Why My Asian Mom Only Likes White Men

The Concept of White Approval

I never really noticed or bothered to wonder why my mother, who has been divorced from my Asian father for over 10 years, has solely gone out with white men since her divorce. It wasn’t really any of my business until I learned about white approval in detail.

My mother grew up in war ridden Vietnam until her early twenties where she then embarked in the perilous journey to the United States. When she was young her father, my grandfather, was killed in the army fighting against the communist Viet Cong. Her mother, my grandmother, then remarried another man who did not want children from a previous marriage and so my mother had no option but to move in under the care of her aunt. My mother never had the opportunity to even finish primary grade school because she had to stay home and do housework for her aunt who was very poor. My mother always resented the fact that she did not finish school. She always tells me “Natalie, if I was able to go to school, I would have a better life”. Now, my mother is one of the smartest people I know despite not finishing school, but she has unknowingly fallen into the mindset of white approval.

White approval has many nuances but can be generally defined as the need for individuals of color to seek the approval or acceptance of white individuals in order to elevate their status in society, gain privilege, or just feel like they belong. My mother does not directly seek white approval but it is evident in her love life. She only limits herself to white, well educated men. Now, one would think this may be a generic case of “gold digging” but it’s much more complicated than that. White approval is more than the need for wealth, but can be seen as “the only way out” for many who suffer from poverty, exploitation, and oppression. People of color have been oppressed for so long whilst glancing on the pristine image of white gated communities and the “house on a hill” with white picket fences. Essentially, many children grow up thinking that to be white is to have everything. By gaining access to whiteness through relationships, those who seek white approval are gaining access to a lifestyle they never had. By dating a white man, this may allow my mother to be with someone who has the education that she never had. Enduring so much intense labor in Vietnam, her hands have become working hands; they have become hard, rough, but strong. However, dating a white man became my mother’s “only way out” to the life she has always dreamed of. Coming to America was her first glimpse of whiteness. To her, whiteness is opportunity. Therefore, white approval was the door to this opportunity.

So, why not Asian men? Why not my Asian father? The answer is that our society and the society in Vietnam as well as countries all over the world have set up men of color to fail. Men of color are conditioned by colonialism and white supremacy to view themselves as inferior and not desirable. Undesirables exhibit “ego withdrawal” which is described as the ego’s “withdrawal from one field of activity is sometimes compensated for by excellence in another, upon which it concentrates”. My Vietnamese father is a very well educated man. He was lucky enough to leave Vietnam at the early age of eight and receive education in America. He attended UCLA and became a well paid radio frequency engineer. So why did my mother divorce my father if he was educated? The answer is simple, my father failed my mother, his race wasn’t enough. Just like the many men in Vietnam had failed my mother as a child, so too did my father in marriage. My father is only good at working and saving money, his ego withdrawal was removing himself from his family and moving towards becoming “successful” and financially independent. On the contrary, white men have significantly less ego withdrawal because society has framed them as practically almighty and great at everything. Basically, how can a man of color compete? My father’s goal was to get out of the white man’s grasp and to truly become independent. He focused so much on himself that he neglected my mother, ego withdrawal was his downfall. In his eyes and in Vietnamese culture, he was not good at being a father or husband so why put any effort into it. To my mom, she wanted to have a man with everything, who can essentially “take care of her”, this man is the polar opposite of what an Asian man is represented as in society. What kind of man has “everything”? A white man.

Whiteness has always been portrayed as the ultimate end all be all. Women of color seek white men because men of color are set up to fail and white men are set up to succeed. Even if a man of color can succeed in one area, he has been limited in another, whereas white men have never been limited. I do agree that my mom needs to seriously change her mindset and understand that whiteness does NOT lead to opportunity or prosperity — the perfect guy is not always white. I also agree that my dad needs to realize that he CAN be a good father and husband if he just tries, despite what society thinks. Seeking white approval is seeking the wrong source of empowerment. Empowerment comes from within.