My fingers are shaking in terror as I begin writing yet another part of this AAR, but at this point most important mechanics have been covered and this part in particular is short, so their fear is unfounded.



More corrections, I think these will become a regular thing because of my idiocy: a drunken dwarf called /u/General_Urist said that exploration idea group is blocked until 16 admin and 14 diplo tech for nations that are on the atlantic coast and 20 diplo for everyone else. YAY RAILROADING! I didn't realize this despite the ideas chart showing the requirements in the lower left corner because they weren't right next to the exploration ideas box but a little further away. Yes, I'm that stupid.

John offers to give France bailout loans because he's got money so he might as well spend it. This way we can also get to fight a war sooner.



oh god I'm having flashbacks



HEY GREECE, WE'RE FINLAND AND WE HAVE A FUCKLOAD OF DEBT, WANT SOME FREE MONEY FROM US?

Meanwhile in the east Muscovy is getting fucked for once. Haven't seen that before and it's very satisfying.



Sidenote: if you have MoH I'm pretty sure the russian states are tributaries to the white horde. i'm poor so i haven't bought the dlc yet ;(((



or wait should i use a dank emoji instead? those are cool nowadays right? they even made a c00l movie for kids about them



😢

France has absorbed its first vassal. They'll do that at a steady pace which is why you don't play as a french vassal (except for burgundy)



i don't know the exact mechanics because i've never played france, but vassal integration in general is very different in M&T. I assume they get a bonus to assimilate them quicker, or more likely an event or a decision separate from the usual mechanic because it says they inherited the throne instead of annexing a vassal.

Pamphlets circulate in the ducal court about John's wife Anne and their relationship, saying that John is completely under her sexy thumb. While the accusations are mostly true, admitting that would be a major hit on John's prestige and reputation. So instead, he bribes his respected advisor to step forward as the publisher of the pamphlets and admit they were just a prank bro. John "shows mercy" and pardons him. The real publisher, if he had had the guts to show himself, would not have received such nice treatment. He probably knew it.



(had had? god i hate the english language)

ALL YOUR SHAMROCK, HARPS AND ALCOHOL ARE BELONG TO US



seriously don't play in ireland

Heeeeyy nantes has 2 urban pops thanks to that town hall Charles built

Ignore what I said in earlier parts, banking won't spread to us any time soon as it can't even spread to a province right next to Paris. I'm pretty sure it only spreads to large cities and thus is supposed to give an early tech advantage to urbanized nations.



The new bishop of Vannes, Amaury de la Motte d'Acigné, comes from a noble family and had acquired the title via some crafty means. When John hears of this he does what internet posters do all the time: complain. He's not fond of the corrupt church fucking around in his duchy beyond his jurisdiction.

EAT SHIT MUSCOVY



wow for the first time I might see Ryazan form Russia instead of the usual Muscovy.

NO VOI SAATANAN PUNAINEN PERSE



Agent discovery is extra fun when you need a spy network twice as large!



Burgundy usually inherits Flanders, which is one of the wealthiest countries in Europe. I've read somewhere that if Burgundy gets 300 pop they can break free from France, so this helps achieving in that goal.

The king is dead, long live the new king!



Charles the fifth rises to the throne and proves to be a hack fraud.

OMNOMNOM

oh god what's that noise



shit it's dumb memers with their crusade memes



fuck some of them are alt-right trolls from 4chan who post-ironically hate muslims



FFFFUUUUCCCKKKK HERE IT COMES *covers ears*



DEUS VULT DEUS VULT DEUS VULT DEUS VULT DEUS VULT





So here's the brand spanking new crusade mechanic. It triggers usually when a catholic nation declares war on a heretics or infidels but not always, and can also be triggered by the vanilla crusade mechanic. I'm not entirely sure how it works because it's part of Dei Gratia and nobody fucking knows how things work in that mod. This time the crusade event was triggered by Hungary declaring war on Ragusa, who had embraced the dualism heresy.



You're given four options on how to support the crusade. John, being a fedoramaster and an edgy atheist who hates the church, tells the Pope that he's dumb and disliked his crusade memes on ye olde facebook.

You still haven't paid your debts? That's okay, here's more money.



Roleplaying makes me want to choke my character sometimes. I'd much rather spend that money on infrastructure.

The King of Castile opens talks with John about a formal alliance between their dynasties. He gladly accepts as their ties are already close and they have common enemies.



Looks like Castile either broke an alliance or upgraded their court level.

When an heir comes of age you get to make an "introduce heir" decision. It's a little thing mostly for historical immersion, but can be helpful if your heir has a bad claim to the throne.



Also John's son John (fucking kill me) has the silver tongue trait, pretty nice. He lost his tongue in a duel recently and his new prosthetic one made of shining silver looks really cool and people like it a lot.

hey jackass the war ended ages ago

Oh hey the Rectum of Ragusa has reconsidered his identity crisis and switched back to being an obedient catholic just after the crusade was declared.

too bad the city was already occupied. I have a feeling the rector didn't convert willingly.

Autonomous vassals of France can declare war on each other, so you're not completely fucked if you play as one. Now we got war right next door, but it shouldn't bother us.



Also here's the home of Charles' and John's dynasty. Back then many middle names were derived from people's homes, hence why so many dynastic names had "of" in them. Habsburgs were from a place called Habsburg, for example. I'm sure that place has tried to milk money out of big tourist tits. "Hey come visit our backwater town, that famous dynasty originated from here!"

