Sarafina Bianco has advanced degrees in DV and PTSD. Here’s her crash course on what people should and shouldn’t say to survivors of trauma.

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1. “There has to be a reason this happened.” “This isn’t fair.”

Even though we all know life really isn’t fair sometimes, sugarcoating suffering doesn’t help the traumatized person. One of the many gifts my therapist gave me was the ability to share honestly how unfair everything felt. Beyond the traumatic event, which wasn’t fair, the healing process also took three years of my life. Although I was getting better, I lost two years to my abusive relationship and three years in recovery (with a year of me trying to fix it on my own in between). Yes, you read that correctly: I spent double the time recovering from my abuser (four years) that I spent with him (two). And I lost the second half of my twenties. Goodbye, half a decade.

People were so ready to prove there had to be a reason for it all happening. They were convinced a silver-lining dangled between their sanity and mine.

People were so ready to prove there had to be a reason for it all happening. They were convinced a silver-lining dangled between their sanity and mine. What I wanted, more than anything, was for someone I cared about to look at me without flinching and say “This isn’t fair,” because, had they, I could have said, “Thank you for noticing.”

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Three simple words validated every emotion I felt and allowed me to open dialogue. Although most tried, my therapist was the first to break through. She was also the first to say these three words to me. It was the simplest, most effective thing she said and something I carry with me into every conversation I have.

2. “I thought only soldiers got PTSD.” “Tell me about PTSD.”

PTSD is still relatively new in terms of research and treatment. Because of that, and because the term was originally coined in relation to veterans, there are people who still believe only war vets suffer it.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD, three years after I left my abuser, I spent quite a lot of time explaining to friends and family that PTSD didn’t mean I was crazy, that it wasn’t fake, and that it could, over time, be fixed. Providing the explanation wasn’t tiresome; but correcting the common misconception, which I had to do each and every time before getting to the symptoms, triggers, and remedies, was exhausting. PTSD isn’t only for soldiers.

When you already feel alone in the world, a side-effect of trauma, it’s even more alienating to be told you’re not suffering a disease you actually have.

Even a year into blogging about my diagnosis, a reader commented, “PTSD is only for vets, so please stop acting like you have it.” At the time I was so insulted and defensive I didn’t know what to say. Now I wish I could have explained that I’m certain soldiers don’t want to be singled out as the only people who have this: the more people who are honest about their diagnoses the better.

When you already feel alone in the world, a side-effect of trauma, it’s even more alienating to be told you’re not suffering a disease you actually have.

3. “If I were you…” “I’ll be here for you with the same dedication one year from now.”

There isn’t a timeline on recovery.

Some people heal faster than they or their helpers expect. For others, healing can be harder than the experience itself. And it can be a cyclical process: one month seemingly symptom-free and the next painfully reverses progress.

When a loved one is dealing with his or her nightmare, it’s easy to get burned out helping. It’s hard to watch people suffer. But it’s also hard to sustain helping.

Put your phone number on their refrigerator. Say, “If you have enough help today, I can help in a week.”

Everyone is so eager to help immediately following trauma, but each slowly goes back to his or her own life, unintentionally forgetting the other person’s life has changed—forever. When I first left my abuser, my friends came to my side, asking what they could do, but they figured my battle was over after I left him, never assuming the aftermath would be worse. And so their help died off until only a few were left. Then … none.

At the very least, remind the struggling party you can help whenever they need you. Put your phone number on their refrigerator. Say, “If you have enough help today, I can help in a week.” Do what you can to remain present and make it clear you aren’t going anywhere. The worst feeling in the world for someone who is living through trauma, is feeling more alone than they already do.

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