It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some more new releases!

Epik High ft. Crush – Lovedrunk

The song is crap but at least IU gets to do what she’s always wanted to, which is beat the fuck out of people for breathing. You can bet she’s pretending that the other woman is whoever at Loen made her do “Marshmallow” at half-time for Starcraft tournaments.

100% – Still Loving You

A slight nod to T-ara style mid-paced ballads in this one’s chord progressions saves it from being complete crap.

Mamamoo – Gogobebe

As usual not exactly a great song from Mamamoo but Moonbyul in a pinstriped suit looks more suave than any k-pop male anywhere (even the ones who don’t rape people).

Dreamnote – Hakuna Matata

This is actually pretty moshing, you wouldn’t want to get caught in a wall of death to this song, you’d get fucking DESTROYED.

Park Bom ft. Dara – Spring

Of course the song is crap but hey Bom looks great! Sure, it’s all carefully-selected angles and precise back-lighting to hide all the surgical mishaps, but there’s no denying that the desired result is achieved.

GWSN – Pinky Star (Run)

GWSN have had some great visual ideas and concepts so far, which look amazing given that they’re coming from a complete nugu agency, I wonder what their story is. Unfortunately the songs are still lagging behind everything else a bit so far.

Highcolor – The Season

I guess if you’re going to have a seasonal comeback you could be really clever about it and not actually specify the season, that way if it becomes a viral hit people will make it trend every three months instead of once a year. Why didn’t Busker Busker think of this.

The T-Bird – Rock Star

Okay so it sounds a little bit like one of those “demonstration” songs on workstation keyboards with those random 7th chords that come in for no reason, but apart from this it’s not too bad.

Jannabi – For Lovers Who Hesitate

Seungri’s friends can’t relate to this song.

415 – Take Me There

Meanwhile this guy looks really miserable, maybe some sex services could cheer him up. He should go somewhere where that stuff is legal and above-board, some of my Twitter friends could probably help him out.

Kim Yoon Hee – Rain Drop

At least some people aren’t into the seasonal crap, that’s good, even if the song isn’t.

Jane Jang – Eungbongyo

For some reason Jane Jang sounds just like an SM Entertainment ballad singer instead of a Mystic89 ballad singer these days.

Hi Cutie – White Day

For some reason whoever wrote the vocal phrasing to this didn’t get the memo about the required mood that they were supposed to be going for and thought they were writing for some kind of speed rap song. Still, you can’t deny this song’s non-Autotuned charm. Your bias probably can’t sing this good when the machine is turned off.

Ali – No Way

Agreed.

Trei – Gravity

It’s alright apart from the trap breakdown actually, sorry I missed this one. I don’t mind if you guys link me stuff I miss by the way, as long as it’s eligible.

CLC – Like It

Looks like CUBE are going to do that thing again where they don’t give CLC videos for good songs.

CLC – Show

Ya, rly. It kind of sucks that these songs are technically eligible actually – CLC need to give other groups a chance here. If my year-end list is just all CLC songs it’s going to be a really boring read.

Lim Hyunjung – Saudade

I hate those buskers who travel the entire goddamn world playing guitar busking. You’re basically giving them money to fuck off on a plane to the next town, which is tempting because they always suck, so it’s kind of bribery when you think about it.

Yeri – Dear Diary

Dear diary: today I did a shit song for SM Station because I was in between Red Velvet comebacks and why not. I hope tomorrow is better.

OurR – Swing

Just in case you were wondering, no this song is technically not a “swing” rhythm. Which reminds me that I’m overdue for the next part of the music theory series. You can blame Seungri’s smegma-encrusted knob for that.

Sumi Jo – I’m A Korean

What’s worse, nationalistic identity politics or shit ballads? You be the judge.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK

LOONA VS. THE WORLD: How The K-Pop Industry Failed This Rookie Group [A History Documentary]

There actually aren’t that many genuine “passion projects” in k-pop, the only ones that spring readily to mind are Loona, Honey Popcorn and Chad Future (also Oli London etc). They all have one thing in common – they’re operating from completely outside the normal market parameters of the Korean music industry, because they’re relying on very large and completely 100% outside sources of income to sustain themselves, therefore their levels of success or failure aren’t that relevant to the people involved. If Oli London has $100k to blow on his face and another $150k spare change left over for a k-pop debut, you can bet that he’s not exactly desperately banking on a return of his investment. Sure, he’d love it if he became a millionaire from k-pop I’m sure (anyone who says they don’t want lots of money should start giving some of it to me), but that’s clearly not the main reason for him making his project. Chad Future actually was already a millionaire or thereabouts thanks to his highly-successful video production career, and didn’t need his k-pop project to make bank, he just did it because he was in a good position to have a try at it (already owning all the necessary video equipment makes a huge difference to the viability of such a venture) and he could. Yua Mikami makes so much money from her drama appearances that she could easily compete with IU in the real estate market, her group flopping is a huge non-issue. And Loona’s bankrollers are richer than all of them combined. So what the fuck are Loona fans worried about the group’s success or failure for? I realise that this type of thinking pattern is a bit unusual and goes against everything your favourite TV shows ever taught you, but really, just relax your fucking tits and enjoy the fact that Loona are one of the rare groups that don’t actually need to worry too hard about success or failure on any terms except their own. Blockberry will keep Loona alive as long as it amuses them to do so, no more or less, so the best thing to do if you’re concerned about the group’s longevity is to stop making a fucking big deal and pissing off Blockberry’s employees with your pointless protests and overdramatic whining to the point where they get sick of doing their job and decide to throw in the towel because they just can’t be fucked dealing with your bitching. Further reading about other areas of concern here.

That’s all for this week – roundup shall return next week with more new songs!