I have been with my husband for 15 years but, until last year, he hid the fact that he likes to dress in lingerie. I knew he was bisexual, but he only wanted a relationship with a woman.

I have always tried to please him. My issue is that now our sex always seems to involve him dressing up to “feel like a woman”. I feel as if he doesn’t want to be my man sexually.

Although he tells me I turn him on more than anyone, I worry that I am not enough. He says this upsets him and this is why he did not want to open up about it. I’m so confused.

While many men who enjoy dressing in female clothing for erotic purposes are heterosexual, it can leave the woman confused and resentful. A common theory is that such a man might have connected the feel of feminine lingerie with sexual interest early in life (for example, as a boy trying on an older sister’s clothing) and they may find the experience comforting or arousing. Although this interest is not unusual, it is common for adult males to hide it from their partners, fearing it will not be acceptable. You, though, seem to be accepting and understanding, and that is a blessing for you both. But it is important that you, too, get your needs met, to make your sex life together fairer.

Explain that you need more balance in your erotic sessions and negotiate terms to create that. Some couples agree on 50/50 (cross-dressing session/love-making the way the woman wants). Your husband has shared an important part of himself with you, but now it is encroaching too much. Assuage the resentment you are harbouring by insisting on a better deal.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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