Hurricane Verne

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.



Warning that the storm could dump thousands of mispronounced player names across the southeast, officials with the National Weather Service confirmed that Hurricane Verne was poised to make landfall this Saturday in College Station, Texas.

"We've seen this particular system arrive for 17 straight years, yet we're never fully prepared for it. It starts off slow and relatively calm, but by the 4th quarter you could find objects flying across your living room," said NWS meteorologist Hanna Travis. "Failing to take proper precautions like muting your television could have devastating consequences for you, your loved ones, and your 50 inch tv."



According to the latest tracking and forecast models, Hurricane Verne will make landfall in Texas this weekend before heading east to Florida. From there, Verne is expected to move north to Tuscaloosa where it could produce the most damage this season.



"We need to make preparations now to protect the pronunciations of Andy Pappanastos in Tuscaloosa, Jabari Zuniga in Gainesville, and DaQuan Hawkins-Muckle in Athens," stated Travis, "If Hurricane Verne gets a hold of them first, there will be nothing left."



To complicate matters, another disturbance known as Tropical Storm Gary is moving in the same direction as Verne. While not as powerful, Gary still has the potential to create damage with its long-winded rants on helmet-to-helmet calls and wildly inaccurate in-game predictions.



"We don't expect Hurricane Verne to hit us for a few weeks, but I'm taking steps now to protect my family," explained Birmingham resident Marcus Brooks. "I already sent the kids to my parents' house until December. Verne will be at full strength by the time he reaches this house. Curse words will be flying through this living room at over 700 mph."



Experts believe Hurricane Verne will begin with a light drizzle of chortle in Texas around 2:30 pm before reaching Florida next week. Once in Gainesville, Verne will flood the airwaves with 40 to 50 references to Tim Tebow.



"The Verne and Gary storm systems are going to gain momentum extremely fast," explained Travis. "Which is ironic, because Tropical Storm Gary doesn't believe in momentum and will remind you of this every Saturday."



[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]