Metalhead Asks CDC Hotline What to Cough Into If They’ve “Hypothetically” Cut off Their Sleeves

LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Layne Medema spoke with a representative from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention hotline for well over an hour yesterday, asking where he should cough in the “hypothetical” event he had no sleeves in his immediate vicinity, anxious sources confirmed.

“Pretend for a moment that I’m someone who doesn’t own any shirts accompanied by sleeves because I’ve chosen a life of metal,” Medema said, attempting to hide his bare arms. “The CDC recommends exclusively using your sleeve as your cough destination to prevent the possible spread of coronavirus, but I just can’t go out and buy a whole new wardrobe now that every store is temporarily shut down. The government really needs to step in to provide citizens with relief — and what we need most right now is appropriately sleeved apparel. I’ll take my government-issued Slayer shirt in size medium, please.”

Parents of metalheads have been concerned their children could spread the coronavirus as a result of their fashion choices.

“I knew the day would come when Layne would need those life-saving sleeves again,” said Hannah Medema, mother of the Port Nocturnal guitarist. “We all know sleeves are the first line of defense in stopping the spread of germs and that’s why he’s always sick… or at least, that must be the reason he’s constantly sniffling, getting nosebleeds, and having dilated pupils. What else could that be?”

The CDC is frequently updating their list of recommendations as new preventative measures develop.

“We’ve been getting a record number of calls from concerned metalheads asking to expand on this one particular recommendation, so we’ve come up with a whole separate list just for them,” said Kim Darrelson, CDC hotline operator. “For instance, metalheads should consider carrying around one of their many severed sleeves in their back pocket in case a cough is creeping in — or, go ahead and use the inside of your denim jacket, since we assume those sleeves have also been cut off. And if you’re in a pinch, just tell everyone around you it’s probably just your smoker’s cough and not a highly infectious disease that’s probably going to wipe out everyone over the age of 70. That’s easily believable.”

At press time, Medema was researching how to adjust his facial piercings without touching his face.

Photo by Steven Yuen.