WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes. “As we work with our European colleagues to investigate these deplorable attacks and take measures to address terrorism concerns both at home and abroad, we strongly urge all citizens to keep in mind that ISIS are a festering shitpile of complete and utter fuckwads,” said National Security Advisor Susan Rice, adding that recent intelligence reports confirmed that members of ISIS are gigantic motherfucking pricks who are driven to commit acts of violence by a fervently held dumb-as-dogshit worldview. “We continue to work with security authorities around the world to prevent these soulless, rat-bastard assfucks from acting like the absolute sacks of shit that they are, and we stand with the international community in delivering a message to ISIS that they can go fuck themselves.” At press time, Rice had submitted a detailed report to the White House recommending a balanced strategy for neutralizing ISIS that consisted of galvanizing the support of regional Sunni tribes and “shoving a fat one so far up ISIS’ ass they choke.”

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