The fifth season of Lost kicks off with some mind-bending physics, crazy ninja moves, a few blasts from seasons past, and a guy named Frogurt.



“Tonight on Losterpiece Theater we bring you the harrowing tale of a young British aristocrat and her trials and tribulations upon choosing a suitable husband…”

“Surely you can’t be serious!”

“OBVIOUSLY. Tonight on Lost we bring you the craziest mindf#@k of an episode ever. And…don’t call me Shirley.”

***

So these miner guys come and grab Dr. Candlewax and this dude is like “Sir, you can’t drill any deeper or else this hole is going to explode!!”

“That’s what she said. And anyway, it’s not all bad. Behind that hole is just wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff.”

And Daniel’s like I don’t get it…who is “she?”…and isn’t it like, 1972? Shouldn’t I be in Speed Racer underoos and not fully grown and bearded?

***

“Did someone say Speed Racer? I heard that movie was awful awesome. So many…pretty colors….” *starts humming Go Go Speed Racer to himself*

“Hi! I’m Earth!! Have we met!?”

“I don’t…think…so…”

So Ben is all “WE HAVE TO GO BACK” and Jack’s like “THAT IS MY LINE!” whilst removing the dead animal carcass that had been living on his face!

And Ben’s like “Let’s wrangle up all your Oceanic 6 pals and take them on a tropical vacation!” And then they had a sing-off!!

♫ Aruba! Jamaica! Ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama! ♫

♫ Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat worms!!! DIPPED IN CODEINE!!! ♫

♫ We get by with a little help from our friends. Get high with a little help from our friends. Although obviously you’re good going solo on that second part. ♫

♫ I AM A ROCK!!! I AM AN ISLAAAAND!!! ♫

“Right, because a rock feels no pain, and an island NEVER CRIES. Excuse me while I ROFLMAO.”

***

And then the island wanted to jump into the sing-off with a little “Jungle Love” by Morris Day and the Time…Travelers!!!!!

So anyway as it tuns out, spinning Ye Olde Frozen Donkeye Wheele = CTRL + ALT + DELETE-ing the island!! So now everyone is experiencing the Blue Screen of Death, i.e. THE ISLAND IS HOPPING AROUND IN TIME!!! O_O

Lucky for us, Sawyer left his shirt in 2004! Unfortunately his pants did not suffer the same fate.

So then Bernard comes running out of the jungle and he’s all “WE CAN’T GO BACK TO THE CAMP, THERE IS NO CAMP!!!”

And then this little bald kid is all “WE CAN’T USE THE SPOON, THERE IS NO SPOON!!!” and we’re all like “WTF IS HAPPENING!?”

And Sawyer’s like “Where did our camp go, all my shirts were in my tent!”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to remain topless for a while, you see, your camp hasn’t even been BUILT yet!!” *DUN DUN DUNNNNNN*

***

Now we’re back in 2007 and Kate’s hanging out with her baybeh Aaron when these two dudes come to the door and they’re all like “Ve vant to take yourrrr blood!”

“What, are you guys vampires or something!?”

“Actually no, I’m the dad from My So-Called Life and my friend is the villain from every 80’s teen movie. We’re here to prove that your kid is/isn’t really yours!”

So of course Kate puts on her best running pumps, grabs some travel shampoo, her pajamas, a giant wad of cash, and a big honkin’ gun and screams “ROAD TRIP!!!!!!”

***

“Hey Professor Honeydew, gimme yer shirt!”

And Miles is like, “Um, I could give you my shirt, I’m totally wearing like 3 right now…”

But Daniel is like, “No! No shirts for Sawyer! Everyone just shut up okay, we’ve got to get to the hatch!! This island is like a record and Jacob is making a remix!! AND WE ALL KNOW REMIXES SUCK, SO LET’S GOOOO.”

****

Then THIS PLANE JUST FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND OMFG IT’S YEMI’S PLANE O’ DRUGS!!!!! And then Locke reenacts that scene from North by Northwest!

So then he tries to go see what’s up with the plane when Locke gets shot…AGAIN!!!! I mean, REALLY!???? Can’t this guy go one episode without getting MAIMED in some way!?

Anyway, this time it was ETHAN that shot him!!! Which was weird considering he was a lot less DEAD than he was when we saw him last!!!

And Locke was just as confused as we were.

***

So then Chuck Widmore meets Sun in the airport and he’s like “You got moxy kid, I like your style. Have your people call my people and we’ll get our people to go kill some people!!”

To which Sun replied, “Benjamin Linus, your ass is grass and I’m the mower.”

***

And then Sayid and Hurley start giving each other some advice!

