The Art of Staying Happily Married

It is harder than you think

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Our culture continues to teach us that everything is disposable. Yet, marriage was never meant to be one of those things. It takes work to make a marriage successful, but it can be done. The key is to ask yourself how committed you are to making it work and can you accept that you can only change you? Your partner has to make their own choices about change, but you do not have the power to change them.

I have been married for 29 years and I have learned a lot during that time about what works, and maybe even more about what doesn’t work. Of all the advice I was given before my wedding, the one that was absolutely true came from our minister’s wife. She asked “you know how everyone says marriage is 50/50? Throw that idea out before you ever walk down the aisle. It is never 50/50. Sometimes it is 60/40 and sometimes it is 100/0. You will not both be giving equally all the time. One of you will always be giving more. Just work to make sure it balances so that it isn’t always the same person giving more.” There is absolute wisdom and truth in her words.

In 29 years, our marriage has rarely been 50/50. Many times, I have carried most of the work of keeping our marriage, home, and family functioning. Then, the axis will shift and it becomes his turn. I have seen far too many couples fall into the trap of thinking it is supposed to be some kind of equal endeavor. What they do not understand is that it should be equal, but only in the long run. It will rarely look or feel that way on an everyday basis. If you get caught up in the trap of thinking you always have to give more then you create a breeding ground for resentment. Where resentment takes hold, love does not flourish.

Here is another piece of wisdom I would like to share. Despite all the songs and poetry that tell us otherwise; love is not enough. Two people can love each other deeply and passionately and still destroy each other. Relying on your love for each other to see you through the troubled waters that will come will find you sinking in a storm eventually.

Love is the foundation, but if you don’t build upon that foundation then you still will not have a relationship that lasts. Love is a feeling, marriage is a commitment. Those are two distinct things. Feelings can and do change. You will not always feel the sweet butterflies in your stomach when your significant other enters a room or when you hear their voice on the phone. Romantic love exists to ensure that we mate, procreate and ensure survival of our species. It is not meant to sustain us through trying to build a life together. The commitment we make in marriage is meant to be what we build our life on.

Here is another secret. When romantic love starts to fade, if we honor our commitment, really honor it by purposing to continue to build a life upon it, then that romantic love is replaced by something much sweeter. Babies, exhaustion, fear of failure, career changes, struggling with money or relationships, and all the other trials and tribulations that come to every marriage actually takes that first sweet but fragile love and turns it into a love that is deep and strong. The kind of love that has roots deep enough to see us through the darkest days and the highest victories.

We recently took a vacation and on that trip we found ourselves in a small pub with a live band. A few people were on the dance floor. Most were just sharing drinks and some quiet down-time from the tourist scene. Several tables over was an older woman and her husband. He was obviously disabled and did not look exactly thrilled to be there, except when he looked at her. She was clapping her hands to the music, swaying back and forth and obviously reveling in the simple joy of the moment. In his eyes, you could tell he was there for her. His joy was watching her enjoy something she truly loved.

Then the band started into a slow love ballad. I happened to glance over, and what I saw brought an immediate rush of tears to my eyes. He had stood up from his wheelchair, using a pole for support, and had both arms wrapped around her. They were swaying, ever so slowly and carefully to the music. All eyes in the room where on them, and most of those eyes were at least moist. More than a few were streaming tears. I don’t know if they had been married for 40 years or if this was their honeymoon, but I know they had found what some of us spend a lifetime searching for: enduring love. In that one awkward, slow and careful dance, they summed up everything marriage should be. Their marriage appeared to be a celebration of a life well-lived, together.

So, how do we get there? How do we make it long enough to be that couple bringing a pub to tears just by carefully swaying to a love song? The truth is that it is a journey, and it is not always an easy journey. There never comes a time in your marriage where the hard part is over, the work is done, and you can just enjoy the fruits of your labor. It is, in fact, just the opposite.

If you are not actively working on your marriage, it is dying. It may be a slow and sneaky death where you do not even know your marriage is sick until it is on life-support, or it could go out in a blazing inferno of screaming, fighting, lawyers and divorce court. Just don’t delude yourself. You are either working to maintain a healthy marriage or your marriage is dying.

When is the last time you gave your marriage a thorough check-up? Is it healthy, sick or on life-support? Remember, healthy does not mean perfect. Marriage is two imperfect humans trying to blend a life full of issues. Healthy marriages are not without fights, hurt feelings, and times of stress. What makes a marriage healthy is more than being happy together, it is how you handle times of darkness and difficulty.

There are some things to look take a hard look at to determine if your marriage is healthy:

Do you communicate openly and often?

Is physical and emotional intimacy a priority, even when chaos threatens to take over?

Are you both equally committed to the vows you made on your wedding day?

Do you laugh together often?

Is your spouse your best friend?

If you answered yes to these problems, then congratulations. Odds are high that you are in a healthy marriage. If you answered no to some of them, then consider it a warning sign that it is time to invest in working on your relationship.

Too often, we fail to make our marriages a priority. Careers, kids, and the general busyness of life distracts us from our most important relationship and opens the door to the potential for catastrophic failures. Successful marriages are not just a roll of the dice. They are the result of careful nurturing and guarding against the dangers that can tear you apart.

Talk to your spouse. Talk about the hard things, the things that you both find it hard to discuss. Remove any taboo topics between the two of you. Make time for each other. Make your marriage a priority. Accept that there will have to be compromise and sometimes it will be things you do not want to compromise on. Dig and do the hard work.

When things are truly difficult it may sometimes not seem worth it. If I find myself feeling that way, I will remember the sweet couple swaying in the pub. That is how I want our story to end and that is the legacy I want to leave. I know that it will require constant work, nurturing and attention. The reward is in the moments like what we witnessed in the pub on our vacation. I want a marriage that speaks to that kind of love and effort.