BRIDGETOWN, BARBADOS — Celebrated performer and “pride of Barbados” Rihanna has announced a song to coincide with the release of the upcoming sci-fi epic Star Trek Beyond. “Sledgehammer” will feature prominently on the film’s soundtrack and may include vocals by the Barbadian beauty. Sources indicate the video may also include extended scenes from the forthcoming film. As amazing as that sounds, it gets even more interesting for fans of tentpole releases.

Rihanna, who is known for her business savvy and breakthrough media deals, issued a thinly veiled threat to fans of competing film franchise Star Wars as well as lovers of good music in general.

(Translated from Barbadian patois)

“Ya ya ya ya ya if semi semi Sledgehammer dont sell well, i’ma ima sing a song with Vader, der, der. Put it on da Rogue One ya ya ya.”

FSW’s resident linguist confirms that Rihanna is holding a potential Death Star music single over the heads of sci-fi fans everywhere. Should the singer-actress-model-muse-naked-person-in-music-videos not see digital downloads of her “Sledgehammer” single exceed 100,000 there will be hell to pay; Rihanna will release a song on the Rogue One: A Star Wars Story soundtrack and appear as Darth Vader in the music video.

As responsible Star Wars fans and members of several church choirs, we will do our part to save Rogue One from further damnation. Please join us in downloading Rihanna’s Star Trek single, “Sledgehammer,” and hopefully saving the galaxy from an even greater evil.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo