A 47-year-old man who wants a child wonders whether to leave his wife of 15 years because she doesn’t. Mariella Frostrup says he must take his dreams seriously If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I am 47 and have been married for 15 years, though we’ve been together 23. I do love my wife, but my desire for a child is naturally strong and I am scared that I am resenting her for not wanting one. I have built a successful life and always remained faithful even when we drifted apart and lost intimacy. Now I feel when the subject is even mentioned it causes an argument. Like the old song goes: do I stay or do I go now? I don’t want to grow old without the opportunity and equally I don’t want to lose her, but I feel I am getting sadder every day. All she will say is: “Let’s be us again and intimate and wear a condom and if it breaks, then so be it.” I explained that trying is one thing, but you have to want one and both be on the same page.

Mariella replies Now that’s what I call a fatalist! If your wife is anywhere close to you in age the odds are definitely against an “accidental” pregnancy, even without a condom. Rolling the dice isn’t the best way to approach one of the most significant decisions you’ll ever make, but neither is it an unusual route to pregnancy.

Just as there’s no perfect way to raise children there’s also no single route to conceiving them. You’d be surprised how many babies are created through whim, by chance, without discussion and, on some occasions, taking both partners completely by surprise. As incubators for babies, the main carers for children and often victims of career discrimination when they take time out, women, I think, should be allowed extra consideration when it comes to timing and readiness. That doesn’t mean they should have the casting vote. Making babies is one of the few areas where women maintain an advantage over men – if a woman wants a baby it’s relatively easy to engineer and if she doesn’t you’ve got quite a challenge to overcome.

There are plenty of compelling factors to take into account before you choose parenting and not everyone is attracted by or indeed capable of the commitment and drudgery that accompany the extraordinary epiphanies of bringing up a child. It’s unfortunate how little the topic is discussed before long-term commitments are made. You’ve been together 23 years and I wonder when it first became clear you had opposing views on this.

From the 1960s on, contraception made sex without consequences an appealing option and a lot of men, without the biological clock to worry about, chose to commit later (often to much younger partners) and have kids in maturity. It was an abiding problem for women of my generation and left many childless, alone in their 50s, or embarking on dangerously late motherhood thanks to the scarcity of father material. I was 39 before I met a man who actively wanted to start a family – it brought me precariously close to an altogether different fate. Thankfully it does seem that the orgy of string-free sexual adventures that was kickstarted in the decade of my birth has slightly run out of stream. An unstable, insecure world appears to be making partnerships a priority again.

To parent or not to parent is so important a choice that it seems at best irresponsible not to solicit a partner’s opinion before electing to settle down with them. In this instance you’ve made my job much harder by failing to illuminate me on your wife’s reasons for not wanting a family. I also feel there’s something you aren’t telling me. Could your own philosophy have changed? If so that’s not a crime, but it does mean you need to take responsibility for your change of heart and understand that you can’t just demand your partner’s compliance. You’ll need to seduce your wife into changing direction and perhaps allay fears she might have of being too old to take on the challenge.

Late parenting has drawbacks and myriad pleasures but it certainly isn’t a challenge to take on lightly and without both partners’ commitment. Or is this current quandary a symptom of a burgeoning desire to walk new pastures? To have shared 23 years with a woman you still love is not a gift to dispense with lightly, but if you have irreconcilably different visions of the future, deal with them now while you still both have choices.

In my view, you have three options: convince your wife, settle for the loving if childless union you have and the freedom that comes with it, or free yourself to find a partner who shares your parenting dream. Happiness isn’t guaranteed whatever route you choose, but as you step toward life’s second act there is renewed satisfaction in taking your desires and unfulfilled dreams seriously enough to act on them. Some people call it a midlife crisis – I lean more toward the term “adjustment”!



If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

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