Big Ten Coaches Ranked By Attractiveness, From The Perspective Of Walruses

[ED: flight limits available time today but this is probably the best thing ever so yeah.]

Some time ago, Catlab released… well… this.

I have watched it dozens of times, and now I will render judgment on which Big Ten coaches could hypothetically scrape out a living as a call-walrus (callrus?) in a dystopian future like Planet of the Apes, except with walruses.

This is important. I will brook no dissent, commenters.

1. JERRY KILL, MINNESOTA

Already the species' best bet at seducing an intergalactic gopher bent on enslaving earth, Jerry Kill doubles as Walrus Olivia Wilde. Missed his calling as black ops animal kingdom Al Qaeda infiltrator. Ooooh la la.

2. BRET BIELEMA, WISCONSIN

I LIKE BIG FACE AND I CANNOT LIE

YOU OTHER WALRII CAN'T DENY

WHEN A BRET WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY EYE AND THAT ROUND CHIN IN YOUR FACE

YOU GET

I DON'T KNOW

YOU GARRUMP AND ROLL AROUND AND MAYBE TUSK SOMETHING

WHATEVER WALRUSES DO

AND THEN YOU SAY YOU WERE GREAT BABY AND LEAVE TO GO SEDUCE SOME PIGS

LITERALLY PIGS

I DON'T GET IT EITHER

3. BILL O'BRIEN, PENN STATE

Soulful blue walrus eyes, and a chin-dimple for days.

4. BRADY HOKE, MICHIGAN

Finishes second to Kill in luxurious goiter, but lacks the crazy beady eyes of Bielema. Starting every sentence with "well" a downside in super slo-mo walrusland because it takes him forever to ask for a sandwich, or tell you your tusks are pearlescent in the surf.

5. DANNY HOPE, PURDUE

The tusky mustache of course, but Hope's rather blocky appearance hurts him when we're talking about a species that is way into bulging curves, I mean I guess it's not like I have a machine I made that allows me to type in any species and get a detailed profile of their proclivities.

Seriously, I don't have one. Who would make something like that.

6. KEVIN WILSON, INDIANA

If such a machine existed—it does not—it would probably say that what Kevin Wilson brings in the curvy department he does not bring in the naughty bad boy department. I mean, a walrus wants a thrill and Kevin Wilson is all hanging out being stable with his two years of service in Bloomington. Eyes naturally wander to the drifters populating the rest of whatever that division is called.

Seriously the machine does not exist.

ACTUAL WALRUS DIVIDING LINE

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MARK DANTONIO, MICHIGAN STATE

Would have better luck with marmosets, lemurs, and bible-thumping hypocrites. The machine is just a figment of your imagination.

PAT FITZGERALD, NORTHWESTERN

You're just trying too hard, Fitzgerald.

9. KIRK FERENTZ, IOWA

Not even trying, and it shows, on the field, in commercials, and at the walrus brothel.

10. TIM BECKMAN, ILLINOIS (FOR NOW)

Gives off too much of a skeevy serial killer vibe for any species. Forehead is a phrenology nightmare indicating several extreme proclivities that cannot be repeated lest they summon the Great Old Ones.

11. URBAN MEYER, OHIO STATE

Fact: Urban Meyer is impervious to video transform filters, and has no reflection.

12. BO PELINI, NEBRASKA

The transformation actually increased Bo Pelini's attractiveness to humans, but that doesn't mean either species is chasing that.