The Trump administration was roiled again this morning afternoon evening by a report that President Trump Michael Flynn Jeff Sessions Jared Kushner Paul Manafort Roger Stone some other white guy in a dark suit you didn’t even know about until now had multiple undisclosed contacts with Russia during the campaign failed to disclose that he was a foreign agent pressured the F.B.I. to shut down the Russia investigation something else you didn’t even know was a crime until now, according to a person with knowledge of the situation intelligence officials anyone who can put two and two together.

The administration has vowed to fight leaks, and potential sources inside and outside the administration could face prosecution late-night TV hosts mocking their name while prison time is at stake for an act of patriotic rebellion being retroactively named to the board of the Eric Trump Foundation.

The latest explosive report was verified by an administration official, who read it over the phone to a journalist two administration officials, who shared it in person with a journalist three administration officials, who, after making framed copies for everyone, cut it up into individual words, then used those words for a rousing game of Taboo with a journalist, who had a great time and will host the next one.

However, Sean Spicer Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kellyanne Conway new person you almost feel a little bad for refuted the report’s veracity. When presented with damning evidence a verbatim transcript Vladimir Putin himself confirming the allegations while twirling his new mustache and holding a violin case, [spokesman/spokeswoman] said it was “fake news” “an unproduced avant-garde play imagining the opposite of what really happened” “Putin’s attention-seeking and violin-playing body double.”

After President Trump posted a Twitter message at 3:42 a.m. 4:17 a.m. 5:08 a.m. that seemed to corroborate the report, [spokesman/spokeswoman] changed tack walked back the previous statement pretended he never said what he literally said on camera yesterday, arguing that what occurred was “wholly appropriate” “completely legal-ish” “clearly meant to have ironic air-quotes around most of the words, which changes their meaning into either a joke or an older definition of those words.”

An hour 30 minutes 14 seconds later, President Trump tweeted that the accusation was an attempt by the Democrats the liberal media his many enemies to cover up their embarrassment over losing an election they were supposed to win failing to predict his victory being losers.

The president then added, “Pthtckfefe” “Saddfefe” “Weekfefe”! (As the world mocked his misspelling, he enacted 43 new laws.)

A letter sent in December by Representative Elijah Cummings Senator Chuck Schumer Melania Trump to Vice President Mike Pence warning him of the allegations in the report was ignored thrown out folded into a paper airplane to entertain the president during intelligence briefings.

Senator Mitch McConnell Speaker Paul Ryan said that the report distracted from the president’s urgently needed agenda of cutting taxes for the rich slashing benefits for the non-rich golfing with the superrich.

[Person in trouble] is expected to invoke his Fifth Amendment right bargain for immunity wait for the next guy to get in even more trouble.