by

THE ASS PRESS

POSTED: 04/24/2012 6:00:47 PM PDT

Virginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming out for a while. I thought god would strike me down if I did. Then when I finally announced the news, nothing happened. God must still love me. I encourage all of the other confused souls out there to come out with me and be your true selves. God will still love you, I promise.”

52-year-old Paul Horner who is a member of the choir group for Robertson’s congregation said, “We always knew he was gay. He would take these long vacations and cruises with his ‘friend’ Manual. Also at work instead of the normal ‘casual Friday’, he would call it ‘fabulous Friday’. Plus no one can spew that much hate towards gay people without actually being gay themselves.”

Robertson told reporters, “I know I’ve said a lot of hurtful, mean and evil things to the gay community in the past and for that I’m truly sorry. My hatred of gays was just me being mad at myself.” Robertson continued, “I didn’t know if I was actually gay for a long time. I was afraid to be who I really was. Then I started having feelings for the young Brazilian boy that I had been sleeping with and that’s when I knew.”

“Growing up I always knew he was gay,” Robertson’s youngest daughter Laura Robertson said. “He always had his ‘friend’ Glenn over and they were always hanging out in the guest house. They would stay out there for days, we would never see them. My dad would tell me they were just writing new sermons or something, but I knew. We all knew.”

“I always knew he was gay,” Pat Robertson’s wife of 48 years Sheila Robertson said. “During sex he would sometimes have me dress up as a construction worker and talk in a deep voice. It was really weird, but hey, the congregation made Pat and I a lot of money. It bought us a lot of nice things, so I just kind of went with it and didn’t ask any questions.”

“My wife and I always knew he was gay,” Ben Jenkins who was a neighbor of Pat Robertson for twenty years said. “We would always see young men coming and going from his house at weird hours of the night. Also one time he asked me if I was into men and when I said no he grabbed my hand and tried putting it on his private area. He then pulled down his pants and showed me a tattoo on his left butt cheek with my name right below an image of Jesus. Plus I get a dozen roses from him every Valentine’s Day, so yeah.”

During Robertson’s coming out sermon this weekend he laid out an action plan of new changes for his congregation:

Gay toy drives

More ‘fabulous’ decorations for the church

Food drives for the gay homeless

‘Gay Marriage Wednesday’, as Pat calls it. He says he’ll be overseeing weddings for gay men and woman in the area free of charge

Instead of the red wine that is typically used at his sermons, Pat says now they’ll be using Chardonnay

Changing the word ‘congregation’ to ‘congregaytion’

Robertson was asked what he’s going to do now after coming out of the closet, “I’m excited for the future,” he said. “First of all I’m shutting down my gay-to-straight conversion summer camps. I’m closing them and re-opening them as places that encourage one’s true sexuality. I’m renaming one of my biggest camps from ‘Camp Old Testament’ and changing it to ‘Camp Come-Out’.” Robertson finished his sermon by saying, “I can’t wait to get with more dudes, Amen.”