Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com)

Don't think of "You Are So Nashville If ..." — the Scene's annual competition to find the most telling, cutting and amusing phrase to complete that sentence — as a contest. Think of this quarter-century tradition as ... any of you folks remember the old Seinfeld holiday of Festivus? Think of YASNI as the yearly airing of grievances. If you want an accurate reading of what's on everyone's minds this election season, this school-search season, this hey-look-Nashville-got-picked-up-for-a-fourth-season season, within these pages you'll find the city on the couch.

And this year, evidently, y'all could use a little tender loving therapeutic care. For if the 2015 YASNIs have any dominant theme, it's identity crisis. You don't see the old familiar spots. You don't recognize (or like) what's sprung up to replace them. Either we're so Atlanta, we're so in danger of becoming Atlanta, or we're so in denial about already being Atlanta. If rednecks were the easy target of 25 years ago, today it's the hipster. To that increasingly loathed "It City" tag, you were more than happy to add a preliminary "Shhh ..."

But that doesn't mean you weren't having fun. This is a family affair, and nobody gives you tougher love than your nearest and dearest. What follows are this year's best YASNI entries, as voted upon by the Scene's editorial staff, painstakingly selected in a blind process that doesn't allow us to see the name of each entry's author beforehand. So get ready to laugh, fume, argue and debate the winners as we ask you to complete the magic words: "You are so Nashville if ..."

First Place

You're afraid Bob Mueller's mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building

—Zack Bennett

About the winner:

Anyone who's been following the annual YASNI contest is surely familiar with Zack Bennett's name — his jokes have regularly appeared in the YASNI issue since 2005, he won second place in 2011 and took first place in 2014. In fact, Bennett's name has become so synonymous with YASNI, this year there was even a YASNI entry about him.

So how does he consistently write such perfect descriptions of life in Nashville? "A lot of snark," he laughs. "Years and years of development of snark. I try to not be too mean, because Nashville is a big city, but it's still a small town, and everyone knows everybody."

This year's winning entry, specifically, is a topic Bennett has visited in the past. In 2010 he was also inspired by WKRN-Channel 2 anchor Bob Mueller, saying "You are so Nashville if ... You tell your kids, 'When I was your age, Bob Mueller looked just like ... well, that.' "

"I like Bob," he laughs. "Bob Mueller has been on the news since I was a small child, maybe even before, and he looks exactly the same. Anne Holt is exactly the same, too. And Neil Orne, in the mornings — he looks the same as he did 20 years ago. There's got to be a fountain of youth at News 2."

So given that he's won YASNI two years in a row (a feat achieved only once before, in 2006 and 2007 by Michael Williams), does Bennett have any plans to retire from the contest? "I'll retire when things stop being funny," he says. "It's a fun little roast — when you can make fun of yourself, that's when humor is at it's best. As awesome as Nashville is, and has become, as great of a place that it is, there's a lot to make fun of." —MEGAN SELING

Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com)

Second Place

You're concerned that the city has become just one giant bachelorette party.

— Eric Melcher

Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com)

Third Place

You heard the proposed swinger's club in Madison became a church. This week's Bible study will be delving into First and Second Peter.

— Bill Hench

Honorable Mentions:

You open a winery next to the homeless shelter. — Sean Williams

Instead of hauling your old TV to Goodwill, you put it out on the corner for Linda Eskind Rebrovick to pick up. — Brian Bates

Mick Jagger took more pictures in front of the Parthenon in one day than you have in 40 years. — Dave Foster

You filled out a prayer request card for Google Fiber. — Sean Williams

Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com) As the next mayor, you’ll fix our city’s mass transit problem by adding more pedal taverns. — Chris Adams

You can’t believe people are worried about schools and affordable housing. Dammit, DEACON HAS CANCER! — Bill Hench

Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com) You want to share a pitcher with the person who writes the TDOT signs. — Alison

You think they should build a giant ark instead of a flood wall because that’s what that guy Noah did in the official state book. — Daniel Hicks

You saw a film crew and thought The Walking Dead had moved production to Nashville, but it turned out to be a Bart Durham commercial.” — Zack Bennett

