Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

how are y

Dear Mom,

how are you? How's Antarctica? I'm guessing it's probably getting a little cold, www. How is Toudou-san? Have you seen anymore penguins? Write me back soo

Dear Mom,

I don't really know why I'm doing this.

It's not like I'm delusional. I mean, I'm the daughter of the world's biggest Antarctica otaku. I know what happens to people who get separated in the middle of a blizzard on the flattest place on the planet. I'm not waiting for a miracle, I know you're

I know you're not coming home. So I don't know why I'm doing this. But I don't really know what else to do right now, so I guess that's that.

Dear Mom,

it's okay if

if this is all just some big joke, or you needed to disappear or something, if you were in trouble and you needed an erxcuse to pretend you were dead it'd be okay. you could just respond here and wecould talk just rthrough here and i wouldn't tell anyone, i promise, okay?

just

Dear Mom,

fuck ufck fuck fuck

gyfycuk

fuck

Dear Mom,

Toudou-san came to the house today. I almost didn't recognize her. She just talked to Grandma and then she sat a while in front of the shrine we put up. I kept looking at her from the hall, trying to see why she looked so weird. I looked and looked and finally I realized she didn't have makeup on. for some reason I don't remember ever seeing her look like that. She still looked pretty, but she also sort of looked like somebody had punched her in the face. I don't think she cried. I didn't talk to her.

Dear Mom,

I went back to school today. I talked to a lady I had never seen before, or, I guess, she talked mostly and I just waited for her to stop. Eventually she did and I went back to homeroom. Everyone was really quiet. I wondered if people would be whispering, but i guess that was kind of a dumb thing to think, like the kind of thing that only happens in anime and tv shows and stuff. i tried to pay attention in class but somehow the day was over before i knew it. i keep feeling like the sun is setting way faster than normal.

Dear Mom,

Toudou-san came by again. She wore makeup this time. I accidentally came in the room while she was still here. She said hello and i went back to my room. i feel like i should say sorry.

Dear Mom,

i'm sorry

i'm sorry you were alone. you were cold and alone and scared and

maybe you weren't scared. i keep hoping that. i don't actually remember if i've ever really seen you scared. you probably weren't. you probably just thought you were a little lost and thought you could push through it and find the others again. you were trying your hardest, weren't you? you were trying and maybe you laughed and shivered and

iji

fuckfuckfuckfukcFUCK

Dear Mom,

I've been reading your book again. I read it already but I keep reading it like I'll find something new in it. Not something new, magically, but like I'll put together something new or see something I missed. I like how you write. You write like, weird, sometimes it's like a textbook but not boring, like a not-boring textbook, and then you put in a joke smack in the middle of it. I thought that was goofy before but now I

I wonder if you wanted to write more books.

Dear Mom,

what the hell was so great about Antarctica in the first place.

Ohh, it's cold. Ohh, it has penguins. Big deal. Big fucking deal. You could have just gone to a zoo. Instead you had to go fuck around in the asscrack of the earth.

Was it worth it?

Was it worth dying for it?

Was it worth leaving me

Dear Mom,

Toudou keeps coming bye, and it's making me sick. What does she want? Forgiveness? Does she want me to say I forgive her? Forgive her for what, not dying? That's stupid. She's stupid. I want to yell at her to get out. I want to tell her that now I know why people said all those rumors about the two of you. I want to throw u

Dear Mom,

why did she come back and not you

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I;m sorry. If youre reading this I'm sorry. I dont care if

I don't hate Antarctica. I don't hate Toudou-san.

How could I hate the things that you loved with all your heart?

Dear Mom,

I'm going there.

Dear Mom,

I met with Maekawa-san today. She looked okay, just a little tired. She was really surprised to see me. I asked her when they were planning the next civilian expedition, and I guess maybe I should have waited a bit before bringing that up. In the end she just sighed and said we have to wait and see. Apparently there was a lot of news coverage and stuff about the expedition, and it'd be

Well, it's gonna be a while. But I told her I was going to participate in the next one. It was the first time I said I was going to Antarctica out-loud, to another person, and I felt like I was on the edge of a massive cliff, with one foot in the air.

Did it feel like that to you, too?

Maekawa-san didn't say anything for a long time.

