Last month, California's state Legislature passed a bill that would allow autonomous, self-driving cars on the road, a move that terrifies all three people who saw Maximum Overdrive. The rest of us, though, find it difficult to imagine how a robotic car could be any worse than human drivers. For instance, last time I was driving the freeway I saw eight people texting while driving. I know it was eight because I tweeted every time I saw one.

However, I understand that the cold gleam of robotic perfection can unnerve some people, and seeing a driverless car smoothly changing lanes at a reasonable speed while using its turn signals and not cutting people off may be too much for some people, especially Bostonians, to bear. So, in the spirit of helpfulness I present these suggestions to make robot cars seem more human. And, in the spirit of greed I'm patenting every single one of these ideas and automakers better have a money shovel handy if they want to use any of them.

Warning Honks ————-

I find that when I hesitate to step on the gas after the light turns green, it takes, on average, one trillionth of a second for the person behind me to honk. That kind of reaction time is years away for robotic cars, but we can still get one honking unneccessarily pretty danged quick. Of course, a robot car won't be able to tell if there's a good reason for the delay, such as an elderly person crossing the street right in front of the offending car's grille, so it will be even more human-like!

Random Parking ————–

The temptation will be to have self-driving cars park themselves perfectly between the white lines in the parking lot. This must not happen. The sight of a Walmart lot filled with perfectly spaced, perfectly straight cars will make people feel like we're living in some robotic dystopia full of order and rationality. Instead, the program should generate a number between thirty and negative twelve, and have it park that number of inches from the line. For added reality, Humvees should park themselves across two spaces, and other cars should be programmed to key them.

Speed Limits ————

One problem with programming cars is explaining the difference between the speed limit and the real speed limit. The speed limit is posted on signs, but the real speed limit is a complex quantum equation taking into account the speed of the current traffic flow, the time of day, the skin color of the driver, the current state of policeman's union negotiations, and the number of bullet holes in the nearest speed limit signs.

Yellow Lights ————-

If robotic cars hit the brake – or, uh, hit themselves? Something like that. – when they see a yellow light, they'll immediately be bashed in the rear by a driver who assumed, naturally, that any car about to go through an intersection with a yellow light will speed up, as both God and Science God intended. Robotic cars should calculate their current speed, cross-reference it with the expected span of time that the yellow light will be active, take into account current weather conditions and pedestrian traffic, then toss all that out and speed up.

It may seem like my suggestions will lead to unsafe highways where you're taking your life into your hands every time you merge into traffic, but you'd be wrong. It will merely maintain the current level of death and mayhem, and hey, that's what's worked so far.

- - -

Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a backseat driver, a Sunday driver, and a device driver.