Sure, most of them didn't win, but you still have to stand back in awe at the sheer balls it takes to follow through on lawsuits like ...

Lots of "frivolous lawsuit" stories tend to be overblown -- what seems like a ridiculous and petty suit turns out to make sense when examined in its proper legal context. But even though no more than 80 percent of the Cracked staff has law degrees, we're pretty sure the following lawsuits -- in which criminals sued their victims -- are about as bad as things get.

5 A Man Sues His Hostages for Breaking Their Promise Not to Call the Cops

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We're fond of telling people they should quit while they're ahead. Well, in Jesse Dimmick's case, he was never really ahead, not once. But he still should've quit.

Back in September of 2009, Dimmick was a murder suspect who was running from the police, with some degree of success. Unfortunately for him, the tires on his stolen car were flat due to the police stop sticks he'd run over during the chase. So, needing a place to lay low, he got out and banged on the door of Jared and Lindsay Rowley, a pair of newlyweds. Figuring that if he was going to go on a crime spree, he might as well go all the way, Dimmick took the couple hostage.

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"Hi! I'm Murderer, and I'll be your host this evening on the Newlywed Game!"

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At this point the Rowleys were able to gain Dimmick's trust by feeding him a nutritious and delicious meal of Cheetos and Dr. Pepper. The trio then settled in to watch Patch Adams (no, really), and Dimmick dozed off. The Rowleys called the cops and they captured Dimmick, shooting him in the process. Look, real world criminals aren't exactly Dr. Moriarty, OK?

The Lawsuit:

To be fair, the victims struck first, suing Dimmick for $75,000 in damages. Dimmick, on the other hand, felt that not only should they not sue him, but he was the real victim here. He countersued for $235,000, claiming that they reneged on an oral deal to not call the cops on him.

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Dimmick claimed they agreed to hide him in exchange for money and movie reviews.

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Dimmick represented himself in court, since no actual lawyer wanted to do so. Shockingly, he lost, since:

- Making someone sign a contract under duress (verbal or written) is, well, totally illegal.

- The "wording" of the contract stated that the Rowleys would not call the cops after he left. Since he never left, they were totally in the right to call whomever they wanted.

- Fuck him.

After the case was dismissed, Dimmick tried again, this time suing the Topeka police department for a cool $435,000 over the gunshot wound he sustained during the attack. He claimed that he suffered from digestive problems, depression, and suicidal thoughts that were definitely unrelated to his new home in jail. He also claimed that he had recurring dreams of girls calling him a "monster" because of his scars. Yes, scars. That's it. Not the murder and kidnapping, no. Just the scars.