EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY

ANN, a frumpy 25-year-old woman in an overcoat, stands in the

parking lot of a large strip mall, taking in the grand sight

of the tacky storefronts. With a deep breath, she starts

walking up to one.

A man, JOE, sets up a "25% Off Sale!" standee in front of a

store named Joe's Music Corner. He notices Ann approaching

and eagerly turns to her.

JOE

Hi there, miss! Here for a new

guitar?

ANN

Oh, no thank you, I'm actually

going to The Shade Shed.

Joe looks over at The Shade Shed, a store half the size of

all the others on the strip.

JOE

The Shade Shed?!

Ann nods.

ANN

Uh-huh. I'm interviewing Chris

Teale for Business Maniac Weekly.

JOE

No one ever goes to that place.

You should interview me. My store

is way more successful.

ANN

But Mister Teale is so mysterious,

and I'm strangely drawn to him for

some inexplicable reason.

JOE

But I sell amplifiers.

ANN

I'll keep that in mind.

Ann walks past Joe.

JOE

Like us on Facebook!

INT. THE SHADE SHED

Ann enters. The walls are lined with sunglasses on display

racks. The reception desk sits unattended, covered with

paper airplanes. A few feet in front of the desk is a card

table with a bedsheet draped over it.

ANN

H-hello?

CHRIS, a 28-year-old man in a cheap suit, pokes his head out

from under the sheet.

CHRIS

Tina! Fort Chris needs a flag!

He notices Ann.

CHRIS

Oh f-

His retreats back under the sheet.

CHRIS (O.S.)

Tina! Tinaaa!

TINA, a twentysomething secretary, emerges from a back room,

carrying a trash bag filled with empty aluminum cans.

TINA

You seriously drink too much

caffeine, Chris.

She sees Ann.

TINA

Oh!

Tina drops the trash bag and hurries to the reception desk.

TINA

Hello! Um...what do you want?

ANN

I'm...Ann Copper. I'm here to

interview Mister Teale?

TINA

Okay...well...uh...

CHRIS (O.S.)

(whispering)

"Mister Teale is in an important -"

TINA

Mister Teale is in an important

meeting!

Chris crawls out from behind the bedsheet-adorned card table,

scrambling on his hands and knees to the back room, where the

sound of rustling cans then emanates from.

TINA

Please have a seat and you'll be

notified when he's ready to see

you.

Ann looks around.

ANN

There...aren't any chairs.

TINA

Please lean against a counter and

you'll be notified when -

CHRIS (V.O.)

(from desk intercom)

Tina.

TINA

(to intercom)

Yeah, Chris - I mean, sir?

CHRIS (V.O.)

I've never used an intercom before.

Am I doing it right?

TINA

I think so, sir.

CHRIS (V.O.)

Cool! Intercoms are awesome!

The intercom goes silent for a long, awkward moment.

CHRIS (V.O.)

Hey Tina.

TINA

Yes, sir?

CHRIS (V.O.)

Is that one girl still there?

TINA

Yes, sir.

CHRIS (V.O.)

You should tell her to come into my

office now.

TINA

Yes, sir.

(to Ann)

Um, go in?

INT. OFFICE

Ann takes one step in and immediately trips and falls over

the empty energy-drink cans that litter the floor.

ANN

Oh no! I'm so clumsy! I -

She looks up. Chris is standing behind his desk, obliviously

staring out a large window, the view from which is completely

obstructed by the solid brick wall of an adjacent building.

CHRIS

(to himself)

Why is there a window here?

ANN

Hello?

CHRIS

Could just wall this up.

ANN

(louder)

It sure is embarrassing what just

happened to me!

CHRIS

Hang a nice Bob Ross painting.

ANN

I fell on the floor!

Chris turns to Ann.

CHRIS

Oh! I'll buzz Tina on the intercom

to come help you!

Ann shoots to a stand.

ANN

No! That's okay! I wouldn't want

anything to disturb this...private

meeting.

CHRIS

Is there anything I can do for you

that involves me talking on the

intercom?

ANN

No.

CHRIS

(disappointed)

Okay.

Chris cracks open a Red Bull and starts chugging it. Ann

sits down on a folding chair set up in front of his desk.

ANN

It's just nice to sit down.

CHRIS

(between chugs)

Yeah, that chair and the card table

out front have to go back to my dad

in an hour. He's got a big poker

game today, so you'd better make

this quick.

Chris stares off wistfully.

CHRIS

Fort Chris shall be torn asunder.

ANN

Ooh, so your family is important to

you? Would you like to start your

own family? Maybe with a woman?

CHRIS

Is this part of the interview?

ANN

Oh, no. Wait, I have those

questions right here.

Ann takes out her iPhone and reads from it.

ANN

Okay, question one. Up until last

year you were the most prominent

seller of sunglasses in downtown

Seattle. Will you take me out to

dinner -

Chris finishes his Red Bull and throws the empty can across

the room.

CHRIS

I'm still the biggest sunglass

seller!

ANN

Okay.

CHRIS

Those bastards at Twilight Eyes

sell tinted contact lenses! Those

aren't sunglasses at all! They're

contacts that make you look like

those creepy black-eyed kids that

always hang out with Bigfoot!

ANN

Oh my, you're so angry and manly.

It's intimidating.

CHRIS

The only reason I had to move to a

smaller location is because

customers are stupid. Make sure

you put that in the interview.

Customers are stupid.

ANN

Mmm, yes, sir.

CHRIS

That'll get them to shop here

again.

ANN

Mmm-hmm.

CHRIS

You gonna write any of this down or

what?

ANN

I will later. Question two. What

do you do in your free time?

Chris smiles.

CHRIS

I'll show you, my dear.

He stands up and walks over to a closet door.

