Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters Script

It's a groovy time for a movie time So grab your gal, and grab a seat But don't forget to get something to eat Delicious meat, a nutritious meat You can't beat my meat for a special treat! Sucking on me is really neat! Don't be a jerk, and don't be a fool Be a good neighbor and follow these rules What are these rules? Remember to keep your shoes on at all times Don't pull your penis out, unless you really need to Indecent exposure is a Class 2 felony Come on! Come on, baby! Dammit! I can't hold him for much longer! You wanna know what the problem is? The problem is it ain't starting. Yeah, because of something you just did! I just been sitting in it! Your butt made it not start. Thanks! See if the radio works. I'm not listening to Egypt's Only Country. Are you nuts? I listen to The Sand, Cairo's home for classic rock! Will you guys get out of here? I can't hold him for much... Let's let a real man handle this! - This thing ain't got no engine. - Hello? You need to check the air-tires? That's where the power is generated! And that was the problem, wasn't it? No. While you was fighting that thing-dog, I... I called a tow truck. None of that shit ever happened and you know it! - Frylock! You're alive! - Not quite. Allow me to explain. With Frylock in my arms, I stumbled upon a witch doctor. Yo, what up, G? Who was able to provide us with food, shelter... and some kick-ass video games. Yeah, you get pumping. That's how you pump! Come on, come on! Get there! Come on! - Yes! - Glory! Glory! - That's how you do it! - The plantation is safe! Beatdown city, man! - The slaves are yours! - The South rises again! You gotta watch out for my musket skills, baby! You are great at that game. Your friend is terrible, though. Yeah, he sucks. He's dead! You know, I don't advertise this but I can bring him back to life. - It's something I do, but it's up to you. - I'll bet you can't. Yeah? How much you wanna bet, bro? And so a bet was made. And you know I totally would've won... had the friggin CIA not busted in. We know you're in there Lincoln! We've got the place surrounded! To the new Beetle convertible! Alright, everybody freeze! Don't move! We know you're invisible. - Crank up some jams! - I do the radio. I need me some Sand! K-Sand! Yeah! Take a break! Biggie time. Just because we fought one invisible criminal... doesn't mean everybody's invisible. I understand that, but it does mean that some of them could be invisible... and I think they're all invisible in this room. I don't know where you get your ideas, T.J. Hurry! This rocket should take you as far as... Come on! I was saying, this rocket should take you as far as Pluto. - What about Frylock? - He should wake up at any moment. But I must warn you... from now on he will be extraordinarily dumb. - Be gone ye! - OK, but first let's all get picture together. - Lincoln, you the tallest... - Everybody freeze. Go, God damn it! Go! We know you're invisible, so don't move! - No one will catch Time Lincoln! - Shoot before he transports! No one, ever! Oh, great. You just had to shoot, didn't you? - Way to change the future. - What do you mean? Pull, whitey, pull! And so Frylock is with us, in a manner of speaking... but he would never recover his smartness. And that's why I have to cut up his food for him. Frylock, is all this true? Is that where we come from? He doesn't understand your talking. You must draw him pictures. But you should use bright colors. That's the only way you can catch his eyes. The truth is, Meatwad, I don't know where we came from. But I do know how we're gonna die. Aqua Teen! My name is Shake Zula, the mic rula, the old schoola You wanna trip, I'll bring it to ya! Frylock and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money see Meatwad get the honeys, G Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ho and the girlies wanna scream! 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ho and the girlies wanna scream! Can't stop, won't stop doin' that thang Swingin' that swang bang bangin' with the gang Lookin' at my Gucci, lookin' for the coochie Yeah, I just trying to get some coochie! 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ho and the girlies wanna scream! 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ho and the girlies wanna scream! Aqua Teen is number one Aqua Teen is number one! Yeah! My father built this castle. He said that Weirds would live here for a thousand years... and now it's being turned into fucking lofts! Well, you could still stay here. I mean, you could buy a unit... - These look pretty cool. - Look at this unit! Can you... help him move out? Inside out? You know what? I'm just gonna let you have this one. You can have it. - For free. - But we wanna pay! Check one, two. Check. Check, check, check. One, two, buckle my shoe. Three-four, shut the door, check, check. - Checking the mic. - It's checked. Checkin' the mic, check. Checkin' the mic, check. Check, check, check, checking the mic. Mic check, checking the mic, mic check. - It's checked! - Check. - Sibilance. Sibilance. Sibilance. - It's checked already! It's checked! It is? OK, good. And we got all these in tune, right? - Tell me these are in tune. - Yeah. - They're dolls. - Shoot. Are they in tune? - What's all this to do? - This is Meatwad's concert tour. - Girl Quest 2005. - Read the t-shirt, fool. - There's gonna be girls here? - Yep. I advertised. What the fuck?! See, women love kitty cats. That's why we gonna fire 'em out of these high-powered plasma cannons. Meatwad, you need to go on. The sooner you go on, the sooner everyone can go home. Good evening, New Jersey! How's the air conditioning out there? Well, let's see if we can turn the heat up! What the? Who's throwing potatoes up here?! I'll shut this show down! - Alright Meatwad, we are done! - Wait, hang on, we're gonna do this. Fire! Dang it. - I guess I didn't pack 'em right. - Fools! Like being at the Vietnamese Butcher! Neil? Neil? - Cut it out, Neil! - Sorry, Walter. It's Mr. Melon to you! You... ...fool! - Fuck it! I can't work under these conditions! I want a diet water and I want