The True and Wonderous Story of How Was Delivered Unto Auntie Dee Dee the Most High and Holy Prayer:



As was recounted to Solipsy, Humble GalleyScribe





And The Flying Spaghetti Monster did come unto Dee Dee waiting at the front of Fred’s Italian Corner, for she was hungry and her wait did seem to be unending, and he filled her with His Heavenly Smells, and unto her He did speak:

“My True Believer and most excellent Administrator, My keeper of the knowledge that All is My Creation, and as much as any creationism is to be taught as science, My Creation is to be taught as science, I ask of you this: Carry to My True Believers these instructions, that when they give thanks for the Holy Feast, they shall remember and pray these words”:

Our One Creator Which Flies and is Spaghetti and a Monster,

I believe Thou art the Creator of Goodness and Nourishment, and of Sustenance. I thank the Pasta, and the Sauce, and the Meatballs, for they provide me all my needs.

I thank Thee for the Many Beverages that Thou provides, for they engender true fellowship, and I will quaff them heartily, be they Beer, or Wine, or Sweet Iced Tea (in the South), or even Milk or Kool-Aid, for it is not good to withhold fluids, and I need to take care of my Body, as Beneficiary of Thine Holy Goodness.

I thank Thee for the giving of healthful Green Salad, the Yummy Garlic Bread, and the Blessed Cheese for the top of my Spaghetti, and also I am most thankful that If I eat All my Dinner, a Dessert of Extreme Chocolateness will surely follow, preferably Dark Chocolate, for it is Good.

I believe that Thou are neither Male, nor Female, but are instead beyond the reaches of the gender confusion of Man and Woman Kind, yea, thou are ageless, timeless and all-encompassing.

I most humbly thank Thee, oh Noodly Appendaged One, for Touching me with the mental capacity to adapt the mythologies of This Universe to aid and comfort me here, until that day I am able to join together with my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters at the foot of the Beer Volcano, and enumerate my specifications at the Stripper Factory, so that happiness and contentedness and good cheer be present for all, forever and forever,

RAmen.

And then the Flying Spaghetti Monster did sigh, for His Child Dee Dee did occasionally take it upon herself to embellish, and He laughed a jiggly laugh, for it was not He who specified the darkness of the chocolate in the dessert, nor that it be chocolate at all. He did tickle Dee Dee with his Appendages, and she did promise to confess to all that Our Lord Glob doth approve all sweet desserts, as long as the True Believer hath wasted not the Holy Meal.

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Our Pasta

Our Pasta, who “Arghh” in heaven, Swallowed be thy shame. Thy Midgit come. Thy Sauce be yum, On top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread. And give us our cutlasses, As we swashbuckle, splice the main-brace and cuss. And lead us into temptation, But deliver us some Pizza. For thine are Meatballs, and the beer, and the strippers, for ever and ever. RAmen.

-Kanys

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Hail Marinara

Hail Marinara,

Full of Spice,

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is filled with thee.

Tasty art thou amongst sauces,

and blessed is the fruit

of thy jar, tomatoes

(although fools believe they are vegetables).

Holy Marinara,

Chief Amongst Toppings,

Save a plate for us now,

and at about 6 o’clock when dinner is served, if you would be so kind.

RAmen.

-iamnotanoctopus

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The Fruitless Bull Prayer

Oh Great One,

In our beloved schools, thine name shall be soon be uttered. And the works of your creations shall be revealed. For thy Kansas School board shall be the thin end of the holy wedge, as we ram home our agenda during these uncertain and troubling times.

For the work of the scientists across the ages is but fruitless bull, when compared with your great hand. An in our hour of need do we thus pray to thee O Great Noodly Master, to set the record straight, and to thy school kiddies we do thus pray:

Forget thee Stephen Hawking for his brief history of time was just all wrong

Forget thee Nils Bohr for he was just dumb all along

Forget thee Charles Darwin, for his Evolution theory was all bunk

Forget thee Albert Einstein for his relativity will be sunk

Forget thee Wolfgang Pauli for your spin was just all spin

Forget thee Robert Oppenheimer, believing you is a sin

Forget thee Robert Hooke, your stuff just isn’t true

Forget thee Marie Curie, you were bored and had nothing to do

Forget thee Louis Pasteur you were just fond of scum

Forget thee Harold Urey you don’t know how it’s done

And in thee great scientific advances do I look for a great cause

For it was our Intelligent Noodly Designer that did all this of course

For it was YOU Great Monster, it was just you all along.

Rational thought and human endeavour are really not that strong.

For we are just hapless pawns, really just quite small. Our religion has all the answers; there’s no need to think at all.

So pack up your science texts kiddies, for true enlightenment has begun. The Flying Spaghetti Monster will show how faith based science is done.

