Published (with a poster) in the September 2010 issue

Let me start with the accent, because it's a work of art. Sort of a female version of Al Pacino in Scarface, it deserves its own Lloyd's of London policy. It's like Buster Keaton's deadpan face, like Snooki's tan.

And it's real. Or sort of real — its true and fictional versions have fused, and Sofia's no longer sure.

"I was watching this home video from when I was twenty years old. And my son says, 'Listen to you!' " (Sofia pronounces this "Lee-sohn to you.") "He says, 'Your English is perfect. I mean, a little accent but not this insanity.' He told me, 'You're the only person who has lived fifteen years in a country and the accent gets worse.' "

Andrew Eccles

I'm hearing Sofia's accent live and in person at a café in downtown New York. She greeted me here with a double-cheek kiss (we'd never met), wearing a black shirt, one shoulder revealed. She's drinking coffee — Colombian, of course. She was born thirty-eight years ago in the coastal city of Barranquilla.

Sofia is on hiatus from ABC's Modern Family, the best sitcom to debut last year. She plays Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, a Latina mom in tight tops and altitudinous heels who unleashes tirades on her son's soccer coach and who is married to a rich guy twice her age. And who is, by the way, totally lovable.

Sofia's a tweeter (sample: "...muchos besos y abrazos!!!!!"), so I thought I'd ask her sixty-three thousand followers for questions. The problem? A recent snafu wiped out all her cell-phone data and she can't figure out how to log on to Twitter. "Something happened in space," she says. "That's what the T-Mobile guy told me."

Andrew Eccles

As a backup, I ask Esquire's Twitter followers to send in their thoughtful queries. Such as this one: "What do you think of people staring at your boobs all day?"

"Ay, but they don't," she says, laughing. (She is, by the way, a frequent and fantastic laugher — as well as a great and generous winker.) Not that she's unwilling to discuss said boobs. At one point, Sofia says, she considered breast reduction. Luckily for men's magazine readers and ABC executives, her mom talked her out of it, saying, "God is going to punish you if you cut them."

Someday she may tweak her eyes a bit, but she's sworn off major surgical overhauls. "L. A. is crazy. The women all look the same now. That thing with the cheeks. Like Madonna. Who do they think they're fooling? It doesn't make them look young. You end up looking like a freak."

Twitter: According to Wikipedia, her dad worked in the meat industry in Colombia, a big red-meat-loving country. What's her favorite cut of beef?

Andrew Eccles

"Actually, I haven't eaten red meat for fifteen years. Because when I came to the U. S., the meat tasted really funny to me."

Sofia arrived in Miami with its funny-tasting beef at age twenty-three. She'd been at dentistry school when she was spotted walking on a Colombian beach in a G-string, which led to a Pepsi ad and modeling gigs. She married young, had a son, and divorced. She left Colombia for fear of violence — her older brother had been murdered in a botched kidnapping. In Miami, she hosted a series on Univision — a Fear Factor — like game show that paid people to, for instance, jump out of helicopters naked.

Twitter: "Since you were raised a devout Catholic in Colombia, do you find the shallowness of Hollywood hard to handle?"

Sofia says she no longer practices a strict Catholicism; her religious life is more about thanking God. "I don't think God cares if I wear nail polish or not. I don't think that's a deal breaker for him."

Also, presumably, God is okay with hair dyeing. Because Sofia is a natural blond. "If you see my family, you wouldn't believe it. Everyone looks like they're Polish. Blond with blue eyes. But I wasn't getting any jobs in L. A. They were confused. They have this stereotype that Latin people have to look like Salma Hayek. The minute I made my hair dark, then they believed that I am Latina."

Twitter: "What qualities do you look for in a man?"

Andrew Eccles

She says it'd be nice if they could dance. "Latin guys dance. American guys don't dance. That's a big difference." On the other hand, American guys "cheat less than Latin men. I think they take — how do you say when you make a deal with somebody? ... Commitment. They take commitment more seriously."

Sofia has reportedly dated Enrique Iglesias, Luis Miguel, and, briefly, Tom Cruise. Right now, she's with a strapping businessman named Nick Loeb who recently ran (unsuccessfully) for Florida's state senate.

Twitter: "Are you playing Smurfette in the upcoming Smurfs movie?"

No. She's playing a perfume-company executive. But Smurfette will definitely be in the movie. (Related: My favorite tweet of Sofia's is a photo of two Smurf dolls in the missionary position with the caption "What are they doing????!!!!!!!")

All of a sudden Sofia's got to go. She has only a day left in New York before flying back to L.A. to see her son, now nineteen years old. He's named Manolo. After a character in Scarface. Really? Sofia laughs.

So many more Twitter questions. Could she stay a while longer? She laughs again. "What, are you going to write a whole issue about me?" Wouldn't be the worst idea.

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