Potter Products: Some Of The Weirdest Harry Potter Memorabilia Ever Made

As I’m sure many if you already know, JK Rowling has recently announced that she will be expanding the Harry Potter universe through an online experience, called…

POTTERMORE!

*hyperventilates, cries, wipes eye with Slytherin scarf and slowly regains composure*

Pottermore will be an interactive website where fans of the series can play Harry Potter games, as well as learn exclusive secrets about the series that JK Rowling has been “hoarding” over the years. You can check out her explanation for yourself here, or follow @Pottermore on twitter for more information.

Personally, I can’t wait! I want to be the first person on the Slytherin Quidditch team. I want to catch golden snitches with my keyboard! I want to apparate into an ebook shop! I want to beat up on all the Huffepuffs and secretly envy those brainy Ravenclaw kids for their grammar skills! I want to remind my “ Gryffindor ” lawyer friend that she is secretly a Slytherin, because ALL lawyers are secretly Slytherins! I want it all!

But, sadly, the website doesn’t launch until October. So, until then, I have to satisfy my Potter lust in other ways. Namely, with online shopping!

After an extensive day of rifling through Amazon, I have learned that there have been some pretty strange Potter products produced throughout the years. For example, my first entry on my strangest Potter products list…

1. THE HARRY POTTER VIBRATING BROOM!





This poorly conceived model Nimbus 2000 was quickly pulled off the market by Mattel because the world is apparently offended by unintentional sex toys aimed at children and/or hilariousness. Here’s a YouTube video that says more on the subject than I ever could.

2. THE TALKING DOBBY BANK!





I couldn’t find a video of this thing in full working mode, but I did find this video of Dobby being voiced by Tommy Wiseau from The Room. According to this bank’s description on Amazon, you can “Watch and listen in amazement as Dobby comes to life reciting famous character quotes and causing more self harm by bashing his head with his book!”. So, basically, Dobby will slam himself in the head everytime you put money in the bank. That seems like a great way to motivate kids to save money, right?

Right?

Eh, whatever. Team Slytherin!

3. TROLL GLUE!





I’m not really sure what’s going on here. But, it kind of looks like Harry is humping a rock with a giant gray boob on it’s shoulder.

4. THIS CREEPY NAKED DAN RAD MUG!





Come on, tell me that’s not creepy! Do you really want to look at naked Daniel Radcliffe and a horse with your morning coffee? Do you, you kinky weirdo? I mean, how would you explain this one at the office?

I can see it now… Your coworker rolls up to the coffee machine with her Ziggy “always chase a rainbow” mug and starts up a conversation. You look down smugly at her cutesy coffee wear and slyly say “cute mug. I think my mom had one of those in 1970.”.

Your coworker, not getting the hint that her style is hopelessly dated, thanks you for what she thinks is a compliment and asks “oh, what’s that on your mug? Is it a horse? I love horses. Such cute beasties!”.

Your smile widens as you say “Yeah, it’s got a horse on it.”. You slowly move your hand ever so slightly to the right, revealing part of face; an oddly familiar male face.

“Oh, wait. Is that? Is that Harry Potter next to the horse there? Oh, I get it. Is this like one of those thestral things? Cute, I didn’t know you were into-” your coworker pauses, as you set your mug down, revealing the whole image; naked Daniel Radcliffe. And a horse. On a mug. BAM!

…And a mind has just been blown!

Five minutes later though, after the initial shock wears off, your coworker is calling human resources and you’re having to explain the plot of Equus to a skeptical room of lawyers. No mug is worth that!

Look, if this image were on a shower curtain, or a body pillow MAYBE I could understand. But, a coffee mug? No sir. Not right.

5. BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOR BEAN





Try the vomit and the ear wax. They’re shockingly good!

6. THESE CREEPY BUSTS OF THE WEASLEY TWINS





…will be in my fantasies tonight.

7. VOLDEMORT’S HANDS!





I just love that the only review starts with “thought these would be fun to have around the house”. Fun in what way, exactly? Was this person going to do dishes with them? Or maybe every time someone left the driveway the mom of the household was going to yell out to her kids “quick! Daddy’s leaving for work! Go get the Voldemort hands so we can wave goodbye!”? Maybe they were going to use them for erotic messages? Help me out here, internet! I need to know!

8. THE VOLDEMORT TALKING DUEL HEAD!





Oh God, how I love toys that talk! This talking Voldemort head will duel with you when you use a special electronic wand. It’s a lot like those giant Barbie heads where you can style their hair. Except that, instead of vapid plastic and hair extensions, this toy is made of pure evil and a healthy dose of bad-assery. Check this thing out in action:

NAAOOOAAAAAHHHHH!!!

AMAZING! Someone buy me one, now!

Just as a bonus, the dueling Voldemort head has reminded me of one of my favorite Holiday passtimes. While visiting family last year in Michigan, my boyfriend and I won a fabulous robot chicken at Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum. The chicken, symbol of our love that he is, was then brought home and made to battle with some of the other electronic toys at my parent’s house.

So, without further ado, may I present, Robot Chicken vs Robot Dog!



Robot Chicken vs A Talking Darth Vader Bank! (Round One)



…And finally, Robot Chicken vs A Talking Darth Vader Bank! (Round Two)



In case anyone wanted to do some more Potter shopping, check out this cool stuff on Amazon and eBay!

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Buy my first e-book, How BP Oiled The Gulf, for the Kindle and check out a few of my favorite Kindle/iPad accessories on Amazon! Every sale is greatly appreciated! :)

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