What my Mom taught me. All the things my mother taught me:



My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"



My mother taught me RELIGION -

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."



My mother taught me FORESIGHT -

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



My mother taught me IRONY -

"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."



My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"



My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -

"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"



My mother taught me about STAMINA -

"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."



My mother taught me about WEATHER -

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."



My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"



My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"



My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."



My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -

Stop acting like your father!"



My mother taught me about ENVY -

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"