One shall experience an incredible amount of fun and pleasure if they finish this miniseries and then read it a second time, knowing what the ending is.

Chapter Text

You know how, when you get into a new environment you meet new people, and you could just talk to them, but you somehow never really do, and so you just awkwardly interact with them but not really? That was me and Nona, originally, before the “Pre-Ghost” era. She was the weak, silent type, who was prone to being bullied and tossed around her freshmen year in our school. I would have helped her, I really would have, but I had my own social network established, and Michael and I got on fine as it was, so I didn’t really wanna stick my neck out for someone I didn’t even know.

Clarissa kinda changed all of that. She transferred in for my second year, and she built a powerbase for herself. She hit the ground running! Literally! She tried out for the track team and became the best runner you ever saw (mostly because of those long, toned legs which glistened with sweat); she got straight A’s from day one. Girl should’ve gone into politics, ‘cause she didn’t give no fucks and made friends out of everyone, teachers and students, namely Nona (who soon stopped getting bullied), and my dear, older brother, who fell victim to her womanly charms. I would’ve gone in for some of that myself, but she always smelled like an ashtray.

The first time I tried to talk to her, she was out smoking, and she looked all edgy, so I spent thirty minutes in between classes just shooting the shit with her and getting to know her. We parted ways on friendly terms! But second hand smoking is a bitch, and my throat felt like a swamp for the rest of the day; Michael just laughed and laughed at how I sounded like an old lady. He promptly got to know Clarissa pretty damn intimately afterwards.

I didn’t really have an issue with that. Clarissa was friendly, charming, sexy, and she just rocked that IDGAF attitude. Michael, may God rest his soul, was wild about her. Coming from a small town, almost colonial era village of a town, he was drawn in by the siren’s foreign song.

Just one problem: she stole him away from me. If he had a free moment, he wouldn’t tug on my ponytail and call me “Laura Ingalls” anymore; instead, he’d be smoking with her outside the school grounds.

Yeah, he took up smoking just for her. Mom and Dad weren’t happy about it.

So, being the proactive and younger sister, I did the only logical thing and took up smoking too so that I could hang out with bro and my future sister-in-law. Mom and dad were really not happy about it. Michael wanted to be all high and mighty about it, but he knew he was just as damned as I was, so he and I just bonded even more. Sneaking out at night to have a smoke --even if it’s with the best brother ever-- isn’t easy, but it was fun because he was there for me. I had managed to keep Michael with me, so success! Yay!

Just one problem: Clarissa isn’t the sharing type. So I ended up hooked on this shit and blowing smoke (haha) by myself while he and his new girlfriend went off and did things I don’t wanna think about.

And then Michael drowned. And I was powerless to do a Goddamned thing.

Clarissa hated me. She blamed me for Michael’s death. Mom and Dad divorced. Things sucked balls, and I ignored the psychological drama going on with my losing a brother, because I pushed it all out of me and focused on quitting the cigarettes. I succeeded, so I’m sure Michael would’ve been pretty proud of me for that, at least.

Then Jonas came into the picture. Our parents found new love in the ashes of death and divorce, and they came together in holy matrimony and brought us along for the ride.

Speaking of rides, that’s how I officially met the guy.

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“I know it’ll be weird, but you know me, Jake!” I lamented over my phone as I drove with one hand and talked on the other. Bobbing and weaving around airport traffic is bad, but going at it with one hand is even worse. Just the kinda girl I am, I guess. “You still not coming with me and Ren?” I attempted to coerce, as I really didn’t wanna just be bringing my new step-brother along with Ren.

Jake declined, rambling on about the new coat of paint his first person shooter was getting this year.

I kinda zoned him out as I focused on driving stick with one hand, balancing my phone in my left hand while gripping the wheel; meanwhile, I had my right hand on the stick, in neutral but wavering between first and second gear. Coasting down a winding ramp that connected from one pickup/dropoff zone to another, I found the dude in question, kinda hidden amongst a small crowd of grouchy people who’d just gotten off the plane.

“Jake, I’m hanging up now,” I told my classmate as he went on about prestige and rank. I hung up and tossed my phone into the cup holder.

Jonas’ picture had been all handsome and professional. Brown hair gelled into a neat comb over, and he was wearing a suit! And he wasn’t even an adult yet! Mom told me it was a funeral, and his mom had died, but the guy looked good.

