Horoscopes for Librarians

Aquarius

Prepare to attract a lot of attention this week, when you are left crushed and screaming in the stacks on the 3rd floor. Remember that the last budget was slashed and there are no funds to keep shelves properly secured.

Pisces

Remain steadfast when you encounter a patron masturbating at the Quick Search computer desk. Most likely, he will shout at you to go home to your nine cats. Your lucky number is 8 for the number of cats you actually have.

Aries

Be quiet, hyper-loquacious, Aries.

Taurus

This will be an emotional time, as all the dust-gathering sets of Encyclopedia Britannica will be removed to make space for computers and Wikipedia research. Your unlucky number is 030, which is how many minutes it will take to tear the reference section apart and also its Dewey Decimal number.

Gemini

Your boss at the Library of Congress will inform you of a classified assignment APT (“Archiving Presidential Tweets”). Your lucky number is 1015, the number of days left until the 2020 election, because a Gemini never quits and you are a Gemini, right? Please stop reading others’ horoscopes, Capricorn. It’s creepy.

Cancer

Water is your element, Cancer. This is the week to embrace it by picturing holding a patron’s head under a faucet after he asks you to find a book based on his description, "It has words, pictures, and a ‘V’ in the title.”

Leo

Feel like you’re spinning your wheels? It may be because of free-range children ruining your puppet show interpretation of Knuffle Bunny. Your lucky number is 3, the number of years you spent earning a Masters of Library and Information Science so that you could wipe snot off Mo Willems’ books.

Virgo

Your attention to detail will be wasted this week. Someone will steal the DVD of Call Me By Your Name from right under your nose. P.S.: Check your bag, because it’s not a coincidence that your favorite movie is also called, Call Me By Your Name.

Libra

You were right in thinking that becoming a librarian would help you finish that novel. Now you are screwed because you will actually need to write the thing.

Scorpio

Be a sexy Scorpio dominatrix by shattering your now ex-lover’s e-reader, who left it in the library. Your lucky number is 15 for the number of times it takes to splinter its screen and how many cardigans you bought this season.

Sagittarius

Gracious and fair are your sign’s strengths. But not when it comes to Wednesday Senior Scrabble nights. Destroy long-term member, Edith, by challenging every word until she breaks. Your lucky number is 1765 for points scored on the word “Oxyphenbutazone.”

Capricorn

Capricorn, you are no less of a superhero than Spider-man. This is your week to shine. If you catch someone stealing a book, use your cat-rimmed glasses as a ninja star and knock them into section 343.73 (Criminal Justice).