A game is a event where participants attempt to abide by pre-established rules and meet an objective. The reason is for their own amusement. Games are for fun and so if one is having fun playing a game it’s doing it’s job right? Nothing else should matter right? Not if this guy’s printed on the front!

STEP 1 – “It just doesn’t feel like the good ol’ days.”

Always be sure start off with the Sonic series’s decline in quality. For example, “It just doesn’t feel like the good ol’ days.” But don’t elaborate on what you mean by this exactly. Just say it because it’s what everyone else says and you also want to look cool.

STEP 2 – Always reference Mario. Always.

Make Super Mario references whenever possible. There must at least be two Mario references to make a good Sonic review. Be sure to credit anything positive in the game as something borrowed from the Mario franchise and ignore the fact that may not actually be the case.

However, don’t make it obvious! Go for a crude approach like writing “a certain Italian plumber” instead of saying Mario so only true gamers would understand such an obscure reference which will in turn boost your rep as a games reviewer.

You see all Sonic games try to emulate Mario titles. I mean, you would think that the two would share similarities because they are both platformers but NO, these similarities only come because Sonic wants to be Mario and don’t be afraid to point that out.

STEP 3 – Curse the games “cheap” level design.

If I as a player fail reach a platform and then I fall as a result how is that my fault? Gravity can be so mean. Sonic games have a knack for doing this. Don’t be shy to slam the games for this. The word you’re looking for “cheap”. Not “difficult” or “challenging” but cheap. Only the word “cheap” must be used because these games are always plagued with “cheap deaths” aren’t they not. Bottomless pits in a platformer? What’s that about?

It gets worse as you progress through the games as well. How dare they make the make the levels harder as you progress through a game! They shouldn’t do that! If someone dies in a Sonic game, ensure the reader that it is not his fault but it is always the game’s for its cheap level design.

STEP 4 – Always bitch about the Story and Voice Acting.

Always remember to bitch about the storylines and especially the voice acting because it actually impacts just how good the game is. Well it does if its a Sonic game. Make sure these flaws are reflected on the final score. You should complain that a franchise about a cartoon blue hedgehog’s dialogue is too much like a “Saturday Morning Cartoon” where as you were actually expecting storylines and acting to be as eloquent as the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

While it’s okay for Mario games to have a minimalist plot and it was perfectly acceptable that Mario Galaxy had players sitting through a cut scene about the birth of planets and stars but this is absolutely unacceptable for a Sonic game.

STEP 5- “I don’t want to slow down. I just wanna to go fast!”

Is this so hard to understand!? I play Sonic games because I want to go fast and I don’t have a Ferrari outside my house. What is the need for all this platforming nonsense? I want to turn on my game and watch make Sonic goo fast! I want that adrenaline rush! I want SPEED!!!11

To do justice true Sonic games, when reviewing a Sonic game we must take a point off the final score every time who are forced to slow down or even stop. Levels that force you to slow down have bad level design. If Sonic is not moving at any given time then it’s a problem. Even if it’s the Menu Screen.

Sonic must be all about holding a directional button and watching him run in that direction. I’m not even too sure about that jump button. Why should the player be forced to solve puzzles, jump on enemies when they could be running? They need to make Sonic like the old games where I clearly remember completing the games by holding the right button, running really fast and doing nothing else.

STEP 6 – Blame the controls

Because the controls are so bad and unresponsive you just can’t help but run into things. Always blame the controls regardless of the skill of the gamer. Even if your a novice and you die; don’t try getting better at the game like you would other any other game like ever…. in the world…. because there’s no need for that in Sonic games.

Just blame the games poor control or the cheap level design. As you can see here, the reviewer died not because of lack of skill and not because of ulterior motives. It was because the jump button wasn’t responsive enough.

I mean we want all Sonic games to be nothing more than a on-rails speed fest but doesn’t that mean that we need to have quick reflexes to avoid incoming obstacles and hazards when moving at such ferocious speeds…. That almost sounds logical.

STEP 7 – “What’s all these new features? I just wanna go fast!”

“Why is Sonic in a car when he can run?” “Why is Sonic on a hoverboard when he can run?” “Why does Sonic even breathe when he can run?” Dismiss any new feature before trying it out. That’s the smart way to do it. It is okay for other platformers and adventure games to try new things; it’s NOT okay for Sonic. Sonic is about running from one end to the other and that’s that.

STEP 8 – Always lower the score by 2.

If you think a Sonic game deserves a 8 give it a 6. If a Sonic games deserves a 7; give it a 5. If you think a Sonic game so deserves 5 give it a 3! You get the idea. It’seems what the professionals do! I hope I have been some help. Now you know the Sonic franchise is a special series that simply can not be reviewed like other games. There are different rules to follow but we these guidelines and you’ll be just fine! Have a nice day!