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Listen, only try and do this if you're REALLY dedicated to becoming a dolphin. You can't half-*** my instructions and expect to see any results. I've coached hundreds of individuals into dolphin-hood, and I can guarantee results if you follow this routine to the T. There currently is no known way to reverse this process, so I hope you think this through before committing your life to the dolphin way.

First of all, you're going to need at least 750 containers of Vicks VapoRub (of the 6 ounce variety), 1,500 jars of Icy Hot (3.5 ounces), the BBC radio production of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" on tape, and the complete collection of Flipper on DVD. Every day, I want you to eat 1 FULL container of the VapoRub first thing the morning, before you eat any breakfast. It might be a little unpleasant at first, but you'll get used to it. Next (you can eat before doing this), insert 1 container's worth of VapoRub anally, and let it absorb for at least 3 hours before having a bowel movement. At night, an hour or two before you go to sleep, I want you to do the same thing with the Icy Hot, but with TWO of each of those containers. So eat two, and then insert two.

Set aside at least 1.5 hours each week day to watch several Flipper episodes. I highly recommend listening to the director commentary tracks as well. (This will not help your transformation, but he shares some really great insights into the production process, which you will surely find fascinating.)

On Saturday and Sunday, listen to 3 hours and 6 minutes (plus or minus 1 minute and no more) of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in REVERSE, each day. Douglas Adams (the author) inserted repeated sound waves throughout this show that, when played in reverse, will increase your delta brain waves, which is one of the defining characteristics of dolphins.

Do this for at least a fortnight. On the next full moon, SKIP THE ICY HOT. On the VERY NEXT full moon, take a double-dose of the Icy Hot. (From here on out, alternate this every full moon.) By this time, you'll may notice that the pitch of your voice is increasing slightly, perhaps reminding you of the high-pitched "EEE! EEE!" dolphins always let out. This will be the first sign of your transformation into dolphin-form.

Within a month of your voice change, you will begin to notice a small hump in your back. Don't worry - it's just your new dorsal fin! Once it is at least 2.5 inches, begin listening to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy played regularly (not in reverse), but at 10.5x speed. This will decrease your alpha brain waves, which is the second defining characteristic of dolphin neurology. Stop eating the VapoRub - instead, put that extra container up your ***, in addition to the one you should already be doing. And I mean the FULL container this time - plastic and everything.

At this point, I highly recommend taking the time to learn the dolphin language. You've probably picked up a few key phrases and the basic sentence structures from Flipper. Regular visits to SeaWorld and those places that let you swim with dolphins are good places to start. And, for Christ's sake, if you don't know how to swim, learn now. (This seemingly obvious blunder is one that a lot of rookies make.)

Around the 6 month mark, your nose will be substantially longer. At this point, you should switch to an all-fish diet, including cod, herring, and mackerel (plus the Icy Hot and VapoRub). Your blowhole should also be fully developed. If it isn't, take an ice pick and work it around in there, to help better flesh it out. It is at this point that I would suggest moving into an aquatic lifestyle (something like a gigantic fish tank, a swimming pool, lake, river, ocean, etc). You will still need to do the above steps (VapoRub and Icy Hot treatments, Flipper DVDs, HHGTG at 10.5x), which may be difficult, what with the fact that you live in water, and will have tiny flippers where you once had arms and hands. I highly suggest having a friend help you with this, or hiring a coach such as myself.

By the 1 year marker, the slow transition to dolphin should be complete, and you will be indistinguishable from any other dolphin. Many foolish rookies have tried to maintain human relationships while in dolphin form, but I can tell you, it fails every time. Your inability to communicate vocally, and your overpowering hunger for mackerel, will soon overshadow any human emotions you once had.

Enjoy frolicking in the seas with your dolphin brethren, and watch out for tuna nets.