It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup – let’s check out some new releases!

Red Velvet – Umpah Umpah

That cringe intro made me terrified for another “Zimzalabim” disaster, a song which I still am having PTSD over. However once the uumpah-loompahs finished and the verse proper started I was surprised to find out that this is actually Red Velvet’s best song since “Rookie“.

Everglow – Adios

All very obviously latter-day Blackpink right down to the last 30 seconds of the song actually being way better than anything else and showcasing the direction the entire thing should have gone in all along.

The Boyz – D.D.D

Nothing much of interest happening here, this song isn’t even crappy enough to shit on entertainingly. Let’s move on.

Up10tion – Your Gravity

K-pop seems to have a hard-on in general for set design that evokes the Escherian stairwell. I guess they have a lot of set dressers with lots of stairs warehoused and nothing to do with them. Some video-making caonima should do a compilation of all the k-pop videos that look like this shit.

Grizzly, Chungha – Run

No Chungha in the video so this may as well not even exist visually, but musically it’s a little bit above her usual average (which is nothing much).

Henry – I Luv U

I get why people want to leave big companies like SM Entertainment, from the artists’ point of view such a move makes a lot of sense. It just sucks for the rest of us when they lose access to those international songwriting teams that are occasionally capable of hitting gold and we get lumped with some ballad shit instead.

Target – Baby Come Back Home

This video is a great watch and highly recommended, just for the sheer earnestness of the facial expressions. Boy these kids are sure getting fired up over wanting some random girl to come back home. Maybe she owes them money or something.

G-reyish – Kkili Kkili

An amazingly cool chord progression in the chorus stops this song from becoming seriously annoying. If it didn’t have that, the song would be about as good as…

Soyoung – Breath

…this one here, which isn’t very.

IZ – Final Kiss

The guitars are cool, but it’s actually the chorus melody writing that drags this boy-pop out from the sea of averagedom.

Han Choim – Romeo

I feel really sad for her. Imagine dressing up in those clothes and singing that song, for nothing.

Kisum – Let’s Drink Up

It would be great to get drunk with Kisum, you could get super-smashed and tell her how you really felt about her wasting away her entire career on stupid light fluffy shit instead of going hard with the beats and she’d possibly forgive you the next morning. She might not look at you the same again though.

Simon Dominic ft. Loopy & Crush – Make Her Dance

Conclusive proof that global thermonuclear war might be a positive cleansing experience for the planet in the long term.

Viini – Genie

And here’s the version without the twerking, which honestly isn’t any better.

#Gun – Lord

A very promisingly moody intro segues into just the usual bullshit you’ve heard a million times.

Sam Kim – Where’s My Money

Sorry Sam Kim, I spent it all on the girls in Simon Dominic’s video. I felt sorry for them.

Jang Dae Hyeon – Feel Good

Strangely, I don’t.

sokodomo ft. LaPamasaka – Go Home

Given a choice between destroying this music, and destroying those fashions, I think it would actually be hard to come to a decision.

Woo Hye Mi – S.S.T (Sweet Short Time)

This song is actually really annoying. It kind of gets a little better as it goes, but can your ears even last long enough to get there is the question.

Peejay x Zion. T – Na B Ya

Zion T probably goes through life having no idea how bad he is. Let’s not tell him, it’s funnier if he thinks people are actually buying into his “suave rapper” act.

Kim Kookheon, Song Yuvin – Blurry

There has to be some sort of special animal rights regulation for fish trapped inside fishbowls in music videos.

Hongja – How Do I Live

This song is so deliriously over the top, it’s like the Slayer of trot ballads. I’m not even sure how I feel about this.

Wyne – My Muse

This song is really nothingy and further proof that all those good tracks O15B are doing lately are clearly written by O15B and the female singers really can’t take any responsibility for the songwriting aspect.

Llwyd – Erase

The song was called “Erase” and that seemed like a great idea after listening to this crap so I took their advice and just removed the video completely.

Zene The Zilla ft. C Jamm – Missed Calls

They’re not picking up the phone for a reason, man.

Aoora ft. $milli – Black Sugar

Oh look it’s that guy who hangs out with that fucked Edward dude. Hey Eddie are you going to apologise to Kyla yet, you cunt? Because Aoora isn’t getting any positive reviews here until you do. Stop getting face surgery for the 37th time and stan Kyla you dickwad.

Nunsseop – NMV

Who left this stray rapper out by the seaside. Pick up your trash, geez.

Arden Cho ft. Junoflo – Electrify

I feel a distinct lack of electrification.

Kim Dong Ryul ft. Kim Jeong Won – Brink Of Summer

Why is there opera style vocals in my k-pop. It’s like ordering the linguini and getting a stray rigatoni tube. Do your fucking job, cook.

Gong Ja – Dream Chaser

If you’re going to sub your own video for your two fans you might want to check first that your lyrics don’t sound like walrus shit.

Kim Shin Ill – Kiss The Night

Actually Simon Dominic I take it back, your song and video gives me more hope for humanity than this… thing.

Silverclub – Rocker’s WiFi Just For You

This one nearly didn’t even make it in because I was just like “does anybody even give a crap”? From me, an avid nugu supporter, that’s saying a lot.

Midnight ft. Sleepy – Algorithm

A really terrifying combination of everything that sucks in music right now.

Yungdan – Meaningless

Accurate song title of the week.

GSA – We Got The Power

Not the power of good music, obviously.

THICCNESS SECTION

Oh Hayoung – Don’t Make Me Laugh

Yua Mikami’s Apink fetish actually makes sense after watching this, as her and Hayoung have similar thiccness ratios these days. Maybe Hayoung is Yua’s role model and her example got Yua started down the k-pop road.

Jimin Park – Stay Beautiful

Speaking of which, oh my lord. I think JYP deliberately hung onto this one until after my bias list update appeared so Jimin Park wouldn’t appear in it and destroy everybody utterly. Gotta give those Twice girls a chance, man.

Celeb Five (with Seolhyun) – I Wish I Could Unsee That

While we’re on the topic, every time a group of people find out that I like thiccer women, somebody, always, without fail, every fucking time, asks “do you like that comedian? I can’t remember her name, but you know the one, right?” Yes, I do know the one, and no she’s not my type. Then they’re all surprised and shit, but I’m not sure why this is surprising. People who like skinny girls don’t like every single skinny girl that exists, right? It’s the same for chubby-chasers. There are always preferences, man.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

proof blackpink is being controlled

Well, they’re a k-pop idol group, so it’s not like any proof is actually needed because anybody with any brains knows that all k-pop groups get nothing but buttfucked all day every day. However this video is still a nice compilation of Blackpink trying hard to restrain themselves form screaming “fuck this shit” at the top of their lungs, so… enjoy, I guess!

That’s all for this week’s roundup – Kpopalypse will return next week with more songs!