The Mill has a recurring nightmare in which it shares an apartment with José Mourinho. In this ghastly vision Mourinho wakes up early every morning and goes to the bathroom. Then he stays sitting on the toilet for the entire day. The Mill’s frantic banging on the bathroom door is an epic symphony to his ears. The Mill ends up messing itself. Mourinho looks in the mirror and smirks. He is a champion again.

Transfer window 2017 – every deal in Europe's top five leagues Read more

That nightmare story may sound like a trumped-up excuse for wetting the bed and, OK, fair cop. But it is also true that Mourinho’s approach to football matches seems to be about frustrating and humiliating the opponent, as if all Mourinho really wants to do is stop the other team from doing what they want to do. Bearing that in mind, Manchester United’s latest manoeuvre in the transfer market might really tickle him. Because word is that United are going to disburse a world record fee to sign Romelu Lukaku, solving their striking problems and, crucially, thwarting Chelsea’s plans. Could Lukaku turn out to be a more mobile version of Zlatan Ibrahmovic? Don’t be silly. Could he at least lead the line well for United and convert some of those chances that they kept missing last season? Probably. Could he score for someone else if United have him? Absolutely not. Result!

Thus United may make getting Lukaku one of the conditions of allowing Wayne Rooney to go on his Proustian tour of Goodison Park.

To be honest, the Mill has been expecting United to wade in with a bid for Virgil van Dijk this summer just to annoy Liverpool but there’s no indication of any such move just yet. Mourinho isn’t even making a move for Philippe Coutinho but that sure doesn’t mean that Liverpool can rest easy: because Paris Saint-Germain are said to be preparing a bumper bid for the Brazilian. The French club is trying to sweeten the deal by chucking in Lucas Moura, knowing that Jürgen Klopp can’t resist a nimble winger.

Speaking of French clubs, Bordeaux are hopeful of ending Nampalys Mendy’s short stay at Leicester. And Marseille want to continue their revamp by prising Munir El Haddadi from Barcelona and Carlos Bacca from Milan.

Sean Dyche’s attempt to turn Burnley into the 27th county of the Republic of Ireland will continue apace as he completes the signing of Jon Walters, who will join Robbie Brady, Jeff Hendrick, Stephen Ward and Kevin Long on the playing staff at Murph Moor. On the way out of Burnley, meanwhile, is Andre Gray, presumably to make room for Niall Quinn. Gray is expected to resurface at West Ham.

Wayne Rooney back at Everton would be a fairytale – but it may well end in tears | Paul Wilson Read more

Huddersfield’s preparations for their first top-flight campaign since before Britain joined the European Economic Community will continue with the capture of the defender Mathias Jorgensen from FC Copenhagen.

Watford want to rekindle their relationship with Nathaniel Chalobah, who previously won hearts at Vicarage Road during a loan spell away from Chelsea, who continue to like him at arm’s length.

Birmingham are hopeful the esteem in which Southampton hold Harry Redknapp will help smooth through a loan bid for the striker Sam Gallagher. The Mill fancies that it might be wise to have a back-up plan for that one.