Posted on October 31, 2008 in Articles

With the end of the 2008 Presidential election, a thorough retrospection of the most astonishing Sarah Palin moments is a necessity. Providing blogs with the kind of fodder we could only have dreamed of, it’s time to recap some of the highlights of Sarah Palin’s efforts in the 2008 campaign:

5. IF YOU CALL JOE BIDEN OLD, I’LL CALL JOHN MCCAIN THE UNDEAD

Now, call me crazy, but did Sarah Palin just try to make a wise crack about how old Joe Biden is? While this didn’t garner much attention from the media, it was quite the ironic jab, as Sarah Palin’s would-be Presidential-Overlord, John McCain, can often times be mistaken for an undead ghoul. For the record, at the tender age of 72, John McCain would be the oldest first-term President in the history of the United States.

4. THE ANSWER SO STUPID THAT TINA FEY REREAD IT WORD FOR WORD ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Under the section of “dumbest answer to a question anyone should have seen coming” is Sarah Palins response to a simple and completely foreseeable question on why the federal bailout should be supported by those not directly benefiting from it (aka the lower and middle class). In the end, Sarah Palin would deliver one of the most moronic replies, basically meandering from one incomprehensible assortment of words to the next:

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more, and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess? PALIN: That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this position that we have been put in. Where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh, it’s got to be about job creation, too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade — we have got to see trade as opportunity, not as, uh, competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation.

This answer was so hilariously idiotic that Tina Fey recited it verbatim on Saturday Night Live.

3. I SPENT $150,000 ON CLOTHES BUT I COULDN’T FIND A SCARF WITH THE RIGHT ANIMAL ON IT

We’ve all heard ad nauseum about Sarah Palin’s mavericky middle-class hockey-mom Christian-oriented moose-hunting six-pack Joe just-like-every-Middle-American background. But it turns out that the Republican party spent 3 times the median American income just to dress her for the 2 months of campaigning. That’s right, $150,000 on clothes during one of the worst economic crises in modern history. And what could be worse than appearing as completely out of touch with your own image? How about showing up to events, decked out in your $150k clothing, only to get the animal of the Democrats on your scarf? Sounds about right, but knowing Ms. Palin, she probably thought the donkeys were miniature elephants.

2. I WILL BE THE DARK LORD OF THE SENATE

Q: Brandon Garcia wants to know, “What does the Vice President do?” PALIN: That’s something that Piper would ask me! … They’re in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom.

Sadly enough, Palin had appeared on CNBC in June amid speculation of being selected to be John McCain’s running mate, but deferred the appeal of the position, as she had to ask out loud, “What does a Vice President do?”. So between June and October, all Sarah Palin learned about the Vice President is that it ‘gets in there’ with the Senate. Sounds like someone’s been copying Dick Cheney’s homework.

1. PUTIN ONCE INVADED MY AIRSPACE AND I SAW HIM WITH MY CREATIONIST TELESCOPE, ERGO I HAVE FOREIGN POLICY EXPERIENCE

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials. PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They’re in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia– COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians? PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We– we do– it’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is– from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to– to our state.

The answer that makes Dan Quayle seem like John Kennedy. Where to begin? First off, her statements are racked with lies. There never were any trade missions from Alaska to Russia and Russia doesn’t ‘come over the airspace’ of Alaska. But most egregiously, how the fuck does living in a state that is in proximity to other countries give you foreign policy experience? One would typically define foreign policy experience as having been a part of diplomatic or trade related activities with other nations. Conversely, one would not define foreign policy experience as having lived near Canada and having to occasionally drive through the 51st state to attend a gun show or rodeo.

Runners Up In Idiocy:

Sarah Palin Doesn’t Understand Fruit Flies And/Or Science — And you thought Sarah Palin hated science before. It turns out that Palin hates all that ‘unnecessary government pork’ going to wasteful science projects, like, you know, curing the myriad diseases and conditions that plague this country:

“Where does a lot of that earmark money end up, anyway? […] You’ve heard about, um, these — some of these pet projects they really don’t make a whole lot of sense, and sometimes these dollars they go to projects having little or nothing to do with the public good. Things like fruit fly research in Paris, France. I kid you not!”

The FRENCH!! Are stealing! Our money! God knows those Frogs are probably just eating the flies instead of dissecting them or whatever else scienticians are supposed to do.

Sarah Palin Makes Speech At Solar Power Start-Up — “Drill Baby Drill” — In her second major policy speech, Palin made a speech on energy policy at an Ohio solar power company. How many times did she mention clean and renewable energy? Zero. But she did say ‘Drill Baby Drill’ a lot.

Independent Investigators Find Sarah Palin Guilty Of Gross Misuse of Power As Alaskan Governor — As we’ve all (painfully) learned, Sarah Palin is such a maverick because she shuns government funds, is a clean and honest Christian, and has been an awesome governor. Well it turns out she also loves abusing power to get ex-relatives unjustly fired. Oh, and she also loves redistributing government funds, as long as it ends up in her family’s pockets.

Sarah Palin Is A Strong Advocate For Abstinence-Only Sex Education; Has 17 Year Old Pregnant Daughter — While I wouldn’t necessarily fault Sarah Palin for her 17 year old daughter being pregnant, it is the height of hypocrisy to say your family is off-limits, only to carry your pregnant teenager around like a purse. Even odder is that Palin still clings to abstinence-only sex education policy, her own daughter becoming pregnant at a woefully young age.

After ‘Flirtatious’ Meeting With Sarah Palin, Pakistani President Has Fatwah Issued Against Him — This has less to do with Sarah Palin, but who else could cause a Fatwah across the globe against a head of state?