NEW YORK—Apologizing for laying down the ruling in haste without examining all the evidence, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rescinded Myles Garrett’s suspension for attacking Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph with a helmet Friday after review footage clearly showed Rudolph’s punchable fucking face. “This was my mistake, from the first shots I saw, it appeared that Garrett was unprovoked, but the clip from earlier in the play clearly shows Mason Rudolph’s big doofus face just begging for a fist,” said Goodell, explaining that Garrett merely acted the way anyone who was suddenly confronted with Rudolph’s infuriating, dumbass visage would act. “Just look as the expression on this doughy douchebag’s face. Just seeing him makes me want to punch the fucking screen. The entire Browns organization should be commended for not rushing the field and pummeling his annoying mug the second his helmet came off. In fact, Mason is suspended for the rest of the season just so nobody has to look at that shit.” At press time, Goodell had nominated Garrett for the NFL’s Walter Payton Man of the Year award.

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