So… back to sex and kink parties then…

While some asexuals are sex-repulsed, others like myself are open to and enjoy kink and play parties. Rarely are those parties accessible to us. Here are a few ways you can make your parties more welcoming to asexuals, because some of us love kink and sex parties, too.

Understand and Confront Compulsory Sexuality

Compulsory sexuality refers to a “set of social attitudes, institutions, and practices which hold and enforce the belief that everyone should have or want to have frequent sex (of a socially approved kind)”. While sexuality encompasses our internal wants and desires, compulsory sexuality is imposed from outside. Sexual and kink engagement should always be an intentional choice.

If you are curating a space where sex and/or kink are centered and celebrated, then consent should be at the forefront of all activity. Consent should be enthusiastic, and ongoing. Your presence at a sex or kink party does not imply your consent to engage with others, and that goes for asexuals and allosexuals alike. Of course, your presence implies that you are aware of sexual and/or kinky activity, but any party worth their salt outlines expectations beforehand, opens said party with a consent class, and gives people the chance to discuss their triggers with organizers beforehand. Centering consent and acknowledging that we live in a world that mandates compulsory sexuality gives us the tools needed to help everyone curate an environment of intentionality.

Not All Asexuals are Sex Negative, and Not All Allosexuals Are Sex Positive.

Everyone at the event should be in agreement about the guidelines of engagement. That creates an environment of sex positivity, where sexual and kink diversity are celebrated, and the expectation that sex of a socially approved kind as mandatory is replaced with the enthusiastic consent and intention of all people in attendance. Both asexuals and allosexuals are capable of maintaining a sex positive attitude about sexual activity and attitudes. Both asexuals and allosexuals are also capable of holding sex negative perceptions of each others’ identities, so making space for both intentionally is vital.

If we remember that asexuality is about attraction and that it has to do with self-identity, and not mandates for others, we can better understand one another. If we understand that we are all present to share the space, and that consent is the key for expression, the space becomes more inclusive. Once we stop holding the perception of asexuality as a monolithic, sex hating group, we can better make space for all diverse expressions of sexuality and kink. On a similar note, asexuals who attend sex and kink parties need to check their assumptions about those who experience sexual attraction at the door. Any shame they have surrounding sexuality should be deconstructed wherever possible, especially when entering spaces that center sex and kink diversity. The takeaway here is that sex negativity should be actively discouraged, no matter what your orientation may be.

Make Space for Voyeurs!

Your guidelines also should talk about etiquette for engaging with people who are already involved in activities, because everyone has the right to be comfortable and on the same page in a vulnerable environment. In a related vein, voyeurism is a form of participation and should also be negotiated and consensual. While some attend sex and kink parties to play with those with whom they came, others attend because they enjoy being in a non-judgmental, sexually free, and body-positive environment. Some like to consensually watch others play. Some like to watch and play. There are asexual people with allosexual partners that like to watch their partners play.

As I mentioned earlier, asexuality is about attraction and not necessarily drive or activity (although asexuality can be about drive and activity as well). If we understand voyeurism to be a consensual and participatory activity, and we don’t hold expectations for folks who attend sex parties to participate against their will, then making space for voyeurs requires us to call to order a compromise between those engaged in play and those who watch others play. Those guidelines can be communicated in the invitation, in the consent class, and during the event by modeling that behavior. Since every person in attendance won’t be consistently physically engaged in activity for every second of the event, it makes sense that there are guidelines on behavior in between activities and scenes.

Teach People How to Say No and Value No in Your Spaces

Framing the word “no” as a gift in the space you curate and providing practice for folks engaged in your space to say no goes a long way in providing comfort for people regardless of orientation. The word “no” needs to be normalized in these spaces if enthusiastic consent is to be lauded as a value. Part of your opening consent class should address appropriate ways of asking for consent and how to say yes and no. Consent guardians at events should model this behavior throughout the event.