Aries: All things come in waves. The tides of the world ebb and flow, bringing as much as they take. You are in for a wave of stonefruit.

Taurus: The highway to the danger zone is paved with good intentions.

Gemini: Inspiration will abandon you when you need it most. Routine will always stay by your side if you beat it into submission.

Cancer: When you and your potential romance meet, sparks will fly as your claymore meets the circular saws that have replaced their hands.

Leo: The sunken eyed humanoid thing thats been watching you from the sewers is afraid of conflict, and will leave you alone if you throw stuff at it.

Virgo: Worried about not having enough knives? Put in some work beforehand, and make yourself a knife suit.

Libra: Today while out on a hike you will find an abandoned mine with a lit oil lamp that glows an unnatural blue. Don’t touch it.

Scorpio: See how much cereal you can make before the manager of the grocery store calls the cops.

Ophiuchus: Prepare for an odd day as one of the fake decorative bananas you have on your dining room table begins to ring.

Sagittarius: Everyone has things about their life they don’t like. Try fixing the parts you want to improve by hitting them several times with a wrench.

Capricorn: A surefire way to check whether or not something is really there, is to take a picture of it.

Aquarius: When I asked the stars for your fortune they brought me an old tire. I think its for you.

Pisces: The angel’s back. The beating of wings in the night was the sound of it feeding. Try not to leave your bed when you hear that.