ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The one thing Henry Jacob’s divorced parents can agree on is the fact that they wasted countless thousands of dollars putting him through one of our town’s most exclusive private schools.

The 24-year-old’s friends are constantly dumbfounded as they bear witness to Henry’s immeasurable stupidity day-in-day-out.

Every so often, he manages to out dumb himself with one seemingly apathetic, ignorant comment after another.

None the less, there’s never a nefarious motive to Henry’s life. He’s a talent sportsman, to some degree. He’s exceptionally generous and loyal. It’s just sad that his most overarching character trait is his flagrant disconnect from the world around him.

His most recent example came today.

Shortly after lunch, which he spent with friends from university, he overheard two friends of his discussing the ongoing plight of China’s persecuted Uighur people.

Confused, Henry asked them what they meant by that.

“Why is China putting people like Ali G and Eminem in jail?” he asked.

His friends were confused.

“Like white blokes who dress up like 50 cents and shit? You know what I mean?”

The penny dropped and they all groaned.

Now Henry was confused – but he didn’t dwell on it. He started laughing along with his friends who were laughing at him.

“D’oh!” he yelled.

They all laughed even harder.

Then, as most private school people do, they just went on with their lives like leaves gliding down as gentle river.

More to come.