#10) You’re sure it wasn’t you that downloaded that Brady Bunch Skin set, right?

#9) Your desktop has been redone in Windows’ “Rose” theme. *Yuck!*

#8) You’ve discovered over 50 separate installations of AOL on your hard drive.

#7) You reach for your mouse and discover nail polish along with Monistat 7 resting beside it.

#6) Your ICQ list seems to be filled with Quakers from the “Bitches Over 40” Clan.

#5) Quake 2 has that “not so fresh” feeling.

#4) Your Dad complains while on dinner dates your Mother casually executes waiters in a hostile fashion to “Watch those bastards bleed like in Sin” as she puts it.

#3) You find the icon “Mom’s_nuker_to_fix_those_low_ping_bitches” on your desktop.

#2) Your Mom starts to bitch about Zoid’s physics change in the Quake 2 3.15 patch.

And Finally… The Number One Sign That Your Mom Has Been Enjoying Some DM Action:

#1) You notice the nick “AlcoholicHouseWifeInDenial” has been added to your GameSpy Buddy List.

The Top 10 Signs That You’re Not Quite The Gamer You Used To Be

by: Robby Bryant

#10) Two Words: “Keyboard Quaker.”

#9) You explain to your nephew Billy that if PacMan were in fact around, he would beat Duke Nukem’s ass.

#8) “Where are the nazis?!? Where are the PHREAKIN NAZIS?!?”

#7) You consider 486’s the “Wave of the Future.”

#6) 8 MEGS OF RAM?!?! 8 MEGS OF RAM?!? WHY IN GOD’S NAME WOULD YOU NEED 8 MEGS OF RAM?”

#5) When asked of your opinion of Quake you reply, “It registered a 5.0 on my richter scale, I tell you what!”

#4) IRC locals have labeled you “The Gimp.”

#3) You miss the old days, when men were men, and they ate dots, rather than quarreling with shotguns.

#2) Max Pain?!? Max Pain!!! Do NOT bring up my rectal exam!

And Finally… The Number One Sign That You’re Not Quite The Gamer You Used To Be:

#1) You preset macros to yell “Lag!!!” every time your player is killed!!

The Top 10 Other Reasons 3D Realms Made The Engine Switch From Quake 2 To Unreal

by: Robby Bryant

#10) Nick Shaffner got tired of downloading those damn never-ending Quake 2 point releases and patches.

#9) Bigger polygon count = Bigger boobs for strippers.

#8) During map compilation with the Quake 2 engine, 3D Realms level designers actually had time to “relax”, and George Broussard didn’t like that!

#7) Ed Wardo, 3D Realms’ janitor, corrupted the engine code after catching a virus from downloading elf pr0n.

#6) These guys wanted advanced AI for strippers… UnrealScript takes them to new “pants removing levels,” complete with lap dances.

#5) The programmers and artists at 3D Realms had trouble editing out those damn opening Quake 2 animations every time they tried to start up Duke Nukem Forever.

#4) QUAKE EDITING SUCKS! (Insert Hailing Here)

#3) Why have Quake 2 netplay when you can have “Unreal” netplay? ;D

#2) Brian Cozzens accidentally sat on the Quake 2 source code CD!

And Finally… The Number One Other Reasons Behind The Duke Nukem Forever Engine Change:

#1) 3D Realms’ developers had seen enough shades of brown after visiting their favorite local Tex-Mex restaurant… let alone look at Quake 2.

https://web.archive.org/web/20010408213306/http://www.3dportal.com:80/features/top10/index.html