After a very, very long night in Dallas, you wake up at a very unreasonable hour for the purpose of drinking more beer and having one last chance to yell at Texas fans before the game commences. The hangover has not yet reared its ugly head, but time is running out.

Tick tock. Tick tock...

But you’re responsible! After all, this isn’t your first OU-Texas rodeo. You smartly left a bottle of Pedialyte on your nightstand the night before to help you through the suffering in the morning. But alas, the task is simply too daunting for a baby drink. You and your friends later enter your cab or Uber, and the driver can still smell the booze on your breath. You’re still feeling pretty good. “Bonus drunk” is what they call it, I believe.

Tick tock. Tick tock...

The Uber driver takes you through a sketchy neighborhood on the way to the State Fair of Texas. You start to feel a little bit of a headache coming on, and your stomach begins to turn. Then you hit a bit of traffic.

Tick tock. Tick tock...

You’re still keeping it together, but the threat of impending doom has you a bit worried. You make it through the line to get into the fair, and you head for Big Tex. You see your dad standing at the feet of the creepy giant, and he’s waiting for you with two plastic cups of beer and Fletcher’s Corny Dog. Congratulations, you’re in the clear.

The fried food items at the State Fair of Texas are sometimes delicious and sometimes ill-conceived, but they’re an absolute must for those of us who do OU-Texas right. The best thing you can possibly have if you’re trying to feel better in the morning is a Fletcher’s Corny Dog, but I don’t think I need to go over that with any of y’all. Here are some of the new things you can try if you feel like mixing it up before the game. And hey, it’s a 2:30 game this year, so you may actually have time to eat more than one of these.

Deep Fried Chicken Noodle Soup on a Stick

Description: “Homestyle, perfectly spiced chicken noodle soup is deep fried and served on a stick. Each bite size ball will have an indention for a spoonful of savory broth sauce to complete the harmony of the best chicken noodle soup you’ve ever had, and certainly the first on a stick! Each dish is served with a side of crackers.”

I feel like this has more of a universal appeal the any of the other options. The ingredients of chicken noodle soup (minus the broth) seem like they would be somewhat easy to fry up in a ball, and I just don’t think there’s any way it could really taste that bad.

Appeal Grade: B+

Deep Fried Froot Loops

Description: “A classic cereal with a State Fair twist! Sweetened Froot Loops® are folded into whipped marshmallow, dipped in a creamy batter, fried to a golden brown, and then topped with a drizzle of glaze and powdered sugar. Breakfast cereal just got better!”

This sounds tasty, but there’s an obvious downside here. You just shouldn’t mix beer with sweets. That could result in some serious acid reflux. No thanks.

Appeal Grade: C-

Fat Smooth

Description: “Three delicious Belgium mini cream puffs on a skewer are dipped in a Café Du Monde® beignet batter. They are then fried until golden brown, dusted in powdered sugar, and drizzled with a chocolate and caramel sauce. The perfect combination to create bring-you-to-your-knees goodness.”

Okay, so this sort of brings me back to the last item and not eating sweets with beer. However, this one isn’t quite as sugary as the last one, and it sounds much more delicious.

Appeal Grade: B-

Fernie’s Fried Texas Sheet Cake

Description: “Start with a Texas-sized slice of fudgy chocolate brownie cake generously coated in ground cocoa puffs, panko, and cinnamon sugar. The coated brownie is fried, giving it an ooey-gooey molten center with a crunchy outside. The delicious fresh-from-the-fryer brownie is then glazed with a rich, dark icing made with Dr. Pepper®. The chocolatey glaze soaks into the warm brownie while cascading down the sides. The cake is served with chopped Texas pecans, a dollop of whipped cream, and garnished with a fresh strawberry carved to mimic a Lady Bird Johnson rose.”

WHHHHHHHHAT?! This is insane. We can again go back to what I said about the sweets, but I feel like this is fine if you just get one and share it with some folks. I’d take one bite only and probably enjoy the hell out of it.

