Two words: Space Voldemort.

That's the alternate name for Darth Vader hit upon by Oakland writer Sarah Gailey, who on the day after Christmas admitted a shocking revelation to the world: she'd never seen a Star Wars movie.

Armed with her mothers' DVDs of the original trilogy, Gailey decided to live-tweet her interpretation of what she was about to see. The unfiltered response yielded more hilarity than ... well, than you can imagine.

Gailey quickly decided that Vader, a.k.a. Space Voldemort, was by far the coolest character in the movie, and certainly the possessor of the coolest cape. James Earl Jones' voice was all it took to turn her to the Dark Side.

The good guys? With the exception of Leia, they seemed more like a bunch of whiny space criminals.

Read on for the full Storify of the experience, from the "dope-ass white robot soldiers" on the Rebel blockade runner all the way through to the "murder bear"-filled finale of Return of the Jedi. You'll never see a star war the same way again.

Take a deep breath, because here comes Empire:

And finally, Return of the Jedi: