WASHINGTON (CBSDC) — Redskins fans have dreaded the offseason since 1999 when Dan Snyder first came to town and began playing fantasy football with our beloved franchise.

Tremendous failures for the 10 seasons that followed have led to much quieter offseasons around these parts.

The Offseason Championship belt has long-deserved a new owner and it has finally found a worthy home—wrapped snuggly around the waist of the portly cherub who is driving everyone insane in the City of Brotherly Love.

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Thank you, Chip Kelly.

By the time this letter reaches you, you’ll have made five more mystifying moves. I hope you will accept this letter as preemptive gratitude from all NFL fans.

No one is quite sure if you are a genius or a fool at this point, but we are all certain that you are a maniac—and we can’t take our eyes off of you. You are the villain America never knew it needed. You treat the media and anyone who second-guesses you like scum. Your press conferences belong on pay-per-view.

You don’t like your GM? Run him out of town! I am the GM now. Best running back in football wants a contract extension? F&%$ him! He gone. Guy doesn’t throw out his K-cup when he’s done with the office Keurig? Put his head on the goalpost! Any other questions, idiots?!

You are the belle of the ball, Chip. On a day where the juggernaut Seahawks added the best tight end in the NFC, you still managed to become the No. 1 story. A throng of young players retiring—which should be a huge story—was also buried in the headlines thanks to your furious wheeling and dealing. When 26- and 27-year-olds start walking away from millions of dollars, it’s probably a sign of something worth closer examination—oh never mind, look!! Chip Kelly is doing wacky stuff!

Thank you for baffling the media and then spitting in their faces when they ask for clarity. I thought you were going to hit someone with a chair today when someone asked you why you had traded for Sam Bradford.

I hope you never stop lying to us, Chip. I love it. Just over a year ago you said that Foles would be the starting quarterback for the Eagles for the next 1000 games.

Today you claimed that you were already offered a first-round pick for Sam Bradford—in the 12-hour window that he has been on your team. I’m sure those pea-brained simpletons in St. Louis were too busy learning to tie their shoes to pick up the phone and get the same deal from this Bradford-seeking team.

Now you are no longer interested in Marcus Mariota. Or are you? Chip, you devil! You’ve now dragged the Redskins into your sick world of smoke and mirrors. Now we all have to pretend that the Redskins are really considering drafting Mariota with the 5th pick next month. The Skins are now locked into a heads up game of Russian roulette with Chip “Big Stones” Kelly; I will avert my eyes and pray for mercy.

Everyone in the NFL is on tilt thanks to you, Chip.

“What are the Eagles doing?” is now a predictive Google search.

You are treating free agency like you binge-watched House of Cards all weekend—the Machiavellian Frank Underwood has nothing on you. I bet you turned to a non-existent camera when the news broke on the Foles trade and said, “I told you they’d doubt me. Don’t they realize I am three steps ahead of them? These people don’t know what they are up against.”

Thank you for becoming the circus. That used to be our job. Your genius has pushed the Redskins’ incompetence below the fold, and for that I am thankful.

Thank you for giving Byron Maxwell $60M so we didn’t have to. Thank you for re-signing Butt Fumble so he didn’t become our next QB/punchline.

Sure our current quarterback is basically Geno Smith with a Subway deal, but our front office will soon admit that fact and we will move on.

Don’t listen when they compare you to Steve Spurrier, Chip. You’re nothing alike. Forcing professionals to adapt to a college style game, and lifestyle, has never been done like this. Besides, you’ve cut and traded away more talent than Spurrier ever had to work with. Discarding all of your weapons just shows everyone how dangerous you are. No one can stop you. By the way, thanks for DeSean Jackson.

Despite the differences between you and Spurrier, the one thing that you will have in common, eventually, is that the lasting effects of your actions will be felt by your franchise for years to come.

I don’t think you’re a racist, Chip. You are a madman who hates everyone and doesn’t waste time thinking about silly things like consequences, but I don’t think that makes you a racist. Steve A. Smith has made a successful career drumming up controversy over trivial facts. His relevance is based on being a blowhard. Don’t let it bother you. Frank Gore reversing his decision to come to Philly is because he heard you were a megalomaniac, not because you are a racist.

Lastly, thank you for driving Philadelphia insane, Chip. You are a braver man than most. Messing around with the emotions of Philadelphia fans is equivalent to juggling bottles of acid on a high wire. You won their trust by making the playoffs in your first season, but now are playing God with the most fickle fan base in all of sports, and they love their Iggs. They booed Santa Claus, but I’m sure you will be fine.

Philadelphia already has a mad scientist running their NBA team into the ground; trust me, they can’t take the same thing happening to their beloved Eagles. I must warn you, buddy, these fans aren’t buying in on Sam Bradford. If that poor fella is still on your team when the dust settles, he could take the field in a Ron Jaworski jersey and he will still be pelted with batteries at the first sign of imperfection.

Right now, we are all just struggling to catch up to your genius, Chip. Please don’t wait for us. You keep it crazy and we will stay tuned in.

Thank you for entertaining us, Chip.

Follow Patrick’s satire on Twitter @RubGun and send your e-mail, questions and topic suggestions to cannon1067@gmail.com.