In recent news, McDonald’s built itself a new restaurant up in the mountains for a local suburb that doesn’t seem to want it. We love it though, because whenever we visit it’s a great place to get cheeseburgers.

So, this game is dedicated to those angry residents who don’t want all the extra jobs and public toilets that come with a new McDonald’s.

The fearless contenders!

Bjorn: Tusken Raiders

Alkira: The Empire

Brendan: Women and Children

Nathan: Shadow Knights

Peter (me): Droid Army

The battlefield is 10” longer and wider than it has been in past games. Still not the biggest we’ve ever played on, but a good size for a 5 player game.

To win: Players must have more points than the other teams by the time the first person is wiped out. Points are gained by completing specific objectives ie defending something, attacking something, slapping something in the face with a sausage.

Alkira spent most of the week creating the map just so we could wreck it up, and doesn’t it look grand? It features a lake in the middle and cave towards the back. It’s all naturey and crap.

On this side we see the Women and Children home base. Also seen in this photo is an objective card. This kind of game mode (if I can call it that) is going to be a staple for our battles in the future as it makes the games waaaaay more fun and interesting.

Tom the Friendly Rancor is the Tusken Raider hero. Unlike normal heroes, Tom cannot be controlled until the Raiders themselves are all killed. In the mean time, Tom mindlessly moves to the nearest enemy unit and attacks it. What Tom does have though is a flip load of attack power, a lot of armour and a big heart. Awwww. No really, rancor hearts are huge.

We use an app for dice rolling now, we live in the future I tells ya!

McDonald’s National Park wouldn’t be complete without a McDonald’s in the middle of nature. Plastic, blocky nature.

My weak, spindly droids stumble forth in high numbers with Darth Maul leading the charge.

Alkira’s first move is half a good idea and half not. It’s great, her storm trooper sniper climbs the rock face to get a better vantage point but fails to realise this would cause to Tom to go straight for her.



Bjorn being the jerk that he is, unnecessarily kills the hotdog man potentially making it harder for someone else to gain tasty points. Then to further insult his grieving widow, the raider dons the hot dog man suit.

Tom the Friendly rancor’s weight proves too much for the wooden bridge to handle and breaks off into the lake. He’s just tall enough to crush the storm troopers meat filled body resulting in the game’s first blood.

Not sure why Brendan cut down this tree. I think he was trying to fling that spider onto someone but it failed.

Here we see a child taking a little breather to ‘drain it’. I’m sure there’s a law against photos like this.

Brendan hasn’t wasted his time completely though. His dual hero team Bree and Natalie mow down two droids, spilling motor oil all over the road. Battle droids run on motor oil right?

My team responds quickly, shooting one lady while Darth Maul carves up another. Boy I feel bad saying that.

This blow devastates Brendan as his advantage in the game (two heroes) is completely done away with during the first 15 mins of play. To further rub salt in that hilarious wound, he remembers about 20 mins later that he could have redshirted.

Here’s a sand person catching a few rays (’cause they don’t get enough already).

The notion that Bjorn is protected by the river is shattered with a single shot from a storm trooper across the water.

The McDonald’s, which is open 24 hours a day, serves the Empire a nice juicy Big Mac. I have a feeling that trooper is interested in more than just that burger…

Everyone playing pauses to remember an ant that has been eaten by Tom. Poor ant, you never stood a chance.

Below is a nice overview of the map so far. No body knows this, but I need to get that treasure chest (which wont happen).

If it falls off that bike it’ll probably die…

Darth Vader uses decades of intense Jedi training to destroy a perfectly good tree. Much Sith, many evil.

Potato quality photo: I purchase my team special General Grievous who will hopefully bring some much needed firepower although he still can’t really take any hits.

Blink guns are a fantastic new addition, used to instantly blink a minifigure or item from one location to another up to 10″ away. My droid can be seen below blinking a small child into the water right in front of the rancor.

Some of us predicted Nathan would play defensively, and what do you know, he did.

His Shadow Knights have made a little home for themselves atop this mountain and removed any way of getting up…although it doesn’t stop bullets making their way up.

