Spider-Man is one of the most beloved and adored superheroes the world has to offer, but these radioactive bootleg figures take the classic character from amazing to awful.

Every trip through the action figure black market reveals something new and terrible. This time around, I was entranced by webslinging horrors that resembled Spider-Man and more than a few real spiders too. With great power comes great responsibility, and you have the power to turn away right now. If you decide to continue on, you're responsible for the ill fate that awaits you.

1. Spider-Moto

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I can't think of many reasons for Spider-Man to need a motorcycle, and I can't think of any reasons it would be a chromed blue and gold monster like this one. Did Booster Gold jump to the Marvel universe recently and nobody told me? Then again, this Spider-Man looks like a pudgy 9 year old, so he probably shouldn't be driving anyway. At least the paint is good, right? Right? Guys? The paint looks so good.

2. Black and Blew

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Let's get this straight. These toys absolutely blow. They are miserable and embarassing hunks of misshaped plastic (or more accurately, lead). But they sure look fantastic. I would love to see a flat black Doc Oc with gold arms and some sort of mystic eyeball growing out of one side. And this armored two-tone spiderman has loops on his shoulders! Why didn't someone think of that awesome costume tweak until now!?! I guess in the "Zury" world of Spider-Man crotch-rocket gangs, these guys run the streets, so we probably shouldn't mock them.

3. Spider-Mange

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Whatever you do, don't let this figure near your beloved pets. They will get mange. Hell, you might even get mange! This white flakey plastic growth is incredibly similar to the stuff that has affected a number of Mattel figures over the last few years. It's great to know that the world's leading manufacturer of toys is using the same poisonous dumpster plastic as the cheapest bootleggers in Mexico. Give em hell (and Mange), Mattel!

4. Al Ataque Mis Spider-Man

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I don't speak Spanish, so I'm going to assume that "al ataque mis super heroes" translates to "shirtless superheroes wearing jeggings who are rocking out at a concert and got a wicked bad sunburn." I just looked online, and that translation checks out.

5. Frankenspidey

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I have no idea what is going on here... Much like the bolts sticking out of Frankenstein's neck, this Spider-Man seems to have "growths" extending out of his knees... If you can stop looking at his mysterious legsticles, take a gander at his left hand. It's such a beautifully sculpted piece, real toy manufacturers could learn a thing or two from this fellow. The latest reports from Mattel are that legsticles will be making their way into all future Masters of the Universe Classics figures as a special bonus for subscribers. Classic Mattel move.

I hope you made it through today's amazing and spectacular look at Spider-Man bootleg figures. If you managed to crawl your way through, you've witnessed some of Stan Lee's worst nightmares. I only have one thing left to say to the venomous villains who produced this carnage...

Knock it off.