ATLANTA—Confirming your long-held suspicions with a 15-year observational study on the effects of behavior on human aging, researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed Wednesday that all of the world’s absolute worst people would almost certainly outlive you. “We can now conclusively say that every single one of the most amoral, self-centered, and all-around corrosive human beings on planet Earth will enjoy longer lives than those who try to be decent and think of others, such as you,” said lead researcher Brian Cunningham, emphasizing that each and every selfish prick, conniving asshole, and abusive shithead currently drawing breath will statistically enjoy a life expectancy up to 12 years longer than yours as long as they continue to act in their own interest without regard to the damage they inflict on others or society. “It appears that not conforming to accepted standards of morality or considering the effects one’s actions have on others are huge stress reducers. Therefore, acting like a total fucker actually extends the lifespans of awful individuals—and, unfortunately, it seems that there is nothing you can do to enjoy this same longevity and still remain a tolerable human being. After studying factors such as a healthy diet, the pursuit of invigorating physical and mental activities, maintaining long friendships, and just being a good and decent person to your fellow man, we have to conclude that every despicable egocentric piece of shit will outlive you and age better and more gracefully than you.” Cunningham added that, considering the daily physical and emotional strain you place on yourself in the pursuit of common decency, giving up and becoming a borderline sociopath may be the only way you will live to see 60.

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