Moving is hard. Starting a new job is hard. So fortunately for John Aloisi, The Football Sack is here to help him get settled in his new area after his appointment today as Brisbane Roar Head Coach.

We congratulate the ‘cultured’, ‘well-traveled’, ‘worldly’, ‘nomadic’, ‘do-anything-for-cash-anywhere-you-want’, manager for somehow landing this role and we have done the hard work for him and ticked off all his new local requirements and arranged them here in one place for him.

Good luck John!

1. Spray Tanning – Naked Body Beauty Bar – 10 minute walk (*wipes forehead in relief*)

First things first. Aloisi’s immaculate tan does not brown itself so we have set him up with a short walk to keep himself in tip-top Oompa Loompa shape. We are a bit concerned however that his new climate will result in the orange melting on the way back but we guess he will just need to figure that out himself.

2. Italian Suits – Wil Valor Men’s Tailoring – three minute drive

With an early spray-tan induced clothing catastrophe imminent, we best be getting John a contact at the nearest men’s tailor. Never seen in public without a fine Italian suit, we hope that our choice maintains his required standard and at only a three minute chauffeur trip we are sure that Aloisi will visit often.

3. John’s State of Origin Local Watering Hole – Sportsman Hotel – 29 minute walk

Time to get serious. As Facebook has told us, if you do not support the Maroons and you live in Queensland you are a ******* ******* ******** ****. So John! Take the half hour trundle to the sportiest venue we could find, the Sportsman Hotel no less, and go have a skinful supporting a bunch of players who win trophies for teams in other states. Touchdown!



4. Nearest Place to Book Contiki – Student Flights Adelaide Street – eight minute drive

We all love a holiday and we all dream of traveling to as many places as we can. John Aloisi does too as demonstrated by his tour of the world taking in Adelaide, Belgium, Italy, England, Spain, the Central Coast, Sydney, Melbourne and now Brisbane. This kind of tour needs organisation so we have set him up with an agent that will get him straight on to the next Contiki tour and we are sure that there will be plenty of places that John is still to see in the near future.

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5. Insect Control – Pestmovers – 11 minute walk

We want to ensure that John settles in the area without the nuisance of billions of moths that plague the area. The good news is that just next to the stadium is Pestmovers Insect Removal Service to help John out. Our question is, where the heck were they during the Asian Cup?

6. The Nearest Television Station – ABC Brisbane – eight minute drive

With a long history of getting his face on every single TV spot he could muster it would be remiss of us not to get the closest TV spot in his directory. It might be only ABC but hey, he has tried the best, what about the rest?

7. The Local Pizza Delivery Shop – Dominos – eight minute walk

Since his former pizza delivery boy Hayden Foxe has not yet been invited for this new role to assist we have got the nearest Dominos involved to satisfy John’s urges. Capricciosa coming right up!

8. The Local Diving Shop – Snorkel Safari Brisbane – 15 minute walk

It gets wet in Brisbane. So wet that you swim to the corner flag and you float out of the stadium to your car. Aloisi will need to get straight to this store to get his snorkel gear if he wants to be a touchline manager at Suncorp Stadium. That goes without saying!

9. Centrelink – South Brisbane – five minute drive

Because we all know where this is going.