“Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost.”

Robb Stark finds out about Theon Greyjoy’s invasion of Winterfell.

Writer(s): Vanessa Taylor

Director: David Nutter

Events: Theon invades Winterfell and beheads Ser Rodrick — Osha then helps Bran, Rickon and Hodor escape; Robb introduces Catelyn to Talisa before learning of Theon’s invasion — unable to return home himself, he sends Roose Bolton’s bastard son to retake Winterfell; at Harrenhal, Petyr Baelish meets with Tywin Lannister to finalise the alliance between the Lannisters and the Tyrells — Arya steals a letter mentioning Robb and has Amory Lorch killed before he can tell Tywin; the Lannister royal family are attacked in the streets during the Riot of King’s Landing; Jon Snow gets separated from Qhorin Halfhand after he encounters Ygritte and takes her prisoner; after having proposals rejected by the Spice King in Qarth, Daenerys’ dragons are stolen.

IF YOU’RE NOT CAUGHT UP WITH GAME OF THRONES, IT’S BEST IF YOU DON’T GO MUCH FURTHER. YOU’LL HAVE STUFF SPOILED IF YOU DO.

To listen along, just press play:

We’re too deep into the War of the Five Kings to turn back now. Last week, it claimed its first major victim in the shape of Renly Baratheon, scattering his armies and splitting his allies down the middle in the process, and this week it geared up to take a whole load more. Not only did Renly’s death result in new allegiances being up for grabs, and not only did it set a grisly marker for the rest of the conflict, but we’re so far beyond the point of no return that some of the strongest relationships from season one will never manage to repair themselves. And much like the final stages of season one, there are children — both figurative and literal — not only caught up in this conflict, but directly influencing its trajectory.



Like most children, they’re foolish and they’re naïve. That’s not the danger, exactly. The danger is that they’re foolish and naïve whilst dealing with responsibilities and realities far beyond their years — some without any sort of guiding hand, and some with guiding hands who might as well be devils (or “demon monkeys”) on their shoulders. As viewers on this side of season seven, we know the names and faces of the children who adapted to this world ravaged by war and rose above it to become key players. But regarding ‘The Old Gods and the New’ as the point of no return in relation to the War of the Five Kings means we must consider it as another inevitable step towards the torturous conclusions of each plot strand.



Take Theon Greyjoy, for instance. Talked into invading Winterfell last week by his shipmate Dagmer, he’s now seized Winterfell, alienated its population, beheaded one of its longest and most loyal servants in Ser Rodrick (again, thanks to Dagmer’s advice), and allowed his most valuable prisoners — Bran and Rickon — to escape under cover of darkness (that was his own fault). He’s thrown himself into a perilous position thanks to poor counsel and his own insecurity, and he’s shattered his relationship with the Starks.



He’s now just weeks away from losing the castle to the Boltons in a siege, and being captured, tortured, and psychologically dismantled by Ramsay Bolton over the course of three seasons. As season seven ends, we’re sympathetic to his cause after his wonderfully plotted redemption arc, but only after he’s spent five seasons battling serious mental damage and recovering from severe physical trauma. As extreme as Theon’s journey is, his confident strides around Winterfell in this episode feel as though he’s walking into a self-made trap, even without the gift of hindsight, and Ser Rodrik’s poignant final words (“You are truly lost”) hang over him. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing.



Out in the Frostfang mountains beyond the Wall, Jon Snow is given two valuable lessons by Qhorin Halfhand after being drafted into his scouting group. The first lesson is that if “You start thinking you know this place, it’ll kill you”, that you must remain vigilant in wildling country, and that it’ll be the end of you if your guard slips. The second is that, while the Night’s Watch might seem like a noble and honourable organisation — one which Jon reveals he would “gladly” give his life for — their efforts mean nothing to the lords and ladies of the south. Qhorin wants Jon to remember that fact, and let it fill him with enough spite and hatred to complete his job anyway.



Only, Jon’s naivety gets the better of him less than a day later, as he encounters a certain wildling named Ygritte for the first time. Jon offers to behead her whilst the rest of Halfhand’s group heads to the top of a mountain, but he can’t carry out the deed. Ygritte flees, and Jon eventually takes her prisoner, but her mind is sharp, and her tongue more besides. They end the episode huddled together in the cold as Ygritte teases Jon and pushes his buttons, and she’ll soon tell him that he “Knows nothing”. How correct she is.



