I didn't really come to the outbuildings often, but today I needed supplies. The farm is filled with heaps of old junk of all sorts. We Apples ain't exactly hoarders, but when you had a lot of storage you tended to store stuff in it. Even when it was stuff you didn't need.

Sometimes saving things came in handy though, like today when I was looking for an old harness strap. I could have gone and bought a new one, but that cost bits and those were always in short supply.

I dug around in the piles of junk. I knew there was an old broken harness in here at some point... Not that I could remember whether we had moved it or not.

While I was digging I found myself mulling over the heap. I'm sure some ponies would see this stuff as treasure, we had solid wooden furniture, stacks of stuffed animals and a huuuge pile of books.

Yeah, y'all heard me right, books. We apples didn't buy a lot of them, but the ones we bought we kept. Heck, some of the books in the little crates back here must have been over a hundred...

I smirked, wondering if I should bring some of these crates down to Twilight, make her smile...

I shook myself. The Princess of Friendship had better things to do than dig through a pile of old novels and ledgers from a bunch of apple farmers.

I idly picked one up. Oh! I remembered this one! It was a little ghost story from way back in the day. I leafed through it recallin' all those old yarns from my school days.

I blinked. There as a note in the back cover. I squinted in the light to make it out.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Apple, this book is awarded to your son for his excellent achievement in reading. You should be very proud!"

I went cold.

#

It wasn't very often I fond myself knocking at the door to Rarity's boutique. I didn't have much need for fancy dresses these days (though I'll admit I'd found myself in them a lot more recently). But any-who, I needed some advice and she was the best pony to give it.

She opened the door, squinting. "Applejack? Is everything alright?"

I tilted my hat. "Mostly. Would... Would you mind if I came in?"

She nodded, waving me inside.

It was after hours, so the boutique was a little bit less organized than usual. It was pretty clear that Rarity had some sort of system going where at the end of the day she'd pack up her stock, fold it neatly and cover it over so it didn't get dusty. Then she'd swap out a few pieces that hadn't sold so well and either scrap them or make them work.

It was very neat, very controlled. It was a little fussy, but if I was being honest I was right jealous. She'd managed to find a place for everything.

She sat down at the counter and gestured to a seat on the other side. "Talk to me Applejack. You look like you've seen a ghost."

I chuckled ruefully. "In so many ways..." I reached into my saddle bag and produced the yellowed paperback, plopping it on the desk with a shrug.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. She dusted off the cover with a handkerchief and looked at the title. "The Ghost Next

Door? I'm afraid I don't understand dear."

"It's from school. I found it in the shed." I sighed, scratching my hoof against the bottom of my seat and trying to think of how to phrase this. "Do... Do you remember when we were little? Like real little?"

Her expression softened. I saw pity in her eyes. "Applejack... Is this about... Your former condition?"

I shrugged. "I dunno, maybe? And you don't have to beat around the bush Rares, we're alone."

She nodded, but she still look nervous. "I'm sorry Applejack, it's just... You don't really talk very much about being a trans mare. You haven't even told our friends. Honestly I think most of the town forgot about that little colt a long time ago."

She remembered though, everyone from back then did. Sometimes ponies forgot that Rarity grew up here. In fact, the two of us were the only ones of my core group of friends that had. She was my oldest friend, even if it took me a while to realize we were friends.

I found myself fiddling with my hoof, drawing little circles on the counter. "I dunno. I guess being called the wrong thing wasn't fun, even if it was from some note from before I even knew... But..." I gulped. "I... I can't help I feel I lost something from back then."

She winced.

I held up my hooves. That came out very wrong. "Not my old body! Or its little friend thank you very much. Those were messin' with me something awful, it's just... I feel like maybe back then I had some sort of force, some kind of motivation... Since I transitioned I feel way better about myself, I feel more in control, why haven't I..." I slumped. "Why haven't I done something with that?"

Rarity shook her head. "I'm sorry dear, I'm afraid you misread my expression. I wasn't wincing about bodily changes, those were clearly beneficial. I was wincing about something you actually lost around that time."

Now it was my turn to wince. Dear Mr. and Ms. Apple... that cut deeper, I'll admit...

I let out a breath, fogging up the counter top. I guessed I'd stopped meeting Rarity's eyes at some point. "That... Celestia, is that what I'm talking about? Am I just a transgender orphan who's remembering the days before either of those things could bug me? Lands' sakes'..."

Rarity put a hoof on my shoulder, those waving purple curls reminding me of days long ago.

"Applejack," she said, with strength in her voice, "You are making excuses."

I raised an eyebrow. "Beg pardon?" I'd been expecting some words of comfort.

She pulled her hoof away. "It isn't either of those things that bothered you about that book." She flipped through the pages until she found the note. "Ah, that explains it."

"Explains what!" I barked. I was losing my patience.

"Dear Mr. and Ms. Apple, this book is awarded to your son for his excellent achievement in reading. You should be very proud!" She read. She looked up, raising an eyebrow. "You really don't see what bothers you about that?"

I blinked. "Uh... I think we've already gone over two things that bother me about that little note Rares."

She groaned, rubbing her temples. "I swear, sometimes you're worse than Fluttershy... Look, Applejack, I get that you've had a hard life, I get that you have responsibilities that your hard life has thrust upon you, but you can't stop all that from letting you live your life."

I narrowed my eyes. "What, you reckon I'm some sort of zombie?"

She rolled her eyes. "Quite possibly yes dear, when was the last time you did something big because you wanted to do it?"

I blinked. "Ah do stuff like that all the time! I go to Pinkie's parties, I compete in rodeos..."

She tilted her head. "How many of those rodeo competitions have you entered out of responsibility? Don't I recall a roof that needed fixing, and a cousin that couldn't compete?"

I opened my mouth to respond... Then closed it.

She smiled. "You see what I'm saying then. Applejack, all of your friends would accept you as a transgender orphan with poor fashion sense and a chip on your shoulder, and it's all stuff you're capable of handling, but I really feel like you need to start doing things that make you happy for once."

She rapped her hoof on the book. "You liked reading when you were little, you liked it and it made your loved ones proud. You feel bad because this dime novel reminded you of that and now you want me to comfort you and tell you how it's all better and you haven't lost a thing."

She raised herself up. "Well, you did lose something Applejack, you bottled up something you loved." Her expression softened. "But... You know bottles can be broken, right?"

There was a pause. Rarity waited expectantly while I just sort of stared at her. I...

#

The next morning I knocked on the Princess of Friendship's massive doors. The doors creaked as Twilight Sparkle slid them open. She had a pencil behind her ear and a quizzical look on her face. "Applejack? What's with the crate?"

I blushed. "I just... I had all these old books lyin' around in storage from the early days of Ponyville and... Well, I was wonderin' if you'd like to go through them with me." I shrugged. "Who knows, there might be something really interesting in this here box."

Twilight's eyes went wide. "Applejack that's amazing! Come on in! Spike is making tea. Thank you so much for sharing this with me!"

I smiled. "No problem Twi... No problem at all."