How to Not Betray Your Introverted Self When Searching For Love

There was a pick up line I was told to use years ago when I was first figuring out my dating life as an introvert. It was in an Night Club I visited when I was in Africa for work.

The line was supposed to be funny, but also convey “my higher status simply because I was an American”. I wish I could say I felt like a douche saying it back then. But at the time I had no other alternatives. I wanted to impress her and figured everyone outside of the United States loved us. But I do feel like a douche now admitting that I said that line.

Back then, the concept of accepting my natural personality wasn’t a concept. No one told me I by simply working on enhancing my own characteristics and accepting who I was, I wouldn’t have to rely on tactics or lines.

The frustrating part is that this uncertainty drives many introverts insane because they pretend to be an extrovert when attempting to find love. They go to parties or environments that pushes them out of their comfort zone and make them do things they’re not comfortable with. They struggle with simple decisions such as determining who ‘exciting they should by’, ‘how to show they’re exciting’ and ‘how to impress an entire room’.

Should it be the night clubs? Or perhaps Julie’s party? As introverts, it’s not the problem that we assume we’ll find love in an environment filled with people. It’s believing we have to change ourselves and our daily routines just to find the love of our life.

I once made the mistake of pretending I was a party animal to get a girl’s attention. Sure, I managed to date her. But at the cost of going out every night and spending more energy than what I could afford.

Let me ask you this: Why would you ever want to change the way you behave just to get someone’s affection? If they’re happy with you but you’re not happy with yourself because you know you’re living a lie, can you really consider that happiness? Why would you put in the effort to change the way you naturally behave in exchange for someone who’s naturally living an extroverted lifestyle?

The idea of finding a girlfriend at a Nightclub seems amazing. But let’s say you won a girl’s heart from a Nightclub called ‘Scream N’ Go’. Although you assume you won the battle and it’s all over, the love of your life is going to expect to go out with you Friday and Saturday night. And there’s three routes you’re going to find yourself facing.

A. You tell her you don’t want to go and possibly endanger the relationship because you’re not giving her the excitement she assumed she’ll receive dating you.

B. Make her realize you’re not the party animal she hoped for and cause her to possibly leave you.

C. Allow her to accept you for who you are and watch Netflix that night.

Although the majority of us would love for scenario C to happen, deep in our hearts we know there would only be a 5% chance of that happening.

How would this decision affect your life? That you choose to betray your introverted self in exchange for a chance to find love and lose it just as fast.

Before you shoot the messenger, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with dating an extrovert. My partner is an extrovert and we manage to make it work extremely well.

She respects my boundaries as an introvert as I respect her boundaries as an extrovert. While I’m reading or surfing the net, she’s exploring the Safaris or Los Angeles. I act as her reminder that it’s okay to stay in the house and relax as she acts as the reminder I need that there’s an outside world.

The problem I see are introverts who believe they have to act a certain way to gain the affection they desire. I love quiet places, but if I’m going to find love, I need to go to a Nightclub called ‘Hot and Heavy’ and hope some girl falls into my arm so I can charm her with my listening skills. Or, I want to find love at this Museum I like to visit but every woman there might be too busy, so I’ll just visit this Dubstep concert.

These excuses we give ourselves pushes us away from our own environments and can really screw our chance of actually finding love. Because the way we find love is usually through our ability to listen and charm others with our natural witty comebacks. It’s not playing the charisma king who can charm 10 people simultaneously.

Chasing the extrovert lifestyle is something we do when we assume our introvert selves aren’t good enough to attract anyone. Which is why I wanted to point out some heavy reminders to give yourself the next time you’re at home questioning your next decision.

Not Giving a Duck

You may be more familiar with the phrase, “Not giving a Fu#$,” but I’d rather stay away from that word and keep this rated PG. So I’m going to use Duck in its place.

“Not giving a Duck” is a popular tactic because when you decide you are “not going to give a Duck” what you are really doing is not internalizing a woman’s lack of interest.

When a girl isn’t into you, it stings. So what does not giving a Duck do? Makes it sting less. Such as the way I replaced the F-bomb for a cute diction, you can replace a woman’s lack of interest as a Duck’s face.

But somethings not giving a duck works. It often doesn’t work for me.

In fact, I do give a Duck more than I’d like to admit. I certainly give a Duck when a girl wants to go on a date with me. I want her to know I’m happy to share that moment with her. I’m also happy to be brutally honest with her and be clear on what I want in life. If that matches with what she wants, awesome, if not, that’s ok too.

“Not giving a Duck” can have negative effects. If you “never give a Duck” you are lacking the capacity to connect on a deeper human level. You subconsciously push people away. Sometimes it’s required to “give a Duck” and put yourself on the line.

ESPECIALLY introverts. Doesn’t it seem silly that we really shine with one on one connection, but we’re also supposed to “not give a Duck” when given the chance?

The Art of Being Tactical

I know a lot of you are pretty young here. High school and college age. I’m not too far ahead of you, I’m only 25.

