I tried to be 'one of the guys' in the Marines and shut out other women. I was wrong. Leaders like me need to acknowledge problems like sexism and harassment and help women handle them, whether in Hollywood, Silicon Valley or the Marines.

Kate Germano | Opinion contributor

As a hard-charging female Marine in a hypermasculine environment, I pushed myself to fit in as one of the guys.

But in that quest, I often blinded myself to the experiences of Marine women navigating the gender minefield of a military branch where women make up only 9% of the force.

I wanted to be the “exception.” I tried to prove myself through strength, speed and performance, but only at the expense of other women.

Because, if you’re an “exceptional woman,” you don’t fit the negative stereotypes for female Marines — and there are many. But to maintain membership in the club, you must segregate yourself from other women who might be struggling, or you risk being painted with the same brush.

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This isn’t a new phenomenon — just one I wasn’t familiar with as I began my career. In many areas, including the military, tech world, public safety and the corporate sector, women make up a small minority of the workforce, particularly at senior levels. From the beginning, we stick out. So we try to fit in, even if it means denying help or affinity to “our kind.”

And that makes it harder for all of us.

In some fields, there are few of us available to mentor or band together. Of the Fortune 500 CEOs, just 27 are women. Women own about 5% of funded start-ups. Women make up 27% of computer and information system managers.

We focus so exclusively on getting ahead that we don’t reach behind.

As the idea of “exceptional woman” has made the rounds, we’ve seen it appear in popular culture, and we’ve had to take another look at our heroines.

Patricia Pender writes in The Atlantic about Buffy the Vampire Slayer as the “exceptional woman” — and compares her to Margaret Thatcher in her reputation for being “not necessarily a sister to the cause.” She fights as an individual. She doesn’t celebrate the achievements or fight the negative expectations of other women.

In my case, “exceptionalism” meant I was not authentic to myself as a woman or a leader. For many years, I adopted masculine traits, such using profanity to make a point. Worse, I denied my own exposure to sexual harassment and assault, leaving my junior Marine women to bear the burden of victimhood on their own.

I assumed that if I was strong — and if the women who worked for me were strong — we would be safe. But preaching strength leaves little room for women to come forward when they’ve been belittled, or harassed or assaulted.

It’s a different kind of victim-blaming: If you come forward, you admit you weren’t strong enough to hack it.

One of my Marines later told me she didn’t feel comfortable telling me a senior non-commissioned officer had been harassing her. She worried I would judge her strength. That’s devastating to me.

This is part of why the #MeToo movement hit so hard: Women assumed they were the only ones being harassed, because “exceptional” women like me looked the other way. Younger women understand this. They write about it. They form social media groups for support. They know better than to reach up.

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It’s shameful to me that senior Marine officers don’t band together to speak out about this issue. But it’s hard to be a part of “the club” if you do.

As women move up, there is often more pressure to conform. So, as we gain power, we continue our self-ostracization from other women.

By the time I arrived at Parris Island to command Fourth Battalion, the military’s only all-female battalion and the place where Marine Corps boot camp is conducted for women, I had a firm grasp of my previous failures to mentor Marine women, and I wanted to work to lift them and to convince them they could be stronger, tougher and faster than they ever thought possible.

But I learned that first, we must work together to destroy this idea of “exceptional woman.”

We must help younger women learn from our mistakes, and we must push for the reforms that would make it safer to be a woman at work.

As Kelly Kennedy and I wrote our new book, Fight Like a Girl, we talked a lot about what we wanted it to accomplish. I love the Corps, and I want my story to demonstrate the need for Congress and the public to hold the branch accountable. The culture won’t change if we don’t increase the number of women in the service, as well integrate boot camp so men and women train together from the beginning. But those two things alone will not change the culture.

We wrote the book so that other women will learn from my mistakes — so they don’t feel they have to choose between fitting in and taking other women under their wings. We want to highlight the need for women to mentor other women, not only in the military but in all work environments. We want both men and women to understand that growth for women — confidence, accomplishment and trust in their own work and leadership style — will only happen if we banish the idea of the exceptional woman.

Do you remember the last episode of Buffy?

She recognized that everyone could be stronger, faster and smarter.

She handed her power to the group.

Kate Germano retired as a lieutenant colonel after 20 years in the Marine Corps. She is the author, with Kelly Kennedy, of Fight Like a Girl: The Truth Behind How Female Marines Are Trained, published April 3. Follow them on Twitter: @kate_germano and @KellySKennedy.