I recently met face-to-face for the first time with a Facebook friend, Rohan, who lives in my city. As both of us are gay we talked about all the LGBTI issues in India.

The topic then turned to sex and blind dates. And that meant we very quickly started talking about the molestation and vulnerability of gays.

Rohan told me he had a very bitter experience and argued gays in India are really unsafe and vulnerable.

He fixed up a date with a guy he met through a social network. They decided to meet in a public place which is very quiet and empty during evenings.

He said at first he did not like the idea of sex in the open but the boy seemed cute and attractive so he went.

What he didn’t realize was the guy’s true intentions.

At first, all seemed fine. They started kissing and feeling each other’s bodies. Then the guy gently took Rohan’s smartphone from his pocket and suddenly said ‘I think someone is coming’.

Rohan replied he couldn’t see or hear anyone but the guy insisted ‘Let’s go in different directions, otherwise we will be caught’ and ran off.

‘When I came out of that place and realized that my phone was not in my pocket, I panicked. I thought, what I will say at home?

‘I can’t go to the police even though I know his fake ID. In any case, I knew that he must have blocked me by now.

‘I stood there for a long time lifeless, not knowing what to do. For me it was not only a financial loss but also a loss of trust.

‘I suffered this only because I was gay. If this has happened to a guy or girl they could have easily gone to the police to complain about the crime, but I am a criminal myself in the eyes of Indian law.’

Rohan even shed a few tears while narrating the story – and that didn’t surprise me. It reminded me of so many similar things that have happened in my gay friends’ lives.

One of the worst incidents happened to a friend of mine when he was in college.

There was an area in our city which was known as a place gay men went to meet – this was in the days before we all had access to social networks.

He sometimes went to this cruising ground and one summer afternoon he went there to find someone for sex – it was almost always easy there to find someone.

Suddenly two guys came across him and shouted: ‘Stop you gay!’

He became terrified and told me later: ‘I tried to escape but they caught me and held on to my hand. “Why are you here?” One of them asked. I said I was going for a walk. “No, you want to get fucked…” they said.’

My friend insisted he ‘was not that kind’ but they threatened to tell his family and friends he is gay.

He was so afraid that he could not decide what to do. They took advantage of his hesitation to search his pockets and take his money. Then they held on to him while they raped him.

When he came out of that place he was out of my mind.

He told me: ‘I cursed myself for being gay. I knew I couldn’t take any action as I’m weak, and my weakness is because of the fact that I am a gay and I do not want to tell it openly to save the honor of my family and because I don’t want to hurt my parents.

‘That day for the first time I hated myself for being gay instead of hating those criminals who raped me and looted my purse.

‘When they eventually released me they said with a broad laugh: “Do come again with a full purse and empty ass.” This was the most humiliating moment of my life.’

The third example I would like to share is from my own life, when I was in a teenager and I sexually assaulted by my elder brother’s friend.

He used me many a times, and I kept quiet due to the fear. I wondered: ‘What will happen if people came to know that I am a gay, I will lose all the respect from society.’

It was realizing I had these fears and would stay silent that gave courage to that guy to use me this way for so long.

Even today, when gays in India have social media as a platform for their voices, these things still happen.

These three are not the only incidents I know of. In fact, I believe every Indian gay has once or more faced something similar in their life.

Sexual harassment, theft, blackmail and more are common to the LGBTIs of India. And in the end, what are we being punished for? Only for searching for love or sex, which are universal human desires.

This will continue until the law changes and society changes its view. That day is not any time soon. Meanwhile all of us, as LGBTI people, have to be strong enough to defend ourselves as best we can. In this war against theft, rape and abuse, we are sadly the first and only line of our own defense.

First published 7 May 2015