Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it’s difficult to function. It’s the combination of delivery and content, and there’s hardly ever a scene throughout which, I’m not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I’d post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I’ll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Some of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they’re funnier without, so I didn’t include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they’re not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1

“It’s official, I’m a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof.”

“61 million copies at 60 dollars each.”

“I don’t know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof.”

“I know what you’re hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time.”

“Nobles Oblige, yes. Let’s go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!”

“Attention everyone. I’d like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!”

“Yes, I am provocative!”

“Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks.”

“Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat.”

“You’re going to get so much nice nice in that, you’re going to have to grow another ding-.”

“Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats.”

“You’re going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?”

“You can’t sue me, I’m already being sued. Double indemnity!”

Episode 2

“Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am.”

“Liz Lemon! Nemesis.”

“OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?”

“Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.”

“I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn’t a new Star Trek.”

“What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It’s like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars.”

“White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money.”

“Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb.”

“Do you know it’s still illegal to be black in Arizona.”

“If it weren’t for your people I’d still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa.”

“Whatever, you couldn’t last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?”

“OK, I will.”

“Freaky Friday social experiment.”

“Liz, it’s Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you’re already treating me with more respect.”

“You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown.”

“You can’t fix this Liz Lemon, it’s about race. It’s about man and woman. It’s about money. It’s about being on TV. And no one understands all that.”

“Hi strangers, do you think I’m sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle.”

“I’m meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee.”

“Good morning!”

“They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks.”

“Good morning!”

“Jenna and I are doing a social experiment.”

“I haven’t seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads.”

“Uh, how you doing?”

“It’s the way my world is right now.”

“I’ve been hearing, but I haven’t been listening.”

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong.”



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Episode 3

“What’s wrong, Ken. You got wife eyes!”

“Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone.”

“I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It’s like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!”

“So what can I buy you to make you happy?”

“Court? At night? I’m already laughing. Tell me more.”

“So you never got closure with those beloved characters?”

“You ready for your big surprise?”

“Tadah!”

“That’s right, K, and they’re here for you!”

“My boy Ken has written a masterpiece. And trust me, I use that word a lot.”

“I don’t know, Ken, this is bad. I wish this was an episode of Night Court because then there’d be some big joke right now.”

“You have to go through with this wedding, Harry, it means the world to my boy Ken.”

“OK, so you and Markdeline have some bad blood, but it’s bigger than that. My boy Kenneth, is going through some really tough times. They’re trying to make him wear a coat that’s different than his other coat.”

“You won’t regret this, Harry, you look great.”

“It’s happening.”

“A problem that persists, Liz Lemon.”

“I want a different answer, where’s Jack Donaghy.”

“Ken! You did it! You changed her mind!”

“I added that. I went upstairs and I told them if, ‘you don’t bring back the old uniforms, I refuse to play the role of Mac in Unversal’s upcoming Night Court movie.'”

“Are you OK?”

Episode 4

“I don’t want to go home, Ken. You know my two sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman? They’ve been acting really weird lately.”

“Nowhere.”

“Those two have never paid me any attention. And rightly so, I’m a strange man who can’t be taken seriously. Now they won’t let me out of their sight.”

“Nope, look at what the little one made me.”

“This is voodoo, Ken! Those two are up to something.”

“Well, there is all this new money coming in. And it’s not just from the video game. It’s the tie-ins, the toys, the life size Tracy Jordan sex doll that’s selling like hotcakes in Japan!”

“I thought that was just the tagline for my movie, Deathbank.”

“What? Say it! My kids are going to kill me!”

“Hey, guys, daddy’s home. Don’t Menendez me. Ahhhhhhhhh.”

“Or am I?”

“That’s not me, that’s the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because IT’S not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.”

“To use as a decoy. So my greedy children will murder it and I’ll be able to escape un-Menendezed.”

“Or is it. The parallels between the Jordans and the Menendi are uncanny!”

“Both families are rich. Both families have two sons. And both families are staples of court TV.”

“Exactly!”

“You want to get one? I can get you one.”

“It begins.”

“I love you, too, son. Stop it. Stop…patriciding. It’s me. There’s nothing to be freaked out about. That’s just a Japanese sex doll in daddy’s bed. Now you listen. You don’t have to ever worry about me leaving because I’ll always be there to take care of you. And there’s something else. If anything ever happens to me, you, and your brother are going to go to jail.”

