Army

Look, I'm not going to be the one to say anything negative about these uniforms. They're honoring soldier-scholars who are also athletes. That's a deadly triple threat.

The new logo is Athena's helmet with a sword sticking through it. So I'm only going to assume they're insinuating they can murder a Greek goddess, which I guess you have to believe since they're soldier-scholar-athletes. They look cool as hell, too.

The all-black looks like battle armor for an evil Captain America. It's extremely lit.

Louisville alternates

I have questions.

What is going on here?

Are those feathers on the arms? Gray feathers? For red birds?

Is that an "L" on the side of the pants, and why does it look like it's facing the wrong way even though it's facing the right way?

Why is the bird so angry? It's a cardinal. It's not a bird of prey. It eats seeds and insects. How could that possibly be menacing unless they're playing the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs?

Why are there feathers on the socks? Well, at least those feathers are the correct colors.

This is so bad, so damn bad. Not lit at all. It's pretty dim. It's "you've been voted off the island" dim.

Miami

They were unveiled at nightclub Liv while Pusha T performed. I didn't even know what they looked like, and I already knew that it's lit. They even had Yeezys there. I might buy one out of moral obligation at this point.

Nebraska alternates

Sigh. It's just ... *pinches bridge of nose with index finger and thumb* ... I just feel like ... at least it's not as bad as last year's, right? Progress needs to be praised but I mean, like ... you know, maybe it's my fault for expecting better.

The uniform looks like a regular uniform that fell asleep under a tree and the shadow of the falling leaves took it over like the symbiote with Spider-Man. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

North Carolina

Can you ever look bad in Carolina blue? Getting pummeled by a Tar Heels linebacker is like being suffocated by a pleasant summer afternoon.

It's a lovely color, and now it comes with argyle, which looks like pixie dust. Sure, it looks weird and unnecessary on the side of the pants for the black uniforms in the same way that the blue numbers do. It sticks out sorely.

But the other than that, can't complain too much. It looks like a classic already. Wouldn't say that it's lit, but it is cool.

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Notre Dame alternates

Notre Dame is playing at Fenway. Hence, 'Green Monster' uniforms, which are extremely green. http://t.co/Io5tC198IS pic.twitter.com/4AXFYPgHT2 — SB✯Nation CFB (@SBNationCFB) August 13, 2015

I love the gold for the studs of the cleats, but let's all be honest with ourselves here. Green isn't really a color that you want to base a uniform on.

Sure, it's a cool color. It's a calming hue. It represents nature and everything healthy for you to eat. But it's not something you want to look at by itself. It just seems too much? Unless you're the Incredible Hulk, but even he would agree that this is a lot of green. It's bad for the eyes. Maybe add some purple pants next time. It worked for him.

Heritage is lit, but I've thrown away too many plates of broccoli to start liking green now.

Oregon's unconfirmed glow-in-the-dark things

Oregon teases football uniforms that actually glow in the dark. http://t.co/jifVcOCKQB pic.twitter.com/9Dz8c4nhsM — SB✯Nation CFB (@SBNationCFB) August 11, 2015

Who else but the Carrie Bradshaw of college football would tease glow-in-the-dark uniforms?

Oregon is like a bored Tony Stark at this point. Just a bunch of money and technology lying around. They're at the point of "but what if ... it glowed?" and no one can stop them.

And you know what? It's pretty fun. The feathers on the chest, the gloves and even the helmets would glow. Just play the entire game in the dark and turn on the light when someone stumbles into the end zone. It's lit. Pun intended.

San Diego State

New World helmets! These look soooooooo good. They managed to even make orange an acceptable color and not the reprehensible hue that it was born to be. This is all the flame emojis.

TCU

Wow, these are awful. They look as if someone used bleach instead of regular detergent for their colors.

They're apparently supposed to be scaled like a lizard, which I'm sure sounded really cool in development. But here it looks like beauty supply store camo.

It's intensely and aggressively attacking my eyesight. Not lit at all. It's rude-waiter-on-a-first-date dim. It's all types of several-overdraft-fees-after-a-night-out-with-the-boys-that-you-become-aware-of-in-the-morning-while-fighting-a-hangover dim.

Tennessee

That's mustard-colored, right? It's a naturally ugly and sick color, but you can't beat the simple route Nike took. No need for anything extravagant. Just a sleek uniform that you wear to sports. And checkers, because you can't really go wrong with checkers. It's bonfire-with-old-friends-and-cheap-wine lit. I like it.

Texas A&M alternates

These look a lot like the Nebraska ones. I had to check several times to make sure that they weren't. Big difference is that these are Halloween uniforms. In that case, I'm assuming that they're meant to just scare fans for that one night only, because they're just as bad as Nebraska's.

The saving grace is that the helmet is so damn cool. You want to remove it away from the disappointment that is everything else. Like the helmet is Lisa Simpson in a family of guys who growl at their dog.

Just no more slashes on the uniforms. It's making everyone uncomfortable. The fact that they managed to ruin a black uniform means that they went the extra mile to make sure that it wasn't lit at all.

UNGRABBABLE AUBURN

Calling these uniforms "ungrabbable" is a tall claim. This sounds like every lie TV has ever told me. "Wrangler pants are cool." "Uggs are cool." That life is a series of unending disappointments and false dawns.

It just seems impossible to make them ungrabbable. Is that even within the rules? What is amour grid technology, and why is it being spelled "armour" and not the U.S.-accepted "armor?" I don't trust anything about this. It's not lit, for patriotic and existential reasons.

UNLV

UNLV's going all in on VEGAS BABY, and it's pretty awesome http://t.co/R1ydrtTpjD pic.twitter.com/GKd1szrDp4 — SB✯Nation CFB (@SBNationCFB) August 13, 2015

I would talk about these, but Las Vegas has a tougher non-disclosure agreement than Fight Club. All I will say is that having Rebels on the shoulders and helmet is awesome. And that it's somewhere between Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas lit and Ocean's Eleven lit. Honestly though, the helmet and the sign are nice and clean.

★★★

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