There's no disaster so great that someone somewhere can't find a way to profit off of it, whether it's turning all New Orleans public schools into charters after Hurricane Katrina or opening private prisons. While we managed to have a blissful couple months free of school shootings, thanks mostly to summer vacation, they've become a numbingly ordinary occurrence during the school year. Considering how common they are, there's a huge opportunity there for the savvy businessperson who can find a way to monetize the crippling anxiety of millions of parents across the country.

Well, Fox Business has found just the thing. Personal-protection company MC Armor has debuted a line of brightly colored backpacks that are just perfect for the school kid you don't want to see riddled with bullets from a legally bought AR-15. After a tasteful intro of La Roux's song "Bulletproof," host Maria Bartiromo introduces MC Armor rep Carolina Ballesteros Casas before asking, without any sense of irony, why they decided to market these items exclusively in the U.S.

"In the U.S., sadly, there's the guns," Casas replies. "Everybody can have a gun. So, here, kids need to be protected, and we have the fact that there is some school issues, so we need to bring this to the United States."

From there they discuss the remarkable lightness of the backpacks, and Casas explains how kids' physiological development requires specially designed bulletproof materials (they don't have enough fat or muscle to withstand a blast while wearing flexible armor, you see). Bartiromo finally exclaims, "Oh, my goodness. It's incredible that this has come to this, though, that we need bulletproof clothing." This is just up to the edge of a self-aware moment, but Bartiromo quickly recovers, saying, "Some of these things are quite fashion forward. Tell us about, for example, something like this," while holding up a bag.

The only solution Fox (and, by extension, many Republicans) ever has for most problems is to simply let the free market magically fix them. (After all, the NRA's entire answer to calls for gun control is "buy more.") It's not the government's job, after all, to meddle in the daily routines of people's lives, things like getting shot to death in schools, but instead it should enable entrepreneurs to find a way to stop kids from getting shot while also making a quick buck.