(with deep apologies to Frank Capra)

**************

Scene 14: Christmas Eve, inside Bedford Falls Town Hall. Senator George Bailey confronts an angry mob of constituents protesting his vote on the new health care bill.

crowd erupts into shouting



Come on Bailey, you can't hide forever! Let us in!Yeah, what is this mandatory insurance nonsense? Stop cowering behind that podium George! We want answers!Now now now, everybody calm down, see? If you'll, well, see, just let me explain...You should've explained these death panels before we elected you! Let's get 'em!(shaking pitchfork)Yeah!Hey, pipe down youse mugs, let the man talk. It'll be 15 minutes before the tar is hot enough to pour. Out with it Bailey!Well well, thank you for that Pete. Now folks, see, you just gotta understand how Washington works. Remember how you, you sent me there to bring back free things to Bedford Falls, like free heath care and jobs and that new George S. Bailey retractable midnight basketball court for the high school gym?Hey Bailey, do know how many kids drowned at the prom last year from that stupid thing?Well, now now now, Clem, sure a few kids drowned. But look at all the jobs it created down at the Potter Retractable Basketball Floor factory. And that's my point. Now, see, down in Washington there's a whole Senate full of regular guys like you and you, and me, and we represent thousands of places just like Bedford Falls. And all of those places want their own jobs and healthcare and retractable basketball courts. And it turns out all of this costs money, so we have to get, well, revenues...You mean taxes?Well, yeah, Helen, if that's how you want to put it. See, we put all those revenues in a, a, a, big pile there in Washington, and then we start making deals and such, to make sure we can all bring some home. Sometimes we run out, and have to make up for it with other fees...You mean taxes? Why don't you get it from Old Man Potter?Yeah! Get it from Potter!Now, now, I hate old man Potter just as much as the rest of you. Maybe more. He lives in that cold old mansion up there on Beacon Hill, while you're getting laid off and trying to make ends meet. It just isn't right, and that's why I organized the big ACORN march against him last year. But I'm telling you, even if we confiscated every penny he has, we couldn't pay for your free universal health care. That's why we have to charge you for some of it, and make sure you don't use too much. But don't worry, I sent my top trade representative Uncle Billy over to China to get a payday loan for the rest.But won't we have to pay them back?Well, Marge, yeah, technically, but only until you're all dead. After that it'll just be your kids.Stop your malarkey, Bailey! Keep your ridiculous health care bill. We want our money back!Yeah! Give it back!Now now now, Clem, let's take it easy there. Sure it's your money. And yours, Violet. And yours too, Reverend Larson. It's everybody's money, and belongs to everybody. Especially me because I'm a Senator. We need that money to make the deals to make the legislation to make sure you get the things you want. Now if you'll all be patient, I'm sure that Uncle Billy will be getting back from Peking any time now...I've heard enough of this! Let's get 'em!Yeah!Tar's ready!Gulp!

George runs flailing through the snowy streets of Bedford Falls, the torch-weilding mob in hot pursuit

