Pigskin Prophet: The "Never Again" spring game edition

Pigskin Prophet by Contributor -

This has been a boring off-season to date.

Nick Saban allowed ESPN to televise the Alabama spring game, and while he looked okay in his off-the-rack suit from a discount store somewhere in Tuscaloosa (I kid, it was awful. That suit was absolutely terrible), I was a little disappointed that ESPN didn’t catch him doing more than criticizing Jalen Hurts (which he does, a lot).

I wanted Saban to stick out his tongue at Kirk Herbstreit or mangle a poor old guy on the chain crew for some error, but he was fairly calm. He did look as though he had swallowed some something terrible the night before, and whatever it was now trying to claw its way out his back end, but he always looks like that.

Georgia didn’t break the police blotter, Ohio St. didn’t get caught in a tattoo frenzy, Will Muschamp was captured on camera looking out of both eyes instead of his usual one (his lip disease looks like it’s healed) and Jim Harbaugh came to the realization that his program stinks and kept his team at home and his mouth shut.

Muschamp tried to provide some levity by downplaying Clemson’s Death Valley, but it came over flatter than a possum on Interstate 85.

As for the other spring games, there were some very solid (and by solid, I mean funny), takeaways.

NC STATE

The Wolfpack played their spring game in front of 12 hardy fans on a rainy spring day. Everybody stole towels, not just one defensive player, in an effort to keep dry. Pack head coach Dave Doeren did have one manic moment, however, after players were ejected. In a spring game. For fighting. Their own teammates.

That doesn’t bode well for the fall. Another key moment came late in the game when Doeren, standing in a puddle at midfield (presumably NOT of his own making after hearing that Clemson’s defense would be good again), noticed a laptop on one of the sidelines.

Doeren immediately raced over, asked who the head coach was, and when he was told that HE was the head coach he fired himself. Then turned the matter over to the league office. He also suspended himself after learning his buyout was too big to fire himself.

ACC Commissioner John Swofford, known for being lenient on North Carolina schools, took a hard line and is making Doeren watch all of North Carolina’s basketball games from last season.

SOUTH CAROLINA

The Garnet team beat the Black 34-20 in what might be the most difficult game the Gamecocks will play until next November's beatdown in Death Valley. Let’s face it, they play in the SEC Least and their other three non-conference games are Marshall, Sister Sadie Dinkins Sunday School Class, and the Socastee Fire Department’s Flag Football Team.

Add in all of those SEC Least dynamos, and the schedule sets up nice.

Jake Bentley had a good day, going 3-for-5. No, not passing, he flopped five times and the officials threw flags on three of the Cock Flops.

“Jake had a good day flopping,” Muschamp said. “We are going to need that kind of intensity out of him against the Socastee Fire Department.”

Bentley, icing his forehead after the game, asked about the final score and when heard the Black lost he screamed, “Never Again” and ran out of the building. Someone needs to find him, and soon. That boy isn’t wrapped all that tight, if you get my drift.

UNC

The Tar Heels didn’t have a spring game, mainly because the hot wine and cheese store in Chapel Hill is closed for renovations. After a grueling week of almost going to classes, it’s probably best for the players.

MICHIGAN

Harbaugh went full crazy last year and took his team to Rome, where they played in front of the Romans. After another season of extreme suckage, however, (they lost to South Carolina for crying out loud), Harbaugh kept the team at home. The university then decided to cancel the spring game because of the threat of storms. At least that’s what they said.

I think Harbaugh didn’t want Urban Meyer and the rest of the Small 10 to see how bad they can be. Harbaugh then disappeared. Someone needs to find him, and soon. That boy isn’t wrapped all that tight, if you get my drift.

TENNESSEE

Jeremy Pruitt isn’t off to the best start on Rocky Top. He ripped his own players. He ripped the fans. He ripped his staff. Dude hasn’t even coached a game and he’s already making enemies. How bad will it get if he loses to Vanderbilt and Kentucky with that attitude?

He was the QUOTE Defensive Coordinator UNQUOTE at Alabama, which means he stood around on a headset and talked to the other coaches about pizza while Saban made all the decisions. Now he has his own program, and a very bad offense tore up his really bad defense.

Not a good start.

GEORGIA TECH

PAWWWWWWWL has spent most of the spring crying about a lack of facilities at Georgia Tech, saying he can’t compete with other schools because his administration won’t join the 21st Century and enter the football arms race. The President responded and said as soon as Johnson’s offense joined this century, they would comply.

I kid.

But Johnson and the Yellow Jackets held a spring game in front of 211 fans, most of them engineering students who got lost on their way to class. What did they witness? Falling down. A lot of falling down.