“Liz Lemon, look, I’m not dead.”

“Oh, also everything worked out with Jenna’s dad visiting.”

“Oh, you weren’t really around for any of that.”

“I would feel safer with some Saltines.”

“Or am I?”

Episode 5

“You gotta go to your reunion. You get to get back everyone who ever messed with you.”

“You said I’d never amount to anything. Look at me now, look at this necklace.”

“How come there ain’t no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They got every race and lifeform in the galaxy, except for Puerto Ricans. What’s up with that?”

“Because Kenneth got a bigger laugh in the elevator than me today. And where were you two? Your job is to protect me from embarrassment.”

“Making up words won’t save you, ok? We’re going to get on an elevator with Kenneth and you’re going to laugh at my jokes.”

“Hey, elevator, what’s this? A ghetto mating call.”

“Jenna, we’re the most important people here, right?”

“And people around here shouldn’t take attention from us, should they?”

“It’s not the baby, it’s Kenneth.”

“Yeah, he does.”

“That sounds really nice.”

“We have to stop him!”

“This studio hosted the Kraft Television Theater where young writers like Patty Tchaiovsky and Rod Sterling first rose to prominence.”

“It doesn’t feel good when someone does your job, does it?

“I don’t like it when you do jokes in the elevator. That’s my job.”

“[Crying] We’re not really best friends. We’re just good friends. I just want you to stop.”

Episode 6

“Colorful sweaters?”

“[Crying] That kid’s never going to be a doctor. Better buy it a jet ski.”

“And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport.”

“And I’m not going anywhere for Christmas.”

“Nonononononono. I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo-”

“-And shalamsazam to you, too, my sister- We’ll go with you uptown. And remember, Dotcom, you are there to protect ME, and not Liz Lemon.”

“Thanks a lot, I never operated a camera before. I’m serious, that was very helpful.”

“What’s the past tense for scam? Is it scrummed? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrummed.”

“Oh, really? We’re both black, so we must know each other.”

“Hey, Irennnnnnne. Novicki hook you up with this job? Oh, girl, you better stop.”

“Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right.”

“Alright, I’ll call Griz and Dotcom. I’m sure they’re not doing anything.”

“Or Basquiat.”

“Our guest is sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee. Cross to Piano. Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!”

“Liz Lemon, I know you’re going to be all alone on Christmas Day, so if you like, you can spend it with the Jordans.”

“Good, we’ll be over at 2. My kids have a peanut allergy, but my dogs only eat steak.”

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Episode 7

“Give me an example.”

“Jack, you don’t get it. I don’t want to spend so much, I have to. I’m afraid Angie will divorce me if I ever have enough for her to live off of half. So before she can get it, I have to spend it on useless things like gold shoes and Griz and Dotcom.”

“I don’t gotta pre-nup. When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young MC concert.”

“OK. I’ll bring Angie in, but I’m going to tell her this is all YOUR idea.”

“Don’t help me, I’m too proud.”

“You’re not?!”

“She’s done it before, Jack!”

“Forget it. I know you’re not going to leave me. I’ve got somebody whose going to watch me die.”

“This is happening, Jack. You can stay or you can leave, but it’s going to take a while.”

“There he is. I owe you, Jackie D. When I’m on my deathbed frenching my wife, I will think of you.”

“This is real people. This is not a drill.”

“They do that a lot in movies. An Afair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blfair to Rememblack.”

“Wooooow. Now you have what me and Angie have, minus the hypertension.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Hello, yes, ok, thank you.”

“The test was positive. Nonono. I mean positive like it’s good. The test results were negative. Oh, I see your confusion. That’s funny. Ahahaha. Ahahaha. Funny. Jack thought the test results was positive.”

Episode 8

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

“Lalalalalalalalal.”

“They said it was a flu shot, but I know it was really a truth serum?”

“Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today.”

“Yeah.”

“We didn’t know what to get them and then I had a brainstorm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.”

“So, go do that.”

“My what?”

“No.”

“With what, my arms?”

“That would be the worst part.”

“Yeah, for the crew, cuz it’s they birthday.”

“Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. Nope. We forgot about that, too. We were out shopping together. We had fun, though.”

“Yeah, I tried on a lot of outfits.”

“I know. I also want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually, while we spent time together on this adventure.”

“Give it to me, it’s mine.”

“Medicine?”

