A WOMAN is so sick of being asked when she is starting a family that she has begun to answer ‘when Satan spills his diabolical black spunk in my womb’.

31-year-old Nikki Hollis, who has been in a relationship for three years, is regularly questioned by family, friends and total strangers about when she plans to get pregnant even though it is none of their business.

She said: “I know society teaches us that if a woman hasn’t forced another human out of her vagina by the time she’s 30 she’s either a pitiable, barren freak or a foul witch, so I plumped for the latter.

“I’ve explained that we have to wait for a super blood wolf moon, for the full coven to assemble and perform the ritual, and for Lucifer himself to rise from his infernal realm to fill me with his malevolent spawn. It keeps me entertained.

“Mostly everyone’s stopped asking questions, though Marie in payroll who loves babies is already saying she can’t wait to see his darling little cloven hooves and stroke the mark of the beast on his head. Takes all sorts.”

Hollis’s mother Dorothy said: “I’m so desperate for grandchildren that I’d welcome the son of Beelzebub at this point. All babies are evil anyway.”