So with all the hullabaloo around Nicky Hager’s book and this @Whaledump character drip-feeding us more and more information, a lot of people have been saying “oh this is all a sideshow” and that “Labour isn’t talking about policy because they have none”. So I thought I’d do a wee stocktake of the policies that have come out from the parties over the last few weeks. These have all been paraphrased by me, if you want to see what each party said about its policy you’ll have to visit its website. Also, this is not a comprehensive list. But just one to give you an indication of what each party stands for. If you’ve got something I’ve missed or misrepresented then please let me know.

Crime is bad! Tougher sentences!

No more race based policies, especially for Maori French Revolutionaries.

Fuck climate change.

Privatise ACC

NUKES

Top tax of 24c

Don’t let those Ministry of Education bastards run our schools. Give it to the Board of Trustees.

Bring back interest to student loans.

Drill baby drill

Immigrants! We love ’em if they come to work. But fuck ’em if they want a benefit.

Fuck the RMA.

TOLL ROADS.

Privatise welfare!

Giant surpluses! Richer children!

Top tax rate of 40c for those earning over $140,000

More focus on disabled people – closed captioning on ALL TV shows.

Paint Christchurch green (I think)

Moar buses! Moar trains! Moar on time!

Student Green Card (basically the Green’s base version of Winston’s Gold Card)

LEAVE MAUI’S ALONE

NO DRILLING. SHIPPING LANES. OIL BAD!

Making schools solar

20 hours ECE for 2 year olds.

Funding green research

Guarding rivers with their lives

Something something 3D Printing

Free healthcare up to 18 year olds

CARBON TAX! But you’ll be better off! I don’t know. Witchcraft?

The Green Bank. I don’t think this is a bank just for the Green Party, but rather an incubator for eco-friendly projects

Porn filters on the internet

NO CAPITAL GAINS TAX

Income splitting tax

We love fracking! If it’s done safely of course.

FREE TRADE!

Drug testing in workplaces

Free study if you’re studying science

You guys can figure it out yourselves, self regulation ahoy!

There’s a lot of “make stuff betterrer” i.e. improve this, strengthen that but the above are the highlights. UnitedFuture does have a complete manifesto though which you can read here (warning, does contain picture of bow-tied Peter Dunne)

Fewer MPs

MOAR EXPORTS (the irony of NZ First wanting to send NZ goods to other countries while at the same time not wanting other countries to send their people to ours amuses me)

State owned broadcasting! TVNZ + RadioNZ get merged

PRIVACY! IT’S IMPORTANT! Will review privacy act.

Separate ICT regulator

Armed Coast Guard

Binding referenda

Actually a surprisingly comprehensive policy on disability issues, I recommend you go read it

Compulsory savings

Tax incentives for R&D

Strict controls on foreign ownership of NZ stuff

20c business tax for exporters

BUY BACK THE ASSETS

NO CHARTER SCHOOLS

Higher royalties on mineral extraction

Abolish ETS and think about a replacement

You evade tax? WELL YOU’LL PAY

Assistance for first home buyers

NOT TOO MANY OLD IMMIGRANTS BECAUSE FUCK OLD PEOPLE AMIRITE?

Raise the minimum wage to $16 an hour

Minimum non-parole of 40 years if sentenced to life in prison

IT WILL BE ILLEGAL TO BE DRUNK IN TOWN

MOAR GUNS

No 1080 because won’t someone think of the children

No race-based policies

No raising of the superannuation age

ACC STAYS PUBLIC

Minimum wage of $18.80

Implement Universal Basic Income

BUY BACK THE ASSETS

Abolish GST, replace with Hone Heke tax (I shit you not)

Increased playcentre funding

Teacher:Student ratio of 1:15

Abolish university fees and provide UBI while studying

Develop plan to write off student debt

Incentivise graduates to work in areas where there are skill shortages

No fracking, no deep sea oil drilling

Coal free NZ by 2025, carbon neutral by 2050

Terminate all current free trade negotiations (including TPPA)

Withdraw all our soldiers from everywhere

No spying on anything

Eradicate diseases of poverty by raising incomes, investing in job creation, and improving the availability of quality, affordable housing

Ban tobacco importation and manufacture, cigarettes would come from prescription from pharmacies

Restrict advertising of unhealthy food

Repeal 90 day law, give workers minimum 10 sick days

Make paid parental leave 12 months

Abolish prisons, establish rehab centres

Free public transport!

Doubling Māori and Pasifika Trade Training from 3000 to 6000 placements per annum

Living wage of $18.80 per hour

Ummm that was pretty much all I could find for the Maori party

Build Auckland rail link NOW, pay 50:50 with Auckland council

No testing anything on animals.

$60 a week if you’ve got a new-born, plus 26 weeks paid parental leave pre-sprog

Free ECE to 25 hours

NO FAMILES COMMISSION, instead there’ll be a Ministry for Children. God I hope the Minister is a Child. So probably Chris Hipkins then.

Lower MMP threshold to 4%, abolish coat-tailing

R&D Tax credits

Introduce Capital Gains tax

Establish Chief Technology Officer, make a Digital Bill of Rights

Create incubators for small start-ups

Minimum wage of $16.25, unless you’re lucky enough to work for the Government! Then it’s $18.40. Take THAT private sector.

Increase the number of refugees into NZ (also their immigration policy is a lot less xenophobic than I thought)

NO FOREIGNERS BUYING OUR LAND YOU FILTHY FOREIGNERS (I’m looking at YOU James Cameron)

Help the world get rid of Nukes (for reals)

Free GP visits for old people and pregnant people!

100,000 new state houses

Repeal TICS and GCSB Bills

There’s actually a policy about decreasing violence against women

Govt to buy more Kiwi made stuff

Something really complicated and financey about monetary policy

Take a look at the gender pay gap

Not fire Judith Collins