Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. -Henry Cloud

You have probably heard statements before about setting boundaries.

Maybe you’ve been told, “You really need to set some healthy boundaries for yourself.”

Or, “People wouldn’t run over you if you’d stick to your boundaries.”

Even, “You’re codependent. What you need is to establish boundaries once and for all.”

Perhaps this advice has left you nodding in agreement, saying, “I know, I know, you’re right. I need to stick to my boundaries” (while the entire time you are internally scratching your head thinking, “What does that even really mean?”)

You’ve come to the right place.

First off, I’d like for you to think about boundaries as being ALL ABOUT YOU.

A common misconception is that boundaries are about OTHER PEOPLE. This misunderstanding exists because when we talk about establishing boundaries, it typically centers on how others treat you.

Let’s be clear; boundaries are NOT about controlling other people.

They are about your sense of identity and your core values. Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. They establish what you will and will not tolerate in your life.

Think about it this way. Let’s say I have a neighbor. We’ll call him Stan.

Stan is a slob and throws his trash onto my property.

He mows the grass in the nude.

Stan gets drunk and staggers into my yard, stomping all over my garden.

He says he didn’t mean to demolish my newly planted tomatoes. He’s very sorry.

A week later, drunk Stan meanders over and accidentally steps on my replanted tomatoes…. AGAIN.

I’m sooooo done with Stan.

So I erect a really tall fence. THIS is my boundary.

I will no longer be subjected to the view of Stan’s hairy back while he mows his yard.

I will no longer allow Stan to let his trash piles creep onto my property.

There will be no more times that an inebriated Stan ruins my garden, only to apologize but then do it again.

My boundary is what I will and will not tolerate. In other words, it’s not about making Stan become a neat freak or wear proper attire when doing yard work or becoming a sober man who can walk erect without stumbling.

Stan can do whatever he wants on the other side of the fence. It’s his life and his choice.

I, on the other hand, now have a thriving tomato garden and a clean yard. I’m no longer frustrated and resentful at Stan for being a rude jerk. I’ve stopped ALLOWING him in my space to treat it and me disrespectfully.

THIS is an analogy of creating boundaries.

(And no, I really don’t have a neighbor named Stan who does all of the above. Thank you, Jesus.)

Without healthy boundaries, we end up feeling angry, resentful, and frustrated with our relationships.

We may end up angry with ourselves for not being assertive and not saying, “No.” In our society, we’re often taught that rejection is scary and intimidating and that it’s a reflection of our own self-worth.

The truth is, someone saying “no” is all about that person setting his or her own boundary in the moment– not about the “rejected” person.

As THIS ARTICLE states; “No. Such a powerful little word, and as toddlers we all seem to have no trouble using it. No, you can’t have my toy, and no, I don’t want to eat those vegetables.

And yet somewhere along the line, many of us turn into adults who seem to have an absolute allergy to saying no. Or if we do say it, it’s a watered down, weak version that nobody takes seriously.”

I’m guessing if you found yourself drawn to this article then you are either confused about what, exactly, healthy boundaries are and/or you’re having trouble setting/enforcing them.

You are not alone. MANY people have difficulty with this concept. It can take many therapy sessions before my clients have that light-bulb moment about applying this concept in real life. (And I mean real life as opposed to discussing examples in the safe confines of the therapy office.)

Understanding boundaries is kind of like having a budget; you know you need it, you understand the general idea, and it would be nice if you could make it happen, but it stays “in theory” and never takes hold in your life.

If you read and implement the advice in this article, that’s about to change. (The part about the boundaries – sorry, but you’re on your own with the budget.)

So, how do you know if you need to keep reading?

Ask yourself these 8 question sets about boundaries.

Write them down and answer them thoroughly if you have the time to do so. Be real with yourself.

1. Are you surrounded by chaos? Do you tell people how much you hate drama but find yourself constantly involved in it in some form or fashion?

2. Do you feel the need to “fix” people or their situations? Do their emergencies become your emergencies? Their problems yours to solve?

