Years ago when I first began tackling my depression I was told to write a list of gratitudes. At the time the idea seemed uninteresting at best and at worst reminded me of the childhood religious shaming that I was utterly ungrateful.

I would practice gratitude intermittently over the next few years. In the dreary Pacific Northwest winters I would lie in bed for hours, body curled into sheets, the distance of the sun weighing on my body and whisper “Gratitude…..I drove my car today”, “gratitude…well I uh showered?”..”Gratitude…the sun was up today”….”Gratitude….fuck …I don’t know”. I had no room for gratitude in my exhausting schedule filled with doctors appointments, therapy visits, work, graduate school applications, housework, and attempts to be a half decent partner and friend. As the days would wax towards sunlight I would forget the gratitudes that got me through the darkest parts of the year and would immerse myself in a reactive hedonism, eating all the best foods, wanting all the pretty things, spending money and letting ambition drive my feet ever forward, never stopping to appreciate.

Now that my life no longer takes an annual cycle of highs and lows the world seems slower. I can pause and really appreciate what is around me. I can pause and appreciate my warm tiny apartment, my loving and consistent partner, my sassy pirate cat and I remind myself to be grateful. Grateful that the universe has aligned me to a point where I am seen, loved, heard and respected.

So, I find myself coming back to this idea of gratitude. This year and moving into 2020 I wish to recognize every one of the gratitudes that I experience. I have been writing them on little slips of paper and folding them into origami lucky stars. Each star goes into a glass jar on my dresser. It is my hope that this visual will carry me forward into the new year with the reminder that everything I need, I already have.