YUMA, AZ—Saying that it would be a nice break from the health-conscious diet, a local E. coli bacterium announced Tuesday plans to treat itself to a little beef after weeks of eating nothing but salad. “Lately, I’ve been on this kick of just having romaine lettuce for every single meal, but it can’t hurt to cut myself some slack once in a while with a raw steak or a little ground chuck, right?” said the Escherichia coli strain, noting that while its regimen of salad mixes and hearts of romaine had made it feel much healthier and stronger, it was about time to reintroduce some protein into its diet. “I can’t wait to bite into a nice room-temperature hamburger, or maybe some uncooked beef sausages. Man, I’ve been craving beef for so long now that I’ll basically take whatever I find lying around.” The bacterium went on to justify the indulgence by saying that the added energy would come in handy during its upcoming trips to Iowa and Nebraska.

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