WASHINGTON—Noting the robust financial backdrop and expectations for sustained growth, the Federal Reserve released a report Thursday citing the healthy economy in its decision to have a baby. “After lengthy discussions to address lingering concerns among board members about trends in the broader macroeconomy, I’m overjoyed to announce the Fed’s plans to join together and raise a child,” said Chairman Jerome Powell, explaining that even with significant headwinds in the global market, the central banking organization had unanimously agreed that the “time felt right” to procreate, adding that the child’s name would likely be Oliver or Olivia and would be reared by all five of the nation’s central bankers. “Of course, there’s no perfect moment to have a kid—the softening market, for example, looms large in our forecasts about the child’s future. But when you factor in the unemployment rate dipping below 4 percent, we really think we finally have our shit together to start a family. In fact, the rest of the Board of Governors and I already started trying last night.” At press time, increased volatility in U.S.–China trade relations had prompted Powell to regretfully announce plans to get a cat instead.

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