A word from the Management: This episode is suuupppppeeerr creepy when you look at the really-not-very-sub-at-all subtext in how Orlin approaches Sam for a romantic relationship. Reader discretion is advised.

"So what you're telling me," General Hammond said, "is that the planet contains remnants of a civilization the same age as our own with a giant superweapon sitting in the middle of it, that the superweapon is far more advanced than that of the surrounding civilization, that said civilization has been destroyed, the weapon is inoperable because its power core is missing, Major Carter figures she can plug in a naquadah reactor to replace it, and she collapsed while investigating the weapon but Dr. Frasier was unable to find anything wrong with her. Is that right?"

"Yessir," Jack said. "Also? Great expository infodump there, General."

"Thank you, Colonel," the General said. "I practice. All right, I'm ordering all of you to take some time off while some other team that probably isn't as qualified as you investigates the ruins."

~Jump cut to the next day; Carter is at home getting her mail~

"Hi," said Random Creepy Guy. He stood in the middle of the street, arms hanging unnaturally at his sides like someone who wasn't really familiar with being human.

"Hi?" said Sam dubiously.

"Nice to meet you," said RCG.

Sam stared at him even more dubiously. "Do I know you?"

"Nope," said RCG.

"Uh-huh," said Sam.

"I'm just here because this is where you live," RCG said in a voice that sounded like he was whacked out on Valium. "My name's Orlin, I'm a super advanced alien energy being who used to be human before he Ascended. I fell in love with you at first glance when you visited my planet. I stalked you through the Stargate, spent the night in your house watching you sleep, watched your TV and rifled through your books to learn how to talk and dress, and now I'm here to flirt with you very awkwardly and make you feel wildly uncomfortable and creeped out. Also, I've incarnated myself as a human again and I can never go back to being an Ascended unless it's convenient to the plot. Did I mention I love you and I spent the night in your house watching you sleep?"

Sam stared at him. "Great job!" she said. "I am totally creeped out right now, Random Creepy Guy."

Management: Oy! Cut that stuff out! Orlin, you aren't supposed to give her that infodump until you're inside her house! It's extra special creepy that way!

"Oh, sorry," said Orlin. "This linear concept of time is very confusing to a super-advanced Ascended being such as myself. Can we do that again?"

"Sure, take two," said Sam.

~Time rewinds fifteen seconds.~

"I'm just here because this is where you live," RCG said.

"Uh-huh," said Sam, looking totally creeped out. "Yeaaahhh. I'm gonna go inside now, 'k? Bye!"

Inside, Sam locked the door like a sensible woman who was just accosted by an RCG. Flipping through her mail, she went to make some tea.

"Hi," said Random Creepy Guy from the other side of her kitchen island. "I came to do the infodump."

"Sure, sounds good," Sam said. "Lay it on me."

Random Creepy Guy looked vaguely surprised at actually getting to do it. "Oh. Okay. Hello there. I'm Orlin, a super advanced alien life form that fell in love with you at first glance when you visited my planet. I stalked you through th—"

Management: Skip!

"Why should I believe you?" said Sam.

"Well, I can walk through your kitchen island," said Orlin, walking through her kitchen island.

"That's pretty good," Sam said. "So, Orlin, tell me about yourself?" She waited until he was in full Valiumesque monologue and then beat feet out of there.

Jump cut to later. Guys in hazmat suits are installing cameras everywhere, Jack and Sam are sitting in the office area.

"I have listened to your report about how you met an alien," Jack said. "Despite the fact that reporting it was exactly what you were supposed to do and despite everything we've been through together and all the crazy weird stuff we've seen, I don't believe that you met an alien and I'm instead thinking you're crazy."

"Sir, reporting it was exactly what I was supposed to do and, also, think of everything we've been through together and all the crazy weird stuff we've seen," said Sam. "I saw him."

"Sure, whatever," said Jack. "We'll spy on you through the cameras for a while. See you later." He gave her a dismissive shrug and left. Clearly, Sam's womanly vapors were nothing to worry about.

