ME: Hello, is that God?

GOD: Yup. You called, I answered.

ME: My neighbor’s dog keeps pooping on my front lawn when I’m not looking. My neighbor refuses to remove the poop saying it wasn’t his dog. Could you make the dog die from natural causes, say from a heart attack?

GOD: Nope.

ME: Whaddya mean, “Nope” ?? What’s the problem? Scared of the dog?

GOD: It’s like this… next week I’ve got a burglar scheduled to burgle your house at 11 PM. The burglar’s going to steal your stereo, and on the way out he’s going to sneak through that neighbor’s garden. As he does so, said dog is going to give him chase, causing him to drop the stereo on your neighbor’s lawn and run.

ME: So now I’ve got poop on my lawn and my stereo on my neighbor’s lawn, I love it.

GOD: Wait. Your neighbor will like to stop intruders running across his lawn in the middle of the night, so he’ll fence his property (that’ll also stop his dog from accessing your lawn) and hand your stereo back to you. The next morning you’ll turn it on and find it doesn’t work. You’ll take it to Charlie’s Electronic Repair down at the corner of 5th and Main. Charlie’ll say it’ll cost $17 to fix it. You’ll bargain him down to $15 and he’ll tell you to pick it up the next day.

ME: Thanks a lot God, you just cost me $15. I appreciate it…

GOD: Hang with me here. Charlie will need that $15 to buy his son Jake a new baseball shirt for the Little League game the next Wednesday. I’ve scheduled Jake to be the Yankees’ star pitcher after 12 years, so I have to make sure he sails through the Little League. I’m responsible for Jake’s welfare, you see…

ME: Glad you’re looking out for him, God. And thanks for neglecting me, you’re terrific…

GOD: Hold it, buddy. You’re going to place a $500 bet on Jake after 12 years and it’s going to win you $5,500 in cold cash.

ME: So everyone comes out winning in the end… except for one thing.

GOD: What’s that?

ME: I still have that last installment of poop on my lawn.

GOD: Inanimate as your lawn may be, I am nevertheless responsible for it. That spot needs manure badly, so that the poop needs to be there.

ME: But that’s unacceptable!

GOD: Thank you for your call, please don’t hesitate to call again, I’m available 24/7.