Well, it finally happened. Thanks to The Washington Post, we have leaked details from inside the first few official days of Donald Trump's administration, and it sounds like everything is going smoothly and professionally. In fact, I'm sure our brave and powerful new president is... Okay, that was 280 characters. There's no way Trump reads more than two tweets’ worth of information, so now we can speak freely. Guys, the Trump administration is even more of a fucking shitshow than we could have imagined.

The whole piece is worth your time, but there are three anecdotes in there that I have to talk about. First, some behind-the-scenes info on Sean Spicer's furious teacher routine on Saturday, in which he flat out lied about the size of Trump's inauguration in stark and absurd language. Well, it turns out America wasn't alone in thinking Spicer did a terrible job—Trump thought he blew it, too. But because he's a delusional maniac, his problem with the unhinged statement was that he didn't think Spicer was unhinged enough.

Many critics thought Spicer went too far and compromised his integrity. But in Trump’s mind, Spicer’s attack on the news media was not forceful enough. The president was also bothered that the spokesman read, at times haltingly, from a printed statement.

Donald Trump thinks that the guy who angrily went out and scolded the press while yelling easily disproven lies was too reserved? What did he want Spicer to do? Break the podium over Zeke Miller's head like he just betrayed the nWo Wolfpac?

But, as if that weren't enough, this section made my eyeballs bleed. (Someone please call a doctor.)

Trump has been resentful, even furious, at what he views as the media’s failure to reflect the magnitude of his achievements, and he feels demoralized that the public’s perception of his presidency so far does not necessarily align with his own sense of accomplishment.

This is unquestionably true and obvious, but I have to ask: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! The poor billionaire who rode a wave of xenophobia into the White House is sad that the public doesn't think his presidency is good enough? Let me help you, Donald. You want us to think you're great? Do something great. Who am I kidding? That would be ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, the best part of the piece, from a purely comedic standpoint, is this nugget of gold about the location of Kellyanne Conway's office:

One suggested that Conway’s office on the second floor of the West Wing, as opposed to one closer to the Oval Office, was a sign of her diminished standing. Though Conway took over the workspace previously occupied by Valerie Jarrett, who had been Obama’s closest adviser, the confidant dismissively predicted that Trump would rarely climb a flight of stairs.

Our nation's future is currently in the hands of a man whose confidant is pretty confident he's too lazy to climb a single flight of stairs to go see one of his top advisers. Luckily for us, we all know that it's not like the problems of the government are as grueling as walking up stairs.

Thanks, Obama: