HELP WANTED:

AMAZING JOB OPPORTUNITY to join an established professional basketball organization, the New York Knickerbockers, in the entry position of president and director of basketball operations.

We are a very profitable franchise in the National Basketball Association with a proud tradition that includes zero titles in 44 years, one playoff series victory in the last 17 years and four consecutive losing seasons. The Knickerbockers are headquartered at Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena, until the city finally decides to do something about Penn Station.

The successful candidate will be given the responsibility to hire a new coach whenever he sees fit and then to fire that coach after a series of early setbacks. An extended period of bad blood should precede the dismissal.

Excellent chance for promotion to the position of former president and director of operations.

Qualifications and assets we are seeking in a successful candidate include:

Celebrity status. This is mandatory. Name must be recognized and initially applauded by all corporate season-ticket holders, until it is inevitably reviled by an entire city. Talk-show hosts must get very excited and begin fresh cycle of hope-to-despair.