Sayid: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!!!! TRUST NO ONE!!!!!! Especially Ben Linus. Do the opposite of what he says at all times. And find a cool code name for yourself. They call me Mr. Tibbs.

Hurley: Eat more junk food!! It’s like your clogged arteries are giving your heart a HUG!

And then some red shirt was like “WOOPS DART TO YOUR NECK” and Sayid was like, “WOOPS, PAN TO YOUR FACE!!!”

And then Sayid killed this dude VIA DISHWASHER! I MEAN DEATH BY DISHWASHER OMFG!!!! ‘DS;LFKAL;’SDFKL GOOD THING SAYID MADE A CLEAN GETAWAY!! LOL

And then some asshole took a picture of Hurley covered in ketchup and holding a gun!!! So now he’s wanted for all of Sayid’s pwntacular murders, but we all know Hugo has only ever murdered a tub of tasty ranch dressing and some super old crackers!!!

***

Back on the island Team Daniel saw that the hatch was now Post-Implosion, so for all they knew their friends were still on the island. And Sawyer’s like “I WANNA GO WARN KATE EVERYONE ABOUT THE FREIGHTER!!!”

But Daniel was all, “NUH UH, YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE COURSE OF TIME, HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN DOCTOR WHO!? Everything we try will be FOR THE LOSE, James!!”

***

Okay so Locke is laying there like BLEEDING TO DEATH and all the sudden he hears someone coming – someone with a torch! COULD IT BE PAST!SAYID COMING TO TORCH-A HIM!?

But lucky for him it was Mr. Manscara himself, the Ghost of Christmas Present! Or Future! Or Past! OR WHATEVER.

So Locke is all “WHEN AM I!? AND HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE!?”

And Richard’s like “You’re in the now, man!! And you told me next week! WHAT? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO YOU!? GET WITH THE PROGRAM!” And then he gave him a compass and told him next time Locke saw him he wouldn’t know him anymore!!!

CAN I GET A WTF!?

And then to make matters worse he’s like “BY THE WAY LOCKE, YA GONNA HAFF TAH DAH-YEEE!”

And Locke’s like, “Why do I feel like Charlie all of the sudden!?”

***

Then, after Son-of-a-Bitch-ing in two totally different TIMES, Sawyer’s like “I need to get some food/beer/clothes” and we’re all like WE’RE GLAD YOU’VE GOT YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!

So Sawyer goes and starts banging on the hatch door (did I mention it was miraculously BACK IN ONE PIECE AGAIN!?) and Sawyer’s all “HEY DESMOND LET ME IN! WE CAN BE HOT AND SHIRTLESS TOGETHER!” and Daniel’s like “DUDE, NO! YOU CAN’T SEE EACH OTHER, HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU YET!!! YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST!”

And Sawyer’s like, “I KNOW WHAT I CAN’T CHANGE, THE ONLY PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT JUST BLEW UP ON YOUR BOAT!” and we were like AW OMG POOR SAWYER!!!

But then Juliet’s like “I know a person like me liking a person like you makes less sense than the rest of this episode, but JAMES, YOU’VE STILL GOT ME!!”

And then Charlotte started suffering from the Agent Dana Scully Disease in which a tiny nose bleed signifies a potentially life threatening problem!! And Mulder’s like “BLAH BLAH BLAH GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY ALIENS TIME TRAVEL!!! Hope you’re okay!!”

And we’re all like “MULDER, DON’T FRONT, WE KNOW YOU ~*LIKE*~ HER, WE’VE SEEN HOW YOU GAZE AT HER” and he’s like “I do not gaze at Scully!” *sighs whilst watching her walk away*

So anyway after checking his little Scientist Manual and seeing that it said “DON’T PANIC” he went and had a chat with Desmond!

Only this wasn’t the slightly psychic, blue-shirt-wearing Desmond we’ve grown to know and love, but the crazed paranoid WHAT-DID-ONE-SNOWMAN-SAY-TO-THE-OTHER-SNOWMAN Desmond that was stuck living in the hatch back in the day!! HE’S JUS’ SAVIN THA WORLD, BROTHAH!!!!

So Desmond’s all “WTF, BROTHAH!?”

And Daniel’s like “OKAY LISTEN, YOU DON’T KNOW ME, BUT I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE SUPER SPECIAL!”

“OCH! ARE YOO HITTIN’ ON ME!?”

“Sorry, bitchy redheads are my type, but you really are special! YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE! NOW WAKE UP AND COME SAVE US, PLZ! FIND MY MOM, SHE’S IN OXFORD!!!!”

