Famous computer scientist and pioneer in sorting things very fast Tony Hoare estimated in 2009 that the accumulated damage of introducing the null pointer would amount to a few billion dollars. Ten years and a lot of NullPointerExceptions later, one can safely assume that this problem now surpasses the predicted costs of climate change and nuclear extinction combined. This being both awesome and terrifying at the same time, we decided to provide a solution and save the world a lot of trouble.

Our suggestion is as simple as it’s effective: Rename the null keyword in the next Java release. As widely recognized business experts have pointed out only recently, giving things a new name actually changes the way we use it. Ask your wife.

The true intent of null

After years of intense research at the Clean Code Department of The Woke Programmer, we could scientifically prove and identify the perfect new name for our beloved null:

fuckyou

What seems rude and aggressive at first, emerges to be the ideal carrier of the deep and pure intent of any true null coder:

“Let’s just insert this convenient placeholder and make everyone else write stupid boilerplate to check for it. I don’t care. Fuck you!“

Returning null

Please let us elaborate this point further with a quick real-life example:

public Order placeOrder(final List<Item> items) { if(items.isEmpty) { return null; } ... return new Order(items); }

Now experience this version to be much more down to the point:

public Order placeOrder(final List<Item> items) { if(items.isEmpty) { return fuckyou; } ... return new Order(items); }

This is the exact equivalent to an actual store officer rejecting an order with a clear and straight “Fuck you!“. Sure, it delivers the point – an empty order is strange. But there are certainly more elegant ways around this.

Expecting null

Same thing with designing your method interface around the caller passing null:

public User set(final String password) { if(password == fuckyou) { return new User("guest"); } ... }

“Please insult me and I will let you in“. This is just weird.

Passing null

So, for some reason you filthy shit decide that this is a good idea:

makeMeASandwich(meat, cheese, avocado, fuckyou);

You should directly receive (and deserve) this neat replacement of the current NullPointerException:

Exception in thread "main" java.lang.FuckYouTooException

This is exactly accurate. Imagine being at Subway’s. Ordering a meatball marinara sandwich with cheddar cheese and extra avocado. “Do you like bacon also?” – “Fuck you!“. You cannot blame her for being pissed at you. You’re an asshole. As a customer AND as a programmer.