Image from Maximum Fun.

This script is a work of fan fiction of The Adventure Zone: Balance, and has been generated by a machine learning algorithm. This script is in parody and intended to be spoiler-free. A special shout out to tazscripts for their awesome transcripts.

There were a number of scenes generated that didn’t work with the script, but were too funny to throw away. Read the Outtakes. Don’t forget to check out our The Adventure Zone: Amnesty script as well!

Warning! Mild TAZ: Balance Spoilers Ahead

<Griffin>: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…

<The Director>: On this day, the three of you will need to report to the, the Bureau of Balance headquarters at noon to receive further instructions.

<Merle>: Gundren is after the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, that is like a fucking flaming sword, that fires flaming bolts, a couple of wizards weave magic together, and it makes their BUTTS burn.

<Kravitz>: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE LAST SEVEN MONTHS, I HAVE HATED THIS SO MUCH, I HATE THIS SO MUCH!

<Magnus>: Okay.

<Griffin>: You see a crystallized figure, and it is— who’s that?

<Travis>: Uh, it’s Barry.

<Griffin>: Uh, it’s Barry the skeleton. Most of his— his crystallized form is showing through the armor.

<Clint>: Ohh.

<Travis>: Oh, man.

<The Director>: On this day, the three of you will need to report to the, the Bureau of Balance headquarters at noon to receive further instructions.

<Magnus>: Griffy, can you summon up that bracer I bought?

<Griffin>: You can, you did already buy it, you can’t summon it up.

<Magnus>: Oh well.

<Taako>: I mean, not for me, but, for sure.

<Travis>: That’s Taako’s, uh, Continental Breakfast of the Month, for May.

[Theme music: Déjà Vu by Mort Garson]

<Announcer>: It’s the Adventure Zone!

<Travis>: Welcome back to The Adventure Zone! It’s The Adventure Zone!

<Griffin>: It’s The Adventure Zone!

<Justin>: [dramatic sigh] Just to be clear, there’s no such thing as The Adventure Zone.

<Griffin>: You are in a white space with a door. And, as soon as you leave it, you sort of remember. You remember being on the inside. You remember that you’re not in your body anymore. And your eyes look sad. And, your heart aches. And you get the feeling that something is terribly wrong.

<Travis>: Wait, I get it. I get it.

<Travis>: We were in the zero gravity, in the shark tank, and uh, I lifted my dish up, and, and I noticed something strange, and I said,

<Magnus>: Uh, Taako? Check this out.

<Taako>: [laughing] This is, this is beautiful.

<Griffin>: But you also remember that it’s only been a couple minutes so far, so you probably shouldn’t worry about it. So, that was the echoing-the-message room. Taako, Merle, do you guys wanna hop into this loop?

<Justin>: Yeah, I’m gonna go with, uh, Magnus.

<Travis>: Okay.

<Justin>: I walk up to the door.

<Griffin>: Okay.

<Taako>: Hey, nice shoes.

<Griffin>: Are you gonna use your, uh, Rock of Ages check?

<Justin>: Yeah. I don’t have a, I don’t have a R.O.A. I don’t have a special something-something that I gotta roll to do magic. I’ll just roll a, a d20.

<Travis>: And hope I get a 20?

<Justin>: Yeah, d20.

<Griffin>: ‘Kay.

<Justin>: I got a 17.

<Griffin>: Okay, yep, you use your special R.O.A. And you just sort of gasp the door as you enter into this place. And it’s dark, and it’s still. But suddenly, you see a small light pop out of the wall next to you. And then you see, the shape of a man. Or rather a woman. And she’s wearing a null suit.

<Travis>: [laughing] Like a silver dollar?

<Griffin>: No, she is wearing, uh, she’s wearing a null suit. Her suit, her armor is, is able to shield her from certain types of magic. But, essentially her suit allows her to function while she’s wearing it, but it doesn’t transform her into some sort of ghostly apparition. It doesn’t make her impervious to damage.

<Taako>: Excuse me, I’m here to help.

<Merle>: what’s your name? We’re, we’re here to help. We’re not here to cause any trouble.

<Taako>: Do you have, do you have a name? That, that just came to you? That you just said?

