5 Cute Ways to Signal to Customers That Your Door Is Locked Because You’re Not Fucking Open

Customers can be a little adorably obtuse sometimes. They love to ask questions that are already answered by posted signs, saying “must be free” when an item doesn’t properly scan, and most of all, they love yanking on door handles of a business that is very clearly closed for the day.

Customers don’t always respond well to things like “words” or “rules”, so here are 5 cute ways to signal to customers that your door is locked because you’re not fucking open right now, man.

Mouth the word “sorry” and shrug: This is the most tried and true of all the methods. Having been established in the Midwest, the mouth “sorry” and shrug technique soothes the egos of the confused customers and puts the blame on the true culprit: the deadbolt.



Point to the closed sign and make fart noises: This one is a favorite among the experts. You are once again placing the blame elsewhere, as with the first method, and you’re adding some classic comedy for the customer. Customers love farts, we all know that.

Vacuum with the lights off while maintaining eye contact: You’ll spot this method among the more seasoned vets. It’s well documented that the thing that makes customers feel the most unwelcome is the sound of a running vacuum. It indicates that not only are you busy, but you’re drowning out the sounds of anything else. Customers are visual creatures, so that’s where turning the lights off comes into play.



Pretend to be a mannequin: When all else fails, just go motionless. Bonus points for wearing GAP clothing.

Stage your own murder and have your fake hitman point to the closed sign: This one may seem overly elaborate, but in my experience, sometimes it is absolutely necessary. If they haven’t already run for the hills when they think they see you croak, they’ll certainly get the point when a masked man points to the closed sign with his gun.