3. Do you find that you tell people that you’ve known briefly far too much about your personal life? Do you find yourself waaaaayyyyy more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them?

4. Is letting other people down a major concern of yours? Do you say “yes” more often than you say “no”, even when you want to say “no”?

5. When you do have to say “no”, do you then feel very guilty about it? Do you feel responsible for the unhappiness of others, even for really small things?

6. Under the surface, are you a little (or a LOT) angry with the people in your life who don’t return the efforts in the relationship that match yours? Do you feel disrespected? And maybe, just maybe, does this sometimes lead to some passive-aggressive behavior on your part?

7. Are you unclear about yourself as an individual? Do you have a clear sense of who you are? Are you able to make decisions easily or do you look to others to assist you? When you are unsure about something, do the opinions of others really impact your feelings and behaviors?

8. Are you ultimately terrified of rejection or abandonment? Do you feel like if you change your ways with others, you will not be loved or accepted? Is love contingent on you pleasing others?

If you answered yes to even just a few of these questions, it will be beneficial and empowering for you to keep reading.

But first, let’s talk about what boundaries are NOT.

What Boundaries are NOT What Boundaries ARE A means of controlling others A means of not allowing others to tell you how to think, act, and feel; without boundaries, you may constantly find yourself at the mercy of others Something that makes you unhappy Something that makes you feel more in control of your life, happier, healthier and empowered Set in stone forever Flexible rather than permanently fixed, allowing you to feel safe and connected About right and wrong Specific to the individual and differ depending on comfort level and type of boundary Means taking responsibility for others Means taking responsibility for your own

actions and emotions Causes of conflict Without established boundaries, a relationship is bound to go in a chaotic direction, so they actually lessen conflict Uncomfortable and harsh Easy and beneficial for each person involved because of clear parameters

Now that you see the healthy side of establishing these perimeters, let’s take a deep dive into 8 different TYPES of boundaries.

** One thing to note is the culture in which you were raised will have a huge impact on what you consider “normal.” Also, familial dynamics will have an influence as well. It’s not about what’s right or wrong, but about YOUR comfort level.

1. Physical boundaries.

Have you ever met someone who will give a hug to anybody who comes within their reach?

Or how about that person that stands too close to you when you are having a conversation and you find yourself backing up to allow for more space?

Physical boundaries refer to our physical space and how comfortable we are with physical touch. Certainly this can vary depending on the type of relationship we are talking about. You might be very affectionate with your children but no so much with your neighbor, Stan.

Personally, if I don’t know you then I don’t want you touching me and I definitely don’t want you hugging me. In America, typically we are comfortable with people at least an arm’s length distance away from us.

I call it my personal hula-hoop.

I don’t like it when people are in my hula-hoop.

It’s important to know what YOU are comfortable with in terms of what’s appropriate and what’s not in various settings.

Take time to think about if you are o.k. with your co-worker leaning all over you looking at your computer screen or sticking a fork in your piece of cake “for a quick bite”.

I have had co-workers with whom I would be 100% fine with both of these actions. Then again I’ve had co-workers who I would prefer not even step in my office, much less this close in my hula-hoop (and definitely not my piece of cake!)

Take time to establish what feels right to you.

2. Sexual boundaries.

This differs from physical boundaries in that sexual boundaries involve, well, sex or sexual touch.

They refer to the emotional, mental and physical aspects of sexuality.

Some people find pornography a form of cheating in the relationship and viewing porn would cross a sexual boundary for them in a big way.

Other couples might watch porn together as a means of foreplay and both are totally fine and accepting of that fact.

Do you mind if your spouse pats you on the butt while you are cooking dinner or does this feel invasive and disrespectful?

Healthy sexual boundaries involve mutual understanding and respect of limitations and desires between sexual partners.

These can be violated with unwanted form of touching, pressure to engage in sexual acts, violation of your personal space in an intimate way, and/or sexual comments/sexting/phone sex.

