EUGENE, OR—Now synonymous with controversial uniforms, the Oregon Ducks reached a new level of contentiousness Saturday when they took the field to play Stanford wearing helmets, jerseys, pants, socks, and shoes made entirely of rotting, feather-strewn duck flesh. “Jesus Christ, the smell and all those goddamn flies,” said Stanford head coach David Shaw, who pleaded with officials to suspend the game when a nauseous Cardinal defense started vomiting on the field, and again when slippery footballs covered in duck blood limited his team’s passing game. “I’ve said before that their uniforms can be overly distracting, but the way the sun glints off those slimy duck entrails wrapped around the waist clearly has to be some kind of violation. Plus I’ve got a halfback receiving stitches from the duck bill that snapped off a tackler’s shoulder pads and lacerated his forearm.” According to NCAA officials, an investigation into Oregon’s controversial uniforms will be conducted as soon as health officials deem the sweaty, festering duck carcasses now strewn in a sopping pile on the floor of the Autzen Stadium locker room safe enough for inspection.

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