<strong>Oh no, your refreshing beverage needs refreshing! Actions refresh in: <span style="color: #C8170E;">59 years</span>. Hope you brought cards!</strong>



While you wait, you might find the actual <a href="http://www.fallenlondon.com">Fallen London</a> and its spin-off <a href="http://sunlessseagame.com">Sunless Sea</a> well worth a play. Or visit <a href="http://www.richardcobbett.com">www.richardcobbett.com</a> for more nonsense.

<<display "FS_Header">><<$actions -= 1>><<if $queue == 1>><<$doleclosed += 1>><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>"Closed!" barks the lady behind the counter</h2>You get to the front of the queue just in time for the shutters to bang down. You'd be more frustrated if you hadn't at least half been expecting it. What a complete bloody waste of time.<br />

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< LEAVE|Menu_JobCentre]]</div></div>

</div><<endif>><<if $queue >= 2>><<$grindypants += 1>><<$britishness += 2>><<$queue -= 1>><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Slowest. Queue. Ever.</h2>How long does it take to collect the dole? Every single person in front of you answers that question with "Forever." It's almost as slow as waiting for a candle to unburn itself. However that works.<br /><br /><strong>Britishness is increasing... Now <<print $britishness>>!<br /><br /><strong>Grindypants is increasing... Now <<print $grindypants>>!<br /><br />An occurance! Your 'Place In Line' Quality is now <<print $queue>></strong><br />

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< LEAVE|Menu_JobCentre]]</div><<endif>>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions += 3>><<if $actions >= 20>><<set $actions = 20>><<endif>><<set $drunk +=1>><<set $cash -= 4>><<if $drunk == 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>The Pneumatic Barmaid pours you the good stuff</h2>You briefly chat to her about her scholastic pursuits, including the advances in pressurised gases and mechanical motion that earned both her doctorate and oft-misunderstood sobriquet. She appreciates you taking a less purient interest in her affairs than the majority of patrons, and concurs with your hope that the Iron Republic will indeed have better employment possibilities than the Surface. Your pint comes straight from the good tap, the one with almost no grit at all.<br /><br /><strong>You now have £<<print $cash>>.<br /><br />An occurrence! Your 'Drunkenness' Quality is now <<print $drunk>>.</strong></div><<endif>><<if $drunk == 2>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>A refill? Well, it has been a long day!</h2>The Pnuematic Barmaid smiles politely as she refills your glass, and you gulp it down even faster than the last one. But of course she's smiling. She'sh your besht mate<br /><br /><strong>You now have £<<print $cash>>.<br /><br />An occurrence! Your 'Drunkenness' Quality is now <<print $drunk>>.</strong></div><<endif>><<if $drunk == 3>><<set $britishness +=25>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>The Pneumatic Barmaid glances at the Crepuscular Publican</h2>It's probably something to do with the ongoing, currently ten minute long rant about the French. On the plus side, you've got an appreciative audience of other drinkers, regularly saying things like "Yeah! You tell it!" and "Waterloo, bitches! <em>Agincourt!</em>" You are a credit to the worst elements of your people.<br /><br />But on the other side, the more painful, sticky, soon to be regretted side, you find yourself waking up in a pool of even staler beer than normal, with a storming headache and a sense of unearned patriotism that is already starting to fade. On the back of your hand is written either the Pneumatic Barmaid or the Crepuscular Publican's phone number. You're not sure which you tried to seduce, but it would be seriously awkward if you got it wrong.<<set $barmaid_cutoff += 1>><br /><br /><strong>You now have £<<print $cash>>.<br /><br />An occurrence! Your 'Hangover' Quality is now 10.<br /><br />Britishness is increasing... Now <<print $britishness>>!</strong></div><<endif>>



<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< BACK|Menu_Pub]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions -= 1>><<set $cash -= 1>><<set $played_machine += 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><<if $played_machine <= 3>><h2>Oh. Right. Electricity...</h2>Its absence does explain the lack of bleeps and bloops, while a bit of gum in the wrong place promises that you will never see that pound coin again. Dang.<br /><br /><strong>You now have £<<print $cash>>.</strong><<endif>><<if $played_machine >= 4>><h2>Not sure if slow learner, or know about cheat</h2>Either way, cash and actions restored.<<set $cash = 15>><<set $actions = 20>><<set $cheat_unlocked = 1>><<endif>></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< BACK|Menu_Pub]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><<set $queue = 7>><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><<if $britishness >= 85>><div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon_gold"><img src="royalty.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>HER MAJESTY'S DISPLEASURE</strong>

A mysterious patriotic spark in the air, as if summoned by your intense Britishness?<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|Endgame]]</div></div>

</div><div style="clear: both;"></div><<endif>>

<<if $beatenshitless == 0 && $devil_defeat == 0 >><div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon"><img src="evilknocker.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>Return to your Former Lodgings</strong>

A person of unspecified gender's home is their castle!<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|Menu_Lodgings]]</div></div></div><div style="clear: both;"></div><<endif>>

