TOUR DIARY

Johannesburg Diaries: A wild ride

by Kaushik Rangarajan • Last updated on

AB de Villers can do everything on a cricket field, but on the ramp...? © Cricbuzz

January 18 - Pink Day

It's a mad dash across town from Centurion to Johannesburg today. It needn't have been this hectic given there's a one-week gap before the Wanderers Test. Yet here I am in an Uber at a barbaric time in the morning (8am) with my eyes barely open. Today's the grand launch of the "Pink ODI" - scheduled to be played on February 10 to raise awareness for breast cancer. I'm told some South African players will be made available for media activities. The Indian players, meanwhile, have broken into groups and headed to different places - some have opted for game drives in the nearby Pilanesburg reserve while some others have taken recluse at a private resort. Some video journalists are on their tail, apparently.

I make it on time to the Long Room in the Unity Building of the Wanderers stadium, but Mahide's frowned burrow at the entrance tells me I'm mildly under-dressed for the occasion. He tells me that a T-shirt and cargo shorts don't quite cut it in a banquet room of three-piece suits and dresses, but because the media wasn't briefed, I will be let in. Ad van Heerden, Miss South Africa 2017, doctor, marathoner and a lieutenant at the Military Hospital all rolled into one, is in attendance. A quick scan around the hall and I find other sleep-deprived anomalies waiting at one corner of the room by the pancake stall. The event begins with a ramp walk. Van Heerden is as graceful as ever. AB de Villiers not so much. He has never looked more uncomfortable walking 22 yards.

January 19 - Apple mystery

It's a late start to the day given there are no work commitments. There's an apple by my bed that I'm pretty sure wasn't there last night. I'm reminded of that pineapple incident from the TV show 'How I Met Your Mother'. As I amble past the reception to the hotel restaurant, I spot an interesting sign board that quickly solves the mystery of the apple.

"We have placed an apple in every room since we opened in 1999. Enjoy your apple."

I return to the room after breakfast and see that my roommate has already enjoyed the apple. He seems content. When I walk back past the reception later in the evening, I casually enquire about the on-call doctor facilities and panic ensues. I have to reassure them there's nothing wrong with anyone and that I, in a manner of joke, had just wondered if they needed to employ doctors given they give every room 'an apple a day'. No one is amused. I fear, they may make an exception to their tradition with me.

Giraffe likes a good pat ©Cricbuzz

January 20 - Close encounter with a tall friend

With South Africa not scheduled to practice on the day, there's a full afternoon and evening ahead to explore Johannesburg. I look up the nearest safari option and hire a cab to take me there. The safari is fairly standard - that means lots of deers - until a giraffe goes out of its way to make the experience memorable. Frankly, it needn't have bothered. I was impressed just by observing it from 100 metres away. After walking around the van, it decides to stick its neck into the van. Having not expected this move, I'm naturally taken back by this elegant visitor's presence. Because I'm the closest to it, the naturalist asks me to make the giraffe "feel welcome." I wonder what she meant.

I offer the giraffe a tentative pat on the head while cameras click away behind me. I don't want the clicking sounds to annoy the giraffe given my proximity to it, but the giraffe seems comfortable with all the attention. The naturalist then uses a systemic whistle pattern to get the giraffe out of the van and it duly skips out, elegantly arching its head through the window back outside. I make a mental note to tip the naturalist for the experience.

January 21 - Isotonic sports drink

It's a hot summer day in the Highveld and India are hard at work after a couple of off days (Tests). The media contingent seems refreshed too and stories of 'African escapades' fly thick and fast. Dinesh Karthik has joined the squad as a replacement for the injured Wriddhiman Saha and has made quite an impression on the journalists already with his yellow wicket-keeping gloves. He is second going into all 'keeping drills, after Parthiv Patel. But, given this management's penchant for belittling preview predictions, no one is rushing into any judgement on the first-choice keeper for the Test. After waiting patiently in the sun for a while, one journalist decides to ask a member of the India support staff for water. The generous official returns with all kinds of refreshments. I get an isotonic sports drink. I have to google to find out what it means (contains similar concentrations of salt and sugar as in the human body). I finish my work quickly today.

A fellow journalist informs me about a famous South Indian restaurant chain in the area and I make it a point to drag a couple of unwilling colleagues with me in the night for dinner. Dosa tastes the same after 21 days although the chutney lacks consistency. I'm only happy to pay for the food. If this restaurant wasn't 14 kilometre away from my hotel, I would visit every day.

January 22 - A day of premonitions

After an evening of furious typing, I find myself unable to flex my middle finger. After panicking for a bit, I recover enough to perform basic actions. But I reach out to the team physio for a consultation during the practice sessions. He prescribes a nice anti-inflammatory pill. It's early practice for him for all the finger bruises he has to treat on this minefield of a pitch.

Bethuel Buthelezi, the head groundsman at the Wanderers, is happy to talk to journalists about the 'green' pitch he's so affectionately prepared. He says it'll have pace, bounce and seam. (It'll have more but no one knows at this point)

When Ravi Shastri walks for the press conference, a bunch of us is caught unaware because we are engrossed following the scores of the third-set tiebreak between Novak Djokovic and Hyeon Chung at the Australian Open. In one of the more revealing Indian press conference, the candid Indian coach admits that his team should have travelled earlier to South Africa. He also gives a quotable quote about the playing surface. "The good thing though is people won't crib and moan when matches in India get over in two and a half days."

In contrast, Vernon Philander's presser is surprisingly underwhelming. No one remembers to ask him about his impending 50th Test match. In retrospect, he did look a bit shifty. Everyone's still coming to terms with Djokovic's exit.

