Director’s Note: I recently saw a hilariously weird picture of Donald Trump Junior sitting on a tree stump, for some reason, and I was so inspired that I wrote a new musical. This is the first act. Enjoy.

Casting Notes:

— The Role of SPINDERELLA will be played by this woman:

— The role of JACK, the carefree doofus, will be played by this guy:



— The role of JACK’S FATHER will be played by this tall glass of handsome right here:

— The role of THE BAKER will be played by this guy:

— The role of THE BAKER’S PARTNER will be played by this guy:

— The role of EVIL STEPBROTHER 1 will be played by this dude: — The role of EVIL STEPBROTHER 2 will be played by this guy who definitely wishes he was one of Trump’s sons:

— The role of the EVIL STEPFATHER will be played by, who else:

— The role of LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT will be played by someone who definitely likes a good walk through the woods:

— The role of the creepy beast lurking in the dark forest will be played by this dude:

— The role of THE NARRATOR will be played by this guy with an inordinate amount of free time on his hands:



NARRATOR

Once upon a time in a far off kingdom there lay a small

district at the edge of the woods. It was called

Washington D.C.

Stage lights land on a small cottage, we see inside to where Spinderella is rehearsing lines in front of a mirror by herself, with a microphone that has “CNN” crossed out and “FAKE NEWS” written in its place.

As each new character begins singing, they get their own spotlight until almost the entire stage is illuminated.

SPINDERELLA

(rehearsing lines in front of her mirror)

BS…

NARRATOR

and in this district

SPINDERELLA

Alternative facts. . .

NARRATOR

lived a woman who loved to pivot,

SPINDERELLA

(turning to speak to the narrator, answering him)

More than jewels…

NARRATOR

a carefree young doofus

Spotlight illuminates a board room setting where JACK is staring at a board with charts and numbers all over it.

JACK

(Staring at a report on nuclear energy, clearly

confused AF)

What’s this…?

NARRATOR

and a soon to be jobless baker

A spotlight illuminates down stage left where a baker is feverishly trying to come up with some kind of valuable skill that will get him hired.

JACK

I miss Vanilla Ice…

SPINDERELLA & BAKER

(Together)

I wish…

NARRATOR

with his partner

JACK

I hate energy…

SPINDERELLA, BAKER & JACK

More than the moon…

BAKER’S PARTNER

(Addressing the audience directly)

We’re not partner partners, or anything…



SPINDERELLA

The King is passing a travel ban!

BAKER & BAKER’S PARTNER

More than life…

JACK

I wish…

SPINDERELLA

I want to defend the Travel Ban!

BAKER & BAKER’S PARTNER

More than riches…

JACK

I wish my job just had less math. . .

BAKER’S PARTNER

More than anything…

SPINDERLLA

And those damn Tweets…

JACK

(Trying to count out on his fingers)

1, 2 . . .4? Damn it. . .

BAKER

I wish I had a job.

BAKER’S PARTNER

(To the Baker)

You’re such a child

SPINDERELLA

Can’t wait to defend the Travel Ban!

JACK

(hammering on a calculator like a monkey first

learning how to use a tool)

Come on, we’re both from Texas. You’re an instrument,

I’m a Sec-e-tary of Ernergy…I wish…

BAKER AND BAKER’S PARTNER

We wish the crowds would just stop booing

or that Bannon wouldn’t say “Jewing”…

SPINDERELLA

I wish…

EVIL STEPFATHER

You want to go on CNN…?

NARRATOR

The poor woman’s dignity had just died…

EVIL STEPFATHER

You, Spinderella, the Travel ban?

You’re pretty good, almost good as a man…

EVIL STEPBROTHER #1

My father loves you more than me.

Who are you, Ivanka T? The Travel Ban!

EVIL STEPBROTHER #2

The Travel ban? What about the Russians, man?

EVIL STEPFATHER, EVIL STEPBROTHER #1 and #2

The Russians, man? Talk to Steve Bann!

The Travel Ban!

NARRATOR

And rubbing piles of cash on her wounds

didn’t seem to heal her…

EVIL STEPFATHER

(Grabbing his golf clubs and his overly tight

weirdly ill-fitting khakis and looking for the

door)

To golf again!

NARRATOR

And she just wanted to go back to the

normal lies about politics. Like healthcare

stuff. But her stepfather was always

watching.

EVIL STEPBROTHER #1

Look at your nails!

EVIL STEPBROTHER #2

Look at your dress!

EVIL STEPFATHER

At tops you’re a 4, maybe less

SPINDERELLA

Nevertheless, I’ll snap off the lights

As quick as a clapper, now please let

Me go and fight with Jake Tapper. . .?

STEPFATHER AND STEPBROTHERS

She still wants to fight for the travel ban?

Go get your briefing from Reince on the plan.

NARRATOR

All three were beautiful of wallet, but greasy of hair.

Jack, on the other hand, had no mother, and his father–

JACK’S FATHER

I wish…

NARRATOR

Well, he was not quite beautiful–



JACK’S FATHER

I wish my son was just more bright.

