Control Tower With Women and Sex, Not Everything Goes—Thankfully

Picture this: A straight guy is arriving at his first sex-positive social event. Maybe it's a swing party, or a BDSM play party, or even just an educational demo for a sexual technique. He walks up to the door thinking, "Woo-hoo! This where I'm gonna find me some wild women! These hot-to-trot babes in here, they got no rules! They'll do anything, anybody, all the time, no questions asked!"

You know how this is going to go already, don't you? Right. He meets with freezing rejection at best, and he may be escorted out of the event altogether. I've seen this happen often, so let me break this to you gently, boys: There are still rules. No matter if she's a swinger, a kinkster, polyamorous, or just a free-loving rebel, no woman accepts every man who asks to be granted access to her body—or even most. You must understand that even the most erotically adventurous woman has what I call her sexual LCCs: limits, conditions, and consequences.

True, I have met women who tried to hide the fact that they had LCCs, so as not to seem uptight. Ladies, that's a mistake. Many guys—especially when you're talking to them online—love the idea of a woman who has sex without any LCCs. (One reason why some heterosexual men are fascinated by lesbian sex is because, to them, it seems utterly without any LCCs.)

But speaking as a woman who's been mistakenly perceived as being sans LCCs, I can tell you: In real life, it often makes men uneasy. A smart guy will sense, correctly, that such a situation is too good to be true, and get... nervous. So trust me, girls, even if you're already mentally undressing him—the sex will be better if you make it clear there are some qualifications he has to meet.

All the talk about rules might sound depressing to you guys. But LCCs aren't necessarily bad. Let's say a woman goes to a swing party. Her limit, for example, might be something like "I don't want to have anal sex." Her condition: "Anyone I have sex with has to use condoms." And her consequence: "My bus stops running early, so if I stay late to play with someone, he needs to drive me home." It's merely a question of finding sexually adventurous women with LCCs that work with your own expectations.

Limits, conditions, and consequences around sex are a feature of our gender, so bemoaning it and looking for LCC-free women is a waste of time. We might enjoy the idea of that as a fantasy. But a woman of sexual experience knows the difference between I'm having a fantasy and I'm really here, pulling down my panties for you. If you just want the fantasy, stay at the keyboard. If you want her panties off in real world, you have to know the rules.