Prince and The Premise Pt. 1

Barbarian Attack the Simpsons House Time: 60m Reward $ 70 XP 17

Barbarian: GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

Barbarian: Loot! Pillage! Burn! Take! Abscond! Steal! Scream synonyms!

Ned: Hey there yella fella, why are you giving an extra helping of beat down to my blue bottles?

Barbarian: Me am barbarian. Must pillage and destroy!

Ned: You’re not from around here, are you Mr. Barbarian?

Barbarian: Barbarian am from another land!

Ned: Tell me about the far-away place!

Barbarian: It am land where violence rules! Where me drink from skull of enemy!

Barbarian: Where me poop through butt of enemy!

Ned: That’s a little too much TMI!

Ned: Well, sir, since you’ve got an appetite for destruction, instead of axing my rose bushes, why not Slash this house next door?

Barbarian: Barbarian appreciate your Guns ‘N’ Roses references. Barbarian will pillage 742 Evergreen Terrace!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 2

! Barbarian

Build the Barbarian Castle Time: 16h Reward $ XP 1000

Barbarian: Smash! Loot! Pillage! Wreck!

Homer: What gives? That’s my house you’re smashing.

Barbarian: GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

Homer: Chief Wiggum, I need you to physically subdue this axe-wielding muscular giant who clearly is a master of hand-to-hand combat!

Wiggum: Sorry Simpson, that’s a big no can do. In that there’s no possible way I can do it, thus the term, “no can do.”

Barbarian: GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

Homer: Come on Grunty, knock it off. That’s my house — where I eat and sleep and look at magazines and stuff.

Barbarian: GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

Homer: The pillaging, I get. Who wouldn’t want all my awesome stuff?

Homer: Like my extra-thick TV, my dozens of hidden mini-fridges, and all those magazines I mentioned – earlier.

Barbarian: GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

Homer: But hear me out — you are in serious danger of over-pillaging.

Barbarian: GRUNT? GRUNT? GRUNT?

Homer: That’s right, over-pillaging.

Homer: You pillage all this fantastic stuff, but you have nowhere to put it.

Homer: Then it gets ruined– on, and the ants get into it, and it’s Hibbert’s shed all over again.

Homer: Everything’s ruined – and you wasted all that great pillaging.

Barbarian: GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

Homer: What you need is a place to keep all the great stuff you pillaged.

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt… storage locker?

Homer: No, those storage places always rip you off. What you need is a castle!

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, GRUNT!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 3

! Barbarian

Attack Another Springfield

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, grunt?

Homer: What’s wrong, barbarian buddy?

Barbarian: Barbarian need fighters to pillage for Barbarian!

Homer: Oh, I get it. Someone to do the dirty work for you. They do all the getting killed, you get all the mini-fridges.

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, exactly.

Homer: Well, this town isn’t exactly full of big muscle-y ass-whompers like yourself.

Homer: But it is full of… nerds!

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, nerds?

Homer: A whole bunch of medieval dorks are always playing with fake swords in the park.

Homer: I bet they’d love to go raiding with a real disemboweling skull-drinker like yourself.

Homer: The only problem is… those nerds wouldn’t stand a chance. They’d be totally slaughtered.

Barbarian: Barbarian would never send nerds to pointless deaths.

Homer: …

Barbarian: …

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, KIDDING!

Homer: You had me there for a sec. You totally had me.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 4

! Homer

Homer with Barbarian Attack Barbarian Time: 6s Reward $ 70 XP 2

Rev. Lovejoy: Excuse me, Homer. A tiny favor

Homer: What are you doing here? I don’t come to where you work and ask you for things.

Rev. Lovejoy: You come to the church every Sunday and pray for a new car.

Homer: Nice, I see what you did there. Classic reversal. Although, to be fair, it was a pretty solid set up on my part.

Rev. Lovejoy: You’ve got to talk to your barbarian friend. He and his gang of nerds have been looting and pillaging all over town.

Rev. Lovejoy: They stole Patty and Selma’s menopause medication.

Homer: Those two without their woman hormones? That oughta be good for a larf!

Rev. Lovejoy: The horde destroyed Chester’s shed — he was finally this close to finishing it.

Homer: Poor old Chester, always good for a larf.

Rev. Lovejoy: The barbarians and nerds savagely beat the Yes-Man, leaving him with permanent brain damage.

Homer: Trust me, with that guy there wasn’t much brain left to damage. Savage beatings, always good for a larf.

Rev. Lovejoy: You’ve got to do something!

