Freeman's Mind is a machinima science fiction and comedy series by Ross Scott, created with Valve's Half-Life and parodying the inner thoughts of its silent protagonist, physicist Gordon Freeman.

Episode 1 [ edit ]

Freeman: [first lines] Aw, jeez, I'm running late...

Freeman: [seeing Barney Calhoun banging on a locked door] Ahh, I'm not the only one who's late! SUCKER! Ha ha! Train Intercom: The time is 8:47 AM. Freeman: Shit, I didn't know I was that late! Oh, man. 8:47. I am so dead.

Train Intercom: In the event of an emergency, passengers are to remain seated and await further instructions. Disabled personnel should be evacuated first. Please stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives. Freeman: Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not going to say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough I might climb out the window here and pull some hang-time on the electrified tram rail. That kind of reminds me of that squirrel that got caught between the power lines one day back at MIT. The thing caught on fire and got fused to the wires, which caused a transformer to blow up and knock out the power to all of campus. That squirrel must have cost the university at least ten thousand dollars. That was a good day.

Freeman: [seeing a radioactive spill] Hey, what's that green crap? What is this? Jesus Christ, look at this place! This is a disaster! That's gotta be toxic. God, the EPA is gonna tear us apart if they find out about that! Well, I'm not saying anything. I don't want to get called into court as a witness once the cat gets out of the bag.

Episode 2 [ edit ]

Freeman: [arriving late at work] Okay... keep against the wall and just walk straight past the front desk. Don't make eye contact, just walk... WALK! Guard: Hey, Mr. Freeman. Freeman: Dammit! Guard: I had a bunch of messages for you, but we had a system crash about twenty minutes ago, and I'm still trying to find my files. Just one of those days, I guess. Freeman: I was so close!

Freeman: In that case, let me show you what a genius I am and look at your computer. Scientist: Let me help you. Freeman: Shut up. Let's see... Wait a minute. This is a Windows blue screen. And you're typing on it like you know what you're doing. You're not doing anything. You're just looking busy. That's your whole job, isn't it? Just lookin' busy. Look, you have to re-boot it. Where's the reset button, is this it? [presses button, causing a siren to ring and lights to flash] Scientist: My God, what are you doing? Freeman: Well that's not it. Guard: C'mon, Gordon. You tryin' to get me into trouble? Freeman: OK, you can all go to hell if you're gonna act like that. See if I ever do anything nice for you again. Because I wont! Scientist: As I expected... Freeman: What was that? You tryin' to say something about me? [pause] Man, I'll kill you. Pricks.

Freeman: Wait a second. Did I just see what I think I saw? Yup, I sure did. Newton's formula for Gravitational Force. Having trouble remembering that guys?! What are we in high school now?! My department is working on Quantum Displacement! Just what the heck are you guys doin'? Jerkin' around in lab coats by the looks of things! I just can't believe it. Those monkeys in there are having trouble learning about gravity, whereas I can recite the Quantum Chromodynamic Gauge Invariant Lagrangian in my sleep! There is no justice.

Episode 3 [ edit ]

Freeman: [riding an elevator] I have to say, though, working in an underground laboratory is pretty cool. It kind of makes me feel like I'm an evil scientist. I always wanted to be an evil scientist. Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA! [elevator stops] Okay, I better chill out. I don't want a repeat of Monday.

Freeman: Does my beard intimidate you? [on beeping eye scanners] Ahh, stop that noise! [enters test chamber] I hate that! It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock with flashing lights on either side of me, then I realize- I'm in hell! It's all crap, anyway. The only reason we have those scanners is because they caught me playing racquetball in here once. [prepares to spit in the anti-mass spectrometer] Eh, better not.

Freeman: It's times like this I remember why I became a physicist: To show antimatter particles who's boss!! YEAH!!

[as Freeman prepares to insert the sample] Scientist 1: [in observation booth] Wh-what is he doing in there?! Freeman: [stopping] Huh? Scientist 2: Nothing you need to worry about, Gordon, heh... That's it, go ahead. Freeman: Yeah. Wouldn't want to take the blinders off the horse, now would you? Whatever. [Green explosion as sample is inserted] Freeman: Oh, God! What'd I do? What- what did I do? Scientist 2: Gordon, get away from the beam! Scientist 3: Shutting down... Attempting shutdown... I- It's not- Its not shutting down- It's... [Explosions intensify] Freeman: No, no, no, this is not good! [runs to door] Let me out of here! Open the door! Scientist 3: AAAAAHHH!!! [beam kills scientists in the observation booth] Freeman: Open the door, you bastards! Aagh, I HATE YOU! This is a BAD EXPERIMENT! We are BAD PEOPLE! Why did we usher forth the GREEN APOCALYPSE?! [flash to black] What is this? What happened? Am I dead? I don't feel dead. If this is what it's like being dead then being dead sucks! [return to chamber] Oh, shit! That's the ceiling! WHERE IS MY HELMET?! [flash to Xen] What the fuck?! [flash to Vortigaunts] Who are you? No! I don't wanna be a schizophrenic! [fade to black] Oh my God, this is crazy in a box with a side order of fries!

Episode 4 [ edit ]

Freeman: [waking up from the Test Chamber explosion] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no—huh? Ah! Ahaha! Ha! I'm not in Crazy Land anymore! Man, that was weirder than the time I was awake for four days straight and thought my house was being invaded by frog people. And the door's open now! Man, I'm on a roll! Murphy's Law can suck it! [spots a body on the floor.] Oh, hell. Is that guy dead? Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a...normal doctor! I wonder if he was trying to open the door for me. I'd feel like an asshole then. What am I saying? They're the ones who locked me into this tomb to begin with! If they're not dead already, they're on the list! [presses a button to open the next door, which just beeps at him] Huh. Yeah, very funny. Come on, door, open up. [tries it again, with the same result] Dammit, what a tease! I already made it past those thick-ass blast doors, which that guy died for, only to be stopped by this useless second door! This is bullshit! [presses the button once more] I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes ordering you to open! [door opens] Yes! [door closes] No! [door opens and closes randomly] Shit! Uh...don't kill me! [runs through door]

Freeman: [Greeting two scientists after the disaster] Hey, hey! Boy, we really fucked up this time huh?

Freeman: [walking through the ruins of Black Mesa] Man, you can just smell the money burning in this place...

Freeman: I hate computers! Why do they always blow up when I use them?

Scientist: A failure of this magnitude is extremely improbable. Freeman: Well that's why we have insurance!

Freeman: Is that guy not even coming? What a hoser! When I'm in charge, I'll make sure he stays at the bottom of the corporate ladder.

Freeman: [after a headcrab materializes before him] Oh God, one of them's loose. Um, I can't turn back...okay, I can do this. [headcrab advances] I am a matador. I fearlessly— [headcrab attacks, Gordon runs away] Ah, Jesus! Shit! Fuck! Piss! Those things bite! Damn it! I'm starting to feel pretty naked here without a weapon. I've been meaning to take kung fu lessons for years now because I knew there'd be a day like today and I would be ready. But I kept putting it off, and here I am, totally unprepared and not knowing kung fu! Procrastination has failed me yet again.

Freeman: Hey is that a crowbar? Oh my God, this is friggin' perfect! [picks up crowbar] Now I can beat the snot out of people! Oh boy, I can't wait to get back to the lobby! They'll be like: 'Freeman! We thought you were dead!' And I'll be like: 'You thought WRONG!' POW!! Ok, time to bring on the pain!

Freeman: [reading] "Do not use elevators." [pushes button; elevator plunges by with two screaming scientists on board] Oh shit, they weren't kidding! [elevator crashes] Freeman: Oh, jeez, what do I do? The door won't open... [smashes glass door with crowbar] What should I do? I guess, uh...SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOU! Oh, man...I hope at least they were jerks!

Episode 5 [ edit ]

Freeman: Oh, man, another body. You know, normally following a trail of dead bodies covered in blood is a sign that you're going the wrong way!

Freeman: [encountering a locked door] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'm gonna sue the hell out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist factory did! Locked its workers in, then there was a fire, then everybody died! That's a formula for success. Damn it! We're making history right now - crap history! [smashes console with crowbar, door opens] What? Ha ha! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems that I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is!

Freeman: Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me! I was in the chamber in freaking ground zero and I'm still here! Yet you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh. Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings.

Episode 6 [ edit ]

[Houndeye teleports in front of Freeman] Freeman: No. [shoots it] Man, come on! That teleported out of freaking nowhere! Maybe I was hasty shooting it. It might have been an ambassador. Okay, if I see another one, I'll listen to what it has to say. [Second houndeye rounds a corner] Speak of the devil. [Houndeye unleashes sonic attack] Fuck! [shoots it] It's the same story every time - you give people the benefit of the doubt, and they try to kill you! That's what I get for being nice. [encounters group of houndeyes] Oh, here we go. [shoots] Suck on this, you jumping boogers!

[After teleporting in, something begins pounding its way through a metal door] Freeman: I'm guessing I'm not gonna like what's behind door number one, here. [Vortigaunt bashes its way through] Freeman: I was right! [Vortigaunt zaps Gordon before being shot] God damn, that hurts! Okay, that's it. It's official. All aliens are bastards! Especially you! And you! Hold still! [Shoots a headcrab.] Nice! That was a pretty good shot. Not so tough, now that I've got a gun, are ya?

Freeman: [On his inability to climb back out of a drainage pipe] Damn. White men in armored hazmat suits can't jump.

Freeman: [Starts a lift] Whoa, train's leaving the station, all aboard. [A pair of headcrabs jump on.] No, not you! You don't have a ticket!

Freeman: Whoa, what was that? [Headcrabs fall down beside him, and he readies the crowbar.] Batter up. Strike one! Strike two! Strike...ah, it's raining men! I mean aliens! Why is this taking so long? I could fall faster than this! [Starts smacking headcrabs.] NO! SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR OPINION! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! YOU'RE ALL ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS Now do what you're told and jump in this giant meat-grinder! NO! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! You're all incompetent!

Freeman: [After jumping off an elevator, a houndeye teleports in] Oh that's great! Teleport in more creeps. This place isn't crazy enough! [Walks onto catwalk. Bullsquid teleports in, falls on and breaks catwalk right in front of Freeman] WHAT THE FUCK!?

Episode 7 [ edit ]

[Gordon encounters a collapsed catwalk] Freeman: Hey, a rope! Now I can be Tarzan! [imitates Tarzan yell, sees the "rope" belongs to a barnacle] Freeman: Hey, wait, that's not a rope! These are, like, jellyfish or something. If I swung on that, it could come crashing down on me. These aliens are just good for nothing. [jumps off catwalk, lands on a crate] Freeman: These crates are good for something. That one just broke my fall. That means aliens are worth less than crates! Which is, what, a few bucks?

Freeman: Wow. I wasn't expecting this. This must be our box-smashing room. I mean, what? We have a bottomless pit, and the sides are all plate metal that looks strong enough to withstand a missile blast. This room must have cost a couple hundred thousand to build. Eat your heart out, taxpayers! This is where your money goes!

Freeman: Man, we picked the WRONG contractor to build these catwalks. "El Sleazo's Discount Construction: Bribing building inspectors for over 40 years."

