CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any defiled woman feel like the harlot she is on her big day,” said CEO Phil Sadler, adding that the dresses will come in several distasteful low-cut and revealing styles that can be personalized with the words “hussy” or “trollop” embroidered on the train. “We know that making the ultimate commitment to burn in hell for all of eternity is one of the most important decisions a marked woman can make. That’s why we’ll also be offering a range of scarlet lace sacks to place over the bride’s head for that extra finishing touch.” Sadler added that all the disgraced tramps shopping for their doomed second marriages would find the new gowns located at the back of every David’s Bridal location, as far away as possible from the beautiful dresses reserved for the chaste and worthy virginal brides-to-be.

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