I first heard about plugging in my early teens, when my old dealer told me that some of her more hardcore clients would stick straight up shards up their bum to get a more intense high. I didn’t know whether to think it was a joke; surely she must have been fucking around with me, or the poor girl was crazy. Being of 15 years old and just having bought my first vibrator that year, I was still not open to the concept of anything besides fecal matter being present in my anus.



At age 17, when I began attending rehabilitation meetings, I met a 40 year old WHITE GUY that claimed that not only could he control his ass muscles so well that he taught himself to smoke crack out of asshole, but that it was significantly more intense than smoking it orally. However, I dismissed his comments as worthless trite when he showed up to the next meeting with a red bandana reciting Tupac lyrics. When asked about the reason for this sudden change in his (ab)normal behavior, he responded with, “Cause both black and white is smokin’ ass-crack tonight..." Upon hearing such disgraceful slang at such a ripe young age, that was the turning point in my life where I swore to myself, “I will never stick a drug in my ass.”



Another two years passed, and I was 19 years old when a black homosexual man informed me that “Plugging is the next best thing to IV,” followed by “I know you’d like it girl, cause you’re SO fetch!” I don’t know what it was that made me believe the words of that lost lamb. Maybe it was the fact that he was a gay black tweaker. Maybe it was the fact that he resembled Dave Chapelle (who also coined one of my favorite phrases, "I Smoke Rocks"). Maybe it was the fact that he had incorporated Mean Girls’ slang into a part of his everyday life. Whatever it was, something inside of me (which I’m guessing was my sphincter) wanted to try it out. So after doing much research on this topic, I came to find that virtually any water soluble substance could be absorbed through the colon.



I had just bought twenty-five ecstasy pills that week and was discussing getting high through the back door route. My main worry was NOT whether it would be safe for me to do, but rather, the effectiveness of plugging. My worst fear would be that my bum would not absorb it and I would end up wasting an entire green Toyota, and I’d be forced to resort sticking my finger in to surf my butthole till I could fish it out. You see, I am a devout believer in the “PLUR” denomination, thus wasting a green Toyota would have been committing sacrilege…and if I’m considered a heathen amongst candy kids then I will be portrayed as a FOOL! A reject amongst rejects! Besides, my parents would disown me.



I’ve decided that I should first surprise my butt with a pop quiz: By using an Excedrin tablet first so that I would not waste an ecstasy pill in case it was not effective. Using lotion as lubrication (oil-based lubes will not be absorbed into the bloodstream, so that would lose a good portion of desired high), I stuck the entire Excedrin pill up there. Having never experienced anal penetration in my life, the stretch stung just a little, but no more than a big shit would. Of course, I didn’t have a headache at the time of this occurrence, and because Excedrin is not a recreational drug, there was only one way to tell whether my butt had digested its first pill: By digging for it myself.



I read from personal reports that effectiveness would take place around 10-15 minutes, so I went gold-digging half an hour later just to be on the safe side. What I didn’t know was that Excedrin has a very thick gel coating that takes a ridiculously long time to dissolve and be broken down, so my initial reaction post finger bang was something along the lines of, “Damn, that’s some anal leakage!” I was afraid to stick my finger back into “the abyss” till the next morning, and lo and behold, the magician had made the rabbit disappear!



Putting two and two together, I figured ecstasy would work just as much, so I stationed one green Toyota near my colon to commence “Operation Kaptain K: Bury the Treasure.” I was talking to a friend when the pill hit exactly 15 minutes later…and let me tell you, plugging 1 E pill is equivalent to eating 3 orally. I realized it hit when without thinking I blurted out with something along the lines of, “My asshole is a diamond that emits a faint scent of ambrosia, like a candle in the wind… Now that’s what I call suction, cause I’m a fucking fairy!” If that isn’t empirical evidence I’m rolling balls I don’t know what is.



