This time of year rings in the annual Mayfly spawning, where millions of adult mayflies come out of the Susquehanna River to mate, lay eggs and die. But not before they wreak havoc on the town of Columbia. Mayflies have a tendency to get liquored up and hit the local strip club before they mate. Thousands upon thousands of drunk, unruly Mayflies then take to the streets after they’re drunk and horny, mating in public, then passing out on sidewalks, cars, and people’s lawns.

“Every year these noisy heathens come out and make a mess of the town, we’re sick of it! The cops won’t do anything.” Said Eileen Ulick

Police Chief Denny Hitit spoke with POL: “There’s very little we can do, last year we went out and with cans of RAID and when that failed we resorted to flailing our batons around, even though it takes some of them out, it hardly effects their numbers. We’ve asked the state for millions of tiny handcuffs but they never seem to have the budget for it.”

This year’s cool weather is expected to double their numbers as the Mayflies won’t have to worry about window air conditioners blocking their way in and out of buildings.