Pam Ayres to replace Foo Fighters at Glastonbury

Disappointment that the Foo Fighters have had to cancel their Glastonbury performance has been tempered with the announcement that West Country poet Pam Ayres will be replacing them.

The move comes after Dave Grohl broke his leg during a fall on stage in Sweden, an incident which coincidentally happened just moments after Foo Fighters fan Pam Ayres had been given a back-stage pass to watch the show.

“Pam’s thrilled to step into the Friday headline slot,” said a spokesperson for the poet.

“We’ve been trying to work out something for a headline slot for some years now, and actually came very close in 2008, but they decided to go with Jay-Z instead.”

“Then we tried to work out a duet between Pam and Jay, but unfortunately, he was a bit of a prick.”

Pam Ayres fan Simon Williams was beside himself at the announcement.

“This is just bloody great news,” he enthused.

“I mean, I love Foo Fighters as much as anyone, and it’s horrible what happened to Dave Grohl, but the chance to see Pam Ayres do ‘I wish I’d looked after my teeth,’ live in front of 50,000 people is just-”

At this point he began to hyperventilate.

It is understood that Mrs Ayres will perform a mixture of greatest hits and recent works, including an especially composed work inspired by Glastonbury entitled ’50 reasons why Jay-Z is a prick.”

Other considerations to replace the Foo Fighters were Chris Evans doing a live TFI Friday, a darts tournament, and a shit hippie with a set of bongos.