SHREK Written by Lil' Willy Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Back up in tha dizzle there was a ghettofab bizzatch. But dat freaky freaky biatch had a enchantment upon her of a gangbangin' fearful sort which could only be fucked up by lovez first kiss. Biatch was locked away up in a cold-ass lil castle guarded by a shitty fire-breathang dragon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Many brave knights had attempted ta free her from dis dreadful prison, but non prevailed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch waited up in tha dragonz keep up in tha highest room of tha tallest tower fo' her legit ludd n' legit lovez first kiss. (laughs) Like thatz eva gonna happen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins ta play. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek goes bout his day. It make me wanna hollar playa! While up in a nearby town, tha villagers git together ta go afta tha ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think itz up in there? MAN2 All right. Letz git dat shiznit son! MAN1 Whoa yo. Hold on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Do you know what tha fuck dat thang can do ta yo slick ass? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind yo' bones fo' itz bread. Shrek sneaks up behind dem n' laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, dat would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they much worse. They'll cook up a suit from yo' freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave yo' liver n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Squeeze tha jelly from yo' eyes muthafucka! Actually, itz like phat on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast son! Back! I warn ya! (waves tha torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his wild lil' fingers n' extinguishes tha torch. Da pimps shrink back away from his muthafuckin ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek roars straight-up loudly n' long n' his breath extinguishes all tha remainin torches until tha pimps is up in tha dark. SHREK This is tha part where you run away. (Da pimps scramble ta git away yo. Dude laughs.) And stay up son! (looks down n' picks up a piece of paper n' shit. Reads.) "Wanted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Fairy tale creatures."(Dude sighs n' throws tha paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There be a line of fairy tale creatures. Da head of tha guard sits at a table payin playas fo' brangin tha fairy tale creatures ta his muthafuckin ass. There is cages all around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Some of tha playas up in line is Peta Pan, whoz ass is carryin Tinkerbell up in a cold-ass lil cage, Gipetto whoz carryin Pinocchio, n' a gangbangin' farma whoz ass is carryin tha three lil pigs. GUARD All right. This onez full. Take it away dawwwwg! Move it along. Come on! Git up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (takin tha witchz broom) Give me dat son! Yo crazy-ass flyin minutes is over n' shit. (breaks tha broom up in half) HEAD GUARD Thatz 20 piecez of silver fo' tha witch. Next! GUARD Git up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be bout ta never be stubborn again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I can chizzle. Please biaaatch! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut tha fuck up. (jerks his bangin rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next son! What have you got? GIPETTO This lil wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I aint a puppet. I be a real boy. (his nozzle grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings fo' tha possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please biaaatch! Don't let dem do this muthafucka! Help me! Gipetto takes tha scrilla n' strutts off. Da oldschool biatch steps up ta tha table. HEAD GUARD Next son! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've gots a poppin' off donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, thatz phat fo' ten shillings, if you can prove dat shit. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, lil fella. Donkey just looks up at her muthafuckin ass. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he just...hez just a lil nervous. Dat punk straight-up like a cold-ass lil chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD Thatz dat shit. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I heard enough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. Guards! OLD WOMAN Fuck dat shit, no, tha pimpin' muthafucka talks muthafucka! Dude do. (pretendz ta be Donkey) I can talk. I gotta talk. I be tha rappin'est damn thang you eva saw. HEAD GUARD Git her outta mah sight. OLD WOMAN Fuck dat shit, no! I swear playa! Oh! Dude can talk! Da guardz grab tha oldschool biatch n' her big-ass booty strugglez wit dem wild-ass muthafuckas. One of her hairy-ass legs flies up n' kicks Tinkerbell outta Peta Panz hands, n' her cage drops on Donkeyz head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude gets sprinkled wit fairy dust n' he able ta fly. DONKEY Yo dawwwwg! I can fly! PETER PAN Dude can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS Dude can fly! HEAD GUARD Dude can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! Thatz right, fool! Now I be a gangbangin' flying, poppin' off donkey. Yo ass might have peeped a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never peeped a thugged-out donkey fly yo. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins ta wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins ta sink ta tha ground.) Dude hits tha ground wit a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takez of hustlin.) Afta him! GUARDS Dat punk gettin away dawwwwg! Git him! This way dawwwwg! Turn! Donkey keeps hustlin n' he eventually runs tha fuck into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns round ta peep whoz ass bumped tha fuck into his muthafuckin ass. Donkey looks scared fo' a moment then da perved-out muthafucka spots tha guardz comin up tha path yo. Dude quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD Yo ass there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By tha order of Lord Farquaad I be authorized ta place you both under arrest n' transhiznit you ta a thugged-out designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, straight-up, biatch? Yo ass n' what tha fuck army? Dude looks behind tha guard n' tha guard turns ta look as well n' we peep dat tha other pimps have run off. Da guard tucks tail n' runs off. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek laughs n' goes back bout his bidnizz n' begins struttin back ta his cottage. DONKEY Can I say suttin' ta yo slick ass, biatch? Listen, you was straight-up, straight-up, straight-up somethin' back here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Incredible! SHREK Is you talkin' to...(he turns round n' Donkey is gone) me son, biatch? (he turns back round n' Donkey is right up in front of his muthafuckin ass.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes yes y'all. I was talkin' ta you, biatch. Can I tell you dat you dat you was pimped out back here, biatch? Those guardz muthafucka! They thought they was all of dis shit. Then you flossed up, n' bam! They was trippin' over theyselves like babes up in tha woods. That straight-up made me feel phat ta peep that. SHREK Oh, thatz pimped out. Really. DONKEY Man, itz phat ta be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go big-up yo' freedom wit yo' own playas, biatch? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I aint gots any playaz fo' realz. And I aint goin' up there by mah dirty ass. Yo, wait a minute biaaatch! I gots a pimped out idea! I be bout ta stick wit you, biatch. Yo ass is mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare tha spit outta anybody dat crosses us. Shrek turns n' regardz Donkey fo' a moment before roarin straight-up loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was straight-up freaky. If you don't mind mah crazy ass sayin', if dat don't work, yo' breath certainly will git tha thang done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks muthafucka! Yo ass almost burned tha afro outta mah nose, just like tha time...(Shrek covers his crazy-ass grill but Donkey continues ta talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! I had phat gases leakin outta mah booty dat day. SHREK Why is you followin me son? DONKEY I be bout ta rap why. (rappin) 'Cause I be all alone, Therez no one here beside me, My fuckin problems have all gone, Therez no one ta deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Quit rappin! It aint nuthin but no wonder you don't have any playas. DONKEY Wow. Only a legit playa would be dat wackly honest. SHREK Listen, lil donkey. Take a peep mah dirty ass. What be I? DONKEY (looks all tha way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I be a ogre biaaatch! Yo ass know. "Grab yo' torch n' pitchforks." Don't dat bother yo slick ass? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Fo' realz? DONKEY Really, straight-up. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I wanna bust a nut on you, biatch. Whatz you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek, biatch? Well, you know what tha fuck I wanna bust a nut on bout you, Shrek, biatch? Yo ass gots dat kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thang. I wanna bust a nut on dis shit. I respect that, Shrek. Y'all right. (They come over a hill n' you can peep Shrekz cottage.) Whoa! Look at dis shit. Who'd wanna live up in place like that? SHREK That would be mah home. DONKEY Oh! And it is ghettofab dawwwwg! Just dope naaahhmean, biatch? Yo ass know yo ass is like a thugged-out decorator. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. It aint nuthin but dunkadelic what tha fuck you've done wit such a modest budget. I wanna bust a nut on dat boulder n' shit. That be a sick boulder n' shit. I guess you don't entertain much, do yo slick ass? SHREK I wanna bust a nut on mah privacy. DONKEY Yo ass know, I do like a muthafucka. Thatz another thang our crazy asses have up in common. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Like I don't give a fuck bout it when you gots some muthafucka up in yo' face. You've tryin ta give dem a hint, n' they won't muthafuckin bounce. Therez dat awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit yo slick ass? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Fo' realz? SHREK No. DONKEY Please biaaatch! I don't wanna go back there biaaatch! Yo ass don't give a fuck what tha fuck itz like ta be considered a gangbangin' freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But thatz why we gotta stick together n' shit. Yo ass gotta let me stay dawwwwg! Please biaaatch! Please! SHREK Okay dawwwwg! Okay dawwwwg! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Nuff props, nahmean biiiatch, biatch? (he runs inside tha cottage) SHREK What is you, biatch..., biatch? (Donkey hops up onto a cold-ass lil chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, n' up in tha mornin' I be makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I chill? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess thatz cool. I mean, I don't give a fuck you, n' you don't give a fuck me, so I guess outside is best, you know yo. Here I go. Dope night. (Shrek slams tha door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like tha outdoors. I be a thugged-out donkey. I was born outside. I be bout ta just be chillin by mah dirty ass outside, I guess, you know. By mah dirty ass, outside. I be all ridin' solo...therez no one here beside mah dirty ass... