5G conspiracy theories all part of ‘secret plot by the government to identify simpletons’

The latest trend for 5G conspiracies claiming the new technology does everything from microwave your brain to spreading coronavirus is actually part of a secret government conspiracy to identify the nation’s simpletons.

With theories and memes spreading like wildfire on social media, the government insists it has never had such a useful tool for identifying the easily manipulated across the entire country.

As unnamed government official, Simon Williams, told us, “The use of social media has been an excellent tool in manipulating the gullible, going all the way back to the Brexit referendum – but this is the first time we’ve had such widespread success in identifying idiots.

“We’re a bit shocked how many people have fallen for our cunning plot to identify them, we expected a few, even a handful – but this many?

“I mean, at a very basic scientific level, the believe that telephone masts spread a biological virus shows such a blatant disregard for scientific principles, that those sharing such a theory are clearly ripe for manipulation.

“Some of those involved in the plot to leak this conspiracy had genuinely hoped people’s awareness of their online susceptibility would have risen after the whole Cambridge Analytica thing, but it seems they can still be tricked into sharing any old shit incredibly easily.

“Even now, as I’m stood here before you, telling these people that they are identifying themselves as low-information simpletons, they keep on doing it. Look at the comments below this article.

“Morons, as far as the eye can see…”