Reader’s note: This column is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

It’s time for men’s rights activism at GW.

Male students at this University have been forced to listen to feminist complaints – everything from equal pay to street “harassment” – for far too long.

There’s plenty of representation for women and women’s issues on this campus, including the Feminist Student Union, the Network of Enlightened Women, Voices for Choices, Women in Business and countless others. But where are the organizations for men’s interests? Why don’t we have a Fedora Association? A Brony Club? Neckbeards Anonymous? A Reddit Contributors’ Society?

Without essential organizations like these, men’s rights activists at GW are suffering. They have nowhere to go to discuss how to threaten women who play video games, how to fight the feminist agenda, strategies for offensive Tinder etiquette and thousands of other important issues that affect men’s lives every day.

The bottom line: GW’s student population is 55 percent female, making men the minority and putting them at great risk for being overlooked. Men are clearly underrepresented here – and it’s time for that to change.

But we have a long fight ahead of us because this University is controlled by radical, liberal misandrists who have designs for destroying male students’ lives. Every year, more and more men at GW fall victim to harmful practices like friend zoning – a woman’s refusal to hook up with a male acquaintance, even though he’s held the door open for her several times and bought her coffee at least once – which often leaves them scarred for life.

And that’s not all. Men suffer major financial losses if they choose to go out to bars or clubs on weekends. Whereas women get all the drinks they want for free, men are forced to pay hundreds of dollars for alcohol not only for themselves, but also for women – women who might not even offer sex in return for such generosity.

Being turned down in such situations is, quite frankly, embarrassing, and no man at GW should ever have to go through that again.

A man’s ego can suffer at GW in other ways, too. Women are constantly crossing the street to avoid men, and male students who make unsolicited comments about women’s bodies are labeled “creepy” or “pervs.”

While walking drunkenly down the street with their friends, men should be able to yell, “Hey sexy!” or “I’d hit that!” or “Nice ass!” at a lone female student any time of night. Preventing male students from voicing their opinions about any woman’s appearance because she is “afraid” or “uncomfortable” is a clear infringement on their God-given, First Amendment rights.

At the very least, we need a group on campus that exclusively represents the interests of men’s rights activists: GW Men Against Feminism and Female Empowerment.

Without any organizations to call their own, male students at GW will never see progress. Can a man really be a man without the ability to wear his “Cool story, babe. Now make me a sandwich” T-shirt proudly? Can a man really be a man if he can’t take up three seats on the Metro? Can a man really be a man if he can’t take a men’s history class?

No, he can’t. And that’s the real tragedy.

Pair A. BlueJeans, a junior majoring in ladiez, is The Hatchet Job’s contributing echo chamber editor.

This article appeared in the April 1, 2015 issue of the Hatchet.