Choosing the perfect hair can be difficult, especially when you have no clue which hairstyle is good or bad for you. But don’t fret for I, Kylo Ren, leader of the Knights of Ren, am here to help. I have compiled the best and worst hairstyles in the entire galaxy in an effort to help you with your hair Do’s and Dont’s. Hair Do’s

Young Anakin Skywalker

Marvel at my grandfather’s bowl cut. Even as a child, I think it’s pretty obvious he is already very fashionable with his hair. I mean, look at that bowl cut! Incredible! The symmetry of the cut is just plain amazing. I just can’t get enough of the layered look in this cut, which gives the style more structure and refinement. Also, not only is it very good looking but it’s highly functional as well. The hairstyle’s aerodynamic properties have made it very useful in many of grandfather’s pod races. (If you recall he won his last race by a hair.) The cut may look simple at first glance – something any old slave could wear, but don’t be fooled, it’s a highly elaborate cougar trap. This ‘do attracts women much, much older than its wearer. Just look at my grandmother Padmé. Apparently even the Queen of Naboo could not resist the charm of the “Moe.”

How to achieve this hairstyle:

You can’t achieve this amazingly perfect bowl cut that easily. You have to be the ‘chosen one.’ You can’t choose the bowl cut, the bowl cut has to choose you. However, if you wish to indulge yourself in a second rate bowl-cut, going to your local barbershop is the answer.

Padawan Anakin Skywalker

There is something unique in my grandfather’s version of this hairstyle that differentiates itself from all the hundreds, possibly thousands, of padawans that have already donned it. But what is it? We’ll find out by comparing my grandfather’s Padawan portrait to Obi-wan’s own padawan days.

So what exactly is different? A lot, I can tell you that. The first thing is their hairline, Obi-Wan’s hairline is weird and M shaped, while my grandfather’s is perfectly sculpted and rectangular. The very definition of masculinity.

Next, the Padawan braid length. Obi-Wan’s braid is too long, giving him a ratty and rather unkempt appearance. My grandfather, on the other hand, got the length just right. It’s long enough to be draped down his shoulder in a casual and elegant manner, but it is still short in a way that gives him a very groomed appearance.

The last thing that I have to point out is the use of hair ties. Upon closer investigation, Obi-Wan’s preferred hair tie is a plain old yellow band. Very boring. But look at my grandfather’s hair tie – it’s blue and red. The effort he made to find the perfect color coordination is staggering! Look how lively these colors made his normal braid look. Such a tiny detail contributed to this amazing hairstyle. I think everyone here agrees with me that my grandfather rocked this hairstyle like no one else ever has since.

How to achieve this hairstyle:

The first step in creating this hairstyle is having a high midichlorian count. Like the Force, not everyone can rock this hairstyle, except for a few chosen ones. However, if you want to become a Padawan wanna-be, all you have to do is cut your hair in a short and trimmed style, while sporting a long thin braid down the side of your head. If you’re not man enough to grow hair, like the man-child Hux, you can buy clip-ons… you Captain Babypants you.

Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker

Now this is the kind of hair I am very proud to have inherited. I’m really lucky to have my grandfather’s halo of soft curls instead of my father’s weak and brittle pathetic excuse for hair. Jedi Knight Anakin’s hairstyle really contributed to his “emotionally troubled, but still looking amazing” character. I mean, just look how glorious his sandy blonde curls are, how fluffy and light. Amazing in ways my father’s hair could never hope to achieve. This look just screams edgy and daring, just like my grandfather’s persona. His hair’s aerodynamic property has not lost its touch over the years as well, for you can see his hair whipping around his face in a glorious manner multiple times. If I had a lock of his amazing hair, I’d keep it alongside his Vader helmet.

How to achieve this hairstyle:

Many techniques can be used to achieve this hairstyle. (P.S. All of this really works. Trust me, I tried it.)

Massaging your scalp and hair frequently is the most natural way for thick and fluffy hair. Massaging oil (not cooking oil you fool!) into your hair a few hours before bathing keeps your hair manageable. Almond oil or castor oil usually gets the job done. Washing your hair head-down is also a very useful tip, for it promotes blood circulation in your head. Blood in your head = healthier head. Avoid rubbing your hair dry with a towel, it will make your hair unhappy. Instead, wrap your hair in a towel and let it soak the moisture. I do this all the time, and it makes me feel like an absolute diva. Drink plenty of water. Hydrate the hustle as they say. GET RID OF SPLIT ENDS. If you don’t, you will bear the weight of having bad hair for the rest of your life. Split ends is the bane of our hair’s existence. It makes our hair dry, frizzy and appear to be sticking out in every direction. So please, get rid of it as soon as possible.

Darth Vader

Almost burning to death and old age really can’t stop my grandfather from looking fabulous. Even with no hair, he still rocked that chrome dome like nobody’s business. Some of you might think his hairstyle is flawed, because of the scar on top of his head, but you’d be wrong. That little imperfection just added character into his overall look, making it even better. I think that Darth Vader’s hairstyle is one of my favorites on this list, and I can honestly say that the Force is strong in his scalp.

How to achieve this hairstyle:

You can’t. Nobody else can rock my grandfather’s look. However, if you’re really persistent, setting yourself on fire may be the first step towards this look. I am willing to personally help you with this.

Kylo Ren

As you all can see, I have inherited my grandfather’s glorious mane. Something I am very proud of and would be eternally grateful. My hair is soft, silky and manageable, making me look like the galaxy’s hottest force-user ever. (Alongside my grandfather of course) My hair had captured the hearts of many, even the scavenger scum! Could you see how Rey reacted when I removed my helmet? She practically stopped breathing. I know you love me, girl, but I have no interest in pursuing a romance with a sand rat bearing such an atrocious hairstyle. Many women have long to touched my dark, luscious curls the first moment they lay eyes on me. Admit it, Rey, you’re one of them. Get in line.

