Anybody who knows me can tell you that I'm a tit man. Tits, tits, tits, I love tits. All kinds of tits. So when Don Barris (one of my costars from Windy City Heat) called me up out of nowhere and told me VICE wanted The Big Three to cover a fashion show, I immediately knew that it would be a good chance to see some real nice fucking tits (even though Don always calls and expects me to drop everything that I'm doing and I fuckin' hate this bald prick for treating me this way for over eleven years now, but he promised me that the models were going to be strippers and celebrities like the Hilton twins so I wasn't pissed at him anymore because, I'm sure you'll agree, that sounds like a regular fucking tit-fest—and it was).

Always remember this tip, guys: If you wanna meet the SEXIEST CHICKS ON THE PLANET, come to one of these fashion shows. The chicks here are not your local-grocery-store-type women. I used to work in a grocery store for a lot of years, and unless your local grocery store is filled with totally hot chicks with the best tits around, you won't see the type of girls I saw at this fashion show. I'm not talking about just any chick with two arms, two legs, and hair. I mean a firm fox with a C-cup, D-cup, or DD-cup. Now I love ALL women, but to me a real woman is one with C-cup titties or better. I can appreciate cute little titties, though, and either way, models never have a cottage-cheese ass and they are always SHAVED. Everyone knows that. I am shaved too.

I only watched the show for a little while. Don and Mole (my other costar in WHC and the #3 in The Big Three) kept telling me that I should meet some of the models, so I started going up to girls and giving them my business card and telling them who I am. I met up with so many women with so many tits, and they even told me their names and I wrote them down. There were just way too many to mention, but trust me, they were all perfect tens with huge titties and no fucking cellulite. There was this one young lady who was Oriental and DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS. She congratulated me on the film, but only problem was I didn't get her name. Honey, if you read this, do me the biggest favor. Write to this magazine and tell them you'd like to hook up. They'll get your name and number to me. That is, if you would like to meet, because I wanna take you in my arms and show you what it's like to be with the sexiest Italian Stallion you'll ever meet.

For more information on this genius, take a deep breath and Google "Windy City Heat."