TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Multiple eyewitnesses have reported that Sgt. Maj. Shawn DeWitt, a divorced 37 year-old with two children, grew visibly upset at the sight of another adult male without a hat on earlier this morning.

The Marine on the receiving end of the sergeant major’s wrath was Cpl. Daniel Vincent. Vincent, whose job is to kill people, had stepped outside of his company office to take a phone call from his pregnant wife. Because he was only going to be a few feet from the door, he didn’t bother putting his hat on.

DeWitt, whose salary of nearly $80,000 is paid for by American taxpayers, proceeded to scream that it would “behoovumst” Vincent to go back inside and retrieve his hat immediately. As the senior enlisted man in a battalion of roughly 800 Marines, DeWitt considered this interaction to be vital in the fulfillment of his duties.

Vincent, who is entrusted with the lives of three other Marines in combat, was also tongue-lashed because the rubber bands that hold his pant legs closed around his boots were too low.