TORONTO – OMA President Dr Nadia Alam has issued an apology to all recreational cannabis users for calling the soon-to-be-legal substance a gateway drug and is offering free prescriptions to highly addictive opiates.

“My words have caused people pain, so I would like to prescribe 40 pills of oxycodone to anyone I have offended,” said Dr Alam with her pen ready to make amends. “While there are some side-effects of cannabis use, they would not be as severe as, say, an epidemic of prescription drug abusers that is currently happening in this country. We’re still trying to get to the bottom of that one.”

Alam said that in no way can recreational cannabis lead to harder drugs such as hydromorphone, morphine, and fentanyl, which, as a reminder, will be prescribed to patients who report even the slightest of discomfort.

“We have no concerns that cannabis consumption will undercut our kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies for prescribing opioids. Cannabis users will eventually injure their back, require a hip surgery, or even have their wisdom teeth removed,” explained Alam speaking for Ontario’s doctors. “And our physicians will be right there to lead them on their gateway to recovery.”

If recreational cannabis users are not entirely satisfied with the prescribed apology, doctors will up their dosage.