Welp, we ranked all the jokes in Airplane! from best to worst.

We didn’t rank the jokes on the poster.

Why?

Not sure. Next question.

How?

We all sat down and watched Airplane!. We input every joke into a Google Excel Sheet, gave each joke a score from 1–10 (whole numbers only), set the document to automatically average the score for each joke, and, after the movie was over, we sorted the jokes from highest to lowest average score.

Who?

There were seven of us, all of whose careers are more-or-less involved in comedy writing and filmmaking. None of whom have made anything nearly as good as Airplane!. Here’s all of us (in the order of the average joke score we gave) if you want to Google the people with the unmitigated gall to judge Airplane!:

Jason Gudasz — Average score 6.72, gave twenty-five 10s and zero 1s.

— Average score 6.72, gave twenty-five 10s and zero 1s. Ben BenAry — Average score 6.71, gave twenty-eight 10s and seven 1s.

— Average score 6.71, gave twenty-eight 10s and seven 1s. Alex Kavutskiy (that’s me, the author of this article) — Average score 6.26, gave twenty-five 10s and two 1s.

(that’s me, the author of this article) — Average score 6.26, gave twenty-five 10s and two 1s. Nichole Bagby — Average score 6.14, gave ten 10s and one 1.

— Average score 6.14, gave ten 10s and one 1. Ariel Gardner — Average score 5 (the most balanced judge), gave three 10s and nine 1s.

— Average score 5 (the most balanced judge), gave three 10s and nine 1s. Rebecca Hoobler — Average score 4.65, gave five 10s and forty-three 1s.

— Average score 4.65, gave five 10s and forty-three 1s. Brady Novak — Average score 4.24, gave two 10s and thirteen 1s.

Some of the characters from the funny movie Airplane!.

Things to keep in mind while reading this list:

Our sample size was way too small. I’d love it if someone redid this study but with ten times as many people.

We all love Airplane!. So if you’re redoing this study (not sure why you would), please find some people that hate it and some people that have never seen it.

We had to make tough calls on when to rate jokes individually or as part of a larger joke. And we probably made some wrong decisions. Sorry.

We rated each joke only in reference to other Airplane! jokes. Airplane! threes and fours are probably equivalent to most other movies’ nines and tens.

There may have been a slight bias towards jokes near the beginning of the movie. If the other judges were anything like me, they also panicked that they were giving out too many high scores and tried to be “more objective” as the movie went on.

Since we only gave whole number scores, there were a lot of ties. In case of a tie, the author of this article took it upon himself to sort the tied jokes in any order that he felt in the moment of typing up the list. He felt that he earned that right since he put in many hours making this list and no one else has editing privilege.

Okay, here we go:

178. “EL NO A YOU SMOKO/PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ”. (1.57)

Mathematically tied for the worst joke in Airplane!

I guess something had to be the lowest ranked joke in Airplane! and it might as well have been one of the gags with the lighted warning signs.

177. Kramer: “Alright, I’ll need three men up in the tower. You, Neubauer. You, Macias — ” Johnny: “Me John! Big Tree.” (1.57)

Also tied for worst joke, coming from Johnny, one of the funniest characters in Airplane!. I think what happened was it was just too many jokes in a row in that scene and a lot of hitters from Johnny personally and this one just didn’t land as well.

176. Jesus Dashboard Statue has a little umbrella when it’s raining. (2)

175. Ted: “I guess the foot’s on the other hand now, isn’t it, Kramer?” (2)

Robert Hays trying to figure out why this is tied for the third worst joke in the movie.

174. Ted: “It’s a damn good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts.” Elaine, into radio: “It’s a damn good thing you don’t know how much he hates your guts.” (2.43)

173. “GOBACKEN SIDONNA” (2.57)

Sixth worst joke also this gag.

172. McCroskey: “I want the best available man on this, a man who knows that plane inside and out and won’t crack under pressure.” Johnny: “What about Mr. Rogers?” (2.57)

171. Sick woman passenger: “I haven’t felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film!” (2.57)

When the movie was being made, Ronald Reagan was the governor but not yet the president.

