I PRESENT TO YOU THE MOST TERRIFYING FILM IN EXISTENCE:

IS THE ORDER A RABBIT?? DEAR MY SISTER!

Happy Halloween folks! 'Tis the season of spooky things, like werewolves and the Epstein conspiracy! You know I had to deliver a review on this blessed day of something both terrifying and evil on this day of horror, and horrific is what I have to give! I present to you: Is the Order a Rabbit?? Dear My Sister. I'll be breaking down the horror elements in this review into segments, just so you can get a glimpse of the true terror that is GochiUsa!



SETTING

Is the Order a Rabbit?? takes place in old fashioned looking town, but in current day. There's cobblestone walkways and very fluttery classical music plays throughout most of the soundtrack. You could compare this aspect to It Follows as both films like to play with this idea of new tech in an older era. Does it add to the terror in anyway? Perhaps lightly.

Anyways, this town is fucking obsessed with rabbits. I think it's literally called "Rabbit Town" or some shit. The main cast consists of 5 girls from 3 different cafés, the most prominent one being "Rabbit House". This whole series revolves around the slice-of-life story of girls who love rabbits and coffee. I'm not joking. Even the girls are all named after different café drinks: Cocoa, Chino, fucking Midori "Blue Mountain" Aoyama (who barely shows up in this btw). While it may seem harmless and cute, you MUST understand the true terror this film has hidden beneath.



BODY HORROR

The plot remains around Cocoa, the main protagonist, leaving Rabbit House for the weekend to help her mother and sister's bakery back in her old mountain town. She attempts to surprise her family with her appearance, but this backfires when they surprise her when she arrives. While mildly disappointed, she puts that aside to be happy with her family. She then realizes she has no cell phone service, and no way to contact her friends back at home. This arises many other issues back at the Rabbit House, but we'll get back to that later.

Cocoa attempts to wake up before her family to help out in the kitchen as a surprise, but she soon learns they were up before her. She instead helps out with various baking needs, as the three women raise their rolling pins and proclaim themselves as "the three breadkateers". Before they open, the mom claims she has a sprained wrist, and MUST make it to the hospital. Oh no. Only two of the breadkateers will be in service during one of the busiest days of the year. What will they do!!!

Well never mind that, there's other evil amiss here. This family makes an INSANE amount of baked goods that get close to selling out everyday. The real body horror here is gluten! By selling all of it en masse, they successfully poison the commonwealth with high risk of celiac disease! I don't even want to think about the poor souls who consumed it that aren't allowed to eat gluten... the bodies must be piling up at the morgue now.



WITCHCRAFT

Cocoa has a friend back home named Chiya, who might just be her best friend. Everyone, including Chiya, can't stop thinking about Cocoa while she's away. Chino keeps making iced cocoa's (which I didn't even knew existed) instead of the iced coffee's that her customers are actually asking for, and Chiya buys hundreds of packs of cocoa mix, claiming "she's been craving it recently".

Now, while this may seem harmless, I believe Chiya was actually using all the Cocoa mix for mischievous purposes. It's shown in this film that Cocoa is officially, canonically, a witch. Being best friends with Chiya, don't you think she'd teach her a trick or two in the witchcraft field? My bet is that Chiya was trying to make a summoning circle with the cocoa mix, as it's the only way to summon back Cocoa back to her home. She might even try to sacrifice her for her powers if a full moon was out, but that's not exactly Chiya's character. This doesn't end up happening in the film, and i bet that's because one of two things happened:

1. Chiya realized that it was selfish to need to summon her when she'd be back so soon, especially since she was helping out her family do evil deeds

2. Chiya's witch powers are incredibly underdeveloped, and she couldn't pull off the magic needed to summon her back home

Whatever the case may be, Cocoa still had evil plans for the town of Rabbit Town; to actually turn everyone into a rabbit! I'm not making this shit up! She does this in a dream sequence where she turns the whole town into rabbits. She even turns her own sister into one! The only issue is that she doesn't know how to turn them back into humans. But Cocoa is evil, she doesn't care about such mynute issues, she's above that.

So why was Chiya wanting to summon her this badly? Was it so the two could wreak havoc on the town? Perhaps they planned on a massive terrowitch bombing at the local fireworks festival? Motives are shallow, but these two high school girls are extremely dangerous. Only time will tell with these two.



