



07.12.01\\Wow \\



It's been a long trip, but I finally have access to update the site again. I have to put up all the Ugo stuff. In the meantime I HIGHLY recommend you check out THIS site.



gfunk





03.18.01\\Are we back?!? www.whataspotmedia.com\\



Ahhhhh! How did I do this for so long. It's another web and graphic design page that sucks. I'll start at the begining. The fading into the page is nice(not really) and their animated gifs and beautiful enter button are enought to make you cry. I'm not exactly sure what that yellow squiggly line is, but it reminds me of the time I pissed on my computer during one of my previous reviews. What a great mouseover on the enter gif. Just as I thought, Frontpage 4. What a great fucking web design company. I dared to venture further and I decited that this page must have been done by the Microsoftkid (asshole). I tried to click on one of their links on the left frame only to find that you have to guess where to click. I guess it would be fine if I were blind, but just confusing for those of us with sight. On their "Featured Services" there is a background image that looks like poop under a microscope (not that I have ever looked at poop under a microscope, but if I did I think it would look like that). Then I click a little above the "Samples" (I'm not linking any of their pages because they are using frames...idiots) like only to find they have examples of their great work that seems to bring everyone "99% of their business". Their first site www.Freedom-timeandmoney.com doesn't seem to be up (actually they just linked it wrong) along with www.soonloves.com (This one actually is down). Two of the other sites (Walkerlandscape.com and austodonation-usa.com) don't even look like the screen shots they show. All of the sites that they do are done in frontpage. I can't take this anymore. Their title of their framed page is "New Page 1"!! What fucking idiots. Here is the e-mail I sent to info@whataspotmedia.com:

I don't understand how you can even call yourself a web design company. Don't you have to know HTML before you are really a web design company? Any dumb bastard can make a site using Frontpage (as proven by your work). Please take your site down as it is a disgrace to the internet.



j0hn

www.uglyinternet.com You can e-mail them or call them at 909-978-2380 ext 8625 if you feel like some real immature fun (I'm not sure if that is still them, but it's fun anyway).

--j0hn--





03.17.01\\We Suck... Right at 2 1/2 months with out a post. We suck...wait, no, gfunk sucks



Actually, I really feel sorry for you poor bastards who stumble across this site through search engines while looking for "UGLY women naked with dog" and "i hate being ugly". I even feel sorry for the dumbass who did a search for "ugly.com". Maybe one day we will start updating...probably not.

--j0hn--





01.02.01\\Bad Time For Good Ideas This is the begining of the end for Net Zero and Wingspan. They won't make through the year.

ha and haha --gfunk--





12.19.00\\Fuck You

I was only going to post one word posts, but all of you fuckers who want to insist that we are dead can kiss my ass. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but if we say that we are not dead then we are not. I will admit that we are extremely lazy and I know that we have not updated in over a month and a half, but that doesn't have to mean that we are dead. I don't understand why you all are being such assholes. It's not like we give a shit what you think anyway. Also, the Frech are assholes.



We fixed the Shirt link.

--j0hn--





12.18.00\\hmmmm

Well...

--j0hn--





12.14.00\\Hold on...

NOT DEAD YET

--gfunk--





11.02.00\\Stupid French Got this in the other day from that French guy who's shitty site I reviewed. I will post more on the situation later, including their weak-ass attempt to mail bomb me and my rebuttal to this retarded email.

From: DOUG LE TOUGH

Date: Thursday, October 19, 2000 3:28 PM

To: gfunk@uglyinternet.com

subject: 10.17.00\\You Smell!

