Lotus is to retain Pastor Maldonado for a third season, saying that they believe the Venezuelan driver remains ‘on the money’.

‘We know we can bank on Pastor,’ said a team spokesman. ‘We love his great yen to pound the track at the Euro races and his pace, oh, it’s top dollar.’

The team admits that Maldonado doesn’t always return the car in one piece but they are confident he can ‘keep it in check’.

‘Yes, Pastor has made the odd paying-in slip,’ our source admitted. ‘But in the end, he always delivers. Usually in a plain black briefcase.’

‘Of course there are critics who say we should let a younger, faster, less shitter driver have a go,’ our mole confessed. ‘But there are lots of reasons why Pastor should keep his seat. 20 or 30 million of them, in fact.’