FACT: Little kids are fucking annoying!

“Aww look how cute the baby is.” … “*Gasp* LOOK! He took 3 steps and fell on his butt. How adorable! ” … “Oh my God, I want one. ”

Yea. Go right ahead and have a kid RIGHT now. Go fuck like jack rabbits, kick your roommate out, decorate the room with kid shit, drench your dreams in gasoline and just light the bitch on fire. It’s over. Of course, it’s beautiful. It’s so magical how you have to wake up at 3am to rock that little fucker back to sleep. Wiping spray shit has never been this fun. It’s great! What’s even better is how all of a sudden you’re in charge of another human being who cries uncontrollably over God knows what.

And those are the best years. No matter how annoyed you are, the baby is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and you love them like you’ve never loved anything before.

Before you know it, their front teeth fall out and they smile every time they do something that nobody finds funny but them. You start forcing yourself to be unfunny so you won’t have to see that ghoulish grin until you just become the boring parent. They’ll seek fun by throwing YOUR shit out the window and voilà! You’re miserable. A little positivity and proud moments here and there but that’s about it.

Few years later, they’re older and a little less dependent and right before you start accepting it and enjoying their mild spurt of “maturity”, something goes wrong. Never fails. Whether it’s a pregnancy scare, a dumb ass tattoo, a shitty boyfriend/girlfriend, drugs … something happens.

Fast forward a few years later, your expectations are just 6 feet underground at this point. So, any type of progression they make, you’re satisfied with.

“Wow, things are looking up. I don’t have to worry and keep tabs anymore because my kid is all grown up.”

Hey, you know when you buy McDonald’s, and you’re doing your happy dance while you eat because you love your nuggets and Big Macs and what not? Soon as you finish, “Good golly, what a piece of shit. I’m still hungry. I should’ve bought a chicken & rice platter from the Halal truck instead.” Yea.

The night life you once lived resumes. Your attempt to hit the club and scoop a young whipper snapper just fails because holy shit…. YOU’RE FUCKING OLD, DUDE!

20+ years have gone by and there’s nothing you can do about it. No make-up or baseball cap in the world can fully disguise them wrinkles on your face and muffin top is inevitable. Any sudden movement you make looks like a truffle shuffle.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, having children is the ultimate “youth disintegrator”. Teen moms and dads are automatically perceived as bad parents if they’re spotted out and about without their kids, trying to have fun and hold on to the majesty of the wonder years. Anything after that is classified as follows.

Women: MILF

Men: Filth

I’m done. *pokes holes in asshole’s condoms*