Not only can we not have nice things, we can't have the things that might be nice in the future (Dan Winkler, Eddie Butler), the nice-ish things we get to replace the nice things we though we acquired in the offseason (Jordan Lyles for Brett Anderson) or keep our old, still somewhat nice things (Michael Cuddyer).

Forget nice things. We've moved way beyond nice things. The Rockies just can't have things.

As many had feared with his recent scratch from the lineup, Michael Cuddyer has been placed on the DL according to Thomas Harding at MLB.com. But what I hadn't expected was what came next. .

#Rockies place OF Michael Cuddyer (left shoulder) and RHP Eddie Butler (right rotator cuff inflammation) on 15-day DL, call up ... — Thomas Harding (@harding_at_mlb) June 9, 2014

Dammit.

I'm not sure I can even speak intelligently about the prospect of Eddie Butler being injured. Let's just hope that inflammation is all it is and the 15-day DL stint is all he needs. Let us also say a prayer, or drink a whisky (or both!) for Christian Bergman.

I just can't even...why...why oh lords of injury...why hath thee forsaken us!?

There has been much talk of GMs, coaches, owners, and even team presidents this season, but what the Colorado Rockies need is a cleric, a white mage, a recovery spring, and some of that pizza that the Ninja Turtles used to find lying around in alleyways on the Super Nintendo.

But at least speak shaman or a Jedi, or someone who can talk to Gaia. The Rockies are so injured that they signed Brett Tomko today. Yes, that Brett Tomko. There is no other Brett Tomko. There can be only one.

Source: Brett Tomko to #Rockies on minor league deal. He will report to AAA Colorado Springs. First reported by @RobertMurrayMLB. — Chris Cotillo (@ChrisCotillo) June 9, 2014

But let's gather ourselves a bit. Some will find the designation of Wilton Lopez for assignment a bit of good news (like finding out you were voted best town in Florida right after hearing a hurricane is coming to blow it all away) but still:

#Rockies transactions: Christian Bergman contract selected from AAA, Chad Bettis recalled, Wilton Lopez designated for assignment — Rockies PR (@RockiesPR) June 9, 2014

Also, the outfield should be okay.

The six outfielder strategy that seemed like a disaster early on may be one of the things the Rockies actually got right this season as each of the available replacements for Cuddyer has contributed to wins this so far.

It should also be noted that the major criticism of the Rockies front office in targeting a first baseman rather than counting on Cuddyer to do the job is seeming less and less legitimate. If Morneau was not on this team, this injury would leave the Rockies with some pretty ugly options, including perhaps rushing Kyle Parker.

It's also a good thing the Rockies didn't trade Corey Dickerson, Charlie Blackmon, or Carlos Gonzalez due to the notion of having "extra" outfielders. At least (unlike at third base) the Rockies have some depth in the outfield. Time for Brandon Barnes and Drew Stubbs to step up and Blackmon to find his second wind.

Relief pitcher Chad Bettis has been recalled and hopefully can provide a boost to a bullpen that has been at best lethargic lately.

Bettis has pitched in 11 games since being sent down to Triple-A Colorado Springs. In those games he has a 1.66 ERA and 8.31 K/9. His FIP sits at 3.16 which suggests he is getting some help from his defense but that is still a good number. Since it can be nearly impossible to find deeper numbers on minor league guys I wasn't able to hunt down if this FIP is from inducing a high number of ground balls (a good thing) or fly balls (bad thing) so hopefully it's the former and his trip down I-25 was exactly what the young man needed.

Opponents in AAA were hitting just .153 against Chad Bettis in his 21.2 innings pitched.

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If you or anyone you know is handy with curative magics or restorative healing spells/incantations please have them contact 20th and Blake right away.

If you yourself were blinded/deafened/some other way injured as a youth in a freak toxic/radioactive/for some reason usually animal related accident only develop supernatural powers that allow you to piece together broken people or make them somehow immune for moments at a time, please offer your services to our baseball team instead of using your gift to better mankind and save us all from impending doom.