Freeman: Good old New Mexico! We're really making a name for the state. First they invented the atomic bomb at Los Alamos, and now we've invented mean-ass aliens that teleport out of nowhere! I don't know which is worse!

Freeman: When they invented the atomic bomb they were afraid it was going to catch the atmosphere on fire and burn up the whole Earth, but they did it anyway. That took balls. Not us, though. The only people taking the risks were the ones who didn't understand them in the first place. We're not brave, we're just stupid.

Episode 8 [ edit ]

Freeman: Huh. We've got so many dead bodies now, we're hanging them from the ceiling. [Body pulled up out of sight] ...And the ceiling eats them. I guess that works...

Freeman: [spots sign] Ah! "Administrative..." Yeah, no exit! No one leaves here. What's that say? "Work harder, not smarter." Yeah, that's us, all right. We stay the course with stupid.

Freeman: [meandering] This "locked door" thing is getting REAL old.

[pinned down by an automated turret gun] Freeman: Hey, want to be my human shield? Scientist: Shut up! Freeman: Just an idea! [looks around corner] No, just a dead end... maybe I could force him out there if I waved my gun at him. Scientist: Nuhh... Freeman: Shit, did I say that out loud?

Episode 9 [ edit ]

[seeing two scientists enter an air vent] Freeman: Oh, you're doing the vent thing, too, huh? [something unseen pulls the screaming scientists in, body parts fly out] Freeman: Ugh! You dumbasses! You can't go through the fan blades! Some people just have to learn things the hard way. I mean, it only took me one time to learn not to stick your head in a fan.

Freeman: [shooting Headcrabs] How many of you fuckers are there? Do you want me to individually engrave your names on each of my bullets? Is my gun not personal enough for you? I'll kill every last one of you bastards. All I need are bullets. We have a lot of bullets here! EARTH IS A MINERAL-RICH PLANET! I bet yours sucks! It’s probably a swamp planet, with no metal! And if it’s not you belong in a swamp anyway! You should be out killing vacationing college students, not scientists trying to get work done!

Freeman: [after nearly being eaten by a barnacle in the presence of a scientist] What the fuck?! Now I'm covered in blood! My hair... this is gonna jam my gun! [to scientist] And what about you?! Enjoying the show?! Scientist: I just heard a secure-access transmission. Soldiers have arrived, and they're coming to rescue us. Of course, I have my doubts that we'll live long enough to greet them. Freeman: Yeah, thanks for the warning, asshole! I really appreciate how you stood there staring at me, not doing a goddamn thing! You're like a cat watching a mouse die!

Freeman: [approaching a door] Oh! An "Exit" sign! It's about bloody time.

[door is locked]

Freeman: Okay, remain calm...

[bashes door with crowbar, glass doesn't break]

Freeman: Jesus! Okay, we'll take this to the next level.

[gunshot]

Freeman: What the fuck? We installed bulletproof glass in our exit doors? That stuff's not cheap! How retarded are we!? I don't know anymore!

Freeman: Hey, I think that's an exit... [ceiling breaks] Huh? [a barrage of Headcrabs fall on him] Oh my God. THIS WAS NOT APPROVED BY THE COMMITTEE! I'M NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS! [swinging crowbar violently] NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! [after killing all Headcrabs] Well, I can understand how some people can't get enough of me, but it's for their own good, really.

Episode 10 [ edit ]

Freeman: [after drinking coffee from previous episode] Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth.

Freeman: [to running scientist] Hey, where's the party? [Headcrab leaps past him] Oh, God! Okay, lead the way. Where are we going? WHAT?! You're going to hide in the corner? Are you five years old? [shoots pursuing Bullsquid] Man, now I'm almost out of bullets. Are you happy? Because I'm not. You know what? You can stay in the corner. You've earned it. I'm gonna come back with a dunce cap for you, and you're gonna wear it.

Freeman: [after being attacked by a bullsquid] Yeah, that's right. Just puke on my suit. It doesn't matter anymore. It's already got blood all over it. Most of it's not even my blood - it's from the other alien that puked on me. I'm probably carrying a few blood-borne diseases on my suit. I'm a walking CDC nightmare. It makes me want to hug someone.

Freeman: OH GOD! Oh, man. I thought I almost fell for that turret gun again. Because this stairway looks exactly like that other one.

[having recently acquired a shotgun] Freeman: I need to find some more stuff to shoot. Shooting the dead bodies would look cool, but I don't want to get that stuff on me. Oh, what about that locked door? I'll make a new door with this baby. Call me Ali Baba. Open sesame! [shoots the door three times] Fine, then. Close sesame! Man, three rounds of buckshot point-blank. What the hell? It's like one of those doors from Looney Tunes where they blow up the whole building but the door is still standing. I bet it's locked on both sides and nobody has the key.

[preparing to jump over an elevator shaft to a ladder] Freeman: This, right here, is why you should eat Wheaties in the morning. I guess anything would be better than the two shots of vodka I had. All right, let's do this. [sprints] HOO-ga-sa-ka HOO-ga-sa-ka HOO! [leaps, falls] Oh, shit, oh shit, OH SHIT! [splat] [flatline] HEV: HEV activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Major fracture detected. Internal bleeding detected. Emergency: user death imminent.

Episode 11 [ edit ]

[Gordon encounters an open elevator shaft, with the only ladder up on the opposite side] Freeman: So, my only way out of here is to take some flying leap of faith, like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then claw like a mad cat, and hope like hell I get a grip and don't break my ribs! Once again, I need a grappling hook. I can't believe this. Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator! How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work! Who thought this one up? Jesus Christ! I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not, but, y'know... I'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead. [Gordon jumps to the ladder] Freeman: Oh my God! That was stupid! Why do I keep doing stupid things? Oh my Go—oh, I could have died! Scientist: [dangling from the bottom of a ladder further up the shaft] I-I can't hold on much longer! Freeman: Oh, cry me a river! I just jumped across an elevator shaft onto a ladder and I'm still here! Do I look like Spider-Man to you? No! If I was Spider-Man, I could do that web-flinging crap and be out of here hours ago! The point is, you can learn how to do a pull-up! Although, I'll admit, these ledges suck. [scientist loses his grip] Whoa! You might want to— [scientist falls to his death] Never mind.

Freeman: That shotgun's mine. [Gordon attempts to smash the glass with his crowbar, but finds it is bulletproof] Freeman: Oh, come on! There's extra ammo there and everything! Well, I guess out of the whole facility the security station is the one place that should have bulletproof glass. But still, I could argue I have more need for a shotgun now than any other time in my life... Though it wouldn't be the first time I've said that.

[Gordon finds a dead scientist] Freeman: Why is this guy dead? He wasn't dead a minute ago, he was screaming about silo doors like a possessed farmer.

[Gordon examines a dead soldier] Freeman: So what's the story on this guy? Yup, deader than a dead, dead guy... Is that an MP5? It is! [gasps] Now I can solve up to eight-hundred problems a minute! A submachine gun: it's not just for party tricks. [headcrabs start to teleport in] Freeman: Allow me to demonstrate! [Gordon shoots the headcrabs] Freeman: [cackles] That's right—short, controlled bursts. The candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.

[Gordon encounters a cargo hook] Freeman: All right, is anyone looking? Here we go. [imitates Tarzan yell, swings on hook, headcrab teleports behind him] Oh, come on, why did you have to spoil the moment? You guys have no appreciation for art! [starts shooting] CRITIC!

Freeman: Whoa, this is slick. It's like there's oil mixed in or something? Whoa! Oh, oh, nice! Have another empty elevator shaft for me to slide my ass into after jumping over another trip wire. [jumps laser trip wire, sees more trip wires, turret guns, and two staring scientists] Oh, I see—that was just one stage of trying to kill me. Scientist 1: Hello, there. Freeman: Uh... hi. Little busy here. Don't try to help me, or anything. Nobody does that. Scientist 2: I'll stay here. Freeman: You do that! God, you two are creeping me out. "Come play with us, Gordon. Forever... and ever... and ever..." Scientist 1: Do you know who ate all the donuts? Freeman: The donu—? No! I've got more important things on my mind! [surrounded by a web of trip wires] Okay, this is weird. I'm gonna need a minute to think about this. Scientist 2: Fascinating... I never suspected such things could be. Freeman: Quit staring at me!

Episode 12 [ edit ]

Scientist: Rescued at last! Thank God you're here! Freeman: Ah, yeah, the rescue team! [HECU marine shoots scientist] Freeman: ...Or, um, what? Okay, I can understand shooting someone running at you screaming, but I don't know... this feels shady. Is there another way out of here? I think this guy's in a bad mood. Well... all right, fine, I'll try and go make friends, even though that always ends up the same way. [looks again] See, he's not even trying to plant a gun on him or hide the body. That's a bad sign, like this is just another day of work for him. I'll at least give him some warning, so I don't jump on him. Hey, killer, what's up? [Marine shoots at Gordon] Freeman: Ahh! Diplomacy sucks! [Marine pursues and shoots him] Ow! [Gordon shoots and kills marine] Hey, man, what's your problem?! Why are you shooting everyone? I'm taking this gun away from you, mister! You're obviously not mature enough to handle it! Now you sit there and think about what you've done!

Freeman: So, yeah, I'm killing people now! But that was not murder. It was totally self-defense. Just because I had a submachine gun doesn't change anything. It just lets me defend more efficiently. I haven't murdered anyone—well, not today anyway.

[Gordon encounters a squad of three HECU marines] Freeman: Oh, no. So, are we gonna play nice, or— HECU: Move in! [Gordon guns down the soldiers] Freeman: Nope. Well, looks like my armor is better than yours! And I'll just loot your bodies, 'cause that's how I roll... and that puts me at six or seven counts of self-defense.

Episode 13 [ edit ]

Freeman: [getting to the surface] I'm gonna get so drunk tonight, like, way more than usual. Yeah! It's the surface! PARTY! PAR— [seeing two HECU marines] Dammit! It's the fun police!

Freeman: [fighting HECU marines] I'm on your side, you fucking idiots! How many of you do I have to kill for you to understand that? God damn, you're stupid! You're like a bunch of lemmings with machine guns! Do I look like an alien?! Am I green?! Do I have tentacles coming out of me?! Give me this, and this! Hey, is that a chopper? HEY, HEY, HEY!! HELP!! HELP ME!! [an airstrike drives him indoors] What the fuck?! Why are we bombing?! There's nobody here! Why are the soldiers bombing each other? Is this real? I just wanna go home! Everyone is crazy except me! I don't understand, why is everyone trying to kill me? I'm awesome! Are you all jealous?! Shooting people isn't very nice! Give peace a chance! Or at least stand still!

Freeman: [after being driven back underground by HECU bombing] This must have been what H.G. Wells was talking about. Maybe half of humanity will go underground and start a new society, and enslave the surface-dwellers. That's my destiny. Yeah, I'm a first-generation Morlock. I don't think I'll start cannibalizing people right away, though. I'll at least wait until the vending machines run out.