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is gettin locked n loaded fo' dinner n' shiznit yo. Dude sits his dirty ass down n' lights a cold-ass lil candle made outta earwax yo. Dude begins ta smoke when dat schmoooove muthafucka hears a noise yo. Dude standz up wit a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I holla'd at you ta stay outside. DONKEY (from tha window) I be outside. There be another noise n' Shrek turns ta find tha thug dat made tha noise yo. Dude sees nuff muthafuckin shadows movin yo. Dude finally turns n' spots 3 blind mice on his cold-ass table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, itz a gangbangin' far cry from tha farm yo, but what tha fuck chizzle do our crazy asses have? BLIND MOUSE2 It aint nuthin but not home yo, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncin on a slug) What a ghettofab bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse yo, but it escapes n' landz on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese n' you can put dat on yo' toast. (bites Shrekz ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is dat you, Gordo? GORDO How tha fuck did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs tha 3 mice) What is you bustin up in mah house, biatch? (Dude gets bumped from behind n' da ruffneck drops tha mice.) Yo dawwwwg! (he turns n' sees tha Seven Dwarves wit Snow White on tha table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off tha table. DWARF Where is we supposed ta put her, biatch? Da bedz taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over ta tha bedroom n' throws back tha curtain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da Big Shiznitty Wolf is chillin up in tha bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da wolf just looks at his muthafuckin ass. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has tha Big Shiznitty Wolf by tha collar n' is draggin his ass ta tha front door. SHREK Hoes know mah name up in a swamp. I put up signs. I be a terrifyin ogre biaaatch! What do I gotta do git a lil privacy, biatch? (Dude opens tha front door ta throw tha Wolf up n' da perved-out muthafucka sees dat all tha collected Fairy Tale Creatures is on his fuckin land.) Oh, no. No! No! Da 3 bears sit round tha fire, tha pied piper is playin his pipe n' tha rats is all hustlin ta him, some elves is directin flight traffic so dat tha fairies n' witches can land...etc. SHREK What is you bustin up in mah swamp, biatch? (this echoes n' mah playas falls silent.) Gasps is heard all around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da 3 phat fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, git outta here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho fo' realz. All of you, move dat shiznit son! Come on! Letz go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Yo dawwwwg! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside tha house) Fuck dat shit, no! Fuck dat shit, no. Not there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Not there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. (they shut tha door on him) Oh! (turns ta peep Donkey) DONKEY Yo, don't look all up in mah face. I didn't invite dem wild-ass muthafuckas. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO Us thugs was forced ta come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude huffed n' he puffed n' he...signed a eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck knows where dis Farquaad muthafucka is? Everyone looks round at each other but no one lyrics. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Do any suckas know where ta find him, biatch? Every Muthafucka at all? DONKEY Me biaaatch! Me! SHREK Every Muthafucka? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me biaaatch! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine fo' realz. Attention, all fairy tale thangs. Do not git comfortable. Yo crazy-ass welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'ma peep dis muthafucka Farquaad right now n' git you all off mah land n' back where you came from! (Pause. Then tha crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! Yo ass is comin' wit mah dirty ass. DONKEY All right, thatz what tha fuck I gotta hear, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek n' Donkey, two stalwart playas, off on a whirlwind big-citizzle adventure. I gots a straight-up boner fo' dat shiznit son! DONKEY (rappin) On tha road again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sin it wit me, Shrek. I be locked n loaded ta git on tha road again. SHREK What did I say bout rappin? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum dat shit. Donkey begins ta hum 'On tha Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A maxed playa is torturin tha Gingerbread Man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dat punk continually dunkin his ass up in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad strutts in. FARQUAAD Thatz enough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. Dat punk locked n loaded ta talk. Da Gingerbread Man is pulled outta tha gin n juice n' slammed down onto a cold-ass lil cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as da thug strutts over ta tha table yo. However when he reaches tha table we peep dat it goes up ta his wild lil' fuckin eyes yo. Dude clears his cold-ass throat n' tha table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up tha Gingerbread Manz hairy-ass legs n' fucks wit them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass can't catch mah dirty ass. I be tha gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN Yo ass be a monster. FARQUAAD I aint tha monsta here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Yo ass are. Yo ass n' tha rest of dat fairy tale trash, poisonin mah slick ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Now, tell me biaaatch! Where is tha others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me biaaatch! (Dude spits gin n juice tha fuck into Farquaadz eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried ta be fair ta you creatures. Now mah patience has reached its end hommie! Tell me or I be bout ta...(he make as if ta pull off tha Gingerbread Manz buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN Fuck dat shit, no, not tha buttons. Not mah gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Whoz hidin them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I be bout ta rap , biatch. Do you know tha muffin man? FARQUAAD Da muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN Da muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know tha muffin dude, whoz ass lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she gangbangin tha muffin man. FARQUAAD Da muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN Da muffin man! FARQUAAD Dat hoe gangbangin tha muffin man. Da door opens n' tha Head Guard strutts in. HEAD GUARD My fuckin lord hommie! We found dat shit. FARQUAAD Then what tha fuck is you waitin for, biatch? Brin it in. Mo' guardz enta carryin suttin' dat is covered by a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass sheet. They hang up whatever it be n' remove tha sheet. Well shiiiit, it is tha Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell his ass anything! (Farquaad picks his ass up n' dumps his ass tha fuck into a trash can wit a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on tha wall. Is dis not da most thugged-out slick mackdaddydom of dem all? MIRROR Well, technologically you not a mackdaddy. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holdz up a hand mirror n' smashes it wit his fist.) Yo ass was saying? MIRROR What I mean is you not a mackdaddy yet. But you can become one fo' realz. All you have ta do is marry a bizzatch. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chucklez nervously) So, just sit back n' chillax, mah lord, cuz itz time fo' you ta hook up todizzlez eligible bachelorettes. And here they is biaaatch! Bachelorette number one be a menstrually played shut-in from a mackdaddydom far, far away. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch likes sushi n' bangin' tubbin anytime yo. Her hobbies include cookin n' cleanin fo' her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two be a cold-ass lil cape-bustin hoe from tha land of fancy fo' realz. Although she lives wit seven other men, she not easy as fuck . Just lick her dead, frozen lips n' smoke up what tha fuck a live wire she is. Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Give it up fo' Snow White biaaatch! (shows picture of Snow White) And last yo, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three be a gangbangin' fiery redhead from a thugged-out dragon-guarded castle surrounded by bangin' boilin lava! But don't let dat def you off. Dat hoe a loaded pistol whoz ass likes pina coladz n' gettin caught up in tha rain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yours fo' tha rescuing, Supa-Hoe Fiona! (Shows picture of Supa-Hoe Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three biaaatch! Three biaaatch! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three, biatch? One, biatch? Three? THELONIUS Three biaaatch! (holdz up 2 fingers) Pick number three, mah lord! FARQUAAD Okay, aiiight, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Supa-Hoe Fiona. FARQUAAD Supa-Hoe Fiona. Dat hoe slick fo' realz. All I gotta do is just find one of mah thugs whoz ass can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention tha lil thang dat happens at night. FARQUAAD I be bout ta do dat shit. MIRROR Yes yo, but afta sunset... FARQUAAD Silence biaaatch! I'ma make dis Supa-Hoe Fiona mah biatch, n' DuLoc will finally have tha slick mackdaddy! Captain, assemble yo' finest men. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. We goin ta have a tournament. (smilez evilly) DuLoc Parkin Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek n' Donkey come outta tha field dat is right by tha parkin lot. Da castle itself be bout 40 stories high. DONKEY But thatz dat shit. Thatz it right there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Thatz DuLoc. I holla'd at ya I'd find dat shit. SHREK So, dat must be Lord Farquaadz castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. Thatz tha place. SHREK Do you be thinkin maybe his schmoooove ass compensatin fo' something, biatch? (Dude laughs yo, but then groans as Donkey don't git tha joke. Dude continues struttin all up in tha parkin lot.) DONKEY Yo, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We late yo. Hurry. SHREK Yo, you, nahmean biiiatch, biatch? (Da attendant, whoz ass is bustin a giant head dat be lookin like Lord Farquaad, screams n' begins hustlin all up in tha rowz of rope ta git ta tha front gate ta git away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Look, I aint gonna smoke you, biatch. I just - - I just - - (Dude sighs n' then begins struttin straight all up in tha rows. Da attendant runs tha fuck into a wall n' falls down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek n' Donkey peep his ass then continue on tha fuck into DuLoc.) DULOC They look round but all is on tha fuckin' down-low. SHREK It aint nuthin but on tha fuckin' down-low. Too on tha fuckin' down-low. Where is everybody? DONKEY Yo, peep this! Donkey runs over n' pulls a lever dat be attached ta a funky-ass box marked 'Information'. Da noize windz up n' then tha box doors open up. There is lil wooden playas inside n' they begin ta sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Yo, wuz crackalackin', biatch? Yo ass is smokin DuLoc such a slick town Here our crazy asses have some rules Let our asses lay dem down Don't make waves, stay up in line And we'll git along fine DuLoc is slick place Please keep off of tha grass Shine yo' shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is slick place. Suddenly a cold-ass lil camera takes Donkey n' Shrekz picture. DONKEY Fuck dis shiznit son! Letz do dat again! (makes locked n loaded ta run over n' pull tha lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkeyz tail n' holdz his ass still) No. No. Fuck dat shit, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare n' head over ta tha arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Yo ass is tha dopest n' brightest up in all tha land. