So I finally got around to seeing La La Land last night, and I’m just going to come right out and say it. I do not understand the obsession with Ryan Gosling.

I know that statement is going to be met with all kinds of heat, but come on!

In The Notebook, Rachel McAdams had a choice between Ryan Gosling and James Marsden. That’s not even a tough decision. James Marsden all day long! La La Land would have been so much better if Channing Tatum had been the lead, because a) he is way better looking, b) he can actually sing, and c) he can actually dance, as evidenced by his hilarious role in Hail, Caesar! (which I thought was a much better Hollywood movie about Hollywood than La La Land, but that’s beside the point).

Hey Rachel, how is this even a hard decision???

The fact that Ryan Gosling is perceived as a heartthrob is the biggest con in popular culture. It’s like two studio executives were hanging out at a bar on the Strip one night and one of them bet the other that he could convince the movie-going public that the next guy who turned the corner was a big effing deal, even if he was hideously ugly and had visible ear wax. Ryan Gosling happened to be the next guy who turned the corner. He doesn’t have earwax protruding from his head, but he’s certainly no George Clooney.

Ryan, I mean no offense to you personally. You’re Canadian, so I’m sure you’re a nice guy. I think you’re a somewhat capable actor. You’re decent looking, even if you have droopy eyes. You have a certain offbeat charm. I am just bewildered as to why you’re included in the same category as Brad Pitt, Leo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, Matt Damon, Idris Elba, Ryan Reynolds, Jude Law, or Jon Hamm.

First, Gosling literally means “young goose.” When I hear “Gosling”, the first thing that comes to mind is a cute, fluffy baby bird with clownishly large feet that might pal around with the characters in The Trumpet of the Swan as a plucky little sidekick. It doesn’t exactly scream swarthy. Can you even imagine a goose giving you a smoldering stare? The baby goose thing probably worked for him when he was an adorable little Mouseketeer with JT back in the day, but not now. Even JT is more of a heartthrob!

Ryan Gosling also has a really weird voice. It’s kind of high, his nose is stuffy, and then he does this weird “tough guy” delivery that sounds almost as fake as Matthew McConaughey’s Texas accent. It’s certainly not the rumbling baritone of a Clark Gable. I’ve long maintained that Ryan Gosling has sinus issues. It sounds like he had a sinus infection that never cleared up and the gunk is just sitting there in his air passages. Somebody, please get that boy some antibiotics or take out his adenoids. Or both. Until then, I’m more likely to laugh than swoon when he starts whispering sweet nothings.

But really, when it comes down to it, there is one crucial reason why Ryan Gosling is not and should never be a leading man: he is, and will forever be Alan Bosley from Remember the Titans.

I’ll bet you forgot he was in that movie. Gee, why might that be? Because he’s not a leading man! He’s not a heartthrob! He doesn’t even look like he COULD play football! Alan is the dorky, skinny kid with the irritating country music who willingly takes himself out of the championship game in a tight situation so the injured Petey Jones can play instead, because he knows an injured Petey is a heck of a lot better than he is. It’s all coming back to you now, isn’t it? At any time during that movie did you think that Alan — not Gerry, not Julius, not even Sunshine — but Alan! would be turn out to be one of the hottest men in Hollywood? I don’t think so.

Maybe Ryan Gosling represents the ideal man of the Millennial generation: these men are more comfortable sipping fair trade coffee in skinny jeans in Portland than herding cattle in West Texas. Granted, ideas about masculinity have changed. It is healthy for guys to show a softer side and even embrace the feminine. But to me, Ryan Gosling is like the sidekick friend or sweet younger brother who the main character in a movie turns to when she’s had her heart broken and needs to have a reassuring, emotional conversation to build up her self-esteem. He’s the buddy that gives the pep talk so the girl can get back out there and find Mr. Right.

Maybe everyone else sees something I don’t. I think Ryan Gosling is cute enough, but I wouldn’t go straight to handsome. He’s a decent actor. Not amazing, but solid. Not particularly funny. He’s put on a little more muscle since the days of Alan, but doesn’t have the Superman physique of Henry Cavill. If I had a choice between either Canadian Ryan — Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling — I’d go with Ryan Reynolds every time. No question.