Ok first of all I am going to break some myths. Then I am going to break some heads. This has been happening for too long now. Randomly they will come and parade nonsense stories like ‘How I quit my job and Travelled the world’ (Travel with a capital ‘T’) or ‘This guy quit his job and traveled 60 countries in 60 days’ or some such nonsense in front of our eyes and confuse our already confused brains.

Bullshit.

First of all, such kind of travel and stuff is not possible with Indian passport. Not in this lifetime. Sorry. If you see a story like this means basically it is a white guy with a passport that has the word 'Privilege’ stamped on it. (BTW if you say this is about travel inside India means I am not talking about you itself because technically you are an uncle or aunty who has just taken an LTA and your amma is just one phone call away. You don’t even have to change the SIM!)

So some random person randomly quit their ‘cushy corporate job’ and gave up all the pleasures of life (so sad) and decided to ‘travel the world’ it seems. Boss who in their right mind will do such an irresponsible activity? They don’t have EMIs to pay or what? How did their mother allow this?

And on seeing this I will also become jealous it seems and emulate such nonsense. HOW ON EARTH CAN AN INDIAN PERSON TRAVEL TO SOME COUNTRY JUST LIKE THAT?? Forget practically, theoretically itself it is not possible.

Have you ever applied for visa to that country? Even if you are applying for visa to a fellow Third World country you have to ‘follow the process’ aka humiliation. Starting from salary slip, they will ask you to submit every single document that you have ever touched in your life.

Then you have to convince them ki you are coming back and not settling down there itself because you have a job and a loan to take care here. So you have to produce one letter from HR saying so. Now this HR fellow will say go ask your boss for leave first. If you go to your boss and ask for leave means boss will be like no no no HR policy does not allow for so many days leave. What nonsense? To take my entitled leave I have to beg one million times is it? After surrendering my last few grams of self respect as HR-Dakshina finally that HR letter will be signed.

If they are not still convinced that you are going to come back means, they will ask for even more documents to show proof of funds. So I now have to take a spade and shovel and dig our apartment to search for any hidden treasure or hope to find that ancient property document that my great-great-grandmother obtained by cheating Robert Clive. Where else will I get more ‘funds’ from? Idiots.

Even for photograph they will tell you exactly much of your face they want to see. If your photograph is showing extra face, even one centimetre extra, means you will have to suffer and wait. In addition to all this if they feel like ragging you they will call you for personal interview. I am telling her madam you humiliate me over telephone itself no problem but she is like no no we have to meet you. Because they want to see your face in real life to cross-check if you have the same face as you have declared in the photograph.

By now my self respect is in negative balance, so I am borrowing some of it from my friend along with his blazer in order to appear decent. I am expecting some white person to ask tough viva voce questions at the visa interview but it is actually one old Indian woman who is his secretary and behaving as if she is giving her father’s property! Arey madam, we both are Indians only no? I will come back yaar. Just give me the visa already.

All of this nonsense is just for one country. Where from to travel 60 countries in 60 days?

So you can update status all you want with quotes like ‘Don’t be a tourist, be a Traveler’ (capital T again) or some shit like ‘I don’t just go to places. I Travel.’ but ultimately according to the visa you are just a tourist. What else did you think that country people will think of you as? Republic Day chief guest?

Best is after landing there you are all like I don’t want to do touristy things so I am going to live like a local (for the next 24 hours) and do all the local things and so you enter a cab and tell him to take you to a ‘local restaurant where local people eat.’ Boss that fellow is a cab driver and he knows exactly what to do. He is like ‘Oh like that aa, come I will take you’ and you will enter the restaurant only to see everybody is a tourist just like you.

And the first thing to ask the restaurant manager is not about the food but the wifi password and immediately update status with fake inspirational shit like ‘Nothing is blissful like traveling alone and discovering who you are’. Boss to access social media why you have to go to some other country and all. You can do the same thing sitting on the WC itself no?

So I have concluded that it is better to avoid all this inspired travel business and nonsense because as Indians we anyway have to come back and deal with Airtel customer care and other such important things in life. All such magical things happen to white people because first of all they can just buy a ticket and show up at the border without any plan. They can afford to do all such irresponsible acts because THEIR GOVERNMENT SUPPORTS THEM AND TAKES CARE OF THEM WHEN THEY RETIRE. Here, we have to support the government!

Don’t get fooled by such people’s agenda. They will tell things like when you travel you will ‘discover your soul’ and get enlightenment and stuff. The only thing we will actually get is one huge ass credit card bill at the end of the trip.

‘Travel is my passion’ it seems. How the hell can travel be a passion? At best travel can be an expenditure for us. So best is to embrace the reality that we are simply going on tour for a few days only to come back to our miserable lives.

But that need not stop me from updating putting and intellectual status message with inspirational quotes and look like a hipster. No?