SPRINGFIELD, VA – Cautioning the public against the giggle-inducing effects of smoking pot, the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) warned U.S. citizens at a press conference held by the federal agency this afternoon that marijuana is a “gateway drug” to a really fucking good time.

“We have literally tons of this shit seized from Mexican cartels and petty drug dealers just sitting in our office storage room,” Agent Johnnie Garner revealed during the press conference, “so we decided to finally answer the tough question: Is marijuana actually a gateway drug to an unforgettably good time, like the DEA has always warned?”

“After months of extensive testing by field agents taking epic bong rips, toking fatty blunts and burning down that wacky tabacky through two liter bottles like they used to back in college,” Agent Garner stated, “the DEA has come to the conclusion that, indeed, marijuana is the worst kind of gateway drug. It leads directly to singing, dancing and generally letting loose, followed by shocking levels of refreshing sleep.”

“Laughter, chill vibes and good times are how I would describe the destructive nature of this deadly drug,” Agent Garner informed reporters. “Marijuana is especially dangerous if consumed with a group of friends and can actually make friends out of total strangers. It’s truly scary what this drug is capable of.”

“Field agents who had hated each other for years actually laughed together after just a couple puffs of a joint,” Agent Garner stated with horror in his eyes. “This drug made our agents friendlier and more relaxed, which is behavior the DEA won’t tolerate – nor should the public.”