Washington D.C.—

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has reportedly been truant from his office since he recused himself from the FBI’s investigation into Russian collusion, and has been kept in a dungeon deep beneath the White House and only let out for occasional press conferences to pretend otherwise.

“It’s real humiliating,” explained a White House aide who only spoke to The Halfway Post on condition of anonymity to freely discuss the internal goings-on of the White House. “Trump has been very, very angry at Jeff for recusing himself from the Russia investigation, and Trump blames Jeff for not firing Robert Mueller when the investigation started. I’ve never seen the President more mad about anything else. Jeff’s only fed once a day, and his meals are just whatever is left of the President’s McDonalds orders at dinner. And Trump’s a big guy—he usually finishes it all, except maybe half of the last of his four big macs. If Trump is feeling generous, or if Trump believes Jeff has been performing well in his public appearances, the President will let Jeff lick the inside of his finished milkshake cup. You can’t tell under Jeff’s heavy studio makeup when he’s on TV, but his skin has turned a pale, pallid white from being locked up underground and away from the sun for so long.”

The White House declined to comment for this report.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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