Hello, I’m the Internet, and You’re Parenting All Wrong

Oh, hello there. I see that it’s 4 AM and you’re frantically googling “symptoms of colic.” Might I recommend some light reading? Perhaps this Daft Parenting article titled “Colic: An Imaginary Construct For Parents Who Can’t Meet Their Child’s Needs.” You might find it illuminating.

Based on your search history, I must interject: you really should put that baby to sleep on his back. I mean, he definitely won’t sleep, but he also definitely won’t stop breathing, unless you have bumpers, blankets, or stuffed animals surrounding him. Don’t even think about letting him have his bottle in the crib — haven’t you read the viral post of a new mom who let her kid sleep with a bottle, and by morning, he was morbidly obese and all his teeth fell out?

You shouldn’t put your baby to sleep on his back either since he will get a flat head and have to wear a corrective helmet, and also he won’t sleep on his back at all and you’ll find yourself rocking him to sleep every night, which will foster co-dependence. You don’t plan on rocking him to sleep in college, do you?

Here’s a link to a Slate article about childhood rocking and college drop-out rates. Scary, no?

Did you know that celebrities place their babies to sleep upside down on a 45-degree angle, wedged between two couch cushions, while listening to Coldplay? Also, their children have an 85% chance of looking like a celebrity, although not always the pretty one.

Wait, did you just post a comment about how beautiful your daughter is? Oh no. No no no. Now you’ve sent the message that her self-worth is forever linked to her physical appearance, not her ability to play the clarinet or throw a javelin or solve for x. If it’s not too late, take back that comment. She will thank you later, when her “character” develops, and she’s not addicted to Adderall or trapped in a loveless marriage to a bass player.

According to this Times op-ed piece, you shouldn’t compliment your daughter on anything a normal kid would do anyway, like homework, sharing, or speaking. You don’t want her to have an inflated sense of self. But make sure you acknowledge how special she is, even if she’s not attractive, smart, or shows any sign of basic human decency.

Are you… still breastfeeding? You know that the American Association of Pediatrics website only recommends nursing for the first year of the baby’s life, then it becomes icky, right? Here’s a blog post by a tired mommy stating that breastfeeding is really for the mom’s benefit, and that by nursing you’re a selfish cheapskate with unhealthy boundaries.

But seriously? You’re not even going to try? Breast is best. There’s an Etsy shop selling coffee mugs with that slogan on it, so it must be true. After you purchase six mugs, go put your throbbing feedbags back in your newborn’s mouth and keep at it! You’ve. Got. This. And maybe google “symptoms of mastitis,” ‘cuz you’ve definitely got that, too.

Ah, now you’re clicking on the ZocDoc reviews of your new pediatrician. He kind of looks like that guy from the next town over who was arrested last year for murdering all those prostitutes. But also, he takes your insurance and is conveniently located three blocks from your house. Sounds great! “Marissa from Brookville” gave him three out of four stars. Let’s hope Marissa is not a prostitute.

I hope you don’t mind — while you were passed out in a pile of empty Pirate’s Booty bags, I took the liberty of culling a Pinterest board of glamorous nurseries from other moms. Note the color schemes, matching furniture, and classic themes, none of which is “stuff that was already in the spare bedroom before you had kids.”

And also, you shouldn’t… wait, are you crying? No, don’t cry; you’re doing a super-duper parenting job. Really! For instance, that pic you posted of your baby is soooo cute. Look how many “likes” it got! See, you’re finally doing something right.

Just don’t read the comments.