SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on today—might as well get started with the Henderson family out in Omaha,” Yuan said to himself, as he rapidly toggled between thousands of displays that enlarged to show a Minneapolis advertising firm’s morning meeting, a belated Passover Seder in New Jersey, a group of old college friends reconnecting from around the country, and a pair of long-distance lovers engaged in an intimate exchange. “Before I forget, I’d better tell Cheryl to pencil in Ms. Stamm’s math class at White Pines School in Iowa City for 1:30. Don’t want to miss that. Oh, wait…here we go! That Swedish couple is fighting again. This is so great. I have no idea what they’re talking about, but they’re really going at it this time. Man, this shit never gets old.” At press time, sources confirmed Yuan had contacted Zoom’s general counsel to ask if he was obligated to do anything about the approximately three murders witnessed every five minutes on the company’s app.

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