What in the everloving unholy fuck is going on right now?!

If anyone wants the shit scared out of them, search for the Joe Rogan Coronavirus video.

The bat pee disease is locking down entire countries. The stock market is plummeting back to only extremely inflated levels (as opposed to the ridiculously extremely inflated levels to which we’ve grown accustomed) and March Madness is going to be played in front of empty seats (update: is cancelled). For the last one, at least they’ll have late-90’s Phillies as a commiseration companion. (This joke no longer makes sense, but screw it. What are you waiting for, MLB)?

On top of all that, a bunch of Universities and businesses are moving virtual.

And I say: “Good”. It’s about damned time. Not for the bat disease and the other genuinely horrible things. Those really suck. But the fact that we still maintain this obsessive need to be physically near one-another to do things is simply mind boggling; it’s 2020 now, we have screens and the internet and FaceTime and whatnot. It’s time to grow up.

At the same time, I understand how frightening the idea of change and moving to a virtual-first environment may be for many people. It’s one thing to make the decision. It’s another thing entirely to carry it out. Especially when that may mean changing everything about the way things have always been done.

If there’s one thing people hate, it’s changing the way we’ve always done things. And I completely understand that. Doing things the way we’ve always done them is predictable and easy; change is mentally taxing and scary. And with so many other things to worry about right now, the last thing we need is the stress that accompanies monumental change.

I have been one of the biggest proponents for virtual collaboration that you can find. From earning my MBA through Penn State’s World Campus to working with a global team at Microsoft to co-founding the 100% virtual non-profit Progressive Coders Network, I have experienced first-hand just how amazing a virtual-first approach can be. And on the flip-side, I understand how painful it can be to work for a place that refuses to evolve.

As I’ve been watching the world come loose at its seams, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I could have the most significant positive impact. Unfortunately, I am not an infectious disease scientist (turns out you need something better than a 2.5 GPA for that…snobs). So, that leaves me with spewing my vaguely coherent thoughts amidst casual profanity.

With that, I would like to present some things that can help in our abruptly-adopted virtual life.

I. Fuck the way it’s always been done

Perhaps not entirely. It’s important to understand from where you’ve come if you want to be successful in where you’re headed. However, if you are still relying on sliding pieces of paper from one person to another to get things done, you are going to have a bad time. This doesn’t mean that you need to abandon everything that works for you. Believe me, you’ll need to pry my sticky notes from my cold, dead hands.

Have you ever seen cleaner hands?

But significant changes are most likely going to be necessary. Instead of going into this blindly, use what has always been done to define the requirements for your new virtual environment. While how you do what you do may change, what you do should remain more or less consistent.

II. Trust

Now, hopefully this one won’t be new to most of you. However, I think the most common argument against operating virtually is “How can we trust that people will actually do work at home?” My primary counterargument to that is: “If we can’t trust people will actually do work at home, how can we trust that chaining them to a desk for 40 hours a week will make them actually do work?” Lazy gonna lazy, but at least at home people may be a bit happier about it.

III. …and verify

A trusting culture is paramount. However, the negative nellys may not be so easily persuaded by my damned if we do, damned if we don’t argument. Which I think is fair. And to that I say: Just write it down.

Of course, the writing here will have to be on virtual instead of physical paper. But I’ve always found simply recording the action, owner and due date in a centrally accessible location and then looking at that same list shortly thereafter is a great way to hold one-another accountable while ensuring everyone is on the same page. Put simply: people do what is measured.

IV. Collaborate

My best meme since “It’s pronounced may-may”

I haven’t made a image macro in probably fifteen years, and I shudder at the thought of making the snake meme, however I thought this format was especially fitting.

This is where we get into the tactical level from a software and tools perspective in which I could easily write a book (in fact, I just might). Though, for the purposes of this piece, let’s suffice it to say that you’re going to need some tools to help you collaborate synchronously. While there are countless options to consider, given our duopoly-driven market, I expect Google Docs or Office 365 spreadsheet is generally a good place to start. And a special shout-out to Excel and OneNote, my all-time favorite tools.

V. Communicate

Closely related to the category above, I felt how we communicate is important enough to justify its own section. No longer being able to drop into your co-workers cubicle means you’re going to need to find new ways to distract them all day. Email will always have its place, especially for broad-based delivery, though you will likely need a wider subset of tools to successfully collaborate virtually.

Enter: Slack. Or Microsoft Teams. Or the Google one. And did Facebook make one, too? Regardless, a collaborative program where you can have separate focused 1:1, group and topic-based communication channels is going to be critical for keeping things organized. Just make sure you use these tools for what they are — communication, not information repository or project management.

VI. Show your face

I feel like I’ve heard that 99.99% of communication is non-verbal. While it may not be quite that extreme, it’s undoubtedly pretty darn high. And back to the second point, there is no better way to kill the productivity of a meeting than through your antiquated conference calling system.

It’s time to grow up, throw your landline teleconference solution in the garbage where it belongs, remove the piece of paper from your webcam and show your beautiful face to the world. The downside, of course, is that people might know if you’ve just rolled out of bed. But, screw it, it’s not like they can smell you anyway.

VII. And share your screen

To me, it’s not a meeting if somebody isn’t sharing their screen. Whether it’s a presentation, a report, an agenda, or someone’s hilarious writing, you have to be showing something. And in a real meeting, the screen also displays taking notes, actions and a timer, ensuring there is no uncertainty about what was discussed and agreed upon, keeping everyone on track .

VIII. Be like James

If all else fails, just don’t leave the basement.