Kristen Saban, daughter of University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, is as close to royalty as Alabama gets. She is also, according to a recently-filed lawsuit that alleges she beat the shit out of her sorority sister over a mean Facebook status, completely insane.

Usually, the story of a few sorority sisters at the University of Alabama getting up to some obscure drunken weekend drama would be incredibly boring. But usually that story wouldn't be told in the wonderfully dry, legal tone of Stephen Strickland, attorney-at-law. And usually that story doesn't include quite as much blood.

"In August 2010, Kristen Saban and Sarah Grimes were friends and sorority sisters," Strickland opens. (You can almost hear him saying "but not for long" under his breath.) On August 28, Saban and Grimes and some other sorority sisters did a "power hour" ("a drinking game on YouTube, where you drink every time the song changes," Strickland explains) and closed down Rounders, a bar, where a mysterious on-and-off boyfriend of Saban's named "BV" was also drinking.

"Kristen," writes Strickland, "became angry with 'BV' because he was not paying enough attention to her." Later, at home, she "became upset with 'BV' again, while talking over the phone." Why does Strickland include "BV" in his account, when it's not necessarily relevant to the facts of the lawsuit? Because like any good storyteller, he needs to provide motivation and shading. The stage is therefore set for the next sequence of events:

15. Kristen was lying on the floor next to McKinnon and Hannah saying how everyone did not understand "how it was" for her and Kristen became emotional.

16. After Kristen refused to get off the floor after several people had tried to help her, Sarah looked over at Kristen and said, "Kristen, please just shut up. We're all sick and tired of hearing it."

17. Kristen jumped up off the floor screaming "No one likes you, you don't have any friends" and stormed to her room.

18. Sarah was laughing at this point because it was not unusual behavior for Kristen and made the comment, "You really need therapy."

19. Kristen then screamed at Sarah, "Yeah, because that obviously worked so well for you!" and then slammed her bedroom door.

You know what ingredient could really help this heady stew? Yes: Facebook.

23. Sarah checked her Facebook via her phone and saw that Kristen had posted a status saying "No one likes Sarah! Yayyyyy!"

24. Sarah showed Courtney her phone, and got up off the bed saying "I'm done."

25. Courtney cautioned Sarah from confronting Kristen about the status because of her known violent nature and previous assault on others.

26. Sarah stated to Courtney, "Well if she touches me, I'll kill her."

And then, holy shit:

31. Kristen immediately used both of her hands and shoved Sarah into the corner of Courtney's open door, slamming Sarah's head.

32. Sarah defended herself by pushing Kristen into the opposite wall, saying "Don't touch me."

32. Kristen proceeded to punch Sarah Grimes multiple times in her head and nose, and to pull Sarah's hair, even though Kristen knew that Sarah had really bad migraines from a prior head injury from an automobile accident.

33. By this time Meghan, who was outside in the parking lot, heard the yelling and ran upstairs.

34. Sarah screamed "I'm calling the cops!"

35. Kristen's grip on Sarah's hair prevented Sarah from getting away and they moved down the hall toward the kitchen as Sarah tried to get away.

36. After multiple blows to Sarah's face, Hannah intervened and tried to pull Kristen away but was unable to do so due to Kristen's grip of Sarah's hair and Kristen refused to stop hitting Sarah.

37. The screaming woke up Beth Terry, who immediately jumped in to help pull Kristen off from behind (Beth's shirt was ripped and stained with Sarah's blood).

38. It took both Beth Terry and Hannah Muncher to pull Kristen off of Sarah.

39. Once Kristen stopped hitting Sarah, Sarah saw a large amount on blood on the wood floor.

40. Sarah looked down and noticed a great amount of blood was running down her chest and into her bra.

41. Sarah felt her nose and realized that the blood was coming from it.

This is very different from what I've been led to understand sorority life is like. From documentaries I watch. Grimes later went to the hospital and declined to press criminal charges; she now says that the beating left her with "repeated night terrors, anxiety, physical trembling, fears of dying from brain injuries, trouble sleeping, and intrusive recollections of the event," and is seeking more than $10,000 in damages.

Here's the full filing:

[WaPo, Outkick the Coverage, Deadspin]