This just in: “toxic masculinity hurts our sex lives.” Whose sex lives? We’re not sure. But somewhere on earth, there are at least two people whose sex lives are being hurt by [insert dramatic pause] toxic masculinity. Let’s investigate.

Suzannah Weiss of Bustle explains that this threat to our sex lives is happening because “when people are held to gendered expectations in the bedroom, everyone misses out on being their authentic selves and connecting with their partners’ authentic selves.” This sounds serious. If only all those men who’ve been forced by society into being big, bad, “toxic” sex-monsters — stomping around waving their penises in the air with one hand and grabbing the butts of passing women with the other — were allowed to be their “authentic selves,” they’d suddenly put their penises away, give back all the butts they’d grabbed, and start discussing their emotions and giving each other mani/pedis. So let’s learn more.

Sex educator Anne Hodder says, “Toxic standards of masculinity rob masc-identifying people of the right to safely express themselves as they see fit.” (For you unenlightened non-feminist human organisms who might be reading this, masc-identifying does not mean thinking you’re a facial covering often worn on Halloween. It’s actually a made-up word meaning identifying as a man.) Apparently, sometimes people who identify as men may want to be women when it comes to sex. Which would probably make them women. Which would mean they’re not “masc-identifying.” But that’s okay, because this is feminism, not real life. Stay with us please, this is serious.

Hodder also informs us that “toxic masculine stereotypes dramatically limit the ways people of all genders can safely express their sexuality — especially POC, sex workers, transgender people, and gender non-conforming folx.” That really does say “folx.” I know because I looked it up to make sure it wasn’t a typo and apparently it’s a “gender-neutral collective noun used to address a group of people.” As opposed to the word “folks” which means… a “gender-neutral collective noun used to address a group of people.” The letters “k” and “s” have genders now, try to keep up.

Weiss explains that one way toxic masculinity hurts our sex lives is that it “makes men insecure about their penises.” These poor men, wandering around, worried they might not have penises. I had no idea. I thought only feminists made men feel that way, not toxic masculinity too! We’ve got to learn more.

“One major tenet of toxic masculinity,” says Weiss, “is that sex revolves around a penis and men’s sexual value lies in what their penises can do.” Sex revolves around a penis… I wonder which penis it is, and how we find it. But Weiss is quick to point out that “Most women don’t orgasm through penile thrusting.” So, if men just stop thrusting their penises will our sex lives be saved? (Probably not, if you think about it.) Also, I feel that if I never have to hear the phrase “penile thrusting” ever again I will be very grateful. Moving on.

Toxic masculinity also dissuades men from “doing anything that could be interpreted as feminine” in the bedroom, and this stops them “from pursuing sex or relationships with anyone other than cis women.” So, if men were able to be more feminine in the bedroom, they might be able to have sex with lesbians — which I know is something men really want to do — so that seems important.

All in all, toxic masculinity seems like a very serious threat to at least three — or maybe even four — people and therefore warrants a great deal of mass hysteria and perhaps even a fair amount of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Thank goodness this threat has been exposed before anyone started thrusting their penises or doing anything else equally toxic which might result in heterosexual sex or any number of other horrific crimes against feminism. Because we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Over and out.