Aston Villa have unveiled a 16 foot statue of Joleon Lescott outside the Trinity Road Stand at Villa Park. The stone sculpture will forever honour the defender’s lionhearted performances for The Villains.

Lerner

“Captain Fantastic,” owner Randy Lerner told Soccer on Sunday. “Joleon has been a leader on and off the pitch. Remember when Liverpool spanked us? Joleon was big-hearted enough to tweet fans a picture of his sports car, to cheer them up. He’d had an absolute ‘mare, but was still thinking of others.”

“A statue is the least we can do to thank Joleon,” added the American businessman. “I haven’t checked, but I’m pretty sure the fans love him. I’ve no idea why some idiot tried to cut the thing down with an angle grinder at 3:00 am. Typical drunken Brummie. They’re all like that, you know.”

McGregor

Lescott’s statue has taken pride of place alongside that of legendary club president William McGregor. The plaque on the base (see left) reads: Always Give Up. Don’t try, and the weight will lift off your shoulders.

“We wanted to capture Joleon’s spirit,” sculptor Joe Nugent told Soccer on Sunday. “No expense was spared. The penis alone took 4 weeks to carve. And it’s actually harder to sculpt a good pair of balls than a human face. Joleon kindly sat for us to make sure we got a decent likeness, genitals wise.”

Pleasure

“It was my pleasure,” Lescott told Soccer on Sunday. “If anyone else asked to sculpt me, I’d charge them a fortune. But Villa is in my blood. All I asked was a hundred large up front, and 5 Gs for every year the statue stays standing.”

“I was thinking of donating 10% to a local charity,” he added, “but who has the time?”