M’nakta N’tadaku Johnson, of the Sudanese Johnsons, has announced that he’s suing the Obama family for $40 million for “excluding him from the lives of his children under Musammical law.” His lawsuit states that as the only known biological parent of the two girls, he is entitled to compensation for being withheld from their lives.

The suit comes just after Sasha turned 18, assuring that the case would be heard in a federal court in Sudan rather than a probate court in Washington, DC. According to Johnson’s attorney, Art Tubolls:

“Mr. Johnson will be happy to meet the Obamas at the 304th US District Court at the Embassy in Sudan. We have filed to be heard on one of the four days of the month the court is in session to decide US-based matters. The Obamas can either take a nice trip to Africa or they can pay the settlement amount of $40 million. It’s their choice.”

The suit claims that Michael Bruchette Parsons McGillicuddy, who would eventually become “Michelle Robbins,” paid M’nakta to impregnate one of his wives and then give the babies to him. After the surgery, “Michelle” was supposed to send for all of them, but she only sent for the girls, refusing to acknowledge that M’natka Johnson was even a real person at all.

In fact, he is real. He is an artist and a playwriter. He sings with the local Musselman choir and hardly ever jihads. Being happily married, he doesn’t crave the neverending chocolate fountain that comes with 72 virgins in paradise. Now, after being tossed aside like a figment of someone’s imagination, he’s coming forward…with proof.

Not only does he claim to possess the paternal DNA of the girls, but he also claims to be bringing their biological mother. “Either they can pay up and have a nice meetup with their birth parents,” said Tubolls, “or they can pay up and have an attitude about it. I get 30 percent either way.”

Lawyers. They can be so matter-of-fact. One thing they are not is dumb. Tubolls is well-known to be the guy who put Michael Keaton on the Hollywood blacklist for all those years, and all he did was refuse to be Batman. Tragic? Yes. But not like this. The Obamas will pay — and the world will know the truth.