Wine tasting? Hardly a 'Bullring' thing to do ©Cricbuzz

January 23 - The Bullring

Wanderers lives up to its name. It's a significant walk from the entrance gate to the press conference room. Thankfully though, that distance is made easy to commute by the downward slope. To get to the press box from there is a more veritable walk around the ground in an easterly direction. It's only when you climb up to the fourth-floored media box, does the stadium's moniker 'The Bullring' make more sense. The setting certainly evokes a gladiatorial feel. The stands at the Golf Course End should have an intimidatory effect on the players, with even the slightest whisper amplifying itself before reaching the players in the middle. On one square boundary is the grass bank. Exactly opposite to it is the grand stand comprised of rickety wooden benches that seem too dangerous a seating for school children. The mind wanders to the great games at the venue - The World Cup final of 2003, the 438 game, the World T20 final of 2007, the India-South Africa Test of 2013.

Across the road from the historic stadium is the Wanderers club, that has served the sporting ambitions of the Illovo district for 87 years. Julia has been a receptionist there for 20 years and she reminds me of the tragic events of October 2004 when the clubhouse was burned down by a fire that was set off in the kitchen. Among the cricket memorabilia lost forever was the bat with which Graeme Pollock made his legendary 274 against Australia in 1966-67.

Back in the media box, the journalists are asked to vacate early on the preview day because of a wine tasting exhibition on the evening before the Test. I know what you're thinking. Wine tasting? Hardly a 'Bullring' thing to do.

Keeping the doctor away... since 1999 ©

January 24 - Tsotsi

It's a testing day for India on the field and a testing day for us off it. I think Jack Dorsey owes my colleague a phone and some dollars for disruption of peace of mind. Come to think of it, he owes me a hefty chunk too. If he had not invented Twitter, my colleague wouldn't have been sitting in a restaurant and flipping through his phone. And he would still have the phone with him.

We had heard about the high crime rate in Johannesburg and been careful of venturing out solo after dark, or walking outdoors. In a restaurant, with the staff there and not sitting near the door, we thought we were safe. Johannesburg speedily taught us not to take that safety for granted. Order placed (they had vegetarian options in pizza, which might be the only proactive thing they did), we were waiting at the table and my colleague had his phone out. In walks a youth so brazen he would probably try to walk down the track to Curtly Ambrose on that Wanderers pitch while chewing gum, staring him in the eye, and drawling out abuse. He taps my colleague on the shoulder, waits for the psychological moment when he's distracted, snatches the phone out of his hand and runs out.

My colleague gives chase, an all too brief one, in which the only things I learned were: a) Don't chase criminals when they make off with your stuff and b) What are the choicest abuses to utter when someone has made off with your phone?

It is futile because the thief has a car waiting outside which zooms off immediately. We sustain some bruises, from slipping and falling in the chase and from me banging my knee on the door, but are otherwise OK. If I have to look at positives, as captains are sometimes asked after terrible defeats, I would say I learnt another South African slang. A tsotsi (pronounced tsoh-tsee) is a petty criminal.

January 25 - Bramley police station

While Hashim Amla is matching Kohli and Pujara with grit and class of his own, we are at the Bramley police station. A copy of the case file is needed to get a duplicate sim card issued. It's an unnecessarily long process. The officers get us to go from one floor to the other and back to the original before the file is found. Then it's back to the first floor where the photocopying machine is placed.

When we return to the stadium, news of our misadventure has spread among the media contingent. The story is narrated multiple times and sympathy is milked.

January 26 - Pitched battle

India put in one of their bravest batting performances ever. Murali Vijay channels his inner monk by leaving balls in the channel outside off-stump. Balls begin to rear up from a length and hit him but he bats on for nearly a whole session. Kohli scores another superlative 41 but Rahane shows his class with a counter-attacking 48. One of his cover-drives elicits a "Did India actually drop this guy for the first two Tests" from a South African journalist in the press box.

In the media box, Michael Holding uses the word 'sh*t' thrice in his description of the pitch. Sunil Gavaskar shares retro tales of bravery. But once Dean Elgar cops a blow to the face, the game abruptly stops for the day. There's a frenetic search for the official rules. Half an hour back, not many knew about pitch law 6.4.4. Now everyone's an expert. The day ends with two explosive press conferences from the media managers of the two sides and (surprise, surpise) Ajinkya Rahane. India want to play, South Africa are concerned about player safety. Journalists from both sides are concerned about their match, scheduled at the venue at the end of the Test series.

January 27 - Another Kohli press conference

This time he's found his swagger again. He is asked if he thinks the team perceives it as 'Us vs The World' scenario. He puts the same question back to the media but everyone gets his answer. While we wait to hear from Faf du Plessis, a journalist explains to me about buffalo auctions in South Africa. It's a weird conversation but it's intriguing nonetheless. They are revered animals here, like race horses in other places. The wider the horn span, the costlier the buffalo. Cyril Ramaphosa, South Africa's virtual president in waiting once bid in crores for a buffalo but pulled out eventually. The insightful conversation is abruptly interrupted by the South African captain, who insists it's OK to exploit home advantage in the name of designer pitches. Pitches again? Aren't buffaloes more exciting?

January 28 - The Jolly Roger

It's 10:30 and a bunch of Indian journalists are making calls in search of a watering hole. The early finish to the Wanderers Test means there's time to get together and watch the Australian Open men's singles final. The famous Parkhurst pub 'The Jolly Roger' agrees to accommodate us all. It ends in a jolly mood for the Roger fans as the great man captures his 20th major title. And with lasting memory, many journalists make their way back to India.

I, on the other hand, am headed to Durban for the start of the limited-overs series, which promises to be very hectic.

© Cricbuzz

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