Todd Gurley asks for a split from all his fantasy owners.

Todd Gurley has already eclipsed most players’ end of season numbers, with 14 total touchdowns and 956 total yards.

“I’m making them so much money, why shouldn’t I get a cut of it. In fact, I’m going to sit out the rest of the season unless they all agree to giving me part of their winnings. Who cares if I just got $45 million guaranteed. I’m making $45 million for fantasy owners.”

Gurley asked through his representative that you please hit him up on Venmo.

Chad Kelly gets vacuum endorsement

Chad Kelly was released today after committing criminal trespassing by sitting on the couch of one of Von Miller’s neighbors. The owner of the home tried to chase him out and hit him in the back with a vacuum tube.

Apparently Dirt Devil vacuum sales have been skyrocketing since. A Dirt Devil representative said:

“Since the Chad Kelly incident, everyone in the Denver area has been buying vacuums as a way to protect from intruders. We decided it’s best to keep showing Chad Kelly in our commercials so that people are reminded of the potential threat.”

Chad Kelly couldn’t respond from jail.

Dynasty owners petition Bills to not trade for a QB

Nathan Peterman has been historically bad for fantasy owners. He produced 4 interceptions and only 85 yards passing in two games. So the Bills tried Derek Anderson who got them 175 yards but also 3 interceptions. Apparently some Dynasty fans are rejoicing.

“The Bills’ QB’s have been so bad that they’ve been causing me to lose each week. Which is great! I’m trying to tank without it looking like I’m tanking. I need that #1 pick next year in my dynasty league. The Bills need to keep starting them and not trade for a good quarterback. I know we’re both on the same page.”

This petition is currently being combated by other Bills fan who have a petition submitted to the front office to bring Jim Kelly back as QB.

Jamaal Charles lost his job and his fantasy leagues

When Jamaal Charles was signed by the Jags on Oct 9th, he was convinced he was back. On Monday he was cut.

“I picked myself off waivers in all 3 fantasy leagues I’m in. I was pretty cheap, so I thought I was getting a steal. I mean I’m in PPR leagues and one year I got 70 Catches! I may have only gotten 7 yards rushing, but at least I got 2 catches. Either way, I lost all those weeks. Then I lost my job.”

Jamaal Charles is now resuming his track career.

(This is strictly a satirical article and not intended for distribution. The quotes are fake and no communication with the players or their representatives actually occurred.)

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