Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

By Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

Drinking seltzer -- and doing it by choice -- is not something I ever thought I'd be doing. But thanks to Polar Seltzer having more flavors that my feeble little mind can usually process on a given day, my eyes have been opened.

Sometimes, you don't even need a beer or a soda. You just want something bubbly. If you can get it without the sugar or calories of the other two options, you could go for it.

But with the decision to go with seltzer comes another paralyzing dilemma facing you in the grocery store aisle: Which flavor do you get?

How can one soul possible choose between the dozens of varieties that are available at a given time? And what about the seasonal flavors -- or the Impossibly Good line?

In a quest to sort through this carbonated conundrum, I've tracked down every flavor of Polar Seltzer that's been on the market in the past year and tried them all.

Here are all 36 flavors I could find, ranked worst to best.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

36. Blueberry Lemonade

Not much lemonade, a little blueberry, a lot of meh. Not quite repugnant, but not quite interesting.

At first, I thought this would be a fun combination, but the two varying flavors in here wound up canceling each other out and making an overall muted bottle of bubbles.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

35. Mango Cherry Bliss (Summer Seasonal)

I'm getting some of the mango. Maybe a little bit of the cherry on the aftertaste. It just tastes like generic tropical flavors

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

34. Vanilla

I really thought I was going to like this one a lot more than I did. There's a sort of vanilla taste in there, but mostly exists as this wobbly aftertaste that lingers for a bit. It's near-vanilla is flavor and almost seems smoky at times. There's definitely something here, but it's not agreeing with my tongue. It's more confusing than tasty.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

33. Seltzer

I didn't know what to call this. I could've gone with "plain" but I'm just going to stick with "seltzer-flavored" -- because that's what sounds right in my heart.

It's a nice, clean rush of bubbliness that's actually a refreshing way to break up all the flavored seltzers I've been trying. I don't know how much I'd like this if I wasn't in the midst of a seltzer binge, but I feel pretty good about it now. I'd never actually had a plain seltzer before. I ended up liking it more than I thought I would.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

32. Hibiscus Cloudberry (Winter Seasonal)

This one goes right about Seltzer-flavored because it carries a pretty blank flavor overall. It’s almost unflavored. It tastes fizzy and plain on the outset but has some herbaceousness on the backend.

It’s like normal seltzer, but with a cloudier aftertaste.

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31. Minotaur Mayhem (Impossibly Good)

Not only does this beverage get you marked for ruin by a mythical creature, it's not even that exciting of a flavor. I haven't managed to pinpoint the exact flavor they were going for here. But overall, it's pretty restrained. To me, it tasted a lot like a gin and tonic -- with maybe little tones of grape here and there.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

30. Lime

I remember this having more lime flavor. Heck, I remember this having something. Instead, it's a vaguely citrus-y tilt into a direction of flavor. It's not bad. But it's not particularly good. This is pretty neutral.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

29. Strawberry Honeydew (Summer Seasonal)

I like the strawberry part of this, which comes out when you first sip for a glowing wave of lightly tart fruit. It really makes me want a straight-up strawberry flavor.

The problem is the aftertaste, which gets dragged down a bit by the honeydew. The nice flavor from the outset gets cut off by the cloudy melon flavor on the back end.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

28. Ruby Red Grapefruit

It's got that weird sort of citrus that's almost sort of like orange, but worse -- and maybe tart.

What's up with grapefruits anyway? They're a weird fruit.

Still, this seltzer has kind of a refreshing citrusy vibe. It's OK.

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27 Mermaid Songs (Impossibly Good)

This one's tricky to put a pin on. It tastes a little blank at times. But at others, there's a soft, familiar flavor that's almost sweet. The closest description I could come to is that is sort of tastes like a foamy sea spray mixed with orange Starburst.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

26. Raspberry Lime

This combination sounds good, because both these flavors are usually independently good. But they sort of cancel each other out to make something that's generally pretty OK.

The combination like a band with two bassists and no guitar. It's fine in all dimensions, but blending the two doesn't make them any better.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

25. Triple Berry

This seltzer feels like the equivilant of going up to a soda fountain and mixing every flavor together. You've got a good but of the blueberry coming through for a sufficiently mellow flavor. There's some pomegranate in there too that's a little lost in the shuffle.

