(*Author’s note: this is intended to be a recurring, spiteful, vitriolic, and — above all else — hateful take on Nebraska’s upcoming opponent for the week.)

I hate that the Big Ten pretends you’re New York, when really you’re just New York adjacent. You’re Turtle from Entourage. Kind of loosely, thinly hanging around someone famous and desperately trying to use to get laid. You’re Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child and you keep trying to photobomb Beyoncé even though we’re all just using the crop features on our smartphones to zoom right past you.

2. I hate the fact that your school mascot looks and sounds like one of the villains from my 5-year-olds latest re-run of Power Rangers.

(via Off Tackle Empire)

3. I hate that the town that you’re actually located in (*Author’s note: which is absolutely not New York) is New Brunswick, NJ and the old Brunswick, was a German town founded in part by a guy named “Count Dankward” which is exactly what most of your students call their local weed guy.

4. I hate that your’re located in Middlesex county, near Piscataway and all of that sounds like the punchline to a middle school campout joke, told by a dweeby kid, in between mouthfuls of Doritos.

5. Your school is located next to the Raritan River. Which seems fine. Right? Oh, cool, a little scenery to go along with the location. Then explain this, Rutgers:

Do you see how many results there are for that? Even for New Jersey, that seems excessive.

6. I hate that your head coach always looks like he’s about 30 seconds away from pooping his khakis.

INTPF (I Need To Poop Face) Affects 1–10,000,000 Americans. So, Congratulations? I guess.

7. I hate that John Carpenter is one of the “Notable Alumni” listed on your website and that it’s not the cool John Carpenter that created Halloween but some nerd who was on a gameshow and works for the IRS.

8. I hate that you can basically take one exit in your state that sums up the whole place.

Pauly D and Chris Ash: BFFs for sure.

9. I hate the fact that you celebrated your Jersey Shore connections by having a hot tub at your opening game. Because what could possibly go wrong with a bunch of beered up college kids all sharing a giant communal hot tub at a sporting event, right?

via app.com

10. But, mostly, Rutgers: I hate that I have literally zero idea whether we will be at all capable of beating you on the football field tomorrow. :(