Buying a house is a big thing to take on. And there’s a lot you should know going into the process. That’s why I’d like to share some lessons I’ve learned from my recent experience of buying a—ahahaha that’s right! A FUCKING HOUSE! I have a house now! Eat it, suckers!!!

Patience

The home buying process takes a long time. It’s best if you can visit a number of properties, considering a variety of factors, such as the commute, good schools, and property taxes. You’ll also want to shop around for the best mortgage rates and make sure you’re getting the most for your money. Then at the end of it all you can laugh and laugh like me because I have a house with multiple rooms and a fucking yard, motherfuckers! Step the fuck off, losers!

Expect Unexpected Expenses

You’ll need to be prepared for things like closing costs. But you should also do a home inspection to make sure the house is sound. That’ll cost you extra and will likely reveal more repairs that need to be done. For example, I needed to better insulate some windows to save on heating costs. But that’s fine because I. Own. A. Fucking. HOUSE! It’s all mine, assholes!!!

Buying a House is Stressful

Don’t think this buying a house thing is easy just because I have one now and it feels fucking amazing. You’ll have to submit offers to the seller and negotiate counter offers and contract and then once you get a signed contract it could still be months until your actual closing date. All that to say, I do now own a whole entire home. It’s all mine. Ahahahahahhahaha. Please eat shit.

There’s a lot to be learned in the process of buying your first home. But most importantly, you should know that I AM A HOMEOWNER NOW. HAVE FUN BROWSING THROUGH ZILLOW, FUCKERS!!!!