As FX's Archer nears the end of its sixth season (the penultimate episode airs tonight) and spring-travel season begins, we brought some pressing questions about vacations, airlines, and outfits to the World's Greatest Spy himself, and he answered them with signature aplomb. Here, in his own words, Sterling Malory Archer advises on everything you need to know for the warming weather, including cordwaining. May it improve your next getaway immensely.

1. What's your go-to spring vacation destination?

Usually I'll swing by Italy to have shoes made by my cordwainer, Antonio, which I can, after 14 years, only just now call him.

2. What sorts of things do you do there? What's a day like?

Most of the day is filled with questions, measurements, espresso, grappa, laughing, and caressing supple calfskin against my face.

3. Where would you like to go that you haven't yet been?

At this point, if I haven't vacationed somewhere it's because I have no interest in going there. For example—Western Australia. Call me when you've gotten rid of the scorpions and skin cancer.

4. Are you ever able to truly get away from your work as the World's Greatest Spy?

No. I'm pretty much always on call like a heart surgeon… or a heart surgeon's whore.

5. What's in your spring getaway bag? What are the travel essentials?

That depends. What am I getting away from? Russian assassins? The hustle and bustle of NYC? The husband of a one-night stand? Whatever the situation, my bag always has dental floss.

6. How has fatherhood changed your traveling routine?

Well, the main thing is A.J.'s diaper bag really clashes with my Alfred Dunhill luggage set.

7. Do you and Lana have anything romantic planned for this spring?

Spring break isn't about romance. It's about drunk, degrading sex. And yes—we plan on that.

Spring break isn't about romance. It's about drunk, degrading sex.

8. True or false: Sun's out, guns out?

Better question, true or false: There is a Myrtle Beach International Airport.

9. On the beach, do you swim or lie back on a chair?

Do you think those are the only two things you can do on the beach? There is so much more, like collecting sea shells, flying a kite, rubbing sand in your valet's dead little eyes.

10. What level of SPF do you recommend?

To be honest, I'm more educated on oils and natural lubricants.

11. What's your mini-bar drink?

I'll take whatever can fit into my pockets. It's nice to have something to sip on for the long elevator ride down to the hotel bar.

12. Turndown service: yay or nay?

What am I—an animal? The answer is yes, I am. Which is why I need someone to clean up my mess.

13. Do you ever fly commercial? If so, aisle, window, or middle?

I'll go for the aisle seat. I tend to get pretty needy when I'm drunk and feeling sorry for myself. Which reminds me... I've actually been banned from flying commercial.

14. What's one place you'll never go back to?

Probably Bahrain. There was an awkward miscommunication with the King. He thought I had sex with his daughter and I thought his daughter would not tell anyone.

15. What's your beach beverage?

Anything fruity, alcoholic, and served in a pitcher for one. And a crazy straw would be fun.

16. What are the best sunglasses for spies?

Ones with UV protection? Secret agents can get cataracts, too.

17. Flip-flops, slides, or espadrilles?

Why does everyone forget about huaraches? The sandal so nice they named a food after it!

18. How short is too short for a swimsuit?

Those things that look like a sock filled with tamarinds? That's too short.

19. When in Europe, do you Speedo?

Of course. It's weird if you don't. You don't want to look like that guy from my gym who works out in jeans.

20. Could you beat up a shark if need be?

Oh my god, I hope it need be.

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