Well, according to these educational children's videos, that answer is a firm and resounding "Yes. Now shut up, Billy, or so help me God I will pull your tongue straight out of your head!"

If there's one thing that the whole world can agree on, it's that teaching children is the highest calling. But what's the best way to teach them? Through rote memorization? Through repeated quizzing? Through interactive puzzles and games? Or is it somehow simpler than that? Could it be as easy as, say, filming the most disturbing goddamn movies possible and showing them to the kids while simultaneously threatening to murder them and everybody they love if they ever step out of line again?

5 One Got Fat

What do you get when you throw a handful of serial killers into an empty room with nothing but a notepad, a bicycle and a pound and a half of mescaline? You get the script for One Got Fat, an educational film from the early '60s counterintuitively not about child obesity, but about bicycle safety.

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The video introduces 10 adorable children who are planning an innocent bike ride to the park for a nice, pleasant picnic. Little do they know that death is waiting for them at every corner ...

And little do you know that that's a good thing, because they're actually all terrifying monkey monsters with black holes for eyes:



Wait, this isn't how children always look?

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In downright biblical fashion, each of the monkey-children is stricken dead by fate (fate drives a garbage truck on the weekends to make ends meet).



Saturday night he hooks up with Destiny at the Lucky Pussycat Club.

So what were the children's sins, aside from being born monstrous abominations that should not live? Well, they're all guilty of such egregious crimes against God as forgetting to signal once, riding on the sidewalk and giving their friends a lift when they need it ...