Kate is in the office today because she wanted to lose the spelling bee in person like a true marine. I’m going to string all these idiots up and watch them stumble over simple vocabulary like a group of short bus third graders. I actually feel bad that I’m in this competition because I’m simply in a different weight class. Barstool’s motto should be “by the common man, for the common man, until we hired Francis, and now we have stuff for smarter people too.” lol I have a boner.

Kate sat down across from me and we started talking because she’s the nicest human being alive. I’m still going to enjoy beating her down with my brain, but I’ll lie and tell her “good job” to make her feel better. After all, women cry easily and that always sucks because you have to put everything on hold to sort them out so people don’t think you caused it. Anyway, we started talking about the DMs we receive from members of the opposite sex. Hand up, 90% of my DMs come from dudes telling me to either kill myself or give them a job. But in the course of one month, I was verified, posted a shirtless beach pic, and wrote and performed “Bad Guy” (a ballad about how I treat women poorly). These developments opened the floodgates, and ladies pranced in from near and far, over hill and dale, to make a pitch for my heart.

I am fascinated by issues of gender and sex, so I was thrilled to compare some of my best/worst DMs with some of Kate’s. Here now is a terrific illustration of how men and women differ in their DM overtures…

1A. Blunt to Francis

I do. Always. But you’d need to take me out for a margarita first so that we can establish a connection. I need to at least think there’s a chance I’ll see you again. lol jk, I ain’t no bitch. (I am, and any girl this forward scares the pants off of me, but only when I’m alone, in my bathroom, safe with myself).

1B. Blunt to Kate

Whelp, Kate wins. Nothing like a good visual aid to break the ice. It’s the same concept as mine, except not only does she understand his message, she knows exactly what sort of unit to expect.

By the way, this was jarring for me. This dick pretty much hit me in the mouth when Kate sent it to me. You hear girls talk about getting unsolicited dick pics but I never really knew how true it was. I cannot conceptualize the sort of psychopath that sends a picture of his penis to a complete stranger, out of the blue. Do you have nothing to live for? This could completely destroy your career, embarrass you with your family, etc.

2A. Creative/funny to Francis

Terrific. Well, as long as she’s kidding. If she’s serious, that is one poverty-stricken woman. What an outrageously low price for such a dangerous act. She has no idea what sort of squats I’d have done that day, or whether I’ll have gorged on cottage cheese or the type of leaky snack that can make for a slippery mudslide down there. THREE DOLLARS? Somebody get this girl on a better dental plan. (PS- I know she’s kidding, but it’s more fun to assume she’s just a desperate crackhead who solicits Johns through direct message).

2B. Creative/funny to Kate

I’m howling. I don’t think he was being funny, either. I think this guy has a surplus of Amazon gift cards because it’s all his grandma sends him on birthdays/Christmas and he refuses to redeem them because he believes in supporting local, small businesses. I urged Kate to take a video of Nate’s gnarled warlock feet and see if this guy still held up his end of the bargain. We’ll keep you posted…

3A. Persistent/creepy to Francis

Ladies, if at first you don’t succeed, suggest domestic abuse. It’s a terrific way to let him know you have no idea who or where your father is. Her confusion is understandable: what man, in his right mind, would neglect the messages of a hot girl? That’s all it takes, right? Lastly, thanks for the endorsement of my pasty brethren. I beg to differ though… we’re not in, nor will we ever be, especially as global warming continues to eat away at our natural habitat.

3B. Persistent/creepy to Kate

Recognizing that his fist message was a response to Kate’s story, I still think “have you slept yet?” is a tough look. Do not inquire about the sleeping habits of a total stranger if you expect to have a future. Also, you can’t say “love you” and then follow that with “I’m slowly falling in love with you.” The first does not precede the second. You slowly fall… and then you love. This guy has his romance evolution chart backward.

Alright. Time for a game. Let’s play “TO WHOM WERE THESE SENT?!” aka “WHO GOT IT?” Leave your responses in the comment section/twitter/reddit, just know that I won’t read it because I’m too busy digging tunnels into Israel and trying to thwart their frustratingly-effective anti-missile defense system.

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