Hey everyone, take a seat. Let’s try to make this meeting as short as possible. As many of you know, we’ve had a great few weeks. Melania Trump was seen sporting a jacket with a message specifically for us. Apparently, after watching her husband interact with us for the last 2 years, she’s finally wisened up to our tricks, and her jacket says the same.

Views on Fake News™ pieces are up 72% thanks to Trump’s tweets, and we couldn’t be happier. Our latest piece on how Trump could end the family separation policy with one phone call got over 10 million shares — 9.9 million promulgated by “fools”, and the other 100,000 from bots. Our follow-up piece defining the word “promulgate” for Trump supporters brought in an additional 6 million clicks.

I’m going to need everyone to put in longer hours this week. We’re way understaffed because all our reporters are at the White House Press Briefings. Believe it or not, almost 100% of the reporters there work for the Fake News™. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is now only letting our people in, with one chair reserved for FOX News. FOX mostly doesn’t send anybody, though, because they consider research to be unnecessary bureaucratic overhead. Still, having all our writers gone will add to all our workloads here at headquarters, but it’s a real privilege to know that anytime we ask a question, Trump will credit the Fake News™.

Oh — sorry- can I help you? You’re looking for The Witch Hunt™? Down the hall and to the left.

What was I saying? Ah, yes. There was a small amount of confusion earlier this week when Maureen Dowd asked to come work for us. Maureen Dowd already works for us, I don’t know how she doesn’t know that — more like Maureen Dotty, amiright? The Crooked Crooked Crooked Lying Fake Bullshit Liberal Child-Torturing Horse-Fucking New York Times has been a part of the Fake News™ for over a year. Just check her LinkedIn — see, her assistant has already updated it. “Maureen Dowd: Editorialist at the Crooked Crooked Crooked Lying Fake Bullshit Liberal Child-Torturing Horse-Fucking New York Times, A Subsidiary of the Fake News™.

A bit of bad news, though – I have a recent memo saying that we’ve fallen in the rankings. According to Trump, we’re no longer the greatest threat to American democracy. We’ve been unseated by 8-year-old Guatemalan children seeking asylum and refuge from a dangerous regime. Also, black people. We have to get back on top. I never thought I’d say this, but those kids in cages need to be taken down a peg.

Mark Zuckerberg’s been calling. You might have missed it because he calls via Facebook Messenger, which is both unprofessional and inconvenient. Just because our foreign policy is now conducted on Twitter doesn’t mean his social network gets to replace Alexander Graham Bell’s divine creation. Apparently, he wants us off Facebook, but I had to explain to him that we’re not that type of Fake News. We’re Trump’s Fake News™. We plant stories about how Trump is souring relations with Canada, how immigrants aren’t dangerous, how we’ve colluded with Russia. Mark said he was really impressed with us because he had actually thought all those stories were true. They were.

One final reminder — just because we’re the Fake News™ doesn’t mean we don’t have journalistic standards. We only run stories that are well-researched and accurate. If someone gets in touch with you asking for a sponsored story, please direct them to the Huffington Post.