Because unnecessary franchises always find a way, this year we got a sequel to the reboot that was Jurassic World. If you thought that story of a Starbucks-filled theme park being destroyed by a genetic dinobomination seemed unnecessarily convoluted, get ready for an erupting volcano, secret clones, and a surprising amount of time spent inside a freaking house. Welcome to Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, maybe the dumbest blockbuster of 2018 outside of Ready Player One. Spoilers below, but who cares?

The Villains' Plan Makes No Damn Sense

After trotting out Jeff Goldblum to reprise his role as Ian Malcolm (either because the producers paid him a bunch of money or lied and told him the set was piano bar that needed his services), we meet the villain of the piece: Eli Mills, who is planning to extract all the dinosaurs from Jurassic World, which is parked under an active volcano. He tells our hero Claire that he wants to move them to a dino-preserve, but really he wants to auction them off to the highest bidder because, brace yourself, the "Fallen Kingdom" is America.

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So Mills invites Claire and her rugged friend Owen to help out, because they're after one animal in particular -- Owen's velociraptor bestie Blue.

Universal Pictures

This means they're bringing along a group of people who will ultimately foil their plans just to grab one raptor. Even weirder, we find out that they only really wanted Blue's DNA, so they could have just killed her and taken some samples. Or they could have looked for one of the many dead raptors littering the park (as they did with the Indominus Rex skeleton), thus saving the bad guys from having to bring Indiana Jones' understudy along in the first place.

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Once they have the dinosaurs primed for their clandestine Eyes Wide Shut orgy mansion gathering, Mills starts auctioning off the dinosaurs ... for surprisingly paltry amounts. The Indoraptor, a big bad new dinosaur, is only worth $28 million. One of the dinosaurs goes for a mere $10 million -- around a quarter of what private buyers in the real world are spending on dinosaur fossils. And sure, that's still a lot of money, but look at how many expenses these guys had, from renovating a secret laboratory and cloning facility to basically hiring a goddamn army to transport the dinosaurs.

Universal Pictures

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You have to wonder how much they're actually netting here. Also, who are all of these rich guys buying dinosaurs? The Indoraptor is billed as some kind of ultimate weapon -- all you do is point a laser sight at what you want killed, and moments later, it attacks!