James Edward Franco is our greatest living national treasure, and also my greatest living enemy. Yes, this is not the first time that I have tangled with Mr. Franco, and I expect to tangle with him again in future times. …ANY-way; James Franco. He’s like a sextuple threat: actor, director, creator of annoying performance art, seller of air, short story writer, blogger. Yes, blogger. James Franco and I are both bloggers — by god, we have so much in common, except for the part where he’s inconceivably famous and attractive and I am not.

There are other differences between us too. James Franco writes for the grand, the exalted Huffington Post, whereas I am merely a humble scrivener for Thought Catalog. Also, my blogs are not 3,000 words of pretentious twaddle and lists of the movies I’ve seen most recently, as I am not famous and attractive enough to get away with this sort of thing. (Also, my blog is not called “A Search for the Real,” as I am not a stoned seventeen-year-old. James Franco also isn’t seventeen, but that appears not to have stopped him.)

So besides being a bloggoactordirectartistdildoairstorywriter, James Franco also has a new book of poetry coming out. Though of course, he’s too modest to mention such a thing, because he is a humble Yale doctoral candidate who was nominated for a National Entertainment Journalism award and therefore is too humble to mention things like his new book of poetry, entitled Strongest of the Litter, not that James Franco would ever unsubtly bring that up or anything.

But why bother to publish an entire book of poetry when every word out of your lips is pure blissful poetry? That is the question. Why James, why? Every word that comes out of James Franco’s beautiful lips is magic and is special, and I will prove it. Below are excerpts from James Franco’s Huffington Post blog that I have rearranged into poetry with very little effort. Call it “The Accidental Poetry of James Franco,” if you will. And so, savor the magic. Savor the literature. Savor the… Franco. Enjoy:

_____

THE ACCIDENTAL POETRY OF JAMES FRANCO – VOL. 1

_____

“FLIGHT”

–

_____

–

“SEX”

–

_____

–

–

_____

–

“ADDICTION”

–

_____

–

“POETRY”

–

_____

_____

…Ye-eeep. So, stay tuned for unlimited future installments of “The Accidental Poetry of James Franco,” coming just as soon as he starts yammering on HuffPo again and as soon as I feel like it as well. So. Until then, literati, until then! Farewell and ave atque vale.