Fade out, credits



*************A bridge outside Bedford Falls. George, breathless, peers dead-eyed into the icy river 100 feet below.I... I wish I was never elected!George swings his leg over the side of the bridge, but he is tackled by a kindly old strangerPhew, that was a close one, George. I thought for sure you were a goner!Who... who are you? How did you know my name?Well that's a mighty interesting question, Senator Bailey. I guess you could say... well, let's say I'm sort of your protector. Clarence is the name. Clarence Odbody.You mean some kind of guardian angel? From heaven?Yessir, straight from lobbyist row on K Street. But I'm not an official angel as yet. Before I can earn my wings I have to stop you from this fool idea of yours. Honestly, George -- political suicide? It's just plain sinful.Did you see that crowd? Have you seen my approval ratings? This town would have been better off if I had never been elected.Stop saying such a thing! Do you really feel that way George?I, I, I, I... yeah! Well, see, yeah! See.Alright George, I'll grant you your wish. But you may not like what you see.swirling screen, blaring staccato stringsWhere, uh, where are we Clarence?Don't you recognize it, George? It's Bedford Falls.But but, now see, it doesn't look anything like Bedford Falls...Of course not George. Don't you remember I granted your wish? This is Bedford Falls... except you've never been elected. Let's see what's happening over at the High School.George and Clarence try to enter the gymnasium.Hey, it's locked!That's right George. Because you weren't around to pass your midnight basketball bill, all the kids are down at the malt shop and the library.But what about the retractable floor?It isn't there George. Because you weren't there to insert that earmark. And that means more than 20 men from the Retractable Basketball Floor Workers Union couldn't contribute to your re-election fund.You're lying!I'm afraid not George. Let's walk downtown.George and Clarence walk down the snowy sidewalks of Bedford FallsThere's something strange Clarence... where are all the potholes?Potholes? Without your Stimulus Bill, Bedford Falls ended up hiring their own non-union pavement contractor.I think I need a drink.Whatever you say, George. Let's pop into Joe's Tavern.Hey, what happened to my Smoke Free Tavern Act? Why... why.. It's Ed! Ed Flenderson! President of the Retractable Basketball Floor Workers Union! Ed, it's me, George! Senator George Bailey! Don't you know me Ed? Can I count on your support for the next campaign contribution cycle?Get away from me you, crazy wino! The Potter Basketball Floor Plant closed down years ago.But Ed, that means you're out of a job...What are you, nuts? After I left that dead-end job I started my own business. FlenderCo, the third biggest snow removal company in Bedford Falls. I'm my own boss, make more money, and no more splinters.Hey, scram, you crazy hobo! Stop bothering my customers!George and Clarence cross the street to the Malt Shoppe. George peers through the foggy glass to see teenagers revelling.There's something familiar about that soda jerk... yeah... why that's Tommy O'Reilly! But he was... he was......decapitated by the retractable basketball court at prom? I'm afraid not, George. Tommy and those eight other casualties are in there right now, Lindy Hopping.But what about that big class action suit?It never happened, George. And your friends at the Bedford Falls Trial Lawyers Association never got their contingency fees.And I never got their contribution bundle?No George. Why would you? After all, you're not a Senator.I... I... I...It's time to move on George. Let's go over to the Bedford Falls Police Station.At the booking deskWhat are we doing here Clarence?Just wait George. You'll see.Two cops roll in an old man in a wheelchair, wearing a dressLet me go! I know my rights!Caught him red handed, Sarge. He was trying to book a flight to Rio at the Bedford Falls Municipal Airport.Good job boys! Well, well, well. if it isn't Mr. Potter. 31 counts of illegal mortgage lending, 8 counts of embezzelment, and 28 counts of investment fraud in that retractable basketball court Ponzi scheme. Looks like you'll be spending the holidays upstate at the Big House.Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter!Save it George. He doesn't know you. You were never Senator, remember? You never got to use Mr. Potter as a villain in your campaign ads, he never bought you that secret vacation condo in St. Martins, and you never passed that $12 billion emergency stimulus supplement to bail him out.Do I know you, young man?Well, yes... I, I mean no...Say, do you think you could lend an old man $300 for bail? It is Christmas after all.