There’s a guy I know, but not well. He’s polite and friendly. He’s average looking. He means well. As far as I can tell, he’s a good citizen. And yet, every time I see him, I want to beat him to death with a shovel and bury him in a shallow grave.

I don’t know why I have this feeling about him. It’s just chemistry. He doesn’t do a single thing wrong. He just gives off a strong “kill me” vibe. Out of curiosity, I checked with a friend, and I’m not the only one who feels this way about him. Ten seconds after he opens his mouth, you want him dead.

You would think evolution would have weeded out the “kill me” gene a long time ago. If evolution can’t handle an easy job like that, it’s got a lot of explaining to do, unless this guy can run unusually fast, or his skull is extra thick.

I know enough about this fellow’s life to know things aren’t working out for him professionally or personally. This is not a huge surprise. I feel sorry for him, although the pity is somewhat muted by the feeling of wanting to pound a railroad spike through his head.

Luckily, I have enough self-control to not attack him. But I do worry about running into him when I’m shopping at Shovels-r-Us. I’d hate to be testing out a new shovel for weight and balance when he walks around the corner. BUH-TANG!!!! And then he’d just stand there with his thick ol’ skull and his stupid smile, saying something like “You should be careful with that thing. That’s the third time today someone hit me with a shovel.”

Do you know someone like that?