Below is a giant list of the bad things that can happen to you.



This list was compiled and values attached to these items with reader contributions. Dolors are a unit, like gallons. They were invented to illustrate the philosophy of Utilitarianism.

Bad Thing Dolor Value

you sneeze more than 3 times in a row 0.01

You get in your car after leaving the windows open, close the windows, turn on the air conditioning and then discover there is a gigantic wasp flying around the inside of the car. 0.01

you figure out that you have more hair on your butt than on your head 0.01

cops bust party and make you pour beer out b/c you are underage 0.05

You drop the cone piece into the bucket while tapping the ash out 0.10

You learn PHP but miss a simple function like stripslashes(). 0.10

You put on your pants and realize they are too tight in the thighs 0.10

You buy a pair of shoes over the internet and they are too small but you wear them anyway since you don't want to pay $5 shipping to send them back. 0.10

You are slightly annoyed but have no idea why. 0.10

You find that the tub of ice cream has developed an inedible layer of icy crystals. 0.10

You do not pass GO. You do not collect $200. 0.10

Pooty finds you. 0.10

You type an entire paragraph without looking at the keyboard, then realized some fingers werent on the correct keys. 0.10

You realize that knuckles look very odd. 0.10

you flip the channels one to many times and have to go back 0.10

you step on a sticker 0.10

You read from a yellow webpage for 30 minutes and temporarily mess up all the colors you see. 0.10

you write a terrible haiku 0.10

your mom cuts your hair into a mullet with a braided tail whether you like it or not until you are 15. 0.10

band aid residue 0.10

You get the black stuff from Oreos stuck in your molars and not even an electric toothbrush can get it out 0.10

You buy a classical music CD, but the cashier mistakenly puts in a koRn CD and you dont notice untill you are home, but it would cost you $10 bus fare to return the CD. 0.10

You buy a koRn CD, but the cashier mistakenly puts in a classical music CD and you dont notice untill you are home, but it would cost you $10 bus fare to return the CD. 0.10

you experience DejaVu 0.10

you bump your shin on the coffee table 0.11

Not reading the instructions and hitting the wrong part of the link over and over. 0.11

the coffee filter folds over and you get hot water instead of coffee 0.11

you break your middle finger then try to make a fist at someone 0.11

you try to unlock the car door to get out but hit lock yet again 0.11

you are attacked by vermicious kinids (the things that tried to eat the oompa loompaz) 0.11

You have to watch Mr. Deeds twice, first because you did not know how much it sucked, second because your new girlfriend asked you to go see it. 0.11

raving to a friend about cockeyed.com, and when they try to go there the site is gone with no explanation 0.11

being really thirsty and taking a big gulp of your Sprite only to discover that the syrup is out and you have a big nasty cup of carbonated water 0.12

having to go to the counter to tell the person that your Sprite is only carbonated water and they look at you like you are an alien 0.13

drop your books in the hall 0.17

you experience DejaVu 0.17

someone puts a flier on your windshield 0.50

you have to write a check 0.50

Someone asks why you are so quiet, and you can't think of a response. 0.50

you are bored 0.50

You buy a tube of Pringles, and they are all broken into iddy biddy liddle bits. 0.50

While eating a hot dog, mustard drips onto the crotch of your white pants. 0.50

You step on a snail 0.50

you wake up sweating 0.50

You sneeze while having food in your mouth 0.50

Someone tries to put a flier under your wiperblade but ends up just snapping it off. 0.52

your friend keeps threatening to bust out a combo on people 0.55

The Coke machine eats your change and doesnt give you a Coke. 0.59

you have to get up in the morning 0.69

you order a regular Coke and they give you diet Coke 0.69

You have to turn down a really high paying temp job so that you can finish your degree. 0.69

You used Nair and it stinks up the whole apartment. 0.69

getting a cramp in your leg from driving a standard. 0.69

the soap breaks 0.70

someone e-mails you a chain-letter 0.70

Your boss sends you home to sober up 0.70

You get caught picking your nose. 0.70

one nipple gets hard and pokes you shirt all day but the other one stays normal 0.70

You get caught surfing Cockeyed.com at work and boss thinks it is porn 0.70

Youre band gets the worst review ever: The less said about Melvyn the better. They were so bad my wife asked repeatedly to leave. That was the whole thing. 0.70

You laugh so hard that salsa passes out of your nose. 0.70

you miss the bus to school 0.70

Stepping in dog crap and not knowing that you are smearing it everywhere. 0.70

You pet the nice doggy, then smell your hand. 0.70

Walking out fo the bathroom with a trailer. 0.70

You step on your favorite earring and not realize it and it sticks to the bottom of your shoe all day and is totally scuffed up and broken when you find it. 0.70

Your microwave burrito is so hot it burns your tongue yet it is still frozen in places, and you are already out of the house and cannot microwave it more. 0.70

You fart while giving a report at the front of the class. 0.70

Your friend rips out your three inch long arm hair that randomly grew 0.70

you have a voucher for a free large coke at McDonalds and they give you a medium coke 0.70

you keep getting mail that says register for the draft when you alredy registered like over a year ago 0.73

everybody makes fun of you because you like to eat canned greenbeans and cabbage and other so-called weird foods. Girl, you know they just JEALous! 0.73

you keep getting mail to register for the draft... but you are 39 years old! 0.73

You get spam in your email. 0.74

your boyfriend makes you sleep in the wet spot 0.74

You do a lethal-level fart in an enlosed sleeping bag/tent/spacesuit/spaceship 0.76

you miss the green light 0.90

you spot a dead thing on the side of the road 0.90

Waking up on Valentines Day to the sound of sex through the walls, and you're all alone. 0.90

your date wakes you up in the night to tell you that you wet the bed -- twice! 0.90

you chip your tooth on a piece of Bazooka bubble gum. 0.90

someone asks you for spare change 1.00

You come up with a web page that uses the term Dolor and everybody thinks you mean dollar 1.00

that sickening clunk as the door closes behind you and you realise you left your keys on the kitchen counter 1.00

You get home from work and find a booger on your shirt that must have been there all day. 1.00

half hour late for school with a major test in first period because you stopped to take home a lost dog and the owner never even thanks you for it. 1.00

You drink what you think is water, but it turns out to be Sprite... and you cant stand carbonation. 1.00

Waking up for your only morning class and sitting in class for 20 min., only to realize that class has been cancelled. 1.00

you think you shut a mosquito OUT of your sleeping bag but actually trapped it IN the sleeping bag. It bites you on the eyelid while you are sleeping and you wake up with your eye swollen shut. 1.30

my friends kitten broke loose from her grip in my car and hid under my brake pedal while going about 65 mph on the freeway 1.30

you ignore schoolwork to build a website but no one comes to visit your site 1.31

you use Microsoft Windows because you want to 1.32

You are forced to use MicroSoft Windows 1.40

you remember you left your tampon in while your having sex 1.40

X -10 again 1.41

you get the Macarena song stuck in your head 1.45

you get stuck in an elavator playing Hanson music 1.45

you get an insect bite 1.50

After buying a new CD, you are unable to get the cellophane wrapping off without breaking the case 1.50

you wake up with 10 mesquito bites 1.50

Cooked spaghetti noodles bubble up into your bathtub from the sink of the apartment next door. 1.50

a bird craps on you 1.60

a bird craps on your head in front of your 2 big brothers 1.70

you have a job in which the birds that crap on your head are an occupational hazard 1.70

stuck in a boring conversation on the bus 1.80

you forget to put on a bra & go to work 1.80

you have to keep pausing the movie because your roommate keeps going to the bathroom 1.80

you get to work and realize you forgot deoderant, and its HOT 1.80

you only get hit on by weird foreigners over 50 and homeless drunkards 1.80

you step on a standing toothpick 1.80

you are stuck in traffic behind an idiot with 1,000 racist bumper stickers 1.85

they interrupt your regularly scheduled program 1.90

BOUNCED A CHECK BECAUSE YOUR ACCOUNT WAS $1.25 SHORT 1.90

mistaken for a movie star you hate 1.90

your boyfriend and his suitemates leave the toilet seat up without you realizing it so you fall in 1.90

You are a lamer and have to type in ALL CAPS beacuse its just way to hard to capitalize only proper nouns like Dave and Justice Department. 1.90

drinking contraceptive sponge water 1.91

Someone leaves a Barry Mannilow CD playing over and over again in repeat mode. 1.97

your favorite team loses a regular-season game 2.00

You get a song stuck in your head 2.00

you open the oven and the cake you are baking caves in 2.00

Mom & 13yr old son look at Cockeyed and see anal sex gif 2.00

favourite lipstick colour discontinued 2.00

you misplace your wedding ring 2.00

You accidentally say 'Hi my name is Gwen and I am here to wash your vagina' at the DMV because that's your real job and you say it all day long. I really just needed to renew my license and get an eye test. He almost called security. 2.00

The World Trade Center is attacked on your birthday, putting a slight damper on the procedings 2.00

The resteraunt manager unplugs the jukebox after you spend $5 to play Kokomo 25 times in a row 2.00

Some random person squeezes your arse lovingly in a crowd. 2.00

accidently dropping your last joint out the car window 2.00

You realize your nipples are bigger then your girlfriends. 2.00

You go to be bathroom number 2 only to realize there is no toilet paper and having to sit on the toilet for an hour waiting for someone to go out and buy more TP 2.00

two words: DRUNK DIALING 2.00

NO ONE LAUGHS AT THE JOKE YOU THINK IS HILARIOUS 2.07

Your alarm clock doesn't go off. 2.07

you are woken up at 6a.m. by the sound of the hundreds of soda cans you left out the night before for recycling being crushed by a homeless man 2.07

