Anyone would agree, Archie comics are a fairly wholesome, squeaky clean read. They’re fun for a laugh, but would never offer anything edgy or risqué, right? Think again. In the 1970s, Archie and his pals were a bunch of crazed perverts.

Archie comics always captured the blinding slap-happy horniness of adolescence, but in the 70s things got kicked up a notch. The boys of Riverdale High are straight-up ‘unzipped’ – i.e. when a pretty girl crosses their line of sight, the wheels simply come off…

Remember those Tex Avery cartoons where the wolf would lose complete control when getting a look at a foxy dame? Well, every male student at Riverdale is just as maniacally randy. It’s like there’s something in the water – the whole school in a constant state of arousal!

Archie Andrews is a sucker for a pair of go-go boots. Can’t say as I blame him…. but is this necessary? I hope Veronica carries mace in those hot pants. Arch is clearly out of control.

Cripes! These guys are literally standing by this woman sweating and panting. I wonder what we’d see if we could zoom out to get the whole picture. Synchronized public masturbation is wrong, folks. Keep our beaches clean.

This scene looks fairly benign in a comic book, but I’d imagine it would be pretty scary in real life. These males are just closing in on this woman. Nothing good can come of this.

Even the gay population at Riverdale can’t help but whistle at a miniskirt. Truly, this is a land where gawking and pawing at females is not only accepted, but a way of life.

Notice the legs turning to Jell-O. Males in Rivedale quite literally have immediate debilitating physical reactions at the sight of a pretty girl. They lose all motor skills and cannot so much as walk without falling apart at the seams.

This is without question my all-time favorite. Reggie and Archie check out Betty and Veronica and instantly become shockingly erect. There can be no other interpretation.

Of all the guys associated with Archie, Jughead was the most reserved in his horniness. Perhaps it was the weed that killed his sex drive. I don’t know. But he still had his moments.

“Don’t bruise that body”

This panel is from one of those Archie comic ‘Hostess Fruit Pie’ adverts that were so common back in the Seventies. Something peculiar is going on here: three horny gentleman and an incapacitated female spells trouble. The ginger is obviously excited about what comes next.

Archie and Reggie are understandably smitten by the baton twirlers.

A wide-eyed Reggie shouting “OOOO! EEEEE! AAAAH!”…. not so understandable. Quite disturbing, actually.

Each and every issue Betty and Veronica would claw each other’s eyes out to get a piece of Archie. Yet, that wasn’t enough to satisfy his insatiable lust. Archie had to have more.

Riverdale’s hyper-sexuality wasn’t limited to the student body, either. A long legged secretary was all it took for Mr. Lodge’s glasses to pop off his head, and become completely unglued.

Mr. Lodge had no silly hang-ups about age. So what if these girls were the same age as his daughter… this is the Seventies, man!

Yet, I draw the line with Betty…

It would seem Mr. Lodge is sporting wood dancing with his daughter’s friend. Things are getting creepy… best to move on.

So far, we’ve only discussed the out-of-control sex drive of the male population. The girls are no saints. When it comes to the giant orgy that is Riverdale, the gals were by no means innocent bystanders.

You’ve got to hand it to B&V. They were smart liberated chicks, but they weren’t afraid to work it when the need arose.

Did Veronica just say what I think she said? The expression on their faces is priceless.

She’s talkin’ about the tickets, Mr. Weatherbee. Get your mind out of the gutter. Get it together man!!

One thing that amazes me when looking through these Archie comics from the 70s is how quickly Dan DeCarlo would get Betty and Veronica naked – or damn close to it. DeCarlo had a long illustrious history of drawing naughty cartoons for Playboy (and other adult publications), so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me. Plus, it was the seventies, and everybody seemed to be in some state of undress.

Great question, Mr. Lodge. What did happen to these two?

I think I’ve more than demonstrated my point. So, before we end this tour through the horny teenage wasteland that is Riverdale, here are four panels of insane declarations of horniness. HI-YI-YI-YI-YI!