If kindness was our default first response, I think we'd all be better off

OPINION: Last year I had a thought about human behaviour that has stuck with me, though it's never been fully resolved the way I initially envisaged it.

It was about the importance of kindness, to others, and ourselves. From memory, we were just starting the long taxi down the runway towards the general election campaign, and I was starting to find the adversarial nature of public discourse trying.

Anyway, I found myself taken with the thought of having T-shirts printed. "Above all else, be kind," they were going to say, in different languages. Such plans.

It was an exciting thought. I pictured a movement, a groundswell. I had visions of some sort of "kindness charter" connecting like-minded people. I never got around to sharing that last thought with anyone, to the best of my recollection, but it was an uplifting thought at the time.

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​But it's a year on and where are they, I hear you ask. Actually, I don't, no-one has said a word to me about that particular endeavour. This week, though, it's recurred to me.

To some extent that's been a response to some of the nastiness I've seen in the public arena, from the regrettable Jami-Lee Ross saga, spilling over into the regrettable KiwiBuild saga, with a few lower-level episodes thrown in for good measure.

I read a lot of letters to the editor in my role with Stuff, and they're a mixed bag. The ones I most enjoy are genuinely considered, well thought out, relevant to issues in the news, and promote debate. Some are quirky, some thought-provoking, some pretty nasty, attacking individuals rather than addressing issues.

Just occasionally there's one that, by any standard of decency, is unsuitable for publication. Recently I read one that was so hateful, on so many fronts, I was briefly tempted to fire off a sarcastic response.

I didn't, I just transferred it seamlessly to the "never to be published under any circumstances" inbox. (It's not currently called that. I might rename it.) It wasn't the most hateful missive I've ever read, I regret to say, but it left me angry.

So, regrets, quite a few; more than enough to mention.

In the midst of a week that's been busy and tiring and exciting, I've found myself pondering, in snatches of down time, why my plan hadn't taken off. The short answer is obviously that I wasn't properly organised. It was an idea, one that got some traction online, but got no further.

The slightly longer answers are firstly that I over-complicated the issue, thought of a hundred things I'd have to do to make it work perfectly, got overwhelmed and the moment was gone.

And secondly, more importantly, that kindness isn't necessarily a T-shirt sort of issue, it's just a way of being, of acting, a choice. Reinforcing that message certainly wouldn't be a bad thing, but ultimately it's just about making the choice to act in a certain way, and going ahead and doing that. At the base level, it's an individual choice. Not something worth getting myself worked up into an existential crisis over.

Did you know there's a World Kindness Day? It's coming up, actually, on November 13. I know about it, because one of the wonderful people from the rapidly growing charity Good Bitches Baking mentioned it to me. I like that, but I also think, honestly, that kindness is not a commodity that should need a day to highlight it, because it should be an everyday thing.

They're an amazing bunch of people, by the way, around 1600 of them nationwide, spreading kindness through baking. What's not to love about that?

Organisations like theirs, and The Aunties, which helps women and kids caught up in domestic violence, are just getting out there, walking the walk. Yes, there's some thinking involved, especially when such endeavours pick up momentum, but bottom line, they're about action. It's their manifesto, it's what they do.

It's always a thrill to me to see their posts, to realise how many people are doing things to lift others in some kind of need. And if you look around you, there's plenty of it going on, ranging in scale from the small, the individual, to the huge.

Kindness is everywhere. What struck me as I thought about that, and about the tribal nastiness dominating public discourse, was that those are the actions we should be highlighting. I remembered a friend's challenge from a few weeks ago, about emphasising the things I stand for, rather than those I stand against. So here we are.

I saw a sarcastic reference on social media the other day to "the compassionate Left". Which reinforced an important point to me, even if it wasn't the commenter's point. Despite Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern emphasising kindness in her Government's policy approach – something I certainly welcome – it's not a party political value. Yes, the statistics on social deprivation, and stories about the punitive treatment of beneficiaries, that emerged in the run-up to last year's election, made that an obvious campaign focus.

But no-one has a mortgage on kindness.

I've altered my slogan – the T-shirt one – slightly this week. As someone wise pointed out to me, there are going to be times you can't be kind. Life's like that.

But what if our default first thought was about how we could respond to any situation with kindness, consideration - before correction, before selfishness, sarcasm, nastiness, point-scoring, oneupmanship ... ? It may be that, on reflection, it's not possible, but that mindset certainly wouldn't hurt.

Kindness as a first response. I like it.

Before all else, be kind. That'll do.