EU Summit: David Cameron secures changes to Eurovision voting

There were dramatic scenes in Brussels in the early hours of this morning as it became clear that David Cameron had secured his preferred voting format for the Eurovision song contest.

According to the new rules, the votes will be collated from the individual countries as usual, and then, right at the end, the results of the Europe-wide public vote will be announced, thus rendering the interminable previous two hours utterly pointless.

This is David Cameron’s preferred format as on Saturdays he takes the family to the pub and he needs time to find any misplaced daughters.

The new voting system will allow him to do so, and make it home to see the big drama at the end.

The victory was hard-fought, with many countries having their own preferred formats; Germany would support a penalty shootout to decide the winner, Italy and France favour some form of sexy kissing vote system, Belgium were pushing for major changes to make it the ‘Eurovision Biscuit contest,’ Spain would prefer to see more slaughtering of bulls, and Ireland joined a lot of the Eastern European countries in trying to make the whole thing much more about drinking.

When asked whether he had made any deals on freedom of movement, trade, benefits, the Euro, or vetoes, Mr Cameron replied that he’d ‘got the Eurovision thing in the bag,’ and gave a slightly manic smile.