Hello MetalSucks readers! I realize that most of you don’t know who I am, so I figured I’d take some time to tell you and maybe shed some light on the subject of why I’ve been asked to write a few fun pieces for all of your enjoyment.

My name is Bobbi Starr and I am a girl who over the past three and a half years has made a living off of all of you who buy pornography and blow your loads to the site of my asshole being impaled by the giant members of pornography legends such as Lexington Steele, and I thank you for that.

Now, those who steal porn off of bit torrent and tube sites: shame on you, and I just might hunt you down, cut your wiener off, put it on a post and do a little, non-sexual, dance, ridding you of all porno-steeling-desires. Granted, at this point you would be without a penis, but you should of thought of that before you stole my porno.

I’m just kidding. In reality, I’d probably tell you that you are a very bad boy, and then suck you off.

Anyway, back to metal. Some of you may know, I’ve pretty much always been a music nerd, and therefore a fan of the ye ol’ metal. I think those important people at MetalSucks picked up on this and thought, “We should get this chick to write nasty things for our website! That would be awesome!” I love delving into the dark, slimy depths of the music world, and sinking my teeth into some crunchy metal bands. It may be an acquired taste for many, but I must admit that I constantly find myself craving more of those down-tuned riffs and growling vocals.

Not only is it my desire to explore the music of each band, but also my primal urge to become intimately acquainted with the nether regions of all of the band members as a whole. So, I figured, what the hell, why not make a list of the top ten metal bands that I’d like to get gangbanged by? Maybe I’ll get lucky and one of them will come through for me.

And so, in no particular order…

The Dillinger Escape Plan – Who could resist a bunch of cute boys running amok on stage, screaming at the top of their lungs? Just the fact that they are one of the defining bands in the style known as “mathcore” piques my interest, and their intensely driving rhythms fill my mind with fantasies of having them tie me down and ravage my body like wild hyenas tearing apart their prey. It certainly doesn’t hurt to know that they once collaborated with Mike Patton, the genius/lunatic behind Mr. Bungle and front-man for Faith No More. Isis – As a formally trained musician, I am always attracted to those who are artistic and talented, and Isis is one of the most musical and talented bands I’ve heard in a long time. They can get me warmed up with a little music theory banter before fucking me in odd meters. Mastodon – My developing interest in metal has been accompanied by an appreciation for Southern boys, and Mastodon is comprised of nothing but sexy Southern boys. Of course I dig their music, too, but I can’t help fantasizing about feeling those healthy Southern beards against my naked flesh. Iwrestledabearonce – Speaking of Southerners… this band of Louisianians throws a foxy front-woman into the mix, and I’d love to fuck a girl who screams like Krysta Cameron while we both get our asses pummeled by Southern boys. I assume they would fuck much the same way they play music – hard, with frequent changes in pace and position. The Black Dahlia Murder – I have a nostalgic connection to this particular band. I witnessed The Black Dahlia Murder way back in 2005, when I was in attendance at Ozzfest. That was actually the band’s first major tour. I hope to one day be victimized by them, but not in the morbid way that their name suggests. Pig Destroyer – As much as these guys rock, this wouldn’t technically be a gangbang since they only operate as a quartet. However, seeing how well they function musically in this format, I’m sure they could hold their own as a Starr-fucking team. Meshuggah – Meshuggah definitely grooves hard with deep riffs and driving rhythms, but what really appeals to me is the fact that they’re Swedish… damn I love foreigners… Slayer – C’mon, it’s fuckin’ Slayer! They’re old school and still killing it. I can still get down to Reign in Blood any day of the week. Everyone knows they fucking rock, and if they want to have their way with me, it shall be so. Neurosis – These guys have been representing the Bay Area since the mid-80s. Sure, I’m from the South Bay, but I certainly like to get down with some of those hard Oakland boys every once in a while. In an unexpected twist, one of their members is an elementary school teacher and another is in charge of the music for the Shakespeare festival. I dig nerdiness. Suffokate – Oakland strikes again! Sure, I like this band, but the main feature that got them onto my gangbang list is the three-inch plugs in the singer’s ears. I want to fist his ear lobes so, so bad. I hope I get that chance… someday…

There you have it – the top ten metal bands that should get off their asses and come have fun with me in LA. What the hell are they waiting for?!?!

-BS

Visit Bobbi Starr on MySpace and Facebook. You can also follow her on Twitter. Her new site, BobbiStarr.com, is coming soon!