According to the label, the third berry is acai -- because I'm sure the people of New England were clamoring outside Polar HQ for acai to be including as a flavor.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

24. Raspberry Rosé (Winter Seasonal)

While there’s no pure “raspberry” flavor out on the market right now, this comes pretty close to hitting that one berry fruit note right on the nose. It’s light and a little tart with a little herbaceousness on the back end. You can taste some plumes of hibiscus in there.

Side note

: I assume the idea was the say the name of this seltzer like Prince sings the chorus in

because that's exactly what I do every time I think of this flavor.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

23. Cranberry Cider (Winter Seasonal)

This flavor has so much going on. It's got a little sweetness from the apple, a little tartness from the cranberry and then finally a sort of buzz at the end representing the cider. It almost tastes hot -- spicy hot. It does a great job of replicating the sensation of a hot cider in a cold beverage.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

22. Vanilla Zen

This one is similar to the normal vanilla, but doesn't feel as heavy with the odd aftertaste. Whatever magic they performed with the flavorings this time has done wonders for this flavor. It's still a little clunky flavor-wise, but elevates into the "good seltzer" tier.

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21. Yeti Mischief (Impossibly Good)

Yeti Mischief definitely has some lemon-lime vibes, like a Sprite without the usual sweetness. If I'm going to stick with the alpine vibes set by the can, I'd say it's like blindly skiing down a citrus mountain, through a forest of lemon and lime trees as the branches faintly lick past you and vanish before the sweetness can set in.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

20. Strawberry Watermelon

This tastes like watermelon water, which is actually a pretty good thing. Is there a little strawberry in there? Sure, if you sift through the flavor playing on your tongue you can get a little bit of that floral, fresh strawberry aspect in there.

If anything, this makes me wonder what straight up strawberry or watermelon seltzer would taste like.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

19. Pomegranate

This one has a little bit more sass, a little bit more kick on the flavor when compared to its seltzer brethren. It lies a little heavier on the tongue, giving you a nice drag of pomegranate on the sip. It's a good buzz of flavor, one strong fruity note.

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18. Be Mine (Valentine's Day Edition)

This is one of the rare seltzers you can smell after you pour, which is a fun introduction to a sweet, lively flavor.

The flavors are listed as passion fruit and peach -- but you mostly only get the passion fruit flavor. Overall, it takes like a vague, bubbly tropical drink.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

17. Cranberry Clementine

You get a nice bright, citrus-y spray of flavor upon the first sip that finishes with a nice clean overall flavor. There's not a ton of cranberry in here. It's mabe got a little tartness in there as an undertone

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

16. Blackberry Clementine (Winter Seasonal)

This one is similar to the last Clementine combo, but pulls it off a little bit better. The dark berry flavor is nice and pleasant up front. Then you get a nice glow from the clementine on the back end. It’s pleasant and drinkable.

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15. Pixie Lights (Impossibly Good)

Like trying to chase around hundreds of little sprites riding lights (or I guess they would've switched to LEDs in recent years), the flavor of Pixie Lights is hard to pin down. It's bright, floral and lemony. However, I wouldn't go so far as to describe the flavor as "lemon." The flavor is a little bit more dull, maybe closer to the lines of grapefruit. I could be way off, though. For all I know it could be asparagus.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

14. Cherry Pomegranate

The best way I can describe this is to say it kind of tastes like "red." You know, the generic cherry-fruit flavor that's featured in red-colored candies? The only difference is that this comes without the sickly sweet quality and has a drier aspect of the pomegranate cutting through it to create a much cleaner taste.

You know, when I first started this, I didn't know how I was going to write about all these different seltzer flavors. But here I am.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

13. Ginger Lime Mule

This flavor is really cool because it tastes what ginger ale would taste like if you took all the sugary soda flavor and left just the ginger. It's slow to get going, but then the ginger kicks in with the aftertaste, giving you this nice, mellow flavor on the backend.

This flavor used to be a winter seasonal, but will be joining the main lineup after winning Polar's March flavor bracket.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

12. Toasted Coconut

There's no reason this should have actually worked. I kept this one in my refrigerator as long as possible because I was afraid of its potential bubbly horrors.

