*Man* the Lifeboat

The dilemma of the modern salty dog seafarer

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

We had been hit by freak wave, all 10 of us, including Oldsalty Jack the captain. There were 8 men and 2 children in total.

Oldsalty was a true 20th century mariner, he had weathered many a storm and his face certainly reflected this fact. His skin had appearance of a burnt kipper and what would have been mere lines on a landlubber, were in fact crevices on Jack.

We were in serious trouble. Jack and the crew (consisting of one man) had already launched the life raft — it had 4 persons only stamped in large letters across it.

Crew as we called him — with a black T-shirt with CREW in white letters across his chest — stood next to his captain, as if to inspire us with confidence (which he didn’t).

Oldsalty Jack only spoke the best Glaswegian and across the howling wind, yelled:

Men, we hae a wee feckin’ problem. (you may imagine Billy Conolly saying this, if you have trouble with the brogue)

The problem was obvious, 10 bodies needing a life raft, and a raft only accommodating 4.

Rather peevishly, I thought, if Jack was any sort of captain he would not abandon his ship and then only 9 of us would need transport.

We had a spokesperson, Randy. No one elected him as spokesperson he just assumed the role as if there were a vacancy.

Captain I think I have solution. There are two children here and obviously they will go first, myself a transgender male — I will be fully female in 6 months — and 1 other adult male. You can draw straws for that.

Randy in his brilliance (or what used to be called enlightened self interest) was calling on the old, “ women and children first” rule.

Oldsalty Jack would have none of it:

Ye ur badly informed in th’ 21st century sic’ feckin’ rules nae apply. It’s every cheil, hen an’ bairn fur themselves. It will be me, crew an’ th’ tae bairns in th’ life raft.

I had to admit this was unexpected, Jack, crew and the 2 children to be first away and it was brutally clear as the boat listed hard, they would be the only ones leaving this boat — if the captain had his way.

A mutiny was in order.

Before we could form a scrum to overpower Jack and crew, a coast guard chopper appeared above us. We all relaxed a little.

Our intrepid captain changed tack:

Help has arrived th’ order ay evacuation will be, bairns, Randy an’ lae ay ye followed by crew an’ me lest aff.

On my chopper ride back I couldn’t stop thinking about how the age of chivalry was dead and how even an old sailor like Jack had succumbed to the eclectic, every citizen is equal, mind set of the 21st century.

Note : English to Glaswegian translation