Re: New Draft

I am all for cutting excess language but also don't want to cut for cutting sake. What is this timing out at now? John Anzalone Anzalone Liszt Grove Research 334-387-3121. Office @AnzaloneLiszt On Jun 11, 2015, at 8:50 AM, Lissa Muscatine <lmuscatine@gmail.com<mailto:lmuscatine@gmail.com>> wrote: Shorter is better. Simpler is better. And even adding bio info should not add length. Each anecdote and story just needs to be distilled to its essence. The speech is still way too long. To be effective and remotely memorable it needs to be shorter and definitely more concise. There is a lot of excess language that can be cut, which will help. The policy sections need to be reined in. I've made some suggestions to Dan but just wanted to add my two cents to the earlier messages going around. On Thu, Jun 11, 2015 at 8:38 AM, John Anzalone <john@algpolling.com<mailto:john@algpolling.com>> wrote: I had the opposite reaction to Joel/Mandy and thought this version was tighter and flowed nicely given Dan was incorporating the comments or twelve people from Tuesday. I do not really see any more FDR than the other version and think the FDR words/imagery does a good job on segueing into the WJC/Obama mention but also tees up the basic bargain nicely. I am fine going back to the “it’s wrong” lead for the Republican contrast but thought we told Dan Tuesday to back off of some of the other Republican bashing which I think is the right move. To Joel’s point about transitions, I also wonder if that can be helped not only by working on the transition lines but also notes to her in parens about pauses or other techniques for the listener that she is moving to another section. Also to Joel’s point I think there can always be more economic language but in earlier conversation about this speech it seemed like we were willing to sacrifice some time to beef up the bio sections in a couple of places because this would be one of our few opportunities to get that story out. Again, I thought Dan got very close to the direction we all gave on Tuesday. I thought there was an efficiency of language that made it flow. Here are my other comments I sent Dan last night: My big comment is — The length no longer worries me. This is her day with a big crowd and they are out there to hear her. Let her go. This is a manageable length for such an important day and powerful message. I would not angst over cutting this down too much. These people will be out here to hear a big speech. They are not going to church hoping the sermon will be short and sweet. 1: I worry that the “gray hair” joke is too early now but don’t have a solution 2: “still sounds pretty good to me” after reading the FDR quote seems too cute/light for such a serious statement. “This is still profoundly true today” or something like that 3: page 6 when you talk about immigrants I strongly suggest you add the word “work” as in “work hard and love their country.” 4: Page 10, the second paragraph on walking away from coal miners seems out of place, too specific and an option to cut. 5: Page 10, line about corporate America stepping up. Just feels like there should be a follow up sentence. Maybe reinforcing what you say late about responsibility to worker and community and not just shareholders and stock prices. 6: Page 14 on the third fight I think you could cut some of this in particular the “it’s not smart that the republicans running for President….” I just don’t think it adds much and the national security contrast is not red meat for this crowd. 7: small point but when you say “my granddaughter” on the last page I would name her and add “Charlotte.” that is what a grandmother would do. Thanks for all your hard work. Can’t wait to hear her give it Saturday — John Anzalone Anzalone Liszt Grove Research 334-387-3121<tel:334-387-3121> www.algpolling.com<http://www.algpolling.com> twitter: @AnzaloneLiszt Team, the Secretary asked me to share this latest draft with all of you and said that she'd love thoughts overnight. This version reflects our conversation yesterday and a big thanks to Mandy for sending additional suggestions on how to beef up the policy section. One thing to keep in mind as you read is that it would be great to find places to cut. Thanks Dan