You wake up 5 minutes before your alarm clock goes off 2.07

the alarm clock did go off 2.07

Some jackass at a coffeestand in the airport won't give you a cup of ice water, even though you know damn well he has both ice and water behind that little booth, and it wouldnt be that much trouble to put them together in a cup.. 2.07

You fail to silence a fart in public. 2.10

you are sitting in the computer lab and the person behind/next to you is unable to go more than 34 seconds without hocking and snorting their phlegm back out of their sick, sick throat so that they can breathe 2.10

You lose your right shoe from your favorite pair at a Green Day concert, deciding to live rather than go back into the giant punching knot of bodies to get it 2.10

Your dad tells you that you/ll never find any friends unless you dress like a nice young lady 2.20

you go to a strip club & you only have 5s 2.30

You get asked if you're pregnant when you're not 2.30

your ex loses 10 pounds, ditches the mullet, gets a fashion sense and runs into you at the grocery store the one time you decided to go unshowered and in pajamas with the white spit-stuff still in the corners of your mouth. 2.32

you get caught in the rain 2.50

Jehovah's Witnesses visit your home 2.60

The song you are downloading from Napster times out 2.60

you lose only one contact lens and didn't bring glasses 2.60

you are a Jehovahs Witness and one night some idiot neighbor paints a US flag on your house 2.60

"lightbulb burns out, and you can't replace it until the next day" 2.70

the batteries in your walkman die mid-run 2.80

the whole container of garlic powder dumps onto your dinner 2.90

you burn your dinner 3.00

Your eye twitches. 3.00

you figure out you are wearing your shirt backwards, but your not at home 3.00

You realize your fly is open, in public, two hours after going to the bathroom 3.00

You run out of asprin during a major headache. 3.00

When you go to have a nice piece of the chocolate cake, the one that took you three hours to make the day before, and find that your siblings, one of which said he didn't like the cake in the first place, have eaten all it, including the crumbs. 3.00

You're gullible 3.00

you somehow lock your self IN the car 3.00

a hanging bogie 3.00

your backpack makes the back of your dress ride up exposing your ass 3.00

You realize your fly is open, in public, two hours after going to the bathroom, and youre not wearing any underwear. 3.00

You just washed your hands in the sink and notice you have a huge waterspot `right there` 3.10

You get someone elses laundry mixed up with your own 3.10

You have to walk in to a REALLY stinky bathroom to wash your hands only to leave and find a long queue outside who are now convinced that you made the stink. 3.14

stuck in a boring conversation on a long flight 3.20

You get someone elses laundry mixed up with your own - its their underwear - and there are skid marks... 3.20

A bird poops on your windshield 3.50

someone asks if you ever wash your face 3.50

you have leftovers of a really good meal, box it up, and accidentaly leave it on the table at the restaurant 3.50

you know that your best friends boyfriend has been unfaithful to her with another good friend 3.50

Leaving all your car windows open during a thunderstorm, and not realizing til after 3.50

You get a nasal cavity swab for whooping cough that feels like it is scraping the front of your brain 3.50

You put diesel in a petrol car (or vice versa) 3.54

You get a papercut 3.60

your 12 year old cousin keeps asking you to buy him liquor, cigarettes, or porn 3.70

"Your friends have the wait-staff sing ""Happy Birthday"" to you" 3.80

you answer the phone while you're having sex, and it's Brian, from New Mexico 3.80

Someone doesn't like your Web site 3.80

Your dog successfully mates with your couch pillow 3.80

youre about to get fired and everyone in the office knows it before you do 3.80

I agreed to an offer of pork in the can then realized he wasnt talking about food 3.84

The person you are having sex with answers the phone. 3.84

get an ugly groupie 3.85

you run out of clean socks 4.00

your clothesline breaks and your comforter lands in the alley. 4.00

You take a really foul-smelling sh*te and everyone knows it was you and teases you mercilessly for it. 4.00

stepping into a swimming pool and the bottom is slimy! 4.00

you stub your toe 4.10

The cup holder in new car punctures your coffee cup, causing a faucet-like leak all over everything 4.10

you get an ingrown nose hair 4.10

When shooting pool, you miss the shot, but get the perfect leave for the next shot. 4.11

You find a hair in your egg McMuffin 4.20

your upstairs neighbor likes to listen to ghetto booty love music when he and his girlfriend screw at 3 am 4.20

you find an egg McMuffin in your Hair 4.20

you run out of marijuana 4.20

Lose a boot in the mud 4.21

Accidently put Egg McMuffin in mouth 4.25

someone keeps calling and hanging up 4.30

You are forced to watch every Pauly Shore movie ever made ... all in one night. 4.30

Your hosting company goes down for un/scheduled mantince without notifying customers 4.40

Your 55-year old mother looks better than you do. 4.40

All your relatives lose weight and you/re the only fat one left 4.45

Your TV goes fuzzy and starts to make weird noises 4.46

you get a giant zit on your face 4.50

PRETTY GIRL CATCHES YOU READING AN AD IN THE ADULT PERSONALS 4.50

You think it's your sweetheart waking you up with a kiss, but it's really his skanky-ass dog licking your face. 4.50

You forget that you shouldn't add concentrated sulfuric acid to boiling water and it explodes all over everything but you. 4.50

piercing leg cramps during sex 4.50

you unexpectedly run out of toilet paper 4.70

your asparagus goes bad in the vegetable drawer 4.80

you are eating steak on a first date, and while chewing you discover that your 'Medium' turns out to be raw 4.80

You ask a girl to dance and she says Go away, you re gay (you re a guy) 4.90

the guys at KTST The Twister in OK City arrange a radio interview with you, but then they never call. 4.95

you step in gum 5.00

you get pink eye 5.00

when you sneeze, snot comes flying out. 5.00

locked out of my car 5.00

You get a flat tire and then lock your keys in the car during a blizzard 5.00

Getting a pus-oozing boil on your ass-cheek that hurts when you sit 5.00

Your best suit gets eaten by moths 5.00

The super cuts the bldgs water main off just as I was really into lathering up with shampoo 5.00

you hit your funny bone 5.10

You find yourself desperatly wanting to contribute to the bad things, but can't think of anything bad enough. 5.15

you go to the store to pick up a 2 liter of coke, only to get home and find out it is already flat 5.15

something shoots out of your mouth and lands on the shirt of who you are talking to 5.20

you wash a kleenex with a load of laundry 5.20

you wash a pack of gum with your laundry 5.20

You fart in an empty elevator and a person gets on at the next floor 5.20

ACCIDENTALLY WASHING MY LAUNDRY WITH A PACK OF LISTERINE BREATH STRIPS THAT DISSOLVE WITH SALIVA AND LAUNDRY CAME OUT SMELLING LIKE LISTERINE 5.20

You accidently drop an entire box of fabric softener sheets in with your laundry and now whenever you fart it smells like bounce 5.20

leaving car windows down during cloudburst, then the car smells like mildew for weeks and getting the upholstery deep-cleaned costs US$300! 5.20

They forget the fries in the drive-thru 5.30

Have to ride your bike home - oh fun, it's pouring rain 5.30

A cassette tape melts in your car-s tape deck so that it plays but will not eject. This also prevents the car radio from working. 5.30

someone drinks your last beer 5.40

Your boyfriend runs up your credit card and borrows $2000 from your parents for school, then leaves you 2 months later. 5.40

your mom wastes your last imported beer making a cake 5.41

you ruin your favorite pan 5.50

you are caught in the rain and you are wearing suede 5.50

My bird pooped on the only pair of clean jeans that I had. 5.50

you read the whole list of bad things while you should be working 5.50

You run into an old acquaintance of the opposite sex and go through that awkward kiss-or-handshake fumble. 5.55

the batteries in your walkman die mid-transatlantic flight 5.60

you drop your just-finished dinner 5.60

While renting a video, the clerk accidentally switches your movie with some art film in a foreign language 5.60

Some kids steal your garden hose. 5.60

Everyone knows your exact measurement ``down there`` 5.75

you discover the disk has been stolen out of the DVD you just bought 5.80

you send a secret note to someone telling them how much you like them and they guess it's you on the first guess 5.80

your ISP goes down in the middle of an important download 5.80

you send a secret note to someone telling them how much you like them and they never guess its you..instead they talk to you for an hour about who else it could be 5.80

you wake up from siesta to find out night has already fallen 5.80

you are stuck behind a car that won't turn out on a windy mountain road for 20 minutes. 6.00

you fall in the mud in front of this really cute guy you've been eyeing all year and he not only helps you up but offers to let you wipe the mud on his shirt. 6.00

You send a letter to someone you like....and they think it is from someone else and hook up with her/him. 6.00

The person you like finds out about your Pokemon fetish, and announces it to the school over the P.A. system 6.00

The caffeine you count on to get you through the graveyard shift doesn't kick in after all 6.00

A spider crawls INSIDE your keyboard and you have to finish typing this report 6.00

A keyboard climbs INSIDE your spider and your report has to finish typing you 6.00

You go home with a guy you really really like but he can't get it up. You laugh at him because you're drunk and proceed to throw up on his carpet. you never see him again. 6.00

you are walking your dog in front of this hot guys house and he watches while your dog takes a crap on his lawn. 6.00

You run out of cigarettes 6.10

you have a pack of cigarettes, but no matches or lighter 6.10

you have got cigarettes and matches, but you are too drunk to make it all work out. 6.11

it's your last cigarette and match and you light the wrong end. oh, what do you do? 6.15

Your grandpa gets emphysema. 6.15

you're drunk and decide to wash your hookah in the dishwasher thus leaving your dishes tasting like bong water for weeks to come. 6.15

the internet is down at work/school 6.20

You find a typo on your resume. 6.20

you have to go to the Post Office near Christmas/April 15th 6.20

Mr. T dies 6.20

You go to a series of job interviews and realize later that your fly was down the whole time. 6.20

you have to chew the air in the bowling alley 6.20

The estimate to fix the damage done to your car costs a few dollars less than your insurance deductible, which is US$1000 6.20

you have to sleep head-to-feet with your friend and his feet smell like salt and vinegar potato chips 6.20

