Brexiter who has never set foot in a museum insists nation fights to the death to keep Elgin marbles

Brexit voter Simon Williams is happy to see the nation go to war to keep hold of the Elgin marbles, in order to show Johnny Foreigner that Brexit Britain can’t be pushed around.

Williams, who has never set foot in a museum because ‘who wants to waste an afternoon seeing a load of old stuff’, said it was a matter of principle that Greece shouldn’t be allowed to dictate terms to us, because England beat them 4-0 in at Old Trafford in 2006.

He went on, “Now we’ve left the EU, these bloody Europeans should know their place, which is at our beck and call. It is not telling us what they want in order to give us a free trade deal. They’d be lucky to get a free trade deal from us!

“I don’t care if they think the Elgin marbles are theirs, and that the Turks had no right to ‘give’ them to us; if they want them back they’re going to have to pry them from my cold dead hands.

“Wait, what do you mean you can’t hold the Elgin marbles in your hands? Look, I played marbles at school and I could hold about eight of them in one hand even back then. Even the steelies, so don’t try and kid me about what they are.”

After being show photographs of the ‘marbles’, which refers to the material from which they are made, Williams said, “So this is about another load of old stuff? How are you supposed to play with them?

“It doesn’t matter, we won and it’s our old stuff, so sod them!”