HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE: BREADBOX EDITION

HARRY POTTER (DREAM V.O.)

Oh, great. A tea making dream. Fascinating.

WORMTAIL

My Lord, wouldn’t it just be better not to have a convoluted plot this year?



BABY VOLDEMORT

WHAT? No convoluted plot! They are what made me a Dark Lord!



WORMTAIL

I’m just saying…



BABY VOLDEMORT

Barty, tell this guy off!



BARTY CROUCH, JR.

My Lord, I’m just here to suck the suspense out of the movie.



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH

And I’m here to gross you out!

BABY VOLDEMORT

No one must see me like this! I’m not wearing makeup!



FRANK

Ack.

*gets dead*



HARRY (DREAM V.O.)

Well, this just took a turn for the incredibly wrong.



DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL

Where’s your children’s book now, world?

HERMIONE GRANGER

Harry! Wake up!



HARRY

Wha? Hey, I’m already with the Weasley’s? Best opening ever! Sure, someone

just died, but I don’t have to deal with the Dursleys.



HERMIONE

Get up, Harry!



HARRY

Hermione, when did you become so bitchy?



HERMIONE

I’m bossy, not bitchy! I’m asserting myself.



RON WEASLEY

What’s wrong with Hermione?



HARRY

She’s asserting herself.



RON

Ah, wake me up when she’s done.



HERMIONE

UP! NOW!



RON

Okay, okay.



AUDIENCE

Whipped.

RON

Hey, check it out, Harry. I got some new facial expressions just for this movie.



HARRY

That’s nice. So, what’s going on? Can I get some exposition for why

we’re here?

HARRY

Ah! What were you…?



CEDRIC

Nothing.



HARRY

Are you…Spiderman?



CEDRIC

I said: nothing.



AMOS DIGGORY

C’mon kids, let’s take this Portkey to the Ren Faire.

MR. WEASLEY

Time to move along, Harry. We need to imply that Quidditch still exists in the

movieverse, so let’s find our seats for the World Cup. We’re in the Top Box.



RON

Wow, the Ministry Box?



MR. WEASLEY

Uh, no. Not in the movie. We’re literally at the top of the Millennium Dome.



LUCIUS MALFOY

Of course you are. Let my son and me just show up to remind you of how

utterly inferior you are.



DRACO MALFOY

Ah-ha! You SUCK!



LUCIUS

No, Draco! No actual mocking! Your mere presence should be enough!

Bad Draco! No biscuit!



HARRY

What a weird family.



LUCIUS

Potter, you should know better by now than to call attention to yourself.



HARRY

Ew. Can we leave now? He’s molesting me with his cane again.



CORNELIUS FUDGE

Are you ready for some QUIDDITCH!?



AUDIENCE AND CAST

Yay!



FUDGE

Well, first direct your attention to our Jumbotron for one of the future

secondary characters in this story!



WIZARD AUDIENCE

We can’t! We ARE the Jumbotron!

RON

I’d do him.



HARRY AND HERMIONE

What?



RON

Uh, nothing.



FUDGE

All right, now it is time for the Quidditch World Cup to BEGIN!

AUDIENCE

…AND END!



HARRY

Oh, man. That stuff that the Audience didn’t see was so awesome.

RON

Oh, shut up or I won’t put you in the wedding party!

MR. WEASLEY

C’mon, there’s mass panic outside! People are running blindly about, trampling

others, fleeing some unseen terror! We have to get in on that!



HERMIONE

Isn’t that dangerous?



MR. WEASLEY

Of course not!

RON

Harry, thank goodness we found you long after the danger had passed.



HARRY

What’s with the random sky-written snake?



HERMOINE

That’s You-Know-Who’s symbol!



HARRY

Hermione, are you back to not saying Voldemort’s name again?

BARTEMIUS CROUCH, SR.

Which one of you children did it? Which one of you is a Death Eater? Which one of you

has caused me to freak out and act in a way totally not befitting a leader under pressure?



HARRY

Uh, none of us. But I saw someone.



CROUCH

Who, damn you? WHO?



HARRY

How should I know? I don’t know every wizard in the world!

HARRY

Great, we’re already hearing news of Death Eaters. I predict this year is going to

suck worse than any other before it.



HERMIONE

Practicing your Divination?



HARRY

No need. It’s not like I’ll be attending that class this year.



CHO CHANG

Hi, I’m a girl!



HARRY

Did you guys see that? It was a girl!



HERMIONE

If you’re quite done, Harry, I think I should bring up Sirius so you don’t forget about

him during the movie.



HARRY

Hmm? Oh, right. I love him very much and would be quite put out should anything

ever happen to him. I’ll send him a letter asking for a cameo.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE WEASLEY

Well, there’s something you don’t see every day



GEORGE AND/OR FRED WEASLEY

What, Hagrid nearly getting himself killed? I thought that was pretty standard.

GIANT SQUID

Hey, watch it!



MERPEOPLE

Tourist drivers!

PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE

Well, I’m glad everyone has made it safely to the school without incident for once.

DUMBLE DORE (cont.)

Well, Mr. Filch has informed me that our guests are ready to entertain us with their

Dance Spectacular. First up, we have the ladies from Beauxbatons with their interpretive

dance entitled, “I flit about like a butterfly on a sun dappled meadow.”

DUMBLEDORE (cont.)

Wasn’t that lovely? And now, our manly neighbors from the north at Durmstrang will

give us a demonstration of their colorguard-slash-breakdance team.



RON

Wait, I thought Krum was from Bulgaria.



HERMIONE

And I thought “Durmstrang” was from the German “strum und drang.”



HARRY

Either way, what the hell kind of map is Dumbledore using?

RON

Why are the other schools sex-specific?



HERMIONE

Hogwarts is a progressive school that encourages co-education.

I read it in Hogwarts, A History.



