Some formerly affluent friends of mine are now struggling financially. See, the deluge of dumb money that once funded their film development companies has dried-up and instead of finding real jobs, they’ve turned to thievery to maintain their needlessly opulent lifestyles. Although, it’s not what one might expect. For instance, my friend Armando drives a brand new 7 Series BMW, but in it he also carries a sleeve of empty coffee cups from different establishments, this way he can get free refills wherever he goes. An old college trick that any derelict can pull off, but this ball-bag still managed to fuck it up, like when he confused a burger joint for a barista and brought his Wendy’s cup into Starbucks. My other friend Daniel owns a 2,200 sq. foot house in the Hollywood hills. Drowning in debt, he is frequently unable to make his monthly interest only payment on his ARM loan (at a “meager” 6.5%). Instead of taking on a roommate or doing something substantial to mitigate his monthly overhead, he opted to cancel his Internet service. Now, after successfully turning a Pepsi can into a parabola, he steals wireless Internet from his unsuspecting neighbor to save a whopping $60 each month (according to him, an aluminum parabola is efficient at catching parallel waves).

Lastly my ex-girlfriend, who once was a VP of Production at a major studio, steals hordes of “free” condoms from Planned Parenthood. No, she’s not a nympho; on the contrary, she’s a stilted bitch who despises intercourse. So, what does she do with 30,000 prophylactics? Well, with the help of some epoxy, glitter, and festive ribbons she “crochets” them into a holiday themed gift baskets and then sells them on eBay. These petty contrivances are an affront to ponzi schemers, tax evaders, corporate executives and everyone else that gives crime its laudable reputation. To me, if you’re going to break the law, do it with some class. Now, please excuse me, I see a baby with some candy…