Hark…what’s that? Is it jolly old Saint Nick?

Why, no, you silly bastard, it’s just another fat asshole… Matt Cloude! That’s right, bitches, I’m back and with another Cult of Personality Review! What better way to make a return than to pick up where I left off?

That’s right… it’s Christmas time and I’m back with my review of the 3rd in the Silent Night franchise — 1989’s Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Ricky, the killer in Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (and brother to Billy, the killer Santa from part 1) was gunned down and killed at the end of the sequel… or was he? Apparently, he wasn’t. Six years later we find Ricky (this time being played by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and The Devil’s Rejects star Bill Moseley) lying comatose with his brain inside a clear protective dome (just go with it).

The doctor that saved Ricky’s life is also conducting an experiment on Laura, a blind chick who may have a psychic link to Ricky. When she sleeps, she can see glimpses of Ricky’s past, as well as premonitions of the future. Laura’s brother (who looks as though Sammy Hagar had sex with every member of Stryper) comes to visit with his girlfriend (played by a pre-boob job Laura Harring) and of course, Ricky somehow wakes from his coma, escapes and kills anyone that is wearing or holding something the colour red… all while looking for Laura.

Still with me?

Long gone is the killer Santa gimmick; now we have something different and, in my opinion, fresh and new. The lead character Laura isn’t the typical final girl. For one, she’s blind, and also not dependent of anyone to help her. It’s a nice change rather than another good girl.

The Doc teams up with Lt. Connely (played by Robert Culp of The Greatest American Hero fame) to track down Ricky. Of course, The Doc wants him brought in peacefully.

Laura, her brother, and pre-boob job Laura Harring are going to grandma’s house for Christmas, and Ricky manages to somehow… someway… hitchhike ahead of them. After Ricky meets Grandma he takes his time dispensing her, you know… just in case you thought he wouldn’t. So, our trio show up to Granny’s house only to find the place empty; so the next few moments of screen time are them looking for her… and of course a pitstop with Laura Harring and the brother to take a bath together. What? You thought there wasn’t going to be any T&A?

While this is going on Lt. Connely and the Doc are hot on the trail, tracking the body count Ricky has left behind in his journey to Granny’s house. The doctor steals Lt. Connely’s car and ends up finding grandma’s house, only to have Ricky kill him almost immediately.

More cat and mouse and kills proceed and I’ll leave the rest for your viewing. Can’t spoil everything. All involved with the film tried to inject a new spin to the mythology of the series, and for the most part I’d say they succeeded.

All in all I’d be crazy to say this film is for everyone. It’s slow as hell at times and anyone looking for a crazed Santa killer will be let down. But, If you’re down for something different and a fun holiday slasher to watch while you drink your favourite brew, then I’d recommend the flick!

GORE meter: ★★☆☆☆

T&A meter: ★★

– Matt Cloude