The god of the oceans is furious with us.

No one really understands why, something about pollution and, "not respecting his majesty" and other such palaver. I received this information due to a vision I received thanks to a recent bout of Ergot poisoning, so the true motivations of this deity are quite vague.

We could totally just fix our problems with pragmatism and innovation, but this is the new America, where superstition and pseudoscience reign supreme, so instead of actually doing anything about the environment, let's give the frightened and ignorant masses EXACTLY what they want: A messy, violent spectacle that the Aztecs would masturbate over, if ghosts had dicks.

However, throwing pretty, nubile female virgins into a volcano is a bit old-hat and with the popularity of things like feminism and individual autonomy in recent years, for better or worse, reusing the standard, tired mythical model would just further anger the frightened, ignorant masses that we are trying to entertain/distract/pacify.

"Now who, in Current Year society, is considered so easily socially expendable as the virgins of old?" You may ask.

The answer is of course the users of the social media platform known as reddit, but EVEN MORE specifically, the users of the subreddit known as /r/incels.

If you don't know what /r/incels is, good for you, you're a normal person that has lost their virginity and has a basic understanding of the social contract. You should give yourself a massive self-esteem boost by spending some time googling what an "incel" is and what their core beliefs are.

However, for the lazy, a brief overview:

/r/incels is basically a circlejerk for permavirgins who can't seem to get laid, through a myriad of reasons that never, ever seem to involve personal responsibility for unacceptable social behavior or caring for one's own mental health. They also seem to promote many behaviors that are either blatantly illegal or merely immoral, like stalking women in order to gain an erection. Finally, they idolize people like Elliott Rodger and Marc Lepine, whose crimes are rather infamous due to their extreme resentment that women wouldn't have sex with them.

Quite simply, these children feel rejected by society, they are extremely sexually frustrated, on the road to radicalization, and won't shut the fuck up about how it's such a crime that they can't get their dicks wet on cue.

Why not "kill two birds with one stone", Mr. President?



We can pacify a budding domestic terrorist element within our midst, AND also soothe the anger of a faceless, nameless sea god, leaving our precious limp dick of a state, Florida, pristine and free of nasty Hurricanes!



All we need is about 6 BlackHawk helicopters, one big-ass drill, some professional catfishers to lure said incels to a location near YellowStone National Park, and of course, trained professional pilots and tard wranglers to both get the incels to the hole, but also make them think they're about to get laid.

WHADDAYA SAY????