Matt Latimer is a former speechwriter for President George W. Bush. He is currently a co-partner in Javelin, a literary agency and communications firm based in Alexandria, and contributing editor at Politico Magazine.

They still haven’t figured out Donald Trump.

GOP leaders thought they’d outfox the frontrunner-they-don’t-want by making him sign a mafia-style “loyalty” pledge to the GOP. He signed it, no problem. And why not? The Republican Party isn’t exactly the Sopranos. What are they going to do if he breaks the pledge anyway? Break his thumbs?


In return, the geniuses behind this idea have now forced every other GOP contender to vow support for Trump if he wins the nomination—along with whoever he chooses as his running mate. Which prompts us to ask a fun and fascinating question: Just who would that running mate be?

Too soon to envision a Trump ticket, you say? Well, why should that stop us? After all, America has had to endure a year or more of earnest speculation among DC pundits about a potential Bush or Clinton White House—vision quests that are literally putting voters to sleep.

So what exactly would GOP nominee Trump do? We know, of course, what the ever-predictable professional political class would advise: that Trump pick someone with considerable Washington experience to balance the ticket. Maybe a solid Midwestern senator like Rob Portman. Or someone who can help solve his alleged problems with “the women,” like a Kelly Ayotte or maybe a Nikki Haley. He might, they’d suggest, pick a safe, calming choice—like some of the more establishment-approved Republicans he’d just run against. A Jeb Bush or a John Kasich or a Marco Rubio.

We also know what Trump would do with that advice—deep-six it faster than the Republican majority in Congress repealed Obamacare, cut spending, and halted the Iran deal. (Oh wait—they haven’t done any of those things, which is why Trump is where he is today. ) Trump wouldn’t saddle himself with someone who he thinks is part of the problem in Washington. And one can’t imagine him selecting one of the “losers” and “no-talents” he’d just defeated, much less any of those who ran campaign ads against him.

So far the only guidance we’ve gotten from Trump about who he’d have in mind as a running mate is the (seemingly) preposterous suggestion of Oprah Winfrey—which he later said was a joke. That was followed by his unlikely mention of billionaire investor Carl Icahn for a high-level post in his Cabinet.

Trump is of course notoriously unpredictable—part of his apparent allure—but those names do tell us something. Call it Trump’s unwritten rules for whom he’d select for jobs in DC. And they actually aren’t that bad:

#1. Someone who does not want the job.

#2. Someone who does not need the job.

#3. Someone he considers a “success” – I,e, very rich.

#4. Someone who is not a career politician (See Rules 1-3).

Which leaves us with a veritable Noah’s Ark of celebrities, billionaires, and celebrity-billionaires. Below is a list of the current odds for The Donald’s Number Two (set by no one with any knowledge of odds-setting):

Oprah Winfrey (Odds: A Kajillion billion million quadrazillion to 1.) As exciting as it would be to watch Vice President Winfrey teach a Master Class on being your truest self in the Rose Garden or handing out free Honda Civics to everyone on the White House staff (“You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!”), this one’s not gonna happen, plain and simple. The vice presidency is too small for Her Greatness. Though Trump might have a shot with Gayle King.

Roger Ailes (50,000 to 1.) These alleged “good friends” are seemingly less so by the day. In any event, a Trump-Ailes ticket might actually give Media Matters a moment of such manic frenzy that it would fold in on itself and create a black hole in the center of the earth. So maybe it’d be worth it.

Jesse Ventura (1,000 to 1). The former Minnesota governor and outspoken critic of both political parties might have had the inside track, but he broke a cardinal rule. He made it clear he wanted the job. That almost certainly doomed him.

Ben Carson (100–1). The likeable presidential candidate and accomplished neurosurgeon might be one of the few candidates Trump might actually consider – former Trump advisor Roger Stone seems to think so, provided he doesn’t criticize him too harshly as they fight for the lead in Iowa. But can’t you hear Trump’s announcement? “Being president doesn’t take a brain surgeon. On second thought, maybe it does.”

Ann Coulter (50-1). Could Sharknado be a premonition? She’s been an assertive Trump backer and introduced him recently in Iowa. And imagine the spectacle. The route from Rodeo Drive to the Canadian border would be packed with fleeing celebrities in their limos – in the greatest exodus since the Old Testament.

[Odds that a Trump-Coulter ticket would cause Charles Krauthammer to quit politics altogether – EVEN.]

Ted Cruz (20-1). The outspoken Texas senator is popular with the party base and is famously supportive of Trump. But he might have more fun as Senate Majority Leader—after a Trump nomination makes Mitch McConnell’s head explode.

Howard Stern (12-1). The popular radio personality is on friendly terms with Trump and has a large and loyal following. Also he’s flirted with political office before. Baba Booey for Attorney General?

Kevin O’Leary (3-1). One of the stars of the greatest pro-capitalism show on earth today, Shark Tank, ABC’s “Mr. Wonderful” has offered some admiring comments of Trump, loves money, and makes no apologies for same. But two rich white guys with hair issues on the same ticket? It’s crazy enough to be exactly what a guy like Trump would want.

Tom Brady (Even). Handsome, likeable, young, a Trump friend—a guy who will do what it takes to win. Or at least has a “general awareness” of what it takes.

And the frontrunner ….

Mark Cuban (1-2). Another Shark Tank billionaire – with a very large B – who’s praised Trump publicly, has nothing to lose, and has become increasingly unspoken about his politics.

Together these guys could do a lot of damage which, depending on your view of Washington, may not be such a bad thing.

