Joey Watkins says he can’t wait to once again live just down the hall from his older brother (inset), who doesn’t have the financial resources to live anywhere else.

GAHANNA, OH—Talking about how fun it will be to “hang out like old times,” local 13-year-old Joey Watkins expressed excitement Thursday upon learning his older brother, who in the current job market has found no prospects for employment, has no choice but to move back home after college.


The eighth-grader was reportedly overjoyed by the news that his 22-year-old brother, Derek, will return to live in his parents’ house after his graduation from Ohio State University, where he has spent much of his senior year researching companies and applying for jobs and internships, but to no avail.

“Man, it’ll be great having Derek around all the time,” Joey said of the depressed and frustrated economics major, who, despite expanding his job search far beyond his areas of interest and sending applications all over the country, cannot find even part-time work among the present supply of entry-level positions. “I haven’t seen him in so long. He was really busy this semester, so he hasn’t been around much since Christmas.”


“I can’t wait to help him unload all his stuff and move back into his room,” Joey continued. “We’re gonna have so much fun!”

Sources confirmed Derek will be staying indefinitely in his old childhood bedroom, which was converted into a home office when he left for college in 2012. According to reports, while Derek was investigating the steps to procuring a real estate license last weekend in a desperate bid to find any source of employment, Joey was helping his parents clean out the room and move his brother’s furniture back in, with the younger sibling reportedly noting how he wanted to make everything look just as it did four years ago so Derek would feel at home.


Joey also conveyed his hopes that Derek—who in his fruitless attempts to find work contacted at least a dozen recruiters online, met with three different career counselors, and attended numerous networking events—will return to his old summer job at the local cineplex so the two brothers can go see movies together for free the way they used to.

“We’ll be able to go to the batting cages every day—it’ll be awesome,” said Joey, whose older brother reportedly has only $500 to his name and hopes to save as much as he can to cover travel expenses to potential job interviews, should he be fortunate enough to land one anytime soon. “There’s so much cool stuff we’ll finally get a chance to do once Derek is home and doesn’t have a bunch of work to do all the time.”


“He’ll even be able to drive me to the mall on days when Mom doesn’t need the car,” Joey added.

Reports indicate that while the younger Watkins has already compiled a long list of things to do with his brother, one that includes watching baseball games, going to McDonald’s, and swimming at a local pool, the college graduate is expected to spend most of his time hunched over a computer scrolling through job listings and sending out résumés in search of any freelance or temp position he can possibly take as a stopgap until something more permanent comes along.


Sources added that upon learning of Derek’s return, Joey immediately texted “See you soon!” to the graduating senior, who, though he has had trouble sleeping recently due to his constant anxiety, continues to research last-ditch job prospects while also writing term papers and preparing for final exams.

“I just got the new FIFA, which is perfect because we can play all weekend after his graduation,” said Joey, whose brother will within weeks grow discouraged by his unsuccessful job search and sink into a state of deep, debilitating despair that will cause him to give up looking altogether. “It’ll be so cool. I hope he stays for a really long time.”