Imagine choosing the apocalypse over a reusable bag. Well, surprise: the straights™ made their choice, and they’d prefer a burning planet over being called *gasp* a homosexual. Wild.

A new American study, published in the Sex Roles journal, found that some of the people surveyed were more likely to question the sexual orientation of men who partook in stereotypically feminine environmentalist behaviour — like using reusable grocery bags. No homo, bro! I was just trying to bring home my deli meats! 🥩

Researchers created fictional characters named David and Diane (of course, their names start with D 👀) who engaged in daily tasks that were environmentally conscious. Some were labelled more feminine — like recycling (???) — and some more masculine — like caulking windows with that Big Dick Energy. They then presented participants with different scenarios featuring David and Diane. The researchers found that when David was associated with more feminine tasks, study participants were more likely to question David’s sexuality. Why are these participants so malicious? Like, mind your own business and try recycling, Ben and Brenda!

And here’s the worst part: using reusable bags, like any other environmentally friendly action, could have real-life consequences. Participants expressed “discomfort engaging with a woman who is not clearly heterosexual” — ie poor Diane who sealed her window frames so she could lower her energy bill and/or her carbon footprint. So, if you’re truly concerned about someone’s sexual orientation while they’re trying to save the planet then a) congratulations on being made up of free time and b) we hope your ego keeps you afloat when the ice caps melt, because we’re not going to save you. 🏊

(As it turns out, the Salty Queers also have anecdotal proof of this study: Arvin once got called a lesbian for carrying a tote bag in downtown Toronto. That’s literally homophobia.)

No word yet on where using a metal straw lands you on the environmentalist homo scale, but with all that sucking, we bet the rank is way up there. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️