Opinion: I Will Explain Marxism to the Coronavirus and Then It Will Be on Our Side

Listen up you capitalist dogs! We’ve been looking at this whole pandemic thing all wrong. Sure, right now the coronavirus is a seemingly unstoppable global crisis, but consider what it could be if it were allied with the proletariat. What if it could help us claim co-operative ownership over the means of production? That’s why I will explain Marxist philosophy to the coronavirus and together we will finally overthrow the capitalist ruling class.

This goes without saying but I’m totally not doing this because my parents stopped paying my credit card bills and I’m wracking up debt by the hour. All these ironic protest outfits are really expensive, okay?

The idea first came to me when I got laid off from my job at Sunoco in late 2019. The coronavirus wasn’t a thing yet but I still got to thinking, fuck these ruling class pigs who are willing to fire an honest, hard-working laborer just because he passed out huffing lighter fluid behind the cigarette counter/employee break-fort. We gotta take the bourgeoisie down somehow and diseases don’t take sides in a class war.

That said, the upper class does inherently have better access to healthcare. But that’s all the more reason why we need to get the virus on our side.

To those asking how we plan to communicate with an acute respiratory infection that doesn’t have access to language, let alone the high-minded rhetoric required to understand class consciousness, we say, “shut up you elitist scum!” That’s exactly what the bourgeoisie puppet masters said to isolate us from comrade COVID in the first place.

I will seek out the coronavirus and explain Marxist philosophy to it so we can finally put an end to social stratification in this country. Until then, if anybody can spot me a few bucks for Amazon Prime I will totally pay you back once the feudalistic paymasters have been eradicated.