Being an employer in London is tough. Sure, you don’t have to put up with your boss’ shits, but there are a lot more shits you have to consider. Sudden tax inspections, frickin labour unions, shareholder’s demands, the list can go forever. So you really don’t want to piss your own employees and you want them by your side as much as it can. Here are ten simple things you can do to win their respect and loyalty and to slowly turn them into your happy-to-oblige slaves.

Make Them Believe They Can Climb Higher on the Corporate Ladder

If you’re not into the fast-food business, your employers would have dreams and goals. They want to grow bigger. They want to work late nights and on holidays, to be more miserable and responsible for failures as long as they can go home (occasionally) and tell their wives and kids that they are ‘the boss’ of someone else. In other words, they want a career. Make them believe they can achieve it under your wing. For more important positions hire internally. Send them to trainings (free for the company of course). Incept the illusion that someday they can even be in your shoes (like that could ever happen).

Reassure Them Their Voice is Heard

Everyone likes to be important. And the easiest way to make the low-class peasants at the most bottom positions think their actions actually count for something is to listen to their opinion. It’s not important to actually remember it. Heck, you can imagine in your mind who’s the next character from Game of Thrones that is going to be brutally murdered while they explain to you their ‘brilliant’ idea on how to increase the company’s profit by 10%. Just be sure to look like you are listening and accept their viewpoint.

Provide Modern Equipment to Work With

Nobody likes to wait 20 seconds for their computer to open Facebook. Nor do they enjoy the 15-minute ritual to print anything on that Flinstone-old printer. So it’s wise to invest in modern day equipment. Of course there’s this budget thing that doesn’t allow you to spend countless firm money, but I’ve heard by a friend that the latest Mac Book is really fast on opening HD porn. You know, for when you isolate yourself in your personal office for some ‘strategical researches’. So modernize.

Keep a Clean Work Environment

Having a clean work place is a must these days. Society says it’s unacceptable to have living fungus in the office and you must comply with that. So hire some window cleaning company, pay some immigrants to dust and mop the place two-three times a day and you can tick hygiene issues off the list. Just don’t mess with the office cleaning ladies, it can lead to trouble. That’s why you have that hot Latino house-maid in home for.

Make an Office Playground

As much as you want from your slaves, pardon me, employees to work 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, that’s simply not possible. Actually they can’t even concentrate for some lousy 8 hours straight. No matter how completely ‘wrong’ it sounds, having a room where they can relax is beneficial. Some studies say that sitting all day at the desk can raise the chance of having a heart attack and a dead worker is not a good worker. So just put a darts, table tennis or a foosball table in some unused room and be the good God to your employees. Of course monitor it and be sure to sanction those who overuse your kindness.

Develop a Bonus System

Having a bonus when reaching a certain target can boost up workers’ morale and determination. It doesn’t need to be substantial. It doesn’t even have to be cash. You can buy them shop vouchers or a ticket for a home game of Arsenal. Or West Ham, Fulham or Chelsea if they are confused about football. They are Tottenham fans? Screw them, no bonus! Non the less, a bonus is a really good side motivation for your monkeys to do more work than usual and be happy about it.

Set a List of Harsh but Just Rules

Rules are the only thing that keeps civilization whole. The second we take them out we’ll start throwing our excrements at each other. The office ecosystem is the same. There must be a regulation. If someone’s late with more than 10 minutes, make them buy marshmallows for everyone. And stuff like that. Just be reasonable because they might consider revolting. Plus you want to keep them happy so they don’t rat on you for hiding taxable incomes.

Make the Work Schedule Flexible

Some folks are morning persons. They like working from first blush so they can relax in the evening. Others aren’t socially adequate before 1 PM. So just let the peasants have their freedom to shift working hours. If your business type allows it of course. It’s good for them and it’s not bad for you.

Make a Pleasant Work Environment

Having it clean is one thing, but you can pimp up the office space further to please the pesky monkeys. Consider having some room plants or some cheap pieces of art. Occasionally hire some dumb hot bimbo at a useless position to boost the office morale. Just don’t flirt with her, it can easily become a sexual harassment lawsuit. Save it for the Latino house-maid at home.

Make Them Accept Company Goals as Their Own

Nothing can motivate people more than making the matter personal. Convincing your employees that the company goals are their own is top priority. Make them believe they will grab a percentage of the profit the company makes. When you give motivational speeches talk how you all made a great year and how you all made the difference. Keep it to yourself that you made enough for a new yacht and underline how all increased productivity by 15%. Make them feel an important part of the system that is corporate business.

There you have it, ten easy steps to follow to make the servants joyful. Of course I take zero responsibility if any of these tactics backfires. But they won’t. So do it.