Cable & Deadpool is a superhero comic published by Marvel Comics.

If Looks Could Kill [ edit ]

Issue 1 [ edit ]

[Deadpool gets a phonecall in his apartment] Deadpool: This is Deadpool. Caller: The Mercenary? Deadpool: I prefer "Well-Compensated Establishment Provocateur." Caller: Ah. Yes. Have you ever heard of the one world church? Deadpool: Nope. Caller: It's in France. Deadpool: I'll pass. Caller: It pays a lot. Deadpool: Good sir, you can't pay me enough to go to France while our countries are at WAR! Caller: Uhm...we're not at war. Deadpool: We're not?

Kruch: [After hiring Deadpool to retrieve a toxin from a German facility] Germany is also a country you're not at war with, by the way. Deadpool: We probably will be by the time I'm done...

[Deadpool is launching a one-man assault on Sunic Pharmacopoeia] Deadpool: [While fighting security] This is for Normandy! And this is for-- uhm...for--BRIGITTE NIELSEN! Guard: But she's not Ger--[is knocked out by Deadpool]

Issue 2 [ edit ]

Deadpool: Blow my mind! If it isn't Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Summers Cable Soldier X! So... Cable... uhm.. why're you looking so constipa-- [the back of Deadpool's head explodes] Cable: You did tell me to.

Cable: I'm here to help. Guard: Yeah... we can tell.

Cable: Don't make me laugh while I do this. Deadpool: Do what? [The back of Deadpool's head explodes]

Cable: [talking to a melting anarchist] "Systems don't work, people work." Tuatola: You read my paper? Cool. [Dies] Cable: I only wish I could be sure that people really do work.

Issue 3 [ edit ]

Kruch: If Mr. Wilson's mission is successful, the Homogenization will be far less painful then what you have just endured. [Deadpool walks in with a bottle of Mountainy Due] Deadpool: What's this "if" stuff? Here you go! Kruch: The facade virus is in there? Deadpool: Unless I drank the wrong bottle on the way over here. Come to think of it...how could I tell the difference?

Xavier: The brand of loyalty you inspire is... interesting. Cable: Hammer nurses a grudge like it's a teat. Xavier: Weren't you responsible for his quadriplegia? Cable: Never said the grudge wasn't justified.

[Deadpool is slowly melting due to the Facade virus] Kruch: His sacrifice will be remembered forever. Deadpool: Did someone say sacrifice? Kruch: I said, "This artifice will be a dismembered endeavor." Deadpool: Oh. Well...that makes no sense. ... Kruch: Since our Guinea Pig is ready, please proceed. Deadpool: Did someone say guinea pig?

Issue 4 [ edit ]

Kruch: Where is Cable? Deadpool: Down there. Kruch: Down there? Deadpool: Yeah. I shot him. He fell. It happens. Kruch: Through the roof? Deadpool: Yeah Kruch: Into the warehouse? Deadpool: Yeah, why? Kruch: Because that's the armory. Deadpool: Oh. Go figure. A church with ordnance. How medieval.

Cable: [As the T-O virus is ravaging his body] But Kruch is taking the one thing away that matters more to you than anything else in the world. Deadpool: HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT TAKING MY PORN!

[The facade virus is melting Deadpool] Cable: Wade...only thing--that can help me--is your blood. Only thing--that can help you--is mine. Deadpool: [Long pause] We're not gonna haveta kiss or anythin'... are we?

Issue 5 [ edit ]

Deadpool: [his right hand liquifies] HEY! That was my Cinemax hand! Chill, Wade. You've made do with Señor Lefty before. True love is still possible... [his left hand liquifies] Okay, so... I guess big wax lips are always an option, huh...?

Deadpool: Uhm... a little help? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? [to an inert Cable] Deadpool: So... what's new? [Cable doesn't respond] Deadpool: Yeah, not much by me either. [Cable doesn't respond] Deadpool: Been thinking about starting up a super hero porn site, whaddyou think? [Cable doesn't respond] Deadpool: Nothin' too rude, I mean. Tasteful naked shots of Sue Richards - when she's visable, right? 'Cos otherwise, duh... [Cable doesn't respond] Deadpool: You know, once the larynx goes, the scintillating conversation goes with it... [Deadpool completely liquifies.]

Cable: [After absorbing then vomiting up the liquified Deadpool] You okay? [Deadpool hits him] Deadpool: You swallowed me!

Issue 6 [ edit ]

[Deadpool is completely oblivious to the fact that everyone else's skin colour has turned pink] Civilian: Mister-- why hasn't you skin changed color? Deadpool: Somebody call Geraldo! I was just a victim of racial profiling!

[Deadpool and Kruch are at a bar trying to guess what skin colour the people were] Deadpool: That guy used to be black. Kruch: Asian. Asian. Asian. Caucasian. Deadpool': What kind? Kruch: Russian. Look at the forehead. Kruch: Okay, so maybe my plan wouldn't have worked after all.

The Burnt Offering [ edit ]

Issue 7 [ edit ]

Deadpool: [While fighting monks] You guys see Deadwood yet? See, on the show, they curse a lot an' people are all "Oh my, they never cursed that much in the Old West!" $#%!, they didn't! First words out of some caveman's mouth hadda have been "#%!$, that's one giant #$% dino%$#saur!"

Deadpool: [While fighting The Cat] That was such a totally great move! You are so freakin' The Man! I'd hug you if it didn't - [Deadpool gets hit in the face by four throwing stars] Deadpool: Ow.

The Cat: [While fighting Deadpool] You make for a very formidable opponent, Mr. Wilson. Though for some reason, I seem to be the only one doing the talking. Ah, yes, of course, I ruptured your trachea. How rude of me.

Deadpool: Get me everything you got on Shen Kuei. Weasel: The Cat? Deadpool: Yeah. Weasel: Did you see his tattoo? Deadpool: Oh, will you be a professional and just find him for me!? Weasel: You are not gonna go kick his head in. Deadpool: Was that a statement or a question? Weasel: Whichever doesn't get me neutered.

[Deadpool is launching a one-man assault on Roxxon International Research] Deadpool: [While fighting security] And this is for the Valdez-- Guard: That was Exxon! Exxon! Not Rox--Aaaghh!

Issue 8 [ edit ]

Wolverine: That's Shen Kuei, you know. The Cat? I would've liked throwin' down with him. Cyclops: We don't have the time, Wolverine. Leave him your phone number.

