Let’s face it: this was a tough week for Democrats, none of which was our fault. The orange man is making fun of us for not being able to count the votes from the Iowa caucuses (as though that’s the Democrats’ fault!), and he is about to get off of his current impeachment charges, at least for now, because republicans won’t allow brave congresspersons like Jerry Nadler and Adam Schiff to question witnesses and reveal bombshell surprises.

We all watched in tearful disbelief when stunning and brave congressperson of white Adam Schiff predicted that if Trump was not impeached, that Trump might give Alaska back to Russia. We know how literally true Mr. Schiff’s words always are. Any time the words “California Democrat” follow a person’s name, it immediately fosters a sense of trust among us in what that brave California Democrat will say next.

When Congressperson Schiff delivered his statesmanlike legal argument about Trump giving Alaska back to Russia, many of us ran, literally shaking, to our safe spaces while watching the gripping impeachment speeches on our phones. And yet again, his prediction turned out to be eerily correct.

An unconfirmed source has revealed a secret deal in which Trump offered Putin the state of California for one dollar ($1.00). Insiders say that sales for one dollar make a sale “official” and legal, and therefore the sale becomes permanent. Putin allegedly counteroffered a trade of Chernobyl for both California and Alaska. “Alaska is a hard no. If you want to trade Chernobyl for California straight up we can talk. But no Alaska, good people, lots of oil and some gold. No Alaska.” said Trump, revealed an anonymous former associate of an unnamed person who was told about the call. (Chernobyl is an abandoned, highly radioactive town in Russia).

“California looks like shithole Mr. President, I’m looking at photos on satellite photos. There is human feces and needles all over the street; I think Chenobyl is a fair shithole-for-shithole trade. Plus your boy Pencil Neck kind of promised me Alaska already hahaha.” Putin allegedly countered, revealed a former co-worker of a bystander.

“Look Vladimir, you get California, you get millions of communists that want to live in a Marxist society. Sure they crap all over the place, but a quick tune-up with your communist cops with the batons will cure that fast. They are all yours for a dollar.” allegedly laughed the Carbon Footprint in Chief.

“I’ll sleep on it. By the way, you watch Iowa caucus? Hahaha. We have good laugh over this. Think about it friend: Alaska and California, I’ll even keep Chernobyl if you like. Have a good one. Let’s take a lunch.” laughed Putin, explained an anonymous insider.

Just like that the climate denier in chief was going to give away our wokest state, which would have turned back the decades of real progress that progressive socialists have accomplished in major California cities! It’s time to start up the next impeachment hearings.

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