ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic keys. “Oh, no—you have got to be kidding me,” McManus reportedly thought to himself, his stomach dropping as he wondered how he could possibly make it through the day without his large ring of blue, pink, yellow, and green keys. “Ah, for crying out loud. I got so wrapped up in that game of peekaboo with Dada before I headed out that I must have totally spaced on grabbing them. I bet they’re still sitting there on the activity table right next to my phone-on-wheels. I’m such an idiot.” At press time, a visibly frustrated McManus had vowed to himself that he would never leave the house again without making sure he had picked up his colorful set of keys and explicitly placed them in his mouth.

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