THE Pope has used his canonising powers to create a new companion in his steadfast war against sin.

Pope Francis, whose former sidekick St Christopher was seduced by darkness last year, brought 17th-century missionary Joseph Vaz back to life and bestowed on him incredible new abilities with his canonising vision.

Francis said: “With the Vazzinator at my side, able to conjure confessions from the very mouths of our enemies, I am ready to take on Satan and his minions.

“Last time they struck I was weak from lack of humility, but a week washing the feet of lepers has recharged the powers gifted to me by St Francis to control all animals.”

The Pope then mounted his faithful tiger companion Cardinal Teodolfo, shouted ‘By the power of Catholicism!’ and rode off to fight the forces of sin with his glowing staff held high.

After the Devil is beaten, the Pope’s next adventure – “If This Be… Revelation!” – will be to forcibly convert all the Jews.