How can someone with NPD improve?

Step 1 : practicing self awareness involving the symptoms!

Most personality disorders have issues with perception, emotions, interpersonal functioning, and impulse control. According to the DSM, you must experience 2 or more of these things in order to be diagnosed with just a general personality disorder. These things are very difficult to change, and in many cases - can’t be. They’re inflexible. You will always experience some of these symptoms throughout life, even if you learn to act otherwise.

People with NPD, specifically, lack empathy, need to be admired (not just noticed), and have spurts of grandiosity (in imagination or irl). When we don’t feel admired or respected, it can trigger a depressive, anxious, or paranoid episode. The standards for this are varied, based on your environment and raising. People with NPD often compulsively lie to make themselves look better (due to anxieties or trauma related to self-image/worth) - being surprised when others don’t do the same or offended / hurt when they don’t get the praise or validation that they falsely believe they need / deserve.

They can manipulate others - but I feel the need to mention that the manipulation is rarely out of genuine malice. Through personal experience and interacting with other narcissists, I’ve found that it’s usually along the lines of “I need this thing to happen in order to feel safe / satisfied / valid. So I will act a specific way to attempt to get this to happen. I deserve this”. It often comes from a lack of social awareness. Yes, it’s unhealthy - no, it isn’t evil. Entitlement leading to hypocrisy, double standards, and / or arrogant behavior. They can be jealous of others, or assume that others are jealous / obsessed with them.

Often, a narcissist’s ego is based on the traits of people around them - more specifically on the idealized versions of these people that the person with NPD tries to ‘mirror’ the traits of. We have a lot of issues with self esteem and judge ourselves harshly, comparing our current selves to our ideal self. I personally compare myself to my mom a lot, she’s a healthy, productive narcissist with amazing control over herself and her anxiety. She’s my proof that you don’t need to have empathy or constant awareness of others as long as you try to be a healthy and good person, with good communication. So, I judge myself extremely harshly when I feel I’ve been harmful to others or when I lack control over my life.

TLDR: Make note of when symptoms arise! Knowing your symptoms, how they affect you, and the people around you is a huge step and takes lots of practice - so don’t take it as a negative sign if you struggle! You’re learning more every day and working towards positive change is a good thing - no matter how long it takes. It’s a constant practice.

Step 2 : learn to notice your thoughts (and acknowledge when they aren’t true)

Now that you’re learning more about your behaviors and negative traits, the next step is to learn the truth of reality. I don’t mean this is a profound, universal way - I’m talking about learning how to see the world for how it is, as opposed to what your disorder makes it out to be. This is also very difficult, but is absolutely possible and worth it.

Make note of your automatic thoughts - literally. Write them down, acknowledge them, think about them. Your thoughts are what physically (chemically) trigger the whole process of how you act, feel, and what you believe. Know that if it is harmful to you or another person, then it’s negative (note: having negative thoughts about abusers doesn’t make you bad, but it will bring negativity into your life due to your mind being preoccupied with triggering content).

Everyone has inherent worth. “Human rights”. Everyone is worthy of being treated fairly, and that doesn’t mean you should jump through hoops to explain why yourself or others deserve something. It’s automatic. No one is worthless, no one is a “lost case”. This doesn’t just apply to you. This is something I have to constantly remind myself of, if I deserve happiness then doesn’t everyone else?

This is something one of my therapists taught me: our mindset wires our brain. I know it sounds so obvious, maybe even pretentious. But our expectations and learned associations change our brain chemistry and shape the circuitry. Our thoughts trigger chemicals that are put into our cells and they shape the outcomes. What we put in is what we get - our very dna can be changed by thoughts. In order to reach a positive outcome, you have to change what you believe about yourself to represent something more accurate. Narcissism is a shame-based identity. The identity of shame is a self-absorbed and isolating experience which starts in childhood.

Again, our thoughts and beliefs are woven into your cells and DNA. Now, I’m going to introduce the concept of bodily addictions to negative thoughts.

Here’s some examples of how addiction shows itself:

- disconnection from your own will, the addiction (thoughts) hold greater power over your life than you do

- struggle with healthy emotional connections (more than a lack of empathy, it’s emotional and sometimes physical isolation)

- preoccupation with the addiction (thoughts), spending time, energy, and sometime resources in pursuit of / surrounding the addiction

- in spite of all the negative consequences, the pattern is repeated over and over

- lashing out (or attacking inward) when the addiction (thought) is challenged

There are certain thoughts, beliefs, and world views that we adopt and form our identity around. We become addicted to the negativity, the drama, the hurt of it all. It creates doubt, anger, and anxiety when we fight against it. Our disorder will argue with us, bargaining, saying that we need it or that it’s just the reality. This second step is meant to fight this.

So, acknowledge your thoughts. The more you do that, the more you’ll be able to catch the negative ones before they do any damage. Tell yourself “I know this isn’t accurate, and [this] is the truth”. Everyone has worth, including myself and those I hate. “Entitlement” is the wrong word to use in this case. It’s what we all need, as humans, in order to function healthily.

Acknowledge that you enjoy positive emotions, even if it feels uncertain. Know that everyone else wants the same thing. Remember that addiction =/= actually liking the negativity.

TLDR : Write down your automatic thoughts, acknowledge what it really means to you, feel your emotional reaction and look at how you behaved as a result. Write it all down, find the negative patterns. If your actions reinforce your negative thoughts, then you need to change how you behave. Just this acknowledgement is done through months of practice. It’s breaking a thought habit, an addiction.

Truths of reality:

- everyone is lovable

- everyone is worthy of existing, and worthy of respect

- everyone is capable (always able to do or change something, whether its actions, thoughts, or otherwise. There’s always something we can control.)

Step 3 : changing your behavior

A therapist of mine introduced me to Eric Berne’s research relating to ego states, for a simplistic example.

An authoritative ego (”parent ego”) involves micromanaging, manipulation, and lecturing / interrogating / one-upping others. This can involve “saving” others, as long as there’s some kind of control on your part. “I’m ok and you aren’t”. This is negative and an unrealistic perception of reality.

A victim ego, a belief that you have absolutely no power in your situation. This can involve bargaining, negotiating, “why why why?”. Needing to know “why” comes from a desire to change the outcome. No power means you have to manipulate the situation. This results in a lot of impulsive behaviors. This specific ego is also called the “child ego”, or “you’re ok but I’m not”. Again, this is negative and an unrealistic perception of reality.

The third and final ego is the “adult ego state”. “I’m ok and so are you”. This involves recognizing your own worth, caring for yourself, and knowing the other person’s worth as well. Not the NPD projected worth, but true worth - as a human. The goal of this ego is to embody the message “I respect myself, but I also respect you”. Not leaning one way or the other, true fairness. It’s not fair when someone respects themselves but not the other, and vice versa. Any interaction lacking value ends up negative for someone, and embeds itself into the cells of said person - often forming or reinforcing negative beliefs.

You can’t “cure” the disorder by being nice, but you can control the outcomes and how you treat others. You can’t become healthier if you’re putting others or yourself down. It never works like that. Take responsibility for your actions, it’s not your job to make sure other people do the same. No blame, you control yourself and that’s all. Practice replacing / countering your negative thoughts with positive and truthful thoughts, observe the outcome. Changing the thoughts that would normally spiral into negativity will help stop the problem before you convince yourself that it’s too extreme to deal with anymore.

TLDR : You can control yourself. It’s hard, and will take years before it becomes an unconscious habit - and even then you’ll still have to practice awareness. When interacting with other people, make sure your words and behavior says “I respect myself, but I also respect you”.