Appeal Grade: B-

Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Burger

Description: “Begin with two funnel cakes that are fried to a golden crunch (aka “buns”). The first funnel bun is topped with a juicy, freshly-grilled burger patty, a heaping helping of crispy bacon, and gooey queso!! It is completed with another funnel bun and generously dusted with powdered sugar.”

Okay, now we’re talking. There are two possible outcomes here.

It ends up tasting delicious, and you end up going about your day with no issues (unless the Oklahoma Sooners lose). It ends up being delicious, but you have to spend the whole game in a bathroom stall. You may not even make out out for your celebratory Saturday evening.

I’m sure it’s amazing, but I’m not sure it’s safe.

Appeal Grade: B+

Gulf Coast Fish Bowl

Description: “A whimsical beverage featuring all the flavors of your favorite tropical coast, with a kick! Your drinkable aquarium begins with Nerds® candy gravel. Next, the drink is iced and filled with a specially-formulated blue alcoholic punch. Swedish Fish® swim through the ice while a pineapple slice serves as the lid! Each sip brings a stream of crunchy candy and tropical punch up the straw causing a flavor explosion that transports you beachside with every sip!”

You lost me at “whimsical”.

Appeal Grade: F

Pinot Noir Popcorn

Description: “It’s a blend of Santa Monica Kettle Corn generously dusted with a Pinot Noir burgundy wine powder. The wine-flavored popcorn is paired with savory cheddar cheese flavors to give you the perfect balance of sweet and savory. A perfect pair for a poppin’ snack!”

Wine and cheese-flavored anything is fantastic, and kettle corner is never not the bomb diggity. It don’t think it would be quite sweet enough to cause acid reflux or anything like that, either.

Appeal Grade: B

Surfin’ Turfin Tator Boat

Description: “Succulent lobster meat is marinated in lemon herb butter and partnered with seasoned steak that is grilled to perfection. Both are topped with cheddar and romano cheeses after being stuffed into a piping-hot baked potato with roasted garlic butter melted inside. It is topped off with a single empress cut lobster claw and a side of lemon butter for dipping.”

People from the coasts may question my decision to eat Lobster served at a fair in Dallas, but I grew up in Oklahoma. I’m not exactly a seafood snob. Gimme the boat.

Appeal Grade: A-

Texas Fajita Fries

Description: “Tenderly breaded deep-fried beef fajita strips are seasoned with a sriracha spice mix and served in a bread cone. Presented on a bed of Texas toothpicks (fried onions and jalapeños) with a side of pico de gallo and a cool, yet spicy, sour cream guacamole hot sauce. Texas fajita fries can be enjoyed as a sandwich or individually like French fries.”

I’m mildly allergic to avocado, but you probably aren’t. Texas toothpicks are my jam, but I’m just not sure how the fried fajita steak would turn out. At the very least, I’m intrigued.

Appeal Grade: B+

The Tamale Donut

Description: “Take a traditional tamale and turn it into a not-so-traditional donut! Our “Classic Pork” Tamale Donut starts with slow-cooked pork carnitas, blended with authentic “made-from-scratch” masa. Each dish is hand-formed into the donut shape and fried until crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. The “Classic Pork” Tamale Donut is finished off with a drizzle of homemade creamy jalapeno salsa.”

This checks out. Tamales are delicious, and they know how to make them in Texas.

Appeal Grade: A-

Other Options

Chicken Fried Spam Fries: C

Crabmeat Jalapeno Poppers: B

Chicken Jalapeno Poppers: B

Veggie Hot Dog: F-

Crawfish Lollipop: B+

Cajun Fried Deviled Eggs: B+

Fried El Paso: ?????

Deep Fried Beef Jerky: D-

Deep Fried Slovacek’s Garlic Pepper Jack Sausage Wrapped with Bacon on a Stick: A-

Check out the full list of new food here.

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