WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.

Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an AIDS outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”

“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”

The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.

Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.