I was 14 when I fell in love for the first time. She was from California, with vibrant red hair that flowed down her back, confidence that seemed unshakable, and a passion for art. She was so unlike anyone I had met before, it was like the world opened for the first time.

She was beautiful teenage rebellion that seemed exotic in small town middle America. I really believed that I would be with her forever, that somehow our love would be the exception. I was sure we would never grow apart, and the fire that started would never cool. I was in love, and I knew for sure I was a lesbian.

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She left, like young love does & the next person to take up residence in my heart was, much to my surprise, a boy. This continued in waves throughout my teenage years into my twenties, with many beautiful memories and a few broken hearts.

Each time, the definition of my sexuality was determined by the genitalia of whomever I was in a relationship with. I couldn’t get a grasp on my identity, and felt as though I would never understand myself because I didn’t fit solidly into a polarized view of human sexuality. Growing up, I didn’t hear the word bisexual. I didn’t see people like me on TV, they weren’t in the books I read, and I felt utterly alone.

Representation matters.

Its been 17 years since I first fell in love, and I’ve come to feel truly comfortable in the hard won label I have for my sexuality, but something truly strange happened when I got married.

All that work that I had done finding myself and my sexual identity had seemingly been undone with the signing of the marriage certificate. I was presumed straight until proven innocent. I never saw it coming that in order to maintain my identity, I would have to come out every day.

I work harder to make my sexuality known since being married to a man than I ever did when I was single and searching for a partner. Why was the strongest feeling of bisexual erasure triggered by the culmination of a relationship that fit within the realm of bisexual identity?

This isn’t a phenomenon that’s exclusive to bisexual people that end up in relationships with a partner of a different gender, the reverse happens to those that marry a partner of the same gender. They must fight to remain visibly bisexual, while actively participating in bisexual behavior. That’s the thing, both these types of relationships become bisexual behavior the moment a bisexual person enters into it. We belong. We are part of the queer community. We have a history.

Things are getting better. There are more and more TV shows saying the word “bisexual” and showing characters that live lives we can relate to. Characters that break down the binary choices we were given in the past. There are politicians that have come out as openly bisexual. LGBTQIA clubs and bars are becoming more accepting of bisexual people.

Despite these advances though, there’s a lot of work still to be done to include bisexual, intersex, transgender, and asexual people. There are individual issues that effect each of these marginalized groups, but many of our experiences are shared by those across the rainbow spectrum. We all are effected by compulsory heterosexuality, and experience varied levels of discrimination and stereotyping. It was only a few short years ago I had a doctor tell me I was more promiscuous than the average person because I was bisexual. I’ve had friends make unintentionally hurtful or dismissive jokes about my sexuality, I had a teacher in high school discuss my girlfriend at the time and myself to a class of which I wasn’t even in attendance, and I’ve faced harassment when holding a girlfriends hand in public. I’ve had experiences that encompass the entirety of the spectrum of queer experience, both beautiful and painful. Bisexual people belong in queer spaces & I’m so tired of feeling like I have to justify that with proof that I’m bisexual enough. I can only imagine the struggle that our trans, asexual, and intersex family faces to prove they are enough.

Heterosexuality is not the default. Pride, and queer identity gate keeping is an active problem that we must fight against. Lastly, and most important of all, you are enough. Don’t let anyone tell you different, even yourself.