A Halfy’s Perspective

Hi, I’m the Dave mentioned in the FAQ and the author of the Dave Behavioral Paradigms. Some of you are probably wondering why I’m associated with this site, with my distinctively non-Asian-sounding name. The short story is that I’m half white (mostly German and something else I forgot, give me a break they’re all the same anyway) and half Taiwanese. This article will be my explanation of why the curse of the Asian man still applies to me and others like me, interspersed with random drive-by dissings of white guys and Asian girls.

Although I don’t look too much like an Asian guy and have a German last name, I live my life according to the Asian Way.

That is, I spent most of my time in high school and college working hard to get good grades and generally shunning the White Way of life. I respect my elders like a good Asian boy, and treat women with politeness. I avoided the business major life of endless partying and drunkenness that was so prevalent at The Ohio State University. Finally, and most unfortunately, I prefer Asian girls. One theoretical benefit of my situation is that because I look somewhat white (or look less Asian than the full Asian guy), Asian girls are more likely to notice me. I’m taller, more muscular, and have white features. But I also have the aforementioned Asian characteristics. On paper, it looks like an awesome situation. Attract the girls initially with my white side, and then retain them with my Asian side! As it turns out, I’m actually almost as screwed as the 100% Asian guy.

My aesthetic advantage over Asian guys only applies if, well, I’m being compared to Asian guys. So if I’m at some Asian social event or something else solely involving Asians, everything works out. But where I live, there is nothing of the sort, as far as I know. But you know what there is a lot of? WHITE GUYS! That’s right, my 50% white advantage counts for shit where I live. There is the occasional Asian girl but she is, without fail, attached to some white guy. I have been told that there is even an attractive half-Asian girl there, and guess what? She too has fallen victim to the White Plague, and even got married to the bastard. Now there is an interesting possibility that could work in my favor, which is when an Asian girl is initially only interested in Asian guys, and I’m just Asian enough to qualify. This situation is examined in the next paragraph, with equally disastrous results.

Now, just for kicks, let’s take the hypothetical situation that I get an Asian girlfriend. Everything is going well, and I live happily ever after, right? WRONG! Let’s say that I’m lucky enough to be the only halfy at this Asian-American culture festival. Everyone is swept up by the history and accomplishments of the ancients, and the girls are filled with patriotic loyalty to their countrymen. However, by virtue of having dark hair and knowledge of vector calculus, I manage to trick her into thinking I’m just some tall, muscular version of the rest of the guys in the room and get her number. However, weeks later, tragedy strikes: she tags along with a friend to the Dutch culture festival. She is quickly overwhelmed by the tallness and natural fur coats of the white guys there and forgets all about her patriotic feelings (and me). The rest of the story can be inferred from the Asian Girl diagram in the Dave Behavioral Paradigms.

In conclusion:

1. Half-Asian guys get shafted almost as badly as Asian guys

2. White guys suck

3. Asian girls suck, and are shallow