I Am a Republican Politician and I Guess It’s Come to the Point Where I Have to Defend Pedophilia

Well, I guess this was bound to happen at some point. I was always willing to sacrifice my morals if it meant helping elect candidates who support tax cuts for extremely rich white guys with big mustaches. I never cared if those candidates were blatant racists, unqualified maniacs, or the kinds of people who beat up reporters on the eve of their election day. It was only a matter of time before I would have to ignore a candidate’s verifiable history of pedophilia so that a few people in seersucker could buy more yachts.

Ah, jeeze. Well, here we are. Deep breaths. It’s time for me to defend a pedophile. As long as this accused pedophile pledges his fealty to the Republican Party, I’m perfectly happy to nitpick and try to find loopholes in the legal definition of “pedophilia.” Whatever it takes to push through a candidate who will vote for the Murder All Poor People bill I plan to co-sponsor in the spring. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I hate the coward who stares back.

I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t perfectly ready for this moment. I mean, as a member of the Republican establishment for the past few years, I’ve done nothing but repeatedly smash my moral compass into pieces in order to make sure the rich get richer. I’ve supported serial harassers, bigots, colluders, and straight-up fascists. Hell, I’d support a convicted murderer if that murderer promised to vote along the party line. So, why not add a pedophile to the pile? Who cares? My soul hasn’t been for sale in quite some time.

I claim to be a good Christian. I go to church every Sunday and have over four bibles in my house. However, I’m perfectly willing to forget Jesus and all the things he preached as long as it means my oil tycoon friends can continue to hide their illegal incomes in the Cayman Islands. If it means supporting a candidate who openly hates immigrants and courts the votes of skinheads, so be it. Similarly, if I have to publicly support a candidate who’s a pedophile, then okay. Fine. Let’s do it. I’m completely dead inside.

If you asked me thirty years ago what I thought I’d be doing at this point in my life, defending a pedophile would not have been my answer. Look, I’m obviously not saying I support what this pedophile did. He stands for everything I hate. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s the only candidate in his election who will kiss the ring and vote for inner city schools to be shuttered and converted into parking garages for the Koch brothers’ fleet of cars. As such, I’m going to support this candidate, pedophilia and all.