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Whoever said kids are supposed to make parents happy?

Boston Herald ^ | June 17, 2006 | Betsy Hart

Posted on by Irontank

Does Fatherhood Make You Happy? Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert asks in Time magazine this week in anticipation of Fathers Day on Sunday.

Gilbert eventually arrives (well, sort of) at the right answer: Its the wrong question to ask.

But its the perfect question for our all about me culture. Isnt everything I do in life supposed to make me happy - right now?

Gilbert writes that psychologists have found that people are less happy when they are interacting with their children than when they are doing a variety of other activities, like eating or shopping.

Gee, do ya think?

In fact, an act of parenting makes most people about as happy as an act of housework.

Look, Im crazy about my kids. Im happy to see them get up in the morning and happy to see them go to bed at night. Often there are times of happiness and laughter with them - along with sheer exasperation in-between. But what makes me really, really happy in the moment is a weekend night when they are asleep and I can sit up late with my jazz music, a cup of hot tea and my favorite newspaper. I mean, thats transcendent happiness!

Whoever said its my kids job to make me happy right . . . now?

Raising kids is hard work. Recently, friends from Virginia visited my kids and me for the weekend. Though Im pretty good about imposing grownup zones and limiting interruptions, four young kids say Mom so much - as in Mom, I need . . ., Mom, where is . . .?, Mom, so-and-so hit me. - I mentioned to my friends that I was determined to figure out how to count the number of Moms I heard in a day, and then maybe impose a limit on each child. And if the child reaches the limit by, say, 10:30 in the morning - he or she is done.

Anyway, a half-hour later my 4-year-old piped up with Mom-something, and one of my friends said, Thats 46. Shed been counting; 46 Moms in one-half hour.

Of course, Im happier in the moment with the jazz music and the paper.

And yet I also recognize that one of the very best things about having children is that, in a sense, like a rightly oriented marriage, it calls us away from self and toward other. And if ever a culture needed exactly that, this one does.

Gilbert eventually explains that with kids its not about a transient notion of happiness, but transcendent abiding joy. In admitting that our children dont necessarily bring us a daily dose of happiness, he writes: Rather than deny that fact, we should celebrate it. Our ability to love beyond all measure those who try our patience and weary our bones is at once our most noble and most human quality.

And, I would argue, only when we connect to something bigger than its all about me are we stretched to experience real joy and satisfaction - in a way no animal can and even when our children are behaving like animals! Im certainly not saying this has to, or can only, come through our kids. I am saying that only in very recent years would our culture even think to pose a question like, Does Fatherhood Make You Happy? And that does not bode well for this or future generations.



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To: Irontank

Kids just make you antsy, grandkids make you happy.



by 2 posted onby ladtx ("It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it." -- -- General Douglas MacArthur)

To: Irontank

Gilbert writes that psychologists have found that people are less happy when they are interacting with their children than when they are doing a variety of other activities, like eating or shopping. I think it depends on how much time you invest in them when they are young. Now that my daughter is 10, the happiest moments of my week are the hours I spend with her.



by 3 posted onby Philistone (Turning lead into gold...)

To: Irontank

I once heard that the wonder of marriage is not how adults produce children, it's how children produce adults.



by 4 posted onby Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)

To: Irontank

Understand that they're going to grow up and leave, maybe then you can realize the gift you have now.



by 5 posted onby stevio (Red-Blooded Crunchy Con American Male (NRA))

To: Irontank

Went through the "joys" of infertilty --- then the joys of twins and many other children (once the engine got running, it ran).



It's great being tackled by my girls who ambush me (dressed as Injuns) almost every day after work.



(Mrs. MWT calls and tips me off to the dirty clothes dead falls and other traps layed in my path.)



by 6 posted onby MeanWestTexan (Many at FR would respond to Christ "Darn right, I'll cast the first stone!")

To: Philistone

My 6 year old is a delight. I don't think there is a way in the world that I would change her even if I could. Is she constantly well behaved? ... no....like I said...she's 6. but apart from that, I think she's a constant pleasure, and I couldn't be more happy with her and proud of her.



And I tell her this about 12 million times a day.



Does parenting make me happy? I think like most things, you get out of it what you put into it... and in my case it absolutely does.



To: Izzy Dunne

A lot of wisdom in that!



To: Irontank

So the author laments the "me" culture, and then says his happiest times are when he has his "me" time? Dumb.



by 9 posted onby vpintheak (What's worse, a liberal or a know it all posing as a Conservative?)

