RED BULL

Full name: Inexplicably Infiniti Red Bull Racing

Engine: Renault

The reigning champions have changed their name for 2013, adding the word ‘Infiniti’ to their official title to boost the presence of their key sponsor, the car company more commonly known as ‘shit Lexus’. The new RB9 racing car reflects this in two ways. Firstly, because it has a horribly over-ornate clock in the dashboard. And secondly, because you will never see more than two of them in your entire life. Red Bull enjoy a great driver line up in Sebastian Vettel, who is motivated by his desire for a fourth world title, and Mark Webber, who is motivated by his desire to stop that happening.

FERRARI

Full name: Scuderia Totally Legitimate Nothing To See Here Ferrari

Engine: Ferrari

It’s business as usual at Ferrari with grumpy charm-vacuum Fernando Alonso and panda-faced pace-o-phobe Felipe Massa taking care of driving chores, all under the stewardship of Director Of Appearing On Television, Stefano Domenicali who sometimes finds time to run the team, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the vital business of locating and standing in front of TV cameras looking like a strangely unfunny impersonation of Vic Reeves. Boosted by successful pre-season testing, the team is said to be confident it can find several rules to bend and promises it is in good shape to make an annoyingly pompous fuss whenever another team does anything wrong.

McLAREN

Full name: Vodafone McLaren Vodafone Mercedes Vodafone

Engine: Mercedes

McLaren set some quick times in pre-season testing yet rumours persist that they are ‘struggling to understand the car’, largely because it was accidentally designed with a thick Glaswegian accent. With the departure of technical director Paddy Lowe, his replacement Matt Goss promises to ‘drop the boy’ and ‘put the cat among the pigeons, oooo oh.’ Stalwart British driver Jenson Button is to adopt the classic ‘red five’ made famous by Nigel Mansell and is planning to complete the nostalgic effect by growing a moustache, developing a whining Midlands accent and, since he is driving for McLaren, becoming too fat to fit in the car. Button is said to be delighted that Sergio Perez has replaced Lewis Hamilton and his delight can be summed up in just one word; ‘beatable’.

LOTUS

Full name: Lotus Quack Quack Oops We’re Mad We Are F1 Team

Engine: Renault

Inspired by famously laid back driver Kimi Raikkonen, Lotus have decided to adopt the ‘maverick team’ schtick that Red Bull used to peddle before they decided it was better to get on with actually winning things. Raikkonen is likely to continue giving the impression that he finds this entire carry-on utterly tedious, as indeed does the rest of the world. Second driver Romain Grosjean may look like a rural simpleton but the bungling Frenchman has big ambitions for 2013 including a desire to book a ‘rhuem’ and to ask a blind man if they have a licence for that ‘minky’. During the Monte Carlo GP he is expected to drive a Citroen 2CV van into a ‘swimming peul’.

MERCEDES

Full name: Mercedes AMG Petronas Don’t Mention The War F1 Team

Engine: Mercedes

Lewis Hamilton takes over Michael Schumacher’s seat although the team promises they let it dry out and sprayed it with Febreze first. Rivals think the British ace could be a real contender this year. Hamilton himself isn’t so sure, perhaps because he’s actually driven the car. Alongside the ex-McLaren driver is Nico Rosberg who remains a Merc man through and through, at least until he gets a confirmed appointment for the rest of his sex change. It’s widely believed that this will be the last season at the team for Ross Brawn following rumours of a falling out with other high profile members of management. Mercedes denies this, though a spokesman did admit that Brawn’s full codename for the 2013 car is the F1 W-Niki Lauda Is A Twat-04.

SAUBER

Full name: Sauber Plucky Underdog Everyone Likes Us F1 Team

Engine: Ferrari

Sauber hope to spend 2013 doing just what they always do; qualifying reasonably well, racing reasonably well and putting in the odd surprise performance whilst never forgetting their most important role; being solidly midfield. Nico Hulkenberg remains well liked, though this is mostly because of his amusing nickname, ‘The Kenb’. Newcomer Esteban Gutiérrez raised the money to reach F1 by selling his name to the producers of Hollywood action movies whenever they were stuck for something to call the bad guy who runs the cocaine cartel.

