…if you’re a fucking idiot, that is.

So, as I’m occasionally wont to do, I decided to check out the Craigslist ads to see if anything interesting was to be found in the “Writing Gigs” section. Why? Because it was either this or punch myself in the balls, and I’m still hoping I might get to use my balls at some point in the near future.

Anyway, I’m checking out the listings, when I happen across this bit of epic what-the-fuckery:

Looking for an Assistant Writer

Hello, I am a very serious and active writer. I am looking for an assistant writer to help come up with ideas and write a manuscript with. I am not necessarily picky and we would not be meeting often. Ideally I would like to have it written with-in a three month time span. That is A LOT of work/time and you would have to be just as dedicated as me. You must have email, have a phone with texting, and have credentials. The manuscript in itself should be 200-250 pages at least. I’m not looking for someone who necessarily is in or went to college…I need a creative and fresh mind. I need someone who can review their own work before sending it over to me to look at so I don’t have make too many changes or edits. This would be for someone who enjoys writing and would like to co-write. I will not be paying you during the writing period, but I do plan to reach a few publishing houses and if WE get published obviously you would get paid. I also have a self-publishing piece I’m working on now, so that is another route. If interested please reply to this email with a few fresh ideas, some samples of your personal work, authors you admire, books you like, and a little about you. Most of our contact will be made through email.

Thanks Again!

compensation: To be discusses upon publishing

Holy. Shit.

Let’s unpack this gem, why don’t we.

Hello, I am a very serious and active writer.

Sure you are, sport.

I am looking for an assistant writer to help come up with ideas and write a manuscript with.

Translation: “I’m looking for a sucker to do all the heavy lifting while I hang out at the coffee shop and tell everybody I’m a very serious and active writer.”

I am not necessarily picky and we would not be meeting often. Ideally I would like to have it written with-in a three month time span.

“I have no fucking clue what it is you’ll be writing, because like I just said, I need your help to come up with ideas. And shit. Oh, and write that mother fucker, why don’t you.”

That is A LOT of work/time and you would have to be just as dedicated as me.

“Compared to what I’ll be doing, which if it’s not coffee than it’s probably jacking off to some third-rate sex webcam site or playing Call of Duty.”

You must have email, have a phone with texting, and have credentials.

“And here’s a ring for your nose and a collar and leash that matches the upholstery in my Dodge Dart.”

The manuscript in itself should be 200-250 pages at least.

“But whatever, since I have no fucking clue what you’ll be writing. See previous sentences.”

I’m not looking for someone who necessarily is in or went to college…I need a creative and fresh mind. I need someone who can review their own work before sending it over to me to look at so I don’t have make too many changes or edits. This would be for someone who enjoys writing and would like to co-write.

“I need a self-starter who’s smart but not too smart, or at least not smart enough to see that I’m fucking them in the ass without lube until I’m done and back on the Xbox.”

I will not be paying you during the writing period, but I do plan to reach a few publishing houses and if WE get published obviously you would get paid.

“Isn’t that damned generous as fuck? Why aren’t you writing, yet?”

I also have a self-publishing piece I’m working on now, so that is another route.

“I call it Fifty-One Shades of Blue. It’s Smurf erotica. With vampires. And gladiatorial games modeled after Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders. Oh, and they’ll fight for cheese.”

If interested please reply to this email with a few fresh ideas, some samples of your personal work, authors you admire, books you like, and a little about you. Most of our contact will be made through email.

“And hurry up. I’ve got a bet with my buds on the bowling team that I can get at least five suckers to reply to this ad before we play the guys from Ed’s Garage on Thursday.”

Who actually comes up with shit like this, and thinks it’s an awesome idea?

There are ads like this all over the place. The people who post them are festering boils in the ass crack of the writing and publishing world. This person at least just appears to be working for himself/herself, rather than representing some bullshit website, blog, homegrown magazine, or whatever other fucking thing they dreamed up. The only reason ads like this persist is because somebody out there will see this as the dream writing job.

I don’t give a damn if Stephen King or J.K. Rowling or a porn star looking for someone to write their memoir is posting the ad. Don’t take a “job” or a “gig” where the other party doesn’t intend to pay you for your work. Ignore those sorts of ads, and remember this simple mantra when it comes to freelancing, be it writing or anything else: “Fuck you. Pay me.”