I've been tracking this 8 lb package for four days now, making it's unholy pilgrimage from California to Ontario... and it was definitely worth it. I can't even explain this candy. I mean, first off I pulled out a bag of MILK CHOCOLATE COVERED BRAINS. It's the most metal candy I have ever seen. Second only to the next thing I pulled out - a hauntingly Hannibal-esque bag of chocolate body parts. I shit you not. There are fingers and eyeballs and ears and god only knows what else.

Next from our giant box of horrors was a GIGANTIC BAG OF REALISTIC GUMMY WORMS. No pretty neon coloured candies for me. No, these things are brown and kinda squishy and bringing back memories of worm genocide from grade school I thought I had buried so far in my unconscious as to never see the light of day again.

It only got better/worse from there. There was an unassuming box nestled amongst the other atrocities I could not resist. You know what was in it? A goddamn one pound gummy heart. Hauntingly realistic and glistening at me in ways that sent a chill down my spine.

And then, I shit you not, a muggle version of Berty Bott's Every Flavoured Beans. I don't even know whether I dare to open it. Flavours include peach, coconut, buttered popcorn, and barf, rotte egg, and canned dog food. Christ almighty.

It got kinda cool after that with the worlds biggest gummy bear. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself with all these gummies and if you never hear from me again, know that I died happily, covered in candy and ~600 lbs.

And then... I don't even know how to explain this. They appear to be specimen containers labeled with urine, blood, and saliva. I'm not sure whether I should be contacting my local county health unit or

And then, once again I shit you not (hahaha) what appears to be a used toilet gummy, and two fish heads on sticks.

In conclusion, I salute you, Santa. And I'm going to go to church now to pray for your soul.