Cyclist in ‘not a prick’ shock

Experts have been amazed by the discovery of a cyclist who is not a colossal prick.

Mild-mannered Carlos Marreiros is respectful of other road users, observant of the Highway Code and doesn’t fly into a screaming rage if someone has the audacity to step out on a pedestrian crossing when he wants to speed through at thirty-odd miles an hour regardless of what light is showing.

“I don’t want to be a bother,” said Mr Marreiros, seemingly declaring war on a cycling community whose motto appears to be ‘Be a bother’.

The discovery has given rise to optimism that there may be other cyclists in the world who don’t feel the need to wear a full-body lycra condom just to pop down to the newsagent for packet of Monster Munch

But Julian Brown, a leading figure in the ‘I’m a cyclist, so everyone else can f**k off’ movement was quick to quash any hopes that other cyclists may be adopting Mr Marreiros’ approach to modern cycling.

“Not on my watch,” he shouted, seemingly incapable of moderating his voice.

“He’s clearly a soft-arse loser and if I see him trying any of that not-being-a-bother near me, he’s going arse over handlebar before you can say ‘Lance Armstrong’.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go and swear at some old people on the pavement then cycle down a country lane just near enough to the middle so that no one can get past and everyone in the county ends up in a traffic jam behind me.”

“You fuckers.”