If you want to change, forgive yourself. Don’t be ashamed.

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I am a former gamer. I used to play first-person shooters like Counter-Strike 1.6, Unreal Tournament 2004, Team Fortress 2, and Quake 3. I was a co-founder of the Appalachian State University gaming club while I was there from 2002-2007. I was also the primary administrator for our Counter-Strike 1.6 server which for a time was the number 1 server listed on Gamespy. While I don’t game much anymore I still have a lot of friends who do and through them I’ve kept up with some of the controversy your blog post is referencing.

For over two years I have been examining my past hurt and pain and in general looking inward to understand who I am and what it means to be alive. I have used feminism, psychology, psychotherapy, spirituality and metaphysical theories to achieve that goal. It has been very difficult but greatly rewarding due to the equally great growth I’ve achieved.

To some degree it seems you are starting on this same journey. That deserves incredible praise because it’s this work that has the greatest potential for making the world a better place. I believe that because I believe all conflict begins internally; we must resolve inner conflict to resolve external conflict.

That you are doing inner work at all deserves praise, but that you are doing it openly deserves even greater praise not only because of the extra courage required, but because it is inspirational to others. As such I would like to offer some additional insight and recommendations to you, which I hope may be useful to others as well.

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If you are serious about diversity and healing the wounds of those you have hurt, you must forgive yourself first.

Many people go their whole lives avoiding their trauma or pain because they fear getting close to it again. What they don’t know is that feeling it and acknowledging it is the only way they will ever be able to let go of it. That you have done enough digging to apologize shows you have made great progress already. That you have discovered your verbal violence or “bully” like behavior was rooted in people being hurtful to you is not surprising. Violence is a cycle. Everyone has been hurt to some degree and until we understand that hurt we can’t do anything but perpetuate it.

But the most important thing you need to hear right now is this:

You are not a bad person.

I say that because this line in your blog suggests you might think so:

“I’ve said I’m sorry for the things I’ve said but I’ve never apologized for who I am.”

This combined with the fact you said you feel “ashamed and embarrassed” strikes me as the definition of shame (in contrast to guilt) as explained by Brene Brown. A succinct explanation of the difference between guilt and shame follows (I can’t remember if this is verbatim Brene Brown, probably is though):

Guilt is the feeling that I’ve made a mistake while shame is the feeling of I am a mistake.

It’s okay to feel guilty, but you do not need shame. Knowing you have made a mistake is enough. Shame cripples people and perpetuates the mistakes it’s associated with, because if you think you are a mistake, you think, “how could I do anything but make more mistakes?” Knowing you are not your mistakes, but that you have made mistakes, you can still say: “well I made a mistake, but I don’t have to make that mistake again.”

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The fact that you said you think you should apologize for who you are makes me wonder if you have internalized some of the worst criticisms directed towards you, and I’m sure they went from reasonable to completely unreasonable. I’m sure people said you should be ashamed (and it seems you have agreed), or that you should be hurt, or worse. None of that is true. You deserve compassion because you were hurt as a child and haven’t yet fully recovered from it. Instead some are punishing you with their hurtful language. This is typical of our society but it is not the only way of responding to those who hurt others:

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”

― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Ultimately, those that punish you with their hurtful language are in pain too.

You mentioned that you are serious about diversity at PAX and making it better for everyone. To do this you will need to create an environment where all people feel welcomed, comfortable and safe. Doing this for people unlike yourself can sometimes require a lot of compassion, but it’s going to require even more compassion for those that you’ve already hurt because their hurt may continue to spill over into you, like it already has with their words.

We all need compassion, but compassion for others starts after we give it to ourselves. If you are serious about diversity and healing the wounds of those you have hurt, you must forgive yourself first.

After you let go of your shame by forgiving yourself I invite you to take down the two comics which started the controversy. You could link to your Resolution blog instead. By rectifying a past indiscretion you would buttress your message claiming you desire to work harder and change.

Remember, as they say, actions speak louder than words.

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An older version of this was originally published at John Brier Unedited.

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—Photo robhardingii/Flickr