“No!”

“Attention, ladies and germs and gentleman. Are you ready to feel better, cuz we have just the thing.”

“No. Now in the grand tradition of Patch Adams, prepare yourself for the comic stylings of Tracy the Amazing and Jenna!”

“What, why aren’t you laughing? This is happening to Liz.”

Episode 9

“So, how am I looking Dr. Spaceman?”

“Diabetes?”

“So, how bad is diabetes, really?”

“Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetson’s?”

“It’s a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes.”

“There’s no link between diabetes and diet. That’s a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado.”

“Word.”

“And I heard that from Yusef Jackson.”

“Diabetes and diet. Next you’ll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment.”

“K. What’s up with this disgusting stuff?”

“N-O-E. No. E.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Through the stone?”

“I’m fine, Ken. I have so much energy, my hand keeps dancing.”

“Hmmm. What is this?”

“Damn, K. That is weak. I’m a fourty year old man. You think I’ma be scared into eating some stuff because some-”

“Ahhhhh. I renounce everything. Cover your brain.”

Episode 10

“What’s up, Brian?”

“Of course not, I transcend race.”

“You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I’m in.”

“A yard, like a lawn? Yes I have.”

“I went out with the interns. Those white boys are not kidding around. Have you ever tasted scotch? It’s terrible! And this thing they call ‘box seats at the Ranger’s game,’ it’s so cold. And what is Rohyphnal?”

“So I shouldn’t have taken 2 of them for my headache?

“Hey, you know it, Bri-man.”

“I have no idea what either one of us just said.”

“I have a rep to maintain. If I can’t keep up with a bunch of Wall St frat boys- uh, oh, here come the Roofies. You can do whatever you want to me.”

“I’m going to. I’m Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth.”

“Ken, these interns are wearing me out. It’s like I said in my non-hit comedy ‘Cruise Boat,’ I’m getting too old for this ship.”

“Yes there is. Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?”

“Exactly, so if I’m going to keep my hilarious reputation, these interns gotta go.”

“Then I’ll find something for them to do.”

“I’m doing this so no one will know I’m getting old.”

“This interview is over.”

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Episode 11

“NBC, blah blah blah, thank you.”

“Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms Magoo.

“I know love at first site when I see it. I saw it when I met Angie. I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Griz’s fiance.”

“Now’s the time for gallantry.”

“Well, cotton and fiddles, I enjoy your smile.”

“You may call me, Kenneth the Page, cuz that is who I am. Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night? Yes, indeedy corn cobs.”

“It’s a Valentimesdatelydoo.”

“That’s how you get to Manhatten’s fanciest restaurant.”

“Yes, I found it on my favorite website. Stopshowingoff.com.”

“It’s the best, darn tootenist restaurant in all of New York.”

“Not just any entertainment, the best singer in the world. Michael McDonald.”

“It doesn’t have to end here, ya’llsies.”

“That is cold, blind lady. Oh, and by the way, you’re not so attractive yourself.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I tried.”

Episode 12

“You know it! I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch!”

“You got it. NGS, Fridays at C30 on TB10.”

“But then he scores a basket even though he’s not a wolf anymore.”

“Good. I’m glad I’m here.”

“Larry, I’m not an expert, but I do have a strong opinion. New York, as we know it, will no longer exist tomorrow.”

“Look. I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbuck. And if Wall St crashes, it’ll be the 1970’s all over again. People will get mean. The streets won’t be safe. It’ll be graffiti everywhere. And the movies will only cost 3 dollars.”

“Uhm, my work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour, but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan.”

“Larry, what everyone needs to do is just take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.”

“Devil’s avocado here, Larry. I think people should freak the geek out. Withdraw all your money and hide it.”

“It’s what I’ve always done. I hide cash everywhere. At home, at church, even at work. In fact, I’ve hidden so much money, that if some of it was gone, I probably wouldn’t even notice.”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger.”

“Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy and that is an imposter. Hang up. Hang up on him, Larry.”

“Hey, I recognize that voice anywhere, Larry. That’s my friend Peter Frampton on the phone.”

“Of course, Pete. I hid my money in the safest place at 30 Rock. Without giving it away, the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place.”

“I already told you. It’s dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes, it’s always in the same place.”

“I never said it was a thing.”

“Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30. Word!”

Episode 13

“Thanks for coming out, thanks for watching. Love, peace, and hairgrease!”

