Complexities and Cautions

Ask nearly anyone: They’ll say they would speak up if they thought a child was being sexually used or abused. Many are certain they’d recognize exploitive or abusive behavior if it were happening. Almost no one believes they would allow harmful sexual behavior to continue if they knew for sure that it was going on.

And yet, the sad truth: Millions of children have unwanted or abusive sexual experiences. Many of them believe, correctly, that someone else knows or should know about their situation, but does little or nothing to protect them. Some tell adults what’s going on, seeking protection and help, only to be met with disbelief, denial, blame, or even punishment. How can that be?

When you’re the one who has been hurt in this way (or someone who cares about a child who has), it’s hard to imagine that there can be any “good reason” for failing to protect a vulnerable child. You may feel doubly betrayed by someone’s failure to help. You were in danger, someone could have protected you and chose not to…period. No excuses or rationalizations for their failure seem acceptable.

Also, some people actually feel more anger toward a non-abusive adult who didn’t speak up than toward the person who actually hurt them. They may have expected the worst of the abuser, who was clearly deeply disturbed or had little or no concern for others, but expected better from someone who was otherwise mostly caring and worthy of trust. This anger at the person who failed to protect may be especially strong while unwanted or abusive sexual experiences are happening, or as one begins coming to grips with the consequences. But it can last for decades.

We totally understand. We are not trying to “excuse” anyone. We are not trying to convince you of anything. We are just offering some perspectives and information based on decades of experience and research on how people can become “bystanders” who fail to protect others from harm, including children who are being sexually used or abused.

A time may have come, or may come, when you really want to understand: Why did [whoever it was], who could have protected me – could have stopped it – remain silent and do nothing, even when the evidence was clear?

We’re not asking you to stop feeling angry.

Maybe answering these questions feels like an important part of your healing process. Maybe you want to reconnect with someone who did not protect you, and hope to prepare yourself by trying to understand why and how they may understand or justify their response (or lack of one). Maybe you want to wrap up some loose ends in your own mind, so you can let go and move on from a relationship with someone who failed you when you needed them most. Whatever your reasons for wanting to know, there is no simple answer to the question. And again, gaining understanding does not mean having to give up your anger or disappointment toward the person before you’re good and ready, if ever. With these complexities and cautions in mind, we offer the following perspectives and information. Most important, it’s helpful to remember that the people children look to for protection are – like all of us – imperfect and complicated individuals. They have very real limitations, including thinking that’s distorted by hopes, fears and misunderstandings. What you legitimately experienced as a betrayal may have been the best they could do at the time. That doesn’t make it OK, just tragically human and real. As difficult as it may be to accept, there are many genuine, compelling reasons that it can be challenging for adults – even otherwise loving and caring adults – to take protective action, or even to notice, when children are being sexually used or abused, or at risk of being harmed in that way. These reasons or causes include: Overwhelming feelings (like fear, anger, or shame) caused by just thinking about the sexual abuse of children.

(like fear, anger, or shame) caused by just thinking about the sexual abuse of children. Confusion caused by incorrect stereotypes about what kinds of people sexually use and abuse children.

caused by incorrect stereotypes about what kinds of people sexually use and abuse children. Physical, emotional, and financial dependency on an individual or group that would be lost (for oneself and the family) if such concerns are raised

on an individual or group that would be lost (for oneself and the family) if such concerns are raised Self doubts of various kinds (e.g., “I’m paranoid.” “What if I’m wrong?” “It’s none of my business.”).

of various kinds (e.g., “I’m paranoid.” “What if I’m wrong?” “It’s none of my business.”). Fears of various consequences (e.g., of acknowledging betrayal by a trusted and respected person, of being wrong, of being right). For these and many other reasons (explored in detail below), even when an adult knows about such behavior, he or she may not speak up, or may even tell the child to keep quiet. Also, if the child’s distress or any harm seems minor or absent, a tragic calculation may take place: the immediate costs of confronting the situation seem greater than the imagined long-term costs of looking the other way.

Whatever your reasons for wanting to know, there is no simple answer.