This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

Different people take different approaches to sex and relationships. Some go out, get drunk and "graft", others are serial monogamists who bounce from long-term relationship to long-term relationship. There are also people who, much to the bafflement and jealousy of everyone else, have no appetite for sex at all. The other side of that, I guess, is submitting a 7 billion word thesis to men’s rights Reddit hub The Red Pill, titled "HOW TO GET LAID LIKE A WARLORD".


What we've got here is a "complete guide to picking up 9s and 10s" aimed at straight cis men who, presumably, have never spoken to a woman ever. These 37 (THIRTY SEVEN) rules will apparently arm budding warlords around the world with all the tools necessary to ensure they get "the highest calibre girls from cold approach". If you don’t understand what any of this means, you’re probably doing something right. But it doesn’t take a genius to understand that this magnum opus of sad behaviour – this Da Vinci Code for predators – stems from the internalised belief that masculinity can only exist within the narrow confines of the toxic stereotypes that society has historically enforced on men, while also representing a failure to conceive of a positive role for themselves in modern societies that have progressed in such a direction that those stereotypes are now being rightfully rejected. They are lost and confused, and I can only assume that is why the author of this masterpiece refers to his girlfriend simply as "9".

We won’t go through all of it, because fucking hell (THIRTY SEVEN!! THIRTY SEVEN RULES!), but let’s investigate the key points.

Oh yeah, also, it’s International Women’s Day. That's why we’re doing this.

Also, we've jumped straight in at point 3, because points 1 through 6 all basically say the same thing. To summarise: this guy is obsessed with men’s "frames" and them being large and/or strong. The word "frame" is mentioned no less than 108 times in this manual, making The Red Pill the third most frame-focused institution behind Specsavers and the judges on Strictly Come Dancing.


PART 1: THE ATTRACTION PROCESS

Speaking as someone whose sexual history has less consistency than the Bible, I have to say: this is bollocks. I once had a boyfriend so frail I donated my size 6 Topshop spray-on skinny jeans to him after I recovered from an eating disorder. I also have fantasies about being Eiffel-towered by two of The Rock as he appears in Baywatch. Attraction is a lawless state, and there is nothing in this theory that can't be debunked by the existence of Timothee Chalamet alone, but let’s address the primary falsehood it is based on.

Women can get horny for anything. A good joke, a mutual interest in obscure musical theatre, the smell of a pasta bake in the oven, wrists, not being talked over. It’s often less about one factor and more about a combination of smaller ones. If you ask someone in a healthy, long-term relationship what they like about their partner(s), rarely will you receive the response "their strong frame" and NOTHING ELSE. There are probably many women out there for whom only brick shithouses will do, but if the brick shithouse is, for example, wearing jeans and sheaux or doesn’t get sarcasm, then it’s all fucked isn’t it.

Also, anyone who claims that "physiologically, girls can’t even get wet for a guy who has a weaker frame than they do" clearly didn’t have an emo phase.

I don't know, man. I’m all for positive mental attitude, but unless you’re reading a news story regarding "the frightening truth about crisps" I can't think of a single scenario in which this constitutes good advice. It mostly seems like a really fast way to involve yourself in an accident. For instance, being decked by a woman because you ignored approximately eight obvious social cues in favour of standing about, nodding intently but emotionlessly, like a cat watching a pigeon through a window.

The first rule of Fight Club for over-16s is throwing your copy out the window and forgetting it exists.

PART 2: INNER GAME

If you ignore all the bits about being a man and testosterone and dicks, this is actually fairly decent advice for everyone, regardless of gender or sexuality. All the "you are enough" and "you don’t have to change anything" stuff is very culture of self-care, very Mantras of a YouTube Yoga Teacher. The core principles of internal value sort of lose all meaning as soon as they become about tricking someone, but if you’re going to take anything away from this whole sordid little handbook, perhaps it should be: you don’t have to "do" anything to attract a girl.

Nah.

You know what: yes. I actually fully agree with the top line here. The world would be a healthier place and stupid porn regulations would not be (forgive the expression) ham-fisted into national legislation if there was a general acknowledgement that we are, one and all, horny scoundrels. But, of course, things go rapidly off course after that. If you forget about context it’s quite sex-positive until the fourth line, when self-loathing kicks back in.

For the record, it’s perfectly understandable to want to fuck someone you’d be ashamed to be seen in public with, but that shame should come from the fact that they’re a YouTuber or the sort of person who corners people at parties to monologue about the naturally occurring properties of DMT, or something. Not their appearance (unless they’re a white person with dreads).

*extremely Dennis Reynolds voice*

PART 3: HOW TO MAKE WOMEN HORNY BY PASSING THEIR TESTS

Frame, frame, bloody frame! It's all about frame with this guy, isn’t it. Have a day off, mate. Same goes for the obsession with wetness. Each to their own, but, for the most part, for women to get wet it usually helps if they’re not being systematically terrified while trying to have a Corona with their mates. You know what gets women wet? Respect for their personal space, acknowledgement that you are not entitled to anything and, for me, Fast and Furious 8.

I have thought about it, and "how the fuck are you going to handle beating a 7ft tall man to death with your bare hands when he and his tribe invade your village and try to gang-rape your girl" is without a shadow of a doubt the most insane sentence I have ever read – and I had to write a paper on If On A Winter’s Night A Traveller at university.

I think my advice here would be to "chill". On a scale of likeliness, I would say that if you don’t have the psychological wherewithal to process a woman saying, "I’m just out with my friends tonight" then you wouldn’t last five fucking seconds in combat with one of those inflatable tube men they have outside car dealerships.

Lots to unpack here. Our scholar seems to follow a logic that women act bitchy so they can… thrive in the desert? If you think of the desert as the vast wastelands of unfulfilled thirst that is modern life for women who sleep with men, just endlessly trekking through an inhospitable climate in the hope that, eventually, they might stumble upon a secure, respectful, pussy eater to tide them over for a while. Then, yeah. Bang on.

THEN THERE IS A REALLY LONG BIT HERE ABOUT "**ACTIVE TESTS" AND "PASSIVE TESTS", BUT IT'S ABSOLUTELY MAD SO I THINK IT’S BEST IF WE JUST SKIP IT AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE EXAMPLES SO WE CAN ASSESS WHAT HE'S ON ABOUT**


THE 6 MOST COMMON TESTS HOT GIRLS WILL GIVE YOU AND HOW TO PASS THEM IN A WAY THAT BUILDS ATTRACTION

Don’t do this.

Don’t do this, either, unless you’re doing an impression of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused because she was just telling you about how she really likes Dazed and Confused, especially Matthew McConaughey’s portrayal of sleazy creep David Wooderson, who is famously trapped in an embarrassing yet common period of stunted adolescence and definitely shouldn’t have got the girl in the end – like, what was Linklater thinking?

Do the first three words of this and disregard the rest.

To play MRA advocate for a second, this directly contradicts example #3, which explicitly states that you should re-approach a woman who has walked away from you. If you are to follow rule #4 as well, that basically means all you’re doing is approaching women, being rejected and running around the establishment after them like something out of It Follows. That doesn’t sound like the behaviour of someone of "strong frame" to me!!!!

I mean, be my guest. If this works then I wish you a long and happy life together, and don’t invite me to your weird wedding.