“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater…The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that’s the key. It’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.” ―Sarah Dessen

Life went on, as it always does after a break up. I started looking into new apartment options because I did not think I could live with my sister and my mother anymore. Even after a week it was getting incredibly tense, so I soon found what I thought was a viable option about three miles away from my home. The guy was a bit weird though, but I didn’t think it would be that bad. He was a bit of a smoker too. His house smelled like cigarettes, but not horribly so like my sister was turning out house into back home.

Though, our mutual friends were still causing difficulties. I was so tired of people telling me that I should have died when I cut myself or that I was just an insane ex-girlfriend with no clue as to what happened. No one else was there; they didn’t see what I saw on a daily basis.

When Drake tried to get involved things just went from bad to worse in my mind. He txt messaged me one day, most likely on the behest of Milo, and told me that even though I had volunteered for Emberhalls in the past for several years now, because of what had happened between me and Shane I was no longer allowed to be involved with them. Drake was another long running friend of mine and I couldn’t believe he was taking Shane’s side. The man had pointed a gun at me and here I was getting kicked out of everything I loved doing because no one wanted me around.

Maybe they were right– I was just a waste of space apparently. I txted Shane right away, thinking that he was involved in getting me kicked out of the game, but he vehemently denied any involvement. In fact, he told me, when Drake asked him about it before, he told him not to do that to me. We were both adults. It had been a week at that point. We had both cooled down. I didn’t know if I believed Shane, but he forwarded a message he sent Drake and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I messaged Drake again, asking him to keep out of things because me and Shane had talked and we were both fine with being at game and seeing each other there. Drake said it was best for everyone involved that I did not attend though. I really felt like my friends were betraying me left and right. I finally relented, telling Drake that I felt like nothing anymore, so whatever, if people didn’t want me around I wouldn’t waste space. He told me that all my friends were there for me if I needed them. I could only laugh at that.

Lilah was there for me at least though. She asked me to go with her to get a new tattoo. Once I was there, she said she didn’t want to lose my friendship just because of what happened between me and Shane. I told her what everyone was saying, all the rumors and she agreed with my therapist. People who thought that the best way to deal with my cutting episode was to tell me I should have died were assholes. I didn’t need them in my life, or so she told me. We ate some dinner together and I felt better.

We talked about her own love life, some of the boys she’d been seeing and it felt like I actually had at least one friend in the world that I could still hang out with now. She wasn’t going to ostracize me over something that happened, as she put it, “I wasn’t there so it doesn’t concern me.”

After dinner, I got real quiet and asked her, “Lilah, if I asked you to do something would you do it?”

She nodded, not knowing where I was leading.

“Shane doesn’t want me in his life anymore,” I said. “Just, you know, take care of him or whatever. You’re one of his best friends and I just worry about him. I don’t know, be there for him, I guess.”

“I’ll be there for both of you.” She promised.

It was the best thing anyone could have said to me at that point.

There was another gathering to get through– a party that, when I asked, several people told me Shane was not going to attend. I felt safe in going then. He showed up though, dragged there to try to have fun by Felicia and her sister, Maria. We sat in uncomfortably around the living room, each of us trying to pretend we weren’t looking at the other. We hadn’t seen each other for nearly two weeks at that point and I still had no idea what to say.

I was angry. And hurt. And ashamed. So I kept my distance.

Later in the party, when I was a bit drunk and he had already left, I started talking to everyone. Telling them drunkenly that now everyone hated me because of what happened between me and Shane, so I was just going to get drunk and sleep it off– which may have taken another year or so.

Kevin Corneille, one of our friends who very rarely ventured into the gossiping circle of drama, asked me, “So did you kill him?”

“No.”

“And he didn’t kill you?”

“Nope. Still alive.”

“Then I don’t give a fuck.” He told me. It was a biggest heart-to-heart that I’d ever had with him but it woke me up. The drama that existed between me and Shane was absolutely nobody’s business, even though everyone seemed to be choosing sides. If either of us had killed the other, maybe it would have been different– but mostly, the people who were smart about it had finally declared that they didn’t give a flying fuck. “Besides, give it a few weeks, eventually someone else in our group will do something stupider and the rumors will start talking about that.”

