Somewhere on the banks of the Trident River

(The Brawn tribe –Khal Drogo, Hodor, The Hound, Brienne, Ygritte, and Yara – lumber in.)

(The Brains tribe – Littlefinger, Tyrion, Varys, Lady Olenna, Daenerys, and Melisandre – stride in.)

(The Beauty tribe – Jaime, Jon Snow, Ser Loras, Cersei, Margaery, and Ros – saunter in.)

PROBST: Welcome to Survivor: Riverlands. As you can see, you’ve been divided into tribes based on the personal attribute that most defines you.

DAENERYS: Dragons?

JON SNOW: Fur coats?

HODOR: Hodor?

PROBST: No, shallower: Brawn, Brains, and Beauty. Each tribe must elect a tribe leader. With great power comes great respons—

(A wide shot reveals two koalas mating over Littlefinger’s shoulder.)

LITTLEFINGER: I’ll do it.

BRIENNE: I swear to protect this team.

JON SNOW: Yeah, okay.

PROBST: Tribe leaders, now you need to identify the weakest member of your tribe in order to create division and dramatic tension within your ranks as quickly as possible.

LITTLEFINGER: I pick Varys. He doesn’t have the balls to compete in challenges.

PROBST: You sure you don’t want the elderly lady in the nun’s habit?

LITTLEFINGER: He literally doesn’t have any balls, Jeff.

VARYS: Alas, it’s true.

BRIENNE: I swore to protect this team. But I’m also bound by my duty to outwit, outplay, and outlast. I’m so confused. But not because I’m a woman!

PROBST: We need a decision.

BRIENNE: I choose Ygritte. She’s wearing a fur snowsuit and it’s 90 degrees out here.

YGRITTE: You know nothing, Brienne of Tarth.

JON SNOW: I pick Ros. She almost took my virginity.

ROS: (proudly) Alas, it’s true.

(Varys, Ygritte, and Ros are whisked away to their tribes’ respective beaches on horseback and given the choice of a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol or an extra bag of rice for their tribe.)

Somewhere next to a giant spider

VARYS: Of course I took the clue. And, look: I found the idol. I grew up genitals-free on the mean streets of the Free Cities. I’m an excellent thief.

(Varys holds up the idol. It’s shaped like a bird. He pets it.)

VARYS: (whisper-talking) Hello, little bird.

Somewhere on a four-poster bed hastily assembled out of leaves and bamboo

ROS: I took the clue, but I couldn’t seduce the idol out of its hiding spot… yet. (beat) Why isn’t the camera pointed at my face?

Somewhere next to an unexplained pile of snow

(Ygritte is shoving uncooked rice in her mouth with both hands.)

YGRITTE: (garbled) I took the rice.

On the Brains beach

DAENERYS: We need a shelter, pronto.

MELISANDRE: I’m a Red Priestess of the Lord of Light. I got this.

(Melisandre mumbles unintelligibly and spins around in a circle three times. Moments later, a rickety lean-to springs forth from between her legs.)

MELISANDRE: Told you.

On the Brawn beach

BRIENNE: You’re a king, aren’t you? I can read people.

DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki

BRIENNE: Don’t lie to me just because I’m a woman. I’m a knight, dammit!

On the Beauty beach

(Most of the Beauty tribe is milling about camp. Bushes rustle in rhythm at the tree line.)

LORAS: Where are Jaime and Cersei? I haven’t seen them since we got here.

Somewhere in a field

PROBST: Time for your first reward challenge. Our budget isn’t what it used to be, so it’s also your first immunity challenge. You’re going to pull a wagon, make Chex Mix, get keys, unlock trunks, recite The Pledge of Allegiance, and put a puzzle together. Survivors ready? Disaster for the Brains tribe!

DAENERYS: We haven’t even started yet.

(The Brains lose horribly.)

On the Brains beach

(In the distance, Melisandre casts a spell that fells several tree limbs. They immediately turn into pogo sticks and bounce off into the woods.)

VARYS: This shelter sucks. Let’s vote out Melisandre. Also, I hate magic.

(Littlefinger sits on a log in the distance, shifting coins from one large pile to another. Two wild dogs are mating at his feet.

OLENNA: Littlefinger doesn’t need the money. My vote’s on him.

TYRION: I can’t. His whores were always very, very kind to me.

DAENERYS: Are we not the Brains tribe? Melisandre’s obviously got to go. Last night she turned our machete into a tennis racket

OLENNA: More like the CRAP for Brains tribe. Am I right, Dany? High five!

(Daenerys looks at Olenna. Silence.)

OLENNA: Crap for Brains? Get it? I’m old, but I’m feisty!

Later That Night at the Brains Tribal Council

PROBST: You guys got smoked out there.

