I don’t own a gun, and I probably never will. Every freaking serious study of the issue tells me that owning a gun puts my family at greater risk of gun violence, not less. Every freaking serious study of the issue tells me that guns do not stop crime. The “good guy with a gun” thing is, statistically, a myth. Anybody who tells you different is trying to sell you something, usually a gun, or a corporate tax break disguised in Second Amendment hoopla.

But I say “probably never” because I leave open the possibility of scientific confirmation of… zombies. Or an imminent alien invasion. Or some other end-of-the-world type natural disaster apocalypse that will herald a post-society future. On that dark day, I might buy… well, “loot,” a gun store. I know where they are in my area. Believe that me and my friends will throw a brick through your gun store window before we hit up the Gristedes, not after.

My only reference point for surviving post-apocalyptic America is from movies, television, and video games. And my study of those sources tells me that everybody has a gun and the ones who don’t are either eaten, enslaved, or raped. I do not know if these stories should be taken as truth, but I know that the New England Journal Of Medicine has not researched the issue to my statistical satisfaction.

Now, I understand that once you strip away all the niceties about “violent overthrow of the government” and “God given right to hunt endangered species,” the argument from current gun-owners is conceptually the same as my post-civilization fears. When society breaks down, I’m going to want a gun. The gun owner says society has broken down/is breaking down/will break down imminently. While I’m competing with rivals for gun store loot, many of whom will already have their own guns, they’ll be sitting pretty in their trailer arsenal, ready to defend themselves from what comes next.

The difference, of course, is that my dreaded future IS A PARANOID FEVER DREAM WHOLLY DETACHED FROM REALITY! The zombie apocalypse is NOT coming. We live in an actual society, right now, and that society has a right to protect itself from gun nuts. I know the right wing doesn’t trust the studies and facts that are available, but there are studies and facts available on this issue. We don’t have to take Oliver Stone’s word for what reality is like, we’re living in it right now and have evidence about how it works. We shouldn’t make laws and interpret the Constitution based on the unrealized fears of the dumbest and most resistant to facts among us.

But, for my part, I’m willing to compromise with these people on the issue of natural disasters. The range of human behavior witnessed when faced with the mere threat of a weather event, is simply too stupid for me to expect that yelling “but… science” is of any use. You ever see a bodega after a news report that a “really big snow storm” is coming, in places that don’t get a lot of snow? Bottled water, Hormel Chili, batteries and condoms CANNOT BE FOUND.

People lose their minds, under threat of natural disaster. And telling people who have already purchased guns just in case there’s a complete breakdown of society to lay down their arms when they are as close as they are ever likely to get to a breakdown of society, is futile. On top of that, the government’s credibility to provide for its citizens, especially under this administration, is nearly zero.

So, I didn’t agree with this gun regulation suggested in the lead-up to Hurricane Florence, on straight “human feasibility” grounds. From Courthouse News:

A town near the coast of North Carolina [Leland, North Carolina] updated its state of emergency notice on Tuesday after ordering residents not to sell, purchase or carry firearms outside their homes in advance of Hurricane Florence.

After a brief public outcry, Leland rescinded the ordinance.

I appreciate what Leland officials were trying to do, and it was smart, logical, and safe. A hurricane evacuation is not in fact the breakdown of civil society. If done properly, it is the very definition of civil society as people are orderly and lawfully moved from their homes in a safe and efficient way. It is a TERRIBLE IDEA to have armed citizens, under some amount of fear and stress, figuratively (and some cases literally) clinging to their guns as they leave most of the rest of their possessions behind and prepare to face an uncertain future. It is dangerous for them to come back to their homes, which may or may not be damaged or destroyed after the storm passes, thinking that only their weapons can secure them the services they are entitled to. The ordinance was a responsible request from town leaders.

But, again, the mob is fearful and dumb. Incredibly so, actually. The people who have weapons have already ignored all the evidence that should tell them that owning firearms is a bad idea. On a bright, sunny day with full stomachs and clear minds, they’re still worried that Colin Kaepernick might sneak onto their yard and kneel in front of the American Flag colored air-freshener on their truck. When the storm is literally gathering, telling them that their weapons are a danger to themselves and the entire community at the evacuation center is folly.

And I get that, at some level. If I had a gun, for whatever reasons Scalia made up for me in Heller, I would certainly want to bring it to the evacuation center. “The hurricane might blow away my 14th Amendment rights to due process, but no white man is cutting me in line if I have my piece,” I might think, if I was just a little less able to appreciate the value of human life. “I should take my rifle so I can provide for my family,” I might think, if I hadn’t thought through how complete and utter the breakdown of modern society would have to be for my family to need me to blast an escaped flamingo for dinner.

Nobody died in New Orleans or Puerto Rico because they weren’t well-armed enough to take care of themselves. People die because when the government doesn’t care about your survival, it creates a gap in services that you can’t shoot your way out of.

But, there’s no point in trying to explain that to people before a storm. If you can’t convince them to lay down their arms when they have nothing to worry about, you aren’t going to convince them to do it when they have actual concerns.

Stay safe from the storm, everybody. Try to remember that the jump in human evolution that gave us the capacity to love each other, help our weak, and work together to ward off danger, preceded our abilities to make tools to kill each other.

NC Town Rescinds Order That Residents Evacuate Without Their Guns [Courthouse News Service]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.