PSYCHOLOGICAL TERROR/SPOUSAL ABUSE

Rize, another girl at Rabbit House, gets left in charge during Cocoa's transfer. Rize works everyone HARD, Full Metal Jacket hard! It's the equivalent of coffee boot camp out there! If R. Lee Ermey met this bitch, he'd shit his pants in pure terror.

While working her underlings to death, they notice a stuffed rabbit that's hanging around. When asked about it, Rize says it's "a military grade secret". This can ONLY mean that it's a test subject from Area 51, potentially a highly dangerous one as well. Perhaps a real rabbits soul and blood are hidden inside?

The girls keep asking about it, but Rize keeps telling them to "focus on the mission". Morale is too low at this point for that statement to even matter anymore. It's very reminiscent of Apocalypse Now in the sense of dread these girls feel. However, they fight back. The girls use military CQC on Rize: a special ops "tickle attack" to interrogate her on the whereabouts of the rabbits home. Flustered and embarrassed, she pulls a gun on them as a warning, and the vultures would back off. Being the despicable creatures they are, they become satisfied with "breaking her guard", even if it was only for a moment.

Rize regrets taking charge during Cocoa's transfer, feeling like she might be coming off as too scary. This honestly lost -1 point from me because i felt as if they betrayed Rize's tough ass attitude, but there's reasons for Rize's emotions.

Syaro, another one of the main cast, is madly in love with Rize, but she's both too shy and embarrassed to ever tell her this. Adding on the fact that Rize is too focused on her Drill Sargent duties to give Syaro any attention, Syaro gets to feel a similar psychological abuse that Rize's underlings feel. The only way she can cope with this romatic depravity is by getting drunk (she gets drunk off of coffee) to help her get through this barrage of emotion. The biggest problem is that Syaro is poor, and is a very light weight when it comes to drinks, and gets hammered easily, making an absolute buffoon out of herself. This makes her an easy target to be attacked or robbed, or even worse, turned into a rabbit by those fucking witches.

Syaro gets so desperate, she BEGS Rize to buy one of the stuffed Area 51 rabbits from her, just so she can hold onto something Rize made so that she'd be reminded of her. I'm not sure what's more fucked up: The idea that she has to go as far as to buy a fucked up lab experiment to be reminded of her love, or that Rize originally denies her this access. And again, Rize is poor as shit. She's going to school, and has to work at a maid fetish café to make ends meet. This job can't be comfortable in the slightest. Her customers must be a bunch of perverts that attempt to grope and peek at her as much as possible. So the idea that she's offering any spare change she has for this fucked up rabbit only highlights the true horror that Syaro is going through.



THE MOÉ GAS CHAMBER

While I've discussed some true horror with you all today, there's one truly terrifying aspect about Is the Order a Rabbit?? that I have yet to discuss: the cutesy shit.

This series is painfully adorable. I literally mean that. This series is so cute, it'll shave several years off of your life, and might even give you an epileptic seizure! hell, Cocoa's voice actress alone could probably paralyze a man. The amount of cutesy shit here on display is exceedingly dangerous, and hardly regulated. Remember that episode of Pokémon that sent multiple Japanese kids to the hospital? Yeah, at least that shit didn't send kids to THE MORGUE.

You can get most of the gist of what I mean out of the show's opening theme. There's just... too much going on at all times. All senses are being halted. Your brain practically melts on this kinda shit. This shit gives K-On!! a run for it's money! Again, the best way to describe this is "like a moé gas chamber". It fills your lungs, sinuses, hell, maybe even your blood, with the most dangerous chemical of all: captivating and deadly amounts of pure moé.



CONCLUSIONS

I don't really know how to end off this review. The evils of this 60-minute feature will haunt me for years. The words "Sir, Yes Sir!", spoken by several of the characters, will ring throughout my head for an eternity. Can I recommend it? I'm not sure, that'd be kind of fucked up. I've lost years off of my life just to tell you how terrifying this shit is, and I hope you take this as a warning. Yes, there's no blood or gore, but it'll FUCK you up more than any hardcore drug. Being able to even function after this will be a massive challenge. I wish anyone that checks this out the best of luck. You'll need it.

"From that day, I could never tell which of us was senpai..."