Are you REALLY worth it? Designer bags, luxury holidays even affairs - how celebrity culture is dangerously deluding women into think they deserve to have everything



Every time Cheryl Cole throws back her shining mane and twinkles, ' Because we're worth it,' a generation of women nod along in agreement. Cheryl has just been voted our Woman Of The year, by Glamour Magazine. Not only is she Tv gold, she's had a number one hit, she's in the most successful girl band ever, and she's probably the most eligible single woman in Britain.

So perhaps it's no wonder that we're willing to believe whatever she tells us.

Cheryl may be talking about shampoo - but for many of us those four little words go a whole lot deeper.



Brought up in an age where self-help mantras have replaced old-fashioned concepts such as duty or self- sacrifice, and where, according to Oprah Winfrey, lack of self-esteem is 'the root of all the problems in the world,' it's no wonder we now believe we deserve the very best from life.



Eye opener: It's easy to assume that 'good self-esteem' is the passport to a happy, successful life. But compelling research proves quite the reverse

Once, the pinnacles of achievement were a good job or a happy home life. Now, we're encouraged to believe we're entitled to everything we want, the moment we crave it, 'because we're worth it.'

Want a £300 designer bag you can't afford? Go on - you deserve it. Or that New york mini-break with the girls? Treat yourself - you're fabulous.

Married women even admit to indulging in affairs, simply because: 'I wasn't getting what I needed at home.' Perhaps once, they'd have stuck it out, or sought counselling - but now, a 'cougar' affair between an older woman and a hot younger man is simply their reward for staying married to the old dullard.



Surrounded by images of celebrities from ordinary backgrounds who have 'made it', we're increasingly convinced that we're no different from them.

We may not be hosting the breakfast news or singing to a packed O2 arena - but we work just as hard as they do, we tell ourselves, and we're just as talented.

It's easy to assume that 'good self-esteem' is the passport to a happy, successful life. But compelling research proves quite the reverse.



A major study from the London School of Economics found that excessively high self-esteem can be even more damaging than low self-worth. Social psychologist Professor Nicholas Emler found that people with high self-esteem are more likely to hold racist attitudes, reject advice from friends and take risks such as drink-driving, as they believe they won't be caught.

'It's worth remembering that high self-esteem is very far from being an unconditional benefit,' warns Professor Emler.

Because you're worth it: Cheryl may be talking about shampoo - but the advert's catchphrase goes a whole lot deeper

'Our language contains many unflattering words to describe people with high self-esteem, such as "boastful", "arrogant", "smug", "self-satisfied" and "conceited".

'Perhaps we should be more willing to accept that very high self-esteem is as much a problem in need of treatment as exceptionally low self-esteem and be more open-minded about the benefits of moderation.'

Yet culturally, we're constantly encouraged to assume that, as the song says, 'If I can dream it, I can be it'. Once, a truthful friend might have pointed out that it's called 'a dream' for a reason. But now, simply 'having a dream' is considered to be as valid as having a business plan and start-up funding.

TV shows overflow with ordinary folk who may possess a modicum of talent at cooking or singing, yet vibrate with evangelical zeal as they explain: 'I want this so badly, I know I can win.' Self-awareness has been replaced by mindless self-belief, regardless of the evidence.

'We have fallen for a filtered-down pop psychology message that says: "If you believe it, it's true," ' says psychotherapist Rachel Morris, who specialises in women's issues.

'Best-selling books such as The Secret basically say that if you want something badly enough, you can have it, and that's a very seductive promise.



It's basic, Californian-style positive thinking - but we're now in danger of believing that high self-esteem is equivalent to talent, opportunity and ambition.

'Surely we only have to watch the deluded contestants on The X Factor, or Britain's Got Talent, announcing, "Watch this space Simon Cowell, I'll be back!" to realise that the "I'm worth it" culture is out of hand?'

She adds: 'We're constantly told by advertising, movies and the media that we, too, can "live the dream" however ordinary we may be."



Being challenged, as people are on these shows, means you're forced to question everything you believe about yourself - and it's easier to stay in a state of denial than face reality.'

This denial may also explain why women are still amassing mountainous debts. Recent research from the Post Office revealed that more than a fifth of us lie to partners about the amount of debt we're in. On average, we owe £9,700, (outside of mortgages) and 45 per cent of women explained their debt has been accrued by 'buying expensive fashions'.

Having it all: After six series of self-esteem-boosting, it's no wonder married Carrie treats herself to kissing another man in Sex and the City 2



Despite the recession, we're still 'treating ourselves' simply because we feel we deserve it, regardless of whether we can afford it or need it.

'Deserving' is quite an immature notion,' observes Rachel Morris. 'Believing that because you've had a tough day, you should have a reward, is based on a childish concept of having a pay-off for eating your greens.'

