America Celebrates Independence from Rest of Planet

Jul 04, 2018

July 4th. America, in a galaxy far far away

The United States celebrates its Independence Day today.

The annual tradition, taking place every July 4th, marks the moment where the Unites States banded together to declare itself free from any attachment or responsibility to the rest of Earth.

"Today marks the day where America, the center of our own private planetoid system, became free to do whatever we want,” said its acting CEO and president.

"Whatever we want to the land, the sea, and the sky. Whatever we want to the animals and planets and people all around, because we don't need no Mama Africa or Papa Europe. We're 18 now, ok? You hear that? I can do whatever I want. I have a right, dammit. I have a bill of rights right here, you see? It's my right!"

Last seen, American was flying at a cool 17,760 miles per hour, heading west, far from the warm sunlight to where it's nice and cool.