Dear Family,

This year I am thankful to have you as my family rather than a normal American family. I say that because Sarah Palin is fond of talking about her family being a normal American family.

Last time I checked everyone in my family knows where Africa is on a globe. Everyone goes to college after high school. We’ve had no teen pregnancies as of yet and no one has appeared in Playgirl. If the Palins are a normal American family, I guess my bunch of anti-American socialists are fine by me.

But we have our own issues. For instance, some of us are Aggies and others are Longhorns. Which makes for interesting choices for some of you. If a football game is more important than Thanksgiving, then consider this my last will and testament: When I die, it’s all going to charity.

Thanksgiving dinner will be moved to Friday after all of you have returned from your important tailgating party. And now that I have made that little sacrifice, I am sure you will all work extra hard to comply with a few rules.

Cloe. I am begging you honey. None of that Jello crap. No one eats it and the garbage stinks for a week after I throw it out. You and Jello are like Palin and McCain. How many times before you learn no one wants seconds much less firsts. Jennifer. Your children are cute. We all can agree on that. Your husband’s video camera capturing every runny nose and bowel movement– not so much. Keep this up honey and you’ll have one posing for Playgirl before you know it. It’s just not natural to be that comfortable in front of a camera. Ten minutes of video when you first arrive and then the camera goes back into the camera bag. Trudy. If your brother and sister want to come, they can be on time like everyone else. If they are late again this year, they can eat what the dogs don’t finish. Rhonda. It’s my oven and once again I’ll be using it right up until mealtime. If you can’t bring something that doesn’t require heating, then don’t bring anything at all. Mary. Your kid’s dirty shoes and my clean sofa have never met. Let’s keep it that way. If you are a meat-eater, try a vegetable for your health. If you are a vegetarian, try the stuffing for the bacon. Either way, you’ll be cured of what ails you. If I see one grandchild doing that texting stuff, there will be no pie for dessert. If I see one parent checking email… scratch that – new rule. Leave your cell phone in your car. They used to be called mobile phones for a reason. Now-a-days the only thing mobile about your phone is your thumbs. Trust me. Skinny thumbs and a fat ass are not a good look. Jonathan. How a Republican ended up in this family is beyond me, but we love you all the same. That said, Reagan is dead darling. Get over it. I cooked the meal. Your grandfather paid for it. You can clean the kitchen and we’ll call it even. Honestly, if you insist on bringing anything, bring some butter. I go through about 20 sticks to get this meal on the table and I might as well start stocking up for Christmas now. Marshall. I am sure you believe that your children sing beautifully. Don’t put me in a situation where I have to make you question your beliefs. Grandpa Harold says if the Longhorns win, the bar is open. If they lose, the party is BYOB.

Well that about covers it. I’m almost 84. I know what I like and what I don’t like. Humor me and we’ll all have a good time. Unlike Robert Bryd, when I no longer know which side my turkey is basted on, I will step down and let someone else take over the holiday preparation. Until then, come and enjoy the meal and the company.

To all my new friends out there, I say this. Life is short. Don’t squabble over the little things like Jello and Sarah Palin. If we are going to fight, let’s fight about the things that matter like world peace and apple pie.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Harold is doing fine. Thanks for asking. I mean it.