[BEGIN RECORDING]

The point-of-view of the SCIDMARK-4 device has been forcibly altered to an overhead camera which sweeps down onto the stadium from a previously unseen vantage point before settling behind the shoulders of SCP-4497-1 and SCP-4497-2. Both contestants stand at the foot of a dais looking up at an obsidian altar covered with a large metal dome. From around the altar appears a floating reniform yellow-white mass extruding numerous tentacles. Its tentacles vibrate as it 'speaks'.

Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, Things and Thonks, welcome back to another thrilling, gripping, intriguing battle at Kitchen Stadium. Last week our new Thinkytime™ brand wok was christened with blood as Nonna Paluzzi defended her title against The Ravenous Bug Beast of Zeta Reticuli-IIIa in 'Battle Chartreuse'. What surprises do this week's challengers bring with them? What morphological and existential horrors will this week's special surprise theme ingredient present?! Let's find out…

The camera zooms in past the contestants. As it does so, the yellow-white mass of the 'host' transforms into a viscous brown, globular substance which disperses and scatters to various off-screen locations. Afterward, the metal dome raises via unknown means to reveal a table full of various apparently human corpses dressed in 15th-century European clothing and bearing religious paraphernalia.

Host: Battle Spanish Inquisition!

The audio is filled with gasps, "ooh" and "ahh" style noises, applause from unseen sources, and general cheering from the off-screen crowd. Alternative camera angles cut to the contestant as they each nod in approval and excitement. SCP-4497-2 offers a polite clap.

Host: Remember contestants. The rules are simple. You will have 3.6e+15 picoseconds to provide 'The Council of Judges' with your most sumptuous interpretation of this choice ingredient. One appetizer, one main course, and one dessert. Your 3.6e+15 picoseconds of 'Battle Spanish Inquisition' begins…now!

Multiple camera angles cut to a brief conference held by the MTF wherein Agent Sokolov thinks through his menu with his sous chefs and divides up the duties. Thanks to the instantaneous thought-form communication facilitated by the subdermal sigils, this task is completed in mere moments, and Agent Sokolov and all three of his sous chefs ritualistically clap their hands together in unison as they 'break'.

SCP-4497-1 and Agent Sokolov begin to heap portions of the secret ingredient into large woven baskets and to transfer whole corpses onto nearby gurneys. As this plays out the audio fades and voice-over begins an apparent advertisement.

Voiceover: Today's 'secret ingredient' was graciously provided by 'Distant Memory Of A Forlorn Star™' brand farms and their associates. The good folks at 'Distant Memory Of A Forlorn Star™' toil every day, screaming on the underside of existence so you can enjoy the freshest inquisitorial corpses and memorabilia without any of the anachronistic risks or the constant threats of patricide. Feeling a little bit heretical? Nibble on an Inquisitor!

As the voiceover fades, kitchen audio resumes and the sound of numerous devices in action fills the air. Several trillion picoseconds have already elapsed as the camera briefly flashes to the countdown clock. Dramatic music underscores rapid camera cuts as SCP-4497-1 demonstratively instructs their two sous chefs as they treat and prepare the secret ingredient. Likewise, on the other side of the arena, SCP-4497-2 led by Agent Sokolov occasionally wordlessly look up from their labors in order to make eye contact and nod to one another as commands are instantaneously exchanged.

The battle continues to progress with increasingly aggressive and bombastic edits, graphics, and music. Multiple rapids cuts and close-zooms of the contestants' faces are arrayed over the dramatic thrums of a pipe organ as they chop ingredients, activate food processors, and rotate frying pans. The 'host' floats overtop of the arena encouraging the contestants onward as the clock nears zero.

Host: 6e+13 picoseconds remaining! You should be plating by now!

The cheering of the crowd continues to escalate as the deadline draws near and a blaring klaxon declares that the cooking time has finally ended. The previously bright white light of the stadium is replaced by an ominous and deep red light as the contestants bring their prepared dishes to set before the 'The Council of Judges'.

SCP-4497-2, the challenger, presents first. The camera is tight to his face as he begins to speak.

Agent Sokolov: Alright, so tonight I wanted to prepare for you a culinary journey that really speaks to the true flavor of the Spanish Inquisitor, so I've kind of taken us on a journey of all the most heretical flavors that Europe has to offer. I wanted to kind of play off of that and really let this beautiful Inquisitor be the star of the show. I hope you enjoy.

The camera slowly rolls left to right showing off the Agent's dishes.

Agent Sokolov: Okay, first we have our appetizer. This is a call back to the greatest heretics of southern France with our take on a sort of charcuterie board. We have a thinly sliced, nice and fatty Inquisitor belly that's been brined in a Dead Sea marinade and then just real quickly been raked over the conceptual essence of a torturer's rack. That's served with thin crispy compressed slices of Cardinal Richelieu's beard. The cheese is a sharp cheddar from the Mare Frigoris region of Luna. Aaand, the wine isn't wine at all, it's distilled heresy which, turns out, has the same properties and flavor profile of pinot noir.

Various cuts to the judges are interspersed as they begin to eat the appetizer. The first judge appears to be a direct representation of Alexander Hamilton except he's a two-meter-tall Komodo dragon. The second judge is the one-meter-wide disembodied head of Salvador Dali, his mustache twisted into a Mobius strip. And the third judge is a completely hairless Guy Fieri adorned with sunglasses. The judges appear to enjoy their meal but are sparing their commentary for later.

