Dear Couples,

The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. “Nothing, I’m not big into Valentines Day,” he replied. At which point I burst into tears and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Just kidding. No I didn’t. Because I also hate Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching The Great Mouse Detective and drinking Diet Coke out of a liter container, thinking about the fact that if I died at that very moment, I would not be found for days.

I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. Which makes sense because I’m super bitter about Valentines Day. But it’s a stupid holiday, right? Why do we really need a day to celebrate couples? Aren’t they celebrated enough on a daily basis? Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? What are single people supposed to do? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? Gross.

This is a rough time of the year to be single, when everything around you is telling you you’re lame for not having a partner. But I’m here to tell you the opposite. You’re lame if you have a partner. Couples are annoying. I know this because I am part of a couple and I am annoying.

You see evidence of the obnoxiousness of couples everywhere you look. The other night my boyfriend and I joined some friends for dinner at their lovely, mid-century home in the Hollywood Hills. These are the kind of guys that sort of make you gag because they’re so perfect. They’re handsome, well-educated, successful, and friendly. They invited me and my boyfriend and one other couple to dinner. To our shock, delight, and terror, the third couple that showed up turned out to be totally smarmy. They practically made out at the table and called each other pet names the whole time. They nuzzled noses and gave each other congratulatory kisses after every sentence, as if it were the most brilliant thing ever uttered. This is when I came to a realization about relationships: couples are annoying. I am annoying. I hate couples. I hate myself.

This is not to say that I don’t love my boyfriend. I very much do. In fact, every day I wake up expecting to get dumped because he puts up with so many of my shenanegins. Most of his time is spent listening to me whining about the fact that I look like a sea cucumber in Mr. Potato Head costume and that I have nothing to wear. And then he has to tell me I don’t look like a sea cucumber wearing a Mr. Potato Head costume and that I’m lucky to even have clothes. It’s a vicious daily cycle. I’d venture to guess we are just as annoying as that couple that made out at the dinner table. Or perhaps worse. It’s probable that we are the most annoying couple in the whole world.

So singles, if you are reading this, revel in the fact that you are cooler than couples. There are so many things that make couples more obnoxious than the average single person. Here is a short list of annoying things couples do:

1. You say “we” instead of “I.”

Do you have couplefriends that answer everything in “we”? As in, “We love your house!” Why don’t you just speak for yourself? Are you no longer a person? Do you have only one half of one brain now that you’re in a relationship? No one wants to hear your “we” speak all the time, it’s grating and exhausting.

2. You make everyone else feel like a third wheel.

Do you have couple friends that invite you to the movies with them then spend the whole time telling each other secrets and then quietly laughing? And then you ask them what they’re laughing about and they’re like “nothing!” (whilst still stifling laughter). These types of couples are the worst, and should be banished to islands where they can watch all the stupid movies they want in peace, without having to include anyone else in their hilarious banter.

3. You were more fun when you were single.

To exercise their adventurous spirit, single people jump off rocks and stay up tip 8 AM at Coachella. Couples, on the other hand, express their adventurousness by watching New Girl and trying the new kind of lentil soup from Trader Joe’s (side note: it’s really delicious {I’m so lame! [ugh!]}).

4. Inviting you to parties is way less exciting because you’re not going to hook up with anyone.

Let’s be real, the best part of a party is afterwards when you can talk about who hooked up with who and then judge them while secretly wondering if they are having more fun than you. You can be like “Oh my god, Brian totally hooked up with Hollis and EVERYONE saw!” Couples destroy this potential for drama by only canoodling each other. What’s the fun in talking about a couple going home together? Snooze.

5. Because the dramatic relationship you have with your boyfriend seems interesting to you, but is boring to everyone else.

Do you have couple friends who constantly talk to you about the fights they have, the emotional issues that are tearing them apart? And at first you’re thankful that they’re telling you these stories because it makes them seem all the more human. But then that becomes all they talk about and you’re left wondering why you ever encouraged them to talk in the first place because now you’ve become their therapist and they wont stop dumping their problems all over you?

6. You and your boyfriend look alike, and that’s creepy.

You have the same skin color, the same eye color, and you wear the same outfits that you both bought at LASC. Stop it. You’re scaring everyone. We can’t tell you apart anymore and the fact you’re dating someone who looks that much like you is just further proof that you’re an egomaniac and a pervert.

7. Because inviting you means we have to invite your totally annoying boyfriend.

Remember when we used to have fun dinner parties where we’d all sit around and laugh together and be so happy that we were friends? Well now that inviting you means I have to invite your obnoxious, sullen boyfriend we never have those fun dinners anymore. I miss the days when you were single and I could hang out with you without having to include your mood-ruining other half.

