Dear HALP,

The problem with talking about numbers of previous sexual partners is that the numbers touted are rarely accurate. For example, the output number is not only dependent on memory, which can be inaccurate, and on personal hang-ups (e.g., your purposeful low-balling of your own number), but also on other variables defined: what counts as a sexual encounter? What constitutes a single, separate sexual encounter? Who constitutes a single, separate sexual partner?

I for one am still trying to figure out a satisfactory answer to the Threesome With Identical Twins Problem, since I, as well as others, believe that the most satisfactory definition of “person” is “single living instance of Homo sapiens with distinct genome.”

The solution to your problems is simple: learn to code. I’d recommend Python; Javascript if you must. But by all means, avoid Ruby. Ruby has really jumped the shark.

Once you’ve learned to code, write a counting algorithm such that those contested global variables can be redefined in various ways. A concurrency framework will help make sure the output is as accurate as possible: we can’t have you accidentally missing a drunken hook-up or two!

But remember, this information is sensitive! But don’t be crude or cruel to your past partners. Make sure to use a hashing function to give your “priors” some measure of privacy.

When you’re done, post your project onto Github and share it with your boyfriend. Have him run your code on his own life. See what comes up! You might be surprised. His own unique dataset might help you to debug some issues that wouldn’t otherwise have come up.