Being a former soldier who once ran a security business protecting heads of state, you would not think Mark* would be a victim of domestic abuse.

He was strong, powerful, determined. He was protection for many.

But he was not protected against his partner.

Mark is in his 50s and lives near London. He is one of 2.4million men who have experienced domestic abuse in their lives and has spoken to Metro.co.uk about his experience.


Mark joined the army at 18 and served for almost 13 years. After leaving the army, he spent many years running his own security business, working to protect high net worth individuals.



He would visit heads of state and foreign government ministers, working in challenging environments with clients and security teams from all over the world.

He later moved to Wales, where he worked within a maximum-security facility for 140 male patients that have secure care needs.

While living in Wales, Mark endured physical and mental challenges of domestic abuse, which ultimately led him to leaving his partner and fleeing to England.

He met his partner, Sarah* through a close friend around 12 years ago.

They had got to know each other and eventually agreed to go out on a date.

Mark tells Metro.co.uk: ‘I knew that Sarah was a bit of a party animal but that was one of the things that attracted me.

‘She was beautiful, funny and dangerous. I was a fool because I sensed trouble but ignored it.

‘I was working as a security professional at the time, looking after some very important people.

‘It was a job that took many skills but one of them was confidence. I was a very confident, outgoing individual. Certainly not someone that you would think would become a victim of domestic abuse.’

Over the coming weeks, Mark discovered that Sarah was married but separated and had sent her young son to live with relatives, due to Sarah’s issues with drinking and drugs.

Mark says this had ‘sent her into a destructive spiral’.

He continued: ‘All the red lights were there but I also discovered something horrific from her childhood. It’s not my place to go into details here, but it was enough for me to want to stand beside her, to love her and to try to show her that not all men were scumbags.

‘I guess I saw myself as a knight in shining armour, which I guess is a little arrogant but I fell for her and wanted to help her.

‘I didn’t realise it at the time but over the coming months, I was carefully manipulated into a position of isolation, especially as I have no real family in the UK.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘Things had already become volatile and a pattern had emerged when she was drinking. She would be happy and playful for a while, then she would become overtly sexual, even with other people in the house.



‘After that, her mood would dip and she would become spiteful and unpleasant, then the fists would come out.

‘She said that she wanted to move away, to be closer to her family and start a fresh. I moved with her, giving up my rented home of eight years and everything in it. As well as moving away from my friends. I was told that there was no room at the new place for my things.

‘Within days, she attacked me, punching me so hard in the face that she broke her hand.

‘The police became involved and I was arrested. Yes, me! It was force policy in domestic abuse situations, to remove one person from the property to prevent further escalation.

‘I was not on the rent agreement – as I was not allowed to be, [for] more control for her, I just paid the bills – so I was told by the police that I had to leave.

‘When I questioned this, I was arrested, dragged from the house and thrown in cells until the following day.

‘On this occasion, I received a visit from the Chief Constable, who apologised in person for my treatment. There were many other incidents after this. I just kept my head down and made excuses for her.

‘Each time it happened, I thought about her past and told myself that one, day, she would realise that I wasn’t the enemy.’

Sarah later announced another move. Her parents got together and begged him not to go with her, telling him that she would ‘destroy’ him.


He responded by saying that if he didn’t stand by her, who would?

Sarah promised Mark that things would be better, that she could get her son back and be happy again. They moved.

Again, Mark was not allowed to be on the rent agreement. He got a job, paid the bills, and the abuse got worse.

He was now in a low-paid job. He had no car, lived in a small village miles from anywhere, and had no family to turn to. He was completely isolated.

Eventually, Sarah became pregnant. At the time, Mark wasn’t sure the baby was his, but he stood by her.

He tells us: ‘Then it happened, the abuse, the violence – stopped. Just like that. And for almost a year, our relationship was perfect. I thought it was over. I thought that the tide had turned.

‘Our beautiful daughter was born, she was mine, but Sarah did something strange. She refused to put me on the birth certificate. Then, she didn’t give our daughter her name, but her maiden name.

‘A couple of months later, I was attacked again.

‘This time though, things were hugely different. I was attacked whilst I was holding our daughter, who at the time was choking.

‘As I was trying to clear her airway, I was punched hard in the face. I instinctively covered our daughter with my body as the blows rained down.

‘I was screaming at her to stop, which she eventually did but she continued to scream abuse at me. Her reason: the way I had asked her to hand over our daughter so I could administer first aid.


‘Little did I know that this was the turning point. The shock of being attacked again, whilst holding our baby, tipped me over the edge and I had a breakdown. I collapsed at work and ended up telling my occupational health department everything.

‘Because a child was involved, they were duty bound to inform social services. The police had always treated me as the perpetrator and my partner as the victim but when I was called in to be interviewed by social services, it was the first time in about three years that I received positive help.

‘The lady that interviewed me listened to my story and took immediate action. I was terrified that we would lose our baby but I was equally terrified of what my partner would do when she found out that I had told anyone what was going on.

‘Sarah was interviewed and eventually admitted the attack.’

After Mark was called back in, he was told that Sarah had admitted the attack, but had claimed that she had been provoked. The lady at social services told him that there were ‘two kinds of abuser’.

The first: A person who admitted they had an issue and wanted to work to change their behaviour.

The second: The person that denied they had an issue and blamed everything on the victim. Robert was told Sarah was the latter.

