Do you hear that? I think I hear time itself stop….

… Oops. My bad. It’s the front door.

D A D D Y’ S H O M E ! ! ! !

Here he is – the man of the hour – swanning in through the front door with his nonchalant swagger (and rugged good-looks), full of pride and joy watching his little mini-me’s race each other up the hallway to see who can get a hug from him first.

Hey guys, don’t mind me.

Yes, I’m talking about you, Daddy. Daddy wearing the tired but contented look of a man who has worked the day away in a safe little office. Perfectly protected from biting babies and defiant Threenagers. Deaf to the incessant questions of the curious kindergartener. Superbly shielded from the snotty smears, the tearful tantrums, the mind-bending negotiations [and brain explosions] that have taken place in our home for the past ummm… let me see… T E N H O U R S.

But Daddy’s home. Three cheers for him.

via GIPHY

You totally deserve ALL the adulation of our kids. You deserve to open up that front door and with merely the sound of your house key, flick a magical switch (which I can’t seem to locate) that instantly turns our kids into ‘perfect-child-mode’. You deserve to see them bursting up the hallway, jumping out of their skin in excitement as you walk in, screaming ‘Daddy’s Home’ as if I hadn’t noticed. As if the long reign of tyranny from Yours Truly has finally come to an end and they are now safe and F R E E in your arms.

Don’t mind me. Can I get you a beer?

LISTEN: We talk to Lehmo about life as a new dad. Post continues after audio…

Clearly, Daddy, you da top dog in this household – with a capital D. But enjoy the fame and glory while it lasts ‘cos it’s as fickle in here as a Real Housewives Reunion Special and I’m watching, waiting, willing your bubble to burst. Why? Not because I don’t love you. Not because you aren’t the best Daddy I know. But because at this time of night I’m a bitter and twisted itch with a capital B. And frankly my dear, it’s just not fair.

Let’s examine the kids’ definition of us as evidenced by their behaviour:

Mummy : a villain who says ‘no’ to everything fun and makes us eat broccoli

Daddy: a tirelessly hardworking hero who turns up just in the knick of time every night to ‘save the day’ and rescue us from Mummy’s evil clutches.