TEAM CLIF BAR CYCLING CYCLOCROSS TEAM TOURS DOWNTOWN PROVIDENCE DUNKIN’ DONUTS

Dunkin’ Donuts is a Global Doughnut Company and Coffeehouse chain based in Canton, Massachusetts. Since it’s founding—in 1950— the company has grown to become one of the largest coffee and baked goods chains in the world with 10,858 stores in 33 different countries including Thailand, Qatar and Bulgaria. And South Korea. Dunkies’ menu features over 1,000 items, from doughnuts, bagels and other baked goods to a wide variety of hot and iced beverages, all of them sugary and full of previously airborne animal fat.

The Providence Bruins, an ice hockey team in the American Hockey League and the primary development team for the NHL’s Boston Bruins, play at the Providence, Rhode Island Dunkin’ Donuts Center, otherwise known as The Dunk.

In 2007, a local New England native journalist dude named Mike Millard wrote an article for the Boston Phoenix called “Choosing Our Religion: How One Little Post-War Doughnut Shop Became Synonymous with Boston’s Identity. In it he writes, “Dunkin’ Donuts is a lynchpin of our identity. It’s a religion. It’s a cult. People in these parts freaking love Dunkin’ Donuts.” Clearly Mike is Pumped & Jazzed about Dunkies’ importance and relevance and significance in regards to New England—the place, the people, the culture, the whole wicked deal. And then there’s how this article got published in the Boston Phoenix, whatever that is, which means the average/normal/regular people of New England probably agree 1000% with his assertion that Dunkin’ Donuts is like a really big deal.

We can’t find anything to support this despite spending like seven minutes inside in the internet trying to figure it out—and we’re good at the internet!—and we don’t personally known because Manual for Speed lives in Portland, Oregon and Brooklyn, New York, but according to eyewitness accounts and various testimonials, Dunkin’ Donuts serves their straight regular-style coffee with cream and sugar already in it. Which is #gross.

More importantly, Team CLIF Bar Cycling Cyclocross Team (TCBCCT) is Brady Kappius, Troy Wells and Ben Sonntag. In addition to being professional cyclocross racers these dudes are DTE whatever you put in front of them, especially if they only have to pretend eat whatever it is, and especially if it has sugar in it. And especially if it affords them the opportunity to go sightseeing ALL over downtown Providence, Rhode Island—named by religious exile Roger Williams in honor of God’s merciful Providence—aka Beehive of Industry aka the Creative Capital, and the Narragansett Bay.

Disclaimer: Brady, Troy and Ben (The German) do not condone and/or endorse the consumption of any and or all Dunkin’s products, and/or the patronizing of Dunkin’ Donut establishment for dozens of contractual and health and wellbeing-type reasons. This was a stunt and a failed taste-testing exercise—our original purpose and plan was to eat one of each of Dunkin’ Donuts’ doughnuts and subsequently rate them in a scientific double-blind manner. But then we got bored and did this instead.