Someone misses a meeting with you 6.30

Your dad throws a pen at you and it sticks in your nose. 6.32

your roommate uses your knife as a screwdriver 6.40

someone tapes over your favorite show 6.50

you spill bong-water all over the living room rug 6.50

You forget a gallon of milk in your refrigerator while gone for a month. 6.50

You go to meet the surgeon doing your orthodontic work and he offers to sort the rest of your face out. 6.55

you are fooled by a fake movie preview 6.60

your hands are always cold 6.60

a cockroach comes out of the coffee pot...while you're pouring your second cup 6.70

You find an insect in a chocolate bar. 6.70

You miss the bus, lose 30 minutes 7.00

you don't get hired for that mucho money job 7.00

Sid comes over to your house 7.10

you get some glass in your foot 7.20

you are forced to attend a family reunion 7.20

you miss your exit on the freeway 7.40

your brother Kevin calls 7.40

You step in water and your socks get wet. 7.40

going upstairs in the dark and misjudge how many there are and fall 7.40

you burn the roof of your mouth 7.50

shooting pains in your big toe 7.62

You run into a chauvinist who can't stand to be beat by a girl. 7.75

you get your shot blocked in basketball by a girl 7.75

You get poked with a sharp stick 8.00

You get sick from drinking and have to puke and poop at the exact same moment. 8.00

You find a used condom in your bed, and you didn't use it 8.23

skinheads show up at your party 8.50

"you miss your exit on the freeway, and you have to turn around and pay toll" 9.00

getting stuck with pins every morning 9.00

You roll your car on an icy road with an open container of straight pins on the seat next to you. (This happened to me) 9.00

favorite song on favorite cd gets scratched 9.00

After hard work putting up lots of holiday lights, several strings burn out when you turn them on 9.04

you fall down in public 9.10

you fart, but poo comes out instead 9.10

you fart but a watch comes out instead 9.10

you fart and Mr. Fuzzums, your long lost cat, comes out 9.10

you fart but australia comes out instead 9.10

you fart but the moon comes out instead 9.10

you wake up early for work, drive an hour to get there, then realize you are 2 hours early 9.10

you think of a really great bad thing to add to this list and then you forget it 9.10

you fart but Joseph Stalin comes out instead 9.10

You think of a really great bad thing to this list and then find that its there already. 9.11

You think of a really great bad thing to add to this list and then leave a few words out when typing it in. 9.12

The hatchback falls on your neck 9.20

You have to listen to a lecture on someone's strong (religious, vegetarian) beliefs 9.30

You make a pun and no one gets it. 9.36

you bend down to get your dropped cigarette in the car and hit the BMW in front of you 9.36

Someone asks if you were ever on the show COPS, and you're not a police officer 9.38

You are hung over all morning long 9.40

While lighting your cigarette, you burn your nose hairs. 9.40

The one time you use improper English, no one forgets it. Ever. 9.40

Your toilet gets backed-up/broken 9.50

you slip in the shower taking the curtain and rod with you 9.58

your credit card gets rejected at a store 9.60

You eat a bad piece of meat/wormy apple/sour milk 9.70

your car is filled with ants 9.70

You decide to be a smart ass and grind Robs nipples for misspelling /spelled/, but run spell check and find out that /spelt/ is actually ok 9.70

You break the heel on your shoe 20 minutes after you get to a club 9.80

You light your pants completely on fire 9.89

you pull up your pantyhose, the only thing you are wearing under your dress, after going to the bathroom and your skirt gets tucked into the top-and no one tells you. 9.89

you are bored. SERIOUSLY bored. 9.99

You throw up 10.00

Your voodoo doll shrinks in the wash. 10.00

the place where you work has a special filter so you can surf every website except The Onion 10.00

Someone asks if you are drunk, when you're totally sober. 10.00

you have dandruff 10.00

You spew after having one beer 10.00

your cd burner breaks, and when you finally get up enough nerve to call tech support, it starts working while you are talking to the person. for no reason at all. 10.00

You stay up all night reading stupid stuff online, and neglect to write the paper that/s due in five hours and fifteen minutes 10.00

your car gets hit the day it comes out of the shop 10.00

You step on a fork and have to go to the emergency room. Everyone hears that you stepped on a fork. Everyone laughs. Five years later, people still talk about the time you stepped on a fork. 10.00

the tuna was not dolphin safe 10.15

while on a date, the waiter is more charming than you 10.20

You go to flick the ash, the cigarette sticks to your lip and the cherry comes off in between your fingers. 10.25

Your eye swells shut 10.50

You fall over, but have your hands in your pockets, and thus break your fall with your face. 10.50

You raise your arms happily to cheer at a sporting event, only to realize that you're totally pittin' out. 10.75

You get psyched for a television show that's really cool, only to find that it's just some guys talking about stuff any half-wit already knows 10.88

Get ringworm on your scrotum 10.89

You spill your coffee on your shirt on the way to work 11.00

you get a big shock while trying to retrieve something from the toaster 11.00

you get a BIG shock in the ear when you put your headphones on at your computer in the middle of class and scream shit that hurt! 11.50

Your mom steals a tech guys garden hose 12.00

You burn off your eyelashes 13.00

your former best friend shaves off half of your eyebrow 13.00

you have to get a job 13.13

A baby cries through the whole film 13.50

Someone near you on the plane has really bad gas 13.50

you have to listen to the same poem for ten hours 13.50

You have to listen to Spanish-language radio for 2 hours 13.60

the horrible horrible person who got you demoted at work is flirting with you at the bar 13.60

The girl walking in front of you has a great ass, then she turns around and you see that she is really a he. 13.65

The next day, you discover got your home phone number completely wrong when that hot stranger asked for it. 13.65

you read your book in your boat, just as you have done the last three months, when it suddenly falls into the water. 13.65

finding out that your P.E. instructor is a raging dike who has been watching you undress all year from another teacher. 13.65

Having chronic halitosis 13.65

You have bad cramps 13.70

You toss and turn for 3 hours 14.00

You score a whopping 19 when bowling. 14.00

you pass out & get the Sharpie treatment 14.50

you see a spider in your room, try to kill it, but it just runs and hides to terrify you all night 14.50

You spend 8 hours on a bus watching Egyptian comedy on TV. 14.50

You are summoned for jury duty 15.00

Your pregnant wife's breasts transform from toys into tools 15.00

your dog eats your friends stash 15.00

you turn on the oven and it fills the house with smoke when you're home alone, and when you finally get your pizza cooked you drop it on the ground, then eat it anyways cause your that hungry 15.00

being called ugly by an ugly person 15.00

Your teachers all think you're coming to class stoned -- and you've never done weed in your life. 15.00

you are woken up early in the morning by your crazy neighbor screaming for her bastard cat to come home 15.13

You get stuck in traffic due to repaving & the weirdo working the Stop/Slow sign tells you his life story. 15.27

you get bad feedback on ebay 15.50

You work on this list all day and leave it at the restaurant 16.00

You lose a contact lens on a trip 16.00

you have a serious enemy at work 16.00

you get a high five after a date 16.00

your car fails smog check 18.00

You tell your parents you are sleeping over a friends house but really stay at cabin like an hour and a half away. Get caught you the person you pranked that night finds out it was you and she presses charges 18.00

you sweat like george bush during the florida recount 18.25

You crack a farm fresh egg into your brownie mix only to find a dead chick inside. 19.46

you realize your nipples are visible through your shirt 20.00

You Break the screen of your palm III 20.00

you realize your the only person of color at a Slayer concert 20.00

UPS Loses your packages loss 7days 20.00

your boyfriend's parents hate you 20.00

The guy/girl you dig jokingly tells you he digs you, too. 20.00

being proud of your incredible height, but than smacking your head on the door frame, 20.00

Your really cool WW2 army helmet gets taken away by the police 20.00

www.(yournamehere)sucks.com 20.00

www.(yournamehere)nude.com 20.00

Trying to shave your Tri brow and accidentally shave off a massive chunk of your normal eye brow. 20.00

you hit a parked car with your bike, cant move....people laughing 20.00

deed of your house destroyed 20.00

Your bratty baby brother doodles all over your homework with Magic Markers 20.00

you walk past rob cockerham on your way to work and dont say hi because he has no clue who you are 20.00

I figure out who really is my secret online lover 20.00

you find out your mom used to be a hooker 20.00

You lose your sunglasses 20.50

you get a big chip in your windshield 21.00

YOUR FAVORITE FICUS PLANT DIES AFTER 3 YEARS OF UPKEEP 21.00

your pen explodes in your pants pocket 21.50

you sit in gum 21.60

your rear-windshield wiper wont stop, and it makes a terrible rubbing sound wherever you go. 21.70

Take a HUGE out of a slice of pizza while in the morning stupor mode and feeling the inside of your mouth move due to the pizza being completely covered with ants (actually happened to my best friend - i watched!!! hahaha) 21.89

you fart on a date 22.00

you find a dead cockroach in your plate lunch 22.00

Your mom catches you looking at porn on the Internet. 22.00

on a first dinner date, your date finds a green grasshopper in her green salad; you cant help laughing 22.00

You catch your Mom looking at porn on the internet 22.00

some jerk puts his hands down the back of your pants 22.70

You hit yourself in the leg with a hatchet 22.70

You get yelled at for hitting yourself in the leg with a hatchet 22.70

you get an irreparable haircut 23.00

Your boyfriend breaks up with you for someone he met a week ago, and then you realize that you are actually in love with him. 23.50

