You might not read the whole blog post- it’s a lengthy one I know. So I’ll say the most important part right now.

If you EVER harass me you WILL be published on the blog, twitter, facebook and whatever media I have. I don’t back down, I don’t back of. And I’m sure my friends won’t either. And girl, if you have ANY problems with ANYBODY - please reach out to me. Now

A long day

It has been a long day. I just came back from the police station. I feel drained. Tired.

“What happens now?” I asked

“Nothing. If he makes a physical approach then we might have a case” The policeman said

I have a case and I’ll chase the person down. I already have a lot of information, and I don’t need the police to fight this. A part of my fight is making publicly all the details. I know some of you will be able to help, so contact me if you recognize the phone-numbers, the person or anything else.

Sitting in the car my mind drifted, my last year and a half as a developer spun in my head. It has been a crazy year and a half. Good and bad. But I’ve been quiet about the worst.

By no means do I consider myself a role model, a martyr, or a woman’s right ambassador. I didn’t want that role, it was a battle and I felt unprepared. I was closing my eyes, and my mouth. Being hit in the face with a “Nothing” after everything that has happened the last 17 months has changed that. How do you gain control over people?

You keep them scared and keep them quiet.

I’m not scared, and I am sure as hell not staying quiet.

How do you worst manage problems? You pretend they don’t exist

How do you control people? Keep them scared and keep them quiet

I was interviewed by the most known computer magazine in Sweden about my career change. The interview is short, two pictures and a video. As soon as the article is posted extremely offensive comments are posted as well (you can read some of the translate comments here, unfortunately many comments were already remove when I took the screen shot). Barely an hour in the comment feed is closed. Three hours in all offensive comments are deleted, my images removed, and the video removed on one article. The title of the article is changed not to indicate my gender.

And article about a strong woman that looks different that creates strong reactions from the male developer community is suddenly an article about a person captured by code (so it’s not an active choice), and everybody is cheering for her. A few weeks later the same newspaper writes an editorial about this, and how shame it is they had to close the comment feed, and how we need more women in CS. Nothing about removing my identity, and pretending the problem doesn’t exist.

But my blog has the evidence. Comments after comments not approved due to their vulgar language. Some have made it though, and you’ll find them here and there.

But my inbox has the evidence. Email after email with profane comments and suggestions.

Would you tell young girls to not tell? What message are we sending?

I ignored – I ignore no more.

Cause you see, I even got myself two stalkers.

Incidents

Let’s go back to in time. The say you should record all incidents. Time, place and what. Let’s have a look at some of mine, and don’t worry I’ll tell you everything about the police incidence. First things first. And it always starts so subtle. Is there really a problem?

EDIT (from Stupid Question 108: After Q107, what now Iris?)

The incidents I encountered were just a few, writing about everything would make for a rather long blog post so instead I chose a sample, and made sure that the ‘seriousness’ of the incidents varied- so more people could relate and also because I wanted to ask the question: where do we draw the line? I don’t know, but I want to know how others feel. Some of the incidents, taken out of context and standing alone, seem insignificant (and might even so be) - but when put together I wonder what the connection is and if they OK the next action and next incident. You can agree with all, parts of it, or none of it- but your options matter and I wanted to hear them. I might have gotten more than I bargained for…

Record all incidents

During first UG I attend I get tagged on FB with a comment: look we have female developers. I win a T-Shirt for being the only woman there. Does not feel like an accomplishment, nor a compliment.

Not a big deal?

During the opening of a conference girls dressed as cheerleaders, called the Azure girls, sing about penises and drugs.

Still not a big deal?

Later that night a band sings about watching TV and wanking of, getting all the guys to sing along. The lead singer is wearing a T-Shirt saying dolphins are gay sharks.

Still not a big deal?

During the same conference, in the evening, male developers are placing bets if a guy will succeed or not to hit on me. While a guy runs up to me and rudely addresses me, his mates are cheering in the background. I leave in tears and I leave early.

Still not a big deal?

During a live rehearsal of my session ‘Stupid Questions and N00bs’ talking about how women in computer science was at 50% during the 80’s but has since declined I get a comment that since they were using punch cards it was a job even women could do.

Still not a big deal?

I’m approached during a conference by a young developer, he scans me from top to toe and says: What are YOU doing here, because obviously you are not a developer. The look on his face as he turns my name tag around and it has Speaker written in red on it, priceless.

Still not a big deal?

I’ve been getting inappropriate emails that are making me very uncomfortable, they are of private nature and subtle suggestive.

Still not a big deal? Here is my day today

The sms’es I got today

Today

08:30 am– My husband leaves for work. First time I don’t go with him- I got a few things to take care of at home before I head to work

08:35 am – Phone call from a number I don’t recognize. Breathing on the other end. Person hangs up after a 10 seconds. I get a weird feeling. I go to my computer to look up the number.

08:38 am – My phone plings. It’s an MMS with a video. The video is of a man masturbating, video is shot from the hipbone down to mid-thigh. It’s a white male, overweight, small chubby hands, no dirt under his nails and he is circumcised. He is aroused, breaths heavily, but has a problem with his erection. The video is recorded just a few minutes before it was sent.

08:42 am – SMS: “Are you kind of horny? Maybe craving a big hard cock..?” Text is in Swedish

08:43 am – SMS: “Or maybe just some arousing phonesex? With video call?” Text is in Swedish

09:03 am - I text back: “ Fuck of. I’m on my way to the police right now, with information from your phone carrier Telia and meta data from the video. I’m married, so the answer is no, and don’t you fucking think that you have the right to do this you fucking idiot. Do you really think you can be anonymous when you send a video through sms? As soon as I have your address the police will knock on your door and hand over an Idiot of The Year diploma to you. Congratulations. No you keep wanking of, but do it on your own. “

09:20 am – phone rings, a different number (turns out to be another phone carrier, Comviq). Following conversation takes place.

Him : “I want to fuck your pussy, I’m going to…” – he is making his voice hoarser and darker, breathing heavily but also sounding nervous

Me: “Look dude, if you want to talk to me you got to speak up. I can’t hear a shit because of the whole breathing thing you got going on”

He pauses. Complete silence for a few seconds. Then repeats what he said, word for word, louder. I can better hear his voice.

Me: “Really? You can’t talk louder? I’m telling you I really can’t hear what you are saying. Turn it up”

He repeats, loudly this time, sounds nervous as hell and not that aroused anymore. His voice cracks mid-sentence and he hangs up. He doesn’t call back.

Still not a big deal?

Wish I could say it was the first time. Wish I could say it usually doesn’t happen. But even a quick google will let you know that this is very common for female developers to experience. There is even a timeline where you can read about some documented incidents, and I think some of the things I’ve witnessed are even represented here.There is even a site where (I assume) female gamers can upload creepy comments in RE to playing, and the offensive nature of the comments is shocking, and scary.

Still not a big deal?

.

Image borrowed from the site-!

What scares me even more, is the advice and response some of you have given me.

The advice and response I’ve been given that I dislike and disagree with:

Ignore it- most studies actually conclude that you should not ignore

Hide – rather impossible, and it also gives the impression that the problem does not exist

Take it- I should kind of blame myself for looking the way I look I had a comment or two say

And then the advice I Iike

Fight it – not take it, not hide, and not change who you are

My question to you, **Still not a big deal?**

Last modified on 2012-12-19