Dear Mom,

I told Grandma I didn't really want to do anything for my birthday, but she got me a cake anyways. It was good. It's starting to get really cold. I'm trying to not wear jackets and stuff so I can start training for the expedition.

Dear Mom,

Got a cold. I'm trying to look for part-time jobs.

...

Dear Mom,

Merry Christmas.

...

Dear Mom,

Happy New Year.

...........

Dear Mom,

I started the new term yesterday. There's not really anyone i recognize in my homeroom. When we introduced ourselves I told them all that I was planning to go to Antarctica, and I wanted to tell them about you and the book but my throat starting itching and in the end I just sat down. I looked across the aisle and I saw a girl lean across her desk to another girl and whisper something. And she looked at me and just smiled in this weird way. It made the back of my neck feel weird.

I wanted to say something like, "What happened to that kind of thing only happening in anime and TV shows?" But I guess I couldn't.

Dear Mom,

I got a job!!!!! It's at this little old store on the way to school ran by this older couple. I technically lied a bit about my age and said I was in high school, but, I mean, it'll be soon, right? And they're old, some extra helping hands will be good for them, right? I think this will work. I have a good feeling about this!

Dear Mom,

My feet. Oh my god. I can't believe how long i stood today.

Dear Mom,

A woman yelled at me today because I almost charged her an extra 700 yen. I started crying and the old man had to come out and fix the order. The old lady tried comforting me and I hated that even more.

Dear Mom,

I popped a blister while changing for gym today. I hate this. I'm quitting tomorrow.

Dear Mom,

I'm not going to quit. You didn't quit. I'm not going to give up.

I'm not going to give up.

I. Am. Not. Going. To give up.

..........

Dear Mom,

today was the first day of summer break, and today Toudou-san came by to visit.

Do you remember that one day w

I remembered that one day you said you wanted to look at the clouds, out of complete nowhere. and the three of us just laid on the grass. i still remember the smell, the sweat and grass mixing. it was a day like today.

I said hello to Toudou-san, and she said hello to me. Then I went to my job.

...........

Dear Mom,

The cleaning job went okay. I think I can balance it with the store if I'm careful.

Today the teacher mentioned Robert Falcon Scott during a lecture and it felt like everyone in the room was looking at me. A few people turned. I felt that weird cold feeling on the back of my neck again, but after a moment, I thought of you. You would have just smiled, I'm sure, but I've never been really good at smiling. So I just sort of sat up and didn't look up from my notes.

Dear Mom,

During lunch some girls started asking me stuff about Antarctica,

ugh'

I thought because we talked about it during class, I just thought she just needed help, and I started talking about it, and i just got into it,

I didn't get

the girls were snickering and I didn't know what they thought was so funny, but when they left the room they all just burst out into laughter and

ugh, it's not like it's a big deal, it wasn't like stealing my shoes or writing on my desk or whatever, but i

i don't know.

i thought they really wanted to know.

Dear Mom,

It's fine. I know you would have just laughed it off. I'm not good at jokes and stuff so I just won't talk to them anymore. This is so not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It'll be fine.

Dear Mom,

I got suspended.

Dear Mom,

9erf

i just

fuckinghj

if it hadn't been your book!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mom,

it's not

they didn't know it was YOUR book. I mean, they didn't realize your Kobuchizawa was my Kobuchizawa,

they didn't know you were my mom

but she was like Haha Oh Man Kobuchizawa I Didn't Know You Wrote A Book!!! Can I Have An Autograph, I Wanna Tell All My Friends I Go To Class With Antarcticaaaaa

Dear Mom,

it's not like i threw the chair that fucking hard

Dear Mom,

it didnt even hit her!!!! one of the legs hit her arm and it hit her funny bone or whatever and she started screaming and crying like she got shot!!!!! oh my gGGGGOD

fine. so i'm suspended. it'll be over soon. i don't care.

....................

Dear Mom,

someone stole my shoes again. It makes me want to laugh. What do they think I'm going to do, cry cuz i want them to be my friends? oh noooooo how sad

...

Dear Mom,

remember how when i was really little I read that book where it said adelie penguins edge around water until one falls in to test for leopard seals? and i cried and cried and you told me that was just a misconception?

if i was a penguin, i'd do that, except i'd secretly trip in the penguins i really hated

Dear Mom,

Ugh, of course I don't mean that. I just

I really want to go to Antarctica.

i want to get away from all these people

i want to find

..........

