Confused Chris Grayling panic-buying wallpaper

Professional idiot and part-time MP Chris Grayling has been preparing for the onslaught of Covid-19 by buying thousands of rolls of wallpaper.

Some people are preparing for the coronavirus by staying calm, avoiding infected areas and practising good personal hygiene.

Others are foolishly panic-buying vast quantities of household items, albeit products that will eventually be used, such as toilet paper.

Then there’s Chris Grayling who’s cleared out the interior decorating aisle of several branches of B&Q.

“As soon as I heard the news that people were stockpiling rolls of paper I knew I had to act fast!” said an excitable Grayling.

“I’ve got all bases covered.”

“Liner wallpaper, printed wallpaper, vinyl, foil, flock, bamboo… one of them is bound to be the coronavirus’ Achilles heel.

“I know it sounds selfish but ultimately you have to protect your family.

“The children are now safely wrapped head to toe in a rather fetching wood-imitation vinyl – it’s completely non-breathable so no virus will be able to get at my precious ones!

“For my wife, I’ve gone with an embossed design – it’s paintable which helps with the camouflage. I’ve made her all nice and green and dumped her at the bottom of the garden. Covid-19 will never find her now!

“As for me, well I have to stand guard. I will therefore be wearing a suit made entirely out of fibreglass wallpaper – helps to prevent damp as obviously I’ll never be able to go to the toilet again.

“You see, where the Chinese went wrong is that they have a massive wall but they didn’t paper it – of course it’s going to be a hotbed of readily transmittable disease!

“Well, I’m not making that mistake! If you’ve got any sense you’ll get yourself down to Wickes before they swipe the lot.”