People have children for any variety of reasons:

– “I just want them.”

– “I want to do better by my child than my parents did by me.”

– “I’m afraid of being old and alone.”

– “I think it would be exciting to give someone a life. What better gift can you give?”

– “We wanted to save our marriage.”

– “I wanted him/her to marry me.”

– “We wanted to share this life experience with each other.”

– “I love children and have always wanted to be a parent.”

In a Lifetime Moms article–titled “Can Marriage Thrive Without Children?”–Melissa Chapman writes,

…had we not had kids over the course of our 13 year marriage there are many moments when, had it just been the two of us, I think it might have been over.

It’s probably true that children would inspire a couple to fight at least a little bit harder to salvage their relationship. There’s the children’s happiness and well-being to consider (and whether the children will be happier or better off if the parents stay married is situation-specific), the hassle of a custody battle to think about (assuming both parents fight for custody), who gets (or doesn’t get) to move where, etc.

This makes sense.

But Chapman then asks,

I’ve always wondered how and what keeps couples who don’t have kids, married. What is the glue that sustains married couples when that common goal of raising children and providing a home for them is not there?

I understand the question on a certain level. It’s asked out of curiosity by someone whose marriage was saved by the fact that she and her husband had children–living, breathing bonds pulling them back together.

However, it’s telling that the question has to be asked at all. It implies that the only obvious component to a couple’s happiness or longevity is children. Not love, not a chosen commitment, not a desire to be there, but children.

Chapman, a mother, isn’t the only one to wonder whether a marriage without children can last. On The Childfree Life forum, one user asked whether two people in a relationship can be enough.

As someone who thrives on newness, variety, excitement, and anticipation, and because I suspect others do, too, I wonder if the desire for emotional highs/rushes (excitement, newness, and something to change the routine) are ever a driving force behind having children.

Excitement #1: Dating

Excitement #2: Waiting for the engagement

Excitement #3: Engaged!

Excitement #4: Lead-up to the wedding

Excitement #5: Married!!

Excitement #6: …?

Excitement #6: …?

Excitement #6: …?

Excit… [Bueller?]

“Oh! Let’s have a baby!”

Excitement #6: Trying to get pregnant

Excitement #7: Pregnant!

Excitement #8-12: The pregnancy and all of its changes

Excitement #13: Having the baby!!

Excitement #14: Baby is born! Yay!

Excitement #15 – 20: First stages of new life (gurgles, beautiful poops, burps, first words, first steps)

Excitement #21: …?

Excitement #21: …?

Exci… [Bueller?]

“Oh! I know–let’s have another baby.”

I don’t mean to trivialize the decision to be a parent or to mock parents. I honestly wonder whether fear of boredom, whether personal or as it pertains to the relationship, is something that sometimes contributes to parenthood.

When it comes to sustaining a relationship that might otherwise have ended, I have no doubt that, such as in the case of Chapman and her husband (and others like them), there are times when people would have given up early if not for the kids, and that they later find staying together was the best thing they ever did–they’re happier than ever.

But when a couple has kids because they don’t think they’re enough on their own, or because they need the next exciting thing, or something over which they can “bond,” maybe they aren’t supposed to be together until they’re 90.

[Then again, there are couples who come together for children first, love second. (That’s when “settling” factors in.) And that’s a perfectly valid choice for those whose primary interest is raising children as long as they do it with adequate love and care for the children.]

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Sylvia D. Lucas is the author of

