ATLANTA—Promising the new addition to their product line would provide “that sexy, slender look,” undergarment maker Spanx, Inc. announced Wednesday it would begin offering its first-ever shapewear hood, designed to smooth away unsightly heads. “The Spanx Hood is made with a comfortable nylon and elastane blend that re-sculpts the face while molding the head into that sleek shape that’s so hard to get without a personal trainer,” said company spokesperson Erica Lichtenberg, adding that the new face-hugging hood’s side panels flatten the ears, and its revolutionary jaw-pocket lifts and sharpens facial features to give wearers lips, cheekbones, and eyebrows in “all the right places.” “No more jiggly jowls or lumpy foreheads. Once you’ve squeezed the hood over your head, you’ll get the same svelte visage Hollywood celebrities have when they’re walking the red carpet. With your shapely new head, you’ll feel fabulous and ready to take on the world.” Lichtenberg added that the Spanx Hood should only be worn for a few hours at a time, as prolonged wear can cause the human trachea to become compressed, leading to a slow, painful death by strangulation.

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