SANTA CRUZ, CA—Emphasizing the importance of savoring each moment with her family while she still can, 93-year-old grandmother Regina Silver expressed fears Thursday that this Thanksgiving might be the last time she would see Derek Silver, 25, her notorious fuck-up grandson, before his death. “That boy just seems to get worse and worse every time I see him,” said Silver, noting that her grandson appeared to be mentally unsteady and in poor health from years of hard partying and was still showing the effects of a July fall off the garage roof while attempting to film a viral video with his friends. “He doesn’t drive anymore since his license got taken away for his third DUI, so I don’t get to see him as much. But even though the stories are always kind of sad, I want to be sure to spend some time hearing about his life while he’s still with us. I just want to appreciate him for the failure he is while he’s still alive.” At press time, Silver was patiently struggling to follow along with her grandson’s incoherent and codeine-influenced stories of the time he got kicked out of junior college.

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