Dear Mom,

the term's almost over. I've gotten almost 600k yen saved up now, and i think with the gardening job next month I can round it up. And then i'll be in high school. I think enough time has passed right? I'm going to

I'm going to ask Toudou-san and Maekawa-san again.

I'm going to go to Antarctica.

...

Dear Mom,

My new uniform is really plain. But I

I dunno, you probably would have wanted to see it.

Dear Mom,

there's a lot of people from my old school here. No one bothers me or anything, but i guess people know about me and what happened with that girl.

Sometimes I imagine they all have vegetables for heads.

...

Dear Mom,

jfkkkkkkkkkhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj

Dear Mom,

Fine. Next year then. Next year I'll have a full million yen and the expedition will be closer and they'll have changed their minds and i;ll go. I'll go. they have to let me. i'

...

Dear Mom,

did you know some people call me Antarctica? They weren't even clever. Stupid vegetables.

......

Dear Mom,

A woman at my job started screaming at me because the scanner couldn't take her card and I just stood there and stared at her and let her scream for a while, and eventually she noticed other people in the store staring at her. She went red and just paid with cash. I said "have a nice day" when she went out the door.

.......

Dear Mom,

they set the date for the expedition. I'll have about one million yen by then, for sure. Absolutely.

...

Dear Mom,

my first dream!!!! my first dream of the new year! i had, it had the hawk and the eggplant and i saw a mountain and im not sure it was mt fuji but im pretty sure it was, right?? it's gotta be close enough, right??? it HAS to be this year! I know it!!!!

......

Dear Mom,

mom.

i did it. one million yen.

i did it!!!!

i have to be careful. i haven't told anyone how much i really have, not even Grandma. it's still a couple weeks until the meeting. i just have to be patient.

i did it.

i will do it.

i AM going to Antarctica!

Dear Moioikdln

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Dear Mom,

A lot happened today.

I met someone.

Well, first I

I THOUGHT i lost the funds i saved up

I mean, I sort of did, the envelope must have slipped out on the way home last night, but

The important thing is, when I went to the bathroom today, I met a girl. And she had the envelope.

Her name is Tamaki Mari, but she told me to call her Kimari. She has really big eyes and her hair is cut kind of weird. She's a second-year too but I had never talked to her. She's perky, I guess. She reminds me of

She's really nice.

I told her about... well, a lot of stuff. It was weird. It had been a long time since I had really talked to anyone my age.

She didn't find it weird.

She seemed really interested.

Dear Mom,

She seemed REALLY interested.

Dear Mom,

mom, i wanted

i dont know, i wanted to do this on my own. i've done it on my own all these years. i didn't care about the others

but i just

would you be mad?

what if i didn't do it alone?

Dear Mom,

Kimari and me rode the shinkansen to see the freighter. It was nice. It was really nice. We ate lunch and got some shots of Mt Fuji! It was really fun!

The boat was good too!!!!

...

Dear Mom,

I met someone else.

Well, more like someone else met us. Her name's Miyake Hinata and she heard me and Kimari talking about Antarctica, and she wants in. She said she was a high school dropout and she wants to do something before her college entrance exams. She's really short and is a lot like Kimari, but not really? She says these weird things sometimes that are weirdly smart. If Kimari is like you, Hinata's like Maekawa-san.

I wonder if I should be this okay with letting other people onto the plan.

It's so weird, talking this much.

Dear Mom,

Tonight's the night! The three of us are going to the meeting in Kabukicho, and we're going to

We're going to get on the expedition!

I'm not going to hesitate! This is going to happen!!!

Dear Mom,

okay. the plan didn't really turn out so great.

I'm not going to give up though! there has to be something i still haven't tried. and now i have three times the brainpower on my side! i'm not

I'm not giving up.

Maybe someone else will drop out of the sky, right?

Dear Mom,

Her name is Shiraishi Yuzuki.

She's a year younger than us. She's apparently a celebrity? She's kind of quiet, but not shy. I don't know which of your friends she'd be most like.

She was assigned to the expedition as part of her job. To be honest, it made me want to scream. I've been trying to do this for years, and they wanted to send a girl who sang a few songs?

But then she told me I could go in her place.

