THOUGHT OF THE DAY I think I could turn and live with animals... They do not sweat and whine about their condition; they do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins; not one is dissatisfied; not one is demented with the mania of owning things. Walt Whitman (American poet 1819-1892) Advertisement

Dear Bel

I would like your thoughts before pursuing assisted dying. Some 18 months ago my boyfriend of 13 years (friends for 14 years before this) left me — suddenly. I adored him and cannot cope with the loss.

I’m 57 and lost my parents a few years ago. I met Peter at work and we found the passion, fun and affection that was missing in our respective marriages.

Peter moved in with me for a while, before buying a house on his own. He’s always hated commitment, so I was careful not to suggest living together. I bought a cottage in his village.

The relationship was never straightforward. I suffer from anxiety and miss my parents enormously; Peter doesn’t like people to be ‘clinging or dependent’ and is evasive. We both suffered financially in the recession. Peter’s children refused to accept me and he wouldn’t address this.

Despite all my efforts, I can no longer go on without him, writes JANE. There’s a gaping hole in my life: all light, warmth and hope have gone

Despite difficulties (he’d rarely acknowledge me as his girlfriend, and would sometimes not get in touch for days or weeks) we had many good times together.

One morning we went shopping together for our coming holiday. That afternoon he told me it was over: he’d wanted to tell me for ‘several years’, intended to date other women and didn’t like my ‘negativity’.

Today, I remain grief-stricken and shocked. Antidepressants helped for a while, but I’m not depressed, I’m heart-broken.

He calls around from time to time — I’m aware of girlfriends and he seems to think we can still be friends, but that’s impossible. At my age I won’t find anyone else, nor do I want to.

I am thankful for many things. I have a work contract with a lovely charity, loyal friends who have supported me with much love, and a re-established relationship with my estranged sister and her family.

I’m accepted for Samaritan training (although not sure I can cope with it yet), became an Official Prison Visitor, write to people on death row, and do voice-overs for blind people for a local magazine. I have many interests as well.

Despite all my efforts, I can no longer go on without him. There’s a gaping hole in my life: all light, warmth and hope have gone.

So I’ve been investigating outfits such as Dignitas and believe I can get them to help me. I think I can get a medical professional to certify that I am suffering from depression.

Intellectually I know this is probably wrong, and my late parents would be so disappointed in me. I talk to them every night, miss them so much, and would love to be with them now.

The life I hoped for with my much-loved Peter is gone for ever and I am entirely alone — terrified of the future, exhausted with crying and desolation. Do you have thoughts before I pursue this action?

Jane

How I wish I could meet you and tell you quietly what I think privately. Somehow I must summon the words to convince you that life — not just any life, but YOUR life — is beyond price.

By now, you will have had a proper letter from me. But what I’d really like to do is grip you by the arms, look you in the eyes and tell you, simply, that the world urgently needs you to live. You have to believe me.

The end of a long relationship is like a death: no surprise you are still grieving after 18 months. The sudden brutality of loss makes a mockery of the sweetest memories, since you were forced to confront the cruel truth about the man you loved so much.

It surely makes matters worse that you live nearby; better never to see him again than to endure his visits, hear about his dates.

Jilted women tell me they think widows suffer less than the heartbroken ones whose once-beloved men have turned into torturers. It’s probably true.

I’m sure loyal friends have reminded you that this relationship was very far from perfect — as you admit. Few people could have put up with Peter’s lack of commitment and carelessness. Did he care at all how you felt?

It worries me that, with the passage of time, you are choosing to recall the good times and forgetting the nights you spent alone, wondering where he was. Or the times you were out with him and he failed to introduce you as his partner. You must have been so hurt and humiliated. Can you forgive him?

Yet you think of suicide — due to one man who wounded you so badly.

You would call time on the sight of flowers in spring, the sound of birds preparing to nest, the taste of warm tomatoes with fragrant basil, the smell of ground coffee and fresh bread, the sensation of warm sand beneath the feet or velvet on fingertips? You would shock and wound family and friends. You would voluntarily relinquish your one precious life for the sake of such a flawed, weak, dishonest human being — when each day the proofs come in of how much the world needs you?

O h no, no, no. I’d bet my whole house that you are needed far more than pathetic old Peter, who doesn’t do anything very well — except inflict pain on you.

You tell me you want to die, and yet have listed all the things that make you grateful.

In your darkest time you have signed up to help people. You consider ending your own life yet have been approved by the Samaritans (who, as I’m sure you know, you can contact at any time by calling 116 123 or visiting samaritans.org).

You say ‘all, light, warmth and hope’ have gone from your life —when that is clearly not the case, since you are already bringing ‘life, warmth and hope’ to others, some of whom you have never met.

Jane, you sound like a wonderful person whom anybody would want to have as a friend. What am I to make of this conundrum?

