WARNING: The following post contains graphic details regarding sexuality. If you are squeamish to these things, why on earth are you reading this blog in the first place!?

One of the most common misconceptions regarding the fetish lifestyle revolves around the concept of a perfect coupling between a Dominant and a submissive. On the exterior, the physical appearance of both these archtypes can seem daunting – be it a leather clad, brooding individual with an array of whips and other instruments, a nubile young woman clad in collar and lingerie.

In truth, like anybody else alive, such fantastical imagery is purely the work of imagination. Behind the scenes, such folk remain very much human and for that matter, like any human being, they are prone to making certain embarrassing and awkward mistakes.

The following series of stories, written with the express consent of its anonymous sharers, is a collection of bedroom mishaps and awkward moments during moments of intimacy. We’ve all been there at some point or another, vanilla or otherwise.

***

For the sake of abbrevity, the Dominant who recounted this unfortunate incident is best described as somewhat obese; rather, in his own words, “Face it, I’m a fat fucking bastard”. At a quiet smoking area outside of a certain play party, the Dominant pulled me aside and once void of any eavesdropper began to recollect his tale. His features are rough, stern and naturally intimidating; his personality, however, a stark contrast to his grim visage. Clad in leather regalia, he was an older individual and the emblems stiched to his vest were badges earned through years of community contribution and service. When he spoke, it became evident that his Master’s cap was well earned.

“It was a long shift that particular day. I had worked a twelve hour shift and had this session scheduled sometime in the evening. At some point or another, I forgot to ate.” He shook his head, a look of dismay hovering over his brow. “The weekend before I was at a cigar event, where leather people gathered to smoke cigars and socialize together. Somebody gave me an entire box of Cubans so here I was, instead of eating lunch or grabbing a snack, puffing away like some type of a furnace.”

“After a while, I began to get hungry but hell, rather than delaying the session in order to grab food, I made the fatal fucking mistake of going along as planned. You never play on an empty stomach. Before I started the session, I stopped and grabbed a few granola bars, but that still wasn’t enough.”

“So, I take it you’ve had sex before, right?” I nodded. “You burn a lot of energy when you fuck. There’s even a fetish dedicated to exercise through sex. You know why most swinger clubs offer food? Because everyone is looking to get laid. When you play in the scene, you burn energy because your body produces adrenaline and other neuro-chemicals. Ever wonder why you get hungry after an intense session? Its the side effect of burning energy.”

“Anyways I was hungry like a mule but this boy, I had my eyes on him for a while, and frankly I was horny as an ox. I seriously wanted to fuck this guy.” He shook his head again, sighing. “I don’t even know why I decided to share this story with you, but still I met up with him and we started out slow, build things up a bit, and half the time I was beginning to starve. I was tempted to call it off and grab a snack but here’s this boy, I tell you, he’s got some endurance, taking out a beating like you wouldn’t believe. It was hot as hell, literally too, given that it was summer.”

“I’m sweating, he’s sweating, and I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded but not in the dangerous I’m-a-hungry-hippo kind of way.” He pauses, jerking a finger at me. “Don’t you dare refer to me as a hippo either. The boy’s all hot and bothered and I’m turned on, ready to raise hell and finally I decide to get down and do the dirty.”

He gestures at his stomach. “Now I’ve got this hood over his head that’s covered up his face and his ears which adds to the pleasure. However, this fat wad right here, my stomach, is lifted and pressed over his backside. I’ve spent maybe twenty or forty minutes building up and God only knows, my stomach was growling.”

“I’m pounding him at this point and I’m fucking horny as hell. He’s having the time of his life and just at that moment, my stomach starts growling. Now here’s the good part.”

“He thinks, due to the hood, I’M growling at him so get this, he growled back. He starts growling and grunting and here I am horny and hungry and trying to get off, so I start going faster and as I go faster my stomach growls louder and so does he. I’m starting to get frustrated by all this but I don’t want to explain, I just want to get off really fucking badly then get some food.”

“He’s growling at this point like some kind of animal. My stomach is growling and then I’m actually growling because I get this bizarre tinge, like some kind of a reverse humiliation psychological mindfuck effect of both excitement and embarassment. The harder I fuck him, the louder my stomach growls; the louder my stomach growls, the louder HE growls and I’m growling.”

“You would think that it was some kind of a depraved bear orgy which was exactly what it was.”

