The stereotype of the cool, chill girl is that she is cool with sports, cool with Die Hard and cool with going with the flow – crucially though, she’s also a myth

Text Beth McColl

I don’t need to express to you the importance of being a cool and chill girl. But I will anyway because that’s what I’m getting paid for. It is *literally* the difference between life and death. If you’re not cool and chill you may as well wrap yourself in ham and walk into the ocean. There’s nothing else for it. You simply must be chill and cool no matter the cost. Eat the cost. Put the cost in the microwave and then throw the microwave into space. Then get a new microwave at a massively inflated price. Chill is the dish of the day. It’s also very hard to define. Is it a kind of brie? A health supplement specifically for ageing Alsatians? An artisanal bread hat? It’s surprisingly none of these things. Women’s magazines, TV shows, and your overbearing aunt Brenda would all have you believing that being chill means going with the flow, doing whatever, squashing down your emotions and your needs deep inside yourself and smiling through any type of interpersonal agony that this may cause. This is, in fact, the least chill thing you could do and yet another reason that Brenda should go to jail-prison. Being faux-chill is like being happy; ridiculously easy to outwardly fake once you know how, but dreadful for the soul. But luckily I’m here to help you become the cool chill girl of your dreams. Let’s get into it though because I have a soup cooking. Here’s how to do it.

LET GO OF THE COOL GIRL MYTH

The myth goes something like this. The cool and chill girl enjoys stereotypically masculine things like watching “Sports” and consuming beer-type drink beverages. Her favourite movies are Die Hard, Fight Club and porn. She doesn’t bother her man with serious conversations. She’s there when he wants, but when he needs space, she’s gone without him even needing to ask. She looks like a supermodel without spending hours getting ready. She also has a rare medical condition that means she has to give a blowjob every four hours or she dies. She’s a horny mermaid. A sexy unicorn. A slutty minotaur. In short: she’s not real, and trying to be her is foolish and should be made illegal. Here’s how to really be chill: if football makes you want to rub hot Dorito dust in your eyes, simply smile and say it’s not something you’re into. Unapologetically pursue your real interests. Gleefully provide for yourself wherever possible. Genuinely prioritise your sense of peace and happiness. Hold a dog in your arms and marvel at the simple beauty of the Universe. CARE LESS I don’t mean about your lovely tiny grandma, or endangered species, or bees, or your own welfare. Those things must always matter very much. What you should care less about however is: the opinion of strangers, anyone who takes pleasure in your discomfort, and the man at Sainsbury’s who scowled at me for wearing pyjamas to go buy spicy chicken wings. These things are CANCELLED. Being a woman often means storing up incredible amounts of undeserved guilt and then letting it permeate your everyday life like some kind of horrible Glade plug-in that’s melted into the socket and can’t be turned off. Acquiring any measure of real chill requires us to acknowledge this and then work very hard to replace these guilt pockets with stores of confidence, calm and peaceful determination.