Jesus, people! What the HELL?!!!

Do you realize how difficult it is going to be for me to retain any sort of objectivity on this one? Maybe it’s all the hormones in the meat we eat and the mind-controlling fluoride in the water, but the people who are willing to entertain Charlie Sheen’s opinion on ANYTHING are missing a lobe and a half of gelatinous mind milk.

This is MY opinion, as are all of these crazy columns I write. Like I have said before, I sometimes even make up my opinion, change it (I like short chicks today. I met a cool one that was nice to me this very weekend.), and mush it around to try and make it entertaining. I am trying to keep my composure, I really am. 1...2…3…4…5…6… Serenity Prayer… Lord’s Prayer... Lorazepam…

Ok, what do we know about Charlie Sheen?

He is theson of Martin Sheen, an actor who played a left-wing president in a thinly-veiled liberal love fest called “The West Wing”. (Gossamer thin, folks.) His brother, Emilio Estevez, also and actor, played a lovesick kid from Georgetown, a section of Washington, D.C., in the 1980’s bratpackstravaganza, “St. Elmo’s Fire”.

That’s what gives him the authority to comment, authoritatively, on 9/11! Now I get it! He has had Washington connections for YEARS!He jumps to his cock-eyed conclusions based on a lineage of Kennedyesque political leadership, consuming Photo-shopped non-evidence faster than his ex-wife could click her divorce-paper-signing pen when she couldn’t take his logic leaps anymore. It wasn’t anyalleged whoring and coking that cracked her composure, it was his incessant jumping on her head trying to stuff it with poop.

Is he the “Half” in “Two and a Half Men”? Does he raise his hand like Horshack in “Welcome Back Kotter” when he raises one of his amazing questions that a third grader with Stockholm Syndrome could have thought up after thirty hours straight of reprogramming “therapy”? He successfully raises the hair on the back of my neck, yes he does. Every single one.

Someone had the balls to send me an email of the Alex Jones (I am shuddering violently at the sight of that name) interview of Charlie Sheen. This guy makes money off your gullibility, folks. He laughs at you while he sits on his golden toilet, flushing your trust down with the money rolls he uses for toilet paper.In this economy!

I believe that if you believe what Charlie believes then you WANT to believe the conspiracy theories. You WANT President Bush to have knocked down those towers because he looks like the snotty frat boy who tried to feel you up in the locker room and said that it doesn’t make him gay. Well, Bush may look like that guy, but he’s not that gay. (That guy’s name is Tim and he is that gay.)

Bush wasn’t even Bush. You’ll never know who the real Bush was. He may have cloned himself and spent his whole presidency in Costa Rica sipping some green-apple Pucker concoction while his other self sat for portraits and kissed babies. If you hate THAT guy, then you have missed the poetry ofGeorge W. Bush, the most liberal republican that a Hollywood demo could ask for. (Look it up.) He also KEPT US FROM GETTING ATTACKED AGAIN…and not because he supposedly did it in the first place. In fact, if he did it once and it was so fun for him, why the hell didn’t he do it again?

Before I make myself bulimic because of the poison that I have had to witness in order to write this piece, I have a list of questions for Charlie Sheen concerning this vomitous, tragic, mental fisting that he calls an opinion:

1. What took your ass so long to make this idiotic leap of logic and come public with it? It’s been EIGHT YEARS! Does it take you that long to form a thought?

2. How do you know so much? Were you in on it? I want to investigate YOU since you know so much. In fact, I think you are hiding more than you are saying. You’d have to be, since what you are actually saying amounts to a hill of turds.

3. Have you seen the look in your eyes when you talk about this stuff? I think you ate the other half of that man in your show with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

4. What would make you think that YOU, a movie actor, have the life experience and studying capabilities to back up such lofty allegations?

5. Why do you think it is alright to abuse your misplaced power to scare people into believing unproven crap like this? Did you ever consider the kid who might be a fan of your show that sees you spouting this pollution, you contributor to global warming, and cry himself to sleep because he thinks his own president killed thousands of people on his own soil? I’m serious about this one. No speculation here. You should be ashamed, the way any evangelist who spouts fire and brimstone around children should. You have done damage. Not too hard to imagine that one.



Here’s what I think happened on 9/11: People died in a horrible event organized by people who hate the American way of life.

That includes you, Charlie Sheen.