BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Having vowed an oath to enforce the government agency’s strict decency standards, a Federal Communications Commission sniper positioned inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel successfully prevented the live broadcast of profanity Sunday night by firing a single fatal shot into Matthew McConaughey’s left temple during the 72nd Golden Globe Awards. “All of our FCC marksmen are highly trained and authorized to neutralize any threat to public propriety, and in this instance, the real and imminent risk that an offensive word might be uttered on live airwaves necessitated the use of deadly force against film actor Matthew McConaughey,” said FCC chairman Tom Wheeler, praising the camouflaged sharpshooter who took up a position among the A-list crowd and kept his rifle’s laser sight trained on the foreheads of whichever presenters and honorees were speaking onstage, as is customary at all live awards galas. “It is unfortunate whenever the FCC must fire a lethal head shot to ensure a broadcast remains family-friendly, but we are tasked with a grave responsibility to protect the vulnerable viewing audience. Such executions are a small price to pay to ensure that millions of Americans are safe from language of a vulgar or sexually provocative nature.” Wheeler added that the FCC was “100 percent fine” with the airing of the graphic violence and bloodshed that resulted from its sniper’s actions.

Advertisement