One of the best bits of advice I have for every new player who wants to make a name for themselves and have fun in the labyrinthine Melee scene is this- make friends, as having connections with fellow players makes everything easier, be it practice, attending tournaments, finding good food, whatever. Keeping with that theme- allow me to share a question I received from one of my 8 fans.

From-iMaDeThIsuP

Hi Griffin, I’m new to the competitive scene and although I was nice to people at my first local last night, I was still treated poorly. So I guess what I’m wondering is if you had any advice on how best to get people to think better of me?

I’m glad they came to me with this question- as #1 I do have advice and #2 I’m a master at making friends and earning respect. Need proof? Just look at the response I got from a fellow Colorado Smash player after I posted a link to my blog on the Facebook group

As you can see, the love that others share for me, my writing, and my abilities is boundless. As such, I feel it’s appropriate that I share my advice on how to make friends and become respected within the Smash community, not just for iMaDeThIsuP, but so that all my readers can become as well-liked as I. This won’t simply be advice however, this will be a what to do and what not to do guide, one that you can consult at any point. So let’s get to it.

ONLINE

DO- Be as hostile and dismissive of players who aren’t as skilled as you as possible

What this does is adequately mask the crippling lack of confidence you have in your own abilities and knowledge under a veil of douchebaggery. Do it and be amazed as your online peers say to themselves “Wow, he just said “git gud scrub” to a player asking for advice on the Icies matchup.. he must be amazing at this game”

Bonus points if you refer to the player you’re talking down to as “kiddo”, “kid”, or “bud”.

DO NOT- Help others online through guides, advice, or encouragement

The players who go out of their way to help others who aren’t as skilled as them are the scourge of this community. Look at this amazing guide by Squid. It’s truly reprehensible that he would share the knowledge he’s accumulated over years of playing this game to make the players around him better. You wanna become respected in the community? Then withhold any and all advice you have, because nothing is more admirable than a player that doesn’t help others. It shows that killer instinct, yaknow?

Extra reason you shouldn’t be like Squid- His guide helps Falco and Falco sucks

DO- Be an asshole on social media

This is one that I hardly have to say as a large amount of people have already caught on to the benefits of being a massive prick to community figures on Twitter and the like, but I’ll cover it anyways. Don’t forget that the goals here are to become respected and make friends, and few things accomplish both of those in one fell swoop better than becoming a social media shitheel. All it takes is going on Twitter and doing nothing but making deportation and doctor “jokes” and then in no time at all you will have earned the admiration and friendship of hundreds of internet trolls. Not tell me, how could you not want to be be associated with this guy?

Be sure to post racist, sexist, or homophobic comments as often as possible, as this will attract the best kinds of people

DO NOT- Show understanding, empathy, or support on social media

People who have a basic grasp on common human decency and better-than-deficient emotional intelligence skills aren’t cool. Remember this the next time a community figure goes on Twitter to vent about issues pertaining to their performance or personal life. Stop yourself before you do something dumb like offering words of encouragement that could potentially make them feel better. Instead, send them something along the lines of “quit crying bitch lmao” as this will show every 7th grader you’re looking to impress that you are in fact, really cool.

DURING FRIENDLIES

DO NOT- Be friendly

Just cause you aren’t being friendly doesn’t mean you can’t play friendlies. Nothing says “please walk all over me” like complimenting your opponent after they land a good combo on you. Sure you may make them feel good about themselves but then you will have admitted weakness! Instead, when they win a game just sigh really loud and tell them they got lucky. Continue huffing and puffing until it’s your turn to play again and then if you win, pop-off like you just won EVO and call the loser what they are- a loser, and if you lose, angrily rip your controller out of its port (it’s essential they know you’re pissed) and john to everyone around the setup about your controller/sleep schedule/blood sugar. Once everyone around you knows that you’re good and angry, feel free to exit the area. In doing so you’ll earn the admiration of not just those in your rotation, but everyone at the tournament. Like wildfire, the story of the guy who got really pissed off during friendlies will spread, and everyone will be talking about how much they envy the passion you have for the game and how much they want to have a beer with the petulant 9-year-old in an adult’s body who just threw his controller because he got 2 stocked during a friendly.

A good strategy to downplay your losses is say “who takes friendlies seriously anyways” despite each loss nearly causing you to develop an aneurysm

DO- Demean and disrespect everyone you’re capable of beating

The “DO NOT” above focused more on the losing side of friendlies, but this one here is about winning. Since again we are looking to earn people’s respect and friendship, what I would recommend is being the opposite of The Skill Hawk, rather than looking for the best players you should look for the worst. Go and find the players who are somehow worse than someone who just picked up the game and then brutally and mercilessly tear them apart to the best of your ability. What’s most important about this is that you be as obnoxious as possible in beating them- loudly exclaiming to everyone in earshot that your low-tiers are winning, laughing directly into your opponents’ faces whenever they SD, and making guttural noises anytime you make a successful read are just a few of the possibilities. Just make for certain that everyone is noticing you beat up the Melee player equivalents of newborns, as few things will make people assume your genitals are large and desirable quite like stomping newborns.

