SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re picturing a modest ceremony, maybe 50 people max, with our friend presiding and some creepy dude in the background grinning every so often as he sips out of a brown paper bag,” said Hargrove, noting that she wanted a photographer who worked mostly in black-and-white and for the best shots to accidentally capture the guy either urinating in a bush or scratching the back of his cargo shorts. “We’ve been to a lot of big, fancy weddings, but that’s not really our style—we just want an intimate gathering in a picturesque outdoor setting made extremely uncomfortable by some random weirdo’s constant presence.” Hargrove added that it was also important for them to have a picnic-style caterer whom the shirtless guy would harass for leftovers.

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