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FINE Gael have convened in government buildings for their weekly sigh of relief that they haven’t been overthrown by an angry mob, following yet another week of apathy from the Irish public.

With the housing crisis showing no signs of abating, the HSE in the worst shape it’s been in years and shades of rampant corruption and cronyism built into every fibre of Irish politics, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has stated that it’s a ‘good job’ that Irish people either don’t care about the attitudes and actions of their elected officials, or are ‘too idle’ to take to the streets and demand change.

Varadkar also added that the ‘I’m alright’ mentality of 98% of the population has been a ‘Godsend’ to his government, and should see the FG/FF confidence & supply system in place for the foreseeable future.

“If this was any other country, they’d have burned this motherfucker to the ground by now,” said Varadkar, going through this week’s portfolio of potential government-ending scandals.

“Jesus, any of these are cause for us to be dragged through the streets… it’s just fortunate that our electorate are not only too lazy to march on government buildings, but they’re actually inclined to get angry at the people who do protest. If this was the Middle East, I’d have had to send the army out on the streets by now”.

Meanwhile, applications are flooding in for people looking to cosy up to Fine Gael ahead of any potential General Election. To ensure that the people who fuck you over more than anyone else don’t fuck you over more than is absolutely necessary, apply now.