GLASTONBURY optimism and pursuit of the vibe has been replaced with dead-eyed ennui, it has been confirmed.

Before a single bongo has been played in anger, most campers have had at least one suicidal thought, typically whilst watching a river of trustafarian effluence pour past their tent.

Student Nikki Hollis, said: Emmas spent the last three hours trying to throttle herself with an Indian healing bracelet and with nothing to look forward to but Jake Bugg, I cant blame her.

When we left Saffron Waldon we were high on optimism and WKD but now I look into the only shard of mirror that survived a train journey packed with jugglers and all I see is a hollow skull of despair and face paint.

The weather continues to be neither pleasant nor entertainingly awful and booths have been set up to help people cope with the realisation they have paid the price of a holiday in Tuscany to camp in a farm whilst listening to XFM.

Meanwhile the lineup of acts has been assessed by psychiatrists as capable of causing self-harm in a Teletubby, with organisers now realising that Mumford and Sons could ‘trigger another Jonestown’.

Hollis added: Its like the end of Apocalypse Now but instead of repeating the horror I keep whispering the falafel.