Dear ISIS,

It’s come to my attention that you may be crossing or planning to cross the southern Texas border illegally to gain entry to the states for your mayhem. The federal government has stated that this is not the case, but anyone with a head on their shoulders hasn’t taken their government’s word for things probably since Mark Felt exposed Nixon, or Daniel Ellsberg exposed Vietnam, or Gary Webb exposed the CIA, or Thomas Drake exposed the NSA, or Bunny Greenhouse exposed the Army/Halliburton tryst, or Coleen Rowley exposed the FBIs fore-knowledge of 9/11, or Bradley Manning exposed the Army, or Edward Snowden exposed the NSA, or Peter Buxtun exposed the Tuskegee Experiment and everything else too. So you’re not fooling anyone, we know you’re crossing that border. But let me tell you it’s a bad idea. Make sure you read this first before getting too involved with that method of infiltration.

I don’t know how much you know about Mexico, but your arrival there is literally only the beginning of your problems. To be honest with you, Texans are way more terrified of border banditry than they are of you, so that should tell you something about the underworld you’re going to have to navigate if you want to make it through the Mexican border lands.

Are you guys brutal? Yes. But I’d still bet on the modern, western hemisphere’s version of brutality over your eastern variant. You kill for Allah, but cartels kill for fun. Also, they have better weapons and training. I’ve never seen a jihadist with anything newer than a Soviet era rifle or an Ottoman era blade. The cartels have tanks and submarines. The cartels also have the best American made weapons and training the Monroe Doctrine could facilitate.

ISIS, I’ve seen your training footage, and I don’t think it’ll give you any special advantage in America, because we have the same kinds of facilities and all our children have been training on them from a very early age. Monkey bars have been in what we call “playgrounds” for years. In fact, we’ve even maternalized our military training here–mothers take their kids to these training facilities when they’re still too young to be dropped off there for all-day indoctrination. We even have logs and tires laying on the ground that trainees can jump over or stand upon (it just depends on which tactics they’re honing). Also, the whole ground is covered in sand… on purpose. Think we haven’t been training for you?

Back to your problems with crossing through Mexico, remember our friends to the South are largely Catholic. You guys already have a strained history so don’t think you’ll be able to slink your way through without raising a few eyebrows. Now when you think of Catholicism I’m sure you have an Eastern concept of it. While I’m also sure you’re familiar with your region’s own certain derivatives, sects, and occult manifestations of it, Mexico’s Catholic derivative probably has a much bigger and deadlier following….

Also, you cut off heads, and it is scary, but they cut off limbs one-by-one. So, good luck with that.

If you make it through all the fun they have of killing down there in the name of drugs, money, and power. And you make it through the cartel controlled borders, then you still have to make it through Texas. While the rest of the country criticizes Texas for our rough edges that come as a direct result of living in our harsh environment (more on this later), strategically they couldn’t be more proud of our marriage into the union. Especially considering Texans and Texas just happen to be the only thing standing between all those cartels and… the entire middle of the continent.

Let me explain the relationship like this: You know when you and your Armenian cousin Abadi, born of the Babikians, want to try that new farooj place? But you know you’ll have to walk through that Turkish enclave if you want to make it to evening prayer without lashes. So what do you do? You invite your crazy cousin Narek, because he’d just love it if a Turk called him a Domuz (pig) or an pidj (orphan). He practically dares them to every time. Narek’s just been waiting for that moment, and you feel safe with Narek at your side, but you don’t want to hang out with him otherwise, right?

Well Texas is like Narek and the rest of the states are more like you and Abadi. You talk bad about Narek until you need to employ his brutishness. Also, you better hope he’s hungry for farooj. Because unlike Texas borders Mexico, Narek lives all the way across town and his moped’s been trashed every since he chunked it at a low-flying drone.

P.S.

When Texas wants farooj… Texas gets farooj.

Sincerely,

Texan with a warning

To be continued…