Growing up, I had a real love affair with villains. I thought Snow White was annoying and the Evil Queen was a boss (Google it, eyebrows on fleek and, honestly, who rocks a cape better than a queen?). I was also a big fan of Jafar in his slinky gown and turban. I found that the shows and other media I truly loved as a child often dealt with darker themes and more nuanced characters (If you previously followed this blog, you already know about my love for the 1990’s cartoon Gargoyles).

I never discussed these interests with other people. As a kid, I thought that there must be something wrong with me if I was rooting for the bad guy. But recent trends towards more flawed and morally ambiguous protagonists, à la Walter White and Don Draper, has reawakened in me that love for the deliciously devious.

So this week, I bring you, my Top Five Baddest Bitches!

The “Gossip Girl” series of books shot to popularity in 2002 when I was a freshman in high school. And while everyone I knew was quite vocally Team-Serena, I was firmly in the Team-Blair camp. I thought of her as a kindred spirit.; she was smart, she was mean, and she loved olives. By the time the TV series came around I was a little too old for it, but totally watched it anyways. And the casting of Leighton Meester as Blair was pretty spot-on. She was surprising adept at throwing queen-caliber shade.

At the end of the day, Blair was stylish, conniving, and not to be upstaged by her more blonde and more boring counterpart. There is nothing I love more than a brunette with a mean streak.

Ursula was my first villain-crush. She was funny, over-dramatic, and powerful, which is a winning combination in my book! It wasn’t until I was firmly into adulthood that I realized her make-up game was on point.

As a kid, I was always torn because, like most little girls, I had vivid day dreams about sprouting a fish-tail and living under the sea with a weird crab… but I guess octopus tentacles worked too, right?

As the predecessor to Louis Belcher, there is no one I wish I were related to more than Wednesday Addams. I already loved the “Addams Family” series, but none of them spoke to me quite like the daughter. I would often watch and re-watch the early 90’s movies just to try and memorize Christina Ricci’s lines. There was something about Wednesday that validated everything I felt about not fitting in, expect that she embraced it! She was openly hostile to the stupidity foisted on her by adults who didn’t understand her. She lived her fictional life with a kind of courage and chutzpah I could only imagine at that age.

To kid-Natalie Wednesday was the embodiment of everything I wished I was, she was brave, she was powerful, and her braids didn’t fall apart half way through math class.

The best compliment anyone ever gave me was that my haircut and black dress were “so Claire Underwood”. If you haven’t yet watched “House of Cards”, do yourself a favor and watch at least the first season. Claire seems, to me, to represent everything that a modern woman should be: classic, intelligent, and very fucking dangerous. Robin Wright (who is FLAWLESS) told Vanity Fair that, “I can’t see her as evil and cunning. To me, she’s utilitarian and efficient..” But there is so much more than that. Claire is a fascinating and deeply complex character. She is (SPOILER ALERT) a professional, a rape survivor, a woman who has had multiple abortions, a caring and accepting wife, a cold-hearted calculator, and an accomplished politician in her own right. As a first lady, she gives Jackie O a styled run-for-her-money.

If you want to talk about powerful fictional bad bitches, Claire is almost unbeatable.

In my opinion, Lucille Bluth, played by Jessica Walter and most certainly the inspiration for Mallory Archer (another one of my faves), will always be the number one baddest bitch of all time. As the matriarch of the famously dysfunctional Bluth family, Lucille manages to take control of her husband’s company while manipulating her children into relationship dynamics that ultimately serve her. She is the epitome of an HBIC.

To simply list her crimes (degrading her daughter at every chance, using the Bluth company as her personal checking account, blatantly racist management tactics with various maids, lording over her youngest child in order to keep him from ever growing up, etc…) would do a disservice to the woman herself. She is a master schemer. And from what I can tell, she is self-aware in a way that is rare for women on television. Yes, Lucille is pretty bad, but she seems keenly aware of it and doesn’t apologize for it. She also doesn’t delude herself into thinking that she’s a victim or in the right. She knows what she’s doing, she knows it’s wrong, but she does it anyway. And when she gets caught, she fights. She does not go meekly into the night, she does not surrender, she takes her destiny into her own hands. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes her a true force to be reckoned with.

You can get on her side, or you can get out. Either way, this martini guzzling, shade throwing, power grabbing gangie is everything I aspire to be at “forty” years of age. #poweroverpretty

So, who are your favorite bad bitches?

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