The city of Lexington announced that it will, once again, be starting its research into the best place to put another mall near the intersection of Man O’ War and Nicholasville Road. This week The Summit At Fritz Farm celebrated its fourth Grand Opening event in the last two months, officially letting the city know the dust has settled on city’s newest grand shopping center. The city has decided that now that the Summit is now only awaiting the opening of 60% of their stores, it’s time to start exploring ways to add yet another shopping center where middle-aged white people could get confused by the sudden appearance of turn lanes, thus creating slow moving traffic anytime more than twenty cars are at the same intersection.

“As far as I’m concerned, that corner of Man O’ War and Nicholasville has four corners and we’ve only got shopping centers on two of them. We’ll have to put a team on it but it seems like there’s a couple of early contenders right there,” civil engineer and traffic enthusiast Tony Madden told us. “I can only imagine the gridlock,” Madden continued as he looked into the distance, a grin creeping across his face.

The city responded to citizens, who were rightfully concerned they would not be able to get from one Whole Foods to the other Whole Foods easily, with the promise of mall-to-mall access roads using formerly underutilized residential streets. The unveiling of this plan is part of the city’s larger initiative to ensure that no one living near Clays Mill or Reynolds Road would ever be more than 600 feet from a shopping center.

Madden ended the press conference with, “Look if y’all wanna live in a two Target town, you’d better move on up to Newport!”