Hardhome

Well, fuck. Where do I even begin? I don’t think I’m alone in saying this was by far the best episode of the season. A lot of people online have been pretty much been making love to their keyboards about how it’s the best of the series in its entirety but, come on. Slow your roll, nerds. There have been plenty of great episodes before this one. So, let’s break it down scene by scene and see what all the fuss is about.

Cunning Linguists

I would’ve watched an entire episode of Daenerys/Tyrion banter. Who wouldn’t? I mean, when do you ever see either of them on their toes like that? It’s like one of them would drop the mic, just so the other could pick it up and drop it again.

Even the way the opening scene was shot was well crafted. The larger Tyrion’s influence over Daenerys becomes, the larger Tyrion himself becomes as he climbs the steps towards her throne until he’s almost looking down on Jorah, advising on his punishment. And how about that by-proxy dialogue? Tyrion’s so good at reading Jorah that it’s as if he’s eloquently phrasing everything Jorah has wanted to say but Daenerys would never hear. I mean, Jorah and Daenerys both get teary eyed; that’s how fucking dead on accurate Tyrion is with how they both feel. Dude’s a legend.

Cersei’s Finery Status: Removed

Other than giving me horrific flashbacks to Catholic school, Cersei’s jail scenes were on point. That Amazon woman of a Silent Sister and her phallic spoon of slapping almost make you feel bad for the despondent former queen. Almost. I’d be lying if I said after everything that’s happened that Cersei’s tears didn’t taste sweeter than the Dornishman’s wife. But to give credit where credit is due, Lena Heady has rocked that role from the start and these jail scenes just further prove her breadth as an actor.

What Do We Say to the Plot of Death? Today.

Fuck yes, Arya the Assassin. Lana (or Cat to book readers) of the Canals is where shit really starts to take off for Arya and I’m excited to see where they take her in the coming seasons. We do know one thing for certain, however. If she does take on the assassination of The Thin Man, it may cut her teeth enough for her to take on a certain Kingsguard that happens to be escorting Mace Tyrell to The Iron Bank of Braavos coughMerynTrantcough.

Oh. And hey, Waif? Quit being jealous and cruising for Jaqen H’ghar’s D. You’re coming off thirstier than a drunk Tinder bitch. Speaking of thirsty bitches…

Doctor Qyburn Frankenstein

Cersei seems shocked that no one wants to visit her except for her mad scientist. This scene really only served two purposes: One, to show that Cersei’s situation is pretty much hopeless unless she confesses. Two, that Qyburn continues to work on whatever was under the sheet in his lab, episodes prior. Now, what or who could it be? If only Qyburn had access to a massive, near dead body with the strength to survive his experiments. It’s too bad The Mountain didn’t survive his duel with Oberyn–oh. Wait.

Road to Reekdemption

I, like I assume most people, roll my eyes anytime a Sansa scene comes on, but this one was surprisingly tolerable. It’s not that Sophie Turner is that bad of an actor, Sansa just seems super complacent in constant misery. She’s showing a little fight in her this season now that she’s back home and has had time to learn a fraction of ruthlessness from Littlefinger over the previous months, but still. Woman up. Light the candle in the broken tower yourself, ya ding dong.

Alfie Allen, on the other hand, killing it as always. This was a really pivotal scene for both characters. Reek speaks about Theon in the third person almost the entire conversation, except for one very important line: “I deserved everything. I deserve to be Reek. I did terrible things.” I. I did terrible things. Theon speaks for really the first time in a long, long time. Reek didn’t betray Robb, didn’t take Winterfell, didn’t supposedly kill Bran and Rickon, Theon did. And for Reek to say “I” instead of “Theon” is fucking huge in terms of a mental breakthrough for him. Being around Sansa seems to be awakening a part of him that he thought was dead. However, as we all know, what is dead may never die, but rises again harder and stronger.

Sansa, too, has her world rocked in this conversation when Reek drops the bomb that Theon actually burnt two farm boys, not her brothers. So, in an instant, her world view and living family has grown exponentially. And that silhouette shot against the window was just fucking beautiful. Will this new info finally give Sansa the courage to act? I’m hopeful, but not holding my breath.