I see a lot of stuff in the world of dating advice that is very tactical based. Truth be told, a lot of tactics do work. I’ve actually tested out a few of them. You can “neg” a girl and she will think your higher status, and maybe you can hook up with her later.

Except intelligent women who value and hold themselves to a higher standard. That’s what you aren’t taught. Sure, you can hook up with as many emotionally empty, approval seeking women as you want. If that’s your goal, you’re probably on the right track.

I’m not here to say who’s right and wrong. What didn’t work for me with pick up artist material is that I’m an analytical introvert. Sometimes I get TOO MUCH in my head. I don’t feel natural walking up to large groups of people and starting a conversation.

I also felt like a total tool using other people’s words and routines.

But you know what? I found a lot of success with not only dating and women, but my social life.

The Art of Rejection

The term “rejection” is completely ridiculous when it comes to dating or relationship advice. Rejection is a term used in business. What High School seniors face when their college admission deny them. Authors trying to get their book published get rejected because it needs improvement. Networks who pitch their reality show idea in LA get rejected because it’s not trashy enough for MTV.

When a girl isn’t into you. she’s not into you. No big deal.

Rejection is a choice YOU make about the event. If you want to decide that you are ugly, not funny enough, or not confident enough because a girl simply wasn’t interested, that’s your choice.

Or you can wake up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around you and stop taking it personally.

She’s not into me? Thank you for not letting us waste each other’s time. The LAST thing I want is a date out of pity. Trust me, it isn’t worth it.

The Act of Desperation

The interesting thing about desperation is that it creeps into our lives one hit at a time. Just like a crack addict slowly sacrifices who they are just to get one more hit. It’s no different for guys wanting to figure out how to connect with women.

It’s not easy to admit desperation. It feels dirty, and we want to keep up our appearance of being strong and holding it together. After all, that’s being “alpha” isn’t it?

When I was still single and I found out my friend had just gotten laid, I felt incredibly jealous. Of course I cheered him on like any good friend should but it ate me alive.

“Duck! What am I doing wrong? I HAVE to get laid soon or else I will fall behind.”

I started reading more pick up artist material, watch people from Real Social Dynamics and I started treating getting girls like it was some kind of numbers game.

“Tonight it will happen. I just need the perfect line and mix of whiskey and I’ll nail it!”

I never nailed it.

It’s a numbers game

Actually, no it isn’t.

It’s a numbers game if you are desperate, try the same thing every time and spray and pray when you go out to parties. These are the common mistakes that I see the most.

Using the same line and routine every time is a numbers game

Getting really hammered hoping you say the perfect string of funny lines and witty remarks is a numbers game.

Logging onto Tinder and following a copy and pasted formula that some other guy used on his vacation in Hawaii is a numbers game.

It’s NOT a numbers game when you have value to add to the world and to women. It’s NOT a numbers game when you find out what kind of women you’re into, and what kind of women are into you.

Maybe you like to joke and prefer a woman who doesn’t have a strict attitude and no humor. Maybe you’re more comfortable with someone who likes to spend their time at home watching Netflix instead of stumbling out of some random nightclub.

It’s NOT a numbers game when you stop treating social interactions with other people as if it’s a zero sum game.

If you’re always looking to gain or add another notch to your belt with women, you will never win.

Create An Environment You Thrive In

Get involved with group environments where you have common interests. List all the activities you like to do, then search for groups on sites like meetup.com.

And if you’re searching for environments to find potential partners, check out:

How to Find a Date as an Introvert

If you can’t find a group for something you like, then start one. If you like going hiking, find a hiking group. If you like playing video games, go to the next Comic Con. Whatever it is, find a group that you can connect with.

For You Analytical Introverts

You know you’re good at one on one connection. You know you aren’t the best at the first wave of conversation. There’s nothing more annoying than being in a group environment where you have to share your attention span with several other people.

For introverts, all it takes is for you to get in your zone. The zone where it’s one on one, and you’re sitting with her at the coffee shop, and she realizes that you can listen and connect in such a unique way she hardly ever experiences.

It’s not approaching someone in a bar or nightclub and persuading her to like you over the sound of loud music and obnoxious people. It’s approaching someone where your amazing personality and interest in her is the main attraction.

You don’t have to change who you are. You don’t need to become more outgoing or extroverted. You just need to set yourself up for success.

Stop Doing Things YOU Don’t Want To Do

If you hate going to the bars or networking events and go because you feel like you have to meet women there, stop. Create the life that you want.

I am still terrible at meeting people in loud environments with excessive alcohol. For a while I tried to improve. Then I realized that I’d rather put my head through a window than try to talk to one more drunk girl about her psychology major.

Now I do activities I like. It’s a lot easier for me to meet people when I know they are there for similar reasons. There was a time where I joined a writing group, a group of artists, and even a dance group.

For similar Posts, check out:

The Introvert’s Guide To Seduce Someone

The EASIEST Way To Approach Someone You Like and Get Over Rejection

12 Best Self Development Books For Relationships