In an extraordinarily rare instance of honesty from the Democratic Party, Maxine Waters admits that she, along with Nancy Pelosi, conspired against the United States of America with help from Russian Intelligence.

“Yeah we did it” Waters was quoted as saying. “But I’m Black, so I can’t be held accountable.The Russians promised me Cunton [sic?] would win as long as I continued to feed them our State Secrets. Obviously, the Russians lied. So, So they outta be the ones in trouble for lying. Them and Pelosi. She set this whole thing up. There we were, talking about our next steps in destroyi… I mean rebuilding America. Then Juan, the gardener says that we should talk to the Russians. His idea was good, but he should have known better then to interrupt me, so I had him executed. But like I was saying Pelosi, and the Russians should be the one’s in trouble. It’s all Trump’s fault. Also, I’m black.”

She continued on babbling unintelligibly for roughly an hour until I pulled out a dog treat from a bag and fed it to her to get her to calm down. Once she had finished, I thought “okay let’s move on.” Apparently though, it was nap time for Maxine. So, after relieving herself(?) on my new rug, she finally managed to curl up and fall asleep. Unfortunately, I had to burn my new rug. But the stench wouldn’t go away, so I burned down my entire home. Well worth it, if you ask me.

When asked for comment, Pelosi was quoted as saying “There was no crime committed because the Russians are like Americans, you know? They are Communists just like us, so basically there was no collusion, because… well… um, They’re as American as Pirozhki Pie. This is just another witch hunt brought on by right wing Darth Vader types. Actually, it WAS Darth Vader who started this whole mess. He did it because he can’t afford slaves(?!) like I can. So, obviously it’s a witch hunt. Bark bark ruff”

When asked about bringing any formal charges, the US AG stated that “We normally don’t bring charges against sickly animals. Besides, there really is no need to worry, as I believe they are in their final stages of dementia, and will likely be eaten by other members of their pack.”

-APepe