The Roose is Almost Loose

Roose is looking like his usual Putin self, even more so with snows akin to Russia’s colder climates starting to hit Winterfell. He knows he has the defensive advantage against Stannis, but Ramsay disagrees. He says he can defeat the entirety of Stannis the Mannis’ army with 20 good men? No doubt he’ll be just as successful as Yara Greyjoy and her 20 good men attempting to spring Theon from captivity. Let’s just hope Ramsay has the sense to wear a shirt this time. It’s getting cold out there.

The Orphans of Essos

Tyrion vs. Daenerys round two. Still as snappy as round one, but with a little more heart. What’s so great about this scene in particular is that it really elegantly conveys, despite the seemingly infinite divide between what’s going on in Westeros and what’s going on in Essos, the plotlines of all the characters are so tightly woven that to pull one thread would affect numerous others. Tyrion brings up Varys who’s affected multiple threads the entire series. It’s kind of his thing. Then he brings up Jaime, who Daenerys immediately associates with killing her father. We’ve heard the name Kingslayer over and over throughout the series, we’ve known Aerys was Daenerys’s father, but to put Dany’s face immediately next to such a close connection to Jaime as opposed to across the Narrow Sea, gives a whole new perspective.

Then Daenerys reveals that, in fact, she’ll be taking Tyrion on as an adviser which was fairly predictable given Barristan Selmy’s unceremonious offing at the hands of a street gang wearing masks that would clearly affect their ability to see in a fight. Like seriously, the best sword in all of Westeros was cut through by Sons of the Harpy like they were carving a cake? Good one, D&D. I digress. Tyrion is now an adviser. He pretty much lays it out in plain terms that she’s not going to be able to conquer The Seven Kingdoms without the upper class. Then Daenerys unleashes her short but sweet “Break the Wheel” speech that seems like the season equivalent of Littlefinger’s “Chaos is a Ladder” speech.

I feel like a lot of people liked the “Break the Wheel” speech, but for the wrong reason. While it’s true that it does make Daenerys look like a badass with grand designs to siege an entire continent, that’s not the main reason it’s cool. The main reason is that with Tyrion now here, Daenerys is finally beginning the mental shift that we’ve seen her slowly cultivating throughout the season. Look at last season. Slaves this, Meereen that. Dany has totally lost her original purpose. This is most clearly conveyed in the attitude of her dragons. When Daenerys was on the warpath to get her boats, get her army, and take on The Seven Kingdoms, the dragons were incredibly obedient. They were loyal and gentle to her, while violent to her enemies. Like the Dothraki, they followed her power. But as soon as she started taking over Slaver’s Bay, she lost that passion inside her to reclaim her throne; to return home. And look at the dragons now. One is MIA and the other two are savagely chained in an empty cesspool because she’s totally incapable of controlling them anymore. Could you argue that the dragons’ change in attitude towards her is due to their age and not a metaphor for her resolve? Of course. But it just seems too convenient that things like Daenerys entering their chamber alone and without resolve leads to her almost getting chomped in half, whereas when she enters with the resolve to make the former masters confess, the dragons dutifully burn and eat whoever she so chooses to die. They’re powerful beings, and they respond to power.

The bottom line here is that in the beginning of the season, Selmy was telling her stories of her older brother Rhaegar and you could see it went past meaningless curiosity for her: she was starting to feel the fire again to get over to Westeros. Now with Tyrion, a major player in the Westerosi Game of Thrones, at her side, it’s reminding Daenerys that she started out with a singular purpose and, despite having responsibilities to the slaves of Essos, she has indeed lost her way and Tyrion is the key to getting back on track. On top of this, I’m incredibly confident that the more she allows herself to feel that passion she once had, the more her dragons will be passionate towards her again. Speaking of being passionate towards Daenerys:

Jorah Exiled 2: Electric Stone Man Boogaloo

Jorah should moonlight as a job interview coach because hot damn, for a warrior, the dude has some pretty slick rhetoric. That’s really the only thing to take away from this scene. Jorah is just not going to give up on winning back Daenerys. With the greyscale spreading, I think he knows it’s only a matter of time. He wants to redeem himself before he loses the ability to.

