Because there are some things you just don't learn if you don't personally own the equipment.

Image: Stocksy

As the mother of one very vocal three-year-old, I am astonished by just how much of the male's world actually does revolve around their genitalia.

As a woman who has never had to grow a penis, there a quite a few things that, quite frankly, surprised the hell out of me. So, for all you mums-of-boys, here are the most important things I've learnt about the family jewels.

1. Baby balls are GIANT

Ladies, if you're reading this and your baby boy is still in the womb, get prepared. Those testes are mammoth, but it's nothing unusual. Babies usually come out full of fluid - a result of the hormones they received while in your womb. That fluid collects around the eyes and genitals, but it does go away within a couple of days, so it's best you just marvel at their largesse while it lasts.

2. Even babies get erections

OK, I was shocked when my son suddenly sprang a stiffy. I thought erections only came in early puberty, but man oh man was I wrong - he was only a few months old! I was changing his nappy and up it popped, along with a sort of glazed-eye smirk ... 'Thank god he can't talk yet' was all I could say.

Common childhood rashes 59327 Common childhood rashes

3. Penises can vanish

Yes, as surely as the tricksy buggers can pop out and make nappy changing awkward, so too can they disappear. Just like a turtle, a little boy's penis can retract back into the body. It will reappear at some stage, or you could just place your peace fingers on either side of it and push down - it should just pop out!

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4. Prepare for it to be a hot topic of conversation

"Mummy, my penis is growing and growing all the time!" he says in the bath. "That's nice dear," I reply. Prepare for a thousand and one variations on this theme until he moves out of home. Sigh.

5. He will play with it All. The. Time.

Trust me, you will get so sick of saying, "Are you sure you don't need to do a wee? Because you look like you need to do a wee ... For God's sake can you just stop touching it so I can stop panicking that you actually need to do a wee and are about to wee on the sofa?"

6. 'Ballooning' is a thing

About a month ago, my son was refusing to go to the toilet. He needed to go, but he said his penis hurt when he did. When he did a wee I noticed that the end of his penis bulged before any urine came out and after about a week, it stopped and everything went back to normal. Little did I know, this was possibly 'ballooning.'

"Ballooning is an indication that the normal separation of the foreskin from the glans penis has occurred," one study cites. "Ballooning is a transient condition that goes away as the prepuce continues its natural growth and development and the opening at the tip further enlarges. Ballooning is not injurious, and it is not a cause for concern."

Fascinating stuff. Obviously if your child appears to be in pain, you should check with your GP first!

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7. It's not pus, it's smegma (and that's OK)

If you notice small white or yellow lumps beneath the foreskin or emerging from the foreskin opening, don't panic! While this discharge is often mistaken for pus, smegma is a natural and completely harmless substance that occurs before the foreskin becomes retractable.

8. You will spend way too much time obsessing over which way it points

I'm talking about nappies here. You'd be surprised by how powerful a urine spray can be and if that willy is pointing skywards, you're going to have a whole lot more laundry on your hands.

9. Hands off is the best approach

Thankfully, the best piece of advice a mum can get is this: unless your child appears to be in pain, the penis looks particularly red or inflamed, or there is a hair wrapped around it, just help the little man give it a wash and leave it well alone. He'll play with it enough to work out the other stuff in his own sweet time.

Image: Stocksy

Penis and foreskin care tips

Your son's foreskin should never be forcibly pulled back for cleaning. There is no need to clean inside the foreskin in young boys.

Once the foreskin is easily retracted, your son should learn to do this as part of normal washing in the bath. Ensure he rinses off any soap and pulls the foreskin back to cover the head of the penis afterwards.

Wash the penis the same as any other part of your son's body and be careful to rinse off any soap.

Make sure you change wet or dirty nappies promptly.

Try leaving him without a nappy for short periods of time (fresh air is helpful), especially if he has nappy rash.

Soak in a warm bath to soothe red/ sore skin. Dry thoroughly afterwards.

Do not apply antiseptic creams or lotions to the penis or foreskin (unless prescribed by a doctor).

Source: Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne.