This post is completely going to be different and most likely going to be the most authentic I ever wrote. I think that many people are either going to understand where I'm coming from or maybe going to think that I've been giving up but you all need explanation from me because it won’t be fair on my end. I want people to see where I'm currently at right now in MY reality. I feel like I am no longer “living” or I no longer have a purpose in my life. When I told myself to just take it day by day, I didn’t realize that “day by day” is not what I have in my reality. I keep referring reality because my reality is something that people needs to be aware. I wake up every morning and realize that my husband will be injecting me with drugs every single day and multiple times a day on a daily basis. This is what I look "forward" to every day, a few injections of drugs and just go back to whatever I’m doing. What am I doing though? This is also not my reality, this is my husband’s reality as well.

I can never go back to what I was doing in my life because I can’t and I’m not able to because of my circumstances for being not in the right current mind physically and emotionally. I was lost a few days ago and as crazy as it sounds, I went to another dimensional world. Maybe you will think I’m going crazy, I probably am but that world that I was in was a painful world. It was just another shitty world that I had to get myself into which I didn’t understood why did I had to go to THAT world but when I realize I came back to my reality, this isn’t any better as well.





I am “living” my life but I no longer have a purpose. I am currently in pain and I don’t know how to explain this life that I am currently “living”. I can’t even look at my loved ones with hope and faith because I no longer have it in me or I just can’t have it every day. I’m disappointing myself and I’m disappointing every one surrounding me.





I feel like God has given up on me and this is something that I’m really struggling with because I’ve trusted him and I feel like he has failed me this time. My faith is really struggling as you can tell. I look back at my life and I can no longer have that. I can never have what I used to have. I’m here at home and “living” life by taking all these drugs to keep me “alive”. I’ve already accepted that I’m ill and I’m not getting cured. Drugs after drugs after drugs… I am bruised all over my body. I can’t even look at myself. That’s how much I’m hurting not just emotionally but physically when I look at the mirror.





God is giving me days or I don’t even know anymore but it’s no longer what I want if you ask me because it’s not living anymore. I woke up this morning and read Job 7. It’s probably the worse chapter to read in the bible but of all the bible chapter, this is where he lead me? Isn’t that crazy how he lead me to that chapter? If you ask me, it’s not a coincidence but it's definitely something that questioned my faith once again.





So you’re wondering what now? What am I going to do with my life? I can’t move back to where I was as much as I want to but I also can’t move forward because there’s nothing to move forward to.





I struggle every single day because as much I want to try to be positive and maybe do whatever I want during the day simply by enjoying the sun, I can’t really because the medications that’s being inserted on me just drains me and makes me go back to bed so I can “wake up” and not feel nauseas.





My family is struggling and eventually, they will have to send me away to a hospice when they can no longer handle my situation. So what do I do now? I don’t really know… I’m trying my best to stay positive but I don’t know how...

This is my reality but like I said, Im struggling just like everyone else.

But you know what, God works in mysterious ways...he always seems to find me and I always seem to come back to him. I learned to just realize that I can never understand the way he works but at some point, he always seem to find me in the worse situation and never gave up on me.

God, I'm still holding on to you...I know you're not giving up on me.







