Tee-hee.

I was still chewing the ark shell when the needlefish hit my plate. The needlefish sat there for longer than the chef's recommended few seconds. My adrenaline spiked. A fine sweat mist formed on my forehead. Terrible thoughts started sneaking out from their dark caves. I was just barely half-way through. My nerves had killed my appetite, and if I swallowed this ark shell, I was certain that I was going to puke it and nine other pieces of world-class sushi all over the counter of the greatest sushi chef in the world and make international headlines.

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I was in a full-on fight-or-flight panic. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I couldn't stop eating. This was the most expensive meal that I was ever going to eat. An eighth of our entire honeymoon's budget was invested into this one lunch. And then there was Yoshikazu and the 90-year-old sushi master, who were visibly annoyed that my pace had brought his well-oiled machine to a grinding halt. I couldn't disrespect their craft. I couldn't embarrass us. Nothing in the world would've made me happier than to quit right there, but I couldn't. I couldn't and it was killing me.

I realize, to some of you, none of this seems too disrespectful. But I assure you, right then I may as well have been shitting on Jiro's cutting board. If Jiro has a hatred of stupid Americans who are only eating there because they watched his documentary on Netflix while in their underwear eating Little Debbie snack cakes on a Saturday afternoon, I was 1000 percent contributing to the calcification of that hatred as I struggled to swallow a piece of sushi only a little bigger than an Advil.

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I finally got the ark shell down. And I somehow managed to get the needlefish down, too. And then came the boiled prawn. It's meaty. So meaty Jiro's son had to split it in two pieces. For a second, I delighted in the thought that he might divide the halves between my wife and me. I was just about to tell him to give my wife the bigger piece, because, first and foremost, I'm an incredible gentleman who only happened to have a steamy geyser of vomit ready to spew from every hole in his head, when both pieces landed on my plate.