I have been reading stories of women who have gone through what I have. On one hand it makes me feel less alone. On the other it makes me think dying of cancer would be a blessing.



Two years ago I had a uterine biopsy. I had gone in for what I thought was a routine appointment and to find out about the slight abdominal discomfort I had. They told me I needed a biopsy and wanted to do it right then. The doctor was a woman. She lied about how much it would hurt. "It's not any worse than a pap smear" she said "You'll be fine. You can drive yourself home and go to work." she said. I was scared but cancer scared me more. I had uterine polyps. She prepped me by giving me two Motrin (which I am highly tolerant to and I told her that) 10 minutes before she started. (No numbing, no shots, - just Motrin.)



As I expressed to her that I could feel pain radiating down into my legs and up into my chest she said "Oh that hurts? I just grabbed your cervix with a clamp." I immediately told her I wanted her to stop. She told the nurse to pull down hard on the clamp. I again told he to stop that I didn't want to do this as the pain made my head swim. She said "No, It will be fine, just breathe and hold still." I started to say "NO!" But the pain! I saw stars! I was screaming and begging god to make it stop! I was sure the waiting room could hear me. When she got done she told me I didn't have a high pain tolerance. (BItch! I have suffered from very heavy bleeding and debilitating menstrual cramps since I was 11. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother with pain meds because they dont' work for the cramps! Don't tell me I have a low tolerance!) At least that's what I was thinking. I was shaking and the nurse said I didn't look good. They made me drink a nasty juice box and eat some stale crackers. I wanted to throw up. They told me to get dressed. I was bleeding and didn't have a pad. When the nurse came back she wanted to know why I wasn't dressed. I asked her for a pad. She threw one on the counter and walked out.



It was with sheer force of will I walked out of the tourture chamber and got into my car. I was in so much pain! I almost passed out driving home. I could bearely walk into my house. I collapsed onto the floor and called a friends mom. She was a retired OB nurse. She hit the roof. She treated me for shock over the phone and told me that what had happened to me was cruel and wrong. I ended up immediately finding a male doctor at another clinic. He immediately scheduled a DNC. After he told me that I had a super thick uterine lining and that normally he would have recommended a hysterectomy for a woman in my condition but that I was of childbearing age. (Not that my age should have anything to do with it! I thought) He put me on progesterone. My body was in constant pain. Everything hurt and my breasts hurt so much it hurt to breathe! I couldn't live like that. He put me on birth control. I cried so much I went to a psychologist! When I stopped taking the BC, I stopped crying. I was fine. I have also been living with the other thing my surgeon said. "If you don't take progesterone, it's not a question of if, but on when, you will get uterine cancer. You will have it by menopause."



Even the fear of cancer doesn't override my panic attacks every time i try to make a doctor's appointment. I am going to therapy but it's a slow process. My biggest regret is not having pressed charges, reported or done something about the bitch who medically raped me! I cannot and will not put myself through that again. I'd rather die! But I prefer to live. I am hoping to get the courage to go back to a doctor soon so I can convince him (I will never let a woman touch me again!) to do a complete hysterectomy and take out the ovaries and cervix too! Just be gone and done with it all! No more biopsies, no more vaginals, just one surgery and it's over! I could go on with my life!