Compilation of jokes, pick-up lines, humorous statements uttered by Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago during her previous speeches.

RANDOM JOKES





Anong blood type ang pwedeng motto? B-positive.





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Matalinong babae + Matalinong lalaki = Romance

Matalinong lalaki + Bobong babae = Affair

Matalinong babae + Bobong lalaki = Kasal

Bobong lalaki + Bobong babae = Sexually Transmitted Disease





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Gusto mo bang trabaho?

►Meron sa PLDT, 10,000 pesos per day. Ikaw yung dialtone.

►Meron sa DPWH, 10, 000 pesos per day. Ikaw yung speedbump.

►Meron sa post office, 10,000 pesos per day. Didilaan mo lahat ng stamps.





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A young boy asked his Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?





The father said, you’re my son. Confident ako doon. Yung best friend mo sa school, anak ko rin yun. Yun ang confidential.





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Five tips for a happy man’s life





1) Have a girl to help you at work

2) Have a girl to take care of you and to love you

3) Have a girl who can make you laugh

4) Have a girl who spoils you

5) Siguraduhin na hindi magkakilala and apat na babae na yun





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In a swimming pool:





Classmate 1 – I’m sure lulutang ka

Classmate 2 – Bakit dahil payat ako?

Classmate 1 – Hindi, dahil plastic ka





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Use “anyone” in a sentence.

“Nasaan na kayo? Bakit ninyo ako anyone?”





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Ganito daw ang menu ng automated answering machine ng mental health hotline:





If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.





If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.





If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the alien mothership.





If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.





If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.





If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, credit card details, email address, and your Facebook password.





If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.





If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.





If you are a politician, please hang up. There’s no hope for you.





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Kung mangholdap ang mga sosyal, ang sinasabi:





“Holdap here, make bigay all your thingy!”

“Don’t make galaw or I’ll make tusok-tusok you!”





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Kapag may nakita kang gwapo, maganda sa isang party, kapag nilapitan mo siya at sinabi mong mayaman ako, pakasalan mo ako, ang tawag doon ay “direct marketing”.





Kapag pinadala mo ang kaibigan mo para sabihin sa kanya na mayaman ka at gusto mo siyang pakasalan, ang tawag doon ay “advertising”.





Kapag nakuha mo ang number niya at tinawagan mo sa telepono kinabukasan para sabihing mayaman ka at gusto mo siyang pakasalan ang tawag doon ay “tele-marketing”.





And finally, pag sinabi ng isang lalaki sa isang babae na mayaman ako, pakasalan mo ako at sinampal siya ng babae, ang tawag doon ay “customer’s feedback”.





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Kung may boyfriend ka o girlfriend na gusto mong i-break after graduation, ito sabihin mo:





“Password ka ba? Kasi hindi kita kayang kalimutan pero kaya kitang palitan.”





“Summer ka ba? Kasi wala kang class.”





“Bachelors degree ka ba? Kasi tapos na ako sa iyo.”





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Teacher asks students: “Ano gusto mo (maging) paglaki mo?”





Pedro: Gusto ko tulong kapwa.

Jose: Gusto ko doktor para tulong kapwa.

Kiko: Gusto ko mayor para tulong kapwa.

Maria: Gusto lingkod kapwa.





Juan Tamad: Gusto ko ako ang kapwa.









POLITICIANS





Holdaper: Akin na ang pera mo.

Lalaki: Hindi mo ba ako kilala? Isa akong congressman!

Holdaper: ‘Kung ganun, akin na ang pera namin!





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Politics is a word that is a combination of two syllables—’poli’ meaning many, plus ‘ticks’ meaning blood-sucking parasites.





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Para isa ibang tao, ang high blood pressure nila congenital, meaning nanggaling sa magulang. Sa akin, iba naman, ang high blood pressure ko ay political.





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The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected.





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What is the difference between Philippine government and the mafia? The answer: One of them is organized.





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The brain of a Filipino politician has two sides: the left has nothing right in it, the right has nothing left in it.





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Anong tawag ‘pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot: Pollution





Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot? Sagot: Solution.





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Kapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa.





Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa na nila ang trabaho nila, magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.





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How to tell if a politician is telling the truth:





Whenever he’s crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth.