“Finally, after what felt like forever, I just shoot the biggest load and dear God it was fucking wonderful. I flop over and he flops over. I remember this clearly. I pulled the hood off his head and here’s this boy looking up at me, panting for breath, thanking me before he adds: Why, Sir, that was the best sex I’ve ever had. You were such an animal.”

He facepalms. “Just get up and make me a sandwich, I said.”

***

The young woman I meet up with is naked save for a pair of underwear and matching socks. With a collar around her neck, it becomes apparent from both the way she speaks and the tag hanging off the O-ring where she leaned towards within the scene; however, there is a charm to the combination of her feisty commentary and playful feminity that suits her scantily clad appearance.

With her arms wrapped around me, perched on my lap, it becomes an effort to pay attention to her story while also trying not to let my hands wander too far. In a crowded play space, she whispers the account against my ear, if only for posterity’s sake.

“We started out meeting at mutual events and munches. I mean, of course, like anyone we started off as friends. We were both shy but when I managed to prompt him into talking, it was clear that he was as dominant as he was attractive. He turned me on. From time to time, I would catch him looking at me from the corner of his eyes and it was cute. I was really attracted to him.”

“After a few months of talking, we decided to get together for a play date so I’m all excited about this opportunity.” She pauses, hiding her face as she keeps trying not to crack up. “Oh my goodness, this is awful. As I was saying, we met up on the weekend and spent the afternoon playing and,” She pauses, emphasizing the words. “Oh. My. God. It was so fucking intense. I was high as a kite. I still had the bruises for at least two months afterwards.”

“We kept teasing one another about taking it a step further or maybe it was him.” She paused momentarily, giggling. “Nah, I’m such a slut, anyways it was maybe a few hours after the scene and we were both hungry. I had my day off on Monday and his classes weren’t until the afternoon. He wanted to get some dinner.”

She paused then added, “We ate sushi.”

I cringed slightly. Sushi had a 50/50 chance of either being fulfilling or not sitting well after a play session. When she looked at me, her eyes were narrowed and it was clear what she was about to say. She nodded slowly at me.

“He was fine. I, on the other hand, got sick. I mean, at first it didn’t feel like I was sick and we actually sat down on the couch and decided to put on a movie, let the food digest. Halfway through we’re making out and he carries me to the bedroom. We strip off our clothes and get ready to have sex.”

“That’s when I got sick.” She buried her head into my shoulder, hissing with laughter. “I’m about to give him head when all of a sudden, I felt nauseous. It was the worst timing ever. Suddenly I wanted to get him out of there so I could make a dash to the washroom and hurl. Too far. I had to go to the kitchen.”

“Before he could realize what was happening, I had shoved him out in his underwear out of the house and onto the porch. I began throwing up all over the sink. It was so embarassing.” She hid her face, laughing hysterically.

“When I looked up, I suddenly screamed because from outside the kitchen window I saw this face staring in at me from the darkness. Eventually I made out who it was, my partner, who had this look of absolute horror and staring with those big puppy dog eyes. He stared at me momentarily and I saw him crying. It was awful.”

“I mean, things have been patched up, and yeah, we got to fuck. We’re close friends but at that moment I remember the way he whimpered: If you didn’t want to play with me, you could have just said so.”

***

“Okay, so this one time,” the Dominatrix, clad in latex, said to me with a smile. “Not at band camp.” She adds, raising a brow at me, before continuing. “My slave and I had this dinner date and scene planned. I instructed her to wear this remote egg I bought online which supposedly had this insane signal range. I wanted her to test it out for me.”

“We met up at this restaurant, a little upper class, but anyways throughout the course of dinner I would occasionally zap her with the remote. It was amusing. She kept squeaking and had to cover her lips with a napkin, let alone how she blushed underneath her makeup. It was so adorable, I couldn’t help but keep doing that until eventually I decided to leave it on.”

She paused, trying to look serious before lowering her head with a sigh, shaking it slowly. “I got up to use the washroom and left her alone to dessert. I had it turned on the medium setting and halfway through as I’m done adjusting my appearance, I get this weird gut feeling something was terribly awry.”

“Naturally I decided to look in my purse.” She paused then looked at me with a look of surprise, eyes wide. “The remote was gone.”

“I tried not to panic. The restaurant was packed with people and thank goodness, there weren’t any families around, just couples and a pianist playing in the background. It was a classy place. You would’ve like it. They had cheesecake.” She snickers. “I’m teasing.”

