Progressive Church Bans 'Jesus Loves The Little Children' For Suggesting Jesus Loves White Kids

PORTLAND, OR—Freelove Community Church has announced its children's ministry will no longer be singing the classic song "Jesus Loves The Little Children" for its "problematic implication" that Jesus also loves white kids.

"Red, yellow, brown, black, and WHITE!?! Excuse me!?!" said children's minister Taser Von Queesha as she looked over Sunday's agenda. "Nuh-uh, not on my watch. We are dismantling the white supremacist patriarchy one kids' Bible song at a time."

Some church members just wanted to change the lyrics to "Red, yellow, brown, black, NOT white," but decided even mentioning white people in a kids' worship song might be triggering for some racially traumatized youngsters. Others suggested having a white kid go up to the front of the Sunday school class and have the other kids beat him with a pool noodle. But again, then the rest of the class would have to see a white kid.

The song "B-I-B-L-E" has also been banned for suggesting the Bible is the Word of God, sources confirmed at publishing time.

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