According to an article called ‘Help From Above’ on catholicnewsagency.com (get it?) a priest did an exorcism on a town out of a helicopter.

I did a line space there because even as I wrote that I had to reread it a few times to make sure I was putting it down correctly. It all seems like something out of a really terrible, low budget James Bond movie. But no, according to the above credible source, this is in fact, accurate.

Much like a machine in a colander factory, I have decided to poke some holes.

Let’s start at the very beginning; that title, while catchy, is troublesome. The pun, of course, is the double reference that could either mean ‘God,’ or the all action priest in the helicopter. But that in itself is a problem isn’t it? If this was an issue big enough to warrant this very dangerous – albeit heroic – exorcism, then why didn’t the big man himself just step in and say “this one’s on me,” and clear the problem up with one quick flick of his wand. (Does he have a wand? I didn’t pay much attention to the bible when it was forced into my life. Either way, he’s magic, so he could do some magic).

The priest “performed an aerial exorcism of the Italian seaside town of Castellammare di Stabia.” Is an ‘aerial exorcism’ a thing? I mean, of course, in terms of an exorcism even being a thing, did they just make this aerial exorcism bit up? I’m not foolish enough to think that the Vatican can’t just change the meaning of certain things in the bible, or sometimes make up new beliefs, or reconsider what the lord meant when he said such and such. Normally they have to do things like that to stay within the confines of modern laws and human rights bills. So, we’ll leave them with this one: an aerial exorcism is a thing, as proven from this genuine quote from the good book:

Ephesians 6:13 “Therefore take up the whole armor of God (helicopter, obvs), that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.”

So, exorcising a whole town, it appears, is a thing. In May 2015 “…faithful in Mexico gathered for a nationwide exorcism, carried out quietly in the cathedral of San Luis Potosí by”… an archbishop.

Why? “High levels of violence, as well as drug cartels and abortion in the country, were the motivation behind the special rite of exorcism, known as ‘Exorcismo Magno.’”

These three things, according to that sentence structure, are of equal weight. High levels of violence, drug cartels… and abortion. I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised. I know that according to the catholic church women who get raped by these highly violent members of drug cartels should just go ahead and birth the ‘little gift from Heaven’ that the woman is definitely able to love and appreciate and never be reminded of what would undoubtedly be the very worst experience of her life. Or, if she chooses not to bare that rapist a son or daughter, then she is equally criminal. This was the first Exorcismo Magno in Mexico. They never bothered with one during the 80s at the height of the drug wars, or any time since.

This was the first Exorcismo Magno in Mexico. They never bothered with one during the 80s at the height of the drug wars, or any time since.

I am not making this up. These are real life people who have grown up and have titles like “Demonologist.” This Spanish dude whose job title is exactly that, Father José Antonio Fortea (see featured image), said “an entire country can become infested by demons to the point that it’s necessary to resort to an Exorcismo Magno (why now?). To the extent sin increases more and more in a country, to that extent it becomes easier for the demons to tempt (people).”

Then his mouth said more stuff: “(When) there is more witchcraft and Satanism going on in a country, to that extent there will be more extraordinary manifestations of those powers of darkness.”

Next we learn that the exorcism came about “at the urging of a local prayer group.” Did this super-priest have no initiative? Did big JC not hint at him that he needed to exorcise this seaside town? No? Okay, he had to be urged to do it, fair enough. So then he takes the dusty tarpaulin off his Armour of God (helicopter) and proceeds to “perform a minor exorcism over the entire town.” “If Satan exists, he has taken control of Castellammare di Stabia,” the group said in a statement. “There was nothing left but to try the exorcist.”

Minor. What kind of elaborate set-ups do these exorcisms normally have? Of course, they’re probably talking about the level of exorcism itself, not the tools used to make it possible. But then, if it was really ‘minor,’ did they really have to go to all the trouble?

Anyway, what’s done is done. We shouldn’t comment too much on something that we don’t know a lot about. What evil had embodied this town that led to such heroics?

