Explosions in the Sky – A song for our fathers

“Wake up.”

Peek at the time. You’ve been sleeping for 7 hours. Longest you’ve slept all month. Still doesn’t feel like enough. All you want to do is lie in bed, so you do. Another hour or two of passes. Nothingness. You tell yourself it’s time filled with thorough and gentle reflection. Lies. Your thoughts eat you up. Outside looks grey.

“Fuck off and get up.”

Drag yourself from bed. Begin your series of mundane routines. Tooth-brushing, showering, getting ready, even your morning piss – all done half-assed. You’re already rueing your decision to leave the bed. All your actions involve you staring down past the ground looking towards the hell that awaits you. Hell is not a fiery hateful place. It’s a dull, colourless space.

“Late again.”

You’re not hungry. Grab a banana as the coffee sears your tongue, it may give you energy. It doesn’t. Apathy consumes you. You give yourself a once over in the mirror. You knew you’d look like shit. Eyes hold no passion. A corpse looks livelier. All you see is a shell of flesh. You’re lingering too long.

“Out, into the world.”

Everything you encounter already irritates you. The default setting is set to “frustrated”. You drown everything out and plug your ears with music you once loved. It’s all just noise. Eyes adopt a glazed look. Step unto the bus and ignore everyone. Bury your focus unto your mobile device. You arrive to where you have to be. Avoid eye contact. Exchange pleasantries only if prodded. Answer in a deep, barely audible tone. They don’t hear but assume you’ve said actual words. You intend to get work done. Instead you space out. Accomplish a miniscule amount of work. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Your indifference doesn’t even worry you anymore.

Go home for lunch. Make a sandwich. Don’t finish eating it. Decide to forego whatever it was you had to do the rest of the day. Spend the rest of the day on whatever activity occupies you. Drugs, alcohol, the internet, idle chatting. Whatever keeps you from yourself. Time passes faster this way.

“It’s dark out.”

It means you get to go to bed soon. Reflect on your day. Re-edify that you hate yourself for not accomplishing anything. Your self-loathing is a familiar feeling. It’s welcomed. You realize nary a word escaped your lips today. Lie in bed contemplating emptiness. Try to remember times when you were happier. That era will never return. The apathy is too enormous to overcome. There is no motivation or ambition. Any effort you make is buried under indifference. You feel trapped. You lie awake. The tiredness of your day doesn’t translate to sleep.

Life is over-rated. It all amounts to a captivating mediocrity.

“Live with yourself and waste away.”