Flirting Tips for Women:

Make the first move!

95% of men say they would love to be approached by a woman. Unless she's a fat chick. Then it's just awkward.

If you are not interested, be polite when rejecting a man!

"Get lost nerd!" is not the way to say no. Just like people, nerds have feelings too.

If you are not interested, make it clear and be polite. If this person is not for you, they may have friend potential and who knows the benefits that can bring! Most men are so thrilled at the prospect of "friend potential" that they'll high-five their buds right there in the bar and do a celebratory dance called the "Friend Zone Shuffle"!

Separate Yourself from Your Friends!

Better yet, don't have any friends to begin with! But if you must, separate from them so that you are less intimidating. No man wants approach you when you are "protected" by a herd of other women. Especially if your friends are large, cud-chewing and work at the rodeo.

A Great Attitude is Contagious!

Just like that cold sore on your lip!

Act like you are happy and cheerful! If you have to... fake it! (This is a skill that will serve you well in other areas of the relationship, too!)

Don't let him know you are really a pessimistic grouch who constantly complains about everything. He'll find that out soon enough! You can reveal that once you have him addicted to having sex regularly. Then you can put an end to that charade, too!

Carry Something to Get You Noticed!

If you want a man to approach you, be sure to wear or carry something that is eye-catching and noticeable to you... a flirting prop. A good book, funky earrings or an unusual hat are good flirting props. A severed finger isn't... unless the male attention you're looking for is police questioning.

Give Clear Signals!

Men are notoriously bad at interpreting signals from women. You may think that doing subtle things like playing with your hair or lightly touching his arm would give him the hint. But men are not subtle creatures.

So be direct: Look him in the eye, smile, and squeeze your boobs while mouthing "I want you." If that doesn't work, ask for his phone number. Then get together with your girlfriends and call him, giggle, then quickly hang-up. Do this about 14 times.

Check Your Voice!

Men prefer a soft soothing voice to a high-pitched squeal. But more importantly, are you using your voice to complain about your co-workers or to tell him how much you admire the large size of his genitals?

NOTE: Your voice can sound about as pleasant as fingernails on a chalkboard if you compliment his cockershnockel.

Ask him what he enjoys doing!

Men are much more activity-orientated whereas women like to talk about emotions. You may enjoy connecting with friends, while he may enjoy doing your friends.

Be Interesting by being Interested

Cut down the talk about yourself. For example, you may tell him your name. Men can't stand this kind of incessant personal chatter. If you must communicate a concept, take a cue from the deaf community: grunt and gesture at your vagina.

NOTE TO DEAF CHICKS: Just kidding!

NOTE TO HOT DEAF CHICKS: I wouldn't mind if you grunted at me, baby!

NOTE TO ANGRY HOT DEAF CHICKS: Hey! That finger is NOT officially recognized as American Sign Language!

If you give out your number, give the genuine one!

Imagine what it must feel like plucking up the courage to dial a woman's number only to find it is the local Chinese Carryout. Unless you work in a Chinese Carryout. In that case give him the number of another Chinese Carryout.

Be yourself!

Only better looking and less needy. Actually, be more like your one hot friend.

Flirting Tips for Men:

Know what you want and what is reasonable to expect!

Some men flirt with women primarily to get sex. You want to learn from these men. Because it looks like you flirt primarily to go home alone and play computer games.

Make sure you're clean!

It is a scientific fact that a woman's sense of smell is much stronger than a man's. For this reason it is vital that your wash yourself thoroughly and clench your butt cheeks together while in the 69 position.

Quick smell check: Before leaving for your date, get naked and spread your legs in front of a fan. If you are knocked out by the stink of your balls, it is best to shower upon regaining consciousness.

When you buy a woman a drink, that is all you are buying!

Don't expect her to fall at your feet. Unless you plan ahead! Ask your doctor if Rohypnol is right for you!

Concentrate on the Conversation!

Most women want to know what kind of person they are going out with. Please note that conversation does not typically emit from cleavage.

Give Genuine Compliments!

There's nothing worse than someone giving out a load of B.S. lines, try something honest:

"You are in great shape! It's almost distracting me from that cratered round moon you call a face."

"I bet you're the friend with the personality, am I right?"

"I am very attracted to your low self-esteem because I will totally be able to get away with treating you like crap."

"Your outfit looks great! I had no idea they made such nice clothes in plus sizes!"

Keep your hands to yourself!

Be patient, Mr. Touchy. You've gone THIS long without touching a woman, what's a few more days?

If you ask for a phone number, be sure you want to use it!

If you don't call the woman, at least have the common decency to graffiti her number in the men's room stall.

Keep Your Self-respect!

There's only 1 thing on a woman's mind... cuddling. Don't cheapen yourself by providing this emotional and sort-of physical bond before you are ready. Make her work for it and she will respect you. Cuddle on the 1st date and you can assure yourself that she will treat you like a cuddle-buddy. YOU may want something more, but she will only phone you when she wants a late-night cuddle-call.

Trust Your Instincts!

Remember that scene in Star Wars where Luke Skywalker is flying down the exhaust port of the Deathstar trying to blow it up with his Proton Torpedoes, when he hears Obi-Wan's voice telling to use the Force and trust his instincts? Then he turns off his targeting computer and scores a direct hit!!

You do remember that? Because that perfectly illustrates why you can't get a date!

Now remember that girl who said "Get Lost Nerd!" in the Flirting Tips for Women? Well, she still wants you to get lost.

Get Involved!

You'll see lots of flyers at the gym for running groups, paint-ball weekends and white-water rafting. Give them a try! Most of the people participating in these activities are just like you – lonely, lonely dudes.

Be yourself!