"How much do you make?" the subject line asked bluntly. It was an email sent to a listserv I subscribe to — fanned out to hundreds of women all over the country. "I'll start," the sender wrote. "$40,000. No benefits." She said she was working at a publishing startup in Chicago, making the highest salary of her career. "People are often embarrassed by money questions," the woman continued. "The only people we're protecting by keeping this information secret are those who would exploit us." She had a point. And yet I was sure nobody would respond. Isn't asking about salary sort of ... crass? Minutes later, a new email. "$53,000. No negotiation." A public radio job. Then another: "$4,500 a month, working on a political campaign." The responses continued for four days: annual salaries, consulting rates, speaking fees, bonuses, advances. There were dollar amounts, job titles, and even company names.

I was surprised. Sure, I'd shared my salary with a few close friends but never to a public group. Even as I devoured the emails, I wondered how I would be perceived if I shared mine. (Making too much? Not enough? Greedy? Cocky?)

When it comes to women talking about money, let's just say it: It's complicated. "To even be interested in money is still on some level viewed as unfeminine and, therefore, undesirable," says Amanda Steinberg, the founder of the Daily Worth, a financial-literacy website for women. "It's a narrative that's existed for a long time."

And yet as women's economic power continues to rise, that narrative is changing. Women are signing up for negotiation courses and financial newsletters. They're investigating pay scales on GlassDoor.com and GenderGapApp. And no, these women aren't waiting for an anonymous note to alert them to their dismal pay — as was the case for Lilly Ledbetter, the Goodyear employee for whom the Fair Pay Act is named. Instead, they're asking each other (and male colleagues too) point- blank: What's your number? "Five years ago, when I would speak at conferences about women and money, the room would have like 15 people in it," says Steinberg. In June, she spoke to an auditorium packed with 1,000 women. "I went backstage and cried," she says.

In newer sectors where there's no real salary precedent, talking to a colleague can help clarify the going rate. "In my industry, it varies wildly," says Claire Kosloff, a reality-television producer in Los Angeles. "Unless you ask, you're just sort of fumbling in the dark." And having more ammunition during a negotiation is particularly important for women: We're not only less likely to negotiate a salary, but we're also more likely than men to be penalized (viewed as pushy and thus less likeable) when we do. "Asking for a raise can be daunting," says Shira Tarrant, a professor of gender studies at California State University at Long Beach. "If we have ballpark figures in our pocket, we can feel more secure in knowing that we're asking for the appropriate range."

Of course, there's etiquette involved in talking about money. Feeling out a friend or colleague you trust is one thing; asking a supervisor is another. You can share your pay, but don't gossip about someone else's. And you should know your company's policy. President Obama recently made it illegal for federal contractors to retaliate against employees who talk about pay, but many private employers still have rules barring money discussions.

The point isn't that every person earn exactly the same thing — we all want to be rewarded for good work. But you can't know if you are underpaid if you don't know what everyone else makes. "The only way we can improve these discrepancies is through honesty," says Kourtney Jason, a 28-year-old publicist in New Jersey, who says she discusses her salary with friends of both sexes. "I certainly would not complain if a boss gave me a performance-based raise without having to ask. But the gratification and empowerment you feel when you ask for a raise yourself and get it is beyond comparison. And worth celebrating with your closest girlfriends."

This article was originally published as "Paycheck Confessions" in the November 2014 issue of Cosmopolitan. Click here to get the issue in the iTunes store!

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