CHICAGO—Saying that he’s always up for having more mucus congesting every part of his respiratory system, local man Michael Harrison told reporters this morning that he was really delighting in the winter season. “I tell you, there is nothing I like better than the feeling of phlegm pouring out of my nose and caking over my raw, exposed nostrils,” said Harrison, who added that struggling to pull air through his mucus-suffused nose and mouth was just one of the many things that made winter his favorite time of the year. “What can I say? I’m a mucus man!” At press time, an utterly delighted Harrison was wiping frozen phlegm off of his nose and lips with the back of his coarse winter glove.

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