Asian Man Records is one of the worst companies in the world. Sure, there are some huge chemical corporations that outdo them from an ethical standpoint, but Asian Man's got more than their fair share of despicable attributes. Here's our beef: these people have been clogging our nation's already-diseased musical arteries with high-cholesterol punk for many moons, and someone needs to stop them. When one of the few good things that can be said about one of your label's albums-- and we're talking about Maybe I'll Catch Fire, here-- is that its title reflects the general public's wishes for the band, you've got a problem.

So, anyway, this record isn't so good. It sounds like Less Than Jake without the ska, though slightly more conventional, and somehow worse. And I think it goes without saying that none of us are very big on Less Than Jake. (As you know, there's not too much of worth in the ska genre, and Less Than Jake aren't exactly the next Skankin' Pickle. Yeah, we know that's not saying a lot.)

Maybe I'll Catch Fire serves as the musical equivalent of Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder without the hyperactivity part. When you put this album on, you can't just sit there and listen to it. We found ourselves searching desperately for something else to do. Oh, sure, you might be able to listen to it while sleeping or admiring yourself in the mirror (a personal favorite pastime), but it doesn't hold up as well when you actually pay attention. This could be viewed as something of a drawback, although the demographic Alkaline Trio is aiming for might find some use for the disc as background music for staring blankly at the wall or drooling.

Occasionally, these wry, angst-filled young white boys might bring a smile to your face with the irresistible power of pop/punk-- might. But if you're waiting for a transcendental slice of musical genius that takes you, shakes you, and leaves you lying breathless on the floor wearing three socks, it ain't coming. Trust us-- we've listened to Maybe I'll Catch Fire on headphones several times, and we're still unable to differentiate between any two songs without the aid of the track listing.

Normally, given a band we don't have any particular reason to dislike, we'd try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But the Alkaline Trio are just bad. They border on the moronic. And Maybe I'll Catch Fire just flat-out isn't a good album. Maybe their next one will be better. Maybe we'll bother to find out. Or maybe we'll just laugh and laugh at them, until their eyes well up with salty tears and they threaten to carve "fuck you" into their arms with razors. Anything's possible.

-Beatty & Garrett