CANTON, MA—The United States of America signed Dunkin’ Donuts to a 10-year deal Wednesday naming the doughnut company and coffeehouse as the exclusive food vendor of the U.S. “We’re proud and excited to welcome the United States to the Dunkin’ family by agreeing to be their one and only source of nourishment through 2028,” CEO Nigel Travis said of the $80 trillion contract between Dunkin’ Brands and the U.S. Congress, which guarantees the fast-food coffeehouse chain the sole right to provide foodstuffs to restaurants, grocery stores, school cafeterias, and millions of other provisioning and dining establishments across the country. “Whether it’s sports fans snacking on Big N’ Toasted sandwiches at the ballpark, celebrities ordering our Wake Up Wrap at a three-star Michelin restaurant, or our servicemen and women enjoying a refreshing Dunkaccino while on deployment, we look forward to being the only food option for Americans everywhere.” Nutritionists claim the partnership will relegate the average person to a diet consisting largely of sugar, empty carbohydrates, and elevated amounts of caffeine, thus leading to an approximate 20 percent overall improvement in American dietary intake.

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