All right Mr. and Mrs. Murka. Let's start with the National School Lunch Program. Talk about spreading the wealth around! Do kids pay income tax? Screw the bastards!

SCHOOL LUNCH PROGRAM: GONE! (um, yeah, okay...)

Next let's cut the G.I. Bill. Just a bunch of grizzled veterans trying to get into your daughter's culottes. On your dime and mine.

GI BILL: POOF! (oh gee that doesn't seem...)

It's time we stopped coddling old people, so let's drain Medicare while we're at it. Smart people got great jobs, invested properly, and inherited a mountain of wealth from their parents. So it's not true that old people can't afford their own health care. For those people that didn't rise to the executive level of a multinational energy conglomerate, well, you had your chance. You only go around once in life!

MEDICARE: DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YA! (gee I dunno that seems...)

And that goes double for poor people. You want Medicaid? SCHIP? Get a job. A government job.

MEDICAID: SO LONG, DEADBEAT! (well okay if you say so but...)

Oh, wait, health care for government employees is socia...oops! Okay, we'll give you government mopes a $3,000 raise and call it square. Can we tax that $3,000? We can? Great, we'll need it in Iran! (oops!!!)

GOV'T HEALTH CARE: CIAO BABY! (yabbut what about my..?)

How about the Forest Service, the brainchild of that uber socialist on Mt. Rushmore with the funny glasses. No self-respectin' free market system should let all those 700 million square miles of timber and free range just sit there doing nothing! Heck, let's just auction it off, let Exxon and Weyerhauser and McDonalds divvy it up and charge people for camping permits. There won't be any kind of hunter-fisherman backlash or anything will there? Montana and Idaho will still stay red, right? Bah! Who cares?

U.S. FOREST SERVICE: SORRY TEDDY!!! (but really all the best hunting is...)

Come to think of it, what about the Park Service (damn that land-grabbing Roosevelt!!!)? So much lost opportunity for profit! Most REAL Americans would love to have a Big Mac or a Whopper or a Denny's Grand Slam to enhance their visit to Yosemite Valley, but the SOCIALISTS won't let them!

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE: SOLD! (is that really neccess...?)

Now finally a real biggie: The Armed Forces. Did you realize those slackers get paid even when they're NOT FIGHTING? It's true! Folks, you may not realize it but you are "spreading the wealth" so that high school dropouts can hop from country to country on a babe-magnet aircraft carrier! Which is why we propose transferring 300,000 military units to Blackwater Inc. by the end of 2009.

ARMED FORCES: SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT STORIES! (my stars that really seems kinda...)

Hmm...what else? Amtrack? This is nothing but welfare for Amish people who want to see the west coast. What better way to keep the trains running on time than...getting rid of the trains!?

AMTRAK: BUH-BYE! (b-b-but the trains are so...)

It still still seems like we're forgetting something...OH GOOD CHRIST ALMIGHTY HOW CAN WE FORGET SOCIAL SECURITY!!!

SOCIAL SECURITY: KAPOW! KABLOOOOOOOEY!!!! (HEY WTF!?)

Hey whatsa matter folks? Too much too soon? Okay, we shoulda warned you about social security. And anyway we're not really going to get rid of this stuff. What, you think we're crazy? They'd run us out of office faster than Sarah can level a wolf pack! But look, you gotta promise you won't tell your neighbors about this. I mean what's a little scare tactic between friends, right? If you were to go around telling good Americans that socialism is all around them it would take all the fun out of it! And then we couldn't frighten the piss outta people by yelling SOCIALISM HUSSEIN SOCIALISM SOCIALISM OBAMA SOCIALISM!!!

Anyway, thanks for stopping by the office. Here's a McCain/Palin button. Now go get me a latte.