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SG takes a break from soliciting prostitutes in Charlestown to keep a running diary for Super Bowl XXXIII (2/1/99)



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MORE Return to Boston's Sports Guy main. -----First posted at midnight, 12/1-----



I originally planned to keep a running diary of the ENTIRE day of Fox's Super Bowl coverage -- from 11:30am to the end of the game -- but I quickly abandoned that idea because I couldn't handle the nauseating pre-game hype, even in the name of comedy. So I spent my afternoon answering e-mails and doing grunt work for the BSG site... with the TV blaring in the background.



Here were the pre-game highlights (or lowlights):



****Fox reported that Falcons safety Eugene Robinson was arrested last night for soliciting an undercover police reporter for oral sex. Apparently he was having trouble getting up for the game.



****Jerry Glanville stood up on a stage in the stadium and introduced the Black Crowes, who subsequently played a song. You couldn't make that one up if you tried.



****Jason Priestley directed a piece about the Miami nightlife scene. Yup, I think the list goes like this: Scorcese... Coppola... Priestley... Spielberg.



****A series of dopey, self-serving segments showed stars from various Fox shows talking about football in character. Nothing big to report here, except for the fact that Claudia -- the baby sister from "Party of Five" -- suddenly and inexplicably has boobs now. When did that happen?



****Keith Olbermann's run for "Most annoying sports personality of 1999" continued -- he narrated a half-hour pre-game piece about the game and was seen in at least three commercials for Fox's weeknight sports show. On a similar note, there was just waaaaaaaaay too much of Shannon Sharpe and Ray Buchanan, to the point that I'm rooting for them to collide during the game for the first-ever double concussion.



****Fox promoted the new cartoon "Family Guy" at least 127,643 times; studio host James Brown was referred to as "JB" at least 375 times; the Reeves-Shanahan feud was alluded to at least 7,879 times.



****Fox reporter Suzy Kolber unveiled some sort of Pat Summitt-type haircut and appears to have attended the Hannah Storm School for De-Sexing Cute Broadcasters.



****Kiss played "I Want to Rock and Roll All Night"... which almost made up for John Madden leaving Tony Simmons off his All-Millennium team.



Anyway, some people wondered why I wouldn't be heading to a Super Bowl party. Why would I? Why would I want to watch a game with 30 people -- and not be able to hear anything -- when I could sit at home in my underwear and have an entire pizza for myself? Plus, I have an ongoing responsibility to entertain you, the home reader.



So without further ado:



LIVE FROM THE BSG MANSION IN CHARLESTOWN, MASSACHUSETTS...



6:01 -- It's Super Bowl XXXIII live from Miami with John Madden and Pat Summerall, who are a combined MXXXCVIII years old!



6:02 -- Madden does his "This is what you play for! Thirty teams started the season trying to get right HERE, to this moment, and now only two teams remain and only one team can win!" spiel that he does every season and even does on the beginning of his video game, "Madden '99." And every time, I fall for it and get goosebumps on my goosebumps.



Man, I am fired up. I have my game face on right now. I just tried to stiff-arm myself.



6:05 -- Just did two laps around the living room, followed by ten jumping jacks and a push-up.



6:07 -- The introductions! This means we get to see the offensive starters run out and high-five their teammates while yelling out one or more of the following things: "All day baby!"; "Yea baby! Let's go baby!"; "This is our day, baby!" and "Yea baby! Get fired up baby!"



6:12 -- Bob Whitfield gets introduced. In case you forgot, he's the left tackle on the Falcons who has a glass eye. Swear to God. I always thought he would have made a perfect Patriots player during the Rod Rust Era.



6:16 -- My buddy Geoff just called to report that he made three bets on today's game, including a wager on "Somebody's backup QB playing at least one down." I'll tell ya, it just doesn't get any better than the Super Bowl.



6:20 -- Cher's singing the national anthem? This is the shakiest booking since the big-breasted blonde from "Police Academy" sang before Super Bowl XVIII.



6:27 -- Atlanta's Tim Dwight brings the opening kickoff back to the Atlanta 37. There's just something fun about a spunky white guy returning kickoffs. You can't put your finger on it... but it's always enjoyable.



6:31 -- Madden makes the first reference to Jamal Anderson "running downhill," this year's football term du' jour that makes you sound like an expert if you casually drop it into everyday conversation.



6:35 -- Bill Romanowski sacks Chandler to thwart Atlanta's drive and sufferes some sort of steroid-induced screaming spasm after the play. The Falcons settle for a field goal (3-0, Atlanta).



