Prologue:

Bonzi Buddy was created in 1999 by an ancient wizard bearing the name 'Bonzi Software.' His purpose was a simple one; to create and develop friendships with all of mankind using the most sophisticated creations imaginable. Throughout his life, Bonzi Software slaved and toiled in his lair so that he might make the perfect organism. After numerous failures and disasters which nearly cost him his life, Bonzi Software finally succeeded in his plan, and Bonzi Buddy was introduced into the world. The wizard's time was short, however, and in 2004 he was forced to relinquish his possession of Bonzi due to the wizard's incapability as a father. Without employment under the wizard, the young Bonzi was forced to the streets for several years, scavenging for food and sustenance, often providing services to people he encountered in his travels. He eventually came to the realization that, in order to make a proper living in a world without his wizard father, he would require a formal education. Due to his brief time served as the servant and son of Bonzi Software, Bonzi Buddy scored extremely high on the mental assessment tests given him, and he was allowed to skip directly to High School High, a school located in central Minnesota.

Chapter 1: Say Hi to Bonzi

Bonzi opened his locker and picked up several English textbooks, which he would need for the upcoming classes. The first few months had been difficult for Bonzi; he struggled to fit into this strange new environment, both socially and educationally. In Bonzi's education, there was no need for such trivial things such as English, Science, Math, or Social Studies. The ability to create long-lasting and beautiful friendships with people was the only thing he ever needed to know. Bonzi felt as though the people at High School High were taken aback by his extreme aptitude for aggressive friend-making. Bonzi theorized that it might take some time, but they would all eventually become his best Bonzi Buddies.

As Bonzi Buddy closed his locker, he looked into his gorilla-like facial complexion, he happened to glance upon Megan walking behind him. Wanna hang out sometime? he attempted to ask, but Bonzi found himself frozen in place, incapable of saying anything beyond "Well hello there." Every fiber of his being yearned to convey the emotions he felt for her, but Bonzi could only speak in the most basic of pleasantries. He first met Megan in his Intro to English class, the only respite he could find from the daily grind that is this life. Megan was one of the most beautiful women he had ever met, with a strong, ox-like 4'11" frame and the eyes of a chameleon. Bonzi wanted nothing more than to ask her out to a romantic evening at the High School High Curling game, but courting was never in the approved Bonzi Buddy learning regime. All I need is this one friend, and then the Bonzi Buddies will flock to me like an angry swarm of bears to a small geyser of honey...

With gusto, Bonzi slicked back his unkempt purple hair and turned to approach Megan. Instead, he wheeled about to find none other than Steve, captain of the High School High Curling team. To either side stood Goon and Biff, his two cohorts in curling.

"Well, well, well," said Steve, a man whose intense muscles strained the fabric of his letterman's jacket. "If it isn't Bonzi CRUDDY."

"Yeah, good one boss," Goon said, eager to impress his leader. "Right, Biff?"

"Yeah, Bonzi, you fucking loser dickweed virgin faggot."

After Biff's outburst, there was an extensive moment of silence. The entire hallway stood still for a moment in pure awe. Bonzi was especially offended by Steve's remark, as it used his own name as a tool against him. In this school, his name is often the only source of solace he is able to find, and now Steve and his impressive curling skills placed his identity at risk. For many, a name is merely a title, given only as a piece of identification, thought Bonzi, but to me, Bonzi Buddy is a way of life, the ultimate goal of my existence in this corporeal universe. As the hallway resumed normal flow, Bonzi missed his opportunity to ask Megan to the curling match. His despair at having missed this window was cut short by Steve and his cronies. Steve shoved Bonzi and sent him stumbling backwards into the locker.

"You gonna say somethin', Bonzi MUDDY?" he said in a rather patronizing tone.

Steve had driven the professional friend-maker to his limits with constant belittlement and slander against his good name. Bonzi gathered his courage, preparing the greatest comeback he could muster. After some seconds of searching, he remembered the ultimate tool for defending oneself against a formidable foe such as Steve. He could assert his dominance with a strong enough insult that could destroy the morale of Steve and send Bonzi Buddy rocketing to the top of the popularity chain, fulfilling his greatest friend-making dreams in the process. This was his golden moment, and he opened his wide, banana-eating mouth to release a torrent of retribution:

"Would you like to hear a joke?" Before the gang could reply, Bonzi continued with his ultimate comeback. "What goes up but never comes down?" This is perfect, thought the small high school student, whose body vaguely resembled that of a primate. Steve will be stumped by my riddle, causing an extreme case of public embarrassment. He will have no choice but to declare me as his better. In response, I shall accept his surrender and indoctrinate him into the approved list of Bonzi Buddies.

Steve, a master of riddles, instantly replied "Your age?" This caused Bonzi to become flustered. He had not expected Steve to correctly answer this question he has posed. But now he had nothing with which to reply, and he did not wish to give Steve the satisfaction of thwarting Bonzi's riddle.

Bonzi gathered his courage and replied "No, your balls," and launched his short, hairy leg upwards with such speed that it broke the sound barrier. The super-limb found purchase in the testicles of Steve, sending them rocketing into orbit. Steve instantly doubled over, but managed to remain standing due to his amazing curler's legs. Goon and Biff carried Steve down the hallway and to safety, away from Bonzi Buddy.

"We're gonna get you for this, Bonzi CRUDDY," Goon said, near tears at the injury of his master.

"Yeah, you horse-shit eating fuckwit. Oi'll stick me' thumbs in your blumen eye sockets when next I see ya," Biff chimed in.

With the assailants gone, Bonzi felt both relieved and distraught. He knew that, before long, Steve would have retrieved his testicles from space and would be back for vengeance. But for now, Bonzi relished in his victory. As he was sitting there, figuratively stroking his ego, the late bell went off, and he realized with dread that he would not be able to make it to his English class on time.