Teenager Fiercely Loyal to Original Line-Up of Band He Just Discovered

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Doug McLadden declared his allegiance this morning to the original, three-piece line-up of classic punk outfit Cardinal Malaise, a band he started listening to last Tuesday, according to friends close to the young punk.

“I listened to their new album today, and I gotta say, it was a far cry from the genius of the band I fell in love with last week,” said McLadden, referring to Cardinal Malaise’s 13th studio album, Callin’ In Slick. “It felt like a throwback, until I got to the ‘Personnel’ section of the Wikipedia page and realized it’s not Cortin Falto on bass.”

Introduced by his brother-in-law at a family party, McLadden was instantly hooked on the decades-old band from the opening minutes of their commercial breakthrough, ‘Grub Chuggins.’ The single debuted on Maybe Scabies, their fifth album, which was released in ’93.

“I’m a purist,” admitted McLadden. “Once you have a fresh and original group locked in, any changes will mess up the creative core and leave an inferior unit going forward. It’s like I’ve always said: give me Bon Scott, Tommy Ramone, and while we’re at it, my seventh grade girlfriend, Tammy. Nobody has been able to come close to her yet.”

McLadden attributed his fervent devotion, in part, to nostalgia.

“That first album just said what I needed to hear last week in my youth,” said McLadden. “The good reviews on the back of the reissue really solidified it. Robert Christgau, David Fricke, Tim Yohannan… everyone loved the first Cardinal Malaise.”

Experts claim McLadden’s devotion to the band’s original lineup may be misguided.

“That debut is a landmark in Midwestern punk,” said local record store clerk Tommy Skiff. “But those dudes hated each other. They changed members more than I change my underwear, man. By ’87, it was a totally different lineup. In fact, there was a brief period in 1990 where the band was technically Bad Religion.”

As of press time, McLadden was surprised to discover his neighbor and good friend, Brad Minton, had never heard of Cardinal Malaise, citing them as one of his life-long favorite bands.”