Welcome back to Beards of Gaming, where I grab the gaming world by the pussy tickler and Make Games Great Again™.

As before, I’ve picked a bearded character from the gaming world and I plan to give them a comprehensive beard analysis and rating with some advice for how you, too, could beard like them. Each beard will be judged on appearance; volume, gloss, style, and personality. Creativity and originality are also big factors in the judgement process and will be commented on when appropriate.

Now, is there any greater connection between a profession and the “man mane” than that of a Pirate? Well, I suppose lumberjacks… and dwarves… and bikers, vikings and wizards too? Whatever, pirates are cool! They’re the hardy rogues of the sea, those truly free men who swore in to plunder not for just themselves but for their whole crew. Pirates get a bad rep, did you know that they voted on most of their core decisions like civilised gentlemen? If anything, they were better at democracy than the Greeks! That said, there aren’t any nice pirate cheeses anymore, so the Greeks still have that on us!

Beards are a source of professional pride in pirates; they can’t hang you if they don’t know where your neck is, right? That’s why today’s pick is one of the most notorious pirates in gaming…

LeChuck! (The Secret of Monkey Island)

LeChuck is the bad guy of the Monkey Island games and may or may not be the brother of Guybrush Threepwood. Honestly, I’m leaning towards the latter, Guybrush barely has the capacity for a goatee and I sincerely struggle to trust a man who chooses to stay clean shaven despite expressing a wish to become a pirate. Guybrush does sound a little bit like a euphemism for a beard, though, so perhaps he’s not beyond redemption.

Look at LeChuck though! Perhaps the Secret of Monkey Island was his daily beard care routine all along.

There is no finer thing than a Pirate Captain with a Pirate Captain’s Beard. These gentlemen managed to endow themselves with some of the finest facial decorations ever put to ink. Blackbeard, Redbeard… other colour beards (probably); LeChuck earns his place amongst his peers with a great big bushy bastard of a beard.

What rating does it get?

LeChuck’s beard is a fine example of a full garibaldi and he’s evolved the look throughout his years as a pirate boss. That simply has to win praise, unlike so many of the characters in this series LeChuck simply isn’t content resting on his hairy laurels. He’s constantly staying in vogue and I think his best look can be found in the later episodes of the Tales from Monkey Island series, where his godly powers create a lightning blue highlight that really brings out his eyes. 9/10

How do I get a beard like this?

Unfortunately LeChuck is dead and is therefore either a ghost pirate or a zombie pirate or a demon pirate. The canon is a little unclear on which but we can assume that his beard is definitely dead too. All three pose very different pogonotrophic challenges so I’ll list your options for each.

The best approach to growing a ghost beard is to grow a living beard first and then die horribly. The latter helps anchor your immortal soul to the world of the living, only the most die hard pogonophiles will remain tethered to this reality for the love of their own beards. Zombie beards are a little harder to manage as it’s often quite easy to lose one’s entire jawline due to decomposition – a little bit of beard oil and formaldehyde should do the trick! As for a demon beard, I’m afraid the only option you have can be sourced on page 243 of the Necronomicon where an illustrated guide for demonic facial hair summoning can be found. Pro tip: sea salt makes for more bougie salt circles

See you next time for… Beards of Gaming!

Previous beards covered in this series include…

