How not to enjoy sex, brought to you by your friends at the Vatican. Sex has been a topic du jour for the clergy since the clergy became clergy. Like many rules of institutionalized religion, the do nots seem to outnumber the dos. Do not have sex with your neighbor's wife. Do not have sex until you are married. Do not watch porn on the internet. Very rarely in religious doctrine does it say, tho shalt have a blowjob or do unto her as she just did for you. The discovery of long lost manuscripts, dating back almost 600 years, shed light on another important do not. Do not enjoy sex was a common theme throughout much of the history of the Vatican. There are many thousands of positions in which sex cannot be enjoyed. There are hundreds more in which sex cannot even be attempted. Here are just a few of the most popular, originally published as "The Vatican Sex Manual" by Monsignor E.D. Gray, S.J., M.A., in The Rutland Dirty Weekend Book. By using these variations, you and your partner will be unable to have sex in a variety of ways, which will add spice and zest to your abstinence. Based on the old manuscripts found in the cavernous labyrinth beneath the Vatican, these variations are equally unuseful for unmarried couples, who may try them without fear of pregnancy, pleasure, or confession.

All On Your Own

The classic position for avoiding sex. There are two main variations, All On Your Own With Your Trousers Off, and All On Your Own With The Television On. The latter is far safer. Try and avoid thinking, and there should be nothing stimulating to your hand (particularly your hand).

A Lot of Clothing

The lady puts on a lot of clothing, and so does the gentleman. With her left hand, the lady grasps the right hand of the gentleman and holds it for about four minutes. She then lets go. This can be repeated with the other hand after 20 minutes and a cigarette.

This is a good position, particularly for beginners or people who live in cold climates, but beware; While it is extremely difficult to have sex with a lot of clothing on, it is not impossible. Erotic and fetishistic clothing must be avoided (particularly leather wear, rubber wear, nun's habits, etc.) and putting on each other’s clothing is right out.

Separate Beds

This is a more difficult position for the advanced couple. It is very difficult to avoid sex in the bed, either accidentally, or while half-asleep. For this reason, single beds were invented. The lady gets into her bed, and the gentleman gets into his. They then remain there. The effectiveness of this position is further enhanced if they wear old pajamas. The lighting should be bright and flat, and some military brass band music (or a Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent album) will help to create that anti-sexual atmosphere.

The Missionary Position

An even more difficult problem is to avoid sex when you are both naked in the bedroom. For many years, the most popular method was the Missionary Position, where the couple slept with a Missionary between them. This didn't always work, although it always worked for the Missionary. However, nowadays the single bed has replaced the Missionary. Remember to try and keep the bed between you and to pray hard. If you are young and active, this position may have to be repeated several times.

Finger-Fun

You can have a lot of fun with your fingers, so do be extremely careful when you are naked with a friend. There are only certain areas which may be touched without fear of pleasure. This is one of them. The finger should be held fully erect (and nothing else).

Aural Sex

This position is often called "giving head." The gentleman puts his head on the lady's Safe Zone* and listens hard for any sign of passion (grunting, heavy breathing, giggles, etc.). If he hears any he must stop immediately.

*The Safe Zone is the only area of the body which is not particularly erogenous (apart from the elbows) and extends from about 2" above the point of the buttocks, to just below the shoulder blades.

The Congress of the Ant

This is often called the Congress of New Zealand. Nobody quite knows why. The gentleman rests his forehead on the lady's Safe Zone. His hands are now free to grip her calves. This is much less fun than it looks.

The Congress of Vienna

Complicated. You get together with about 700 Ambassadors and try to end the Napoleonic Wars. This is a very useful position for avoiding group sex. It is often found in conjunction with the Diet of Worms. (If you eat only worms you won’t feel very sexy.)

The Trades Union Congress

The gentleman's foot is placed firmly on the lady's Safe Zone, and may be left there for up to seven minutes or until cramp sets in. The lady may then place her foot on the gentleman's Safe Zone. To avoid any accidental arousal, it is best to turn the heads away. Note: There should be no attempt to kick your partner.

The Fred Astaire

Otherwise known as "dancing cheek to cheek." The lady and gentleman turn their backs on each other and crouch, bend, or squat until their buttocks adjoin. They then stop and wait. Some couples can remain crouching, bending, or squatting with their buttocks adjoining for up to an hour and still claim to be thoroughly dissatisfied. However, two or three minutes like this is quite enough for most people.

Foot Fetishism

As this is a frank and comprehensive guide, it is regrettable but we must also deal with what are normally considered perverted ways in which sex is impossible. Many of these involve the foot. The sex life of the foot has been fully documented by William A. Rossi (podiatrist and editor of footwear periodicals) in his comprehensive history of podoeroticism The Sex Life of the Foot and Shoe. "The foot," he says, "is a vital member of the erogenous family, and the shoe is its sensual partner."

For this reason all shoes must be avoided (particularly slippers which can be used for Slippering). The gentleman lies on his face and the lady sits on his Safe Zone. Now she may very quickly just touch his foot, but she must withdraw immediately. This is about the safest position in which the foot may be used without risking some form of pedic pleasure.

Ninety-Six

Often called "Oral Sex," since all you can do is talk. The lady goes down over the gentleman's shoulder as he grasps her firmly by the ankles. It may also be used standing up or lying down, but in every position it remains thoroughly unsatisfactory.

Number Ninety-Six is very popular in Australia ("Down Under").

The Papal Bull

A beautiful position. One of the classics, easily perfected and perfectly safe. The gentleman puts the top of his head on the lady's Safe Zone and arches his back. He may grip her knees for added support. There is very little risk of pregnancy in this position. In fact, there is very little risk of anything.

The Chair

The modern couple, freed from embarrassing restraints, will use all sorts of equipment in the pursuit of chastity. Here, a chair has been cunningly interposed to prevent intercourse. Many other things may be inserted between the couple (but only between) to prolong the avoidance of pleasure, for example: lengths of garden hose, Lytton Strachey, old copies of the Radio Times, AA books, complete sets of encyclopedias, Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent albums, vegetables (though be careful), armchairs, and even sex manuals.

Own the beautiful print version of "The Vatican Sex Manual" and other pieces by Eric Idle with The Rutland Dirty Weekend Book. The book brings you British humor at its best, with an eclectic combination of pieces accompanied by drawings, photography, and cartoons.