STANFORD, CA—Cackling maniacally as they encouraged Americans to begin engaging in radical acts of self-care, crazed, quarantined mental health experts at Stanford University recommended scrawling the words “everything will be okay” in feces on the wall, sources confirmed Monday. “It may sound simple—hahahaha—but one of the easiest ways to stay positive is to leave little reminders for yourself around the house, whether those are smeared in human excrement on your bathroom mirror or written in blood straight on your kitchen floor,” said professor of psychiatry Dr. Carissa Underwood, who, after taking off her clothes and slapping herself across the face, emphasized that repetition was important, and the more people wrote short, mindful phrases like “you are stronger than this” and “remember to breathe” in their bodily fluids, the better. “While it might not be for everyone, many of my patients find it extremely helpful to walk around their homes and see several giant hearts and cute smiley faces drawn on the wall with nothing but their own vomit. For me, personally, I like to wake up each morning with all 32 of my teeth hammered into the ceiling, arranged to spell ‘you are enough’—it really keeps me grounded.” At press time, the wild-eyed mental health experts also recommended taking a deep breath, taking stock of your possessions, and immediately burning your house to the ground.

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