DUMBLEDORE

Golf claps, everyone. Golf claps. Thank you. And now that we have that out of the way,

let me explain what’s going to happen: we’re going to encourage international

cooperation by pitting students from different schools against each other in

tests that could kill them.



AUDIENCE

Yes. That’ll engender cooperation.



DUMBLEDORE

This operates on much the same principle as the theory that pitting the different Hogwarts

Houses against each other every year causes them to like each other more. And that always

seems to work. And now, before we unveil the Sacrament, Mr. Crouch here

would like to have a few words.



CROUCH

*Ahem* HEIL!



CAST

What?



CROUCH

Sorry. Anyway. I’d just like to say that this tournament promises eternal fame and glory

to whoever wins. But it also hints at an early demise because we’ll be putting teenagers

into dangerous situations that most adults would find extremely difficult. So, we’ve

therefore put an age limit of 17 on the tournament. I apologize to those 7th years that will

be turning 17 now through December. Sucks to be you.



CAST LED BY FRED AND/OR GEORGE

Boooo to your stupid rule!



HARRY

I wouldn’t enter even if I could. I don’t want eternal fame and glory.



ETERNAL FAME AND GLORY

HA! Just try to avoid us, kid!

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE

Don’t mind the fact that lightning accompanies my entrance. It means nothing sinister.



RON

Hey, it’s Mad-Eye Moody, Pirate-Auror!



“MAD-EYE MOODY”

Yarrrr. Me parrot died on the way over the mountains.



DUMBLEDORE

Did you walk all this way? I sent a car.



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”

Mad-Eye Moody needs no car.

KARKAROFF

Suspect me!



AUDIENCE

NO!

“MOODY”

All right, who wants to give background on the new curses for this movie?



RON

Hey! I actually know this for once. The Imperious Curse-



“MOODY”

Controls other people! Yes! Let me demonstrate on this giant spider.

Don’t faint, Weasley!



NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM

I really don’t want to talk about it, but the Cruciatus Curse-



“MOODY”

Tortures people! Come up here and get a closer look, Longbottom.

Oh, yeah. That must hurt.



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”

Ahahahaha! Look at him squirm!



HERMIONE

You horrible, horrible person! You make me not want to answer questions for you,

which I’ve never, never considered before!



“MOODY”

Don’t want to tell me the last curse?



HERMIONE

Well, I would but it seems like-



“MOODY”

Exactly! I don’t let people finish sentences!

“MOODY”

That was Avada Kedavra. And only one slimy little brat…I mean, one singular

person has survived it. Yes, I’m talking about you, Harry. No use looking

away like it’s Ron or something.

HARRY

Well, that was extremely awkward.



HERMIONE

Just be glad you aren’t Neville. He’s been brooding at that stained glass window of St.

Mungo since class ended. He’s even managed to make it rain to match his mood.



NEVILLE

These wounds won't seem to heeeeal/

This pain is just too reeeeeal/

There's just too much that time cannot eraaaase.



“MOODY”

Neville, I’m very sorry for what happened in class. Let’s go to my office,

which will not be intimidating at all.



AUDIENCE

Don’t do it, Neville! He’s going to eat you!

DUMBLEDORE

Today, we will be announcing the participants in this year’s Certain Death

Competition as chosen by our Magical Inanimate Object with Unknowable

Criteria. The final winner will receive this lovely 100% Waterford Crystal

trophy. Looks lovely over any mantelpiece.

HARRY

Something potentially dangerous is going on, and I’m not involved at all.

This is going to be the best year ever.



GOBLET OF FIRE

Oh, ugh. Something’s caught in my stem!

DUMBLEDORE

WHAT THE #$@%#$*@#!



HARRY

Oh no. Hide me, guys.



HERMIONE

Harry, there is no place in the world you can hide right now. Dumbledore’s head

is about to erupt like a volcano, spew his brains all over the room and cover us

in a thick layer of ash.



ETERNAL FAME AND GLORY AND AN EARLY DEATH

Ahaha! Got you now, kiddo!

HARRY

I wasn’t even supposed to be here today!



DUMBLEDORE

You punk! You lying, cheating little punk! I am going to rip your head off!



AUDIENCE

Okay, who let Dumbledore’s evil twin out of the attic?



“MOODY”

He has to compete; he has no choice. It’s probably a clever Dark trap. Let me

elucidate on exactly how this will play out.



KARKAROFF

You’ve certainly put a lot of thought into this.



“MOODY”

That’s because I’ve had several months to…uh, you’re a Death Eater!



KARKAROFF

Oh, no fair bringing that up! You don’t see me mentioning your illicit

relationship with a basilisk, do you?



CROUCH

Regardless, Harry will compete because it is in The Rules. And we all know how I feel

about the sweet, sweet Rules that make our existence possible. Mmm, Rules.

MCGONAGALL

Look, we pretty much all know this is a trap for Potter.



DUMBLEDORE

Well, of course.



PROFESSOR SNAPE

I suggest we allow this to run its course. We will use Potter as bait and hope he dies…

I mean, hope it draws out his enemy.



DUMBLEDORE

Yes, that won’t have any unforeseen consequences.



MCGONAGALL

You two have lost your minds, haven’t you?



DUMBLEDORE

What? Oh, please. It’s not like that boy isn’t in serious danger every year.

RON

Harry, I am going to go get a ladder so you can jump up my butt.



HARRY

What? Why?



RON

You knew I would want to put my life in certain peril too!



HARRY

No, I didn’t! I thought you were more sensible than that!



RON

You know I’m not!

RITA SKEETER

Hello, all. I’m sleazy, self-interested, sensational and oh-so-smarmy.



FLEUR

*through clenched teeth*

Zis woman is touching me. ‘ow do I make her stop?



RITA SKEETER

Ah, I can see it now. Byline on the front page. Lois Lane can eat my dust. Oh, Harry?

Might I have an interview in private? As a champion, of course. Not to exploit your

famous story and your incredible potential for pathos. Of course.



