PHOTOGRAPH BY DANIEL ACKER / BLOOMBERG / GETTY

NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning announcement on the eve of the New Hampshire primary, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that he was dropping out of the Presidential race to focus his energies on tormenting Florida Senator Marco Rubio full-time.

“At the end of the day, running for President was interfering with what I really love, which is making Marco Rubio’s life a living hell,” he said. “Now I can get up every morning and spend all day just doing that.”

Christie said that he had tired of fielding questions about ISIS, immigration, and the economy and having to find some contrived way of answering them with a scathing attack on Rubio. “Don’t get me wrong, I was great at it,” he said. “But it’ll be so much easier to just get out there and start tearing him apart with no pretext whatsoever.”

The New Jersey governor, who plans to bring his message of character assassination to all fifty states, did not indicate how he would finance this mission. “I’ll pay for it myself if I have to,” he said. “If, looking back on my life, I can say that I ground Marco Rubio into the dirt, I will die a happy man.”

Asked what his first stop would be after leaving the campaign trail, Christie said, "I want to reconnect with my family, hug my kids, and tell them what a douche Marco is."