~Management detects a great disturbance in the Force, as though millions of feminists cried out in righteous anger and started picking up large implements of violence. Management sincerely hopes that they will direct their rage at the appropriate target: the writers of the original stupid episode who wrote this drek instead of at inappropriate targets such as Richard Dean Anderson who simply had to portray the drek or Management's own highly breakable self who had to convey the portrayal of the drek~

"Hi again," said Orlin a few days later.

"Great," said Sam, facepalming. "Of course you waited until right after the cameras were removed to come back."

"Yep," said Orlin. "I'm creepy and stalkerish that way. Oh, and if you go and bring them back I'll just hide again. Because I love you so much that I want your friends to lock you in a psych ward forever and ever so we can always be together in a small padded room."

"What do you want from me?!" Sam demanded angrily. "I just came from a psych eval! Do you know what that means?! In the actual military it would at least delay my career, probably kill it. In TV-land it's just embarrassing for the next 31 minutes after which it will never be mentioned again!"

"My species have this special way of touching," Orlin said. "It feels really good, and it lets us pass the purest form of our essence to each other. You didn't realize it at the time, but I already touched you like that, back on the planet, and found out you were amazing. Now I want to touch you like that again so you'll find out how amazing I am. If you let me touch you like that then afterwards I'll go, if you still want."

"You have no idea how rapey that sounded," Sam said. "You realize this show is on prime time, right? And you're basically telling me to lie back and think of England or you'll stalk me forever and make people think I'm crazy?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Orlin said.

"I thought you were some kind of super-advanced alien life form," Sam said. "Isn't that supposed to be a package deal with wisdom and a no-touchy rule with less advanced races?"

"Nah," said Orlin. "Mostly just phenomenal cosmic power and a Prime Directive that we ignore whenever we get a funny feeling in our pants." He brightened. "Oh, although—funny thing, the guy who played Q is on this episode as the government guy who's spying on you right now and will later on try to capture me. He's going to be portrayed as a villain, although he's actually being very sensible."

Management: Oy! Orlin, cut it out with the spoilers! We haven't seen that bit yet!

"Oh, sorry," said Orlin. "This linear concept of time is very confusing to a super-advanced Ascended being such as myself. Now, can we get back to the special touching?"

"Grumble, fine, whatever," Sam said.

The Audience: Cap'n! I'm givin' 'er all she's got, but the squick engines won't take much more of this!

Sam closes her eyes, Orlin turns into a glowing squid with his face hovering in it, wraps his glowing tentacles around her, lens flare blots out the scene, and then the two of them are standing there again at perfect kissing distance. [Word from Management: I swear on a stack of the Principia that this is exactly how it went. I'm not sure I could write anything this squicky if I tried.]

The Audience: Holy crap, the squick engines just exploded!

"Wow!" said Sam, basking in the squicky no-really-it-wasn't-glowing-tentacle-sex-honest afterglow. [Word from Management: I swear that was her expression. Again, couldn't write this if I tried.] "That was amazing! So, tell me what's up with that planet?"

"Oh, that," Orlin said. "I wanted to help that civilization, so when the Goa'uld attacked I told them how to build that superweapon. They defeated the Goa'uld, but then they used the knowledge I gave them to start conquering other planets. The other Ascended beings went in and wrecked stuff up, then exiled me there."

"Hang on, if the Ascended things wrecked stuff up to keep people from using that weapon, shouldn't they have destroyed the weapon?" Sam asked, saying what The Audience is thinking.

"You'd think, yeah," said Orlin. "They told me to wreck it. I thought I had."

Sam stared at him in shock. "Dude, are you kidding me? In what bizarro-world logic system does 'I took the battery out' constitute wrecking something? You guys flattened everything else on the planet, but not the weapon? What the hell—does Ascencion cause brain damage or something?"

"Oh, yeah," Orlin said. "Good point." He thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, probably brain damage." He shrugged. "Anyway, doesn't matter. I've become mortal now, and I can never be an Ascended again, so I don't have to worry about it."