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Todizzle one of y'all shall prove his dirty ass... As Shrek n' Donkey strutt down tha tunnel ta git tha fuck into tha arena Donkey is hummin tha DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. Yo ass is goin tha right way fo' a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry bout that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have tha honor - - no, no - - tha privilege ta go forth n' rescue tha ghettofab Supa-Hoe Fiona from tha fiery keep of tha dragon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If fo' any reason tha balla is unsuccessful, tha straight-up original gangsta runner-up will take his thugged-out lil' place n' so on n' so forth. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of y'all may die yo, but itz a sacrifice I be willin ta make. (cheers) Let tha tournament begin! (Dude notices Shrek) Oh! What tha fuck iz that, biatch? It aint nuthin but hideous! SHREK (turns ta peep Donkey n' then back at Farquaad) Ah, thatz not straight-up sick. It aint nuthin but just a thugged-out donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Knights, freshly smoked up plan! Da one whoz ass kills tha ogre is ghon be named champion! Have it him! MEN Git him! SHREK Oh, hey dawwwwg! Now come on! Hang on now, nahmeean, biatch? (bumps tha fuck into a table where there be mugz of brew) CROWD Go ahead hommie! Git him! SHREK (holdz up a mug of brew) Can't our laid-back asses just settle dis over a pint? CROWD Bust a cap up in tha beast! SHREK No, biatch? All right then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. (drinks tha brew) Come on! Dude takes tha mug n' smashes tha spigot off tha big-ass barrel of brew behind his muthafuckin ass. Da brew comes rushin up drenchin tha other pimps n' wettin tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! It aint nuthin but like mud now, nahmeean, biatch? Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek slides past tha pimps n' picks up a spear dat one of tha pimps dropped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! As Shrek begins ta fight Donkey hops up onto one of tha larger brew barrels. Well shiiiit, it breaks free of itz ropes n' begins ta roll. Donkey manages ta squish two pimps tha fuck into tha mud. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! There is so much fightin goin on here I aint goin ta go tha fuck into detail. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Suffice ta say dat Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Yo, Shrek, tag me biaaatch! Tag me! Shrek comes over n' bangs a manz head up against Donkeys. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek gets up on tha ropes n' interacts wit tha crowd. SHREK Yeah! A playa tries ta sneak up behind Shrek yo, but Shrek turns up in time n' sees his muthafuckin ass. WOMAN Da chair playa! Give his ass tha chair! Shrek smashes a cold-ass lil chair over tha muthafuckas back. Finally all tha pimps is down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Donkey kicks one of dem up in tha helmet, n' tha din soundz tha end of tha match. Da crew goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Nuff props, nahmean biiiatch, biatch? Nuff props straight-up much! I be here till Thursday. It make me wanna hollar playa! Try tha veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) Da laughta stops as all of tha guardz turn they weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give tha order, sir? FARQUAAD Fuck dat shit, I gots a funky-ass betta idea. Muthafuckaz of DuLoc, I hit you wit our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. Yo ass is won tha honor of embarkin on a pimped out n' noble quest. SHREK Quest, biatch? I be already up in a quest, a quest ta git mah swamp back. FARQUAAD Yo crazy-ass swamp? SHREK Yeah, mah swamp! Where you dumped dem fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! All right, ogre. I be bout ta make you a thugged-out deal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Go on dis quest fo' me, n' I be bout ta hit you wit yo' swamp back. SHREK Exactly tha way it was? FARQUAAD Down ta tha last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And tha squatters? FARQUAAD As phat as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey n' Shrek is now struttin all up in tha field headin away from DuLoc. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek is munchin on a onion. DONKEY Let me git dis straight. Yo ass is gonna go fight a thugged-out dragon n' rescue a bizzatch just so Farquaad will hit you wit back a swamp which you only aint gots cuz he filled it full of freaks up in tha straight-up original gangsta place. Is dat bout right? SHREK Yo ass know, maybe there be a a phat reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't git dat shit. Why don't you just pull a shitload of dat ogre shiznit on him, biatch? Throttle him, lay siege ta his wild lil' fortress, grindz his bones ta make yo' bread, tha whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated a entire hood n' put they headz on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open they spleen n' drank they fluids. Do dat sound phat ta yo slick ass? DONKEY Uh, no, not straight-up, no. SHREK For yo' shiznit, there be a a shitload mo' ta ogres than playas think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example, biatch? Okay, um, ogres is like onions. (he holdz up his onion) DONKEY (sniffs tha onion) They stink? SHREK Yes yes y'all, - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY Yo ass leave dem up in tha sun, they git all brown, start sproutin' lil white hairs. SHREK No! Layers muthafucka! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers muthafucka! Onions have layers. Yo ass git it, biatch? We both have layers. (he heaves a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart n' then strutts off) DONKEY (trailin afta Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} Yo ass know, not dem hoes likes onions. Cake biaaatch! All Y'all loves cakes muthafucka! Cakes have layers. SHREK I couldn't give a fuckin shit... what tha fuck mah playas likes. Ogres aint like cakes. DONKEY Yo ass know what tha fuck else dem hoes likes, biatch? Parfaits yo. Has you done eva kicked it wit a person, you say, "Letz git some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait", biatch? Parfaits is delicious. SHREK No! Yo ass dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres is like onions muthafucka! And of story. Bye-bye. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be da most thugged-out delicious thang on tha whole damn hood. SHREK Yo ass know, I be thinkin I preferred yo' humming. DONKEY Do you gotz a tissue or something, biatch? I be bustin a mess. Just tha word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There be a montage of they journey. Walkin all up in a gangbangin' field at sunset. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Chillin beneath a funky-ass bright moon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek tryin ta put tha campfire up tha next dizzle n' havin a lil' bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on tha fire ta put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek n' Donkey is struttin up ta tha keep thatz supposed ta doggy den Supa-Hoe Fiona. Well shiiiit, it appears ta be lookin like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did yo dirty ass do that, biatch? Yo ass gotta warn some muthafucka before you just crack one off. My fuckin grill was open n' every last muthafuckin thang. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if dat shiznit was me, you'd be dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. (sniffs) It aint nuthin but brimstone. We must be gettin close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be poppin' off bout itz tha brimstone. I know what tha fuck I smell. Well shiiiit, it wasn't no brimstone. Well shiiiit, it didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up tha side of tha volcano/keep n' look down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. There be a lil' small-ass piece of rock right up in tha centa n' dat is where tha castle is. Well shiiiit, it is surrounded by boilin lava. Well shiiiit, it looks straight-up foreboding. SHREK Sure, itz big-ass enough yo, but peep tha location. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. (laughs...then tha laugh turns tha fuck into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek, biatch? Uh, remember when you holla'd ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I gots a lil' bit of a cold-ass lil confession ta make. Donkeys aint gots layers. We wear our fear right up there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Donkeys aint gots sleeves. DONKEY Yo ass know what tha fuck I mean. SHREK Yo ass can't tell me you afraid of heights. DONKEY Fuck dat shit, I be just a lil uncomfortable bout bein on a rickety bridge over a funky-ass boilin like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I be right here beside ya, aiiight, biatch? For wack support., we'll just tackle dis thang together one lil baby step at a time. DONKEY Fo' realz? SHREK Really, straight-up. DONKEY Okay, dat make me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep movin fo' realz. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Don't look down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Don't look down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Keep on moving. Don't look down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. (he steps all up in a rottin board n' endz up lookin straight down tha fuck into tha lava) Shrek! I be lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this muthafucka! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you already halfway. DONKEY But I know dat half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I aint gots time fo' all dis bullshit. Yo ass go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Letz gotz a thugged-out dizzle then, shall me son, biatch? (bounces n' sways tha bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit. Do what, biatch? Oh, this, biatch? (bounces tha bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes, biatch? Yes, do dat shit. Okay. (continues ta bounce n' sway as his thugged-out lil' punk-ass backs Donkey across tha bridge) DONKEY Fuck dat shit, Shrek! No! Quit dat shiznit son! SHREK Yo ass holla'd do dat shiznit son! I be doin' dat shit. DONKEY I'ma take a thugged-out dirt nap. I'ma take a thugged-out dirt nap. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek, I'ma take a thugged-out dirt nap. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towardz tha castle) DONKEY Cool. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So where is dis fire-breathang pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waitin fo' our asses ta rescue her n' shit. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' bout tha dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY Yo ass afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Me neither n' shit. (sees a skeleton n' gasps) 'Cause there be a nothin' wack wit bein' afraid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Fearz a sensible response ta a unfamiliar thang. Unfamiliar fucked up thang, I might add. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! With a thugged-out dragon dat breathes fire n' smokes knights n' breathes fire, it shizzle don't mean you a cold-ass lil coward if you a lil trippin like a muthafucka. I shizzle as heck ain't no coward. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I know that. SHREK Donkey, two thangs, aiiight, biatch? Shut ... up. Now go over there n' peep if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs, biatch? I thought we was lookin' fo' tha bizzatch. SHREK (puttin on a helmet) Da bizzatch will be up tha stairs up in tha highest room up in tha tallest tower. DONKEY What make you be thinkin she'll be there? SHREK I read it up in a funky-ass book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. Yo ass handle tha dragon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be bout ta handle tha stairs. I be bout ta find dem stairs. I be bout ta whip they booty like a muthafucka. Those stairs won't know which way they goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still poppin' off ta his dirty ass as he looks round tha room. DONKEY I'ma take drastic steps. Kick it ta tha curb. Don't mess wit mah dirty ass. I be tha stair masta n' shit. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I mastered tha stairs. I wish I had a step right here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I'd step all over dat shit. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light up in tha tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where tha bizzatch is yo, but wherez the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps n' takes off hustlin as tha dragon roars again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Shrek manages ta grab Donkey outta tha way just as tha dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look up son! (he manages ta git a hold of tha dragons tail n' holdz on) Got ya! Da dragon gets irritated at dis n' flicks itz tail n' Shrek goes flyin all up in tha air n' crashes all up in tha roof of tha tallest tower n' shit. Fiona wakes up wit a jerk n' looks at his ass lyin on tha floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey git cornered as tha Dragon knocks away all but a lil' small-ass part of tha bridge he on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what tha fuck big-ass teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparklin teeth. I know you probably hear dis all time from yo' chicken yo, but you must bleach, 'cause dat is one dazzlin smile you gots there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness, biatch? And you know what tha fuck else, biatch? Yo ass is - - Yo ass be a hoe dragon! Oh, shizzle biaaatch! I mean, of course you a hoe dragon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass is just reekin of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins flutterin her eyes at him) Whatz tha matta wit yo slick ass, biatch? Yo ass gots suttin' up in yo' eye, biatch? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd straight-up ludd ta stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke rang up in tha shape of a ass right at him, n' his schmoooove ass coughs) I be a asthmatic, n' I don't give a fuck if it'd work up if you gonna blow smoke rings. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek! (the dragon picks his ass up wit her teeth n' carries his ass off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off tha floor yo. His back is ta Fiona so her big-ass booty straightens her dress n' lays back down on tha bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch then quickly reaches over n' gets tha bouquet of flowers off tha side table. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch then lays back down n' appears ta be asleep. Shrek turns n' goes over ta her n' shiznit yo. Dude looks down at Fiona fo' a moment n' she puckers her lips. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek takes her by tha shouldaz n' shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Is you Supa-Hoe Fiona? FIONA I am, awaitin a knight so bold as ta rescue mah dirty ass. SHREK Oh, thatz sick. Now letz go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Should it not be a wonderful, horny-ass moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. Therez no time. FIONA Yo, wait. What is you bustin, biatch? Yo ass should sweep me off mah feet up yonder window n' down a rope onto yo' valiant steed. SHREK You've had a shitload of time ta plan this, aint yo slick ass? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks tha lock on her door n' pulls her up n' down tha hallway. FIONA But we gotta savor dis moment son! Yo ass could recite a epic poem fo' mah dirty ass fo' realz. A ballad, biatch? A sonnet son! A limerick, biatch? Or something! SHREK I don't be thinkin so. FIONA Can I at least know tha name of mah champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat n' holdz up a handkerchizzle) I pray dat you take dis favor as a token of mah gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear tha dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)Yo ass didn't slay tha dragon? SHREK It aint nuthin but on mah to-do list. Now come on! (takes off hustlin n' drags Fiona behind his muthafuckin ass.) FIONA But dis aint right son! Yo ass was meant ta charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. Thatz what tha fuck all tha other knights done did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst tha fuck into flame. FIONA Thatz not tha point. (Shrek suddenly stops n' she runs tha fuck into his muthafuckin ass.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her n' headz fo' a wooden door off ta tha side.) Wait. Where is you going, biatch? Da exitz over there. SHREK Well, I gotta save mah ass. FIONA What kind of knight is yo slick ass? SHREK One of a kind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (opens tha door tha fuck into tha throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Slow down, baby,. Biiiatch please. I believe itz healthy ta git ta know one of mah thugs over a long-ass period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (laughs worriedly) (we peep his ass up close n' from a gangbangin' finger-lickin' distizzle as Shrek sneaks tha fuck into tha room) I don't wanna rush tha fuck into a physical relationshizzle. I aint wackly locked n loaded fo' a cold-ass lil commitment of, uh, dis - - Magnitude straight-up is tha word I be lookin for. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Magnitude- - Yo, dat is unwanted physical contact. Yo, what tha fuck is you bustin, biatch? Okay, aiiight. Letz just back up a lil n' take dis one step at a time. We straight-up should git ta know each other first as playaz or pen pals. I be on tha road a shitload yo, but I just ludd receivin cardz - - I'd straight-up ludd ta stay yo, but - - Don't do dat son! Thatz mah tail! Thatz mah underground tail. Yo ass is gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What is you gonna do wit that, biatch? Yo, now, nahmeean, biatch? No way. No! No! Fuck dat shit, no! No. Fuck dat shit, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a cold-ass lil chain thatz connected ta tha chandelier n' swings toward tha dragon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude misses n' da perved-out muthafucka swings back again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude looks up n' spots dat tha chandelier is right above tha dragons head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude pulls on tha chain n' it releases n' he falls down n' bumps Donkey outta tha way right as tha dragon be bout ta lick his muthafuckin ass. Instead tha dragon kisses Shreks' butt. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch opens her eyes n' roars. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek lets go of tha chain n' tha chandelier falls onto her head yo, but itz too big-ass n' it goes over her head n' forms a sort of collar fo' her n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch roars again n' again n' again n' Shrek n' Donkey take off hustlin. Straight-up 'Matrix' style. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek grabs Donkey n' then grabs Supa-Hoe Fiona as he runs past her muthafuckin ass. DONKEY Yea muthafucka, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, itz gettin his ass ta shut tha fuck up thatz tha trick. They all start beatboxin as tha dragon gains on dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek spots a thugged-out descendin slide n' jumps on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. But unfortunately there be a crack up in tha stone n' it hits Shrek right up in tha groin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. His eyes cross n' as he reaches tha bottom of tha slide da perved-out muthafucka stumblez off n' strutts lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets dem close ta tha exit n' sets down Donkey n' Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard fo' tha exit son! I be bout ta take care of tha dragon. Shrek grabs a sword n' headz back toward tha interior of tha castle yo. Dude throws tha sword down up in between nuff muthafuckin overlappin chain links. Da chain links is attached ta tha chandelier dat is still round tha dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off hustlin fo' tha exit wit tha dragon up in bangin' pursuit. They make it ta tha bridge n' head across. Da dragons breathes fire n' tha bridge begins ta burn, so check it before ya wreck it. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They all hang on fo' dear game as tha ropes holdin tha bridge up collapse. They is swung ta tha other side fo' realz. As they hang upside down they look up in horror as tha dragon make ta fly over tha boilin lava ta git dem wild-ass muthafuckas. But suddenly tha chandelier wit tha chain jerk tha dragon back n' she unable ta git ta dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Our gang climbs quickly ta safety as tha dragon looks mad salty n' then gives a fucked up whimper as dat biiiiatch watches Donkey strutt away. FIONA (slidin down tha 'volcano' hill) Yo ass did dat shiznit son! Yo ass rescued mah crazy ass biaaatch! Yo ass be amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down tha hill) Yo ass is - - Yo ass is straight-up dope naaahhmean, biatch? You're... (turns n' sees Shrek fall down tha hill n' bump tha fuck into Donkey) a lil unorthodox I be bout ta admit. But thy deed is pimped out, n' thy ass is pure. I be eternally up in yo' debt. (Donkey clears his cold-ass throat.) And where would a funky-ass brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard dis shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch called mah crazy ass a noble steed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch be thinkin I be a steed. FIONA Da battle is won. