Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump in his short time as chief executive has committed more presidential faux pas and his administration members have been involved in more scandals than any other president or administration in US history, and the historical negativity is reportedly beginning to worry Mr. Trump.

The President addressed these concerns in a Twitter rant today:

“I know this child-separation policy that Jeff Sessions did all by himself (and totally not with any help or support from me!) looks bad, but please don’t protest in the streets! I’ll be good, I promise!”

“There’s no reason to protest in the streets like they did in South Korea, or Iran, or Russia. Definitely no reason to demand my impeachment! We’re good, America, like halfway through the MAGA process! Trust me! I promise!”

“I know it seems like I’m a terrible, ignorant president, but that’s only because of the Democrats and the Fake News, I swear! Bad! I know there’s ongoing lawsuits and criminal investigations over treasonous collusion with Russia, the Trump Organization’s current profits, sexual assault, cyber crimes, money-laundering, and obstruction of justice…”

“…and so many others, but it’s all a smear campaign paid for by Crooked Hillary. I’m the most innocent President ever! Plus no president has done more than me! I know I’ve only been in office for a painfully long year and a half, but I’ve done more than Lincoln, both Roosevelt’s, and even the gay president combined!”

“And you know what? Vladimir Putin the other day called me on our special phone, and he told me I’m the toughest president he’s ever faced. Way tougher than Obama, he said, because Obama’s negotiations were multilateral and that Obama didn’t even profit from his work with the European Union.”

“You know how much of a percentage of Rosneft’s Russian energy exports I negotiated for myself with Putin? A lot! Because I’m a great dealmaker. Putin said I made a tougher bargain than the Brexit guys!”

“(I’m told by my lawyers that I accidentally misspoke in that last tweet, and that I don’t know what Rosneft is, and that, if Vladimir Putin were in this room, I wouldn’t be able to pick out which person was him.)”

“Look at North Korea. When we met in Singapore, Kim Jong Un gave me a briefcase of money, promised to always to book North Korean diplomats in my D.C. hotel, offered to build a Trump Tower in Pyongyang, and told me how skinny I was. I didn’t offer him anything!”

Democrats and the Fake News say I gave everything away without getting anything for America, but that’s not true! I got so much for America. Everything I do is for America. I’m rich, what do I need the money for? Democrats say I’m not really rich, but I so am.”

“Democrats say I’m using the great US Presidency to profit, but I’ve totally disassociated the Donald Trump name from my eponymous organization. I handed it off to my son, Donald Trump Jr., so there are no conflicts of interest whatsoever.”

At this point in the Twitter thread, it was 4am and the tweets stopped coming.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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