my mommy right now! Meatwad, women don't need to be wooed... with an electric guitar by a meatball. What women want are these. Pythons. Check it out. Go ahead, touch it. Quick. - Who farted? - Shake. Not all women are into muscles. Well, the beautiful ones are. The ones in Miami. Come on. All women are beautiful, on the inside. I know that, yeah, I've been inside of them. Their homes. That's where I go when they leave for work. I get to know 'em before I meet 'em... and then I wait for them outside, behind a bush. - That what gets me off. - Gets you off what? The... the chain. Off the chain. Follow me and learn! Sex ed has begun. Now this square is the... ...man. - OK. - This circle here, that's the uterus. - That's what it looks like? Up close, yes. This is lifelike drawing of the uterus. See the guy takes the car after his job... to pick up the uterus at her house. Because she doesn't work unless she's sweeping up something. And where do they go? All the way... to a hotel... which definitely has cable. And that's where this trapezoid becomes... shall we say... entangled, with the exposed and aerated crotches. And that there is the exposed crotches? I told you that's the chair and the spatula. - I knew it. - Congratulate yourself, my friend. You have just been laid. - That feels good. - Yeah, I never tire of it. You think that women are attracted to me? Well, I think they pity you. Because you're overweight. I mean, a lot of it has to do with having a good body. Well, you ain't got no good body! I have a great body, and I get it by doing reps. No way. You got a machine?! I don't have a machine. I have the machine! Behold. The machine! The Insanoflex! Behold, my Elvis costume! I ain't seen that since Halloween. Let me tell you about the system. Rumor has it... it was brought back from a more advanced time... the time, of course, of Tlmecop... to train my buns! Show me how to get some pythons like Chief Wahoo McDaniel. No no, you can't just hop into this, you'll hurt yourself. Start stretching out by helping me drag it in front of the TV, OK? Let's go. And, one! Push, keep pushing! Keep pushing! Ain't that the reason you exercise in the first place? - So you could move something like this? - No! - That is not the reason. - Alright. What's the reason? Poontang. Poontang is the grubby little middleman... you must go through to get the girls. It's not even assembled right. Look at this. That's... that's... Yeah... so you can do it on a plane, business trips. Look at this. One, two... - OK, and where are the directions? - I know, I don't know! You know, the internet is a popular source of information. And the internet is also a popular way... to play some of my favorite games, like... Crystal Meth, Nightmare Killing Spree... and Clamdigger - Head To Head. - Here I go. - Don't you touch my computer! Oh my God. There must be fifty bras on this page! - I gotta get on that! - No! No, no, no! Somebody's been bra-shopping in here! - Let me see! Come on! - Do you mind? - Damn! - You will bookmark that. - You've never seen a bra before? - Not with the boob meat inside of it! OK. Search for Insanoflex. Oh my God! Again. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. These directions are written in some sort of rare, robot dialect. - Oh my God. - Please, translate. - Well, I speak robot. - This is odd. - It's almost as if... - I speak robot. I heard you. I'm sorry, continue with your translation. It's as if someone didn't want us to put this together. - And yet they sold it to us. - I speak robotanese. Danger. Deadly death danger. Beware. You must never, ever, ever, ever... ever, ever, ever... ever, ever, ever, ever assemble the Insanoflex! Need help assembling? Because we said not to? So is there a number you can translate? Can you at least do that? Yeah, there is. 7438445... Don't do it. Enjoy. Man, the phone's ringing. Yes, I can see that, these work, you know! Do not touch the phone! - What the... - Intruder! I am the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past. Do you have a... a quick second? - Sure. - Thousands of years ago into the future... your race will develop the ultimate exercise machine... that has irresistible force and immovable object... with over 90 exercises and an infinite amount of weight... and plus it has a rowing machine for cardiovascular workout... and a clicker that allows you to keep track of your reps. Every time you do a rep it clicks "One". The button is big and red... a color which no longer exists in your time. Cool dude! How do I order? You fool! Don't you understand? You built it! If this machine falls into the wrong abs... the world as you know it will become a world as you've never imagined it... starring Chow Yun-Fat. What are you saying? Because I don't even know what you're talking about anymore. Are you saying that someone could become so buff... that he could score like, all the world's ass... and thus creating massive global inbreeding... ultimately bring population growth to a standstill? No! Well I wasn't thinking that, but that could happen. Dude, I totally want one! Sorry. - I still want one. - Oh, sure. You'll set it up, but it will take you over a week... and you'll keep telling yourself "I should hop on that and use it"... because these slacks no longer fit right. You have got to answer that fucking phone. - It's driving me nuts! - Let the machine get it. - Hello? - Hello? Hey man, how's it going? - Pretty good. - I pull your leg out! Oh, dammit! We need a new machine. So, how do you even know all this? Fortunately for humanity, I traveled forward into the Bahamas... but also back in time, to steal this! - That's a screw. - No. It is part XJ32... which is to fasten the Pectomizer to the Ab-Eraser... to the thing! Without this one piece, the Insanoflex... would fall apart. Watch this. She loves it. So, that thing is basically a screw. Yes, it screws into things. So can't they just go buy a screw or something? Shit. I mean, I'd probably just shove a pencil in the screw hole. I just shoved a pencil in the screw hole. It better not be mine. My algebra homework is due tomorrow. Gonna work out on this thing or not? I'll