FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.” “The Golden Boy would like to state right now, for the record, that at no time did the Golden Boy have any knowledge that team assistants were tampering with game balls,” said Brady, adding that, given the paramount importance of maintaining the game’s integrity, the Golden Boy would never, under any circumstances, seek an unfair advantage in order to win. “This investigation is obviously deeply flawed, and the Golden Boy looks forward to speaking to Commissioner Goodell so the Golden Boy can clear the Golden Boy’s name and focus on next season.” Brady reportedly ended the press conference by telling reporters that the Golden Boy will not be taking any questions and then promptly walked out of the room.

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