TAMPA, FL—Condemning the senseless and unnecessary nature of the slow-developing tragedy in the strictest possible terms, local authorities reported Monday that numerous bystanders failed to intervene as area man Brian Meehan went about his life. “Despite Mr. Meehan living his day-to-day life in clear view, many witnesses who could have rendered aid as the situation grew more dire instead stood by and did nothing,” said spokesperson Michelle Davidson, holding to account an entire cadre of strangers, friends, family members, coworkers, and even complete strangers, all of whom merely watched as Meehan dropped out of college, habitually ate frozen store-brand dinners from 7-11, and broke up with a patient and loving girlfriend over commitment issues. “Literally dozens saw Meehan walk into a telemarketing office for 12 straight years and work full-time hours there, yet they failed to intervene. Not one person who observed as the situation deteriorated made an effort to tell Meehan to reconcile with his father before he died. If just one single person had acted as these senseless catastrophes unfolded, untold suffering resulting in the senseless waste of a human life could have been avoided.” Local leaders say the heartbreaking disaster had them considering legislation requiring bystanders to intervene if they saw anyone signing up for improv classes.

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