This story was originally published on May 16.

Tears roll down Emily Rennie's face as she recalls a church counsellor telling her she needed to give up her child for adoption because he was conceived out of wedlock — one of the most difficult moments that led to her ultimately leaving the Mormon faith that she had been raised in.

There are nearly 81,000 Mormons — members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as LDS — in Alberta, with the largest concentration in the southern part of the province, according to church records.

Those who choose to leave the church say it can be a lonely and isolating experience. That was certainly the case for Rennie and two other southern Alberta women profiled in a 30-minute documentary called Why I Left that airs May 16 on CBC Radio's The Doc Project.

"It was emotional and it was hard. But again, I would say it was no harder than sitting in church every week and feeling like I'm a hypocrite," said one of the other women, who is being called "Jane."

"I'm not lost. If anything, I'm found."

Emily's story

Rennie, now 28, was born and raised a Mormon. She lived in Stirling — a small agricultural, Mormon community of fewer than 1,000 people — until she moved to Lethbridge for college.

It wasn't until college that she even considered questioning her faith. She eventually decided she wanted to live outside the strict rules followed by practising Mormons.

Nash Rennie, 7, celebrates his birthday at his grandma's house. (Emily Rennie)

"One of the first things I did when I decided to start making my own choices is I bought coloured underwear and coloured bras," Rennie said.

Wearing pink panties was a novelty for Rennie because typically members of the LDS church wear a special kind of underwear known as "garments," which are similar to cotton T-shirts and shorts and considered sacred.

Being told that I can't raise my child as my own because I don't have a ring on my finger absolutely just brought everything to the surface … -Emily Rennie

"The guilt probably started in the store, choosing it out," Rennie said. "And it just took a lot of strength to remind myself that I am who I am and I need to allow myself to be who I am. And if that means wearing polka-dot pink underwear, then I need to give it a shot."

Then, while in her early 20s, she became pregnant out of wedlock.

"I think one of the biggest changing moments in my life was when I sat in the LDS family services building with a counsellor…. Obviously it was her job to encourage me to give my child up for adoption," Rennie said.

"She started talking about the process with which it would go and how I could help pick a family or not … Being told that I can't raise my child as my own because I don't have a ring on my finger absolutely just brought everything to the surface for me," she said.

Rennie opted to keep her son, Nash, who just celebrated his seventh birthday. The issue created a wedge between her and the church that she could never reconcile, she said.

She formally left the church about a year and a half ago.

Jane and Michelle

Unlike Rennie, the two other women in the documentary didn't cite any one moment as the reason for their rifts from the church, instead describing a gradual drifting away.

The women spoke to the CBC on condition that their identities not be revealed because they still live amid the community, so they'll be called "Jane" and "Michelle."

I didn't have to come home from [church] and feel judged and feel lacking or just feel a bit empty… - Michelle

Jane and Michelle are friends, now both in their 40s, who met in the church but chose to leave independently of each other.

Jane grew up a Mormon and didn't question church doctrine until her kids challenged her over things like LGBTQ issues and gender equality.

Michelle, on the other hand, was 19 when she joined the church. She said she doesn't regret the time she spent there, but eventually decided it was no longer the right place for her.

Jane and Michelle, who spoke to the CBC on condition that they not be identified, meet for coffee. (Sarah Lawrynuik/CBC)

"I was able to recognize the difference when I wasn't going, that I didn't have to come home from [church] and feel judged and feel lacking or just feel a bit empty, even," Michelle said.

Michelle has a number of children who are still involved in the church and thinks to a certain extent they are ashamed of her decision to leave.

Both women said they came to have a number of concerns about things, including the church's view of issues like homosexuality. Same-sex attraction is permitted, but acting on it is considered sinful.

Jane also recalls the discussion around transgender washroom access in schools being particularly contentious in the Mormon community.

Jane and Michelle - pseudonyms because CBC has granted them anonymity - discuss problems they see with attitudes, doctrine and teachings within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over tea. 3:22

"It just turned into, 'Our religious values are being attacked, we are persecuted.' … And this made an already uncomfortable decade for me as a person sitting in church every Sunday hearing things I didn't agree with — it started to bring everything to the surface," Jane said.

We're loved and cherished in the Mormon church so long as you are the subservient, home-making [wife]. - Jane

Michelle took issue with what she felt was a constant pressure to be perfect, to take on more responsibility in the church and live up to certain standards that she felt she never felt she measured up to.

Jane and Michele also both said they felt women in the church were treated as second-class citizens since they're unable to hold the priesthood and, they felt, generally discouraged from pursuing full-time employment and a post-secondary education.

"We're loved and cherished in the Mormon church so long as you are the subservient, home-making [wife]. 'I only work because I have to, or as a backup in case something happens to my husband.' That is really the way that it's set up," Jane said.

She says she spent years in a marriage with a partner whose actions "bordered on abusive, but certainly unstable" in part because she was counselled to do so by church leaders.

'I do not feel like we're treated as second-class citizens'

Many women within the LDS community in southern Alberta disagree with some of these criticisms.

Sherry Smith is one of them. She lives in the "Mormon Mecca," as the LDS website calls the city of Lethbridge. There are more than a dozen congregations in Lethbridge alone.

Sherry Smith, left, stands with other members of the East Lethbridge LDS women's group the Relief Society. 'I do not feel like we're treated as second-class citizens or lesser than the men,' says Smith, who's president of the group. (Sarah Lawrynuik/CBC)

Smith is the president of the East Lethbridge Mormon women's group the Relief Society, which focuses on service within the community, from food hampers to sponsoring refugees.

As women in the LDS church, I feel like we're very busy. We as mothers, we are busy raising families. Some of us have full-time jobs within the LDS community. - Sherry Smith, president of the Relief Society

"I do not feel like we're treated as second-class citizens or lesser than the men," Smith said.

"As women in the LDS church, I feel like we're very busy. We as mothers, we are busy raising families. Some of us have full-time jobs within the LDS community," she added.

When it comes to many of the other concerns raised by Jane, Michelle and Emily, she says the church's focus is always on loving one another — but there are certain rules, obligations and expectations set out for members of the church.

"If two men or two women were to marry … that is something that we can respect from a legal perspective, but we can't embrace from a religious perspective," said Cameron MacLennan, who is a lawyer in Lethbridge by trade, but also acts as a president within the church's executive.

Both MacLennan and Smith say they know a number of people within the church who "have same-sex attraction" but choose not to act on it. So long as they don't, there is no sin according to church doctrine, MacLennan said.

Both MacLennan and Smith also said the LDS church does not have formal doctrine that says parents who have children out of wedlock must put them up for adoption.

However, MacLennan added that he's not trying to "vilify or challenge" the women.

"I want them to sense or feel that I'm sorry this has happened. And if there's members of the church who can address that, we're happy to try to do that."

'A huge price to pay'

Jane says she knows other people who are questioning the beliefs of the church but are too afraid to leave.

"These people risk losing their friends and their family and all of the connections that they have in the community by stepping away from the church. I mean that's a huge price to pay, a huge price to pay."

I still have many friends that are part of the faith and I respect their decisions… - Michelle

All three women say they've lost LDS friends because of their decision to leave the church.

However, they've had friends who have reached out with their support.

"I still have many friends that are part of the faith and I respect their decisions and I respect their viewpoints," said Michelle.

"I feel that the church gave me a lot of beauty and it gave me purpose for almost two decades."