Illustration by Leanne Shapton

$17.23 — Basic service

$37.35 — Standard service

$40.81 — Actual service

$12.50 — Federal taxes

$11.75 — Federal taxes, part two

$6.85 — New York City taxes

$5.35 — Fort Wayne, Indiana, city taxes

$3.45 — Singapore Nuclear Defense Fund

$16.30 — Twenty-five-per-cent gratuity

$13.99 — DVR (disabled video recorder)

$11.45 — HDTV you forget to use because it’s Channel 700-something

$8.12 — Color TV

$4.75 — Right to use that stylish @nyc.rr.com e-mail address

$14.32 — Landline you promised your parents you would keep as an “emergency backup” and now you only use to order Thai food

$1.35 — Random charge that’s too small to waste your time contesting

$7.25 — Remembrance Fee, for when you forgot your seventeen-digit Internet password and we had to remind you

$1.82 — Time Warner Appreciation Fee

$1.35 — Somehow this goes to Goldman Sachs

$0.32 — Part of the remaining balance on the cable box you purchased in 1993. Number of remaining payments: ∞

$14.95 — HBO you purchased just to watch reruns of “The Sopranos”

$12.50 — Mandatory purchase of HBO’s “Behind the Scenes: Marmaduke”

$8.40 — Mandatory purchase of HBO’s “First Look” at “Marmaduke 3”

$12.95 — Showtime you forgot you ordered

$12.95 — Cinemax you forgot you ordered

$9.95 — Starz you forgot was a channel

$6.95 — Moonz*

$0.02 — Internal joke

$40.20 — Watching a Non-New York Football Game Betrayal Surcharge

$3.95 — Your girlfriend’s niece’s friend somehow voted for “American Idol” through your cable box

$3.75 — What Ever Happened to “My Name Is Earl”? Fee

$11.45 — Your child watched the same episode of “Yo Gabba Gabba!” four hundred times

$1.18 — You cried during “Megamind”

-$4.95 — Credit for watching the film “Old Dogs” in its entirety

$2.10 — It’s a secret

$2.15 — Piers Morgan’s dental plan

$5.43 — Some junk

$0.99/day — Adoption of Eritrean boy named Kulu (photo attached)

$10.95 — That time you stole your neighbor’s Wi-Fi

$15.99 — People Get All Their Porn from the Internet Surcharge

$2.35 — This is a scam

$7.08 — Time Warner keychain

$53.71 — Shipping and handling for Time Warner keychain

$82.40 — Keychain Misdelivery Fee

$53.71 — Second attempt at delivering keychain

$12.71 — Oops, we had the wrong address

$104.23 — Keychain Restocking Fee

-$5.95 — Credit for improper charges on previous bill

$5.95 — Psych!

$120.32 — Residuals owed to composer of “Please hold” music

$12.99 — We’re going to Hell ♦

*fake