WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count, Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffing distance of being the Democratic candidate for the presidency of the United States.

Commentators point to Biden’s clear messaging about being a calming voice (directly into your ear, from far too close) in a troubled time, and his distinction from Sanders who “just lobs bombs from the sidelines” while Biden “gets things done” (like slowly massaging your shoulders without your consent).

Biden also made headlines by announcing during the debate that he would name a woman to be his running mate. While it is presumed that the woman will be one of his earlier challengers in the primary, it has not been ruled out that it might also be a random woman whose arm Biden grabs suddenly at a rally, or whose shoulder he squeezes unexpectedly during a donor lunch.

It is unclear whether the COVID-19 epidemic will impact Biden’s chances, as new social distancing norms make it difficult for him to practice his signature brand of hands-on politics. Still, he continues to please pundits with his steadfast leadership, bravery, and naked disdain for personal space, as he encourages voters to pack tightly into polling stations despite the virulent outbreak.

Bernie Sanders, by contrast, does appear to be farther and farther from clinching the nomination, which he is compensating for by getting louder and louder.