Image credit: Nicolas Tang

Shortly after Mahathir made his comments about the ‘ridiculous’ price Singapore pays for water, a loud booming noise was heard in the sky over Yishun.

Residents looked up and saw Halimah Yacob’s HDB flat. And further beyond, the ghostly figure of an elderly Chinese man with a larg-ish forehead.

“Ah Gong ah, is that you?” Singaporeans were heard asking in unison.

A voice then replied, “Yes, I come back. Good to hear that everyone has accepted the 9% GST. Now where is that old cheebye Mahathir?”

Speaking to ST journalists who had gathered around an Ouija board, LKY’s ghost made a number of statements repudiating Mahathir’s allegation that water prices were ‘ridiculously’ cheap.

He pointed out:

a) Subsidised, treated water was sold back to Johor at a loss, and

b) One of the reasons he died was because he had gotten sick of listening to Mahathir go on and on about water, airspace, and his ambition to turn 2 Southern Rocks into one Southern Rock.

“Mahathir is a thoroughly destructive force. He is a very smart man, but his mentality is still stuck in the 1970s,” he espoused.

“In the long term, this shit-stirring will hurt his nation … I know this in my heart and I am sure of it.”

It was unclear if LKY’s ghost had wagged his index finger at this point, but characteristically, he did not apologise. Instead, he accepted ‘full responsibility’ for dying before the Mahathir issue was satisfactorily resolved.

“I came back because I cannot allow this to tarnish my legacy. So I invite Dr. Mahathir to meet me in the cul-de-sac, where I will meet his parang with my hatchet.”

This statement was followed by strong words criticising Mahathir’s post-election policies and his behaviour as a statesman. Dr. Mahathir’s dreams of yet another national car to replace Proton were ridiculed as ‘an attempt to recycle old Milo tins’ and his trademark Bata slippers were dismissed as a ‘political opportunism’.

“Look at me, I’m so average and modest! Vote for me! This is what Mahathir means to say,” Ah Gong mused, “But if he really cared about comfort, he would have worn Crocs.”

LKY’s ghost went on to lambast the PH’s sales tax (’same same but different’), Mahathir’s pilot pen (‘it uses erasable ink for all agreements’) and the so-called foreign cook ban which forbids non-Malaysians from cooking Malaysian food.

“This is a very bad policy. You only need to take one bite of the croissant from Mahathir’s bakery to know that this is a very bad policy.”

And as for the Dr Mahathir comment that Singaporeans are ready for a new government, the late Minister Mentor kindly told him to mind his own business.

He said that if Singaporeans wanted advice, they would not get it from a 92-year-old internet troll.

As of press time, LKY’s ghost could be seen lurking around the PMO muttering something about “demolishing that damned house already”.