RAmen

-DaveL

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The Common Pastology

Taste Sauce, from which all spices flow;

Drink up, ye Pirates here below;

Until the Kansas School Board calls;

Praise Noodles, Sauce, and Meaty Balls.

RAmen.

-Solipsy

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Glob Bless Ya

Oh Great Glob

Send forth your wriggly, jiggly, noodly appendages

For your touch does inspire much Globliness

For Cleaniness is closer to Globliness

Oh My Glob

Shall your meat balls pulsate with much glee

For your eye stalks do not look like a snail (much)

And Glob Bless the Righteous

Oh Mighty Glob

Shall all our charitable work be with religious catch

For we shall only help those we can potentially convert

And great returns shall be reaped from our investments

Oh Blessed Glob

Shall we tell others our religion is much better

For they are wrong and we right

And their conversion doth bring much noodly joy

Oh Omnipotent Glob

Gamma globulin is a protein found in human plasma

For I knew that would impress thee…

And make me look like a smarty pants in your eye (stalk)

Oh Righteous Glob

Send forth thy men in white coats

For much religious writing has yea verily sent me mad

And I shall dwell in the House of Loony for many a day

Oh Venerable Glob

Glob, Glob, Glob

Globby, Globby, Globby

Glob, Glob, Glob, Glob

RAmen

-DaveL

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Pirate’s Proclamation

O’ Divine One

As has been proclaimed by the Pirates, Ahoy! for a New Age has come.

Let the printed idols fall before the Awesome might of the Noodle! Let there be singing in the streets and countrysides of the great divinity that is The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Let the Saviors of the past degenerate into the myths they are. Let Boyardee be raised up and with a mighty “Arrr” let the Holy Land be found. And once there let a great monument to the Midget, the Mountain, and the Tree be built and consecrated in the name of the image of the Skull and Crossbones.

The Swords are drawn. The flags are waving and the ships are coming to assault the port of Untruth! Pillaging, plundering, and wenching will commence and when that is done, a great cloud of saucey awesomeness will billow in the image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the highest and most powerful Noodle!

Ramen

-Shoeman

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Ode to thy Tree

Oh Great Foliage.

Thy magnificence doth shroud thy Bobby Mountain.

And following creation by the Great One, you do sit awsesomely.

For thy roots hold much soil, preventing erosion and siltation

Oh Magnificent Shrubbery

With thy leafy goodness do your loyal Midgets espouse thee

For all but the Lumberjack shall plunder your booty

And I’m talking timber here, not Beyonce!

Oh Great Forested One

Shall thy xylem and phloem transport your nutrients

And make you grow big, leafy and beefy

For your photosynthesis doth provide much air (of the not hot variety)

Oh Leafy, Green Stalky, Thingy

When ye is hacked mercilessly from the forest

May your timber provide shelter and furniture from thy Midget workings

And shall those touristy timber souvenirs be forever banned

Oh Bushy, Brushy, Timbery One

Through summer and winter do thee doth endure great hardship

For you are most sturdy and durable like Calvin Klein undies

That is until thy chainsaw and front end loader doth smite thee

Oh Wooded, Cellulosy, Groundstick

When old age doth result in much dropping of the limb

Shall you sprout forth much foliage, green, bushy and brushy

For the Pirates shall require your assistance to reduce global warming

And shall thee dwell on the slopes of Bobby Mountain for ever more

RAmen

-DaveL

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Ode to Thy Tree Part 2

Oh Green Leafy Hedge

Should thee obstruct my multi-million dollar harbour view

I shall poison and ring bark thee with glee

For a deforested suburb shall yea verily lose it’s real estate value

Oh Scared Mountain Foliage

Thy leaves shall shed from thee

Like hair from a Holy Bald Midget

For thy Midget shall find comfort in thy wig and thy merkan (if he’s that unfortunate)

Oh Blessed Scrub Tendrils

Thine branches are like the Great Ones Noodly Appendages

Spreading forth from the Great Strip Club in the sky

To touch thee like thee has never been touched previously

Oh Rigid Pole with Green Leafy Bits and Root

They garden doth harbour thy great beauty with bird and insect

Until thy man-of-the-house shall hack thee to the bare bone

For trimming shrubs is yea verily a real bummer

Oh Decidous Barky One

Shall the FSM answer thy great mystery of thy Leaf Blower

For they are noisy but do bugger all…

Except blowing leaves from one pile to another

And in the days when we ascend to the great Beer

Volcano in the sky. Shall the Garden of Eden possess

Trees that grow both pasta and stripper

For that would make me a very happy camper indeed!!

And thy abomination The Leaf Blower shall be banned from the House of our Lord. For ever and ever.

