CALVIN & HOBBES QUOTES

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?

# CALVIN

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.

What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?

As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...

I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.

I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information

~

"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?"

"I'm not sure that man needs the help."

~

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.

Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?

Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

~

Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.

Hobbes : What mood is that?

Calvin : Last-minute panic.

~

"Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? ...I gotta get my life some writers."

~

"I'm a simple man, Hobbes."

"You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!"

"I'm a simple man with complex tastes."

~

"See Any UFOs?"

"Not yet."

"Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime."

"What will we do when they come?"

"See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser"

~

"My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper"

"Great"

"I'll write about the debate over Tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers?"

"Which side will you defend?"

"Oh, I believe they weer fearsome predators, definitely."

"How come?"

"They're *so* much cooler that way"

~

"I'm not going to so my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts."

"I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths."

"I prefer to savour the mystery."

~

Susie: You'd get a good grade without doing any work.

Calvin: So?

Susie: It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned.

Calvin: I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.

~

"Bad news Dad. Your polls are way down."

"My polls?"

"You rate especialy low among tigers and six year old white males."

~

"Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get well card."

"That's thoughtful of you."

"See, on the front it says, 'Get Well Soon' ... and on the inside it says,'Because me bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love Calvin.' Want to sign it?"

"Sure, I'm hungry too"

~

H : "What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame?"

C : "I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy fame and power. That way you'r have it all and be really happy. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess."

H : "I suppose thats *one* way to define it."

C : "The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."

~

Dear Santa. Why is your operation located at the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? ...My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been.

~

"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?"

"No, Calvin."

"CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?"

"No, Calvin."

"Then can I have a cookie?"

"No, Calvin."

"She's on to me."

~

"What state do you live in?"

"Denial."

- Miss Wormwood & Calvin

"Dad, I'd like to have a little talk."

"Um...ok."

"As the wage earner here, its your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of some big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country."

"I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around."

#

INNOCENCE

============

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Hobbes : "Do you think there's a God?

Calvin : "Well somebody's out to get me!"

Calvin : "Do you really think Bogeymen exist?"

Hobbes : "I'm not sure, but if they do, I think this is where they live "

"The world isn't fair, Calvin."

"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favour?"

"Too bad the world will be ending soon."

"Beg your pardon?"

"Halley's Comet. Comets are harbingers of doom."

"No they arent, thats just superstition."

"Really? Guess I'd better write that book report."

"Since September it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. This can only mean one thing - the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says winter will be here soon.

Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?"

- Calvin, about to become aware of the concept of winter...

"This article says that many people find christmas the most stressful time of year."

"I believe it. This season sure fills *me* with stress."

"Really? How come?"

" I *hate* being good..."

~

"Any monsters under my bed tonight?"

"Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."

"Well there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!"

"You have a flamethrower?"

"They lie. I lie."

- Calvin, The Monsters Under His Bed & Hobbes

"I wonder where we go when we die?"

"...Pittsburgh?"

"You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"

#

SOCIETY

========

I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?

So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection.

In my opinion, television validates existence.

~

"Here's a movie we should watch."

"Who's in it?"

"It says 'Japanese Cast'...two big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centres in a battle for world supremacy...doesn't that sound great?"

"And people say that foreign film is inaccessible."

~

Hobbes : "It says here that by the age of 6, most children have seen a million muders on television."

Calvin : "I find that very disturbing...it means I've been watching all the wrong channels."

~

H : "What are you doing?"

C : "Being cool."

H : "You look more like you're bored."

C : "The world bores you when you're cool."

~

"I just read this great science-fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves."

"So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea."

"I''ll say...*HEY* What time is it? My TV show is on."

#

DEEP

====

To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.

So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?

It's only work if somebody makes you do it

#

GURLS

=======

My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young

- Calvin prepares a water-balloon ambush for Susie

Calvin: Our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S.-- Get Rid Of Slimy girlS!

Susie: Slimy girls?!

Calvin: I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything.

I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?

Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

~

We are a fierce and dirty band of cut-throat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout matey, we dont want any sissy girls on our ship!"

"We *dont* like girls???"

"Of course not dummy, we're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?"

"Who do we smooch then?"

~

"There's a new girl in our class."

"Well, whats her name?"

"WHO KNOWS?"

"Is she nice?"

"WHO CARES? Not me!"

"Do you LIKE her?"

"NO!"

~

"Here comes that new girl. HEY SUSIE DERKINS, IS THAT YOUR FACE OR IS A POSSUM STUCK IN YOUR COLLAR? I HOPE YOU SUFFER A DEBILITATING BRAIN ANEURISM, YOU FREAK!"

"She *cute*, isnt she?"

"GO AWAY!"

~

"Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow?"

"Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason?"

"Why else would I call you?"

"Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice?"

"WHAT? Are you crazy? All I want is the STUPID assignment!"

"First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice."

"THIS IS BLACKMAIL!"

~

"This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting."

"Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting."

"Is this a great club or what?"

"(10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."

~

"I'm never gonna get married. Are you?"

"Hmm...I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'."

"POOTY PIE?"

"Or bitsy pookums."

"I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart."

"Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."

~

"Do you like being a girl?"

"Its gotta be better than the alternative."

"Whats it like? Is it like being a bug?"

"Like a WHAT?"

"I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a crual trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."

#

Calvin & Hobbes Sites:

The Official Calvin & Hobbes site

The Cool Calvin & Hobbes Collection