— Dan Patrick, lieutenant governor of Texas

“We have to go back to work much sooner than people thought.”

— President Trump, who wants the country “up and raring to go by Easter”

YOUR COUNTRY STOCK MARKET NEEDS YOU! IS ASKING YOU TO GIVE YOURSELF, NEEDLESSLY AND TO NO ULTIMATE LONG-TERM BENEFIT!

Brave boomers, hardy millennials, Gen X, Gen Z, rise to the call! Will you make the ultimate sacrifice so that Donald Trump’s chain hotels will not have to remain closed for more than 14 days? Will you lay down your precious life, against expert medical advice, for literally no reason at all?

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No death is too unnecessary, no gain too small.

Ask yourself whether your so-called reason for not volunteering your life in the hope that Donald Trump’s branded properties will not lose another day’s income is not instead a selfish excuse! Is your not getting to share the world with your grandchildren so great a prize that Donald Trump should be forced to be marginally worse off for a brief time? Think of all the money he has given up already to be president, which, he assured us, is LOTS — even when you remember what he gained back through emoluments!

Dare you not requite his sacrifice with all you have to give? This is rude and selfish of you, to say that your life is worth more than someone’s money. And I am not speaking of the money of people who need to go to work to feed their families, who are being devastated by this, who might be helped with a spreading of the social safety net. I am speaking of something greater. I am speaking of the stocks!

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We have the ability to support the individuals and businesses who would suffer from a shutdown of the length medically necessary to stem the virus, but why bother? When instead we can toss aside precious, irreplaceable human beings? Now is not the time for sensible measures. Think about what a good idea World War I was! Think of the stirring music and the posters! Is now any less the time for a senseless, massive loss of human life that will ultimately devastate the country far more than a failure to return to work for the months required? We cannot put a price on what will be lost — so how much could it possibly be worth?

Doctors, why do you hesitate to fling in your lot? Is the single mask you have been issued not sufficient? Do you not know that there is MONEY somewhere, dwindling? I would suggest that you plaster dollar bills to your face, but they are all needed to bolster the Businessmen in this difficult time. Yes, you have a family, but is the family LEGAL TENDER? Then why do you fear that you might never see it again?

What joy are people? What is so precious in being alive, a human being with the ability to experience this maddening and brilliant world, when you know that somewhere, the Dow is going down instead of up? The chance to make it go up instead of down — even for a flicker of a moment — is that not worth everything? What makes life worth living? I am pretty sure it is not “possessing any connection whatsoever to other human beings”; or else the president has been doing it very wrong.

Here is your chance to serve! And there is still a place in the line for the people who did not ask to be volunteered — but you must help them! You can sacrifice them, too, by your decision, because this disease conveniently does not understand who is stepping up and who is not.

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Just as we do not make any attempt to regulate traffic so that people do not perish needlessly in car accidents, just as when buildings are aflame we do not keep people from congregating inside them, so, too, must we now rush back to normalcy, at an unthinkable cost, to no purpose whatsoever.

We’ll have the country open by Easter! Think what more glorious fate there could possibly be than to die for nothing at all!