“That’s because I don’t have a birthday, Ken.”

“I don’t have a birth certificate, cuz I was born inside of Yankee Stadium. I bounced around foster families so much, no one ever bothered to throw me a party.”

“I don’t need a birthday cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they’re often a surprise.”

“But I don’t have a birthday!”

“I do feel it. You’re all so amazing. And to think I was just calling ya’ll a bunch of racists.”

“I did not know that?”

“Suree, Suree, Suree.”

“You were right, Ken, birthday’s are special. And now mine’s is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again. Now that warm happy feeling is gone, there’s no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey!”

“Come on, Daniel.”

“My birthday wish came to true!”

“I wished for you to get better. I was gonna to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us.”

“But then I saw you with that backbrace on right before I blew out my candles. It’s a birthday miracle!”

“Ahhhahaaahah. Ahhhahaha.”

Episode 14

“Here come the County Court Steppers. Their traditional dance celebrates the spirit and the ingenuity of the Irish people.”

“Wake up, Motherfu-”

“I feel I should be rewarded for going this long without swearing on live TV.”

“50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half.”

“OK, great meeting.”

“There you are, Liz Lemon. You wanna buy half a watch? I have to pay my fine in cash. I guess FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers.”

“I sure have. I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Earnest Borgnine whispered to me at-”

“That’s always the lesson! If you have money you can do whatever you want. Now I’m off to appear on Martha Steward Live. Ooh, it’s gonna be raunchy.”

“Hello, Liz Lemon. Just catching up on some work. What sounds more shocking ‘[Bleeeeeeeep]’ or ‘[Bleeeeeeeep]’?

“Hear you go. Everything’s OK.”

“I don’t want to hurt the crew. I love the crew. All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss Liz Lem-”

“Great idea, Liz Lemon!”

“The first two thirds! I don’t need to stop being myself if I AM the advertiser! I have the money. I’ll just buy up all of the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“Kenneth, I need you to set up a meeting with you and the folks from ad sales. What do you mean you’re not in charge anymore?”

“I do not apologize, America. I did not even write that apology. I am advertiser Tracy Jordan and I approve this message. I am an advertiser. I am an advertiser. Is that 30 seconds, yet?”

“Hey, America, check out my fun cooker!”

“Hi. I’m Tracy Jordan. My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them cuz they’re out by the trash cans. Now that’s gots to be 30 seconds. Nine? OK, here comes the fun cooker.”

“Can we get some Diet Slice and pita chips up in here?”

“All I did is ask for some Diet Slice and some pita chips.”

Episode 15

“Hey, Ken, do you know what I have a craving for?”

“And some?”

“You are my Radar O’Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet til you hear a chopper coming.”

“This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow.”

“OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.”

“How is this not really about money?”

“What’s that now, Charles?”

“I never thought of it like that. Thank you. I quit. Goodbye.”

“Hello?”

“Bill Cosby? You gotta a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette.”

“1971, Cincinnatti. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye.”

“Try to tell me what to do? Dr Heathcliff Huxtable with your light-ass kids. Jack, why would you make me talk to this man?”

“[Singing] ‘My girl has a fat neck.’ I’m sharp, let’s do it again.”

“Oh, hey, Cranston, I was looking for Kenneth.”

“[Singing] ‘Fat neck girl let me count your neck rings.’ Family? Whose in charge of my thirst?”

“Cranston, why hasn’t Kenneth called me back yet? I miss him. Cranston? Why are you crying?”

“Hey, Ken? I’ve been calling you, has Cranston not been giving you my messages?”

“Yeah, well. Don’t worry. I just came to get a few of my things. And I won’t bother you.”

“Alright. I guess that’s everything. But I want you to know. If I walk out that door, Ken, I’m not gonna call again. It’s over. You understand?”

“You used Cranston as his gatekeeper?”

“Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken?”

“Unless?”

“You say Kenneth can’t work here because I don’t work here. But if I work here, so can Kenneth.”

“Of course you don’t, you idiot. I’m coming back to work, Jack. With Kenneth!”

“I’ll be in my dressing room.”

Episode 16

“I will be brief. I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and thirty million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions.”

“What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!”

“Look, when I was a kid growing up in the projects, I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space. Of escaping the slums. Of killing the Ewok! Now the man that kid has become can make those dreams come true. Do you know what that’s like?”

