Come on, you know you need help

Redpointer’s Anonymous (RA) is a loose support network of men and women formed to educate likeminded individuals who have – dare we say it – lost themselves to the art of redpointing. Our goal is to share our experiences of working routes so that together they may be used to solve common problems associated with the redpointing affliction.

To identify common symptoms that may help to understand the condition, simply ask yourself the following:

1. Have you ever decided to stop redpointing for a week or so, but only lasted a couple of days? We know how you feel. Most in RA have made similar promises to ourselves and our families, only to break them. This is the reason we founded Redpointer’s Anonymous. Our advice? We know it’s a sick thought, but have you ever tried onsighting?

2. Have you ever switched from one route to another in the hope this would keep you from getting locked into the same beta? We at Redpointer’s Anonymous have tried neighbouring routes. We’ve tried neighbouring crags. We’ve even tried Frog Buttress. You name it, we’ve tried it, but if we tried anything whereby we fell off and had to work the sequence, we usually ended up redpointing it.

3. Have you ever wished people would mind their own business about your redpointing? Stop urging you to try ground-up ascents? At RA we do not tell members what to do, instead we talk about our redpointing problems, the amount of time we’ve put into working routes and how we eventually came to terms with being single-minded boring gits. Some of us tried to stop by getting on trad routes; until we fell off them as well and hopped back on again, at which time it was pointed out we were actually still redpointing, but calling it ‘headpointing’, a name coined by some dodgy Irishman back in the early ‘90s. Same symptoms, different dialect.

We at RA treat all sorts of cases, including the most severe. For instance, have you ever had to go out on your own to the cliff with no belayer armed only with a rope and a Gri Gri? This is certain evidence that you are not working a route ‘socially’. It’s also a pretty definite sign that you’re not working anything socially, apart from maybe 8a.nu.

Do you ever envy people who find it hard to work a route for more than a couple of tries without becoming bored? At one time or another, most of us at RA have wondered why we are not like these people who can be content falling off 22s for the rest of their lives.

Have you had problems connected with redpointing during the past year? Be honest. Specialists say if you have a problem with redpointing and keep on redpointing, they will get worse. Eventually, you will become locked into sequences, memorising every foot smear and thumb sprag. You will begin to hand-draw beta maps on scraps of paper. You will visit a friend’s house for dinner and during a discussion on European refrigerators begin crimping the kitchen bench top. Romantic interludes with your partner will include some discussion about the physiology of performing an ‘Egyptian’, though not at a venue they had in mind. If this sounds like you, then contact RA immediately.

Have you missed work or school because of redpointing and spent the day hanging from a bolt entranced by the sheer beauty of the eight-move sequence beyond it? Many start because working a route makes life seem better. There is a feeling of progress, but soon they are living from project to project with 20 tries becomes 30, 30 becomes 40. They lose friends – or people who had been friends prior to becoming full-time belayers.

Redpointing is an illness. It can hit anyone: young or old, rich or poor, black or white. Redpointers aren’t just those guys climbing in Nowra every winter. Young successful Victorians can ruin their lives with redpointing, too. Even Queenslanders. It doesn’t matter where you redpoint, how long you’ve been redpointing, or even how much. It’s what redpointing does to you that counts.

RA is also equipped to give support to the family and friends of redpointers If you know someone who continually leaves the house to redpoint, get in contact, we can help.

For a start, complete our RA checklist (below) to find out if you or someone you know has the symptoms of a chronic redpointer. It also includes steps you can take to cure the more common problems associated redpointing.

Finally, we can also give you a rough estimate on how long it will take to turn a redpointer into a wholesome human being again. One who can be spontaneous and try new things. One who can go to the movies without pantomiming a sequence in the dark. One who can think about something else on a Sunday evening other than the 43 moves of their latest project.

Steve Kelly