Comedian Joey Diaz has a way with words, to put it mildly. Whether in his stand-up comedy act, on his podcast, or in regular conversation, as quoted by his friends and fellow comedians, Joey Diaz quotes are hysterical and often absurd. Sometimes not even knowing the premise is best. Sometimes it seems like even Diaz doesn’t know how we got here. All the better.

Other times Joey Diaz quotes are best read for inspiration. Sometimes it’s a mix of the two. Enjoy them either way, ya muthas.

Best Joey Diaz Quotes

“Who’s better than you?”

“I tell ya, you can walk out on your feet or crawl out on your knees, ya follow me?”

“I like people with a little bit of edge to them. They gotta do something.”

“I’m so high right now, if I went into a church I’d mug the preacher for a wafer.”

“I just showed up at the Comedy Store. You keep showing up, and you keep showing up, and eventually, somebody notices.

“If you fuck up pork fried rice, what do we got to talk about, Jack?”

“The guy tells you the whole white version of what just happened.”

“If you’re walking on ice, you might as well dance.”

“Where does it say in the comic handbook that I have to look young, be cute and shit. Well I am cute, look at me: Like Ricky Martin and Fred Flinstone rolled up into one.”

“They don’t teach you that shit at ImprovOlympic. You know where you learn that shit? In court. That’s how you learn to improvise, you go to court four times a month. You’ll learn quick. You don’t even have to pay nothing. Fuck The Groundlings. What level are you? Probation.”

“You gotta see the devil before you can be your own god.”

“I was going to call my friends in Jersey to send me money for a fax machine so I could fax Jay Leno jokes from prison. I swear to God. I was gonna do like three years, I was just gonna fax Jay Leno jokes.”

For even more Diaz, check out this animated rant from the Joe Rogan Experience.

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