Homer: But all the stuff you’re saying is good for a larf! Why would I want to stop larfs?

Rev. Lovejoy: Then I guess you wouldn’t care that the Barbarian stole Ned – Flanders’ wet-dry vac.

Homer: That’s not good for a larf!

Homer: Hey, you, helmet head! There’s only one person who steals from Ned – Flanders in this town — and that’s me!

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, you’ve got to be kidding.

Homer: Give Flanders back his wet-dry vac — or else!

Barbarian: But wet-dry vac am good for cleaning up blood AND guts.

Homer: Put the wet-dry vac back!

Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, what if I don’t?

Homer: Then grunt grunt I kick your grunt!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 5

! Barbarian

Barbarian with Homer Chase Homer with an Axe Time: 2h Reward $ 220 XP 54

Prince and The Premise Pt. 6

Homer Drink at Moe’s Time: 8h Reward $ 275 XP 70 Barbarian Drink at Moe’s Time: 8h Reward $ 275 XP 70

Homer: Well, you chased me for 2 hours, and you finally caught me.

Barbarian: You better runner than I thought.

Homer: Well, I guess it’s time for you to chop off my head.

Barbarian: Soon me drink from your skull!

Homer: Drink, eh?

Homer: Say Barbie, before you decapitate me, scrape all the flesh off my head, boil the bones to a nice chalky-white, then seal up all the little head holes to keep the liquid from leaking… what say I buy you a beer?

Barbarian: GRUNT, GRUNT, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ‘BOUT!!!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 7

! Homer

Homer Drink 10 More Beers Time: 60m Reward $ 70 XP 17 Barbarian Drink 10 More Beers Time: 60m Reward $ 70 XP 17

Barbarian: Have to admit, beer from mug better than beer from skull. Skull beer always taste like old head meat.

Homer: Even if you boil the skull for a long time?

Barbarian: No matter how long me boil skull, still am taste hint of brain.

Homer: You’re just full of interesting trivia. Which Springfield are you from?

Barbarian: Am not from Springfield. Am from… other game.

Homer: So we just admit now that we know we live in a game? No more pretense?

Barbarian: Why lie to selves? Is insult to players’ intelligence.

Homer: Yeah, okay. That makes things easier.

Homer: So, tell me about the game you come from.

Barbarian: Is called “Clash of Castles.”

Barbarian: Barbarians attack other towns, destroy everything, kill everyone, and pillage gold and elixir.

Homer: So that explains the pillaging.

Barbarian: Is all me know.

Homer: Your Clash of Castles game sounds awesome. I have to admit, I’m getting a little bored of my game. It’s pretty vanilla.

Homer: Everything’s so wussy here. “Valentine’s Day Hearts”? “Friendship Points?”

Homer: And don’t get me started on those (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Easter fences!!!

Homer: Your game sounds a million times better than my game! And so much more addicting. Like I’d totally ignore my town to play in your world.

Barbarian: Yeah, me guess it’s okay

Homer: What’s the income tax rate on pillaging?

Barbarian: Zero.

Homer: Federal and state?

Barbarian: Us drink from skull of tax collector so yeah.

Homer: Nice games are so boring! Rated “E” for Everybody — more like “L” for Lamewads Losers and Larrys!

Homer: Larry is this guy who used to really annoy everyone. He wore huge t-shirts that looked like dresses.

Barbarian: Him sound like wiener.

Homer: I never get to kill anyone! Not even a Squeaky Voice Teen or a Wise Guy!

Barbarian: Killing am big rush, no lie.

Homer: 20 more beers over here, Moe!

( after the task is complete )

Barbarian: Can me tell you something?

Homer: Anything, pal.

Barbarian: Me am jealous — of you!

Homer: *spit-take*

Barbarian: Me tired of kill kill kill, pillage pillage pillage, grunt grunt grunt. Sometimes, me just want put feet by fire and drink from skull of enemy with someone me love.

Barbarian: Me want do Sunday crossword puzzle in bed then go to brunch, not slaughter castle full of archers and wizards.

Homer: See, I would love to bathe in wizard blood.

Barbarian: Me would love stay home watch “The Bachelor” eating low calorie popcorn.

Homer: I guess each of us would love to have the other guy’s life.

Barbarian: Yes, that am situation.

Moe: Hey guys, did you know that when the Barbarian here takes off his helmet, he looks just like Homer.

Homer: OMG — Oh my God! It’s true!

Barbarian: OMC — Oh my Crom! Us am twins!

Moe: You guys should switch places and live each other’s lives, just like that classic piece of literature: “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties”.

