Mr. Nibs circa 2012

I am not a writer, in fact this is one of the few times that I have set out to write something down that has moved me in such a way that I felt driven to relay it. Cats can be a difficult topic too, there are plenty who don’t see them for more than pesky little menaces with a penchant for death and destruction of the local furniture and fauna. Need I even mention that cat urine is among the most noxious and horrid substances to assume liquid form and its long term deleterious effects on nearly anything are legendary. Cats don’t come when you call them (well… maybe your cats don’t) and they think we are there only for their comforts and needs. I don’t really believe that mind you, but many do. Cats have got both enemies and friends — I am somehow hoping that this reaches both.

I grew up in a dog household. I sustained about 3 bites from different beasts growing up (not their fault) but I never felt much of an attachment to canines. I’m a pretty low key person and the dogs tendency towards unbridled enthusiasm didn’t blend well with me. Once I moved away from home, a string of cats started coming through my life, either via roommates or girlfriends (this is college, so…), and I started getting a fascination with these graceful creatures. I became interested in the whole physicality of the animal, its “super-powers” are what I call them: an entire array of senses far enhanced beyond what we can see/hear— you get the drift. And if you don’t, yes, cats are unbelievably gifted in the things required for it to be an efficient predator, they hear and smell several orders of magnitude greater than us and they see 6 times the contrast in low light that we do. They can spin their ears to triangulate the precise source of a tiny sound you can’t even begin to hear. They are not really nocturnal (talking house-cats here folks, lets not split hairs with the species) like most think, but crepuscular: preferring to hunt at dawn and dusk and therefore thats where they tend to peak in activity. These were really interesting animals to me and I wanted to be around them.

In nutshell, at the time I thought: Cats as Animals are great. Cool pets. Fun to watch. Stinky but you just have to clean a lot, so worth it. And that was kind of where it stopped. Cats as an object, a “thing” to “own” and now because I liked them, I called myself a “Cat Person” and I extolled the virtues of the “independent pet that was super easy to take care of”. “Cats only come to you when they need you, etc…”, really the same things that we have all said about cats for years. Cats made great decorations and conversation pieces.

I now look back in horror at what I did to discipline them: Loud noises, bright lights, water pistols — these are the things we are told to do. so yeah, I’m a bit embarrassed but its a part of the story. The truth is, many of these methods can be effective in the moment — so I found so I did not have a reason to change at the time. I think the bigger question one might ask here is: If all these things seemed to work, why would I end up changing them? This is where Mr. Nibs story begins and how one shelter cat literally changed the way I see life on the planet.

My wife and I had just moved to Wisconsin for what we thought might be a relocation but ended up being a short assignment. While we there we decided we needed a companion at the house and found this beautiful 17lb shelter cat. He had all the hair, markings and shape of a typical Norwegian Forest Cat and we were %100 convinced he was sporting a large amount of those genes. When we arrived we got our first clue that something was up with him — he was not kept with the general population, but in an office, separated. His previous owners had front declawed him which was a likely source of his personality disorders. The staff lets us know that he is completely intolerant of other animals and so if we take him, he must be our only pet. We happily agree to this and pack him up for home.

This cat trusted us somewhat but was mostly pretty fearful and continually tried to assert his dominance too, like wanting to sit on your chest in the morning or hissing at you. He hissed a lot out of fear (anger is simply a physical expression of fear), he was scared of everything and did lots of hiding. We just tried to play with him as much as he would let us, clean up his messes, teach him NO and snuggle on him when he allowed. He was pretty much unaffectionate towards us, he seemed like he was barely tolerating us at times because we were feeding him. One thing we really noticed about Nibs is he liked to meow. A lot. For what seemed like anything. He was trying to be very fluent in a language we completely failed to understand because we didn’t know how to listen.

As the years rolled by, he started to change a bit. He began trusting us more, we really narrowed in on the belly rub which would leave him practically in a trance state, he started coming up to say good night, every night. For 10–15 minutes before we would actually go to sleep, Nibs would come up and lay with us then get up, hop down and walk to his own bed. He did get on a great sleep schedule with us. We saw improvement and we felt confident we had improved his life (we had) and we were in what we though was a pretty good place with Nibs.

Later in life Nibs started developing some health issues. He had had tumors on his ears when we got him, we had those fixed as well as some other little issues. This was new and it was unfortunately, poo related. He stopped using the box. He had difficultly fully hydrating, making his poo very dry and we think a painful episode may have occurred in a box, making him averse to the box. At the time I was far too ignorant for this. All I knew was the cat was shitting everywhere and he needed to learn not to. I became the nightmare, grabbing him, yelling at him, tossing him. Not knowing what to do I was just relying on my gut emotions and they usually do a poor job if you know what I mean.

