The NonGuidebook Version of What to Do (and Not Do) in NYC

Its that time of year: New York City is flooded with tourists. Thanks to the weak American Peso, the place is just thick with 'em.

There are lots of standard guides you might find helpful to use (i.e., NYC Guide for Tourists), but they are primarily designed for that gullible visitor, the double decker riding, Hawaiian shirt wearing, one born every minute visitor -- the Rube.

That's not you. You are much hipper than that. You want to be in the know, plugged in, well connected. Well, ya came to the right place. I'm going to give you the straight dope, the inside info that the guidebooks don't tell you about. This is real insider trading, "Blue Horse Shoe Loves Anacot Steel" type stuff that people go to jail for. Not you or me, but people. Some people. Mostly tourists.



Anyway, instead of relying on a Fodors or Let's Go NYC, consider these suggestions from a born and bred Nu Yawkah (I even got dah aksent dat gos wit da place). A Brooklyn born guy who works in finance and has worked in NYC most of his Adult life, this guy knows a thing or two about Gotham.

These suggestions will help make your stay in the city enjoyable and safe. It well help you get the most out of your visit here. As an added bonus, I get to keep all of you birkenstocked, rucksack wearing, slow walking, camera snapping touristas out from underfoot of us locals.

Enjoy.

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A New Yorker's Guide for Tourists: 20 Ways to Make Your Stay in New York City More Enjoyable

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1. DO NOT DRESS ALIKE. This is for your safety, as well as for the benefit of the typical New Yorker's highly refined aesthetic sense. At all costs, avoid wearing identical matching outfits. Worse than looking like hicks from the sticks, you will look like a group of out-of-towners begging to be mugged.

I don't mean literally mugged by a criminal element, but rather, robbed by unscrupulous taxi drivers and retail merchants alike. They will spot you as a rube, and be all too happy take advantage of your apparent naivete to lighten your wallets.

You might as well carry a sign that says "Rob Me!" -- and they will.

The corollary to this is to avoid festooning every item of clothing you have on with "New York, NYC, or Yankees" logos -- No one is THAT big of a fan -- for the same reason as above.

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2. BATHROOMS : Here's the thing: There just aren't many public bathrooms in NYC.

Why? Its a long story, which I don't have time to go into, but there just aren't that many. Plan accordingly.



Your best bets are as follows:

Department stores

Starbucks

Barnes & Noble/Borders Bookstores

Restaurants

Hotels

The nicest public toilet in the city is Bryant Park at 42nd Street between 5/6. Sometimes there is a wait.



For those of you who have real, um, reallygottagonow issues, its best that you plan ahead. Get a copy of Where to Go: A Guide to Manhattan's Toilets. Thats right, the NYC toilet situation is so absurd that someone wrote a book about it.

On the plus side, the Rainbow Room and the Grand Havana Club have some of the nicest bathrooms I've ever been in -- floor to ceiling windows, right next to the urinals!



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3. Tipping : The city has a service-based economy, and tipping is encouraged/demanded/insisted upon.

Some basic suggestions: 15% of the bill for "Fair" service, 20% for "Good" service. This applies to waiters, waiteresses, bartenders, cab drivers, call girls, etc. Note that you can easily ballpark 15% by doubling the tax (~16%). Chamber maids should get $5 per day.

Leaving a 5-10% tip is considered a complaint -- but stiffing (leaving nothing) is not perceived as a complaint, but as a sign of cheapness/cluelessness.

Note that for large parties (6 or more) some restaurants automatically add the tip to the bill, so double check that bill (don't double tip).

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4. See a LIVE TV Show : This requires some advanced planning, usually 6 months to a year ahead of time. I suggest Late Show with David Letterman, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and Saturday Night Live (email SNL TIckets).

If you did not plan in advance for this year, no worries: Just diary this for next December or January to order tickets for Summer 2009.

Imagine where the US Dollar will be then -- we'll practically be paying you to come here!

