There’s a certain type of bitch that I hate. Like. Literally. hate. They’re everywhere, hiding in plain sight on campus, walking around being all prim and proper with their books pressed tightly against their ta-tas, looking like they’re about to drop their pens at inopportune moments, exposing their milky derrieres, but not doing so. They’re all secretly trying to steal all of the attention that little ol’ pretty me and my totally gorge friends get from hot guys.

Have you guessed what type I’m talking about? No, not Asians—these girls are far more sinister. I’m talking, of course, about the girls who say things like, “I could never be in a friends-with-benefits situation, I want sex to mean something” or “I could never have a one-night stand, I need to have that emotional connection.” Whenever a girl, like, utters, those words, I’m like sitting there, trying to inhale some of the butterfly effects, because it just about seems that we’ve traveled back to the nineteen-fiddies.

Newsflash: This is the modern world, we are modern women. Modern women are sexually liberated. We are supposed to have as much sex as possible with as many strangers as we can, because we can! A woman’s sex drive is exactly the same as the male sex drive, there are NO fucking differences! In fact, we should all be out there getting rammed and proving that point right now, because, as I always say: “Every second you ain’t jamming a D between your twins, the patriarchy wins.” That’s why the 2Good4FWB crowd really fucking gets to me—because they’re making us women seem like we’re prone to mix emotions and fucking—but we’re not, we’re just like men, we can separate the two, I promise. Like, some of you have tried to do the FWB situation but it didn’t work cuz you got “feelings” for the boy.

Arrrgh! Where do I even begin with that? First of all you’re confirming gender norms and undermining the fact that men and women’s sex drives are EXACTLY the same—I mean, how many guys do you hear being, like, opposed to a FWB situation? Ummm, like none, so it must be the same for us—because we are the fucking same. Boys seem to even prefer FWB relationships to normal ones cuz it’s like, less hassle, and so do we girls. We’d rather have ten one-night stands in two weeks than have a steady boyfriend (urrghhh), wouldn’t we, GIRLS!?

[Aside to all girls]: OK, so I know like sometimes you get feelings for a boy after sex, but KEEP. THIS. UNDER. WRAPS—don’t let anyone know this, especially not white men; it makes feminists look bad. I put this info in an aside because I’m only talking to women now, so boys, don’t read this part.

Anyway, also, how do you think it makes strong, pretty, rosy-cheeked modern women like myself who have about a dozen FWBs at the moment, feel, when you’re saying you’re too good to have casual sex? I’ll answer that, you whores—it makes me feel totally slutty. You’re slut-shaming me by not sleeping around as much as I do. Like, WTF is your problem, trying to guilt me like that, are you just hipsters trying to go against the stream or what? Everyone knows that real, empowered women sleep around and don’t get attached, so why do you seem, like not even ashamed to not be comfortable with casual sex? Women are supposed to enjoy hook-up culture just as much as men—and we do—I swear. Sometimes, the 2Good4FWB crowd is so vocal that I get confused on what is the in thing to do—luckily my Women’s Studies teachers reassure me that sucking strange Schnabel every night is currently goodfem and rightthinkery.

Bottom line: I think women who’re not comfortable with casual sex are fugly, conservative, Anne Coulterite bimbos who think you’re so much better than me cuz you don’t have any STDs. Well, it’s ME, Anne Gus, one of the prettiest girls in Boston, and not YOU (you narcissistic prude cunt who thinks she’s too above everyone else to have a fucking FWB) that’s doing the correct feminist thing here.

There, I said it sistas—until y’all prude prunes start enjoying casual sex, you’re not even real women. You’re just pathetic.