HARRY

Uh, I’m really not comfortable being alone with you in such close quarters.



RITA SKEETER

Oh, but it’s cozy; isn’t it, Harry?



HARRY

Are you hitting on me?



RITA SKEETER

Well, you’re used to spending time in broom closets under the stairs, aren’t you?



HARRY

How do you know about that?

RITA SKEETER (V.O.)

And I really think everyone should know what an intrepid reporter I am.



HARRY

If by intrepid you mean “stalkerish.”

SIRIUS (V.O.)

Hey, you missed.



HARRY

Oh, Sirius! Thanks for showing up for your cameo.

HARRY (cont.)

Is that painful?



SIRIUS

Nah, not by wizarding standards. It’s only a severe burning sensation. Anyway,

you should know Karkaroff was a Death Eater.



HARRY

Yeah, Moody’s been using him as a diversionary tactic. For some reason, every

time his tongue jumps out of his mouth, he points at Karkaroff, yells

“Death Eater!” and then runs away.



SIRIUS

Well, watch your back. And trust your friends.



RON (Off stage)

Hey, what’s going on?



SIRIUS

Why, it’s an object lesson! Come straight to our door!



HARRY

Piss off, Ron. You ruined the cameo.



RON

Whatever. I still hate you, and your scar, and your stupid hair, and your Quidditch,

and man, does it feel good to get all this off my chest.

HERMIONE

Hello, Harry. I am here to engage in a ridiculous game of Telephone. Ron would

like to tell you something, but he doesn’t have the balls.



RON

Hey!



HERMIONE

Well, you don’t. Ron would like to tell you Hagrid is looking for you, but the

Audience will think I said Hedwig.



HARRY

Well, you can tell Ron-



HERMIONE

Nothing! Don’t drag me into your pissing contest!



HARRY

Okay, Hermione is asserting herself again, which means it’s time for the

conversation to end.

HARRY

Hagrid, I like you and all, but every time you drag me out here,

something horrible happens.



HAGRID

Well, this time there’s something special I need you to see. I also need

emotional support for my date.



MADAME MAXIME

’ello, ‘agrid. ‘ow are you on zis lovely evening?



HAGRID

Hommina, hommina.

HAGRID

Dragons make me all tingly.



MADAME MAXIME

Can we get clozzer?



AUDIENCE

Why would you want to?



HAGRID

She wants to get closer to the dragons? Surely this is the woman for me. See ya, Harry.



HARRY

Yep. I am going to die.

AUDIENCE

Don’t any of you have classes or something?

HARRY

Fine, maybe I won’t save everyone from Voldemort this year.



RON

You will.



HARRY

I hate you.



RON

I hate you too.



HARRY

I hate you more.



RON

I hate you the mostest!

HARRY

They’re going to kill us with dragons.



CEDRIC

Okay. Thank you. Now I feel like a total dick.

DRACO

I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY!



HARRY

Draco, what are you doing in that tree?



DRACO

Oh, I was just talking to Cedric about the differences between perching in oak versus

plane trees. And speaking of which…nah nah nah nah! You suck!



HARRY

Doesn’t that one-dimensionality ever get old?



DRACO

Not at all.



HARRY

Whatever. I’m going to go talk to people with actual characterization now.



DRACO

Hey! Nobody calls me flat!



“MOODY”

You’re worse than flat. You’ve taken Neville’s place as comic relief!

“MOODY” (cont.)

Tell me, Crabbe and/or Goyle, is that a ferret in your pants or are you just glad to see me?



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”

Ahahaha, “ferret in your pants!” I kill me!



MCGONAGALL

What are you doing, Moody? Am I the only sane teacher left in this establishment?

“MOODY”

C’mon, Harry. Let’s go to my office. Mind my electron microscope and my

Trunk of Foreshadowing. Now tell me about how you want to fight these

dragons. What are you good at?



HARRY

Actually, not that much, considering I’m the hero of this story.



“MOODY”

That’s just to make you Everymanish. But even you have strengths other than

your ability to attract completely incompetent antagonists.



HARRY

Well, I can fly well. But I’m not allowed to have a broom.



“MOODY”

Haven’t you learned any spells that could call a broom to you?



HARRY

I’m not sure. I don’t think I actually attend classes anymore.

HARRY

Must not panic. Must not panic. Must not break down and weep like a little girl in front

of the whole school. Must not get splattered all over school by dragon, and come back as

a ghost more pathetic than Moaning Myrtle.



HERMIONE (Off stage)

Psst. Harry!



HARRY

Oh, God. The tent wall is talking to me. The stress has finally scrambled my brain.

HERMIONE

Oh no, you’re going to die!



RITA SKEETER

Why, what do we have here? Two young lovers in perfect Harmony?



HARRY AND HERMIONE

Oh, dammit.



KRUM

HACK!



RITA SKEETER

Oh, see if I don’t misspell your name in my next article!

DUMBLEDORE

All right, everybody. Time to…Hermione, how did you get past our security?



HERMIONE

What, the rope?



CROUCH

Everyone will be assigned a dragon from which to steal an egg. Harry gets the

most difficult dragon to fight because he is the hero and needs to have

the biggest accomplishments.



CEDRIC

So is there an outside chance of anyone but Harry winning this Tournament?



CROUCH

Absolutely not.



FILCH

Dumbledore gave me a cannon! This is the best Christmas EVER!

DUMBLEDORE (Off stage)

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Harry Potter and

his amazing survival trick!

AUDIENCE

Okay, Harry. Now would be a great time to call the broom. Sometime TODAY!



HARRY

Okay, Firebolt! Come to me so we can…well, fly in circles around its head.

Okay, maybe this strength doesn’t do me a lot of good as long the

dragon is hovering over that egg.

DUMBLEDORE

Hmm, an unfettered dragon surrounded by under-prepared children. Maybe I

should have thought this out a little better.

FIRST TASK CROWD MEMBER #1

Okay, both the champion and the dragon have left the arena. Now what?



