ARCADIA, CA—After the death of 3-year-old colt Emtech this weekend marked the racetrack’s 32nd equine fatality of the year, investigators stated Monday that the unusual mortality rate at Santa Anita Park could potentially be the work of a horse serial killer. “After examining hoofprints at the crime scene and pulling some DNA off a clump of hay, we now have reason to believe these deaths are not only murders but, in fact, the work of a single deranged horse,” said lead detective Karen Kaufman, who told reporters that the killer exhibited a clear pattern of behavior by always returning to the same track and that the victims—all horses—matched a similar profile. “Genetic analysis has shown the killer is of thoroughbred pedigree, and at this time I can confirm that Country Horse, Improbable, and American Pharoah are all horses of interest. Whatever the killer’s reasons, be it power, sex, or feelings of embitterment after being put out to stud, we’re dealing with a really sick horse here, and the racing community should be on high alert.” At press time, officials at Santa Anita Park expressed regret that, following an attempt to collect evidence from the racetrack, Detective Kaufman took a bad step, broke her leg, and was forcibly euthanized.

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