The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Final Four of Misfits Provides Public with Excitement and Danger

Yesterday, BYU and Seton Hall advanced to the championship game with two dramatic victories in the Final Four of Reddit March Madness. This season, the national semifinals were populated with a misfit bunch that aren’t usually playing this late in the calendar, and with it came all the excitement and danger one could ask for.

BYU knocked off West Virginia, 97-90, to start off the night, then Seton Hall finished off Gonzaga, 87-83, to end the doubleheader.

Both games were up in the air until the final minute or so, keeping the public on the edge of their seats. Huge shots near the end of both games sealed the deals, and those strokes will be remembered for the rest of each their programs’ histories.

“I’ll do anything for the cause,” said BYU senior guard Zac Seljaas, who made the dagger three to put West Virginia away for good. “I am fighting for something greater than myself, and it has motivated me all this time to put in the hard work and never waver toward achieving our ultimate goal: a world free from muggle tyranny.”

It is true that anti-muggle campaigning has been at the core of BYU’s run to its first-ever national championship game, and head coach Tom Riddle has made no secret about it. Deep Stroke, an anonymous source within the BYU athletics department whom I have met with several times to discuss the inner workings of the Cougars program, warned me of the danger that BYU presents to world stability.

“These people are a clear and present danger to life as we know it,” he told me, forebodingly. “BYU is one win away from fulfilling the prophecy, and there will be no turning back once that is complete. I am afraid that we can 40 minutes away from a complete and utter collapse of society.”

I took Deep Stroke’s words to heart, but not too much, because come on, it can’t be that bad, can it? Surely, myself and my loved ones will be fine. There is nothing to worry about.

Seton Hall does not present the same threat to our way of life, nor will is take part in mass killings regardless of the championship outcome, Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard confirmed.

“Well, I can promise you that we won’t commit a genocide if we win,” said Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard. “We won’t if we lose, either. In fact, I can guarantee you that Seton Hall will never play a role in the creation or propagation of a genocide. We’re pretty committed to our values here, and genocide is something that goes against those values.”

Seton Hall senior center Romaro Gill has now spent the better part of a week away from his pet and roommate, Patches the horse, which Nothing But Nylon covered prior for the Final Four tipping off. It was eating at Gill for a while, but now that the championship is in grasp, that is where the focus has gone.

“I know that Patches wants me to keep my eyes on the prize here,” Gill said, staying strong even though he missed Patches so incredibly much. “I’m going to do this for her, the ol’ girl. Being apart is tough, but it’s worth it when something this big is on the line.”

BYU and Seton Hall will play for the national championship, both striving for their first-ever crown, on Monday at 8:15 p.m. EST in Atlanta. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.