Greetings, true believers!

After last week’s constant consonant clusterfuck, we’re going to be dipping our collective toes back in to the water of linguistic (though, rest assured, not sexual) normalcy.

This one’s by ’21vrgn’ from ‘Literotica.com’.

***

Angie was 21 years old. She was a virgin.

Judging by the username, we can probably assume this author’s work has a recurring theme.

Her neighbor Ted was one of her dad’s best friends he was always coming around the house hitting on her. She loved his flirtatiousness it made her wet, but Ted didn’t need to know that.

Why? I mean, she obviously likes him, he obviously likes her, otherwise she wouldn’t-

Oh, right. He’s her dad’s friend. Good judgement there, I hope it continues.

One day Angie was alone at the house when Ted came to call. Angie inwardly groaned she really didn’t want to put up with Ted’s bullshit today. She was horny and worried that she would pounce Ted if he tried any kind of moves with her.

If you’ve never had sex before, I severely doubt you’re pouncing anybody.

Hell, I’ve never even pounced anybody, and I once came close to literally drowing in labias.

When he entered the kitchen he flashed her one of his killer grins and asked, “Where’s your dad?” Despite being horny and frustrated she flashed Ted a wicked sultry grin and replied huskily, “Out.”

“Buyin’ a toilet.”, she continued, subtly biting her lip that way she did whenever the subject of bathroom appliances came up.

Ted couldn’t help but think what perfect timing it was that his best friend was out of the house. He had a raging hard on and expected Angie to help relieve him of it.

Wait, his plan was just to come into (ha ha) the house with a boner and just hope Angie was in there, and that she would want to fuck?

What if she hadn’t been there? Can you imagine how awkward the conversation with Angie’s dad would have been?

“Hey Ted.”

“Hey Joe.”

“…”

“…”

“Is that a new boner, Ted?”

“Nope, same one.”

“…”

“…”

When he entered the kitchen she had turned around to face him at the sink, know her back was to him as he sauntered up behind her and put his hands on her hips. He couldn’t help the groan that escaped his lips, she felt so damned good beneath his hands and couldn’t help but say so out loud, “Damn, you know you’re a lot curvier then you look?”

“You’re like a sexy magic-eye picture…”

She couldn’t answer him especially since he was gently pushing his pelvis up into her behind.

The behind, where the mouth, vocal cords, and larynx are located.

Angie could feel the hard length of him and immediately started oozing cum

EWW.

Nothing good oozes.

She couldn’t believe that she was actually allowing Ted to touch her this way especially since her dad could be back at any moment, and even though the thought frightened her it also turned her on even more. Imagining that they could have an audience was incredibly kinky to her and made her moan.

Especially if that audience was her dad. I mean, oh my god, how hot would it be to have your dad watch you have sex?

Ted moved his hands sensually up her sides and slipped them underneath her shirt. He caressed her breasts twisting the nipples into hard little nubs. Angie turned around and faced him. The minute their eyes locked onto each other Teds mouth enveloped Angie’s .It was her first kiss and it was amazing, his tongue slipped into her mouth and she sucked on it without thinking, but instead of getting laughed at Ted moaned.

“He sounded like a bull elephant seal in heat.”

His pace quickened and he started undressing her and when her breasts were bared to him he started teasing the nipples.

“Ha! You call that erect? My grandma’s nipples are more erect than that, and she’s dead!”

Pulling and twisting and squeezing as hard as he could while nibbling on her earlobe. Ted undid her pants pulling them down along with her panties he let his fingers slide through her thick blonde curls.

The ones on her head, or the ones under her arms?

He felt just how wet she was and groaned. At this point cum was dripping down Angie’s legs she was so turned on.

See, it bothers me when writers use ‘cum’ as a general term for ‘vagina juices’, because I just don’t make the mental connection between the two. I just end up picturing her oozing literal male ejaculate from her baconhole, like some kind of nightmarish pipette.

Angie moaned as his hand teased her swollen clit.

“Heh! That’s the puniest, most pathetic clit I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to Norway!”

Slipping a finger between her wet folds

he slowly slid it into her tight virginal hole. Moving one then sliding a second finger in,

Now, I’m just a simple country blogger, but I’m pretty sure jamming two fingers into a vag that’s never had anything put in it before would HURT LIKE SHITFUCK.

he slowly started moving them in and out.

To reiterate: SHITFUCK.

It was the most incredible orgasm she’d ever been given. It was the only orgasm she’d ever been given.

Very good of the writer to provide context for how seriously we should take that first statement.

Ted groaned he needed to be inside her but wanted it to last as long as it could. He knew she was a virgin it was one of the things her parents were so damned proud about. They would always throw it into a conversation every now and then about how their daughters were saving themselves for marriage. With that in mind Ted undid his pants letting his cock spring free and pushed Angie down onto her knees telling her to suck it.

Of course, the only thing hotter than being watched by a parent during sex, is thinking about your partner’s parents during sex.

“Ugh, Mr and Mrs Jones would be so huhuuuh… dissapp…pointed in me right..NOW!”

Not a 100% sure what to do Angie slowly slid her lips around his cock.

