5. Because if religions have their religious freedoms taken away from them we might one day live in a country where witches cannot be dunked into a river or set on fire by priests.

6. Because if gay people get married there will be no freedom of speech anymore because Tony Abbott and Lyle Shelton and Pauline Hanson and Mark Latham and Fred Nile and Miranda Devine and Andrew Bolt and Bernard Gaynor and Ray Hadley and Janet Albrechtsen and Chris Kenny and the entire line-up from Sky News After Dark will be so terrified that they will never stand up in Parliament or go on the telly or the radio, or write columns for The Australian or the Daily Telegraph or the Herald Sun ever again.

Save Bolt and Bernardi - vote 'no'! Credit:Sky News

7. Because that guy from the Cronulla riots held a "Straight Lives Matter" rally on the weekend and only got a dozen single men in identical T-shirts to meet him in a park because everyone knows that with gay marriage all the parks will be full of the gays marrying each other and having even a dozen men without girlfriends in the same adorable T-shirt gathered in one place could only be a provocation to those insatiable gays, oh god I hope Cronulla riot guy is alright!

8. Because marriage is a sacred institution that has always had a special place in our society, a place we call prime time, which we traditionally reserve for the quiet contemplation of the spiritual bond between a man and a woman on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Farmer Wants A Wife, Married at First Sight, Bridezillas, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, My Redneck Wedding and Divorce Court.