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THE COMMISSION of Future Policing, set up to review An Garda Síochána in the wake of a number of scandals has made a recommendation to invent time travel and set a course for when the police force was first set up in 1923 with the instruction to ‘do it properly this time’.

Reforms and recommendations costing millions in investment and millions more in recruitment, restorative pay and training were expected to be outlined along with a timely suggestion guards be given training in humans rights mooted but instead, such is the archaic and dumbfounding approach to setting up, supporting and funding a viable police force in Ireland, the report simply stated ‘go back in time and set it up properly’.

“Yeah, shitty, barely functional courts system with squalid prisons bursting at the seams, guards given out of date training by out of date personnel sent onto the streets in out of date uniforms, driving out of date vehicles. Bossed around by self-serving politicians on a whim. Time travel really is the only option to fix this neglect and cock up,” one person involved in the commission confirmed.

Other experts hedged their bets when predicting the report’s outcome and suggested a new security force dealing with counter terrorism and national security would be set up along with a new independent body charged with investigating police misconduct. As well as a new focus placed on community policing, increased visibility of gardaí on the streets and taking the burden of prosecuting cases away from over worked gardaí.

“You actually need to hire, train and support guards properly in order to do that,” sarcastically remarked one Garda scanning through the report, who knew full well the government wouldn’t cough up the money necessary to travel back in time or even just hire enough guards to tackle crime.

Elsewhere the government searched down the back of the couch for some change while confirming it would seriously invest in hiring one guard whose job it was to drive around the streets to make it look like the public wasn’t completely alone out there, at the mercy of criminals.