“If Satan exists, he has taken control of Castellammare di Stabia,” the group said in a statement. “There was nothing left but to try the exorcist.”

Okay, so we’re not sure if Satan exists or not. That’s interesting. But that’s still pretty bad; if the most evil possible thing in the whole world exists, then it has taken control of this town. The townsfolk, the police, the Italian army, all the good samaritans, even the church itself has tried to rid the town of this unrelenting evil, and come up short. There is literally nothing left but for this church group to convince a priest to do an exorcism.

Shit must have been pretty bad. I’m imagining buildings and vehicles on fire – moving vehicles, with squealing cats inside them – crashing into already burning buildings and playgrounds. Streets strewn with needles and guns and more fire. Rapists, paedophiles and murderers walking around in gangs laughing sinister laughs at nothing at all but seeming to enjoy themselves nonetheless. The only old women left in the town are lying dead in the streets or crying under bridges. The children all work for the bad guys now, and they love it because they can stay up late and eat crisps all day. The only businesses open are tattoo parlours where they use heroin needles to ink you up, so that everyone who gets a tattoo also gets addicted to heroin, and shops only sell guns and prostitutes and heroin.

Sounds like a pretty bad spot. To be honest, if this happened to my town, I might even try an exorcism myself. So, what’s been going on in Castellammare di Stabia?

“The area has long been plagued with violence from organized crime, but a series of thefts from churches, desecration of graves, crosses being turned upside down and statues of Mary being tossed over cliffs led locals to believe that something more sinister was at work.”

Whoa. Okay. Hold up a second here. But now, as soon as someone throws a statue of the woman who lied about having sex when she got preggers off a cliff, now they have to take out the heavy weapons (priests in helicopters).

So the scene I described above is a touch over-the-top. This town has LONG been plagued by organized-crime (real Mafia shit). That’s fine. You just have to get on with it, right? But now… People are stealing from CHURCHES, people are turning crosses (lord help me I can barely even type this) upside down! Right, that shit is sinister. Now we have to take out the big guns.

There have been many victims of mafia related crime in that area. Just read about this lady. It has been something that has plagued (this is the right word) the town for decades. But now, as soon as someone throws a statue of the woman who lied about having sex when she got preggers off a cliff, now they have to take out the heavy weapons (priests in helicopters).

Amazing, is it not?

Have you all noticed the change in the air? The ‘something in the water’? The ghouls, goblins, ghosts and gargoyles skipping around your city at night? That makes sense because Dr. Valter Cascioli explained that occult activity has been on the rise in recent years. “It’s becoming a pastoral emergency,” Cascioli told CNA. “At the moment the number of disturbances of extraordinary demonic activity is on the rise.”

Here comes the bombshell now… How can we sort this problem out?

“The rise in demonic activity can be attributed to a decreasing faith among individuals.”

That’s it!

It’s because most people don’t believe in all this stuff anymore, that’s why it’s increasing. Demons are famously lacking in self-esteem, so when you start to ignore them, they act out. They crave attention. They cry and they push your statues and your upside down crosses off cliffs. It’s because of people like YOU, who don’t believe in all this magic that allows the demons to step into our world and cause all that havoc that’s happening on your street right now.

Look out the window; what did you see? Shopping trolley full of aborted foetuses on fire? An old man, made out of condoms and iPads, kicking lambs and orgasming on a pile of copies of The God Delusion? Yeah, well, that’s all because you don’t believe in the big man upstairs who could easily put a stop to this. See, the G-dawg has low self-esteem too, and if you don’t praise him all of all the time then he’ll sulk and leave the back door unlocked and let the demons do their thing and he’ll pretend not to notice.

For fuck sake will you just start believing in this shit again please!? The bishops and cardinals and all are afraid that they’ll have to change their way of life if not enough people just believe (stop the demons).

Sorry. I lost my cool there. What else does Mr. Cascioli have to say?

