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Jesus tap dancing Christ, the battle over Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos (apparently named Emma and Isabella) will never end, and—after an absence from the celebrity news headlines—has gotten darker than I ever thought it would become. A new “right-to-live” lawsuit on behalf of her fertilized (by ex-husband Nick Loeb) eggs has been filed in Louisiana, a conservative state where “a trust that has been created for them.”


Writes Page Six:

The new lawsuit contends that Emma and Isabella, by not being born, have been deprived of an inheritance from a trust that has been created for them...[and] asks that the frozen embryos be given to Loeb so that they can live and receive the trust set up for them, which would fund, among other things, their healthcare and education, sources said.


On Tuesday, Loeb dropped his previous lawsuit against Vergara in California after a judge gave the go-ahead for him to name the women he had previously impregnated who had abortions, thus (in his mind) depriving him of his right to be a father. Besides housing a legal system that may be friendlier to him, Loeb apparently “has ties” to Louisiana.

Now, the thing that has always bothered me about this particular case is that Vergara and Loeb once signed a contract in which they agreed “neither party could use the embryos without the consent of the other.” That seems pretty cut and dry, right? Well, in the eyes of well-paid lawyers, it isn’t. This new lawsuit “argues that [the contract] didn’t say what should happen if Loeb and Vergara were to split.”



So that’s why we’re here, watching a grown man argue that, because a trust has been created to fund the education and healthcare of two yet-to-be-gestated children named Emma and Isabella, the trust should be used for the simple reason that it exists. And because it can only be used by people who do not yet exist, that they should go ahead and be allowed to exist. He’s essentially saying, “There’s money for these eggs once they turn into people, so let’s make them people even though we—several years ago—decided not to make them people if only one of the parents wants to do so!”

Oh my god! Oh my god!

[Page Six]

Speaking of unexpectedly wacky legal battles between very famous people and members of their extended family, TMZ is reporting that three of the most famous blood Kardashians—Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney—are “opposing [Blac Chyna’s] request to trademark” her name, which is (in case you forgot) Angela Renee Kardashian. They claim she was trying to “[lock the name] down for use while working in entertainment, and also on social media.”




But hoo-boy, the blood Kardashians are mighty pissed off by the idea, and are crying that “if Chyna gets the trademark they’ll ‘suffer damage including irreparable injury to their reputation and goodwill.’” Later in the docs, they accuse Chyna—excuse me, Angela Renee Kardashian—of “‘deliberately seeking to profit from the goodwill and popularity’ of the Kardashian name.”

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................where do you think she got the idea for this, fam?


[TMZ]

—-Kevin Costner in J.F.K. voice—-



Y’all gotta start thinking on a different level - like the CIA does. Now we’re through the looking glass here, people. White is black and black is white.


[Yikes]


[Wow]



Here I am, in 2016, thinking about how attractive Ricky Martin and his fiancé, Hot Artist, are. [ TMZ



and his fiancé, are. [ I refuse to believe anything about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce settlement until the papers are signed and they live in different homes. [ TMZ



divorce settlement until the papers are signed and they live in different homes. [ The sort of languidly delivered sentiment, “I had a really miserable time in Dubai,” is something reserved almost exclusively for super rich people. [ People



is something reserved almost exclusively for super rich people. [ Tom Hardy has a tattoo somewhere on his body that says, “Leo knows everything.” [ Page Six



has a tattoo somewhere on his body that says, “Leo knows everything.” [ Great news!* Taylor Kinney and Lady Gaga “have a great relationship and talk all the time.” [ TMZ




*Please let me know if you consider this to be “great news” in the comments.