Children are impulsive; they have difficulty controlling their behaviors and have a tendency to indulge in a moment’s satisfaction without thinking of the consequences. Let’s face it, adults have the same problem and they’ve had years of practice; don’t you recall that butterfly or skull tattoo you got when you were 18 or that time you told your parents you were going to the movies with friends, but instead you were going on a date? Now that we just took a walk down memory lane of your past impulses (you’re probably still reliving some as you read this), let’s get back to the subject.

Self-control in children is their ability to manage their feelings and resist from doing something that they really want to do (especially when they know trouble will follow). Self-control can be taught very early on in children. It isn’t going to happen overnight, but consistency over time is imperative. Young children will learn self-control through their parents, adults, friends, other caregivers, family members, etc.

Children seek to please their parents; they emulate their parent’s behaviors and they will more likely repeat behaviors that are praised or rewarded. Whenever you child is exhibiting a desired behavior, praise him/her by voicing, “I love the way you are….” and give your child a hug or a high five. If your child is sitting by a bowl full of candy at the dentist’s office (oh, the irony) and you can see your child eyeing it, be proactive and express “I think it’s great that you are sitting in front of that candy and not touching it. I know it’s hard to do, even for me. When you’re all done, I’m going to let you have one for being so good!” This statement will alert your child that he/she is properly behaving and that there is a reward of a piece of candy while also knowing the only way to get it is not to touch the candy until later. You should also praise your child for character strength, reemphasizing that self-control and character strength go hand by hand. This will help your child develop healthy self-esteem.

One of the most effective strategies to utilize is modeling behavior for self-control development. It is crucial for a parent to remember that children will imitate your behaviors, so be mindful of how you are acting as well. For example, if you are on the phone with an automated service and cannot get the assistance you need, you may find that you hang up the phone by slamming it down and expressing several angry sounds or words. Then, a couple of days later, you find your child playing house and slamming the kitchen phone down with a couple of angry words to boot. Your child may not fully understand the reason for this behavior, but your child has made an appropriate association. If a situation arises that has your child carrying out a behavior of yours that will not assist in his/her development of self-control, use it as a “teachable moment” to explain your emotions and ways that you can better control them.

Self-control can develop through practice. Repetition can assist a child in developing self-discipline. For example, have your child sit at the kitchen table. Place your child’s favorite treat (cookie, brownie, candy, ice cream scoop, etc.) right in front of him/her. Now, instruct your child that if he/she doesn’t touch it, he/she will get to have two (the reward) after 5 minutes. Inform your child that you will give updates on the time remaining. Make sure that you have the other treat in plain sight (eye-on-the-prize motivator), so that your child can be reminded that if he/she doesn’t touch the treat in front of him/her, two treats will be the reward. If your child takes the treat prior to the five minutes, then they don’t get the second one (you eat it!) and you try this again later in time. If your child displays self-control for the five minutes, reward them with the second treat. The more you provide your child with situations that will encourage self-control, the more probable of your child to develop self-control.

Having frequent discussions with your child will also aid in their development of self-control. If a child is expressing their emotions or unable to resist carrying out a behavior, ask them about it. For example, if your child keeps turning off the television show you’re watching, make an inquiry by questioning, “Why do you keep turning off the TV?” This behavior may be your child’s way of showing you that he/she wants you to pay attention to him/her. Use this “teachable moment” and ask, “What do you think you can do without turning off the TV to tell me what you want?” and then discuss how he/she can effectively communicate his/her needs to you without giving into his/her impulse to turn off the television (it will also show you to start using the DVR more).

Self-control develops over time. The brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, starts developing from birth and continues maturing well into early adulthood. As long as you are providing consistent guidance and opportunities for self-discipline to develop, it will.

Author: Anna Kaminsky

Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Jan. 15, 2014

Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/icultist/337329572/