I want you to ignore, for the moment, that there are people looking for free legal advice on Reddit, and instead put your issue-spotter caps on. A poster on Reddit asks: “What are the steps I need to take to protect myself?” after he was informed that a sexual harassment “complaint/investigation” had been launched into his behavior.

The OP says the investigation stems from a June incident at a conference he was attending as a “director of operations” for his company. He says that in or around the hotel pool, he began chatting with a woman, who was not affiliated with his company, merely another guest at the hotel. His version of the incident is this:

I was getting pretty drunk and she brought up her husband. I asked “oh you’re married?” And she said yes and that she has three kids. I told her that with a body like hers, I’m surprised she doesn’t have 10 because I sure would give her 10 and I laughed. She smiled and sometime later she got out of the pool and I said “my oh my, your husband is a lucky man.” I didn’t see her again and I got the vibe that she felt uncomfortable. I was a little drunk and would not have said any of that while being sober. Apparently she found out the name of my company and complained to the hotel who then joined her in complaining to my company. We are also banned from the hotel for life.

We are unfortunately deprived of her version of events. But there are some, umm, “red flags” that this incident crossed some imperceptible-yet-tangible line of basically inappropriate behavior. Here’s what I noticed, feel free to add more.

When people bring up their spouses and kids, and it seems like a non-sequitur to you, because you are “pretty drunk,” it’s a good time to pack it in for the night. “Oh, you’re married????” is your mouth’s way of telling your brain, “Please take us to bed before we get into any more trouble.”

Any version of the “I’m going to put a baby inside of you” line, is grounds for immediate punting into the Sun.

What the hell did you say during the “sometime later” part of your story? You said something, you sloppy creep.

She’s, like, giving up her right to have an evening at the pool, it seems almost entirely because of your behavior, and you’ve got to get in a parting shot? Eff you, dude.

You got a “vibe” that she was uncomfortable? When filtered through your admittedly drunk state, I’m interpreting that to mean she basically said, “YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE,” or something similar.

Wait… what? You, and your company, got BANNED FOR LIFE from the hotel? Bruh? That doesn’t just “happen” unless you’re a member of The Who. There is CLEARLY something you are not telling us, and I’m SURE this woman you harassed knows about it.

In any event, now that HR is investigating him, he wants some advice:

I would like to know how I can get out of this with no blood on my hands. I make $125, 000 a year and cannot afford to lose my job and career. It was everything for me to get this position. I also have a family. My wife cannot know about this… please provide, in vivid detail, the steps that I need to take starting right now.

I mean, I don’t have much for Mr. I Drive A Dodge Stratus here, so let’s see what the Reddit people had to say:

Let me illuminate to you the precarious situation in which you have placed yourself. The investigator sounds like the one they call when things go wrong, and things have indeed gone wrong. Thus far you have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of your employer’s patience. The decision to terminate you has likely already been made. The interview tomorrow is likely to determine whether the company thinks they can withhold your severance package or not. The interview and investigation process is not a court of law, and if your employer is unwilling to continue employing you, they don’t need proof.

OP did not take kindly to the suggestion that they didn’t need “proof” of his bad conduct. Clearly he’s been watching Law & Order SVU for practice tips. He responded:

What happens if and when I deny this? Let me get better advice. The investigator is going to interview me in the morning. How do I handle that? I heard bad things about his interviews. What type of proof could they possibly have?… They need proof that the employee they complained about is me to begin with and proof that it occurred otherwise I’m suing for wrongful termination. What if this was a false accusation? I’m certainly going to act like it is. I have too much to lose.

This is infuriating. It’s just laid so bare. His demands for “proof” are nothing more than his stringent desire to be in a position to call the woman who he harassed — the woman who he knows he harassed and is admitting he harassed — a liar. That’s ALL he’s looking for. When he talks about “proof” he’s wondering if there is video surveillance of the pool, and if his employer or the investigator could have gotten it from the hotel. He wants to get her into a he said/she said, because that’s a battle he thinks he can win, even though he knows he’s full of s**t.

He’s not really asking how they can prove he did it, he’s asking how they can prove she’s telling the truth. That he will lie about the incident, and her “recollection” of the incident, is an established reality in his mind. “I have too much to lose.”

More from the OP:

The fact that ANY company would fire someone over allegations that have NOTHING to do with the company, its employees or the performance of the accused, is ludicrous. I make $125k a year as a DIRECTOR. I can’t lose this position and salary nor my marriage.

He can’t believe that it’s legally acceptable for the company to believe the woman. HE’S A DIRECTOR! How can this happen to him?

There’s more. And this is the point where I start to think that the post is maybe some troll-bro.

My boss (VP of operations) is a bit paranoid because I notified him 2 days after the incident and because I’m the best director he has ever had and I perform exceptionally well, he decided to sweep this under the rug and pretty much ignore it. I would never throw him under the bus so I will not mention that I told him.

If true, the boss has every reason to be worried. Because a guy like this does not take the fall for the whole organization. Remember, somehow the whole company got banned from the hotel for life, according to OP’s story. Any serious investigation into the matter would probably catch more than the guy who, no offense, ONLY MAKES $125K. A $125K employee is not a big enough scalp. Again, no offense, to the guy, who thinks making $125K makes him too big to fail…

But, my skepticism antennae also go up, because the sneaky boss cover-up is so on the nose. Isn’t that a thing? The story fits the narrative so well it makes me question its veracity, even though the narrative is the narrative because that’s how it always goes down.

The last comment I saw from OP was this:

I should be given the benefit of the doubt.

Nahh, brother, you do not deserve the “benefit of the doubt.” None of us do. In fact, your entire theory of how to get out of this is precisely why men cannot be allowed the benefit of the doubt anymore.

When I say that “I believe women,” I’m not saying that I believe any old story. I’m not saying that I believe people, uncritically. And, in a court of law, the accused is still innocent until proven guilty and has a right to defend himself.

But the benefit of the doubt now rests with women. I believe women, because I know guys like the OP exists.

My boss just informed me that, in the morning, HR will present me with a sexual harassment complaint/investigation against me. What are the steps I need to take to protect myself? [Reddit]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.