New research provides the first empirical evidence that repeated experiences of rejection over time decrease people’s ideal standards for their romantic partners. The study, published in Social Psychology, indicates that rejected advances can impact what people desire in a partner and also how they view their own value as a potential mate.

“I’ve always been interested in where people’s expectations and ideals for their relationships come from. Friends and family? Past relationships? The media?” explained study author Nicolyn Charlot, a PhD student at Western University.

“A lot of attention in this field is paid to people already in relationships (for example, people in relationships tend to shift their ideals to match their partner’s personality), but I wanted to learn how these changes could happen outside of relationships. I think understanding the expectations single people have for relationships is important, as they carry those beliefs with them into their eventual relationships, which can then influence both them and their partners.”

“Keeping this in mind, I knew romantic rejection could influence how people view themselves and their romantic relationships, so I figured it would be a good place to start to better understand what can influence ideal standards in singles.”

The researchers recruited 425 single individuals (aged from 16 to 73), who completed a baseline survey and then filled out monthly surveys over the course of the next six months. Those who remained single over the course of the study completed monthly surveys regarding their recent dating experiences, while those who found a partner were then given a different series of questionnaires related to the new relationship.

For their current study, the researchers focused on 208 participants who remained single throughout the entire study.

Unsurprisingly, participants who perceived themselves as having more positive traits reported that their ideal romantic partner had more positive traits as well, and were less willing to compromise on these standards.

But the researchers found that experiences of rejection over six months predicted decreases in self-perceived mate value and ideal partner standards, along with increases in the willingness to deviate from ideal standards.

“The ‘too long; didn’t read’ of my study is that single people who experience repeated romantic rejections over time are more likely to lower their standards for romantic relationships and feel less attractive as potential partners,” Charlot told PsyPost.

“Interestingly, rejected advances were associated with people’s ideals, how much they were willing to deviate from their ideals, and how they viewed themselves, but accepted advances were not influential. Basically, getting rejected will affect your standards and self-perceptions more than being accepted. Also, because other research has shown that ideal standards are predictive of who people form relationships with, our study suggests that individuals’ experiences with rejection may eventually influence who they wind up dating.”

The researchers also found that men reported higher numbers of accepted and rejected advances overall compared to women.

“While some of the findings of this study may feel like common sense, it is still important for such information to be documented, so future, less intuitive research doesn’t have to rely on untested assumptions,” Charlot added.

But all research has limitations, and the current study is no exception.

“The main issue with this study is we only asked participants whether they were rejected or accepted by the people they approached; we did not ask about people who approached them. Thus, our participants may have accepted or rejected a lot of potential partners themselves, but we don’t know if that is the case, or how those possible interactions could be factored into our findings,” Charlot explained.

“Additionally, we kept our definitions of ‘acceptance’ and ‘rejection’ fairly broad, so I would like to know more about what people consider to be an acceptance or a rejection.”

“Finally, we still need to understand the extent to which the standards people have when single predict the personalities of people with whom they enter relationships. Do people who experience a lot of rejection when single ‘settle’? Or do they wind up in relationships with partners well-suited for them because previous rejections helped them better understand what they were looking for?” Charlot said.

The study, “The Influence of Romantic Rejection on Change in Ideal Standards, Ideal Flexibility, and Self-Perceived Mate Value“, was authored by Nicolyn H. Charlot, Rhonda N. Balzarini, and Lorne J. Campbell.