There’s so little happening in Scottish politics news today that we had to read David Torrance’s column in the Herald, and we must say we ended up pretty confused.

Not by the fact that it was a free half-page advert for a new Unionist “thinktank” set up by an angry unsuccessful dogfood salesman readers may be familiar with – there were no surprises to be found there from either Torrance or the Herald – but by the thinktank itself, which doesn’t seem to know its Arsenal from its Devil’s Elbow.

Called “These Islands”, the group appears to concern itself with just one of the UK’s many islands (Great Britain) and only three of its four constituent nations, with the most Unionist of them all – Northern Ireland – left out in the cold, apparently having gained independence from both the UK and the Republic overnight without anyone noticing while the latter has been re-annexed for the glory of the Empire.

Indeed, the six counties are even explicitly excluded from the term “United Kingdom”. But then, bewilderingly, the group uses a header image featuring Scotland, England, Northern Ireland and the Republic, while completely excluding poor old Wales.

Yet on the “Story” panel (as opposed to the “Mission” panel directly adjacent to it) the narrative suddenly changes from “the union between England and Scotland – founded in turn upon the much older union between England and Wales” to “the Union between Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland”.

(Excessively fussy historians might note in passing that “union” is an interesting way to describe the joining together of Wales and England.)

Comically, the group, launching tomorrow in – where else? – London, then professes to be “enthusiastic about local identities and loyalties”, while everyone tries with heads spinning to work out precisely which identities and loyalties it might be talking about.

Is that the one-island, two-union, three-nation “United Kingdom” of England, Scotland and Wales but NOT Northern Ireland (as per the blurb)? Or are they referring to the multi-island, four-nation, one-union, two-state entity arbitrarily encompassing England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the Republic Of Ireland but NOT Wales (as per the picture)? Or some other variant entirely?

The only permutation that’s been definitively ruled out appears to be the ACTUAL, four-nation, four-parliament United Kingdom, so we suppose it’s hard to argue with the assertion that there’s “a pressing need for recalibration”.

(We should perhaps note that it’s taken them eight months of “well-developed thought” to reach this highly-polished state, and their launch is five months late.)

The @theseislands Twitter ID on the Facebook page (there’s no proper website, so far as we can establish) actually directs to a “Marilu U. Gutierrez”, whose last tweet – over a year ago – is about someone splendidly called Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos.

But then there’s a particularly excellent surprise twist:

Because we’re of course all familiar with the hordes of immigrant red squirrels who’ve swum to Belfast and Dublin from Scotland, or the endless plagues of pine martens and golden eagles infesting the more deprived parts of Birmingham. We’re sure the group will have some sharp ideas for dealing with them.

And it’s reassuring that the dogfood salesman is sticking to what he knows:

We are, readers, quite fantastically excited to hear what this dynamic new collection of experts is going to come up with on the subject of whichever “islands” and whichever “United Kingdom” they’re actually talking about at any given moment, if they ever make their minds up. We’re sure that above all it’ll be reliable and robust.

We’ll naturally keep you informed, if there’s absolutely nothing else happening.