Everybody is talking about global warming. Clearly, it’s got a great publicist. My guess is it’s the same one that Amy Schumer uses. However, unlike Schumer – whom I have on good authority is real – Global Warming is a big fat lie.

Now, before you spit out your fair trade coffee and start yelling about carbon emissions, let me assure you that this is not a conclusion that came easily to me. I thought about it a lot. Just this morning I was in the shower for a good two hours debating the pros and cons of dating someone with a giant global footprint. Once the water went cold and I dried myself off with a hair dryer, I knew I had my answer.



This so-called “environmental Armageddon” is a fictitious construction cooked up by the left so we’ll spend all our time (or at least a half hour a week) changing out our light bulbs and flattening cardboard and completely overlooking their pinko/commie/socialist agendas. I’m on to you, liberals! You’re trying to be heroes to humanity. You want everyone to pat you on the back and say, “Oh, look who saved the planet!”

Well, I have news for you. The planet doesn’t need saving. After all, it’s been around for almost 2,000 years. It was fine before you got here, and it’ll be fine after the apocalypse destroys most of humankind for the sins of homosexuality and shellfish consumption. God hates Shrimp Scampi, but He doesn’t seem to have a problem with littering. (Leviticus 10:10)



I wish people would stop incessantly asking, “Don’t we care what kind of planet we’re going to leave our children?” First of all, I’m pretty sure any child psychologist would agree that leaving a whole planet to a kid is an appalling idea. I wouldn’t dream of spoiling my daughter with an entire planet. You don’t have to give your kids the world; just spend some time with them once in a while. That’s what they really want. That, and a Mercedes SUV for their sweet 16.



I wish scientists would stop blaming us humans for causing global warming. This is patently false, since global warming is not real! If the fact that we’ve just experienced the coldest spring on record isn’t enough to sway you, I’ve got other anecdotal evidence that should be plenty convincing. For example: my sister went to Greenland and never saw any polar bears stranded on tiny ice floes. In fact, my sister didn’t see any live polar bears at all, so there.

But the most telling sign that global warming is not an actual threat is this: the Republican presidential candidates aren’t trying to scare us with the prospect that we’re all doomed to die from toxic air and scorching temperatures. And Republican presidential candidates love scaring the public. It’s their passion. If they could put a gun to each of our heads individually and say, “Vote for me or else you die”, I think they would.



That’s why, despite the numerous scientific claims and all those hockey-stick graphs showing the sharp rise in temperatures, I don’t think there’s any truth to this whole global warming thing. At the very least, the declarations are exaggerated and we have nothing to worry about for at least a decade.

