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BATTLING through the tears and halfheartedly mumble-singing the words to ‘Happy Birthday’, Prince Andrew took in his 60th birthday at his most favourite alibi and eatery in all of Britain; Pizza Express.

Despite sending out invites well in advance to his nearest and dearest including his mother, the Queen and on the run friend Ghislaine Maxwell, Andrew arrived to the Woking based pizza restaurant to find his booking of a table for 150 people was somewhat uncalled for.

“He brought his own cake and party hat the poor sod,” explained one waiter who was tasked with asking Andrew to move to a table for one near the back of the establishment, not long after Andrew had stood on a chair to fix a ‘Happy Birthday Andrew’ banner on the wall.

Denied a formal Royal birthday celebration which presumably involves a peasant hunt, a waste of taxpayers money and all the massages he wants in the residence of a billionaire sex trafficker, Andrew cut a lonely figure during his muted celebrations.

“You feel for him that bloke on his own with the cake,” observed a restaurant patron, “they have seated there at the back right next to the pizza oven, he must be sweating buckets”.

However, the not-a-royal-now-because-it-makes-the-family-look-bad’s birthday celebrations were looking up when an organisation called the FBI, which could stand for Friends By Invitation, made it known they would love nothing more than to spend some time in the prince’s company.