RHAP Amazon Shop: Amazon.com/shop/RHAP

While I’m waiting for Survivor to start, did anybody else watch the Bachelor this week? Is Juan Pablo the least likable bachelor since Chris Brown and Rhianna broke up? I get that there was a language barrier with him, but a douche is a douche is a douche I think Plato said that once. Granted the Bachelor is a breeding ground for crazy and genital warts but it’s rare to have a bachelor be that un-likable, so kudos Juan Pablo, you’ve secured the fact that ABC will probably never have a non-American bachelor again.

8pm

Previously on Survivor (Read this in your Jeff Probst voice) Tony acted crazy and continued on his destiny to become Survivors first real life Gollum. Jeremiah made a move to screw over Morgan and upset Scott. J’Tia proved that she would be the worst teammate ever for the board game Operation. So find out when people stop being polite, and start getting real…the real…..oh sorry wrong show. I do miss the old Real World though, before it turned into what it is now. I mean is it really the “Real World” when you don’t have to have a job or got to school, don’t have a cell phone and have to participate in highly produced, staged confrontations weekly?

We start with the black and white night-vision Schindler’s List style filming, like we always do on the start of every Survivor episode. I’m still confused on why they do this, is it for design or for a practical reason? I think Survivor for one episode should do a VH1 Pop up Video thing. You know that would be fun!

Like with Jeramiah talking a POP UP would come up saying something like “Jeramiah in 2002 was indicted for Cow tipping but beat the wrap because of a technicality in the law”…Who wouldn’t be in favor of trivia like that during the show?

Morgan calls Jeramiah a coward. She immediately then calls him out in-front of everybody. Jeramiah handles it pretty well though, not the first time he’s been called a liar by an angry women I’m guessing.

Morgan then throws Jeramiah under the bus with Jefra and Alexis. Alexis lets us know that Jeramiah put a big target on his back. Doesn’t everybody have a target on their back? Sometimes these players act like they’re here to start a new civilization or something. You’re playing a game where the goal is to get rid of every single player. I’m sure will cover this again with the last episode, when we get this season’s “most hostile jury member”, who gets on their high horse and uses words like “integrity” and “honor” while their bashing the final three people .

Commercial break- How many movies does Tyler Perry make in a year? I’m confused how he does this? They must make some money right? Or maybe he has damaging photos of every studio head in Hollywood. Maybe he pulled a Godfather Two when Michael set’s up the Senator by drugging him and having him wake up with a dead hooker. I just don’t get how he can make seven movies a year for theatrical release and fourteen straight to Red Box movies. Every single time I go to a Red Box I see a Tyler Perry movie, usually starring Taye Diggs or Morris Chestnut.

Back to the show and we are greeted by Spencer who seems like he might be a glorified pool boy at this point in the game with the brain tribe. Spencer really needs to hope that J’tia continues her quest to be the least valuable player in survivor competition history. Even then he still might be in trouble. He really needs to pray to the patron saint of late teens/early twenties, nerdy white males..Saint Cochran for guidance.

We get competitions where blind folded people have to be led to do something, which leads to something else that is even more confusing, which ends with a flag being raised.

Tasha acting like Bobby Knight as the general for the brains team. I think she was close to getting a technical foul from Propst.

Propst hits Kass with “That’s going to leave a mark” a zinger from early 1996. I’m surprised he hasn’t used other staple’s from the 90’s like, ” Look at L.J get Jiggy with it” or ” It looks like Spencer is going to tell J’Tia to talk to the hand because the face isn’t listening.” I miss the 90’s.

The Beauty tribe rebounds from last week and wins the competition. They went through this competition like it was nothing. Probably from their past experiences of navigating dark bedrooms of their lover’s at 4am to begin their walk-of-shame quest on Saturday mornings …Hey we’ve all done it.

8:15

Shockingly J’tia starts panicking again. Unbelievably, she somehow couldn’t get coordinated enough to movie a flag six inches forward. Seriously how can they keep her in the game at this point?

Alexis asks where eggs come from. Clearly the education system has let her down. This leads to a lively discussion about what comes first, the chicken or the egg.

L.J looks like Neil Degrasse Tyson compared to everybody else on the beauty tribe.

Jeramiah rips the head off a chicken. If I was him, I would have looked right into the eyes of the weakest player while I was doing it to send a message.

Morgan just called Jeramiah a big fat liar..lol.

Uncle Cliffy starts showing off that Portland charm with Lindsay. Lindsay kind of seems like a Debbie-Downer.

Sarah doesn’t want Cliff in the game because he already has money? She approaches Woo who folds like a cheap suit on Cliff, culminating in a “Lets pound on it” agreement. Not exactly Michael Corleone plotting to take out the heads of the five families. Woo flipping on Cliff would be the most devastating Bro on Bro violence since Shawn Michaels turned on Marty Jannetty:

Toney gets paranoid with Woo and Sarah talking, so he swears to Sarah on his police badge that he’s with her and then tells us that swearing on his badge means nothing. Tony is growing on me I have to admit. It seems like he’s not even a part of that tribe. Like it’s everybody in one area of camp and then Tony is off doing crazy things in his spy shack. Have you noticed that whenever they show Tony at camp he’s always moving, walking with debris in his hands? I’m convinced the Spy shack is turning into a underground torture chamber.

