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Fact: Everyone on the Internet steals music. We should know, we're members of the RIAA. We've been battling song thieves for years, and we're no closer to a solution now than we were when we had Lars Ulrich poking his head out of our zippers and testifying like a ventriloquist penis act. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and what better way is there to connect with the music-stealing gangs of the Internet than to become one of them?

It's like when Jesus associated himself with murderers and prostitutes and Jews. He did that because the innocent, God-fearing people of the world didn't need to be converted. Just the assholes did. So in stealing your song so blatantly and remorselessly, we, like Jesus, have associated ourselves with the worst of the Internet. We have waded into the scum-laden pond of sin, and we are baptizing the masses. Soon they will be converted into upstanding, music-buying children of Glee.

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"I don't even like any of these. I just feel guilty for all the music I stole in the past."

Look, we're not trying to sound holier than thou on this matter. We're just saying that we are Jesus. And we're just trying to cleanse the music-Jews of the world. Is that really so wrong? Don't be the devil in this story, Jonathan. Let us do our work in peace. The Lord's work.

Yes, we are selling our exact 100 percent ripoff of your music on iTunes, and yes, we will profit heavily from it. And no, we will not give you credit for it under any circumstance. But isn't this industry about sacrifice and sharing? Whatever happened to the times when a large, above-the-law production could steal music from an independent artist, make millions of dollars from that song, and then tell the original musician to go fuck himself without consequence?