The events of this story are (for the most part) not true, and I’ve tried not to write in a way that will hurt anyone’s feelings. This is not meant to offend and any characters, no matter how much they resemble you, are called you and act like you, are not (in actual fact) you and are based off a clone of you. I don’t mean to make fun of any groups of people, in fact, I’m more poking fun at the stereotypes people give them, think of this as a big, very work-intensive circlejerk, m’kay?

LewisM301 woke with a start to the whistling tone of the alarm clock to his left. Lazily, his hand drifted up and attempted to slam against the ‘snooze’ button, but, being the failure he is, missed and ended up slamming his hand against air, messing up his balance and falling to the ground with a thud.

Tiredness from the day already starting to taint his mind, he picked himself up, groaning and reached for the wooden drawers which would contain his skin. He quickly got changed in to his skin and rushed downstairs, tapping loudly against the oak planks that were laid across the stairway. His iSkype (the newest version of the classic iPhone, which still held no new features except for the fact that it now lagged a lot more and was filled with automatic drama detection and didn’t allow you to read the last few messages sent, so people would get annoyed when you asked something that had already been asked.). He sighed, as he noticed the thousands of messages unread from the town’s group, but his eyes lit up as he noticed how many other things there were unread and he found himself rubbing his hands together in anticipation, which, of course, left the phone unsupported and allowed it to fall to the ground.

Fortunately for Lewis, the phone was undamaged (makes a change with an iPhone) and he could read through his Skype messages without having to go down to buy a new iSkype. Any anticipation that Lewis had felt quickly faded, however, as he realised that the several group chats that had notified him had simply all been from Stollaz advertising his new song in every chat. Enraged at the musician, Lewis began to furiously skip through all of the Town Chat messages, briefly scanning them and picking up words, such as ‘hoste’, ‘UBL’ and ‘Cyiclo’, with the occasional rage-quit, with said person being added back almost a complete minute later.

“Wow, it looks like there was no drama last night,” Lewis found himself saying aloud, a beam of happiness with a tint of disappointment. “Must’ve been a slow night for the UBL Company, must’ve not been much crime.”

Suddenly, Lewis realised that he had not checked the UBL Company Skype Chat and it had ‘1 new message’. Stollaz wasn’t in the UBL Company Skype Chat so Lewis felt hope rise as he looked at the bold number hop up and down happily.

<TGMG1> Come to head office at 10am UTC. Important shit.

TGMG1 has removed LewisM301, Brick, Dans, Dibz, Costanza, Spork/Fork, Slokh, Taylor, Sep, Heralen, Climb, Berg, Gammex and others from this conversation.

Lewis sighed, the pant of air coming out with a tint of annoyance but without any sign of surprise.

“TG’s went power mad again,” he sighed, then realised he was talking to himself and looked behind his back to make sure no one was listening. Regardless of how power mad TG had become, one does not simply ignore his orders, so Lewis slipped his iSkype in to his pocket and rushed out of his door in to the town of Ultra Hardcore.

—

“I gather you today because of urgent matters…” a voice beckons to the room, “an anonymous source, from the UBL Company tells me that they have evidence of one of us x-raying.”

Whispers filled the blackened room as several people looked at each other, eyes wide. It was a secret meeting of a secret group that I shall not reveal any details on because it will allow me to be super dramatic later when I reveal all of the identities. Everyone’s eyes lit up with fear, to be caught x-raying was a serious crime in the town of Ultra Hardcore and anyone caught was given capitol punishment accordingly. Everyone still did it, but it was a rare occurrence to get caught, as long as you remained friendly with the UBL Company.

“So, that raises the question,” the voice of the leader boomed, “which one of you didn’t pay TG this month for the ‘Please-Don’t-Ban-Me Tax’?”

Everyone looked sheepishly at each other, no one actually pays the ‘Please-Don’t-Ban-Me Tax’, and they usually just pirate it.

“We should, hopefully, be able to protest you out of the punishment if the evidence goes up in the court, I mean it’s worked before…” the leader started but ended up trailing off as he remembered that it had, in fact, not worked before.

Everyone’s eyes felt soggy as they thought of all the previous people who had died due to x-raying before. Think of it like a super sad montage where we’ll see close-ups of people’s faces and translucent images of the deceased on the side, just running.

“CYICLO WHYYYY!?!” came a voice and everyone turned to ScottishNutcase, who was sitting, crying, on the front row of the theatre-like room.

Heads turned and stared menacingly at him. The guy sitting to his right patted him on his shoulders and handed him a tissue.

“This time, it will be different – we will stop a ban from happening! I have a plan! Muhahahahaha!” the leader laughed as the screen fades black.

—

And now to a slightly different meeting, this one of the UBL Company, which TG had hailed over iSkype. The UBL Office was very run-down and wasn’t well designed, as it didn’t really hold the twenty odd members of the company. TGMG1 stood in front of the eighteen other faces who looked up towards him, they’re shoulders all touching the shoulders of the person next to them, leading to a very claustrophobic feeling between them all.

“I’ve called you all here today,” TG started, “because I have learned great things from my spy in the Anti-UBL group. They have a spy in the UBL Company!”

Lewis’ eyes lit up in fear as he surveyed the faces of the many other members of the company. What was all of this ‘spy’ nonsense? One of them was betraying them all? Of course, another question arose from this all.

“What the fuck is the Anti-UBL group?” he found himself asking, without thinking and found himself getting a death glare from TG for about twenty minutes before he took the time to answer the question.

“The Anti-UBL Group is a group that I have dubbed the Anti-UBL Group. It is in, no way, associated with the UBL but…”

—

We interrupt this story to bring you Pimpossible.

—

“but they don’t let anyone do anything they don’t agree with. They often fail but they have very strong beliefs. We recently got evidence of one of their members x-raying, which we’re going to be announcing in the court later today. However, you guys will all be in the dark – as one of you is secretly reporting back to the group,” TG explained, running out of breath.

“Does not compute. Syntax error. Expected number was given string. What is the data value of said x-rayer?” came the monotone voice of the robotic Taylor, who was in charge of the technology that ran through the town, legend had it that he was involved in a car accident, when he was younger, and had to have his brain rebuilt using Java.

“It won’t hurt to disclose the name of the x-rayer, I guess,” TG sighed. “Our top agent, TG, recently got footage of a certain Doctor Who xraying!”

Gasps filled the room.