Tony Parsons is right. I should know. I've earned less than my female partner for most of our two decades together and just as he predicted, my penis has quite literally dropped off.

I'm not alone either. Every year, more men are settling into roles as either secondary earners or househusbands. Surveys suggest that women now out-earn men in around a third of working couples. A lot of guys already have a disposable nappy in one hand and a detachable penis in the other, and the trend is only going one way.

Despite the disproportionate impact on women of public sector cuts, there are still three British men unemployed for every two women, and ONS figures show the difference is almost entirely accounted for by the young. Among 25-34 year olds, men are 17% more likely to be unemployed than women, and between 18 and 24, there are five unemployed men for every three women. In the last year, unemployment in that age group has risen three times as quickly for men as for women.

The recession has hit poor households the hardest, with poor men, notably poor black men, bearing the brunt. Young women now earn more than young men, outnumber them by three to two in higher education, leave with significantly better grades, and are much more likely to find work. Those male graduates who do find a job tend to earn higher salaries than women – before the tender age of 25 the male population is already polarising into life's losers and winners. The era of dependable male breadwinners is all but gone.

The statistics are shocking, but more disturbing is our collective reluctance to identify this as a problem of social policy and economics. Male underachievement is assumed to be the product of individual failings.

The same phenomenon has become a small industry in the US, where young men are mocked and caricatured in hit movies, their lives are pathologised by psychologists, and they are branded deadbeat by bestselling authors. The demise of the domestic patriarch is certainly welcome, but like postwar Britain, our young men have lost an empire and not yet found a role.

Promises come in many guises, perhaps the most seductive are the promises of tradition and culture. Growing up as a straight male in the 1980s, I never stopped to think about my vision of the future. I just presumed that eventually I'd have a career, a home and a beautiful family. I'm exceptionally lucky that I do have those things. I just never imagined it would be me with the part-time work, the school run and the marigolds. And you know what? It's fine. If this is what is in store for a large proportion of male graduates, they could do a lot worse. Hannah Rosin thinks this is the End of Men. I hope it is a new beginning.

That's not a call for complacency. I'm not for a moment suggesting that we take a culture where a woman is presumed to be the dutiful supportive partner and simply switch the roles. I'm suggesting we genuinely embrace equal opportunities and equal roles. We can't do that while political indifference and economic austerity are pushing many young men ever further behind.

At a policy level, this should include acknowledging that some of those in greatest need of support are those traditionally considered to be privileged. To give one example, the ESF community learning fund, one of few national adult education funds to have survived the austerity cuts, prioritises disabled people; those over 50; ethnic minorities; women and lone parents – anyone except young, white, childless men.

We must also look seriously at the way we educate and socialise our boys. Systematic failings must be identified and challenged, not wished away. More profoundly, we need to reappraise what it means to be a man. There really is no such thing as a man's role any more, either at home or at work. Either we create modern jobs that are fit for young men, or we raise young men who are fit for modern jobs. Too often we're doing neither.

In Stiffed: The Betrayal of the Modern Man, Susan Faludi described how men and women cling to patriarchal values, even as the fortress crumbles. "Men don't see how they are influenced by the culture," she wrote, "if they did they would have to let go of the illusion of control."

The illusion of control needs to go the same way as the old certainties. Men are no longer kings of their own castle, nor are they deadweight losers. Any person, male or female, gay or straight, who imagines an uninterrupted life as a breadwinner, is likely to be disappointed. Anyone who expects to settle down with a more high-achieving provider is likely to be frustrated. Most young people are smart enough to see that, and will sort it out between themselves.

Social attitudes and values change quickly. Go back a generation or two and many men doubtless feared penile detachment at the prospect of a female boss, an attitude that seems prehistoric today. Parsons admits he learned his values watching his father work himself into an early grave. I'm not sure we should want anyone to have to learn that lesson ever again.

If we are to begin to address some of the problems facing young men we need to uncouple masculinity from those reactionary expectations. Or, if you prefer, we need to detach the penis from the pay packet.

But I feel a little like the crusty old grandfather in a rocking chair here, so I'd love to hear from younger people themselves. If you're a male graduate do you recognise your life in the Judd Apatow movies or the ONS statistics? If you're a young woman, are you prepared for a possible future as the family breadwinner? Because it won't be me and my generation solving many of these problems. That's down to you.

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