A Charleston man is under arrest this morning after police determined he was operating a craft brewery without a beard. Adam Hawkins was swarmed by the SWAT team and placed into custody, where he’ll be deprived of a razor, forced to wear hipster clothing, and ride a beach cruiser bicycle until he’s ready to operate his brewery under the proper codes.

Adam’s craft brewery opened its doors only seven days ago before word of his criminal behavior began to spread. In addition to violating the Charleston brew master code by being showered and shaven every day to greet customers, his brewery was also built without a trust fund. Other local brewers immediately notified authorities and a sting was planned once sufficient evidence of the violations was gathered.

Charleston Police Chief Tim Nagen was disturbed by the severity of the crime. “We’ve never seen such a blatant attempt to violate local beer laws,” he said. “Not only did he not have a beard, but he wasn’t wearing a V-neck t-shirt either. How audacious can you be?”

Adam was confused by his arrest. “I just wanted to create simple beers people would enjoy,” he said. “I’m being punished for not being like everyone else and brewing a caramel macchiato turbo stout that’s been tripled hopped by a street busker, infused with local sustainable bacon, then fermented in a barrel constructed from the reclaimed wood of a historic church, and stirred with a Malaysian orangutan foot for an Asian essence. What the fuck are you supposed to pair that with?”

Adam will be ordered to grow a beard and perform 80 hours of bar service in his craft brewery’s tasting room, where he’ll roll his eyes when people don’t order fast enough then become irritated when they ask him what a Gose is.







