A few days ago, an article I read on The Malaysian Insider pointed out that some mangkuk discovered a poorly translated version of the dress code of the Malaysian Ministry of Defense on their website. You can still see an image of the alleged poor translation here.

While I can empathise with the commoner’s perception that indeed, the whole dress code is really translated using ridiculously bad (machine?) english, I would also like to point out that this is the Ministry of Defense we’re talking about here, and things are not always what it seems when it comes to national security.

In fact, after careful consultation with my friends and colleagues who have served in various armed forces around the world, it is revealed that defence agencies often employ “battle language” to communicate their ideas so that it will not be easily understood by the enemy.

“Good morning my good sir! How may I be of service today?”

Today, The Mangkuk is going to do every Malaysian (including the much maligned MinDef) a big favour by decoding the dress code document so that everyone can truly appreciate the subtlety that goes into military communications.

The Mangkuk’s Translation of the Malaysian Ministry of Defense Dress Code

“How to dress symbolizes the personality of the officers and staff as well as the values and moral work ethics“ – Always have your gear strapped on you at all times,especially your kevlar vests and camo-sticks.

“Bush’s jacket” – High-grade bullet-proof vest developed by Americans during the presidency of George W. Bush. Rivalled in toughness only by the thick skin of George W. Bush. Impervious to bullets and international criticism. Does not mitigate risks of choking on pretzels.

“Do not misunderestimate us!”

“Malay dress clothes and bersongkok bersamping dark” – Clothing for espionage missions. Leave plenty of baggy areas under your samping and sleeves to hide kerises, parangs and emergency rations of tauhu bakar.

“tight Malay civet berbutang three” – This is a battle formation. 3 soldiers in tight formation should approach target like a pack of civet cats after their prey.

“tight Malay civet berbutang five” – Same as above, but now a 5-man squad.

“berbutang Nehru collar” – Collar your aggression and approach using a neutralist policy like the late Indian Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru. Remember, sometimes during a conflict, it is best to remain neutral and not stick your ass where it is not welcome.

“three berbutang mandarin collar” – Get a team of 3 squad mates and kung-fu the sh!t out of the target.

“worn neatly and politely in line with the practice of noble character” – Always be dressed to kill. Choose colours that will complement the bloodstains and tears of your enemies.

Also complements your brand-new Luis Vuitton handbag

“with exquisite” – Show no mercy. Take no prisoners.

“Shine closed” – Keep your shoes polished and shiny. That shows discipline. Keep your bayonets and kabar knives razor sharp and shiny. That shows you’re a professional killer.

“Guns’ for show, knives’ for pros. Got that, son?”

“Dress up that thought it seems to want to attend a party or picnic” – To go undercover for espionage and spying missions.

“Poke eye” – Not to be confused with the cantonese term “Pok Gai”, which means to drop dead. Essentially to stay out of enemies’ sight and to destroy radar facilities. “Take out their eyes!” If the enemy cannot see or detect us, they cannot kill us.

“Mongoose fight” – An aggressive fight to the death. Named after the deadly fights between mongooses and snakes.

“Take that, bitch!”

I am quite certain similarly hidden language can be found everywhere else in the Ministry’s website. So dear Malaysians, please do not be so quick to jump to conclusions. If you read, interpret and understand the language used carefully, the Ministry of Defense’s website is actually chock-ful of very useful tactical advice we can take advantage of should the Singaporeans really decide to invade us for water.

Mak datuk mangkuk…!!!