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#10685 ⇧ (+107752/-218) ⇩

<barometz> Bucket, as you might have gathered, is not extremely smart

<Bucket> Okay, barometz.

<barometz> ~_~

<barometz> Bucket: forget that

<Bucket> Okay, barometz, forgot that as you might have gathered is not extremely smart

#4026 ⇧ (+5077/-356) ⇩

< marc> ok story time

< marc> I either got kicked out of art history class or I have straight as for the rest of the semester without work

< marc> about 30 seconds before class I went up to tell him that I would have to leave a little bit early

< marc> we were talking loud enough so the whole class would hear, but they weren't being very loud anyway, now this guy is an asshole he started the whole high pitched mocking voice and said "well if you're leaving then I guess I'll go too, it's not like I have to teach a class or anything, or you have to be here for it"

< marc> so I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and tossed them at him, he caught them and I said "well if you're already leaving you can take my mom to chemo"

< marc> whole class goes silent he's just standing there mouth open keys still in his outstretch hand, I walk up take them from his hand said "that's what I thought" and walked out

#882 ⇧ (+2108/-234) ⇩

KBC: Recently, my sister had a child. A few months before hand, she had a baby shower. I was invited, because my sister likes getting presents. I got them Hungry Hungry Hippos. The reason for this? My brother-in-law, when young, was a terror, and his mother was an actual single mother. The father left the day of conception.

KBC: One day, his mother got fed up with my brother-in-laws antics, she said 'That's it, grab one toy, you're going to the orphanage!' So he grabs HHH, they walk around a mall a bit, he's clutching that thing to him saying 'I *sob* Don't *Sob* wanna *sob* go to the orphan*sob*age!'

KBC: And then they go home. But this story isn't about my brother-in-law, or his mother, or even my nephew, really. It's about the baby shower, when I went out to buy their gift- Hungry Hungry Hippos.

KBC: I go to Walmart, because it's the only thing open at the time I went out. I go to the toy section, look at the Lego, crappy excuse for action figures, then grab the game. After that, I start heading for the cash registers.

KBC: On the way towards the cashes, I pass the pharmacy and realize, 'Hey, I need condoms.' Because, well, condoms expire after four years. So, I grab a box of condoms, Tiny Trojans (they invaded in a pony, not a horse) and head to the cashes with my HHH in tow.

KBC: While waiting at the cash, I see their impulse buys. Impulse buy at this cash was gummy bears. This reminded me about a story I heard that eating too many gummy bears can turn your pee black. So I picked up some. For science. (Post-script: It didn't)

KBC: I'm waiting for the cashier, and there's two people in front of me. The cashier is this old, 80 or older blue haired bat who likes talking. She rung the items up for the people in front of me and talked to them for a few minutes, despite their wanting to pay and leave. And then I get served.

KBC: She looks at me and smiles, then looks at my items. Then looks at me. And looks at my items. And then just glares at me. I'm standing right in front of her, after a long 12 hour shift, in a trenchcoat, not having shaved for a week. That's when it hits me, I just won the condom game, where you grab three items, one being condoms, and see if you can get a reaction. You know, coathanger, garbage bags, condoms. Something like that.

KBC: By the way she's looking at me, she must think I'm a child molester. So I say to her. 'Oh, uh, I'm new in town...do you know where I can get a white, panelled van?' And her jaw drops. She scans the items, as she hadn't yet, as fast as fast can be, I give her the money and she pretty much throws it back at me.

KBC: I thank her for her service, and start to leave the store. Before I leave, I look back, and I see her, on the phone, looks like she's yelling, using her hand beside her to try and judge height next to her, probably giving my description to someone. And that's why I'm not allowed at the east end Wal-mart again. END.

#406 ⇧ (+1421/-202) ⇩

< Coldcell_> actually, my neck clicks _really_ badly sometimes, but it doesn't hurt or anything

< Coldcell_> and in martial arts class one day some guy headlocks me

< Coldcell_> and it does this massive POP

< Coldcell_> so I go limp

< deadfool> nice

< Coldcell_> and the guy is almost crying

#354 ⇧ (+1405/-213) ⇩

Glench: as the temperature of lesbians approaches absolute zero, they cease to exist

Glench: let me demonstrate

Glench: here we have a google search for hot lesbians

Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22hot+lesbians%22

Glench: ~1.4 million results

Glench: cool lesbians: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cool+lesbians%22

Glench: 2,500 results

Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cold+lesbians%22

Kasu: Glench: It's scientific!

Glench: 321 results

Glench: for cold lesbians

lapilofu: did you try warm?

Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22absolute+zero+lesbians%22

Glench: 0 results

Glench: theory: PROVEN

TwoDaemon: ... that is simultaneously so logical and so awesomely retarded.

