Tony Trevisano was like a lot of New Yorkers visiting Chrislip for the first time. He was wowed by the lack of lights and the indifference of the people. Whenever Trevisano bumped into a pedestrian while walking up and down the streets of our quiet, Midwestern town, they apologized to him without even knowing who he was or who he’d killed.

“The Federal witness protection program set me and my family up real nice in Arizona, but it just wasn’t the same,” said the former boss of the Gambino crime family. “Watching MTV’s Jersey Shore reminds me of my crew back home. That bitch Snooki would make one hell of an enforcer. She’s like a cross between a drunken smurf and a tanned pit-bull.”

Against the wishes of the FBI, Chrislip Mayor Howard Presnell began marketing our fair city as a vacation destination for those in the Federal government’s witness protection program. For security reasons, families left behind by witnesses can’t visit them in their new or old home towns. So Mayor Presnell is flying them to Chrislip, where no one would look for them.

“I understand that we’re dealing with some pretty unsavory characters,” admitted the mayor. “But they’re not going to kill anyone with their mother present. Besides, I made the Mafia pinky-swear not to kill any one while they’re in Chrislip.”

This reporter pointed out to the mayor that recent cutbacks in the police department would make it nearly impossible to adequately protect our visitors. They would be sitting ducks while in Chrislip.

“Hey, if that happens, it’s a win-win,” said the mayor. “Now that we have the entire family in one place, it’s a perfect opportunity for a funeral.”