Peyton Manning is officially retiring from the National Football League. I’m sure you’re well aware of this by now. While this may surprise a few of you, and while I’m sure more than a few of you fully expect him to Favre his way back into the league for a massive over-payment by the newly minted L.A. Rams, this certainly comes as predictable to a good many sports fans around the world.

But, this is 2016. And, as such, this is a time in American history when even the most over-covered sports stories have a level of secrecy tucked away behind the scenes. Furthermore, in this day and age, we can hardly go through any momentous events in our lives without sending/receiving the texts of our friends, colleagues, and well wishers.

So we did what we have been known to do, here at the No Coastest with the Mostest: we had our elite team of hackers cyber-sneak their way into Peyton’s phone to see who was texting him and what he was talking about on the eve of his big announcement. Yes, the FBI can’t hack into an iPhone, but we sure as hell can!

Here are the most intriguing texts Peyton received last night.

(*Author’s note: as always, for a larger image, please click on the picture to expand it in your browser. Enjoy.)

FIN