In case you missed it, Masahiro Sakurai recently said in a Famitsu column that the next bout of fighter passes will be the last for Smash Ultimate. On top of that, he said Nintendo will be picking all the characters, which could be good or bad news. Nintendo might be able to leverage their standing to get some tough IPs. Or they may force us to endure yet even more swordies.

Speaking of swordies, Sakurai also admitted that he was as tired of designing swordies as Smash players are of seeing them. Well, that’s not fully accurate. He actually admitted that he understands there are too many swordies and Fire Emblem characters but couldn’t do much about Byleth’s inclusion. We can see he at least tried to make the character have a few weapons and feel unique.

With the end of the DLC, Sakurai will also be done developing for a minute. He won’t have another major Nintendo project to jump to immediately. That means Papa Smash may finally have time to rest and recharge. But what will Sakurai do with his free time? I have a few speculations.

Sleep for three days

When Sakurai leaves the office for an extended period of time with no tasks to occupy his mind, there will be nothing to distract him from the fatigue he has long held. He will slumber. This slumber will stretch for two nights and three days and will carry him through a journey across his own subconscious mind. His unthinking brain will unfold into the true landscape of Dream Land and he will walk through the colorful landscape of crossover gaming that he created.

He will also totally jack up his sleeping schedule and have to go through a day really tired so that he can reset it.

Getting into awkwardly long but overall pleasant conversations with cashiers and retail workers about how he plays with two controllers

Returning to the waking world, Sakurai will find himself bored — but not interested in work and productive hobby just yet. Instead, he’ll spend his time out in the world, shopping and dining out. As he enters this world, many people will recognize and speak with him. And many people will be kinda forced into an awkwardly long, kind of weird, but overall pleasant conversation about how he played with two controllers and did a bunch of weird stuff to test out Smash.

Sakurai will hold down many a service worker with conversations about his time at Nintendo and won’t really answer the questions they want to have answered. In place of hot takes and insider info, they’ll get stories about niche practices and decisions in game development. Sakurai’s soft, weird grandpa charisma will carry the conversation on well enough until he realizes it is time to leave Smash behind.

Catch up with his first son, Kirby

Journeying away from Smash and deeper into the world of gaming that he shaped, Sakurai will reminisce on his original creation, Kirby. He will feel the presence of Kirby as though Kirby were a living, breathing child out there in the world, waiting for a visit from his father. So nagged by these feelings, he will begin to search for Kirby in the great dark space that unfolds between the mind and the world.

Entering into transcendental meditation, Sakurai will plunge again into the world of Dream Land, but this time with both his waking and sleeping mind. Sakurai will find his sweet round son after a long quest through the world of Dream Land. Then he will sit and have a picnic with Kirby.

Melt all the swords in Japan and turn them into a statue of Mario to atone for the sins he was complicit in

When Sakurai returns from his visit to Kirby, he will see his life in a new light. His virtues and flaws, his victories and sins, what he has let go of and held onto – it will exist in brighter color and starker contrast than before. Sakurai will be possessed by raw will to make right and move onward.

Understanding that he was complicit in the great swordie take over of the Smash franchise, he will seek to make amends. Gradually, through purchases, strategems, laws, and wiles Sakurai will obtain every blade in Japan. Like the great unifier of Japan, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Sakurai will melt all these blades down and create a statue. His statue will be of Mario in that pose where he hits the block with a raised fist and you can hear him saying, “Yahoo!”

Get in arguments with Twitch chat on Melee streams

Sakurai will feel spiritually cleansed for a while after his reshaping of the blade. However, some small piece inside of him will nag his soul. He will follow this nag onto competitive Melee streams and let it lead him into many an argument about how Brawl was better than Melee. Smash was never meant to be a competitive game and to judge its merits based off of the competitive scene is unfair. He will argue this point for far too long.

He will argue until a fury, long stored away, will tear lose from its leash.

Rinse some casuals at the arcade

Full of competitive rage and desire, Sakurai will return to the arcade that once birthed Smash and hop onto the nearest fighting game. He will proceed to rinse casual after casual that approaches him. He will body children in front of their parents and couples in front of their significant others. He will have no mercy. He will understand that mercy itself was an illusion.

Train for EVO

Now Sakurai will train, day in and day out, towards one single aim: become the best. He will train in both Melee and Ultimate, learning the ways of the wavedash and foxtrot. His movement will become crisp, his combos true, his kills confirmed, his recoveries untouchable, his character pool endless. He will transform himself into the God Gamer.

Rematch and destroy Toby Fox

Remembering the one developer to truly rival him in the realm of Smash, Sakurai will invite Toby Fox to return to Japan. He will pay for the plane ticket and the hotel – whatever it takes to create the rematch. When Toby Fox arrives, Sakurai will challenge him to a competitive set.

In the first game, they will both hold back, not yet showing their full talents. As Sakurai’s sharpened competitive instinct reveals itself, so will Fox’s. The two will fight harder and harder with each passing stock and will be wavebouncing and attack canceling by the last stock. The set will go on, each of them trading winds until game 5. Toby Fox will unveil his main – Fox – while Sakurai will unveil his – Marth.

Sakurai will turn to Toby Fox and inform him that he will hold back no longer. Fox says he would have it no other way. Sakurai will JV 4 stock Toby Fox, who will cry. Sakurai at first will feel great shame at these tears but Fox will tell him they are not tears of sadness but tears of joy, for he has seen the arrival of the one true God Gamer with his own eyes. Sakurai will now comprehend his full mission and register for EVO.

Win EVO

When Sakurai first arrives in Vegas, most players think that he’s making some kind of marketing ploy. They will understand that he is deadly serious when he unveils his controller made of solid gold and grinds game after game on the friendly setups and refuses to have sustained conversations with anyone once bracket starts. Inside the bracket, he is merciless. He is every blade that he destroyed.

Sakurai somehow makes Marth’s tippers consistent in Ultimate and somehow manages to switch seamlessly between Melee and Ultimate. He three stocks opponent after opponent, entering the top 8 of both brackets with what can only be called ease. Once in the top 8, he is challenged enough that he must reveal the meta-shifting secret techniques that he has been holding onto.

His play unveils entirely new mechanics, blending speed, creativity, and decision making together into an effortless work of art. The Gods and the top competitors rival him but cannot truly stand in a way. MKLeo, Hungrybox, Zain, Samsora, these are all but names to Sakurai, tags to be claimed. In the last moment of EVO, Melee Grand Finals, Sakurai ascends to his true form, a fusion of war and peace, of thought and instinct, of tech and neutral skill, a raw natural force. Those in attendance cannot help but weep openly.

Sakurai wins Ultimate and Melee as well as $35 whole dollars and a coupon to Dave and Busters.

Draw some circles in a sketchbook and see what happens from there

Sakurai retires after reaching the peak he had refused for so long. With all things within himself reconciled and divinity achieved, Sakurai sits down and draws some circles in a sketchbook just to see what happens from there. He ends up creating the sequel for Kirby Air Ride, which is pretty sick and features Kirby’s own son, Jirby.

Now that I’ve had my fun, I want to stress that none of this is satire. This is an entirely serious work based off of a personal faith that could be described as religious. All of this will come to pass, for I have seen it in many visions and waking dreams. Glory unto the Golden Trinity of Gaming, Sakurai, Kirby, and Jirby. Glory unto the Golden Controller which leads to the Golden Horizon.