You need a break from life.

It’s time to enjoy a movie.

You get some buttery popcorn.

You sit back and relax.

Your eyes and mind get transported to a new world.

You cringe.

You shake your head.

You wonder what criminal actions must have occurred to get funding for this torture reel your watching. Bank robbery? Credit Fraud? Blackmail?

The possibilities are endless.

These kinds of thoughts should not be happening. Yet, it’s really scary to think how idiotic stories can even turn into movies. That’s the real crime. Let’s take a look.

Batman, the most skilled and intelligent superhero, in DC Comics. He is the symbol of fear, even amongst his own league. A psychological story of a dark man, who wages a battle against crime.

Well, Joel Shumaker’s Batman and Robin have butchered him. Batman has now been reduced to a flashy and clichéd public figured hero.

Right in the first scene, a threat occurs. Batman and Robin must suit up. They prepare their gadgets and weapons as they don their armored suits. The camera zooms in on these objects and various parts of the suit, giving an interesting visual effect. But why the silly ASS SHOT? Who would write this in? Someone actually made the executive decision to put a childish and out of place joke in a Batman movie. This is the first 30 seconds and I can no longer take this movie seriously.

Mr. Freeze is the primary villain of the story. His former life was working as a scientist, trying to find a cure for the MacGregor’s Syndrome, in order to save his dying wife. An accident at the lab results in Freeze needing sub zero temperatures to survive. His self-created diamond powered suit and ice firing gun drive him to take vengeance upon Gotham City and collect diamonds for his experiments.

Mr. Freeze’s intelligence and technology make him a dangerous threat. He reminds everyone of this with consistent irritating and forced puns about ice and cold. It’s not just a few times. It’s literally every sentence. We get it! You’re Mr. Freeze and you must emphasize your Mr. Freeze by referencing everything that fucking freezes.

The writers couldn’t think of a single piece of original dialogue. They decided not to explore the character’s crumbling humanity and instead, turned him into a Pun filled vending machine. Select 10mins.7seconds for “The ice is cold”, or 28mins.52seconds for “Prepare for my cold mercy”.

The story then introduces Poison Ivy. She is the supporting villain who seeks vengeance towards humanity for damaging natural life and polluting it. Apart from her ability to control plant life, she can swoon men to fall for her, allowing them to be manipulated.

She crashes an auction party where wealthy men, bid on dates with models for charity, that is hosted by Batman and Robin. Poison Ivy releases her seduction toxin on the dynamic duo resulting in them bidding over her. Yes, I’m sorry, but you indeed read that correctly. The scene ends with him pulling out a “Bat credit card”.

Lets have a moment of silence for the death of film script writing.

They gave the Dark Knight a bat credit card to bid on women. Let that sink in. The writers have officially killed Batman. Why even continue past this point? To be fair, the writers were pressured by the studio…No, screw that. There is no excuse, they could have walked away. Let’s forget this ever happened and move on…

The Room, is directed, produced and written by Tommy Wiseau. This film is considered to be one of the worst films ever made.

The premise follows a man named Johnny, who seems to have the perfect life with his loving fiancé Lisa. He has a high paying job and a very close circle of friends. But as the film continues he realizes everything may not be perfect.

The entire film is littered with laughable acting, idiotic puns and the lousiest dialogue you can imagine. That being said, after hearing about it, I forced my friend to watch it with me. We could barely hold in our laughter…yes, it’s that bad.

A few of the events in the film that stand out, are the numerous conversations between Lisa and her mother. They all revolve around how she no longer loves Johnny anymore. Even though each of these conversations happen after an extremely weird sex scene. Lisa, if you don’t love him, why do you keep sleeping with him?

During these awkward conversations, the Mother confirms to her own daughter that she definitely has cancer. That too, in the most casually way possible. They clearly have discussed this before. What would a normal daughter do? Be concerned and broken? No, apparently it follows with “Are you sure?” and “What do I do about Johnny”. If you didn’t want an emotional moment why even state that she has cancer if it’s never brought up again!

A few scenes later, Denny is introduced. He is a teenaged friend to both Lisa and Johnny. He gets mixed up with a drug dealer, and gets the screaming of his life from Lisa. It’s as if he has murdered someone. I personally think the mother needs to start taking some drugs. Maybe her daughter will actually give a fuck then.

Let’s talk a little about Denny. I have never seen such an awkwardly and twisted boy in my life. Here is a kid who spends all his free time with STRANGE GROWN MEN. He openly asks awkward questions that only a sane person would ponder in his head.

Let’s analyze this scene. Johnny has arrived home and has brought a dress home for Lisa. Lisa greets him and goes to try on her gift. As she arrives, Denny enters the house (without even knocking). After some small talk, Tommy says, “I’m going upstairs for a nap”. Followed by Denny wanting to go upstairs as well.

Why would Denny want to join him? Is he going to watch him take a nap? A few lines later it’s implied that Lisa will be joining him to have sex, leaving Denny downstairs. Who does that?

Imagine going to a friends house, and they tell you they are going to go upstairs to have sex, leaving you down there. You would probably leave, or if you have absolutely nothing better to do, you can wait. Denny decides to go upstairs and join them…

He admits to enjoying watching them as well. Ok, how is this a healthy environment? This is probably why Denny does drugs. The rest of his scenes are painfully as creepy.

Another scene happens sometime later. Tommy is with his friends in the living room. They are talking having a good time, when Tommy asks them if they would like anything. They happily respond as Tommy leaves.

Suddenly Lisa walks in and for some odd reason, the friends suddenly have to go. They just agreed that they wanted something to eat, why are they leaving? Has everyone forgotten about the guy cooking lunch for two other people? At least tell him!

It’s as if these scripts are unfinished. The only explanation can be is that Tommy literally forgets he is writing his movie and leaves his scenes half finished.

The rest of the film pretty much runs like this. Nonsensical subplots that are written with very few links to each other. I will leave you with a hilarious review done by the Nostalgia Critic that is worth checking out. As atrocious as this film is, I recommend you watch it with a group of friends just to ridicule it. It deserves your cruel humor. Let it have it.

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