Sorry, men, but if a girl isn't into you, you can't win.

Take it from a girl who happens to be extremely creepy. I can get the exact same text from two different boys and feel two COMPLETELY different things.

A "hi" from a boy I'm into has the power to make my day, but a "hi" from a boy I'm not interested in makes me want to throw up in tinfoil and eat it, then throw it back up and wrap it in another tin foil wrapping, then eat it again... and so on and so forth for the rest of eternity.

If you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, read this list for yourself. See how your texts fare with a girl who likes you and a girl who has no interest in you whatsoever.

In a way, you should take this information as a blessing. Send whatever the f*ck you want. If a girl's into you, she'll be into it. And if a girl's not into you, a text message isn't going to change her mind.

The "I miss you"

If she is into you: OMG, he misses me!! He really, really misses me!! Do I tell him I miss him too..? I wonder if he misses me as MUCH as I miss him (is that even possible)?

If she is not into you: F*ck. Looks like we've got a Stage Five Clinger on our hands. Get that emoji out of my face before I vom even more than I already am. We have known each other for 48 hours. You do not miss me.

The L-bomb

If she is into you: F*ck. YES!!! He said it first, so I don't feel like a total idiot. But OMG, HE LOVES ME! HE REALLY REALLY LOVES ME!!!

If she is not into you: WTF?! How do I go about getting a restraining order...?

The TMI

If she is into you: OMG... I can't believe he was able to be so vulnerable with me. I think my heart just melted.

If she is not into you: So do I forward this nutcase my therapist's number or what?

The feelings that are just blatantly not mutual

If she is into you: No, not at all! I feel the exact same way.

If she is not into you: Yes. It is f*cking weird. Please stop texting me.

The eager beaver

If she is into you: OMG, do I have to change outfits, or is it kosher to wear the same outfit if we're doing two dates in one day...?

If she is not into you: Tonight I am looking into how to file a restraining order against you, you f*cking creep.

The one who just "knows"

If she is into you: Um... SWOON!! I knew he was "The One."

If she is not into you: BLOCK! BLOCK! Literally cannot block this psychopath soon enough.

The thing that made him think about you

If she is into you: AWWWWW, he remembered that I absolutely love puppies. Plus, is he kind of also calling me cute? I feel like he is... OMG.

If she is not into you: Why the f*ck do these dogs remind you of me? Take your irrelevant pics and emojis and GTFO of my inbox, please and thank you.

The end-of-the-weekend check-in

If she is into you: Man, I wish he would have texted me DURING the weekend so we could have seen each other. But still, so cute that he CARES.

If she is not into you: Do I tell him about the three guys I banged, or am I supposed to care about this dweeb's feelings?

The one who just wants to hold you

If she is into you: I wish he could be here to snuggle me more! Do I tell him I haven't washed my sheets since he last slept over just so I could take in his scent? Or is that creepy?

If she is not into you: I would rather have a serial killer hop into bed with me right now than you get your grimy paws all over me.

The big spender

If she is into you: Can hearts actually melt? Because I think I literally feel my heart melting inside of me right now.

If she is not into you: Oh, so when did I become a call girl?

The like that isn't a "like"

If she is into you: OMG, he liked my prof pic so much that he felt the need to actually TELL me!?!?!? Day. Made.

If she is not into you: Is it too harsh to block him from Facebook AND my phone?

The one who keeps tabs

If she is into you: Thank GOD he got the hints I was dropping everywhere over social media. YES, I'm back in the city!

If she is not into you: If I wanted you to know I was in the city, did it ever cross your mind that I would, IDK, tell you?!

The "wish you were here" text

If she is into you: Me too...</3.

If she is not into you: HAH! If I could make a list of everywhere I want to be in the entire world right now, with you would MAYBE come in 57894385th. And even then, probably not.

The begger

If she is into you: SO cute that he wants me to come over so bad!

If she is not into you: Is he drunk...? I hope for the sake of his own dignity that he's drunk.

The chef

If she is into you: SO ROMANTIC!! OMG OMG!! Will there be candles? Oh, there will probably be candles. OMG.

If she is not into you: Only if you promise to slip poison in my spaghetti.

The doormat

If she is into you:He's free anytime for ME! He's so laid-back. I love it.

If she is not into you: Before you try and talk to me, do yourself a favor and GET A LIFE.

The grateful-for-you text

If she is into you: I'm even MORE glad I met you, Eli! It's funny how you can have no hope for love and then meet somebody who suddenly turns everything upside down.

If she is not into you: Feelings are NOT mutual, Eli. Leave me alone.

The interest in what you're doing at this very moment

If she is into you: I love how much he just CARES. I wonder what he is doing right now. I should ask. OMG I'm totally gonna ask.

If she is not into you: Why does he want to know what I'm doing RIGHT now!? Is he going to come kill me?

The follow-up after a failed phone call attempt.

If she is into you: OMG OMG OMG, HOW did I miss his call in the first place?!

If she is not into you: No.

The extreme compliment.

If she is into you: Is he kidding with that?! I could die happy right now.

If she is not into you: Ew. My skin is literally crawling.

The obvious excuse to make conversation

If she is into you: I don't even care that there are no more new episodes of "Mad Men" being aired. He remembered that I said I love that show, and he just wants to strike up conversation! He is so freaking cute.

If she is not into you: There hasn't been a new episode of "Mad Men" on since last year. Hop off my dick.

The midday warm wishes.

If she is into you: Well, it honestly was not going well until I got THIS!

If she is not into you: Well, it honestly was going well until I got THIS!

The out-of-the-blue emoji

If she is into you: If you could encompass all of my feelings for him in ONE emoji, it would be that emoji. Are we soulmates or what?!

If she is not into you: Get that image off of my screen. ASAP PLEASE.

The one who's falling so hard, so fast.

If she is into you: OMG, so I'm NOT crazy!! He feels the same way <3

If she is not into you: You are jumping the gun. You are leaping ahead of the gun. Dial it back about five million steps.

The one who sees you as the light of his life

If she is into you: He is having a dark dismal day and I -- yes, I -- am the light at the end of the tunnel! I am honored.

If she is not into you: Oh, shoot. This makes it even more awkward for when I cancel.

The EXTREME profession of his love

If she is not into you: What the F*CK was that?!

The "good morning" text

If she is into you: OMG, I was literally the first thing he thought about this morning! That is the cutest thing ever. I wonder if he was dreaming about me.

If she is not into you: OMG, was I literally the first thing he thought about this morning?! EW.

The "good night" text

If she is into you: Oh, I am going to sleep SO well tonight.

If she is not into you: It is going to take a lot of NyQuil to let me go to sleep after the sheer terror of seeing that sh*t pop on my screen.

The one who cares about your sleep

If she is not you: He CARES about how I slept?!?! The literal cutest.

If she is not into you: Yes, and thank God I did, because I am never going to sleep ever again after receiving that creepy-ass text.

The random smiley

If she is into you: Daaawwwwwww. To think you can brighten my day THIS much with just two characters...

If she is not into you: What is he, some sort of pedophile? Who the f*ck uses the classic smiley anymore?

The vacation invite

If she is into you: YES!!!!!!!!

If she is not into you: NO!!!!!

The unwanted reminder

If she is into you: Okay, so hottest night of my life and apparently... he FEELS THE SAME WAY!! Booyah baby money in da bank WINNING!!

If she is not into you: Well, Jesse, I was doing a pretty good job of forgetting about it completely UNTIL NOW.

The legit stalker

If she is into you: OMG, he SURPRISED me!

If she is not into you: SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!

The "thinking about you" text

If she is into you: He thinks about me too!?!!? Oh, this is just too good to be true.

If she is not into you: ...Why?

The unsolicited sad face

If she is into you: Aww, is he sad because he misses me?! I am too.

If she is not into you: Hey, kinda looks like my face when I saw your name pop up on the screen.

The awkward check-in

If she is into you: Awwww, he was just thinking about me and couldn't think of anything else to say! It's like the modern-day version of "I just called to say I love you."

If she is not into you: WTF do you want me to respond to that...?

The date invite

If she is into you: YES! YES! YES! 1,000 TIMES YES!!!!

If she is not into you: NO! NO! NO! 1,000 TIMES NO!!!