Dear helmets:

You guys are my favorite hats.

Sure, other headwear may be more stylish, more “cool,” easier to put on slightly sideways to suggest some, well, whatever it is the kids are trying to communicate these days, but you are the best, to me.

I have fond memories of bouncing you off linebackers who outweighed me by 50 pounds, bouncing you off the asphalt on city streets, even bouncing you off the occasional tree whilst mountain biking.

Thanks for taking the impact from that rock in the Black Canyon that my partner accidentally brushed off from 120 feet up, and the other baseball-sized one that my friend accidentally kicked off that sport climb in Boulder Canyon, and the other one that popped off that route in Big Thompson Canyon, and the other one … well, you get the point. Remember when those rocks hit you? You were like, “Whatever,” and they just bounced off—there’s no way I could have done that. I would have been curled up in the fetal position, holding the bleeding part of my scalp and moaning in excruciating pain. Like a CHUMP. So thanks.

I’m sure you know people say negative things about you, like you’re too hot, or too bulky, or you make it hard to meet attractive members of the opposite sex while on alpine rock climbs or the skate park or whatever. Don’t worry about that. Mustaches went through a long stretch of not being cool between the end of Magnum, P.I. and like 2009, but then they came back big, and the people who wear them seem to do OK in the dating world, so just hang on, your time is coming.

Hell, John Sherman wears one bouldering, and that guy is a LEGEND. He once wrote:

“These days, if I can’t find a legitimate reason not to wear a helmet (I’ll never get through the Harding Slot with this on), I wear one. Which is 98% of the time. Vanity is a weakness, not an excuse.”

Or, as comedian Denis Leary once said, “Life sucks, get a fucking helmet.”

How many other hats have a band named after them? Well, not too many bands who have as many fans as Helmet does.

Sometimes people downplay say things like “I’m a good skier” or “I’m only riding my bike a short distance,” and I defend you by saying “Lots of other people suck at skiing,” or “People texting behind the wheel don’t give a shit how far you’re riding your bike when they accidentally hit you.”

Here’s a brief list of cool people who wear helmets:

Danny MacAskill

Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman

Darth Vader

Vikings

Daft Punk

Felix Baumgartner

Astronauts

My friend BJ

Firefighters

People’s kids

Helmets, I’m pretty sure I love you as much as this guy does:

Thanks for providing a protective shell around my skull, and for enabling me to claim “helmet hair” is a hairstyle.

-Brendan

[Image screen captured from amazing GIF at http://imgur.com/bOpFAhL]