I Want to Apologize for How This Tragedy Has Hurt Our Stock Price

The recent fire at our company’s factory in New Mexico was a truly horrific accident. It has been an upsetting time for all of us, so as CEO I want to take it upon myself to apologize to our shareholders who have been harmed by this incident.

I am very sorry for the tragic loss of hundreds of lives that has decreased the valuation of our company’s stock. I want to express my condolences to the families of the victims, but more so to our thousands of shareholders, who, too, are struggling to process this unexpected turn of events and the impact it is having on our company’s share price.

As soon as I heard the news about our factory, I immediately initiated a detailed review of the incident. It appears that, due to necessary cost-cutting measures, all heating and cooling systems in the factory were removed and sold to increase our profit margins (and thus boost the value of our shares). A small newspaper fire to prevent hypothermia during the night quickly raged out of control. The managers, dedicated first and foremost to improving our company’s share price, were unwilling to unlock the doors, and all employees in the building were consumed by the fire.

After reviewing the situation, I have concluded that the actions taken were firmly within the boundaries of company protocol. I am sorry to our shareholders that I had to devote company resources to analyzing what was ultimately nothing out of the ordinary. I hope this thorough review will restore confidence in our company and reinvigorate our share value.

It’s never too late to do the right thing, so I will do everything in my power to ensure that this does not happen again. Starting June 1, we will double the number of people on our PR team to ensure that future incidents are not leaked to the public. More importantly, factory-line worker pay will be docked across all of our plants. This decisive move will not only send a clear message to our workers that harming share prices is unacceptable, but it will also further lower labor costs and thus increase both our profit margin and our share value.

Our company will also generously donate $500 to the people of Ochales, New Mexico, where our burned-down factory is located. These people, like our shareholders, have been deeply affected by this incident. The more quickly they can recover from this tragedy, the quicker our share prices will rebound. And while we know that no actions can fully heal the pain suffered by our shareholders, we will initiate a $100 million share buyback program to compensate for their loss. Our shareholders can also rest assured knowing that the donation will be written off on our taxes, as will the capital loss from the destruction of the factory.

Many of us are feeling outrage, anger, or disappointment at this tragic, unavoidable loss of lives. I share these sentiments, knowing that we let down our shareholders. I am sorry that we will have to spend much of our time helping our share prices recover from this unfortunate turn of events.

I think we can all agree that nobody is to blame for this tragedy, and that we would all be best served by forgetting it as quickly as possible. For having to write this message, and for making our shareholders suffer, I am truly sorry.