With applications due in just a few months, students are scrambling to write essays that showcase their academic prowess and personalities. Here are some tips for writing a great college application essay.


Start by brainstorming a list of profound, once-in-a-lifetime experiences you’ve had that can serve as a metaphor for personal growth




Organically work in the fact that your dad is the senior senator from Nebraska



Find a creative angle, like writing the essay from the point of view of someone with a unique perspective




Make sure your essay has three distinct sections: the introduction, the body, and the part where you beg to get into Yale




Ask one of the other 17-year-old dipshits you know to read it over



Remember: No one is going to do the legwork required to confirm that your brother had cancer




Mention that you’re willing to take this to the Supreme Court if necessary



Hook your reader immediately with an attention-grabbing spelling error



A little spray of perfume on your essay will guarantee to make the admissions officer fall hopelessly in love with you




If your parents can afford to pay full tuition, be sure to lead with that

