Trump Orders Golden Showers Installed in White House

Apr 13, 2018

In what is being decried as a waste of taxpayer money, new documents were revealed today showing Trump’s mandate to install all White House bathrooms with golden showers.

Trump, known to have a bit of a fetish for all things gold, reportedly has a hard time cleaning himself off, unless the water itself comes down upon him "as a pure golden fountain of Russian gold."

The documents were revealed by Former FBI Director James Comey in his upcoming memoir A Higher Loyalty.

Comey claims that the showers are so large and lavish that one could fit “four Russian prostitutes” inside of each one. It reportedly cost US taxpayers a whopping $10 million dollars each time Trump wishes to bathe. This is largely due to the quality of Russian liquids needed to be first consumed to generate such golden liquids. A five-liter bottle of Leon Verres’ “Billionaire Vodka” is preferred, each costing $7.5 million dollars, and must be drunk its entirety by four highly-paid female Russian chemists, who somehow consume the expensive vodka and convert it into a golden liquid that Trump uses to bath with, via a highly classified and yet unnamed mythological and alchemical Russian state secret process.

Trump has denied any wrongdoing, arguing that “first, one could easily fit ten Russian prostitutes inside my bathrooms, not four, because they’re so huge. But I’m a germaphobe and the only things allowed to touch my gold are me and Jesus Christ. Not something you bathe with! Anyway who has time to shower? I’m busy running this country. I’m building a golden wall powered by Mexican Latinas!”

Vice-President Pence also stepped into the discussion, adding, "I don't know the details of these showers, but one thing is for sure, if such a heavenly form of liquid does exist for bathing purposes, I'd like to try it with my family."

One thing is for sure, this story will not be relieving itself any time soon. Tune in here at The Tilted Glass as more news seems to be trickling in daily.