In late 2016 I became obsessed with 50-year-old comedian Joe Matarese. Have you heard of him? Maybe the name rings a bell. He has great credits in his 30-year career, including David Letterman (twice), Craig Ferguson, and “Chelsea Lately.” Of course, those national shows and the many other similar ones Joe appeared on are long gone from the airwaves — but not our memories. And just in case you do forget those shows, Joe constantly reminds everybody that he was on them.

The great comedian Joe Matarese. For more information check out www.joematarese.com.

The nature of my obsession for Joe is not sexual. I think. I saw his penis in a dream once but I don’t believe the dream was sexual. I don’t remember too much of it, other than his penis was long and thin

I fell in love with Joe instantly upon hearing his podcast called “Fixing Joe.” We were kindred spirits in so many ways. We took prescribed anti-depressants, were both emotionally wounded, and I had even done stand-up comedy with regional success in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware from 2003 to 2013.

I was fascinated at his achievements in comedy — but also that despite many close calls — he had yet to achieve mainstream success. He was always in the process of trying to make it big, and this was a frequent topic on his podcast. He had seen and done it all, but was in a constant state of frustration over his stalled career. I lived vicariously through his victories and defeats, onstage and in real life.

Listening to the twice weekly “Fixing Joe” podcast quickly became religion for me. And as such was a whole lot more fun for me than being Jewish. There was also a collection of over 200 back episodes for me to devour on his website www.joematarese.com. The episodes are not funny, they’re not sad. They are fascinating, Yet the majority of people I recommended the program to found it unbearable. To them it was just some guy droning on about his career and family. Their short attention spans could not handle Joe’s brilliance. You won’t like “Fixing Joe” either. It doesn’t matter that I love them. Podcasts are not a thing to be recommended. A recommended podcast is an ignored podcast. We listen to what interests us. When anybody recommends a podcast to me, I instantly know I’m never going to hear it. So I rarely put people through that exercise. I don’t even tell people in my life to listen to my podcast. Frankly most people in my life don’t even know I do a podcast. It’s a big fucking secret and I don’t want motherfuckers in my business like that boyeeee.

One reason why I became obsessed with Joe was because he had a promotional idea called the “Outside the Box Tour.” This was a concept he offered where his fans became the promoters. The neophyte fan that went for this was thus tasked with searching for venues and selling tickets. These shows could be held anywhere, including town halls, bars, living rooms and backyards etc. The catch was that Joe received his standard guaranteed fee, while the promoter kept the remaining door gross (for profit or to raise funds for charity).

I was really impressed and shocked that a comedian with such great credits was putting it out there that he was so desperate for bookings. Especially with such an insane concept where he asked his fans to morph into comedy show promoters. Can you imagine if a doctor was like “You be the nurse! Let’s set up a hospital bed in an Airbnb and just start charging people. You print up the insurance and intake sheets, I’ll treat the patients.”

Even with this ridiculous but interesting “outside the box” tour, Joe was still a well regarded road comedian. He also does corporate gigs and is in regular rotation at many of NYC’s finest comedy clubs.

I was also drawn to “Fixing Joe” because Joe took calls even though his podcast was pre-recorded. He had set up a Google Voice number so his fans could leave questions via voicemail message.

I began to leave a series of bizarre messages. Sometimes I would leave five to ten a day. And they weren’t questions for Joe. Instead I was pouring out the stories of my life newly challenged by the mental illness known as paranoia. I didn’t have full-fledged paranoia. My paranoia was on the low end spectrum. My therapist explained to me that full-fledged paranoia was someone claiming “aliens are following me, the FBI is following me.” I didn’t suffer from that. I was paranoid about little, common everyday things that would evolve into major conspiracies rattling inside my head.

These little conspiracies were messing me up. If I accidentally bumped into someone I was worried they would have me arrested for assault. If someone caught me staring at them I thought they would accuse me of doing something bad. I thought everybody was gonna tell on me for shit I didn’t do. I was in fear of total strangers.

I was also needlessly suffering at work, mostly over bathroom related issues. I couldn’t use the men’s room there because I was nervous about sharing a bathroom with people who knew I was planning to begin living as woman soon. I was afraid my male co-workers would think I was a pervert trying to look at them pee. So I started to use the single use bathroom at work, but even that became a problem. One time I went to use the single use bathroom and the door was locked. A female voice said “I’m in here.” I froze at the door for what seemed like minutes but was probably more like about 4 seconds. But it was a long four seconds, an awkward four seconds. Then I pathetically said “Sorry.” I was freaked out, and ran back to my desk and cried. I thought for sure the lady was gonna say I was trying to watch her. Soon after, my doctor told me that stuff like that was nothing to worry about. He said it’s common for people to try and use bathrooms that are occupied. He explained that the person using the bathroom says they’re inside, and that the person who wants to use it just comes back shortly thereafter or even waits for their turn. Then the doctor put me on a drug called Abilify, and within days I no longer suffered from paranoia. So if I ever stop taking Abilify, watch out!!

