I have a great fear – I fear becoming a burden to others because of bipolar disorder. I fear that I will become too much work. I fear that I will become too much bother. I fear that I will just become just plain “too much.” I know how burdensome bipolar disorder is to me and I don’t want to place that burden on others.

The Burden of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a highly burdensome illness. In fact, it burdens my life every day. Every day, I am forced to live within the limitations bipolar forces me to have. Every day, I am forced to do things I don’t want to do because bipolar disorder makes me. Every day, I have more to deal with than the average person because the bipolar hands it to me (with a no-returns policy).

And all of this really sucks. And, I honestly think, this type of burden would crush many people. Nevertheless, I do continue but I also realize the heavy burden under which I’m being placed and how no one else deserves to have to be weighed down like that with me.

Trying Not to Be a Burden Because of Bipolar Disorder

So I do everything I can to not be a burden to others. I try to only expose my bipolar underbelly a little bit. I try to make sure I act as normal as possible around others. I say, “I’m sorry,” over and over for the tiniest things – for nothing – sure that any small error on my part will make the person drop me like a rock while thinking, “Good riddance.”

And please understand, I have very good reasons for feeling this way. Others have left. Very important others have left. They left when I thought I was doing everything right. And when they did, they left holes in my heart that still haven’t been filled.

Burdensome Bipolar

My friends today would tell you I’m not a burden. I actually check in with them and see if I’m overstepping any lines because I’m so afraid I will without knowing it. These are wonderful, amazing people who choose to be there with me even though I’m imperfect, at times, “too much,” and challenging.

These are people who choose to be there even when I cry way too much or when I tell them I’m suicidal. These are friends who, of their own volition, check in with me just to make sure I’m okay. I cherish these people and want to give them everything.

And I’m still scared.

These people have never given any indication that they will suddenly cut me out of their lives, but then, neither did the last one. These people have proven their loyalty, have proven their love, over and over.

And I’m still scared.

So the questions become, will that fear ever go away? And will that fear somehow niggle its way into my existing relationships and actually cause the problems it is so afraid of?

I don’t have any good answers to these questions but I will say this: learning to trust people and learning to trust that people mean what they say is very, very hard for me. But these wonderful people are helping me do it. In baby steps, I suppose.

Header image by Grace to You.