Barbarian: Switch places? That sounds hacky.

Homer: No, no it’s cool. The same happened – to Bart in one of the episodes of the TV show this whole thing is based on.

Barbarian: Us game not based on TV show. Am original IP.

Moe: Must be nice.

Homer: So it’s agreed, I’ll live the life of a Barbarian, and you’ll live the life of a family man!

Barbarian: Me still think this am hacky, but am worth it.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 8

! Homer

Collect Gold × 200 Homer Bulk Up Time: 4h Reward $ 175 XP 45 Barbarian Get a Haircut Time: 60m Reward $ 175 XP 45 Homer with Barbarian Switch Places with Barbarian Time: 6s Reward $ 6 XP 2

Homer: To be me, all you have to do is shave that mustache.

Barbarian: You must turn all that fat into muscle.

( after selecting the “Bulk Up” job for Homer )

Homer: Oh no you don’t, sky finger. No way. Not working out. Uh-uh. There’s got to be another way to bulk me up.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 9

! Homer Barbarian

Homer Barbarian Pretend to Be a Sitcom Dad Time: 8h Reward $ 275 XP 70

Homer Barbarian: Greetings ugly boy!

Homer Barbarian: Me am your father. Bow before father!

Homer Barbarian: Show respect for father’s prowess with axe and skill in battle… I mean, parenting.

Bart: Dad, what’s wrong with you? You seem… intense. And your speech is much more halting than usual.

Homer Barbarian: Bow before father or me crush your neck!

Bart: Okay, that’s more like it.

( after the task is complete )

Homer Barbarian: Boy whelp think me am Homer – , but girl whelp am clever.

Homer Barbarian: What father do to win affection of girl?

Homer Barbarian: Me know! Me give her life lessons in backbreaking labor.

Homer Barbarian: Child! I command you to build a castle.

Lisa: A castle? I suppose this could be a good exercise in medieval construction.

Lisa: Can I use eco-friendly materials?

Homer Barbarian: Ask mother.

Homer Barbarian: Being father am easy.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 10

! Homer Barbarian

Homer Barbarian with Nelson Chase Bully with an Axe Time: 4h Reward $ 350 XP 90

Homer Barbarian: Boy want sharpen father’s axe with father?

Bart-: I don’t feel like it…

Homer Barbarian: Something bothering boy?

Bart-: This bully at school, he took my Krusty doll.

Homer Barbarian: Bully steal from son of… what my name again?

Bart-: Homer Simpson.

Homer Barbarian: Bully steal from Homer Simpson?! Homer Simpson cleave bully in twain!

Bart-: Sweet!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 11

! Homer Barbarian

Lisa Play in the Recital Time: 12h Reward $ 420 XP 100 Homer Barbarian Make Springfielders Attend the Recital Time: 12h Reward $ 420 XP 100 Springfielders × 10 Attend the Recital Under Threat of Death Time: 12h Reward $ 420 XP 100

Lisa : Sniffle…

Homer Barbarian: Daughter! Roast me a boar!

Lisa : Sniff… sob

Homer Barbarian: Make sure save boar brains. Mmm… boar brains.

Lisa : Oh, Dad! My saxophone recital is tonight and no one’s coming! I’ve been practicing so much!

Lisa : *saxophoning*

Homer Barbarian: That sound like death-keening of a wounded frost giant! Am… beautiful.

Lisa : Really?

Homer Barbarian: Me find people and make them go to music show… or me cleave them in twain!

Lisa : I love you Dad!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 12

! Homer Barbarian

Homer Barbarian Express his Rage Against Noobs Time: 12h Reward $ 420 XP 100

Homer Barbarian: Where am wife! Homer Simpson need woman to rub feet and pick bugs from hair and pick bugs from feet!

Lisa: Dad, because Mom is a high level character, we have to wait a while before she appears. It makes things easier for the new players.

Homer Barbarian: NOOOOOBS!





The next part of this quest line will not unlock until “Clash of Clones Pts. 1 – 4” have been completed.

Clash of Clones Pt. 1

! Barbarian Homer

Collect Gold × 300 Upgrade Barbarian Homer to Level 2

Barbarian Homer: Hey new Homer, how do I look?

Homer Barbarian: Like level 1 loser.

Barbarian Homer: Is level 1 the best level?

Homer Barbarian: Level 1 am worst level. Total noob level.

Barbarian Homer: A noob! That’s the worst thing a person can be! I don’t wanna start at Level 1. I should start at level… a million billion.

