Flying and eating – there's barely a worse combination to experience during our short lives on this planet, and yet it's something that we all must endure.

By now, I've got my system down – skip all food outlets at the terminal because I'm a cheapskate and hold out for that sweet, colon-clogging combination of lukewarm meat, carbs, and maybe a stale lump of bread, or if I'm really lucky, all of the above rolled into this monstrosity "served" to me last year by Air China:

In many ways we're lucky that our senses are diminished while in the sky. But what if you're unlucky or silly enough to turn up at the airport desperate for a square meal before you spend hours in a cramped space with hundreds of strangers?

This month nine years ago Beijing Capital International Airport unveiled its gift to the culinary world: Terminal 3 and its tidal wave of shitty (and not so shitty) dining options, tempting flyers to take their physical health and their fellow travelers mental health into their own hands, 30,000 feet above civilization.

We already scoured the terminal for potential Michelin star contenders and came up short, despite this solid 8 kuai effort from one outlet:

Now, due to a lack of resources and a crippling awareness of my dwindling days, I've opted out of running that abdominal gauntlet and will instead browse the dregs of Beijing's gastronomic delights from the safety of my desk. I shall do so by compiling the words of those travelers truly dedicated to the cause of filling us in on the highly banal; those pour souls that want to make the most of their free Wi-Fi connection by eating at Terminal 3 to then spend valuable minutes, if not seconds, reviewing the establishment via Trip Adviser. A special breed, for sure.

Without further ado, revel in frustration voiced in these reviews of the top places to avoid out of all the places you should avoid at Beijing's Terminal 3, written by some very confused individuals, typos and all.

Pizza Hut - 2 star average

Evangelos P: "Unreasonably bad service" - 2 stars

Despite the sign "please wait to be seated" (which I observed) people came from behind, skipped the line and seated themselves ... while I was waiting to be seated. After seven minutes, they noticed us and they gave me a hard time when I asked tobe seated at a booth .. which was taken 2 mins ago .. by the people who skipped the line. : -(

Jay P: “One of the Worst Pizza Hut Pizzas Ever!” - 1 star

I was excited that there was a Pizza Hut at this airport. The waitress coldly warned me about a 30-minute wait (although it took about 45,) so I didn't mind it that much. However, after the long wait for only a personal pan pizza, I was appalled when I received this overdone circle of garbage without any sauce on it. There was some burnt cheese and a few pepperonis spread throughout (as evidenced in my picture.) The crust wasn't nice and buttery. These people were obviously not trained properly. The waitress was only there to tell me where my seat was and to hand me my food.

T C: “I Never Thought I Would Have Eggs at Pizza Hut” - 2 stars

We missed our flight and were in desperate need of protein in the morning. Pizza Hut was our only option. Plastic utensils, poor food quality, but friendly servers. There is a good view.

Joeirei: "Worst breakfast ever" - 1 star

Was walking by and the big full colour hoarding portraying bacon, eggs, and sausage looked to good to miss. It bore no resemblance to what arrived at the table. Anaemic sausage, slabs of fat with the odd bit of bacon attached and toast that was very cold and rubbery. The butter was hard from the fridge, so with the skill of a surgeon I managed to partly spread the lump of frozen lard on my "toast" then I carefully dissected the fat from the bacon and manager to place my eggs on the heap with the help of a plastic fork that has the structural integrity of a dead worm. The coffee was ok. The orange juice that cost half the price of the breakfast as an add on reminded me of the crap I was given as a child.

jiminpgh: "don't order steak at pizza hut" - 2 stars

I should have known better but after three months in asia i thought it was time for something more western like steak...... and after eating 4 tiny scoops of bland potato salad lost on a huge plate and about 20more minutes..... the pepper steak finally arrived ..... it covered more than half the plate and was about a quarter inch thick....... kinda like the bottom of a shoe in more way than one.... the highpoint of the meal was a small pile of steamed unsalted vegetables...... should have just got pizza

Starbucks - 3 1/2 stars average

Paige L: "Worst starbucks i have ever been to" - 1 star

Starbucks is usually a place you can go to get a guaranteed smile to start your day. I have been told that customs are different in China so not to expect a smile, but somebody who is working for as big and successful company as Starbucks should take a lesson from that company's success.

There were 3 people behind the counter, one of whom was taking orders. She was extremely rude, barking questions and at us and barking answers to our questions as well.

I would say that yes, maybe it was just an issue of differing demeanors between the two of us, but she would be angrily barking at us, then turn to her coworkers and make a joke in Chinese and giggle.

Ironically, her name tag said "Sunshine."

I was lucky that the man who had ordered after me was paying attention while the guy was making my drink, and thought it was his, because even though I'd specifically said no whipped cream, he was putting it on anyway. The man behind me stopped him.

Three people behind the counter working one order at a time, and the employees could neither provide pleasant nor competent service.

Pat F: “coffee machine broken???” - 1 star

was looking forward to having a nice CM while waiting in the lounge for my international trip. Imagine my surprise when I was advised that the coffee machine was broken, and I could have milk if I wanted? anyone hear about backups???

Costa Coffee - 3 1/2 stars average

Lolita Y: “DON'T DRINK THE COFFEE!” - 1 star

Bought a hot cappuccino for my friend and an iced Mocha for myself. We got very, very sick with vomitting and diarrhea. Totally ruined our vacation. Was it bad water? Dirty hands? I don't know but DON'T DRINK THE COFFEE!

Jessica B: "Watch out - I got burned!" - 1 star

Watch out - I got badly burned after ordering two cups of tea from this Costa... the lady served boiling water in two tall cups and they were filled right to the brim. I picked up the cups and I took a couple of steps away from the counter holding one in each hand and within seconds the lids of both cups had popped off and boiling water went all over my hands. Sat with ice on them for over an hour and now nearly a month later I still have burn marks on my hand... : (

***

Ok, that last one really sucks.

Judging from these reviews, you'd be well advised to leave enough time to eat in the center of town if you need to fill up before boarding your flight. Or go ahead and risk it by snacking on the best Asian cuisine T3 has to offer ...

More stories by this author here.

Email: tomarnstein@thebeijinger.com

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Images: Tom Arnstein, Jerry Chan, Trip Adviser (Jay P)