I do a deep dive into a study of penis sizes around the world and draw all sorts of conclusions. With sexy results.

I was recently reading my copy of the Personality and Individual Differences medical journal while eating a scone at a bistro and I happened upon an intellectually stimulating and highly clinical report on the comparative sizes of male genitalia around the world.

Either that or I clicked a link to the disreputable phone hacking Daily Mail because I saw a headline that said “We knew it all along: British men have bigger penises than the French” and I wanted to know more.

A fairly controversial psychology professor out of Northern Ireland published a report where he analyzed penis sizes in 116 countries — based on other people’s studies and reported data, he wasn’t walking around Senegal with a tape measurer and an incredibly convincing shpiel — and drew some conclusions. Some of what’s in the report is thought-provoking, some is borderline racist and some you just lightly skim so you can study the chart of penis size data.

Here are 11 random findings from the study. Prepare to be more informed than you’ve ever been about the international state of penises (which is similar to an International House of Pancakes, just with more foreskins and fewer chicken fried meats).

1 | The 11 countries with the largest average penis size

Since it’s definitely the point that inspires the most curiosity I figured I’d lead with it. The 11 countries with the most endowed men are: The Congo (average of 7.06 inches erect)… Ecuador (7.0)… “Evil” Congo (6.82)… Ghana (6.81)… Colombia (6.7)… Venezuela (6.7)… Lebanon (6.62)… Cameroon (6.56)… Iceland (6.5)… Sudan (6.48)… and Jamaica (6.42).

Yes, sub-Saharan Africa and northern South America are very well represented. And Iceland gets the “How the hell did they sneak in there?” award.

2 | The 11 countries with the smallest average penis size

And now, the other side. The 11 countries smallest in the pants are: North Korea (average 3.8 inches erect)… South Korea (3.8)… Cambodia (3.95)… Thailand (4.0)… India (4.03)… Taiwan (4.24)… Philippines (4.27)… Sri Lanka (4.29)… China (4.29)… Japan (4.3)… and Hong Kong (4.41).

Technically North Korea and South Korea tied at 3.8 but I gave last place to North Korea because, ya know, American media devil. Also, I assume North Korea’s study was heavily skewed because the average man had, like, a 3.5-inch penis then Kim Jong-Il brought the average up by reporting that his was 14,917 inches long.

3 | A poor U.S. showing

This was not a good showing for the U.S., which came in 96th out of 116 countries with an average of 5.08 inches. That beat out Ireland, Romania and basically all of Asia — but lost to everyone from Canada (5.48) to France (5.33) to Iraq and Iran (both 5.73). On the plus side, at least I’m making all of them read this in good all-American inches instead of the centimeters of their beloved, logical metric system. We get 40 rods to a furlong and 5.08 inches to a penis and that’s how we like it.

4 | Which country is largest that’s measured by a doctor?

The list was put together from several studies and unfortunately, in some cases, relied on men’s self-reported size. Later in this we’ll get into the difference in men’s self-reported size versus actual size, but it’s significant.

Anyway, I’d like to assume all of the studies that used self-reported data figured out some kind of coefficient to truthify the data, but I have no idea what kind of dog-and-pony penis measuring show they’re running in Cuba or Burkina Faso.

So here are the 11 largest countries where men actually got measured: Ecuador (7)… Colombia (6.7)… Venezuela (6.7)… Cameroon (6.56)… Brazil (6.34)… Haiti (6.3)… Senegal (6.26)… Gambia (6.25)… the Netherlands (6.25)… Egypt (6.18)… and Zimbabwe (6.17).

5 | Which country’s men self-reported the smallest penises?

My favorite thing I found digging through this report? The bottom 26 countries were all officially measured and not self-reported lengths. (Which helps to cast some doubt on the integrity of self-measured data.) And that 26 includes the U.S.

So which countries self-reported the smallest penises? It’s a tie at 5.33 inches between Ethiopia and France. Good for them.

6 | A previous study found men exaggerate by anywhere from one to 1.7 inches

The danger of self-reporting is, of course, that everyone’s going to lie. Even if you’re a math person who drools over a good data set you’re going to lie when someone asks.

This new report includes a 2010 study from New York that had men self-report, then actually measured them and compared.

Here’s what they found: Black men reported 7.9 inches and measured 6.9 (difference of -1.0 inches)… Hispanic men reported 7.7 and measured at 6.5 (-1.2)… Asian men reported 6.7 and measured 5.3 (-1.4)… and white men lied the most, reporting 7.8 and measuring at 6.1 (-1.7).

7 | Broad, general averages by race

There’s a heavy focus in the report on the different penis sizes based on the racial makeup of the countries. The author even breaks down a very rough general look at penis sizes by race.

To make all this simpler, he concludes Asians are 4 to 5.5 inches and 1.25 in diameter… whites are 5.5 inches to 6 inches and 1.5 inches in diameter… and blacks are 6.25 to 8 inches and 2 inches in diameter. Of course there are a ton of outliers for all the races in both directions but those measurements are roughly at the top of the sausage party of a bell curve.

8 | So what African country has the smallest penises?

The Ivory Coast checks in the smallest at 5.99 inches. And obviously, that’s officially measured and not self-reported. South Africa is the smallest self-reported at 6.02 inches — although 10 percent of the population is white and most likely bringing that number down. And with that, the fall of Apartheid manifests itself 18 years later in a study on penis sizes.

9 | And what Asian country has the largest penises?

Of the non-southeast Asian countries, Singapore is the largest at 4.54 (officially measured). All of the Asian countries included in the study had officially reported sizes — you have to appreciate their dedication to quality data, even if it reinforces a negative stereotype — so there isn’t a largest self-reported one. (Including southeast Asia, Indonesia is largest at 4.59 inches.)

10 | Theory #1: Penises are smaller in colder climates

The author proposes that in colder climates, men had to hunt together. Because of that, they learned to cooperate and that led to less competition over women. And thanks to that lack of competition, bigger penises weren’t necessary and the men’s evolutionary development could be focused elsewhere. It’s like the cold led to population-wide shrinkage.

11 | Theory #2: Smaller penises are tied to higher IQs

Let’s all try our best to ignore the horrific racial overtones of the author’s hypothesis on that and, instead, spread the word to our fellow nerds that you have a great new excuse for why you’re not packing what you wish you were.

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(You can see the full report here.)

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