ALBUQUERQUE, NM — What onlookers initially described as a lively, but respectable best girl debate quickly spiraled out of control and turned into tragedy at the Albuquerque premiere of Love Live! School Idol Movie. Witnesses could not pinpoint the exact moment affairs got out of hand, but it’s reported that the violence escalated very quickly.

The following are some of the eyewitness accounts gathered by on-site Anime Maru staff.

“I don’t remember how it got so crazy. all I remember was everyone talking and having heated debates over which girl was the best,(which i didn’t understand as Umi was clearly the best) then someone shouting ‘Nico Nico Nii motherfucker!’ And hearing a large crash. The whole thing was surreal, ya know? I thought I was in a dream, especially since no one in their right mind would like Nico.”

“I was just having a light discussion with someone about the finer points of my recently acquired Kotori body pillow when people started throwing fists. I knew it had gotten bad when someone pulled a knife. I mean, I did throw some punches at some person chanting ‘Eli’ before running out, but such senseless violence shouldn’t have happened at this event.”

The authorities arrived around 15 minutes after the incident broke out. As of press time, the Albuquerque Police Department has released this official statement:

“After discussion with the mayor, the city of Albuquerque has decided to ban any further Japanese Anime media to be played in our theaters. After today’s events and the past incident involving the live OreImo broadcast we just can’t take anymore chances.”

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