The luxury sex toy company, Lelo, recently published an infographic about the decline in “kinky” sex toy sales. It seems that the Fifty Shades of Grey fad may finally be coming to a close within the vanilla mainstream. However, even if these individuals didn’t find what they were looking for in whips and handcuffs, there’s still plenty of good sex advice to be taken from the kink community (the real, healthy sort — not E.L. James’ abusive misrepresentation). When BDSM gets mentioned, its basic tenets often get overlooked, crowded out of one’s mind by more risqué imagery. But those basics are exactly what every couple could benefit from.

1. Communication

While it may be a relationship flaw that you associate more with your grandparents, the sad fact is that many couples still engage in a lifetime of sex without ever having a discussion about it. They don’t tell their partner what feels good — or what would feel even better. They don’t communicate their fantasies or desires. In stark contrast are BDSM checklists (like this one), which bring all sorts of sexual acts out into the open. Discussions about one’s sexual history, desires, and limits are encouraged so that the people involved know how best to please one another. Most importantly, sex is seen as a fun and pleasurable experience to be shared, not something to be ashamed of.

2. Consent

Establishing this open line of communication takes the guessing game out of sexual activity. Each person knows what the other is comfortable with before they ever enter the bedroom (or dungeon). They know what limits can safely be pushed and what should be avoided entirely. Healthy BDSM relationships also recognize the importance of consent given freely and uninfluenced by mind-altering substances or circumstances.

3. Safewords

Even with the issue of consent discussed beforehand, sometimes sexual activity doesn’t go as planned. In BDSM play, there are usually 2 levels of safewords: a yellow word that means ‘slow down’ or ‘I need a break’ and a red word that means ‘stop everything now.’ Knowing that these words are available during sex keeps communication flowing. Of course there are always ‘no’ and ‘stop,’ but many people do not use those words except in extreme cases. Maybe they fear offending their partner, or maybe they are too embarassed to stop the action and say, “This really isn’t working for me right now. Could we try ___ instead?”

4. Safety

BDSM is big on safety, and for good reason. When you are exploring the fine line between pleasure and pain, you need to be sure not to do any lasting damage. But there are other ways of being safe that apply to vanilla couples as well. All couples need to be able to discuss their STI status and their preferred methods of protection from both STIs and pregnancy. Every individual should feel entitled to use protection. If a sexual partner will not agree to it, s/he obviously does not respect you or your body. That is a perfectly good reason to refuse sexual activity.

5. Foreplay

One way for vanilla folks to think of BDSM is that it involves a lot of foreplay. In fact, for professional Dominants, that’s basically all it is. A lot of time (sometimes several hours) is spent focusing on a partner’s body in ways that are not always explicitly sexual. Foreplay is good. It can increase intimacy, as well as make eventual intercourse more pleasurable. (If a female is aroused, her vagina will expand to create more insertable space.) Kink also seems to encourage people to get more creative with their foreplay methods, which can be good advice for everyone. For example, you can try using a feather duster in a more erotic way.

6. Aftercare

Aftercare is a time for reassurance, comfort, and debriefing at the end of a BDSM scene. All of the “he fell right asleep” jokes make it obvious that the vanilla world is aware of the importance of post-coital intimacy. However, debriefing is almost unheard of. Most people are probably afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings. But a simple, respectful discussion of “What did you enjoy the most? What were you not so keen on?” can be a really easy way to improve future sexual activity. Your partner cannot read your mind.

The important part of sex is not always what you’re doing in the bedroom — but how you’re doing it. Although we often separate the worlds of vanilla and kink, these principles can be universally applied to all healthy sexual relationships.