A Pep Talk for Single Millennials Everywhere

Don’t hold others to standards you can’t meet

Photo: Brandon Colbert Photography/Getty Images

As prospective bachelors and bachelorettes become more disposable with each swipe of the thumb, our chances of finding that mythical “better half” feel increasingly slim. We’re searching for a special someone — that person whose every curve, dimple, freckle, and smile triggers a jolt that reverberates across our chests.

These days, a hopeless romantic lingers inside every cynical millennial. We want to share our loneliness with someone we cherish — even if a barrage of disappointing dates, lackluster sex, and unfulfilling relationships has battered the heart we wear on our sleeves into a relic of postmodern apathy. But we tend to get so wrapped up in what we want, we lose sight of how to attain it. If we were honestly assessing ourselves, perhaps we’d take a moment to consider: “If the ‘perfect’ person were really perfect, they could date whoever they wanted. Why would they choose us?”

This isn’t meant as an insult. It’s a plea for reflection. Self-love is a good thing, but self-awareness is more important.

You’re lost and confused. Sometimes, it can feel like the stars align only to scramble into an unrecognizable constellation. Maybe it’s bad timing or incompatibility or zero chemistry or a bad hair day; some things are beyond your control. But if you drift through life assuming everyone who rejects you is inherently an asshole, you might be a sociopath — or Taylor Swift. Dating a person you admire requires you to hold yourself to a high standard, too (or, at the very least, to aspire to a better version of yourself).

Your definition of “perfect” is entirely subjective. It’s based on your current mental and emotional state, your goals and ambitions, personality and values, past experiences, and an endless entanglement of subconscious issues and fetishes far too nuanced to generalize. But I’ve found that, more often than not, people tend to hold dating prospects to unreasonable standards they don’t hold themselves to.

Self-love is a good thing, but self-awareness is more important.

This isn’t exactly surprising. We’re engulfed in a culture that promotes individual consumerism and self-obsession en masse. We hand-pick our outfits, curate our social media, and mix the soundtrack to our lives. We create an identity, an idealized image projected onto the world. It’s no surprise we’ve transferred this mindset to our romantic relationships.

Tinder has connected as many hearts as it has private parts, but it has also morphed into an endless buffet of sex-obsessed Lotharios and airbrushed Aphrodites. We’re left with a gluttony of saccharine fulfillment, empty romantic calories. Only a bloated sense of self-worth could lead singles to feel entitled to a dating life they don’t have to work for, especially when they can acquire and discard suitors like baseball cards. (Fellas, it’s pretty difficult to date that chiseled yoga-instructor-type when you sit on the couch all day with Dorito dust glued to your fingertips as the unrestrained blubber of your muffin top rolls over your belt strap like a gentle tsunami.)

It’s easy to neglect your own self-improvement when you’re infatuated with others’ approval. What are your principles and are you living up to them? The cold, cruel truth about dating is people want to be with others they deem to be of equal or higher caliber than themselves. It’s a capitalist world, baby, and market value has its way of sifting the choosers from the beggars.

With more options at our disposal, we reduce people to basic features — height, headshot, body type, age, job — without a compelling personal narrative. Newton’s third law of physics states, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” so if you’re evaluating people on superficial qualities, the ones you’ve pulled into your orbit are probably measuring you by the same barometer.

In other words: A successful dating life begins by working on yourself. People are generally attracted to counterparts who share congruent priorities and philosophies. Want to date someone who’s fun and adventurous? Take up some new hobbies. Want to date someone with career ambitions? Pursue a job that fits your passions. Want to date someone who’s smart? Broaden your intellectual interests. At the very least, it’ll make you a more intriguing person with some added layers of depth, and you’ll have something to talk about other than your fantasy football team or whatever Kendall Jenner posted on Instagram today.

The more you improve, the more your prospects improve. When you become more certain about your journey, you’re more likely to find someone who wants to hop along for the ride.

Or you’ll just die cold, bitter, and alone. I don’t know. I’m not cupid.