Oh wait, that second one is me asking “how are you?”

Yup, I’ve done it too. As you can see, I didn’t even get a response, which is fair, because this is quite the uninspiring way to start to a conversation.

Seriously, when is the last time you got excited when someone texted or greeted you with “how are you?” If you’re anything like me, it probably made you groan, and here are 3 reasons why.

Why “how are you?” sucks

1. This is the automatic filler phrase we use to acknowledge people

Instead of a simple nod or a “hello”, we usually go through the exchange below when encountering people throughout the day:

Person A: “Hi, how are you?”

Person B: “Good, and you?”

Person A: “I’m good, thanks”

And that’s it!

This has always seemed super weird to me. Why do we go through this useless charade? I don’t have the answer, but I know that asking “how are you?” no longer has any significance. If someone asks you this question, you can safely assume they don’t want the real answer.

2. It’s even worse on text

In person, I can put my hand on your shoulder, look into your eyes, smile warmly, and gently ask, “how are you?” – and that’s a very different question.

But that’s impossible to translate on text; there’s just not enough context. So this question just seems redundant with a greeting like “hey”.

3. It’s a horrible way to get people to open up

Whenever I used to “catch up” with someone, my typical strategy was to say something like “hey, I haven’t seen you in so long, how are you?” or “what’s new with you?”.

And I would get annoyed with myself, because everyone would just give simple answers, like “good” or “tired” and then direct the question back at me! I would, of course, give a similar response, and then the awkward, uncomfortable silence would take over.

I now understand my error. Asking “how are you?” is like saying “Hey, I want to connect with you, so YOU pick a topic!"

This puts a huge burden on the other person, because there are SO many ways that question can be answered. The other person must now remember which parts of their life you know about, which parts you care about, which parts you would be comfortable knowing about, whether anything is new or noteworthy in those areas, etc.

And that’s a lot of work, so it’s no wonder people have simple responses to this question, such as “I’m good,” or “fine, how are you?” It’s easier, safer, and eventually automatic as we become numb to this groan-worthy question.

But there’s a better way.

My top 3 alternatives to “how are you?”

For me, this problem was maddening, because I craved deep connections. I craved those soul-baring conversations that lead to lifelong friendships. But with this question, the best I got was surface level updates on work or travel. Blech.

Thankfully, I had the opportunity to do something about it.

After 4+ years of practice and $25,000+ invested in a program with a dating coach, I don’t have this problem anymore. My text conversations are way more interesting, and every time I spend time with a friend, I know I’m going to have a meaningful conversation with them.

So what did I learn? Here are the top 3 things I do instead of asking “how are you?”

1. Recall and ask about the little things

It means the world to people when you remember little details about their life. Sometimes, that information is available if you just scroll up to your previous texts with them. Or, you may have incredible memory and remember everything they talked about the last time you connected.

My memory is not that amazing, so I plan ahead for this. When I connect with someone and they mention something they are excited about, when we part ways, I set myself a reminder to ask them about it in the future. This is really easy to do with the digital personal assistants built into our phones. Here’s how I do it with Siri in about 5 seconds.