<Woman>: Um. The name that I go by is— I do not go by my real name, but—

<Griffin>: [laughs]

<Woman>: Well, my real name is Natalia. It’s not my real name, but…

[Clint giggling]

<Woman>: My name is… (sighs) I’m named Laura.

<Taako>: What are you named after?

[Laughter]

<Griffin>: She, uh, says,

<Laura>: I’m uh, I’m named after two of my favorite authors, Laura-bornness and Laura Hillenbrand. I am a fan of books, and I am very much a book person.

[Travis clapping, laughter]

<Magnus>: Interesting.

<Laura>: And I’m kind of a… a… a little bit of a tomboy. I’m a fan of boys’ favorite authors, Kurtze and Smellie. They wrote books and that’s what inspired me to write my autobiography, My Very Own Private Kurtze. I’m not really sure why you guys are here but uh, you seem like you have something to report.

<Magnus>: You know, we’re here to report on, well first of all, what’s going on with the situation? Um, we are, we are reporters, looking into, uh, the situation in Wonderland and we were immediately taken by, by the lights, and seeing the Hunger. So our, our only way out is to get through Wonderland, find the Light of Creation, and return it to the Temple of Istus. We were told to bring this to the Temple, so we’ll, we’ll head there. It’s our best chance to get out. What—

<Taako>: Okay, well, I have a question for you.

<Justin>: I lean over to the gachapon, which is where I get my gachapon box from.

<Taako>: So, if I may, uh, I have a question for you. I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to, to, to loot these items out from under the boxes, but there is a desk, and there is a pile of—

<Laura>: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

<Taako>: —of human bones, and— and there’s— there’s a skeleton, and there’s a— there’s— there’s a spoon.

<Laura>: Okay, yeah. You find some, like, common, like, everyday stuff in here. You find some silverware, you find some, like, a pair of chopsticks, and some, like, a little teaspoon with like a, y’know, a teaspoon shape, and some sugar. Some sugar, some salt, some… some— some spices.

<Taako>: So is this, like, library, or, like, a museum, or…?

<Justin>: A library…?

<Merle>: Like the, uh, the town library?

<Taako>: Yeah. It’s beautiful. Look at these, uh, these are all the different spices that I used in my cooking.

<Laura>: Okay. This is, this is- I don’t think this is the right room for, like, this conversation, but I don’t mind sharing. Um, okay, this is a fun, pleasant surprise.

<Griffin>: You notice that all of the forks here have been coated in the same, um, sauce. There’s a lot of sauce. And there’s some spices that have been rolled up and bundled up.

<Merle>: [crosstalk] I just have one question. Why doesn’t the Director just blow us out of here?

<Magnus>: Oh, that, that’s a good one.

<Taako>: Yeah, that one’s good too.

<Merle>: Okay, wait a minute. That one’s a no.

<Magnus>: Oh, thank God. Okay, well don’t blow us, please.

<Merle>: Huh.

<Taako>: Okay, well, how much do you know about, uh, the lunar lander?

<Laura>: Yeah, I don’t really know anything about it.

<Griffin>: And just as she says that you hear a loud noise from an adjoining room.

<Travis>: Magnus rushes in!

<Griffin>: You move into a dark room. There’s a—there’s a desk in front of you, and this is what you see. There is a book in front of it, and it’s a very narrow edition that was offered to us by Blue Apron, and they were sort of just for special occasions. But you’ve moved into the room. The room is fairly dark except for this, this column in the ceiling.

<Griffin>: Then, A giant skeleton, about eighteen or twenty feet tall, wearing leather armor, a pair of gnarly purple legs, bursts through the air and spews out a fiery burst of flame.

<Takko>: He’s the Living Alchemist!

<Magnus>: This is the Alchemist of Bread!

<Griffin>: He walks over to the Merle and says,

<Skeleton>: Little bread loafers…

<Griffin>: He lowers his head down to the book, and he puts it down.

<Takko>: My autobiography! Yeah, that’ll be pretty tasty.

<Griffin>: He hands it back to you, and you take it and he’s like,

<Skeleton>: you’ll love them. These sandwiches are made with only very- butcher-like trees whose flesh–the sandwich is actually a combination of those trees and this pomegranate. What you gonna do? That is the choice. That is what we have to make.

<Magnus>: Give us the ingredients.

