INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Several NFL personalities are sitting in chairs around a conference table. BILL O’BRIEN is staring at a laptop, swearing repeatedly. JOSH ROSEN, KATIE NOLAN and HUE JACKSON are gazing listlessly at the cellphones.

— [door flies open] —

COLIN COWHERD: Hi guys. Sorry I’m late, there was…hang on a second…

COLIN COWHERD rummages around in his pocket and pulls out his cellphone and a pair of portable speakers. He fiddles with it until the riff from Macklemore’s “Downtown” begins playing.

COLIN COWHERD: …ahem, as I was saying, there was a slowdown caused by a stopped vehicle on the 45 leading into the spur, so the best bet was to take surface streets from Exit 41 until…[realizes nobody is paying attention to him]…what, don’t you guys care about the traffic report?

HUE JACKSON: [still staring at his phone] We all have Google Maps, Colin. Radio traffic reports are from last century.

COLIN COWHERD: Okay, but…[trails off, then begins to panic as he realizes that there’s dead air]…PATRICK MAHOMES IS A SYSTEM QUARTERBACK!

The rest of them glance up.

JOSH ROSEN: Huh?

COLIN COWHERD: Hear me out. Patrick Mahomes has physical talent, but he’s only been as good as the coaches around him have enabled him to be. Sure put him with a Kliff Kingsbury or a Sean McVay or a, yes, Andy Reid, and he’ll light up the scoreboard, but…

KATIE NOLAN: [interrupts while looking back down at her phone] Yes, yes, piping hot take, Colin. It’s okay, you’re not even the last one here. Lawrence has got some ‘special guest’ that he’s bringing in to pitch something to us.

COLIN COWHERD: What about Andy, where’s he?

HUE JACKSON: He’s helping himself to the Continental Breakfast provided by the fine folks at the Days Inn here.

ANDY REID wheels in a catering cart that holds a warming tray.

JOSH ROSEN: Andy, isn’t that food supposed to be for the guests at the hotel?

ANDY REID: Breakfast ends at ten a.m.

KATIE NOLAN: It’s…[checks phone]…thirty seconds past ten.

ANDY REID: [firmly] They had their chance.

BILL O’BRIEN: [muttering at first, but then growing louder] G-g-g-goddamnit. Goddamnit. G-G-G-G-G-GOD-D-D-D-DAMNIT!!!

JOSH ROSEN: [to BILL] What’s it at now?

BILL O’BRIEN: $6.59.

KATIE NOLAN: Jeeeeeesus. Does that thing actually have a bottom?

HUE JACKSON: The only stock that’s been less successful in the last two weeks has been $ROKU.

JOSH ROSEN: We’re getting absolutely fried on this one.

ANDY REID: [glances up from bacon tray] Did somebody say ‘bottomless fries’?

BILL O’BRIEN: [sadly] I think we’re stuck with this d-d-d-dog for a while. What a d-d-d-disaster.

— [door flies open] —

LAWRENCE TYNES: [steps into the room, trailed by an IV stand] Morning, ladies and gentlemen.

The rest glumly grunt acknowledgement.

LAWRENCE TYNES: So I told you folks that I have a friend I wanted to introduce you to. I met him at treatment last week and by gum has he got a pitch for you…

— [door flies open] —

SAM DARNOLD: Hiya, gang!

He is greeted by more glum grunts of acknowledgement.

SAM DARNOLD: Wow, rough crowd. Okay, I’ll get to the point. I’ve spent a lot of time in medical facilities the last couple of weeks. I’ve had my ear to the ground, and I think I’ve identified a stock that might be right for you to invest in. Now it’s been on a bit of a downwards streak, but…[he glances up at the large screen at the end of the room, on which is now being projected the screen from BILL O’BRIEN’s laptop]…oh, I see you’ve already heard of American Renal Associates.

KATIE NOLAN: You have got to be fucking kidding me.

LAWRENCE TYNES: I swear you guys I had no idea.

BILL O’BRIEN: G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GET HIM THE F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FUCK OUT OF HERE!

SAM DARNOLD: [as LAWRENCE and JOSH drag out of the room] KATIE! I NEVER EVEN GOT TO KISS YOU GOODBYE!

KATIE NOLAN: God, what is it with Jets quarterbacks and kissing?

HUE JACKSON: Hey, I’ve got a pick.

COLIN COWHERD: Go nuts, Hue.

HUE JACKSON: Last year, when I was coaching B.M. and the ‘Rod, they picked up an R.V. to use as a little clubhouse. Now I paid a lot of attention to the shopping around that they did, and you know what R.V.’s impressed me the most? The ones made by Thor Industries. I mean, come on, with a name like that, how could we not invest?

KATIE NOLAN: Because R.V.’s are a dying market and they’re potentially a terrible investment?

BILL O’BRIEN: We don’t have any m-m-money to invest in them right n-n-n-now, Hue. But I tell you what. We’ll make a paper trade on this one – let’s say, 200 shares – and hold through earnings, and if it turns out that you made the right call here, we’ll let you pick the next stock once we’re making real trades again. Deal?

HUE JACKSON: [rolls his fingers together Mr. Burns-style] Very well. It’s a deal.

—

The Losers’ Investment Club’s pick – courtesy of Hue Jackson – is 200 shares of Thor Industries at a strike price of 49.71 though they will not own a position in this stock. The Losers’ Investment Club’s current holding are 1000 shares of American Renal Associates stock for a portfolio value of $6570.00.