When asked to analyze my first plugging experience by aforementioned friend, my immediate responses were, “I’M NEVER GOING TO EAT PILLS AGAIN!!!” and, “Once you bootybump, you open a door that can’t be shut, and that door just happens to be your back door.” I even took it as far as: “Sticking e up my ass is the smartest thing I've ever done.”



And it’s true…I have raised a monster. Sticking drugs in my a-hole, which was once an “exit only” road mind you, has opened my mind to the possibility of other adventures of grandeur. Since then, I have bootybumped every pill I have acquired (with exception of benzo’s), along with ketamine, opioids, crystal meth, cocaine, alcohol, and heroin (talk about giving new meaning to Prep H). I even tried bootybumping DXM cough syrup one time…as Crys-Tina Aguilera had once advised: “I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta plug me the right way.”



My favorite method is by mixing the solution with water first and then drawing it up with 2-3cc’s of water in a syringe (sans needle), as it takes only 5-10 minutes since the colon does not have to break it down. Sometimes, when I can feel the plunger going in my ass, I get aroused. Funny thing is, this only occurs with a hypodermic, as that is the only act of ass-play that I will accept as tolerable. God. I’m such a bootybumping junkie.



One time, when I foolishly used my ass as a vessel for contraband, the end result was that my bum had basically become the Dr. Jekyll version of me. For, not only did it get so “butt hungry” that it had ripped open the gram bag, it also ate the entire inside contents, twacking me out to epidemic proportions. Not only that, my parental guardian/unit brought me to the dentist that day, and I can safely conclude that that was the worst tweaking experience of my life. When they used the metal tool to clean my teeth, it was ALL over. The dentist knew I was wired.



Therefore, be warned about the potential dangers of the bootybump… The "DARK SIDE” of drug abuse! Ever since the star of my anus has collapsed and turned into a gaping black hole, it’s as if it has a life of its own. Whenever my lungs fail to function (AKA I smoke so much chemical I forget to take breaths in between and my lungs get meth freeze), I end up having to breathe through my colon, I begin fiending and shoot my daily coffee, OJ, milk, and other breakfast bits in there.



I've taken bootybumping to such an extreme, my friends have used the slang "Going through a K-hole" for taking shit. Already I have been nicknamed “Mistress K—Master of the Bootybump” and have received quotes of admiration such as, “I’m going to wait to bootybump till the Electric Daisy Carnival rave, so that I can tell people the MISTRESS was there my first time.”



Junkies ain’t got shit on me! I’m corrupting the youth of America. But hey, you learn, cause with experience comes wisdom; in fact, I have had three revelations within the past week about plugging. The first and foremost being that one can actually bootybump a LOT (think 100+mL) of water before it starts dripping out of your asshole. The second is that pushing the syringe in all the way is not necessary; merely sticking the tip in will suffice. The third is that some things simply aren’t meant to be bootybumped. Hard liquor is a prime example, as it will burn like a motherfuck.



Why hard liquor you ask? You see, to spare myself the pain of having to drink the liquor that is, in essence, the choice for alcohol hicks, I mixed a little over a shot with 0.3g’s of crystal death to bootybump. I basically raped my poop canal and ignored its repetitious cries of, “NO! NOT JIM BEAM!!!” and for what? All for the sake of being “spunk (spun drunk) in the trunk”—or so they call it at the gay bar. So in my drunken stupor I staggered around screaming oafishly, “I JUST BOOTYBUMPED JIM BEAM! MY MOM IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND I AM A HERMAPHRODITE! TOUCH ME!!!”



So kids, be responsible with plugging. Never share syringes with anybody, or one day you may be lying on your death bed taking your last breath of air, regretting you had ever started the dope game in the first place. Or you can be like me, and wish you had started the Art of Anal Administration sooner. Waiting till age 19 to start plugging is a burden I will have to carry with me until the day I steal Dignity from a Puerto Rican faux-ghetto tranny princess and he strangles me to death with his “abortion only” coat hanger. At least I rocked out with my cock out.