The Future Belongs To Microsoft...

Eating - MS brand cereal will be "an integrated part of this nutritious breakfast". There will be a free IE CD in every box. It will be fortified with addictive mind altering drugs to keep eaters coming back and installing more MS products.

Breathing - Microsoft will purchase the worlds air supply and replace it with "Active Air"

Sleeping - Dreams will be injected with advertising provided through Microsoft. Your sleep patterns will be sent back to Microsoft for analysis so they can increase the effectiveness of their dream advertising. (Of course, Google will do this first)

Toilets - The amount and content of what you excrete must be registered in the waste management database that is powered by MSIE. Microsoft will use this information to enhance the next version of Windows.

Refrigerators - Your refrigerator will inventory your food supply and automatically order more food using Microsoft Internet Explorer. Due to an unpatched exploit, it will only order Microsoft Waffles.

Televisions - Oh, that is here already. Nuts, trying to watch the news and all I get is a blue screen... it must be MSNBC again.

Digital wrist watches - All digital wrist watches must have a personal scheduler, e-mail client, word processor, data base, spreadsheet, 3-d video games, video conferencing, and of course Microsoft's web browser. I'm not sure how you get to the feature anymore, but supposedly they keep time as well.

Clocks - All Microsoft clocks will connect to the internet using MSIE and synchronize with an atomic clock time server.

Time - Microsoft will buy all atomic clocks and then slow them down so they can get the next version of Windows/MSIE out on schedule.

Pants - Pants will have built in MSIE powered computers to inventory the contents of your pockets. Occasionally it electrocutes people if they put their hands in their pockets.

Cars - Browse the web while you drive. And they wonder why these cars crash so often.

Planes - Microsoft airways with Microsoft autopilots? I would rather fly ValueJet!

Trains - Remember the good old days when the trains ran on time? They now run several years behind schedule thanks to Microsoft.

Nuclear warheads - instead of plutonium, nuclear devices will use MSIE.

Household pets - animal collars will have built in web cameras so you can monitor your pet over the Internet, but only using MSIE. There will also be "unexplained" reports of these pets spontaneously combusting.

Socks - the new "Win Sock" has built in heating/cooling core and a computer system that uplinks to the National Microsoft Weather center and adjusts temperature depending on the current weather conditions.

Telephones - All telephones will have built-in Microsoft operating systems and will be locked down so they only run Microsoft approved software, locking out any real competition. Even though they have never had a product like this before, the first version will be called "Windows Phone 7". Can I please, please, please, please have a phone that just lets me talk to people?

Star ships (in the far future) - MS1701-D USS Billyprise

Star Trek TV shows: Star Trek the Microsoft Generation, Star Trek IE 9, and Star Trek Explorer.

Oil - Microsoft will buy up all oil companies and reintroduce Standard Oil.

Batteries - The new "Microgizer" it keeps on crashing and crashing and crashing... still crashing, nothing out crashes like the Microgizer.

Children's toys. (Oh, they already did that!) Assimilating children ages 2-6.

Adult toys - Microsoft introduces the Billdo, which lets you have ActiveSex over the Internet. But watch out for those macro viruses!

Micro-Soft women's underwear - Even Bill himself wears it.

TV Dinners - Microsoft introduces "Web TV Dinners". Don't forget to read that restrictive EULA, you may only microwave these in Microsoft Live! Microwaves.

Jell-O - there's always room to integrate Jell-O.

Microsoft light bulbs - They last about 10 minutes and burn out in a big blue flash, and they can't be removed or replaced because they are integrated in to the light sockets for the benefit of the consumer.

Wallpaper: They brought you wallpaper for your computer desktop, and now for your HOUSE! It comes in Windows logos and MSIE logos, but remember once you put up Microsoft wallpaper it becomes an integrated component of your house and can not be removed.

Paper: Microsoft will buy up all paper plants, shut them down, and force people to use a "paperless office". Which is only viewable in the latest version of Microsoft Internet Explorer.

Music: To promote it's own music store, Microsoft will buy up all music in the world. Suspiciously, all opera disappears overnight.

Parties: Steve Balmer will come and dance for free at any of your parties! He will arrive in his bright green Astroturf-mobile and bring all kinds of free Microsoft X-Box games and goodies.

Razors: Microsoft Razors, ideal for slitting your wrists after watching Balmer dance.

Education: Meet your new instructor, Barny the Microsoft Dinosaur at Bill Gates university, where you will be taught to use the latest Microsoft Office products, and that there is nothing else you need to know about computers.

Cleaning products: Prevent infections and viruses by cleaning your kitchen with Microsoft Kitchen Cleaner. (Warning, this product is highly poisonous)

Microsoft Windows Future Edition features:

Integrated and Bundled unremoveably with:

Everything! All Microsoft products are included, and non-Microsoft products no longer exist.

It's New! So you have to buy it!

It's Shinier! So you have to buy it!

It's Cooler! So you have to buy it!

It's Mostest Awsumest! So you have to buy it!

And for the computer geek: it's even more 1337! So you have to buy it!

Everyone is required by law to purchase the latest upgrade of Microsoft Windows, for national security reasons and to make sure you are not an evil pirate, so... you have to buy it.

143 new applications added to the existing cluster of 18,432 Microsoft "Office" applications. (Purpose unknown)

Internet Explorer, now integrated down to the subatomic level.

Microsoft ThinkRight, a plug-in to Microsoft Barny that prevents you from thinking anything bad about Microsoft. ThinkRight++, that additionally injects good thoughts about Microsoft, will be rolled out as a separate update when the issues of fatally excessive pants creaming are fully addressed (Microsoft is still having troubles adapting this former Apple technology)

1024-bit x86 compatible, one thousand cores with 900 reallybigaherts or higher.

640 Truckloads of Ram. (should be enough for anybody)

74 Hojilabytes of HD space

An octal subspace connection or faster to the internet so Bill can better access your files.

A 2000 inch monitor for the new, even larger tool bars.

ActiveHappyFunEnjoyment eye, ear, and anal implants are required to watch moves, due to new DRM.

A 5D reality-shifting accelerated video card with a built in nuclear power plant for full functionality, or a 4D video card with dual coal plants for basic functionality.

Windows will not run without an octal subspace network connection to Microsoft. Unfortunately in the USA Internet service providers still connect people with a pair of tin cans and a piece of string.

Will not boot up before the heat-death of the universe if CPU time dilation is disabled.

MICROSOFT THINKRIGHT++ ENABLED, YOU NO LONGER KNOW OF ANY BUGS.

Have a nice assimilation!





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