With his position only becoming more untenable by the day, an under-fire Tony Abbott has sought the advice of battle-hardened James Hird in a last ditch effort to hang on to his job.

“Well, it never hurts to seek outside counsel,” said Mr Abbott. “James is a very fine man, an upstanding Australian and there are a few parallels between his position and mine. To use the industry lingo, we’ve both been given hospital handpasses, so to speak, and when it comes to defying all the odds and somehow keeping your job, he is quite simply the best in the business.”

With his busy schedule, Hird found it hard to make time for the PM, but managed to squeeze him in between morning tanning sessions and afternoon French lessons.

“Sometimes, in those really tough moments when there’s media on your front lawn and you’re all over the newspapers, you just need to dig in, hold your loved ones close, start threatening people with legal action and find an untrustworthy sports scientist to pin your problems on,” Hird calmly explained to Abbott, unsure why he was making such a big deal over a little negative press.

Abbott was pleased after the meeting, saying it was “very collegial and very gentlemanly,” and that James could expect a knighthood in the near future.

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