As it becomes increasingly apparent that nobody, actually, can make Brexit happen without a) tearing the British political system into shreds; and b) plunging the UK into apocalyptic darkness, with zombies roaming the wasteland clutching tins of baked beans to their breasts, more and more people have suggested that perhaps we need a second referendum.

This idea has been kicking about ever since the British people realised that Nigel Farage, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Arron Banks had somehow made themselves the rulers of this country. But the talk has become more credible of late, with Justine Greening and others arguing that it is the only way out of this mess, and this has allowed me to dream. What if, next time, remain won? And this then made me dream some more.

In 2016, leave won and its die-hard supporters, the Brexiters, immediately took this to mean that the people had not just spoken but specifically said, “Please give us the most extreme, most self-defeating, most ideological Brexit possible, even though it means breaking almost all the promises you made during the campaign, such as more money for schools and hospitals, staying in the single market and customs union, and a deal being totally easy to pull off. We don’t care about the quality of our lives – just give us hard Brexit!” So, to equal things up, it seems fair that if remain were to win a second vote, then its most devoted faction – the remainiacs – should insist on a “hard remain”. Come with me, my friends, to a Britain that is not just in Europe, but is Europe. Welcome to hard remain.

The morning after the referendum, we will immediately chuck out the pound and adopt the euro. Is this a good idea? Oh blah blah financial stuff blah. Boring! As the Brexiters told us once the wheels of hard Brexit started to come off, Brexit was not actually about finances, but about identity. “I never said it would be a beneficial thing to leave [the EU], just that we would be self-governing,” Farage said in June on LBC radio. (It must have been a different Nigel Farage who, on 23 February 2016 tweeted, “British workers will be better off outside EU”.)

Hard remain is similarly ideologically driven, so the remainiacs will announce that Britain’s national language is now Belgian. After some belated Googling reveals there’s no such language, an addendum will clarify that Britain’s national language is now Flemish. Sure, it may not make sense financially, historically or practically; it may not even be possible. But that won’t stop the hard remainiacs shouting, “Saboteur!” at anyone who expresses a qualm.

Next, all chewing gum will be banned except for Hollywood, aka the world’s most disgusting chewing gum, but an essential part of the European experience, as anyone who ever went to mainland Europe as a teenager knows. Other new rules to be implemented will include: all hot chocolate must be drunk out of a bowl instead of a mug; Orangina is the only acceptable fizzy beverage; and only Nutella may be spread on toast, never, ever, ever peanut butter - bof! Though based on nostalgia, like hard Brexit, hard remain is inspired even more by its supporters’ memories of their school French exchanges 25 years ago.

But Brexit wasn’t just about the recent past – it was about a glorious historical past, even if that historical past was, in point of fact, horrible for the people who lived through it. So whereas in 2017 Farage posed solemnly in front of a poster for the movie Dunkirk, as though that film justified Brexit, in 2018 hard remainiacs will pose in front of whatever West End theatre is home to Les Misérables these days. Les Misérables recounts a glorious if bloody moment in France’s history, while the musical itself is France’s greatest cultural contribution. (Don’t @ me.)

Naturally there will be other rules. All nice coffee with foam will be banned after 10am, and instead people must drink coffee that looks and tastes like mud out of tiny Lavazza cups. Everyone must wake at 6am to bagsie the best sun lounger every single day. Berets will be the only acceptable form of headwear. This won’t benefit anyone, and does not reflect any kind of reality, past or present; but, like hard Brexit, hard remain is rooted in the most childish, simplistic national stereotypes.

Finally, and most importantly, the passports. “The humiliation of having a pink European Union passport will now soon be over and the United Kingdom nationals can once again feel pride and self-confidence in their own nationality,” a Tory MP by the name of Andrew Rosindell crowed in 2017. Sadly for Mr Rosindell, passports will stay pink – burgundy, actually, as the elite remainers and people who aren’t colour-blind call it – thereby confirming our pride and self-confidence in our Europeanism, or at least our pride in being able to go through airport security that little bit faster when we travel in Europe. And frankly, if there’s an issue British people care about more, I have yet to encounter it. Bring on hard remain!