Now that FDA and FTC are cracking down on online genetic testing there are fewer major players in the revolutionary new field of Perfectly Useless Genetic Screening (PUGS). So I thought that I could fill this void by re-branding GeeKnowType, my previous foray into artisanal personalized genetic testing. And voila! The RestaEZ Gene Panels™ were conceived.

The basic principle behind the RestaEZ Gene Panels™ is that if somebody, somewhere says something is genetic – especially if the source is the Internet – then enough consumers, er, patients, will believe it and I will offer a genetic test for it.

Here is a sample of some of the valuable medical information you will obtain from my RestaEZ Gene Panels™:

Restassured – The prenatal test that uses circulating free placental DNA that will assure you that your unborn baby is not gay, obese, gluten-sensitive, or unable to get into the finest college or preschool. Of course, I have nothing against overweight gay men who can’t even go out for pizza with his friends and who barely graduated high school, but, well, you know, parents should have a choice about these things.

UnderAResta – Worried that your adorable baby may be the next Baby Face Nelson? Then insist that your child’s pediatrician screen your baby for XYY, CTNNA2, and MAOA. A portion of the fee is donated to the Restatution Fund, which will pay any legal fees and bail on the outside chance that a random socioeconomic factor might influence your genetically normal child to break the law and affect the subsequent verdict and sentencing.

Restaurateur – Interested in a career as a chef but not sure if you have the palate for it? This panel – which includes TAS2R38, TAS1R2, TAS1R3, PKD2L1, and PKD1L3 genes – will let you know if you are a supertaster or if you may as well be eating cardboard or truffles for all you can tell. Order this panel and I will throw in polycystic kidney disease testing at no extra cost.

RestaLess Legs Do you think you may have wanderlust but can’t stay in one place long enough to find out? Are you losing sleep because you think that your partner may up and leave you out of the blue and leave you singing the blues? Then DRD4 analysis is what you need. Important – please leave a forwarding address so the results can be sent to you.

RestaLess Eggs – Are you paranoid that your hot new girlfriend will all of a sudden “find herself pregnant,” trap you into marriage, and ruin your otherwise excellent relationship and sex life? Then have her take the test for The Mom Gene when she asks if you think you two should move in together. No more fretting about lifetime sentences, umm, I mean, commitments.

PRestaDigitation – Whatever happened to The Vapors, Neursasthenia, Hysteria, and all those other diseases that were rampant in the 19th and early 20th century? Well, let me assure you that they are still with us but because doctors could never cure them they instead sold us the line that these were imaginary disorders and magically made them disappear by snapping their fingers and declaring them obsolete. I can just as easily wave my hands and make these maladies suddenly re-appear in near epidemic numbers; all I have to do is utilize social media to recruit people who think they are afflicted with these serious disorders. Although no genetic markers are yet available for these conditions, I am sure that if I run enough genome wide association studies I will find some linked anonymous markers. This will allow sufferers to receive personalized medical care, such as the water cure, magnotherapy, electrotherapy, uterine massage, and yogurt based enemas provided by spas, asylums, sanatoria, and other major medical centers.

I strongly recommend that anyone seriously interested in their genetic make-up include in their order the RestaTheResults Option. At little extra cost – only 50 cents per nucleotide – you will have access to every single genetic variant in your personal genome, including benign polymorphisms, synonymous variants, and every variant in your non-coding DNA. Because it’s your DNA, damn it, and you have the constitutional and God-given right to know your entire genetic blueprint and the government has no business withholding it from you.

I declare no conflict of interest when it comes to RestaEZ Gene Panels™. Sure, I make money off of the tests but that is beside the point. I am a good person, well-intentioned, guided by sound ethical principles, and I am only trying to make people’s lives better.