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There’s been much tittering hereabouts this week over a hilariously uninformed article in the New York Times about the “awakening” of the Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood.

The article — you can read it by clicking here— refers to the Market as having been “notoriously sleepy,” when in fact it is probably Ottawa’s least-sleepy neighbourhood, and has for years been full of nationally acclaimed gourmet restaurants, trendy boutiques, art galleries and so many clubs that a city councillor waged a campaign to limit their numbers and discourage the swarms of late-night rowdies. The New York Times mentioned none of these places.

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The article, which was not labelled as satire, was written by Montreal’s Rose Maura Lorre, who self-describes on Twitter as (and I’m not making this up) “Writer, drinker, expat, big boobs. So basically, Hemingway.” Watch for Lorre’s upcoming novel, The Old Man and the C-train, and her travelogue of Paris, A Moveable Snack.

Let’s look ahead to Lorre’s report about a visit to New York City, home of the Times:

New York really is The City That Never Sleeps now that the notoriously sleepy neighbourhood known as Times Square is no longer sleeping, thanks to new and thrilling opportunities that make sleep all but impossible! The excitement formerly found there only on New Year’s Eve can now be enjoyed year-round, if the informed visitor knows where to find the juiciest bites in the Big Apple’s core. Here are a few do-not-miss highlights of the rejuvenated Times Square. Remember to wear your I (Heart) New York ball cap, so the locals will know you’re a tourist of distinction! Subway, 150 W 47th St. Yes, you’ve eaten at Subway back home, but in Times Square you can eat at Subway on the subway. Just squeeze onto the train, find yourself a seat and, while avoiding eye contact with other riders, enjoy your turkey club! Wines and Liquors, 762 Eighth Ave. Nothing makes that sub sandwich go down like a bottle of ripple and, like many of NYC’s finer wine shops, this handy outlet offers both kinds, red and white. Or perhaps you’d prefer a bottle of malt liquor for sidewalk refreshment. Remember to ask for a quart: no litres here! The Money Exchange, 720 Seventh Ave. The discerning traveller knows to never pay cash for some of Times Square’s shadier enjoyments (nudge nudge, wink wink), and this outlet has an impressive selection of fresh currencies. Note the special window designed by New York’s own Ralph Lauren, with platinum security bars and bulletproof plexiglass from Swarovski. Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, 1501 Broadway Times Square is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get, but you’ll have no trouble getting into this real restaurant that was first imagined in the movies. (Huh! How is that even possible?) Be sure to try the “Run Across America” platter, because nothing says vigorous exercise like chickens strips, hush puppies and fried shrimp with blue cheese sauce. Eat, Forrest, eat! Rite Aid, 301 W 50th St. Ate too many of the “Dumb Luck Coconut Shrimp” at Bubba’s? This exciting pharmacy has an unparalleled collection of antacids. When in New York you say to acid reflux, fuggedaboutit! Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, 234 W 42nd St. A collection of things that must be seen to be believed. One exhibit has authentic shrunken heads. Another has an albino giraffe. And then there’s the museum’s newest stupefying artifact, Rose Maura Lorre’s New York Times article about Ottawa’s ByWard Market! -30-