Your police give you hot chocolate and coffee while you protest. — Ken Lass

You don’t know what icing is but you know when to yell “YOU SUCK”! — Raul Kemp

Your house has a taint. — Drew Maynard

Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com) Dave Cobb is your write-in candidate for mayor. — Matthew Parriott

Your football team sells out every home game even though you haven’t seen another person in your row since 2008. — Brian Bates

On this page once stood a great YASNI entry, but it was demolished to build a luxury apartment high-rise. — Zack Bennett

And the rest…

You tried to make dinner reservations at Casa Azafrán. — Bill Hench

Your neighbor’s Amp Yes! signs have lasted longer than the idea of the project. Clean up your damn yard, Terry! — Julio LaPeppercorn

You’re the tomato in the country music salad. — Your Uncle Mike

Your convention center has curated local #branded honey from 100,000 bees. — Wes Hartline

You complain about gentrification on a patio in the Gulch. — Katie Miller

You want to save Music Row but haven’t paid money for new music in 10 years. — Sean Williams

You charter a charter study on the effect charter studies are having on charters that charter schools charter. — Jacob Maurer

You are disappointed that last year’s restaurant boom did not deliver us a KenTacoHut on Second Avenue. — Andy Gasparini

You’re psyched The Sounds finally have a decent ballpark so you can not go to any of their games again this year. — Andy Logan

You are so Nashville if [please visit my website to find out]. — Drew Gaskins

Your neighborhood church is selling its property because it should never miss out on a market opportunity like this. — Wes Hartline

YOU get Fiber! And YOU get Fiber! And YOU — no, not you, Bellevue. — Meredith Hunter

Your half-million-dollar house is in a food desert. — Trent Hanner

You’ve decided that it’s finally time to get your real estate license. — Rebekah Jenkins

You feel cheated because your roundabout only got a rock sculpture. — Sal Ierovante

You’ve drunk dialed a request to the Christian radio station. — Sean Williams

You complain that you can’t buy tube socks and pineapples anymore at the Nashville Farmer’s Market. — Nicole Miller

You feel connected to AstroButch, the Nashville-connected Astronaut. — Wes Hartline

Rental prices mean you’re now so Antioch. — Lillian Hallstrand

Your trust issues with Snowbird improved after the ice storms. — Amanda

You go into Las Palmas and demand that the guacamole be made with Jack White’s recipe. — Bryan Voss

Wait ...The Muse is a Domino’s? — Jamie Yost

You’ll probably never stop swapping Dave Cloud stories with your friends. — John Marshall

Your favorite public art is some paint spilled on a retaining wall along I-40. — Frank Blacke

Your mass transit is a golf cart. — John Blackwell

You had tickets to a half-dozen cancelled Morrissey shows. — Craig Mangum

You’ve received a warning from the East Nashville Facebook Page admins. — Hannah Hoffman

Your church has a dungeon. — Betsy Barbour

Wait. Are you fucking with me? A monorail? — Andy Gasparini

Your locally sourced peaches are trucked in from Georgia. — Sean Williams

You feel like Alan Lomax because you have field recordings of Nashville from 2005. — Brian Siskind

You suspect it’s your mother that is submitting all those calls to “Ticked Off!” — Liz Bourner Laney

You don’t feel very Nashville anymore. — Susan Serafin

The Tennessean leaves you shaking your head more than the Metro Council. — Wes Hartline

You know where the bathroom is at Hermitage Cafe. — Vivek Surti

You think the flood wall will prevent any more Yankees from infiltrating the city. — Green Hell

You didn’t realize PSL meant Perpetually Subsidizing Losses. — Bill Hench

Explaining Caitlyn Jenner to your grandparents is easier than getting them to dial 615 every time they need to call you. — Kristofer Hill

You figured out how East Nashville is connected to Sylvan Park and Antioch is connected to Bordeaux but not how Goodlettsville is connected to Belle Meade. — Bob Ward

You’ve lost track of how many bars are located inside the Mercy Lounge now. — Andy Gasparini

You catch a foul ball at a Sounds game with hot chicken grease on your fingers. — Katie Gonzalez

