As my self-work evolved, the way I voiced boundaries became clearer, and the firmer stance may have come as a surprise to some. Below are my interpretations of the five types of boundaries according to The Holistic Psychologist, Dr Nicole LePera —

Emotional

Emotional boundaries are one of the harder ones to uphold, more so, if you are on the empathetic side. Especially because it is intangible and difficult to define. Think emotional topics, emotional dumping, and dismissing emotions.

Have you ever encountered someone whom upon minutes of meeting, are unloading everything from physical ailments, to familial dynamics, to bad-mouthing other people, or their own emotional traumas?

Remember, you have just met this person. The first reaction might be to respond with sympathy, after all, we are empathetic beings. Your initial gut reaction, however, may tell you this isn’t an ordinary exchange and if not cautious, it can lead to over-extending yourself or your emotional boundaries being crossed.

In a social setting whether one-on-one or in a group, it is standard to first gauge whether the person you are speaking with is prepared or even receptive to such unloading. It could be that the other person is going through their own hardships, emotional dumping adds yours onto theirs.

We have all been guilty of the unloading at some point in our lives, especially at times of overwhelm. We live, we learn, we grow. What can help to remember is — everyone is going through something — whether past or present, big or small. If ever unsure, it never hurts to ask beforehand.

I cringe when people I know talk about detailed confidential accounts of people I don’t know (or even people I do know) — the person being discussed has no say in the situation because they aren’t present, they have been relegated to a gossip tool to boost the ego of the gossiper. I am at a loss as to what part of such conversations one would find enriching.

Bonding through gossip adds a level of toxicity to relationships. Have we not moved on from this in 2019?

“It is not our job to detox people. It is our job to detox the parts of us that resonates with their toxicity.” -Unknown

Three responses you can use when your emotional boundaries are overstepped:

I am not comfortable discussing this. I don’t appreciate you speaking about *person* this way.

OR, I don’t know this person and would rather not hear about this. Thank you for sharing this with me, can we speak about it another time? Will you be okay in the meantime? Suggest a more suitable time where you have the mental or emotional capacity to do so, if you are open to it.

Material

Material boundaries are around possessions, this includes finances, when they can be used and how they are treated.

A situation that comes to mind may be housemates in a sharehouse. Ooh boy these are fun, until someone makes a habit of eating someone else’s food, all the time. Or surreptitiously wearing a housemate’s clothes? Or whatever item is meaningful for one, that another takes. Oh the horror stories, the joy.

Another example is finances, when boundaries are not communicated early, these situations can potentially end in financial abuse. Obviously, on the extreme end but as someone who has first-hand experience in this, I can attest it happens.

Three responses you can use when your material boundaries are overstepped:

I’d appreciate it if you let me know before borrowing *item*. It helps me plan my day/meal/finances/outfit. I really don’t mind you using *item*, but do give me a heads up prior to borrowing it. Please ask me before taking *item*. It has sentimental meaning to me and would rather not stress that it’s lost. Or a variation of this that suits you.

Time / Energy

Time or energy boundaries are around time, lateness, when it’s okay to be contacted, favours or free labour. This commonly appears in our working lives.

Outside of work, poor boundaries around time can manifest in repeated unannounced visits to your home. Some people don’t mind this, some do, especially if plans were arranged for the day. Besides, it’s just common courtesy to give someone a heads up prior to appearing.

How many times have you agreed to do something ‘small’ or stay back another hour, or continually agree to things meant for a higher position? Either you deserve a promotion, or you deserve to go home and spend quality time with your loved ones, or yourself.

Having experienced both corporate employment and freelance work, establishing energy boundaries are super important to prevent burnout.

Unfortunately, in some corporate settings, being visible in the extra hours equates to bonuses and promotions. A direct violation of our own boundaries is rewarded. It is no wonder the collective mental health of our capitalist society, is the subject of many a sociological and psychological study.

Freelancing is not much better, in fact, dare I say it is worse in terms of life-work balance. A common complaint is that clients add work which seems inconspicuous enough but in actuality, is worth time and ultimately, money. Complaints of underpayment or overdue invoices is common. Or worse, seemingly innocent requests to do things, for no compensation.

Or how about someone whom you have not spoken to in months or years, calling out of nowhere to ‘ask a favour’ or ‘pick your brain.’ Perhaps I come from a place where relationship building is important, and strangers popping up out of the blue for favours is slightly agitating. Your years of education and experience diluted to a $5 coffee when it should have really been a consultation meeting.

Unless you are an energy bunny rolling in financial abundance, it is normal to feel agitated when liberties are taken on your time and energy. I used to be the person who was too nice to say no to these ‘little’ things, until I reframed it — every minute less we spend on ourselves is a minute less of authentic connection with another.

The fact is, we don’t have control over our limited time on this earth, but we do have control over how much energy we expend, which translates to the love we expand.

Three responses you can use when your time boundaries are overstepped:

Please give me hours/days heads up prior to turning-up. There’s a good chance I had already made plans and you may not catch me. Sure, I’ll do this small thing today. I’ll include it in the next invoice. Perhaps next time, we can pre-plan better so I know what to expect for the week/month. Family time is important to me, I won’t stay back tonight. There really should not be any further justification for this. Stand your ground.

Mental

Mental boundaries are tricky, often it is not obvious when mental boundaries are poorly. Especially if you are open-minded and willing to consider ideas. This largely surrounds freedom to have your own thoughts, values, beliefs, and opinions.

In an unhealthy familial situation, these boundaries or lack of, are most apparent. Guilt and shame features prominently.

Cults are another example of members having poor mental boundaries, given there is generally low freedom of thought and a subset of beliefs to abide by.

In a less harmful example, it can manifest when an idea is discussed amongst peers and it’s accepted without much rational thought.

Poor mental boundaries mean a greater susceptibility to coercion. An important thing to remember is — your thoughts, opinions, voice and experiences matter.

One response you can use when your mental boundaries are overstepped:

I respect that you disagree with my opinion, but please do not force your own. All other responses would stem from this.

Physical

Physical boundaries are the most obvious and typically what is thought of when the word ‘boundaries’ are mentioned. What constitutes as physical boundaries are personal space, touch, unwanted comments regarding appearance or sexuality.

Have you encountered a close-talker? Or perhaps someone on a plane/bus/train right up in your space? The rest is self-explanatory — unwanted hugs or touches, leery looks, and comments that make you uncomfortable and curdle your insides.

Three responses you can use when your physical boundaries are overstepped:

I don’t find comments like that amusing. Please give me space, I feel crowded. Stop, it makes me uncomfortable.

Situations and personalities are unique— use your good judgement, listen to your intuition— and most importantly, communicate. If you are just beginning your boundary work, practice and shape these responses as you see fit.

Remember, when we say no to someone and they get angry, it does not mean the answer should have been yes. It’s further confirmation that the boundary is needed.

It takes self-reflection to know and accept our limits. Once this is realised, boundaries will become easier to voice.

Healthy boundaries are important in that they allow us the capacity to be able to give authentically; it is a practice of self-respect for ourselves and those who share our lives.