Last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne ended on a sour note, with Pettifleur stuffing Gamble’s wedding invitation back into her rival’s hands and insisting she couldn’t accept it.

As episode four opens, we see the immediate aftermath — and Gamble’s gutted.

“I’m inviting her to extend an olive branch. I don’t even want her there, really, but I’m just trying to do the right thing by this LUNATIC of a woman,” she says.

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“[Pettifleur] wanted the olive branch to become a tree,” Gina notes. “She wanted a whole friggin’ tree.”

As Gamble flees to the kitchen, the others stay on the balcony and try to talk some sense into Pettifleur, who is perhaps starting to realise that throwing a wedding invite back in your host’s face isn’t the classiest move:

“She could’ve chosen the right moment. My god Pettifleur knows how to … crack a … bottle … in half,” Lydia says, once more displaying her inventive — nay, incomprehensible — grasp of the English language.

Back in the kitchen, Gamble’s broken down in tears. She’s properly, visibly upset, and it is breaking our cold, cold heart. Frankly, the only time we’re comfortable seeing Gamble cry is following one of her hilarious hoverboard mishaps.

Out on the balcony, Pettifleur accuses the others of ganging up on her (which makes our eyes roll so hard we may have just detached our retinas) and threatens to leave in a huff.

Extending yet another olive branch, Gamble then apologises for flying off the handle and gives Pettifleur a big hug. Just like that, it all seems to be patched up.

Jackie sums up our feelings about this strange and sudden turn of events:

For some reason, Lydia now starts crying. What is going on here? Were the hors d’oeuvres stuffed with tear gas?

When the dust settles post-party, Gina accompanies Gamble to go shopping for some saucy wedding night lingerie. Nothing much happens in this scene, but Gamble does serve up some classic X-rated playing card realness, so it’s still worth a mention:

Down at Janet’s country manor (which we’ve always found an odd fit for her, housing-wise — we prefer to imagine she lives above a bottle-o like Patsy Stone), she’s settled into an odd kind of domesticity with her ex-husband Brian. They’re preparing a meal for all their respective children — the first time they’ve all caught up in years.

Brian’s taken charge of the cooking, and Janet’s not too convinced of his abilities — either that or she’s mimicking that scene in Total Recall where Arnie’s exposed to the high-pressure atmosphere on Mars:

Janet reveals to Brian that she’s been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. No, not from his infamous ‘happy ending’ massages during their Asian holidays, but from the heartache and trauma of nursing her son Jake after his life-threatening burns accident a few years back.

The pair have a heartfelt chat about how the condition — undiagnosed for four years — had quietly wreaked havoc on Janet’s life. The emotional gravitas of the scene is perhaps slightly dulled by the fact Brian is wearing a HILARIOUS COMEDY TITS APRON:

Over to Susie’s next, where she’s enlisted her two teenage sons to take part in everyone’s favourite mother-son activity: setting up her online dating profile.

She and the boys scroll through a succession of eligible bachelors, pausing to heap scorn on one guy who’s committed the ultimate sin on his profile: admitting he’s a fan of Destiny’s Child.

No, No, No — what a Bug A Boo! The Writing’s On The Wall with that one! Susie, you’d be better off staying an Independent Woman Part 1 than dating HIM! *Quietly yet firmly shuts wardrobe filled with luxury pieces from the House of Deréon*

Next up, Janet’s off on a date. Even discounting her happy-ending-loving ex-husband and his beloved tits apron, she’s never had the greatest luck with men — remember leather necklace dude from season one? Or the guy who brought his giant pet pig everywhere last year?

“I’m not just going to settle down. I’m going to try a rugged one, a little one, a big one, a black one, a yellow one,” she says of her dating plans. Inspiring words. Makes us want to slut-drop to We Are The World.

Her date Christopher’s got a bit of a creepy Michael Douglas vibe going on, but luckily Janet’s drinking house white out of a fishbowl so she’s in a really great place:

Conversation between the pair is stilted to say the least, so Janet tries to get Christopher to open up a little.

“If I was to try and say to a friend of mine ‘Who is Christopher?”… she asks him.

“Umm ... ‘I’ve been seeing a guy named Christopher, do you know much about him?’” comes the response.

No … no, Christopher, pet, she wasn’t asking you how she should phrase asking her friend this question. This isn’t an ESL class.

By date’s end, Janet’s staring off into space, as if to preserve her battery life:

Still, she says yes to a second date anyway, presumably because he seemed clean enough, didn’t have any visible prison tatts and girl is THIRSTY.

Finally this ep, Chyka hosts a bridal shower for Gamble, and she “thought it would be really fun for each of the girls to come wearing one of their wedding dresses.” Note the stipulation ‘one of’. Chyka’s own frock from her 1993 wedding to Bruce is some hardcore Princess Di s**t:

As the ladies arrive, we’re shown a few vintage pics from their respective wedding days. Our favourite? This adorable snap of Gamble with sister Tempest:

It wouldn’t be a party scene in an episode of Real Housewives without a fight, and this week Lydia’s bringing it, cornering Susie to probe her about the simmering tension between them.

“I don’t understand what I’ve done?” she asks.

Susie explains that she’s been giving Lydia evils all season because many years ago, when she split with her first husband, she heard that Lydia was spreading rumours that she got over the breakup by offering herself up to the men of Melbourne like some sort of festive sex piñata.

Seems the sort of thing you might have wanted to clear up at the time but hey, why NOT let it fester for a decade or two so you can address it all on camera for the benefit of a home audience?

Lydia, of course, denies all charges — and accuses Susie of making the whole thing up just so she’d arrive on the show with some pre-packaged drama ready to go.

Then, the ultimate shutdown from Lydia:

“I actually don’t know you. I really don’t know you,” she insists. Lydia, her name’s Susie. SUSIE. You’ve been friends for 30 years. S.U.S.I.E.

They agree to “draw a line in the sand” and start afresh, but Lydia can’t help offering one parting shot.

“She likes pushing s**t uphill. I mean really Susie, aren’t you bored? If you’re bored, go and bake another cake.” BURN.

Next week: It’s Gamble’s Dream Beach Wedding in Byron Bay, and EVERYTHING — from natural disasters to Gina bailing at the last minute — goes wrong.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne continues next Sunday 8:30pm on Foxtel’s Arena Channel, and you can come back for our recap the second it finishes. In the meantime, join recapper Nick Bond — who, like Janet, is keen to try a little one, a big one, a black one and a yellow one — on Twitter at @bondnickbond.