‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter


WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Those who witnessed the awe-inspiring vision said they felt a warm, comforting presence wash over them as the clouds parted and the luminous form of a man in his late 40s with chiseled features and perfectly parted hair descended from the sky above the Republican National Committee building. The mysterious levitating figure, who is said to have worn a brilliantly gleaming American flag lapel pin and an exquisitely tailored shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, reportedly flashed a confident yet disarming smile that, according to accounts, left several onlookers so moved that they began openly weeping.


“We were heading in for another meeting about how to deal with the upcoming convention when, suddenly, this perfect figure appeared in the air above us: a conservative presidential candidate with youthful energy and an undeniable everyman charm who shone with a golden light,” said RNC chairman Reince Priebus, choking up as he described how he and other party leaders gazed in wide-eyed disbelief at the tall, handsome apparition. “After all this time, to lay eyes on a pristine, easily electable Republican—it was staggering. It felt like every burden on our party melted away the instant he appeared. Everything became calm; peaceful; still.”

“He spoke only a few words, saying that we should lower corporate tax rates to boost economic growth,” Priebus added. “It felt like he was speaking directly to my soul.”


In addition to shining with a resplendent, otherworldly glow, the presidential candidate was said to be possessed of great charisma and an easy confidence, providing a longed-for and abiding sense of assurance to the GOP leaders present, many of whom reportedly had to shield their eyes from the radiance of the man’s flawless visage.

According to witnesses, several party operatives became so overwhelmed with emotion that they fell to their knees upon seeing the glimmering candidate give a genial wave and a quick double thumbs-up before vanishing into the air.


“At last, he has come—an unsullied family-values Republican with deep pro-business sympathies and a broad appeal across all demographics, most notably independents ages 18 to 39,” said Priebus, who claimed he’d long had dreams that such a candidate would one day arrive from on high. “He is the one we have waited for. He said nothing of his experience or background, but all of us who looked upon him knew deep within us that this was a budget-cutting expert with a spotless voting record who could rally the base without alienating key conservative donors.”

“It was just so beautiful,” continued Priebus, tears welling in his eyes.

Many GOP officials who witnessed the event whispered reverently of the experience, saying that when they looked into the man’s eyes, they genuinely believed the mystical candidate could accomplish any policy proposal he advocated, from rolling back commercial and environmental regulations, to increasing military spending, to restricting access to women’s health services.


Sources confirmed that top Republican figures from around the country have since started planning pilgrimages to the RNC offices in Washington where the immaculate candidate was seen in hopes of glimpsing the divine politician for themselves.

“I don’t know when he’ll come back—it may not be until 2020 or 2024 or maybe later—but I can say with the deepest conviction that he will return to us one day,” said Priebus, speaking with a tranquil smile. “And on that day, whenever it may be, he will deliver us from all our trials and our hardships, and the GOP will be saved.”