Opening Up

My partner and I are thinking about an open relationship. How do we set the rules?

There is no foolproof way of doing this. I have found that it’s far easier to start a relationship as open/poly than open it up later.

First of all, don’t wait until an opportunity for sexual activity presents itself before discussing it!

Start with thinking about what you want, what you really, really want.

There’s a lot that goes on in a relationship – some people are happy to have every relationship have equal rights, others would like to keep one relationship as the “primary” one. If you’re opening up, make sure you are both aware and happy with what you are opening up to:

Sex with others

– No kissing

– No penis-in-vagina sex

– No sex without STD testing first

– No sex with friends of us both

– No sleeping over afterwards

– Safer sex – use latex boundaries for everything, also oral and manual sex

– Not in our bed

– Only if I can join in

– Only if I can watch

– No kink

– Only if it’s a girl

– Only if it’s a boy

– No watching porn

– No masturbating

– Only outside of our postcode

To me, some of these are more rational than others, but there’s no point in me telling you what you should want – I’m sure I’ll find a reason to rant about unreasonable limits at some other time.

Emotional connections.

– No falling in love*

– Friends with benefits only

– Only swinging

– Only with strangers

– I have to stay the primary partner

Communication and reassurance

– I need to know if you are interested in someone

– I need to know a week in advance if you’ve got a date

– I need you to check with me before setting a date

– I need to have met them before you do anything physical

– I want to have veto power on partners

– I need you to tell me beforehand whether you’ll have sex

– I want to know everything that happened!

– I want to know only the basics

– I don’t want to know**

What about me?

– I want at least 2 nights a week with you

– I want to be the only one you do X, Y and Z with

Discuss your own needs and limits, and your partner’s limits. Just because something is okay for you, doesn’t mean it’s okay for them! You need to make sure to respect your partner’s feelings and boundaries – it can be difficult to admit insecurities so you should be as openminded and nonjudgmental as you can to this.

Write them down. This’ll help you remember it, and it’s great when, in a few months, you want to go over the rules and see if anything needs to be added or taken off the list – and I highly recommend you do so.

A lot of the time when people open up, they will set harsh rules just to make sure they won’t get caught out and to see that their partner can stick to them. Later, they can relax those rules and trust their partner’s judgement on the matter.

*Out of all the limits, to me this is the most unreasonable and impossible to enforce. You cannot stop your feelings.

**This is a dangerous one. I understand that “don’t ask, don’t tell” may work for some, but I believe a relationship is based on honest and open communication! Avoid this sort of arrangement if you can as it may very well blow up on you.