Is my mind clear? It feels quiet today. Sharper. Focused.

I’ve spent the morning feeling as though I am in a bubble. Mute. Numb. Silent. Marvelling at the quiet of my mind and absurdity of everything else.

4 hours post ingestion, the intensity has worn off and I have decided that 300mg is not the ideal amount for a weekday dosage for me. As pleasant as the experience was, I feel my plan for sub-perceptual treatment was lost in the fuzzy warm feeling of euphoria, in the brilliant blue of Brisbane’s sky and the architecture of the skyline. The subtle tickle of the leaves as they grazed my finger tips. And the near desperate desire to be in the park, in the sun, in my bubble.. watching the people doing their people-things, lost in their thoughts of shopping lists, to-do lists, box ticking, mind ticking, thinking, thinking, thinking. It is most definitely not conducive to a productive working day at the desk!

In this space it is easier to unpack some of the destructive patterns I have found myself in.. feeling the need to justify/explain myself to others, filling in the blank spaces of time with mindless drivel in order to avoid “awkward silence”, not being mindful of my language.. specifically the words that follow “I am..”, as well as the energy I tolerate in my space. There is something within me that not only tolerates the disrespectful (I’d go as far as to say abusive) energy of others, but welcomes and perhaps even delights in it.

It feels as though, for the first time, the ‘how’ is clear and within my grasp. As if it always were, because, truly, it always has been.

..As well as the power to reinvent myself, if that is what I choose to do. Everything is a choice, and whilst we choose what we choose based on a plethora of variables, the important factor here is that we own those choices.

There is something I’m not quite grasping though.. I feel it, just beyond my reach. The answers to a riddle my mind is continually drawn to, particularly in this quiet space. A riddle. Questions I’m not sure how to find answers to, or if I ever will. Why do I keep drawing this same picture? What is it I am fighting against surrendering to? Interestingly, the desire to find answers through other people has all but disappeared. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Nobody else has anything of value to add to this space anyway..