It’s here, bitches! H-E-R-E!

All Stars 3 starts rights off with two fabulous handmaidens, both obviously named Ofrupaul, walkin’ down the dirty city street. Really, though, it’s our previous All Stars winners, Chad Michaels and Alaska, discussing the upcoming season. They don’t seem too happy about having to sit back and do nothing while everyone else has fun.

Let’s get All Star-ted! Okurrr!

Winners first: It’s Trixie Mattel! Our girl with the moving parts zooms in on roller blades and almost falls over, fixing herself up with a silly pun.

She’s campy, she’s cheesy, she’s pink, it’s classic Trixie and I love it.

Next up, it’s Milkin’ time! And she got a bit of lactose intolerance too.

I am completely living for her look (even the helmet-y bowl cut) but boy Milk immediately introduces himself as “Zaddy” and that’s an instant turn-off.

Then he makes a milk carton pun that can only be described as a dad joke. Or should I say a zad joke?

Chi Chi DeVayne is here! And she’s wearing an extremely expensive-looking version of a trash bag outfit. These queens and their trash bags, my goodness.

Chi Chi almost loses her hat twice while saying hi to the girls and Trixie calls the hat out as her inner saboteur.

Heeeeere’s Thorgy! I’m so torn over this look. It’s both fabulous and hideous. I guess that’s how fashion works. Awright, Miss Thor, you get a pass this time!

Immediately upon noticing her, Chi Chi rolls her eyes. And what an eye-roll. Evidently, Chi Chi was just as annoyed as we all were about Thorgy Thor’s inability to let her jealousy of Bob the Drag Queen go.

Somehow I expected Chi Chi and Thorgy to be BFFs. I guess I was wrong? There might be some drama there at some point. Fingers crossed!

Everybody shut up, it’s Morgan McMichaels! Ooo, and bitch, she looks good.

Morgan’s candor and intensity haven’t changed since season 2, and that should make for some really interesting TV in an age of queens who are always editing themselves for the audience.

“Good cast so far,” Milk declares. “Who’s gonna fuck it up?”

And in comes Aja. Awkward.

Aja’s ready for her rudemption, less than a year later. This could either go really well for her or really horribly. We shall see.

BenDeLaCreme is here! She runs in just like she did in season 6, except with even more crazy. She’s also wearing a modified version of her season 6 finale gown, which is super clever. Gotta start where you left off!

But actually, though, if we’re gonna talk about Dela’s fashion, I wanna talk about that felt crown and the matching bowtie. Forget the gown, now THAT is a lewk.

Um… Yeah, so…

Trixie Mattel theorizes in her confessional that Kennedy Davenport is the older version of Chi Chi DeVayne who’s come back from the future. Because they’re both wearing ugly outfits. And they’re black…?

While everyone is staring at Kennedy’s very loud outfit, a package comes into the werk room. It’s Shangela, because of course it is!

In addition to her usual “halleloo” shtick, Shangela now also tends to emit this high-pitched scream to punctuate her sentences. Kind of like Jaymes Mansfield‘s nervous squeaking, except a thousand times louder. Oof.

“SHE DONE ALREADY DONE HAD HERSES!” The queens hear, which is drag for “Get yo’ ass over to the TV!”

Ru welcomes his queens to All Stars 3, but before they can get started, they’re gonna have to meet the competition’s 10th queen. Who could that be?

Off everyone’s panicked looks, we reintroduce…

It’s Bebe Zahara Benet, the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 1! Well, ain’t that a gaggerini. Because she had so little exposure to the massive audience that Drag Race has now, Bebe is being brought back as a contestant so everyone can get to know her all over again. Is that fair to the other girls? I don’t think RuPaul cares.

This year, like last time, it’s All Stars rules: the top two queens for each maxi-challenge will Lip-Sync For Their Legacy™, and the winner gets to decide which of the bottom queens goes home. After all, it made for amazing TV on All Stars 2, so why change a winning formula?

Without further ado, let’s welcome the Pit Crew!

It’s time for the best mini-challenge of all, right off the bat: the one where they read each other to filth! Yay!

Thorgy’s up first: “The only thing more annoying than Shangela is Bob the Drag Queen.”

Milk pulls her hair down in order to “Sia this bitch.” And then she goes straight for Kennedy’s lazy eye.

Trixie, to Aja: “You’re beautiful, you’re gorgeous, you look like Seal.”