-*-*-*-*-* SORRY FOR MY BAD ENGLISH *-*-*-*-*-*



French Assholes speaks to American Asshole,



I'm really glad to see that my website DO NOT please you !!!! Effectively I thing and i'm not alone (many Americans do, not you ? U must be the last asshole of America ! ) that Mickey Mouse is a BIG SHIT (even my mother can do better one !) !!!! Now, let me tell U something : Remember that i'm not a fucking studdent that spent all is time behind his monitor when is not sucking is father, My job take me many time and for this reason my site is not as beautiful as you would like it to be. And if you haven't understood a word in my pages it's maybe because it's written in french and if U look a bit better than U've done it last time, U'll we see that i'm affiliate with a french webmater club that love to see french sites on the web for french people ( if they're a bit cleverer than stupid guy like you, if not they could keep theyre way off ) Just some questions : - Where are your flash animations ? - Is it harder to make it or harder to blame it ? [ Your beautifull tables make me smile ;-) ]

I JUST WANT, BY THIS MAIL, MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ALL WEBMASTERS (FRENCH OR OTHERS) CAN'T HAVE THE SAME KNOWLEDGE ABOUT WEBMASTERING.

This is a french proverb : " Les gouts et les couleurs ne se discutent pas." TRANSLATE AND MEDITATE !!!!!!

haha. it's pretty funny no? More to come tonight.

--gfunk--





10.17.00\\You Smell! doug.letough.free.fr\\



There's one thing that pisses me off more than an ugly webpage - an ugly webpage in a language I can't understand. Especially when the offending language is French.

Well Frenchie, allow me to offend. Your site sucks. Your main logo has a ...dog? designed in flash with the dual logos "Victory For Winners" and "Child Of Freedom". It's like a nightmare cross between a Nike and a Harley Davidson page. "Victory For Winners" - for your sake, I hope this is one of those phrases that actually means something in French.

The rest of the site is a big (and I mean big - the links on the left frame are friggin gigantic) mess of bad French Flash.

French Flash...haha. that sounds funny.

Since I don't read worthless languages, the majority of the site is a wash to me, however, using my superior "American" detective skills, it seems to me that it focuses around your (in)ability to design cartoons and graphics? Either way it's not important, as your site is stinky. The most disturbing thing I found about the site is the link on the main page that features an American flag with a skull and cross-bones over it. I can only assume that you are inferring that our country is comprised of bad-asses, and not something negative(especially seeing as your grandfather and all his friends spent their lives slaving away to make the Statue Of Liberty to kiss our asses).

Nope, after clicking on the link, I found this phrase Alors pour en finir avec Big-Brother, rejoignez l'Anti-American Staff ! which (thanks to babelfish) translates to Then to finish some with Big-Brother, join Anti-American Staff!. Hmm. upon translating the whole paragraph, I got this:

You have some to see enough that only the States Unis of America control the world with the nose and the beard of the O.N.U? To see the cultural differences enough reducing itself day in day with the profit of a pseudo culture where the car with more value than the love? Enough of knowing that the American secret service does listen to the whole of your communications thanks to its network " Level " based in England? Enough what your children you reclament of " Mac-C " to small the dejeuner, of the signed sillinesses Walt Disney Sunday, of the Coke with table? To see the population enough abrutir itself in front of tele programs less and less enriching? To see enough that one more and more deeply probes your practices in order to better target the next one produced ŕ.la.mode? Then to finish some with Big-Brother, join Anti-American Staff!

Oh really? Coke with table huh? Pseudo culture? car with more value than the love? teleprograms less enriching?

I can stand a lot, but unfounded statements like the signed silliness of Walt Disney Sunday was taking it one step too far. Our Mickey Mouse is more important to the world than your entire country - and you know it. No one, and I mean NO ONE, attacks Mickey Fucking Mouse and gets away with it! I encourage all red-blooded Americans and lovers of Mickey Mouse world-wide to email this asshole and let him know what you think about his anti-American, anti-television, anti nose and beard(we love our beards!) opinions! God Bless America, and God help a world without world leading Icons like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!

--gfunk--





10.17.00\\We live! The rumours of our death have been greatly exagerated. We are back. There will be a review posted tonight. You've been warned...