~Jump cut forward nine days. Sam, Jack, General Hammond, and Q are in General Hammond's office~

"Haha, Major Carter!" said Q. "I have been—"

"Spying on me, you've seen Orlin, you listened to us talk, you know he's an alien, and you're going to try to capture him in a few minutes. I know," said Sam.

Q blinked. "You know? How can you know?!"

Sam shrugged. "Spoilers, sweetie," she said.

"Great, let's go get him," said basically everyone.

~Jump cut to Carter's house, surrounded by Special Forces~

"Send Carter in to bring him out," Jack said, talking to Q even though Sam was standing right there.

"Sir, is that a good idea?" Sam asked. "I mean, even if Orlin didn't hurt me himself, I could easy get shot by accident if the Special Forces guys have to assault. Aren't you at all concerned about my welfare? "

"Nah," said Jack. "Not this episode. This episode I'm carrying the Idiot Ball. See?" He pulled a small blue ball out of his pocket; it had the word 'IDIOT' written on it in red crayon.

"Very nice sir," said Sam with a tight smile. "Okay, in I go."

"Orlin, why have you built a mini-Stargate in my basement?" asked Sam.

"Oh, I need to get back to the planet," Orlin said. "I have to stop your team from testing the superweapon or the other Ascended will come back to wreck stuff up and probably destroy your civilization for using the weapon that none of us destroyed the first time around. Come to think of it, we didn't even put up a 'do not touch on pain of having your civilization wrecked up. Ah well, whatever." He dove through the mini-Stargate.

"Wait for meeeeeee!" said Sam, diving through the mini-Stargate.

"I tackle you!" said Orlin, tackling one of the trained military personnel who had just finished hooking up the naquadah reactor and pushing the 'do not push unless you really mean it' button to start the unabortable test.

"I am tackled!" said the guy, going down in a heap. Orlin grabbed the zat from him and stunned him.

"Don't move!" said the other military guy, pointing a real gun at Orlin. Orlin kinda lay there, not saying anything or trying to shoot back because...um... [Management actually has no idea why not, and apologizes to The Audience for this entire episode.] Above, the weather started turning rough as the Ascended beings tied on their stuff-wrecking-up boots.

"Stop the test!" Sam said.

"I can't stop the test!" the other military guy said.

"You must stop the test!" Sam said.

"I can't stop the test!" the other military guy said.

"I'll stop the test!" Orlin cried, yanking the power cable out of the wall. [Management: No, seriously. That's what he did.]

"Bang, bang!" said the other military guy, shooting Orlin repeatedly.

"My hero!" Sam said, flinging herself on Orlin. A single tear traced its way down her cheek.

The Audience: Yo, Sam! Why are you crying for this guy? He's like, creepy stalker dude, and you haven't even known him that long!

Amanda Tapping [facing fourth wall]: Look guys, this is my job, okay? I just have to portray this drek, explaining it is not my problem! Now would you give me some space here? I'm trying to convey the idea that Sam is missing a great love interest, which is really hard considering what I've been given to work with, and I don't need distractions!

The Audience: Eep. Sorry, ma'am.

"Major, we can't stop the test!" the other military guy said. "She's gonna blow, Cap'n!"

"I am a Major, Lieutenant, and you will—oh, wait, that was a reference. Sorry. Anyway, we can't dial home on the gate because we can't take a chance on the blast wave from the reactor propagating back through the gate."

"No problem, Sam," Orlin said. "I got this." He turned back into his glowy tentacle form that he had previously said he could never turn into again, grabbed the reactor, and carried it away into the sky so that it could explode harmlessly. "Don't worry!" he shouted back. "Despite how much I supposedly love you, I won't be reincarnating myself to be with you again, or talking to you again any time soon, or anything like that. It's not you, it's me, okay? I just think we need a little space right now. Bye!"

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," Sam said. "I thought I was never going to get rid of him."

"Indeed," said the other military guy. "Let's go home, ma'am. I really need a beer."

[Episode ends]