You are the heterosexual object of an unwanted same-sex love confession 24.00

Your pen explodes in your mouth, just as someone you really like comes up to talk to you. 24.00

you go on the blind date show and the production crew fills your fake thought balloons with horrible, embarrassing LIES 24.50

Your boss corrupts his hard drive, then takes over your machine. 24.50

The girl you like turns out to be a bad kisser 25.00

you discover your nipples are visible through your shirt on school picture day 25.00

Your car breaks down, on the roundabout right next to the police station 25.00

You end up with cafe duty on your birthday for EVERY SINGLE YEAR of highschool. 25.00

your partner leaves you for your siamese twin 25.00

You find out that your girl friend is lesbian and has a huge crush on you. (You're female) 25.00

your hairdresser cutting your ear off 25.00

You get beat out of the student council by a retarded kid. 25.03

Someone breaks off your antenna 26.00

you get a cold sore 26.00

you go away for the weekend but your roommate stays at the room. when you return you find white stains all over his bed and robe. 26.00

First bathroom you find in 150 miles and it was just occupied by a frisky hillbilly couple. 26.16

You have a burning sensation when peeing 26.50

get bad credit history for a late movie rental 26.50

exploding eggs 26.50

you have to take off a bandaid 26.76

you get mugged at knife point by a kid who couldn't be any older than 11, & you had a lot of $$$ on you that day. 26.76

Your roommates keep you up until 3am singing Blondie hits when you have to work the next day 27.00

You buy some bad E 28.00

your boyfriend is a really bad kisser and repeatedly bites your lips, and thinks its sexy 28.32

You get your toe stuck in a red hot fire guard whilst having sex and your partner holds you down mistaking your screams of agony for pleasure 28.32

you are totally clueless about the answer to a question at a job interview 28.50

You are writing notes in class and the teacher stops by your desk, asks you a question, and you're clueless. 28.50

Your favorite hairstylist moves to San Francisco 29.00

you are chased by a mob of angry hobos that want to steal your bike 29.00

forget you are wearing heavy metal bracelet you stole from a friend and get held up by airport security metal detector missing Christmas Eve flight home 29.00

you have a noise in your ear and your doctor removes a living roach 29.00

You lose $20 cash 30.00

finding dried-up week-old cat puke on the living room futon 30.00

You crap your pants. 30.00

You get busted for using internet at work when its supposed to be off limits 30.00

you let your friend cut your hair and she keeps saying, "oops!" 30.00

on your second swig of a freshly opened beer, live cockroach in your mouth 30.00

You decide to smoke pot for the first time while on the way to school. Your late and the vice priciple nazi says you smell like pot and you get suspended for 5 days 30.00

actually having a frog in your throat 30.00

you speak and act ghetto, than go home and milk your cows 30.00

Releived after a urine test you smoke a blunt, the next day you are told it must be done again (lab error) 30.00

Realize that you love your ex 30.00

you realize that absent mindedly you were checking out you aunt/couzin/other female relative 30.00

some stupid 10 year old out wits you 30.00

you realize that your new nickname has an alternate meaning you didnt know about 30.00

you get arrested because you look like a bad ass 30.00

The brand new bottle of Irish creme is chunky. 30.00

You studied for the wrong exam and failed miserably. 30.00

your wife catches you rubbing one off to online porn... and laughs 30.00

Discovering your boss, who only hires women, is a major porn fiend 30.00

Getting called by recruiters 30.00

you stick a foil gum wrapper into an outlet and get shocked 30.00

You have dressed up and you boyfriend/girlfriend is asleep 30.00

your cat has diarrhea, and misses the litter box 30.00

You are too nice to ask you friends for gas money, even though you drive them around a lot 30.00

drink straw jammed up your nose 30.00

Your friends ALWAYS bring over bunk-shwag beer! 30.00

everyone can smell your rancid arm inside your cast 30.00

You lose your tickets to the show 31.00

you work at wal-mart selling cell phones 31.40

you forget grandpa at the drive-through 31.45

You leave a fork in your microwave 31.50

The paper boy wants his 2 dollars. 31.54

"Your computer crashes before you save, losing 2 hours of work" 32.00

Your cats bring wounded mice home but do not kill them. The mice have just enough strength left to crawl behind heavy furniture before dying. Later, it takes an elaborate search to find the terrible smell. 32.00

Your band plays a club and only 3 people show up (your friends) 32.50

the job you are waiting to be promoted to gets filled by a hot guy 32.50

Your friend rolls your fingers up in the power window 33.00

Your long blonde Hair gets rolled up in the electric window by your FATHER 33.00

you mistake cat food for leftover meatloaf 33.50

You lose your keys 34.00

You watch a motorcyclist purposely hit and kill a puppy 34.00

you lock your keys in the car and you're a delivery driver 34.00

You set off the theft alarm at Walgreens, but didn't steal anything 34.00

You get an infection from an intimate piercing 34.50

you step on a toothpick and spend all day in the ER waiting for them to pull it out 34.50

your housemates evil cat pisses on your leather jacket 34.50

your cat pees on your bedspread (and new $600 mattress) the day after you payed $5 at the laundromat to have it cleaned...from the last time she peed on your bed 34.50

Your housemates evil cat pees in your guitar case ... with the guitar still in it 34.50

You get your IRS check, spend most of it, then your boyfriend washes it in the washing machine the night before you deposit it! 6 wks and 30 mins on hold to replace!!! 34.50

your cat pees in your sock drawer, and you dont notice until you take off your shoes... 34.50

Tripping over a loose cable and breaking your big toe 34.50

You run out of gas 35.00

You find out that your favorite stalker is seeing someone else on the side 35.00

you slam a car door on your finger 35.00

they won't let you pay for beer with pennies at the corner store 35.00

You are in in your socks and you step in your friends dogs pee 35.00

you lock your keys in your car (while on a date) 36.00

You get caught in a lie 37.00

You run out of Easy Cheese half way through the box of Wheat Thins 37.52

find intimate msgs to your fiance and they're not from you 38.00

Your *bad thing* is dropped from the list 39.50

You get a (US$28) parking ticket 40.00

you take a swig from the ashtray bottle 41.00

your housemates pet dies while you are taking care of it 41.00

You go to take a drink of your Large Soda, take a big slurp through the straw, and start to gag because you grabbed your roomates spit cup instead of your soda 41.00

you get bit by a snake 42.00

after asking what that nasty smell is, you realize it is your own stink 42.00

Your boyfriends cologne smells like something a woman could wear. 42.00

You wash a pair of shorts (in a washing machine) that has snails in the pockets. 42.25

You get a flat tire 43.00

You spend an extra 15 minutes touching up your makeup, and your date says, hmm, did you want to wash your face? 43.25

you get a black eye 43.50

riding on your harley, and a june bug flys in your mouth 43.50

you realize you live in Cupertino 44.00

your housemate lets his drunken friend pass out on your living room floor and the guy soils himself durring the night. 44.00

You actually spent 45 minutes reading all the Bad Things 44.00

You are stuck in traffic, take a sure-fire shortcut, only to re-join the road. . . 5 cars back from the guy that WAS right in front of you. 44.50

You don't like dogs in the first place, and your housemate has a dog whose ass bleeds every few weeks. 44.80

lose a job you don't like or need 45.00

your video-camera breaks while you are on vacation 45.00

you discover you have alternate personalities 45.00

you have to go to the DMV 45.00

your spoon falls in the garbage disposal and you unknowingly turn it on, ruining the spoon and the garbage disposal. 45.00

Your dog eats your new eyeglasses. 45.00

you are jealous that the voices dont talk to you 45.00

Your exam gets rescheduled to January due to a power outage. And you're going to be across the country for a co-op work placement until May. 45.00

Your boyfriend flirts more with other girls than he does with you. 45.00

on the phone needing to write something important and EVERY PEN IN THE HOUSE either disappears or stops working 45.02

You pass out drunk on the MUNI 14 owl on Mission and wake up in Daly City at 3 am 45.50

walked in on by roommate and girlfriend 45.50

You are a temp, you sleep with your boss. You are then hired. Then have a very painful breakup w/him b/c hes sleeping w/another colleague! 45.50

During an intimate moment your mate answers the ringing phone...then the first thing he/she says is (oh nothing). 45.50

you gossip about someone and they hear about it 46.00

your boss calls you in on your day off to fire you, after he told you he was not going to. The police are there. 46.00

You get an undeserved bad reputation 48.00

you have to take a wicked piss & there are absolutely NO bathrooms ANYWHERE 48.00

you receive a break-up email 2 seconds after you send a make-up email to that person 48.00

you get a headache that lasts five days 48.00

used wheelchair accessible stall in restroom because it was bigger and no one else was around. came out and found lady in wheelchair waiting on stall. 48.00

Your friend drives you down the highway in the wrong direction. 48.00

your car breaks down on the Bay Bridge during rush-hour 50.00

someone steals your deck furniture 50.00

A bag of pot falls out of your bag while talking to your lecturer 50.00

you get run over by the car you just stepped out of 50.00

You hiccup, sneeze and fart at the same time 50.00

The hooks on your bra break, first thing in the morning after you arrive at school/work 50.00

Your friend visits you at work. You realize your at work and could be having fun or doing ANYTHING else. 50.00

You cuss in front of your mom 50.00

you got to Victoria's Secret to buy bras, and then find out they dont make them small enough 50.00

You flick a cigarette out your front window, only to have it fly into your rear-driver side window. 50.00

Someone snaps your bra in the middle of a huge store, it breaks the hooks, and there's no way you can fix them or put on another bra. So you're stuck without one for the next 3 hours 50.00

i went into the bathroom and i had to pee really bad but there is only one stall and the woman in it was pooping and she wouldn't finish until there was no one in the bathroom 50.00

