Behold, the splendor of Fayetteville, NC! Move to Fayetteville, NC soon! Especially if you're a soldier. They love soldiers. I mean love them. Creepily.

It's my understanding that if you're in the Army you can't just up and choose to move wherever you like, so one would think that an entire bizarre ad campaign devoted to convincing military people to move to your town would be a waste of time. But maybe "one" is not a patriot! Fayetteville, NC is "The World's First Sanctuary For Soldiers," a title that they clearly just made up. Why move to lovely Fayetteville, NC? Plenty of reasons! Let's examine a few:

"2- Multitude of recreational opportunities"= Drugs.

"4- Climate - You can play golf 12 months a year"= Unless you're in the, whatsit, Army.

"5- Small town feel with conveniences of a larger city"= 'Fayetteville's per capita violent crime rate is 64% higher than the national average and the property crime rate is 75% higher than the national average.'

"6- There's always something happening - great events & things to do"= Drugs.

"8- Easy access to other parts of the state - especially being within a couple hours to the beach and the mountains"= Located in North Carolina's undistinguished south-central region.

"10- Knowing my friends and neighbors go out of their way to defend my rights"= Gun nuts.

"16- We are the most patriotic community in the world"= Gun nuts.

"17- The business possibilities that exist in such a growing market"= Drugs.

"21- The fourth Friday of each month is exciting and fun downtown to be able to meet friends, have a good meal, get some exercise and view some of the great art displayed in several of the local museums"= The other 29 days of each month are reserved for watching NASCAR on one's couch.

Fayetteville is also home to the terrifyingly-named "Army's Army," a bunch of volunteers who have "pledged their moral, physical and spiritual support to those in the military." As you can see by the attached genuine Fayetteville teevee ad, if you are an Army dude and you come to Fayetteville, you will get mad pussy, all of it officially sanctioned by the City of Fayetteville.

If you're not in the Army, fuck you.

[via Adfreak]