I’ll be honest with you. I was skeptical about this college thing. I had a lot of questions, like how is this going to work logistically? It’s not my fault the CW traumatized me when they put a portal between Brooklyn and the UES that Gossip Girl spiraled down into. I had some warranted fears. But here’s the thing: college rocks. I don’t know exactly where we are, but I don’t care. It’s great to see our girls acting like real 18-year-olds. Gossiping in class, hitting on hot juniors, annoyed about how much attention their dead roommate is getting. Plus, if I had an eternity, I’d definitely want to spend it in college, not high school. I think you only have to take, like, one math class there?

Anyway, this is all irrelevant because obviously Elena has already dropped out to search for her ex-boyfriend with her current boyfriend.

To the debate!

Stefan Would Probably Just Mope About It

The intro is really working for me this year, and since Stefan is narrating, this goes in his category. Plus 7 for no more “Mystic Falls is my home. And mine. And my little sister’s. And that guy who sometimes hangs out at my gym.”

I know it was a hallucination, but Stefan and Elena lying by that waterfall (side note: why would he want to hallucinate water?!) reminded me that … look, I’m not totally over it, okay? Stelena forever/whatever. Plus 6.

But then also Minus 6 because this wasn’t even actually happening. Stefan was just dying again.

“Stefan” saying “turn off your phone” was just about the hottest thing I have ever seen. It’s unclear whether Silas actually needs mind compulsion while he is wearing Paul Wesley. Plus 4.

Elena hugging Stefan was … this entire conversation was really confusing, a.k.a. compelling. It did feel like Elena was happy to have Stefan back … as her friend. Okay, fair. I’ll take it. Plus 5.

Elena’s love for Stefan is stronger than her hatred for Damon? Was that what it meant when Elena didn’t want to kill Damon anymore after she thought about how Stefan was missing and cried and stuff? Plus 15, I guess. I’m really trying to handle this in a way that won’t make you yell at me. Side note: Delena people — how are you feeling about this season? Have things changed for you now that their love is no longer “forbidden”? I’m genuinely curious. Let’s talk about it.

Not sure what’s going on with this travelers/Silas story line, but I’ll bite. Silas is really bringing the awesome this season. Plus 5. P.S. When that woman at the gas station said, “I know you can see inside my mind. And I have my own agenda.” And Silas said, “Yes, I see that you do.” Did anyone else immediately think that he was just watching her make out with him? His smirk definitely pointed to that being her “agenda.”

Total: 36

Damon Doesn’t Know What a Hero Would Do. How Is That Relevant?

Damon’s instincts about Stefan being in the quarry were spot-on. Nice work, Damon. Plus 6.

“You do realize you’re dating a reformed serial killer, right?” This is, consequently, the argument Team Stefan people use ad nauseam on Twitter (not me, never me). Plus 10.

Did Damon just say no one cares if Caroline is in a towel? False. Stefan in about five episodes (three? seven?) will care a lot. Minus 4.

“That’s because you haven’t had sex with me.” No. Listen, I’m sure that’s true, but never, ever, say that to someone who has the same face as your brother. Minus 5.

Elena pushed Damon down to have sex with him in a chair. I mean, drug and kidnap him. Minus 15.

“You’re right. Every time I look at you, all I want to do is kill you.” —Elena. Minus 7 for Damon, but then Plus 10 because she stabbed herself so she wouldn’t stab him. That’s love? Something.

Does gas kill vampires? Why did I have such a hard time remembering how they die last night? Fire, right? Does someone else want to do this for a while?

“Stefan has been suffering, for months, while I’ve been rolling around with you.” Ouch. Minus 10.

The look on Damon’s face when Elena said her rage was gone was heartbreaking. He was relieved, sure, but the overriding emotion here was clearly pain. That just the thought of his brother was stronger than anything she was feeling for him. Minus 10.

“I love you. We’re gonna save Stefan and I’m still gonna love you.” Sweet. Probably true, too. It’s only season five. Plus 20.

Total: -5

Bonus Points:

“What are you going to do? You going to hug me?” — Bonnie. She was making me feel. Plus 4?

Oh, Nina Dobrev trying to act unattractive. It was sorta working, which means she deserves an Oscar. Plus 5.

“College kids are so dramatic. She was on campus for like, one day. She couldn’t have made that many friends.” —Caroline. Spoken like a true resident of Mystic Falls. It’s murder, you guys, what’s the big deal? Plus 3.

Ha! Caroline was going to be a drama major! No kidding. Plus 4.

“I’m the freaking moonstone.” —Katherine. I love the little nods and winks to how crazy the plot is on this show. And how every season has a “thing.” Last year’s was the Cure; season one was Damon shirtless. Thanks, writers! But now that you said Katherine’s the moonstone, one thing is for sure true: She’s not. Plus 3.

Caroline flirting! Elena helping! College! Plus 12. I’m also going to include here Elena and Caroline acting like freshmen in class and getting called out on it. It was fun to see these girls act normal. And yes, Elena would totally think her professor was hot. It has been widely proven that she likes older men.

Professor Call Me Doctor came in to microbiology to talk about … some town war? No offense to whatever state this show takes place in, but why is every class in every town so obsessed with their own history? Is this a thing schools primarily teach? I live in New York City. I really don’t know. Minus 4.

“I survived childbirth, the death of my entire family, and 500 years of running from an immortal hybrid. You can understand why I’m a little upset that I’m on the verge of being defeated by a sinus infection.” Plus 7, because this made me feel a lot better about my life.

The moment at which Jeremy put that shawl around Katherine’s shoulders and she looked positively perplexed was beautiful. Have I mentioned this story arc of Katherine being human is genius? Plus 10.

Matt cannot be compelled. He is the Bella of this show. I mean that as a compliment? Plus 30.

I never thought I’d say this, but I wish Tyler would emotionally leave, now. I want Caroline to be single. Minus 3.

This other side stuff with Matt and Bonnie was hard. But at least they could hug. The hugging on this show is the best. Plus 10.

“I, on the other hand, am a hunter. Plus, I work out.” –Jeremy. Tagline of the entire series, right here. Plus 15.

“I think we need to set some ground rules for when boyfriends come to visit.” —Caroline. Plus 10. I think you guys need to set some ground rules for a lot of things, actually.

Why would that professor have any interest in Elena? Oh, right, she’s the protagonist.

Total: 76

Look, this was not an episode in which either Salvatore triumphed. Stefan was still drowning in a quarry mostly and Damon’s girlfriend was trying to kill him. I’m gonna give this one to Matt Donovan — even when he’s dead, he’s epic (trademarked).

See you all here next week! Looks like the Ripper is back … and hungry.

As always, I’m here: @RebeccaASerle