Whenever he’s stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth.

Whenever he looks at you straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth.





But when he opens his mouth, he is lying.





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There was a study on the connection between government employees and the sport they play.





Ang paborito raw sport ng entry-level government employees ay basketball. Kapag lower management position na, ang paborito raw nila ay bowling. Kapag upper management naman, paborito raw nila ay tennis. Ang paborito raw na sport ng high-level government officials is golf.





The study then made this conclusion, kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls mo.





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May 3 doktor, pinag-uusapan [nila] kung anong pasyente ang pinakamadaling operahan. Sabi ng isa: Electricians – everything inside them is color-coded.





Sabi ng pangalawang doctor: Librarians – everything inside them is in alphabetical order.





Sabi ng pangatlo, pulitiko ang pinakamadali: They have no brains. They have no guts. They have no hearts. And they have no balls.





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Top 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:





No. 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi naman talaga.

No. 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang kasya kahit puno na.





And last and the most prolific of all these liars, No.1: Pulitiko. That’s the end of the story.





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One time I met a politician and I said as a joke…





Me: Balita ko, meron ka raw kulasisi na 18 years old.

Politician: Lumang balita na yan. 28 years old na siya ngayon.





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May isang pulitiko na lumapit sa isang psychiatrist.





Ang sabi niya, “Dok, tulungan mo po ako. Tuwing nakakatanggap po ako ng pork barrel, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na nakawin ito. Nagi-guilty po ako at nade-depress nang malala at matagal dahil dito.”





Ang sabi ng psychiatrist: “Sige, tutulungan kitang magkaroon ng self-control para hindi ka na magnakaw sa taumbayan.”





Sumagot ang pulitiko: “Dok, huwag po! Gusto kong tulungan niyo ako para hindi na ako ma-guilty at ma-depress.”





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Sabi ng isang survey, 25 percent ng mga pulitiko daw ay umiinom ng medication para sa kanilang mental illness.





Malaking problema ito. Ibig sabihin 75 percent ay hindi umiinom ng gamot.









PICK-UP LINES





Can you recommend a good bank? Kasi I’m planning to save all my love for you.





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Kapag mamamatay na ako, huwag na huwag kang pupunta sa libingan ko kasi baka tumibok ulit ang puso ko.





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Miss, kutsara ka ba? Kasi palapit ka palang, napapapanganga na ako.





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Suicide, homicide, insecticide, lahat pamatay. Pero kung gusto mong pampabuhay, i-try mo ang ‘by my side.’





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Malabo na talaga ang mata ko. Pwede ba akong humingi sa iyo ng kahit konting pagtingin?





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Girl: Saan tayo magdi-date sa Valentines?

Boy: Sa sementeryo.

Girl: Bakit doon?

Boy: Para mapatunayan kong patay na patay ako sa’yo.





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Sana naka-off ang ilaw para tayo na lang mag-on.





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Nakalimutan ko ang pangalan mo eh, pwede bang tawagin na lang kitang akin?





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Ibenta mo na bahay mo, tutal nandidito ka na, nakatira sa puso ko.





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Nakalunok ka ba ng kwitis, kasi pag ngumiti ka, may spark!





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Para kang holdaper,lahat ibibigay ko huwag mo lang akong saktan.





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Tindera ka ba ng yosi? Kasi you give me hope and more…





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Galing mo din ano? Hindi mo pa ako binabato, tinamaan na ako!









RANDOM QUOTES





Kung pangit ka mahilig kang mag-selfie, sabihin mo na lang lahat ng pictures mo ay wacky.





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Kapag magse-selfie, siguraduhin mong hindi maputi ang mukha tapos maitim naman ang leeg mo. Dapat din hindi sobrang puti ang katawan tapos maitim naman ang kilikili. Tandan mo tao ka, hindi ka Zebra.





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Ang LOVE parang bayad sa dyip. Minsan nasusuklian.





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Alam niyo ba ang iba pang tawag sa Valentine’s day? Para sa malungkot na single,ang tawag dito ay Single’s Awareness Day. Para sa mga masaya na single, ang tawag dito ay Single’s Independence Day. Pero sa mga walang pakialam, ang tawag dito ay (insert day where Valentine’s day falls).





