Melbourne mother, Erika Collins, doesn’t like Halloween and wants you to know about it.

“Halloween is American consumerist rubbish!”

Melbourne mother of 2, Erika Collins, warns that letting your children celebrate Halloween by trick-or-treating will indoctrinate them into an unhealthy relationship with risk and reward. Halloween falls on the eve of Melbourne Cup this year, and is equal parts hallo-brated and hallo-hated in Australia.

“It’s commercialised crap. It teaches kids that they can get something for nothing. It has no place in Australian culture!” Erika says, while cutting out the names of the horses from a newspaper for a family betting sweeps at tomorrows Cup Day BBQ.

Children dressed as Americans.

Halloween, which originated from an ancient Celtic harvest festival called Samhain, or possibly from American Satan-worshipers looking for fresh converts (depends on who you ask and how many Jesus related bumper stickers are on their car) is celebrated around the world on October 31st.

With a sordid history in Australia — long associated with unsavory and un-Australian conduct like allowing kids to dress too imaginatively, trusting strangers, hooliganism and — worse of all — opportunistic crossdressing.

“Kids need to learn that the media has an agenda, and wants them to become part of a system of state-sanctum oppression. They need to learn to think for themselves.” Erika says, motioning towards the TV, showing the odds for tomorrows favourite to win, with a panel of racing experts explaining how to get in on the action.

Melbournian kids learning how to break a horses spirit instead of celebrating American traditions.

“Trick-or-treating is so American. Only the US would create a tradition where you have to send out your kids to beg neighbours for food. What’s next? Get them to dress like a vampire and crowdfund my home mortgage? Humiliating.”

Local builder, Garrett, shares this sentiment — though not quite so eloquently. “Oar yeah, Halloween is fucked, ay.” Garrett says, ironing out his green,VB embezzled tie for the big race tomorrow.

“Who fucking cares about that overseas shit.”, he continues. “Oym just looking forward to a big day tomorrow with moi kids at the Cup — drinking piss, checking out the shit-faced birds and watching the ponies. Now that’s a ‘strayan tradition! Beat the fuck out of a horse until it pays out.” Garrett says, not making reference to the Mexican tradition of piñatas.

Australians say Halloween costumes are silly.

At the time of writing, Erika was explaining how a trifecta works to her 12 year old for his first flutter tomorrow, and preparing a heavily-vodka laced fruit punch for the family gathering. Garrett disappeared into the night before we could complete the interview, heading towards the pub, chanting the lyrics to Horses by Daryl Braithwaite.