To be able to understand that which Buddha teaches, the first task is to concentrate on yourself. You must be aware of your reactions to that which happens to you.

As you begin to investigate yourself and your reactions, you will realise that much is dependent on your situation. Everyone reacts, all these reactions intermingle to create situations.

When you realise that you are just one aspect of a multi-faceted, causal chain, the chain itself becomes more informative. Everything but you becomes your focus, or rather, your focus becomes more encompassing.

If you are looking outwards, rather than inwards, the interior becomes significantly less important.

You can see the world as it is, rather than how you perceive it.

I write this piece, not to force my view on anyone. I don’t wish to tell people how to live. I wish to pass on experience and wisdom, of a sort, for those who want to receive it. If you don’t want it, or agree with it, that is more than fine. These are elements of truths that sparked inspiration in me, that highlighted a set of truths outside those I was preconditioned with. Even if you don’t follow my path, I’m letting you know there are others. I have a recipe that works for me, you will have one that works for you.

I spent much of my life in relative privilege. My parents did everything within their power to provide a comfortable life for me. I was able to finish secondary, further and higher education. I was bought many instruments, videogames, computers & toys. I rarely saw suffering in my life, luxury, comfort and pleasure played bigger roles. I was an only child and was often told by my loving grandmother that I am ‘the best boy in the world, even when you’re naughty’. Some amount of entitlement was unavoidable, I was spoiled. In a family of brothers and sisters, I stood out as an individual. As I entered my teens, sex became increasingly important. I had a lot of sex, with a lot of people. I’m not particularly proud of this and I say it not to brag, just to show that pleasure at my behest. I drank, I did drugs and I embraced hedonism.

As I grew older, I was told of the beauty of the wider world. The world outside the palace walls, outside of me. There was beauty, but there was also homeless men, begging on the street. Winters had taken their toll, they were in ill health. Their voices broken and jagged, their clothes tattered and torn. When my grandmother had a stroke, I saw a woman who looked dead. I saw that the body decays, that time will destroy all things. When my grandfather died, I saw and felt the anguish his passing had created. Death was everywhere, yet it had jumped upon me. I began to truly realise that I will die, my family will die and my friends will die. All things will die, all things share the same fate, annihilation. This filled me with nihilistic dread. I cut myself off from a frightening world, full of inevitable suffering. I developed social anxiety disorder and my bipolar kicked into overdrive. Fierce, silent introspection vs. zealous, needy declarations of emotions.

The passions I had felt, the education I had received and the hedonism faded as they appeared superficial and temporary. There is no permanence in the world, so why bother? I tried to surround myself with happy, chipper people. Those who could ignore these things, those who carried on regardless. I thought their ignorant happiness would intoxicate me, but it left me feeling estranged from them. I couldn’t understand how they could be happy when suffering was everywhere. So, I took myself away and reflected on the impermanence of life, the inevitable suffering and the reality of my own impending death. Running away from it wouldn’t work, so confronting it might.

I stopped taking care of myself. I barely cleaned myself, I barely shaved, I barely moved and I gave no heed to my body. I would rarely eat and if I did, it was badly. I dedicated myself to inflicting pain on myself, trying to allow my mind to take the flak. All I had done is reverse the trend. I became an incredibly intense and tense person to be around. All my self-torture had done is exhaust me. I’d investigated all avenues, I’d read widely, I’d tried all hats of for size. I had tasted the delights and I’d focussed only on the suffering. So, what now?

I stopped and accepted both. I allowed myself to be aware of my pleasure and my suffering, but detached myself from them. I was giving them power by investing in them. I now retained the power, passively, objectively viewing situations. No judgement, just observation. I cannot change the weather, nor can I change the world. I can put up an umbrella though. It can’t rain all the time, but it will rain again. I will get caught in it, the sun will break through the clouds. The cycle will continue. The cycle will always continue.

The weather cycle is dependent on various factors. Humidity, wind, temperature and sea level. Our lives are much like this. The cycle will always continue, but our actions within the cycle will affect it. This is Karma. What we put out, we will receive. If we react egocentrically to someone else, they will in turn be egocentric. If we are compassionate, they will be compassionate in return. All situations are caused by previous actions. If I react in a way to protect myself, I will be thinking about myself and only myself. This is based on some shaky ground though. I have a concept of who I am, but if I investigate that, it quickly falls apart.

Two years ago, I would have described myself as Marxist, a student, straight and a man. I wouldn’t any more. I understand marxism and see it’s practicalities, but don’t have blind faith in it. I finished University. I was lying to myself about my open sexuality, suppressing it to fit in and I recognise myself only a human, with a penis. Even a day ago, long-held beliefs I attributed to myself have shifted dramatically. Everything about a person can change in a moment, so to defend that is a losing battle. Trying to maintain security and permanence in a world that is insecure and impermanent. EVERYTHING IS TRANSIENT.

We are stuck in the mechanical process, the fictional cycle of our ego. I can change my name, my dreams change from month to month, my memories are faulty, affected by mood and can be disproven by other’s testimony. My thoughts will shift near-constantly and my emotions are unpredictable. The skeleton upon which my ego rests is illusory and superficial, as is my ego. It only exists because I place stock in it. With this realisation, there is no more more to defend, no truth to find, no struggle to be the best me I can be.



I am a raindrop who has fallen into an ocean.