You sang to the Planning Commission about squeezing it in. — Tony Gonzalez

You felt happy for Snowbird to get some of his street cred back after accurately predicting the ice storms. — Amanda

You have a metal sign in your house reminding you of what city you just moved to. — Louisa Green

You walked into a Madison church expecting a twosome with Jesus and ended up in a threesome with the Jorgensons. — Julio LaPeppercorn

You pick your hot chicken joint because of its sides. — Bob Ward

Listening to Hunter Hayes makes you wanna jump up and hide the helium. — Bill Hench

All of your streets are either blocked by cranes or Kim Kardashian. — Zack Bennett

You tell 629ers that Granny White is a kind of apple. — Mike Dorr

You go to an arts and crafts festival only to spend the whole time waiting in line at The Grilled Cheeserie. — Tiffany Clapp

You enjoyed a full slab of ribs before a Morrissey concert. — John Marshall

Your hospital’s ads are designed by Jesus and Anne Geddes. — Trent Hanner

You’re a marketing firm in Missouri. — Meredith Hunter

That guy from Hootenanny Events owes you money. — Sean Clem

You smuggle ketchup packets into Nashville restaurants that only provide house-made ketchup (I’m looking at you, Husk). — Bryan Voss

You deserve to be paid for what you’ve gone through. — Lola Austin

You have the solution to the parking problems at the new ballpark: a three mile pedestrian bridge to Greer Stadium. — Bill Hench

You started a petition drive to bring back Ozzie as the Sounds mascot but have no intention of voting in the mayoral election. — Brian Bates

You thought Mariota was the new Nissan crossover. — Jason and Heath Hinson

You know Sturgill Simpson fell off The Turnip Truck. — Frazer Rolen

Google Fiber, Google Fiber, GOOGLE FIBER! OMG! GOOGLE FIBER! SUCK IT, COMCAST! — George Oeser

You rent your illegal garage apartment for more than your mortgage payment. — Sylvan Pork

You carry your baby goat around in your Louis Vuitton tote. — Cyndie

Your recording studio has historic mold and asbestos. — Ken Lass

You fought to save Studio A, but don’t know where it is. — Betsy Barbour

You treat a stuffy nose with Hattie B’s. — Kelsey Hutchinson

You called Bart Durham when your car got hit by a “Morgan and Morgan” bus. — Peter Dinkel

You still think you can get from your house to anywhere in less than 10 minutes. — Shannon Labrie

You have finally found an at-large council candidate that fits the needs of Scientologists all across Nashville. — Tom Cruise

You wish your neighborhood could go back to the good old days when it was a still a bad neighborhood. — Steve Williams

Your staycation includes Lake Palmer. — Karen Rolen

You rode the rides at Fair Park as a child, Opryland as a young adult and the Nashville Pedal Tavern as a senior citizen! — Richard Scott

You went to a convention center to have a meeting about having a meeting in a different convention center about building a new convention center. — John Marshall

You’re glad our Bass Pro is more tasteful. — Trent Hanner

In your 40s, you can’t afford the neighborhoods where you HAD to live in your 20s. — Roben Gamble

Your disgust of “tall and skinny” is never misinterpreted as body shaming. — Hannah Hoffman

You would rather party with the “Bang This” twins than Florida Georgia Line. — Reed West

You’re only entering in hopes of beating Zack Bennett in number of entries published. —Jamie Yost

Even NES can’t kill your Pro Tools rig. — DJ Suspicion

School board meetings are more exciting than Stadium Inn cage matches. — Craig Mangum

You’re like, “OK, Nashville, I get it, but come on, really??? Stop already! You know?” — Trent Hanner

You submit your YASNI ideas every year because you think someone from the Scene might contact you and ask you out for lunch to discuss a full-time writing gig because you are so clever and seem to be gifted with wit. — John Marshall

Your constituents are assholes — though surely the feeling is mutual. — Meredith Hunter

You’ve rolled your eyes at these geeks takin’ pics in front of “I BELIEVE IN NASHVILLE.” — Matt B.

