Children and their importance to my life has long been a favorite topic of mine, but I didn’t have any plan to write about it at this point in time- that is, until I saw Bill Maher’s fabulous interview with Cameron Diaz, which touched upon the subject.

Marriage and children are two values that our society holds in a very high regard, and I was pleased to see Cameron, a very mainstream American actress, be brave and frank enough to admit that she perhaps does not automatically agree with the status quo on this subject. Nor do I. I recognize that for many people, having children is fulfilling in many ways and gives their life a purpose. But maybe that’s not how everyone thinks.

Here’s the truth- I don’t want to have children. At least not now. I know that opinion could change in 20 years, but I’m not sure how. The fact is, I’m not a woman, so I never have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant or finally giving into my biological clock. The only way I can foresee it happening now is if I end up with someone in life who desperately wants to have children, and the sex is so great I can’t dump them over it (I’m such a good person, I know). I just don’t see myself waking up when I’m 40 and thinking, “Hey, I want to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars into one of those puking crying peeing machines that slowly grow up to a be a resentful teenager and eventually turns into an adult you see a few times a year and then puts you in a nursing home and arranges your funeral”. Just writing that sentence made me depressed.

I think I’m just one of those people who shouldn’t reproduce. I plan on having an exciting life, most likely living in Manhattan and working hard at a fabulous, non-stop job that allows me to travel all around the world. Maybe not the best environment to raise children in. I have bad habits- I swear, I enjoy a fine cigar, I watch trashy TV. Not things I should pass on to a child. I’m not religious, so I probably wouldn’t want to have the baby baptized, but then my whole family would probably force me to anyway just as an insurance policy that the baby doesn’t go to hell, and then I’d feel like a hypocrite. I used to think maybe I’d pull a Madonna and adopt a baby from Africa or something. But I’d probably get tired of it after a few weeks and try to return it or something. That would send me to hell. And my skin burns way too easily for that.

You always hear that people who don’t like children are terrible, immoral, soulless people who are self-centered and have no meaning in life. I politely disagree. I’m not begrudging your desire for children, why must you irritate me about my personal choices? For the record, I don’t hate children. I merely prefer the company of adults. I can only sustain a conversation with a child for so long before I’m ready to jump out a window. I’d like to think of myself as a moral person, and though I can be self-indulgent (I’m writing a blog, aren’t I?). I also always think of others. It’s assumed in our society that we all want to encourage children. I don’t, and neither do scientists- the world is becoming grossly overpopulated and its resources are being drained- all because people keep having so many children!

Of course, my stance against children also makes me consider whether marriage will work out for me. See, when you enter a marriage, it’s kind of like you have a partnership with that one other person. And the product that you and your partner produce is children. Without children, you have no product, and your partnership fails. That’s why the divorce rates are so much higher among couples without children- you don’t have a reason to stick around! Eventually you’re just two adults living together, and then you look at one another and think, “Hey, isn’t it time for you to go home?”

I think marriage can be unnecessary. I’m not afraid of commitment and monogamy, but what’s wrong with just having that? Why do you have to announce your love to the whole world in the Sunday Times and waste a million dollars on a big party? I’ll tell you why. The gifts. People have lavish weddings (and then, baby showers) so they can get gifts. When I’m an adult, I know I’ll be thinking, “Excuse me, where’s my party?” When my married friends invite me over to “hang out with them and their kid” (read: make me ensure their kid doesn’t accidentally electrocute himself while they relax for the first time in five years), I’ll say, “Fine. But tomorrow I’ll expect you to pick me out something real nice for me. I’m registered at Prada.”

If you’re not religious, there’s really no reason to get married. Besides, of course, the legal and medical benefits, and having someone to take care of your old sick ass. But if that’s all you’re worried about, why not just wait until you’re old and have cancer or something? Hospitals could have singles’ nights in the terminally ill ward. You’d see old ladies gettin’ their thang on to Beyonce, trying not to further damage their hip. It would be great fun for all. That’s probably what I will do. I’ll wait till I’m 80 and have carpal tunnel, and then maybe I’ll finally discover the married gene. I would also have double the options in my marriage search because at that point I could marry either a woman or a man. Why not? Sex isn’t really a deciding factor at that point.

Now, to wrap this post up, let’s review-

1. Cameron Diaz is fierce.

2. Having children is not for everyone.

3. If you’re not religious, you shouldn’t really care about your baby being baptized although there is that slight chance he or she might go to hell. But maybe the kid is kind of a brat anyway.

4. If you snatch a baby from some third-world continent, please don’t return it. It’s a horrible thing to do and imagine how much you’ll have to pay FedEx in shipping and handling.

5. There’s no point in getting married when you’re young and healthy if you don’t plan on having children, or aren’t religious.

6. I will forever regard baby/wedding showers as total scams until I get one too.

So are children necessary? Well, for the purpose of the continuation of the human species, yes. But for me, personally….no.