Andrea’s story begins when she was in her early 20s. Not at all attractive (an understatement) but with a perfect figure, she had very little romantic/sexual contact with the opposite sex until she discovered live-streaming and webcam sex. This is her story.

KATHEY KEY: If I understand you correctly, your dating life was not at all satisfying, and then you discovered adult webcam sites.

ANDREA: That’s more or less correct. As you can see, I’m plain ugly, it’s as simple as that and something I’ve had to live with all my life. Boys, men have never been interested in me despite my figure and beginning in my early teens I was more or less resigned to living out my life single and alone. A few years ago I tried legitimate on-line dating sites, but you have to include photos, so my situation did not change: there were no takers. But I met a few interesting women on those sites, some of whom were in a similar bind, and one of them told me about adult webcam sites. I pretended that I would never stoop to that kind of thing, but my curiosity was already piqued so I decided to look into it more without signing up or anything — you’re allowed to visit these sites as guests. So I saw what was going on, the explicit sex, and became intrigued because a lot of the women, for whatever reasons, never showed their faces, and that was what really piqued my curiosity and convinced me to try it out. Also, these girls were making money through points. So to make a long story short, I signed up, and immediately began to attract a huge number of viewers.

KATHEY KEY: That sounds very affirming for someone in your situation. So what happened that caused you to consult a sexologist?

ANDREA: Nothing much happened at first. I of course never showed my face, but over a period of six months, I began to make so much money I was able to quit my job. But the truth of the matter is that I really loved what I was doing. I developed a routine, like a show, that was — and I don’t mean to boast — very unique; it was both sensuous and very sexual with perfect timing in respect to arousal. I’m also lucky in that I am very orgasmic and my contractions are very visible and that really turns men on. And I quickly became fascinated watching not one but sometimes 10 men ejaculate in a matter of a minute watching me. And this is where problems began to set in. At the beginning, I would perform maybe 5 hours a day, but then it went to 8 hours and sometimes up to maybe 14 hours.

KATHEY KEY: That must have been physically demanding.

ANDREA: It can be if you don’t know what your are doing, if you rub your clit all day long for sure it’s going to become sore and you’ll become desensitized, but that never happened to me even though I would have on average between 5 and 10 orgasms a day.

KATHEY KEY: Did you use external devices?

ANDREA: Never, I was advised against it, and I also discovered most men prefer the hand or fingers working the clitoris or vagina.

KATHEY KEY: The experience strikes me as very empowering.

ANDREA: Exactly, and I think that’s why it’s not healthy for me to continue doing this. At some point not only was I enjoying pleasuring myself all day long and watching men ejaculate, but I realized that was also addicted to the empowerment. I used to muse to myself that if these men could see my face they would go into shock and immediately leave. So I was experiencing a kind of revenge against the entire male race for having rejected me; men who judged me without even properly knowing me. So I’m not sure if it’s the sex I’m addicted to or the revenge or a bit of both, but I feel like I’m in a deep hole and I’m not able to get out of it. And this is why I’m here.

KATHY KEY: Are you still performing?

ANDREA: Yes I am. When I get home, I’m going to turn on my cam and go to work and I can’t wait to do it.

KATHEY KEY: Let’s go back in time. When did you first realize you were not attractive?

ANDREA: When I was about five or six. My older brothers used to tease me about and my parents would really punish them, but of course it made no difference. I understood at a very early age that I was ugly, and because of that I was never popular at school, I used to hang out with girls like myself, and that’s how it’s been all of my life.

KATHY KEY: You have a spectacular figure. I’m surprised boys and men haven’t approached you for sex.

ANDREA: Well they have. I lost my virginity when I was 17. Some drunk guy I knew wanted sex, I was around, made myself available, we had sex, and then he had nothing to do with me. This has happened on several occasions actually, guys willing to overlook my face to get into me, but I hated them for it and by the time I turned 20 I decided that unless the guy was interested in me as a person, I would never again be someone else’s one night stand.

KATHY KEY: Do you have girl-friends, do you have a social life?

ANDREA: I have a couple of very good friends from school, and, we still get together quite often, so yes, I’m not isolated if that’s what you’re getting at.

KATHY KEY: And how his your relationship with your parents and brothers?