Homer Barbarian: It easy: get gold, go to castle, level up! Sometimes me level up in sleep.

( after the task is complete )

Barbarian Homer: That is easy!

Homer Barbarian: Yes, leveling up am easy… at first!

Homer Barbarian: *evil laughter*

Barbarian Homer: I don’t get your jokes.

Clash of Clones Pt. 2

! Barbarian Homer

Barbarian Homer Go on an Elixir Bender Time: 24h Reward $ 30 XP 150

Barbarian Homer: Raiding rules! These dorks do all the getting killed, and I get all the gold.

Lenny: What’s that purple stuff?

Barbarian Homer: It’s called like elixir or something. I get it from raiding. I don’t really know what it’s for.

Carl: It looks like wine.

Barbarian Homer: Wine comes in bottles and is drunk by fancy people. This is just… purple goo. It’s like all thick and nasty.

Lenny: I dare you to drink it.

Barbarian Homer: Yeah okay sure, why not?

Barbarian Homer: *glug* *glug* glug*

Barbarian Homer: That’s not wine… that’s much much better than wine! It makes wine taste like box wine!

Barbarian Homer: I feel confident, talkative, funny, physically attractive and generous!

Lenny: Can I have a sip?

Barbarian Homer: Screw you! Go loot your own elixir! It’s bender time!

Bender: Did someone call me?

Barbarian Homer: No, the good kind of Bender.

( after the task is complete )

Barbarian Homer: That was amazing! I was blasted on elixir for 24 hours, and no hangover!

Barbarian Homer: Finally, a booze that doesn’t make you feel crappy afterwards, and isn’t at all addictive.

Barbarian Homer: I NEED MORE ELIXIR!!!

Clash of Clones Pt. 3

! Barbarian Homer

Barbarian Homer Go on an Elixir Bender Time: 24h Reward $ 30 XP 150

Barbarian Homer: Man, I love being part of a strategy-based raiding game. My old game sucked. SUPER SUCKED.

Barney: Your castle’s looking pretty awesome there Homer.

Barbarian Homer: Why does everyone keep calling me Homer? I’m clearly a barbarian.

Barney: Sure you are.

Moe: Sure you are.

Lenny: Sure you are.

Carl: Sure you are.

Barbarian Homer: Sure I am.

Barbarian Homer: Anyway, I am jonesin’ for some of that elixir stuff. I just love how non-addictive it is.

Barbarian Homer: I can’t stop thinking about that non-addictive mystery liquid — it’s lack of addictiveness consumes my every waking thought.

Clash of Clones Pt. 4

! Barbarian Homer

Barbarian Homer Confront Gold Farmers Time: 16h Reward $ 23 XP 150

Barbarian Homer: Wuzzuh… so not-addictive… Where am I?

Cletus: You at my gold farm.

Barbarian Homer: Gold farm? I’m the only gold raider in this town. Me, Homer the Barbarian. I mean, just a nameless Barbarian.C

Cletus: No, I is gold farmer. I cheats the system to get gold for myself.

Barbarian Homer: Well, I usually like cheating. But it sounds like you’re cheating me.

Cletus: Tell you whut. You give me some that there that thur that purple moonshine and I’ll share my gold with you.

Barbarian Homer: Share my elixir! Never! I can never let another person taste it’s non-addictive succulence.

Cletus: Sounds like someone’s in denial.

Barbarian Homer: Oh, fine.





Prince and The Premise Pt. 13

! Barbarian Homer

Barbarian Homer Attack the Simpson House Time: 60m Reward $ 2 XP 17

Barbarian Homer: I been drinking too much of that purple stuff. I gotta take a break, get clean… I wonder what my family’s up to.

Barbarian Homer: Family, I’m home!

Homer Barbarian: What you doing here?

Marge: Two fake Homers? How am I supposed to know which is the real fake Homer?

Barbarian Homer: Hey, that’s my wife’s pork chops you’re eating!

Homer Barbarian: So? Your wife’s pork chops am delicious.

Marge: Thank you. I think.

Barbarian Homer: The pork chops were never part of the deal.

Homer Barbarian: What you talking about? Us switch lives! That am premise! HACKY PREMISE!

Bart: So what if it’s hacky? Fake Dad chased a bully with an axe for me!

Lisa: He made everyone go to my sax recital!

Marge: Homer Barbarian is a good man. He makes the bed every morning.

Barbarian Homer: You make the bed? What kind of man makes the bed?

Homer Barbarian: Grunt grunt me equal part of nurturing family equation as Marge.