Cottonmouth Is Almost as Big a Bitch as Cersei

I’ve been really thirsty before, but thirsty enough to suck on a dungeon rock is pretty far out of my realm of experience. Again just showing the absolute futility of Cersei’s situation. Unless she confesses, she’s going to be sitting there imagining ways to kill Amazon woman for a long, long time.

Olly, Olly, Oxen Free Folk

Now, I realize that from Olly’s perspective, what Jon is doing would be like Obama telling families of murdered marines that they have to team up with ISIS to fight aliens. I get that. He deserves to be a little sour. But did he really expect that bringing Sam some food would help his case against Jon? You’re not going to turn Sam the Slayer against Jon, kiddo. It just won’t happen.

Here’s where things could possibly get really bad, really quickly, though. As evidenced by Olly’s itchy bow finger, the kid has no qualms about downing a bitch on a whim. Dude’s ice cold. Couple that murderous rage with a misinterpreted speech from Sam about doing something that seems wrong for the greater good? That’s a recipe for disaster. Sam says, “I’ve been worried about Jon for years.” Fuck that. I’m worried now.

Lord of (Fractured) Bones

Jon’s boat is finally landing at Hardhome, undoubtedly using Tormund’s massive dong as the anchor. And who do we have here? Good ol’ Rattleshirt. By all means though, Jon, open your big mouth while the grown-ups are talking. You can’t just say that you’re allies with people you’ve been fighting for centuries sans context. Odds are they won’t take it too well, which they don’t. That’s okay, though, since Tormund don’t take no lip from no one. In typical Wildling fashion, he beats The Lord of Bones and yet another book plotline into a bloody pulp.

I Fucking Hate Thenns

Oh, look. A mildly attractive new character with dialogue. Nothing could possibly happen to her. Said no one who’s watched this show for more than an episode. Yes, we’re introduced to Karsi as Jon and Tormund try and convince the Wildling elders to return to Castle Black with them. It’s interesting that they use the term elders, when, with the exception of a few (not to mention the last of the giants chilling in the corner), none of them seem to be older than their mid 30s. Seems to speak to the life expectancy of The Free Folk if these are their elders.

Jon gives them the dragon glass, which thankfully they’ve at least heard of or else it would seem like a weird gesture. Oh…thank you for these crude, easily chipped weapons, King Crow. Did you happen to keep the receipt?

Jon’s not done, yet, though. No, ser. When the Thenn elder asks how Mance was killed, Jon decides it prudent to only tell them the part here he shot Mance through the heart. You know, best leave out the part where Mance was engulfed in fucking flames at the time. For the second time in as many minutes, Tormund has to sweep in and explain what Jon means since, apparently, Jon is incapable of using rational thought before he speaks.

But, once the dust settles, Jon kicks it into Lord Commander gear and delivers a lordly pep talk. You can see Karsi’s attitude shift on her face once Jon brings up children, which makes it clear she has some/children are the chink in her otherwise thick armor.

Karsi and a group of elders agrees to join up, but of course the Thenn won’t. This prompts Karsi to deliver the most quotable line of the night, “I fucking hate Thenns.” Tormund’s beard agrees.

Winter Has Come and So Shall I

Here. We. Fucking. Go. Aw, look Karsi does have kids. Don’t worry, children. Your mom made you a promise you’d see her again. Just like Nedd promised Jon–oh.

Edd and the giant (who book readers can only suspect is Wun Wun) have a good moment with definitely the funniest line of the night: “The fuck you looking at?” I think, however, that putting one of the lighter moments of the episode here specifically was no coincidence. This is the only point where as the audience, we’re allowed to relax and laugh a little. It’s completely disarming. And now our minds are completely aligned with the characters. No immediate worries or dangers, just a task at hand, a joke here and there. We have no idea what’s coming next, just as the Free Folk don’t. Until the dogs begin to bark, and your laugh is cut short.

Storm? Avalanche? What is that? Surely they’re not going to do anything crazy, this is only episode 8 after all. 9 is where the big events occur, right? Wrong, sucka. We finally, finally get to see what The White Walkers are capable of and what an absolutely real threat they are. We also get to see where the entirety of the special effects budget went this season: Towards CGI, 28 Days Later Wights running and jumping through and over walls, and really improved makeup for the Walkers.