6:37 -- After two shaky passes, John Elway unfurls a seed to Rod Smith for a 41-yard gain. Every time you think he's done, he dips back into the mid-1980's for one of those frozen ropes. By the way, nothing beats the way Pat Summerall reads the promo, "Coming up at halftime, don't miss the Super Bowl halftime show with Stevie Wonder, Gloria Estefan... and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy."



6:54 -- Whoa! We just had a Shannon Sharpe/Ray Buchanan collision and Sharpe actually injured his knee. It looks like he's hurt! One down, one to go! By the way, Denver's on the one-yard line...



6:44 -- Touchdown, Howard Griffith (7-3, Denver). Let's just say that nobody in my EJFL roto football league has Howard Griffith tonight for our championship round.



6:46 -- I'll be honest: Pat Summerall just doesn't look healthy. He might have to borrow a move from Keith Richards' playbook and get his entire blood supply changed.



6:47 -- "Coming up at halftime, don't miss the Super Bowl halftime show with Stevie Wonder, Gloria Estefan... and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Also, three renowned doctors will be changing my blood supply. That's coming up at halftime, only on Fox."



6:56 -- Madden just informed us that Atlanta punter Dan Stryzinski is nicknamed "The Hangman." I thought that was Eugene Robinson's nickname.



7:00 -- The first break of the game! Shannon Sharpe bumbles an Elway pass and it deflects to a Falcons d-back for an interception in Denver territory. Maybe it bounced off Sharpe's tongue.



7:01 -- I think I'm rooting for Atlanta... but I'm also rooting for Terrell Davis and Chris Chandler (for roto football purposes). Is that legal? Can I root for Atlanta, Chandler AND Davis? Can I get a ruling on that, please?



7:03 -- Hey, can ANYONE advertise during the Super Bowl? Why didn't my bosses at Digital City buy me a 30-second spot? Could I be less appreciated at the office? Jeez, it's only 30 seconds! Can you imagine? A spot for Budweiser... followed a preview for "EdTV"... followed by Ford Explorer... followed by Boston's Sports Guy, Bill Simmons! I think it works.



7:07 -- Atlanta eschews a 46-yard field goal to take a crack at fourth-and-short... then compounds the error by running Anderson on a sweep, which gets stopped well short of the marker. Denver ball. That move was right out of the Ernie Zampese Playbook -- all it was missing was a quick camera shot of the Atlanta offensive coordinator chain-smoking and looking like a prison guard.



7:17 -- Yet another promo for "King of the Hill." Is this Fox or the Cartoon Network?



7:19 -- Jason Elam boots a field goal (10-3, Denver). This game's about as exciting as one of Karen Guregian's Herald columns.



7:23 -- Actual rambling dialogue from Summerall coming off a commercial: "Budwesier... (pause)... air ship overhead... (pause)... looking down at Pro Player stadium... (pause)... wonderful sight... (pause)... wonderful view they have."



(When did Pat turn into Frank Gifford? I keep waiting for him to turn to John Madden and say, "John, you have wonderful breasts. I'm extremely aroused right now.")



7:28 -- Atlanta drives deep into Denver territory and settles for a 26-yard field goal- WHOOPS! Morten Anderson pulls it! Just for the record, that's a "Tori Spelling" play, meaning that it should be rearing its ugly head before the end of the game. I don't think I've ever seen a football game where a kicker misses a field goal and it doesn't come back to haunt his t-.



7:30 -- BOOM! Elway to Rod Smith for an 80-yard touchdown pass on the next play! (17-3). I couldn't have made that sequence up! Smith even beat Eugene (This is the worst 24 hours of my life/somebody shoot me) Robinson down the middle.



(I'm telling you, they should just call the game after a kicker misses a field goal. Maybe the World League could institute that rule this spring on a trial basis.)



7:31 -- Dammit. Just remembered that my big opponent in the roto finals -- the Stoner -- has Rod Smith. Boy, that hurts. If I lost the EJFL championship with a playoff roster that included Randall Cunningham, Chris Chandler, Terrell Davis. Robert Smith, Randy Moss and the Minnesota D, that would be the biggest choke job in roto history.



7:32 -- Madden describes our favorite kick-returning honky -- Tim Dwight -- as being "fast and reckless... he's fast-reckless." Is that a word? Is it a phrase?



(Other famous "fast-reckless" people: Courtney Love, River Phoenix, Lawrence Taylor, my cousin Katie, Phil McConkey.)



