I’ve got bloody hundreds of kitchens, insists Cameron

Responding to reports that Ed Miliband has two kitchens in his multi-million pound North London mansion, Prime Minister David Cameron has hit back by claiming to have ‘a whole shitload of kitchens’.

“Who does Miliband think he is with his ‘two kitchens’?”, said Cameron.

“I’ve got kitchens coming out of the wazoo. I’ve got more kitchens than Ed Balls can count, so at least three.”

“Thinks he’s special, does he? I’m buying another kitchen right now. How does he like that?”

In what is being termed “Kitchengate”, competitive politicans have been scrambling over themselves to up-kitchen each other, leaving Nick Clegg forlornly admitting to not knowing if he has a kitchen or not.

Meanwhile, those around Miliband have leaped to his defense.

“We only use the little kitchen mostly. The big one is just where Ed goes to be alone with his root vegetables,” said his wife, Justine.

“I’m not entirely certain what he does with them, but I can confirm he spends plenty of time in there, especially just after he’s had Margaret Hodge on the phone.”

Miliband has refused to comment further beyond saying that what Bwitain wants is a wecovery which weaches the kitchen table, whichever storey of your mansion it might happen to be on.