Well, here’s a donkey story for the modern age. I was out in the pasture, herding sheep with Red, taking photos on Instagram, and giving each of the donkeys a carrot. Simon loves his carrots and he came over and stuck his nose in my pocket, where I often stick a carrot. I take a lot of photos with the Iphone, so I keep it handy. There were no carrots there, but my bright and shiny new Iphone 5 in its bright yellow case was there. Simon didn’t skip a beat. He reach into my pocked and grabbed and came out with the Iphone and swallowed it. I shrieked. “Simon,” I yelled, “I don’t think I am insured against a donkey eating my Iphone 5. Siri is in there, my photos, my contacts.” (Yes, I am in the Cloud, but still). Besides, I said, it isn’t carrot, it isn’t good for you. Red heard me shouting and came running over, concerned. Frieda barked from inside the house.

I heard Simon – he was right in front of me – crunching on my Iphone 5. I grabbed him by his head – I often kiss him on the nose this way, mindful of the great pressure equines bring to bear with their teeth. I remembered the donkey dentist, how he stuck his arm way back in Simon’s throat to keep him from biting down, and I did the same thing, (I used to massage Simon’s infected gums when he came to the farm) and I stuck my arm in there – this is really going to be ugly, I thought, if it doesn’t work – and his eyes got wide and with my right hand I just sent into his mouth, over his big teeth and felt my Iphone in its case towards the back of his mouth, and I just grabbed it and pulled it out. I did feel a lot of pressure on my arm, and it is sore and my clothes are slimed big-time. Still, I’ve waited a long time for this phone, and I couldn’t stand for Simon to eat Siri.

This is a hard case I have, I am not dumb, I’ve dropped cell phones everywhere on the farm, but donkey’s teeth are strong and pieces of the case came out, and I pulled my other hand out in the Iphone5, covered in saliva, dropped to the ground. It is on the dining room table. I just don’t have the heart to look at it yet. It isn’t the end of the world, I can get another one, and my stuff is saved in the Cloud anyway. And at least Simon didn’t swallow it. That wouldn’t have been pretty.

But still, it is unnerving to get your Iphone 5 eaten by a donkey. A cautionary tale. Don’t be an ass. Donkeys check everybody’s pockets. And I have a yellow wallet. It could have been worse. He might have grabbed the big camera! Maybe I’ll put the phone in another pocket.