Well, look who just showed up at the metaphysical-supply store. Give a shout if you need help finding anything—this must all be pretty new to you. You know, I’m usually happy to see someone take an interest in the occult, but I can’t help but question your motives here.

It just seems kind of convenient that you’re suddenly into all this now that you’ve been possessed by Satan.

Back in middle school, you always made fun of me for having my tarot deck out on the lunch table. So you can imagine how surprised I was to see this new side of you. It’s almost like doing Lucifer’s bidding has turned you into a totally different person.

You said that I was going to Hell for bringing a Ouija board to your twelfth-birthday party, and now you’re dressed in all black and bleeding out of your orifices. I know one’s interests can change over time, but, when I heard that you were embracing the dark arts all of a sudden, you weren’t the only one with his eyes rolled back.

At first I worried that I might be coming down too hard on you, so I read your tarot to gain some perspective. First, I drew Judgment reversed, which I think speaks to a lack of self-awareness and a general feeling of insecurity on your part. The next four cards I drew were the Devil, which checks out. The very last card, though? The Tower, which represents a chaotic change in your life—one that you might want to reconsider.

Look, you’re not the only former normie who’s waltzed in here calling herself a witch just because she’s draped in black satin and hovering above the ground on a whisker broom. And you definitely won’t be the last guy to buy a deck of tarot cards just to have it collect dust while he’s busy jet-setting around another plane of existence.

From where I’m standing, it looks like you’re here only so that you and your friends can post yet another video where they’re huddled around a pentagram, pleading for the demon to leave your body. It’s like, look, we get it—you’re the anointed cherub now. You don’t have to wave it in our faces.

If I were you, I’d stop spinning my head around in circles and focus on getting it on straight. Do you really want to go down this road? Take a moment to ask yourself if you’re really into the occult or if you just crave the attention from all the exorcists and priests.

If this is only a passing phase, then I seriously suggest that you move on to the next trend already. I’ll still be here with everyone who’s sincerely into smudging, trying to piece together why the devil chose the most self-possessed person on Earth to be his human vessel.