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass may remove yo' helmet, phat Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon tha grill of mah rescuer. SHREK Fuck dat shit, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how tha fuck will you lick me son? SHREK What, biatch? (to Donkey) That wasn't up in tha thang description. DONKEY Maybe itz a perk. FIONA Fuck dat shit, itz destiny. Oh, you must know how tha fuck it goes fo' realz. A bizzatch locked up in a tower n' beset by a thugged-out dragon is rescued by a funky-ass brave knight, n' then they share legit lovez first kiss. DONKEY Hmm, biatch? With Shrek, biatch? Yo ass think- - Wait. Wait. Yo ass be thinkin dat Shrek is you legit love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey n' Shrek burst up laughing. DONKEY Yo ass be thinkin Shrek is yo' legit love! FIONA What tha fuck iz so funky? SHREK Letz just say I aint yo' type, aiiight?Fiona: Of course, yo ass is. Yo ass is mah rescuer n' shit. Now - - Now remove yo' helmet. SHREK Look. I straight-up don't be thinkin dis be a phat idea. FIONA Just take off tha helmet. SHREK I aint goin to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay dawwwwg! Easy fo' realz. As you command. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo crazy-ass Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - Yo ass be a- - a ogre. SHREK Oh, you was expectin Pimp Charming. FIONA Well, fo'sho, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. Yo ass aint supposed ta be a ogre. SHREK Princess, I was busted ta rescue you by Lord Farquaad, aiiight, biatch? Dude is tha one whoz ass wants ta bone you, biatch. FIONA Then why didn't his schmoooove ass come rescue me son? SHREK Dope question. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass should ask his ass dat when we git there. FIONA But I gotta be rescued by mah legit love, not by some ogre n' his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much fo' noble steed. SHREK Yo ass aint makin mah thang any easier. FIONA I be sorry yo, but yo' thang aint mah problem. Yo ass can tell Lord Farquaad dat if he wants ta rescue me properly, I be bout ta be waitin fo' his ass right here. SHREK Yo dawwwwg! I be no onez messenger boy, all right, biatch? (ominous) I be a thugged-out delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up n' swings her over his shoulder like dat biiiiatch was a sack of potatoes) FIONA Yo ass wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I be right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you betta recognize tha consequences muthafucka! This aint dignified hommie! Put me down! WOODS A lil time has passed n' Fiona has calmed down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her muthafuckin ass. DONKEY Okay, so herez another question. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Say there be a a biatch dat digs you, right, but you don't straight-up gots nuff props fo'her dat way. How tha fuck do you let her down real easy as fuck so her vibe aren't hurt yo, but you don't git burned ta a cold-ass lil crisp n' eaten? FIONA Yo ass just tell her she not yo' legit love. Everyone knows what tha fuck happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on tha ground) Yo dawwwwg! Da sooner we git ta DuLoc tha better. DONKEY Yo ass is gonna ludd it there, Princess. It aint nuthin but dope! FIONA And what tha fuck of mah groom-to-be, biatch? Lord Farquaad, biatch? Whatz he like? SHREK Let me put it dis way, Princess. Men of Farquaadz stature is up in short supply. (he n' Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceedz ta splash wata onto his wild lil' grill ta wash off tha dust n' grime. DONKEY I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. There is dem playas whoz ass be thinkin lil of his muthafuckin ass. (they laugh again) Fiona: Quit dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Quit it, both of you, biatch. Yo ass is just jealous you can never measure up ta a pimped out rula like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you right, Princess. But I be bout ta let you do tha "measuring" when you peep his ass tomorrow. FIONA (looks all up in tha settin sun) Tomorrow, biatch? It'll take dat long, biatch? Shouldn't we stop ta make camp? SHREK Fuck dat shit, that'll take longer n' shit. We can keep going. FIONA But there be a robbers up in tha woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is startin ta sound good. SHREK Yo, come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be scarier than anythang we goin ta peep up in dis forest. FIONA I need ta find somewhere ta camp now! Both Donkey n' Shrekz ears lower as they shrink away from her muthafuckin ass. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cold-ass lil cave dat appears ta be up in phat order n' shiznit yo. Dude shoves a stone boulder outta tha way ta reveal tha cave. SHREK Yo dawwwwg! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do betta than dis shit. I don't be thinkin dis is fit fo' a bizzatch. FIONA Fuck dat shit, no, itz perfect. Well shiiiit, it just needz all dem homey touches. SHREK Homey touches, biatch? Like what, biatch? (he hears a tearin noise n' looks over at Fiona whoz ass has torn tha bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door, biatch? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee phat night. (goes tha fuck into tha cave n' puts tha bark door up behind her) DONKEY Yo ass want me ta read you a funky-ass bedtime story, biatch? I will. FIONA (os) I holla'd phat night! Shrek looks at Donkey fo' a second n' then goes ta move tha boulder back up in front of tha entrizzle ta tha cave wit Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What is you bustin? SHREK (laughs) I just- - Yo ass know - - Oh, come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek n' Donkey is chillin round a cold-ass lil campfire. They is starin up tha fuck into tha sky as Shrek points up certain star constellations ta Donkey. SHREK And, uh, dat one, thatz Throwback, tha only ogre ta eva spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Yo, can you tell mah future from these stars? SHREK Da stars don't tell tha future, Donkey. They tell stories. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! Look, there be a Bloodnut, tha Flatulent. Yo ass can guess what tha fuck he hyped for. DONKEY I know you makin dis up. SHREK Fuck dat shit, look. There he is, n' there be a tha crew of huntas hustlin away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a funky-ass bunch of lil dots. SHREK Yo ass know, Donkey, sometimes thangs is mo' than they step tha fuck up yo. Hmm, biatch? Forget dat shit. DONKEY (heaves a funky-ass big-ass sigh) Yo, Shrek, what tha fuck we gonna do when we git our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY Yo ass know, when we all up in rescuin tha bizzatch. SHREK We, biatch? Donkey, there be a no "we". Therez no "our". Therez just me n' mah swamp. Da first thang I'ma do is build a ten-foot wall round mah land. DONKEY Yo ass cut me deep, Shrek. Yo ass cut me real deep just now, nahmeean, biatch? Yo ass know what tha fuck I think, biatch? I be thinkin dis whole wall thang is just a way ta keep some muthafucka out. SHREK Fuck dat shit, do ya think? DONKEY Is you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, dis be another one of dem onion thangs, aint it? SHREK Fuck dat shit, dis is one of dem drop-it n' leave-it ridin' solo thangs. DONKEY Why don't you wanna rap bout it? SHREK Why do you wanna rap bout it? DONKEY Why is you blocking? SHREK I aint blocking. DONKEY Oh, fo'sho, yo ass is. SHREK Donkey, I be warnin you, biatch. DONKEY Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck you tryin ta keep out? SHREK Everyone biaaatch! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we gettin' somewhere, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. (grins) At dis point Fiona pulls tha 'door' away from tha entrizzle ta tha cave n' peaks out. Neither of tha muthafuckas peep her muthafuckin ass. SHREK Oh! For tha ludd of Pete biaaatch! (gets up n' strutts over ta tha edge of tha cliff n' sits down) DONKEY Whatz yo' problem, biatch? What you gots against tha whole ghetto anyway? SHREK Look, I aint tha one wit tha problem, aiiight, biatch? It aint nuthin but tha ghetto dat seems ta have a problem wit mah dirty ass. Muthafuckas take one look all up in mah grill n' go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, skanky ogre!" They judge me before they even know mah dirty ass. Thatz why I be betta off ridin' solo. DONKEY Yo ass know what, biatch? When we met, I didn't be thinkin you was just a funky-ass big, stupid, skanky ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, is there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, tha Lil Small-Ass n' Annoying. DONKEY Okay, aiiight, I peep it now, nahmeean, biatch? Da big-ass shiny one, right there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. That one there? Fiona puts tha door back. SHREK Thatz tha moon. DONKEY Oh, aiiight. DuLoc - Farquaadz Bedroom Da camera pans over a shitload of weddin stuff. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Soft noize skits up in tha background. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Farquaad is up in bed, watchin as tha Magic Mirror shows his ass Supa-Hoe Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Mirror, mirror, show her ta mah dirty ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Show me tha bizzatch. MIRROR Hmph. Da Mirror rewindz n' begins ta play again n' again n' again from tha beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest n' pulls tha shizzle up ta cover his dirty ass as though Fiona could peep his ass as he gazes sheepishly at her image up in tha mirror. MORNING Fiona strutts outta tha cave. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch glances at Shrek n' Donkey whoz ass is still chillin. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch wandaz off tha fuck into tha woodz n' comes across a funky-ass blue bird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch begins ta sing. Da bird sings along wit her n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch hits higher n' higher notes n' tha bird strugglez ta keep up wit her n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Suddenly tha heat of tha note is too big-ass n' tha bird explodes. Fiona looks a lil sheepish yo, but she eyes tha eggs dat tha bird left behind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Time lapse, Fiona is now cookin tha eggs fo' breakfast. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek n' Donkey is still chillin. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek wakes up n' looks at Fiona. Donkeyz poppin' off up in his chill. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I wanna bust a nut on it like dis shit. Come on, baby. I holla'd I wanna bust a nut on dat shit. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh, biatch? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What, biatch? (stretches n' yawns) FIONA Dope mornin yo. Hm, how tha fuck do you like yo' eggs? DONKEY Oh, phat morning, Princess! Fiona gets up n' sets tha eggs down up in front of dem wild-ass muthafuckas. SHREK Whatz all dis about? FIONA Yo ass know, we kind of gots off ta a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass start yesterday. It make me wanna hollar playa! I wanted ta make it up ta you, biatch. I mean, afta all, you did rescue mah dirty ass. SHREK Uh, props. Donkey sniffs tha eggs n' licks his fuckin lips. FIONA Well, smoke up. We've gots a funky-ass big-ass dizzle ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They is once again n' again n' again on they way. They is struttin all up in tha forest. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What, biatch? It aint nuthin but a cold-ass lil compliment. Betta up than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, itz no way ta behave up in front of a bizzatch. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY Dat hoe as nasty as yo ass is. SHREK (chuckles) Yo ass know, you not exactly what tha fuck I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge playas before you git ta know dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Biatch smilez n' then continues strutting, rappin softly. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Suddenly from outta nowhere, a playa swings down n' swoops Fiona up tha fuck into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte biaaatch! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What is you bustin? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, fo' I be you savior playa! And I be rescuin you from dis green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back up in disgust)...beast. SHREK Yo dawwwwg! Thatz mah bizzatch! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monsta playa! Can't you peep I be a lil busy here? FIONA (gettin fed up) Look, pal, I don't know whoz ass you be thinkin yo ass is! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course biaaatch! Oh, how tha fuck rude. Please let me introduce mah dirty ass. Oh, Merry Men. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. (laughs) Suddenly a accordion begins ta play n' tha Merry pimps pop up from tha bushes. They begin ta rap Robinz theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I loot from tha rich n' give ta tha needy. MERRY MEN Dude takes a wee cementage, ROBIN HOOD But I aint greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, dude, I be good. MERRY MEN What a muthafucka, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I wanna bust a nut on a real fight n' a saucy lil maid... MERRY MEN What his thugged-out lil' punk-ass basically sayin is he likes ta get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! So...When a ogre up in tha bush grabs a lady by tha tush. Thatz bad. MERRY MEN Thatz bad. ROBIN HOOD When a funky-ass beautyz wit a funky-ass beast it make me awfully mad. MERRY MEN Dat punk mad, he straight-up, straight-up mad. ROBIN HOOD I be bout ta take mah blade n' ram it all up in yo' ass, keep yo' eyes on me, thugs 'cause I be bout ta start... There be a grunt as Fiona swings down from tha tree limb n' knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, dat was buggin! Shrek looks at her up in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you lil- - (shoots a arrow at Fiona but her dope ass ducks outta tha way) Da arrow flies toward Donkey whoz ass jumps tha fuck into Shrekz arms ta git outta tha way. Da arrow proceedz ta just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins n' Fiona gives a karate yell n' then proceedz ta beat tha crap outta tha Merry Men. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. There is a straight-up bangin-ass 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses up in mid-air ta fix her hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Finally all of tha Merry Men is down, n' Fiona begins struttin away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold tha phone. (drops Donkey n' begins struttin afta Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa yo. Hold on now, nahmeean, biatch? Where did dat come from? FIONA What? SHREK That son! Back there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. That was sick! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has ta learn these thangs up in case there be a a...(gasps n' points) there be a a arrow up in yo' butt! SHREK What, biatch? (turns n' looks) Oh, would you peep that, biatch? (he goes ta pull it up but flinches cuz itz tender) FIONA Oh, no. This be all mah fault. I be soopa-doopa sorry bout dat bullshit. DONKEY (walkin up) Why, biatch? Whatz wrong? FIONA Shrekz hurt. DONKEY Shrekz hurt. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrekz hurt, biatch? Oh, no, Shrekz gonna take a thugged-out dirt nap. SHREK Donkey, I be aiiight. DONKEY Yo ass can't do dis ta me, Shrek. I be too lil' fo' you ta take a thugged-out dirt nap. Keep you hairy-ass legs elevated. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Turn yo' head n' cough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. Do mah playas know tha Heimlich? FIONA Donkey dawwwwg! Calm down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If you wanna help Shrek, run tha fuck into tha woodz n' find mah crazy ass a funky-ass blue flower wit red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I be on dat shit. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't take a thugged-out dirtnap Shrek. If you peep a long-ass tunnel, stay away from tha light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What is tha flowers for? FIONA (like itz obvious) For gettin rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, n' I be bout ta yank dis thang out. (gives tha arrow a lil pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Yo dawwwwg! Easy wit tha yankin'. As they continue ta rap Fiona keeps goin afta tha arrow n' Shrek keeps dodgin her hands. FIONA I be sorry yo, but it has ta come out. SHREK Fuck dat shit, itz tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you bustin is tha opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you, biatch...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her grill ta stop her from gettin all up in tha arrow) Okay. What do you propose our phat asses do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still lookin fo' tha special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be all kindsa much easier if I wasn't color-blind hommie! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I be comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush dat just happens ta be a funky-ass blue flower wit red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly peep tha head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It aint nuthin but just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks n' manages ta fall over wit Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwin Fiona off of him) Nothang happend yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. Us thugs was just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted ta be alone, all you had ta do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! Thatz tha last thang on mah mind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da bizzatch here was just- - (Fiona pulls tha arrow out) Ugh! (he turns ta peep Fiona whoz ass holdz up tha arrow wit a smile) Ow! DONKEY Yo, whatz that, biatch? (nervous chuckle) That's...is dat blood? Donkey faints, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek strutts over n' picks his ass up as they continue on they way. There be a montage of scenes as tha crew headz back ta DuLoc. Shrek crawlin up ta tha top of a tree ta make it fall over a lil' small-ass brook so dat Fiona won't git wet. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just bout ta cross tha tree n' tha tree swings back tha fuck into itz upright posizzle n' Donkey flies off. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek swattin n' a funky-ass bunch of flies n' mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb thatz on a tree branch n' runs all up in tha field swingin it round ta catch tha bugs. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch then handz it ta Shrek whoz ass begins smokin like itz a treat fo' realz. As da thug strutts off she licks her fingers. Shrek catchin a toad n' blowin it up like a funky-ass balloon n' presentin it ta Fiona. Fiona catchin a snake, blowin it up, fashionin it tha fuck into a funky-ass balloon animal n' presentin it ta Shrek. Da crew arrivin at a windmill dat is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Yo crazy-ass future awaits you, biatch. FIONA Thatz DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. Yo ass know, Shrek be thinkin Lord Farquaadz compensatin fo' something, which I be thinkin means dat schmoooove muthafucka has a straight-up...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we betta move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek, biatch? I be - - I be worried bout Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, peep his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude don't look so good. DONKEY What is you poppin' off about, biatch? I be fine. FIONA (kneels ta look his ass up in tha eyes) Thatz what tha fuck they always say, n' then next thang you know, you on yo' back. (pause) Dead. SHREK Yo ass know, she right. Yo ass look wack naaahhmean, biatch? Do you wanna sit tha fuck down? FIONA Uh, you know, I be bout ta make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't wanna say nothin' yo, but I gots dis twinge up in mah neck, n' when I turn mah head like this, look, (turns his neck up in a straight-up sharp way until his head is straight-up sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Whoz hungry, biatch? I be bout ta find our asses some dinner. FIONA I be bout ta git tha firewood. DONKEY Yo, where you goin', biatch? Oh, dude, I can't feel mah toes muthafucka! (looks down n' yelps) I aint gots any toes muthafucka! I be thinkin I need a funky-ass blunt. SUNSET Shrek has built a gangbangin' fire n' is cookin tha rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! This is straight-up good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! What tha fuck iz this? SHREK Uh, chronic rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, dis is delicious. SHREK Well, they also pimped out up in stews. Now, I don't mean ta brag yo, but I cook up a mean chronic rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc n' sighs. FIONA I guess I be bout ta be dinin a lil differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me up in tha swamp sometime. I be bout ta cook all kind of shiznit fo' you, biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name dat shit. FIONA (smiles) I'd like dat n' like dis n' like dat y'all. They smilez at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you, biatch...(sighs) Is you gonna smoke that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, aint dis romantic, biatch? Just peep dat sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset, biatch? Oh, no! I mean, itz late. I-It aint nuthin but straight-up late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I peep whatz goin' on here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Yo ass be afraid of tha dark, aren't yo slick ass? FIONA Yes muthafucka! Yes, thatz dat shit. I be terrified. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass know, I'd betta go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used ta be afraid of tha dark, too, until - - Yo, no, wait. I be still afraid of tha dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Dope night. SHREK Dope night. Fiona goes inside tha windmill n' closes tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Donkey looks at Shrek wit a freshly smoked up eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I straight-up peep whatz goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what tha fuck is you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear dat shit. Look, I be a animal, n' I gots instincts fo' realz. And I know you two was diggin' on each other n' shit. I could feel dat shit. SHREK Yo ass is crazy. I be just brangin her back ta Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up n' smell tha pheromones. Just go on up in n' tell her how tha fuck you feel. SHREK I- - Therez not a god damn thang ta tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - n' I aint sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she a bizzatch, n' I be - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah fo' realz. An ogre. DONKEY Yo, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! (sighs) Donkey looks over all up in tha big-ass pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens tha door ta tha Windmill n' strutts in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Fiona is nowhere ta be seen. DONKEY Princess, biatch? Supa-Hoe Fiona, biatch? Princess, where is yo slick ass, biatch? