For those of you who thought the Catholic Church was truly feeling some deep remorse about the tens of thousands of children who have been molested by priests over the years, think again.

Self-reflection, shame, and remorseful regret?

Are you out of your mind?

How about a defiant counterattack in the face of unjust criticism and slander?

Oh yeah, you heard that right. According to the Guardian, the Vatican has indeed just lashed out at its critics— that is, those who say it hasn't done enough to uncover and stop the abuse—claiming that the abuse is just as bad, if not worse, in other religions and dominations.

That's right, people, the Catholic Church—according to the Catholic Church—is actually one of the world leaders when it comes to low sex abuse rates among clergy.

You want real sex abuse? Check out the Jews, Protestants, Muslims, and Hindus. And, for Christ sakes, don't forget those filthy-minded Buddhists.

Pedophilia, Schmedophilia

Even more ballsy than all this finger pointing at others and insinuations that the whole thing has been blown out of proportion by the media and those whiny little "victims" is the claim that none of this has anything to do with pedophilia.

Yes, that's right, according to the Vatican none of this is really about pedophilia, rather it's all about raging ephebophilia (the homosexual attraction to adolescent males).

In other words, it's not so much about sexual abuse as it is about gay priests, to quote the Vatican, "engaging in sex with adolescent boys between the ages of 11 and 17".

What a relief! And to think that I had felt sickened by all this alleged abuse, when really it was never anything more than teenage (and prepubescent) boys "engaging in sex" with their priests.

I don't know about you, but I'm convinced by all this and I think it's finally time that people lay off the poor misunderstood Catholic Church.

Minuscule Numbers

Oh and one other thing: the Vatican also stated that, "only 1.5%-5%" of Catholic clergy are involved in child sex abuse.

I know that some may argue with that number but, personally, I know the good church has nothing to hide and these numbers are probably pretty accurate.

So, using the five-percent figure, with a worldwide Catholic priesthood of more than 400,000, that means there are only about 20,000 Catholic priests presently involved in child sex abuse. And those 20,000 on average are only molesting, say, half a dozen to a dozen kids at any one time, right? So at worst there are only between 120,000 and 250,000 kids being buggered and fondled by their clergy in any given month.

That's nothing! Not even when you add in the thousands of others who claim to have been abused by non-priests, such as the Christian Brothers in both Newfoundland and in Ireland, where a government inquiry found rape to be "endemic" over a period of decades, or when you include the tens of thousands of Natives who suffered abuse in Canada's notorious residential schools.

No, I think it's pretty clear, the Vatican is right; there simply isn't anything to be concerned about here. Especially since, once again, we're not actually talking about pedophilia, but only priests "engaging in sex with adolescent boys".

Lighten up everyone; priests have to have a little fun, too, you know.

Hasn't the Church been put through enough already? Seriously, if you're looking for a real victim in all of this, look no further than the poor misunderstood Church.

I'm so glad they stood up for themselves and finally set this matter straight once and for all.

Mike Cowie is a freelance writer who writes about politics, music, film, travel, and much more. You can read more of Mike’s views on his Web site.