Location: Las Vegas Convention Centre, Las Vegas, Nevada, US

Date: 2017-06-30

00:34:37

Agent Zachary and Autoship are standing in the front row of a large auditorium with a semi-circular stage immediately in front. A female self-identified as Janey Goodwill is addressing the audience. Zachary turns to take in a panorama shot; there are approximately eight thousand people in the crowd.

Janey Goodwill: How are you all today?

Cheers from the audience.

Janey Goodwill: Are you making money today?

Cheers from the audience.

Autoship: This is amazing! I always (indistinct).

Janey Goodwill: Do you know why you're here today?

Many indistinct responses from the audience.

Janey Goodwill: You're here because you're winners. You're here because you're PryMaid's newest stars - and talking of stars –

The auditorium lights brighten and a large projection screen displays the words "Is The Sky The Limit? NO SIR!"

Janey Goodwill: A whole load of science tells us that we are born of stars and suns and galaxy dust. We come from the stars. Isn't that something?

Audience cheers and claps.

Janey Goodwill: Where do we come from?

Audience responds with shouts of "We come from the stars!"

Janey Goodwill: Everything, from the tiniest flea to the biggest whale, comes from the stars. There are so many exciting business opportunities right now!

Audience claps and cheers. The screen displays the phrase "All Life Is The Same."

Janey Goodwill: All life is the same. All life is the same. Our message goes out to everybody, and everybody and everything responds to that message. Everybody loves us. If they don’t, they just don’t know it yet.

Applause.

Janey Goodwill: Or… (lights dim) Maybe there are those who really don’t love us. They know about belonging, but they don't belong. They know about love, but they don't love. They. Don't. Love. Do you want someone like that in your life?

Audience boos and catcalls.

Janey Goodwill: Negative thinkers? Cut them out. Just cut them out. They don't exist. They don't exist. Doesn't matter if it's your husband, your wife, your daughter, your pastor - even Jesus Himself. They will try to drive a wedge between you and PryMaid – between you and everything you love, everything you belong to, and they will bring you down. They will bring you down.

Audience jeers and catcalls enthusiastically.

Janey Goodwill: It's so important to fill your life with positivity. Positive people, positive messages - because negativity grows like a cancer, like an old man's cancer that spreads from a photograph taken at a wedding reception when he didn't even know he had cancer, and it engulfs everything. The people in the photograph, the photograph itself, the photo frame, the mantelpiece it sat on, the arthritic pet dog that moved too slow to escape the metastasis as it overtook the room… And then the walls, the roof… The whole house… Eventually the whole world. Eventually the whole universe. All riddled with cancer. All bloating and blossoming and bubbling away. And then who knows where.

Lights dim. The screen displays the message, "Apostasis - Downlines - Eternity"

Janey Goodwill: Positivity is a living thing. And when you lose positivity, it dies. Goes to an awful place, a terrible place, and it dies. If I showed you that place - you would know. You would know how important it is to follow our path.



The screen displays the message, "V-SC LC B7-M988-T935-H537 Welcomes New Guests Helena Jeffers, Abeo Akintola and [REDACTED]"

Autoship: That's me! Why's my name up there? I don't -

Janey Goodwill: - want that negativity in my life. Do you?

Audience murmurs; words are indistinct.

Autoship: What does that mean? Why's my name up there?

Agent Zachary: Special recognition? Maybe (indistinct).

Autoship: No. I don't - no, this doesn't feel right. This - can we - I want to go home. I want to go home.

Janey Goodwil: Truth is, some are already there.

Autoship: I want to go home.

Janey Goodwill: You turn away from PryMaid and all bets are off. All bets are off.



Autoship: Three point one four one -

For the next ninety six hours Autoship accurately recites Pi to 300,000 places. Janey Goodwill continues to present to the audience (details lost due to noise interference from Autoship). Neither Autoship's behaviour nor the time taken is acknowledged by Goodwill, Zachary or any other attendees at any point. After ninety six hours Autoship's vocalisations cease abruptly.

Janey Goodwill: (audio recording becomes clearer) - but that's why you're here right now. You're here to be recognised. You're here for Recognition Day.

Applause.

Janey Goodwill: You'll recognise - and be recognised by - other Recognised Associates. Today, you and your descendant/ascendant genetic material contemporaries will be forever bonded with the PryMaid family. It's like carrying a photograph of your wife or husband in your wallet or purse, but it's with you all the time. It's kinda like a secret handshake… But don't just take my word for it… Because…

Audience hushes.

Janey Goodwill: Because…

Audience becomes silent.

Janey Goodwill: Because… I have three very very very special guests here right now… I think it's fair to say I idolise these amazing, caring, generous guys. I think you will too. Thing is, they're kinda shy. Can you do something for me?

Audience cheers.

Janey Goodwill: I need all cell phones, all cameras, all recording equipment turned off. No exceptions, no excuses. We'll know if you don't.

Noise as a large number of cell phones are switched off.

Janey Goodwill: Thank you all. Now if you've taken any analgesics today, prescribed or otherwise, please make your way to the back of the auditorium where a designated helper will be able to assist. No exceptions, no excuses. We'll know if you don't.

Noise as a number of the audience move to the back of the auditorium.

Janey Goodwill: Okay guys… Are you ready to meet them?

Lights in auditorium start to dim. Audience erupts into applause and cheers.

Janey Goodwill: I said (shouting) are you ready to meet them? They've come a long, long way to be with us here today. So please, please, please give it up for the Cherished Leaders! Come on, make some noise! Let them know you love them!

Audience responds rapturously, including Agent Zachary.

96:56:06 All lights in the auditorium switch off. Multiple spotlights switch on and "sweep" over the audience whilst the screen rises away; behind the screen are revealed three 9 meter tall SCP-4694-L instances facing out towards the audience. The audience cheers. Video is lost from this point.

Voiceover: And now, a personal message from the Cherished Leaders…

The following abridged file contains 68 seconds of audio. The full recording continues for a further 131 hours. At the 227:26:02 mark, Autoship can be heard pleading for two minutes. The remainder of the audio consists of prolonged vocalisations of distress over repeated bursts of sibilance.

The audience applaudes throughout.

The recording ends at the 368:21:44 mark.