-- JACOB MILLER'S GOING AWAY PARTY --

-- Goddamnit reddit, this wasn't supposed to go viral. I probably even stole content for this invite. Oh well, I guess you guys can come too if you're in Hawaii --

Congratulations

The mere fact that you're reading this means that you're on a path to making your WILDEST DREAMS come true.



Notice the choice of words there.

I said come because it's about to get orgasmic folks.

You want to be awesome1? I'm going to make it happen for you, and it's only going to take one day of your life. You don't need a motherfucking 12 step program, this isn't dance dance revolution.

Most of you only have two feet, and likewise the most I could expect any of you to contribute is two steps.

fig. 1: This awesome. That's right, it's robocop riding a motherfucking unicorn.

Fact: Jacob Miller doesn't sweat, HE GLISTENS.

Step 1: Attend

THE LAST PAINTBALL GAME

Where you ask? Well hold your horses tiger, I know you're eager to be awesome, but let's take it one detail at a time. First I'd like to tell you a story. Knock knock. Who's there? Oh hey look it's me on my private yacht, getting fed bacon by the Italian swimsuit modeling team for Armani. That's how awesome you're about to be. Grab your leather chaps, because it's about time to

COWBOY UP.

(The theme is not cowboys. Do not come dressed as one. I will shoot you.)

Fact: Jacob Miller doesn't donate blood, he donates adrenaline.

Step 2:

Come in costume.

"But Jacob!", you begin, "I want to look just like you so everyone knows I'm associated with you!". I know. I do to. I mean, that's why I'm me - so people will associate me with myself. This might be a difficult concept. Let's break out the set theory.



Math bitches. Shit just got real. But enough about the theme and the math behind it, and more about me.

Fact: Jacob Miller also donates blood, just not his own.

Theme:

Valentine's Day

Hallmark didn't see this coming.



Nor will your enemies see you coming as you're dressed in the full glory of Cupid, greek god of desire and erotic love.



That's right, past civilizations believed that the mere sight of the god you're going to be personifying would make them want to fuck. And trust me, after the sex appeal you'll be granted after attending costume paintball, it'll be true.



Want proof? Just look at me:

fig 2. Hot Damn.

When: February 13th, 2011. 11am.



www.island-paintball.com

View this shit in a larger map



I can even give you a ride - but sorry folks, I only have four seats. While I maintain a strict, "First come, all served" policy with the ladies, rides are sadly first come first served. Get em while you can. Soft italian leather awaits your ass in my chariot. Where? Here bitches.I can even give you a ride - but sorry folks, I only have four seats. While I maintain a strict, "First come, all served" policy with the ladies, rides are sadly first come first served. Get em while you can. Soft italian leather awaits your ass in my chariot.

FAQ



How much is it?

$30, I'll provide the paint.



What if I don't come in costume?

Then you dont get paint. In fact, I wont even acknowledge that you're there. I'll probably stop speaking to you as well.



Wow, that's harsh, but what if I'm scared of paintballs and want to wear lots of padding instead of a motherfucking awesome costume?

Then man-the-fuck-up. Or come to the AFTER PAINTBALL BEACH FOOD THING. Oh yea, forgot about that. Maybe you all should bring food for after.



Oh cool, where's that at?

Find the people who are busy being more awesome than you (read: the people playing paintball in costume), then walk forty meters toward the water. Bam. You've found the beach. Achievement unlocked.



Nice! Can I just wear a costume to that instead?

No. You have to earn your cupid wings. With pain.