ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A spokesman for the Kingdom of Heaven has confirmed reports that God cannot help Scott Morrison with the bushfires raging on all corners of the nation and that he’s going to have to do something himself.

Jesus Christ, who’s been working with the Kingdom for nearly two thousand years, explained to the media this morning via telephone that his Father has tried to help Scott Morrison, the Prime Minister of Australia, get a handle on the bushfires but hasn’t been successful.

“Look, we’ve done all we can up here,” said Mr Christ.

“Now that Scott’s gone to Hawaii in the middle of all this, it’s not good for our brand to be seen associated with him. We’ve already had to drop his mate George Pell. Honestly, we thought it couldn’t get worse than that,”

“But yeah, look. Can you put in the papers that my Dad has been flat out for months trying to help Scott with the bushfires. He’s had to answer his prayers like six times a day and he’s not the young God he used to be, he’s getting old and can’t really put up with that noise like he used to,”

“If you’re reading this, Scott. Mate, just bush the surplus and spend the money where it needs to be spent. Your country is on fire and your people are suffering – and you’re drinking a Sam Adams on Waikiki and inhaling calzones like you’ve never had one before. Remember, I can see everything.”

The Advocate reached out to the Prime Minister’s Office for comment but we’re told to direct inquries to the Acting Prime Minister’s Office.

Our reporter directed inquiries to The Nationals office but they’ve been off since November.

So we asked the Leader of the Opposition Anthony Alabanese, for comment.

Mr Albanese supported Scott Morrison’s holiday to Hawaii but stopped short of saying he’d do the same in his position.

“I’d be more inclinded to have a watered down holiday in the middle of a bushfire crisis. I support Scott in what he’s doing, kind of. I wouldn’t go to Hawaii. Port Douglas is more my style.”

More to come.