#543 ⇧ (+1198/-218) ⇩

Tawnos: xkcd, how drunk are you?

xkcd: Tawnos: on a scale of 1 to abraham lincoln I am yellow

#776 ⇧ (+981/-177) ⇩

<PhoenixTalion> Apparently some museum did a Salvador Dali exhibit a while back

<PhoenixTalion> and after it was up for like, a month, it came out that half of the paintings were fakes!

<BSoDomy> oh snap

<PhoenixTalion> And at first I was all, damn. Shouldn't someone have caught on to that right away?

<PhoenixTalion> Then I realized, it wasn't that big a surprise

<PhoenixTalion> After all,

<PhoenixTalion> NO ONE INSPECTS THE SPANISH EXPOSITION

#633 ⇧ (+1305/-246) ⇩

<~xkcd> well, khmer, in search of hilarity

<~xkcd> hit on airtank, with great faux-sincerity

<~xkcd> but was met with surprise

<~xkcd> when the pull of her thighs

<~xkcd> crushed them both down to a singularity



<%khmer_at_work> Internet, please meet xkcd.

<%khmer_at_work> He distributes his content for free.

<%khmer_at_work> He writes half of his jokes

<%khmer_at_work> For you programmer folks

<%khmer_at_work> And the other half, he gets from me



<~xkcd> I am shocked by your base allegation

<~xkcd> and declare that it's pure fabrication

<~xkcd> yes, you're often quite clever

<~xkcd> but your jokes are, however,

<~xkcd> insufficient for my publication



<%khmer_at_work> Your rebuttal is cute but transparent.

<%khmer_at_work> Your reliance on me is apparent.

<%khmer_at_work> I'll admit it's pragmatic

<%khmer_at_work> To hide in your attic

<%khmer_at_work> But won't I run into your parents?



<~xkcd> (this limerick game goes for chapters)

<~xkcd> yes, we can become your captors

<~xkcd> you can stay in our attic

<~xkcd> though it's problematic

<~xkcd> since that's where we hide from the raptors



< Shrdlu> Gentlemen, your poetic retorts

< Shrdlu> Are among the most excellent sports

< Shrdlu> But this game, I insist

< Shrdlu> Has my poor neighbors pissed

< Shrdlu> For the library fills with my snorts.



<%khmer_at_work> I'll deal with them mano a mano.

<%khmer_at_work> Sit and listen to your ipod nano.

<%khmer_at_work> I'll lure them to dream

<%khmer_at_work> With that one 'Lost World' theme

<%khmer_at_work> And then slam their heads in the piano.



<~xkcd> You've devised quite an interesting plan,

<~xkcd> but it'll be over before it began.

<~xkcd> The raptors are smarter;

<~xkcd> your plot's a non-starter.

<~xkcd> Have fun. I'll be in Kazakhstan.



< Shrdlu> The piano idea could be worse

< Shrdlu> But the details are rather perverse.

< Shrdlu> Smashing their heads

< Shrdlu> Won't ensure that they're dead

< Shrdlu> But it will send you home in a hearse.



<%relsqui> While you duked it out, I've been terse

<%relsqui> 'Cause at limericks I'm a lot worse

<%relsqui> Than with different feet

<%relsqui> (In iambic, I'm leet!)

<%relsqui> Call me back when you fight in blank verse.

#5088 ⇧ (+1015/-196) ⇩

< Jax184> I finally got the windows embedded platform builder installed

< Jax184> so I can now make a version of XP that'll boot off of a 128 meg CF card

< moshez> jax184: my condolences

< moshez> why do you want to develop on crap xp platforms and stuff

< moshez> that sounds unfun

<@khmer> i love it when people ask windows questions or talk about windows dev and someone's very serious answer to the question is "use linux, noob"

< moshez> khmer: it's worked for me so far...

<@khmer> hurr hurr! you guys are aweosme!!!!!!

<@khmer> here's my impression of you

<@khmer> SCENE: Mission Control. Apollo 13 is spinning out of control.

<@khmer> <Radio> All right, we've evacuated the command module and we're sealed in the LEM, but the oxygen filter is broken! we need another!

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> All right, Captain, we'll put together a team.

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> Team, here are the supplies they've got. We need to build an air filter for the LEM socket, right now.

<@khmer> <moshez> They shouldn't have gone into the LEM.

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> We're kind of past that, moshez. They've evacuated all the oxygen from the command module.

<@khmer> <moshez> Well it's just the right answer, they shouldn't have gone into the LEM.

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> All right, anyone else? We have to make sure it doesn't take sharp movements, because a good kick could tear right through the aluminum wall.

<@khmer> <moshez> Well, you shouldn't have used aluminum.

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> All right, you know what, dickhole? That's not problem solving. They're in the LEM, the walls are aluminum, and they're in fucking space, so we need to solve this problem!

<@khmer> <moshez> Well, they shouldn't have gone into space. I never need to.

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> What? This isn't about you. This is their situation and their problem and we need to build this air filter!

<@khmer> <moshez> Well don't get mad at me for having the right answers.

<@khmer> <moshez> I just drive to my house and I never have air filtration problems.