<div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon"><img src="job.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>The seeking of employment in these Most Difficult Times...</strong>

Money makes the world go round, even down here.<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|Menu_JobCentre]]</div></div>

</div><div style="clear: both;"></div>

<div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon"><img src="pub.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>The King And Country With The Unfortunate Missing O</strong>

Bugger this wordy stuff for a lark, time to take a trip down the boozer...<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|Menu_Pub]]</div></div>

</div><div style="clear: both;"></div>

<div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon"><img src="till.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>Go shopping in the Bazaar</strong>

Just because it's your only choice doesn't mean it's not also the best.<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|TescoBazaar]]</div></div>

</div><div style="clear: both;">

<<if $truth == 0>><div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon"><img src="window.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>Study the secrets of Fallen Swindon</strong>

Fallen Swindon is a place of secrets. And sometimes oxymorons.<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|Menu_Secrets]]</div></div>

</div><div style="clear: both;"></div><<endif>><<endif>>

<<if $actions == 0>><<display OutOfActions>><<endif>>

</div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><<set $actions = 20>><<set $visited_lodgings = 0>><<set $faith = 0>><<set $truth = 0>><<set $drunk = 0>><<set $cheat_unlocked = 0>><<set $publican_cutoff = 0>><<set $barmaid_cutoff = 0>><<set $played_machine = 0>><<set $devil_defeat = 0>><<set $bought_round = 0>><<set $secrets = 0>><<set $doleclosed = 0>><<set $cash = 15>><<set $grindypants = 67>><<set $employability = 17>><<set $snarkasm = 3>><<set $britishness = 32>><<set $beatenshitless = 0>><div class="passage_flstyle"><em>2014. Three days ago, Swindon was stolen by dyslexic bats who are in spectacular trouble with the Masters of the Bazaar right now. What a bloody awful way to start the week. But, what's done is done and can't be fixed, apparently. Good thing Swindoners can get used to anything...</em>



Well, that's what everyone says. But despite what the hooded Masters of the Echo Bazaar said when they slithered into your branch of Tesco and declared it under new management, you're still out of a job. It wasn't so bad when the hoods and the living shadows that cast screams arrived and declared everything from the grocery department to the bakery their new demesne, but once they figured out how to work the tills, you were <em>out.</em> Severance? Yes, it was made clear, in voices of the grave and the memory of forgotten waves. Severance would <em>of course</em> be available. To anyone who <em>asked.</em>



In the words of your esteemed colleague, the Loquacious Chav, "Man, this pisses on my chips."



But hey, the one good thing about suddenly finding everything you've ever known and loved festering in a great underground cavern infested with demons and mushrooms whose spores carry the dreams of nightmare children is at least things can't get much worse. At least you've still got...



...well, that can be figured out later. After a much needed kip...



<div class="fs_storylet"><div class="icon"><img src="knocker.jpg" /></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_text"><strong>Shuffle back to your Lodgings</strong>

Perambulate in a homeward direction, perchance to weep into a pillow.<div class="fs_storylet_clickbutton">[[GO|StartDemon]]</div></div>

</div><div style="clear: both;"></div>



<span style="color: #251d15;"><em>Fallen Swindon is a goofy little parody of <a href="http://www.fallenlondon.com">Fallen London</a>, by me, <a href="http://www.richardcobbett.com">Richard.</a> If you've not played the original, you should, partly because it's kindof important to get the references here, but mostly because it's a wonderful world. There's also a new spin-off game, <a href="http://www.sunlessseagame.com">Sunless Sea</a>, which at the time of making this was in Early Access, but already very cool. Check out the <a href="http://www.richardcobbett.com/codex/therichardperspective/quick-trip-sunless-sea-early-access/">early look at it here</a>.



Fallen Swindon was made with Twine, because of course it was.</em></span>

</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>He gets hotter burns than that when he bathes</h2>The Usurping Devil waits patiently until your ranting dies down, then pats you affectionately on the head and closes the door in your face. So, that could have gone better.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< LEAVE|LocationsMenu]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><<set $visited_lodgings += 1>><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Your Former Lodgings</h2>They're much as you remember, only now with a certain degree of sulphur and your lesser possessions piled up on the street outside. It would be easier to be offended if, examining them now, you could see anything worth salvaging. Inside your former Lodgings, the Usurping Devil is audibly having a fine time wiling away the hours until inevitably setting fire to the place and moving somewhere more entertaining. You hope it's your last boss' house.</div>

<<if $visited_lodgings >= 5>><div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="evilknocker.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Show sympathy to the Usurping Devil</strong><br />How strange. The din momentarily fades, and looking through the window, you see him looking... sad.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|LodgingsLonelyDemon]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><<endif>>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="evilknocker.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Retake your Lodgings from the Usurping Devil</strong>

It's the kind of thing you should do.<br /><em>Requires 0 x Beaten Shitless By The Usurping Devil</em></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|LodgingsBeaten]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<<if $faith == 0>><div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="knocker.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Seek help from the constabulary</strong>