HECU: I killed twelve dumbass scientists and not one of them fought back. This sucks! Freeman: Yeah, I guess that's what happens when you shoot everyone on a rescue operation. But not to worry; I'm a scientist, and I'm armed like a secessionist. Hey, that rhymes! [HECU open fire; Gordon shoots them] Freeman: Ah, okay! Fine! I should have known you guys aren't into poetry! I guess I can't completely blame you. That wasn't a perfect rhyme—the syllable count was off. So, what's that make? Twelve, fifteen counts of self-defense with an automatic weapon? I'm losing count and I don't think the cops are gonna buy that anymore.

Freeman: [comes to a dead end in a vent] Oh no. I give up. Guess I'll just die here...

Episode 14 [ edit ]

Scientist: Well, so much for the government. Freeman: Aah! How did you get in here? Scientist: It seems their idea of "containment" is to kill everyone associated with the project. Judging from your— Freeman: [door opens] Wha—? Scientist: —Hazard suit, I'd say you were part of what went wrong. Freeman: What the hell's that supposed to mean? Scientist: Look, if anyone can end this catastrophe, it's the science team in the Lambda complex at the opposite end of the base. With the transit system out, I couldn't tell you how to get there, but there's an old decommissioned rail system somewhere through here. Freeman: I don't care about any of this. Scientist: If you can make it through the rocket test labs, you might be able to worm your way through the old tunnels to track down whatever's left of the Lambda team. Freeman: Why? Scientist: You can trust them. You can trust all of us. Freeman: I don't trust you at all! Scientist: Good luck. Freeman: You appeared here like some magical genie out of a lamp! I don't understand why— Scientist: [whispering] I hear something. Freeman: What? Where? [goes out, looks around] There's nothing here. You're crazy! [returns] You're just like everyone else here! [looks in vent] And where did that security guard go? I didn't see him! He's off playing with that alien in this giant funhouse of a ventilation system! [grabs shotgun and ammo] At least this shotgun won't deceive me. It's filled with pellets, not lies! Scientist: Do you know who ate all the donuts? Freeman: No! Do you know if leptons are really compound particles? Friggin' donuts... [presses "Silo Door" button] Beep. Oh, this must be what that guy was screaming about. He would have wanted me to press that button. Hey, you're not really a genie, are you? You're not dressed like one. I ask because earlier I wished I had a shotgun, and now I have a shotgun, but if that was one of my three wishes, I don't want to wa— [accidentally fires shotgun, nearly hitting the scientist] God! Sorry, sorry! I-I'll just go, okay? I'm going...sorry...God...Well, I can forget about my other two wishes now! I'm never gonna own a water park...

Freeman: See, the quality of my life is going straight up now that I have a shotgun. I knew this would happen.

Freeman: Oh no, not down again. Well I like at least how the lights are red. It's letting me know ahead of time that I'm descending into Hell. This whole facility is designed to keep me down.

Freeman: I understand I have to fight for what's mine but why is it all the time!

Freeman: Ah, a radioactive spill! Part of me wants to believe we're not this criminally incompetent, but...I know better.

Episode 15 [ edit ]

Freeman: Unlike my colleagues, I have a tendency to stay alive. Since this morning, I've been bitten, shot, bombed, electrocuted, almost drowned, almost fallen to my death, and strangled. Rasputin wasn't so lucky! But, here I am, exposing myself to radiation. Why not? Let's add to the list: maybe I can get burned, stabbed, and poisoned before the day is done.

Freeman: That's how Spiderman got his powers. [gets on a elevator going up] That is such bullshit. For starters the odds of a random mutation being beneficial are astronomical. But even if you did get one, you would get radiation poisoning! Comic-book writers know as much about science as I know about [pauses and thinks] well, I'm a bad example since I know about almost everything, but the point is they can try harder!

[Freeman comes around a corner to find a bullsquid eating a corpse and ducks back into the corner] Freeman: I hate awkward pauses like this. [turns the corner and kills the bullsquid] But of course, I'm the one who has to break the ice.

Freeman: [after propelling a houndeye away with his shotgun] Ah ha ha ha! Today's lesson is on muzzle energy and momentum!

Freeman: [after accidentally blowing up a bridge with a houndeye on it] Whoa! Combo platter! [looks over the edge] Hope I don't need to go that way...

Freeman: [to scientist] Are you the one making all that noise? [the scientist screams as a giant tentacle breaks through the window and grabs him] Freeman: MONKEY ON A STICK! WE'RE GETTING FINGERED BY GODZILLA! Scientist: No! No! Get it off me! Freeman: [fires shotgun at the tentacle] FUCK! Scientist: Get it off! GET IT OFF! [tentacle pulls the scientist out the window] Freeman: Nnnnggh...okay, I was waiting for an opportunity to use this. [pulls out a grenade] And here it is! It's obvious—a handful of shrapnel makes the medicine go down! [throws the grenade]

Freeman: That's not a rope...you can't fool me. [shoots barnacle, body parts rain down] Ack! God! Jesus! It's all over me. That's right, the old layer was starting to dry. Better baste a new layer of blood on me. It's important I maintain a fresh layer of blood on me at all times. Helps my sheen.

Episode 16 [ edit ]

Freeman: Oh, safety bars. Knowing this place, that means somebody must have fallen in at one point. [Destroys bars with a single hit from the crowbar] And... we put up cardboard tubes wrapped in tin foil, apparently.

Freeman: [To tentacle monster, while smashing boxes] That's right. You bang, I bang, we all bang together.

Freeman: What was that Nietzsche said? "He who fights drummers should see to it that in the process he does not become a drummer"? Or was it monsters? I don't know. Same thing, really. [Smashes planks blocking a doorway] No, it had to be drummers. That's a monster and there's no way i'm going to end up looking like that thing. I wonder if Nietzsche was in a band. I bet he was. [Turns lever to cycle airlock] I should look him up when I get out of here. I bet the songs have pretty deep lyrics.

Freeman: Are you kidding me?! You can't open this from the inside and it automatically shuts? [sigh] I think there needs to be a sign on the outside that says "Please prop the door or else you'll die a slow death."

Episode 17 [ edit ]

Freeman: Hey, it's getting kind of drafty in here. I can barely hear myself think! [looks down at the giant fan] Oh, yeah. That's a breeze, all right. I wonder how far I could make my spit go if I was to hock a loogie into the— [looks again] No, better not. Too bad the bodies landed on the other side of the door. Then I could just throw them in and watch them explode! [hits the door with his crowbar] Come on, this is stupid! Huh, what about the keypad? [bashes the keypad; the door opens] Yeah! [suddenly gets blown into the air] WAAAAAAAA— [crashes into a set of planks under a vent] Unh!

Freeman: Stop persecuting me...all of you... [beats headcrab to death] Stop...stop...

Freeman: [on having been pinned to the ceiling by the fan] I'm not even wearing air-resistant clothing! I thought you had to be wearing MC Hammer pants and a poncho for that to work!

Freeman: You don't deal with this in theoretical physics, it's just numbers. But rocket scientists don't have that excuse. They have to test their rockets no matter how many people get killed, but I respect that!

Freeman: [to tentacle monster] Yeah, that's right. You show that metal floor who's boss! Don't take "no" for an answer!

Freeman: If I was on Mars, I wouldn't even have to think about this [wide] gap, but as it stands, I'm like a monkey trying to decide whether he can reach the next branch or not. It's a wonder we've even made it this far. We should've all fallen from trees and be extinct right now.

Episode 18 [ edit ]

Freeman: Ah, tick-tick-tock. Is that the sound of a Geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? It's both! That's right. Here at Black Mesa, when we talk about "half-life," we mean it in more ways than one. So make your peace, and come to Black Mesa. Here, you'll win a chance to fight freaks of nature, escape countless safety hazards, wander aimlessly for hours, and die scared, tired, and alone!

Freeman: Goddammit-Earth's-gravity-shouldn't-even-be-this-strong-for-a-planet-our-size. It's-only-this-way-because-there-are-so-many-metals-in-the-core-increasing-the-overall-density-and- oh fuck I'm gonna have to jump.

Scientist: Excellent! Someone has restored all power. We'll have the engine up again in no time. Freeman: Yeah, that room's dangerous, did you know that? It's a good thing I made it back okay. [stares at spinning dial] I was gonna... yeah, the... yes, master... no, stop! You can't kill me, so you're gonna try to control me, is that it? I'll never do your bidding! I have a doctor's degree!

Episode 19 [ edit ]

Freeman: While I'm a hundred percent in favor of having a tomb this size devoted to me, I shouldn't be put into it until after I'm dead. You don't bury the Pharaoh alive—that's what the help is for!

Freeman: You know, I don't remember getting horrible electrical shocks the last time I came through here... I do remember being in pain, though. I mean, it might not have been this exact same location, but that's been pretty consistent. In fact, if you were to sum up this whole day in just one word, it would be "pain"...or maybe "doom"... [hears tentacle monster again] or maybe just "bang." I guess that's your vote. [spots two corpses lying on the floor] I guess your votes are for dead, but I don't like dead.

Freeman: [after leaping across a wide chasm] Okay! I rock! Now stop making me prove it!

Freeman: [after firing the rocket engine to destroy the tentacle] Oh, yeah! That's it! If you can't take the heat, get out of the rocket propulsion test chamber! Ha ha ha! Burn! Burn! Burn! Physics rules!

Episode 20 [ edit ]

Freeman: Where is everybody? They're not up there. The guard's gone. I think I remember some explosives here. Now there's just scorch marks... bloodstain... and this is after firing that rocket...huh.

Freeman: Hey, that's a ladder! That means this is legit—this might go somewhere! I mean, it probably leads to a room filled with poison gas and a bunch of dead people that look just like me, but I don't know that, so there's room for hope, I guess.

Freeman: Oh! Oh, that's a drop. Wow, this is really making me put my money where my mouth is, because earlier I said I wanted to do a long-drop cannonball if there was water down there, and here it is. Ah...kind of stupid...but there's a light down there. This could be all right. Let's assess: cons, I might starve to death where no one can ever find me; pros, this could be fun as hell...I'm gonna do it. [jumps] YeeeeEEEEE! [hits the water] That was awesome!

[Gordon encounters an underground river of radioactive sludge] Freeman: Jesus Christ, look how much we're pumping out! This is bad! I thought the other spills were bad, but I also thought they were contained like we had some sort of plan if this happened, but this is a river! I'm not a bleeding-heart ecologist and I have more pressing things on my mind, but fuck me! If this gets into the ground water...well, that's it. We've already been playing crash-and-burn with this whole facility, but this is us pissing on the ashes as our final tribute to the whole community.

Episode 21 [ edit ]

Freeman: [sees a burning gas pipe] Wow, that looks hot. I want some marshmallows. [Vortigaunts teleport in] Freeman: [shooting the Vortigaunts] What the hell are you looking at? I don't have any marshmallows, and even if I did I wouldn't give any to you! They're mine! Everything's MINE! [Gordon takes a few steps forward, and the catwalk he's standing on collapses.] Freeman: Well, this facility's not mine. I thought I wanted it, but now I don't.

[Gordon enters the room] Freeman: Heeeeeere's JOHNNY!

