It’s official: Jimbo Fisher will take over head coaching duties at Texas A&M out of pity, effective immediately. Rumors that Fisher was pursuing the opportunity to help the less fortunate have come to fruition.

According to Fisher, leaving his prestigious position at Florida State to focus on charity work was a tough, but necessary choice. “Winning a championship and regularly competing for conference titles is fun,” said Fisher, “but I could not in clear conscience ignore the ongoing tragedy in College Station. Someone has to do what’s right and help out the little guy.”

Fisher has reportedly already initiated relief efforts within the Aggie football program. However, early roadblocks to recovery have arisen.

“I tried going over a basic offensive scheme with the players, and it was as if I was speaking a different language,” said Fisher. “I would say ‘deep route’ and they thought I was trying to say ‘bubble screen.’ It’s going to take some patience and care to get these guys to resemble a competitive football team.”

In addition to volunteering full-time with the A&M football team, Fisher has established a research endowment with the school of medicine to treat Battered Aggie Syndrome. Researchers are somewhat hopeful, but are still skeptical about finding a cure.

—Hullakazoo