It is illegal to tattoo your child. That is a law I agree with. I mean, it makes sense. Kids shouldn’t be subjected to their parents making such a permanent decision for them. So then, why is it legal to indoctrinate your child with a religion? My parents gave me a tattoo when I was a kid; it was called Catholicism. And that shit can’t be laser-ed off either. That stays with you. I’d much rather have a Mike Tyson face tattoo than have to feel guilty every time I masturbate.

I am an atheist. I’m not “agnostic” or “spiritual” or any of that other crap people say so as to leave the door of possibility open. Agnostics are just atheists with a fear of commitment. I grew up Catholic. And whenever you hear anyone say, “I grew up Catholic,” what they’re really saying is, “I am not Catholic. Anymore.”

I’ve had some people ask me, “Why did you leave the church?” That’s a weird question, because I never really said, “That’s it! I’m outta here!” and left. I just grew up. I became a logical-thinking person. Just as I didn’t “leave the institution” of collecting baseball cards, I didn’t “leave the church.” I just stopped, because that was kids stuff. I’m an adult. I don’t believe in ghosts. But when I was a kid, I did. Every Christmas Eve, my mom would say, “Alright, you better let the Sandman sprinkle your eyes, or else Santa won’t bring you presents on Jesus’ birthday.” Obviously I don’t believe in the Sandman or Santa Claus anymore, because that’s ridiculous. If I did, I would have be thrown in the nuthouse. So then why would I still believe in that third made-up phantom?

And as I grew up, so many of the things that happened in church or were taught to me didn’t seem to make a-whole-lot of sense.

They’d say, “Jesus died for you.” I’d think, “OK, that seems a little extreme. Why didn’t he just email me some guidelines?” And why is that so noble? Who cares if Jesus died for me? So what? If some homeless guy walked up to me and said, “Hey, I’m gonna die for you because you banged that waitress,” I wouldn’t be deeply moved. 75% of people use some form of corrective lenses. Eyeglasses were first made in 1286. So, um, maybe Jesus didn’t really walk on water, eh? I remember getting kicked out of Sunday school class because after a kid asked the teacher if Jesus were a virgin or not, I spoke up and said, “I’m pretty sure he got nailed three times.” I was always dumbfounded by the rituals. I’d look around and see everyone wearing cross necklaces. Why do Christian people wear the cross around their necks? Why would you want to wear the thing your hero died on around your neck? That’d be like members of the Mama Cass Fan Club wearing ham sandwiches around their necks. And all the stories didn’t seem very profound to me. They’d tell me how Jesus turned water into wine. I’d think, “Why?” Jesus could have turned water into anything, why did he choose wine? I guess it made sense in the context of the time, because water was so unclean, so wine would be better for sick people. But why not turn water into medicine. Or, better yet, why not turn it into clean water? And of course, there was that pesky thing I couldn’t get behind: the belief that being gay was wrong. Now, I’m not gay, but thinking it’s wrong to be gay has always struck me as very illogical. People in the church would say that sex was for procreation, so if two people are having sex with each other not for procreation, then that is wrong. I’d think, “Well, what about two elderly people who fall in love and want to be together or get married? They can’t procreate. Should they also not be allowed to be together?”

And throughout this debate, there was always the Westboro Baptist Church rearing its ugly head. You know them, those people who picket the funerals of AIDS victims and fallen soldiers. And they do this all with the same slogan. It’s on their picket signs and it’s their website URL: “GOD HATES FAGS.”

Now, I found this particularly interesting: God hating “fags,” because, if you really think about it, God has all the telltale signs of being the biggest closeted homosexual in the universe. I can prove this to you: First of all, he’s unmarried, and he’s getting up there in years (I think we know what that means). Secondly, he has an adoptive son. Also, he’s an extremely talented designer. Another indicator: I’m pretty sure he and this Holy Spirit character are “roommates.” Here’s an obvious one: he wears silk robes everywhere. Oh, and if you ever want to talk to him, what do you have to do? That’s right: you have to get down on your knees. But the main reason that God is the biggest closeted homosexual in the entire world is: God hates fags.

And finally, the thing that seemed the most ridiculous to me about Christianity was the whole debate of evolution versus intelligent design. I had a priest who used to tell me that the easiest way to prove God’s existence is through looking at the Grand Canyon. He would say, “The fact that something that awesomely beautiful exists always reminds me that there is a higher power out there.” And I would think, “No, that proves the exact opposite.” Knowing how the Grand Canyon got its beauty is the best way to disprove the existence of intelligent design. The Grand Canyon was created over millions of years of erosion. Nobody pulled out a magic wand and just created it. It evolved slowly.

And when I would argue that evolution is the better intelligent choice for human existence, Christian believers would get really upset with me, saying things like, “We didn’t come from monkeys. That’s disgusting.” Logically, what makes more sense: that we evolved from monkeys slowly over 200,000 years (chimpanzees and humans share about 99% the same genetic makeup), or that we all came from Adam and Eve? Today there are more than seven billion people on Earth. How did we get them from Adam and Eve? Adam and Eve fucked, had some kids, then what? The only logical way is for those siblings to procreate with themselves, or if Adam or Eve (or both) had sex with their children. So what’s more disgusting: that we came from monkeys, or that we’re all the product of incest? Now, the incest route might explain why we only use about 10% of our brains, but the logical answer is: we evolved from monkeys. And if you don’t think we’re similar to monkeys, the next time you take a shit, put a mirror in front of you and watch yourself wipe your ass.

It all boils down to something simple.

The reason a belief in God exists is because our brains are not advanced enough to comprehend why one day our light bulbs go dim. Though, our brains are creative enough where we can invent fantastical would-be answers to our unknown questions where sorcerers are watching us from the sky. This way of thinking is seen with every culture who cannot understand the bigger picture.

Think of the early native peoples who lived in caves and believed in the Gods of Thunder and Rain. We laugh when we think about them now, because we know why thunder occurs and we know why it rains. Science has explained that. We’re intelligent enough to realize the bigger picture when it comes to dispelling those gods. If we saw someone on the street praying to the God of Thunder, we’d think they were crazy.

But Christians today pray to the God of Death because they cannot explain death. They might as well not understand why the sky flashes and why the clouds are angry. In the future, everyone will look back at us for those superstitious ways and laugh.

So just like how the Grand Canyon was created, so too will our advancing intelligence shape the deep caverns of our brains. Eventually, the desperate need for an answer to our own mortality will vanish and turn into us accepting it for the beautiful unanswered question that it is. Logic will prevail, because the world was not created in six days. It is created every day.