I’ve spent a long time writing and then erasing, and then scribbling little thoughts, but then deleting them… Having ideas, but letting them fizzle. If I’m honest, I had an entirely different draft of this, but I deleted it and started all over tonight. I guess it goes along with the topic itself and that, in a lot of ways, I strive for this idea of perfection, and since I’m really not perfect, I decided this first blog post didn’t need to be either.

You see, my initial thoughts of this post would be to pour my heart out about why God loves everyone, including the LGBT+ community, but I was getting hung up on making sure I had the right words and phrases and that I would pull theology and information from many speakers and influential people within the #FaithfullyLGBT community.

Scratch all of this. I need to pour what’s on my heart now and the rest will come later.

Many of you know that I “officially” came out as gay on all social media this last October. It was an incredibly big step, one that was going to make me vulnerable and open. Open to be judged, open for others to look at me with disgust and shame. I toyed with the idea and I almost deleted the post right after I submitted it. But then I remembered—This is NOT about the approval of others, and to be quite frank, my relationship with Jesus is none of your business. I have a heart that sincerely thrives to help others. I have a deep, deep desire to love and help other people—I’m (almost) an occupational therapist and I’ve always said that my main reason for going into this profession was to help others who can’t help themselves. So, I guess that’s what’s spurred this blog and my coming out story.

I’ll give you some background. In all sincerity, I was not an individual who knew they were gay when they were in elementary school. I remember having crushes on boys and riding my bike, making up all of these imaginary love stories with boys. It wasn’t until my freshman year of high school when I started to realize that maybe these feelings I had were something bigger. I remember riding home on the bus from a band festival when this idea hit me. “Oh no… What if I actually like a girl. Like… like like her.” And I remember the anxiety that followed. I was nauseous and dizzy, and even began dry heaving as I walked off of the bus. My whole life I was taught at church and from the people around me that gay people were wrong, and whenever couples of the same sex kissed it was “gross.” I spent the rest of my high school and first two years of college fighting this feeling. Talking to pastors and counselors, trying to make these feelings go away. I remember crying out to God, “Just take this away! I don’t want it! I’m dirty and sinful, just take it!” I would constantly tell myself that I couldn’t serve the Lord fully unless these feelings went away. I remember some of my high school years where I began to resent God. I hated that He was making me feel this way, that He wouldn’t take the “dirt” away. I began to go to church because that’s just what we did and nothing in my heart actually wanted to go. Additionally, in my small community, I felt that this topic was taboo and I dealt with this pain almost entirely on my own in fear of judgment and failure.

In the fall of 2014 I transferred to Western Michigan University after two years at Kellogg Community College. This would be the first time away from home and something hit me that I wanted to rekindle my relationship with the Lord. I spend that first year opening up to others and sharing my story. It was the first time I could tell other Christians that I had these same-sex feelings, and though every person I told was welcoming to pray and love, I still constantly felt that I needed to “pray the gay away,” and it wasn’t going away. I tried going on dates with different guys, which pretty much failed miserably, I tried being straight. That next summer I would spend living in Chicago with Cru, a college Christian ministry. That was one of the most unforgettable summers—magnificent, I must say. I remember telling others my story there and being connected to other woman who had struggled with same-sex ideations. I remember saying to God again, “I’m putting this at the feet of you, Jesus. Take it! I don’t want this, I don’t need this!” AND IT NEVER WENT AWAY. It stayed and it stayed, and I would cry and pray and scream out for help… But there it stayed.

Fast forward to the summer of 2016. By this point, I’ve talked to Christian counselors, non-Christian counselors, pastors, leaders in ministry, friends and woman so deeply devoted to the Word. I remember walking upstairs to my little bedroom on Kendall in Kalamazoo. Tears streaming down my face, and I dropped to my knees and I said “God, I’m gay! I can’t do this anymore. I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay.” And I wept and I grabbed my Bible and opened it to find James 4:6 “…but He gives more grace.” I remember writing in my journal that night. Feeling freer than I had in months, even years. I remember God letting me feel grace and for the first time, I felt free, beautiful, loved, wanted, desired, cherished, needed… I wasn’t trying to hide anymore, not trying to make excuses, not trying to be something I wasn’t. A couple of months later I met my now girlfriend, and I don’t think that was just fate.

Amongst all those years of pain, shame and hiding, I dealt with extreme anxiety and moments of depression. I truly felt that I was unworthy of love, dirty, gross, unwanted… I read every verse of the Bible that said homosexuality was wrong, I watched videos, and listened to podcasts. Once I allowed myself to accept myself, I began to find resources upon resources and people upon people who would help me to validate my feelings, while also reminding me that I am a treasured, cherished, and precious child of God. One of my counselors said to me once, “Palin, life is made of out of two primary emotions: love and evil. It’s up to you to decide what that means…” and that really clicked with me.

I am a person of love. Hope. Joy. Resilience. I love Jesus, I love the Bible, and I’m learning to love the Church again. I have a heart that longs to love people whole heartedly and with grace, just like Jesus. I love my girlfriend because she is caring, joyful, honest, and sincere—just like you love your straight partner.

My story is messy and there are parts that have been omitted. It is my only hope that by publishing this blog, that another person struggling can find a small sliver of hope and life. Whoever you are and wherever you are, you are not alone, you are beautiful and loved. Worthy and magnificent. I hope that in the future I can add my theological takes, but for now, this is my heart and I am so thankful. Thankful for life, thankful for love, thankful for a God of grace and love, and thankful to be able to be loved and love in return.

Much love and many blessings.

-PS

Header photo credits: Huffington Post via Getty Images