New York, NY—

The recent FBI raid on Michael Cohen’s home and office is a stunning development in the Trump-Russia collusion scandal, and it very well may be the holy grail of incriminating evidence of Trump’s crimes.

Trump wasted no time taking to Twitter alleging that “Attorney-Client privilege is dead!” in a clear presentation of ignorance of attorney-client privilege. Of course, any first-year law student could explain how attorney-client privilege does not apply when the attorney is aiding and abetting the crimes of his or her client. [Editor’s note: LOL]. Accordingly, Trump has really done himself a professional disservice by meticulously maintaining such a stunning ignorance of the law. If only he read more.

It remains to be seen what evidence related to the plethora of crimes Trump has committed that the FBI obtained in the raid, however, early leaks did detail an extensive collection of McDonalds receipts catalogued in “dozens of binders” throughout both Mr. Cohen’s home and office.

“It was quite literally the strangest thing I have ever witnessed,” explained an FBI agent, who, of course, requested extreme anonymity in order to leak details of the raid’s findings. “In Michael Cohen’s office an entire wall was lined with—I swear to America—dozens of one-inch binders literally bursting with McDonalds receipts. There were so many ‘McReceipts’ in so many binders that I don’t know why Cohen didn’t just start investing in three-inch binders. I still can’t believe it. He had a separate binder for each financial quarter, so there were four binders per year, going back at least until the late 80s. Some of the FBI agents who raided Cohen’s home relayed to us that the earlier binders of McDonalds receipts were stored there, and it was obvious from the clutter that Cohen just had no more room to keep any more of the binders in his office. I’m not exaggerating when I say that on some days—particularly throughout the early 90s when Trump’s hotels and casinos were daily at risk of going bankrupt and Trump was probably very, very stressed—he accumulated six receipts a day. Honestly, from what I’ve seen, I would not be surprised if Donald J. Trump is the biggest fan of Big Mac sandwiches in the world. I don’t know how Trump is even still alive after digesting so much sodium and grease. The guy’s organs must be practically mummified on the inside from all that salt. And, you know, since he’s such a scheming, nickel-and-diming business guy, I’m kind of surprised he never worked some kind of frequent customer deal with McDonalds given that he has very clearly been their most loyal customer for four decades.”

(Picture courtesy of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.)

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