GUARANTEED ELLEN WHITE-STYLE CELEBRATIONS AHOY

Move over Watergate, there’s a new hotel-based spying scandal in town. In an astonishing turn of events that knocks Diego Maradona’s famous handball at Mexico 1986 into a c0cked hat, the players of a proud and noble England football team once again find themselves the victims of duplicitous malfeasance cooked up by Johnny Foreigner. Demonstrating the kind of chutzpah that would have made Richard Nixon blush, the embodiment of sporting arrogance that is the USA! USA!! USA!!! women’s team stand accused of sending officials to the Lyon hotel where England’s brave Lionesses are currently staying to have what can only be described as a good snoop around.

Like the disgraced Nixon before her, USA! USA!! USA!!! head coach Jill Ellis has strenuously denied any subterfuge on her camp’s part, offering the pitifully transparent, albeit entirely reasonable explanation that two of her squad’s operations staff were simply scouting Lyon’s Fourvière Hotel in the ludicrously unlikely event they beat England in Tuesday night’s semi-final and will need somewhere to stay before Sunday’s final. Under the flimsy pretext of checking out the hotel’s spa (complete with aromatherapy rain showers, steam bath and ice fountain), heated outdoor pool, sun terrace and hot tub, the two suspected agents of American espionage are also rumoured to have wandered into private meeting rooms reserved by England – who were out training – as they were shown around by hotel staff.

“You have to plan ahead,” said Ellis, when confronted by accusations of outright skulduggery. “The only ones who went there were the team administrator and her boss. We don’t worry about that.” Asked to explain why she and her players have got far enough ahead of themselves to even entertain the notion they might beat England, the brass-necked yank was having none of it. “Arrogance has nothing to do with us,” she bragged brazenly. “That’s planning and preparation for staff. I had no idea how we were even going to get to Lyon.”

With his knuckles still sore from tightly clutching his pearls while sanctimoniously sermonising on the many moral shortcomings of Cameroon’s footballers, there were concerns that news of another opponent’s duplicity might prompt another fit of the vapours from Phil Neville but he took it in his stride. Having clucked disapprovingly for the benefit of an England press pack desperate for something – anything – to write about on a day when absolutely nothing was happening, the England manager sensibly concluded that in fact he was finding all this ludicrously confected outrage quite amusing. “I was thinking: ‘What are they are doing.’ But it’s not etiquette is it? It’s not something my team would be doing,” he parped. Correction: it is etiquette, Philip. And very bad etiquette at that.

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FIVER LETTERS

“Re: those undercover USA! USA!! USA!!! officials. Perhaps they were working on an ill-advised James Bond spoof. Possible working titles include A View to a Jill, Bronzefinger, The Spy Who Loved Mead, The Living Dalylights, and Midfield Diamonds are Forever” – Peter Oh.

“Please let it be true that Gennaro Gattuso is in the frame for the Newcastle job … and that he actually gets it. Spectators (especially Newcastle fans) would pay money to see him try out his negotiating style with Mike Ashley, preferably in a cage, though they might not be quite so happy with what Gattuso gets his players to do on the pitch. As an extra north-east bonus, the whole farrago would bring Sunderland supporters some welcome cheer” – Charles Antaki.

“I caught a bit of the Copa América over the weekend, and it struck me that Colombia have been influenced by some of modern English football’s biggest clubs: their kit is a tribute to the Arsenal away one of the early 1990s; their manager is Carlos Queiroz, winner of three Premier League titles as an assistant manager in the 2000s; and much like 2019’s Liverpool, they haven’t won the trophy they so desperately crave for quite some time” – Ed Taylor.

“Really enjoy The Fiver, but do you have to keep using the word ‘knack’? Quite amusing at first, but tiresome in the extreme now. You know the guy who kept saying ‘not’ at the end of sentences way way beyond when it was amusing to do so, well that’s you” – Trevor West [easy now – Fiver Ed].

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.

BITS AND BOBS

Frank Lampard’s Derby County have excused Frank Lampard’s Derby County’s Frank Lampard from reporting back to take training so that he can get a move on and become Chelsea’s Frank Lampard.

Marcus Rashford, who scored a whopping 13 goals in all competitions for Manchester United last season, has been rewarded with a new four-year deal worth around £250,000 a week. “I want to thank Ole and his staff for everything they have done for me,” he trousered.

In hot pen and paper news. Photograph: John Peters/Manchester United via Getty Images

Southampton have signed Che Adams from Birmingham for an undisclosed fee. “Che fits the profile of player we want to bring to Southampton and is very driven to show what he can do at the highest level,” cheered Saints boss Ralph Hasenhüttl.

Rafa Benítez claims he would have stayed at Newcastle if the club saw things the way he did. “It became increasingly clear to me that those at the top of the club did not share the same vision,” he sniffed, as he stuck a photo of Mike Ashley on his darts board and challenged Chris Hughton to a game.

Madagascar are keeping their feet on the ground after shocking Nigeria to book their place in the Afcon knockout stage. “Humility and confidence is what has got us here and now we’ll try to go as far as we possibly can,” cheered coach Nicolas Dupuis.

Bury midfielder Danny Mayor is now Plymouth Argyle midfielder Danny Mayor.

And Manchester United will make their Women’s Super League debut against Manchester City in a rip-roaring season opening derby this September.

STILL WANT MORE?

Nico Yennaris left Brentford in January, changed his name to Li Ke and is now driving China’s World Cup dreams. John Duerden tells a remarkable story.

What do Atlético Madrid, British Airways FC and Manchester United have in common? Chris Evans has the answer.

Will just being Chelsea’s Frank Lampard be enough to win trophies for Chelsea, wonders Jacob Steinberg.

Stamford Bridge, earlier. Photograph: Steven Paston/PA

USA! USA!! USA!!! are in typically bullish mood before their World Cup semi-final against England, according to Suzanne Wrack.

Window or aisle, Zlatan? Graham Ruthven explains why MLS teams still fly with the hoi polloi.

And Mo Salah has sailed into stormy waters at the Africa Cup of Nations, reports Nick Ames.

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