Emma: Cyclops-- what about Deadpool? Cyclops: Can't we leave him here? Beast--? Beast: Borderline unethical. Cyclops: The X-Men fight for human and mutant cooperation and mutual et cetera. ... *sigh*

Anaconda: That noise you hear, like bottles breaking-- those would be your ribs! Cable: That cold metallic chrome you're feeling on your back-- that would be the Chrysler Building.

Cable: If you try anything like this again, I'll throw you all into the ocean. Hammer: And what would Jesus say about that? Cable: He'd suggest inflatable swimmies.

Wolverine: We're having a debriefing. C'mon. Deadpool: That ain't like we're gonna swap underwear, is is? I mean, no thanks... Unless... Where's Emma Frost...?

Cyclops: We commissioned Deadpool to... obtain... eight components that had survived the destruction of Cable's original orbital base, Graymalkin. These components, though not created to work together, hold the key to stopping Cable's plans. Deadpool, do you have anything to add? Deadpool: Yeah, where's the telepathic thong chick? Cyclops: Emma Frost is keeping our conversation shielded from Cable's telepathy. Deadpool: We can have a conversation in my head. That would have taken care of that. [Everyone is silent] Deadpool: Exactly what part did you feebs not understand? Cyclops: The part after "We."

Cyclops: People. Focus. Let's discuss the options. Emma: Scott, you can't be serious. Deadpool can't be trusted. Wolverine: And we only get one shot at this. Beast: Oh, are we shooting already? Exactly when did this escalate from a potential problem to a real one? Deadpool: Ba-da-da-da-DUM-DUM-dum-dum my Sharona! [Everyone is silent] Deadpool: What? You guys don't like the classics?

Issue 9 [ edit ]

[Deadpool is going to fight Cable wearing a Marvel Girl costume] Deadpool: Let's go kick some mutant megalomaniac tushy! Once an X-Man, always an X-Man! Beast: You're not an X-Man. Deadpool: Us muties gotta stick together, right? Sometimes literally. I ever tell you 'bout the time I ran into Tar Baby in the sewer system? Beast: You're not a mutant, either. Deadpool: What're you looking at? It's not just a fashion statement, it's a strategic advantage. Nate'll be so busy checking out my legs-- and don't think I don't see you over there, Iceman-- that POW! He won't know what hit him! Cyclops: He'll change his mind, right? Beast: Give it six seconds, Scott. Cyclops: That's an eternity right now.

[The X-Men are attacking Providence] Rachel Summers: I-- I don't know if we should be doing this. Iceman: Ah, Rachel, it's just a twisted "pseudo-sibling-brother-and-sister-from-the-future-born-of-different-cloned-mothers" kind of thing. We get that all the time.

Beast: [to Providence residents] Don't mind us, we're just trying to distract the Big Kahuna. Iceman: Just think of it as reason number fifty why you shouldn't have come here in the first place! Seriously, what were you all thinking? Man: Uhm... That perhaps we could help make the world a better place? Iceman: Oh sure, go throw that back in our faces...

Deadpool: Penthouse view. Nothing but the best for Jesus Patton.

Cable: Not that I'm complaining, but why nail Wolverine and Bishop from behind-- and more importantly, why use concussive force blasts to stun them instead of double-tapping their heads? Deadpool: Maybe I got a better offer. Cable: The X-Men were the best offer you've ever had. Deadpool: ... Cable: You believe in me. Deadpool: Do not! Cable: You do! Deadpool: Shut up! Cable: You actually think I can pull this off? Deadpool: No, I don't! Cable: Then why did you double-cross the X-Men? [Deadpool is silent]

Issue 10 [ edit ]

[Cable is getting attacked by the Silver Surfer] Cable: Wouldn't you rather talk about this? Captain: The bogeys are incoming! Cable: ---Okay, listen, sundering the Pacific fleet at the atomic level and putting it back together again... that's really more work than I'd like right now. [They crash through the ship] Cable: But no, by all means, let's just go right ahead...

Deadpool: Hey, Cyclops, frickin' one-eyed angst-cushion!

Cyclops: Cable is out there -- up there -- fighting the Silver Surfer. Deadpool: The Silver Surfer. Cyclops: Yes. Deadpool: Cosmic-powered alien from another planet. Cyclops: Yes. Deadpool: Herald of Galactus, the planet-eater, stranded on Earth when he betrayed his boss. Cyclops: Yes. Deadpool: Well, that was the coolest expository dialogue I have ever had!

Cable: Do you get it yet? I did not turn myself into everything I've always stood against -- make myself a God-- just to come up short! You don't get it-- you're practically immortal -- I don't have that luxury! I've been from the future to the past and back again-- but I've run out of time! [Cable strikes down the Surfer] Cable: Why are you doing this? Why can't you see how important this is to me? Silver Surfer: I see your passion. [He blasts Cable's arm off, leaving him for dead] Silver Surfer: Passion begets hunger. Hunger consumes worlds.

Cyclops: You're asking me to risk the lives of thousands of people -- not to mention my own son -- because I should trust your instincts? Deadpool: No... Because you should trust Cable's

The Cat: [knocking Cyclops out with one blow] I am sorry, Cyclops, but we don't have the luxury to discuss this further. Deadpool: Yeah, that fight lasted as long as Deathlok's last comic.

The Cat: This is the component you were missing. Deadpool: But I took everything you had in Japan-- The Cat: Only what I allowed you to take. Deadpool: You are so totally the coolest... The Cat: But how do you plan to get it to Cable in time? Deadpool: We got this whole don't ask, don't tell thing goin'... not that there's anything wrong with that. Bodyslide by two... The Cat: Don't ask, don't tell--? ...Oh. Oh.

[Cable has been lobotomized] Deadpool: Nate... c'mon... wake up... say something to get me mad... tell me "According to Jim" is the best sitcom in television history. Tell me The Knack sucks. Something... Nate... ...Was it worth it?

Issue 11 [ edit ]

MODOK: Deadpool. Deadpool: Geez-Louise, you make Terence Stamp sound like Michael Jackson!

Weasel: Is that brain you're picking out of your mask? Deadpool: I don't want to talk about it.

Solo: We were hitting our fourth safehouse in two days-- and then-- then, I-- don't remember Hammer: There was some kind of telepathic security net-- I felt my mind-- sinking-- and-- Cable: And now you're here with me. Having tea.

Cable: What little telepathy I have left is being subconsciously used to protect my physical shell. I don't have enough 'juice' to free you. Domino: Which means...? Cable: We're all here until I die. So, how would you like your tea?

Deadpool: What we need is someone who can make an alien life form work with future tech and human skin. But he'd have to be, like, the best fixer of things in the world. Who could we ever get to do something like that? [Weasel looks at him] Weasel: You never heard of Norbert Ebersol-- the Fixer? Deadpool: Don't think so, why, what does he do...?

