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Let’s be honest, some of us have spent 2012 doing things that some would frown upon and find socially unacceptable.

You know stuff like sending people erotic emails, losing virginity in dumpsters, almost going R Kelly on 15 year old girls ( I said ALMOST) and messaging exes that now have price on your head. We could try to dignify these events and cleverly brand them as once in a life time learning experiences, but we know the truth, we will spend the rest of lives lying to ourselves, pretending that these so called “learning experiences” were completely unavoidable. But where they really?

Pull up a chair and let me tell you a story.

Based on a true story. Trust me, even I couldn’t make this up.

Dumpster Lovin’ –

G was excited to go on a date with a woman that had boobs to die for. Not much of a talker, the date was running a bit stale. The tense air led to the inevitable- they both reached for the ultimate conversationalist – alcohol. She explained her passion for witch craft and voodoo, eagerly telling of him of all the vindictive spells and rituals she performed – and he willingly donated a few locks of his hair. First Mistake. One glass soon led to one bottle, which then rapidly led to the mental state where any form of behaviour is acceptable. Second mistake.

As they stumbled out of their local watering hole they looked fondly upon a dumpster, heaping in gooey trash and miscellaneous unidentified items, it hit them, both simultaneously, fate beckoned them, urged them to enter. The Alice and Wonderland-y invitation simply could not be ignored. In unison they both ran towards the trash similarly to the way one runs towards a briefcase filled with diamonds. They leapt into their new found love bunker, wading through the diapers, old food, miscellaneous other unidentifiable items, and possible other bodies, grabbing desperately for the other as an anchor.

Third and fourth mistake.

Ripping each others clothes off they proceeded to let the night take them, which in this case was 4 and a half minutes of unprotected sex. Including foreplay.

Yes, the whole world is cringing.

But hey, no one really has a good first time.

After G was through, an epiphany dawned on him, “she performs witchcraft and I just gave her my hair.” In a moment of fine clarity, he turned to her and boldly went where no one ever should go.

“We’re done,” he said as he zipped up his pants, brushed off banana peels from his bare chest and walked away.

As the cold Cairo air sobered him up, he climbed into bed. Tossing and turning, he couldn’t sleep knowing that there was someone out there with his hair that believes in Voodoo.

Tossing and turning he couldn’t help but wonder, could this have been avoided?

To Be Continued.

Sweet Dreams World.

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