CDC Recommends All Americans Keep Audio Logs During Pandemic for Future Protagonists to Stumble Upon

WASHINGTON — At a press conference this afternoon, CDC Director Robert Redfield urged all American citizens to begin keeping audio diaries during the COVID-19 pandemic, should scavenging protagonists need them in the future.

“Keeping an audio log is a very simple process that will likely keep others safe in the coming days,” said Redfield. “Future generations will thank us when rummaging through the wreckage we have left behind, wondering what happened, if they stumble across your exposition-heavy audio recording that ends with you coughing uncontrollably. By leaving your fate ambiguous, they won’t know how much danger they might be in, which will do wonders to expand their world and curiosity about what happened to ours.”

While the CDC claims that keeping an audio log should be simple, many Americans aren’t so sure it will be an easy feat.

“I don’t just have a giant tape recorder laying around,” said local bartender Anna Weitzman. “They said you can’t use Medicaid for COVID-19 testing, so I’m not gonna risk going back outside to get a tape recorder and then end up getting sick. I’m pretty confident that I’ll be fine if I just stay inside my apartment with a couple of useful items scattered around near me and the combination for a secret safe written on a scrap of paper in my desk.”

At press time, the CDC confirmed that as soon as they figure out how to implement flavortext on toilet paper, they would do so immediately.

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