Barbarian Homer: No man comes to my house, is a better dad to my kids, and is better at pretending to go along with parenting gibberish than me!

Barbarian Homer: GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 14

! Barbarian Homer

Barbarian Homer Hide Unconscious Barbarian In Brown House Time: 4h Reward $ 6 XP 90

Bart: Dad, you’re destroying your own house.

Barbarian Homer: And I’m gonna keep on destroying it until he comes out and fights me.

Homer Barbarian: Grunt grunt fight? No, no fight. Me no longer solve problems with axe. Me solve problems with talk, and text.

Homer Barbarian: Me metrosexual now. Me groom facial hair. Me watch “The Good Wife”. Me eat house-made pickles at gastropub.

Barbarian Homer: So you don’t believe in fighting any more?

Homer Barbarian: Me into yoga now. Grunt, grunt, namaste.

Barbarian Homer: Eat axe handle, stupid!

Homer Barbarian: Grunt, grunt

Homer Barbarian: Grunt, grunt, *passing-out noise*

( after the task is complete )

Homer Barbarian: Finally, the brown house makes itself useful. A great place to hide an unconscious loser who looks just like you.

Barbarian Homer: See kids, I’m a better dad then that Barbarian ever was.

Lisa: But the Barbarian gave us castles.

Barbarian Homer: No, he made you make your own castles.

Bart: That’s true. He made us work hard for a feeling of accomplishment. Weak.

Barbarian Homer: Whereas I just gave you the cool new costumes, or “skins” to win your love.

Bart: Yeah, getting free stuff is way better than working.

Lisa: How is that a good lesson?

Barbarian Homer: That’s my boy!

Lisa: HOW IS THAT A GOOD LESSON?

Barbarian Homer: THAT’S MY BOY!

Prince and The Premise Pt. 15

! Barbarian Homer

Build Castle Recycle Time: 24h Reward $ XP 1000 Upgrade Lisa Archer to Level 4 Build Boxingham Palace Time: 24h Reward $ XP 1000 Upgrade Goblin Bart to Level 3

Bart: I miss old fake dad. He had the best stories about bathing in the blood of his enemies, and scrubbing himself with their ripped-out tongues.

Lisa: He loved my music. He said it reminded him of when he would throw sick old bears into the bonfire and burn them alive.

Barbarian Homer: what are you kids complaining about? You got your real old man back!

Bart: Great.

Lisa: Super.

Barbarian Homer: I’m not just your dad anymore. I’m a leveled-up version of your dad — with a leveled-up castle.

Bart: Big deal. I hope your castle is better than your pathetic Prince & the Pauper premise.

Lisa: Yeah, I hope your castle is more skillfully constructed together than that awful premise.

Barbarian Homer: Oh children… Why are they so stupid? My castle is great because of UPGRADES. Let me explain

Barbarian Homer: When you make the thing you already have a little bit better, that’s an upgrade.

Lisa: So it’s something you already have

Barbarian Homer: But a little bit better.

Barbarian Homer: Now you’re getting it!

Barbarian Homer: IT’S A TINY IMPROVEMENT, A MARKED DIFFERENCE, IT’S A SHINIER BELT, OR A PRETTIER FENCE!

Bart: Are you singing?

Barbarian Homer: AN UPGRADE TAKES YOUR PLUS ONE SWORD AND MAKES IT PLUS TWO

Barbarian Homer: AN UPGRADE TRANSFORMS YOUR MAGIC CLOAK FROM LIGHT TO DARKER BLUE

Bart: He is singing.

Lisa: But, this game doesn’t have music.

Barbarian Homer: UPGRADES ARE THE LITTLE BOOSTS THAT GIVE YOUR LIFE NEW MEANING

Barbarian Homer: THE SLIGHTLY BETTER VERSIONS THAT WILL GIVE YOUR LIFE NEW MEANING

Bart: He just rhymed “new meaning” with “new meaning.”

Barbarian Homer: SO IF YOU’RE FEELING BORED AND SAD

Bart: Wow. Way to string it out, bone-head dad – everyone knows about upgrades!

Barbarian Homer: YOUR GAME HAS PETERED OUT

Bart: Maybe if you’d laid off that purple juice a little, you’d have noticed that Lisa and I also have our own castles and outfits and…

Barbarian Homer: UPGRADE ALL THE STUFF YOU HAVE AND THEN YOU’LL SCREAM AND SHOUT — FOR UPGRADES!!!

Lisa: UPGRADES!

( after the task is complete )

Bart: But Dad’s lame song is right! Upgrades are amazing!

