In an unsettling story out of New York City, Ruby Lauder reportedly attempted to comfort her 35-year-old single friend Linda Stewart by citing her own crappy relationship as the primary reason why Linda shouldn’t lose hope.

“I don’t really want a relationship if it means I have to settle for what they have,” said Linda. “If a good relationship means meal planning and having weekly sex dates, I’d rather be alone forever.”

Ruby, and her girlfriend Gloria DelMonico, both long-time friends of Linda, are confident in claiming that their milquetoast union is a justification for Linda not giving up on love.

“You still have time to meet someone who loves board game night as much as we do!” Ruby reassured Linda. “Or trips to Disney World. Or visiting our parents on the weekends!”

Oblivious, the couple continued to rattle off all of the reasons Linda should continue trudging through the barren wasteland of dating apps and excruciating first dates in order to maybe capture what they sincerely believe to be the “lightning in the bottle” of their below-average union.

“I used to think that I would give anything to find The One, said Linda. “But after three years of witnessing Gloria being openly passive aggressive to Ruby about what she’s choosing to order at our monthly friend dinners, I think I’m okay spending more time with me.”

Ruby and Gloria have misinterpreted Linda’s new Zen attitude towards dating as being proof their relationship is healthy and thriving.

“Sometimes, you just need to surround yourself with good love role models in order to attract the right kind of love into your life,” said Gloria. “I hope we rub off on her.”

However, realizing that her friends are trapped in a dying relationship has just given Linda a surprising boost of optimism.

“At least I’m not that, you know?” she said. “At least I don’t get genuinely excited about collecting Disney pins.”