Movie review: Don't waste money on 'The Spirit'

The Spirit (Gabriel Macht, left), Morgenstern (Stana Katic) and Dolan (Dan Lauria) in THE SPIRIT. The Spirit (Gabriel Macht, left), Morgenstern (Stana Katic) and Dolan (Dan Lauria) in THE SPIRIT. Photo: Lionsgate/Odd Lot Entertainment Photo: Lionsgate/Odd Lot Entertainment Image 1 of / 3 Caption Close Movie review: Don't waste money on 'The Spirit' 1 / 3 Back to Gallery

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The Spirit: Action adventure. Starring Gabriel Macht, Eva Mendes, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson. Directed by Frank Miller. (PG-13. 103 minutes. At Bay Area theaters.)

Frank Miller will survive this disaster.

Miller's distinction as one of the all-time best comic book writers is strong enough to withstand his role in making one of the worst comic book movies ever. After all, Sidney Poitier directed Bill Cosby in "Ghost Dad," and even that cinematic atrocity couldn't undo his work in "Lilies of the Field."

But just because writer-director Miller will walk away from "The Spirit," based on Will Eisner's groundbreaking comic strip, with his reputation more or less intact doesn't mean that you will. There will be relationships that end because of this film, which ties with "Wild Wild West" as the worst first-date movie of all time. Even in these lean economic times, I would guess that somewhere between 25 and 35 percent of each audience will walk out before the movie is over. Throwing your $10.25 down a storm drain is a better idea; at least that way you won't feel the added self-loathing of wasting more than an hour and a half of your life watching Eva Mendes in the worst acting job of her career.

Yes, worse than "Ghost Rider." And yet her performance doesn't even rank in the top 150 problems with this film, which features a nearly indestructible crime fighter named the Spirit and his confusing and boring adventures. Because of the space limitations of the newspaper medium, here's a random sampling:

Problem No. 148: The Spirit's costume. You have never seen a more poorly accessorized superhero. He appears to be wearing black skater shoes with white soles and a thin red tie like ones that Spandau Ballet might have worn to the "Do They Know It's Christmas" sessions. As for his cheap-looking black mask, you could make a better one in five minutes with a Raiders jersey, a pair of scissors and some rubber cement.

Problem No. 111: Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson plays the Octopus, a really cool villain from the Spirit comic. In the strip, readers never see more than his gloves, making him a mysterious and scary guy. In the movie, he's simply Samuel L. Jackson. You know, the "Snakes on a Plane"/ "Lakeview Terrace"/And-you-will-know-my-name-is-the-Lord-when-I-lay-my-vengeance-upon-thee persona that is quickly becoming a joke. It's time to rent "Jungle Fever" again to remember why we used to like this guy.

Problem No. 110: The dialogue. Here's an actual quote from the Octopus in the movie: "There's nothing I like better than kicking your ass ... except maybe eggs." What does that even mean?

Problem No. 75: The misogynist themes. Hey, I appreciate a sexist plot turn as much as the next guy. Bring on the "Porky's" remake. But does every woman in this movie have to pine hopelessly after our hero? And does he have to treat them all like dirt? Miller's next film better be a Gloria Steinem biopic.

Problem No. 34: The laptops and cell phones. Every part of this movie's dialogue and look seems to be an attempt to re-create the 1940s - at least until someone's Nokia cell phone starts ringing. Was wireless coverage really that good during the Truman administration?

Problem No. 5: The PG-13 rating. After you've watched the stylized cinematic carnage and mayhem in "Sin City" and "300," both excellent movies made from Miller graphic novels, the action in this movie seems extremely bloodless and limp. True, it's modeled after a comic strip that appeared in family newspapers. But they included a copy machine in the 1940s; would it seem so strange to have some R-rated violence as well?

All of this is coming from someone who thinks Miller is a genius. The Dark Knight Returns is one of the three or four best comic books of all time. And yet Miller's track record for writing movies was already suspect (he also wrote "Robocop 2" and "Robocop 3").

Nearly every move he makes in "The Spirit" is misguided. Like the way seemingly simple things are ruined, including the audio effects, which sound as if they were borrowed from the local Wacky Morning Zoo radio program. Or the way that Jackson wears a hat like Jed Clampett from "The Beverly Hillbillies." Or the way that every scene looks as if it was done in one take ...

Right about now you might be getting kind of curious. Could it really be that bad? Has a film finally been made that's worse than "Highlander II: The Quickening"?

Give Miller some credit. He didn't make the worst movie of all time. But that's about the best thing that can be said for "The Spirit."

-- Advisory: This film contains brief nudity, sexual situations, violence and a buttocks-on-the-copy machine sequence that should not be repeated during your holiday work party.