Kacey Jordan fondly recalls the green crack pipe Charlie sucked before yesterday's hospitalization. Jesse James plans a trip to Israel. Katy Perry's diet "absolutely sucks." Leonardo DiCaprio whips his hair back and forth. TGIFriday gossip.

The official word on Charlie Sheen 's hospitalization: "Hernia" caused by "laughing too hard at the television from his home." "I'm not dying," Sheen announced, while Warner Brothers confirmed that Two and a Half Men will not slow its production schedule. Meanwhile, Kacey Jordan —the porn star who tweeted a picture of her crotch while at Charlie's house—describes the revelry that preceded the hospitalization: She arrived at Charlie's mansion and was greeted by several other girls. "He was like, 'you're the missing puzzle piece. I need a blonde.'" Kacey (above at right) was holding a bottle of vodka when Sheen "grabs it from my hands—and I love the guy, right?—grabs it, and chugs it in like three seconds, and is like 'Don't ever test me again.'" Eventually "it was too much, and that time of night, when everyone is too drunk." Time for bed? Time for "a phone call. For the drugs!" A man with a Gucci bag materializes and dumps "like, five eight-balls, huge, the size of my fist! We're talking, like, 20 grand of coke." Apparently crack was involved, too, but Kacey didn't seem to know what it was: "[Charlie] had this green pipe, it looked like a bong for weed, but then he took a chunk, because it was a rock? And he sliced it off, and he shoved it inside, and starts smoking it. Smoking the coke!" They really did watch TV. Mostly porn: "He has so much porn. A huge theater. I think that's all he does, sits there and watches porn." Charlie didn't have sex with anyone, just "sat there with his little green pipe, and smoked it." She hopes Charlie feels better soon, and in the meantime, check out her website, (NSFW) ClubKaceyJordan.com! She has already updated it to celebrate her rendezvous with Charlie: "Kacey Jordan is a $2 million dollar babe who could give anyone abdominal pains! Kacey Jordan could send anyone to hospital in that sexy nightie!" Just another magical night at Casa Sheen. [Extra, TMZ, TMZ, THR, TMZ, NSFW ClubKaceyJordan, images via ClubKaceyJordan.com and Getty]

's hospitalization: "Hernia" caused by "laughing too hard at the television from his home." "I'm not dying," Sheen announced, while Warner Brothers confirmed that Two and a Half Men will not slow its production schedule. Meanwhile, —the porn star who tweeted a picture of her crotch while at Charlie's house—describes the revelry that preceded the hospitalization: She arrived at Charlie's mansion and was greeted by several other girls. "He was like, 'you're the missing puzzle piece. I need a blonde.'" Kacey (above at right) was holding a bottle of vodka when Sheen "grabs it from my hands—and I love the guy, right?—grabs it, and chugs it in like three seconds, and is like 'Don't ever test me again.'" Eventually "it was too much, and that time of night, when everyone is too drunk." Time for bed? Time for "a phone call. For the drugs!" A man with a Gucci bag materializes and dumps "like, five eight-balls, huge, the size of my fist! We're talking, like, 20 grand of coke." Apparently crack was involved, too, but Kacey didn't seem to know what it was: "[Charlie] had this green pipe, it looked like a bong for weed, but then he took a chunk, because it was a rock? And he sliced it off, and he shoved it inside, and starts smoking it. Smoking the coke!" They really did watch TV. Mostly porn: "He has so much porn. A huge theater. I think that's all he does, sits there and watches porn." Charlie didn't have sex with anyone, just "sat there with his little green pipe, and smoked it." She hopes Charlie feels better soon, and in the meantime, check out her website, (NSFW) ClubKaceyJordan.com! She has already updated it to celebrate her rendezvous with Charlie: "Kacey Jordan is a $2 million dollar babe who could give anyone abdominal pains! Kacey Jordan could send anyone to hospital in that sexy nightie!" Just another magical night at Casa Sheen. [Extra, TMZ, TMZ, THR, TMZ, NSFW ClubKaceyJordan, images via ClubKaceyJordan.com and Getty] Lady Gaga and boyfriend Luc Carl went to a bowling alley and Gaga said she keeps having to shoot down engagement rumors, and Luc said she should just say they're engaged. World's most passive-aggressive marriage proposal? [Gatecrasher]

and boyfriend went to a bowling alley and Gaga said she keeps having to shoot down engagement rumors, and Luc said she should just say they're engaged. World's most passive-aggressive marriage proposal? [Gatecrasher] Noted Nazi hat enthusiast Jesse James is planning a trip to Israel. This should be interesting. Apparently an Israeli blacksmithing guru is going to teach him his craft. [Us]

is planning a trip to Israel. This should be interesting. Apparently an Israeli blacksmithing guru is going to teach him his craft. [Us] Katy Perry is "on a meal plan" and it "absolutely sucks." I feel you Katy, when I was in college, my meal plan only let me go to the crappy cafeterias. [Us]

is "on a meal plan" and it "absolutely sucks." I feel you Katy, when I was in college, my meal plan only let me go to the crappy cafeterias. [Us] Leonardo DiCaprio went clubbing and got down to Willow Smith 's "Whip My Hair" while simulanteously smoking a cigar. What a miraculous country we live in, that events like that can even happen. Oh, also, Chace Crawford was there. [People]

went clubbing and got down to 's "Whip My Hair" while simulanteously smoking a cigar. What a miraculous country we live in, that events like that can even happen. Oh, also, was there. [People] Piers Morgan made Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian stand next to giant cardboard cut-outs for a really awkward discussion about their breasts. Kim said hers are "completely 100 percent real," whereas Kourtney said, "These babies are not real. I used to make fun of [Kim] when we were little, and then I went and got surgery." What a charming coming-of-age story. [Us]

made and stand next to giant cardboard cut-outs for a really awkward discussion about their breasts. Kim said hers are "completely 100 percent real," whereas Kourtney said, "These babies are not real. I used to make fun of [Kim] when we were little, and then I went and got surgery." What a charming coming-of-age story. [Us] Rachel Zoe 's pregnancy cravings include "things that are tart, like strawberries and grapefruit." Christ, even her visceral instincts and low-calorie. [Us]

's pregnancy cravings include "things that are tart, like strawberries and grapefruit." Christ, even her visceral instincts and low-calorie. [Us] After a 7-month hiatus, 24-year-old Amanda Bynes has "unretired" from show business, and celebrated by returning to Twitter, where she proceeded to post sexy pictures she took in her bathroom with her iPhone. [@MsAmandaBynes via NYDN]

has "unretired" from show business, and celebrated by returning to Twitter, where she proceeded to post sexy pictures she took in her bathroom with her iPhone. [@MsAmandaBynes via NYDN] Demi Moore insisted on wearing stiletto books around Sundance, and when it started to show she slipped and fell. Fashion-related schadenfreude all around. [NYDN]