God, the tables really have turned, haven’t they?

For once, Clara’s the one worried about me. And I’m the one locked away in my room, crying all the time and lying again and again about what’s wrong. I’ve got her convinced this is about Elliot… And I feel awful hiding the truth from her, I really do. But what else could I possibly say?

It’s just so bad… I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in my entire life.

Even Laura asked if I was okay at rehearsal last night. That’s how bad it is. And you know what I wanted to tell her? That I’m not okay. At all.

I ruined everything. I messed everything up so bad… And I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix it.

I emailed the University director yesterday. I quit my job at the library. And I know it probably wasn’t great of me to go over Mark’s head like that… But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk to him.

Guess I’m too much of a coward.

I can never look at Mark again after what happened. I know I can’t.

But even if I’m not looking, that doesn’t mean I don’t see him. I see him all the time… I can’t get him off of my mind, no matter how hard I try. I just keep thinking back on the past few months, trying to figure it all out. Was it really all in my head?

All this time, I was sure he felt it too. He never said anything, obviously, but… The way he smiled. The way he looked at me. Did it really mean nothing?

It’s just not fair. After all these years, I finally found it. I finally figured out what it means to really love someone…

I just always assumed he’d love me too.