The Cleveland Browns are an obsession across Northeast Ohio and like any harmful addiction the fans have developed a lot of habits. Each seven-day stretch tends to be cyclical for the faithful followers of these Browns, all of which is encapsulated it into a “typical” week.

Monday

If the Browns win, Monday is just the greatest day. Les Levine recently told me that restaurants do better on Mondays after a win. I’m unsure if he was being completely serious, but judging from my own life, it’s not worth further exploration to check for accuracy.

The feeling is overwhelming because on that day the only conclusion is that the Browns are winners, they’re headed in the right direction, and they’ve just proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that on “any given Sunday” they can win a football game! It’s simple, really. Just make a few plays more than the other team and voila: Contract extensions and happiness for everyone! Quarterback du jour is at least good enough for our near future and someone we can count on right now. Yay!

And if the Browns somehow manage to beat the Steelers, you can forget about it. This day will take a huge productivity hit at workplaces across Northeast Ohio as we pass around memes about Stiller fans.

If the Browns lost, well this is a hangover day and we’re not talking about the lingering effects of a sub-zero Muni Lot tailgate. We’re contemplating our entire lives that revolve around watching Browns games on Sundays. What if we just took up competitive backgammon instead? We would be happier and could win money to boot. We’ve wasted our lives!

There’s surely some controversy out of the game as well, whether it’s a star player not being able to suit up or the “wrong” quarterback chosen to throw incompletions that we ourselves could throw if given the chance. Never mind that there has been no such thing as the “right” quarterback since Bernie Kosar played and even then Bill Belichick would like a word with you.

We also tend to take more notice of what former players, coaches and coordinators are doing in other cities and bemoaning the fact that they’re not here anymore—hey, look: Jabaal Sheard’s doing well in New England! We’re talking about the overall culture of the team and lamenting that it’s broken from the top down. I mean it probably is, but this day is now as fatalistic as it can possibly be.

Tuesday

Tuesday is when the first bits of logic start to creep in for Browns fans. And by “logic,” I mean that we figure out how to turn wins into losses and losses into wins.

For losses, it’s “If the Browns can just clean up some of the penalties, learn how to tackle a bit better they can win.” Sure there’s been no evidence that the Browns can do any of the things they need to do to win these games, but we’re dreaming them up anyway. Also, we could be justifying a loss to Jacksonville because despite the fact they’re not good, “it was just a bad match-up in terms of styles.”

For the wins, it’s “If the Browns hadn’t gotten lucky that the other team committed that boneheaded turnover,” or “found lightning in a bottle with that one skill position player, the Browns could have easily have lost.” Rather than giving the Browns credit for stepping up and making their own luck by making plays, we start to doubt that whatever happened is completely sustainable. “Now that the Browns put it on tape, I’m sure opposing coaches will find a way to stop it.”

As Browns fans, our reality never lives in the middle ground; it’s always taking up residence at one of the extremes.

By the way: On Tuesday you can officially cancel both the firings and contract extensions that you were convinced were necessary on Monday morning. On Tuesday we’ve decided what the Browns really need is continuity and more time. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” is what we’ve said to each other for the better part of two decades.

Wednesday

We start to think about the next week’s opponent which could go one of two ways:

If we respect the opponent, we look at what they’ve done recently and hope for the best. We look at ways the Browns can shock the world. Mangini’s games against big teams like the Saints and the Pats or Romeo Crennel’s big win over the Giants on “National Tee Vee” will invariably be brought up as the gold standard for potential Cleveland Browns underdog victories. If we don’t respect the opponent, we look at box scores from said opponents last three games and decide, without watching a stitch of film, that this quarterback is “prone to interceptions,” or this running back has “lost a step.” No matter that running backs seem to have found extra steps against the Browns in the past. The offensive line? They are banged up and prone to get eaten alive by the Browns pass rush.

Maybe (probably) the Browns haven’t had the ability to do the thing they’ll need to do to beat this team whether it’s a vertical passing attack or running the ball or sacking the quarterback, but we’ll convince ourselves that for just this one week the Browns will be able to do it against “these guys.”

Pay no attention to the Vegas line that says the Browns are seven-point underdogs … at home.

Thursday – Friday

These are the closest things to days off unless something breaks from the team “off the field.” Eric Wright had his car crash on a Thursday night after attending a JAY Z concert. Justin Gilbert’s “road rage” incident was on a Friday as was Johnny Manziel’s dust-up with an overzealous fan that tried to give him a hug outside the elevators at The 9.

These are the two days when we start hearing faint rumors about injuries. It’s also the day when the guys have been back in the community after the game long enough that you start to hear rumors about different players because “my cousin’s kid plays soccer with the dude’s kid and he was holding his arm weird.” (Can you believe his kid plays soccer?)

The team starts some misdirection rumors about their gameplan that might include a “package” of plays for a quarterback who’s definitely not going to end up playing on Sunday. We dream that these planted bits of information keep opposing teams up at night, but they really couldn’t possibly.

Good news! We think the Browns have a chance. Once we’ve filtered all the insanity — good or bad — for the week, we’re back to the idea that on “any given Sunday” and given the right game plan, the Cleveland Browns can find themselves on the winning side of the equation. We lie to ourselves about the aforementioned Vegas odds or that the injury report is telling us that a former practice squad QB is moving to the head of the depth chart for the week. Visions of “Tom Brady was a sixth-round pick filling in for Drew Bledsoe” will dance in our heads.

Saturday

“You know, the Browns should draft all the Ohio State Buckeyes!”

“You know who the Browns should interview to coach the team? Urban Meyer and Jim Tressel!”

Sunday

You know the drill. We eat, drink, spend time with family and otherwise lap up the traditions surrounding the Cleveland Browns. You complain about your aunt who always brings the same bean dip and then you find yourself glopping some onto your chips just the same. Mom has to spend the fourth quarter reading a book in a different room because she’s “unlucky.” Really she’s bored by that point and is happy to do anything else. Your brother really takes this whole thing too seriously and “one of these days” he’s going to break a bone when he kicks the furniture.

The team may win and more likely than not it will lose, but it’s a self-reflexive exercise just the same. We are the team. The team is us. It is an inextricable part of our lives and we repeat it until we die.

Is it fair game to start talking about the draft yet?

Go Browns.