8:30

Uncle Cliff shares his basketball resume with the viewers. I hope there comes a time this season when Cliff disagrees with a Jeff Probst ruling and this unfolds:

Sarah wants to throw the competition to get Cliff out. Woo seems conflicted. I knew Sarah had a semi crazy vibe and it’s starting to emerge…Like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, don’t piss her off or this will happen type of vibe:

Why does Sarah want Cliff out this bad? Did I miss the scene where Cliff was plotting against her?

Is it possible for J’tia to wreck another competition for her tribe again?

….Yes….yes it is. Even with the brawn team blatantly throwing a competition the brain team can’t seem to overcome J’Tia.

Is the Brain’s team throwing the competition too? I’m confused.

Beauty team wins. But its kind of a hallow victory. With the Brawn team minus Cliff trying to throw the comp , it’s like the 1919 Black Sox throwing the World Series for Arnold Rothstein.

J’Tia can’t even handle fetching the balls…seriously this is painful to watch. Spencer looks like he’s going to have a nervous breakdown. Naturally Spencer will probably be voted off, even though he was the only reason the brains team had a chance in this competition. Winning competitions at this stage really does not matter because their probably going to merge the tribes next episode, but just on pure principle J’Tia does not deserve to stay over Spencer.

Uncle Cliffy gets hot from the three point line, even with his team trying to submarine him; he sinks the fifth and final shot and secures his safety for now.

Spencer really has had terrible luck. First he gets aligned with Garrett, who imploded like Sarah Palin with Katie Couric, His only food gets sacrificed to the Survivor gods by J’Tia, and then he gets into a shooting contest for maybe his survivor life with a professional basketball player.

I don’t mean to be cruel, but if J’Tia was a horse they would be taking her off to the glue factory now.

Criminal Minds is going with a Zombie episode??? You know your police procedural drama is in trouble if you’re going to a Zombie themed episode. Why don’t they just introduce Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch to make it official? Enough with the Zombie craze please. How did the Zombie craze thing even start? Walking Dead? Was there a vote? We haven’t had a good sea-monster phase in a while. Maybe CSI Miami can have an episode where Liza Minnelli guest star’s as Ursula the Sea Creature.

Random new mom rant this week: So last week I covered the moms’ who claim their child said something really intelligently that they really never said. This week I want to cover new moms that try to orchestrate “deep” looking photos. What I mean by this is when they get their Iphone camera out and try to compose a photo that makes it look like they didn’t know somebody was taking a picture, so it looks more profound in someway. I don’t like looking at a photo that is basically manufactured to elicit a douche reaction on purpose. I’m not talking about a general moment that happened to be caught on camera, those are really cool. I’m talking about a picture where it’s the mom and the baby/toddler looking away from the camera, maybe staring off into the world. This bothers me because the mom is trying to pretend that she’s having this deep, profound moment with her child staring off in the world, where in reality she’s just having someone take a picture of her making her Blue Steel Zoolander face, while her child is just generally confused and has no idea where they are.

Then it gets posted on Facebook or Instagram and all her female friends out of fear of retribution have to reply positively or else face the possibility of being indicted for a hate crime. Again this is just a commercial break and I’m trying to fill time, so it’s not like I’m sitting here like Travis Bickle getting crazy about this subject or anything.

I just don’t like the idea of some toddler being forced to be a part of some farce because mom wants twenty eight likes on Facebook.

8:45

Ok so it sounds like Kass and Tasha are going to keep Spencer. They don’t want to tell J’Tia out of a very logical fear that she might burn down the whole camp with them in it.

Ok so it sounds like Kass and Tasha aren’t going to keep Spencer. Tasha is being annoying because she’s trying desperately to be the girl who “gets the game” and came here to, “play survivor”, but overthinks every move she makes. Granted everybody does that I’m sure, but when you go out of your way to portray yourself as a savvy, cerebral player, you can’t flip flop every decision like your Dylan McKay trying to choose between Kelly and Brenda.

I think Kass might actually make a pretty far run in this game. She’s not a complete zero in competitions, she appears to get along well with others, but she is not going to stick out as a complete threat. Some might say that the, “Jury is still out” on Kass….You see what I did there? You see, she’s a lawyer so I used some lawyer jargon….Thank you, I will be here every week.

J’Tia makes a case for herself to stay in this game as Tribal Council kicks off. It feels like a less dramatic version of Ted Bundy defending himself in court

Kass gets a little too excited about describing the Survivor experience for the viewers…Settle down Kass..Jeff might have to dump a bucket of cold water on her.

JTia gets voted off!!! Thank god. I know I was hard on her this night, but seriously it’s only fair. We will always remember you J’Tia …always:

So we get the previews for the next episode and it looks like we are going to get a merge. This game is wide open at this point. It’s not like last season, where we knew That Tyson was pretty much the clear favorite. I think the person with the most power in the game at this point is Sarah, which could mean the demise of Uncle Cliffy next episode. See you next week!