You can find the full article published here on the Charisma on Command blog.

Imagine, you’ve just met someone new on a networking event. . .

Maybe a potential investor, partner of a supporter. Maybe a senior VP or an old colleague who can get you in touch with the right people. It's very important to make a good impression, so people trust you and connect with you.

Conversation rolls for the first few minutes, but then a familiar roadblock: you both feel like you’re running out of things to say, so you implement a tactic you’ve heard before: To be interesting, be interested! Get them talking about themselves.

You unleash your probing and incisive questions, which are clever and you are obviously listening to the other person’s answers, but as time ticks on, you sense they want to speak less and less. After a few minutes, they excuse themselves to mingle with others. Or to go to the bathroom (riiiiight).



What the heck happened? Isn’t showing a genuine interest in people supposed to be a conversational cure-all?

Well, not exactly, because the conventional wisdom of: “get them talking about themselves” is incomplete. Sure, people like to talk about themselves, but not with everyone.

People only want to talk about themselves with people they have some reason to care about.

It’s not perfectly nice, but it’s the truth. When people we don’t know or respect barrage us with questions, we often just want them to scram.

So what should I do to have a good conversation if not ask questions?

Start with this principle: People admire, respect, and want to talk to those with non-judgmental conviction in their own values.

If ALL you do is ask questions, you’re not showing any conviction in your values. You’re not even showing your values. But if you make statements about your values or follow your questions up with those kinds of statements, it is a whole ‘nother ballgame.

Take the example of the senior VP at the networking event. Say you’ve gotten on the conversation of his interests:

Him: “Yeah my family and I took a trip out west to go skiing last week. It was fantastic.”

You: “Oh wow, had you been out there before?”

Him: “Yeah we try to go every year. The kids love it.”

You: “What was the best part?”

Him: “I guess this one trail that is like 45 minutes long, it had beautiful views throughout.”

All questions. Good ones too. But people WILL tire eventually. Plus people may feel like they're being interrogated.

Contrast that with the following:

Him: “Yeah my family and I took a trip out west to go skiing last week. It was fantastic.”

You: “That sounds amazing. I’m not much of a skier, but I love to mountain bike. There is nothing like that heightened awareness you get when you’re flying down the side of a mountain. I’m an addict for all things that do that.”

Him: “Me too . . .”

Now you’ve shown something about yourself and it doesn’t matter that you’ve never skied or that he’s never mountain biked, because when you cut through the surface level facts of what you’re talking about, there are always deeper values. A love of adventure, of pushing boundaries, of escaping the mundane.

So when meeting new people don’t just barrage them with questions. Relate to them. Take the information you get in the first questions and use it as an opportunity to reveal something about yourself. Don’t worry if what you have to say doesn’t totally agree with their statement. You can even have opposite feelings. As long as you are revealing your values in a non-judgmental way, you’ll have lots to talk about and no one will be offended.

The next time you find yourself in a conversation asking more than 2-3 consecutive questions, slow down. Remember, the goal of conversation is not simply to get someone talking about themselves. It is to relate to one another’s values. So listen to their answers and see what values they are revealing. This will also help you get an idea of what kind of person you're engaging with and if you want to do business with them or not.

A good conversation is not about just getting someone to open up and talk about themselves. It is not about you agreeing with everything they say. It is not even about you connecting on things that you have in common.

It is about comparing, contrasting, and relating to one another’s values. Find opportunities to share yours with conviction and without judgment. Other people will follow suit and you’ll make connections like never before.

I hope you enjoyed reading this post! Let me know if you found it helpful and feel free to share your experience in similar situations.



For weekly inspiration, HowTos and tips on charisma and social skills please sign for our newsletter!