RALEIGH, NC—With the recent success of Theta Chi’s (the estranged fraternity infamous for drug possession, sexual assault, and human rights violations) “CMT vs BET” function, they have announced the theme of their winter formal. This year, the theme will be “The Good Ol’ Days”

Tom Smith IV, chapter president and senior in management, said between cigar puffs, “Here at Theta Chi, we hope to shape our members to be more gentlemanly. We are men dedicated to the good things of life, to the gentle, the heartfelt things, to good living, and to the kindly rites with which it is surrounded. We seek to bring back the times where America was truly its greatest. Hence, the theme of our winter formal.”

The party is a joint effort between Theta Chi and Sigma Nu. Charles Windcrest, vice president of programming for Sigma Nu and sophomore in finance, said between sips of Natural Light, “Now, me and Tom go way back. We were having ourselves a couple of beers the other night: shootin the shit and snorting uncut Bolivian cocaine out of a stripper’s vagina. You know, the usual. Now Tom, he suggested to me this idea of his to bring back the good ol’ days, and I loved it so much that I jumped on that quicker than Lincoln unjustly attacking Ft. Sumter.”

According to the party planning committee’s press release, using the money that their dads gave them, the Theta Chi house will be stylized like an old plantation house with strong, erect columns, a dominating porch, and, of course, a whitewashed picket fence to block out the riff-raff. Instead of the traditional “Party Juice” (a concoction of cheap vodka, hawaiian punch, and near lethal doses of Rohypnol) mint juleps in Solo highball cups will be served. Theta Chi’s specific recipe is an old secret, passed down through generations of members, but it is bound to include bourbon, simple syrup, and a lethal dose of ketamine.

Jonathan Wesson III, head of the party planning committee and junior in accounting, said while lazily careening back and forth on a rocking chair on the fraternity house’s porch, “This winter formal is going to have a strict dress code. No longer should we have our fraternity men and sorority women wear indecent attire. No saggy pants, none of those “wife beater” shirts (as we like to keep those activities behind closed doors like decent, god-fearing folk), and certainly no bandanas (those are meant to be worn by those people).”

“Men are expected to wear their finest white suits, complete with bolo ties; can’t have none of them black suits as white is more fitting for proper gentlemen. Women are also expected to dress respectfully, but we don’t mind if they show a little bit of skin while they’re at it.” he concluded with a wink and a nudge.

After the announcements, the Theta Chi organization was flooded with emails and letters from many organizations protesting their choice in event including: NAACP, ACLU, and the Human Rights Watch. Smith, wiping the sweat off his brow with an embroidered handkerchief, had the following response, “My, my, my. These kinds of people are trying to restrict our right to throw a good, ol’ fashioned party: the kind where people were in their proper place. I mean, it’s just a party, don’t get offended there. Jeez, this PC culture has such a thin skin. Back in the good ol’ days, I didn’t need to worry about these ‘class action lawsuits’ and ‘summons to the International Criminal Court’ before I said or did anything.”

Reportedly, according to internal documents, there will be a melanin and phrenology check. Wesson responded with a jovial chuckle and a sip from his glass of blue label Johnnie Walker, “We want to maintain a sophisticated atmosphere where decent gentlemen can gather in safety to talk and make merry. Our critics are always telling us to ‘check our privilege’, but if that were so important, my grandpappy would’ve told me to do that. We will have randomized checks to make sure that only the best of guests show up.”

Due to an extra increase in the budget from Wesson’s father’s recent big win on the track, the party planning committee has the available resources to have some “help” to serve the party guests their drinks and a selection of hors d’oeuvres. Wesson said, “We want to make sure that our distinguished guests have the authentic Southern experience that they so deserve. We work so hard throughout the year getting ready to work for our fathers’ hedge fund management firms. Not to mention, we raise so much money for our philanthropy efforts that sometimes we just need to take a break and celebrate all the good we do for ourselves.”

When queried as to the specific nature of their philanthropy efforts, Wesson responded with a gentle placement of the hand on the back of the shoulder and saying, “It’s for the children.”

“The biggest attraction of the night, will certainly come as surprise to you.” said Smith, with a gregarious grin and a heartful chortle. “We are bringing back some classy entertainment: a real life minstrel show. I never really understood why these ever went away. My grandpappy seemed to have the fondest memories of them. Their banjo music, their clever jokes, and not mention their very well done costumes.”

Smith and Wesson concluded the interview by saying, “We’re both sure that this party is to go off with a bang. Provided none of them colored folks come.”