The Defensive Coordinator

The DC for my youth football team is my best friend from high school. He was a wrecking ball of a middle linebacker and led the region in tackles senior year. After being inexplicably passed over for Defensive Player of the Year at the football banquet, he quit school and got his GED. His employment history and personal life have been a bit unstable, bottoming out with a DUI arrest when he was found passed out in the bushes at Hardee’s at lunchtime. Since then, he has gotten his life back on track and is now a proud employee of Sonic. He drives a white Chrysler LeBaron convertible.

My DC stands about 5’8 and a powerful 220 lbs. He wears a “combover” style haircut similar to that worn by Chris Farley in Billy Madison. His face is often very red and he has a tendency to breath heavily. He is often seen in his Sonic uniform, but when he’s not in that, he is almost always wearing “dad jeans” that are an inch or two too long and a pair of shabby looking New Balance tennis shoes from the mid-00s. He has a #3 University of Georgia jersey from Kmart and a #10 Chipper Jones Atlanta Braves jersey that he wears a lot.

A volatile, emotional, and unpredictable person, my DC can be furious one minute and then crying the next. He is particularly prone to “meltdowns” when UGA loses a game or a key player gets injured or suspended. Indeed, the loss to Auburn in '13 is what prompted the aforementioned DUI arrest. He reads at a 7th grade level and has virtually no understanding of history, politics, or the world outside of where he lives. However, he has a brilliant football mind and is the unquestioned emotional leader for the youth football team.

The Offensive Assistant Who is on Probation for Selling Counterfeit Oakleys

My main offensive assistant was the fullback on my high school football team. After the last game of our senior season, he walked out of the locker room and was never seen at school again. I had no clue what became of him until several years later, when I learned he'd been arrested for selling counterfeit Oakley sunglasses (“Oatleys”) out of his Saturn before and after shifts at Winn-Dixie. Needing coaching help on the offensive side, my DC and I tracked him down working at a local Arby’s and asked him to join the staff. He is now on probation and still drives the Saturn.

The offensive assistant is stout and shaves his head and wears a goatee. He often wears “Big Johnson” t-shirts from the ‘90s and believes they are hilarious. He is typically seen wearing cargo shorts and tennis shoes. He is loud, obnoxious, and belligerent. He is prone to angry confrontations with parents of the opposing teams' players, the officials, and opposing coaches. He is the assistant that I've deputized as the “enforcer” with primary responsibility for making the shitty kids quit. He always orders “freedom fries” and lectures anyone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

My Cousin the Workers' Comp Attorney

My cousin the workers' comp attorney serves as our team's legal counsel. He has a fledgling law practice that mostly consists of workers' compensation work and the local traffic/misdemeanor call. He attended Kennesaw State and then John Marshall Law School in Atlanta. He failed the bar three times before passing. I rely on him to handle the team’s many issues with the youth football league, as well as any disciplinary issues my players might run into at school (which are numerous). His fee is unlimited use of a “time share” that my parents have in Westminster, SC. He wears suits from K&G Menswear and Joseph A. Bank.

Barb the Bowling Alley Manager

I am not just a great youth football coaching, but a revolutionary one as well. I recently helped shatter the glass ceiling by becoming the first coach in league history to hire a female assistant coach.

And you couldn’t have asked for a more qualified person to fill that role. Apart from Beef O’Brady’s, my DC and I hang out quite at bit at the local bowling alley, and over time we’ve come to know Barb, the alley’s manager and bartender. Barb evidently did a “brief stint” on the women’s professional bowling tour back in the late ‘80s before getting kicked off for fighting another bowler and league official at an event. She’s evidently worked at the local bowling alley ever since and runs the alley and the bar with an iron fist.

Barb is a badass. Apart from the paranormal, nothing scares my DC more than Barb. She is the one person who can threaten to kick his ass and make him stop whatever he is doing at the time. She chain-smokes Camel unfiltered cigarettes, and her voice sounds about like what you would expect for someone who has smoked two packs a day since she was thirteen years old. She has threatened numerous government officials with violence when they’ve tried to stop her from smoking in the bowling alley. They eventually decided to leave her alone. She spends almost all of her time behind the bar at the bowling alley, and I would guess she downs 12-15 Coors Lights a day back there. She’s been divorced four times.

Barb is one of those women whose age is difficult to gauge. She could be anywhere between a very old-looking 40 and 65. When not at the alley, she pretty much lives in the tanning bed, rendering her skin the color of an aged catcher’s mitt. Her hair is dyed light blonde and has long since been stripped of any natural color. She is about 5’8, quite muscular and in incredible shape (apart from smoking-related breathing), and a truly imposing physical presence. She has an affinity for airbrushed t-shirts, extremely tight acid-washed jeans, and steel-toed boots.