Donald Trump is mad at Puerto Rico. You see, in September 2017, the U.S. territory had the audacity to be hit by a devastating hurricane. Nearly two weeks later he was forced to take time away from his busy schedule of harassing NFL players, which was grueling and required total focus, to publicly trash the mayor of San Juan for daring to request more relief funds. When Trump finally saw fit to visit the disaster zone, he noticed that, despite Puerto Rico’s bitching, its catastrophe wasn’t “real...like Katrina” and that the survivors were a little too quick to lunge for the paper towels he threw into the crowd. Almost two years after the humanitarian crisis, Puerto Rico still manages to chap the president’s hide daily, taking federal money that could otherwise be used for drinks at Mar-a-Lago or on Don Jr.’s hunting trips and never once saying, “Thank you, Mr. President, you are so rich,” or, “Thank you, Mr. President, you’re so much better than that Obama guy and more fit too.” Despite Trump’s attempts to block aid to the commonwealth, Puerto Rico just keeps sucking at the government teat, telling sob stories about not having electricity or clean water and, Trump strongly suspects, vastly inflating the number of people who actually died in Maria to make him look bad. And now these con artists are trying to scam him again with another natural disaster?

Two hurricanes in two years? Sounds a little too convenient if you ask the president, especially when Puerto Rico could easily have moved out of the path of the hurricane and clearly chose not to. “So I guess they’ll be expecting more money again,” you can hear Trump telling aides. Well, not on this president’s watch, no way, no how. Maybe under Obama U.S. citizens thought they could push the federal government around, but if Puerto Ricans get hit by another natural disaster, they best not come crying to Uncle Don for yet another free lunch. Now, they want to talk quid pro quo, that’s another story. Think about erecting a giant bronze statue of 45 at his most regal and he’ll consider sending a case of water and Melania’s condolences. Before the storm hits, so it shows they really mean it.