Washington D.C.—

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan recently surprised no one when he announced his retirement from Congress just as his party was on the cusp of losing its majority in the House of Representatives in an electoral midterm shellacking, but Mr. Ryan did surprise political pundits by announcing he’d spend his retirement following his dream of clubbing baby seals to death in northern Canada.

“I can tell you that Paul feels now is the right time to retire,” explained a Ryan confidant in the House, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the Speaker’s plans. “He achieved his number two dream of passing tax reform that screws over the nation’s struggling poor in order for the mega rich and corporations to horde the profits of the country’s downtrodden laborers at nation-threatening-levels of economic inequality, so now he feels ready to go after his number one dream of murdering cute, big-eyed, cuddly baby seals. He told me he’s buying a one-way ticket to Canada, and that he won’t stop clubbing until he feels that God has given him a sign that it’s time to accept some of the cushy lobbying and board of directors jobs waiting for him as a corporate ‘thank you’ for his work eviscerating America’s budgetary stability in favor of CEOs’ capital gains profits.”

Another Congressional friend of Mr. Ryan said he was glad that Ryan could finally do what he had always been talking.

“No one deserves this more than Paul,” said the Congressman. “The average person just has no idea how hard Paul’s job has been these last two years. Paul heroically kept together a Republican House delegation constantly threatening to fracture, and every day he had to act like it was totally normal that House Republicans were ideologically shifting toward far-Right hate groups and neo-fascist nationalism based on white supremacy. Paul did truly commendable work bridging the natural divisions between disparate conservative factions like the KKK, the Alt-Right, various militia groups that can’t wait to declare civil war against the US military, libertarians who want to destroy the economy going back to the gold standard, neo-con warmongers who think bombing dozens of countries at the same time is what best exemplifies American global leadership, and straight up Russian-bought assets bribed to promote Russia’s interests in Congress. Do you want that job? I highly doubt it! But Paul went to work every day, and just barely managed to hold this coalition of immoderate fanatics together by going out of his way to never publicly appear to have any principles or values that might potentially upset or embarrass the various radicals in the Republican tent. And then there’s Trump. Paul suffered every day pretending he hadn’t read any of Trump’s unAmerican tweets, or ever heard of the Republican National Committee being directly complicit in funneling Republican donor money to Trump’s personal net worth. If you ask me, Paul deserves to club as many baby seals to death as his heart desires. He may have done nothing to defend our institutions of liberal democracy from being dismantled into irrelevant shells of their former federal glory, and nothing to protect Congress’s roles as a co-equal branch to the executive branch, but that’s what Republicans call success! My only hope for Paul’s retirement is that he can find a hint of nirvana out there in the Canadian hinterland clubbing those baby seals.”

Upon news of Mr. Ryan’s retirement, the Koch Brothers gifted him with a deluxe wooden baseball bat branded with the words “World’s Best Congressman.”

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(Picture courtesy of Alias 0591.)

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