Appearing as a bleach-blond criminal in Steven Soderbergh’s new film, the actor seems desperate to ditch the tuxedo. We survey his career options

Never say never again: Daniel Craig ‘offered $150m for two more Bonds’ Read more

The ballad of James Bond has just taken its latest twist. Daniel Craig, by his own admission, would “rather slash his wrists” than play 007 again. He’s seemingly resisting intergalactic amounts of money to sign on for more films. To the outsider, it appears Craig is doing everything in his power to distance himself from the role.

That notion was reinforced last weekend, when the trailer for Steven Soderbergh’s comeback movie, Logan Lucky, was unveiled. Craig features in it, playing a tattooed, bleach-blond, high camp criminal named Joe Bang, whose voice seems to be modelled on Zach Galifianakis’ Seth character. Joe Bang is a far cry from James Bond – he speaks in actual sentences, for a start – but it may not be far enough.

Sean Connery, to truly escape Bond, had to dress up in a mankini to play an uncivilised “Exterminator” who flies around in a giant stone head in Zardoz. Forget bleaching his hair – that’s the level of commitment Craig needs if he wants to disassociate himself from 007. Here are some suggested roles for him.

Sean Spicer

The exact opposite of James Bond. Where Bond is suave and sophisticated, Spicer is frayed and angry. Bond is the master of the killer comeback, Spicer reacts to everything with a series of exasperated sighs. Bond always looks impeccable, Spicer has inspired a GoFundMe campaign to get him a suit that fits. Surely, if he’s really done with Bond, Craig should be pushing for a Sean Spicer biopic.

Nimrod

I suspect that money is the reason Craig hasn’t already ditched Bond. He hates the role, but likes the planet-sized pay packet that it brings. So let’s direct him to where the big money is these days: Marvel. The least Bond-y Marvel character is probably the shape-shifting, time-travelling genderless robot Nimrod, so let’s make a franchise out of that. Someone sign Craig up for a seven-movie deal. He loves those.

Holler If Ya Hear Me: why Tupac Shakur will be spinning in his grave Read more

Tupac Shakur



No, wait, hear me out. Ask yourself this: how did Pierce Brosnan finally cut his ties to 007? That’s right – by bellowing like a sexless buffalo in the Abba jukebox musical Mamma Mia. Maybe that’s what Craig needs to do, too. Let’s sign him up for the lead in the adaptation of the short-lived 2014 Tupac Shakur musical Holler If Ya Hear Me and see how he does.

The pulsating brain tree from Twin Peaks

Unless David Lynch pulls the rug out from under us by giving it a subplot where it infiltrates a Russian supervillain’s base in a tuxedo before having sex with a beautiful woman, the nightmarish pulsating tree monster with a fleshy brain for a head from the new series of Twin Peaks is currently the least Bondish character in the world. Daniel Craig should push for a mid-season recast.

A dog in a funny hat

James Bond has been many things, but he has never been a nice dog in a funny hat. Coincidence?

Covfefe

At time of publication, it’s been six hours since Donald Trump enigmatically tweeted the non-word “covfefe”, causing a worldwide spike in bad Twitter jokes on the subject. This is more than enough time for Hollywood writers to knock out a series of pitches for a hapless cash-in Covfefe movie. Craig should attach himself to one of these lickety-split. Unless it turns out that Covfefe is actually a suave British superspy, in which case he should probably avoid it.