Tommy John Surgery, “Hey, has anyone seen Billy Wagner’s arm?” All Pitcher Arms ignore Tommy John Surgery as they continue to read Men’s Fitness Magazine. Tommy John Surgery, “Well, it’s important he gets this message. His arm’s not going to get better without me.” Other Pitcher Arms whistle. Tommy John Surgery, “I will not be ignored!” Then Tommy John Surgery boiled Billy Wagner’s Arm’s Rabbit and followed his kid to a local carnival. Now it looks like Billy Wagner’s career is in danger. Ayala should continue to get the bulk of the saves, but always keep this in mind, Ayala is just not that good. Even in keeper leagues, drop Wagner. He’s no good to you anymore, Tommy John Surgery came calling. Next year, the Mets will probably look to make Francisco Rodriguez the highest paid closer in baseball. Hey, I wonder if Tommy John Surgery and K-Rod were working together? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – Out until the weekend with a strained quad. A B.J. quad strain is blue balls, no?

Emmanuel Burriss – For those who just lost Upton. Burriss got a steal yesterday. He might get 3+ steals this week. In all of my H2H leagues, I’m currently starting him. He goes from the Diamondbacks to the Padres later in the week. I could steal against the Padres; I’m not fast. (UPDATE: He was injured yesterday and is no longer a replacement option for Upton.)

Jack Wilson – Might be out for the season with a hairline fracture in his right index finger. Before you throw in the towel because you’ve lost Jack Wilson, take comfort in knowing you don’t own him on any team.

Tim Lincecum – 8.1 IP, 1 ER, 9 K and 126 pitches. I hope his innings/pitches this year don’t catch up to him next year. I do, because I think Lincecum could be special. With that said, why can’t these schmohawks limit him to 100 pitches when he’s up six runs? How much evidence do you need that high pitch counts lead to injuries? If you were making a run for the pennant, would you let him throw 180 pitches? Inconceivable!

Gary Sheffield – 2 HRs. Afterward Sheff said, “Sheff tried to hit the white off the baseball.”

Jon Lester – 7.2 IP, 9 Ks, 0 ER. Looks like Lester didn’t ask Make-A-Wish for just a no-hitter, but a whole season of productivity.

Jeremy Guthrie – Not pitching tomorrow because he has the “flu.” That’s short for he has a crapload of innings on his arm. If you’re still waiting around for him in leagues, I wouldn’t anymore.

Kevin Gregg – Will return on Tuesday and Fredi Gonzalez said he’ll continue to use Matt Lindstrom as the closer. Why? Because Gonzalez is in a H2H matchup and he owns Lindstrom, obviously.

Dave Bush – 8 IP, 2 ER. It’s only fitting that Bush comes right before Wood.

Brandon Wood – 2 HRs. I told you to pickup Brandon Wood on Friday, since then he has three HRs.

Yusmeiro Petit – 2 2/3 innings and 5 ER. And we might see Jobacum again after all. (Yes, Jobacum just came after Bush and Wood. And that’s how you make a triple-decker double entendre sandwich.)

Matt Antonelli – 1-for-21 since being called up. Don’t worry, Padres. You still have the future promise of Khalil Greene.

Albert Pujols – Said he’s considering Tommy John surgery in the offseason. Wasn’t Wagner enough for you, you monster?!