In my previous blog, I reported on a study in which researchers sought to determine the relationship between self-acceptance and mood, , and -prone thoughts. People high in self-acceptance turn out, counter-intuitively, to be low in self-esteem. You might imagine that accepting yourself would virtually guarantee having a pretty healthy self-esteem not one that is lower than the average non-self-accepting sort. However, it’s precisely that focus on self-acceptance that sets the individual up for self-esteem problems.

When you accept yourself and all your flaws, you don’t particularly need to focus on self-esteem per se. You focus, instead, on being as good as possible at what you actually do. You may have a positive sense of self, but you don’t blow your sense of self-importance up out of proportion. If you make a mistake, or if someone criticizes you, it’s not the end of the world. You’re the first one to admit that you’re not perfect and you know that there will be days that don’t work out quite the way you’d have liked.

People high in narcissism, instead, are more likely to be on the lookout for evidence of their worthiness or, more importantly, their unworthiness. For example, they can be highly focused on outward appearance, both in themselves and the people they know. They look in the mirror, examining their face, hair, clothes, and body for the imperfections they others can see. They suffer extreme anguish about growing older because they fear they will no longer fit society’s image of perfection. Unattractiveness, in themselves or others, is a condition they contemplate with dread.

The lack of self-acceptance that characterizes narcissists is indeed what makes them such difficult living partners. They are judgmental, letting you know when they don’t like something you do or say. They become particularly enraged when your own actions lead others to cast a negative light onto them. If you’re not dressed “just right,” you make them look bad. They believe that everyone, including you, shares their values and opinions. When you cross them, they feel angry that you’re not showing 100% acceptance of them. It’s because narcissists are so hard on themselves that they can be so infuriating when you’re in a relationship with one.

Narcissists have other infuriating qualities in relationships besides needing to see you as perfect. They tend to show lower levels of commitment to the relationship, less likely to accommodate to your needs, and less likely to you when you make a mistake. They really don’t like criticism and will fight to defend themselves. Because their inner sense of self is weak, they perceive any accomplishments by their friends and partners as threats to their own stellar qualities. In order to satisfy the narcissist with whom you’re in a relationship, you’ll need to offer constant praise and admiration. The first sign of conflict becomes a dire threat against which the individual seeks protection.

Romantic conflict in which you express disagreement with your partner is one of the most severe forms of threat the narcissistic person can experience. To test just what people high in narcissism do under such conditions, University of New England psychologist Julie Longua Peterson and Loyola University of Chicago psychologist Tracy DeHart conducted an observational study (2014) in which 204 undergraduate couples recreated an argument in which they had previously engaged. Participants were also asked to complete questionnaire assessing their tendencies, their feelings of vulnerability in relationships, and their mood.

From videos made of the couples’ arguments, the researchers rated their behavior on the negative dimensions of criticizing the partner; complaining about the partner; insulting or name-calling; snapping or yelling; and responding sarcastically. Countering these negative behaviors, the couples were also rated on their tendency to express understanding or agreement, caring or concern, , and reassurances of love.

As they expected, Peterson and DeHart found that narcissists were much more likely to go on the attack when threatened with conflict in the relationship. Even so, they perhaps magically believed that their partners became more, not less, committed to them over the course of the study as they relived their argument. Despite the fact that their behavior was detrimental to the relationship, they couldn’t imagine anything other than their partner remaining true to them.

It’s difficult for anyone to admit that their behavior is harming a relationship, but people high in narcissism seem particularly reluctant to do so. Engaging in this form of , according to Peterson and DeHart, helps protect these individuals from recognizing their weaknesses. It’s for this reason that these authors title their article “In Defense of Self-Love.” By continuing to emphasize your positive attributes, you avoid the pain of recognizing your flaws and, more deeply, coming to the terms that you may actually hate rather than love yourself.

Returning to the issue of self-acceptance, the Peterson and DeHart study also suggests that their highly judgmental attitude toward themselves may be what makes them so resistant to accepting their own culpability in arguments. To admit that they played a role in the conflict would mean they would have to admit that they’re not as perfect in relationships as they imagine themselves to be.

This look inside the mental life of the narcissist may give you greater empathy as well. It’s no fun being low on self-acceptance, and people who are can never feel content about themselves and their abilities. By setting that focus aside, it may be possible for you—and your narcissistic partners in life—to feel it’s okay to be okay.

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Reference

Peterson, J., & DeHart, T. (2014). In defense of self-love: An observational study on narcissists' negative behavior during conflict. Self And , 13(4), 477-490. doi:10.1080/15298868.2013.868368

Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2014