You realize we live in a world where you can walk into any CVS and there are more products on the shelves for bleaching your asshole than there are for bleaching your teeth?

What the fuck went wrong?

I’ll tell you what went wrong… We have become a society centered around what kids think. And by “kids”, I don’t mean the 20-somethings who are working their asses off across all industries. I mean the sub-20 crowd that still gets their meat cut by their moms.

It used to be that the popular style of dress, music, anus color, and all around culture was dictated by adults. As a result, men wore sharp hats, women wore dresses to cover their discolored backdoors, and the radio played light jazz.

Which isn’t to say that I pine for the “Leave It To Beaver” lifestyle. But I look around now, and what I see just doesn’t sit well either. Common culture is being driven by a younger generation that has been nowhere and has done nothing.

It’s driving me deeper and deeper into that “grumpy old man mode”, and yet, I am part of the problem… Shit, I am almost 50, but I know at least 3 rappers with the first name “Lil”, and they’re all more than just a lil terrible.

I think I have a solution. One that might drive things back towards sanity. And that solution is telling your kids the n-word- “No”.

I am guilty of buying-things-I-don’t-need-with-money-I-don’t-have-to-impress-people-I-don’t-like as much as the next guy, but I do it with money I made. When I was growing up, I never owned a pair of shoes that were more expensive than the ones my dad wore, but my kids are cranking out Jordans 2 pairs at a time, while their feet grow a size a month.

I just gotta say “No.”

There are kids in grammar school wearing SUPREME t-shirts… Which I think are $300 a piece… Why would you give your kid that luxury? Better yet, even if YOU have the disposable income for that kind of swag, what the fuck did your kid do to deserve it?

My kid comes to me looking for a $300 t-shirt?… He or she gets the n-word.

They want to go out with their friends on a night where I plan on taking their mom out and ravaging her in a dimly lit parking lot after a booze drenched meal?… They get the n-word.

“Can you cut the crusts of my sandwich?”… N-word plus a “Fuck you.” Crusts are delicious, you spoiled pricks.

And the reason being is that kids just don’t fucking matter. They add nothing to the bottom line, except emotionally. And it’s okay to let them know that.

I protect my kids. I respect my kids. I provide for my kids. I spoil my kids. I love my kids. But I also let my kids know that I come first… I get the big piece of fucking chicken at dinner… I get the comfy corner seat on the couch… And for Christs’s sake, turn off that fucking Fortnite and walk the dog.

I drifted there a little… Not sure how the bulk of this content relates back to the original mention of that anal bleach array at CVS, but I think I will leave it in because it was fun to write. And maybe if you are the father of an 18 year old daughter and you’re looking for a reason to use the n-word for the first time, do it when she asks for money to bleach her anus… She’s not doing it for herself, daddy. Her ass is gonna be on film.

Take a report.

-Large