Here's something we never thought we would say: Bill Belichick is the star of a new erotic novel. *cringe*

Following in the footsteps of his Pro Bowl player Rob Gronkowski—who was featured in an erotic novel called A Gronking to Remember that was sold on and then pulled from Amazon in 2015—Belichick is the lead character in a new novel called Bill Belichick Wants a Tight End and I Don't Mean Football by Sophia Miramontes (way to kill the suspense with that title, Sophia!). Forget that Belichick is literally the last guy you would expect to find on the front of an erotic novel. He's featured on the cover of the book, which is available on Amazon, and Amazon's description of the story reveals that "Bill Belichick gets seduced by a woman with large breasts who may be up to no good" in it. Sounds like a real page turner!

Miramontes has been busy this year. Since February, she's written erotic novels called Donald Trump and Bill Clinton’s Hot as F**ck Forbidden Romance and Hillary Clinton Spanks the Naughty Feminists as well as a short story called Donald Trump: Vampire Hunter, so her Belichick book only clocks in at 17 pages. But that gives her plenty of time to explore the burning carnal desires of a man who coaches football games in a chopped-up hoody and keeps his challenge flag buried deep in his sock.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't seem like it's very good (we know—SHOCKING!). From the two pages we read, it appears as though the book finds Belichick trying to pick up women in San Francisco during the week of Super Bowl 50 (even though he has a girlfriend IRL). And we only read two pages because, frankly, those two pages were a lot to take at once. Here's an excerpt, courtesy of Busted Coverage:

"The nighttime fog draped the San Francisco Peninsula like an ill fitting condom. The kind of condom that you forget to take off after your lover tells you she didn't orgasm again and this is becoming an issue. Then after much apologies and promises to try harder you go to the bathroom to pee and accidentally fill the tip with urine. The urine filled tip is San Francisco, because it has smelled like piss since forever and nobody seems to care. Bill Belichick walked the urine filled streets of this geographical phallus with a thirst for pussy."

Uhhhhhhh. Let's give this another try with a different excerpt, shall we?

"He walked over to the bar and ordered a beer. His eyes scanned the bar like a sultan examining it's harem. These women, Belichick thought, they don't even know what they're in for. After secretly taping those Rex Ryan foot videos, he knew how to suck on a toe and lick a vagina at the same time. All you had to do was...oh crap, Jim Harbaugh just walked in."

We have NEVER been so happy to see Jim Harbaugh walk into a room!

If you want to know what happens next, you can pony up 99 cents to buy the book. Just don't say we didn't warn you.

Send all complaints, compliments, and tips to sportstips@complex.com.