You pay your taxes! The least they can do is stand up for you against actual, literal, and worst of all, intensely smug evil.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|Lodgings_Cops]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><<endif>>



<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< Actually, no|LocationsMenu]]</div>

<<endif>>

<<if $actions == 0>><<display OutOfActions>><<endif>>

</div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Is this the real life, is this just fantasy?</h2>Since Swindon was dragged into the Neath, you've seen a slow progression of obvious changes, from the hooded figures walking the streets to the Clay Men coming in and taking jobs from good, honest workers who were totally going to apply for them any day now. But you can't help feel that despite this wrongness, even after such a short period of time, that there might be a deeper, extra-wrong level still to be uncovered. And who better to do it than you? Possibly one of those Ladies and Gentlemen sitting on park benches staring through newspapers with eye-holes carved out of them. Strange. Traditionally, spies would merely carve them out of the <em>newspapers</em>...<br /><br />Could it be, just maybe, that none of this is even happening at all?</div>

<<if $doleclosed < 1>><div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="window.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Observe the world, its people, its secrets</strong>

Slowly but surely, build your picture of the Neath.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|Secrets]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><<endif>><div style="clear: both;"></div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="window.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Eureka!</strong>

You finally have the answer to your question!<br><em>Requires 5 x Observations Of Fallen Swindon</em></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton"><<if $secrets <= 4>>NO<<endif>><<if $secrets > 4>>[[GO|Eureka]]<<endif>></div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< Actually, no|LocationsMenu]]</div><<endif>>

<<if $actions == 0>><<display OutOfActions>><<endif>>

</div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<div style="background-color: #000000; color: white; "><img src="header_2.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 5px;"/>

<p style="padding: 0;">It's... oh, it's you. Well, isn't that a thing? (<span style="color: #C8170E;">Seek psychiatric help</span> if this isn't you.)</p></div>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions -= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Graffiti 'aint what it used to be</h2>You can feel the cultured pull of the Bazaar as you gaze upon <<print either("the beautifully written 'LONG LIVE THE EMPRESS!' crossed out and replaced with 'SHE WAS A WENCH'.", "a seven verse love poem in iambic pentameter.", "the words THE STARVELING CAT, THE STARVELING CAT, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?","a surprisingly good drawing of an infinitely sided shape.", "the mysterious words CANDLE JAC, then nothing.", "the strange slogan REMEMBER BYRON, WITH A COMMEMORATIVE PLATE.", "the apparently urgent warning REMEMBER CITADEL.", "the mysterious password KEN SENT ME.")>> Whatever happened to the good old days of "Ben Hearts Beverly" or Don't Tell Steve Nuffing HE'S A GRASS? Honestly...</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< BACK|Menu_Pub]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions += 3>><<set $bought_round += 1>><<if $actions > 20>><<set $actions = 20>><<endif>><<set $drunk +=1>><<set $cash -= 15>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>With friends like these...</h2>"Well, someone's been lucky," whistles the Crepuscular Publican, which is quite a good trick when you think about it. He pours everyone's favourite drink for them, including a pint for yourself. There is a muted murmur of mild appreciation, but not, you have to consider, a whole £15 worth of it. Still, at least you're not thirsty any more.<br /><br /><strong>You now have £<<print $cash>>.<br /><br />An occurrence! Your 'Drunkenness' Quality is now <<print $drunk>>.</strong></div><<set $publican_cutoff = 1>>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< BACK|Menu_Pub]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $secrets+= 1>><<set $actions -= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Anything could be a clue... to something, probably</h2><<if $secrets == 1>>After waiting a whole hour for a bus, two come along at once. The machinations of the Masters? You make a careful note, just in case.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Observations Of Fallen Swindon' Quality is now <<print $secrets>></strong><<endif>><<if $secrets == 2>>Careful study reveals that there is in fact such a thing as a free lunch, but you have to sit through an hour long presentation by the Brass Embassy on why only losers fail to properly monetise their souls, and also you're fairly sure the potato dip was alive. Still, you make a careful note.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Observations Of Fallen Swindon' Quality is now <<print $secrets>></strong><<endif>><<if $secrets == 3>>Careful observations at the newly opened Tesco Bazaar reveal that a bird in the hand is not in fact worth two in the bush, but you can get a two for one deal on glim. So, that'll be good to know when all the flashlights and candles run out. You make a note.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Observations Of Fallen Swindon' Quality is now <<print $secrets>></strong><<endif>><<if $secrets == 4>>An unfortunate encounter with the Ladies Of The Leathery Veils reveals that beauty really is only skin deep. When you get down to blood and muscles, even the prettiest face is an offal mess. You make a note.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Observations Of Fallen Swindon' Quality is now <<print $secrets>></strong><<endif>><<if $secrets == 5>>In the Neath, as on the Surface, the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry. But this is the first time those mice have been seen enquiring about automatic weapons and painting revolutionary posters in suspiciously red paw-prints. You make a note.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Observations Of Fallen Swindon' Quality is now <<print $secrets>></strong><<endif>><<if $secrets == 6>>Where there's smoke, there's fire. You see the Masters of the Bazaar looking at both, and making a noise that suggests "Pfft. Amateurs." You carefully make a note.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Observations Of Fallen Swindon' Quality is now <<print $secrets>></strong><<endif>><<if $secrets > 6>>You look around, but nothing of interest seems to be happening right now.<<endif>></div><div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< GOT IT|Menu_Secrets]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

Fallen Swindon!

