Perhaps given what's at stake, and perhaps because he is simply not used to a Neil Warnock team talk, the kind of aggressive, Yorkshire poetry that can inject a man with the rare primal energy of a thousand horny bison, Messi gets sent off in their next match against Wolves. For a professional foul. Lionel Messi was stopping a counterattack as last man. Only in a Neil Warnock side.

It means he is given a one-match ban and without him, they succumb to a 2-1 defeat to Leicester City, thanks to a brace from *checks notes* Wilfred Ndidi.

It is at this juncture that I would just like to give you all some context in the form of Cardiff's relegation rivals, Burnley, who you will find above occupying 18th place.

They have a game in hand. Why do they have a game in hand? Well, dear reader. They have a game in hand because they are in the Europa League semi-finals thanks to a win over Real Madrid on penalties in the quarters. Obviously that's why. How did you not get that? Are you an idiot? Do you simply not believe in the magic of Sean Dyche, the man with a voice that sounds like footsteps on a gravel driveway, the ginger Galactico-toppler?

Back to Cardiff. Messi returns, wins Man of the Match, his 11th of the season, and Cardiff still lose. 2-1 to Liverpool. There are two games to play and Cardiff must win both, and hope Everton take only a point from their final two, to stay up.

Their next game is against Arsenal, who are gunning for the title. Who will get their grubby, desperate mitts on it if they earn three points.

As survivals chances go, they are effectively a dodo.

Before the game, Warnock is defiant. He's confident of beating Emery. He knows he is going to beat Emery. In a way, I am too. I have the funny feeling that the whole season has been building up to this; one last Lionel Messi tango, a devastating, singlehanded destruction of Arsenal to send the entirety of their back-four, goalkeeper and two holding midfielders into counselling.

What I wasn't expecting was this exact performance to come from Bobby Reid. You know, instead of Messi. Who didn't even get an assist.

Warnock, as you'd expect, was a right dickhead about denying Arsenal the title afterwards and do you know something? I just love to see it.

The season was set for a grandstand finish, a final day winner takes all war between Warnock's Cardiff and Dyche's Europa League semi-finalists Burnley for the right to stay in the Premier League.

Alas, Everton won their next game 1-0 and instantly relegated both teams, along with Huddersfield. Shame. A real shame.

Even with nothing to play for, the two teams but on a hell of a show for fans and pundits alike, playing out an exquisite 1-1 draw with the two brightest stars in the galaxy of big names, Chris Wood and Lionel Messi, both getting on the scoresheet.

Messi earns his 12th MOTM award of the season despite Cardiff only winning seven games.

Dyche is sacked. His Burnley team were defeated 6-1 on aggregate just days prior in the Europa League semifinals against AC Milan. Arsenal win the league on the final day, two points ahead of City, and Cardiff finish three points from safety, behind Marcelo Bielsa's Southampton.

Messi's stats for the season: 15 goals and 5 assists in 34 games, and an average match rating of 7.68 - the third highest mark in the league, behind only Hazard and Kane.

At the Cardiff City awards, Messi picks up Fans' Player of the Season and the Signing of the Season awards. He loses out on best goal to Oumar Niasse. Sol Bamba is shipped out to FC Dallas in the MLS almost the instant the summer window opens. Thanks to Messi, Cardiff finish with the worst 'Wages to Turnover' ratio in the Premier League.

So what have we learned?

Can he do it on his own? Could Lionel Messi have kept Cardiff City in the Premier League?

Well... no. If anything, he cost them seven points. They were seven points worse than real life. And obviously that's quite an unsatisfactory conclusion. But let me pose this. Given that both he, and Argentina, are struggling in this season's Copa America, and everyone is wondering why, I think I might have a solution. In the season before every major international tournament, Barcelona need to make sure they have the league wrapped up by January and send Messi out on loan to a long-ball, Brexit football club.

Once there he will toil fruitlessly in a rigid 4-5-1, barely getting the ball but playing out of his skin week-in and week-out for no obvious reward. He will set up Niasse over and over again and watch him miss. He will point to a minuscule space between the lines in the hope that Callum Paterson can thread the needle, and watch him fluff it into the path of the opposition. He will ask for the ball on his chest from a throw-in and watch Aron Gunnarson lob it 20 metres in the air, up and over his head.

Do this to him, do this to the great Lionel Messi, and watch him when he gets off the plane and sees the Argentina squad. Watch him smile and love football again. Watch joy radiate out of him like the exposed Chernobyl reactor.

Do this to him, and watch him play with such zest and energy he ends the next World Cup with 18 goals and the Jules Rimet. This is the key to cracking open the Lionel Messi international duty conundrum, of that I am convinced.