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Did you know that an earthworm has five hearts, whereas an octopus has two hearts? Kaya kung may kilala ka na nagmamahal ng higit sa dalawa, tanungin mo kung anong klaseng hayop sila.





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Kapag ikaw ay nagmamahal pero sasaktan mo rin lang naman, hamunin mo na lang ng suntukan.





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Ang taong nagmamahal nang tunay ay parang matalinong estudyante na kumukuha ng exam. Hindi siya tumitingin sa iba kahit nahihirapan na.





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Para sa mga single, umuwi nang maaga mula sa school o sa trabaho para isipin nila may date ka.





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Ang crush, parang math problem, kung hindi mo makuha, titigan mo na lang.





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Minsan may nanligaw sa akin at nagyabang, “Nasa dugo talaga namin ang pagiging guwapo.” Sumagot ako, “bakit nasa dugo lang, bakit hindi napunta ang pagiging guwapo sa mukha mo?”





Pagkatapos sinabi ko sa kanya, “Cup noodles ka ba? Gusto kasi kitang buhusan ng kumukulong tubig.”





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Gaano katalino ang mga estudyante ng (insert school here)? Common sense pa lang ninyo, IQ na ng ibang mga senador.





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When the cashier at the grocery said, “Miss, pwedeng candy na lang ang sukli ko sa iyo?” I answered “Bakit, tsokolate ba ang ibinayad ko?”





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Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako, ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.





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When someone told me “ang ganda mo”, I answered “sana ikaw rin”





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It is very important that you should choose the person you will marry and stay with that person.





There are many people now who believe in serial love, loving one person after another. I don’t think that is good for our mental health. I think we should get it over with.





Love is like measles, you know. You only get it once in your lifetime and you are immune forever. I am very happy to say that is what happened to me.





I am completely immune to any temptation. All men who have passed my life after I got married might as well have been sticks of furniture.





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I don’t ride roughshod over him. I don’t care where he goes at night, he doesn't have to call me with his itinerary. I just presume that he’s going to be loyal to his marriage vows. And I've been extremely faithful to my husband.





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Maybe if I were 20 years younger, or maybe if I am as young as Heart Evangelista, it would be endearing to kiss in public. But to do that at my age would just be disgusting.





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We never see each other….sometimes I am surprised that I married such a good looking (man) because I hardly can see him. I sort of got surprised when we see each other in the corridor. In other words, we don’t grit down each others’ neck.





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“Sir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation, I represent the majesty of the Republic of the Philippines. You have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut up, or I’ll knock your teeth off!”





(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a televised press conference.)





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“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I will exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”





(Of the charges filed against her by several CID employees whom she disciplined for graft and corruption.)





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What is the record of actual courtroom experience of my enemies, not every dimwit can claim ‘trial practice,’ which calls for the special rules on trial technique and procedure. And what is the basis for all the pious nonsense about judicial behavior, from people who have never seen a courtroom, or read jurisprudence?





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I am aghast and postal that a party in litigation and the sub-mental cretins who are my enemies have the gall to demand the power to control the personality of the judge. To educate the non-educable, it is the judge who controls the proceedings.





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May I just make a point of grammar please? The Bible does not say, “Go out to the world.” It sounds very much like God is encouraging us to go out and copulate in public.





God said in the Bible, “Go forth and multiply.” That meant that God wanted man, not necessarily to literally multiply, but to go out to work with the rest of the human beings of this planet and to apply the stewardship theory. Meaning to say, taking care of each other, who are all in the planet living together.





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They are quoting Jesus ? But none of them were living when He was around plus they’re quoting God but the Bible says no one has ever seen God. In fact, if we claimed to have seen God, as I said, you are in urgent need of psychiatric care.





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“Please don’t treat me as a mere observer. I am a judge in this proceeding! In any trial court, … you should not speak, you should not take any behavior at all unless with the consent of the presiding judge. Don’t drown me out by screaming in this courtroom! Only I can scream here and my fellow judges!” (Scolding private prosecutor Arthur Lim)





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You know, if you shut down all the TV cameras, the proceedings will be finished in one week, but people want more than 15 [minutes] of fame.





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How many witnesses do you intend to present? You don’t even have any idea? You come to court prepared! You do not waste the time of this court!



