Wall Street – “We are officially opening our trading app to teenagers with their parents credit cards,” a spokesman with the Robinhood Trading app stated. “We are excited about this development. Now millions of bored teenagers stuck at home have the ability to steal their parents credit cards and trade stocks.”

Billy Nealer, 13, said “I’ve already stolen five of my dad’s credit cards and bought a ton of stocks with this thing called a margin account. Apparently trading stocks on margin will enhance my returns,” Billy said with a grin on his face. “My daddy is going to be so proud when I make us millionaires.”

Emma Hill, 17, told us that she stole her grandmothers credit card and is thinking about taking a mortgage out on her grandma’s house to trade stocks. “This is like legal gambling,” Emma stated. “And the best part is, if I lose I won’t have to pay it back because it’s my grandma’s money.”

A spokesman for Robinhood told us they are giving away 10 shares of The United States Oil ETF (“USO”) as an incentive for every credit card a teenager uploads to Robinhood. “Giving away shares of USO should will give these kids more of an incentive to steal their parents money and get more money into the economic engine of capitalism.”