You know that song by Usher called Confessions? Yeah, me neither. So I googled it – turns out there is not just one set of Usher-ed confessions, but two. Which is weird because I’m pretty sure the only thing Usher has ever done that’s worth of confessing is being the smuggest little bitch on earth and owning a minor share of the Cleveland Cavaliers. (I’m googling so hard these days. So hard.) I’ll give him a mulligan for the Justin Bieber debacle because I heard it was a really tough pregnancy for Usher and the Biebs was a stillborn for the first 14 years. I mean, thank goodness Usher was a true Belieber, huh? (SOMEONE TAKE AWAY MY GOOGLING PRIVLEGES NOW.)

Just get me to the recipe. Even though your upcoming rap is fantastic.

Anyways, I digress. Confessions is the theme of this post and recipe for Red Beans and Cauliflower Rice. It has to do with my short stint living (mostly in a catatonic state on a couch in front of Netflix) in New Orleans. So, without further adieu, these are my confessions…

These are my confessions.

I hate the food in New Orleans.

Take away that Po Boy and just kick me in the shins.

These are my confessions.

I hate the butter and everything creamed,

The fried fish and even the rarely steamed.

I can’t be bothered with crawfish

And the tourists orgasming “So delish!”

Every anything that you can slather or drench

Is not legitimized just by calling it “French.”

You can powder your heart out of that basket of beignets

And I still won’t take it along with your gallons of Café Au Laits.

Muffalettas and oysters and seafood cheesecakes

(No but seriously, seafood cheesecake is something someone actually makes)

I’ll take none of them, please and thanks.

Fuck it, I’ll just go vegetarian and pseudo vegan and join the ranks

Of the 2-3 people who’ve ever had the good fate

Of living in New Orleans and losing weight. But the Bloody Mary’s are pretty good.

These are my confessions.

Just like Usher when he confessed that he’s a total douchebag in verse, I feel so relieved now. Like a big fat buttered weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. So there you go. That’s what pushed me to get rid of meat, chicken, fish, bread, butter, cream, and most things that ooze with other things and purge them from my diet. In fact, that was probably the first time I ever considered referring to what I ate as a “diet” and not just “things to put in my mouth hole.” And because I was living in New Orleans at the time, I got really into eating oatmeal. And raisins. Maybe some nuts. Who the fuck knows because that was mostly what was left. Allow me to present this link my New Orleans residing dad sent me recently as proof on the matter, poetically titled “Vegans are not aliens!”

And that’s my very long, rapper’s delight explanation of being in that minority of people who get physically depressed after consuming New Orleans fare.

So it makes perfect sense that today’s recipe is…

New Orleans fare.

SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL A BOX OF KLEENEX AND A PINT OF FROZEN KEFIR.

No, no, no I’ll be okay. I clearly made this thing without butter or oil or meat or regrets. And it even tastes fucking superb. AND it’s easy. Just like your first New Orleans based episode of cardiac arrest that you’ll just refer to as “some voodoo bullshit” over a big plate of greased buttered alligator balls and maple syrup French fries. Did you just moan? Ew.





VEGAN RED BEANS and [CAULIFLOWER] RICE

6 big ol’ servings

Red Beans recipe adapted from an All Recipes recipe from the user “MIAMI BEACH.” K.

Cauliflower Rice recipe straight up from Elana’s Pantry

ingredients:

RED BEANS

2 tablespoons of vegetable stock or water

½ medium onion (150g), diced



½ green bell pepper (100g), diced

1 ½ cups diced celery (150g)

3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 14oz can of diced tomatoes

2 15oz cans of red beans, drained from their goo (I used a can of small and a can of large. Did not disappoint.)

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

1 teaspoon oregano

½ – 1 teaspoon creole/cajun seasoning

½ teaspoon cayenne

¼ teaspoon ground black pepper

½ – ¾ salt

2 8oz packages of ground seitan (I use WestSoy)

CAULIFLOWER RICE

½ medium onion (150g), diced



1 ½ cups dice celery (150g)

2 cloves of garlic

1 head of cauliflower, cut into florets

Make some red beans…

In a large pot, heat up your vegetable stock or water over medium heat. Cook the onions, celery, bell pepper, and garlic for 3-5 minutes or until they’re soft and cooked and yum. Add the can of diced tomatoes and both cans of red beans. Stir it all about. Add in the paprika, oregano, cajun seasoning, cayenne, salt, and pepper. Bring to a boil then down to a simmer, cover and cook for 30 minutes. You can let this mix simmer for much longer if you like – the flavors will just keep getting better.

Uncover, mix all about, adjust the seasonings as you see fit, and add the seitan crumbles. Bring to a boil again then down to a simmer, cover and cook for another 30 minutes. Adjust seasonings if you need to.

Make your cauliflower rice while your seitan is simmering…

Throw your onion, celery, and garlic into a food processor and pulse a few times til everything is relatively minced. Heat a tablespoon or two of water in a wok or big skillet or whatever over medium heat. Add the onion/celery/garlic mixture and saute for 10 minutes or so.

In a food processor, pulse the cauliflower florets in manageable parts until the pieces are, you know, rice kernel sized. Add the cauliflower to the skillet with the onions and stuff, cover and cook for 5-10 minutes. Salt a tad.

Serve ¾ – 1 cup or so of red beans (I’m bad at counting/eyeballing/counting-eyeballing) over a cup of cauliflower rice. Eat. Savor just how not morbidly obese you are from eating this meal.

NUTRITION