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><img src="queenrage.jpg" width=590px /><h2>GIVE BACK MY BLOODY CITY!</h2>The tremors start small, a slight vibration in the air. Then it grows heavy as if crackling with anticipation before a storm. Then there is just white, and a flaming streak of red, white and blue that makes everything shimmer. You turn to see Mr Pages, hooded and head bowed.<br /><br />Town, technically, he indicates, effecting his egress with the utmost velocity.<br /><br />You look up to see the One True Queen, scepter raised and drawing the lightning from the sky. Were the rumours true? It is said that anyone with sufficient Britishness can call to her from across universes if necessary, though of course she is usually far too busy with more important matters to attend and assist. Like waving. Asking people what they do. Staying alive, and annoying the Idiot Prince by asking why he is unsatisfied by the homeopathic power she gladly grants him.<br /><br />As you watch, one Master approaches, only to be smashed over the head with the Sovereign Scepter; another runs in terror as she lights the little known fuse on the Ampulla and rolls it like a hand-grenade; a hand-grenade that explodes with the light of a thousand suns and blinds the Master long enough for her to whip off the Imperial State Crown with its serrated edge and hurl it, discus style, with a Received Pronunciation whoop and screech of "Traitor Empress? <strong>AMATEUR!</strong>"<br /><br />"Blimey," says the Loquacious Chav. You cannot help but agree, as she stands, whirling, in an ever growing pile of rubber limbs and forked tails and splattered clay, first severing limbs with the Swords of Memoral Justice, Spiritual Justice and Mercy, and then when all three are broken, wielding the 12th century Anointing Spoon as a club. And then-<br /><h2>ENOUGH!</h2>All eyes turn to Mr. Pages, and the darkness within his robe. This place is ours by right of conquest, he silently declares loudly enough to make every bell within a hundred miles chime in horrific unison. By the claim of the Bazaar, by the signatories of Hell and the Embassies of-<br /><br />"Bollocks to <em>that!</em>" snarls the Queen, leaping at him.<br /><br />And then the bats <em>swarm</em>.</div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="royalty.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Surrounded by the blackness of flapping wings</strong>

A rushing sensation of stillness and disquiet.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|Endgame2]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Quote">>

<div style="clear: both;"></div>



<script src="/mint/?js" type="text/javascript"></script>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions -= 1>><<set $faith = 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>You have the right to remain angry</h2>Despite being buried under a torrent of attempted murders - like regular murders, where both sides are confused why it didn't work - and adapting to the new rules of the Masters of the Bazaar, the Gold Hearted Copper attends as quickly as he can. Unfortunately, by that point the Usurping Devil has had all the time in the world to forge the deeds to your Lodging and write a mocking song to that effect. It wouldn't be so bad, except that it's really catchy, and by the tenth verse the entire street is singing it. You slink away, hoping that somewhere there's a park bench to crash on.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Faith In The System' quality is now -1,000,000.</strong></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< RETREAT|Menu_Lodgings]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<div style="width: 170px;float: right;"><img src="sealesssun6.jpg" title="And now we think about it, probably best not to make any 'sun' related plans either..." style="padding-bottom: 25px;" /><div style="background-color: #bdaf95; border: solid 3px #736448; font-size: 11px; padding: 10px;"><<print either(

