Every week The Bachelor Bro’s will lock themselves in a room, break down the film, and preview one of the top prospects for the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise. The D-League, Triple- A Baseball, College Football…none of these farm systems compare to the pool of prospects in every season of The Bachelor. It’s January, it’s cold, it’s windy, and we all can’t wait for summer Paradise…so let’s see what this year’s class has to offer. Just to be clear: The wilder, the more “fun”, the more severely bi-polar…the better.

This week’s prospect…

Lace

Draft Board Ranking: #1

Craziness Rating: 10

Wilt Chamberlian‘s Libido Rating: 10

40yd dash: 4.47s

Weakness: Nothing.

Film Breakdown:

The “real estate agent” from Colorado is a fiery brunette from Ben’s season, and although we said goodbye to her this week, boy did she put some highlight reel plays on tape. In just three episodes, Lace has showed more emotional range than Nicholas Cage in Con Air, Face/Off, and The Rock (underrated movie)…combined. Obnoxious alcoholism, hogging time with Ben, and breaking down in tears when she doesn’t get enough eye contact at a Rose Ceremony. These are the kind of plays that immediately translate to the next level in Paradise. Lace will make an immediate impact in Mexico, funnelling mojito’s, sleeping with four different men, and knocking out Mandi…probably all in the first episode. The word on Lace has been traveling south quickly, and Bartender Jorgé has already started aggressively spiking the Sangria in Paradise.

Draft Prospect Ranking: #1

JaDeveon Clowney, Calvin Johnson, and Dwight Howard had a baby…and her name is Lace. Remember when Julio Jones showed up at the NFL Combine in 2010, put up 225lbs fourteen times, broad jumped over twelve feet, and ran a 4.34 forty yard dash…and did it all with a broken right foot? Lace is that untouchable right now. In her brief time on this season, she managed to alienate every girl in the house, be the recipient of Jubilee’s first death threat, and make Ben fold under pressure like Phil Mickelson at Winged Foot. Mike Mayock says always trust the film…I’ve seen the pre-snap adjustments, the seventeen yard outs on a rope, and the locker room presence. Call up Kevin Costner, the Browns have to trade up for Lace.

In homage to Mike Mayock, the man who’s never come across a Division III fullback from Prairie-View A&M that he hasn’t evaluated…