In the internet shopping world only the strong can survive. In this dusty post apocalyptic landscape there are only a few shining strongholds left coveting their precious resources and setting up complex pre-pubescant death matches where everyone is apparently hungry, (see what I did there?) the strongest, if not the most fabulously crafted from two pieces of construction paper and some autumn leaves, is Etsy.com.

If you’ve never frequented Etsy.com, its like they took a picture of Ebay with Instagram and then posted it on Amazon except that only your family and friends will ever see it and maybe, MAYBE your one supportive aunt will buy that 1960’s style wool scarf you knit (the holes in the stitching ad to its kitsch!)

But I digress, it’s easy to hate on something you don’t fully understand. So I plunged deep into the depths of yarn wallets and bottle-cap earrings to find the top 5 most ridiculously awesome things on Etsy:

#5. 8bit Fireplace Art $90.00

Do you live in a small underground bunker underneath the grease trap at Frier Tucks Deep Fried Ducks? No? Only me? Well regardless, this awesome fireplace piece is the perfect dressing for small apartments that don’t have the luxury of a fireplace or a a wonderful place holder during those warm summer months.

Its a neat conversation starter and frankly it just looks cool, the 8bit Fireplace looks awesome everywhere. I’m going to put one in my bathroom and hang a few from the ceiling, instant romantic track lighting.

Click here to see it on ETSY!

#4. Glow in the Dark Solar System Underwear-Womens $18.00

If you needed any more reason to stare at a fine woman in her panties with awe and wonder, now you have it! Explore the cosmos among other things with these finely crafted and frankly just plain fun undergarments.

I feel this is an acceptable gift for the lady-tron in your life as well as a pleasant surprise for your boyfriend when you turn the lights off. Pair these with an Atlas of the stars and a Neil Degrasse Tyson audio book and let the highly intellectual sexy time begin!

Click here to see it on Etsy!

#3. Gameboy Dress $78.00

Even though the listing says “Hand Held Game Dress” because of the fear of lawyers, we all know what they’re talking about and if Game of Thrones has taught me anything its to bang my sister that fear cuts deeper than swords.

This awesome gaming cocktail dress is perfect for any occasion. Seriously, wear it to your wedding. How cool would that be? Answer: EXTREMELY. Plus it comes loaded with catchphrases to be used at your discretion:

Creeper at the bar hitting on you?: “I’m sorry but your princess is in another castle.” BAM!

Find someone you want to see again?: “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this…” and then slip him your phone number. BAM! Now THAT’S a story you can tell your kids!

Click here to see it on Etsy!

#2. Hand Written Portraits of the Beatles Made Entirely From Lyrics $40.00

You read that correctly. An artist out of LA took the liberty to hand write all of the lyrics to the first eight studio albums word for word across four posters to make this insane tribute to the fab-four. It took him over 100 hours to complete all four and put the ridiculously awesome prints online to sell.

If that isn’t enough he also made a portrait of Jack Nicholson from The Shining by writing “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over 1500 times. If you don’t know why this in awesome look it up. Seriously, Wikipedia it, that scene is scary as shit.

And at $40.00 a pop I finally have something to grace the wall of my man-cave, or as I like to call it “The U.S.S. Fight Club, Godfather and Big Trouble In Little China” room.

Click here to see it on Etsy!

#1. Nicolas Cage is a Vampire $100,000.00

You may have remembered this chestnut from a while back when the internet was a buzz with the rumor that Nicolas Cage was an immortal vampire who reinvented himself every 75 years. Makes sense. But then a few years later it seemed we all finally found proof.

That’s right, actual photographic evidence that Nicolas Cage was alive during the 1800’s and had some sort of palsy it looks like. If that isn’t enough, the original can be yours for a mere $100,000. I’m thinking I found the perfect stocking stuffer!

Click here to see it on Etsy!

Like what you saw? Well toot a little song on your Warp Whistle and check out monkewithamonocle’s other posts: 4 Mario Power-Ups I Wish I Had In Real Life and What Your First Pokemon Says About You.

Post your incredibly inferior opposing viewpoints and/or your well thought out and finely crafted appreciation below; OR contact the primate himself at monkeywithamonocle@gmail.com