If life were a sitcom (and believe me, it is), the phone would only ring on your mom’s end when you need money. And it would only ring on your end when she needs help with her computer. All generational clichés aside, you really can’t blame ma or pa for not being able to keep up with the frenetic pace of technology—everyday, there’s a new worm or virus or web standard to be aware of.

It’s no wonder that by the time you show up for the holidays, their computer is sitting in the corner, unplugged and facing the wall in an attempt to stem the deluge of porn popups and debt consolidation ads that flows forth unbidden from the machine whenever someone bothers to wait 35 minutes for it to boot up.

The issue here is that parents, unlike you, don’t bother to tweak, clean and optimize their computers when they first get them, thereby nipping the malware, spyware, and ad-ware, etc. in the bud. Best Buy’s Geek Squad will do it for them for several hundred dollars, but it’ll only temporarily slow the Sunday afternoon voicemails from your dad saying:

“Hey Champ, hope you’re doing well. Listen, when you got a moment, can you give me a call? My computer says it has a virus, and I am wondering whether I should pay for this $500 online virus removal software or if I can just go with the $250/year online monitoring plan?”

…or a phone call from _______ relative (fill in the blank)

“Hey, what do you have going on Friday night? Want to come over for dinner?”

Your best bet: The next time you get a tech support call, be proactive and parent-proof your mom or dad’s computer. Here are some basic fixes that should get you started. No list is ever complete when it comes to tech support dinners… so if you see I missed one, please add it to the comments so I can include it in the article!

Step One – Install Microsoft Security Essentials

OEMs have this nasty habit of packaging new computers with free trials of overpriced anti-virus software that either expires unnoticed (except for the occasional nag screen) or scares your parents into sinking hundreds of dollars into military-grade security software for no reason. That’s not to say that they shouldn’t have some sort of virus protection. There’s just no reason to pay for it.

Your first step: Install Microsoft Security Essentials. It’s free, it’s effective and it’s easy to use and it keeps itself up-to-date with no intervention (internet connection required). Once you have MSE in place, you can remove that obnoxious expired trial of Norton Antivirus or McAfee Antivirus.

Next, install and run Malware Bytes, Ad-Aware or some other anti-malware software and clean out all that junk. It’ll likely accumulate all over again once you leave, but you can just run a sweep again next time you visit, or show them how to do it while you’re there.

Step Two – Install a New Browser

The web browser is the subway platform of the technology world. It’s the only way to get where you’re going, but if you don’t know the unwritten rules of engagement, it can be the most dangerous place in the world.

Don’t make eye contact with groups of young ruffians Never go with a hippie to a second location Never click on anything that appears in a pop-up or in flashing text (okay, only one of those applies to your browser, but you get the idea). These issues are made worse if your parents are using an old, outdated or insecure browser. They could still be using Internet Explorer 6 for all you know.

So, step one, educate your parents with the life lessons and Security tips I listed above. Step two, update Internet Explorer to the latest version. Granted, the latest version of IE isn’t perfect, but you’ll close numerous known and unknown security gaps if they’ve never updated IE.

You might also want to have them install a third-party browser. Google Chrome is very stable and less prone to malware than IE, but there is still the occasional site that doesn’t work perfectly well with Chrome. You might want to make your parent’s default browser Mozilla Firefox as a happy medium. Chances are, they won’t even notice that you changed anything, as long as you import all their bookmarks and favorites according to whatever haphazard system they use.

Step Three – Free Up Disk Space

You know what to do here—uninstall old programs, clear out temporary caches, delete duplicate files from messy photo uploads, etc. Sometimes all you have to do to banish those pesky “out of disk space” warnings is empty the recycle bin. You may also want to run CCleaner and defragment their system. However, if the situation is truly dire, buy them an external hard drive and show them how-to store their music and photos there since those are probably the files taking up the majority of space on their system.

Step Four – Update or Upgrade Windows

Windows Update is your friend, and it’s your mom’s friend, too. If they have an OS that doesn’t have Automatic Update (pre-Vista), then consider springing for a copy of Windows 7. There might be a slight learning curve while you acclimate them to the concept of desktop gadgets and the Start orb, but an investment in a more stable OS will prevent a number of security and compatibility issues down the road.

