BRITISH children have begun talks on how to destroy any sense of peace and relaxation on their family holiday.

Brats from around the UK are deciding how best to bring stress, panic and tedium to the one or two weeks their parents had hoped to be able to unwind.

Nine year old Joseph Turner said: “I’m going to injure myself in a very minor way that still requires a visit to A&E – that’ll be a five-hour round trip from our remote campsite in Cornwall.

“The stress alone will be too much for Mum, not to mention how draining my constant moaning about the injury will be for the whole fortnight. Sweet.”

Five year old Eleanor Shaw added: “I agree with Joseph’s approach, it shows real commitment.

“I’m planning to lose my favourite teddy bear at the airport. I’ll be inconsolable all week, refusing to go into any restaurant, pool or hire car without ‘my little Noo-Noo’.”

Ten year-old Nathan Muir said: “If the wifi in the chalet isn’t perfect I will go absolutely apeshit.”

Shaw added: “Thanks everyone. Good meeting.”