Feelings of loss and grief can be especially hard during the festive season, when there seems to be a perpetual sense of collective joy and celebration all around you - but someone is missing. The pressure you might feel to put on a brave face can often get too much, and forced merriment may leave you feeling even more isolated.

‘Coping with bereavement around Christmas can be tough, as it is very hard to grieve during a season of public joviality,’ says Dr Natasha Bijlani, consultant psychiatrist at the Priory Hospital in Roehampton. ‘It is very different from grieving a private anniversary or birthday at another time of year, as we are surrounded by festive lights and decorations everywhere, with cheery advertisements in the media, and Christmas songs blasting in shops and on the radio.

'To compound this, celebrations around this time of year seem to go on for many weeks and there seems to be no escape for those who would prefer to spend time in sombre reflection of their loved one.’

Bereavement at Christmas

If you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one this Christmas time, know that you are not alone. As agonising and devastating as it is, there are people who understand, and things you can try that will hopefully make the festive season seem that little bit more bearable.



If you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one this Christmas time, know that you are not alone.

‘All of us experience bereavement in different ways and we need to find what helps us best,’ continues Dr Bijlani.

‘For those bereaved who still have caring responsibilities, that choice can sometimes seem self-indulgent or unfeasible. The notion of “cancelling Christmas” – however much you may want to – is often not an option. Many parents will instinctively feel obliged to celebrate Christmas as usual, but it can be very distressing trying to suppress your sadness.’

Grief before bereavement

Of course, grief is not always limited to the physical loss of a loved one, or bereavement. There are many other reasons why you may not be in the mood to feel merry this Christmas, such as a loved one (or yourself) battling a chronic illness, or a close relative living with dementia, for example.

‘If you are caring for a loved one with dementia, you may experience loss even while the person is still living,’ says Caroline Scates, Deputy Lead Professional & Practice Development Team at Dementia UK. ‘Relationships may start to change and you could find it hard to recognise the person who you love. Acknowledging that this is anticipatory grief can be an important step to understanding your feelings.’

Looking at family photographs and playing a favourite song can be good ways to find some connection.

Visiting a care home can feel difficult at Christmas, especially for children and young people, so try to keep the visit warm and inclusive.

‘Looking at family photographs together and playing a favourite song of theirs can be good ways to trigger memories, reminisce and find some connection with the person,’ offers Scates.

Battling illness at Christmas

Illness can also make Christmas a difficult time. In fact, according to Fabian Bolin, CEO and founder of War On Cancer, many people struggle with loneliness and isolation at this time of year, and these feelings can be especially detrimental to those battling cancer.

‘Last year, The British Medical Journal shared research showing that one in five cancer patients suffer from depression, compared to one in 20 across the general population, and numerous studies also support the fact that forced cheeriness is bad for our mental wellbeing,’ he says.

If you are undergoing cancer treatment, the social pressure to seem happy because it’s Christmas can be crippling.

‘If you are undergoing cancer treatment, have recently lost someone, or a friend or family member has been diagnosed, the social pressure to seem happy, simply because it’s Christmas, can be crippling.’

How to cope with grief at Christmas

Here are some practical ideas to help you cope if this time of year is difficult for you. You may find some of these tips work, while others don’t. That’s okay – be gentle with yourself and do what feels best for you:

❤️ Plan ahead

Spend a little time thinking about which festivities and Christmas rituals you feel comfortable participating in and which you really don’t. Some might be more painful than others, so it’s fine to turn down offers or invites that you know you won’t cope well with.

‘Decide what you want to do around the festive period and Christmas Day itself, and don’t feel coerced into celebrating with others if you really would prefer not to,’ agrees Dr Bijlani. ‘Those who know what you’ve been through should understand and accept your choices.’

❤️ Honour your loved one

While it may feel painful, honouring your lost loved one through past rituals and routines, or by creating small dedications to them, can be a comforting way to celebrate their life and keep their memory close this Christmas.

‘Do something to remember the person you have lost, so you can give their spirit energy and feel their closeness,’ suggests Lianna Champ, who has more than 40 years’ experience in grief counselling and funeral care, and is author of the practical guide, How to Grieve Like a Champ. ‘Why not use the Christmas tree to hang a special memento, photo or message, light a candle in their memory, pour a glass of their favourite tipple or cook their favourite dish?’

❤️ Ask for help

Christmas can be a testing time of year at the best of times, but when you’re navigating loss and grief, it can be especially difficult. Remember, it is always okay to ask for help if and when you need it. Try to open up to friends and loved ones, and spend time in their company. If you don’t feel able to do this, there are still people you can turn to, so don’t keep it bottled up inside.

‘Don’t feel ashamed to ask for help if you can’t cope with the overwhelming negative emotions of your bereavement,’ advises Dr Bijlani. ‘There is help available, including telephone support, such as The Samaritans, as well as bereavement counselling, which you can access via your GP, or privately at the Priory’s high street clinics or its hospitals. The NHS also suggests contacting a support organisation, such as Cruse Bereavement Care.’

❤️ Help others

If you’re not up to celebrating this year, or need a change from past traditions that may be too painful to take part in, why not spend a little time helping others? Volunteering at a Crisis centre, organising a winter coat collection for the homeless, or helping out at a local care home are all ways to spread a little joy to others in need this winter.

‘Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better, as well as offering a powerful distraction, and sometimes some perspective,’ says Dr Bijlani.

❤️ Look after yourself

If the festive period gets too much, make sure you take some time out for yourself.

‘Being kind to yourself at Christmas is important,’ urges Dr Bijlani. ‘While it may help to be around others, it’s important not to overwhelm yourself with situations where you may feel obliged to be cheerful. Try not to isolate yourself for the whole time, but know that others will understand that you may not feel ready to do all that is traditionally expected of you.’

Lianna Champ agrees that a little nurturing can go a long way. ‘Self-care is paramount,’ she says. ‘Climbing into a nice hot bath and relaxing can be really nurturing, especially with some aromatherapy bubbles and candles.’

❤️ Limit your alcohol intake

While it might seem like a good idea to dive headfirst into that bottle of red wine to help numb the pain of your loss, overdoing it on the alcohol front will likely leave you feeling a whole lot worse.

‘Alcohol can exaggerate some feelings and make you feel angry or aggressive,’ reminds Dr Bijlani. ‘It can also make you feel more depressed.’

❤️ Get some fresh air

Tempting as it may be to stay hidden under the bed covers or glued to mindless TV over the festive season, try to make the effort to get out and about.

‘Try not to limit yourself to just watching television, where you are likely to encounter Christmas content,’ advises Dr Bijlani. ‘Instead, try to include other activities, such as exercise or taking walks. Getting outside is key for your mental health. Low-key events, such as a trip to the cinema with a trusted friend, can also provide a welcome “escape”.’

❤️ Allow yourself happy moments

Treasure any moments of unexpected joy and happiness you experience this Christmas – don’t feel guilty about them. ‘Don’t berate yourself when you have happy moments – this is healthy and normal,’ reminds Lianna Champ.

Dr Bijlani agrees. ‘If you choose to participate in Christmas festivities, don’t feel guilty,’ she says. ‘Think about how your loved one would have wanted you to carry on with your life.’

Help and support

For further help and support coping with grief during the festive period, try one of the following resources:

Last updated: 10-12-19

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