Not bad for an early work. I like the setup, it's very taboo and risque and I like that it starts with aggressive men bullying her into "fixing her", it's a great mood setter for the rest of the tale. A lot of writers wouldn't include that, and it's a nice scene.



Some thoughts:



1- formatting is rough to follow. The eye gets lost on which paragraph I'm on, which makes it hard to read.



2- Very rushed. Scenes seem to zip along, which makes it feel less sexy and erotic and more like a Wikipedia summary. I could see a couple thousand words out of the beginning up to the first **** break, like the opening scene to a movie. The couple are coming to town, they chat a little in the car, establish their characters and history and their finances, they pull into the shop, talk a little, the men start to bully the two, she's terrified but also shocked at how big they are and feels a perverse curiosity at their packages, the store owner comes out...etc etc etc. Take a little time to set things up. If not, why not start en medias res, and start with her shopping while her boyfriend's in the bathroom, reflecting on who they are and why the came here, and the men show up and push her around and break her out of her thoughts?



It's a criticism I give to a lot of people but think of it like a movie -- scenes need to take some time to set things up, and it's just going to be a bore if you zip to the sex. You can make a short little tale out of what's here, or something long, and I think it deserves to really breathe and have a lot of suspense and tension in watching our poor girl go crazy as she can't sate her intense lust for gigantic cocks, even as she loves her husband.



3 - Need a little more characterization. It would help for the realism of the characters to know their hobbies and what they're doing and how they think. Is Jen a modern woman with an eye for business and money, or an ambitious young girl with an eye for art and a lust for adventure? If she's so resistant to being a baby factory, why is that? And likewise, is Rob pretty secure in his masculinity, or is he touchy about it? How does he feel about these men around his wife as she's looking more distant to him sexually, is he oblivious or secretly super into it or jealous and bitter? This makes a story feel real and it's sorely lacking here. Again, you don't NEED these things if you want it to be a quick little sexy tale, but I can feel the desire for longform Stepford preggo fic with cuckoldry in this and I think you would prefer it.