OPINION: It's tough being a man, particularly in this new dystopian age of witch hunts and women refusing to let you grope them. Are you even allowed to hug women with whom you share an entirely professional relationship with anymore? Innocent, well meaning huggers are demanding to know.

Before I go any further, of course we all know that 99.99999999 per cent of men are decent blokes who would never harm anyone let alone a woman person. I mean, some of these men own wives and daughters, for heaven's sake! No one knows better than them how females wish to be treated. They are number one at knowing what women want.

But there are always exceptions to the rule. While acknowledging the inherent gender heroics of men, we can at least admit that some of them have been guilty in the past of crossing the line or taking things a little bit too far. Now, there's nothing wrong with a bit of locker room banter particularly when everyone agrees that it's just a joke (especially the guys with allegations of sexual assault against their names). Nor should there be anything wrong with greeting women in a friendly way, like with a hug or a kiss or maybe a jocular hand on their bottom or even up their skirt. If anything, it's a compliment and the only women who complain about compliments are the ones who never receive any.

Still, there's no doubt we're in a bit of strife right now when it comes to this kind of fun, harmless, in no way shape or form abusive behaviour. We know it doesn't mean anything - I mean, just look at how many men confirm that! If these kinds of actions were creepy or intrusive or downright illegal, why would so many men insist that they weren't?

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Has dogmatic feminism really gone so far that men can't even be trusted to know what they did and didn't intend when they trapped a female colleague in their office and offered to masturbate in front of her?

Where is the hashtag movement to #believemen?

Having said that, it's best we soldier on carefully. Feminism might be a dying movement on its way out with more and more women turning away from it except for the ugly ones, but we also know that it's a powerful beast that's rapidly tearing through the world and taking over government institutions and legislative bodies and it is extremely dangerous.

Friends, while it's important to maintain vigilance by way of commenting negatively on every single article or social media thread you find that even tangentially mentions women in a positive way (and no one can stop you, because your freedom of speech gives you permission to demand that everyone else, but especially women, stop writing about and posting things you don't like), it's also worth considering if you might change some of the behaviour that those snowflake women keep complaining about.

Not because they're right, god no! But everything's so confusing now. Can you even smile at a woman now without being arrested? Pretty soon they'll be throwing men in prison for even thinking about a woman. Yes friends, the situation really is that serious.

So here are some things you can do to keep yourself safe from the scourge of the feminist witch hunt that's currently threatening to take over the planet while being simultaneously ignored by everyone who is sensible.

1. DON'T SEXUALLY ASSAULT ANYONE

Even if you think it's just a bit of a casual joke and you didn't really mean to accidentally grab that woman's breasts or humorously have sex with her when she explicitly told you she didn't want to do that with you, it's probably a good idea to just abandon any attempts at levity for the time-being. Not everyone understands good comedy, especially when it walks so close to the edge. I get that you thought even if the woman in question didn't laugh, at least you and your friends would, but it might be a good idea to ease up on that kind of thinking for the next, oh I don't know, four or five million years.

2. REASSESS YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORD 'COMPLIMENT'

A compliment is something that makes people feel good about themselves, not something that makes them feel gross, ashamed, dirty, embarrassed, under threat or at risk of being sexually assaulted (even as a joke!). In fact, almost no women like to be addressed by strangers as "fat slut" or "show us your tits" or even "sit on my dick, whore!" which is totally weird I know because that seems like the kind of thing men would love to be constantly bombarded with on the street, especially when it's coming from other men they don't know who happen to be driving by in cars.

Here's an idea: stop talking to women you don't know unless it's to tell them something important like, "Hey! You dropped your phone!" or "Excuse me, there's a meteor headed straight for you!"

Remember: how she makes your penis feel (excited! sad! angry!) is not important and never will be. When dealing with women whose acquaintance you have already made as either a friend, work colleague or woman who serves you at the pub, please limit yourself to the safe option of using her name.

Being a man in today's world can be hard and confusing, but it's amazing how much difference can come from making these two small changes!

However, if you're still confused about whether or not you're allowed to even smile at women any more or if you're worried that the witch hunt is coming for you, here's an even better solution: barricade yourself in your home, refuse all interaction with women entirely and shield yourself from society completely.

It's a jungle out there, and no man is safe.

This is a satirical opinion piece.