“It usually starts out of ignorance, superficiality, stupidity or proselytizing, actively participating or just watching,” he said, but “the consequences are always disastrous.” Look out the window; what did you see? Shopping trolley full of aborted foetuses on fire? An old man, made out of condoms and iPads, kicking lambs and orgasming on a pile of copies of The God Delusion? Yeah, well, that’s all because you don’t believe in the big man upstairs.

Let’s break that down, shall we?

Ignorance: Like ignoring scientific fact?

Superficiality: Have you seen the pope’s gaf?

Stupidity: How about she was just embarrassed to tell you she’d been knocked up out of wedlock? How about she would have used contraception if you’d have let her! How about the thousands of contradictions in the bible because it is NOT infallible? How about women and men are equal and they should be treated as such?

Proselytizing: Are you fucking kidding me? What about the Crusades? What about Africa? You think the Mexicans were exorcising anything before the Christians showed up and proselytized the fuck out of the place?

Actively Participating: This could be the church’s slogan. “The Catholic Church: Actively participating/interfering in people’s lives since some prick wrote it all down a few centuries ago.”

Just Watching: Does this sound familiar? “God gave us free will, so no he can’t save the child with Leukemia, no he can’t stop that tsunami, no he can’t put an end to poverty in Africa or anywhere else in the world… But yes, He is watching, and He sees you.” Suffering.

The deeper I go into this the more annoyed I’m getting. I apologise for that. It’s Satan inside me, pulling the strings.

The article on Catholic News Agency goes on to say that many countries, including the Philippines, have voiced a need for more wizards. Exorcists. Sorry, backspace is temporarily broken on my keyboard. There’s been a steady increase in demons. (I can’t believe I have to write the word demon so often… This is not a fantasy novel, some people think of this as real life). An exorcist called Father Jose Francisco Syquia says he’s already done 200 exorcisms this year, and that was mid summer. Must be nearly 300 now. But here’s my concern; surely some of them know that they’re bullshitting.

I mean. I understand that some people have this unmovable faith. They absolutely genuinely believe in the word of God and they believe all the stuff that priests etc tell them, so yeah, those people really believe. But, there has to be some priests and exorcists out there who have lost faith, or just got into the job because it was handy and you never have to pay rent? Surely they know that they have not removed a demon from a person? They know that this is all fantastical nonsense. Surely they must see it all as some awful play-acting? There must be some priests out there who know that they have not removed a demon from a person? They must know that this is all fantastical nonsense.

Maybe I’m being too optimistic about the whole thing.

Father Syquia says that “The majority of Philippine dioceses do not have exorcists or a team of exorcists that deal with these kinds of cases. Therefore many of the Filipinos tend to go to the occult practitioners, what we call the faith healers, spiritists, etc.” The article goes on: “The priest expressed his belief that the occult healers are responsible for the increased number of demonic possessions, saying that the healers leave a person with “spiritual openings” which allow demons to latch on.”

Pot. Kettle. Black.

That’s like a man who sells guns to children giving out about the man who sells bullets to children.

I’ll link the article again here, just incase you think I’m making this up. I’m really not. It goes on with more of this stuff. “The devil has much to do with (influencing people in) breaking the law of God. Every bishop is the chief exorcist of his own diocese. Anytime anyone with the authority uses his power against Satan, that is powerful. Every priest and bishop has that power.”

Did they not know about this power until now? Why has it not been used? Why is there still crime and suffering?

Oh yeah, because we don’t believe (see how the blame is shifted). Silly us.

Anyway, to wrap up. How effective have the exorcisms of Castellammare di Stabia and Mexico been?

A quick look at news headlines in Castellammare di Stabia and Mexico: Child who fought for life dies. News about bribes and corruption in Naples. Young girl found dead in vacant lot. Big drug bust during the night. A statistic: number one cause of death for young people in Mexico is assault. 18 year old dies in a motorcycle crash…

Good work, God.

Images via wikipedia.org

jamesnachtwey.com

Matthew Peoples via flickr

lettherebemovies.com

playbuzz.com

italytraveller.com

uta.fi

famigliacristiana.it