Bodie Hodge of Answers in Genesis wants you to know that you’ve been talking about the book of Genesis all wrong. Heretics, every one of you.

The globe looks like it does today: This would specifically be before the Flood in Genesis 6–8. Leaving open evolutionary ideas Not including extinct creatures like dinosaurs on Day Six Putting modern variations of animals in the creation scene Drawing Adam and Eve with very light skin and blond hair and blue eyes Making an apple the fruit Having a serpent without some form of upright posture or appendages during the deception: Genesis 3:1 calls it a serpent Neglecting that God sacrificed animals to cover Adam and Eve When illustrating Cain and Abel, we often get the impression they were the only two kids Adam and Eve had at the time Ark looks like a bathtub with happy animals sticking out of it Not including dinosaurs and pterodactyls (e.g., dragons) on the Ark Putting too many individuals of a kind on the Ark Tower of Babel being rounded Tower of Babel reaches so high into the atmosphere that its top is covered with high cirrus clouds The Tower being only partially built (i.e., a foundation) Not using biblical dates Calling the accounts “stories” Don’t paraphrase the Bible—use a respectable translation Placing the Garden of Eden based on post-Flood geography

I particularly like #2 — don’t you dare include any ideas that might be interpreted as evolution — combined with #4 and #12, in which he complains about drawing modern animals on the Ark. There weren’t no lions and tigers on that there Ark, no sirree, they was the last common ancestors of modern lions and tigers.

#3 and #11 are the same. I guess Bodie was running out of original ideas for berating the readership, and recycled.

#7 is fun. There was a talking snake, but don’t you dare make the mistake of forgetting to include limbs on that snake. That would be ridiculous.

#5: But…but…I’ve been to the Creation “Museum”. I’ve seen their Aryan Barbie and Ken…I mean, Adam and Eve. Seriously, this is their idea of a multiracial primordial pair?

It is so nice of Answers in Genesis to tell us how to correctly interpret Bible stories — I mean, Bible facts — biblically. I have used their own guide to judge the latest Oglaf, and clearly, it is fully compatible with AiG’s Bible.

In fact, I suspect that Trudy Cooper used The Creation “Museum”‘s own diorama as a guide to drawing that.

I think Ken Ham and Bodie Hodge need to read through the entirety of the Oglaf archive to evaluate their Biblical authenticity.

I would like to be there when they do.