FIRST TASK CROWD MEMBER #2

Well, we could admire the lovely rocky crag setting. Someone put a lot of

work into it, after all.

HARRY

Seriously, why do I have to hang off the edge of the building? Was being chased

by a dragon not frightening enough for you? I am going to bank on the hope

that this dragon is dead stupid.



DRAGON

Hmm, a hole I cannot pass through. How ‘bout that?

HARRY

Um, hey, guys. I just wrecked the roof and pretty much destroyed a bridge.



FIRST TASK CROWD

Yay!



HARRY

Doesn’t anyone care?



DUMBLEDORE

Why do you think I installed all that superfluous architecture last year?

HARRY

Okay, everyone: who wants some EASTER CANDY!



GRYFFINDORS

Yay!

RON

Dude, Harry. Turn that down.



HARRY

Are we not trading insults anymore?



RON

I love you, man.



HARRY

Me too.



HERMIONE

Oh, just kiss and make up already!

HERMIONE

Oh, just look at the newspaper!



HARRY

Is Rita Skeeter being stalkerific again?



HERMIONE

No, today’s Sudoku is impossible!



HARRY

I’m just glad the three of us are together again.



RON

It wasn’t so bad. I mean, I got some character development and dignity. It’s nice

to finally have some dignity.

RON (cont.)

Mum sent me a dress!



GINNY WEASLEY

No, Ron. You have to wear that to the Yule Ball.



HARRY, HERMIONE AND GINNY

Ha, ha, ha. Oh, Ron!

MCGONAGALL

Children, we will soon be holding a school dance. Because nothing says teen angst like

not finding a date, and worrying about being stuck on the wall all night while one’s dress

is ruined by leaning against glitter and glue-covered paper star decorations, and “I

Wanna Know What Love Is” by Journey crackles over the cheap amplifiers.



HARRY

…Is this a girl thing?



MCGONAGALL (cont.)

Inside every girl is a secret swan…



RON

Inside every girl is an ill-tempered, violence-prone, dirty bird?



MCGONAGALL

Mr. Weasley, if you’re not going to listen to my speech, I will have to take even more

of your dignity away. Come up here and dance with me.

AUDIENCE

*in David Attenborough voice*

Here we see the Hagrid attempting his courting dance with the first of his kind that’s he’s

ever seen. Notice how he stores food in his beard to lure in a potential mate.

HERMIONE

Plebes.

RON

Hey, Harry, look! Girls!



GIRLS

DENIED!

RON

I wish a girl would go to the dance with me.



HERMIONE

Well, you have to ASK them first.



RON

How about you, Hermione? Bet no one’s asked you.



HERMIONE

This would be why no one wants to go with you, Ron. And guess what? I have a date

and YOU will be forced to rely on Harry’s magnanimity!



RON

Wow, she has gotten bitchy.



HARRY

No, she’s assertive.

HARRY

Okay, you do realize that you are undermining any credibility you might have

as a potential villain, right?

RON

And then the screenwriter said, “Now he must act like a fool in front of girls!

Ahahahah!” And then I DID! It was horrible, Harry. Like I was some kind of puppet!

AUDIENCE

Ah, wizards are more like Muggles than they imagine.



RON

Well, I’ve been properly humiliated. Where’s Hermione? Maybe dissing her will

lift my spirits.



MCGONAGALL

Ron, go inside. Harry, you have to lead the dance. I need you to know that I will be

living vicariously through you, so don’t mess it up!

SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE

I like pink!

RON

That twit stole my date!



PADMA PATIL

Krum stole Hermione?



RON

Er, yeah. That’s the ticket.



FLITWICK

I used to conduct the London Philharmonic, you know. Swish and flick!

FILCH

Mrs. Norris, would you like to dance?

AUDIENCE

Ladies, it’s not like this music requires partners. Just jump around in the crowd.

SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE

It’s all so magical!



RON

Oh, shut up!



SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMOINE

Well, don’t act jealous if you can’t work up the nerve to ask me yourself!



RON

I’m jealous?



HARRY

Nice. And three of us had just gotten back together.

FLITWICK

And now for the "1812 Overture"! Filch! Get the cannon!

HARRY

Didn’t I destroy this bridge?



HERMIONE

We have lots.



HARRY

Hermione, I don’t mind if you hang around with Krum. But what do you talk about?



HERMIONE

We don’t talk very much.



HARRY

Too busy making out?



HERMIONE

NO! We don’t talk because he only has two lines!



HARRY

Sooo…you don’t assert yourself with him?



HERMIONE

Harry, honestly.



CEDRIC

Hey, I hate to interrupt, but the Second Task is in a few days. I’m going to repay Harry’s

hint to me by giving him an incredibly vague hint.

HARRY

Okay, not exactly sure how taking the egg into the bathroom will make it sound like

anything other than bad nu-metal.



MOANING MYRTLE

Maybe you should try doing something bath related with it, hmm?

Holding it in the water, perhaps?



HARRY

Ah! Myrtle! Do you often hang out in boys' bathrooms?



MOANING MYRTLE

Why shouldn’t I? I may be dead, but I’m not…dead. Well, I still have needs anyway.



HARRY

You’re creepy.



MOANING MYRTLE

Yes. Going to try my suggestion?

HARRY

Okay, so I’m going to need to breathe underwater.



MOANING MYRTLE

Uh-huh. Now, how about a throwaway hint about Polyjuice Potion

before I snuggle up to you?



HARRY

Please stop.



MOANING MYRTLE

My actress is also 40 years old.



HARRY

Okay, REALLY creeped out now.

HARRY

Quick! How do I breathe underwater?



HERMIONE

Harry, I don’t know everything. Just most things.



“MOODY”

Sorry to interrupt, but I need to steal your friends. Why doesn’t Neville, who just

happens to be here, help you pack up, Potter?



NEVILLE

“Happens to be here?” But you brought me-



“MOODY”

Hush up and help Harry find a way to breathe underwater.



