Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

You’re reminded of how boundless human optimism is this Friday when you go into the gents of a provincial real ale pub and find a condom machine.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You can get your Tory leader name by picking the first name of a 70s rock singer & an African nation with a vowel missing. Yours is is Iggy Gypt.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Today you will take an online quiz – ‘What Kind Of Schrödinger’s Cat Are You?’ – and it will turn out you’re both.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Everyone has that song that sums up their worst ever breakup. Not many people’s is Oops Upside Your Head, though.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You embarrass yourself at a party this weekend when everyone is discussing their favourite box sets and you say yours is the one with Sugar Puffs and Coco Pops in it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Why not spice up things in the bedroom with a bit of role play? You can pretend you’re somebody who still wants to have sex with him and he can pretend to be a blind person with no sense of smell.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

As a fan of buying locally-sourced produce you’re delighted to discover a meth lab has opened up just around the corner.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

After spending the Easter weekend getting some DIY done around the house, you’ve very little time after work to phone around actual builders to reverse the unholy arse you’ve made of things.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You feel loads better after doing a six-mile run this weekend, especially once it’s clear the security guard has stopped chasing you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Well since my baby left me, I’ve found a new place to dwell. It’s back on the couch at my sister’s house while my brother-in-law gives me hell.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Your local bookshop is doing a buy-one-get-one free deal on ‘Teach Yourself Binary’. 10 for the price of 1.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

It’s all very well to dismiss Nigel Farage as a pop-eyed racist nutter. So crack on.