MURFREESBORO, TN – The Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders won the Conference USA East Division this past weekend, beating the heavily-favored UAB Blazers and earning the right to host the Conference USA Championship Game at the massive, cavernous, and inevitably-empty Floyd Stadium. And the MTSU players and coaches wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It’s an exciting win for this team,” said MTSU Head Coach Rick Standstill. “And to think that we earned one more home game in front of all of these empty seats. Nothing makes me happier than watching the tens of people in the stands cheering us on. It’s exhilarating.”

MTSU hosted five home games in the regular season this year, averaging sixteen fans per game. Fans in attendance each week were strongly encouraged to sit where they could not be seen by players and coaches, preventing an interruption of the atmosphere of disregard for the program and complete apathy.

“Sometimes it’s hard to get worked up for away games,” said MTSU Quarterback Brent Standstill. “Those schools have fans that yell and cheer, which is so distracting. Home games are so much better. When we know that we get to play at home in front of a completely empty stadium, miles away from anyone who gives a damn about our team, we always play at our best.”

Tickets for the game went on sale Monday.

MTSU Athletic Director Kris Mossimo immediately purchased every ticket for the game and lit them on fire.

“My job is to build what’s best for this program,” said Mossimo. “And, if history shows anything, it shows that our city understands that the most important thing for our football team is keeping that stadium completely empty.”

“And I mean empty,” he added, pointing a finger towards those present. “You stay the hell home.”

“Go Vols,” Mossimo muttered to himself while drowning out the smoldering ashes of a stadium full of tickets.

(Hey you there reading this article. Maybe put down your phone, buy a ticket to the game, and go support your damn hometown team.)