A CANADIAN METALLICA FAN is attempting to freeze himself in anticipation for the RELEASE of the heavy metal band’s tenth album due sometime this decade. Once the new album is released, he begs that his loved ones will thaw him out for the big day.

JORDAN GRIMBLY, 27, says that he, among other fans, has been waiting patiently for what he claims to be, “A really, really, really long time.”

“METALLICA released DEATH MAGNETIC in 2008. It’s 2016 now. That’s EIGHT years that we’ve had to wait. I mean, I realize they toured until 2010. They did those BIG FOUR shows. They worked on an album with LOU BEGA. They did that movie with that blonde haired kid. But I mean, c’mon. They should be done by now.”

The heavy metal fan says that he got the idea from watching a SOUTH PARK episode from 2006 entitled “Go God Go”. He says of the episode:

“I’m constantly “killing time” waiting for the NEW ALBUM and watching SOUTH PARK is one of my coping mechanisms in dealing with “the wait”. It’s the one where CARTMAN freezes himself waiting for the release of the Wii gaming console. CARTMAN thinks he had it hard; but yeah, that was NOTHING compared to what I’m going through.”

His family and friends have gotten together to try and persuade JORDAN to change his mind, even bringing a doctor into the situation; but nothing seems to phase him. But he insists that he is not afraid. Explaining to the doctor:

“If you were a METALLICA fan, you’d understand.”

When asked what he hopes to achieve with this blatant publicity stunt, JORDAN responds with:

“Maybe METALLICA will let me be the first person to hear it. Of course, after themselves; producers; engineers; studio staff; management; family; close friends. It would be an honour.”

[editor’s note: Mr. Grimbly paid us $14.98 for this plug. We wouldn’t have covered this story otherwise.]