SAMANTHA BEE: Mmm, tepid gruel, but is Kasich really the huggable moderate he's made out to be? She asked in a clunky and hamfisted attempt at foreshadowing? I don't know, what's his take on gay rights?

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Obergefell v. Hodges the Supreme Court case that legalized same-sex marriage and was originally called Obergefell v. Kasich, after the governor who refused to recognize the out of state marriage of two men, one of whom was terminally ill. For a guy who is against same-sex marriage, Kasich was awfully quick to take the other dude's last name. And you know for some reason Kasich doesn't talk much about the issue closest to his heart, your uterus.

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Now if you live outside Ohio, you don't hear much about Kasich's anti-choice record, because he hides his abortion restrictions in larger budget bills where they won't be noticed, kind of like a desperate pregnant teenager buying ever larger sweatshirts. And modest John doesn't like to talk about his achievements. Literally. At all. Even when directly asked why he banned counselors from mentioning abortion to rape victims.

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So GOP take a closer look at John Kasich, because while these other chumps make empty promises to do awful stuff, this so called moderate gets awful stuff done.