Starsweep to Ezra’s where Wesleywolf is blogging on an old typewriter.

For you youngsters out there, when you write a blog on paper it’s generally called a journal. Aria comes in just as the phone is ringing. Wesleywolf doesn’t want to pick it up, but Aria’s like, “Dude it could be Ezra” and SHE CAN NOT MISS A CALL FROM EZRA YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. The line goes dead as soon as Wesleywolf picks up. He panics and suggests they go for a walk absolutely anywhere else.

Back at therapy central, Emily gets put into a super hyponotherapy hypotrance. Instead of recalling the events of the lighthouse, Emily recalls the events of Ali’s murder. Like um, the events of Ali’s murder by Emily. Let me clarify. Emily remembers herself killing Ali with a shovel.

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I believe that Emily killed Ali exactly not at all. At this point, I think more reliable information about Ali’s murder could be gleaned from Aria/Hanna slashfic.

Dr. Shrink is just wracked with emotion too.

With the barn magically cleared out, Caleb and Hanna get ready to hit the road. Caleb’s uncle wants them to stay for a bit and have a couple of Mike’s Hard Lemonaids, but Caleb just wants to get the fuck outta Dodge. Before they do, Caleb’s uncle gives Hanna a picture of Caleb at six months. He claims he found it on the floor but that doesn’t make much sense becau– Oh. The uncle is totally Caleb’s dad, right? That’s totally what’s going on here.

Back at the Field’s ranch, Emily starts to have an anxiety meltdown. Emily looks over her Eiffel Tower postcard and falls into another pastel flashback.

There’s a lot of those going around these days. Looks like the post cards were part of Emily and Ali’s secret close relationship love affair. Like Ali was planning a fantasy trip for the two of them to gay Paree.

I can never decide if Ali had secret complex feelings for Emily or if she was just literally the most manipulative bitch of all time. I also sort of like the idea that maybe none of this really went down the way Emily remembers. I think a theme of Pretty Little Liars is that all of our memories are partial, subjective and that “the truth” may or may not really exist. Emily might remember Ali flirting in a way that Ali doesn’t. What “really” happened might be somewhere in between.

Pam comes home to find Emily in the middle of her full blown emotional breakdown. There’s a lot of I’m Terrible going on but Pam is having none of that shit. She’s a power mom who is in charge of telling Emily how awesome and perfect and wonderful she is. I’ve really loved Pam ever since her season two complete personality change. I think Pam totally agrees with me about the cognitive behavioral therapy.

Spencer meets up with the Secret Agent Man, yet again, and this time he has the key and address. Gee whiz is it just me or is there a whole lot of talk about what’s going to be behind the locked door. I can’t shake the feeling we’ve heard this somewhere before.

On the other side of who knows where, Aria and Wesleywolf stroll down the block like two future lovebirds who I’m already shipping because, whatever sometimes I ship straight werewolf couples. All of a sudden a man comes up behind them. Like every adult in Rosewood, he’s out of his skull crazy and leaps at Wesleywolf fists of fury style. So Wesleywolf clocks him. Standard Pretty Little Liars stuff.

Back at Ezra’s Annex, Wesleywolf explains to Aria what the fuck is going on. Apparently Wesleywolf is doing his best to get kicked out of prep school. Turns out having a lot of money and a good education is really hard. So. So. Hard.

Either way, getting kicked out of prep school is pretty hard if your mom keeps paying off the school to let you back in. So Wesleywolf tried something truly inappropriate — hitting on a hot physics teacher. Going to second base with a high school teacher may have worked for Aria, but it got Wesleywolf slapped with a suspension and an irate husband.

Starsweep to the Marin household where Calebanna process all their feelings. They think about getting a cat or four, but instead decide to attend A Camp together at the next available session. Hanna gives Caleb the photo. Hanna then does this cool thing where she actually has some insight and notices that the edges are worn. More importantly, she noticed that Caleb’s father in the picture is wearing the same ring as Caleb’s “uncle.” I totally called it. Caleb is not convinced.

