BELLEVILLE, ON – An anti-abortion monument has been erected by the Knights of Columbus for the fetuses who will never grow up to be a victim of a priest’s abuse.

“The Catholic Church continues its holy mandate to care about children so long as they don’t legally exist,” said a representative from an organization named in honour of the explorer responsible for a genocide of millions of indigenous people. “We cannot deprive the unborn of the sacred right to live a long and brutally traumatized life while the Church actively participates in covering up the crimes of our priests.”

Funding the monument was deemed most righteous instead going towards orphanages or victim support services since imaginary children rather than real ones is far more important.

“We believe the victims of abortion have the right to never to see justice while the Church shuffles abusive priests from parish to parish just the way God intended,” added the spokesperson.

Inscribed on the granite plaque reads “Life begins at being a priest.”