Not sure why, but Alkira’s storm trooper convinces the McDonald’s chick to go with him. Who says storm troopers can’t have companionship?

My taxi gets blown up, along with the pizzeria.

The Rancor wades through to water over to the small child looking for some company. He shakes the little boy’s hand. What good friends!

Tom the Friendly Rancor gathers his new friends together for a light meal. Nothing like getting to know new people with food.

My cards were terrible so the only way I was going to make a jump in points was collecting either the bike or the treasure chest which are both in the cave. My Maul makes a run for it while Tom is distracted…of course my eagerness to get the cave alerts Bjorn who also has a desire to win.

Bjorn’s Tusken Raider jumps in the water dual wielding spears to take a dig at Maul…only to fail.

Desperate to kill my over powered hero, Bjorn drops his last pile of sand next to the river and buys his team special, the Sarlaac Pit. It pulls Darth Maul to shore but can’t break through his armour.

Conveniently, this brings my Hero closer to Tom who can now target Maul (now that he’s killed everyone else closer to him).

My hero has survived so many attempts on his life, but alas it was not to last. Tom’s high damage roll obliterates Darth Maul, providing bjorn with much happiness…

…but shattering me.

…and Brendan too. As we discovered, Brendan’s defense card was to protect my Hero, which he failed at miserably. Both myself and Brendan suffered great loss at the hands of a ranga.

Meanwhile on the other side of the map, Alkira’s storm trooper is coming to the conclusion that these may indeed not be the droids he’s looking for.

Her other units seem to be more focused though…

My bike riding droid blinks General Grevious up the mountain for a little alone time with Nathan’s Shadow Knights.

Already down a few units and conceding defeat early, one of Brendan’s children makes his way to the Priceless Ming Vase and detonates it, killing him in the process. Super work Brendan, you’re a great parent!

With my hero’s body trapped, Bjorn takes his opportunity to slap him in the face with a sausage, netting him even more glorious points.

Bjorn: “I don’t mind ISIS.”

More losses result on the droid side, broken apart by mere children.

Grevious makes his way over to the relocated yellow base to knock some heads together.

Unfortunately the spree ends far too quickly. His head is ripped off and his honor peed on.

An aerial shot of the map shows all the death in the middle. So much blood! Now, with no more nearby enemies left to ‘befriend’, Tom mindlessly stumbles forth toward the Empire’s offensive.

Luckily for Alkira, Darth Vader is still alive. His hero ability stops all enemy units from moving within 5″ around him. This is her time to strike down the Rancor while Bjorn fills his pants.

Unfortunately, the Storm Trooper’s aim was so bad he shoots Darth Vader in the back of the head.

While Alkira is reeling from such a devastating and hilarious loss, Brendan scabs together enough money from other players to buy a stick of dynamite. Combined with his team special his damage roll proved too much for Tom and wiped his friendly smile from the game. Balance has now been brought to the force. Maybe not that last part.

To add insult to injury, Brendan takes out another raider. Looks like Bjorn’s time in the sun is over, which is good really because as a ranga he shouldn’t be in the sun anyway.

My next move was more for laffs than strategy. Nathan’s hero Lord Vladek’s armour is far too high for my stupid droids to pierce so I’ve used the blink gun to teleport him right in range of the Sarlacc Pit.

In retaliation, Nathan prods my last droid causing him to fall down gently and explode. I’m wiped out, ending the game.

Both Alkira and Bjorn were reeeeallly close in points. But my last move, handing over Nathan’s hero on silver platter is what gave our ranga friend the winning edge he needed.

Let’s not forget the real reason we played tonight, remember those poor souls working at McDonald’s Tecoma. You will forever be hated by those who oppose free enterprise.

What an idiot!

Looking at this games movements, Alkira was stuck between Nathan and Bjorn the whole game until Nathan moved his base up the mountain. Also looking at Brendan’s team I thought he moved around more than that but it looks like he also was ganked a little.

If you wanna discuss check out the comments on the Brikwars forums or on reddit.