If it’s Christmas, it must be time to learn what America shoved inside itself. The only worthwhile holiday tradition pushes on.


All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and they are occasionally not for the faint of spirit. If I may offer one universally good piece of advice, it would be to make sure the base is flared.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

BOBBY PIN



SMALL RED TOY



“WAS RUNNING WITH A STICK IN EAR; FELL STRIKING WALL”



BREAD



BATTERY



“FELL ASLEEP WITH A PENCIL POKED IN HIS RIGHT EAR, PENCIL LEAD IN EAR CANAL”



BROOM STRAW



SLIM METAL ROD



“STUFFED PAPER TOWEL IN EARS TO ACT AS EAR PLUGS BECAUSE ROOMMATE WAS SNORING, UNABLE TO GET IT OUT OF EAR”



PUTTY



A BEAN



“GASOLINE IN LEFT EAR WHILE CHANGING FUEL FILTER”



PENCIL SHAVINGS



STEM OF A PLASTIC FLOWER



RAIN WATER



TWO STICKERS STUCK TOGETHER



“GOOGLY EYE INSIDE HIS RIGHT EAR, AND ANOTHER THROUGH NOSE”



Nose

CANDY WRAPPER



FUZZY ARTS AND CRAFTS BALL



“SHOVED PLASTIC TOY UP IN BOTH NOSTRILS”



GUM



PINK BALLOON



WAD OF HAIR



“HOLDING A BOX OF JUICY JUICE AND THE STRAW WENT UP NOSTRIL”



HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE PENDANT



“PLAYING WITH A DIME ABOVE HEAD AND LOOKED UP WITH COIN FALLING INTO NOSE”



“STUCK HAIRPIN INTO NOSTRIL TRYING TO CLEAR BLOOD CLOT FROM NOSEBLEED”



FISHTANK GRAVEL



FISHING LURE



BABY BOTTLE NIPPLE



ONE MAGNET IN EACH NOSTRIL



Throat

OPEN SAFETY PIN



CIGARETTE



“A COUPLE PIECES OF DECORATIVE GLASS FROM A VASE”



DIARY KEY



EASTER EGG



“SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”



AQUARIUM THERMOMETER



“SWALLOWED EARRING IN HER SLEEP THAT WAS IN MOUTH WHENSHE FELL ASLEEP”



SEWING NEEDLE



“SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”



ANGEL’S TRUMPET SEED PODS



GRITS



“A GOLDEN SHINY PENNY”



“WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A QUARTER”



GROW CAPSULE



CONFETTI



“FOUND AFTER SWALLOWING 1/2 PACK OF GUM IN ROOM AT HOME, EMPTY WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE”



HOT SAUCE PACKET



“INJURED AFTER EATING CHARGING END OF CELL PHONE”



EARWIG



“SWALLOWED 3 PLASTIC PUSH-PINS IN A DARE AT SCHOOL, WON $15"


Penis

A LITTLE SCREW



A SHARP TOY



FOUR INCH LONG METAL SEX TOY



PLASTIC SPOON



PIECE OF DOMINO



PIECE OF PLASTIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE



“PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”



COAXIAL CABLE



Vagina

SCENTED SOAP



DEODORANT LID



“WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”



BOTTLECAP



PENIS RING WITH SPIKES ON IT



A PIECE OF RUSTY METAL



SILICON BALLS. PATIENT STATES IS FOR “YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES TOWN”



A BALL



BIKE REFLECTOR



“ON PERIOD, INSERTED NON-BIRTH CONTROL SPONGE IN VAGINA SO SHE COULD SWIM”



HEADPHONES



HOT TOWEL



“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”



CLAY



CANDLESTICK



LOLLIPOP



“USING MASSAGING URETHRAL VAGINAL STONE BALLS & THE STRING HOLDING 15 BALLS TOGETHER DISSOLVED, CAN ONLY FIND 14 BALLS”



TOY MAGIC WAND



Rectum