LITERALLY ON THE FRONT PAGE OF MY WEBSITE:

“Marriage is a false institution, and a waste of time and money.”

-Maddox

I received this a week later:

At first, I thought the veil held up against water fairly well. But so does every other textile in the history of textiles, so it receives no brownie points there. The veil absorbed a lot of the liquid, which was surprising and disappointing because there are a number of such liquids that a bride might be exposed to during the course of a wedding, such as big salty tears or ballbutter. If you want to stand around like a soggy dipshit for two hours or however long weddings are these days–up to 24 or more, apparently, because people can't wait to spend every free second of their weekends and holidays celebrating the orgy of excess that is your wedding–then this is the veil for you. Couple that with the fact that the odds of your marriage failing and you getting re-married in a couple of years comes down to a coin toss, it makes the whole ordeal ever-so-slightly more unbearable. So I marked down 3 points because I got pissed off after writing this paragraph, and also, unlike every other textile in the history of Earth, the veil started to RUST!



This veil burned instantly. In all seriousness, this veil burnt faster than things I've actually needed to burn, like paper or lighter fluid. I'm not sure if clothing is supposed to have some degree of fire-resistance, but this veil had none. On the bright side, if you're stuck out in the woods and need kindling for a fast fire desperately, and some lazy moron sent you one for review because she was hoping you'd plug her website for free, then you're in luck.

The veil did fairly well against electricity. I shocked it with 10.8 million volts of electricity and very little happened, other than me discovering that my camera man was a huge pussy and then having to edit a ton of little shots together in the video above so I could get one clean take because of it. Not surprisingly, the physics of non-conducting polymers found in wedding fabric didn't change over night. If this does surprise you, you are a moron. Read a book. The veil did fairly well against electricity. I shocked it with 10.8 million volts of electricity and very little happened, other than me discovering that my camera man was a huge pussy and then having to edit a ton of little shots together in the video above so I could get one clean take because of it. Not surprisingly, the physics of non-conducting polymers found in wedding fabric didn't change over night. If this does surprise you, you are a moron. Read a book.

The only category where the veil did really well was "piss." I actually had to pee on this veil three times because my balls are so huge, they kept blocking the shot. I finally had to stand up on a step ladder and point my junk straight down, and even then, I peed on my nuts and they scraped against the ground. In the interest of full disclosure, I hosed this off as soon as I peed on it, so I'm not sure if urine actually stains it. I did that so I wouldn't have to carry a piss rag around with me everywhere.

Wow, what a total failure. This veil was completely ruined during the explosive test. This was mostly due to the fire, sparks and smoke; you know, the components that make up an explosion. I had to blow it up several times for all the shots, but there wasn't much left after the first explosion. So if you're a bride and you want to use your face as a shield against an improvised explosive device, don't use this veil to protect you. Or do, I don't really care.