Kevin: A couple of weeks ago CJ and I reviewed “Avengers: Infinity War,” and we found ourselves surprisingly amenable to Thanos’ desire to wipe out a good chunk of humanity after sitting next to the world’s most annoying Marvel fan. After nearly three hours of having to endure this insane woman’s loud commentary on the action unfolding on the screen, inability to sit still in her seat for more than two seconds, extreme gasping and general overreaction to anything slightly noteworthy that occurred, and the fact that she cried uncontrollably when FUCKING LOKI died, we figured we’d never again come across someone so annoying in a movie theater again.

That may be put to the test though if we ever see a movie with Oscar nominee Greta Gerwig, who thanks to social media has been outed as possibly the world’s most obnoxious theatergoer.

Now you probably know Gerwig best as a darling of the indie film world, both for her work as an actress in films with insufferably twee titles like “Frances Ha” and “Lola Versus,” and as the writer-director of last year’s critically acclaimed “Lady Bird.” If you are a bearded hipster film geek then you also probably know Gerwig from your fantasies in which the two of you check out the latest “challenging” (i.e. bad) Steven Soderberg movie before spending the rest of the evening discussing her uncompromising artistic vision and the fact that she would never sell out (except for that time she was going to star in a “How I Met Your Mother” spin-off that never made it to air). What you probably didn’t know about Gerwig is that she has truly shitty movie theater etiquette, at least according to the Twitter account belonging to Jaye Hunt (@hayejunt).

Now as with any story that involves annoying people and horrible art, obviously Amy Schumer is involved here. Apparently Miss Hunt was checking out a mid-day showing of Schumer’s recent film “I Feel Pretty,” but while she may have just expected to watch a bad Amy Schumer movie and return home to her cat (and no I’m not engaging in stereotypes, she has a lot of pictures of her cat on her Twitter), who would have chosen to sit in front of her but … actually I’ll just let Hunt’s tweets tell the rest of the story, along with some thoughts of my own:

just putting it out into the universe that I would love a biography of or biopic about (preferably both) Charlotte Osgood Mason before trump kills us all

Oh wait, that has nothing to do with this, but it was her last tweet before going into the theater. If you are as ignorant of Charlotte Osgood Mason as I was, here is literally all they have on Wikipedia about her:

Mason was born in Franklin Park, New Jersey on May 18, 1854[2] to Peter Quick and Phoebe Van der Veer. She was brought up by her maternal grandfather, Schenck Van der Veer, whose last name she took.[3] She married Rufus Osgood Mason on April 27, 1886.[4] She came from a rich family and her wealth increased after the death of her husband Rufus Osgood Mason. She used her wealth to support artists such as Zora Neale Hurston, Aaron Douglas, Langston Hughes, Arthur Fauset, and Miguel Covarrubias of theHarlem Renaissance.[5]

So yeah, I’m as shocked as Hunt is that Hollywood and the publishing world hasn’t done anything with this blockbuster life story. I know she said she would prefer BOTH a biography and a biopic, but would a three-hour, Spielberg-directed, Best Picture winner starring Reese Witherspoon be good enough even if we don’t get an accompanying 1,200-word book? Either way, I get the feeling Hunt ends a lot of her tweets with the phrase “before Trump kills us all.”

um I’m in a movie theater about to see I feel pretty alone and greta gerwig just walked in and sat down in front of me

Okay, now we are back to the real-life drama that’s about to unfold in the theater as Amy Schumer’s crappy fake drama is unfolding on screen.

I SCREAMED WHEN THE MAMMA MIA!: HERE WE GO AGAIN TRAILER CAME ON AND SHE LOOKED AT ME. SORRY GRETA YOU’RE IN A HOUSEHOLD THAT LOVES ABBA

I’d probably scream when the “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” trailer came on as well, but for different reasons. Either way, I know you are as shocked as I am that someone who screams out loud in a virtually empty theater over a trailer that involves ABBA is seeing a movie alone. Also, did I mention she has a cat?

her friends keep coming in to join her and I’m terrified that saoirse is on her way

I’m assuming she means “Lady Bird” star Saoirse Ronan, unless Gerwig is friends with multiple people named Saoirse. Either way, why would she be terrified, does she owe her money or something?

she’s drinking the biggest movie theater soda I’ve ever seen!!!! I always thought no one ever ordered the extra large but GRETA GERWIG DOES

YASSS QUEEN, SLAY!

I’M CURRENTLY WATCHING GRETA GERWIG SEE THE BOOK CLUB TRAILER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON

What’s so hard to figure out? It’s a movie about a bunch of old women who use the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy to spice up their love lives, so if we follow this premise to its logical conclusion, that means Craig T. Nelson will be having anal sex with Mary Steenburgen in the film.

no one is sitting behind me so I might live tweet this experience

Spoiler alert: She totally live-tweets this experience.

full gasp from greta when emily ratajowski appeared. she’s a fan!

