A new study reveals daily commuters would rather battle traffic congestion than get public transport to work. Why? Join me and my friends The Groomer and The Spreader on a train next time, writes Deirdre Fidge.

Public transport is wonderful. There is no sarcasm there; I genuinely love catching trams and trains. It helps the environment, saves time and allows you to secretly listen to your "BEST '90s SONGS EVA" playlist in peace.

I'm that clichéd Melbournian clutching a coffee and excitedly bouncing towards the tram; I just love PT.

In fact, it's wonderful to hear that marriage equality is a slippery slope to all sorts of depravity because soon enough I will legally marry a tram and it will be the most beautiful springtime ceremony.

Sadly, as every beautiful rainbow has its gloomy shower, so too does public transport have its downsides - including literally being smacked in the face with a soggy umbrella following a rainbow sighting on your way home.

A recent study conducted by road research group ARRB found that most Australians would prefer to get up at the crack of magpies and arrive at work early, to avoid the stress of road congestion, than hop on a train.

The option to arrive at work earlier (or later) to avoid traffic jams was overwhelmingly the most popular response, compared to catching public transport even just one or more days per week. VicRoads have advised that traffic on freeway alternatives have increased between 2-8 per cent, indicating people are trying to drive their way out of traffic congestion instead of simply hopping on a tram.

Even if you do drive to work every day, in your fancy car with your fancy stereo system and fancy heated seats that complement your glute composition, chances are you've trudged onto a tram or train in your life, at least once.

Whether you're a once-a-year bus hopper or a daily tram enthusiast, we all end up meeting the same types of people on public transport. Depending on the journey, it can be a rough trip - my fondness for trams is equally passionate to my dislike of buses.

Buses are essentially large sauna boxes designed to inhale other people's body odours and shift uncomfortably every stop like we are all in a novelty bouncing car. The only time a bus is acceptable is when you're rewatching Eminem's film 8 Mile, shoving Twisties into your face and questioning your life choices.

And so, we have compiled a list of the commuters we all know and love (to hate). Please note, this list is best read when accompanied by the still-fabulous 1998 Bachelor Girl hit, Buses and Trains.

1. The Groomer

Yes Sandra, we know it's very busy juggling the balance of work/family/Valium dependence. But surely you have a spare five minutes at home to clip your nails, instead of providing us with the horror of the tiny half-moon clippings bouncing onto the public floor.

2. The Spreader

There is nothing like alighting a train and seeing six seats being taken up by one person, their bag, their newspaper, their Tupperware-sealed lunch and their large collection of antique wooden dolls.

A bit of insight wouldn't go astray, folks. If your legs are essentially doing the splits onto two separate people's faces, maybe reconsider your positioning. Let's keep our legs and belongings to ourselves.

3. The Passionate Foodie

Food is great and wonderful and probably one of the only reasons worth living. However, there is a time and place for indulging in your specially prepared enormous focaccia filled with seven oven-roasted vegetables and three-quarters of a chicken. We can all smell the twelve herbs and spices, and you just dropped some spinach on my lap.

4. The Screamer

There is no word other than screaming for the level of volume when people talk on their phones in a confined place. It's possible they don't realise that all 87 of us can hear in detail what happened the night before when you argued with your partner.

Wait, are you arguing with your partner right now? Did you just call them a "pickle face"? Regardless of how oddly fascinating this is, there's a reason I watch Neighbours every night and it's not just because of Toadie's handsome beard. Please take the dramatic personal conversations to a private place.

5. The Businessman Who Is More Important Than You and Deserves To Get On The Train Before You, Take Up More Space And You Should Feel Bad About Yourself, You Worthless Tiny Pleb

We get it: you're very, very important.

Deirdre Fidge is a Melbourne-based comedian, writer and social worker.