[Deadpool has just fallen into the Fixer's pool] Deadpool: (caption) Hey, naked Avengers painted on the side of the pool. This guy's a loser, but he's my kind of loser. Where's Sue Richards--? Duh, invisible! [Deadpool gets lifted out of the pool] Deadpool: Oh, c'mon-- was that really Thor? Very impressive Mjolnir. The Fixer: It's just part of my anger-management therapy.

The Fixer: You mean all along this was to save Cable? Deadpool: Yeah... that a problem? The Fixer: I'll save the Savior for free! Deadpool: He is not the-- The Fixer: Yeah, probably not, but just in case, I'll do it for half... Deadpool: Deal! So, before we leave, the guy who did your pool... can he paint any X-Men...?

The Fixer: I can fix this. Weasel: You've never seen anything like it? The Fixer: Nope. Weasel: And you don't have the slightest clue what it is or how it works? The Fixer: Nope. Deadpool: Okay, good enough for me!

Issue 12 [ edit ]

[Deadpool and Agent X are fighting] Deadpool: DIE! DIE, AGAIN! You! No, YOU! HEY! Cut that out! STOP COPY-- Agent X: --ING ME! I'm not copying you, YOU'RE copying me! No, I thought it FIRST! DID NOT! DID TOO! SON OF A-- DO NOT CALL MY MOMMA A--

Agent X: I hate you! Deadpool: Hah, gotcha beat, 'cause I hate me, too! This is gonna hurt you more than me... Agent X: No it's not, it's gonna hurt you way more 'cause you're a United Nations-lovin, Martha Stewart cozy-knitting girlie-man! [they crash onto the ground] Deadpool: See... didn't hurt a bit... Agent X: Me... neither... ooh, look, there's Kofi Annan-- Deadpool: Where? Agent X: I KNEW IT! Deadpool: [gets hit in the face] Oooh, foiled by my grasp of current events!

Weasel: What happened to Agent X-- Oh. Oh... you spelled out "Hi, Weasel" with his intestines. Deadpool: I knew you'd peek. Weasel: That was kinda... nice, Wade.

Cable: I'm like this cake, Hammer-- Hammer: That cake? Cable: Layers. You might like some more than others-- but all of them combined are what make this tasty treat so sweet!

Bridge: How do we get out of here? Cable: You have to hope Deadpool saves you before I pass on. Bridge: ... Crap.

The Fixer: What's with the sleeping beauties? And can we peek down the albino chick's shirt? Deadpool: Why bother with the real thing when you can just go on the internet? The Fixer: Who's more pathetic, me for thinkin' of groping real fun-pillows or you for not? Deadpool: Oh, totally me.

[Cable snaps awake] The Fixer: Hey, Wilson, your dream boy just woke up! Deadpool: Rob Lowe is here? Did I say that out loud?

Cable: I've done enough, haven't I? I've fought long enough! Let my last act-- showing people how this world could be better - let that be the end! Domino: Nate... that was just the beginning.

Agent X: You know another couple of funny words? Deadpool: Rumsfeld? Zygote? Agent X: Pancreas. And I want mine back. The Fixer: You took his pancreas? Deadpool: I had the sword out already, and well, he took a lot of my brain, I figured, it's just a little pancreas. The Fixer: Uhm... where is it? Deadpool: You know how we have these little pouches on our belts, but we never seem to use them...

The Fixer: Will you shut up! Deadpool: Sure, anything's worth a try, but I doubt it... [there is a flash of light as Cable regains consciousness] Cable: No... Wade... don't shut up... your voice... that ridiculous hollow Demi Moore rumble... is probably the sweetest sound I've ever heard. Deadpool: NATE?! I am so in the mood to go to a Broadway musical with you right now! Cable: You'll get over it. Deadpool: I don't want to ruin the moment, but I'm pretty sure it's Demee, not Demee. Cable: Yeah, that's a conundrum that lasts far into the future... Deadpool: So, baby alien all tamed and turned into a nifty new arm? Cable: Yes. I might even have a spatula in here somewhere. Deadpool: Spatula is still a funny word.

Cable: Wade, were you actually going to part with your own money to pay for my recovery? Deadpool: Well, I was gonna rob a bank or something, sure...

Irene: Nick Fury could bring S.H.I.E.L.D. down like a hammer and crush you anytime he wants. Cable: Yes. Irene: You need time to rest. Show them you're not going to cause any more trouble. Cable: Yes. Irene: You're going to keep pushing their buttons, aren't you? Cable: Yes...

The Human Race [ edit ]

Issue 13 [ edit ]

Deadpool: [from recap page] Been a month since I saved saved Cable's life. He's been recuperating -- well, sleeping mostly --on Providence, his South Pacific island think tank. Reading some dusty old scrolls, too. Something about somewhere called the Skornn and mumbling about rounding up some of old friends of his for some big fight. I suspect that's just a gratuitous continuity touch to another book to help us finally establish out timeline. I been hanging around mostly, keeping an eye on him, but between you n' me, I really got nothing better to do. By the way, Nicole [the editor] says it is just you n' me -- you're our only paying customer! Thanks, by the way.

Deadpool: [from recap page] When he "died," he left everyone on the planet warm an' fuzzy and hopeful, the way I get when I watch Evangeline Lilly.

Deadpool: My name is Wilson. Wade Wilson. I'm a dick. A private dick. A DETECTIVE! Never mind...

Deadpool: No spent bullet casings in the eighth [sewage] vat either. I was beginning to doubt I'd find any bullet casings. And considering bullets hadn't even been used in the murder... I was beginning to have some doubt that this would help solve the crime...

Deadpool: All I learned is that we have to stop serving creamed corn in the commissaries.

Deadpool: Then I'll do the autopsy! I've done them before... I mean, not to a dead guy -- but the cuts've gotta be pretty much the same, right?

Deadpool: [monologue] This place makes the best chimichanga on the island. Don't even like chimichangas all that much. I just love saying it. Deadpool: Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Waiter: What would you like, Mr. Wilson? Deadpool: An enchilada, por favor. Deadpool: [monologue] Food is free here on Providence. Shared hydroponic farms are already spittin' out crops. Got a machine that turns soy into any kind of meat. No need to slaughter cows or chickens, I mean, unless it's just for fun. Deadpool: Enchilada. Enchilada. Enchilada.

Issue 14 [ edit ]

Deadpool: [from recap page] My good buddy, Cable, he sort of made the place out of spare parts left over from his old humongo space station from the future. No, I'm not kidding. Work with me, it's the Marvel Universe here. It's supposed to be fun and wacky!

