Had Wendy’s nuggets with frosty, then went home and napped until 7:45pm. Hop in the truck, drive to dad’s house to hand him over his birthday present (first season of Game of Thrones), and off to the hospital once more on July 8th, to get there around 8pm!

Wait 15minutes for a room, no big, and get placed into a different room than they had said before. I figure, no big. I’m pretty whatever. I just want Alice out.

They hook me up to monitors and IVs (but not before popping a vein) and I bleed all over everyone because the RN tripped over my IV and my blood was flying. It was awesome (this happened after my other vein was blown).

After that, I take an ambien and stare at the ceiling for an hour, long enough for it to kick in.

In comes bursting my OB and sits down, all serious, and starts telling me I have hypertension, protein in my urine, liver enzymes are looking not a-o-k, and that I have an 11lb baby, so there was no sane OB that would deliver it vaginally.

Between the ambien and his tone, I just stare. He then mentions my developing pre-e and how my gestational diabetes was a shock to him.

I stare, he stares, and then he said he’d be back to get some consent paperwork. I look at my SO and just stare, and he’s on the verge of panic attack, because we’re completely blindsided. Every appointment, up to now, we’ve had perfect reads.

OB comes back in and said he was wrong, they got the rooms switched, and that if I ever told anyone, he’d hire a guy to find me (he is a friend of the family, it seems, so he jokes with me).

The rest of the night is pretty quiet, save for the fact that I like to sleep on my side, and the monitors don’t like to be on chubby side bellies. SO and I get crappy sleep, but it’s ok, because we’re going to be parents in a few hours! Whoo!

5:45am rolls around and the RN comes in with Pitocin. I wanted to just have my water broke before the Pitocin went in, in case it wasn’t needed, but again… I just want Alice out. I’ve no regrets with how everything went down. Contractions pick up, OB comes in at 7am, contraction not only pick up but CARRY MY ASS THROUGH TRANSITION INSTANTLY. Man, that sucked. So bad.

By this time I’m sad, and just want an epidural, so anesthesiologist comes in right after OB and starts prepping me for the sweet, sweet relief. Feels odd, and there is a twinge of discomfort, but the only part that actually ‘hurt’ was when he was sterilising the spine with the bristle brush of ouch. By 7:45, epidural is placed and I’m on my back to let everything happen.

10:30am rolls around, I’m 10cm and 100%effaced. I start practice pushing. By 11:30am the OB comes in, takes one look at me, and says “STOP PUSHING!” I had stopped, by this point, but Alice had her own plans. So OB is rushing to prep, getting everything set, and then finally goes “Ok, gentle push!” I do a super tiny push, he freaks out that it’s too much, and then says “Ok, ok, very, very gentle.” So I sort’a cough, and baby slides right out at 11:51am.

She was gray and covered in white. It was… Weird as hell. I was expecting bloody and pink.

OB asks SO if he wants to cut the cord. SO doesn’t, so I do it. I squirt blood. Everywhere. Including onto SO. I felt bad, but couldn’t stop laughing. OB laid Alice on my chest right away while they cleaned her up, then SO took her afterwards so I could get stitched up. We didn’t delay cord clamping because, to us, it didn’t matter. She’s 100% healthy.

I tore in like… Three different places, and it took almost an hour to finish my stitches. Also, my bottom hurts very badly. I wish to cry. And have. Several times. I have a fourth degree tear and it’s no fun.

Since I’ve only been in PP for less than 24/hours, I don’t have much advice, but a few things I will mention are:

If you are restricted to not being able to eat while in labour (like I was), try purchasing flavoured water enhancers from the grocery store before you arrive. You can squirt the flavours on your ice chips, and they’re like snow cones! Plus, you don’t get in trouble!

Do not be afraid to ask for pain medication, post birth. Mine wouldn’t offer it to me unless I said I needed it, and now they’re being god sends about being sure I have something ’round the clock. Dignity/pride/whatever is not worth the discomfort you have to go through, ON TOP OF the shock your body JUST went through.

If you’re on the fence between an epidural and drug-free, note that you’re not failing if you choose to have an epidural. I don’t feel any less like a parent just because I chose to not feel the pain during birth.

Not everyone bonds with their child right away. I didn’t, and it freaked me the hell out. Your body just went through some intense things, and it will take your mind time to process this. You’re not failing as a parent if it takes you awhile to identify the chalky gray and white covered, crying thing as your child and not just a belly dweller. Seriously, it gets better. I am so in love.

Utilise the nursery after you deliver. This may just be a ‘me’ thing, but honestly, the 2-3 hours of nap that I took has saved my (and probably that of others) life. I’m still tired as hell, but at least not I can stay up during a feeding.

Breastfeeding sucks. I plan to stick with it, but holy shit. My poor nipples. Alice had a great latch from the moment she was first attempted to be fed, and nursed for thirty to forty minutes straight. An hour and a half later, she was brought back and nursed on the second boob for thirty to forty-five minutes. She’s a fiend. My nipples hurt. Ice packs help, so much.

Babies bruise? And turn purple? Yeah… It still freaks me out, but she’s purple and bruised right now, and they keep telling me that it’s normal. You’ll freak out over many things; always feel free to ask the (nice) staff!

TL;DR: Alice Evyline was born at 11:51am, July 9th 2013, weighing in at 8lb+5oz and 21in in length! She has a full head of wavy+black hair, has her daddies blue/gray eyes with a gold rim around the pupil (like her mum), and is pretty much the Bees Knees. She’s also super quiet, latches like a pro, and completely has her daddy wrapped around her tiny purple fingers.