As an American woman, I belong to one of the most statistically oppressed groups of people in the entire world. It’s true – you can look it up in one of my other articles. American women have to spend more money on beauty products than any other group of people in the entire world. Why is this? Is it because we have a desire to look a certain way? Is it because we have control over our own finances and make decisions to purchase things by our own volition? No, of course not. It’s because of the patriarchy.

That’s why I was tickled pink when I first heard about the Natural Hair movement. But there’s a big problem, guys. I wasn’t just tickled pink, I was born pink. I am a white woman.

While being white does have certain advantages in our society, it also has a lot of downfalls. Chief among them being the fact that the natural hair movement callously excludes us. We can’t simply refuse to shampoo and condition and get that look in the way that women of color can. This is the face and scalp of black privilege, and if we want a more cohesive society, we need to peel that black scalp back and take a look at the systems that oppress us. We need to acknowledge the fact that natural hair is a slap in the face to white women.

The two black women I know – Acura and Delicious, coworkers of mine – come into the teachers’ lounge every day with a sense of confidence that I could only hope to one day fake. Where does that proud sista-girl disposition come from? It comes from their exotic manes. It comes from their springy locks of coiled defiance, shooting up towards the sky like the fists of black panthers. Their rejection of the patriarchy is perfectly expressed through those gravity defying strands of identity and culture – almost punctuating their visage like a million little exclamation points. Their style asserts their presence, and it’s brilliantly radiant, like a black moon eclipsing the sun, or a cartoon that smoked an exploding cigar. I always want to reach out and touch their hair, and I often do, feigning disgust and contempt as I hide my jealousy and admiration.

But, how can I have it? How can I get that ethnic flavor? How can we, as white women, cast off the shackles of the patriarchy and achieve true beauty and agency through the power of natural hair? How can we join in and have a part of that look – the part that is naturally owed to us as women?

Well, I’ve been doing a little experimenting and I’ve got some tips for you. I’ve figured out how to use household items to turn oppressed white lady hair into soulfully liberating afros. With a few chemicals and some moxy, now even white ladies can be “outchea.”

Using a simple combination of nail polish remover and bleach, you just have to soak your head in a bucket for about an hour. This will strip all of the oil and nutrients out of your hair, and the bleach works to remove the color. Make sure that your head is soaked all the way down to the scalp, and you’ll know it’s working when the burning sensation subsides and all you feel is a general nausea and sense of doom.

After this is done, you use a mixture of Vaseline and gasoline in a 3:1 ratio, and apply it directly to your scalp. It is very, very important that each follicle is covered by this mixture. The Vaseline will prevent ambient moisture from entering the follicle and starting the healing process, and the gasoline works to kill the sebaceous glands below the surface. The fumes from this will be pretty potent, so once it’s applied, I suggest going outside to get some air. I don’t know if it helps at all – but I try to listen to old R&B while the mixture is taking effect. It might be psychosomatic, but I feel like it aids in the process – kind of like when you play classical music to a plant to make it smarter.

Now at this point, your hair should be almost translucent. From certain angles it will look like you’re bald, and this might be scary, but don’t worry! We still have to add the color. Now, you can’t just use normal hair coloring at this point, because unfortunately most of those products contain evil patriarchy nutrients that try to offset the damaging effects of bleaching. Instead, were going to use shoe polish and burnt cork. Add a little bit of the gasoline and blend it all together, and then once it’s thoroughly ground, slowly add spent motor oil as an emulsifier. The carbon deposits from the motor oil will help bond the gasoline to the other elements, and you should be left with a purple-black liquid that’s just a bit more viscous than urine – which we will be using in a second so make sure you have some piss ready.

Apply the paste to your scalp and let it sit for about an hour. Then, wash it out with the piss. You can use water, but the acidity of the piss packs a little extra punch.

By now, you’ll start to see the results taking effect. Try to hold back your excitement, and avoid screaming or jumping up and down – the noxious fumes have left you lightheaded and an exertion of force could easily bring about a heart attack or stroke. There’s only one step left at this point, the afro-ization.

For this, we’re going to use a modified curling iron. Basically what you need to do is strip the plates off the inside of a normal curling iron, and replace them with blocks of enriched uranium, which you can order from http://unitednuclear.com. From the contacts inside the curling iron, you want to coil a wire around each block of uranium, but it’s very important that the coils go in opposite directions on each block. Then simply use it like a normal curling iron. This will irradiate your scalp and create lasting, tight curls that look really, really natural.

Okay, now, take a look in the mirror. You did it sister. You’ve got natural hair!

Take that black ladies, now it’s our turn to be Nubian queens! You’ll need to apply the home-made hair dye every week or so, and make sure you maintain a diet high in heavy metals to help offset the amount of ionizing radiation your hair is giving off. But rest assured, you’re now as liberated as women of color. You’ll never have to spend another dollar on cosmetics, and now you can join your sisters of color, hand in hand, lock in lock, in the never ending quest to smash the patriarchy. You go girl.