She Wants Monogamy, He Doesn't—Are They Doomed?

Six weeks ago I broke up with my best-matched boyfriend ever—funny, smart, sexy, on the same page politically. I felt seen and heard. The whole package! Three months ago, after dating monogamously for nine months, he told me he needs to sleep with other women. His sex drive is high, he craves variety and adventure. This was a surprise to me because we were never lacking in variety and adventure and we felt great pleasure and contentment with our sex life. It had likely been the underlying reason for his past breakups. We talked recently and what I gather is that he was waiting for a "switch to flip" where he wouldn't want other women; when that didn't happen, he felt compelled to tell me. Sponsored Protectly.co has USA Made N95 masks in stock! Plus NIOSH respirators, surgical masks, gloves, goggles, 3M half-face respirators and more. www.protectly.co We talked about it, what it would look like in practice for him to "go outside" for extra sex, and every time we discussed the practicalities I would get heartsick and physically ill. He asked if bringing someone home for the both of us would work for me. Again, sick to my stomach—at the thought of "sharing," at the thought of "not being enough." I've had enough of those experiences to know I need emotional connection to enjoy sex, so it's not like I am just being possessive. It just has never worked for me. I also worry about safety, about him getting someone pregnant by accident, about him becoming emotionally attached to someone else. Again, intellectually I know those things could happen in any committed relationship—monogamy is not a guarantee against them—but I just couldn't put those possibilities aside. We'd briefly talked about the concept of "monogamish" in the very beginning of dating, we both agreed it sounds great, so long as everyone is on the same page. But I know now I could only do it only in theory. It's not for me in practice. After much reflection, discussion, reading, journaling, consulting friends, and feeling more and more miserable and withdrawn from him, I realized there was no one wrong in this scenario—we're just built for very different relationships. I asked him if he could ever possibly choose just me, a deeper and more intimate relationship with one person, where we explore the variety of "extra" through each other, and he said he knew he just couldn't. So, we broke it off. My question to you is this: Was I right to break it off? Knowing what I now know about what I need in relationship—that I'm a "one-person person" and that I want the same from my partner—was I wrong? Was i wrong not to give extra/outside sex a trial run? Could we have made it work with enough time to normalize and rationalize it? Or maybe if we read more books? Joined a discussion group? Saw a counselor? Am I simply "built" differently? A month and a half later and I'm still in the grips of this heartache, this loss, Dan, and I'm willing to reexamine my thoughts. Is This Regret Or Wisdom?

I’m so sorry you’re in pain, ITROW.

Your ex was right to be honest with you about who he is and what he wants and what he thinks he's incapable of doing. You were right to be honest with him about the same—and if he can't be happy in a closed relationship (or doesn't think he can) and you can't be happy in an open one (or don't think you can), then you were right to end things. Being on the same page politically is nice but not always necessary—and the same goes for funny and smart and everything else your ex brought to the table. But monogamy is one of those things two people have to be on the same page about in order to make a relationship work.

Or get on the same page about.

There are lots of people in open relationships who are happy and feel a true and deep intimacy with their primary partners and who absolutely, positively did not want to be an open relationship when their primary partners first asked about opening up the relationship. Many people have agreed to open a relationship under duress and then realized, after some time had passed, that their fears were unfounded. Some even discover that they prefer having an open relationship and would never want to be in a monogamous relationship again.

There are probably just as many or more people out there who agreed to an open relationship and then found that it didn't work for them and got out. There are, unfortunately, no longterm studies of people who agreed to open their relationships under duress that I'm aware of, ITROW, so I can’t tell you what personality or relationship traits correlate with success. While I've heard from and met people who made the transition from miserably-non-monogamous to happily-non-monogamous, I really couldn't tell you what exactly got the majority of them point A (agony) to point B (bliss). The only thing I've heard repeatedly is variations on, "It wasn't what I feared it would be."

On the flip side, ITROW, there are many, many more people out there who are monogamous under duress—people who were issued ultimatums by their families, cultures, religions, and their partners. While people are quick to recognize the plight of those who are non-monogamous under duress, the plight of those who are monogamous under duress goes unacknowledged.

All that said, ITROW, if you miss your ex and agreeing to give openness a chance is the only way to be with him, then you might wanna give openness a chance. But if the reality of non-monogamy makes you just as miserable as the thought of it, ITROW, then you’ll have to end this relationship a second time... which will be agony.

P.S. I'm hoping your ex-boyfriend is being honest when he says he wanted—or was open to—a monogamous relationship at the start. Nine months is a long time to string someone along if you know you're sitting on something most would regard as a dealbreaker. And I'm sorry, ITROW, but this is total bullshit: "[He] was waiting for a 'switch to flip' where he wouldn't want other women; when that didn't happen, he felt compelled to tell me." Not wanting to fuck other people isn't a prerequisite for making and/or honoring a monogamous commitment. Not fucking other people is. People in monogamous relationships are still attracted to other people.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org! Tickets to HUMP 2019 are on sale now! Get them here!