You're walking down the street when a portal opens in front of you, hurling you backward through time. "Damn," you think, "no Netflix. Plus, I'll probably die of polio." But then, you realize that, with your future knowledge, you could rule this place like a king! Perhaps life won't be so bad here after all. That's when you discover ...

6 The American South Was One Big Eye-Gouging Fight Club

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Today, our combat sports are made safe by a combination of athletic commissions and gentlemanly conduct. If you've ever seen a Floyd Mayweather fight, you might mistake boxing for an all-male foxtrot, with more hugging. Even the UFC, marketed as "AS REAL AS IT GETS," has several dozen rules to protect the combatants from dick attacks, bites, and dick bites. But, you've just landed in the American South during the 18th and 19th century: the dick-biting capital of Time.



And this is why Colonel Sanders refused to tell anyone how he flavored his meat.

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If you were involved in a fight in the South back in the 1700s, you were lucky to leave with all your body parts. The aim of the game was to gouge out your opponent's eyeballs or, whenever possible, worse. Fighters had reputations for testicle maiming and even sharpening their teeth to tear off larger chunks of human. As English minister Charles Woodmason put it in a sermon in 1760:

"I would advise you when you do fight not to act like tigers and bears as these Virginians do -- Biting one another's lips and noses off and gouging one another -- that is, thrusting one another's eyes, and kicking one another on the cods, to the great damage of many a poor woman."



Speaking of things that could damage a woman sexually, here's what their fingernails looked like.

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That's right, Southerners were so notorious for dick kicks and face biting that people brought it up in church. They fought like savage monsters, but they still had their own brand of showmanship. One losing fighter was told he had done badly by a spectator, and he replied, "Have I?" while pulling his opponent's eyeball from his pocket. Two hundred years ago, a gory handful of human flesh was how you quipped.

Speaking of gory balls, attempts to castrate another man during a fight were common. As famous explorer Isaac Weld described it, "What is worst than all is these wretches in their combat endeavour to their utmost to tear out each other's testicles."