What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. How can you tell when the stage riser is level? The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs?" What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job? "Would you like fries with that?" How is a drum solo like a sneeze? You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it. Johnny says to his mom, "I want to be a drummer when I grow up!" Mom replies, "But Johnny, you can't do both." How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? He doesn't know when to come in What do you call a drummer without a wife? Homeless. What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream. What do you call a drummer with original ideas? Unemployed. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Overqualified. What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen? Farfromthinken. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? Because it can keep good time and won't steal your girlfriend. Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired. Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me either. How can you make a drummer slow down? Put a sheet of music in front of him How can you make that drummer stop? Put notes on it! Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic? Take the Pizza sign off of it. Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer. How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you? You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground. I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"... He said, "The river or the state?" Why are drummers always losing their watches? Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time. What do you call 10 drummers in a drum circle? A dope ring. Did you hear about the drummer who lost his pet dog? He didn't bother to put an ad in the newspaper... he says his dog can't read. What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm? A tattoo. Why do drummers have lots of kids? They're not too good at the Rhythm Method. How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer? Back up. What's the biggest lie told to a drummer? Hang on a minute and I'll help you with your gear. What did the drummer say to the bandleader? Do you want me to play too fast or too slow? Why are bass player jokes so short? So drummers can remember them. Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out. Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse? So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the horse droppings on the road. Why are band intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers. One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??" "Beats me!" What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea? A good start!! How many drummers does it take to wallpaper a room? Three, if you slice them thin enough! How do you call a drummer? You can't. They don't pay their phone bill. What should you call a drummer? It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway. What's the best protection the Secret Service could have against a Presidential assassination? Make a drummer the Vice-President. How do you get two drummers to play in time? Shoot one. Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get away from the drum solo. What do you tell a drummer with two black eyes? Nothing - you've already told him twice! What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. What is the dynamic range of a drum set? On and off. What do you call a drummer with a pager? An optimist. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the drums and doesn't. Why are drummers' sticks like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice. If you drop a drum set and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares? What do you do if you find a drum set in a trashcan? Leave it. What is perfect pitch? Tossing a drum set into a trashcan without hitting the sides. How do you make a drummer's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear. What's the difference between a bass drum and a snare drum? The bass drum burns longer. What's the difference between a drum set and a chainsaw? You can pawn the chainsaw. What's the best thing to play on a drum set? Solitaire. What's the ideal weight for a drummer? Four and a half pounds, including the urn. Where does one find the obituaries of drummers? Under "Civic Improvements." What's worse than telling jokes about drummers? Laughing at them! What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? The defendant. Why did the punk rock drummer cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken. What do you call a drummer with charm, personality, and charisma? A guitar player! What do you call a drummer with a credit card? Married How does a drummer count 7/4 time? One-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven. What do you get if you drop a drummer off the Leaning Tower of Pisa? Applause. How many drummer jokes are there? Only two or three, all the rest are the truth. How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? The bass player notices. What do you call the part of a gig when everyone goes to the bar? The drum solo. Did you hear about the drummer that got an AM radio? It took him a month to figure out he could also play it at night. How can you tell if a drummer has been doing the crossword? All the squares have been colored in. What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow? A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion. What do you call a hot tub full of drummers? Vegetable soup. Why are drummers' sticks like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice. Why can't a gorilla play drums? They're too sensitive. What is the definition of a drum solo? Proof that drummers don't know how to stop. What do you get when you hand a drummer a set of sleigh bells? Dumbbells. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE...?: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once. What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer? The pizza can feed a family of four. What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a dryer? Nothing What's the difference between a bad drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. What's the difference between a savings bond and a drummer? Someday the bond will mature and make some money. What's the difference between a chiropodist and a bad drummer? A chiropodist bucks up your feet! What's the difference between a drum set and an onion? No one cries when you chop up a drum set. What's the difference between a drum set and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead drummer in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake. What's the difference between a dead drummer and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. What's the difference between a drummer and dripping faucet? The faucet has a sense of rhythm. What's the difference between a drummer and a jet plane? About three decibels. What is the difference between a paperboy and a drummer? Paperboy doesn't have to bum a ride. What's the difference between a catfish and a drummer? One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the others a fish... What's the difference between a drummer and a roadie? The roadie can count to more than 4. What's the difference between a drummer and a percussionist. Oh, about three hundred dollars a week. A guy walked into a music store and said he wanted to buy one drum stick. "Yo man," said the assistant, "You lose one?" "No", said the guy, " I just found one". Thanks For Reading!

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