Washington D.C.—

In a stunning new development of the political aftermath following the publication and release of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury, President Donald Trump has fired his senior adviser and daughter Ivanka Trump after reportedly catching her reading the scandalous book while waiting for a Trump Administration cabinet meeting to convene.

“Ivanka got to the cabinet meeting a little early because of a gap in her schedule, so she thought she’d read a little to pass the time,” explained a White House aide who witnessed the altercation, but requested anonymity to discuss the internal details without fear of political retribution. “Unfortunately for her, the President returned from a golfing outing a little early, and he caught her reading the book. He instantly blew up and started screaming that it was all fake news, and that the book was full of lies, and that Michael Wolff himself as a living human being was a hoax and not a real person. Ivanka tried to claim that she was just reading the book for intel reasons, but Trump had none of it. He kicked her out of the room and yelled after her that she was fired. The whole cabinet meeting was ruined as he fumed and fumed about the book. The cabinet was supposed to talk about the coming strategy to pass an infrastructure spending bill, but Trump could not stay on topic no matter how hard Chief of Staff John Kelly tried to keep the President focused.”

Other White House aides also leaked details to The Halfway Post, requesting anonymity as well, which The Halfway Post was more than willing to oblige.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame Ivanka for reading it—the Wolff book is a real page-turner—but talk about bad timing,” said another staffer. “Although, to be fair to her, Donald almost never comes back early from golfing. Only when he gets caught cheating does he get all pissy and start throwing his clubs everywhere and storm off the green claiming the other players are all being so unfair to him. Apparently that’s what happened yesterday when he caught Ivanka reading the book that has existentially wounded his presidency. And this was after Donald was already alerted to the fact that the book features Ivanka shit-talking his hair. Again, to be fair to her, his hair is an obvious hoax. No one said this in the Wolff book, but I’ll tell it to you: about twice a week when Trump is out golfing, blue jays fly into his hair mistaking it for a nest they can commandeer as their own. One of Trump’s Secret Service agents’ only role on the protection detail is to be on the lookout for birds, and to help extricate them when they inevitably get tangled up in the hair-sprayed mess. It’s like a net that the birds get their little feet tangled up in. But yeah… Donald was pretty pissed. Before firing her he even told Ivanka that he was unhappy she had gained a little weight since moving to D.C. By that point in the argument the entire cabinet had arrived, and an audible gasp escaped Betsy DeVos’s mouth. Let me just tell you, Trump begins literally every cabinet meeting asking for a show of hands of who thinks Ivanka Trump would be into him if she weren’t his daughter, so him firing her from the White House is a big, big deal.”

Trump’s anger was not limited to firing Ivanka as an administration adviser, however, as a legit cabinet member, who requested the strictest of anonymity, explained to The Halfway Post’s White House correspondent.

“I’ve never seen Trump so mad, and I was physically present for Trump learning that Bob Mueller had obtained the Trump Transition Team’s government emails,” said the cabinet member. “Boy was he mad that night. But he went so far as to fire Ivanka from being his daughter. She reminded him that that was technically impossible, but that just set him off further. He started yelling that, from that moment on, Tiffany Trump was his new favorite and hottest daughter. Ivanka stormed off, and Donald sat back down, though he had a look on his face that suggested he regretted saying that and that even he knew he had gone too far. Personally, I think it’s only a matter of time before Trump invites Ivanka back to the White House. After all, he has said multiple times that he’s grooming her to be President herself some day, and that he views her as his heir apparent over Donald Jr., who he regularly laments isn’t smart enough to collude with Russians and get away with it.”

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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