ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager on medical research companies and computer chip manufacturers to get my fix. I always thought those people were sick,” said Laramie, adding that ever since he’d fallen into this dark underworld, he has taken pains to hide his stock portfolio from his wife so she wouldn’t stage an intervention. “The rush I get from seeing the Dow Jones up 4% is unbelievable. Man, I really need baseball to come back so I can break out of this downward spiral. I almost blew my kid’s college fund buying Tesla stock. What have I been reduced to?” At press time, Laramie was donating $5,000 to his favorite local bookie to help them survive the pandemic.

Advertisement