Toronto FC II

“The Spooners”

So, here we are, the first time since 2010 a TFC side will play in a league without Canadian opposition. Pray to God they don’t mark the occasion by playing like it, although it’s not like things could go any worse than last year.

Lest we forget, after three years of near-misses, TFC II finally did what FC Montreal and ‘Caps 2 failed to and finished rock bottom of the USL. Just as well no one (yet) cares enough about that league to hand out wooden spoon trophies.

Not that many of the forty players to grace the turf of Lamport (and Rochester) in 2018 are still around. With Okello and Endoh elevated to first-team status, that leaves just seven ‘spooners’ among the crop of draftees, loanees, freebies and academy kids Michael Rabasca’s been given to make a team with.

It’s still a bit of a mystery how much reinforcement he’ll be able to call on from Vanney. You’d assume Okello, Dunn and Dorsey will be available for long stretches, but the holy trinity of Akinola, Hamilton and Endoh might be out of reach. Mind you, I’m not ruling out Terrence Boyd (a.k.a. the Punter of Panama) dropping down if Jozy can stay fit.

Word to the wise: be prepared for a slow start. Before the kids even kick a ball, Tormenta and Tucson will be two games up on them. They’ll then be on a four-game road trip before their first match north of the border on May 27th.

Richmond Kickers

“The (Sh*t)Kickers”

In the spirit of bullsh*t rivalries embodied by the Trillium Cup, convention demands we choose at least one team to (pretend to) hate that little bit more. So, until the Rochester Rhinos is revived (Lake Ontario Derby anyone?), these guys will have to do.

Not that Richmond are short on reasons to be bitter towards TFC II: they suffered the indignity of losing to them last August.

Posturing aside, I’m not putting it past the Kickers to run the table this year. They quite literally have history on their side, what with having played more seasons than TFC II and Orlando City B plus Tormenta, Tuscon and Lansing’s PDL outfits combined.

Now, how about a clumsy centre-back called Tetsuo?

On the flip side, their squad can’t exactly be called tenured. Over the off-season, more or less everyone besides their left-backs scattered, but they did pick up NASL survivor Akira Fitzgerald, who could pick up a certain glove-shaped statuette for his mantle.

Lansing Ignite

“The Spark Plugs”

Where do you suppose Lansing ranks on the list of Least Known US State Capitals? Whatever the answer, it didn’t strike me as the most obvious place for Michigan’s first pro soccer team in twenty-plus years. Not most obvious name, either.

Credit it to them for ditching their old PDL side’s United moniker, but both name and crest were apparently ‘inspired’ (as any good plagiarist would put it) by an old indoor team from Detroit. Granted, the Pistons have a monopoly on the best automotive-themed name, but there’re plenty other parts on a car, and associated verbs to boot.

Also, doesn’t FC Cincinnati hold the MLS Discovery Rights for the word ‘ignite’?

Was “Congregate & Immolate” taken?

The branding might be a throwback, but their squad sure isn’t. They’ve only kept a handful of Lansing United alumni, including Kaizer Chiefs youth product Tumi Moshobane. One left-field pick-up was 19-year-old Haitian winger Steeve Saint-Duc, an LAFC cast-off who (surprisingly) failed to displace Carlos Vela or Diego Rossi.

Oh, and that Raheem Edwards-to-Lansing rumour Sam Steksjal biffed out seems to have come to nothing. God knows that was one homecoming no Reds fan needed to see.

Source tells me that the Fire will loan Elliott Collier to Memphis and Raheem Edwards to Lansing to become compliant in regards to international spots. — Sam Stejskal (@samstejskal) March 1, 2019

Forward Madison FC

“The Meme Machine”

Fans of most lower-tier soccer teams live in perpetual fear of seeing their best players poached by bigger teams, but in Forward Madison’s case, I’d be more worried about someone coming after their social media director.

Seriously, if their on-field play’s anything like their Twitter game, they’ll have the regular-season championship sewn up by July.

From a roster standpoint, these guys have grabbed the league’s best Brazilian in old NASL bruiser Paulo, Jr (sorry Orlando). Ever the hipsters’ choice, they’ve even bucked the trend of USL’s fixation with West Africans by acquiring a Tanzanian duo in Minnesota United loanee Ally Hamis Ng’anzi and open trialist Vital Nizigiyimana.

The pride of Fort Lauderdale Strikers (RIP)

Chattanooga Red Wolves SC

“RW Chattanooga”

I hate to throw shade on quality branding – given the local connection, I thought the choice of red wolves was frankly genius – but stick the word ‘red’ in front of any animal except pandas and I immediately think of cows.

Anyway, I’d wager Chattanooga FC fans are feeling a lot like Lokomotive Leipzig supporters did when RB Leipzig set up shop across town. At least the Chattahooligans can be safe in the knowledge they’ve still got the better stadium deal.

Here’s hoping the Red Wolves keep that big old thunderbolt intact when they kick off at Chattanooga Christian School.

Looks striking, no?

To give them their due, the team’s made an outstanding move in bagging Éamon Zayed. At 35, he’s by far the oldest player in the league, but judging by what happened when Dwight Yorke went to Australia in 2005, having a proven goalscorer at whatever age in a first-year league can be decisive.

As for Zayed, there are already some articles out there talking him up like he’s bloody Robbie Keane. He’s not that good, but he does have an annoying habit of scoring for fun almost anywhere he goes, so the Mediterranean Knight should probably be hot favourite for a certain shiny shoe.

That’s not a toilet seat Dwight’s holding.

Meet the Five Down South here.