Kinky Kids, Electric Toothbrushes, Surplus Savages—Reader Advice Roundup!

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A gay teenager faces the worst bullies of all: his own parents . A teacher sends a dildo pic to the worst possible person: her own student . A woman contemplates a sexy weekend away with a man who's recently single, can take "no" for an answer, and who has made an honored monogamous commitments in the past . And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast ...

Regarding CUFFS...

My exact sitch at puberty! My dad the cop caught me with his handcuffs. I was mortified. Nothing said for a few days then a surprise weekend with Uncle Frank the mad biker. He gently sounded me out, told me nobody was mad, taught me about consent and discretion, and nothing more was ever said about it. I built my sexual career around BDSM. Now the younglings in our family get sent my way for a nonthreatening frank convo. I consult your teachings often. And the world keeps turning...

And wanted to second what BiDanFan had to say here...

The bit of CUFFS's letter beginning, "He is a smart kid, an athlete, and a fairly conscientious scholar," jumped out at me. She (it reads more like a concerned mother, though the gender of the parent isn't specified) describes her son's kink at length, then says he is smart and athletic—as if kinks and being a failure at life are inextricably coupled. She may not have meant it like that but she may want to check her biases. This kid could grow up to be a CEO or a pro athlete or work for a charity and still be kinky, they are not mutually exclusive. So no, his interest in bondage does not mean you need to be concerned about his self-esteem. Aside from that, as a non-parent I haven't much to add this week, just to echo @1, and wish both these parents and these kinky youngsters luck navigating this extremely challenging period of life.

CUFFS is actually a concerned dad. And he wrote back...

Excellent to get the perspective of guys who came up with this sensibility. And I agree that the only challenge here is to help him understand the safety and consent aspects, and encourage him to enjoy himself. Thank you so much, Dan. — CUFFS

TOWNY, the woman who was dating a younger man and getting grief from her "sex-positive" friends, writes back...

Hi again! Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words and for putting me in the column. I sent a link to the friends I was talking about and they seemed to receive it well. Boyfriend saw it too and he was actually a little hurt by my "no delusions of this lasting forever" comment, which led to a great conversation about feelings and expectations and the future. So maybe I was making some assumptions of my own based on our ages. Regardless of what happens, we are enjoying the now. Thanks, Dan!

I'm glad seeing your letter and my response helped your friends get over themselves/their shit, TOWNY, but I'm sorry to hear our back-and-forth upset your boyfriend. But “have no delusions of this lasting forever” is a good assumption to make regardless of age difference or any other factor. Fact is, most relationships don’t last forever... and if we all operated under the assumption that our relationships might not last forever, TOWNY, perhaps we’d be less prone to take our lovers for granted, which is a leading contributor to something not lasting forever.

Regarding PSIO...

PSIO said it herself. She's had a lot of bad experiences with men. Despite this guy displaying nothing that could be seen as a red flag, she's projected her own experiences on him. More than his past relationships, she should try to work past her bias and see him as he is

— Galactic Pretty Boy (@AnimusRyan) September 18, 2019

Another parent of another 12 year old faces the same dilemma as EMM...

I’m a gay cis dad with a gay cis partner and an adopted daughter who is twelve. She enjoys being alone more, especially in her messy room. When I was inspecting her closet to see if I or she needed to do some cleaning, I noticed she had a toothbrush head in her closet, some hand towels, and some pads with stains on it. My suspicion is that she is using our electric toothbrush to pleasure herself. I’ve learned from the moms at her school that the girls in her grade are experimenting with self pleasure and occasionally stimulating each other at parties. What can I get my daughter that is more appropriate? Any suggestions on how to provide the device to her without embarrassing her?

Like I told EMM: get your kid an Amazon gift card and get out of her way. Just in case she doesn't take the bait, present her with an electric toothbrush of her very own—and stop "inspecting her closet."



Spotted on Twitter...

I have spent the last 3? 30? years thinking @fakedansavage & Fred Savage we’re the same person. It took describing to a friend the Tavern on the Green scene from Friends from College on Netflix to realize that they are not the same person. They are also not @BenSavage. pic.twitter.com/H4Gto9dAPM

— Andrea DeWerd (@ajdewerd) September 15, 2019

Sometimes even I'm confused about which Savage I am, Andrea, so don't feel bad.

And this isn't Savage Love related except for the whole living-on-this-planet thing...





Thank you to all the youth all over the world who took to the streets today.

Okay, we're going to leave it there. I hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you all on Monday!

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••