After I went on went Abilify, my obsession for Joe became less intense, but still inspired me. I had already decided to do a podcast about him, so we started it in March of 2017 on the www.laffcast.com network The show is called the “Monumental Waste of Time” podcast, aka “MWOT.” It’s hosted by me and my former paramour A-Plus. I had met A-Plus about 10 years prior. Ironically, she was at the time an obsessed fan of mine, and would give me sexual favors merely because I was a local celebrity on Philadelphia’s CBS Radio affiliate WYSP-FM.

Today A-Plus and I are platonic best friends, more like family. Despite the fact that we haven’t had sex in 8 years or so, I recently asked her to marry me. I figured we’d have sex once a year or something just to make it official. I was drunk when I asked her but it must have come from some place inside my heart and head. She rejected my offer. I don’t remember that part. My recollection is she just didn’t answer me. But she is adamant she said “no.”

Recently we talked about buying a house together, but she said I wouldn’t be on the deed. So I said “fuck that” then. Even more recently, I rubbed up on her and she brushed me off and called me a lesbian.

When we first started the podcast barely anybody watched or listened but I didn’t care. I just wanted to do good shows. I get joy just listening back to them in between episodes all the while pretending that it’s real radio. Then somebody named Mike David came into our lives and everything changed. “Who is Mike David,” you ask. I can’t really tell you the answer because I don’t know.

The great broadcaster Mike David. For more information check out redbarradio.net.

He broadcasts a popular online TV show called RedBar for six hours a week at www.redbarradio.net . These magical six hours are not spread out over six nights. Instead his show airs instead for six hours every Saturday night. The first two hours of each show are available for free. The remaining content is available through monthly subscription only. He also sells incredible, high-quality clothing bearing the RedBar logo. His show and merchandise are devoured by an extremely devoted following of between one and ten thousand heads known as “The Scars Club.” Membership costs $11 per month, and the Redbar empire functions as a primary source of income for Mike. I don’t know that for fact, but one can surmise. It’s been rumored that he has rich parents but I don’t know anything about that.

He has money to spare too. When Louie CK had his downfall in Fall of 2017, Mike celebrated with a bottle of Cristal champagne.

I’m sure he’s delighted that I’m counting his money by the way.

At first I didn’t like Mike because he was brutal to Matarese on RedBar. Now I love Mike. This change stemmed from a phenomenon Mike labeled “Trick-A-Trans.” He began to speak highly of me and our show on RedBar. I am transwoman, so when Mike started being nice to me, whether he meant it or not, I quickly fell in love with him. At first I wanted to take a shower with him. But now I just seem to have a creative respect and fascination for the guy.

He invented the term “Trick-A-Trans” on his show, but it’s actually what men do to me in real life too. I recently lost my virginity in the female role. The guy who took it is named Mark. I met him on Craigslist. He pretends to be attracted to me and I am his subservient bitch. I fell in love with Mark one hour after meeting him. He makes me feel like a woman. I dress like a woman and talk and act like one for him.

Mark pretends to believe I’m a woman. He uses me sexually. He’s not a prostitute but he asks me for money. I think he’s called “trade” but I really don’t know what that reference means. Sometimes I give him money. I’m also required to be a good hostess by having a bottle of Dewars and a pack of American Spirit cigarettes available for his enjoyment every visit. I also pay every visit for his Uber ride to and from. Sometimes when he’s here he cases my house for valuables to steal. But there are none — except my RedBar hoodie.

Sometimes Mark beats me physically, but I like it. He has a weird control over me.

I love Mike David because he is bitter but funny. We also have something in common. We’re both obsessed with Joe Matarese.

Mike’s personal life is largely off limits on his show. Joe Matarese gives out intricate personal details of his life on his podcasts. Differences like that are what make Joe and Mike the ying and yang of my life.

Joe is an open book, Mike is a series of controlled messages

I have a crush on Joe and Mike. Despite what I’ve said earlier, I wish I was a female presence in both of their lives, or at least one of theirs. But they have attractive wives, and I could never compete. I don’t have a vagina…yet. And both of their wives are prettier and smarter than me.

Mike’s wife is named Jules. She’s cool and we follow each other on Twitter. Plus Mike said they watch my Periscopes together. Somebody sent me a hot Instagram pic of Jules but I got nervous looking at it. I was intimidated by it I think. She has a nice body and I’m an old cunt.

