Brexit negotiations turn out to be self-harm intervention

Brexit negotiations which began today have turned out not to be talks about Britain leaving the EU, but an intervention staged by the other 27 nations aimed at stopping the UK from any further self-harm.

The talks opened in Brussels with David Davis setting out the UK’s position regarding the EU ‘divorce bill’ when the German representative asked him to sit down, and apologised for the subterfuge, but that this was the only way that they could get Britain to listen.

The French representative then continued, saying that everyone present in the room loved the UK and wanted what was best for it, and that it had to stop self-harming right now.

The Dutch representative added, “You’ve simply got to stop having these divisive votes that leave the country in chaos.

“After last year you said ‘never again’. You promised again and again that you wouldn’t have a general election for five years, then you went straight ahead and did it anyway.

“Now look at the state of you.”

The Spanish representative carried on the united front of tough love, saying that Britain was hanging out with the wrong crowd, trying to impress the wrong people, and that that was exacerbating the situation.

The Italian representative summed things up, saying, “We care about you. We’re your true friends.

“It hurts us to see you acting out like this. We know you don’t really want to leave, and that this is just a cry for help.”

The Baltic states then spelt out a strict programme of rehab, going cold turkey on the tabloid press who were enabling the addiction to self-destructive behaviour.

“Obviously your co-dependent relationship with Scotland isn’t helping, but every time you think you want another referendum, you just give us a call – any hour of the day or night.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt!