The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy states that if you are eating a meal with someone who ordered fries, and you didn’t order fries, you’re entitled to grab one of their fries and eat it just as it’s landing on the table as long as a) you ask first, b) you make eye contact with them and raise your eyebrows until they nod, or c) you just know them really well.

Also, since you’re getting first dibs on their sizzling stick-pile of delicious, hot, oily fries, it’s only fair that you purposefully avoid any obviously amazing fry in the pile. You know that really, really long McDonald’s fry sticking out of the box? Probably shouldn’t touch that. But the thin, crispy short ones, the oversalted ones, and the regular, limp n’ floppy ones? Those are all fair game, my friend. All fair game.

But be careful out there: The policy can be abused. Some people might start pecking away at the fry-pile then just start gaining momentum, unable to stop gorging themselves on your plate once they get started. They just keep testing the waters, pushing the envelope, snacking away until you move your plate out of reach or ask them politely how their food tastes. I’m serious, you need to watch out for these Gorgers, because they’ll dent your fry-pile if you’re not careful.

Secondly, watch out for those diner plates that come with only a dozen fries. You know what I’m talking about. Those places that give you a small pile of thick, baked-potato-tasting fries, and that’s it. Those piles are off-limits! Sorry, but the Universal Fry-Sharing Policy simply does not cover extremely small piles of chunky-style fries. It would be too much to take one of those fries. The percentages just don’t work.

Finally, there is one Appendix to The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Conveniently, it is called Appendix One and it simply states that after somebody who ordered fries finishes their meal and pushes their leftover pile of dry, cold, ketchup-smeared fries into the center of the table the first dibs go to people who didn’t get fries. Second dibs go to those who already demolished a stack of them, but just want more. And third dibs go to the guy washing the dishes in the back.

So thanks, Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Your existence is a win-win, balancing the tables by helping us fry guys trim down the calories and helping the “Can I substitute salad for fries?” folks enjoy some guilty pleasure while still meeting their Eatin’ Healthy goals.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here