ACTON, MA—Ingesting a single 15 mg pill of the medication at the start of every school day, local 16-year-old moron Josh Wagner is completely wasting his Adderall prescription on his mental health, flabbergasted sources reported Wednesday. “Instead of moving 30 tablets a week at 10 bucks a pop, this dum-dum is taking a quick-release Addy before homeroom just to help him concentrate in math class—what a fucking moron,” classmate Dave Hoster said of the unbelievable idiot currently flushing $300 down the drain to treat a variety of ADD symptoms. “He could pull in $1,500 a semester easy, and that’s not even including what he’d get during the SATs. This guy’s easily the biggest dumbass on campus.” At press time, sources reported that Wagner had hit the jackpot when his doctor wrote him a prescription for coveted 20 mg tablets but would probably blow the whole thing on getting through the day without fidgeting uncontrollably.

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