We’re just past President Trump’s 100th day in office , and just when we thought things couldn’t get any better, this happens.

And President Trump really delivered, with a complete plan for comprehensive tax reform detailed in nineteen vague bullet points.

Here are the highlights:

1. No More Death Tax.

The death tax, aka the estate tax, is an un-american tax placed on the intergenerational transfer of wealth. And no, contrary to what the liberals will tell you, it’s not just a tax on the wealthy. It affects all Americans–single and married…inheriting at least $5 million and $11 million respectively.

In fact, each year a staggering 0.2% of all estates are unfairly taxed by our stupid government.

It’s an all too familiar story: You and your spouse inherit the family farm. You’re cleaning out the house. And hey! What do you know? Looks like GanGan squirreled away $11 million under her mattress from selling lavender shortbreads at the monthly church jumble.

But guess what? Now the government gets to take it away. Way to go, GanGan. Maybe you shouldn’t have died.

Luckily, Republicans understand that dying sucks. Which is why they’re repealing the death tax. Because after you die, you shouldn’t have to worry about paying a bunch of taxes.

Great news, since it looks like us Americans are going to be doing a bit more dying under President Trump’s signature healthcare bill, DonT. Care. But no more health insurance mandates! WIN!

2. MASSIVE Tax Cuts for the Upper Class!

That’s right! Trump’s plan has some serious cuts for top earners including a 4.6% reduction in the marginal rate, plus a 3.8% reduction on investment income. Not to mention the BIGGEST corporate tax cuts in HISTORY!

Wait a second…

How does that help the middle class?

Three words: Trickle Down Economics.

Liberals love to hate on trickle down economics, but they’re dumb. It definitely works!

I mean, think about it. It’s common sense. When the rich become super rich, who directly benefits? That’s right. We do!

How does wealth ‘trickle down’? So many different ways: A couple balled-up hundreds roll out of some rich guy’s pant leg. A Range Rover hits a speed bump and a few crocodile Birken Bags fly out the passenger window. A retired couple decides to walk home from lunch and leaves a “free” sign on their brand-new, dump-run Lexus.

And Wait! There’s More Good News!

Turns out President Trump isn’t the only genius working on tax reform.

Wow, Paul. That would be something. Except, a postcard seems a little plain? If you really want to get the American people fired up about tax reform, you’re gonna have to do a little better.

Don’t worry. I can help.

NOW WE’RE TALKIN’! Or how about…

That’s really something! Or…

Fun!

Why President Trump’s Tax Plan is The GREATEST Tax Plan in the Entire Universe.

Because it’s comprised of 19 bullet points and a blank index card. In other words, it’s a simple solution to a complex problem. And simple solutions are the best kind. Why? Because I understand them, and they seem really easy to do.

See, us Republicans are emotional folk. And when political candidates fear-monger the living shit out of us, we don’t want wonky, long-winded policy prescriptions. We want solutions–preferably fast, easy ones that will fix everything, so the world can get back to being just as perfect as it used to be in our wildest, nostalgic fantasies of the past.

Luckily, President Trump’s all about fast, easy solutions! Ever hear the phrase keep it simple stupid? Well, President Trump keeps it simpler and stupider than any president in history!!

Illegal Immigration–> Build a Wall

Terrorism–> Bomb the shit out of Isis.

NATO is outdated–> Quit!

NAFTA is dumb!–> Quit!

Economic Inequality–> The War on Coal is Over!

Our country could use more of this kind of thinking….so here you go, America. You’re welcome.

How to Solve Literally Every Major Problem Facing the USA.

1. National Debt-

Debt is bad. And thanks solely to Obama, we have $19 trillion dollars of it. You might not realize just how big of a number 19 trillion is. So just for perspective, that’s enough to give 19 people $1 trillion dollars each.

Luckily this is a super easy fix. Call up the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, have them print up $20 Trillion, and pay it all off. Boom. Done.

AND as a treat for paying off the national debt, we can use the extra $1 trillion to build the wall.

2. The War on Christmas-

A brief history of the War On Christmas: The phrase “Happy Holidays” was coined in 1942 by songwriter and left-wing activist Irving Berlin. With the help of Bing Crosby, Berlin’s song “Happy Holidays” has become a classic secular anthem and an enduring force behind the nation-wide war on Christmas and Christianity. Anti-Christmas sentiment culminated in 2015 when Starbucks issued plain, red and green “holiday” cups, free of Christian imagery.

So how to we end the WOC? Simple. Cancel national acknowledgement of all other holidays. Done!

3. Declining Air Quality-

Clearly, this isn’t a major issue, but just to show all you liberal a-holes that I’m a nice guy, here are a few easy, common sense fixes that you’d never be able to think up, because you’re all dumb.

Install Glade Plugins in all remaining giant Circuit City outlets. There are thousands of derelict Circuit City buildings around the country. Time to put them to use for something other than free hobo mansions.

Giant Yankee Candles. Nothing masks the scent of particulate matter like the rich, nuanced fragrance of yankee candle. Notes of ozone, citrus, cedar, and vanilla bean meld to create soothing, natural harmony in even the most polluted areas.

4. Terrorism-

Here’s an understatement for you, America. Terrorism is bad.

Luckily, there’s a SUPER EASY way to protect yourself completely.

What do you get when you cross the Ironman suit with the power of the holy spirit? The Full Armor of God from Ephesians 6:11.

Can a suit of armor really protect you against all foreign and domestic terrorism? Well, it can handle the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm…so, yeah, I think it’ll do the trick.

I did some pokin’ around, and it looks like you can get a pretty nice set for about twenty bucks on Amazon.

Adding on from last time…America is currently 36.616% Great. More to come. Stay tuned.

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