"The Starveling Cat! The Starveling Cat! The RSPCA will take good care of that!","<strong>And what, Mr Eaten, asked the Impertinent Man, <em>is</em> your bloody name?</strong><br />Hmm? Oh. Gerald, replied the Master of the Bazaar. Don't know what all the fuss was about, honestly.","The trains all now depart the station on time, like rusted yet perfect clockwork. But nobody knows where they go. And nobody ever sees them arrive. Overall though, everyone agrees it's a big improvement on when bloody British Rail ran them.", "<strong>Have you ever wondered if everyone else in the world is psychic, but we just decided not to tell you?</strong><br />Food for thought.", "The Masters of the Tesco Bazaar hold Fallen Swindon's commerce within a gloved fist. But even they get a twinge of nervousness at the thought of using those bloody self-service tills.", "<strong>Landlubbers!</strong><br />Due to living in a landlocked land, the best hope of aquatic exploration for potential Fallen Swindon zailors is to go zcuba diving in the zewers. Oddly, there have been few takers for this so far.", "The Charismatic Mayor, in association with the Masters of the Bazaar, is pleased to announce the upcoming twinning of Fallen Swindon and Fallen San Francisco. But asks all citizens to please, not tell. It would be a real shame to ruin the big surprise.", "<strong>A Message From The Charismatic Mayor</strong><br />The only real difference between invisible giant bees and imaginary giant bees is your perception. Please keep this in mind the next time you don't see one.","<strong>The National Grid?</strong><br />Fallen Swindon no longer gets to draw power for its devices and doohickeys. The Masters of the Bazaar have promised replacement generators, yet all anyone has so far seen are disturbingly human sized hamster wheels being imported in no small number.","<strong>A Clarification From The Desk Of Mr Pipes</strong><br />Believe it or not, Mr Ripley was but a Master of the B<em>izar</em>re. Kindly listen more carefully in future. That is all.","<strong>Who voted for the Charismatic Mayor?</strong><br />Nobody, of course. For that is not how such things are done.","The Gold Hearted Copper warns that the constabulary has seen a 400% increase in valuables going walkabout since Swindon fell. Please consider better locks for their cages. Thank you.","<strong>Is Swindon the Fifth City, or the Sixth?</strong><br />Neither. It is a town.", "The Startling Novelist is pleased to announce his upcoming mystery, The Curious Incident Of The Dog Of The Dog In The Nighttime (Who Turned Out To Be The Elder God Kerflufflu). As ever, spoiling the shocking twist ending shall be punished with ants." )>></div>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions -= 1>><<set $faith = 1>><<set $devil_defeat += 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Evil has never looked so wretched, in a sad way</h2>Peering through the window at what remains of your Lodgings, you confirm that indeed, the Usurping Devil is sitting on the broken sofa, all smashing done, with a mournful expression born of... how many centuries of torment? How many millennia of damnation?<br /><br />You knock on the door, and for a moment, his usual cruel expression stretches across his face. But his heart isn't in it. And you do what comes naturally; reach out and give him a smouldering hug. Well, something smoulders, anyway. After that, things are merely a blur...<br /><br />As dawn rises the next day, you wake to find him leaning on his arm beside you, a softness in his hate-filled eyes. He seems different. Calmer. Less overtly evil and overbrimming with sin. Perhaps it's the pyjamas, with the fluffy little duck emblazoned upon the pocket.<br /><br />You greet him: Good morning. "Good morning," he replies, all cruelty gone from his endlessly more attractive smile. You look different, you tell him.<br /><br /> "It is merely your humanity," he whispers, in tones as tightly embracing as bondage ropes and silky as the naughtiest negligee. "I stole your Lodgings, yes, but you, oh gender non-specific one, have stolen... my heart."<br /><br />And then he explodes into a thousand grisly pieces for daring to display a level of mushiness most unbecoming of a demon.<br /><br />...<br /><br />But at least you have your Lodgings back. <em>Result!</em><br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Sympathy For The Devil' quality is now 100.</strong></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< Back|LocationsMenu]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<div style="background-color: #000000; color: white; "><img src="regswin.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 5px;"/>

<p style="padding: 0;">It's... oh, it's you. Well, isn't that a thing? (<span style="color: #C8170E;">Seek psychiatric help</span> if this isn't you.)</p></div><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>From the darkness, light. Warmth. Blue.</h2>And as you open your eyes, it is to the sun shining down from a suddenly unfamiliar sky, life going on all around as if nothing ever happened. Because of course, it didn't. Absolutely nothing happened. Because that would have been crazy. And while in the days to follow, a few people do find a reason to ask the question "Hey. Where's Bognor?", it is a question that soon enough fades from peoples' minds. Perhaps it is merely the acceptance that some things are better unasked. Perhaps, because the enigmatic Masters of the Echo Bazaar will it to be so so.<br /><br />But mostly, honestly, it's because nobody gives even the tiniest shit.

<h2>THE END</h2>You scored 8 points out of a possible 50,000. Final Rank: Starveling Cat.<br /><br />Now maybe <a href="http://www.fallenlondon.com">play a real game instead</a> or <a href="http://www.richardcobbett.com">read the rest of the site.</a></div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><<set $actions -= 1>><<set $grandypants += 20>><<set $truth += 10>><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Nope, totally real. Crap.</h2>If your now bursting notebook didn't prove it, all the increasingly desperate and painful face pinching did. You now look like you've been attacked by a swarm of particularly angry bees, and are still no closer to being back in front of a working broadband connection before the next series of Game of Thrones starts. But at least you've got a better understanding of what makes the world tick. You just hope you never hear it tock.<br /><br /><strong>Grindypants is increasing... Now <<print $grindypants>></strong></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< LEAVE|LocationsMenu]]</div></div>