Lisa: Even though my castle is almost exactly the same, an upgrade makes it feel like I’ve got a whole new castle!

Bart: I love you upgrades!

Barbarian Homer: If ever I deserved a swig of non-addictive purple goo, it’s now

Prince and The Premise Pt. 16

! Barbarian Homer

Homer Pose as the Barbarian Posing as Homer Time: 12h Reward $ 420 XP 100

Marge: I don’t like you looting other people’s towns. People worked hard on those. Think of all the grinding they did.

Barbarian Homer: Well, it’s not me who looted them

Barbarian Homer: I’m actually a Barbarian from another game pretending to be your husband cause we look the same, you know, like in “Double, Double, Boy in Trouble.”

Marge: I never saw that episode.

Barbarian Homer: It was a Prince & the Pauper thing.

Marge: Oh how embarrassing.

Barbarian Homer: Me Barbarian. Me not Homer. Me from number one grossing game iTunes charts, not… number 12.

Marge: Homie I know it’s you.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 17

! Homer

Barbarian Homer Express his Rage Against Noobs Time: 12h Reward $ 15 XP 100

Barbarian Homer: Marge, where were you? We haven’t done a mission together in forever!

Lisa: You know we have to wait until later in the “Clash of Clones” event to give the new players time to catch up.

Barbarian Homer: NOOOOOOOBS!!!

( after the task is complete )

Marge: I’m still not so thrilled with all the raiding and pillaging and destroying you’ve been doing.

Barbarian Homer: Admit it, I’ve never brought home as much solid gold coins as I am now.

Marge: I can’t enjoy those coins knowing that they’re the fruit of human suffering.

Barbarian Homer: Mmm… suffering fruit.

Marge: And what’s this purple stuff you’ve been guzzling? Is it… sizzurp?

Barbarian Homer: No. It’s not drank. It’s wine. A wine that makes you feel better than any wine in the world. And it’s not in any way addictive.

Marge: You’re drinking it right now.

Barbarian Homer: *burp*

Marge: I want you to quit drinking elixir.

Barbarian Homer: Quit drinking elixir? I’d sooner give up drinking non-addictive wine!

Marge: Well don’t come home until you do!

Barbarian Homer: When Marge sees how awesome I upgrade myself, you won’t be complaining about elixir.

Ned: What’s an upgrade?

Barbarian Homer: IT’S A TINY IMPROVEMENT, A MARKED DIFFERENCE, IT’S A SHINIER BELT, OR A PRETTIER FENCE!





The next part of this quest line will not unlock until “The Power of Upgrades Pts. 1 – 3” have been completed.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 18

! Barbarian Homer

Upgrade Barbarian Castle to Level 10 Upgrade Castle Recycle to Level 8 Upgrade Boxingham Palace to Level 7 Upgrade Archer Lisa to Level 7 Upgrade Goblin Bart to Level 5 Upgrade Wizard Marge to Level 3

Prince and The Premise Pt. 19

! Goblin Bart

Archer Lisa Think About the Impacts of Raiding Time: 8h Reward $ 12 XP 70

Goblin Bart: Upgrade, upgrades… need more gold for more upgrades… to get more gold… to get more upgrades…

Archer Lisa: Each upgrade seems further from the last…

Wizard Marge: My cloak. I need silver-ier threads for my cloak.

Barbarian Homer: Purple… purple… purple…

Archer Lisa: What’s happened to us. We’re a mess.

Goblin Bart: I know what we need to make us feel better. Just one more upgrade.

Wizard Marge: Do my cloak threads seem silver-ier to you? DOES IT???

Barbarian Homer: Purple…

Archer Lisa: Dad… what happens to all those people we send to raiding for us?

Barbarian Homer: Purple… dead … dead nerds… purple.

Wizard Marge: But what if we win the battle? Then they’re okay, right?

Barbarian Homer: Doesn’t matter. Purple. Still dead. Purple.

Archer Lisa: Oh no… we’ve become monsters.

Wizard Marge: Our humanity is gone. Completely lost.

Goblin Bart: Wait! I figured it out. Upgrades equals gold equals upgrades equals gold equals… upgrades!

Barbarian Homer: Purple purple purple purple purple…

Archer Lisa: I’m going for a walk.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 20

! Archer Lisa

Mr. Burns with Archer Lisa Blow Lisa’s Mind Time: 24h Reward $ 1200 XP 300

Archer Lisa: It’s all so clear to me now. These so-called strategy games are a scam.

