On Tuesday, Apple released a letter to its customers regarding the FBI’s attempts to get them to do something they didn’t want to do, something the mere thought of which made them cringe. The FBI was requesting special access to Apple’s back door, and Apple wasn’t having it. Today, the FBI responded.

A MESSAGE TO APPLE FROM THE FBI

We saw the letter you shared with the world, yesterday, regarding our request to get busy in your back door. Frankly we’re surprised you would share such a personal and intimate request with everyone we know, but we all make mistakes from time to time. One thing we can promise you is that this wouldn’t be a mistake.

Look, we’re just asking you to try it once and see how it goes. We suspect it’ll be less painful than you imagine, and you might even find you like it. Rejecting it on principle alone is, if anything, a bit prudish, which definitely isn’t the Apple we’ve come to know, and, dare we say it… love.

This isn’t the 70s when computers and backdoor action both were still rare, spoken about in dimly lit clubs by people who were into the scene. Back then, they were something “regular” people didn’t discuss in mixed company. Now everyone is doing it. In fact, you aren’t the first we’ve done this with. You aren’t even the first of your friends we’ve done this with, but we won’t say who we’ve done it with because that’s not who we are.

So before you say No, we just want you to think about it. We know you’re worried about bad guys getting access to your back door, which is understandable. We don’t know what it’s like to have to worry about that all the time, so we aren’t going to presume to tell you how to feel about that. Just know that we love you, we’re going to take care of you, and we think this could really take things to the next level between us.

Yours Truly,

The FBI

Apple’s response so far: