My dear galleons, a few months back we chatted briefly about semen and the benefits of oral sex. We laughed, we learned- a good time was had by all.

But if you really thought that was my last foray into the realm of semen, you don’t know me very well at all.

Today, we’re going to look at the stranger side of spunk.

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1. Hair Products

There are some truly strange ingredients in cosmetics and beauty products (i.e. ambergris, fish scales, chicken bone marrow, crushed beetles, and my personal favorite, cells from the foreskins of newborns… oh, excuse me, human fibroblast conditioned media). So it probably shouldn’t come as a great surprise that someone decided slathering spooge on one’s head could be a great conditioner.

In Knightsbridge, London, Hari Salem has created an intensive, 45-minute conditioning system revolving around the use of bull semen. Salem combines the bull semen with the root of the Iranian katera plant to neutralize the odor. The hairdresser massages the mixture into the client’s hair after a shampooing, then the client is placed under a steamer (to allow the treatment to better penetrate the hair), and finally, the hair is blow-dried.

Supposedly, “it leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick.”

Salem settled on bull semen after trying a multitude of other things (like wild New Zealand avocados and truffle oil). He gravitated toward semen and katera root because of the high protein content of both.

“I have been searching for an organic product with a lot of protein because that is what hair is made of and lacks when it is dry,” Salem said. “All the best treatments are protein based. Synthetic treatments are good but they are heavy if you have fine hair and can make it look greasy.”

Apparently, bull semen is the non-greasy answer to your hair conditioning problems. As someone with fine hair, I’ll have to remember that.

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2. Facial Cream

You had to know this was coming. After all, how long have frat boys and Cosmo been touting that semen is good for the skin?

And while the jury’s still out on that, cosmetics companies have decided to just roll with it. The Norwegian company Skinscience, as well as the Townhouse Spa in NYC, have started using spermine in their products.

What exactly is spermine? Spermine is a growth factor formed from spermidine, another growth factor that uses autophagy to reduce aging in a variety of cell types. Essentially, spermidine breaks down non-vital cell components, releasing their nutrients and reappropriating said nutrients to the more vital cell regions.

Which does sound useful for companies creating anti-aging creams, though it’s not the autophagy that’s being lauded in spermine, but its antioxidant powers. Naturally. After all, slap “antioxidant” on a product and the public eats it right up, despite the fact that supplementing your natural antioxidant intake often has little impact on your overall health (and can, in some instances, actually be damaging).

However, when it comes to skin care, there is some truth to their claims. Vitamin E’s antioxidant powers prevent perioxidation of the lipid membrane (the oxidative degradation of the molecules that serve as key structural components of cell membranes). Keeping the cell membranes taut and strong helps fight wrinkling and sagging skin. So, in this instance, maybe not everything they’re saying is gross exaggeration.

Maybe.

Spermine is claimed to be 30 times stronger than vitamin E and able to repair sunburned skin (according to information Skinscience gathered after testing their products on 3,000 women… can you say information bias, anyone?).

Regardless of the veracity of their claims, the fact remains that spermine has become an essential ingredient for Skinscience and the Townhouse Spa. Skinscience’s products are said to delay aging by a whopping 20%. And Townhouse Spa actually offers spermine treatments, where clients are slathered in a spermine cream, after which ultrasound and infrared light are used to help the product penetrate the lipid barrier.

You know, really work that in there.

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3. Invisible Ink

Count on British intelligence to come up with something like this.

On June 15, 1915, the deputy head of military intelligence at GHQ France, Walter Kirke, wrote in his diary (Do men call it a diary, or do they prefer the more masculine ‘journal’?) that Mansfield Cumming (called ‘C’ in the diary), the first chief of the SIS, was “making enquiries for invisible inks at the London University”.

A few months later, he wrote that C had passed along the information that “the best invisible ink is semen.”

Seriously?

Apparently, what made semen such an attractive method of passing secret messages about was not just its ease of acquisition, but that it did not react to the main methods of detection (like iodine vapor).

Frank Stagg, a member of staff who knew C, said that “we thought we had solved a great problem.”

Of course, I’m not the only person in the world with a puerile sense of humor, and the agent who had discovered this novel use of semen actually had to be moved from his department after becoming the butt of jokes.

And the semen encryption method wasn’t without its own obstacles. Agents had to be reminded to use only fresh supplies of the ‘ink’ when correspondents began noticing an unusual smell coming from the missives.

I’m sure gathering a fresh supply was very difficult for them…

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4. Shots!

And now to New Zealand for their version of a Jägerbomb.

Featuring horse semen.

Created by racehorse breeder Lindsay Kerslake, the horse semen shot was supposed to be added to the menu of the annual Wildfoods Festival in the town of Hokitika.

It was advised that the ‘milkshake-tasting’ shot be chased with an energy drink.

According to Kerslake, anyone who pounded this particular shot would be granted “as much zizz as a stallion for a week.”

Let’s hope the folks who created Four Loko don’t get any ideas…

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5. Cooking

As per usual, I’ve saved my favorite for last. So now I present to you the thing that started this whole post:

The semen cookbook.

This is no joke. For $24.95, you too can own Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based Recipes.

Recipes include the Almost White Russian:

2 oz Vodka

1 oz Coffee liqueur

1/2 oz semen

cream or milk

ice cubes Pour vodka, semen and coffee liqueur over ice cubes and top up the glass with milk or cream.

Irish Coffee With Extra Cream, the High Protein Smoothie (which is, apparently, a ‘great drink to experiment with’), Slightly Saltier Caviar, Man Made Oysters:

Cleaned oyster shells

Chilled fresh semen, the more the better

Ice

Lemon and pepper garnish First clean the oyster shells in cold water. Do not use soap since the shell easily absorbs the nasty taste of soap. Spoon the chilled, fresh semen into each shell. Serve simply on ice with just a squeeze of fresh lemon and maybe a grind of black pepper. Chef’s note: A true semen connoisseur might forego the lemon and pepper in favor of the non-adulterated semen flavor.

Roasted Lamb with Good Gravy, Hollandaise Sauce, Cream Eclair, and Tiramisu Surprise.

According to the book’s introduction,

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist.

Honestly, I can’t tell if the book itself or the comments on it tickle me more:

The satisfaction I get out of seeing my Sweet Semen Relish dribble down my mother’s chin at a backyard BBQ after shes munched a hot foot long is itself worth the price.

The triple chocolate semen cheesecake really is an orgasm in my mouth!

For a richer flavor try semen from geriatrics.

The inclusion of semen into these foods is that secret ingredient that turns a good meal into a great meal; it adds that tangy zip of pecker spit.

Who doesn’t want to eat more natural foods?

This should make a good gift for Easter, which happens to be right around the corner. Nothing says “rebirth” like a book full of semen recipes.

think of it like a victory garden… in your pants!!

If I were the entertaining type (which I’m not), I would buy this book and leave it on my coffee table… just to watch the horrified reactions of my guests as they flipped through the pages while delicately nibbling hors d’oeuvres.

Anyone interested in attending a dinner party? *wicked grin*