PARIS—Stopping every few blocks to tilt back their heads in wonder, idiotic hick tourists on their first visit to Paris made utter fools of themselves this week by unabashedly gawking at the timeless splendor of some of the most beautiful examples of architecture in human history. “Check out these dopes goggling at this breathtaking testament to the melding of engineering and human creativity,” said Eiffel Tower tour guide Henri Bergeron, disdainfully pointing out a large group of vacationers clearly dumbstruck by the zenith of mankind’s structural accomplishments. “Oh, what, they’ve never seen a heart-stopping tribute to humanity’s potential before? Year after year, these vulgarians come to Paris to clog our streets, mangle our language, take up too much space in cafés, and openly marvel at the stunning achievements of the human mind and spirit. Typical Americans.” Bergeron added that he doesn’t come to their small towns and gawk at their stupid triplexes.

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