Five A.M. No alarm. I’m wide awake. It was time.

My mind was clear. “I’m going to the gym and I’m going to put up some shots”. I knew right away. After months and months of physical therapy, it hits you.

Anxiety and worry. Will there be a tinge of pain on the follow through? Even on just layups? Is there a tear that’s invisible to doctors? Or maybe my anatomy is just broken. The doctors said it was just a Grade I-II AC Joint separation in my shoulder, but they just don’t know my history. It feels impossible to explain my past history of 6+ years of doing PT on both my shoulders, the countless past MRIs suggesting a SLAP tear in both shoulders, and the just the day-to-day pain and uncertainty.

I quietly packed up my stuff, careful not to wake Sam; headed to the gym.

No one is there. It’s empty. 6:30 AM and I’ve got the full gym to myself. The bouncing ball echoes through the large room….

One year ago. I quit entirely. I stopped trying one-armed basketball. I stopped trying strength training. I had achy shoulders. An achy foot. I tried to block out the feeling of a post-workout endorphin rush. Or playing ball with my friends. That’s just not for me anymore.

I had been doing PT, but it felt futile. The worst feeling is when you see no progress. You put in work and you don’t get a reward. I’m impatient. I strive to be more patient. Chris, this is good–you are building up your patience muscle. PT is making you mentally tougher. Man, fuck this.

Pain and not exercising is hell. I felt powerless and upset ay myself, mad at my body. Worried about my right shoulder and really mad at my reluctant-to-heal left shoulder. Mad at myself for feeling self-pity.

I started up again, however. I brought the 2 lb. dumbbells back out. I didn’t want to give up. Besides, I could always try surgery if I had to; I could get a third, fourth opinion.

I found a new physical therapist, Mike. He’s awesome. He’s not afraid. He didn’t tell me I needed surgery after 2 months of rehab, like a prior specialist told me. On our first session, I showed him the exercises I had been doing. He quickly told me I was not even close to ready for those. I needed to start from the bottom. From the beginning.

I made no progress after 3 months of every-other-day PT exercises. Literally nothing. But I kept seeing Mike, once or twice a week. I built up the energy to get on the elliptical. Twenty minutes interval training during lunch, without using my shoulders. And you know what? I got a sweat for the first time in months. I got a taste of the carrot and it tasted f’ing amazing. I felt like if I’m doing PT, I might as well try the cardio again. I started to build momentum.

After doing the elliptical for some time, I started up spin, despite some foot pain. It didn’t feel amazing for the rest of my body either and put some pressure on my shoulders. But at that point, it was exactly what I needed. The foot pain intensified. I found Kiambu, a body work specialist, who after one session got rid of 80% of my foot pain. Amazing.

PT can be demoralizing. It takes time and doesn’t give you the gratification like a good cardio workout. Spin provided me with motivation and helped showed me what I was doing PT for: getting physically fit, playing basketball, and being active.

After those initial slow months, starting after the New Year, I started making progress on my shoulders. I could actually feel muscle developing and maybe even the pain was lessening. Since then, over the past few months, it’s been semi-linear progress. Lately, week over week, I seem to be improving. Well, maybe not every week or even every two weeks. I’ve fallen into plenty of ruts, but if I’m listening to myself those can be instructive and I’m more patient now. Progress is addicting. I’m tossing medicine balls. I’m lifting heavy weights. Dr. Dooley has me doing the crooked arm bar and the getup. I’m getting stronger.

Back to the basketball gym at 6:30 AM. I felt okay! Nearly a year and a half after the snowboarding fall, I took my first right-handed jump shot. I’ve never taken a jump shot so cautiously in my life. I took a handful of shots within the key that day. I didn’t dare take a 3-point shot. I was gingerly and totally fine with that. It’s so easy to be patient when you feel optimistic.

Two weeks later, last Wednesday, I played 2 on 2 ball. I’m still in shock. I have a long way to go before my goals, but damn progress feels good.

Thank you for reading and good luck!

This post is part of a series on come back from injury.

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Here are the specialists who have helped me in NYC. I have no idea what I would do without them.

* Michael Zazzali

* Kiambu Dickerson

* Dr. Kathy Dooley

These are general tips I have for those recovering from an injury:

Get help

Find someone you like and trust. Be honest with yourself. Don’t feel bad if you need to see many different people. Don’t feel embarrassed. You are not alone.

Life Stability

Having a stable routine for the past year has been crucial. If you are constantly traveling around or changing jobs or cities, it’s hard to stick with a plan.

Patience

As cliche as it is, this is crucial

You have to apply yourself each day to becoming a little better. By becoming a little better each and every day, over a period of time, you will become a lot better. -John Wooden

Progress is not linear. I’ve talked to others about this. As much as we want it be…

Form

Dr. Dooley showed me this quote which I love: “More is not better. Better is better”

Especially if you have instability, using the right form is key

Posture. Holy crap, practicing good posture has been crazy helpful with shoulder pain. Hey you! Stop sticking your head out and drooping your shoulders down

Cardio/Do Something You Enjoy