ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Egg is on the face of everyone who’s ever laughed at evangelical parishioners today after scientists discovered that a weekend guitar solo at the Hillsong conference has caused the deadly coronavirus to flee the country.

The solo, which was said to make Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour look more like Xavier Rudd, melted the faces of a number of Hillsongers and let it be known to the corona that Australia – and God, doesn’t welcome it.

A security guard at the conference spoke briefly and in confidence to The Advocate about what he saw.

“People were dropping like flies and just fitting,” said one security guard who asked to remain anonymous.

“Like, I’ve done Hillsong before and you get those people speaking in tongues and whatnot but this was full-on,”

“You could only see the whites of their eyes. Their bodies twisted. Bucking and writhing. Screaming and thrashing. There was one bloke so possessed by that solo, he was smashing his forehead on the ground as hard as he could until his body switched him off for his own safety,”

“I’ve never seen anything like it. It was fucking terrifying. But they reckon that Crohn’s virus or whatever it is, isn’t in Australia anymore because of that solo,”

“Mate, what a load of shit. How the fuck can anybody believe this shit?”

The Advocate reached out to Hillsong for comment but only received an envelope of a suspicious powder in response.

More to come.



