With Scotland’s big vote on independence scheduled for this Thursday, America’s favorite British late-night host used his slot on Last Week Tonight to assess the relationship between the Scots and the British. His take? “Scotland and England have been involved in something of a 300-year arranged marriage. And look, I will be the first one to acknowledge, England has been a little bit of a dick since the honeymoon. In 1746 we actually banned the kilt just because we knew they liked it.”

John Oliver has plenty of gripes with Scotland. “When they got to choose a national animal … they selected a unicorn.” “For their national flower, the Scots chose a thistle.” Then there’s the questionable economics of it all. The Scottish National Party is optimistically betting that crude oil resources in the North Sea will be enough to sustain an independent economy. The SNP also wants to stay on the British pound. If they don’t, as Oliver puts it, “they’d either have to join the currently unstable euro, or revert to Scotland’s old currency, which I believe was sheep and threats.”

David Cameron might not be ready to make the big romantic gesture to Scotland. But Oliver is. And he’s doing it Love Actually–style to keep the couple together.