“Then you know why I have to do this. As Robert Browning once wrote, ‘Ho, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what is a heaven for? I was prepared for the possibility of this meeting.”

“Thank you, Jacky D!”

“At least it’s a dry heat here in Florida.”

“Computer, when do I get some Tang? Also, I’m thirsty. Hahahahaha. Wordplay. Hahaha.”

“I’m scared, but I’m also excited! Hahahah. Ooooh. I’m Lizzing. Hahaha. Lizzing. I’m Lizzing.”

“Tracy to Earth. Come in Earth.”

“Great wink, Kenneth. Space is very cold, but very beautiful. And sometimes it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance. I think I- Oh my God, where did you get that rocket?”

“It’s awesome.”

“Hey, Jacky D. If everyone could see the world the way I see it, it would be a better place to live!”

“I think so. I wish I was there so I could play with it.”

Episode 17

“Dessert.”

“Someone put too many farts in this engine, it’s about to explode.”

“I’m Flava Obama and I’d like to introduce our Undersecretary of Housing and Crystal Meth, boooooyyyyy.”

“It’s farting. It’s farting.”

“That’s our show for tonight, see you next week!”

“This is TGS.”

“Woah, K.”

“I’m sorry, but just let me know if there’s any way I can help.”

“No, I was just saying that. Why can’t you read human facial cues? Alright, what is it?”

“Yeah, OK. Birds are like little dinosaurs. So what I’ll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave.”

“What?”

“Hey, little guy.”

“I wasn’t going to. I wasn’t going to. Ahhh.”

“Jenna, something weird is going on.”

“No, it’s not that. Jenna, you’re the smartest person I know. Do you think Kenneth could be a murderer?”

“Well, I might be crazy, but neither he, nor his bird would let me into his bedroom. And why wouldn’t you want to let Tracy Jordan into your bedroom unless you got a bunch of dead nurses in there.”

“He grew up killing pigs.”

“No wonder he’s fascinated when I do that.”

“I admonished him for that earlier. Three for three, he’s a monster.”

“Hey, K. Where’s Jonathan?”

“Uh, huh.”

“Yeah, it’s about someone else. I’m afraid this guy I know in Canada might be a serial killer.”

“Kenneth. I mean, I’ll tell you his name. It’s Kenneth.”

“If I had any doubts about this before, and I don’t think I did, they’re gone now.”

“Yeah, like Julia and Denzel in the Pelican Brief.”

“Jenna, I just want you to know, that if we find any human remains in there, I’m gonna throw up all over your face.”

“Oh, no. Kenneth’s a murderer and a Riddler is coming.”

“Yeah, but on the bright side, you’ve been downgraded from suspect to person of interest.”

“Hahahaha. Time does heal all wounds.”

“Ken, we feel bad that we, but mostly Jenna, gassed your bird.”

Episode 18

“No, Passive resistance. I learned that from Dr. King. I’m brave!”

“I don’t need to read it. The entire thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas.”

“Alright, enough. This fighting stops now.”

“I knew this would happen someday. A woman would come between us. Well I’m not standing by, I’m taking action.”

“Well, Liz Lemon’s in jail now and somebody has to step up and take charge around here.”

“Let the problem solving begin.”

“Are you Daphne? Yeah, you’re fired.”

“I had to. Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.”

“Hmmm, usually this is the point in my process where Liz Lemon steps in and takes care of everything. Heavy is the head that eats the crayons. Gonna take a nap, see you in 10 hours.”

“No we don’t, he’s not even gonna notice they’re gone.”

“These are the new dancers, Ken. Say hi to Velvet.”

“Just think, an hour ago they were broiling in the parking lot, but tonight they’re gonna be stars. Oh boy.”

“As we celebrate the life of Jenna Maroney.”

“That was some of Jenna Maroney’s earlier work. It’s hard to believe that both of those women outlived her, especially the woman on the right. We’ll be right back.”

“And finally tonight. What more fitting way to say goodbye to our friend than with the gift she gave all of us, her music. Ladies and gentlemen, Issac Bimmelmans and the Tracy Jordan Dancers.”

“Why are you smiling, you’re freaking me out.”

“You’re crazy.”

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Episode 19

“We’ve narrowed it down, Liz Lemmon.”

