Kyle Walker has been criticised for his decision to furlough two of his regular Brazilian prostitutes amidst the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic. The Manchester City defender insists he is only following the lead set by several Premier League clubs.

Costs

“These things happen in a pandemic,” the England international told Soccer on Sunday. “I have a pay cut on the way and need to look at my costs, whether that’s dishwasher tablets or Brazilian hookers. I’m only doing what any responsible horny millionaire would do.”

“Crystal and Lola won’t be out of pocket,” said Walker. “All that’s happening is I’m paying for 20% of every blowjob, and the taxpayer is picking up the other 80% of the blowjob. As I say, it’s very straightforward.”

“Oh yes, don’t forget to wash your hands and stay in,” he added. “Yada yada.”