It's saturday night & you re going out alone - AGAIN - and some ass*le with a mustache starts making small talk with you at the bar and just wont go away 50.00

Gas pedal gets stuck under the steering bar on a 2 seater go kart. A 5 year old is the driver you are passenger.Drives Full speed for 2 blocks nearly hitting children, houses,cars and animals. You risk your life and undo it. 50.00

You go on vaccation in another state and borrow a toyota truck from a friend that enjoys going fifteen MPH or less through intersections 50.00

You go to Victorias Secret to buy bras, and then find out they dont make them big enough 50.00

you buy the cheapest pedal-clips for your bike and spend 3 days falling over every time you stop because you cannot get your feet out of the clips 50.00

Accidentally locking yourself in a foot locker playing hide and seek at age 8 and it thus resulting in an adulthood claustriphobia problem. 50.00

The boss you hate is fired after years of complaint, only to buy the company a week later and make your life hell. 50.00

your life falls apart the day after you decide, for certain this time, to quit smoking 50.00

You get a serious case of jock itch at the beginning of a long, important speech 50.00

Your skunk bud falls out of the glovebox in front of the University P.D when you open the dash to get your registration 50.00

You have to dress up like a gay man for a report and youre a straight girl. 50.00

you walk into a parking meter and chip/knock out your front tooth 51.00

you notice that you are naked at the mall, not a dream this time 52.00

The hooks on your bra break, first thing in the morning after you arrive at school/work and some other guys catch you in the men's room, trying to fix it. 52.00

You get the first question wrong on that millionaire show. 52.00

You get a $271 ticket for running a yellow light (thats even written on the ticket) 52.00

getting a yeast infection in the end of your penis. 52.00

your pager drops into the toilet 55.00

You inhale wrong end of cigarette 55.00

You are playing barefoot basketball in the driveway and wake up the next morning with feet scuffed up so badly that you have to crawl around the house. 55.00

you actually reach in to get cell phone from feces filled Port-O-Potty on a dare 55.50

You drop your cellphone into a Port-O-Potty full of feces 55.50

you spend Valentines Day alone on a cross-country bus 56.00

Your roommate becomes a hardcore ABBA fan 56.00

your online girlfriend whom you won't be able to talk to for two weeks and is depressed is online, but not responding to you 56.00

Your two friends are hardcore westlife fans and have an obsessive story about them in which they star in it and continuously have sex and children with the band members. on top of it all - westlife really suck! 56.00

you are tarred and feathered 56.78

Swabbing out pus from an old dog's vagina 56.78

your cat likes your roommate better than you 57.00

you realise (at 9 years old) that your parents called you Fern Gardener 57.08

You drive 300 miles to pick up and drop off your best friend's niece/childhood buddy as a surprise, only to end up as the fifth wheel all day and then get their whole family mad at you because you met at the wrong spot to get her to take her home. 59.99

you are caught by french police jumping the turnstyle in the subway in France & they harass you for it for a half hour. 59.99

You get insomina and next day you look and feel like hell 60.00

You lose your cellphone and fear someone is using it for international calls and making for a ugly bill 60.33

you find out your cool new friend is a racist homophobe 61.00

Crotch itch in public and in full view of several members of the opposite sex 61.00

You have an annoying kid kicking your seat behind you at the movie theater. 61.00

you wet your pants 62.00

You fart just before you sit down on the toilet to take a crap. Then when you sit down, your face is right in your own fart. 62.00

you find out a revolting bastard you work with is moving in next door to you 62.00

Your friends senile grandpa inadvertently gives you a stinkpalm. 62.00

almost stepping on a naked stranger sleeping on the floor outside your boyfriends bedroom door and the naked guy is blocking the way to the bathroom 62.00

taking a dump at your boyfriends parents house and the toilet backs up and there is no plunger! 62.00

your a short haired 11 year with old girl and an old lady breaks your nose with her purse because your in the ladys room 62.00

you just miss your non-refundable flight 62.50

Stranded alone for days 62.50

yappy dog / car alarm / band moves in next door 63.00

you buy a cell phone and it gets stolen the next day 63.00

taking the dog to the vet after he ate your freinds stash 64.99

My right eye popped out of socket when I blew nose. 64.99

The girl you like asks you to fix her up with someone...else 65.00

Telemarketers keep calling for your dead mother 66.00

you're a telemarketer 66.00

getting hired as the piano player because the blind accordian player cancelled at the last minute. 66.00

You Put your head phones on and Turn your stereo on at 1:00 in the morning. Not realizing it was on full blast.WHAT? 66.66

You spend 3 hours in the emergency room waiting 69.00

your band has a concert and before it even starts you try to smash an acoustic guitar and hit your drummer, killing him, and a piece of wood hits your guitarist in the eye, making him blind 69.00

you wait 3 hours in an emergency room, just to find out that it was only strawberry jam, NOT blood 69.00

can't drink or have sex 69.00

You down load a viruse that freezes your compputer before you can get to the virus scane softwere. 69.69

Your nail gets damaged and falls off 70.00

You swallow a bug while you're asleep...and you don't know what kind. 70.00

you get sunburned 70.00

The guy you have had a crush on for a long time finally asks you out, only to leave for one heck of a long summer vacation the next day, leaving you lonely and missing him. 70.03

You lose your voice (one week) 70.63

You spend you're only change on a bagel with a side of cream cheese, only to find an extremely long brown hair in it, so you get rid of the cream cheese and go to eat the bagel only to find and even grosser hair baked into the bagel after first bite 70.65

Your house is infested by spiders 70.75

"you rear-end someone, covered by insurance" 71.00

You take a 7 ½ hour drive to the boonies with your friend to visit her boyfriend. He gets trashed on a whole fifth of vodka (straight up) and a bunch of cocaine, wakes you up at 4 in the morning and tries to hit on you. 71.00

you ingest a rotten egg 71.00

you spend so much time reading & putting things on the bad things list that you forget to do all the sh*t you were suposed to do before bed & your husband gets mad at you for it. 71.00

Your best friend finds out you had a crush on Quazimodo when you were little. 71.20

The girl you like asks you to fix you up with your best friend 72.00

you hear about the girlfriend AFTER the sex 72.00

Your girlfriend tells you, I love you but we are not married 72.00

you meet a hot chick, and fall quickly into *friend zone* 72.00

you meet multiple hot chicks, and fall quickly into *friend zone* with all of them 72.00

You're puking in a toilet at a party, and you're so drunk you rest your face on the toilet (whether the seat's up or down).. 72.00

you pass out at a party only to wake up remembering nothing and everybody calling you (the butt guy!) 72.00

you get food poisoning 73.00

The first time you find out you are allergic to mosquito bites is when you catch one under each armpit while you're sleeping 73.00

on the first date, vomit all over the hot guy's bedspread right before sex 73.10

going to jail for returning movies too late 73.10

Getting kissed by your Grandmother and she leaves drool on your cheek. 73.10

You find the name of the old friend you have been meaning to call printed in the obituaries page. 73.25

your high-school nickname resurfaces 74.00

you lose a movie you rented 75.00

you get a flattire in the rain without a jack, and then get your foot stuck in the mud up to your knee for an hour coming back from the store 75.00

your band plays a gig and only one person shows up - the bartender 75.00

You come hoe to your wife feeding your chihuahua into the garbage disposal 75.00

You get hit by a car, spend a month in hospital recovering, go back to college, and propmtly fail all first year exams. 75.00

Right after you left the dentist for some major dental work, you have to rush downtown to do a speech at some big conference 75.00

You are forced to be the designated driver but you dont have your liscense yet and you get pulled over and arrested 75.00

You give a good-looking guy/girl your phone number, only to find out that 1) he/she is dumber than a box and hair and 2) he/she dominates the conversation. 75.00

while eating your yummi dinner, a pad/ tampon/ vaginal cream/ genital wart/ herpes comercial comes on, making you lose your appetite. 75.00

you get a cell phone and the next day you accidently forget to take it out of your swimming trunks as you go swimming later to find it at the bottom of the pool and then realizing that it cost over 200 freaking dollars!!!! 75.00

The guy/girl still talks to you and hits on you over two months after you made it obvious you WERE NOT INTERESTED. 75.00

you find out it WAS your room mate who broke your guitar neck... and have to kill him 75.51

your dog breaks the neck on your guitar and you are forced to kill it 75.51

You have to have your wisdom teeth pulled 76.00

you get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled, and then they find out there is a 5th. 76.10

You get voted off the island. 76.36

Someone steals your clothes at the Laundromat 77.00

you get pancreatitis and must not drink again! 77.23

your mom catches you smelling her underwear 77.50

You write a slightly critical of management fake memo to a friend. After you leave for the day, someone finds it, photocopies it and distributes it to everyone.... getting you fired. 78.00

You get a speeding ticket (US$140) 80.00

the condom falls off inside your body and your boyfreind spends an hour trying to get it out of you 80.00

You finally get your bottle of viagra only to find out you have premature ejaculation. 80.00

Your window is broken and your stereo is gone 82.00

you superglue your eyelids shut 82.00

stepping on a slug 82.00

your new roommate is a BIG sports fan 83.00

your car gets towed (US$130) 85.00

Your power windows stop working and your windows get stuck half-way open in the middle of the winter... 85.00

you are rear-ended on your friends birthday, with her in the car, and some crack-head b*tch comes over and says its somehow your fault! 85.00

call from a cell phone to report your car stolen at Wal-Mart, just to see you parked somewhere else. 85.00

you are dumb enough to fall for a virus email, and delete -sulfnbk.exe- from your computer, then have to shamefacedly call a friend and have them email you the file. 85.36

