Im a 21 year old male and as long as I can remember, when I fantasize (masturbate) its about myself being a woman with a man. Although I also fantasize about being myself and having straight sex with women. I enjoy fantasizing about being a women much more however, I always want to fantasize about this but I force myself to fantasize about being a man so I don't feel guilty afterwards. Also I should mention I finish much faster and my orgasm is much much more satisfying when I let my inhibitions go and allow myself to fantasize about being a woman.

I have had several girlfriends all of which I was very sexually active with. I enjoyed the sex we had but not as much as I should of, for instance sometimes I couldn't finish or I would think of anything no matter how dirty it was just so I would *** and it would be over with, afterwards I felt a little better as I was "the man" feeling good after sex. Now I even avoid sex with women because I feel I won't be able to finish which might dissapoint them. Basically I feel I know exactly what women want. I am very romantic and make even a not so attractive girl feel like a gorgous queen, however I often act like I'm just the dumb boyfriend who doesn't know much about women. I have never had an encounter with a man, I have never had the chance and I have also have never fantasized about being myself with another man. Although I have fantasized about dressing up as a woman, shaving my legs and acting like a woman to please a man sexually.

I do cross dress occasionally, as soon as I put panties on I start getting a *****. Ive never been in public as a women and Im not sure I could handle it, especially at this point, I feel safer in my room. As far as when Im in public not thinking sexually I usually feel fairly comfortable in my body. Although often I will put myself in a womens shoes who is in the room and I feel good and sexy. I try to imagine the world as being that woman, Im not sure how what I feel about it, it seems to feel good but difficult to determine.

In public though I do feel like one of the guys, everyone thinks Im straight cause Im always eyeing girls and what not, I really can't help it Im a sucker for the female, but later when I fantasize about that girl I end up fantasizing about being her and being taken by a man. I have also fantasized about being my girlfirends and being taken by my best friend which disturbs me greatly. Also when I fantasize its typically very hardcore and vulgar such as getting used by men which you see in pornos, I love the idea of being a pretty piece of meat for several men, lying spralled out getting cocks shoved in my mouth and my ***. I love the idea of being dominated when I am fantasizing about being a women. A few years ago I got into femdom which reassured me that I was a man by gender defenitions. Yet the idea of being feminized and all of that also seems like a poor alternative with someone who might have gender issues.

I have realized that all my sexual partners were fairly submisive, maybe if I meet a smart dominant women she could reasure me of my place as a male in the world. I would also like to experiment with men but Im not sure not that many homosexual men would enjoy me dressing up and acting female for them.

Basically this is eating me up inside, I want to get going with my life but I cant stop thinking about these issues and how they will affect me in my future. I have thought about what it would be like to live my life as a woman and although it drives me sexually and to an extent emotionally fullfilling ((I think(sometimes when Im with my father I feel like I should have been his daughter all along)) I dont think I could go through with it. I dont feel like I would be comfortable as a women in public (and im not sure if Im saying that cause I dont want to or the fact that no one would except me and I would loose my friends). Also the idea of getting anything done to my body that is not natural(any kind of implants/surgery) scares me. I do know there are other alternatives such as simply cross dressing in public but that doesnt seem all that appealing right now. For now Im refraining from having serious partners for I fear their rejection, but in the future I would like to share my life with someone (either a man or a woman).

I know this was a long post but I couldnt put it in any shorter terms, if any one has any advice or similar experiences please share. I have been tempted to see a gender therapist but Im a broke college student.