Seriously. It’s terrible. Don’t bother.

With Teen Vogue leading the charge to normalize this male-centered, demeaning activity to young girls, somebody needs to provide a counterpoint. You don’t have to do this to yourselves. You don’t even have to try it.

CW: I’m about to tell the truth, not lead girls and women up the garden path by glossing over reality. Proceed with caution. It’s nasty.

For Christmas 2019, Teen Vogue (run by neither teens nor people in vogue) promoted their famous penis-forward advice piece, A Guide to Anal Sex. It paints a rather rosy picture of anal intercourse, leaving me to wonder who’s going to tell the truth? Are girls just supposed to believe this stuff, charge forward and learn their lesson on their own?

So here are some things you need to know, for truth:

Of course it’s going to hurt. That’s why Amazon sells numbing sprays. That’s why they tell you to go slowly (like you have any control over that). That’s a part of why some men like it — they like it when women agree to be hurt.

Yes, there’s feces. How is this even a grey area? Some men really like the idea of feces on their peens, others may want their partner to have an enema first. Regardless, that’s your colon’s actual function so the feces is supposed to be there, while the penis is not.

This is one-sided pleasure. Of course men like it. What do women get out of it except pride that they endured a painful, likely gross event that left them with dubious bowel control for a few days (or forever)? A nice pat on the head? We don’t even have a prostate to stimulate.

Cross contamination is a real thing. Feces contain e Coli bacteria which can get everywhere, especially if the penis goes from anus to vagina or mouth. Condoms can help.

Anal fissures are very painful. This is a tear in the flesh, but it comes with muscle spasms that are like being stabbed in the butt, randomly and quite vividly, and can last for weeks or require surgery.

Anal cancer can kill you. The same virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer also causes anal cancer.

Incontinence will occur. The sphincter is pretty good at holding in gas and fecal matter most of the time. The body is pretty good at knowing when the colon has a bowel movement in it. Shock to those tissues, which can be temporary or permanent, results in incontinence.

Condoms are a must. I don’t care what porn tells you, this is not a spur-of-the-moment lark to be had in an out-of-the-way corner of an art museum. This requires planning. Lube. Analgesics (never noticed the pun before). Wet wipes. Access to a bathroom immediately. Extra sheets.

Ejaculate will make for stomach craps. It’s like an enema, but worse. Make sure the bathroom is close. Don’t think you’re going to be sneaking past sleeping roommates or anything. Leaving a trail of ejaculate-lube-blood-feces across your carpet may violate your rental agreement.

It’s not like porn at all. It’s not a nice, pleasant experience. It’s not clean and tidy, with smiles all around and some kind of female liberation that comes from being the down-and-dirtiest of them all. It’s not “oooh yeah that feels good.” I mean for him, yeah, of course it does. For women, not really!

It’s not homophobic to say no. This is just a really funny thing. Of course it isn’t. Men have prostates, so they have some kind of magical pleasure centers that are stimulated through this act. If the payoff is worth it to them — mazel tov.

I’m not going to say all men who ask for anal sex are sadists, fecophiliacs, misogynists, or pornsick. But given the one-sided nature of the request it’s only fair to ask Why are you even asking me for this?