None of this worked and over time I could tell that Nibs did not trust me like he used to. He was always evasive around me, even when I was chill. I was getting a little sick of him, I mean whats the point of owning a pet thats not around, right?

One afternoon I am sitting on the couch just watching a game. Nibs walks to the coffee table right next to me and proceeds to drop a steamer right there. I lost it. I tried grabbing him but he’s a cat, so…we flew around the room a little, I got his leg and he turned and BIT me, breaking the tip off his left fang in the process. I was bleeding bad, this was pretty serious but did not require stitches as I recall. I gave Nibs no choice but to fight or flee and he did both. We did not even see each other for days after that. It took several weeks for him to return to his spot between us at night. I just felt sick inside, but now I had new resolve to understand him better. Something happened to me in that moment, and it hit me like a giant neon sign from the universe : the realization that all I have done is create fear in the heart of this helpless animal who depends on us %100 for his survival. A creature whose endless meows seem like talking to me. At this point, I had a bit of an emotional break down and I had to sit and take look at myself and my relationship with other beings. Not other animals. Other beings.

You see, it turns out that cats are extremely emotional and communicative creatures. They have strong feelings about things. We are too but we feel like somehow our emotions are more valid and real. They are not. We are not cats and we are frankly, naturally awful at understanding them. In the past, this has led us as humans to assume a status of being somehow better or above these “lesser” creatures on the planet. I no longer believed this at all. I wanted to understand my cat better, listen to my cat better and most of all I wanted it to not live its life in fear. Ever year, new research uncovers some new evidence that intelligence among higher mammals is much deeper than we thought. The smartest among them operate at levels rivaling human children. Along with this comes a full set of emotions from love to fear. We can benefit greatly from understanding this.

I decided to change my behavior. No more overreacting, yelling or dominating him physically. Fear had to be shut down. Nibs refusal to use the box was a medical issue, we were committed to his well being as a member of our family so we cleaned up after him and try different things. We learned all about the great enzyme products you can buy to totally eliminate kitty odors to keep our house livable. When you personally attempt to discipline a cat, they don’t necessarily associate the action they just did to make the person act crazy with the action itself. They just see you acting nuts all of a sudden. It’s much more effective to discipline sight unseen if you can — two sided tape for counters, anti scratch oils (check Petco). They learn to not do things when those things turn out to be unpleasant. There is no need to couple the image of maniacal yelling human to that for them, they will be happier without it. And they will trust you more.

I also started listening. Listening to his tone, and making mental notes of the context. My relationship with Nibs was changing and the lights in my head began to turn on, one by one.

I will say now that we never did find the source of Nibs refusal to use the box again, but at least for the last few years of his life he wasn’t getting yelled at for it. No more rough play, Nibs really didn’t like it cause he had no front claws from his first owner. We think they were a family of Neanderthals. Removing a cats claws is exactly like removing your fingertip at the first knuckle, its disfiguring and torturous.

Cats don’t really meow at each other. They hiss, chuff occasionally, but the largest portion of their communication they do amongst themselves is through body language and scents with the exception of aggressive encounters of course. They meow for us. We make noise so they figure out they need to make noise too. What I’m really trying to say here is, yeah, they really are trying to talk to us. They don’t communicate specific concepts like “Where is my food?” but emotions: “I’m hungy/angry/tired/happy” — and over time it became clear to me that I could tell what he wanted when he meowed from another room. He was trying to verbally communicate his emotional state directly to me to get a desired response. I understood this and could act on it. This is a level of communication I had not really had with a cat before, I didn’t understand or believe it honestly, I’m not wanting to be the “crazy cat guy” by any stretch.

But this was happening and over time, Nibs and I became extremely close. When I called his name he literally came to me every time. He would greet me always with a little purring trill that ended on a high note. He would stare into my eyes while slowing reaching out to touch me with his paw. Our relationship flourished and I felt like I had broken some crazy new ground in human/cat relations. I really, honestly, thought of him as my friend and a family member in the strongest sense of the word. I never had to raise my voice ever again, I simply just had to say the word No and he would move on from the mischief. You see, he was a happier cat once he had some confidence in his people and his environment and life for both of us had been measurably enriched.

What I learned: Cats are emotional creatures, we are emotional creatures and through emotions is how we can connect and thrive. Today I have two incredible little brothers, Loki and Thor. They are as different personality wise as any two people I have ever met but both have found a perfect niche in this family. The harmony we have today is only possible because of Nibs though. Our struggles, pain and eventually enlightenment together taught me not only about felines, but about myself and the miracle of life on this planet as well. Nibs changed me, changed my life and changed the way I treat other beings as a result and I will always have him deep in my heart. Thank you for reading this, I hope it meant something.