NEW YORK—Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America’s Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity to spend money at the recently-launched Onion store. “These mugs and T-shirts bearing the Onion logo shall finally free us from the millstone of lucre so long weighing us down,” said 327 million Americans, jumping at the chance to turn out their pockets and unload their long-shouldered burden of coins and bills on an array of keychains, stickers, and various other Onion-branded merchandise. “With every dollar spent on hoodies and sweatshirts, it feels as if we are growing lighter and lighter. Look at us now, unmoored from our past monetary concerns! We’re practically flying! Flying!” At press time, mobs nationwide had been spotted tearing avarice-blinded citizens from their homes and forcing them to purchase 2019 Onion Calendars on penalty of death.

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