NEW YORK—Maintaining that the jewelry was absolutely essential in communicating trust and commitment to your partner, matrimony experts confirmed Tuesday that an adequate engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners’ lives. “This tradition is still with us for good reason: A diamond is tangible proof that your unique and eternal love is worth any sacrifice, which in this case is a minimum of three diamond miners from Sierra Leone,” said wedding advisor Dori Drysdale, cautioning couples against buying a ring that had not passed through a sufficient number of fatally exploited men’s hands. “People are often surprised by how cheap these lives really are, and the feeling is that a ring that costs less than three lives is perhaps good enough for a daughter’s sweet 16. If you’re not willing to spend a few human lives to show a partner how you feel, then exactly what’s your commitment level? Marriage is forever, and you’ll want to choose a ring that’ll make an impression on the family of several diamond miners. Otherwise, it’s just tacky, and worse, it’s wasteful.” Drysdale recommended that couples earning six-figure salaries look into traveling to South Africa and killing a miner themselves in order to really make the occasion special.

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