I don’t usually write this late in the evening but I had to. I would not be able to sleep if I let this go. I always clean my cookies and shut down the computer but for some reason I did not know one half hour ago why I let everything remain on.

I am sitting here with a stomach ache and pain running through my blood. My muscles feel tight and I almost feel like I am going to vomit. I just got through watching Joyce Meyers. Someone two days ago and if I am thinking right it was my friend Cathy who asked me, have you ever seen Joyce’s testimony show?

I had never seen it I told her. Wait a second, I have to get myself under control. My fingers are turning icy and my arms are quivering. What is going on here? I feel like I am being taken over by something or someone. My neck feels stiff and my feet are cold.

Alright I am going to try this again. I went to my room and flipped on the TV. I always watch Joyce Meyers between 10:30 and 11pm. I think I am freaking out because another friend of mine, Cheryl had asked me to go back to the beginning to write about Al‘s Life Journey.

I had actually started my first chapter beginning when Al was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I have that saved and will put it in place when I get to that point. I did go back and I was forced to say for the first time out loud that I had been abused. I know Al was too, I just don’t know what kind of abuse he suffered. His fears early in life prove to me something drastic happened to him.

When I watched Joyce I felt like someone was picking me up and pulling me through the TV screen. The show was her testimony show that I was just recently asked if I had seen only a couple of days ago.

As my friend’s question began to race through my mind and I listened to Joyce’s words about her own sexual abuse I was relating so well it was almost as if I had lived with her when she was young or maybe I was that black shadow watching from the corners.

She had it much worse than me and I thanked God that I don’t remember nearly as well as she does about our childhoods. The more I listened the more I kept asking myself, is this planned for me to hear? Is this book of Al’s Journey of Life supposed to be written right at this time in my life? It was actually making me feel uncomfortable because I could tell with no doubt that God had this all planned to the second. I say uncomfortable because facing fears is not one of my high points in life.

As I am writing this I can almost see a wilting, black rose shrinking over in the corner of my living room. I can almost hear screaming words of No! He can’t win! I am having too much fun. I have controlled her life for so many years. Just a few more years, let me have her for a few more years.

My eyes are watering as I feel this playing out right here in my room I am typing in. I have never seen God but I feel like he is standing so close to me right now I am actually shivering.

I can’t really tell you how I feel about hearing her sermon and how it is connecting to my story. My brain can’t take it in quick enough. But, I do know that something good is going to come from this. I do know that there is going to come a time where I too shall be set free from the feelings of never being wanted all my life.

Some where through this typing I keep getting this nudging that keeps telling me Al is involved with this too. Al is filled up with Parkinson’s. I don’t know how I can help him by God healing me. Maybe it is just that Al consumes my mind so much I am thinking about him even as I write.

Several people have told me through this year of blogging that maybe I am the one to learn a lesson through Al’s illness. I have always dismissed this because I would get angry. I never want or wanted to be the reason Al is suffering from this terrible disease. But now I am softening around the edges. I still don’t know what is happening. I feel foggy and yet I feel God very clear right here, right next to me.

I will stop now because it is almost too much for me to digest. All I know is something happened in my bedroom on my bed while I was listening to Joyce Meyers talk about how God healed her from her past. And now she is a witness to others leading many to Christ.

Good night my friends……….

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