It’s worth noting that this is Christ the Redeemer rather than Christ the Freelancer.

Dear Diary,

It has been some time since I wrote about my decision to become a digital nomad and my journey to the promised land of Nimman in Chiang Mai.

I’m sorry about that. I have had the flu, this is probably because I was told it was a good idea to bring only one set of clothes and wash them by hand every night. This may be good advice in the Summer in Thailand but in the Winter it’s cold and my clothes didn’t dry properly and wearing damp clothes on a cold day is not ideal for your health.

But I do have good news to report! I have finally met Colin BG (Ballerina and Greyhound Racer) in the haven of Clueless Co-Working, which is where all the real digital nomads hang out. Colin has very kindly offered me an unpaid apprenticeship in the exciting and highly profitable world of dropshipping.

In exchange for working on Colin’s websites for 20 hours a week, he’s going to help me grow my own business by finding a niche and then exploiting it like a photojournalist with a shot of a drunken 15 year old movie star.

He has also invited me for the low price of just $499 to attend “Peak Nomad Performance” it’s an annual event in Chiang Mai where 8 people who are “crushing it” and living on at least $500 a month, which is a huge upgrade on my own financial situation, will talk about their amazing success. Some of these people are so successful that they’ve had to change their surnames more often than Colin has.

Colin says that he had to change his own surname because of an unfortunate incident with a goat in a field near Scarborough. He says that while he’s asked for forgiveness for the time that his trousers fell down innocently as he was walking home and then he fell and a part of him accidentally ended up inside a goat — people aren’t as forgiving as they once were.

Poor Colin, I can see how that might lead to misunderstandings at parties. He also told me that while I will be learning dropshipping because it’s a brilliant way to start making squillions, that he has moved on to selling things from a Shopify store because he has more money to invest now that lots of people are buying his course, rather than just browsing his Gucci Goldfish Bowl collection.

He says that I’ll be looking to find products that cost thousands of dollars to sell to people because the margins will then mean I will make at least $20 on every sale. That is the way that dropshipping will enable me to live like a boss.

His products, which I’ll be uploading to his Shopify store, are basically adult entertainment products which he has made in China. He says the Ben Wa balls with his face on them are a popular novelty gift in certain circles of gay men. That’s OK by me; I’m broad minded ever since I started watching Oprah Winfrey’s show during my long period of unemployment.

He also says that while I wait for my dropshipping store to become profitable I can support myself in Chiang Mai by filling in surveys on Mechanical Turk in my spare time. If I do ten surveys a day, I’ll have the $300 that I need to pay the bills each month without having to do much more. That’s pretty amazing diary, I’ll be working only 60–80 hours a week but I’ll have enough to live like a king on, Colin says.

I will also be part of Colin’s inner circle and I’ll be helping Colin to scan the internet for criticism of his business model and be writing responses to that criticism by explaining that Walmart and Amazon both use dropshipping as part of their work. I did wonder what multi-billion dollar privately financed corporations, which do an awful lot of other revenue producing work, have to do with things but Colin explained that it was important to show the maximum potential of dropshipping to the world.

He also introduced me to another guru called “Christ the Freelancer” which seemed a little presumptuous to me but apparently came about because he was trying to buy a domain name called “Chris the Freelancer” but accidentally hit an extra “t” and he couldn’t afford to buy another one at the time because he was just starting out.

Christ gives really helpful advice to other freelancers from the depths of his single year of experience making sub-minimum wage in foreign countries.

He tells an entertaining story about how he was once duped into spending $10 on a meal for two for him and his girlfriend in Malaysia — that’s a whole day’s money for those of us living like kings in Asia and they had to sleep under a bridge for the night because they couldn’t afford a $3 hostel room after dinner. He says he wants to help other nomads live the same kind of life that he and his partner do.

I liked Christ but I noticed that he almost never smiles and his eyes are kind of dead. It must be because he’s so busy living the dream and that’s occupying his thoughts all the time.

His e-book, all 6 pages of it, is available for free on his website too. It’s packed with useful advice such as “How do you make money and travel? One word — the internet.” OK, it’s fair to say that Christ isn’t a mathematician but his heart’s in the right place.

His YouTube channel is also fascinating in that it includes a tour of 10 gyms that he can’t afford to use. It’s important to think about being healthy even when you’re trying to rise above modern comforts like sanitation and a balanced diet in order to live your dreams, according to Christ.

I think I’m glad that I chose dropshipping rather than freelancing, all the same. Colin says I will be crushing it in no time at all or at least after I’ve uploaded a thousand novelty butt plugs to Shopify, I will.

Diary, I think it’s fair to say that I made the right decision in coming to Chiang Mai. Everyone here is so positive about the future. Many of the other people in the co-working space were happy to share their experiences with me and it’s amazing how so many people have invested their life savings to come and work on the other side of the world. They’re all certain that tomorrow will be the day that they start making squillions and retire to the beach.

I can’t wait to learn from them and I can’t wait to start building my dropshipping store. I’m even OK with doing the Shopify work for Colin, at least I’ll get a secret peek at how the master is moving up in the world.

I’ve also decided to attend the “Peak Nomad Performance” event, the $499 includes not just access to the event but a meal and the chance to talk to some of the speakers about their work. What could go wrong in this place of encouragement, warmth and positive energy? It’s an investment in my future that I’m proud to make.

Now, I think I might have to break the nomad rule of having one set of clothes and washing them every night and go to the market and buy some more t-shirts and shorts. Please don’t tell Colin diary, I don’t want him to feel like I’ve let him down.

Speak soon dear diary, speak soon.

Darren the Digital Nomad

Note: All resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental. The diary of Darren the Digital Nomad is a work of satirical fiction. Honest.

This episode of Darren’s life is dedicated to the person who’s been campaigning for his return — you know who you are and thank you. Darren should be making more frequent appearances in the future unless I get waylaid by other stuff again — which I probably will.

For those of you looking for the article-style pieces, there will be one of those on Friday.