I Love My Son, But I HATE My Body (Anonymous)

Age: 20

1 pregnancy, 1 birth

8 months postpartum

I was so glad i found this site, and see that there are many other women like me out there. Well to start off i’ll start my story in the few months pre-pregnancy… i was 18 turning 19 in a few weeks, my boyfriend (husband now) had just proposed, just started a new job, everything was going great in my life… i had noticed i had started gaining a few pounds but nothing serious, my weight had always flucuated throughout high school since i was a cheerleader and had done gymnastics for 6 years, when it wasnt cheering season i would gain a little weight and loose it at the start of football season… but i had never been bigger than a size 3/4. but this summer i had to buy a size bigger, but i just summed it up to being out of highschool, being lazy and not working out. i had also just started a new birthcontrol so i thought maybe that had caused me to gain a little. i also had missed one period, again i summed that up to the new birth control. after the second missed period i decided to take a pregnancy test. it came out positive. i was completely shocked cuz i hadnt had any common pregnancy symptoms. after i went to the doc, i soon learned i had went through my entire 1st trimester not even knowing i was preg. the entire time i was pregnant i never had morning sickness or anything… i had a really easy pregnancy, other than i had used palmers cocoa butter for stretch marks to try to help prevent them, come to find out the lotion had lanolin in it and i didnt know it at the time but i was allergic to lanolin, the lotion cuased me to break out everywhere i had used it and it itched like CRAZY, i tried to resist the urge to scratch but i couldnt i scratched all day and all night. i didnt have ANY stretch marks until i used this lotion and started scratching then they just started popping up everywehre.

pre-pregnancy i had weighed 130ish and wore a size 3/4 in pants, when i delivered my son i weighed 161, so during my pregnancy i gained a total of 30lbs. which didnt seem like it was that bad, i new friends of mine that had gained 80 and looked amazing! so i figured after time i wouldnt look so bad. my husband and i got married when i was 4 months postpartum, we took our honeymoon in gulf shores, al. we had a great time, but everytime we went to the beach i felt SUPER self concious of my belly fat and stretch marks. everywhere i looked there were girls my age looking thin and sexy and it made me feel even worse. but my husband keeps telling me he loves me and loves how i look, i just cant believe him cause when i look in the mirror i dont see sexy. i see every imperfection on my body. every little stretch mark, every area that there is cellulite and every place my body bulges over clothes. even now at 8 months postpartum i still weigh 140, which is only 10lbs more than my prepregnancy weight, but i now wear a size 11/12… prepregnancy i wore a size 34c bra i now wear a 36DD! i hardly ever dress up now because it only makes me feel worse that nothing fits like its supposed to or it jsut shows all my imperfections…

i have stretch marks on my stomach, my sides, and in between my thighs from the top to down to my knees, some have faded considerably but i still cant feel comfortable wearing shorts because of them. and in this weather in ky its been 90+ pretty much all summer and HUMID and i wear pants or sweats everyday. i have a friend who is my age, who delivered her son 4 days before me, maybe only ONE stretch mark, and is back down to her pre-pregnancy weight, wearing her cute little clothes and looking sexy. it makes me feel like crap when i hang out with her seeing how amazing she looks and how unattractive i look.

i love my son more than anything and i wouldnt change a thing <3 i just hate what having him brought upon my body. i want my old body back, i want to feel sexy again. i hate seeing the bulge of my tummy hanging over my pants, i hate not getting to wear what i want. here are a few pics. first pic- me and my husband on our honeymoon 4mo pp 2nd pic- my son <3 3rd pic- my tattoo on my side, disfigured from stretch marks. 4th pic-8 months pp 5th pic- 8 months pp side view 6th pic- 8 months pp inside of my thigh [gallery]