A new version of Godzilla hits theaters next week, featuring widespread destruction, ruined cityscapes and a giant, roaring lizard from Japan.

Unfortunately, Godzilla’s best work is behind him, and every creative work featuring Godzilla since 1993 has been competing for second place. That was the year Godzilla got dominated by Charles Barkley in a one-on-one basketball game.

Uploaded By: bsarles

In 1992, Wieden & Kennedy produced a 30-second spot for Nike featuring Barkley against Godzilla. Originally slated for the Japanese audience, it hit a chord with producers in the U.S. and aired in both territories. It was ridiculous—I mean, look at Godzilla’s stupid protective goggles.

Yet for some reason, the spot proved popular enough that in December of 1993, Dark Horse Comics put out a one-shot, fleshing out the Barkley-Godzilla hoops saga. (Buy it here.)

Let’s take a look.

As Godzilla surfaces menacingly off the coast, young Matthew decides that the only person who can stop a giant walking lizard shooting laser beams from its mouth is baller Charles Barkley.

So in order to get his attention, Matthew skateboards into his arms, like that’s just a normal thing people do with NBA stars.

Barkley decides that getting rid of Godzilla is up to him, but there’s one problem: Charles Barkley is the size of a human, not the size of a giant lizard. Luckily, Barkley has the help of a mysterious magic coin. Here’s Barkley explaining what not to do with the coin.

But by sheer force of luck and the necessity of plot development, the magic coin magically turns Barkley into a giant.

Now Barkley just has to get Godzilla out of the city. The best way to do that is by challenging Godzilla to a basketball game, obvs. “It’s a little-known fact that Godzilla is a sucker for b-ball!” he says matter-of-factly. How Charles Barkley came to be the only person on earth who knows about Godzilla’s penchant for basketball goes unexplained.

So Barkley and Godzilla head out to the Air Force base and form a makeshift hoop out of a radar dish. What follows is the most important game of Barkley’s career.

There’s fancy footwork.

There’s awful trash talk.

There’s misquoting of rap lyrics from “Whoomp! (There It Is!).”

Eventually, Godzilla gets so mad about losing that he melts the basketball with his laser mouth, and Barkley gives him a lecture about sportsmanship. (Again, it is worth noting that Godzilla is a non-verbal giant lizard monster.)

The guys head to a remote canyon in Utah, where Godzilla laces up a giant pair of Nike basketball shoes. Barkley orders the monster to do 1 million lay-ups, estimating that the task will take Godzilla a hundred years. “See you in about a hundred years!” says Barkley, who is, I guess, an immortal shape-shifter now.

Godzilla gets busy.

And that’s it. The story ends with Godzilla practicing his fundamentals.

Obviously, this account seems to have been highly fictionalized—but as a thought exercise, I wondered whether Sir Charles would really be able to dominate the kaiju so thoroughly. To find out, I asked sports writer Kevin Lincoln, who told me:

“Charles Barkley’s style hinges on aggressiveness and physicality, which might be negated by the size and strength of the nuclear mutant lizard. And he lacks the finesse of the best one-on-one players, who are usually wings. But Barkley’s still got the bigger ass, giving him a distinct advantage in getting position, and he has another major advantage: human hands.”

So there you have it. Time to lay this (nonexistent) debate to rest: In real life, Charles Barkley would almost definitely beat Godzilla in a one-on-one basketball game.

Godzilla opens in cinemas around the U.S. on May 16 and stars Bryan Cranston. Basketball-based plot lines may or may not be part of this most recent installment of the long-running franchise.