ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Muffled screams and dull thudding echoed around the cul-de-sacs of Davidson in Sydney’s leafy upper-north-east-side last night as former Prime Minister Tony Abbott arrived home from a debate against his election rival, Zali Steggall.

After taking the long way home listening to The Very Best Of Australian Crawl twice through, the Scorpio pulled up in the driveway of his humble family home and proceeded to violently head-butt the steering wheel of his mid-90s Mercedes Benz while he screamed bloody murder.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he calmed screamed as he methodically slammed his forehead against the three-pronged star of his Stuttgart taxi.

“Why?!”

“Is this a test, God?! Fuck!”

As quickly has he exploded, Mr Abbott took a deep breath and composed himself.

Exiting his car, he turned to lock the door manually but dropped the keys as he juggled them.

He let out an inappropriately loud public F-bomb and bent over to pick the keys up.

Not content with that, Abbott kicked the side mirror off his car and went inside.

More to come.