So, after hearing that, I decided to do just that– I wasn’t going to sit around caring what anyone thought about anything anymore. I was going to turn my life around. I had already found a new apartment, I’d figured out who my real friends were and I decided right then and there that breakups were entirely silly things.

Every sci-fi show seemed to have that one character that doesn’t understand human emotions and as such everything seemed bizarre to them. When I woke up after this party, after thinking for a little bit about things, I felt like I were an alien child. And I looked at some of the drama going on in my life and in the lives of others and went, “What is the point of all this?” Because if you take away these silly human emotions, most of what we do seems bizarre and all too ridiculously human.

Breakups were silly. The stupidity, at least on my part because that was what was in my control, just needed to end.

Why did we do this?

Why did humans cry? Do androids dream of electronic sheep?

It suddenly just all seemed so mundane and pointless.

I forgave him in that moment. I forgave myself. I got on with the business of living my life.

Though, with the forgiveness came the need to talk to him again. I called him up one night, with my cellphone dying and we started talking for a little bit. It was small talk at first, but then the batteries in my phone started losing power.

“Please don’t hang up if my cellphone dies.” I pleaded with him. He agreed.

I spent the whole conversation pleading with him, promising that if he gave us some time things would be different. I apologized for everything that I could apologize for that night. He apologized for things like trusting me, or letting me into his life. There was no accountability for anything he had done up to that point. There never really would be. It was just a joke, he kept saying, he would never hurt me.

But he already had and I don’t think he even really understood how much.

He promised to always be there for me and now where was he? He was trying to save his own skin by denying everything that happened. It was all my miscommunication, all my insane anxiety that colored the events, he said. I finally just relented and agreed that maybe it was just my point of view and the fact that I was so shocked and scared when it happened. Maybe it really was all in my head.

He also said that he didn’t have anger issues. And that the whole problem with Easter was that I didn’t do holidays well and the gun just made me think of my father and thus my “daddy issues”.

I would accept the lie as long as he accepted me back into his life.

I was learning to live that way anyway. He said something and I jumped to agree just to keep the peace. It was the easiest way to go about things– the hell with the cognitive dissidence it would cause for me. I wanted what I wanted and that was all there was to that.

We agreed to continue therapy and meet back up in three months. Maybe we would be different people after that. Maybe the therapy would change us into the people that we hoped we were inside.

It didn’t take us more than another week before we were talking on the phone almost every night again. We missed each other. We actually decided to meet and talk things over. When we had that conversation at the diner, it was more of his denial and blame. Everything was all my fault. I would accept this and just deal. He didn’t want to see it yet, I told myself. Maybe he would in time.

At the diner, we were talking about the new soda fountain they’d put in at the Burger King across from our therapist. It was a magical drinking one that could make over 200 different sodas just by the press of a couple of buttons. Being in the mood for a spontaneous trip, we decided the hell with what had happened and drove out there just to go to that one particular Burger King. It was like old times.

Seeing as how we were now chatting and laughing like nothing had happened, I decided that night to broach some of the same subjects again. I wrote him the following letter, praying he would take some time to see my point of view now. We would talk more the next day, so maybe I would have time to get through to him before that.

I want you to know I took your advice tonight and asked a good friend of mine (who moved away in the great Virginia Exodus) for an outside opinion on the holiday thing (I didn’t say anything about you, just that I had a bad Easter for various reasons and was that a trend in my life). She replied, “Then why were you always the one over at my apartment for the past two years decorating for every holiday?” I had actually forgotten about that, but she brings up a good point– you should have seen what I did to her apartment for Thanksgiving in 2010. I cut out like a hundred little leaves and stuck them to the walls, and printed out some pictures from deviantart.com to make posters.. and then when she let me apartment sit that November, I made the whole place look like you were walking through an autumn park. It was kinda like with all the index cards.. I think I just like taping a hundred things to the walls of people’s places, it’s my thing. You should have seen the blisters on my hand from cutting out all those damn leaves.. it looked awesome though. I’m sorry I haven’t made the holidays that special for you, but I still maintain that we had a good Valentine’s Day (one of the best in years for me) together. I’m only telling you all of this because I think we should handle the ACTUAL problems and not divert our attention to things that aren’t real. You were getting on my nerves with Zoe on Halloween. And other than that (and my birthday.. because of the damn gambesin) did we have any other holidays together? I mostly spent them with Doris this year. I’m sorry I didn’t spend them with you, but we weren’t dating until mid-January and I felt strange going all the way down to Florida with just a friend.

