CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the goal of getting sweet vengeance on Mars for what it did to the Opportunity Rover back in 2018—you hear that, you son of a bitch? We’re coming for you,” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstein of the dual turret and nuclear rocket-mounted robotic rover, noting that the entirely bulletproof Vengeance carried enough firepower to “unleash holy hell on Mars and then some” on a mission that they speculated would need to last over five years to satisfy the administration’s desire for righteous bloodshed against the fourth planet from the sun. “Ever since that cruel dust storm in June 2018 tragically ended the Opportunity Rover’s mission, we’ve been biding our time and waiting for the perfect moment to get even with this ugly red bastard. And that moment has finally come. Or maybe you thought we forgot, you stupid fuck? No, NASA never forgets. It just smiles and waves, and then it builds a near-indestructible rover that gets even with a hydrogen bomb delivered to your impact crater when you least expect it.” At press time, Bridenstein speculated that the Vengeance Rover would be able to reign down hellfire on Mars indefinitely without maintenance due to its being powered exclusively by sheer malice and spite.

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