Dear Cecil: This question came up recently in a conversation and was hotly discussed: does a pig have a corkscrew-shaped penis? Joe C., Los Angeles

Cecil replies:

Only worthless California degenerates such as yourself are interested in things like this, Joe, but what the heck, I haven’t gotten any threatening letters from the postal inspectors in weeks, and it’s time to shake those suckers up. The answer to your question, incredibly enough, is yes — pigs do have corkscrew-shaped penises.

You may think I’m making this up, but Uncle Cecil is here to tell you he never makes things up. Permit me to quote from Reproductive Behavior in Ungulates, by A.F. Fraser: “The manner of intromission [i.e., hosing] in the pig is unique. In this species, the male, when mounted, makes thrusting actions with the penis, which repeatedly makes semi-rotary actions. Only when the spiral glans penis [my emphasis] of the boar becomes lodged tightly in the firm folds of the cervix does the action stop and ejaculation commence. It is clear, in fact, that the locking of the penis in the cervix acts as the essential stimulus to ejaculation in the boar.”

Accompanying this passage is a helpful drawing revealing that not only does the male pig have a corkscrew-shaped wanker, the female pig has a corkscrew-shaped receptacle, as it were — actually, a corkscrew-shaped cervix. Cecil is aware that in humans the penis doesn’t penetrate the cervix, but as should be obvious by now, there are many differences between human and porcine sexual practices, the principal exception being a girl I met in St. Louis in 1974. But I digress.

I regret to report that hours of diligent research have failed to turn up an actual photograph of the pig’s amazing Roto-Rooter. For some reason, publishers of livestock breeding manuals prefer to publish lavish photo spreads of pigs’ anuses, for which I can’t confess to having any particular fascination. Fortunately, cartoonist Slug Signorino, being the sensitive artistic genius that he is, has managed to come up with the lifelike representation shown here, which gives you the basic idea.

Much remains to be learned about pig reproductive physiology. For instance, it’s unclear whether the male pig, in the midst of his amatory labors, employs a clockwise or a counterclockwise rotation. It may be that pigs come in both versions, as with right- and left-handed humans. We can only guess at the life of heartache and misery that must await the little Porky equipped with a left-handed tool in a world of right-handed Petunias.

Furthermore, in view of the locking action of the male member in the cervix, we can imagine the danger of the male and female reproductive organs becoming cross-threaded during the heat of romance, resulting in the lovers being unable to separate themselves after completing the act. For this reason we would advise farmers to equip themselves with crowbars, graphite, and 3-in-1 oil, so that unintended tragedy may be prevented. Here at the Straight Dope, public service is our only goal.

Cecil Adams

Send questions to Cecil via cecil@straightdope.com.