Mom... the idea of going to Antarctica because someone else didn't want to go probably goes against everything you believe in.

But-!!!

But. But it didn't matter anyways. Her mom stopped everything.

But! But now we have an opportunity! If we can convince Yuzuki to take the job, we can go too!!!

This!!!

This

This probably also goes against everything you believe in.

I know.

I'm sorry. I'm just

I'm getting desperate.

I feel like this is my last chance.

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I'm going to Antarctica.

I'm going to Antarctica.

It isn't just talk.

It's not a mantra.

It's not a magic spell.

I

Dear Mom,

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, FUCKHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mom,

The truth

The truth is, after Yuzuki told her mom, I went home, and I told Grandma. I thought she would be mad. I thought she would immediately forbid me from going. But I looked at her. And I realized she knew all along. And she cried. And I cried.

Dear Mom,

I saw Toudou-san for the first time in a while. She's looking well.

Dear Mom,

Training is hard. But I know it would be harder if I were here alone. How was it for you? Did you mess up when you tried to take coordinates? Did you laugh with your friends when you were supposed to be sleeping?

Dear Mom,

Did you see the sun rise, and did feel something in your chest rise along with it? Did you see someone smile, and thaw you right apart?

Dear Mom,

There was a ceremony at school for Kimari and me. Maybe you would have said something really smart-alecky. I wish I could have. But in the end, I couldn't think of anything clever like that. So I just said the truth. I just repeated what I've been saying for years.

"I'm going."

I hope Kimari didn't feel my hand shake.

Dear Mom,

i went! to karaoke! with friends!!! for the first time ever!!!! it was so fun!!! i'm still full of adrenaline!! i yelled so much!! in front of other people!!!! i am absolutely never doing that again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mom,

I'm going.

Dear Mom,

did you get used to flying? To the way your stomach lifted when the plane took-off? To the stress and bustle of airports and passports?

Dear Mom,

did the beauty of Singapore make your eyes sting?

Dear Mom,

did the portions of Singapore make your stomach ache?

Dear Mom,

did you ever have to make a decision that split yourself in two?

Dear Mom,

did you ever make a single slip so bad it almost caused the world to come to a crashing halt?

Dear Mom,

did you ever doubt yourself? did you doubt the expedition?

Dear Mom,

did you ever make the biggest fool of yourself in front of an audience of strangers, and open your eyes to applause?

Dear Mom,

did you ever suddenly realize you were on the way to the your most distant, ridiculous goal?

Dddfar Mnom,

ohjij my gfuckig god i have nefehgr pukted this mjduuch in my lloife

Dear Mom,

did you

did you ever realize you might be in love with a girl.

Dear Mom,

I probably don't have to ask you if you've ever been in love with a boy. www

Dear Mom,

i'm sorry i never realized. in defense, i just thought all moms just had their best friends half-raise their daughters

www

Dear Mom,

she still loves you.

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I understand why you fell in love with it.

It is almost silent. Almost untouched. Alien and terrifying and beautiful.

I get the title now.

Further than anything and everything we have ever known.

A Place Further Than The Universe.

Dear Mom,

but even in a place further than the universe, we are still human.

Dear Mom,

we still have our fears and doubts

Dear Mom,

our histories lurking, waiting back home

Dear Mom,

"when this is done, will we still be friends?"

"now that it's done, should i forgive them?"

i won't ask you if you ever had to deal with these questions.

these are the questions i dealt with.

the questions we all overcame together.

the questions that can not erase the one that has stood behind me this entire trip, these past few months, these four years

Dear Mom,

"when all is said and done, what will happen when you take the last step?"

Dear Mom,

i could just not

Dear Mom,

i could definitely do that

Dear Mom,

i

Dear Mom,

Four years ago you died. That could have been the end. I could have just tried to move on and become a respectable young woman.

Why didn't I do that? Why did I come all this way for a reminder that my mother died cold and alone?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not good at being respectable. I'm definitely not good at being young.

I just

I just do what I want, I guess.

And I want to be with my friends

And I want to see the things you saw

And I want to understand what you were looking for here.

And I want to find what it was I was looking for here.

This strange, strange here,

where I found countless things, none of which I ever expected

but did not turn away

There's just one last thing

One last unnameable something

I want to find

I want

I

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