SCHOOLCHILDREN across England are to get compulsory lessons on why women are insane.

Ministers want to make sex and relationship lessons compulsory so future generations of boys do not waste half their lives trying to work out what the hell that was all about.

The department of education said reforms are vital as new figures reveal attempts to decode twisted female logic are costing Britain £4.6 billion a year in lost productivity.

A spokesman said: "Most of the early classes will focus on teaching boys how to let it all wash over them.

"Meanwhile the girls will be taught the importance of establishing confidence and stability in a relationship before suddenly changing their minds."

Lessons on the biology of sex will also be overhauled with new diagrams showing the male body as a digestive system attached to a disappointingly small penis.

From next September the core-curriculum will include skank-spotting, jealous rages and how to tell if it is in yet, while girls will be taught how to dismantle and reassemble a state-of-the-art German vibrator in less than three minutes.

Ministers insist exotic sexual practices involving bodily waste or elaborate fistwork will be not covered until year six.