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All of my life, this unhealthy pattern has unwound and scarred my relationships. It has created rifts and hurt feelings, but it has never, ever worked to change my attention deficit disorder behaviors. Because it simply can’t. Because disapproval is not a cure for ADHD.

The problems always begin the same way: I do something stereotypically ADHD. I forget an engagement or speak without thinking or fail to finish what I started, and someone close to me gets hurt. They feel frustrated or angry (or both), and spend many sleepless nights trying to come up with solutions. That alone tells you they care, but caring is not enough; we need understanding, too.

And I know that might sound like a lot — I mean, you’re already doing a lot of work in this relationship, right? When you love a person with ADHD, life is harder. We understand that. But life can also be more vivid and more rewarding if we can figure out a way to break the blame-control-argue cycle together. You need for us to try, and we promise to keep at it. We need for you to attempt these 12 things — every day.