Paul Daugherty

pdaugherty@enquirer.com

DEAR BOSS:

I need to go to Pensacola.

I need to drop everything I’m doing here, all of which is mundane and trivial, worthless and weak, and eat some chicken battered in Cracker Jacks at Pensacola Bayfront Stadium, home of the Reds Class AA team, the Pensacola Blue Wahoos.

I could hang out here and pass my time writing about how Bryan Price is ruining the world, or how FC Cincinnati thinks it should be in the European Premier League. Or I could head to the big leagues and work in a ballpark where every seat looks out on Pensacola Bay, and where the beers on Thursday nights are three bucks.

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The Cincinnati Reds are passe. Pass-ay is French for, “watching them play is like going to a museum, only without the French paintings.’’ No offense, but if I wanted to cover the past, I’d move to Gettysburg and stare at the cannons on Little Round Top.

The Wahoos are the Reds. Not now, but soon enough. I think we need to get a jump on our competition, boss. Be the Only Media Outlet In The Tristate covering Amir Garrett and Rookie Davis.

I need to go to Pensacola, and I need to go now, and I need you to spring for a 2-bedroom condo on the beach. I have taken the liberty of looking into the rates: Anywhere from $150 to $270 a night, no more than $8,100 for the month. A bit pricey, but I’m worth it.

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The Wahoos are who the Reds want to be when they grow up. Check out the top of this rotation, boss:

Amir Garrett, 1-2, 1.46 ERA, 25 strikeouts in 25 innings, a ridiculous WHIP of 0.85.

Rookie Davis, 2-1, 1.00 ERA, WHIP of 0.89.

Nick Travieso, 1-0, 2.63 ERA.

If that’s not enough, the Blue Wahoos also have Homer Bailey and Anthony DeSclafani making rehab starts. I don’t know if that five-man of Garrett, Davis, Travieso, Bailey and DeSclafani could beat the Reds current rotation. But it’d be close. And if I’m a fan, I can see those guys for $7, plus get seafood at the concession stand that’s right off the boat. Literally.

The menu sounds like Bubba from Forrest Gump: Shrimp and grits, shrimp po’ boys, shrimp tacos.

Baseball is the one sport where we don’t need a big crystal ball to see the future. We just need to watch some minor-league games. In Pensacola, where it was 75 and sunny on Wednesday.

“OK, Doc, but what about Louisville?’’ says Boss. He notes the Bats have a big hunk of Reds future, too: Robert Stephenson, Cody Reed, Jesse Winker and Jose Peraza, among others.

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“Bubba Watson doesn’t own part of the Bats,’’ I say. “Besides, anybody can go to Louisville.’’

Plus, you know, it’s Louisville.

I make a phone call to the Blue Wahoos’ office. “I need you to convince my boss we should have a Wahoos reporter on site,’’ I tell her. She says that would be awesome.

Maryjane Gardner explains that a magazine named Stadium Journeys ranked Bayfront Stadium the 11th-best sports venue in the country last year. “Better than Fenway Park,’’ she says. The same publication said the ballpark was No. 2 in Florida, trailing only the Daytona International Speedway.

Every Thursday night the marketing department dreams up something offbeat. On a recent Thursday, they produced a Throwback Night, celebrating the end of Prohibition. Women dressed as flappers worked the stands. A kid dressed as a newsboy greeted fans as they entered the ballpark. And beers were buy one, get one.

Of course it’s corny. It’s the minor leagues. Did I mention BOGO beers?

May 26 is mullet-tossing night. Players competing to see who can throw a fish the furthest. That’s entertainment, boss.

But back to the real point. The story of the 2016 Reds is being written in Florida. Do we want to be ahead of the curve, or do we want to be a TV station? Because I am a dedicated employee and want only what’s best for the paper, I volunteer to spend a month in hot, buggy, hurricane-prone Florida. I’m just that kinda guy.

One more thing, boss: Can I expense the sunscreen?