Today in "The Most American Story You Can Possibly Think Of": a gated community in a Georgia town tried, unsuccessfully, to secede from the city of Stockbridge after a black mayor and all-black city council were elected. Their reason: racism. Wait, sorry. I said the quiet part loud. What they said was they just wanted a Cheesecake Factory.

Really.

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According to an article on CityLab, the community of Eagle's Landing was pushing a ballot initiative which would de-annex it from Stockbridge and form a new city comprised of some of Stockbridge's most affluent households and best real estate. But it wasn't meant to leave the city, the remainder of which is mostly black, without resources. No, it was just a ploy to get some Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp. Vikki Consiglio, chair of the committee leading the initiative told CityLab, “I kept seeing all of these places like Bojangle’s, Waffle Houses, dollar stores, and all this going up in our county. And I was like, why can’t we get a Cheesecake Factory, or a P.F. Chang’s or a Houston’s? We have areas that have high incomes, so what’s the deal?”

Hmm. I'm no urban planner but this seems like some White (Truffle Raspberry) nonsense.

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Did the residents of Eagle's Landing (this name, I cannot) work on policies and initiatives or start their own faux-Egyptian architectured calorie bonanzas that would contribute to the town's overall value and raise the median income for all of Stockbridge and perhaps, I don't know, showing some basic human decency? Nope. They figured they'd just redraw the map so that only the richer and whiter areas were included. And they thought that the Cheesecake Factory would come running.

First of all, these people wouldn't even like Cheesecake Factory because the only good bread is the dark bread.

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Second of all, ugh I'm so tired.

No shade to Cheesecake Factory, which is delicious, but is that 300-page menu really worth having to change the address on your stamps? They don't even take reservations. They really took it upon themselves to get a question put on a ballot and risk drastically altering the outcomes for a whole city's worth of people simply for the privilege of standing by the host stand with a buzzer in their hand for 45 minutes waiting for a table? Make better choices please.

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These are the villains in our time? People who can't even find a better excuse for their nefarious plans than "I was hankering for a Glamburger"?

I mean this a new one for me. "I'm not racist; I just like ordering a Chicken Piccata so big I can take half for lunch the next day."

The Surest of Jans.

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I'm sure there's more to this story but also I am very confident that this is also somehow even less.

Anyway, the measure didn't pass because 4,545 people cast their vote for "this ain't it, chief." So, for now, the residents of Stockbridge—of all economic levels and racial makeups—will have to continue enduring the driving 50 minutes to the nearest Cheesecake Factory. Please keep them in your prayers, friends, before you enjoy your next 10,000 calorie meal.

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R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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