ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candidate Jill Stein. “I have to admit, I voted for Stein because she was literally the only one on there I’d even heard of,” said Lawson, who mentioned that the other names he saw “looked almost like fake names” to him. “I feel kind of bad, since I’m sure they all fought hard campaigns to get on the ballot. But looking at those names—Mitt Romney? Joe Biden?—I’m sorry, but I just have no idea who any of them are or what they stand for. In the end, I had to go with Jill. I know her.” Lawson then went on to tell reporters it was a shame how, every election, the list of non–Green Party candidates on the ballot was always “just a bunch of weird, no-name losers.”


Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.