Bill Shorten, alerted by his spotters, calls the restaurant and instructs the maitre d' to send a plate of Shanghai chicken to Hinch with his compliments. Shorten asks that the bill be sent to Sam Dastyari. October: Negotiations continue apace. Turnbull arranges to meet Nick Xenophon at the officer's mess at the Adelaide submarine headquarters, quietly prepared to offer a new brace of subs if required. Xenophon sends word he wants to meet instead in the old kiosk at Holden's soon-to-be-closed assembly line in Elizabeth. Turnbull's security agents advise against it. Turnbull proposes a pie floater at Adelaide's old railway station. Xenophon points out the place was converted to a casino years ago, and breaks off all communications. Alternatives are workshopped urgently. Senator Bob Day, of the South Australian Family First Party, sends apologies. He is hosting a prayer meeting for a family group called Turn Away from Sodom.

Turnbull retires to his home at Point Piper to re-think strategy over a bottle of rather good red. November: Pauline Hanson, having spent the night in the VIP guest suite at The Lodge, demands proof that her breakfast is not halal. Turnbull says the butler has made sure the eggs are fine, but can't vouch for the bacon, ha ha. He compliments Pauline on her Trump-print dressing gown and inquires whether she has thought over his offer to repeal 18c and to abandon the Trans-Pacific Partnership in exchange for her support on budget repair, or anything, really. Senator Pauline Hanson during the opening of the 45th Parliament, at Parliament House in Canberra on Tuesday 30 August 2016. Photo: Alex Ellinghausen Credit:Alex Ellinghausen "Please explain", she demands, and is heard telling the servants later that she can't abide a man who gives in so easily.

Turnbull retires to his office to discuss arrangements for a state visit by new US President Donald Trump. Whiskey is served. December: In the absence of any legislation having any chance of passing the Senate, the House of Representatives decides to cancel the preparation of all Bills. Turnbull also cancels the final sessions of Parliament for the year, citing the need to reduce government spending. Shorten mounts a spirited attack on the decision shortly before flying to Bordeaux on a pre-Christmas study and all-round celebratory tour. Lucy Turnbull notices the brandy for the Christmas pudding has gone missing. The Prime Minister's annual Christmas message is mysteriously cancelled. Rumours he is "taking a cure" are denied. January: Nothing is heard beyond cicadas and the gentle wash of surf.

February: In a surge of post-summer-holiday optimism, the PM's advisers leak to The Australian (known in the PM's Office as "Old Reliable") that a majority of cross-senators are finally teetering on an agreement with the government on unspecified minor legislation. Barely has the exclusive story been published when it emerges any agreements that might have been negotiated are now null and void, as Derryn Hinch and Jacqui Lambie have established a close relationship over summer. "It's a package deal," Hinch announces. The Prime Minister is said to be writing his speech for the upcoming state visit (date yet to be confirmed) of President Trump, and can't be disturbed. Peta Credlin's 13th newspaper column in a row calls for Turnbull to abscond to the Labor Party, leaving the Coalition to its rightful leader, Tony Abbott. The editor of Old Reliable demands of his political correspondent why his story about looming Senate peace remains exclusive. March: Turnbull and Treasurer Scott Morrison call a press conference to announce that in the new exciting era of innovation and public expenditure savings, the budget has been cancelled for 2017.

