QAIDA NO. 2 TO ANSWER WEB QUESTIONS SOON Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri will soon answer the hundreds of questions submitted by journalists, militants and others about the terrorist network’s future, its media wing announced Wednesday. —Associated Press.

Illustration by Barry Blitt

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

Please find attached my homemade terror video, entitled “Death to America.” In it, you will see that I brandish an AK-47, make angry facial expressions, and threaten the infidels with imminent doom. Am seeking a full- or part-time position with Al Qaeda making spooky tapes. Have own cave.

—Fingers Crossed in Peshawar

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

Thank you for sharing this with us. While I’m afraid your terror video does not meet our needs at the present time, we would be interested in seeing anything scary you do in the future.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I am a member in good standing of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade and am considering switching my terror membership to Al Qaeda. Is there a difference in dental?

—Confused in Cairo

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

Unfortunately, that is not my department. Please call the office between the hours of eight and five and ask for Al Qaeda No. 37.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I was hatching a terror plot on my cell phone the other day, but now I’m afraid that the C.I.A. was listening in. What should I do?

—Worried in Sharm al-Sheikh

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

American law allows the government to eavesdrop on any phone conversation for no reason whatsoever. But, as a practical matter, this means the Americans are too busy spying on one another to ever spy on us. Plus, they don’t know Arabic. Still, you can never be too cautious. When talking on your cell phone, never use the words “Al Qaeda.” Instead, refer to us by our secret code name, the Emperors Club V.I.P.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I am a journalist for the U.S. publication Tiger Beat. When I heard you would be taking Web questions, I was like OMG, I totes have to write to him!!! Here are three questions we’re asking celebrities this month:

If you could be any character on “Gossip Girl,” who would you be? Who would be a better friend, Lauren on “The Hills” or Ashley Tisdale in “High School Musical”? Who is hotter, Zac Efron or Joe Jonas? (LOL)

—Stacy in Manhattan

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

May you and everyone at your magazine burn in Hell.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

Does Al Qaeda ever endorse political candidates? If so, I recommend that you give a big thumbs-up to Barack Obama. I guarantee you he hates America as much as you do (if not more)! It would be great if you appeared in a bunch of TV ads and called him “the evildoing President that evildoers have been waiting for.”

—Bill in Chappaqua

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

Al Qaeda is only interested in American elections to the extent that we can plunge them into abject chaos. So this year, as in every other year, we are supporting Ralph Nader.

Greetings and compliments to you, my good sir:

I am the widow of the late Nigerian head of state, General Sani Abacha. Please wire $15,000 in U.S. funds to the bank information provided below and in two weeks’ time you will receive $150,000 for your kindly services, my goodly gentleman.

—Mrs. Maryam Abacha

Lagos

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

What kind of simpleton do you take me for? I sent you $15,000 last month and I never heard back.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I have been trying to get through to WFAN Sports Radio 66 for the past three weeks, but they keep putting me on hold. So let me ask you instead: Do you think the Mets will go all the way?

—Mike in Flushing

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

Raining down misery and destruction on the Great Satan leaves me little time for such idle contemplations. That said, if Johan Santana puts up the kind of numbers he did for the Twins, look out.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I am a big fan of Osama bin Laden and would like to get his autograph. I have an eight-by-ten glossy of him but don’t know where to send it. Could you please give me his exact mailing address?

—Borge W. Gush

Washington, D.C.

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

Please contact him directly. He’s on Facebook. ♦