<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>The Tesco Bazaar</h2>The Masters of the Bazaar have made some big changes to the old place in the short time since you worked here. For instance, you don't remember it being an infinitely high spire of pure obsidian that vibrates to the exact rhythm of any tune that happens to be running through your head when you tap it. But then, you were only expected to worry about the tills. Sometimes trolleys. Either way though, tormenting yourself with thoughts of the past seems unwise at this juncture, not least because most talk of the Surface in both the air and in the skin has officially been banned by the Masters to help ease everybody through this difficult transition period, on pain of a much less easy way if people do not knock it off. It seems a little hard to justify, but from Mr Stones to Mr Fires to Mr Diet Soda and Mr Wobbly But Acceptable Garden Furniture, all Masters agree on the philosophy of silence officially encapsulated in the Tesco Bazaar's new slogan "Reverie Little Helps."<br /><br />The place is packed as you'd expect since the new law that said nobody else was allowed to operate on pain of discovering the depth of the Masters' displeasure, though you can't help but wonder if the brown lettuce and curdling milks being left to simply pile up in the aisles not devoted to dark sorceries and hellish metalworks are just maybe setting a worrying tone for the future of customer service. Or maybe you're just behind the times. There's no reason why this new "Charnel House" can't be as good as the old meat counter, and you do approve of the new sign by the door - the one that says all shoplifters will have their souls ripped out and trapped forever in a vase of legendary torments. That'll show those bloody kids who kept pocketing the Mars bars.</div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="till.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Reapply for your old job</strong>

Just because the Clay Men are stronger and the Devils more cunning and the Rubber Men can even act as mops in a pinch doesn't mean that there's absolutely, totally, guaranteed to be no place for you under the new management.<br /><em>Requires Employability of 99,999</em></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">NO</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< Actually, no|LocationsMenu]]</div>

<<endif>><<if $actions == 0>><<display OutOfActions>><<endif>></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<if $actions == 20>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer20.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 19>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer19.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 18>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer18.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 17>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer17.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 16>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer16.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 15>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer15.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 14>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer14.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 13>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer13.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 12>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer12.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 11>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer11.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 10>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer10.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 9>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer9.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 8>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer8.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 7>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer7.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 6>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer6.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 5>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer5.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 4>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer4.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 3>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer3.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 2>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer2.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 1>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer1.jpg" /><<endif>><<if $actions == 0>><img src="beer/jpeg/beer0.jpg" /><<endif>><br />

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions -= 1>><<set $bought_round -= 1>><<set $devil_defeat += 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><<set $britishness +=5>><h2>He really is most disquietingly muscled...</h2>And you're in luck, because if there's one thing he hates more than the French... well, it's the Germans. And after them, people who cut him up on the street. And then after that little kids who put their hands all over the desserts on the sweet counter, even at really nice restaurants. And those little yappy dogs. And stubbing his toe... goddamn, does he hate that. Did he mention people who spit in public? Just disgusting, were they raised in a barn? Almost as bad as people who say the 'c' word, because that's disgraceful. Oh, mustn't forget people who smoke around children and the elderly, or who talk in the cinema, and music pirates and people who do that thing where their voice rises up at the end of a sentence and-<br /><br />Wait, where was I? he asks. Oh, yeah. Devils. <em>Pricks.</em> Just point the way...<br /><br />And you do. The newly renamed Usurped Devil isn't smiling five minutes later, as he flies out of your front door followed by his own red arse. Unfortunately your Lodgings have almost completely been destroyed during his stay, but it's the <em>principle</em> that matters here. In principle, this was definitely a win. Hurrah for intolerance and alcohol-fuelled violence!<br /><br /><strong>Britishness is increasing... Now <<print $britishness>>!</strong>

</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< BACK|Menu_Pub]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>The Job Centre</h2>Never before have you seen it heave with so many unlucky souls, nor seen as many literally qualify to be called such thanks to the Charismatic Mayor's new trade agreement with the Iron Republic. But their problems are not yours. It might not be possible to starve to death now that death has been escorted to the exit by the Masters of the Bazaar, but three days isn't long enough to break the habit of a lunchtime. And how much longer, really, is McDonalds still going to have access to even quasi-recognisable meat? There is a timer ticking here. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.<br /><br />Wow, do you wish you hadn't started thinking about this.</div>

<<if $doleclosed < 1>><div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="job.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Stand in line to collect the dole</strong>

At least it'll tide you over until you get back on your feet.<br /><em>Warning: Leaving the Job Centre means losing your place in the queue.</em></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|Job_Queue]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><<endif>><div style="clear: both;"></div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="job.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Read the jobs listings</strong>

There's endless possibilities for someone like you. Hopefully <em>enough</em> like you.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|Job_Adverts]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< Actually, no|LocationsMenu]]</div><<endif>>

