The Funny 115 - The Third One





#111. The New Adventures of Pissed-Off Christine

South Pacific - episodes 1-8









Hates Benjamin













Like most Survivor fans, I'm not really a big fan of the Redemption Island twist.



In general, I think RI a silly concept, and I think that RI scenes bog down the episodes with way too much meaningless nonsense. I also think it's ridiculous that the challenges are hyped up as "duels" when all they are is dinky little carnival games.



Plus, between you and me, we all know that the only reason Redemption Island ever existed at all was so the producers were guaranteed to have Boston Rob and He Who Shall Not Be Named in more than one episode.



The Golden Boy



However...



I don't hate Redemption Island as much as you think I would.



And the reason why is because it can sometimes turn minor Survivor characters into big fun, significant Survivor characters.

For Exhibit A, you simply have to look at Christine Shields-Markoski in Survivor: South Pacific.



One of the greatest pre-merge characters ever



If you will, let's have some fun as we recap Christine's entire story of woe in South Pacific. Which, again, only could have happened because that season had Redemption Island. See, Redemption Island isn't always a terrible thing.



Let's journey to the vortex of hell as we witness Christine's descent into madness.



Christine on day one in South Pacific. This may literally be the last time she smiles all game.



Okay, so Christine is there on the beach on day one with her tribe, the Upolus.



She seems excited.



She seems ready to go.







Look how happy she is



And then, in probably the quickest downfall in Survivor history, Probst drops the hammer onto her.



Oh, and by the way, this douche is going to be on your tribe



Yep, that's right. It's time for the return of Coach on the Funny 115!



Only, this time around, he is the bad guy.



Oh sweet, we're getting a former Survivor on our team. I wonder who it will be?





Hey awesome, maybe it will be Ozzy!





Orrrrrrrrr, maybe not





Coach arrives, and Christine's happiness quickly turns to annoyance. Oh great. Now we have to deal with the Dragon Slayer.





And there he is. The sexually confident Coach Wade. Who not only once wrestled down a unicorn, he later made love to it.



Christine finds out that Coach is the newest player in the game, and she responds the only way that a true New York girl would know how to respond.



She mocks him.





Note: You should never taunt Happy Fun Ball.



Martin Luther King once said that Christine will now die by my hand



By the way, this is my favorite thing about Christine. Not only does she mock Coach the very first time she sees him, she then doubles down when Probst asks her what she thinks of him.



Now she gets another chance to take a dig at his ego.



"It's nice that they're here. But they are temporary players."









Papa Bear says oh snap



Okay, so now the rivalry has started. Christine has not only mocked Coach, she has also predicted he will be the first one voted out.



Which is perfect because he is the one that winds up on her tribe





Well this sure isn't awkward



Coach joins the Upolus, and that's that. We have one of the quickest natural rivalries in Survivor history.



It's going to be the Dragon Slayer against the Long Island Girl.



Coach remains a celebrity in Honduras





Christine gives him the side-eye





This is gonna be fun



By the way, for the record, Christine isn't the only one who thinks that Coach is ridiculous and that he shouldn't be here. Let the record show that the other Upolus kind of agree with her.



"There aint no dragons. Hell, he's in his forties. God."



Coach competes in the first challenge for Upolu, and Christine could not be less impressed.



Get ready to see the queen of the unimpressed facial reaction. We're gonna get a lot of these.



Seven people rooting for Coach, and then also Christine



Coach loses the first challenge for Upolu, and Christine says whatever.

They go back to camp, and Coach explains to the rest of the tribe how awesome he is and how amazing he is, and Christine says whatever.





And that was how I cut the head off Medusa and I rescued Andromeda





Sophie tells people she speaks Russian, and Coach immediatly pipes up that he knows more than her





Classic Coach one-upsmanship





What the hell?





Where the fuck did they get this guy?



Now, let's get this next part out of the way. Christine is not an especially good Survivor player. Yeah, I know, you'd think that the lady who immediately mocked the Survivor returnees would have a fantastic social game. Well, it turns out that she doesn't.



