Oh hey, guys. What’s going on with you? Me? I’m just trying to get over a gluten’ing that was so stupid I have to say that perhaps, I even deserved it. No, no, don’t try to make me feel better. Unless making me feel better involves delivery of gluten-free crackers and fancy cheese. Then, please continue.

You see, I was in Austin, Texas as I do and enjoying the usual “OHMYGOD EVERYTHING IS GLUTEN-FREE HERE” vibe when on my way out of town I tempted fate. I decided stopping by Chuy’s Tex-Mex was a great idea since I was totally craving burritos, and even though I can’t have burritos, well maybe I could be burrito-adjacent and still be happy.

Why yes I did write once before about how I can never eat there ever again, like never. But I had that craving and I thought, “Hey, maybe they’ve gotten hip to the gluten-free program!” I was so wrong that I was even more wrong than the first time I tried to eat Tex-Mex. I mean, I wrote in my BOOK about the dangers of Tex-Mex. What, in the name of churros, was wrong with me?

I sat down and ordered up some guacamole and queso before I went through my gluten-free spiel. I mean, guacamole and queso, amiright? (Spoiler Alert: I am not right.) The server went to get her manager because she had not one clue (but I appreciated her bringing in the heavy) and the manager had a very unpleasant surprise for me.

It turns out that the only gluten-free items on their menu are the ranchero and tomatillo sauces. You can add some roast chicken to that if you’d like. Oh, and guacamole. At this point I decide, hey, I’m going to make my own nachos! I’ll take the chips (yes, I’m sure they were fried right next to the chimichanga but I was way desperate at that point, and by desperate I mean trying to fill my burrito-sized hole in my heart with tortilla chips), top them with chicken, ranchero sauce, guacamole and queso. BAM. That’s when the manager is like, yeah, queso isn’t gluten-free. Needless to say I’d hoover’d half the bowl at that point.

So I put aside the fact that no one in the world ever puts flour in queso (seriously, NO ONE) and ordered my chicken, ranchero and some grated cheese. Yes, it was sad. But not as sad as what happened to my body after my brief affair with queso. Did you know that it’s especially awesome to get gluten’d before you get on an airplane? No?

I’m not sure why I thought a previously unsafe restaurant would totally be safe the next time I tried it. I’ve never thought that before. I especially don’t know why if I was craving a burrito, I would go to the burrito having place knowing I could not enjoy said burrito. That one is even more puzzling. But not nearly as puzzling as PEOPLE WHO PUT GLUTEN IN QUESO. For the love of all things holy!

Do you guys think that someone at Chuy’s has an ex-girl or -boyfriend with celiac that they want dead? Because that’s really the only explanation here.

So, yeah, don’t go to unsafe restaurants. Especially ones that you, yourself, have personally verified as unsafe. I don’t care how good their burritos are.