It’s become a practice of the present author in recent years to begin in February a painstaking search for the new ballcap that will express his entire being. It’s also become a practice in recent years to parlay that search into web content so that the author might “remain” “employed.”

Two years ago, this pursuit yielded a Winston-Salem Spirits cap from 1994 with a weird red sun and melancholy eagle on it. Last year, I had the fortune of procuring a handsome Diablos Rojos cap from the actual team store at Parque Fray Nano in Mexico City. In each case, I have documented the relevant search for the benefit of posterity — even if posterity has failed to show any real interest in my work.

In any case, what follows marks the beginning of this year’s search.

To wit:

Absolut Vintage Strapback Cap (Link)

Style: Strapback

Time Left: 8 days, 2 hours

Cost: US $9.00 (Buy It Now)

Have you ever wanted to give the impression that you were a devotee of 80s sitcom Moonlighting without actually having to watch all 68 episodes of it? Have you ever wondered what a baseball uniform designed by Patrick Nagel might look like? This cap goes some way to addressing both of those concerns.

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Colorado Rockies Deadstock Hat Cap (Link)

Style: Snapback

Time Left: N/A

Cost: US $36.89 (Buy It Now)

It’s strange that this Rockies cap features not one but two insignia on it. It’s strange in a different way that the description of the cap, while quite thorough in other respects, contains zero references to the sartorial mutation present on its crown. In either case, this item is ideal for those who possesses only monocular vision.

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Elizabeth New Jersey New Era Rare Deadstock Cap (Link)

Style: Fitted (7 1/4)

Time Left: N/A

Cost: US $7.00 (Buy It Now)

So far as area codes are concerned, the 908 possesses little of the street cache of a 213 or 313. What it does seem to possess, however, is a large cartoon rendering of either a car rim or ferris wheel in the middle of it. Research might reveal which of the two — a rim or ferris wheel — is actually depicted here, but the author isn’t the sort to perform that sort of due diligence. As Emil Cioran states, “A writer musn’t know things in depth… only the things that go with his temperament.”

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Smith College Dad The Game Deadstock Cap (Link)

Style: Strapback

Time Left: 5 days, 3 hours

Cost: US $11.90 (Buy It Now)

This same cap depicted in this same image was available last February, too. Which, that suggests a number of things — chief among them that, in a Venn diagram, the circle denoting Smith Dads overlaps zero percent with the circle denoting People Who Buy Used Hats on the Computer.

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Volvo Snapback Hat Cap Rare 90s s40 s60 turbo Deadstock (Link)

Style: Snapback

Time Left: Sold!

Cost: US $19.99 (Buy It Now)

This cap, it turns out, actually isn’t available. Or, rather: it was available when the author began his search, but then it was purchased in the meantime. The obvious moral lesson: avoid forming attachments to the material world. Either that, or: if you’re attempting to purchase a Volvo hat from 1995, either go hard or don’t go at all.