First, if you do not know your Myers-Briggs score, take this test or one like it: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

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[Disclaimer: This is a personality test for the sick ones. If you are not one of the sick ones, you would not have completed the test. It may be so that you cannot get help. We are sorry about this.]

[Content warning: This is a personality test for the sick ones. With expected results.]

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ENFP

Slightly hippyish, the ENFP is often one to black out after one drink. They will not stop pestering you with their ideas and they will usually not understand your feelings either. Very common, these idiots are not ones to bother with being consistent in their statements, and arguing with them will be frustrating as they’ve forgotten the beginning of the issue once you’ve explained why they’re wrong about the tangent they brought up. The apt animal comparison would be “goldfish”. Nothing fazes them, and everything is interesting as long as it’s in sight.

They are usually happy, not having found anything to be unhappy about. Spending time with an ENFP is difficult, considering not many have the patience to listen to their stupid ideas. These are the people who get tribal tattoos and think that makes them part of a tribe. ENFPs are like reverse nihilists, in that they believe in everything you tell them.

Being in a relationship with an ENFP is a challenge; expect to do all the work for little reward. While you might find that, during an initial period of falling in love, you really do connect with the ENFP, this is just due to them being so plastic and vapid that anything deeper than, say, an army boot is too hard for them to understand, so they’ll just parrot whatever you said. You are probably an INFP since you didn’t notice this, you cock.

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INFP

INFPs are not concerned with the material world, anything that matters to them happens inside their head. They are the kid in the back of the class who understands nothing and believes themselves to understand it all, which is why they never ask questions, and always make assumptions. If you correct their assumptions they are likely to not hear you.

In the grand scheme of things, INFPs forgive everyone, perhaps because of the lingering doubt that anything they perceive is truly there. Their animal totem would be the stupid, drooling, cute dog.

Sometimes, the actual real world penetrates the foggy glass of their John Lennon-style rose-coloured shades, and they are prone to extreme depression when this happens. Usually, the best way to get them out of this is distracting them with something shiny, or make a doll of the friend they lost they can keep as a substitute. Since you considered doing this creepy thing, I can but assume you’re an ISFJ, so get away from me, get far away.

They are likely to find meaning in meaningless things, and relationships with INFPs end typically because of imagined slights, or the realization that nothing you’ve said for the last fourteen months have even been processed by their brains. If you leave, it might take them up to three weeks to notice, had you been living together.

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ENFJ

Like rattlesnakes, the animal associated with them, the ENFJs have an inexhaustible patience. They give the air of being a wise mentor, when really they just want you to do their bidding. They often run several schemes at once. They do not consider you a friend, even though you might consider them one. They consider you an asset or, at most, an acquaintance.

Adept at manipulation, the ENFJ has gone so far as to make themselves believe whatever it is their saying, fooling lie detectors and even the greatest mentalists. They can usually do this as they have a hollow where their soul should be, and it can easily be filled with fakes. Pretending to be otherwise is easy for them. They do have feelings, such as “I’m worth all the money in the world,” or “everything I see is mine.”

In an office workplace, the ENFJ is the snitch you never notice. The ENFJs are drawn towards jobs without glory, such as paparazzis, where they can observe the people who do feel love, and destroy it for them.

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INFJ

INFJs are fond of themselves. They try to have friends but they often do not get past the “hello” phase. They prefer non-interactive media, which is why they predilect for poetry and prose. The fucking paper will not fucking talk back to them.

In the rare occasion that they do manage to befriend someone (after alternating between telling a potential friend too much and then too little about themselves, perhaps they found a balance for once), the INFJ listen to others and then they pretend that the anecdotes relayed to them were ones they experienced themselves. This way, everything can be about them.

INFJs often want to change the world, but what they don’t realize is that they, themselves, need to change. The INFJ animal is a badger. Badgers are dumb. Badgers won’t fucking let go if they bite you, much like an INFJ. INFJs are prone to biting people, the freaks.

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ESTJ

ESTJs are the “other people” in “Hell is other people.” They are bureaucratic and sycophantic, they are the cultists standing in the middle of the town square selling you books on dianetics. They are the middle-managers with the smiles entirely disproportionate with how important they are for the company and their only job is to tell you to work harder, which they enjoy. They are the coach for your kids’ sports team who base their entire self-worth on the team and breaks down when it inevitably loses, and they are the aunts who “hold together” the family by silencing anybody who does not smile in the family portrait.

They cannot grasp that others might not value the same things they value, and the way they cannot grasp this is very very firm.

You do not have a relationship with an ESTJ, you have a deal. An ESTJ does not have a totem animal because ESTJs are awful and horrid, and animals are cute.

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ISTJ

Imagine an ant, a tiny little worthless animal who does exactly what its superiors say. That is an ISTJ, that is. They often switch between three expressions to maintain a notion of humanity but really, they cannot be counted as human. If you try to have a conversation with an ISTJ, you will be disappointed, for ISTJs do not have conversations. They recite scripture, or they tell you of their routine, or they argue with you, but they do not have conversations.

