Trump: ‘I'll Build a Wall Around Banks to Keep Bitcoin Out'

Disclaimer: This article is satire. None of the quotes in this article are real and do not reflect the opinions or proposed policies of the people named in the article.

2016 presidential certainty Donald Trump has stated he will “build a firewall” around US financial institutions to “keep out Bitcoin and its heinous dogey brethren,” adding that he will make Bitcoin’s purported creator, Satoshi Nakamoto, “pay for it.”

Also read: The 2016 Bitcoin Voting Guide

Trump Touts ‘Great Non-Chinese Firewall’

Trump made the remarks at a recent rally in Arizona, the state whose first Bitcoin ATM was infamously struck by lightning in 2014.

Speaking about the impact of virtual currencies on the economy, Trump was particularly vocal about the dangers posed to institutions essential to “make America great again”.

Trump touted:

I will build a great firewall – and nobody builds firewalls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great non-Chinese firewall on our banks’ borders, and I will make Satoshi pay for that firewall. Mark my words.

Trump went on to state that Bitcoin was an inherently top-down, centralized pyramid “reminiscent of the worst regimes of the twentieth century.”

“That Satoshi even named part of his ugly visa-free currency after himself just says to everyone, ‘Hey, it’s a cult of personality that’s gonna enslave the world, rich or poor, white or ethnic, and at the bottom is funny money you can’t even hold in your hand’”, he continued.

It is rumored that Trump holds considerable personal reserves in Bitcoin, yet he has been careful to avoid discussing his relationship with the currency outright.

Asked by Fox News host Megyn Kelly about the paradoxical nature of his stance on Bitcoin and his alleged reserves, Trump infamously shifted attention towards Kelly herself.

“You could see there were bits coming out of her eyes, bits coming out of her wherever,” he subsequently told CNN’s Don Lemon last August.

Dimon vs. Trumpcoin?

Nonetheless, Trump has come out lambasting JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon, who has stated his opinion of Bitcoin as “a waste of time” and something “which is coming to eat our lunch”.

Commenting on the banking giant’s payment of over $28 million dollars in settlement of a litigation case in 2013, Trump called Dimon “the worst banker in the United States” and considered it “horrible” that Dimon had decided to settle instead of fight his corner.

Dimon’s Bitcoin outburst also led to retaliation from community players, with Genesis Mining CEO Marco Streng paying for a billboard campaign in Miami satirizing Dimon’s comments.

“Yes, Jamie, Bitcoin will eat your lunch,” the slogan reads.

Trump meanwhile is currently facing down rumors that he intends to create an altcoin in order to secure his financial assets and distribute wealth more easily and anonymously among his inner circle.



Dubbed ‘Trumpcoin’, speculators are already gearing up for “something grotesque – Trump’s toupee replacing the Shiba Inu in a crude Dogecoin ripoff”.

April Fools! We hope you got a laugh out of our article, none of it is real.

Images courtesy of trumpcoin.rocks