Freeman: [gets shot at by by HECU soldier] What the fuck?! For the umpteenth time, I'm not an alien! [returns fire] Un-fucking-believable! And here I thought that they finally figured that out. That's what I get for giving people any credit! I saw them shooting the aliens and not me, for once, and I assumed that the military finally got it through their thick-ass skulls which targets they're supposed to shoot at! But no, no, no, no. [makes dumb-sounding voice] That's for smart people like me. [in normal voice] I know it's obvious I'm a genius, but is everyone else really this stupid? I don't know, but I do know how to prove who's more dead between us.

Freeman: I hate you all so much...

Episode 22 [ edit ]

Freeman: Look at this. I've never had any military training, so I don't know the correct procedure for these things, but if I saw my buddy run around a corner and get shot, then I saw my next buddy run around the same corner and get shot, I don't think I'd run around that same corner...but I use discretion. You're not allowed to have that in the military.

[after surviving a firefight with HECU marines] Freeman: Man, if I get indicted once I leave here, this is getting harder and harder to explain. I don't think anyone's gonna buy a few dozen counts of self-defense with a submachine gun. I think there's kind of an unspoken rule in our society that if this many people are trying to kill you, you're supposed to be dead. I need to talk to an attorney. Maybe there's some sort of Rambo clause. But wait, Rambo goes to prison after the first movie. Fuck!

Freeman: Lasers! Lasers! Nothing good ever happens with lasers around here. So I'm just gonna not deal with that. That's my favorite solution to any problem. It's like the classic debate about why measuring the position of an electron changes its momentum and vice versa. The only correct answer is to get drunk and set fire to things.

Freeman: This is ridiculous. The soldiers should be the ones fixing the generator, not me. I'm doing their job, again. First I'm killing everyone for them, now I'm playing engineer. [a Mawman surprises Gordon] Freeman: You don't even have a job! You're a vagrant!

[after turning on the generator] Freeman: Oh, my. That's bad. That must be a fuckton of voltage to jump like that. Maybe I can— [runs through the gap] Nyaaah! God...Yeah, I can't say wearing a suit covered in plate metal inspires confidence if that had hit me. I mean, Jesus. Most people hit by lightning survive, but that's because they're wearing rubber shoes and you can see where it exits. But if that hit me right now, the current would roll around in my body and exit through the top. My head would blow up like a baked potato wrapped in tinfoil. It would pop off like a Pez container. [looks around] I think I need to go the other way...Actually, if it wasn't me, it would be cool to watch if you got that on film. Your hair might catch on fire and it might look like that scene from Scanners, except this would be the real thing! Then you could sell it as a snuff film and make a bundle of money. I know buyers.

Freeman: I've brushed with Death so often, I should start giving him high-fives when I pass.

Episode 23 [ edit ]

Freeman: Who's punching in Morse code? I don't speak Morse code! [shoots radio] So stop that, it's rude! They're probably talking smack about me on the radio.

Freeman: [fighting HECU marines] Screw this, I'm just gonna wait for them to come around the corner again. [grenade lands in front of Gordon] Freeman: OH SHIT! [sprints away; grenade explodes] Okay! Natural selection! The dumb ones are all dead, so the survivors are a little bit smarter!

Freeman: Yeah, it's strange. I thought I might start feeling weird about killing all these people, but really I don't. I think it's because they're all pricks and deserve to die. I'll make a speech at their funerals if someone wants me to. I have no problem with going up to a grieving widow, and telling her I'm sorry for her loss, but her husband was a rat-fuck meathead who tried to kill me for no goddamn reason, because he was too stupid to learn what the word "civilian" means. If I hadn't put him down, he probably would have come home later and strangled you in your sleep. And not in the kinky way either...I know how you base wives are.

Episode 24 [ edit ]

Freeman: Okay, no power. Fine! The cavemen didn't have power, and they had to deal with soldiers with machine guns. And giant aliens with flamethrowers for hands. If they can do it, so can I. Yeah, whatever. But wait, why did I waste all this time doing— [sees the wounded guard] —YOU! You told me to go down there! That if I turned on the power, everything would be wonderful! You're a liar! I can see why somebody shot you! I'm taking your gun away from you. I can use it as a drop weapon if I accidentally shoot a civilian later.

Freeman: [After electrocuting a Gargantua] YES! I meant to do that! Woo-hoo! Big reptile-thing stomping around like they own the place. Well, that's how the dinosaurs went extinct: ME! The bigger they are, the cooler they are to kill.

Freeman: You know, I'm an expert on electricity—on the atomic level, anyway—and this, to me, looks like the power's on. A bit more dramatic than what I was expecting, but still, on. I'm going back up to that train room and finding out what the hell's going on here. That guard wasn't telling me the whole story. What he meant was "Hey, yeah! All you have to do is pump out all that bilge-water in the generator room, turn the power on to the generator, shoot everyone in sight, then come back around and turn on the DC generator, then go down to the storage room and roll a spool up here, then break out some pliers and electrical tape so you can lay down some HV cable, then just bust through a wall and wire up a new circuit, then do the same thing on the other end of the complex, and yeah, you'll have that train runnin' within the month!"

Of course, the real tragedy is that I didn't bring a camera. If I had been taking pictures, I'd be ready the next time I had to sit through some family members' slideshow. I could whip it out and be like "Fuck you, your pictures suck! Look at mine! There's me blowing up some bipedal alien the size of a dump truck. Here's me shooting some troops because I'm hardcore." [Looks at the wounded guard] Yeah, I think we're done here. You brought this on yourself.

Freeman: I'm gonna go out the window because there's no glass and no one can yell at me, that's one of the perks of killing everyone. Speaking of which, if this doesn't start I'm gonna take it out on that guard. [Tram starts] Ah ha ha! All aboard! Wait, wait... I did it wrong. That switch controls the track, not the power. Let me climb back. [Tries to climb through the window] Come on! Stupid sloped ledges. Fine, I'll walk! Ah screw it I'll run. The thing about running is that I'm not building up any muscle mass so it's not like AAAHHH! Okay, yeah. The benefits and drawbacks of running don't compare to tripping and doing a face plant on a white-hot burning gas pipe. That's just about the worst possible thing I could do, actually.

But yeah, I'm in awesome shape, and I've been running in circles today for miles already. There's just no point. I'm sure I worked off those Doritos hours ago. [Looks at the wounded guard] Hey you know what, I don't wanna hear it.

Episode 25 [ edit ]

Freeman: [finds large concrete blocks stacked in front of the tram line, reverses tram] This reminds me back in high school where we had a driver's-ed class and the gym teacher was asking us which was more dangerous: crashing a motorcycle at 60 miles per hour into a haystack or crashing a motorcycle at 60 miles per hour into a concrete divider. He got mad and started yelling at the class when no one answered. [stops, moves tram forward] Okay! Time to end my tram-operating career! [Jumps off tram as it moves to ram the blockade] If I was a conductor, this is how I'd want to retire: just jump off and let the train speed away with everyone on board.

Freeman: [hears strange, otherworldly screams, stops tram] Wha—? All right, I'm not an expert in the field, but that sounds to me like the cries of the damned. I'm not where I should be. [starts tram again] I'm going to come across a bunch of dudes in robes chanting, making some sort of sacrifice with daggers. Then I'm gonna have to fight their summoned demon or whatever. Hey! Maybe that's the— [static bolt appears, close to Freeman] Bwaargh! Maybe that's what I've been dealing with today. What I've been calling aliens, are really demons. Not that they can't be both, like how every square is a rectangle, but not vice-versa. Hey, are those boards blocking the track? [a set of buttress-like boards show up around the corner] Oh! That's a good sign! Is this thing gonna collapse when I move forward? Knowing our engineering, this may be made out of balsa wood.

Episode 26 [ edit ]

Freeman: You know, some people might argue I'm only focusing on the negative, but I think that's because I can't think of one thing today anyone else has done right. All anyone has been doing today has been breaking things, running around screaming, shooting the wrong people, or dying. I mean, what am I supposed to say to people? "Wow, you sure did a good job falling down that elevator shaft!" Or "Way to lock yourself inside the freezer! I'm so proud of you."

Freeman: I haven't checked this tunnel, and I'm still waiting for hidden treasure. We get funding for a lot of shady projects. Maybe there's some Nazi gold back here. Zeigen Sie mir das Geld! (Show me the money!) [checks the tunnel] Eh, there's nothing here. Just a dead end and some more boxes. Probably filled with network cards we can't use. BNC or something.

Freeman: Okay, I see an alien and a dead body. I can put one and one together. [shoots at the bullsquid] Actually, that's one and negative one. [shoots again, killing it] Now it's negative two, and me. But wait, wouldn't I be number one? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. See, this is why you have to define your terms. If you don't, people die.

Episode 27 (April Fool's 2010) [ edit ]

Freeman: 'Tis true of the— [hears a noise from behind him] What be that noise? Arr, these caves be haunted, says I. But livin' and dead alike shall bow before the great Cap'n Freeman.

Freeman: [Shoots a marine with a shotgun] Arr, the bloodlettin' be flowin' over. I shows no quarter to lubbers such as thee. Ye calls yerselves marines but mariners I says yer not. I bet none of ye could rig a bunt-gasket 'round a mast and jigger if yer lives were hangin' in the balance!

Freeman: Now what'a we have here? An anti-scurvy machine. [headcrabs fall from the ceiling tiles] Shiver me timbers! [shoots them] By the powers! There be all manner o' queer beasties in this hold! I cares not for 'em.

Freeman: [speaking to a security guard] Ho thar, squire! What say ye to joinin' me crew? I gives ye my affidavi' I give ye yer cut of any loot we take. Guard: Okay, why not? Freeman: YA— [is interrupted by the guard] Guard: Didn't want to die alone anyway. Freeman: YARR! That be the spirit! Let us charge forth and paint the walls red with blood! Guard: I don't know if we should go any further, this doesn't look right. Freeman: Quakin' in yer booties now, are ye? You yellow-bellied sapsucker! Just follow me!

Episode 28 [ edit ]

Freeman: Arr, this scallywag be a right thorn in me side. Let it be known tha— [Begins coughing profusely] Eh, okay, that's enough of that. I've got another twenty years and a lot of whiskey-drinking before my voice sounds like that normally.

Freeman: [taking out a grenade when confronted with a soldier in a machine-gun nest] This sounds like a job for Ambassador Pineapple.

Freeman: So what's this...? [reads a message on the wall that says "SURRENDER FREEMEN"] Oh, shit. They know my name! Fuuuuuuuck! This changes everything. I can't just waltz out of here now, I'm wanted! Damn it, my beard betrayed me! They got an ID because I'm the only fucking scientist here with a beard! If I'd gone with that stupid Einstein hair, they wouldn't be able to pick me out from a line-up!

Freeman: [shooting aliens as they come out of the room when the door suddenly closes] What the hell, did it just close the door on me? But I'm a great salesman! [runs into the room and shoots the aliens] Hi, I'm selling these fine used bullets! Free samples! [notices some dead marines on the ground, with their ammunition lying next to them] Oh, looks like you already have some from the looks of things. But then why is there no—? [a headcrab jumps out of a corner and interrupts him] Ah, the missus of the house! Try some of our product! [shoots the headcrab]

Freeman: What's this? [reads a message on the wall that says "YORE DEAD FREEMAN"] "Yore dead". Wow. I can't even make fun of that.

