San Francisco–Twitter Inc will be rolling out a new program called the Trust & Safety Council in hopes of warding off meek, neckbearded pieces of shit from the popular microblogging platform, according to sources close to the company. The major change comes after several prominent users voiced their disfavor of Twitter’s loose terms of service guidelines, which previously allowed fat, acne-riddled creeps to interact with the rest of the population.

“One of the biggest changes our users wanted was a way to report discrimination based on sexuality, race and gender,” said Jack Dorsey at a recent investors meeting. “So with the new Trust & Safety Council feature, Twitter will warn you if any straight white dude is mansplaining on your news feed.”

The announcement comes as Wall Street and Silicon Valley investors express skepticism about the growth of the service, which has stalled in recent months. But the new reforms will likely boost confidence in the company, which will now apply innovative artificial intelligence and community data reporting to make sure no one else can join the cool kids club without the express permission of a couple of privileged administrators.

“What we’re applying is a top-down approach that privileges those who admit they are privileged,” added Dorsey. “And the more they admit to their own privilege, the more power they will wield when trying to ban people who believe they have the privilege to challenge your version of privilege. Simply put, I am deeply privileged to be introducing this new technology.”

So far, the members of the Trust & Safety Council are celebrating the new partnership, which will help major brands and media outlets avoid the bullies that pose the biggest threat to their online presence, such as Chad, who tormented Unilever and Coca-Cola so much, they almost had to quit social media altogether. “Now,” said Unilever spokesperson Sandra Blankheart, “Chad will not be able bully us as we try to raise global awareness for our new line of body sprays.”

But privilege aside, some dissenters believe that the new council will only send a chill through the keyboards of the free-speech warriors crusading for free expression on Twitter. But Dorsey believes that we need to move on from that juvenile attitude, stating that “we are past the days of the Green Revolution and the Arab Spring. Sure they needed Twitter to topple those governments, but now we have losers that believe the media industry is now coordinating to silence those that divert from the main narrative.”

“They just need to, like, shut up already. Especially Chad. Chad Sucks.”