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Photo by Ronn Sutton / Ottawa Citizen

At best, they said, they felt like spectators. They felt victimized by it all, but still they stood in open court and put a human face on their son, no matter how hard.

Dale Swan, a private man, told court: “I take exception that I have to do this in open court and before one of the very individuals responsible for my son’s death. This in itself I consider a form of victimization, but I realize this will be my only opportunity to try to put a human face on what has been, up to now a very cold, clinical, detached legal process.”

He said every special occasion reminds them only of their dead son. Just this past Christmas Eve, he sensed his longtime wife was having a particularly hard time. He asked her what was wrong and she broke down in tears and told him: “I hate my life … I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.”

In a moving victim-impact statement, Swan told court: “As a father, I consider myself a failure. Ultimately, it was my job to protect my child, to identify the dangers and do whatever was required to deal with them. I thought I was doing this, but it proved not to be enough. I must live with this guilt for the rest of my life.”

Michael Swan’s parents blame themselves, and to this day feel guilty for enjoying anything.

His tearful mother Rea told court her life will never be the same.

“Just enjoying a beautiful sunny day, a good meal or even a laugh at a good joke brings with it a feeling of guilt, she said. “How can I enjoy these things? My son is dead … I have been robbed of my son and the joys of life … There remains a large hole in my heart that will never go away. ”