7:36 -- Shannon Sharpe's out for the game. Yippee! That's like watching "Friends" and hearing that Ross got knocked out for the entire show.



7:39 -- Once again the Falcons drive deep into Denver territory and can't get score a TD; they settle for an Andersen field goal. In case you're scoring at home, the Falcons have been inside Denver's 25-yard line four times for a total of six points. Not good.



7:42 -- Just stood up to see if I could regain the feeling in my Lester Archimbeau.



7:45 -- Only the people who play "Madden '98" or "Madden '99" will get this joke, but I'll make it anyway: Isn't it fun when Pat Summerall says "Flag on the play"?



7:49 -- On a key third down, Atlanta is forced to call timeout because they have 12 defenders on the field. Is Pete Carroll coaching this team?



(Answer to that last question: Obviously not. The Falcons just stopped Denver on the third down, anyway.)



7:52 -- Summerall & Madden are talking about how organized Mike Shanahan is -- how the Denver coach scripts out the first 15 plays of the game, the first eight plays of the second half, his pre-game speech, family vacations, everything. He must have a wild sex life, huh?



7:55 -- At halftime, the score? Denver 17, Atlanta 6. As most of you probably guessed, I'm taking a break to watch the Rock take on Mankind for the WWF title on the USA network. Please talk among yourselves, I'll be back...



***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****



8:20 -- We're back! You'll be happy to know that Mankind regained the WWF title from the Rock in an "Empty Arena" match by using a pitchfork to help secure the pin. Who says professional wrestling is fake?



8:22 -- Mmmmmmmm... Stouffer's french bread pizzas.



8:23 -- Mm-OWWWWWWW! Is it possible to eat these things without burning your mouth?





8:26 -- Denver is driving on the Falcons like Miss Daisy. Atlanta is containing Terrell Davis -- which is what you should do -- unfortunately, John Elway is picking the Falcons apart. Let's just say that the rumors of Elway's demise have been greatly exaggerated.



8:27 -- Two years ago today -- almost to the minute -- the Patriots pulled within six points of the Packers and Adam Vinatieri was kicking right down the middle of the field to Desmond Howard in New Orleans. I think I'll celebrate the anniversary by drinking some bleach.



8:28 -- Speaking of the Pats, what do you think Bob Kraft is doing right now?



(I've got two hints for you: "Whiskey" and "sour.")



8:29 -- Whoa! Jason Elam missed a field goal! Wow! What happens now? Does the bad will from the Elam missed field goal erase the bad will from the Andersen missed field goal? Do they cancel each other out?



8:33 -- The camera just showed Dan Reeves. Every time I see him, I keep thinking of IceBum's classic line from the final round of NFL Picks Pool columns this week -- "The only reason I would root for Atlanta is to see the effects of ice-cold Gatorade on a pacemaker." That was a good one.



(Lemme put this in writing right now: If I ever get killed in a tragic prostitute-solicitation accident, the BSG site gets turned over to the Bum. Case closed.)



8:34 -- Every time Chris Chandler scrambles past the line of scrimmage, one word goes through every fan's mind: "Concussion! Concussion! Concussion! Concussion!"



8:35 -- Luke Perry's so cute! And what an actor! God, I just love him! I wish he could be in every scene!



(Whoops, sorry... that was an accidental excerpt from Digital City's TV Gal and one of her ripoff "90210 diaries" -- you know, the idea she "suddenly came up with" that I had already been doing on this site since June of '97. Again, my apologies.)



8:36 -- Chandler throws an interception to Darius Johnson! That's the guy I deemed "The Weak Link" of the Broncos secondary when my buddy Gus and I saw a game at Mile High this year. If I know Gus, my phone should be ringing any second...



8:37 -- Nope. No phone call. Gus must really be into the game.



(TANGENT ALERT! TANGENT ALERT!)



Speaking of Gus (a lifelong Broncos fan), last week he bought a new 41-inch TV for his redecorated basement... but he's watching the game tonight on his old 13-inch TV upstairs in the living room. Why, you ask? Well, last January, Gus watched his Broncos win the Super Bowl on that little TV; as far as he's concerned, that TV is 1-0. He also doesn't want to go 0-1 with the new TV and ruin all future big games over the next decade.



Hey, it makes sense if you're a guy...



8:40 -- Fox just showed the WWF commercial! Somewhere in Massachusetts, the Birdman just did a backflip.



8:49 -- Ho-hum. One quarter to go. This game is flatter than Claire Danes.



