The big one. The one you've all been waiting for. All three of you who read my reviews. It's time for me to review..... BISMUTH!!!



Okay okay okay I WILL WRITE THAT REVIEW SOME DAY OKAY!?!?!



But for now, I am reviewing of course, "Reunited". Probably the most hyped episode of TV in the third millennium. "Reunited" is the 151st and 152nd episodes of Steven Universe, and the 23rd and 24th episodes of Season 5. It is the third 22-minute episo-



Angry Reager: AND THE SECOND ONE YOU'VE REVIEWED!!!!!



OKAY OKAY BLOODY HELL I WILL WRITE THAT REVIEW!!!! I just first need to- *runs to Australia, changes name, deletes account, removes all trace of my existence Breaking Bad style*



ABSOLUTELY MONUMENTAL MAHOOSIVE GIANT ENORMOUS BIG SPOILERS AHEAD!!!! DO NOT WATCH TILL YOU'VE CAUGHT UP TO THIS POINT!!!!!! Also, Warning, this review contains a TRUE story of rape and murder. If you're uncomfortable with that, TURN AWAY.



So for this review, I will talk about each of the three distinct acts separately. Act One being the wedding, Act Two being The Biiiig Diamond ShowdownTM and the Third Act being the resolution.



Act One - The Wedding

The wedding takes up the first eight minutes of the episode. Actually no, the show's longest song to date takes up the first four minutes of the episode. The song's message is that for one day, they should forget all their worries and Rose/Pink Diamond related woes, and focus only on one thing - Ruby and Sapphire's wedding - a celebration of love and acceptance. I'm an embittered cynical fuck who doesn't believe in love, and believes it is completely and totally dead. So you'd think a four-minute song about the worst curse to befall my life would have me wanting to turn the episode off before it's even really started. Let it be known that the whole concept of Love has brought me personally nothing but hurt and self-hatred, and absolutely zero good. But it's not like that for most people. For most people, love is a beautiful thing that has its ups and downs, its highs and its lows. Its highs are very very high, and its lows can be very very low.



This song is a lovely reminder to me that love is not all bad, and it almost in some ways gives me hope that one day I will experience some good in the world of love. I'm sorry to be putting my shit in this review, but after all, it is MY review. This is MY thoughts on the episode, and how things in the episode resonate with ME. Some of my shit appearing here is inevitable. Sorry.



I think what's so joyful about this song is that it's all about optimism. Another thing that died on me.



WARNING: I am going to talk about rape and murder in this next part. If you don't want to read about these subjects, skip the next big paragraph and the two smaller paragraphs that follow.



A few months ago, a work colleague of my sister's got raped and murdered in a taxi, by the driver, for absolutely no reason. After that incident, my world view absolutely changed. I realised some things really ARE the end of the world. The end of your world. Sometimes it WON'T get better. Sometimes, absolutely horrendously unfathomably evil things happen, and evil does sometimes win. Whenever I was having a good day, I couldn't help but think about what it must feel like to have a lingerie crush your neck to smithereens by someone twice as strong as you, and screaming in vein but nobody's around to save your life. But this song contains very potent lyrics for me. I COULD be thinking about that poor girl's awful final moments all day every day, but I could ALSO be thinking about the GOOD that DOES happen in the world. And there is SO much good in the world. A stranger handing me their parking ticket that still has two hours left on it, so I don't have to pay the £3. You know, little things like that. In case you hadn't already guessed, this song really really spoke to me.



I can't help but smile ear-to-ear every time I hear it. It is an absolutely wonderful start to the episode. And the fact humans wrote this song does restore my faith in humanity a little bit.



Yes, Steven, there are a lot of awful things I could be thinking of. Thank you so much for reminding me that instead of thinking about the fact that girl can never be brought back now, I can instead think about the 80% I recently scored in what I thought was my weakest subject!



Okay so let's talk about the wedding itself. It is of course, super adorable. And I mean, super sickly adorable. I do not even usually care for television weddings, in fact I am pretty against the whole idea of marriage. But of course, by this point I do really care about Ruby and Sapphire, and although their wedding is SOMEWHAT play, it is also mostly serious. It really does seem like these two are getting legally wed. Even though it is "all quite silly, as they've been together for 5750 years (and 8 months)". Great line by the way.



Also, that scene when Ruby and Sapphire give their vows and make Bismuth cry too much to be giving them the rings.



The wedding itself, far from most TV Weddings I watch, was definitely able to keep my attention, and was extremely strong and upbeat. But now let's discuss the absolutely groundbreaking moment of Children's TV History.....



RUBY AND SAPPHIRE KISS. ON THE MOUTH.



When I was watching this for the first time, I absolutely jumped out of my chair and screamed like an absolute FANGIRL. I was hoping for a lip-kiss, and figured the wedding was the perfect time to do it. I had NO IDEA THEY'D ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITH IT THOUGH. Even as late as "The Question", they'd ALWAYS shied away from them kissing on the mouth. I daresay this moment was more groundbreaking than anything that happened in "Jail Break". This single moment. Was probably more groundbreaking than that entire episode. And it's not a quick peck either. The kiss actually lasts approximately 3000 milliseconds! I cannot get across in words how happy I am that they FINALLY did this and DIDN'T shy away from it. Steven may not have been the first show do have done this, but it was definitely the first show to do it THIS PASSIONATELY.



