God, I hate to be the one to tell you this.

Indiana Jones, man, legendary archaeologist?

When you have an action hero who is also his own comic relief, the orientation of the comedy dictates which of two very different versions of hero you have. The comedy either aims up or down. Chris Pratt is just aimed in the completely wrong direction to play the archaeologist we all know and — no time for love Dr Jones!

Aiming down is how you get a hero who is highly capable 95% of the time but you get to laugh when he screws up and you realize he’s not quite as badass as you (or he) thought he was. This is Indiana Jones. When he admits to making it up as he goes along it’s funny because we all assumed he had his shit together. It’s also ironic that he’s a school professor because of how bonkers exciting we known usual exploits are. We saw him first as the adventurer, dodging poison darts, outrunning boulders and escaping the Hovitos.

When the comedy aims up, on the other hand, you get a character like Jack Sparrow, where the laughs come from him actually able to pull something off. Jack is also an adventurer but in this case, we saw him as captain of a sinking dinghy first. He’s on the polar opposite end of the spectrum. Characters throughout the Pirates franchise marvel at Jack’s ability to do anything right and question if he’s really even doing it of his own agency.

I posit that Chris Prat plays characters who aim up. Not as far a distance as Jack Sparrow, mind you but the comedy of his characters is mined from the same quarry. Star-Lord kicks ass but first, he danced with a skeleton to “come and get your love.” Even the action hero he plays straightest, Owen in the Jurassic World films, is introduced as a dingus who wore board shorts on a date and thrusts his fist because it’s funnier than just saying the word “mate.”

This is not to say Pratt doesn’t have the chops to play a different kind of character but it’s just who we identify him as because he, as an actor, worked comedically upwards in real life. He’s still the lovable schlub from Parks and Rec who got fit and was declared an action hero, and no matter what the story dictates, we’ll just think it’s kind of funny that he’s there. Pratt would play an alternate universe Indiana Jones where he’s a professor first and foremost, who finds himself thrust into adventures. Look at how he’s utilized in the LEGO movies where we can't even see him but it’s still just kind of hilarious that he’s an action star. We would never be able to really buy into him as Jones because we couldn't get it out of our heads that it’s just our buddy Chris pretending to be Indiana.

Who knows if this was just a fan casting or if anyone in Hollywood was ever actually considering putting him in the role. It was a fun idea but it always just felt off. Let’s say Lucasfilm really was looking for someone to pass the whip to. Their smartest move would be looking into the Tom Hardys and Oscar Issacs of the world (Issac being this go-around’s answer to Han Solo would provide a fancy symmetry as well.) If you want to reset the years but keep the mileage you gotta look into your Armie Hammers or Garret Hedlunds. I know people like to rag on him for not always having the deepest well of charisma but I bet Charlie Hunnam would slay as Indy. Hell, you want something really cool? Fit Chiwetel Ejiofor for the fedora. Rewatch The Martian and tell me he doesn’t have the “well this isn’t going my way” comedy chops. Then you cast Chris Pratt as his pilot or a tramp steamer captain who, when the chips are down, manages to get things right for a change.