A lady

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And water. And light. And trees. And all the other stars and the moon and the sun too. Yes, in that order, motherfuckers, it says so right there in the book. And the fishes. And the animals. And the dinosaur bones in the ground that would one day fuck with those idiot scientists, lol.

And God told all the animals “be fruitful and multiply, and keep on fucking like your very existence depends on it. Because surprise, fuckers, it does.” The animals did just that, and the Lord saw that it was gooood, if ya know what I mean. And the animals thought it was a pretty swell arrangement too.

But in his haste to complete the entire world in just six days, God had made everyone a fuck buddy except for Adam. (God is a real overachiever. No one would have complained if it had taken him a month.) He’d forgotten to make a Lady Lover for the Most Important Part of Creation ™, the Reason For All of Existence®.

He sort of wandered The Garden of Eden aimlessly, dick in hand — both metaphorically and physically.

Adam wasn’t very vocal about his issue, he took a more passive aggressive stance. But his confusion was apparent. He sort of wandered The Garden of Eden aimlessly, dick in hand — both metaphorically and physically.

By the time God remembered to check on Adam, it was late afternoon, and He was flooded with the panic of a parent who remembers it’s been too quiet for too long and his child has probably decided to make breakfast for himself using chocolate syrup, an entire stick of butter, and the microwave on high for 15 minutes.

He rushed over to Adam’s corner of the Garden, and founded him forlornly nerking his throbber at the sight of a water buffalo humping his buffalo gal with the focus and determination water buffalo are famous for.

“Stop it! Stop it! You can’t masturbate to other animals humping! That’s just inappropriate! Also, what’s that near the Tree of life, the Tree of Knowledge, the Euphrates estuary, in Gabriel’s pool of ponderation, and on that footpath? Dude, people are walking there!

“How many times today have you done it already? You’ve been alive for all of what… (God glances at Milky Way, which was now a few light years further away from Andromeda) four hours? You’re seriously like a teenager. I thought I’d skip all that shit with you when I formed you as an adult In My Own Image.”

Adam proceeded to throw a fit that further indicated he definitely hadn’t passed puberty by, nor the terrible twos for that matter. The terms “not fair”, “I hate you”, and “you’re the worst Creator in the Entire Universe” were definitely used.

15 minutes later, God had had enough. “GET UP! Get up off the ground, stop flailing around like one-legged dodo, and dust yourself off. It is definitely time for you to take a nap!” At which point God used his Heavenly Unfair Advantage and cast Adam into a deep sleep, which would normally have taken a human parent at least two hours of begging, cajoling, bouncing around like an idiot, frantic rocking, and insomnia.

During that nap, God took one of his Adam’s ribs, and, being a pretty handy fellow, crafted it into an entire motherfucking lady. A pretty impressive feat, especially considering that once He was done endowing her, she had more fat in certain strategic parts than Adam had on his entire chiseled body.

An entire motherfucking lady (illustration)

Adam awoke from his nap to the best surprise he’d ever seen in his entire life, although granted, that was saying very little. Without so much as a thank you, the two of them started bumping like bunnies. God, exasperated, walked off muttering what sounded like “kids these days”.

The irony is that with one rib removed, Adam was halfway to being able to bend forward far enough to actually blow himself. This would have granted him all the benefits of unlimited blowjobs without any of the side effects of having to deal with a woman in your life.

Bible critics consider this one of the biggest plot holes in the entire Genesis narrative, and a key contributor to their consensus that the creation story “totally blows”.