WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly picked up his pace while walking home Tuesday as hundreds of whooping cranes began silently perching around him. “Stay calm, Scott, they’re just birds,” said Pruitt, fumbling for his house keys as flock after flock of the birds soundlessly alighted upon tree branches, fence posts, and rooftops along his route. “Oh fuck, what do they want? Okay, don’t make eye contact. Just keep walking. Keep going. Shit, shit, shit!” Sources later confirmed that Pruitt sprinted the rest of the way home only to find a dozen more of the birds quietly waiting for him in his living room.

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