CHICAGO—In what authorities are calling the largest underground anthropomorphic-monster-breeding bust in several decades, the Chicago Police Department freed over 2,000 Southpaws Friday from an illegal White Sox mascot mill on the city’s southwest side. “We received repeated complaints from locals who mentioned excessive noise and a strong, unpleasant odor coming from this old warehouse, so we went down into the basement and found all these poor Southpaws in a small dark room. Makes your stomach turn,” said Officer Travis Gomez, who shared departmental video of the investigative team kicking down the warehouse door to reveal thousands of furry, green plush monsters, some of them less than a full season in age, all tightly confined to a cramped, low-ceilinged room without adequate lighting or ventilation. “It was really hard to see. Some of the pups tipped the scales at only 30 or 40 baseballs, a far cry from the 621 a healthy Southpaw should weigh. The adults were obviously far too malnourished to climb on top of a dugout and dance, let alone engage in a three-legged race with kids from a game-day crowd, and the females were almost broken from being kept pregnant for years on end. We’re hoping they can find a home with different minor league franchises out there, but Southpaws are pretty aggressive, so it’ll take some adjustment. Many will probably wind up with ECHL hockey teams.” Gomez urged those looking to adopt any mascot to make sure they obtain them from a reputable breeder.

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