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Election season in Somalia is in full swing.

Polls have encountered multiple delays, but this has not stopped candidates — ranging from those looking to boost their resume and public profile to serious contenders — from engaging in a carefully scripted public flirtation with office.

Putting aside the reality that only members of parliament will vote for president and serious candidates exchange bribes for votes, this is a step-by-step guide on #HowToRunForPresidentInSomalia.

Step 1: Make a grand entrance to campaign events in your chartered plane.

Step 2: Show that you have adoring (and possibly compensated) fans.

Step 3: Make sure you have an entourage. Walk with said entourage.

Step 4: Ride with said entourage.

Step 5: Blow yourself up (not like al-Shabaab…)

Step 6: Show them you love the elderly, the disabled, and the youths…

Step 7: Stay humble.

Step 8: Go to Yurub (ahem, Europe.) But not for tahriib!



Step 9: Create a website with all your achievements; but perhaps don’t forget to fill it out like the current president…

Step 10: Retweet yourself. The old-school way.

Step 11: *Think* about not being a man.

Step 12: Wear bling. SPARE NO EXPENSE.



Step 13: Remind your opponent of every mistake they ever made.

Step 14: Talk to ✌ The West ✌

Step 15: Did you mention you love the kids?

These steps won’t make you a good president — or even president. But it will make you look presidential. And sometimes, that’s all that matters.

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Categories: elections