All hot chicks love Taco Bell. It’s a fact. I know, I know. It flies in the face of all logic. Other than maybe KFC, I can't think of a fast food joint that's more disgustingly terrible for you. It looks gross, smells gross, is gross. But without fail, any time I'm leaving a party/club/bar with one or more cute girls, it is demanded that I drive through Taco Bell (they have to be drunk of course, otherwise their weight phobias would prevent them from indulging). If my caluclations are correct, drunken hot girls make up around 61% of Taco Bell's late night drive thru clientele. When I was in Europe, the girls I was with nearly drove me crazy every night asking our poor cabbies if he could drive through Taco Bell. They just couldn’t accept that there was actually a place in the civilized world that didn't have any. Then they’d start wistfully talking about cheesy burritos, Mexican pizzas, and beef gorditas like a bunch of stoned frat kids. It would’ve been creepy if it weren’t so bizarre (and simultaneously hot). I’ve always found really hot girls pigging out kind of adorable, like the end of Footloose where all the kids who’ve never danced before suddenly freak out on the dance floor. But it doesn’t work for me with Taco Bell. It’s like watching someone wax their Porsche with steel wool.

I just want to slap it out of their hands, “It hurts me when you do this to yourself!” What's extra weird is that the over-weight girls I know don’t adore Taco Bell. In fact, most seem to hate it. Whoever started Taco Bell must be a mad scientist. He planned this all along. Like a character in some cheesy 80's sex comedy, Mr. Bell must have created a special drug he puts in the "food" that, when combined with alcohol, makes sexy ladies ravenous for his heinous product. I’m telling you, you want to get a group of hot girls back to your place when the bar closes? Just have a sack of chalupas on hand and leave a trail of sour cream leading to your car.