OAKLAND – With the State Department now recommending that people avoid going on cruises, Princess Cruise Line is offsetting that potentially devastating news with fabulous new deals for potential passengers. Anyone booking a 6-day cruise will now get an extra 14 days for free, in deluxe, private accommodations that not even the cleaning staff will disturb.

“We’ll Care For You Intensively!” reads one new poster advertising the exclusive deal. “The Excitement is Contagious!” reads another. Princess cruise bookings were down almost 100% this week, after the recent deaths on their ships due to Covid-19, but company marketers say that this is just another opportunity.

“This has really put us on the map,” said company vice president Trixie Fullum. “We have so many great slogan idea that we can’t keep up with them all. For instance, ‘Haven’t Heard of Us? WHO has!’ is one that we haven’t used yet, but obviously is brilliant. Yes, older passengers are going to want to stay away, but for young folks who have never been able to afford a cruise before thanks to the laughably low minimum wage and crushing debt, this is really going to be a fantastic opportunity!”

Captain K. Warren Tyne, who commands the ship Immortal Princess, says that he is confident cruises will continue on schedule. “I’m not worried,” he said, standing in front of a “Catch the Fever!” poster. “The President of the United States said it’s not a big deal, so why are we all so concerned? Don’t you trust the President?”