WASHINGTON—while the Republican and Democratic primary processes have several months to run, Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton have reached an agreement to “skip all of that stuff” and kick off the general election, according to a joint statement released today by both campaigns.

“While we realize that selecting a party’s nominee for the presidency is one of the most important rights and duties of American citizens,” the statement read, “we all know how this thing is going to end, right? It’s not like you really have any choice in the matter. So can we just get on with it?

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign explained that “while there will be all these ups and downs and manufactured crises” over the next nine months, “Jeb and Hillary agree that the nominations of each party are too important to be left to voters,” and that it would be better for everyone to just get moving.

Under the terms of the agreement, Bush and Clinton will start attacking each other immediately and ignoring their “so-called rivals” for the nomination.

Said a spokesman for Jeb Bush, “we know the primary has to continue, but, I mean…come on.”

Suspicions that Bush was not taking the primary campaign entirely seriously began to emerge during the first Republican debate, when he was seen playing Angry Birds 2 while Rand Paul argued with Chris Christie.



It would be really nice if Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush would appear on stage together, soon, so that we can stop using stupid split photos like this one.