OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce petroleum waste, A&W Canada will phase out plastic straws by 2019, replacing them with grain-fed beef tubes.

“A&W has long been an innovator in drink technology,” explained A&W CEO Megan Witley. “For example, we refuse to water down our iconic root beer with ice cubes, instead serving it in frosted mugs. And if you get your drink to go? Tough shit for you, warm root beer. Now we are applying that fearless progressive attitude to straws.”

Witley pointed out that as landfills become increasingly choked with petroleum-based products, “It’s impossible to enjoy a flavourful teen burger, mama burger, or any of our confusingly-named burgers when you know that the price of your straw is a dead turtle in the ocean.”

Witley is confident that beef tubes will not only save the planet, but save dinner. “There’s nothing better for your tummy than the organic, homemade goodness of an A&W burger,” said Witley. “And nothing better for your mouth than sweetness and gelatinous fat in a delicious union.”

The A&W research division experimented with many plastic alternatives. “We tried licorice with the ends bitten off, recycled toilet paper rolls which we called a ‘super suck,’ and literal straw, like cows eat,” said chief serviette engineer Daniel Stubbs. “Then we thought, ‘Hold the phone, that cow could BE a straw.’”

Beef tubes will be offered in a variety of consistencies, from well-done to rare. Customers also have the option of the “Awe Straw,” which is wrapped in a layer of fatty back bacon and rolled in lard.

A&W customer Erin Mackay-Hagey was impressed with the initiative, pointing out that she could barely taste the metallic tinge of bovine flesh while sipping her root beer. “As I was racing to finish my drink before it disintegrated into base components of gristle and sinew, I couldn’t help but congratulate myself for saving the world.”

A&W expects in 2019 to reduce petroleum use by 7% and triple beef production, proactively clearing thousands of acres of rainforest land to make way for more cows.