It is with glee in our hearts and clumsy 70s karate vengeance on our minds that we present to you the amazing, undefinable Death Promise. So goofy, so full of confused non-actors wandering through their dialogue like kids lost at the mall, and with so much more gentle sincerity than you’d expect in a movie about systematic revenge against a group of evil slumlords. It’s Guy From Harlem meets Kill Bill meets an after-school special about friendship - in other words, we really like it.

A boardroom full of comically-dressed, openly-evil New York City rich guys are hassling their slum tenants for reasons that don’t quite get around to becoming clear. Fortunately, their harassment methods don’t go much beyond “empty a box of rats into a building that’s already filled with rats.” But when they kill an old drunk boxer, the old drunk boxer’s son makes a vow, a pledge… oh, what to call it… an oath to demise? A commitment to casualties? Well, however you want to phrase it, he and his surprisingly agreeable friend Speedy work their way through the list of baddies who wronged them. All in pursuit of the main baddie, a shadowy figure who - and we’re not making this up - sits so that you can’t see his face, only his evil hand stroking the evil cat in his lap. Again, this movie is taking itself seriously. Again, we really like it.

Settle in for some upbeat revenge with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. We don’t just promise you’ll have a good time: we Death Promise.