10.08.00\\Oh how you hate us Judging by all the hate mail I've recieved lately that says "Why the FUCK don't you update?!" I'm guessing you guys have missed us these last few days. Why haven't we updated in almost a week? I'm gonna lay the blame on Frank(friend of UI). You see, he's the bastard who said, "Hey guys wouldn't it be fun to dust off our players handboooks and play some D&D;?" That was a week ago, and today is the first time that I have seen the sun. The last week has been a whirlwind of beating people with chamber pots, getting into rock wars with children, halfling bards flipping off armies, and getting into screaming matches with stingy inn keepers cause they refuse to take responsiblity for the ghouls roaming their campgrounds(I'm still pissed about this one).

Whoa. How much fun is this shit! I haven't even thought about a video game in a week! I didn't think that that was possible! Hell, I barely even got on my computer(as evidenced by our lack of updating). If my wife wasn't playing with us, she probably would have left me(and I might leave her is she doesn't stop picking fights with armies).

Anyway, long story short, I realize that I have a problem, and am going to try to cut my D&D; time down to 3 nights a week. We shall see.

Oh, by the way. Bla-bla has created a webstore. You can by UI merchandise through it as well as through us now. The uspide is that they take credit cards, the downside is that it's a little more expensive.

--gfunk--





10.02.00\\Site or Shirt I'm really not sure if we review sites anymore. Especially myself. I have not posted in over 3 weeks. Well, much to everyone's surprise, I'm not posting a review tonight. However, we do have a more sophisticated way to order a shirt. Now instead of e-mailing us, you can fill out a form that e-mails us. (Unfortunately, none of us even had a clue what e-commerce is). This is good enough though. Here are a few bad sites to look at in the meantime:

Bill has no idea how to even name his files correctly. Check out his gifs (I like

this one best...damn vegetarian)

If your a big fan of Emergency! you like this. (No, I have no clue what the hell

that is.)

I'm pretty sure we could review any of these guys sites. Why would anyone try

to run a web design company off of a personal site?

This guy is just pathetic.



I would also post some more information on the bla-bla merchandise, but it seems that their site is down or their servers are slow as shit (big fucking surprise). We will update you on that when we can look at it again. For now, just buy our shirt.

--j0hn--





09.30.00\\retro Saturday Go ahead and laugh. I didn't update yesterday. I suck. I broke my promise. I'm ugly. etc etc etc.

Anyway, since I am a very busy man, and don't have any real content today, I will highlight one of my favorite reviews from our past.

Critics called it our shallowest and cruelest moment. Fans called it our best. I'm referring of course to our review of the Microsoft kid. Read it again. Laugh, cry, hate us.

--gfunk--





09.28.00\\bitch bitch rant/site updates? I was looking through our rant submissions tonight and realized that we missed about 10 of them(dating back to the 3rd of the month) so i posted them all. Look at them here. Read them, they are...interesting.

I have come to the conclusion that our readers are very...angry. Especially at important subjects like toothpaste, internet dating, email etc.

We're going to be selling merchandise through bla-bla as well as through us directly. This means you will now have the option to send us well concealed cash for a cheap shirt, or order your shirt through bla-bla with a credit card for about $3 more. Either way we still won't make a profit, so whichever will be easier/better for you.

j0hn should be putting up all the order forms tonight or tomorrow. in the meantime, order one by emailing shirts@uglyinternet.com

I've also decided to make an images section, as we are accumulating a lot of pics of dingos and dogs wearing uglyinternet.com shirts. it should be up tomorrow as well. Goodnight

--gfunk--





09.28.00\\Windows Paint is fun! Since we've been getting many hits from people hitting the site from Penny Arcade lately and since there is no new comic on Thursday, I've decided to come to everyone's rescue. Submitted for your approval, I present the very first Nickeloden©. I'm sorry, my allergies are preventing me from being very funny right now.

