The Hive has come into possession of what purports to be a memo outlining the first 16 hours of original programming for Donald Trump’s rumored news network. Our research team, lawyers, and journalistic ethics compel us to disclose that this document may have been hacked, leaked, or entirely fabricated.

Monday, November 7, 2016

To: Donald J. Trump, Chairman and President, The Trump Organization

From: Jared C. Kushner, Executive Producer, Trump TV

* * * C O N F I D E N T I A L * * *

Below please find a draft of the line-up we discussed for our first 16 hours of original programming. Omarosa is in for the 3 P.M. hour, pending final negotiation of her contract, and Alex Jones just confirmed today. Newt is still haggling with us over toy royalties for his morning show, but I think we can satisfy him with a “creative consultant” credit.

Best,

Jared

6 A.M.: Wake Up, Sheeple! With Alex Jones: A morning talk show, with the latest in news, weather, and which radioactive zones to avoid after the Illuminati enact their final solutions.

7 A.M.: Saturday Morning with Tiffany and Eric: The pity show given to the two most-ignored Trump children.

8 A.M.: Newt’s Law: A children’s educational program. For 22 minutes every afternoon, Newt Gingrich will teach kids about history, science, and technology. At the end of every show, Newt will somehow bring everything back to the subject of immorality in America.

9 A.M.: Ivanka: A daytime talk show hosted by Ivanka Trump, focusing on the issues facing mothers and women in the workforce, as well as lifestyle tips and current events. The only show that normal people will watch before switching channels.

10 A.M.: Conway Or Another: A quirky sitcom about a career woman trying to have it all while balancing her family and her boss’s multiple personalities. Every week, her children will learn a new lesson about how something awful that happened is actually a good thing.

11 A.M.: Access Hollywood with Billy Bush: Because only one network would ever hire Billy Bush.

12 P.M.: Mexican Immigrant Warrior: Undocumented immigrants run an obstacle course across the US-Mexico border. Obstacles include “Drone Dodge,” “Minuteman Alley,” and “The Warped Wall.” Whoever successfully completes the course wins the title of "Baddest Hombre", and is immediately sent back to Mexico. Hosted by Joe Arpaio.

1 P.M.: Dynasty: Secrets! Lies! Affairs! Intrigue! Money! Ambition! A soap opera about the evil Clinton family.

2 P.M.: Project Runaway: A TV competition where supermodels must run away from Donald Trump.

3 P.M.: Orange is the New Black: A reality show following Donald Trump’s adventures with his close African-American friends, such as Herman Cain, Dr. Ben Carson, and Omarosa. Like all good reality shows, it is scripted.

4 P.M.: Trump Jeopardy!: A quiz show. Answers must be in the form of an accusation against Hillary Clinton.

5 P.M.: The Trainee: Clearly not a second-rate knockoff of The Apprentice (TM Mark Burnett Productions).

6 P.M.: Breaking Bridge: A prestige drama. Facing the loss of his career, a struggling New Jersey governor makes the life-changing decision to become an underground Trump supporter to provide for his family.

7 P.M.: Talking Bridge: A post-Breaking Bridge talk show where Donald Trump talks about how bad Chris Christie is.

8 P.M.: Curb Your Supremacism: David Duke gets into awkward situations when his everyday annoyances about Jews and African-Americans cause PC-obsessed liberals to get mad at him for some reason.

9 P.M.: Hannity: The exact same thing as the Fox show.