PALATINE, IL—Emphasizing that quality time with his boy was something to savor now because “someday soon he’ll be too big for this kind of thing,” local father Marty Baker spent Tuesday afternoon joyfully throwing his 7-year-old son, Kyler, around the backyard. “Nothing better than getting a little fresh air while flinging my boy across the lawn,” said Baker, adding that the two of them had enjoyed a “nice little conversation” as he hurled the 7-year-old boy high up into the tree canopy. “The sun was out, we had a nice little breeze, totally relaxing. Kyler did manage to clear the fence at one point, and I had to ask old man Johnson to throw him back. My little guy might have skinned his knee a bit in the commotion, but hey, that’s just part of the game. Pretty great day, overall. Can’t wait for him to get a little older so we can break out the ol’ wooden bat.” Baker has repeatedly denied any responsibility for the jagged 7-year-old boy-shaped hole in his neighbor’s bay window.

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