‘It’s 1AM and I decided I wanted a milkshake. So there’s a McDonald’s near my house. I’m greeted at the drive thru by the following sentence:

“Hey holy shit hello, you are at McDonald’s, and I am begging your patience.

There are no other cars here, by the way. I’m caught off guard so I mumble “Um, ok you can have it.”

The voice comes back: “Praise you.”

So I sit for a minute, then he finally returns and says “please tell me your order”

So I say “milkshake” I don’t know why that’s all I said.

“I’ll need a minute”, he replies. I realize I did not describe my desired milkshake in any way so I yell “I need to tell you what kind.”

He is gone for several minutes. When he returns he says flatly “we aren’t going to be able to do the milkshake. I do have many apple pies.”

Do not ask me why I did this but the next words out of my mouth were “Are you ok”

“I am not ok. Would you please tell me your order so I can try to punch it in? I will be very slow, but I will get it.”

My chicken sandwich order confuses him. Several minutes are spent repeating what I want on it, watching the screen as he tries over and over.

At one point I guess he gave up because the screen just went black for a while.

I hear a deep exhale. “Dude I lost my wife”.

“I’m sorry, man, I-“

“Please describe your chicken sandwich to me again so I can succeed at one thing.”

Anyway he finally gets it and then says “I really do feel bad about the milkshake situation. Can I sell you an apple pie?”

“Fine. I will buy an apple pie.”

“Apple pies are cheaper than milkshakes anyway.”

“Ok, thanks”

Then there is a weird series of beeps and when his voice comes back in he is fucking SCREAMING into his headset: “I FOUND HER! THANK GOD!”

“What? Who did you find?”

“MY WIFE. SHE WAS WATCHING ME FROM BEHIND THE BOXES!”

At this point I have ordered a chicken sandwich I do not want and an apple pie I do not want and no milkshake and I’ve been here 22 minutes

“Can you give me my total” I say because honestly I don’t know if I want to understand his marriage or if I even could and I just want to go

So he says “your total is 8 HOLD ON my wife is here and she wants me to tell you she will sell you 2 apple pies at a discount”

“What is the discount?”

“2 apple pies for only 2 dollars. You should take it.” (Note: One apple pie is $1.19)

“Give me the extra pie”

“She says thank you”

“Tell her I said no problem”

Why am I talking to his wife like this why

I pull around and they are fucking making out in the window and he has his thumb out like he is aware I will be driving up to this

Both of these people are in their mid-40s

They unstick themselves from one another and I hand him my card “sorry about this. I haven’t worked at McDonald’s in 16 years” he says

I say “it’s fine” to which he says “FINE just stands for FUCKED UP, INSECURE, NEUROTIC, and ERROR-PRONE”

His wife cackles and says “I knew that when I was 13, get with it, man!”

I have been here 37 minutes.

I am then treated to a story about how they met at a McDonald’s that is very short and is really only “we met at McDonald’s in 1993”

So listen I get my card and drive ahead to the next window and THERE IS A WHOLE SEPARATE F**KING HUMAN AT THAT WINDOW

He hands me my bag, leans out the window and says “you get to drive away” then promptly shuts the window and sits on a stool, head in hands.

My chicken sandwich was wrong, by the way.