ROCK ISLAND, IL—Noting that the ceremony’s esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana College’s graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word “courage.” “Well, well, well—not even a single mention of the Merriam-Webster dictionary—this guy clearly plays by his own rules,” said graduate Alex Harris, watching in disbelief as the president of the Children’s Hospital of Illinois launched right into a no-holds-barred summary of his career without even once briefly pausing to ask the attendees to consider what the word “integrity” meant to them. “First, he didn’t say ‘Good morning,’ and playfully repeat himself to get a more enthusiastic response. Then, he looked out at the crowd and totally failed to mention that each of our faces represented untold potential to be unleashed upon the world. Nope, he just plowed through everything. Christ, the fucking balls on this big shot.” At press time, Harris had doubled down on his belief that the speaker was an “arrogant sonofabitch” after he somehow concluded his 30-minute speech sans a single quote from Robert Frost.

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