Last year, the former Bordeaux and Norwich City footballer Cédric Anselin excused himself from his job coaching schoolchildren and returned to his home in suburban Norfolk. He was ready to do something that had been lingering in his mind for months, even years. Anselin had come close to killing himself four years earlier but had been saved by his wife. This time he was alone and determined to complete the act. Anselin was a Ligue 1 title winner who had represented France at Under-21 level and played in a Uefa Cup final alongside Zinedine Zidane, but was absolutely ready to end his life. In the end he was saved by a single phone call.

He found himself gazing at his phone, and thinking about a fellow former footballer among his contacts. “In the darkness, this light was shining from my phone and drew my attention,” he remembers. “In a split second, I realised I needed to speak to someone, anyone. Thank God I thought of Clarke Carlisle, a former player who I knew had gone through mental health difficulties. Immediately he told me: ‘You’re not staying alone tonight and you need to stay with someone close and go to the doctor tomorrow first thing.’”

The precociously talented Anselin had risen quickly through Bordeaux’s academy, appearing in both legs of the 1996 Uefa Cup final against Bayern Munich while just 18 years old. That Bordeaux team included Bixente Lizarazu, Christophe Dugarry and Zinedine Zidane, who would all win the World Cup on home soil two years later, but playing in such company was the new normal for the young midfielder. Before the first leg of the final in Munich, the players were patrolling the pitch in Munich and Zidane asked his young team-mate why he looked so nervous. “I was still on an apprentice contract. Just before the game my immediate first thought was: ‘I wonder if am I going to miss college after this game.’ It seems crazy now but I just took it as another game, not realising that I was experiencing so much, so young.”

Bordeaux did not win the final – Bayern Munich beat them 5-1 by over two legs – but things had changed for Anselin. “I remember not long after the final, going back to college. I can’t honestly remember the class – I think it was history or something like that – and people were just looking at me as I got the bus into town. I knew things had changed for me as a footballer.”



Facebook Twitter Pinterest Cédric Anselin taking on Coventry City in December 1999. Photograph: Tony O''Brien/Getty Images

Unfortunately, a change in managers made it hard for Anselin to break into the first team so, after an unsuccessful loan spell with Lille, the 22-year-old decided to leave France to improve his prospects. After an initial loan at Norwich City, he was awarded a permanent contract. “I arrived in England completely unable to speak English, but I was very lucky to be welcomed by everyone. I met a girl who would eventually become my wife and settled into life in Norwich.”

Anselin’s time at Norwich was plagued by injuries and, after three years, the club agreed to release him. He had been on the conveyor belt of professional football for most of his life but suddenly he was in his mid-20s and that perpetual motion had ground completely to a halt. “Football was all I knew. Through the Bordeaux academy and the clubs I had played for, you were taught to be a winner and to not contemplate failure. Yet, here I was totally unable to find a club and feeling completely hopeless. I was completely unprepared mentally.”

He found some temporary solace while playing for Ross County in Scotland but he was was feeling isolated. An agent promised him the chance to move to Mexico but that fell through and he found himself playing for Oriente Petrolero in Bolivia. After living in a hotel room by himself, contracting malaria and being paid late, he decided to return home.

Anselin returned to Norfolk and his weight and life completely spiralled out of control. “Looking back I was starting to become dead inside. I was drinking heavily and my weight was growing. Then one day I got a phone call from my French bank manager. I was surprised but picked up. He told me we needed a serious chat. It turned out €500,000 of my savings had been stolen from me by someone who I had considered extremely close. I never got it back. I had nothing left.”

Anselin found work in a local caravan park doing maintenance work to pay the bills. One day he was painting a door when a Norwich fan approached him. “He asked me are you Cédric Anselin who played for Norwich? I said, ‘Yes, that’s me.’ He just shook his hand in disbelief and asked: ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Because I need to live.’”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Cédric Anselin: ‘After I came out of hospital, my son said to me: “You’re not going to die on me, are you Papa?” I said: “I will be with you for the rest of your life.”” Photograph: Sarah Lee/The Guardian

After spells with Cambridge United and in non-league football, Anselin was completely disillusioned with the game and decided to hang up his boots. “I experienced so much so young. I was naive and thought it would go on forever. I should have been better prepared for real life. I wasn’t the husband or father I should have been and that only made me feel worse about myself.”

After Anselin had been stopped from killing himself by his wife in 2012, he refused to talk about it and life moved on, somehow. However, last year, Anselin again found himself in a dark place. His marriage had not worked out, he missed his children badly and he could not reconcile his life. The young academy boy who had treated the Uefa Cup final with the nonchalance of a kickabout in the playground had become the man sat slumped alone in a lonely house.

He is unflinchingly honest about his state of mind back then. “I was going to hang myself. In a way, it felt like I was going into a football game, in terms of the focus I had to get the job done. Somehow, the light that came from my phone in the loft just forced me to focus on contacting someone for help.”

The phone call to Carlisle saved his life. The next morning he went to the GP and he eventually found himself spending a month in a psychiatric hospital. It was the beginning of a new life. “For 14 long years I had been having issues but I never ever wanted to label it. Once I was diagnosed with severe depression, everything was so crystal clear. After I came out of hospital, my son said to me: ‘You’re not going to die on me, are you Papa?’ I said: ‘I will be with you for the rest of your life.’”

Anselin is now player-manager for Sheringham FC, who play in the Anglian Combination Division One, the 12th tier of English football. How does it compare to sharing a midfield with Zidane? “It’s different, certainly, but I’ve never been happier. I am just enjoying the love of playing the game again.” He still coaches local schoolchildren and tells them about his experiences with mental health, urging them to speak to someone, anyone. He also spends his Wednesday nights bringing hot food to the local homeless people in Norwich. Anselin’s early career in Bordeaux promised footballing riches, but he has found something more valuable in Norfolk: a life spent helping other people.

• In the UK, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

• This article is from Behind the Lines

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