The Tortoise and the Hare

There once was a speedy hare who loved to boast about how fast he could run.

“I am the fastest animal in all the forest,” said the hare. “No one can beat me in a race.”

At that, a tortoise spoke up quietly, “I can beat you.”

“Ha ha!” exclaimed the hare. “You don’t stand a chance! But let’s put it to the test. Let the race begin!”

Just then, a government bureaucrat emerged from behind a bush. He unrolled a long parchment scroll filled with dense writing and pointed a bony finger to one of the paragraphs.

“For your protection and well-being, the government has decreed that this contest be an equal-opportunity race,” the bureaucrat proclaimed in an official-sounding voice. “Since the tortoise is burdened by historic disadvantages in speed, he shall be given a thirty-minute head start. Henceforth, this shall be known as Project Head Start. ”

Upon hearing this, the animals in the forest were sharply divided. The lazy animals thought it was a wonderful idea and whooped with delight. But the industrious animals, the ones who actually contributed to the growth and productivity of the forest, thought it was bad public policy and possibly unconstitutional.

But the law had to be obeyed, and when the race began the tortoise was given a head start. The tortoise moved slowly but steadily forward, taking as much advantage of his government-mandated lead as he could.

When the thirty minutes were up, the hare sprinted out of the starting block and ran faster than he had ever run before. But the thirty-minute head start was too much for him to overcome, and the tortoise crossed the finish line just ahead of the hare. No one cheered because all of the animals knew that the tortoise couldn’t possibly have won without a head start. And even the tortoise had to admit that his victory was a hollow one. And possibly unconstitutional.

London Bridge

London Bridge is falling down

Falling down

Falling down

London Bridge is falling down

Buy American.

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Once upon a time, there lived a vain emperor named Obama who loved nothing better than to wear the finest clothes. Legally, he wasn’t even a real emperor, but that’s another story. Obama wore expensive suits made of the finest fabric and even owned a special windbreaker that featured the great seal of the emperor emblazoned on the chest. None of the emperor’s courtiers dared to criticize him, but some of his subjects thought he looked ridiculous, particularly those living in the South and Midwest regions of the empire.

One day, a pair of swindlers approached the emperor and offered to make him a set of clothes that had an unusual quality: the clothes would be invisible to anyone who was too stupid to appreciate their quality. The emperor, who besides being vain was also a snob, and delighted in pointing out other peoples’ stupidity, immediately agreed.

A week later, the swindlers presented the emperor with his new clothes. The emperor couldn’t see any clothes, for there were no clothes to see. But he didn’t want anyone to think he was stupid, so he pretended to be delighted with his new garments.

The emperor summoned his carriage and went on a motorcade tour to all corners of the kingdom showing off his new clothes. His subjects were afraid to admit that they couldn’t see his clothes, especially since so many mainstream “experts” were praising the emperor’s beautiful new wardrobe. But then a young boy in the crowd spoke up and said, “Wait a minute—the emperor has no clothes!”

When the crowd heard this, they realized the boy was right and that they had kept silent because they didn’t want the emperor to think that they were stupid. They immediately threw the emperor out of office and replaced him with a new ruler, a handsome man who would never make them feel stupid, ever. His name was Mitt.

Jack Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat

His wife could eat no lean

So the government stepped in with mandatory dietary guidelines

And the two starved to death.

The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. When the time came for them to enter the free market, their mother, who was still married to their father and therefore happier and more successful than the divorced swine in the neighborhood, told them, “Whatever you build in the world, make it as good as you can. And if possible, use other peoples’ money.”

The first pig used what little money he could borrow from friends and built his house out of straw. The second pig borrowed money from the government through an F.H.A.-insured loan and built his house out of sticks.

But the third pig purchased a basket of collateralized debt obligations tied to subprime mortgage-backed securities and then got out of the market just before housing prices collapsed because of all the money the F.H.A. had foolishly lent to pigs who had no business buying houses in the first place. With the profits from the C.D.O.s, shielded from excessive government taxation by a series of perfectly legal multi-layer transactions that routed the assets through a shell company in the Cayman Islands, the third pig built his house out of sturdy bricks.

One day, a big bad wolf named Freddie Mac came upon the first little pig, in his house of straw. Freddie called into the house, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!” The pig answered, “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!” The wolf replied, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in!” So Freddie the wolf huffed and he puffed, and while the house wasn’t exactly blown in, it did go into foreclosure, giving Freddie the legal right to enter the house and eat up the first little pig.

Then Freddie the wolf came to the second house, made of sticks, and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!” The second pig answered, “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!,” even though this was exactly the same response given by the first pig, and thus, protected by copyright law. The wolf replied, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in!” So Freddie huffed and he puffed, and the house made of sticks went into foreclosure, and the second pig was eaten up.

Then the wolf came to the third house, made of bricks, and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!” The third pig said, “Not unless you want a rifle up your butt.” The wolf replied, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in!” So Freddie huffed and he puffed, but as soon as he did, the third pig opened the front door and shot the wolf in the chest, killing him instantly. The third pig was not charged in the shooting due to a local “stand your ground” law, and lived happily ever after.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down

And broke his crown

And Jill rushed him to the hospital before Obamacare ruined the greatest health-care system in the world.