New York City, NY – Spidercrimes journalists recently sat down with the Web-Slinger himself, Spider-Man, to talk about his recent advertisement for Coca-Cola (“Hey Kids, Spider-Man says: It’s Never Too Early to Try Coke!”) as well as his recently noted absence from the public eye. However, what was supposed to be a straight-forward, average interview, quickly took a turn for the worse.

As New York citizens have recently noticed, Spider-Man has been mysteriously absent from the crime scene as of late, so it came as a relief when he finally showed up at our offices. Spider-Man entered the building wearing a large, bulky hoodie. He was covered in his own webbing and what looked to be dead bugs. He was visibly exhausted and seemed eager to finish the interview as quickly as possible.

The interview went south from there. When asked to comment on where he’s been recently, he had this to say:

“What do you mean? I’m still your friendly neighborhood Man-Spider—I mean Spider-Man. I’ve just been doing a lot of human stuff, you know? Definitely not trying to cope with growing four arms! Just normal things!”

He then proceeded to catch a bug in mid-air with a web produced from (as far as this reporter could tell) his asshole and devour it in sight of everyone. This is when we at Spidercrimes Publications began to suspect that something about Spider-Man was different.

Finally, at the end of the interview, Spider-Man started to cry and admitted that he has begun turning into a spider. He told Spidercrimes reporters that he doesn’t know why the transformation is happening:

“Ask any superhero who got their powers by being bitten by something radioactive. It’s perfectly safe. I don’t know what the deal is. One day I’m going to the movies with Mary Jane, the next day I have six eyes and an uncontrollable urge to bite anyone who touches me.”

The transformation took Spider-man by surprise. He said that he discovered the start of the change when he took a shower last month.

“I thought all the corn dogs and hot pockets I was eating were just going to my ass, but it turns out, I’m actually just growing a spider body and little, tiny spider legs.”

He then stated that the transformation would “not interfere with his crime-fighting” and that it might even “scare the shit out of potential criminals” who would rather avoid a six-foot spider chasing them down through Queens.

This reporter, for one, is excited to see what the future holds for the superhero. While he is now terrifying to look upon, and will certainly lose all future advertisement deals, friends, and family, his name now makes a little more sense. He is the protector of New York. He is the Friendly neighborhood Man-Sized Spider. And he is creepy as shit now.