<@khmer> <Mission Commander> So, the astronauts have holed up in the LEM and they want us to build an air filter, and your solution is for them not to go into the LEM, not to build it with aluminum, not to go into space, and to drive to your house?

<@khmer> <moshez> You're not thinking about this rationally.

<@khmer> <Radio> TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER

<@khmer> <moshez> That radio is probably just picking up Casablanca.

<@khmer> --SCENE.--

< moshez> khmer: ok

< moshez> khmer: now I feel bad about myself

< moshez> no wait, I don't

< Beelzebub> moshez: you should.

#987 ⇧ (+1011/-196) ⇩

<DD> The moderator will work Randall reckons,

<DD> but to newbies the new -Signal beckons.

<DD> They repeat what's been said,

<DD> (they repeat what's been said!)

<moderator> DD, you have been muted for 4 seconds.

#8175 ⇧ (+588/-107) ⇩

* fantasyprone (fantasypro@hide-3089BE47.static.tpgi.com.au) Quit (Ping timeout)

* Apathy runs off to sleep

<Apathy> also tell fantasyprone i said "saw that coming!"

<snark> future fantasyprone says to tell you she saw your mom coming last night

<snark> I have a time machine

<snark> and will pass on your message to avoid a paradox

* fantasyprone (fantasypro@hide-3089BE47.static.tpgi.com.au) has joined #elitists

<snark> fantasyprone: Apathy said to tell you he saw that coming

<fantasyprone> if you see Apathy again, you can tell him I saw his mom coming

<snark> Will do.

* snark hops in a time machine and jumps back a couple of minutes

* snark emerges from the time machine again.

<snark> All done.

<fantasyprone> thanks

#681 ⇧ (+893/-175) ⇩

<Shrdlu> I was reading my physics prof's text and came upon this sentence:

<Shrdlu> 'In previous examples we have found it convenient to assume reality; henceforth we will no longer thus constrain ourselves.'

<Shrdlu> Took me a moment to figure out that he was talking about assuming a variable was real-valued.

<Shrdlu> For a brief instant I thought it could be the best physics class I'd ever taken.

#4310 ⇧ (+833/-179) ⇩

<Sydney> pseudonym: I once wrote an essay on "The Use of Rhetoric to Obscure a Lack of Meaningful Content".

<pseudonym> Sydney: you're my new hero

<Sydney> I used total bull to get away with using total bull on the topic of using total bull.

<Sydney> I received full marks and a request not to do it again.

#371 ⇧ (+924/-201) ⇩

khmer: so, i have a bit of a story to tell about last night's party

barnaby: which bit?

khmer: my friends jeff and andrew call me and say, we're hitting up this house party on capitol hill, and i go, fine

khmer: i get there and know nobody; andrew knows the birthday girl, that's about it

khmer: the hosts are a pair of mid-20s IT workers from japan, and 80% of the guest list is japanese exchange students, around my age

khmer: most of them FOB or close, going to various schools in the area

khmer: their english is pretty good but heavily accented and not high on vocabulary

khmer: they're dressed trendy, lots of denim, hair highlights, you get the idea

creature: Does this story end with you seducing someone?

khmer: swarms of japanese girls, and you know, i just automatically think they probably have relatively innocent schoolgirl sensibilities; too much western entertainment i guess

khmer: but we're out on the balcony smoking and then being openly asked about the size of our dicks

prozac: bwahahahaahahahaha

khmer: 'oh, miyuki and me, we knowww tall boys! hee hee hee!'

zylche: squelch..

khmer: 'i want to stay in seattle parliamentary'

khmer: 'what?'

khmer: 'parliamentary!'

khmer: 'like, forever!'

khmer: 'but it's very hard, you know, visa, and green card'

khmer: 'oh you mean permanently! ah, i see'

khmer: 'yes,' says miho, 'long time, lots of paperwork'

khmer: i nod sympathetically, she says 'or i could marry someone!'

Coldcell: send her over.

khmer: i know, right? but jeff and andrew and i don't flirt overtly, because we're off balance a bit, this has all come as a bit of a surprise, and we're afraid of a huge cultural misunderstanding

Coldcell: khmer, that's a 'bow' not an invite to unzip

prozac: khmer, there was a huge cutural misunderstanding

prozac: japanese arent puritianical like western society.

khmer: like, we were afraid we'd end up in the bedroom, we're like, yes, score, inside-the-park, and she would, i dunno, pull out hungry hungry hippos as we were getting our pants offf

Coldcell: hahaa

khmer: so, yes, considering among other things the cultural gaps you two are pointing out, we made sure not to flirt with anyone heavily

Coldcell: 'oh, I totally play HH in the nude, don't you know Americans?'

khmer: but we definitely get real full of ourselves

khmer: we end up sitting inside in front of like 12 japanese kids, doing stupid elementary school tricks

khmer: like, jeff played the william tell overture with his mouth, i opened a beer can with a lighter

khmer: THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE EVERY TIME

khmer: we recited the who's on first routine

khmer: RIOTOUS LAUGHTER

Ephphatha: opening a beer can with a lighter?

