As Twitchy told you, Vanity Fair’s out with yet another glowing profile of furry messiah Beto O’Rourke. And aside from the usual nauseating and embarrassing fare, it also contains a few nuggets of eye-catching information.

Like this, for example:

Are they joking with this? pic.twitter.com/b4txpKHZqr — Kate Hyde (@KateHydeNY) March 13, 2019

So, he really hasn’t learned any lessons from that whole DWI-and-almost-killing-someone thing, then. But we’ve certainly learned something:

BAHAHAHA raise your hand if you're only just now learning that Beto's DUI was the result of a drunk booty call pic.twitter.com/lZuCZ0sheL — Tiana Lowe (@TianaTheFirst) March 13, 2019

Guuuuh.

"in his telling he was pathetic but nonetheless chivalrous" — Drew Holden (@DrewHolden360) March 13, 2019

Well anyway, one thing’s for sure:

I guess his kids are lucky if that’s the worst thing that happens while they’re in the car with daddy. — Sgt. David Spracale of the Fan Police (@dspracale) March 13, 2019

For the love of God, America. Please take Beto O’Rourke’s keys away before he causes any more damage.