Dear Lists,

I am so sorry to do this. We've been together for such a long time, after all. There are so many memories. You were there the first time people with no reading-comprehension skills threatened to murder me for saying stuff I didn't say. You were there when I learned the true meaning of friendship. And you were with me the first time I put my sexy, sexy body in front of a camera, and my inbox was flooded with emails from women explaining that I am so devastatingly attractive that it would be irresponsible for me not to impregnate all of them, that my legacy might persist after I finally die. We had a truly beautiful time together, Lists. But now I'm afraid we have to part ways.

Why? Well, I have a few reasons.