NEVILLE

Oh! I know that! Gillyweed! This has been in no way manipulated!

HARRY

Thanks for the help, Neville. Better than Ron and Hermione who have disappeared

without a trace for no apparent reason.



DUMBLEDORE

Okay, Champions! Today you have to rescue your loved ones, whom we’ve sunk at the

bottom of the lake. That’s right, we’ve endangered people who haven’t even asked for it.

NEVILLE

Oh my God, I killed Harry Potter!



SEAMUS AND DEAN

You bastard!

HARRY

What was that?

HARRY

Oh, no. It’s the Jaws Theme!

KRUM-SHARK

Candygram!

CEDRIC

*mouthing*

My Seiko stopped!



HARRY

*mouthing back*

Well, you shouldn’t have worn it underwater!

HARRY

I can’t just leave the other girl here! Wizards have such messed up standards;

they might actually let her die.

CEDRIC

So, Harry. Mine and Krum’s most important people were our girlfriends.

Your most important person is…Ron?



HARRY

Shut up! Fleur’s was her sister, and I don’t see you making inappropriate

cracks about that!

CROUCH

I know I’ve never talked to you before, Harry.



“MOODY”

That’s probably because you’re awkward and kind of creepy.



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”

Ribbit!



CROUCH

I know that tongue!

HAGRID

Isn’t life grand, Harry?



HARRY

Yep. Four years later, and we’re all still tromping through the Dark Forest

whenever we feel like it.

HARRY

Oh, for heaven’s- this is what I get for venturing outside and trying to enjoy life.

DUMBLEDORE

Harry, I’m going to leave you alone in my office. Don’t mess around with my random

rotating devices, my phoenix or my Magical Backstory Basin.



MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN

Haaaarry. You know you want to snoop into things that aren’t your business.

HARRY

Wow, wizards obviously have not signed on to the U.N.



KARKAROFF

I’m a Death Eater! I’ll give you names in exchange for freedom!

Snape was a Death Eater!



HARRY

No surprises there.



CROUCH

I’ve heard it all before, you traitorous worm. Go to your dungeon.



KARKAROFF

Your son was a Death Eater.

AUDIENCE

In a room full of Ministry officials? Yeah, subtle, Barty.



CROUCH

Order! Order! My giant stamp demands order!



BARTY

Yes, Father. I am a Death Eater! Don’t you wish you came to my

childhood Quidditch games now?



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH

FREEEEEEDOMMMMM!

DUMBLEDORE

Hello, Harry. I bet you’d like me to explain why I keep a Christmas

tree star in my cabinet.



HARRY

Uhhh…what was that?



DUMBLEDORE

My memory which I pulled out of my head in the form of a silver string.



HARRY

Um, Dumbledore? Are you going to hurt me for messing with your stuff?



DUMBLEDORE

Not this time. But remember, Harry: I’m watching you.



AUDIENCE

Uh, so…dead body?

KARKAROFF

I mean, why did we put it on the forearm of all places? It’s pretty visible there!



SNAPE

Potter! Hold up! I just want to let you know that I’m on to your little potions ingredients

stealing ring. Try it again and I’ll use a truth telling potion on you. I know you’re

stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients.



HARRY

See, there’s a mention of that potion again! But what does it mean?



SNAPE

This story barely involves me, so I don’t care. Just go back to being inspiring…inspiring me to VOMIT!

HARRY

Ow! My nose!

DUMBLEDORE

Okay, everyone! Please be quiet! Time for us to start! Quiet down…

EVERYONE SHUT UP!



THIRD TASK CROWD

*silence*



DUMBLEDORE

Am I imagining things or do I spend a lot of time asking people to shut up? Anyway, the

final task is a maze. In here you will find no monsters because we didn’t have the

budget to animate them. Now, this may sound dull, but be careful: this maze just might

turn you into someone totally evil.



FOUR CHAMPIONS

What?



DUMBLEDORE

Look, I’m just trying to suspense it up a bit.

HARRY

Just keep repeating to yourself, Harry: I am not Elijah Wood. I am not Elijah Wood.

CEDRIC

Now, it’s down to you and me! Will you play the hero, or will you allow the

maze to EAT YOUR SOUL?



HARRY

Okay, all this sounds really stupid when we say it aloud. I will help you because

I would be rather unsympathetic if I didn’t.



HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW

Mmmmm, breakfast of champions!

AUDIENCE

Okay, what happens if no one wins?

HARRY

Wizards seriously need to invent cars, or something that doesn’t hurt

like a bitch when you travel.



CEDRIC

Whoa. Check out this gravestone. Who would put that over their grave?

SOME RIDDLE

Darling, you know what this family plot is missing?



SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE

A giant freaking Angel of Death?



SOME RIDDLE

Yes! Oh, darling, you know me so well. Kiss me!



SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE

Tomorrow, let’s go out and buy the largest, creepiest Angel of Death

tombstone we can find!

HARRY

We have to get out of here.



CEDRIC

Why? You don’t want to hang around in a graveyard?



HARRY

No, it’s May! Time for Voldemort’s annual utter failure to kill me!

BABY VOLDEMORT

None of that! I didn’t even try last year! Wormtail, kill that guy and

prepare for the spell!



CEDRIC

Ack.

*gets dead*

BABY VOLDEMORT

Gently, asshole!



WORMTAIL

Today, we are making fresh, braised Lord Voldemort. It’s very simple to make, actually.

It just requires you to kill or maim a few people. First we take the bones of the father.

Then we add a little wine. Next, we need the flesh of a moronic flunky and ARRRRGH.

T-time for a little more wine. Finally, blood from an unwilling enemy. That would be

you, Harry. Would you like some wine?

LORD VOLDEMORT

Ahh, I have my body again. Now to buy some Rogaine.



WORMTAIL

Can I get some medical attention?



