If you thought that the leaders' debates were revealing, see what happened when we put them on Chatroulette

This may come as a shock to you, but there's going to be a general election this week. What's more, it'll be the closest one for decades. Will Brown stay in office? Will Cameron finally take the job he's been lusting after for so long? Can cheeky newcomer Clegg zip up the inside and cause a historic upset? The truth is, nobody knows.

Sure, we've seen all kinds of polls and tracking conducted over the last few weeks, but none of them count because they've all missed out the most marginal constituents of all – the good, perpetually masturbating, people of Chatroulette. To correct this, I recently spent an hour on Chatroulette with ghoulish, washed-out masks of Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg – who handily had the words "Nick Clegg" written across his forehead – Sellotaped to my face to gauge the public reaction. It's important to remember that the findings of this Chatroulection are 100% scientific, and also that I went through this nightmare for you people. Look away now!

GORDON BROWN

SHORTEST CHAT Less than a second.

LONGEST CHAT Six minutes, which in Chatroulette terms is about three years.

WHAT GORDON SAID Gordon, usually seen as a leaden orator compared to Cameron and Clegg, played a blinder here. He often opened with a forceful "I'm ready and equipped to answer the call of the future" before his Chatroulette partner could even react, then began happily deploying lines like "I want a Britain where banks serve the people and not the other way around" and "I know what this job involves" with dizzying proficiency. He was unafraid to shoot down his opponents with a blazing "I don't like these words, because we're bringing it under control" from time to time, and only occasionally resorted to "I agree with Nick" when it looked like all hope was lost.

WHAT CHATROULETTE SAID "You got my vote", "You should be proud", "Morron", "cock sucker", "Your Momma's vagina", "You have the skills", "I don't support any system that doesn't serve everyone equally", "i am creating a wourl without borders", "I'm a tory, please don't hate me"

WEIRDEST CONSTITUENT The topless Spaniard in his pants who absorbed all of Gordon's fiery rhetoric, replied "I from Spain" and then started masturbating.

AMOUNT OF PENISES SEEN Six, including some that were only revealed after the conversation was initiated, which can only be a good sign.

DAVID CAMERON

SHORTEST CHAT Half a second.

LONGEST CHAT Two minutes and 14 seconds.

WHAT DAVID SAID David tried several of his best lines. As with the election, he often opened with a strong "We can't go on like this", sometimes throwing down a reassuring "We're all in this together" or a "Fire up the Quattro, I'm ready for change". When conversations threatened to go pear-shaped, he'd chip in with the old standby "I met a black man in Plymouth", often to no avail.

WHAT CHATROULETTE SAID "FUCK YOU!", "cool XD", "CLEGG FTW!!!", "No surrender", "I love you baby", "törki".

Rotating head man

WEIRDEST CONSTITUENT This man, who silently listened to all of David Cameron's soundbites while slowly rotating his head through a number of increasingly intricate kaleidoscopic patterns.

AMOUNT OF PENISES SEEN Five, although the bulk of them clicked "Discontinue" almost immediately after seeing his face.

NICK CLEGG

SHORTEST CHAT Half a second.

LONGEST CHAT One minute and 36 seconds.

WHAT NICK SAID Despite being described as "Churchillian" by one Sunday newspaper, Nick Clegg could barely get a word in with his constituents. Although his "I don't think that any politician deserves your trust" would often pique interest, more broadly aspirational soundbites like "I want to turn anger into hope, frustration into ambition and recession into opportunity" and "We can do something new; we can do something different this time" tended to fall on deaf ears. Nick didn't even get to call any of the voters by their first names.

WHAT CHATROULETTE SAID "I agree nigga", "Clegg? You like him?", "Wtf?", "Yeah, true", "I want you to show me your cock".

WEIRDEST CONSTITUENT Not a constituent so much as video of selected performances from Verdi's La Traviata. That said, Nick enjoyed the performances greatly, and his visible enthusiasm for the music didn't go unnoticed.

AMOUNT OF PENISES SEEN Seven. One was admittedly flaccid, but the best show of them all.

THE RESULT

Each candidate had a lot going for them. Gordon Brown engaged a lot more voters with his rhetoric, Cameron was the only contestant to receive a declaration of outright love while Clegg – as we've already pointed out – turned out to be something of a penis-magnet. Judging by these outcomes, we're headed for a hung parliament, which is probably the kind of parliament that Chatrouletters enjoy most, the perverts.