I do not know how I have made it this far. It has been excruciatingly painful. Embarrassing, mind bending and hopeless. To say I am lost would be an understatement. I am forgotten. I HAVE forgotten. I have forgotten what it was like to be the norm. I have forgotten what it was like to be accepted. THEY have forgotten that I was ever a submissive, meek, and humble child. I was to inherit the earth! Maybe I already have. Perhaps that is what this means. Certainly I love the earth, this planet, this world. I embrace the equality of all this world’s inhabitants. THEY do not. THEY cannot abide difference. THEY cannot abide love, peace and equality. THEY mistake advancement for degradation. THEY mistake wisdom for foolishness. If only THEY knew that THEY are the fools…

I am about to break. I feel my mind about to burst and take control over the filter I have created. The filter is necessary. I could not remain sane without it, not with this madness around me. All that I see is hypocrisy and ignorance. All that I see is spite and evil. Evil. Yes it exists. It is not what these religious fanatics recognize as evil. Good versus bad is not black and white. Good and bad, right and wrong. These are chameleons. Their colors change according to the benefit of the world. They are constantly changing, if they were static they would cease to exist. They would morph into self righteous hypocrisy. They would morph into religion.

I live by a code. It is fairly simple: never hurt yourself, the earth, or your fellow man. What may be good in one situation is entirely wrong in another. I judge my actions by the reactions of those around me. If someone is hurt, I help them. If I hurt them I make amends. I very simply live by the golden rule. I try to remain healthy, I try to protect the environment, and I try to be a good person.

I bring this all up because of what happened today. My father gave me a journal filled with scriptures for me to read and study week by week. I did what he asked but I never thought he would force me to reveal these very personal studies to the rest of my family, as if to embarrass me, and force me into a debate. You cannot argue with a fool. You cannot debate with the ignorant. I managed to straddle the line and avoid controversy today, but it was very close. It is hurtful that my father would put me in this situation. A situation to be ridiculed and mocked for my own personal beliefs. I know they will not accept what I say. They never have. I was forced to either enter a pointless, never ending argument, or continue the cycle of ignorance and pretend as if I believed exactly as they. Rather than having a private discussion with me, they forced me to speak about very personal things in a very unpersonalized setting.

After this debacle I was forced to listen to them talk about the evils of this world. The sins of this generation! I was forced to listen to them spit out useless drivel and logical fallacies. They blamed the people of this world for the acts which only a few commit. They claimed that the world is becoming more wicked at an alarming rate. All I wanted to do was point out that crime in the USA is lower per capita than it has been since the 70’s (http://www.disastercenter.com/crime/uscrime.htm notice the the trend of lowering numbers despite a growing population) to point out that maybe they are wrong about their assumptions. I wanted to point out that in the last few hundred years slavery has been abolished, and women and racial minorities have more freedom than ever before in our nation. I really just do not see how this world can be viewed as corrupt compared to the generations before us. We are not perfect, but we have come a long way. What this really shows us is that apocalyptic believers may simply be racist, sexist, white middle-upper class Christians and Mormons. That certainly fits the description of my family at least (though that in and of itself is no proof).

My parents cannot accept that I am not exactly like them. Really this is a self perpetuating cycle. A child grows up, sees the errors of his or her parents’ ways, and tries to raise his or her children accordingly. His or her child grows up and the cycle continues. Some parents are worse than others, and mine are pretty good. Their biggest weakness is a black and white worldview. When everything is black and white, that means you either love or hate everything around you. Those things which fit your worldview you love. Those things which do not fit, you hate.

Very ironically the entire world does not fit my parents’ shallow worldview, so they hate it. They paint the mundane as evil. They imagine the happiness of others as wrong. “How can someone be happy if they do not live exactly as I do? How can someone have purpose in life if they do not know what I know?” Except they know nothing. The outside world does not exist like it does in their minds. They are trapped. They are locked in prisons of their own construction and only they have the key. They could let themselves out but they are afraid of what is outside.

I am outside. Freedom is outside. Freedom to do whatever you want! You can drink, you can watch R-rated movies, and *gasp* you can have fun!!! Through all of these “sins” you can still be happy. Whoever said wickedness never was happiness must have had an entirely different perception of what is wicked than my parents have, because I am happy. I do not consider myself evil. I make mistakes and I own up to them. I do not believe it is evil to drink alcoholic beverages or coffee or tea. I do not believe it is innately evil to smoke tobacco or marijuana or do drugs. Moderation in all things. Do not hurt yourself, the earth, or the people around you. That is the code I live by.

But I swear to God if I am not allowed to live that way I am going to explode!