work out on your face. Bring me the vegetable oil. I think I'm gonna pose right here. Show you boys how it's done! Women drop to their knees when they see the shape of my fingers. They're like beautiful little muscular hot dogs. Look at these guns! I just pooped a little bit. - Meatwad, hit the switch. - OK. - Is it on? - Hit it again. Can't get good help these days. - Jiggle it. - Do exactly what he told you! It's just one switch! I'm doing it. Well that's it. You see this M? It probably stands for motherboard, and evidently we're missing it. It stands for Meatwad. And that's me, y'all. It stands for mar... for mar... morphin... I will come up with something. And it will sting like the bee! Wait a minute. Is that the box it came in? No. What am I, on trial here? - Where did you get this? - I got it from a dear friend... who knows my needs. And he also happens to wear bitchin' ass pants! You see, they're made of a fiber optic technology... that hug the flesh on my unique shape. They circulate air around my genitals... and they wick the sweat off my balls. You wanna know more about my pants, I got some literature here... That's alright. I just need to know where you got that Insanoflex? Some garage sale. Back when I, you know, gave a crap about my body. Then of course some jack off friggin' ripped it off. Will you speed it up? What is the hold-up back there? Well, Shake says you gave it to him for Christmas. Is that where it is? Yeah, I thought Santa Claus came in here, and busted out my window. Look, I know it's yours... but we're missing a key part that makes it work. Well, boo hoo, for you. So go cry in the street off my property. Well, what we were thinking is that if we could just... ...go inside your house and look around. - See, I'd love to do that, but no. You're not coming in here. Can you tell me who you bought it from, and I can go ask that guy if he still has it? - Here's the address. Right here on the box. - What the he...? Why are we stopping when my foot is clearly still on the gas? South Jersey Shore. I know where that is. Alright, hop in. Warp speed. Go! We overshot that. We went all around the earth and back to where we started. It's pretty amazing isn't it? - OK, impulse power! - Let's take the cart. - Wait, wait, wait, stop! Stop! - What? What is it? Must've just been the wind. There it is. In all its beauty. Oh man. The door's locked. Hand me a credit card. Dude, you can't pick the lock, man, I know you. I know, I want to order some DVDs online. This has been a complete intelligence failure of massive proportions! Will you see if they have Deathdream by Bob Clark? - Did he not do Porky's? - He did do Porky's. He also did A Chrlstmas Story, which makes me laugh and laugh. Dude, they got a key. It's right there under the... Well, it's hanging on that nail by the door. - We were never here. - You never saw us. I told you dude, we needed the Machine! - How many times did I say that? - Zero. You said it none times. - What? - Hey, sweaty man. - Could you help us lift something? - No, I don't think so. - Damn it! - Rude! What difference does it make? The friggin thing don't work! - They're missing a piece. - Where is it? That's right, fat man. I will totally ruin your bushes. Please don't do that. It's about to bloom! I've been urinating it twice a day! I forgot it did this. Now tell me fat man, and make it quick... what was I going to ask you? Check it out. I mean, here's the box for it. And here's the address. Come on, let's go! Everybody inside the race car! Wait for me! - Thrusters on! - Go! - Is your seat belt properly fastened? - Yeah. Dude, why don't we just take our ship? It's probably faster. Yes, to the ship! It was my idea. Goodbye fat man. You can suck it! - Steve, heat the oil! - OK. And now... shoestring the giant potato! The oil is ready! Lower the box! No! - No! - I know! He's been trying to kill us for the last three miles. Listen up, there is no right on red in this State! It's left, goddamn you! Do you even know the difference? Here we are. Obviously this is the kitchen. All modern appliances, brushed metal. All brand new. What's this do? Hey, what's that do? Don't you ever touch people's stuff! What kind of manners do you have? You know I touch the stuff first. And if you look over here... - What is this, a creature in here? - Yes, that. That's a creaturezoid! There are only two in the known universe! Taunt it and it will eat your skin! This is my... wife. OK, well, I guess we're gonna go on and get on out your hair, here. Out of curiosity, you don't happen to have a missing piece to an exercise machine... Nope! Can't help you there. Sorry. Come on and get me. What's the matter? Too faggoty to come and get me? Come on, Shake! - I'm so sick of pussies. - Drag me out of here, come on! - I am a master of disguise! - Yeah. Well, they were here, looking for the part. No one must ever put together the Insanoflex! - Well, he doesn't have it. - We'll just wait... Thousands of years ago I told you he didn't have it. Why are we beating our brains out about this? I mean, come on, dudes! We'll just wait until we create it, and then like, we'll have it! Well, alright. Man, nobody's gonna take these voice oscillators back. - Well, I will try anyway. - I think I even swallowed the tag. - Do you have the receipt? - I prefer to keep mine in my butt. Oh no! Someone's coming! Put on your costumes. Oh, shelsse! Everybody, make out and kiss hard! Like you mean it! Get a room! Did you hear me say, "Get a room?" I told them to get a room. They were like making out then we walked by and I went... "Get a room!" That's pretty good, right? OK, they're gone. - That was very close. - Yeah. We were. Very close. You know, you're a good kisser. OK, they're gone, OK? I'll handle this. Yes, can I help you? Yeah, we're here with the Boys Club and... We're here to throw down! Four eyes! I need those combinations! - What are you talking about? - You know, like missile codes right away! Shake! Shake! There won't be a tomorrow, Jack. Let alone your little grandma... - OK, I give! I give! - You're going down, milkshake! I give up! I'm not even fighting you back! All you had to do was ask! - Missile codes? We don't need these! - Well, I need them. We are a go for operation Banana Monkey... 