At the other end of Westeros, and on the other end of the personality spectrum entirely, inexperience and naivety create the perfect storm for Joffrey’s sadistic tendencies to finally boil over and create mass collateral damage and panic in King’s Landing. The royal Lannister family have escorted Myrcella to Dorne, with an arrangement for her to be wed to Trystane Martell now secured (more of that later in the series), and are returning to the Red Keep when the common people in the city’s slums revolt. The people who aren’t dying are living in poverty, and the only people not living in poverty are the Lannisters themselves, such is the situation in the capital. Joffrey responds to calls for food with violence, and he orders the City Watch to “Kill them all!” The public rightly reciprocate, and the city is plunged into chaos before anyone can blink.



Once they’re safe from said chaos, Tyrion berates Joffrey and smacks him: “We’ve had vicious kings and we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t know if we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king.” It’s a line that accurately captures that aforementioned ‘perfect storm’ contained within Joffrey’s character. His violent response to the unrest in the city almost leads to Sansa being raped and murdered, potentially leaving Jaime Lannister trapped with the Starks for the foreseeable future, and the relationship between the common folk and the one percent has now soured beyond repair. It’s this sort of inexperience — brought on by his age, his relentless sadism and sickening arrogance — that shows even characters like Joffrey, who seem frustratingly invincible at this point, can still be caught horribly off guard by the condition this world is currently in.



8.5



Lost ravens:

— I’m a little disappointed that the episode couldn’t find space for a proper goodbye to Renly. Three episodes prior to this one, he was the difference between Robb Stark winning the war and losing it. Now he’s dead and half of his army have joined Stannis — you’d think Robb or Catelyn would have a thing or two to say about that, considering Cat was present at the site of his murder and considering Robb has lost his biggest ally. I guess the writing team feels the need to shoehorn in scenes with Talisa and work on her relationship with Robb so that their marriage is believable by the end of the season, but it’s an oversight that displays misplaced priorities.



— Arya’s mischievousness at Harrenhal is beginning to get a little risky for her. She’s seconds from having her identity exposed, having accidentally bumped into Amory Lorch who realises she’s stolen the letter with Robb’s name on it. But the man who killed Yoren has the favour repaid by Jaqen on Arya’s hasty orders. One name remains on the list. Earlier, she’s nearly identified by Littlefinger too, whose devilish eyes follow her all the way across the room (super acting from Aidan Gillen). He’s distracted, however, and secures an alliance with the Tyrells and the crown in the meantime.



— Daenerys’ story has finally clicked into gear after six episodes of the season, even if the plot contrivances are a little hammy. Pyat Pree has stolen her dragons to lure her to the House of the Undying, but we’re another three or four episodes off her getting there. Before her dragons are stolen, she’s talked down once more by the Spice King, whose only response to her passionate pitch to acquire ships is to flick his wrists this way and that and return to his quarters. Having thought about it, Daenerys’ storyline this season has felt like something of a second beginning now that she’s free of her brother and at the head of her own tribe. She’ll soon have armies and loyal followers, but the show’s stripped her storyline down to the bear bones for this second season (stuck in the Red Waste for three episodes, she arrives in Qarth, is propositioned, patronised and stolen from by its residents for three episodes, and will spend the next four episodes getting her dragons back). It’s not getting dull by any means, but the overacting in her appearance (“Where are my dragons?!”) doesn’t help matters.



— Catelyn was right. Never trust a Greyjoy.



— Bran, Hodor, Rickon, Osha, Summer and Shaggydog have escaped Winterfell. They’ll return quicker than we ever expected them to for a while, but that travelling band is one of my favourite stories to be part of, even if Bran’s arc isn’t too satisfying until season six. They’re just such a friendly, wholesome group.



— I might start doing a death count for each episode of the show considering the major casualties are about to ramp up. So, rip in peace to Ser Rodrick Cassel, Irri the Handmaiden, Amory Lorch, the guard Osha killed, and the numerous lives lost in the King’s Landing riots. We hardly knew ye.