LAS VEGAS—In what was apparently the biggest event of their season, sources confirmed Tuesday that some fucking UFC 225 or 134 thing reportedly happened last weekend.


The fight, which took place in Vegas or whatever city sanctions these things, reportedly featured someone named Silva and probably another guy named Ortiz or Muto. Several commercials airing on ESPN and Spike promoted the event as a “showdown” as well as a “revenge match,” suggesting that at some point these guys had done this thing with each other before.

Reports indicate UFC 254 or 178 or some shit like that was available for $60 on one of those pay-per-view channels and that a friend had a bunch of the guys over to watch it at his place.


“As President of UFC, I was very pleased to see another memorable fight,” said the large bald man wearing a tight black T-shirt during the televised press conference following the match. “It certainly lived up to the hype.”

According to sources, this was the latest UFC numbered bout, which either followed UFC 184 or Fight Night 34 or 221 or whatever fucking number they’re at now. Reports remain unclear whether this is the same thing as the MMA, which is reportedly becoming the most popular sport or something.


Eyewitnesses reported that comedian Joe Rogan, who apparently has been really involved with this stuff since whenever it began, provided color commentary for the fight alongside some other guy.

“It was a tough match,” said one of the fighters, who is some sort of wrestler or does tae kwon do or whatever they do in Kickboxer, adding that he had tremendous respect for his opponent, whomever the hell that was. “Not a lot of people gave me a chance, but I proved them wrong.”


Witnesses reported that the men fought each other in some kind of cage-like arena, which sources confirmed is probably referred to as “The Octagon.” Both men were allowed to bring four guys in jeans and T-shirts to hang over the sides of the ring’s fence, as these men ostensibly coached them on how to do whatever it is that they do.

At several points in the UFC 190 or UFC something-fucking-else, the men were standing, but at other times they were doing stuff while sliding around on the ground, but then later they were standing again, sources confirmed. One of the fighters did something good, but could not do it enough to get the other guy to do the take-out or submission or whatever the fuck it’s called. According to witnesses, both men eventually grappled onto one another and didn’t really move for a while.


Moments into the second round, one of the men sprinted toward the other and plowed into his opponent’s chest, which is reportedly how they earn points or something.

“Silva went fucking crazy,” said one UFC fan, likely referring to when one guy wrapped his leg around the other guy’s chest before twisting his arm behind his neck in what is probably called a triangle or choke-bar or The Katonga. “I knew he had him when he did his [weird trademark move that he must have learned after spending a year in Manila or someplace like that working with the guy who first came up with it].”


Sources report that after that, one of the guys did this move that switched things around and then the other guy was getting pounded.

According to witnesses, the fight ended after seven minutes, which may or may not be how long these things are supposed to last. The match was reportedly stopped by the referee, who apparently possessed some set of criteria for determining when one of the fighters had been beaten badly enough.


While all of their matches are called Ultimate Fighting Championship, sources clarified that this one was, in fact, believed to be for some sort of championship, noting that the winner was given a belt to hoist. The loser bled profusely from his head while curled up in one of the corners, but reports indicate that type of thing is not unusual.

At press time, UFC continued to have an estimated value of over $2 billion.