In examining the lack of accountability for corporations’ continued criminal malfeasance, Daily Show host Jon Stewart relied on the words of TV antihero Don Draper from Mad Men.

“That’s what the money is for!” Stewart yelled in his best Jon Hamm impression. “It’s that old saying, ‘Don’t do the crime if you can’t pay the nominal fine.'”

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While JPMorgan Chase’s $13 billion settlement with the Justice Department sounds big, Stewart said (“That’s like making John Carter 52 times”), it was peanuts compared to the company’s taking in more than $20 billion last year.

“It’s costing them 52 John Carters,” Stewart surmised. “But they earned enough to make 80 John Carters. Life was so much easier to comprehend before we moved to a John Carter-based financial system.”

In a horror story that hit closer to home for him, Stewart also complained that he has been unable to trust Johnson & Johnson — which had to pay more than $2 billion for faulty hip implants — after trying their “no more tears” shampoo on his young son’s eyes, only to be blown away by hearing about the company’s methods of avoiding prosecution.

“Holy f*ck,” he said, aghast. “They knowingly bribed doctors to give useless drugs to old people, the disabled and and babies. You’re not even allowed to do that in Grand Theft Auto.”

Watch Stewart’s commentary on corporate America, as posted online on Wednesday, below.