It’s crucial you develop insight into your comfort level and then discuss these pirameters within your relationship.

3. Intellectual boundaries.

Ever heard the saying, “We can just agree to disagree?”

If someone has said that to you (or if you have said that to someone else), then it’s likely healthy boundaries are in place.

Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries display respect for the ideas of others. Additionally, there’s an awareness of what’s appropriate to discuss and when it’s appropriate to discuss it.

These boundaries are violated when someone dismisses, belittles, or denigrates someone else’s thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

We see this happen a lot with topics such as politics and religion, but it can also happen in more subtle ways, such as your opinion on a certain parenting technique or the type of food you eat.

4. Time boundaries.

Have you ever had anyone disrespect your time boundaries?

Here are some examples:

The co-worker who hangs around chatting when you have a deadline to meet (even after you’ve commented you need to get busy)

The neighbor who calls you and wants to talk for an hour while you are trying to cook dinner and do homework with the kids (multiple attempts of, “Well, I gotta go now!” are ignored and the monologue continues)

The friend who is consistently an hour late for every girl’s night out you plan

People who drop by your home without letting you know they are coming (at the most inopportune times – during sex, while you’re napping, when you aren’t wearing a bra, when the kitchen is a disaster)

Time boundaries refer to how a person uses their time and, more importantly, how they allow others to invade on their time.

This type of boundary is violated when someone abuses or demands too much of your time or takes advantage of your schedule.

5. Material boundaries.

This type of boundary refers to your money and your possessions.

If Stan borrows your mower and leaves it under his own carport, he is violating a material boundary.

If your sister constantly raids your closet and wears your clothes without talking to you about it ahead of time, your material boundary is being violated.

Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on what you will share, in what ways you will share it, and with whom. If someone takes your stuff without asking, outright steals from you, borrows and never returns, or damages another person’s possessions, this is the boundary that’s being crossed for sure.

A violation of this “fence” can also be about your money.

Here are some examples:

You and your friend take turns paying the tab when you go out to eat once a week. When she pays, you end up at Taco Bell. When it’s your week to pay, you end up at a steakhouse.

Your mom knows you are trying to save money but she insists you go shopping with her every weekend.

Your co-worker asks you to lend him some money because he’s in a financial bind. He keeps putting off the part where he pays you back, but you notice he eats out for lunch every day while you are brown bagging it.

In each of these scenarios, if you don’t assert strong material boundaries, you will end up feeling resentful and disrespected.

6. Emotional Boundaries

Yep, you guessed it. This boundary is all about your feelings, emotions, and mental state.

Healthy boundaries prevent you from accepting blame or taking ownership of others’ problems. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally.

High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.

Emotional boundaries also include not allowing others to “tell” you how you should or shouldn’t feel. If you feel like you can’t assert your opinion, your values aren’t honored by another person, or your beliefs are challenged, then you are experiencing unhealthy boundaries in this area.

Your feelings should not depend on other people’s thoughts, feelings, or moods. In this way, an emotional boundary is, in most cases, one that you set on yourself.

Give yourself permission to have your own feelings, and not to take on the burden of other people’s feelings.

7. Social and Cultural boundaries

Social and cultural boundaries are the rules that are considered common because most of the people living in the particular region agree that they are the standards that people should follow, or the “societal norms”.

When it comes to top social and cultural boundaries, one of the biggest boundaries is that in some societies it is common to shake hands or maintain eye contact while in other areas that activity is considered completely unacceptable.

This is somewhat different from physical boundaries in that it’s not about an individual’s preference but more about the norms of the society as a whole.

For example, people in Japan greet by nodding, which is quite different than in the Western world where we may high five, fist bump or say, “Hi, how are you?” (even though we really don’t want an answer to that question).

We talked earlier about people getting too close to you in a conversation. In some areas of the world, this would be considered very common and not a violation of your physical boundary.

The key to establishing healthy social and cultural boundaries is awareness. If you travel or move to a new area you might need to reassess your physical boundaries to discern the right balance between your comfort level and the norms of society.

