LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh air for the sole purpose of extracting fresh tomato sauce from their teat-like protuberances,” said PETA spokesperson Jasper Dornhoff, adding that the grotesque creatures were covered in infected sores from biting one another and that many appeared to be wallowing in their own garlicky waste all the way up to their haunches. “Papa John’s is profiting from the suffering of these beasts so they can continue to produce the millions of pizzas consumed by the public every year. No living thing on earth should have to spend its life pumped up with hormones and milked for its sauce almost constantly, not even able to nurse its own calves.” At press time, a Papa John’s representative warned that any humane changes to the sauce creatures’ environment would negatively affect that special Papa John’s flavor.

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