***

And then 3 years in the few-chah, Desmond wakes up and he’s like “I just had the weirdest dreammmmmemory!!!!!” And Penneh’s kind of “WTF, mate!?” but she’s used to Desmond being sort of insane by now lol.

And then someone’s like “WELL FARADAY KIDS, THIS IS THE STORY ABOUT HOW DESMOND MET YOUR MOTHER.” and we’re all like “Whaaa!?”

****

So jump back now to the day the Oceanic 6 were “found.” Jack’s like “Look, the first rule of Flight 815 Club is that YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FLIGHT 815 CLUB. So are we all cool with lying about what happened to us??”

Kate: “Yeah lying is like second nature to me.”

Sayid: “Lying is awesome, I did it all the time when I was working undercover for the government.”

Sun: “I don’t think I know how to NOT lie anymore LOL.”

La Penis is like, *points at self* “Too drunk to give a shit!”

So Hurley’s the only one that’s like “Guys, lying’s bad, mmkay? If we stick together, people will have to believe the real story, even if the island just went BLOOP!”

But majority rules, so Hurley had to lie too. :(

***

Now it’s like 3 years later and despite killing someone via large kitchen appliance, Sayid felt like taking a little drug-induced nap coma! So Hurley’s trying to get him buckled in (it’s the law!) when a cop pulls him over!

And HOLY SHIT, it’s your least favorite Tailie and mine, ANA-LUCIA!!!!!!!! And instead of wanting to eat Hurley’s brains like a normal zombie, she tells him to get a makeover, don’t get arrested, and that the Libbster says hi!!

But really it totally wasn’t Ana-Lucia, but the smoke monster or Jacob or SOMETHING because he/it is always the one to say “You’ve got work to do!!” AMIRIGHT!?!?!

***

Back on the island, Rose and Bernard were having a argument…

Rose: YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH WOOD

Bernard: I HAVE TOO MUCH WOOD

Entire Audience: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL STOP PLEASE

Rose: YOUR WOOD FAILS!

Bernard: THE ONLY TENT LEFT ON THIS BEACH IS THE ONE IN MY PANTS!

And then *tosses confetti* we finally got to meet FROGURT!! And WOW, is he bitchy is WHAT!? But we weren’t too worried about him ruining the rest of the season, we saw his shirt.

And those colors don’t run. They just get shot/stabbed/drowned/SET ON FIRE/etc.

Unfortunately Sawyer stole one of Frogurt’s shirts and after that, the sexiest thing on the beach was that wood conversation Rose and Bernard were having.

But then Daniel wandered back to the beach after his conversation with Desmond and Sawyer’s like “Hey Doctor Wizard, what have you been doing!?”

“Don’t worry, campers! I’m somehow going to find out where/when the frak we are using my mad scientist skillz!”

***

And then Hurley played Weekend at Bernie’s with Sayid!!

Then he stopped by a Quik-E-Mart to get a Squishee and a new wardrobe!

And we’re all thinking Wow I hope Naveen Andrews wins an Emmy for this performance!

***

Back in The Suite Life of Ben and Jack, Ben is pulling a Dexter and hiding something in the air duct vents and wearing his kill suit!

“By the way Jack, I flushed all your pills down the John. I mean…the toilet. Not Locke. He’s still out in the van lol.”

“What do you mean my pills are GONE!?” *just Jearzed in his pants*

“Look Jack, “D.A.R.E. TO STAY OFF DRUGS!” You don’t need drugs to get messed up anymore, the island is happy to do that for you! Now listen, you’ve got 6 hours to go gather all your worldly belongings. We won’t be coming round here no more.”

“WELL, GOOD. Can’t wait to get BAAAACK to the island.”

***

By now Hurley is totally freaking out, and he shows up at his parents’ place with a nice housewarming gift! A dead Pakistani!

Cheech is all “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE IN DANGER!? WHO IS TRYING TO HURT YOU!? AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU HEART SHIH-TZUS!?”

***

So Ben pays a little visit to his local Meatery and we’re all thinking “Seriously can every single Dharma chick BE any BUTCHER!?” (lol butcher)

And he’s like “Keep Locke’s body safe or else everything we’re about to do won’t matter!”

***

After having to be put in Time Out by Mama Rose, Frogurt’s going “WE CAN’T EVEN MAKE A FIRE” and we’re all thinking “I KIND OF HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE, FROGURT” and all the sudden his pretty red shirt was all ablaze by some FREAKING FLAMING ARROWS THAT CAME FLYING TOWARDS EVERYONE OUT OF NOWHERE SZL;FD’;LSDKL;

NEIL STARTED THE FIRE! IT WAS ALWAYS BURNIN’ SINCE THE ISLAND’S BEEN TURNIN’!