Archer Lisa: You raid and you raid, you think you’re gettin stronger, but your enemies are getting stronger too.

Archer Lisa: And the more you play, the longer is takes to get upgrades. Until you have no choice but to use…

Mr. Burns: Premium currency.

Archer Lisa: Mr. Burns! What are you doing?

Mr. Burns: Saving you — from yourself.

Archer Lisa: PURPLE?!

( after the task is complete )

Mr. Burns: The gold in these games is worthless. Elixir, it’s just corn syrup and codeine. The game gives you them for free to get you to cough up for premium currency.

Archer Lisa: It’s, it’s all a trick to give us the illusion of accomplishment.

Archer Lisa: But all they want is money. When we can’t feel anything anymore, and we have no choice, we have to pay.

Mr. Burns: Think about it. For $60 you can buy a fantastic console game with a hundred million dollar budget…

Mr. Burns: … that geniuses and artists have worked for years to perfect, giving you hours upon hours of satisfying gameplay.

Mr. Burns: But these so-called freemium strategy games offer you pared-down simplistic gameplay…

Mr. Burns: … but because you’re so hooked on upgrades, you end up spending hundreds of dollars on premium currency to just get back to normal.

Archer Lisa: It’s the ultimate scam.

Mr. Burns: I wish I’d thought of it.

Archer Lisa: So what do I do?

Mr. Burns: You steal the thing that they never thought you’d steal — the premium currency itself.

Archer Lisa: You mean — raid for… donuts?

Mr. Burns: That’s right.

Archer Lisa: But… people pay for those with actual money. You can’t raid for that. It’s not right.

Mr. Burns: “Not right?” This game has sent countless innocent nerds to agonizing deaths.

Mr. Burns: Your father is addicted to super-addictive Elixir. And the game turned your family into upgrade-starved wraiths. Is that “right?”

Archer Lisa: I don’t know anything anymore…

Prince and The Premise Pt. 21

! Wizard Marge

The Simpsons × 4 Steal Premium Currency Time: 24h Reward $ 30 XP 150

Wizard Marge: Where were you Lisa?

Barbarian Homer: Purple purple purple purple?

Goblin Bart: We were worried you wouldn’t be able to help us get that next upgrade.

Archer Lisa: We have to quit this raiding. We must cast aside the skins of inter-game strategy, and return to our lives of cute meaningless missions.

Wizard Marge: I don’t think I can.

Goblin Bart: Never!

Barbarian Homer: PURPLE!

Archer Lisa: Oh, I suppose you would prefer Mr. Burns’ plan, and break the most sacred rule of app-based gaming — and steal the premium currency itself!

Barbarian Homer: I sure would.

Goblin Bart: Me too.

Wizard Marge: … uh-huh.

Archer Lisa: We need to break the meaningless cycle of attacking. It just goes on forever, but nothing really changes.

Wizard Marge: You wouldn’t say that if you had the jeweled slippers upgrade. No one with the jeweled slippers upgrade would ever say that.

( after the task is complete )

Goblin Bart: We did it!

Wizard Marge: The big score!

Barbarian Homer: I’ve got so many donuts! I’m going to buy Kang Topiary — I’ve earned it.

Archer Lisa: I know we’ve suffered at the hands of our silicon valley puppet masters. But I still don’t think this was a very good idea.

D.E. Machina: SIMPSON FAMILY.

Barbarian Homer: Who is that? Who’s talking to us?

D.E. Machina: I AM THE SPIRIT OF FREEMIUM GAMING GIVEN VOICE. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE PRIME DIRECTIVE OF FREEMIUM GAMING.

Archer Lisa: We just did to other players what you do to them every day.

D.E. Machina: YES, EXACTLY. ONLY WE MAY RIP OFF PEOPLE. NOW RETURN THE DONUTS.

Barbarian Homer: We raided those premium donuts fair and square as far as you know.

Goblin Bart: Don’t blame us if our upgrades are so awesome we can steal whatever we want whenever we want.

Wizard Marge: I’m the most upgraded lady wizard — I mean wizard — this game has ever seen.

Archer Lisa: What game are we even talking about anymore?

Barbarian Homer: Listen up you mysterious voice thing somehow speaking for an entire subcategory of tabled and phone-based gaming!

Barbarian Homer: Now that we have a taste of the good stuff – premium C, we can’t go back to “gold”.

Barbarian Homer: With cash-based donuts we’ll finally be living the way we deserve. In the now! No more grinding and waiting and grinding and waiting.

Wizard Marge: … and when the days are finally up convincing yourself it was worth it.

