Dateline: Brazil—A 36-year-old office worker has successfully sued for the right to watch porn and masturbate while at work. Ana Catarina Bezerra Silvares allegedly suffers from a chemical imbalance that causes severe anxiety. According to Bezerra, the only way to alleviate her anxiety is to masturbate. Bezerra, who works as an accountant, says she used to masturbate up to 47 times per day. “That’s when I asked for help,” said Bezerra. “I knew it wasn’t normal.” Now, thanks to a “cocktail” of tranquilizers prescribed by her physician, Dr. Carlos Howert, she only has to masturbate 18 times a day. According to Brazilian media sources, a judge in the Labor Court of Vila Velha granted Bezerra the right to access erotic images on her work computer and to have a 15-minute masturbation break every two hours.

Dateline: Michigan—A Burton man refused to give up his precious, precious beer and even used the all-purpose intoxicant to fend off a would-be robber. According to a report in the Flint Journal, the unnamed 45-year-old victim was walking home around midnight from a gas station on South Saginaw Street where he had purchased a can of beer. Shortly after leaving the store, he was confronted by an unknown assailant who pulled out a pocket knife and demanded money. The victim told the robber he’d spent the last of his money on the can of beer. Undaunted, the robber demanded the beer. Unwilling to surrender his suds, the victim swung the bag containing the canned beer, striking his attacker in the side of the head. The suspect ran off and the victim called 911. Police are searching for the suspect, described as a 5-foot-9 male, 170 pounds, with black hair and a mustache.

Dateline: Ohio—Police in Columbus are searching for a man who they say robbed a bank on the city’s east side, but not before complying with the bank’s “no hats, no hoods” policy. FBI Special Agent Harry W. Trombitas told the Columbus Dispatch the incident began around 4 p.m. on Wednesday, May 18, when a suspicious man in a dark, hooded jacket entered the PNC Bank on South Hamilton Road. The hood concealed the man’s face, and an employee, pointing out the bank’s “no hats, no hoods” policy, asked him to remove it. He did, exposing his face to the bank’s security cameras. The shady customer then handed the teller a note saying he had a gun and would shoot her if she didn’t give him money. The thief—described as a white male in his mid-20s, 5-foot-5-inches tall, with short brown hair—escaped with an unspecified amount of cash. Columbus police are now circulating several very clear photographs of the man’s face from the bank’s surveillance cameras. “Law enforcement credits PNC Bank employees with enforcing the 'no hats, no hoods’ policy, which caused the man to take down his hood, revealing his face to surveillance cameras,” Trombitas said.

Dateline: Washington—An inmate at the Snohomish County Jail who allegedly stabbed his lawyer in the neck with a pencil earlier this month is now accused of doing the exact same thing less than a week later to another lawyer. Accused murderer Joshua Monson, 27, stabbed his defense attorney Tom Cox in the neck with a short, jailhouse pencil—similar to a golf pencil—during jury selection on Monday, May 9. Monson was back in court on Friday, May 13, for a motion to stay action in his criminal cases so he can receive a mental health evaluation at Western State Hospital. Perhaps to drive home his point, Monson took the opportunity to stab his new attorney, Gurjit Pandher, in the neck with another pencil. According to The Herald newspaper, Pandher was not seriously injured and returned to work after being treated by a nurse. Snohomish County sheriff’s spokesperson Rebecca Hover later told the newspaper, “The inmate is currently being held in the booking area in a restraint chair, and any future movement of him, as far as appearances or anything like that, will likely occur in a restraint chair.”

Dateline: Washington—In an act of instant karma, a man who allegedly stole a tip jar from a restaurant in downtown Seattle on Thursday, May 12, was struck by a city bus as he fled the scene of the crime. According to Seattle police, the man snatched the donation jar from a business on Third Avenue and Columbia Street around noon. He ran with the jar across Third Avenue and was hit by a northbound Metro bus. No one was chasing him at the time. The suspect was taken to Harborview Medical Center with life-threatening injuries. Police say that the bus driver was unable to stop in time, but they are continuing to investigate the accident. The driver has been relieved of duty during the investigation, said a Metro spokesperson.