Outside in Westminster Square, several thousand people protested against the prime minister’s decision to offer President Trump a state visit; inside Westminster Hall, a few dozen MPs – rather more than were in the main chamber for the report stage of the cultural property ( armed conflicts) bill – debated the two competing public petitions regarding the Donald’s proposed red carpet treatment.

Even though nothing that gets debated in Westminster Hall really counts for very much, it didn’t stop proceedings splitting along party lines. Especially as it was a matter of honour. In particular, the prime minister’s honour. For what was at stake wasn’t just the desirability of allowing the US president anywhere near the Queen, it was also Theresa May’s judgment in extending the invitation within seven days of the Donald getting his feet under the Oval Office desk.

Labour’s Paul Flynn got things under way by describing Trump as a man of protozoan intellectual capacity who had spent the first four weeks of his presidency creating ever greater mayhem. Just imagine how much worse things could get over the next few months before the state visit. If Trump ever got round to finding out where Sweden was, he might invade it. He’d said there was going to be trouble in Sweden and the Donald was nothing if not a man of his word. Je Suis Volvo.

“President Trump is already at rock bottom in the popularity ratings,” Flynn marvelled. It had taken Jeremy Corbyn a year to manage that. How desperate must Britain look in the eyes of the rest of the world to extend an invitation to a man who hated the free press, hated the judiciary and traded in racism, misogyny and homophobia? Not to mention confusion and VERY FAKE NEWS!

Steady on, old boy, Conservative Mark Pritchard interrupted. Britain had a very special relationship with the US and if the price of maintaining it was a bit of casual racism and unfortunate remarks about grabbing pussy then so be it. Live and let live. We’d all had a bit much to drink at various times in the past. Everyone apart from Trump.

“Quite right,” said Adam Holloway, another Tory. “I think there’s something refreshing about a politician who does what he says he is going to do.” And if the American people wanted a president who didn’t appear to have much grasp on reality then it was our job to be as obsequious as possible. The more offensive the president, the quicker we should offer a state visit.

This resonated with Nigel Evans who has recently anointed himself the official voice of The Will of the People. “Brexit, Brexit, Brexit,” he muttered. Anyone who didn’t like Trump was basically a Brexit denier. Politics had moved on in 2016 and the Remoaners had better get used to sucking it up. “Besides,” he concluded. “There is no real evidence of Trump ever having been racist.”

“Let me enlighten you, then,” said Labour’s David Lammy. “The president has the support of the Ku Klux Klan and welcomes white supremacists. We didn’t extend state visits to Kennedy, Truman or Reagan and an official visit would have been more appropriate. I’m ashamed it’s come to this.”

Conservative Julian Lewis wasn’t. What everyone needed to understand was that world war three would break out if we didn’t invite him. Simon Burns nodded sagely. The best way of being a candid friend wasn’t by standing one’s ground, it was by looking a bit desperate and needy. What Labour was failing to understand was just how canny the prime minister had been by promising President Trump the world on her first date. As a negotiating tactic with the EU, it might be rather less effective.

None of this cut much ice with the Labour and SNP MPs, who persisted in arguing that Theresa had made a major mistake and that we should expect rather higher standards of our friends than we do of our enemies. This was too much for Conservative Crispin Blunt, who decided to invoke a higher power.

“The Queen,” he said, kneeling on bended knee. “It was the Queen who had personally invited the Donald and it would be hugely embarrassing if the invitation was rescinded.” Her Maj had already booked in a round of golf with the Pres back at Buckingham Palace. The Queen turned off the TV in disgust. The state visit would go ahead as planned. Still, she could always have a headache.