029 Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Launch pad one, launch pad two, launch pad three. We have ignition. I am just... I am smelling a missile. Nah, there's no way! Greetings, I'm Space... Shut up, honey. It's just fire. Say, you wouldn't happen to have a... I already told you, we don't have that part you're looking for! What do you mean you already told us? Well yeah, just a few minutes ago, when you were here. The thing for the exercise equipment, we don't have it. Sir, you must turn your key, we are at Defcon 3. Turn your key, sir. Who's that? - That's my wife. - OK, look. If you see anything that looks like this, let us know. - Wait a second. Can we have this? - Meatwad, let me see that. My God, this is the missing piece! - Knock-knock! - Welcome home, baby. I say this to all of your things. For this is a robbery. - Nobody move! - Yeah, we'll see you guys later. Stop moving! - They're gone, man. - Yes, Err. We scared them off with our fierce ferocity. Do what he says and say what he does, and... look at this! - This is ours! - That is correct. What is it? No time for an answer! Tractor beam on! Observe as I steal it! Do not waste your pathetic mortal energy trying to stop us... unless you want to amuse us, which is what you're doing. You can't stop us, you can't touch us! We're untouchable, unstoppable, unflappable, unmotivated... What is that, Err? - This is an ashtray! - What the f...? - I like to smoke. - Tractor beam off! - An ashtray? Come on, man. - What's wrong with an ashtray? Err, if you want to achieve in this life... you need to set your goals higher. - I'm already pretty high! - And so am I. - So grab the other end of this... - Yes! ...as we commit first degree Grand Theft Coffee Table! - Tractor beam on! - We are stealing! We control your home furnishings! And we will be back when you least expect it. We will! For the end table, the ottoman, and the wine rack. See if we don't! - But we don't have room right now. - We are renting at the Y! - What's wrong with your chicken? - That's a gay chicken. The piece is missing! - Oh, no! - Oh, yes, Steve! Randy! Turn your fucking stereo down! Did you see that chicken guy running around? - That guy was weird. - Yeah. Really weird. There was something about that chicken. Something that reminded me of another weird person I used to know. Yeah, it was many years ago. We were colleagues once, we were very close. I was just starting in my scientific career and he was already... OK, all right, you went to camp, you made out with a girl, Vietnam, what? What?! I've got stories too, I've been places, I have friends. But right now I need to get physical. And listening ain't doing it for me. All right, give me the damn piece. Let's see if it fits. It looks like they have the piece. Then they must have the piece. - That's what I just said. - Shush, Emory! The robot is right. Someone must distract them, while I go in there and beat it out of them! - Now who's had that fantasy? - I got an idea. Why don't we just send wingnut over here to freakin' bore them to death. I have a thousand weapons of mass distraction. Which one shall you require? What about the student council story? - That one's a corker. - Oh, yes. The student council story. That is one of my very favorites. Thousands of years ago I ran for treasurer of student council... it involved a lot of hard work... we decorated many cookies... we spent all night putting up cream frosting. And then we drew on many posters. But the principal called me down to her office... and informed me that I had violated election rules. Thousands of years ago I kicked your ass. And I'm gonna do it again right now. That's what Sister Margaret kept telling me... as I explained my political agenda in her bathroom. Where are my frickin' pants?! You can't hide 'em, I see 'em! I see 'em! Carl! I wanna share with you... by letting you jump on in here and take the other leg. - No, thank you. Save it for the tea party. - Come on. Our balls will wick together as one! That's my workout machine, isn't it? Yeah, we found that missing piece, Carl. I don't want to tell you what to do, but... you're putting it in upside down. Will you back up? I know what I'm doing. Well fine, do it your wrong way. - All right, here we go. - There you go. - Finally! - Excuse you? Set it to maximum! I'll have to start maxing out right here. No, I bought it, I get first crack at it! - I'm doing it. - I'm the one who just put it together! - I'm the muscle one! - Shake, will you let Carl go first? - I mean, he does own the damn thing! - You're right, Frylock. I will be the bigger man, and let the baby have his way. Turn it on now! Get a mirror! Hurry! Someone spot me! Get your ass out of there! All right. All right, put it on warm-up mode. I want to work into this very slowly before I completely dominate it, OK? Look at this whole routine, this is pretty sweet there. What the hell?! What's going on here? Am I exercising, or? Seriously, what is going on behind me here? Crap, crap, crap, crap! What the fuck is going on with this thing?! Man! I'm glad he went first. - I told you it mustn't be installed! - No you didn't! - I didn't? - No, you didn't. I meant to! Make it stop, I'm already sore here! - Oh, shelsse! - Dude, just stay down. The re... the res... the reasoning... The resoning must begin at once! Neil! Contact the county! Hang on, wait. What are we doing? Do I have to explain everythlng to you, Neil? Hey, y'all! They got a big ol' floating watermelon over here! Reverse thrusters! Just a couple more reps man, let's go! No pain, no gain! Come on! I wanna see you go for it! You got it! You don't wanna look like that forever, do you? - Crap! It's heading downtown. - What, the watermelon? No, not the watermelon! There's only one way to stop it. You must push... the stop switch. It doesn't have a stop switch! Well... I... Then there's no way to stop it! - What the f...? You don't know! - Is that clock right? - My goodness, is it that time already? - Man, it has been a day! I tell you what, I mean... I