Colbert: Justice Department says torture is in the eye of the beholder David Edwards and Muriel Kane

Published: Wednesday July 30, 2008





Print This Email This "There hasn't been a terrorist attack on US soil in seven years, which means we're in more danger than ever," warned Stephen Colbert on Tuesday's Colbert Report. "It's like a slot machine that hasn't paid out in months. We've already crammed billions of dollars -- and the Constitution -- into it, so it's due. We must use every tool to keep America safe." "That includes what I call 'enhanced interrogation techniques' -- for the same reason I call hitting cyclists with my car an 'enhanced turn signal,'" he continued. "Some people out there call this torture. Luckily, the Bush administration doesn't." Colbert explained that the Justice Department recently released a heavily-redacted August 2002 memo on torture. "It says that an interrogator cannot be prosecuted for torture if he acted with 'an honest belief that his actions will not result in severe pain or suffering.'" "This proves the administration does respect human rights -- the human rights of interrogators," insisted Colbert. "Torture is illegal, and our interrogators need assurance that they're not going to end up in prison over some obscure legal loophole. This memo protects them by saying torture is all in the eye of the beholder." "This memo is good news for everyone," he went on. "It ends torture by helping people believe that they've never done it. ... If your honest belief is wavering, just remember what the president said, 'The United States does not torture.' So, by definition, anything you do is not torture." "So I say, go medieval, and do not worry if it's unreasonable to honestly believe you're not inflicting severe pain," he advised, citing a statement in the Justice Department memo that "honest belief need not be reasonable." "Luckily, there are plenty of people willing to save America by honestly believing the unreasonable," Colbert concluded, putting up a picture of Bush and Cheney. "And some of them will be looking for jobs come January 20." This video is from Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, broadcast July 29, 2008.

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