About a month ago, kindly Satanists in Minneapolis realized that hate crimes against Muslims might be on the upswing again following the terror attacks in Paris.

The local chapter made an emotional offer on Facebook to protect Muslims fearing backlash. “We would be glad to escort you where you need to go without advertising our presence — just big dudes walking you where you need to be,” the message read.

The San Jose chapter quickly followed suit. Although no Muslims actually took the Satanists up on it, many thanked them for the vote of acceptance. Christians, too, commended the thought as a rather Christian-like gesture.

It was then, while Minneapolis and San Jose Satanists were still reeling on warm fuzzies and karmic credit, that Doug Mesner in the executive ministry stepped in and ordered everyone to quit promising escort services because “The Satanic Temple is not in the personal security business.”

“Clearly, if anybody has received a credible threat of violence, they should contact Law Enforcement, not The Satanic Temple,” Mesner said in a statement. “In the absence of any credible, active calls to violence against American Muslims, we must also consider that the act of flanking American Muslim citizens on their way to carry out daily errands may, in itself, be unnecessarily provocative and threatening.”

Mesner feared that The Satanic Temple could be seen as "paternalistic and absurd" to think that members could be bodyguards for helpless Muslims.

He then ordered the local chapters to take down their original posts and replace it with a considerably more corporate public relations message:

Since Paris, there have been 38 attacks on American Muslims, including 18 after the San Bernardino shootings. Minnesota Muslims say they're hearing more slurs on the street and experiencing more bullying in school.