Clinton and Trump in Woods

Game camera footage of the two suspected clowns stumbling through the woods.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

A pair of well-dressed clowns have been lurking in towns across America. Sometimes appearing in the woods, but mostly on social media and television, the clowns are believed to be luring unsuspecting adults into the ballot box.

Sightings began in Iowa and New Hampshire earlier this year and have spread to every state in America since. Officials warn that these clowns are as dangerous as they look, and they may even be bribing adults to gain their trust.

"We've received reports that the clown wearing orange makeup is promising potential victims that he'll build them a wall for free. A 'huge' wall, to be exact," explained Ned Ware, an investigator with the Bremer County Sheriff's Department in Iowa. "Regardless of what he tells you, do not come within arm's reach of this clown. His tiny hands have tremendous grip."

The other clown, seen exclusively in incredibly expensive pantsuits, also made promises to unsuspecting voting-age adults. Recordings show the mysterious figure offering free college and a higher minimum wage to all Americans. To complicate matters, this particular clown may be multiplying.

"It's only a theory, but we believe there may be two identical clowns running around here," stated Ware. "It's almost like there's a body double. I don't have any proof, but I read it on Facebook so it must be true."

Despite multiple warnings, millions of Americans are believed to have already been lured in by the clowns. Jennifer Stanfield, a registered voter in Dothan said being abducted by these particular clowns was not her first choice. Or second or third or fourth.

"I don't like either one of them. But the orange-faced clown seems slightly less scary," stated Stanfield. "I just wish there were a better process to pick which clown we want to spend the next four years trapped in the woods with."

If you find yourself lured into the woods by a clown, officials suggest asking the orange-faced clown for his tax returns. If the other clown captures you, expect to disappear faster than a classified email on a private server.

Until these two (or three) clowns end their tour across America, officials are warning everyone to remain calm, be aware of their surroundings, and stop being distracted by which NFL player isn't standing for the national anthem.



[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]