8. You just nuzzled noses. At. The. Dinner. Table.

We get it. You love each other and need to show it. But do we really have to watch? (However, I kind of do want to watch these two nuzzle noses. Is that wrong?).

9. You act like you’ve been married for ten years and you’ve been dating for two weeks.

Do you have couple friends that are like “Big new guys! We’re buying a HOUSE!” And then you’re like “But you just met last week!” And they look at you like you’re speaking gibberish, as if everyone dates for a week and then moves in together. Some couples move superfast and act like it’s normal and talk about getting married after like three dates. Which sometimes means they will fall in love and last forever, but more often means they’re actual psychopaths and their relationship is going to end in exactly 17 days.

10. Now that you’ve entered coupledom your only hobby is shopping flea markets to find vintage furniture for your awesome house.

Gays, with their great taste and clever shopping tactics, have a superior ability to find cool stuff at flea markets and vintage stores. When you multiply this by two you have an unfair shopping advantage that means they’re stealing great finds from single people everywhere, and that’s not right. How are they supposed to get laid if they can’t trick out their apartment with awesome flea market finds? Selfish.

11. Let’s face it, sluts are more fun.

Yes, single people, I’m kind of calling you sluts here. But in a good way. A way that makes you seem fun and young. Like young, single Anjelica Houston or young, single James Dean in their heydays. Different friends represent different parts of your personality. Single friends allow you to express your carefree, adventurous side while couplefriends allow you to express the side of you that wants to sit on a LazyBoy eating marshmallows all day. Which one would you choose?

12. You have twice the wardrobe because you’re the same size as your boyfriend and that’s just not fair to the rest of us who have to buy all our own clothes.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain a wardrobe these days? For example, camo is already out even though it just came back in after going back out after coming back in like 2 years ago. And varsity jackets are so necessary but in two weeks they are going to be frowned upon. It’s not fair that you have twice the amount of clothing just because you’re in a relationship.

13. You save money on rent by co-habitating, and that is also not fair to the rest of us who have to pay our own damn rent.

Everyone else has to pay their own rent, and so should you! Why should you have a spare bedroom and an office just because you have a boyfriend?

14. Because you use the phrase “Date Night.”

The term “Date Night” is annoying. What are we 16, finally allowed to go on dates for the first time? Are we animated dogs on a magical date in Italy, destined to suck on one piece of spaghetti until we accidentally kiss? Instead of “Date Night” why not just say “Business Meeting”? It’s far less annoying and it makes you sounds important. Sometimes when I am going to dinner with my boyfriend I tell people I have an important meeting with very powerful Japanese business men (the Japanese part is crucial because Japan is better than America, I hope you knew that). This lie not only relieves people of having to hear the term “date night” it also makes me sound powerful and important. Which really is the only reason to ever say anything at all.

15. You post pictures of your obnoxious smarmy dates and your stupid glamorous vacations all over Facebook while constantly writing saccharine status updates professing your love.

I know, I know! I told you to do this in my Resolutions post. But I didn’t think you’d take me so seriously. I’m a blogger, for God’s sake, which basically means I’m a hobo that somehow got access to a computer. And I never said anything about professing your love on Facebook. That’s weird and uncomfortably intimate. That’s what texting is for. Duh.

16. Because your on-again, off-again relationship is constantly forcing your friends to choose whose side they’re on.

Stop breaking up with your boyfriend, dumping all over me about it, forcing me to hear all sorts of terrible things about him, and then getting back together with him the next day. It’s exhausting and it makes me feel funny inside. Kind of like that picture of Nicole Ritchie running on the beach wearing a bikini.

17. You only hang out with other couples.

Hey, Couples! Wanna know something interesting? Just because people are single doesn’t mean they are uninterested in your game night. Or that they don’t want to come on your couples trip to Ojai. Oh wait, yes it does. Nevermind.

I hope you enjoyed hearing me rant about why I hate couples and thus why I hate myself. This Valentines Day, I venture to guess I’ll be doing what I did last year. And the year before that. Which was gather up a group of friends and go out to dinner. Because I’ve been single my whole life up til now, Valentines has always been a time to celebrate the love I share with my family and friends. I can stare lovingly at my boyfriend (privately, in secret shame, without telling anyone) whenever I want, but V-Day remains a time to get together with friends, grab a drink, and talk about what a stupid holiday it is and how it was created by the greeting card industry to make money. So this holiday, screw couples. Let’s drink to family and friends whilst making fun of the couple canoodling at the table next to us. It’s only fair.

Love,

Orlando

PS: I got my pet peeves about couples off my chest. What are yours? Tell me everything!