OAKLAND, CA—Bragging that he had been committed to this far longer than all the front-runners, longtime Golden State Warriors fan Marcus McBain insisted to reporters Wednesday that he was an obnoxious asshole long before the team got good. “So many people act like hardcore Warriors fans just appeared when they started winning, but I’ve been dedicated to being a huge, annoying douchebag for over 20 years,” contended McBain, glowing with pride as he described the many long, thankless years he spent as a rude, abhorrent jerk before his favorite NBA team eventually found consistent success. “It takes real dedication to be loudly, obnoxiously obsessed with a team that isn’t even doing that well. It was tough back in the 2000s when they were pretty hopeless, but even then, I’d be there at games trying my best to scream at players, argue with the refs, and generally ruin the night of everyone around me. I’m proud to say I’m not some bandwagon asshole; I was always a fucking prick about the Warriors, I just get to enjoy it more now.” McBain went on to vow that he would always remain a die-hard irritating piece of shit no matter what setbacks the team might face in the future.

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