Top of the City

KATE BUSH

Turned up at my door the other week.

We meet from time to time, I first met her when I helped her with some Parking tickets, because she's really shit at parking her car.

She once took up 12 parking spaces with a Mini, you should have seen it, it was like a glorious optical illusion, albeit an optical illusion that blocked an ambulance from accessing a stroke victim.

So she turned up at my door, and her hair was just completely slicked back, which she didn't usually do. And she coerced me into going up with her to the observation deck at the top of the Heron Tower, just down the road in the City of London.

And so we got to the observation deck and she started off as she usually does, with a cheeky smile, asking me what drink I want, as her hand was buried into my wallet with a squelch.

So she got me a £30 shot of whiskey. And then I kept asking Kate as I drank this £30 shot of whiskey. "Why have you taken us to the top of this tower?"

But she kept avoiding the question and diverting the conversation to her Laserdisc collection.

She kept going on and on about where she bought them, what features they had, how moist her eyelids were at the exact time of purchase. She was not usually this manic it was unsettling.

And she kept pulling a laserdisc out of her bag, she flashed it at me quickly like it was some kind of gun she was concealing that she was about to let loose on the crowd.

It was putting me on edge, and then she started to point at people in the bar with a childish disgusted expression on her face and she'd say:

"Yuck, that woman has arms coming out of her shoulders"

or "Jesus Christ that man has no hair on his palms"

or she'd go "Why is everyone walking forwards today?".

And you know, that £30 whiskey wasn't enough to get me through this nonsense and I had to spend another £30 on another shot of vodka, but the bartender also said I had to pay them 10 fresh baby stem cells.

What has the economy come to? It was 5 baby stem cells last year

So I started to spill the few stem cells I had left from my wallet into the snobby bartender's hands When I heard a huge racket behind me

And I turned to see that Kate Bush had lost it

She had absolutely lost it

She kept threatening to slice people's heads off with her laserdisc

She shrieked "I know where all your jugulars are, I kept a note of them on my notepad"

And the security bouncers were just slowly pacing behind her unsure of what to do, they just kept saying to themselves really conflictedly

'She's a national treasure, we must not spoil her, she's a national treasure, we must not soil her'

And I tried to subdue her but she kept slapping me in the face with her laser disc

'Stay away WA, or I'll activate the lasers'

and I tried to reason with her

"Kate, if you spoil the laser disc surface you may damage the data"

And she finally slowed down

I marshalled her to the bathroom and she just leant her forehead against the window, where you could see all of London spread out, with all the little spots of street lamps like the little spots on the laserdisc

And she just mumbled to me in a whisper

"I hope all of London burns away WA, I hope it all just burns away"