To: Irontank

Aristotle asks at the beginning of his Ethics what the ultimate aim is for our human life, that final goal for the sake of which all other human activities are engaged in. What he arrives at is a word that has been translated into English as "Happiness". We strive for everything else for the sake of happiness, but we strive for happiness only for its own sake. It is the ultimate good for a human.



But, then, what isn't so clear from a casual reading of his work is what he means by "happiness". He does not mean some temporary or even permanent pleasurable feeling state, which would be the prevalent definition in our current society. He instead defines it as a life being lived, or having been lived, according to virtue. It satisfies, therefore, on a much deeper level, regardless of the momentary or enduring pleasures. And I believe this understanding is all too often what is missing in our culture, as evidenced by people sitting around worrying whether raising children is fun or pleasurable.



by 10 posted onby dagogo redux (I never met a Dem yet who didn't understand a slap in the face, or a slug from a 45)

To: Irontank

What does "happiness" have to do with raising children?



Raising children is a duty imposed upon those who conceive the children, or assume the obligation. Whether you do the job well and derive a sense of satisfaction, or poorly and allow the frustration to feed upon you, is partly circumstances, and partly an act of will on your part. Only when the major part of the mentoring of a younger generation is past, is there any way to measure how "happy" you are with the results.



But the job never ends. The best you can do is lead by example, and hope the young do not kill or maim themselves for life as they grope through the lessons of how to cope with their surroundings and thrive.



Sometimes they will surprise you. Only at that moment are you rewarded with true happiness.



To: Irontank

Kids are like cops.



I dont hate 'em, I just feel better when they aren't around.



To: Irontank

The time spent with my children is some of the happiest and most satisfying times of my life. I'd much rather spend time with them than have "ME" time!!!!



To: Irontank

Let's hope the "Me" generation does not include Dads who look to their children, or anyone else, for their happiness. The point of having children is to provide the world with healthy, well educated and self disciplined people to carry on the species. Other than continuing the gene pool with love and care, that is. Children are to love, and discipline is part of loving. The "Me" generation, lack of discipline, was created by one Dr. Benjamin Spock. Later in life, when he could see what he'd caused, he actually apologized! Unfortunately, it has survived him. Anyone ever watch "The Nanny?" Parents don't seem to have a clue as to how to raise a child these days, speaking generally, of course. Fortunately there are those of us who avoided Spock's advise in the fifties. But, alas, those offspring have perpetuated Spock's ill advised myths. Thus most kids ask "what's in it for me?" A strong and loving Dad was obviously missing in their lives.



by 14 posted onby Paperdoll (.........on the cutting edge)

To: Irontank

I have three BOYS, they are boy boys, everthing from worms in my freezer (dug up for fishing at a later time), to broken windows from baseballs, to a dirtbike/bmx track with a homemade jump in my yard, etc. Do they drive me absolutely crazy??? Hell yeah, especially the 15 year old who know everything about everything, I don't know how I managed to live all these years without his advice. They've given me more heart palpitations than I can count and literally are like termites when it comes to food. I also have the "Kool Aid" house which means on any given day there are at the least 3 extras here. However, every night I thank god for giving me these boys and my husband and I have a nightly laugh about some off the wall thing they have either done or said. "Me" time comes when I'm asleep.



To: vpintheak

So the author laments the "me" culture, and then says his happiest times are when he has his "me" time? Dumb. Bingo. I'll never forget the time my oldest went on his first sleep over. I did not like that feeling. The world was 'not right'. There are lots of 'me' things I'd like to do, too. I figure that crap can wait for a few more years.



by 16 posted onby LasVegasMac (Islam........not fit for human consumption.)

To: Irontank

Hobbies make you feel good. Parenting is a job. Who likes work?



To: Irontank

A very good response to that stupid article in time. Thanks for posting it.



by 18 posted onby jocon307 (The Silent Majority - silent no longer)

To: LasVegasMac

I do not look forward to any of that stuff for any of my 3 kids. (Oldest is 5 in November)



by 19 posted onby vpintheak (What's worse, a liberal or a know it all posing as a Conservative?)

To: vpintheak

I do not look forward to any of that stuff for any of my 3 kids. (Oldest is 5 in November) Yea, and to think the wife and I were talking about "peace and quiet". Ha. 30 minutes later it was, "Nope, this is not right....this sucks!" Strange how they (4 yrs apart) fight all the time, but when one is not here the other one always says, "I wish xxxx would come home!" Life is good.



by 20 posted onby LasVegasMac (Islam........not fit for human consumption.)

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