Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post anonymously received this leaked transcript of a recent phone call from President Donald Trump to Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller:

TRUMP: How are you doing Bob? Can I call you Bob?

MUELLER: I’d prefer if you didn’t.

TRUMP: Okay Mr. Mueller. How are the kids? You’re probably wondering why I called—

MUELLER: I’m hanging up right now—

TRUMP: Wait, wait, wait, don’t hang up. I have a question for you that doesn’t, in anyway, involve your investigation.

MUELLER: What is it?

TRUMP: I think we got off on the wrong foot when we met.

MUELLER: I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve simply been doing my job.

TRUMP: Well, what do you say we start over, and just begin a new relationship?

MUELLER: That’s fine with me.

TRUMP: Perfect, I knew you’d see things my way. You’re a reasonable man, I knew you’d agree to leave Don Jr. alone and just let him learn the lesson not to take meetings with Russians. He’s a good kid, and he’s really just a kid. Even if you were going to prosecute him—which you totally just promised you wouldn’t—he wouldn’t be tried as an adult anyway.

MUELLER: I promised no such thing. And Don Jr. is almost 40 years old. He will very much be tried as an adult.

TRUMP: Bob, Bob, Bob. You really don’t want to do this. Let’s just say I have powerful friends in powerful positions with certain leverage over certain people…

MUELLER: What are their names?

TRUMP: There’s John Smolkoff, Alexie Rolenov, Alan Dominski—wait, I know what you’re doing. Forget all those names—I’ve never even heard of those people before. Fake news! Fake news!

MUELLER: Does your lawyer know you’re calling me?

TRUMP: Uh—

MUELLER: Anything else you want to ask me?

TRUMP: Okay, fine. Can we please just forget all this? I’m trying to make America great again. I didn’t know the law, big deal. Now I know the law. So can’t I just get a do over here? It’s not my fault I didn’t know the law. I’m not a politician. Technically I’m not even an American since I don’t pay taxes—wait, dammit!

MUELLER: Do you realize this call is being recorded? You called my FBI phone.

TRUMP: Yeah, well I’m recording on my end, too. Yeah. So I hope you’re okay with me releasing MY tapes!

MUELLER: Do you ever think about anything you say before you say it?

TRUMP: Please. Please. Bob, please. Bob. Please? Can’t you do me a favor, just this one time? You owe me. Come on, Bob, just be cool. Dude, please be cool? Dude. Dude—

[Mueller hangs up, end of recording.]

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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