Hello! My name is Catherine (@Thenormalestone on twitter)

I am an ex-chud.

Let’s start from the beginning…

I grew up in a strict Catholic middle class household. I came out as ‘gay’ when I was 16. My parents did not approve, but they told me as long as I didn’t “act gay” or bring boys over I could stay in their house. I never felt like a gay guy. I had boyfriends but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to be sexual with them. I hated my body. I found out I was trans but stayed closeted for years. My mother passed away in 2013 and from that point on I knew life was too short to live miserably so I started HRT against my fathers wishes. He already hated having a gay son and disowned me for coming out as his daughter. I was completely isolated from my family and some of my friends.

At this time I was already watching atheist youtubers like Logicked, Creationist Cat, Hugo and Jake, Armored Skeptic, Cult of Dusty and TJ Kirk. They helped me come to terms with being an atheist and not feeling like such a degenerate for being gay (and now trans). I met a lot of other “skeptics” in this community and became e-friends with many people some who I’m still friends with today. The atheist community was fun and welcoming. It was cathartic “owning” christians and saying things to these bigots that I wish I could say to my own father.

Eventually like most of the “skeptics” I became an anti-SJW around GamerGate. At the time there were only very few “anti-feminist” channels. Thunderf00t, TJ, The Honey Badgers, Noel Plum, MundaneMatt, The Internet Aristocrat, Shoe0nhead and Sargon of Akkad. I stanned the hell out of all of these people. It felt good being part of a movement. After being such an outcast all my life I finally felt like I was a part of something. I did all the usual anti-fem things. I mocked Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn, I made “attack helicopter” jokes, laughed about “triggered feminists” and all of that really dumb reactionary nonsense. I thought “the left” was evil and hated free speech. I thought feminism was bad because Buzzfeed and college kids. The feminists were the new religious right in my eyes. They used similar rhetoric and tactics as the religious right. They had the same “holier than thou” attitude my parents did. They were the next target we had to take down. And to this day I admit a lot of the feminist content WAS bad and needed to be called out.

I started calling myself a “centrist”. Being a centrist to me was being above “both sides”. I didn’t want to align with the right because I still saw the right as the religious folk I grew up with. I didn’t want to align with the left because.. well.. SJWs?

I was a HUGE Sargon fangirl. I was a patron supporter in 2015 and would tweet at him almost every day hoping senpai would notice me lol. Cringe. Sorry. Sargon’s chaotic, edgy energy was entertaining and magnetic. A lot like TJ Kirk but “smarter”. (Now I know it’s only because Sargon has a posh British accent.) There was something about him that spoke directly to my edgy anti-authority self. We were taking down the evil ess jay double yews! And I’m not going to lie, it was fun. There was a sense of “community” in the chudo-sphere. A community that was rapidly growing each day. I became a HUGE fan of Blaire White. She was like an idol to me. A beautiful outspoken trans woman that didn’t “fall in line”. I was also a patron of hers. Because of Blaire I felt comfortable being a Trump supporter. Yes, I was trans but Trump held up an LGBT flag! That means he supports us! Yes, I was a “centrist” but I liked the way Trump “owned the libs”. Totally a centrist, right?!

In 2016 I voted for Trump. I was undoubtably a right wing chud.

I remember Shoeonhead in particular was “too liberal” for me after taking back her opinion on NB folks amongst other opinions she held. I saw this as her being a “traitor” and “going against everything she stood for”. I remember tweeting at Blaire White telling her “knock some sense into your friend.” Oof.

I became pretty well known in the anti-feminist circles. I was on Twitter every day tweeting their talking points yet barely adding anything different or interesting. Despite being vapid horseshit my tweets got very popular. When I look back at it now it was obvious I was being used as a token minority.

I would often see boomers tweeting me saying “This is a REAL transgender!!” “Why can’t all trans people be like this??” “I support trans women who are like this!” It was EXTREMELY validating. I felt amazing. I would mock people like Riley Dennis all the time calling her a “trans trender” and be met with thunderous applause. I was the only REAL trans woman. Just me and Blaire White. The only REAL trans women.

I remember fighting with other trans girls on twitter about how things like “tr*nny” was not a slur and calling them “snowflakes” for hating Blaire White. (Yes I actually used the word snowflake) I would even defend some TERF talking points like “I have a penis therefor I’m not a woman. I shouldn’t be in women’s spaces.” Yikes.

Around this time I was retweeted by PJW and other right wing people for a really cringe tweet that said something like: “I’m a trans woman and the Left is hurting trans rights!” Along with a picture of myself holding a trans flag and wearing a maga hat. The tweet went viral. (I don’t have the picture anymore so don’t worry, I won’t curse your retinas.)

This got me from 2,000 followers to 4,000 followers almost over night.

