NEW YORK—Appearing to have undergone a complete transformation in both appearance and temperament, a physically fit and emotionally stable Kim Jong-Un calmly addressed the United Nations on Thursday after finally getting his nuclear ambitions out of his system. “Now that the nuclear stuff is over with, we we can finally get down to finding common ground on some pressing issues,” said the strikingly trim North Korean dictator, explaining to the UN General Assembly that when he gets really deep into a project like stockpiling weapons-grade plutonium and test-launching intercontinental ballistic missiles, he becomes “pretty much obsessed” and has to see it through to the end. “I know it was frustrating for the international community, but when I’m passionate about something, I just let it absorb my attention completely. In any case, I’m excited to move on and strengthen relations with former adversaries, promote economic development worldwide, and advance the cause of human rights, starting, first and foremost, with North Korea.” At press time, sources reported that Kim was now fixated on destroying large American cities with nuclear weapons but would be back to his normal self as soon as World War III was over with.

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