NEW YORK—In a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. “For too many years, the New York City MTA has failed to meet the needs of scowling riders repeatedly muttering ‘Fuck this shit’ under their breath, but today, we’re excited to announce that individuals about to blow a fuse will now be offered seats where they can have a second of goddamn peace,” said spokesman Aaron Donovan, adding that the initiative would cater to the roughly 1.7 million city residents who find themselves on the brink of daily violent meltdowns by adding a minimum of four seating options by the entrance of each subway car, rail car, and bus. “Those seats reserved for customers one bad moment away from flipping their wig at any second will have signage indicating them as such. Those who are clearly going through some serious shit and wearing an expression conveying ‘Not today’ have long been overlooked, so, as always, offer your seat to the critically cranked-up when at all possible.” Shortly after their introduction, thousands of transit passengers across New York City were seen going totally fucking apeshit upon discovering the priority seats already occupied.

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