The great folks over at SAFER Campus pointed me to the most ludicrous Sexual Assault Prevention information page ever, courtesy of the Valdosta State University police department. Instead of providing valuable information for men and women concerning the most common form of sexual assault on a college campus—-acquaintance rape—-Georgia-based VSU has published a 13-point victim-blaming guide that manages to shame women for climbing stairs, not gouging a dude’s eyes out, and failing to be constantly vigilant of the serial killers who walk among us.

The worst of the worst, after the jump.

Women: Nature’s victims. According to Valdosta State coppers, women “make easy targets for random acts of violence” for three reasons: (1) they’re dumb; (2) they insist on walking around like dainty little ladies; (3) they go places girls aren’t allowed.

The three main reasons women make easy targets for random acts of violence are:

* Lack of awareness (you MUST know where you are & what’s going on around you.) * Body language (keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up) * Wrong place, wrong time (DON’T be walking alone in an alley, or driving in a bad neighborhood at night)

One major deficit of female “awareness”: Awareness of that serial killer parked next to you.

Some women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.). DON’T DO THIS! A predator could be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. . . . If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. A lot of serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

Better just stick on the ground floor, ladies. First rule of multi-level buildings: Always remember that “stairwells are horrible places to be alone.” Second rule of multi-level buildings: Always remember that elevators are horrible places to be with other people. Ask yourself: Do you really need to get above the lobby today?

Always take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone.) * Do not get on an elevator if your instincts tell you that something is wrong (Remember, bad men don’t always look bad). * Do not stand back in the corners of the elevator, be near the front, by the doors, ready to get off. * If you get on the elevator on the 25th floor, and the Boogie Man gets on the 22nd, get off when he gets on.

Know your predator shooting statistics. Stop freaking out, delicate ladies: “it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.”

If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS run! * POLICE only make 4 of 10 shots when they are in range of 3-9 feet. This is due to stress. * The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

Live in fear of all other humans. If you don’t, you may get yourself raped.

Women are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT, it may get you raped, or killed.

Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

If you don’t gouge his eyes out, whatever happens to you is all your fault. Yes: It actually says that.

If he’s driving, find the right time, and stick your fingers in his eyes. He must watch the road, so choose an unsuspecting time, and gouge him. It maybe your ONLY defense. While he is in shock, GET OUT. (This sounds gross, but the alternative is your fault if you do not act.)

Stepping outside your car at noon on a Monday: Risky business.

BREAKDOWNS: (avoid this by ALWAYS keeping your car in good working order) * If your car breaks down, you better have a cell phone to call for help, and lock your doors. * Keep a blanket, and a pair of warm clothes and boots, and a flashlight in your car always for emergencies. * If you don’t have a cell phone, shame on you. * If it’s noon on a business day, you MAY want to put your hazards on and walk to safety. If it’s 2 a.m. and you’re close to a populated and well lighted area, go there ASAP. Otherwise, your best bet is to stay in your vehicle.

Do not leave shelter after sundown.

If you are walking alone in the dark (which you shouldn’t be) and you find him following/chasing you: * Try to get to a lighted area, preferably a populated area. * If he’s following you, cross the street. If he follows you, turn around and look at him. He will know that he can now be identified and that he has lost the element of surprise. * If he chases you, yell for help and run! * Find an obstacle, such as a parked car, and run around it, like ring around the rosy. This may sound silly, but statistical data shows that this has SAVED LIVES.

I don’t know what this one means, but it doesn’t sound good.

Never let yourself or anyone that you know be a in any type of business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station).

Make sure to sign up for more great tips, in a class where a police officer will almost surely refer to you and your friends as “ladies,” without irony.

Sign up for VSU R.A.D. course. It’s a self-defense course for ladies.

And now, for some less sarcastic commentary: Here is what the sexual assault policy gurus at SAFER Campus have to say about these tips: