Jesus I’m broke, sometimes I wonder how I’ve come this far. Luckily, there are enough cracks in the system to not have to find out the nutritional value of my own piss. Here’s how it works: Restaurant reviews - Anyone can be a freelance restaurant critic. While it helps that I’m actually a writer, it helps a lot more that LA is teeming with contingency-paid PR folks who only get cash when someone does a piece on their clients. So when you're calling to set up a review, the sound of clanking coins is heard by the PR person. This is by far the best way to dine. Everything is comped and the staff spoils you to help insure that you’re having a good time. You get to eat great food in great quantity, drink like a sailor. Best of all, you can bring a guest to offset the fact that you have nothing in life to offer, but witty anecdotes. Manufacturer coupons - The only bad thing about restaurant reviews is the fact that it’s tough to do one every day. On a good week, I’ll have one or two. For those other days, I’m dining in. One way to keep the pantries full is by getting UPC numbers off packages at the supermarket and phoning the companies complaining about declining standards. No matter how absurd your complaint, the company will send you a coupon to get what you bought for free.

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