James Comey’s Bombshell Yelp Reviews

Red Wine in a Paper Cup: Five Stars

As part of the week-long media blitz promoting his new memoir, Former FBI Director James Comey spent over 5-hours on Yelp Sunday night, finally addressing the questions every American has been asking about their local businesses.

The Capital Grille

601 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC

I arrived for my reservation 15 minutes early and the hostess asked to speak with me privately. This made me nervous, as it’s highly unusual for an FBI director to speak privately with a host, hostess, or sous chef — and as an American I feel it’s my duty to protect the independence of institutions like the Capital Grille and its $20 shrimp cocktail.

Honestly I was relieved when she just told me that my table wouldn’t be ready for another 10 minutes and would I mind having a seat at the bar. Unfortunately the bar declined my request for red wine in a paper cup, so minus one star for that.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ (Four Stars)

Whole Foods Market

520 12th St S, Arlington, VA

Breakfast hot bar was out of bacon AGAIN! I told an employee, who turned to his manager (I assume) and almost immediately they were talking about how they’re going to craft their response to other customers — one of them wanted to re-label the hot bar with the “vegetarian” sign!

What disturbed me even more was the conversation they weren’t having: No talk of when more bacon might be ready, who would cook it, or what other breakfast meats might be available. It was all, “What can we say about what they did and how it affects the breakfast rush that we just had.”

⭐️ ⭐️ (Two Stars)

Uniqlo

1090 F St NW, Washington, DC

Stopped in here to pick up some more dark blue shirts but everything was far too bright and colorful. I’ve certainly been accused of grandstanding but a pink shirt? That’s on a whole other level!

That said, I had to balance my decision with the fact that it was walking distance from the office and the socks are quite well-made for the price.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ (Three Stars)

IHOP

3100 14th St NW, Washington, DC

I want you to understand that when I say this IHOP is unfit to serve as a representative of the International House of Pancakes I don’t mean that it’s physically unfit — the building is not crumbling, the kitchen does not catch fire. When I, James Comey, say these pancakes are “unfit” I mean they were completely burned on one side. What kind of morally bankrupt person would ever serve such unfit pancakes — even as part of a combo?

Now you’re probably wondering if I sent those pancakes back. I’ll give you a strange answer: I hope not. Because sending those pancakes back and removing them from my table would let the IHOP off the hook. When they see my unfinished, burned pancakes I know those IHOP employees will feel duty bound to stand up and cook with their values next time they’re in the kitchen. Sending the pancakes back would short circuit that.

… However on this particular occasion I couldn’t think of something that clever in the moment, so I sent them back. And maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but you know what? If you took me back to that late October morning I would absolutely do it again.

⭐️ (One Star)