Ladies wear name badges and have a military escort. Each group has its own rules. For example, Navy Ladies also attend funerals of spouses of living servicemen and veterans.

"We're not there as a sympathizer or mourner" but as a witness, says Nancy Reed, cochair of the Air Force group.

Paula McKinley, an Arlington Lady for 25 years and chair of the Navy group, calls their participation "a team effort."

Joyce Johnson became an Army Arlington Lady four years after her husband, Dennis, 48, was killed on 9/11 in the attack on the Pentagon and buried at Arlington. "We do it from our hearts," she says. "My heart breaks at every funeral."

One unwritten rule applies to all Arlington Ladies: They don't cry. Ever. "Once in a while you come close to tears — when it's a young active-duty soldier, a young widow and young kids," Mensch says. "But you don't cry."

Marsha Mercer is an independent journalist in Northern Virginia.