(rummaging through pocket)Well, sure Mr. Potter, you've always helped me when I got in a jam. Let me see what I have in my emergency legal defense fund... what the heck?! Noooo!Hey pal, get the heck out of here before I bust you for loitering. G'wan, beat it!George and Clarence walk by empty welfare centers and boarded-up ACORN officesYou see George, Bedford Falls is a mighty different place without you in Washington.I guess what they say is right - one man can make a difference. Clarence, but what about the heath care bill? The health care bill, Clarence!You weren't there to vote for cloture, George. It died in committee. America never got its healthcare bill, and Bedford Falls never got that Federal Snow Museum.Take me to Doc Bradford's medical clinic Clarence! I wanna see what happened!But George, I don't think you'll want to see it, it's just...Take me there Clarence! Take me, darn it! I wanna see it, see?Sigh. Alright, as you wish.Inside Doc Bradford's clinicThat was quite a nasty spill you took on the ice, Mrs. Foster. I'm scheduling you for an artificial hip replacement Tuesday. In the meantime, stay off your feet and fill this prescription for pain relievers.Just like that? What about getting approval from the hip procedure rationing board?There is no rationing board, George. It's completely up to Doc and Mrs. Foster.Oh, bother. How much is this going to cost me?Medicare will pick up most of it, but looks like you'll have a $200 deductible.Well I guess I always can skip my AARP dues.Noooooo! Hey... now, now, now, who who's that woman over there? Why that's... that's...Yes, George. It's Mary. Your Mary.Mary? Mary Hatch? Your prescription is ready.Mary 'Hatch'? Why, why, that's Mary's maiden name! You mean she never...No, George, she never married. Because you never became Senator, you never met her through that escort service. Mary remained here in Bedford Falls working as a simple call girl, and now she has to pay for her chlamydia drugs from her own pocket.Alright Mary, I'll renew this one more time. But I'm warning you, this is the strongest antibiotic I can find.Can you break a $100 bill?Mary! Mary! It's me, George! Oh, Mary, don't you know me? Speak to me Mary!Hey, get your hands off me you creep! I charge a sawbuck for that kind of weirdo stuff.Come on George, it's time to leave. We have to get back to the bridge by midnight.But.. but.. I I don't want to do it, Clarence! I want to live! I want to live, in Washington! I want to legislate! I want to chair committees and live sweet precious life wherever it takes me!Are you sure George? But what about your approval ratings?It'll all work out, I just know it! I'll hire the best media consultants in DC. The voters will forget all about it by November, just you see!But what if you lose?Then I'll set up my own lobbying firm on K Street! Ten times more money and I still get to write bills! Anything to avoid coming back to this shitty one horse town!Splendid, my boy. Absolutely splendid! That's the true Christmas spirit of the Beltway! Oh George, I think you just may have earned me wings.swirling screen, blaring staccato strings**********************George comes to on the icy bridge.Clarence? Clarence? Where am I? I think I better pinch myself... well how about that! I I I'm alive! I'm a Senator, I tell you! United States Senator from Bedford Falls George S. Bailey! You did it Clarence! You did it, you old lobbyist! Woo hoo!George runs back into town, giddily skipping up the steps of the town hall, where he is spotted by the angry torch waving mob.There he is! Let's get him!Hurry, the tar is getting cold!Inside Bedford Fall Town HallAlright Bailey, say your prayers.Now, now Pete, put down that pitchfork. Let me tell you about the new agriculture appropriations bill I'm co-sponsoring.(entering the hall with their 3 children)George? Are you alright? I've been worried sick about you.Daddy!Oh Mary! You know me! You know me!Well, of course I do, George. You're my husband, and I'm your trophy wife.And your chlamydia is mostly cleared up!Very touching Bailey. Now hand back our money nice and slow, or we start the tarring.Now now now now, just wait there, see. You need to be patient...Telegram! Telegram for Senator George Bailey from Uncle Billy!Well what is it? What does it say? Hush, everyone!I have made success, stop. Pawned Hawaii to Chinese $1 trillion, stop. Rest of money can be printed at US Mint, stop. Health care is saved, stop. Merry Christmas Uncle Billy.Did you hear that folks? We're saved! Free healthcare for everybody! Merry Christmas!Hooray! Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and ne'er brought to mind...Re-elect Bailey in '48!Do you hear that Daddy? It's bells ringing.By golly you're right, sweetie. It is bells.Teacher says that everytime a bell rings, a Washington angel gets his wings.That's right, that's right.And everytime a Washington angel gets his wings, the national debt goes up one kazillion dollars.Attaboy Clarence....should auld acquaintance be forgot, in days of auld lang syne...