Donald Trump is kind of like Robert from “Cat Person”; if you don’t text him back right away, he calls you a whore. Or, as with the scandalous breakup of his bromance with former chief strategist Steve Bannon, he issues a statement telling the whole world you’ve “lost [your] mind” and swiftly issues a cease-and-desist letter to command you to shut up. (And people sincerely worried that having a woman president would breed catty, temperamental leadership!)

It was already clear that Trump and company were the bitchiest co-workers in White House history—the firings! The leaks! The time Anthony Scaramucci accused Bannon of self-fellatio! But the nasty, salacious, and very public break between Trump and Bannon—one of the (if not the) chief architects of the president’s nationalist message and unlikely ascendancy to the White House—reveals Trump to be not just a touchy boss but the kind of crazy ex-boyfriend you wish you never swiped right on. (Just in case that wasn’t already clear from the time he criticized one of the more than a dozen women accusing him of sexual misconduct as not attractive enough for him to make a move on.)

Stand by and brace yourselves for the inevitable Twitter tirade; it’s sure to be a doozy. Trump has proved that if you cross him—or so much as speak ill of him—he goes berserk. Just look at how he treats political adversaries like Kirsten Gillibrand (to refresh: implying that she’d sleep with campaign donors), former friends like Mika Brzezinski (“bleeding badly from a facelift”), cabinet members like Jeff Sessions (“very weak” on “Hillary Clinton crimes”) and, uh, his own wife. In his much-talked-about forthcoming book Fire and Fury, journalist Michael Wolff reported that Trump boasted about luring his friends’ wives into bed, sometimes pulling a speakerphone trick straight out of Mean Girls. You can tell a lot about a person by their friends—or lack thereof.

As juicy a gift as all of this may be for the tabloid news machine, Trump’s crazy ex-boyfriend behavior is yet more proof that our cultural obsession with catfights is seriously misguided. Just imagine for a second if Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin were engaging in a public falling out à la Trump and Bannon: The backstabbing bitch narratives would flow like Pinot on a Real Housewives cruise. Meanwhile, real, egotistical (megalomaniacal?) drama is playing out among the men at the highest levels of our government. Note to Andy Cohen: It’s high time for a special spin-off: The Real Househusbands of the White House. The cast is all ready to go.