Man Feeds The Hungry At All Times, Uses Food If Necessary

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Inspired by a popular St. Francis of Assisi quote meme urging him to “preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary,” local altruist Allen Gammage has changed his humanitarian strategy, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“All these years I’ve been trying to feed starving people with food,” Gammage explained to reporters. “Now I recoil in shame at my audacity.”

The Assisi quote hit Gammage like a false dichotomy. “I realized I’d been forcing food into empty stomachs, as if that was their deepest need. Sure, a warm meal might be the difference between life and death, and I’ll offer one ‘if necessary.’ But what the starving-to-death really need is to be fed—you know, someone to do life with.”

On whether Assisi really said this—or whether it’s even possible to feed the hungry without food—Gammage insists that’s beside the point. “Listen, there are hungry people all around us who need to be loved on. This is no time for ivory tower precision.”

“I’ve gotta run,” Gammage told reporters. “But I’d be glad to give you my number, and if necessary use digits.”

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