For a good part of my professional life as a reporter, columnist and editor I’ve watched Conservatives, both at the provincial and federal levels, tearing the crap out of each other and losing election after election.

The old joke about Conservatives is that they’re so confused, they stab each other in the front, as opposed to the Liberals who are smart enough to air their dirty laundry in private.

There are exceptions that prove the rule — the decades-long civil war between Jean Chretien and Paul Martin that eventually reduced Canada’s Liberals, our self-described natural governing party, to their current status in third place in the House of Commons.

As significant as that fight in undermining Liberal fortunes, was the long process by which Prime Minister Stephen Harper succeeded in uniting the right, after a decade of trench warfare between the Reform party and the Progressive Conservatives.

The lesson is easy to understand: United parties win elections. Divided ones lose.

Which brings us to Tim Hudak and the Ontario Conservatives.

If I had a nickel for every Conservative who says no matter what Kathleen Wynne does — no matter how many times she tries to bribe voters with their own money — they’re never voting for Hudak, I could balance the Ontario Liberal budget.

I’m not saying the fault lies with Hudak’s critics alone, as the Tory leader and his seconds contribute to the perpetual turmoil as well.

Maybe there’s something in the water at Queen’s Park that makes Conservatives attack one another more than they do the Liberals and New Democrats.

Take Thursday’s byelections in Niagara Falls and Thornhill.

Given historical voting patterns, the Conservatives had a good shot at winning both.

But the day before the byelections, what were the big stories in Toryland?

1. Outgoing Thornhill Tory MPP Peter Shurman, after an earlier much-publicized falling out with Hudak, described the Hudak Tories as a “nightmare” because they have “a plan without a vision” for government.

2. The Tory riding association in Newmarket-Aurora denied Newmarket councillor and former Toronto Sun columnist, Maddie Di Muccio, the right to even seek the Conservative nomination for the next election. Di Muccio blamed Hudak for being behind the move, while fending off a YouTube attack, presumably by still other Tories, depicting her as a disloyal, anti-Hudak Conservative who’s too friendly with Wynne.

All this suggests, at least to voters who are paying attention, that after more than a decade out of power the Ontario Conservatives are still the not-ready-for-prime-time-players.

After all, if you can’t run your own party, how can you run the province?

In light of this turmoil, the fact the Tories managed to hold on to Thornhill and credibly challenge the victorious NDP in Niagara Falls, was relatively good news.

What else can you say about a party — one that within living memory presided over a remarkable 43-year political dynasty in Ontario — that today seems happiest when Tories are fighting Tories rather than the Liberals or NDP?

Wynne fared worse on byelection night than Hudak — losing both, including Niagara Falls which the Liberals previously held. But you didn’t see the Grits knifing her in the back Thursday.

While former Liberal premier Dalton McGuinty also had to face down a fifth column in his party after he lost his first election campaign to then Tory premier Mike Harris in 1999 — before going on to win a majority Liberal government in 2003 — that was mild compared to what Hudak has faced since winning the leader’s job in 2009.

That’s another thing. Typically, opposition leaders get to lose one election before their own parties start laying out banana peels for them.

McGuinty lost to Harris in 1999 before winning against Ernie Eves in 2003.

Harris lost to NDP leader Bob Rae in 1990, before defeating him and Liberal leader Lyn McLeod in 1995.

Rae lost the 1985 and 1987 elections to then Liberal leader David Peterson, before winning an NDP majority government in 1990.

Only among Ontario Conservatives, it seems, does a significant part of the party believe Hudak should have been dumped after his first election loss in 2011, even though he grew the Tory vote and seat count.

If they’re not careful, they’ll guarantee Hudak’s defeat in the widely expected spring election and consign themselves to another four years in opposition.

Assuming, that is, they actually want to govern.