MAPLE GROVE, MN—Noting her obsessive desire for acquiring wealth and physical possessions, local sources confirmed Friday that materialistic single mother of three Jillian Ferguson is constantly thinking about money. “I really need next Friday’s paycheck today, or there’s no way I can get new clothes for the kids,” said the insatiable woman who is reportedly singularly focused on wanting more and more money to buy more things. “It’d be really nice to get a little overtime on my next shift; then I might be able to swing getting a few groceries and pay off some of the bills.” At press time, several reports indicated that the superficial mother was actually crying about her lack of material possessions.

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