And we’re all like HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THIS, LORD OF THE RINGS!? And Sawyer’s all “FOR FRODO!!!!!” and everyone runs away!!!

***

And then HOO-GOH’s mom comes home and she’s like “HOO-GOH WHY IS THERE A DEAD ARAB ON MY COUCH?? AND WHY ARE YOU WANTED FOR MURDER!?!?!?”

Sayid’s wasn’t doing so hot so everyone was like “IS THERE A WHINY DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE!?” and Hurley’s like “Oh, I think I got a guy…”

***

So Kate’s in LA visiting Sun, who is in town for some “Business Time” i.e. making Benry dead.

“Someone knows we’re lying, the dad from My So-Called Life and an 80’s movie villain came to my house asking me for a blood sample! They know that KATE AUSTEN….IS NOT THE MOTHER!”

“Listen Kate, I know this sounds harsh, but kill those guys. Kill anyone who gets in your way. This is a healthy way to think…”

“…I’ve thought this way ever since Jin died. Which was almost totally your fault. I’ve gone a little mad since then, and I can’t believe you let him die, but it’s not your fault Kate….”

“…I mean sure, you could have not thought about YOURSELF and thought about the FATHER OF MY CHILD, but it’s all cool. I don’t blame you. For killing my husband. Oh Kate, don’t cry.”

*bawling* “THANKS SUN, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.”

“Anytime, friend.”

***

So Cheech slipped past the cops that were staking out his house and brings On-Death’s-Door!Sayid to Jack.

And the first thing Jack does is call Benry to tell him that Sayid kindly stopped by, and while Ben’s like “Okay, thanks” which seems fine, but the music is like *REE REE REE CRAZY PSYCHO MUSIC* so we’re all like UH OH!!!!

***

And then HOO-GOH told his mom all about what really happened on the island. About the crash, the smoke monster, the Others, the freighter, the hatch, the button, the montages of him handing out food every season, the ping pong table on the beach, the Dharma van and Shambala, that time he got to make out with Libby, the Nikki and Paulo Jewel Heist, WAAAAAAAAAAAALT, that bird that screamed “HURLEY” when it flew by, the French transmission, the shitty episode about Jack’s tattoos, the island golf course, the sky turning purple, the polar bears, asking Jin to pee on him, and Desmond’s psychic visions.

“And the people that were on that plane that didn’t get to da choppa are still stuck on that island!!!”

And Momma Hurley is all, “I believe you, HOO-GOH!” and we’re like “AW I HOPE MY MOM ALSO DOESN’T THINK I’M NUTS IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO ME!!!” And then she’s like “Don’t worry Hoo-goh let momma make you a sandwich. You want the crusts cut off, baby?”

“Yes, mommy.” *squishes Hurley omg*

***

Jack had taken Sayid to the hospital and after giving him some wake up drugs Sayid immediately comes to and he’s like “LOOK MAN, I’M NOT GOIN’ TO JAIL FOR YOU OR ANYBODY” and Jack’s like “NICE TO SEE YOU TOO, BRO! You’re welcome, btw.”

By now poor Sayid’s brain is just as disheveled as his hair. “If we’ve got to go back to the island, at least let me pack my flat iron for chrissakes. I mean…I can’t walk around like this.”

***

And then Hurley launches a CRISPY, CRUNCHY, TENDER, FLAKY GRENADE AT BEN!!!!!!!

*sings Hooot Pocket* “Those things should come with a roll of toilet paper.”

“Listen Hurley, come with me! We all want the same thing! Lets go back to the island! HELP ME HELP YOU, HUGO!!”

But Hurley doesn’t go with Ben! He takes Sayid’s advice and does the opposite of what Ben says – and goes and turns himself in for Murder by Dishwasher and whatever other crazy ninja move-related crimes Sayid had committed that week!

***

Meanwhile on the island, Juliet and Sawyer had gotten themselves into a bit of bother with the locals! The Dharma dude was all, “WHO’S GONNA SAVE YOU NOW!?” And Sawyer saw something out of the corner of his eye and he’s like “IDK MY BFF LOCKE!?”

*pwns with giant knife*

***

And then deep in an underground lair, a hooded woman/necromancer was using the most state of the art computer technology (if you lived in 1979) to do some kind of mapping…

And as it turns out, it’s Mrs. Hawking! The creepy ass old lady from the jewelry shop! And she’s like “BENJAMIN, YOU HAVE 70 HOURS. IF YOU FAIL, GOD HELP US ALL.”

And Ben’s like “70 HOURS!? THAT’S NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO GO BACK AND REWATCH ALL THE EPISODES OF THIS SHOW, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON!?”

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