A LEAGUE OF ITS OWN

In case you missed it this past Tuesday, the fine folks at Xbox and our friends at Psyonix took it upon themselves to celebrate my birthday (at least that’s what I assume was obviously the reason) by announcing long-awaited details on Rocket League, an awesome and action-packed title that combines multiple things I adore: racing, sports, and now, a literal dash of my favorite fictional universe. Rocket League will be speeding its way onto Xbox One on February 17th, and will feature a particularly… “ambitious” version of everyone’s favorite UNSC splatter-wagon, the Warthog. We could give you the standard fare rundown of course, but around these parts we figured it might be more fun to intercept a piece of 26th century correspondence instead…

TO: E. Burch, Motorsport Manager, AMG Transport Dynamics

FROM: T. Jenkins, Special Projects Director, AMG Transport Dynamics

RE: Project: HOGSTICKER

MARKETING DECK PROPOSAL:

The motorsport division of AMG Transport Dynamics has a time-honored tradition for flexing their engineering muscle through competition, whether it be with their 24 Hours of Quezon-winning prototypes or their dynamic and durable RallyHog models. One of their most intriguing projects is a highly modified M12 Warthog called Project: HOGSTICKER, which features a number of exotic composites to reduce weight and the enclosed-cockpit monocoque from the M12 GT for increased structural rigidity.

The most prominent feature on the peculiar new vehicle is certainly the pair of experimental – and visually unmistakable – blamite-afterburners that provide insane levels of increased thrust on demand. Lovingly dubbed the “Needlehog” among crew and engineers around the paddock, Project: HOGSTICKER represents a bold and exciting new chapter in the Warthog’s already storied history!

POTENTIAL SPONSORS: Fronk's Formed Fish, BLAST Energy Drink, Club Errera

VERDICT: [FUNDING DENIED; Project fits no known series homologation]

ADDITIONAL NOTES: Erik, this is cute, but no. Where in Sam Hill would something like this even compete?! I’ve supported plenty of your more… unconventional ideas before, but “blamite afterburners?” That’s over the top even for you. Let’s maybe quit the daydreaming and turn our focus back to [REDACTED], shall we?

-Tyse