I had an experience at work last week that renewed my faith in humanity a bit. I was harassed by an employee of a company that my workplace has connections to and my manager took the incident seriously and did something about it. And it felt really good to know that, because I had reported the incident, justice was served. And to think, I almost said nothing about it. To think that I was tempted to pretend it didn’t happen, which is something we as women do all too often. Because we’re told it’s not a big deal. Because we don’t want to complicate things or make things awkward. Because we’re afraid that if we say something, we’ll be blamed for it. Because we feel guilty for what has happened, never mind that it happened to us.

This experience has made me think about all the things that women feel guilty about and apologize for, that we really shouldn’t be sorry for. Here are some things women should stop apologizing for:

Feeling vulnerable

Women should stop apologizing for feeling vulnerable or threatened in a situation that makes them feel unsafe. In this instance, I was by myself at work late at night when the incident happened. The guy was obviously intoxicated and angry and he was swearing at me and refusing to leave when I asked him to. I felt vulnerable. I felt threatened. I didn’t feel safe. But I also felt angry with myself for feeling this way and for my inability to control the situation. I was managing the front desk after all. I was the one that was supposed to be in charge, and yet here I was feeling scared and vulnerable and unsure of what to do next. Do I call my male colleague while he’s on his break? And say what? “There’s a guy here being a dick and he wont go away?” Do I give in and give the guy what he wants so he leaves me alone? Do I just ignore him and hope he goes away? All too often women are put into positions that make them feel vulnerable — whether it’s being alone at work or walking on the streets late at night. But is it our fault for feeling this way? No, we feel vulnerable because we know, whether from personal experience or from hearing about others’ experiences, that we are at risk. Never mind that I know how to protect myself, the fact of the matter is that this kind of incident would not have happened if I was male. I would not have been targeted the same way or belittled as I was. This is not our fault and we should stop apologizing for it.

What they look like

Women should stop apologizing for what they look like. We just can’t win. When we dress up, it’s taken as an invitation to sexualize our bodies. When we dress down, it’s taken as an invitation to comment on our appearances. From a young age, we’re told to be careful how we dress. We’re told not to cause men to “stumble.” We’re told that we are responsible for how men treat us and that men will judge us by what we look like rather than for who we are. In high school a male staff member referred to me as a “temptress.” I thought it was funny at the time but now I realize how wrong that kind of thinking is. It takes all the responsibility away from men and allows them to feel ok about treating girls/women like objects rather than human beings. He can’t help it. She deserved it. He’s just wired that way. She was asking for it. We start to internalize these messages and feel guilty for what we look like, and we shouldn’t.

Saying no

Women are always apologizing for saying no. No I don’t want to dance, sorry. No I’m in a relationship, sorry. No you can’t have my number, sorry. No I don’t want a hug, sorry. No I didn’t think that joke was funny, sorry. Why do we feel bad for saying no to someone that make us feel uncomfortable? Why would we rather accept an unwanted advance or laugh off a rude comment than say no? Women have every right to say no without saying sorry.

Making a scene

Too often when women stand up for themselves or speak out against harassment, they are accused of “making a scene”, “creating an issue”, “making a mountain out of a moelhill” or “causing drama.” We are the victims of abuse and yet we feel guilty. Bad things happen to us and yet we feel guilty — just think about how messed up that is. A guy grabs your ass but you’re the one that is “causing drama.” One time I was in the checkout line at a grocery store and this guy started yelling and swearing at me because apparently I had “pushed him” with my shopping trolley when I went past in the very narrow lane. He continued to hurl abuse at me for quite a while as I just stood there and others stared on. I shouldn’t have felt guilty but I did. I felt guilty for being there. I felt guilty that he was yelling at me and that people were looking at me, pitying me. Even with the incident that happened this past week, I felt apologetic about reporting it because I knew I was creating an issue for my manager to sort out. But I had no reason to apologize. I didn’t create the issue, I was just dealing with it. I didn’t cause drama, the man that verbally assaulted me did. Women really should stop feeling guilty and apologizing for trying to preserve our basic human rights to safety and security.

As unpleasant as this experience was, from the other side I’m thankful that it happened. Through this experience, I learned that there are people around me that take violence against women seriously. I learned that it’s ok to ask for help. As women, we are much more likely than men to be targeted, and we should stop apologizing for feeling vulnerable, or for what we look like, or for saying no, or for making a scene. And the guy? He got fired. So maybe he learned something this week too. Maybe he learned that violence, in any form, is not ok. Maybe he’s learned that there are consequences for his actions. And hopefully, he’s a better man for it.