Prester John: I have dispensed the powers of my stellar rod in combat with the Fantastic Four and Thor. Deadpool: You -- really -- said -- stellar -- ro--bwahhahhahhahahhaha! [Jon blasts Deadpool with the rod. Deadpool sits on the floor, smoking.] Deadpool: Of course you know, this means war...

Deadpool: [after shooting Jon in the chest four times at point-blank range] Wow. That's really good chain mail.

Deadpool: We don't even know for sure that I killed him. [Cable looks silently at Deadpool] Deadpool: Okay, you got a point.

Cable: You know the biogeneticist who had worked with the X-Men -- Moira MacTaggert? Deadpool: I saw her on a Lucky Charms commercial once.

Issue 15 [ edit ]

Black Box: No, Mr. Wilson. Let us try this again. Who is the greatest threat to public safety? Deadpool: Clowns! Black Box: Okay... Again... Can we please move beyond this fixation with clowns? I'll grant you that clowns are a threat. There's your bone. But who is an even greater threat? Deadpool: Simon Cowell! Black Box: Worse. Deadpool: Galactus! Black Box: Less than that. Deadpool: Karl Rove! Black Box: Somewhere between Galactus and Karl, who, by the way, is a valued customer.

Deadpool: Siryn! And Cannonballs!

Deadpool: Okay, so, for once in my life I had a good idea. But I've been up here four days, and yes, it has been enjoyable in an oddly invigorating Helmut-Newton-meets-Jack-Kirby kind of way, but... I really have to go to the bathroom! Irene: Hold it in. Deadpool: You've been saying that for the last two days! Irene: You'll be fine. Deadpool: Excuse me. You're not inside my pants, are you? Don't speak for my bladder! Irene: I... never mind. Listen, Wade, we brought in a specialist. Deadpool: Is he a urinary tract guy? Forge: No, but I have been called a pain in the butt.

Forge: We've determined Cable's not on Earth, so I equipped your harness with interspatial and intraspatial fluctuators. Deadpool: I've had both after eating Taco Bell.

Deadpool: [monologue] It's a world where the psycho mutant monster known as Apocalypse has taken over and made me speak in expository captions! It's like some sort of... Age of Apocalypse. But probably not the Age of Apocalypse. More like an Age of Apocalypse.

Deadpool: Okay, the off-worlder surrenders now. The Blob: You don't surrender -- you die -- Famine is hungry! Deadpool: Famine looks like he could live off his own fat for about fifty years there, Blobby.

Deadpool: This is really going to hurt and I still have to pee... Archangel (Death): Bring him to The Master. But cripple him first. Start with his jaw... Deadpool: Don't suppose any of you could just fall on my sword...

Siryn: The Blob? Apparently he's detestable in every reality. Deadpool: Hey, Red. Thanks for the angle. Hey, wait a minute -- how do I know you're not the Anti-Siryn? Then again, you aren't sporting the mirror universe-mandated "Evil Goatee." Siryn: Wade, let's go! I'll emit a rapid-wave burst that to soften the webbing. Deadpool: Is it really you...? Siryn: Okay, fine -- who else knows that you cried when they cancelled "Manimal"? Deadpool: You're my girl!

Deadpool: Wow. Remember in "Animal House" when the marching band walks into a dead-end alley? Siryn: An' then they're incinerated by a butchering madman? Deadpool: Well, maybe if Wes Craven had directed it... Cannonball: Everything is so wrong... If even Spider-Man could be corrupted... Deadpool: Hey, don't give that guy too much credit. He was gonna suck the marrow out of my bones. Even with my healing factor, I only let the Lombardi Twins do that...

Cable (War): You have no idea, Wade, how much I've missed that gravelly Demi Moore voice... Nor how much I regret... Having been the one who silenced it! With that, I must admit, the chance to kill you again is a very pleasant surprise... Deadpool: I'm pretty sure... it's Demee...

Issue 16 [ edit ]

Issue 17 [ edit ]

Issue 18 [ edit ]

Bosom Buddies [ edit ]

Issue 19 [ edit ]

Cable: I'm reasonably certain I spent my seventeenth birthday the same way I spent every other day... Deadpool: Telekinetically undressing hot future babes? Cable: You weren't kidding. Deadpool: What? Cable: When you said you were just as much of an idiot before the brain damage. Deadpool: Oh, no-- totally the truth.

Deadpool: My old man was army. My mom died when I was five, then we bounced around a lot. A lot... Cable: Is that where you got such discriminating international tastes? Deadpool: I can say chimichanga in seven languages.

Cable: I could never lose hope, Wade. Ever. Deadpool: An' I could never afford to have it. Ever.

Deadpool: That aging thing is almost done. Cable: I can't see a mirror. Deadpool: Yeah, better off that way. Cable: Oh, you're making ugly cracks now?

Deadpool: So what was I gonna do, cry all mopey for having been dealt a crappy hand? Frig that. Just play the cards, right? Cable: Right. Deadpool: I'm sayin' even if every hand sucks, right? Look at your daily schedule growin' up: Breakfast. Fight. Lunch. Fight. Dinner. Fight. Sleep. Wake-up. Fight. Breakfast. Fight... Cable: Sometimes we would skip breakfast. Deadpool: See, now and that's the most important meal of the day.

Cable: Life chose me. What about you? Deadpool: I don't know. Never gave it much thought. Cable: Liar. Deadpool: Okay, fine. What if I said I chose life to choose for me? Cable: I'd say that was a tremendous cop-out. Deadpool: The answer or the choice? Cable: You tell me. Deadpool: It was what it was, Nate. I mean, we're not s'posed to be Dr. Phil-hags, getting all touchy-feely. Cable: There's a difference between flagellating it to death... and completely denying it. Deadpool: You saying I'm not telling you the truth about something? Cable: I don't know. Maybe you're not telling yourself the truth? Deadpool: I don't know. I thought Flagellan was the guy who sailed around the world...

Deadpool: So? Cable: The truth. Deadpool: You first. [they walk away together in silence]

Issue 20 [ edit ]

Deadpool This is Deadpool. Caller: The... mercenary--? Deadpool: I prefer 'well-compensated establishment provocateur.' Caller: Ah. Yes. Have you ever heard of the Dominus Corporation? Deadpool: Nope. Caller: It's in California. Deadpool: I refuse to go to California on moral grounds and on account of several outstanding warrants... Caller: I am willing to pay a handsome sum. Deadpool: Okay! Oh, wait-- I almost forgot, this is the new me-- I have to ask what the job is. Caller: Does it really matter? Deadpool: Not to me, but I got a friend who's all holier-than-thou... Caller: I need you to steal something from the Dominus Corporation. Deadpool: Oh. Okay. Yeah, that should be all right. So... how handsome? ... I was expecting like Brad Pitt gorgeous and you're offering me Elijah Wood! Attractive, sure, but in an off kilter kind of way! ...No, as a matter of strict fact, I am in a considerably horrible position to bargain. Okay, yup. Nope. Uh-huh. Laguardia? Grrrr. Okay. Coach? Grrr. Okay...

