After my little sheep and piggy encounter, it fully dawned on me that this game, in fact, does not fuck around. Once the god damn wild life had set the foreseeable world on fire, I had to go for a little chat with the server owner. Don’t get me wrong, all the users on the server are friends with each other, but we were all brand new to Minecraft (especially me) and wanted to make sure that the server remained stable and that we all enjoyed ourselves. The Owner went over a few points with me, explaining that leaves were bugged and wouldn’t fall in multiplayer, that the passive mobs were unable to hold grudges,* and that (he emphasized this one) passive mobs cannot be set on fire to the extent of burning the known world. I accepted his terms (“Bin, don’t burn any more shit”) and went on with my burning grudge against the mobs.

So, they want to fight dirty? I’ll give them dirty…



First of all, the default skin was highly inappropriate for war. Too passive, too happy and too… not-kickass. I’d be damned if I was going to make my own custom skin, so I typed custom Minecraft skin fucking awesome into Google.** I’m not going to lie, I got the very first skin I saw; a Creeper with half the head replaced with a block of dynamite. Not only was it kickass and fucking awesome (thank you Google) but it meant I could move amongst them, completely hidden and strike when it would be particularly devastating. Kind of like the rhino scene in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls only less disturbing and with more explosions. With my avatar now donned in war paint/the skin of the enemy, I was ready to bring on the second part of my plan, simply titled “Bring pain.”

Admittedly, my first plan was as brilliant as it was implausible; rig Rape Island with explosives and blow them all to hell. This awesome plan came with a couple of problems, namely that I had zero dynamite and no one on the server trusted anyone with dynamite. You see, there was something amiss on the server. Someone had been going around various houses and stealing supplies. Not like cobblestone,† but things like sand, glass, diamond, all the important stuff. The main problem, however, was that someone went over to Shadow Moses Island and blew up an awesome lava feature covering the whole thing in firey depth. With my past (incorrect) record of pyromania, I was a prime suspect and not eligible for dynamite.

Luckily, thanks to the mobs on Rape Island, my stuff had remained untouched. My second, more plausible plan was to build a mob trap which, along with killing all the mobs lured into it, comes with the bonus of keeping stuff mobs drop. In theory, I could lure a shit load of creepers into the trap, collect the gun powder and make my own dynamite to blow the place to hell. Ironically, this plan involved a fair bit of cobblestone that I didn’t have so I got to mining.

After a good few minutes of mining, I made a shocking discovery. Some asshole had been tunneling down into my mine from another island to gain entry to my base. There were legends of The Ol’ Tabby mines where a user had mined pretty much everywhere, but I was far away from any of his settlements.

I wasn’t going to settle for this. This was on purpose. This was sabotage. This was my island and I’ll be damned if anyone tunnels into it. After a few minutes of running around (this tunnel network was huge, clearly the work of an evil genius) I finally found his base and supply room and, joy of joys, he was there AFK. I drew my sword, ready for battle and my foe turned to face me.

“Bin, what the fuck are you doing in my base with a Creeper skin?”

“Oh, hi Server Owner, I can explain everything.”

“Did you lay down blocks of dynamite down here?”

“I can explain everything.“





*I later learned this was a lie when I saw a piggy jump off a hill to land in a minecart just before my friend went through a booster. They’re calculating little shits who never need to sleep.

**It works like a net of a square but it’s a person and easy to fuck up; I’m not going to waste time doing that when I should be wasting time Minecrafting.

†I really wish there was more you could do with cobblestone, you always end up with two-hundred stacks of the stuff and you can’t do much with it.