Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

If there's one thing that is universally true about all people who live in cities, it is this: They are judgy about the suburbs. They never go to them, or do so only rarely and under duress, but that doesn't stop them from having opinions.

I am no different. I have lived in Portland for eight years (two four-year stints separated by eight years in San Francisco, which makes me even more detestable). None of those years has been spent in the suburbs, save a few months when I worked at a frame shop and spent each day of my work week at a different location, meaning I spent a good deal of time in Tigard and Lake Oswego. I also

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Does that make me an expert? Certainly not. But it does make me someone with an opinion. So here it is, my totally subjective ranking of Portland's suburbs, not as places to live but as places to visit, from worst to best.

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

17. Lake Oswego

Someone has to be worst and it is, without a doubt, Lake Oswego, L.O. to the locals, is built around a lake that is

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

16. West Linn

What is West Linn, besides probably a lovely place to live? It has wonderful spots, surely, but most of us will never see them as they are behind gates or at least hidden down a secret path in a derelict-looking park.

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

15. Wilsonville

Is a pretty-fun family fun center enough to move this freeway stop up the rankings? No. The city's second-biggest attraction is a museum dedicated to cars, which seems appropriate given its proximity to Interstate 5.

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Thomas Boyd/The Oregonian

14. Tigard

There's a lot of recreating to be done in Tigard -- you can jump on trampolines or even skydive indoors -- but pretty much all of it is indoors and involves spending money, because Tigard mainly seems like strip malls and concrete.

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Stephanie Yao Long/The Oregonian

13. Sherwood

Sherwood is not the adorable forest from "Robin Hood." It is definitely quaint, but it is also heavy on the strip mall and light on the singing animals ("Robin Hood" is a Disney original, right?).

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Grant Butler/The Oregonian

12. Beaverton

Beaverton is large and full of Nike employees -- millennials who out-casual the most casual newspaper person -- and strip malls with Chipotles to meet their needs. If you spend enough time there, you can find treasures hidden in the strip malls, like delicious Indian food and elaborate escape rooms. But still, you are working within a matrix of strip malls.

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Thomas Boyd/The Oregonian

11. Aloha

Aloha has a couple good things going for it: It's relatively rural so there's a lot of cool outdoor things, like vineyards and nature parks. And there's a very large bunny rabbit in front of a building on TV Highway.

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

10. Tualatin

Even though Tualatin apparently doesn't include the magnificent Tualatin River National Wildlife Refuge, it's close enough that it earns Tualatin a better ranking than its neighbors, Sherwood and Tigard. Also, it does include

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

9. Happy Valley

Happy Valley has an epic New Seasons and a fun name, plus some outdoorsy destinations -- Mount Talbert Nature Park and the Clackamas River -- which elevates it above its western relatives. Plus, it doesn't have the elitist attitude (cough, Lake Oswego) of other affluent suburbs.

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

8. Corbett

Corbett is an unincorporated stretch of Historic Columbia River Highway that punches above its weight class. There's something nostalgic and magical about driving the highway, and the views are stunning. It might be deathly boring to live here, but visit at least once a year and go during lavender season.

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Jamie Hale/The Oregonian

7. Vancouver

Vancouver is Portland's cool younger sister -- selling booze in grocery stores, pumping its own gas, getting into weed first. It would rank higher and maybe even highest, if someone would fix that ridiculous I-5 bridge commuting situation.

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Abby Lynes/The Oregonian

6. Hillsboro

On one hand, Hillsboro is Beaverton-lite. On the other hand, it has a truly lovely downtown, awesome parks, and the feeling of small town in the middle of Oregon that hasn't been decimated by a paper mill closing.

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5. Oregon City

Speaking of paper mills...even though Oregon City's paper mill is long closed, and sitting abandoned in prime real estate next to the waterfalls, the city is still a super cute and geographically interesting place. What other town has an elevator street? Plus, to get there you can leave fancy West Linn by adorable bridge! Also, Oregon City was the last stop on the Oregon Trail, and that's something, right?

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

4. Milwaukie

Milwaukie is a strange suburb in that it's actually basically part of Portland, but it has suburban things, like a video rental store that serves amazing custard, a park on an island in the river and a super cute, old downtown that is, gasp, accessible by MAX. Someone should tell Vancouver how cool this is!

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Faith Cathcart/The Oregonian

3. Gresham

Gresham is a bold choice for No. 3, if I do say so myself. But Gresham is the sleeper hit of the Portland metro area. First, the food. Hidden in strip malls and car dealerships, you can find pupusas and Peruvian rotisserie chicken. Second, it's on a MAX line. Third, it has a really good view of Mount Hood and it's on the way to that magical mountain.

Gresham is a perfect example of what separates the suburbs east of the Willamette from the ones on the west side: Gresham feels more approachable. Maybe it's because people move to the east-side suburbs for affordability and people move to the west-side suburbs to get their kids in higher-rated schools, but the vibe is decidedly more welcoming east of the river.

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

2. Forest Grove

Every rule has its exceptions. Take Forest Grove, on the west side of the Willamette. Forest Grove is about as far out as you can go and still be a burb, and that shows in the way the town has its own character and feels like a vacation destination. Whether it's a winery overlooking a valley or a destination McMenamins, you can find so much to do in this super cute town, you might as well spend the night.

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Anna Spoerre/The Oregonian

1. Troutdale

Troutdale has everything and by everything I mean the beautiful Sandy River. Portland is a river-centered city, but most people don't ever dip their toes in the Willamette or the Columbia. The Sandy is a different story. It's manageable and too shallow and small for ships. It has sandy shores, natch, and with the addition of Sugarpine Drive-In at the edge of town overlooking the river, what is a better spot to visit, literally any time of year?

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-- Lizzy Acker

503-221-8052

lacker@oregonian.com, @lizzzyacker

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