Maybe this is a joyful way to hold the competition to be prime minister – by copying The X Factor and for the first few weeks showing all the hopeless idiots. Where the producers have slipped up, though, is in that the most hilariously embarrassing knobheads are being put through to the next round.

One contestant, who’s always been adamant there should be no forgiveness for anyone who ever took drugs, had to confess he spent a chunk of his youth enjoying drugs. He dismissed this as it was a while ago, which is fair enough as long as it was so long ago it came outside the time of “ever”.

To his credit, this behaviour represents an almost artistic level of hypocrisy, as if it turned out David Attenborough builds a house every day out of plastic and then pushes it into the sea.

So they all copied him, Andrea Leadsom with her dope and Rory Stewart with his opium, and by the weekend Jeremy Hunt will admit to running a Mexican drugs cartel, “where I learned how to run a successful business”, and Dominic Raab will own up to dealing in Afghan hash, “though I didn’t realise Afghanistan was abroad”.

But as ever Boris Johnson wins this round. In an interview with GQ he said: “I tried [cocaine] ... and I remember it vividly,” but in an interview in 2008 he said: “To say that I have taken cocaine is simply untrue.” This is why he’s right to boast that people like his “plain speaking”.

Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Show all 9 1 /9 Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Boris Johnson Former foreign secretary Boris Johnson has long been hopeful, he previously stood in the leadership contest that followed the Brexit vote and has at many times since been thought to be maneuvering himself towards the goal. He remains a darling of the party's right wing, particularly those in the ERG, and is the most popular choice among Tory voters but his leadership bid would be fiercely opposed by many MPs PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Michael Gove Environment secretary Michael Gove is another member who has long wanted to be leader. He has lately been known for rousing his party in the commons, his recent speeches on the Brexit deal and Labour's no confidence motion have overshadowed the Prime Minister's. He has been loyal to the Prime Minister, partly to shed his reputation as a backstabber who abandoned Boris Johnson to stand against him in the 2016 leadership election Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Dominic Raab Former Brexit secretary Dominic Raab has emerged as a favourite to be the Brexiteer candidate in a contest to succeed to Ms May. He displayed a grip on detail in his role as Brexit secretary. When asked recently if he would like to become prime minister he replied "never say never" Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Rory Stewart International development secretary Rory Stewart is pitching himself as the sensible candidate, promising to rule out both a second referendum and a no-deal Brexit. He was only recently promoted to the cabinet, previously serving as prisons minister, where he caught headlines with a pledge to resign if he could not reduce levels of violence within a year PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Esther McVey The former work and pensions secretary announced that she will be standing for the leadership when May leaves. McVey is the first to explicitly state that she intends to stand. She resigned from the cabinet in protest over May's Brexit deal AFP/Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Sajid Javid Home secretary Sajid Javid is said to have a plan in place for a leadership race. He made headlines over Christmas when he declared that people smuggling over the English channel was a "major incident" and more recently when he revoked the citizenship of ISIS bride Shamima Begum. Son of a bus driver, he wants the Conservatives to be seen as the party of social mobility PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Jeremy Hunt Foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt was recently thought to be the favourite in the event of a leadership race as he could sell himself as the man to unite the party. Critics worry that his long stint as health secretary could return to haunt him at a general election. He has reportedly been holding meetings with Tory MPs over breakfast to promote his leadership PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Andrea Leadsom Following the Prime Minister's second defeat over her Brexit deal, Leader of the house Andrea Leadsom hosted a dinner party at which "leadership was the only topic of conversation", The Times heard. Leadsom ran against Theresa May in the 2016 leadership election before dropping out, allowing May to become Prime Minister AFP/Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Priti Patel Former international development secretary Priti Patel is thought to be positioning herself as a contender. One MP told The Independent "she knows she's from the right of the party, the part which is going to choose the next leader, so she's reminding everyone she's there." Patel left the government late in 2017 after it emerged that she had held undisclosed meetings with Israeli officials PA

One thing he speaks might be completely the opposite of the next thing he speaks, meaning at least one is a total lie, but at least it’s plain. Defendants should try this in court, saying: “Yes I did do the robbery, but no I didn’t do the robbery,” and any fair-minded judge would let them off because at least they’d made their point plainly.

This must be why he’s in the lead, because instead of the normal politicians’ gibberish he gives plain answers. For example, he answered one question at his launch this week saying: “That would appear a minestrone of observation,” the sort of straight answer we’ve all been demanding.

So we’re used to his speeches that go “indeed as it were, in as much as one’s valedictory uh uh uh carpe diem so to speak, to wit, sine qua non, thrust, if one gets one’s drift, um um veni vidi vici”, because he connects with the common person by speaking in plain Latin.

One of his finest pieces of plain speaking was when he was arranging with a friend to have a journalist beaten up, going along with phrases such as “cracked rib”. Other politicians might have dodged the question, or fudged it by saying, “I propose an initial fracture”, but Boris was plainer than that because he’s a man of the people.

I heard one of his supporters say that if we worried too much about flaws when we choose a leader we’d never have had Churchill or Lloyd George.

Maybe what we need is to go back to the days when we had leaders who were talented but a bit power-mad. But this brave thinking goes even further, as with Boris Johnson we’d have to say: “He may be a psychopath, but on the other hand he’s a talentless idiot as well.”

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Amber Rudd said he was “not the man you want driving you home at the end of the evening”, which must be why she tried to arrange a pact with him, because if someone can’t be trusted to take you home, it’s best to leave them in charge of something simple and unimportant, such as Britain during Brexit.

This seems to be the justification for many MPs who are supporting him, that while they don’t agree with him on very much, at least he’s a proven liar, thug and racist, so that’s three things he definitely stands for.

One cabinet member said whatever job he’s had, he’s proved incompetent and an embarrassment, and that everyone who’s worked with him says the same. But another senior Tory MP said “fear of Corbyn is leading Tories to back Johnson”. And that’s reasonable, because while it might not be ideal to put a lying, racist, incompetent embarrassment in charge of the country, at least he won’t nationalise the railways, so that’s the main thing.

And at least he’ll be a plain-speaking embarrassment. It’s the same with builders: you don’t want some competent bastard bamboozling you with terms like “making good” and “dovetail joint” – it’s much better to have a plain-speaking one that uses language we can all understand such as: “I’ve accidentally smashed your wall down.”

So he tells us he’ll take Britain out of the EU without a deal, just as it’s revealed we won’t even have enough medicine, and it does him no damage. Lie after lie can be found that would have finished anyone before now, but it makes no odds. Because as with Trump, the rules have changed. Now you can be filmed setting fire to puppies and it’s laughed off as “at least it’s plain-speaking animal cruelty”.

It’s as if a footballer suddenly rode onto the pitch in a steamroller and gunned down the goalkeeper with a Kalashnikov, but while the rest of us went “he can’t get away with that”, referees decided this would be allowed for a trial period.