CALGARY — With only two rolls remaining and the grocery stores empty, local pipe fitter Trevor Bilton has reported considering alternative toilet paper options during his COVID-19 quarantine: namely a t-shirt from a 2010, “Joggin for Noggin” fun run.

“Ya, in an ideal world I’d be using toilet paper but I can’t find any, not even a napkin, or a cotton ball and I’ve never really worn that shirt, so…” stated an increasingly nervous Bilton as he surveyed the cartoon artichoke running across the front of the shirt.

With self, and enforced, isolation in full swing across North America, adjustments have to be made and people have to adapt. For this reason, Bilton is considered somewhat of a pioneer, inspiring others to use formerly single-function household items as toilet paper. Items like ugly living room pillows, a stuffed teddy bear from an ex-boyfriend, monogrammed towels, pages of Infinite Jest, the list goes on.

“At first I didn’t love the idea, but Trevor’s an innovator and in these trying times you simply have to adjust your lifestyle,” stated Bilton’s roommate, Greg Frankel, while attempting to flush a wool fisherman’s sweater down the toilet.

Many self-quarantining Canadians report toilet paper shortage being almost therapeutic, allowing people to literally flush away their problems – like a bad report card from 2006, a love letter from a former partner, or a tax evasion notice from the CRA.

“I predict that there won’t be toilet paper available for a while so we’re going to have to get creative,” stated Bilton as he maneuvered a large taxidermied moose head into the bathroom.

At press time, Bilton was seen in a local grocery, noticeably avoiding a fully-stocked shelf of toilet paper.