Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Note: Oh dear...Senator Max Baucus just sneezed. I do hope he has adequate health insurance!

-

By the Numbers:

Days 'til Independence Day: 11

Days `til the African American Heritage Festival in Baltimore: 10

Minimum number of private golf clubs that are in trouble because of the economy: 500

(Source: The Washington Post via The Week)

Rank of "To-do lists" among things Americans think about in the shower: #1

Rank of "Sex": #5

(Source: USA Today)

Maximum amount by which Beijing's air was more polluted during the 2008 Summer Olympics than during the Athens, Atlanta and Sydney games: 3.5 times

(Source: Environmental Science and Technology)

Percent chance that Senator Max Baucus has adequate health insurance: 100%

-

Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

Obama, his bitter queen, his administration, the progressive/socialists in Congress, and "Obama’s Americrooks and Cronies" are latter-day Carpetbaggers. The RINOs are Scalawags! This time their aim is not the vindictive Reconstruction of the South; it is the vindictive Re-Construction of our Constitution, our representative government, our freedom, and our way of life. ---Commenter "Little Ma" at the Michelle Malkin blog

All together now: One...two...three... Scalawags!

-

Puppy Pic of the Day: Hitting the trifecta of goodness---Colbert...Hanks...Puppy.

-

CHEERS to peace in our time. And now, a brief message from Iranian TV: "Nothing to see here. Please move along. We're fine. Nothing but fluffy clouds and rainbows and scattered unicorn sightings. Pay no attention to the rebellion you are witnessing with your own eyes but which we assure you is not happening here. Our Supreme Leader will be handing out free cookies and ice cream tomorrow. Have a pleasant day and death to Twitter...itter...itter...itter..." Oh, that's gotta be embarrassing when their newsbots skip. They should do what Fox does with O'Reilly...spritz a little WD-40 down the gullet.

JEERS to opportunism at all costs. Poor whiny babies in the GOP---they're trying to raise money by scaring their sheeple over Obama's Supreme Court nominee. C&J has obtained a copy of their latest mailer. It's got Frank Luntz paw prints all over it:

Dear Republican, The country is at a dangerous crossroads. If Judge Sonia Sotomayor is allowed to sit on the Supreme Court, this country will go down the tubes. Just look at how dangerous she is: she's Latino, a woman, empathetic, and has already bamboozled the Senate twice ---in 1992 and 1998!!! Suffice it to say she's dangerous. Turn off your damn brain and trust us! Send us money. We know where you live. Sincerely, Your Republican Leadership

"White, Old and Southern--and Damn Proud of It"

Rush Limbaugh, Chairman P.S. Sotomayor...or Sotomonster? Can we really afford to find out? GIVE NOW! Lockstep, bitches!

So far they've raised 40 dollars and a box of canned goods. Mitch McConnell calls dibs on the beef stew.

CHEERS to catchin' the wave. Kudos to Chris Dodd for doing something that politicians do all too rarely: change his mind:

I have always been proud of my long record fighting for the civil rights of the LGBT community. I’ve co-sponsored legislation to strengthen hate crime laws and end discrimination in the workplace. I’ve spoken out against "don’t ask, don’t tell" and always supported equal rights for domestic partnerships. But I am also proud to now count myself among the many elected officials, advocates, and ordinary citizens who support full marriage equality for same-sex couples. ... [M]any of the things we must do to make our union more perfect---whether it’s fighting for decades to reform our health care system or struggling with a difficult moral question---are hard. They take time. And they require that, when you come to realize that something is right, you be unafraid to stand up and say it.

Thank you, sir. If my partner and I ever tie the knot, you get the first dance.

CHEERS to Bushies in the clink? Here's the Cliff's Notes summary: Bush Justice Department attorney John Yoo is a dick for, among other things, giving the green light to torture. Alleged enemy combatant and torturee Jose Padilla sues John Yoo for being a dick. The judge says, "Y'know what, Jose? It's quite possible Mr. Yoo might, in fact, be a dick." That sound you hear might be the cork popping from the champagne bottle of truth and justice:

No judge likes to be first; now White has taken that step. If other courts follow the lead of Judge White and the 9th Circuit, new evidence will surely emerge, further bolstering other detainees' claims. And that's why Padilla v. Yoo could become a landmark. The continued pressure emanating from the federal courts could push Congress to establish a truth commission or even Attorney General Holder to appoint a special prosecutor. Accountability for torture has slipped out of the news lately. But it will come back.

Before this goes any further, just let me say that I don’t favor hanging torture-enablers like Mr. Yoo, even though that's what we did to Japanese thugs after World War II. Solitary confinement with one hour of exercise a day will suffice. And, because we're not completely heartless, they'll have access to back issues of The Weekly Standard, just in case they want to masturbate.

CHEERS to Things That Go Clackety-Clack for $200, Alex. On June 23, 1868, Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for his "Type-writer," the first to have the famous QWERTY sequence on its upper keys. Today bloggers who can't think of anything for their subject line typically go south for the edgier and more mysterious "asdf." And the day someone decides to drop down to "zxcv"? Anarchy, I tell you.

JEERS to blowing another circuit on my spellchecker. Pat Buchanan hosted an event over the weekend to try and figure out how rub the taint off the Republican brand. He and his cohorts spoke at a lectern under a banner that read: 2009 National Conferenece. Which is especially funny when you consider they were trying to spell "Hootenanny."

CHEERS to 1-900-CLARENCETHOMAS. Twenty years ago today, the Supreme Court refused to shut down the dial-a-porn industry. The justices in the majority were the ones with one ear bigger than the other.

P.S. Today is Clarence Thomas's 61st birthday. Today you'll find a little something, er, special on top of your Coke can, sir. We all chipped in.

P.P.S. The Minnesota Supreme Court promises to get to their Franken/Coleman ruling just as soon as they finish the final round of their Tetris tournament. (Hey, cut 'em some slack...there's a sixpack of PBR on the line.)

-

Five years ago in C&J: June 23, 2004

JEERS to Bottom-line medicine. Supreme Court says HMOs can give you and your brain tumor the finger. Now shut up and lie back...you're making the leeches nervous.

JEERS to ready-fire-aim justice. Turns out many of the Guantanamo prisoners, who Cheney calls "the worst of a bad lot," are neither bad nor worst...but innocent. Quick---someone haul in Judge Wapner to bring some sanity to this nonsense.

-

And just one more...

JEERS to the scandal that won’t go away. On June 12th the normally-unflappable state of Maine disintegrated into an all-out tut-tutting match after a Bonny Eagle High School student was denied his diploma at graduation because he blew an on-stage kiss to his family, and other students were denied diplomas (one was escorted out by a cop) after a couple inflatable toys got bounced around in the audience. Since then there's been much finger-pointing and closed-door meetings and heated hearings and cries of emotional distress and a superintendent gone mad---MAD I TELL YOU! Now the students and their families are lawyering up, meaning this sorry spectacle may not end until the accused students are attending their own kids' graduations. But perhaps the best lesson in all this is contained in a humble letter to the editor of the Portland Press Herald, in which the writer suggests: "This whole episode could have been prevented had the students stopped with the beach balls after they had launched the rubber duck." A wise assessment, in our opinion...and a metaphor for the ages.

Oh, and good news: the mystery of Governor Mark Sanford's strange disappearance has been solved. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

-

Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

In Cheers and Jeers it's hard to know where Woody Allen leaves off and Bill in Portland Maine begins. Not that it's a good thing.

---USA Today

-