By Shonda Lackey, Ph.D.

It was the end of a long day and I just wanted to have a peaceful ride home on the subway. I managed to catch my connecting train just before the doors shut. Still catching my breath, I sank into the first empty seat I spotted. Browsing through my iPod, I started to get into the groove of the music just enough for me to begin tapping my feet to the beat. I was starting to become relaxed. Then, I looked over and saw a rat resting on a man’s shoulder. The rat’s fur was dyed a mix of hot pink and electric blue as if to match its owner’s tie-dyed ensemble [Insert the sound of a record needle scratching].

A few stops later, a bubbly child broke away from her mother’s hand and ran over to pet the rat. The mother followed closely behind. Intrigued by the scene, I turned down the volume of my music. The group shared a few laughs and the man’s friend told the curious child that there were five more rats in the box beside her. She proudly proclaimed that they could not split up the family of rats.

I was shocked. People must respect the rights of other passengers. They must not bring their pets on the subway. They must obey the rules of the MTA. These thoughts made me upset. Several stops from home, I could have moved to an available seat at either end of the train, but I decided to challenge my absolute musts and increase my frustration tolerance. I started to ask myself a few questions. Why must people do what I think is correct? Am I going to get more upset by clinging to my list of musts? How are my beliefs helping to make this train ride home as relaxing as possible?

In the end, I was able to share a smile with the Rat Pack as I thought, only in New York. Getting to the point where I could calmly sit next to a pack of rats on the NYC subway did not come easily. I had to work on giving up musturbation, a term coined by Albert Ellis to refer to demandingness about the self, others, or the world.

This meant letting go of what I thought should be mandatory rules of etiquette for the subway system- the Ten Commandments of the MTA if you will:

1. People MUST let passengers exit before entering the train.

2. People MUST not take up extra space when reading their newspapers.

3. People MUST not take a seat when there is not enough space to sit comfortably.

4. People MUST give their seats to senior citizens, pregnant women, and those with disabilities.

5. People MUST move all the way in to make room for those boarding.

6. People MUST make sure their children are well-behaved.

7. People MUST respect the personal space of other passengers.

8. People MUST not announce that it is “show time” and proceed to give an impromptu performance.

9. People MUST use headphones and play their music at a reasonable volume.

10. People MUST not bring their pets on the subway.

There are times when I still get annoyed when someone breaks one of these “commandments,” but I try not to make myself angry about it. I choose to hold on to my preferences about other people’s behavior on the subway as I continue to let go of the absolute musts.

So, next time you find yourself experiencing negative emotions, whether you’re on the subway or elsewhere, don’t let yourself get rubbed the wrong way. Dispute any demands you could be placing on yourself, others, or the world. With time, you’ll be able to give up the habit of musturbating.