It’s been a week since the grapple finally got its main event push and after 7 days of non-stop publicity rounds and film offers, it’s safe to say this wrestling editorial has taken off faster than my ex-girlfriend. Of which there have been loads. In fact, I hate to name drop but I did once get pretty serious with a now-glamour model who shall remain nameRosieJonesless. Critics will no doubt argue that it’s not really getting serious when you’re 8 and she just has a few piano lessons with your mum before watching Goosebumps with you when her parents are late to pick her up. Fair point critics, but when we both jumped at the bit where the dog’s eyes glow yellow I swear to God that’s the most emotionally connected I’ve ever been with another human being. Anyway, my 19 twitter followers didn’t come here for an impressive list of my sexual conquests, so without further ado, let’s get our wrestle on brothers!

So we are only two sleepless nights away from Wrestlemania 30 and despite having mixed feelings about the card and the build up, I am still more aroused than I’ve been since my Mum sent me a postcard featuring the three boobed prostitute from Total Recall. The match drawing most excitement this year is Daniel Bryan vs HHH, fuelled by a solid build and HHH’s too good to be 100% scripted performance as the egomaniacal boss who’s happy to bury anyone it takes in order to establish himself as the greatest of all time. Brilliantly blurring the lines between entertainment and behind-the-scenes politics, the match has left everyone salivating for Bryan’s underdog victory and a Wrestlemania moment fitting of the new era.

Energising the match even further is the added stipulation that the winner moves to the main event, making it a more appetising triple threat for the title. Certainly a hell of a lot better than the Batista vs Randy Orton singles match they actually thought would work before realising that their logic in no way resembled our Earth logic. We actually caught a preview of what this main event would look like on Raw as we had the two square off and it was less engaging than a drunk Kiefer Sutherland squaring off against a Christmas tree. And that’s not an arbitrary, Family Guy esque cutaway gag. This actually happened:

Rounding out the top of the card we have Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar which, whilst almost guaranteeing a predictable Taker win, should be of a high calibre in virtue of Taker’s matches having stolen the show for five years straight now. Lesnar’s ridiculous strength/ferocity and Undertaker’s ripe age make for an unnerving combination but nowhere near as unnerving as the combination of Lesnar’s ridiculous strength/ferocity and his pre-pubescent voice.

The final match of note involves sensational new up and comer Bray Wyatt against minge faced roid gerbil John Cena who, after playing the ‘underdog overcoming the odds’ character for 12 years now, is about as entertaining as discovering a small, malignant growth on the side of your neck. One which pretends to be benign but then kicks out during treatment and immediately kills you. To be fair, their match has had the best build going into it and also benefits from an air of unpredictability. Will Cena miraculously overcome the odds once again or will he finally listen to my death threats now that I’ve upgraded from writing them in blue ink to my own blood?

Unfortunately, there were no real ‘Moves of the Week’ to speak of this week, mainly because Rollins didn’t have a match and also I suspect they were all keeping risks to a minimum to ensure they’re fit and ready for Sunday. As a token of my apologies, please instead accept this compilation of the ‘30 best Wrestlemania moments’. It’s a pretty good list except for its omission of Chris Benoit’s brutal execution of the two people that meant the world to him…HHH and Shawn Michaels.

In other Wrestlemania news, it’s now official that Stone Cold Steve Austin will be making an appearance. In what capacity is unknown but I’m sure I can’t be the only one who hopes he uses the 4 hour running time to stunner every man, woman and especially child who still cheers for Cena. Speaking of Austin, he recently reiterated his belief that CM Punk will also return at Mania. He’s almost definitely getting our hopes up unnecessarily here, but I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE, and if it turns out to be false and CM Punk doesn’t show? Well, I guess it’s suicide again for me.

My own wrestling career has quietened down this week principally because, like my televised peers, I don’t want to injure myself before my return to the squared circle. Not only have I got to worry about our own local Wrestlemania event, but I’ve also got The Friday Grapple’s Worldwide Tour coming up in two weeks’ time. This is our annual retreat where we aim to discuss Q2 results, provide projections for Q3, absorb some local culture and of course cut a bloody swathe through South East Asia as we chokeslam, pedigree and low blow anyone who stands in our way and anyone who doesn’t.

So with only two sleeps ‘til Mania, I hope y’all have a good weekend. I was planning on seeing Rosie Jones again this evening but she’s really raised security since last time I went round. I’ll just have to settle for the old facebook stalk, reading about how she’s off in Vegas this weekend for a photoshoot with other beautiful girls whilst I’m sat at home eating Special K out of the box, glued to my computer screen for any CM Punk updates. Still, I’ll be the one laughing when she’s being forced to go to another loud and ‘banging’ Vegas party whilst I’ve managed to live stream all 6 hours of the Wrestlemania Pre-Show without breaking a sweat.

See you on the other side Champs!