Very Real Future Europe Map By theroofcannon Watch

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Hello, this is my map of what Europe will look like in n+5 years, where n is the year you're viewing this in. If you look at the map and see politics based on it, you are correct. Unless those politics are racism. I am not racism, thank you.



Now the description of the map.



Mucho Communisto: Imagine the Soviet Union, but more. After the revolution of [n+3], which came about as a result of the spiralling out of control of the [current divisive political issue], Mucho Communisto was formed as a union of the revolutionary states that rose from the mayhem. They have policies, but because I don't understand political ideologies other than my own personal hodgepodge of unrelated beliefs, I will not go into more detail, unless someone in the comments presents something that sounds plausible and all I have to do is nod and say 'yes, I meant this the whole time, indeed'. They own part of North Africa because "Mucho North Africa" is funny, and also because I don't like putting more than two countries in Africa if I can help it.



Nationalist France: To differentiate them from the other France on this map. "Nationalist" is used primarily because when I look at maps of civil wars between "Reds" and "Whites", the White faction is generally called nationalist. And the French are fighting Mucho Communisto, so it fits pretty well, right? Yeah. Anyways, Nationalist France is sandwiched between the openly-hostile Mucho Communisto, the breakaway regime of Britannia (I am sure that the people of Britanny are just yearing to rip off the Parisian yoke, any day now), the incredibly confusing but probably also hostile regime of Switzerland, the European Union Reich and the Kingdom of Monaco. The last two have gobbled up areas of France, including its most populous and wealthy regions. As a result, Nationalist France also has policies. They do a lot of stuff like: conscription, building tanks, militarized schools. Wow!



Britannia: Headed by a ruthless dictator who spurs the region's development and seeks to strengthen his own rule during the Mucho-French war, Britannia is mostly characterized by what I think a smart dictator would do. So they have policies, which are very effective, meant to increase industry and strengthen their armed forces. They also do a lot of political repression, which I will mention offhand but mention so infrequently you'd be forgiven for thinking Britannia's people want to spend 12 hours a day slaving away for miniscule wages in order to support a disproportionately large navy and a fortification system that would earn the title of "Maginot 2" if I knew who Maginot was.



European Union Reich: Ruled by cyborg Merkel (long may she reign; I sure hope I don't date this map by satirizing the lengthy political career of a politician who has announced she's leaving politics) from Cyber-Berlin 2, the EUR is a bold step forwards, in the sense that it combines every "Fourth Reich" trope with a vaguely 'the EU is tyrannical'-hued message. The EUR is way stronger than the normal EU, despite the fact that it's lost most of its members and has apparently decided to attack France instead of defending it from Mucho Communisto. Anyways, the EUR also invaded Dover in order to stop Brexit by force. I am not worried that Brexit jokes will become old, because by the time of [n+25], it will still be happening!



Switzerland: Did you know that Switzerland technically has no federal capital? Neat! I bet they'd keep that if they turned into vaguely authoritarian communists. Also, they're not allied to the SRI or Mucho Communisto because of leftist infighting, or something. Maybe they're just third-way-ists?



Kingdom of Monaco: Bravely manning the front lines of capitalism using stolen French land and lots of tax haven money. It's a kingdom because whatever title they have in real life is lame, and with no one to stop them I'm sure they'd upgrade to King anyways. They're virulently anti-communist, but not embroiled in a suicidal two-front war because they're smart, or something. Ignore the pressure of being pinned between two hostile regimes and the inevitable friction of internal politics which is part of what caused a lot of historical "dumb moves", they're smarter than that.



Socialist Republic of Italy: It turns out a lot of people in northwestern Italy like Kaiserreich (the popular HoI4/DH mod, in case you're not familiar). They're syndicalist! That means communism, but less angry, I think. They don't like Stalin, and they have cool stuff on their flags. Also, none of them have accused me of harboring beliefs I'd rather not confront, so they're automatically better than adherents of actual political ideologies.



Italy: Mussolini 2 (no, that's not "Mussolini the Second", it's "Mussolini Two") is preparing to take control of the country to fight the Slovenian Empire and return the SRI to the fold. His critics say things like "but you can't just say last time wasn't real fascism, that's not a counterargument", but he has successfully distracted them by annexing Corsica.