khmer: we could do no wrong! it made me understand why has-been bands go play japan!

khmer: beer bottle, that is

khmer: excuse me

khmer: you know, absence of verbal humor, we're like...

khmer: getting peals of laughter from making shapes with our tongues

khmer: 'look! a tube!'

khmer: so i get a quarter out of my pocket and i grab miyuki, who is heartbreakingly gorgeous

prozac: I'm wondering about how you didn't get laid after all this....

khmer: i press the quarter to my forehead, it sticks there, i hit myself in the back of the head twice, it falls off

khmer: she understands

khmer: so, i press it to her forehead, and, you guys know the trick, right? i remove it as i pull my hand away

khmer: enthusiastically, she begins hitting herself in the back of the head

khmer: one time...two times...three...harder...harder...HARDER

khmer: TWELVE TIMES

khmer: she's getting FURIOUS

khmer: another party guest comes into the room

khmer: she yells something at him in japanese, glares

khmer: he's like...uh...are you...are you sure?

khmer: it's gonna hurt real bad

khmer: she nods frantically

Ephphatha: you're mean

khmer: Ephphatha i was BEGGING her to feel her forehead with her hand

khmer: after like the sixth smack

khmer: she wouldn't LISTEN

khmer: i was FLIPPING THE QUARTER IN MY HAND

khmer: LOOK MIYUKI IT'S THE QUARTER

khmer: MIYUKI STOP THIS

khmer: so she demands that this dude hit her

khmer: and he does

khmer: so hard she FALLS OVER

Ephphatha: hahaha

khmer: gets up, and looks mortified

khmer: she heard no quarter drop

khmer: so i grab her and put her hand on her forehead

khmer: realization breaks out over her face

khmer: her eyes widen, and then

khmer: she JAMS ME INTO A CORNER AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME

khmer: i'm cowering for my LIFE

khmer: she's screaming and hitting me with closed fists, REALLY HARD

Ephphatha: I'm nearly pissing myself laughing at this

khmer: so, i notice after a few seconds of this

khmer: the blows are falling softer and less often

khmer: she's...she's laughing! ha! all is forgiven!

khmer: the room begins to chuckle, the trance recedes

khmer: then she stops DEAD SILENT

khmer: spins around and GLARES at the guy who hit her really hard

khmer: and BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM

khmer: KICKS, PUNCHES

khmer: he's MOANING FOR MERCY

khmer: her friends have to restrain her

khmer: and then suddenly she BURSTS OUT LAUGHING and laughs for like THREE MINUTES

shoofle: that's a great story

khmer: and then she turns to me and says 'you like jazz?'

creature: Congratulations! You pulled a crazy girl.

khmer: ...the end

prozac: khmer, she'd do wild things to you in the bedroom.

Ephphatha: ok, if I EVER go to a party with you, you're not allowed to have any coins

prozac: Ephphatha, you should give him several

khmer: prozac: i thought about trying to bag her, but...i had a magic:the gathering tournament in the morning

prozac: just dont hit anyone in the back of the head

Coldcell: khmer, you're a living legend

#5866 ⇧ (+673/-150) ⇩

< Spork> So today in the school's parking lot, this big truck was triple parked. So, not being mean enough to actually scratch his truck, I wrote a note that said "Sorry about the scratch" and left it under his wiper. As I was pulling out, he got to his car, looked at the note, and spent like 10 minutes looking for a scratch.

#179 ⇧ (+732/-165) ⇩

< agilman> Sea cucumbers extract oxygen from water in a pair of 'lungs' or respiratory 'trees' that branch off the cloaca just inside the anus...

< agilman> so that they 'breathe' by drawing water in through the anus and then expelling it

-!- geekable [geekable@hide-9D752E43.hsd1.mi.comcast.net] has joined #xkcd

<%relsqui> so does geekable

< geekable> geekable does what?

<%relsqui> oh nothing.

< geekable> geekable doesn't do anal, let me tell you right now

<%relsqui> ... that's ... really surprisingly appropriate to context

< agilman> wow

< agilman> yeah, thats 100% appropriate

#206 ⇧ (+681/-162) ⇩

< fortitUs> hm.. whats a strapon? :S *innocent look*

<%relsqui> fortitUs: it's what I would use, lacking a cock, if I wanted to screw someone with one

< fortitUs> O_O

-!- fortitUs [lordogame@hide-1F17685D.singnet.com.sg] has quit [Quit: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh]

<%relsqui> oh man, I remembered that he's like 12 RIGHT after I said that

#8418 ⇧ (+737/-177) ⇩

< logic> God damn it.

< logic> I need a new phone.

< logic> I got drunk after seeing transformers last night.

< logic> And I was playing about with the settings on my phone.

< logic> Found 'Airplane mode.' and thought "Fuck yeah!"

