Having gone through the Heroes and Healers tribes over the last two days, it’s time to look at the Hustlers tribe. On a Saturday. Like a true Hustler, I love you guys so much that I am giving you a Saturday article. Don’t get too used to it. Once again I will look at each member of the tribe individually and then look at the tribe as a whole and how it might do collectively.

Ali Elliott

Age: 24

Hometown: Eastvale, California

Occupation: Celebrity Assistant

Ali is a celebrity assistant to a Youtube personality. It’s kind of like if I said I knew a professional basketball player because I scrimmaged against Carl English one time in my past. And yes, Youtube weirdos, I’m sure Glozell is actually fairly famous, this is simply what is called a joke.

One thing about Ali is that she is a fan of the game. She’s been watching with her family from back in the early days and that will give her some sense of comfort where anything remotely familiar on the island can be helpful. She also says that she hates traffic and for a while at least, she will be far away from any of that.

Of the three things she would bring on a deserted island, she mentions tampons because it’s never brought up, but her period is an issue she wouldn’t want to deal with. I’m sorry to let Ali know that she wasted one of her three spots because tampons are among medical products provided by production on the island. Damn shame she’s only got two useful items in this purely hypothetical scenario.

Like Jessica, Ali sees herself as an Andrea. Since it’s been a long time since Parvati was on a season, it seems like Andrea has become more of a generic answer to “Survivor you are most like”. Though Andrea is like the homeless woman’s Parvati in that regard, and I say that with the most possible respect for Andrea.

Individually, Ali seems like a fairly solid competitor. I don’t see any egregious red flags or anything that jumps out to me as special. She does have somewhat of an X-Factor in the game but we will get to that in the tribe dynamics section.

Devon Pinto

Age: 24

Hometown: Carlsbad, California

Occupation: Surf Instructor

I feel like production was thinking they cast the second coming of Jay. Surfer? Check. Chill demeanor? Check. Real estate license? Check. But my impression of Devon is that he’s way closer to Taylor 2.0 than Jay 2.0. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing character wise, Taylor was a laugh and a half on Millennials vs Gen X, it just has me worried for Devon’s actual chances of winning.

The good news is that given his tribe, the Hustlers will have vested interest in keeping Devon around for the challenges. He’s obviously in good shape and should perform perfectly fine in physical competitions. From his bio, you can definitely tell that he thinks of Survivor as a physical game and he’s going to want to win challenges.

Devon is about as bro as this cast gets. He compares himself to Malcolm and Ozzy, a typical bro answer that always gets to me. Malcolm and Ozzy are not very comparable. Malcolm is a super-fan who knows how to work the social dynamics of Survivor and is pretty good at challenges. Ozzy doesn’t even try to play the social dynamics of Survivor but is an absolute monster at challenges and at providing for a tribe. Pick a lane Devon.

His answer for the three things he would bring on the island?

My guitar so I can serenade everyone, my surfboard so I can pass the time riding perfect untouched waves, and champagne to celebrate all the Immunity Challenges I’m going to win for my tribe.

I bet you any money that Devon likes to perform an acoustic version of Wonderwall at parties.

Seriously, his bio is the most cocky, self-absorbed shit on this cast. I don’t know if that is Devon just playing up a certain part of his personality but if he’s going to act like he does in his bio in the game, people won’t have him around for very long.

Lauren Rimmer

Age: 35

Hometown: Beaufort, North Carolina

Occupation: Fisherman

In my way too early cast assessment, I said that Lauren reminded me of Melinda Hyder. That was wrong of me, there is no Melinda in Lauren. She is way more of a less annoying Denise Martin. Which begs the question, how is her kung-fu?

If Jeff Probst wants to call the Hustlers tribe the people who go out and scrap to get by every day, Lauren is the perfect image to project. She’s a single mother of a nine year old daughter who goes out and fishes every day of the week. It’s a nice story of dedication to her family and perseverance. There is something very likable in Lauren that only comes off when you listen to her speak.

