Who knew that warning of the zombie apocalypse would arrive in the guise of shiny personal electronics?

Here's a weird fact: only four Resident Evil films have ever been made. I was convinced that the number of sequels ran into the low hundreds, taking in titles like Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Resident Evil: Purgatory, Resident Evil: Total Wipeout and Resident Evil: The Curse of the Haunted Balloon-Poodle. But no – apparently there are only four of them.

Until now. Because this year the fifth Resident Evil film will be released, entitled Resident Evil: Retribution. What's Resident Evil: Retribution about? That's a silly question. It's a Resident Evil film. It's about exactly the same things that happened in every single other Resident Evil film. But, hey, the first Resident Evil: Retribution trailer has appeared online. The least we can do is give it proper attention…

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

1) Well, this isn't like any Resident Evil film I've ever seen. It's a guy standing in Times Square, holding a Sony mobile phone in front of a large Sony screen. He looks pleased, too. Sony must make satisfactory electronic equipment.

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

2) Here's a Russian lady, gleefully clutching a new Sony PlayStation Vita. They look really good, too. I can't quite work out what this has to do with Resident Evil, but it does remind me that I quite like Sony products.

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

3) Now there's a Japanese woman holding what appears to be a Sony Walkman phone. You know what? I can't really remember what film this trailer is supposed to be for any more, but I have a sudden urge to rush out and buy as many Sony products as I can. They all look so very swish.

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

4) And what's this? It looks like one of those fancy new Sony Android tablets. That's an iPad killer if ever I saw one. God, I love Sony. This is fun! What's next?

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

5) Oh. This isn't quite as breezily utopian as the other locations we've seen. In fact, it looks kind of hellish. Everything's dark and on fire, and there are all sorts of winged monsters flying about. Still, at least the people here have all got Sony products to keep them happy. I wonder what they'll show next – another phone? A flatscreen TV? A PlayStation 4?

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

6) It's Milla Jovovich standing on a heavily fortified roof. Whatever's going on, it looks serious. Worst of all, Milla isn't even holding a Sony product. Really, Milla, would it have killed you to grab a nice new Y series Vaio? They're very portable, you know. This is bad form, Milla. Bad form indeed. You deserve everything you get.

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

7) See? Now there's a giant zombie chasing you around in your Rolls Royce. This is what happens when you refuse to endorse Sony products to the best of your abilities. Let this be a lesson.

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

8) And now look what's happened. Sony has set its attack choppers on you, and ordered them to blow up everyone who didn't cheerily grin into the camera with a Sony product in their hand earlier on. This is your fault, Milla. All you had to do was say that Sony is great, but you couldn't. Even I managed it, and I don't even own any Sony products.

Still from Resident Evil: Retribution

9) Oh fine, fight back all you like Milla, but you won't win. Sony will crush you in its giant electronic fist. You are powerless against Sony's giant faceless corporate might. Sony will always win. Obey Sony. Obey.

And this ends one of the weirdest product placements in the history of cinema, at least until JVC decides to advertise its new range of camcorders with a montage of famine and systematic genocide. Can't wait.