CLEVELAND—Making his way toward the facility’s parking lot Thursday with nearly $40 in battery-operated purchases, local father Nick Kelsey conceded to reporters he was incorrect in his belief that he could make it out of the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo without buying his kids any light-up shit. “I went in figuring I’d have to get them each a Chipwich and maybe a balloon animal, but definitely not any of that plastic light-up junk,” said Kelsey, 42, who explained he had envisioned himself and his family making it through the various animal enclosures and getting back to the car with at most a plush toy, not three glow necklaces and wands that flash multiple colors. “Boy, I was wrong on that one. Why do they even sell this light-up crap here? This is a zoo.” As of press time, every one of the light-up items was wedged underneath the Kelsey family car’s passenger seat.

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