I don’t deserve to be forgiven for this one. Today I was on a mission to create vegan “raw” “oysters”on the half “shell” because the recipe does not exist and I quite frankly nailed it. The terrifying recipe I’ve concocted is three parts (edible shell, oyster, and two sauce toppings). You can use store bought crackers but I made these recipes all as simple as possible just for you. My boyfriend was asleep the whole time I was absolutely destroying the kitchen creating this nonsense. Sorry my dude. 😘 Enjoy!





EDIBLE OYSTER SHELLS





1 1/2 cups flour

2 tsp of herbs. I don’t care what you use but I used 1 tsp of basil and 1 tsp thyme)

2 tbsp olive oil

1 tsp ground black pepper

1 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar

1/2 cup cold water





•Preheat oven to 450.

•Combine all dry ingredients and olive oil in food processor. You can do this by hand too but I was really vibing with the food processor while making this.

•Slowly add water til it forms a relatively sticky, yet moldable dough.

•If you don’t know how grotesque oyster shells look, perform a quick Google search so you know how imprecise you need to be here. Make flat, sloppy ovals that look like the images you just saw on Google or in your own mind from memory of when you ate living sea creatures or took trips to aquariums, weird aquariums with oysters as an exhibit.

•Bake in 5 minute increments til hard. I flipped them after 10 min and cooked another 5. They were dark around the edges but still light in the middles, but hard.





*Makes about 12-15 crackers because I started them smaller and ended up making bigger ones towards the end. I ended up with 15 but if they were all the larger size I’d have less. You get it.





OYSTERS





2 sheets seaweed

1 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp salt





1 tbsp lemon juice

1 tbsp tapioca starch

1 cup water

1 tbsp agar

2 tbsp corn starch





•Throw seaweed, garlic powder, and salt into food processor. Process.

•Add all ingredients to bowl and mix or process a little til it’s all combined.

•Heat in a saucepan on med-high heat til it starts getting thick.

•Plop tsps of the goop into parchment paper. Chill. I set it outside for like 5-10 min because it didn’t fit in the fridge. Should become like a gelatin blop. Will look repulsive and black-green from the seaweed. Once you’re thoroughly repulsed, keep going. You’re almost there.





*While this is chilling on the deck outside, make two very easy sauces please. Or just make one. They work well together but hold their own just fine too as they each have their own respected zing.





VERY EASY SAUCE 1:





2 tbsp ketchup

1 tbsp lemon juice

1 tbsp hot sauce

1 tsp soy sauce

1/2 tsp garlic powder





VERY EASY SAUCE 2:





2 tbsp white wine vinegar

2 heaping tbsp minced onion

2 heaping tbsp minced cucumber (about 1/6th peeled cucumber)





Plop an oyster on a cracker shell and top with sauces! You can slurp these like a regular raw oyster ritual and just eat the shells after, or you can bite into these pretty thick and hard cracker shells and cleanly and easily bite thru the oysters if you want to enjoy them together. That was my preferred method but they were shockingly good with slurp method. Yay we survived this, I think.