You may think that anger has been around since Cain got a bit cross that Abel had given God a really good Christmas present but you'd be wrong. No, forget the Carthaginian wars, the 100 years war, the first and second world wars and Mark and Steve Waugh – nobody was angry until Sir Alex Ferguson brought in the 'hairdryer', which definitely isn't another word for shouting at players which every other manager definitely hadn't been doing anyway since Sky invented football in 1992.

Anyway, it looks like Roberto Mancini has picked up some bad habits from Lord Ferg and given Craig Bellamy the rollocking of his life. According to the Sun's trusty insider: "The manager was yelling 'Why are you always questioning me? Why won't you do as you are told? Why are you always questioning everything at training and in games?'" To which the Mill likes to imagine Bellamy replied: "No, why are you always questioning everything at training?" The upshot of it all is that Mancini told Bellamy to do the proverbial one and not come back for three months. Although in 0.000006 type at the bottom of the story it says Bellamy will probably be back at training today.

Once Mancini has burned all his photos of Bellamy in a rusty bin in his back garden, he'll get around to setting up the groundwork for this summer's transfers. Target No1: Fiorentina full-back Juan Manuel Vargas. Vargas's arrival will mean professional fall guy Wayne Bridge will be off to West Ham. While we're on the subject of West Ham you'll probably want to know that Matthew Upson won't commit his future to the club and is being monitored by Spurs and Man City.

Ajax forward Luis Suárez has a pathological phobia of elderly men in red coats which means he couldn't help Santa when he got stuck up the chimney and refuses to sign for Chelsea for fear of coming into contact with their fearful army of pensioners. He will however consider a £30m move to Arsenal or Manchester United.

Santa has died of asphyxiation after getting stuck up Luis Suárez's chimney.

Argentinian jinker Mauro Zárate is so angry at the lack of Italian press coverage about the number of comments on Wednesday's Rumour Mill (1,283 and counting) that he will storm out of Lazio and join Arsenal who, let's face it, don't have enough overelaborate players.

Rangers are on the trail of France international Jimmy Briand, a trail that will end with £2.5m going into Rennes' bank account.

Alex McLeish is on the trail of Israel international Itay Shechter, a trail that will end with his club asking for £58m for the striker because Birmingham own 23% of China.

Harry Redknapp wants to give Heurelho Gomes competition so he'll enrol him in the local cubs' sponsored swim. Some of the cubs have their 200m badges so it could be tough. If that doesn't sharpen the keeper up, Harry will sign Reading goalkeeper Adam Federici for £2m.

And finally, West Ham midfielder Valon Behrami is worth £8m of Stuttgart's hard-earned cash; Nadir Belhadj would rather play for Barcelona than Portsmouth; David Gold will lend £10m to stop Pompey going bust; and if you like clever films with subtitles, you'll like this.