Chief Ofsted inspector Mark Teachers announced today he would be launching a special investigation into the University of Life, based in Thanet.

A lower-level investigation is planned in Swanley’s School of Hard Knocks. Mr Teachers said:

“Having researched the Facebook profiles of those who have stated they attended these establishments, I have concluded that the teaching conducted there actually lacks any validity in terms of basic literacy, rational thought or logical ability. Put simply, these people are fucking imbeciles.”

The Dean of Anti-Social Studies at the University of Life, Pork Goldfrapp defended the establishment saying:

“Standards are improving among students taking our ‘Racial Hatred and Religious Bigotry’ foundation course. Many of them now bear comparison to mince, rather than pigshit.”

When told of the pending investigation, teaching assistant Jayduh Frankstein panicked:

“Get the teaching fees hidden! Stash them in Pork’s offshore account! I’ve paid a deposit on a nose job!”

Vice Chancellor Farage stated confidently:

“The University continues to provide the least intelligent members of the community with a perverse source of self-justification. We continue to hand out a considerable number of our highest degree, the Racist BA (starred) every year. At only five faaahsand pounds, they are great value.”