SPEEDING FINES:

Always read the dates on a speeding fine. If the Notice of Intended Prosecution is served over two weeks after the offence is committed it is invalid. This applies to all speeding offences, including hand held lasers, GATSO etc.

TALKING TO A COPPER:

If you’re pulled over get off the bike, turn its ignition off and remove your lid. Don’t turn into a wailing, babbling fool - remain calm, listen to the officer’s questions and answer them honestly. Gauge what kind of policeman you’re dealing with and inject a little humour into the conversation if you think it’ll help. Nothing you say can be taken in evidence until you are cautioned, so if he asks how fast you were going, say ‘a bit over the speed limit.’ If you say ‘I have no idea’ it singles you out to be a fool, and cops hate fools. If you’ve cocked up, admit it. The cop will judge what kind of character you are and whether he’s going to give you a ticket or not.

SPOT AN UNMARKED COP CAR:

Look for extra aerials and a camera mounted below the rear-view mirror. When overtaking have a look inside the car for a TV screen in the middle of the console (bigger and lower than a GPS) and if the driver and passenger are wearing a uniform or are suspiciously smartly dressed. Also look on the rear parcel shelf for a lump between the headrests, this is the pop-up matrix warning display.

ALLEZ A PARIS:

Don’t speed within 50 miles of Calais, especially when there is a large event such as Assen WSB or Le Mans on. The police in Calais are bastards and set up traps to catch Brits.

NO SPEEDING FINES:

If you receive a penalty notice try to cause as much aggravation as possible. Wait until the last minute then write asking for an extension and the photographic evidence, then ask for the camera’s calibration details. If more than one person is insured on the bike say you need more time to identify the rider. Do everything you can to help, and never lie, but just make it as painful and drawn out a process as possible. Some forces give up and lose interest.