Meet the world’s greatest sales team, the DNC

This time of year is full of conventions releasing new information to their adoring fans. Have you seen the new Rouge One trailer from Star Wars Celebration? What did you think about the Justice League panel at Comic-Con? Did you hear about the nearly 20,000 Democratic National Committee (DNC) emails that were leaked just before the Democratic National Convention detailing their aggressive stance against candidate Bernie Sanders and much, much more aggressive sales tactics used to trade positions and power for donations to the DNC?

I . . . I don’t even . . . Where to begin?

Let’s start by making it clear that I am not a political person, creature, or entity in any way. I dislike both parties, and I try to avoid the topic of politics like I would the dentist, the plague, and my ex-girlfriend all rolled into one. I think Donald Trump is definitely a racist but probably not smart enough to be a fascist, as some claim. And I trust Hillary Clinton about as far as I could throw her (metaphorically off a cliff onto Trump). So when I lay into the DNC – which I’m about to, just wait it’s going to be great – know that it comes from a place of genuine disgust and revulsion and has nothing to do with party lines.

Of the many, many, many, many (see fuck load) scandalous emails revealed last Thursday on WikiLeaks, the ones that stand out the most are the those that reveal just how for sale this country is. Let’s walk through one exchange.

Jordan Kaplan, the National Finance Director of the DNC, sent out, ” . . . this is the last call for boards and commissions; if you have someone, send to [DNC finance chief of staff Scott] Comer – full name, city, state, email and phone number. Send as many as you want, just don’t know how many people will get to.”

Jordan C. Vaughn, the National AALC Finance Director, was a little confused, “Boards and commissions? Sorry, I’m lost”.

Comer cleared the matter up for us though, “Any folks who you’d like to be considered to be on the board of (for example) USPS, NEA, NEH. Basically anyone who has a niche interest and might like to serve on the board of one of these orgs.”

“I should say, though, that the likelihood of landing a spot on ones as prestigious as NEA/USPS is unlikely. It’s much more likely they’ll get something like ‘President’s Commission on the Celebration of Women in American History.’ (no shade to women)”

Oh! Thanks for clearing that up for us, Comer. So glad to know that the DNC finance department is so crucial in nominating people for appointments.

Vaughn responded with a list of DNC donors who had each given thousands of dollars towards democratic campaigns over the years. Luckily these appointments aren’t likely to be to such prestigious organizations as the NEA/USPS! Those spots go to much higher bidders donors.

But wait, American people, there’s more! Why not look over an exchange from May 2 that reads exactly like an exchange between a used car salesman and an unlucky customer. Today the roles of car salesman and unlucky customer will be played by Naomi Aberly and Robert Glovsky, Vice Chair of the wealth management company, The Colony Group, respectively.

Aberly begins with a cold email to Glovsky soliciting him for additional donations before the convention (emphasis added), “I know you are all in for Hillary (thank goodness things are looking good there finally), but the DNC is looking to past generous supporters like you for contributions now, before the convention. I know there is an argument for giving through the Hillary Victory Fund, but it is also important to give now if you want anything at convention….. If you do another DNC max out check now, before June 1, you qualify for a convention package….. And I am expecting you want to be there! It has been my experience that the DNC can do more for donors than the campaign can – at this point in the cycle for a first term presidential candidate.”

Hmmm, what do you mean by “the DNC can do more for donors”, Aberly? And is this “convention package” the one I’ve been hearing so much about where you’re booked at a premier hotel, VIP credentials, and six slots at “an exclusive roundtable and campaign briefing with high-level Democratic officials”.

Glovsky responded, “I plan on going to the convention and, of course, want the best package . . . let’s talk, either by phone or over lunch, as I always value your opinion.”

The two chit chat over the setting of their lunch date before Glovsky asks, “The one question I need to get a handle on is what I get if I give the $33,400 by June 1 to the Victory Fund – either from the campaign or the DNC. and, how does that compare to being a Hillraiser.”

At this point Aberly emails Jordan Kaplan, still the National Finance Director of the DNC in case you forgot, “See below – somehow, I was lucky enough to get out of lunch and only have to talk with him on the phone – but see his entirely NOT strategic question below – How hard is it? Any advice on how to further answer this – I replied with something about the campaign needing primary money and probably not counting victory fund money for too much at this point?”

Kaplan sent, “Your answer is spot on; the campaign is not counting any credit right now (weird) but you are correct. He would have more juice at the DNC than with HVF.”

See America, this is why it’s important to talk with your political representatives. You gotta know where you’re going to have the most “juice” at.

In all seriousness, anyone who can read between th- actually no, anyone who is capable of just reading the lines can see that the DNC is trading power and position in Washington for campaign donations. This level of despicable, conspiratorial behavior is beyond loathsome. They are handing out government appointments to whoever gives them the most money. They are selling who gets to meet with our leaders and whisper in their ears. Our political power is being bought and sold out from under the American people. Whether you believe it or not, get used to hearing it, because America will be talking about this level of corruption for years to come.

I was never feeling the Bern, but the DNC is lucky it managed to sink Bernie Sanders’ campaign before he ever made it into office, because his talk of campaign finance reform sounds like it really could have hurt their business. And from all appearances, it looks like business is good.