Let’s get this out the way, Steven Gerrard once did a slip, fell on his

fahkin’ @rse and gave it to Demba Ba. There, it’s out of the way. But the

Mill isn’t cruel, it’s not about to mention the slip every time Gerrard’s

name comes up. It’s 2016, we’ve all moved on since he fell on his fahkin’

@rse. Oh God. It’s 2016. The Mill doesn’t want it to be 2016. 2016 is

awful. The Mill warmed up for the stern task of collating today’s transfer

riff raff by watching a debate about one of those alt-right charmers

wondering whether Jews are people.

Eff off, 2016.

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Let’s go back to 2014, when life was so much better and funnier. Steven

Gerrard, for instance. He gave it to Demba Ba! Tee hee! Ho ho! Huck hum!

Sorry, Stevie, it’s a cheap gag, but we’ve all got to find ways to get

through the day, and the Mill is so unoriginal that this is all it can

muster in response to the news that you’re in talks with Liverpool over a

coaching role. Still, congratulations. Better to return home than manage

Franchise FC.

We’re all about homecomings today. Like Gerrard, Robbie Keane has had

enough of Los Angeles. Yeah, what’s so special about LA anyway? The

Republic of Ireland striker’s time at LA Galaxy is up and word is that a

move to Shamrock Rovers, his hometown club, could be in the offing. Take

that, Dundalk FC. Your reign of terror in the League of Ireland could be

coming to an end before you know it!

Anyway, the start of the previous paragraph was a bit misleading, we’re not

all about homecomings today. It just felt that way because of Gerrard and

Keane, then the Mill got carried away. Moving on, Crystal Palace are said

to be losing patience with Alan Pardew, who could find himself out of a job

if they lose at Swansea City on Saturday. LA Galaxy need a new midfielder,

though, so Pardew could be back in work in no time at all.

Liverpool’s scouting department has been notified that Southampton have

produced another one. Now they want Sam McQueen.

And finally, even Leicester City have had enough of 2016. Hopelessly out of

form, the champions have decided to look ahead to January, when they hope

to sign Genk’s Wilfred Ndidi and Swansea’s Modou Barrow, who also has his

admirers at Southampton.