Slapping, choking, spitting — if a woman gets off on a little consensual degradation in the bedroom, does that make her less of a feminist?

Many women who demand equal pay by day and harder spanks by night wake up feeling conflicted (and a little bruised) about their two favorite F-words: feminism and fucking.

SEE ALSO: Consent makes you better at sex

Almost every version of feminism has been hell-bent on equalizing power structures and fighting gender-based oppression. But those feminists who are also hell-bent on bending over in the bedroom — using those very same power structures to get off — may be faced with questions about whether or not their political walk matches their pillow talk.

“I love being spat on during sex,” says Zoe, a 28-year-old graduate student I’m sipping espressos with. “The nastier the spit, the better. Does that make me a bad feminist? Do I need to burn all of my Audre Lorde books? Give back my Smith College degree?” She tosses aside a lock of hair as she laughs at the ridiculousness of her own rhetorical questions. I wonder how many times she’s caught a loogie.

Of the 1,500+ self-described “kinky” women Jennifer Eve Rehor studied in 2011, the majority were found to have participated in “at least one of the following activities for their own sensual or erotic pleasure: physical humiliation, deprivation, punishment (physical), breath play, obedience/training, verbal abuse/humiliation, other forced activities and service-oriented submission/domestic service.” They did so in the role of the receptive or submissive partner.

For the record, the dominant partner(s) needn’t be male in these scenarios. Nor does rough sex necessarily imply penis-vagina intercourse. Feminist women can and do experiment with power structures well beyond male-female play.

In the past few years, women have both devoured countless (controversial) copies of 50 Shades and rallied around Beyonce’s "Flawless" definition of feminist.

But what does this mean for our real, kinky sex lives? How does getting flogged contribute to our feminist ways? How can we create kinky sex lives that are both feminist and degrading instead of just plain degrading?

1. Feminist rough sex is your choice.

"My rough sex coexists with my feminist politics because of my agency."

“I know a lot of feminists may have a difficult time reconciling their love for rough sex with their knowledge that such sex (with the wrong intent) can be abusive,” says sex toy and kink blogger Sugarcunt. “[Some may think] that by encouraging consensual rough sex we may send the wrong message to people who will distort our words and use them to justify nonconsensual sexual violence. [But] my rough sex coexists with my feminist politics because of my agency. It's an act that I decided to be part of on my own."

2. Feminist rough sex empowers.

“When we’re talking rough sex, we’re essentially talking about power dynamics and whether feminism can thrive in seemingly unequal power dynamics,” says Alex Gillon, curator of Consensual Roughness. “The problem with power dynamics is that to the naked eye, the more aggressive party has more of it. But two things make this false when it comes to rough sex: consent and permission.”

When partners have actively practiced consent by discussing their desires beforehand, the same unwanted derogatory terms catcalled through a passing car window can be positively reclaimed when growled in your ear by your lover, punctuated by a well-timed spank — both of which you requested.

“A woman receiving roughness has given you permission to dominate her on whatever terms she’s laid out,” continues Gillon. “That’s power, in fact, arguably more power than the giver. Throughout all roughness, the woman is in power, even if she has chosen to relinquish it.”

3. Feminist rough sex pushes boundaries you’ve drawn yourself.

Dawn Serra, sex and relationship coach, says, “Rough sex is an opportunity to explore my edges, mentally and physically. When I ask a lover to put their hand on my throat or when we dabble in what kind of pain feels good that day, it feels incredibly liberating.”

"Rough sex is me claiming my body and my desires and acting on them without apology."

Feminism demands that others not dictate what we do with our bodies — from shaving our legs (or not) to wearing makeup (or not). Feminism hinges on the freedom to adorn, nourish and pleasure our own bodies the way we see fit. “Rough sex is me claiming my body and my desires and acting on them without apology,” says Serra. “So creating something delicious with a partner that is totally safe emotionally while pushing the boundaries of my physical body is the ultimate act of that autonomy.”

4. Feminist rough sex involves more than one feminist.

“The right partner is essential with rough sex,” advises Sugarcunt. “You could be seriously hurt by a partner who doesn't stop when you withdraw consent. I don’t engage in rough sex with people that I don't trust not to harm me. My partner is also a feminist who cares about my emotional and physical wellbeing. When I finish having rough sex, I don't come away hurting; I emerge victorious and satisfied.”

5. Feminist rough sex is whatever you want it to be.

Along with anti-feminist social structures like the good ol’ patriarchy come other behavior-limiting boxes attempting to contain us.

“What is NOT feminist,” emphasizes Shanna Katz, M.Ed, sexologist and sexuality educator, “is telling people how their desires ‘should’ look or telling them that the consensual, negotiated activities they participate in are somehow wrong because they don't meet some arbitrary, often male- and penis-centric, traditional definition of sex.

“When we examine all sex (rough or otherwise) from an intersectional feminist perspective, what makes it ‘feminist’ is the right and space for all participants to share their desires and to have them recognized and validated.”

6. Feminist rough sex ends with aftercare.

“So who cleans up the spit?” I ask Zoe at the end of our chat. “He does, of course!” she scoffs. Aftercare, a term coined by the BDSM community, refers to the routine done (usually by the person in the dominant role) in service of the person in the receiving/submissive role once rough sex or play has ended.

Aftercare doesn’t need to be overly sentimental, grand or even creative — it just needs to be an intentional display of acknowledgment and appreciation of the person who just got swatted. Take a shower together, share a popsicle, watch the new season of Broad City. Whatever you do, follow the rule that the higher you fly in the roughness department, the softer you should pad the aftercare landing.

7. Finally, when the feminist rough sex is over, the feminist part remains.

Because the No. 1 rule of feminist rough sex is that giving up power between the sheets certainly doesn’t equate to giving it up in the streets, no matter how much spit is in your hair.

BONUS: Lesbians speculate wildly about straight sex

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