Translation of Ishida’s poem (20170415) written for osterreich’s new composition called “Operating Room”. Please let me know if you find any errors!

[Prose regarding Operating Room]

Lying down on the examination table with a tranquil expression and an ailing body,

a transparent liquid spreading all throughout

I bring my face near and murmur something inaudibly

and then, and then,

you never woke up again.

Any responsibilities are pushed onto someone else,

to the older children.

The forgiveness of a beggar.

The forgiveness of the beggars.

I have become God.

We have become God.

My heart is trembling, but

it never follows the same path as that of a pendulum

so I merely turn around

to a place unknownst to me.

＊

When my baby tooth fell out

that was when I felt death for the first time.

When I was young, I had always, always

felt like I had died.*

The tooth doesn’t say anything until the very end,

as it lies in the palm of my hand.

That was you.

Like a piece of cloth tied to a stick flying in the wind,

somewhere up in a high place, or covered in mud,

will I also become unable to move?

＊

From now on,

let’s love only those things that can easily break

so that we don’t have to be afraid.

God is

not up in a high place.

He is always living in the depths of places

At the bottoms of the sea, the marsh, the mud, the darkness.

It is there that He is dead.

It’s okay if I can experience one emotion,

It’s fine if it’s just that one.

Because I’m scared.

.

Note (*): The word used here is ‘nakunaru’ (なくなる) which can refer to ‘disappear’ ( 無くなる) or to ‘die’ ( 亡くなる).