(I work in IT at my university. This particular staff member is rather infamous for being extremely condescending to all technicians, doing things like saying “I knew that already” whenever we help her with an issue she very obviously did not know how to fix.)

Me: “Thank you for calling IT. How may I help you?”

Staff: “Hello, this is [Staff] from [Department]. My email keeps crashing and I need some help with that.”

Me: “All right, just let me remote into your system and I can take a look.”

Staff: “I don’t want you to do that.”

Me: “You do not want me to remote into your system?”

Staff: “No. I don’t think you need to do that. You can just fix my issue over the phone. That’s what you’re paid for.”

Me: “May I ask what the specific issue is?”

Staff: “My email keeps crashing.”

Me: “Where is this email located? Your browser? Or are you using Microsoft Outlook or Apple Mail?”

Staff: “My email keeps crashing.”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am, but what program are you using to view your emails?”

Staff: “MY. EMAIL. KEEPS. CRASHING.”

(At this point, I take a gamble and assumes that she’s running Windows)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I have that noted down. Now, can you tell me what you are doing when your email crashes?”

Staff: *smugly* “I’m Googling important information because this is going to [University Dean].”

Me: “And are you running music while you’re doing so? Or watching a video? Basically, doing anything that causes stress on your machine?”

Staff: “Of course not! I only have a few windows open.”

(After some more initial troubleshooting questions, with her getting more and more irate, I finally manage to convince her to allow me to remote in so I can see her issue with my own eyes. When I am able to remote in, however, I can immediately see what the issue is: she has over 60 windows open, plus at least 10 tabs per browser window. Of these 60 windows, 18 of them were Microsoft Outlook windows and 12 of them were running videos or Spotify. In general, her computer was having serious stress put on it. I immediately get to work closing some of the inactive windows, with her permission of course, and also check Outlook for any add-ons that might be making it crash.)

Staff: *while I’m painstakingly closing each and every window* “You know, I want to get Microsoft Office on my personal laptop. Do you know how I can do that? Does the university offer it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. For staff and faculty, our university offers a lifetime Microsoft Office license for personal computers for only $5.”

Staff: “I… have to pay?

Me: “That is correct, if you wish to have Office on your personal computer.”

Staff: “I have to pay?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but you are getting it at a wonderful discount! It will only cost you $5, as opposed to $150 from the Microsoft store.”

Staff: “I have to pay?”

Me: “I apologize that it is not offered for free, ma’am, but you are getting a fantastic deal!”

Staff: “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY! I AM [Staff] IN [Department]. I AM AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT PERSON! I HAVE WORKED FOR THIS UNIVERSITY FOR EIGHT YEARS! I SHOULD BE GETTING ALL OF MY SERVICES FREE FROM YOU! LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER! I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT! WHY DO I HAVE TO GET SENT TO YOU FOR MY PROBLEMS?!”

(At that point, my manager, who had been listening in, nodded at me, obviously bracing himself for impact. After about 30 minutes of screaming at him, she finally agreed to pay the $5… but she left us a very scathing review for making her do so. We would’ve saved the headache and just given it to her for free, except there are just certain caveats of the contract that we absolutely cannot break!)