I was on a trip with three friends recently and we were walking down the street after drinking too much. My two engaged friends started having an in depth conversation about relationships, maturity, and marriage. I slowed down and let them walk ahead of me. My remaining friend and I had something much more pressing to talk about: the placement of Roger Moore in our James Bond actor rankings.

The argument had started back in the bar. I said Moore is #3, behind Sean Connery and Daniel Craig, and my friend placed him at a distant 5th. The spirited discussion continued throughout our long walk back to the neighborhood where we were staying, and into a detour at a falafel place. As luck would have it, the two of us having the Bond argument doused our sandwiches with a mysterious, chunky hot sauce, which resulted in both of us getting horrible food poisoning. Later, we concluded that the universe had been punishing us for putting so much energy into an argument that was so incredibly stupid. We agreed that it would be best for everyone if we were to put the Moore discussion to bed and move on, doing our best to live something resembling normal lives. But it’s Roger Moore’s birthday today, and hard as I try to seem like a reasonable, well adjusted person who’s able to function in society, the fact is that I’m a huge wiener who spends hours thinking about fucking James Bond movies. So, at the risk of the universe seeing fit to re-poison my innards, here it is: my case for why Roger Moore is actually a pretty awesome James Bond.

As I said before, Moore is not my favorite. Connery was perfect. And Craig has done a great job of revitalizing the series while still keeping many of the things weenies like myself love about it intact. However, sometimes I fear that in the Craig era of gritty realism, we’re missing some of the fun. Most of the people with whom I have long conversations about James Bond — in addition to not having significant others — share my buddy’s opinion about Moore. He was “too silly,” “didn’t give a shit,” and kept starring in Bond movies until he was “old as fuck.” Well, all of that may be true, but is it wrong? In the case of the “old as fuck” thing, yes, he was wrong. Watching him cruise for babes with a fake tan at 58 in A View To A Kill is almost as dangerous for my stomach as that aforementioned chunky hot sauce. But, I think he brought something vital to the role that, while it didn’t make him the #1 or #2, worked for him more often than it didn’t. Has the popularity of the recent direction the series has gone in caused people to turn their backs on the man who gave them so many great villain deaths, inappropriate one liners, and lightheartedly absurd sex scenes? I think it has, and I don’t like it. I think in the grand scheme of things, he’s better than Dalton and Pierce (Pierce and I hang out all the time so I’ll use his first name).

NOTE: I won’t pit Moore or any other Bond actor against George Lazenby. Lazenby is an outlier. A mystery. Experts will be pondering his contribution to the series until the end of time — or at least until they get lives.

But back to Moore. His haters aren’t baseless. He made mistakes. For one thing, he’s widely known for having done almost none of his own stunts, and consequently, some of his action scenes ended up looking pretty terrible. But on the flipside, his tenure was a golden age for the green screen industry! (or whatever the fuck they used back then…)

And evidently the film’s producers had trouble finding stunt doubles who looked anything like him…

His penchant for the jokier side of the character caused screenwriters to lean too hard in that direction, especially in the last two. The most glaring example of this is the infamous Octopussy clown incident.

You know you’ve done something wrong when you make a movie called Octopussy and people complain about something besides the fact that your movie was called Octopussy.

And then there’s his biggest offense: staying in the role way too long. He really starts to show his age in his last three. For Your Eyes Only is awesome, but after that the movies started to fall apart at the same rate and consistency that his body did.

But, he did a lot right. As you’re probably aware, he made seven official Bond movies — more than any other actor. There are people out there who think that fact alone makes him the quintessential Bond. While I don’t practice Moore-manism, I think they have a point. For one thing, aside from Connery, Moore was the only Bond who could really sell the shit out of a pithy, post- or pre-death pun. Are puns stupid? Yes. But if executed properly, they can also be hilarious — especially if someone has just died. Here are a few of my favorites:

His final words to Hugo Drax before pushing him out into space after shooting him with a dart from his watch gun: “Take a giant step for mankind.”

After not falling down an elevator’s trapdoor into a shark tank in The Spy Who Loved Me: “You did want me to drop in…”

After causing Kananga to fill with air and explode (I forget how) in Live And Let Die: “He always did have an inflated opinion of himself.”

They’re all dumb, but dammit, he makes them work. Dalton just couldn’t do that. When he says, “He got the boot” after cutting a guy’s shoelace to make him fall out of a plane in The Living Daylights, it makes you want to hurl (his license to kill didn’t apply to comedy. HELLO!!!). Pierce could sell a good pun, but his movies’ writers didn’t give him many. I can still remember an entire theater full of people groaning after hearing him say, “I thought Christmas only comes once a year” to Denise Richards’ Christmas Jones at the end of The World Is Not Enough (I also remember wishing that I hadn’t seen that movie with my father). And, to break the silence on Lazenby, his directly-to-the-camera “This never happened to the other fellow” line remains one of the weirdest, lamest moments ever captured on film. That poor bastard…

And while Moore’s tongue-in-cheek take might not have worked all the time, at least he HAD a take, and stuck to it confidently. To me, Dalton just never picked one. He’s a good actor and made two respectable Bond flicks, but when I watch those movies I don’t know who I’m watching. In the dramatic parts he seems to give too much of a shit, and in the silly parts he just doesn’t sell it.

And speaking of not selling it, let’s talk about Dalton’s sex scenes. Oh, that’s right: there aren’t any! Moore had many. Sure, he started to come off as creepy in his older age (who doesn’t?), but who else do you know that pull off having relations with a C.I.A. agent at zero gravity while his unwitting boss watches? It’s completely insane, but it somehow works in the Moonraker universe because of Moore’s commitment to its absurdity.

Sure, Moore starred in some stankers. But I argue that because of his confidence in the role, his stankers are oddly more watchable than those of the others. Is The Man With the Golden Gun long and pointless? It sure is! Does Moonraker make any sense? Not at all! But if either of those are on Spike while I’m flipping through the channels on a Saturday, you better believe I’m canceling my plans (not that I’d have any). (Incidentally, the length and frequency of Spike’s commercial breaks makes The Man With the Golden Gun last nine hours.) Moore’s ease puts you at ease, and makes it easier to sit back and enjoy how crappy some of his movies are. When Dalton or Pierce are in a scene that isn’t working, you can sense that they want to kill themselves, which can be unpleasant. Even when he’s on a sinking ship, Moore seems to stay afloat, with a raft made of smarminess, self-awareness, and shitty puns.

So for Moore’s birthday this year, celebrate by doing something Mooreish. Take something less seriously than you probably should. Overstay your welcome somewhere. And for godsakes, make love to your partner at zero gravity while your boss watches. Life’s too short to be Daniel Craig all the time. I suggest you find a way to strike the right balance between the two. In other words, live each day like you’re Sean Connery. Will coming out with this post poison my insides? As of this writing, the answer remains a Lazenby.

Brendan McLaughlin is a comedian and writer, most recently for Best Week Ever.

RELATED: Booze, broads & Bond: Roger Moore’s memoir [NY Post]

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Photos: United Artists / Everett Collection