Deadpool: This is one incredibly white room. This room is incredibly white enough for the Klan to hide in. Clean enough for Felix Unger to lick the floors. I feel conspicuous in a highly unprofessional manner.

Deadpool: You almost look familiar. Did I spin you like a beanie propeller and leave you in a motel in Dubuque?

Deadpool: I just wanna take a minute of your time to prove that fantasy was bogus! So let's go, ladies, right here, right now! Black Mamba: He... he's wearing yellow panties. Asp: Women's panties... Deadpool: It was part of a... spare costume... uhm... I sorta let the laundry slide this week... But still-- I mean, so what--? I'm even more of a man for wearing these! Really-- I can prove it to you... I didn't mean a minute for all three of you! Did you ever have one of those lives...?

Accountant: Please don't hit me again and I'll do your taxes for free for five years! Deadpool: Ten. Accountant: Deal. Deadpool: Yeah, 'cept I don't pay taxes!

Cable: I understand your concerns as head of security -- I do -- but maximizing our population base is all part of the plan. Johann: What plan? Cable: Why, my secret insidious plan to rule the world, of course. Pull! [Cable shoots a skeet to pieces] Johann: You know, Nathan... I have no idea if you're joking or not... [Cable smirks]

Deadpool: Man, I love duct tape. I love how it tapes. I love the sound it makes. I love saying it. Duct tape, duct tape, duct tape. [he tiptoes through the hallway] Duct tape, duct tape, duct tape...

Weasel: Wayd-- id dad du? Deadpool: Uhm... yo no hablo ingles. Weasel: Wayd, du iddit, I doh door boice. Deadpool: Drat! Everyone gets my voice on account of the hollow, crinkly De-mee sound it makes and the funky yellow balloons.

Deadpool: What the heck is the Dominus Objective? Weasel: It's what you were hired to steal. It's not a program so much as it's a secondary hard drive that acts like a virus that acts like a server. Deadpool: Once, my TV didn't work, so I kicked it. [He smiles] And then it started working again.

Issue 21 [ edit ]

Weasel: I didn't do anything-- I was hired by Rand-Meachum to clean their server, and I did! Luke Cage: Yeah, that explains why you're looking t'run away! Weasel: I'm trying to run away because you can bench press Rhode Island!

[Black Mamba has just incapacitated Weasel, Deadpool, Cable, Luke Cage and Iron Fist by showing them their darkest fantasies] Weasel: I think it would be for the best if I just didn't ask... [It's revealed that Deadpool is straddling Cable and Iron Fist is straddling Luke Cage] Deadpool: Did anyone else have a dream involving suntan lotion? For serious. Iron Fist: Can we go inside now? Luke Cage: Yeah. Cable: Yes. Weasel: I'll go to jail right now just to get away from here.

Deadpool: Hey, wait up! Cable: You could have tried to help your friend. I would have had your back. Deadpool: Yeah, I know. ...That's why I didn't do it. Cop: You-- uhm-- you're under-- arrest-- and this jet is being impounded-- Cable and Deadpool: Bodyslide by two.

Issue 22 [ edit ]

Deadpool: Good sparring. Cable: Was missing something... Deadpool: Massage oil? ...did I say that out loud? [Cable smacks Deadpool in the head with his elbow] Cable: That's what was missing. Deadpool: Ben Gay... stat! Irene Merryweather: If you boys are quite through eroticizing...?

Irene: And speaking of... does it make sense for you to always be shedding your clothes around me? Cable: I'm sorry. In my future, soldiers of both sexes fought, bathed and dressed side by side. Irene: Well, let's hope the evangelicals win this one... Cable: What was that? Irene: Nothing.

Makeshift: HE STILL WON'T SHUT UP! Getting killed by him was actually a relief! Deadpool: How do you spell relief? D-E-A-D-P-O-L! Rive: Did he misspell his own name? Deadpool: Rolaids only has seven letters.

Deadpool: I think once you find something that works, stick with it. Like me. Deadpool. Swords. Gushkt.

Cable: [punching straight through the Black Box's armor] Ah, to see a man of knowledge resort to brute strength...

[Deadpool is killing large amounts of the same two people]

Deadpool: NATE! I think we're neck-deep in a low-down dirty stinking cloning thing going on here! Cable: That would fall under the category of: no kidding.

Issue 23 [ edit ]

Cable: You can have all the women. Leave Bashur to me... Deadpool: I can have all the women even without your permission!

Deadpool: This is like playing a video game. Though you'd think I'd jump at the opportunity for reckless, guilt-free carnage, I find it oddly unsettling. Makeshift: We're all alive! We all breathe-- think and feel-- Deadpool: Yeah, you opened your mouths, so I'm okay with it now...

Deadpool: Cable--? Oh, c'mon, I thought we were past that whole "turn Cable's body into walking scrubbing bubbles" method of attack! Cable: So did I. Everything old is new again. Go figure.

Bashur: Easy for you to say. I didn't notice any Commcast comic books on the infonet. Cable: You have a toy. Not bad considering it was such a dumb name. Bashur: I had it before the cable company! I think. Cable: Glass houses. Cable is a dumb name, too...

The Cat: Wilson-- cover my back. Deadpool: You're letting me cover your back? Oh, this is so totally cool! Weasel's gonna fart-- oh wait, forgot I'm not friends with him anymore... Okay, I'll make friends with him again just to tell him, but then I'll break up with him again. Not break up like we're going out or anything! I'm all man I tellya! C'mere-- you snake chicks and all twenty of you Rives and Makeshifts and I'll show all of you!

Bashur: All roads lead to one tangled knot-- all strings tied to each other... the sum of its parts choking all life from the planet... and from the ashes... from the thick cloud of death we brought upon ourselves... life begins anew... hope is held out... by one man... all of it led by one man... Cable: And now you understand...

Irene: Funny. You're always such a cut-up when you go into 'know-it-all' mode. Cable: What good is having power if you can't flaunt it over your friends?

