A while back, this is going back to 2010. My boss at the current job I was working asked a friend & I to do a side gig. At the time, I was 262 lbs, I looked pretty heavy. My friend, was 130 lbs and was also considered to be very beautiful by many different people. I was typically the wallflower.

Still am.

Anyway, turns out the gig we were asked to do involved modeling. Well, I knew how this was going to turn out. We, or rather, she, was asked to model. I was not asked to model once. I sat there for at least eight hours as my friend stood under a bright lamp getting photographed.

They ordered pizza for both of us. For that day, I couldn’t enjoy it. I didn’t want to eat the pizza, I felt very ashamed. I felt judged, although no one said anything to me. I knew why they didn’t ask me to model. I was too fat to model. Which led me to think that I wasn’t pretty enough either.

In the same year with this friend at the same job, we were working on a set in which we were getting ready to prepare a for a studio recording. In the dressing room there were these older men in the studio that kept telling her how beautiful she was. I didn’t really mind this at all at the time. I was used to the attention my friend would receive. Besides, I can’t be mad at her for what other people do or say, that’s no fair to her. But, what really hurt me that day, is when one of the men decided to actually acknowledge me, it was out of pity.

The man puts his arm around me, as if he’s known me for years and goes: “Ain’t she a doll too boys?” All the men agree, and all I could do was feel embarrassed. This “compliment”, although he felt he was doing the right thing for my esteem, actually made me feel horrible. I was mortified. I would’ve rather just been left out of the conversation.

I remember too, when I was younger and I was packing on weight, my father would tell me that I’ll never get married or meet a nice man if I keep gaining weight.

As of recent, I’m starting to be proven this is true.

Now I weigh 211. I’m still considered fat , technically still obese by BMI standards. So many people say I look so great, but I still feel like I weigh 262.

This entry isn’t about self pity, or my low esteem, although it may seem prevalent. I know nothing was directly said to me, but it was all implied, and I know why. Because I’m heavy.

Thin privilege is to be considered beautiful. Thin privilege is to be considered to model or to be photographed. Thin privilege is to be considered at all, by anyone. Thin privilege is to be seen with kinder eyes and less discrimination and pity. Thin privilege is to be told your loved for who you are. Thin privilege is to feel like a human being. Thin privilege is to not feel like if you lost weight you’d be loved more. Thin privilege is not to be a wallflower. Thin privilege is to not feel like when you try to stand up for yourself or make a point to someone that the first thing they say to you, in reply to your argument, is your weight. Thin privilege is to not feel like a huge monster when you’re actually really kind. Thin privilege is to have a reason to be less bitter.