Guess what, California. Donald Trump, who’d love for us to fall into the ocean even if he loses his golf course, is running for president.

Again.

Assuming he doesn’t get impeached.

I know this because he, or one of his people, sent me a text asking for money. Why me? I’ve been on the mailing list ever since I signed up to attend a Trump rally in Arizona last year.


“They are trying to SABOTAGE us!” said the text I got from DJT Wednesday morning.

He did not specify who “they” are, but I assume myself and other enemies of the American people are part of the posse, along with a few million illegal immigrant voters who gave Crooked Hillary a landslide victory in California.

“I have no choice,” DJT went on. “I will completely DRAIN THE SWAMP. I trust you are with me. FIGHT BACK. Join. Donate.”

California has problems. But not Trump-level problems

I’m certainly in favor of draining all swamps, and we have a few polluted streams here in California. Finances in the office of the UC president could be better managed by golden retrievers, and the state tax board is a cesspool, to name just two embarrassments.


But as much as I’d love to write a check to a gazillionaire who won’t release his tax returns, I thought I should hold off until I find out whether Trump gets indicted. It’s hard to guess how it will play out, if only because Trump and his minions contradict their own contradictions six times a day on matters involving the Russians and the firing of the FBI director.

What’s with the texts, Donald?

Undaunted by any of that, or the appointing of a special prosecutor, Trump is asking for anywhere from $35 to $2,700 from supporters. But in the text sent to me, the $100 option on the donation menu was highlighted, with a box I could check to make it an automatic monthly gift. I’m supposed to send the money to the Trump Tower, according to the instructions.

But how can Trump ask me for money when he despises everything my state stands for and says we’re out of control, just because half the population is undocumented?

This is the guy who is withholding a $647-million federal grant that would help Caltrans reduce pollution by upgrading to cleaner trains in Silicon Valley. He threatened to pull federal funding from UC Berkeley when violent protests led to cancellation of a speech by professional gasbag Milo Yiannopoulos. And he might challenge the tough emissions standards that have helped cut smog in California.


The day Trump’s request for handouts landed in my mail bag, I opened The Times and saw a story on Trump’s pick for the No. 2 post in the Interior Department. Bettina Boxall’s story came with a photo of the smiling nominee, David Bernhardt, who was crouched next to a dead moose the size of a 747.

It is not clear whether Bernhardt shot Bullwinkle, but he does hail from Rifle, Colo., I kid you not. And it’s worth noting that the Interior Department provided the photo, as in, Hey, here’s Trump’s pick for deputy secretary in charge of protecting natural resources, and HE JUST BROUGHT DOWN A MOOSE!

So long, national monuments?

In other Interior Department news of interest to Californians, Trump has ordered the agency to review protections at 27 national monuments, presumably to see if they can be put to better use as Chevron stations or fracking farms.

Any doubt that Trump intends to stick it to us is erased when you see that no state has more monuments on the list than we do, with six (Berryessa Snow Mountain, Carrizo Plain, Giant Sequoia, Mojave Trails, Sand to Snow in San Bernardino County, and the San Gabriel Mountains).


Bernhardt, as Boxall reported, has long lobbied to upend Interior Department protections. His firm has sued Interior four times on behalf of Westlands Water District, with Bernhardt personally challenging endangered species protections for California salmon. He also lawyered for Cadiz Inc., which wants to run a water line over a railroad right-of-way on federal land in the Mojave, and his company raked in $2.75 million in lobbying fees from Cadiz.

In other words, he’s a thorn in the side of California environmentalists, so he’s perfect for the Trump administration. And he would join an all-star cast of special-interest operatives from Wall Street, energy and elsewhere who are now draining the swamp, refilling it with champagne and crude oil, and policing the very industries that made them rich.

Speaking of oil, Trump’s executive order to consider new offshore drilling has California activists in rebellion, even though our coast was not specifically part of the order. Still, the enviros stand ready to man kayaks, paddleboards and gunboats to defend our offshore treasures, particularly given the president’s call to review marine sanctuaries.

The California coast: worth protecting from Trump. (Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)


Many people predict we’ll escape the threat, because oil prices are too low now to warrant costly excavation, and because California has so many regulatory barriers in place. But the only thing green about Trump is money, and he’s surrounded himself with mastodons. If he could get away with it, Trump would drill at Sea World and turn the Santa Monica Ferris wheel into an oil derrick.

“My reading of the Trump administration is that they would like everywhere to be open to drilling,” said Katie Davis, president of the Santa Barbara chapter of the Sierra Club.

She’s one of hundreds who protested last month when Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke gave a speech in Santa Barbara — site of the last major oil spill in the U.S., in 1969 — after the executive order to consider new drilling.

“We had to show that Santa Barbara is firmly opposed,” said Davis.


The other California

Not all Californians are anti-Trump, as you know, because we’ve got red states within our own borders. One guy wrote me this week to call my newspaper a hate-speech toilet filled with vomit news.

“P.S. Why don’t you go get a real job?” he asked.

I have no useful skills or experience, that’s why. Outside of working on an assembly line at Continental Can for three months during college break in Northern California, I’ve never had a real job, and I’d never give up this fake one as long as Trump is in office.

Another reader wrote to me this week to say I’m out of step with “the average person in this country,” who thinks Trump “is doing great.”


With all due respect to the average person, I’d say that when the word “Watergate” is in the news, a special prosecutor is appointed, members of your own party have run out of words to describe the spectacle, and there are more flip-flops in the White House than in the entire state of California, that’s not a particularly great week.

Anyone is free to disagree, but as a native Californian, that’s the way I see it, and I promise to keep writing as much fake news as I can.

Get more of Steve Lopez’s work and follow him on Twitter @LATstevelopez

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