<Skeleton>: I will give you all of the ingredients in this place. You’re gonna make delicious sandwiches.

<Magnus>: I will pour down in a tube a small incantation, which you all can understand is called a teaspoon, and I will explain to you what a teaspoon is.

<Skeleton>: Okay. Here you go.

<Merle>: I- I have a theory.

<Magnus>: A theory of yesterday.

<Skeleton>: [pumped, frantic yelps] Here you go.

<Magnus>: I have a theory, like all theories, that if we take the cup back, it is going to be in a weird way to the sandwich. Like the whole aesthetic of the cup.

<Merle>: I’ve got it, I’ve got it. [pauses]

<Travis>: And as soon as, like, the big reveal, I pull out the cup.

<Griffin>: It is… it’s not the cup that you got into the room from the Umbra Staff. It is the cup that you have in the Director’s office.

<Merle>: Was that a joke? Was that gonna be the recipe?

<Magnus>: No, like it was a joke.

<Griffin>: No, like it’s the Umbra Staff, um…

<Taako>: Like it’s the Umbra Staff, um, that we have in our–

<Merle>: Like, umbrella of infinite power?

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: And he sort of sucks the cup right out of your outstretched hand. And he whispers,

<Skeleton>: Good boy, guys!

<Griffin>: and away we go.

[“The Animus Bell” by Griffin McElroy starts playing]

<Griffin>: So we’re back in the present, at the Bureau of Balance Headquarters and we see the three of you sitting around the dinner table. It’s sunset as you come in and as you walk in through the back door you see Carey in her bunk, she’s reading a book, and she looks up as you walk in, and she says,

<Carey>: Hey. What’s new?

<Taako>: Oh. Well. This is my first time home and I feel like I’m really comfortable here.

<Merle>: I just feel like I know the place so well.

<Taako>: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

<Griffin>: You actually – you actually, you know the place so well that when you come in here, you feel like you know the three of you. You feel like you know the place inside out.

<Griffin>: She says,

<Carey>: Yeah, I mean, I know all about the Paloma thing and everything. It’s, like, 700 years ago, right? And uh. I know all about the big battle that you fought against the Voidfish, and, uh, I, I know all about the big battle that you and Barry fought against the Hunger, and, um, it’s just like, all, all these, all these cycles, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on here. And, um, I think we need to, I think we need to make some kind of move and, and get somewhere, before it’s too late.

<Taako>: Okay, let’s talk about this over dinner. Does, does meat need to be on the bone or…?

<Carey>: I’m not gonna lie to you guys and tell you that you don’t have an uncle in the, uh, in the, in the, uh, in the First Monastery.

<Magnus>: What does he think we should do?

<Carey>: Uh, I would let you do this. If, if, if you can take me with you. I, I can teach you all kinds of new, kind of, uh, helpful skills.

<Magnus>: I’ve got some meat on my bones and I’m ready to, to start walking.

<Griffin>: Uh, she laughs, she’s got, she’s got a, she’s got a, she’s got a little bit of a sneeze. And she goes,

<Carey>: [clearing throat] Magnus!

<Magnus>: Yeah, what’s up?

<Carey>: I, I can, I can get us to where we need to go in, almost no problem, we just need to get past, uh, the… the thing.

<Magnus>: Mm, yeah, you got it.

<Carey>: And once we’ve, once we’ve gotten past the thing, then everything else is just gonna fall into place.

<Magnus>: Excellent. Excellent plan.

<Carey>: I can get us to the thing, but I need you guys to do some, some stupid stuff too.

<Magnus>: Oh yeah, like what?

<Carey>: Like having a bunch of, of robot sex, and, and blasting each other with cannon fire, and—

<Magnus>: Oh, like, love it!

<Carey>: Yeah, that, that sounds like something we’d love.

<Magnus>: I got it, get it on the cheap. We’ll come up with something.

<Carey>: Yeah, you, you set it up, you just tell them, and, uh, they build it, and it, it looks amazing.

<Magnus>: Wait, really? You believe me?

<Carey>: Yeah, I believe you, Magnus.

<Magnus>: —that sounds a little strange, but, uh, you don’t have to tell anybody. I actually, when we got back to the ship, I, I told the Director everything, and—

<Carey>: Uh-huh.

