It’s here! It’s finally here! Every year it seems like the big day will never come, but it’s here. It’s the day to gather with your family and friends ‘round the hearth, warm beverages and sweet treats at the ready, and have a hearty chortle over the things America stuck inside itself and couldn’t remove without the help of trained medical personnel.


All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and none of those things belong in there.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

NECKLACE



“PLACED CRAYON IN EAR ON A DARE”



“WAS BORED AT SCHOOL, PUT PART OF A PEN IN EAR”



DRAIN PLUG



MATCH



END OF A COMB



“ALWAYS PUTS TOILET PAPER IN EAR WHEN SHOWERING. CAN’T REMOVE”



FLOAM



TAPIOCA BALL



TOY MOUSE



“POPCORN KERNELS IN BOTH EARS, ‘FEEDS HER EARS BECAUSE HER EARS ARE HUNGRY’”



LEAF



TAMPON



GOOGLY EYE



GLOW STICK



“PIECE OF GELATINOUS TOY THAT EXPANDS WITH WATER”



PEARL



PEARLS



CAR KEY



BUG



“PUT BLEACH ON A Q-TIP TO CLEAN EAR. CHEMICAL BURN”

“WAS CLEANING EAR WITH Q-TIP, ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO WALL, PUSHED Q-TIP INTO EAR”


Nose

RUBBER BAND



BUTTERFLY



PAINT



PINK VITAMIN



COTTON BALL



TREE NUT



“SNEEZED AND A COMPUTER KEYBOARD KEY CAME OUT RT. NOSTRIL, SNEEZED AGAIN & ANOTHER ONE ALMOST CAME OUT”



GUM



GUM WRAPPER



GUM IN WRAPPER



SEX TOY



POOL NOODLE



PIECE OF STEAK



Throat

BANANA



PLASTIC TOY BANANA



“HAD WIFE’S EARRING IN HIS MOUTH AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”



CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH



TOY HORN



SALT FROM SALT LAMP



MULCH



“DRINKING COFFEE OUT OF CHIP DIP CONTAINER THAT HAD SOME PLASTIC SEAL IN PLACE & FELT PIECE BREAK OFF WHILE DRINKING. STILL IN THROAT”



THROAT LOZENGE STILL IN BLISTER PACK



SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO



MOOD RING



STEEL WOOL



“SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE EATING PEANUTS”



Penis

PIPE CLEANER



STRAW



DOMINO



THIN ELECTRIFIED ROD



“PIECE OF HARD WHITE PLASTIC THAT HE BROKE OFF WHILE WORKING W/ CRAFTS”



BACK OF REMOTE CONTROL



METAL PAPER CLIP



FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS



TOILET PAPER



PEN CAP



6 TO 7 BB PELLETS



“PUT SOAP ON ELECTRICAL WIRE, INSERTED WIRE IN PENIS”



CRACK VIAL



CRAFTING STRING



“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”

CHAIN



PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGER



3M COMMAND STRIP PLASTIC HOOK



Vagina

SMALL CHILD’S TOY



BATON



COLORED PENCIL



“INSERTED A CRAYON IN VAGINA, CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT CAME OUT”



MULTIPLE COTTON BALLS



CAP OF DEODORANT SPRAY



DOMINO



PIECES OF A PEN



GLASS PAPERWEIGHT



“HAD AN EGG VIBRATOR COME APART IN VAGINA LEAVING PART OF IT AND5 BATTERIES IN THE VAGINAL CANAL”



ARTIFICIAL FINGERNAIL



MAKEUP BRUSH



TOY PLASTIC BANANA



PENIS RING



“SLIPPED & FELL ON WET FLOOR AT HOME & ALSO HAS HAD SEX TOY STUCK IN VAGINA FOR 8 MONTHS”



Rectum