United States adds Algebra to list of terror organisations

The United States has added followers of Islamic system Al-Gebra to its list of terror organisations today.

The move follows a narrow escape after a follower of Algebra was found practising his beliefs on an internal flight, leading to a security alert.

Founded by Mohammed al-Khwarizmi in Central Asia in the 9th century, Algebra has brought nothing but despair and misery ever since, especially during year 6 maths lessons.

Al-Gebra is described as an ‘inhuman system’ which teaches that everything can be replaced with a number.

Followers are expected to devote their lives to finding a mysterious and eternally unknowable entity known as ‘X’, a process which involves complex rituals and often a great deal of prayer.

A common Al-Gebra prayer is said to go “Oh, Jesus, this is impossible. Just please tell me what the hell X is.”

Many children exposed to Al-Gebra report feelings of horror and anger, especially if it’s just before P.E. Class.

“It’s often quite easy to spot an Al-Gebra follower, as they tend to have a beard, leather patches on the elbows of their tweed jacket and smoke a pipe,” we were told.

“Many play Dungeons and Dragons as well, and that’s always a cause for concern.

“The public can be reassured that we have well-developed and robust algorithms to help us-

“Hang on. Algorithm? Al-Gorithm? Guy! Guys! I’ve found another one!”