Things I did not fuck with:

The opening crawl reads like a fan film

It feels like we’ve missed a film before this one

The sheer amount of cuts in the first ten minutes alone

I’m pretty sure the film needs to give an epilepsy warning due to how scatterbrained the editing is

They don’t justify how Palpatine survived hahahahahaha

Episodes I-VI now amount to nothing

Adam Driver, maybe the best actor working today can’t save this script. He’s too good for this film :(

Chris Terrio should never work again. Batman V Superman, Justice League and now this. What hits!

The film has like 15 exposition dumps, Jesus.

Palpatine’s appearance while at first unsettling comes across as cheap after a few shots

Finn’s entire role is him being pussy-whipped

Poe has zero development

Rey’s introduction is visually laughable

Flat cinematography from start to finish

Carrie Fisher from beyond the grave was just unsettling

You can tell they had to cater whatever dialogue they had of Carrie to service the scene

NOTHING happens organically

Four McGuffins. (Maybe more actually idk)

Fetch quest the movie, go here to get this and then go there and get that with no real resolution

Why did Kylo piece his helmet together? Was it cause Driver was unavailable for certain scenes and they needed to use a body double? Because that’s only excuse I can think of

Thought the humour in The Last Jedi was bad? Wait for this.

No chemistry between the three leads, all they do is argue. No sense of camaraderie whatsoever

All character introductions are lame, oh hi Lando!

Worst score Williams has ever penned, bland as fuck.

Out of field force powers that have never been alluded to

Did you like Rose? Unlucky for you.

New characters are 2D, we spend no time with them

The film literally never stops

Action set pieces every second scene making none of it satisfying, especially that fucking ending JESUS

The new droid is annoying as it is pointless

Knights of Ren are a joke, Snoke’s royal guards are stronger

In-your-face retcons followed by double downs of The Last Jedi, who is this film for? What are they trying to say?

No subtext whatsoever aside from... rely on your friends?

Hamill phones it in, just terrible line delivery

His force ghost looks weird

Remember space chess?

Remember training with the blast shield down?

Remember the Death Star?

Remember the Throne Room?

Remember Yoda lifting the X-wing?

JJ, Nostalgia isn’t impressive. Show us new things.

EMBARRASSING cameos. Every single one.

Tensionless Action throughout

Why did they bother casting Dominic Monaghan

-REDACTED-‘s death scene made me laugh

I laughed with the film once, laughed at it maybe 15 times

Wholly unsatisfying conclusion to not only this but each trilogy before, just incoherent desperate nonsense.

None of the fan service is satisfying either

Star Destroyers can now blow up planets Hahahahahaha

Bog standard production design, dull sets

Failed Avengers... Assemble moment

Final confrontation made me squirm numerous times

Palpatine is a joke, his character is forever tarnished

How the fuck did he amass an armada this big?

Space battles are boring as hell

Final assault is lame

Film spells everything out for you, no nuance at all

I’ve mentioned this once before but I’ll say it again... THE. FILM. DOESNT. FUCKING. JUSTIFY. PALPATINE’S. SURVIVAL.

Predictable Kylo “arc”

Rey’s lineage is an absolute embarrassment, it retroactively makes the two previous films worse

Aside from a one neat flourish we’ve seen it all before

Convenience overload, characters just appear where the plot needs them to (bad screenplay)

Slapdashed structure with zero pacing

Literally any interesting idea The Last Jedi put forward isn’t continued, Kylo being the worst victim

The ending is the ultimate cringe fest, Palpatine’s resolution made me hide my head in my hands I couldn’t believe that was it.

Maz giving Chewie -REDACTED- is the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I almost had a stroke.

The film never escapes the feeling of being a desperate attempt to appeal to as many people as possible. I am honestly dumbfounded this found its way to print.

The final shot is the safest thing I’ve seen in my life.

This trilogy as a whole is a cobbled together mess, it’s evident Lucasfilm / Kennedy had no plan for it.

Nothing in this film tests the viewer, I felt numb watching it. If Star Wars keeps this up the franchise will be irrelevant by the end of the upcoming decade. Show us new shit please and thank you. Hyperbole aside this may be the worst film I’ve ever seen. I’d genuinely rather watch Attack of the Clones and I’d never in my life thought I’d say that sentence but here we are. At least Disney gave us Baby Yoda, right?