Fallout 76 Has Ruined My Life

And it’s not even out yet.

Oh, I know it’s coming. PC or Xbox One or PS4…it doesn’t matter. My life is over. Work’ll be the first thing to go. Then my home life. I’ll soon stop showering everyday. My meals will blend together like survival rations as I huddle cold and alone in a cave. Sharpening the rusty nail in my baseball bat, I wait…hiding from mutated creatures I neither understand nor care to. Breath. Breath. It’s just a game…just a game.

I’m a grown man, dammit! It can’t be this hard to balance real life with a game, but I’ve been down this road before.

It may be the best game series ever made… the single most fantastic, replayable, immersing gamescape ever conceived by mere mortals. Pfff. Mortals. Demi-gods. Lords of code. Programmers of programmers. Designers of..gush, gush, gush. GUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH…but I have a plan.

Bethesda’s Fallout 4 sold 12 million copies and generated over $750 million in its first 24 hours at retail on Nov. 10 (2015). -Fortune

War. War never changes.

I check the Pip-boy projecting its soothing green light upon my old world features. This is what my life has come to. The vast expanse of post-apocalyptic West Virginia illuminated by technology both old and new. So you see, I’m already gone. I can’t remember what I had to do today. It can’t be as important as clearing out this skyscraper full of Super-Mutants terrorizing the local colonies.

I can’t quit now. Not while that Assaultron stands between me and that Power Armour. Look at it. Magnificent. Stainless poly-laminate composite chassis of death. I’ll be unstoppable! Everyone will bow before my awesome power or I’ll….I’ll…access my Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System and blow them all to Hell!!! Mwahahahahahahaha

Fallout 76 has ruined my life. I can’t work. I can’t sleep and when I do… I dream of Nuka-Cola factories and surfing waves of caps carrying me through endless unrealized potential. My muscles grow; my eyes glow. I heal my friends and consume the dead. I talk to robots and bend time. When I’m bored I hold staring contests with Deathclaws. The rads coming off my irradiated body can power a crashed space station.

I’m so much luckier in Fallout; it’s just a better place to be. I matter there to the people of the settlements. A protector of our shared future. We will rebuild. Reunite the world behind a grand vision. 4 times the size of Fallout 4. Bring on the Mirelurk Queen and her crunchy little children. I’m so hungry I could eat a Radscorpion.

The RobCo Pip-Boy (Personal Information Processor) is an electronic device manufactured by RobCo Industries. — Fallout Wiki

Hey! What are you doing?!? No, let me go…let me go! I have to clear the museum of ghouls. Hey, give me that keyboard!? My mouse!!!! Let go of me, FOG CRAWLER!!! Fine…fine…I’ll go to work. Gaaaaawwwwwwddddd….grumble…I hate my life.

And that’s my plan. Play until someone drags me kicking and screaming from my console. Don’t judge me!

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Fallout 76 comes out November 2018.