The questions seemed to start as soon as my husband and I made our way back down the aisle. Some well-meaning friends and family use the baking analogy: When will there be a little bun in the oven? Others assume my husband and I can't possibly be happy as a duo: When will you start your family? Still more get borderline graphic: Aren't you going to pop one out? And the most brazen of all just go right for it: When are you having kids?

As a childfree woman in my 30s, it's not like I'm one of a kind. According to the U.S. Census, the percentage of adults without children has climbed 19 points since 1967 to 71.3%. In 2015, 61.5% of 25- to 35-year-olds don't have kids living under their roof. Chances are, you know someone who's taken the first two steps in the popular rhyme, "first comes love, then comes marriage." I'm here to implore you not to finish the verse. Because you never know why the subject of your curiosity hasn't converted the office to a nursery, and their reasons for being childfree may be deeply personal.

They could be struggling with infertility

Lots of people haven't filled the house with the pitter patter of tiny feet, but not for lack of trying. According to the latest data by the National Center for Health Statistics, the fertility rate in the U.S. has fallen to 62 births per 1,000 women between the ages of 15 to 44. In addition, up to half of pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to the March of Dimes.

Asking a woman who's struggled to conceive or suffered a pregnancy loss can dredge up intensely painful emotions. Diane Coté, LCSW, provides treatment support for those with infertility, as well as parents on a prenatal and postnatal journey. She emphasizes that infertility has as deep an emotional impact as dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and can take much longer. Many women undergo fertility treatment for five, 10, or even 15 years and fielding questions from well-meaning loved ones just adds another challenge to an already-overwhelming process.

And depending on the person's communication style, you may not even know they're struggling. "People often self-isolate around it because they feel shame or they feel like their bodies are not doing what they should be doing," Coté says. "And so there's this sort of downward spiral emotionally, especially in a protracted situation."

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Even women who have already started a family may have trouble conceiving or carrying to term again. Asking parents when they're going to give little Tommy or Susie a baby brother or sister can hurt just as much.

They may not want kids at all

Of course, many women just don't want to add more people to their household. When I was a kid, I was mystified by the other girls' fascination with mothering their baby dolls. My dolls weren't my children. They were my sidekicks on imagined adventures, and I had much more fun pretending to boss them around than pretend nurturing. I think I always knew I was more destined for middle management than motherhood.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some have two moms and a kid. Others have two dads and six of them. Yet others have neither moms nor dads. That's still a household, according to the U.S. Census. If my family counts in the eyes of the law, it should count in yours, too.

Let women control their own stories

If your loved one has disclosed their fertility struggles, or you suspect they may be having trouble conceiving, let them open the doors of communication first. Too many questions, or the wrong ones, can do more harm than good. "The best thing you can do is educate yourself," Coté explains. She especially recommends organizations like The National Infertility Association and The American Society for Reproductive Medicine as resources.

Some women also may be undecided about family planning or uncomfortable talking about it, period. Having kids isn't just a highly personal decision, it's one that impacts a persons' career, finances, housing, and pretty much every other area of their lives. You wouldn't ask to see your friend's tax returns or why they haven't bought a bigger house, right? Same concept.

When in doubt, mum's the word

Some of you are probably throwing your hands up right now and scoffing, "Well then, what can I say?" In this case, remember the old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Even your kindest reassurances — that a pregnancy will happen if it's meant to, that adoption is an option, that the woman should just relax/eat flax seeds at the right time of the month/go on vacation/start howling at the moon every time Mercury's in retrograde — won't convey the goodwill you intend them to. If your loved one does add to their family's headcount, they'll let you know. Until then, keep even your best-intentioned questions to yourself.

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Lizz Schumer Staff Writer Lizz Schumer is the staff writer for Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, and Prevention, covering pets, culture, lifestyle, books, and entertainment.

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