8. Spiritual boundaries.

Spiritual boundaries allow us to define our own relationship with our higher power even when others try to impose their beliefs on us. With unhealthy spiritual boundaries, others may try to tell you what you should or should not believe.

With healthy spiritual boundaries, you are free to define and explore your calling, your gifts and your talents. Someone else doesn’t get to define that for you.

This type of boundary may overlap with your time boundary. For example, if you feel pressured to attend Sunday brunch with friends, you may have to choose between that and attending your own worship service.

An example of an unhealthy spiritual boundary is not trusting your own sense of morals and ethics and instead going with what some other person or organization insists is “right” (i.e.: You’re ignoring your own internal spiritual boundary.)

An example of good spiritual boundary might include honoring your own values and beliefs around the holidays instead of “buying into” what someone else thinks should be practiced or believed.

Now that you know what boundaries mean and you’ve asked yourself some personal and reflective questions about boundaries. You’ve learned what they are not, and also 8 types of boundaries.

But what are signs that even if you’ve tried setting boundaries before, they’ve been ignored? Here are signs that even if you’ve attempted to establish your “fences”, they have not being respected.

It’s very rarely anyone’s ‘fault’ they can’t set boundaries, as we are all the sum of our experiences. If we have trouble setting boundaries, it’s usually because as a child we weren’t allowed any, or witnessed parents who had no skills with boundaries.

But it’s equally important to not fall into victim mentality -easy to do if we never set boundaries. As adults we have to gather up our courage to step forward and take charge of our choices.

Signs of Ignored Boundaries

You can tell boundaries are being ignored if you are experiencing one or more of the following challenges:

Over Enmeshment: This requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic or unusual behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.

Disassociation: This is blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: “It doesn’t matter.” “Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.” This “blanking out‟ results in being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.

Excessive Detachment: This occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group/family/relationship is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there does not seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union.

Victimhood or Martyrdom: With this, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization, you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.

Chip on the Shoulder: This is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space, and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a “chip on your shoulder” that declares “I dare you to come too close!”

Invisibility: This involves you pulling in or over-controlling so that others, even yourself, never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.

Aloofness or Shyness: This is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected, you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.

Cold and Distant: This builds walls or barriers to ensure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a form of defense due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that “I’ve drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.” It is a way to keep others out and put them off.

Smothering: This results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.

Lack of Privacy: This is present when it seems to you that nothing you think, feel, or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all details and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you do not have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape. (Source: positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/)

So you see boundaries go both ways. How you approach others and how others approach you.

8 Basic Principles of Healthy Boundary Setting

1. Good, Decent People Set Boundaries. Establishing boundaries makes you a safe person. People know where they stand with you. Boundaries are the way we take care of ourselves. It’s not selfish in any way. We have both a right and a duty to protect and defend ourselves.

2. Generous People Set Boundaries. If you don’t set boundaries you are freely giving yourself away and stretching yourself very thin. With healthy boundaries, you only give what you want which means you can afford to be generous to the people in your life that matter.

3. Boundaries Allow Others to Grow. Because it makes others conscious of their own behavior, other people can learn from your example of what healthy boundaries look like.

4. Boundaries Allow You To Get More of What You Want, and Less of What You Don’t. Boundaries not only protect you from unwanted behavior, they also foster the behavior that you want. There’s the good old fashioned concept of reinforcement at play here.

5. People With Higher Self-Esteem Set Boundaries. Establishing these “fences” keeps you in control of your time and efforts, which makes you feel better about yourself. This leads to your being more effective and it’s quite empowering.

6. Stick to Your Guns. In order for boundary setting to work for you, you must develop a commitment to uphold what is right and true for you. You must act consistently in upholding your boundaries.

7. Practice Makes Perfect. If this is not familiar behavior it will feel awkward and unnatural at first, but anything worth doing is worth doing badly at first. People may not like it at first that’s natural they are used to getting their own way with you.