OTTAWA, ON—Kevin O'Leary, a former Celebrity Jeopardy! contestant from Montreal, vowed in an interview with the Toronto Star yesterday that there was "not a chance in hell" that he will allow this country to continue on with its "1.5 trillion dollar deficit" (which the interviewer then contested as actually referring to our amount of national debt).

O'Leary's bold claim comes despite the fact that during his appearance on North America's favourite game of answers and questions, he entered Final Jeopardy with a score of negative $2,800, and had to be given an emergency bailout of $1,000 (which he promptly also lost).

Mr. O'Leary—whose foreign policy bona fides might also be called into question after he incorrectly guessed that Liechtenstein was the smallest country in Europe and, perhaps more troublingly for our neighbours to the south, that New Jersey was a city —was forced to borrow the $1,000 after host Alex Trebek pointed out that it is impossible to play Final Jeopardy with as little money as he had earned in the two rounds of play, as the money is supposed to go to help charities.

O'Leary has not outlined any concrete plans for how he would redeem the country from its alleged $1.5 trillion deficit—which is roughly 535,714,285 times larger than the hole from which he was unable to extricate himself without assistance, and exactly 1.5 billion times more than the $1,000 he was given to for the privilege of misidentifying the founders of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle company as the Wright Brothers, inventors of the airplane, an answer for which his $1,000 was immediately taken away from him, at which point he condemned fellow Canadian Trebek, the neutral questioner, as a "bad man."

At press time, neither O'Leary nor producers of Jeopardy! would offer any comment on whether the candidate's misspelling of his own nickname "Mr. Wonderful" on his Jeopardy! podium was intended to be ironic.

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