And I wasn’t actually thinking of my father on Easter. The only holidays that remind me of the people I’ve lost are really Christmas (but even that was cool because I got to hang out with Doris and Tom and Rick) and Father’s Day. Also, my father’s birthday. Though last year on my father’s birthday I went over to the Witch’s Brew with Adam and the day was quite pleasant though kind of sad. I don’t really flip out because of these days though. I get depressed because that is my natural default. I don’t have enough energy when I’m depressed to go around picking fights with people. I usually just go sulk and disappear when I’m depressed, and you’ve seen me do this many times before. I go for long walks and disappear without anyone else around. That’s my default setting when I’m upset about something.

Also, about ICON, I didn’t go there looking for a fight. I said a LOT of stupid stuff BEFORE ICON, but it was like what you said when you were driving that night about wanting to go back to Florida– that’s just tough guy talk, not really real. Besides, that Saturday I saw my old crew and I actually hung out with several of them at room parties in the hotel that night. You didn’t see it, but we had a really good time catching up with each other and just hopping from one room party to another. The thing about Matt’s old group is that we talk shit about each other, but when we’re actually in a room together, it’s like old times. It’s really strange and a bit weird, but I think we all grew up with Hope and so we don’t fight with each other because it’s not what’s expected of us in that circle, we just don’t like each other very much, but we can hang out very well. Matt and Mike are just passive aggressive twits who would never really come out and tell me they don’t like me, and without either of them attacking me it’s very easy not to go on the offensive and just fall into old habits, because I do miss them.. I just think they’re jerks at the same time and sometimes thinking of them on fire makes me happy.. until I go back to missing my old crew again. Just tough guy talk. We’re actually really tame. I’m talking to most of them now too anyway. I can’t see myself being that cool with everyone Saturday night if I really went there looking for a fight.

I just think we need to focus on the actual problems instead of saying that they happened because it happened to be such-and-such day. Sadly, I think the actual problem is that we fight more often than not, and so some of those fights are going to fall on a holiday. At the rate we were going, we were having a fight per week, so there was a 1-in-7 chance of it happening during a holiday. Correlation does not imply causation.

Also, telling me what is going on in my own head is kind of condescending. I know that you think you can read people, but there’s a lot about me that you don’t know, so you don’t know what’s going into forming my own opinions on matters. This is really a big problem I have and I think it’s a big problem in our communication. If you can’t really, truly listen to my side of things and trust that I am telling you the truth of my motives and my own reasoning, then what do we really have? If you don’t trust me enough to know that I don’t go around purposely picking fights with you, then do you really know or trust me then? This is you treating me like a monster (you’re expecting me to be some bitch who’s just walking around looking for something to get mad at instead of actually having reasons for getting annoyed and it kind of lets both of our behavior off the hook way too easily and ignores the problems at hand). You told me not to make you into a monster and you basically are doing the same thing here that you didn’t want me to do to you and it hurts. And it’s also you basically dictating my opinions to me and telling me what thoughts I have in my head and that’s really kind of annoying. It’s impossible to communicate with someone if you go into the conversation thinking that you already know what they’re going to say or do. I am my own person with my own points of view and if you loved me you would allow me to have those own points of view AND talk to me about what you see AND listen to the clarification from my side. This is just SO BIG in terms of what I think we both need from each other, I don’t think I can stress it enough.

I also want to say that the way you just dismissed my point of view as not valid right away seemed kind of unfair, as did the way.. and I forget the way you actually said this, but it was along the lines of you didn’t want to hang out anymore if I didn’t see if your way. Maybe I misheard what I think I heard, cause I can’t even really remember the way you said it, so I don’t have much to go on here, but I REALLY hope that we can have honest discussions about things and you’ll listen to me without basically saying ‘well, if we can’t agree on this one minor thing than we shouldn’t be together’. There will probably be big things in the future that we disagree on, but if every time I say something you don’t like you’re walking out the door, then how much security can either of us really have in this? I see it as almost emotionally manipulative to say ‘well, fuck this’ every time we don’t see eye to eye. The only choice at that point would be to not live authentically and I can’t do that. I have to honor what is inside of me and my own emotions and feelings on matters. And I feel that this was a BIG reason why I never opened up fully to you, because when you tell me what I think or tell me what is going on in my own head, I feel like you still don’t want ME, and that you want the dream of me being the person that you want me to be. This is who I am, take me or leave me. You wanted a real relationship, and this goes along with that.

I wanted to say that you were right in your letter about me being a computer hog and me not helping you put away the groceries on Easter. I blame it on a killer headache, and also the fact that I mistakenly thought two people could handle bringing in the groceries by themselves. This was selfish and I accept my blame here.

I also think I heard you wrong when you came out with the gun, but I was in such a state of shock that I don’t think I processed what you said well enough to understand it. It was a very stupid thing to do. Never do it again. That’s all I’m going to say about that dead horse we keep beating on.

I apologize about the accusations I made. It wasn’t to hurt you. It was just the truth as I saw it at the time.

I’m also sorry that I didn’t talk to you like I said I was going to, but like I said, I was truly, very VERY scared, not because it was bringing up my daddy issues or whatever Adam said, or because I was thinking about him that day, but because I know firearm safety and have taken courses in it and that’s the FIRST rule you learn there. But anyway.. I couldn’t talk because I was scared, not because I didn’t want to. I tried to txt you but even that was disordered and kind of chaotic. What I’m getting at though, is that if you respect me and you want to show that you have empathy for what I’m feeling, you can’t start yelling at me on the middle of the sidewalk like you did just because you need to vent about things NOW. You need to show the other person in the relationship that you care about what they need. Instead of giving me time to cool down, like I seriously very much needed at that point, and which was very much needed in the situation, you wanted what you wanted and you wanted it NOW. In my opinion, relationships don’t work like that. It’s got to be much more give and take than that. I accept that you need to vent, but I also need things and I can’t be attending to your emotional needs when I’m taking care of my own. I would much rather like it in the future if you gave me time to cool off. If you need to vent, go call the therapist (it was a bad day for that, but on any other day she said we could call when we needed to), go write in your journal, write me an email or whatever.. but my point is there are a lot more ways to vent then there are ways for me to get the space that I need.

I also can’t talk to you when you are the way you were on the sidewalk. You were very abrasive and in my face, especially after something that was very traumatic in my own experience. We really need to remember to take the time to cool off or we’re just going to be running on pure emotion, and I don’t think either of us want that anymore. I really can’t handle the roller coaster anymore and I’m practicing in my own life to turn off my emotions for short periods, or at least to turn away from them and do something productive whenever they get to be too much for me. I can come back to the emotions at a later date when they are not so big and so controlling of my behavior. I think we both need to practice that, but just like that day in the diner when you said we should take five minutes away from the conversation, I think that was VERY good on your part and I applaud you for that. We need more of that. The only way we’re going to have logical conversations in the future is if we approach them with a level mind.

I’m going to try to call us out more on our illogical, emotion filled arguments and try to stop them before they get out of hand. I don’t think either of us really knows when to quit, but I also know in my own experience that I can’t be a doormat anymore. I don’t think you realize how often you get loud and in my face, and I don’t fault you for it, but I am definitely going to be pointing it out in the future. This isn’t to make you feel bad, because I know that change takes a long time, but it’s just to bring an awareness to it. Gentle reminders and things that bring our awareness to what we are doing are the only way we are going to make positive change.

But I will always come back and talk about things at a later date. For instance, I didn’t feel the conversation tonight was going very successfully at the end, so I ended the phone call instead of continue talking, but I regrouped and decided to approach from a different angle with an email instead so that I could get out all of what I wanted to say. This may not be rather large proof of what I’m saying and my own commitment to change and my commitment to communicate more, but I feel it’s a step in the right direction.

