I’ve been having a very small problem lately, and I find it to be pretty funny. I have no idea what to call my vagina in the bedroom in order to be “sexy.” I find the two most commonly used words, “pussy,” and “cunt” to be slightly offensive.

“Pussy,” to me, is about as sexy as a moist toilette. That is the vibe that it gives me. Moist Toilette. I make a face when I hear “moist toilette.” To say the least, I find “pussy” to be gross. I also don’t like the negative connotations it has. When you call someone a “pussy,” they are are “scaredy cat.” I am a multiple time rape victim and sexual assault survivor. My vagina is no pussy. My vagina is strong and it heals.

The other thing that comes up in my mind now, unfortunately, is Trump. “Grab ‘em by the pussy.” Yeah, no… I don’t want anybody to grab me by the pussy. The whole ‘pussy hat’ thing is a “fuck you” to Trump. And I am all for that. But if I am going to wear a vulva hat to fight back against the patriarchy, I would like it to look like an actual vulva, not pink, lumpy cat ears. A pussy hat is a pussy hat, and it can be empowering, but “pussy” is not something that I could call my own body part.

And as for cunt? I am totally supportive of women who want to reclaim that word. I rarely use it myself. I only say “cunt” when I am extremely angry. I have a condition called Vulvodynia and it causes a lot of pain and discomfort during sexual intercourse. So, I am extremely disappointed and hurt that I have this condition, and using such an angry word like “cunt” will not be beneficial. I do not want to hate my vagina and vulva for causing me this much pain. Using “cunt” in a sexy way to talk about my body is just not going to happen.

My unofficial boyfriend has used “pussy” in bed with me and I was okay with that. It felt mild. But I myself say “vagina” in bed with him when we are being intimate. The Vulvodynia gets in the way of the sex at times, and makes it difficult, so I literally say things out loud like “come on vagina, you can do this.” I need to verbally encourage my vagina, because I want to have sex even though it hurts. I’ve been opening up to him about this condition and he doesn’t want to hurt me- but I still want to have sex. I know that there will times when I won’t be able to have sex because of the pain, and that is disappointing to me, but he is being very understanding. As for talking about my body during sex, I don’t know what else to call it. I am personally uncomfortable with the other two options. So for now, I will call it my vagina, even if others may find it to be un-sexy.