Katie Donovan adheres to the adage, ‘He who speaks first, loses.’ Early in her career, the founder of US-based consultancy Equal Pay Negotiations interviewed for a job in sales and was offered it on the spot. When the interviewer named a salary, she said she’d get back to him next week and then sat quietly. He raised the offer. She repeated her tactic. Finally, he made a third offer of 20% more than the first. She accepted.

“More than product knowledge or anything else, silence is the hardest technique to learn,” says Donovan. “It’s against our instincts. We want to fill in the blanks.”

Rather than waiting until a tough negotiation, she recommends practising with friends and colleagues. “Ask a simple question, like ‘What did you do at the weekend?’ And then shut up. Once you’ve practised keeping quiet it’s very useful throughout your whole life, from hanging out with friends to buying a house.”

When to speak up

Of course, there are times when it’s better to speak up. Silence can sometimes be misinterpreted, says Tannen. Researchers of courtroom interaction found lawyers advised clients giving testimony to think before answering and not jump in immediately. But juries often suspected that a silence before speaking meant the person was concocting a lie, she says. “The intention and the effect of silence are often different.”

In the workplace that can mean a manager announcing a decision and assuming that if staff are unhappy they will speak up, she explains. The employees, however, may see no point in saying anything because the boss has made up their mind. “That’s a very dangerous difference,” she says.

Learning how to face silence is an important skill, says Matthew MacLachlan of UK-based Learnlight, a language and soft skills training provider – especially when working across cultures.

“Chinese negotiators are very, very aware that Americans like to fill silences and they are trained to stay silent and impassive because that will make the Americans uncomfortable and possibly make concessions without the Chinese having to do anything,” he says.

So, what’s the best response? “Grit your teeth and wait it out. Don’t offer a compromise or concession just because they are not speaking. If you have to say something, ask a direct question, such as ‘What’s your initial reaction to that offer?’