I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN ESOTERICIST

(with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)

by Bill Beattie

I am the very model of a modern esotericist,

A seasoned astral traveler and edifying exorcist,

A sparkling star astrologer, a dead adroit necromancer,

A dab hand as a palmist and a card as a tarotmancer.

I’ve folk tradition lineage—Celtic and Germanical;

I’ve channeled Dion Fortune, and I’ve busted cults satanical;

Elusively mysterious in Eleusinian Mysteries,

I’ve proven eighty-three per cent of Velikovsky’s histories.

I am the very model of a modern esotericist;

My mystic methodology’s inherently empiricist;

I’ve tread the Cretan labyrinth on pathways that I travel on;

I won’t deny the rumor that I ghostwrote Mists of Avalon.

A truly great Great Riter and a master of tantrickery,

I’m up the Shining Pathways till the Guardians are sick of me.

I dazzle neo-Pagans as I break-dance round the Wicca ring

And, miracle of miracles, I even stop them bickering.

I’ve raised the Ghost of Crowley in a Gnostic Mass invoking in

Sumerian, Bavarian, Etruscan and Enochian.

I’d sing another chorus, but I have to see my therapist;

I am the very model of a modern esotericist.

(This reworking of a song from The Pirates of Penzance is posted on several Web sites including http://www.turoks.net/Cabana/IAmTheVeryModelOfAModernEsoteriscist.htm)