by A-Hole Philosopher, CW Brown, Mark W. Gura and Rosi Guastella

“It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I am offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what.” Stephen Fry

A-hole Philosopher: I have a lot of Christian friends, I hang out with them all the time, and I tolerate their stupid superstitious religious posts, chain letters, and crazy prayers sent to my inbox. They might as well send me dick pics. That might turn me on more than angels with feathery turkey lips.

Passive atheist: That’s great, that you’re tolerant of people’s religious views. I’m being sarcastic. You asshole!

A-hole Philosopher: I don’t get it, why do religious people go on and on about how great God is? They are forever praising their supernatural beliefs. God is some geeky nerd-hole with a hairy nose and a balding forehead who plays with his willy on Sundays. We created God in our own image to satisfy our own needs.

Are you trying to brainwash me? Your religious nonsense offends me. I keep quiet, like a jerk, under a rock, in the name of friendship, but then I make one post about there not being a God, and you go batshit crazy!

Even loved ones, people who’ve been best friends for years, they pretend to be tolerant and expect atheists to be tolerant, but they’re not tolerant of my atheism. The truth is that they hate opposing viewpoints–and they call me a bigot.

Agnostics, they’re the worst. If they have no knowledge of a god, they cannot be classified as believers, but agnostics often pretend to be all things to all people. Yeah, I know, the classic definition has to do with knowledge vs. belief, but that’s not the point. Atheism is an absence of belief in a god or gods–for whatever reason and under whatever context. Period.

Passive atheist: Why denigrate a person’s belief system, especially if it gives them hope and comfort?

A-hole Philosopher: Oh, so I’m not allowed to criticize their religion, but they can slam my absence of belief all day long, ostracize me whenever I speak up, and treat me like an asshole when I talk about my views. But do that to them, and “Oh no! You’re a piece of shit!” They can’t wait for God to strike me and hope he punishes me severely with tragedy. In fact, I think they secretly hope disaster strikes me, and my nipples dry and wither, so they’ll have some sort of confirmation that sky da-da is real.

If I shat an ostrich out of my ass, would that be considered a miracle? Of Biblical proportions? No, not to them, they would deny it. Their confirmation bias works to justifies their perceptions, and it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Passive atheist: (offended) I don’t think it’s necessary to bash religion. They’re not hurting anyone.

A-hole Philosopher: Come on, they’re just being passive-aggressive douchebags who think that their ‘compassion’ makes them better than everyone else. Some of my friends, whom I’ve known since childhood, have actually pushed me aside. They’ve stopped being friends, just because I lack belief. Everyone is compassionate when they are proving their own point. Let them attach electric eels to their sweaty genitalia, and let’s see how compassionate they really are.

Passive atheist: Maybe they are embarrassed to be associated with someone who bashes their beliefs?

A-hole Philosopher: Yeah, maybe they don’t have the courage to be loyal, or to tolerate friends who have opposing ideas. I feel so used. This is so frustrating. As long as I’m funny or inspirational, or they need me for something, they suck on my teets and tolerate and overlook my non-belief. Otherwise, they hide in their spider-holes and asshole-caves and have no use for me. At the same time, they allow themselves to post their religious nonsense, even though it puts down my point of view. Pass this statement to 15 people in the next 10 seconds or your granny’s upper lip will grow a mustache– backward.

Passive atheist: Damn… I don’t even know what to say. You really are an asshole. Just let people be who they are.

A-hole Philosopher: Oh, yeah, why don’t you molest me, and leave the kids alone. I’ll let you be who you are. Let’s let the religious types continue to control the entire world, all the economies, most of the world’s social-cultural norms, the politics and the laws, and even all the holidays, and shut the f..ck up, while they breed and indoctrinate more children to believe in nonsense, every single day. And your only response is “Don’t be mean to religious people.” Are you protecting these assholes and oppressors? What kind of Judas are you? If everyone did what you’re suggesting, our brains and bodies would be forever enslaved by religion. Someone has to rock the boat!

We’re finally making ground to approach the precipice of equality, and just because equality looks like persecution to religious folk, it doesn’t mean it’s not equal. We’re far from complete equality, believe me.

Passive atheist: Religion has helped humanity throughout history. Some humans are wired to be religious. It is obvious people can’t live without religion, without spirituality, without deeper and more meaningful ways of perceiving reality.

A-hole Philosopher: People have been stupid for eons, it doesn’t mean we have to remain stupid. If religion did not exist, we would fill the gaps with something else. Why not observe secular philosophies that are based on evidence and not on superstition? Why not meditate in a secular way, in order to get in touch with altered states of consciousness, which is all that “spirituality” really is, anyway? Why not think deeply and ethically and compassionately, without having to have faith in myths?