When finance ministers are sitting around at meetings of the G20 and our treasurer starts sharing his troubles, the others just laugh. Credit:Bradley Kanaris Budget repair will continue in the spirit set by previous budgets, they say. The PM and Treasurer depart in a stunned silence before a single journalist can think of a question. Leaks soon emerge, thought to emanate from the PM's office, suggesting that in the absence of the need for a budget, the Treasurer's position is about to be made redundant. April: The government has split into four discernible factions, each at war with all the others. Former Treasurer and current backbencher Scott Morrison is marshalling numbers from the proto-opportunist wing, in competition with fellow backbenchers Tony Abbott and Cory Bernardi - who are carving up the Conservative, arch-Conservative and raving lunatic sectors of the party between them - while Turnbull is holding meetings every evening with a shrinking number of supporters, most of whom are enthusiasts of excellent claret. May: A long-expected spill occurs in the Liberal partyroom. A last-minute decision by Peter Dutton to run for the leadership creates a stampede, led by Julie Bishop, of MPs tossing their names into the hat. The infectious hysteria settles only when every member of the party discovers that each has put forward his or her own name, except for the extremely canny Arthur Sinodinos. The vote takes a record seven hours to count, largely because of challenges to the result, until every candidate is drawn on one vote each, with one vote to count. It turns out to be that of Sinodinos, whose choice is to continue with Turnbull.

Senator Arthur Sinodinos was honorary treasurer of the NSW Liberals when the unlawful donations were made. Credit:Andrew Meares A grateful Turnbull disbands his ministry ("traitors, all of them," he is heard to say) and chooses to run the government as a duumvirate with Sinodinos as his fellow general. They split the 27 ministries between them. Turnbull discovers, to his surprise, that he has fewer titles than those taken by Sinodinos. Shorten decides to extend his latest vacation on The Seychelles. June: Morrison, Abbott and Bernardi broker an uneasy truce and create a single but potent anti-Turnbull faction. Sinodinos takes the three malcontents to dinner, separately, and makes several suggestions he later describes as "offers too good to refuse, Greek style". Within weeks, Abbott announces he is honoured to accept the position of Ambassador to the Holy See, enabling him to share a lavish Vatican apartment with his Confessor, George Pell.

Former prime minister Tony Abbott wants 'much less factionalism within the Liberal Party'. Credit:Alex Ellinghausen Bernardi is named as the head of a special Prime Minister's Commission for Arranging the Promised State Visit of President, Duce and First Marshall of the United States Empire of Free Speech, Donald Trump. Morrison is given nothing and quietly resigns as head of the previously-named faction,acknowledging the raving lunatic wing would be impossible to control without the continuing assistance of Bernardi and Abbott. July: A grateful PM Turnbull announces Sinodinos will henceforth occupy The Lodge and Kirribilli House, as he is moving permanently to one of his own mansions where he keeps an unrivalled library on the Peloponnesian Wars. Sinodinos, secretly amused that Turnbull has never understood a very early Spartan ancestor, Lysander Sinodinos, had played a winning role in one of the Peloponnesian Wars, has Julie Bishop over to The Lodge for lunch. They announce jointly that rumours of an impending coup are an outrageous beat-up by the Fairfax-ABC conspiracy.

The Australian publishes a front-page exclusive on why Turnbull is safer than he's ever been. Sinodinos issues hush-hush invitations for lunch at Kirribilli to the political editors of Fairfax publications and ABC TV and radio. August: Turnbull calls a press conference to announce he is deeply satisfied with the work he has done restoring the budget to a forecast deficit that could, on some modelling, potentially be less than it otherwise might have been; to reforming government in innovative ways; and to making Australia the most exciting place to be alive, so long as you didn't want to get married to someone who was quite similar to you in many ways, or that sort of thing. So satisfied, indeed, that he felt it was the right time to return to reading Thucydides full-time.Going out on top, Turnbull described it. Shortly after, Arthur Sinodinos is declared the new prime minister, with Julie Bishop his party deputy. Labor's Anthony Albanese sends a note expressing admiration and asking if he could have an urgent word with Sinodinos, preferably before Bill Shorten returns from his latest holiday in the Caribbean. Master of innuendo: Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. Credit:AP

President Trump, facing impeachment proceedings following revelations he had granted under-the-table contracts at massively inflated rates to several of his own construction companies to build a wall along the Mexican border, announces he is cancelling a planned trip to Australia because he is suffering a touch of pneumonia. Cory Bernardi's special commission is dissolved. Tony Abbott sends blessings to all.