

At the beginning of a new relationship it is difficult to know what is normal and what is pathologic. Here are some red flags that should make you question whether or not you are with a

narcissist.



1. They are VERY interested in you.

When you first meet your initial conversations have less of a ‘get to know you’ feel and are more like an interrogation. They may join in the conversation, but they tend to want to know as much about you as possible. This is the initial situation, soon they become very full of themselves and only want to talk about how great they are.

Why this pulls you in:

They show so much interest in you when you first meet them. This can be irresistible to someone that has been ignored, unheard or otherwise lonely. This burst of attention can make you feel like this person cares about you. If you desperately want some attention, you are at risk.

2. They reveal something very personal early.

Most people share private details with someone as they get to know them. This is different, because these are shared long before the relationship warrants this type of exchange.

Why this pulls you in:

Revealing something personal is associated with attaining a certain level of intimacy. This is often reciprocated. In normal social interactions, people want the same level of vulnerability. We all want close, personal, relationships. Sharing personal things before you have known someone very long (regardless of how close you feel!!) is risky because they can and will use this personal information against you.

3. They elicit sympathy.

They give you a reason to feel sorry for them: broken home, lost job, just got out of a bad relationship, hard times.

Why this pulls you in:

This plays on our natural instincts to help one another. If someone shows vulnerability we feel like we want to help. One of the most common examples is that their last lover was very mean to them and treated them badly. They now are hurt, vulnerable and scared to get involved with another person. We can all relate to having an Ex that hurt us. This helps build the relationship by creating a common experience, a common understanding. If you did have a bad relationship before, they find this alluring. They want drama in their lives and if you get pulled into Ex bashing, they have found a true partner.

4. All of their spare time must be with you.

Narcissists cannot be alone. Do not mistake this for them really, really wanting to spend time with you. They are trying to avoid being alone.

Why this pulls you in:

If you have been lonely, or alone too much, this can make you feel special and loved.

5. Quickly, they start making long-term plans.

They can see your future for decades. They get really close really fast, well before it would normally happen.

Why this pulls you in:

They want you to see this imaginary future and start planning long term. Later, this will be used against you if you try to break away from the relationship because this imaginary life is something that you have agreed to and probably want. This is the opposite of someone that “won’t commit” and can be misunderstood as desirable.

6. They lie.

They exaggerate or give only partial information about things. Like, their last job may have been lost because they didn’t show up for work. They say that their boss was a jerk.

Why this pulls you in:

They are pulling on your heartstrings often by telling lies that inflate them, make them look like the victim or make them seem interesting.

7. They blame others for all of their problems.

They do not take responsibility for the loss of their last relationship, job, friends, or anything else.

Why this pulls you in:

It can give you a misrepresentation of who they are and not let you see how much trouble they cause. It also elicits sympathy because they have had such a hard time.

8. They have a need to know where you are and whom you are with at all times.

They blame this on their last relationship and make you feel like it is up to you to make them feel safe and loved, because they were hurt so bad before.

Why this pulls you in:

It can make you feel special and loved to have someone contacting you to say hello. These calls (texts, emails or whatever) are often masked as, “I miss you and wanted to say hello.” These are actually check-up calls so that they can keep track of you.

9. They display anger disproportionate to the situation.

Anyone that has road rage, gets snippy with a clerk, waiter or someone that they barely have contact with is showing inappropriate anger. These can be subtle at the time, but are MAJOR. Normal people do not have this amount of pent up rage.

Why this pull you in:

If you tend to lack assertiveness, it can be nice to be with someone that stands up for you.

10. History of reckless behaviour.

They tell stories about great and daring things that they have done.

Why this pulls you in:

These stories are often interesting and make the person seem daring and exciting. It feels like being with them will make your life more expansive and enjoyable.

My Book, The Narcissist Survival Guide is now available.

10 Ways to Discourage Narcissists from Dating You

Protecting Yourself from the Narcissist

Leaving the Narcissist

Revealed! 6 lies Narcissists Tell

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