CLASS WARS

A suspected shoplifter being stalked through the aisles by security, Mabel on checkout No 3 requesting a price-check on multipacks of baked beans and the staging of the draw for the first round of this season’s Fizzy Cup by Sam Matterface; what was shaping up to be just another routine day at Colindale Morrisons in June, livened up considerably when the urbane broadcaster’s glamorous assistants, EhJohnEhBarnes and Ray Parlour, paired Salford City with Nasty Leeds in the competition’s northern section.

Two sides who have a bitter rivalry despite never having played each other, the extremely low regard in which both teams and their respective fans hold each other is rooted in both geography and the enmity Nasty Leeds fans have for Salford City’s owners and the disproportionate amount of financial clout they wield for a club starting out in their first ever season in the Football League. While the former Manchester United stars in question don’t like to talk about it, Salford are part-owned by Gary and Phil Neville, Nicky Butt, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs and David Beckham, a body of men collectively known as The Class of 92. For fans of Nasty Leeds, they are a body of men collectively known as something not fit for publication in a family-friendly football email and Tuesday’s match at the 5,000-capacity Peninsula Stadium will give all concerned an opportunity to renew hostilities that have been more or less on the back-burner since Nasty Leeds went into meltdown in 2004.

“Welcome back into my life Leeds,” tweeted Gary Neville, upon hearing who the club in which he is a 10% stakeholder had drawn. “Not seen you for 15 years,” he added, having apparently erased the memory of that time he was pictured hands-on-hips scowling at Jermaine Beckford as the then Nasty Leeds striker celebrated the goal that unceremoniously dumped Manchester United out of the FA Cup in 2010. The opinionated pundit and his chums will be hoping for another upset this evening, in a match where, bizarrely, Nasty Leeds, rather than the nouveau riche arrivistes they are playing against, could conceivably be the team most neutrals are rooting for.

“It’s an opponent that use a traditional shape to play the game,” said Marcelo Bielsa, the man who has singlehandedly made it OK to like Nasty Leeds again, upon emerging from some Mancunian bushes wearing camouflage and brandishing a pair of binoculars. “They have some characteristics that are the typical English style of play. They play with big strikers and have big defenders too. At the same time they are dynamic, they have a good balance.” A comparative novice, Bielsa’s opposite number Graham Alexander is under no illusions about the task that lies ahead for his side. “Leeds United will be the biggest opponent we’ve ever played and the biggest club we’ve ever played,” he mused, while in a Colindale Morrisons, Mabel scanned a garish six-pack of caffeinated Thai energy elixir.

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“Now I’ve retired from football I want a nice place to share my memories” – 2010’s Wesley Sneijder says he’s hanging up his boots to take a non-playing role at his hometown club FC Utrecht.

“It was a complete surprise for us … he has some things to do in Doha, where he still lives and there are still a few clubs who probably want to sign him, so I’d like to tell him about that. Normally you consult each other about these things, but I think he just announced it in all his enthusiasm” – but his Mr 15%, Guido Albers, wants to unretire his client quick-sharp while there’s still money to be made.

Wesley Sneijder, who may or may not be retired. Photograph: Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

FIVER LETTERS

“The story about Mo Salah and the kid with the broken nose making The Fiver go all warm inside, confirms my suspicions that you are getting old. This obviously only normally happened after you had sculled at least a dozen Tin on a regular evening” – Gerry Rickard.

“People say Jürgen Klopp is popular because he has a tremendous sense of humour. So how come, in the space of six weeks, he has rid Liverpool’s defence of Moreno, Mignolet and (it seems) Lovren? Unless he’s planning on making Djinkin’ Djimi Traore his new defensive coach, I’d say he’s a massive killjoy” – Tim Woods.

“Back in the 1990s I needed some footware to play kickabout with the neighbours’ two football crazy kids. So l asked my wife when she went shopping to buy me ‘some cheap crap trainers’. She returned with a pair of Golas. They lasted me three years and were very comfortable” – Nigel Deas.

“News of your ‘50 Years of Shoot!’ prize will no doubt result in all five of your regular readers waxing nostalgic and swelling your inbox to unprecedented volumes today. I’d assumed that Shoot was shot long ago, but looking it up on this newfangled interweb thing, I see that it’s still available as an “interactive application.” Speaking of interactivity and applications that take ages to work and drain the activity at hand of all joy, I wonder if Paul Trevillion will rename his You Are The Ref comic strip to Oh No You Don’t, Ref for the VAR era?” – Justin Kavanagh.

“I noticed during the Leeds-Forest game on Saturday there were an unusually high number of ex-Boro players. That may explain why all three of those clubs are still in the Championship” – Dan Taylor.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day prize is … Gerry Rickard of 50 Years of Shoot! We have more to give away, so get scribbling.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Bury’s home match against Gillingham has been suspended after owner Steve Dale failed to provide the Football League with evidence of the club’s financial viability.

Bayern boss Niko Kovac wants critics of new signing Ivan Perisic to show his rippling abs some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. “Stefan Effenberg joined Bayern at the age of 30 and won the [Big Cup] with the club,” he fumed. “This debate is basically wrong. Every player deserves some respect.”

Ivan Perisic earning some respect, earlier. Photograph: M Donato/Getty Images for FC Bayern

Super Frankie Lampard has offered some riveting insight into his not-so-super Chelsea side’s chances of Super Pot success against Liverpool. “Going up against the team with the quality of Liverpool in a final is as tense as finals can be,” he fretted. “You can lose finals; they’re very tough.”

Valencia will attempt to jump start Eliaquim Mangala’s career after agreeing a deal with Manchester City for the treatment room-hogging defender who cost them £32m five years ago.

And Wilfried Bony, who was another Manchester City star buy at £28m five years ago, is training with League Two Newport County. “[He has] excellent work ethic, professionalism and standards,” cheered manager Mike Flynn, as he took a selfie with the striker.

STILL WANT MORE?

Maryam Shojaei, brother of Iran international Masoud Shojaei, is stepping up the campaign for women to be allowed into stadiums in her home country. Suzanne Wrack reports.

A unified mass protest movement against Mike Ashley has proven difficult to coordinate, but a few more bad results under Still Bernard Cribbins could change all that, reckons Louise Taylor.

José may scoff but football’s philosopher managers are here to stay, argues Jacob Steinberg, stroking his chin.

VAR: the opening-weekend verdict – Paul MacInnes sifts the evidence

And Frank de Boer has done some opinions on equal pay in football, his short spell at Crystal Palace and life at Atlanta United in the MLS in this chat with Chris Fuhrmeister.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

TROUBLE AT THE TEA POINT