New Brunswick — After hemorrhaging tax dollars for nearly a year, Blaine Higgs’s Conservatives plan to scrap the original Liberal plan to sell the hard drug “cannabis” in 20 stores across the province by turning the derelict buildings into provincially run Bell and Rogers stores.

“It’s not rocket science,” explained Higgs. “Mobile plan prices in this country are some of the highest in the world, and regular Canadians are being gouged. We owe it to our voters to get in on this.”

Cannabis NB lost $11.7 million in its first six months of business, followed by a worrisome followup loss of $2.2 million in the first quarter of this fiscal year. New Brunswick Conservatives are blaming illegal blackmarket “cannabis” sellers and the previous government’s business acumen.

“The Liberals couldn’t figure out how to sell weed and ran this venture into the ground,” said Higgs. “We can’t figure it out either, but we’re at least big enough to admit it and try something different. Ordinary New Brunswickers don’t want to get stoned on pot, the market shows that. What they want is the newest iPhone, which is only available on a Premium Ultra Mega Plus Plan — it’s endless profit!”

There are now more than 35 illegal dispensaries operating in the province, and business is booming. When asked if there is anything to be learned from these “grey market” dispensaries, the premier’s hopes were dim.

“We tried that, but I went in and got scared.”

If you don’t have a dealer or there are no grey market dispensaries in your area, don’t worry: the Tories still plan on distributing “cannabis” at all previous Cannabis NB locations as a bonus with new phone activations and/or hardware upgrades.