170. McCroskey: “Your husband and the others are alive, just unconscious.” Johnny: “Just like Gerald Ford.” (2.71)

Statistically, just a slightly better joke than the Ronald Reagan one.

169. Psychiatric hospital has pentathol available/takes major credit cards/doctors wear STP insignias. (2.71)

168. During the landing climax, there’s an old timey firetruck with dalmatian there. (2.71)

Would it have been funnier with a hundred more dalmatians?

167. Dr. Rumack, regarding everyone getting sick on the plane: “I haven’t seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.” (2.86)

166. Kramer: “Gunderson, check the radar range. Anything yet?” Gunderson (checks oven): “It’s about two more minutes, chief.” (2.86)

Not a joke, but we all took great delight in seeing Gunderson played by Jonathan Banks (Mike from Breaking Bad).

165. That little dashboard Jesus covers his face when he realizes Ted’s their only hope. (3)

Did better than the other Jesus statue joke but not by much.

164. Zealot: “Hello, we’d like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you like to make a donation?” Hare Krishna: “No thanks, we gave at the office.” (3)

163. Ted: “It’s running a little hot.” (3.14)

This joke is approximately as funny as pi.

162. The dramatic lightning and thunder cues in cockpit. (3.29)

161. Kramer: “Standby, Striker. We’re going to the tower, good luck.” Johnny: “The tower, the tower! Rapunzel, Rapunzel!” (3.29)

160. No Sex Warning Sign (3.43)

The best joke of this runner is just the 161st best joke in the movie.

159. Randy, to woman about her husband being sick: “Oh, it’s nothing to be alarmed about.” then makes face like it IS something to be alarmed about. (3.43)

The kid actor playing Joey does fine work in this scene playing with the toy plane Captain Oveur gave him.

158. McCroskey: “Mayday?! What the hell is that?” Johnny: “Mayday? Why, that’s the Russian new year. We’ll have a big parade, we’ll serve hot hors d’oeuvres…” (3.43)

157. Dr. Rumack grows a Pinocchio nose telling the passengers everything will be fine. (3.57)

This author’s personally least favorite joke in Airplane!.

156. Passenger removes fake arm and fake leg at airport security. (3.57)

155. Ted: “Let’s see. Altitude 24,000 feet. Level flight. Speed 520 knots. Course, zero niner zero. Trim and mixture: wash, soak, rinse, spin…” (3.71)

154. Kramer: “That’s impossible! They’re on instruments!” (3.71)

General reaction to this joke: “Alright, fine.”

153. There’s actual jars of mayo at the Mayo Clinic. (3.71)

152. Male passenger: “I’ll turn on some air.” He turns on the air and a strong gust of wind blows through the cabin. (3.71)

Maybe this joke would’ve done better if that guy’s beard had blown off as they originally intended.

151. Ted: “I know, I know!” Elaine, repeating: “He knows, he knows!” (3.86)

150. A strange visual gag where a spear hits the wall and a watermelon drops on a table, matching with McCroskey’s and Kramer’s hand gestures. (3.86)

“So help me you’ll have to talk him right down to the ground.”

149. Ambulance, firetruck, and a police car are followed by a baggage truck, fuel truck, a taxi,

a Coke truck, an ice cream truck, a cement mixer, and a tractor. (4)

148. Zealot: “Hello, we’d like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you like to make a donation?” Elaine, keeping flower: “No, thank you anyway.” (4)

Best Julie Hagerty performance until Freddy Got Fingered.

147. The life preserver is an inflatable ducky. (4)

Off-screen, a passenger says, “it’s that cute?”

146. Ted, after Elaine tells him off, to camera: “What a pisser.” (4.14)

The wall behind him is actually the color of piss (not factored into the score of the joke).

145. The nun performing ‘Respect’. (4.14)

144. The appearance of the female autopilot and Otto winks. (4.14)

The last joke pre-credits.

143. McCroskey orders Siamese twins to go into opposite directions and they can’t. (4.29)

What are Stan and Terry supposed to do?

