CLINT, Tx. – Amid calls for action from a plethora of doctors, politicians, and human rights advocates, the Department of Homeland Security on Tuesday unveiled a new initiative meant to address the increasingly dire conditions at several U.S. Customs and Border Protection detention facilities along the U.S.-Mexico border.

“It has come to our attention that detainees housed at some of our migrant detention facilities are unhappy with the standards of living provided to them at the expense of American taxpayers,” DHS spokesperson Oscar Durlwanger announced during a Tuesday morning press briefing at the agency’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. “Unfortunately, operational protocols for these facilities were established during the Obama-era and therefore cannot be undone,” Mr. Durlwanger explained. “When it comes to improving detainees’ quality of life and standards of living, suffice to say our hands are tied.”

While the Department of Homeland Security and the Trump administration as a whole remain powerless to overturn an Obama-era directive to detain and separate migrant children from their families, DHS officials believe they have found a final solution to the ongoing sanitation problem. “In the coming weeks, state-of-the-art industrial incinerators will be installed at all border-state CBP-run detention centers in an effort to facilitate the speedy disposal of soiled garments such as clothing and other textiles,” Spokesperson Durlwanger said before adding that due, in part, to budgetary constraints, “trusted” detainees –some as young as eleven– will be tasked with operating the incinerators.

“As Americans, we are privileged in that we expect a very high standard of living,” stressed one CBP official who oversees intake at a migrant detention center in Clint, Texas. “To say these facilities are somehow substandard is deliberately misleading. This is not a five-star resort; it’s a holding center for unaccompanied minors who made a conscious decision to alienate their families and flee their country of origin in order to enter the United States illegally and suckle from the teat of the American taxpayer.”

U.S. Customs and Border Protection and its parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security, have come under increasing scrutiny amid claims that migrant children are being subjected to “extreme[ly] cold temperatures, lights on 24 hours a day, [and] no adequate access to medical care, basic sanitation, water, or adequate food.” DHS officials on Tuesday vehemently dismissed such allegations, saying the decision to install industrial incinerators was largely due to mounting complaints from locals about a “foul odor” emanating from the camps.