How to achieve this hairstyle:

Having hair this fabulous is hard work, and even if I share you my technique, I doubt you can keep up.



Hair Don’ts

Obi-Wan Kenobi

There are so many things to hate about this hairstyle that I don’t even know where to begin. Clearly the Force is NOT strong with this one. Now I see where my insolent uncle adopted his ridiculous hairstyle. Being a Jedi master doesn’t mean that you need to look like a desert hobo. My grandfather really made the right choice in killing him, I mean, he practically did him a favor. With hair that bad you’ll just lose all will to live anyway.

Reasons why you should not have this hairstyle:

People will think you’re crazy and you’ll be forced to live your whole life alone in a desert.

How to avoid this hairstyle:

Apply conditioner daily. However, you should not wash your hair too often because it might get rid of your natural oils and cause your hair to dry. Washing your hair every other day is sufficient. If you’re on your later years, using hair products that specialize in hair loss, thinning and dry hair is a must. Stick to that routine and you won’t end up with a hairball on top of your head like some crazy old wizard.

Leia Organa

One look at my mother’s regretful face tells you everything you need to know about this look. A single bun is enough. This two-sided breakfast combo is just a bad idea. It made her look like an adult, melodramatic Pucca. But it’s never too late for repentance, or so they say. Thankfully, my mother got rid of this horrible hair-don’t in favor of more….presentable ones. Needless to say, I’m glad that she finally re-gained her senses.

Reasons why you should not have this hairstyle:

The main problem with this hairstyle is that it messes up your hearing. I remember when I was younger, I’d have to yell a couple of times that we ran out of conditioner before mom would hear me.

How to avoid this hairstyle:

There’s no problem if you want to share your love for cinnamon buns with others, but for Force’s sake, doing it in hair form is just a downright crime. My advice: ‘Don’t let your love of pastries rule your hair decisions.’ Just follow that and you’ll be good.

Rey

What’s worse than two buns? Three. This scavenger scum really isn’t picky with how her hair looks. The amount of grease in her hair alone is enough to power a TIE fighter. And as if the grease in her hair were not enough, this padawan wanna-be has awful taste in hairstyles as well. In my opinion, she really needs someone to teach her the ways of hairdressing.

P.S. I can’t see a picture of the scavenger scum sporting her God awful hairstyle, so I just used this painting made by Miguel Mercado as an example. See? Even Rey does not post her pictures online because she does not want other people to see how horrible her hair is.

Reasons why you should not have this hairstyle:

First of all, it provides enemies not one, not two, but three holds if they ever decided to rip at your head. I hope at this point, she has realized that hair trilogies don’t usually go as well as you hope.

How to avoid this hairstyle:

Greasy hair is a major turn off. So I highly recommend that you wash your hair daily so it can look as clean and fluffy as mine. I know that during the hotter days, you may want to keep your hair away from your face as much as possible. But like I said earlier, a simple bun is enough, triple buns is just criminal.

General Hux

Can I just say that Hux is a good for nothing, space-Nazi wanna be? He is nothing but a chump that is clearly ripping off Hitler’s hair. Hux is not even man enough to grow his own facial hair, so he’s now stuck as a half-assed man-boy. The General’s hair is way too flat and he has hair loss problems. Do you have any idea how much of his hair had been pulled out from the drain? Disgusting. He can never, ever, compare to my own fluffy mane. So as a final verdict, I declare that his hair is a fail. Pretty much like his life story.

P.S. Here’s photo proof of how he is stealing Hitler’s look. I took it upon myself to draw him with a mustache, since he’s not even man enough to grow one himself.

Reasons why you should not have this hairstyle:

Having space Nazi hair is a no-no and I guarantee you, this hairstyle is not popular with the ladies. Also, his hair is thinning and I estimate he’ll go bald after a few years. Look out Leader Snoke!

How to avoid this hairstyle:

In avoiding this hairstyle, not idolizing Hitler seems like a pretty good start. However, to avoid hair loss, all you have to do is: Avoid the use of hair dryers, perms, hair dyes and bleach.

Han Solo

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

That is probably what my father thought after the barber showed him his new hairstyle.

What else can I say about this? My father’s hair is aging, brittle, and has split-ends. Split-ends! His hair is weak and pathetic just like him. It seems that even he himself is aware of how bad his hair looks, which is why he’s downright suicidal. It’s truly the biggest disappointment in his life, even more so than me. I’d like to think that I did him a favor by granting him the sweet release of death, like what my grandfather did to Obi-wan. It’s times like this that I get extremely thankful for the fact that I inherited my grandfather’s glorious mane instead.

Reasons why you should not have this hairstyle:

No one wants weak and brittle hair, so you should probably steer away from this hairstyle as much as possible. Plus, it’s proven that if you stick with this hairstyle for the rest of your life, your wife will eventually break up with you.

How to avoid this hairstyle:

First off, too much light and sun can cause you hair to dry and make it brittle. So If you want hair as amazing as mine, join the dark side. It offers perfect protection from the light. If you want to bring your dead hair back from the dead, you may want to apply pure olive oil evenly to make it light and manageable. And if you’re looking for a way to get rid of those blasted split-ends, all you have to do is pour raw honey in a large bowl, dip your split-ends in, and work its way up. Wrap it up in a towel and leave it there for at least 40 minutes. Works every time, trust me.