There’s a common thread in /r/faimprovement about confidence. How to get confidence. What really constitutes true confidence. Etc. As a man who has been on both ends of the spectrum — no confidence vs. tons of confidence, I want to describe how your thought patterns, identity, and mindset change over time as one gains confidence. In essence, what it is like walking around in your daily life as if you were the most confident man you could be.

You called up a buddy of yours and you want to hang out at the local pub. The two of you head there and sit at the far end of the bar, chatting away. You’re hunched over your Miller Lite while discussing the New York Islanders chance of making the playoffs. You’re talking about sports, but your real focus has been on these two cute girls at the other end of the bar. It’s been a long time since you’ve had a girlfriend. Maybe ever. You look back at your friend. He’s laughing, enjoying himself. He has a girlfriend and knows you’ve been single for a long time. He notices your not so subtle look at the two girls. He wants to help you out so he tells you to go and approach them. He’ll wing for you.

Nah, I’m good man. Not even attracted to those girls anyway.

That’s your excuse because you don’t want to look like a wuss in front of your friend. What really went through your mind was something like this. “Those girls are way too pretty. I mean, there’s no way they would even want to talk to a guy like me. I wouldn’t even know what to say anyway. Getting rejected would be so embarrassing. Best not to make a move at all.” By the way, your friend knows you are full of shit.

That is a thought pattern of a man with low confidence. You looked at a girl — and based purely on looks alone, determined that you are not worthy of her. That you are so below her that she wouldn’t even want to say hello. This is painful. It actually hurts you physically to see an attractive girl and not make a move. It hits you deep on a core level because you feel you aren’t a real man if you can’t do something as simple as going up to a girl and introducing yourself. Every hot girl in the room is like a pin prick on your brain. If only you could muster the courage to talk to one. You don’t though because of your constant self-loathing.

A man with low confidence walks into a room and worries about his environment. The music is too loud. This isn’t my kind of dancing. The lighting isn’t right here. There’s a crappy guy-to-girl ratio. The DJ isn’t playing good music. The alcohol is too expensive. These are all excuses a man with low confidence may use on a frequent basis.

This is a comment from a user who is considering going to dance class.

I’m worried i’m a terrible dancer so there is no way i’d just be able to go and start asking people to dance.

This nicely sums up the entire mindset of a man with low confidence. It’s a simple statement, but when you dissect it, it says so much more. It’s saying:

I’m afraid to fail

I’m afraid to take risks

I’m afraid to go out of my comfort zone and learn something new

The way people perceive me is more important than my personal growth

A man with confidence never has these thought patterns. In other words, it doesn’t even enter his mind as a possibility. A man with high confidence who sucks at dancing just as much as that user who posted above would have no problem taking the dance class. The fact that he wouldn’t take a dance class because others might laugh at him for not being good dancer does not even occur to him. Others can laugh and make fun of him all they want and he has no fucks to give what-so-ever. And why should he? He knows who he is at a core level and nothing can break him.

Low confidence men are easily shaken, dismayed, and only see the negative aspects of a situation. High confidence men do the opposite. Here’s another example: Let’s say you study in the same study room in your dorm hall every night. It’s a Friday night, and you aren’t going out. Instead you’re working on your latest project. The hottest girl in the dormitory whom you were too afraid to look in the eye and say a single word walks by the doorway, stops and says, “Do you ever go out or do you just live in this room and study all the time?”

You can take this two ways. First — you are being put down, made fun of, and laughed at. You are now embarrassed, feel shame, and self loathing. Again, you are not good enough. So much so that the prettiest girl in the whole dorm had to stop and make fun of you for it. Your life sucks. Fuck everything. Go back to your room and cry. Or two — the hottest girl in the dormitory has been taking notice of you for weeks now. She actually stopped wherever she was going to find some excuse to talk to you and start a conversation. She is testing you to see how you would react under a statement like that. Do you fold or do you rise to the challenge? Rise to the challenge and say:

Yeah. My friends and I are actually planning on taking over the world and this room will be our headquarters. I would let you join, but I don’t know if you’re cool enough. By the way, I’m Shakedown. What’s your name?”

With one statement by the same girl, a man with low confidence took it as an insult and ran away, while the man with high confidence took it as an invitation to talk.

A confident man can walk into any environment and be okay. It may not be playing his favorite music, and it may be too hot or loud, or disgusting. Definitely not his favorite place, but he is okay. He can adjust because nothing fazes him. The fact that he is in an environment that doesn’t necessarily suit him doesn’t mean he shuts down socially.

A man with confidence sees everybody on an equal playing field. Nobody is better nor worse than he. Instead of thinking, “Why would that girl want to talk to me?” and bailing out as a low confidence man would, he thinks, “I want to go learn the back story of this girl. I’m gonna go say hello.” And that’s it. He doesn’t think for 10 minutes about what he could possibly say. He walks over with a clear mind and trusts that he’ll know what to say in that exact moment. Isn’t it obvious who a woman would rather date? Women have a sixth sense about this kind of stuff.

And that’s a key point about the man with confidence. Trust. Trust in one’s self. To know that in whichever situation he is in, he’ll be able to handle it. He can handle anything. And sometimes it doesn’t go the way he wants it to. That’s completely okay too. He remains unaffected at the core strength of who he is.