Do you ever wake up, attempt to brush your teeth and notice a complete potato in the bathroom mirror? Do you always feel like staying in bed, watching The Kardashians and eating duck fat flavoured chips? Are you scared of being in public because someone will discover and call you out for being a complete potato? Well, you are not the only one who lives with this horrible but oh-so-sweet syndrome.

Let me tell you what you can do in order to still seem attractive to normal people:

Pretend you care about society. You can even do a degree in public relations and become a diplomatic service officer. But be aware, you need to learn words like: Obamacare, social constructionism and tom cruise. Google ‘clothes for people who succeed’ on a regular basis, print out three new images a month, go to a local thrift store. Rule. When choosing food, follow a 36–39 year old Karen in the supermarket, buy every second item she chooses. Enrol into a local free Sunday yoga class. Always come late and pretend to be really disappointed when there are no spaces left. Eat the baguette you hid earlier in your yoga matt roll. Pick a bar that smells like your hipster neighbour Jonah. Show up there every 4th day so people think you are spontaneous because you come on different week days. At work, express interest in what Chastity has done over the weekend, even though it is always the same horse riding-beach lovin’-joy filled bullshit story.

Being a potato is a tough business but with some effort, you can totally seem attractive. Sometimes.