We had two children. We were having a third. We owned a Honda CR-V with a backseat and ample trunk space. Back in the 1970s, this car could have accommodated a family of five. You could throw all three children in the back, forget to buckle their seat belts, and then haul ass to Caldor, throwing hot-dog wrappers out the window every quarter mile. Those were the golden days of parenting, when you could endanger your children’s safety without other folks being judgmental assholes.

In 2012, you cannot get away with this kind of car if you have three kids. No fucking way. Standard child car seats are now roughly the width of a regulation NBA court. And your children are forced by law to stay in them forever, until they’re either 35 years old or 350 pounds (whichever comes first). Car-seat manufacturers and carmakers have gathered in their underground troll caverns and devised a way of tricking us into buying a progressively larger car every five years, to fit the piles and piles of shit we cram into them as the by-product of being a standard American consumer pigdog. My wife and I are two such pigdogs. Thus, we needed a larger car. Not just a car. We needed a minivan.

The Van-ifesto

Make Sure the Foldaway Third Row is Easy to Fold Away *

Car salesmen make this look very simple, because they do it every day and thus have developed superhuman foldaway strength. Your first attempt will not be so effortless. Make sure your old lady is using the can when you try so that she can’t see you struggle.

Don’t Pay a Ton More for the Built-In DVD Player.*

A 2012 Toyota Sienna XLE costs roughly $5,000 more than a more basic model. And really, all you’re paying for is a DVD player to shut your kids up on long trips. Buy the lesser model, then spring for a dual-screen Philips car DVD player, which costs just over a hundred bucks and can be mounted on the headrest. Or be a douchebag parent and buy your kid an iPad.

Check the Latch System for Installing the Car Seats.*

Sometimes the little metal loop buried within the crease of the backseat is hard to reach. This will result in hours of you wincing in pain and screaming_ "FUCK!"_ in your driveway while trying to get your Britax car seat in. Bring it to the dealer and install it during a test-drive to make sure it goes in easy.