Hey there, internet friends! I’ve been hearing a whole lot of tough love for the great new Riot program called Academy Rush. I totally get where people are coming from when they call it “cluttered,” “confusing,” and “an absolute clusterfuck” – to each their own! But I have to chime in and say I love Academy Rush! I’ve watched every match and only vomited all over myself six times!



I just can’t help but love the light-headed feeling I get watching several games occur simultaneously and trying to connect the dots. It’s absolutely thrilling to hear James “Dash” Patterson desperately try to add fluidity to the experience. It brings me back to the days when my father would take me to the circus so we could watch Chremzo the clown try and juggle hammers while the ring leader chased him around with a high pressure fire hose.

Now, it probably helps that I am of the Zoomer generation, so I was born inside a rapidly moving slipstream of information and – God damn it – I will die inside a rapidly moving slipstream of information. I understand if the Millennials audience can’t quite “get it” because they had 10 entire years of life where information wasn’t forced into several small containers and shot into their brain by listicles, video recaps, social media posts, and whatever Academy Rush is supposed to be.



Have I had direct, negative physical repercussions due to watching Academy Rush? Sure, but they aren’t that bad. I’ve only vomited all overself myself six times. The two other times I vomited, I made it to the trash can and let me tell you, it’s so much better to pour your lunch out into a bucket lined with plastic than it is to let it cascade down the front of your shirt and pants.



Is that eight times in total I’ve vomited in reaction to watching the Frankenstein’s monster of a stream that is called Academy Rush? Yes. Yes it is. But I don’t think it’s that big a deal to be so overwhelmed by continual information overload that I upchuck twice per broadcast.



Nor do I think it’s a big deal to have a broadcast where there is no downtime that casters can use to situate me inside a sea of player names I don’t know very well. I like feeling moored inside a landscape of strange symbols and stranded in a void where narrative goes to die. I like not being able to build attachment to, and then follow, players and teams I care about. To me, it’s all about the plays – which admittedly aren’t as big because these are academy teams.

My only wish is that Riot could just turn off the player tags, team names, and entire scoreboard HUD because I get a headache and I hear this high-pitched whining noise in my ears whenever my brain tries to sort that information. In fact, one time I got so light-headed while watching Academy Rush that I passed out and accidentally slammed my head into the corner of my second monitor. But I was also writing four tweets, posting on two Facebook groups, applying a filter to an Instagram selfie, tagging a video for tik-tok, and watching an anime on my second monitor at the same time, so that one’s on me. My brain just wasn’t getting enough oxygen.



I know that Academy Rush isn’t for everyone. I also know that literally no one asked for it. However, I think it’s great to see Riot trying to innovate and change the nature of esports. I love seeing League of Legends match the hyper-intense, super speed dynamics that make social media so engaging that I can’t stop looking at it even though it gives me generalized anxiety disorder. Once again, Riot is reading the trends and is totally ahead of the curve.

Frankly, I can’t wait to see other esports step up and follow Riot’s lead. What could be next? EVO, but it’s all one stream that cuts to a different fighting game as soon as somebody gets a combo? CS:GO, but it’s all 10 player feeds put in tiny squares on the same screen? Rocket League, but there are two separate cameras attached to opposite ends of the ball? Overwatch but it’s like how it used to be? Fortnite???



I don’t know what the future holds, but if it looks like Academy Rush then I’m excited for the RUSH that comes with being so overwhelmed by what I’m seeing that I blow chunks all down the front of my body.

[This is satire. I’m not a zoomer and this is not meant to be serious intergenerational critique. I think Riot went in the wrong direction with Academy Rush but I obviously don’t think it’s THAT bad. I have watched Academy Rush and didn’t vomit once, though I was confused and mildly annoyed the entire time.]