Malest Theatre Critic

Best Unoriginal Score

Sweatiest Dance Belt

Horniest Orchestra

Most Disappointing Onstage Nudity

Best Lighting of a Stage-Door Selfie

Best Ill-Conceived Revival of a Racist Musical

Best Cool New Play Based on a Dumb Old Play

Best Musical Based on a Book, Movie, or Trending Hashtag

Best Orchestration of a Scheme to Sneak Out at Intermission

Best Standing Ovation for a Famous Actress Just for Being Famous

Best British Musical Smuggled into the U.S. Inside a Prosthetic Leg

Best Scathing Review Refashioned by Press Agents into a Rave Marquee Quote

Best Usher Who Doesn’t Take Shit from Nobody and Isn’t About to Start Today

Best New Play Bravely Written and Directed by White People About Another Culture

Special Tony Award for Lifetime Achievement in Ticket Scalping, Sponsored by StubHub

Best Sound Design of a Patron’s Cell Phone Ringing During the Emotional Climax of a Play

Best YouTube Comment Complaining About the Shaky Camerawork of a Bootleg Video

Best Gritty, Stripped-Down Revival of a Musical that Leaves No Fanciful Frippery to Conceal Its Glaring Flaws

Best Featured Actor Who Seems Like He Might Be a Serial Killer—I Don’t Know, It’s Just Something About His Creepy Vibe

Best Leading Actress in a Musical Who Frequently “Forgets” to Bring Her Wallet to the Restaurant Between Performances

Best Career Ensemble Dancer Phoning It in Until He Finishes Paying for His Kid’s School and Can Retire and Give His Poor Knees a Break

Best Sixteen-Dollar Cocktail in a Plastic Sippy Cup Filled with Ice That Clatters Like a Rattle, Giving the Drinker the Appearance of an Alcoholic Baby

Best Revival of a Play About a White Family in Their White Living Room Talking About Their White Problems That Has Never Been More Timely and Relevant

Best Featured Actress Sobbing on the Floor of the Public Bathroom at the Times Square Marriott Marquis Hotel as She Posts on Instagram About Living Her #BestLife

Best Taxi Driver Who Lays on the Horn When Driving Through the Theatre District Just for the Thrill of It

Best Choreography of a Row of Patrons Half-Standing, Pulling in Their Knees, and Shifting to the Side to Allow a Latecomer to Squeeze by After the Play Has Already Begun

Best Leading Actor on a Phone Call with His Mother Pretending He Isn’t Upset When She Asks If He’s Ever Going to Quit This Theatre Thing and Get a Real Job

Best Direction by a Woman—Just Kidding, This Category Will Be Replaced by a Montage from “Annie II: Hip-Hop Don’t Stop (Singing About 2morrow) Featuring D.J. Daddy Big Buckz”

Best New Play by a Genius Woman Playwright Who Has Been Working Steadily in the Industry for a Billion Years and Should Have Had Her Broadway Début Decades Ago; What Took You People So Freaking Long

Best Mom Between the Ages of Forty-five and Sixty-five Whose Full-Price Ticket Purchases Keep the Precariously Balanced Commercial-Theatre Industry from Collapsing Like the House of Cards That It Is, Whose Taste Dictates the Shows That Succeed, Who Can’t Understand Why She Is Bombarded with Broadway-Related E-mails Despite Constantly Unsubscribing from Them

Actual Best Musical that Makes You Laugh, Cry, Tap Your Toes, Hum Along, See the Human Experience from a New Perspective, and Feel Deep Emotions Stirring Inside You That Had Been Dormant for Years Because That Is the Power of Good Musical Theatre and Don’t You Forget It

Best Sound Design?