In 2006, 86 billion dollars was blown on weddings. This number is misleading, however, as it does not include all the bullshit newly married women buy in an effort to wash the stain of ex-girlfriend off of their new husband’s old furniture.

Yes. Women think like that.

The 86 billion dollar Wedding Waste also does not account for all the vacation plans and work days your average wedding fucks with — especially mine. The real dollar figure is probably in the trillions. Remember when Jennifer Aniston shut down the PCH for her wedding? How much did that bitch cost?

Weddings are obviously a business for dress makers, photographers, videographers, caterers, shitty DJ’s, bakers, florists, musicians, priests, Elvis priests, limo drivers, divorce attorneys, and the entire “chick flick” industry, but more importantly, weddings are a business for you: the groom. Whether you like it or not!

Congratulations, gay people of California. Welcome to hell.

When you sign on the dotted line of a marriage license, you’re entering a business contract. Forget the vows. Forget the Chicken Dance. Forget the lame bachelor party that takes place camping instead of at a strip club because the modern groom is too much of a pussy to look at a naked boob — and the modern bride is too fucking stupid and too much of a bitch to realize that paying to see some tits does not count as cheating. Seeing naked tits is not even in the same universe as cheating. If Total Recall had been released in 2008, engaged men wouldn’t be allowed to see it.

When you get married, you are signing a legal contract. That’s what marriage is. It has nothing to do with “romantic gesture” and everything to do with getting claws in your cash. If you don’t think that’s 100% true, try telling your fiancee that you’re fine with embarrassing yourself in front of your 200 closest friends and family by emotionally masturbating with her in some kind of sick, childlike pantomime of sincere affection just to put a smile on her face; you just don’t want to sign a legal document that leverages sex against money.

Because that’s called prostitution.

The thunderclap you’ll hear right after telling her that is the sound of her vagina closing to you forever. Marriage is a business. When you leave the business part out, women don’t consider it marriage. All women are whores, and nothing says that better than the words, “I do”.

Leaving money out of a marriage turns a woman’s vagina from a retirement fund into a coin purse.

Before you cinch the nuptial noose around your nuts, I want you to ask yourself one question:

Do you remember the last time you made a business decision just because you “felt lucky”? Well do you, Punk?

Besides motorcycles, boats, and mortgages that half of America couldn’t afford, men do not make business decisions based on their feelings and, more importantly, they are never encouraged to start. Consult my last three examples. Each of them is a financial black hole and only one of them turns a profit in Man Points.

Boats are money pits; motorcycles sit unused in the garage until I buy them on eBay for a substantially reduced price; and marriage is a subprime meltdown for your personal life.

Marriage is a business and a WSB (Whore Savings Bond) for the shrill bitch your wife will become the second the divorce papers are signed.

Can you imagine if the rest of the business world operated like the business of marriage? Everything would be owned by one big conglomerate because it would be too expensive for companies to stop doing business with one another. Nothing would ever improve because with no competition, GE wouldn’t invent the all-in-one convection oven/microwave. GE would just sit around in a velor jumpsuit watching television all day, imagining ways her kids could be in danger, and approaching a size 16 at 55 miles and hour in the fast lane. Decisions would be made by a faceless entity of compromise that made no one happy and somehow took ten times as long. Everyone would get 50% of everything no matter how impossible that was and how little work everyone else did. And everything would suck because marriage has zero benefits.

You can have children without being married. Trust me.

The entire shit would also be run by divorce lawyers. In the business of marriage, they’re the real winners.

Every time I get drunk, I sign a contract with Jack Daniels that promises the feeling will last forever. It doesn’t. It’s called a hangover. Grow up and deal with it.

50% of the time, marriage doesn’t “work”, it just doesn’t fail. Just because you didn’t crash your car on the way to Vegas doesn’t mean you had a good time. Maybe you stayed in Binions. Maybe you lost your wallet at a blackjack table. Maybe you just sat in the driveway and cried because your wife will never be your 20 year old secretary.

That’s a loss of Man Points.

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