Excerpts from

William Shakespeare’s

Battleship

SCENE I

A Battleship, sailing majestically. Enter a common SAILOR.

SAILOR

Ahoy ye sailors!—friends and noblemen—

Riding ‘twixt glist’ring waves so bright and blue

That one cannot help but stand and marvel

At the resplendence of Neptune’s kingdom

And the miracle of color correction!

A Band of Brothers we are not, but rather,

A jambalaya of studs and starlets,

Drawn from ev’ry creed and ev’ry hair-type,

Selected, as if by algorithm,

To inflame the hearts and body issues

Of the prize’d target demographic.

Anon, we join this ship—this Battleship!—

With spirits high and cheekbones higher still,

Our sextants fix’d upon the one truly

Bankable star aboard this o’erstuffed vessel.

He whose sapphire eyes and manly shoulders,

Doth evoke the simple ethos of the

Heartland; belied only slightly by the

Rich Irish brogue that doth cling to ev’ry

Consonant like so many barnacles.

Liam Neeson enters, dressed as a CAPTAIN.

SAILOR

Hark! He comes! Pray don’t mention what I said

About his accent.

The CAPTAIN addresses the CREW with a barely concealed Irish accent.

CAPTAIN

Friends! Gaffers! Hang’rs-on!

‘Tis I, thy totally American captain,

Proud son of one of those states in the middle

That definitely hath a name, although

I cannot recall it at the moment.

SAILOR

Forsooth Captain, canst thou at least name the

First letter o’ the state?

The CAPTAIN shakes his head.

CAPTAIN

Alas, I cannot.

The CREW grumbles in disappointment.

CAPTAIN

But stay, friends! I come bearing sweet tidings:

For my accountant hath called and confirmeth

Beyond all doubt that mine check hath clear’ed!

And so I am honor-bound to maintain

A straight face for the next ninety minutes,

Even whilst barking generic orders,

Like “Hard to Starboard!” and “Full speed ahead!”

All of which hath been trademarked by Hasbro.

‘Tis indeed an honor to serve amongst

Such distinguish’d mariners as the guy

From True Blood, Riggins from Friday Night Lights,

And th’ pop star Rihanna—all of whom

Seem to be coated in a thin layer

Of Neoprene.

SAILOR

Er, Captain, excuse the interruption,

But art thou going anywhere with this?

CAPTAIN

Nay, my good man, not really. Just riffing.

Enter RIHANNA, THE GUY FROM TRUE BLOOD, and RIGGINS, FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.

CAPTAIN

How now, Rihanna? What ho, guy from True Blood?

What news dost thou bring from the radar thingie?

RIHANNA

Ay me, dear captain! Most grievous fortune!

For we are invaded by space robots!

The CAPTAIN is confused.

CAPTAIN

Space robots? Art thou sure sweet Rihanna?

For yea, I cannot recall any such

Robots in the original board game.

Only a grid of numbers and letters,

And cheap plastic pegs with which for keeping score.

THE GUY FROM TRUE BLOOD

Thou rememberest correctly O Captain

But the gods at Hasbro hath recognized

Long ago that the Battleship brand

Couldst not survive on grids and pegs alone.

Hence the space robots.

CAPTAIN

I see thy logic.

What say’st thou Riggins from Friday Night Lights?

RIGGINS

Pray let me defer to the True Blood Guy,

For alas, I have forgotten my lines.

The CAPTAIN nods, resolved.

CAPTAIN

If Riggins concurs then it is settled!

We shall attack the space robots at once!

The CREW cheers.

CAPTAIN

Hard to starboard! Full speed ahead! Ready

The doubles! For if we are true of heart

And straight of face there is no way this thing

Cannot gross a bajillion dollars!

Exeunt. End of scene.