So, I was reading this article on FB last night, about the whole “Januhairy” thing. If you don’t know what it is, it’s basically a thing where women don’t shave any body hair for the month of January, to help promote body positivity, and acceptance of one’s own natural state.

As I was reading it, I was thinking to myself That would drive me crazy. Specifically, not shaving my armpits. It made me feel itchy, just thinking about it. But, there again, I don’t shave my legs unless I feel like it. I always wear jeans, anyway…so it’s not like anyone sees it. Also, I’m single. Forever.

Anyway, when I got to the comments on the article, I couldn’t help but get worked up. There were basically two kinds of comments. The ones that came from a woman, assuring everyone that she would never go without shaving, because that was gross…and the comments from the men that all stated either that feminism made women disgusting and vile, or “Good luck getting laid/finding a man!”

That infuriated me.

The women annoyed me, simply because they were in such a rush to remove themselves from the pack, and reassure the men. There was no solidarity. It doesn’t even matter if they chose to shave, or not. That is entirely a personal preference, and no one has any right to tell anyone what to do with their own body. But the way the women were essentially shaming any other woman that would decide to do such a thing was disappointing.

The men made me angry. All of their posts were the same…and I wanted to scream at them “YOU ARE ASSUMING THAT EVERYTHING WE DO WITH OUR BODIES IS DEPENDENT UPON HOW YOU RECEIVE US.”

Of course, I didn’t post a comment. Why? Because, I knew it would get lost in the flurry, and any attention it did get would be negative. Not only that, but I figured it was possible that, once I commented on it, my comment might show up in someone else’s timeline (specifically my ex), and be an open door to ridicule.

That made me think about my gut reaction…and realize how true it is.

Why do I give a fuck what my ex thinks about my perspective on female body hair?

I have a slew of other ones, too. Why do I spend an hour putting on makeup, and doing my hair, every morning? Why do I change outfits a hundred times, trying to find something flattering? Why do I try so hard to lose weight, and keep my skin soft, and keep from laughing too loud, and keep from mouthing off sarcastically?

Because society has taught me that my only worth comes from how men view me. My boss. My ex-husband. Men that are strangers, that I run into. I have to look decent, for them. Why? Do they go through the same kind of effort?

Having lived with a man for more than 20 years of my adult life, I can attest that many of them do not. If we needed to go somewhere, my ex would run his hands through his hair, put on some pants, and walk out the door. He shaved when he felt like it, or grew out his beard if he didn’t. He didn’t spend hours in front of the mirror, examining his flaws and wondering if he was presentable.

Sure, there are some men that go to great lengths to groom themselves. I’m not saying there aren’t. What I’m saying is that it’s actually more socially acceptable for them not to, than it is for a woman. If I get up out of bed in the morning, throw on some yoga pants and put my hair up in a clip, and run to the grocery store…I’m going to be looked at as either sloppy, or ill. People are easily going to notice that I’m not wearing makeup, or that I haven’t brushed my hair properly. If I run into anyone I know, it will be awkward. I will feel judged, and they will feel uncomfortable, seeing me in all my natural blah-ness.

I hate that.

How can I constantly reassure my 9 year old daughter that she is beautiful, inside and out, if I’m spending so much time trying to cover up what I truly look like? How do I teach her to have a positive body image, if I won’t even change shirts in front of her, because I’m ashamed of my own body? How do I teach her that she is not on this planet merely to provide some sort of aesthetic for a man, when I go to such lengths to be “presentable” to men?

It’s infuriating. It’s discouraging. It’s reality.

I’ve decided I’m going to tone it down. I’m not sure I can just stop wearing makeup…I’m far too self-conscious for that…but I can reduce it. I can reduce the effort that I put into making myself look like someone else.

Maybe, that way, when (and if) I ever do meet someone else, he might actually want the real me. Maybe I won’t feel like I need to jump out of bed in the morning and make myself look better, before he wakes up. Maybe, when I do dress up, he’ll see it as an enhancement of my natural beauty…rather than my only beauty.

But there I go again…making about pleasing a man.

Sigh.