As state after state strips women of their access to abortion and the US supreme court rules to strip women of access to contraception, it seems only fair that men should be “helped” in the same way that women have been “helped” all these years. Right? After all, the laws are said to be there to protect us, from ourselves, and we wouldn’t want men to feel left out.

So, before engaging in any sexual act that could lead to procreation, what if all men had to undergo years of male-centric, abstinence-only education to learn about the horrors and all-around grossness of male sexuality? And what if the standards for how we legislated male sexuality and what we taught about it were based on scientific data of the same quality as that which is applied to women?

Boys, for instance, might be taught that each time you put your penis inside a different woman, it gets smaller. It’s “true”! Don’t leave your future wife with a bummer boner – abstain from sex until marriage.

Young men would also need to learn how to truly respect themselves and their bodies, because women have certain needs, and are stimulated visually. Gentlemen, if you go around wearing shirts that show off your biceps or jeans that hug your bottom (or, God forbid, your “package”), young women will think that you’re that that kind of guy. If you don’t aim to please, don’t aim to tease!

When a young man decides that he’s ready for sex – preferably within the confines of marriage – he would be taught that he is expected to be the sole party responsible for birth control? Yes, boys, maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll meet a woman who’s on the pill. But most women find that taking a daily hormone really lessens their enjoyment of sex, so you’d have to be prepared to get gel injected into your scrotum as often as needed to make sure the woman to whom you give your body doesn’t have to choose between really enjoying sex ... and the potential negative consequences of having it without birth control.

But don’t get too excited! Before you’d be allowed to actually have sex, what if you had to wait 72 hours to make sure that’s really what you wanted to do? It’s a serious decision after all, with adult consequences, and men are not generally known for their ability to think while aroused. During that 72-hour waiting period (which you’d have every time you want to have sex, not just the first time), you would be treated to a battery of invasive medical procedures making sure you’re free of all sexually transmitted infections. (I’ve heard this involves something like a pipe-cleaner going into your penis-hole, but I try not to think too hard about dude stuff – it’s pretty confusing down there!)

Once your waiting period is over, you might have to get yourself to your nearest men’s health center – which can legally be as far as 150 miles from your hometown, which is not far enough to constitute any real burden – for education on child support and information about the psychological damage men can incur from having sex and how it probably causes penis cancer. You could also be shown a video about how women generally find men who have premarital sex to be disgusting and shameful.

Now, we couldn’t guarantee that all of the “medical” information you’d receive would be scientifically accurate, because the doctors there might actually required by law to read “facts” from “studies” that comport with what we all feel is probably true about male sexuality, even if they have been rejected by the medical community. We could call those the Men’s Right to Know rules, because we care!

After that, if you’re a minor, you could be required to obtain a note of permission from your parents before you can move forward with sexual activity. If you’d prefer to get a judicial waiver from needing this parental consent, you’d have to go before the court where you might be: cross examined by a district attorney; required to submit evidence that you understand what sex is; and even have your sperm given its own attorney, because, goodness knows, we can’t trust you with it!

All this said, if the woman gets pregnant, it would still be sort of your fault and ultimately your responsibility – I mean, she couldn’t get knocked up on her own! Besides, men are just better equipped to take care of children. They’re on average bigger, and can reach the baby formula on high shelves at the pharmacy more easily.

But here’s the good news: When you’re done with all this, you would be presented with a contract indicating that you understand all the risks – emotional, physical, and psychological – and that you’re ready to have sex. Once you sign, you’d be good to go!

The bad news: then you’d be a psychologically damaged slut.