1. Women climax on demand. "Come for me [insert two-syllable name of erotica protagonist here]!" he commands, thus unleashing her, bringing us to:

2. "I come undone." A thing no woman has ever said, either aloud or in her own brain.

3. Women come from penetrative sex. This usually happens either after never having a single orgasm in her entire twentysomething years of life or never having an orgasm from penetration.

4. Women never have bad pain or hesitation when he wants to put something up their butts. Be it his penis, a butt plug (Hi, Mr. Grey will you see me now?), a finger. She surrenders all orifices without hesitation no matter what object he wants to put inside her when in the presence of her "sex god."

5. "My sex." It's called a clit.

6. "His length." It's called a dick.

7. Men are infinitely more sexually experienced than their partners. And he always somehow always knows more about her vagina than her even though vaginas/women's pleasure profiles are like snowflakes, no two alike.

8. Quivering thighs caused by sexual arousal. Have your thighs ever actually quivered outside of a really hard inner thigh set in barre burn?

9. Climaxing from almost nothing, like, he blows on her nipple. Or the sound of his voice alone. "He whispered softly and she came, fully, wildly, for hours." (No.)

10. No one sees anything when sex is had in a car. Even if the car is in a full garage or an open air and crowded parking lot. In erotica, two people can be boning in the driver's seat as thousands of people leave a Taylor Swift concert and no one will notice them and they will notice no one.

11. Desire "pools in [a woman's] belly." Every time a woman gets horny, be it mildly turned on or unbearably aroused, she describes the symptoms of a stomachache. Does she really want to be fucked or is what she really needs a Mylanta chewable?

12. UTIs don't exist. Even if he goes from butt sex to vaginal sex, no condom change or "length" washing in between. This is possibly erotica's worst lie.

13. The "sex god" likes to wash her hair when they take showers together. This always happens during the first shower. Ladies, raise your hand if your partner has ever offered to wash your hair? [No hands raised.] As soon as he's got some shampoo on her scalp, he's hard and banging her against the tiles which don't have any mildew because he's rich and has a housekeeper.

14. Shower sex is the HOTTEST THING EVER I COME UNDONE OMIGOD. Shower sex IRL is never as good as regs dry sex.

15. The couple does it like seven or eight times a day and still has time to go out to eat and work at jobs. He is always sporting an erection and dealing with it is like a full-time job.

16.Women have magical orifices that are not only resistent to infections but alo require no lube ever. She's always "so wet, so ready for [him]."

17. The relationship is always love/hate. And part of the reason she hates him is usually just because she made up some stuff in her head about him having a girlfriend, and rather than ask someone who would know, tortures herself over it for half the book.

18. She always loves giving blow jobs. And swallowing. She acts like his penis is a damn cupcake or something.

19. All guys are really super excellent at finger-banging. Finger-banging is like the vegan, gluten-free pizza of sex acts. It's never your first choice from the menu.

20. Finger-banging in public — like, you're at dinner with his boss — is common. Unless he is Gumby, his arms are not so long and bendy that no one notices him reaching down and twisting his elbow at an insane angle in order to finger-bang.

21. The man always has impeccable and sexy fashion sense.

22. And can dance really well at da club.

23. His penis is always the size of a firetruck.

24. The characters get aroused and speak with periods. Between. All. Their. Words. During. Dirty. Talk. She never laughs at or second guesses his dirty talk, or thinks it's anything but completely hot even though he's usually shit at it.

25. Everyone orgasms every time they have sex. The man, the woman, the woman again. If. Only.

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Amy Odell editor Amy Odell is the editor of Cosmopolitan.com.

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