Much of the advice you think is helpful, actually has the opposite effect. It makes the situation worse and causes people to feel angry or misunderstood. The following are some examples of the advice you received that doesn’t help:

1) “You don’t want to change, you like being in pain.”

Helpers say this when they feel inadequate to fix the problem. This tactic is called blame the victim. The truth is that no one likes to be in pain. People use their painful suffering to achieve something that they feel they cannot achieve in a healthier way. They may enjoy the payoffs of their manipulative antagonism, but they do not enjoy their suffering. It is always important to make distinction between a means to an end and end in itself.

2) “What is the use of getting angry? It doesn’t do any good.”

This is like asking, “What is the use of getting chicken pox?” It is the wrong question and you cannot begin to get the right answers until you start asking the right questions. People get angry whether it does any good or not. A better question is, “How can you manage your anger properly so you can get the relief you need and not cause yourself any more pain?”

3) “No one can make you angry, unless you let them.”

This is another example of blaming the victim. Not only is the person who hears this remark angry, but this remark implies it is their fault. Adults are not immune or made of stone. You can respect yourself in spite of how others behave. On this basis, you are able to feel more successful and reduce your emotional hurt.

4) “Be a nice person or no one will like you.”

The message here is to value niceness above all else. Ideally, you are nice to everyone all the time. However, reality is not always nice. When someone says this, they are really setting others up to pretend to be “nice”, while encouraging them to internalize their anger until they blow a gasket. For example, you may need to express legitimate anger at someone who has threatened you. For “nice” guys that creates a conflict that they do not know how to resolve. Adherence to this advice results suppressing anger and exploding in an exaggerated way later on.

5) “What will everybody else think?”

This is what you are told say when your spouse or children begin to yell. Those who accept this, place being judged by some anonymous passers-by ahead of your loved one’s distress. Their priorities are backwards. Your loved one’s opinions are more significant than the general public. This advice sets you up for a lifetime of living up to everyone else’s standards, not your own.

6) “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

This single minded absurd cliché is often held by overachievers and perfectionists. This belief puts the world in terms of black and white, win or lose, which leaves you feeling insecure. The idea is that life is only pleasant so long as you are on top. From this perspective, every little setback is equal to a loss of self-esteem, which is painful. In turn, you have to try even harder, to prevent the pain of losing.

7) “You can solve any problem if you just put your mind to it.”

This is consistent with the male ideals of independence and pragmatism. However, all problems cannot be solved rationally. Some problems of the heart do not show up on an EKG. They cannot be solved with lessons from the classroom.

8) “You have no right to be upset.”

Anger is not a matter of “right” like the Bill of Rights. That is absurd. Anger is an emotional response to something threatening, whether real if imagined. The anger may or may not make logical sense, but your right to feel angry is not an issue. Everyone has anger. This is another example of using facts to solve feelings. Facts are logical, rational and concrete. Emotions are impulsive, abstract and illogical. Emotional problems need to be solved emotionally.

Couple discussing photo available from Shutterstock