In 2015, when Angel Lewis and her wife were planning to start a family together, they knew they wanted their future child to be blessed by Lewis’ father in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Lewis’ family served in the church long before she came out as gay — at one point her brother served as a bishop, her mother as a relief society president, and Lewis herself as a member of the Young Women Organization.

Just a few weeks before the couple learned they were pregnant, a leaked church handbook in November 2015 rattled the Lewises and other church members. The handbook, meant for local church leaders, banned the baptisms of children of same-sex couples and labeled LGBTQ Mormons as “apostates” and subject to discipline by excommunication. Members who had been serving for years had their names removed from the record of practicing Mormons.

Earlier this month, church leadership publicly reversed that stance. In an April 4 announcement, church leadership said children of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender parents may be baptized, and same-sex marriage, while still considered a “serious transgression,” was no longer labeled apostasy.

“Instead, the immoral conduct in heterosexual or homosexual relationships will be treated in the same way,” according to the announcement.

The church’s public relations staff denied interviews with local church leadership and referred back to the April 4 announcement.

Even with the policy reversal, some local members of the LGBTQ Mormon community are still wrestling with the damage done.

“Babies of prostitutes, drug dealers, murderers could all be blessed and baptized in the LDS church, but my child could not,” Lewis said. “I felt like up until that point they had taken big steps toward being inclusive in the church — maybe not entirely accepting — but with that release, I felt like they took decades of steps backward.”

THE LEAK

Lewis stepped away from the church at 29 after coming out to her family as gay. The religion always remained a part of her life because of her family. Five years later, she and her wife, who was also raised LDS, started going to services again.

The couple hoped to have family and friends involved in the blessing of their child.

“Even though the church didn’t entirely accept our lifestyle,” Lewis said, “we still felt very much loved by the members of our ward.”

The release of the policy caused many already married same-sex partners to go “into hiding” for fear of being excommunicated, she said. Many LGBTQ members who were still practicing left the church for good — including the Lewises. Most members in the church, she said, were in a state of disbelief — how could any baby be denied a blessing or baptism?

“We from that point on never went back to church again,” Lewis said. “I just had a very hard time feeling that Jesus Christ would ever deny any child or baby the chance to be blessed or baptized based upon their parents’ lifestyle.”

Some LGBTQ members continued attending church.

Laura Root was among the few who continued to attend services even though labeled as an “apostate,” or someone who has turned away from the church’s principles, for marrying a woman. In the year after the 2015 policy was leaked, Root’s life in her church, under a supportive bishop, went unchanged.

A year later, when a new bishop took over her ward, Root said she was excommunicated. She could still attend services but couldn’t be a part of many practices such as taking sacrament, and her name was removed as a member.

Root served, attended church and tithed for 47 years, she said, only to no longer be considered a member in a religion she spent her life practicing.

Mormonism is still the only religion that “speaks her language” — Root calls herself an “excommunicated-believing Mormon.”

“I’m still considered sinful,” she said. “But my relationship with God is more important to me than my relationship with the LDS Church.”

SEARCHING FOR AN APOLOGY

After wrestling with her daughter coming out, Lewis’ mother, Maralyn Lewis, became an active advocate for the LGBTQ community inside the church before her death last year. She became a resource for other parents and families whose children came out, as well.

“She reminded them that nothing had changed and that they were the same wonderful person their son or daughter had always been,” Lewis said.

The day of the policy reversal, Lewis’ nieces texted her, saying her mother must be in heaven fighting for her.

After hearing about the reversal this month, Lewis immediately wanted to have her son and twins — born last December — blessed by her 83-year-old father, but she and her wife were hesitant and chose not to.

“After I thought about it for awhile, it’s a religion that hasn’t moved forward enough to fully embrace or accept our life or our children,” Lewis said. “I’m also very much worried that what if it’s reversed again in 2021 or 2022? Because I never would have seen that coming in 2015. It makes me nervous what the general authorities could do or possibly do in the future.”

Despite this year’s policy reversal, Root said, much of the damage is irreparable.

“The hard part is there hasn’t been any acknowledgement of the pain that was caused,” she said. “The LGBTQ Mormon community would appreciate acknowledgement. It would go a long way. I would love it if leaders would lead by example. They teach Jesus’ teachings that if you hurt someone, you acknowledge it and apologize. Leadership isn’t following its teachings in this area.”

For Lewis and Root, speaking out about their experience is how they let others know they’re not alone.

“I think people perceive homosexual couples as abnormal or look different. We don’t — we are very much a family like everyone else. Two loving parents who adore their children and love having family get-togethers’ with our extended family,” Lewis said in a text message. “I want other LDS youth who may be struggling or possibly thinking of suicide to see they can be happy and have a very normal life.”