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Donald John Trump (born June 14, 1946) is an American businessman, real estate developer, television personality, author and dick.

Overview and business

Trump rose to fame as a builder and real-estate developer. His buildings are known for their aesthetic touches commonly considered “classy” in many parts of the dick community. They feature gold fixtures, gold windows, gold signs and gold marble. Trump really likes gold.

About his first signature skyscraper, The Trump Tower, he said, “When people see the beautiful marble in Trump Tower, they usually have no idea what I went through personally to achieve the end result. No one cares about the blood, sweat, and tears that art or beauty require.”

Even for a dick, Trump is widely considered to be a braggart with an outsized and unwarranted opinion of himself and his talents. This is thought to be reason for the common theme linking the names of his many properties and businesses. They include:

• Trump Palace

• Trump Parc

• Trump Park Avenue

• Trump Tower

• Trump World Tower

• Trump Star Tower

• Trump Plaza

• Trump Grande

• Trump Place

• Trump Taj Mahal

• Trump Marina

• Trump Casino

• Trump Island Villas

• Trump Elite Tower

• Trump Tower Variations

• Trump Ice bottled water

• Trump Vodka

• Trump Shuttle

• Trump Golf

• Trump Magazine

• Trump Cologne for Men

• The Donald J. Trump Signature Men’s Collection



Trump considers himself the consummate dealmaker. “Deals are my art form,” he has written, “other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That's how I get my kicks.” That, and having sexual intercourse with curiously "mannish" women.

Career

Trump portrays himself as a self-made man, but, in fact, he started his career at his father's successful real-estate company, the Trump Organization. While it is true that since then he has been successful in finding other wealthy dicks to buy apartments and condos in his many dick buildings, he is not as successful or as wealthy as he portrays himself to be.

In 2005, the journalist Timothy L. O’Brien, a staff writer for The New York Times, published the book “TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald.” In the book O’Brien claimed that Trump was not, as he claims, a billionaire, and worth only $250 million. Trump filed suit against O’Brien for “libel” in 2006. The suit is still pending.

Not in dispute is the fact that Trump’s businesses have been in and out of bankruptcy court since the early 1990’s. In 1991, The Taj Mahal Casino, which Trump financed largely with high-interest junk bonds, was forced into bankruptcy. In 1992, the Trump Plaza Hotel was forced to reorganize under a Chapter 11 bankruptcy plan after being unable to meet it dept payments. In 2004, Trump Hotels was also forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. About that bankruptcy he said, “I don't think it's a failure, it's a success." This confusion with opposites is considered by many to be a possible explanation for his taste in women.

In 2004, Trump became the Executive Producer of the NBC show “The Apprentice,” a reality show in which contestants vie to see who is the biggest dick, as judged by Trump. Participants are dismissed from the show with the signature phrase, “You’re fired,” which Trump has tried to trademark. In 2007, ratings were down significantly from 2006, and the show was last among the networks in its timeslot. Perhaps this is because all of the women on the show, instead of competing to win, are focusing their energies on having sex with Trump: “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me -- consciously or unconsciously,” said Trump. “That's to be expected.”

Family

In 1977, Trump married Ivana Zelnickova, whom he also branded with the “Trump” name. Ivana, a Czechoslovakian peroxide blond with a penchant for plastic surgery and international playboy wastrels, nicknamed Trump “The Donald.” They had three children, Donald Jr., Ivanka (sic) and Eric. Ivanka later claimed to be a “fashion model.”

Though Ivana was also a dick, and shared The Donald’s love of the dick aesthetic, it was not enough to keep the marriage together. In the early 1990’s, Trump began having sexual intercourse with a woman named Marla Maples. She was an “actress,” because she had appeared in a movie called “Maximum Overdrive,” in which she played a character named “2nd Woman.” Ivana filed for divorce shortly after, and Trump and Maples were married in 1993.

Though Trump was unsuccessful in branding Maples with the Trump name, he was able to inseminate her. In 1993, Maples gave birth to Trump’s fourth dick progeny, “Tiffany” (sic). Trump and Maples divorced in 1999.

Trump soon started dating Melanie Knauss, a Slovenian woman who looks like a Slovenian man. She/He became Trump new trophy wife in 2004. She is seven years older than Donald Trump, Jr. It is known that she allowed the aging Trump, who has unnaturally-colored orange hair styled in a bizarre comb-over, to penetrate her at least once, as she gave birth to Trump’s fifth dick offspring, Barron (sic) William Trump, in 2006.

About Barron, Trump had this to say in 2007: "He's strong, he's smart, he's tough, he's vicious, he's violent -- all of the ingredients you need to be an entrepreneur, and most importantly, hopefully he's smart because smart is really the ingredient,"

Feuds

In the 1980’s Spy Magazine, edited by Graydon Carter and Kurt Anderson, dubbed Trump a “short-fingered vulgarian.” In 2006, on the occasion of the 25th anniversary of Spy, Trump was asked about the moniker. Trump’s reply, which he has had 25 years to think about, was, in the opinion of many, as classy as the gold marble in Trump Tower: “In fact, my fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” It is presumed he is talking about his penis.

In 2006 and 2007, Trump was engaged in a feud with Rosie O’Donnell, former co-host of the talk show "The View." On the show O’Donnell claimed that Trump orchestrated a controversy with the Miss Universe pageant, which he owns, in order to generate publicity for the season premier of “The Apprentice.” Trump's reply was no less trenchant than his retort to Carter and Anderson, calling O’Donnell “fat,” a “slob,” and an “animal,” “very unattractive,” and “a pigface.” He then claimed “I never went bankrupt” and threatened that either he or one of “his friends” would soon “steal” the openly-gay O’Donnell’s girlfriend away. Given Trump's relationships with Ivana Trump and Melanie Knauss, this was not considered to be an idle threat.

Trivia

In the 1980’s Trump retained the legal services of Roy Cohn, former chief counsel to Senator Joseph McCarthy’s Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, closeted self-hating homosexual and a symbol of pure evil. Their meetings are generally considered to be some of the few times in which Trump has not been the worst person in the room.



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