142. The airplane taking out the disco radio station after it proclaims that disco will live forever. (4.29)

RIP WZAZ

141. Dr. Rumack’s “Win one for the Zipper” speech. (4.29)

140. The ‘Jaws’ parody intro. (4.29)

First joke of the movie!

139. It seems like Brandy is going to ask the nun to pray for the sick girl but instead asks to borrow her guitar. (4.43)

138. Brandy accidentally hits a bunch of passengers over the head with the guitar as she walks to the front. (4.43)

Interestingly enough, nobody gave these back-to-back jokes the same score and they still got the exact same average.

137. Captain Oveur, while on the phone with the Mayo Clinic, receives a call from Mr. Hamm on line 5: “Alright, give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.” (4.43)

Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo. Good joke, good job everyone.

136. McCroskey: “It sure is quiet out there.” Kramer: “Yeah, too quiet.” (4.43)

135. Ted: “Thank you, Randy. You’d better leave, sweetheart. You might get hurt up here.” Randy leaves the cockpit and we hear a bunch of silly sound effects implying she tripped and got hurt. (4.43)

134. The live heart for the transplant at the Mayo clinic is bouncing on the desk. (4.43)

Featuring joke #153 in the background.

133. Air traffic control guys are playing a basketball video game on their screens. (4.57)

132. There’s a vulture in the cockpit when it seems like they’re doomed. (4.57)

Uh that’s not a good sign.

131. Dr. Rumack: “Now, is there anyone on board who can land this plane?” Cut to Ted pouring drink on his face. Cut back to Elaine: “Well no, no one I know of.” (4.57)

130. Ted pulls up on the curb at the airport. (4.57)

129. Ted and Elaine are covered in seaweed and splashed by a wave in the non-romantic version of the “From Here to Eternity” beach scene. (4.57)

Way funnier than “From Here to Eternity”

128. Ted and Elaine’s kiss at the end is way too long. (4.71)

127. Kramer: “Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field.” Cut to a dump truck pouring a bunch of lights onto the field. (4.71)

I bet he COULD get more lights but, yeah okay, the joke works.

126. Ted sweating too much. (4.71)

Robert Hays sweating that this joke didn’t even crack the top 125.

125. The “Oh stewardess, I speak jive” scene. (4.71)

The lowest rated of all the most famous Airplane! jokes.

Edit: What our panel didn’t know is that the woman is played by Barbara Billingsley, who played June Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver.

124. Ted gets out of his jacket when the guy at the airport holds onto it, asking for a donation. (4.86)

123. McCroskey: “Ease off, Rex, he hasn’t flown for years. It’s not his fault. It could happen to any pilot.”

Johnny : “It happened to Barbara Stanwyck.” (4.86)

122. Literal shit hits a literal fan. (4.86)

Gross.

121. Air traffic control guy doing laundry in the background. (4.86)

Hey look, it’s Jonathan Banks again. This is also the moment where he says joke #49.

120. They’re dragging the passed out pilot and co-pilots through the cabin, past all the passengers. (4.86)

119. McCroskey, on phone to wife: “I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog fed, the yard watered, and the gate locked. And get a note to the milkman… no more cheese!” (4.86)

118. Elaine re-inflates the autopilot. (4.86)

That look though.

117. Ted pulls out the red handle. (5)

116. Ted asks for a smoking ticket and his ticket is literally smoking. (5)

I’m glad this joke averaged out to an exact 5. It’s the quintessential Airplane! “yup, that’s a joke” joke.

115. Charles Dickens’s credit. (5)

It’s true.

114. Looking at a newspaper: McCroskey: “Passengers certain to die!” Kramer: “Airline negligent!” Johnny: “There’s a sale at Penny’s!” (5)

113. Johnny playing with the phones: “Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto, it’s a twister, it’s a twister!” (5.14)

Pretty sure this is the only major character in the movie who doesn’t have a line of dialogue that isn’t a joke.

112. There’s too many controls on the plane. (5.14)

111. Ted: “Surely, there must be something you can do.” Dr. Rumack: “I’m doing everything I can. And stop calling me Shirley.” (5.14)

This is the callback.

110. Japanese passenger listening to Ted’s long story commits seppuku. (5.14)

Featuring legendary character actor James Hong.

