It's been a little while since we've taken a stroll down the lonely and dangerous streets of bootleg town. Cataloging the world of bootleg action figures takes its toll on a man, but I've returned with renewed vigor to bring you five more unbelievably abysmal toys.

This edition's bootlegs aren't centered around a theme. Actually, I take that back. The general theme is atrociousness. I managed to dredge up one of the most offensive toys I've ever seen, but also found a particularly amicable fellow as well. You'll see what I mean...

1. "Black Gorilla"

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I don't even want to address this figure's issues. The name is more than enough to shame its shady bootleg creators. And somehow "Black Gorilla" is only marginally more offensive than fellow figures in the line, "Red Hawk" and "Super Sumo". I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, just check out the cardback image at the link above for the cross-sells to the most offensive action figure line in history.

2. "Amicable Herculean"

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Best name for action figure line of all time. There's nothing even close to Amicable Herculean in my eyes. Everybody loves a barbarian hero with a "spirit of friendliness; without serious disagreement or rancor." I can't even begin to imagine all the friendly disagreements this likable... bandit detective dock-worker with a turtle shell... gets into.

3. D-Roid

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This is what C-3PO would be like if he played professional sports these days. This humongous droid dwarfs his standard figures, and features more than a few weird proportions to go along with his size. His arms, if extended, would reach well past his knees, and I'm amazed he can stand at all with his duck-toed legs. But at least he appears to be inset with rare gems of various sorts.

4. Battle Snarf

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If Cringer turns into Battle Cat, then I guess this is what Snarf turns into when he becomes awesome. This terrible bootleg might give you a disease, but I love the aggressive and athletic take on Snarf that's hidden beneath the muddy paint and soft sculpting. His blond toupée accessory will be huge for your Professor X figures too!

5. Bathman

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Batman might be the most popular character in the history of action figures. But I'm not sure how his cousin Bathman here got the go-ahead. He seems to have fashioned a cape out of a dingy bath towell, wrapped his waist in a roll of toilet paper, and still wears the satisfied grin of a hero who has just dumped his style of dark justice on the toilet that is Gotham City.

And that's why I called them atrocious. You were given fair warning, but still managed to find your way through this mess! I offer you a congratulations, but I only have one thing left to offer the bandit detective dock-workers with turtle shells who made these figures...

Knock it off.