I was supposed to compete in Wichita State University’s first annual Beer Mile.

That was 8 years, hundreds of miles, and dozens and dozens of pounds ago. While I considered myself to be among the potential favorites in the event, due to both my high volume of repeat miles and repeat Bud Light, I made the foolish decision to try to pre-game slightly before I went down to the track to try to achieve a new level of glory.

As was often the case in 2008, my pre-gaming quickly turned into a post-game and I woke up on the futon with a complete lack of dignity and a pounding headache to remind me what could’ve been. I believe a sprinter from the team won the beer mile that night, although my memory is justifiably hazy, and I took the distance runners’ failure personal, believing that I’d blown it. Shortly thereafter, I stopped running for good. I packed on pounds like I was a Hollywood actor trying to “go fat” for a role and, for a time, I forgot about the Beer Mile.

However this fringe event, this battle of guts and suds, has recently enjoyed a resurgence on the social-media-frenzied scene. Being a binge-Tweeter and a lifelong fan of track and field, I became aware of The Beer Mile World Championship (BMWC) via those mad geniuses of Track and Field exposure over at Flotrack.org. If you’re a running nerd, you probably have used that site for its comprehensive listing of results and its plethora of fascinating videos. If you’re not a running nerd: you may have never heard of them. (*Author’s note: fix that. It’s a great site for any sports fans)

For those of you unfamiliar with what exactly a beer mile is, the crux of the rules – and, yes, there are official rules. Check Beermile.com for those – are that you drink a beer per lap (*Author’s note: One at the start, and another following each lap) and that if you puke you add on an additional lap at the end of the race.

The First-ever BMWC was held last night and broadcast live for the entire internet to witness. And it was quite an event. Held at a not-a-mistprint Formula 1 Racetrack in Austin, Texas (*Author’s note: because of course it was in Austin. Where else is such a weird, insane, mixture of hipsters/beer connoisseurs/dudeswithmustachesthatrun?) it featured a World Championship silver medalist, and a payout of $2500 for the winner.

I wasn’t able to tune in live, but I did have a chance to review the tape today while at work. And, take if from me: if you end up watching the BMWC while at your office, you’ll be looking over your shoulder more than that insecure girl who selfie-Instagrams her ass in the gym mirror while posting “Squats.” (*Author’s note: yeah, unfortunately that’s a legitimate thing. Google it.)

Here’s the video of the event. Below is my breakdown of the race.



Watch more videos on Flotrack

The Gun Goes Off: All of the runners immediately start doing the drink-walk maneuver, a standard operating practice in any even that involves both motion and drinking. While popularized by male college students who use the maneuver to head directly towards the first girl to enter the room during an all-male get together, these guys use it to their advantage as a tactical move.

6.14 Seconds in: Canadian beer mile legend Corey Gallagher finishes his first beer and starts running. I feel like I just watched a Great White snatch a seal in slow-mo during a Shark Week show.

8.2 Seconds in: The 8th place runner finishes his beer and begins. I’m in awe. In awe and thirsty. Watching at work was a bad choice. (*Author’s note: the geniuses at FloTrack have posted beer splits on the screen. Does anyone know if they’re hiring?)

39.5 Seconds in: Tully Hannan surges to lead an it becomes clear to everyone involved that he’s wearing Jorts. That’s right. He’s going to try to run a mile, while drinking, in jorts. How is this event so good so fast?

43.5 Seconds in: The frontrunner passes by a couple of dudes in banana suits. They look like they, too, have been drinking beers in approximately 6.14 seconds.

1:22 in: Michael Cunningham takes the lead, crushing down his Bud Platinum in 9.27 seconds. I’m not sure how he found time to breath during that, but he’s off and running.

1:40 in: The Jorts Jogger has fallen behind. The Olympian is dropping back. It’s clear: this is a man’s game, now.

2:20 in: I do a quick check on where the Olympic athlete is. Beer miling = hard.

3:04.01 in: Corey Gallagher, utilizing his superior chugging ability, begins to reel in the leader. With his one-gloved hand and pasty complexion, he looks a bit like a Canuck Michael Jackson. A terrifying, beer-slamming, beast of a Canadian Michael Jackson. It quickly becomes clear to me that I would totally watch televised drinking game competitions.

Gallagher drank an entire beer in 8.32 seconds immediately after running a half mile?

3:28 in: “The final beer of the final lap, in this the world beer championships.” I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: the internet is the best thing ever.

4:30 in: The announcers are hoarsely screaming for a world record. The crowd is at a fever pitch. Corey Gallagher just chugged a beer in 7.29 seconds and sprinted into the lead. We are witnessing greatness. . .

4:33.5 in: The Banana bros are fully losing their shit. Their leaping into the air, costumes flopping inappropriately between their legs. Some dude has taken off his shirt and is whipping it frenziedly in the air in the face of the leader. This. Is. Awesome.

5:00.23 in: Corey Gallagher breaks the tape, narrowly missing the world record. It’s the greatest sporting moment for Canada not involving hockey since. . .ever?

5:21.44 in: This happens.

Turns out? That dude is 42-years-old. Forget the fact that he can still run a standard mile in 5:21.44 seconds. This dude is clearly 2 things: 1) The most badass Dad ever and 2) Getting Finlayson’d tonight!

5:34 in: Jorts-man, finishes. Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. I’m guessing he’ll need some vaseline to assist with the chafing, though.

6:37 in: “61 seconds for his final lap for Corey Gallagher.” My jaw unhinged like an anaconda attempting to swallow a wildebeest. 61 seconds flat to finish off a beer mile is insane. Looks like the Gallagher’s don’t just smash fruit! (*Author’s note: Hiiiiii-ooooh)

In Conclusion: This was a stellar, fun watch. Get to a track. Get a six pack and see what you’ve got, America. We’ve got a world championship to claim back from our neighbors to the north.

FIN