TUSCALOOSA, AL—In an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can’t handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. “What happened to Matt this past weekend is entirely preventable, which is why we are immediately restricting all pipsqueaks who can’t even butt-chug a measly fucking 40 of Old English to their housing units,” an email from University of Alabama president Stuart R. Bell read in part, also announcing that all 798 pathetic little bitches pledged to the school’s 15 weak-ass fraternities were disenrolled from their fall courses effective immediately. “Greek life has always been an important part of tradition on our campus, and we hope it will remain so, but students need to be aware that they will not have a place in this institution until they can drink a double pint of semen-laced vodka, run five miles in the nude while shotgunning a 12-pack of beer, and find their way home blindfolded without passing out. The University of Alabama simply does not tolerate pussies who go crying to mommy simply because they never learned to go hard in the motherfucking paint. That behavior has no place at this university.” Bell acknowledged that this measure is not enough on its own, and that everyone at both the university and the country at large needs to do a better job combatting the rampant lightweight culture that contributed to Young’s death.

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