The dilemma I am the godmother of twins born through artificial insemination with their father’s sperm and a US donor egg. The parents hid this from me, other friends and family. Being close to the mother while she was pregnant I felt sort of betrayed when I found out (by accident). The children, nearly 10, do not look like their mother and sense that something does not add up on a deeper level, too. Both parents and children have behavioural difficulties that I think might be partially resolved by coming out with the truth. By that I do not necessarily mean telling the children about how they were conceived, but if they stopped living that lie it might benefit the kids as well. Should I tell the parents what I think?

Mariella replies What do you actually think? It’s not particularly clear from your letter. I know a bit about what you feel, but it’s hard to see how expressing that will benefit your godchildren or their parents. Let’s backtrack a bit to that sense of betrayal you experienced when you discovered the truth of your godchildren’s biological beginnings.

What strange proprietary feelings you display over your friend’s body. The presence of babies growing in her womb without you being given full disclosure on how they got there seems to have rattled you at a deep level. Yet your presumption that this should have been shared is beyond the boundaries of normal friendship. It’s certainly nice to feel included rather than excluded from a friend’s secrets, but it’s by no means compulsory. The fact that they choose to keep what was no doubt a difficult and emotionally wearing struggle to conceive private makes them part of a large minority, I imagine. When there are children involved, the fewer people who know sensitive details the easier it is to control the flow of information through childhood.

I know the onus is on everyone to Facebook their lives nowadays, but there are still aspects of our existence that merit and warrant a degree of discretion. How children are conceived is sensitive information that would fit firmly into that category, in my book. How is it any of your business? Should they also have given you a blow-by-blow account of their procreative history leading up to the choice to look elsewhere for an egg? And why the US – surely there were perfectly good eggs available closer to home? Just think of all the details you could have chewed over had they only kept you informed.

Seriously, I’m not sure how relevant it is to anybody outside the family, and I certainly don’t think they should be under any pressure to come clean. Neither do you make clear why you think interfamilial behavioural problems must stem from that choice. It sounds like a presumption rather than a clear-cut case of join the dots, and much of the frustration seems to hark back to your sense of betrayal at being kept out of their loop.

It’s your position I’m finding the toughest to empathise with. If this couple really are close friends of yours and they are having problems with their children, then stepping in with some positive advice could well be welcome. But is that what you are suggesting? Taking it upon yourself to “out” their fertility solution, on the other hand, seems an unnecessary and aggressive complication. I’m wondering about your relationship with their mother and why you feel so sure that undermining her role in their creation will create blissful harmony where currently problems reign.

The benefits of constructive advice from well-meaning friends can’t be underestimated. On the other hand, deeply nursed grievances and complex, often irrational emotions form part of our emotional make-up. It’s up to each of us to distinguish which of those triggers, positive or negative, we are responding to before we spring into action. Certainly it’s hard to get the measure of a complicated situation in a few short lines and there may be much more to support your dilemma in the detail. On the basis of what you’ve outlined, however, I think you need to look to your own motivations before you start unpicking this family’s dynamic. Long-buried secrets are often the cause of angst, but we’re all entitled to have them. The only crime your friends seem to have committed was keeping you in the dark, and your complicated response provides some justification for their choice.

Good friendships aren’t quantified on the sole basis of intimate revelations, but on mutual empathy, support and pleasure in each other’s company. Can you tick all three of those boxes in all honesty when you cast your mind to your feelings for your friend? Think hard about the real factors leading to your long-running state of discord and unpick the muddle of feelings at the core. If you feel I’ve misjudged you, come up with some less emotionally myopic reasons for getting involved and then write to me again.



If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

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