The new 2013 WFTDA minimum skills have been announced to much panic from Fresh Meat all around the world. Don’t panic, though, we’ve got them covered.

Here is an exhaustive list of teh skillz which are required to pass minimums.

1. Tapdancing on skates. Five minutes to a song of your choice. All eight wheels must be off the floor at all times.

2. Skating backwards whilst juggling three giraffes, maintaining form and balance. Crossovers must be demonstrated.

3. Cartwheeling across the straight in three even movements without stopping or crying and pushing off evenly with each ear, coming to a stop directly in the centre of her head.

4. Jumping, on both hands at least seven times. Jumping on left hand and right hand around each apex.

5. Demonstrate weaving in between a pace line of skaters whilst holding a tray of beers.

6. Skater assumes derby stance – low to the ground with legs bent, chest wide, back straight, head on backwards, fashionable shade of lipstick and/or eye shadow, arms in the dying swan position. Skater alternates between smooth and even arm movements and the Funky Chicken. Forwards and backwards and upside down.

7. Skater must demonstrate effective use of Facebook and or Twitter as a medium to complain about/celebrate all derby related activity to a largely disinterested and or confused audience.

8. Skater can bake a decent chocolate brownie with enough portions to feed all team mates and trainers, including examiners who shall receive larger portions.

9. Skater must demonstrate ability to take heavy blocks to the ego following terrible scrimmage. Use of effective recovery techniques such as gin or beer. This should be demonstrated both solo and in a pack situation.

10. Demonstrate use of a plow stop to stop another skater without breaking ankles or creating skittle effect.

11. Skater demonstrates ability to switch between all positions quickly and smoothly and without stumbling including: helicopter arms, ungainly giraffe, Bambi on ice, drunken monkey and spitting llama*.

12. Skater demonstrates ability to knit stripey derby socks whilst skating backwards round corners on one leg. With one hand.

13. Demonstrate effective three point turn. Turning the skater around on the track using three toes only, without stopping, and without causing an obstruction to other toes.

14. Skater maintains balance on one skate, without additional push, at a speed equivalent to a chartered jet plane. Must transition from one foot to another without decreasing speed, although clown nose is optional.

15. Skater must create a puddle of piss at the top apex on falling, no smaller than a 10 cent coin and no larger than a wok.

*Spitting llama is an advanced position and for minimum skills it is only expected that a skater can perform this manoeuvre in one direction although both directions score extra points.

Composed by the Liverpool Roller Birds Hatchlings and compiled by me (shameless plug…you can buy my book here – please do, I’m saving up for a set of new skates!)

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