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5. Do a bunch of local New York things: Hang out in Central Park, Explore Brooklyn, wear black, enjoy the free WiFi in Bryant Park (use the bathroom there -- nice). Attend a lecture at the 92nd ST Y, go to Chinatown in Queens. Buy junk at a street fair, and eat street meat (don't ask). Have a cigar at the Grand Havana Room (members only). Catch an author speak at a Barnes & Noble (use the bathroom while you are there).

Spend a weekend at Fire Island or the Hamptons (make arrangements first). Go to a designer sample sale. Do the NYT crossword puzzle on mass transit. Jog around the reservoir in Central Park. Go to a Woody Allen retrospective. See the Mets at Shea.



The ultimate New Yorker activity? Buy the Sunday NY Times late Saturday night; skim it, then lounge around early Sunday morning, with the paper -- and a pot of strong coffee -- in bed Sunday morning. Heavenly!



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6. iPod walking guides



Continued -- A New Yorker's Guide for Tourists: 20 Ways to Make Your Stay in New York City More Enjoyable

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6. iPod walking guides

There are lots of really cool guides to various Manhattan neighborhoods. I haven't done all of these, but I've done a few -- most of these come highly recommended.

Lastly, note that Apple's iTunes Music Store and Audible.com also offer a wide catalog of audio tours for purchase and many are for no charge.

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7. Watch out for DELIVERY and MESSENGER BIKES! Most people can easily avoid getting run over by buses, trucks, and cabs -- they are large and visible, and frequently go the right way on one way streets.

None of the above applies to bicyclists. Many are suicidal maniacs seeking to save money on the cost of cyanide, and by ignoring all road rules, they hope to meet their makers that much sooner. You don't want to join them.

Be aware: They run lights, jump up on sidewalks, go the wrong way down one way streets. Look for them when getting in and out of cabs, or crossing midtown streets, or popping out between parked cars. They can be bone crushers -- be careful.



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8. DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING: Walk four abreast holding hands; Congregate around busy street corners, hang around stairways or active doorways; Do not clutter up Grand Central Station during rush-hour (8-9 and 5-6) -- its much nicer around 11am;

These are just a start -- there are many other DO NOTs I can think of, but rather than list them, let me impress upon you the importance of Situational Awareness. This is a military and aviation term, but it also refers to any complex environment where errors in the decision making process has significant repercussions. "Situation awareness has been formally defined as "the perception of elements in the environment within a volume of time and space, the comprehension of their meaning, and the projection of their status in the near future."

Just please try to stand a little bit out of the way while making such future status projections.



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9. Taxis : Two things you should remember about cabs: They work 12 hour shifts that end around 6:00, so getting a cab between 5 and 6pm is always a challenge. Also, as soon as it starts to rain, the available cabs become invisible. (No one knows why).

On Duty: Look at the light on top of the car -- 4 or 5 random letters and numbers, like GR45. When it's lit, the cab is available; See the off-duty sign on either side? When they are lit, the cab is unavailable. Easy!

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10. Buy the following books:

Also, bookmark the following NY Magazine webpages:

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11. Go on, ask us something, ANYTHING. Surprise! New Yorkers are much nicer people than you have heard. Want a photo taken? Need directions? Anything else you might think of -- we love to show off, so feel free to ask.

Despite our gruff reputations, far fewer of us are the assholes you have seen in the movies.

Except that guy BIll -- He's a jerk. And that guy Larry is no prize, either. But other than those two guys, we are nicer than you would think . . .

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12. Hey Buddy! Get outta the way! Despite the above, let me remind you that this is a working city. This is not like Washington, DC, or Las Vegas -- places that are artificially supported by the hard work of fools from other cities.

No, this is an actual working city with real industries: Wall Street and finance, advertising, publishing, film & broadcast television, fashion, theater, media, real estate, dining, and tourism. Also on the list: bioscience, web design, software development, game design, sex, food-processing and internet services. Despite 35% of NYC jobs being related to the Finance industry, we actually have quite a diverse economy.

