Kids’ Letters From Terrorist Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

Camp Taliban is great so far and it’s going to get even better soon. A few of the older guys in camp left a couple hours ago to raid the girls’ camp over on the other side of the sand dune and are going to try to see them without their burkas on. The counselors say, if they’re successful, when they get back, the rest of us get to burn their eyes out with a red-hot poker.

All glory to Allah,

Zafir

- - -

Dear Dad,

Yesterday, at automatic-weapon practice, I had more bull’s-eyes than anyone else in the whole camp and won the marksmanship medal. Afterward, I was so happy, I kept firing my gun into the air. Then today, a bunch of kids from a whole lot of other camps around here came to our target range for a big competition, but my stupid Kalashnikov jammed and I wound up losing to a boy from Camp Death to America. Afterward, I was so mad, I kept firing my gun into the air.

Your insignificant son,

Fawzi

- - -

Dear Mom,

You know those nametag things you sewed on all my clothes? Well, when I was on the Capture Team in the camp abduction drill, I put on my headscarf and ski mask to hide my face from the Authorities Team so I could stay anonymous during the beheading, but I got identified right away because you put the nametags on the outside!

Death to America,

Ishaq

- - -

Dear Dad,

I hope you get this letter before it’s too late. Please don’t call me on my cell phone for a few days, because I’ll be using it as a detonator.

Assalam-al-aikum,

Rashid

- - -

Dear Mom and Dad,

In Munitions & Explosives, I made a new kind of bomb that looks just like a goat. It’s really easy. You just make a pipe bomb, then stick it way far up a goat’s butt.

Love,

Muzaffar

- - -

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m soooo bored. It’s sandstorming again for, like, the fifth day in a row. We can’t go outside and shoot things or blow things up or avenge stuff or anything fun. And the flight simulator is broken, so we can’t practice hitting skyscrapers. We’re stuck doing arts and crafts like leathercraft wallets for fake passports and making lanyard garrotes that can get past airport metal detectors. Did I already say I was bored?

I’m still bored,

Shamil

- - -

Dear Mom and Dad,

A new videotaped message from Camp Director Osama came today. They played it during lunch and he said that all of us at Camp Tora Bora are the wave of devastation that will reduce the Great Satan America to rubble and that if we remain strong and resolved the blood of all our enemies will run like rivers and that Allah demands tribute and he’s going to make that easy by marking down all Tora Bora logo caps and sweatshirts in the camp gift shop by 20 percent until Friday.

Your (and Camp Director Osama’s) son,

Kahil

- - -

Dear Mom and Dad,

Why did you send me here? I’m the only American kid in the whole camp. I keep trying to explain to the other kids about how our family wants to destroy Western civilization from the inside just as much as they do from the outside, but they either don’t believe me or don’t care. So far they’ve short-sheeted my robes so they’re above my knees and encouraged the camp cat to pee on my prayer rug. Now I just heard that tomorrow they’re going to issue a wedgie fatwa against my underpants. Please, please let me come home.

Evan