An exciting update on last week's discussion about how certain US politicians believe that, while some women are unfortunate enough to be raped, not all of them have been raped enough. "Forcible rape" was the coinage these chaps came up with, which heretofore many would have considered tautological. But these politicians pointed out the error of such thinking: in the bill they put forward, they said that if a woman was in any way mentally incapacitated while she was raped, she couldn't qualify for government money to have an abortion. The rape hadn't been forced, you see, and maybe the woman hadn't fought her attacker off because she was drugged up with Rohypnol, but it could also have been because she, you know, wanted it. Hard to say. So instead, if this woman really did insist on aborting the conception-by-rape pregnancy, she should just go back and get raped again and this time, for heaven's sake, try to stay awake during the proceedings.

Well, that wording has since been quietly removed from the proposed bill, to the regret of voluntarily raped women everywhere. But misogyny abhors a vacuum and so a new schtick has come to town: a bill to end government funding of Planned Parenthood. To give a flavour of this proposition, it's as if the British government announced the impending closure of Marie Stopes clinics.

Truly, Planned Parenthood is the gateway to immorality, providing such hedonistic services as contraception advice and testing for STDs. One thing it does not do is use federal money to provide abortions as that is already illegal except in cases of rape, incest and when the mother's life is endangered. But Planned Parenthood is, according to the proposed bill, "an abortion provider" and therefore should not receive any federal funding, even if that funding is going towards cancer screenings.

Adding to Planned Parenthood's woes, Live Action, an anti-abortion group, filmed an actor posing as a pimp asking a Planned Parenthood counsellor for advice on contraception and abortions for the underage girls he "works with". The adviser advised. This, according to Live Action, proves that "Planned Parenthood aids and abets the sexual abuse and prostitution of minors." The organisation, already feeling under siege, panicked and the counsellor was fired, although it would be interesting to know what, precisely, Live Action would have preferred the counsellor to do – refuse to help women who are in terrible and, yes, illegal situations? Tackle the pimp to the ground?

In this cynical age, the wide-eyed naivety of anti-abortion campaigners is almost inspiring. They believe that if abortion isn't available, then women won't have it and will instead learn the meaning of life through their beautiful children lah di dah di dah, as opposed to reaching for the wire hanger. It is akin to the belief of anti-sex education campaigners – who often have a significant crossover with anti-abortion campaigners – that if children aren't taught about sex at school they will remain virginal until they're married and not, say, merrily assume that if you do it standing up it doesn't count.

(Fascinatingly, pro-chastity campaigner Sarah Palin has not been swayed from her position despite needing to look no further than her family for proof of its efficacy.) Similarly, Live Action has presumably been too busy producing stunt videos to explain what they think will happen to the 1.85 million low income and rural women who use the clinics every year if they are closed down.This gap in the logic suggests either anti-abortion, anti-sex education, anti-contraception and pro-chastity folk are (a) extremely stupid or (b) using morality as a fig leaf and are upset about something else.

Taking the benevolent view that it's (b), what they are upset about is sex and, specifically, women having it. Judging by their actions, the only kind of sex they will graciously allow a woman to have is marital and for the purposes of conception. Yet as has been proven repeatedly, any kind of religious or political legislation against sexuality – banning abortion, criminalising homosexuality – just does not work.

So to give these campaigners more time to enjoy life instead of making stunt videos that have no point, here is a cut-out-and-keep list on how to stop women having sex, guaranteed:

1. Chop off genitals at birth. They can have them reattached at their heterosexual wedding, in between the cake and the throwing of the bouquet.

2. Force all teenagers to watch their parents having sex. Effective, although there is a risk they will never have sex again and the human race will die out.

3. Rearrange human biology so that it's men who get pregnant. It might not end verboten sexual relations, but it will probably put an end to old white guys trying to ban abortion and targeting the most vulnerable women, from rape victims to the needy poor, in the worst circumstances.

No Oscar? Blame Facebook



Oh Egypt – haven't you done enough, dominating our newspapers that would otherwise be filled with exciting stories about what Stephen Fry has tweeted this week? Now you've gone and ruined The Social Network's Oscar chances, too. In the past week, there has been quite a backlash against social media among America's liberal elite, including journalists Frank Rich, Richard Engel and Malcolm Gladwell, following some newspapers' eagerness to credit Facebook and Twitter with starting the Egyptian revolution. Critics have said that this is an example of Americans trying to claim credit for something that has nothing to do with them.

Facebook: once an exciting glimpse into the future, now a symbol of American arrogance. Couple this with a spate of newly published books which criticise social media, such as Evgeny Morozov's The Net Delusion and Sherry Turkle's Alone Together, and we have the perfect storm to scupper The Social Network. So let's instead give the Oscar to a movie that really celebrates egalitarianism and modernity, such as The King's Speech.