Is gender-neutral parenting bad parenting? A social worker is making that claim about an Iowa mom

Lee Rood | The Des Moines Register

Show Caption Hide Caption Canada: life as a transgender kid In Canada, some youngsters with gender dysphoria, a conflict between biological sex and gender identity, are being supported with some provinces allowing over-18s to change sex officially without undergoing gender surgery. Video prov

A Des Moines child protective worker raised concerns to authorities this month about a mother’s use of gender-neutral pronouns when referring to her child.

The mother questions whether the social worker's motivation is more political than protective.

Bridget Nelson said her 5-year-old wandered away from their small Sherman Hill efficiency twice in a week’s time, prompting child protective worker Darla Brown to seek a judge’s permission to place the child in an emergency shelter.

In a temporary removal application to a Polk County juvenile judge, Brown wrote that Nelson "is a self-described nocturnal anarchist who is raising (the child) to be gender neutral and refers to her daughter as 'they.'"

Nelson, 29, contacted Reader's Watchdog, saying she was trying to take responsibility for her child leaving the apartment. She says she passed a requested drug test and installed new locks and an alarm on the apartment door to keep the child from leaving the home unsupervised.

But, she said, the social worker's persistence in raising her parenting style to police and juvenile authorities seemed over-the-top and political.

"I am incredibly lucky to be battling DHS instead of truly not knowing where my child is or if they are alive," she said. "But I'm just trying to be open-minded. Gender is a social construct, as far as I understand."

Differing views over gender-neutral parenting

Gender neutrality — the idea that language, policies and social institutions should avoid distinguishing sex or gender roles to aid development and avoid discrimination — has become controversial in the United States and other countries in recent years.

While parents are often encouraged to be supportive of youth struggling with gender identity, experts in social work, psychology and academia have disagreed on whether raising children without reference to gender is good for child development.

The American Psychiatric Association has taken no position on gender-neutral parenting. Neither has the American Pediatric Society.

According to the American Psychological Association, people with gender dysphoria can experience distress and problems functioning when there’s a conflict between the way they feel and think of themselves and their physical or assigned gender.

But some believe gender-neutral parenting can actually lead to gender dysphoria.

Mike Sorci, who heads the Youth Law Center of Des Moines that represents children’s interests in Polk County child abuse hearings, said child neglect may be at play.

"If it results in a psychopathology situation where the child is suffering from gender dysphoria, then it needs to be looked at by a therapist to see if the parents are creating the situation that is resulting in gender dysphoria," he said.

What does being transgender mean? People who are called "transgender" have a gender identity or expression that differs from the gender typically associated with the sex that they were assigned at birth.

Sorci added: “Some children have attachment issues. Others have gender issues that don’t allow them to fully function in classrooms. It has to be on a case-by-case basis.”

A spokesperson for Iowa’s Department of Human Services told Reader's Watchdog the agency does not have policies or procedures that would "characterize the use of gender-neutral pronouns as meeting the criteria for mental injury."

"Mental injury is a category of abuse that is defined as an injury to a child's intellectual or psychological capacity," spokesperson Matt Highland said. "In order to be considered abuse, there must be observable and substantial impairment in the child's ability to function as a result of the acts or omissions of a person responsible for the care of the child."

The state could be wading into sticky legal territory if social workers use gender-neutral parenting as a reason to continue to deny parents custody of a child.

The ACLU of Iowa says parents generally have a right to raise their children as they see fit.

"The government cannot override the child-rearing decisions of a fit parent merely because the government or a government employee disagrees," the organization’s policy director, Daniel Zeno, said in a statement.

The child has wandered away before

Nelson said she was sleeping when her child left the apartment the afternoon of July 16.

The child was found next to Gateway Market by someone in the neighborhood who talked to police not long after Nelson had called 911.

The child “was out of the apartment for about 10 minutes when I noticed the door ajar,” Nelson said. “I thought she understood how dangerous that was.”

The child had told Nelson about going to Gateway for a Popsicle.

The second time the 5-year-old wandered off was July 21, having gone missing for more than an hour when three strangers found the child near Martin Luther King Jr. Parkway, a police report states.

The same police report said Nelson told police she had been "nocturnal, lately" and had gone to sleep that morning at 10:30 a.m. and awoke around 5:15 p.m. to find the child missing.

A next-door neighbor and a U.S. mail worker subsequently expressed concern to police about the child often being left unattended outside and said Human Services had been called before.

Nelson said Brown, the social worker, asked her to take a drug test the following Monday, which she passed. Nelson also said she installed new locks and an alarm to prevent the 5-year-old from getting out.

Use of 'they,' 'them' and 'their' for child caused concern

But Nelson also said that Brown told her in a phone call afterward that she continued to have concerns about the mother's gender-neutral parenting.

Brown persisted, Nelson said, even though the mother said she didn't insist others use gender-neutral pronouns in reference to the child; Nelson used them at home.

“She said she didn’t approve of me using 'they,' ‘them’ and ‘their’ pronouns, which sound plural to most people," Nelson said. "She said she thinks it’s harming (the child's) mental health and sense of identity."

Brown and the child’s guardian ad litem talked about Nelson’s gender-neutral parenting before a child-welfare hearing last week to discuss the 5-year-old's shelter placement.

Both asked to close the hearing from the media, saying “sensitive identity issues” would be discussed.

The mother questioned last week whether the social worker’s politics were affecting her case. But she also failed to show up at the hearing having to do with her child’s removal.

Who should decide about parenting?

In the United States and other countries, some parents refuse to impose gender of any kind on a child.

One Toronto couple made international headlines for not revealing the gender of their 3-year-old.

In an email to family and friends, the parents explained their decision was "a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation," according to the Toronto Star.

Most, however, simply aim to bring up children in an environment free from gender stereotypes.

Before Friday's hearing, Nelson told Reader's Watchdog she’s identified as a feminist since her teens and has done a lot of reading on gender identity and gender abolition.

She said she was a student at Des Moines Area Community College’s urban campus until February. She said she was finishing up an associate’s degree but wasn’t yet willing to commit to pursuing a four-year college degree.

She and her child have lived in three states the past five years without much support from family, she said. She lives below the poverty line, but she says she has enough money to provide for the two of them.

Police described her apartment as clean and suitable for a child.

The child-welfare hearing to decide what next to do in the child-welfare case was rescheduled because Nelson wasn't present.

Lee Rood's Reader's Watchdog column helps Iowans get answers and accountability from public officials, the justice system, businesses and nonprofits. Contact her at lrood@dmreg.com, 515-284-8549, on Twitter @leerood, or at facebook.com/readerswatchdog.