WASHINGTON — Addressing the concerns recently raised by several GOP think tanks, outgoing House Majority Leader Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) said in a press conference today that the Republican Party has “simply lost touch with the Fortune 500 CEOs, billionaire industrialist tycoons and the misanthropic secret lizard people of the fallen lizard planet Zedskarr” whom the party used to rely on for votes come election season.

“We can still rely on votes from the masses of impoverished white conservatives voting against their natural sense of economic self-preservation for the sake of their antiquated social values,” said Rep. Cantor in an official statement from his office. “However it seems we are having a tough time making good ole, downhome connections with the wealthy voting block who entertain themselves on weekends by paying hobos in sandwiches to recreate Medieval jousting matches on jet skis using golf clubs as lances.”

Former staunch defenders of the Republican Party seem to agree that the Grand Old Party has in recent years failed to properly reflect the political agenda of the nation’s top 1%.

“If I am putting it plain and simple, I just don’t see my values and interests being represented to their fullest extent by the Republicans of today,” said Kackark Zipvailyen, or “Charles G. Koch,” laying on red rock under a large heating lamp. “Sure we are systematically eliminating the middle class in the hopes of converting the U.S. economy from one of capitalism to one of abject feudalism, but my father, Lizard Emperor Jaknarg Zipvailyen XXIV, promised to destroy the entire human race by engulfing the earth in an apocalyptic storm of fire and salt that would last for a thousand years; and I just don’t see the party’s denial of global warming nor their total disinterest in cultivating a sustainable economic future as a fast enough model to bring about the day of reckoning wherein the human race will once more call the lizard people their ‘master,'” slithered the words from Mr. Zipvalyan’s serpentine mouth as he slowly unhinged his jaw to fit yet another handful of flies down his scaled throat, his only means to breathe Earth’s foreign atmosphere.

Cantor’s office announced via its official Twitter account a plan going forward to help reconnect with the parties core constituents beginning with a $5000 per plate luncheon followed by an exclusive viewing of the real JFK assassination footage.

Joshua Murphy truly and regularly confuses the words “narcoleptic” and “necrophiliac.”

Image by aplaceforpolitics.