--guS--





09.27.00\\Stairway to Hell http://members.nbci.com/eagleweb\\



Believe it or not, this is not a personal site. Don't you love people who run business websites on free webspace? I think that's twice as cool when it's a web design company that does it. I present to you "Eagle Web Creations." Viewing this web page is much like watching the Czech Republic trying to compete in the Olympics. They are totally outclassed and have no hope...and have no clue. First of all the page has an embedded midi file that I could not stop (it's a painful rendition of Stairway to Heaven). Second of all it was obviously made in Front Page; third, the creator removed the generator tag from the html. Not to mention the fact that the banner that runs across the page is so 1996. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that one of the frames actually has the generator tag...Front Page Express 2.0. This page is definitely 1996. The hands down saddest part of this page is the Pricing page. This idiot makes websites and charges even bigger idiots $499. No, not five dollars, but nearly five hundred. This is an even bigger rip off than that time I bought the Brazilian fighting monkey! I mean come on, I could at least give the monkey a typewriter and hope for Shakespeare. I couldn't even hope for two lines of decent html out of Eagle Web Creations. I take it back, the saddest part of this page is the Portfolio. I will not be able to sleep tonight knowing that this jackass has actually charged people for his services in the past. Please make sure to email these dimwits and let them know that they shouldn't be in "cyberspace." If you'll be so kind to excuse me, I'm going to close my browser and clear my cache now. Long live good internet.

--guS--





09.27.00\\Dog Days of Summer Summer's over, but the dogs are here. It appears that the original uglyinternet shirt model is not dead after all...just disgruntled (who can blame him? someone took his uglyinternet shirt away!). picture 1, and picture 2. Okay, I have no wit tonight, so no funny comments.

--guS--







09.27.00\\There once was a man from Nantucket... Just saw that the Spark is having a poetry contest. They're giving away $500 to the winner, so I entered. I figure that someone with my

literary background(I took a creative writing class once) is a shoe-in. Here's my poem:

Dirty Teen Skank



dirty teen skank

why must you torment my wank?



you make me hate you

make me want to fellate you



your breasts are so fine

but their touched all the time



by every redneck and jock

every popular cock



except mine



you broke my fucking heart.



If er..when I win, I will use the earnings to make t-shirts and stickers! I will then give them ALL away on the site, so you better go over to the Spark and tell them how much the poem rocks.

--gfunk--





09.27.00\\Tycho?...Polo! Penny Arcade said some nice stuff about us this morning.

Tycho was one of the few, the proud, the damned enough to recieve one of our new uglyinternet.com "sexy" t-shirts. He also pointed out that he recieved a rather "special" My Little Pony (SkyDancer to be exact) from us as well, and I hope he wasn't making fun of it, because that beautiful pony came from my personal collection and was VERY dear to me(ohhh...SkyDancer....so sexxxy).

Anyway, it looks like he's coined a new phrase "drawing off frothy mugs of stupendous loathing." Do I hear "new T-shirt?"

--gfunk--





09.26.00\\Tramampoline! Tramamamampoline! Gus got this email from a concerned Czeck reader the other day:

From: matejckova@********

To: gus@uglyinternet.com

Subject: [iso-8859-2] Czech Republic and the Olympics



Hi Gus,

A friend of mine gave me a link to your website. And what did I find here?

8Apart from other quite interesting stuff there was a comment about the

"mythical" Czech Republic. Well, we are indeed a small country, but it is not a

reason for saying we can't be good, for instance at Olympics. I reckon you have

not seen our cayakist Stepanka Hilgertova win two medals in one day! So far, we

have gained one gold and three bronze medals! You see, it is all not in the

size.



As for the ugly pages, I visited the website of the before-mentioned Radio

Decin and must say that it IS ugly, leave alone the program ;o/



Regards,

Lenka,br.



Good point Lenka. Your country has won 2 Gold, 1 Silver and 3 Bronze medals. And no one can take that away from you. Except for America baby - cause we've won 26 Gold, 15 Silver and 23 Bronze medals.

Ouch. Why do the other countries even compete anymore? BTW, I think the proudest moment in Olympic history came the other day when the medals were handed out for the first ever Trampoline competition. What a proud and uplifting moment for all(and really, really gay to boot).

--gfunk--





09.25.00\\Now this is more like it It seems that everyone's favorite uglyinternet faithful "taps" has done it again. I'm assuming that he was inspired to act by the recent postings of our old friend mcoker. Click on the images to see larger versions of his dog "nugget" getting happy in an uglyinternet.com t-shirt, and a rather patriotic pic, displaying the true importance of uglyinternet(look closely or you might miss it). That's right baby. We're right up there with the flag - where we should be.

