Luke Davis has an outline to making friends at forty, it starts easily enough.

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For anyone out there who’s been through a major life event such as moving cities, separation or just suddenly find themselves where your closest friends have moved away you can find yourself feeling fairly isolated. Truthfully it’s a horrible place when you realize you are suddenly alone. When you find yourself at this point the answer to your problem is very simple—make new friends. So how do you go about doing this when your 40, have kids, responsibilities and don’t have the same level of time you used to have. I’ll give you a hint; it’s still the same way you did when you were 10.

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Where to find potential friends.

“People” don’t owe you a friendship and they aren’t going to come to your door asking if you need a friend. Put on your shoes and get out of the house.

Friends are “people”; this seems obvious, so quite simply you need to go where “people” are. That means if you’re sitting around your house not doing anything then you aren’t going to find “people” there. Maybe you might get a door knocker or two every now and again but generally you won’t find “people” at your house. “People” don’t owe you a friendship and they aren’t going to come to your door asking if you need a friend. Put on your shoes and get out of the house.

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There are a couple of ways readily available to get out of the house, exercise and hobbies. If you’re not already exercising then it is probably time you started and if you don’t have any hobbies then it is unlikely you will have anything interesting to talk about. Even if you don’t meet new people doing these things then at the very least you’ve put yourself on a self-improvement program.

Exercise can be solitary thing if you choose something like walking, running or swimming but even then there are still people around you. There will be people walking or running the same paths you are, there will be people swimming in the same pool. If you choose a team sport like basketball, baseball, netball and any other of the thousands of other team sports it becomes even easier. You have a readymade set of people to meet on your own team, not to mention during competitions you will have opportunities to meet people before and after the game.

Hobbies are a different kettle of fish. These are groups who share the same interest that you do. Whether you do archery, scuba dive or enjoy astronomy you are guaranteed to find people of a like mind when you join a club or group. Go to the club meetings and socialise. Club meetings are secretly an excuse for members to get out of the house and socialise, if you join a club where this isn’t the case then get out of that club and find another one.

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How to make a friend

There are three very powerful words which are almost certain to start a conversation with all but the most reticent of people.

Not once in my life was I ever unhappy someone said Hi. In fact the reverse is usually true, I usually felt happy someone had taken the time to say hello.

“Hi, I’m [Name]” (A handshake is optional)

That’s it, earth shattering isn’t it. That’s how you did it when you were 10 and nothing has changed since then. If your shy and you worry about what people think, whether they are going to think you’re crazy, intruding or some other such nonsense then stop it. When was the last time you thought that about someone when they came up and introduced themselves? I tried to recall a single instance in my life where I had been unhappy about someone introducing themselves (other than sales people) and I turned up nothing. Not once in my life was I ever unhappy someone said Hi. In fact the reverse is usually true, I usually felt happy someone had taken the time to say hello. If you do ever come across someone who is unhappy that you introduced yourself to them then they are most likely people you don’t want to be friends with.

So you have started a conversation, it’s going well, the other person is interesting and easy to talk to and seems to have complimentary values and interests so what do you do now? If you’re a little shy in this day and age it’s fairly easy, ask them if you can add them to your Facebook friends and continue conversations on Facebook. If you’re a bit more confident then give them your phone number and ask if they are interested in catching up at some point. They may decline but that’s OK. Don’t take it personally, some people have a full quota of friends or they lead busy lifestyles and don’t have the time for more friends. Chances are if you are having a decent conversation they don’t dislike you but they simply aren’t looking for new friends. No amount of wheedling or words will change that; in fact it’s more likely they will resent you for trying to force it.

If you manage to arrange a catch up at a later time then chances are a friendship is in the process of being made, congratulations. If you don’t catch up then keep trying with other people. Friendships will evolve eventually.

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Points to consider.

1. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. A certain level of self-promotion always happens, that’s normal, just keep it to stories that are true and don’t exaggerate your good points too much. If you become friends then who you are will come out eventually and people resent being misled.

2. People don’t owe you a friendship. Friendships have to be built and take time and maintenance and they can’t be forced. If you are trying to force a friendship stop it and move on.

3. You will miss far more then you succeed. This isn’t personal, the other person simply isn’t interested in a new friendship for any large number of reasons and 99% don’t have a single thing to do with you.

Gender

I haven’t mentioned the opposite sex so far because if it is two single people it shouldn’t matter, just sort out in your head whether you are after a friend or a date first. If you want a date then ask for a date. If you or the other person has a partner then you need to take into account the partners involved. Instead of meeting the individual at a pub you invite their (or your) partner to the pub as well. Use your common sense when it comes to this, having their partner (or your own) hate you is a fairly easy way to kill a new friendship in about 3.6 seconds.

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photo credit: City Life Flickr/Richard Taylor