109. The appearance of the automatic pilot. (5.14)

108. During turbulence, Randy slips and hits a passenger in the face with a plate of food. (5.14)

If anyone makes this into a gif, I’ll gladly replace this image with it.

107. Dr. Rumack: “Elaine, you’re a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?” Elaine: “No.” And Dr. Rumack keeps talking anyway. (5.14)

106. Jive passengers order dinner from Elaine. (5.14)

Surprisingly, got a slightly higher rating than the later jive scene with the old lady.

105. During the “Saturday Night Fever” sequence, Ted throws his hat and it gets thrown back/Later, ted throws his jacket and it gets thrown back. (5.14)

Also wouldn’t mind gifs of these to add to this article if anyone can make them, please.

104. The stripper, in the seedy bar with the sultry trombone music, is actually the one playing the trombone. (5.29)

The camera tilts up from her feet. You thought she was stripping but she’s actually a very talented musician.

103. Ted punches the religious zealot at the airport. (5.29)

102. The red zone/white zone/abortion PA argument. (5.29)

101. Referee introduces all the different airport officials. (5.43)

They got a ref to introduce all these characters we’ll never see again (although one is about to be featured in joke #25).

100. Elaine: “Would you like something to read?” Old woman: “Do you have anything light?” Elaine: “Uh how about this leaflet, Famous Jewish Sports Legends?” (5.43)

99. McCroskey, handing Johnny a piece of paper: “Johnny, what can you make out of this?” Johnny: “This? Why I could make a hat or a broach or a pterodactyl — ” (5.43)

Also, the way Johnny is typing right before and after his line is as funny as the joke.

98. During the climactic landing, the airport PA keeps changing the arriving terminal and the waiting passengers have to keep running to the next one. (5.43)

97. Silly sound effects during the “Saturday Night Fever” sequence. (5.57)

Bziiiiiiiiiing!

96. Johnny: “Nick, Heath, Jarrod, there’s a fire in the barn!” (5.57)

95. Captain Oveur’s wife keeps rubbing Rex Kramer during the landing. (5.57)

Rex Kramer’s a step up from a horse I guess.

94. Rex Kramer’s sunglasses under sunglasses. (5.57)

lol

93. During turbulence: jello jiggles, boobs jiggle, woman smears her make-up. (5.57)

SFW

92. Murdock: “Do you want me to check the weather, Clarence?” Oveur: “No, why don’t you take care of it?” (5.71)

Note: 5.71 is the median score of the data. All the jokes rated 5.71 (#86–#92) are mathematically the most average jokes of the movie. This might be due to confirmation bias but it seems like the seven “most average” jokes represent every type of humor in the movie.

91. At the end, the ambulance crashes after driving off with some passengers in it. (5.71)

90. The first jive conversation. (5.71)

“Don’t be naive, Arthur. Each of us faces a clear moral choice.”

89. Girl scout fight in the “Saturday Night Fever” sequence. (5.71)

I think we all gave it higher scores for how long it goes on for.

88. Old woman describes Elaine’s darling figure. (5.71)

“Supple pouting breasts. Firm thighs. It’s a shame you two don’t get along.”

87. Kramer: “Flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle. Just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. (5.71)

86. The “Clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. Vector, Victor” scene. (5.71)

“What? Huh? Who?”

85. A passenger douses himself in gasoline wanting to kill himself during Ted’s long story. Then accidentally does after Ted goes to the cockpit. (6)

One of those pre-9/11 jokes.

84. Prudish woman says no whiskey and then does a line of coke. (6)

“Certainly not!”

83. Runner of Ted’s cab passenger still waiting the whole movie. (6)

The last joke of the movie is him still waiting after the credits. “Well, I’ll give him another twenty minutes, but that’s it!”

82. Ridiculous backgrounds behind Kramer’s driving. (6).

Featuring joke #24.

81. Woman passenger voice over: “Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.” (6)

Apparently a parody of an old commercial but even funnier if it’s just out of nowhere.

80. Ice cream cone instead of microphone. (6)

Featuring joke #34.