been going non-stop since like noon, or something. I got to go, I got to go to bed. - Shake. - And you got school tomorrow too! - No I don't. - Yes you do, and you will now go to bed. Shake, don't you get it? Why don't you get this with your lips! I'm referring to my anus. Carl's gonna be destroyed, along with all the rest of downtown! If we help you, can we get the machine? Or can we go to the? - Or what!? - I don't know! You don't have to yell at me like that! Look. We need a plan. I have a plan. Alright, you see that roller coaster over there? It's the Steel Python, and in order to ride it... we must each purchase tickets... at $3 a pop... with your money... in order to ride it. And that there's the plan. What about the Insanoflex? Insan... No, that thing's gone, brother. And pretty soon, the world as we know it will be gone. That's why you gotta you squeeze as much out of the time you got left on this earth. And squeeze it for fun. He's right. - Will you two cut it out?! - Word up, bitch. Eat that, motherfuckers! - Now here's dessert! - What the hell are you doing here?! That sort of snippy attitude does not require an answer. He's right. You wanna buy a coffee table, man? Notice the fine lacquered oak. Four legs! Top, bottom, underneath, sides. It would complement the inside of your anus beautifully. - Get it, man? - Do you get the double entendre? - Up your butt! - Do you know what an anus is? Up your butt! Sideways! Look, we just really want to ride this coaster, so... you know, be cool and... give us all your money. Total destruction and devastation is imminent. And it takes a long time. About an hour, hour and a half from now. - Or two! - And it will suck. Wait, stop moving! Is it just me, man, or is that thing coming right towards us? - Yeah, look at it. - Man, I gotta get out of here. - Run. - It's coming right towards us! I'm sorry, this plan is moronic! The Insanoflex is ripping up my home town. And you're sitting here not even tall enough to ride! Now we have to fund your operation! Come on gang. Let's all do a topless car wash! I'm tall enough to ride now. Meatwad! I didn't know you could do that. Ain't no one ever asked me. You want you some office space? How 'bout tech support? Wait a minute, this gives me an idea! Is it the same idea I had? About riding that there roller coaster? I hope so. Pre... tty bad... ass! I like the missiles, that works. You need to mess up the hair more. - I just combed it. - Look more like a monster. I like parting it to the side but giving it a messy look. Like he's a preppy but he'll throw down with you. Lose the shorts, though. This ain't no Pride Parade, it's a fight. Well, how about this? See? Blue jean shorts. - Cutoffs. - OK, fine, that'll work. Now Oglethorpe and Emory, I want you two to... Where'd the Plutonians go? Hold your hands up this time. That is a direct order from Commander Fun. Hold on, hold on! Oh God! Alright, Shake. The Meat Monster is set up. You need to lure that thing down this alley, so Meatwad can attack him. - Shake? - I ain't doing that. No. - No, no. Hell no. - Stay right there! What are you do...? You must lure that thing into the Meat Monster! Well, what the hell do you think I'm doing here? My nails? - I may? - Fine! - I'll get Robot Man here to do it. - I don't want to do it. My hands are tied at this point. I kind of also got a teeth whitening package. So, you know... don't stay up. Meet us out there as soon as you're done. - Oh, crap! - OK, just close the door, please? Alright, Carl! Looking good! What are you... Wha... See you later! What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to attack him! With your fangs! And then blow him up with the meat missiles! - I forgot. - It's too late now. I've been to the future and it's his destiny. - Thelr destiny. - Wait a second. What do you mean by thelr destiny? Frylock, look at this! Oh, my God! Do you know what this means? It's just as I suspected. I'm female. - It's... it's female. - You're what? I mean, the Insanoflex is a female. And it's pregnant. Wait, go back to the other part. Where you were saying you were a woman? He's right. Thousands of years ago into the future... descendants of the original Insanoflex will roam the earth... exercising alternating muscles on alternating days... until the human race has cut carbohydrates... out of their diet forever. And everything will be crushed... in the Yeast Uprising of 1987. You said you're a woman! - Well, I'm not. Look, Shake... - Don't touch me. Will someone just grab the other end of that egg, please? Well with my teeth the way they are... I'm kind of not supposed to chew anything for like four hours. Pick this egg up now! But my teeth have just been whitened! These teeth here, they make for a pretty good stool. - You know you're sittin' on my teeth? - I need to get eye level with the TV. - I see that. - And then I need to wear these teeth. In my mouth. When I go on dates. With women of the opposite sex. They're not clothes, you know. They're part of my body! Get your ass off my teeth! Look at this. This is unbelievable! I know it! My tan fell off. $49, straight down the crapper! With this Ultra X-Ray, I should be able to look inside... Why don't you just break it open, like this. With my Ultra Foot. OK, once I get the Ultra X-Ray completely calibrated... I should be able to configure... See? I get shit done. - Damn, that's a good beat! - Yeah, Meatwad, it is. Almost too good. - What is this music? - Well, it's from my exercise video. Lose Welghtl Evlsceratel Volume 2- Sea Of Blood, Island Of Death. I think I want to see that video. You'd better run, boy! Run those pounds off. See, this is an exercise program designed to keep you working out. You know, 24 hours a day for 30 days... until, you know, forever. Yeah, but... You're guaranteed to lose weight that way. - What the? - Or that way. The way where he blows your head off with a laser. - Who blows your head off with a laser?! - Him, right there. That's the Insanoflex. That sucker's crazy. - We got one of them, don't we? - Yeah! Remember? You were supposed to wrap yourself around him?! Well I'll be. Where has my head been? Has any of