WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected breakthrough that could end the government shutdown, President Donald Trump has backed down from his demand for a wall and offered instead to post Vice-President Mike Pence at the border with big binoculars.

According to the White House, Pence’s mission at the border will alternate between keeping an eye out for potential intruders and glaring menacingly into the distance.

At a press conference announcing the development, Pence appeared to embrace his new role as the nation’s first line of defense against illegal immigration.

“If anyone wants to sneak into the United States, why, lordy, they’ll have to get past Mike Pence first,” he said.

The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that stationing Pence at the border represented a concession on Trump’s part and claimed that the Vice-President was “just as good as a wall.”

“If anyone can take the place of an inanimate object, it’s Mike Pence,” she said.