Inside the football world, everyone knows there is one coach who holds the blueprint for shutting down Rob Gronkowski, the seemingly-unstoppable New England Patriots tight end most recently seen catching two touchdown passes in the Patriots’ playoff win over the Kansas City Chiefs.

The coach in question is revered for his remarkable ability to make freakishly athletic tight ends, like the 6-foot-6, 265-pound Gronkowski, seemingly disappear on the field of play. This coach will never stop Gronkowski, of course, because the...