Reknown bloodsucker and cosmic expert Stephen Hawking has finally succumbed to the vampire syphilis he contracted from Eleanor Roosevelt in 1912.

As his crumpled form dissipates into ash, the world mourns the death of its most prominent blood-sucking oracle. This is the very same undead seer who brought us such indispensable prophecies such as:

Aliens will probably kill us.

Robots will probably kill us.

Earth will probably kill us.

We will probably kill us.

You’re all going to fucking die.

Such wise guidance has not existed on Earth since Carl Sagan died of billions of cancers. There is little doubt that without the cautionary pronouncements of such a benevolent naysayer, humanity will soon slip into dark holes made of black matter and see their final survivors crushed by Predators and Terminators.

Our only hope now is that Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye can assist Elon Musk in relocating all of the people, those who have killed Earth, to the planet Mars, before the solar system runs out of places to get a tapas brunch without the riff raff.

Stephen Hawkings, astrologer vampire, is gone; but his legacy does not need to be. While his bloodline matures to potentially meet his heights, we can still honor the alarmist narratives which helped him sell books and gain support for the glorious progress that shunned the unworthy in order to keep the future pure for the most deserving.*

*according to Forbes magazine