Genuine, fulfilling reward could be as simple as a cuddle from your child or a walk in the sunshine - but we've been conditioned to believe that excitement, or material goods, are superior. Having high self-esteem also means you're more prepared to take risks - you'll splash £400 on the shoes you can't afford because you assume you'll get away with it. Deep down, you believe you can not only have it all, but you deserve it all, too.



Maybe that's why more married women than ever before are having affairs - and happily justifying them. With excessively high self-esteem, concepts such as shame are no longer valid. Instead, an affair is considered an appropriate response to ' not being appreciated' in your relationship.

GOOD FOR YOU The phrase self-esteem was coined in 1890 by U.S. philosopher and psychologist William James

A quick-fix ego massage is far more attractive than months of counselling and when we're surrounded by images of celebrities cheating with someone glamorous, it's only a short step to believing that we, too, deserve a 'better partner'.

A recent women's magazine survey found that 70 per cent of women regularly lie to their partners. A fifth have had a long-term affair while married, while 30 per cent have had an affair with a married man.

In the past, most women were too embarrassed to admit to this type of behaviour. Now, the prevailing attitude is, 'so what? I wanted to'.

Even the current number one box-office draw, Sex And The City 2, shows Carrie, the designer-goods poster-girl for a generation, admitting 'something happened' with her ex while her new husband was safely back in New York.

We're not supposed to judge her for this; we're supposed to understand. Big can be hard work! Carrie deserves a little fun! And after six series of having her self- esteem boosted by the likes of Samantha Jones, perhaps the most 'because I'm worth it' woman of all time, it's no wonder she decides to treat herself.

But it's not just our favourite movie characters who are cheering us on to grab what we want from life, regardless of the consequences. Increasingly, books, TV shows and songs all promote the 'Go, Girlfriend!' school of thought, where self-belief is the holy grail of achievement.

Christina Aguilera's huge hit, Beautiful, is the soundtrack for the L'Oreal Generation - the lyrics 'I am beautiful, no matter what they say . . . words can't bring me down . . . ' were written in response to bullying, but have since been co-opted as an anthem of iron-clad self-belief.

Alarming: 21 per cent of British teenagers are prepared to showcase their often meagre talents on The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent or even Big Brother

Nowadays, we're not obese; we simply need to learn to 'love our curves'. And a man didn't leave because we were dull; he just 'didn't appreciate our inner beauty'.

Asking tough questions of oneself, a tenet of traditional psychotherapy - andreligion - has been abandoned in favour of an all-encompassing philosophy of 'love yourself and be who you want to be'. 'The media often promotes the rise of the individual rather than the benefits of being part of a community,' explains Surrey-based women's therapist Evelyn Nathanson. 'As the world has got smaller, our role has become inward looking.



'We look less to each other for support and more to ourselves to promote

feelings of self worth.' Basically, we've learnt to take ourselves at our own, skyhigh, estimation.



Perhaps high self-esteem wouldn't be so bad if it didn't impact on others. But affairs, debt and choices that put you first and your partner and children languishing somewhere down the list after a Mulberry bag and spa weekend can only harm your chances of long-term fulfilment.



And, worse still, we're now raising a new generation to believe that attention adulation are the keys to happiness. A recent survey for found that children under the age of ten believe being a celebrity is 'the best thing in the world', swiftly followed by 'good looks' and 'being rich.'



SIXTIES BLUES

Self-esteem increases as we get older, but dips as we reach our 60s, says a recent poll

Of course, children are influenced by TV - but a mother who is spending the holiday budget on Botox may also contribute to their belief that they, too, deserve a world tour and a sports car by their 18th birthday.



Older children, too, are heavily led by 'I'm worth it' culture - 54 per cent of teenagers long to be famous, while just 12 per cent plan to tread the hard-work route to becoming a lawyer or doctor.



Meanwhile, 21 per cent of British teenagers are prepared to showcase their often meagre talents on The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent or even the faded, pier-end freak-show of Big Brother, whose final series has just started on Channel 4, introducing yet more eager fame-seekers for their 15 minutes.



Inevitably, they'll be doomed to disappointment - but that won't stop them. They'll simply reject any criticism, because the judges or the public are just trying to 'bring them down'. And to the L'Oreal generation, that's a cardinal sin.



Surely it's time to wake up, and realise our sense of entitlement is just that - a sense, not a reality. And that true fulfilment requires hard work, self-awareness, and a realistic appraisal of our own flaws.



'High self-esteem is more akin to vanity,' says Rachel Morris. 'I don't believe someone with a realistic sense of their own worth feels the need to buy things they can't afford or put their family's happiness at risk. There's a genuine value in being loved the way you want, feeling safe in your home, being able to provide what your children need. But achieving that is far harder than buying a bottle of expensive perfume.'



The truth is, none of us is automatically entitled to anything - we can achieve it, through hard work, being loveable, making the most of what we have. But the world doesn't owe us a thing.



Whatever Cheryl may tell us, it's just a slogan to sell shampoo, not a justification for having anything we want.



