Stoning Our Neighbors to Death Makes the Corn Grow High, and Elitist Liberals Should Stop Attacking This Traditional Value

Since Biblical times, stoning people to death has been a horrible punishment reserved for the worst criminals. But now, in PC liberal America, the real stoning to death is being done against innocent Americans who organize lotteries that stone people to death. Liberal activists want to do away with the traditional stoning lottery. Apparently, in PC America, a “safe space” is one in which you aren’t stoned to death in the town square in order to increase the harvest yield. Well, count me out.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who grew up in real America and fondly remembers the entire town abuzz on June 27th. I’d get so excited that I couldn’t even sleep the night before. In the morning, we’d put on our traditional lottery suits, grab a flag or two from the flag bowl, and run down to the town square to draw our slips of paper. Every family would be there. The lottery is what brings towns together. Yes, whoever got the slip of paper with the black spot would be stoned to death, but no one forced you to live in America. Grab a rock, or get out.

Lotteries and ritual stoning are integral parts of American life. Whether or not the lottery actually increases the yearly harvest, rural working class Americans think it does. Let me be blunt: liberals who want to abolish ritual murder are the reason that Donald Trump won. If you don’t believe me, please see my last column titled “Rural Trump Voters Are Sticking by the President and Sticking by Stoning People to Death,” as well as this paper’s 100 other articles in which we interview the same handful of Trump voters slash stoning advocates in one midwestern diner over and over and over and over.

I already know what my liberal readers will say. That “lottery in June, corn be heavy soon” is a nonsense phrase and that there’s no scientific evidence that blood sacrifices increase the corn yield. Actually, there’s no scientific consensus on the question. At least one study, jointly funded by the paper slip industry and the Koch brothers, showed a 1% increase in corn production in towns that murdered at least one resident in the town square with stones, bricks, or other blunt objects. Maybe it is time for our universities to teach the controversy?

Despite being a highly paid columnist for a major metropolitan newspaper who regularly appears on network TV, I consider myself a radical outsider from the intellectual dark web. I’m constantly being oppressed for speaking the truth to the mainstream. I’ve been oppressed into a six-figure salary. Oppressed into several lucrative book deals and Fox News appearances. My podcast, There’s Nothing More Radical Than the Status Quo, has been censored into the top spot on iTunes. I don’t want to sound hyperbolic, but what has been done to me and other mainstream newspaper truth tellers like Bari Weiss and Bret Stephens is one million times worse than McCarthyism, the Holocaust, slavery, and the bombing of Hiroshima combined.

Despite all this censorship and oppression, we continue to tell the radical truths that no one can handle, namely that mainstream consensus is correct and that the status quo is the real radicalism. And we celebrate the lottery.

The attacks on the lottery are not just about stopping our American traditions. They are also about persecuting innocent men whose only crime has been stoning innocent people to death. In a recent Senate hearing, radical Democratic senators rudely grilled Mr. Summers and Mr. Graves about their town’s lottery that left Tessie Hutchinson dead in the center of town. Is there no one who will stand up for men who organize ritual stonings? Mr. Summers and Mr. Graves have been honest patriots their whole lives. They are husbands and fathers. They like beer. Leave them alone!

As the Bible says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and I for one know that Mr. Summers and Mr. Graves are entirely without sin. I say to them, “Cast that first stone” at next year’s lottery.