My wife schedules sex once a week. Foreplay is mainly spent on arousing her, and she will always climax before penetration. After sex, I am left empty and regretful as I feel I am just servicing her. I want to experiment and I have tried to talk about it but she refuses to listen. I am close to resolving this by simply waiting for her to instigate things, which I doubt would ever happen. I love her dearly and am very attracted to her and I always want to put my feelings after those of my wife and children, but I am beginning to doubt how much longer I can do this.

You are being overaccommodating. Many people erroneously believe selflessness is always a good thing. But rather, a balance of power urgently needs to be achieved between you and your wife – and not just regarding sex. It is important to clearly let your wife know what you need, and ask for some compromise. I suspect that you allow her to have control over most aspects of your life together – and this would be OK if it did not leave you feeling sad and resentful. It’s time to openly discuss the unspoken contract between you; let her know your true feelings about things you perceive to be unbalanced or unfair, and listen to her feelings and rationale as well. Your future happiness and the welfare of your relationship depends on your ability to negotiate a better connection in which there is a greater sense of fairness for you both. Remember that your children are unconsciously aware of your reluctant passivity and consequent unhappiness; by example, teach them healthy self-assertion.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms