DAVENPORT, IA—Expounding upon the many ways in which they’ve positively impacted the country at large, a tanned and impeccably coiffed Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) reportedly informed supporters gathered at a campaign stop Thursday that corporations actually have a tremendous amount to offer the American people. “Businesses both large and small play a vital role in our society, creating good jobs and pumping billions back into the economy, and corporations are just the largest and most successful of these businesses—and certainly we shouldn’t punish success,” said the presidential hopeful, adjusting the alligator-skin band on his diamond-encrusted Bulgari watch as he elaborated on the ways in which publicly held companies in the financial, telecommunications, and oil and gas sectors have spurred growth and development in communities across the country. “And when you think about it, these companies aren’t just some faceless entities—they’re our neighbors, our family members, and our friends, all working together to make America the truly great nation it is.” At press time, Sanders could be seen smiling and waving from the stairs leading up to a brand-new Gulfstream personal jet before heading off to a private fundraiser at Sheldon Adelson’s estate.

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