“Naturally I was freaking out. What if somebody picked it up? I mean, there’s the logo imprinted on the back, which reads something along the lines of sex toy vibrator. What if, say, my slave was on the brink of an orgasm? She squirts. I began to realize, at this point, things were going waaaaay out of hand.”

“I forgot to mention.” She paused, looked around then whispered, “She was wearing a locked chastity belt. She would need my help removing it and the bathroom, given that the noises would be audible, was no place for that. We had to leave.”

“At that moment I had this brilliant idea of retracing my steps. This caught the attention of slave, who at that point was twitching slightly and giving me the ‘I’m about to explode’ look.” I began frantically looking around and almost right away, she just got this look of horror on her face as if though she knew what was going on. I returned to the table and tried to do the poker face.”

“Please tell me you’re fucking with me, Mistress,” She whispered, wide eyed and twitching. “I tried to keep my cool and nodded reassuringly. However, I ducked under the table and tried looking there.”

“Right at that moment, our waiter showed up and asked: Ma’am, did you drop something?” She snickered, leaning against the slave in question, who had this playful yet embarrassed look on her face. “My blood froze because I could see the pair of feet right next to me. From where I was, the buzzing was very audible. Care to finish, slave?”

The young woman beside her nodded slowly, her face blushing profusely. “It was perfect timing. I had this sudden rush of angry dominant attitude rush past me and suddenly I barked at him, trying to stop twitching: Bill please. My. Bill. Please.”

“The waiter said: You can’t do that he- GET THE BILL.” The two of them began laughing uncontrollably at this point, holding on to one another. “From where Mistress was she couldn’t see the remote anywhere beneath the table. It might have been kicked off somewhere. We had to leave.”

“I don’t think I swiped the credit card so fast in my life before.” The Dominatrix remarked. “But you should have seen the way she flew out the door in her heels. Just as we’re about to get her unlocked, the waiter comes out behind us and calls out: Excuse me, Miss, uh, you, uh, forgot your car keys.”

“He bowed his head and it was clear he was trying not to laugh, then held up the remote and I tipped him, like, maybe twenty bucks on the spot. I turned around and slave was looking at me with this look on her face. We nearly died laughing at the parking lot.”

“That was how we got this twenty year old waiter to middle for us during an improvised scene.”

***

The male bottom explains to me. “My wife and I had been part of the scene maybe a year or so. A friend of our invited us to his private party. He had this water bed.”

There was a pause. “She was wearing stiletto heels.”

They both looked at each other then nodded silently.

“It was like Noah’s Ark. Whoever wasn’t on a spanking bench or suspended above ground got their feet wet.” She added.

***

“Once.” The Dom whispers to me. “At this 70’s themed party, I tried doing a fireplay scene while wearing this cheap vinyl suit I got at a costume shop.”

He paused then added, bowing his head. “Never again.”

***

I meet up with the self-described sissy, a man in his mid thirties, sporting a blue polkadot summer dress. “It was, maybe, early or late Spring. The woman I was seeing at the time wanted to do a feminization scene and asked me to bring over my custom corset and dress. She lived in this apartment complex at an area that was nearby this family park.”

He looked at me, “You kind of know where this is going don’t you?”

“See I’m more service oriented and on the weekends, whenever we meet up, I spend roughly the afternoon helping her around the house while dressed as a woman.” He shrugged slightly. “Sometime as I’m helping her out with chores, she lived on the ground floor, I go out to take out the trash while she goes to take a shower.”

“Like some kind of a suspicious person, I poke my head out before I emerge and make my way to the chute. It was clogged. I decided to open the back door and deposit the trash bags into the dumpster but I didn’t have the keys. Here I was, handcuffed, opening the door and wedging this wooden block to hold it open.”

“Nobody was outside so I carefully open the dumpster and toss it in. From nearby I could hear the shower running and just when I tried to go back in, the door swings open, and out walks a pair of these old ladies. I immediately swung around and faced the wall before they could see me.”

“Its not like I’m lanky or anything. I mean, if you took a look at me from behind, you knew I was a man in a dress. I was terrified. I heard them walk away, maybe they didn’t notice me, and then the door slammed shut. I was locked out. My partner was showering and couldn’t possibly notice me outside.”

“I tried calling out to her. No luck. The door was unlocked to her apartment and knowing her, it seemed likely she was going to take a while, maybe put on something nice. I, on the other hand, was fucked.”