We both need to just work on our own issues and I think in time it’ll come to us. I think the space and distance from each other is definitely a good thing because we can change slowly, like all good change happens and not be on top of each other while we’re going through these changes. I know you’re working hard and I was looking up some information on Caregiver Stress Syndrome and it really does make sense from what I’ve seen of you. It’s even a cause of high blood pressure and anger issues (which I guess we were arguing the same thing but with different names, which is ironic and I think we probably do that a lot). I think most of all, we can’t use each other as a scapegoat for our issues though. We need to keep the focus on our own problems and stop blaming each other for them because that’s not fair to either of us because the other person isn’t to blame for our issues and also we need to face them without making up scapegoats in our mind for them. That goes for BOTH of us equally. I don’t know.. it just kind of annoyed me for a while that you said that all your fights with other people stemmed from me. Our emotions are not ours to control, not really, but our actions are up to us. Only in believing that we are in control of our actions (which in all truth, we are) will we ever step out from being a victim and change for the better. The world doesn’t do things to us, we do things to our world, which is a double edged sword, but at least it means we have the power to make the changes necessary.



I’m sorry for harping on your issues, I probably should just leave that up to your own therapy. I just wanted you to know that in the past I wasn’t using your personal stories to attack you but because they were examples of what I wanted to show you. For instance, like I said, I think you’ve been using me as a scapegoat for your moodiness, when there are stories of you acting this way going back as far as before you even knew I existed. It’s not fair to either of us (because I’m not going to take a whipping for something I didn’t do, and also because it doesn’t help you heal in the long run if you place the cause on someone else instead of looking at how you’re handling a situation). I never meant to hurt you by bringing these painful memories up, I just wanted to say that it was unfair to place the blame completely on me.

I don’t believe I’ve ever shared secrets with anyone. I’m usually very good with that. It comes from being in a dysfunctional household. There are a lot of secrets that I’ve grown up with that I’m going to take to my grave, and I think that’s where I got that from. Lisa was the one who volunteered a lot of information when I was talking to her at ICON about you. She was the one who started that conversation, when I asked if her ex was right about her moving back with him or if she wanted to stay with us at your house. But yeah, that’s where we got into that discussion.

Okay, it’s rather late again and I think I covered everything I wanted to talk about.. I just want you to know that I love you and no matter what you choose to do, I will always care about you. Like I said, I have therapy at 7:30 tomorrow, so it’ll end about 8:30 and I’ll drive over to your place by 9:00. I want to park somewhere else in the neighborhood and then if you could come out and walk me to your house that would make me feel safer. I don’t want anyone to see my car there in your driveway.

Let me know if this is still cool with you.

I want to end this letter on a positive note. Do you remember that night on the boat in Philadelphia, holding each other under the stars? Sarah McLachlan’s “Don’t Give Up On Us” was playing that night. It’s how I feel right now. Go and listen.

See you tomorrow/later today,

~Julie



He wrote back with this one:

Let me put this to the point as I see it.

The most important Question is

Is this person, unchanged, as they naturally are the person we want to be with? I know we both love & care about each other, but I simply feel that there are great pieces of each other’s personalities that we simply don’t like or respect. I also think that we can try to control those parts but never truly will be able to.

I started this letter very differently, & I am saving the original, but I thought this would be more effective.

I am disturbed by the ease at which we bash one another. I find your email to be very offensive. I find it condescending & passive aggressive.

I like who I am, & I am not willing to change. I will make adjustment because I care about you, I see you will try & do the same.

I have had a hard time not bashing you back, and as I wrote this I have edited it several times.

What do we want?

I want a peaceful, none drama filed life with someone who I can trust more than anyone else. I want someone who I can share anything with & they will always keep my confidence & will always have my back.

I don’t see that with you.

Can you honestly in your heart of hearts say you can give that to me?

He still didn’t want to see. He still wanted to focus on all the little things that had gone wrong up to that point. It hurt not being listened to– especially when I was taking all of the blame this time around. But we were both used to that by now. I took the blame so much of the time it was becoming ordinary. At first it was because it was his house and his rules, but it was beginning to be a habit with us. I was never going to be able to stand up for myself. I don’t think I minded much. I had dealt with so much worse in my own life.

We still met to talk at his house though. It was the first time I had been there since everything happened. The flashbacks hit me quite hard, but we both brushed it aside. What was going on in email was pushed to the background as we sat and drank wine and then watched Eternal Sunrise of the Spotless Mind. I wanted to watch it because it had been on my mind those few weeks– what memories would I erase if I could, which ones would I choose to keep.

After the movies, we lay on the futon together. He was crying softly on my shoulder, hugging me and begging me not to leave again. He suddenly didn’t care about the past; he just wanted me to be in his life again. We stayed there for a long while, holding onto each other until it was time for me to leave. I packed everything up and sadly departed for home.

