Today's Lineups:

Home Team

Bernard Westmayne (DynamiteShovel)

Ripper the Wolf (Ripper the Wolf)

Balasar Shieldbiter (Daiko)

Rook Wedlock (Crimsai)

Unavailable

Kilgan Fireheart V (Vilhjalmir) - Still the Gulag

Thoran Stonecrusher (HarryGoLucky) - Possibly dead in the Gulag

Goblin Scourge the Rabbit (Goblin Scourge the Rabbit) - DEAD!!!!

Shadious Beavertown (ShadyBeaver) - Dead Gulag.

Xeaon Ravenwood (Xeaon) - Fire Gulag.

Away Team

Dungeon Master (jptoc)

Salamanders (jptoc)

Where we left off:

The Party found a Giant Salamander (Dragon) and ran away... It wasn't great.

1 - The Party go back and speak to the Druid who takes them to task about the Salamander/Dragon.

8 - Ridoff the Druid discusses his path of the natural balance and his relation with the Dragon. He's supposedly a bit of dick. Balasar agrees heartily, still trying to piece together what remains of his chest.

10 - Bernard doesn't understand what a Druid does. He just keeps guessing as to how Ridoff fought the dragon.

11 - Rook doesn't like the hippies.

12 - Ridoff wanted Balasar to negotiate a deal with Venomfang that would see him leave the tower. Balasar questions which part of his assortment of weapons would even begin to signal that he's one for negotiations.

13 - Rook suggests targetting the Cultists to undermine Venomfang's position. Ridoff isn't sure about the Cultists at all. He just kills them, which is a bit fucking annoying.

15 - Cultists aren't people.

16 - The Party want Ridoff to come with them to deal with the Cultists, but he doesn't want to take them to the Castle afterwards if he does so. They're not fucking having this. He agrees to a temporary alliance, which everyone falls in line with.

19 - Xeaon leaves and goes back into Phandalin, shouting about Poison Dragons being pointless.

20 - After a nice sleep, Ridoff comes back to the hut in Squirrel form. He spits nuts into a pot and cooks up some porridge.

21 - Time to head off to fight the cultists.

22 - Bernard scouts a building nearby and discovers that he's looking at an old blacksmiths workshop. Bernard creaks the door open and discovers two piles of ash on the floor, which indicates potential Ash Zombies.

25 - The Party agree that there's no point going in as any weapons inside would be 100 years old.

27 - They approach another building, in which they spot an old loom which is in shit condition. There's also some overgrown flora in the room.

29 - Rook scouts around closely followed by Bernard, which is fortunate as Rook can't see shit. Bernard spots something glint inside the thicket and hears some movement in the bushes. To the left of the house there's a town square which has a statue of a warrior in the middle. The Hero of Neverwinter Woods.

32 - Across the square there's some barracks. The party predict that the Cultists are in there.

35 - Bernard disappears into the corner with Ripper. Rook stands behind a pole. Droop exists. Balasar looks to have become a stone statue. They begin to watch over the barracks.

37 - Venomfang's rumbling, and the not-Bowtruckles are moving. Nothing much is happening in the barracks.

38 - The Party can't see shit.

39 - The Druid sneaked a glance at the Dragon. He's a big one.

40 - Bernard sends Droop out into the middle of the square as bait and casts minor illusion on him, placing white flags beside him. We're dead. Why did we let Bernard do anything?

41 - "I love Dragons, I want to be a cultist" Droop is ignored. Now he's knocking on the door. WHY ARE WE NOT STOPPING HIM?

42 - The door opens and an ash zombie walks out. FOR FUCK SAKE, BERNARD!

44 - Ridoff sighs and steps out. He's regretting his life choices now. Welcome to the party, mate. His spell doesn't have any immediate effect, but once the Ash Zombie walks out, the ground burst up 20 feet, taking Droop and the Zombie with it. Zombie dies. Droop fortunately survives.

47 - The Party aren't happy with Ridoff. He doesn't care.

49 - Westmayne readies his crossbow. He fires and catches another of the Zombies in the chest.

50 - Droop tries to grapple Bernard and drag him back out of danger. Bernard tries to fight back, but fails and Droop does good. Droop > Bernard.

51 - Balasar fucks up and the ash clogs his vision. He doesn't care though and brings his Greataxe down upon it, drawing blood...ash?

54 - Rook fires her crossbow at the Zombies, but almost hits Balasar instead. Fortunately the Dragonborn ducks having sensed what was coming and he avoids getting pierced.

56 - Ridoff's spell adjusts and rips up the ground with vines, brambles and shit like that shooting out, making the ground awful to walk on.

57 - Bernard fires his crossbow, but misses due to the rising terrain.

58 - Droop draws his shortbow and smashes an arrow directly into the body of one of the zombies.

59 - Balasar offers to throw Ripper over the terrain so that he can attack the zombies, but Bernard isn't for this idea.

60 - The Zombies dive into the vines and begin to tear themselves apart.

61 - Unfazed by the ash in his face, Balasar brings his greataxe down upon the Zombie, finally ending its wretched life.

