| x-entertainment.com | CHICK COMICS THEATER:

THAT CRAZY GUY!

Robert Berry - 12/15/00 As the holidays approach, what better way is there to get closer to God than reading a good wholesome Jack Chick tract. Surprisingly, Jack doesn't Santa Claus or Christmas is evil (no, leave that to the wacky Jehovahs...and I know I won't offend them, since Kingdom Hall says the internet is related to an ancient Druid ritual), so what else is there to do but scare people about AIDS?!? Here's a gem from 1992 called THAT CRAZY GUY! An arrow through the head? Puh-leez! OK, apparently Suzie's dream man is NASCAR legend Richard Petty. Looks like Chick was watching the SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT trilogy before churning out this one. I think Craig looks a bit too old for Suzie, though. Oh well, I guess Chick is going for that Bogdonavich/Stratton type of deal. Of course, you know if you've got to get advice from someone names Ms. DAMIEN , you're headed for trouble for sure. Why would Suzie seek sexual advice from some old hag that hasn't seen a dick since Jesus was alive? Hey, if science has everything under control, you'd think Ms. Damien could do something about her freakish face. Geez, she makes Bea Arthur look good. But then again, so does a lot of gin while Estelle Getty rubs your shoulders with oil, but that's a story for another time. Usually guys who have a "DO IT IN THE DIRT!" license plate frame, aren't really going to be there for you in the long run. Frankly, I'm disappointed that we didn't get to see Suzie in action here, she's surprisinngly well drawn for a Chick comic character, it's a shame that we don't to reap the benefits of some hot Christian porn. In fact there's way too much happening "off camera" on this page. What exactly did Craig give her that burns down there so bad? With as disgusted as she sounds, it must be that weird new Vibrating Furby Soldering Iron that Tiger Electronics is trying to push for Christmas this year. What kind of spray is she using, that new LYSOL with AIDSATROL? Boy, that Ms. Damien is pretty contradictory, though. First she tells her to live it up and try anything, and now she's telling Suzie that she tried to warn her. What gives? OHHHHHHH I get it, Chick is trying to show you that she was two-faced and can't be trusted. Such clever characterization I haven't seen since Shakespeare! Wow, that Dr. really inspires hope, eh? You're dying and there's no cure. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! If that virus is so small and elusive, I'm surprised this guy's even talking to her. Who did he get to touch her, if rubber gloves don't even stop it? The Doc says that his gloves are made out of the same latex that condoms are. That would explain those freaky ribbed pink fingers with french ticklers on the tips. And what the hell is a SEXOLOGIST anyway, and where on earth did 800 of them get together? My guess is the Playboy Mansion. Boy, one minute Suzie's scared about dying, and now she's calmly making references to passing out condoms like candy. What a trooper! So what does God say about blood transfusions in The Bible? If god cared so much about protecting folks from VD back in The Old Testament days, why didn't he just make everyone really ugly? So by that logic, is AIDS more powerful than God? Boy this Dr. is just the epitome of compassion. "You'll soon face something far worse than AIDS!" He must be ready to show her the entire first season of BLOSSOM. Wow, when that doctor stands in front of that big black circle, he looks kind of like James Bond, doesn't he? You know, maybe it's just this 3rd glass of brandy I'm drinking tonight but Suzie's starting to look pretty damn hot right about now. That hot dirty puckered mouth of hers is just begging for attention! Wait...what am I thinking? That's not me talking, it's THE DEVIL! From that dark, horrible, unspeakable place. STATEN ISLAND! Man alive, if Jesus wanted Suzie that bad, couldn't he have just slipped a friendly Chick tract to her instead of giving her AIDS to make her salvation clear? I love the footnote, "for more on helping teens, see STAIRWAY TO HELL!" Yeah, that sounds like a winning inspirational book. Well, I can't wait for Jack Chick's follow up comic, "UGLY GIRLS GIVE YOU COOTIES!" - Robert Berry

rberryxx@pacbell.net

