Responsibility in Relationships, Conversations, and Dance I had a meeting with a mentor where we discussed this website and its goal of improving relationship health in America, and he mentioned that one of the ways he gauges whether people care about him or not is whether they ask how he’s doing. So rarely is that simple conversation ice breaker used properly (see http://youtu.be/vc-e-T39Z80); if an honest answer IS given, whether follow up questions are asked is another measure of care. This is why asking questions is recommended by many conversation and relationship guides for starting out: by asking many questions about the other person it makes the other person feel cared for. Therefore they may open up and feel closer to you because they have revealed so much–they know you know a lot about them.

Recapping the discussion, I noticed that what he said was true: going into the meeting, my goal was the be strictly business and have my site evaluated by an experienced businessman and investor. I spent most of my time cutting him off and trying to get in sales pitches, to speak up and say things rather than sit back and listen to him talk; whenever he would talk about something I would think about how I could add to the conversation and instead talk about myself: I didn’t give him room to add to the conversation himself, nor did I ask him to expand on many topics. This is how you make people feel used.

One of the questions I struggled with during my entire relationship with this mentor is knowing what are the limits and the boundaries: is this relationship business only, life only, or what balance? Well, the answer came to me when I recalled my mindset towards conversations: Just like it is your responsibility to take the conversation where you want it to go, either making it superficial or deep, it is your responsibility to make the relationship into what you want it to be. And in both instances, be observant of indications that you have crossed a boundary and respectful of the set boundaries.

#LessonsFromPartnerDance Someone needs to take lead and direct it, you can’t have two followers or both will be confused about the other’s intentions (because there are none!) and go nowhere.

Transparency and Communication, Trust and Suspicion

I went on a retreat recently, and on this retreat I played the game Resistance , where some people are good and some people are bad, and the good players try to find out who the bad players are. I learned from this game that people who explain their reasoning for accusations are more trustworthy than people who don’t, because we understand them and feel like we know them and what they are thinking, while people who do NOT explain themselves are suspicious because we don’t know what they are thinking and therefore have more reasons to suspect that they are up to no good.

The same thing applies to relationships: communicate your feelings! Be honest about what you are doing, vulnerable in sharing: explain yourself, reveal yourself, to have a chance at trust, one of the foundations for a strong relationship.

Life Advice