VATICAN CITY—Saying that he wouldn’t recommend such an invasive course of action unless the situation was dire, Pope Francis told a sinner Thursday that a risky experimental sacrament was the only thing capable of saving him. “At such an advanced stage and with sins this mortal, I’d put the odds of saving your soul at 15%—and that’s if this new sacrament even works, which is far from guaranteed as it hasn’t been fully tested on humans yet,” said the Pope, adding that in pontifical trials on rhesus monkeys, only 30% saw a moderate increase in piety and 9% were instantly damned to Hell. “Had you confessed your sins earlier and begun a strong course of reconciliation, we might have nipped this thing in the bud—but as it stands right now, this long-shot sacrament is the best chance you’ve got.” At press time, the sinner was filling out paperwork—should the sacrament fail—to donate his soul for dissection and study.

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