Note: There’s a BIIIIIG New Zealand spoiler in this article’s PS. Beware!

Russell is not unpopular in 2018.

That needs to be said right off the bat. The idea that he is loathed and only a small crowd of fans exist entirely under the oppressive thumb of the vast majority is false. Russell is not only popular with the Facebook page, but the superfans who pretend to know better. I can only think of small pockets of people way too deep into Survivor that do not range from silent reverence to circular apologism to consisting entirely on his pieces of shit. It is one of the most mainstream opinions in Survivor history to think that Russell is a great player.

To that I ask, what makes a great player?

Russell ticks the boxes for what makes an exciting player, sort of like how Survivor goddess Lisa Stanger ticks all the boxes as to what makes a great Survivor experience. He finds idols. He dominates the tribe. He yells at people. He makes #bigmoves. Is it any wonder that Jeff Probst, aka the man fans pretend they don’t emulate, loves him so much?

I mean, he’s preached as the only savior to Survivor, the only reason it has stuck around to fart out far inferior seasons to basically every English speaking overseas season. That makes sense, not necessarily because he’s the only person who would ever do what messianic magic he does, but because he is every bit of all-sizzle-no-steak flash in the pan popcorn entertainment that makes a season interesting, like Samoa or Redemption Island.

So it makes sense that the now CBS-owned Ten in good old Oz (do people call it Oz? Ben halp) would want to start off their season quickly by casting Russell, especially in a season where by definition the dreaded mateship could rear its ugly head. Someone as nakedly, hatefully strategic as Russell could really give it the spark of life that it needed.

As it stands, that may have been what he did, but not because he’s a Godly player, but because he is so egotistical and repulsive that people shipped him out of their presence PDQ.

Russell is certainly a loud player, true. He is certainly good at making a lot of noise. Strangely, though, as a player, in episode one he was strangely passable. While socially he had flaws that later came to light (good job for not knowing Lydia’s name, Survivor super player) he was able to keep his head down, keep his idol secret, shore up allies, and keep all his unbearably egotistical repetitive content in his confessionals.

In Episode One, I actually wondered “has Russell actually changed over time?” It had been seven years since Redemption Island, and about four years since he drunk-cried on RHAP about losing Samoa, defensively asking if he was supposed to “stick my dick in [Kelly Sharbaugh’s] ass” to get her vote like that’s the only way one can. Maybe time had sanded Russell into a more aware player than before. Judging by his braggart self-fellating confessionals, I leaned more towards not, but it didn’t seem like it was an impossibility.

Boy, drown me in clown makeup and call me Boo Boo the Fool, because episode two showed us the truth- nothing had changed. He still had to make his greatness known in public, showing everyone the idol he found because he wanted to intimidate them. After that backfired, he did his best to keep his idol, which he probably would have done had he kept it in his fucking pocket. He did so by spreading all sorts of names out, and in some ways, it worked- in that he got votes on the other names. Still, in part due to Moana already being sick of Russell’s shit five days in, and everyone wanting to remove the idol, he got as many votes as secondary target Jackie, and was voted out in the revote with an idol around his neck.

Normally, when someone is voted out second, they’re believed to have deserved it. You don’t see many Adam Parkin defenders in the Tenosphere, is all I’m saying. However, this is Russell, the universal Survivor symbol of toxic masculinity, a walking “We Live In a Society” meme character, so of course he had defenders with apologies for his many many fuck-ups this season.

Russell was not instantly on the bottom. In fact, it wasn’t until late on that he was considered for the target. Even after he showed the idol, people voted for THREE other people in addition to him. They were willing to let him slide if he played the idol. Before he got his cock out of his pants no one really seemed to have a problem with him. He was sullen, maybe, but he didn’t cause a fuss until he decided he was on the bottom- something only he corroborated. Why do people take Russell’s every word as gospel, if they are not desperate to believe it?

Russell did NOT need things to get this split for him to survive. In fact, he could have stood for things to be less split. If he keeps things on Jackie, odds are he survives. Hell, if he lets some votes stay on Damien, he definitely survives. What has gone underreported is that the two closest things Russell had to allies voted for Shane. One of them in particular seemed really respectful of Russell. If Russell did not have those two people vote for Shane instead of Jackie, he survives. Of course, that goes to his point that if he keeps his idol in his pants and doesn’t overplay, he almost certainly stays. The first vote was going to be decided by challenge performance. Russell was fine.

Above all, Russell was not a victim of mateship and no one #playahnthegaaaaayum.

