This man has made it clear he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, says Mariella Frostrup. So find out your financial rights and focus on the baby

The dilemma I am a 30-year-old woman and I’ve always wanted to settle down. Last spring I met a man with a previous marriage and a child. We were a good match, but without warning, after a few lovely months, he ended it. I took it badly and then all hell broke loose when I realised I was pregnant. I told him and we decided to keep the baby. I now see him a few times a week and we’ve bought a house, but we argue about him not prioritising time to build our relationship.

While he’s often kind and thoughtful, he also seems detached and unloving, resenting any extra demands I make. We don’t feel like a team and he openly admits he doesn’t love me, although he believes in time this might change. As the pregnancy progresses I feel constantly ill with worry and heartbreak, and my insecurities are bubbling over. I used to be confident with a good sense of self worth. When I try to talk to him it usually ends in a horrible argument with him cold and angry and me hysterical. Should I try to swallow my pride and persevere – or to build a stable foundation myself from the beginning?

Mariella replies New Year, new you. That’s our starting gambit. It’s the perfect season to take the wheel, determine what you want, why you want it and how you’re going to get it. Your first step must be to take personal responsibility for the choices you’ve made already and work out how you intend to shape the future for you and your baby.

This man has made it clear he doesn’t want a full-time role in the family life you want so much. That means you have no choice but to build a stable foundation for your baby that includes him as father but not partner. He doesn’t sound like a reliable choice for a settled union, having already left one child and partner. You say you’ve always wanted to settle down so having a baby after a short relationship with someone who wasn’t intending to either is a curious path. You appear to be expending an enormous amount of energy trying to get this man to conform to a setup he’s made it clear he doesn’t want.

You’ve bought a house together, which suggests that, at the very least, he’s committed to supporting you and your baby. That’s incredibly important and a commitment worth nurturing – but it’s an unstable partnership, so make sure of your financial rights.

You are pushing for something that this man hasn’t offered you

I get the feeling you aren’t taking no for an answer when it comes to a romantic partnership and many of your frustrations stem from this simple fact. This man seems to be saying loudly, clearly and consistently that, while he’s there for you in your choice to become a parent, he’s not willing to sign up for the rest. My advice is to stop torturing yourself and take him at his word. This is not something you should allow to shape your state of mind or self-worth. It’s not even a surprise. Self-delusion is the fastest way to unhappiness. Instead of focusing on what you’ve got, you’re wrongly judging yourself a failure because your sights are set on something else. Your energy now must be on how your baby’s needs will be best met, and those are practical, not romantic considerations.

If this man says he doesn’t love you then that’s pretty clear. It also leaves the field open for someone who does – and that is what you deserve and should be looking for once you’ve dealt with your immediate concerns. Your desire to fast forward into a fantasy of parenthood and domestic bliss has been embarked on with someone who doesn’t share that vision – but life is full of second chances.

This man should not be your priority, although his support will be welcome in the next few months. Take advantage of the fact that he seems to have behaved more selflessly than selfishly. There’s nothing in your letter that makes me feel he has deceived you. You have pushed for something that isn’t on offer and then tied yourself up in emotional knots because it isn’t forthcoming.

Truth is, we reap in relationships what we have, in many cases, sown. It’s pretty hard to get pregnant “by accident”, so there’s a degree of choice involved in negating contraceptive care (for both parties, naturally). It’s a choice that you need to take ownership of.

I don’t want to leave you with false hope, but the father of your child still has a foot in your door. The only chance you have of getting him to step over the threshold is to stop pushing him, thereby freeing him up to be enticed by your blossoming detachment and determination to get on with your own life. Save your emotional energy for the birth of your baby and ensure your friends and family are close by.

For now, this man is the least important of your concerns. Should you need further advice or support contact gingerbread.org.uk, the charity for single parents. In this season fuelled by ambitious resolutions, the most important one is that we take responsibility for our choices and learn to live with them and thrive.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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