CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying their findings pertained to every denomination of banknote, researchers at Harvard University released a study Friday confirming that the majority of paper currency in the United States has been in direct contact with at least one financial executive’s nude body at some point during its circulation. “Our data suggest that, for any given piece of U.S. legal tender, there is a 64 percent chance it has touched a portion of a Wall Street CEO or CFO’s naked flesh, likely when the executive gleefully rolled their nude body around in a large pile of money or dumped a bucket of bills over their head and let the currency cascade over their bare skin,” said professor of economics Robert Barro, noting that several dozen of the $10 bills his team randomly tested contained traces of DNA from every executive-level officer and board member at Goldman Sachs. “While our results were especially true of $100 bills, 90 percent of which have touched an executive’s exposed flesh, we found that even a slight majority of $1 bills have at some point or another clung to the film of perspiration and body oil on a top-level financial director’s abdomen, thighs, chest, genitals, buttocks, or upper arms.” Researchers said their results are in line with a 2013 study which determined that, at any given moment, $230,000 of U.S. currency is trapped in the creases and folds of skin on business magnate Sheldon Adelson.

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