Slovenian Empire: It's always the ones you don't expect. Slovenia is embroiled in a massive air war with Greater Slovakia, as they decide to settle who the real SLO will be from here on out. They mostly fight in the airspace of NEUTRAL Hungary Neutral in Slovene-Slovak War. Please do not attack, whose economy is at this point built on selling wrecked airplanes to either side. They also grabbed chunks of Italy and North Africa because I don't understand the reasons why some countries were able to temporarily seize large areas of land in the past, and so I just handwave it as being "like when Germany got so much land in WWII".



Macedonia: Years of nationalism are finally paying off for Macedonia. When asked the question "is Macedonia Serbian, Greek, or Bulgarian?" they made the big-brain move of reversing the question. Instead, Serbian, Greek and Bulgarian are Macedonian!



Megalia: Megali himself wept a tear when he saw this country declare itself. Why it happened, I don't know. I like the aesthetic of Megali Idea maps, but don't like the associations of ethnic cleansing, suppression of minorities, or tensions that would come with the likely efforts to Hellenize the areas that would follow if this ever happened. So I'm going to handwave it, and say the locals just wanted it really hard. There's also no Greece, so I guess they're just their own thing now. Turkey didn't stop them because they're too busy doing magic.



Syria, Syrian Rebels: Assad got the incredibly skilled idea of just attacking most neighboring countries after letting the rebels conquer areas of Syria between him and those countries. So to get to him, those countries would need to beat the rebels for him! Unfortunately, the rebels instead just won, and annexed all of the land.



Iran: Finally living up to their name, Iran saw all the shit going on in Europe and decided to leave. They're traveling west, buying condos on Sri Lanka to move into. Behind them is Uncolonized Land, because that's how this works.



Kurdistan: The top minds of Europe decided to finally solve the Kurdistan issue. Drawing on the spirits of the finest 19th and 20th century European statesmen, they used a ouija board to determine where to put the country. For some reason, the Kurds are still upset.



Kyrgyzstan: I'm going to level with you here, until I looked it up again I'd been calling it "Kyrgygstan". Oops! Anyways, they eat Russia because BigRussia is boring, but Russia is so big that it's a lot of work to break it up. There also aren't many good ways to do so, at least if you want to seem realistic. So it's really best to just replace the whole thing with something new, to draw the viewers' attention away from how low-effort a move it is. As for how they conquered Russia? I dunno, man, how did the Mongols do it?



SCAM-dinavia: A Swedish guy lied to me once, and ever since then no one I've talked to in Sweden has recognized the vague description I gave them. From this, I've decided that Scandinavia is fake, or something. You know the joke about Finland being a conspiracy? Imagine that, but more half-assed.



Greater Slovakia: I like the twist on there being a Czechoslovakia-esque country, but instead it's just Slovak imperialism. Honestly, they should've had their hour in the spotlight of repressing other peoples. Anyways, their capital is Ultra Bratislava, which is build on a giant platform atop Gerlachovský štít, the tallest point of Slovakia. They did this because it sounded like a cool idea to me, personally.



Evil Hungary: Not actually evil. Briefly under the control of a fascist regime, they swiftly realized that they had accidentally scapegoated the wrong set of minorities, so they had no one to commit politicized violence against or deport. As a result, they lost popularity until a miltiary coup happened to them. However, the junta ran into the issue that they don't have enough land to form Transylvania, and can't form Eastern Hungary until Western Hungary exists. So they're stuck!



Poland: Poland saw all the shit that was happening in Europe, remembered what happened last time things went to hell, and said "nope, not this time". Rallying behind the only party whose patriotism was utterly unquestionable, the Polska Partia Przyjaciół Piwa, they proceeded to annex the ever-loving hell out of their neighbors in what I'm not going to call a Blitzkrieg not because I know the term is one invented by journalists and not a proper technical term, but because that would kinda be poor taste, y'know? Anyways, they won all their wars because they're fast.



Northern Ireland: The Irish issue is a bit confusing, and in the context of a British Civil War I'm not sure how things would go - it'd be messy, though, and probably involve a worseing of the situation and some violence, though. So instead I went with a compromise that everyone involved would hate to their very bones! The capital is Limerick because in English class I heard that's a type of poem, and that was funny, so yeah.



Britain is self-explanatory, really. It's just what's currently happening, but without the need to appease John Bercow. He does a vanishing act, like the Avatar in A:TLA, and that thows the whole country into chaos. The Queen straps on a jetpack and two flame-throwers to search for him on the Moon, and I don't think the Brits are held together by anything more than those two people, so I don't need to explain the civil war any further than that.

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Published : Aug 22, 2019