As reported recently in The New York Times, as part of a project to understand how the brain learns, biologists at University of Oxford, England ‘wrote’ memories into the brain cells of fruit flies, to make them think they had a ‘terrible experience’. The memory trace was written by shining light into the fruit flies’ brains and activating a special class of cells involved in learning. What follows is the actual ‘memory experience’ given to two fruit flies named Zeke and Georgie…

In a University of Oxford laboratory at 11:10 P.M., Zeke and Georgie fly around a semi-rotting banana, land, and enjoy a late night snack…

Zeke: Mmmmmm. Rotting banana! My favorite!

Georgie: Mine, too! We’re a couple of lucky guys, aren’t we, Zeke?

Zeke: Right you are, Georgie! Yum!

They dig in and eat their fill, then fly back to their little fruit fly beds and fall sound asleep, satiated and satisfied. Now the scientists inlay the memory trace. Zeke and Georgie then find themselves in the cockpit of a passenger jet as co-pilots, specifically Northwest Flight 188 bound for Minneapolis, Minnesota from San Diego, California.

Captain Zeke: You set the autopilot?

Captain Georgie: Yeah. Just a few minutes ago.

Captain Zeke [Checking over the instrument panel]: Okay. We’re trim. [After a while into the flight:] Ho-hum. Another flight, just sitting here.

Captain Georgie: Uh-huh. Plane does all the work.

Captain Zeke: Right. [They look at each other] You bring your laptop?

Captain Georgie: Yup. You?

Captain Zeke [Excitedly]: You betcha!

They pull out their laptops and log in. After a few minutes:

Captain Georgie: Fifty dollar Sit ‘n Go?

Captain Zeke: Got it! And… I’m in! Hurry up!

Captain Georgie: And… I’m in, too! [Excitedly:] We’re at the same table!

Captain Zeke [Very excitedly:]: Alright! Dude!

They high five each other.

Captain Georgie: I’m starting in the small blind, you’re in the big!

Captain Zeke: Cool!

Captain Georgie: Okay, okay! I’ve got Queen-Ten unsuited–

Captain Zeke: I’ve got garbage, a Three and a Five.

The table folds to Georgie.

Captain Georgie: Huh. Table folded to me. [Pauses] I’m all-in!

They laugh their heads off.

Captain Zeke: I’m waiting to build suspense… what’s he gonna do?… everybody’s wondering… and… folds!

They laugh some more. Several hands go by and then:

Captain Georgie: Zeke! I’ve got a King high spade flush and this guy’s betting into me!

Captain Zeke: Georgie! I folded the Ace of Spades already so you’ve got the nuts, buddy!

Captain Georgie: Ha-ha-ha-ha! This guy’s got no clue! Ha-ha-ha! Loser!! I’ll just check and… he raised me all-in!

‘Captains’ Zeke and Georgie laugh and laugh. Georgie calls the all-in and knocks the player out of the game.

Captain Georgie: Whoo-hoo!!! Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby!

They high five each other again. ‘Captains’ Zeke and Georgie hoot and holler and high five each other as they continue to knock players out of the game until there’s only four left…

Captain Zeke: Hey, Georgie? I don’t know where I stand here.

Captain Georgie: I folded a Nine of Clubs and Five of Hearts, man.

Captain Zeke: That doesn’t help me. Should I throw in a raise here or what? What do you think?

A message comes over the plane’s radio:

Radio: Flight 188, this is Cincinnati Control. What is your speed, heading, and altitude? Over.

Captain Georgie: Hm… he raised before the flop, right? And he’s out of position so he may have a solid pair–

Captain Zeke: Yeah, or Big Slick, y’think?

Captain Georgie: Yeah, for sure one or the other. So he’s hit his trips or he’s got his straight–

Captain Zeke: Or he’s still drawing to either with the river to–

Another message comes over the radio:

Radio: Flight 188, repeat, this is Cincinnati Control. Do you read? Confirm. What is your speed, heading, and altitude? Over.

Captain Georgie: Time, man. You gotta bet here. Find out what he’s got.

Captain Zeke: Yeah, you’re right. I’ll put in a continuation bet of three hundred. If he–

Captain Georgie: Wow. He didn’t hesitate to call you.

Captain Zeke: Shit. I still don’t know where I stand in this–

And yet another message comes over the radio:

Radio: Flight 188, this is Cincinnati Control–

Captain Zeke: Oh, for fuck’s sake!!! Turn that damn radio off! [Looks directly at the radio and yells:] I’m trying to concentrate here!!! [To Georgie:] It’s driving me crazy! What’s this guy got???

Georgie turns the radio off.

Captain Georgie: I dunno, man. You better show strength and bet. He’ll jump all over you if you show weakness now. Man, aren’t those air traffic controllers a pain in the ass sometimes?

Captain Zeke: I’ll say! Sometimes I just wanna– hey! A Queen! I hit my straight!!!

