Name: The Frugal Prince.

Age: Roll on drums, playing of the national anthem, general bowing, scraping and curtseying … 70 today!

Appearance: Prosperous retired accountant living in Weybridge who is fond of a G&T.

Are we talking about Prince Charles, by any chance? The very same. Many happy returns, your royal highness.

I thought the Guardian was a republican paper. We will allow ourselves a small burst of generosity towards the royal family on this happy day.

What’s with the “frugal prince” nonsense? He’s a parasite on the body politic, living a life of luxury while everyone else struggles to get by. Steady on, we don’t want any of that revolutionary talk here. Admittedly, he has at least four luxurious homes, owns more than 50,000 hectares (130,000 acres) of land and is estimated to be worth more than £300m. But, according to a special issue of Country Life he has guest edited, his tailors keep scraps of material from every garment they make for him so that his clothes can be patched up. Nothing is ever thrown away.

His tailors! I rest my case. You can’t expect the Prince of Wales to shop at Primark.

Why not? Oh, come on. His commitment to longevity is admirable. “I have always believed in trying to keep as many of my clothes and shoes going for as long as possible,” he said recently. “Some go back to 1971, and one jacket to 1969. In this way, I tend to be in fashion once every 25 years.”

Sounds like the affectation of an old fogey. No, he makes a strong anti-consumerist, environmentalist point. “Speaking as someone who hates throwing away things without finding another use for them or mending them, I couldn’t be more delighted if, at last, there is a growing awareness of the urgent need to get away from the throwaway society and to move towards a more circular economy.”

Mad as a hatter. What about the boiled eggs? Ah, the old Jeremy Paxman story that he has seven eggs boiled and then samples all of them to get the precise degree of runniness he wants.

Yes, that one. The prince’s office says it’s not true. In fact, he hates food being wasted and insists all leftovers are used in subsequent meals. The Queen is equally obsessed with not wasting anything, so it clearly runs (or, if the egg is overdone, doesn’t) in the family.

Sure, even the diamond-encrusted crowns get recycled. That’s pathetic.

Do say: “He’ll be a splendid role model as king.”

Don’t say: “You’re not angling for a CBE by any chance, are you?”