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If you read my last piece on how to write like Jimmy McGuinness and were planning your own media career based on my analysis we all got out-played by the man himself this week when he inverted the paradigm by writing an article about an actual GAA game rather than just writing about himself as usual.

So this week I’ll focus on replicating the writing style of those unique band of GAA commentators from the shaft of the Dingle peninsula, the Kerry legend.

So let’s get started on a 4 point plan to get your own weekly mortgage-paying gig at a national newspaper.

Before we start you need a good “as Gaeilge” name as using your own moniker won’t cut the mustard. So try a pseudonym like Mo Connelach or Sean Og O’Milsean.

1. Feeling sad about the downfall of Cork GAA

All good Kerry legend articles begin with a lamenting nod to a recent defeat of Cork. While your neighbours on the other side of Kenmare Bay wont fall for your auld “tis fierce sad how Cork have declined over the last few years” nonsense your average Indo reader sitting in their 3 bed in Palmerstown won’t have a clue that secretly every card-carrying member of the Kingdom fan club is dancing around a big bonfire piled high with boxes of Barry’s tea and effigies of Michael Collins and Graham Norton every time Cork get a beating. They’ll admire your sporting bonhomie, ignorant to your fake back slapping and unaware that while Real Madrid need Barca and Celtic need Rangers, Kerry couldn’t give the square root of six f#cks what happens to Cork GAA. If you are running short on copy try to throw in some old guff about being enemies when you walk across the white line and the best of friends when the final whistle goes. This kind of plamassing works equally well with earnest hand wringing about the shoddy treatment of Aidan O’ Shea or how dare people question the commitment of the Mayo team who are surely just a few points away from taking Sam back to Mick Byrnes bar in Castlebar from those swankypants Dubs.

So kick off with “As I watched the final point curl over the bar from James O‘Donoghue I couldn’t help but feel a great sadness for all the loyal and knowledgeable Cork fans who must wait another year for a chance to beat Kerry. Sure they were only the hop of a ball away (2 goals and 12 points) from beating a very lucky Kerry side. I’ve played in a dozen provincial finals against Cork down the years and you were always guaranteed a fierce physical battle especially in Pairc Ui Chaoimh. You’d be sitting on the bus having a bit of craic (Charlie Nelligan was always looking to play charades on the trip to kill time) but as soon as you got a sniff of the River Lee you knew you were going to have a tough day. We’d often stop off in Millstreet on the way back home to buy Clonakilty black pudding for the breakfast and I’d often bump into Billy Morgan or Dave Barry who would buy you a pint and offer to polish your medal for you.”

Pictured above: An average Kerry team. Ironically smiling in a photo was frowned upon.

2. Among the people of South Kerry

Whether you’ve the summer off from teaching Irish and have loads of time to be watching an under 12 game in Castleisland or have a few hours off from running the family pub in Dingle or busy stopping Dubs for minor traffic offences on their way to a camping holiday in West Kerry in your role as local Garda sergeant (extra points for holding down the teaching job AND running the family pub) try to squeeze in a few paragraphs about meeting increasingly nervous natives who don’t fancy the Kingdoms chances in the coming game against whoever is up next. Your next opponents are hurting from a recent defeat/series of unfair refereeing decisions/feeling unrepresented on Winning Streak so have Kerry firmly in their sights. If they’ve beaten Kerry at any stage (including during the War of independence) make sure to drag that in with the kitchen sink. Plus you have a relation within the Kerry camp who says things aren’t going well.

“I was down in my aul lads pub in Annascaul last week marking essays on Peig Sayers and I noticed a normally exuberant local looking fierce forlorn. “Are you alright there Sean? “ I asked. “Arra I’m worried about this match against Carlow next Sunday. They’re waiting in the long grass for us ever since they came second in the Rose of Tralee back in 1963.” he opined. I couldn’t help but feel his worry was well founded as word reached me from my nephew Bomber Beag that preparations weren’t going to plan.”



3. Dublin reverse compliment

You will inevitably have to write a piece about the Dubs so good form here is to employ classic Kerry cute hoorism. By referring to them as one of the great teams you are covertly elevating the great Kerry teams of the 70’s to even greater heights whilst also relegating the Dubs to wannabees. And the tag of greatness is a movable feast so if the Dubs get 2 in a row then a truly great team would win 3 in a row etc.

I wouldn’t be throwing garlands at the Dubs so a quick reference to one of the less annoying ones is fine and leave it at that. Don’t be going “Full Spillane” and saying they’re only mighty or you’ll end up with an article on page 45 of the Sunday World squeezed between Father Brian Darcy and a page of ads for line dancing classes in Mullingar. And don’t forget that most of the Dubs have Kerry daddies or have mammies who were ‘infiltrated’ by a bit of Kerry genius.

So here’s your next paragraph.

“When you look at this Dublin team you have to admire the skill and athleticism of some of them. Bernard Brogan, James McCarthy and Cian O’ Sullivan for example. And the other Brogan lad as well. And while they all wear the blue of Dublin inside everyone of them is a Kerry man bursting to get out. But you also have to pay grudging tribute to Stephen Cluxton who mastered kicking a ball really far sometimes even reaching his own man.

There is no doubt that if they got rid of some of the more “towny” Dubs with the soccer haircuts, neck tattoos, official courtesy cars and mouthy girlfriends they could be nearly as good as any of the great (Kerry) teams that have ever played the game.



4. Mandatory Paidi or Micko anecdote

Finally to really evoke and reinforce the unique brand that is Kerry football you must include a story about either of these two greats. One golden rule here which can’t be broken is to NEVER use their surnames.

Normal people have surnames but you must refer to Paidi and Micko the way most people refer to Gods and Brazilian footballers. That is; use one name only. Only a rookie would use their full names.

You will also lose credibility for referring to any of the other former Kerry managers like Jack O’Connor or even Eamon Fitzmaurice who are fine managers but aren’t the latter two Greats. The anecdote should refer to some tale of cute hoorism such as escaping a speeding ticket or such like, or spotting a lad on the panel having a sneaky one in a pub seemingly miles away from prying eyes. Needless to say in all cases the other party or parties were completely out foxed by either afore-mentioned gent, everyone had a big laugh about it, didn’t get kicked off the panel and acknowledged all this at length in their own weekly column in another national newspaper.

“I’ll never forget the time one of the lads from the under 21’s was having a tough aul time of it with a nurse he met in Coppers so he flew to Tierra Del Fuego to get away from it all. He was sitting in his tent on the slope of a ice-crusted mountain having just cracked open a bottle of corona when the zip flew down on the tent door and who stuck his head in only the bould Micko!. Startled, the young lad dropped the beer bottle to which Micko said “with sloppy hands like that I can’t be picking you for the weekend.” and sauntered off down the mountain into the icy Chilean night.

If you’re interested here’s another guide on how to write like Jimmy Mcguinness here

Pope Benedict: his father was a mussel polisher from Ventry who played in goal for Kerry during the 1920’s after the first choice keeper stood on a landmine at home.

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