By Erin Gloria Ryan | 2 October 2012

Jezebel

In the run-up to an election, it’s not uncommon for special interest groups to release ads pushing a specific agenda in the hopes of swaying voters as they head to the polls. But only once in a generation does a social awareness ad reach the heights of hyperbole-murdering crazy reached by this anti-contraception spot, released by a group of nuns in Ohio who hope to convince fellow Catholics that “contracepting” is responsible for all manner of social ills, from homosexuality to beastiality to straight up murder. What other lessons can we learn from the awesomely insane YOU DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH: CONTRACEPTION? Let’s take a journey through the 14 most important “facts.”

1. Birth control will make it so no man wants to have sex with you.

This is because chemicals in hormones interfere with phermones, which render women ugly to men. That’s why no one has sex anymore. Because men are just totally turned off by women, because of birth control.

2. Contraception confuses men and has led to an exponential increase in sluttery.

“Studies have shown that men are more attracted to more average, fertile women than they are even to super models,” according to the video. Studies! Can’t argue with studies!

To make up for the dearth in female attractiveness, women have to try extra hard to attract a man, painting themselves up like Whores of Babylon and opening their legs to whoever. The video, again,

Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.

Thanks to stupid birth control, nowadays, 9% of women and 29% of men have had more than 15 sexual partners. And at least 10% of women are lying to say that they have fewer than 15 sexual partners, because come on. Everyone I know has had sex with more than 15 people.

3. Whore pills will cause your monkey husband to divorce you, and then turn gay.

Unfortunately, because of the confusing chemicals in birth control significantly reducing the number of attractive women, men are really having a rough time. “What is a man to do when the majority of women are contracepting, and he no longer finds them desirable?” laments the concerned lady voiceover.

Are you ready for another science bomb brought to you by that historical bastion of science known as the Catholic church? Someone did a study in the 70’s that found that giving monkey women the Depo Provera shot caused the alpha monkey male to stop being attracted to them. After all of the females in his cage area were given Depo shots, the alpha male started having sexual intercourse with boy monkeys.

Ergo, birth control will turn your boyfriend gay, because humans are exactly like monkeys in every way.

4. Taking The Pill will literally kill you.

According to the video, here are the mild side effects of contraception,

Increased irritability

Increased propensity to depressing

Weight Gain

Reduced Sex Drive

Blood Clots

Hm. Sounds a lot like some of the side effects of pregnancy, which is a side effect of not using contraception (wait a gosh darn second, though — if birth control leads to decreased desire, then how is it responsible for the rampant sluttery we were just bemoaning?! The First Logical Mystery*). BUT WHATEVER. Fistulas and hemorrhaging during childbirth are God’s way of slapping your vagina high five. And gestational diabetes is like eating ice cream with the Virgin Mary.

But it gets worse. THE TRUTH about contraception is that it also leads to strokes and blood clots and death. Oh, my! Unfortunately, it’s impossible to know how many women died of birth control, because science is in cahoots with, I don’t know, Hugh Hefner to obscure just how bad contraception is for women. It’s all a giant conspiracy to make not being pregnant seem riskier than constantly being pregnant and then pushing a human out of a tiny hole between your legs.

5. Those harlot-enablers you’re taking once a day? The same thing as baby murder.

That’s right. You are MURDERING CHILDREN by preventing pregnancy. But, uh, first let me get the fine print out of the way: “baby” means fertilized egg. And we’re also going to pretend that there is scientific evidence to prove that fertilized egg implantation is prevented by the Pill. Which there isn’t.

But, shh. It’s way more convenient to build an anti-birth control straw man when we pretend that we’re uncomfortable with BABIES DYING rather than women having and enjoying sex without punishment.

A fertilized egg doesn’t look like a tiny homunculus as it swims doggedly for the uterus. It’s more like a drifting bundle of undifferentiated cells so small you can’t see it in a microscope.

6. Estrogen is in the tap water and it is turning us all into transsexuals.

Did you know that because of BIRTH CONTROL, our rivers and streams and veins now flow with artificial hormones? And that it is causing fish to be born infertile? And did you know that infertility is literally the worst thing that can happen to a woman because women were made to basically be disposable husks for fetuses?

Yes, birth control can lead to a triple horrorscape — being unattractive to men, being unable to have babies, AND lacking a clearly defined biological sex.

7. Birth control causes adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted diseases, and promiscuity.

Beware the scrolling Star Wars text of DOOM. All of these horrible things will happen to you thrice if you are one of the 99% of women who have at some point used hormonal contraceptives.

8. Let’s just come out and say it: birth control means not enough white babies.

This is some pretty bold dog whistle racism. Instead of using a dog whistle, the video’s just like, “Psst… white babies.” It’s not really a dog whistle as much as a dog hand signal that everyone can see.

Anyway, according to the video basically, if people in “good” countries like Russia and Germany and Amurrica don’t start having more babies, soon the world will be overrun with mud-people. As it stands right now, the American birth rate is barely high enough to sustain a healthy population, and that’s only because of immigration (psst: MEXICANS).

Most racist nuns ever or what?!

Anyway, the kicker, with explanatory asides added: “We (whites) are contracepting (lol; that’s not a gerund-able verb) ourselves (again, whites) out of existence.” And there’s no such thing as global overpopulation, because all humans could conceivably live in a space the size of Texas.

9. “The whole birth control mentality” means we get to decide when and how life comes about.

What sort of a murderous jerk tries to DECIDE stuff about their bodies?

Who the hell do we think we are, trying to use our bodies for something besides baby pouches? For shame.

10. That stuff about there not being enough babies? J/K, we only mean there aren’t enough babies when we’re talking about babies who aren’t born from IVF.

Just so we’re clear: fertilized eggs that don’t implant in the womb because of birth control have been murdered, but miscarriages and chemical pregnancies aren’t murder. And there aren’t enough babies, except there are way too many babies that exist because IVF. If pregnancy and birth aren’t a total crapshoot, then God gets pissed.

11. Contraceptecons are leading to beastiality and sex with children.

OK, I know some of the stuff from the video has been a little “out there,” but just try to follow the logic here: birth control is making us like animals because it’s allowing us to have sex whenever without getting pregnant, just like animals (oh, um… wait…). Anyway. So we’re like animals now because we have sex all the time, sometimes even whilst listening to popular songs by The Bloodhound Gang, which is leading a man named Brian in California to have sex with his dogs. Additionally, birth control-crazed men have even formed a club called “NAMBLA,” which works to make having sex with children legal.

See? It’s all coming together. Birth control made Brian rape his dogs. Having sex while on birth control is exactly like doing it with a person or entity that can’t consent.

12. Sterilization bad because people are more important than racehorses.

“If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person.”

This is a real quote from the video.

Game. Set. Match. No wonder female racehorses are constantly pregnant!

13. Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.

Tell that to the 800 women worldwide who die every day from preventable pregnancy and childbirth-related complications. I bet the kids they orphaned will be happy to know that their mom isn’t dead; she just privilege’d her way to heaven, where she’s in pregnancy yoga class with a yogi named JESUS.

14. A bunch of dead guys think that contraception is bad.

Popes, guys with woodcut portraits, out-of-context quotes from the Bible. Who can argue with a bunch of dead guys who were never pregnant?

[Joe. My. God.]

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