Share 0 SHARES

LOCAL pintman Eddie Curtin has called on the government to intervene and rectify the scarcity of pubs in Ireland in which it is possible to just go and have a pint in fucking peace, WWN can reveal.

Curtin has bemoaned the preference of bars to blare music in an attempt to pretend such noise passes for a ‘good atmosphere’ while singling out other factors like tables grouped too closely together, people constantly updating Instagram stories by taking pictures and ‘the fucking tourists’ for their part in making pubs impossible to enjoy.

“I’m about as comfortable as a snowman in an oven the way pubs have gone,” Curtin explained midway through a pint served in a stupid looking glass altogether.

“Why is it so hard to just to be left alone to stew over a pint without having my head fucking wrecked,” Curtin added, before being disturbed by the presence group of Japanese tourists wearing ‘Wild Atlantic Way’ t-shirts despite being in Waterford City.

“All my old haunts closed with the recession. I was in one place the other day there and they were charging €9 for a pint and I nearly ate the head off the barman until he told me it was actually a Celtic Tiger-themed bar, which explains why he offered me a 100% mortgage now that I think about it,” Curtin continued.

Curtin then pursed his lips awaiting the taste of his pint only to be interrupted by an enthusiastic young man in glasses asking Curtin if he would be signing up for the Game of Thrones pub quiz which was about to start blaring out the speakers any minute now.

The quiet pint loving man also lamented bar staff from a bygone era who prided themselves in protecting lads at bars such as himself from nuisances like happy people who insisted on treating pubs as if they’re mini-nightclubs.

Spotting Curtin’s agitated nature from afar, the bar man in the Irish Folk bands and Avengers movies-themed bar which only serves drinks out of recycled dog bowls suggested Curtin try to relax by picking out one of the board games from the bar’s extensive collection to play.

“Board games? How about I fucking board you, sail you out to the middle of the ocean and sink you, you cretin,” Curtin screamed before ripping off his shirt and knocking the bar man out.

Curtin then decamped to a field in the middle of nowhere with a bag of cans in a bid to experience the tranquility he craved.