'Why have kids?' Feminist author claims 'guilt and self-flagellation' of motherhood is making women wish they never had children

'Why have Kids?' Jessica Valenti says women are being made miserable because the idea of motherhood is far removed from the often thankless and oppressive reality

A feminist author claims that 'guilt' and 'self-flagellation' are 'sucking the joy out of motherhood,' leaving many women wishing they'd never had kids.

In her provocative new book, 'Why have Kids?' Jessica Valenti says women are being made miserable because the idea of parenting, and of motherhood in particular, is far removed from the often thankless and oppressive reality.



'In killing ourselves to achieve this impossible standard, motherhood becomes less of a relationship and more of a job,' she writes, adding that having children should not be the default setting for women.



Valenti, a mother-of-one, describes the thousands of anonymous confessions on discussion boards, website and forums where women open up about how they love their children, but hate being a mother.



'It's a thankless, monotonous, exhausting, irritating and oppressive job,' one woman comments.

In an interview with UK newspaper The Times, Valenti says woman are bombarded with so much conflicting advice about child-rearing, much of which involves kids being the 'centre of your universe,' that the result is a state of near constant anxiety.



'(This is) the understandable outcome of expecting smart, driven women to find satisfaction in spit-up,' she says.

Co-founder of the Feminising.com blog, she also lists the on-paper drain kids place on their parents' lives, including the long-term economic cost of having children and the inevitable effect a baby has on even happy marriages.



Default setting: Valenti writes that having children should not be the default setting for women in her book, pictured

But despite the harsh critique of modern parenting, she says parental joy is within reach if mothers can shake the need to be a 'yummy mummy' -- and society lets them.



'One of the most important things is to get rid of the idea that it’s best for kids to be with their parents as much as possible,' she says, adding that research shows children do better when they have numerous people - parents, grandparents, friends - assisting their development.

According to Valenti, women will be happier if they make their partners better share the load of raising children, and actually let them do it.



'I think it’s hard for some mothers to let go of that maternal power, especially when that might be all the power that you have,' she says.

And thirdly, moms have to ditch the belief that their child should be the centre of their world.



'I am a person first and a mother second and I think it’s weird that that idea is seen as being controversial,' she says. 'We don’t demand the same thing of fathers. We don’t hear men saying 'I’m a father first.' Being a person first doesn’t mean that the depth of love that you have for your child is any less intense.'