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Someone who worked in Survivor casting sent Colton Cumbie a letter from his first season on the show: it was a note from his fiance, Caleb Bankston, who died this summer.

Caleb wrote to Colton in 2011, during production of Survivor One World, two years before Caleb and Colton would be on Survivor Blood vs. Water together. It was held by production to be delivered later in the season, but as Colton noted in his tweet below, he didn’t make the merge and thus didn’t receive it–until now.

While it is full of love, the letter is, of course, devastating to read now:

“I love you + miss you so, so, so much! I am already so proud of you! […] Just can’t wait for you to get home so we can start the next part of our life together.”

I obviously didn’t make the merge so I never had a chance to read it. I am sitting here bawling and shaking… pic.twitter.com/jKFYvvr4Re — Colton Cumbie (@ColtonCumbie) December 18, 2014