Why is it so hard this time of the year?

After speaking with my mother about how difficult the holidays are after a death, she responded, “it’s all hard. The next meal, the next birthday, the next anything”. She’s right and I won’t deny that. I do, however, want to highlight the holidays as they tend to bring up memories of our loved ones who won’t physically be there.

Events like the Christmas season tend to be more difficult because of the increased family time, traditions, and customs. When we lose someone close to us, nothing feels normal. We go through the motions, but it all feels different, wrong, and fake. It feels as though life will not return to normal because our picture of normal includes that person.

The grieving process is not about dealing with the loss of someone. It is the journey of adjusting to the new “normal” forced upon you.

What grief looks like

One thing is for certain. It is normal for it not to feel normal. Feeling the loss of someone is a testament to the fact their memory lives with you. In the past, we used to think of grief as the progression through 5 stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance. We have come a long way in the field of grief and loss. Today, we accept that each person manages their grief in an individualized way.

You may be watching your mother or father struggling in the hospital, knowing and accepting that they will pass away. When the time comes, you may not bargain, go through denial, or anger from the loss – only sadness and acceptance. You may have lost someone to an accident and only feel anger and acceptance. It is just as normal to visit each stage as it is to only experience a few. Grieving is a personal and individualized process.

How to manage and cope

While grieving is a personal experience, there is a formula I use in my practice to guide almost every situation:

Acknowledge the thought. Accept the emotion. Use your body.

What does the formula look like in real life? Well, if you begin to tear up while drinking eggnog in front of the fire because your partner passed away and you used to do it together: Tell yourself that the memory is honouring them and you miss their presence, give yourself permission to feel sadness, then pour them a glass. Does the formula make the experience easier in the moment? It may not. What it does is give yourself permission to feel and then something concrete to focus on.

It is not a simple or quick process. In fact, emotionally, it is quite draining. The “using your body” section can help to alleviate the mental and emotional stress. Do whatever you need to make sure you don’t stay too long in the emotional state; it is far too wearing. Exercise, breathe deeply, sing “baby it’s cold outside” at the top of your lungs; anything that works for you. The only caveat: drugs/alcohol do not bring you out of the emotional state – only mask it.

Every individual will have their own path during the grieving process. Just remember: Grieving is not the journey of learning to live without them; it’s the journey of living with them, without them being there.

Extra pro-tip: Write a Christmas card to your loved one who is not with you this year. Make it personal. The act of writing is extremely therapeutic. Put it up on the mantle, on the fridge, or wherever you put the rest. At the end of the season, place the card with the others. If you throw them away, toss it. If you put them all in storage, put it in there as well.

Happy holidays everyone!

Anthony Penner, BSW RSW