Do us all a favor, and try not to get underfoot too much.



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13. Travel Worldwide via Food: You can travel around the world's view the restaurants in Manhattan alone Burmese, Thai, Tibetan, Afghanistan, Turkish, Vietnamese, Brazilian, Peruvian -– and that's just in my neighborhood.

Excellent steak houses, killer brick oven pizza, great hamburgers -- pretty much anything you desire in terms of culinary creativity or excesses can be had in New York.

Decide on your budget, do a little research, and off you go!

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14. Go Shopping! With the American peso down 40% since 2001, everything here is tremendous bargain. From the high-end stores found on upper Fifth and Madison Avenues; to the jewelry districts (48th between fifth and 6th Ave), we got lots of stuff for sale on sale. Or, you can take a bus to Woodberry Commons or Tangers -- large designer brand outlet centers located a few hours from Manhattan with even cheaper prices.

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15. Enjoy Live Entertainment: We have Jazz clubs, big bands, Stand up comedy, Classical concerts, Poetry readings, Central Park concerts, authors reading their works, lectures. See what's at NYU or Columbia. Ballet, Opera, Modern Dance.



Pick up a Village Voice (free in Manhattan) or check out Flavorpill.com/newyork for all of the recent listings.



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16. Enjoy Art & Sculpture

See some Art galleries -- we have 100s. Museums? We have scores of em (see Google Maps for NY Museum). Check out Soho. Walk through the Village.

For a fascinating day trip, take a ride up to Storm King Sculpture Garden, about an hour north of the George Washington Bridge, to see tons (literally) of enormous outdoor artwork in a pastoral, 500 acre park-like setting .



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17. Buy an unlocked iPhone or 3 -- cheap! And, the merchants here love to haggle!

Just make sure you understand what you are getting. These are normally locked into a 2 year contract with AT&T. We can't use the unlocked ones here, but I you guys can back home. Double check with a local geek from your home country.



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18. Lose the Rucksack: Look, I've stayed at hotels all over the country -- leaving iPods, laptops, expensive watches lying around the room. Nothing has ever been stolen.

Why do you people feel the need to carry everything you own on your backs? Are you climbing Mount kilimanjaro? No? Then why pack like that? No one needs to travel with their entire assets on their back

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19. Wheely carts: I Hate ‘em; so does everyone else in the city. They trip people, get in the way, and generally are a pain in the arse. Unless you have to schlep it with you, please leave your stuff in the hotel (Don't worry, no one wants to steal your stinky clothes anyway).



If it's that heavy, leave it in your damn hotel room, and stop tripping everybody.

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20. Do a bunch of touristy New York things: Okay, just in case you wanted to know all the usual crap:

Go to Times Square, see the Statue of Liberty, take a Circle Line ride around Manhattan, go to the top of the Empire State Building, spend a few hours in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, visit the best collection of Modern Art in America at MOMA, eat in Chinatown, ride a horse drawn carriage thru Central Park, see a Broadway play or two, catch a show at Radio City Music Hall, go to Yankees game. Take in a mass at St. Patricks Cathedral. (Skip the WTC, its just a big hole in the ground).

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UPDATE: May 14, 2008 11:30am

Since so many of you have asked: This started with friends from California who were coming to visit NYC -- they had never been before -- and wanted what they described as the nonGuidebook version of what to do in NYC. So what began as an email exchange turned into a list of 20 Ways to Make Your Stay in NYC More Enjoyable. I polished it up, thinking readers from out of town might appreciate this -- it is definitely NOT Fodors material...

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Any other suggestions? Add them in comments!

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008 | 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (81) | TrackBack (0)

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Comments

Outstanding list!

Would only add one thing: take the ferry from downtown over to Ellis Island on a nice day.

Posted by: ajw | May 14, 2008 10:06:15 AM