Dear Auntie,

Do you have any advice for me on how to handle sexist/racist/discriminatory comments and not let it discourage me from going for what I want? You see, my career plans involve becoming an army medic first (hopefully) and then going on to become a biomedical engineer. When going through research on what these jobs would be like, you can imagine I came across on how women are treated in these male dominated fields. I’ve been on forums such as Reddit and Quora, where women have posted experiences ranging from “they treat me well, I’m lucky” to “they pretty much belittle me.” Reading these forums make me dread going into the careers I want.

It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m going through depression right now and have such low self esteem (I’m working on that though). I am a pretty sensitive person and while negative comments coming from strangers in the streets doesn’t bother me, negativity from co-workers does. To be clear, constructive criticism doesn’t bother me; in fact I want to be told if I need to improve on an area I’m weak at. However, treating me like I’m irrelevant or incompetent is a no-go. You may be thinking, “Well then, don’t take their words to heart, because of course they’re being sexist!” In the workplace though, I want to at least be respected. I don’t need to be buddy-buddy with them, but if they could at least take me seriously that would be fine.

I guess really, it all comes down to my self-doubt, and I feel terrible for it. Reading the bad experiences made me cringe at the thought of going for the careers I want, despite the fact that not all of the women’s experiences were bad. I feel terrible for feeling this way because despite the fact that I’m a feminist, I doubt myself for going into these fields. I feel like I’ll be disappointing women from the past who, despite facing obstacles, still managed to achieve so much such as Rosalind Franklin and Ada Lovelace. They probably would be looking down at me saying, “Come on girl, just do it!” It also doesn’t help that I’m a minority (Asian) and despite improving conditions for people of color, racism still exists.

I’ve been looking into websites such as Rejected Princesses by Jason Porath and the Mighty Girls Facebook that show it is possible. So how do I keep myself from being discouraged into the careers I want? If I do end up in a workplace that won’t take me seriously, how should I handle it? How should I handle this irrational fear of mine?

Oooh, now there’s an interesting question!

And what’s interesting about it is your choice of words… or word, rather, when you describe your fear as irrational. I don’t have to tell you that your worries about workplace discrimination are premature at best, and based purely on an imagined bad outcome that hasn’t happened yet and perhaps never will—or to point out that you’re actively choosing to filter out every success story and encouraging data set in order to focus exclusively on the stuff that makes you feel discouraged and doomed. You know you’re being silly; everything about your letter says as much. (And pssst, here’s a fun fact: As an Asian woman, you’re statistically on track to out-earn pretty much everybody! Including a lot of men!)

But that’s why this isn’t really a question about the practical challenges of dealing with sexist, disrespectful coworkers, or the likelihood of that happening. It’s about your fear of that challenge, and more specifically, the way you’re cultivating that fear on purpose, almost like you’re looking for a reason to be discouraged from bothering to try in the first place.

You’re right, Sparkler: You have a self-doubt problem.

And the only cure for that is self-confidence—the kind that allows you to acknowledge the likely challenges of your chosen path, and vow to simply deal with them when the time comes.

Because, sweet pea, the truth is that the time will come. You’re going to have coworkers (and maybe even bosses) who don’t treat you the way you’d like to be treated, not necessarily because you’re a woman or an Asian, but because workplaces are full of people, and people can be awful. No matter the demographics of your future office, it will have jerks in it: people who don’t value you, don’t respect you, don’t trust you, or simply don’t like you. (And just for the record, I’m sorry to tell you that men and male-dominated industries do not even remotely have the market cornered when it comes to abusive behavior at work. In my own personal experience, the most toxic, backbiting, bullying office I’ve ever been in was one with no men in it—and an office in which I was the only woman was also the most refreshingly free of weird workplace drama.)

But because we’re talking about a hypothetical, far-off future scenario with a jerk coworker who may take one of several forms, I can’t tell you how to handle it. I can only urge you to have faith that you will, like the educated, confident, skilled and seasoned adult you’re on your way to becoming.

And you will handle it, because of course you will. What else are you going to do? Roll over and die? And before you reply that yes, you would in fact roll over and die, please keep in mind that the person dealing with this imagined workplace conflict is not you, as you are right now. It’s the you of the future, a woman who’s already overcome and number of challenges to find gainful employment in your chosen field. You might currently feel like it’s a deal-breaker for a colleague to treat you like you’re incompetent, but ten years from now? You’re going to have much too much maturity, knowledge, and experience (including military experience, according to your current plan) to waste your time being intimidated by small-time jerks. The woman you’re planning to become—a woman who’s been through boot camp, for Pete’s sake—is not going to break down and lose hope just because some guy at work was rude to her.

Which is what I want you to remember, when you start fretting about this stuff. In fact, I’d like you to officially round up every one of your premature worries—the ones that have no immediate effect on your life—and put them aside to be handled by the highly competent You of the Future, who will have the benefit of multiple years’ worth of age, education, and experience on which to rely when it comes to navigating a challenging career path (or deciding she doesn’t want to, for that matter. You have a lot of years ahead of you in which to figure out exactly what you want to do, and if the downsides of a given field make it unappealing to you, then perhaps you’ll pick a different one.)

That’s her job. Your job is simply to become that person: to keep learning and growing, to know your strengths and pursue your interests, to follow your heart in whatever direction it takes you, to work on developing the skills and resilience that will serve you well as an adult, and to trust that this process will work its magic to transform you into a capable grown-up who can navigate the complexities of professional life like a champ.

Oh, and also: Stop reading scary stories about women in STEM before bedtime.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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