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New Poll Shows 86% Of Nominal Catholic Women Not Sure How To Outwhore Last Year’s Halloween Costume

Los Angeles, CA––As part of an effort to find out how some nominal Catholic women were preparing to outwhore last year’s costumes, more than 8 out of 10 nominal Catholic women polled had absolutely no clue about how they could possibly outskank their previous year’s costume, according to a EOTT Research Center survey released today.

“We know that more and more nominal Catholic women are facing numerous challenges when it comes to finding new ways to scandalize the Church, which is the reason our company has taken upon itself the duty of helping these women in their time of need,” said Angie Michelson, who runs the non-profit group Catholics Without Dignity, a company that focuses on training young women on how to “slut up” even the most innocent costumes.

“Lukewarm Catholic women need to know that there is a solution and that they’re not alone. Many desperate women come in a few months before Halloween with questions such as ‘How can I make this angel costume more prostitey,’ or ‘how can I better skankify this Ebola hazmat suit?’ Recently, we had a woman come in with the same prostitute costume she wore last year, asking if there was anyway to slut it up to a point that not only scandalized the Church, but prostitutes themselves.”

Michelson’s suggestion to those struggling with how to better “tramp-up” their costumes and scandalize those around them: “Go to Mass and look around at some of the parishioners. Masses at Catholic colleges can be a goldmine of inspiration.”