CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd. “I can’t wait for a chance to open fire on these idiots and mow them all down; I’ll just take ’em right out—bang, bang, bang!” bad guy Harold Kefner reportedly thought to himself, his hand poised near his gun as he grew more and more exhilarated at the idea of emptying his entire extended clip into the group of people amassed around him. According to sources, at the very same moment just several yards away, good guy Benjamin Townes was said to be resting his hand on the grip of the semiautomatic pistol he carried openly on his hip as he exuberantly envisioned himself pumping round after round into those nearby, while reportedly thinking to himself, “I can’t wait for a chance to open fire on any idiot who tries to mow us all down; I’ll just take him right out—pow, pow, pow!” At press time, both men were said to be passing quietly by each other and, unbeknownst to one another, giddily imagining the sound and recoil of their respective firearms as they watched the other’s bullet-riddled body slump to the ground.

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