Posted 27 September 2013 - 09:42 AM

Quote

The solemn Stalker pilot perched himself upon a mangled Atlas, with a very injured expression upon his face he fell upon his knees to the cockpit floor. The puny plot of the story was so thin, however, when compared to the deep mystery through which he was groping, and he found his attention wander so continually from the action to the fact, that he at last flung it across the room and gave himself up entirely to a consideration of the events of the day. Supposing that this unhappy young man’s story were absolutely true, then what hellish thing, what absolutely unforeseen and extraordinary calamity could have occurred between the time when he parted from his father, and the moment when, drawn back by his screams, he rushed into the glade? It was something terrible and deadly. What could it be? Might not the nature of the injuries reveal something to my mechanical instincts?

I thought I'd rewrite this, something tells me English is not your native language, and some of the story doesn't make a lot of sense. No offence; your story was still interesting =pHe clambered onto the mangled Atlas corpse and gazed across its wrecked body, a solemn expression on his face. Locating what used to be the cockpit, he fell to his knees and searched carefully, a particular prize on his mind. Unable to place his cut and bruised hands on the treasure he searched for, he flung the useless wreckage in his grasp away and fell back into contemplation of the day's events. Supposing that the intercepted transmission were true, what hellish thing, what unforeseen and extraordinary calamity could have occurred moments after father and son separated? What could have caused such destruction in the few moments between their parting, and, drawn back by his screaming static, the discovery of his shattered 'mech? The Stalker pilot had searched in vain to ascertain the nature of his father's injuries. One thing was certain: this murder had been performed in cold blood.

Edited by Yosharian, 27 September 2013 - 09:54 AM.