He was told to go home, to pack a bag and to leave. But the social worker told him she knew he wouldn’t do that, because she could ‘see it in his face’ and ‘hear it in his words’.

She added that on average, it takes 30 serious assaults before victims of domestic abuse actually try to leave.

Mark continued: ‘I don’t recall how long it was before I did leave but I eventually got myself a flat in the village and moved out.

‘Unfortunately, things were about to get a lot worse.

‘One weekend Sarah asked if she could come around to see me and talk things over. Like a fool, I agreed.

‘Her behaviour followed its usual pattern and I could see things were going to turn nasty, so I asked her to leave. I had our daughter for the weekend and she was asleep in her cot.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘When I asked Sarah to leave, she exploded and attacked me violently. She was screaming at me, hitting me and then said she was taking our daughter.

‘I tried to block her by standing in front of the bedroom door but she attacked me again. I dialled 999 and begged the police to get there ASAP. She grabbed the phone, hung up and beat me about the face with it.

‘She got into our daughters’ room and I tried to restrain her using the minimum amount of force.

‘I was terrified on several levels. Terrified she was going to hurt our baby as she was so drunk and terrified, I would be arrested again despite doing nothing.

‘I grabbed her by the wrists to protect myself and to drag her from our daughters’ room. I got the phone again and dialed 999.

‘I was screaming for help down the phone. Then I decided to run. I ran out of the flat, locked her in with our baby so that she could not take her and called the police again.

‘When they arrived, we were both arrested and taken to the police station, along with our daughter.

‘Sarah refused to say anything and was released with our daughter. I was told that because I had admitted grabbing her by the wrists and pulling her, I was to be charged with assault.

‘I was held overnight, taken to court in handcuffs, in a prison van and bailed for five months with the condition that I stayed away from Sarah and my baby.

‘During those five months, I was driven to the point of suicide.

‘I was a completely broken man. Violently attacked, mentally abused, verbally abused over a number of years. And again, being labelled the perpetrator, while my abuser walked free to gloat.

‘After five months of torture, waiting and wondering what was going to happen to me, the case was dropped on the day of my court appearance. The verdict: no case to answer!

‘I left Wales shortly after the case was dropped. I knew that I had to get as far away as possible. I left in a hire car with four small boxes of possessions. It was a truly heartbreaking day as I didn’t know if I would ever see my daughter again.’

Mark never made an official complaint because he didn’t feel there was ‘any point’.

He said: ‘As a man, the police and authorities don’t look at you as a victim. The stereotype is that the man is the perpetrator and the woman a victim and many police and people in authority still hold that view, even when the evidence is staring them in the face, as we have seen recently with the Alex Skeel documentary.

(Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

‘And I’m as much to blame because, decades earlier, as a [member of the police], I attended a number of domestic abuse situations involving service personnel.

‘I can honestly say that when I attended those situations, I never, not once, considered the victim to be the male.

‘It never entered my mind that a serviceman, whose job ultimately involves being trained to kill people, could ever be the victim of abuse from his wife.

‘I also had the attitude of, “Why don’t you just leave him?” when it came to female victims of abuse.

‘I’m now embarrassed by my lack of knowledge, compassion and understanding and I feel for the people that I dealt with all those years ago.

‘Little did I know at the time, that decades later I would get first-hand experience of what it was like to be a domestic abuse victim.’

It’s only been over the last few months that Mark has been able to open up about what has happened to him.

He feels it’s time for him to stand up and share his experience to help male domestic abuse victims across the world.

He said: ‘Domestic abuse against women gets wide spread coverage but abuse against men remains a taboo subject. Men need much more support and attitudes need to change.’

Despite the heartbreaking abuse, Mark would like to add that, though they are no longer together, he now has a good relationship with Sarah, who, along with her mother and sister, have all moved to support her to do a great job of raising his daughter.

He pays regular maintenance and sees his daughter during the school holidays.

Mark now travels giving talks and radio interviews about domestic abuse.

He tells us: ‘As a former Policeman and Protection Officer, I never believed that I could become the victim of domestic abuse. However, I’ve since learned, through my own experiences, that anyone can become a victim of this terrible crime.

‘My domestic abuse talks help people to recognise that they are actually in an abusive relationship, as many people do not see it as a domestic abuse situation until they are out of the relationship and can look back on it.

‘I talk about my own experiences and try to encourage people to take the first step to getting help.

‘I emphasise the need to not feel ashamed, which is a dominating factor in people (especially men) not reporting their abuse. And I end my talk by outlining the positive experiences that I’ve had after breaking free and surviving my abuse.

​’When talking to Police Forces and frontline agencies, I also outline my own experiences of dealing with those agencies as I battled to get help. I talk about how hard it was to get the support I needed because of victim and perpetrator stereotypes.

‘I am now an advocate for domestic abuse against men.’

‘I hope to raise awareness of male domestic abuse, in the hope that I can encourage men (and women) who are suffering from abuse, to come forward and seek the help that they need. ​

‘I hope to change the thought process of front-line staff, particularly police officers who attend domestic situations.

‘I would like them to keep an open mind and to consider that the man, regardless of his job or physical stature, may actually be the victim, and to offer him the same advice and support that they would, a female victim.’

*Names and some identifying details have been changed to protect the anonymity of those talked about in this article.

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