(Enters) Religious person (Passive atheist’s friend): How do you know Christianity is a myth and not the truth?

A-hole Philosopher: People “needed” the Babylonian religion before Christianity existed, and they thought it was real. Then came Egyptian mythology, Greek, Roman and Scandinavian myths, and we now know it was all BS. Is there any evidence for any Christian supernatural beliefs? If there is no evidence to support a belief, it’s just an opinion. Opinions are like assholes, and everybody’s got one. Current religions are future mythologies.

Passive atheist: Even if you’re right about supernaturalism, what’s the point of taking away religious ceremonies if they fill a cultural need?

A-hole Philosopher: Fine, keep your cultural practices, they are benign enough. But those religious practices, oh man, keep using your lips to circumcise babies. Dip little kids in vats of hand-oil-washed-water, while pretending that drinking wine and eating shit-cake wafers is some sort of magical, cannibalistic, human-sacrifice experience. But you won’t find me cutting down cultural practices.

Just go ahead and dip your balls in red candle wax and pretend they’re Christmas ornaments that you’re sending to aunt Suzie for Easter, for all I care. Just don’t confuse your anal beads with your rosaries, put them in your mouth or anything, or the congregation will crucify you.

Religious person: Your denigration of religion offends me.

A-hole Philosopher: I am so sick and tired of snowflake assholes being offended. I’m so sick and tired of kissing Christian ass. I’m so tired of being given shit about being too aggressive towards religions that aggressively control so many aspects of my life.

Religious person: Oh, and your recycled atheist memes, suck! They’re worthless, purposefully provocative and insulting. You’d do better if you posted motivational messages that inspire people.

A-hole Philosopher: Memes inspire conversation, they rally the troops, and bring attention to things our community cares about. Motivational memes don’t do so well.

Recycling memes lend an air of familiarity. Recycled memes are usually more popular than new memes.

When people are offended by a meme, this indicates that the meme has challenged that person’s thinking. This encourages a person to evaluate their thought processes and their feelings. Memes serve as anti-indoctrination tools. They help restructure the brain by developing new neural pathways. Create enough new neural pathways, and this creates a non-delusional new you.

Passive atheist: You’d really do much better if you were nice to religious people if you had a real dialogue with them. You’re not convincing anyone when you act all aggressive.

A-hole Philosopher: What’s a nice way to tell a person that they are deluded? Face it, religious people want to indoctrinate everyone with their myths, and they love passive yes-men who are no threat to them. They hate aggressive people who rock the boat and make them feel stupid. They hate people who expose them for the liars that they are. Religions lie because they convince people that their religious opinions are the truth! Opinions are not facts or knowledge. They are merely opinions.

Religious person: Isn’t your atheism an opinion?

A-hole Philosopher: Atheism is an absence of belief, it is not a claim. The burden of proof is on religion because religion is making a claim. Atheism merely calls out religion on its lack of evidence. It exposes religious doctrine as mere opinion. Religious supernatural claims are not backed by evidence. Such claims are unfalsifiable and untestable. This results in religion not being able to prove its point, and that’s too bad for religion. “Faith” is just another fancy word for “opinion.”

Passive atheist: Oh, these propagandistic arguments, and slogans, and reductionist statements do you no good. They do not work!

A-hole Philosopher: Nonbelief is on the rise! Philosophically, we are winning the war with religion. The only thing they have on us is birth-rate. Religious people breed like rabbits. And still, relatively speaking, fewer people are religious today than 20 years ago. Science, reason, and logic exposes the nonsense. But you’re asking atheists to shut up, while religious people pat you on the back and tighten the noose on rational thought. Don’t be such a pleaser. What the hell is up with your need for approval from church-going types, like that matters. Logic and reason are being smothered while you’re pandering to religion.

Religious person: I’ll pray for you!

A-hole Philosopher: That’s all you’ve got? ‘I’ll pray for you?’ How about, I’ll think for you! That’s so condescending. The minute you say you’ll pray for me, it shows me you’ve lost the argument. I’m so sick of religious types giving me canned replies. This really pisses me off. It confirms you’ve been brainwashed.

Religious person: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m merely telling you what I truly feel.

A-hole Philosopher: You all say the same things when you don’t know what to say. If your sky daddy wanted to tell me something, he wouldn’t need you to say it.

If you’re going to try to intimidate me, look at it from my point of view. Substitute your god’s name with the name of any other god. If that god does not scare you, your God won’t intimidate me. Instead of saying, “God will smite you,” say, “Krishna will smite you.” I don’t believe in your God any more than you believe in Krishna.

