The mute girl in the background finally became Mrs. Trivia and there was only a dark night and desolate highway between Bobby Trivia and the start of a spectacular handjob from his wife. They had just gotten married in a country style cottage near the coast with a small party of less than 100. Weddings are always emotional, bringing suppressed feelings to the forefront with only an open bar to bring it all out. They’re trying to hide it, I can see.

Clarice was the maid of honor, an attractive Asian dressmaker with this weird fake British accent. She walks around like she owns the place but at one point, an angry sad scowl comes over her face. Because she’s wondering and getting upset that her less attractive friend gets married when she think she’s so much prettier and a has a more banging body. Where’s my guy…wheres my guy. So lonely. Well, you can start by getting the stick out of your ass and start smiling more. But yea, I would do her.

Peter & Diamond. 2 fiercely cute boyfriends which would be no big thing except they haven’t come out of the closet yet to their tiger mom and dad. Uhhh, have you heard them talk, have you seen how they dress, have you seen how they hang out together and hold hands and kiss each other. Thank god the Parents just don’t understand weren’t there because there were a grip load of gay people with short haircuts and masculine sashays. While people were taking their photos with Asa, gay boys just snapped at her and said “no vagina, no oysters, no silicone”. Asa Akira, this is your future.

Bobby Lee. He was suppose sit right next to me. Bobby to the left of me, Val to the right, it would have been awesome. But no, like the impetuous comic who’s rising star has now dropped so far down that his funnier brother won’t even watch the bit parts you get in stoner films that throw you a bone, you decide to not come to a wedding that you previously rsvp’d. Very uncool.

Yen. You were looking very sharp at the wedding. And probably very happy since it was an open bar, the night was intoxicating and you were also probably very excited to see your friend from Hawaii the next day. Ok, if you happen to have time traveled into the future and decide to read the Poon Report, please, please do not go see your friend. I cannot emphasize how much you need to get to the show on time. Let me just put it this way, David wore a poop diaper under his expensive suit since he had food poisoning and was shitting in his pants during the previous night. But on Sunday, you will be the one crapping in your pants. Like 2 years worth of chili dogs and fried chicken discharging from your anus shortly after David says “Yen, come sit down”.

Janice. Miss Trivia in law. You are definitely the funner one since you wanted to keep partying even after your parents begged you to go. In fact, they finally dragged you while you braked and kicked and fell over showing off your cute lil panties. Just how many drinks did you have? I would definitely do her.

Harry. Good to see you man. Its been awhile and you can keep partying with the best of them. Just a hint though, you might be able to make the wedding on time if you wore your shoes the right way, rather than the left of your right and your right on your left. Just a suggestion.

There were definitely a lot of girls worthy of hooking up with, a few of the bridesmaids, some lesbians, Joe Hahn’s wife. Whoever. But as Paul Choe says, “No one ever hooks up at weddings. No one”.