The Commentariat, as we know them, are famous for being self-parodies and have to keep getting more ridiculous just to maintain their celebrity

Lost in Showbiz is no mere newspaper column, you know. Rather, it is journalism's version of the Stork Club, the modern-day Bilderberg Group, in that inclusion proves one's centrality of some sort and, thus, it becomes an invaluable, even historic (© Michael Winner) document of our time, recording the movers, the shakers, heck, even the candlestick-makers.

Alexes Reid and James, Nancy dell'Olio – all the greats have been summoned here, summoned and duly scalped. Today, it is my proud honour to introduce a new crew to the Lost in Showbiz table, one that might stretch the concept of "celebrity" but seeing as they are described – by their defenders, no less – as "entertainers" and are all massively overpaid, they seem worthy of the slur. Readers, meet the American Commentariat.

Before we discuss the Commentariat individually, and this week's story specifically, let's acquaint ourselves with the background generally. There are many important differences between America and Britain: Marmite versus peanut butter and jelly, say; or Piers Morgan on ITV versus Piers Morgan on CNN. But perhaps the most striking one is that between the TV and radio news and the newspapers. Whereas in Britain news on the TV and radio is pretty neutral and the newspapers are unashamedly partisan, in the US – at least in regards to the broadsheets – it is absolutely the other way round. The TV news in the US, particularly on cable, is so deranged in its politicisation that the second most common complaint among Brits in America is that one cannot find decent news coverage on the airwaves (the first is that you have to specify in restaurants that you want "hot tea" or else you end up with a glass of cold liquidised brown sucrose with "lemon flavouring").

To a very large degree, it is the Commentariat who drive American TV and radio news coverage to the far reaches of the left and the right. Geraldo Rivera (Fox News), Rush Limbaugh (WABC), Bill O'Reilly (Fox News): these dudes are the middle-aged and male equivalent of Kim Kardashian, in that they became famous for being self-parodies and must continually up the ante of their own ridiculousness in order to maintain their fame.

Last month, a 16-year-old African American by the name of Trayvon Martin was shot in Florida by a man called George Zimmerman, who explained to police later that he acted in self-defence, even though the only artillery found on Martin was that notoriously lethal weapon, a packet of Skittles.

This case has caused a massive outcry in America and, for a while, it looked as if the rightwing Commentariat was going to struggle to find much to say against a dead child. In the past week, that has changed.

For those of us who grew up in America in the 80s, Rivera will always be the talkshow host whose eponymous programme, Geraldo, provided a forum on which white supremacists and black activists could beat each other up on camera. Martin Luther King, your dream has been realised, and by a mustachioed man named Geraldo.

Geraldo Rivera: not keen on hoodies. Photograph: Murdo Macleod

Proving that his sensitivity to race relations has not changed a jot in the past quarter of a century, Rivera announced on Fox News last week that the hooded sweatshirt Martin was wearing on the night "is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin's death as George Zimmerman was". After all, he continued, managing to speak despite the massive foot of stupidity lodged in his mouth, "every time you see someone sticking up a 7-11, the kid is wearing a hoodie. When you see a black or Latino youngster, you walk to the other side of the street."

Hurrah! An angle for the Commentariat had been unearthed. Rivera was later forced to issue what can be described as the most sarcastic apology ever uttered by someone over the age of 14 ("I apologise to anyone offended by what one prominent black conservative called my 'very practical and potentially lifesaving campaign urging black and Hispanic parents not to let their children go around wearing hoodies'.") Yet Bill O'Reilly swiftly came to Rivera's defence, telling him on his show "your advice was good advice". Oddly, Rivera and O'Reilly's loud concern about the effect of hooded sweatshirts on people's reputations did not seem to extend to themselves, seeing as the two of them had been photographed wearing the murderous garment. But no matter, a new hook had been found on which they could leverage greater publicity for themselves, stepping on a dead teenager's body as they climb ever upwards.

The ever-softly-spoken Rush Limbaugh then chucked in his tuppence, saying Zimmerman "just got a little zealous and so forth". Limbaugh, as you might have read, recently described a young woman by the name of Sandra Fluke as "a prostitute" who should put videos of herself having sex "online so we can all watch". Fluke, incidentally, is not a prostitute, but a law student, and one who argued to Democratic Members of Congress in favour of a private mandate for contraception, so Limbaugh's powers of description should be taken with a truckload of sodium.

Not that the leftwing Commentariat are much better behaved. Ridiculous blowhard Ed Schultz (MSNBC and radio) last year called a female radio host "a rightwing slut" while the often-brilliant-but-sometimes-not Bill Maher (HBO) used the c-word to describe Sarah Palin – which is almost more offensive in its laziness than its linguistic abuse. Yet the right wing is more important because, for whatever reason, they actually seem to hold sway over their political party, as proven by the GOP presidential candidates refusing to condemn Limbaugh's comments about Fluke.

If you ever wondered why and how political discourse in the US became so partisan, base and downright stupid, behold the Commentariat, and the way they have callously used Martin for their own self-publicity illustrates nicely their modus operandi, namely: "I'll say anything if it keeps me in the limelight and makes me money." If that isn't the definition of celebrity, I'll eat my remote control.