The following tweet hit the web this morning.

BREAKING: Johnny Manziel sued for sexual harassment; plaintiff seeks $25 million http://t.co/ryvNDzPiHf — Darren Heitner (@DarrenHeitner) May 23, 2014

The plaintiff’s name is Samantha Schacher, and if you believe everything she claims in this lawsuit, then Johnny Manziel is guilty of the following:

• perpetually and egregiously harassing Ms. Schacher while at Texas A&M

• having a 4.5-inch dick, which he is very proud of

• sending Ms. Schacher numerous photos of his dick

• sending Ms. Schacher a photo of his dick placed inside a hot dog bun and calling it a Vienna sausage

• sending Ms. Schacher a photo of his erect dick next to a ruler, showing a measurement of 4.5 inches with the caption “You know you want me, Samantha”

• wanting to have a threesome with Dr. Drew.

• admitting to taking steroids and lifting weights

• possessing and sharing a photo of Jadeveon Clowney’s 9-inch penis, and referring to it as a “monster”

• smoking pot in the locker room before games while Skyping with Ms. Schacher

• receiving inappropriate benefits from the A&M coaching staff

• cheating on college exams

• trying to convince Ms. Schacher to strip for him and Lebron at Lebron’s “crib”

• wanting to get penis enlargement surgery so he can be Ms. Schacher’s “Long John Silver”

Samantha Schacher seeks $25,000,000 in punitive damages and a restraining order against Manziel. It’s all in the below document, which has officially been filed with the United States District Court.

Look, the bitch is crazy, right? Or maybe she’s a hilarious genius that played this thing perfectly–making the claims so outrageous that no one believes them, yet so funny that everyone reads them anyway. You can’t deny she’s got talent. A threesome with Dr. Fucking Drew? That’s gold.