You wish that every time your child or was challenged by , she would emphatically state, "I am sorry, but I am morally and ethically opposed to your suggestion, I shall not participate!! In fact, I will not be your friend if you continue to lead me down a wayward path!!!" But since that response exists only in your , it's vital that she is prepared to deal with peer pressure in a way that allows her to save face and keep her friends.

You want your child to have friends, but you also worry every time he steps out the door. For you to trust he is ready for increased freedoms, you need to know he can hold firm to his principles and decisions. But the truth is, when forced between a safe choice and being with friends, safety is often abandoned. No matter how many times your adolescent says he knows how to do the right thing or how hard you work to instill in him the importance of making wise choices, he'll have trouble sticking to his position when his friends don't agree.

A key to building is arming your child with the skills that will enable her to do the right thing even when it's not the popular choice. Essential to your being able to let go is knowing she is equipped with the strategies to stay safe in a sometimes-precarious world.

I have been guiding parents how to prepare their children to thrive and keep their children safe for almost 20 years. Of everything I've ever written about , I have gotten the most feedback on the ideas I am about to share with you. The letters and emails often start with the line "You taught me something that saved my child's life."

Here are 4 simple strategies that help adolescents navigate the peer world. Please read this together with your child. I'll bet she'll appreciate your efforts to keep her safe (Though I don't promise she'll thank you).



Strategy 1: Saying No and Keeping Your Friends in the Process

Our kids are taught in health class to "reverse the pressure" as a technique to withstand peer pressure. The strategy is supposed to work like this: Someone offers a cigarette saying "Everyone smokes," and you reverse the pressure by replying, "Well I'm not everybody. I think for myself." Or someone says, "I love you; I want to show you how much I love you," and you're supposed to respond, "If you love me, you'll wait."

The above strategy may sound good when practiced in a classroom, but in the real world it may not work because what teens want more than anything is to fit in or be loved. Reversing the pressure can end friendships and come off as insulting. Instead, teens need to be able to confidently state their position and still maintain the or relationship. "No, I don't want to go out drinking tonight, but call me tomorrow to do something."



Teach the following three-step technique: 1) Recognize when someone is giving a line or you're feeling pressure; 2) State your position clearly and politely, but with no room for change; and 3) Come up with something else to do, either now or in the future.

But your child also needs to learn the power of the word no! A half-hearted no can be misinterpreted as "push me just a little more and you'll get a yes." There's no need to be sorry about taking a stand. If you haven't made up your mind on something, say "Let me think about it for a couple of days," or "I need more details before I can make a decision." It's OK not to have an on-the-spot answer. But never say "no" when you really mean yes, because that is a setup for confusion and even danger. Kids also need to learn to say yes with conviction. Their peers need to know what they really mean whether they say, yes, no, or maybe. They must remain in control.





Strategies 2 through 4 all use the face-saving strategy of blaming parents for your decision. Its not so easy to say "I fundamentally disagree with you," but it's real easy to say "Are you kidding, she'll kill me!!"

Strategy 2: Using a Code Word

A code word can signal parents that a kid is caught up in an uncomfortable or risky situation that he can't get out of it safely on his own.

If you've agreed on a code word and rehearsed how to use it, you can help him get out of any situation. Your child phones home in front of her friends so they can clearly hear her end of the conversation.



"Yeah, Dad. I'm over at Sophie's. We're doing homework. I know, I know. I'll be home as soon as I can. But I didn't have time to walk Spotty. Can you walk him for me?" Spotty is the code word. When you hear it, raise your voice loud enough for your daughter's friends to hear you yell through the phone, "You're already late! I told you to be home by 9:00! Get home this minute!" If she can leave immediately and still save face with his friends, she'll say, "Okay. I'm leaving right now," slam down the phone, and complain to her friends. If it's too far to walk or she can't get a ride home, she can talk back as a way to let you know she needs to be rescued. "What do you mean, I have to come home this minute? I'm staying. I don't have to listen to you!" You respond: "Where are you? I'm coming right now. You'd better be waiting at the door when I get there."



A code word is an ideal addition to the "Contract for Life" promoted by Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD). In that contract, the teen promises to call for a safe ride if there are any substances that might decrease the driver's focus. Ideally, teens will call because they value safety so highly and trust their parents. But that is a gamble not worth taking. If a code word is added to the contract, it makes it easier to call home.



Strategy 3: Create a Rumor

A similar strategy is to suggest your child create a rumor of what might happen if she does something you won't approve of, such as "My parents said they'll cut off my cell phone if I do that again," or "If I get one speeding ticket, they said they'll take my license away."

She can also blame someone else, such as the school principal or guidance counselor who "will expel me if I cut class again" or a doctor who tells her not to smoke. A teen who doesn't want to avoid can say, "I have asthma and my doctor says I could end up in the hospital if I smoke."



These rumors offer an effective "out" for children or teens who are in situations in which they want to avoid trouble, but still retain standing with their peers.



Strategy 4: The Nightly "Check-in" Rule

Remember the rituals of putting your child to bed? You're no longer giving your teen a bath (I hope!!), but you should still close out the day with a reassuring "good night."



Having in place a nightly "check-in rule" at your house will help your adolescent be able to shift the blame to you. Check-in works like this: Your teen must always come and say good night to you when he comes in, even if he has to come into your bedroom and wake you. The check-in rule allows you to know your child is home safe, and creates an opportunity for you to be there when your teen may most need a conversation. While we wish teens' problems coincided nicely with our schedule, the truth is that we have to be available when they need to talk. Most importantly it allows your teen to have a face-saving reason to avoid drinking or blowing curfew. ("Are you joking? My Dad smells my breath. If he catches me, I won't be going to the concert.")

The check-in rule shouldn't feel like an extreme measure, but rather as the next logical progression in the bedtime routines you established with your child over the years. The secret to making the check-in rule work to your child's advantage, and yours, is to use it every time, no exceptions. Your adolescent should check in whether he's coming home from a friend's house or a school activity, whether he comes in by himself or with a friend.

The check-in rule is an important piece of supportive monitoring. Parental monitoring boosts a child's level of . Your teen really is more likely to do the right thing when she knows you care and are paying .

I know these techniques make some parents uncomfortable because on some level I am suggesting your child lie to get out of trouble. I genuinely wish all kids had the ability to handle everything - they would never be in danger of giving in to bad influences. I wish they could say, "I disagree. I won't participate." But I know they often can't, even if they have a complete understanding of the consequences. Peer culture can be so tough to navigate that if they don't have a face-saving maneuver that allows them to do the right thing they may take risks rather than confront their friends. So while is not consistent with the values we want to teach children, living up to their own standards definitely is a major value we hope they hold. These techniques make this possible. Above all, it reinforces to your child that you are the person to be relied on to get out of trouble.



Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg is the author of The American Academy of Pediatrics' book "Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings" as well as "Letting Go with Love and : Raising Responsible, Resilient, Self-Sufficient Teens in the 21st Century" which he coauthored with Susan FitzGerald.