CANTON, OH—In a display of strict sanitary protocol that sources say he must have learned back in medical school, local marketing assistant Jeremy Garton reportedly washed his hands for a full five seconds Wednesday as if he were moments away from rushing into surgery. “Looks like Mr. MD needs to scrub his hands real well if he’s going to keep everything nice and clean for his patient,” said coworker Robert Desrochers, who noted how Garton must be prepping for a complex medical procedure given how he insisted on fully wetting both hands and actually rubbing them together beneath the faucet. “He used a squirt of soap and everything. I guess he’s getting ready to put on his scrubs and head into the OR to perform a quadruple bypass.” At press time, Garton—the world-renowned open-heart surgeon himself—was drying his hands using a paper towel instead of just rubbing them on his jeans.

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