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Former PM turned Indigenous rights activist turned unemployed boomer Tony Abbott has received some news today that put a big ol’ smile on his reptilian face.

Even if it did upset the rest of the nation.

But has history shows, it’s usually things that upset the rest of the nation that makes Tony Abbott feel joy.

While the news that George Pell will be released back into society is enough to get most people Googling proper noose tying, Abbott is wondering if he has time for a stop at the Holbrook Submarine as he prepares for a road trip down to Melbourne.

“Alexa, does picking someone up from prison count as essential travel?” Abbott asked his Google Home Mini that he never got round to taking out of the box.

“I think I’ll find you’re giving me the response I deserve.”

Although many criticised Abbott for his support of Pell during his trial and conviction for multiple charges of sexual assault on a minor, it appears the former PMs faith in a justice system that protects old, wealthy, white, crotchety, morally bankrupt pieces of human waste like him has paid off.

So strong is his faith, the former PM now believes a trip to Melbourne to see his favourite old rock chopper won’t result in any negative repercussions for him either.

“Saint Christopher, please protect me as I make my pilgrimage south,” stated Abbott as he pumped his bike tyres.

“Protect me from Coronavirus and the possibility I might get into some curry for making the essential trip to see the man of such strong moral fibre it took several levels of the legal system to deem him innocent even after he was found guilty by a jury of his peers”.

MORE TO COME.