RED DEER, AB – The United Conservative Party passed a motion at their convention this past weekend to require that teachers notify parents if their children display signs of holding any sort of progressive ideals. The controversial motion was framed as a school choice issue for parents who simply want total control over every aspect of who their child is as a person.

“Alberta parents have a right to know if their child has dangerous ideas about empathy, the environment, or God forbid, raising corporate tax rates,” said Martha Zhang from Parents for Total Surveillance. “If my child expresses any kind of tolerance or understanding while at school, as a mother I deserve to be informed right away so that I can snuff out those feelings at home with some forced Ayn Rand readings.”

Zhang believes that teachers too often leave parents out when it comes to developments in their children’s identity. “Imagine my shock when I had to find out from spying on my daughter’s tumblr that she even knew term ‘safe space’!” she added.

The motion followed a similar initiative by the UCP to notify parents if their child joins a gay-straight alliance. Party leader Jason Kenney insists that this motion is not about homophobia: “If the child of any Alberta parent were to join a gay-straight alliance at school, we’re not suggesting that the kid’s teacher should rat them out for the possibility that they might be gay, we want them ratted out for the much more dangerous possibility that they might simply be a straight person who cares about those who are different.”

“Pretty soon, that child will be able to vote!”

The members at the party convention further outlined guidelines for what progressive behaviours teachers should watch out for. Under a UCP government, Alberta parents will be notified if their child is seen redistributing their lunch based on need, retweeting Bernie Sanders, or using the words “problematic,” “appropriation,” or “carbon tax.” Any attempt to recycle will also be reported.

While some party members opposed this measure, claiming it “maybe makes us look a bit bad,” and that it infringes on a child’s right to privacy, Jason Kenney has insisted “We’re talking about children here. We don’t want them to have all sorts of rights. It’s not as if they’re foetuses.”

The motion was nearly defeated when one party member suggested that it might involve paying teachers more for doing extra work, but it passed once it was made clear that teachers would not be compensated.