One advantage to doing such an emotionally intense and physically demanding sport is that it means you can perform a lot of work on yourself as you approach the ring not to mention the time you spend inside it. Although I lost this fight in Bangkok, I left the ring more excited than I’ve felt in a long time exclaiming proudly to my kru that “I fixed my brain.”

When I fought Nong Neuy (a post I’ve since updated to be more brutally honest) a couple fights ago, my self-confidence took a massive nose dive. Since that fight, I’ve won fights and even won a belt but the enthusiasm and unending dedication and motivation that defines me as an athlete was just gone. There was never a silver lining. I won my belt, and stepped out of the ring thinking, “I should really give this back, I don’t deserve this.” I know I pulled out the work in the fifth round of that fight, I know I won the fight, but I didn’t feel I deserved a belt around my waist or even a win at all. This emotional despair combined with the physical stress of cutting weight and the unknown of a big fight in Bangkok resulted in two horrible weeks before my fight where I really just felt like bursting into tears and moaning about how hard training was and how I didn’t feel ready at all. It was as though I was going through the motions of being motivated. If I had to do 500 knees on the bag, I half-assed 500 weak and sloppy knees. I could still say I was doing the training I was supposed to, but with none of the intention or focus that makes these drills actually work.

Before my fight, hanging around Bangkok for weigh-ins, I was aware I was unprepared, and I honestly just wanted the fight to be over. I had plans to leave for a visa run, essentially a few days vacation, right after my fight, so I really just wanted to get through the fight and get on to my break.

The urgency of having a fight coming up pushed me to finally do something about this mopey attitude I presented, so the day of my fight I sat down and really gave some serious thought to what I’m doing. The disciplined athlete in my head asked me exactly that, “What on earth are you doing?!” I mean, fighting in Thailand is my dream. This is a lot of people’s dreams, and I’m lucky enough that I’m able to be here following it. The way I’m behaving is almost disrespectful of my decision to follow this dream. I’m fighting in Bangkok and I’ve been sitting around feeling sorry for myself because it’s hard? I took a serious look at exactly the kind of opportunities I have now. Look at who, where, and what I’m fighting for; I can’t halfass it anymore. I can’t just laze my way through training. And, what’s more, that’s NOT my style at all. Before I found Muay Thai, I prided myself in being a competitive climber. My main point of pride was this notebook I started, where I enumerated all my training. Every Sunday I sat down and wrote down every exercise I would complete during the week. Monday to Sunday, two times a day. Each exercise or targeted set of exercises had an empty checkbox next to it so I ended up with maybe 20 checkboxes for each day, about 5 hours of work. I never ever left a checkbox unchecked. Every day, two times a day. No coach, no teammates. That’s who I am as an athlete. Unwaveringly disciplined and motivated, with a singular mind towards my goals. So the girl who’s been training for the last few weeks, I don’t recognize her at all.

My little meditations really shook me awake again. I felt completely motivated to perform my best. I wanted to be in that ring. I remembered that I love this, I remembered that I believe in myself and I didn’t care if my kru believed in my too, or if he felt I was ugly and slow. And even if I am ugly and slow, I don’t care because I believe that I will get to where I want to be.

I was supposed to be third on the card, but as we walked over they called to tell us we were first. This sort of thing has shaken me up before, hastily getting my hands taped and rushing through the warm up massage has left me feeling hurried and stressed in the ring. It’s like when you’re late for a plane. Even once you sit down in your seat before take off, it takes a few minutes to calm down. So again I was confronted with barely being ready before being thrown into the ring. My cornermen weren’t in my corner until I finished sealing the ring, and even though it was a televised fight and we weren’t supposed to wai kru to save air time, they told me to go through it and slowly because someone lost my mouthguard and they needed the time to find it. Even through all this chaos, I felt like I was my own calm little center of the earth. I felt completely collected through the fight.

I lost because of the experience difference, her 80 fights to my 14, but also because of the way that I let myself down during the training for this fight. But I came to terms with a new future for my training, calculated, clear, and with intention. I got back to my room and picked out a notebook, opened to a blank page, and wrote out a new schedule for myself with blank checkboxes next to each exercise. Every day. Two times a day. Never a checkbox unchecked.