HARTFORD, CT—After his health insurance provider selflessly paid dozens of claims, covered no fewer than five generic drug prescriptions, and fielded his near-daily phone calls, ungrateful policy member Samuel Clifton, 59, had the temerity to just up and die Monday without so much as a word of explanation, sources reported. “Unbelievable—we bend over backwards for this guy and he just goes and passes away,” Aetna claims manager Gloria Reyman said while reviewing “the complete ingrate’s” files, noting that her company had only aggressively disputed a handful of his claims over the past year. “Sure, he paid for the first $2,500, but then we covered a good chunk of his in-network costs. And after all the time we put in, mailing him the summaries of his treatments and hospital visits, this is how he thanks us? By dying, just like that?” Reyman added that the recently deceased Clifton at least had the common decency to provide Aetna with an emergency contact so the company could send next-of-kin information to several collection agencies.

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