Step Five – Dust and Clean the PC and Install New Hardware Components

Your mom spent 18 (or more?) years picking up your dirty socks, so why not return the favor and clean out the innards of her PC tower? A good air dusting can lengthen the life of a PC, and while you have that case cracked open, you can do some simple upgrades. If they complain about sluggishness, add some RAM. If they are having trouble maintaining their WiFi signal, give them a better wireless card (and a matching router, if necessary). If they keep running out of disk space, add an internal hard drive. Make their lives better through hardware upgrades. Now days a trip to Fry’s will probably set ya back no more than a week’s worth of cappuccino, however that’s money well spent since it can help keep YOU off the PHONE!

Step Six – Give Them a Few Tutorials

Take some time to give your parents “the talk.” That is, a very basic Safe Computing 101 crash course. Show them how to bookmark their email inbox, create secure passwords and have their browsers auto-fill so they don’t have to write it down somewhere. Give them a list of dos and don’ts that may seem like common sense to you, but may not show up on their radars: “Don’t give personal/financial info over email, do run Windows Update, don’t click on ads, don’t forward me ANYTHING before checking Snopes.com.”

You may also want to give them a list of reputable sites where they can find solid information and shopping deals and show them how to identify shady websites (i.e. free-ipad-for-senior-citizens.info) and deceptive ads. If they are willing and able, switch them to Gmail and off those legacy AOL.com or Verizon.NET, Earthlink.com, NetZero etc.. that provide little to no AV/Malware scanning and will cut ya off if you ever drop the dial-up service…

You may also want to bookmark a few useful tutorials from a site like… groovyPost.com (sorry… shameless self promotion I know), or print off a set of instructions for common fixes. Put it in a well-organized binder if that works better for them. Make sure you organize your step-by-step tutorials by the problem, rather than the solution. For example, instead of titling it “How to Power Cycle Your Modem and Router,” call it “What to Do If Your Internet Stops Working.”

Step Seven – Bookmark Join.Me

Sometimes, you just have to be there to fix a problem. More often than not, a parent describing a technical issue over the phone is like listening to a fiancé give feedback on wedding decorations (“Yeah, I’m into the frilly white stuff with the hangy down things…”). It’s better if your mom or dad can just cede control to you via a remote assistance application, and there’s no better or easier solution than Join.Me, my favorite FREE remote assistance screen sharing and remote control APP (MAC/Windows).

Put a bookmark for Join.Me on their desktop, and the next time they call you for help, just have them launch it and read you back the code/URL. Then you can just do whatever fix for them on your own, as long as it’s a software issue. Just be sure to tell them their mouse might start moving once you take control or else they might think you’ve hooked up with some black magic cult who’s taken your soul in exchange for these new-found powers.

Step Eight – Backup their system

In this day and age, there really is no excuse for losing critical data. There are a million services out there that will not only keep your parents system fully backed up, but it will also provide version history on all files as well (just in case something is deleted or modified by accident). My personal favorites are Dropbox and Mozy however CrashPlan is also a good option as is SugarSync. Not only will Dropbox and SugarSync provide protection but they are also FREE for the first several gigs and support both MAC and Windows. Oh, and guess what, if you keep the password, you can restore the files for them right from the Dropbox / SugarSync website yourself thus eliminating the need to connect to their PC using join.me or walk them through it over the phone. Grab the files, email them back to them and done. Another satisfied customer! Oh and once again, your parents will think you’re a genius with black magic skills. They will of course be talking about this for years to come at their next bridge party.

Conclusion

The above eight steps should be enough to significantly reduce your time spent on the phone trying to cure your parent’s computer woes. Of course, there is much more you can do, but you get the idea. It’s all about patching, preventing and streamlining. Fix their existing problems, make it hard for them to access potentially harmful corners of the web and make it easy for them to access what they use most often so they don’t have to detour through The Narrows of Gotham City to get there.

If you have a lot of time on your hands, you may even want to completely back up their important stuff using something like Dropbox or Mozy, wipe their system clean and build it back up from scratch. For example, if your parents only use their computer for Facebook and email, you could feasibly install a lightweight version of Linux for them and populate their desktop with a few choice shortcuts. Or, if they use their computers for organizing digital photos, you could get them started with Windows Live Photo Gallery or Picasa. Do your best to optimize their computing experience around the things that they do often while downplaying or eliminating the elements that they never use and your mom or pop will have much fewer clashes with their computer which in the end… means less tech support dinners for you!