Logical Conclusions to Christianity’s Existence Claims

May 15, 2012

If you’re of the Christian faith, then the consequence of existence is very clear: We’re all going to hell! (Well, save for a select few.) So what’s one to do in light of these lousy odds? Here are two options to consider:

There are those who believe that there’s no amount of bad which is able to negate the good. They’ll say something to the effect of “Yes, it is unfortunate that hell awaits for so many. However, even a billion tortured souls is worth it if just ONE soul enters into glorious heaven!”

But I ask: Why aim so low? There is a clear-cut path to heaven, one that many seem to have overlooked. David hints at in 2 Samuel 12:22-23. It’s a belief common to nearly all of the many sects and divisions of Christianity. And it’s likely even a staple of most religions in general:

All babies go to heaven.

So if you really want to see more souls enter into heaven, there is a way. However, you’ll need to have the same heart as Paul in Romans 9:1-3. You must be willing to trade your own salvation with someone else. To follow this plan, you absolutely must be ready to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others:

1. Again, just so there is no misconception, you will be making the ultimate sacrifice. You’re going to be forfeiting your own salvation, but, depending on your ambition, you could save thousands!!!

2. Your goal is to create as many babies as possible.

3. To achieve this, you’ll need to sleep around with and impregnate as many women as you can. (For ambitious females, sorry, but you won’t be able to create as many kids on your own. However, you could certainly hit high double digits in your own lifetime with a little effort!)

4. You should also inject your many mates with fertility drugs in order to increase the chances of twins, triplets, etc.

5. Provide the best care to your many mates so as to ensure safe delivery of your children.

666. Kill all of the babies as soon as they are born. Or, better yet, have them delivered underwater. This yields the intended effect of near-instant death with the added bonus of instant baptism (just in case that’s necessary for salvation).

7. Congratulations! All of these dead babies get a straight path to heaven, no questions asked, no doubt, no chance of hell! As yet another bonus, they even get to escape the suffering that is life on earth in general!

8. You, unfortunately, will likely be reserved a special place in hell for exploiting a loophole in God’s perfect plan and for overpopulating heaven. However, all those souls in that exclusive club up in the sky will secretly and quietly praise your name forevermore.

Well, that’s option A. If that, hopefully, offends you to no end, how about a more humane solution? Nay, how about the MOST humane solution possible? Since the likelihood of any possible children from your loins making it into heaven is, for all intents and purposes, ZERO (and thus the chance of future weather is 100% eternal fire), why not choose the following, with far less steps:

1. Never produce children.

Notice that I didn’t say ‘never have children’. If you really want to have children, why not do potentially the best act any Christian could do? Adopt. As it says in James 1:27, care for the orphans. If you are serious about building your home upon love, could you do better than providing for one who has none? You will have:

1. Prevented some poor, unfortunate soul from being dragged from nonexistence into eternal suffering

2. Performed an incredible act of love on this earth

3. Displayed a perfect example of Christ’s love for you

4. Even though the chance is incredibly slim, you might even save this adopted child from hell

So, if you simply must have children, focus on the ones that ALREADY exist. Try to spare them from eternal fire. Do not instead birth more kindling onto the pyre.

Never produce children.