Editor’s note • The following is not actually an internal campaign memo prepared for Mitt Romney in anticipation of his 2018 Senate bid ... but it could be.

To: Mitt Romney

From: Romney Exploratory Committee

Re: Briefing on Utah Issues

In his ongoing campaign to annoy President Donald Trump, Gov. Romney has said he is considering (Who are we kidding? He’s running!) a bid for Senate in Utah, a state where he has lived for a very small percentage of his life. In anticipation of a possible bid (He’s running!) we were asked to prepare this memo to help get Mitt up to speed on issues that might arise should he decide to run. (He’s SO in!) This memo is the product of three months’ work by some of the top Washington, D.C., consultants in the business. We trust it will be useful and informative.

Romneycare is bad! Access to health care is routinely a top issue for Utahns. Your instinct may be to point out that you came up Romneycare that was a blueprint for Obamacare, which now covers nearly 200,000 Utahns. Fight that instinct. Always remember: Obamacare is bad and people who want health care should get a better job. Like maybe work for a hospital. Also, try not to mention that you were pro-choice last time you ran for Senate, in 1994.

Local politics are kooky: Infighting has apparently made the Utah Republican Party a completely irrelevant organization, which is good. Still, if you are elected senator, you will be expected to attend the Emery County Convention and Lamb Fry and the Piute County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner. We will notify you when we have located Piute County. Also, you will probably have a Republican opponent who may wear an actual tinfoil hat. Try not to be distracted. And you may have a Democratic opponent. We will notify you when we have located Utah Democrats.

Local cuisine is choppy: Rocky Mountain oysters are VERY different than the Atlantic oysters you enjoyed when you were living in the governor’s mansion in Massachusetts. If you’re ever unclear which kind of oyster you are being offered, it’s best to err on the side of caution. You also may be offered Jell-O salad and various kinds of casserole. We trust your Mormon upbringing will steer you in the right direction, should that arise.

The environment is murky: Utah has some of the most magnificent landscapes on the planet, which has generated a $12 billion per year outdoor recreation industry. This annoys Utah Republicans very much and they have tried to stop it. Best bet here is to focus on the important oil and coal jobs. If you need to drive home the importance of petroleum, mention the stuff that holds your wonderful hair in place. Last time you were in Utah for very long, it was the 2002 Winter Olympics. Folks loved it, but now climate change is threatening Utah’s winter sports and possibly a future Olympic bid. Probably best to ignore that. Also, air quality along the Wasatch Front gets really, really bad during parts of the year. Maybe you can recommend Utahns do what you and Ann do and go to their home in La Jolla, Calif., when that happens.

Horses — Utahns ride ’em: Away from the Wasatch Front there are vast parts of Utah where people ride horses. Unlike the dressage outfits Ann wears when she rides, Utahns typically wear Wranglers and large hats. They call themselves “cowboys” and wear “cowboy hats” even though they don’t actually ride cows. And unlike your horse, Rafalca, Utah horses appear to have names like Thunder or Gus or Tagg.

Playing the percentages: We’ve compiled some useful numbers to keep in mind when you are campaigning in Utah.

47: The percentage of people too lazy to work

10: Tithing

3.2: Beer

72: Percentage of people who voted for you in Utah during your 2012 presidential run

0: Chances you’ll lose as long as you don’t “Roy Moore” it