Houston, TX—

Lakewood Church’s Christian televangelist pastor Joel Osteen today took to Twitter to apologize to America over his failure to pray away the coronavirus.

The following are his tweets:

“America, I think this coronavirus has taught me a valuable lesson in humility. You see, I’ve not been true to God in my heart. It’s clear that I have not adequately prayed enough to save my congregation from the coronavirus, and so, starting today, I’m doubling my prayer efforts!”

“But I can’t do this alone. I need your help, America. You see, the closure of my church due to quarantine efforts has really dipped into my weekly profits, and, well, it’s not me who wants me to have a 17,000 sq. ft. mansion, or a private jet, or a massive collection of Japanese sex dolls, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior!”

“So I’m going to need a lot of monetary donations sent through our collections web page. If I’m going to double my prayer efforts, I don’t want to have to worry about how I’m going to pay my mortgage, or fuel my jet, or clean out all the orifices of my dozens of sex robots.”

“And God is taking note of your donations. When I pray with Him every night, He lets me know how proud of you He is for allowing me to have so many bedrooms, which means the potential to take care of and support so many people in need. I don’t use that potential, because my mansion is in a very wealthy suburb, and having a bunch of poor people around would really tank our real estate values…”

“…But I’m very worried about my congregants who are people of color. It’s just that my ritzy neighborhood is really white. Like REALLY white. I’m not sure if blacks were allowed to live here until the early 90s. If my congregants start coming around, you know how many times the cops will be called? And our cops are very quick with their guns when it comes to certain skin colors, you know?”

“But God wants you to know that he supports me 100% and that if you continue to send me 10% of your money, He’ll certainly stop the spread of coronavirus and heal everyone who got infected with it. So send some money today, and help me help God help you! Remember: God always likes Jacksons more than Lincolns or Washingtons!”

“Just remember that no matter what the atheists and satanists say, it’s not hypocritical for me to ask for more money in this trying time. Don’t blame me that God has blessed me with so much of my congregation’s money. Prosperity is a sign of Godliness, so obviously since I’m rich, God is likely to listen to my prayers! And when I’m flying on my jet real high in the sky, I’m closer to God so I don’t have to pray as loud for him to hear me!”

“And my collection of sexbots is totally Godly. A lot of wealthy people pay for prostitutes, or sexually assault others and then pay them off with nondisclosure agreements, but I keep totally in line with the Gospels because it’s not adultery if my promiscuousness is with non-living hyper-realistic dolls! So send money today, because they are not cheap to regularly clean out!”

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(Picture courtesy of Joel Osteen’s website.)

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