<<if $actions == 0>><<display OutOfActions>><<endif>>

</div>

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<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<set $actions -= 1>><<set $beatenshitless = 1>><<set $cash = 0.00>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>With might and justice on your side, you charge!</h2>But with the strength of ten men, and the fervour of a new Countdown viewer in the middle of working out what 'GODLYSORT' could be an anagram of, the Usurping Devil is unimpressed. To add insult to injury, he both leaves you lying penniless in the street and has an ASBO taken out to stop you returning and interrupting the next episode.<br /><br/> "Yeah? Well... well, it was ROSTYGOLD," you shout over your shoulder as the constabulary drag you away for a night in the cells and a quick secondary beating to work off some steam from the last couple of days. It may be a small victory, but at least... no. No, that was a bad idea all round.<br /><br /><strong>An occurrence! Your 'Beaten Shitless By The Usurping Devil' Quality is now 100.</strong></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< RETREAT|LocationsMenu]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><<$britishness += 7>><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Third drawer down, just by the forks</h2>The Usurping Devil nods gratefully. "Thank you," he says, and pauses. "You know, in the Iron Republic, such grace in the face of defeat is considered as precious and valuable as the finest rostygold. You have warmed my blackened heart. A single tear falls. Please, as a token of my respect and newfound appreciation for humanity, allow me to return part of your lodgings."<br /><br />"Which part?" you ask, cautiously optimistic.<br /><br />"The front door," snaps the Usurping Devil, slamming it hard in your face.<br /><br /><strong>Britishness is increasing... Now <<print $britishness>>!<br /><br />An occurrence! Your 'Mercy' Quality is now 'Strained'.

</strong></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< LEAVE|LocationsMenu]]</div></div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Wait, was this pentagram here before?</h2>Funny. You don't <em>remember</em> your Lodgings smelling so strongly of sulphur and brimstone. Do you even own the latest edition of Now That's What I Call The Screaming Of The Damned? It only came out yesterday! And more pressingly, since when did you have a Lodgingmate with fangs, orange eyes and...<br /><br />"Ah," says the Usurping Devil. "Were these your Lodgings? How unfortunate it must be to be you."<br /><br />He chuckles to himself as he escorts you out of the front door and slams it in your face.<br /><br />A moment later, it opens again.<br /><br />"By the way, do you have a skillet? It's for a thing."</div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="knocker.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Grit your teeth and tell the Usurping Devil your kitchen layout</strong>

Maybe your politeness will rub off on him<br /><em>Requires a Britishness quality of 21</em></div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|StartDemonPolite]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="evilknocker.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Tell the Usurping Devil to go to hell. Back to hell. Whatever.</strong>

He'll get the message, anyway.</div>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|StartDemonRude]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><<endif>>

</div>

<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "BeerValue">>

<div style="border-top: 1px solid #252525; border-bottom: 1px solid #252525; margin: 2px 0px; padding: 2px; 0px;"><span style="text-align: center; font-size: 11px; float: none; center; color: white;">Actions: <span style="color: #63AC22;"><<print $actions>>/20</span></span></div><div style="border-bottom: 1px solid #252525; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px 0px; padding: 10px 0px;"><img src="sidebar_cash.jpg" title="HER MAJESTY. It is said that she can hear the cries of a True Brit from the other end of the universe, and may even ride in to the rescue. She's just usually too busy waving at things to care." style="padding-right: 7px;" /><span style="color: red;">£<<print $cash>>.00</span></div><img src="sidebar_grind.jpg" title="FINGERS DOWN TO LITTLE NUBS. Goodness, how many things you have clicked... how many wonders must you have seen?" style="padding-right: 2px; margin-top: 15px;" /><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" style="padding-right: 2px;"/><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" />

<span style="color: white; font-size: 11px; ">GRINDYPANTS <span style="color: red;"><<print $grindypants>></span></span>

<img src="sidebar_emp.jpg" title="BURGER FLIPPER. Hey, at least it's more reliable than writing about games."style="padding-right: 2px;" /><img src="media.jpg" title="1 x MEDIA STUDIES DEGREE. It'll come in useful one of these days, guaranteed!" style="padding-right: 2px;"/><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" />

<span style="color: white; font-size: 11px; ">EMPLOYABILITY <span style="color: red;"><<print $employability>></span></span>

<img src="sidebar_snarkasm.jpg" title="A PERSON OF GREAT IMPORTANCE. You are an amazing human being. Really. You're the best." style="padding-right: 2px;" /><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" style="padding-right: 2px;"/><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" />

<span style="color: white; font-size: 11px; ">SNARKASM <span style="color: red;"><<print $snarkasm>></span></span>

<img src="sidebar_british.jpg" title="STIFF UPPER LIP. Keep calm and carry on. Unless someone cuts in line. Then stare the bastard into an early grave." style="padding-right: 2px;" /><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" style="padding-right: 2px;"/><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" />

<span style="color: white; font-size: 11px; ">BRITISHNESS <span style="color: red;"><<print $britishness>></span></span>

<<if $beatenshitless == 1>><img src="sidebar_devil.jpg" title="NOT THE FACE. BUT EVERYWHERE ELSE. EV-ERY-WHERE. In retrospect, should have seen that coming..." style="padding-right: 2px;" /><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" style="padding-right: 2px;"/><img src="blank_sidebar_card.jpg" />

