LUBBOCK, TX—Following his three-game suspension for a controversial courtside altercation with a spectator last weekend, millions of Americans confirmed Wednesday that it would have been kind of fun to watch Oklahoma State guard Marcus Smart beat the absolute shit out of the Texas Tech fan who provoked him. “Obviously any violence at a sporting event is completely and utterly unacceptable regardless of circumstance, but, I don’t know, part of me would have liked to watch Marcus Smart take that fat, loud-mouthed asshole by his Texas Tech polo shirt and pummel the ever-living fuck out of him,” said 36-year-old McLean, VA resident Alan Mitscher, adding that seeing a middle-aged man who maliciously heckles teenaged college basketball players get his ass kicked on national television would have been “pretty damn satisfying, actually.” “To see the look on that smug sack of shit’s face right when he realizes the 19-year-old kid he’s been verbally abusing is about to knock his fucking teeth out and leave him in a bloody heap on the side of the court—man, that would have been amazing.” Citizens from across the nation also told sources that there’s no way in hell the fan in question only called Smart “a piece of crap.”

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