warning: suicidal actions

"He'll come out. It'll only be a matter of time before he comes out and we can be public."

That was something Roman always told himself. Whenever they were in Creative Writing and he saw Nicole making flirty gestures and remarks that he knew Logan was aware of because he made the same gestures and remarks when they were alone, he repeated that phrase to himself in order to keep himself from committing violent actions that his brother was known for.

The story Logan always told him was that Nicole was nothing more to him than a beard to keep his family from pestering him. Logan always claimed that Roman was the first time his heart did flips. Roman thought of those remarks as well as the multiple experiences he shared with the first person he fell in love with as opposed to just having a crush on: the deep conversations on the ideal motivations through life, the movie nights where Logan would nitpick at logical flaws in films as they shared Crofters and croutons, the passionate kisses that gave them the feeling that they were keys that were unexpected and yet clearly made to unlock each other's worlds. He wondered if Nicole ever had such experiences when she and Logan were together.

Roman knew that not everyone comes out the same way at the same expected age, so it frustrated him that he was frustrated about being Logan's secret. He always felt guilty whenever there were pictures of Logan holding her close as if she was the best treasure in his possession since he knew it caused emotions that were anything but supportive of what Logan always called a facade. He would often turn to his copy of "Binge" (he didn't think a book had to be fictional to qualify as a piece of gay literature) and always found himself turning to the chapter "The One That Got Away". He always imagined himself having a glass of wine with Tyler Oakley and them bonding over such frustrations since their situations were both similar and different. On one hand, they both knew what it was like to be in relationships they want to be public sooner rather than later. On the other hand, it wasn't until after the first breakup did Tyler agree to be the "other guy" in some cases if it meant he'd still be with Adam. Roman stuck around as the "other guy" for Logan due to constant promises of "I'll call things off with her soon" and "I'll show you off when I'm ready".

As guilty as he felt about it, there were times when Roman and Logan were alone together behaving like a couple and Roman would nudge at the idea of them going public with their relationship. There were times where Roman would remark that grabbing dinner from certain places would be cheaper than delivery, but Logan would just agree and focus on a movie. Other times. they would talk about some annoying "Karen" activities that Nicole had done earlier in the day and Roman would remark that he wouldn't do such actions if they were out together. As a result, Logan would just mutter "Yea, someday..." and change the subject.

Every day that passed where Roman saw the two look like such a sweet hetero couple killed him more bit by bit. He was starting to think that the only time Logan would ever admit to not being straight would be when he was on his deathbed. He hated being frustrated, he hated being impatient, he hated Logan allowing Nicole to call him hers. One night, he felt bold enough to finally escape all the pain. The idea that Logan was never going to come out made his plans hurt less. He found enough of a harmful substance to soak into an apple and stared at it before looking out the window to see Logan and Nicole on a romantic stroll.

"It's sad seeing the love of your life with someone else," he thought, "but one bite of this apple will keep me from fighting it."