Dear Goose who Terrorizes 5th Street SW,

I heard you invite some friends to join your little gang this morning. At 5 am. I’ve noticed you’re quite the early riser. I, however, am not.

This has got to stop. I get it. It’s warm back in Canada now, you can finally return home and that must be so great for you. I know when I am away and finally come home from a long trip away, it’s pretty damn joyous. But can’t you just celebrate in a way that is a bit quieter, an inch nicer?

Nobody touched your stuff while you were away. I Promise. I was watching out for you the entire time. Yeah, there’s a bit more construction than when you left, but this is Calgary! We always start way too many unnecessary projects that will never be completed before you fly back to find warmth for winter. I swear, your home is the same. So could you please inform me what we did to piss you off so badly? Was

Terrorizer, I was discussing your existence with my co-worker and he suggested you might not be getting laid as reasoning for your unruly behaviour. Not the case. I have seen you with your gaggles of goslings, so obviously you’ve been busy. And adorable as they may be, I will not be tricked and made a fool. I know that they will be raised to be little assholes just like you.

Last week I watched you chase an innocent dog and his owner down the street, wings outstretched and waddling with dangerous intent. I cried out to the dog to run and I think that at least startled you enough to back off enough to let them make their escape. A dog! A cute little fluffball of love that wasn’t even looking in your direction!

When I was sixteen, one of your gang members chased my friend Kellee down a hill. And she scraped her knee. Her knee! You know where she is the last time I heard? Lethbridge. You and your kind scared her to live in LETHBRIDGE*, you menacing assholes. I’ve done some mean things in my day but never bad enough to force someone to live THERE.

So how can we live harmoniously together in this beautiful quadrant of Calgary? Did you know just North of us is the stunning river surrounded Prince’s Island Park? And just South you could lay bankside along the Elbow river? Those are both very beautiful accommodations that don’t have human residents who value safety and really appreciate sleeping in

What’s so appealing about my rocky alleyway? I have to warn my friends and family about you hateful gang before they come to visit. I jog for one block on my walk to work just to pass you. I fear that the wide open and expansive nature of my second floor balcony will seem like an invite to you one day and when I pull down the chain to open my vertical blinds, there you’ll be… waiting…staring…

I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I don’t want you as an alarm clock anymore.

I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I can’t think of a single reason I desserve to be treated this way. Next time you come at me, I’ll equip myself with the armour needed to take you on in a hand to wing combat and I will win.

Oh. I will win.

Love, Jillian

*Goose related attacks are probably not be the reason that Kellee may or may not live in Lethbridge.