First off, we’d love to thank Chris from Weber Shandwick for bringing this to our attention. He probably figured it would be a “good fit” for our website, and he may well have been inadvertently correct. He reached out to Chuck with the following exciting information:

As the proud hotel sponsor of the SEC, the Holiday Inn Express brand drafted ESPN personalities Jesse Palmer, Maria Taylor and Jordan Rodgers went head-to-head in the READIEST Breakfast Challenge, creating their ultimate breakfast sandwich using ONLY items from the brand’s Express Start breakfast bar. In the end, it was Jordan Rodgers who stole the judges’ affection with “The 7-on-7,” an on-trend seven-layer stack of syrupy breakfast goodness. Want to see a play-by-play of the competition? Watch the full READIEST Breakfast Challenge video HERE. As challenge champ, Jordan Rodgers is sharing a 15% off rate for fans across the country to use when booking a stay at any Holiday Inn Express property this fall. (After all, there’s one in EVERY SEC college town…)

Hey, pretty cool, huh? A bunch of super-fit beautiful people shoveling starch and cholesterol into their polished teethholes. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? Watch that:

This is the way it works, folks: 95% of the time promotional emails are monotonous, tiresome, unoriginal desperate pleas to regurgitate obscure and almost instantly-obsolete #CONTENT to feed the ever-thirsty maw of the pageview machine. This one was so...different. So outlandish in its orchestration. So absolutely incredibly choreographed for such a meaningless stunt that we had to dig a bit deeper. Of course, Chuck immediately had brief bouts of existential panic.

We did something as a society along the way that steered us onto a path of eventually thinking that this was a thing to be done. Everything about this email makes me question human intelligence, the effect of capitalism on the species as a whole, and why God isn’t as into floods as he used to be.

It’s OK. Relax, Chuck. I’ll try to unpack this and keep it lighter than the mounds of syrup-drenched batter and protien amalgamations the superstars briefly put in their mouths for the cameras before politely spitting it into their napkins and fasting for the remainder of the day. (Notice that Pollack wasn’t even invited: the mere particles of refined sugar and bleached flour floating in the ambient air would combine to increase his daily carb intake tenfold, so he stayed very far away.) JUST KIDDING! None of these people would ever eat this food, at least not on camera.

Time to analyze some film. Naturally, the emcee is Paul Finebaum.

PAWL of course will not be eating either, because a) he has already had his breakfast of Phendametrazine and decaf soy pumpin spice latte, and b) the remainder his diet consists of precisely one raw beet each night at 11 p.m.

Here we are: the three contestants getting the run-down from PAWL (NICE SHOES PAWWL) in front of the three judges who are presumably Holiday Inn employees who aren’t being compensated for this perk.

Here’s the “2 scoops” if you will (sorry not sorry): each contestant must compile the largest imaginable amalgamation of warmed-over Holiday Inn breakfast buffet foods into the most impractical and unwieldy shape possible. Surprise: they are all super-confident that they will win.

Amazing. Contestants are out there spreading butter on limp waffles and cutting muffins like they’re in Iron Chef America. ARN SHEF CHAIRMUN PAWL can’t wait to grade you on authenticity, contestants.

If you were wondering, that’s former Gator QB and Bachelor contestant Jesse sprinking Cap’n Crunch on his blob of greasy sweetfood.

BREAKFAST AU PALMIERE. Jesse basically cut a cinnamon roll in half and made his own McDonald’s sandwich. Good god, how did this take him 2 minutes? He called it the “Quarterback Slider.” WE GET IT, JESSE. YOU PLAYED QB EARLIER THIS CENTURY.

Ah yes, Maria thought beyond a 3rd-grade level and actually made a double-decker breakfast taco using pancakes instead of tortillas. A “Paco” if you will. Not bad at all.

Aaaand Jordan Rodgers obviously won because he threw all constraint to the wind and just assembled every salty, sweet, gooey, meaty, doughy part of that buffet into one modernist sculpture of flavor. This is the breakfast plate your mother would roll her eyes at and shake her head when you returned from the buffet unsupervised at age 9. But you know that underneath there was a trace of pride. Oh, and like a 9 year-old he named it the “Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich.”

We know it was not rigged at all because everyone was very surprised.

But what does this mean for ME, the consumer of breakfasts and also possibly Holiday Inn Express promotions?

Well, glad you asked. From Holiday Inn Express themselves:

In honor of his history-making breakfast victory, Rodgers is inviting fans to create their own winning breakfast sandwich at Holiday Inn Express hotels nationwide with 15%* off stays booked by Dec. 1, 2018. To BE THE READIEST for the next away game, fans can book by visiting holidayinnexpress.com/readiestbreakfastchallenge. *Terms apply. The READIEST fans will also have the chance to meet Rodgers at the Holiday Inn Express brand’s experiential activation at SEC FanFare in Atlanta on Dec. 1, 2018 ahead of the SEC Championship Game. For the latest BE THE READIEST campaign updates, consumers can visit holidayinnexpress.com, as well as the Holiday Inn Express brand’s Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube pages.

Ghandi. Mother Teresa. Jordan Rodgers. These are truly people dedicated to leading selfless lives that raise others up.

Thank you, Holiday Inn Express, for the delightful breakfast content. And if you’re out there on that lonely highway jonesing for a hell of a breakfast opportunity, hit up that Jordan Rodgers promo code. LIVE YOUR READIEST LIFE.