I can’t function if I’m not wearing earrings. This sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s not, and while I don’t have a scientific explanation I swear it is the case. The way I feel about earrings is the way some women feel about lipstick. One morning at the last Paris fashion week, I was up early to write so I left my earrings (brass, enormous) to one side, intending to put them on just before I set off for the first show. And then, of course, I was in a rush and ran out of the room, and was halfway to the Chloé show before I realised I was bare-lobed and when I did, I felt my blood run cold. I sat tugging my hair down over cheeks to hide that I wasn’t wearing earrings. Which sounds pretty bizarre, now I write it down.

So I am both the best and the worst person to tell you about earrings. The best because there is not a lot I haven’t considered; the worst because I probably overthink them. Still, I am definitely not alone in earring obsession. They are one of modern life’s great talking points. When you tell a woman that you like her dress or her hair – especially in front of other people – she is likely to get flustered and bat the compliment awkwardly away. But an earring compliment is cordial, rather than either intimate or fawning, and therefore easier to receive in a gracious fashion. Also, it marks out the person asking as someone observant, who notices the detail, not just the dress. Plus, she probably bought her earrings somewhere that she wants to tell you about, whether it’s the perfect market stall by the harbour on a Greek island last year (to make you jealous) or Tu by Sainsbury’s. It’s all good.

Jewellery is often about sentiment or status, but earrings right now are all about style and chat. In fashion a “conversational” print, on a blouse or a dress, is one with recognisable elements – a watermelon, a flamingo – and conversational earrings are the same. (My current favourites are ceramic lemons I bought in Sicily and cacti from Freedom at Topshop.) Abstract ones, which hang like little Mirós, are a little more aloof, less chatty: a different vibe. Of course, you don’t need to stick to one style at a time. A mismatched pair adds extra fashion content, like wearing lace socks with sandals or tying a silk scarf to your handbag, but symmetry can have plenty of impact if the scale is right. By which I mean, if your earrings are big enough. Right now, the rule with earrings is go big, or go home. Literally, that is: if you haven’t got big earrings on, go home and get some.

• Jess wears earrings, £19, finery.com. Dress, £42, warehouse.co.uk. Leopard heels, £120, dune.co.uk

Styling: Melanie Wilkinson. Hair and makeup: Claire Ray at Carol Hayes Management