I started writing this last night but thankfully, fell asleep before I could publish it.

Trying not to panic is one of my main goals as we hunker down and wait out the pandemic. Tonight, however, I feel scared and alone.

I know this is going to sound weird, but I spent a great deal of time as a firefighter and paramedic. I did some training with FEMA, as well as training for mass casualty incidents. Thankfully, I never had to use that training, but over the years, I would run through scenarios in my head and figure out how I would manage them should they ever arise.

In every single one of those scenarios, my family was whole, and we worked together to make it through. Not one time did I ever imagine I would be trying to get my kids through something like this alone, and yet here I’m trying to do just that.

I’m overwhelmed, lonely, and if I’m honest, scared. What happens if I get sick?

I have no idea how I’m going to get us through this. Being a single parent is tough on a good day, and this isn’t a good day. Unfortunately, it’s going to be quite sometime before we come out on the other side of this dark tunnel. Until then, I have to exercise extreme caution to protect my kids, especially in Gavin’s case.

Apparently, trying to survive a global pandemic isn’t super helpful while battling depression. Who knew?

I’m trying to hold it together so we can get through this intact. I’m projecting a positive but cautious demeanor for my kids. The last thing they need is for me to panic. They feel safe because I’m making them feel safe. If I freak out, I won’t be able to provide that level of comfort for them.

I’m hoping for a good nights sleep because I really need it and it should help find a better headspace. The kids are sleeping, and I’m grateful for that.