62 - Rook fires her crossbow once again, but she's hopeless and misses wildly again. Balasar breathes a sigh of relief as it misses him once more.

64 - Ridoff moves in and creates a whip out of thin air, which he whips at a nearby zombie, drawing him deeper into the roots, pulling it to its death.

68 - Bernard leans in to Balasar and begins shit talking Ridoff for showing off. He then fires his crossbow at one right in front of him and misses poorly.

69 - Droop crashes another arrow into the chest of the Ash Zombie, dealing damage. The Zombies charge forward and one of the drops only to rebuild itself from the fallen ash.

70 - Balasar allows the Zombie to move forward, instead focusing his greataxe blows on a vine that is a metre or so to the left of said Zombie.

71 - Rook isn't enjoying this zombie pish. Death is sacred, Sacred Flame time! It's like having a Xeaon that doesn't hit things as the Zombie backflips over the flame and avoids it.

73 - Ridoff steps up and throws another thorn whip, but it's avoided.

74 - Bernard draws his dagger and dives in with a fancy spin of the blade and drives it into the skull of the Zombie which drops to the ground. It rights itself again and makes Westmayne look like a bit of a twat.

77 - Ripper dives in, dropping the Zombie once again, but it rises again. IT'S DROOP TIME THOUGH!

77 - Droop fails.

78 - The Zombie tries to smash into Bernard, but barely even glances him.

79 - Balasar walks around Bernard and smashes the Zombie with his greataxe, despite the monstrous blow, the Zombie's spine tanks the hit. Fucking hate Zombies.

81 - Rook casts Sacred Flame once again, hitting the Zombie that has every weapon possible in it. IT FUCKING TANKS THIS TOO, THIS ZOMBIE IS RASPUTIN!

85 - Ridoff sends the fire downward and burns the vines. The non-Rasputin zombie dies. The bane of our existence still fucking stands strong though.

87 - Bernard draws the Sword of Talon and stabs it into the chest of the Zombie which eventually fucking stays dead.

89 - Ridoff and Bernard aren't getting on. It's going to end in blood. Hopefully.

90 - The Party move into the Barracks which seemed to once have been a keep. Nothing much in here. Shit's empty, yo.

91 - Bernard looks around. Turns out it's not completely empty. There are notebooks. The first one crumbles into dust. The second is a logbook, which has details about the soldier's last stand.

93 - Bernard heads up to the battlements and looks out on the town. His elf eyes spot Venomfang's tower, Rook's spiderbarn, twiggy building and some movement just down to the south. There's a hidden path.

99 - Time to take the path. Bernard & Ripper are taking the lead, with both best equipped to deal with any potential traps in their way. Bernard casts Speak to Animals and tells Ripper to follow his orders to the letter.

101 - Ripper can only smell Zombies and can't hear shit either. Nothing major has happened yet though. There's multiple paths leading off though and take the broken building path.

104 - Ripper smells something that indicates movement in the passage. Seems like there has been humans and something different. Ripper says if he eats the different thing, he'd get sick.

106 - The Party escape the path and from the broken down house they left, they see a farmhouse with its doors and windows shut and barred.

107 - Rook is still trying to figure out the point of the flags from the last plan as Bernard prepares to send Droop in again.

110 - Rook has a better plan. She has a item that creates a 10 foot deep hole. We're covering it with some illusioned ground. If Team Rocket have taught me anything, this plan will fail miserably.

112 - Ridoff offers to sit as lookout while the rest hide in the house.

115 - An hour and a half passes and nothing happens. Ridoff gives an update and gets told to fuck off back and watch.

116 - WE DID IT! WE CAUGHT ONE!

118 - Rook runs in and grabs her hole item, taking the Cultist with it, and the Party follow. There's now a bunch of Cultists available. Scott, Lady Penelope, Brains, Virgil. They have Dragon masks.

120 - They knew we were here this whole time... Fuck sake.

121 - Rook casts Bane on Scott, Virgil and Lady Penelope the Cultists. Each one fails the saving throw and now they're weak.

125 - Balasar charges forward, and slams his greataxe down on Brains' skull, cleaving his head in two, cutting through bone, brain and racist dragon mask. Brains got brained.

126 - Ripper dives in on Scott, but misses his attack. Bernard turns on Virgil and casts Dissonant Whispers, whispering a melody in his skull which causes him immense pain. He collapses ded. Bernard's songs are really bad...

130 - Ridoff casts mold earth and moves the ground in front of the farmhouse door, blocking it from opening.

131 - The Cultist are confused as they watched a Dragon kill Brains and also saw one of their mates go nuts and have a meltdown. They're terrified of Balasar. REAL DRAGON, REAL FEAR! FUCK YOU, VENOMFANG!

133 - Scott swings several feet above Ripper's head and stings his own arm in his fear. He almost kills himself, and due to poisoning his own weapon, he's fucked. What a twat.

135 - No mercy. Root swings her Mace at the almost fallen Cultist, but misses. It's like Xeaon and Bernard had a child and it was every bit as hopeless as the two.