I wish my keyboard had more alt-right’s.

I wish people would see the white man’s plight.

That my mirror hadn’t run in fright-

I wish a lot of things…

The stage goes dark. The only thing left illuminated is the face of THE EVIL STEPFATHER as he furiously taps away at his unsecured, non-government-issued smart phone, presumably Tweeting things in all caps, like “Sad!”.

The spotlights illuminate the Baker’s shop which has been moved to center stage. The baker is inside trying to sneak doughnuts, but the baker’s partner keeps smacking his hands away from them.

Little Blue Pantsingsuit skips up to the door and knocks.

BAKER’S Partner

Why, come in, little girl.

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

I wish…

(She looks up at the roof of the cottage, distracted)

Say, is that a skylight?

BAKER’S PARTNER

It’s a glass ceiling actually.

(Really, really, obnoxiously proud of himself)

Hasn’t been broken yet!

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

(Puts a list down on the table)

I need a loaf to take uphill

To feed the ravenous guy named Bill

To the woods I shall not fail

to the woods, where there’s no email

Just a loaf of bread, please…

THE BAKER’S PARTNER

Did you say “poor”? Then he’s definitely not

any concern of ours. . .

THE BAKER

Why are you going through the woods, anyway?

Can’t you just take the bridge across Sherwood

river?

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

You should know this, sir: the bridge has

been closed for some reason.

The spotlights illuminate to upper stage left where Spinderella’s cottage is once again illuminated, in tandem with the bakery.

NARRATOR

Spinderella’s Stepfather had a surprise for her.

EVIL STEPFATHER

I have emptied 4 full Tweets onto the internet.

If you have defended all 560 characters in

two hours’ time, you shall go to CNN for an interview.

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

(Leaning over to whisper to the Baker)

You guys don’t happen to sell any servers

Or four?…

SPINDERELLA

Words of his Tweet,

More repellant than DEET,

All his money, though, in my hand,

Oh, that hair,

(Shivering)

Man, what a man…

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

Can I pause for a dance break?

EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE AUDIENCE

NOOOOO!

SPINDERELLA

Come little white lies

Like powder you snow, down from the skies

(She lines up a rail of cocaine)

little white lies

(She snorts down the rail using a $100 bill)

Make me one of the guys,

Forget the truth, why bother to try?

SPINDERELLA

Ahhh…

Now let’s pivot and swivel

Alternative facts hack facts into drivel

Let’s tweet and let’s twist

The media: dismiss,

(She picks up the phone)

Hey, Spicey: it’s Spinderella. You ready?

From Downstage Left, Jack and his Father walk on stage.

JACK’S FATHER

Listen well, son. Nukey-White must be taken

to North Korea.

JACK

But, father, no- he’s the best intercontinental

ballistic missile that we have…

JACK’S FATHER

Look at it, Jack.

It’s sitting here wasting fission.

And Kim Jong’s on a mission.

What’s a few mushroom clouds

If you make your old Daddy proud?

JACK

But–

JACK’S Father

Son,

We’ve no time to sit and dither,

We need a distraction that’s greater than Twitter-

I need some more food, to fill up this paunch!

And we don’t get paid, unless we go for launch…

Jack sighs and grabs his highly covert, nuclear-code-briefcase and heads towards the forest.

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

Into the woods,

It’s time to go,

To get away,

From the Bernie Bros

Into the woods-

Ahead full steam

I will become an instant meme.

Into the woods

Where bears take dumps

(She looks at one of the paths out of the

village, labeled “Michigan” and the other

path labeled, “The Woods”)

I’ll skip Michigan,

those guys are chumps

BAKER’S PARTNER

You’re, uh, certain of your strategy?

You’re not even going to bother with

Michigan?

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

The path is clear,

The light is good,

I have no fear,

Nor no one should.

BAKER’S ASSISTANT

(Skeptical)

Like, maybe you should be a little

nervous. I feel like you’re a little

too certain of yourself on this one.

LITTLE BLUE PANTSINGSUIT

It’s just the woods, no lions den,

I’ll feel the burn, but not “ern”.

I sort of hate to ask it,

But do you have a basket?

Into the woods

I shall not scare,

My hood covers me

like Obamacare,

Into the woods,

And who can tell

What’s waiting on the journey?

Little Blue Pantsingsuit reaches for another piece of bread while the Baker has his back turned to her. He catches her out the corner of her eye, but she scampers out of the bakery.

The Baker

They really ought to lock her up…

Little Blue Pantsingsuit skips out onto the trail, but doesn’t notice that she’s being followed by the evil stepfather. He’s rubbing together his tiny little baby hands with glee.

THE EVIL STEPFATHER

She looks fatigued already. I knew

she didn’t have the stamina for this…

Off in the distance a wolf howls pervily. A single beam of light illuminates him as he sits awkwardly on a tree stump in a weird flannel outfit.

The curtain closes for the end of Act I.