The Other Side of the Story, Trust (Claims of Hotness) But Verify (Claims of Hotness), the True Meaning of Disinterest — Reader Advice Roundup!

This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: Years after reuniting the son she placed for adoption started sending her dick pics and wanting to swap sexual fantasies; a reader wonders whether the panties and the box of boobs in the basement have something to do with why her boyfriend doesn't want to fuck her; a young muscle sub wonders why no guys his own age wanna dominate him ; and his wife kissed a gay dude a year before they married and now he's thinking they might have to get divorced. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast

First up, I took a call on the podcast this week from a man who claimed his wife—who lives with her boyfriend—doesn't have sex with him (at her boyfriend's insistence) and doesn't want him sleeping with other women. His wife wrote in with her side of the story...

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I’m the wife of your weird caller on the Savage Lovecast today. I haven’t listened to the call, but I plan to. I don’t think it matters that some of what seems to have been represented by my husband is untrue, because I’m sure there are people who can relate and benefit from it anyway. Also the truth is longer and probably a harder nut to crack. Must of what he said said were over-simplified and so Dan formed an opinion based on these misrepresentations. The short list: • Hubs and I never lived together, he never wanted to, I was okay with that. • On our honeymoon, hubs told me he was not sexually attracted to me and that he was relieved he was able to achieve an erection so that he could have sex with me on our wedding night because he wanted me to be happy. • During Harvey, while flooded into his house for a week, hubs finally asked me to seek out other partners because he couldn’t take seeing me so sad at his continued rejection of my romantic overtures. • I meet my boyfriend online and tell my husband. I meet the boyfriend dude who I think will be friends with benefits and all goes very well for a bit. • Hubs actually managed to cheat in the only way he could (because we are non-monogamous/RA) which was by hiding it and being dishonest. He interpreted my hurt about the dishonesty as hurt about another woman. • And my husband was the person who said that I needed to make sure my boyfriend knew I was not having sex with my husband. Boyfriend had always figured I was having sex with husband and never forbade me from anything. Honestly this part is so sideways but I’m happy to elaborate if there’s any value in it. Long story short, I wholeheartedly support my husband having new partners, I have encouraged it, and even had a brief but meaningful friendship with one of his long distance romantic partners in 2019. Ladies, if you’re listening, he’s single!

The chief occupational hazard in my ridiculous line of work: I can’t launch an investigation, I can’t subpoena witnesses, I can't depose all involved parties. Which means I'm pretty much forced to accept the premise of the question and—unless there’s some obvious reason not to—trust that the LW or caller is being truthful and advise them accordingly. Your husband, if your characterizations are correct, wasn’t fully honest about with me about his situation or your actions. My apologies.

Regarding my advice for having sex during this pandemic on the top of this week's Savage Lovecast...

Dan! You are killing my sex life! (See the image, enclosed bellow.) Please tell me I’m right! Or just... lie for me! Because if the truth is that we're not allowed to rim right now... THEN I CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH.



Don't shoot the messenger. I wasn't telling people not to eat ass during this pandemic. I was merely sharing New York City Health's commendably explicit sex advice about keeping yourself safe. And while COVID-19 has not been found in semen or vaginal fluid, notes NYC Health, "[it] has been found in feces of people who are infected with the virus... [and] rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19."

Of course getting close enough to someone to have vaginal, anal, or oral sex "might spread COVID-19" too, and NYC Health isn't urging people to abstain from vaginal, anal, or oral sex. We're being urged to "avoid close contact—including sex—with anyone outside your household." But fucking someone inside your household who wants to fuck you? Have at, says NYC Health. And since NYC Health isn't telling us to abstain from other forms of sex that "might" carry a risk of infection, we can reasonably infer that it's okay to eat ass too—so long as you're eating household ass and not, say, ordering some non-household ass on a hookup app.

But anyone who's stupid enough to have sex with randos right now should know that eating ass is potentially riskier than other forms of sexual activity.

Regarding my advice for FRIEND:

You wrote to FRIEND: "As for tips about being hot on Zoom or FaceTime or Fox Nation or whatever... if you want to maintain your anonymity keeping your face and any identifying tattoos out of the shot is a good idea." An extra dose of anonymity could be added by getting a pile of identical small temporary tattoos; always wear one in a place noticeable when dressed (wrist, neck, etc.) whenever playing online. If anyone thinks they recognize you, they will look for it in person or on social media. A fake prominent mole, scar or birthmark would work too. Just don't overdo it and be sure to remove it when you're done.

