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It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway – don’t drink and drive tonight, guys. Don’t do it any night, for that matter, but we all know New Years Eve is “amateur’s night”, as my father used to call it, and if you get behind the wheel of a car drunk you are definitely a scumbag. Call a cab, call an Uber, call your brother, or sleep it off in a urine-soaked alleyway, I don’t care, just don’t drink and drive and end up sleeping on a cement cot next to a toilet while your face is plastered all over Turtleboy tomorrow. Because I won’t be nice. I do hope we have a deal.

That being said, if you live in or around Plymouth, Turtleboy and the cops aren’t the only thing you’d have to worry about, anyway. Because while the rest of the world is out having a good time ringing in the New Year, Deputy Debbie Downer over here is going to be prowling the bar parking lots for potential drunk drivers so she can waste precious police resources on the one of the top drinking holidays of the year.

No thanks, Neda. If we need someone to prowl the parking lots in search of Xanax bars and 23 year virgins with a Mrs. Robinson fantasy, you look like you’re probably the one for the job.

But as far as field sobriety tests go, I think we’ll just leave that to the professionals, OK? Because from the looks of it, the only breathalyzer you’d even have access to is if you have one wired into your car’s ignition. Seriously. The cops have this under control and no one is impressed. Furthermore, who is “us”? You, your cats and a couple boxes of Franzia? Will you all be in uniform? Do you get a hall monitor pass or something for this? How are you going to tell who’s too drunk to drive? Judging from your caps locks enthusiasm and general appearance, I don’t know that I trust your expertise on the matter.

Stay home, Buzzkillington. Your post has accomplished nothing here outside of possibly causing some brain cancer and mortifying your adult children.

For everyone else out there – be safe, have fun, and if you see this face lurching towards you in the darkness of the Applebee’s parking lot come midnight, don’t panic.

It’s not Ozzy Ozborne, it’s just some self-righteous cougar who needs to find a hobby in 2020.