< logic> Activated it and threw my phone into the sky!

< logic> It just fell and hit the ground, cracking the screen.

< logic> Worst. Transformer. Ever.

#2220 ⇧ (+626/-149) ⇩

loquacius: We were discussing the vagina as storage device!

khmer: I heard relsqui uses her vagina as a block storage device

SeveredCross: /dev/vagina?

khmer: i was thinking for legos

loquacius: Also, stepping on Legos is painful enough, and vaginas are somewhat more sensitive than feet

khmer: i knew this girl once who could put two lego blocks in her vagina and then when she took them out they were joined

khmer: note: above story is completely fake

loquacius: I mistyped that as "stepping on vaginas is painful enough" the first time through

khmer: i knew this girl who could put 15 windows 95 floppy disks and a compaq presario in her vagina, and when she took them out, it was installed and configured

khmer: note: above story is entirely true

loquacius: I knew this girl who could put a Robo Sapiens in her vagina, and when she took it out, it was a real boy

khmer: i knew this girl who could put 5 east asian diplomats in her vagina, and when she took them out, the PRC recognized taiwan as an independent nation, and north korea was opened to foreign trade

loquacius: That one's actually plausible

khmer: hm true

khmer: i knew this girl once who could put an NES controller into her vagina, and when she took it out, she'd done a 11-minute mario 1 speed run

khmer: i knew this girl once would could put a penis into her vagina, and when she took it out, she thought i loved her

#4240 ⇧ (+596/-143) ⇩

<Debaser> Guys

<Debaser> Here is an important life lesson

<Debaser> If someone comes up to you while you are eating egg at a mcdonalds

<Debaser> And says "You're eating chicken period"

<Debaser> Do NOT go

<Debaser> "OM NOM NOM, CHICKED PERIOD"

<Debaser> And smear it all over your face

<Debaser> Thats ANOTHER damn mcdonalds I can't go into

#630 ⇧ (+545/-131) ⇩

< Corbomite> Which will allow me to spend cuntless hours fucking around in Visual Studio?

< Corbomite> countless*

< Vir4030> no, cuntless is accurate too

#271 ⇧ (+735/-186) ⇩

< vrek> I hate dealing with freaking girls, seriously I want to just kill everything with a god damn vagina!!!

< yy2bggggs> vrek: A gun would work better

#8235 ⇧ (+124/-17) ⇩

< logic> Oh dear.

< logic> I forgot whether I was running screen or not.

< logic> And I just started up another one, y'know - just in case.

< logic> And a little voice in my head said "A screen with in a screen. You live up to your reputation, Mr Carroll."

< logic> Did I just get trolled by Chris Nolan?

#2269 ⇧ (+534/-131) ⇩

<Royall> "We have been trying to eliminate the penny for quite some time -- it always comes back," Obama said. "I need to find out who is lobbying to keep the penny."

<theonetruemango> but I thought Obama loved change

#7522 ⇧ (+623/-159) ⇩

<Flibberdy> They've invented a car that runs on water!

<Flibberdy> Current models only support water from the Gulf of Mexico.

#4392 ⇧ (+565/-143) ⇩

<PseudoNym00> if you took a picture of a sexy naked woman, cut and pixelated part of it to make it look like the picture was still loading, then put a javascript on the page that made the browser look like its thinking, you could hypothetically trap perverts there forever!

<PseudoNym00> I'm a genius!

<PseudoNym00> and have engineered my own demise

#8280 ⇧ (+419/-105) ⇩

<stalagmatite> NoobSauce: lack of coffee makes me angry

<NoobSauce> stalagmatite: that's just the coffee talking

#2218 ⇧ (+545/-146) ⇩

<quine> i'm going to go ahead and turn into a bagel

<industrialbs> ummm quick question

<industrialbs> can I eat the quinebagel

<industrialbs> if it is in a non sexual way ?

<embrodak> don't tongue the quinebagel's hole

<quine> no, please do

<embrodak> ewww, not in pubic

<embrodak> *pubic

<embrodak> *pubic

<embrodak> FUCK

* quine high-freuds embrodak

#6828 ⇧ (+345/-87) ⇩

< Adam> holy shit you people suck so much cock

<@khmer> you know i never understood the phrase "so much cock"

<@khmer> i think of cock as a discrete, countable quantity

< Adam> hey khmer, what don't you understand

< Adam> you are not thinking of enough cocks

< Adam> about as much as your mother does

<@khmer> Adam sweetie this is DISCRETE vs. CONTINUOUS, not YOUR FAILURE TO ARTICULATE versus OUR REFINED COMPREHENSION

< Adam> haha, im failing to articulate

< Adam> or you are just retarded

<@khmer> that's also possible

-!- mode/#xkcd [+mN] by khmer

-!- mode/#xkcd [+v Adam] by khmer

<@khmer> adam i need you to write a sonnet

<@khmer> immediately

<+Adam> ok

<@khmer> i am absolutely enthralled by you

<@khmer> please write one

<+Adam> everyone in here is a faggot

<+Adam> but not me

<+Adam> i am oh so awesome

<+Adam> you people suck so much cock

* khmer taps on pant legs

<@khmer> dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH

<@khmer> no no no dude

<+Adam> whats wrong?