I have no connection with Joe’s wife Stephanie other than following a parody account of her on Twitter. I creeped her out once by talking on the podcast about taking a trip to her hometown to innocently stalk her husband. Well not “stalk,” that’s too strong of a word. On the show, A-plus and I discussed wanting to see Joe’s house and favorite places. We wanted to take selfies at his gym and favorite Starbucks.

Despite discussing this mission on the show, A-Plus and I had no intention of actually going to New Rochelle to stalk Joe. And it was stupid that Joe and his wife got creeped out at us, because we actually got Joe’s phone number and address by googling it. Weeks later we ended up getting Joe’s cell number anyway when A-Plus booked him for an appearance on our podcast.

So far he’s been a guest via phone on three different episodes of our bi-weekly program.

The first time Joe was on the show we really kissed his ass. I was lobbing softball question after softball question at him, which enabled him to pontificate about show business ad nauseam. A-Plus practically fell asleep mid show and basically went mute, which was shocking at the time because she was usually fired up to criticize Joe. I actually appreciated her decision to fall back though because we had to show Joe some respect. By having this unauthorized podcast about him we had basically hijacked his life. Some people may have been unnerved and maybe not cool about some obsessed fan having a not always sunshiney podcast about them, but Joe had for the most part fully accepted that the show existed. In the end what could he do? He was basically powerless to stop it.

That dilemma reared its ugly head a few month months later. Joe told me in a private phone conversation that our show and RedBar basically kept him up at nights. He was asking us to stop the show without actually asking. I told him, “Joe I don’t think you’ve asked me to stop the show, but you’ve given me a lot to think about. “’

That was the only answer I could give to appease him. I had no intention of stopping.

Joe’s 2nd call into our show led to an epic meltdown of his. A week prior, comedian Steve Rees was a guest on our show and he was highly critical of Joe’s talent.

Joe emailed me later that day. He wrote: “Hey, I have to come on your show when the guy you had on today can be on again. He says so many inaccurate things. You want good radio, let him and I argue!”

I immediately booked Steve for the following week.

In the days prior to the show I felt Joe was gonna eat Steve alive. Steve wasn’t a particularly argumentative dude, kind of laid back in fact. Plus Joe had everything on Steve when it came to experience and credits etc. But then I listened to Steve’s podcast, “The Passive Aggressive Hour,” a couple days prior to the “Joe vs. Steve” battle we planned and Steve was already trash talking and acting psyched. A-Plus asked me to let Joe know that Steve was frothing at the mouth. Well she didn’t use that terminology but you get the point. This is where maybe I threw Joe under the bus. I made the conscious decision not to tell Joe that Steve was so geeked up because I didn’t want him to have second thoughts about coming on. I convinced myself that it was best for the show to let Joe think he was gonna school this unknown Philly comic named Steve Rees.

And truthfully that’s what I thought was gonna happen.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The first colossal error Joe made was his decision to call and confront Steve while attending his son’s Little League game. Steve was in studio and quickly got the upper hand on Joe. He successfully used the tactic of interrupting Joe at every turn and not letting him make any points. This got Joe increasingly enraged. Again, he was standing out near right field of his son’s Little League game going berserk.

Joe eventually lost his cookies and screamed “you’re a fucking asshole. If you were in front of me … the Celexa would be gone and I would be charging you with a forearm to your fucking chin.”

The fighting continued and Joe upped the ante by threatening: “If I ever run into you or that Mike David guy I’m gonna knock you off your fucking feet.”

I instantly knew that Joe had made podcast history. It only has 3,000 views on Youtube but that’s not the point. Everybody who heard or saw this will never be the same.

Joe hung up in frustration. He called back later in the show but the damage had been done.

The battle between Steve and Joe was instantly covered by RedBar. I was so grateful and proud. It was amazing to see our show on Redbar’s infamous big screen. Mike David said I was in “Hamburger Heaven.””

My immediate thought was that after this “Joe vs. Steve” battle, everything else the show did from then on was gonna be gravy. No one could ever take away what we had enabled.

The third time Joe was on had its unique moments too. At one point I asked him a question and stopped listening during the answer due to my ADD, or worse possibly, my early onset Alzheimer’s. When Joe called in for his 3rd appearance, he was at first greeted by an memorable freak out from A-Plus. She left the studio in a huff, upset that Joe had called in despite texting me 10 minutes prior to the show that he wouldn’t be coming on because it was best if he laid low.

Joe felt the need to lay low because internet trolls were infecting his life on Twitter, Reddit and elsewhere. Joe was being viciously cyber-bullied, but was too hard-headed to understand that the majority of these “trolls” were actually comedy fans that he eventually could convert to fans of his. They were obsessed with his every move. They made fun of all his failed projects, They ridiculed him for having a wife that made more money than he did. I tried desperately to get Joe to see the humor in their barbs. I told him it would be analogous to making a heckler at a standup comedy show change into a laughing fan. In my opinion, it was Joe’s job to turn the Matarese haters into Matarese lovers.

