Have you recently had your body split open by a screaming, red, nightmare-lump of writhing humanity? Or taken on the hair-raising responsibility of parenting a little one with less ability to manage for him- or herself than a newborn kitten?

Then, sorry. You don’t qualify for maternity leave.

Wanting to order a case of chardonnay and settle in to binge-watch the new season of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” isn’t in the same category. If you’ve got a case of the sads, or sudden-onset reflectivitis, that’s just a personality problem — not a reason to take off work.

Having a child is a physically and psychologically overwhelming, nerve-shattering, exhausting experience.

Giving birth is like “pooing a train,” someone explained on Twitter this week. Take your lower lip and pull it over your forehead and you’ll be in the ballpark, some say. Compensation for this is in order, along with time off to adjust to the less intense, but much more emotionally challenging, process of getting the kid acclimated to existence on Planet Earth — especially given that parents suffer so that society as a whole may prosper (or at least continue).

Even examined under the cold forensic light of economics, we parents don’t just deserve a little work break (though mommies are far, far more deserving than daddies). Non-parents should fetch us lattes daily and offer to do light housekeeping, preferably while doing some “Downton Abbey” groveling and calling us “Madam” or “M’lord” — though I personally would prefer “Your Excellency.”

If you’ve got a case of the sads, or sudden-onset reflectivitis, that’s just a personality problem — not a reason to take off work.

Parents make the critically necessary sacrifice without which society would collapse like Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign: We shell out vast sums of money on everything from diapers to chess camp to prepare the next generation of taxpayers, who will be funding the retirement of people like the childless/childish Meghann Foye, whose pay-me-even-if-I-didn’t-do-anything attitude says not “imaginative social thinker,” but “squeegee man.”

Foye calls out people who “leave the office at six on the dot” as slackers. In fact, someone named this tendency decades ago — it’s called the Mommy Track. Some people have the drive to work 80 hours a week, and those are the ones who make it to the top. Some work 40 hours, or part-time — and accept diminished responsibilities, lower salaries and a reduced chance of moving into the corner office.

You want some “me-ternity” leave without the hassle of giving birth? Fine, come baby-sit my two little Napoleons for six months. You’ll be begging your boss to let you come back to the office — after about six days.