Someone asked me today, “What do you think is the most important thing to know about [polyamory] going into it?"

My personal Rule #1 about polyamory is the same as it is for anal sex, sandwich baggies, and underwear. IF IT DON'T FIT; DON'T FORCE IT!!! I mean, there are more ways to do most things than we usually think of right away, but it’s important to know if this is just not your FLAVOR of polyamory or if it’s polyamory itself that is truly not your deal. It's YOUR relationship. You can tweak it and adjust it and open it and close it as much as you want. There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it.

Other things I think it is key to be mindful of:

• If you’re already monogamously partnered, then a lot of discussion has to happen WITH THE LIGHTS ON. If you cannot communicate openly and honestly about the concerns you CAN identify in the light of day, then there’s NO WAY you’re going to be able to address the needling (Mmm! Needles!) little demons that are waiting to poke at you when you’re alone with your thoughts. And I ASSURE you that at some point, this WILL happen, because:

• You are going to witness your beloved saying endearing things to another. And they may well be things you’ve never had said to you. Pick something simple… “Your hands are so graceful. You move them like a dancer.” It’s easy to get caught up in thinking a compliment TO the other is equal to having been found lacking in some way. I urge people thinking of poly to REALLY practice hearing those things for what they are: appreciation for someone’s uniqueness. We all want to be appreciated for the things that make us special. It doesn’t take away from anyone else.

• If you’ve been monogamous up until now and you decide that you’re going to cross the line into polyamory together, then you have to prepare yourself for the strong possibility that you are about to see your partner more turned on than you have since you started dating. The best behavior is going to come out if there is an attraction. And it should! If we’re looking for potential family or partners we all put our best face forward. It’s how we attract others we find fancy!

• Seeing your beloved cuddle another person is often a sign that things are going well! If I come home and my wife and hubby are holding hands and snuggling on the couch, that’s a good day in my world. It means everyone is getting along. HAPPY FEET!

• The actual FUCKING is something you CANNOT UN-SEE!! Once you see your beloved fucking someone else, there it is. In your head. Forever. Personally, that’s my favorite porn, and I have a GREAT stash of it in my mental spank-bank. Again, if this is new, you are going to see each other COME HARDER than you have in years. I like this. I want my loved ones to have AWESOME sex. Hey! I want to have AWESOME sex!

• The person your beloved chooses may very well look or act or react very opposite of you. I like this, really. To me it means that I’m individually appreciated. If our strengths complement each other, then we all win, right? I like it!

• The person your beloved chooses may very well look or act or react a LOT like you. This is cool, too. Hey, I dig you SO MUCH that when I realized you had this similar energy, I wanted more. It makes me happy. That seems like a really good thing to me.

• You’re going to have to OVER-COMMUNICATE. There’s no other way to make sure everyone who needs to know actually gets the information, and that extends from lunch plans to feelings of insecurity, vulnerability and fear. Being open like that can leave you stripped bare, and poly means you either have to do it more than once or do it when you’re all together. It’s amazing how quickly we feel exposed even when we love the others dearly. It must be done, though, at least until we learn to read minds.

• A lot of other people are not going to take your relationship seriously for a while. My triad was together for years before people outside of the kink/poly community REALLY believed we were serious. When we actually bought a house, that did it, but it’s FRUSTRATING having people ask you if you’re “still with your roommates” after year 5.

• It’s a LOT of work, but you get more back than you’d ever imagine. I know this is not for everyone, and I have every respect for that, but I cannot imagine my life any other way. I feel lucky and blessed every day and I have often been amazed at how easy this feels most of the time.

This is hardly an exhaustive list, but I find them important things to really consider carefully if you ever find yourself mulling over whether or not there is a flavor of polyamory that is right for you.