WASHINGTON—Feigning polite interest throughout the 90-minute meeting, Pentagon officials from all five branches of the armed forces listened in silence Thursday as Mike Pence presented his detailed plans for a state-of-the-art angel-guided weapons system. “Though we are grateful for the vice president’s interest in national defense, the prospect of using seraphim-targeted bombs and heretic-seeking missiles to protect America from hostile sinners is not feasible, nor indeed useful, at this time,” said Secretary of Defense James Mattis, graciously thanking Pence for his hand-drawn schematics of a proposed Holy Ghost cloaking device that would allow planes to fly undetected above the homes of prostitutes and thieves. “Obviously, we cannot plan our defense against North Korea around the face of God appearing before Kim Jong-un and turning him into a pillar of salt, but it’s not like I can tell the vice president of the United States to stop talking. Luckily, he wound down after explaining how the Gabriel’s Trumpet Alert System worked, which is just as well, because apparently the idea behind it is that we would just all ascend bodily into Heaven, which in many ways contradicts our current strategic goals.” The National Guard, however, may consider Pence’s contingency plans for non-lethal counters to possible civil unrest, saying the idea of a crowd-dispersing holy water cannon is “not completely without merit.”

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