After spending weeks cleaning up a swimming pool filled with rancid decomposing leaves (1 year) and dirty water, you try to fill it up and find out the pool has a leak. 85.50

coming back from a hiking trip you find your fish dead. the next day at school you find it floating in the school drinking fountain because your sister put it there 85.85

You bite into a hotdog and find veins 88.88

You break your ankle on the first day of summer vacation. 89.50

Some little kid throws up in front of you on a plane, your flight hasn't even started yet, and it's a 4 hour flight. 89.50

you get a stalker (2 months) 90.00

you unknowing get your period and the stain show thru your clothes while at school 90.00

you find out your neighbour has a history of aggravated assault and has decided to stop taking his daily lithium meds and monthly anti-psychotic injections. 90.00

You drive 3000 miles across country to move in with your boyfriend and he dumps you when you get there 90.00

You leave your wife to be with the girl you love, realize you feel too guilty to be with her, then realize, way too late, that youd do anything to be with her again 90.00

your girlfriend cheats on you with a friend of yours and follows him to alaska when he goes into the coast guard 90.00

You get into a hot-tub with your new neighbors and their friends and you're too drunk to realize that they're swingers until it's too late 90.00





Your mamma has a new baby and he looks a bit chinese 90.00

your roomate's ex-boyfriend takes, along with his stuff, your cat, and has him put to sleep 90.00

You fall in love with this guy & when its time to do the nasty he drops his pants and he has a microscopic penis :( 90.00

your (new) hot 20yo girlfriend swipes your weed and there is no chance of repremand 90.00

You cant get your money (for vacations) from the bank because you live in Argentina. 90.00

Your girlfriend has sex with all of your friends. In alphabetical order. 90.50

Your passport gets stolen while you are vacationing in Costa Rica 91.00

your little brother is a pothead 91.00

you have your new kitty euthanized for having distemper 91.50

you really like the music of Twisted Sister 91.75

you get a bad tattoo on your shoulder 92.00

you and your ex-fiance have the same tattoo 92.00

Your pad falls out while at a water park 92.00

you go to cambodia and get drunk and go to get a tattoo that you want to say brotherhood in characters and wake up the next morning and ask some dude on the street what it says and it says little brother 92.86

You accidentally return your homemade porn to Blockbuster 93.00

Stripper gets period onstage 93.00

you get a tapeworm 94.00

you get busted stealing gay porn & they call your parents 95.00

you vomit (chunky dinner) on your boyfriend in the backseat of his Jaguar with leather seats, while performing fellatio (damn that gag reflex) 95.00

your roommate's cat pees on your comic-book collection 96.00

You had so much sex with your new girlfriend that your foreskin has swelled up like a boxers eye 98.00

there is blood in your urine 99.00

Wrong hole 99.00

lost the NT admin password 99.00

you get crabs 99.00

Finding bloody skid marks in your underpants and VERY bloody stool simultaneously. 99.00

Your UPS test fails 99.50

You are in the middle of receiving fellatio in your car when you run into a sobriety checkpoint 99.97

After making coffe in the morning without your glasses on, you notice the kitchen floor is squirming with live maggots. 99.99

you get mugged (US$50) 100.00

your car get impounded for outstanding tickets 100.00

You buy new expensive piercing jewelry, it's the wrong size... and not returnable 100.00

You wake up with a cockroach in your ear 100.00

Swalllowing a fly and then sneezing it out AND ITS STILL ALIVE 100.00

You discover, after having eaten two girl scout cookies from an unopened box you retrieved from the trash, that they are teeming with maggots 100.00

When you trip over and your hand lands in crap 100.00

Dr. Needs to use mild acid to burn off scar tissue from your hemroid surgery 100.00

you get dumped on by 5 million birds 100.00

Girl who you are involved with comes to visit. but you get practically no face time with her cause she has friends that are jealous of you and otherwise just hog her all to them selfs. 100.00

You step in dog crap barefoot and it squishes up between your toes. 100.00

you have to drop your last blunt because the Guardia Civil shows up, in a very bad mood 100.00

You take a bite out of an apple, and find half a maggot in it. 100.00

You start getting the giggles at the funeral parlor 100.02

You have uncontrolable flatulences while you're getting an anal exam 100.09

dream about waking up and getting ready for school/work just about every other day. I've done it since I was five. I wake up as soon as i get to work/school in my dream 100.10

you dream about peeing 100.52

you join the navy 100.52

you realize your only social life is playing Dungeons and Dragons 105.00

you pepper spray yourself 107.00

"you get hit by a car, no broken bones" 108.00

you get captured by gorillas 109.00

you get a call from the IRS 110.00

you cross the line into alcoholism 111.00

No one can seem to remember why youre traveling to PA this summer, so you must repeat that you havent seen your mother in over a month because she is taking care of your beloved grandmother, who is VERY ill. 111.03

you catch yourself in a zipper 112.00

you get poison oak on your penis, and it swells to enormous size 112.00

you get a yeast infection 112.00

You only discover that you caught genital warts of that superhot girl when your regular girlfriend complains of front bottom pains 112.00

you wipe with poison oak 113.00

You spend all day at work entering todays date on things, then get home and spend three hours trying to figure out why your wife looks so upset BEFORE you realize that its her birthday. 113.25

your first boyfriend at university dumps you because he thinks the poison oak rash up your crack is a VD 113.75

no one shows up at your party, NO ONE 114.00

You make up a really lame story (that includes your friends) about a magic lake to get the kids you are babysitting to go to sleep, and somehow your friends find out. 114.00

you re about to sing this great solo in a musical and then you have no voice standing before the public. 114.50

your dad catches you masturbating 115.00

you declare bankruptcy to avoid getting evicted 115.00

Your car gets stolen 2 weeks after you get it. 115.50

you find out youll never get your braces off 115.50

You catch your dad masteurbating 115.50

You think of something really funny in the middle of a test and, of course, cant stop laughing. 115.50

You write nearly 100 pages of a screenplay on the computer without backing it up. The hard drive crashes and it costs US $1,000 to recover it. 115.58

You have very bad hemorrhoids AND very bad gas 115.59

you find out your room mate has been using your tooth brush for no other aparent reason other than to be sick or something 115.59

you pass a stone 116.00

the Internet start-up you work for runs out of funding 116.00

you fracture your ankle 3 moves before finishing your level in kung fu 116.00

A fellow officer lends you a belt holder for your pepper spray. You attach it to your belt, then use the restroom. Once in the patrol car, you feel a horrible burning sensation. He had accidentaly sprayed the holder, and didn't clean it well! 116.00

Your cd burner's writing laser gets misaligned one month after the warrenty runs out. $90 to fix or $100 for a new one. 116.00

You bite into a shrimp toast, chew, swallow, then look at the other piece and see half a cockroach embedded in the Shrimp part 116.00

the company you work for announces everyone is going to have to re-interview for their jobs 118.00

you break your toe and there's nothing you can do to help it 118.00

Standing on a UK style (3 pin) plug at 3am while getting up to piss 119.00

You miss your second flight since first flight was delayed...you get stuck in Chicago Midway 4 hours before finally leaving for your destination. 124.95

you go bankrupt 125.00

the boss finds out you're stealing from the company 125.00

Your best friend in the whole world stops spending time with you because she has a new boyfriend. A really ugly boyfriend. 125.00

you find out your boss is stealing from you 125.01

you have to move (because of someone else) 130.00

you get your wifes name tattooed on your chest, then she divorces your loser ass anyway 130.00

you have to move into a cardboard box 130.00

You get caught trying to suck your own dick. 130.00

Other people notice you are going bald 135.00

the dot-com you work at tanks 137.00

the dot-com you work for moves you to Utah 137.00

the dot com you work for moves to to Utah, then tanks 137.00

You beat up this punk-ass kid, but you go to the hospital cos you broke your hand 138.00

you live in Texas .. and youre a vegetarian 140.00

you get cancer, but it's not the \ 140.00

you get cancer, but it is not the oh my god i have got 6 weeks to live cancer, it is the oh, darn, cancer, i have got 6 months of chemo cancer 140.00

You discover that your lover is actively pursuing polyamorous relationships on the internet without your knowledge or consent. 148.32

you discover that your best friend who you/ve just had wild sex with, is gay 148.32

having your brother talk to you about his impotencey with his bitches in hot tubs. 148.32

You didnt get a raise after sleeping with your boss & now he talks about how lame a lay you are to the entire staff 148.50

You leave your drink at the bar to go to the bathroom and when you return it has backwash in it 148.50

you knick your self while tryin to shave your privates 148.50

you go to a job interview only to find it is actually a recruiting session for herbalife distributors 149.00

No one remembers your birthday 150.00

girlfriend cheats on you with boss who is 13 years older than her 150.00

you lost your job on jan 2000, because you were putting in y2k fixes and finished 150.00

leave your ugly wife for hot chick, then hot chick dumps you for ugly dude 150.00

YOu get fired from your job, and start crying in fron of your boss and a big snot bubble forms in your nose 150.00

everyone blames you for the holocaust 150.00

you fill in for someone at work, do a damn fine job, they quit and you dont get the job 150.00

you get fired during your first day of training at a new job 150.00

You singe your hair lighting a cigarette at the stove 150.00

You realize you're a dirty commie 150.00

you are videotaped having sex with a donkey 150.00

You go to a medieval re-creation event in a rustic county park and it rains for 3 days straight, and you are in costume, in a leaky tent, with no dry towels 150.00

You get all your teeth pulled, then find out you are pregnant and cannot get the rest done for another nine months 150.00

you have all the symptoms of hypochondria 150.00

your husband leaves you for another woman and lives with her but tells you he still wants to be married to you 150.00

you get a nose bleed 150.00

Falling into the toilet 150.00

Your insane landlord claims you are his wife while he is being arrested for nailing the next door neighbors garage shut and you only moved in two weeks before 150.00

you find out your ex girlfriend is actually straight because shes been making out with your boyfriend 150.00

