Ever since former test captain Steve Smith and forever dickhead David Warner were suspended from all forms of cricket after their ball-tampering saga, Australian cricket has seen an embarrassing drop in standards of the team. Losing to the Indian team for the first time on home soil, having a bowler be the teams best batsman and getting cut up by a keeper may just be the highlights of the summer.

Recent test performances have resulted in the assumption that Australia couldn’t hit a basketball off the side of a fucking farmhouse, fans are calling for a total shake-up of the test team.

Two men who have been consistently brought up have been Glenn Maxwell and Joe Burns. While a logical fan would suspect that strong performances in the Sheffield Shield and prior experience in the test squad would lead to them being selected to an utterly useless team, the selectors rather find themselves unable to bring themselves to making the right choice.

Fed up with constantly being looked over, Maxwell and Burns today announced that they were legally changing their surnames to Marsh.

“I mean shit. If being a talented all-rounder with a strong shield performance isn’t enough, then perhaps being a fucking Marsh brother might actually get us some respect”.

Joe Burns, who rather than being selected to fill a clear whole in the squad, is being forced to watch a shit middle-order batsman be an even more shit opener. Meanwhile, Maxwell has seen himself be pushed aside by a guy whose name is longer than a Mitch Marsh innings.

Upon hearing the news, Rod Marsh filed for adoption papers and immediately took back everything bad he had ever said about the two, In response, the Marsh brothers along with Khawaja, kidnapped Greg Chappel and are currently holding him captive until they are sure they will still be in the squad.