NEW YORK—Addressing the speculation that has circulated on social media since Sunday’s Academy Awards broadcast, Lady Gaga made an announcement this week to quash any rumors that she ever thought Bradley Cooper was talented in any way. “A lot of gossip has been floating around about the two of us, so let me assure you that not once have I ever felt that Bradley Cooper possessed any real skills or anything resembling artistic merit,” said the Oscar-winning songwriter, noting that if she conveyed any sign of respect toward the man who directed and appeared with her in the film A Star Is Born, she was simply doing her job as an actor. “The only reason people think I have a high regard for his craft is because, as performers, that’s what we want you to think. In reality, I don’t feel that way about him at all, and I hope this puts an end to any theories out there that I have ever considered Bradley to be anything more than a complete and utter hack.” When reached for comment, Bradley Cooper told reporters that he is a huge fan of Lady Gaga, has been a huge fan of Lady Gaga since the first time he ever saw her, and would leave his partner and child to commit himself completely to Lady Gaga and her career if she would only say the word.

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