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iOS 10, car seat adjustments, Persian racing rim upgrades, accidental heroes, my personal and professional reputation, why the Biggest Problem in the Universe ended, The Job Lynch Mob, Trump and I release our taxes, my faith in the UCB comedy scene is destroyed, Chump Syndrome, free speech; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The Job Lynch Mob is upon me in a very real way! They’re following me at work, they’re following me while I jerk. They’re hunting my family, they’re going after my danglies. They’re harassing me with their keyboards, and they’re harassing me…with their keyboards! Because they’re just a bunch of lazy, slacktivist, crybully assholes with no sense of humor and too much time on their hands. The only weapon they have is their keyboards, but as we will find out this week, boy what a powerful weapon that can be in the Kingdom of Fear!

Maddox finally reveals his secret weapon. The much promised revelation that will damage my personal and professional reputation! It’s a secret so vile, so damning and destructive that it would strike fear in the heart of someone who casually uses the “r” word and who wears a man bun ON PURPOSE! It’s a machination so devious and clever, so indefensible that it will force me to answer for the monsters that I am!

A hashtag. #DickLies

I think someone’s been in LA too long.

Maddox releases a tell all video about the end of the Biggest Problem in the Universe. Even for a guy who regularly shits out lackluster clickbait video content to pimp ads out on YouTube, I have to say this one is wanting. A jumble of implications and butthurt. Loose accusations of fiduciary malfeasance, crocodile tears, a preposterous stretch of a link between The Dick Show sub-reddit and an 8chan “Rape List” created by some lunatic with slightly more than 3 minutes on their hands, which was never updated after the first item; and worse yet, no mention of gaping plot holes, like why I was actually kicked off episode 77?

Watch the video here if you can stomach the gushing spaghetti of a 40-year-old man who’s made a lot of bad choices in his life–or listen to it on the show as Sean, my Life Coach and I listen live and for the first time, dissecting and responding to each point as we go. The Goss has never been Hotter.

Of course, the majority of fans rejected the video for what it is: Maddox desperately grasping at straws and attempting to assassinate my character with out-of-context pot-shots. Nothing new from the creator of such famous bits as Dick vs. Dick and Dick on Dick and Dick the Dick Dick Dick. We all had a good laugh. Unfortunately, that was where the fun ended. When Maddox failed to get the reaction he was looking for among fans of the Biggest Problem, he went full-on SJW and dropped his lame little send-up video to his personal Facebook profile where we both shared hundreds of “friends”, many of whom are Internet-retarded, amped up for a witch hunt, and who very much hate things they don’t understand.

So….you can listen to the fall-out on the show, but because of that hot little chili pepper of a post, I’ve been ejected from a long running show at the UCB Theater and hounded by fat and/or unfunny Internet terrorists for the last week. If this had happened to anyone else on Earth, they’d be destroyed. Thank Trump, I have the support of you amazing people. Not only your great emails, but also your great money!

A huge thanks and GFY to all the Dick Heads and Dick Supporters on Patreon who blasted the Patreon budget of this show into the stratosphere. It pays to stand up for yourself, and in a world of shit-processed music, unfunny paint-by-numbers comedy, art that comes with a PR release, and people who are fucking zombies, it pays to stand up for a different kind of comedy.

I’ll defend anyone’s use of satire. If satire makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s the point. The more sensitive the topic matter, the harder the satire needs to be to change the conversation. Stats don’t communicate shit, feelings do. Over the last couple of years, the world has bent over and presented its ass to a form of new-age PC Puritans whose fervor is the same psychotic righteous indignation, but whose target is anything offensive, which I guess is the same old hateful, close-minded “anything that makes them uncomfortable”. It’s an intellectual wasteland ruled by a tyranny of the stupid and enforced by hand-wringing pussies who worry they’ll be next.

As promised in the episode, in order to counter Maddox’s implications that I was embezzling money from the financial juggernaut that was The Biggest Problem in the Universe, here are the financials in their entirety for the run of the show. I’ve redacted the names of payors and payees so as to not be a complete dickhead. One note: the financials are confusing because the show operated without an LLC, and because Paypal required two accounts: a “micropayment” account for single bonus episodes to save on purchase fees, and another regular account for season pass purchases.

Biggest Problem EXPENSES

Biggest Problem INCOME

Taxes – Draft

If you find something “suspicious” in them, let me know. I’m a lover and a fighter, not an accountant. I’m sure you’ll find something. I would post my “W9s” as well, but I don’t feel like blasting my EIN or SSN to the entire world. I take a hard line on “personal responsibility” as it turns out.

Then, at the end of the show, I drop a bit of a bombshell of my own.

Tune in next week when I pump the brakes on the Goss and hit the gas on the Rage. Here’s some light reading on Chump Syndrome if you’re interested. Doctors say that one out of two of every comedy podcast hosts are affected by it.

HIGH ENERGY thumbnail by Maximum Panic

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