By now, you all have seen or read ­50 Shades of Grey. Up until the book and major motion picture, most of us probably…

Didn’t even know what BDSM stood for let alone know what it was.

Thought it was some sort of underground sexual cult, or

Scared the living daylights out of us.

I actually refused to read the book because I am one that generally does not follow the crowd. But as the hype grew and grew, I just had to see what all this BDSM talk was about. And guess what, it turned me on, really turned me on. Now the books in the series and movie were completely fictional and some in the BDSM lifestyle have said that the portrayal of BDSM in the movie was not accurate. But of course, aren’t most fictional movies “blown out of proportion?” Well, I was about to find out. I just couldn’t get it out of my mind; it not only turned me on, but BDSM fascinated me. Here’s a quick video of Dr. Kat on How to Discuss Bondage Play with Your Partner So what does BDSM stand for? This really depends on who you ask. BDSM means a lot to different people, but the broadest and most acceptable definition is: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. Let’s explore what each of these terms mean…

(Male) Dominance Also known as a Dom, Top, Master or Daddy. The “Dom” in the relationship is the one that controls the sexual activity and or “scene” and controls the “Sub”.

(Male) Submissive Also known as a Sub, Bottom or lil’ (little). The “Sub” is the person in the relationship who is being controlled.

(Woman) Dominance Also known as Domme, Dominatrix, Top, Dom, or Mistress. A Dominatrix charges for her services. Most professional Dominatrixes are Females. The few professional Male Doms generally only provide their services to other men.

(Woman) Submissive Also known as a Sub, Bottom, or a lil’ (little). There are very few professional Submissives. And again, they are mostly women.

Switch A female or male that switches between both roles, a Sub or a Dom.

Sadist A male or female that derives pleasure more specifically sexual pleasure, by inflicting pain, suffering and or humiliation to others. Sadists are mostly male Doms.

Masochist A male or female that derives sexual pleasure from their own pain, suffering and or humiliation.

See also: How to Prepare for Anal Sex

Doms, subs, switches, sadists, and masochists are all roles that the individuals choose and play out in “scenes”. A scene takes place in private between two or more people. A scene can be purely sexual, but it sometimes involves a domestic arrangement, such as servitude or a casual or committed lifestyle master/slave relationship. The scenes or lifestyle commitments can involve settings of slave training or punishment for breaking “rules”. A scene can also take place in public, generally a club of sorts where the play can be viewed by others. Often those who choose the BDSM lifestyle participate in other sexual acts that are outside of the norm, such as voyeurism. When a scene takes place in a public setting, it is generally because the participants enjoy being watched by others or because of the availability equipment. BDSM scenes are also played out in public because having a third party involved adds safety for play partners who have only recently met.

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There are 5 steps that are very important to remember and practice when practicing BDSM. Communicate – You and your partner must communicate before practicing or playing any scenes in creating a BDSM lifestyle. You both must be completely honest with each other about what you want, what you are going to do, how far you both will be willing to take it. Know what your red light is. Perhaps, create a code word that the Sub can use if she or he becomes uncomfortable or scared. If you are playing with ball and gags or taping a mouth shut, make sure there is a physical sign that the Sub can use if they want the scene to stop such as using an available limb to “tap out” or a head nod that indicates you need your partner to stop. Trust – You can absolutely not practice BDSM if there is little or no trust. This is why sometimes if you have a new sexual partner, having a trusted third party involved (e.g. a club or a trusted friend) is very important. Plan – There can never be enough planning involved. Pre-plan the scene. What toys, what bondage, what kind of tools will be used besides toys, i.e. hot wax. Make sure you know how to operate all of your equipment, understand each other’s boundaries and code words. Take Baby Steps – Start off slow by trying one thing at a time. Perhaps, start with bondage. Try just using satin ribbon, and then move on to rope. Start off with using hot wax, then move on to nipple clamps. You get the idea? Try one thing at a time and add more when you and your partner are comfortable with each aspect. Throw out ALL pre-conceived notions about BDSM. For example, subs don’t always have “Mommy/Daddy” issues. Normal Doms aren’t sociopaths or wife beaters. Being a male sub does not make you weak, and being a Female Dom does not make you a Bitch. Check all assumptions at the dungeon door; BDSM is not always about whips and chains!

Now that you have the basics of BDSM, let’s teach you how to set a scene and how to play!

Step 1 Set the scene, choose your role and pick out your toys and props. I am playing the Sub for this particular scene. I have chosen to wear black lingerie, a leather belt for bondage play and of course, an Adam & Eves Sex and Mischief Satin Blindfold.

Step 2 There are many beginners BDSM items you should have in your own home!

Ties, scarfs ribbons, and belts are some of them. You should have an abundance of homemade toys for use.

See also: How To Make Your Wife Want More Sex

Step 3 Use a sexy bondage toy like Fetish Fantasy Series, Fantasy Web bed restraint system.

Step 4 Let your inner animal loose. BDSM is a major turn on for those of us that desire to play out our sexual needs in a non-confirmative way. All things taboo is who we are. Enjoy!! And let your inner animal come out and play!!

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