I'M SURE THIS TIME THE COUNCIL WILL SUCCEED

O H S H I T



T H E S C H I S M I S O V E R



wait what the fuck



what do you mean "charm and beauty are sometimes as effective as cannons"?!



did the pope in rome seduce the pope in avignon?



*shudders*

It's over boys and girls. And no, the council had nothing to do with it as it just got started. In fact, I'm not sure why it ended. Possibly every time the Anti-Pope dies there's a chance for the schism to end or something.



After another council the Anti-pope resigned and his successor was later excommunicated by the Pope in Rome. The new King of France doesn't do much because he's a dumb kid and thus ends France's influence on Papal politics.

The schism modifier is gone! (meek yay)!

Yeah I get it the schism is over shut up

You converted? Too bad, we're gonna annex you anyways.

Fucking finally we have a large enough spy network to fabricate a claim.



John, ever in need of more money because he always loses it, wants to seize the important harbour of La Rochelle and some other nearby ports in the province of Aunis. With some fake documents he proves himself to be a somewhat distant descendant of the French counts of Poitou and thus has a claim on the region.



But we still can't declare war because france still has debt issues.



Let's throw more money at the problem. Even though I would rather just wait and save up cash.

Orleans manages to occupy Maine (gosh americans must be a bit confused by that) but Anjou and its capital Angers prove to be too hard to take.



Small countries in general struggle to take capital provinces without outside help. Be warned.

oh hey Anne want some money? okay here you go. oh anne you wanna be on top tonight, once again? okay. oh anne you want me to wear a collar and beg for sex again? okay



What did you expect from such a fedora-wearing neckbeard beta male?

Failing to take Angers, the Duke of Orleans is satisfied with just Maine.

Bishop of Rennes, Erwan of Montfort, openly critisizes John. He finds his lack of faith disturbing and demands him to act as piously as his father Saint Charles did. John responds by stuffing money into his mouth so he shuts up, but the damage has already been done. Religious scandals are a pain in the butt. As if our legitimacy wasn't already low enough.

Oh fuck I forgot about this



So this mechanic is a historical penalty to those far away from the heart of Christendom. We didn't have this when the Pope was in Avignon, but now that the Schism is over we basically have no papal influence. I don't know how you can move the capital of the papal states closer to you, but there is a way to do it. I once saw the Pope move to a backwater swamp in the middle of ireland at the request of the English King.

John's had enough of the catholic fucking church and its stupid shit. It's time to appropriate church property.



Doing this when you can is usually a good idea as a high amount of church property gives a big penalty to production efficiency, although it does give some unrest reduction.

Here's the requirements. If you want to donate land instead, you can almost always do that and prove yourself to be a pious man.

Here's what will happen after the button is pressed.

F U C K T H E C H U R C H



no i won't stop writing like this, i like the dumb meme too much

but sadly John is too much of a coward so when the priests just say "appropriating church property makes baby jesus cry" and his only option is to use force he chickens out and doesn't do anything. Beating up priests wouldn't exactly make him popular.

woah what a shocking turn of events

oh fuck off



just as i am about to declare war france decides to support the independence of aquitaine. Fucking charles, I'm gonna give him a real stern talk--

oh nevermind he's gone somewhere



i don't know what is happen (free upvote if you get that extremely obscure reference)



Berthe of Bar (what a cool name) is the nerdy regentess of France while Louis grows up, I guess.

Oh. Just after taking Maine the Duke of Orleans has lost a lot of his independence. Sucks for him.

Nobles in Aquitaine aren't happy about their liege, it's the perfect opportunity for attack. We can also see their army, 10k soldiers, but with France's help it shouldn't be too much of a problem.



Right now, this is pretty much the only penalty you get when your estate becomes disloyal, but in the future the nobles will raise an army and come to fuck you up. Assuming they have a bigger army than you, that is. Otherwise you'll probably fuck them up.



France has recovered from war exhaustion and manpower issues, but is still in debt. MORE MONEY!

oh go to hell i'm about to declare war on you. maybe later after i've taken that sweet port of yours.



god I kinda feel bad.



"hey would you like to help me out buddy?"



"FUCK OFF"

Erwan of Montfort is finally fucking dead. He is succeeded by Anselme de Chantemerle, a rather odd figure with some strange beliefs. John doesn't particularly care as long as he won't critisize him as much as Erwan did.

Ireland is now back under the control of its rightful King, Richard III.

Alright, the army has gathered in Nantes, the French debt has finally been paid, everything is ready. John is very concerned about how this will go but his need for money is greater than his cowardice.



TO WAR!!!

John requests Saint-Malo to raise a regiment of levies and mercenaries to serve him in the war and they reluctantly obey.

A noble of the prestigious house of Rohan has a son who is a famed adventurer and mercenary captain. John decides to recruit his services (because his coffer is empty he takes some loans from the other nobles) so he can lead his army to battle.



Gilles of Rohan turns out to be pretty shitty, sadly. He was probably famous because he exaggerated his tales and bribed people to spread word of his talent so he could get employed.



But John doesn't know that, and he probably won't know that for a while because he'll sit in his castle far away from battles.

The Hundred Years' War continues. The odds are not in our favour, but hey, that makes things more interesting.



Expect an extra long part next time.