There’s a modern feminist adage that women need to “ask for more”. We’ve been taught to underestimate our value – whether in salary negotiations or personal relationships – and if women just demanded what we’re really worth, we’re told, we might just get it.

But if the backlash to #MeToo has shown us anything, it’s that people don’t much like it when women refuse to settle for the bare minimum. The current criticism of the movement – sparked in earnest by accusations against Aziz Ansari – really comes down to outrage that women would dare ask for more.

It’s one thing for us to ask men to stop raping us, or to not rub their erections against us while we walk by at the office; the law already says these things are wrong. But wanting men to only have sex with women who enthusiastically say yes – rather than those so worn down they stop saying no – is apparently a bridge too far.

We’re told romance wouldn’t survive if men couldn’t pursue women who said “no” the first time, or that men are hormonally destined to have brutal sexualities. Most of all, I keep hearing that men who have behaved like Ansari have done nothing wrong. That they haven’t broken the law.

But #MeToo is not about what’s legal, it’s about what’s right. It’s true that women are fed up with sexual violence and harassment; but it’s also true that what this culture considers “normal” sexual behavior is often harmful to women, and that we want that to stop, too.

In a horrifying but brilliant piece for The Week, Lili Loofbourow writes about how often women are in pain during sex – a fact often ignored by culture and science, so long as men are still having “good” sex. We live in a world, essentially, that “sees female pain as normal and male pleasure as a right”.

That’s why women are more focused on shifting norms than enforcing the ones we already have. But for the people who thought #MeToo would stop at rape or serial sexual harassment, this feels like “overstepping”. It’s far easier for men to agree to simply follow the law than it is to rethink all they’ve been taught about sex, desire and power. That would require work beyond wearing a “Time’s Up” pin or retweeting a hashtag.

The people who are outraged – or even just concerned – about the direction of this movement should ask themselves whether they’re comfortable with sexual norms that say anything short of rape is OK. Or if they want a world where women’s pain and fear is treated as an expected part of romantic and sexual interactions.

Right now, women are asking for more than the bare minimum they’ve been taught to expect. They’re asking for a standard of behavior that sees them as full human beings rather than sexual objects. They’re demanding that their desires and safety are universally accepted in the way that men’s are.

The “more” they want is really not that much at all. In truth, it’s the least we could do.

Jessica Valenti is a Guardian columnist

Sign up for the Guardian US opinion newsletter