Thanks for being a loyal MoviePass subscriber!

As you know, we’re still looking for a business model. Ten dollars per month for a movie a day? What a steal! In fact, we’re running out of money faster than you can say, “Help! We’re losing twenty million dollars a month!”

While we’ve yet to calculate the boring financial details, we’ve come up with these new ideas that are sure to get you excited about our subscription service—and might just keep our company operational through the next quarter.

Pay Extra for a New Movie

Imagine it’s opening weekend. You’re stoked to use MoviePass to check out a new flick that everyone wants to see. Something Zeitgeisty like “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” or “Ocean’s 8” or the coming “Schindler’s List” reboot. Wouldn’t it be sick if we charged you more for that, so we can stay in business? Hell, yeah!

Premium Screens? You Got Premium Money?

Subscribers’ No. 1 request has consistently been to add premium showings, and we’ve heard you—in surround sound! Now, for an additional fee, you can watch movies in 3-D and IMAX. Or upgrade to a 4-D experience, where a MoviePass representative will blow on your neck when it’s windy in the movie.

Bring a Guest—and Have that Guest Bring a Guest

That’s right: we’re trying out a pyramid—er, multilevel marketing scheme! Contact long-lost friends, and bait them into catching up with you . . . over a movie. The more friends you bring to MoviePass, the higher your rank becomes. The higher your rank, the more money in your wallet. Make your MoviePass work for you by making your friends work for MoviePass. Or else.

Double Features for Only Double the Price

If you throw us some extra coin, you will now be able to watch two movies in one day! Perfect for all you cinephiles out there. Or, for even more money, we’ll let you sleep in the theatre. (In the app, select “MovieBnb.”)

Other Desperate Ways to Profit Off of Your Information

We’re also looking outside of movie tickets to make some extra cash off of your data. Check out these exciting new ventures from your friends here at MoviePass:

● PopcornPass: For a dollar a month, get one large bucket of popcorn per day.

● CurrencyExchangePass: For a hundred dollars, we’ll give you a hundred euros.

● E-ZPassPass: Give us, like, two dollars, and we’ll pay for all of your tolls.

● DropPass: When you’re playing ice hockey, we’ll pass a puck directly behind you to a teammate.

Please Watch “Gotti”

MoviePass Ventures invested in the film “Gotti,” which received a rare zero-per-cent score on Rotten Tomatoes. There’s no new feature here. But if you could just watch it and give it a good rating, we’d owe you big time.

Merchandise with Our Bland Logo Slapped in the Middle

We’ve got T-shirts, hats, hoodies. What do you want? Gummy candies? Furniture? Back scratchers? We’ll buy whatever you need and sell it to you at a markup with our Amazon Prime account.

Donate to Our Indiegogo

Please?