Hey, something she and I do have in common.

there was just a bit where a baby saw amy schumer and started crying and greta LOVED it. she was the only person here who laughed

I’m starting to wonder if Greta may have had a little help with “Lady Bird.”

“ugh” – greta at the end of the opening credits

Jesus these must have been some horrible opening credits. Or maybe she just at that moment realized she was watching an Amy Schumer movie?

I’m… not 100% sure why but greta is CACKLING at amy schumer falling off the soulcycle bike? she’s still laughing and it happened a full minute ago

JDDNALJDSLSOXNSLSOSJSLDODJALAOS SHE JUST LOUDLY POINTED OUT A PLOT HOLE AND SOMEONE SHUSHED HER

Not sure if Hunt had a stroke there for a second, but Gerwig apparently finally recovered from this soon-to-legendary SoulCycle gag to point out a plot hole. In an Amy Schumer comedy. In which her character hits her head and now believes she looks like a super model. Yeah glad you’re on the case Greta.

every time a song plays in this movie she dances along in her seat which is VERY relatable

Yes it’s very relatable, if you are a narcissistic attention hog. God I bet Gerwig’s friends hate her.

there’s a weird vaguely homophobic recurring thing about amy schumer’s love interest being kind of effeminate and greta is NOT having it!!! the only true ally

“I hate this” – full volume during a heterosexual love scene. honestly greta? Same

How not having of it is she though, I need to know more. Also, does Gerwig hate sex scenes in movies or heterosexual sex in general?

someone just fully left because of how loud she and her friends are being I’m CACKLING

Great, now that the only decent person in this whole story is gone can we launch an air strike on this theater and take out all of these assholes?

she’s checking her phone! greta if you see this don’t stop the commentary I love it

Jesus where is American hero Brandon Vezmar when you need him?

amy schumer entered in disguise and greta loudly went “oh my GOD” and scoffed. this is the dvd commentary this movie deserves

I’ll give her this much, this probably is the DVD commentary this movie deserves.

FULL VOLUME AT THE QUIETEST MOMENT OF THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE: “THIS MOVIE IS IN. COMP. RE. HENSIBLE.”

If she actually said it like that then Greta Gerwig may have gone from most annoying filmgoer to most annoying person on the planet.

amy schumer: “when we’re little girls–“ greta: “HEEEERE WE GO”

Hey Greta, since basic manners and public decorum are too much for you, how about a little respect for your fellow artist? I mean I know you are a critic’s darling because you wrote and directed a coming-of-age tale about a teenage girl (something we haven’t seen since, I don’t know, the previous year’s “Edge of Seventeen”) but considering you were gonna do “How I Met Your Father,” I’m gonna go out on limb and assume at least 75 percent of those episodes would have been worse than “I Feel Pretty.”

the end!!! honestly knowing academy award nominee greta gerwig is a loud movie talker is validating every time someone has shushed me at a movie

So this story ends with a narcissist who annoys everyone around her having her obnoxious behavior validated, what a happy ending! Honestly at this point I can’t tell who is worse, talking/texting/cackling Greta Gerwig or the woman behind her who looks at Gerwig as her movie theater spirit animal. Actually wait, Hunt had a few more tweets later on, and I’m sure these will show some mature self-reflection.

I have had to turn off my notifications but it’s amazing how many people in my mentions sit completely still and silent while watching a movie, and have never been excited to see a celebrity! I learn so much on twitter dot com

It’s really weird, I sat behind Mark Duplass, another talented indie filmmaker, on a flight last weekend, and yet even though I am a fan of his work I left alone him alone, didn’t immediately jump on social media to inform the world about his every move and utterance, and exhibited healthy social boundaries. So it can be done.

also if you really think anything I described is outlandishly rude I hope you do stay home and watch a dvd because those of us who see movies in theaters precisely because we enjoy a communal experience aren’t interested in you shushing us!

Man you have to love the “logic” here: if you are polite and considerate of others, you should be the one forced to watch movies in your living room so I can be free to treat the movie theater like my living room, whether everyone else likes it or not. Hey Miss Hunt, on behalf of all who find it increasingly harder to enjoy the moviegoing experience thanks to people like you, please just Netflix and chill from this point on.

And let me tell you what us non-assholes consider to be an ideal “communal experience” at the theater: showing our appreciation as a group for what is happening on screen by laughing/crying/applauding at moments where a normal human being with healthy social cues would recognize that as the correct response. What an ideal communal experience IS NOT is that same group being taken out of the experience because one douchebag sitting by themselves has to constantly draw attention away from the screen. I get the feeling Hunt is the kind of person who goes to comedy shows and thinks she’s “helping” the comedian by yelling shit from the audience.

At this point, I can’t tell which of these two I’d less rather see a movie with, but if you live in New York and are sitting down to watch “Mama Mia 2!” in a theater, leave immediately if you see Greta Gerwig walking in followed 10 paces behind by a woman furiously updating her Twitter. Actually just leave anyway, it’s “Mama Mia 2!,” what the fuck are you thinking?

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