“This Saturday is the 20th anniversary of the night that me and Angie met. She was working at the Diker Heights Arthur Treaches and I was residing there. She slipped me a free shrimp combo and we’ve been together ever since, so this present has to be special. It’s either going to be a denim jacket that says ‘Hot Bitch’ in diamonds, or a Slanket.”

“You are wise, Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark. So as a token of my gratitude, I got something especially for you.”

“Liz Lemon, you dummy.”

“I asked Angie what she wanted for our anniversary, and she wants me to get a tattoo of her name.”

“And above it she wants this picture of her face. I can’t have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs.”

“You know I like to socialize, Liz Lemon. And you know my signature move with the ladies.”

“It’s taking off my shirt.”

“Now, it’s a Sophie’s Choice. I can’t get this tattoo and I can’t tell Angie ‘no’.”

“That’s a start, Liz Lemmon, that’s a start.”

“Dotcom, that is a great idea. If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion. Tangiers?”

“Look, this is my reputation we’re talking about here. Use your heads.”

“Continue.”

“-Is for me to arrange a test of erotic temptation. Yes.”

“We’re going out tonight, Jacky D, and we’re going to be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus is my stereo guy and the Wilderness is a club I took him to once.”

“Sure thing, baby. Give a kid a call, hmm? Holla?”

“Tip of the iceberg, Jacky D. You can have all of this whenever you want. Or, you could marry that nice lady you’re in love with. It’s up to you.”

“Of course I do. Angie’s the one.”

“It’s a thing I made up after seeing the Matrix.”

“OK. This is something I’ve never told anyone. This is my terrible secret. In 20 years that I’ve known her, I’ve never cheated on my wife. There, I said it. Don’t look at me.”

“The partying is just for show, and because I’m a high-functioning alcoholic. All those phone numbers you see me handing out? They’re not even mine.”

“So can you. Because I’m a ridiculous unstable human being.”

“And if Angie wants me to get a tattoo of her to prove my life, then I’m getting that tattoo.”

“Griz, get the car. Dotcom get the coats and which one of your ladies wants to pick up the tab.”

“No and at large. I mighta went out and had too a little much to drink last night, but you’ll be proud of me, Liz Lemon Cool J, because I went out and got that tattoo Angie wanted me to get. Pow! How you like me now?”

Episode 20

“What the hell time is it?”

“No, I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday! White opressors, answer my question. What time is it really?”

“You’re a bunch of racists.”

“You treat me like a child. No worse than that. You treat me like one of those little pageant girls with the clip on teeth.”

“Irregardless, you know what? Race card!”

“I think I’ve made my point.”

“Don’t patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon, we have a black president now.”

“This is post-racial America, and I demand to be treated like everyone else.”

“Fine.”

“Fine, I’ll bring my lunch from home.”

“You don’t think I can do that?”

“Fine, but I’ll have the last laugh. Hahahaha.”

“Professional is my middle name.”

“No need, I’ve got it memorized.”

“I’m going to do a Valentino cross, camera right, then dump the lavs, so stay on your fours, guys.”

“3:15, time for union break.”

“No. Do not apologize. In fact, everyone? Everyone gather round. Actor announcement. I want to publicly thank you, Liz Lemon, for you have shown me, that in today’s world, everyone should be treated exactly the same. No one should get preferential treatment.”

“Not black comedy superstars, not Hispanics, not Indians, not whatever this guy is. And not women, Liz Lemon.”

“Good. I feel parched from being so professional, could I trouble you for some water?”

“No. No. Equality. Everyone should be treated the same, right Liz Lemon? You should change it.”

“No one help her.”

“Hello, Liz Lemon. I was just telling these fellas how you don’t want to be treated any differently because you’re a woman.”

“Good. We’re learning.”

“Hello, Elizabeth.”

“I’m done with my work, I was very professional.”

“It was.”

“You coming, Liz Lemmon? Because a dude boss would be a jerk if he didn’t come to Lutz’s bachelor party. Also a dude boss, would pay for it.”

“Twist.”

“I don’t want to be here, I don’t like it here. Who is this guy?”

“The black one. I can’t take it anymore. I hate it.”

“Everything is upside down.”

“Yes, we upset the natural order. You’re going to strip clubs, I’m up writing all night.”

“We’re dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!”

“We don’t wanna end up like those two!”

Episode 21

“Come on in, Jack, I’m just practicing sitting.”

“Because he’s dead.”

