I wasn’t going to say anything about MTV’s “2017 Resolutions for White Guys” video since I was hoping all the fuss would die down and our cover wouldn’t be blown and we white guys could continue to enjoy this nice white privilege power structure we’ve built up for ourselves. And I was getting pretty upset by commenters pushing back against MTV’s video, refuting the assertions contained therein; all that they were doing is calling more attention to this good little thing we’ve got going for ourselves! “Shut up, you guys!” I’d yell at every YouTube response. “If you ignore the video it will go away, and we can go back to getting away with all this stuff we millions of white guys enjoy each and every day!”

But then I realized that our white privilege is so strong, no two minute video can erode it. Here’s when you know you’re sitting pretty: when the only way something can be taken away from you is by voluntarily giving it up. That’s why they’re always telling us to check our white privilege, because those who don’t have it can’t check it. If white privilege could be lost due to some other group taking it away, it would have happened by now. White privilege is like Hulkamania: it runs wild all over non-whites. So, since white privilege is something that all white people enjoy and we can lose it only if we choose to give it up, I may as well flaunt it!

There’s nothing I enjoy better than being a white cisgender male in America. I’ve got privilege dripping out of my pockets. I thank my lucky stars every morning when I wake up, since white privilege is like a cloaking device which allows me to break laws coloured people can only dream of flouting (one of my white privileges is writing phrases like “coloured people” rather than the PC-acceptable “people of colour” [I spell it with a ‘u’ because that’s the British style, which is super-white, just to rub it in the faces of those unprivileged people out there. The British flavour of privilege is the most delectable and elegant kind]). For instance, sometimes I go to department stores and steal items off the shelves since there is no security guard hot on my heels as I meander through the aisles. I’m not worried about being hassled by security, due to this alabaster epidermis, even when the metal detector sounds as I exit the store with my ill-gotten goods, since the guard is always white himself, and according to the Rules of White Privilege, he has to tip his hat to me and apologize for the malfunctioning metal detector.

On the rare occasions I am actually arrested following the many times I rape women, I don’t even bother to engage counsel (one of my white privileges is saying things like “engage counsel” instead of “hire a lawyer”), since this white skin of mine is a more effective defense than any sort of alibi or cross-examination an attorney could come up with. At arraignment, the judge looks up from the docket and when he sees me standing before him, accused of a crime so heinous no man in a position as privileged as myself could commit, he says, “Oh, there must be some mistake. You are free to go.” It works every time. Usually the prosecutor complains, but she ceases her protestations when the judge reminds her, “Maybe you didn’t notice the skin color of the defendant? Do you want to be held in contempt?”

I hail from a demographic that enjoys 0% unemployment and 0% poverty, because, you see, when you are born with privilege, jobs are just waiting for you. We own all the places of business, and all of our businesses are in all the good parts of town. The jobs are all six figures or higher, which allows my wife and I to live in a residential area surrounded by other white people of privilege. Everything that we enjoy was inherited, and it is protected by the white privilege power structure.

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Though the white privilege power structure is very strong, that doesn’t mean it is completely invulnerable. An MTV video can’t defeat us; the only way we can lose our white privilege is if we actually check it. Some of my white brothers and sisters out there reading this may be thinking that our privilege is impervious, but I warn you: do not ever, ever, check your white privilege, even as a joke.

Just what, you may be wondering, keeps me up at night?

The possibility of a coloured person winning an Academy Award.

Let me explain: politics runs downstream from culture, and there is no battleground in the culture war that more effectively wins, or loses, the hearts and minds of Americans than Hollywood. It’s of vital importance that we recognize and understand what might happen if the Academy Awards gets too colourful. Halle Berry won her Oscar in 2002…six years later Barack Obama was elected president. See what I mean?!

I can’t tell you how raging mad I was the last two years at that #OscarsSoWhite campaign! That’s why this Oscar season, due to the popularity and reverence of movies about coloureds, such as Moonlight and Fences, I’m starting the hashtag #OscarsNotWhiteEnough. Can any of you imagine what might happen to our beloved white privilege if the white people who run Hollywood gave too many Oscars to non-whites?! Why can’t these coloured actors and filmmakers check their under-privileged privilege?

Two highly-praised movies that are front runners for Best Picture nominations are Manchester By The Sea and La La Land, which depict (thankfully!) white characters. A lot of mainstream white people loved these movies, but as a proud member of the alt-white, I must point out how these movies represent a threat to the white privilege power structure. Manchester By The Sea and La La Land may as well be science fiction since they are so removed from real life. These movies portray a white janitor forced to care for his newly orphaned nephew, and a white jazz musician and white actress who do not have an easy time bringing their artistic visions to fruition. This is not the white privilege world I live in, and I’m offended that the filmmakers (two white men!) would have the gall to depict such an unrealistic white world. I don’t know why these two self-loathing white directors desire to subvert their very own positions; perhaps mental illness is more prevalent among white men than was previously thought.

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Ms. Wells, below, shows another way in which our white privilege can be self-eroded.

As of press time, Ms. Wells has not responded to my inquiries as to who this “poor white person” (a risible notion, certainly, but one that must still be taken seriously since we are only as strong as our weakest member) is, so that he may be provided employment, and unconditional debt forgiveness.

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The most significant current threat to the white privilege power structure? Just yesterday, Senator Ted Cruz and Congressman Ron DeSantis, two HISPANICS, proposed an amendment to the Constitution, a document written and ratified by WHITE CISGENDERED MALE Founding Fathers, which would impose term limits on members of Congress. How dare they! The Constitution is a perfect document, and all Amendments after the original Bill of Rights are illegitimate anyway.

Cruz and DeSantis may be pale faces, but they are not the good kind of white, willingly foregoing their white privilege. What is a better representation of privilege than a lack of term limits?! I urge all of my readers to write to your white Congressmen and vote against this amendment proposal, before we lose the country to those invading from south of the border. Or north of the border, seeing as how Cruz is a Cuban-Canadian-American.

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And that’s the way it is, as far as you know.