SPOILER ALERT

Ok, right, so there’s this guy Wade, and he’s like, wisecrackin’ crazy, you know? Like some kind of freaky joke machine on my Cousin Pablo’s special juice. Ok, coo l, back on it, no doubt, ok. So, like, he’s a Superhero who kills dudes, and he fails to kill this real evil guy, who it just so happens knows my second- cousin Diego. Right after he’s out of this tight spot with this dude Wade, who, like, decapitates loads of other dudes and stuff, Diego and this evil guy go soak up the atmosphere at the spot downtown, like, two crazy gangsters checking out sweet chicks and all that. So Diego’s saying, “Hey man, you look like you’ve just come out of some crazy freaky Trash Compactor from Star Wars or something, you look so rough,” and then this evil guy goes, “I know dude, this career looked, like, way better on paper.” The guy leans in closer, and be like, “I heard it through my pals that you know an address for that Merc like inverted Spidey and all that.” So Diego says, “lies dude, but hey, my Lawyer Pep might have the know how you need.” This crazy evil guy goes to see Pep, who’s in like, his huge wig and stuff, which is funny because I know a chick who has hair like that who used to date my Sister’s ex Rico, and they were happy for a while but it eventually, like, broke down. Ok, back to the story, totally. So anyway, the evil dude puts on his act, all charming like, and gets the know-how and stuff, you know?

Little did Diego know that by telling this evil guy to go to Pep for intel and stuff about where Wade lives, that it would end up with Wade’s crazy hot GF getting shot by accident. Wait, like, already? That escalated more quickly than like, Pablo’s arrest. Wade was going to, like, open up the baby factory with her, you know, so it makes him real mad super fast, and he goes, “Aaaargh.” So then he blows himself up…. What? Am I, like, watching this right? Is he – oh yeah, crazy healing powers, right, I know, cool. So anyway, next up is a Celine Dion song title sequence, like, Bond style. I was at a Celine Concert back in 2006, and it changed me. When she sang the Titanic Song, I was like, never letting go, it was delightful. Oh right, back on topic, yeah, terrific.

So there’s this guy from the future, who’s like, got this fine metal arm, and he’s really gruff and serious and carries a Teddy Bear with him everywhere. His family just got, like, fried, and he’s gonna travel back in time to sort it all out by killing the dude who’s turned them to ash. Damn, this film is so dark when put to page.

Anyway, so like, Wade is taken to the X-Mansion by Shiny Arnie from the first film, and he’s like, “Yo, dude, you should totally become, like, an X-Man.” But Wade’s just like, “Meh, zip it bro.” So then, he like, rides around the X-Mansion in Patrick Stewarts favourite chair. And there’s definitely not any cameos, you know? So Shiny Arnie and NTW, they take Wade out on a mission with them after he has this creepy dead GF vision, which, like, tells him to find his heart and some other generic stuff. They meet this Crazy Kiwi kid, and he says, “back off or I’ll test if like, you came in flammable clothing or whatever.” My Great Grandpa Paco, he made the grave mistake of keeping a load of Gasoline canisters under his house – real crazy error in judgement, you know? As I was saying, things don’t go to plan, and because Wade kills the creeps who raised the Kiwi Kid, he and Wade have to go to like, a prison. Wade get’s super unhappy, like I did at the end of Lost. Ok, back on topic, got it, 100%, I’m back.

They go to prison, and Kiwi Kid’s like, “dude, we should be Prison brothers, right?” But Wade just says “No man, I want to die and, like, go see my crazy hot GF you know?” They get beat up by this black guy, despite Kiwi Kid hiding a lethal weapon in his ‘prison wallet,’ know what I’m saying? Pablo told me a, like, crazy freaky story about… yeah, back on topic, got it, no doubt. Kiwi Kid makes pals with this guy we’ll call Foreshadowing, so that’s like, probably real significant going forwards. But then, that crazy Future dude busts in, and he’s like, “‘sup man, I’m here for that kid you’re hanging with, and it’s like, super important, killing type stuff, get my drift?” But Wade says, “zip it Thanos, you silver Fox.” So they fight, and, like, beat each other up and some cool Superhero stuff and all that. Wade falls off like, a cliff, and has another crazy dead GF dream.

This inspires Wade, to like, go save this Kid when his next prison transit happens from this crazy Future dude who wants to kill him. I had a similar experience with Taylor Swift when I listened to her Shake it Off album, you know? it changed me like Celine. He and the Comic Relief start an auditioning process for this cool Super team. Like the Avengers, but on a mediocre budget. There’s Terry from the 9-9, Pennywise, a douchebag, this Lucky Chick and Invisible Brad Pitt, as well as a man who like, needs no cool nickname: Peter. This scrawny Indian guy get’s real mad, crazy-hulking-out kind of mad, because he’d wanted to, like, also join.

So they’re gonna jump from some crazy heights to reach the transit, on a terrible day for winds. Peter’s saying, “yo man, these winds are freaky dangerous, dude,” but Wade just goes, “Chill it bro, we’ll be fine man.” They jump, and it’s like, all AC/DC playing, and crazy awesome, like Robocop awesome. So Terry lands and – OH HOT DAMN, HE’S DEAD! OK, OK, Shatterstar’s landing, and he’s like, coming in close to the – SWEET MOTHER OF PACO, HE’S SHREDDED! Vanisher, he’ll be fine, you can’t even – NOOOO! Yes, Peter, the Man himself, like, stuff of legend you know? Wait… Don’t help him Pe- WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM FROM US MAN???

Damn. That escalated like, quickly.

So, there’s only Wade and this Lucky Chick left, so they, like have to fight off this crazy Future dude. It gets insane, you know? He jumps over this car like my friend’s cousin’s mother’s sister Morena High jumped for Mexico at the Olympics, in the olden days. I respect that, like, this dude means business. Ok, back on track, got it, no doubt. So he’s like, “man, there’s nothing I can’t kill,” but Wade and this Lucky Chick be like, “dude, take a hike to like, under this transit.” The crazy future dude shoots Wade loads, but he gets over it, you know? It’s real intense, and eventually Kiwi Kid releases that guy we called Foreshadowing, you ‘member? You ‘member. This like, crashes the truck, but fortunately the Lucky Chick lands in a Panda, and the other dudes survive too. It turns out that Foreshadowing is actually this crazy shredded guy in this cool helmet, like I mean shredded. He leaves with Kiwi Kid to go kill the creeps who raised him, real psycho stuff, you know? Before he does, he tears apart Wade, like my cousin Pablo tears apart all his restraining orders. Lucky Chick backpacks him home, crazy stuff.

So Wade is consoled by this Blind lady, who’s on drugs and whatever. Everyone comes in, and is, like, horrified by his baby legs and all that junk, ’cause its stupid messed up, you know? They’re like, “man, hide your shame,” but Wade says, “Yo dudes, I’m growing it all back, feeling the breeze, get my drift?” Jeez, that dude should know when there’s, like, too much breeze. Anyway, so the crazy Future dude shows up, and he goes, “I need your help to stop that kid from killing a dude, you in?” And with little to no discussion, they agree, and then like, Wade with his freaky little legs stands up and shakes the crazy Future guy’s hand. It’s messed up.

The scrawny Indian guy goes and picks them up, takes them to the creeps Hospital downtown to stop Kiwi Kid, you know? The crazy Future dude gives Wade, like, no time at all to reason with this kid, like, under a minute impractical kind of time. So they get there, and everybody runs in this sick slow-mo, but then the Shredded guy comes along, and he’s like, “yo, I’m gonna break you guys like you’re made of, like, wool or something, I don’t know man.” Wade goes, “let’s take out this dude guys,” but they get beaten down real bad. Fortunately, Shiny Arnie is there, to like, have a crazy CG battle and all that, so that’s pretty sweet. Meanwhile, the crazy Future dude and Wade execute perverts together, whilst the Lucky Chick saves orphans in like, a school bus.

So they catch up with this Kiwi Kid just as he’s about to, like, you know, kill this other guy. But then there’s some super convenient persuasion and all that from Wade, who sacrifices his life to like, save the crazy Future guy’s family. Wait, hot damn, he ain’t dying if my name ain’t Luis. This is like, more emotional than the time I stole that smoothie machine. Well, it was like, two actually, but one of them was like, broken. That was where most of the emotional punch came from, but still, you know? The pineapple and peach pulse raiser was a delight, like a fine Ros. Ok, back on topic, capital, it’s all good, no doubt. So he takes forever to die, and when he does, he goes to see his dead GF. What an unexpected and emotionally resonant end for the character, one in which he finally finds happiness in the one thing he could never do; die.

Aaannnnddddd he’s back. That was like, super fast. One minute he was dead, and then like, the crazy Future dude time travelled to bring him back. Ok then, that’s all cool. So they’re like, a family now I guess. It would be like, a shame if they resurrected his GF and rendered the whole point of this movie as redundant as my Uncle Pedro.

Oh wait, they did that too.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, you can check out my other Luis summary, for Avengers: Infinity War. I’d appreciate a like, and if you’re hungry for more, let me know the next film you’d like Luis to summarise. 🙂