In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the GOP announced with fake trepidation that it was cool with dudes marrying dudes. And for that matter, chicks marrying chicks.

It’s not because all the closeted homosexuals in the Republican party got tired of living double lives or being hypocrites. Nah, the whole thing came down to money and power. From that article in the Times:

The other reason, members of both parties said, is that the argument over gay marriage seems beside the point at a time when the country is facing a severe economic crisis, remains on edge for another domestic terrorist attack and has just inaugurated its first black president.

Of course it seems beside the point to the Dems; they’re winning! As for the GOP — that’s right, your civil rights are less important than money!

Ah, we exaggerate. Not about the money and power angle. No! That’s legit. We mean the gays marrying thing. It’s not so much that the GOP likes gay marriage. They’ve just realized that their party base is dying — literally — and that younger people generally don’t give a shit about who does what to whom in the privacy of his and his own home.

Here’s the bury-the-we-no-longer-hate-gays-because-it-suits-us-monetarily strategy: The GOP tells its constituents that a scary black man is going to take their money. (And scary black men taking money are far less scary than this gay guy.) Then, the GOP quietly lets outrage in its party over tacit approval of gay marriage die with all the old people who hate the gays, or think that two men getting it on threatens the fabric of the American family or some shit. (They’re busy protesting over not having money they never had.) Then, they draw everyone back when Obama fails. And then — BANG! — Charlie Crist (secretly gay) secures the Republican nomination in 2012.

It’s so crazy, it just might work!