This morning I met the Hospice nurse at Al’s Day Program. He was not a happy camper. He had wet through his clothes and he was highly embarrassed about this. The nurse checked his vitals and his blood pressure was quite high.

We left him crying. I felt terrible but I knew that the nurse and I were a reminder of what illness was doing to him.

When he got off the bus tonight we ate. Once again he didn’t eat all of his supper. I believe that three times including the weekend he ate about half of his meals. After supper and stripping his shirt off, brushing his teeth and taking him to his room, I took off his shoes and socks because he wanted to nap.

When his feet were exposed I looked at them, ready to help him get in bed, and I saw something that made me tell him to hold on. I went to my own bathroom and threw up.

It isn’t that I am sick but instead sick at what I saw. I remembered back to the visit with hospice this morning and her telling me Al’s heart is so weak. He could go at any moment or hold on for several more weeks.

When I had looked at his toes each of the nails were dark gray and the foot was total purple. His nails at supper I had noticed were grayer than usual but I said nothing. I don’t speak to him about my observations unless he brings it up himself.

When I came back he was already asleep. I woke him and helped him get in bed. I took his hand and squeezed it firmly. I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “bud I just want you to always remember one thing.”

He asked, “what?”

” Always remember that I love you so very much. You are my baby brother.”

He said, ” I know.”

Then I rolled him on his back and he drifted back off to sleep.