by

BATH – Standing nearly 175 feet tall and weighing 900 tons, a giant robot replica of U.S. Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine) was unveiled yesterday by Bath Iron Works.

The remarkably life-like machine took two years to build at a cost of $70 million, said BIW spokesman Jim DeMartini. The Navy commissioned it to wade into the ocean and stomp on enemy submarines.

The robot’s voice, eerily similar to that of the senator, says, “I am proud to serve the people of Maine” over and over again.

“We designed it to ward off enemy ships,” explained DeMartini. “Anyone hearing that more than twice starts gagging and has no choice but to turn around and go home.”

On hand for the unveiling ceremony, Collins herself expressed gratitude for the shipyard, Maine’s largest employer, paying homage to the fact that it would not exist without her political influence.

“This robot is proof that the People of Maine have the skills and work ethic to compete with anyone as long as they have me working on their behalf,” said Collins.

At this point, Olympia Snowe tried to inch closer to Collins so she could be in view of TV cameras, too, but Collins slapped her and angrily told her to “get back in the car, bitch.”

-30-