I have always been appalled at the idea of marriage, even as a young child. I suppose it was because I hated dresses, and then, as I got older, became less and less keen on boys. In those days girls could only marry boys, and the boys in my neighbourhood did not make me dream of walking down the aisle.

By the time I got to secondary school, my friends would all talk about getting married, wondering how old they’d be when it happened, who would get engaged first, and how many children they would have.

There was no Google in those days of course, so girls would ask these questions of each other. “What if I never get married?” was one I recall being asked over and over by Joanne, a beautiful, long-legged red-haired freckly thing, who said that boys never liked her because she was “too loud”. They seemed to me to be worrying about the wrong thing. Perhaps their concern centred around being on their own, or never having a life partner? But what has marriage got to do with either of those concerns?

Maybe those at the most risk of ending up alone are not the folk who never marry, but rather the people who chuck all their eggs in one basket. They might marry their “soulmate”, but then something goes wrong and it ends in divorce, as do 42% of heterosexual marriages in England and Wales according to the Office for National Statistics. During their marriage, believing as they did that they only needed each other, both parties would have neglected friendships, or indeed, failed to cultivate new ones. After a breakup, the only thing keeping them company at night are online dating sites and the cat.

Now, a lesbian in my 50s, I could marry my partner of 28 years if I wished. But I do not want to, and neither does she. Marriage is an institution based on the inequality between women and men, and the notion that women should be transferred from the care of her father to that of her husband. Marriage perpetuates the notion that women are property, and that it is necessary to have the state and, more often than not, religious bodies, involved in our personal relationships.

As marriage between lesbians and gay men becomes more popular, so does a move away from it by heterosexual people

When I was young, I wore badges and T-shirts bearing the slogan “Y B A Wife?”. In earlier times, writers such as Mary Wollstonecraft and Sarah Fielding argued that marriage during the Industrial Revolution as “little more than a state of legal prostitution”. It was not until 1992, following a massive feminist campaign, that rape in marriage was criminalised in England and Wales.

In the 1980s, the Lesbians Against the Clause group campaigned against Clause 28 on the grounds that the heterosexual fabric of British society ought to be undermined. They produced an anti-marriage poster with the slogan: “They say marriage is a bed of roses … beware of the pricks,” and organised several conferences and seminars to discuss the issue.

When Diana and Charles got engaged, women’s groups produced badges with the slogan “Don’t Do it Di!”

The wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer in 1981. Photograph: Sipa Press/Rex Features

Lesbians and gay men were only granted legal permission to marry because it is an institution in decline. In 1971, 404,000 marriages took place, by 2009 that figure was down to 232,000.

Now of course, lesbians and gay men are not only permitted by law to marry, they are also pressurised into it by society. Research I conducted for my book on the state of the lesbian and gay movement today found that it is now almost obligatory for same-sex couples to marry, and that those who choose not to, become seen as the “bad gays”. Just like the bad old days, when women had little or no choice to be hitched to a man, lesbians and gays can be judged and found wanting if we decide to reject this institution.

Of the 15,098 same-sex marriages to have taken place in England and Wales since it became legal to do so, 7,732 were conversions from civil partnerships.

The campaign for equal (gay) marriage did not involve public displays of anger, or much placard waving and shouting slogans through megaphones. There was no real need for protest. Even the bigots found it hard to object, when all we were asking for was to be like them, and to be given legal assistance to curtail our dangerous ways. Imitation is flattery after all.

As marriage between lesbians and gay men becomes increasingly popular, so does a move away from it by our heterosexual counterparts. From her research into friendship groups, Sasha Roseneil, professor of sociology at Birkbeck College, has found that such connections are often more supportive than biological family members, and has closely examined the move away from the “traditional” family setup by heterosexuals.

“In the west,” she says, “at the start of the 21st century, more and more people are spending longer periods of their lives outside the conventional family unit.”

Many gay folk take offence at my anti-marriage stance because they think it means I am anti-equality, despite the fact that I have said publicly that those who argue heterosexuals can marry but not same-sex couples are bigots. But in a way I suppose I am against equality, because I don’t just want the same as the heterosexuals.

Photograph: Push Pictures/Corbis

Recently I did some research on the commercialisation of loneliness, and went along to one of the many seminars on how to find your soulmate. A small group of Jewish men, seemingly in their late 20s to early 30s, were chatting together about how they were under pressure from their parents for still being single. I wondered who had found the seminar for them? Similarly, an Indian man in his 40s told me that he had been married once before but recently divorced. His mother had Googled “speed dating” evenings, and was horrified at how they seemed to be aimed towards those looking for casual relationships rather than lifelong commitment.

Men benefit from marriage, as it gives them a head of household status, and – despite the fact that some men do a little bit more housework and childcare than they used to – access to an unpaid maid and childminder. There are some women who claim that shunning marriage has been good for their health. Emma Morano, who lives in Italy, is 115, and says she is convinced that being single for most of her life, after an unhappy marriage that ended in 1938, has contributed to her long life.

Scotland’s oldest person, Jessie Gallan, has a similar tail to tell. “My secret to a long life has been staying away from men,” she said, “They’re just more trouble than they’re worth.”

So: what if you never get married? If you are a woman asking this question, perhaps you could truly take advantage of the massive benefits brought to you via feminism, and develop more confidence in yourself as a human being, rather than hankering after being half of a couple. You won’t have to endure anyone calling you “the wife”, either in ironic jest or as a stamp of ownership. For both men and women, the state will have no say in your relationship, and nor will any religious institution. I only wish I could go back and tell Joanne that the wedding ring is a symbol of oppression, not joy.