TEST cricket is brilliant and if you disagree you are less than a buffoon, according to experts.

As the Ashes became as exciting as smoking crack in a suit doused in petrol during a high-speed car chase, anyone bemoaning the lack of action in cricket will be forced into a re-education camp.

Cricketologist Wayne Hayes said: “You can get arseholed whilst watching it, it’s officially not allowed to be played when the weather is terrible and yesterday pissed off the entire continent of Australia.

“If all of that isn’t enough for you then you’re operating on a level of jaded I can’t actually comprehend.”

Anyone continuing to doubt test cricket is the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement will be sent footage of Viv Richards in action and given seven days to suggest anybody with half the amount of suave.

They will then be forced to watch footballers acting the giddy arsehole for eight hours straight, to see how it compares to watching a test side actually do a day’s work.

Former football fan Roy Hobbs said: “I used to dismiss cricket as being for old men, but then I realised what I was actually saying was it had a bit of dignity about it and didn’t require the attention span of a mayfly. So from now on other sports can kiss my cork-centred, leather-bound balls.”

“But Geoff Boycott can still sod off, obviously.”