Issue 24 [ edit ]

Cable: Knowing something and being able to do something with that knowledge are two different things, Irene. Irene: Thank you, Zen master. Cable: I hired Deadpool to scuttle the 'Cone of Silence'. Since they moved it out of Fort Dix, we can't track it down. Irene: Too busy scouring for new Paris Hilton videos, I'm sure. Cable: No. But we did find some photos you took during that sorority pledge at Columbia... Irene: I hate you.

Irene: ...I really can't believe how nice your apartment is... Deadpool: Well... I have to be honest... I tidied up a bit when I found out you were coming. You know, Irene... you could have told me all this over the phone... you didn't have to come over... unless... you wanted to see me. Some champagne? Fresh beluga and blinis? Irene: Are you... you're not-- please say you're not-- are you... hitting on me? Deadpool: If I may-- you're looking mighty fresh for a woman in her pre-menopausal years. [Irene screams]

Spider-man: You should be scared of me, Deadpool. Deadpool: But you were so adorable in your movies. Tobey Maguire-teary doe-eyes, disheveled hope and that sweet lisp...

Deadpool: Okay, so when I got bitten by a radioactive spider-- all I got was this rash on my thigh like you wouldn't believe-- that doesn't mean I can't do some fancy moves, too! Spider-man: Fancy? You got thighs like a tree-- you move like a groundhog-- you got no lean, mean grooves! Chicks don't dig you-- and kids don't wear Deadpool underoos! Deadpool: I've had like-- three action figures of me-- and I heard they might make a plush toy, too! And t-shirts. So... so... so there! Okay, fine, you win that round. But I've killed like hundreds more people than you have! Spider-man: And that's supposed to be a plus, you're thinking? Deadpool: Well, never convicted, so there's that...

Ken Ellis: [Spider-Man], can you please unweb my photographer so we can go expose government waste? Deadpool: Yeah. Some nerve you got cocooning a member of the fifth estate. Ken Ellis: Fourth. Deadpool: Some nerve. Spider-man: Yeah... Deadpool: I was thinking of the fifth dimension. Ken Ellis: Of course you were.

Cable: For reasons I can't tell you, I knew Spider-man would have little choice but to let Deadpool go with Ellis. Irene: And you're okay with Wilson using innocent civilians? Cable: But he didn't hurt anyone, did he? Irene: But he was going to! Cable: But he didn't. Irene: Because you took the choice out of his hands! Cable: It's called being a good friend. Irene: You could rationalize anything...

Living Legends [ edit ]

Issue 25 [ edit ]

[recap page] Cable: My name is Nathan Summers. Also called Cable. Deadpool: Also called Priscilla, Savior of the World. Cable: I can hurt you. I will hurt you. You're barely in this issue, so make what little panel time you have worthwhile. Deadpool: And so I shall. By making fun of you.

Issue 26 [ edit ]

Irene: Black Box has scoured the currents of the infostream, but Nathan's trail is negligible. Our chief of security, Johann Kriek, maintains his old Interpol contacts. They've informed him that there have been several museum thefts in the last six months. Deadpool: Okay, I followed you as far as Nate being on the Goodyear Blimp, but now you've lost me. Irene: Good... year...? ... I said negligible, you idiot, not dirigible! Oh lord, why was it so easy for me to follow your twisted mind...? Deadpool: Irene Merryweather, former girl reporter, now Cable's Chief of Staff -- we were destined to find great love.

Deadpool: So... you need my help? It's okay to say it, y'know. Irene: I know it is, Wade. Deadpool: So say it. Irene: Excuse me? Deadpool: Say you need my help to find Nate and I'll help you. Irene: I need your help, Wade. Deadpool: No prob, look how easy it is. Bodyslide by two! [nothing happens] Deadpool: Uhm... what happened to the mutual teleporting schtick Nate and I had going? When one of us would say "Bodyslide by two!" and we'd be joined together instantly in time and space? Remember...? Irene: Useless.

Deadpool: Can I see? Irene: They're following you? Deadpool: I heard you scream! Irene: But they're following you! Deadpool: BUT I HEARD YOU SCREAM! Irene: Uhm... let's table this conversation. Deadpool: On account of the ancient spaceship opening up and someone coming from inside it? Irene: I hate you.

Issue 27 [ edit ]

Cable: No, I'm not. Deadpool: Yes, you are! Cable: Wade, I'm not being mind-controlled. Deadpool: You're a clone? Cable: No. Deadpool: An evil alternate future timeline version of yourself... ah... wait-- no goatee... crap! Cable: I am me. I am fine. I know what I'm doing.

Ozymandias: The Askani'son knows how yesterday flows like blood through the veins of time... today is but a minor obstacle in that current of which all tributaries lead to tomorrow. Deadpool: Today... I can be a major obstacle... Cable: No, Wade, what Ozymandias is boiling it down to is, "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." Deadpool: Good enough for me. Irene: That's good enough? Well, of course, an offer of corn dogs and Mountain Dew would have been good enough for you! Deadpool: Ooh, is there Dew?

Deadpool: Wow, it's like Willy Wonka... well, if Wonka were Dracula and the chocolate factory was an abattoir...

Deadpool: [to a Dark Rider] Oh, worried about your boss? Yeah, you should be. Cable: Don't push too hard, Wade. Apocalypse is, always has been and always will be the second most dangerous thing alive. It just so happens... that I'm the first.

Issue 28 [ edit ]

Weasel: I was worried-- I thought, well, after the problems we had. Deadpool: What with you stealing stuff I was trying to steal then lying to me about it when I stuck up for you against the people who were accusing you of stealing it? Weasel: Uhm... yeah... that... Wade, listen, I know you're in tight with Cable and all now, trying to do things a bit more... on the up-and-up... after what happened a few months back.. well, I went through the system. All legal-like. I pled out a deal that got me sprung after four months. Deadpool: You took the stint-- did the time-- you did that... for me? Weasel: Pretty much. Also to avoid a life sentence for everything they had on me. Deadpool: Well... just so you know... that whole time... just in case we could square things between us... I TIVO'ed every episode of Battlestar Galactica for you. Domino: (caption) Get a room.

Issue 29 [ edit ]

[recap page] Deadpool: First let me say, you're handling this whole fourth-wall recap page thing much better than last issue's guest. Citizen V: It's a British thing. Deadpool: Like bad teeth? Citizen V: Like aplomb. Deadpool: A plum? Citizen V: Aplomb. Balance. Decorum. Grace under pressure. Deadpool: Is it true you grabbed a guy's huevos during a fight? Is that like two plums?

Deadpool: 'Scuze me, pardon me, 'scuze me-- Hey, no copping a cheap feel there-- oh, I'm sorry, that was me doing the copping...

