LOS ANGELES—Undergoing a rapid physical transformation the instant his hand grasped the Academy Award for best actor, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly morphed back into a hairy, heavyset Iowan Sunday after finally winning an Oscar. “This is great—I’ve been waiting for one of these things for a long time. Now, I can finally go back home to Boone and get back to driving a flatbed truck for a living,” said the disheveled DiCaprio, scratching at his itchy scalp and causing dandruff flakes to flutter down to his shoulders as his tuxedo transformed into a tattered, mustard-stained flannel shirt. “I’m gonna put this on the shelf next to my bowling trophies. I can’t wait to celebrate tonight with a 30 rack of Busch.” At press time, DiCaprio was escorted off the stage by a visibly repulsed model trying to keep her distance from the foul-smelling actor.

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