Hacks at The Daily Mail were reeling yesterday as it emerged that they had "run out of transgender people to demean and misrepresent" . A source from inside the News Room told us "It's awful. It looks like we've just used up all the trans people. We thought we could just go on abusing them forever, but we've ruined the lives of all of them now. There aren't any left at all".

As the crisis loomed, worried staff are said to have turned to their usually reliable stable of "columnists", a group of writers famed in journalistic circles for 'being able to write any old reactionary nonsense, for money'. But responses were disappointing. According to our source, one columnist said, "I can't help. I just can't think of any new ways to twist the facts or vindictively make stuff up any more".

The Mail refused to comment on the breaking story, with a spokesman only saying "We're not prepared to discuss this. How did you get this story? It's not in the public interest at all. Please get out of my office now."

In a written statement later it added "We are investigating information that this story has reached the public domain because our phones were hacked. We will be taking this up with our trusted colleagues at The Metropolitan Police, for whom we are buying a huge lunch at Le Gavroche later."

Meanwhile, a 'friend of the Mail' got in touch with us to say, "I've known the Mail for years, from when they were a broadsheet - long before they took the ridiculous and selfish decision to 'transition' into a "crappy tabloid". They used to be known as 'A Newspaper' back then. I think they look ridiculous and everyone laughs at them. They're not fooling anybody. And I mean, twenty years ago their kind of journalism didn't even exist. I've got some pictures. Do you want my bank account details?"

It remains unclear how the Mail will respond to this editorial disaster. Rumours are circulating that it may now be forced to fill the empty space with "some actual news", though it's understood Sub Editors with laptops full of pre prepared insulting headlines for use in trans stories are resisting this development. Said our source. "Dacre is really angry. But, actually, that's not that unusual".