I barely even want to write a blog because I don’t want to talk about things.

Maybe I should start with thank yous.

Thank you to Heather and Tera at the UFC Performance institute for helping me rehab my injuries and allow me to enter my fight pain free. Thanks Dr. B for treating me. Thanks Lorenzo for getting me in shape under difficult circumstances so I could enter the octagon in good cardio shape for my fight against Lauren. Thank you to John for cornering me. I wish we had more time to get back into the swing of things after the lock down ended and I healed up. Huge thanks to AJ for all the tools he added to my tool box in and out of lockdown, training me when the gym was closed, cornering me, being a huge support to me in general, and being an awesome friend. Thank you to Lorenzo for making me a priority. You make me feel like a professional athlete and had my back like I’ve never experienced before. Thanks for being my family when my family can’t be here.

I’m 100% responsible for my fight once I’m in that cage. People helped me get there, but it’s no one’s fault if I lose. I’m crushed that I wasn’t able to pull off the win.

back stage before my fight

I wanted to overcome my challenges and get a victory. I guess even making it to the fight was overcoming many different things. “After all, someone is fighting you back.” I think it was Lorenzo who said that.

Despite beating Maycee, last time I was somewhat disappointed I wasn’t able to do more Muay Thai stuff on my feet, things AJ showed me. I really wanted to.

This time, despite losing, I WAS able to throw more attacks I hadn’t been able to do before, so I achieved those goals! So I’m proud of myself for that. I just couldn’t win…it crushed me.

AJ decided to move away, but waited until after my fight. Thank you for that. I wanted to send him off with a win together, and it was the worst that I couldn’t do that. Coaches get hurt when their fighters lose, too. I am sorry, AJ, John, and Lorenzo.

If only this. If only that. I shouldn’t think this way but it’s nearly impossible not to. A smart person tries to not make the same mistakes twice.

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – JUNE 20: (R-L) Roxanne Modafferi punches Lauren Murphy in their flyweight bout during the UFC Fight Night event at UFC APEX on June 20, 2020 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Chris Unger/Zuffa LLC)

It was a good, close fight.

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – JUNE 20: (L-R) Lauren Murphy punches Roxanne Modafferi in their flyweight bout during the UFC Fight Night event at UFC APEX on June 20, 2020 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Chris Unger/Zuffa LLC)LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – JUNE 20: (R-L) Roxanne Modafferi punches Lauren Murphy in their flyweight bout during the UFC Fight Night event at UFC APEX on June 20, 2020 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Chris Unger/Zuffa LLC)

Congratulations to Lauren on her victory. She trained and fought hard, and deserves the opportunities she gets. We all had our struggles and challenges leading up to the fight. You have to win no matter what difficulties surround you.

A week passed of me limping around, depressed every night, not wanting to train, and binge-eating. The swelling on my elbow finally started going down. (The bursa sacks on my elbows are damaged from me elbowing people’s skulls, so after every fight they swell up and I can’t bend my arms.) Other stuff started hurting less. I started getting the itch… “I wish I were better at that…..and this….” I didn’t even want to do it, but forced myself to started drilling techniques around my injuries. I have to be better than the me that lost in the past. I hate that insufficient little me of the past who caused me so much pain, so I have to work hard to get stronger.

I got a lot of joy out of returning to teaching my kids class, which was so small due to Covid-19. Their energy is so precious and angelic!

Every day when I go into Syndicate, and immediately to my right is the Muay Thai mat. I always say hi to AJ, and then say hi to Mama Wood at the front desk, drop my bags in the changing rooms, and go say hi to John in the cage. Now, I look to the right and AJ’s not there…

Everybody has their own lives to lead so I’m happy for him! My clinch buddy Helena is also not there. I miss training with her!!

Finally last week, my elbow swelling went down a lot and I was able to train a bit. All the improvements I have made over the past months are there, I realized! It felt great!

Then I got another fight offer to fight Andrea Lee Sep 12th. Really? Cool, I guess? I hadn’t even emotionally recovered from the last fight. Of course I said yes to the offer. It got leaked by the end of the day.

The next day I woke up a little more excited. Even though Coach AJ is gone, he’s not! He put an axe in my hands and I’m going to keep sharpening it. (literally and figuratively) Coaches leave bits of themselves with their students. I’ve had so many teachers…I still do stuff K-Taro taught me in Japan, Kadowaki, Katsumura, Capitao…. I don’t see them anymore at all, but they’ll always be with me.

We went axe throwing in January

Now I get another chance sooner rather than later. I can’t wait to train more with John, Mike Pyle, and teammates. I know what I have to do.

Team “Thug Thai” Ezekiel and Noah

I’m excited about taking jiujitsu class with the Shapiro Brothers now!

Jerry Shapiro

Gotta pull myself together! Life won’t wait. My life is a race – gotta RUN RUN RUN!!! Life isn’t perfect. Handle it! And I gotta do it with a smile because that’s my job – I’m the Happy Warrior. The depressed happy warrior but I’ll keep going and get this win this time. haha I need more ice cream. Just kidding, I went up to 147 lbs due to sodium imbalance after my fight and also eating, but yesterday went back to 141. Geez. That was disgusting.

I kind of wanted to visit my family, and I usually take a trip after fights. They’re in New York, New Jersey, and Florida, so now is definitely NOT a good time to go to these places.