Of late, there’s been a lot of talk about development and job creation. But much of it has been rather vague and the people of India want to know more. So I spoke to half a dozen career counselors from across the country and asked them which fields are going to offer the most opportunities for the youth of India. Here are the Top Ten.

1. Textbook rewriters: It is well known that our school textbooks—especially the ones brought out by the NCERT—have too much of facts and not enough propaganda. Too much of history and not enough mythology. Too much of science and not enough fantasy. This needs to be fixed urgently. You are the textual plumber who will fix the academic content as per the directions of the accredited scholars of Vedic India.

2. Vedic historians: It is a matter of common sense that all the inventions, discoveries, and benefits of modern science and technology, such as grafting elephant head on human body through plastic surgery, or harnessing nuclear fusion to create a Brahmastra, were commonplace in the civilization of the ancient Hindus that flourished for 80,000 years, from 90,000 BC to 10,000 BC. But two things happened in 10,000 BC: on the one hand, common sense became uncommon. What happened on the other hand is what we need Vedic historians to research. You need three things to make the cut: a fertile imagination, the ability to distinguish Vedic from non-Vedic facts, and the alchemical knowhow to transmute the latter into the former.

3. Sanskrit teacher: If you’ve been reading the papers and watching television channels, this doesn’t need any explanation. In case you happen to be a German teacher in a Kendriya Vidyalaya, well, look on the bright side: both Sanskrit and German belong to the same family! Raise your fist, say “Jai Achtung," and go forth and conjugate!

4. Yoga teacher: From time immemorial, people all over the world in stressful circumstances have been taking deep breaths without knowing that they were doing pranayama. Their ignorance was so deep that they did not know that they did not know that pranayama is an innovation of yoga, which is an innovation of Vedic India. But now, with a whole new ministry dedicated to encouraging your career prospects, the age of ignorance is officially over. The world is your yoga mat.

5. Moral policeman: This is one of the most high-profile careers right now. Indian morals are under siege from every side. Every day we see a new threat raising its turgid head in a bid to corrupt the pristine glory of Hindu morals (the orthodox name for Indian morals). If there is a Kiss of Love attack one day, then there is Love Jihad on the next. Moral policemen are the karmic warriors who will protect Indian culture from Indians. If you have no girlfriend, have never had one, and have no hope of persuading one to go out on a date with you, then know that you have exactly what it takes to be a guardian of Indian culture and Hindu morals.

6. Satsang/Mata ki Chowki consultant: If you don’t know what a satsang is, no matter. There is a growing market for satsangs in India right now. As also for mata ki chowkis. If you have basic organizational skills, and a network of failed chanda collectors, failed audio technicians, failed tent-suppliers, failed singers, failed samosa vendors, and failed furniture dealers, print your visiting card and start your business venture. Worst-case scenario, your business might fail. In which case, the experience gained will give you extra credentials to start afresh as 5 above.

7. Astrologer: Need I tell you, the future of astrology has never been brighter. Given the ongoing renaissance of Vedic knowledge, and the blessings of the new human resources development ministry, Vedic astrology, as was predicted by Vedic astrologers 12,014 years ago, is all set to advance from its golden age to the platinum age. As you would already know if you were any good, you will shortly go on to make astrology your full-time occupation, and die a rich man on an auspicious day.

8. Riot engineer: Actually, there are no such people as riot engineers. Riots always happen spontaneously in the months preceding an election. All the same, though the existence of riot engineers is yet to be empirically proven — they are like the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, first described by the Vedic physicist Planckayana in 25,548 BC — their existence can be inferred by other quantum phenomena. In other words, remember rule number 1: you don’t talk about fight club.

9. Sant/Baba/Swami: Don’t get discouraged by what happened to Sant Rampal. Sooner or later, the enlightened swamis shall prevail over the impudent Goswamis. In the meantime, learn the art of living it up while talking it down, of serving the powerful while luring the powerless, and be generous in offering your followers’ votes to the party that deserves it the most. And one more thing: don’t get caught kissing even a bag of cement, no matter if it’s consensual.

10. Spin doctors: These are specialists who can cure diseases of the image, treat painful public opinion, and heal reputations harmed by unexpected outbreaks of truth. If you have the talent to make people believe that black is white, the sun is the moon, and the moon is an egg laid by the government, then this is the line for you.

So good luck! And May the God of Development be with you.

Subscribe to Mint Newsletters * Enter a valid email * Thank you for subscribing to our newsletter.

Share Via