Nation Spends Day Acknowledging Existence Of Completely Unnecessary Parent

U.S.—While everyone has a mother--a necessity in every family for raising and providing for the children--there is a second type of parent some people have called a “father.” It is unknown what purpose this seemingly vestigial parent provides, but today is a holiday known as Father’s Day, where the existence of fathers is acknowledged even if their purpose is unknown.

“That fathers exist at all is kind of insulting,” said feminist activist Caron Wolff. “That they’re around at all seems to imply women could use help running a family--which simply isn’t true. Still, it is a fact that they currently exist, so I guess it’s okay to spend one day acknowledging that fact as long as not too big a deal is made of it.”

There had been concerns in the past that fathers actually were harmful to families because of their toxic masculinity, but that masculinity has been tamed in recent years. Now they’re relatively harmless and can help with chores around the house--though usually only under tight supervision, as they’re not very good at them--and can occasionally watch the children--though this again can cause trouble, as they often irritate the children with bad jokes.

While no one recommends having a father, if you know of one, today is the day to tell him, “There you are.” Scientists expect fathers to completely disappear in the next few decades, though, as they’re replaced with an automated device that can both kill spiders and say, “Nice to meet you, Hungry.”

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