That a bacon sandwich? It’s not that I don’t respect your personal choice, but are you absolutely sure you want to do that? With everything they’re saying about processed meat – yuck – killing you?

Without going all I told you so, vegans have been saying meat is deadly for years, that’s people as well as animals. All we got was carnists going, “But how would you live without bacon?” Maybe if they’d listened to us a bit more, instead of going on about how skinny and angry we all are, there wouldn’t be so many bloated animal abusers getting ill. Of course I’m not laughing, but if it stops even one carnist like you paying other people to torture animals, you won’t see many vegans complaining. Up to you, of course.

Do you know how most of the meat on your plate is raised? I’ll send you a link to a video, it’s called The Sickening Animal Holocaust Is Totally Your Fault, and there’s another brilliant one, Fancy Some Embryonic Fluid Of Unborn Chicken On Toast – apparently, most people who see that never eat another egg. You might also want to watch Your Pint Of Cow Secretion Came Out Of A Cow’s Actual Udder. I promise, if you knew the truth about dairy farming, the next sip of your latte would come spurting repulsively out of your nose as you retched in disgust, and even if you don’t care about motherless little calves you might feel a bit worried about milk giving you diabetes.

But don’t listen to me, I’m just a vegan – wait until the World Health Organisation confirms everything I have said. Well, I’m sorry if that sounds angry, but if you spoke for the animals, maybe you’d be angry, aren’t we meant to be angry about holocausts?

Don’t get me started on people who go on about missing bacon when everyone knows there are brilliant vegan substitutes that taste exactly the same. What do you think I’m eating? Yum.