It’s one thing when pundits re-hash the same arguments year after year. It’s quite another when they write almost literally the exact same article.

Writing for MarketWatch, Quentin Fottrell re-recounts Apple’s naughty list:

“10 things Apple won’t say” (indirect link and tip o’ the antlers to Tom Swanson)

10 things Apple won’t say? Quentin Fottrell? You wrote the same article two years ago. You can’t fool this tireless mythical beast (who even works on Christmas).

1. We’re running out of ideas

Apple’s out of ideas? Dude, you’re re-running a two-year-old article cut up into 10 pages.

Fottrell’s evidence: A couple of analysts don’t see any upcoming products. Meanwhile Eddie Cue says Apple has the best pipeline he’s seen in 25 years. Granted, Cue does work for the company that said the Beatles launch would be a day you’d never forget, but on the other hand, you can see the Macalope’s collected works for what analysts have said.

Apple declined to comment for this story.

Really? They declined to comment for the story you write every two years on their incredible, devious obfuscation? Get out.

No. Seriously. The Macalope insists you get out. Of our space/time continuum. Whatever lump of violent, congealed, alternate-universe ooze cross-dimensional quantum mechanics sees fit to pull in to replace you in order to maintain balance between realities, it has to be better.

2. Our customers have upgrade fatigue

Much of this section is literally copy/pasted from the 2012 version of this story. And here’s the Macalope writing an entirely new column on Christmas to respond to it. Like a sap.

3. Your privacy is becoming a problem

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Even if the hacks were a result of old-fashioned login credential theft, [Aram Sinnreich, media professor at Rutgers University,] says the publicity is very damaging.

Remember, it’s not the place of pundits to correct perceptions, it is only for them to note them and talk about how damaging they are for Apple. That’s Punditry 101.

4. We’re ruining your sex life

If you’re blaming an inanimate object for ruining your sex life, you might be going about the sex the wrong way. Just a thought.

Or, uh, maybe you could use different inanimate objects? The Macalope doesn’t want to go into it here. Just email him. (Do not actually email him about this.)

5. The iPad is our problem child

Hey, if Jeff Bezos can defend the Fire Phone, Apple can remain optimistic about the iPad. At least they’ve actually sold some.

6. You’ll spend more with our devices

Because you’ll use them more. This is bad because adlkafdo;iadjfal;dkf

7. Don’t be fooled by our soft sell

You will be shocked to discover that Apple’s sales people are encouraged to try to sell their devices. The Macalope looks forward to a Pulitzer-prize winning New York Times exposé on this in 2015.

8. Goodbye, iTunes: The download is dead

If only Apple had a streaming music service. Or two.

Also, they may actually have mentioned this in several keynotes, so now your list contains things that Apple actually does say.

9. We’ll hook you for life

There are two ways to look at why many people buy more Apple devices after trying one. One is that they have a great user experience and would, inexplicably, like to have more great user experiences. The other is ZOMG, THOUGHT CONTROL RAYS ARE EMANATING FROM CUPERTINO.

10. Our fans turn a blind eye to our faults

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This loyalty can mean turning a blind eye to how and where iPhones are made.

Are some people doing this? Probably. Most, however, are recognizing that you can either choose to buy a device that’s made in a factory that has poor working conditions or you can choose to use hand-crafted, artisanal wood phones made by the Pennsylvania Dutch as long as you’re willing to give up making calls and running apps.

Is it weird to want a modern device or is pretending Apple is the only company that uses Chinese factories to make its products weird? One of the things Fottrell won’t say is that Apple does a better job than most of its peers at trying to improve conditions at factories.

The other thing Fottrell won’t say is that he wrote this article two years ago.