Boris Johnson pledges to give everyone their own pole-dancing mistress

Life under a continued Conservative government is going to jolly fun for everyone, Boris Johnson has pledged.

Launching the Tory manifesto in Telford yesterday, Boris Johnson promised that if elected his party would hire 50,000 nurses, tighten immigration controls, and give everyone their own pole-dancing mistress.

Addressing the gathered journalists yesterday Mr Johnson declared, “Healthcare is a right, having a limit on foreigners coming into our land is a right, and most importantly of all, it is a basic human right that everyone should have access to a pole-dancing mistress slash someone who can fix their computer problems.

“Having had personal experience of a number of mistresses over the years – at least three thousand, two hundred and fifty-eight, roughly – I found that the one who was able to fix my computer and who also had a pole set up in her personal office space was my favourite, and I naturally want to offer everyone in the land the opportunity to experience just one of the many privileges that I have enjoyed over the years.”

After a journalist asked how exactly he intended to fulfil this pledge to give everyone a pole-dancing mistress, Boris replied, “Ah, well I suppose I must add a caveat – each person must be earning at least two hundred grand a year so they can pay their own mistress in free passes to trade delegations and the like.

“But I’m sure most of the population are earning that now that we have brought an end to austerity.”