Carlos Monarrez

Detroit Free Press

Free Press sports writer Carlos Monarrez argues for and against the Detroit Lions this season.

Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. Really? The Lions are going to the playoffs this year? Should I throw you a life preserver to keep you from drowning in that pool you filled with Honolulu Blue Kool-Aid?

C’mon, man. It has gotten so bad for this desperate team that it’s adding cheerleaders. Cheerleaders. That’s what this “franchise” has come to. Maybe one can protect Matthew Stafford’s blind side.

Let’s start by talking about the elephant in the room. And by that I mean the Megatron who’s not in the receivers’ room.

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I’ll concede that Calvin Johnson’s production was declining. But he was still a 1,000-yard receiver. That’s a lot of production you have to replace, and you don’t just lose a Hall of Fame player and move on seamlessly.

OK, so the Lions signed Marvin Jones to replace Calvin? Hey, Jones is a nice guy — even if he sounds too much like Jay-Z for my liking. And despite adding Jones, they’re still going to have 99 problems. For one, Jones hasn’t been that productive. The closest he has come to 1,000 yards was 816 last year.

Yep. No doubt he’s the next Megatron.

C-Los — or is it C-Lost? — you say the Lions made the playoffs in 1999 without Barry Sanders? Hey, Barry, Shmarry! It was a garbage year for the NFC. The Lions backed into the playoffs by losing their last four games and qualified with an 8-8 record. Then they got pummeled in the wild-card game in Washington, 27-13.

Let’s talk about Matthew Stafford. This guy is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. He’s the most frustrating talent in franchise history. Good one season, terrible the next. Yeah, he had a great second half of last season. But after his benching we didn’t even know if he’d be the starter. This is your savior?

Speaking of which, the current great hope is rookie left tackle Taylor Decker, whose arrival demoted dependable veteran Riley Reiff. The move caused so much drama that the offensive line briefly boycotted reporters because we were, you know, doing our jobs by asking about it.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, picking a fight with myself. I sense I’m winning.

What about Jim Bob Cooter? Still can’t say the guy’s full name with a straight face. But the funniest part of Cooter is that you, ’Los Man, think he’s going to replicate his second-half success. Sure, the offense was better, but the schedule was much easier. In the second half, only one of the Lions’ seven opponents finished with more than seven wins.

Cooter got the benefit of great timing, which he won’t this year. The Lions start with three of four games on the road and the NFL — a league of adjustments — will be more than ready for him.

Don’t worry, C-Mon, I’m not forgetting about that vaunted defense. Yeah, it’s got Ziggy Ansah and Devin Taylor. Otherwise, they’re seriously lacking depth at defensive end. They hope someone else steps up.

How about defensive tackle? Haloti Ngata is 32. How much is left in that tank? They drafted A’Shawn Robinson in the second round, but he’s a rookie learning a new scheme. This is not the Fearsome Foursome or the Silver Rush. This group won’t be dominating many offensive lines, and NFL games are decided in the trenches.

Yeah, Darius Slay played great last year — if you forget about Peyton Manning burning him twice on deep balls. But can he get out of his own way and not put too much pressure on himself? Glover Quin will be dependable, but the strong safety job is still up for grabs, and Nevin Lawson has to prove he can be durable and play well for 16 games.

This team will be lucky to finish 8-8 and third in the NFC North. Sorry, Carlos, but this isn’t 1999. Barry, Calvin and fears of Y2K are long gone. And soon Jim Caldwell will be, too.

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Contact Carlos Monarrez: cmonarrez@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @cmonarrez.

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