WHEN I was growing up, I was dimly aware that drugs existed but only in California, in the films.

Not in actual real life.

At school, there were rumours that one of the sixth-formers had once had a puff on a joint at a party.

But they were only rumours.

13 Drugs barely existed to me during my schooldays - bar rumours of a few sixth-formers trying a puff of marijuana Credit: Getty Images

They couldn’t have been true because we were in Burton-on-Trent.

Not Los Angeles,

Oh, how different things are today.

I have a friend who now has to say on party invites “please leave your drugs at home” because if he didn’t most of the guests would spend most of the night in his lavatory.

13 Friends of mine now feel they have to insist upon no drugs at their party - as if they don't, their guests won't leave their bathrooms for snorting illicit substances Credit: Getty Images

I was at a restaurant in London the other night and every time I went for a pee I had to wait about half an hour for a bunch of kids to come out of the cubicle.

Drugs are everywhere.

I’m offered them on pretty much a daily basis as I walk down the street.

And you hear people talking about their dealer as though he’s their hairdresser.

“Oh,” they say to their friends, “you really should use my man.

He’s such a nice chap and so reliable.”

But the fact of the matter is that while he may indeed be a nice chap, he’s actually the front man for a whole industry that’s not very nice at all.

13 Middle-class users often recommend their 'nice' dealers who are always reliable for them - but they don't think about the world that lies behind that one pleasant dealer Credit: Getty Images

When you break out the charlie after an agreeable dinner party with friends, you may be dimly aware that the people who made it, in the woods of Colombia, have a pretty miserable life.

You’ve probably even watched Narcos and thought, “Ooh that looks horrid.”

But according to the National Crime Agency, the problems caused by drugs aren’t exclusively to be found on the other side of the world.

They say that here at home, drugs have caused a full-on gang war.

They say that traditional established dealers in various regions around the country are fighting for their turf with London-based Somalis who are seeking to take the whole country for themselves.

It seems that they are doing this by offering high quality drugs for less.

Which is page one, chapter one from the Book Of Business.

13 The drugs industry is cruel, full of vicious gang wars, murder, and even using children to deliver drugs Credit: Getty Images

But their method for dealing with those who moan or don’t pay isn’t from any book I’ve ever read.

Because when they want to punish someone, they either dissolve them in acid, or boil them alive.

And we are not talking here about burly men who learned their trade as pirates in the Indian Ocean or enforcers in Mogadishu.

Because a great many of the foot soldiers are children.

The police say they are thinking of charging the bosses under anti-slavery laws from now on.

But I don’t think they’ll care.

If they’re caught, they’re caught and it doesn’t really matter what charge is used to propel them into prison.

It’d be better to let people know that behind the middle-class acceptability of drugs, beats the heart of an extremely cruel and violent monster.

Life goes down the pan

13 Experts say we should be washing our hands for the same amount of time as it takes to sing the national anthem Credit: Getty Images

WE were told by health experts this week that after a trip to the lavatory, we should wash our hands for the same length of time it takes to sing the National Anthem.

That’s about a minute, if you include the rather jingoistic second verse.

Right. So if you pee five times a day, that’s five minutes washing your hands.

13 But we're asked to spend so long on basic daily tasks, such as brushing teeth, that there's no real time to work Credit: Getty Images

Then you have to brush your teeth, we’re told, for two minutes twice a day.

And then exercise for half an hour, moisturise for ten minutes, have sex for 20, and then sleep for eight hours.

Also, we are reminded very often that we should eat healthy foods which take half an hour to prepare, and that after we’ve spent another half an hour chewing the organic mushrooms 72 times, we must allow a further half an hour for the food to digest.

For extra long life, we are told we must not use our cars and cycle instead, which adds an extra hour a day to our journey times.

And so it goes on, right up to the point when someone says: “Er. When do we have time to do any work?”



I'll be a menace to Dennis

13 Ex-McLaren chief Ron Dennis is having a bad week - not least because I'll be knocking his house down after his P1 supercar failed me in a Grand Tour challenge Credit: PA:Press Association

RON DENNIS is having a terrible week.

He’s been ejected from his role at McLaren Cars, a company he built pretty much single-handedly.

And now I’m going to knock his house down.

I think that’s fair enough.

I was so confident that his amazing supercar, the P1, would be faster than the Porsche 918 and the Ferrari that I bet my colleagues on The Grand Tour that if it wasn’t, they could turn my house into rubble.

And if you’ve seen the show, you’ll know I lost the bet.

I hold Ron responsible for this.

And I shall be arriving at his gaff with a bulldozer very soon.

Airport outrage is no lie

13 A Guardian columnist has decided I made up my airport row to promote my show - but I was there when it happened, and she certainly wasn't Credit: Getty Images

ACCORDING to a columnist in The Guardian newspaper, whose name I’ve forgotten, I simply made up the whole story this week about being banned from a flight by a Stuttgart airport worker who said, “I’m from Argentina so f*** you.”

She has decided that I simply spent too long in the lounge, missed the flight and concocted a tale in a bid to promote The Grand Tour.

So, you’ve a choice of who to believe.

Those of us who were there. Or a girl from The Guardian, who wasn’t.

-- VERY many thanks to all the Sun readers who’ve already written to say how much they enjoyed the first episode of The Grand Tour, which aired on Thursday. And even bigger thanks to the crews and the team in Chiswick who made it such a smash.

Reigning in the jungle

13 I normally hate Celeb reality TV shows - but I'm a big fan of Danny Baker, who's currently on I'm A Celeb Credit: Rex Features

13 Carol Vorderman has also been out of the limelight just long enough that I'm curious about her - but definitely haven't forgotten who she is Credit: Rex Features

AS a general rule, I hate almost all of the world’s celebrity-based reality shows, mainly because I’ve never heard of any of the featured people.

But I’ve always enjoyed the Ant and Lard jungle thing because they manage to gather together people who we know well, but haven’t heard from in a while.

Normally, there’s a stand-out winner but this year, as I see it, there are two. Danny Baker and Carol Vorderman.

Both extremely good people.

C4 should ask the right questions

13 News broadcasters asking how Trump won the US election should really be asking how Hillary was selected as the best Democrat candidate Credit: Getty Images

A VERY long time ago, a man called Mr Trump became the president of America.

And still Channel 4 is wandering around the States, asking everyone it can find how this could possibly have happened.

Maybe it’s down to the fact he got more votes in the places where it mattered.

A far better question is: “What were the Democrats thinking of when they chose Hillary to be their candidate?”

Because that was the real problem.

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Let Roo have his fun

13 Why are we judging Wayne Rooney for post-match celebration? Having a drink is nothing to get angry about Credit: The Sun

WAIT. What’s this? An England footballer went to a bar after a match and had some drinks?

People are saying that Mr Rooney should now be relieved of his captaincy, other people say he should be stripped of his citizenship and made to live on an island by himself in the North Atlantic.

Well I’m sorry, but I don’t get it.

If it had happened before the match then maybe.

But it didn’t.

Tornado 'carnage' is nothing

13 Reports that a tornado in Wales caused 'carnage' are surely over-exaggerated - this scene from Aleppo is surely what carnage really looks like Credit: AP:Associated Press

THERE were reports this week of a small tornado erupting in a Welsh village.

Roof tiles were dislodged, a Nissan Micra was damaged and power lines came down.

“It was absolute carnage,” said one eyewitness.

OK boyo, let me ask you this.

If a broken roof and a wounded Datsun is “absolute carnage” what words would you use to describe the devastation in Aleppo or Mosul?