CORVALLIS, OR—Seething with anger at the mere prospect of such an outcome, a local caterpillar, who has spent the past three months in its pupal stage, acknowledged Tuesday that it would be extremely pissed off if, upon maturation, it turned out to be a moth. “I swear to fucking God, if I’ve spent 90 days cooped up in this godforsaken cocoon only to end up an ugly house moth, I’m going to flip my shit,” said the developing insect, who confirmed almost losing it completely every time it considered the possibility that it might emerge with some unsightly fuzzy antennae instead of bright, multicolored wings. “Man, I’m telling you, I’ll go absolutely fucking ballistic if I’m forced to eat old coats in some dusty-ass closet instead of fluttering around gracefully, pollinating milkweed in the sunshine. I’ve put hundreds of hours into this metamorphosis, and I’d better be a goddamn breathtaking monarch butterfly when all is said and done.” At press time, sources reported the now fully pupated and despair-filled moth was flying straight for a bug zapper.

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