I was re-watching a Louis C.K. stand-up special on Netflix this weekend (because there’s nothing else to watch on Netflix, but that’s another story on another site) and as I was listening along to his bits, a certain life philosophy began to take shape. Louis C.K. has a very wise, very profane, and very funny perspective on existence. One joke in particular got me thinking: Louis C.K. should write a self-help book — more like a pamphlet, really. Maybe he could even put it on stone tablets. In fact, you know what: Louis C.K. should have his own Bible. He should compile a set of principles relating to ethics and worship, which would play a fundamental role in how we live our lives. No, actually, you know what? Louis C.K. should start his own goddamn religion, and these should be Louis’s 20 Commandments.

Thou Shalt Refrain from Optimism

Thou Shall Not Interrupt One’s Life to Tweet About It

Thou Shall Avoid Hyperbole

Thou Shall Not Blame Technology for One’s Sh*tty Life

Thou Shall Honor God By Masturbating

Thou Shall Continue to Eat Until You Hate Yourself

Thou Shalt Have Sexual Relations with Ewan McGregor

Thou Shall Respect a Woman’s Nonviolent Stance

Thou Shalt Never Complain of Boredom

Thou Shalt Not Interfere in the Marriages of Others

Thou Shall Have the Appropriate Perspective on Race

Thou Shalt Not Rape

Thou Shall Protect the Earth

Thou Shalt Not Murder, Unless Thou Can Get Away With It

Thou Shall Limit One’s Dreams

Thou Shalt Not Complain About Petty, Insignificant Bulls*t

Thou Should Be Careful of About Crossing a Woman

Thou Shalt Not Be Afraid of a Woman’s Body

Thou Shalt Have a Code, But You Don’t Have to Live By It

Thou Shalt Ignore the Commandments of God