What we're getting wrong about domestic violence following death of Hannah Clarke and her three children

Updated

In three decades of practice as a social worker and researcher, I have worked with people who have survived, as well as perpetrated, intimate partner violence. Sadly, I have also worked with people who have been murdered by the very people who claimed to love them.

As police investigate the circumstances surrounding the tragic and senseless deaths of Hannah Clarke and her three children, Aaliyah, Laianah and Trey, there is little doubt the scourge of domestic violence is a topic that will continue to dominate the national discourse — and rightly so.

But while many of these conversations and media pieces will be based on the best available evidence and empathy, others will be based upon misguided information and outdated opinions.

It is up to us to challenge that.

Their deaths demand that we pause to review not only what we know about domestic violence, but the effectiveness of our legal and social service system response.

'I feel like a man when I'm hurting people'

It is imperative that we do not create a narrative where domestic violence is seen as "mutual combat" or "relationship conflict". It occurs when one person makes a unilateral choice to exert power and control over another person.

Perpetrators rely on a range of tactics to assert control, including physical and sexualised violence, psychological and emotional abuse, financial abuse and social isolation, among others.

Men that I have worked with both in a therapeutic environment and as participants in research are acutely aware that they are using these coercive strategies.

At times, they appeared to thrive on them, telling me: "I use violence because it works", and "that's the purpose of domestic violence, to control a person".

Many of those who use violence also hold strongly entitled attitudes supportive of a culture of toxic masculinity.

Other men I have interviewed have said things like: "I feel like a man when I'm hurting people", and "she knows that if I hurt her, it's because of something that she's done".

When violence becomes a parenting choice

Their choices are made within a wider patriarchal context that privileges men's needs and interests over those of women and children.

When children are involved, using violence becomes a parenting choice.

As such, it is extremely difficult to reconcile the notion that domestically violent men can be simultaneously abusive partners and good fathers.

As part of my research, I spoke to men who had gone through men's behaviour change programs about their experiences of being a father. They often drew a distinction between themselves as a partner and as a parent.

They would say things like, "Oh, my violence towards her is separate to my fathering", or "I'm a really great dad", without considering the impact witnessing domestic violence would have on their child.

Likewise, in the public discourse, there is often a false dichotomy where we see the actions of perpetrators as separate to their capacity as parents. They were "good fathers" and "doting dads" who just happened to snap and kill their family.

This is especially difficult to reconcile when one considers the extensive evidence about the co-existence of men's abuse of children and women.

The child protection and family law systems remain fragmented and under-resourced, resulting in poor outcomes for many women and children attempting to journey away from domestically violent men.

'Why don't you just leave?'

Most women who mother children in the context of domestic violence are doing an incredible job of protecting their children within a complex environment and within a society that frequently casts judgement upon their abilities as a mother.

Our research at the University of Sydney and University of Melbourne has found that the "failure to protect" discourse is alive and well in many of our legal and social service institutions.

It results in unfair and sexist practices that hold women survivors responsible for exposing children to domestic violence, rather than holding domestically violent men accountable for their abuse.

Many women that I've worked with say that they are frequently asked the question: "Why don't you just leave?"

They comment that they do not hear people asking domestically violent men, "Why don't you stop being disrespectful and abusive?"

Victim blaming attitudes come to the fore in many ways, including (but not limited to) media reports that delve into the psyche of the victim and question her motives for staying, while reporting on the "stress" that men must have been under so as to account for the murders of women and children.

However, our research has found that these attitudes and practices can be changed.

In a relatively short period of time, we have seen improvements in practice when the perpetrator's pattern of abuse is mapped and practitioners partner with survivors and maintain a focus on children's safety.

We need on-the-ground action

Responding to domestic violence, however, requires more than a narrative shift.

Women and children must have access to safe refuge accommodation if they do not feel safe remaining in their homes.

Despite repeated calls for government to take leadership and ensure that women have access to specialist domestic violence refuges, stay-safe-at-home programs, and affordable long-term safe housing options, domestic violence continues to be the leading cause of homelessness in Australia.

Many domestic violence refuge workers that I have interviewed report that they are under-resourced and forced to regularly turn women and children away.

They told me that many of these women were sent onto the street or had to resort to living in cars. Some would have their children removed because they were homeless. Others would be killed.

We need to offer extensive support to women at this time.

Any breaches of protection orders must be responded to appropriately by police, and men who fail to comply with restrictions placed upon them must be held accountable for their choices.

Many women that I have interviewed report that breaches of protection orders are frequently not responded to in a timely and serious fashion, leaving them to feel unsafe and unprotected.

We can all help enact change

As Australia is left reeling over the tragic deaths of yet another woman and her young children, we must reflect on our own attitudes towards domestic violence, and what we can do as a community to counter these types of behaviours.

If you're a man who uses violence and coercive control in your intimate partner relationship, make a choice to change.

Pick up a phone and ask for help or call your local health centre and enrol in a men's behaviour change program or parenting program.

If you're a politician, listen to the experts and practitioners who work in our under-resourced and fragmented system. Fully fund and implement the recommendations or the numerous expensive royal commissions, inquiries and research projects that have been undertaken in this area.

If you're a journalist or keyboard warrior, think carefully about the questions you ask and the words you use to construct your story.

And if you're a professional who works with people surviving or perpetrating domestic violence, ensure that you have access to the best evidence so that you can provide a trauma-informed, domestic violence-informed response that does not result in the secondary victimisation of women and children.

We can all make a choice to create a responsive system that holds and protects women like Hannah and her children, who should never have to navigate our complex legal and service system alone.

Dr Sue Heward-Belle is a senior lecturer at the University of Sydney and is a recognised leader in domestic and family violence research. She has almost 30 years' experience in the domestic violence and child protection fields and has conducted many studies in these areas.

Topics: community-and-society, domestic-violence, child-abuse, family-and-children, children, men, law-crime-and-justice, murder-and-manslaughter, crime, australia, brisbane-4000, qld

First posted