And...

I'm a regular reader of your column and I love it. You've made me way more sex positive and open on so many levels. So, thank you! But I'm writing because in today's column I saw you used the word "spaz." I'm a disabled person who sits in community with a lot of other disabled folks. So I'm big on collectively reducing our ableist language. Remember when Trump made fun of that disabled reporter by imitating an involuntary motion? Well, using the word "spaz" is the written equivalent. The word spaz was originally a derogatory term for people with disabilities. When we say spaz, we're comparing our own dumb mistakes and awkward behavior to people with disabilities who aren't dumb or making mistakes. The word is short for "spastic" which is an alteration in muscle tone that causes an involuntary motion. There are many conditions that cause spasms. A well-known example is cerebral palsy. All that to say, please don't call yourself of anyone else a "spaz." That's one way you can be an ally to disabled people. I also encourage you to read more on what ableist language looks like from a disabled advocate. Ableist language is everywhere, but there are some particularly bad offenders. And "spaz" is one of them. Please kick it to the curb.

Thank you for writing in—and you can consider that word not just kicked to the curb, but curb stomped as well. Sorry I let you down.

Regarding my advice for BDSM, the young gay muscle sub who didn't where to find himself a young gay Dom...

You're slipping, Dan. Or maybe you're just out of practice after taking three weeks off the Letter of the Day or maybe you're stressed by the pandemic. But usually when someone claims to be incredibly hot and their hotness is relevant to their question, Dan, you demand proof—photos! videos!—before you respond! BDSM's letter was hot. But is there any proof he is? I was surprised you took his word for it.

BDSM's hotness is verifiable and verified:

There's gotta be at least one hot guy BDSM's own age out there who wants to order him around. I can't put readers in touch with each other—can't tell from an email who is and isn't an ax murderer—but BDSM says he just joined Recon, which has a "new members" search function. So if there any interested hot young Doms out there, that's where and how you can find him.

Someone called into the Lovecast for recommendations about VR porn and I admitted to not knowing anything about it. But at least one of my listeners does...

If your caller wants to try VR porn without spending a lot of money, they should go buy an Oculus Go. It is a $150 all-in-one VR headset that supports up to “4K” resolution. Then browse to a VR aggregate site like SexLikeReal and see what it’s all about. A good penis-compatible sex toy completes the experience. If they want maximum quality and control, they can download the videos from subscription sites to a computer, and then stream the downloaded VR videos to the headset using an app called Skybox. This allows more control over how the image is “projected." I say this anonymously.

Some love for last week's show from Twitter...

@fakedansavage Just finished episode 700 of the #savagelovecast that was the best description of the hows and whys of social distancing I’ve heard. Thanks for bringing amazing guests here n your show!

— Julie Vecchio (@fishvecchio) March 25, 2020

Seriously if anyone isn’t a magnum subscriber, sign up for one month just to hear Dr. Daniel Westreich talk social distancing!

— Julie Vecchio (@fishvecchio) March 25, 2020

All the credit for the awesomeness of Episode 700—Jesus, our seven hundredth episode?!?—goes to Dr. Daniel Westreich, who can (and should) follow on Twitter @EpidByDesign.

Slog commenter Fred Casely points out what may be my most egregious error ever:

"The most charitable read is that your boyfriend is a very complicated straightish guy who has neglected you out of DISINTEREST in partnered sex generally." That should be "out of A LACK OF INTEREST in partnered sex." "Disinterested" means impartial, or not personally invested in an outcome. An example of a disinterested party would be a courtroom judge or a referee in an athletic competition.

And finally...

This New Yorker comic strip kinda jumped out at me in a fabulous way. Check out the 5th panel. Just seeing the ITMFA button warmed my heart. And while I have your attention, TYTYTYTY for your consistent work in support of all that is good and right and fair and delightful. The Lovecast and the column are helping me get through the current national crises (the one that started on 1/20/17 and the more recent one involving Miss ‘Rona). Peace to you and all who sail in you!

And we're going to leave it there. Have a great weekend, everybody, stay inside, wash your hands, watch Tiger King, and send me your questions. We'll see you back here on Monday.

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