Sex Ed for Republicans

(NSFW, if your work has a problem with reproductive biology and rough anatomical sketches. And if so, you should quit.)

Dear Right Wing,

Hi! Professional sex educator here, hoping to clear some things up. I know I’m the kind of sex educator you totally hate - the kind who believes in dumb commie things like accessible, affordable abortions for women who want them, medically accurate sex education that isn’t intentionally deceptive, universally available contraceptives, and protecting people’s (even sluts’!) reproductive health and rights in general - but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m thoroughly and scientifically educated about the nuances of sex and pregnancy, and most of you aren’t. You’re gonna have to trust that I might know a little bit more about this than you do, because it’s my job. After all, I don’t come down to the Senate floor and tell you how to best disenfranchise poor people.

It seems as if many members of your party, in addition to having impressively deplorable opinions about sexual assault, are a tad…misinformed about the basics of human reproduction. I know, it’s hard! What wise, all-knowing, powerful legislators wouldn’t be confused by ladies’ super confusing confusion holes? I teach sex ed to middle schoolers, so I’m pretty good at making this complicated icky vag stuff digestible for all education levels. I'ma break it down real simple-like for you (spoiler alert: rape CAN cause babies!).

Any time semen comes in contact with the vulva of a pre-menopausal person who possesses the necessary reproductive components (eggs, uterus, etc.), there is a possibility of pregnancy. Notice I said “vulva,” and not “vagina.” “Vulva” refers to all external parts of the female reproductive system: mons pubis (pube area), clitoris (clit/best organ on the human body), both sets of labia (lips), urethral opening (pee hole), vestibule (area surrounding the vaginal opening), vaginal opening (baby/menstrual blood/vaginal discharge/penis/finger(s)/sex toy hole), perineum (taint), and anus (butthole); while “vagina” refers specifically to the tube-like passageway between the cervix/uterus and the vaginal opening/vestibule/vulva.

[The Vulva: learn it, live it, love it!]

[The Vagina: it’s different than the vulva!]

Semen does NOT need to be, um, injected (sorry) deep into the vagina to cause pregnancy. If semen gets on the vulva and anywhere near the vaginal opening, sperm cells can swim up and cause pregnancy, using ever-present vaginal fluids to facilitate the journey (no, those “juices” don’t just miraculously “dry up” during rape). Sperm are tenacious, tunnel-visioned little fuckers focused entirely on finding and fertilizing an egg, and they’re really, really good at it. You don’t need to drop them off right at the uterus: if they’re in the general area, they’ll figure out how to get there or die trying. Sperm got Google maps n’ shit.

It’s important to note that eggs are viable for about a day after ovulation, and that sperm is viable up to SIX days inside a woman’s body. If ovulation occurs within one or two days before or six days after unprotected sex - any kind of unprotected sex, including but not limited to the rapey kind - pregnancy can happen. This is why it’s SO important to take the morning after pill (aka Plan B, Emergency Contraception, EC), which prevents ovulation, as immediately after unprotected sex as possible. (And this is also why we sex nerd types fight so hard for increased availability of EC: timing is crucial.) And no, for the last time, Emergency Contraception does NOT cause an abortion/harm an existing pregnancy, you daft troglodytes.

Nothing changes any of these facts: ANY TIME SEMEN COMES IN CONTACT WITH THE VULVA OF A REPRODUCTIVELY FUNCTIONING PERSON, PREGNANCY IS POSSIBLE. Even if the sex is consensual. Even if the sex is non-consensual. Even if the sex is legitimately non-consensual (and no, special “rape defense” secretions don’t exist). Even if a penis doesn’t go all the way in the vagina. Even if semen is introduced by fingers or sex toys or accidental acrobatic ejaculation. Even if you’re having anal sex (the anus and vaginal opening are neighbors, and it’s possible for semen to sneak out of your butthole and say “howdy do?” to your vulva). Even if you do it standing up, sitting down, backwards, frontwards, inside out, upside down, right side up, with the dog watching, or while eating lasagna. Even if a condom and/or other types of birth control are being used (no contraceptive is 100% effective). Even if you jump up and down afterwards, or douche, or bathe, or pray.

Even if you wish really, really hard that none of this is true.

Furthermore: people get raped every two minutes of every single hour of every single day. And some of those rapes result in pregnancy (five percent, as a matter of fact). Not wanting to admit this because it throws a hugeass wrench in your “if sluts don’t want to to be punished with precious miracle zygotes they should close their whorish legs” narrative doesn’t magically make rape pregnancies a figment of liberals’ imaginations. And if you, faced with annoying logic and science and facts, are forced to begrudgingly admit that rape pregnancies DO maybe sometimes occur, but you don’t get what the big whoop is because it’s, like, super totally rare so why is everybody still talking about this HEY LOOK OVER THERE! GAY MEXICANS BIRTH CERTIFICATES WAR ON CHRISTMAS!, allow me to introduce you to the startlingly empathetic idea of “one rape pregnancy is still too many rape pregnancies and defending that person’s bodily integrity is important even if she’s the only person in history to ever experience a rape pregnancy, which she’s not, but whatever.” It’s typically an easy sell for people who aren’t universally reviled asshole sociopaths. (Don’t click those links unless you’re into barf parties.)

It takes my 11 year-old students* about five minutes and a few hilariously adorable questions to thoroughly grasp these concepts. What’s your excuse? I know understanding basic reproduction is a lot to ask of powerful lawmakers who are responsible for crafting and passing legislation which directly impacts people’s ability to control said reproduction (and why are you doing that again?), but maybe try to go above and beyond on this one. It only affects every single American citizen’s life.

Catch up. You’re embarrassing yourselves.

*No, I don’t use swears when teaching kids, obvs. I am a fucking professional.