PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back. “Well, that was a colossal waste of my time,” said Obama with an air of weary irritation before reminding the audience she had been 45 years old at her husband’s inauguration and now she was “fifty-fucking-two.” “You know, looking back on all of it, I’m not sure there was a single worthwhile moment from the past eight years of my life. Nearly a decade down the drain. Jesus. Whatever, it’s almost over.” The first lady then reportedly squinted at the prepared statement scrolling on the teleprompter in front of her, let out a fed-up sigh while slowly shaking her head, and walked silently offstage.

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