Can we just speak to Rishi Sunak instead, journalists ask Boris Johnson

Following yesterday’s press conference, reporters have begged Downing Street to send in someone who doesn’t behave like he’s just been caught wanking or does ‘that bizarre air-punching thing he thinks is manly but instead just makes him look like a startled cow’.

Simon Williams, assistant editor for BBC News, explained that Boris Johnson’s performance was unlikely to give people confidence and, even worse, made for dreadful telly.

“We all know he is a useless chancer but you think this is one time he would read the brief and be ready to answer questions. But no, the idle fucker tried to bluff his way through and failed even at that.

“It looks awful. It came across as a mockumentary made by a drama school ripping off The Thick Of It.

“The worst thing is that they know it’s terrible and making people stressed. They’ve stashed Priti Patel in a dark hole precisely because they know her permasmirk would just be awful optics. But still they send in the clown.”

Mr Williams said that, although he would be happy with nearly anyone, Rishi Sunak was probably the best choice to reassure the public.

“Because he’s basically unknown he hasn’t got a string of facepalming gaffes to make everyone shit themselves knowing he’s in charge. And he can speak for two minutes without making people wonder if he’s drunk or is this some sort of elaborate wind-up,

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a heartless prick and he looks like he puts pictures of his cars on Instagram, but at least we could hope that he puts as much thought into getting us through coronavirus than he did making a packet shorting the markets in 2008.”