Again, just like Daenerys connecting her father to Jaime through Tyrion, we’re not just hearing about The White Walkers as some isolated incident. We didn’t get to see the battle at The Fist of the First Men. This isn’t just a handful of Wights or Walkers. We’re finally and actively involved as a main character runs headfirst into a fucking nightmare.

I Am Harder Than Valyrian Steel Right Now

After some brief fighting, we get an obvious allusion to the four horsemen of the apocalypse as four Walker generals peer down at the ensuing battle from a nearby cliff. Credit has to go to the music department on this one. Those dissonant violins are something straight out of a horror movie and I think actually act as a subconscious mental cue for the audience to recall being scared by movies that had similar music.

Then, boom! The giant busts out the main hut with Wights creepin’ on his back. As if this dude could not get any cooler, he’s wearing a fucking mammoth spine as back armor. After stomping and ripping apart Wights with his bare hands, Jon can finally get by along with the Thenn to retrieve the dragon glass.

But uh-oh. A muthafuckin’ Walker is in the hut. What about the fire, you say? Bitch, please, said the Walker as he puts it out with fucking mist. The Thenn tries to take him on while Jon searches for the obsidian. It’s immediately apparent that the Thenn is no match. I mean, the guy brought a battle ax to a spear fight. Go figure. So he’s dispatched with ease, right after the Walker shatters the Thenn’s ax into ice. The Walker sets his sights on Jon.

Here’s where all the tinfoil hat theories start. Why didn’t the Walker kill him quickly? Why did he toy with him? Why did he hit him with the blunt end of the spear when he could have stabbed him? Alright, everyone. Stop. Jon’s battle with the Walker here isn’t some insane metaphor, or like well, the Walker couldn’t have killed Jon because he’s actually the prince that was promi–no. Stop. Shutup. Here’s what, in my opinion, happened:

As we’ll see in the final minutes of the show, the White Walkers are cocky sons of bitches. As such, the Walker in the hut was expecting way more of a fight out of the Thenn. He was toying with him, too, not just with Jon. The Thenn was just too slow and it ended too quickly for the Walker to derive any pleasure from it. So he decides to toy with Jon who, by comparison, is much faster, thereby giving a better fight. You have to remember, the White Walkers have been asleep for thousands of years. A creature that is specifically designed to relish in the taking of lives is going be be a little fucking thirsty for some action after such a long time without. Imagine him like a guy that just got out of a long prison sentence. He’s not going to buy a hooker then blow his load in the first two minutes. He takes his time, remembering how to feel the pleasure again. And so it is with the Walker. He takes his time with Jon to feel the thrill of the hunt again. He doesn’t want to prematurely kill him like he did the Thenn.

Even if you don’t buy that theory, just watch how the fight is choreographed. The Walkers initial move is to get Jon away from the dragon glass by throwing him. He can’t risk stabbing Jon and in his dying last move, having Jon stab him with the glass. Once away from the glass, the Walker goes at him for real with the spear. But Jon is fast and is able to dodge and briefly escape. Once on the upper level Jon gains a sword and brings the fight to the Walker but is obviously outmatched as his sword is shattered. However, the move that the Walker used to shatter the sword puts his spear tip towards the ground and the handle right at Jon’s chest level. Had he attempted to cock back and stab Jon, there’s a chance Jon could’ve dodged and escaped. So, instead, he hits Jon hard with the handle to wound him internally, thus making the kill easier on the ground. See, in this version the Walker isn’t toying, he’s just fighting smart. I’m sure there are a million interpretations, but between these two, I don’t see a deus-ex-machina-Jon-can’t-die-at-the-hands-of-a-regular-walker-because-he’s-a-mystic-savior theory as being viable. At least, not from this scene by itself.

Either way, Jon reclaims Longclaw outside and maybe the best shot of the episode occurs when to both their surprises, Jon’s blade blocks the ice spear. Valyrian steel is the legendary dragon steel, and it can fight Walkers. Get fucking hyped. The look on the Walker’s face was perfect. Since the opening of Season One, it seemed like these ancient creatures felt nothing but the desire to kill, but we know now that they can feel a very real fear. Jon shatters the Walker with one hit. Drop the mic.

The Night’s King Cometh

While Jon’s duel is going down, The (now confirmed by D&D) Night’s King watches the events unfold. He recognizes Jon and his sword as a viable threat. Which really speaks to the makeup and special effects as The Night’s King is looking down stoically, they can still somehow get across interest, curiosity, and anger without his face moving. Very cool.

