Time Traveler Visits From America's Glorious Socialist Future, Asks For Food

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eyewitnesses were dazzled by the appearance today of a disc of bright white light near the city’s Riverside area. They were even more amazed when a thin figure in a flannel shirt emerged from the circle of light and began to speak.

“People of the year 2020,” he said, “I am Fidel-Mao Rosenberg the 5th, from the People’s Luxurious Housing Commune #22, known to you today as ‘Kentucky.’ I come to you from the glorious future, the year 76 After Ocasio-Cortez, to bring you a message of… Hey, is that a McDonald’s!?!”

Rosenberg then sprinted through traffic to a nearby McDonald’s restaurant. After he threw himself on the ground in front of the counter, diners reported hearing Rosenberg say, “Please, comrade, how many People’s Equality Credits does it cost for a bite of hamburger?”

Hearing that hamburgers were a dollar, Rosenberg replied by bursting into tears, saying that both his kidneys were already promised to black market dealers and he had no other hard currency.

McDonald’s customer Clint Lowery then handed Rosenberg a twenty-dollar bill, saying later, “I had just found that twenty in my jeans pocket this morning, and that guy seemed like he really needed to eat.”

Rosenberg spent the next several minutes buying one hamburger after another and shoving them almost whole into his mouth, pausing only briefly to chew and stick his face under the Coca-Cola spigot of the soda fountain.

Some people who had first seen Rosenberg appear then reminded him that he had been in the middle of delivering a message from the future. “Oh yeah,” said Rosenberg between gulps of soda. “I came to say that you should ... um… pursue social justice and stuff above all else, throwing off the shackles of capital… Oh my gosh! Is that a Publix?! I thought they were a myth!”

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