As printed in the April 1, 1998, Daily Nexxxus

Forty-Foot Winged Reptiles Need Your Love, Too

>>One Nexxxus Staffer Speaks Out for Belief, Tolerance, and the Crusade Against Society's ... err ... Dehumanization

Picture © Lisa Doty 1998; all rights reserved

I've been silent on it for too long, and the time has come for me to tell the world: I am a dragon.

Oh, not physically (not now). I don't have scales or wings any more than you do. Long decades ago, I chose to assume the form of a human in order to better study your society. I move among you, silent, unseen, elusive. Sort of like a ninja or a spy master, except generally those guys have some sort of secret nefarious plot to follow and consequently know what they're doing.

To avoid suspicion, I was born and grew up like every other normal child. This quickly led to a string of educational triumphs, mishaps and tragedies; a piece of paper certifying that even a hibernating lizard can graduate from high school; and an invitation to one of California's most excellent and diverse universities. (Unfortunately, the Secret Service threw a fit when they found out I'd only be two buildings down from Chelsea. Some myths about dragons and young ladies die hard. So I came to UCSB instead.)

I ended up gravitating toward the press, which after all is a very natural place to be if you want to observe society. (Note to conspiracy theorists: There is absolutely no evidence of any kind to support a "dragon media takeover" hypothesis. Now, go find it.) The lessons I've learned over my years here as a UCSB student and a Nexxxus staffer have been invaluable. And I am revealing the truth about my draconity, now, because it's critical that we all come to an understanding before the Changes hit -- that human society know about, and be ready to accept, dragons when we return and offer our claw in peace.

"This is all well and good," I can hear you saying now, "but dragons don't exist."

Don't tell me. Let me guess. You've never seen one before.

Oh, of course, ultimately it's not about that, right? After all, nobody you know has ever seen one, either. And nobody has ever proved, to general satisfaction, that they're here. So the great mass of the human world goes about their business, having thrown the burden of proof to the dragon, and happily lives in ignorance.

The great problem here is that it's not really to the dragon's advantage to demonstrate its existence. Western culture -- practically since its inception -- seems to have the singular aim of not merely oppressing, but outright destroying dragons wherever they be found. (Anyone remember Beowulf? What did we ever do to him? And Terence and the maiden were getting along just fine before "Saint" George decided to play soldier boy.) Even with the growing cultural sensitivity of the 20th century, it has not significantly improved.

Not, I should point out, free of fear like T. rex must have been in his day. We are not rulers, nor do we mean to hold humanity under our claw. All we ask is coexistence, tolerance, perhaps even (in time) love. Is that so different from what the rest of you want? Can anyone rightfully expect more than to be treated as an equal?

Hm? Yes, you there? The skeptic in the back. "Maybe you didn't hear me. Dragons don't exist." (Oh, of course, silly me. How stupid of me not to heed the wisdom of a civilization that spends more money on jails than on schools.)

Allow me to digress for a moment. I noticed a few days ago that McDonald's signs, which once advertised how many burgers they'd collectively flipped, now simply read "billions and billions served." Now, as University students, we are all already used to being simply numbered cogs in the wheels of education ... but this new trend is even more disturbing: They're not even giving us the benefit of a number any more.

It used to be that even simply by eating a burger you could be one of an elite -- 640 million, or 780 million, or 1 billion, in McDonald's case -- and they've given up even that pretense now; we are becoming just anonymous drops of water in the tidal surge of progress.

To follow up on that point: Ignore for a moment whether dragons truly exist (we do) or are even possible (we are). This is an issue of identity and personal pride. If you deny my draconity you are writing me off as just one of the crowd -- and if even such relative oddities as dragons are part of the faceless masses, what hope is there for humanity to lift itself out of anonymity?

We all -- human, dragon, or otherwise -- have to stand up and be proud of who we are. All of us have the drive to rise above the crowd. The only way we're going to get there is by working together, building on each other's identities, deriving strength from our differences, and standing out in our own ways.

And I am proud to be a dragon. Every time I sleep crazy hours (and, believe me, I hibernate when I sleep), add another book or CD to my hoard, or feel my shoulder blades itch when I stare from the window of tall buildings, I am quietly celebrating my heritage.

And ... hm? Yes, you, the skeptic in the back? "Okay ... so ... what exactly do dragons do with the young ladies they kidnap?"

Well, first take note that history is written by the dragon slayers, and xenophobia made "kidnapping" a logical lie. Those maidens were there because they wanted to be. And as for what they did ... well, let's just say that, like me, there have always been people working to bring the two species closer together ...

Baxil, pronounced bakh-HEEL, is the Daily Nexxxus copy dragon.

At this point you may be wondering ...

Wait, this was an April Fools' Day article. How serious is this guy?

I won't give you a quick soundbite answer. Despite the media's most cherished delusions, life does not work that way.



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