This is about fucking casually, but if you’ve been around the internets you will be familiar with the above pejorative as it is applied by elites (originally gamers) to lackluster practitioners. What I mean to point out here is those lackluster casual fuckers who just can’t treat casual fucking properly casually, because they demand it be so.

The problem with the common practice of and language around ‘casual’ sex: too many replace casual with shallow. Shallow certainly is one type of being casual in relationships, but what intimacy can really be with the lack of any care?

One view states that sex with another person is simply mutual masturbation — that these things being equal you needn’t burden the act with the requirement for or expectation of any other ‘feelings’ or ‘entanglements.’ Fair enough, but how is it that proponents of such are not out servicing the repugnant among us? A cheeto-stained hand can jiggle your genitals just as well as any! A mouth spewing the most hateful epithets has just as nimble a tongue when it is muffled downstairs.

If anything the unattractive among us are more likely — through desperation — to fulfill the “giving, game” requirements of Dan Savage’s sagacious “GGG,” and even should they lack in the “good” department they shall surely improve that quickly through enthusiasm and gratitude! For the sex-crazed and unserviced among us (Hello!) These would certainly be more accessible than the partner of our dreams.

But that’s not it. Attraction is involved. Personally I possess very low barriers to having sex with someone, both physically (what’s 50 kg extra! And I find your hairy chest intriguing ma’am! I rather enjoy your piquant aroma as well!) and intellectually (well yes, One Direction was a popular band… and that one about you engineering your brother’s divorce sure split my sides!) but there will need to be at the base of it all a desire to give this person all the goods I’ve got. I will have to get twisted up into a sufficient tizzy to want to open the package they present, and so will you!

Nearly anyone who amasses a number of experiences creating new relationships will eventually encounter the ultimative proposition: ‘just’ casual.

Well, excuse me, but what the fuck does that mean? It actually sounds like a rather serious constraint. Paradoxically this makes a strong commitment on the nature of the space between us, and imperates that the nature of these grounds be solid and permanent — the paradox is that setting ‘casual’ in stone is not a very free and easy way to treat your partners.

Full Definition of CASUAL http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/casual

1: subject to, resulting from, or occurring by chance <a casual meeting>

subject to, resulting from, or occurring by chance <a casual meeting> 2a : occurring without regularity : occasional <casual employment> b : employed for irregular periods <a casual worker> c : met with on occasion and known only superficially <a casual friend>

occurring without regularity occasional <casual employment> employed for irregular periods <a casual worker> met with on occasion and known only superficially <a casual friend> 3a (1) : feeling or showing little concern : nonchalant <a casual approach to cooking> (2) : lacking a high degree of interest or devotion <casual sports fans> <casual readers> (3) : done without serious intent or commitment <casual sex>b (1) : informal, natural <a casual conversation> (2) : designed for informal use <casualclothing>

In fact, all of the definitions above apply directly to what we envision getting from our casual-sex experience. All of this is what we want, at one time or another. We want to (1) take the chances that come — not miss them. We want it to (2a, 2b) happen when it whims to — not on a scheduled obligation. We want it to be (2c) just what it is, and nothing necessarily more. We (3a) don’t want it to be a serious concern in and of itself. Finally we want it to be (3b) natural.

So many — polyamorous, non-monogamist, or conventionally pairbond-minded regardless — find their motivation to pursue casual sex in the (3a-(3), above) “done without serious intent or commitment” sense. Wanting to branch out but at the same time protecting a previous relationship, wanting to avoid tangling too closely with another psyche, wanting to avoid the judgements or expectations of a family, and so on. Fine and dandy, but no matter how shallow a relationship is, it will only be good if you respect and admire in practice the person who is in it with you.

What follows may only be of use to truly polyamorous, compersive people like me (and hopefully you), but I’m not writing for anyone falling outside that divine perspective. If you find it hard to swallow then try and root out your fears of abandonment, your need to be special, to own or to be exclusively worshiped, and try again.

For me this is key: let it be natural. A lot of society feel that assumptions of pair-bonding and the relationship-escalator after sex are ‘natural,’ so those of us for who don’t feel so have to speak up when initiating a relationship. However unless you are careful and cognizant when saying it, you are going to shut down all of the good that could be with your new partner. You’re going to treat them as a piece of meat right from the beginning, in their mind and more importantly in your own.

Better to define things as they occur instead of a long time before, I’d say. Or at least wait until what is for you the point of no return (genitals in your hand but it’s not unwrapped yet, for example?) before rolling out the ‘relationship’ talk for the first time.

Even a casual relationship that stems from sex branches to other places, and denying that reality is a farce. Most casual relationships break down when one or both parties encounter a sharing which they fear to engage in — when someone goes over the hard line set as ‘casual.’ So suggesting dinner after a screw, or an interest in hashing out some emotional issue, or suggesting a weekend out of town will set off a cascade of resentment whenever that is judged to have broken the ‘casual trust.’

When people have to say ‘let’s keep this casual,’ what they are really communicating is ‘let’s avoid anything where we have to trust each other.’ As I’ve already said, that is some pretty heavy shit. Whether realized or not such shit will seriously impede a free and easy connection in bed or out. At the extreme it doesn’t even allow the connection to reach mutual masturbation — it just becomes a useless void activity that feels empty during and after.

Fucking casuals.

But poly people are not asking for a forever, a ring, or a promise. Saying “I love you” does not demand you return the favor, nor that you subscribe to any system. “I love you” simply means you’re amazing, just the way you are. That is why I am making love to you. And for anyone that is in bed with me, I’m making love to you, or I wouldn’t be there. It is what it is and when done that way, couldn’t be more.

It’s free. No subscription required. If you truly feel casual about having sex, what more do you need?