RE: Job Ref no. 3947984HELPMEEEEEEEE

Dear Prime Minister,

May I call you Dave? Allow me to introduce myself – I am a consummate banking professional with a proven record of meeting deadlines, hitting targets and delivering excellent customer service. I can roll my tongue, order a hotdog in 17 languages and hold my breath for an hour and a half (so long as no-one pinches my nose).

I would like to put myself forward for the role of Deputy Prime Minister.

THIS IS WHY YOU NEED ME:

IN ADDITION, I WOULD NEVER:

Waste 38 pence on a Kit Kat chunky, only to claim it on expenses. Any chocolate connoisseur knows – the classic Kit Kat is vastly superior.

Be caught referring to a pensioner as “bigoted”. It’s the youth of today who need to buck their ideas up.

Be overheard jokily telling you that we have the same opinion on too many things. I agree with you on nothing.

Please wish Nick Clegg all the best for me with his Ostrich Farm venture in Dorset.

As the strongest candidate for the job, I thoroughly recommend you hire me now.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

Jessica M