Freeman: [pinned down behind a corner while a marine fires rockets at him] I don't like how liberal this guy is about firing rockets inside an underground tunnel. He's playing Chicken Little and doesn't even know it. [peeks around the corner and fires a few shots with his pistol, the marine fires back and he has to duck out of the way again] I don't think this guy has an architectural engineering, or even a geology degree, to accurately assess the load-bearing stress of rockets on this tunnel. [exchanges a few more shots with the marine, narrowly dodging another rocket] Rocky the Rocket Ranger... [they exchange shots again] God! See, I have to kill you before you kill yourself! And me!

Freeman: You know, everyone's always told me that I'm paranoid and I need to calm down, but guess what? I'm alive, and everyone who said that is dead. That's the ultimate proof that someone doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. "Follow my advice and you'll die just like me! Huh-heh!" I have the U.S. military spray-painting my name onto a wall, setting laser trip mines, and firing a fucking rocket launcher at me, and people have the gall to call me paranoid. Fuck them. Fuck everybody! Anyone who doesn't listen to me deserves the fate they get! I should kill everyone just on principle! [spots a vortigaunt and shoots at it] See, this is what I'm talking about! [kills the vortigaunt] "Aliens aren't invading, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [kills another vortigaunt] "The mailman's not spying on you, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [shoots a vortigaunt, and it runs off] What else... [the vortigaunt appears again and he shoots at it before it runs down another hallway] "There's no society of anthropomorphic frog people living in the sewer, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [kills another vortigaunt] "Owls can't read your thoughts, Freeman, you're just being paranoid." [kills two more vortigaunts] Bet you wouldn't call me paranoid now if you were still alive. How about expecting five monsters to ambush me, is that paranoid?

Freeman: [when his tram automatically stops at a gate] I bet the controls are down that hallway, and there are a truckload of soldiers waiting to shoot me. I've done this dance before. They can keep the damn tram. I'm really not that attached to it. I'm not like those Jabba the Hutt bastards I see at Walmart scooting around in their motorized carts—I can walk!

Freeman:[walking down a tunnel] I am really bummed that they identified me though, that means I'm a fugitive now. So they've probably frozen my bank accounts. I need to get back to Massachusetts—I have about ten thousand dollars in gold buried in Harold Parker State Forest that I put there for exactly this kind of situation. Now, I didn't anticipate that I was going to get framed like this, I put it there that in case I got caught embezzling I would some sort of exit strategy, now granted, ten thousand will only get me so far here, but if I can get to India, I can live like a king with that kind of money, the American dollar goes a lot further there. [says, "I am your god. Kneel before me," in Hindi] I'm going to need a fake ID—I'll check in with Eddy once I get out of here. I think he will be able to hook something up with me. I'm going to need a car too, but that shouldn't be too difficult. I can just take some motorist hostage with my machine gun and drive to Massachusetts that way. Gonna be a long drive. [comes across and large room with sandbags and machine gun emplacements] I hear soldiers, I'm not stopping here, and look! There's another gate with no switch, so there was no point in taking the— [gunfire erupts from behind Gordon] Oh God!! [runs into the opposite tunnel] Good. Stay. That sounds like a heavier-caliber gun, and while I admit I am curious, I really don't feel up for another bullet-resistance test for this suit.

Freeman: A-ha! Elevator! Yes! [presses the button to activate the lift] Oh my God, it goes up and it doesn't even snap! This is amazing! [The elevator stops on the next floor, where several large crates of explosives have been stacked in front of the door way.] What...? Explosives...oh...I should think about this for a minute. [brief pause] You know, I'm really starting to think maybe this whole thing isn't a rescue operation.

Episode 29 [ edit ]

Freeman: [after failing to reach a ledge] See, if I had a grappling hook I could just go "whoosh" up there, then "whoosh" up there. Really, you don't need a physics degree to grasp the concept, but the fact that I have one is just insult to injury!

Freeman: [holding a grenade while on an elevator where a stack of explosives are blocking his path] Well, I take a chance. If I'm gonna level this place, I'm not gonna be half-assed about it. I'm gonna do it right. I HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE I'M NOT CRAZY! [throws grenade behind the crates, then quickly sends the elevator to the next floor down] Okay, down, down, down, down, down, down! [loud explosion] Oh...boy...I didn't think this through very well. I can't keep rationalizing away everything like this, or I'm gonna die! [sends the elevator back up] Trinitrotoluene doesn't care what mood you're in.

Freeman: [upon seeing electricity arching into a wall] Why is it arcing straight into concrete? So, is my education about electromagnetism wrong or is the world wrong?

Freeman: [after killing two soldiers who were hiding in a crate] What the fuck?! Did they just pop out of a box? Why were they in a box? That's Looney Tunes crap! Jesus! Well, they caught me off guard, I'll give 'em that. I wonder if that was their idea or if it came from up the chain of command. Yeah, I can envision some cigar-smoking general ordering this. [impersonating a stereotypical army general] "Yeah! Just put two soldiers in a box! When the enemy approaches they just jump out! It's brilliant!" [normal voice] I bet they're both named Jack, too.

Freeman: Maybe I should've taken the tram. I don't know. Then I could've just loaded it up with dead bodies and sent it forward. That would probably creep out everybody down the line. It would creep me out. If I was working in the lab and this cart of dead scientists just rolled in. It's a real conversation stopper. Yeah these goons write "YORE DEAD FREEMAN" on a wall and I send them a cart full of dead bodies. Who wins then? Psychological warfare worked for Vlad the Impaler. It can work for me too.

Freeman: Let's see what's over this way. [sees a long way full of lasers, electricity, and trip mines] Yeah, I'm not going this way.

Freeman: [after accidentally turning flashlight off and on] Stupid flashlight. Huh, I guess I'm pretty lucky the power's still working down here. Because if it went out and the flashlight stopped working, I guess I'd have to navigate my way by the light of my muzzle flashes, which would be less-than-ideal for a lot of reasons.

Freeman: So, I guess I'll have to check out the— [sees a hiding zombie's arm] Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! What is that? Hell's coat rack! I don't think so! [kills zombie] Yeah! [is attacked by another zombie] AAH! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!! [shoots it multiple times even after it's dead] Okay...I think I got him. They flanked me. Which is why I know there's ONE UNDER HERE! [looking under the desk] Oh, guess not.

Freeman: [imitating a soldier] Well, here we are back in New Mexico on the laser corral roundin' up aliens so we can...Well, I don't know what we're gonna do with 'em. [looks at dead zombie] Space varmints!

Freeman:Okay, I'm going to pretend there's a world where not all glass is bulletproof. [smashes window with crowbar] Hey! Look at that. That's the power of imagination.

Freeman: Kind of sad though. Here, we have a giant underground complex with all these lasers, and instead of having a rave we're using them for evil.

Freeman: I'm going to kill all these people only to find out they were guarding some janitor's closet.

Soldier #1: So, who is this guy, Freeman? Freeman: [quietly, to himself] Hey, I'm outside! Soldier #2: They say he was at Ground Zero. Science team. You think he was responsible, sabotage, maybe? Freeman: No. Soldier #2: Maybe? Freeman: No! Soldier #1: All I know for sure is that he's been killin' my buddies. Freeman: Oh... Soldier #2: Oh yeah, he'll pay. He will definitely p— Freeman: [kills them both before the soldier can finish] There, that's for trying to guilt-trip me! Yeah, the big bad Freeman. Of course, you guys didn't start shit!

Freeman: That security guy said this track would take me to the surface. Okay, now what was the long way to the surface?

Episode 30 [ edit ]

Freeman: [after howling at the moon] Wait, what the hell am I doing? That's right, I was going to out of here; the Moon's a secondary objective.

Freeman: [approaching a blast door] Hey, a keypad! ...I don't know the code. I'll try some random numbers. [beeping] No? Okay, 1-3-3-7. [beeping] No... 1-2-3-4. [door opens] Ah-ha-ha! You know, as much as I'd like to claim this was the result of me being a genius, it's more that someone else was not.

Freeman: [passing through blast door] Knowing this code makes me a threat to national security now. [fired at by HECU marines] Speaking of threats! [grenade explodes] WHOA! He just... [shoots marine] Did I see that right? That guy in the beret just shot a grenade round at his buddies there! I don't think he was even aiming for me, I was just the excuse! I mean, what is this, The Three Stooges Join the Corps? There are three of them!

Freeman: I always expected this sort of thing to happen to the Stooges actually. That one day Mo would just fucking lose it and kill the other two Stooges for incompetence. Well, maybe not Larry, he could be brought back into the fold. But definitely Curly. Curly Joe was beyond redemption.

Freeman: [standing behind an unalerted HECU marine] These guys sound pretty chill considering there were gunshots and an explosion outside not two minutes earlier. I guess it doesn't occur to them to investigate that.

Freeman: Hey, what's this do? [pushes button, blast shields cover window, room shakes] Uh-oh. Uh... maybe I shouldn't be pushing every button I see. [looking through window] Jesus Christ, I launched a missile! I'm not helping anything! [blinded by thruster] Ahh, my eyes! Gaze upon the fiery doom of this earth! [room stops shaking] So... I guess I just started World War III. It's been a busy day.

Freeman: But in the end, there's only one thing that matters: I did not leave any fingerprints. I was wearing my suit. I'm getting out of here.

Freeman: [gazing out over the open desert after climbing a berm] Ah... that's right. I'm in New Mexico, aren't I? The middle of the desert. The middle... of the desert... Now that I think about it, the flight out here might have been longer than I remember. So, if I were to just pack it on foot, how far could I go? If I had food and water—which I don't—I could go twenty, maybe thirty miles in a day assuming the sun didn't beat me down - which it would. I really should have thought about this sooner.

Episode 31 [ edit ]

Freeman: If there's one thing I've learned today, it's that missile launches are not like the movies at all. I thought there were all these procedures, two different people with special keys, a small crew of people to monitor all the systems... but no. It's just a big, red button that says "Launch." [gets shot by a sniper] Gaaaah! Where the fuck did that come from!?! [Sniper fires again, Gordon runs for cover] Yee! I GOT IT THE FIRST TIME!!

Freeman: Hmm. I just thought of a paradox. Maybe the more people I kill, the less likely I am to be the fall guy. Because sure, they could say I killed five or ten people, but can they really pin dozens and dozens of armed military personnel on me?

Freeman: [Attacked by HECU marines after his tram derails] New Yorkers talk like they're all big and bad, I bet they don't deal with half of this shit in the subway! [gunshots] I think if I ever hear someone complain about their commute again, I'm just gonna punch them in the face. My drive home is worse than yours!

Freeman: Anyway, my background doesn't fit the profile. No military training, never fired a gun, acquitted for petty theft, not a member of any extremist organizations, has a PhD in theoretical physics. Yeah, that sounds like our man!

Freeman: Alvin York killed dozens of people. And he was a hero! He didn't even want to, he was like me... am I a hero? Eh, I don't know. I don't think it's heroic if the only person you're saving is yourself.

