Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has long been suspected of being a fake Christian for personal, political gain, and he made some eyebrow-raising remarks at a prayer breakfast event he attended this morning sponsored by a Florida-based evangelical organization called “Jesus Was The First American.”

“I just love, love, love Jesus Christ,” said Trump, delivering a short address to the congregation members. “I pray to him all the time. I’m actually one of the best prayers. A lot of people don’t know this, but Mike Pence actually gets annoyed with how much I pray. Sometimes we’ll pray together, and he’ll go for a solid five minutes or so, but not me. I just keep going and going. Eventually he gets jealous of me, and tells me he can’t believe how long I can pray. He says I may be the biggest Christian of all time. Maybe I am, who knows?”

Trump then put his hands together, as if praying.

“I have a secret,” Trump continued. “I don’t actually do all the talking. I let Jesus do the talking. He comes to me, often looking for advice about life or business. He’s a big fan of Art of the Deal. I don’t think the Bible even spent so many weeks at the top of the New York Times best-seller list as I did. Let me tell you, Jesus loves President Trump. He can’t believe how much winning America is doing. Jesus tells me, ‘Mr. Trump, you have to slow down with all the winning, or there won’t be any left for me when I come back to Earth.’ Maybe I’ll save Jesus some winning, what do you think? Should I? Should I save some winning for Jesus? Great guy. Jesus is 100% behind my trade wars. Oh, by the way, Jesus told me to tell all of you not to worry about the tariffs against China. He said that, even if Americans actually have to pay all the tariffs, he’ll make sure the Chinese pay in the afterlife. So the farmers don’t have to worry about China not buying their soybeans anymore. Jesus will buy all their soybeans in Heaven. Same thing about the wall. He said he’d make sure the Mexicans pay in Heaven… or Hell. Maybe they’ll pay from down there. Who knows? And Jesus said don’t worry about my tax returns. He said everyone will be able to see them in Heaven, so don’t worry about looking into them now. And Jesus promised John Bolton will testify in Heaven as well. Jesus is very serious about all this. He said if you investigate President Trump, bad things will happen. Very bad things. You hear that, Democrats? Jesus does not want you to subpoena John Bolton, or anyone else. I’d listen to Jesus if I was Nancy Pelosi. Just saying. So yeah, thanks to everyone for coming to this prayer breakfast. And don’t forget to pray for me by donating money to the RNC. It gets expensive for Republicans to host parties and events at my properties, you know? And it’s not cheap buying a bunch of copies of Don Jr.’s new book. So if you want to see me keep winning for America, make sure that some of your cash makes its way to my bank account! Jesus will reward you some day!”

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