Not long ago, five LAPD officers came to my apartment in the middle of the night, pinned me to the ground, and handcuffed me, sort of by accident. Before they left, I forgot to get a card or a phone number from them, so instead I'm writing this open letter and hoping they read it.

Dear Officers of the Los Angeles Police Department,

Hello there! I don't know if you remember me or not, we met briefly the other night in my home for that spontaneous assembly at 2:15 a.m. I was the guy you hilariously accused of domestic abuse in front of his slack-jawed neighbors. Classic. I just wanted to say that it was a pleasure to meet the whole gang and to assure you again that I would have at least swept the floor had I known you were coming over, and especially had I known you would be jamming my face into it with your knee.

Kamil Macniak/photos.com

To be fair, I got a good sense of what I'd look like with a spotty gray beard someday. So, you know ... bright side.

Above all else, though, I want to say I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome at any point during the night/early morning. The five of you left pretty abruptly, and it would be a huge weight off my shoulders to know it wasn't because I was a bad host. I'm usually very good at entertaining.

Once I had time to retrace the events of the night, I realized there were a few moments where I may have seemed rude and/or inhospitable, and I just want to clear the air so that we can move forward as buddies. This may not mean much to you, but I would really appreciate the chance to say ...