Freeman: [While looking up at a large broken metallic structure of some kind] What the hell is that? It looks like a prison guard tower. I don't get it. This place makes no sense. [submerges underneath the water, begins mumbling about something before coming back up to the surface] —It's unconstitutional— [submerges again, continues mumbling]

Episode 32 [ edit ]

Freeman: [surfaces for air in a flooded building after being underwater] Okay, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic...I'm sure there's... minutes... worth of air in this pocket. PANIC! [dives back into the water]

Freeman: Come to think of it, how much do I know about Black Mesa? We have toxic waste, loads of weapons, missiles, and now a shark tank. Am I working for a James Bond villain company?

Scientist: Did you see that? Freeman: [surprised] Jesus Christ, I would have shot you! Scientist: [regarding the icthyosaur] They said it was hauled from the Challenger Deep... but I'm positive that beast never swam in terrestrial waters until a week ago. Freeman: It's a shark. Scientist: There's a tranquilizer gun in the shark cage, but I'm not sure it would work on this species. You're welcome to try. Freeman: Thanks, but I have a real gun. Tranquilizer... look, I appreciate wanting to preserve the specimen in the name of science, but if that thing gets out of line, I'm blowing its freaking head off. Oh, and hey, if anybody else comes by here, I need you to be a character witness for me. Don't fuck me on this.

Freeman: [chased out of a pool by an icthyosaur] FUCK YOU, FISH! Oh, it is on. You want to eat me? I'll give you something to eat. You think I work at SeaWorld, giving you free food all day? You're gonna have to pay for this meal. Come on up... I won't hurt you... come on up... sucker. [kills icthyosaur with shotgun] Yeah! Call me Ishmael, bitch!

Episode 33 [ edit ]

Freeman: So, what are my options here? I could shoot every one of these tentacle things individually, but then they would puke up so much this ramp would turn into a Slip 'n' Slide of blood, and I just washed that off of me—again! What I want to do is lay that satchel charge in here and watch these things blow up, but...call me old-fashioned, but I'm still squeamish about setting off explosives underground! I'm sure the studies show— [sees shotgun ammo on a crate] Oh, look! Ammo! [jumps on the box, which collapses under his weight] Ow! Shit! [two Vortigaunts appear offscreen] Freeman: I'm boxed in! [Vortigaunt zaps him; he shoots it] Piss off! [gets zapped by and kills the second Vortigaunt] Yeah, that fish-in-a-barrel trick doesn't work so well when the fish has a shotgun, does it? Well, that was interesting! Looks like the aliens are taking a page from the military's book! [steps out of box] The military puts soldiers in a box to pop out of... [shoots a Barnacle] ...The aliens wait out of the box for me to go into—and it worked! Tactical combat is strange, man! No wonder people have to train so much for this stuff!

[Strange machinery starts to work] Freeman: What is this? Knowing us, I bet these machines serve no other purpose than to crack nuts. That button says "Generator" but, give me a break. Why would you have two sets of ENORMOUS pistons slamming into each other like that? It's obvious what's going on here. It's the same as the crate-smashing room. If we don't spend a billion dollars one year, then we don't get a billion dollars the next year. And if we don't get a billion dollars the next year, then we have to go and spend more money on lobbyists to get the laws changed so we get our billion dollars the year after that. And nobody wants that because then we might have to compete with other lobbyists. We could get into a bidding war. That's how democracy works. On the other hand, the nutcracker room here is a sure thing. I make fun of it, but in the long run, it's probably faster and cheaper just to build the giant nutcracker, write it off and be done with it.

[Gordon gets attacked from behind by a bullsquid] Freeman: Jesus Christ! [kills it] That was hella close to me! Another foot, that would've been inside me! [shudders] Maybe that's what the crushers are for—for when those things teleport inside your head and you become a walking xenomorph! It'd provide a nice, easy way for you to kill yourself, like The Fly! "Help meeeee..." [a Vortigaunt teleports around the corner] Freeman: No, not you, damn it! Your help isn't any help at all! You're just breaking things! [shoots Vortigaunt] I can do that! [kills headcrab] And I can do it better! [kills two more Vortigaunts, then accidentally shoots what appears to be a computer server] Oops. Uh, that was to prove a point. Guess nobody needs that computer now. I wonder if I just screwed somebody using our network. Network errors are lame. They're always [shoots headcrab] "404!" Or [shoots headcrab again] "503!" Why can't there be "Error 482? Somebody just shot the﻿ server with a 12-gauge. Please contact your administrator."

Episode 34 [ edit ]

Freeman: Oh my God, it's cold in here! [shivers] Is this ten fucking Kelvin?!

Freeman: Well, I was wrong about one thing. Those aliens are not from a swamp planet. Anything that could— [turns corner, sees a Vortigaunt in the distance and retreats] Oh my God. This whole neighborhood's going to hell, what with the gangs— [shoots Vortigaunt, then ducks back] Yep! [finishes it off] Can't even walk down the street of your own planet anymore! I remember the good old days when I didn't have to bring a gun to work, my coworkers weren't space bugs, I had a salary, I wasn't wanted by the government... [another Vortigaunt appears and he shoots it] Then you happened! [gets zapped from behind] Ow! Was I shot in the back of the—?! [kills a third Vortigaunt] No respect, man. No respect at all.

Freeman: [ while hunting a sniper that shot a guard ] Maybe the problem went away. Maybe I willed it out of existence. Maybe he was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silent hollow-point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables. That was one of the Grimm's tales, right?

Freeman: [after surviving a firefight with Black Ops] Well, this settles it. Black Mesa is a James Bond villain company. We have missiles, robots, lasers, sharks, and ninjas.

Episode Zero [ edit ]

Freeman: [exits elevator and begins training] Looks like I'm the one stuck having to do training...ASS SLAPPAGE.

Freeman: [training in his HEV suit] The only reason I'm here is because everyone else on the team is too damned frail to do any physical activity whatsoever. So, because I can lift a box, I'm automatically the lab gofer.

Hologuide: Walk directly into the ladder, look up, and continue moving forward. If you want to come back down, just move backward. Freeman: "To wipe your ass, first orient your hand behind yourself, then move it forward...or backward." Honestly, who doesn't know how to use a ladder? I mean, it's a LADDER! Somehow, I don't think this program is designed for the gifted.

Hologuide: Please start the lift by moving up to the button, looking at it, and pressing the "use" key. Freeman: Sure. You want me to press a button, I'll press a button. I can press buttons all day! [elevator rises and stops in empty space] Hologuide: Now that you're up here, there's only one way down. Freeman: Where? Hologuide: Find the target on the floor below, and do your best to hit it. Freeman: What? Hologuide: If you take any damage from the fall, we will administer medical care at the next station. Freeman: Is this a joke? They want me to jump from this height onto flat concrete? There must be a typo with the instructions or something that no one corrected. I could climb down, but they want me to hit that target. I'm not doing that, that's retarded! So... I guess I failed the "lemming" portion of the test, but hopefully that's not required to pass the whole course. Well, training's over! I think I'll get out of here and go take my lunch break. I'll just tell everyone I passed training. Nobody's going to check this.

Episode 35 [ edit ]

Freeman: Okay, people, listen up. Today, we're talkin' about fermions. Fermions have a half-integer spin. Not a full-integer spin; those are bosons.

Freeman: This is not my finest hour, is it? Spending the night in a dumpster; getting dumped out of a sewer pipe face-first into a runoff puddle; waking up in the afternoon; I'm probably missing work; I'm lost in the desert; I have many unexplained bruises and facial lacerations. They say you know when you've hit rock bottom, but I can't say any of this is completely unfamiliar. Except for being in the desert, that's kinda new. The last time something like this happened was Austria. Actually, Austria was even worse, because I woke up naked. I had to wander around, lost in Innsbruck, until I could make some clothes out of old garbage bags. [Headcrab teleports in] Okay, well this part's different.

Episode 36 [ edit ]

Freeman: If the experiment was a success, I would've partied all night and got drunk off my ass, and probably woken up in a dumpster... but... I woke up sober, and that sucks. So that must mean the experiment was not a success. I probably got into some fights, then.

Freeman: I would also like to file a complaint about the number of locked doors here, and about the mutant animals that appear to be eating people. Trespasser or not, I have rights, and I'm entitled to a reasonable expectation of safety and comfort when I break into a place. This is America, after all.

Freeman: I'm probably the first person to ever set foot in this place. Therefore, as these are new territories as discovered by the nation of Freeman, any and all monuments shall henceforth be named after me. Me! The name of this monument will be, uh... Freeman Industrial Strength Mixer... With... Green Crap... Inside Of It...

Episode 37 [ edit ]

Freeman: I suppose this is good preparation for later in life if when I get Alzheimer's: I'll wake up not remembering everything, but still be able to escape the retirement home. Wait, what am I saying?! I'm not gonna get Alzheimer's. People who stay mentally active have resistance against that, and I mentally dominate everyone! When I get old, I'm gonna buy that walking cane I saw that secretly transforms into a sword, and scare the hell out of anyone who doesn't show me respect!

Freeman: [shooting aliens] THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! I HAVE A GUN, SO I'M IN CHARGE! MANY GOVERNMENTS AROUND THE WORLD FUNCTION ON THIS PRINCIPLE, AND SOME OF THEM LAST FOR MONTHS!!!

Episode 38 [ edit ]

[on a conveyor belt] Freeman: Oh, wow. Seriously? We actually have crushers of death, too? What are we making in this factory? Something flat. Jesus Christ. [runs under the first crusher] Kyaahh! Oh, they have different stomping patterns! That's really necessary! [slips past the second] A-a-aah! Oh, this one's just full of tricks, tapping out Morse code with a fucking belt! Red lights, walking backwards—GIVE ME SOME MORE PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! [runs under the third crusher] YES! "BIOHAZARD!" PERFECT! THANK YOU! AAAHH!! FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANK OF ACID! SUPERB! Sidestepping... [drops onto another belt on the right]

Freeman: I feel like strangling something. It would be fun to be known as a strangler. I mean, it wouldn't be worth it to strangle people just to get the name, but if the police came up with a name for me like "The Sneaky Strangler" that would be cool. [looks up at a sign pointing towards a hallway to stairs] Ok, good. This sign points straight. Not left four times in a row, that would piss me off. Hey what am I talking about, I have a PhD! They'd call me "Dr. Strangle-love!" Actually that could be a porn name. But only for the edger stuff. [hears and sees a bullsquid coming to attack and pulls out his pistol] Aah! [Gun clicks empty and he turns around and begins to run back out of the hallway] OH GOD, I'M OUT OF AMMO!! WHOSE JOB WAS IT TO RELOAD?! THEY'RE FIRED!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO AMMO LEFT?! YOU'RE FIRED TOO!!

Freeman: Maybe I missed something. Because, y'know, exits are supposed to be difficult to locate. Because, God help you if somebody exited your building by accident. Then, they'd have to come back in.

Freeman: Oh... this is that door... So leaving here was never an option! Now, crawling in circles until you fucking die, THERE'S an option! I LIKE THAT OPTION!!! LET'S GO WITH THAT OPTION!!! RAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!!! ... Actually, I was just kidding. I don't like that option.

