1. Relationship Building. Together we’re going to build a relationship. This isn’t a class or book club, it’s not a Bible study or business relationship, it’s two people learning and caring for one another. We’ll focus on the other’s good and aim for trust, openness, and vulnerability. To do this well, the discipler must be committed to transparency and modeling.

2. Life and Ministry Skills. Together we’ll seek to develop skills that help us in life and ministry. These are similar, but not the same. A life skill is something that anyone in our culture needs to develop, whether they follow Jesus or not. Examples include money management, conflict resolution, parenting skills, etc. Ministry skills are needs that are specific to Christians. Examples include how to understand Scripture, how to share about Jesus, how to disciple another, etc.

3. Character Development. Over time, as we build a relationship of trust, we will notice things about the other person that’s not in alignment with Christ. Often these things are subtle and hidden from us but obvious to those around us. Examples include needing to be the center of attention, always taking the best seat at small group, insecurity that leads to social avoidance, etc. As we disciple, we commit to bringing them up to the other person as lovingly and as gently as we can.

After explaining each of those three I ask, “Which of these three do you think is most often left out and why?"

In nearly twenty years of asking that question, people normally say #1 or #3. I believe it’s #3-character building because it’s no fun for anyone. I can still remember the mixture of anger and shock I felt when my discipler asked why I hadn’t gotten up to help clear the table the week before. Almost everyone else at the meeting had, but I sat and talked with a friend. It hurt and I was defensive, but I tried to listen. At the end of our conversation, he gently asked me if I would ask God about that incident and whether I was serving as God desires. I did ask God, and He made it clear that I needed to grow so that I served like Jesus did. Truth is, I’m still working to develop in that area.

The other side is no fun either. Pointing one out a character flaw to someone you deeply care about is a labor of love. As difficult as it is, these conversations have incredible transformational power. In many cases, it’s a tangible example of loving someone enough to tell them something that everyone sees, but no one has the courage to confront.

I move the initial conversation to a close by affirming the person and how I’ve seen God at work in his life. In short, I explain why I think he’d be a good fit for this type of investment. Next, I ask if he has any question. If not, I ask him to pray about it and set up a time for a follow-up conversation in the near future.