ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

In an effort to keep himself isolated from others, both physically and spiritually, a local bus driver rummaged through his freezer today trying to find something for lunch.

Yesterday, Darcy Fumes found an errant fish finger that had obviously slipped out the back of the packaging the last time he had a box in there.

“That was good,” he said.

“I mashed it up with a fork and put it on some toast. Then I drenched it in MasterFoods smokey barbeque sauce, the state sauce of Queensland,”

“This isn’t a plug for MasterFoods, by the way. When you think about it, their sauces are pretty shithouse compared to the lexicon of other, locally-owned sauces out there on offer.”

The 34-year-old spoke to our reporter from his balcony, which runs parallel to our reporter’s in the apartment block.

“I’m trying to get through everything in the fridge and freezer before I go to the shops. I read the other day that coronavirus can lead to a massive increase in strokes, even for asymptomatic people. Like you could be young and healthy one minute, the next you’re flopping about on the ground like carp on a riverbank! I don’t know, maybe do your own research. But that put the fear of Jesus in me,”

“So for lunch today, I’m having these weird beans I bought to make a bento box. Don’t ask me why, I just went through a mad bento box phase. That was about a year ago, so I’d say these beans are way fucken older than that. I might cut one in half and count the rings!”

When asked what he was having for dinner, Darcy smiled and look away.

“A pint of kalamata olives and the juice they come in. The only grog left in the house is this dusty half-bottle of vermouth so I might have to polish that off, too. No waste in this house.”

More to come.