“Because if that man was alive, he’d be living in my pool house and I’d be paying him two hundred thousand dollars a year to mow my lawn.”

“I feel like you’re not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won’t stay in it.”

“Why? Jack, every man should know his father.”

“No it wasn’t. I struggled through that sentence. But I know what I’m talking about because not long ago a son I didn’t know about found me.”

“My love child tracked me down. I was shocked, scared, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.”

“Everybody, gather up. Actor announcement. No, human announcement.”

“There’s something I want you all to hear directly from me before you read about it in next month’s issue of Black Entrepreneur and Butts Magazine. I have an illegitimate son.”

“Obviously, my family wanted to keep this private, but somehow, those vultures in the media found out about it.”

“Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.”

“Oh, noooooooo.”

“Now, I didn’t know about this boy up until three years ago, but I’ve been supporting him financially ever since. And I want you all to meet him.”

“I want you bastards to meet my bastard. My baby boy, Donald Jordan.”

“Well, as long as it’s for something you need.”

“I love you, man.”

“Why won’t this stupid gizmo do what I want. I’m going to miss the lotto drawing.”

“Of course, why would I lie about my age, I’m in the entertainment industry.”

“Not familiar, but what about this song? [Singing] Tea is great after being out late, after walking my baby ba-”

“39.”

“Yes you are, son. That’s what that birth certificate you printed out for me said.”

“Yes I do, and I left the amount blank, just like you asked.”

“Donald’s opening a dojo.”

I

“Hey, remember this song? [Singing] If e’r a fair maiden, a knight chance to see.”

“OK, that was to put in Dotcom’s birthday card. But you’re right. The card is enough.”

“I know.”

“Liz Lemon, I might hug people too hard and get lost in malls. But I’m not an idiot.”

“When Donald came to me he was a fast talking charmer from the wrong side of the track. He reminded me of someone, Liz Lemon, Jon Travolta’s character from Grease. And me.”

“Call it what you want, but in the last three years, Donald has gone from scamming celebrities to being a small business owner.”

“And the community center is thriving. Do you know Kenneth’s eighty dollars bought a chess set and a crate of condoms?”

“That’s what ya’ll naming it? Thank you, son. Thank you.”

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Episode 22

“Not interested.”

“Because Frank Lucas High School was a hell hole. Griz knows, he was there. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby. Campbell wanted me to cut him open.”

“I wouldn’t do it. I dropped out, and I vowed never to go back to that place.”

“Yes he was.”

“No he wasn’t.”

“What frog?”

“When have I ever cried?”

“It’s true, there is no Baby. I was chicken. I was chicken.”

“You can’t understand, Ken. Where I come from, street cred is everything. That’s why, when I left that school in shame, I vowed never to cry again. And I never have.”

“Don’t die! I love you, Jack.”

“Diet Slice and some pita chips.”

“I don’t wanna be here, I don’t like it here.”

“I was just calling ya’ll a bunch of racists.”

“We’re not really best friends, we’re just good friends.”

“I was chicken. I was chicken.”

“I’m never going back to Frank Lucas High School to be reminded of my greatest failure.”

“Uh uh. I’ve changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolfdog, and I have two bad knees and I have a gun. That I lost!”

“Damn, K, you know who that was?”

“I grew up with that guy. He was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him ‘Mean Steve’, but his real name was Steven Killah.”

“Well, if a bad ass OG like that can get stuck delivering food, how did I get out?”

“You’re right, Ken. They should. 5 F bombs, right?”

“I almost didn’t make it here this afternoon, but then a very special friend showed me the way. So I’d like to take a moment to thank Victor Cardova from the Sunoco station on Lennox Avenue.”

“But there’s another reason why I almost didn’t come today. Fear. Fear of letting people know the real me. I have but one thing to say to all of you. Be yourself. And I’m talking to you clearly, gay kid. And you, white kid just trying to go unnoticed.”

“Just be yourself and I guarantee you every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States.”

“OK, but I’m allergic to horses.”

“[Crying] Who wants my autograph.”

“There you are, you stupid cracker. Do you know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It’s my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at three PM. I don’t know why I only go twice a week. That’s what Angie should be worried about.”

“Pete, how am I going to live, I only have three hundred million dollars.”

“High school graduate, do you know what this means, Griz? Dotcom? Ken? We’re going to college.”

“How’d you say that without moving your mouth?”

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