79. McCroskey’s “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit ______” runner (6).

Looks like we probably should’ve gotten scores on each of these jokes individually.

78. The woman who smeared some make-up earlier smears way more make-up in later turbulence. (6.14)

What did she need all that for anyway?

77. Woman passenger voice over: “Jim never vomits at home.” (6.14)

The callback scored slightly higher than the original. Who are we to criticize the writing of Airplane! but our group did agree it would’ve been funnier if the line was “Jim never vomits a second time at home”, since he does vomit twice in the scene.

76. Randy: “Excuse me, sir, there’s been a little problem in the cockpit.” Ted: “The cockpit? What is it?” Randy: “It’s the little room at the front of the plane where the pilots sit. But that’s not important right now.” (6.14)

The lowest rated joke of this runner.

75. Elaine, asking over PA: “By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?” and the pandemonium and sword fighting that ensues. (6.14)

NSFW

74. Among the newspaper headlines about the plane, this headline appears: (6.14)

Until making this list, the author has never noticed “Meteorite lands near baby”

73. Captain Oveur examines the “Whacking Material” in the magazine stand and picks “Modern Sperm”. (6.29)

Pretty sure there’s other jokes in this frame we’re missing. Is ‘Hairdo’ a real magazine?

72. The first time we see the very mature boy reading a serious magazine and checking out the girl passenger. (6.29)

Business outlook, Carter strategy, temper of congress, more tax cuts, war on inflation, labor’s goals, good magazine.

71. At the end, the autopilot takes off in wheel-less plane by himself. (6.29)

70. Shep the dog attacking Paul at Kramer’s house and no one helps him. (6.43)

“Shep, no!”

69. Elaine explaining Tupperware to the tribal people. (6.43)

“…to help stretch your food dollar.”

68. The girl scout flying into the jukebox starting ‘Stayin’ Alive’ and how quickly the seedy bar turns into a disco club. (6.43)

67. Unlocking the autopilot causes him to fly around the cockpit and grab Elaine’s chest. (6.57)

Oh, Otto.

66. Randy, as the passengers are going down the emergency chute: “Have a nice day! Thanks for flying TransAmerican.” (6.57)

65. Johnny, to the concerned Mrs. Oveur: “Where did you get that dress? It’s awful! And those shoes and that coat… geeeeez!” (6.57)

Geeeeeeez.

64. Ted teaching the tribal leader Western handshakes. (6.57)

Then he slaps the tribal leader’s hands and gets punched.

63. Kramer throws his cigarette out the window of the airport and it causes an explosion outside. (6.57)

And even funnier, McCroskey anticipates the explosion.

62. Air Israel (6.57)

C’mon

61. Mrs. Oveur is having an affair with a horse. (6.71)

“There’s juice in the refrigerator.”

60. Controller, on the phone: “He’s a menace to himself and everything else in the air… yes, birds too.” (6.71)

59. A ground crewman point another towards the forklift with his flashlights, causing a plane to crash into a terminal. (6.71)

Until now, the author has never noticed the woman throwing her baby during this.

58. The people are on the baggage claim with the baggage waiting for them. (6.86)

That must’ve been moderately fun to shoot for the actors involved.

57. When getting ready to take-off, a window washer washes the plane and falls off/Service man charges Captain Oveur. (6.86)

Cameo from Jimmie Walker Jr.

56. Randy to passengers: “Alright everybody, get into crash positions!” The passengers get out of their seats and position themselves as if the plane already crashed. (6.86)

But that’s even more dangerous if the plane crashes!

55. PTSD patient thinking he’s Ethel Merman is played by Ethel Merman. (6.86)

“You’ll be swell! You’ll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate! Starting here! Starting now! Honey, everything’s coming up… roses…”

54. All the “Saturday Night Fever” dancing. (6.86)

Good sequence.

53. Ted’s echoey voice-over: “I’ve got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate… Hello, hello, hello… Echo, echo, echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota, Mota, Mota…” (7)

52. Ted: “Because of my mistake, six men didn’t return from that raid.” Elaine: “Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.” (7)

51. During her song, Randy’s guitar knocks out the little girl’s oxygen tube. (7)

Whoops.

