Fox News recently ran a report on the full frontal nudity and explicit sex in Mass Effect, a game with no full frontal nudity or explicit sex. The game, as their "expert" admitted after the fact, is somewhat less sexy than Desperate Housewives and somewhat more sexy than Boohbah.

Oh, come on, Auntie is smoking hot.



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But the important thing about the Mass Effect controversy, a controversy that was more engineered than the Hoover Dam, is that many of the people involved in criticizing the game are more famous now than they were before. That's something I can get behind.

So Fox, if you're reading, here are a number of other videogames with explicit sex scenes and/or other unsavory elements, or so I'd be glad to claim on your network. At the slightest provocation, I will appear on your program and repeatedly interrupt other people in order to describe the innocence-devouring depravity of these amoral games, each of which can be purchased from gum machines by 3-year-olds.

Katamari Damacy

First of all, the King of All Cosmos has a very disturbing crotch. He's got these tights on and his externals are just wadded up in there like a week's worth of laundry. Dude just flaunts it, too. Just, just ... puts it out there. I think it has its own Flickr account. Also, "Katamari Damacy" translates roughly to "Let Us Each Have Orifice Penetration Nightly."

Super Mario Galaxy

If you bring Rosalina enough "fuel," she tells you "stories," helps you learn new "techniques" and eventually invites you into her bedroom to "look at the stars," all while you're shaking your Wiimote at regular intervals. Get it? No? Well, there's also an explicit sex scene involving Mario and a Koopa Troopa.

Rock Band

I hardly need to explain the epidemic deviancy behind rock 'n' roll music. The Guitar Hero games were bad enough, but adding drums to the equation means that if you give this to your child, you may as well include a note saying, "Please have casual sex in alleyways while doing lines of ecstasy with a liberal arts major." In addition, you can play it while naked.

Geometry Wars

Geometry is math. Math leads to science. Science leads to lies. Thus, Geometry Wars directly indoctrinates our children into the evolutionary lie that we're all descended from homosexual monkeys. Naked homosexual monkeys. We recommend instead the game Intelligent Design Wars, which is just like Geometry Wars, except that the credits read, "We don't know who made this. (But it was probably God.)"

Endless Ocean

This game is nothing less than a drug-trip simulator, immersing you in an "ocean" of pharmaceutical stimulation where you view such long-standing symbols of drug culture as dolphins, humpback whales and bowmouth guitarfish. The only goal of the game, according to what I'm told is the instruction manual, is "to get so completely high you're pretty sure you're the Duchess of Plenitentiary and the table lamp is your consort, Gary."

Duke Nukem Forever

This game is not yet out, and has been in development for 10 years. What's been taking so long? The developers are waiting for society to degrade to the point where the many explicit, graphic and close-up sex scenes are considered acceptable to sell to teenagers and schoolmarms. As each year passes, they refine the graphics, making them more glistening and explicit, mapping out each individual bump on each stimulated areola. Given that you can't boycott it yet, I suggest you pre-order it now so you can not pick it up when it gets released, although if there's a Democrat in the White House it will probably be included in school lunches along with the skim milk.

Boohbah Wiggle & Giggle

Oh man. Auntie. She's ... I don't think kids should be looking at this. Or adults. Except me.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a prude, a prig and a pram.

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