My friend over at SurvivorSucks, Snoods ,was kind enough to put this list of Raven’s Illnesses together for us. Snoods made a list of all of Raven’s illnesses and injuries in the house. Snoods fail to mention that Raven and or her family have set up a whole bunch to GoFundMes and other assorted bullshit to raise money for this moron. While it seem clear she actually has gastroparesis and got a “pacemaker” put in her stomach, ain’t nobody dying of nothing. Plus she seems to be eating non stop after production agreed to make her a Have Not for the entire summer.

1) She is dying of two terminal diseases. She has been sick since she was 8 (or 15). One is Raven’s Disease, which is so rare only she and a family in Sweden have it. She is also dying of gastroparesis. Whichever one gets her first, I guess.

2) She, her brother and her mother need a new pacemaker every year. (Can’t they just replace the battery?)

3) She can’t have children because her uterus is too small and one of her ovaries is fucked. She needs a hysterectomy, in fact her doctor was insisting she have one before she entered the BB house. She wants $25,000 so she can freeze her eggs. (We need, nay must freeze her eggs, STAT! We can’t let this stellar bloodline of disease ridden, pedosexual, scamming, grifting hillbillies die out!)

4) She needs knee surgery.

5) She has arthritis.

6) She has endometriosis, which she says is a rash all over her organs. (I hate when my internal organs get all itchy! Next month is Endometriosis Organ Rash Awareness Month, please buy my plastic bracelets to help pay for my new car, I mean find a cure.)

7) She had to get four, I mean five stitches when she fell down the BB stairs. She was checked for a concussion, and hurt her elbow, butt, and head.

8) She has one, I mean two years to live.

9) Her mother’s gastro was activated when she gave birth to Raven, but her brother’s hasn’t been activivated yet he has it, and will need a new pacemaker every year. (I know, it’s confusing.)

10) She has a mutated chromosome 10. She also has the gene that will pass the disease on to her kids, but her brother doesn’t.

11) She had to get 11 stitches when a pair of scissors got stuck in her leg when she was taking out some trash. Her friend who is an RN stitched her up at her house.

12) She has had 8 surgeries.

13) She has died twice on the operating table.

14) When her pacemaker stops working she will starve to death.

15) She has had a concussion.

WILL SHE LIE MORE THAN CALEB REYNOLD’S SPOOL OF LIES?

16) Every nerve in her body will die, and her organs will die.

17) Her leg muscles deteriorate every year, she can tell a difference in them just from last year. She hurts worse every day.

18) An iphone will turn off her pacemaker if placed on her stomach.

19) She (her pacemaker) will explode if she goes under 10 feet of water.

20) Her mom has said both she and Raven have had their colons removed.

21) She can’t eat steak or she will die. Well, she won’t die but she will scream for hours. But hamburger is okay. She can’t eat chicken. (Yet she does.) Thor doesn’t like milk. (Yet she drinks it all the time and eats ice cream like there is a famine.) She can’t eat hot dogs. I mean “I CAYUNT EAT HOT DOGS MATTHEW BILLY BOB CLINES! Or whatever his middle name is.)

Umm, chicken parm!

22) She has an inverted spine.

23) She cut her finger when frying pans were flying all around.

24) She says she broke her hand and walked around with it encased in a ziplock baggie for several hours, but then it was suddenly fine.

25) Her mother says her parents have sold their cars and boats and mortgaged everything they own to pay for their surgeries, but Raven and her brother are driving brand new cars. (Sucks for their grandparents who are traveling by Greyhound now!)

26) Tragic burn to her chest while cooking.

27) Coffee table knee injury, while nursing a hand injury. Yet managing to hold on to her feed bag.

28) Chipped tooth. Yet pushing through it by scarfing overcooked hard cookies.

29) Open, gaping holes left in her stomach after her surgery, in which she could see inside her stomach. There was blood and pus oozing out. After her scissor mishap, she could see the meat in her leg. (Girl is always having portals to her insides and organs. Maybe that’s how she discoverd her endometriosis organ rash.)

30) She is suffering through horrible cramps and pain from her period, hers is the worst because of her disease. (Yet even while enduring agonizing pain, she manages to make sure she has enough shoulder showing. Because she is a warrior. )

31) Her brother will pass away quicker from the disease, because it hits men harder than women, doctors don’t know why.

32) Her grandparents carry the gene. (If they get ill and need to go to the doctor they’ll need to call Raven for a ride, since they sold all their assets for her surgery.)

33) Her hair is going to fall out. (I bet Matt’s dick is hard now!)

34) Mama Munch’s kidneys are not where they are supposed to be. (Where the fuck are they? Are they inverted?)

35) Her body doesn’t produce enough progesterone, and her nerves from her other disease are infecting it, so w/o the really expensive cream she uses she literally will be in the hospital every time she has her period, screaming.

36) They keep her for hours at airports, she was crying because they thought she was a terrorist, no lie.

37) She had chicken quesadillas at Outback Steakhouse and spent two days in the hospital with food poisoning. (Mama Munchausen must have been a little heavy handed with the Ipecac syrup that day. Allegedly.)

38) She was awake during a surgery because the epidural was in backwards.(This one really cracks me up. How did they put it in backwards, was the doctor standing on his head? Epidurals aren’t meant to put you sleep. If she was supposed to be asleep, why didn’t she just say “Hey doctor, I’m awake!”)

39) Random head injury.

40) She almost didn’t come on the show because her mother was at the end of her life, she was so sick and facing multiple surgeries.

41) She stopped growing at age 13. Her disease stunted her growth. (Nothing at all to do with having short parents!)

42) There is only one doctor who specializes in Raven’s Disease and he is about to retire, other doctors say it’s all in her head.

43) She was told she could no longer dance but she ignored doctors and went ahead and danced. (She still can’t dance. Heh.)

THIS GIRL MAKES PHAEDRA PARKS LOOK LIKE AN AMATEUR LIAR!

44) The FDA (although she said earlier that the device wasn’t FDA approved) had a bad batch of pacemakers and hers shorted out.

45) She signed her life away to live. Her doctor can do whatever he wants to her, he can cut her open for shits and giggles.

46) When she was 8 a serial killer knocked on her door, but she didn’t answer it. (Shucks.) The previous night a neighbor claimed to have seen a masked man peeping through her bedroom window, but neglected to call the police (probably thought it was one of her brothers), and didn’t tell Mama Munch about it for several days.

47) She has thyroid problems. (What kind of problems, underactive, overactive? Inverted? The world wants to know!)

48) She was dropped during a ballroom dance and hit her chin, which resulted in a concussion (I believe this concussion is referring to #15, but I will add it again just in case), a brain bleed, and seven stitches. And another scar. (We need an entirely different list for all of her scars!)

49) She has now self-diagnosed salmonella in her finger.

I thought it would be easier to keep it all organized together. I’ll update her latest maladies soon. It’s like a full time job!

I also use her own grammar and words as much as possible, except for when it’s in parentheses.