Arvind Kejriwal today came to the defense of Shazia Ilmi, saying she had said nothing that could be construed as communal. “Shaziaji allegedly says, ‘Muslims are too secular. They should be more communal,’ in the video. The words ‘communal’ and ‘secular’ are used interchangeably in India, sir. Now why should we take action against Ilmiji for this?” Kerji remarked to scribes while filing his nomination papers from Varanasi.

When someone pointed out that the Oxford dictionary lists ‘communal’ as the antonym of ‘secular’, Arvind was quick to dub Oxford as another one of Ambani’s agents. “Is that so?” he was quick to interject. “Then I’m afraid, with a sad heart, I will have to expose Oxford Dictionaryji also as an Ambani agent. Why should only dictionaries have the rights to define words? We believe in Swaraj. When we come to power, we’ll allow Mohalla sabhas to define words as they like.”

Arvind stressed these were his personal views and that the AAP internal Lokpal would take a considered view of the controversy. “Mein to aam aadmi hoon. Meri kya aukaat hai Shazia ji ko clean chit dene ka? [I am a common man. Who am I to give a clean chit to Shazia?] Our internal Lokpal headed by Prashantj and Yogendra Yadavji is seeing the video from all angles and will then seek an explanation from Shazia ji,” he assured AAP supporters.

Kejriwal said since the AAP internal Lokpal was looking into the matter, there was no need for the Election Commission to step in. “Other parties may defer the matter to the Election Commission but AAP is not like other parties. We hold ourselves to higher standards. Out internal Lokpal will study the video from all angles and either issue a clean chit or rap Shaziaji on the knuckles to conclusively settle the matter. After that, we will directly go to the people and explain our action. What can be a bigger court than the people’s court, yaar?” Kejriwal reckoned.

Shazia has offered to atone for her ‘play of words’ by even appearing on Newshour and subjecting herself to a frontal, no holds barred Arnab interrogation, if that helps limit damage to the fledgling party’s dwindling electoral prospects. However, the AAP high command has an even more diabolical punishment in store for her. “We have asked Yogendra Yadav to gently reprimand her with a heavy dose of self-righteous indignation, delivered in a sanctimonious tone,” Prashant Bhushan said. Shazia reportedly fainted after being informed of her impending punishment.

(Why was Arvind Kejriwal forced to wear a muffler during peak Delhi summer? Find out in our bestseller, UnReal Elections)