Opinion: I Don’t Care If It Isn’t PC, I’m Still Going to Say ‘Hail Satan’ This Halloween

So, I was at Michael’s Craft Store the other day buying some last minute decorations for the upcoming religious holiday and, after checking out, the cashier says to me, “Happy Halloween!” So, I looked right into her stupid, geriatric face and said, “Hail Satan,” as loud and as proud I could so everyone in line could hear me. I won’t be afraid of this PC culture anymore.

This holiday used to be about the celebration of Baphomet and the coming of his army. But now it is so commercialized, it makes me sick. I don’t remember their being a Slutty Snow White at the Witches’ Sabbath. Call me crazy, but I don’t see what Wonder Woman or The Incredibles has to do with our Dark Lord.

And yes, instead of feeding money into the pockets of Big Candy, I do give out poisonous Nightshade and vials of bat’s blood to worthy Trick-Or-Treaters. People are so sensitive these days. You know what? If you didn’t want an invitation to my Orgy In Celebration The King Demon Asmodeus then just unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t care!

There was a time in this country when a man could slit a goat’s throat in the privacy of his own front yard without the HOA getting involved. Or when a few dogs go missing and the police didn’t go right to the Satan worshippers house. Also, those are goat bones buried in my basement, and they were there way before those dogs went missing!

You know what I find offensive? When my neighbors call me ‘That weird satan worshipping guy’ or, even worse, when they think me and that Wiccan couple up the block are the same religion. What ignorance. I am a Luciferian, which the tattoo on my collarbone clearly states.

So I stand before you, unafraid and fortified having cast a protective spell and baptized myself in salt and sandalwood, and say unto thee: Hail Satan!