PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet, stress-free flight home,” said the 8-year-old waterfowl, lamenting his experiences sharing a pond with, “like, 500 tired and stressed-out geese” during his return trip to Wisconsin last mating season. “If I get a decent head start, I won’t have to deal with the big flocks and all the endless damn honking. Last year, the stopover sites were so crowded that no one could find a decent place to shit before the flight took back off—everyone had to take a dump in the air, and when you’re the last guy in the big V, well, that’s just no way to live.” Complicating the goose’s travel plans was the realization that he would be “monumentally bored” after arriving in Wisconsin early and spending idle days with his parents.

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