What not to say, and what to do if someone says it.

I had been back at work for maybe 2 hours after being away for 2 weeks, post D Day. I knew it would happen. It did happen. “How was your holiday” she asked. Knowing this would happen I had considered my options. Lie lie deny, or hard truth. It was at work, so lyng wasn’t possible so hard truth it was!

“I wasn’t on holiday, unfortunately my Dad died” I tried to say in the most warm way possible (it was not warm). Her face dropped and her hands went to her face in shock. I was quick to laugh it off, save us both from the relaity of what she had asked and what I had said.

This is one of those situations that will happen to anyone who has been absent from work for any sort of unfortunate event. It’s a situation played out in comedies so often; the forever unfortunate protagonist who no one pays attention to, the other is the oaf like manager to doesn’t pay any attention to his employees. The reality is much more inoccent, and there are multiple victims.

It would be easier if I could wear some kind of sign. Maybe a sash or something more festive. Even then someone would miss the memo and ask “what a lovely sash, where did you get it?” and you would have to watch another person deflate as you tell them the truth. You will walk away knowing that you now have a starring role in one of their memory show reels, Stupid Things I Said: Greatest Hits. You know the kind that plays on repeat at 2am in the morning and reminds you of every stupid thing you ever said.

I want to make a public announcement to everyone who has ever felt they said the wrong thing to someone bereaved. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL BAD. It cannot be avoided, we know it will happen, you may have been the first, if so thanks for the training. You might be the 10th, if so thanks for the practice.

If you are bereaved and no one has said anything silly to you yet, you are lucky; but do be prepared. Prepare yourself not to get offended and to be able to handle your emotions at the time. Keep in mind that the person may feel terrible and you may need to control not only your emotions but also be able to help with theirs.

Managing others emotions was something I was expecting. When you have bad news to share, you have a responsibility to the people you are sharing it with to support them with the information you have just dumped on them.

They will go through a couple of stages in quick succession, the shock and denial (how, when, why questions), they will give an immediate socially acceptable response “I’m so sorry, my condolences”. They will ask you how you are coping and importantly there is only one response you can give them which is “ok”. They are at this stage not asking how you are for your benefit, they are asking for their own. They need to know you are ok to allow them to process and to accept the news. How they respond next really depends on the person but often looks alot like pity. It’s the bit I least like, feeling someone’s pity and knowing it is in part justified is not fun.

I will end on two pieces of advice.

1) when speaking to someone bereaved don’t feel like you have to say something about it, take the lead from them. We may be despirate for a normal conversation about the weather. If you do want to say something don’t be affraid of what you will say, we understand and know you mean well.

2) If you are bereaved then remember to be gentle to those around you who may not be so comfortable with the topic. Experimenting with being direct or sarcastic when someone says something could really hurt them. Be prepared to be the bigger person and to support and comfort.

Deep breath, keep smiling

L