This Jonas at the airport had frazzled hair, clearly a few months overdue for a cut. He covered most of it with a brown beanie. He wore a ring around his neck with a basic (stained) black shirt that went under this matted, ragged army jacket. Of course, I was wearing the faded red remains of my brother’s jacket, so I wasn’t gonna scoff at it. He wore jeans, ‘cause all guys wear jeans.

I pulled in and parked. double-tapping the horn to let him know it was me. He was just lounging against a concrete pillar with two duffel bags of shit and jumped as this girl with cyan hair honked at him in a scraped up, piece-of-shit Chevy Silverado. Dude collected himself and tossed his junk into the bed of the truck, opened the passenger door, and hopped in. Smooth enough.

Just one problem: he smelled like a Goddamned ashtray. This time, however, I was more accepting of it, as I’d lit a few in the truck myself. But man, did it make me wanna go back to those death sticks.

“Hey,” he huffed as he buckled up. “Alexandra, right? Or do you prefer Alex?” he offered as I went into first and revved up, drawing everyone’s attention to the bold, old Silverado.

Driving off in as much pomp as I could manage, I answered, “I prefer Alex, thanks. You prefer Jonas?” I offered, not knowing if he had any nicknames or what, but I really didn’t have much to go on.

“Y-yeah,” he confirmed, nodding his head. “Sorry I didn’t get back to your facebook invite... or your steam invite. I was just... I... y’know.”

“Oh! No, no, it’s all good, don’t worry!” I decided. Not one for awkwardness, I told him, “So, Jonas, here’s the plan: we’re goin’ back to my place. We’ll drop off your stuff, then we're gonna go catch a ferry and party on Edward’s Island all night long.”

“You got beer?” he immediately asked, no hesitation in his tone at all.

Grinning, I motioned with my head. “Look in the back.”

He craned his neck and looked into the small back space of the truck. “Oooh, damn!” he whistled, feasting his eyes upon the two fine bottles of whiskey. “Where’d you find those beauties?” he asked, looking at me with a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes. Not that I would know, ‘cause I was focused on the road, but I could tell he was happy.

“Jonas, if you’re gonna start goin’ to my school, you’re gonna have to learn to make connections with people who can get you shit. I got people, and I’m gonna share them with you. What’s mine is yours, New Brother!” I grandly foretold as I did fifty-five in a forty.

And I knew from that moment on that we’d get along fine.

Just one problem: we got haunted by triangle ghosts.

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Nona was there, which was fine enough. But then Clarissa had to be there too, which was sucky but also a necessity. Nona would never have had the nerve to go party alone, much less with strangers like the Mysterious Alex and Class Clown Ren. Now, I had never really cared so much about Nona before, and at the time I was focused on not getting shat on by Clarissa; but I thought that Nona was just the most beautiful cutie pie ever. She wore this black beanie (thanks, Jonas) and dulled orange sweater that just flowed so smoothly with her long, silky, black hair. She wore ugg boots, which have been, are, and will always be ugg-ly; but the rest of her was looking quite fiiine. Never got to talk to her there, on that nice, cold beach under the stars. That fuzzy, warm fire feeling kinda went to waste over that stupid game we played. Ren lost, like, ten respect points from me on acting like Nona was some objective to obtain. He totally ignored her feelings and tried to save his own face when Clarissa called him out on wanting to “sample the goods”.

Nona just sat there, all introverted and stuff. Which was really cute to me, especially when she got all close to the fire and rubbed her hands and pretended that her best “friend” wasn’t grilling my best friend. So I diffused the situation and tried to have a glass or two of some fine quality booze. Ren had some amount of pot in his brownies. I was just about to force him to share, too!

But that was about at the time when I kinda sorta summoned the evil triangle ghosts. And then I blacked out. I woke up in front of Harden tower with Jonas, and we regrouped and launched rescue missions for Clarissa (had to save her first, ‘cause she called in first) and Ren. Clarissa then got super possessed, and Ren ate more pot brownies.

So, Jonas and I team up and go crusading across Haunted Island. We had rewind trips, I showed off my athleticism to Jonas, we found Clarissa who promptly committed suicide but didn’t, and then we found Nona on the ground in the middle of the forest, a total wreck.

I tried to calm her down, but I guess she had some sort of haunting involving me, because she did not like me at all. Jonas got her to go to Harden Tower, though, so she ended up safe. We then got Ren, took him back to the tower and linked up with everyone.

Just one problem: Ren ate more pot brownies.

