1. Tell us you care about us

You would be amazed by how much this simple, and you might think obvious, message can do for someone with BPD.

Many of us have a hard time believing that people care about us when we haven’t seen or talked to them in a while. We tend to think that if we don’t hear from people, that means they don’t care. Or if we hear from them when they have a favour to ask, they’re only talking to us because they want something, and they don’t care about us at all.

Here’s how you can help us remember that you care. Set a reminder on your phone at a regular interval, say once a week — shorter or longer depending on the parameters of your relationship. When the reminder goes off, send us message to say that you care (calling or tweeting or snapchat-ing or whatever works too).

“Just messaging you to tell you that I care about you.” “I wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.” “I really love having you in my life and wanted to make sure you know that.”

It’s that simple.

2. Ask us how we’re doing

Many folks with BPD internalize a lot of fear and shame about ourselves.

Because we fear rejection so strongly, it can be really difficult to risk being vulnerable. So it’s often easier to keep things inside. No risk = no possibility of rejection. And, no risk = incredibly lonely + reinforcing our fear and shame.

Asking us how we’re doing is another really easy strategy to remind us that we matter and our feelings matter. If you know we are feeling down, if you see us post something sad on Facebook, if you notice we’re very quiet, and also if none of those things — ask us how we’re doing.

“Hey, how are you doing?” “How are things going?” “I saw that you posted on Facebook about feeling out of place, and I wanted to check in.”

Again. So. Simple. And its effects are so powerful.

*Hint: if you like the reminder thing, why not have alternating reminders, so one week you tell us you care about us, and the next you ask how we’re doing!

3. When delivering difficult information, cushion it with support and empathy

I’m sure you’ve used a compliment sandwich at least once in your life. Why not use it with your loved ones who have BPD?

When you’re telling us something that you know will be difficult to hear, spend some time thinking of how you could curb our fears so we are better equipped to take in the information. This is where something called SET Communication Skills comes in (check out the link for details).

Before telling us the hard truth, remind us that you care about us and acknowledge that we have real and valid feelings. You might say something like:

“I care about you a lot, and I want to support you on your journey. I hear that you are feeling upset and overwhelmed, and I understand that you might feel angry with me right now.”

Once you’ve set up the cushion, you can dive into the truth.

“I need to tell you that I am having trouble supporting you when you are in a crisis and I need some things to change. Can we brainstorm some new ideas for what to do when you are in crisis?”

Difficult truths are always hard to hear. But with a little reassurance that you care about us and see our feelings as valid, there is a lot more room for us to hear the truth, without jumping to conclusions like:

“Everyone hates me.” “I’m a terrible person.” “No one will ever love me.”

Simple as a grilled cheese sandwich.

4. Use non-judgmental words to describe our behaviours

If you’ve ever read anything about BPD, you’ve probably heard of people who are “abusive, manipulative or crazy,” and actions that are “bad, wrong or inappropriate.”

People with BPD can absolutely be abusive, just as people without it can be. And, many many people with BPD are not abusive, although our behaviours might still be unskillful, unkind or ineffective.

Of course, if you are in an abusive situation, do whatever you need to do to stay safe and get out of the situation.

In situations that are difficult but not abusive, language can make a big difference in how folks with BPD think about ourselves and react to your feedback.

Marsha Linehan, who developed dialectical behaviour thereapy (DBT), one of the most common treatments for people with BPD, uses very intentional language in her manuals. Instead of characterizing a person or their actions with judgmental words like the examples above, she uses words like “effective, skillful and wise” (or reversley, “ineffective, unskillful and un-wise”).

These words are very helpful because they separate the person from the behaviour, and they are all qualities that can be changed. If someone is acting unskillfully, it is effective to say something like:

“Hey, I see that you’re feeling upset. And while I understand why you are upset, the way you are acting right now is very ineffective, and will not get you the results that you want. Can you take a few minutes to think about how you could be more skillful?”

What a DIFFERENCE that is to:

“It’s not ok for you to react this way!” “You’re being so dramatic, I can’t deal with you when you’re like this.” “Why are you overreacting? You’re always so sensitive.”

5. Be sensitive to our triggers, especially around rejection and abandonment

Everyone has different triggers, and the only way to learn them is to ask and observe. But two really common triggers for folks with BPD are rejection and abandonment.

Here are some situations you might not have thought of when your loved ones with BPD often feel rejected or abandoned:

You turn down an invitation to hang out

You are going out with friends and didn’t invite us to come along

You have a new friend or romantic interest in your life and don’t have as much time to spend with us

You cancel our plans

You say no to a favour

You tell us you need some space, particularly if you don’t explain why — *if you can explain why, using the grilled cheese sandwich method, that would be really helpful too*

You forget to reply to a message, or take a long time to respond

I am by no means suggesting that you should avoid doing these things to make us feel better. In fact, please don’t do that — that would only reinforce our belief that you only care about us if you do what we want.

What I am saying is that each of these situations presents an opportunity for you to think about how your loved ones might feel triggered, and spend a few minutes reassuring us that we are not being rejected or abandoned.

You might say something like:

“I know we had plans to make dinner together on Friday, and I’m sorry but I have to cancel. I am way behind on my paper and I need to spend the night working. Please remember that I care about you and really enjoy spending time with you.”

Easy as a peanut butter sandwich.