Somehow, after the night of wine and movies I thought he might listen. We were fighting so hard to hold on now, talking on the phone, going to therapy (though he said it was to deal with the mess I had created in his life), agreeing to regular date nights, telling each other we loved each other– maybe the forgiveness and the accountability would show up eventually. I just had to give it time. He was catching on to it slowly. Once I was home, I tried yet again to communicate through email.

Shane,

I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you tonight. I miss you badly and I wish I hadn’t had to drive home. I can’t sleep, I keep thinking of you alone in bed without me. I know I’ll be with you in only twelve short hours but I want to be by your side, always.

I’m so glad we finally figured out that we’re crazy in love with each other. I don’t think we have anything keeping us apart anymore. All my doubts are gone, and I think all your doubts are gone as well. We can finally talk to each other and we know where the other person is coming from. Even if we have differences, we have so much love that I think if we’re committed to each other, we can withstand any storm. Hell, if we saw each other through this one and actually talked it out like adults (go us!) I think we can figure out anything else that might come our way. Nothing should ever come up as bad as that. I never want to betray your trust again.

Just remember that I fought for you. I said I would and I think I’ve proven that I love you. At least I hope so. In the past, you’ve done so much work to get us together and keep us together and I just feel like I’ve healed enough that I can fight for us now, like I should have been doing in the past right along side you. I want to stand by you, I want to fight by you… my idea of a great relationship was always kind of like two war buddies, fighting against the world, two people who have each other’s backs.

And I don’t care how stressed or busy I look, I want you to know that you can always come to me for help. You just need to verbalize it cause I don’t always know how to help you. My life and the stupid chaos of my family should never keep me from helping you. Give me a chance to prove that I can be a contributing member of this union. If there’s one thing I want you to know now it’s that you can ALWAYS come to me with a problem.

That, and of course, that I love you more than anything.

You are the love of my life, the reason I’ve made it this far and that I’m alive and happy today. You make the hours fly by and if there was anyone I would want to be stuck in an elevator with (I don’t know why, but that’s always been my test of how good of a friend a person is) it would be you because I certainly wouldn’t be bored. You make everything around you fun and it’s so good to have finally found someone that I can just be myself around and have a good time with and talk to for hours and do nothing with and who just by their being around makes the world light up with adventure and excitement. I want more adventures with you. I can’t wait to go to Pennsylvania with you, but like I said tonight, even if we were living under a park bench it would be the best life I could imagine because I would be with you.

Thank you for everything you do and have done for me in the past. Thank you for the movie tonight and for really getting what I was trying to show you and what I’ve been trying to tell you in these past few weeks. I don’t want to ever be erased, these memories mean so much to me that I can’t even really explain.

I’m so afraid you’ll leave again, now that I really want to show you how much you mean to me, but even if you walk out of my life tomorrow, I’m so grateful for what I’ve had with you and I’m so thankful that I think we made a better ending than what could have been. We’re like a phoenix– rising from the ashes.

Love you SO much!

He actually responded kindly this time, telling me that he loved me again.

I love this email so much I must response twice.

I wish I could reach through the computer & take you in my arms & press my lips to yours & enjoy your tender love. I love you so much! You have indeed fought for us, & you did, what so many can’t do, you took a long hard look at yourself from and outside perspective & made the changes you thought were necessary to make this work.

I believe I did the same, & that’s because I truly feel we love the other as much as we love ourselves.

I don’t want to seem condescending, because please believe me I see us as equals, I just wanted to compliment you & let you know how much I admire you and how proud I am of you.

I truly feel we have a great life ahead of us, & where of course were going to have our disagreements in the future, I just can’t see us ever fighting or hurting one another like we have in the past. We love each other & understanding of each others minds & hearts so much better now. I will NEVER leave you again, please don’t worry about that.

You are the love of my life, & my soul mate.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I will never forget this.

All my love

Shane

XO

So our ability to take some time to think about everything, the three months we were supposed to give each other, dwindled down to talking on the phone all the time, txting each other in between phone breaks and date nights several times a week.

