Channel 5 Ann chats to Rachel Johnson while Dapper Laughs listens in

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I have no idea what post is piling up, what emails have been pinged back with an automatic reply, what telephone calls I have missed. The housesitters can contact my agent in the event of fire, flood or pestilence and he can speak to Big Brother who will decide if the ashes or water level merit my being told in the diary room that I might just have a tiny problem that means leaving. The worst thing here is sleep deprivation. I arrived pretty well exhausted. I left pantomime in Lowestoft after the second performance on December 31 and was driven overnight to Dartmoor where I spent the rest of the night unpacking and re-packing, getting the washing done and dealing with the post which had last been sent on a fortnight earlier. Among it was a card from the Post Office to say there was a package to be signed for. I still have no idea what that was. I have not opened the Christmas presents which the family left for me, nor any cards (about 300) because I had to be in the car and off to Big Brother by 11am.

Channel 5 Ashley James has helped Ann overcome her fear of mascara

Inevitably there were things I failed to pack but I told myself at least I would be able to sleep once I got here. Ho! Ho! Ho! as that chap who comes down the chimney might say. They won't let you put the lights out until they decide everyone is in bed and very bright, glaring lights they are too. If you get up and turn them off they switch them back on. One night all the women thought they were being clever and retired together but the boys were having a merry party so the lights stayed on. I often enjoy a snooze in the afternoon but now I want to nap as soon as I get up. Sometimes I am glad to be here and at other times I wish I had stuck to my "never, ever Big Brother" policy. They have respected my modesty but there is still enough vulgarity to fill a lifetime and I am not talking about the guys swearing. One task involved a statement so X-rated that I cannot repeat it in a family newspaper. If the TV bosses want to cast this as something different they need to re-think their own approach.

India soured everything with a massive row and the rest of us are getting fed up

Why is it that young women these days think they have to show everything when they dress up? Why dresses so deep cut that the breasts are on display? Why so short that you can see ...? Transgender housemate India copies this sort of style despite being middle-aged. Is that what she thinks being a woman means? Most housemates get on amicably. We are after all in it together. The exception is the aforementioned India who takes offence and instigates rows. On Sunday night the boys put on a show for the girls. Wayne Sleep danced, John Barnes produced some rap and Shane J gave Andrew a makeover as a drag artist. We were all convulsed. Then India soured everything with a massive row about how drag artists offended her because they merely pretended to be women whereas she was a real one. It is by no means the first time she has chosen to give someone a row and the rest of us are getting fed up. That apart, we get along well enough.

Channel 5 Shane and John try to make themselves cry in the CBB house

Nevertheless in a programme about equality I despair. My idea of equality is just that: men and women have equal opportunity. Neither sex should have special privileges nor positive discrimination. Yet for the time being here the men are slaves and we have the power. That ain't women's lib. It is women's revenge. Then there was a task which involved the deliberate infliction of pain on men because there is apparently a stereotype that men can't endure pain. Well, try telling that to our boys who come home maimed from Afghanistan. Another task involved asking men to cry. Neither of these tasks seems to me moral, the first being more reminiscent of the Roman arena. Panem et circenses. Yet others were fun. I am glad that I can still remember how to change a tyre, not having done so since the days when I owned a Morris Minor, a car so simple that I actually understood what was happening under the bonnet. Now I lift up the bonnet and then say to any passing male: "Er, excuse me but do you know which is the brake fluid container?" Men and women are different. In the girls' dormitory there are some fluffy toys on the bed (not mine). Can you imagine any man bringing along his childhood bear? Men are physically stronger whatever the dafter element of the equality campaigners may say. We should celebrate the difference instead of moaning about stereotypes.

Channel 5 Ann vents at Big Brother in the Diary Room

What do we miss from the outside world? Inevitably most people miss their families and their pets. A few admit to feeling bereft of their phones but interestingly most of us do not. I miss reading and the cosiness of my Aga and log fires. Some miss the gym but give it another week and I think most of us will miss outdoor space. There is a small garden which we use as prisoners might use an exercise yard but that is it. I cannot stretch my legs by strolling across Dartmoor. We cannot wander down a high street or take a brisk walk to the shops. Being cooped up will get to us all eventually. I thank heaven for Rachel Johnson, a sane and dignified journalist and, incidentally, sister to Boris. Indeed when I knew she was coming into the Big Brother house I did actually believe it really might be different. The young women are wonderfully kind and considerate and Amanda Barrie, the oldest contestant, makes us all laugh. Ashley James has almost succeeded in overcoming my lifelong aversion to mascara. Yet we were all glad when the men came in. Being confined with seven other women was not my idea of fun. Men are so much less introspective and I was running out of patience with some of the self-absorption that manifested itself in the conversations of the first few days.

Channel 5 India who takes offence and instigates rows all the time