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The executive producer spoke up: "No, we need the pop."

The "pop" is the money shot. No matter what our three stars actually got up to, we needed a close-up of an ejaculating penis to really cap this whole project. After a lot of fruitless erection-wrangling, Kid Rock said, "I'll stunt cock."

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He called Nicki over, put down the camera, and dropped his jeans, and she started blowing him. He backed up until they were leaning against Baiowulf, who had the boom in his hands and couldn't move. His eyes were as wide as saucers.

And right then, Nik Caige's penis decided to start working. He shouted for us to get over there quickly. We converged on this dude like we were filming the birth of Jesus. Kid Rock stopped what he was doing, bent down, grabbed his camera, and did that little waddle walk with his pants around his ankles to get there. And that's how the three of us, at three different angles, filmed the lamest orgasm in the history of porn.

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For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Truths About Sexual Fetishes (A Dominatrix's Perspective) and 6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working at Disney World.

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Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.