Mesut Ozil has revealed that a phone call from Arsene Wenger was what convinced him to move from Real Madrid to Arsenal on transfer deadline day. Wenger spoke to Ozil in fluent German and the midfielder told Die Welt, "Somehow this telephone call just flicked a switch in me. I thought: 'What he is telling me is what I have missed at Real: transparency, trust, respect. He told me exactly how he sees me [as a player], how he wants to use me, what he expects from me and what he hopes I will contribute." The following is a transcript of that conversation.

Wenger: (in German) Hello, Mesut! This is Arsene Wenger. How are you?

Ozil: Wow, you speak German?

Wenger: Of course I speak German. Who do you think I am, Harry Redknapp? I can communicate through more than just Cockney jowl noises.

Ozil: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that-

Wenger: Stuff your sorries in a sack. That's not why I called. I called because of one German word in particular. My favorite German word of all: Schadenfreude. Do you like schadenfreude, Mesut?

Ozil: I...I guess.

Wenger: Well, I like it a lot, Mesut. Schadenfreude is better than a thousand fourth-place trophies. Anyway, I won't waste your time or mine. Here's my proposal — I don't like Spurs, you don't like Real Madrid, so let's annoy them both and bring you to Arsenal. The schadenfreude will be off the charts — and I do have charts for this. You'll be my prized player. You know who else I brought in this summer? Yaya Sanogo and Mathieu freaking Flamini. Compared to those schmoes you'll be seen as a cross between Zeus and Dolph Lundgren. Everyone will be so shocked and excited by the move that you'll make Gareth Bale to Real Madrid look like a divorced bus driver going to McDonald's on his birthday. Real will hate it and every time I look at you, I will feel pure, vengeful joy and laugh harder than I do at Kangaroo Jack and I f***ing love Kangaroo Jack. Spurs will be irate that I circumvented their "special relationship" with Real to land a better player than any of the nine thousands Not Gareth Bales they signed this summer. I will put you on a pedestal in the middle of the pitch and have pyrotechnics explode all around you every five minutes, spelling out the words, "EAT IT , LOSERS." Other clubs will be so in awe of your talent that they will hand us all of their trophies and baked goods. Your contribution to the team will be to make everyone but us miserable. We will pay you £140,000 a week — that's more than I would pay my own son — and we'll pay Real Madrid £42 million to make you the second most expensive player in Premier League history, just so you don't have to worry about turing out like Fernando Torres. So. How does that sound?

Ozil: You had me at "schadenfreude."

Wenger: WA-BAM! Yes! Haha this is even better than the day I watched Kangaroo Jack and ate Cadbury Creme Eggs I found in an alley. I have Ivan Gazidis shoveling the money at Florento Perez, so just sign the contract I faxed over and we'll be set.

Ozil: OK, I have signed and sent it back. But Mr. Wenger, I must tell you that this project excites me so much that I would've played for free.

Wenger: What.

Ozil: This is a great club and I want to prove to Real Madrid that they're making a mistake in letting me go. I would have played for free.

Wenger: You're just saying that, right? Like, to be a brown noser, right?

Ozil: No, I really would have.

Wenger: God- ... Alright. OK. This is still OK. I'll just pretend- ... No, whatever. It's fine. It's still fine. This doesn't ruin the schadenfreude. THIS DOESN'T RUIN THE SCHADENFREUDE! Just don't ever say that again. Promise me that you'll never say that again.

Ozil: I promise. I'm sorry.

Wenger: Stop saying you're sorry. I don't want you to say you're sorry again until it's to Florentino Perez and Daniel Levy for being failures who smell like cat food. I can't believe you would've played for free...

Ozil: I just got a text from Manchester United. It says, "Hi Mesut. Not sure how well you know him, but can you tell Cesc Fabregas to return our calls? We still really want to sign him even though he said he doesn't want to sign with us."

Wenger: This day just keeps getting better.