Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Note: Really naughty boys and girls get a visit from a roving gang of Christmas Ninjas. And struggling will only make it worse.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til Festivus/Christmas/Kwanzaa: 8/10/11

Days `til the St. Paul Winter Carnival: 37

Percent of new homes in the U.S. that got the Energy Star seal---meaning 20 percent more energy-efficient than typical new homes---last year: 17%

Percent increase from 2007: 5%

Approximate worth of a first-edition copy of Darwin's On the Origin of the Species that was found in a bathroom of a British estate: $100,000

(Source: The Week)

Miles the Olympic flame is traveling trip across Canada: 28,000

Minimum number of times the flame has blown out: 12

(Source: CanWest News)

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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

AlGore (and all the other Lefties) KNOW they lie, but they do so in full confidence that they’ll never be challenged by a sycophantic, Liberal media.

---Commenter Glockomac

All together now: One...two...three... Classy

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Puppy Pic of the Day: It was just a matter of time before the dogs turned droll.

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CHEERS to hitting the mother lode. Well, well, well. Methinks the evildoers in the inner circle of the Bush administration are waking up this morning to a rude surprise:

[Rrrring!! Rrrring!] "Hello?" "Turdblossom! POTUS 43 here." "Good morning, Mr. President!" "Say, Karl, I got some bad news, I think. They found the damning emails that you'd hidden in the file labeled NOTHING TO SEE HERE, PLEASE IGNORE. "Oh, Jesus. Oh JESUS!!! How many did they find?" "Um...one, two, three, four, five, ten, twenty, twenty-two..." "Oh, phew! Thank God---only twenty two." "...million." [Clunk] "Karl? Karl? Hello...?"

But before you start drooling all over your keyboard, Jonathan Turley reminds us that the emails won’t be made public until 2014. Memo to the National Archives: if you get any job applications for "email processing specialist" from "Hooter Scibby," "Galberto Onzales" or "Rondoreezza Ice," lock the place down and call the proper authorities!

JEERS to a late entry in the Understatement of the Decade contest: "A less than ideal bill." Yes, folks, the Senate healthcare reform bill---once a promising and historic piece of legislation---became stinky when Joe Lieberman publicly took a dump on it and forced Harry Reid and Barack Obama to laminate it and pledge their undying allegiance to it yesterday. This is how the mighty Democratic majority fulfills its promise to the American people---like clumsy fools:

Harry Reid and other leading Senate Democrats emerged from this evening's special caucus meeting with little to say about what transpired in the closed door session and didn't take questions from reporters. But as the Senate moves toward a vote on health care reform next week, it's becoming apparent that even the most pro-reform senators are resigning themselves to a less-than-ideal bill and that the White House is keeping the pressure on to get a bill passed even if that means acceding to the demands of Joe Lieberman.

But it's not over yet, kids! Ben Nelson's up next, and he won't budge until the bill applies only to blastocysts. So... All I can say this morning is: buy stock in health insurance companies. Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy. Boom times ahead!

Disclaimer: The preceding financial advice was for amusement purposes only. We take no responsibility for your financial outcome.

Disclaimer to the disclaimer: Unless it pans out, in which case we'll settle for 20 percent.

JEERS to sinking civilization. The Tuvaluan delegate to the climate change conference in Copenhagen bears bad news:

"It is an irony of the modern world that the fate of the world is being determined by some senators in the U.S. Congress."

Which explains why the conference organizers just added a new workshop: "Ass-Goodbye-Kissing 101." I hear it sold out in less than a minute.

CHEERS to freedom's Kevlar vest. On December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect. Let's review:

I. You can say anything you want except "Fire!" in a crowded theatre, "I have a bomb in my suitcase" in an airport, or "Let's have a lengthy discussion about Tiger Woods" anywhere; The press has total freedom, including the freedom to aid and abet the government as it invades a country for reasons that a smattering of investigative journalism would reveal as bullshit; The United States is technically godless, except during prayers in Congress and invocations at inaugurations and the end of any presidential speech, and also in the Pledge of Allegiance and on your money and also the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives and...oh hell, let's just admit it: God is our pimp. II. Guns---Fuck Yeah! III. You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But if it's a stripper dressed up like a soldier you'd be crazy not to. IV. Prohibits searches and seizures without a warrant unless the information is gathered via a government-approved telecommunications company which is paid by your tax dollars to suck up all your communications like a vacuum cleaner and spit it out at the NSA, where an agent will sort through it all, especially your illegally-downloaded porn, for which he thanks you kindly. V. The amendment to invoke when you're in really deep shit. VI. You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the "Be afraid, be very afraid" amendment. VII. Two jury amendments in a row? Zzzzzzzzz.... VIII. No cruel or unusual punishment shall be authorized by anyone except whomever happens to become the 20th Republican Vice President. Lucky duck! IX. After nine amendments the score is tied...we're goin' into extra innings! X. States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the "sore loser" amendment.

To quote James Madison: "Eh...they'll do."

CHEERS to unions for same-sex yodelers. Great---now it's fuckin' Austria that's kicking our butts. Yeah, Austria!!! While the U.S. grants nothing tangible to gay couples at the federal level, the country that spawned Der Fuhrer has approved civil unions...admittedly with some strings:

Austrian civil unions are not equal to marriage, since CU'd couples aren't allowed to adopt or use artificial insemination, and couples have to register in the coat closet rather than the regular registry office. Still, this is a huge and excellent start. We know that these prohibitions will fall away in time.

In other words, the Austrian parliament just sent the message: "You’re here, you're queer, and we've started the process of getting used to it." Danke schon.

P.S. On December 15, 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declared that gay people are not "mentally ill." But they still officially maintain that being a Log Cabin Republican is "just weird."

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Five years ago in C&J: December 15, 2004

JEERS to the new Three Stooges. Bush awards Medals of Freedom to George Tenet (for botching pre-war intelligence), "Viceroy" Paul Bremer (for botching reconstruction in Iraq), and General Tommy Franks (for his sexy swagger). "That's the signpost just up ahead. Your next stop: The Twilight Zone."

CHEERS to Social Security. Don't let Bush fool ya...it's in better shape than he's letting on, as this graph shows. Gotta love those manufactured scare scandals. Ooga Booga!!

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And just one more...

HEH to "roughing it." L.L. Bean. The name evokes images of tough, bewhiskered outdoorsmen and women (minus the whiskers in most cases) tromping through snow, wind and rain to catch the elusive largemouth bass, bring down the mighty moose, or conquer the mocking mountain. For breakfast: tree bark. For dinner: rusty nails. And plaid everything that screams, "I can and will gut anything that moves in five seconds flat." So it was a little weird opening up the paper yesterday and finding a full-page ad for its flagship store in Freeport promoting---in big ol' caps---"FREE VALET PARKING" to "take the stress out of searching for a parking space." Tips are appreciated, and they ask that you kindly refrain from gutting the valet, tempting as it might be. Well...at least give him a running start.

Have a nice Tuesday. Stand out from the crowd. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"Any person over the age of 21 who discovers Bill in Portland Maine and takes him seriously is automatically disqualified from ever being taken seriously again."

---Digby

12/12/09

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