Storm is a broken dog. Everything he believed true is now wrong and he is a dog who has no purpose. It’s not his fault this occurred, it’s my fault but in my defence it was an accident.

It started in our backyard as all stories relating to Storm normally do and it involves him destroying our lawn. Ever since we’ve had him living with us he had had a fascination with digging holes in the grass and leaving a barren wasteland it his wake. He’s very proud of his achievements and doesn’t understand our reaction when we walk into the backyard with the same look someone has when they walk into a minefield of small tripping hazards set up by your enemy in an attempt at breaking your ankle. Storm is a Golden Retriever and therefore lacks the ability to purposefully cause harm to others, it’s just an inconvenient side effect.

I’m aware this is a behavioural issue and we’ve made serious attempts at rectifying it, but every week a new hole appears in the backyard not long before Storm comes back inside with dirty feet as he denies all responsibility.

I knew he was proud of himself and I figured I’d let him have a small victory every now and then. We hadn’t sprained any ankles, the lawn was slowly recovering despite the cold weather and Storm seemed proud of what he’d done.

This was working out until recently when we were out for a walk one afternoon. They were building new houses nearby and some workers were digging the foundations for the concrete slab. Any normal person walking past this would see something positive. The block of land had sat vacant for many years as new houses around it were built and it was beginning to look messy and unkempt. Now they had just finished the road and the houses were beginning to be built.

Storm didn’t see progress or anything positive. He saw something that horrified him. Ever since he was younger he assumed he was the one true God when it came to digging holes, he was good at it and he’d done the important research in our backyard using suitable techniques he’d discovered through trial and error. Now all this work was done for nothing.

What Storm saw was a Mini-Excavator which was busily working on the house foundation, and he didn’t like it. It could move dirt at a much larger rate than he could ever attempt. He doesn’t understand how such a machine could be legal? Everybody knows he is the only one who gets to move dirt and dig holes so why is this stupid orange machine doing it instead.

He later told me his next thought was how he could distract the man operating the excavator, steal the machine and drive it home. The holes he could dig in the backyard would impress everybody, dogs would travel for far distances to see what he had done and he would go down in folklore as the most awesome dog every in existence.

Of course none of this happened, I had a quick chat to the people on the working site then moved on, but at least I now know what Storm inspires to be.

Egotistic moron.