Not exactly rocket science, is it?

Put penis in mouth, Take penis out of mouth. Repeat until satisfied, or finished. Whatever comes first.

It was huge that was all she could think, at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide, almost too big to get in her mouth.

How the hell is that going to fit into your unstreteched love tunnel?

She managed it though. Hesitantly she started sucking and pulling and giving just a little bit of teeth. He liked the teeth.

Sicko.

His hand grabbed the back of her head forcing her to deep throat his cock. She didn’t care though because she discovered she liked it rough.

Liked it rough, and hated breathing, evidently.

She slid her tongue up underneath his cock from tip to balls. With one of her hands she cupped his balls with the other she slid it up and down his cock.

If you’ve just had a 9-inch long, 3-inch thick object forced repatedly down your throat, for the first time ever, are you really going to have the wherewithal to perform such delicate tongue work?

Seriously?

Eventually she let her tongue circle around the tip teasing him and with big innocent eyes

Big innocent eyes, presumably moist, red and puffy from all the gagging she would have done with that monster being shoved down her gullet.

she looked up to see Ted with his eyes squeezed shut and one of his hands clutched at his side while the other one grabbed her hair and forced her head down onto his cock. He started slamming his cock to the back of her throat and with one last forward push he exploded in her mouth. She swallowed as much as she could discovering she liked the taste of cum, then licked him clean.

Now, class, can anyone here tell me what we can assume about the author’s private fantasies from this story?

The impossibly wide vagina, the non-existent gag reflex, the sudden realisation that she loves the taste of cum?

That’s right, she’s an incredibly idealised version of a young, girl, something prized (by weirdos) across the world for thousands of years.

Angie was horny all over again slowly she reached between her legs and started fingering herself. At first Ted didn’t notice then he heard her moans of pleasure and whispered cries of, “YES! Oh God! Fuck Yes!”

“HEY. HEY. I like to be fingered too, little miss selfish.”

Ted stroked his cock back into hardness as he watched Angie get herself off. It was almost one of the sexiest things he had ever seen.

Second only to that dead rodeo clown he once saw.

With his cock standing straight out again he frantically searched kitchen for an area he could lay Angie down on and fuck her. He eyed the kitchen table and with one sweep of his arm cleaned the kitchen table off. He picked Angie up off the floor and she wrapped her long silk legs

“Silk legs”?

Like, floppy and made by moths?

around him begging him to fuck her. Ted grinned and whispered into her ear, “Just you wait baby I’m going to fuck the shit out of you.”

“…and then, I’m going to put it in a little jar. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you little slut…”

He laid her down on the table and then forcing her legs open as wide as they could go lowered himself between her legs. Angie twisted her nipples and arched her hips up to meet Teds. She wanted him so incredibly badly and he was teasing her dripping slit with the tip of his cock. With a lazy hand she lowered it between her legs to tease her clit,

I can’t think of a way to continue this joke. Just picture a clitoris with hurt feelings.

but Ted had other ideas he snatched her hand and pinned it above her head and with a wicked grin said, “I don’t think so.”

“NO. We do that outside.”

It was hard for Ted he wanted to take her deep and hard with no sense of caring he just wanted release in her tight hole and watching her play with her nipples, biting her lips and moaning was not helping him take it slow.

Wait, why does he need to go slow? He just wants release, so what does he care?

Just once I’d like a older man to fuck a young girl and be transparent about it.

He moaned with pleasurable pain of her nails digging into his back and with part of his cock buried in her. He loved it rough and even as he started to take her virginity was thinking of other things he would do to her next time,

Tch, typical. Grass is always greener.

because there would be a next time. With that on his mind in one powerful movement he shoved his cock deep into her pussy.

“Consider…this..a…MEMO!”

Angie screamed she hadn’t expected the teasing to end so quickly, the pain didn’t last long though

Riiight.

and as she wrapped her arms around him pulling him closer he went crazy plunging in and out of her. Ted had never felt anything so tight before. He had wanted to take it slowly but once he was buried to the hilt in her tight pussy there was no going back. He pounded into her until they both went over the edge.

And as they fell, between screams, both Ted and Angie began to regret their previous disregard for the dangers inherent in cliffside fuckery.

Spilling his seed into her was one of the happiest moments in his life. He slumped on top of her his cock still buried to the hilt inside her and kissed her breasts. It felt as though time stopped for Angie losing her virginity had never felt so amazing.

…”had never felt so amazing”?

Am I missing something here, or was there a bit of the story I skipped where Angie was revealed to be the world’s sluttiest Time Lord?

She was already ready for another round, but not before she turned her head to look out the backdoor only to see her dad’s eyes staring back at her.

Aha! Not so sexy when it actually happens, is it?

For only a split second was she scared then thought drifted into her mind that he was next.

What.

***

That last part’s clearly a sequel hook, so I ‘m going to play Cassandra for a second and predict that Angie’s dad has an 11-inch cock and that Angie turns out to have a supernaturally elastic rectum that somehow doesn’t tear when he shoves the entire thing in.

Food for thought, readers.

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-Alex