8:51 -- Another touchdown for Howard Griffith (24-6). Apparently Mike Shanahan doesn't want me to win my EJFL roto championship.



8:53 -- Monday night on Fox: "Tom and Jerry"... followed by a brand-new episode of "Woody Woodpecker"!



8:58 -- One comment I would like to rescind: In Friday's preview column, I wrote that "Jamal Anderson couldn't carry Terrell Davis' jockstrap." Not true. If anything, he's looked better than Davis today. So please give me a minute here to shove my foot down my throat.



9:00 -- Atlanta passes the Denver's 30-yard line for the SIXTH time today. I wonder what will go wrong this time...



9:02 -- Bingo! Darrien Gordon gets another interception! Who does Chris Chandler think he is, Jim Kelly?



9:04 -- As Denver drives for the backbreaking TD, I want to say how enjoyable it is to have the AFC ruling the NFL! As a lifelong Patriots fan, I'm feelin' Conference Pride! Nothing was worse than having all my Giants/Cowboys/Niners friends thinking they were superior over the years just because their football team played in a better conference. That sucked.



9:05 -- What's the matter, NFC? Can't hang with the big boys? Maybe we should spot you a few points next year?



9:06 -- The AFC is like Drago right now in the Drago-Creed match. "Hey NFC? I must break you"... "You will lose"... "If he dies, he dies."



(Man, this is fun!)



9:10 -- Elway sneaks in for a three-yard TD (31-6). Has anyone's life changed in the past twelve months more than John Elway? He goes from "Great QB/Perennial Loser" to "Hall of Fame QB/Back-to-Back Champion" in a mere 52 weeks.



9:10 -- Hey, do Fox employees get $50 every time they say "Pro Player Stadium" on the air?



9:11 -- America's spunkiest "fast-reckless" kick returner, Tim Dwight, just returned the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown (31-13, Atlanta). That might be just enough to catapult him into the Hall of Fame for Spunky White Guys in the Phil McConkey/John Cangelosi/Brent Price wing.



9:17 -- On a 3rd-and-5 from midfield, Elway tosses another frozen rope to Ed McCaffrey for the first down. Can you say "Super Bowl MVP"?



9:20 -- Jason Elam nails a field goal to make it 34-13. Insert fork here.



9:22 -- Just talked to Gus -- he wanted to call me after the Darius Johnson INT but was afraid of jinxing "Uncle Mo" (what we call "momentum"). Gus decided to watch the game on his new 41-inch TV -- to give the TV an immediate test in a big-game situation. And quite frankly, he thought the TV rose to the challenge.



9:23 -- Gus' voice possessed the giddy sound of someone whose favorite football team was about to win the Super Bowl for the second year in a row... and as a New England Patriots fan, that's about as close to that sound as I'll ever get.



9:25 -- The camera just showed Eugene Robinson. In the last 30 hours, the following things happened to him:



* Saturday afternoon: He received the "Bart Starr Citizenship Award" from the NFL.

* Saturday night: He was arrested for asking an undercover police officer for oral sex, even though his wife and two kids were staying in Miami at another hotel.

* Saturday night/Sunday morning: Incarcerated.

* Sunday morning: Bailed out by the team... has to face teammates... knows that he just created one of the most memorable pre-game distractions in Super Bowl history... also probably ruined his marriage and embarrassed his kids.

* Sunday afternoon: Coach Reeves leaves it up to him whether he wants to play. Robinson decides that he will.

* Sunday night: Burned deep by Rod Smith for a go-ahead 80-yard TD in an eventual Falcons loss.



That, my friends, is the definition of a bad weekend. Can we get this guy in a support group with Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy, Edwin Moses and George Michael?



9:27 -- If Atlanta score a touchdown here, I'll be one point off my Friday prediction that Denver would win 34-21. Not bad, huh? Sure, it doesn't salvage my pitiful playoff handicapping season, but...



9:31 -- TD Atlanta! Now they're going for the two-point conversion... if they make it, I might hit the final score right on the button!



9:32 -- Chandler back to pass... incomplete! Of course. God forbid my putrid football-handicapping season ended on a high note. Still, I missed the final score by two points; not to sound like Coach Fredo, but that's something to build on for next year. I just have to keep fighting and executing the right picks and good things will happen...



9:35 -- The over/under for Fox showing two Broncos hugging while John Madden gushes, "This is what it's all about" is 9:38. I'll take the under.



9:37 -- As two Broncos hug and the final seconds tick away, Madden says, "This is what it's all about... winning the Super Bowl."



