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Rick Perry

Rick Perry is a simple, adorable cowboy man who believes faith in Jesus Christ will bring this country together, so just google “Christ + America + Candy” and get him the first thing that comes up.

Gift Ideas

Christ America Candy

Cowboy Stuff

Meat

Cowboy Meat

Meat in the Shape of Jesus

Gift Certificate to the Cowboy Store

Dignity

Michelle Bachmann

Michelle Bachmann is sort of like the Lion, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man all rolled into one abomination of what some would consider a human being.

Gift Ideas

A Brain

A Heart

Courage to Advance Past an Immature Teenager’s Understanding of the World

Dignity

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney is the richest GOP candidate and has grossed the most campaign donations, so there’s no need to get him anything fancy this Christmas, just as long as you give him more money.

Gift Ideas

Money

Dignity

Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich has been dropping hints like a madman this holiday season, specifically about wanting to build a mining colony on the moon.

Gift Ideas

Astronaut Suit

Moon Stuff

Space Food

Movies About Outer Space

Gift Certificate to the Moon Store

Mixtape for Outer Space

Dignity

Jon Huntsman

Jon Huntsman is a GOP candidate that probably likes to receive gifts?

Gift Ideas

Socks or something?

Maybe a Hug for His Imminent Defeat in the Race?

Dignity

Ron Paul

Once Ron Paul got wind of the White House Christmas party he decided that he doesn’t want anything for Christmas, due to the government’s clear endorsement of the liberty-destroying holiday.

Gift Ideas

Nothing

Rick Santorum

The only things sabotaging Rick Santorum’s nomination hopes more than the definition of his last name are his actions, words, and political platform. So while you cannot help him with the latter three, why not try to help him fix the last name issue?

Gift Ideas

Access to Google’s mainframe

Team of Web Developers Sharp Enough to Re-Engineer Google’s Search Engine

Big ol’ Dildo

Sense of Humor

Dignity

Barack Obama

As President of the United States of America, Barack Obama already has everything he could ever want: The most stressful job in the world, a nation divided between people who hate him and people who are sort of OK with him, and a devastated ecomony. There’s really only one thing Obama could ask for this Christmas…

Gift Ideas

Continued Media Coverage of Republican Debates

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