You sneak your demo in behind a bargain CD at McKay hoping to get discovered. — Jason and Heath Hinson

Your fingers bled after hitting the refresh button on the Ticketmaster website when the Foo Fighters came to the Mother Church. — Thema

You check in at church on Facebook. — Heather Holland

You had to carry your purse back to the car before you could get into the Rolling Stones show. — Raul Kemp

You have to move to Kentucky to get TennCare. — Laurel and Matt North

You’d let out-of-town developers tear down every building on Music Row as long as it stops Florida Georgia Line from releasing another album. — Matthew Parriott

You’re standing at the urinal at Jim ‘N Nick’s but you can’t pee until your guitar solo ends on the piped-in music. — Ed King

You skipped right past your destiny as “the next Austin” to the overhyped, overcrowded and embittered climate of the current Austin. — Charlie Harris

Your favorite MTA bus driver has the same high and tight hipster haircut as you. — Matthew Parriott

You’re moving back to town. — Lindsay Bergstrom

You’re still waiting on your Google Fiber shirt. — Mike A.

You didn’t read it — but if Betsy wrote it, you hate it. — Meredith Hunter

It took you longer to get across town than it did to sell your house. — Aaron Grayum

You have more fuzz pedals than Dan Auerbach. — Andy Logan

You’ve stopped bragging about Brian Williams delivering the commencement address at your Hillsboro High graduation. — Stacy Harris

You took a wrong turn on the way to Atlanta and, hey ... this is close enough. — Jamie Yost

You understand the difference between “next” and “next next.” — Meredith Hunter

You do cocaine off a guitar pick. — Christie

You really wish the Titans would get rid of the flaming thumbtack logo and use the damn sword. It’s cooler. — Andy Gasparini

You’re excited your Internet will become more regular with Google fiber. — Rachel White

You scalped your Sounds tickets for more than your Titans tickets. — Jason and Heath Hinson

You look forward to buying your Two Buck Chuck locally instead of in Atlanta or St. Louis. — Bryan Voss

You think the scariest thing about a 77-year-old defensive coordinator is that he’s your best cornerback. — Bill Hench

You are upset about Harris Teeter degrading itself into a Kroger and have vowed yourself to support Piggly Wiggly until the end times. — John Marshall

Your police department delivers cocoa! — MicheleTotty

You’re just glad you only said, “Huh” and not “Wow!” or “Blimey,” or “Gee willikers!” — Meredith Hunter

You could put together a band made up entirely of Uber drivers who have picked you up. — Andy Gasparini

You oppose the Metro Charter amendment to reduce the size of the Metro Council because it would require a change to the name of the Nashville Scene’s Pith in the Wind topic “40 Jealous Whores.” — Randy Foster

You’re worried about state legislators with P.M.S. (Pompous Mansplainer Syndrome). — Bill Hench

You figured out Vic Lineweaver was running for office again when you saw his name start appearing in funeral home guestbooks all over the county. — Peter Dinkel

You almost resigned after your new work phone had a 629 area code. — Mike Dorr

You outbid your own bid for a house. — Katie Miller

In the past week you have overheard three different people discussing their idea for a “Christian Tinder” app. — Luke

You can say “I drive for Uber when I’m not on the road” without understanding how little sense that makes to outsiders. — Andy Gasparini

You heard more country music at The Rolling Stones than at CMA Fest. — Jason and Heath Hinson

You think the fairgrounds should have food truck races. You’d pay good money to see somebody lap Smokin’ Thighs. — Bill Hench

Rather than bodily or economic harm, your threats involve Applebee’s. — Meredith Hunter

You’re skeptical when your boyfriend invites you to try out a new church in Madison. — Mike Dorr

Any time someone says, “It’s hot!” you say, “You need a pool!” Every. Single. Time. — Aaron Grayum

The one symbol you ARE worried about representing Tennessee is the new state logo. — Jamie Yost

Your prayer chain had a request that 1212 would go condo. — Trent Hanner

You use “the Hair World on Gallatin Road” as a landmark to mess with East Nashville tourists. — Jim Reding

You missed Steven Tyler at The Bluebird but saw him buying Tofutti Cuties at Whole Foods. — Laurel Green