[Domino has shot Rumekistan's dictator, Flag-Smasher] Cable: The person responsible for Flag-Smasher's death was only acting on your behalf. Thinking I planned to assassinate your usurper, she was only trying to spare me the guilt of completing the task... she did this, assumed this heavy burden, because she is and always has been... [he looks up at Domino] ...a very good friend.

Deadpool: I didn't shoot him. Cable: I know, Wade. Deadpool: I mean, I coulda-- I was gonna-- just wing him like we talked about, but I didn't. Cable: I know, Wade. Deadpool: What I'm trying to explain is that I didn't kill him, is all... Cable: I know, Wade... I know you didn't...

Cable: You removed a presumed burden of guilt from my shoulders by taking out Flag-Smasher... and now you don't trust that I can handle the burden at all? [Domino is silent] Cable: SAY SOMETHING! [Domino remains silent] Cable: ... Dom... I'm sorry... I-- you don't have to believe me... You don't even have to believe in me... I just wish you did... [Cable leaves]

Citizen V: This fight is completely unnecessary. Deadpool: Blasphemy! All fights are necessary.

Citizen V: This is absurd! You idiot! I want Cable in power-- why are we still hitting each other? [the fight continues] Citizen V: Well? Deadpool: I don't know how to answer you! Citizen V: So you just keep fighting? Deadpool: I was hoping you'd forget you asked the question! Citizen V: Enough, then. I'm done. Deadpool: HAH! GOTCHA THEN! [Deadpool punches Citizen V in the face, knocking him unconscious] Deadpool: I win. Okay. What did I just win?

Deadpool: Here's the guy who was impersonatic Petrovic. Regular Rich Little we got. [Domino is startled] Deadpool: Wow, Petey, you were actually surprised there. I never seen you caught off-guard. Moonin' over Nate on TV, huh? He does look pretty rugged there, don't he? [they glare at each other]

Deadpool: --So then he just stopped fighting. Lowered his arms. Weasel: Oh, man. You took the free shot, right? Deadpool: Totally.

Cable: Leave some food for the masses. Deadpool: Okay. Cable: Our little problem with Petrovic? Deadpool: Taken care of. Cable: It was Citizen V in a holographic disguise? Deadpool: Nope. It was Colonel Mustard with the candlestick. Cable: Where is he now? Deadpool: Sleeping with Domino. Cable: I won't ask.

Michael Straka: Domino-- please don't make me choose between you! Domino: Apparently, Michael, your choice is already made. Michael: Then why can't you accept it? Cable: Because she doesn't trust me. She can't. She thinks I'm going to ruin this. [Domino pulls her gun away from Cable's head] Cable: Like I have everything else for as long as she's known me.

Civil War [ edit ]

Issue 30 [ edit ]

[Deadpool is attacking the Great Lakes Avengers] Deadpool: (caption) Today I'm spreading my menace all over a bunch of renegade, trouble-making super-hero wannabes called the Great Lakes Avengers. Mr. Immortal: We're the Great Lakes Champions now! Deadpool: (caption) Weird, how he could read my captions like that? Anyway, the team of Mr. Immortal, Flatman, Doorman and Big Bertha. Please don't ask me which is which. You might think they're bigger feebs than the New Warriors, and you'd be right, but I needed a notch in my hero-hunting belt. Mr. Immortal: We are not feebs! Deadpool: (caption) Hey, that's twice now. What's going on here? Big Bertha: You're saying everything out loud! Deadpool: (caption) I am? Big Bertha: YES! Deadpool: (caption) Oh, weird. Coulda sworn I was in first person narrative form.

Deadpool: My name is Wade Wilson, publicly recognized mutant member of the X-Men known as Deadpool, and I am officially bringing the Great Lakes Champions to justice so that they will be forced to sign the Superhuman Registration Act! Lieutenant: Uhm, they already registered. Deadpool: They did? Lieutenant: They were waiting in line the morning the act was announced. Deadpool: They were? Mr. Immortal: I tried to tell you. Deadpool: But you didn't! Mr. Immortal: Because you cut my head off! Deadpool: Oh. Mr. Immortal: And you're not an X-Man. Deadpool: I am, too! Mr. Immortal: You're not even a mutant! Deadpool: Oh, and you have the card set or something? Mr. Immortal: Uhm... no.... I, uh... Deadpool: You do have the card set! Mr. Immortal: Well, uh...not in mylar or nothin'...just for flipping... Deadpool: I'd like to flip Shadowcat, she's as ripe as - Squirrel Girl: Shut your evil, evil pie hole!

Agent Hafner: How would you like to become a licensed operative of the United States government? Deadpool: Mass transit? Waste management? EPA cleanup guy? Agent Hafner: Bounty hunter. Tracking down superhumans who refuse to register and bringing them to justice. Deadpool: Can I hurt them? Agent Hafner: As circumstances warrant. Deadpool: Does that mean I can hurt them?

Deadpool: You wanna join me? Figure we'd go after Mr. Fantastic first, big public knockdown... Cable: He already registered. Deadpool: He did? I better figure out whose side everyone's on, huh? Cable: That would probably be a good idea.

Deadpool: So what're you doing in the city? Cable: Have a meeting. Deadpool: Who with? Cable: A guy. Deadpool: 'Bout what? Cable: A thing. Deadpool: Cool.

Cable: Wade, you never asked me... whose side am I on? Deadpool: Yeah? Oh. Honestly, Nate, I figure you're pretty much above all this B.S., right? Cable: Right...

Deadpool: See how you like it when I smack you with an interspatial distorter that will temporarily phase your brain into Dimension X! Daredevil: ...This is an iPod with a piece of masking tape attached to it. Deadpool: It is. Ah, but for a second there, you were really worried! Daredevil: Idiot. Why are you doing this? I thought Cable was on our side? Deadpool: Oh, and like I'm attached to Cable like a baby to its mother's teat? Is that what you're saying? Daredevil: Oh, lord, no...

Deadpool: Holy Toledo! It's Brett Hendrick, Victor Tegler and Rockwell Dodsworth (what kind of a name is Rockwell?)! And the ripe, nubile Young Avengers! And I am especially discomfited to admit that Wiccan and Hulkling are looking especially nubile...

Issue 31 [ edit ]

[Deadpool is scoping out his enemies] Deadpool: Fighting a dude in a skirt. My advantage. Hmm... [slides between Hercules' legs] Godly endowments. His advantage.

