



Spain, the country your slightly better off neighbours go to die. It has been in the news lately as the media have taken a diplomatic disagreement over Gibraltar and exaggerated it to the fact that war is possible between two NATO members. Ridiculous you say; but a country with three jobs available surely must find some way to alleviate boredom.

As anyone in the British government with enough brain cells to season a cannibal's soup will tell you...war with Spain is not going to happen, but what if it does? With everyone saying it's ridiculous to imagine I would conclude that no one high ranking in the British military has planned for such an eventuality. Someone has to...

So I've taken the liberty of writing a first strike plan. I thought it would be wise to present it here on my blog before I actually send it to Theresa May.





There are many great advantages that can used in an Anglo-Spanish war to advance the cause of the British army, I am going to highlight these so the army finds it easier.





Firstly, for some reason Spanish life is exhausting and to combat this the Spain ish people need to drift into slumber in the early afternoon. As any military historian will tell you; armed forces that are awake perform far better than those that are asleep. Any British attack should take part in the early afternoon for a decisive advantage.

Each year in late August in the Spanish town of Buñol a tomato throwing festival takes place. This is ripe for exploitation, as any greengrocer will tell you; a lemon is a far more harder fruit than a tomato. A lemon also has the advantage of being similar in size to the tomato, and easily painted red. The British army is also far more likely to of seen the highly educational video: self defence against fruit by Monty Python. Although it should be noted this video may not protect you against tomatoes, it completely depends on which brilliant philosophers are right.





The secret to a successful war is dividing the enemy, now there are two main separatist causes in Spain, the Catalonians and the Basque people. Both of these regions have high support for seceding from the Spanish nation and becoming independent nations. Unfortunately both are as a majority committed to gaining independence by peaceful means, so that rules them out. on the other hand there is a minority in Spain that has been persecuted for centuries in the most barbaric fashion, of course I speak of the bulls. The bulls are an ally the British will want to secure the support of, they are famous first wave fighters with a second to none charge attack. With the support of the bulls it is hard to see how the British could lose.





As a defensive measure for Gibraltar we should cover the land border it shares with Spain with banana peels. As any Looney Tunes animator will tell you; discarded banana peels are slippery. No one will notice the build up of bananas on the international border. This is because Gibraltar has Europe's only wild primates who we all know have a fondness for bananas.

To summarise if war with Spain is inevitable then the British strategy should be to defensively cover the border with banana peels, secure the support of the bulls and attack the town of Buñol while the tomato throwing festival is ongoing. The attack should be in the early hours of the afternoon with the army armed with baskets of lemons painted red.





I will stop posting on this blog when I inevitably recieve a job offer from the Ministry of Defence.