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AT A VITAL summit between EU leaders and Britain in Salzburg, where negotiations were expected to take a long overdue step forward in the right direction, EU leaders have confirmed that British PM Theresa May is still talking ‘complete and utter bollocks’.

On matters of trade, immigration, free movement, the single market, what day of the week it is and the Irish border, May remains deeply attached to making absolutely no sense, according to prominent EU leaders.

“She has insisted Britain has moved on several positions, which is partially true as she and her cabinet have finally agreed to read the Good Friday Agreement and look up Northern Ireland on a map, but aside from that she’s still talking bollocks,” a weary French President Emmanuel Macron shared.

The British PM has stressed the need for compromise from the other 27 EU leaders and stated that since Britain utterly fucked itself by leaving the EU and run by incompetents, it is up to the EU to do all the work to ensure Britain doesn’t ruin itself financially.

“Not this fucking bullshit again,” Angela Merkel said under her breath as May launched into a behind-closed-doors speech at a dinner with EU leaders last night.

Merkel later denied grabbing a bread knife, mounting a table and running for the British PM while screaming ‘say strong and stable one more fucking time, I dare you’.

In better news for Ireland, the British government’s position on the Irish border has changed significantly with May’s official position now set at shrugging her shoulders and saying “what if we repeat the stupid and ignorant things we said a year ago, only this time, much louder?”