We have entered an age of innovation, where our dependence on mining is being substituted for a healthy amount of “good ideas” that are sure to carry the economy into calm waters. Well, that’s the plan at the top.

So what constitutes a good idea? Good question. Most of the time the answer will revolve around making money. Companies like Sydney’s Atlassian will be thrown around as an example and some fat-cat will chuckle heartily through the huge cigar wedged in his stupid mouth.

If you ask me, a good idea should be one that improves the world in some way or another. What good is anything if it doesn’t better the lives of human beings or the environment? But I digress.

It got me thinking about the ideas that don’t make it. The ones that are just a bit too zany to take seriously. Here’s my list of ridiculous inventions that should never have been created.

Licki Brush

Ever wished you could give your cat the licking it deserves without copping a mouthful of fur? Well now you can, you fucking sicko.

The Licki Brush is an artificial tongue you hold in your mouth, allowing you to lovingly lick your furry little captive. At the time of writing, the Kickstarter has raised just over $52,000.

“Cats groom each other as a form of social bonding. There’s also evidence to suggest that cats view and treat their human captors as large cats. As a human, you’re left out of the intimate licking ritual. At best, you have a one-sided licking relationship with your cat,” says the page.

Fuck, why didn’t anyone tell me!?

These people could be curing deadly diseases, but instead they’ve created a way to successfully lick cats. Your cat hates you, it just hangs around for the food. Feed it and coexist like the awkward housemates you are.

Selk’bag

According to the about page on their website, “the Selk’bag is a wearable sleeping bag system, basically a sleeping bag you can walk around in! One of the main features of the Selk’bag is that you are able to sleep freely, ie. not getting twisted and tangled in your sleeping bag!”

Congratulations, you’ve created a garment that has out-dero’d the matching tracksuit. Give it a year and insufferable idiots will be wearing these at music festivals instead of those stupid fucking animal onesies. I don’t know which one I hate more.

Also, how exactly do you get tangled in a sleeping bag? It’s a god damn tube! Your choice of sleeping bag isn’t the issue, it’s your oddball sleeping behaviour.

Wine Glass Holder Necklace

Look, I love a glass of savvy-b as much the next functioning alcoholic, but what the fuck is this shit? Do you not have a table? Or hands?

This product really poses more questions than it answers. At what point do you decide your life is too hectic to hold the glass of wine you are drinking at that very moment? Does it at least come with a straw? Why has my life become a personified house fire?

“Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!”

If you need 2 hands to eat a handful of cabanossi and cheese, you don’t deserve to attend anyone’s party. Sort your shit out.