RAmen

-DaveL

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Author’s Note: A traditional working song sung by the Midgets of Bobby Mountain and translated from the original language of Midget Bork – as spoken in the Holy Book of Midgets.

This song may be sung or prayed in either English, Midget or Piratese as a round. It is rumoured that the Flying Spaghetti Monster decrees bonus Beer and Strippers will be forthcoming to those who can sing the prayer in the Ancient Midget Tongue (please confirm this Olive Garden).

And it is also well rumoured that Qwerty may be one of those on extra rations come the afterlife.

The Basil Pickers Prayer

Picking up the basil (Picking up the basil)

Put in the pot (Put it in the pot)

Stir it in with noodles (Stir it in with noodles)

Eat the bloomin’ lot (Eat the bloomin’ lot)

Picking up the basil (Picking up the basil)

Blimey it get’s hot (Blimey it get’s hot)

Think I’ll go inside now (Think I’ll go inside now)

Switch on telly, sit on bot (Switch on telly sit on bot)

Picking up the basil (Picking up the basil)

Hungry not a lot (Hungry not a lot)

Think I’ve got constipation (Think I’ve got constipation)

Small intestine in a knot (Small intestine in a knot)

Picking up the basil (Picking up the basil)

Science is a blast (Science is a blast)

Dedicated to our future (Dedicated to our future)

Definitely not our past (Definitely not our past)

Picking up the basil (Picking up the basil)

Noodly Monster is the way (Noodly Monster is the way)

To get to Stripper Heaven (To get to Stripper Heaven)

And drinkin’ beer all day (And drinkin’ beer all day)

Picking up the basil (Picking up the basil)

Wish I had more hair (Wish I had more hair)

It amuses Spaghetti Monster (It amuses Spaghetti Monster)

And that’s not really fair (And that’s not really fair)

Repeat again or alternatively if your hungry; start eating!

Alternatively in Midget Bork

Zee Beseel Peeckers Preyer

Peecking up zee beseel (Peecking up zee beseel)

Poot in zee put (Poot it in zee put)

Stur it in veet nuudles (Stur it in veet nuudles)

Iet zee bluumeen’ lut (Iet zee bluumeen’ lut)

[i]Peecking up zee beseel (Peecking up zee beseel)

Bleemey it gets hut (Bleemey it gets hut)

Theenk I’ll gu inseede-a noo (Theenk I’ll gu inseede-a noo)

Sveetch oon telly, seet oon but (Sveetch oon telly seet oon but)

Peecking up zee beseel (Peecking up zee beseel)

Hoongry nut a lut (Hoongry nut a lut)

Theenk I’fe-a gut cunsteepeshun (Theenk I’fe-a gut cunsteepeshun)

Smell intesteene-a in a knut (Smell intesteene-a in a knut)

Peecking up zee beseel (Peecking up zee beseel)

Sceeence-a is a blest (Sceeence-a is a blest)

Dedeeceted tu oooor footoore-a (Dedeeceted tu oooor footoore-a)

Deffeenitely nut oooor pest (Deffeenitely nut oooor pest)

Peecking up zee beseel (Peecking up zee beseel)

Nuudly Munster is zee vey (Nuudly Munster is zee vey)

Tu get tu Streepper Heefee (Tu get tu Streepper Heefee)

Und dreenkin’ beer ell dey (Und dreenkin’ beer ell dey)

Peecking up zee beseel (Peecking up zee beseel)

Veesh I hed mure-a heur (Veesh I hed mure-a heur)

It emooses Speghettee Munster (It emooses Speghettee Munster)

Und thets nut reelly feur (Und thets nut reelly feur)

Repeet egeeen oor elterneteefely iff yuoor hoongry; stert ieteeng! Bork Bork Bork!

-DaveL

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Ponderance of thy Balls

Oh Dual Orbed One in the Sky

Thy carbohydrated-ness is reknown throughout the land

For thy appendage has touched our humble Pastafarian flock

And in our praise to thee, do we thank thee for extending your noodley appendage.

For a life of dogma sure beats living in the real world!

And with thine eye stalks, does thee watch over your Piratey Brethren

For they are both googly and snail like. And Gastropods are yea verily really cool with the kids.

And in our worship to thee, do we acknowledge that you watch over us.

Like Betty Bowers or a Military Satellite.

For thine privacy is forfeit in your eyes.

But thine mystery of thine Pulsating Meat Balls doth perplex us

They are dual Halos, (without the X-Box) which radiate thy warmth with great glee, meatiness and herbiness.

For your mincey goodness be forfeit without much garlic and onion.

And in our thoughts of thee, do we boys ponder your wobbly bits.

For a man doth think about sex every 10 seconds according to many womans magazines.

And testosterone can yea verily be a real bummer.

For it doth cause many of the worlds problems, including

24 hour sports channels and badly acted martial arts movies.