Once they get back to camp, Christine spends the majority of the first few days ignoring everyone else and hunting for the idol.



Which immediately puts a huge target on her back, and actually gets people to align with Coach.



Christine's strategy the first few days





And just like that, the queen of the social game finds herself on the outs with her tribe. And it doesn't make her very happy.



Get ready for a whole lot of fun Christine faces as she realizes the reality of her situation.



And you thought that Helen Glover was expressive.



Mocking Christine





Angry Christine





Sarcastic Christine





Suspicious Christine





"Fuck All Of You" Christine





I'm-not-sure-what-the-hell-this-is Christine





"I'm screwed!" Christine





Robert DeNiro Christine?



Seriously, we get all those different fun faces from Christine, and this IS ONLY IN TWO EPISODES!



Oh yeah, and I forgot the best one of them all.





"The world is gonna pay for this" Christine



But wait, we have barely even begun Christine's journey into madness.



Because now it starts to get really fun.



It's episode two, and Brandon sees a pretty girl (Mikayla) on his tribe. And he starts to get all date rapey





She must be destroyed before she breaks up my marriage



Brandon is insistent that Mikayla has to be voted out before she breaks up his marriage. So he goes around and he tells everyone on the tribe that Christine and Stacey are planning to vote for Mikayla.



Which causes a big furor when it comes out at the first Upolu Tribal Council.











EPISODE 2 - the first Upolu Tribal Council

The Dragon Slayer squares off against the Long Island Girl





Coach lays it all out on the line. He heard that Christine was trying to get Mikayla voted out tonight. Note Christine's awesome reaction to this information.





What the fuck? I said no such thing!





Coach stands by his story



And here we go. Another fun round of annoyed Christine faces.



Feel free to pick out your favorite.



































At one point she even mocks Coach for the fact that his feelings are still hurt because she said he was temporary.





Coach loves this, by the way. He is amused by her pluckiness and by the way she fights back with him.



"I love this girl. Long Island attitude, I love it."





Probst seems to love it too



But, alas. At the end of the day you know she's going home, and she is.



Bastards



And in a normal season, that would be it for a player like Christine.



A rare two episode superstar



But wait!



"This is a Redemption Island season. You will have a chance to get back in this game."



And thus begins part two of the Christine story.



Her reign of terror on Redemption Island, as she tries to get back in the game and get revenge against Coach.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget her amazing final words.



"I don't know what Coach had in mind, I don't know what his problem was. But he's a tool."



I know this entry is getting long but, again, thank god they had Redemption Island for a character like Christine. Because here we go. Now it is revenge time.



Get ready for even more of Christine getting pissy about stuff.

















Christine's first night on Redemption Island. Semhar asks her what it was like living with Coach.





"What is he like? He's a big fat pain in the ass."





Christine squares off with Semhar in the very first South Pacific duel wimpy carnival game.





Coach comes to watch. He can't wait to see the Long Island Girl go down in flames.





It doesn't happen





Christine! Stays alive!





Awww crap





Christine celebrates by throwing her pal Stacey a thumbs up





IT'S NOT A PICK IT'S A SCRATCH!





Episode 4 - Christine's next opponent on Redemption Island is the fearsome Spartan warrior, Papa Bear





Brandon is on the downswing of his bipolar cycle, so he decides to apologize to Christine for the way Upolu treated her at Tribal Council the other night









"I accept it. Whether I buy it or not is a different story."





Christine defeats Papa Bear and she stays alive!





Okay, now things are getting serious. Christine has won two duels carnival games in a row, and she is gaining a lot of momentum out on Redemption Island.



So the Upolus decide to throw her best friend Stacey against her and see if she can handle that.











Before the duel carnival game, Stacey goes on a great rant where she refuses to call Coach "Coach" anymore. She says they should only refer to him as Benjamin since that is his name.





So this is how you get revenge? You refuse to call him Coach anymore?





"Adults call him Benjamin, so I'm gonna call him Benjamin."