these people ever stopped the Insanoflex? No. It can't be stopped, once it gets going with that music! See, that's what fuels its insane rage. Maybe if we could change the music... we could confuse the Insanoflex. Well, I'll be. That'd probably do it. - Does anyone know any musicians? - My demo tape! Have you gotten a copy of it? Stupid roommates drive me crazy! Ain't got no toilet, but I'm in the Navy! Sometimes you wanna walk Does anyone know any other musicians? When I tell you what to do, I pull out my gun! You don't own me, you think you own me? And get resituated and hawk the diet pills MC Pee Pants has created I need candy, eat candy till I'm dead! I'll kill you for candy, candy head! Where you keeping all the candy? If you don't give me some candy I'll make the ladies sing! Candy in the morning Candy on the way to school Alright, I'll just take a little five minute break. - Again! I want Candy, again! - Alright, man! Shit man! I want candy, bubblegum and taffy. However you fucking do it! Put the flames away! It's fine! Chill for a second, man. I gotta take this, man. - What's up? - I can't... I can't hear you, you're breaking up. Satan can I take this up to the surface? I ain't gettin' no reception, like none, man! On one condition. - What's up? You call me? - Yeah, I guess we did, huh Meatwad? You tryin' to get you some fly honeys? 'Cause... - 'Cause you're a fly. - Man! For real? Motherfucker changed me again, didn't he? Didn't he? That motherfucker! Satan is a motherfucker! - Hey man, you gonna eat that? - Well that there's a dog turd. Man! I love me some dog turd, man! This shit's delicious! Why the hell do I like me some dog turd, man?! Look, no no, don't get up. You keep on eating. I... I need you to do one of your ridiculous songs. Now you need me? Man, the world has turned, man! Look here, man. I don't have time to do you a song, man! You need me so bad, you got to go to my website, man. - Click on "Contact MC", man! - I knew it. Forget this! I don't have time for this bullshit. You got a complaint? Go to the message boards. Tell your friends, your family, people you don't like, I'll do anything for attention! Alright, we need you to write a rap... so we can put it into the Insanoflex and make him stop exercising... and destroying downtown... where they got the mini golf course that I like so much. I got this man, check it out! Yeah, you feel this? This beat's from Europe. Man! I'm gonna lay it down for ya. Insanoflex I wanna build your pecs A machine for sex, like a big T-Rex! Gonna build your calves, gonna tighten your abs No! - No! - Yes! Stop hitting yourself! Why are you hitting yourself with gross fly guts all over your face? - Gross! Get it off me! - Look. We need a real musician. - I still got my demo floatin' out there! - You don't wanna hear that, come on! The solo acoustic stuff I did? You know, about that girlfriend I never had? - That's beyond suck. - Solid and funk free. - But can you dance to it? - Sure. If you pay for it. - It's Carl! - Come... get... me. I'm... at... the... amusement... park. Steel Python. - Grab your tape, we'll have to go with it! - Let's go with you gettin' 12 bucks. Or you know, you could go 15 for the CD. You've got digital quality. - It sounds like I'm in the room with you. - Will you come on?! My Frydar is picking up slower biorhythms. - You gotta do it close range, huh? - Must be in cool-down mode. Yeah, my Strawdar picked that up about 20 miles back. Hey, dudes! Look at us up here on the roller coaster! Hey guys! What's going on? What's wrong with him? - Look out down there! - My nutrients! Retrieve them at once, they have escaped! That came out of you?! Alright everyone. Here's what we're gonna do. - Man! What happened? - Dang it. - Great, and now what? - I'm gonna fly up there... and blow them all up because I am sick of this shit! - No! - Wait, Frylock! So you're just gonna go up there and blow up your neighbor Carl? Don't you understand how much he has to live for? OK, now that you're looking at me, I mean... I'll come up with something here, give me a second. He's... Hang on. Well, he's got... ...porn! He's got a bunch of porn. Who'll take care of his vast collection of pornography... both in VHS and DVD format? Who's gonna call his mom, and pretend he ain't lookin' at porn... while he's talking to her on the phone? And who, answer me this... will clean his pool after I have peed all in it? - You. - That's my point. Go kill him. - Alright, alright. - Hell! I wrote this next one when I broke up with my girlfriend... 'cause I slept with her friend and dumped them both! Shake, get your ass down from there! And I think everyone can relate to the blues. Like they had after I dropped them like two hot rocks. Nude love Moves over me, like a storm It's working. It's working! He's stopping! Keep playing, Shake! Keep playing your dumb ass song! There is something in your eye, and I realize In the sky nude love Wait, hang on, I've got trouble with the G. Perfect! It's all going according to plan. Neil, prepare the fruit pod! Crankin, smokin! There we go. Tapes available out in the parking lot - It is making my ears pop. - It's got a good message. He's touching on some real stuff there. I like the nude part. And then, see me Out by my hatchback for copies! Nude Love Thank God! He was strong, but I think we learned that music is stronger. - Carl, I want you to hop on out of there. - I'm a little sore here... so, if you don't mind, no one try to save me right now. Just let me sit here and... look damn good for a little bit, OK? - The music has freed your soul. - Get off, Shake, get off! No! - Carl? - Oh my God. Carl? - Is he dead? - Carl, you all right? Can you hear me? Carl? Hey, Carl? Carl! You OK? There? What happened to him? Baby, you showed up! Great. Sorry, I didn't introduce you guys, this is my new friend. - Linda. - How y'all doin'? - Hello. - Hey, man. Hi, how's it going? Yeah, we met in line for the coaster. We compared our lats and our traps and... turns out we do a lot of the same exercises, don't we baby? The two of us were thinking about going out for some vitamin supplements and... inject ourselves with