The beach is a simple place where people go to relax, escape their obligations and have painful, gritty sex under the boardwalk. But bathers are often unprepared for how crowded the beach can be.

Consider the typical beachgoer, whom we'll call "Bill" because his real name is too ethnic. Bill packs his automobile full of supplies and drives to the shore, where he discovers that the lines are too long! In sight of his goal, Bill watches as government officials begin rationing off the sea. Sadly, there is not enough ocean left for him, and a chance for a wonderful memory instead becomes:

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On a good day, the zombies preoccupy the sharks

Our friend Bill went home unbeachified because he hadn't planned accordingly. Don't let this happen to you. Use the easy guide below to get the most out of your trip to the shore. Whether you're a veteran beach dude or a lousy tourist, you will learn how to maximize third-quarter fun revenues and reallocate blue-chip pleasures to key happiness areas. By the time you've squeezed the last drop of joy from your experience, it will make you sick to even look at a beach!