Dignity is overrated. The truth is, if you want to succeed, pesky things like maintaining self-respect just get in the way. Consider, as a case study, this Florida man who set his mind to stealing a Subway sandwich. He could have accomplished this a lot of ways; he opted to simply shove the entire footlong down his pants. And that's why he's the one having an article written about him, and you're the one reading it, buddy.

It's also the reason police in Florida are searching for him and bringing the public's attention to the crime of the century, which took place at a Marathon gas station in Lakeland, Flordia at roughly 8:45pm on November 25. After unceremoniously lodging the footlong in his garment, the man paid for a soda and left the store, reports ABC Local 10 News. He then rode away on a bicycle.

This is funny, yes. But the real gold here is the Polk County Sheriff's Office's response to the incident via a rambling Facebook post, which opens with the immortal phrase, "A sandwich thief walks among us."