Severe flood warnings have been issued to over 100 parts of the UK, as some ares in the north have received a month’s worth of rain over 24 hours.

Jacob Rees-Mogg has issued a statement advising citizens to ignore everything the rescue services tell them, and to do the complete opposite.

“If a member of the authorities tells you to leave your house for your own safety, ignore them. Simply have them escorted from your estate grounds, and then revoke their access to the automated security gates.”

Rees-Mogg advised citizens to ignore the advice of every single agency, and to simply do what he would do.

“My main advice is to not live in the North, or if you do, take small measures to ensure your house is floodproof; these can include basic steps such as living in a converted fort on a hill, having a mile long moat and industrial crossing system around your property, or putting a helicopter pad on the roof for an easy escape.”

The severe flooding trapped dozens of Sheffield residents inside a shopping mall overnight.

Rees-Mogg has wondered why the Northern citizens are not using their family sailboats to traverse the floods.

“It’s common sense surely? A flood is the perfect occasion to hop on the family sailboat you’ve got in storage. Whether it’s a 30m J-Class, an Open Gaffer, a Laurent Giles crusier, a veneer coated Riva Aquarama, or even a hand crafted heritage for goodness’ sake! With all the options available, there’s simply no excuse, to not take advantage of the fine family sailing vessel that’s been passed down between generations.”

Rees-Mogg then repeated his ‘hand crafted heritage’ remark and proceeded to laugh for a solid minute.