On all three counts, thanks to the saffron wave, the rebels-at-heart (but lazy and comfort-loving by inclination) have never had it so easy (File) On all three counts, thanks to the saffron wave, the rebels-at-heart (but lazy and comfort-loving by inclination) have never had it so easy (File)

“We couldn’t quite figure out Molotov cocktails,” my father told me two decades ago, “so we used to vigorously shake soda bottles and throw them at the VC’s office instead.” My great act of rebellion this week? I ate a steak. The young, and the old who long for the idealism of youth, had it tough for a while there. History, we were told, was at an end; the great clash of civilisations was resolved by making sure all anyone really wanted was a Big Mac. But the desire to rebel isn’t so easily quenched. It finds its way in little ways, all superstructure and no base. So, we had generations listening to Bob Dylan while cramming for their CAT exams and Che was reduced to a snazzy logo on a t-shirt. Thankfully, all that began to change in 2014.

An antique saying, according to Christopher Hitchens, “has it that a [hu]man’s life is incomplete unless or until he has tasted love, poverty, and war.” On all three counts, thanks to the saffron wave, the rebels-at-heart (but lazy and comfort-loving by inclination) have never had it so easy. Take love. Till Hum Aapke Hain Koun and DDLJ ruined it, the thing to do was run away with your lover, take a stand against society and the odds and emerge triumphant.

Now, all you have to do is take a walk in a park in Uttar Pradesh and the anti-Romeo squads will get you. And don’t worry if you’re single. In Yogi Adityanath’s Ram Rajya, being out in public with a friend or cousin is more than enough to give you the “pyaar kiya toh darna kya” confidence you aspired to ever since you saw Govinda tramping through forests for Divya Bharti in Shola aur Shabnam. Even if you don’t have the pyaar, you can certainly have the darna. And if you’re feeling really brave, just convert to another religion to marry your paramour — you’ll be lucky if you only get house arrest.

To get a taste of what London’s poor lived like, George Orwell lived as a tramp and managed to wring one of the finest works of journalism, Down and Out in Paris and London, from his experience. Don’t worry, the prime minister has an easier way for you to find yourself without money, and you don’t even have to really lose out on any of your wealth. Standing in ATM lines, for the soldier and state, we were told November 8, 2016, onwards, was an act of great sacrifice. Exactly what the sacrifice was for remains unclear. But there was no cash, there were empty wallets and the poor, in many places, had the chance to experience destitution a la Orwell. And ungrateful liberals say Hindutva-vadis don’t have a sensitivity to culture because they have a problem with Padmavati. Some people just have no perspective.

War presents a more complicated problem. Our “enemies” have nuclear weapons too and mutually assured destruction isn’t as romantic as it’s made out to be. But there are enough ways to rebel that can reproduce at least a simulacrum of conflict. Here’s what you do: Shout slogans about azaadi, talk about the casteist underpinnings of Hindu festivals and human rights violations in the Red Corridor. There’s good chance you can get a battle tank in the middle of your college. At the very least, you will get to play the enemy to a manufactured conflict and armies of trolls and spokespersons will insist that you are a threat to the very survival of the nation. Unlike in an actual war, no one will lose an arm.

Even beyond Hitchens’ grand themes, there is very little you can do to avoid being a rebel today. Forget to stand up for the national anthem, accidentally complain about the economy, prefer biryani over khichudi, be too lazy to do yoga, like Akbar, respect Nehru’s legacy, get an economics degree from an Ivy League university, go to JNU or BHU or Ramjas college, be from Kerala, the list goes on.

For all this, and so much more, we must be grateful to the ruling dispensation. A tweet or Facebook post will have you abused as a communist, or sickular, or libtard or even land you in jail. Can you even imagine the hassle of throwing bottles to make a point?

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