[Deadpool has been knocked unconscious] Captain America: He has an enhanced healing factor, right? How long will that keep him out? Cable: Not nearly long enough. Captain America: What do you recommend we do with him? Cable: Duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape. At least one roll for his mouth alone. [Deadpool can be seen in a cocoon of duct tape]

[Deadpool has been duct taped to a chair] Deadpool: I have to pee. [Deadpool is struggling violently, then gives up] Deadpool: I really have to pee. Cable: This isn't a game anymore, Wade. I went to help them on a mission. One of our members was killed. Deadpool: Wait a minute--- serious-- not by one of us good guys-- I got like a six-hour lecture on not capping anyone! Cable: Someone forgot to tell that to Thor. Deadpool: Thor is dead. Cable: Someone forgot to tell him that, too. Deadpool: That kinda sucks. I mean, which one was it? Not that nubile Wiccan guy, I hope. I mean, losing any of those adorable, top-selling Young Avengers would be wrong in so many ways... Cable: Just stop... Deadpool: I really have to pee.

[Cable and Deadpool have just teleported into the Oval Office] Deadpool: Mr. President... I have to pee. [silence] President: Third down on the right. One of you boys help him out. Deadpool: Thanks. Yer the best.

Issue 32 [ edit ]

[Deadpool is fighting Cable] Deadpool: (caption) Have to finish this fast before he hardwires my brain with the Backstreet Boys catalogue. Deadpool: (out loud) How could you even think of hardwiring the Backstreet Boys into my brain, you evil, evil man! [Cable lifts him with his telekinesis] Oh-oh. Deadpool: (caption) Oh-oh. Did I say that out loud? Echo. Deadpool: (out loud) Echo. Cable: Been a while since we played, Wade. I forgot how fast you are. So... You were saying something about the Backstreet Boys? Deadpool: Evil, evil man!

[Deadpool wakes up duct taped again] Deadpool: No, don't tickle me there you naughty naughty... uhm... the usual dream, huh? Cable: Pretty much. Deadpool: I broke your nose, huh? That's funny. Cable: I duct taped you again. That's funny, too...

Deadpool: Seriously, they can't worry about, oooooh, thousands of years of history like you can-- the rest of us live day by day and their job is to make sure the sun comes up tomorrow! Cable: The sun will always come up tomorrow, Wade. The decisions you're talking about really mean: will there be any life left on Earth to bask in its rays? Deadpool: Maybe they're trying to make sure there will be. Cable: Maybe they're ensuring there won't be. Deadpool: Yeah, Nate, I get it, okay? I get all of it. We do what we think is best, but good ol' Nate Askani'son Gesundheit, boy savior from the future... he always, always-- knows what's best.

Deadpool: You had no right to make a total mess of everything on my account-- that's what I'm supposed to do! Cable: You can do so much more by my side. You have to trust me. Deadpool: Trust you? You mean 'obey you', right? How about this time I say, 'screw you!'. You win this battle, Nate... but you're going to lose the war. Cable: Maybe. I guess one thing was decided for certain this day. Deadpool: That you're a putz? Cable: At least now we know... which side we're both on... [they stare at each other in silence]

Paved With Good Intentions [ edit ]

Issue 33 [ edit ]

Deadpool: So, 'bodyslide by two' and you teleport me into the middle of a freakin' nuclear explosion?!

Cable: Sorry... I dragged you... into this... Deadpool: Yeah, now that we're not bestest buds any more, I'd appreciate you not forcing me along on these little rides! Cable: Yeah... that whole... genetic-link thing... makes divorce... kind of tough... [Cable passes out] Deadpool: Nate--? Did you pass out? Wuss. [Deadpool passes out]

Deadpool: Hey, up and about. Cool. Now let me get the hell out of here. Cable: I'm glad you're okay. Deadpool: Yeah, that and a bucket of popcorn gets me a bucket of popcorn.

Issue 34 [ edit ]

Bridge and Domino: SHUT UP! Deadpool: God knows I have tried. Just ask him. 'Cause if you don't drop the load, you'll be seeing him in a second.

Domino: You know the others make fun of you for that. Cable: For what? Domino: The 'know-it-all' Mr. Mystery Man from the future B.S. Cable: Eventually, the joke will be on them. Domino: And when will that be? Cable: When they find out I've been telling the truth.

Bridge: What do we say when it tastes like crap? Domino: Cash the check. Buy some mints.

Deadpool: Here comes the lecture, right? Cable: No, Wade... I know I'm a... difficult... person to maintain a... friendship... with. I also can't be mad at you for simply being who you are. Though I really do think your recent actions will force you to think a bit more about why you are the way you are. What I can do is ask you to leave my country and never return, so... get the hell out of my country and never come back!

Issue 35 [ edit ]

Domino: Five o'clock Infonet relaxation time. You say you're downloading the day's news, but I know you're watching The View. Cable: Rosie's made it interesting, don't you think?

Cable: Irene... is something wrong? Domino: [about to kick him in the head] Nate--- don't turn away-- [she kicks him] Cable: [unharmed] You okay? Domino: Of course. You? Cable: Of course.

Domino: Irene Merryweather, former girl reporter and your current Chief of Staff, totally hates my guts. Cable: Totally. Domino: This is going to be a problem for you? Cable: Definitely. But I'd rather just completely avoid dealing with it for now. Domino: Yes, that strategy will work...

Deadpool: If this is a permanent thing, it could make life kinda tough. Barman: If what is--? Deadpool: A conscience.

Deadpool: (caption) Son of a--- well, technically, son of a mutant X-Man and clone of a mutant who died (then came back several times depending on quarterly publishing budgetary needs) who was then infected by a techno-organic virus-- and sent to the future by his father in order to save him, which forced him to be raised in a harsh world where he fought for survival every single day.

Cable: Did you actually go to a bar with a grenade in your pocket?! Deadpool: Or am I just happy to see you?

Cable: [getting shot at] Will you stop?! Deadpool: We were through -- done -- we got a divorce, right? So why are you here and still #@$%ING with my HEAD?!

Deadpool: You're an idiot sometimes, you know that? With all the baggage I carry around in my brain-friend brain-pan, did you really think some kind of subliminal implant about the people I killed would've made me-- do, what--? Feel all bad about myself -- boo hoo -- and come running back to you begging forgiveness for the Civil War and Rumekistan and the thing with the gogurts and-- Cable: Gogurts? Deadpool: That's not important right now! So-- did you really think it would work--? Cable: [embarrassed] Well... yes...

[Cable and Deadpool are alone on a rooftop] Deadpool: Just don't say anything for a few minutes. Okay...? Cable: ... Always comes back to this. For two people who say they don't need each other, both of us keep doing a lot of stupid things to try and stay together. [Cable flies off]