THE Guardian newspaper has launched its annual appeal to make you feel dreadful about Christmas.

Unveiling a miserable George Monbiot article about how we are all going to die of starvation, the paper pledged to ‘gnaw at our readers’ consciences like they will gnaw at the bones of horribly abused poultry’.

The paper is lining up a series of nasty, depressing yuletide features including excerpts from Jonathan Freedland’s new book It is Not a Wonderful Life, Polly Toynbee’s Guide to Turning a Nice Christmas Dinner into an Argument About Universal Benefits and an Owen Jones article about reactionary toys made by lovely, tiny dogs.

A spokesman said: “The only good thing capitalism has ever done is to turn Christmas into a secular indulgence instead of a credulous rehashing of manipulative, Iron Age fairy stories.

“We’re going to put that on a tea towel that you can give to your gran.”