I’m not going to try and soup up this post, or be quippy, or make jokes, or use a bunch of glittery eloquent words to make this post seem more appealing, because in reality, this topic is never appealing.

Depression is not meant to make you feel good and encouraged about life, or closer to God. It’s dark and gross and dirty. It’s not picky about its victims–it plagues the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the Christian and the atheist. So many people have opinions about it and claim that they have it figured out, but in reality, it hasn’t been figured out, and it never will be.

❥ Depression is real. Depression is not always a “result” of something that can be blamed. Depression destroys–and I’m here to talk about it with you.

In this post, I’m going to get raw. It’s going to get sad, and probably uncomfortable.

Some of you may be familiar with my testimony, some of you may be shocked to read this. It doesn’t matter though–my only goal is to show that everyone has their seasons, and that you are not alone, nor is it wrong for you to struggle.

I wanted to start out by saying that God is good. He is always good, despite whatever we may be feeling, no matter what we are going through. Even in the areas of my life where I seemed to be at my darkest, God was still good then, and He never left my side.

The problem with depression is that a lot of the time, as you’re going through it, it will seem to cloud up your image of God and how good He really is, and sometimes, this becomes even the root of depression itself.

But I did not come on here to push off depression on not seeing God’s goodness.

Sometimes, it can’t be helped. Sometimes, there’s no reason to it at all.

There’s a reason I wanted to write on this topic today, and it’s something I’m very hesitant about. But I want you all to understand: I am so far from having it all figured out.

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been kind of MIA since my last post, and I’m going to be very honest with you: I was depressed.

I have a story to share with you, which is a large part of my personal testimony–

I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Not the kind of depression that had a legitimate reason (most of the time)–God has been so good to me all throughout my life. My parents were wonderful, they provided for our family together, and I never recall a time of being in need of anything. Really, I’ve lived a dream life, and I could never ask for anything better. But depression doesn’t care about your circumstances.

Life was good, but yet I still struggled.

I won’t get fully into what my struggles were (and some days, still are), but basically, they were along the line of things a lot of young girls struggle with every day.

I never felt good enough, for anyone.

I didn’t feel like I was good at anything. I felt like people didn’t want to be my friend. I felt boring. I thought I was ugly. I worried that I was annoying. I felt like I was stuck in a constant state of immaturity and this is all people thought of me.

There were things I struggled with in my life that I feared would never be able to be changed.

Why am I not good enough for this guy? While does this girl give me dirty looks when she’s never even talked to me? Why is everyone so mean to me? Why do I constantly disappoint my parents? Why do I keep failing God?

Why am I even alive?

My tendency to kick my own self while I’m down plays a major role in my struggle–I focused so much on where I went wrong that there was no room to see any of the ways I was doing alright.

In these moments where the devil is whispering lies in your ear, you seem to lose all sense. Even people who don’t struggle with depression or anxiety can be attacked in this way, and I watch it happen, all the time.

I don’t usually talk about my struggle with depression, out of fear of what others may think. Depression is made out to be shameful–and trust me, I’ve dealt a lot with being ashamed. My body is covered in scars. I shut down in “triggering” situations. I’ve attempted many times to hide the scars on my arms, with makeup, or long sleeves.

I’ve had people ask, “How did you get those?”, as I struggled to find a way to answer. I’ve dealt with shocked reactions. I’ve dealt with judgments. I’ve dealt with jokes, like, “What? Are you gonna go kill yourself now?”

I get told not to share my story–that it will cause more harm than good. That I will look as if I am attention seeking.

But this is what I’m going to say:

As I am exposing these sensitive issues to you, nothing is on my mind and heart but a burden for those of you who may be struggling, or have struggled with the same exact thing.

Depression is not normal, and should not be normalized, but unfortunately, it has become a common issue among people all over the world, especially in recent times, where people are no longer taking care of themselves they way they were intended to–physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I don’t have the answers–as I mentioned earlier, I still struggle with depression to this day.

When I woke up the day after my last post and saw that my phone was blowing up with very hateful and negative responses from those who I’ve never had the pleasure (sigh) of meeting, I can honestly say I felt like my world was closing in. I thought…what have I done? Why did I choose to expose myself in this way?

I had friends left and right asking if I knew what was being said about me online, some even sending me screenshots of the online bullying. Bullying by grown adults. People all over the world, stalking me and tearing apart my private life. People telling me that I was the one filled with hate, while destroying my name and reputation. Mocking me. Mocking my friends. Mocking my God.

And into the hole of depression I fell, once again. It was my own fault, for one reason, and one alone: I had chosen to find my value in the opinions of others, and not in my Creator. I ignored the wisdom of my authorities to not dwell on the hate, and to not allow myself to fall away from the spiritual high I felt from experiencing an amazing trip where God did amazing things.

But I was tired. I got lazy. I couldn’t find it in me to write any blog posts, or sing in church, or go out of my way to share Christ’s love with others. I stopped trusting God. I stopped believing that all things worked together for good.

As I’m coming out of the dark right now, I have to admit that I really have no business coming on here and offering you advice on how to stop, prevent, or overcome depression.

I know all the advice someone can offer, all the scripture, all the things I could be doing differently. I could even come on here and share them with you–but that’s not what I’m here for today.

