JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him. “For the love of God, someone—anyone—please, just tackle him,” said Kern, pleading for some kind of divine intervention to stop the oncoming runner as he began weaving in and out of defenders and making his way up the sideline. “Christ, why didn’t I just kick it out of bounds? Maybe if I start running over in that direction, someone will just block me. Fuck, Marqueston [Huff] just missed a tackle on him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” At press time, Kern’s mind went blank and a sudden wave of adrenaline rushed through his body as he lowered his head and delivered a fierce hit that knocked Greene out of bounds at the 15-yard line.

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