Full disclosure: I've historically not been a fan of coconut things. But dang, if there was more stuff like this around, I'd probably be a coconut fan. It gives off a noticeable but subtle creamy flavor or coconut, mellow in flavor by brightened by the sparkliness of the seltzer.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

11. Black Cherry

The label says black cherry, but I'm getting just a loose hint of that candied maraschino cherry vibe -- straight from the jar. It's not purely sweet, it just has that glowing sweetness. It's like a shirley temple with zero sweetness.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

10. Unicorn Kisses (Impossibly Good)

This one is sort of the flagship mythical flavor, since it's the one that started up all the buzz before the others joined the lineup. The seltzer itself smells sweeter than it actually is. By the time you taste it, that sweetness you're expecting opens up like a fizzy mist that goes fleeting off in a million directions. It's like an airy whirlpool of bubblegum cotton candy flavors where the actual sweetness takes off at the last moment and prances away.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

9. Georgia Peach

Hell yeah, this is soft and sweet and has a nice mellow hue from the peach. The fizziness lightens it all up and makes something worth taking another sip on.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

8. Pineapple Pomelo

A pomelo is apparently a type of citrus fruit that sort of looks like a grapefruit. That's cool. I learned something today.

Anyway, this has a nice, pineapple pop off the bat. It's got this really nice clean and fresh taste. Pineapple's usually not one of my favorite flavors, but I'm super into this.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

7. Lemon

Out of all the single-fruit variety seltzers, this is the one that really comes with the most pure pop of the flavor it represents. Heck, it's almost sour. It gives you this really nice zing of lemon, just this really lush drag of citrus. It's like the lemon-lime in Sprite broke up and the lime took all the sugar and calories with it.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

6. Blueberry Tangerine (Summer Seasonal)

This one has a surprising about of depth. You don't get the exact flavor of blueberry but you can still pick up the vibe. That dark hue that tints the palate around the edges.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

5. I'd Rather Drink Alone (Valentine's Day Edition)

Perhaps it speaks volumes that I liked this flavor way more than the "Be Mine" edition.

Regardless, this flavor carries a nice, dry flow of dark berry flavor that really translates well into seltzer form.

That makes sense, since the actual flavor combinations is "black-bury and cham-pain," according to the label. The blackberry is the main flavor here and really makes for a good seltzer.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

4. Orange Vanilla

This one really pulls off the orange creamisicle vibe. You don't got precise orange or vanilla. Instead, it goes right for the nice creamy sweetness with hues of orange around the edge

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

3. Nectarine Lemon (Summer Seasonal)

This is one of the most summer-y liquids I've ever tasted. It's light, bubbly and his a bright pop of citrus that shoots off in multiple directions.

It starts off with the nectarine, giving you a familiar orange-like tinge at first. Then it opens up with a tremendously clean finish with the lemon.

This is a great way to pair up citrus flavors that complement each other well.

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2. Dragon Whispers (Impossibly Good)

Even with the new flavors mixing things up, Dragon Whispers is still my favorite of the Impossibly Good seltzers.

It's bright and refreshing with an airy rush. It's kind of like sticking your head out the window on Christmas Day with ambient sweetness lingering in the cold air. My first impression was that I tasted a little grape. But I think that's because the dragon on the can is purple. Still, I think there's some sort of berry vibe going on in there.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

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1. Cranberry Lime

I've long had a personal vendetta against cranberries, because I think they're a dumb bog fruit that keeps worming its way in uninvited into baked goods.

But darnit, cranberry, you've done bamboozled me again. As soon as I thought I could hate on you and keep calling you a tart orb of hate, you do this. You make a really good freaking seltzer. It's got a nice splash of bright citrus from the lime that really buoys the deeper berry tones of the cranberry. The lime cuts down on the tartness of the cranberry, resulting in a really refreshing overall seltzer that has a fun flavor that finishes nicely.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

Conclusion

The hard part about ranking a lot of these seltzers is that most of them are good. For example: I rather like lime. But when trying it in comparison to the other flavors, it falls a little flat.

Honestly, there were only a few flavors I disliked, and those are the ones I ranked below normal seltzer. Other than that, none of the top 30 flavors are bad. But in the end, some tough choices had to be made.

But if I'm in the store aisle looking for something to pop in my fridge, I'm usually going to go for the two-liter bottle of Cranberry Lime or one-liter of Orange Vanilla. If I'm feeling frisky, I'll mix in some Dragon Whispers.

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Nick O'Malley | nomalley@masslive.com

"I ate it so you don't have to" is a regular food column looking at off-beat eats, both good and bad. It runs Thursday at noon-ish.

You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please direct all complaints about where I ranked your favorite flavor to mhanson@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.

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