-!- mode/#xkcd [-v Adam] by khmer

<@Stereo> khmer: you should have specified iambic pentameter, man

<@khmer> a sonnet IMPLIES that, Stereo

<@khmer> the only two options here are shakespearean and petrarchan

<@Stereo> yeah, but he's already shown he can't understand implications

<@khmer> and that has to do with line-by-line phrasing, not feet

<@khmer> ok ok

<@Stereo> i'm just saying, you gotta work with people

<@khmer> adam i know you are the scion of immense wealth and on your lady governess's substantial retainer i will try my very hardest to extract a morsel of talent from your mopsy head

<@khmer> now try again

<@khmer> petrarchan or shakespearean, your choice

<@khmer> but iambic pentameter, please!

-!- mode/#xkcd [+v Adam] by khmer

<@khmer> you may begin

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

<+Adam> KHMER IS A GIANT FAGGOT

-!- mode/#xkcd [-v Adam] by khmer

<@khmer> i applaud your passion, darling

<@Stereo> it even rhymes!

<@khmer> there was, dare i say, a hefty dollop of panache

<@khmer> and in the form of the villanelle, repetition is highly regarded!

<@khmer> but please do remember, though i know you are frustrated with the stringency of my lessons

<@khmer> a villanelle is not what we are doing

<@khmer> now i will force the epsom salts and ipecac upon you again if you continue to behave impudently

<@khmer> please! iambic pentameter! it's really a simple meter; any debutante out of finishing school can compose a bit of doggerel while the handmaidens are lacing her petticoats

<@khmer> so do not try my patience

<@khmer> apace!

-!- mode/#xkcd [+v Adam] by khmer

<@khmer> you may begin

<+Adam> no asshole, iambic pentemeter is gay

<+Adam> and you guys are boring

-!- Adam [Adam@hide-DA3BBCF6.hsd1.in.comcast.net] has quit [Quit: ]

<@khmer> alas!

<@Ephphatha> Aww



-!- mode/#xkcd [+mN] by khmer

<@khmer> the moral of like 15 minutes ago:

<@khmer> a troll perforce endeavors to offend,

<@khmer> and break the spell of gaiety and mirth

<@khmer> that, through long hours of parley makes a friend

<@khmer> of any soul who seeks one on the earth.

<@khmer> though you and i alike may swiftly seek

<@khmer> to banish trolls as fools, forsworn as one,

<@khmer> i know the difference may appear quite weak,

<@khmer> but we must suffer fools, though trolls we shun.

<@khmer> while fools and trolls at once live underneath

<@khmer> the prideful spires of knowledge, taste and sense,

<@khmer> trolls do not love, but tear betwixt their teeth

<@khmer> those kinder souls who come to their defense.

<@khmer> but though he seemed quite lower than a maggot,

<@khmer> he did remind us: KHMER'S A GIANT FAGGOT

-!- mode/#xkcd [-mN] by khmer

#602 ⇧ (+528/-142) ⇩

<xkcd> Bucket: nslookup xkcd.com

<Bucket> 68.57.276.14

<xkcd> Bucket: nslookup whitehouse.gov

<Bucket> 68.57.276.14

<Ephphatha> uh

<nobody> WHAT?

<xkcd> THE PLOT THICKENS

<Ephphatha> dun dun dun



< Phlip> I like how most people recognise that it's always the same numbers before they realise there's a '276' in there...

#5021 ⇧ (+216/-49) ⇩

<+Debaser> Man, I'm gonna take up smoking just so I can stand outside in the rain at night and smoke

<+Debaser> And people are all "He's so deep, look at him in the rain"

<StandOff> That actually sounds like a decent plan. It'd be a good image

<+Debaser> And then, when they come near, I hit them with a pie

#435 ⇧ (+623/-172) ⇩

< uberushaximus> I'm in your channel, writing sentences in a grammatically acceptable manner.

#7561 ⇧ (+456/-122) ⇩

<puddle>Where do you sign up to participate in a psychological study, anyway?

<snark> puddle: you've been participating in one for several months

<puddle> snark: What

<snark> puddle: easy way to do it is sign onto irc.foonetic.net

<puddle> snark: Oh no

<puddle> snark: Are you one of the scientists?

<puddle> snark: Can you tell me what you've concluded so far?

<snark> or am I just a stooge?

<snark> is this reality?

<snark> or is it just fantasy?

<DarkLoad> Caught in a landslide

<Bucket> No escape from reality.

<YFNH> Open your eyes.

<Bucket> Look up to the skies and see

<LolCam> open your eyes

<Bucket> Look up to the skies and see

<DarkLoad> I'm just a poor boy

<Bucket> You need no sympathy

<YFNH> I'm just a poor boy!

