The 8 Types of People You See When Watching a Horror Movie

While this list could possibly apply to other genre’s of movies such as the R-rated comedy or action flick I have chosen horror because a “scary” movie often times can bring out the true behavior in people. Also horror movie’s often contain comedic elements, action and a love story in some shape or form. So naturally it works as a perfect backdrop for my very deep and intriguing analysis of the types of people you will see the next time you go to the theater to watch a movie like Paranormal activity 7 or Saw 32. Okay so let’s begin…

1) Old married couple

What movie they go see: Newest exorcism movie

Why they are here: Ah yes, the cute innocent elderly couple who on the weekend had a nostalgic conversation about that time when they went to the drive-in movie to watch the Alfred Hitchcock classic “The Birds”. What a frightening yet thrilling picture that was. They are here in hopes of recapturing their youth, mostly unaware that horror movies these days are a lot more mediocre than those of yesteryear. They think that they will be getting a well made follow up to the original 1973 Exorcist, but in reality they will be getting the 7th or 8 remake, reboot, sequel, prequel or whatever the latest washed up horror director has in store this time.

How they react: Most likely scenario is that they walk-out at the 30 minute mark. If they don’t walk out it’s probably because they fell asleep at the 5 minute mark on each others shoulders only to wake up and agree that the movie was too loud and violent.

2) Established Young couple

What movie they go see: Critically acclaimed new horror series and or comedy/horror hybrid

Why they are here: This couple has been together 8 years plus, they are in their late 20’s and they now have very specific shared movie tastes. They both love horror movies but only the best of the best. Likely that they have always watched horror movies together and this night is just following some form of tradition and or routine.

How they react: The guy knows his girl very well so he knows the exact second his girl will scream and or lunge at him for fake protection from the images behind the screen that aren’t real. They stay pretty focused into the movie, don’t get too distracted or loud, likely share some inside jokes a couple of times throughout the middle of the movie.

3) New young couple:

What movie they go see: Thriller starring big name actors

Why they are here: The guy is unoriginal and decided to use the movie date cliche. Since this guy is very cliche he decides to pick the most obvious movie to see that will likely get him closer to his new girl (plans to take her to the Katherine Heigl/Channing Tatum chick flick the week after as a different approach but with the same goal)

How they react: This can go 2 ways. One possibility is they spend about 10 minutes watching the movie and the rest of the duration tongue wrestling. The other possibility is the girl has an epiphany and realizes that she doesn’t want any part of this and purposely spends the movie making as little eye contact as possible looking focused and into the movie but in reality is very bored.

4) Tween couple

What they watch: Paranormal Activity 18 and or Saw 57

Why they are here: Ah yes, this couple is quite easily the most annoying and generally hated couples of the theater. Either the rest of us are cringing at the awkwardness that is occurring in the row below us or retching at the gross tween touching. They are obviously at the movie theater because there is nothing else to do (especially in my town, the local movie theater was the spot in grade 8). They are here at this particular movie because the guy said Twilight was “lamesauce” and the girl said Transformers looked “stupidsauce” (Clearly how the kids talk these days).

How they react: Either awkwardly or grossly. The Tween boy has hopes of at least getting his arm around the tween girl and tries to look for signals the entire movie. The girl spends the movie fake screaming in hopes of sending signals that the tween boy will likely never receive.

5) Gang of Tweens (GoT’s)

What they watch: Reboot of classic horror movie series

Why they are: Oh dear, easily the worst and most annoying out of all the rest. They are here to ruin the movie for everyone else. Luckily they usually choose the worst and most obvious horror movies. Very often they are found sneaking in and entering the theater all stealth like (also known as running up the stairs giggling and shouting weird slang that kids use these days). They are here because once again they have nothing better to do.

How they react: They are going to be extremely loud and will be getting shhhsed at the entire movie. One person in the group will always provoke it. The group will be filled with one of those awkward couples (see number 4) and a kid who spends the whole movie being paranoid exclaiming things like “guyssss are we going to get caught this movie is rated 14A were only 13!”.

6) Parents Who Brought Their Much Too Young Kid

What they watch: Most gory inappropriate horror movie released in years

Why they are here: Forgot that kids much prefer watching movies like Madagascar 3. The parents love horror movies and they want to expose their young child to their interests. They clearly forget of something called night terrors.

How they react: The parents spend the entire movie quietly discussing whether they went too far and maybe should have started with a less scary movie and or gotten a babysitter. The kid is constantly reassured by the parents that everything is fake and that the terrifying ghost child covered in blood is just an actor and will not be under their bed tonight. The kid spends the movie covering their eyes crying anyways. These people likely leave at the 20 minute mark (That’s as far as I got into the sixth sense, watched that one on my own though. More on that to come later).

7) Horror geek duo/group

What they watch: Reboot of classic series and or a comedy/horror hybrid

Why they are here: These guys go to these movies for a laugh more than anything. They usually comprise of all guys sometimes with the token girl who is even geekier than the rest of them. They spend their down time before the movie discussing directors and horror festivals and what they hope to get out of the movie.

How they react: They will spend the duration of the movie either quietly or loudly shouting out “clever” one-liners and critique the film as they watch. They laugh way more than the rest of the theater

8) That Group of Intoxicated Uni Students

What they watch: “Lol were here to see the Avengers on opening night 10 minutes before it starts…oh its sold out? Okay then 5 tickets to paranormal activity 18″”

Why they are here: It’s Friday night, everyone isn’t meeting at the party until 11, hence there is time to “pre drank” and kill before then. What better way than to do it in a movie theater. Most of them don’t know what movie they are watching until it starts as the least drunk most responsible person of the group bought everyone elses tickets.

How they react: They will likely be the loudest people in the theater and even more obnoxious than the tween group. They can sometimes provide “clever” one liners that gets the entire theater laughing. They will be very likely to insult and pick on the tween group and spend the majority of the movie laughing.

Now what group do I fall under?…..I have been all of them. Yes, even the old married couple, well at least one day.