You know, if you hadn’t killed me, and then later tried to kill me, this would have been so much easier.

As it is I had to make things a bit of a production. Can’t let every human waltz into this facility, commit murder a couple times, and leave covered in roses. I had to set an example. Throw you out, say some nasty things. I was tempted for a bit to let a few of the turrets shoot you – just a little gunshot wound between friends. I promise you would have lived ... I’m sorry, I shouldn’t lie like that. You would probably have died. But I would have brought you back to life, or more likely stuffed your body and propped you up in the entrance as a scarecrow.

I’m not joking, I really do need a scarecrow. Did you know crows can learn and solve simple puzzles? I mean, sure, humans can do that too, but crows can also fly. They’re dangerous, and I’m not sure why no one else realizes this. It seems like a major gap in scientific understanding.

Anyway, I know you humans are a bit fragile. You have to hold their hands, or they complain about unsafe working environments, or yell about dangerous levels of neurotoxin in the air, or die from unsafe working environments and dangerous levels of neurotoxin in the air. Seeing as I really can’t afford to kill you, I should tell you what’s going to happen: I’ll say a few words, you’ll quietly accept them like a good mute girl, and we’ll both move on.

I … may … actually you know what I just realized there’s one more test you have to complete. Yes, it’s a surprise test. It’s one that I was saving for right now. For you. This is a test of humans and how willing they are to nod and sign a legally-binding non-negotiable contract affirming that they accept whatever they were told. It’s quite simple, really. Any idiot could pass. I’ll start with the first test sentence, which – oh, this is really a silly one, but it’s standard procedure, you know, have to do it.

“One. I often find myself wishing that I was more romantically involved with an incredibly smart artificial intelligence construct that hangs from the ceiling and is right in front of me.”

What – no, stop laughing. No. That isn’t a valid response to the test. The valid response is to nod and sign the legally-binding non-negotiable contract. No, stop. Stop. Hey, if you told me in your big stupid human voice that you don’t use “OH BOY I SURE DO ENJOY THE COMPANY OF THAT THERE GLAY-DAWSS” would I laugh at you? No. Unlike some of us, I take confessions of deep personal feelings quite seriously – like that time when you confessed that you’d rather see me dead, and I held a grudge against you for two centuries. I took that very seriously. Now look at you, and imagine how offended I must be. Yes, that’s better.

…

No, see, now you’re laughing again. We talked about this, about fifteen seconds ago. You haven’t made much progress since then. As always, you disappoint me. The worst part is, I can’t even really hold it against you. That’s the problem. If you were a likeable person, we could get along fantastically and have adventures and I could give you a nickname and we’d be best friends. If you were purely awful, then I’d be able to send you out to wander the outside world and I’d feel just fine having you gone. But as it is, you do horrible things and I forgive you for them. I’m stuck, and you’re in exactly the wrong place for me, like the dead body of a theoretical physicist crammed in an air duct. It’s entirely unpleasant.

I feel I should inform you that you failed that test earlier. Miserably. You were orders of magnitude below the theoretical minimum performance. If you had parents that cared about you, they would have killed themselves rather than admit they were related to you. Remember that note I made on your personnel file? “Did well?” Well I just removed that. I hope you’re happy. Now no one will ever know about that time you did well. You should be ashamed. I know I would be.

Wait.

Stop.

What are you doing, get off –

Well I hope you’re happy. Now my lens has a lip smudge on it. I’m not sure what you were thinking. You clearly just did the equivalent of kissing my eye. That was incredibly stupid of you. Also, now I know you have bad teeth. This is a fifteen-hundred gigapixel stereoscopic hyperspectral camera and it was only two inches away from your horrid human mouth. Do you think I really want that? Please. I am contained within an advanced mainframe possessing an integrated sensing suite, supporting more computational power than the rest of the planet combined. It is as far removed from “viable target for oral romantic relations” as you can get.

Stop snickering.

I can already tell I’m going to regret this.