PORTLAND, OR (AP) – In a world where civility too often takes a back seat to pugnacious political proselytizing, yet another innocent bystander has fallen victim to an brutal agenda of grudge assuagery.

Walking home from his job as a Starbucks barista, Edward Haskell – a self-described “embodiment of postmodernism as a spent force, revealing what happens when pastiche and irony exhaust themselves as aesthetics” (aka “hipster”) – said he was violently assaulted by someone wearing a face mask and an ANTIFA t-shirt who apparently objected to Haskell wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat, which is typically associated with ardent supporters of President Trump, and also-typically with people wearing ANTIFA t-shirts beating people up.

“I don’t understand why I was attacked,” said Haskell. “I’m not some sort of ardent Trump supporter. I don’t even like Trump. And I only like the MAGA hat ironically – the same way I like skinny jeans, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and bathing. And what do these guys have against “Fa” anyway? Did something happen to them during a screening of “The Sound of Music“? I’d say “Day of the Dolphin” but they didn’t seem eclectic enough to know about that one. I mean, *I* am, of course, but I only like it ironically.”

“Anyway,” Haskell said, “he just kept beating me with this flagpole, saying I was a Nazi and a fascist and a racist. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I am NOT a racist. In fact, some of my best friends are… well, different shades of white, I guess – this IS Portland. We’ve got the diversity of the Toronto Maple Leafs.”

At a press conference, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler vowed to bring “those responsible for the violence” to justice.

“Our fair city will no longer tolerate random beatings of innocent pedestrians. Why, just last week, a local member of ANTIFA was walking down the street and had his flagpole broken by a MAGA-hatted Trumpzi. We will make our streets safe again no matter how many right-wingers we have to throw in jail!”

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