In retrospect, Friedlich suspects she set impossibly high ideals for herself - and her ex-partners - positioning herself so that having children was never going to be a possibility. "When I got to my late 30s it was either do or die: am I going to have children or am I not? It was a series of choices as life went on. I could have become pregnant and if I'd really wanted to, I would have. But I honestly didn't want to. The idea scared the hell out of me," she says. It's interesting to hear Friedlich's uncomplicated response to the topic. She says it wasn't something that weighed on her mind a great deal over the years, though she admits it was an issue for other people, including her ex-partner's mother who would often ask her when she was going to have a baby. So why does the subject of choosing not to have children attract debate - and sometimes judgement - from those who have chosen otherwise?

One school of thought, be it spoken or implied, is that women who make this choice are selfish, self-centred or incapable of self-sacrifi ce. "I don't resent the implication that I'm selfi sh," Friedlich says. "You could be seen as being selfi sh for having a large family. A lot of women have children for themselves and for their own needs. Perhaps it is a self-validation thing, 'This is what I've created'. And there's nothing wrong with that, but there is that divide and there always will be," she says. Carla Lipsig-Mumme is honorary professor of political and social inquiry at Monash University, and professor and director of labour studies at Canada's York University. Lipsig- Mumme believes that the labelling of women who are seen to be pursuing lifestyle over children is "very uniquely Australian" and says she has not encountered that attitude elsewhere in the world. She suggests this is linked to the philosophy of our workforce.

"The Australian labour market is relatively more brutal to women and part of it is a social ideology which says that women are most fulfi lled in becoming mothers, while paid work is somehow a derogation of duty. Sadly, you sometimes fi nd that catch-22 put out by women themselves," she says. Lipsig-Mumme also believes that if women are made to feel defensive about not having children, then one has to ask why they are not having them. "I would argue from what I know myself through my research that not having children in the Australian labour market is a bid to have a career," she says. "There is enormous pressure on women - and sometimes by women - for women to put their career second. By which I mean, if you break your career, if you get out of the labour market for period of time, if you go on to job sharing and things like that, over time you fall behind those who don't. Not just in terms of money but in terms of mobility and challenge." For Juddie Boyd, 36, who is married and studies full-time, having children has never been on her agenda. She and her husband have together made the decision to stay childless. Boyd says she fi nds it diffi cult to reconcile some of her values and views on certain issues with the idea of having children.

"I think my husband and I are both very loving and very caring," says Boyd. "I like our values. We're socially and environmentally aware and we consider issues external to our own little world. "Take the world's population and the pressure it causes on society and on the environment - the idea of bringing one more person into this mix to me doesn't make sense. I'm not saying other people shouldn't, but for me it is hard to reconcile." Boyd recites some of the commentary she has received in relation to her and her husband's decision and it ranges from envy, pity, presumption that she will change her mind and expressions of resentment. "I think a lot of people do want to convey that they feel it's very selfish. My response is that there are a lot of things that I want to do with my my life, and having kids hasn't been on that list," she says. "I think the decision to have children is also a selfi sh decision.

People do it because they want to have that in their life. But people often imply that it's a negative thing if you choose not to have kids. I try to explain that it's not a criticism of other people. It's really just that it wouldn't be right to have kids for the wrong reasons, or because everyone expects you to." The schoolchildren Marni Baxter* teaches adore her as much as she adores them, although she is too diplomatic to take the compliment. But she acknowledges that as a secondary- school teacher she is in her element. Baxter, 26, is also gay and says the idea of having her own children has always been an "abstract thing". "For someone in my situation having children doesn't happen accidentally," she says. "The choice about having children requires a lot of thought and planning and processing. There are a lot of ethical issues but also on a general scale I don't feel any biological need to reproduce my genes. "I've pretty much always felt this way, but as girls we're told we're supposed to by the media and by society at large and it never really felt right with me. I don't mind the idea of being 'the aunty' or 'the babysitter'. I love being a teacher. I adore children, but I don't necessarily see that I need to reproduce children to enjoy them. There are other options for me beyond that."

Familiar with the statement, "But you would make such a great mother", Baxter finds herself replying to those who say it: "Yes, and I make a great teacher and I probably would make a great astronaut if I put my mind to it. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that that is my choice." "I can't imagine what it is to be a mother," says Baxter. "I have the utmost respect for parents, I think it would be the hardest job in the world. But I think there are more things in life to pursue and there are different options. It's an individual choice." * Name has been changed.