California Mandates Conversion Therapy For Straight Kids

SACRAMENTO, CA—California's governor signed into law Thursday a bill that mandates conversion therapy for straight kids.

The law requires any child who comes out as straight in the state of California to undergo two years of straight to gay conversion therapy by a state-licensed therapist. Treatment includes shock therapy, poking them with pointy sticks, and making them listen to Nickelback albums. California public schools will provide free screenings to kids as young as five years old to test for straightness, so they can catch the disease early.

The state has previously come down hard on conversion therapy designed to "convert" gay people into straight people, "but it was time to take things a step further," said Governor Newsom.

"How can we call ourselves a pro-LGBTQ...A? Are we still doing A?" Newsom said. He waited for an aide to confirm. "OK, A is out. Sorry about that. As I was saying, how can we call ourselves a pro-LGBTQ+ state if we aren't electrocuting kids who don't get on with the program?"

Newsom also bravely stepped up to be the first one to undergo the therapy.

"Now I no longer have to hate myself for being straight," he said as he put on his headphones to begin a close listen of Nickelback's All the Right Reasons.

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