New Liverpool signing Raul Meireles is set to disappoint die-hard Reds fans with the stunning claim that he only joined Liverpool “ironically”. Speaking just days after making his debut versus Birmingham City on Sunday, Meireles is however understandably aware of the history of the club, admitting that he is “really into that late 80s early 90s stuff right now”.

When offered the chance of a move following Javier Mascherano’s departure to Barcelona, the Portuguese could not refuse the opportunity for what he called “LULZ” – presumably some kind of Lower East Side Porto slang – adding that “Liverpool right now are sort of like so bad they’re good?”

Having made just one brief, yet nonchalantly superior substitute appearance so far, Meireles is hoping to adapt to the pace of the Premier League, though he has been warned that it will be an uphill challenge, which is, admittedly, tricky when you ride a fixed gear bicycle. Similarly, sources close to the club have reported that attempts to bond with his teammates have floundered due to his insistence on drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon on nights out, a brand unavailable in Liverpool. Rumours that he attacked a DJ for not playing his Phil Collins vs Lil Jon mashup at a vegan crunk night remain unconfirmed.

Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has dismissed Meireles’ words as “exactly the kind of thing that happens when these sell-outs join a major club”. Though Hodgson expressed his pleasure at having won the race to sign the much-coveted Portuguese, he stressed his preference for the midfielder’s much earlier work with Clube Deportivo das Aves, “who you probably haven’t even heard of have you? God, you’re so mainstream”.