December 20, 2018

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Featuring: Asterios Kokkinos, Sriracha, Mumkey Jones

YOUTUBE HATES HIM. Mumkey Jones teaches kids this one weird trick to solving interpersonal conflict at school.

Producer Jesse here. I’m just going to say right off the bat that we record these episodes well in advance. Sometimes this means things feel a little dated, for example:

In the time since this episode was recorded, our guest host went from being a full-time Youtuber with over 300 thousand subscribers… to a cyber-hobo hauling his bindle of videos from platform to platform.

He’s a zoomer. Never been doomed-er. I’m speaking of course of Mumkey Jones, who as I write has been banned from Youtube and had all of his channels deleted.

I have no doubt that he’ll make it through this rough second act, but if you want to help our good friend on his way and see some more of his stuff, you can do that through his patreon at patreon.com/mumkey

Until then, close your eyes and let the smell of little boy asshole transport you back to the good old days. Here’s our first question:

00:08:23 “My girlfriend is really into anime and watches it religiously. I’m not much of a weeb myself and I don’t really watch anime outside of JJBA. How do I put up with it while watching as little anime as possible?” “My girlfriend is really into anime and watches it religiously. I’m not much of a weeb myself and I don’t really watch anime outside of JJBA. How do I put up with it while watching as little anime as possible?” — Thotmas, 16

The weebs in the group suggest ways to placate her, but Asterios’ years of experience tell him that shame is the real answer.

This next question suggests that it’s not just Mumkey: other producers of fun, teen-friendly content are also at risk of losing their livelihood.

00:15:13 “I sat next to this guy in Chemistry last year that was suspiciously friendly, and I didn’t think too much about it, and when he asked me last week if I knew anyone selling any drugs and I said no, he said he knew one of my friends was selling some, and if I do not get her to give him some then he’ll report her. I don’t want him talking to her because he’s a manipulative asshole, and I and my friends don’t mix well with that kind of people. What should I do?” “I sat next to this guy in Chemistry last year that was suspiciously friendly, and I didn’t think too much about it, and when he asked me last week if I knew anyone selling any drugs and I said no, he said he knew one of my friends was selling some, and if I do not get her to give him some then he’ll report her. I don’t want him talking to her because he’s a manipulative asshole, and I and my friends don’t mix well with that kind of people. What should I do?” — Sierra, 16

Mumkey preaches against the consumption of drugs, but only as a pretext for becoming an undercover highschool cop. If you guessed that Sriracha and Asterios’ advice was not to commit more crimes, welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid.

We usually like to stick to fun lighthearted topics like resisting extortion, but this episode we get a little more serious:

00:23:38 “Hey, Asterios and Srirancha, sorry for the question in advance, it’s not funny or lighthearted. My parents - both very nice, normal people - were yelling at each other for the first time ever tonight, and my dad called my mum a “lesbian bitch” and said she’d “have to be the one to tell the kids”. The writing on the wall’s pretty fucking clear. So what do I do now, if anything? It’s not a black and white issue, so I’m a bit lost at the moment. Thanks and sorry again for the overly serious question, Polka Hat. P.S. Feel free to ignore this, honestly. It’s not exactly the question for a show about WacDonald’s tales, weed, and crippling French family members.” “Hey, Asterios and Srirancha, sorry for the question in advance, it’s not funny or lighthearted. My parents - both very nice, normal people - were yelling at each other for the first time ever tonight, and my dad called my mum a “lesbian bitch” and said she’d “have to be the one to tell the kids”. The writing on the wall’s pretty fucking clear. So what do I do now, if anything? It’s not a black and white issue, so I’m a bit lost at the moment. Thanks and sorry again for the overly serious question, Polka Hat. P.S. Feel free to ignore this, honestly. It’s not exactly the question for a show about WacDonald’s tales, weed, and crippling French family members.” — Polka Hat, 17

Sriracha and Mumkey present a frame challenge: is it really so bad that Polka Hat’s parents are separating? Asterios’ solution is sincere, and thoughtful, and exactly the reason we don’t do many of these serious questions.

00:39:04 “Hi Asterios, I found you because I listen to Mumkey Jones. I take Architecture, and the guy who sits next to me is a rude asswipe. How do I tell someone to fuck off politely?” “Hi Asterios, I found you because I listen to Mumkey Jones. I take Architecture, and the guy who sits next to me is a rude asswipe. How do I tell someone to fuck off politely?” — Mel, 16

Asterios digs into his experience running Spite Incorporated in order to construct an elaborate, thematic scheme. Mumkey has a much simpler solution, and it involves bringing something to school. I won’t say what, but it rhymes with fun!

As always you can submit your questions on our website, or by voicemail at (347) 705-7617.

If you’d like to support the show you can go to patreon.com/asterios, and again, if you’d like to support Mumkey Jones head on over to patreon.com/mumkey.