DES MOINES—Responding to accusations by members of the Elizabeth Warren campaign that he told her in a 2018 conversation that he didn’t believe a woman could win the presidency, the Bernie Sanders campaign doubled down Tuesday with a new television ad warning Americans that they’ll never be able to hear a female president over the sound of her vacuum. “I do not believe that we as Americans can risk electing a female candidate who won’t address universal healthcare or climate change over the loud racket of her vacuum cleaner coming from the Oval Office 24 hours a day,” said Sanders over an ominous 30-second black-and-white shot of panicked advisors fleeing a national security meeting when the female president, a woman with a beehive hairdo, high heels, and an apron, accidentally filled the room with thick smoke after burning a pan of cookies in the briefing room oven. “When you make your decision about the Democratic nominee, consider whether you want a president who is divided between making policy decisions and scrubbing the floors, or trying to take care of our veterans when she’s preoccupied with her crying baby. Not to mention the hair dryer whirring all day and night as the lady president does her hair. And how does she expect to keep America safe when she’s constantly distracting our top generals by asking them for help opening difficult jars? Maybe we as a nation will be ready for a female president in 2024, if technology has improved so that vacuums are quieter, but until then we can’t afford to take the chance.” The Warren campaign reportedly responded with a fundraising email stating that the candidate was disappointed that Sanders had called her every single day since 2016 to say that women should never be allowed in public without a male escort but that she didn’t want to discuss the matter further and risk being divisive.

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