Get ready, wrestling fans, because tonight is [BI-WEEKLY WWE PAY-PER-VIEW], where the Superstars® of World Wrestling Entertainment will settle their scores at the [CORPORATE SPONSOR NAME] Arena in [NORTH AMERICAN CITY].

The main event will see the dastardly [FOREIGN HEEL] square off against [AMERICAN PRETTY BOY] in a [PREPOSTEROUS GIMMICK] match.

The women of WWE will also do battle in a [MULTI-PERSON ELIMINATION MATCH OF SOME SORT], the winner of which will face [CURRENT CHAMPION] at [FUTURE GENERIC BI-WEEKLY PAY-PER-VIEW].

Here are the predictions from the expert team of Kayfabe News analysts:

[FORMER INDY DARLING] will score an upset victory over [OTHER FORMER INDY DARLING] in a thrilling match that will be relegated to the pre-show

[EVIL FOREIGNER] will defeat [AMERICAN PRETTY BOY] thanks to outside interference from [SMALLER EVIL FOREIGNERS]

[NO-NONSENSE TAG TEAM] will defeat [ALL-NONSENSE TAG TEAM] due to [METHOD OF CHEATING]

[HEEL COMMENTATOR] will belittle [NEW COMMENTATOR], to the chagrin of [OVERLY SERIOUS PLAY-BY-PLAY COMMENTATOR]

[UNDERDOG BABYFACE] will be attacked backstage by [MONSTER HEEL] while being interviewed by [PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN].

The fallout from tonight’s event will surely inspire tomorrow’s [25-MINUTE OPENING MONOLOGUE ON RAW] by [GLOATING OR COMPLAINING WRESTLER WHO WILL BE CONFRONTED MID-PROMO BY HIS NEMESIS].