Orientation for the Pastaphysics Department

So the idea came out of seeing "pataphysics" and thinking it said "pastaphysics" and then thinking about what a department of pastaphysics would actually be. Then I started writing and it got a lot more serious than I expected. A little explored part of the Foundation, I think. Hope y'all enjoy it. ▸ More by this Author ◂ Translations: F.A.Q.

My name is Dr. Jeremiah Cimmerian. I'm a member of the SCP Foundation's Ethics Committee. Some of you look a bit confused, which shows that you're not stupid. You might even be asking yourself what the Ethics Committee has to do with the food service staff.

Well first I'd like to ask you how much you enjoyed the stale donuts, cold coffee, and warm soda. Probably didn't enjoy it much yesterday either. Every meal you've had this week has been terrible. That's by design.

Some of you were recruited directly from the military. Some of you are trained civilian chefs. Others have worked in fast food for years. Treat the stale donuts as an object lesson: A good meal can make a world of difference in both mood and morale.

The people you're going to be feeding are going to be working with some of the most dangerous objects in the world. If Dr. McDoctorson is working with a potentially world-ending artifact every day he's bound to get a bit listless.

The wrong mood at the wrong time and maybe the good doctor makes a mistake that no one can recover from. What if instead they wake up thinking about the pizza you're gonna be serving at lunch instead? The effect a good meal has on efficiency and safety cannot be overstated.

That's only half of your purpose. And it's not why I'm delivering this orientation. The SCP Foundation is a sort of research organization. The world is much stranger than we let on. Some of you are even on track to receive security clearances of your own. You've likely already learned, at least around the edges, what kind of strange and wonderful items we keep in containment.

What you haven't been told about yet are the living anomalies. Yes murmur murmur. I get it. That's not in the brochure. Sadly, "we're also a prison" isn't a good selling point for hiring the best of the best even with a six-figure salary.

To protect the world we put people under lock and key. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This causes problems that you will need to find some of the solutions to.

Let me talk to you about Jacob Mackenzie. He was an accountant born with an anomaly that caused local seismic disturbances if he experienced pain. The disturbance worsened depending on the severity of the pain. His anomalous nature was discovered and he was contained by the Foundation in his mid-twenties.

He had a number of dietary restrictions. He was not allowed frozen foods for fear of a brain freeze, he was not allowed sharp or hard foods on the off chance he might cut the inside of his mouth, and he was not allowed spicy food of any kind. His favorite type of food was Mexican. At the time the people in charge of his containment also kept him under the effects of narcotic pain medications almost round the clock.

His nutritional requirements reflected this reality, of course. He required higher than average hydration due to the medications he was using, for instance.

Those in charge of his care didn't need to enforce the dietary restrictions, however. At the time the Foundation fed the same meal to every sentient object. A poorly-flavored mush that was cheap and could keep a human alive indefinitely.

Jacob experienced a period of serious depression and took his own life in 2004. The entirety of Site-134 was lost in the seismic event that occurred during that incident.

Would a meal from Taco Bell have solved Jacob's depression? No. But if we'd been paying attention we'd have noticed he wasn't eating as much any more. And maybe such a meal combined with a host of other precautions would've helped.

You will still run into old-school Foundation staff who treat the objects under our care as prisoners. They both are and are not that. We are not jailers; we are caretakers. Most of these people have done nothing to deserve punishment and imprisonment. They are in containment for their and the world's safety, but they should be treated with gentle dignity and respect.

This is why the food service staff were put under the Ethics Committee's purview in 2005. It's why you attended a number of orientations this week with the newly-hired entertainment staff as well.

Each of you will be in charge of a site or project's food needs. Some of you will have a staff of dozens, others will work alone. No matter what you do, you will need to study the objects under your care. Their wants, their needs, their mood. This is all your concern.

You will not, however, be alone. You are one of many failsafes that we have put in place to save the life of the next Jacob Mackenzie.

If you need more information about a person's history or preferences than the dossiers tell you, then you should contact the intel department. They will help you. If you run into particularly stubborn Researchers who you think are negatively affecting the psychological health of those under your care, you will contact the Ethics Committee Liaison for the site or project you are assigned to.

There will be more meetings this week and many of you will be receiving specialized one-on-one briefings for the object or objects that will be under your care. I'll leave you with the food service staff's motto: Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to feed everybody you meet.

You may've smelled the pizza in the next room. We've got bread-free and vegan options. And hot coffee. And cold sodas. Have a nice day.