Episode 39 [ edit ]

[Gordon has just fallen off a conveyor belt into a pit and avoided landing inside a giant crusher and is on the sides of it] Freeman: Are you kidding, this is even worse than I expected! This is something out of a cartoon! [watches as the crusher kills a headcrab that has fallen from a different conveyor belt] Freeman: Oh my God, that just killed that space bug like an Earth bug! [a few more headcrabs try to jump towards Gordon who pulls out his crowbar and hits one while dodging the other] Freeman: Oh wow, my lucky day! This is a dream come true! When I was a kid and I went to see Santa Claus, I told him I wanted to be in a cage fight with these tiny fucking monsters jumping in my face! [hits another headcrab] And I wanted the floor to be made of a giant crusher that could kill me in one quick motion, AND THE SIDES TO BE SLANTED SO THAT IF I SLIPPED I'D IMMEDIATELY DIE! AND NOW I HAVE IT ALL! WHAT MORE COULD I POSSIBLY ASK FOR?!

Freeman: [While engaged in a gunfight with soldiers] Yoo-Hoo! Over here! You forgot your bullets! Take some of mine! [Shoots the last soldier] You're welcome!! Hmm... I'm gonna need some more ammo if I'm going to kill the whole world.

Episode 40 [ edit ]

Freeman: I don't know much Latin. "Language of science", my ass! It would be kind of cool if I wrote out "Latin is a dead language" in blood, and made it look like one of the soldiers did it as his dying action. People would say, "Wow, those were his last words, huh?!" Make them think.

Freeman: I mean, there is no actual right to privacy, but it's implied by the rest of the Constitution...and this gun.

Episode 41 [ edit ]

Freeman: Aw, no! Don't stop! Let's keep this laser party going! Get a disco ball and some music in here! Maybe clear out the bodies...hell, shoot the laser at the disco ball and set this whole room on fire!

Freeman: No matter how hard I try I can never ignore gravity. It's just always there. Talk about oppression! You never get a break. Unless you're completely underwater...but then you can't breathe, so what the hell?!

Freeman: OK, everybody shut up! I need time to think. OK, I won't be killing you because you told me exactly what I wanted to hear. [scientist mumbling] Hey, what did I just say? I could still change my mind! There's enough in this clip for every one of you! OK, let's do the "get outside" thing; you, come with me.

Scientist 1: With my brains and your brawn, we'll make an excellent team!

Freeman: Oh, so you think you're the brains of this operation, huh?

Scientist 1: I'll wait.

Freeman: Goddamn right you will.

Scientist 2: Fascinating... I never suspected such things could be.

Freeman: OK, dopey, you come with me.

Scientist 2: Alright.

Freeman: OK, now, this slicer is kinda dangerous. You oughta know; you designed it. But just take your time, it's only a concentric circle pattern. All you have to- [scientist is killed by spinning blades] What the fuck? Looks like I picked the wrong man for the job! Jesus Christ! This just looks bad for everyone involved. God... [turns back towards the door] Oh, yeah, better make sure the door opens. That would really cap things off if it doesn't. [door opens] Good. If this was locked, it would be a massacre trying to get this crew to climb up the pipes I came down on. OK people, time for plan B!

Scientist 3: Who is responsible for this mess?

Freeman: I don't like how you're lookin' at me, are we gonna have a problem here?

Scientist 3: Let's go.

Freeman: Good. [approaches Scientist 1] OK, I guess you too...

Scientist 1: I certainly hope you know what you're doing...

Freeman: That's it, I've had enough lip from you! You stay!

Scientist 1: Oh, slowing you down, am I?

Freeman: No, you're pissing me off is what you're doing! What I should do is turn that cheese slicer back on and let you form your own escape plan, brainiac! Like I need your help...

Scientist 3: I hope those people in the Lambda Lab can get this under control.

Freeman: Well if they're anything like poindexter back there, I think we're on our own.

Freeman: [has just walked outside of the building] OH MY GOD, I'M OUTSIDE AT LAST!...AGAIN! [Spots a soldier hiding to the side of the building] AH! [shoots the soldier before the soldier fires back] This endless desert isn't big enough for the both of us!

[being shot at by a rotating roof turret] Freeman: Not a weather vane! Not a weather vane! It looks like an anemometer, but it is not. Anemometers don't fire bullets, not even the expensive ones. Or I don't think they do... If they do then meteorologists are more hardcore than I thought.[shot at again by turret] Well, I don't know, maybe...they chase tornadoes and crap. Maybe this is what happens when they get better funding.[Shoots turret down which sets another off, Freeman dodges and takes cover] STOP BEEPING! [Shoots other turret down] No more measuring wind speed for you!

Freeman: I would feel bad about this, but morality is for people who don't have other people trying to kill them every five minutes. I mean, this isn't like a basketball game where I'm winning over and over. "C'mon, let us win just once." "C'mon, Gordon, let us kill you just once."

Episode 42 [ edit ]

Freeman: Boy, I feel like an idiot. I'm showing up with a gun to an artillery fight. That's like showing up with a rocket launcher to a tactical warhead fight. Of course, I didn't know this was going to be an artillery fight. [peeks around the corner; a helicopter fires missiles at him] Oh boy! I don't even wanna be here! They can blow up the damn dam for all I care! [looks again, takes fire from a rocket launcher, runs back] Damn it! I'm pretty sure this is unconstitutional. Even cops aren't allowed to mortar people. I mean, what happened? Was there an emergency session of Congress to vote on bombing me? Okay, think. I guess I'll just rush them. If I stagger my approach, they should miss. [runs across the dam, firing MP5] No! I changed my mind! [jumps over the side into the water] I don't wanna die!

Freeman: [shooting it out with the HECU Marines] I feel sufficiently motivated to leave this place! I don't need your encouragement! I said, I don't need your help! You have no faith in people! Aah! [HECU fire mortars at Gordon] Freeman: Bombs bad, bombs bad! Bad bombs bad! Okay, suppressive fire in, suppressive fire out, do the hokey-pokey and that's what it's all about! [kills a Marine] Stop shooting at me! I'm not the enemy! [fires at the helicopter] GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE CLOUDS!! [keeps shooting at the helicopter even as it explodes and crashes]

Episode 43 [ edit ]

Freeman: Another helicopter? I get the feeling something doesn't want me alive...besides the obvious. [turns, sees a few headcrabs] Yeah, okay, this is the wrong way. [turns around] I mean, sharks, mortar shells, attack helicopters, drowning...some force wants me dead. Maybe that's why all of this is happening. [climbs ladder] I was supposed to die yesterday in the test chamber, but I didn't because I'm hardcore, so now reality is slowly unraveling. That makes me the most important person in the universe. Still don't like getting shot at, though.

Freeman: So, if I die, will reality slowly correct itself, or will the world just end? It may as well be the end of the world if I'm dead. God, how many helicopters are there? Too damn many, that's how much. [sees helicopter fly over again] All right, yeah, more missiles. I never really had an opinion about it before, but after today, I think we definitely have too much military spending. It's, what, twenty percent? It needs to be, like, one percent. [watches the helicopter] Look at this guy. He's flying like he doesn't give a fuck how many missiles he uses. He's not paying for it. He'll probably use the extras to blow up cactuses. [the chopper launches a missile] Freeman: [sprints out of the way] Cacti! Yes, fire missiles at me! [returns fire] That's totally not overkill! [a houndeye attacks him and he kills it] No! Which way do I go? [the helicopter machine-guns Gordon] Oh my God! [runs into rock cluster] It's so hard to concentrate out here! Oh, nice. An arch. Yeah, let's see you shoot through solid rock there, tough guy.

Freeman: [soldiers start shooting at Freeman while he's shooting at a helicopter] Goddammit, you're not helping at all! Do I look like a helicopter? NO!! I do NOT look like a helicopter! If I did my life would be less complicated in some ways and more complicated in others.

Freeman: I like math. Math has zero bullshit tolerance.

Freeman:[still being chased by a helicopter] God damn it, that helicopter won't give up! I feel like all that propeller spinning should be affecting the axial procession of the Earth, even though I know it doesn't! The Coriolis effect is NOT working for me today!

Freeman: [is attacked by headcrabs] Gah! [starts shooting them with shotgun] Yaaa! Yaaa! Yaaa! Yaaa! Yaaah! [stops shooting] Huh. This is kinda how I claimed my lab space on my first day of work. Except I didn't have a shotgun for that, but I didn't need one.

Freeman: [walks up to a warning sign that reads "Mines"] MINE!

Freeman: [under fire from helicopter] I thought I hated mosquitoes and then I met you.

Episode 44 [ edit ]

Freeman: Sadly, I am noticing a pattern here. I seem to be going back and forth between wanting nothing more than to get above ground, then once I do, there's something so bad happening topside that it makes me wish I was never born, and I go back underground again. Man fuck Groundhog Day. It's getting worse, too. I'm reasonably certain there's going to be an active volcano outside if I do this enough times.

Marine: We'll kick your ass! Freeman: [taking cover] What did you say to me?! Actually, it doesn't matter. [fires a few shots, killing one Marine far off and takes cover again] I've got the best comeback of all, [pulls shotgun out] a SPAS-12. [shoots the closer, speaking Marine dead] What? What was that? Didn't catch that. Yeah, don't have anything to say now, do you? I actually don't hold a grudge against someone talking trash about me if they're shot afterwards. I try to rise above that and find my own peace.

Freeman: What the fuck is this? Is this seriously the bridge to the other side? I'd expect better than this from a Peruvian burro trail! Jesus Christ, why not just put up a sign that says "Die?" [looks at pair of pipes on the cliffside] What the fuck? These pipes look professionally built! How did that happen? Not like this! The wood's rotting, the stakes look rusted...I don't know how the soldiers got here, but it wasn't this way. Or maybe it was—that's why so many of the planks are missing. If I had a grappling hook, I could just tie off, rappel down and be done with it. Actually, maybe not. I'd have to be carrying a hell of a lot of rope. Uuuugh...well, they did use aircraft cable, I'll give them that. So there's more support if I walk on the sides since these boards look like they have the tensile strength of rice cakes. I'm probably overreacting. [steps onto the bridge, causing the first plank to fall off] OH NO, IT'S HAPPENING! [runs across the bridge, yelling, then pants and mutters on the other side] In retrospect, maybe I should have checked to see if the soldiers had any rope on them.

Freeman: [reverent monotone] Oh my God, it's a rocket launcher. The perfect gift for the man who has everything. Ohhh, you and I are gonna go places. My mind is spinning with new possibilities. You are the first good news I've had all day. [collects spare rockets] Yes, I'll bring your friends. [tries door, normal voice] Locked. [hears helicopter] Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! [returns to entrance] No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl! [a helicopter flies over] Have at thee! [fires, retreats from return fire] Aagh! Curses! Fie upon thee! What-ho, the laser on mine rocket launcher be not a mere target, but a guidance system! Where art thou? Come hither, that I may smite thee! [shoots the chopper down] Thou shalt not be missed. That was liberating. Whoa, wait! What was that sound? Do you hear that? I think that's silence! That's the sound people make when everyone trying to kill me is dead! AND I HAVE A ROCKET LAUNCHER! I have a rocket launcher with a laser guidance system! And I'm walking on a really, really narrow cliff face…

Freeman: Besides seeming like a gift from the gods, this rocket launcher gives me some food for thought. I may have to revise my theory about the Universe wanting me dead. If that was true, the rocket launcher would never have happened. Only most of the Universe wants me dead. There's some larger game going on here. I'm more like Perseus or Odysseus, caught in the center of some cosmic politics. That's too bad. I was hoping the Universe would end with me. Maybe there's still a way to make that happen.