Aja, however, gets points for having the balls to be the first in the group to read Bebe Zahara Benet.

Dela compares Thorgy to Pennywise the clown, then goes for Shangela’s age and Bebe’s teeth. That wins her the session, the first mini-challenge… and a $3,000 gift certificate! That VH1 coin is showing.

This week, to get everyone reacquainted with them and their talents, the queens are tasked with putting on a little talent show. Just like last year, but with less Raven-Symoné.

The girls start to de-drag and talk about their first go on Drag Race, and how perceptions of them might be different after this season. BenDeLaCreme tells Trixie Mattel she wishes Valentina were here, so she wouldn’t have to worry about automatically being the worst Miss Congeniality on the season. Bloop!

Meanwhile, Chi Chi DeVayne is… eating her earrings.

The girls discuss the elimination format, and Morgan McMichaels isn’t nervous about it at all. In fact, she’s all for it. She plans to take down the strongest competition the first chance she gets.

Trixie and Dela are a little bit shook at this bit of news. To them, eliminating a fan favorite is career suicide – and it’s not necessarily the best way to win, either.

Aja points out, in private, that maybe declaring out loud that she intends to personally take out the biggest threats first was not the smartest thing for Morgan to do.

It’s elimination day! Milk comes into the werk room saying “Zaddy’s home,” so he’s officially canceled.

Bebe Zahara Benet, in all her Cameroonian fabulousness, wonders how long it’ll take for all the “kissy kissy kissy,” as she puts it, to start to disappear under the pressure of the competition. Probably not long, Bebe. Probably not long.

As they’re getting ready, Chi Chi and Kennedy Davenport talk about who they’re most surprised to be seeing here, and for Kennedy, that’s Aja. Because she’s a baby queen who was on Drag Race half a minute ago. They laugh about it, and it kinda sounds like they’re laughing at her.

Shangela jumps in to defend Aja, saying the girl’s been doing drag for over six years and she’s no newbie. Kennedy claps back by saying they’re not talking about that, and she calls Shangela “Miss Thang,” so you KNOW she’s not fucking around. That escalated so quickly and I have no idea why.

At long last, the moment errybody’s been waiting for: the main stage!

Let’s get this variety show started!

Shangela’s up first, and she’s lip-syncing to her own track. It starts with some cute gospel, and then it goes into crazy convulsing Shangela-isms. Hair flips everywhere. She ends with one of her signature high-speed death drops, where she hits the floor so hard you can feel your own bones cracking just watching her.

Bebe Zahara Benet comes in showing off what won her the season 1 crown: her African heritage. She’s fierce, she’s beautiful, she’s got moves, and always, always, serves face.

Thorgy goes for a violin number, because who else in this group can say she plays the violin? Except halfway through, she turns it into an upbeat number. And she does a cartwheel, one-handed, in heels, while holding a violin and bow in her other hand.

Aja comes out GUNS. BLAZING. Two outfit reveals, vogueing, high-speed lip-syncing, and…

She jumps off a box INTO a death drop. Eat your heart out, Shangela. And Kennedy Davenport. And Chi Chi DeVayne. And everyone watching from home.

Kennedy’s number is pretty similar. Kicks, splits, jumps, hair flips… and a cartwheel ONTO the box.

Dela is next, and after all the crazy fast-paced dance routines, she’s giving us a fun change of pace with a burlesque number. Except she’s wearing a dozen pair of bras, and with every pair she takes off, the tassels are different. It’s genius.

Chi Chi DeVayne does a baton-twirling dance number. In flats. And wearing green. Uh-oh.

It’s not the best thing, sadly, and her look is not helping. Thorgy Thor is not impressed, and neither is Michelle Visage.

Morgan does a lip-sync to her own song, like Shangela and Aja, but unlike those two, the energy’s not quite there. It’s not great.

After those stinkbombs, Trixie Mattel comes in looking adorable and performing her own country song live while playing her autoharp. It’s sweet, touching, and quintessentially Trixie.

Milk does this super conceptual live performance where she sings about fashion while gluing various articles of cardboard clothing to herself.

She makes up for the number’s weirdness with her energy and just barely gets away with it.

Trixie Mattel, Bebe Zahara Benet, Milk, and Kennedy Davenport are all safe. Not sure I’d place Milk in the safe category but awright. After some critiques, Shangela and Thorgy Thor are safe as well.