<Magnus>: —she, she said that was weird, and, and, that’s why she hasn’t told anybody, she, she’s afraid.

<Carey>: Yeah, she, she said that was weird.

<Magnus>: Yeah, that was weird!

<Griffin>: She, she looks at you, Magnus, and she says,

<Carey>: Um, anyway, I, I have, I have to get back to work, and, um, bye.

<Griffin>: Meanwhile, Taako and Merle, you were ordering lunch. Did you order for Magnus?

<Clint>: Yeah! I got him a little something.

<Griffin>: Alright.

<Clint>: It’s a salad. Actually, it’s a spicy aioli.

<Griffin>: Oh, that’s good. Is it?

<Justin>: Yeah!

<Griffin>: Okay.

<Clint>: It’s a little something I knew I needed to have on hand just in case.

<Griffin>: You have a little something on hand just in case?

<Clint>: Yeah, I have an anti-gravity effect cream.

<Griffin>: Is it for your butt?

<Clint>: It’s for my butt, and it’s a spray.

<Justin>: [laughing] It’s more for him.

<Griffin>: More for him?

<Clint>: Yeah, I thought it might be a good idea.

<Griffin>: Fuck. Okay. You roll the spray. It’s green, and it has a nice smell to it. You spray it on the a bean, and—

<Justin>: Wait, hold on. So what you’re describing is like some sort of magic carpet—

<Griffin>: I’m describing some magic carpet—

<Justin>: Some sort of magic carpet that people use to get from point A to point B, and there’s no magic whatsoever?

<Griffin>: No, it’s just a regular ol’ human foot, which people use to get from point A to point B.

<Justin>: Okay.

<Clint>: Human!

<Griffin>: And it takes you directly to Wonderland.

<Justin>: You’re saying that—

<Griffin>: A regular ol’ elevator. Not that there are stairs, there are no stairs to get from A to B.

<Travis>: There’s only the floor.

<Justin>: There’s the floor, yeah.

<Clint>: And stairs?

<Griffin>: And, also—

<Justin>: There’s a sign that says, “This floor is for customers only.”

[Laughter]

<Justin>: No, we’re just enjoying a nice lunch. Magnus has a nice garlic aioli salad, and I’m having-

[Griffin bursts out laughing.]

<Griffin>: You’re having a great salad, it’s really tasty, and uh, and— so you’re enjoying this salad, and uh, you— you notice that the croutons that were on the croutons bag are now like, kinda like— burned?

<Taako>: Gross!

<Griffin>: As you’re digging in, Angus sets a tray of food down on the table and says,

<Angus>: Hello Sirs, uh, I hope your trip was—

<Taako>: [laughing] You were in the room with me when I first made the connection between the shoes and the duck, that’s pretty cool, you guys. That was a real eye-opener, if you’ll allow me to use that word.

<Angus>: Uh, what— what is it that you have in common, sir?

<Taako>: Ah, let’s see.

<Merle>: [laughing] Nothing, not that I know of.

<Taako>: [crosstalk] Nothing, nothing at all, nothing at all.

<Angus>: I’d like that, I’d like to know what you’re bringing to the table, what you— what you bring to the table is your wits. When you use your wits you can use magic items. You use magic items to do magic.

<Taako>: [crosstalk] Yes!

<Magnus>: [crosstalk] It’s, we have a lot.

<Taako>: [crosstalk] It’s a magic item, right? It’s a magic item, we-re-used, there’s no other way to put it.

<Angus>: Okay, well, I mean, you don’t— it’s not a magic item if it’s just gonna do good—

<Taako>: [crosstalk] No, no no, no no, no, no no, no.

<Angus>: —whatever you put on it, is what’s gonna happen.

<Taako>: [crosstalk] Listen, Angus. I’m— all I’m gonna do—

<Angus>: [crosstalk] And, and—

<Taako>: [crosstalk] Here’s the thing. I’m gonna cast… Thunderwave.

<Angus>: um, I’ve been- I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time and, it’s finally here. I can’t tell you what it does, but I know you’ll be happy to hear that it puts an end to your woes.

