How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones

Hold an aux cord like an Olympic torch and wait patiently until she approaches you.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Ignoring You

Set yourself on fire. The crackling flames will win her attention, the smoke will carry your message.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is on the Other Side of a Wall

Invent a communicative apparatus for a primitive transmission of sound using wires, pulleys, tuning forks, actuated Morse code printers, batteries, drawstrings, and copper braids. Spend decades working on your project. When you have completed it, say, “Watson, come here. I want to see you!” You are Alexander Graham Bell.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is in an Echo Chamber

Study the powerful reverberating speech of whales. Learn to listen to them. Grow to respect their communication so deeply that you forget to visit the woman in the echo chamber.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Skydiving

Wait in a pristine field for an airborne winged angel. Become his close confidant. Help him clean his feathers. Travel the clouds together for eternity in an ideal symbiotic relationship.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is a Hologram

Process your voice thoroughly. Change the range, speed, rhythm, and vocal patter. Ensure that it is auto-tuned into a smooth and featureless continuation of tones that are as soothing as they are unrecognizable.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is on an Alternative Plane of Existence in the Space-Time Continuum

Speak freely, or as freely as you can when you understand that everything you utter is a futile and furious barbaric yawp into a void.