Opinion: It’s Hugely Disrespectful to Call Them “the Elephant Man’s Bones.” I Bought Them, They’re My Bones

I for one am FED UP with fake SJW hypocrites who CLAIM to speak up for the little guy and still use borderline HATE SPEECH. There’s a phrase that you probably already said today without even thinking about how HATEFUL you sound. I’m talking about “The Elephant Man’s bones”. I bought them, they’re MY bones.

Joseph Merrick was born with a terrible condition affecting his appearance and mobility, causing him a lifetime of pain. From sweatshop to freak show to an early death, he was treated as less than human, and was only remembered for his disability. Even in the 21st century you can’t walk down the street without hearing some JACKASS say “oh, that tree looks like The Elephant Man’s bones”, this, or “let’s address The Elephant Man’s bones in the room” that. I for one, won’t stand this constant, and disrespectful belittling of the remains of a HUMAN BEING. It’s time for us to stand up and say NO. Those aren’t “the Elephant Man’s bones”. Those are the bones of a REAL PERSON, and that person is ME. They are Gerry’s bones now.

Would you call the bones of Fatty Arbuckle “some lardo’s bones”? Would you call the bones of Verne Troyer “some midget’s bones”? Would you call the bones of WAR HERO and SENATOR John McCain “some geezer’s bones?” No! You’d call them “Gerry’s big bones”, “Gerry’s little bones”, and “Gerry’s topical Halloween decorations”, because I bought all of their bones too. Why, if the bones of John McCain could talk, they’d say that property rights are the foundation of a healthy democracy, and they will say that, as soon as I figure out how to hot glue gun that speaker into his skull (MY skull).

Seriously, do you know how hard it was to outbid Michael Jackson and Vincent Price on a freelance writers salary? I pulled a lot of strings, least you can do is show a little respect.

I don’t often speak publicly about my faith, but I believe in my heart of hearts that our bodies are not truly ourselves, but merely vessels on a journey of the soul. And when we shrug off that great mortal coil and leave those vessels behind, that they are 100% up for grabs baby. Were they the Elephant Man’s bones? Absolutely. But that was before money changed hands.

Now, that being said, they could be yours if you move fast. I’ll be honest I’m not very liquid right now and could use some cold hard cash in a hurry. I’ve got a solid lead on former president George H W Bush’s former remains and I need to act fast.