CHICAGO—Easily spotting what they described as a textbook example of a fabricated crime, members of the Chicago Police Department on Friday credited their own extensive experience falsifying evidence with helping them solve the case of actor Jussie Smollett’s staged attack. “We’ve been doing this sort of thing for decades, so we were really able to bring a lot of expertise to bear on this matter,” said CPD superintendent Eddie Johnson, adding that his officers—many of whom have built their careers on falsifying evidence to further their personal interests—were quick to notice similarities between Smollett’s letter containing crushed aspirin and their own tried-and-true method of planting cocaine on drivers during traffic stops. “One look at that letter, and our detectives, who have forged hundreds of documents themselves, knew it was a fake. And of course, the supposed attack was immediately suspicious because nearly all violent crimes in this city end with a dead black man at the scene. So this was very much an open-and-shut case.” Johnson went on to state that it was a shame Smollett had taken on too much too soon and wasted his potential talent for covering up unlawful, self-serving behavior, as the young man could have had a bright future with the force.

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