Ernie Grunfeld hired Randy Wittman partially because of his inferior ivories.

Afternoon, Bullets Forever. My name’s CT Schwink and I host ZardCast, a weekly podcast (during the season) dedicated to the Washington Wizards. Last night we recorded an offseason edition of the pod, which you can listen to here if you so desire. In it, I pontificated about what banal life task is comparable to Ernie Grunfeld’s view of selecting basketball players in the second round of the NBA draft. For some reason I landed on using fluoride at the dentist, and thus, inspired a bit of fan fiction regarding everyone’s favorite, long-tenured NBA general manager.

It’s draft night in the NBA and the Washington Wizards have just completed a semi-audacious and completely out of character move of move up in the pecking order from 19 to 15, nabbing Kansas freshman Kelly Oubre Jr.

Ernie Grunfeld just wrapped up on the phone with Oubre and is now doling out handshakes and toothy grins. But behind those pearly whites lies an anxiety riddled hole in his soul. With the second round fast approaching, Grunfeld feels that hole slowly expanding. The edges of this hole crack, splinter and fall away as the Wizards inch closer to their 39th pick.

For Grunfeld, the draft is like going to the dentist.

Ernie Grunfeld loves the dentist. He loves the small talk with the cute dental hygienists. He loves the way it feels when the industrial strength floss wretches our AWOL particles of caviar and squash (his favorite summer time fare). He loves chatting up his dentist, and occasional golf partner, after the good doctor checks his chompers and proclaims, "Oh my Ernie, what great teeth you have!"

Grunfeld places such an emphasis on his personal dental and gum health, that one of the reasons he hired head coach Randy Wittman was because of his inferior ivories.

It’s well known around the Wizards’ front office that if photographed with non-player personnel, Grunfeld needs have superior teeth in the picture. This is actually one of the overarching, yet, little known reasons Randy Wittman was hired. Specifically for the situations like the one illustrated above.

It’s all a joy for him, much like the first round of the NBA draft.

Grunfeld loves the feeling of outsmarting his competitors and firing up the fan base. It’s his time to shine, much like his pilgrimages to his local dental office.

It’s the second round, though, that gets Grunfeld’s psyche in a knot.

To Grunfeld, the second round is the part of draft night is unnecessary. In his mind, it roughly equates to the most loathsome part of having his teeth serviced: fluoride.

"It’s really a superfluous step!" he routinely complains to the staff. "My insurance doesn’t even cover the extra $17 for this shit!"

Often times he refuses it, nervous about what’s REALLY in that blue cocktail. Once, Grunfeld even strong-armed his dentist into paying him $17 not to rise with fluoride. That strategy worked so well, he resolved to use it in practice during the second round of the 2014 NBA draft.

With both Grunfeld’s refusal of fluoride and his peddling of the Wizards’ 2014 second round pick for cash, Grunfeld was left with the same feeling: relief, but awareness this was only a temporary fix. Sooner or later he’d have to actually choose a living, breathing human being in the second round – and that he needs to swish that bullshit concoction around in his mouth for 30 seconds before he can get his sticker and a free tooth brush.

But on the night of the 2015 NBA draft, after he’d selected Oubre and as he felt that nervous hole in his soul slowly grow more cavernous, Grunfeld decided to hell with it all.

On June 25, 2015, Ernie Grunfeld decided he’d brush aside his apprehensions and overall disregard for the second round and draft a basketball player who might be of actual use. With the 39th pick, Grunfeld selected Aaron White from the University of Iowa.

Immediately after, Grunfeld scheduled a dentist appointment to follow Friday’s introductory press conferences. He knew what must be done in order to maintain a lifetime of toothy glory.