Elsewhere, someone is at Dr. Shrink’s door. I’m not fucking joking, this is the whole episode. It is just too meta. Who’s at the door?

It’s MonA who’s just swung by by Dr. Shrink’s office to drop off an orchid. She’s all uptight pre-A MonAed out, because nothing says reformed criminal like a headband. Even Dr. Shrink can tell that the orchid has some sort of video camera on it. She tries to kind of leave, but MonA has some very coy words for her about how much she “helped her.” FYI I think I’m in love with evil MonA. I also hope she fingerbangs someone this season because straight chicks are just not this invested in the goings on in lesbian lives.

Elsewhere, the loudest music ever plays as Spencer walks down what is clearly the same set as Ezra’s hallway. She uses her A key to unlock the super special door and finally figure out Who’s At This Fucking Door?!

Just kidding. It’s nothing!

Wait. Fuck. Nothing? Just an empty apartment. Boring.

I’m not sure what Spencer was hoping to find. I suppose getting access to A’s lair would have been a big deal. Maybe she thought if TobAy didn’t clear out the lair it meant he really loved her. That he was just helping MonA because of blackmail.

So what does the empty room mean then? Does the empty room mean the key was fake all along– just TobAy and MonA fucking with Spencer? Or does it merely mean they cleared out the room as soon as they realized what Spencer had? Either way, abcFamily keeps telling me to tweet #poorspencer. I feel like that would have been more appropriate the whole time Spencer had to date TobAy. Like even before we know he was A, when he was just gross.

Later that night, the Liars gather with Jason at Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony in a super dramatic mausoleum to sort out their feelings. You read that correctly, it’s in a mausoleum. I can see the cracked granite of it getting broken into fourth season already.

No one knows much what to say, but fortunately Spencer shows up and blows-up crazy eyes style. The other Liars are horrified but Spencer word vomits all of Ali’s dirty secrets to Jason. They don’t have much, just that Ali was pregnant with Wilden’s baby when she died. Okay now that I’ve written it out it seems like a bigger deal.

Either way we should remember that Jason is totally in cahoots with MonA. He’s also a major suspect in the Throwing Garrett Off A Train situation.

The Liars panic and just sort of run out of the mausoleum in all directions. Generally speaking running away is actually a moderally good plan 15% of the time. This might actually be one of those times. Outside, Emily, Hanna and Aria try to figure out why Spencer’s gone off the deep end. Emily hears the sprinklers and suddenly her mind goes clear. She realizes she had her whole hypnotic trance memory wrong. Surprise! Emily was actually remembering the night Ali’s grave was dug up.

She remembers standing by the grave screaming that it was a bad idea while someone, almost definitely TobAy digs up the body. Nearby, the blonde in the red coat watches.

I’m psyched because Hanna is the only Liar with the gall to propose the idea that Ali is alive and the blonde in the red coat. But why would Ali fuck with her friends A style? That just seems mean. Plus we know that A was stalking Ali before the other Liars. I know lots of people love the good old fashioned twin theory where Nice Twin Ali is dead and Crazy Twin Ali is A, but then why would Ali keep showing up when the girls are drugged up? My new theory is a triplet Ali. There’s Evil Red Coat A Ali, Manipulative Friend Ali and some other chick who looks just like them who’s dead. Alternatively there could be resurrection magic involved. Just saying.

By some crazy coincidence, Ali’s body is buried in the same mausoleum as TobAY’s mother. Spencer takes this opportunity to vandalize TobAy’s mother’s tombstone by carving TobAy’s name above Cavaunagh.

I get that this is supposed to be deep, like TobAy’s dead to Spencer, but what did that poor woman ever do to Spencer? Sure she gave birth to a sociopath, but you can’t really blame her for that. Poor form Spencer. Poor form.

In the final creepy cut scene we starsweep to a liquore store. Looks like A is stashing up on whiskey. Well, I hear that.

Tune in next week where Emily and Paige will continue to have their relationships off screen. I assume this will include learning through a series of tossed out one liners that they’ve moved in together and finally decided what song to sing at karaoke night. Spoiler alert: it’s Summer Nights from Grease.

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