While it might be easy to peg her as an easy first boot, I don’t think that’s likely to happen. She is going to be a very physically strong woman and having strong women is a huge asset in Survivor. Still, I don’t really see a universe in which Lauren can pull out a victory or make it too deep into the end-game. She just doesn’t strike me as somebody who would really thrive in the strategic elements of this show.

Lauren is also going to have to watch her emotions. She says she can be very hard to work with because she likes to have things in a particular matter. I understand that from her job, where she mostly works alone taking care of her own business, but on a tribe, she is going to have to remember to hear other people’s voices.

Also Lauren is definitely not somebody who watches the show because she gave the typical recruit answer to “which Survivor are you most like”. The answer of course was “none of them”.

Patrick Bolton

Age: 25

Hometown: Lanett, Alabama

Occupation: Small Business Owner

Ever wonder what Cochran might look like with some muscle definition? Picture Patrick, because by the time he shot his “Meet Patrick Bolton” video, he was already pretty badly burnt by the sun. This could be a physically painful experience for him if he doesn’t eventually get a base tan that will help avoid some of the burning.

In theory, Patrick should be completely fine on this tribe. They are going to need his physicality and he comes off as much less annoying than Devon does. He should be good to form bonds and figure out his way through the early days.

I’ll credit him for almost quoting Brian Heidik, even if it’s probably unbeknownst to him. When asked the primary reason for being on Survivor, Patrick answered, “My primary motivation is to win a million dollars! I’m a businessman and this is a business trip”. Which honestly is the correct attitude to have on this show.

As well, Patrick says he can fish, make fires and build shelters. Those are all things this tribe is going to need some help for. Honestly if Patrick isn’t a weirdo, he should have no problems making it to the merge and from there, anything can happen.

Ryan Ulrich

Age: 23

Hometown: North Arlington, New Jersey

Occupation: Bellhop

This is going to be biased because I absolutely loved Ryan from the moment I saw him in the preview from the Game Changers reunion. So for the sake of keeping things fair, here are some of Ryan’s flaws right off the bat. He might think a bit too much of himself. He might think people see the game as a game like he does. He will definitely not be the best asset in challenges.

Okay now that I’ve done that, the positives. Ryan exudes passion for Survivor the way I would if Canadians were allowed to take part in the show and I was cast. Right away that kind of love of the game is going to draw me right in. The way Ryan speaks about Survivor seems so well-informed that I am not worried about his status as an early boot because of his stature.

There’s also the fact that he compared himself to Todd Herzog. Todd was one of the best social game players the show has ever seen and proved you didn’t need to do well in challenges to succeed. If Ryan can tap into the same social abilities that Todd did in Survivor: China, he could go very far into the game.

Also you have to give it up to anybody who uses their Survivor cast bio to throw in an advertisement for McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. They are seasonal you know.

Knowing my tendency for my picks, Ryan is probably going to go home early because I am so high on him. Hopefully for once, the Survivor gods can allow me to be right about an inkling. Just once guys?

Simone Nguyen

Age: 25

Hometown: Worcester, Massachusetts

Occupation: Diversity Advocate

Constructive confrontation? Simone is probably our seasonal train wreck so enjoy her while she’s around because it may not be for very long. She strikes me as somebody who thinks they are playing a very sneaky game when everyone around her understands exactly what she is doing.

In her bio she compares herself to Michaela because “I enjoy judging everyone”. Oh gee, remind me how that went for Michaela both times she was on the island? Yeah, I thought so. She also says that she isn’t afraid to make decisions that will affect everyone’s game so she is definitely the type of player who will go for personal advantages over helping the tribe. We all know how that can go on Survivor.

Simone is clearly very intelligent. She earned full rides to Columbia, Harvard and Tufts. Not many people can claim the same. I just don’t think she has the very specific skillset required to do well on the show.