TAMPA BAY—Skeptically looking down at the red jersey laying on the floor beside empty bottles of probiotics, a bleary-eyed Tom Brady woke up from a week-long long kombucha bender Thursday to discover that he signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Ugh, the last thing I remember was taking that shot of ginger lemon tea,” said Brady, vaguely recalling a conversation about his impending free agency with a juice bar employee who had tried to cut him off after his 8th cold-pressed bottle of pomegranate cleanse kombucha. “How did I get here? And why do I have all these pictures of Bruce Arians on my phone? Shit, I decide to cut loose for one week and look at what happens. I’m never breaking pliability again.” At press time, Brady was working up the courage to call his wife, Gisele Bündchen, and tell her that he had sold their home.

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