The wonderfully idiotic adults behind Rebecca Black’s “Friday” have done it again, kidnapping what appears to be a sweet teenage girl and forcing her in front of the camera to perform the world’s worst song. Ark Music Factory, led by producer Patrice Wilson (he’s the dude in the panda costume; what panda costume, you ask? hang on), has topped itself with “Chinese Food,” simply a glop of bewilderment and suburban American camp.

I’m not going to pretend to hate this, because I don’t. I’m just, like you, astonished to have this opportunity to peel back the skin of music and art and stick my head in — all the way in — so that the other side comes into plain view: a blond girl, a man in a panda suit, a chaperoned slumber party… and Chinese food. Welcome to the aesthete’s Technicolored nightmare.

If you’d rather avoid losing three-and-a-half unrecoverable minutes of your life, here’s basically what happens: a peppy young blond walks in a field complaining about her hunger after “I go clubbing” (white person problem No. 2,491). In the classic patois of teenage girls everywhere, she uses reduplication (e.g., “I like-like him”) to tell you exactly how she feels: “getting getting getting grumpy grumpy.” But lo! Is that a Chinese restaurant? Yes it is!

I see Chow, by my right

I smell food in the air

It’s Chinese Food, my favorite

So I’m getting getting getting getting hungry

How much do you like Chinese food, Alison Gold?

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

It goes on like this for a while until a stuffed panda comes into play. He looks, at first, like a stalker, but Alison takes fondly to him and they hold hands while skipping through a field. (No, really. Also, I thought kids hated pandas.) Patrice Wilson reveals himself and eats some barbecue in the creepiest way. And then the coup de grace: Alison and her bratty friends put on qipao and white face powder in what looks to be a chaperoned party. Check out the adult on the left of this screen grab. She is every suburban mother you know.

The final scene is Alison looking down on a fortune cookie slip telling her “The panda will fly away on a rainbow.”

Then:

People on the Internet are calling casual racism on this thing, but honestly, there’s no need to pile on. Just give these people the blame –

Written and Produced by: Patrice Wilson

Co-Produced and Mixed by: Heath Ripplinger

Video Directed by: Ian Hotchkiss, Chris Lowe and Patrice Wilson

– and move on with your lives.

Also, enjoy these screenshots:

















The lyrics:

After balling I go clubbing

Then I’m hugging

Then I’m hungry and I’m walking on the street

and I’m getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy

I see Chow, by my right

I smell food in the air

It’s Chinese Food, my favorite

So I’m getting getting getting getting hungry

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

Read the menu

They got broccoli

Even chicken wings

Make it spicy

And you like it

Cause it’s beautiful

And it tastes so so so good

I like the egg rolls

And the wonton soup

This makes me feel so so good

Fortune cookies, tell my future

Chinese Chinese Food

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

[Patrice Wilson:]

Yo!

I like Chinese food

And some Wonton soup

Get me broccoli

While I play Monopoly

Don’t be a busy bee

Cause it’s your fantasy

To eat Chinese food

Egg roll and Chop Suey

I use the chopsticks

To eat pot sticks

Put some hot sauce and sweet and sour make it sweet

Because Chinese food takes away my stress

Now I’m going to go eat Panda Express

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

I love Chinese food (Yeah)

you know that it’s true (Yeah)

I love fried rice (Yeah)

I love noodles (Yeah)

I love Chow mein

Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

(H/T Sheehan)