WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr was booked on charges of drug possession, resisting arrest and obstruction of justice. All this, following his refusal to allow capital police to examine the spoon-style pipe police allege he used to smoke meth on the Washington Mall today.

“The police approached me while I was minding my own business, demanding to see my pipe. They claim it smelled of something they called ‘meth,’ whatever that is,” said AG Barr in a jailhouse interview. “I wasn’t bothering anyone, and they had no reason to suspect that I, a hoody-wearing smoker of a fine powder, breaking into a full run at the sight of the police, was a criminal. I didn’t feel in my heart that the police had a legitimate reason to put me in handcuffs, so what they did is illegal.”

“Everything I did after they asked to see my pipe, from eating its contents to smashing the pipe itself, to running from the police, was justified because I believe I am innocent. You can’t obstruct justice if you don’t think you are guilty,” he said sounding increasingly fraught and wired. “Hounding me just because I threw away a thing that would have been evidence of a crime if there were a crime, and there wasn’t because I don’t feel there was and there is no evidence of a crime because the only evidence was destroyed because there wasn’t a crime and thus it was evidence of nothing, is, therefore, a crime.” he continued, at rapidly increasing speed.

Capital Police Chief Joshua Morgenstern said in a statement that this “flagrant flouting of the law” by a major public figure was “unacceptable” but as everyone in a position to charge AG Barr will be ordered to stand down, “we plan to release him with a full bag of meth, a fresh lighter, and some strong, meaningless words, because there is no justice, only a long national tragedy as we slip into chaos and kleptocracy.”