Fans of managers who go out of their way to say absolutely nothing of any interest in public will be delighted to hear that Manchester City have decided to stick with Manuel Pellegrini, who will celebrate his reprieve by mumbling a bit, yawning, looking for the nearest exit and pretending to fall asleep. Then he’ll sign Paul Pogba from Juventus, Wolfsburg’s Kevin de Bruyne and Liverpool’s rapscallion, Raheem Sterling.

Meanwhile City are going to give Edin Dzeko the old heave ho, assuming someone stumps up £25m for him. Juventus and Milan have been sniffing around the Bosnian striker – although not in a depraved way, the Mill hastens to add.

Manchester United are resigned to losing David de Gea to Real Madrid, but they hope to get Karim Benzema in return. Benzema has always dreamt of running on to knockdowns from Marouane Fellaini. United also want Valencia’s Nicolás Otamendi, theirs for £35m.

Also on his way out of the Bernabéu is 2010’s Iker Casillas, who could be heading to Arsenal if they cannot strike a deal with Chelsea for Petr Cech. Wojciech Szczesny and David Ospina could learn a lot from Casillas’s butterfingers keeping.

James McCarthy has had enough of Everton after two years at Goodison Park. He’s told them he wants out. His head has been turned by the bright lights of, er, Tottenham, who are also closing in on Burnley’s Kieran Trippier. You can never have too many right-backs.

Glen Johnson is going to show Turkey how to defend once he signs for Besiktas on a free.

Newcastle United accused by reporters over Steve McClaren interviews Read more

As one of Big Mike FC’s preferred media partners, the Mill can report that Steve McClaren wants to make Charlie Austin his first signing up at the most wonderful, open, mature and friendly football club in the world. Mike Ashley, what a guy, what a hero, what a philanthropist, what a handsome fellow, what a charming man, the best, the greatest, the most fantastic football club owner who ever did live.

It’s not quite worked out for Yohan Cabaye at Paris Saint-Germain. Crystal Palace and West Ham are after him now, although he should be aware that there’s also a vacancy in the Mill’s crack team of gag merchants.