Married in the Salt Lake City Temple

I was born and raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, more commonly known as the LDS church or just ‘Mormons.’ I was a believing, practicing member for the better part of 25 years. Three years ago, I made the difficult decision to leave. This did not happen overnight, and it was not an easy choice. This is my story.

My family was loving and very active in the LDS Church. We went to church every week, virtually without exception. All told I doubt I missed church more than a dozen times during my upbringing. As a family, we read scriptures and prayed regularly. It was never really a question; God existed, prayer was real, and the Church was true.

Naturally, when I was old enough, I served a two year mission for the Church. I was sent to west Texas. While there, I spent nearly every waking moment studying, preaching, and spreading the gospel as I understood it. Soon after returning home I met Cami and we were married in the Salt Lake City Temple. Both strong believers, both committed to the church.

This was a wonderful time in my life, but it was also stressful. My wife and I got married on a three day weekend while I was working full-time and going to school. I remember having my first full blown panic attack trying to catch up after the wedding. It was then that I discovered that, in addition to ADHD and depression, I had developed an anxiety disorder. This is when one of my major doubts began to grow.

In the LDS faith it is believed that you can come to know truth through personal revelation. That the spirit of God can speak to you through thoughts and feelings. Many Mormons describe that they know the Book of Mormon is true because of feelings that they attribute to the Holy Spirit. As someone who suffers from mental disorders that impact how I feel, I had learned not to trust feelings in this way. Furthermore, I had learned through treatment that medication and exercise can impact feelings tremendously. How then could I trust feelings as a valid means of discerning truth? A panic attack is real, but the fears and stress that cause them are often not based in an objective reality.

By the time I was 25, I started to express concerns about my doubt. I wanted to believe everything I was taught growing up, but found this to be harder than just wishing it to be true. I wrote a lengthy Facebook post in December of 2014 about faith and knowledge. I concluded the post saying “I have, in my life been seemingly and simultaneously in a state of both doubt and belief. I identify with the father in the New Testament when he exclaimed. “Lord I believe, help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)

I recall at this time fearing what life might be like if I didn't believe. What purpose does life have without God? Can I be a good person? Would my wife leave me if I left my religion? What will my family think? I prayed constantly to have the faith necessary to believe; none came.

As life continued, my doubts began to multiply. This was frustrating because I had always viewed belief as a choice. Yet, here I was, wanting to believe but seriously doubting. In July of 2015, I sent a letter to my family and a few friends detailing my uncertainty. In addition to personal revelation, I began having concerns with the atonement, faith, literalism, and social issues. I made clear in the letter that I desired to believe but seemed unable. For better or worse, I was losing my religion.

“The more I learn in life the more I know I don’t know… I used to say “I know God lives.” Slowly that became “I believe God lives.” Next, “I hope he lives” and finally “if he does, I don’t know him…” I am not actively opposed to religion or the church, I have just lost my faith. I don’t see the reason(logic) in it. I don’t see evidence. I don’t actively disbelieve, I simply don’t see reason to believe other than wishing it were true. That is not enough for me.” (Excerpt from “An Open Letter to Friends and Family”)

I had gone through great pains in that letter to express that my troubles with doctrine did not stem from being offended, a desire to sin, laziness, or anti-Mormon literature. Yet, many still assumed this was the case. I had one friend at the time say, “If you were to leave the Church behind, and the scriptures, and all your gospel knowledge and understanding, I imagine your life would become very empty.”

For a while, it seemed that he might have been right, at least in part. I lost friends, felt ostracized, and had little self-confidence. I fell into a deep depression; it was hard. Looking back, I don’t recall actually feeling like life was empty or that life had no purpose without God. Rather, I just felt lonely. Though she continued going to church, my wife Cami stuck by me; so did my family in general. I felt alone despite not actually being alone.

I spent many hours in therapy dealing with depression and anxiety. As is often the case, things got better with time. Cami and I found ourselves having more open and honest conversations about what we believed. Where we disagreed, we discovered the beauty in respecting each other. I especially enjoy when we discover or decide together the right thing for our family rather than determine what the Church says is the right thing for our family. Consequently, we grew closer.

There were some tough days. I remember one night when our daughter was having trouble sleeping. I went in to comfort her and she wanted to pray to God for comfort. I remember that being a tough moment. While I did assist her in praying, I felt a great deal of jealously. After all, I’m her father. I want her to come to me, not God, when she needs comfort.

Three years later, I can confidently say that leaving the church behind did not leave my life empty in the least bit. In many ways my life has become more meaningful. As it turns out, I can still be a good person without God. Cami did not leave me and my family still loves me. All my fears had been misplaced. By leaving the Church I was able to exchange my false knowledge for true and sincere questions. I am able to accept that there are many things I do not know, and not just when it comes to God. I am less prone to judge others. I learned to find meaning in everyday life. I have lost my religion. Despite the ups and downs of leaving, I am better for it.

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