50. When they pull the unconscious Kareem Abdul-Jabbar out of the co-pilot seat, he’s in his basketball gear. (7.14)

Also, earlier in the movie, during the Turkish prison joke, Joey finds a basketball in the cockpit. We didn’t even register it as a joke so we didn’t rate it and I’ll just group it as part of this joke.

49. Gunderson: “He’s all over the place! 900 feet, up to 1300 feet. What an asshole!” (7.14)

48. Subject of painting: “Hey Striker, how about a break? I’m getting tired.” (7.14)

“Yeah, alright, take five.”

47. Kramer: “Our only hope is to build this man up. I’ve got to give him all the confidence I can. Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?” Ted: “No, never.” Kramer, thinking radio is off: “Shit! This is a goddamn waste of time. There’s no way he can land that plane.” (7.14)

46. The man Elaine is dancing with gets stabbed in the back. While he struggles to reach for the knife, Elaine mimics his moves, thinking it’s a dance. (7.14)

Just imagine this is a gif.

45. Ted: “And that as much as anything, led to my drinking problem.” (7.14)

See, the problem is he’s literally having trouble drinking.

44. Ted: “Surely, you can’t be serious.” Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” (7.14)

Welp, there you have it. The most famous Airplane! joke lands comfortably in the 40s.

43. Kramer steps through the mirror. (7.14)

In one shot, it’s an actual mirror. Then when they cut back, that’s just another room, Kramer says, “alright, let’s get out of here”, steps through what looks like a mirror, and gets outta there.

42. Dr. Rumack: “What was it we had for dinner tonight?” Elaine: “Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.” Dr. Rumack: “Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.” (7.14)

41. Tribal news report. (7.14)

lol when he looks in the other camera

40. Ted: “My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the North, below their radar.” Elaine: “When will you be back?” Ted: “I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.” (7.29)

39. The in-flight movie shows a plane crash. (7.29)

Nobody needs to watch that right now.

38. Reporter: “Alright boys, let’s take some pictures.” And then they literally take pictures off the wall. (7.29.)

37. McCroskey: “Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.” Johnny: “And Leon’s getting laaarger!” (7.29)

And Leon’s getting laaarger!

36. Ted’s long story causes the old woman to kill herself by hanging. (7.43)

The highest ranking joke of this runner.

35. After Randy confides in Dr. Rumack that she’s scared and is still unmarried at 26, a female passenger tells them she’s scared but at least she has a husband. (7.43)

34. Reporter: “What kind of plane is it?” Johnny: “Oh, it’s a big, pretty, white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window, and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol.” (7.43)

33. Ted: “I had to ask the guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.” (7.43)

Perfect place to cut off a gif. Good job, whoever made it.

32. Kramer beats up the solicitors at the airport. (7.57)

31. Boys’ Life/Nuns’ Life (7.57)

That’s not a real magazine.

30. Elaine: “You got a telegram from headquarters today.” Ted: “Headquarters? What is it?” Elaine: “Well, it’s a big building where generals meet but that’s not important right now.” (7.57)

29. Old lady: “Nervous?” Ted: “Yes.” Old lady: “First time?” Ted: “No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.” (7.57)

28. Captain Oveur: “Joey, have you ever been in a… in a Turkish Prison?” (7.57)

This is the callback.

27. When Ted recalls crashing while flying the war, he also recalls old-timey plane crashes. (7.57)

That’s not his memory.

26. During the climax, Johnny unplugs the runway light. (7.57)

“Just kidding.”

25. Kramer: “Get that finger out of your ear!” (7.57)

“You don’t know where that finger’s been!”

Overthinking this joke, he did just shake Rex Kramer’s hand so it might be a joke about where Rex Kramer’s hand has been.

24. Kramer, talking into phone: “No, we can’t do that. The risk of a flame-out is too high. Keep them at 24,000… no, feet.” (7.71)

23. McCroskey stands in front of a picture of himself. (7.71)

Also where the “wrong week to quit” runner starts.

22. Host of Counterpoint: “They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into, I say… let ’em crash!” (7.71)

21. Everyone peaking in to the song Randy is about to play and smiling. (7.86)

Including the flight engineer smiling right at the camera.

20. The “Good luck. We’re all counting on you.” runner. (7.86)

Not factored in: the callback to this during Scary Movie 3.

19. Soldier saying good-bye to his girl as the plane takes off, as if he’s leaving on a train. (8)

And the old-timey conductor and his watch being broken and her knocking over posts as she runs along the plane.

18. Dr. Rumack: “This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.” Elaine: “A hospital? What is it?” Dr. Rumack: “It’s a big building with patients but that’s not important right now.” (8)

The highest ranking joke from this runner.

17. Captain Oveur goes through the symptoms of the virus. (8)

Good physical comedy, good job.

16. McCruskey giving out orders: “Johnny, how about some coffee?” Johnny: “No thanks!” (8.14)

This is the introduction of the Johnny character and the score includes the callback later.

15. Dr. Rumack takes eggs out of the sick woman’s mouth. (8.14)

This scene could’ve gone on twice as long.

14. McCroskey: “He’s coming right at us!” (8.14)

Pretty sure that’s the last time we see McCroskey.

13. The PA at the airport calls for Captain Oveur to pick up the white courtesy phone. When he picks up the red one, she says (through the phone), “No, the white one.” (8.29)

And then the PA calls for him to get the white courtesy phone again and he yells back “I’ve got it!”, to which she somehow hears him and replies, “thank you.”

12. Dr. Rumack: “What the hell’s going on up there?!” (8.43)

He’s doing WHAT on a plane?!

11. Not realizing Ted and Elaine have left the cockpit, Kramer continues talking into the radio for a while: “Christmas Ted, what does that mean to you? It was a living hell. Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked… in the head… with an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that’s a dumb question… skip that.” (8.57)

10. Ted: “It’s an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.” Dr. Rumack and Randy: “It’s an entirely different kind of flying.” (8.57)

They thought when he said “altogether”, that he meant for them to say it together. And they do!

9. Ted tries to teach the African tribe basketball but they’re already amazing at it. (8.71)

The slow-motion double slam dunk.

8. The “You’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar scene!” (8.86)

Who’s a better actor, Kareem or Joey?

7. All the reporters run into the phone booths at once and they all fall over. (9)

What do you want? It’s funny.

6. Elaine: “Sir, excuse me, sir. I’m sorry I have to wake you. Are you a doctor?” Dr. Rumack, wearing a stethoscope: “That’s right.” (9)

The first time we see Dr. Rumack.

5. Everyone lining up to calm the female passenger down. (9)

Dr. Rumack’s second slap though.

4. The “I take it black… like my men” scene. (9.14)

Oddly enough, these four stills with some subtitles doesn’t do the pacing of this scene justice.

3. The “have you ever seen a grown man naked?” scene. (9.14)

“Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”

Keep in mind, this scene also contains the “you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar” scene (ranked #8) and the “no, why don’t you take care of it?” joke (ranked #92).

2. Controller: “Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now.” Kramer: “No… that’s just what they’ll be expecting us to do.” (9.14)

This is the author’s personal favorite Airplane! joke.

1. The “you can tell me, I’m a doctor” exchange. (9.29)

How are you gonna argue math? This is mathematically the best joke in Airplane!.

We knew going into this that whatever joke ranked at number one would be controversial. When we tallied up the scores, we were all surprised this got the top slot because no one expected it but we were also not surprised because we all gave it high scores (four 10s, two 9s, and a 7). Maybe in the context of reading a list ranking Airplane! jokes, there’s a lot of pressure for what’s number one but in the context of watching the movie and this scene happening, it’s really funny and you give it a high score (assuming, of course, you’re being forced to score each joke as you watch). And the long pause Leslie Nielsen takes before asking, “you can’t take a guess for another two hours?”… so good.

That’s it.

That’s the list. What did you expect? The end.

If you loved this you might also like more bullshit.ist writing:

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App Ideas I Had While Very High — by Marian Paglia

The Right Way to Eat Chipotle — by David E.J. Berger