PERRIS, CA—Saying he was unwilling to compromise his ideals by dressing in lesser-quality garb, naked man Jon Russo confirmed Wednesday that he was refusing to let unworthy attire touch his body while he awaits the launch of new Onion store merchandise. “My body is a temple and deserves to be draped in finery of a level only the Onion store can provide,” said the nude Russo, scrolling through the site’s collection of men’s T-shirts impeccably screen-printed by one of China’s most deluxe bulk T-shirt suppliers. “For my torso, only a comfort-fit sweatshirt emblazoned with the Onion logo will do. Until I receive my order, just a few standard shipping days from now, my skin will remain bare and untainted by inferior branded clothing.” At press time, a visibly sunburned Russo was attempting to rehydrate by drinking from his favorite Onion coffee mug.

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