

(New York, NY – March 20)… Events that once seemed world’s apart have now become prevalent in mainstream America, due in large part to the proliferation of social media and the legitimate impact it can have on crucial real world events. Most notably, Egyptian citizens utilized Twitter to broadcast the heinous atrocities taking place in their country. Numerous local reports have even surfaced explaining that criminals were caught thanks in large part to their careless interactions with social media.

As the technological revolution continues to evolve, Americans have actually solved an act of genocide by promoting awareness on their facebook and twitter feeds.

“As a ruthless dictator hell bent on killing my own people for reasons that are most likely based on religion, I’ve had my way with the innocent people of my country for decades. In fact, I’m raping one of them right now. Unfortunately, with the prevalence of social networking, submitting to a life of crime because the horrible conditions of my community leave me no other choice, just doesn’t seem like a viable option anymore.”

While social activism can touch on a vast array of topics due to the miniscule effort it takes to make yourself look like you give a shit, the movement reached it’s apex when Mark Zuckerberg personally skydived into Africa with a machine gun and began murdering the shit out of international terrorists like he was at a MySpace shareholder meeting.

“For years, decades even, we’ve longed for support of any kind. We thought we’d hit it big when celebrities finally pretended to care and we were overjoyed when Hollywood decided to exploit the human atrocities for profit ten years after the fact. But now, with the technology available to the average person, bad shit in the world just doesn’t happen.”

While intellectuals around the country were obviously skeptical initially, their qualms vanished almost immediately when reviewing the recent numbers, which display a drastic drop in America’s crime rate. While multiple theories for the unprecedented lack of crime, many have found it difficult to argue with the numbers, which clearly show that Facebook status updates and Re-tweets on twitter are specifically responsible for deterring the actions of evil dictators.