by A. Chicken

Not too long ago I remember a time when this country’s fried chicken establishments were a place of understanding — a neutral ground where citizens on both sides of the political aisle could gather to discuss news, the weather, and sports while stuffing their faces with deep-fried bird. Democrat or Republican, rich or poor, none of that mattered when a heaping plate of our great nation’s favorite fowl was on the table. My ancestors were proud to give up their lives so this moderate discourse could continue. But all that has changed.

There is no longer a politically moderate chicken restaurant left in the United States that us chickens can proudly be eaten at.

With restaurants like the Red Hen in Lexington, Va. kicking out White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders on moral grounds, and Chick-fil-A donating money to organizations that oppose same-sex marriage, it seems us open-minded, middle-of-the-road chickens have nowhere reasonable left to be consumed in peace. I, for one, don’t want my breaded corpse to be part of somebody’s political agenda.

What about KFC, you ask? They became militarized the day Harland Sanders was commissioned a colonel. And Church’s Chicken? You won’t find an atheist in there. It seems the last bastions of hope for an honest meal are Bojangles’ and Popeyes, and their chicken isn’t even that good.

Do I have opinions? Sure. All us chickens do. But I’m not willing to let them blind me to the fact that our species is freakin’ delicious, and that everybody deserves to enjoy us wherever and whenever they please without politics getting in the way.

“Don’t cry, son,” I remember my father clucking to me before he nobly went off to the slaughter. “One day you too will be able to sacrifice your life so that the American people can have casual conversation over your perfectly crisped carcass.”

Oh, but I wish he were right.

Frank Theodore contributed reporting.