Okay I need to move on, I could write a THESIS about the kissing scene (actually that would be a really easy PhD, much easier than the one I'm currently trying to get!)



Also I LOVE all of their outfits. Especially Peridot's.



We then move into the reception, which is just overflowing with joy.....



.....but not for long.....



After literal seasons of doing absolutely fuck-all, they of course chose THIS moment to get off their lazy arses.



The DU-DU-DIAMOONNNNDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!



Contrived as all hell that they showed up during the wedding, but I'm willing to let this slide. They gotta show up at SOME point right? Just a case of bad timing I believe. Still not as bad as Navy falling from the sky and landing right in front of Steven's house HOOO BOYYYY nothing will EVER top that.



So overall, act one is an absolute BLAST to watch. What can I say? It's almost perfect! I really don't think other than the Diamonds crashing the wedding I have ANY complaints with the first eight minutes! So far, so almost-perfect!



Act Two - The Biiiig Diamond ShowdownTM

This act comprises the next ten or so minutes. Now, I will not talk about every punch and kick in this section, but I will say that this is the showdown with the Diamonds that we've been waiting three years for. Was it worth the wait?



This section sees many of our allies come together - Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Connie, Greg and his awesome SEDUCTION powers, Peridot and Bismuth..... and.... the Cluster. Which is very very conveniently on the Crystal Gem's side. Seriously. Ugh. Now THAT is contrived. Steven is somehow able to go to sleep and calm down the Cluster, which takes the form of a giant arm..... well the muscle tissue of the arm anyway.



But before this scene, when the Diamonds fly overhead (and Peridot calls them clods again!) and pop the Cluster bubble is seriously tense, and very reminiscent of a fanfic I started to write a few years ago but never finished. Plotwise, this whole Cluster thing needed to happen, as a way to keep Yellow occupied for the time being so that only one Diamond would be in the fight. It is a little disappointing that the return of the Cluster was so brushed over, but hey. Seeing Yellow Diamond's arm ship and The Cluster engage in an arm wrestle was pretty damn hilarious.



During the fight, I am surprised how little fusion was used. Yes, Alexandrite did briefly appear, but didn't last long before Yellow defused them. I feel this would've been the perfect time to show us the Temple Fusion, but they didn't. Ah well. I feel it was also very odd that Stevonnie wasn't in this fight either, given how much Stevonnie has been used in season 5. In fact given how much they've built up Connie to be a fighter alongside the Crystal Gems it's quite amazing how little she actually did.



The main trope of the big showdown is that all of their combined power is barely able to even ruffle Blue Diamond. By the way, her shooty power is absolutely lit as all fuck. In fact, I do think Blue Diamond is quickly becoming one of my new favourite gems. She's so emotionally unstable and powerful. And that's generally a DANGEROUS combination.



I think it is interesting that all this happens just outside the Temple. The show's main location is where the big Diamond showdown goes down. Not at the Barn or in some location in space, but actually right at home. It does give a sense of urgency for the Townies, I guess. But it is also interesting to see this fight unfold here, seeing as the house actually gets damaged by Blue's ship.



Generally, despite some things I would've liked to have seen, such as more fusions and more Connie and Greg, the fight itself is very well choreographed. Most gems display their full range of powers, teaming up, using strategy, and the animation is for the most part very fluid. It's just so fun to see all their attacks just not lay a scratch on Blue Diamond, even when they are all attacking at once.



Oh, and that scene where Connie DOES decide to attack on Lion. Using Rose's sword. The iconic sword that's been with us since Season 1A, gets SNAPPED. Blue literally fucking SNAPS it. ROSE'S SWORD. I'm sorry, I'm just a huge sucker for when shows decide to just BURN an iconic feature of it permanently. Like when the books in Gravity Falls were LITERALLY BURNT. It's a nice reminder that this show IS sometimes willing to make changes to the status quo.



But once again, like all fights in this show, I do feel it was a little easy. Nobody was shattered. Nobody was even poofed until the end of the fight. The fight lasts a few minutes, but given that this fight was YEARS in the making....... was it enough?



Yellow does eventually join the fight (crashing into Blue's ship and destroying them both), and this brings us my 2nd favourite moment in the show behind Ruby and Sapphire's kiss - Peridot runs up to Yellow, calls her a clod AGAIN and asks if she remembers her. Yellow's cutting "No." is absolutely BRILLIANT. And then Peridot gets poofed. WILL SHE ACTUALLY FINALLY GET HER FUCKING STAR IT'S BEEN TWO AND A HALF GOD-DAMN YEARS!!!



Unfortunately..... there is one aspect of this act that REALLY pisses me off.



Ugh...



Rant music please.



