June 18th, 2015 – ALLENTOWN

Its that time of year again when the Allentown Villain Society stacks their coffers from all of the vendor fees for booths at the annual Allentown Sprinkler Fest. Entering its 666th year, the festival brings in an estimated 4.6 trillion tons of copper to the 4 square blocks the fest consumes. People as far as Oregon travel in Winnebagos and VW buses to the annual fest each year.



Local legend has it that the annual fest is actually a virgin-artist-soul-laundering scheme using the profits to suck the souls of young artists while deploying craft-oriented vendors as a cover up. Such things are steeped in mythology but local lore will tell that the bloody paper trail ends at a mystic alley way deep in the trenches of Allentown. Allegedly situated underneath one of the iconic Allentown structures, it has been known to be a chamber of secrets, the Secrets of Allentown to be exact.

Legend will tell that the money made from vendors supplies the Villain Society with all they need to host their annual celebration, Allentown Village Society’s Annual Sprinkler Sacrifice Wine & Garden Night. Where members of the Villain Society sacrifice artist virgin souls, chant holding copper lawn sprinklers and drink Barefoot Pino Greege by the barrel-fulls.



Often ridiculed for their bizarre consumer driven arts and crafts oriented business model, the fest used to practice less than arts embracing procedures. In decades past, they actually used to shut down restaurants and business’s on the Allen strip that might detract from making money from vendors that sell Baking Soda Elephant Ears, Monsanto Turkey Legs, Diphtheria Dipped Candy Apples, Black Plague Burritos and a slew of diabetic desserts. Upon being asked, representatives of the Allentown Villain Society denied an interview.

We hit the streets for the fest’s 666th run of the Sprinkler Fest to get some crowd reactions from people from near and far on how they enjoy all the fest has to offer. One local resident, Barb Zolocopowitz was taking in some repurposed chicken wing basket jewelry when we asked her how she was enjoying the annual fest.



“You know, I’ve been coming down here for years and every year I find something new and “different” for me and my ladies. I have a lot of really nice gift ideas and the fest allows me to find what I am looking for for my knitting circle.” Gesturing to festival companion, Zola Barkenzoits for her input.



“I tell ya, I love just using my hoverround to take in the art. I pull right up to Bev’s Bovine Art and Lawn and talk to my yearly comrade about her new wares.” Standing next to said booth, Bev gestures to a wall of lovable cow art perfect for that kitchen wall or breakfast nook.

In year’s past, The Villain Society has utilized the souls of area high school students to come up with a poster design ranging from cutting edge Corel Draw digital art to water color lily pads that would make any sitting room that no one sits in swoon. This years entry was bar none one of the best. An unprecedented illustrated Buffalo eating the streets of Allentown and all who inhabit it.



This journalist cannot wait to report on next years events when it will enter year 667 and undoubtably continue until Lucifer is satisfied with all he can eat turkey legs, copper sprinklers, virgins and water color lily pads for his 7th ring of hell waiting room.

Sally Butterworth, Buffalebrity Staff Reporter