Sorry men--you're not modern unless you cry often, own a melon baller, don't own a gun, and know which ladies shoe brands run big or small.

So says the New York Times' latest strange advice column titled, "27 Ways to be a Modern Man."

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small...

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?... 20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield... 26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

Even the most cliché hipster would blush at some of these doozies While some could argue the last two apply to Speaker John Boehner this week, no man we know has ever used a melon baller or bought shoes for their wife on a whim. Picking fashion for your partner can be risky business, yet that's the #1 prerequisite in the' world.

What's truly bizarre is that the author calls on men to cry often and use women as a physical shield, but then in #16 says, "The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away."

So, after a good nightly cry as the little spoon, this hypothetical man assumes the male role and protects his house? So much for tossing out gender stereotypes to let men be sensitive... And apparently, women aren't strong enough to defend themselves; they should cower and run away while their tough husbands uses their braun to save the day.

Which sets us up for:



25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.



Men are supposed to protect their wives from intruders, yet they shouldn't use a weapon? What are you supposed to use to stop this intruder--a melon baller?

Maybe the New York Times' "Modern Man" doesn't own a gun. But, we know plenty of modern women who do, and they would shoot an intruder dead. The only reason real modern women would try to "get away" is to flee from these effeminate embarrassments to our society.