Captain Georgie: Beautiful! Reel him in, baby!

Captain Zeke: Okay, okay, I’ll just check here and then… he’s all-in! Sweet!!! Let’s see now… I’ll just… call!

Zeke’s straight beats his opponent’s three of a kind.

Captain Georgie: Beautiful! We’re in the money, buddy! Just three players left!

They high five each other again. After a few more hands…

Captain Zeke: Yeah, man, just keep folding to his raises and raising all-in when he folds. We’ll split all the blinds and antes and starve him right out of the game!!

Captain Georgie: Candy from a baby, man! Candy from a baby!

They laugh their heads off. A few hands later, the opponent goes all-in before the flop…

Captain Georgie: He’s down to six big blinds, Zeke. Y’think he’s making a stand here?

Captain Zeke: I’ve got King-Queen suited. You?

Captain Georgie: Pair of Tens.

Captain Zeke: I’ll fold. You call his all-in.

Captain Georgie does just that. The opponent reveals Ace high and is knocked out of the game. ‘Captains’ Zeke and Georgie are positively schoolgirl giddy.

Captain Georgie: We’re heads up!!!

Captain Zeke [Through their own giggling:] This is so great! I’ve got Eight-Seven suited. You? [Georgie doesn’t answer] Georgie, what’ve you got? [Again he doesn’t answer, but puts in a raise] What the hell are you doing, man???

Captain Georgie: We’re heads up! It’s each man for himself now.

Captain Zeke: Hey, I’m the pilot and you’re the co-pilot. You do what I tell you!

Captain Georgie [Raspberries him]: What are you gonna do, Zeke, report me to the F. A. A.? [He snickers] Time! Auto fold! I win the pot!

Captain Zeke: You dick! You’d do this for a lousy hundred and fifty bucks?

Captain Georgie: It’s poker, man. I’m all-in!

Captain Zeke: All what??? What the– [Zeke gets very flustered, though he has Ace-Eight]. Fine! Call! You fucking bastard!

Captain Georgie [Reveals Ace-Nine]: Gotcha covered. Heh-heh…

Captain Zeke: Shutup! Goddamn it!

Georgie outdraws Zeke and wins the tournament.

Captain Georgie [Laughing]: Oops. Too bad so sad.

Captain Zeke: You son of a bitch!!! I’m gonna fucking kill you, you little prick–

He slaps at ‘Captain’ Georgie, who slaps back at ‘Captain’ Zeke, and they continue this for a few seconds like they’re in a Three Stooges routine.

Captain Georgie: What’s the matter with you, man??? What was I supposed to do???

Captain Zeke: Play a gentleman’s game!!! We share our cards and let the deals handle the winning and losing! Asshole!

Captain Georgie: Asshole yourself! Gentleman’s game??? We’re colluding to win a lousy fifty dollar buy in Sit ‘n Go!!! You moron!!!

Captain Zeke: Fuck you!!!

Captain Georgie: No, fuck you!!!

They sit and stew for a few minutes. Then Zeke looks out the cockpit window.

Captain Georgie: Hey, isn’t that Lambeau Field down there?

Captain Zeke: Lambeau Field??? [He looks] Oh damn! We’re over Wisconsin!!!

Captain Georgie: Wisconsin???

Captain Zeke: What time is it? We’re supposed to have landed in Minneapolis half an hour ago!!!

Captain Georgie: Oh no!

Captain Zeke: Way to go, you fucking genius!

Captain Georgie: Me??? You’re the pilot!

Captain Zeke: Look, we’ll say we got lost in the… in the… pilot scheduling system or some crap like that. Okay?

Captain Georgie: Okay.

Captain Zeke: Fuck!! Let’s get this thing turned around!!

They turn the plane around.

Captain Georgie: We’re dead, Zeke! They’re going to squash us like we’re a couple of bugs!

The memory trace ‘nightmare’ then comes to an end for the two fruit flies. They ‘wake up’ and fly over to the semi-rotting banana for breakfast. As they start to eat…

Zeke: Hey, Georgie? You okay?

Georgie: No, man. I… I feel… horrible.

Zeke: Me, too. What happened?

Georgie: I dunno. I guess we… we just got carried away.

Zeke: Damn. We’re in a lot of trouble, you know.

Georgie: I know. [After a moment:] Hey, Zeke? You think they’ll revoke our pilot licenses?

Zeke: Yeah. I do. Oh God, we’ll never fly jets again!

Zeke and Georgie both cry.

Georgie: But… but… we’re fruit flies, aren’t we?

Zeke: Don’t get all existential on me now, Georgie. The F. A. A.’s already all over our asses about this.

Georgie: Okay. I’m sorry, Zeke.

Zeke: That’s okay, Georgie. Man, I’m so depressed.

Georgie: Me, too.

Zeke: You should never have raised me all-in like that. Now look at the trouble we’re in.