HAMILTON, OH—Noting that his younger cousin Alex Connors had nearly completed second grade, local child Peter Brooks, 10, told reporters Tuesday that he believed it was time for him to sit down with the 8-year-old and have a frank, completely uninformed sex talk. “It’s a big day in a boy’s life when his cousin takes him behind his parents’ garage, sits him down, and shows him a picture of a naked lady he ripped out of a magazine he found behind the baseball field, but I really think Alex is ready for it,” Brooks told reporters, noting that he hoped to answer all of his cousin’s burning questions about procreation, pregnancy, and “how far you put it up there” by drawing on the vast misguided knowledge of human sexuality he had gleaned from classmates’ hearsay as well as 12 minutes of a Real Sex episode he watched in a hotel room once. “The fact is, Alex is at the age where he’s going to find out one way or another that every time people have sex the woman has a baby, and I just want him to be completely prepared before getting naked with a girl and humping her until stuff comes out. Honestly, I wish someone had been there to explain it all to me back when I was his age.” The 10-year-old concluded by assuring reporters that he was well prepared for the talk, having had sex with girls himself on “tons” of prior occasions.

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