WASHINGTON—After solemnly chanting the Latin funereal hymn “Dies Irae” in unison, hooded members of Congress on Wednesday reportedly drowned another love child in the Potomac River to prevent an affair from getting out. “So that this bastard child is never again blessed with the light of another morning, we now commit him to the depths of this river,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, who held the day-old baby above his head for all 535 cloaked legislators to look upon and then handed the squirming infant to Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who placed it in a burlap sack and gently lowered it into the chilly water. “Tonight, we from both chambers renounce it, we deny it a name, and we offer it to the Potomac to rid this world of what should not have been and cannot be any longer. With this athame blade, I now begin the blood oath.” At press time, a couple in Alexandria, VA discovered the infant downriver and decided to raise it as their own.

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