Yow. If you missed the story, US PsyOps personnel are using music as a torture tactic on captives in Iraq. How silly, you say? Torture someone with music? Well, check out the playlist.

“Fuck Your God” – Deicide “Die MF Die” – Dope “Take Your Best Shot” – Dope “White America” – Eminem “Kim” – Eminem “Barney Theme Song” – Barney “Bodies” – Drowning Pool “Enter Sandman” – Metallica “Meow Mix” jingle “Sesame Street Theme” “Babylon” – David Gray “Born in the USA” – Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band “Shoot to Thrill” – AC/DC “Stayin’ Alive” – The Bee Gees “All Eyes on Me” – Tupac “Dirty” – Christina Aguilera “America” – Neil Diamond “Bulls on Parade” – Rage Against the Machine “American Pie” – Don McLean “Click Click Boom” – Saliva “Cold” – Matchbox 20 “Swan Dive” – HedPE “Raspberry Beret” – Prince

Sweet fancy square-dancin’ Jesus.

Sergeant Mark Hadsell, of Psy Ops, told Newsweek magazine: “These people haven’t heard heavy metal.” They can’t take it. If you play it for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. That’s when we come in and talk to them.”

I’ll talk! I’ll talk! Anything you want to know! Just, please, for the love of all things sacred, no more Bee Gees.

A quick perusal of this mixtape from Hell no doubt presents you with some songs you kinda like, but the idea of hearing it over and over and over and over and over and over again? Damn, that would be like non-stop exposure to Rock 92 in Greensboro, only worse. Puts a whole new spin on the term “extreme rendition,” huh? (And by the way, years of exposure to said Rock 92 have me wondering how Bob Seger didn’t make the cut.)

Of course, the story gets better.

However, human rights organisation, Amnesty International, said such tactics may constitute torture – and coalition forces could be in breach of the Geneva Convention.

You think? Amnesty’s allegations have proponents of musical torture saying some pretty silly shit in defense of the approach, too.

Rick Hoffman, vice president of the Psy Ops Veterans Association, told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme that such a tactic would have no long-lasting effect on prisoners.

Bitch, please. I heard “Playground in My Mind” once back in the ’70s and I’m still in therapy.

Suffice it to say that I can see the merits of both arguments. On the one hand, I have no doubt that this is an effective no-touch interrogation technique. On the other, turning a guy’s brains to mush has to be a violation of something.

Still, guests at our detention facilities in Iraq should be happy that the program is being run by amateurs. Sure, the playlist above is a good one, but … it could be so much worse. If I were in charge, we might add a few things:

“It’s a Small World After All”

“Copacabana” – Barry Manilow

“Your Body is a Wonderland” – John Mayer (right about here is where the prisoner would begin begging for death)

“Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus

“The Chicken Dance”

“Da Da Da” – Trio

“Tom’s Diner” – Suzanne Vega (just the first couple measures on endless loop)

“Iâ€™d Do Anything for Love (But I Wonâ€™t Do That)” – Meatloaf (actually, I’d just use the section where he repeats the title about 65 times in a row – on loop)

“The End” – The Doors (stop teasing me – please let it be the end)

Soundtrack from episode one of “Cop Rock”

“Hollaback Girl” – Gwen Stefani

“The Hamster Dance”

“Ice Ice Baby” – Vanilla Ice

“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” – William Shatner

“Someone’s Knockin’ at the Door” – Paul McCartney

“Muskrat Love” – Captain & Tennile

“The Macarena”

“The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia” – Vicki Lawrence

“Coconut” – Nilsson

“Mambo No. 5” – Lou Bega

“Glory of Love” – Chicago (hearing Peter Cetera sing the lines “I am a man / who will fight for your honor” will make the detainee laugh so hard he’ll hack up his own gall bladder)

“Two Princes” – Spin Doctors (especially effective if captives are from a culture that has invented musical phrasing)

“Mr. Roboto” – Styx

“Hot Rod Lincoln” – Commander Cody & the Lost Planet Airmen

“The Star-Spangled Banner” – Roseanne Barr

“The Star-Spangled Banner” – Carl Lewis

Any five-second snippet of Mariah Carey hitting her dog-slayer note – on a loop

“YMCA” – The Village People

“Mickey” – Toni Basil

“I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred

“What’s Up?” – 4 Non-Blondes (Jesus, I just threw up in my mouth a little)

“Don’t Worry Be Happy” – Bobby McFerrin (also effective when torturing captives with irony)

“If You’re Happy and You Know It”

“Kumbaya” – any youth praise choir in America

I could go on. Literally – I’m not even getting warmed up yet.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that if we could put a satellite with insanely powerful speakers in low orbit over the Middle East, we could use a playlist like this to blast them evil Arab terrorists into permanent submission in a matter of days.

Of course, at that point we’d probably be in violation of some space-based weaponry treaty or another…

Thanks to Dr. Mike Pecaut for the story tip and links.