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“If I had a pint or two they would have had some chance,” Kerry politician Danny Healy-Rae exclaimed, exiting his battered, blood spattered car after an early morning demonstration on the dangers of “sober driving” in his local constituency.

Emergency crews at the scene confirmed 3 people dead and 6 seriously injured after Mr. Healy-Rae took to the pavement in his 172 Mercedes SUV in Kilgarvan village at 9:15am, as part of his ongoing campaign to stop a total driving ban on drink driving.

Reacting to a new road safety campaign that claims 11% of fatal crashes involving alcohol take place between 7am and 11am, the 63-year-old pointed out that he hadn’t drank in several days, yet managed to wipe out 3 people in a matter of seconds, totally debunking decades of detailed analysis by several organisations, including the Road Safety Authority and the Garda Síochána Forensic Collision Investigation department.

“I bet they won’t subtract this statistic from the number of drunk driving deaths,” Healy-Rae proudly pointed out, now ordering emergency crews to leave the mangled corpses ‘as a deterrent to other sober drivers’, “what we have here is a prime example of sober driving and how dangerous it actually is not to have a pint or two before going behind the wheel”.

Mr Healy-Rae went on to say that any change in the current drink-driving legislation would have an impact on people in rural Ireland, as they could lose their job or not be able to take their children to school.

“You can’t expect parents to be sober with kids in the car,” Healy-Rae said, now yanking what appeared to be skull fragments from his front grill, “We don’t have the Dart or taxis in rural Ireland.

“What do you want publicans to do down here, hire a bus for their customers out of their own pockets?” the publican, politician and multi-million euro construction business owner concluded.