Posted June 23, 2011 by monkeywithamonocle

So it’s 1998. Israel celebrates it’s 50th anniversary as a nation, hamburger meat is $1.40 a pound and Pokemon is released upon the poor and defenseless minds of America’s youth who are, unbeknown to them, ready to throw their hard earned allowances at Nintendo with as much reckless abandonment as a Texan oil tycoon in Bam- Bam’s Burlesque and Brothel.

Lao Tzu once said “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” It’s pretty easy to see that he was obviously referring to the hand held console based pocket monster strategy/ trading game known as Pokemon. That Lao Tzu, he was ahead of his time.

At the beginning of said journey your first step was picking an initial Pokemon. It would become your flagship, your scouting tank, your red shirted actor of the week being beamed down onto the unexplored planet of ill tempered and color sensitive bulls. It set the tone for the rest of the game as your arch-rivel would quickly pick its opposite. You had to choose wisely, for it could be the choice of your inevitable glory, or your pathetic fateful doom…in a videogame.

Here is what your first Pokemon ever says about you:

Squirtle/ Wartortle/ Blastoise

What you hope it means:

You flow like the water in a mighty river and can adapt to situations very easily. Your persistence is calm, smooth and, over time, can move mountains and carve the mightiest of caverns. You have a special sense for relationships and are able to easily bring people together.

What it probably means:

You’re a violent psychopath.

Let’s not kid ourselves, Pokemon is not about sitting down and convincing a Rattata to follow you on your adventures while risking its life defending your honor in an assortment of wacky elemental themed gyms; all because you two are just the best of friends. I don’t care what the cartoon has told you.

What it’s really about is war and torture. You travel around with the intent to seduce and then beat down Pokemon until they are weak and defenseless. You break their will before you allow them to succumb to the power of your Pokeball. With Squirtle you become the Pokemon equivalent of water boarding and you hide behind the thin veil of tranquil waters and a cute curly tail yet you are a but a Butterfree’s wing flap away from a tsunami.

You looked at all of the Pokemon ripe for the picking and said, “THAT mother-effer Blastoise has got freaking cannons coming out of its shell… just the way I like it.”

Just like my grampa used to say, “You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight nor an Onix to a water battle.” He was pretty rad.

Bulbasaur/Ivysaur/Venusaur

What you hope it means:

Like plants you are a grounded individual that is comfortable with your surroundings. You are paced and deliberate. You have a strong will and stick to your guns. You often see things through to the bitter end and should be admired for it.

What it probably means:

You’re really boring.

Sure, Bulbasaur is cute and cuddly when you first get him, hell all the pokemon are but a short 36 levels later and you get the giant behemoth that is Venusaur. And any Pokedex worth its weight in Pokedollars will state that the Venusaur enjoys moving slow, emitting calming pheromones, standing quietly and motionless, prefers limited excitement and will eventually begin growing large warts on it’s rough and aged scaly skin. It also states that it can most commonly be found in Florida around retirement communities eating dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon and spending most of its day wondering why the kids don’t call anymore.

It frankly grows up into an old maid and it’s technically only 36. You have to ask yourself, “Did I choose Venusaur to find action and adventure? Or did I just want a nice reliable Pokemon that gets good gas mileage and has thirteen, count them thirteen, cup holders?”

What do you think that says about you?

Charmander/Charmeleon/Charizard

What you hope it means:

You are always ready for the hunt and are prone to bursts of joy and enthusiasm. You can be hit with inspiration at a moments notice and have also be known to inspire others. You are passionate about life and strive to live it to the fullest.



What it probably means:

You’re weird and you have only one parent, well…you probably don’t have any parents.

It’s the classic tale: boy finds dragon, boy befriends dragon, boy and dragon defeat evil king or whatever. Yes we all know the story very well, but why is that? What do Eragon, Pete’s Dragon, Dragonslayer, Mulan, The Never Ending Story, Dragonworld, and How To Train Your Dragon all have in common?

That’s right! In all those movies, the lead character is an odd and weak child who is either an orphan or misunderstood by their single parent. For some reason we have equated a dragon as a suitable replacement for a poor up bringing and family life. What is it about a dragon that fills that void?

We are somehow conditioned to believe that when one thinks of a troubled child the solution is to give that angry, misunderstood and probably abused young one the most powerful and dangerous fantastical creature ever…and usually a saddle so he can ride it. That’ll fix those kids right up!

Or you just like lighting things on fire. That’s perfectly healthy too.

Did you have fun diving deep into your soul and staring at the personification of your essance in its glossy and deep eyes while asking it, “Who am I?” Well if you did, then you should check out Monkeywithamonocle’s other posts: Top 5 WORST Green Lanterns & Truths in Star Wars even George Lucas missed (Part I)

Post your incredibly inferior opposing viewpoints and/or your well thought out and finely crafted appreciation below; OR contact the primate himself at monkeywithamonocle@gmail.com and follow him on twitter @mikematola

