WASHINGTON—Knowing that the commander-in-chief will be able to tell if there’s even a single thing in place, sources confirmed Tuesday that aides were frantically trying to restore chaos to the White House before President Trump returned from his 12-day diplomatic trip through Asia. “We have to make sure that everything is in just as much disarray as it was when he left, or he’ll be furious,” said White House aide Jeffrey Bertram, who told reporters he had spent all morning scattering highly sensitive documents throughout West Wing offices and hallways while other staffers hastily re-smeared ketchup on the Resolute desk and made sure the bust of Winston Churchill was once again lodged in the toilet tank of the guest lavatory off the Diplomatic Reception Room. “Fuck, I knew we shouldn’t have gone nuts with letting the place function while he was gone. I mean, we can fill the bathtubs with candy wrappers, rip up the carpets, and jam swords in the walls for a thousand years, but he’ll still notice that one thing that looks just a little bit organized. We are so dead.” At press time, a panicked Bertram had squirted the Oval Office drapes with lighter fluid and barely had them reignited when the president stepped into the Entrance Hall.

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