First off, I’ve seen the proof circulated that this season is dominated by mateship- the Contenders reluctantly congratulating the Champions for winning Sumo At Sea. Did anyone notice that they basically did so under protest? The shit talk between the two tribes during the two match-based challenges of the week? The fact that if rules went away, the two other tribes would probably claw each others’ eyes out before Russell could blink? The two tribes have so much hardcore UST between them that I start to feel like I’m intruding on something intimate.

Second off, when did “acting respectfully and focusing on challenge strength in the very first vote” become irrefutable proof of mateship? Is “playing normally” that scary to people who think the only acceptable way to play is by throwing out idols and demeaning women? The other tribe didn’t show signs of mateship- they showed signs of being a normal goddamn tribe. Besides, according to a few Aussies I have seen around- though far from my Murican ass to give condescending lessons on another nation- their modus operandi tends to be to avoid arrogance and self-indulgence for the sake of a decent game. We can’t look at this, or really any other nation’s Survivor, through an American sociopathic lens.

Finally, to the surprise of many a Russell apologist, it is not the job of every one of the eleven people to do what Russell says. It is Russell’s job to fit in with them. Shit, even Rudy got that in the very first episode of US Survivor to ever exist! Russell cannot do that, because he is the most inflexible player to ever last more than five episodes. He would do just fine by keeping his head down and going with the flow, even if he thinks everyone else is an idiot. He cannot, and that is why he will lose every time.

That’s the thing. Russell’s behavior in the pre-merge was entirely identical to every time he has played. That behavior has only avoided putting him on the bottom in one season, and that was because they lost every challenge and needed physical strength. In two seasons now he has been a tribe’s first boot because of it, and in Heroes vs Villains he only got ahead because Tyson is the biggest overthinker in the history of Survivor. (Also, can we stop the worshipful parrotting that it was all 100% Russell’s masterful messianic manly untriggered manipulation that Tyson went home? Is Tyson being an overthinker high on his intelligence that unbelievable?)

Russell’s game experience seems to be divided into two phases, which I like to call Now and Later. Either people have no time for him now (Moana, Sarita) or they have no time for him later (Sandra, sixteen jurors). While it is at least understandable to act the same in a two year period, it’s been seven years. Hell, that’s long enough for a new # Up Series documentary. Russell has changed exactly zero from that. Same obnoxious repetitive confessionals about how amazing he is and how everyone else sucks, same running roughshod over nothing while thinking it’s everything, same inauthentic chaos stirring in a tribe that has absolutely zero time for it.

Thank the pope that Moana Hope was not the hope that kept Russell alive. Moana was probably the one who had the least time for him out of all of the double digit women that ever owned him. Gods. Bless. Her. Her and her bland-ass voice yawning in mild annoyance that Russell is being an asshole, telling him that he hasn’t won so maybe he needs to rethink his strategy, her constant passive-aggressive reference to him as Mr. Texas, all of that is more savage than Russell could ever hope to be. She’s like if Aimee “that’s a rock mate” Stanton was a character. Plain, immediate shutting down.

Then, to quote Ben, his last moment in a tribe* was him getting shit on by one of the best Olympians in modern history about his underwear choices. I could not sign Russell off better than the natural successor to “you need to get in the ocean and wash your ass”.

*yes I know Deadman’s Island is a thing but let me believe

There’s an argument against many a case you could make for Russell, who point blank was the entire reason for his own downfall. He could have slid into the tribe well with only mild protest but his attitude and his need for chaos and supremacy is why he will lose worse and worse every time.

If Survivor was scripted, I think the creator of Russell probably wrote him as the big bad villain in Samoa, but saw that everyone loves male anti-heroes so loved him. So he gave Russell a worse and worse downfall every time and his fans still thought he was amazing. Wait until he sees Russell getting any sort of defense here. It’ll be like “You cretins are missing the point! What, do I have to make him burn the shelter down before you get it?”

Point blank, thinking Russell is an amazing player is like thinking Kylo Ren is a defensible villain. Like saying Walter White was just trying to help his family. Like putting a Punisher bumper sticker right next to an American flag symbol. You just look like a sad, strange little man doing it. There’s no point, and the proof is against you. All you’re doing is revealing what you value.

-Cam

P.S. I think the ship has sailed on recapping the Survivor New Zealand finale, not that I could fill an article up about it regardless. All I can say is that Lisa Stanger is the most I have loved a Survivor winner since Kristie herself. They really do make them better overseas.