Yeah, we don’t trust her either, nation tells MI5

The nation has spoken of its distrust of Priti Patel, after it was revealed there are those in the security and intelligence services who would rather not entrust her with confidential and sensitive information.

Withholding information from people you can’t trust has long been a staple of the intelligence community, but apparently it’s a bad thing when one of the people you don’t trust is the Home Secretary.

A nameless source from MI5 told us, “Look, I find it strange that people would automatically trust a woman who changes immigration rules that would exclude her own parents – I mean, are we the only ones who see that as a bit of a ‘red flag’ on the trustworthy front?

“She also appears to have a bit of difficulty understanding the difference between ‘terrorism’ and ‘counter-terrorism’. Which is something we literally learn on day one of intelligence school.

“That’s without the whole ‘went off to run her own foreign policy in the middle-east without permission from the government’ – which people seem to forget led to her being fired in disgrace.

“And we haven’t even mentioned her support for the death penalty.

“So we have a woman in a powerful position who would prevent her parents coming to live here, was fired in disgrace for going behind the government’s back, who keeps mixing up terrorists and the people trying to stop them and thinks the state should kill people – yeah, I wouldn’t trust her to put the bins out, never mind run the Home Office.”

Meanwhile, a government spokesperson has issued a statement insisting Patel has the complete faith of the prime minister, which probably means she’s bullying him too.