We are on the verge of a new relationship between the European Union and the UK, and as a result it is also time to envisage a new EU. As is the case in any new situation, there is a fear of the unknown. This is not the ideal environment in which to embark on a new path but it is the reality we must work with. And we need to get cracking, because uncertainty only makes things worse.

I will hide nothing: I had hoped for a different outcome. And, having worked with many British colleagues, I am deeply saddened at the result. I believe the UK and the EU are stronger together. But, while I believe that the views of the 48% must not be disregarded, I also have to acknowledge that a majority of voters chose to leave the EU in the referendum.

The vote was clearly painted by David Cameron and others as being one that would decide the issue of the EU once and for all. The result is there, and no “undo” button is available to erase it. Indeed, any attempt to do so would risk causing unfathomable damage for a long period, both in the UK and in the rest of Europe.

Some pause for reflection will be necessary, both to allow Britain’s political landscape to settle and to allow the shamefully plan-less leave campaigners to come up with a strategy to go forwards. However, this time out must be short. The EU has crucial issues to address, and a state of limbo makes this difficult. The UK, meanwhile, needs to reunite its people and provide economic certainty, both of which are next to impossible if limbo persists.

Now that the country has full clarity on its new prime minister, after the summer I expect the British government to notify its intention to withdraw the UK from the EU. Talks must then start without rancour. The UK should not be treated as a deserter but as a family member who is still loved but has decided to go in another direction. There is no intention to ensure that the UK receives a bad deal, but it is clear that there can be no better deal with the EU than EU membership. The EU moreover must look out for its members’ interests and uphold its founding principles. The single market, for example, entails four freedoms (capital, goods, services, persons) and not three, or three and a half.

Negotiations must be concluded swiftly. The world will not sit idly by as Europeans navel-gaze. Both the UK and the EU need to quickly turn the page and focus on people’s needs, and geopolitical challenges. The European parliament, which must consent to the withdrawal agreement, will contribute constructively to the negotiations. Its views need to receive the utmost consideration; without its input there could be no deal and the UK would be forced into a World Trade Organisation-style relationship, which is neither in the interest of the UK nor the EU.

The EU for its part can never be the same again. We must learn from the result of the referendum, while on the other hand not over-interpreting it. For decades the UK tabloids have performed mass brainwashing, and the leave campaign force-fed their readers with intolerance of foreigners. No change to the EU will convince those who have fallen victim to these factors. A bonfire of the EU is therefore not the way forwards.

However, many who voted leave did so because they have been left behind. They want to turn the clock back to a time when they were not marginalised. This profile is common across Europe, and deserves our full attention. The EU is not the cause of their marginalisation, but it can be part of the solution.

But – and this is a very important “but”– the EU cannot play this part without wholehearted support from its member states. The EU is, to a large extent, what goes on in and between national governments. It is an open space for decision-making in which actors from all over Europe play a role.

This EU space is certainly in need of reform, but more importantly it needs to be reset. Semantics are important because, while “reform” is a cliche, “reset” points to a fresh start. This fresh start would first and foremost recommit the EU to delivering what people need. Sixty years ago, it was peace and tolerance; today it is about safeguarding wellbeing and social justice, and protecting our values in a globalised world. Second, rather than persevering in the futile and fractious debate of intergovernmentalism versus federalism, big decisions should be taken on which instruments to give the EU to deliver.

Is this a pipe dream? The latest Eurobarometer survey shows that support for the EU remains high, and provides a clear sign that there is appetite for this “reset” concept. It is high time for European governments to hear this message and deliver on their citizens’ expectations.

• The photograph at the top of this article was changed on 14 July 2016. The previous picture was taken amid or alongside the same picnic, but the people in the foreground, one of whom was carrying a placard saying “Uphold the Brexit vote”, were participating in a counter-picnic arranged as part of a campaign calling on the government to respect the EU referendum result.