Strongly convinced of opinions formed before their teenage years (during which they rebelled slightly and regretted it), the ISTJ is likely to have a bent for the religious. They are calm individuals, on account of being so lacking in everything. New things scare them. These are the people who would adapt to newspeak the easiest.

ISTJs do not have “ambition”. They are empty inside.

If you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of an ISTJ, just move away. ISTJ can spread by touch, I’ve heard, and you will not even notice the change.

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ESFJ

“Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging,” with emphasis on Judging. Your average ESFJ is great at pretending to listen, and while they do hear you, unlike INFPs, they do not give even one tiny fuck about what you just said, except to hate you with.

ESFJs are usually the dominant ones in social contexts, often disregarding others’ opinions. If they are wronged they will be angry and they will punish you, but if you treat them well they will treat you well in return (unless they’re having a bad day). A good way to get on an ESFJ’s good side is to do favours for them without them asking – they love getting gifts. They adapt easily though, so if you stop giving them gifts after that, they will not … be happy with you.

Many mafia bosses have been ESFJs, as their blatant disregard for everybody else and the ease with which they can establish rules makes them great criminal overlords. Unlike other hollow personalities (ISTJs, ENFJs, ENTJs, most ISTPs), the ESFJ try (in futility) to fill their hole with things that they should care about. However, caring quickly turns into hatred.

They use everything they have to get what they want – if this means emotional breakdowns over the last cup of coffee, so be it. After an outburst they will pretend nothing happened, and the older, more wise ones will apologize about it in secret, however you should not listen to a word they say. The animal totem of an ESFJ is the mandrill. You know, the volatile monkeythings?

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ISFJ

Creeps. “Nice guys.” The ISFJs are really fucking creepy. They do not know what privacy means, and they do not care even if you direct them to a dictionary. They are the traditional silent stalker, the ones who become serial murderers at age 40 out of a growing sense of meaningless in life. Everyone moves away from them, and rightfully so.

The word “love” to an ISFJ is loaded. If they say they love you, you should change your name. They are talking about an undying burning flame of worship and eagerness to please, and though they will never voice what it is they want, you will know. Usually they will romanticise a scenario and keep trying to achieve it. We do not recommend becoming involved romantically with an ISFJ, because you will never know what goes through their mind, and you will never be able to react exactly as the ISFJ wants. If they need to articulate what they want the whole thing is ruined, you see.

You might have an ISFJ friend, and you might have them for like, 8 years without even touching them, and then one night you overhear them describing you as their [gender]friend on the phone.

These people give you gifts and need help. The ISFJ animal is a leech, or anything disgusting and creepy, really.

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ENTP

ENTPs are nice, inventive, perfect people, hindered by the serious handicap of nonexistence. If someone told you you were an ENTP, they probably knew you were an ENTJ, and they were trying to be nice. The ENTP animal is a unicorn.

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INTP

The Germans have a word for INTPs, and it is “Besserwisser”. It means someone who thinks they know better. The INTPs are sore losers and very much adherents to the “once burned, twice shy” mentality. Unfortunately, as many (if not all) personalities on this scale they do not understand that others do not function like they do. This trait is extra extra pronounced in the INTP, who cannot understand the idea of anyone wanting to do something they have already done.

The INTP adores factoids and often does not check whether a tiny piece of information or statistic is correct, they just love that it is a tiny piece of informations. This gets many of them working with computers. Badumdum-pshh.

If you give a task to an INTP, do not expect it done. They will likely fret over completely the wrong shit and then do the opposite of what you asked. They can’t actually finish anything, so they are worthless academically or professionally, but they will beat you in Trivial Pursuit. They will bloody slaughter you in Trivial Pursuit, and they will gloat about it and they will repeat the exchange that happened when you lost, they will say “and I asked you this and you thought it was that,” and all this is because of two facts that you need to know about INTPs.

They identify strongly with Trivial Pursuit because that is their life in a nutshell, metaphorically. They’ve heard of humour, but only in the abstract, dissecting-a-frog-way.

The totem animal for INTP is a crab. An ugly, foul-smelling crab who believes itself to be a princess.

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ENTJ

The animal that belongs to ENTJs is the scorpion. You might think scorpions are cool, but there’s a reason you would keep them in a terrarium if you got one. These people will eat you alive. You might associate that with someone sounding “badass” but I assure you, even if you were their second-in-command they would flay you alive in the same fashion a nice person would not injure a fly. But, you know, reversely. Also if you had a motherfucking talking scorpion, the ENTJ would convince you that it’s nice and shit and you would let it out and it would devour you.

Scruples are alien to them. They have no compunctions about petty details like ruining someone else’s life, and if they can get away with it they will gladly stab you with the dagger themselves.

