SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that he did not need “a ton of fancy toppings,” local dad Dennis Metzger reportedly expressed frustration to his dining companions at the Boxcar Bar and Grill Wednesday, explaining that he just wanted to order a normal burger. “Is putting a regular, ordinary burger on the menu too much to ask?” said the 54-year-old father of three, who went on to state that a hamburger with ketchup and American cheese on a sesame seed bun was just fine without having to add a bunch of weird other stuff to it. “Everything on here has chipotle mayo or blue cheese or a toasted brioche bun or some kind of Cajun spice. And is regular lettuce suddenly not good enough anymore? Is that why they have seasonal microgreens, whatever the hell those are supposed to be?” Seconds later, reports confirmed Metzger had moved on from the burger menu and allowed his complete frustration to settle upon the restaurant’s exclusive selection of locally brewed craft beers.

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