21-year-old Zachary Burdick has pleaded guilty to — oh dear god — masturbating in and desecrating a baptismal pool inside of a church.

The incident took place on a Tuesday morning in October at the Catholic Spirit of Life Church in Mandan, North Dakota. An employee saw Burdick take off his clothes and jump into the baptismal fountain near the entrance. He then “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain” before splashing around and walking down the aisle “while still masturbating”… all while 75 people were attending mass.

Said the employee:

I asked Zachary about masturbating and told him he cannot do that in front of others. Zachary replied “especially in church.” Next, I asked Zachary if he was masturbating to get sexual gratification. Zachary said yes and that he was “trying to bust a nut.”

Don’t do meth, kids. (Burdick said he was under the influence of the drug in addition to hashish oil.)

According to The Smoking Gun, Burdick “pleaded guilty Thursday to misdemeanor disorderly conduct and indecent exposure charges.”

[Burdick] was originally charged with felony indecent exposure, but that count was reduced as part of a plea deal. A District Court judge has not set a sentencing date for Burdick, according to an online case docket.

The estimated cost to clean and sanitize the baptismal fountain is $500. The memory will last a lifetime.

(Thanks, I think, to Mark for the link)

