First, the facts. Here’s what we know:

1) Ted Cruz has a dad. Note the gender specificity. These fake culture wars are a distraction.

2) Ted Cruz’s gross “male” “dad” has been in photographs. They use light to record images. Images of people’s faces.

3) John F. Kennedy had a face. ON HIS HEAD. THE HEAD WHERE HE WAS SHOT.

These are not merely questions that need to be answered. You must understand that by raising these issues, we are necessarily implicating him in a conspiracy. We are tying him to it. We are saying “look, the face thing! And remember the part about gender??”

And that’s not even the worst. Think about THIS:

Ted Cruz turns 46 this year. JFK was 46 when he was shot. U.S. Route 46 ends at George Washington Bridge. TED CRUZ KILLED GEORGE WASHINGTON. — Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) May 3, 2016

I suggest that you get Reince Priebus to investigate these very serious allegations from Donald Trump, who is bound and determined to tie Ted Cruz’s family to the JFK assassination. And he is, after all the very real and actual GOP nominee for President. That’s your guy now, Republicans. Take him as he is and at his word.

Dear @Reince, I understand from your nominee that Ted Cruz's dad helped kill Kennedy. Will your party push for an investigation? — Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) July 22, 2016

So take his suggestion of conspiracy as seriously as you take the man himself, Reince. And while you’re at it …

Lovely friend @reince, do you, like your nominee, think former GOP President George W. Bush knew bout 9/11 in advance and did nothing? — Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) July 22, 2016

… get him to answer that one, too. It’s what his official and for real actual GOP nominee thinks. Take it as seriously as you expect us to take him as a candidate, Mr. Chairman.