DENVER (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans lost consciousness on Wednesday night between the hours of 9 and 10:30 P.M. E.T., according to widespread anecdotal reports from coast to coast.

The sudden epidemic of sleepiness prevented voters from watching more than a minute or two of the first Presidential debate between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama, which the few observers who remained awake have called the most tedious in American history.

Moderator Jim Lehrer’s opening instruction to the audience that they remain silent proved unnecessary, since within minutes most of them sat with their heads tipped forward, drool visibly dangling from their mouths.

Mr. Obama began the debate with a high-risk tactic that seemed designed to alienate huge swaths of the country—the use of math and facts—but ultimately his words seemed unlikely to turn off many viewers, who were soon off on their journey to dreamland.

Mr. Romney’s much-trumpeted “zingers” were nowhere in evidence, except for a mystifying non-sequitur attack on PBS’s Big Bird.

The only fireworks came at the very beginning of the debate, when Mr. Obama congratulated his wife, Michelle, on their twentieth wedding anniversary, drawing this response from Mr. Romney: “I disagree with your decision to marry Michelle. On Day One, I’ll reverse it.”

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Andy Borowitz is doing a show to benefit public radio.

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• John Cassidy on why Romney won and how Obama can bounce back.

• Amy Davidson on the seven chances Obama missed.

• Transcript of debate live chat with New Yorker writers and editors.