And in multiple choice format, we doth ask thee:

a) Are thee man? For thy Holy orbs possess crown jewel like qualities. (cue spine tingling music)

b) Are thee woman? For thy Holy orbs put Pamela Anderson to shame

c) Are thee both? For the post modern era doth allow many possibilities

d) Are thee are non of the above?

For thine answer is d). Lock in d)!!

For we shall praise thee in all our Might Oh Great Lord/Lordette that your sexless form shall provide inspiration and equality to Pastafarians across the land.

For subordination of women and separation of roles is an abomination in your eye stalks.

Yes thy humble snail is also a hermaphrodite, intelligently designed in your image. But alas thy brethren the slug did yea verily cop a raw deal, without thy ‘Mini-Winnebago’ for shelter.

And as your tentacles brush the lands of the holy mountain, shall we your pastafarian people extol thee with much joy.

For the mystery of thine balls shall result in much fragmented thinking, counter movement and disagreement, like most theological thinking.

For thine balls are the Meatiness, the Mince and the Seasoning.

For Ever and Ever,

RAmen

-DaveL

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Prayer for Beneficial Attributes

Monster grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the Noodle to know the difference.

RAmen

-NoodleNet

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Mount ID

Massive Rock Oh Craggy Mountain

When we stand on top of thee

Are we really closer to the beer volcano

Or is this just a psychological trick based upon

Relative height to ground, and the ‘invisible sky daddy’ concept?

Magnificent Lofty Matterhorn of Love

Your slopes do cradle thy Mountain and Tree

And nurture thy Midget workings of Basil and Pasta Sauce

And is Mount Rushmore really an example of Intelligent Design?

Or is this analogy yea verily the work of a nutty fruitcake?

And in thy science classrooms Oh Great One

Shall Gutzom Borghlum’s work transcend the Great One’s works

For he too was an intelligent designer; real, while the other is implied

Like Father Christmas, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy

And chocolate eggs are irreducibly complex in my tummy!

In thy breezy solitude oh Great Summit

Shall your icy cap be a visible reminder of the power, the powder and the glory

Of our divine makers sauciness

A radiant reminder of his wriggly, jiggly, wobbly, globby creations

Prostrate at your semolina-like tentacley tendrils

And we intelligently ask this in The Holy Designers name

RAmen

-DaveL

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Holy Friday

O Lord of Noodliest Noodles,

Please bless us on this holiest of holy days; Friday.

On this day, which we devote to You,

May our noodles never go soft.

My all of your loyal followers be touched by Your noodly appendage,

And may our grog ever be cool and drinkable in Thy name.

RAmen.

-NoodlyAppendage

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The Holy Limerick

There once was a Prophet named Bobby,

Who challenged ID as a hobby

His Monster (FS)

Was such a success

That he conquered ID in the lobby

-Ubi Dubium and Tigger_the_Wing

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The Spaghettitudes

Blessed are the noodly believers,

for theirs is the tomatoey dominion.

Blessed are they who are pirates,

for they shall sail the meaty ocean in the hereafter.

Blessed are they who take Ramenunnion,

for they partake of the body and blood of our most Holy FSM.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for spaghetti,

for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the midgits,

for they shall obtain coupons for BOGO spaghetti night.

Blessed are the spaghetti-stained,

for they shall see the Spaghetdeity.

Blessed are the followers,

for they shall be called Pastafarians.

Blessed are they who are persecuted In the name Of Spaghetti,

for theirs is the Pirate Ship of heaven.

-Penne Aldente

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Prayer of Knowledge

Grant, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, thy sauce;

and in sauce, noodles;

and in noodles, meatballs;

and in meatballs, knowledge;

and from knowledge, knowledge of what is tasty;

and from knowledge of what is tasty, the love of spaghetti;

and from spaghetti, the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

RAmen

-necronos

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FSM Mantra

Spaghetti Monster Spaghetti Monster

Monster Monster Spaghetti Spaghetti

Spaghetti Raman Spaghetti Raman

Raman Raman Spaghetti Spaghetti

-necronos

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Our Daily Pasta

Our monster so great, such art in the plate

Hallowed be thy scrummy yummy juicy sauces

Thy kingdom come, some day, but not too late:

Before we move onto our second courses!

Give us this day our daily pasta

And forgive us if we sometimes overcook it

As we forgive them who eat it much faster

(The important thing is not to overlook it!)

And lead us not into false consummation

Of dire dodgy dishes: nasty noodles or Ramen

For thine is the source of the saucy sensation

Forever and ever Spaghetti Monster amen!

-tris

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The Tasty Prayer

Meatbal meatball, Spaghetti underneath!

Rigatoni, Ravioli, Noodles and beef!

-Angel-Hair Archmage