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NO MORE MASTURBATION!

The Mormons have just announced. Love is indeed a battlefield. Self-love is all-out war.

In case you missed it, Brigham Young University has released a rather creepy anti-masturbation PSA that compares touching oneself to the horrors of war, because, you know, they’re so similar.

The video starts with Kim B. Clark, president of BYU and former dean of Harvard Business School (yes, really), telling the viewer that the “temptations of the great war are many,” the “great war” here being porn and jerking off. Then it cuts to a young man, who is “lonely and confused” and with “darkness in his eyes” watching porn with his door open, because that’s how we all watch porn, right? In some group house with the door open? One of his roommates observes and walks away.

Well, you see this young man is “spiritually wounded on the battlefield of the great war.” Cut again to him, you know, actually wounded on an actual battlefield. Watch for yourself:

Not to worry, the boy is eventually saved by his comrades in arms and transported back to modern day. Where, free from the pitfalls of masturbation, he’s now playing pool with his friends. Off to the side are some coeds, eating, laughing, and talking about girl things. Apparently, salvation lies in meeting girls, girls who play pool and drink non-caffeinated canned cola. I wonder where our veterans of World War II are with this equating of the fight to end tyranny and fascism with the fight of not getting through the day without touching yourself. Oddly, female masturbation gets no mention in this video. Ladies, I guess you’re in the clear.

In case you weren’t able to suss it out, BYU-Idaho is a university affiliated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Check out their rather detailed honor code here.

Whatever you do, don’t masturbate to this anti-masturbation video. That might cause a wrinkle in time, or at least cause Kim B. Clark to have a mini-stroke.

Give a voice to the voiceless!