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‘Squabble and Peace’ Doesn’t Have the Same Ring

President Trump on Tuesday minimized the current trade war with China, referring to the clash as a “little squabble.” Late night joked that Trump surely wasn’t clear on the meaning of the phrase.

“[Impersonating Trump] We’ve had lots of squabbles throughout history. We had World Squabble I, World Squabble II.” — STEPHEN COLBERT ”[As Trump] I love squabble! When I play squabble, I spell all the best words.” — JIMMY FALLON

Colbert also found it hilarious that Trump said he hoped China would “continue to buy our farm product.”



“Did he say ‘farm product?’ I’m not sure he knows what grows on farms. [As Trump ] ‘You know, farm product. Amber waves of the brown grass stuff, the noncarbonated white cow cola, and the green thing you take off the burger.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

Biden Anticipates a Republican Epiphany

While campaigning in New Hampshire on Tuesday, Joe Biden talked of plans for a post-Trump White House. He predicted “an epiphany” among many of his Republicans friends. Seth Meyers dedicated a segment that he calls “Hey!” to Biden’s statements.

“Hey, Joe — you think Republicans are suddenly going to change their tune and start working with Democrats? Were you asleep during the Obama years? Oh, wait, you were.” — SETH MEYERS “Hey, Joe — I appreciate that you want a normal government that gets things done in a bipartisan fashion. I think most people do. But right now the government is like a pizzeria where half of the employees think there should be more toppings, and the other half doesn’t think pizza is real.” — SETH MEYERS

The Punchiest Punchlines (Taxed Items Edition)

“Yesterday, China retaliated with tariffs on $60 billion of American products, including beer, wine and swimsuits, explaining the new MTV show ‘Spring Break Shanghai: Sober and Naked.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT “To stop paying tariffs, all you have to do is stop using products made in China. That’s going to be awkward for Trump. He’s going to have to stop using his own ties and his hair, I’m guessing.” — STEPHEN COLBERT “I read that China already raised tariffs on wine, hair gel, swimsuits and condoms. That might not affect you, but it’s going to cripple the ‘Bachelor’ mansion.” — JIMMY FALLON

The Bits Worth Watching

After years of parodying Keith Morrison on “Saturday Night Live,” Bill Hader finally met the iconic “Dateline” host while promoting his series “Barry.” Hader shared the news and some pics while chatting with Meyers on Tuesday night.