I said ‘grab them NOT by the pussy’, clarifies Trump

President Trump has reversed what was thought to be his long-held position on genital grabbing, after reviewing a transcript of what he said.

A segment of the now infamous ‘Access Hollywood’ tape which came to light during Trump’s election campaign famously included a boast from the reality TV star that sexual assault was permissible depending on how famous the amber pervert in question might be.

Despite defending the “grab ’em by the pussy” remark as ‘locker room talk’ at the time, President Trump is now saying that he meant the opposite, because it’s 2018 and the truth is a flimsy abstract concept that means very little at this stage.

“Look, people, I have reviewed the transcript,” Trump told confused press at the White House yesterday, “and what I was saying to Billy Bush was that when I see a beautiful woman I take a couple of Tic-Tacs, and then make sure that I don’t grab them by the pussy. What I actually said was, ‘Grab ’em NOT by the pussy’.

“If you listen closely you’ll hear that I said ‘grabn’t’, which is old English for ‘grab not’. I speak in old English sometimes because I am smart and know all the best words. Even the old words.”

He went on, “In the presidential debates with Hillary Clinton a similar thing happened – in the recording I seem to say that if I was elected she would be in jail. But again, I meant to say ‘wouldn’t be in jail’.

“Which she isn’t, so I was right, right?”