I will write this when I’m less hungover

Last night I went to a loft party in Brooklyn. I had a long week, so I was excited to unwind a bit and have a good time. It was the first nice night of the year, so I sat on the benches outside my condo and drank with Wing1 and Wing2. Nothing beats a beer and the Manhattan skyline.

When we get to the party, I grab drinks and we go into the back room, where a band was playing. The three-second rule is in play, so I open an attractive blonde to my right – we’ll call her HB7.

“Don’t look so bored – you’re killing the mood.”

“No, I’m having a good time!”

“Oh I’m sorry. Let me rephrase that. You look like you’re having the most fun out of anyone here.”

This exchange plays out exactly the same way every time. It’s an easy opener for those people that are in the corner and looking bored. We talk for a bit, but she is honestly pretty boring and I want to meet more people. I pull her wrist over to Wing1 and Wing2, introducing them as “the life of the party”. I eject the set, leaving her in their very capable hands (Wing1 would go on to k-close, if I’m not mistaken).

I recycle that opener to pretty much every set that was standing around looking bored. I consider it a public service to get people into the swing of the party. My fee is the k-close I collect from it.

After opening all the sets at the party, I can relax. I bounce around from set to set and just enjoy myself. After a while of this, I see HB8 sitting on a couch next to some sort of hairy animal.

I look over from my group of new friends and wave my hand in a “come-here” fashion. Getting her to come over to you is a great advantage if you can swing it. It’s in the same vein as the compliance ladder.

“We need a woman’s perspective on this.”

“Joe’s girlfriend only lets him go out one night a week. We all think this is bullshit, but we’re obviously biased. Thoughts?”

She answers with something that was in support of the girlfriend. I interrupt her explanation and feign outrage.

“Here I am, inviting you into the most interesting group at the party, and then you stab me in the back?” Playful outrage is such an easy tactic, though I may lean on it a bit too long sometimes. After introducing them to everyone in this group, I ask if she has a smoke I can bum (I knew she did, because she smelled like cigarettes).

We step outside and smoke. She doesn’t believe that I just met that group because “they all seemed to love you!” There’s your social proofing. I explain that I used to be a really shy guy, but I made an effort to become outgoing. Now I talk to everybody. For whatever reason, I can tell that this makes her really into me. Some people have the weirdest turn-ons.

“That’s really doing it for you, isn’t it?” The question takes her off guard, and she just smiles a bit. That’s a yes. I mention how hungry I am, and she suggests finding somewhere to get food.

We start walking, with her leading since I don’t know the neighborhood. We find some diner that is open and grab seats at the bar (do you call it a bar in a diner? I don’t know). I open the woman taking our orders. She’s like 45 and UG-3, but I legitimately enjoy talking to people. Plus I know already that HB8 is very impressed by it.

We eat some food and talk some more, and I’m just killing it. When we leave (she offers to pay, and I accept because hey, free food) she says she doesn’t really want to head back to the party.

“I only live a few blocks over. Let’s have a few drinks there.”

You can extrapolate from there.

What I learned:

Open everybody. Bounce around the party and talk to every set. It gets you in the right state of mind and then everybody there can act as social proof.

Be observant. I noticed she smelled like cigarettes, so I was able to use that to isolate her. Once you have a target isolated, it’s smooth sailing.

The hairy animal on the couch was actually two hipsters making out.