The following is a heavily edited guest post from N-Dog.

I remember walking down a long driveway.

Weeping willows arched over the start of a steep decline and I began to sense evil.

It was like some…thing lived here that possessed an absolute disregard for the rules.

Remember Frodo in the first Lord of the Rings, when he looks down that path and senses the ring-wraith?

That’s how it felt walking towards Rude-R’s new flat.

Despite the perpetual feeling of dread, I continued walking and was soon met by a symphony of metal on metal clanging, heavy breathing, and grunts. Rude R was working down in the carport, to the right of the bottom of the drive.

I discovered he’d just finished crafting a bong. It was a 1.5L coke bottle, with one end of a piece of garden hose stuck through a melted hole, and a 10mm socket hammered into the other end.

“HUHUHUHU,” he greeted me, with a proud and menacing grin on his face.

He reached out to shake my hand and I slapped it away. I knew what to expect from many long years of friendship with this wildebeest.

“Alright, Grub,” he said.

This meant it was time to stock up on some sticky icky, as he’d run low selling some to his step brother. We jumped into his Audi, as the Camry had died after Rude-R had performed an ‘engine flush’. His method was to drain the oil from the sump, stick the garden hose where the new oil goes in and proceed to run water through the entire block. In his mind this would suitably ‘clean it out’.

Rude-R sure loved sticking hoses in things…

Unfortunately one part of the Camry had survived, and that was the piles of rubbish that had been shifted from one car to another. I felt sorry for the guys in the mall carparks that have to clean his car out once every 6 months.

We boosted off, down to Rude R’s local supplier.

“HUHUHUHU got the gold mate?” he said as we walked in to the tinny house.

The dealer, obviously familiar with his unusual behaviour, was quick to give him what he wanted and told us in no uncertain terms to leave straight away.

Back at the rude residence, we took a quick walk down through some trees to the main house.

It was dope.

We tested his new bong on a huge deck overlooking a creek full of quacking ducks and splashing eels. His creation was unsurprisingly sub-par, even for a home-made piece. The hose was way too long so you’d risk lighting your hair on fire while sparking it because the cone-piece (10mm socket) was so close to your face.

Amateur.

Regardless, it did the job, albeit dangerously. We retired to the lounge which was equipped with copious amounts of fairy lights and a fireplace surrounded by cushions.

Curiously romantic, I thought.

Rude-R had managed to score a room here through his church connections and what I figured was more than an adequate dose of sympathy for his parent’s divorce. I wanted to check if there was L&Pee in the fridge yet, but resisted the temptation.

We hung out for a little while, but soon he began to show me various ‘toys’ he had purchased from Ali Express. He went on about the anal beads, nipple pegs and vibrating panties, but I was forced to explain my lack of interets in his fetishes.

I got ready to leave as it was becoming dark and the paranoia of being alone in a house with Rude-R and his sex toys was setting in. I said goodbye and he replied that he was going to have a big fat cone. He put on a head-mounted torch and followed me out to say goodbye, and smoke.

I left Rude-R standing outside the house and headed towards the sharply inclining driveway. A car came down and went past me towards the house. I recognised the driver as the hot daughter of a lady Rude R was flatting with, and waved. She must have been exhausted from her night shift at the local PAK’nSAVE, as she didn’t seem to notice me.

I remembered what Rude-R was about to get up to, so I stuck around in case there was drama to witness.

Rude-R was just packing a big fat nugget as she parked up and exited the vehicle. The way the exterior was laid out, he hadn’t noticed her until she was walking towards the front door. She saw the light from his head and squinted to see who it was. He saw her and scampered off into the bushes, flight winning over fight yet again. She understandably freaked out because a strange creature with a torch had just run off into the backyard.

She ran inside and locked the door while he watched from the bushes, big bottle bong in hand. He crept underneath the balcony, thinking it was a good spot to hide while he smoked himself in to another dimension. In the meantime the flatmate/mother had come home and the daughter must have explained that there was some creeper outside because they both stepped out onto the deck, unaware that Rude-R was perving around beneath them.

It didn’t take long for them to smell it. While the two women sniffed loudly and questioned where that smell was coming from, Rude-R decided the best course of action would be to poke his head out over the top of the deck and in a high-pitched voice yell…

‘HEEEELLLLLLLLOOᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ!’

He was looking for a new flat the next week.