❥ Only God can heal your depression.

We can always ask Him of this. Sometimes He will, and sometimes, He won’t.

We can ask Him to ease the pain, even just a little. Sometimes I’ve done this, and I felt immediate comfort. Other times, I’ve watched things get worse.

Angrily, I would question God. I would beg and plead with Him. Still, in that moment, nothing was offered.

But often, it takes these bouts of depression and grief to cause us to grow. Looking back, I can see every time He was comforting me, in ways that I could not see as it was happening.

But my biggest struggle always tended to be what you don’t usually expect when you think of depression.

It was the shame of even struggling in the first place.

A lot of times, we know and accept that God is always good. But our depression grows worse and worse as we dwell on the fact that it is us. That we are the problem. That we are ungrateful and unworthy.

As if depression is some kind of red flag that determines our worth, we let it eat us alive.

“My depression makes me unworthy.”

“I should be ashamed of myself.”

“I will never overcome this struggle.”

The overwhelming feelings that I had put me in a place where I no longer loved the things I used to love. I became exhausted, my patience and grace with others seemingly disappeared, and I struggled with being kind and sociable to anybody, and worst of all, I had compromised my relationship with God.

I read an analogy the other day about a cup.

You’re holding a cup filled with coffee, and someone bumps you, shaking up the cup. What comes out? Obviously, coffee.

Now if you were to have tea in the cup, and the same thing were to happen, you would have spilled tea.

What this means is that, whatever is inside the cup is going to spill out when things come along that shake it up. This is just like our lives. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

This is what happened to me, with my whole situation. My life was rattled by online attacks and bullying that I never really asked for, and what came out? Depression. And life continued to get rattled, left and right, with things in my real, personal life. I became, once again, the person I never wanted to be.

I feel sorry towards those who I hurt when I was hurting, but if I had ran to God and those who cared about me, rather than wallow in self pity & the pointless opinions of others, I never would have needed to be in that position.

But, I was in that position–and I had never felt more ashamed. Ashamed to be back in a place where I thought I would never return. A stronghold in my life that I believed I had overcome.

I’ve often described my depression as a thorn in my flesh–just as Paul talked about in 2nd Corinthians 12:

12:7b — “…there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.”

❥ These verses have always vividly captured my attention, even as a child. I spent a lot of time as I was younger, not comprehending why God wouldn’t just take away Paul’s thorn. I mean, Paul was a great man of God. He didn’t need it, nor did he really deserve it.

It wasn’t until I had grown up a little and experienced some things myself that I realized the importance of the verses that followed it.

12:8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

❥ He asked, and asked, and asked the Lord to take it away. Now, the Bible doesn’t specify what exactly the thorn in Paul’s flesh was, and from what I can tell, it doesn’t really appear to be depression (although, who knows? It could have been). But regardless, it was something. Something that caused him pain, and difficulty, and a struggle in his ministry.

But the beginning of verse 7 explains that Paul knew why it was given to him. Though it was clearly something he wanted taken away, he accepted God’s ultimate plan–“And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh…”

This “thorn” kept him humble. It kept his focus on the Holy of Holies. It was a reminder that without Christ, he was nothing.

Paul still called out to God to take it away though, and while he didn’t get what he asked for, in doing so, he received the greatest answer.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

❥ We find His strength in our weakness.

I’m pretty sure I’ve written on this verse before (and let’s be real, I probably will again, too.) but what I love about it is how many situations it can be applied to, and how well it fits, right here.

Our shame is not verified, for our weakness is the very thing that brings glory to our King.

Our depression does not make us a failure.

Our anxiety does not make us incapable.

Our weakness does not count us as unworthy.

It is all just the opposite.

God desires to use the people who struggle, who are hurting, who are going through or coming out of a valley. We are His chosen vessels. We are His messengers.

And sometimes, the pain becomes unbearable.

When it persists, we can find rest in Him. We can trust that one day, all of our tears will be wiped away, and our pain will disappear.

The thorn in our flesh with be tossed into the flames and God will make us whole.

So allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to feel the pain you are going through, and don’t let it destroy you. Not physically, not emotionally, and not spiritually.

You are not alone, and you are not wrong to struggle. Reach out when you are hurting. Reach out to those who are hurting. Let depression start a cycle of love, instead of allowing the devil to use it as a tool to take out Christians from the battle, left and right.

❥ 3 things I want you to remember:

God is always good. There is a purpose for your pain. Gratefulness can change your outlook on any situation.

I’m not an expert on depression, and I don’t know how to fix it. But I know Who can. Be sure to run to Him before running to pointless things. Medication won’t fix your problem. Self harm only brings harm. You are better off here, on earth, alive.

I pray that you will find rest at His feet + allow God to make something beautiful out of your pain. You never know who is going to need your testimony.

Prayers + love, sisters.

⛅️

𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐢 ❀ 𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐬 𝟑:𝟐𝟎

** If you are genuinely struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, and are looking for help, whether it be just as simple as needing a friend, or if you are in danger and/or considering taking your life, please never hesitate to reach out.

I would love to talk with you, you can reach me through my Facebook, or if you are searching for deeper help, a suicide hotline can be contacted at 1-800-273-8255.