A transcript from a recent court hearing in Georgia contains several of the most surreal courtroom exchanges in recent memory, with a murder suspect threatening to kill the judge’s family while the judge responds telling the suspect to publicly masturbate.

The transcript, which was posted anonymously on Imgur Tuesday, begins with a rather mundane though grisly topic. Denver Allen was charged with murder for the beating death of a fellow inmate at Floyd County Jail. In his June 17 hearing, he seeks to have his court-appointed defense attorney fired and replaced with a different one.

The situation at the hearing, though, quickly deteriorates into a full-blown theater of the absurd. To start, Allen tells Floyd County Superior Court Judge Bryant Durham that he needs a new public defender because his current one insists on being allowed to perform oral sex on him.

“He’s misrepresenting my case,” Allen says in the transcript. “He told me if I wanted him to do a good job, I had to let him give me oral sex.” Allen further claims that his defender conspired with doctors so he would receive a false diagnosis of mental illness, and he accuses him of concealing evidence from his own murder case.

A skeptical Durham informs Allen that he doesn’t have the right to fire his public defender and receive a new one, and he warns Allen that trying to represent himself in a murder trial would likely end badly.

Allen then responds by declaring he will put himself in contempt of court, and tells Durham “Go fuck yourself,” leading to the following exchange:

Durham: I’m finding you in contempt of court. Allen: I don’t care. Durham: I know you don’t. And I sentence you to twenty days for that. And if you say anything else, I’m going to add twenty days for everything you say. Allen: Fuck you. Durham: Forty days. Allen: Fuck you again. Durham: Sixty Allen: Go fuck yourself. Durham: A year. Allen: Your mamma. Durham: Ten years. Allen: Suck my dick.

Allen’s truculence leads into an extended argument about Allen’s manhood and whether its advantageous use would improve his chances in his murder trial.

“You reckon if I let you suck my dick that I could get a fair trial here?” Allen says.

“I don’t think that’s going to get you a fair trial unless you have every one of the jurors do it,” Durham replies.

Allen then boasts of the power of his “big old donkey dick,” leading to another testy exchange.

Durham: You prefer men, right? Allen: I fuck white-white boys. Durham: You-oh, oh, white or black? Allen: White boys. Durham: Oh. Butt boys? Allen: With big butts. Durham: Oh, of course. You know, you look like a queer. Allen: Well, okay. So now you’re calling me a queer in the courtroom. Durham: I didn’t call you one. I said you looked like one.

Allen then requests a “court order to get my dick sucked,” which Durham does not address.

“I’ll bet everybody enjoys sucking your cock,” Durham says instead, setting off a lengthy and testing exchange during which Durham also informs Allen he has “a constitutional right to be a dumbass.”

[dcquiz] Allen then abruptly changes tack, announcing that he will butcher Durham’s entire family.

“How about this?” he says. “I’ll kill your whole family. When I get in this trial, I will murder your whole family. I’ll cut your children up into pieces. I’ll knock their brains out with a fucking hammer and feed them to you … I will murder you, your whole family, your kids. I’m not supposed to be in jail. I was framed.”

Allen then abruptly veers back into sexual topics, once again boasting about his formidable penis. The hearing then reaches its zenith, with Durham bluntly ordering Allen to masturbate in court:

Allen: I’ll make sure the next time I come to court- Durham: I- Allen: I’ll pull it out and jack on you. Durham: Okay. Why don’t you do that right now? Allen: I jack on white boys- Durham: Why don’t you do it right now? Allen: -just like I jack on females. Durham: Do it now. Allen: I can’t do it now. Durham: Do it now. Allen: I ain’t got-I ain’t got but- Durham: I don’t care. Allen: Take off the cuffs Durham: How many hands do you have to have to do it? Allen: Take off the cuffs Durham: Come on-no. Jack off. Allen: This is kangaroo court. Durham: Come on. Jack off. Allen: This is-this is a kangaroo court. Durham: Jack off right now.

Allen then returns to threatening Durham’s family, and is finally taken from the courtroom while declaring “I’m subpoenaing y’all’s ass in the courtroom.”

The transcript ends with a certification by court reporter Fay Frankland that its contents are a true, complete, and correct transcript of the whole hearing’s proceedings.

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