Sex, murder and “bulbous salutations”: the weirdest moments from the former Smiths singer’s unreadable debut novel.

1. Bulbous salutation

“At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”

2. Snoozled in sleepland

“All quiet, all still in this decent and pleasant atmosphere of slumber and repose, where lush houses of beddy-bye shut-eye snoozled in sleepland; a smiling sleep of dreamland.”

3 Upper-crust carpeting

“Preciously kneeling on the upper-crust carpeting, the boys were inexpressive and almost beloved, as Isaac managed a third and then a fourth deathblow that finished off both Nails and Justy with a cosy killer’s cuddle.”

Read Morrissey's sex scenes in all their glory

4. Fun

“Whoever put the pain in painting had also put the fun in funeral.”

5. Unfortunate dribble

“In your face, in your face, in your face, lover do I never need as long as I have these that send me like the wind... the bullet of Justy as a hell-driver flyer with a disciplined land into Dibbs’ dry hand, and the new corner man faced the home straight with power-hitter grunts and Bunkie pluck as the bilge-free body speedballed with stirred stumps to beat the devil with scorch and sizzle and unfortunate dribble and snappy like crazy he somersaulted with pitching motion into a ferocious belly-flop tumble of a sprawled pratfall – face to the gravel, each limb slithered like snowslide subsidence.”

Morrissey: his best quotes

6. Coachy-coachy

“He was in his best charioteer mood with his coachy-coachy tones all a-shower with stats of this and thats, overages and averages.”

7. Loving wrestle

“‘Well hopefully it doesn’t get any worse than this, because my stomach just couldn’t take it…’ and their fiendishly loving wrestle began once again, rolling across the floor as hot-tempered enthusiasts of lustful joy as both adorers’ bodies did their sexual staccato heaving and barging into place, nothing forbidden, heartbeats uneven, the mind as naked as the body, weakened by exertion, only to shockingly lock with a halt at the astride legs of Sammy, young brother to Ezra, as he quietly stood with satisfied slyness watching the debauched display of sensuous pleasure at the sweetness of living seized by the initiative.”

8. Manly central issue

“In their secrecy, Harri does not like Tracey’s knotted banana toes, and Tracey finds the manly central issue too slight to grip, and although such things ought not to count in the adult mind, somehow they do yet they don’t yet they do yet they don’t.”

9. Little junior blubber-guts

“In the church of secret service known as the abattoir this is exactly what humans excitedly do to beautiful bodies of animals who were also crafted in care by some divine creationist, yet at the human hand the animals are whacked and hacked into chopped meat whilst gazing up at their protector with disbelief and pleading for a mercy not familiar to the human spirit, ground and round into hash or stew for the Big Mac pleasure of fat-podge children whose candidature for roly-poly vicious porkiness makes their plungingly plump parents laugh loudly, as little junior blubber-guts orders yet another Super-burger with tub-of-guts determination to stuff death into round bellies, and such kids come to resemble their parents as ten pounds of s--- in a five-pound bag.”

10. Erotic

“‘I have erotic curiosities,’ topspins Ezra.”

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