Human Centipede 2 is an awful film

DO NOT– Adhere to conventional rules for friendlies

What do Batman, John McClaine, and Dirty Harry have in common? They’re cool as shit and don’t follow the rules. Everyone likes those guys and you want everyone to like you too, so naturally you shouldn’t follow the rules either. There isn’t really a definitive bad-boy of Melee and if you wanna become that then you need to start by being the bad-boy of friendlies. For those who aren’t aware, each friendlies setup will have their own individual rules but typically it’s winner stays in, bo1, and I don’t know about you, but nothing says “I’m a loose cannon who doesn’t take shit from nobody” like crossing your arms and refusing to move on with the rotation because you thought you should have won.

TOURNAMENT MATCHES

DO- Be a sore loser

“Don’t be a sore loser” was one of the most common sayings you heard as a kid next to “drugs aren’t cool” but as we grew older we found out drugs are actually pretty cool and the Easter Bunny and Santa are fake, so why should we believe that being a sore loser is bad? (Don’t do drugs kids) So next time you’re overcome by the urge to refuse a handshake, throw something, or assault your opponent with your controller’s cord, remember that being a sore loser is not just ok, it’s advised, as even though you wanna make friends, you can’t be friends with everyone and throwing a temper tantrum and acting like an all-around douchedick whenever you lose will be good to weed out lame-os who care about stuff like humility, respect, and good manners.

Legend has it that whoever completes the Holy Trifecta of After-Match Salt (thrown controller, handshake refusal, and physical assault of another person will be awarded a with a brand on their forehead that says “fuckface”

DO NOT- Be a graceful winner

This is perhaps the most important bit of advice I can give you- if you want to impress your peers, there is no victory, no matter how insignificant, that isn’t worth tossing your controller in the air, removing your shirt, flossing your crotch with said shirt, and yelling nonsense words into your opponents face. Win 2-0 vs the worst player in your bracket? You need to light off fireworks in the ballroom. Barely scrape by with a W against a low-tier main from Arkansas in pools? You had better grab your significant other and literally fuck them in full view of everyone or no one is gonna understand how happy you are that you won. Because when spectators see ridiculously over-the-top pop-offs they don’t think you’re a flamboyant asshat, they think you’re a super cool person with incredible self-restraint.

Disclaimer- I fucking love pop-offs. Don’t take this point seriously as pop-offs are literally my favorite things in the world. Just make sure they’re done at reasonable times. Once it’s at a reasonable time take it as far as you want. With the way they’re progressing I’ll be disappointed if a TV doesn’t get thrown in celebration by 2017

DO- John, john, and john

Now before we get started here I would like you to realize what I think a john is. Every “I would have won or done better but…” statement is a john. WITH THAT BEING SAID, there are valid and invalid johns and I think the community has kinda forgotten that that distinction exists in many ways. If you say you lost because your appendix burst in the middle of game 5, that’s a valid john. “I sneezed” is not valid. Make sense?

Well that distinction shouldn’t matter for you if you want to be liked, as you need to do everything in your power to make your losses seem as unfair and insignificant as possible. Just remember, no matter how silly your john is, there’s no way it can make people think less of you than if they thought you lost straight-up. So tell them you lost because the TV was too big, or because you had a rock in your shoe, but whatever you do make sure you A) are shameless about it and B) never admit the person who beat you was better than you. That is because children, it’s better to make an ass out of yourself and have the whole community laugh at you than it is to admit that a person was playing better than you that day.

Consider branching out from in-person johns and twitter johns towards something more grand, like the creation of a graffiti mural dedicated to your jammed L button

AWAY FROM TOURNAMENTS

DO- Disrespect the hospitality of those who house you

Guess who respect the places in which they’re guests? Quakers. Now, who the hell has ever wanted to hangout with a Quaker? No one. Who ruins the places in which they’re guests? Rock stars. Who wants to hangout with rock stars? Fucking everybody. See where I’m going with this? You want smashers to think you’re cool, so if you get housed by a community member, don’t give them money, don’t keep it clean, and most of all don’t be polite to the owner. You wanna be a Melee rock star, well this is what you gotta do to get there. In all likelihood the homeowner will be pissed but that’s one friend gone and a thousand earned. Life is a game of give-and-take.

DO NOT- Take people to shitty restaurants

I have no wacky opposite-day shit to say about this. If you take me or any other smashers to a shitty restaurant you deserve to have your controller pissed on. One of the main reasons I travel out-of-state for tournaments is so I can sample some of the best restaurants in the area (the K-BBQ place after Paragon LA, notably) and if you waste my time or someone else’s at an awful place just because you wanted to be a culinary Magellan who discovers some hole in the wall joint, then you’re an asshole of the highest degree.

You wanna make friends? Don’t fuck with their meals.

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