I hate the New York Jets.

I hate how they eat hot dogs on the sideline and act like them on the field. Hate their player-tripping coaches and their ego-tripping players. Hate the gasbag who leads them, Rex Ryan, a man who had lap-band surgery last offseason but should've had lip-band surgery instead.

I love the New York Jets.

I love the way they knock King Kongs off their Empire State Buildings and laugh as they fall. I love their wig-wearing, fun-loving, foot-nuzzling head coach, Rex Ryan. I love the way he takes the pressure off of his players and piles it on himself. It's personal between him and me -- he fills my notebook with hilarity. I love the way he barrels into the end zone after a touchdown looking for somebody to hug. Can you imagine what Ryan would do on Super Bowl media day? Can you say, "Meat dress?"

“ I hate the Jets because they have the same respect for people as tornados have for furniture. ... I love the Jets because if they beat Pittsburgh at Heinz Field, it will be the greatest road campaign since Genghis Khan. ”

I hate the New York Jets.

I hate the way they set up straw men and dance when they knock them down. "Nobody believed in us," they whine. Really? Who didn't believe in you? Bigfoot? You were in the AFC Championship Game last year! Sell it somewhere else.

I love the New York Jets.

I love them because this is a team with more good stories than Barnes & Noble. It's a career rehab center. LaDainian Tomlinson, released by the San Diego Chargers one season ago, is on the doorstep of a Super Bowl now. Jason Taylor has a chance to finally go to a big dance, where you don't need votes to win. Braylon Edwards, given up for useless in Cleveland, is a monster for Gang Green. Who will they sign next? Refrigerator Perry?

I hate the Jets because Ryan begs us to. "I want to be that team you hate," he says. Check! It's easy with guys like Edwards, who was busted for DWI, and Santonio Holmes, suspended this year for violating the league substance abuse policy, and Antonio Cromartie, who has nine kids (all 5 years old and younger) by eight different women in six states. Cromartie is the guy who called Tom Brady an "ass----." Curious word coming from somebody who has left kids all over America with no dad.

I love the Jets because they're led by an Abercrombie & Fitch quarterback who is getting better by the snap. Son of a fireman and polite as an Eagle Scout, he's already won four road playoff games, a feat only accomplished by three other QBs, including Roger Staubach. He is the Latino Joe Namath -- only maybe better. His playoff QB rating is almost 40 points higher than Broadway Joe's. And Manhattan Mark stayed out until 3:30 a.m. the other night, so he's learning.

I hate the New York Jets because they have the same respect for people as tornadoes have for furniture. From harassing female TV reporters (Ines Sainz) to kneeing opponents' punt gunners (coach Sal Alosi) to rubbing victories in with postgame backflips (Edwards), the Jets could make you root for the dogcatcher.