Authored By Sean Phipps

According to U.S. Fire Administration, almost 9,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for firework-related injuries in 2010. That doesn’t include the estimated thousands of additional people who thought it wise to skip the emergency room altogether and just perform rudimentary, at-home amputations on whatever limbs were injured. These statistics also omit any people who just died in firework explosions or misguided dares. Twenty-four states permit the sale of almost any type of firework imaginable, including Tennessee. That means you can purchase what amounts to a small bomb for a few dollars and legally shoot it up in the air. Awesome! Here are five completely unsafe games to play with fireworks.

Bottle rocket fight

Bottle rockets are one of the most dangerous types of fireworks because we don’t think they’re dangerous. I think we lump both bottle rockets and sparklers together as perceived safer forms of fireworks, when in reality they cause far more damage than any other type of firework during peak season. This is why an all-out bottle rocket fight with your friends is a terrible idea. Can you imagine how dangerous it would be to give a group of 20 drunken adults a box of bottle rockets and an empty Coke bottle? And then you could stage a “battleground” where you could fire and shoot those bottle rockets at your friends. Once you cry, then you’re out. The last person standing chooses what poisonous insect will be inside half of the plastic eggs at the annual Easter egg hunt.

Hot potato firecracker

Firecrackers were designed so that white males in middle school could have something to put in toilets other than cherry bombs. Hence the name fire “cracker.” It need not be just sixth-graders who enjoy the fun of firecrackers, however. Thirty-year-old adults can partake in a version of hot potato that will forever alter their lives and limbs. Gather around in a small circle (large enough, however, that a “toss” is necessary to reach the person beside you) of about 10 of your friends. Light a firecracker, and start passing it around. Most firecrackers have a time-delayed fuse of about 60 seconds. The person holding the firecracker at the end of the game will be, of course, the loser.

Firework chicken

This is a game to be played with a few people using mainly large fireworks of the aerial variety, or any firework, really, that has a base launching point. The “arbitrary igniter” will light the fuse while several people stand close to the launch. The closest person to the base of the firework at launch will win the game. Keep in mind that it is very dangerous to be near the launch of powerful pyrotechnics. This is why this game so challenging. Many people wouldn’t have the nerve to stand directly beside a launching fireworks display. That’s why it’s called “firework chicken.” I don’t recommend playing this.

Drunken sparkler tag

Sparklers are harmless, right? Nope. You are totally wrong if you believe that. According to the report linked above, 1,200 injuries were reported just from sparklers alone. Did you know that sparklers burn at anywhere from 1,800 to 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit? That is very hot. It’s also the reason I suggest not playing drunken sparkler tag in a dark warehouse with your friends. It would be very dangerous to attempt to “tag” someone in the face with a 3,000-degree burning torch. This sort of child’s play could make you one of the 1,200 injured annually. Don’t be a statistic.

Simon

This is a game I can wholeheartedly endorse. Do you remember the game called Simon where you attempt to match the robot by repeating a pattern of buttons? This repetition works well with fireworks and adds a little competition to an otherwise boring, pointless display. Here’s what you do: Divide into two teams and decide how much is to be spent of fireworks. Go to a reputable establishment and purchase exactly the same fireworks. Set up your station about a quarter of a mile away from each other, and use walkie-talkies to communicate. One team shoots off a pattern, and the other will try to repeat it, knowing they have access to the same fireworks. Continue this until the cops are called. Everybody is a winner.

You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.