D.E. Machina: RETURN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE STOLEN

Goblin Bart: No way! We’re not scared of you!

Archer Lisa: Why don’t you return what you’ve stolen from all the players of these games around the world!

Goblin Bart: And by stolen we mean “an agreed upon exchange of goods and services.”

D.E. Machina: THERE IS ONE CURRENCY MORE VALUABLE THAN DONUTS.

D.E. Machina: NO. THE MOST VALUABLE CURRENCY IS… TIME. EVERYONE HAS THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME.

D.E. Machina: EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SPENDING TIME AT THE SAME RATE.

D.E. Machina: ONCE TIME IS SPENT IT IS GONE FOREVER. YET MANY PEOPLE GET NO VALUE FROM IT AT ALL.

D.E. Machina: IS IT REALLY A GOOD USE OF YOUR “LIFE CURRENCY” TO GRIND AND GRIND AWAY AT THESE GAMES TO SAVE MONEY?

D.E. Machina: YOU CAN EARN MORE MONEY. BUT YOU CAN NEVER EARN MORE TIME.

Barbarian Homer: Nice try, hippie.

Wizard Marge: No, Homer. He’s right. Think of all the moments people have missed with their families.

Wizard Marge: Moments they will never get back — just to try to get one over on these games without spending money. It’s so tragic.

Archer Lisa: Freemium games — both strategy-based and town building alike — are a blight on society!

Goblin Bart: Eh, I like touching screens. I stick by my choice.

Barbarian Homer: Forget it, you impossible thing that can’t speak but is speaking anyway, the Simpsons are gonna become the donut kinds of the cloud, and you can’t stop us.

D.E. Machina: UNLESS… I STEAL YOUR TIME. I CAN RESET THE PROGRESS ON THIS GAME.

D.E. Machina: AND THEN ALL THE TIME “SPENT” PLAYING IT WILL HAVE DISAPPEARED FOREVER.

Archer Lisa: My Mensa gazebo!

Goblin Bart: All that stuff I did in Krustyland yet I never seem to go there!

Wizard Marge: If we go back to level 1 I’ll be locked in Moe’s Tavern again.

Barbarian Homer: Go back to Level 1 and redo everything? … I’ll be good.

Goblin Bart: I think I just did a mission where I peed my pants.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 22

! Archer Lisa

Lisa Reluctantly Sing Karaoke Time: 60m Reward $ 70 XP 17 Marge Reluctantly Sing Karaoke Time: 60m Reward $ 70 XP 17

Archer Lisa: Mr. BIG FREEMIUM Thing? Tiny favor. Can you at least undo all the damage of this ridiculous Clash of Clones storyline? It’s brought us nothing but suffering.

Wizard Marge: And a Prince and Pauper parody. LAME.

D.E. Machina: FEAR NOT, HECTORING CHILD. THIS “UPDATE” LIKE THE ONES THAT CAME BEFORE IS BUT TEMPORARY.

D.E. Machina: IF THE FINGER THAT CONTROL YOUR SAD LIVES CANNOT HEED MY ADVICE AND DELETE THIS GAME AND ALL ITS DATA…

D.E. Machina: THEN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOON THINGS WILL BE AS THEY ONCE WERE.

Wizard Marge: So we’ve learned our lesson. Time is best spent with the people we love. For those moments we can never get back.

Goblin Bart: Or — we can get as many raids in as possible before time runs out!

Barbarian Homer: Purple-purple-purple-purple-purple-purple!

Wizard Marge: Come on, let’s go sing some karaoke.

Prince and The Premise Pt. 23

! Barbarian Homer

Reach Level 25 and Build the Burns Manor Barbarian with Smithers Go on a Date with Smithers Time: 2h Reward $ 220 XP 54

Barbarian Homer: Come on boy, one more piece of unfinished business.

Goblin Bart: Letting that muscle-y loser out of the brown house?

Barbarian Homer: It’s the right thing to do.

Barbarian: Wow. A lot of people use that house for a lot weird stuff.

Barbarian Homer: Come on, Barbarian Buddy. Let’s get you back to your game where you can be mindlessly slaughtered.

Barbarian: But I want to stay here. I like the fixed dog races, the Mensa meetings at the gazebo, and watching Smithers whip it good.

Barbarian Homer: Somebody’s got a crush!

( after the task is complete )

Marge: Homie, did you really quit drinking that purple stuff?

Homer: Cold turkey.

Marge: And you feel okay?

Homer: Yeah. Actually. It turns out it wasn’t addictive after all.