EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump consoled an El Paso shooting victim Thursday while wolfing down a bowl of chili. “It’s really terrible what that hurricane or whatever did to your house,” said Trump, who quickly polished off the chili by lifting up the bowl and pouring the spicy beef stew straight into his mouth, pausing only to tear into a piece of cornbread. “That train crash or something sounded like it was really bad. At least you guys here in Cleveland have this great soup to get you through whatever happened. Could definitely use a little more sour cream. Anyway, congratulations.” At press time, Trump was informing the victim of the profound impact this chili had on him and that he would do everything in his power to ban wildfires or something or other.

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