Wake up, America! Sitting all day is killing you. It’s time to switch to a standing desk. PHOTOGRAPH BY JETTA PRODUCTIONS VIA GETTY

Wake up, America! Sitting all day is killing you. That’s why I switched to a standing desk, and you should, too.

According to an important WebMD article that my friend Tony described to me, every minute you spend sitting shaves several years off your life.

Fact: the average person sits for more than nineteen hours a day.

Fact: sitting for long stretches interferes with your body’s production of an enzyme called L.P.L., which you need or something.

Fact: even regular exercise isn’t enough to counteract the damage from all this sitting, meaning that regular exercise is stupid and pointless. (I don’t exercise.)

Fact: if you were to remain seated for the amount of time it takes to read this article, you would develop Type 2 diabetes long before reaching the end.

Indeed, sitting has been called the new smoking. The only difference is that smoking looks cool and is a great way to meet people and isn’t actually that bad for you. (I smoke.) Sitting, on the other hand, looks ridiculous and shameful—like you’re afraid to admit exactly how tall you are—and is terrible for you. The human body simply wasn’t meant to be folded up for long stretches, like a sad pretzel. It was meant to be held ramrod-straight at all times, like a noble pretzel stick.

I was once a standing-desk skeptic, too. But, after I made the switch four days ago, I could immediately sense a difference in how I felt: way more self-righteous.

At a standing desk, your metabolism will increase. (That numb feeling in your feet is your body burning calories.) You will soon be able to eat whatever you want, whenever you want it. You can even mash a bunch of Pringles into a big ball and then snack on the Pringle ball throughout your workday. (This is what I do.)

I used to get home from work totally exhausted. Now I’m brimming with energy. Instead of collapsing onto the couch, I pace my apartment all night long, in ever-tightening circles. I simply cannot sleep knowing that there are still people out there using traditional sitting desks!

Their resistance baffles and enrages me, because switching to a standing desk isn’t hard at all. You simply leap to your feet—preferably during an office-wide meeting—and yell, “I’m making an important life-style change because I value my health, even if everyone else is too cowardly to do the same!” Next, get yourself a standing desk and use it. It’s that simple, folks. Heck, some standing-desk models can even convert to sitting desks when needed. Which is never.

I know what you’re thinking: Won’t I look strange if I’m the only one in my office standing up to work? Not as strange as you’ll look when you keel over dead at your computer from a lethal combination of sciatica and weak calves. Look around you and you will likely notice that several of your co-workers have already died this way.

Still need convincing? Consider this: in the nineteenth century, everyone used standing desks. In case you don’t know your history, the nineteenth century was a great century that didn’t have any problems. It wasn’t until the modern era that the tyranny of sitting was imposed upon us by nefarious corporate forces. That’s right, I’m talking about Big Office Chair. Day in, day out, chair factories pump pollution into the air and water, just to manufacture sedentary death machines. With a standing desk, you don’t even need a chair. That’s better for the environment, which is another thing you can be smug about.

Do yourself a favor and take a moment to think about who stands up: George Washington (to the British); hilarious comedians who hold a mirror up to society; Bob Marley. Now think about who sits: Caligula on his throne; Jabba the Hutt; men at strip clubs; dogs. Which group would you rather belong to?

For me, the choice was easy. Until somebody describes a WebMD article that changes my mind, I will use a standing desk. In a few months, I even plan to switch to a treadmill desk, which is a great way to prepare for eventually using a swimming desk. By this time next year, I will hopefully be dangling from a ceiling-mounted rock-climbing desk, my body swollen to twice its original size from all the extra L.P.L. I’m producing.

Unfortunately, by this time next year—unless you’ve made the switch from sitting to standing—you will almost certainly be dead.