Continue Reading Below Advertisement

I guess so. Huh.

Could you at least pretend to give one single leaping goddamn?

It's funny, because I'd have thought they'd have quite a bit of fear and respect for you. You're their creator, after all, their feeder, their master. They should recognize your scent and defer to you.

You're right! They've never attacked me before.

OK. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to re-establish yourself as the dominant male.

Got it.

I want you to slowly lower your pants.

What?

You'd better hurry up.

Done.

Now pee on the ground. Beat your chest while you do so. Show them your scent.

This had better work.

Getty

According to pee scientists, the most territorial of scientists, it will.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

At the very least you won't piss yourself when you get the Executive Grope. What's happening?

Teddy Roosevelt seems wary. So do the other male presidents.

And the presidentresses?

Uh-oh.

What is it?

The lady presidents seem ... excited.

I knew you were bringing huge milkshake.

I think I'm just going to run.

Leave your pants! There's no time!

I think there's time!

Not now! Not after we've spent all this time arguing!

Dammit! They're still chasing me!

Still? Are you still peeing?

Yes!

Stop it!

I can't!

Run faster than your pee!

Now it's getting on me!

Run backward then!

This is going much much slower.

Run faster backward!

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

FUCK YOU!

Are you nearly there yet?

Yes, finally. The helicopter pilot waited for me!

Pee on him! No! Don't!

I didn't, thanks. But he still doesn't look impressed.

Is it cold out?

What? Fuck you. Oh no!

What is it?

Lady Martin Van Buren has jumped into the helicopter with me! He/She is speaking!

I didn't know they could do that. What's he/she saying?

She loves me and wants to come back to America with me.

Huh.

Yeah.

Huh.

So what should I do?

Congratulations on completing this guide. You're no longer trapped in a theme park out of control. Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide So Your Sin Against Nature Has Proposed to You.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and tell him what a spectacular idiot he is.