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“It’s not a half-bad plan,” I defended, careful not to use the term “half-baked”, even though I really wanted to. “I mean, sure, he’s about to get high as a kite, but he’s got a decent plan!” Maggie Adler was rich. She surely had her own, private boat or yacht or whatever rich people have on island property. If we grabbed it, we could get the hell out of here.

Pacing back and forth across the comm room atop Harden Tower, dimly illuminated by dusty, yellow lights, Jonas adamantly attacked, “He’s a basket case, Alex!”

Ren moved to get physical with Jonas, but I was able to position myself in between the two of them. Sadly, this didn’t stop the macho men from asserting their masculinity in a shrieking contest.

“Alex, this caveman is insane from what I’ve heard!” Ren emphasized for about the fifth time, prompting Jonas to move in to punch his nose. Again, I had to keep the two guys apart with my own hands. “And what kind of nutjob would turn down a free boat, courtesy of Maggie Adler Incorporated?!” Ren screamed off as I found myself getting compressed by the two opposing forces.

“I swear to God, the next person to speak who isn’t me will get my foot shoved into their balls!” I threatened, prompting the two guys to immediately stand down, as they both realized that I could easily kick in my sandwiched position.

The two backed off, scared for their sacred manhood.

Running my hands through my long, coarse hair of fabulous cyan, I craned my neck and groaned, filling the room with my frustration. Stomping past Ren, I moved to the left door and slammed it shut. Wheeling around, I marched across the room, motioned for Nona to step out of my way (which she did with a yelp) and slammed the right door shut.

Wheeling around again, I glared at all three of them. “Here’s what’s gonna happen!” I firmly established, crossing my arms and leaning against the door. “Ren, you’re gonna get high any minute now. I’ve known you my whole life, but Goddamn, man!” I lament, throwing my hands into the air. “I can’t depend on you to watch my back if we go down to Main Street!”

He moved to speak, but I quickly silenced him with a simple, “Shut the fuck up, or I’ll tear out those earrings and use them to vajazzle your asshole!”

Nona gave that kinda hiccup-cough-laugh where you’re drinking water while watching a youtube vid, and the cat doesn’t make the jump. Ren was crazy enough to eat pot brownies in the middle of a ghost infestation, but he wasn’t insane enough to challenge my bluff. Jonas watched on with conflicted interest.

Glaring at the both of them, I finally decided, “Jonas: Ren’s going to get high any minute now, and I need someone who can physically restrain him if worst comes to worst. Nona’s, like, half his weight. And yes, I’m athletic, but that’s all down here.” Motioning to my legs and hips, I make sure he understands. “I don’t have the upper body strength. If Ren decides he can fly, I need someone here who can hold him down. That means you’re staying.”

Ren looked down at the floor, awkwardly scuffing his brand name sneaker against the dust. His head hung like a chandelier.

Jonas huffed, shrugging his shoulders. “Fine,” he admitted, crossing his arms and staring back at me. “I’ll stay with the basketca-”

“No!” I commanded again, slamming my foot against the floor and my fist against the door. “His name is Ren! He’s been my best friend since forever, and you’ll show him some Goddamned respect!” Locking my glare on Ren, I warned, “And if you do anything besides sit in the corner and let your trip die off, Jonas is gonna put his boot in your ass, so do not fucking test him, okay?”

Scowling, Ren immediately slumped off to his preferred corner and collapsed with a roaring groan.

Clasping my hands together, I huffed with satisfaction. “Nona?” I offered, motioning towards the doorway. “Shall we?”

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Nona waited until we were well outside of hearing range before speaking. “Sooo...” she awkwardly began. “That was intense.”

“Eh,” I tossed my hands out flamboyantly as we walked along Harden Tower’s fence line towards the town. “Ren and I butt heads now and then. He’s been my best friend forever, but the guy just doesn’t like rising to meet the challenge, y’know? He’s a bit of a quitter.”

“Damn,” Nona whistled. “Harsh much?”

“You can separate the good and bad in a friend,” I decided, lining up my steps so that I’d kick rocks down the dirt road. “And because I’m such a good friend, I know that Ren’s not the kind of guy you want to get attached to.”

“Thanks,” she murmured. I had my back to her, so I guess she was just in thought. “I’ll...” she shuttered, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

I stopped, slowly turning to look at her, and Goddamn am I glad I did. The cool, summer night had this starry backdrop, and she was illuminated by these flimsy, ancient floodlights that lined the tower’s fencing. Her long, silky hair fluttered in the breeze, and mine did the same thing but I didn’t really care about that.