Agent Sokolov: For our main course, we wanted to stick to the namesake's Spanish roots. We took the Inquisitor's thighs and we wrapped them in liturgical vestments which we had soaked in sherry. Then just finished off with a rub of ground Espellete peppers, cumin, saffron, and ground teeth. And then we just seared that real quick over the same open fires we used to roast the feet of the heretics for our side dish. Speaking off, we have some cracklins made from heretic's feet and we just left those out to confess to their heresy for almost the entire hour and really let them render down and crisp up. Enjoy.

There is another brief cut to the judges as they enjoy the heretic cracklins. They nod to each other as they pay particular attention to the crunch.

Agent Sokolov: And finally for dessert, we call this one 'Plenary Indulgence', which we're quite proud of. We have for you a sort of French style upside-down apple dessert infused with rich and decadent Papal Authority. This is served warm, with a caramel flavored Reformation sauce and a dollop of vanilla custard ice cream. We took a real risk here, it's just plain old totally normal vanilla custard.

Alexander Hamilton: Well I for one want to thank you for this delicious and cannibalistic journey. I really had a good time touring Europe for that succulent taste of heresy that the Inquisitors were after. I felt like I was there. In a castle. Burning witches until they confessed. Very good.

Dali's Head: Figuratively striking. Tastefully absurd. But a lot of what you put up today was very real. You didn't ask me to imagine a single thing for you on this entire menu. I'm not sure that's worked out in your favor here but we'll see. Overall strong just not a lot of risks being taken.

Agent Sokolov: Okay, thank you for your feedback.

Hairless Guy Fieri: This was definitely a rad cool smackdown of flavor bonanzas all up in our grills and I just can't get over how knockout dynamite this totally ordinary and completely mundane custard is. Seriously I could dive right in. I could go out to my car, open the glove box, try on my welder's goggles because those are closer to the handle, toss them out, then reach in and fish for my diving goggles, put those on, come back inside, return to the table, go down into the arena, strip down to just my underoos, pucker up real tight, take a deep breath, and just dive on in to Flavor Central located in that bowl of custard you got back there at your station. Just incredible.

Agent Sokolov: Wow, thank you, I appreciate that a lot. Honestly, I'm honored to have been able to serve you this meal, it's really been a pleasure to work with such ingredients.

The table is cleared and many fast edit-swipes indicate the passage of time as the incumbent SCP-4497-1 presents their meal.

Host: Nonna Paluzzi, please explain your meal.

Nonna: Well my dearies, as a woman that's been dead for nearly ten years this one was a real challenge. First, my appetizer is a cold mushroom salad tossed with a vinaigrette. The mushrooms were grown from fields fertilized with a mixture of the bonemeal and ash of heretics and then they were pressed between copies of Malleus Maleficarum until nice and thin. The marinade and dressing are a mixture of olive oil, shallots, garlic, the reticence of the clergy, and a dash of increasingly brutal prosecution for that extra kick.

The camera similarly features the judges eating the salad and making a variety of highly conspicuous and approving faces.

Nonna: I call our main course 'Porco Dio'. We have cured and slow-cooked 'long pig' tossed in a gravy of Inquisitor-fat, disregarded facts, and thinly veiled political agendas extracted from Renaissance-era royal-courts. To go with that, we have a tangy mango slaw and a nice potato roll to make your own sandwich. You'll be screaming 'porco dio' for sure! Get yourself right on that heretic's list ehehehe.

Camera cuts to a long shot showing all three judges laughing and smiling politely at the joke. Guy Fieri looks nervously to the disembodied head of Salvador Dali before dabbing his napkin on his suddenly very sweaty brow.

Nonna: Ahem, now then. Finally for dessert. Unfortunately, since I am just one woman I wasn't quite able to get everything on the plate that I had hoped before time ran out. Those picoseconds really flew by. This is my grandson's favorite dish, potatoes au gratin. Enjoy.

Alexander Hamilton: I'm having a hard time tasting the Inquisitor in this, Nonna, where is it?

Nonna: That was the thing I had trouble getting on the plate, sorry.

Hairless Guy Fieri: So the one thing that needed to be here you didn't even attempt to work into the dish that you served us?

Nonna: That's correct.

Dali's Head: I love it. So subversive.

Host: Thank you, contestants. You can go back to your stations while the votes are tallied.

Dramatic music resurges as the camera drifts upwards and away from 'The Council of Judges'. As the camera continues to drift outward it becomes clear that the contestants are moving in real-time however the judges are experiencing some sort of localized temporal anomaly such that their debate has been sped up to mere seconds rather than minutes. After approximately thirty total seconds of real-time, the temporal anomaly ends and the 'host' assumes center stage. The contestants approach and stand before him at the foot of the dais.

Host: Iron Chef Nonna Paluzzi. (SCP-4497-1 bows to the host) Challenger Boris Sokolov. (SCP-4497-2 bows to the host) The votes are in. And the winner of this Battle Spanish Inquisition is…

Host: The Challenger! Boris Sokolov!"

The camera immediately cuts to Agent Sokolov as he blushes and his sous chefs rush in to congratulate him. Agent Sokolov crosses the aisle and attempts to shake SCP-4497-1's hand but the spectral entity disperses into an ectoplasmic ether as her final pained scream momentarily eclipses the cheering and applause.

Credits begin to roll as Agent Sokolov is handed a black chef's jacket embroidered with his name. The screen fades to black as he puts it on.