some extract from a bull's semen. That's what she likes to do for muscle mass there. - Anyone wanna come? - No. - Nah, that's cool. - No, I can't. See ya later, losers. I'm going off to do another little workout. At her place! Yeah! The only thing that bull semen did for me... was activate my gag reflex. Well Carl got himself a girlfriend. I'm proud of him. And I'm lonely. I want a girlfriend. - I'm the one who wants a girlfriend! - No, it is I who wants a girlfriend. - Get this thing going again. - I'll tell y'all what. See all these eggs laying around here? Why don't you just pick one out. Pretty soon they're all gonna hatch and once they do... life as we know it, is over. You know, you're really great at taking a good fun situation... and turn it into something crappy. You know we're about to get laid here, right? - How we gonna stop all of them? - Well, why don't you ask him? Because he invented it. I did mention that, right? I think I mentioned that. - So you're the one that created this thing? - I think so. He says I did. I'll probably just knock it out this afternoon. - Let's just wait around. - He won't. He has no discipline. Why don't you tell a story about it that lasts five hours? Will you shut up?! I have an idea. We're gonna have to go back in time. - And kill his parents. - No! Don't do that, they're in Florida! No, no, Shake. Here's what we're gonna do. Come on, how often do you see them anyway? Honestly? Hey guys? Hello? Don't walk away or I shall help me for you! Look man, I'm here for you, it's OK. Now, what I want you to do... is drink this. Thank you Err. What was that thick shake? Well, I'll tell you what it is. It's mayonnaise I found in the trash can. And it had hair on it! And you drank it! Because I am your doctor. Do what I say! Look. Yet again, another testament of my ability to pound the brewskies. Yeah. Those are collecting fruit flies. They are hovering around the display. They are in awe of my ability to drink. Dude, you remember that exam? That's tomorrow? - 'Cause, were you gonna study for it or? - I sold my books. Screw them, man! Plus, books are for nerds. Well, maybe you should save some of that book money for laundry... 'cause your sheets are getting pretty gross man. What sheets? I don't have sheets. Maybe we should throw them away. Dude, I'm so glad the computer hooked us up as roommates. We are friends forever, you and I. Yep. I'm pretty psyched about it. Shelsse, the RA! S'up bro? Wanna hackey-sack? Can we just kill him? Yeah, do it, seriously, 'cause I get straight A's if he gets killed. Remedial Verbs. You're studying that? I say speak to the hand to that class. I'm not getting up at eleven in the morning! To create that Insanoflex you would've had to have... an advanced knowledge of biogenetics and robot hydro-rhythms. Do you, or? See, I learned how to help Timmy find his nuts. Please let me kill him. Oh, no. My clothes didn't make it through the time rift! I'm totally nude. Nice going. You saved the future. - You told me he invented this! - I will. I know, I do. Did you even study robotics in school? You didn't, did you? No way! He majored in pottery, man. Well, is there... is there like a giant pot... that destroys the world that I might have glazed? You can stare at my genitals. You totally didn't save the future! My vacation is ruined! Well then, who did create the damn thing?! - Well, I guess I don't know. - No you don't. You don't know shit. "Thousands of Years Ago. " You randomly string words together... that make up ridiculous stories of things that never happened and never will! Really? Well then, what do you make of this? "I can feel it coming in the air tonight. " "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. " My father? Yes, no, yes. Your father. Oh my god! You don't, you don't mean... Yes. - Thousands of years ago... - No, no. I know who you're talking about. Don't worry about it. - Look, a caterpillar! - Oh, wait. - Where? - Where's this caterpillar? - Just keep looking. Come on, let's go. - Now I see it. Hello, little caterpillar! Destroy him! - You never told me we got us a daddy? - You don't remember? - Do I remember anything? - I got your daddy right here. He's only got one eye, and two little uncles for ya too. It was a long time ago... Did ya hear me? I said I got your daddy right here and I pointed at myself? I thought it was only a dream, but it was a nightmare. It was dark, I couldn't see anything. But I do remember the painful sting of hot oil against my skin. The hum. The hum of some type of enormous mixer. And the wet slap of steel hands on raw meat. How you doin'? The shriek of a million chickens, screaming in agony... as they were merged into one. Right on, yeah! We were each given part of his brain, and they brought us to life. But he was never the same. - There we go. - Did I get some brain? - Sort of. - I know I did. I can feel it. Well... - He said it would sort of compensate. - Guys, down here. How did I compen... template? What about me? Fuck it! - I got head cheese?! - All right... some of us got brain, but that's not important, OK? - That was a very good story. - Well, it's not done. My turn. Once upon a time, there was a little elf... Just shut up! You have all been created... for a very ridiculous purpose. I want you to drive this plane... into that brick wall! Zero-one-niner, requesting permission... for approach to smash into brick wall, over. Permission granted! Right on! - Frylock! You? - Change of plans, Bittle! - That's all you got?! Come on! - Let go! No! No! My creations! Fucking sandals! So, I diverted the plane to Africa... so we could try to stop world hunger. Running into a brick wall just seemed... like it would hurt. A lot. I mean, that's just dumb. All right, listen up. When we hit the ground, I want everybody... to spread out in a three meter stance... wait for air backup and then we're going... Chicken Bittle did not survive the trip. And it didn't us long to freak out all of Africa. - Hi, how ya doing? - Hey, wait! No! We're here to help you! Come on, don't run! Where you going? Our mission failed. So we came back to the States and rented out this house in New