Christine, of course, is more than happy to get in on this.



Yeah sure, why not?





"Whether he likes it or not. He's Benjamin."





Let's fuck this guy's shit up





"Hey Savaii, Benjamin is running everything. Watch out for that guy."



* NOTE: Yes, I know that Stacey's rant is a lot better and a lot longer than that. But it's going to get its own entry later, so we'll just skip it for now.



Christine then wins her third duel carnival game in a row by defeating Stacey



It is at this point that Christine's revenge story is starting to become a problem. The Uplolus are not happy that she is spilling so many details at Redemption Island, and that she is telling people to watch out for Coach. And Coach is especially gonna be pissed now that the Savaiis are going to start calling him Benjamin. I mean, come on, Benjamin? What kind of a silly name is Benjamin? At least "Coach" is a good solid Christian name that people will respect.





Albert fumes after Christine goes on her Benjamin rant



Albert goes back to share the details with the rest of his tribe.



And Christine's revenge is now nearing its apex.



"She told everyone the alliance was me, you, and Sophie."





"That's disgusting"





"She is undercutting us every chance she gets."





That's terrible.





"Oh yeah and get this, she referred to you as Benjamin."





He loses his shit



And now we get one of the greatest angry Coach rants ever. Which is pretty impressive when you consider the source.



"If anyone calls me Benjamin to my face I'm gonna go nuts."





"I've been called Coach since I was eighteen."





"My parents call me Coach."



Yes, that's right. His parents even call him Coach.



I bet she doesn't even respect that I tried to spell out "Dragonslayer"



Score a direct hit for the Long Island Girl.



You just hit the Dragon Slayer right where it hurts.



"It just ruins my day."





"It sucks."



All this while, Christine's streak on Redemption Island keeps on being a problem.



First, she beats Elyse, in duel carnival game number four





Way to go, Christine.









You get that, you fuck?





Dang, this chick is hardcore





When even Sophie is impressed by your audacity, you know you're a badass.





Christine wins for the fourth time. She appears to be unstoppable. Benjamin, watch out.





Finally, in episode seven, Christine is matched up against Mikayla. One of the alpha marriage ruiners jocks of the Upolu tribe.





"Let's go, Mikayla. Please beat her."





No such luck. Christine wins again. In a massive upset.





Christine can't believe it. She is probably just one win away from coming back and taking down the Dragon Slayer.





She is like a piece of iron.



But just like that, that's when fate steps in and cruelly puts an end to her dreams. Blam.



It is the last duel carnival game before the winner comes back from Redemption Island. She is only one win away.





And who does she have to face?



Only the most unstoppable challenge force in the history of Survivor.



Ozzy





Are you kidding me?



Christine tries her best. She gives it her all. But in the end she falls just short.



Like just about everyone else in Survivor history, she is unable to beat Ozzy.



The Long Island Girl Slayer





So close



As Ace Ventura once said... in every contest, there is a winner and there is a loser.



Winner



And that, my friends, is why Redemption Island in a season is not always such a bad thing.



Our conquering hero





I hope she at least got a hug afterwards





P.S. Yes, I know Christine gave an interview where she said she wasn't actually giving the finger to Rick. She was actually giving it to Probst. Which is actually way more awesome when you think about it. Here is the interview where she says why she flipped off the host of Survivor.











P.P.S. Here is a great story about why Christine was cast on the show, and how it was only because she had such a big mouth. From an interview she gave to Reality TV World:







Reality TV World: How were you cast on Survivor -- how did you end up on the show?



Christine Shields-Markoski: It's pretty funny. I told the casting department that they suck at their job because they cast [NaOnka Mixon] and [Kelly "Purple Kelly" Shinn] and other people that quit, and they didn't cast me and I didn't quit. So, I told them how horrible they are at their job and if I did their job as poorly as they do their job, I'd be fired. So, I think they should be fired. (Laughs) So, yeah, they said, "Yeah, we want her -- the loud mouth from New York. Yeah, we'll take her."







