Is a tiny penis a deal-breaker? Is the lady down the street a nut-job? Consult Dear John and find out.

Dear John,

I am a happily married woman with a 9-year-old son. Recently, another couple invited the three of us to share their favorite summer pastime with them: visiting a family-friendly naturist resort. We have talked in noncommittal terms with them in the past about accompanying them on one of these vacations. But in my heart of hearts, I was hoping it never came to an actual invitation that required a response. My husband is interested in giving it a try just out of curiosity—he doesn’t see us embracing the naturist lifestyle, but he loves trying new things, and the more unusual the better. But I am just not comfortable with the idea for reasons I can’t explain. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and I am not a prude, but I guess I feel that it’s kind of sad and misguided in a way—like the people who go to these places are a little too desperate for attention. I really don’t want to include my son in this not because of the nudity or fear of predators, but because of this feeling I have that it’s kind of pathetic. I think my husband will understand, but how do I tell my friends? They’re sweet, wonderful people and I want to turn down the invitation without making them feel judged or insulted.



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Signed,

Clothing Not Optional

Dear Clothing Not Optional,

I think you just have to tell them the truth. (Or part of it, anyway. You should probably leave out the “sad and pathetic” part.) Tell them now that this is a real possibility and not some hypothetical “someday,” you realize you’re not as comfortable with the idea as you thought you were and you’re going to decline this invitation. That shouldn’t make them feel judged or insulted. Just a little disappointed.

I can’t help but notice, though, the discrepancy between your opinion of nudists in general and the high esteem in which you hold your friends. It doesn’t sound to me like you think they’re misguided or desperate for attention. Maybe whatever it is they love about nudism would appeal to you, too, if you gave it a try.

♦◊♦

Dear John,

I have been dating a guy who I really like. He’s funny, considerate, secure, and we have very similar outlooks on life. Everything would be great except for one thing, and I feel bad even saying it: his penis is a size I didn’t even know they came in. He is, let’s say, minimally endowed. So far, sex has been more frustrating than enjoyable, and it’s a problem that’s difficult to talk about because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s at the point where I think this may permanently undermine our relationship. But is that fair to him? And me? Is it possible to have a fulfilling, loving relationship when something so basic is missing?

Sincerely,

Wants More

Dear Wants More,

To answer your main, question, yes, it’s definitely possible. But it requires a frank, possibly mildly uncomfortable conversation with your boyfriend, and there’s no getting around that. Think of the contradiction here: you don’t want to have this discussion for fear of hurting his feelings, yet you’re willing to dump him, presumably without an honest explanation. Which will hurt his feelings more, do you think?

It sounds like it’s fair to say that if he had an average-sized penis, you would envision a bright future for the two of you, right? If so, and all that’s missing for this to be great is a satisfying sexual relationship, then you can absolutely make this work. Talk with him about it. (If he has Internet access, there’s a nearly 100% chance he knows full well how small his penis is, so it’s not like you’re breaking anything to him.) Tell him you and he are going to embark on an exciting series of experiments to explore the many ways a couple can reach sexual fulfillment. His penis needn’t feel left out, but it will have to get used to sharing the spotlight with a range of other body parts, and possibly with some accessories as well. Handled with a sense of open-mindedness and curiosity, I think this could be quite enjoyable.

♦◊♦

Dear John,

I need an objective opinion as to whether the family down the street is crazy. My daughter and their daughter are great friends (both 8 years old), but we’re not really friendly with the parents. Nothing negative, we just don’t socialize with them. Every weekend, one of the girls will show up at the other’s house bright and early, and they’ll play as long as family schedules will allow. When they get sick of being at one house, they’ll go over to the other’s.

Yesterday, for the second time, my daughter had been home for over an hour and was doing her homework when the other girl’s mom called and asked me to send my daughter back to their house so she could clear her lunch dishes off the table and put them in the sink. She explained (for the second time) that they are very strict about chores at their house, my daughter was asked to do so while she was there and apparently forgot, and she thought it was the right lesson for both of our kids if mine were to return and do what was asked of her. I was torn because I wanted to tell her I thought this was nuts, but I didn’t want to ruin my daughter’s friendship, so, seething the entire time, I accompanied her down the street and waited while my daughter put her dishes in the sink. Come on—this IS nuts, right?? What should I do the next time this comes up, as I’m sure it will?

Sincerely,

The Sane Mother

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Dear Sane Mother,

Well, it’s certainly extreme. But the next time it comes up, you should probably do exactly what you’re doing.

It’s wonderful for your daughter to have a good friend a few houses away. Playing together will help her learn to navigate interpersonal relationships, share, compromise, get lots of exercise, and become more comfortable without you around. It was wise of you to squelch your understandable vexation so your daughter can continue playing with her friend.

I think you should simply explain to her that different houses have different rules, as well as different consequences for breaking the rules. Sally’s parents are super serious about putting stuff away when you’re done using it, so she should try to remember to do that, because the way it works at Sally’s house, if she doesn’t, Sally’s parents will call her back to do it anyway. That’s just the way it is over there. And you can also encourage the girls to hang out at your house more often so Sally also gets to see that different houses have different rules. And she could probably use a break!

—photo victoriapeckham/Flickr