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Wednesday's Weekly Diatribe: Izzie Stevens: Self-Absorbed Disaster

Over the years, I have disliked an almost uncountable number of fictionalized characters associated with television, film, or literary works. No one is immune from my elitist judging rod, and I scoff at them proudly, only as a man with a vindictive personality and biased agenda would. I still harbor long seeded grudges against Jane Eyre, Superman, mediocre wrestler Big Boss Man, Charlotte Temple, Draco Malfoy, Wolf “The Dentist” Stanton, Sundara, Andy from ‘The Office’, Derek Zoolander, Fat Bastard, Benjamin Franklin Gates, The Hardy Boys, Goo from ‘My Brother And Me’, and hundreds of others, but amidst all these ill advised bottom feeders, there is still one name that invariably produces a knee jerk reaction: Izzie Stevens.



I’m secure enough in my manhood (or at least claim to be) to admit that I fell in love with ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Besides, it wasn’t even my fault. The slightly above average primetime soap opera used its beautiful women and bizarre patients to draw me in, and then it swallowed my soul, like some heartless McFly Trap. It’s like a bus accident with sleazy, man-whore doctors and models milling about. I’d be an idiot not to watch.



It’s been two and a half seasons since the show premiered, and I’ve really grown to like all of the characters (even Mark Sloan) save one down on her luck blonde bitch. Izzie Stevens is the most reviling, blood boiling example of gross medical incompetence I have ever seen. Ever. I’d rather receive medical help from ‘The Simpson’s’ Dr. Nick Riviera. That one Callie-sized flaw would be enough, but that’s only the apex of her annoying qualities mountain.



Dr. Isobel’s Stevens first and possibly, most obvious problem is her overt nosiness. She can’t go thirty seconds without feeding her supersized hunger for gossip. Why won’t she just grow up? Most people engage in the occasional secret spreading, but it doesn’t map the course for their entire lives. She’s like a little gnat swooping between various lunch tables picking up juicy little personal life tidbits. George, Meredith, and Christina would be better off enjoying a meal with Joan Rivers.



Another inherent personality flaw is the doctor’s general the-world-revolves-around-me attitude. She has been nothing but a miserable she-devil to Callie for months. Has George changed since he got married? Yes, but eventually, you have to get past your bitter feelings. Be happy for the perpetually lonely bastard. He found someone who actually loves him! I could probably even write off the initial resentment as a best friend adjusting to the O’Malley’s new relationship, but she has done nothing to continue her witchy ways. Add all of this to her homewrecking, George-is-mine sexual encounter and she begins rivaling Kyle’s mom. Maybe Cartman will write a song about Izzie too.



Arguably the worst part of the entire Callie/Izzie/George relationship is how Izzie justifies it. In her own warped mind, she feels like George’s savior. She’s his Zorro riding in on her horse and saving him from a loveless, foolish marriage. Unfortunately, these upstanding morals are just a convenient excuse to convince her mind that she’s correct in taking action. In reality, she’s just furthering her selfish me-first agenda.



As I previously mentioned, Miss Stevens is also a horrid surgeon. She seems to relish in the fact that she gets overly attached to patients, but unlike Izzie, I haven’t lost sight of how incredibly foolish this is. There’s no room in medicine for the faintest hint of emotion, let alone Izzie’s personal attachments. The woman didn’t even talk to her mother for ten years, and she feels the need to implant herself into the personal lives of near death strangers? And what did all this improper meddling get her? A dead fiancé and a temporary medical expulsion. Well played, doctor.



Denny Duquette, Jr. entered Seattle Grace as a charming millionaire. Izzie, in a desperate attempt to prove just how ignorant and pathetic she is, fell madly in love with the future corpse. The Romeo and Pandora affair climaxed in the dumb broad’s decision to ignore logic and cut Denny’s LVAD wire to move him up the donor priority list. A few hours later, he was being carted to the morgue, while Izzie cried from the shock of being hoisted by her own petard.



Cutting someone’s LVAD wire in a foolhardy organ grab attempt is quite possibly the most obscene medical crime I have ever heard of. Seriously, what could be worse? Eating someone’s unborn child in front of them or transplanting a penis on a dude’s face might rank a close second. I actually considered never watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ again after she was rehired, but I didn’t want to abandon the other characters.



Izzie Stevens is a shapely, blonde wart on the ass of critically acclaimed televised dramas. With the exception of her baking skills, I cannot think of one positive quality about the little harlot. It wouldn’t be so bad if she was playing an antagonist, but producers expect viewers to actually sympathize with her. Ha! Lex Luthor only wishes he could be the John Candy sized tumor she has turned out to be. Maybe someday, ‘Anatomy’ producers will realize the monster they have created, but until that day, I will continue to bore readers with my below average rants about her not so virtuous qualities. Or I’ll just print up “F*** Izzie” t-shirts.



Post a comment if you feel I have unjustly wronged your fallen hero or if you feel the need to express your agreement.