"I'm no dummy, I know that brings voters out."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Comfortably back in his Trump Towers apartment, alleged billionaire and Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump had time to reflect on the events of the week. The 2016 Republican National Convention is over, he’s the nominee, and this morning he told reporters that the “absolute friggin’ highlight” of the week was seeing his daughter Ivanka’s speech introducing his own speech Thursday night.

“I’ve never seen Ivanka look so smart,” Trump said, “or so friggin’ hot! Did you guys see how friggin’ hot she looked? Smokin’!” Trump held out his right hand with his middle, ring, and pinkie finger raised, the forefinger and thumb making a tiny, tiny circle. “A-OK, fellas,” Trump said, “A-O-friggin’-kay!”

The orange-tinged titan of Bankruptcy Court told the press that he had “known all along that Ivanka is the key to winning this whole friggin’ thing.” He said that while a lot of Americans might find his “open, honest, and unhinged, nationalistic conspiracy theory-fueled bullshit” style of speaking “off-putting, weird, and lame,” that once people “get their balls — er eyeballs — on Ivanka,” he’d have the election “in the bag.”

“That’s the best part of having a hot daughter,” Trump said, “besides you know, having a super-duper hot daughter. It’s being able to trot them out like show ponies and make people maybe forget you’re feeding them a line of Grade-A bullshit. Because, you know, they’ll be checking out your hot ass daughter instead of hearing the words come out of her pie hole.”



Mr. Trump was not just focused on the outer qualities of his daughter’s beauty, he said. He was also “proud, and more than a little turned-on” by her intellectual acumen.

“Oh, she looked smart. Way friggin’ smart,” Trump said proudly, a smile beaming from his face. “That’s why we put her hot little ass out there,” the D-List realityTV star turned legitimate candidate for the presidency continued, “She goes out, we turn on the wind machine, she does a little spin on the stage and shows off that cute dumper, and then bing-bang-boom, I’m president.”









Trump said he is planning to “ride Ivanka’s great ass all the way to the White House” this fall.

“I’m no dummy,” Trump said, “I know that brings voters out. So we’ve scheduled to have Ivanka come with me to every single campaign stop. It’s going to be a very intimate, very plush, very luxurious time in my jet, crisscrossing the country. I plan to ride Ivanka’s great ass all the way to the White House, you bet.”

Current polling shows presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton holding comfortable leads over Trump nationally and in many states.

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