ANN

Ooh!

CHRIS

This is my top-secret room. I call

it...The Broom Closet.

He opens the door. Inside the cramped space is a hanging

microphone and a pile of recording equipment.

CHRIS

But as of this morning, it's...The

Sound Booth.

ANN

Oh...kay?

CHRIS

In this room...I plan to

record...my audiobook!

Chris grabs a stack of papers off the closet floor and holds

it up.

CHRIS

It's called "The Adventures of

Space Trek," and it will be the new

classic of our times!

ANN

"Space Trek"? That sounds like

"Star Tr-

CHRIS

It doesn't sound like anything!

It's my own totally original story!

Copyright Chris Teale registered

trademark patent pending!

ANN

Okay.

CHRIS

You have no idea how many Red Bulls

and Rock Stars it took to come up

with this masterpiece!

ANN

Well that's...sexy?

CHRIS

Also, don't put any of this in the

interview. It's a secret.

ANN

Then why are you telling me about

it?

CHRIS

Because...

Chris walks up to Ann.

CHRIS

...I want you to voice the

audiobook!

ANN

Me?! Why?!

CHRIS

Because you're the chosen one.

Chosen by me.

ANN

Holy crap! I can't believe this!

I'm not worthy!

CHRIS

I am Chris Teale and I command it

to be so!

Ann jumps out of her seat and excitedly bobs up and down.

ANN

Omigod omigod omigod...

CHRIS

You just have to sign my contract.

Chris reaches behind his desk and pulls out a placemat with

Ronald McDonald's face on it.

ANN

...omigod omig- Wait, that's a

placemat from McDonald's.

Chris holds the placemat up to Ann.

CHRIS

Sign the contract!

CUT TO:

Ann stands in the open doorway of the closet, the microphone

in her face.

ANN

I think I'm way too close to this

thing, Chris.

CHRIS

It adds to the realism.

ANN

How -

CHRIS

Now start reading.

ANN

These pages are all mixed up.

CHRIS

Just start reading. I'll fix it

later.

ANN

(reading)

"And so Birk and Splock set out to

heroically murder those asshole

aliens from planet Trilight Fies

with the help of their new best

friend Gris Deale."

A precariously-placed cardboard box tips off of a shelf above

Ann's head.

ANN

Oh crap!

She jumps out of the way as the box falls on the floor and

contact lenses spill out of it.

ANN

What's this?

CHRIS

I don't know. Hey, Gris Deale sure

is a badass, isn't he?

Ann reads some text on the box.

ANN

"Property of Twilight Eyes Custom

Contact Lenses." I knew it!

She throws off her overcoat, revealing a holstered handgun,

and holds up a police badge.

ANN

Ann Grabowski, SPD!

CHRIS

I thought you said your last name

was Copper - ohhh.

ANN

When Twilight Eyes was robbed, they

told me you had a grudge against

them, so here I am, and here you

are, under arrest!

CHRIS

I never robbed those assholes!

They probably framed me!

ANN

Yeah, yeah. Turn around and put

your hands behind your head. You

have the right to remain silen-

Tina falls through the ceiling and slams onto Chris's desk.

Several more boxes full of contact lenses follow her, hitting

the floor.

ANN

What the crap?!

CHRIS

Tina?

TINA

Goddamn cheap ceiling tiles!

Ann pulls Tina off the desk.

ANN

Ann Grabowski, SPD! Mind telling

me what's going on here?!

CHRIS

Tina? Were you framing me?

TINA

Yes!

CHRIS

Gasp!

TINA

But only because you're guilty of a

worse crime!

(to Ann)

Officer, arrest this man for

plagiarism!

ANN

What?

TINA

His stupid book is a total rip-off

of the great "Star Trek" fan

fiction "Gorn and Horta's Hot Night

in the Erogenous Zone," written by

"starlightdazzlegoddess94"!

ANN

Would "starlightdazzlegoddess94"

happen to be you?

TINA

M-maybe!

CHRIS

You read my book! It was a secret!

TINA

No one ever comes into this dump!

There's nothing to do here but go

through all the stuff you have in

your office!

CHRIS

Customers are stupid!

ANN

So you committed a robbery and

framed Chris for it, and now you

want me to arrest him for ripping

off a fan fiction you wrote?

TINA

Yes!

ANN

Uh-huh.

CUT TO:

EXT. STRIP MALL - LATER

Ann escorts a handcuffed Tina out of The Shade Shed.

ANN

You have the right to remain

silent. Anything you say can and

will be used against you -

Joe runs up.

JOE

Oh, you're a cop! Thank god. I

need your help.

ANN

What now?

JOE

I was just in my supply room and

saw that someone broke in and stole

my most expensive audio-recording

equipment!

Chris pokes his head out of the entrance door.

CHRIS

I was framed!

ANN

That's it!

Ann pulls her gun and aims at Chris, but is interrupted when

unseen trumpets start blaring.

ANN

The hell?

ALEX D. LINZ parachutes down holding a trophy depicting Max

Martini's head.

ALEX D. LINZ

Hi, I'm former child actor Alex D.

Linz, and I'm here to present all

of you with the Golden Taylor Award

for being the one-billionth parody

of "Fifty Shades of Grey"!

ANN

Holy crap!

JOE

Wow!

Chris runs out to join everyone.

CHRIS

We did it!

Tina casually flings off her handcuffs.

TINA

Yay!

A giant light grid reading "ONE BILLION!" rises up from the

roof of the strip mall as streamers rain down from the sky.

Alex D. Linz pops a bottle of champagne and sprays it

everywhere. Ann, Chris, Joe, and Tina cheer and gather

behind him.

EVERYONE

(singing)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind...

ALEX D. LINZ

(to camera)

Happy new year, everybody!

THE END