The human brain -- or at least my own stupid brain -- is simply not evolutionarily equipped to deal with the Internet's intellectual riches.

Despite the fact that the Web encompasses endless resources delineating the sum of our species' knowledge, there's this vestigial, reptilian signal in my skull always screaming, "Fuck all that, you're going to listen to a Dutch child rap about homework for seven hours in a row instead."

Seriously, it's like there's this ghost Dimetrodon in my head, and he curses me with procrastination. If I'm reading something even negligibly highbrow, he'll begin barking, "Just who the hell do you think you are, Mister Marilyn vos Savant? Well, nix that book learning, Boo Radley, because you're Googling 'MARILYN VOS SAVANT' plus 'TASTEFUL NUDES' and seeing where those search-engine-optimized chips fall."