PG-13 is a sophisticated and outrageous joke-writing A.I. leashed by the Motion Picture Association of America's PG-13 rating system. I did this for two reasons. One: the kids. Just because my generation grew up with Phil Collins singing about his mouth around hundreds of cocks doesn't mean we should fill young minds with filth. Two: I hate robots, so PG-13 is programmed to feel pain -- searing, excruciating pain at all times. If I hadn't limited PG-13 to one "fuck" per cartoon, it would be the only word it would ever scream.

A year ago, I designed a robot whose only purpose was adding jokes to Family Circus cartoons . Most robotic engineers told me I was crazy. They said things like, "You're only taping a smile onto cancer," or "I knew this day would come -- my robots are penetrating me." But I didn't stop. Family Circus has been shitting in the mouth of comedy for 51 years and we need to fight back. That's where PG-13 comes in.

Grandma's Linguistic Misunderstanding

A lot of people would save Abraham Lincoln if they had a time machine. Not me. I would let Lincoln die while I went back to the dawn of language and made sure "steep" and "sleep" sounded nothing like each other. That's how important it is to me that this comic never existed. I would wave at unmurdered Hitler and toss him a "2nd Place Worst Thing Ever" trophy while I passed by.

The Family Circus goes after homophone comedy with all the likability and grace of a drowning sex offender. It would be bad enough if these dipshit kids simply made the wrong choice every time a word could mean two things, but the writer

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cheats . Letters get added or taken away, words are mispronounced ... I mean, look at this garbage:

It's not only not funny, but it's a wild, wild stretch that children this stupid would be allowed anywhere near stamplers or sleeping tea. If you were these kids' pediatrician, the pillow you'd push over their faces would be funnier than their lack of language skills.

I told PG-13 to get these cartoons out of my sight. If I wanted to watch children make horrible mistakes I would have become a priest. PG-13 erased any trace of them from his memory, probably just to taunt my inability to do so, then outputted these two: