LAS VEGAS – After a damning investigative report by CBC News/Toronto Star revealed collusion between Ticketmaster and scalpers, the company’s shareholders took the rare step of ordering the public beheading of their top executives, only for the event to sell out less than a minute after tickets were made available.

“We are confident that all tickets sold by Ticketmaster to this Live Beheading Event were sold to individual fans adhering to our two-ticket-maximum,” explained freshly promoted Ticketmaster CEO Tristan Graves. “But if any of those legitimate buyers should choose to resell their tickets to this once-in-a-lifetime bloodbath at a price of their choosing, we are more than happy to host that transaction as well.”

Ticketmaster claims a near monopoly on tickets sales to sporting events, concerts, and public executions worldwide. For years both Ticketmaster and its parent company Live Nation have insisted that they do not support mass ticket reselling, and have even lobbied the governments of multiple countries to make scalping a capital offense, punishable by guillotine.

“I have hated Ticketmaster for years,” says music fan Jennifer Hsui, “So when I found out that their top executives were being beheaded LIVE in Las Vegas I was on their website the moment that tickets went on sale because I knew I needed to see that in person. It’s the kind of thing I could tell my grandkids about. But even with multiple browsers refreshing, the tickets were still gone before I could process an order.”

Hsui later admitted that she would probably go ahead and pay whatever was necessary on a secondary site in order to be there because “you can’t put a price on being there.”

“The tickets did sell fast, but this business is all about supply and demand,” stated Graves from the office of his predecessor, who is currently shackled and awaiting the guillotine, “and when it comes to supply and demand, we can only control two of those things. I mean one! We only control one of them!”