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Our movie is going to open with something pleasant. Quiet. Unassuming. Cillian Murphy having a nap, Barbara and her annoying brother going for a drive, Milla Jovovich dressed in mildly inappropriate fashion not conducive to fighting dogs that seem to be inexplicably wrapped in bacon. And then pretty soon a zombie is going to run out of nowhere all "bwaaggh blarr gwaaah" and try to eat someone's head and it's all downhill from there for our hero as he or she assembles a few survivors who slowly dwindle down to a couple of people by the end as everyone else is torn asunder and zombified. It's so much like a road trip to Detroit, you have no idea.

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The biggest problem in the zombie world for you, a non-zombie, is becoming a zombie. You don't want that. It probably sucks horribly. How often do you think zombies have sex? Never. Not ever. Because their bits and bobs are rotten and ill-suited to the task. That sucks. So you want to avoid zombies. The downside, of course, is that zombies want to eat you, right? But do they?

We take it for granted in the genre now that some things are generally standard. Zombies are reanimated corpses. They lack the mental faculties of a living person and are driven only by base hunger, like customers at an Arby's, willing to eat anything. But if all they want to do is eat you, why are there so many zombies around?

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You never see half-eaten zombies in movies. Sure, you'll see the odd legless zombie, like that cool one in the first season of The Walking Dead that Rick puts out of its misery instead of mounting it on the hood of his car like the most badass hood ornament in the history of ever, but why are so many fully intact, barring the odd trauma and pasty, creeper eyes? If zombies are eating people, shouldn't heavily populated areas be littered with stripped-bare corpses? Dirty, gnawed skeletons all over the place and such? That would make sense, especially in densely populated areas like cities. For every abandoned car burning on the side of the road, there should at least be one body eaten down to stubs and giblets. Instead, zombies seem to attack people, have a nibble, and then like disinterested partygoers faced with a crappy hors d'oeuvre platter, they move on. If you're that hungry, eat your damn meal, you dirty zombie. But they never do. Why is that?