With the run-up to Christmas 2018 looking like it will be the busiest few months of the year for online shopping, members of the public have launched ‘Sorry I Am In’ cards so that the postman has to actually go to the effort of delivering your fucking parcel.

The scheme was dreamed up by Essex man David Jones, and he said, ‘This revolutionary A5-sized piece of card can be proudly displayed on your front door to let your postal worker know that you are at home and in a position to take in whatever you have ordered.’

‘For many people, this is usually more convenient than having to take a trip to a sorting office ten miles away where you have to stand in a queue with twenty other poor fuckers who were also at home when the doorbell rang.’

‘This will also make life far easier for postal workers as it will eliminate the need to knock or ring before launching into a full Linford Christie three seconds later because they couldn’t possibly be at home.’

‘After all, the average householder is always in a position to drop everything and Bruce Lee ninja jump down to the front door.’

In other news, Royal Mail has revealed that more than £500m has been spent on new technology that can instantly detect if a letter has exceeded the ‘Large Letter’ boundary by one millionth of a centimetre.

A spokesperson said, ‘More than 20,000 postal workers die needlessly every year when letters are incorrectly stamped and should be paid for as ‘Large Letters.’

‘Along with murder and drink driving, trying to avoid the full Large Letter fee is one of the worst crimes that can be committed by society.’