ANDREA: Much much better with my brothers. They are older and more mature and they are now really supportive, as are my parents, but of course they have no idea of what I’m doing or how I’m earning money. But I know that their support stems from feeling sorry for me. They pity me, which is OK, I’m OK with that.

KATHY KEY: It seems to me that your addiction to webcam sex is twofold, and you have already acknowledged that. You enjoy the sex, the self-pleasuring, and you enjoy taking secret revenge against men. But what you really want in life is to have a meaningful relationship with a man, and fear that in the absence of that kind of relationship you won’t be able to stop performing on adult websites.

ANDREA? I haven’t quite thought of it like but it could very well be true.

KATHY KEY: So that challenge is to put yourself in a situation where men will have an opportunity to get to know you, to discover who you really are. You aren’t the only unattractive person in the world, just as an obese woman isn’t the only one, and many of them manage to find partners, boyfriends, husband and many of them have families. So let me ask what are you presently doing in your daily life that allows you to have meaningful contact with men? For example, what kind of work were you doing before you quit your job?

ANDREA: I was working in a lawyer’s office, boring work actually and there were five other girls in the office, so there was hardly any contact with any men.

KATHY KEY: Do you have interests, hobbies, do you do sports? Looking at your figure I would guess that you know how to look after yourself.

ANDREA: I’m sort of interested in photography, and I go jogging on occasion and like taking long walks but that’s about it.

KATHY KEY: So why don’t you join a photography club, or take up a group sport like mixed volleyball, or team bowling and or anything. The advantage of sports if that not only will the guys get to know you but they will immediately take notice of your figure. Chances are that there will be others like yourself for whom the activity or sports is just a pretext for meeting other people. That’s why after the game or the activity is over, there’s always someone who will suggest getting together over drinks or dinner.

ANDREA: What you say makes very sense. It sounds so easy I’m surprised I haven’t really thought.

KATHY KEY: When you are depressed, and I believe you are indeed depressed, you get caught up in negative thinking and you don’t see a way out — in part, that’s why you are here. I think it’s critical that you begin to develop your social life. If you’re part of a group activity, it will take you away from your on-line life, and it will relieve you of the isolation that goes along with it. Just imagine if after our session concludes you had to play volleyball. You wouldn’t even be thinking of opening your computer, especially if among the players you had a few friends, or were interested in one of the guys on the team. I think this is something that you should seriously think about before we see each other again. What do you think?

ANDREA: I really like what I’m hearing. In fact I wish I wouldn’t have to go home now because I know I’m going to open up my computer.

KATHY KEY: There’s nothing stopping you from opening up your computer and searching out group activities, sports activities in your area. Just do it.

ANDREA: You know what, I am going to do that.

POSTSCRIPT

A year later, Andrea’s return to normal life is a work in progress. The very next day, she signed up for yoga classes, and the following week she enrolled in fitness classes and signed up for indoor volleyball. From one of her classes, a young man began to take an interest in her, and after two months of dating and falling in love, they consummated their relationship. But shortly thereafter, Andrea began to notice that her first real boyfriend was embarrassed to be seen with her in public and began to insist they she dress in a sexually provocative manner when in public, presumably to draw attention away from her looks to her figure. Her heart broken, Andrea eventually terminated the relationship and went into a depression, dropped all her activities and resumed her adult streaming life. Three months later, she came to see me and I convinced her to resume her classes and sports, which did. Over time, she became involved with a man in his 50s, and she eventually moved in with him, and reports that they are very happy together and that they have a very satisfying sex life. However, she still works on-line in the sex industry 20 hours a week because, in her words, “I enjoy pleasuring myself and exercising my seductive powers over men.” She very recently posed the following question: since her real life sex life is satisfying and is completely separate from her on-line sex life, why should she stop since there are no apparent negative consequences? I suggested that if her partner found out he would probably not approve, but aside from that technical point, I told her that I would have to think about it more. We all have fantasy lives, we all have sexual daydreams, and perhaps the Internet is simply an extension of that fantasy life, and if it doesn’t interfere or degrade one’s very real inter-personal sex life, perhaps there is no good reason to condemn Andrea’s on-line adult activities. So from a professional point of view, my response to her question remains a work in progress. To be considered is to what degree Andrea is addicted, if she still is addicted, to on-line sex. It could very well be that even if she is addicted to on-line sex, since it doesn’t affect her real life sex, there’s no reason for her not to indulge?