28 reasons why you should never go to Portugal

If you ever think about going to Portugal to spend some time, then I strongly suggest you read this article before making your decision. It's for your own good, really.

1. Portugal is rather dull-looking.

Douro River, Porto.

Source

2. The natural landscapes aren’t exactly breathtaking.

Douro Valley

Source

3. If you’re looking to go to the beach, forget it. They're all crap.

Praia da Rocha, Algarve.

Source

4. Yep, nothing to see here at all, folks.

Beach cave at Praia de Benagil, Lagoa.

Source

5. Please, the hobbit house is a lot cooler. You poser.

Casa do Penedo in Fafe, Braga.

Source

6. It's a country with absolutely no history.

Padrão dos Descobrimentos, Lisbon.

Source

7. It’s boring to be at. Nowhere interesting to go to.

Guimarães Castle, the birthplace of Portugal.

Source

8. It’s just meh.

Serra da Estrela

Source

9. No interesting wildlife.

Iberian Wolf

Source

10. The countryside is as exciting as watching paint dry.

Drave, Aveiro.

Source

11. Aveiro is Portugal’s Venice? Pfff, please. Nice try.

Aveiro

Source

12. The food looks awful.

Cozido à portuguesa.

Source

13. And then there’s also the "francesinha" I wrote about in my former post. It almost makes you wanna throw up, doesn’t it?

Francesinha from Tappas Café in Candal, Vila Nova de Gaia, Porto.

Check out the former post here.

Source

14. The drinks too. No good wine anywhere in this country. Just awful.

Graham’s Port Wine.

Source

15. No especially tasty sweets either for dessert. Why God, why?

Pastéis de Belém, Lisbon.

Source

16. The cities, especially the main ones, look horrible. And you call yourself the capital, Lisbon?

Praça Marquês de Pombal, Lisbon.

Source

17. Nothing cultural or traditional worth noting.

Festa do São João in Porto (lit. St. John’s Festival).

Source

18. Museums are even more boring than usual. No history, remember?

National Coach Museum, Lisbon.

Source

Serralves Museum, Porto.

Source

19. No good music festivals happening either. Much less international ones.

Rock in Rio Lisbon 2014.

Source

20. And even the women are hideous. Seriously, some of them even have a moustache!

Sara Sampaio, Portuguese model (with a little tweak, lol).

Source

21. Awful music called “Fado” that is apparently held in high regard by all the Portuguese. Can’t figure that one out for the life of me.

A drawing of Amália Rodrigues in Lisbon. She is considered to be the voice of Portugal, the Queen of Fado.

Source

22. In terms of sports, Portugal sucks. No one here cares much about it, especially about football.

Estádio da Luz, Lisbon. Portugal x Sweden, 2013.

Source

23. The people are very rude. And they don’t care much for foreigners. You’ve been warned.

Merchants at the Bolhão Market, Porto.

Source

24. And look, it’s a freaking wasteland mostly.

Marvão, Portalegre.

Source

25. Especially in Alentejo. It’s basically the desert of Portugal.

Alentejo.

Source

26. People don’t know how to party there. Really disappointing.

Xutos e Pontapés at Enterro de Aveiro, April 2014.

Source

27. So, if you still haven’t got the message…

Parque da Cidade do Porto.

Source

28. Don’t bother traveling to Portugal!

Torre de Belém, Lisbon.

Source

Oh, and also...

Cristiano is obviously sad to see you’re never, ever coming to visit his country. So is Mourinho, but a tough SOB like him would never show his tears.

Source

You've probably realized it halfway through this, but I am indeed contradicting myself in this article. And yes, this is on purpose. That's because Portugal is actually one of the best places you could ever visit! Just ask anyone who's been there that was in a position similar to yours, or people that actually live there. And yes, you will probably encounter some older people with moustaches, although it's not as common as before. But not women though! That was just a joke.

I hope not...

Photo gallery