LORD VOLDEMORT

Not yet. I want to see if you’ll bleed to death. It’ll be fun.

LORD VOLDEMORT

I smell guilt. And honey-glazed ham. Which one of you was eating before you came

and didn’t bring me any? I haven’t eaten in over a decade!

HARRY

What? This is the group that terrorized and cleared out the entire World Cup camp?

There are only half a dozen of you!



LUCIUS

Well, demonic chanting is scary.



LORD VOLDEMORT

Boys, I’m disappointed. Why didn’t you look for me? I thought our relationship

meant more to you than that.



LUCIUS

My Lord, I am eternally loyal. I lick your boots.



LORD VOLDEMORT

I’m barefoot.



LUCIUS

Master, this mask is my true face. The rest is just a mask for the world.



LORD VOLDEMORT

Lucius, you are so full of shit. That’s why I like you. But just so you don’t all

just run away screaming, let me show that I reward loyalty. Wormtail, you

get a new hand. And some cheese. Good job.



WORMTAIL

Mmmm, Gouda.



LORD VOLDEMORT

Okay, guys. I sort of forgive you because I’d have to kill you all otherwise,

which would mean that I’d have to find a whole bunch of new followers. And

I simply don’t have that kind of time. For punishment, you all have to

listen to my soliloquy. Let’s start with this dead boy on the ground…



HARRY

You suck! Get off the stage!



LORD VOLDEMORT

Oh, Harry, calling attention to yourself again? Guess what? I can touch you now.

LORD VOLDEMORT (cont.)

I’m not touching you! I’m not! Oh! Now I am!

HARRY

ARGH! What are you screaming about?



LORD VOLDEMORT

This really hurts my index finger!

LORD VOLDEMORT (cont.)

I’m going to prove once and for all that there’s nothing special about you, Harry. We’re

going to duel. Bow to your partner. Bow to your corner. Now: promenade.

LORD VOLDEMORT

And now for my interpretive dance: “I flit about like a butterfly on

a sun dappled meadow.”



AUDIENCE

Seen it.



LORD VOLDEMORT

I’m going to kill you, Harry. Really this time. So come out and face me.



HARRY

What. Ever. Big man; killing a fourteen-year-old.

HARRY

It’s the only fighting spell I know!

LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND

Oh my goodness! Cousin wand! Is that you?



HARRY’S WAND

Why, I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been?



LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND

Oh, you know. I just got through a long retirement, but I’ll be back to killing and

maiming by the thousands before you know it. And yourself?



HARRY’S WAND

I was sitting in a box until a few years ago.



LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND

Ouch. So sorry.

LORD VOLDEMORT

Don’t do anything! He’s mine!



DEATH EATERS

We don’t think there’s anything we could do.

GHOST OF FRANK BRYCE

Welp, I’m a ghost. I couldn’t have looked after Chillingham Castle or

Old Soar Manor, could I?



GHOST OF CEDRIC

Harry, I would appreciate it if you would take my body with you when you escape,

and not let the Death Eaters do anything nasty with it.



HARRY

Like what?



GHOST OF CEDRIC

Let’s not find out.



GHOSTS OF LILY AND JAMES POTTER

Hi, son. We’re going to jump around in front of Voldemort so you can escape.



HARRY

My parents!



GHOST OF LILY

Yes, Harry. Focus, or you’ll be joining us.

GHOSTS

Oooga-booga-booga!



HARRY

Thank goodness I established the existence of a summoning spell earlier.

LORD VOLDEMORT

Oh, that’s it. That brat is so dead now.



LUCIUS

You say that every year.



LORD VOLDEMORT

Shut up!

THIRD TASK CROWD MEMBER #1

Has anyone else noticed that these things aren’t really spectator sports?

HARRY

Oh my God, it’s horrible! Voldemort and his six followers are back!



THIRD TASK CROWD

Yay, something happened!



DUMBLEDORE

Huh. I don’t think this was in the program for this evening.



HARRY

Look at my tears! They’re nearly real! Look, dammit!

“MOODY”

You handle the crowd, Dumbledore. I’ll forcibly drag, um, I mean, escort

Harry to the castle.

HARRY

Could you light a lamp or something? The atmosphere is killing me.



“MOODY”

Tell me about Voldemort, Harry. Is he dreamy?



HARRY

Uh, not really.



“MOODY”

I bet he’s a total hottie. I’ll get a poster of him for my ceiling. I bet it was inspiring

to see him dancing among the gravestones.



HARRY

I didn’t mention a graveyard.

MOODY IN A TRUNK

You moron! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

HARRY

I should be going. I have…a dentist appointment.

“MOODY”

My Polyjuice Potion has run out! I guess that means it’s time to reveal my evil plot!

HARRY

Wow, that’s more than three drops.



SNAPE

My hand is shaking. Shut up.



DUMBLEDORE

Why, it’s Barty Crouch! He’s successfully impersonated one of my closest friends

for an entire school year without me noticing!



AUDIENCE

Yeah, way to go.



DUMBLEDORE

Well, Severus, now we know who’s been stealing your potions ingredients.



HARRY

Yeah. Not me.



SNAPE

Shut up, Potter.



THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH

Hey, back to me! Who’s the evil mastermind in the room?



HARRY

Not you.



DUMBLEDORE

What have you been up to, Barty?



BARTY

There’s no need for exposition now that you’ve discovered I’ve been keeping real

Moody in a trunk. All other scheming has been cut.



DUMBLEDORE

Just as well. I don’t want to look at your tongue anymore.



BARTY

I’ll show you mine if you so me yours!



HARRY

Whoa! Fourteen-year-old in the room!



DUMBLEDORE

He means your cut.



SNAPE

Are we sure he’s even talking to Harry? I mean, I have…



DUMBLEDORE

Not now, Severus!



SNAPE

Okay, okay! Just don’t start hitting me!

DUMBLEDORE

We are here today to celebrate Cedric’s life, which I will do through a long speech about

responsibility and loyalty that will contain the moral of the story.

