My boss basically begged me to write this article because he thinks I'm obsessed with buttholes. I don't realize it, on a day to day basis, but I guess I do talk about them a lot.

I remember reading something online about how guys can't sniff a butthole without getting a major boner. I think about this a lot. Is this why guys stare at butts so much? Because they're thinking about sniffing them? That's so funny and weird. But really, I can fully stand behind this because one of the first things I want to do when I have a naked butthole in front of me is sniff it, and then put my tongue in it, and then try to get the owner of the butthole to let me put other things in it. I feel very lucky that I don't have a penis because I can do all of these things and still act cool and collected without some silly flesh tube giving me away. HAHAHA. Penises. Pffft.

I bet you that people read or hear about ladies talking about buttholes and think something like "what? What could a girl possibly do to a butthole aside from just look at it and be like 'yup, that's a butthole."" And I'm here to tell you that there's a LOT we can do. Think about it like this (well I don't even know if what I'm about to say is factual, because I don't know much about dicks, but I'm pretty smart about life and this is what I've surmised): Let's say that a guy gets all hot and bothered by sniffing a butthole, gets a boner, and then decides to do something sexual with that butthole. I'm guessing that once a boner is achieved, the guy will put some sort of goo on his boner, ram the boner in the butthole, and then feel very pleased with himself that he did something scandalous and sexy. Well, that's lame and a big time waste of butthole. Here's what I like to do with a pretty butthole. (I'm gonna write this out like a short play).

Pretty lady: Oh, hey, I'm gonna get naked now and you can do whatever you want with me.

Me: Oh, that's cool. Why don't you lay on your stomach and put your butt in the air?

Pretty lady: OK. You're super good in bed, I can tell already.

Me: I know.

[Action: Spread buttcheeks, assess butthole belonging to lady, put tip of finger around and then in (just a little) butthole. Sniff butthole, put tip of tongue in butthole, and then whole tongue in butthole. Put goo on butthole, put on some sort of apparatus that allows me to enter butthole with clean, attractive, glittery penis shaped device. Pound butthole until desired noises are achieved. Grab buttcheeks of pretty lady and jiggle them around, mostly just because it looks cool. Repeat as often as necessary.]

Pretty lady: No one has ever appreciated my butthole in such a way before. Thank you, butthole master.

Me: You're welcome. Now let's watch nonsense on Youtube and then go get some nachos.

Pretty lady: I love you.

Me: I love you, too.

The funny thing about all of this is that for as much as I talk about buttholes, and appreciate them dearly, I have never really had much of anything in my own personal butthole. I like to think of myself as a "giver." I mean, if I am really revved up and my butthole gets to be what I like to refer to as "hungry" then I will grab my sex partner's finger and place it near my butthole as if to say "I'd like you to put something in my butthole now." Usually the person will pick up on this clue and do stuff to my butthole, but usually I will ask them to stop after a few seconds and do something else. My butthole is sensitive and shy. Or maybe I just haven't met the right finger yet.

I have dated a few girls who exclusively liked butthole sex. Like, I would try to please them vaginally, and they'd be like "no, no. Put it in my butt." I always think of these girls as being like magical butthole unicorns, out there flitting around somewhere where I can no longer see them, but loving anal every day. For these girls, their butthole is indeed the new vagina.

That's pretty much all I have to say about buttholes. I'll try to stop talking about them so much.