Idiot occasionally talks about “The Wife“, and I’ve collected some of those bits here for today’s post. Let’s learn about life with the wife…

(in the middle of some conversation about who the fuck knows what…)

Idiot: “We have to pour warm water over the cat’s dry food.”

Rat-Boy: “Why?”

Idiot: “The cat has no teeth.”

Rat-Boy: “WHAT??”

Idiot: “The cat had some kind of infection that messed up it’s mouth. It cost 2000 dollars to have the teeth removed by a vet. It was either that or put it down.”

(I still hate you, but kudos for doing a nice thing for the cat)

Rat-Boy: “That’s really expensive. I couldn’t afford to spent that kind of money on a sick cat.”

Idiot: “It’s The Wife’s cat, and 2000 dollars is nothing. I easily spend that much on one weekend trip, plus booze and food.”

(And… now you’re a loudmouth douche again. Actually, I would have believed it if you just said booze and food)

Rat-Boy: “I don’t have that kind of money to throw around.”

Idiot: “That’s why I have a happy wife.”

(ahhhhh, it’s the money… knew there had to be something keeping her from leaving)

(middle of some stupid conversation between Idiot and his lackeys…)

Idiot: “I just picked up event tickets for The Wife and her friends. The show was almost sold out.”

Hyena: “Concert?”

Idiot: “Nah, they’re for Thunder Down Under.”

Hyena: “What the hell is that?”

Idiot: “Male strippers.”

Hyena: “Seriously? Is that from around here?”

Idiot: “Nah, it’s usually in Vegas but they’re on tour. It’s a big production. They’re HUGE down there!”

(PHRASING!)

Idiot: “She wanted a girls night out and asked me to get the tickets.”

(I bet she does! It must be a treat to look at some hot guys for a change. Even looking at some guys who can see their own penis without using a mirror would be a nice change for The Wife!)

(middle of stupid casual conversation between Idiot and his boss…)

Idiot: “These girls move to the city and think if they take one birth control pill then they’re safe. But we all know how those cycles work!”

(Are you seriously telling your female boss that young women don’t know how their menstrual cycles work, but that you d0? Fucking meathead…)

Idiot: “People with kids seem miserable. They don’t have anything for themselves. Their whole life is just about their kids.”

(We’re not all lucky enough to have cats with no teeth as a proxy for human babies…)

Idiot: “Crying babies are so annoying! I can’t stand it when I’m at a restaurant or out in public and I have to listen to that. I like my peaceful life!”

(So do I! So please SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAT WHINING BABY-MAN!!! I want my peaceful work life back!)

Boss-Lady: “So what would you do if your wife got pregnant?”

Idiot: “I’d feel TERRIBLE after I pushed her down the stairs! HA! HA! HA!”

(middle of conversation between Idiot and his lackeys about his recent trip…)

Idiot: “The Wife spends WAY more than she makes. We spent a ton of cash in Niagara.”

Hyena: “On what?”

Idiot: “Food, booze, hotel. The place we stayed had a hot tub in the room. It was awesome!”

Hyena: “Aren’t those things dirty?”

Idiot: “Nah, it’s fine. We loved it. It was kind of annoying when we were in bed. I kept bumping the control that turned the hot tub on.”

(ugh… please stop talking about yourself in a hot tub or in bed… nobody wants any part of those images in their head)

Hyena: “Did you stay in Niagara for the whole trip?”

Idiot: “Nah, we drove up to Quebec after that. Funny story… I was talking to some French guy who also spoke English. I have a French last name, and when I told him that my family doesn’t speak any French, that made perfect sense to him!”

Hyena: “Huh?”

Idiot: “People in Quebec know that the rest of Canada is trying to get rid of French. So when I told him that nobody in my family knows French, he gets it.”

Hyena: “OK.”

Idiot: “I think the Canadian government should have to pay reparations to all the people in Canada who have French family names but don’t know how to speak French any more.”

Hyena: “Your wife has your family name now. Should she get something?”

Idiot: “Why not? She’s Irish Catholic. That should be close enough.”