This recent influx of photos displaying our support from the canine community has me strangely excited! Anyone can have some slutty chick get naked and write the name of their webpage on her sexy big toe, but how many sites get hot, steamy puppy action? Let's keep it up! I wanna see some cats in there too, and maybe a parakeet.

That being said, I will give a shirt away to any chick that agrees to wear it and ONLY IT in an alluring photo for the site!

--gfunk--





09.24.00\\...is this thing on? It's Sunday night, no one has updated in 4 days, and I don't really feel like updating myself...but I'm trying to build up enough courage to go back to my Dreamcast and take on the giants in week 10. Pro level is too fucking hard for me and I know I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me. Oh well, until I can work up the courage to face my fears, I guess I should do something with this site.

My best friend called me tonight to give me a suggestion. He said, "You know, I had a great idea for uglyinternet today. You could review bad websites!"

Point taken.

I don't know why we've been so shitty at updating lately. maybe because it's been 110 degrees for the last month and we're all too fucking tired and exhausted from walking to the mailbox and back to muss up the strength to do one (did I actually just say "muss"?). Or maybe we just don't have the stomach to look at ugly websites anymore. Truth be told, I've been kind of taking a much needed break from the internet lately.

Whatever the reason is, I guess we owe it to ourselves, my bank account(I did sink $70 into the damn domain) and whatever reader-base that has stuck with us through sporadic updating, to provide some content.

So I will promise this. I will make it my goal to "attempt" to update the site in some fashion every single day. I don't know if I can even come close to accomplishing this goal, but now that I've said it, I have to try(and if I can't do it, at least you can laugh at me). Maybe guS and j0hn will do the same - who knows?

Regardless, there will probably be some changes or expansion in the range of our content soon, as I am really feeling trapped by only being able to review ugly websites when there is so much more ugly shit that exists in this universe. In the meantime, here is an utterly worthless and stupid website to make fun of. When you're done laughing at that one, you can check out the equally reprehensible and useless Digital Hogwarts

--gfunk--





09.20.00\\Foreigner email Earlier today upon checking my email I found a very strange message waiting for me. After putting the message through babelfish, I was able to decipher this much:

Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 21:08:51 +0200

From: Jan Masojidek <masojidek@*********.cz>

To: gus@uglyinternet.com



hi,

about this shit radidecin.cz

well, .cz menas Czech republic whitch is situated in the middle of evrope. Decin is city. my city where i live. Yess, agreed this is shity pages, and also tha radio itself is horible. Lot of youg people hate it, but there is nothing to do with that. but not every page is shity like that :)) bye Maso (meat :)

And here I thought cz stood for "stupid foreign country." I'm blushing. I didn't even know that people in the middle of Europe even had electricity, let alone computers (aside from the Germans though...they probably bullied some other country into giving them all of their computers and electricities). Personally I think this is a fake email. I've been watching the Olympics lately and I don't think I've seen anyone from this mythical Czech republic win a medal. I'll investigate and find out what's going on here. Long live good internet.

--guS--







09.20.00\\Reader Submissions I'm happy to post that a very creative reader of UI has submitted pictures of his authentic uglyinternet shirt in action. Images can be found here and here. While I normally don't condone violence against animals, this guy definitely has dedication! Looks like he killed a bulldog just to get our shirt on it (I hope he doesn't wear it anymore (I hope he doesn't try to get a refund)). I wonder if he's got rabies now...Anyway, if you all have any pictures of uglyinternet shirts you'd like us to post, just email us.

--guS--







09.19.00\\I got your dwarf right here! It seems the folks at the popular I Am Happy Blue did a little review of us(to be fair, I think I did submit UI for something or other on their site). Their review is here at the bottom of the page.