136 - NO MERCY! Droop walks into the house.

137 - Balasar walks around the corner of the house and stares down Scott, who whimpers in fear at the sight of the REAL LIFE DRAGON!!

138 - Bernard offers Scott a chance to join the group and begin to worship Balasar. Bernard has been getting a bad rap so far. He's not all that bad.

140 - Ridoff offers to heal Scott, and he also provides the party with anti-poison shit. There's a banging on the door, and Scott tells them about another friend inside.

141 - Scott removes his mask. And he apparantely looks like Seth Rogen. This is going to be a good addition.

142 - Balasar shoves the dirt aside and faces off with John, who dives out at him. He does no damage. Balasar stares down at him, sparks flickering in his mouth, great-axe rising. John shits himself.

145 - John rips off his mask as Balasar utters disgust at the following of a false idol. THE RELIGION OF BALASAR HAS A NEW FOLLOWER! JOHN & SCOTT, YOU HAVE REACHED ENLIGHTENMENT!

148 - Rook throws her cloth down and Geoff the Cultist is lying down at the bottom of the pit. We're keeping him around. Gonna get added to the religion. PRAISE BE TO BALASAR!

151 - Rook asks John if there's any more Cultists nearby. Turns out there's more on the road, but none nearby. This was just a group of mates looking to get up to some shenanigans.

152 - The Party search the house, finding three diamonds, and around Virgil's neck there is a Potion of Flying. They agree that Ripper will be getting to use this. Flying wolf will happen and it'll be glorious.

155 - Balasar feels like his new followers may come with the party.

156 - Brains and Virgil were totally the duo that captured Rook. Not John and Scott. They were all attacked by spiders and left Rook to them.

158 - Bernard tells Scott that he can learn from him, and Scott's confused as shit. Bit scared too. He's hopeless.

159 - Rook tells John and Scott to get Geoff out of the pit. The Party settle in to rest in the First Church of Balasar.

161 - Droop shit talks the captives, so Bernard takes the morningstar from him and hands it to Scott. Droop's sad now. Balasar hands him a hand-axe, having taken pity.

162 - Rook feels bad for Droop. Bernard's a dick.

167 - The Party begin to take up watch for the night. The Followers take the same watch.

169 - Geoff begins talking about his time in the pit. Once it closed he saw literally everything that had ever been held in it. He then traveled through oceans, land and flames before he was dragged out.

171 - Scott questions Balasar, asking how he can be sure that Balasar is strong. Balasar discusses his lightning abilities, which leaves Scott rocking in devotion.

176 - John tries to convince Rook that he was innocent in all of this. She's not fucking having it. She offers him a chance to ask for forgiveness, but she's onto him.

177 - She takes him outside, and performs funeral rites on the Cultists. She cuts their chests open, removes their chest cavities, offers a prayer then leaves them to the animals.

179 - It's a new dawn.

184 - The Party are bouncing back and forth on the idea of facing off against Venomfang. Ridoff is trying to force them to get rid of him, but they understand that they're outmatched.

187 - The Party consider giving the Dragon the jewels that they had collected.

192 - The Party agree to placate the dragon, but turn down John's plan of sending in one of the Balasarians. Ridoff, Ripper and Droop stick behind and watch the Balasarians.

194 - Everyone clumps in and offers Venomfang a pouch containing 500 worth of Gems, Jewels and Gold.

198 - Bernard tells Venomfang that shit has gone wrong. The Dragon drops down by Bernard, who quickly tells him that they've brought the gold.

210 - They try to convince the Dragon that they will play along with his plan should he leave. He agrees that they will take the Druid to Neverwinter in a few weeks time, but he refuses to leave.

212 - Bernard tries to convince the Dragon to relocate to Phandalin. A town fucking filled with people.

213 - Balasar is completely against this idea, but it's too fucking late as Venomfang is on board. Now Bernard is asking for help... Bit fucking late, mate.

219 - Bernard's now convincing Venomfang that Phandalin is due north. Venomfang knows about the North. Of course he fucking does. Bernard Westmayne, ruiner of the planet. Remember the fucking name.

222 - Venomfang explodes into the air and flies north just as the captives watch.

224 - Balasar tries to steal the Potion of Flying, but fails. He just says he's consoling Bernard who buys it.

225 - Ridoff is grateful as the Party have freed him of Venomfang's presence. He walks up with the Balasarians who he has wrapped up. Bernard tries to convince the Druid to take them to Cragmore Castle now, but he's not having it. Ridoff wants to rebuild the town.

227 - Bernard is shit talking him saying that it won't be possible to rebuild the town. Ridoff turns his staff on the buildings nearby and it rebuilds itself.

229 - Bernard searches Venomfang's tower, looking for any loot. He finds 550 gold, a scroll of misty step, and a scroll of lightning bolt.

233 - The Party has expanded and the three Balasarians have joined in. It's time to head back to Phandalin. We definitely just saved it from a Dragon. Probably don't need to tell them about the rest.