Russian President and part time house elf Vladimir Putin has today secured a stunning fourth term as President, a record unmatched in Russia since Stalin did away with the pageantry of staged elections in 1937. Taking to the stage to thank his supporters this evening, Putin glowered warmly at the crowd, telling them through tears of joy that if this election had proved anything, it’s that all who oppose him will die a slow and painful death.

Putin’s camp had initially looked to be in for a beating at the polls, with RT reporting the President’s approval rating had dropped to a crushing 110% in the weeks leading up to the election. However in a surprise last minute save for Putin and his party, the opposition were declared enemies of the state and executed by the government, helping to secure a victory from the jaws of a slightly lesser victory.

The “Vlad 2018” campaign say they’re not surprised their message resonated with voters, and have put their record breaking win down to their party’s ever reliable platform of promising fairer taxes, better roads, and to brutally beat anyone who dares to vote for the opposition.

Putin has already received many warm congratulations for his victory from leaders around the world, from the Chinese President, who congratulated him on still putting up with the farce of democracy, to British Prime Minister May who told him to “savor every moment as if it were his last”, to American President Donald Trump who denied ever having heard of Putin.

Putin is said to be holding a small private election celebration tonight with the oligarch donors who backed his campaign, before their impending execution as enemies of the state early tomorrow morning.

Other candidates for the election could not be contacted for this piece, on account of having taken a holiday to Siberia for the next six to twelve years.