Hello, Hammond and May.

Hammond "Hammond and May" sounds slightly respectable.

May Like a firm of undertakers or rural solicitors.

Hammond [Politely] "Hello. Hammond and May. Can I help you?"

May "No, this is May. Hammond's at the golf course."

Hammond "No, they're both in the pub."

If Top Gear Presenters were the three bears, May would be Mummy Bear and Hammond Baby Bear. Is Clarkson Daddy Bear or Goldilocks?

May Is there Whoopsie Bear?

Hammond Or Twat Bear? He could be the grandmother from Little Red Riding Hood …

May Or the troll from Three Billy Goats Gruff. Can we mix fairytales?

Clarkson can't open his cake hole without upsetting someone. Have you ever considered replacing him with someone safer like Phillip Schofield?

May I've considered replacing him with a piece of inert furniture.

Hammond Or hitting him in the face with a barstool.

May Or inserting a Chesterfield (1) up his arse.

Richard, you advertised Morrisons. Who'd win in a Celebrity Come Dine With Me Special between you, Kerry Katona (2), John Hannah (3) and Caroline Quentin (4)?

Hammond That's the best question I've ever been asked. I would be rubbish.

James, ever noticed you look a bit like Susan Boyle?

May I don't look like Susan Boyle! I have had a snog apart from anything else.

Richard, are you disappointed you didn't die in that accident so they could rebuild you like Universal Soldier?

May Did you have an accident?

Hammond Yeah, terrible. Parking. Totally fucked it up.

Presumably you're looking for a new Stig (5). Can I apply?

Hammond Stig world is a mysterious place. Who knows what the process of reincarnation is? Does it work like the Dalai Lama? Do you wake up and realise, "Shit, it's me!"

Gadzooks! So there's a chance I might be The Stig already?

Hammond There's every chance (6). It's like Jeff Goldblum turning into The Fly. If you're shaving in the mirror and you notice your skin is white and shiny, it's you.

Were you disappointed that the old Stig didn't die when he took his helmet off like Darth Vader in Return Of The Jedi?

Hammond Ha!

Here are some polls Clarkson has topped recently. Please comment.

Hammond Is it World's Biggest Bellend?

Er, no. Fantasy House Sitter (7).

May He breaks everything; he's entirely incompetent at using the lavatory. Terrible idea.

Person Their Dad Is Most Like (8).

Hammond No, my dad's quite nice.

Largest Assumed Manhood In Showbusiness (9).

May That's a misprint. He is the biggest cock on television.

Hammond I've never encountered his love chap.

May Judging by his face you wouldn't want to catch sight of his scrotum … bloody hell!

Hammond Given how much uglier one's scrotum is than one's face.

May … and wrinklier.

Hammond … and hairier. He probably has lustrous locks.

May Shall we perhaps not think about it?

Top Gear: Apocalypse is out now on DVD

1 Posh leather sofa

2 Advertised Iceland

3 Ditto the Co-operative

4 Ditto M&S

5 Outed as Bristolian F3 driver Ben Collins

6 Hooray! Er, Mum, can I borrow the car?

7 By moneysupermarket.com

8 By iwantoneofthose.com

9 By f-buddy.co.uk