INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact

Special Agent Andrew Broad, who in a previous life moonlighted as a Nationals member of parliament, confirmed today through the mail slot of his Mildura front door that he is also just as good at fucking an entire river system as he is fucking his woman.

Last month, the traditional practitioner of family values was embroiled in a scandal where he admitted to sending a string of lewd but sexy text messages to a woman he met through a ‘sugar daddy’ service.

The messages were leaked to the Walkley Award-winning pillar of journalistic pornography, New Idea, which ultimately lead to Broad’s resignation from public life.

However, as the strong-handed West Australian kneeled behind his front door, pursing his hot lips through the mail slot to speak to ‘journalists’ still harassing him outside the family home, Broad made it clear that he also whispered ‘G’Day Mate’ into the ear of the Darling River – but this time, he actually got to do the old horizontal river dance.

“Get off my fucking property before I call the police,” said the lips in the mail slot.

“That river and I did have sexual relations! There’s nothing illegal about that! Sometimes these things just happen and they are private! Do you hear me? Private!”

The impromptu presser was ended abruptly, however, after a reporter from the esteemed Border Mail put a cigarette out on Broad’s tongue mid-sentence.

Swearing as the mail slot clapped shut, the journalists scattered quickly as the police were all but guaranteed to be on their way.

More to come.