Alright, before we even start – HNIRobertPaulson, this is not the Ponak’s men’s bathroom review. I swear to you it’s coming. But my wife is a nerd and we have a spreadsheet we’re working through. It’s coming.

Now then – let’s talk Pho.

“What’s Pho?” you might be asking. To which I would respond by slapping you in your stupid face for living a half-life filled with nothing but sadness and disappointment. You’re parents also probably hate you in this scenario. You also exclusively eat at Applebee’s.

Then I’d tell you that it’s the motherfucking broth of the Gods.

BEHOLD.

You can’t hear it, but trust me that there are several angelic hosts singing with no fewer than seven trumpets. There might also be a french horn. I can’t be sure though because it’s pho-nominal.

See what I did there?

Ok. So it might look simple like your cousin. But it’s not. You need this in your life.

And the best place to get it in Kansas City is Vietnam Cafe in Columbus Park.

Columbus Park, for those of you that subscribe (please subscribe) to this blog, is having a food explosion. Vietnam Cafe, Happy Gillis and Columbus Park Ramen Shop are all within walking distance of each other. I kinda want to move here. Except I’m not Italian or Asian. I’m a giant, pale, reddish-haired former Canadian. They can smell that I’m an outsider about 9 kilometers away. But that leads me into my second reason why this place is the best.

The ladies that own/operate this place ALWAYS hit on me hardcore whenever I eat there.

And I love it.

They are all around 4 foot 11 of pure male objectification. It’s fantastic. Men rarely get to feel like pretty ladies. It’s great. I like it. The only other times in my life that I feel attractive or sought after is when we get drunk and mistakenly go to a gay bar. Which, FYI, is also awesome. I love drinking for free. It’s the coolest. Girls don’t know how awesome they have it.

But I digress.

Vietnam Cafe is also awesome because it doesn’t fuck around with it’s pricing. You can’t tell, but that photo above (Egg Noodles in broth with BBQ Pork – Mi Xa Xiu) is about the size of my wife’s torso. And it only cost $7.25.

Yeah.

“What about apps” you might be thinking? First, I like your style. Apps are the best. Second, they are even cheaper.

These pork egg rolls were only about $2. Super crispy. Super rad.

They have a variety of other broths as well. Katie got the beef stew variety.

Just fantastic.

They give you a side dish filled with bean sprouts and stuff so that you can customize your pho. I add jalapeños and Sriracha and hosin sauce. Because I ain’t no posing sauce.

It’s also worth mentioning that they give you the good kind of chopsticks. You know, the kind that you don’t have to snap off and shave down the splinters like a fucking peasant.

There’s also a ton of non-soup dishes. Noodles stuff, rice stuff, stuff stuff. But this place is for Pho. Don’t be a loser.

The space itself is…meh? About 92% of it’s character comes from the ceiling. It’s one of those tiled ceilings that all the cool antebellum buildings in the south have. Everything else is fine. Nothing special. It’s not a romantic place. It’s not a dirty place. It’s not a cool space. It’s a “eat great food” space.

Now the moment maybe 4 of you have been waiting for. The bathroom.

How was it? Here is the only photo you need.

It was God Damn glorious.

RYAN:

Taste: 9/10

Value: 10/10

Environment: 6/10

Bathroom: Probably a portal to Narnia.

Katie:

Taste: 8/10

Value: 9.8/10

Environment: 7/10

Bathroom: Didn’t go. But Ryan won’t shut up about that fucking painting.

Go there.