WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation’s capital, Donald Trump on Saturday secured a note from a podiatrist exempting him from impeachment.

The note, written by Trump’s personal podiatrist, Dr. Harland Dorrinson, said that the strain of undergoing impeachment could “catastrophically inflame” a foot malady that has bedevilled Trump since the nineteen-sixties.

While the doctor’s note drew howls of protests from congressional Democrats, the Attorney General, William Barr, supported excusing Trump from impeachment on humanitarian grounds.

“Given the seriousness of the President’s ailment, impeachment is cruel and unusual punishment and therefore unconstitutional,” Barr said, adding that the Department of Justice would investigate Representative Adam Schiff and the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, for “crimes against feet.”

Another prominent Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, vouched for the fragile state of Trump’s health. “I have spent many hours with President Trump,” Graham said. “He is not a well man.”