I knew it. I KNEW I’d find some way to mess things up with Ivy.

I already predicted something like this would happen, didn’t I? I said I’d push her away — that I’d find some way to lose her.

And, well, I was almost right. I came so close to blowing it — to losing Ivy. Forever.

It was such a friggin’ mess. I invited Ivy to my room the other day so we could talk. I wanted a chance to apologize for how I’ve been treating her. I wanted her to understand why I keep pulling away, y’know? I knew I haven’t been fair to her. And I just had to tell her why. I needed her to understand.

It was beyond terrifying, but it was something I knew I had to do. Before she left, Katie told me I needed to ‘go for it’ with Ivy. And I wanted to. But I knew the only way I could do that was if I was honest with her.

Or at least, I THOUGHT that was the only way…

But things didn’t exactly go according to plan. One minute I was trying to tell her how I feel, and the next she was laying on top of me and practically ripping my clothes off… It was fucking amazing. I mean, I guess I wish I could say it was slow and beautiful and romantic or something. That’s always how I imagined it would be with her.

Instead, it was just… hot. As fucking hell. It was fast, and kinda frenzied, and just so… intense. The best I’ve ever had — by a lot.

I guess afterwards was the romantic part. The way Ivy snuggled up to me and laid her head on my chest… It was so perfect. My heart just felt full, y’know?

But then I started thinking too much. All those flames died away, the smoke cleared, and I totally freaked. It suddenly hit me what Ivy and I had just done… And it was just too much. Way more than I was ready for. Way more than I could handle. We just went way too fast.

But instead of trying to explain to Ivy what was going on, I did what I do best — I pushed.

And that could have been the end of it. I mean, I kind of expected it to be. Why the hell would she ever wanna talk to me again after that? I know I wouldn’t, if it were me. No freaking way.

I felt so stuck after that… I had no clue how I was supposed to make things better. Talking to her just felt like it was gonna make things worse. But then, so did ignoring her or giving her space. I guess it just seemed helpless. Like, how the hell was I supposed to figure out what I should do?

I didn’t really have anybody I could turn to. No Rylie or Devin. No Katie. But it wasn’t hard to figure out what they’d all tell me to do, if they were here. And I knew it was the right thing too.

So for once, I guess I figured out what to do on my own.

I went to her and Elly’s room this time. And as terrifying as it was, we talked it out.

I told her how sorry I was for pushing her away again. I told her I didn’t expect her to forgive me… Just that I wanted her to understand.

So I basically laid it all out on the line for her — I’m attracted to her… and not just physically either. I think she’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. She’s on my mind all the time. And I’m tired of pretending I don’t feel that way about her. I want… something with her. I wanna be more than friends. That much, I’m sure of.

But the idea of being with her still scares the shit out of me. I have like, zero experience. I’ve never been with a woman before… Hell, I’ve never been with anyone before, except Erik. And minus the first few months we were together, it wasn’t like that was a normal relationship either… And yet I still managed to help fuck that up. What if I fuck things up with Ivy too? She doesn’t deserve that.

Plus, nobody but my best friends even know that I’m not just into guys… And I’m not sure if I’m ready to be like, ‘out’ to my family yet. I have no idea what they’ll think. I even worry about what Erik’s gonna think, which is so stupid. But I can’t help it.

Not to mention… me and Ivy aren’t gonna be behind bars forever. We’re gonna get out of this place sooner or later. And who knows what’ll happen when we do? Do we really wanna complicate things by starting something while we’re both in here? Like… is it really worth it? I mean, I wanna believe it is, but… Fuck, I’m still hurting so much from losing Erik. And I can’t lie — I’m afraid of being hurt again… And maybe even more afraid of hurting Ivy too.

“But why didn’t you tell me any of that before?” She asked me.

So I told her the truth… Because I was afraid. I’ve always been afraid of talking about shit like this. And as much as I’ve been working on it with Dr. S, sometimes I still fuck up. But I know that doesn’t make it okay.

Anyway, it felt really good to get all that out there. Once I got going, it was a lot easier to say it than I thought it was gonna be. I can’t even tell you how long I’ve been bottling all that shit up… But the most terrifying part was having to wait and see how Ivy would react.

And, well… She took it a hell of a lot better than I thought she was going to.

I mean, she was still pretty mad at me. And I can’t exactly blame her for that… But she said she was willing to forgive me for what happened. “This time,” she said. But she told me she’s not sure if she’ll be able to handle something like this again. “I’m not sure if I can forgive you next time,” she told me.

But there won’t be a next time. I promised her that much. And I could never break a promise to her. I know I couldn’t.

We talked for a long time after that. Trying to figure out what we both wanted, I guess. Something that’d make us both happy.

And the answer was even easier than I thought it was gonna be.

So the bottom line is, we’re still friends, but we’re gonna try to be more than that too. We’re… well… um… I guess we don’t really have word for it. That was part of the agreement we came up with — no labels. Keeping it casual.

And as for the sex part, I think we’re gonna dial that back a little bit for now. I mean, we’re definitely gonna do it again. We both want to. But I think we’re gonna ease into it a little more this time.

“Let’s not rush it,” she said. She told me we should just take our time and enjoy each other.

And that sounds pretty damn good to me.

I mean, maybe that’s kinda what we’ve been doing already, in a way… So I guess not a lot is changing. Just more making out. More sex. More… feeling connected.

But no pressure either. No worrying about what my family might think. No stressing out about the future, or what’s gonna happen when we both get it out of this place. The only thing we’ll need to worry about is each other.

Can’t be more perfect than that, can it?

I’m just so grateful that I was able to fix things before I lost it all.

I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still scared about this whole thing… But you know what? I’m pretty damn excited too.

Ivy is amazing. No — she’s perfect. Being with her makes me feel so happy. And I’m starting to realize that it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve felt that way.

I’d almost forgotten how good it feels.

———————————————-

Note: I’m with my niece in New York City this weekend to see Hamilton 😀

Because of this, I will probably be very slow replying to comments this weekend, and my replies will probably be a lot shorter than usual. Just wanted to give you all a heads up! 🙂

Also, you might have thought I forgot about that OC Tag thing, but I didn’t! I’ve been working on some of them and saving them to post. I want to get a bunch of them done (I’m planning on doing 10 total) before I start posting them. So be on the lookout for a future announcement 🙂Thanks, guys!