Every few months, the heads of government of European Union member states meet to discuss the things they all want to do but would rather blame other countries for making them do. This is called the European Council.

The European Council is not the same as the Council of the European Union or the European Commission, which are different parts of the EU. Nor is it anything to do with the Council of Europe, which isn't part of the EU at all. British journalists are obliged to refer to all of those institutions indiscriminately as "Europe". This should not be presumed to have any relationship with the Europe where British people like to go on holiday or where British companies like to buy and sell things. The possibility that Britain is itself a European country should be ignored whenever possible.

When prime ministers go to summits they can be described as "heading off to Europe". Anything they agree to there can later be attributed to something called "Brussels", which is a sinister compound that erodes national sovereignty – often, but by no means exclusively found in the capital of Belgium.

European summit geography

There is a hierarchy of Europeanness that Britain observes in its handling of European summits. The most European country of all is Belgium, since it contains Brussels and has two European languages, neither of which is English. The current president of the European Council also happens to be Belgian. (This is not the same as the president of the Council of the European Union or the president of European Commission, who are not currently Belgian nationals but whose functions are considered to be morally Belgian by British media.)

The second most European country is France, since it never really wanted Britain to join the European Community in the first place and stubbornly insists on conducting its affairs in French.

The third most European country is Germany, which is constitutionally inclined to federalism but makes up for it by being mostly unlike France. Other states become progressively more European the further south they are.

European summits – useful words and phrases

Bureaucrats A mysterious race of grey-skinned, faceless beings who are presumed to wield extraordinary power in Europe; like Cybermen but with better pension arrangements.

Going native The corruption of British diplomats who spend too much time with Brussels bureaucrats; also applied to Foreign Office ministers and civil servants who spend too much time with Brussels diplomats.

Qualified Majority Voting (QMV) A system for confusing commentators by giving Britain influence in Europe in fair proportion to its size, while also allowing other countries a say.

Veto A way for Britain to exert influence that is less effective than QMV but much easier to understand.

Shirts The unit for measuring the intensity of summit negotiations, as in: "Talks are going on through the night, it looks like being a three-shirter."

Reform Something everyone can agree needs to happen without having to agree on what it is.

Conclusions The declaration at the end of a summit in which countries agree to take "concrete steps" somewhere but avoid saying where.

National interest What prime ministers say they stand up to defend.

The City of London What prime ministers defend once they have sat down.

Handbagging The platonic ideal of the defence of national interest by a prime minister at a summit, according to British Eurosceptics, who imagine Margaret Thatcher having wielded hers in aggression.

Empty chair What John Major ended up leaving because he didn't have a handbag.

Red lines What British prime ministers helpfully draw underneath issues that aren't on the summit agenda for the benefit of UK newspapers.

Migrants Undesirable Europeans in Britain, not to be confused with Britons in Europe, who couldn't possibly be undesirable and so are called "expats".