I live in a neighborhood that is dense with children. They’re everywhere. But to be honest it makes me not want to go outside for fear of over-hearing “the question.” You know the one. The classic “Is that a boy or girl?” I swear my ears have pricked up catching snippets of essentially that question. But I can neither confirm or deny it. I honestly have no idea how they think of me. But I can only speculate and it makes me feel not so great.

Children are especially interested in questions of gender and gender ambiguity is fascinating indeed. They also lack the social filter to know it’s rude to blurt out such questions loudly.

Some might not be bothered by such questions. They might use them as opportunities to reflect the question back on the children, asking them: “Well, what do you think?” I’ve seen many heart-warming stories to that effect.

But I really don’t want to give the children such an opportunity. Because children are also known for another social phenomenon: laughing and making fun of people. And while yes the children don’t pose a threat to my physical safety they do pose a threat to my emotional safety.

I don’t like being reminded that I don’t pass, which, in effect means that I “look like a man,” whatever that means. So whenever “the question” is asked it is essentially a trigger for my dysphoria and a reminder of everything I don’t like about myself.

For these reasons, I am especially cautious around children. I essentially clam up, keep my voice down, and try to ignore them the best I can.

Some trans people might not be able to relate to this but I’m sure some do. Some might enjoy the opportunity for education, getting children to reflect on gender and how our society defines it. So perhaps if these children directly challenged me with “the question” and I responded with “I’m a girl” they would just accept it at face value.

But in reality I don’t even identify as a girl. I see myself as neither a boy or a girl. Can children grasp the significance of saying “neither” in response to the question? Hard to say. But I could imagine that conversation going sour in multiple ways. Now, I have great faith in the capacity of children to think outside the binary if given the opportunity for reflection guided by a knowledgeable older person. But I don’t want to be that older person, certainly not in the heat of the moment. Nor would I want to face the possibility of backlash.

Cis people reading this might think, wow! you sure are over-thinking this! But that just speaks to the fact that as a trans person I am hyper-vigilant about gender in a way that most cis people are not. Even four years later gender is constantly on my mind and I concern myself with passing quite a bit. Not necessarily because of internalized bullshit, but largely just out of reasons of safety and security, not wanting to be harassed, or made fun of, laughed at, ridiculed, etc.

I think children are the future and on the whole they seem less constrained by the flawed thinking of the gender binary. Are children capable of accepting trans and non-binary people? Absolutely. Many of them think it’s no big deal at all. But they still have a kind of curiosity that makes them ask questions, questions that can make me want to hide under a rock.

But I can’t live under a rock forever. So maybe I will have to have that tough conversation eventually. Until then, I will continue grumbling, “Get off my lawn!”