NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra contained absolutely no active ingredients and that, all along, “the real medicine” that had been giving its users erections was confidence. “While many of our customers thought they were taking a PDE5 inhibitor to encourage blood flow to the penis, the truth is these pills were just placebos—it was actually pride and self-assurance that caused these men to have firm, lasting erections,” said Pfizer spokesperson James Griffin, who smiled while explaining that “sildenafil,” the drug’s chemical name, was just a made-up term, and that the true sexual enhancement supplement was something consumers had inside themselves the whole time. “The only performance issue our customers had was not believing in themselves. As for those prolonged, four-hour-long erections some users experienced, those were powered by pure self-esteem.” Griffin went on to reveal that any positive effects felt by patients taking the antidepressant Zoloft were the product of finding genuine happiness within.

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