ALL your friends move away eventually leaving you ALL alone. 150.00

bad skin 150.00

You wake up 2 hours after punching him to find a bare ass in your face with pieces of sh*te flying all over you and your bed. 150.00

Mom at a porn site 150.00

you start a fight and lose horribly 150.00

You fall over in an ice rink, and someone runs over your hand 150.00

you get Icy Hot on your genitals 150.01

You quit your job, smoke a bunch of ganja, take some $50 magic potion that is supposed to keep you from peeing positive, and it doesn't. Then you have to wait 2 months to look for a job, without weed. 150.01

You get involuntarily terminated due to department reorganization ... and there's no reorganization 151.00

Surrounded by rotweilers while smelling of dog food 151.00

Your mother calls you into the room 3 times cause she keeps getting stuck at a porn site 151.00

A dirty syringe pokes you 152.00

A crown falls off a tooth, but the dentist wants to replace the crown on the next tooth and it hasn't come off, yet. 152.00

Your appendix bursts 153.00

Your house gets condemned 154.00

The dot-com you work for announces layoffs the day after your grandfather dies. 154.00

You are homeless for a week, without a car 155.00

your wedding is severely impacted by weather 160.00

RSD/Fibro/CFS 160.00

your website crashes and all backups of your data are destroyed in a brushfire 162.00

falling off the roof drunk while watching fireworks. 162.00

You don't get asked to your high-school prom & you don't go 163.00

the fed ex guy tells you a dirty joke 163.00

The girl you like starts sleeping with a guy you dislike 170.00

Someone sees your boyfriend out with this other girl... And you find out this girl is your best friend. 170.00

The girl you like turns out to be a man 175.00

in 7th grade while talking to the girl of you dreams you walk into a pole 176.00

You gamble away your rent money 177.00

You buy a puzzle at a yard sale for $0.50, and find someone's stash in it... and get busted for it. 177.00

You break your writing hand 180.00

the school tough flips out on you and kicks your ass 180.00

the guy you like used to be a girl 180.02

You find a lump in your breast or testicle 183.00

you tell someone to get a crappy $5 guitar out of your room to smash it, and they take out and smash your $2000 guitar, before you can stop them 183.54

your dad and his pals walk in during your triple-X strip-show 183.59

Your mom walks in on you having sex 185.00

Walk in on parents having sex 185.50

you become a heavy smoker (pack/day) 190.00

your fiancée walks in on you having sex 195.00

You get an ugly painful fungus on your face for 3 weeks 196.00

you have an episiotomy 197.00

10 minutes before your doctoral thesis defense you use a Listerine breath strip. Turns out the strip is your roommates acid. 197.85

You get an injury that requires both a doctor & a dentist 199.00

You hit a hole in one, and no one is there to witness it, and no one will believe you. 199.00

You get pulled over for a minor equipment violation, the deputy finds your cocaine and then snorts the entire gram during six trips to the backseat of your car while you watch in disbelief from the curb 199.25

The deputy who snorted all of your cocaine still takes you to jail for possession and being under the influence, when he is the only one who has got a taste of it. 199.26

You get a DUI 200.00

Your parents find a bag of weed, catch you lying about it, and you lose $10, and your best friend gets in trouble too. 200.00

You get a chemical burn 200.00

You realize that potatoes aren't all there cracked up to be 200.00

Your best friend is killed in an auto accident on his way to pick you up from work 200.00

You realize that the animated movie you got for your kids accidentally got switched to an x-rated movie. And they have already started watching. 200.00

You accidentally reverse your vacuum cleaner 200.00

You jump onto a couch, not seeing the newly sharpened pencil lying on it which subsequently becomes lodged in your Achilles tendon 200.00

You jump onto a couch, not seeing the newly sharpened pencil lying on it which subsequently becomes lodged in your ass 200.00

You find an old copy of hustler magazine and discover that your mom is the centrefold model 200.00

Your girlfriend, who has the ass of an angel, get warts on her butt. The doctor has to use chemicals to burn them off and she ends up looking like a striped-ass baboon when she shows Victorias Secret 200.01

girlfriend goes out to find another girl to participate in three-way with you, meets girl, falls in love and breaks up with you 201.00

your dog gets hit by a car & dies 210.00

Your dog gets hit by a cop going 50 in a 35 with no lights or siren and dies, and you get a ticket for not having it on a leash. And then have to bury before your wussy little brother comes home and crys. 211.00

You let a mate use your pc, and he accidentally falls for the --no credit card required, just click to install-- premium rated drop-dialler trick - and runs you up a £300 Bill, and is too nervous to talk to you anymore 211.00

You go to the doctor for an annual checkup and come home with menengitis 211.05

you lose a job you like or need 215.00

Youre job is painting lines on the road and you get paid by the line but you paint the lines on a divided two way highway so you only paint one line per day and therefore make a very small salary. 215.00

You carry a car battery and lean it against your shirt, then it burns a horizontal black line through your shirt across your gut. 220.00

you go to jail overnight 225.00

First visit to the OB-GYN. The same one your mom uses. After the exam, he says that you look just like your mom. 225.00

you have a mastectomy 227.00

you become a freshman composition teacher 227.00

you get shot 228.00

you get shot, repeatedly 228.00

"you cause a car accident where no one is injured, no insurance (US$3,000)" 230.00

your name is mentioned in your friends suicide note 231.00

the doctor tells you that he has to remove half of your brain, or else you DIE 231.00

you get trapped in a mine for 77 hours with 9 other men and no shower 231.50

you get stabbed 232.00

you go to jail because of an idiot friend, and get stuck next to a murderer

233.00

Youre a delivery ninja for ninja burger and you dont make it in time, dont get a tip, and are forced to commit seppuku 233.40

Cops take your lyrics for your brothers suicide note 236.10

Having a shelf load of gallon size paint cans fall on you and having to pay for all the wasted paint. 250.00

You are charged with a DUI. Are proven innocent in court - but since you didnt give a urine test the night of arrest you loose licence for 6 months 250.00

You have a truck and decide to stop a Camaro that spunout and is stuck in the field, only to discover that while you were talking, your truck also sank into the mud. 2 hours later, both vehicles are out, but the mud also ripped out your brakeline 250.00

Little kids mock you as you walk down the street 250.00

your mom makes you a 4 arm alien costume from chicken wire and newspaper and teenagers try to rip off an arm while you are trick-or-treating 250.00

in a pre-medication phase of life, your supposed best friend convinces you that you have magic powers, video tapes you fighting non-existent demons, and shows it to his friends, their friends, everybodys friends, annually, for 7 years running now 259.00

hospital visit becomes year-long drug addiction 260.00

snap off all four fingernails while trying to open a drawer 260.00

you get in a wreck and your insurance doubles 270.00

you have an abortion 285.00

hard disk failure- thesis and data lost-Nobel prize goes begging 285.00

you go to the doctor because your wrist hurts, and he solves the problem by sticking a needle into your wrist and injecting cortisone along the nerve, causing you to scream 285.00

leaving the pool hose on in your indoor pool so you can wake up to wet squishy $1500 carpet in the morning where it came through the sliding doors 285.00

You drink too much at an office party and end up humping the leg of your boss while screaming I WANT TO F*** YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! in front of all of your peers. 285.50

You have an abortion, it lives, and you have to raise it. 290.00

youre an assistant manager and nobody listens to you 300.00

You contract Gangreen in a not so nice place 300.00

You somehow kill someone with a salad shooter 300.00

walk into a lamp post while admiring yourself in a shop window 300.00

you get captured by guerillas 305.00

you have to keep pretending not to have a headache since you promissed your girlfriend you would go see a doctor next time it happened 305.00

You are a stockbroker and you lost everyones money and ruined your life.. 307.00

you get left at the altar 308.00

You get attacked by a shark. 308.00

you impale yourself on your ski pole in the process of trying to impress the hot ski bunnies 308.00

You nail your foot to the floor 308.00

you take a drink from the sink and your tongue gets stuck in the disposal 308.00

You accidentally eat a bee that stings the inside of your windpipe, thereby effectively shutting off your air supply 308.00

your motorcycle fouls its only spark plug on the freeway at 70mph 309.00

You lose a ring finger 310.00

You lose a front tooth 325.00

finding out too late that you can get genital herpes through oral sex

325.00

you lose your sense of smell 330.00

Your spouse dies while on the honeymoon. 330.00

you get fired for surfing porn 330.00

your tattooist turns your original design into flash and repeats it on Michael Bolton , which recieves world wide media coverage. 330.00

You find out you have a severe chronic mental illness 331.00

Your therapist keeps mentioning the benefits of electro-convulsive therapy 331.00

you fall face first in dog poop 331.00

you get cancer 332.00

You accidentally kill your cat. 334.00

you get 40 lashes 335.00

you lose a job you love and need 340.00

You wake up in the refrigerater of a morg 340.00

You are enslaved 350.00

You lose your nose (frostbite) 355.00

you lose a thumb 365.00

Your greatly loved Aunt dies on your birthday and from now on your family remebers the day of her death but forgets your birthday 365.00

"You lose 5 teeth, including 2 front teeth" 380.00

Kneeling before the toilet, about to heave, when dizziness takes over and you do a header into the bowl. 380.00

Decided that the makers of nair were just being cautious by putting that little warning label about applying to genitals. 380.00

You wake up with no memory of the night before and a huge pile of budgie feathers on the floor beside your bed. 380.00

Having sex the same day you had put the nair on your genitals 380.05

you get deported 381.00

you lose your favorite way of communication: your middle finger 382.00

You lose an arm 390.00

You lose an eye 400.00

you fall off of a building 400.00

someone finds out you've secretly charged thousands of dollars to the client's retainer and you get fired, fined and arrested