I believe it would be a sin and a crime for ‘a medical professional’ to sign you off as depressed (even if you are — and I sincerely hope you are — receiving proper treatment) to help you go to Dignitas.

It is wrong, wrong, wrong — because I just do not believe you will feel this way in a year’s time. You have no idea whether or not you will meet anybody else, nor whether your business will grow, nor whether you will decide to change the colour of your hair, nor whether it will rain on February 14.

Put your hand on your heart now. Feel it beating. That is all you can know — and the more you think about it, the more precious it will seem. Ask your parents tonight. They will tell you that I’m right and instruct you to return to life for their sakes and applaud me when I tell you. Stay with us.

Please be brave. Please stay.

Before I got pregnant, I was treated for depression and panic attacks for years, writes Alyson

As a new mum, I fear going back to work

Dear Bel

Before I got pregnant, I was treated for depression and panic attacks for years.

I think the root cause was that I focused too much on my own life and spent far too much time judging myself.

I’m 31, and since having my baby six months ago I’ve been overcome with purpose and happiness.

My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and every day that passes makes me feel so different to my past worries.

My wonderful fiance of six years has always been here for me and is so happy to see me come away from the darkness and depression.

My job is in our family business, which I’ve no interest in taking over.

The problem: my maternity leave is up, but I don’t want to go back. I’ve recently become panicky about this, as I was never happy at work and love being at home with my child.

Unfortunately, with our wedding only eight months away, we need the extra income. My fiance has promised that after the ceremony, if I am still unhappy working, he will support us both.

How can I help myself and stop the panic attacks when I think of work?

I am seeing a counsellor but would be grateful for extra help and advice.

My lovely baby will be going to my cousin while I am at work (we are not particularly close, but she offered to help out). Unfortunately, I feel like someone is going to take her away from me.

Alyson

Many women find it hard to leave their babies, even without a history of depression. How heartwarming to learn how this wee girl has transformed your life.

It’s good that you are still receiving counselling for panic attacks; my instinct says it would be unwise to stop the sessions. It would be tragic if you slipped back into depression, when your new roles of mother and wife-to-be are bringing so much happiness. I worry that your tendency to judge yourself will be made worse by guilt at working.

I suspect you’re only going back to help pay for the cost of your forthcoming wedding. You took maternity leave from the family firm, so the moral obligation is also there, but for how long?

I’m worried you feel additional pressure to earn money at this point. Your wonderful fiance has already said he can support you to stay at home with your baby after you marry. My question is: why not sooner?

You say you ‘need the extra income’. This is understandable, but is it unavoidable? Are you planning a big wedding? If so, wouldn’t it be sensible to scale it back in order to stay at home, as you yearn to?

If you knew you need only work for a few months, you’d feel much less stressed at leaving your baby with your cousin.

So often we human beings lock ourselves into prisons of our own making. Perhaps a couple plans a fancy wedding needing two incomes to fund it — therefore a young mum who hates work and adores her baby forces herself towards the former and away from the latter.

Why? I think you and your fiance should have a serious talk about options and consider changing your plans — for the sake of your health.

In the meantime, in between sessions with your therapist, make sure you do breathing exercises morning and evening, whether or not you feel anxious. Look at drweil.com for useful relaxation tips. Put a picture of your baby and your man in a pretty locket and wear it every day, holding it tightly whenever you feel upset in work, and saying firmly: ‘It will be all right because we all love each other.’

These are just two little tricks to help during the time away from your baby girl.

And finally... Enduring tale of boy meets girl

There I was, in the British Museum yet again, feeling lucky that this amazing place is our heritage.

I saw the exhibition Egypt: Faith After The Pharaohs (on for one more week) — and found something that made me think about this column.

The exhibition introduces us to an intermingling of cultures over 12 centuries, as Jews, Christians and Muslims lived side by side in one land.

The objects on display tell a fascinating, complex story of peaceful coexistence, but also intermittent tension and violence between Jews, Christians and Muslims. Not much change there.

Most of all I love the small things that move the heart: a child’s tunic, a toy, a small statue of a mother and child, a lamp, a pair of curtains.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Advertisement

Political regimes may change and religions cause chaos, but throughout history mothers will cuddle their children, making sure they are clothed and the lamps are lit in the evening.

People will also fall in love, often hopelessly. The item I spotted among the wonders was a fragment of parchment with a spell written on it.

Even when Christianity was the state religion (around AD 400), people turned to old methods of magic. So they would write out spells and leave them in cemeteries, asking for help with their problems. No wonder this interests me!

This particular spell/prayer was put in a pot with a little wax model of two figures in a passionate embrace. Oh, wishful thinking!

It’s written by Theon, who begs the dead to make a girl called Euphemia ‘burn with love’ for him. He even names her mother, Dorothea — maybe so the spirits don’t go to work on the wrong girl.

Lovelorn Theon promises that if they help him to get lucky, he will ask the old god Osiris to make sure they’re not thirsty and find rest.