An unnamed member of Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s staff leaked to the press Jindal’s usual unusual contractual requirements for his myriad appearances around the country.

The staffer mentioned the list of strange demands is a standard contract rider included in all agreements between the governor and whoever is desperate enough to invite him to help champion their cause.

“Staff is to refer to him only as Mr. President. Eye contact and muffled laughter is strictly forbidden.”

Among the things Jindal insists upon before making a commitment to appear before groups of people blissfully ignorant of how atrocious a leader he’s been are:

“a generous suspension of disbelief”

“Staff is to refer to him only as Mr. President. Eye contact and muffled laughter is strictly forbidden.”

“2 pounds of M&Ms (NO BROWN ONES)”

“a dwarf who constantly follows Jindal and tells him every 10 minutes, ‘You’re the smartest, most awesome person on the planet. You’ll be the best president in American history.'”

“assorted chocolate candies (WHITE CHOCOLATE ONLY)”

“a 3′ x 4′ portrait of a nude Grover Norquist in the hotel bathroom”

“a hotel mirror that declares him snow white and tells him he’s the fairest-skinned of them all”

“Any appearances taking place in the state of Louisiana will be conducted via remote.”

When asked for comment on the purported list of requisite items, Jindal replied, “I’ve been known from time to time to enjoy a brown M&M or two.”