I’ve been waiting for this for so long. Pretty much my whole life.

I want to go in right now.

Yeah, let us in.

Is the press going to be here for this?

No, this is just a normal visit. No cameras. No med- wait here he comes.

Are we ready?

Aw… dad.

Inside the Iowa Football Complex

Gentlemen, I present to you: the practice field.

Wow!

Out of my way.

The recruits all sprint down to the field

Come with me, and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination.

Take a look and you’ll see, every stretch run from A-to-Z

If you want to view paradise.

Simply look around and view it.

Anything you want to, do it.

Want to punt from the opponent’s 40?

There’s nothing to it.

Daaaaaaaaaaad.

This place is huge.

It has everything you could want for an indoor facility. For us, it really is like a paradise. About the only down side you can think of, is that you can’t eat the place like Hansel and Gretel’s house.

Ferentz turns to find prized recruit August Muck trying to take a big bite out of the practice field turf.

What the hell are you doing?

It looked like shave coconut, I swear. Uhhh, it doesn’t taste like coconut. Ohhhhhhh my stomach. Oh it burns.

Ferentz pulls out a walkie-talkie

Yeah, this is Eagle 1, we got another guy trying to eat the turf.

Suddenly the garage door shoots up

What the hell is that? What the hell is that?

That’s Greg Davis, he’s the offensive coordinator. He’s from Loompaland, you know: Texas That’s Greg Davis, he’s the offensive coordinator. He’s from Loompaland, you know: Texas

I mean, why does he loo- I mean, why does he loo-

Tanning bed accident.

Ohhhhhhhh.

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo

I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee

If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What do you get when you guzzle down turf?

Eating something that only resembles the earth

Why would you even consider this field to be food?

You’d never survive as a Hawkeye.

(gives Davis a dirty look) That last line didn’t rhyme.

Doo-pa-dee doo…d

Better. Alright, let’s keep going, we have so much left to see.

The tour continues into a meeting room

Here is where you’ll meet with your position coaches. Here, have a seat. Now, we’re going to try something different this year and I want you guys to get an early look. But I need to stress this: do not let this information fall into the wrong hands.

(under his breath) Harbaugh.

Now, if you’ll look at this slide, you’ll see we are lined up with two tight ends on one side and a flank- Hey what are you doing?

I’m making a Vine for Twitter. Wait, do you want me to Snapchat this instead?

(Into walkie-talkie) Get him out of here.

What? What? You’re throwing me out? Greg Davis appears at the door.

Seriously? Fine I’m out of here. Hey, get your hands off of me, Orange-face.

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee do

I’ve got another puzzle for you

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee

If you are wise you you’ll listen to me

Social media is fine when it’s once in a while

It provides insight into your life, it makes people smile

But it’s repulsive, revolting and wrong

Tweeting and tweeting all day long.

So off you go your tour is through

Looks at a glowering Ferentz

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo.

Well, that’s enough here. Off we go.

The group stands in the hallway by a closet door.

Now this is one of the smaller rooms in the facility, but some will call this pay dirt.

Ferentz opens the door to a mountain of footballs

Holy shit.

Yeah, pretty impressive right?

Coach, you’re gonna let me have a free ball right?



No, no, no. We need those for practice throughout the season. Alright, let’s get out of here and head to ---

No coach, you don’t understand. I want one of those footballs. And I want it now.

If you sign here, you will have plenty of opportunities to hold a ball. Now let---

Vernon Pepper though will not take no for an answer. He sprints over to the nearest pile of footballs and grabs a handful. Just as a group of security guards grab him and pull him away.

What the hell was that?

He was a bad egg.

Well there’s just two of us left, do we have any place else to g---

Not yet, just wait.

Thirty seconds go by until...

I got here as fast as I could. Wait, is he gone already?

Yeah, they hauled him out about two minutes ago.

Oh well, I’ll get back to work.

Grreeeeeegggggg.

Sigh. Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo. I’ve got another puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee.

If you are wise you’ll listen to me.

Who do you blame when your kid wants the ball?

Pouting and whining until he finally gets the call.

We spread the ball around, everyone gets a view

Now that even includes freshmen. Doo-pa-dee doo.

I love this guy. Well, this tour has lost three really bad children, but fortunately we still have two good children right here.

I’m 33 years old.

Ahh, here we are. This is a treat. Here is a small studio where we record clips for the scoreboard.

Holy crap, a green screen. This is amazing. I cannot wait to show my stuff as a Hawkeye, talk to the world.

Well technically, I don’t really allow most of my true freshmen to talk with the media.

What?

You’re not ready for that kind of grilling from the Iowa media.

And the clips?

We film them in about one afternoon. Each guy gets about two minutes to do whatever. But I do have a list of no-nos:

No dancing

No hand signals

No winking

No pec bouncing

No smiling where we can see more than 12 of your teeth

No hats

No mutton chops

And… and… there’s always one I miss.

Oh yeah no dabbing.

Mike? Mike?

He’s gone.

Gone?

Yeah, he walked out.

This time I got a good one:

Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee do

I’ve got another puzz-

(to Brian) Let’s get out of here.

The two Ferentz boys enter an elevator.

Well, I guess that means that you win.

Wait, what? Win what?

You’re my successor now. You beat out everybody else.

Wait, you used this recruiting visit to select a successor?

Yep.

High school kids.

Yeah, now that I am hearing it out loud... it doesn’t sound as good. Anyway, you’re the guy. Congrats.

Thanks.

You know… there is one button in this elevator that has never been pressed. Gestures to a red button That is, until now. Go ahead.

Dad, what did you do?

You’ll see… press the button.

Brian presses the button. And the elevator screeches to a halt.

I think that was just the emergency stop button.

(taking off hat) Yeah. Yeah, that probably makes more sense.