<Bucket> You need no sympathy

<fedora> Easy come

<mint> STOP

<DarkLoad> easy go

<LolCam> Little high

<mint> Oh smeg.

<puddle> little low

<DarkLoad> little low

<lieuwe> wtf?

<Beelzebub> little low

<fedora> Any way the wind blows

<Bucket> Doesn't really matter to me

<YFNH> Take me where the wind blows.

<puddle> to meeeeeeeee

<puddle> MAMAAAAAAAAAA

<LolCam> Mama, just killed a maaaan

<fedora> put a gun against his head

<LolCam> pulled my trigger now he's dead

<DarkLoad> pulled the trigger now he's head

<LolCam> mamaaaaa life had just begun

<snark> puddle: to answer your question, I have concluded a great many things about the predictability and manipulability of large groups of likeminded people.

#570 ⇧ (+340/-87) ⇩

* xkcd takes [Bucket] down for now until he can make some adjustments

<%relsqui> I thought he was looking a little pail

#8062 ⇧ (+287/-71) ⇩

< Daevol> I found an inconsistency in Linux (an irritating one)

< Daevol> let's say I have /foo/bar/target

< Daevol> and I have a soft link from /home/daevol/link to target

< Daevol> cd /home/daevol

< Daevol> cd link

< Daevol> cd ..

< Daevol> where am I?

< Bucket> You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.

< Daevol> shut up, Bucket

#278 ⇧ (+446/-119) ⇩

* shoofle grapples Scarecrow

* shoofle /o_----------3 \o/ Scarecrow

* shoofle /o_----------------------S3carecrow

* shoofle /o_-----------S3 carecrow

* shoofle /o_S3 carecrow

-!- Scarecrow is now known as carecrow

-!- shoofle is now known as shoofleS

#9084 ⇧ (+174/-37) ⇩

<tomatosalad> it is 54 degrees in this house

<tomatosalad> I am so damn cold

<Bubonicfred> whats that in C?

<Palomides> Bubonicfred: printf("it is 54 degrees in this house");

#7711 ⇧ (+131/-24) ⇩

<ellipsis> Seth: gauge, since you said your gage is broken, I figured it's just missing its u

<Seth> ellipsis: ...

<poiesis> semicolon: ;

#459 ⇧ (+342/-88) ⇩

Glench: we have projectors that can hook up to the teachers' laptops in every room

Glench: and so he had his screen up looking to get to a powerpoint

Glench: and next to the powerpoint it said

Glench: Hitchhikers I've killed.txt

#8190 ⇧ (+110/-18) ⇩

<maria> I do kind if admire the structural integrity of a lot of japanese houses being such that the entire house can float as a unit

<Velociraptors> while on fire

<Velociraptors> at 40kph

<maria> yes

<maria> that is one way you know your day is going to suck

<maria> not only is the tsunami coming towards you, but the tsunami is on fire

#217 ⇧ (+477/-129) ⇩

<Geese> I think short hair's pretty awesome too

<Geese> and

<Geese> it has the advantage of being less likely to get stuck in heavy machinery

<Geese> which, you know, is something I look for in a woman

#842 ⇧ (+335/-86) ⇩

<@Hermiene> Anyway, are you guys up to giving me sex tips again? I want to know how to seduce Marie into getting in bed with me without planning for it.

<@Hermiene> I want it to be spontaneous.

<Mihai> pink champagne and caviar

<Sretsam> Get satin sheets, and shave off all of your body hair. But do not get into bed before she shows up. You will not have enough friction to get out.

<greenwolf> wait under the covers naked

<greenwolf> with a rose in ur mouth

<%photosinensis> Show up wearing only a condom.

<Sretsam> The FBI is after my penis! I need a place to hide it!

<Lefty> Get one of those shirts that you can just tear off spontaneously

<@Hermiene> And then have music suddenly come on and disco light and so on?

<Lefty> yup

<Lefty> 'Oops, my shirt fell off'

<Lefty> swish

<Fredd> OOPS I AM ALSO GREASED, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

<Lefty> WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!

<Lefty> swish

<Fredd> OH HEY, A CONDOM AND IT'S EXPIRATION DATE IS *TOMORROW*, WE CERTAINLY SHAN'T WASTE IT!

<Fredd> LETS USE IT AND REDUCE RELIANCE ON FOREIGN OIL!

<Kumquat> FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

#2256 ⇧ (+213/-49) ⇩

Eaglewolf joined the chat room.

<+Eaglewolf> Hi all

<-moderator> Eaglewolf, you have been muted for 4 seconds.

<+Eaglewolf> ahem... >.>

<-moderator> Eaglewolf, you have been muted for 16 seconds.

Eaglewolf is now known as Daenyth.

<+senji> oh sweet, sweet irony

<+Daenyth> Well, already this isn't going very well...

<+Daenyth> but I like it! :D

<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 1 minute 4 seconds.

