A Brooklyn federal court judge laughed in the face of ​a ​retired NYPD ​officer who ​pled guilty to running a high-end escort service​ Wednesday​, ​after his defense attorney ​claimed ​the ex-cop was merely trying to provide platonic companionship for the deep-pocketed lonely.

“I could explain that to any middle schooler in New York City, and they’d laugh at that,” Brooklyn Federal Court Justice Carol Bagley Amon ​responded after Michael Rizzi’s ​lawyer Javier Solano called the endeavor “wholesome.”

“That’s ridiculous,” ​Bagley scoffed. “What are they, the visiting nurses of New York?”

Meanwhile, Rizzi ​begged the judge for leniency, reminding her in court papers that he “did not invent the world of escorts and prostitution,” and even quoting King Henry VIII’s 1546 proclamation ​that ordered the closing of all London brothels.

The bid also included a picture of Rizzi posing with his cat.