For example, the real estate agent who sold our previous house — a delightful person, but not one I’d developed a close personal relationship with — sent her usual listings with an additional sweet missive: “I am here for you.”

While she would not be holding public showings of homes, she said, private visits were available, with “extra precautions.” Reassuringly, she assured me, “I will remain strategic and steadfast,” which was somewhat mystifying but very nice.

Soon, almost every email I received opened with a new salutation, something along the lines of “I hope this finds you safe and well” before getting down to the pitch. Justin Boots, the cowboy footwear company that was swallowed up by Berkshire Hathaway, promised: “The Stampede Collection offers classic western boots that are crafted to get you through anything and everything, including the uncertain times we’re facing today,” as if one of the features of the Jackson Roper was some kind of personal protective equipment.

“You can stomp on the viruses,” my wife said. “Just squish ‘em!”

Yes, these are stressful times. Many of these people are just doing their best, trying to keep their heads above water and struggling to find anything at all to say that conveys the fact that they know something awful is going on, while practically begging: Please baby please, We’re Still Out Here. Please Buy Something.

Don’t get me wrong. I am warm and sympathetic, too. And I would really appreciate it if you would laugh, just a little, at my jokes. I can already hear people saying, “Too soon!” All I can say is, I’ll keep things sparkling clean for you.