<span style="color: white; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.2em !important; ">BEATEN SHITLESS BY THE USURPING DEVIL <span style="color: red;">100</span></span><<endif>>

<<display "FS_Header">><div class="passage_flstyle"><<if $actions >= 1>><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>An oasis of sozzled normality</h2>For the last few years, The King And Country With The Unfortunate Missing O has been your home away from home, your refuge from the sober world, the only place you can afford to get hammered in, and by this neighbourhood's standards, a pretty classy kind of dive. At least, everyone's pretty sure it's only the one guy keeps shitting in the bathroom sink. Around here, that counts for at least something, though does help explain why no-one ever, <em>ever</em> shakes on anything.<br /><br />But after the last couple of days, that's not top of anyone's list of Important Things. Now, it's a small undiscovered bit of Fallen Swindon still to be intruded upon by the devils and worse, where regulars like... like... Okay, sure, fine. So it's not really a place to swap names or remember faces. Tips and stolen property occasionally, sure, why not? And you never know what you might find.</div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="pub.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Order a pint from the Pneumatic Barmaid</strong><br />She's often been accused of giving too much head on top of beer, but patrons don't seem to mind too much.<br /><em>Drinking beer will restore 3 Actions. Costs £4</em></div><<if $cash < 4 || $barmaid_cutoff == 1>><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">NO</div><<endif>><<if $cash > 3 && $barmaid_cutoff == 0>><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|PubBarmaid]]</div><<endif>><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="pub.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Order a round of drinks from the Crepuscular Publican</strong>

He's never been known to stick around for the whole night, but somehow he knows everything. For a few quid, he'll make sure everyone here gets their favourite.<br /><em>Drinking beer will restore 3 Actions. Costs £15</em></div><<if $cash < 15 || $publican_cutoff == 1>><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">NO</div><<endif>><<if $cash > 14 && $publican_cutoff < 1>><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|PubBartender]]</div><<endif>><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="toilet.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Read the writing on the wall</strong>

At times like these, a toilet stall can as good as a noticeboard. At least, in the absence of an actual noticeboard. Or with the current lack of electricity/internet, Facebook.<br /></div><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|PubToilet]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="fmachine.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Play the fruit machine in the corner</strong>

Okay, so it's not a lot of entertainment for your money, but Lady Luck has blessed your thirsty, late night fumblings before.<br /><em>The Fruit Machine typically pays out £2-200. Costs £1 per go.</em></div><<if $cash < 1 && $cheat_unlocked < 1>><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">NO</div><<endif>><<if $cash > 0 || $cheat_unlocked > 0>><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|PubFruitMachine]]</div><<endif>><div style="clear: both;"></div></div>

<<if $bought_round >= 1 && $devil_defeat == 0>><div class="location_storylet"><div class="location_storylet_icon"><img src="pub.jpg"></div><div class="location_storylet_text"><strong>Engage with the Disquietingly Muscled Bruiser</strong>

He's a big guy. Maybe big enough to go a couple of rounds with a devil of an Usurping nature in even trade for the round of alcoholic beverages you purchased earlier?<br /></div><div class="fs_storylet_location_clickbutton">[[GO|PubBruiser]]</div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><<endif>>

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< Actually, no|LocationsMenu]]</div><<endif>>

<<if $actions == 0>><<display OutOfActions>><<endif>>

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<<display "FS_Footer">>

<<display "FS_Header">><<if $employability >=2>><<$employability-=1>><<endif>><<$actions -= 1>><div class="passage_flstyle"><div class="storylet_text_intro"><h2>Let's see...</h2><<print either(

"This one looks interesting. Small group of Artistic Devils seek willing human subject for life drawing classes'. That could work, if you can stomach the nerves of... wait, hang on, that's only the first part of a two part class. The second half is far less whimsical.","This one could work. A local off-licence is looking for someone willing to dress up and promote its new Welcome To The Neath 'Dear God, Does This Call For A Drink' sale on the streets of Fallen Swindon. Humiliating, but at least... wait, you suddenly realise that the costume is the spitting image of Mr Wines. And now you look at it a little moroe closely, the advert does have some odd patches of dark red splatter that probably aren't just a carelessly spilled rosé.","Courier wanted. Package not to be opened, however much it begs. Ideal employee will have type O blood, natural aversion to questions, and access to own moped. Drat. You only have a bus pass.","Oooh, this one's interesting. The Charismatic Mayor is looking for volunteers for a hot air balloon based trip to the top of the Neath to try and reconnect Fallen Swindon's broadband. That's the kind of civic minded project you can... no, wait. On more careful reading, your official title would be 'ballast'.", "Here's a potential one. 'Tome Reader wanted for the Tomb Colonies. Definitely no dyslexics. Not again. Never again.' Hmm. No, Venderbight is a killer commute.")>><<if $employability >=2>><br /><br /><strong>Employability is falling... Now <<print $employability >>!</strong><<endif>><br />

<div class="fs_storylet_location_backbutton">[[< BETTER NOT|Menu_JobCentre]]</div></div>

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