You think the state book should be The Mayo Clinic Diabetes Diet instead of the Bible. — Matt North

You wonder when New Nashville’s hot chicken economy will experience its inevitable “day-after burn.” — Matthew Parriott

The only restaurant you are more excited you managed to get into than The Catbird Seat is Pancake Pantry. — Stéphane Braün

You unfollow the East Nashville Facebook page. — Thema

You are a cicada and emerge 17 years later to find that Bush vs. Clinton is still a thing. — John Marshall

Oh, forget it. No one’s going to get it anyway. They all moved here last month. — Joe Pagetta

You’re squeezing produce in the background of a Beastie Boys music video. — Drew Maynard

You want Rankin/Bass Productions to take back their Nathan Bedford Forrest statue on I-65. —Matt North

Music Row is history. — Ken Lass

You now sell your three-minute Fiverr logos to the state of Tennessee for $46,000 a pop. — Steve Phillips

Your bee allergy prevents you from honky-tonking. — Dan Kuninsky

You had to skip The Rolling Stones concert because it was a church night. — Liz Bourner Laney

You keep telling yourself your condo near the intersection of Old Hickory and Nolensville Road is in Brentwood. — Bentwood

You wonder what submission virtually identical to yours will win this year. — Brady Mills

You fear it’s inevitable that next year’s issue will be called “You are So Atlanta If ... “ — Mike Dorr

You leave town before having to count all of the fucking YASNI entries. — Steve Cavendish

#MayoralChatter

You think that Charles Robert Bone might be a questionable name for a new mayor, but Chuck R. Bone and the Rippers would be a great name for his new alt-rock-country band. — Julio LaPeppercorn

You have been offered the job of deputy mayor by Bill Freeman. — Nashville Dave

Howard Gentry has convinced you to move to Bordeaux. After all, who wouldn’t want to live in wine country? — Stacy Harris

Your phone contact lists includes one celebrity and two mayoral candidates. — Huck Muldowney

You can’t find “Votin’ for Bone” on iTunes. — Michael Williams

You mistook a ballot of mayoral candidates for a list of new restaurants opening. — Mike Dorr

Your smartest campaign move was getting your face on a garbage truck. — Frank Blacke

The first time you tuned in to watch a mayoral debate you briefly mistook it for the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. — Jay Yancey

Bill Freeman purchased the right to put his logo on your forehead. — Nashville Dave

There are at most three degrees of separation between you and every mayoral candidate. — Page Forrest

You’re so Nashville if you’ve told someone you live in Williamson County just so you don’t have to take their mayoral flier. — Chase Stejskal

You run for mayor. — Katie Miller

As Seen on TV

You’re so upset about the Teddy Conrad debacle that you’re basing your mayoral vote solely on who is least likely to become involved in a prostitution scandal. — Jeanette DeMain

You tried to send flowers to Deacon’s hospital room. — Karen Rolen

You hope Nashville’s ratings will soon surpass Nashville recap’s page views. — Stacy Harris

Charles Esten showed up at your kid’s T-ball game for no reason and started singing. — Zack Bennett

You got tested to see if your liver was a match for Deacon Claybourne. — Donna

Robert Altman’s Nashville brought you to town, but ABC’s Nashville forced you out. — Steve Phillips

You’d donate your liver in exchange for wrapping up this storyline and moving on already. — Meredith Hunter

Listeria Hysteria

You started the gourmet ice-cream black market on Craigslist. — Bryan Voss

“Listeria” is the cause of your depression. — Andy Giardina

You don’t give a #&%$ if Jeni’s ice cream kills you — John Marshall

You’re now an expert on the life-cycle and growth conditions of Listeria monocytogenes. — Bryan Voss

Your cholesterol level magically normalized during the listeria scare. — Bryan Voss

Past Winners

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. — Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. — Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” — Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. — Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” — Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. — Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. — Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. — Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. — Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. — Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. — Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. — Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. — Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. — Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. — Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. — Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. — Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. — Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. — Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. — David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. — Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct the Real Housewives of Nashville. — Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. — Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to eleven, but not to Belle Meade. — Zack Bennett

Email editor@nashvillescene.com

Illustration: Tim Cook (tim-cook.com)