<Taako>: It certainly did for mine. [crosstalk]

<Angus>: Um, the- magic item, it, it can’t be touched, it can’t be broken, it can’t be destroyed, it can’t be stolen, it can’t be imitated, it can’t be- it can’t be any of those things. It is, it is a source of immeasurable power and it is dormant. Once it’s on someones wrist, it can’t be taken off. It is not active, but it can’t be turned on either.

<Merle>: So how do we get it off? How do we get off this planet with the item.

<Angus>: That would be… tricky, to be frank. There are- there are two ways to get the thing off, but they’re not particularly pleasant. The first would be to burn it, but that obviously won’t work. There’s no fire, well, not directly, anyway. There’s no, you know, incinerating process where the energy would actually be lost. The other way would be to do with the zero gravity, but that also isn’t-

<Travis>: Eat it.

<Angus>: -Eating it is probably a bad idea. I don’t know, you guys are in such a hurry, you probably have some sort of zero gravity snack by this time.

<Taako>: [from far away] Eww.

<Angus>: You guys really are gonna put the finishing touches on your masterpiece, huh?

<Merle>: Yeah, let’s do it.

[Clint laughs]

<Taako>: Eww, again?

<Magnus>: Nope.

<Merle>: Not this time, God!

<Magnus>: Nope.

<Angus>: Well…

[Justin laughs]

<Angus>: I think I know how to get around to that.

[“Voidfish Duet Music Box” plays]

<Griffin>: The three of you are in the Director’s office, and you have positioned yourselves on the floor, sort of in between two of the walls,

<Travis>: Prone. On the ground.

<Justin>: On my hands and knees.

<Clint>: Yeah, I’m gonna roll. [dice roll] Oh, I rolled a 14 plus whatever my rogue is an expert.

<Justin>: Oh, that’s not bad. I got a 14 plus three, 17.

<Clint>: Ah, good. I’m up to 18, plus two, which is 22.

<Griffin>: Okay, you’re on your feet. And the Director is there, and she’s wearing these tight fitting robes, [Merle laughs] and she’s working on some sort of desk. And she says,

<The Director>: Sorry I’m a bit preoccupied, do you three have any–

<Taako>: It’s nothing, we just got blasted.

<The Director>: Okay.

<Merle>: We just got blasted?

<The Director>: It’s a bit much to ask of you three to come out, there’s some sort of security in place. You can’t get out until you’ve been checked out. Are you going to take me seriously, or what?

<Magnus>: Prone means we have to be on our hands and knees.

<The Director>: Okay.

<Merle>: If only we had something we could throw to let you know we’re there.

<Magnus>: That would be great.

<Merle>: I say we blow up the place.

<Magnus>: Oh, I see.

<Griffin>: Uh, she’s- she’s like,

<The Director>: What were you guys thinking? Like, that would be really great!

<Magnus>: Well it would be super cool, but it would also probably hurt.

<Merle>: Oh, yeah, it would hurt. It would hurt to say the least.

<Magnus>: But we feel like doing something, you know what I mean? Like we want to give something to you, we want to help.

<Magnus>: You got it!

<Justin>: And I hand her the map.

<The Director>: Thanks, um–

<Griffin>: She sits back down.

<The Director>: –thank you. This is– Taako, I’ve got a problem. I know y’all don’t have anything to– to report, but I– I’ve been keeping tabs on your, on your– what are you guys– what are you guys doing?

<Taako>: We’re just here.

<Merle>: Yup.

<The Director>: What are you doing here?

<Taako>: Just checking it out. We’re here to get our stuffsclept.

<The Director>: Okay. Well–

<Merle>: It’s the lab!

<The Director>: I just want you to know I’m not going to tear your souls out, you’re not going to go unmade. I just think there’s– there’s some bad information here, and I need to sort of clean things up, because– well, we can talk about that when we get to Neverwinter, when we get to the big red carpet event. Right?

<Taako>: Yeah.

<Magnus>: Yeah.

<Griffin>: She–

<Taako>: It should be fun.

<Merle>: It’s gonna be wild.

<Griffin>: She stands, she walks to the front door, and sort of taps on it, and she does sort of a slow clap, and [laughs] you hear the coin going clang-clang-clang-clang-clang-clang-clang-clang! [continues like this, each time with a little burst of laughter]

[outro music plays out to Maximum Fun ad]