FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material. “Tim is Meg’s child from her first marriage, but I honestly think of him as my own son,” said the vacuous simpleton, whose low-functioning brain cannot grasp that he is wasting precious time and money on feeding, clothing, and looking after a boy who does not share his DNA and will do nothing to further his bloodline. “I actually see some of myself in the little guy [and must be a complete imbecile to spend my days raising what is, effectively, a parasitic stranger who seeks only to leech off of my resources for his own genealogical gain]. I just want to give him the best life I can.” At press time, the dimwitted nimrod was reportedly tearing up while reading The Giving Tree to a boy who, after his death, will leave him with a wholly barren biological legacy.

Advertisement