Since very important shit is going down today, I’m going to give you 10 Things that Will Happen if Gays Could Marry.

1. People will be marrying their dogs next. What the general public doesn’t know about gay people is that they are really the people wearing masks at Sci-Fi conventions. So when you see a Klingon having sex with a Wookie, it’s totally gay. And if you allow Wookies to marry, you have to allow Barf from Spaceballs and if you allow Barf, you must allow dogs. There is no fallacy of logic here.

2. Gay people will take over our night clubs. Being that I formally ran with the goth scene, I really despise fast, upbeat, techno music. And giving people the right to marry obviously equates to turning every club in the country into a gay one.

3. They will declare a war on god. When gay people aren’t dancing to upbeat techno and engaging in stereotypes, they plan wars on god. They have this little room with a map and tank and soldier divisions to slide across it.

4. They will turn your children gay. When people learn that love is something that can exist between people regardless of differences, they become gay. This happened when we integrated black and white schools-turned them all gay.

5. Thirteen-Year-Old boys will no longer have ways to insult people over the internet. Once gay people are considered equal, thirteen-year-olds won’t be able to call the jerk that just tea bagged them, “gay.”

6. Extremist Religious People will explode. Everyone knows that when gay people and members of the Westboro Baptist church come in contact with each other, they explode. It’s simple physics.

7. Children are better off with one mom and one dad. Especially when the mom is a meth addict and the dad is an abusive asshole.

8. The founding fathers created a religious state. They were just kidding about that whole separation of church and state thing.

9. They’ll be gays in our schools. They weren’t there before?

10. Gays will force their lifestyle on others. They will do this by going door-to-door and handing out copies of The Gay Watch Tower.