A block party dumpster pool with a Pabst banner on the side might be the whitest thing ever.

You’ll look for anyway to cool down when it’s scorching hot out, but the city wants you to know that you’re being gross and breaking the law when you choose to do it in a dumpster pool. After residents on Cedar Street rented a dumpster for their block party and filled it with hydrant water, the Communications Director for the Department of Licenses and Inspections, Karen Guss (GREAT L&I INSPECTOR NAME), released a statement in which you can almost hear her mumbling angrily to herself, pissed off that she even has to address this:

“In view of the City’s commitment to public health, safety and basic common sense, we will not issue permits for block party dumpster pools. And while you would think this decision would not require an explanation, three days of press requests have proven otherwise. So, Philly, here’s why you shouldn’t swim in a receptacle most often used for waste:

First hitchbot, now this? The city itself is really outpacing It’s Always Sunny these days.

Just imagine trying to do your job, inform people about real issues, and you keep getting emails from chunky dudes with beards (hello my people) asking if they can put a bunch of public water in a dumpster and wade in it with their friends. I’d quit my job and leave the city.

Guss’s’s’s’s’s’s’ssss”s’s’s’s’s reasons:

First and foremost, this could reduce the amount of water available should a fire break out in that neighborhood. So if you would like to have water available should a fire break out in your home, don’t illegally tap a hydrant

There is also the potential loss of life by injury due to the hydrant water pushing a small child or even an adult into oncoming traffic.

Finally, remember that the pressure of the water coming out of the hydrant is so strong, and so powerful, that if opened too quickly or closed too quickly, it could deliver a jolt to the main of sufficient force that could break the main … and many blocks could lose water service until it is repaired.

And also, it’s a little weird. No amount of power washing and tarp placing makes it that you’re not swimming in a dumpster. No matter how much bleach is dropped in there, it’s dirty forever. The stink is never gone. And now you’re probably peeing in it.

We are not screwing around, Philly. The Streets Department will not issue any future block party permits to the 2400 block of Cedar, and officials have contacted the dumpster rental company regarding its failures to obtain the proper closure permits and to take mandatory measures to protect the street during placement of the dumpster. In short, the City strongly recommends that residents opt for recreational options that are safer, more sanitary, and less likely to deplete the resources firefighters need in an emergency.”

All that was missing was an opening of “Listen, you goddamn idiots,” and I imagine the first draft of the release had “gross” and “weird”and “herpes” in there a few times. Not only can you not legally do this, that block is banned from having block parties at all now. Imagine being a new neighbor moving in and asking “Hey, do you guys ever have block parties?” and hearing back “Well, we did once, but now we’re banned because we all waded in our own sweat, spilled beer, and filth in a rented dumpster with illegal water.”

The city doesn’t like you opening hydrants in general – Billy Penn points out 13 were opened per day in July – but they like it even less when you cram a bunch of people in a PBR-sponsored dumpster. Don’t do it. It’s weird. Though there were some 98 degree days out there where I seriously considered breaking some trespassing laws just to fall lifelessly into a pool. Still weird though.

Kyle: I got hot tub folliculitis that I thought was gonorrhea from my friend’s hot tub once. He claimed he cleaned it. Imagine the diseases you could get in a dumpster.