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from tha shadows yo, but we can't peep her muthafuckin ass. DONKEY It aint nuthin but straight-up spooky up in here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I ain't playin no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from tha railing. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch gets up only her dope ass don't be lookin like her muthafuckin ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch be lookin like a ogre n' Donkey starts freakin out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY Fuck dat shit, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Fuck dat shit, itz all gravy. It aint nuthin but all gravy. DONKEY What did you do wit tha bizzatch? FIONA Donkey, I be tha bizzatch. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It aint nuthin but me, up in dis body. DONKEY Oh, mah Dogg hommie! Yo ass ate tha bizzatch. (to her stomach) Yo ass betta hear me son? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I be bout ta git you outta there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is mah dirty ass. Donkey looks tha fuck into her eyes as she pets his crazy-ass muzzle, n' he on tha fuckin' down-lows down. DONKEY Princess, biatch? What happened ta yo slick ass, biatch? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I be skanky, aiiight? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it suttin' you ate, biatch? 'Cause I holla'd at Shrek dem rats was a shitty idea. Yo ass is what tha fuck you eat, I holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been dis way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean, biatch? Look, I ain't never peeped you like dis before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "By night one way, by dizzle another n' shit. This shall be tha norm... until you find legit lovez first kiss... n' then take lovez legit form." DONKEY Ah, thatz dope naaahhmean, biatch? I didn't give a fuck you freestyled poetry. FIONA It aint nuthin but a spell. (sigh) When I was a lil girl, a witch cast a spell on mah dirty ass. Every night I become all dis bullshit. This horrible, skanky beast son! I was placed up in a tower ta await tha dizzle mah legit ludd would rescue mah dirty ass. Thatz why I gotta marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before tha sun sets n' da perved-out muthafucka sees me like all dis bullshit. (begins ta cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Look, it aint dat bad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass aint dat skanky. Well, I ain't gonna lie. Yo ass is skanky. But you only be lookin like dis at night. Shrekz skanky 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I be a bizzatch, n' dis aint how tha fuck a bizzatch is meant ta look. DONKEY Princess, how tha fuck 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only mah legit lovez lick can break tha spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you kind of a orge, n' Shrek - - well, you gots a lot up in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is struttin towardz tha windmill wit a sunflower up in his hand. SHREK (to his dirty ass) Princess, I - - Uh, howz it going, first of all, biatch? Good, biatch? Um, phat fo' me like a muthafucka. I be aiiight. I saw dis flower n' thought of y'all cuz itz pretty n' - - well, I don't straight-up gots nuff props fo'it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you pretty. But I wanna take you ta Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I be up in shit. Okay, here we go. Dude strutts up ta tha door n' pauses outside when dat schmoooove muthafucka hears Donkey n' Fiona rappin'. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a phat peep me, Donkey. I mean, straight-up, whoz ass can eva ludd a funky-ass beast so hideous n' skanky, biatch? "Princess" n' "ugly" don't go together n' shit. Thatz why I can't stay here wit Shrek. Shrek steps back up in shock. FIONA (os) My fuckin only chizzle ta live happily eva afta is ta fuck mah legit love. Shrek heaves a thugged-out deep sigh yo. Dude throws tha flower down n' strutts away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey, biatch? Thatz just how tha fuck it has ta be. It aint nuthin but tha only way ta break tha spell. DONKEY Yo ass at least gotta tell Shrek tha real deal. FIONA No! Yo ass can't breathe a word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! No one must eva know. DONKEY Whatz tha deal wit bein able ta rap if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell his muthafuckin ass. But you should. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (goes outside) I just know before dis is over, I'ma need a whole lot of straight-up therapy. Look at mah eye twitchin'. Fiona comes up tha door n' watches his ass strutt away. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch looks down n' spots tha sunflower n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch picks it up before goin back inside tha windmill. MORNING Donkey be asleep. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek is nowhere ta be seen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Fiona is still awake. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch is pluckin petals from tha sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell his ass not. I tell him, I tell his ass not. I tell his muthafuckin ass. (she quickly runs ta tha door n' goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there be a suttin' I want...(she looks n' sees tha risin sun, n' as tha sun crests tha sky dat dunkadelic hoe turns back tha fuck into a human.) Just as she looks back all up in tha sun her big-ass booty sees Shrek stompin towardz her muthafuckin ass. FIONA Shrek. Is you all right? SHREK Perfect son! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - Therez suttin' I gotta rap , biatch. SHREK Yo ass don't gotta tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA Yo ass heard what tha fuck I holla'd? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Like you holla'd, "Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck could ludd a hideous, skanky beast?" FIONA But I thought dat wouldn't matta ta you, biatch. SHREK Yeah, biatch? Well, it do. (Fiona looks at his ass up in shock yo. Dude looks past her n' spots a crew approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a lil something. Farquaad has arrived wit a crew of his crazy-ass men. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude looks straight-up regal chillin up on his horse. Yo ass would never guess dat he only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up wit a yawn as tha soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss, biatch? What'd I miss, biatch? (spots tha soldiers) (muffled) Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck holla'd that, biatch? Couldn't done been tha donkey. FARQUAAD Supa-Hoe Fiona. SHREK As promised. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Straight-up well, ogre. (holdz up a piece of paper) Da deed ta yo' swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Take it n' go before I chizzle mah mind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (Shrek takes tha paper) Forgive me, Princess, fo' startlin you yo, but you startled me, fo' I have never peeped such a radiant beauty before. I be Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad, biatch? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his wild lil' fingers) Forgive me, mah lord, fo' I was just sayin a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his cow n' set down up in front of her n' shiznit yo. Dude comes ta her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, dat is so dope. Yo ass aint gots ta waste phat manners on tha ogre. It aint nuthin but not like it has vibe. FIONA Fuck dat shit, you right. Well shiiiit, it don't. Donkey watches dis exchange wit a cold-ass lil curious look on his wild lil' face. FARQUAAD Supa-Hoe Fiona, dope, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask yo' hand up in marriage. Will you be tha slick bride fo' tha slick groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothang would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent son! I be bout ta start tha plans, fo' tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait, biatch? Letz git gangbangindizzle before tha sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, is yo slick ass, biatch? Yo ass is right. Da sooner, tha mo' betta n' shit. Therez so much ta do! Therez tha caterer, tha cake, tha crew, tha hommie list. Captain, round up some guests muthafucka! (a guard puts Fiona on tha back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaadz whole jam begins ta head back ta DuLoc. Donkey watches dem go. DONKEY Shrek, what tha fuck is you bustin, biatch? Yo ass is lettin her git away. SHREK Yeah, biatch? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there be a suttin' bout her you don't give a gangbangin' fuck. Look, I talked ta her last night, Dat hoe - - SHREK I know you talked ta her last night. Yo ass is pimped out pals, aren't ya, biatch? Now, if you two is such phat playas, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go wit you, biatch. SHREK I holla'd at you, didn't I, biatch? Yo ass aint comin home wit mah dirty ass. I live alone biaaatch! My fuckin swamp! Me biaaatch! No Muthafucka else biaaatch! Understand, biatch? No Muthafucka dawwwwg! Especially useless, pathetic, buggin, poppin' off donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. Yo ass know what, biatch? Yo ass thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek arrivin back home. Fiona bein fitted fo' tha weddin dress. Donkey at a stream hustlin tha fuck into tha dragon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek cleanin up his house. Fiona smokin dinner ridin' solo. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek smokin dinner ridin' solo. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is smokin dinner when dat schmoooove muthafucka hears a sound outside yo. Dude goes outside ta investigate. SHREK Donkey, biatch? (Donkey ignores his ass n' continues wit what tha fuck da ruffneck bustin.) What is you bustin? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you peep one. SHREK Well, yeah. But tha wallz supposed ta go round mah swamp, not all up in dat shit. DONKEY It be round yo' half. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. See thatz yo' half, n' dis is mah half. SHREK Oh! Yo crazy-ass half yo. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, mah half. I helped rescue tha bizzatch. I did half tha work. I git half tha booty. Now hand mah crazy ass dat big-ass oldschool rock, tha one dat be lookin like yo' head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY Fuck dat shit, you back off. SHREK This is mah swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs tha tree branch Donkey is hustlin with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY Yo ass let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine biaaatch! (drops tha tree branch n' strutts away) DONKEY Yo, hey, come back here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I aint all up in wit you yet. SHREK Well, I be all up in wit you, biatch. DONKEY Uh-uh. Yo ass know, wit you itz always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what tha fuck son! Now itz mah turn! So you just shut tha fuck up n' pay attention! Yo ass is mean ta mah dirty ass. Yo ass insult me n' you don't appreciate anythang dat I do! Yo ass be always pushin me round or pushin me away. SHREK Oh, yeah, biatch? Well, if I treated you so bad, how tha fuck come you came back? DONKEY Because thatz what tha fuck playaz do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. Yo ass is right, Donkey. I forgive you, biatch... fo' stabbin' me up in tha back! (goes tha fuck into tha outhouse n' slams tha door) DONKEY Ohh! Yo ass is so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you afraid of yo' own vibe. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There yo ass is , bustin it again n' again n' again just like you did ta Fiona fo' realz. All she eva do was like you, maybe even ludd you, biatch. SHREK (os) Ludd me son, biatch? Biatch holla'd I was skanky, a hideous creature. I heard tha two of you rappin'. DONKEY Biatch wasn't talkin' bout you, biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch was talkin' about, uh, some muthafucka else. SHREK (opens tha door n' comes out) Biatch wasn't poppin' off bout me son, biatch? Well, then whoz ass was she poppin' off about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't sayin anything. Yo ass don't wanna dig mah dirty ass. Right, biatch? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I be sorry, all right, biatch? (sigh) I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit. I guess I be just a funky-ass big, stupid, skanky ogre. Yo ass betta forgive me son? DONKEY Yo, thatz what tha fuck playaz is for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what tha fuck did Fiona say bout me son? DONKEY What is you askin me for, biatch? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK Da wedding! We bout ta never make it up in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, fo' where, there be a a will, there be a a way n' I gots a way. (whistles) Suddenly tha dragon arrives overhead n' flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess itz just mah animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you, biatch. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't git all slobbery. No one likes a lick ass fo' realz. All right, hop on n' hold on tight. I aint had a cold-ass lil chizzle ta install tha seat belts yet. They climb aboard tha dragon n' dat dunkadelic hoe takes off fo' DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona n' Farquaad is gettin married. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da whole hood is there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Da prompta card muthafucka holdz up a cold-ass lil card dat say 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST Muthafuckaz of DuLoc, we gather here todizzle ta bear witnizz ta tha union.... FIONA (eyein tha settin sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our freshly smoked up mackdaddy... FIONA Excuse mah dirty ass. Could our laid-back asses just skip ahead ta tha "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chucklez n' then motions ta tha priest ta indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guardz is millin around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Suddenly tha dragon landz wit a funky-ass boom. Da guardz all take off hustlin. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I be bout ta whistle yo. How tha fuck bout that, biatch? (she nodz n' goes afta tha guards) Shrek, wait, wait son! Wait a minute biaaatch! Yo ass wanna do dis right, don't yo slick ass? SHREK (at tha Church door) What is you poppin' off about? DONKEY Therez a line you gotta wait for. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da preacherz gonna say, "Speak now or forever git freaky wit yo' peace." Thatz when you say, "I object!" SHREK I aint gots time fo' this! DONKEY Yo, wait. What is you bustin, biatch? Listen ta me biaaatch! Look, you ludd dis biatch, don't yo slick ass? SHREK Yes yes y'all. DONKEY Yo ass wanna hold her? SHREK Yes yes y'all. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (rappin Jizzy Brown style) Then you gots to, gots ta try a lil tenderness. (normal) Da chicks ludd dat horny-ass crap! SHREK All right son! Cut it out. When do dis muthafucka say tha line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As tha priest talks we peep Donkeyz shadow all up in one of tha windows Shrek tosses his ass up so his schmoooove ass can see. PRIEST And so, by tha juice vested up in mah dirty ass... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY Da whole townz up in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you homeboy n' hoe... Outside DONKEY They're all up in tha altar. Inside PRIEST ...kin n' biatch. Outside DONKEY Muthafucka Fletcher playa! Dude already holla'd dat shit. SHREK Oh, fo' tha ludd of Pete! Dude runs inside without catchin Donkey, whoz ass hits tha ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (runnin toward tha alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? Da whole congregation gasps as they peep Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what tha fuck do da thug want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches tha front of tha Church) Yea muthafucka, everyone yo. Havin' a phat time, is ya, biatch? I gots a straight-up boner fo' DuLoc, first of all. Straight-up clean. FIONA What is you bustin here? SHREK Really, itz rude enough bein kickin it when no one wants you yo, but showin up uninvited ta a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need ta rap ta you, biatch. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk, biatch? It aint nuthin but a lil late fo' that, so if you gonna excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry his muthafuckin ass. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he just marrin you so his schmoooove ass can be mackdaddy. FARQUAAD Outrageous muthafucka! Fiona, don't dig his muthafuckin ass. SHREK Dat punk not yo' legit love. FIONA And what tha fuck do you know bout legit love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, dis is precious. Da ogee has fallen up in ludd wit tha bizzatch! Oh, phat Lord. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (laughs) Da prompta card muthafucka holdz up a cold-ass lil card dat say 'Laugh'. Da whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre n' a bizzatch! FIONA Shrek, is dis true? FARQUAAD Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck cares, biatch? It aint nuthin but preposterous muthafucka! Fiona, mah love, we but a lick away from our "happily eva after." Now lick me biaaatch! (puckers his fuckin lips n' leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (lookin all up in tha settin sun) "By night one way, by dizzle another." (to Shrek) I wanted ta show you before. Biatch backs up n' as tha sun sets dat thugged-out biiiatch chizzlez tha fuck into her ogre self. Biatch gives Shrek a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, dat explains all muthafuckin day. It make me wanna hollar playa! (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It aint nuthin but disgusting! Guardz muthafucka! Guardz muthafucka! I order you ta git dat outta mah sight now! Git them! Git dem both! Da guardz run up in n' separate Fiona n' Shrek. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek fights dem wild-ass muthafuckas. SHREK Fuck dat shit, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus altas nothing. This marriage is binding, n' dat make me mackdaddy! See, biatch? See? FIONA Fuck dat shit, let go of me biaaatch! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Git outta mah way dawwwwg! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I be bout ta make you regret tha dizzle we met. I be bout ta peep you drawn n' quartered hommie! You'll beg fo' dirtnap ta save you, nahmean biiiatch? FIONA Fuck dat shit, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a thugged-out dagger ta Fionaz throat) And as fo' you, mah hoe... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I be bout ta have you locked back up in dat tower fo' tha rest of yo' days muthafucka! I be mackdaddy! Shrek manages ta git a hand free n' da thug whistles. FARQUAAD I'ma have order playa! I'ma have perfection! I'ma have - - (Donkey n' tha dragon show up n' tha dragon leans down n' smokes Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. No Muthafucka move. I gots a thugged-out dragon here, n' I aint afraid ta use dat shit. (Da dragon roars.) I be a thugged-out donkey on tha edge! Da dragon belches n' Farquaadz crown flies outta her grill n' falls ta tha ground. DONKEY Celebritizzle marriages. They never last, do they? Da congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I gots a straight-up boner fo' you, biatch. FIONA Fo' realz? SHREK Really, straight-up. FIONA (smiles) I gots a straight-up boner fo' you like a muthafucka. Shrek n' Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of tha cardz n' writes 'Awwww' on tha back n' then shows it ta tha congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly tha magic of tha spell pulls Fiona away. Dat hoe lifted up tha fuck into tha air n' dat freaky freaky biatch hovers there while tha magic works round her muthafuckin ass. WHISPERS "Until you find legit lovez first lick n' then take lovez legit form. Take lovez legit form. Take lovez legit form." Suddenly Fionaz eyes open wide. Dat hoe consumed by tha spell n' then is slowly lowered ta tha ground. SHREK (goin over ta her) Fiona, biatch? Fiona fo' realz. Is you all right? FIONA (standin up, her big-ass booty still a ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be supposed ta be dope. SHREK But you ARE dope. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hopin dis would be a aiiight ending. Shrek n' Fiona kiss...and tha lick fades into... THE SWAMP ...their weddin kiss. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek n' Fiona is now married. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! 'I be a Believer' by Smashmouth is played up in tha background. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Shrek n' Fiona break apart n' run all up in tha crowd ta they awaitin carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella n' Snow White try ta catch. But they end up gettin tha fuck into a cold-ass lil pussaaaaay fight n' so tha dragon catches tha bouquet instead. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da Gingerbread playa has been mended somewhat n' now has one leg n' strutts wit a cold-ass lil candy cane cane. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shrek n' Fiona strutt off as tha rest of tha guests jam n' Donkey takes over rappin tha song. GINGERBREAD MAN Dogg bless us, every last muthafuckin one. DONKEY (as da ruffneck done rappin n' we fade ta black) Oh, thatz funky. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Shrek



Writers : Lil' Willy Steig Ted Elliott

Genres : Animation Adventure Comedy Family Fantasy Romance





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