Confession: I hate Halloween costumes. More specifically, I hate events that I want to go to that expect me to have a costume.

I hate how I am expected to throw together all of the *quirky clothes* I definitely already own because I am a *quirky person* who has an entire *quirky wardrobe* full of *quirky things* he can mix and match.

I hate how somebody is going to reply to this with “What? You don’t need to own any quirky clothes! Just take all of the fabrics you own, take out the sewing machine you own and know how to use, stitch the fabrics together, and then use the face paint and sequins and craft glue that you totally have already to interpret them in a new, creative way” and think that they have totally demolished my complaint.

I hate how I could go to the store and get a very professional-looking costume for $50, but then I would be spending $50 on a store-bought Halloween costume, which is both a waste of money, and signals that I am a rich but boring person who thinks he can use wealth as a substitute for quirkiness and talent.

I hate how if I go as a ghost, some much cooler guy is going to go as “the rightward shift on economic issues among American youth between 2010 and 2018”, and go around telling everyone “You know what’s really scary? The rightward shift on economic issues among American youth between 2010 and 2018!”, and everyone will think they’re hilarious and spend the whole night talking about how quirky and creative they are.



And I hate how if I go as “the rightward shift on economic issues among American youth between 2010 and 2018”, everyone will just be like “What?” and I will spend the whole night awkwardly explaining it to people who think I’m insane, and the much cooler guy will go as a ghost, and spend the night flirting with the girl who dressed as a sexy ghost.

I hate how if I apply a lot of creativity and money and time, I can eventually get something that sends all of the right signals and countersignals, and looks like I didn’t put much thought into it because I am a suave guy who doesn’t overthink silly things like Halloween costumes, and the final result is that I incur the same lack of social penalty as I would have if it had just been a normal dress event and I had dressed normally.