Today, I spent 31 minutes watching a porn parody of Bob's Burgers called Bob's Boners. Spoiler alert: Bob comes.


WoodRocket, the geniuses that have brought us porn parodies like Doctor Whore, SpongeKnob SquareNuts, and the Simpsons XXX have released their take (link NSFW) on the critically/everyone-ly acclaimed hit Bob's Burgers. Here's the trailer:

This porn really has it all: an H. Jon Benjamin impersonation that doesn't quite hit its stride until Sexxxy Bob climaxes (leaving you wondering if that's what H. Jon Benjamin actually sounds like when he ejaculates), an accurate set, and light acoustic guitar music.


The premise of this 31-minute film (besides the fuckin') is actually not an entirely implausible Bob's Burgers storyline: the "Adult Exotic Con Biz Show" is coming to town and Bob and Linda are trying to come up with a punny name for their burger of the day, a Bob's Burger staple.

Considering they're up against classics like "I Fought the Slaw (And the Slaw Won)" and "Tarragon in Sixty Seconds," Sexy Bob and Sexy Linda's idea "Sheep Throat," a burger that is 100% lamb, isn't bad. Personally I would have gone with the "Prawn Jeremy," a surf and turf burger, but I guess you can't have it all. Unless you're Sexxxy Linda Belcher I guess, but that happens later.

So, Sexxxy Bob and Linda find Tina's Butt Fan Fiction (aka Tina's Erotic FriendFiction). But hang on.


I know this is super nitpicky, but listen, this show is about a struggling mom and pop restaurant. There is no way Linda would be sporting a rock that big. Anyway, they read about Tina's fantasy for her 18th birthday, it cuts to an odd dream sequence type thing with 18-year-old Tina and Jimmy Jr. and a zombie and zero sex. None.


Then back to Linda and Bob, and after seven and a half minutes of Bob's Burger references and deep character development, we finally get to the sexy part. And this is really where the attention to detail comes out:


But there is one crucial piece missing from this whole ordeal. Linda's catchphrase. "Alright." Alriiiiight. It's probably the most defining feature of Bob's Burgers—it's the "D'oh" of the Belcher family. I patiently waited through a lengthy blow job (pro tip: slurping down ramen noodles while watching a woman give a v. wet blow job is a bit awkward), absolutely zero cunnilingus, and penetration in three or four different positions to hear Tabitha Stevens say "Alriiiiiiiiight" as a pièce de résistance for entire genre of parody porn. Every moment that went by without an "Alright" only increased my expectations for one spectacular orgasmic utterance of the word. But nothing.


Linda did, however, say "Fucking make me do stuff." No idea what that means.

I guess my sentiments are best summed up in Linda's final line, after she swallows Bob's "special sauce": "It's a little salty, but it's good."

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