When I first arrived in Australia, I thought it was like heaven. I felt like I’d been given a second life – or more like a fifth or sixth life. When I look at my son, Freeman, it brings back memories. I wasn’t far away from his age when I was a child solider. I was only 13 when I first used an AK47.

In 1983, a civil war broke out in Sudan. My father and older brother died around the same time. I wanted to fight, because I was very angry. I volunteered in the beginning not really knowing what I was getting myself into.

We trained in Ethiopia. There was little food. We ate a staple diet that consisted of ground maize or boiled rice. The training they gave us was very harsh. If we tried to escape they would punish us severely. We sometimes fainted from the heat and excessive training. If you didn’t get up they would leave you there, or drag you out of the way.

While fighting in Sudan, we had to jump into ditches and holes to escape the bombings. One of the child soldiers was hit by a bomb. All that was left of him was his belt. That was the only way we could identify him.

We were always being ambushed by the enemy. Even when I would go to the toilet, I was shot at. But for me, the worse part of it was burying child soldiers my age who died from malaria, diarrhoea or self-inflicted gunshot wounds while cleaning a gun. One friend shot his lieutenant and then turned the gun on himself. The suffering was unimaginable. It was unlike any movie I’ve ever seen.

I ran away too many times to keep count. Every time I ran away they would send the prison guards to come and get me. They’d put us into prison for up to four weeks. The prison was run by this guy called Anyang. He was only a few years older than me. Anyang was a ruthless trainer who handed down severe punishment. The teenage guards did what they were told – otherwise they would get beaten up too.

I came to Australia as a refugee from South Sudan in 1996. I didn’t expect Australia to be this good. The first day I arrived, I ate so many sausages thinking that it was the only time I was going to be fed. I haven’t eaten them since.

The first morning I woke up, I looked out of the window only to see quiet. It was an alien environment to me. It took me a while to fit in. I tried to put the past behind me but it was really hard to forget.

Then on one Sunday visit to a church in Brisbane, I was confronted by a situation beyond belief. At the end of the service, I looked to my right – and looked again – and saw this face that I could only remember from when I was a child solider. And then something just clicked – bang! – in my head. I took another good look ... And I realised it was him! It was Anyang. We had eye contact, although I’m not sure if he saw me. But I recognised him straightaway. It was his eyes.

It was about two years later when I saw him again and told him that I would have killed him if he and I were back in Africa and he no longer had the protection or power he had in Sudan. I was still struggling with the horrific memories that seeing Anyang in the church had triggered.

I soon realised that, if I don’t talk to him, if I don’t face him and don’t forgive him, it’s going to be in my mind for so many years to come – and that will hurt me. If I see him again it might help me move on with my life.

The new documentary series Look Me in the Eye offered me the chance to come face to face with Anyang again, without words getting in the way. Based on the proven counselling technique of non-verbal communication, I wanted to look Anyang in the eyes and see remorse. I wanted answers. But most of all, I wanted to move on with my life and get closure.

The host, Ray Martin, asked me what I was feeling before I met with Anyang. My emotions were mixed to say the least. Anger was the most prevalent feeling I had at the time. Was I going to be able to face him? What would I do?

We all handle our life experiences the best way we know how. I need to put the painful memories behind me and any help would be worth the time. You have to start somewhere and I couldn’t think of a better way to do it. I thought facing the history of my tragic past would help me heal, forgive and move on with life.

My life changed when my son Freeman was born. It gave me something to live for. The reason I called him Freeman is because he’s a free man. I never had freedom myself, so when he was born, there was no better name to give him.

I never had the opportunities that he’s got. I never had a good life. I never grew up around my family. In the army, I was just running and running and running. I ran from Sudan to Ethiopia then back to Sudan. I ran to Uganda, to Kenya, to Somalia, then back to Kenya before coming to Australia. But I think ... I think now I have stopped running.



Look Me in the Eye premieres Wednesday 6 September, 8.30pm on SBS. Episodes will be available after broadcast anytime, anywhere, for free via SBS On Demand.