SIX years ago, an advanced and very expensive Royal Navy nuclear submarine was trying to park . . . and somehow crashed into Scotland.

It was very embarrassing.

And now comes news that its sister ship, HMS Ambush, has bumped into a merchant ship while prowling around in the Mediterranean.

9 The nuclear submarine HMS Ambush Credit: Getty Images

Which caused many people to ask: “How does this sort of thing happen?”

We’ve seen enough war movies to know submarines have sonar and sensitive listening devices that enable them to hear plankton mating 5,000 miles away.

We know, too, that the sea is enormous and the chances of seeing another ship, let alone crashing into it — especially when you’re under the surface — are impossibly small.

Certainly, we know that the officers have access to maps and charts on which, I presume, Scotland is clearly marked.

And we imagine there’s a huge chain of command on board to make sure mistakes just can’t happen.

And yet somehow, in the Med this week, it did.

Again. Which meant this £1.1billion warship had to limp into Gibraltar with a crumpled fin.

Oh how the Spanish must have laughed.

The next day, we learned that the senior officer on board will undoubtedly be court-martialled.

And that his career in the Navy will almost certainly be over.

The message must be clear.

Britain has only seven hunter-killer subs and we can’t afford to have them bumping into stuff willy-nilly.

9 Clarkson has had his share of mishaps on four wheels despite it being his area of expertise

Yes, but hang on a minute.

I road test cars for a living.

But last weekend, while driving a rare and very expensive BMW M4 GTS, I managed to rip off its front spoiler, which jammed the steering.

It was in a very public place and everyone laughed at me.

And if I’d been in the Navy, I’d have been made to put on a uniform while Tom Cruise grilled me with a Herculean bout of mock incredulity.

And then I’d have been sacked. Again.

Remember the Herald of Free Enterprise?

A man on not much more than the minimum wage forgot to close the ferry’s door.

It rolled over and 193 people died.

So there was a huge furore and a million inquiries and it all came down to the fact that the man made a mistake.

A tragic mistake, for sure, and a mistake with horrific consequences.

But a mistake nevertheless.

This is what we always need to remember.

We are people.

And from time to time we cock up.

The punishment is that we know we cocked up.

And that will live with us for the rest of time.

VCR fans taping the hiss

NO one will have been surprised by the announcement that Japan’s last manufacturer of VCR machines is to halt production by the end of the month.

What is surprising is the news that last year it sold 750,000 of the damn things. To whom?

9 Who is still buying VCRs, asks Jeremy? Credit: Alamy

Who these days says: “Yes, I know I can watch anything I want immediately, even when I’m on the bus, but I’d rather have a device that forces me to scrabble about on my hands and knees so I can record a television show on a device where the quality is so bad that it takes me 20 minutes to realise, when I sit down to watch it, that I set the timer all wrong and that I taped the wrong thing by mistake”?

I suspect we are talking here about the same sort of people who know they can listen to any song at any time on a machine the size of a stamp – but choose instead to play “records” on something called a “deck”.

They always say the sound is “warmer”, whatever that means.

But I don’t know how they can tell.

Because normally it’s just a lot of static and hiss, static and hiss, static and hiss, static and hiss, static and hiss . . .

Can someone nudge the needle?

9 If you looked like this... you could survive a car crash

AUSTRALIAN road safety experts have created this model of what a human male would have to look like if it were to be capable of surviving a high-speed car crash.

He’d need a head like a boulder, no neck and nipples that could inflate in an emergency.

This is good news for John Prescott, should he ever be unfortunate enough to hit a tree in one of his Jaguars.

Apart from the nipples, obviously.

9 Former deputy PM John Prescott Credit: Reuters

PC WC brigade is potty

MOVES are afoot to allow mothers to breast feed their babies in the House of Commons.

And in a wide-ranging report, it’s also suggested that transgender toilets should be installed.

This is seen as part of an ongoing struggle to fight sexism and prejudice. Hmmm.

More like part of an ongoing struggle for our leaders to completely detach themselves from reality.

First of all, there are no transgender MPs that I’m aware of.

So why use taxpayers’ money to provide a facility that isn’t necessary?

You might as well install urinals suitable for Klingons.

And I’m sorry, but if MPs are debating something important – like, say, whether to bomb Libya – it would be wholly inappropriate for a mewling, puking baby to interrupt proceedings.

We really are bang in the middle of Monty Python’s Stan/Loretta debate here.

Because it’s all very well fighting for a man’s right to have babies.

But where’s the foetus going to gestate?

In a box?

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A real need for speed

A PENSIONER told cops he was doing 115mph and didn’t stop when they tried to pull him over because he was desperate for a pee.

Needless to say, his pleas fell on deaf ears, he was charged and doubtless the court will take away his licence.

And I’m not sure that’s fair – because when a man’s got to go . . .

Once, when I was caught short on a motorway trip, I eased the needle up quite a bit and screeched to a halt in the next service station’s disabled parking zone.

As I dashed from the car, someone pointed out that I wasn’t disabled.

To which I had to reply: “But you see, right now, I am.”

MANY people have been saying Leonardo DiCaprio’s fundraising event in St Tropez this week was just an excuse for the star, to spend time with a couple of hundred half-naked ladies. I wonder, however, whether they would be so cynical if they’d got an invite.

9 Leonardo DiCaprio laps up the attention from female pals Credit: WENN

AFTER he’d been battered half to death by Theresa May in the Commons this week, Labour leader (at time of writing) Jeremy Corbyn rose to his feet and asked how many Tory MPs ever had to use a food bank.

Well now, let’s see.

Yup, it’s none.

9 Jeremy Corbyn looks like a beaten man after Commons battering by Theresa May Credit: PA:Press Association

But now let’s turn it round, shall we, and ask how many Labour MPs are reduced to begging for soup on a Saturday afternoon?

Er, that’d be none as well.

So Jeremy, your point is what exactly?





Rock royalty Roger still living out loud

ONCE, a few years ago, I was invited to spend an evening with Pink Floyd’s drummer Nick Mason.

I arrived at his house fearful that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the excesses of a genuine rock god.

9 Still got it... Legendary rocker Roger Daltrey Credit: Getty Images

Well, after a glass of wine he produced a lovely chicken casserole that he’d made and afterwards he made cocoa and fell asleep in front of the ten o’clock news.

There was a similar surprise this week, when I spent the afternoon with The Who’s legendary frontman Roger Daltrey, right.

This is a man who lived through all of Keith Moon’s madness.

He’s seen cars being driven into swimming pools and thrown televisions from hotel windows.

He played at Woodstock, for crying out loud.

9 The Who In Concert in Miami Credit: Getty Images

We met at a pub in West London, where we drank water (well, he did) and we talked about hearing aids.

Apparently, the best is from a company called Widex.

“Listen,” he said, taking them out of his ears and putting them into mine. “You can hear the birds singing.”

Next week I’ll probably find out that these days Robert Plant likes doing watercolours.