As a quick aside to non-book readers: The Night’s King is the title given to the 13th Lord Commander of The Night’s Watch (for perspective Jon is the 998th Lord Commander, so, dude is fucking old). Basically what happened was he fell in love with, who may or may not be, a female Walker and took her to bed. As soon as he slept with her, he kinda signed over his soul and became twisted as we see him now. He pretty much took The Night’s Watch captive at The Night Fort (the now abandoned fort on The Wall where Bran met Sam), and started sacrificing his sworn brothers to The Others. Really fucked up shit. Just like now, it took a Stark (Brandon the Breaker) and the King Beyond the Wall (Joramund) teaming up to vanquish The Night’s King, saving The Night’s Watch who survived. So really, it’s a fantastic historical parallel that it should be Jon teaming up with the Wildlings to take out the same guy their ancestors defeated thousands of years prior. The only fly in the ointment is that The Night’s King in the show may only be so in name, not deed. Whether or not Jon’s new rival is truly the 13th Lord Commander remains to be seen, but given that the armor The Walker’s we’ve seen are wearing, it looks as though they are indeed ancient Night’s Watch. I’d bet a gold dragon, though, that if they do explain this in the show, it will be through Sam’s research. Okay, history lesson over.

After The Night’s King’s re-reveal (remember, we saw him once before last season) we catch up with how Tormund and Karsi are faring against the Wights. Then, whoops, as predicted Karsi is met face to face with her weakness: children. To be fair though, those kids were fucking horrifying. I’d probably have given pause, too, had I not been running as fast I could away from eyeless skeleton boy. Oh, well, at least Karsi can come back to life…kinda…

Come at Me, Crow

Edd finds Jon and they need to get the fuck out of dodge. Just in time, too, as a beautifully shot deluge of Wights washes over the cliff and into the village proper. Which kind begs the question, if they had that many Wights up there on the cliff with them, why didn’t they just do that from the beginning instead of bothering with the rigmarole of breaking down the gate? Again this lends itself to the “Walkers are cocky sons of bitches” theory. It wouldn’t be as much fun if they could’ve won quickly. They feed off of the dread of their prey. Like Ramsay allowing Theon to escape, just to torture him again, the Walkers allow the humans to believe they have a chance hiding behind their gate, then once the survivors believe they can escape, the Walkers play their next card: Wight Lemming Flood, to further instill fear. It’s psychotic, really.

As if it couldn’t get any better, Tormund confirms that the giant is indeed the book readers’ beloved Wun Wun as he, Edd, and Jon make a fucking break for the boats with Wun Wun covering the rear. They employed a really cool shot here so that you feel as if you too are running from the Wights. But they make it, and row away slower than Gendry rowed away from Dragonstone.

With an ultimate cocky dick move, The Night’s King stands on the dock and watches Jon float away. He resurrects the fallen Wildlings just to prove he can, and that the humans stand no chance facing an enemy like this. The interesting bit was the way in which he resurrected them. I mean, they could’ve had him resurrect the bodies in any fashion, but they chose him raising his arms which I associate with 1. Come at me, bro and 2. Are you not entertained? from Gladiator. I don’t think this was a coincidence, but another subconscious cue to the audience. Shit just got so real that they didn’t even need dramatic music as the newly born Wights rise from the ground. Just the ominous sound of wind; the sound that winter has come.

Conclusion

So, obviously there’s a lot to take in. Some predictions I have that aren’t based on the books mostly involve Jon’s storyline now that we’re in fairly uncharted territory. For one, I think Jon will send Sam away to research the production of Valyrian steel now that we know what it can do. It takes dragon’s fire to forge it, and spells to bind it. We already have three dragons just chilling in Essos waiting to be useful, so I think it’s Sam who will uncover the spells needed to complete the recipe. Related to this is a borderline tin foil hat theory, that The Iron Throne itself (being forged by the fire of Balerion the Black Dread) could itself be comprised of Valyrian steel. If that were the case, there’s thousands of blades on there to dismantle and use in the coming war. Either way, I look forward to where they’re going with all this. Until next week, stay warm. Winter’s already here.