Jersey. I couldn't live up to my father's backwards, retarded expectations. I came here to follow my dream... of dancing professionally... in the nude. I mean, on Broadway. - I don't remember any of this. - Me neither. You kept playing with your Gameboy. I'd say, "Shake, look up. We're saving that. " And you were all like, "Well I'm on level three. " I do remember level three. Well, did you ever get to dance... professionally? That was a lifetime ago, Meatwad. I have other responsibilities now. Yeah, dinner, right? Where is it? - We're home. - This ain't my house. Mine neither. Linda, this is some... food that you've made. What is it? Apple cinnamon flavored monkey gland energy shake. Thought I tasted a hint of the monkey gland... Excuse me. Linda, I care about you. I respect you. So where am I gonna do you? - Man, jackpot! - Yeah. Lie down on it while I get nude. Yeah, I like it! Oh man, you are wild! - Thank you God! - Yeah. My bedroom. Hey baby, your muscle's leaking... What's up with that? Oh no, no! Crap! - Shit. - This is going to hurt! - A lot! - Crap, crap, crap, crap! Oh, don't cry. You've been such a good boy. I'm gonna let you have a lolly! Now lick it! - Listen. Is that Carl? - Carl! Welcome home, boy! - You bastard! - Not anymore, daddy! - Daddy? - Bring it on, motherfucker! Come on, take this! Come on, I thought you'd love that! You'd like some more? That's all you got? God damn it! Oh, God Carl! Thank God. Unchain me. Where'd you get that lollipop? Bring it on! Come on! Take this! And some of that with you! Can you hold on a sec? Hold on, hold on, hold on... What is it, Steve? Did you need anything else from me today? 'Cause my wife wants me home at six and... Go ahead and punch out. No, not that one. Yes. That one. OK everybody, have a good one. God, I love that! So you created the Insanoflex! So you could build someone else up and use their muscles. Yeah. Keep going. I don't know. - To fight me? - Yes! Yes, that's exactly why! But... but why? Because I hate you, Daddy! No, don't you pull this reverse psychology crap with me! - It was you who created me! - No! It was you who created me! - Do you remember this? - That's Little Death Bear. - How do I know that? - But you said I couldn't have it! Because you said I would lose a hand! Yeah, man, I mean, look at it, it's covered with razor blades! - Well, now I have it. - Can I have it? God, now I remember! - You wanted that thing for Christmas! - Yes. And instead... you gave me this. A Baby Wets All Night! And it screwed me up forever! - But, that's not how I remember it. - How do you remember it, Daddy? - With star wipes? - Yeah, a lot of star wipes. And Phil Collins is constantly In The Alr Tonlght. ...Tonlght. I love that song, but why? - Behold! - Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What are you doing back there? A VHS that you had produced! No, that's impossible! You've got a VCR in the back of your head?! It's like David Cronenberg all up in here. It's all coming together now, don't you see? You created hlm with a piece of your brain! And he was your only son. But it didn't come out right, because you were a bad father. So you altered your memories to take away the pain. Because you thought... You know, Chicken Bittle? You remember him? His death was your fault! So you wiped your mind clean... threw away your old identity, and started a new life... in obscurity. No, that's not how it happened. This is a VHS, he's a VCR... and he lives with us. Daddy, you've grown into a beautiful young woman. Yeah, thanks. Let's keep that on the down low. - What did I tell you?! - I don't believe it. Come on! Pay up! Five bucks. Come on! - But how did? - Trapped in a man's body. - But you was... - I'm a lesbian. - Yeah, but still, I mean... - On Oprah. - Yeah, but the... - Plastic novelty vagina. - Well, that... explains a lot. - But one question still remains. - We created all of you! - Mutants! And the world you pathetically pretend to live in. Now, bring us your beer! - Your remote needs batteries. - The TV sucks, man. - And now it needs fixing. - Children, please. Stop all this bickering! That's that watermelon I was telling you about. And that was another lie. And you're going to hell! Feel the sweet embrace of Satan's hoof against your face! Shake! Meatwad? Buddy? Are you OK? Stand aside! - What... what happened? - Neil! Play the drum solo of life! Yeah, yeah! Rock! Rock out! Forget it. I don't want it. Hey y'all, I live! - Who are you? - I am Walter Melon. - This is my accomplice Neil. - How's it going? - Hi. - Hello. And this puddle over here used to be Steve. The drum solo of life! No, no, that's OK. - What are you doin' here? - Well, I only... created all of you! I also created the Insanoflex... and produced three top-selling exercise videos. Then I lost my job. That sucked. They said I spent too much time editing my videos... and not enough time breaking down egg crates... which is what I should be doing now had I not been fired. You two were to destroy each other today... so I would inherit your real estate to build the ultimate franchise. The Insano-Gym! - But we rent. - So do I. - Man, we live at the Y. - Till we get some things going. - They won't let us use the pool, man. - Yes. They won't. Are you serious? Yeah man! They said we pee in the pool. 'Cause I do! - And I as well. - Yes! Digital gold cascades from our square bladders. No, about the renting. You all rent? - Oh, yes. - Yes sir. Very much so. - At the Y. - But the Insano-Gym! You couldn't put a gym in a residential neighborhood. It's not even zoned for commercial use. You'd probably have to go through the city, or something. Yeah. Well. I guess this kinda foils your stupid plan. - Papa? - Well, yeah! Kinda! Damn it! I'm telling your mother. - Mother? - Neil, come on! Wait, wait! We have a mother? Yes, Frylock, I am your mother. And I am a nine-layer bean burrito. That's neat. It's the end of the movie, and it's getting late I know that you didn't come here with a date You'll probably go home and masturbate You're pathetic and lonely And you can't afford high definition television 'Cause your job doesn't pay enough Time for bed, honey.