Freeman: Hmm, feel like I'm forgetting something important. [pauses and thinks] Mind reading! That was it. Okay, let's assume it exists, even though no transmissions show up on any known spectrum. [jumping up ledges] The tinfoil-hat people. What do they think? That it's electromagnetic radiation? What do they think the tin is going to do? [jumps onto the last bit of ledge and nearly slips and falls, screaming frantically, but eventually calms down] Th-that, that step was a little tricky. Oh God, oh God, o-ho-ho-ho-ho… [ascends ladder] So anyway, if it's electromagnetic, you’d need a Faraday cage for that, and a tinfoil hat doesn't act like one. It's not even grounded. In all likelihood, a chunk of metal on your head is going to conduct any signal you are worried about, not block it. You'd have a better chance with a lead helmet covered in rubber. Tinfoil-hat people are ignorant.

[Gordon comes across a drainage pipe, only to have a headcrab jump out at him] Freeman: Oh God! Jesus! [retreats from the pipe; the headcrab lunges again, he dodges it and it falls into the canyon below] Yeah! Toro, motherfucker! SPLAT! Forget the mind reading, I just want a helmet. Cranial protection from punctures and lacerations...and bullets.

Episode 45 [ edit ]

Freeman: Delivery for Mr. Abrams! [shoots a grenade round at a tank]

Freeman: [after singing Modern Major General] You know, this song is kinda dated. It's supposed to be MODERN major-general. I'm gonna add a new verse.

[singing to the tune of Modern Major General]

I can fire at a target and hit it at least half the time

or graph out an electron path while using only numbers prime

I calculate the fall rate of a bullet shot a thousand yards

I perforate the thick heads of a hundred military guards.

I can make a simulation of an atom bomb and build one too

Or flank a dozen men and ambush ten of them right out of the blue

From SMGs to RPGs, I carry quite an arsenal

And skip around a war zone like a subatomic particle.

Freeman: STILL NO CHORUS! OK, come on! Sing and I won't kill you! Those of you that are left, I mean...

Ah! (Tank fires at Gordon) OK. There we go. (clears throat)

Every soldier out here wants to kill me for my curiosity

I wage war on the whole damn world because of my tenacity

In matters combat tactical and physics theoretical

I am the very model of a modern Major-General!

Freeman: All right, no one else is even trying to sing along! I quit!

Episode 46 [ edit ]

Freeman: Yeah, that's kind of where my life is right now, where I know my best option isn't going to work

Freeman: Man, if it's worse than what I've seen, it must be... silverback gorillas with flamethrowers.

Freeman: There's people who give you the evil eye, and then there's snipers. Big difference.

Freeman:(Come across a dead security guard) Oh, another dead guy, that's nice..well, he didn't die from a mine, he still has all his body parts attached. Maybe...(A gunshot is heard, the bullet ricochets off Freeman's armor, he runs for cover screaming frantically, and almost running into a trip-mine, he peeks over his cover to see were the shot came from only for the sniper to shoot at him again nearly missing him a second time)Oh my GOD, that was close! Wait, is this that same sniper from last night? Is he following me!? I knew it! that guy is fucking evil! He shot at me and practically herded me into this trip-mine here. Vicious.

Episode 47 [ edit ]

Freeman: [talking to a hiding scientist] Okay, so you don't have ANYTHING, do you? No food, water, guns. I'll be blunt; you're not selling me on the "Wait Here" plan. I'd say that I'd think that this is going to get worse before it gets better, but really, I think this is just going to get worse forever. So, in other words, I think it's going to get worse before it gets worse. If you bet on that, I think it's pretty safe money.

Freeman: [navigating around a room full of explosive laser tripmines] This room confirms every single thing I've suspected about the soldiers. This is their grand strategy at work right here: just slap easily-triggered mines on everything in a room that could wipe out half the facility if there was a chain reaction. Oh, and leave some aliens hopping around in it higgledy-piggledy, too. Yeah, there are NO surprises here. Just blow up everything in sight. Don't worry about how we do missile research here

Freeman: See, this is why I don't have friends! All they ever do is run around screaming causing problems for everyone until someone tries to kill them. Friends are like weeds that scream.

Freeman: [regretting not learning how to hotwire a car] That crap is all on the internet now, there's no excuse.

Freeman: Now I know what time it is: it is clearly rocket launcher time. However...[takes a peek around the corner and quickly ducks back, narrowly avoiding a shot] Mr. Dead-To-Rights The Tank Operator doesn't seem to operate in my time zone. His clock says it's time to turn me into red paste

Freeman: [upon witnessing another friendly fire incident] That tank totally just shot and killed one his soldier buddies without hesitation. Almost killed the other one. Man, I'm NEVER joining the military!

Episode 48 [ edit ]

Freeman: I'm starting to regret accidentally shooting that guard. His tendency to run blindly in front of gunfire would be real helpful right now. I would have him run out there first, I'd run the other way, it'd be perfect. Teamwork: the ultimate sacrifice

Freeman: Why is this door not moving!? It's blown off the hinges! I can see inside for God's — it's not locked! This is cheating! Tell reality to stop cheating! Reality, how could you?

Freeman: Okay, this must be the sniper residence. I received a bullet delivery from you by mistake, so I'm returning it, plus a little something extra for your trouble. [throws grenade into sniper nest; three seconds later, the grenade explodes] Okay, I'll mark down that you received the shipment.

Freeman: Today's forecast is sunny mixed with raining bullets.

Episode 49 [ edit ]

Freeman: Okay, accident or not, I've killed so many people at this point that I have to be changing the course of history. I've mostly been killing soldiers though and they're not as likely to change the course of history unless it's a really decisive battle. Or maybe if they're smart and they go off and do important things later in life. No, there's no risk of THAT. I haven't killed any smart people.

Freeman: Earth bees are more hardcore than space bees. I guess the conventional wisdom is true.

Freeman: (Gets zapped by a few Vortigaunts) OK EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN! (gets in M2 Browning machine gun and starts firing) DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?!? (Shoots more) YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP! (Shoots more) WHAT?!? (Shoots more) I CAN'T HEAR YOU! (Shoots more) YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOU? SURE I CAN DO THAT! (Shoots more) IS THAT ENOUGH? (Shoots more) OK I'LL KEEP IT COMING! (Shoots more) HOW 'BOUT NOW? IS THAT GOOD? HELLO?!? (Shoots more) Yeah I think that's good (dismounts from turret). He would let me know if there was a problem.

Freeman: [after experiencing the Xen trampoline for the first time] You're the reason we have napalm!

Freeman: It's kinda hard to think of excuses when people are shooting at you inside of a ventilation shaft. I had the same problem in high school.

Freeman: Ok, I have no idea where I'm going... umm, I guess I'll have to consort with the Dark Powers here because I'm out of ideas. [uses the Xen trampoline] WAA-WAA-AAA-AAUG-OOOF! [lands on a roof] Ok, thank you oh Dark Ones, I pay homage.

Episode 50 [ edit ]

Freeman: (Turns around corner and see's a security guard very quickly) BLAH! (Reacts very fast and accidentally shoots the wall next to the guard), So the ghosts aren't telling me to shoot you, so I guess you can be a part of the Freeman fan club! Guard: Sure. I didn't want to die alone anyways.

Freeman: (Walks through a tunnel, turns right, and sees a Gargantua shove a car into a soldier) OH BOY, THIS WAS THE WRONG WAY (Starts running but turns to see the security guard shooting the Gargantua) NOW'S YOUR CHANCE! SHOOT HIM! SHOOT ITS ASS GOOD! FUCKING DO IT! (Runs off)

Freeman: (Gargantua destroys gate) Oh shit that buckled fast! (Runs to airstrike control panel) YEAH! Let's do it again! (Hits button, an airstrike starts, the Gargantua shows no fear and keeps walking into the bombs) Yeah walk into it! YEAH GOOD GODZILLA! THAT'S A GOOD GODZILLA! (Gargantua gets blown up) YES THAT'S A GOOD JOB!

Freeman: (Studying the tactical airstrike map) I am again amazed that there is no authentication here. It's just two big joysticks and a red button. I guess the military understood the intelligence of the people they were working with.

Episode 51 [ edit ]

Freeman: See, chess doesn't prepare you for this. You can't say that a rook and three pawns flanked your knight but he laid down suppressing fire and punched through them anyway. You get disqualified if you try that. Maybe I've been disqualified from reality.

Episode 52 [ edit ]

Freeman: I guess that hole is sealed so water doesn't seep in when it rains and floods the underground man-made pond here with no source of water. And this all makes sense, because we're in the desert.

Freeman: I am glad this [automated turret] shot the aliens though, and that it's not programmed to only shoot me, because frankly that wouldn't surprise me at this point.

Episode 53 [ edit ]

Freeman: Uhh... why is this all green? [upon discovering the room spilled with radioactive] FUCK! THIS IS RADIOACTIVE! [rushes back in the elevator, with the elevator buttons not working] ABORT! ABORT!

Freeman: Do you know what the number one regret of dying people is? It's "I regret playing near all that radioactive waste because now I'm fucking dying!"

Freeman: Well, I'm satisfied. Through the power of hypnotic suggestions and a tank, I was able to convince all these people they were dead.

Freeman: [throws a grenade at an Alien Grunt] Follow the happy ball! What could it be? [the alien dodges the grenade] No! You didn't- [firefight ensues and ends with the alien dead] You were supposed to follow the happy ball and you didn't! Now no one's happy!

Freeman: [destroys an alien auto-cannon with a rocket launcher] See, this is why I'm such a good theoretical physicist. I solve problems that shouldn't even exist to begin with.

Freeman: How is this [.50 BMG] gun NOT shooting through a tool cabinet? Does Snap-On have a special tank-proof model or something?

Episode 54 [ edit ]

Freeman: Yeah... I'm about 90% sure that this scientist didn't kill himself to paint the floor with his blood as part of some performance art piece he was doing. Even engineering wouldn't do something like that.

Freeman: It's Occam's Shuriken: when the answer is elusive, never rule out ninjas.

Freeman: Ninjas understand quantum mechanics a lot more than people realize. That was a controversial part of my dissertation.

Freeman: You can never prove the absence of ninjas, only their direct presence.

Freeman: [after firefight with Black Ops] But, really, in all likelihood, this is how I'm going to die. Not today, I'm strapped and wired as shit right now, but hey, maybe a year from now-- ten years-- it's almost a certainty ninjas are going to track me down and try and kill me. It's a matter of honor now. [quickly sneaks around wall] Ha! And, really, it's no surprise, given my lifestyle. I'd hardly be the first. Who's the Italian one? Ettore Majorana. Brilliant theoretical physicist, friends with Heisenberg, wasn't much older than me before he was killed by ninjas.

Episode 55 [ edit ]

Freeman: [discussing the Black Mesa incident again] There's probably gonna be a Congressional hearing about us later, asking "how did this happen?". And every single person is gonna say "Uhhhhh... uhhhhhh... uhhhh..."

Freeman: Whoever set up this intercom system