“It was maybe four in the afternoon. I could hear children playing in the background. The complex was surrounded by a fenced area that blocked out nearby traffic. However, that was still all the around to the front of the building. I tried waiting for someone to open the door and maybe ten minutes when by, then the door swung open, and by this time I was hiding behind the dumpster. A family with kids walked out and I realized, there’s no way I was going to subject them to seeing what I do in private.”

“I was shaking with fear. If the cops found me, handcuffed in a dress, it seemed likely that they would think worse of me – a man in his mid-thirties – caught outside in a dress and corset, like some pervert you see on the news. I was in full on panic. At one point I tried jumping up and down, calling ‘Mistress! Mistress’ to no avail.”

“Suddenly I heard a window open above me and I peered out from behind the dumpster to see some housewife peering down, looking concerned. I didnt think she saw me cowering behind where I was hiding but it was apparent that she had heard something. I began cussing left and right.”

“When she disappeared I immediately started to move around the parking lot. The other way inside was through the swimming pool entrance which was closed to maintenance. Nobody would have been around. The minute I sprinted, dress and heels and all, I came face to face with a group of Mexican gardeners that immediately stopped to look at me. One of them reached for his garden rake and in the best way I could, I just walked past them.”

“Just as that happens, I walked into the porch of a large family summer BBQ. I must have somersaulted behind the corner. By this point the gardeners were just staring, unbelieving, and with my head bowed in shame, I walked past them again. Suddenly as I come around the parking lot, one of those shuttle buses with old people pulled up across the parking lot. People began to get out. I was petrified. If one of them saw me, they might have a heart attack.”

“If things could get any worse, I saw Mistress emerge from the shower, wrap herself in a towel then look outside. She had this look of confusion followed by her mouthing the words ‘OH FUCK’, clasped her hands over her mouth, then waved frantically at me. She began scrambling for her clothes.”

“I made my way from car to car towards the back door. She held up a finger to signal wait then immediately sprang out in a bathrobe. Before I could reach the door, the shuttle bus moved and stopped right in front of the back of the apartment; in an instant, I was hiding behind one of the cars.”

“One of the Mexican guys was on his knees, crying from laughter. Another one was leaning against their truck for support.”

“I tried to signal them to get the keys but it was no use. They were laughing so hard that if I stayed there any longer, somebody would notice. Mind you, somebody did, from nearby the parking lot a security guard stopped, saw me, did a double take then kept walking. For a moment, he stopped and nearly made his way towards me, hesitated, then walked away. Maybe he thought about how ridiculous it seemed.”

“The shuttle moved away and I might have broke a record running across the parking lot and into the arms of the apologetic Mistress. We spent the rest of the day cuddling instead.”

***

Another sissy explained once, “My Mistress at the time was from a wealthy household. During one scene, a group of her relatives pulled up to the front of the house, began getting out one by one, hoping to surprise her on Christmas.”

“We didn’t like surprises. All the toys had to go. She reassured me they didn’t have the keys to the house.” He paused then added, “They did.”

“I was maybe in the dining room, loaded up with a duffel bag of toys, when out of the corner pops up this tiny little girl who looked up at me, saw me in the red and white dress, the silver wig, when I was ready to retreat upstairs.”

“She then looked up and smiled, then asked: Santa?”

***

“We had this pony contest once.” A leather woman told me. “Had the most beautiful and complex outfit, full on latex, leather harness and tether, a horse mask, buckles everywhere and locked up.”

“It wasn’t until the contest was over, after she won, that we learned that the incredible speed of her cart race was because of her having a full bladder. She kept prancing around on stage, we all thought she was in heat. Literally right after we finished the reward ceremony, the poor mare just leaped off the stage, broke persona and ran for the washrooms with her trainer in hot pursuit.”

“From now on, if you participate in a pony contest, just remember to avoid drinking too much water prior to the race event.” She paused then correct herself, “Or actually do it, because it might just set a new speed record.”

***

Everyone within the scene takes time to adjust and hone their skills and while there are many less hilarious incidents that exist, perhaps the best mentality to have when in an unexpected situation is to make the most of it and have a fun learning experience.

Thanks to everyone who contributed their experiences for this particular entry.

For the ones who make mistakes, learn from them, and find it in their heart to have a good laugh about it with everyone, this flag flies for them.

Stat Vexillum.

The Flag still stands.