We can’t get those 5 minutes back. No matter how hard we may want it, it’s just not going to happen. For the rest of our lives, we will always remember when we lost 5 minutes of our lives listening to what happens when a tourism commercial bangs elevator music and then that baby bangs a giant pile of dog crap and then that baby’s baby made a YouTube video about itself.

This video is somehow making the rounds as we have been sent this from a number of people in the last few days. For those that choose not to watch, it consists of a woman (above) singing to a packed house (read: empty) about how she gets the blues if she can’t be with “you” and then wants that mysterious person to “come on now” and meet her in “New St. Lou” where they can visit the Arch, and go look at fountains, you know, all the stuff people that who live here never ever do. The question remains though: What the hell is “new” about St. Louis? Not sure. We don’t think they were worried about what that means as much as they were worried about name dropping every single suburban, sweater vest required activity in our fine city (Zoo, Botanical Gardens, the Hill, Grand Center…)

How does this compare to previous St. Louis anthems that have been brushed aside by us in the past? On the surface, there may not be much similar to past challengers (“ The Worst Music Video Ever Was Shot in a St. Louis Condo’s Kitchen “, and “ Former St. Louis Cop Makes His Entry to the Horrible St. Louis Music Video Contest “), but upon closer inspection there are a few key characteristics throughout all of these wannabe anthems:

1. Use of the shortened “Lou” name. They all think that “St. Louis” is far too long for everyday song use, and instead turn to calling our city “the Lou” or “St. Lou”. St. Lou_is,_ St. Lou, The Lou…The city of Saint Louis…The _Lou_. Ok it’s shorter and probably easier to rhyme, but is the “is” really worthy of being shortened? Two freaking letters you lazy bastards.

2. The need to cram in every single St. Louis establishment in order to prove their local connection. You know what? We get it. You’re from St. Louis. You don’t need to read off the whole Wikipedia page to prove that your song is about St. Louis.

3. White chicks. Each of these videos had a white chicks featured on screen at some point. What?! We can notice that.

4. They are all horrible. Not sure if this trait was on purpose. Maybe that can be St. Louis’ thing! “Hey we make crappy anthems for ourselves and stab each other for our belongings. Is that your car? Nice. You just going to park it on the street right there. Perfect. See it…I mean you…later.”

Full video after the jump!