EVANSVILLE, IN—Describing the unholy intermixture of letters and numbers as “repulsive” and “utterly vile,” disgusted sources confirmed Monday that the Netflix password of local parents Evan and Jeannine Perkins was a nauseatingly grotesque combination of their children’s names and birthdays. The 19-character code, which swaps out an “S” in their firstborn’s name with a hideous and debasing dollar sign, reportedly alternates at points between upper- and lowercase letters, undulating back and forth in a sickening chain that renders the names “Sophia” and “Ben” wholly unrecognizable. Further reports indicate that after a perverse fusing of the digits in the children’s birth years, the stomach-turning amalgamation terminates with the loathsome and unnatural conjoinment of the family dog’s nickname, mercifully bringing to an end a monstrosity so hideous, it reportedly can only be gazed upon with the characters replaced by a series of concealing asterisks. Sources confirmed that if anything positive could be stated about the unutterable atrocity of a password, it was that it was strong.

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