It seems Theresa May is finally listening to suggestions that she take a hike. The prime minister is about to head off on her hols, a three-week walking tour of northern Italy and Switzerland with a quick stop in Brussels. Even the Maybot has to recharge her batteries now and again, and there’s nothing like a nice stroll for clearing the mind and figuring out your next steps. Just look what happened last time May went on a walking holiday: she came up with the brilliant idea of holding a snap election. I can’t wait for the exciting eureka moments that will reveal themselves to the PM on her upcoming rambles.

However, while I support our tireless leader’s decision to get a little R&R, I’m somewhat shocked by her choice of destination. After carefully consulting a map, it turns out both Italy and Brussels are in the EU! Ewww! What’s more, I’m afraid to report that mediocre Switzerland isn’t part of Great Britain. I thought the whole point of this Brexiting business was to avoid fraternising with foreigners and ensure the UK was completely isolated from the rest of the world? Shouldn’t May be holidaying at home? Wouldn’t that be the patriotic thing to do?

That was a rhetorical question, by the way, because the only acceptable answer is “yes”. Now we’ve finally taken back control of our country, there’s no reason anyone should ever want to leave this paradise on Earth. Indeed, international tourists are now flocking to our shores: Britain has recently attracted record numbers of overseas visitors. Some analysts attribute this to a plummeting pound, but I reckon it’s because other countries are well jealous of Brexit and want to experience the sweet taste of sovereignty for themselves. The New York Times, for example, is offering admiring Americans a six-day “Brexit means Brexit” guided tour of London for $5,995 (£4,605) a person.

Not that I’m suggesting May shell out four-and-a-half grand for a Brexit means Brexit tour. Obviously, the PM knows exactly what Brexit means, and doesn’t need an American newspaper to explain it to her at roughly £1,500 a word. However, I do think May ought to cancel her overseas adventure and go on a domestic summer holiday instead. So, I’ve helpfully put together an itinerary for a whistle-stop tour of balmy Brexit Britain:

Day one: Sample the culinary wealth of Britain’s food banks

Britain’s national cuisine has long been an international joke. However, the idea that Brits exist on a bland diet of overboiled cabbage and roast beef is an outdated stereotype. Thanks to austerity and Brexit, fewer and fewer people can afford luxuries such as cabbage or enough gas to overboil it. But necessity is the mother of invention: Britain is now home to a cool new culinary trend called “food banks”. There are at least 2,000 food banks across the UK; according to recent research, benefit freezes and welfare cuts are likely to increase their use, making it even harder to secure a coveted reservation. Visit them while you can!

Day two: Spot a police officer in the wild



The number of police offers in Britain has fallen to a 30-year low. Weirdly, this coincides with England and Wales seeing the biggest rise in crime in a decade. There are those who blame May for this: as home secretary she cut police budgets by 18% and oversaw an enormous reduction in police officers. However, I think it’s more logical to blame the gender-fluid PC brigade for beating down the traditional boys in blue. Still, silver linings: the UK has now become a far more edgy and exciting place to be.

Day three: Take in the splendour of the UK’s strongest stables

Horses play an important part in the history and culture of Britain. Indeed, it’s rumoured certain members of the British aristocracy can trace their lineage back to equine stock. It is no wonder, then, that the UK is full of strong and stable stables. Spend an inspirational day touring these stately horsey homes and repeating “strong and stable” over and over to yourself in a reassuring whisper.

Day four: Frolic among fields of wheat

There’s nothing quite like the visceral thrill of literally trampling over the economy. Spend the morning fully immersing yourself in this green and pleasant land by running through fields of wheat. Once you’ve wet your whistle with wheat, drink in the rest of the English countryside. Make sure you marvel at the majestic oak trees – a traditional refuge for unpopular British leaders. It’s also worth keeping an eye out for the treeus magic moneyus. While there are those who believe it’s a myth, large swaths of Northern Ireland swear it’s real and say they have recently enjoyed its fruit.

Day five: Visit the homes of Britain’s greatest living authors

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Brexit has turned back the clock of progress so dramatically that some of Britain’s most beloved authors have risen from the dead. Yes, according to Andrea Leadsom, Jane Austen is alive and well. You can visit her for tea at her home in Hampshire, where she is hard at work on a Brexit-inspired sequel to Pride and Prejudice.