May as well get this doozie out of the damn way. Every new year I think or say “Come at me [insert year here] but when the clock struck midnight (LOL prob 930pm, lets be real) on January 1 this year I was like ok ok please be nice 2019! 2018 sucked a huge one. HUGE.

At 37 weeks pregnant with baby 2, Vayda, I went in for a routine check up at my former OBGYN and they could not locate a heartbeat. Let me preface this with a week prior to this I took myself to the hospital for severe pain in my lower abdomen….like I couldn’t stand upright or walk. I didn’t even call my OB bc any time I complained about this they blew me off. After what felt like eternity of searching with the doppler they sent me back out to the WAITING ROOM to wait on a sono. I was there solo with Harlow. Let me say this again…the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat and they sent me and my toddler to the waiting room. W T F. As if they couldn’t fuck up more they then get me in to the sono room and the tech says “what did you do!?!” when she notices there is no blood flow on the screen. Oh okay. SO WE’RE GONNA PLACE BLAME HERE NOW?! Gee Karen, if I fucking knew don’t you think I would have said something was off? I did OTF that AM and everything was normal to my knowledge. *NOBODY COME AT ME FOR EXERCISING…thats a whole other post* I noticed she started slowing down movement the Sunday before (this is Tuesday 7/17 now) but shrugged it off to her running out of space and almost being done. Looking back that was my mom gut kicking in. Should have rang the alarms like I wanted to but my shitty OB treatment made me second guess myself. DO NOT MAKE MY MISTAKE. LISTEN TO YOUR MOM GUT.

I wish I was making this shit up y’all, but if you stick around long enough here you will learn that nonsense like this is just how shit rolls for me. Fuckery. Always & forever.

I was in shock and Brock got there as fast as he could. Instead of flipping the fuck out I went into crisis autopilot. ‘What needs to be done now?’ was my first question. Fun fact: they give you the option to stay with child as long as you want. Literally they were like ‘well whenever you’re ready we can get you to the hospital and start inducing’. Uhhhh ok. So RIGHT NOW was my choice.

It took 33 of the longest hours of my life to deliver her. Cervix of steel over here. Can’t eye roll that enough. I was high as a kite for a lot of this but every single detail will forever be with me. On July 19, 2018 she was born perfectly normal at 6lbs 4oz looking just like her sister. Thankfully I pushed for 15min instead of three damn hours like Harlow. The only obvious thing was some skin shedding off of her due to being stuck in me for so long after things went wrong. No obvious cord injuries. No deformities. NOTHING. We opted out of a full autopsy (they basically ask you to accept or decline this the second you’re admitted…because yeah sure lets make that decision now) but let them run it on the placenta/cord. Literally NO ANSWERS. Nothing wrong with me or her, except she just didn’t make it.

To answer some questions that I would have had:

Yes you get to see/hold the baby and take pictures for as long as you want. You just have to make sure they stay warm enough. Bet you didn’t know these things exist: Caring Cradle I didn’t have one but it would have been helpful.

Yes I had her cremated and she’s chillin’ in our living room. You’d never know it unless I pointed it out, so calm down. I’ve buried enough people to know I wouldn’t have made it to a gravesite (sorry Nic LOL) regularly.

You can buy urns on Amazon. #Protip

Stillbirths occur approx every 1 in 100 pregnancies. WHY is this not a bigger issue discussed at 3rd trimester appts?!

You get a certificate of fetal death but no birth certificate. No tax break there even though you shelled out all the cash for L&D and then some. Yeah I asked, why are you surprised LOL.

Yes the doctor fought me and did not want to prescribe any anxiety meds, basically treated me like a crack head searching for pills when I asked. REAL CUTE. I eventually got a whopping 25mg of Zoloft cleared.

Yes I spoke with an attorney and did not get representation basically due to the binding arbitration I signed with my provider and shitty (like REAL shitty, “OB check”) notes by the multitude of doctors I saw at that practice.

Placenta autopsy did note one odd thing; 2 vessel cord on one side and 3 on the other. Would not be linked directly to the demise though.

Yes I immediately left that practice and started interviewing others. I will gladly provide the name of who I left to anyone that inquires via email.

Harlow has never spoken about this, nor have we explained it. Fingers crossed that she was just too young to figure out WTH was going on or why mommy was on an IV of wine for the following year. We always talked about the baby and I was as big as a house but to this day she’s never mentioned a thing. I’m kinda ok with it this way, for now at least.

There was a whole tribe of people involved in this. People came to visit even though I wanted otherwise, brought me dry shampoo & fixed my tragic face, watched Harlow & the dogs, helped me research urns, you name it…it was handled. The nursing staff was beyond incredible. The amount of horror these women had to deal with that day from my case alone is unreal. I cannot thank everyone that reached out, helped, sent things, etc. enough. You really don’t know how big your tribe is until something like this hits. I am forever grateful.

Fast forward to today: just got home from my 20 week checkup with Nixon. He’s due 3/7 but will be a February baby for sure. Everything is very ‘normal’ and easy…so far. More details on my high risk geriatric bullshit later. This better be the rainbow at the end of a long ass storm. JUST SAYING.

This took 3 days to write because every time I tried to knock it out my face looked like I ate bad fish. LOL. But its October and infant loss awareness month annnnnnd I know some people want to know the whole story. I would. So forgive me if its jumbled or not the laugh you came here for today. Unfortunately keeping it real means including the bad stuff too. Promise I’ll be back to my snarky shit soon enough. Drink one or six for me mmmmk?

-Amanda

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