She was rubbing her shoulders together, slightly shaking. Naturally, as I was dumbstruck by this feeble creature’s beauty, I did the only logical thing and offered her my dead brother’s jacket.

“Oh!” she realized, shocked that I would make such a loan (with a lot of interest, haha). “No, no, that’s not-!” But it was too late, as I had already wrapped it around her. I’m smooth like that.

Huffing, she smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Alex.”

Smirking, I shrugged my shoulders. “Hey, you’re my new partner in crime now, so I gotta make sure you’re in tip-top condition. Now, let’s go steal a boat!”

Laughing, Nona quickly followed in my eager footsteps. “Sure. Let’s.”

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We had a bit of a trek to make, so like any infatuated teenager I got my girl to talk about stuff. She and I had never really talked before, and she hadn’t stood out that much; but I guess the stars had aligned with the hauntings. Nona and I became fast friends.

She didn’t even remember me! But it wasn’t her fault that we got caught in the perfect storm. She rarely showed up to class, and whenever she did she always took the backmost seat. Meanwhile I always sat in the front. But instead of going out and having a blast, she practiced dancing! I instantly wanted to see her in a leotard, that bathing suit-esque piece clinging to her curves.

And she said she was okay at it, but I believed she was just being humble. If she was doing that every time she wasn’t in class, I figured she had to be pretty awesome at those fancy twirls and shit.

Then, she told me about the birthday party.

Last year, she had cancelled it to go visit some friend whose name I forget because of some hospital thing, and then Clarissa came over with a cake and blah blah blah friendship or something. Anyways, I told Nona how my family made birthdays a week long crusade for joy and merriment, and Nona’s eyes lit up as we kinda got distracted and talked about what she’d want to do for her birthday party. It was great, talking to this cute girl who got all bubbly about celebrating her birthday in the middle of a haunting.

She wanted to invite Clarissa, as I expected; however, Clarissa wasn’t going to be attending this year for some reason, which definitely helped me out a lot. Who would have thought: Clarissa not being where I’m going to be is the most helpful thing she can do? Go figure.

So, Nona told me that I was invited! She actually wanted me to show up! I was pumped, and naturally I told her that I could come. I then told her to give me a list of shit she wanted, and it was at about that time we saw Clarissa hanging around on a lamp post like the Spectacular Spider-Man.

Then the rewind happened again. And again. And again.

That eventually cleared up. Nona and I uncovered the secret story of Maggie Adler and scored a new radio-key-lock thingy. I still have it with me, actually! I never use the damned thing, it’s stuffed in a box in my closet along with my unreturned library books.

I also got to see Michael. I was too scared to say anything, because I wasn’t sure just what the hell was going on, but we went down to the beach with Clarissa, and we just... we just chilled. She normally wanted to keep my brother to herself, but I remember that day. He had insisted on bringing me along because he’d been so busy with her. At least, that’s what he hastily told her. In reality, he had promised me first that we’d go shoot the shit, but then she wedged herself in as usual.

She was nice to me, actually. I kinda felt bad for a bit.

That came to an end, and I woke up with the beautiful Nona hanging over me, violently shaking me (or trying to, rather) as her long, silky hair draped over me like curtains. She smelled like lilacs, and it was so nice.

Backtracking, we hooked back up with the Gay Squad, who had settled into a neutral silence. Ren was pissed, Jonas had gone through about five smokes in my absence and smelled fucking awful, but he was actually really cute: when he saw me returning, his eyes lit up; but then he remembered that he was supposed to be mad at me, so he acted all disinterested.

I love it when I hook ‘em like that.

So, the four of us launched our new mission: get to the U.S.S. Adler, secure it, and then go save Clarissa. Nona was super adamant about that last part.

If I’d known I’d have to face down the long-lost remnants of some ancient American submarine crew, I’d have been a bit more reserved, even if Nona got all insistent, cracking her voice in the process. So cute.

But hey, it all worked out in the end. I stared into the Void, the Void stared back, and I fucking won that game of chicken! I blacked out and woke up on our beautiful new boat, sailing as far away from Edward’s Island as it was legally allowed to go. Nona and Jonas were at my side when I awoke, and they just go so excited about me. Ren was good, and Clarissa was safe at last.

And it was about what you’d expect. The good guys won, the survivors cheered, and we all lived happily ever after.

Just one problem: I had a birthday party to attend, and I had a lot of work ahead of me.