CANADA – Early reports indicate that every person you would dread to see on your planned escape into one of Canada’s majestic national parks this summer will also be there thanks to the federal government’s initiative in making all Parks Canada passes free.

Having recently acquired a pass without charge, your plan to avoid the rest of humanity will be ruined by awkward run-ins, useless small talk, and failed efforts to avoid eye contact.

“I’m really looking forward to seeing Banff for the first time,” said your micromanaging boss who looks over your shoulder every twenty minutes correcting every small detail. “I can’t wait to see those glaciers! It’s going to be really fun!”

Other inside sources indicate that you will inadvertently set up camp beside at your ex partner at Cape Breton Highlands National Park causing you a tremendous amount of anxiety, ruining what you thought would be a time to let go and enjoy the ocean scenery.

On Facebook, your insufferable next door neighbours with their bratty kids and that damn dog that barks in the middle of the night announced that they too are going to interrupt your peace and quiet as they canoe through the Thousand Islands National Park. “I got my Discovery Pass,” said the irritating git whose forced conversations are more painful than a root canal. “Better get the paddles and life jackets ready!”

At press time, millions of Canadians reported that they were really looking forward to viewing the majestic free-pass human stampede trample over the last of Canada’s natural treasures.