With nearly 7.5 weeks left before the NFL preseason begins, longtime Tennessee Titans fan Herbert James of Donelson reports that he is struggling to find other ways to maintain a steady level of soul-crushing depression and disappointment during the off-season.

“It would be pointless to get my spirits up during the offseason,” noted James, “because then they’re just going to be crushed again once [the Titans] start playing in August. It’s far more sensible to keep myself at a steady level of sadness throughout the year so that I feel… well, I guess just more even-keeled, ultimately.” However, James points out that year-round maintenance of the kind of attitude a Titans fan feels during the August-January months is no small feat. “Finding a way to be deeply bummed is easy every now and then, but finding a way to bury oneself in all-encompassing despair and futility on a weekly basis is much trickier than it seems. It’s really taking a lot of work.”

James lists several main tactics which top his list for keeping a steady sorrow. “First, I rewatch ‘Firefly’ and ‘Pushing Daisies’ and think about what the future seasons could have been like. Secondly, I promise myself a treat of some sort if I can listen to the radio for more than ten minutes without hearing a commercial for someone selling diamonds. Third, I eat in the Food Court at Opry Mills at least twice a week and think about how much fun I could be having instead if I were riding the Screamin’ Delta Demon in that very spot. And, when all else fails, I go on Tinder dates with Blake Shelton fans.”

James notes that, while helpful, these tactics are not engendering the same level of deadening ennui experienced by long-time supporters of Nashville’s NFL franchise. In his struggle to be more effectively distraught, James notes that he has considered moving to Smyrna as what he considers “a nuclear option”, but adds that he thinks that could be a bridge too far. “That would greatly simplify things during the off-season, sure. But come August, I’d be both a Titans fan and a Smyrna resident, and I just don’t see how I could possibly ever cope with being both at the same time.”

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