CHICAGO—Describing it as a common nightly ritual for tens of millions of Americans nationwide, a report published Thursday in The American Journal Of Sociology revealed that 84 percent of married individuals get out of bed and head to their second family’s home as soon as their spouse falls asleep. “The vast majority of subjects we studied lied motionless in bed each night and waited until the very moment their husband or wife drifted off to sleep, at which point they silently slipped out from under the covers and then drove straight to a home occupied by another romantic partner and several other sons and daughters who they’ve also raised since birth,” said study co-author Anthony Copeland, who noted that within the first 60 seconds of dozing off at night, the typical American’s spouse was already out the front door and on their way to visit a second, entirely separate set of loved ones. “After gingerly placing the blanket back in its place, tiptoeing down the stairs, and slowly backing out of the driveway to avoid making any noise, married Americans will typically spend all night with this other family that they deeply cherish and show great affection toward, before ultimately returning and slipping back into bed moments before their first spouse wakes up and rolls over.” Copeland added that in nearly every case, the families that spouses sneak off to visit at night consist of far more attractive partners and better-behaved children who live in much nicer, more expensive homes.

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