It was one of the better reviews on the page(they obviously recognize talent), and mostly complimentary, but the thing I can't figure out is where they got the impression that we are dwarves from Michigan. None of us have ever even BEEN to Michigan, and we're certainly not dwarves(except for maybe poop). Their inability to read our "dwarfish" language (ie. English) also confuses me, but oh well, not everyone is as fucking genius as us. Michigan dwarf confusion aside, it's nice to get recognized as a "pretty" site, although I was dismayed to see the "not so positive" review of halfinchlimp which is even hosted by them. Hmmm....makes you wonder.

--gfunk--





09.18.00\\The moment you've all been waiting for... That's right boys and girls, it's time. As of this exact moment(11:15pm CST) official uglyinternet.com t-shirts are available! I know you've been waiting for a long time, and that many of you have been weak and bought the cheap uglyinternet.com rip-off shirts at the flea market(or in some 3rd world countries like Idaho, but suffer no more.

For only $8 (outside the US please email shirts@uglyinternet.com for pricing) you too can be like many of the superstars you see on TV. It's already a well established fact - uglyinternet.com shirt = sex.

So don't delay, have sex today(ie. buy a fucking t-shirt).

--gfunk--

p.s. I guess I didn't exactly tell you how to buy a shirt did I? Just email us for now until we build some kind of cgi form for it.





09.18.00\\Return of Lance I feel bad about archiving this picture so I had to bring it back out to the main page. This is the uber-sexy Lance in his beautiful (but hard to see) uglyinternet.com shirt. Go get `em tiger!

--guS--





09.18.00\\Reader Feedback I got this email and was very sad that I didn't make this observation. Thank goodness Nathan caught it.

Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 23:43:15 -0300

From: Nathan Leonard <nleonard@********>

To: "'gus@uglyinternet.com'" <gus@uglyinternet.com>

Subject: RE:09.17.00\\Stupid Foreigners



Although I can't decipher what those foreigners are trying to say...... I'd like to point out down at the very bottom of the page it reads: "Doporučené nastavení rozlišení monitoru: 800 x 600" which I can only assume means that the page is best viewed at an 800x600 resolution... Just one more reason to tighten this country's immigration policies. Melting pot my ass... I'm not sharing my pot with no 800 x 600 resolution-using foreigners. Just thought I'd share.

--guS--





09.17.00\\Stupid Foreigners www.radiodecin.cz\\



When I first read this viewer submission I thought there surely had to have been a typo. .cz? What the fuck is that? On a hunch I went to the site anyway...and was very sorry for having done it. Apparently this is the official website for some radio station supposedly at 91.6 FM. Against my better judgment I decided to try and tune in the station. Static. There's nothing there! Can you believe that these people designed a site for a station that doesn't exist? I guess that explains all the nonsensical words and typos on the webpage (kontakt?). This site is hands down the most confusing site ever submitted to UI. I know a foreigner so I called him and asked him to visit the site (I think he's from Nebraska) to see if he could make any sense of it. He muttered something incoherent about corn and started talking about the option so I hung up on him. If there are any foreigners out there who can understand this gibberish, please let me know what this page says. Or as they would say in your country:

"If yu kan reed paige pleeze be telling mee."

I'll bet you all didn't know I was so versed in foreigner. Does anyone wonder why they like purple and green so much? They also like to put those little symbols on top of letters at random. In the words of j0hn, "What the fuck? I threw up when I saw it." Long live good internet.

--guS--





09.17.00\\Where's OUR naked women?! Okay, so I'm looking browsing through the webcams on stile & Violet's Electralux this morning and I got to thinking, where are all our naked women? Gus created a new contest the other day, and NO ONE has submitted an entries?!

Why don't we have any hot women like Meenk or Nicci or Aimee or Camilla(I could go on, the list is fucking endless) gettin all sexy for us? Shit, it can't be cause we aren't funny enough - cause God knows I am a funny man(wacka wacka zing!). I make myself laugh harder than anyone else could. Shit. It also can't be because we aren't sexy enough, cause my mom says I'm a very attractive young man. So what is it? Why don't we have sexy cam girls, and or beautiful women sending in pics of themselves with uglyinternet.com written on their elbows and knees and stuff? I want to know!

--gfunk--





