PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile patch of slick tile managed to get so close to President Carter, but upon identifying the wet spot that caused him to fall, we immediately began shooting,” said agent Joseph Pena, who according to federal officials put his own safety on the line, heroically throwing himself atop what appeared to be a juice spill to prevent it from doing any more harm to the 95-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner. “In the heat of the altercation, there were unfortunately some casualties, with an innocent table lamp lost after taking friendly fire. We are proud to report, however, that the tile that wounded President Carter has been permanently neutralized and no longer poses any danger.” In response to the incident, the Secret Service has reportedly added personnel to Carter’s security detail, assigning separate agents to individually patrol every surface of the former president’s home.

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