Remember when your pops told you that masturbating would give you hairy palms? Thankfully, that wasn’t true (although we wouldn’t need gloves if it were). But what if all the scary propaganda about marijuana use was actually accurate? You’d be one big-breasted, horny dude, as you’ll see in our breakdown of the insidious (mythological) effects of the demon weed.

1. H-BOMB BRAIN DAMAGE!

In a 1966 speech, Ronald Reagan said that a single joint could fry your brain like a nuke. He must've been scoring off the same dealer as this chick.



2. PREMATURE AGING!

Think you're part of a youth movement, punk? "The weed" speeds up the aging process, so soon you’ll look like...Ronald Reagan?



3. HARDCORE DRUG USE!

Sure, you enjoy a mellow high now. In months you’ll be doing so much H that you’ll rob your mom! Your momma, we said!



4. MALE BREASTS!

Might have something to do with all the Twinkies...



5. SEX OBSESSION!

You will be unable to control your filthy sexual impulses. And your white women will...it’s best not to mention.



6. MELTING!

According to a 2009 PSA, smoking pot turns you into Gumby. Fortunately, Gumby is the man.

Illustration by Bicicleta Sem Freio.