Ancient shout-at-the-bins Northerner Mark E Smith has penned a World Cup Song, to grunt England to success in South Africa this summer. He has the field to himself, since the FA has decided not to commission an Official Dirge for 2010.

In the ditty, Smith advises the team to "take care of the invention of your nation", "socks up at last or be a Brazilian breakfast", and reminds them:

"This is not 1974, this is not 1976, you are not at Stamford Bridge, but you are on a Boer Ridge."

It's not quite up there with "Under Marble Millichip, the F.A. broods", but with most of the England team on the treatment table, he should have a captive audience.

Nervous millionaire sporting layabouts can start the conditioning process early, with this clip of Mark E Smith reading out the classified football results from a few years ago:

The song is called England's Heartbeat, was co-written with Ed Blaney and Jenny Shuttleworth, and comes out under the name Shuttleworth on June 7th. ®