<+Dark-Fx> What is it that you enjoy?

<+Daenyth> many many things, and none of them mentionable in polite company :P

<+Daenyth> and hey, I didn't gete muted for once :D

<+Daenyth> get^

<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 4 minutes 16 seconds.

<+Daenyth> How does the bot determine mute time? Number of mutes? Length of time since last mute? Number of times the line is repeated?

<+tarpman> Daenyth: the faq has all of that and more, check out the topic

<+Daenyth> tarpman: thanks

<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 17 minutes 4 seconds.

<+tarpman> hmm... vaguely ironic :)

<+socksy> 0.o

<+helene|Working> Look at that! a whole 17 minutes to read the FAQ

<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 17 minutes 4 seconds.

<+helene|Working> OK that was more explicitly ironic

socksy is now known as socksy|soworthit.

<+karanlyons> this needs to go up on xkcdb right friggin now.



<+karanlyons> Alright, let me know if I screwed something up: http://dpaste.com/71726/

<+socksy> you missed me changing my name

<+helene|Working> yeah that was the cherry on top

<+karanlyons> socksy: helene|Working: Alright fixed.

<+socksy> yay!

<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 34 minutes 8 seconds.

<+karanlyons> Oh boy, this is getting rather meta-funny.

<+helene|Working> haha i missed socksys last mute. Does he still deem it worth it?

socksy is now known as socksy|no.



moderator sets mode +v socksy

<+helene> congrats socksy. Be a man, go for 2 hours!

<+socksy> helene, I'd rather not.

<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 2 hours 16 minutes 32 seconds.

#6209 ⇧ (+503/-137) ⇩

<&Phificks> I classify netbooks as, basically, tiny shitty laptops.

<%relsqui> pretty much, yeah 8)

<%NinjaWizard> Also, it won't do -anything- I'd want to do on a desktop, since if I were getting something faster it'd be to play games :P

< Bugle> Well, then why did you get it? I'm confused =|

<%NinjaWizard> I got it because I wanna write more, and some local furs and I are gonna be starting a writing group.

<%relsqui> NinjaWizard: did you consider an -actual- notebook? >_>

<%NinjaWizard> I looked at the Alphasmart but with deliver+taxes it woulda cost the same as this.

<%relsqui> no I mean like

<%relsqui> a -notebook-

<%relsqui> for portable writing :P

<%NinjaWizard> Notebooks look to be about the same as the netbooks here. Sears pointed out their only notebook and it cost near double this thing.

<%relsqui> ...

<%relsqui> no

<%relsqui> like

<%relsqui> a NOTEBOOK

<%NinjaWizard> ...you mean like paper?

<%relsqui> >_<

<%relsqui> yes

#1150 ⇧ (+414/-110) ⇩

ruleThirtyFour: I have a dark secret that I want you all to know about.

ruleThirtyFour: It was a pun.

ruleThirtyFour: I was in high school. It was a Cisco certification course.

ruleThirtyFour: Somebody knocked a load of books off the teacher's desk, and she asked the student teacher to put them back

ruleThirtyFour: and I said, 'Hang on a sec...

ruleThirtyFour: ...doesn't he need the admin password to install a library?'

ruleThirtyFour: that was the first time I literally saw somebody become speechless

ruleThirtyFour: absolutely NOTHING to say to me at that point

ruleThirtyFour: she stood in front of the class with her mouth hanging open for a full five seconds

#870 ⇧ (+338/-87) ⇩

<Fredd> the IRL equivalent of IRC is 200 people in a crowd. Only 5 of them are actually talking. The rest are just..staring.

#7983 ⇧ (+127/-23) ⇩

<xiaou> good idea?

<Bucket> good idea is to go to an xkcd meetup and follow someone home. Then don't leave.

<Scouto2> Bucket, bad idea

<Bucket> Screw you guys, I'm going home

* xiaou follows bucket

<Bucket> Help! I'm being stalked!

#364 ⇧ (+315/-80) ⇩

<%Ephphatha> fuck I hate those anti piracy adverts on DVD's

<%Ephphatha> it makes me want to pirate movies so that I don't have to watch it

#248 ⇧ (+226/-53) ⇩

< shoofle> function cannot be executed

< Bucket> function cannot be sexecuted

< shoofle> I know now how I want to die.



#111 ⇧ (+473/-128) ⇩

<~xkcd> root: But I already have the brainware for solving a rubik's cube without thinking much, it's just shoe-tying

<~xkcd> in fact, I have conducted experiments wherein --

* xkcd covers shoofles ears

<~xkcd> -- I tried solving a rubik's cube while getting progressively more drunk

<%relsqui> :D did you take notes like 'two shots ... 5:25'02'

<~xkcd> yeah, I have a video :)

<~xkcd> and I found that even up to the point of near-passing-out, the drunkest I've ever been/ever plan to be, I could still solve it

<~xkcd> although I had a problem actually finding and picking it up

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