For the past six years, I’ve been obsessed with the topic of confidence — how to get it, how to raise it, and how to keep it. My preoccupation grew out of fierce battles with insecurity while growing up, and out of learning to navigate life as a highly sensitive person who feels everything more intensely.

My obsession really took hold when I noticed a strikingly similar pattern among my coaching clients. Smart and highly accomplished people, they also had thoughts like:

“I’m falling behind in my career.” “No matter how much I do, it’s never enough.” “I want to start a business, but I fear looking foolish.”

Anyone who has tried to embark on a professional or personal goal is familiar with this voice of the inner critic — the one that says things like “you’re not good enough,” “this is a stupid idea,” or “nothing will ever work out.”

Common advice tells us to push these concerns away. We’re encouraged to keep hustling, try harder, and do better. If you’re like me, that voice is also cautionary. It says if you stop pushing to achieve more, you’ll lose your edge, your status, your income, and more. Cue catastrophic thinking!

It’s hard to quiet that voice because it speaks some truth. Failing to work on your weaknesses leads to blind spots at best and delusional overconfidence on the opposite extreme. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting to be confident and ambitious.

Problems arise, however, when we try to achieve happiness solely by raising our self-esteem, which can be fragile. Too often, this approach leads to needless suffering and self-criticism.

The good news it that it’s possible to be driven and find inner peace. You do this by cultivating self-compassion instead of striving after higher self-esteem.