(All right! I ended the season with a good pick!)



9:40 -- Pat on the Falcons: "They had so many chances... and that has to linger for a long time." Are you kidding me? The Falcons were the proverbial "Just happy to be here" team! They have about as much chance being in the Big Game next season as the Patriots do -- in other words, slim and none, and slim just left town (and went to Hartford).



9:42 -- As we watch everyone pour onto the field -- Final Score: Denver 34, Atlanta 19 -- allow me some final criticisms about Fox:



(1) Wayyyyyyyy too many promos for their dumb TV shows. Not only will I avoid those stupid cartoon shows likemy life depends on it, but I'm note sure I ever want to watch TV again. Hey Fox? If you're promo-ing your crappy lineup for ten straight hours, at least throw me a bone and show me one "90210" ad. Could you do that for me?



(2) How come I never saw John Elway or Chris Chandler's stats during the game? How come I didn't know that Terrell Davis passed the 100-yard mark -- and broke the record for "consecutive 100-yard games in the post-season" -- until after the game? Honestly, should I really have to go online -- which I did in the fourth quarter -- to look this stuff up?



(3) How come the only celebrity we saw in the stands during the entire game was Ally McBeal? Is Fox that shameless? If they showed Ally McBeal EATING SOMETHING for the first time in 1999, maybe that would have been interesting.



(4) How do they miss the post-game handshake between Reeves and Shanahan, two guys that absolutely DESPISE each other? I mean, how do you miss that???



Here's the answer to all those criticisms: You have these screw-ups because Fox is covering the Super Bowl. Next thing you know, the WB Network will be showing Super Bowl XXXV... and then the Lifetime Network will be covering Super Bowl XXXVIII with Hannah Storm, Suzy Kolber and kd Lang announcing. Gimme a break.



9:50 -- Something tells me the next Disney World commercial won't start out, "Eugene Robinson, you just got arrested last night for soliciting a prostitute and you gave up the go-ahead TD in the Super Bowl! How do you feel?"



9:52 -- All right, it's time for the post-game ceremony, where Terry Bradshaw presents the Super Bowl trophy to Denver owner Pat Bowlen and Super Bowl MVP John Elway! This one's... for Gus.



9:52 -- I don't know which trophy looks better -- the Vince Lombardi trophy... or Mrs. Pat Bowlen! It's a toss-up. Bonus points here for Mrs. Bowlen because I think I've seen her on the Playboy Channel before.



9:59 -- Howard Griffith becomes the first Broncos player to thank God after the game, shocking the experts (Neil Smith was the odds-on favorite). And on that note, let's wrap this thing up. Some final thoughts:



(1) As far as distractions go, it doesn't matter whether your coach leaks that he's leaving after the season or your starting safety gets arrested for solicitation on the night before the game -- distractions kill a football team every time. You can't have them. Period.



(2) Denver was probably the worst Super Bowl champion in recent memory. Both the Jets and the Falcons seemed to drive on their defense whenever they wanted. Then again, the Broncos made all the plays that counted -- the old "bend but don't break" philosophy. And it worked. I guess I have no point here.



(3) If John Elway comes back next season, nobody should ever be allowed to write another "Will he retire?" story ever again. The publication of any story should be punishable by death.



(4) Pat Summerall -- a 69-year-old man -- saying the sentence, "Coming up at halftime, Stevie Wonder, Gloria Estefan... and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy," is pure, inspired comedy.



(5) Pat Bowlen is a lucky, lucky man.



(6) Goodbye to the "Dirty Bird." Thank God. And goodbye to the "diehard" Falcons fans, who collectively set new distance records for "Longest leap onto a bandwagon."



(7) And finally, the 1998 NFL season is over -- another title-less year for the Patriots and New England in general -- and I've already written off the 1999 season after the return of Fredo, Year Three. With the post-Mo BoSox already in the tank for '99 and the Bruins front office refusing to spend any money for the 90th consecutive season, what do we have to live for as Boston sports fans?



Three words: The Boston Celtics.



The Bandwagon starts up this Friday; everyone better hop aboard soon, because seating is extremely limited. Your drivers this year will be Rick Pitino, Antoine Walker, Stone Cold Ron Mercer, Kenny Anderson, and the 1999 Rookie of the Year, Paul Pierce.



Next stop: The NBA FINALS!!!



The NBA... it's FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-tastic!!!



I love this game!!!!!!



****E-mail me at SPTGUY33****



Sound off on the game here!



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