Have you ever written something or said something, stepped back from it, and asked yourself, “Is that what I really think? Is that actually how I feel?”



I just did that with this post and I had to start over. I wrote all about my childfree holidays and how I get a twinge of something this time of year that makes me wonder if I would have more holiday joy if I had kids. Actually, that’s not what I wrote the first time. I wrote, “I can’t help but think I’m missing out on a piece of holiday joy.”



I am missing out on a piece of holiday joy. I think the choice to live childfree comes with sacrifices and that is evident to me this time of year. I know there is joy in having kids, especially around the holidays. It’s the time of year when their faces won’t stop glowing. I don’t want kids but that doesn’t mean I don’t like kids. That doesn’t mean I don’t remember being a kid. I remember the excitement of the holidays so well I can almost feel the pit in my stomach that comes with the anticipation of Christmas morning.



When I was young we lived in Virginia, hours away from our extended family. Every December my parents loaded up the car and we traveled to my grandparent’s house in Pittsburgh. I remember rolling up to their house and seeing it decked out with large, colorful Christmas lights, the tree standing bright and tall in front of the living room window. It was all I could do not to burst from excitement.



My brother and I shared the guest room with two twin beds and I always slept in the bed by the window. As part of their annual holiday décor, my grandparent’s hung red bell lights outside of each window in the front of the house. For years when I was little I was convinced the red glow I saw through the curtains was Rudolph’s nose. My older brother probably told me it was and then told me it wasn’t and I didn’t know what was true. So, I chose to believe.



That’s the joy I’m missing out on. A child in her room bursting with excitement convinced she is seeing Rudolph about to land on the roof. I don’t think the twinge I feel this time of year is a feeling of missing out on joy because I don’t have kids. I think it’s a feeling of sadness because I will never feel the same joy around Christmas that I felt when I was a kid. Life doesn’t work that way.



That time of my life is long over. I’ll never be back in that bed by the window trying to reconcile the truth about the glowing red bells with my little brain until I drift off to sleep. I know the truth now. Those red bells were just bells. The twinge of emotion I feel this time of year isn’t a feeling of regret that I’ve chosen a childfree life. It’s a feeling of missing the joy I had when I was living life as a child.





A Few More Posts For You When Being Childfree is Boring When I was younger I was very focused on building my career so I could have the life I wanted. I didn't know if I would ever get married and…

Back to School Pictures: A Childfree Perspective It's that time of year again! Children have butterflies in their stomachs and parents are scrambling to fulfill the ever growing list of school supplies they are expected to send…