Being a raindrop is scary. It’s full of insecurity and separateness. Falling into the ocean is even scarier. But it shouldn’t be. It’s become bigger, it’s seeing more and it’s experiencing everything. Because we concentrate so much on being the raindrop, we chase happiness and exclude suffering. Happiness exists, but our anxiety to constantly have it within our grasp is what causes suffering. We must be happy before we die, we MUST. This ruins any chance of peace. What we think are answers, are just more problems. They cycle continues. We see illness and death as betrayals or a rumour. It happens to other people and if it’s happens to me, the universe HATES me. These untruths prevent us from facing suffering as it is. As something that will always happen, something that is propelled by our avoidance of it. We only see half of life. Life without death is superficial and meaningless. Life IS death. From the moment we are born, cells die and replicate a finite amount of times. We are born to die. Dying is merely becoming part of the bigger picture again.

With this understanding and acceptance of death as part of life, I was free to concentrate on the now. Rather than worrying about a past which no longer exists or a future that exists only in my mind, I can experience the universe truly, in the now. It allows freedom. A big part of this ability is pushed by meditation. Simply stopping, sitting, concentrating on your breath and taking everything in. No focus or attention on anything but your breath. Things will come to mind, they always do. Allow them in, observe and refocus on the breath. Our thoughts and fantasies are that which creates the illusion of the separate self, exhausts us and blocks the direct, now experience of the world around us. Meditation helps alleviate these problems. Meditation is about giving your mind and body space to breathe. It allows your brain to break through the surface of the water, beneath the ripples on the surface and into the still, quiet space beneath.

From this place of awareness of body, your mind is filled with your existence in the now. But, it is always temporary. Suffering is inevitable, at all it’s levels. The trick is to accept it, to view it objectively and to continue through it. Suffering, and our reluctance to accept it, causes us anxiety. It always will, but if you can accept that happiness is always possible, balance can be found. Meditation is not a cure, as you are not ill. You’re disoriented. Past and future take our minds out of current reality. Our fight or flight mechanisms are tested constantly by our emotionally intense pasts. Which in turn create illusions of futures that are not real. We then misjudge the now, as we are perceiving it through past or future eyes. A real Lion is more dangerous than a Lion in your head. Ignoring the one in front of you is a folly, especially to be looking behind because a tabby cat once walked behind you and spooked you.

Meditation is important to retrain your mind to the now, because it 'narrows the path’. It gives you a very specific set of stimuli to respond to. Breath, external noises & posture. Your thoughts become largely secondary and you react immediately. Beyond this is simple awareness, a fuller type of thought can begin to take place. Your brain will search for more stimulus to gain attention. You’ll dismiss certain things and deeper things will be presented. Many times I have been so aware of my body and breath that my brain will throw some really interesting things out to gain my attention. Some times I’ve been dragged into those topics, but with a detachment that has allowed an objective and illuminating viewpoint to be taken. Other times I’ve ignored them and visual images have occurred in my mind space, usually very pretty, complex or interesting concepts. Much the same with music. Melodies and compositional ideas have popped up. I make note of the information, don’t probe any further and refocus on my breath. Each thought is more complex, yet fainter. Until a stillness will come over me. I’ll no longer be aware of my thoughts, my mind and barely my skin. I will have separated myself from everything and for a moment or so, I’m free. It’s deeply relaxing and liberating. With this egoless, serene freedom, I will react to situations with alarming efficiency. Harm is minimised, compassion is automatic & intuition is hugely boosted.

In this mindset, I want others too achieve it. I cannot be sated in my own contentment and peace, others must share this. Being aware of my own suffering is not enough, I must accept and challenge others suffering. I come across as pessimistic and cynical, but I am showing people suffering to ease it. To break them from their comfort, for even the briefest moment, so they can understand it. So they can be at ease with it. To desensitise them from it. To help them face their fears. I do it not from a place of anger, righteousness or egotism. Instead, it is from a place of compassion. Suffering has taught me much, I have been an eager student of it, as much as I am of happiness. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. This is includes freedom from fear. Fear is what holds us back. Fear is what makes us silent. Fear is what makes us ignorant. Fear is what makes us who we are. Fear is what imprisons us in our egos.

These, however, are just words on a page. I only show you the path because it’s all I can do. I cannot choose your path, I cannot change it. Only you know your path. Only you can walk it. But if you allow yourself to see it, you WILL find it. I am here to hold your hand if you want to cross the rivers dividing us, but it is your decision. I will not offer my hand, but you can ask for it. The only way to be truly compassionate, is to do so spontaneously. Otherwise it becomes trapped in time and eventually egocentric justifications.

Perhaps time is merely the effect of the ego cementing itself. The now is a series of changes that happen on every level, simultaneously. All things will go through change, in fractions of seconds. Condensation on a window, a relative dying, a rock breaking in two after years of weathering, a first hair begins to grow from a babies head, a cancer becomes benign. Yet, we create a solid, apparently unchanging sense of self as everything around us changes. Some things more visible, quicker or apparent than others. Our world is organised in repetition. Jobs, education, routine, meals, rituals and entertainment. But these things are superficial. All things change, all things die, all things are transient. We all know these things, on some level. We wish we didn’t have to work, that schools spoon feed knowledge, that routine is mechanical, meals can be eaten whenever, rituals are as meaningful as we believe them to be and that it’s all just remakes, rip-offs and repeats. But we tell ourselves “that’s just the way it is”.



Because it’s safe, secure and constant. A structure, a set of rules. But it’s not. The world is changing constantly, everything is. We all have the key to enlightenment, we all experience it, but we ignore it or reprimand ourselves for being 'unrealistic’ or 'idealistic’. There was a time when cars, computers, men in charge, female vicars and marriage equality weren’t real and only an idea. But they happened. Because everything changes. Everything is transient.



Even me.



Even you.

5:38 pm • 9 February 2015 • 3 notes