In Joe’s defense some of the trolling went too far. His wife and kids were ridiculed online.

Some trolls were even calling around to comedy clubs cancelling Joe’s shows.

In those instances it was basically identity theft.

With the trolls I was able to beat Joe to the punch. The trolls became familiar with me because of my fandom of Joe. But instead of attacking me, the trolls and I were having a love affair. I needed them even more than they needed me. The trolls inspired me. They appreciated our show.

Being on the radar of the trolls increased our fan base. Then, Mike’s on-air endorsement of us on RedBar caused our viewership to skyrocket percent wise. The numbers weren’t enormously successful (in the 500 to 1500 range), but it was far higher than the 50 to 100 we previously got per episode. And I cherish these viewers and listeners. I was trying to show Joe by example that the trolls were good eggs. But Joe always ignored my advice. He doesn’t value my opinion. A-Plus said this is because Joe loves me and people tend to ignore the advice of those closest to them.

Even though Joe appeared on our podcast and listened to it intently, he publically ridiculed it. Mike pointed out with some embellishment that when Joe went on Compound Media’s “Anthony Cumia and Artie Lange Show,” he basically said “some idiot has a podcast about me.”

There was a really nice troll named Parking Tigers. The weird thing is that Parking Tigers is actually more than five different trolls and I have no idea who the fuck is who. Parking Tigers sometimes serves as a special correspondent on our podcast but I never know whose voice it’s gonna be. That’s okay because Parking Tigers is a franchise internet troll and I’m delighted to be on their good side. Parking also showed a soft side by starting a t-shirt selling campaign that raised a few bucks towards my male-to -female transition. The t-shirts were manufactured by a fly-by-night internet company known as Teespring. You can check them out at www.teespring.com. They lead the league in vanity projects.

In December of 2017, the troll world was hit hard by the apparent disappearance of Mark Viduka. This chap, based in England, is an epic troll dubbed “The King of Taking Things Too Far” by Mike David.

Viduka fortunately reappeared after two weeks. Many in troll world speculated at Viduka’s disappearance that he had passed away. But I felt more comfortable suggesting that he was just taking a break, and I was proved correct. In the ever changing world of trolls, several Alt-Viduka troll accounts were spawned during his sabbatical. But no one can replace the real Viduka. Like Parking Tigers, Viduka took a liking to me and often appears on our show as a special correspondent too. I don’t know why everybody thought he was dead. I understood that being a troll is a rough grind. Everyone jumped to the conclusion that he had died, but I said on Periscope maybe he needed a break, or met a girl, or had some personal matters to attend to. That’s his business, and you don’t ask a troll to many personal questions. Delving too far into the world of a internet troll is like asking a magician to tell you how he did a trick.

Quick Disclaimer: Trolls exist outside of the Redbar universe, and not all RedBar fans are trolls.

However, through RedBar and to a lesser extent our show, the trolls were themselves becoming famous. I thought they each deserved their own baseball card. And I offered the world’s best trolls the opportunity to crash at my house for Troll Con in May of 2018 in Philadelphia. The gala would include all of us appearing at Joe’s stand up shows that weekend at Helium in Philly. I said the trolls could sleep at my house if they brought sleeping bags or air mattresses. But it was highly unlikely any of them would show, as anonymity is an integral aspect of a troll’s arsenal.

Online and in real life I was a playing dangerous game immersing myself amongst the trolls. But I loved them. I loved their sense of humor. I loved their fearlessness and the feeling that I was friends with the funniest guys. Of course I realized they could turn on me at anytime and for any reason. But I was cool with that.

So far it seems in this writing that I’m hating on Joe. But I love Joe Matarese. I always tell people I love Joe. I also love Mike and also my ex boyfriend Mark. But before I got on Abilify, I was obsessed with this dude named Damon. Like Mark, I “met” Damon on Craigslist.

He is a dominant Black Master that I quickly fell in love with, despite the fact that I never saw him in person. In the beginning we would have phone sex, but he started to feel I was too obsessive so he cut off contact. I would text and call him ten times a day. My therapist said if I didn’t stop calling him I could get arrested, so that scare tactic worked. The other way I began to wean myself off Damon was to call into Joe’s podcast. As I stated previously, I was calling Joe’s podcast up to ten times a day. Joe and his listeners started to get creeped out. Eventually Joe started playing “The Exorcist” music underneath my calls to enhance their fright factor. But the calls were important in that they helped me stop calling Damon.

For the first time since starting our podcast almost a year ago, I recently talked to Damon again. I asked him if he would let me be his sissy slave now for real.

He didn’t say yes or no.

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By Karen From Philly….for more info check @JoeMatFan on Twitter