By Justin Trudeau

Recently you may have heard about a supposed incident that took place at a B.C. music festival 18 years ago in which I, woke bae Justin Trudeau, allegedly groped a female journalist. Allow me to be clear: There is absolutely zero truth to these allegations which I immediately acknowledged and apologized for at the time they occurred.

I have spent the past few weeks racking my brain to piece together the events of that weekend while simultaneously waiting to see if the media was going to drop this story. Admittedly it was a bit difficult because the event in question took place at a music festival and I may have consumed a fair amount of a certain substance which is about to become legal (YOU’RE WELCOME BTW).

But now that I have remembered the events and also become convinced this isn’t going to blow over, I wish to say that we must always believe women who come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct. Just because I don’t recall any untoward behaviour on my part does not mean that the woman in question felt the same way. Nor does it mean that I didn’t apologize for said untoward behaviour at the time. When you are a true feminist like I am, you see that these things are not mutually exclusive.

In this MeToo era we are all learning that women are human beings with thoughts and feelings. I am proud of the work I have done to eliminate sexual harassment from politics by holding MPs to a zero tolerance standard that applies to everyone who committed sexual misconduct within the last 17.9 years.

We must continue to move forward to a place where women everywhere are safe from the kind of behaviour that definitely did not happen but did in her mind and has already been apologized for.

Many members of the media have asked me if I intend to contact the journalist who originally made the allegations against me and apologize. But of course, to do so would only drag this poor woman, who did not suffer any trauma but must be believed when she says she suffered trauma, into a spotlight she does not want. Also even though I don’t remember apologizing, I still want credit for apologizing at the time. So I don’t need to do it again.

I hope this editorial finally clears the air over this issue. I think we can all agree that it is beneficial the stories stop now, before any American liberal media pick up on it and I lose the support of the people that really matter to me.