Most of my new followers were chasers and chuds. One of them took a serious interest in me. He slid into the DM’s one night and we got lewd. This is when I started dating an alt righter. (A story some of you may have already read on my twitter)

This guy was full fash. Not your milquetoast conservative reactionary. I mean full fash. He had the fash hair and was blonde, green eyed.. obsessed with his heritage. Had one of those nazi sun symbols above his computer desk. Would post alt right “tHiS iS WhAt ThEy tOok frOm uS” trad propaganda on twitter. But he was good looking and I was insecure. I had just started HRT not too long ago and felt like an ugly clockable manbeast. So if any man showed any interest in me I would hop on that d*ck. He was my first bf living as a woman.And he made me feel validated.

For nearly 5 months I dated this chud IN SECRET. He wanted to keep me a SECRET from his family and friends because I was trans. He would tell me all the time “Never tell anyone online that I’m your bf, do you understand?” One time one of his buddies came to his house to pick something up and he had me hide in the closet. I did. This is how much I hated myself back then.

Not only was he a secret chaser but he told me he had a cuck fetish as well. I’m no kink shamer but this was a 180 to how he acted online. He called people cucks and degenerates all day. He once told me Lauren Southern dated a brown guy and he was really angry about it. He said his cucking fetish was ok since I’m ‘a male’ and can’t get pregnant and race mix.

I was in too deep and scared to leave this guy. We got into a big fight one day and he threatened to out me to my place of work. Something he knows I was always very paranoid about. I drove off and never saw him again.

I deleted that twitter account, he deleted his. I’m sure he goes by a different name now.

I was off of Twitter but was still subscribed to all of my favorite anti-fems on YT. Shoe0nhead had a livestream going one night so I popped in. Someone super chatted her asking who her favorite left wing youtubers were and he praised a channel called “Contrapoints” so I had to go check it out.

That was it.

I binged all of Natalie’s content and had the biggest realization of my life: I was an idiot.

Natalie was not a screaming SJW like I was always told “the left” was. She was a calm, collected, articulate, creative goddess with an amazing sense of humor. I found myself agreeing with almost everything she was saying. She was not talking down to the audience or making us feel like assholes for believing stupid chuddy things. Instead she explained things in a way I understood them. Unlike other lefty channels I watched in the past, I didn’t feel knee-jerk defensive when she spoke. I sat and listened to her and found myself nodding and smiling often. I know it sounds really stupid now but I was unaware a lefty could be so cool.

From Contra I found Shaun, three arrows, Philosophy tube, hbomb, Peter Coffin and so many others. I watched as the anti-feminist e-celebs I loved were “owned”. Like literal gods being struck down right out of the sky.

I remember watching hbomb talk about Sargon and for the first time realizing how stupid Sargon really is. The “facts over feelings” thing was all a facade. They were all feelings and no facts. It was all about LOOKING smart and giving off the illusion of intelligence. It’s about making your opponent look “overly emotional” while you look mature and calm. When you peel bad the vapid “free speech” talk it was nothing but right wing rhetoric and bullying marginalized people. It was a weird feeling seeing someone you once admire get so humiliated in such a classy way. The realization that Sargon is bad person, and that I’ve been funding a bad person, hit me hard. The realization that I helped someone so vile and disgusting, hit me hard.

In the span of a year I went from “centrist” to “democratic socialist” and removed my patron pledges from Sargon, Blaire and others and instead gave them to Hbomber and Contra. And Shoe. I really felt bad for treating Shoe like some kind of “traitor” to the anti-SJW movement for apologizing to enbies. I also felt like I owed her something for introducing me to Contra and inadvertently breadpilling me. I’m not afraid to say I’m a fan of Shoe. I think despite her past, she is a good ally and means well. Same with Jeff Holiday, another anti-SJW, who has fought the alt right head on. His family has been doxed and harassed because of it. Yet I see people like Dusty Smith, someone I once admired, dragging up old drama to dismiss these two every single day. Sending a clear message to everyone “You will never be pure enough.”

Attitudes like this make me feel unwelcome amongst breadtube. If and when I do start making videos… will I be pure enough? Will someone remember me from my old account, bring up my old tweets and cancel me? Did I do too much damage by voting for Trump? Is it too little too late?

The right props up people like Candace Owens who “used to be left wing” and treat them like superstars. Hell, they’ll give them their own show. They love a good redemption story. They love their Rubins. At a time where we have nazis openly marching in the streets we can’t afford to gatekeep. We can’t afford to cancel potential allies over old bad takes.

I firmly believe the best way to counter the right’s rapid indoctrination of young people online is to simply be better than them at their game. This is easy considering they have no game. Their game is all a facade. They completely malfunction when faced with anyone who is not a screaming college activist. I don’t think LeftTubers realize how important their work is. I guarantee many people will relate to this blog post. I don’t know what I would be doing now if I never sat down to watch Contrapoints’ videos that night. I would probably still be hating myself for the approval of those who hate me.

If you are a centrist, right winger, “classical liberal” or “anti-SJW” and you feel lost because you see how radical some of your friends or favorite youtubers are becoming- I was where you were. Come to the left. Or.. at least hear us out. We’re not all screeching blue haired SJWs who hate free speech. (I mean, sure, some of us have blue hair. Mine is currently neon orange.) Come on over. Grab some eggs and milkshakes. You’re going to need them. ;)