December 23, 2014 by comelookatmychesthair

Because not everyone can rest upon their voluptuous chest hair laurels like yours truly, it’s occasionally beneficial to enhance what little chest hair you’ve accumulated over the years with things like chest oil, tattoos, giant gold necklaces, nipple rings, fashionable cloth, and most importantly (for the purposes of this blog-post, anyway): engorged sinew.

What I’m basically saying is, if you’re feeling less than endowed with regard to your pitiful chest hair package, then you should probably consider taking up the physical activity commonly referred to as “getting swole” to distract everyone from your chest hair deficit .*

I know what you’re thinking, layperson: “What is this quote-unquote ‘getting swole’ you speak of?”

First of all, hold the goddamn questions till the end, please.

Secondly, “getting swole” is just a really clever way of saying “pumping iron” or “getting pumped” or “expanding your muscular horizons” or even the far more mundane “lifting weights."

Personally, I like to get swole at least once a day, though some days I’m feeling particularly jazzed in the swole-gettin’ department and I do it three or four times throughout the day. Instead of eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I eat "b-bar curls,” “tricep kick-backs,” and “alternating Arnold presses” (but also real food).

Unfortunately, because I can’t help but get distracted staring at my own chesthaireoed - it’s like mustachioed but for chest hairs - visage in the mirror, I can only work out for about ten minutes at a time (on a good day). Some might suggest that it’s impossible to get thoroughly, effectively swole in ten-minute bouts of repeatedly picking up metallic objects, but frankly, I think the results speak for themselves.

(Cue the legions of swole brodoods informing me that the results in fact do not speak for themselves and that I am a weak, ugly fat person with tiny, baby-sized sinew bundles. YEAH, WELL, YOUR CHEST HAIR SUCKS, SO I WIN, YOU LOSE.)

“But King Chest Hair, why do you feel the need to get all swole when your legendary chest hair surplus is #2 on the Top 10 Chest Hairs of All Time!!! list?”

Did you not hear me the first time? When I said no questions until the end? Or maybe you just have terrible reading comprehension?

Having said that, I can totally see where you’re coming from with this question. Obviously, I don't need to improve upon my chest hair perfection. Some might even say that I’m just kicking everyone else while they’re down at this point.

I think it mostly comes down to my desire to be the most perfect me that I can be. I guess I’m kind of like the Batman of chest hair blog proprietors in that respect.

So how is it that I, King Chest Hair, have managed to transform my body into a totally swole living weapon of maximum masculinity? Simple. It all comes down to repetition and vanity muscles, folks. Heavy weights and compound exercises are all well and good, but they don’t get to the heart of why we’re all exercising - to look better. The aesthetic appeal of bulging viscosity that comes from high reps far outweighs the practicality of “being strong,” in my opinion. If I wanted to look like Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (that guy who plays The Mountain on Game of Thrones season 4), I’d just dress up like a fucking redwood tree.

In short: It’s all about that pump, fellers. Doesn’t matter what the number is on the side of your shitty weights just so long as you pump and pump and keep on pumping until you literally pass out from high rep exhaustion. In fact, sometimes the lower the number, the better!

I’ve recorded a couple of my favorite - and most effective - exercises for your edification. Check them out below, and pay close attention to every little detail. They’re all extremely important.

CHEST HAIR STRETCHES

You’ve gotta stretch, guys. It’s the most important aspect of getting swole besides the act of getting swole, which is the actual most important part.

ARM FLAILS (BICEP/TRICEP)

This is a workout of my own creation. I call it “arm flails” for reasons that I assume are obvious (because you basically just flail around with weights in your hands).

THE KEY TO LIFTING HEAVY IS GRUNTING

Now, as I’ve already made painfully clear, lifting heavy isn’t on my list of weightlifting priorities. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t take a stab at it every now and again.

In the above video, you’ll see me pull a 52.5 lb dumbbell curl with undeniably perfect form. How’d I do it? Well, it wasn’t through hard work and perseverance, I can tell you that; rather, it was by way of sheer force of will and my exceptional grunting ability. Grunting makes you lift more. FACT.

Some people will tell you that grunting of this caliber should be reserved for Olympic powerlifters and the like, but that’s all bullshit, as far as I’m concerned. Grunting is for the people. Fuck those powerlifting elitists and their exclusionary tactics.

AB SUCKIES

“Ab suckies” - or “abdominal suck-sucks” - are a pretty simple way of getting just about the sweetest abs ever. All you’ve gotta do is suck in real hard, and then do that over and over again until you feel excruciating pain in your stomach and you puke up all the contents therein.

SHAKING YOUR SHAKE

Without a doubt, I do this workout more than any other. It’s pretty self-explanatory. You make yourself a protein shake and you shake that fucking shake (up/down/up/down/repeat) until your arms feel like jello. You don’t need a gym membership, an expensive home gym, rubber band bullshit, or what have you. All you need is two tubs of chocolate protein powder, a plastic container, a mixing ball, and some milk, and you’ll be on your way to shaking the shit out of yourself.

See You on the Chest Hair.

-

(*It’s a common misconception that bodybuilders shave their body hair to accentuate the massive, steroid-fueled muscles they’ve amassed atop their skeletal frames. WRONG. It’s the other way around - chesthairless bitches are naturally drawn to the act of bodybuilding for the sole purpose of distracting from their pitiful chesthairlessness. Poor fucking bitches.)