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The state of permanent financial crises, a $20 Daiquiri, an angry millennial really doesn’t want to buy a hammer, gambling with your taxes, more parental kidnappings, the future is broke, 80s Girl’s tools, returning a wallet, stabbing your mouth, Dame Pesos screws up his sound effects, Null and state-owned fetuses, how to stop people from talking to you while you’re going into the bathroom, Road Rage: Las Vegas, and all the Iranian lives I have saved; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The invoices are in, the chips have been cashed, the Jello and the showgirls are jiggling! Road Rage: Las Vegas is over and the audio is being mixed as we speak. I hope to have total coverage of the event posted tomorrow. Thank you to Elay Arson, Billboard charting artist and producer for opening the show. Thank you to Bobby Schmidt for making it happen, and thank you to everyone who came. We had a fantastic time with high-energy group of mavericks, renegades, and patriots. I can’t wait for the next one. But first…

You haven’t lived until you’ve remodeled the kitchen in your second house.

It’s been the highest aspiration of man since he first discovered predatory lending practices, arguably the birth of civilization as we know it. It just had never been put into words until the Boomers discovered it: remodeling the kitchen of your second house. Perfection.

Why go to the moon? Did we run out of houses to own two of on Earth? Don’t be stupid.

Gambling is illegal just like violence is illegal, because it’s too much fun–and because the government maintains a monopoly on it which is essential to its own existence. Do you need a fix? Why not try your luck with this 30, 60, or 10,000 year mortgage? You never know when rates are going up again, but you know they are. And not because of market forces, or anything that can be consciously or subconsciously “gamed” through a process of awareness and statistics and gut-feeling. No, these odds are subject to the pink-noise pure randomness of incompetents.

Can you feel the crisis yet?

Or how about take a spin on this college degree? Don’t worry about how much it costs. Just look at the glitz and glamour that could be yours; the lifestyle–the second home! You’ll be remodeling that kitchen in no time. Forget whores. Those are illegal. Women are a threat to democracy.

Spin the wheel of debt, or be left behind. Embrace the gambler’s fallacy, or be left behind. And if the FOMO doesn’t compel you, remember…it’s the law. And social security will be fucked by the time you get there. Or maybe it won’t be? It’s a gamble! It is the perma-edged and endlessly jelqed crisis of the labor of the entire world, teased by an artificial system of near misses and impending panics that keeps fortune forever out of reach and turns dreams into compromises.

The right education will change your life. The right vote will change your life. The right kitchen remodel will change your life. Just spin the debt wheel! Or else you’re fucked.

“The Mysterious Woman” by Savestate Corrupted.



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“The Bathers” by Cartyoun.



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