GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game. “Okay, he had a baby—good for him—but there’s a football game happening right now that I’d like to actually watch,” said 33-year-old viewer Chuck Prescott of Beaumont, TX, adding that Nantz and commentator Phil Simms had already wasted enough goddamn time showing pictures of the longtime producer’s newborn daughter onscreen as they welcomed “the newest member of the CBS Sports family.” “I can still hear the crowd in the background, so they need to get their asses in gear and put the game back on, because I better not miss a big play for this shit. Why couldn’t they have just done this at halftime?” At press time, the Packers had converted on third-and-long while Nantz and Simms were droning on about their support and best wishes for some fucking sound technician who is currently undergoing treatment for cancer.

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