HOLLISTER, CA—Longing for the days when people understood the true meaning of the holiday, area man Steve Rocha told reporters Monday that he remembers a less politically correct time when Christmas was about honoring the glory of Saturn. “It was the one time a year when families would gather round the altar and sacrifice a suckling pig to the god who ruled in the Golden Age, but nowadays you have to act like you’re ashamed of that,” said 41-year-old Rocha, adding that people used to be allowed to openly celebrate the agricultural deity with a sumptuous public banquet and copious amounts of gambling and debauchery without being accused of some sort of religious intolerance. “You can’t even say io Saturnalia anymore without the PC police biting your head off. Boy, the days when you could spend Christmas serving your slaves as if they were your masters in an evening of fun role-reversal are long, long gone, I’m afraid.” At press time, Rocha was lamenting the fact that the holiday cups at Starbucks had not a single traditional image of Saturn devouring his own newborn children.

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