Like literally most sex things, threesomes are something that are hot and steamy in your ~raunchy fantasies~, but have the potential to look and feel extremely awkward IRL. Whether you've had 18 threesomes or none at all (yet), things can get weird when there's more than one person in the room. Which makes sense! Think about how difficult it can be to order a pizza that three opinionated people can agree on, and now consider the fact that there are far more sexual scenarios than pizza toppings in this world. A nightmare!

Fortunately, sex educator Reid Mihalko (who claims to have had so many threesomes he "stopped counting 15 years ago") stopped by the 2017 Sexual Health Expo in Brooklyn to give some advice from his storied threesome-having experiences. Dressed in a tuxedo, Mihalko delivered his best tips for actually good and successful threesomes to room overflowing with people at SHE. Here are 11 takeaways from his packed lecture.

1. Try actually saying the words, "I want to have a threesome." Mihalko said a lot of threesomes never happen or are otherwise derailed because everyone is either too polite or too timid to actually voice the fact that they'd like to have a threesome. His advice is to talk and be honest and open with what you want, just like you would be in any relationship scenario, instead of dallying around and awkwardly suggesting the three of you just "hop in the hot tub or something!"

2. And then once you suggest something, actually DO that thing. Another thing that can derail a threesome before it ever gets started is that someone finally says, "I think we should do this," and then nobody moves. Mihalko said someone has to make the first move, so why not you?



3. Expect for there to be a bit of awkwardness, at least at the beginning. Yeah, you're in a situation where you're aiming to sexually please two other people, and hopefully get some pleasure out of it yourself. That's a lot of body parts and a lot of tentativeness! Mihalko said to just give it some time for everyone to hit their stride.



4. Be prepared to be the person who breaks the ice. Someone has to do it, and maybe (probably) that someone will be you. Mihalko actually had a good, tried-and-true tip for getting things moving when you hit the inevitable lull in the conversation, pre-threesome. If the three of you are in the room, say, "I have an idea!" and then suggest what you'd like someone to do to you. Mihalko said it's an icebreaker with psychological evidence to work — people are more likely to be receptive to concrete directions that involve giving, like, "I want you to kiss me while they watch."

5. Don't endlessly delay the threesome once you've agreed you want to have a threesome. Mihalko said he's literally been in a threesome situation where they ran out of wine, someone left to get more, and then guess what? The threesome never happened. Hitting a point where whatever activity you were doing has come to an end is a good sign, he advised, to start having the actual threesome. Putting it off and putting it off will probably only ensure it never happens.

6. Expand your definition of what a threesome can actually be. Mihalko referred to this as "adding crayons to your threesome crayon box." Or, in other words, have multiple nuanced ideas of what constitutes sex with two other people. He suggested trying things like getting in the shower and making out with each other. Not penetrative sex — but it is sexual, and it is three people.

7. Don't wait around for some magical, organic threesome situation to arise. You know how in porn or in ~raunchier~ movies, it always seems that three incredibly hot people suddenly find themselves in a secluded hot tub at night, and then all of a sudden they're all having sex with each other? Mihalko said this obviously doesn't really happen in real life, or maybe it does, but only to like celebs or something. Don't hesitate to put this puppy on the calendar. Talking about the threesome you want to have out loud won't ruin it, it'll only help ensure this thing you want to happen will actually happen.

8. If you feel weird or bad talking to someone about a threesome, you probably shouldn't have that threesome. So let's say you're in the planning stages of this threesome but feel very weird or frustrated talking about it, or the people you're planning with are jusT refusing to talk about it. Mihalko said he's been in this situation before, and it almost always means the entire ordeal is going to be a headache that should just be avoided. If you can't talk about sex with someone, how can you expect to be able to have sex with them?



9. Under no circumstances should you have expectations for this thing to look the way it does in porn. When Mihalko made this point, someone near me in the back row of the conference room actually yelled out, "oh HELL no!" So maybe commit this one to memory: IRL threesomes are not going to look like porn threesomes. Things are gonna get a little weird, strange sounds might happen, but whatever! You're not on a porn set — this is real human sex. Embrace it and just maybe don't tape yourselves.

10. Have a fun threesome gimmick on hand for if/when things get weird or stale. Feel free to borrow Mihalko's, which is literally to just yell, "SWITCH" in the middle of things so that everyone has to change partners right away. Sounds silly but this is a pretty good tactic for keeping things fresh and fun.

11. Take your own threesome desires seriously. Which is just a nicer way of saying, if a threesome is something you really want to happen, think hard about being in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't want to have threesomes. Your sexuality and sexual wants aren't frivolous! We date equally open-minded people when it comes to things like politics and social issues, so why not do the same for sex?

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Hannah Smothers Hannah writes about health, sex, and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram

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