Dear Internet, I love you and I want to have your baby. Just when I think I’ve seen everything you have to offer, you show me more. I am eternally grateful and completely in awe of your awesomeness. The other day, I was surfing Yahoo! Answers (what can I say, I was bored) and I started to notice some strange questions being asked about Asians. Here’s an example of one such question:

“Can Asians fly?”

Naturally, I assumed it was a joke until I saw the same question being asked over and over by different people from all over the globe. And there were others, lots of others. Some made me shake my head. Some made my head hurt. Others made me cringe. Some were even asked by Asian or Asian Americans.

My duty as an “investigative” writer on 8Asians is to go to places that you should not. So as a public service, I have culled my top 10 questions being asked on Yahoo Questions that start with the phrase: “Can Asians…”

#10: Can Asian people squint their eyes with out completely closing their eyes? (Similar questions: Can Asian people, Chinese, Japanese, be blind? and Can asians wear contacts?)

My answer: No. You forget that we are actually aliens (from another planet). On our home planet there is no need to squint because there is no dust. Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): excuse me, i’m asian. yea we can squint without closing our eyes. you’ve got a lot of nerve asking that

#9: Can asians yodel???????? k, so i want to learn how to yodel…but the problem is im asian and i have never seen an asian yodel before…so is it even possible for me to yodel?

My answer: No. Next question. Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): This is a pending question so there is no best answer as of October 4, 2011.

#8: Can Asians sleep with one eye open, like ducks?

My answer: Actually, we are ducks. We can fly, we quack, and we lay eggs. Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): More importantly, can they open their eyes at all? (Writer’s note: If yo’ure going to be funny and racist, try to be at least funny.)

#7: Can Asian males actually produce some sort of semen or sperm whatsoever? Question rephrased (for people that are “slow”): Can Asian guys produce sperm? I think not, but what do you think? (This question is not a joke, by the way)

My answer: Not sure if I should be offended or if I should laugh. Either way, I’m worried about the fate of our world with people like this walking around. Where is natural selection when you need it? Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): We’re more fertile than you. LOL We got you beat 8:1 as far as population goes. Statistics has shown that American men’s sperm count is decreasing. This is not a joke by the way.

#6: Can asians really time-travel? my dad says i can’t talk to them unless i find out for sure

My answer: Your dad is a very wise man. Because if you’re not careful, I could go back in time, fall out of a tree and have your grandfather hit me with his car. Your mother would nurse me back to health, take me to the prom and then you would never be born! (That was a Back to the Future joke, for you youngsters.) Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions):No not all, just Hiro, and he’s Japanese.

#5: Can Asians Fly? (A similar question is: Can Chinese Fly?)

My answer: Yes, but only Asians from Asia can do it. Asian Americans have lost the ability to do so. Something about American food. Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): lol no, but they did used to tie rocks on their ankles and tied heavier and heavier ones as they grew. so they were able to jump very high, but that was a loooong time ago. what u see in the movies r of course an exaggeration. i mean ppl could jump onto buildings back then but they didnt have 2 story houses.

#4: Can Asians breathe under water? My friend said they could and said how they can in Harry Potter. There was another question like this once, but it got deleted, so I really need an answer.

My answer: No. Unless you are very high and have good stuff. Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): Excuse me, but Asians are humans. If a human like Asians could breathe underwater, so could humans who weren’t Asian. And about Harry Potter, that is a fictional WIZARDING world – it’s got what we call MAGIC and WITCHCRAFT. Dumbledore placed a spell upon not just the Asian (Cho) in the book and movie, but on Gabrielle Delacour, Ron and Hermoine. The spell allowed them to sleep (or remain unconcsious) underwater for one hour. When the hour is up, Cho, Gabrielle, Ron and Hermoine would wake up and come to the surface of the water, or something along those lines. However, Harry believed that after the hour they would have drowned, he didn’t know =] So, no, Asians can’t breathe underwater, they are human like the rest of us, and we are not magical.. But I wish we were he he 😀

#3: Can Asians read minds? I know many people say no but i just have this WEIRD feeling that they can. (A similar question is: Can asian kids really communicate telepathically?)

My answer: This was supposed to be a secret. Why do you think we’re so good at math? Because we can read the teacher’s minds of course! Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): This is a pending question so there is no best answer as of October 4, 2011.

#2: Can asians collapse their bones? Today my science teacher told the Class how Asians are the only humans that collapse their bones due to evolution, he said that they can slip under doors like a rat. Im in 11th grade, and i don’t think what he taught us was true, i have never met a real asian, so i wouldn’t know. But i was wondering if anyone knew??

My answer: WTF? Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions): There was no best answer to this question. It is still unresolved.

#1: Why is my brother asian? I’m 16 and he is 14, both our parents are white, I’m white, and he is like half Asian? I’m confused, can Asian children just randomly happen?

My answer: hmm… okay, I know that the question doesn’t begin with “Can Asians…” but this is classic. I would like to meet this child and sell him something. Maybe a space ship or a unicorn. Hell, both! Best answer (at least according to Yahoo Questions):ask the mailman

The sad thing is that there are more. Way more. Check out part 2!