US mass shooters urged to coordinate to avoid encroaching on each other’s news cycles

Mass shooters inside the US have been urged to coordinate better after two mass shootings on the same day were in danger of encroaching on each other’s news cycle.

With one shooter killing 20 and wounding 26 more in El Paso, Texas, and another shooter killing 9 and wounding 26 more in another mass shooting in Dayton just a few hours later, mass shooters have been reminded that news channels only have so much bandwidth.

Media relations consultant Chuck Williams told us, “What these mass shooters have to realise is that the US public only has so much attention to go around, so when they choose the same day to go on their shooting sprees they are actually diluting the attention they’ll receive.

“It’ll get much worse if one of them happens to be brown or from an immigrant family, because then the President will jump into the fray to push his immigration reform and they’ll drop even further down the news agenda. If they’re white, they’ll get probably lucky because he’ll tweet something about thoughts and prayers and then shut up about it.

“Maybe some sort of shared calendar would help these mass shooters get organised? We’re averaging about one mass shooting in a day in the US at the moment, so maybe just pick a day each and stick to it?”

Meanwhile, gun enthusiasts have criticised the anti-gun lobby for shamelessly highlighting things that have definitely happened and lives that have definitely been lost in their attempts to bring in sensible gun reform.

NRA member Travis Matthews told us, “These liberals do-gooders are all in the pocket of ‘Big Alive’ – they’re just shills being paid to promote being alive so the secretive companies behind this nefarious ‘living’ scheme can make even more money out of you while you’re busy being alive.

“The only way to fight it, is with more guns. Yes it is, shut up.”