Great news: Have you longed for your credit card to say “Howdy Doody?” Have you ached to see “Turd Ferguson” in raised plastic?

You’re in luck, thanks to Mastercard’s new name policy.

In a show of support for people who identify as other people, the company now allows you to use a card displaying your “true name” as opposed to your “dead name.”

In doing so, Mastercard believes it will “ease a major pain point.” In fact, the iconic brand claims 32% of those who’ve whipped out a card sportin’ a name in conflict with their gender identity have reported a negative experience.

Why don’t those in pain just change their name? Otherwise, they’re going to keep running into problems. After all — their license, which is often used to verify the card isn’t stolen, will still show their “dead name.”

Has MC thought this through?

In promotion of the woke new style, here’s a video:

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As for using cards with a legal name, one alternate-lifestyle customer shared, “It puts me in a place where I feel like I’m in danger.”

That quote reminds me of a college chant during a Ben Shapiro speech. A sizable group of twenty-somethings was YearnShouting, “Safety! Safety! Safety!”

The whole name issue aside, we have a real problem, it seems to me. And that problem is a generation among which far too many seem to have the strength and sense of power of a pile of seaweed.

We’ve got a very weak future ahead of us.

And Howdy Doody has a future in purchasing expensive items via Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble’s favorite method: “Chaaarge IT!”

Those words may also be bellowed by a thief holding your card. Remember my question about your license showing a different name? Have no (or lots of) fear:

“Merchants cannot require ID if [a Mastercard] is signed. However, if the credit card is not signed, the merchant can ask you to show a government-issued ID and sign your credit card on the spot.”

What happened to the last 20 years or so’s outrage over identity theft?

Theft, schmeft — Mastercard’s got new priorities:

“We are allies of the LGBTQIA+ community, which means if we see a need or if this community is not being served in the most inclusive way, we want to be a force for change to help address and alleviate unnecessary pain points.”

So says Randall Tucker, the company’s Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer.

The Big M’s even put up a sign in NYC honoring various sexual identities:

This installation is a literal sign that everyone deserves to be accepted no matter what. #AcceptanceMatters pic.twitter.com/Nu8gHkBUaQ — NYC Human Rights (@NYCCHR) June 17, 2019

Personally, if I was a man identifying as a woman or a woman identifying as a man, the most important thing about my credit card would be the fact that no one else could use it.

For any of you concerned that Mastercard’s gone off the deep end in its radical coddling of customers, don’t worry: Like all creditors, it’ll still be siphoning the suckers to the tune of massive amounts of monthly interest. Howdy Doody’s gonna get fleeced.

#DaveRamsey

-ALEX

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