By now, people know that I say some controversial things. I can’t help it; it’s who I am. Ok, so, try this one on for size: Democracy is a scam. What?! Did he really just say democracy is a scam?! Yes, he did. And he shall explain.

Now, I walk around the great city of Tucson here because I am on foot most of the time. I am a wayfarer. It seems that Political Season is in the air here. You know this time of the year: Severe BS allergies acting up, big piles of fallen lies littering the ground, the Dumbocracy fever is spreading, and so on. Therefore, in front of many public spaces are petition gatherers. “Excuse me, sir, are you registered to vote?” No, I don’t vote. “Why not?” Because it’s a scam! I mean, isn’t that why you’re trying to SELL me this petition? It’s not like you could set up a self-serve kiosk here like dispenses DVDs and expect signatures for whatever legislative processed luncheon loaf you’re purveying, am I right? No, you need to accost us so we’ll sign it out of the subconscious desire not to say “no” to an alleged democratic process. Well, I not only say NO to it, but I find it to be a scam of the type I’d say is in the Seven Scam Wonders of the World.

See, this morning, this dude is running for political office. So he’s collecting signatures on a petition to get himself on the ballot. He asks for signatures and people sign it without asking questions. Look, for all they know, his platform is carting everyone off to forced labor camps. Or raising taxes. Whichever comes first. I have been observing this scam for some time now and have seen people gathering signatures to create more laws and politicians we honestly don’t need. Because it’s democracy?! These people aren’t even reading what they’re signing!!! I think I should cart around a petition making me these peoples’ lawful heirs and I bet they’ll all sign it. Understand this: Democracy isn’t better. Just ask the Ancient Greeks who invented it.

When people don’t read what they’re signing, hey, they could be signing a petition to put the ghosts of Stalin, Hitler, and Mussolini on the ballots. They wouldn’t even read it. All they know is, “Feh, I’ll sign it so I don’t look anti-democracy. Not to mention it’ll get me into Quik Krap faster so I can buy those Ding-Dongs…” Excuse me, but you just signed a petition putting a Ding-Dong on the ballot as a candidate. So to speak.

Or, they sign petitions to create a sales tax increase so we can establish a fund to create a habitat for the Eastern Winnipegosken Warbling Mosquito. Maybe sign a petition to pass a law saying that no one can ride bicycles shirtless while juggling bananas. What, all these laws just manifest out of thin air? All these sales taxes that are dang near a dime on the dollar and over in many places just manifested out of the void? No, they began with petitions and dummies that sign them without asking why they should. Or, even better, refusing to sign more, excuse me, crap into being.

It is my duty to refuse to sign petitions. Until I see one calling for padlocking the doors of the government so they can’t pass more laws and taxes, I ain’t signin’ doodly-squat. This petition-gathering has gone on long enough. We can see this democracy thing is a scam. They don’t have a real majority! These people don’t even KNOW what they’re signing! For all they know, they’re signing the papers saying the government can use drones to execute people that owe on their taxes and won’t pay up. This isn’t a democracy, it’s a petitio neocracy where a bunch of people (who need to take baths, by the way) are probably getting a penny per signature to petition you into McFeudalism.

People say, “Well, we have a right to petition the government for a redress of grievances!” Oh, do we now? Let me write that petition and it’ll stretch from here to Washington DC! Right, sure we do! We only have a right to petition the government to tax us more, oppress us with more laws, and elect more dummies that couldn’t find their butts with both hands if directions were glued to their palms. I saw this one petition that wants the government to spend more money searching for extraterrestrial life in outer space. Excuse me, but do you realize those idiots couldn’t find Osama bin Laden for years on end right here on Earth?! And they’re going to find life in an infinite universe? Sure they will! But they won’t mind the increase in taxes to allegedly fund it that they’ll then put right into their own pockets.

A redress of grievances, huh? Where’s the petition where we can start taking the legal code books to the dump? You know, get rid of all these laws mandating that we pull weeds in our yards, pay a bribe to the state each year to own a motor vehicle, and so forth. That we must have a permission slip from Herr Doktor in order to buy medicines. That whole “prescription” scam went right in under our noses and now it’s just a permit to own medication. Oh, it isn’t? Try buying most medications without one. We need LESS, not MORE government. So, no, I ain’t signin’ nothing. I’m not signing up for more laws, more taxes, and more dummies. Besides, I don’t vote anyway because I also know voting is Step Two of signing up for more laws, more taxes, and more dummies. Step One was the petition!

When you see these people gathering signatures, just keep walking. There’s nothing good that can be expected when you see people with clipboards and pens approaching you. If it’s not asking for a signature, it’s “Time for your medicine!”—same thing, no? I’m sorry to report to the American people that this whole democracy thing is a scam. Ok, so I’m not sorry. Still, it’s a scam. Y’all done been had! Hey, could you sign my petition on the way out? It’s just a few simple questions. Name, SSN, bank account number…

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