FORCE INDIA

Full name: Sahara Force India Your Company Name Could Be Here F1 Team

Engine: Mercedes

Force India boss Vijay Mallya has been experiencing financial difficulties recently but denies that this will have any effect on his team. Nonetheless, at recent pre-season testing he was repeatedly heard to bark ‘put it in seventh’ over the radio, even during the slower corners. A team insider later admitted they had no idea how the car had performed as all their laptops were dummy display models and they had spent the entire test ‘pretending’ to examine data in order to ‘look cool’ in front of other teams. Force India will not run KERS on Paul di Resta’s car this season, preferring to use a unique hybrid system that harnesses the pure power of Scottish misery. Many pundits say Adrian Sutil is a disappointing choice for second driver unless he’s in the same room as them and there is glassware on the table in which case they say he is brilliant and a future world champion.

WILLIAMS

Full name: FW Consistently Disappointing F1 Team

Engine: Renault Clio 1.2

Williams are unique on the 2013 grid in that they are a former world championship team which seems to have no idea how to win a world championship. There is concern that they’ve already demonstrated this before the first race by quietly changing an illegal exhaust vane where a true championship contender like Ferrari would have made a massive fucking fuss about it and then accused McLaren of cheating too. Familiar driver Pastor Maldonado is talented and, as he proved in Spain last year, capable of winning. Unfortunately, at many races he is beaten to the car by his evil, accident-prone twin Bastor Maldonado who is shit. Newcomer Valtteri Bottas is not to be confused with his mum, Valerie Bottas, who runs the Finnish branch of the WI.

TORO ROSSO

Full name: Toro Rosso Scuderia Second Best

Engine: Ferrari seconds shop

The Red Bull back-up team has struggled for success recently and has attempted to deflect attention from this by changing their official slogan to ‘The team Sebastian Vettel used to drive for!’ Daniel Ricciardo gets quicker when he stops smiling which, unfortunately for the team, is almost never. Jean-Eric Vergne is famed for being the only F1 driver who lives under the sea. The team need a decent car for 2013 or risk another season being known as ‘those people who stop the backmarkers getting too close to the talent’.

CATERHAM

Full name: Lotus Caterham Lotus F1 Team Lotus

Engine: The ones Renault can’t get to run right

The team that used to be a more likeable Lotus is now the only F1 outfit in history to be run by a man called Cyril. Probably. The team struggled for pace in testing and seems to be short of money since they can’t even afford a vanity plate to cover up that bloody awful nose. Driver-wise, Charles Pic returns to F1 which is a surprise since he only drove in 2012 because it was his gap year. He’s joined by Giedo van der Garde of the Netherlands who was hoping to copy Jos ‘The Boss’ Verstappen by using a nickname that rhymed with his first name but has run through the options and thought better of it.

MARUSSIA

Full name: Rolling Chicane F1 Team

Engine: Ford ‘Essex’ 3-litre V6

Rear axle: mk4 Cortina

Without HRT on the grid this season, it falls to Marussia to be 2013’s comedy no-hopers. Despite actively courting pay drivers, the team still struggles for money which is why their race truck is also their factory and their official test driver is recorded as ‘John’s mate Dan (if he’s free)’. Ex-Ferrari tester Jules Bianchi is not without talent, especially when it comes to writing cheques, whilst British driver Max Chilton has taken inspiration from Kimi ‘The Iceman’ Raikkonen and Nico ‘Britney’ Rosberg, by arriving in F1 with his own nickname; ‘The Wallet’. Meanwhile, team consultant and disgraced former Renault engineering director Pat Symonds insists he won’t be going back to his old ways by ordering the Marussia drivers to crash. ‘There’s really no need,’ he sighs.