God: “It’s a burning bush.”

Bakker: “Who said that? Fire! Fire! Help!”

God: “Don’t be such a wimp: This is a smokeless burning bush. It won’t even singe your linens. So listen up. This is God.”

Bakker: “Wow, that really is a burning bush! That’s you, God? Are you anointing me to lead my people and smite our enemies? Will you give me a mighty, holy sword? I could crush all those infidels, just as if they were Amalekites.”

God: “Whoa! Remember: ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.’ I’m not into smiting these days. When you say deranged, violent things in my name, I want to sue you for defamation. Not that I go around feeling sorry for myself, but it’s tough being the Almighty when crazies keep running around fomenting hatred in my name.”

Bakker: “Like those God-forsaken Muslims! They don’t value human life. We should destroy them!”

God: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Bakker: “You could be more respectful. And wait — are you not a Republican?”

God: “I’m nonpartisan. I just don’t like being used. I was mortified when four out of five white evangelical Christians voted for a thrice-married liar who bragged about sexual assault — and then cited me as the reason for their votes. In polls, white evangelicals went from the group most likely to say that personal morality mattered in politics to the group least likely to say that — in just five years. These are values voters?”