Loss is a natural part of our everyday lives, and there are many different kinds of loss. Loss of a job, loss of a friend who moves out of state, loss of a marriage through divorce or separation, loss of a child who goes away to school, loss of a sibling through marriage or moving away, loss of health or abilities through an accident, loss of a loved one or pet through death. Many people find these situations traumatic because their lives are irrevocably affected by these events, yet they have little control over them or the emotions they generate. The only thing that can be controlled is how one reacts to them. In that, we do have a choice.

I am not speaking as a professional trained in grief counseling; I am speaking as someone with much too much personal experience with loss. I have lost eight friends and loved ones to death since 2002 – that averages out to one person a year for the past eight years. Let’s just say, this has not been a very fun decade for me. As I have had the most experience with death, although I have experienced other losses over the years, this article will focus mainly on that aspect. Please be aware, however, that the majority of these observations and insights may be applied to any kind of traumatic loss.

As the song goes (quoted from the Bible, I presume), there is “a time to be born…a time to die.” We all know that’s true; there’s no use in debating that point. How could a “natural” part of life feel so unnatural? Simply put, because death sucks. Anyone who tells you to “get over it” has never experienced first-hand the death of a loved one, I will guarantee you that. It’s not something you can understand through reading brochures or text books, not even watching someone you love experience it first-hand will give you a clue as to how it feels when it happens to you. The only way to truly understand someone else’s grief is the one thing we all fear and want to avoid at all costs…having to live through it ourselves. And we all will, at one time or another, because there is no escaping it. The only way to avoid that particular pain is not to love anyone, ever. If you have nothing to lose, then you can’t experience loss. But, let’s face it…who really wants to live that way? Nobody I know.

So, given its inevitability, how do we deal with this grief? What I have found is that no two people experience grief in the same way. Even if you have experienced grief before, you may not experience it the same way the next time. Although Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler established five stages of loss in their book “On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss,” I have found that people don’t necessarily experience all of them…or if they do, not necessarily in sequential order. They are:

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining – making bargains with God to take away the pain and/or loss

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Personally, I have never bargained with God. In fact, I resented him for taking away those who meant so much to me (my apologies to any devout religious readers, but I considered myself a “lapsed Catholic” long before 2002, as I disagree with many of the fundamental doctrines of the Roman Catholic religion in which I was raised). With time, I have learned to get past my resentment. I truly believe everything happens for a reason…I just haven’t yet figured out what those reasons are, or I just flat-out don’t like them if I have. I have been studying astrology and tarot card reading in the past year or two, which contend that the Universe leads us where we need to go in order to grow and develop into the people we were meant to be. I have no fundamental problem with this theory…it makes sense in a “big picture” kind of way, especially if you believe in reincarnation (the jury’s still out on that for me, but I am leaning more toward yes these days). What bothers me is that, in theory, people I love have had to die in order for me to learn some of these “lessons.” That, frankly, ticks me off! A true-life example of the Anger stage, no doubt. ;)

In my opinion, there are two courses to take in dealing with any of these stages (this is where the choice comes in). There are constructive ways of coping and destructive ways of coping.

Constructive ways of coping include any positive steps that help you get through the day. For example, some people like to have mementos of their loved ones to hang onto and be surrounded by, while others can’t tolerate that and rid themselves of anything that reminds them of their loss. Some people talk to their loved ones out loud; visit their gravesites; scream, cry, and throw things in frustration; start foundations in the names of their loved ones to help research a cure for a particular disease; donate to or volunteer for existing charitable organizations. None of these responses is right or wrong…it’s all a matter of personal choice, what makes you most comfortable, and what gets you out of bed every morning.

Destructive ways of coping are the ones to watch out for, as they will ultimately cause more suffering than that caused by the grief itself. These include indulging in any vices that are unhealthy, either physically or emotionally. Most notable among them are alcoholism, drug dependency, indiscriminate promiscuity, excessive gambling, binge eating, etc. The most extreme of the destructive coping mechanisms is causing physical harm to oneself in desperation, such as cutting or attempting/committing suicide. Unfortunately, the people exhibiting any of these disturbing coping mechanisms are usually too close to the situation to see what damage they are causing to themselves and others, leaving their friends and family members to deal with the fallout.

During my darkest days, I kept telling myself “one step at a time.” That “step” may have been a day, an hour, or a few minutes. It took nearly two years for me to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to experience another loss right around the time the fog was clearing. C’est la vie.

As the saying goes, “that which does not kill you makes you stronger.” I have proven myself over and over again as being stronger than I ever wanted to be. And it doesn’t matter if the loved one lost was old or much too young, suffering a long-term illness or taken by a dramatic twist of fate. There is no “good” way to lose someone or something that is important to you. Ever. What I have learned is that I will never “get over” these losses, but I will “get through” them the best way I can and live on. And my friends and loved ones will live on with me in my memory and my heart forever. I am grateful to have had each and every one of them in my life for as long as I did.