Sexual tension between ‘woke leftists’ and ‘free-speech extremists’ on verge of bubbling over

The sexual tension between the warring factions of woke leftists and free-speech extremists is on the verge of bubbling over into an orgy of frenzied love-making, according to a leading source this morning.

As both sides continue to insist that the other is entirely representative of the devil himself, experts of have warned that the hate they claim to feel is nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt to hide their true feelings.

“I’ve seen this before, I know what happens next,” said Simon Williams, a guy in the pub who knows about these sort of things.

“My two friends, Sharon and Mark, they would be at each other’s throats every time we all got together. He’d be criticising her views on climate activism and calling her a ‘narrow-minded woke feminazi’, and she’d be criticising his views on identity politics and calling him a ‘fascist alt-right extremist’. They would scream insults at each other until we pleaded with them to stop, or one of them would leave.

“Then, one day, they got really drunk and shagged. They’re married with two kids now.

“You see, what on the outside looks like outright hostility, is really nothing more than a powerful sexual desire that they’re not properly equipped to deal with. The tension finally got too much and they went for it, and everything was better after that.

“I can see it across society, I would suggest that we’re only weeks away from a big sweaty mess of bodies from both sides of the argument engaging in a mass copulation event.

“Me? Oh, I’ll go for whichever side has the bigger boobs.”