Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly been studying up on the ideology of the terrorist group ISIS in order to better understand one of America’s top global enemies, and has been surprised at how many of the caliphate’s policies he supports himself.

The Halfway Post reached out to Mr. Pence, and the following is the discussion:

THP: “What have you been most surprised about in your education on ISIS?”

MP: “How ahead of America they are on the role of women in government. Women have no role at all! America is decades behind in kicking women out of positions of authority! Can you imagine an American government with no women? Picture the accomplishments the US could achieve if there weren’t so many childless succubi distracting good, Christian bureaucrats with their exposed ankles, v-neck dresses, bare shoulders, and pant suits slipping in between their buttocks cheeks! I was born way too late in the 20th Century, and I really would have thrived in the Victorian era back when American women wore massively cumbersome dresses that obscured every curve of their feminine devil physiques. How are men supposed to govern the country if they can see the rough outline of unmarried females’ bodies? ISIS has the right idea by banning women from governmental work and covering them up in public!”

THP: “You don’t find radical Islamic fundamentalists’ culture oppressive?”

MP: “Sure they may go overboard here and there, but, the more I learn about them, the more I learn their heart is in the right place. ISIS is against abortion, contraception, equal pay for women, diversity, multiculturalism, democracy, gun control, teaching evolution, gay stuff, they’re very pro-capital punishment, they’re not worried about climate change… it wouldn’t take much to turn them into Republicans! Just substitute ‘Allah’ for Jesus and you’d never tell the difference! I tell you what, bringing in the ISIS caliphate as America’s 51st state would give the Republican Party two more reliably conservative Senate votes!”

We hung up.

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