Hollywood has run out of novels. It is now making films out of self-harm books. He's Just Not That Into You opened at the weekend. It is probably a prequel to Men Are From Mars, Women are from Primark or Think Yourself Anorexic. It is here to maim us.

The co-author of the book, Greg Behrendt, who once wrote for Sex and the City, explains in 238 pages of hate that there is only one thing you need to know when dating. It is that your lover doesn't want you. He is trying to escape from you but he doesn't want to hurt you or confront you, so he doesn't tell you. But if you read the runes (and Greg will tell you how) you will soon realise that he's just not that into you! And then you will be free! To commit suicide!

He's Just Not That Into You is a more offensive version of The Rules, the self-help book that advises women to pretend to be dead in order to get married. The Rules are: never telephone a man; never be in when he calls; never speak to him; wear matching underwear. This was also going to be made into a film, but there was no rating bloody enough for it.

So what does Greg say? You should never ask a man out, he tells us, like an exhumed corpse from 1812. Why not? "Because we don't like it," he says. Men like to chase. You should never telephone a man and, if he gives you his number, you mustn't call. Because he is trying to trick you into asking him out. So he can reject you. Because - he's just not that into you! Greg can't stop saying, "He's just not that into you!" He says it at least five times a page. He has a kind of misogyny-themed Tourette syndrome, and reading his book is like being repeatedly slapped round the face by Hugh Grant.

Men are never scared of commitment, in Greg's mind. Fear of intimacy is an urban myth. "The only thing he's scared of," writes Greg, "and I say this with a lot of love," - although I think he's lying - "is how not attracted to you he is."

If a man is not trying to undress you, he's not into you. If he doesn't want to marry you in the next 10 minutes, he's just not that into you. If your lover is impotent, distant, tired, anxious, busy, brusque, depressed - anything that proclaims him to be a human being, not a Disney hero with cartoon flowers, nice teeth and a 24/7 erection - he's just not that into you.

So you should instantly dump him, ideally without telling him. To do that, of course, would be a waste of your time, because you should be moving on to the next man who's just not that into you.

This is dating for little girls. Anything less than the childish fantasy of the perfect ever-loving father should be shunned and, because we are indeed those little girls, Greg sets us some homework. "Write down five reasons you have a good reason to call him ... Now put your dialling finger away," he says. And never be cross when it's over. "Always be classy, never be crazy," says Greg. He really means - never be angry. Because angry isn't hot.

And when you've finally realised that every man you've ever loved didn't want you, you'll feel better because you are now in control. Greg has another mantra for this. This one is: "Don't waste the pretty!"

And what is terrifying - more terrifying than Greg's worldview - is that it is women who will pay to see this movie. Misogynists won't waste their money. Can we please scream we've had enough of the self-help rom-com that maims? We are not child women. We do not need dating homework and pop culture self-hatred. We do not need to hear that Greg's just not that into us. Because if he was, who'd care?