As expected, Chi Chi DeVayne is torn to shreds for that outfit, and Morgan McMichaels is told her risk did not quite pay off. Those two queens are in the bottom, while Aja and BenDeLaCreme are the top two! Now, the two of them will have to go determine who goes home at the end of the night.

The ladies go back to the werk room for cocktails and deliberations. No one can really seem to agree on a unanimous way to pick who stays and who goes each night. Dela takes Chi Chi to the side for a heart-to-heart, during which she tells her “sometimes you’re done, and that’s okay.”

Meanwhile, the judges are having fun watching guest judge Vanessa Hudgens lip-sync against Porkchop.

Backstage, Ms. Creme asks Morgan McMichaels if she really meant what she said earlier about wanting to send home the biggest competition the moment she got the chance. As someone who just won the mini-challenge AND the maxi-challenge week one, Dela is understandably feeling threatened. In a perfect world, Morgan would try to ease her concerns and sound nice to diffuse the tension.

But it’s Morgan, so…

This is it. The lip-sync for your legacy. And Dela and Aja are performing to a personal favorite, Anaconda by Nicki Minaj. Werk!

Aja got a costume change, she looks fierce, she’s hitting all the notes and giving full-on Minaj extravaganza.

But BenDeLaCreme has amped up the camp and silliness of the song to 300% and it is so, so funny. When all is said and done, Dela emerges as the winner of the first lip-sync for your legacy!

Now comes the time for elimination. Dela goes all out with explaining how she feels about the situation. She says they decided almost unanimously that they didn’t want to take out the competition, but rather, someone they thought did poorly that week. But one queen in the bottom didn’t quite agree with that strategy. So “in the interest of everyone moving forward…”

As Morgan sashays away, Aja cryptically reveals she has other plans as far as elimination is concerned and she doesn’t intend to stick to Dela’s “unanimous” decision. Oh dear.

Morgan says her goodbyes, collects her trophy, and writes on the mirror, but is interrupted by a mysterious message from RuPaul that obviously means she’ll get to come back for her revenge. And while she’s trying to figure that out, a couple queens show up behind her…

That’s it for week one, kitty girls! Are you happy with the outcome? I love Morgan, so I’m sad about her elimination. But at least she’ll get to ru-turn later!

Shall we start off our weekly rundown?

Shangela – As expected, quite a few of the other queens are annoyed by her presence, which means she might not have a lot of allies here. However, her talent is undeniable, and that will probably allow her to stick around a lot more than other girls’ opinions of her.

Bebe Zahara Benet – It’s a bit hard to tell what Bebe is thinking most of the time. She’s been pretty quiet thus far and her next moves are anyone’s game. But she’s won a freaking season already, so… she’s obviously a force to be reckoned with.

Thorgy Thor – I was honestly hoping Thorgy would be a bit more zen this time around and would have let go of her season 8 grudges by now, but she’s already mentioned Bob the Drag Queen, like, twice, so… I have some concerns.

Aja – Well, for someone who literally everybody thought was going to go home first, Aja killed it. I’m really happy for her. She deserves some love. Now, how long will she stay in the top? Her ominous line at the end was very intriguing. I’m anxious to see what she does next.

Kennedy Davenport – Kennedy picked up right where she left off, criticizing the younger queens and laughing people off. It’s a brand, I guess, but it’s not the best strategy when you literally depend on your fellow queens to not get eliminated. Her attitude could come back to bite her in the padding.

BenDeLaCreme – Ben slayed it, through and through. If there was an obvious winner edit so far, Ben would have it. What’s great about this queen is how unpredictable she is, though, so even an obvious winner edit (if she was getting one in the first place) wouldn’t ruin my enjoyment of her.

Chi Chi DeVayne – Our bayou queen got off to a very rough start, but I know she can do a lot better. I’m glad she’s still around. Hopefully, she turns things around for herself stat, because she’s kinda looking like the messy queen of the season so far.

Trixie Mattel – Trixie didn’t do anything hugely memorable this week, but she did get a lot of fun confessionals. I’m glad her sense of humor is shining through a bit more than in season 7 this time around.

Milk – I’m on the fence about Milk. She seems to be trying to go for a villain role in confessionals, which is unexpected. I’m really not sure how much longer she’ll be able to last alongside these other fierce queens, though. If she’s planning something good, she better pull it out fast.

Keep on reading, chickadees. Bye for now!