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THE swapping of spits, mouth jousting and gymnastic contortion of tongues have been temporarily outlawed in Ireland as part of a raft of emergency Coronavirus laws aimed at, among other things, reducing the spread and flattening the curve.

Aside from much needed things like a temporary rent freeze and ban on evictions, the removal of the waiting period for Jobseeker payments for Covid-19 related cases and enforced isolation by authorities for infected people who refuse to quarantine, the legislation not only also bans the ‘washing machine’ technique for shifting but shifting itself.

“Shifting, meeting, tickling teeth, scoring, whatever the fuck young people are calling it. It stops now,” confirmed Min. for Health Simon Harris in the Dáil. “It should go without saying therefore ‘getting jiggy with it’, sex, butt trumpeting and slam-jamming hip-hopping show-stopping orgasm spasms are off the menu”.

Other emergency measures, protocols, orders and law changes include:

Price gouging on flat 7UP has, as of today, become a crime and carries a €10,000 fine and prison sentence. This should bring an end to bottles being sold for upwards of €350.

There is a homicide amnesty in place for those forced to spend increased time with family and/or housemates.

Moore Street market in Dublin will be forced to close its controversial wet market and the selling of its signature bat soup dish is banned.

An order not to feed Covid-19 patients after midnight is in place.

There is now a limit of only one Netflix documentary per household per night.

Welcome news for parents as sedating children to be allowed and when the technology is available, cryogenically freezing them until this is all over will be permitted.

While not declared illegal, anyone using the current Covid-19 situation to dump someone will be severely judged by everyone. Similarly, anyone thinking of proposing to their distant partner over Skype and recording it with the hope of gaining internet fame, will be shot.

Not yet law but strongly recommended; please remember to maintain a distance of over 500m from pricks you hate.

Gardaí are permitted to throw a sly dig at anyone who admits to having been to Cheltenham. Pepper spraying their testicles is not permitted but is encourage. Anyone still sharing blatantly false WhatsApp rumours will be sterilised to prevent any further degradation of the gene pool.

Anyone buying and hoarding toilet roll is required by law to justify their panic purchase by filming themselves with proof of their chronic, explosive diarrhea. Failure to do so will result in a 6 month prison sentence.