All politicians ever are ENTJs. An ENTJ’s path of personal development does not leave much room for creativity. The first 20 years (‘Phase 1’) the ENTJ does nothing that can be called pleasure, and only what can be called planning. Around the transition between Phase 1 and Phase 2 (the next 15 years), the ENTJ finds someone they will marry. This marriage is nothing but a contract, of course, with the money and fame the ENTJ has or will have exchanged for absolute compliance and a promise to not endanger any of the plans, even if this means repressing oneself.

Phase 2 consists of building up a network of people that can usher them into positions of power and during Phase 3 they unleash all the pent-up stuff they’ve been hiding and eventually they get caught snorting coke off a prostitute’s Prince Albert, dressed like Eva Braun, reciting Atlas Shrugged. (At least one of those things should offend you.)

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INTJ

The INTJ totem animal is the octopus. They prefer to stay in the darkness, unlike their Extravert counterparts, ENTJs, the INTJs rarely get caught. They make this world a pissy place and they do not often at all stand for their crimes, but let someone else take the fall.

To give you an idea of what kind of people INTJs are, I’ll provide you with a list of famous INTJs:

Karl Rove

Hannibal Lecter

Reinhard Heydrich

Ayn Rand

Roger Ailes

Rebekah Brooks

So yeah. They are much better at being low-key than the ENTJs, and they often do not understand that what they’re doing is evil.

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ESTP

ESTPs are like ISTPs in that they sometimes turn into wailing mockeries of adult people. But ESTPs do not do it because the screams echo in the hollowness of their soul and they can pretend that the abyss is responding to them, no – the ESTPs do it because they think it’s fun. It’s what they live for. They’ll carry a gun into a bank just because it’s fun to scare the poor innocents, they’ll stand by the roadside and flash motorcyclists so they can watch them crash, nothing is out of limits for an ESTP.

They are usually dumb as rocks. Which is good, because the ESTPs with brains are really fucking scary. The ESTP animal is the raccoon. Which may seem cute or fun to you unless you’ve met one.

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ISTP

ISTPs are people who can actually can be helped, unlike many of the ‘hollow’ (ISTJs, ENFJs, ENTJs, ESFJs), or ‘disturbed’ (ISFJ, INTP, ENTJ, ESTP) personalities. They can be helped by taking a motherfucking chill pill. An ISTP is unpredictable in the worst of ways – one second they might be slouching around doing absolutely nothing, and in the next they will be all up in your face screaming and flailing. They don’t care about their own or others’ safety, they rarely check facts, and they often endanger others with their shenanigans. Imagine them as ticking bombs.

A relationship with an ISTP is exhausting. If they do not get what they want they will act like a child and you will be thoroughly embarrassed because these grown-up babies will sulk or throw fits, just like non-grown up babies. Though perhaps it’s an unfair comparison. I mean, babies can be adorable and stuff. ISTPs can’t.

The animal that is linked to the ISTP personality is the tamagotchi. What do you mean, ‘not a real animal’? Screw you.

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ESFP

ESFPs are the kind of people who use the word ‘kegger’ or ‘iced’. They get drunk on one beer and proceed to feel that all their actions are totally excused. I mean, a drunk person can’t be responsible for their own actions, right?

Even if they don’t drink, the ESFP is the classic insensitive asshole. They’re just more outrageous if you feed them alcohol. An ESFP makes dead baby jokes around abortion clinics, and your mom jokes at your mom’s funeral. They will not stay at the funeral for very long, but they will steal one of the bottles of funeral wine and proceed to get shitfaced on it.

If you’ve ever stuck your foot inside a boot full of piss, or cleaned up puke stains from the ceiling, chances are you’ve interacted with an ESFP. Their animal is the gorilla, I think. Or the orangutang. Some kind of ape, whatever.

Relationships with ESFPs can be tricky, but they might work out. Provided you’re not into communication or honesty or something. It’s hard to be honest when you can’t remember what happened last week.

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ISFP

Hipsters. Need I say more? ISFPs feel that doing things “ironically” is the coolest thing ever. Their totem animal is the owl, not because they’re wise, but because hipsters have a thing for owls. They think that they’re, like, the coolest shit ever. Stupid hipsters.

Some ISFPs transcend their hispterness and instead work fiercely on trying to come up with less obnoxious things for the subculture to do. This does not redeem them.

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(Psst. Check out my fiction, too. It’s pretty cool: /category/writing/)

(Update 27/Feb/2014: While it’s nice that people like this page, and that people aren’t being all too inflammatory in the comments section, I’m tired of reading the same ideas expressed in each one. If you have anything cool you want to add to this discussion, feel free to email me at johannespunkt[at]gmail[dot]com. In the meantime, comments are open on virtually all other posts on this blog and you’ll be much more fruitful trying to add new stuff to those conversations. The other posts are much more interesting, too. Thank you.)