It is often exceedingly difficult for me to hang in there with our species. We really are quite awful when you come to think of it. I like you but not us. There are a lot of living things on the planet – for now. Perhaps the most ill-suited for existence would be our species.

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Good grief, are we weak. Organisms invisible to the naked eye wipe us out; allergic reactions to everything from an insect’s sting to nuts can cause death. Predators on land and in the sea can kill us off with little effort and look really good doing it, as we go out flailing, in our last gasping moments trying for one last selfie. We can’t run all that far or fast, climb all that well or endure for very long without water. Thinking of us in this way, we are simultaneously a miracle and a vexing frustration for both Mother Nature and the planet, as they have conspired together since the beginning of human existence to bring human existence to an end.

On a continual basis, we laugh in the face of the natural order of things and keep on living. Our blood is full of vaccines and drugs. We pay specialists to slice away our ugly parts so we can look more attractive to others who would otherwise shun us if we didn’t monsterise ourselves. We cover our faces with colours and shades to disguise the fact that we are shrivelling up and drying out.

Please don’t think for a minute that I am implying that this is all on you and I’m not part of this pathetic riot of denial. I am with you every step of the way! The fact that Homo sapiens can’t cut it in the “real world”, while obvious, is rarely brought up. Why would it be? What good does it do any of us to conclude that none of us should be here, that we should have died off centuries ago, that modern medicine is cheating some higher power of its due? Our intelligent design is so flawed that almost all of us should be recalled. Critters from ducks to snakes hatch out with all they need. You and me – not so much. No. I am not suggesting that we should all hop off a cliff; only that we frustrate the hell out of the grim reaper on a regular basis.

Wait, there’s more. So dipped in arrogance are we that we are convinced that our rightful place is atop the food chain, and that the planet is ours to ransack and divest of its treasure because, after all, it was all put here for us by the Big Guy. All these beautiful animals are ours to slaughter. The oceans are huge, specifically to hold all the carbon dioxide we emit. Photosynthesis, nature’s amazing oxygen maker, is a leftist, socialist fallacy, probably injected into the global conversation by a spin doctor in the White House. It is obvious that if trees are sacrificed for financial progress and levels of phytoplankton – responsible for half of the planet’s photosynthesis – are decreasing at an alarming rate, then we will still be OK because humans have no effect on any of the planet’s mechanics. That is to say, global climate change is just so much coffee house, pseudo-intellectual (communist) piffle.

Does it seem like I’m saying that the human race is doomed? We are, absolutely, but take heart, there are at least two reasons not to despair right now: it will still take a while and thousands of other species will be dying off as well, so at least we won’t be lonely or feel foolish. Our corpses will be exploding in the sun along with other creatures both domestic and exotic.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Rockin’ and Rollins: performing spoken word onstage. Photograph: Anthony Devlin/PA

At this point, you might be wondering why I have chosen to subject you to such a depressing line of thought. I have recently returned from the most amazing journey of my life – the Antarctic peninsula. The first sign of humankind’s pestering annoyance to the Earth showed itself to me when our small ship was several hours into the Drake Passage. The ship was slamming into waves and getting tossed around like a toy. Walls of white water smashed off the port side, covering me in spray. Waves melted into one another. The only thing wrong with the picture was our pathetic craft intruding upon this otherwise perfect vastness.

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Days later, when I stood on land as penguins walked up to me, pecked my boots, stared at me and then moved on, I understood what a completely ruinous pain in the ass our species is. Every penguin, whale and seal I was lucky enough to see was beautiful, graceful and, most importantly, suited to the environment in which it lived. Never in my life was I confronted with such displays of nature’s awesome perfection. There were visuals so stunning they overwhelmed my comprehension. It was clear to me that every single thing there, alive or not, was essential and I was nothing more than a self-promoting bag of lethal neediness.

Thankfully, before I was totally consumed by self-disgust, I returned to the world as I knew it. As I was driving my car past Warner Brothers, I once again took my place as master of all things. Buck up. In a few centuries or less, the last of us will choke out, cursing at the injustice of it all. Cheerio!

The film He Never Died, starring Henry Rollins, is on iTunes now



