Dear Members of the Speckless Community,

We’re not big believers in responding to our critics here at Absterge. We like to think that our products speak for themselves, and we know that you agree – that’s why you’ve helped turn us into the most successful kitchen appliance company in the history of the world.

We know that there’s a vocal minority of sourpusses who insist on telling you how wrong you are to love your Speckless Disher, and we can’t see any reason to give them attention that we could be devoting to the millions of hardworking and creative flatware and cutlery companies whose foodables are available in our Kitchen Store.

But with the EU and the Federal Trade Commission both taking an interest in our products, we understand that many of you have questions about our strategies, and we want to make sure that you get to hear both sides of the story.

Besides, we’re proud of our accomplishments.

The Kitchen Store and Speckless Disher are the best dishwashing experience in the world

Before the Speckless Disher, there was no way to be sure that your dishes would come out of the dishwasher clean. Outside of the Speckless Community, people are accustomed to “pre-washing” their dishes before they put them into the dishwasher. This tremendously wasteful practice spills billions of gallons of precious water down the drain every year, and is a danger to our planet.

Speckless means safe

Food-borne illnesses are some of history’s greatest killers, and they’ve kept up with the times, mutating into virulent, antibiotic-resistant strains that are potentially fatal. We vet every foodable - bowl, plate, pan, pot, fork, knife and spoon - in the Kitchen Store to ensure that its geometry and surface properties are compatible with our best-of-breed jets, so that everything that touches your food is sterile. That’s a guarantee we’re able to make because we’re able to manage and control the whole dishwashing experience.

Anyone can make Speckless foodables

The Kitchen Store is the most successful platform for the discovery, rating and consumption of kitchenware that the world has ever seen. If you have a great idea for plate or spoon, all you need to do is sign up for our Foodable Developer Network, pay $100, sign our Developer License Agreement, and get creative! Anything is possible – so long as it fits within our guidelines, of course.

“Hackers” break dishwashers

With so many choices of foodables in the Kitchen Store, there’s no need to modify your Disher to fit non-store items from outside our ecosystem. We understand that some community members have sentimental attachment to Grandma’s wedding china or the baby dish that Mum saved for your own kid to use (some of you have even made your own dishes without signing up for our Developer Network), but when you “chip,” “mod” or “bend” your Disher’s prongs to fit these noncompliant items, you make impossible for the Disher’s internal sensors to accurately gauge the washing performance. The technical term for a “modded” Disher is broken.

No matter what you call it, stealing is stealing

Of course, not all “modding” comes from such an innocent place. There are plenty of counterfeiters who want to offer you a great deal on “foodables” that “look just like the real thing” – they’re able to offer such a great deal because they don’t have to pay the hardworking foodable developers who created those designs. That’s why Congress made it a felony to “circumvent” the Disher’s detection systems, and why we continue to oppose an exemption to this rule at the FTC’s triennial hearings. Commissioner Gonzales may well ask “Is it proportionate to put potters in prison for loading the dishes they bought into the dishwashers they own?” But any potter who wants to make foodables for a Speckless Disher can sign up for our Developer Program – there’s just no good reason to sneak around like a thief.

We have the right to protect our trade secrets – and your Disher’s integrity

Commissioner Gonggrijp asks why people wishing to join the Developer Network have to agree to a 21,000 word license-agreement, which includes confidentiality and nondisparagement clauses prohibiting them from discussing their affairs with us. The answer is simple: to protect us, and to help us protect you. Our agreement spells out the terms of doing business in our marketplace, including the painstaking care we insist upon from our partners.

It’s a matter of choice

No one was ever forced to buy an Absterge product. From the day that Peter Stints founded Absterge in his fabled garage in Los Gatos to the day he died, he worked tirelessly to create a different kind of dishwashing experience: to bring a thoughtfulness and intentionality to a product that everyone else took for granted. We know that your family teased you for spending a little extra on one of our products back in the old days, and we share your pleasure in escorting them around one of the many Absterge stores around the world, so that they can see the growing family of revolutionary kitchen appliances that we continue to make.

People who don’t want to go the Absterge way don’t have to. Potters can sell or give their pots to anyone in the world – but if they want to sell through our store, they’ll have to do it on our terms. We think that’s only reasonable.

After all, if anyone could sell dishes for anyone’s dishwasher, what incentive would companies have to truly innovate - to think uniquely?

Thank you for your continued support,

Jim Antol

CEO and Chief Bottle-Washer

Absterge, Inc