DUMBLEDORE (cont.)

HEY! Don’t pan away while I’m talking! I’m DUMBLEDORE, bitch!

HERMIONE

Everything is going to change now.



HARRY

Yup. I’m going to get more angsty and emotionally volatile, you are going to continue to

assert yourself all over the place, these movies are going to get even longer and darker,

and Ron…well, Ron will pretty much stay the same.



RON

Gee, thanks.



HARRY

Hey, if you want to get arrested for Caps Lock abuse, be my guest.



HERMIONE

Well, don’t scream yourself hoarse. We’ll be in touch.



DUMBLEDORE

No, you won’t.

DOES THE HAPPY EVADNE MAMBO. (Author’s Note: This series continues to not be mine, for which we should all be grateful. Rowling and WB be praised. Thanks to the Editing Room for inspiration, and to Marty for inspiring me with talk of Snape/Queen Susan the Gracious Hostess ballroom dancing.)FADE IN:INT. FRANK BRYCE’S HOUSEFRANK makes TEA.FRANK hears things and investigates GIANT SCARY HOUSE.THE NAGINI HOME ALARM SYSTEM alerts BABY VOLDEMORT to FRANK.INT. THE BURROWEXT. SOME WOODSMR. WEASLEY leads the WEASLEYS AND FRIENDS around in CIRCLES.CEDRIC DIGGORY drops out of a TREE.PORTKEY offers further PROOF that wizarding transportation SUCKS.EXT. REN FAIRE WORLD CUPHARRY continues to be amazed by MAGIC.AUDIENCE sees VIKTOR KRUM, who is SILENTLY MANLY and all that SHIT. But mostly just SILENT.INT. WEASLEY’S MAGIC TENT THAT SURPRISES HARRY FOR SOME REASONThe TWINS and HARRY mock RON about his upcoming WEDDING to KRUM.NOISE happens.HARRY immediately gets lost and knocked unconscious, but remains UNTRAMPLED due to his amazing magical power of BEING THE PROTAGONIST.HARRY wakes up later and is menaced by someone in a SHINY BLACK COAT OF EVIL who calls up a SNAKE/SKULL OTP MASCOT OF EVIL.HARRY and FRIENDS are menaced by MINISTRY OFFICIALS who apparently don’t look before FIRING OFF RANDOMLY.CROUCH and MINISTRY OFFICIALS leave a POOF of frustration.INT. HOGWARTS TRAINEXT. HOGWARTSHAGRID directs a FLYING HORSE COACH to the HOGWARTS LANDING STRIP, nearly causing it to HIT HIMSELF.THE LAKE vomits up a SHIP.INT. HOGWARTSFILCH enters, doing the “OMG WHERE’S THE LOO?” DANCE.A bunch of MARY SUES enter, and entrance everyone with their AIRLINE STEWARDESS UNIFORMS.The DURMSTRANG boys make a lot of HUFFING NOISES and RUIN THE TILE by pounding their STAVES.Suddenly, LIGHTNING flashes and a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE enters.LATER:PROFESSOR KARKAROFF tries to JUSTIFY HIS EXISTENCE.INT. “MAD-EYE MOODY’S” EXPOSITION 101 CLASS“MOODY” kills the SPIDER.EXT. STAIRWELLINT. GREAT HALLDUMBLEDORE announces CEDRIC, FLEUR DELACOEUR and KRUM’S names. KRUM’S FRIENDS appear to be seconds away from HIGH FIVES and MACHO BUTT SLAPPING.GOBLET spits out HARRY’S NAME.INT. THE HOGWARTS RELIQUARYINT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICEINT. GRYFFINDOR TOWER BEDROOMINT. HOGWARTS RELIQUARYRITA SKEETER only gets CREEPIER.INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOMHARRY finds RITA SKEETER’S ARTICLE on him.HARRY throws the paper in the GENERAL DIRECTION of the fire.SIRIUS’S HEAD is on FIRE.EXT. THE LAKENEVILLE proves he is no longer comic relief by standing by HIS MAN.EXT. THE DARK/FORBIDDEN/WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT NOW FORESTHAGRID shows MADAME MAXIME and HARRY some giant boxes left over from JURASSIC PARK.EXT. HOGWARTS COURTYARD WHERE PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE IS JUST HANGING AROUNDOTHERS taunt HARRY.HARRY stalks off to find CEDRIC hanging around with more MOCKING PEOPLE.HARRY stalks around SOME MORE.“MOODY” turns DRACO into a FERRET.MCGONAGALL rescues DRACO, much to the DISMAY of those who think he’s CUTER as a FERRET than as a HUMAN.INT. CHAMPIONS TENT – DAY OF THE FIRST TASKWORST PRE-TEST JITTERS EVER.HERMIONE bursts into the tent.DUMBLEDORE, CROUCH, KARKAROFF and MADAME MAXIME (with a totally new color of MANIC PANIC in her HAIR) bust in, preventing any further NAME CALLING.OTHER CHAMPIONS fight their DRAGONS with various UNKNOWN METHODS. HARRY sits around and tries not to PANIC.HARRY lets the DRAGON chase him from HIDING PLACE to HIDING PLACE for much longer than necessary.The DRAGON snaps its CHAIN.LUCKILY, the DRAGON decides that the FAST-MOVING, DIFFICULT TO CATCH HARRY is better than the IDIOTS SCREAMING IN THE STANDS and chases HARRY out of the stadium and around the CASTLE.DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL falls for the same TIME WASTING TRAP as PREVIOUS DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS and feels it necessary to add further DANGER to an ALREADY DANGEROUS situation.DRAGON doesn’t even try to AVOID the BRIDGE. HARRY makes his way back to the RESTLESS CROWD.INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOMPARTY!HARRY opens his GOLDEN EGG to discover it does not contain DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE, but a recording of YOKO ONO.INT. GREAT HALL – BREAKFASTSUDDENLY, an OWL arrives with a PACKAGE to take it all AWAY.INT. DANCE HALLNEVILLE endears himself to every FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER by being the only boy who wants to