MELISANDRE: Leave my son out of this.

PROBST: Time to vote.

(They vote.)

PROBST: And the first person voted out of Survivor: Riverlands is… Littlefinger.

LITTLEFINGER: Unbelievable.

(Littlefinger brings his torch to Jeff. Two lizards are mating on it.)

PROBST: The tribe has spoken.

(Probst snuffs Littlefinger’s torch. And the lizards.)

PROBST: It’s time for you to go.

Somewhere between the banks of the Trident River and Ponderosa

LITTLEFINGER: I guess I can give up on Catelyn Stark. I mean, who wants to date somebody who doesn’t make the merge?

But wait – it’s not over!

Somewhere next to a giant spider

VARYS: This game is more difficult than I thought. I’m starving, my head’s sunburned, and my tunic’s perpetually damp. And my little bird is absolutely useless. It’s given me literally no information. (to the bird-shaped Hidden Immunity Idol) Is my head on the chopping block, little bird?

(Varys waits for the idol to speak.)

VARYS: Is the Master of Whispers in danger?

(Varys waits again.)

VARYS: See? Nothing!

(Varys throws the idol on the ground.)

On the Brawn beach

(Hodor and The Hound are carrying firewood.)

HODOR: Hodor! Hodor, Hodor!

THE HOUND: I can’t understand anything you’re saying.

YARA: I think he says he knows who you are, and you were one of his favorite jousters.

HODOR: Hodor, Hodor, Hodor!

(Hodor hugs The Hound. The Hound is uncomfortable.)

YARA: He has some of your trading cards.

Later, still on the Brawn beach

(Drogo piles leaves next to the tribe’s shelter. He cups his hand around his ear and presses it to the shelter.)

DROGO: (excited, yet unintelligible Dothraki)

(#StallionShack)

Somewhere on the banks of the Trident River

PROBST: For today’s immunity challenge you’re going to swim out to a bamboo cage, get in the cage, bring four fish traps back to shore, and use the pieces inside to bludgeon each other to death.

(The Hound applauds.)

PROBST: Just kidding. You’re going to solve a puzzle. Survivors ready? Go.

(Yara swims out to the cage, retrieves the Brawn tribe’s puzzle pieces, and lays them in the assembly area before the other competitors finish getting into the river. Brawn finishes the puzzle and wins.)

YARA: We do not sow. We do swim like sailfish, though.

(#GreyjoyToTheWorld)

(Back in the river, each time Melisandre attempts to retrieve a fish trap from underwater she immediately floats back to the surface.)

PROBST: Melisandre, bobbing like a buoy, completely useless!

MELISANDRE: What do you expect? I’m a witch.

(The Brains tribe tows Melisandre to the puzzle platform, pulling ahead of the Beauty tribe and out of third place. Melisandre casts a spell and turns the puzzle pieces into pair of Reebok Pumps. Then a copy of John Tesh: Live at Red Rocks on CD. Then a pile of cotton balls.)

PROBST: Brains, I’ll see you at Tribal Council tonight.

In a pond somewhere near the Brawn beach

(Drogo yanks on something underwater and grunts. He moans and then pulls the Hidden Immunity Idol to the surface.)

DROGO: Jalan atthirari anni!

(#MoonOfMyLife)

On the Brains beach

VARYS: Melisandre, we’re voting for you tonight. This Small Council meeting is adjourned. Good day.

TYRION: I think we should talk about –

VARYS: I said “good day”!

(Melisandre pours the rice in the fire.)

MELISANDRE: (sinisterly) The fire pit is dark and full of grains.

TYRION: Clearly, we’re voting out the witch that just ruined 98% of our food source, right?

OLENNA: More like the BITCH that just ruined 98% of our food source, am I right?

(Olenna holds her hand up four feet over Tyrion’s head.)

OLENNA: Up top! (beat) I’m feisty!

Tribal Council

VARYS: I’m in an alliance. No I’m not. I’m the Master of Whispers. No, I’m not. Led Zeppelin should reunite. No, they should not. Melisandre’s going home. No she’s not. I didn’t say that. Hey, look! Is that a spider?

DAENERYS: The fuh?

PROBST: Time to vote.

(They vote.)

PROBST: And the second person voted out of Survivor: Riverlands is… Varys. Shame you didn’t have an immunity idol or something.

(Varys brings Jeff his torch.)

VARYS: Storms come and go, the big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling.

PROBST: The fuh?

(Probst snuffs Varys’s torch.)

PROBST: This is the oddest tribe I’ve ever seen. And I watched a grown woman in a scout uniform make the finals in Pearl Islands. Tribe’s spoken. Time for you to go.

Somewhere between the banks of the Trident River and Ponderosa

(Varys dramatically rolls his eyes for fifteen seconds straight.)