Scots delighted at imminent prospect of independence after Boris Johnson categorically rules it out

After Boris Johnson gave a cast-iron guarantee that there will not be a second referendum on Scottish Independence, many Scottish nationalists have finally begun to believe they are on the verge of independence.

Boris’ cast-iron guarantee comes just a few weeks after his last cast-iron guarantee – that Brexit will definitely happen on 31 October – leading many Scottish nationalists to wonder if they might even be fully independent by Christmas.

As the untidy haystack spewed more falsehoods mixed with Latin, Scots both sides of the border almost cracked a smile at the realisation the independence dream is closer than ever.

Simon McWilliams told us, “I’ll be honest, I genuinely thought independence was probably out of the question for at least another five years. We’ll keep demanding it, obviously, but we never really thought it would happen.

“Until Boris categorically said wouldn’t, and now we can’t help but think we’re on the verge!

“The more he says it’s definitely no happening, the more we believe it is. If he would just mention something about him rather being dead in a ditch than seeing Scotland independent, I think we’d crack open the Buckfast!”

A Conservative party spokesperson said, “Boris has definitely ruled out a second Scottish independence referendum, and it’s a promise that he fully intends to keep.

“No, not like that one. No, or that one. No, not like his marriage vows either. Yes, I can see where you’re going with this, but trust us, this is a promise he will definitely keep.

“Please stop laughing.”