OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you until you get out there and handle him yourself,” said Ipser, emphasizing that every spermatozoon reacts to new humans differently, especially because so many of them at the clinic were old, blind, or had been dropped on the curb by elderly men with no other option. “This guy in particular is one of our favorites around here, but I’ll be honest—he’s really attached to his thousands of brothers, and he can really whip his flagellum when he’s excited. Ideally, I’d like to see him go home with someone who has extensive experience with sperm, just so you’re not blindsided. Oh, and also, he definitely needs to be with a family without children.” At press time, Ipser told reporters that the couple had opted to look elsewhere and spring for a “purer” sperm that they found online.

Advertisement