Here is a list of all my most memorable posts on asexuality.

The Pity Response (10/24/18): Why no one should be feeling sorry for me when I disclose my orientation.

Pride (4/9/17): Discussion of the forty-year-old virgin trope and my mixed feelings on being proud of my sexual history.

Ace/Aro PSA (3/14/17): A crudely drawn cartoon illustrating how supporting an orientation shouldn’t depend on shaming another one.

They printed my advice in Savage Love (2/7/17): Thoughts on a previously gay-identified guy thinking about using the asexual label, printed in Dan Savage’s column.

Meet SwankiVY’s BFF: Meggie! (2/3/17): Just a nice lighthearted video about us and some ace/aro/demi discussion.

The Consequences (1/25/17): Why speaking out about this does not equal taking away “normal” people’s RIGHTS

ur calling me a rapist and shaming me if I want sex (11/4/16): Why asking people not to manipulate sex-repulsed people into sex is not the same as shaming you for desiring sex.

I have it worse (10/1/16): Why it’s not helpful to shame someone into silence if there are problems you think are more serious.

Consensus (9/19/16): I contest the notion that non-asexual folks have a right to expect a certain amount of sex.

“Asexuality? Isn’t that when you’re ugly and don’t date?” (8/17/16): I address “you’re ugly and don’t date or breed, GOOD.”

But wait you’re asexual (6/26/16): Why you shouldn’t say asexual people can’t love anything, even as a joke.

The flavor of our feelings (5/26/16): A perspective on love from an aromantic asexual person whose love is not lesser.

Write an asexual character (4/29/16): Advice on writing ace characters so they won’t read like they’re defined by missing something.

“Ace Discourse” (3/28/16): Why critics of inclusion do not make LGBTQ+ organizations and individuals our enemy.

No (2/25/16): Why “No” should be valid regardless of whether asexuality is your “excuse.”

Fear of Sex (1/17/16): My thoughts on what’s associated with fear of sex, and why it shouldn’t be a tool of invalidation.

Definition policing (12/15/15): I discuss why I stress respect of others’ chosen labels even if they are complicated. (Followed by an objection to my message and one blogger disagreeing with the objection.)

I don’t like soccer, I’m oppressed (11/27/15): Why being a guy who doesn’t like sports is a false equivalence analogy.

Don’t Worry About Us (11/22/15): The problems with prioritizing non-ace people “misdiagnosing” themselves as ace over the needs of ace people who need the education.

The Lady Doth Protest Too Much (11/12/15): Discussion of why my repeated discussion of my happiness as an asexual and aromantic woman is not evidence to the contrary.

Young aces coming out (10/20/15): Some thoughts on coming out as asexual when you’re young and dealing with the resulting disrespect.

Selfish (9/5/15): My thoughts on being called “selfish” for not reciprocating someone’s sexual and romantic interest.

That’s just what you think (5/17/15): Why asexuality is not less valid just because it is a subjective experience.

Don’t “Science” My Orientation (11/1/14): The common ways people try to use misunderstandings or perversions of science to invalidate asexuality, and explanations for why they’re wrong to do so.

“But without sex, humans would die out!” (7/31/14): Questions you should ask if anyone uses the “but BABIES!” argument to invalidate asexuality.

Ten things well-meaning people say to asexual people (5/24/14): Some statements that look positive or supportive on the surface, with discussion of why each is inappropriate.

No big deal (4/16/14): Discussion of why asking a repulsed person to put up with sex is as unreasonable as asking a sex-desiring person to just go without it.

None of the Above (1 /4/14): Why I think asexuality is best described as a sexual orientation rather than no sexual orientation.

It’s Simple (11/11/13): Asexuality is too simple to deserve awareness efforts, but too complicated because of all its sub-groups. Discuss.

What a Waste (9/10/13): Short rant about being considered “a waste” if I’m abstinent.





I want to limit your ability to communicate (7/23/13): Discussion of why it’s absurd for people to object to and mock other people’s labels.

How are asexuals and demisexuals oppressed? (7/15/13): Why I don’t use “oppression” to describe what we experience, but how we do experience prejudice and discrimination, and why it matters.

Your identity is a Tumblr fad (6/30/13): Exploring why some people think asexuality and other identities were invented on Tumblr just because Tumblr was the first place they saw these things discussed.

If It Fits (6/24/13): An extended metaphor discussion about how expecting all people to fit specified, recognized “standard” sexual orientations is like expecting everyone to wear the same size clothes no matter what actually fits.

Asexuality Pre- and Post-Transition (6/19/13): A perspective for trans asexuals who worry that their orientation possibly shifting after transition might be ammunition for others to invalidate asexuality in trans people.

All Stories Must Include Romance (5/9/13): On how to realistically include aromantic or non-participatory characters in fiction.

Coming Out as Asexual (4/24/13): Pointers on coming out, with a special section for teens.

Missing Out (3/7/13): On why it’s wrong to keep harassing asexual people to “just try sex” because you perceive them to be “missing out.”

Asexual Voices Panel at Creating Change (1/29/13): My writeup of the panel discussion I presented with three other panelists at an LGBT conference.

The asexual double standard (12/7/12): How asexual people are expected to expose themselves to sexual experiences they do not want in ways most other orientations are not expected to tolerate.

It won’t last. (11/27/12): Reaction to HuffPost Live’s feature on asexual relationships and why it’s wrong for people to insist that sexual activities are required for relationships to endure.

“Playing devil’s advocate” with someone else’s identity (11/21/12): Long bulleted list of things to keep in mind before you argue with someone’s gender or sexual identity as part of a “social experiment.”

(TW: rape) Stop bringing up sexual assault to dismiss asexuality! (9/19/12): Why “you’re not asexual, you were just abused” is a disgusting and horrible thing to bring up in a discussion about someone’s orientation.

If we’re so clearly ridiculous… . (8/30/12): On why people who mock asexuality are forced to misrepresent and exaggerate because they can’t undermine us otherwise.

My thoughts on “queerplatonic” (7/2/12): A discussion of why the word is not an attempt to unfairly graft queerness onto relationships that are “just friendships.”

Diagnostic Manual? Pssh, nah, it won’t be used against you! (6/20/12): A simplification of detractors’ belief that institutional prejudice against asexuality cannot negatively affect people who need counseling/therapy.

Your reason (6/7/12): An appeal to anti-asexual crusaders to please explain whether they’re objecting for our sake or for their own.

Away with the labels! (5/26/12): Why “we should just stop trying to label every sexuality” is misguided as well as erasing to asexuals.

Boo-hoo, invisibility … ? (5/23/12): Why “but gay people have it worse and invisibility doesn’t hurt you” is dead wrong.

On the Inside (5/21/12): Why people outside a population should not consider themselves the authority on an in-group’s experiences.

Here are some reflective replies to others.



On whether people get squishes on me (2/25/14)

On the use of the “asexual” label (1/24/14)





On the importance of the asexual community (12/25/13)

Asexual People and Kink (9/14/13) with addendum

On people wanting asexual people to show LGBTQ people “proof” of their discrimination and bullying:

On arguing that demisexuality enables homophobia, user babushka-nipples posted this misleading definition of demisexuality. The string that includes my replies: