Webster’s definition of vulnerable is- capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage.





How my perspective came to be

In a job interview I was once asked what made me different. My answer- I have a perspective that no one else does; and here’s how it happened.





As a kid I graduated high school at 5’9,” the same height I am now, but 140lbs. Essentially I was skinny and insecure, and wanted to be strong and invincible. I believed this meant being manly/emotionless, lifting weights, drinking beer, and basically not letting people see that there might be a soft side. Through the first couple years of college I was still that same kid, but put on a few pounds of muscle.

When I left for the infantry I was thrown into an environment where insecurity would quite literally get you killed. More importantly, there was also this mental shift from “there are limits” to “there are NO limits.” What this really instills is that ten-foot tall and bulletproof mentality, and the ability to physically keep going when you’ve mentally given up. Adding 50lbs. of muscle with that mentality, and finally I was what I always wanted to be- strong and invincible.

Then one day you just leave. It’s a great feeling knowing you never again have get up to go running at six in the morning when it’s 40 degrees and raining, while wearing only shorts and a t-shirt. Until, at some point you end up hearing someone say something that blows your mind, and realize how much you can’t relate to normal people anymore. In an argument with my sister she made one of those comments, and all the irritation from repetitively hearing them came out. No idea what the argument was about, but I unloaded in a vicious way and ended with, “you have no idea what hard is.” She left crying, I won the argument, but truly in that moment I was just an ass.

However, she would win that war by later stating that because I chose a life of chaos and hardship, it didn’t give me the right to diminish others feelings. The single hardest thing you have ever gone through is still 100% the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Learning to understand and see others perspectives was arguably the hardest thing I had to grasp in transitioning. In the process I lost friends, girlfriends, really pissed off family members, the list goes on.

These experiences fed into every aspect of my life and I was finally able to objectively look at people without being as biased to my own culture. Suddenly understanding and valuing others perspectives, my biggest crutch, became my greatest asset. At some point I remember this phrase hitting me and never letting it go:





There is no right, just different.









What Marrying a Stranger Taught Me





Filming

If you’ve been paying attention to this point, you’ll have realized that all of this growth is still quite emotionless. A global perspective makes a great consultant, but not necessarily a great significant other. To be fair, when you get hurt a couple of times, eventually you don’t want to play the game anymore and put up walls. Given how unsuccessful that was destined to be, and fortunate timing of the show filming in Boston, I decided to take a shot; they were never going to pick me anyways.

Going into casting I took the same approach I do with everything else in life, either be all in or don’t try. Entailed in that was letting the walls down and being vulnerable with whomever I was matched with. This was particularly tricky when you consider the cameras, experts, and all of a sudden it’s not just vulnerable with her, it’s with millions of people.

Fortunately, the fans are wonderfully curious and ask tons of questions. Unfortunately, answering them would take so much contextual backstory I simply can’t fully answer all of them. One of the questions I am asked the most is why I kept trying to make the relationship work while constantly running into brick walls and being shut out. I think it’s imperative to remember that a lot goes on behind the scenes and I really could see the potential. And trusted the process. During the course of filming I tried to be patient and see things from Molly’s point of view. This, of course, isn’t the easiest thing to do when you’ve just met, and are trying to learn their perspective on top of quite literally everything else. Regardless, I felt that I did what I could, and in the end it just didn’t work.

When I met up with a friend to discuss the demise of my marriage, I had thrown my hands in the air and shut back down. In discussing how I would handle relationships moving forward, I mentioned to him that it would be tough to go into the next one and be as vulnerable and open as I was for this. His response couldn’t have been more perfectly worded, or better timed. He said that I would have to be, so that regardless of the ending I could walk away with a quiet mind and no regrets. Now that was a perspective I hadn’t considered. Yet.





Airing

To put it bluntly, the ending of filming sucked. It felt like an alternate reality that I came back from to be left emotionally drained with no wife, job, or place to stay. No one really mentions the crew, but they become like your family, so you don’t want to see them go either. Afterward, I left Boston for about a month feeling dejected, and really bitter/angry over the whole situation. So much so that when asked what I took away from the show that was positive, I quite literally could not come up with a response. Fortunately, after some time and reflection this would change, but it would really take time.

The airing started in January, and a little known fact about me is that February and March are the worst months for me. I have a lot of friends who died in those couple of months, the weather typically doesn’t help any, and it makes me a pretty irritable person to be around. Now add the element of having to watch yourself back on tv in a way that left me not even liking myself, so why would anyone else. My friends and family made sure to poke fun at me and let me know what they thought, which didn’t help.

From here, stepping back and keeping perspective was what made things a lot easier to digest. To people who are around me enough, they’ve probably heard me say, “I don’t feel like the guy on TV, I’m just running his Twitter account.” That disassociation helped me realize that people know the very tip of the iceberg, and draw conclusions to fill in the blanks. Everyone blames editing, but let me give you their perspective from someone who knows the whole story. Consider trying to tell an intricate storyline while only being able to use portions of the story due to air time. I can honestly tell you they do wonderful work at emphasizing the major aspects of our story given the tight parameters they have.

Cast from seasons past mention the courage it takes to embark on the leap of faith that is marrying a stranger AND having it televised. Part of that courage is standing at the end of the isle wondering who is about to turn the corner, while part of it is filming in very crowded places with people staring. That’s not what those cast members are referring to though. The real courage is exposing your flaws to millions of people and knowing they’ll likely tear you apart.

Regardless, there’s me knowing what was going to happen with our story, how I felt about it, and unwilling to say anything to anyone. I could see the bigger picture of the storyline, which was mildly comforting, but still felt awkward getting noticed on the street and having people tell me how cute they thought we were, and that they hoped it all worked out.





The Real Takeaway

I’ve given you a look at my perspective, how it developed, and how it’s changed. Going forward in life, I can promise you that accepting people for who they are and how they treat you, will show you their true selves beyond basic descriptive information. I view descriptions as data points that don’t tell me if you’re a good person or not. Remember, I’m still that same arrogant and sarcastic guy that initially turned people off. Hopefully though, you can still accept that and know the person underneath is willing to come pick you up in the middle of the night because you’ve had a few too many. Consider it like this: rate people on their reliability, not their religion. When you start this process you’re a stranger to your spouse and also a stranger on a TV screen, until suddenly you realize that your shortcomings reverberate across America. The support is almost too hard a burden to bear when you know you may be letting people down at the end.

Vulnerability is strength, and walking away from a situation beat up, broken down, and “emotionally raw” (to quote myself) should be called giving it your all instead of vulnerable. Of course being scared to be vulnerable is normal, and fine. Don’t allow your vulnerability to hold you back from something that could be great in the long run.

Don’t define people on their descriptions, but rather their actions. Above all else, try to see others perspectives- because there is no right, just different.