Oh reader, in this era we live in it seems nobody cares for the the immediacy, the unpredictability, nor even the joys of face to face conversation. With this in mind I decided to join the masses and try my hand at online dating.

And lo! It was today that I saw a woman whose picture was utterly breathtaking. The radiance of her skin aroused me from my ennui, and I knew that the grin in her picture was a calling card to me, inviting me to message her. I carefully composed, fingers shaking, the most artful of messages, something I knew may cause her legs to tremble and her heart to flutter with excitement.

What a treat it is, I thought to myself, that two souls have found each other in this way. This is a story I feel we’ll be recounting for years to come, she and I, to our smartly dressed grandchildren.

“Hey, cute pic”. I fire off, pleased with myself. I wait with bated breath for her response.

“Thanks” she says, and I can almost feel the playfulness through my screen. I can tell that in these messages we have already built a powerful repertoire.

“You’re beautiful” I tell her, treading the fine line between flattering and gushing. But when I read her reply, my stomach lurches and a sense of dread envelopes me…..

“Thanks! :)” I feel sick.

The arrogance, the nerve to accept my compliment makes my skin crawl uncomfortably. The beauty before me has morphed into something worse, something vain and narcissistic. I manage to compose myself long enough to send a reply. “Wow you’re kind of arrogant. And ugly anyway lol”.

I send her a quick photo of my penis and continue on my search for a soulmate.