HEAVEN — This Palm Sunday, millions of Catholics around the world are forgoing the weekly trip to church, and turning on their TVs for a virtual mass. It’s just another way in which the coronavirus pandemic has shaken the world, and it doesn’t appear it will change anytime soon. But it’s not just the mortal world that’s taking precautions amidst the COVID-19 outbreak: son of God and member of the Holy Trinity, Jesus Christ, issued a statement saying he will not transubstantiate this year. “To all the followers of Catholicism around the world, I apologize — but I will not be able to come down from Heaven and take the form of a small cracker and wine.”

It was a shocking revelation from the Christian leader, and a rare statement from Heaven itself. It breaks the nearly two thousand year long tradition of Christ replacing wine with his own blood and unleavened bread with his flesh in Catholic churches around the globe. For many, the news could not have come at a worse time — Easter, arguably the most important Christian holiday, is right around the corner. “This was an incredibly difficult decision to make,” said the Holy Spirit, another member of the Trinity, “but our primary concern must be the health and safety of every member of Heaven.”

Still, there are some who believe it’s a headfake from the Trinity members. “Does no one else think this is a viral marketing campaign?” said Dom Rintze, a Catholic churchgoer in Memphis, TN, “Easter’s right around the corner. What a better time to kick the doors in on the church and be like, ‘I’m back!’ But not like armageddon, just back in the little cup and in that cereal bowl Father Dan uses.” However, God remains adamant that this is not some elaborate scheme — it’s real. “We are in the midst of a global pandemic,” said God at a press conference, adding, “I cannot be more serious: my son is under a stay-at-home order for everyone’s protection. He will not be generating his blood and muscle cells in churches all around the globe. It’s unsafe and it’s reckless.”