When I could not find a married woman to sleep with I tried to create drama for myself by going out with women who had boyfriends or with whom I worked. The discretion these situations required felt very much like an affair. Sometimes when none of these conditions prevailed, I would tell the woman I was seeing not to let anyone know we were dating. I would tell her I preferred people not knowing my business, while in reality I just liked secrets. I am not sure when I decided that the loneliness of going out with married women, the sense of being invisible that I experienced when I met their husbands and the sense of not being able to plan my schedule because I was always waiting for small windows of availability all became too much.