BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood. “Tragically, nine in 10 Americans will die having only heard the song’s beguiling synthesizer intro accompanied by Mr. Winwood’s silky-smooth yet slightly edged vocals for just the most minuscule fraction of their time on earth,” said professor Cindy Nancherla, lead author of the report, which also found that most people will unfortunately spend vastly larger portions of their life sleeping, working, stuck in traffic, and, most disturbingly, listening to Toto’s “Rosanna.” “So much of the typical individual’s lifespan is squandered not waiting for the upbeat drums to kick in during the chorus and not hearing that heart-stopping key change in the bridge. It’s just so sad—you can never get those hours and days back.” Nancherla added that it was not too late for the majority of Americans to put on Winwood’s 1986 kinetic pop-rock masterpiece Back In The High Life and completely turn their lives around.

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