WASHINGTON—Tearing through the West Wing with guns slung over their shoulders, the Trump boys were reportedly seen Thursday chasing a wounded boar around the White House. “Look! Let’s follow that blood trail!” said Donald Jr., who had been examining a clump of damp, sticky fur clinging to a curtain in the press secretary’s office when he noticed a red trickle on the floor leading out to the West Colonnade. “I thought I had a clean kill, but I must’ve just hit his haunch! Come on, Eric! We can’t let anyone from a tour group get to it first—that’s our hog!” At press time, Donald Jr. had startled the boar in the Cabinet Room and pursued it into the Oval Office, where Eric reportedly shot the animal at point-blank range from behind the Resolute desk and giggled as the animal bled out onto the carpet’s presidential seal.

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