He still didn’t want our friends to know anything. It was partly because they had gotten involved too much before, but I think it was also because he was a bit ashamed of telling anyone that he was seeing me again. He didn’t want everyone to know he went back on his word when he said he was done with me.

On the day when I moved into my new apartment, he was going to have a wrestling night at his house and get together with some of his friends to watch the pay-per-view. I told him my car broke down and said I was going to have to walk my stuff over to my apartment by hand because my mother was drunk and belligerent. He got in his car and drove over to me. He was very annoyed that I had pulled him away from his friends, but he still helped me load enough stuff in his car as we could and we drove off to my new apartment. I asked him if I could please come over for wrestling night too, but he said it was too soon. No one was supposed to know about us.

The first night I was in my new apartment, a shared room in this strange man’s house, was a bit scary. The house smelled like cigarettes again, and the guy who lived there kept talking to me about his bondage fetishes while telling me that my boyfriend was too old for me. I spent the whole night cleaning because there was a fine layer of ash all over everything in the common shared rooms. This wasn’t where I wanted to be– but Shane didn’t want me back yet.

Though, the next day, when we were talking on the phone, Shane asked me to come over his house. Up to that point, we had been meeting secretly. His tenant didn’t even know I was coming over weekly. Our names were listed in our phones as ‘Ann’ and ‘Bob’. It was all very hush-hush, but now he wanted me to come over in the middle of the day to see him. I hated my new apartment by that point, so I gladly packed as much as I could and drove over to his house. He promised I could stay over that night. I never actually went back to my apartment after that.

Our tenant said that she thought something was up when she noticed that Shane seemed happier. Then she heard our bed bouncing around upstairs and figured he must have moved on quick. We still didn’t tell her yet.

Instead, we decided to go out to Scranton, Pennsylvania and some place in New Jersey to look at some houses that Shane wanted to see. He was always changing his mind about what he wanted. The taxes on his house were getting too high, he was unsure about staying on Long Island, he claimed he wanted to go down to Florida every time things got too much for him to handle but Pennsylvania and New Jersey seemed like nice places too. I couldn’t believe that we were there looking at houses when only a few weeks earlier we had agreed never to speak to each other again.

It was a beautiful spring day, and we talked for hours. There was never a gap in conversation. It was like old times. We walked around the cobblestone streets of one of the neighborhoods, taking in the beauty all around us and realized that we were just destined to be in love forever no matter what. There was just no way around it. We were positively doomed.

His friends still didn’t know though.

The first person we told was Lisa. At that point I still hadn’t officially moved back in and after we told Lisa she seemed happy for the both of us. When Shane went into another room to go work on something though, she acted like she was the new matriarch of the house. She told me it probably wasn’t a good idea to move back in just yet and tried to set down some ground rules with me. I tried to resist rolling my eyes. We were going to do what we were going to do; she was just the tenant. I was kind of annoyed she attempted to pull some imagined rank on me like that, but let it go without saying a word.

No one from Emberhalls knew about us for a long time though. We made Lisa promise not to tell. Milo and Drake just wouldn’t understand– or so Shane told us. I was a bit annoyed by that. I also got pretty pissed off when he went off to game one weekend and left me alone in his house. I wasn’t allowed to go according to Drake, but he was so eager to leave me there to go hang out with his friends who had ostracized me and didn’t know I existed in his life anymore. I cleaned all signs of me out of his apartment and txted him to tell him that he didn’t have to worry, I was leaving and there was no sign I had ever been there, just like he wanted. Something still compelled me to stick around till he came home though.

He came home from game that weekend, hugged me tightly and thanked me for not running off again. He said he was sorry that he’d chosen his friends over me and that it would never happen again. He would tell them all next time he saw them. He was tired of running around incognito too, even though for a while it was kind of exciting.

Lilah was the next person who found out. I was on the computer in the living room upstairs. When she walked into the room, she did a double take. “Hi, Julie?”

I looked up from the computer with a sheepish grin, “Hello.”

“Julie’s… in your living room.” She said to Shane as he came up the stairs right behind her.

“Yes.” Shane said simply.

“Why is Julie in your living room?” Lilah’s smile beamed, as she began to figure it out. “Wait… Julie’s in your living room! You’ve been keeping this from me! Oh wow… Yay!”

We both smiled at each other, saying nothing.

Everyone else would figure it out in time.