powerbombed and bodyslammed by cultured duo Connor Wickham and Christian Beneteke. The Reds concede six goals in the two games, but score 10.

Villa's French left-back Aly Cissokho impresses everyone with his positional sense during the game until he is found wandering down Walton Breck Road 10 minutes into the second half.

Sky Sports attempt to clone Jim White so he can be at every ground at once on transfer deadline day, spending millions of pounds in the process. They finally succeed, only for him to sign a multi-million pound deal with BT Sport soon after. They also snap up the yellow ticker and exclusive rights to deadline day for the next 31 years.

It's money well spent as Harry Redknapp signs Jermaine Jenas and Nicky Barmby on four-year contracts. Robbie Keane meanwhile, gets his dream move to boyhood club Guadalajara in the Mexican Superliga.

February

The month begins with the Merseyside derby, which ends 6-6 as both teams continue with their philosophy of trying to outscore each other.

Reds fans treat their other halves to an exciting Valentine's Day trip to Reading in the FA Cup fifth round. Most end up single soon afterwards, but the Reds march on in the cup, winning 3-0.

Wins over Spurs and Southampton follow. But Man City escape from Anfield with a 2-2 draw.

But Liverpool are eliminated from the Champions League by Legia Warsaw, a surprise entrant in the last 16 following months of pleading with Uefa for one last match. Liverpool, who didn't even realise the game was being played, lose 1-0.

Elsewhere Arsenal continue a losing streak that has seen them lose every single game since the start of the year, but Arsene Wenger dismisses a 5-0 defeat to hated rivals Spurs as "a slip up" and insists that the Gunners goal of Champions League football remains intact.

Louis van Gaal insists his decision to commission a statue of himself outside the Arndale Centre isn't egotistical, insisting it's just reward for someone who helped invent goalposts.

March

Liverpool defeat Burnley and but Clarets boss Sean Dyche endears himself to Merseysiders by charitably volunteering to help out by covering a shift on the doors in Mathew Street the following night.

The Reds look on the verge of defeat in their next game in South Wales at Swansea after a first half 45-yard overhead bicycle kick from Jonjo Shelvey, who refuses to celebrate. He does, however, celebrate in the 95th minute when his back-heel flick pass-back is intercepted by Lambert to salvage a draw for the Reds.

Liverpool then travel to the Louis van Gaal Stadium to face Manchester United. Steven Gerrard is pictured on the front of the OK Magazine in the build-up to game talking about his love affair with the Sky Sports Camera, and shows his love to the world by snogging it one more time after scoring the winner with his fifth penalty of the game.

The Milk/Coca-Cola/Worthington/Carling/Capital One Cup final is won by Newcastle. Alan Pardew is the promptly sacked for failing to meet the club's targets of zero trophies and constant misery.

April

The Premier League enters its final straight with Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester City and Manchester United all neck, neck, neck and (van Gaal's) very long neck.

Liverpool's trip to the Emirates is crucial. Premier League title favourites Arsenal, who are now 27 points off the top having lost every single game since the turn of the year, are now battling for the Fourth Place Trophy.

The Gunners take the lead with a well taken goal from Sanchez, his first of the season. He spends the rest of the game having a well-earned nap with Mesut Ozil on the touchline. Liverpool win 2-1.

Jack Wilshere wins man of the match for his five minute cameo at the end of the game, and commentators hail him as the future of England's midfield.

Man City and Man United play out a 4-4 draw before Chelsea hold United to a 0-0 draw. Mourinho declares his side out of the title race but praises his side for the least entertaining performance of the season.

May

Churches, synagogues, mosques, temples and Robbie Fowler all witness a surge in popularity in Liverpool as fans across the city offer their prayers to higher powers as the title race nears its conclusion.

Arry's QPR side are dispatched at Anfield to start the month and a showdown with a Portuguese fella has stomachs in knots throughout the city.

Chelsea's young emerging side defend heroically in Mourinho's patented 10-0-0 formation. The "Special One" admits he is forced to adopt such tactics having only been afforded £78m to strengthen his squad in the January transfer window.

With moments left and a 0-0 draw sending Manchester City top Gerrard rolls the years back to 2006 with a 30-yard humdinger into the top corner. Liverpool are top of the league.

The Reds then face Crystal Palace at Anfield and Rodgers' side win 3-0. No drama.

Rodgers' men defeat Stoke City on the final day of the season to finish top of the league but the trophy is sent to the Emirates after the Premier League got carried away and, along with pundits up and down the country, declared Arsenal champions in November.

Tony Pulis wins the Premier League manager of the year after his reappointment at Stoke City. He guides the Potters from 15th to 13th within the space of three months.

The Champions League is won by Barcelona, spearheaded by Lionel Messi, Neymar and Luis Suarez, who score 146 goals between them in the competition alone.