In the name of gender equality I decided to do a little investigation to balance out my other trip down the Tinderhole. Here are my findings on the ladies of Tinder.

7. Manic Pixie Dream Girl



What She Says: I’m really quirky, I can’t even. Sometimes I can’t even all day. Sometimes I can’t even on the bus. I am just like because NOPE. Lena Dunham is my spirit animal.

What That Means: I was literally designed by an American Eagle committee board using the “make-a-hipster” starter kit and sold under the name “Zooey Deschanel”. I learned to talk from a series of GIFs and blogs about cats. I am quirky because I just said that I am quirky and that is how you know I am quirky, because I said so.

Why She’s On Tinder: Because the last meet-cute at a whimsical small organic coffee shoppe didn’t end in the twee Mumford & Sons style wedding she envisioned and she was left completely disillusioned with like, how hard life actually is.

6. The Climber



What She Says: “Everything always works out for everyone if you just believe”– Deepak Chopra

What That Means: It’s all about your vision! My vision was to zipline across the Himalayas and I did it! Just needed to spend my life savings but no worries! Life will for sure work out so that I get to complete my entire bucket list, including scuba diving in Antarctica and having third-world children take bread from my hand. It has to work out, the universe/Oprah will always make sure that you get what you want if you want it hard enough!

Why She’s On Tinder: She needs to invite more people to local self-improvement seminars so she can get referral bonuses from the organizers.

5. The Hardcore Chick



What She Says: Hey guys, really into the local metal scene. Swipe right if you want 20% off a bong shaped like a goblin wiener.

What That Means: Message me if you want a terrifying night of passion featuring: dry ice, medieval apparatuses, fake (?) blood, a Halloween sound effects CD, piercings in seemingly anatomically impossible places, and an amateur tattoo of a witch with a snake coming out of her mouth and a little witch flying out of the snake’s mouth.

Why She’s On Tinder: She wants someone to go with her to Skarab’s Dungeon to see Bleeding Skeleton play.

4. Partyy On Jane



What She Says: heyyy wats up ppl just seein wats happenin on here LMAO is goin down im yelling tinderrrr LMFAO kesha n pitbull hit me upp 😉

What That Means: I may or may not have been crazy drunk when I wrote that! It could just be how I am, living life young and wild and free!

Why She’s On Tinder: Because she wants mad hook-ups to get into the clubs downtown.

3. The Group Deal



What She Says: Hey! I’m the one in the blue dress and the blonde-brown hair in the picture. Hope you swipe right!

What That Means: I am using a genius tactic to get swiped right more often because all the guys want to know which one I am.

Why She’s On Tinder: I’d tell you but I don’t know which one she is.

2. The Uncomplicated Girl

What She Says: hi this is me lol i have a name and my name is lisa and i live in a place it is called toronto. i am looking for someone who i can spend time with and talk to and sit beside and walk with them too. i love good things and i do not like bad things. things that are very importent to me are friends and family and i like air and water too lol . i pretty easy going and have a preetty good sense of humor lol, so i hope you like to laugh because i certainly do lol. i like to chat and use Facebook to talk to my friends.im looking to chat nd see to meet also.

What That Means: That is exactly what that means. She literally just laid out her life for you. You now know her. You’re basically ~besties~.

Why She’s On Tinder: Because it is something that exists and it is a normal thing that other people do. She learned about Tinder from a joke picture on a Top 40 radio station’s Facebook page and now she will do it so she can relate to those jokes and clap and guffaw when she sees them and share them whilst tagging her friends and saying “lol too true”.

1. The Google Image Search Result for “Swimsuit Model”



What She Says: HEY THERE BIG BOY R U HOT 4 ME? CUM AND GET IT.

What That Means: I am actually a 14-year old boy doing some mad trolling and because there are some really dumb guys out there, they will fall for this. I will then lead them on and post the screenshots to 4chan.

Why “She”’s On Tinder: Because the next Pokemon games don’t come out until November.