DEUS EX LAPISA. "I could never stay away", said Lapis, as she just SHOWS UP OUT OF THE BLUE. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? LAPIS, YOU HAVE SPENT THE WHOLE SHOW RUNNING AND BEING ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED OF THE DIAMONDS. THEY ARE LITERALLY THE CAUSE OF ALL THE FEAR AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT YOU'VE HAD THUS FAR. THEY WERE THE REASON YOU RAN IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND RAN AGAIN. AND NOW THEY'RE ACTUALLY HERE AND YOU JUST WALTZ IN HAVING SOMEHOW GOTTEN OVER YOUR FEAR OF THEM??!?!?! Ughhh.... I honestly wish Lapis had fucked off permanently after "Can't Go Back" at this point, I really do. Or maybe she'd get shattered in the fight? One can only hope? Nope, of course she didn't. OF COURSE she didn't.



Oh and I guess the Barn is officially wrecked now too. Lapis tried to drop the Barn onto Blue Diamond. Lol.



Ughh... so I guess Lapis is finally a Crystal Gem now? Ughhh.



Sorry, it just pisses me off that they couldn't write this ONE character out and she just showed up like this.



Okay, with that out of the way, overall, I think this section was great. But was great good enough? Well... maybe not. I mean, it's as good as this show would be willing to do, and being in a 22-minute episode, this fight was easily the longest we've had on the show. I mean, I liked it don't get me wrong, and upon first watch I was fangirling the whole time, but in a show like this, a six-minute fight to permanently pacify the show's two big bads is always going to feel a little cheap. No matter how good the fight is.



Again, the Crewniverse really did do their best here, and I do love the fight, but it's just inevitable that no fight that lasts six minutes can do literal years of waiting for this justice.



The fight ends (from our perspective) when the budget ran out when Yellow Diamond stomps on Steven, knocking him out cold and bringing us into the final act...



Act Three - The Resolution

I don't like the resolution.



The final four minutes of the episode deal with Steven in ether space, trying to use his astral projection abilities to nullify a giant threat. Doesn't this seem familiar? Isn't this the exact same way the Ultimate Anticlimax that was "Gem Drill" played out???



Unfortunately, I found this ending to be SUPER anticlimactic.



What happens is that Steven uses astral projection to give all the people fighting "good vibes", before trying to reach the Diamonds himself to show to them that he is actually Pink Diamond. The trouble is, this section is PAINFULLY SLOW. The fight is still going on. Only we don't get to see it. And that is really disappointing. We see still statues of them talking about their thoughts during the fight, and we see Lapis get poofed inexplicably, but they barely even move. Steven leaps through their ghosts, and suddenly they're all super motivated.



The main problem I have with this section is just how... similar it was to Gem Drill. Steven gets knocked out or falls asleep, and uses astral projection to nullify the giant threat through talking to it in astral-land. It's literally EXACTLY the same. Only DRAWN OUT and SLOWER. They manage to make this whole scene last four minutes by having Steven keep failing to grab hold of the Diamonds' attentions.



The problem is, after Steven gets knocked out, everything just STALLS. The action immediately, like the flick of a switch, goes from 100 to 0. We were in the middle of this enormous high-stakes fight, lots and lots of action, and then BAM. Absolutely none. It's so jarring to see all the action just disappear in a flash. And what's even worse is that we know the action is still going on, but we just don't get to see it!



So yes, I unfortunately really did not like the way this was all resolved.



Even upon first watch, when the episode ended with "It's you! Pink!", I felt incredibly cheated. The two big villains on the show, who have been built up since the end of season 1, had been nullified. Just like that. In a six-minute fight and a four-minute astral projection slog. Now, I HAVE seen "Legs From Here to Homeworld", and I can say that I am not so worried about this anymore, but let's just say at first I was SUPER unhappy with the decision to have Steven and the Crystal Gems make friends with the Diamonds. I felt it flew in the face directly of EVERYTHING that had been set up to this point. But I am happy that they immediately told us that we are far from a Happily Ever After scenario.



Lastly, I would like to point out that I am actually glad Lars and the Off Colours didn't return in this episode. I feel that would've been too cluttered.



But I am a little disappointed we didn't get to see Green Diamond, a corrupted gem army or a gem get shattered.



FINAL VERDICT

I actually think the first act is the strongest of the three. The second act is also very strong, but I don't think it quite lived up to the importance of it. I thought the ending was really not good, but it is only the last four minutes. The episode had been so SO good up to that point, it is a real shame the ending was so anticlimactic and by-the-books, and not even new to the show. I feel the ending definitely does drag the episode down in my mind. It's almost like the quality of the episode declines as it goes along. See, the first act is nearly perfect. The second act, don't get me wrong, it's still amazing. But I feel it needed a little bit more somehow. Maybe have EVERYONE try and fuse... just something. I feel they missed a number of tricks. But man that final act was such a disappointment.



Overall, this is an absolutely amazing episode. Is it the best ever? Well... I personally don't think so.



But it's definitely up there.