Government pledges to maintain illusion of Coronavirus plan

As coronavirus cases escalate with alarming rapidity, the government has sought to reassure the public that it will do everything in its power to maintain the illusion of a plan to manage the outbreak for as long as is necessary.

“What is crucial in times such as these is for everyone to feel confident that they have a government capable of managing this crisis to a successful conclusion,” explained Boris Johnson.

“I pledge to you now that we will do everything we can to maintain that elaborate façade.”

The Government are currently in the ‘contain’ phase of the plan to sound like they have a plan.

In practice, this means that 5live will feature a variety of vacuous chancers from the cabinet saying phrases like ‘washing hands is the most effective preventative measure,’ and ‘there is no need to move to the ‘delay’ phase yet’.

However, is expected that the government’s plan to sound like they have a plan will soon actually have move to the ‘delay’ phase, which will be largely based around those same cabinet chancers saying ‘we’re in the delay phase of the plan now’.

The advantage of maintaining the illusion of a plan is that no actual plan or actions are required, something which a government consisting of the likes of Priti Patel and Dominic Raab would find difficult.

It is expected that the British public will support the government and help maintain its illusion of a plan because that’s nice and easy and doesn’t require any questioning or thought.