Religious person: Hey, there is no way that you’re going to get anywhere with me, by being an asshole.

A-hole Philosopher: Oh really, so if I stroke you real nice, then you’re going to admit that you’re living a delusion and you’re going to become an atheist? Since when has being nice to religious folks ever made them non-religious? I’ll bet that if I confirmed your beliefs, you’d just sit there smugly thinking you were right, and you’d pat me on the back with a smile.

Religious person: You could use epistemological techniques to help me question my beliefs, said in a way that would not hurt my feelings, this might make me really think about it all.

A-hole Philosopher: Maybe. Seeding doubts is okay, but I like being up front. I just want to put it all out there. That’s me, that’s my personality. I’m not the passive-aggressive type. If you’re passive-aggressive, and you want to be aggressive, but you just can’t stomach being aggressive and you have to be passive with your attacks, fine. Then use your passive-aggressive tools. I ain’t gonna tell you not to, but please don’t tell me not to use my methods.

The truth of the matter is that I’m much more aggressive than you are. Aggressiveness works, and it’s only “bullying,” as you call it, if someone is subjected to my ridicule without their consent. If you dare try to school me, then you’ve consented to hear my point of view. If you do not wish to have a debate with me, stay off my wall, and stay out of my presence. If you’re confident enough to dish it out, then be courageous enough to take it.

A healthy discussion is an exchange of ideas. The problem is that believers think it is their ‘God’ given right to indoctrinate everyone. If they get to brainwash, we have the right to un-indoctrinate.

Passive atheist: Aggressiveness NEVER works! You put people on the defensive and they dig-in. They shut down. You don’t get anywhere with them!

A-hole Philosopher: Oh no, quite the contrary. When I hit people’s indoctrination, and they get defensive, then I know I’ve done my work! Defensiveness shows that a nerve has been hit. I know from experience that if I continue to attack, then some percentage out of every x number of people will evaluate their beliefs. The problem with snowflake atheists is they give up as soon as someone becomes defensive, and they stop their anti-indoctrination work. Passive people prefer passive methods. Let them, but don’t tell aggressive atheists to step-down.

Passive atheist: You’re being militant and militancy is disgusting! It doesn’t work, and it has never worked.

A-hole Philosopher: Militant? You don’t know the meaning of the word. I am having a philosophical exchange with you. I may not be a Rhodes Scholar type, an intellectual. I’m a low-brow dude, I speak commonly, but I’m keeping it real.

Real militance, that’s you Christians, when you were giving native Americans blankets with pox in them, and when you were skewering human beings with your Conquistador swords. Why didn’t Christian compassion arise in you then? Why didn’t Christians say, “Oh, if we would just be nice to native Americans, then they will convert to Christianity!” No! You forced and enslaved them, and they are still Christians today. You religious types have always used the most physically militant means possible. But when someone gets just a bit aggressive with you, with words, you cry foul.

Passive atheist: Okay, enough with all this Christian bashing. Why don’t you ever pick on other religions?

A-hole Philosopher: Yeah, you’re right. Which fairy has prettier wings? I should remind people that unicorns, tooth fairies and Jesus are about as nonsensical as Allah and Zeus.

Passive atheist: Just be compassionate, don’t be rude. That’s all I’m saying. Be a good and ethical human.

A-hole Philosopher: It’s unethical to allow religion to get away with lies. Atheist activists use both aggressive and passive methods to help people realize that religion is lying.

Our job as atheist activists is to continuously remind everyone that religion lies and that these lies are controlling our world, whether activists do so aggressively or gently, this is our prerogative.

Religious person: Just be nice.

A-hole Philosopher: Atheists shouldn’t gratuitously insult religious people, or be hostile for the sake of being hostile, but passive techniques limit the tools that we use. More aggressive techniques work, and they work very well. They have always worked. If you’re passive, fine, be passive, but don’t be a snowflake whiner who tries to stop the aggressive girl from doing her thing. Let’s use all the tools in our toolbox to combat indoctrination!

Please see Sarah Mill’s article about Gentle Atheism vs. Aggressive Atheism:

https://www.atheistallianceamerica.org/aggressive-gentle-atheism-debate-gura-mills/

The A-hole Philosopher is just that, an a-hole and a philosopher. He’s a devil’s advocate by trade who lives in Kathmandu, spends his days operating on butterflies, and does not mind kicking sweet old gramps in the gonads when grandpa gets out of line in his thinking (this is metaphorical of course, the A-hole Philosopher is not into violence. They are an activist, they write with piss, they are an author, a she-male-douche-tard who makes everyone angry. In the end, though, communication occurs, thoughts leak into crevices never before explored, and this is the point.

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