In Eastpoint, I'm grilling out, on the front porch. I hear a noise, and look around. A BIG black bear, 450 pounds or so, has been following his nose, sees me between him and his steaks, made a sort of "humph!" and is now standing stock still, staring at me. He's about 15 feet away, coming up the three steps to the porch.

I raise my arms to look big and yell "Go away, bear!” … but he doesn't twitch. I can see the wheels turning in his head through his beady little eyes. He didn’t expect me, but is now considering whether to eat me, just teach me a lesson about getting between him and his food, or what.

The front door is only about 10 feet away, but that’s directly towards the bear. No other direction is open to me, being on the porch with the grill. Maybe if I throw something at him he will be momentarily distracted or intimidated enough for me to make it to the door. My options are a 99-cent Dollar General spatula which does not recommend itself as a weapon, or a flimsy four-for-$2 plastic-handled steak knife that weighs almost nothing, but at least has a (sort of) sharp point.

I took the steak knife by the tip and threw it as hard as I could, like I imagined one would throw a knife if they knew how. Miraculously enough, it hit the bear on the muzzle almost directly on his black little nose, point first, and stuck in quite deeply - I mean “Poinnng!” deep.

This is doubly miraculous since I was aiming rather vaguely at the other end of the bear. Throwing as hard as you can is apparently really bad for your aim.

He blatted like a I imagine a sheep would sound, jumped in the air, swatted the knife out, and fled at top speed. He cleared a four-foot chain link fence without touching it.

I now tell this story to the grandkids beginning "Did I ever tell you the time I won a knife fight with a 450-pound bear by stabbing it In THE FACE with a 50-cent steak knife?"