My work colleagues all go for drinks on Friday nights after work. These tend to go on late and are expensive, as cocktails or multiple bottles of wine are consumed. I don’t drink and I don’t enjoy these events, but feel there is pressure on me to join in. Is there a way to refuse without damaging my standing with the team?

I’m sure it didn’t say “go out and get sauced” in your job description: you are certainly not obliged to spend time with colleagues after your work hours are over. I get it. How are you ever going to properly binge-watch Game Of Thrones if you spend all that precious time chatting up the people you see at work every single day?

I know it’s maddening, but a lot happens during these powwows. It’s a chance to get to know your co-workers more intimately, away from stress and deadlines. People relax and show another side of themselves, something lighter and more human. A person you thought humourless might show you their silly, goofy side; or maybe a colleague you pegged as vapid and one-dimensional is actually just shy and quite deep. Outside work, people open up in unexpected ways, and not taking the time to get to know them could be your loss.

But since you asked if there is any way to bow out without damaging your standing, I will also answer you on a strictly political level. No. You’ve been to enough of these things to know that when people get together, they gossip. Often it’s not malicious. People gossip for myriad reasons, but the most important one is to build stronger bonds, and out of these alliances are formed. Who do they gossip about? That’s right, the person who isn’t there. So don’t be that person on a regular basis.

Not drinking can be an advantage, because you can find out just about anything you would like to know from your more inebriated peers and, unlike them, you’ll remember what was said. Usually, drinks are ordered at the bar, so you can pay for your low-alcohol beverage and nurse it for a couple of hours. Buy a round on occasion, and no one will bother about you and your fizzy water.

If all of this seems too tiring and financially burdensome, then perhaps you should consider work that doesn’t involve social interaction. Learn how to code: if you get the urge to socialise, you can always go on Reddit and up-vote delightful cat videos.

• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com