Dear Students and Prospective Students of Saint Louis University:

Due to recent changes in the university’s policy on sexual conduct between students, all sexual activity involving male students, and prospective male students is officially classified by the school as sexual assault. All sexual encounters between complimentary-sexed students attending SLU will be treated by the administration as sexual assault, independent of standard interpretations of state and federal law.

This policy will be selectively enforced in all cases, including where sexual activity has not occurred, but is merely alleged to have occurred. Exceptions to the interpretation of all sexual activity as assault will be made solely in cases where female students actively initiate sexual contact at every stage of a sexual encounter, and where male participants remain entirely passive throughout, routinely asking for permission to continue being aroused at intervals of no longer than 4 minutes.

Male students or prospective students may also be subject to academic sanction by the school in cases where they are non-participant to sex, or not attending the school, or not in the country, depending on anonymous accusation.

It is therefore the implied recommendation of the school’s administration and faculty that male students do not attend Saint Louis University, nor have any contact of any kind with female students or prospective female students – since any such contact may be deemed rape by the school’s administration.

This is not satire, and thank you for your kind attention.

SLU’s sexual assault policy defines sexual assault and consent in the following terms:

Annotations by the editorial board of AVfM are highlighted.

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What is sexual assault?

“Sexual assault” refers to engaging in any form of sexual contact or conduct with another without that person’s clear, knowing, and voluntary consent.

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Unfortunately, for the interface between SLU’s policy and the real world, “knowing voluntary consent” doesn’t exist. Sex in the real world is a dance of instincts, high emotions, hormonally driven behavior, and half unaware cultural ritual.

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It is the responsibility of the person seeking to initiate sexual contact or conduct to affirmatively obtain such consent.

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Male students intent on pursuing sexual relations with classmates can obtain “permission to initiate sexual contact form: 31a.2.4” at the student union building between 8:00 am and 2:00 pm upon proof of payment of tuition and two forms of photo ID. Completed and signed consent forms should be submitted to the bursar’s office no later than 24 hours prior to initiation of sexual contact.

[/box] It is not the responsibility of the intended recipient of such sexual contact to affirmatively deny such consent.

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Obtained consent to sex from female participants may be retroactively re-interpreted post facto, this rendering previous consensual sexual encounters into rape after the event, at the discretion of the school administration, or anyone else.[/box]

What is consent?

“Consent” refers to explicit, verbal agreement to engage in, and continue to engage in, sexual activity.

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Since sex in the real world doesn’t work like this – sexual consent in the real world is always implied – all actually consensual sex occurring within school demesnes is definitionally sexual assault under these guidelines.

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Consent is affirmative and freely given (e.g., saying “yes”).

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Consent may also be signalled by notarized letter, or by both parties completing the school’s “permission to initiate sexual contact form: 31a.2.4” which can be obtained at the student union building between 8:am and 2:pm Monday though Thursday

[/box] Consent may be withdrawn at any time.

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Consent may be withdrawn at any time, including afterwards, the next day, or weeks later, resulting in life altering actions against you.

[/box] Valid consent cannot be obtained from a person whose ability to make a decision is substantially impaired by alcohol, drugs or other intoxicants

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Any sex following the consumption of alcohol by a female is automatically rape, at the discretion of the school’s administration, or any female faculty or student. Male students seduced by females while said male students are under the influence of any intoxicant will remain liable and culpable for all voluntary actions taken, no matter how impaired.

[/box] or by mental or physical condition;

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The condition of sexual arousal of female students participating in sex qualifying as physical condition rendering given consent to sex void. Additionally, being alive, mammalian, and bipedal also being qualifying physical conditions negating any stated consent, and thereby rendering consensual sex as rape.

[/box] who is unaware that the sexual activity is being committed (e.g., asleep or passed out); or who is compelled or coerced to grant consent by force, threat of force, deception,

[box type=”note” icon=”none”](Female sexual participants lying about birth control, or the identity of the person who impregnates them, are exempt from this clause, and any other elements of this policy that affect female sexual misconduct.)[/box]