How Much Have I Shit In My Life?

And Is It More Than Jesus Crapped? Finally, someone (me) has had the balls, intelligence, education, good looks, huge cock and determination it takes to tackle life's fundamental questions. First I bravely chronicle all my shit in 2009 and now I give the world the gift of being able to calculate how much they've shit. This will definetly silence all those who question if my great abilities and genius level intelligence are properly focused. To figure out your, a friend's, the president's, the pope's, George Washington's or Hitler's total amount crapped in life, use the below calculator. Butt (get it? Holy prolapsed rectums that's good) please, this is for education and entertainment purposes only. Absolutely no wagering. Fecestimator First Crap: January February March April May June July August September October November December 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Last Crap: January February March April May June July August September October November December 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Daily Crap Length: 6 inches 7 inches 8 inches 9 inches 10 inches 11 inches 12 inches 13 inches 14 inches 15 inches 16 inches Avg. Crap Diameter: 1 inches 1.5 inches 2 inches 2.5 inches Crap Bouyancy: 0% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% Floaters Sinkers Crapulate Shit Totals: George Washington Jesus Christ Martin Luther King, Jr. Adolf Hitler Andre The Giant Mother Teresa Mama Cass Mohammed Princess Diana Shitmit Let this insightful page also be the answer to any snot-nosed, retarded, lazy 8th grader who raises that cliched question 'Oh come, on, when will we ever use geometry?'. Guess what Tubby? Without Euclid's work I may have never been able to give the world the gift of being able to accurantely calculate how many miles, gallons and tons of shit someone produced in their life. While your thanks, undying adulation, cash and nudie pics of your grandmothers (jason@porkjerky.com) is gratitude enough for me; for your own concious, feel free to use the following link to nominate me for a Nobel Prize (physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, peace or economics--honestly they all apply) or this link for my much deserved MacArthur Genius Grant.