The world’s biggest film studios – including Universal, Warner Brothers and Fox – have released a joint statement today revealing that they will be suing Liverpool midfielder Charlie Adam for defamation of the film industry’s character.

The studios are seeking compensation totalling $36 million over the Scot’s persistent use of the ‘Hollywood ball’ – long passes that aim to pick out a teammate with razor-sharp precision. Adam’s poor execution of the glamourously named passes have enraged film execs in Los Angeles, who fear a knock-on effect on the wider film industry.

Heading up the claim is iconic director Steven Spielberg, who presented Hollywood’s grievances to the press.

Spielberg said: “We have a brand to protect. Before Adam came on the scene, the term ‘Hollywood’ was synonymous with sophistication, artistry and beauty – it’s why we let David Beckham coin his stunning passes as ‘Hollywood balls’. He has a great jaw-line, opens up our market in South East Asia and can ping a lovely lofted pass in his sleep.

“Things were just fine until we realised that the chunky-waisted Adam has quietly pirated the ‘Hollywood ball’, producing a cheap imitation of the real deal. No one knew him at Blackpool United, but now he’s at a big soccer franchise and playing like a donkey, we can’t stand by idly.

“This season his so-called Hollywood balls have been wayward, over-hit and woefully executed. It’s an insult to the industry and it’s starting to affect our bottom line. Every ball he spanners into the crowd is a damming message to cinema-goers worldwide that every film we make here is an absolute turkey. Sure we have the clout to weather a global recession, but Adam’s abysmal form will be twice as hard to recover from.”

The unusual claim was launched after research showed that football fans were 75 per cent less likely to go to the cinema after seeing the rotund midfielder spray a ball aimlessly out of play.

Adam’s former Blackpool teammate David Vaughan is not expecting his old midfield colleague to back down without a fight.

He said: “He’s always been obsessed with all things Hollywood. Acting and directing was his first love. When he’s not kicking a ball, he’s watching The Godfather trilogy in one sitting. It wasn’t uncommon for him to go up to the gaffer just before a game and ask ‘What is my motivation for this scene?’.

“Before every match he would arrange each camera at Bloomfield Road meticulously and get into heated arguments with the groundsman about the floodlights. He always wanted to make sure his Hollywood balls were well lit.

“Holloway would often indulge Charlie by letting him experiment with 25 per cent dimmed floodlights. It made for some cinematic passes, but we couldn’t see a bloody thing and it probably cost us Premier League status.

“The day after a match he would painstakingly edit montages of his long balls and include a gritty American trailer voice-over, which was provided by DJ Campbell after smoking a pack of Benson and Hedges. Then he’d send it off to the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences with the phrase ‘For Your Consideration’ felt-tipped on the parcel.”

Despite similar behaviour being tolerated at Anfield, Liverpool’s American owners have politely asked Adam to resist attempting picturesque long-range passes for the rest of the season amid concerns that the financial effects of the law-suit could impact on Kenny Dalglish’s efforts to bring Scunthorpe striker Jon Parkin to the club this summer.

Image: akubernamarazy