By Dominic Hyde

I want you to imagine the scene.

Brian O’Driscoll is introducing the England team on the pitch at the Aviva. The new president shakes the hands of the players until he reaches the young, rosy-cheeked outside flanker from Wasps.

We shall call him Tom.

What if the president was so overcome with man-urge that he then took Tom in his arms? His moist lips pressed against the callow athlete’s innocent buds?

Let me offer you another scenario.

The Irish head of state is sharing a limousine with the newly-elected US president Mitt Romney, a devout mormon, on his first visit to Ireland.

“Stop the car,” cries the bearded Irish president outside the Rubber Shaft Sauna & Steam Rooms on Amiens Street. “Mitt, you have to check out the sweating, dripping naked male flesh inside this place. You’ll come out in two parts.”

I hesitate to advise anyone on how they should vote. All I ask is that you give some consideration to these two ghastly but all-too-possible scenarios.

Trust me. I have thought of little else over the last couple of days.

(Photocall Ireland)