For the first twenty-one years of my life I attended a really weird cult church. Among the many things they do that are totally strange, faith marriage has to be the strangest. I’ve condensed the practice into the Ten Commandments of Faith Marriage.

1. You shall not get married until you are baptized.

If you have “joined the church”, but have not been baptized, you are considered a convert. Converts are almost the lowest on the totem pole, only above those unconverted sinners that sit in the adult Sunday School class.

2. You shall not marry anyone outside the Church.

Are they Christian? Are you attracted to them? Did God send you an incredible vision that specifically told you to marry this one specific person?! Well none of that matters if they are not a member of this EXACT TINY CHRISTIAN DENOMINATION. You marry that person, you’re out.

3. You shall not date anyone, a member of the Church or otherwise.

You absolutely cannot be alone with a member of the opposite sex. To even get close to a potential mate…

4. You shall attend youth group events and travel to other congregations within the Church to meet your spouse. Get to know them in a group setting. And always remember…

5. You shall not propose to your desired spouse.

Okay, so you got to know someone in a group setting without ever being alone with them or having a deep conversation with them. Fantastic. Now just head on over to the local elder’s house to tell him about your new found love. He will ask you if you masturbate: it’s important to say no here or you’re definitely not ready to get married; you’re not pure enough yet. No masturbation? Great, he’ll let your desired spouse’s elder know what you’re up to and see if it works out.

6. You shall pray to God to reveal to you whether or not you should marry someone.

Did you just get a marriage proposal from your local elder? Wow, that means someone thinks you’re special! Before they tell you who wants you, though, maybe you should pray about whether you’re even ready to be married. Okay, you’re ready to hear the name? Oh you’ve never heard of this person? Well they go to this church in this town in some state you’ve never been to. Oh but their parents know your grandparents from some weird connection, because virtually everyone in this church is related because everyone just marries within the church and it borders on incest? Oh it’s actually your second cousin? Oh but God said you should marry them because you prayed and somehow the creator of the entire universe and life itself spoke to you and made sure to let you know that it’s okay to marry this person who just randomly asked you to marry them while barely speaking a word to you beforehand? Great, you’re engaged! So you should know the next commandment:

7. You shall have short engagements!

Anything longer than three months and you are bound to fuck each other. I don’t even care if you both are absolutely committed to abstinence, literally anything could happen in three months, like some freak accident where somehow his penis kinda falls into your vagina. Oh, that’s not enough time to get to know the person you’re marrying because you’ve literally never been alone with this person before? Well, guess you’ll just have to live with it your WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.

8. You shall not wear wedding rings.

I mean this one is obvious, right? Wedding rings are jewelry. Jewelry is evil. Oh you think it’s a symbol of loyalty and love? No, it’s Satan.

9. You shall not kiss the bride.

And no one will clap when you’ve been wed, either. Who do you think you are?

10. You shall not dance or drink alcohol at your wedding reception.

But who cares? Tonight is the first night your entire community will bless you to go and have sex. It’ll be great with that person who you’ve known for three months and have barely touched at this point. I’m sure your first night in bed will be magical.