With their tassel loafers, lambswool knitted cardigan and well-above-the-waist autumn brown corduroy trousers, the clean shaven Christian missionary is the perfect target for an impromptu “Hail Satan!”

Open the door with a welcoming grin. Hold out your hand to greet them. And, being careful not to jump the gun and interrupt their opening spiel, give them a day to remember by bellowing one helluva Ave Satanas!

BONUS POINTS: A copy of The Satanic Bible should be held in the other hand. Over your shoulder, a black candlelit altar (replete with sprawled naked women and Lustmord blaring) should give Jesus’ favorite bell-pusher something to talk about for years to come!