CLEVELAND—In a stunning revelation that upended all expectations about her disposition, sources confirmed Friday that 34-year-old Katie Lorenz was not nearly as jovial or lighthearted as the pom-pom on her winter hat would appear to suggest. “When I first saw that fuzzy round tuft sprouting from her hat, I got really excited because I assumed she was a free spirit like me—but it seems this particular dash of whimsy belies a deep seriousness in her nature,” said local man Ryan Sykes, who described how the initial enthusiasm he felt as he rushed over to say hello was quickly undercut by the woman’s sudden confusion and blank stare. “I smiled, pointing to her fun hat and then to my fun, bright-colored socks, but her only response was to say, ‘Do I know you?’ I have to be honest, if she’s not the spontaneous and quirky kind of woman the pom-pom would make you think she is, then wearing that hat is awfully misleading on her part.” At press time, Sykes had reportedly perked up again after noticing the sequins on Lorenz’s mittens.

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