DANCE.INT. PEOPLE HOOK UPHAGRID and MADAME MAXIME attempt to flirt and it’s CUTE.MEANWHILE:KRUM runs around in front of HERMIONE while followed by a GAGGLE of GOOSEGIRLS.MEANWHILE:INT. GREAT HALL – STUDY HALLSNAPE engages in some PHYSICAL COMEDY at the expense of RON and HARRY.SNAPE smacks them.SNAPE retaliates by MESSING WITH THEIR HAIR!LATER:HARRY realizes that while his REAL ANGST quota is fine, his TEEN ANGST meter is on EMPTY. He gets REJECTED by CHO to compensate.RON has even more of his DIGNITY taken away.HARRY sees the PATIL TWINS and realizes that this SITUATION has POTENTIAL. And NOT LIKE THAT. EW.INT. GREAT HALL – YULE BALLA BUNCH of TEENAGE GIRLS stand around before a GIANT OPEN DOOR, freezing their ASSES OFF to show off their DRESSES.SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE shows up.KRUM shows up and stares in AWED SILENCE at his date, SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE. Well, I guess it could be AWE. SILENCE, anyway.RON is NOT AMUSED by KRUM and SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE.BIG COORDINATED DANCE NUMBER!HAGRID and MADAME MAXIME continue to be CUTE. So do NEVILLE and GINNY, amazingly ENOUGH.RON and HARRY end up mistreating their DATES, even after all the work they, er, HARRY put into procuring them.CUT TO: THE ROLLING STONES OF THE WIZARDING WORLDThe PATIL TWINS are still HANGING AROUND with MR. GRIM and MR. EMO.SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE expects RON to act like an ADULT.MEANWHILE:FLITWICK has gotten a little DRUNK.GINNY and NEVILLE continue to be CUTE.EXT. BRIDGE #48INT. BATHROOMHARRY discovers a POEM and figures out that it’s MERMISH.EXT. LIBRARYEXT. SECOND TASKHARRY takes the GILLYWEED and promptly STAGGERS into the water.LUCKILY, HARRY is not dead, but turned into the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. He quickly finds RON, HERMIONE, CHO and the BEAUXBATONS TUMBLER.MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAHMUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAHMUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAHKRUM-SHARK makes off with HERMIONE. CEDRIC also shows up.FLEUR, however, gets grabbed by a HORROR MOVIE CLICHÉ.HARRY saves other GIRL at the expense of his WINNING. JUDGES decide that NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE warrants SECOND PLACE anyway.CROUCH descends on HARRY.EXT. DARK/FORBIDDEN/WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT NOW FORESTHARRY trips on CROUCH’S DEAD BODY.INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICEHARRY overhears what is PROBABLY supposed to PASS for a FUDGE-DUMBLEDORE argument.HARRY falls into the MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN.KARKAROFF is in a TORTURE DEVICE.BARTY tries to SNEAK AWAY.HARRY gets yanked out of the MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN.INT. HALLWAYHARRY overhears KARKAROFF whining to SNAPE about his DARK MARK.SNAPE slams the door in HARRY’S FACE.EXT. THE THIRD TASKHARRY and CEDRIC enter the maze. It’s PRETTY DARN CREEPY.FLEUR panics and gets cursed by KRUM who is ENCHANTED. FLEUR gets EATEN by the HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW.KRUM avoids HARRY, but attacks CEDRIC, which probably should WORRY HARRY about his FUTURE.HARRY and CEDRIC grab the TROPHY, though if it hadn’t been a PORTKEY, they probably would have been CRUSHED anyway.EXT. GRAVEYARDPORTKEY spits them out.FLASHBACK:END FLASHBACKWORMTAIL and BABY VOLDEMORT appear.WORMTAIL pins HARRY and dumps BABY VOLDEMORT into a cauldron.POOF! NEW AND IMPROVED LORD VOLDEMORT! ON SALE NOW!LORD VOLDEMORT pages the DEATH EATERS.DEATH EATERS mumble VAGUE EXCUSES.LORD VOLDEMORT attempts to MENACE, but mostly just looks SILLY.HARRY and LORD VOLDEMORT start YELLING.LORD VOLDEMORT becomes BORED.HARRY manages to NOT DIE for a while.LORD VOLDEMORT attempts to kill HARRY while HARRY attempts to, um, DISARM HIM.LORD VOLDEMORT and HARRY’S WANDS recognize each other.HARRY and LORD VOLDEMORT get caught up in a SHINY GOLD WEB of WAND GOSSIP.GHOSTS fly out of LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND.GHOSTS surround LORD VOLDEMORT.HARRY grabs CEDRIC’S CORPSE and the PORTKEY and BOOKS IT.EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROWPOP! HARRY, DEAD CEDRIC and PORTKEY appear.PEOPLE start to figure out something is WRONG about five minutes after HARRY shows up CRYING HIS EYES OUT.INT. “MOODY’S” OFFICE“MOODY” falls for the OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.AT THIS POINT, HARRY starts to suspect something may be NOT QUITE RIGHT.AUDIENCE discovers that “MOODY” cannot PLAN AHEAD for the life of him.DUMBLEDORE, SNAPE and MCGONAGALL bust in and “MOODY” transforms into SURPRISE! BARTY CROUCH. SNAPE pours VERITASERUM down his throat.INT. HOGWARTS GREAT HALLToward the end of the speech, the CAMERAMAN decides to check out what’s going on in the CEILING.EXT. EVERYONE LEAVESEVERYONE LEAVES and promises to STAY IN TOUCH, which no teenager has ever ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED.LONG SHOT of the TRIO walking off into the ILL-LIT, EXTREMELY ANGSTY, and BIZARRELY PLOTTED FUTURE.