NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney got a rare piece of good news today, as a new poll showed him faring well among voters who have never heard him speak.

According to the poll, which has a margin of error of three points, Mr. Romney garnered positive ratings among voters who agreed with the statement, “I have never seen Mitt Romney say or do anything.”

The poll showed Mr. Romney doing especially well among certain demographic groups, including people who had been trapped in a mine cave-in or who had recently awoken from a coma.

For Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, the poll results offer “an amazing opportunity” for the campaign: “We have to identify those voters who have never heard Mitt talk and make sure they never do.”

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Photograph by Lauren Lancaster.