Palo Alto, CA – In what may be considered Apple’s boldest move ever to reduce the weight of their latest Apple iPhone, CEO Tim Cook announced that the company had successfully shaved over three ounces off by simply getting rid of the battery altogether. The phones will ship with roughly 40% battery life, which will give owners enough time to go home, download the latest iOS patch, post about their latest purchase on social media, and then drive to the store to buy another one.

“For the past 12 years, even when Steve was still with us, we never thought that we could get the phone to weigh under two ounces,” said Tim Cook. “Our engineers tried everything: getting rid of the camera, removing the outer case and just giving the users a jumble of electronics, even researching a real-life version of Vibranium, of which I’ve already said too much.”

The move has forced Apple’s primary rival, Samsung, to quickly address the perception of their “obese smartphones”, but early attempts to remove the battery from their Galaxy line has led to multiple reports of the phones spontaneously catching fire.

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