SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing political turmoil across the globe and the grim realities of life on a planet facing a climate crisis, jaded local woman Kristen Sloane told reporters Monday that she knows better than to try to bring a tomato plant into a world like this one. “You take a look around yourself, see the way things are these days, and you’d either have to be incredibly selfish or just plain naïve to subject an innocent cherry tomato seedling to all this,” said Sloane, who mentioned the spread of terrorist attacks and right-wing nationalism as just two of many factors that have discouraged her from starting a home garden. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want some little vines of my own. It’s just that when you consider the world could be facing a mass extinction, not to mention inevitable wars over dwindling resources, you start to ask, ‘What’s the point? What am I even raising heirloom varieties for?’ And if I’m being honest with myself, I can’t justify growing a single tomato, let alone enough to put on salads and make sauce from.” At press time, sources confirmed Sloane was steeling herself to euthanize a wild strawberry plant that had blossomed along her backyard fence.

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