When I got bitten by the iguana it felt like a mouse trap snapped on my balls. I’m lucky it let go because I can’t imagine the pain of it thrashing around while I’m hanging onto them.

With the bite alone, they were sore for a few days. You cans till faintly see little red holes in the shape of its mouth on my scrotum.

I told the Telemundo reporter he could see my balls, but he didn’t want to. He said that my balls made the story too obscene and that they were more interested in the plumbing issue. They had the whole water company out here.

There’s a certain zen quality to sitting on a toilet. You’re alone, it’s quiet. It’s a change to get lost in your own thoughts. That’s all been lost to me forever. For the rest of my life I’ll be staring at the drain hole through my legs while I’m sitting on the toilet.