If you have kids, you probably go through moments where you regret buying certain pieces of furniture and want to go back to your pre-child, idealistic, I-have-no-idea-what-my-kids-will-do-to-that self and yell “Don’t buy it!” I have a three year old and a one year old, and I have these moments a lot.

Just to give you an idea, a few months ago, my then two year old daughter ran up to me and happily cried “Mama! I drawed a lot of ones!” With no paper in her hand, I smiled and reluctantly asked “Where?”

Here’s where.

On my white leather dining chair of course! Where else do you draw a one?! It’s my own fault really, I mean, white furniture in a home with two toddlers? Please.

So here are a few thoughts on how people might buy furniture before and after having kids.

The Couch

Pre-children: “Ooooh, I love this! What material is this? It’s so soft! And I want a light color like cream. Maybe white.”

After children: “I’m going to need a couch that goes all the way to ground. All the rest are just marble/puzzle piece/lego hiding death traps. Do crayons/markers/highlighters wash out easily? What about poop? Vomit? Breastmilk? Are the cushions sewn to itself because otherwise, they will be thrown around and used to make a fort.”

The Dining Table



Pre-children: “This is so pretty! I want it!”

After children: “Do you see these edges? They’re just screaming ‘hospital trip!’ A glass table will get smashed. Wood will undoubtedly get scratched by little people wielding forks and knives. Do you have any steel tables?”

Flat Screen TV

Pre-children: “The bigger the better.”

After children: “I’m going to need something that can deflect balls and over-excited flying Wii remotes thrown at it without a single smudge mark. Actually, now that I’m thinking of cleaning it, maybe we should go small. Very, very small.”

Drawers

Pre-children: “Look at all these drawers! So easy to open and close.”

After children: “Yes, because what I really want is more stuff taken out of my drawers and thrown around the room. Or for my toddler to climb up them again. I think I’ll just store my underwear in the type of filing cabinet drawers they use at the office, at least I can lock them and hide the key….”

The Bed

Pre-children: “I want a high bed, way off the floor!”

After children: “A mattress on the floor is good. I won’t even tell you the number of times my kid has fallen off the bed. The lower the better. I also can’t listen to any more of the ‘I want to get into bed with you guys!’ whining. You know what, forget the mattress, we’ll just sleep on the carpet.”

The Dishwasher

Pre-children: “Oh it’s quiet, that’s excellent! And efficient.”

After children: “Is there any way it’s made with a door my child can’t climb up and sit on?”

The Refrigerator

Pre-children: “Wow, look at all that room! So sleek and modern.”

After children: “Why has no-one invented a refrigerator that can pick up the ABC magnets when they fall on the floor? You know, preferably before I step on them. Or how about the built-in ability to quieten down the kid who won’t stop saying ‘I’m hungry. But I don’t want that. I want something else. That we don’t have right now. So I’ll just whine about it instead.’ Anyone?”