400.00

you get robbed by a hooker 400.00

Your tattoo artist keeps muttering things like sh*t damn and I can fix that while working on your back 400.00

Well into adulthood you realize that you passed up what would have been the best sex of your life because you instead bought into homophobic christian bullshit. 400.00

People keep slandering your religon 400.00

you fall off a building and live. Now you have to eat through an IV for the rest of your life because you broke every bone in your body. Including those little ones in your ears 400.00

A virgin for what seems all your life & the 1st time you have sex with that special person... you get a VD... 400.00

Your girlfriend gets pregnant the first time you loose your virginity. And morning after pills dont work. And she wants the baby. 400.00

you fall off a building and on the way down you snag your eyelid on a nail 400.00

you have been dating the same girl for the last four years and still havent found the right hole 401.99

while looking at internet porn, you find pictures of your fiancee in a three-way 401.99

You accidentally taste someone, and your mouth waters 405.00

Your boss, acompanied by his HOT secreatry you've been trying to get with, opens the door to your office while your changing out of your bathing-suit after doing laps in a VERY COLD pool. 405.00

you shake some insanity sauce (extremely hot sauce) and the lid flies off and sprays the sauce in your face and burns you 406.66

I picked up a pay phone to find someone put human feces in the ear peice 406.66

you realize you are sexually attracted to Gilbert Gottfried 410.00

Girlfriend gets pregnant - turns christian - and doesnt want to have sex again until you marry her. 410.00

you find out you have type 2 diabetes and now cannot eat the things you love to eat 410.00

You accidentally kill someone 425.00

you find a dead body

425.00

Your first day of prison all the guys nickname you Fresh AssParty 425.00

you pass out on some traintracks at 3AM 425.75

You get infected with the HIV virus 450.00

step on a wet hair ball from your cat 450.00

you have a miscarriage 459.00

You pass out drunk into the bonfire. 499.99

You lose a leg 500.00

Bulding falls on you 500.00

Your girlfriend gets you addicted to Heroin 500.00

You drive your card into the Broadway Market Parking Garage with you bike on the roof 500.00

You are the Mole, and *everyone* knows it 500.00

you adjust yourself during school and your watch gets snagged on the inside of your boxers 500.00

You realize that, yes, you are ugly 500.00

Realizing that you really can't change your significant other 500.00

trying to light a tompon instead of a cigarette 500.00

You are wearing the pants you hate 500.00

going on a talk show & having the entire audiance TOTALLY diss you 500.00

your life is so messed up that you think getting shot repeatedly only rates a 228 on the dolor scale 501.90

You run out of heroin 510.00

You are disemboweled 525.00

you wake up dead 525.00

you dont realize till after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night is now planning on a sex change 549.00

You get raped 550.00

you contract HIV while cheating, and find out after your wife/husband get it too 550.00

The guys in the bar find out your wife left you for another woman. 550.00

After what seems like hours of passionate lovemaking, you ejaculate. Then your wife asks you to hand her the vibrator. 550.00

Your wife runs off with your imaginary friend. 550.00

you realise your dog has a better sex life than you 550.00

the police department you use to work for arrests you 550.00

you dont realize till after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night has a penis. 550.00

you wake up next to a really hairy homeless man with a bag of balck tar cocaine in your armpit 550.00

getting shot in the chest with a roman candle 550.00

you have to go to the wedding of your last remaining single friend 550.00

you get raped and no one believes you or even says it was your fault 551.00

out sailing/videotaping cool looking sharks/oops, fell in 575.00

You get gang raped 600.00

You have all 4 wisdom teeth out and it wont stop bleading or hurting 600.00

Your trapped on the top floor of a building. A airplane hits the middle section of your builing - and you just watched the exact same thing happen to a building next to you. Except that one you watched collapse. 600.00

You realise you are a transexual and will have to spend vast amounts of money on surgery and tell your parents, boss and wife. 600.00

you find out that dixie crystals *are* bone-char processed after busting your ass for four years trying to be a damn conscious vegan 600.00

The FAA takes away your medical certificate because they fear you will kill thousands of people. 600.00

You get burns over 60% of your body 650.00

you put gasoline in the kerosene heater 650.00

you are a coprophiliac 652.00

You lose both arms 660.00

you fall asleep and your wife cuts off your penis and then throws it out a car window 660.00

Your leg becomes dislocated, the doctor pops it back in and one of your testicles gets popped into your hip socket with your hip joint. 660.00

You are thrown directly through a window 665.00

You wreck your car by smashing into your mothers car. 665.00

you become completely addicted to the bad things list. 665.00

you go on your honeymoon to have sex for the first time, only to find that your spouse is a member of the same sex, and just looks like the opposite sex 666.00

You are granted eternal life, and then you commit a crime and get a life sentence. 666.66

You find your parents having sex in your in your bedrom on your own bed. 666.66

you think that pit bulls are cute & you think you know whats up until you get one & it rips up your neibors kid. 666.66

on top of a skyscraper, you pretend youre going to fall off to scare your friends, then you fall off 669.20

you get castrated 670.00

you get beaten to a pulp on the Chicago L train for wearing stripy tights and a dog collar by a black girl who has her hair shaped into a yellow and green pineapple......for real, no joke. 670.00

You get castrated...with and ancient (and rusty) tribal spear. 676.00

You lose both legs 680.00

your tongue piercing gets caught on your girlfriends intimate piercing, and you have to go to the hospital like that to get it fixed. 680.00

after coitus you cant find a sock to wipe on 680.00

You leave for work for the day and come home to find the boyfriend who's flight you paid for is putting it to two female backpackers you thought were your friends - and no one stops when you enter the room. 680.00

Your vasectomy went horribly, HORRIBLY wrong, maam 680.00

GETTING A BOTCHED BOOB JOB 680.00

Your mom walks in on you and your girlfirend having sex. In fursuits. Then she gets you both thrown into the psych ward. 705.00

Your parents kill your sibling by forcing him or her to drink bleach in an effort to excise the demons. 720.00

you write parking tickets for a living 720.00

you get hit by a meteor during eye surgery 720.00

diving into a pool and coming up with a mouthful of wiggly mosquito egg water !!! GAG !!! 720.00

Your dog thinks its funny to crap on your 80 year old neighbors welcome mat, and barf on your pillow, but your brothers like it too much to put it to sleep 774.00

Beer Spillage over both my girlfriend and best friend 777.77

You develop uncontrollable diarrhea and crap your pants during a date 780.00

You spend thousands of dollars to open a new business in the mall, and no one wants to check out your product 790.00

You lose both eyes 800.00

I stole my moms car 800.00

A train hits you 850.00

a train hits you, and you live for 60 more years, unable to feed yourself 850.01

while talking to parents they point out the pubic hair stuck in your teeth 850.01

You get drunk and sleep with your teacher, only to find out the next week you are pregnant. 852.00

You hit 42 and are still concerned about the absence of pubes 900.00

listening to tales of my ex-girlfriend having sex with other guys. 900.00

Quadriplegic 960.00

A grenade goes off in your hand 970.00

Return from a routine space mission only to find that everything is exactly the same, with the exception that everybody is a monkey. 970.00

You take a drink from a bottle full of piss 970.00

your house is covered in molten lava 970.00

You are paralyzed 980.00

Just before going under, your surgeon mistakenly identifies you as the man sleeping with his wife. 999.00

youre told you have brain cancer and you have only six months to live 999.00

after hearing that you will die, you decide to spread your seed instead of freezing it. the doctors say, hey, wait, you wont die! you're now father to 200 children. 999.00

you die 999.99

12-year old you are riding your bike and are hit broadside by a speeding 1959 Edsel 1000.00

You get buried alive 1000.00

you live in Russia 1000.00

You have sex with a girl and she hits your brand new car leaving. 1000.00

you realize that you love homosexual activity and you've been with a member of the opposite sex for four years 1000.00

you put on a horrible mask and cannot get it off 1000.00

My grilfriend (after telling me she couldnt love again, for a long time. and after breaking up with me) Started fucking her best friend (who has been gay for 7 years and been with ALOT of guys) The day after we broke up, and kicked ME out of MY apt. 1000.00

your plane goes down over the ocean and your floatation device has a hole in it. 1000.00

You suddenly discover God is real, when you've been an atheist for your entire life 1000.12

You discover God is fake, after being a devout Christian (or whatever) for your entire life 1000.12

your mother becomes a Jehovas Wittness and wont talk to you anymore because you are a Southern Baptist, even though she raised you to be a Southern Baptist 1000.12

You are subpoenaed to re-blow the President on the senate floor because they must know *exactly* what happened. 1002.00

Your brain is transplanted into a cow 1099.99

a cows brain is transplanted into you (while you are still completely awake and aware of what's going on, but have no means to stop it) 1099.99

you lose all limbs and reproductive organs but you still live for another 45 years 1100.00

You break your back outside and the neighbor's fat ass old dog poops near you as you wait three hours for someone to get home. 1100.00

you die on your lawn next door to an elementary school and the only person who notices is the garbage man 1100.00

you get hypothermia, someone throws you into a hot tub, and you have a heart attack from the temperature change 1100.50

Pan retinal photocoagulation for diabetic eye disease 1100.50

You work really hard to get on the show Fear Factor only to learn that the first challenge is to carve out your own spleen and eat it. 1100.50

you go to kick that piece of ice that's just sitting there on the ground and it ends up that it's stuck and you fracture your toe. 1100.80

you are slowly sucked to death by angry, vengeful lampreys. 1111.11

you decide to have fun with the pool filter and get your privates stuck 1111.12

mistakenly grab tube of Krazy glue when reaching for the KY 1200.00

You are sued for millions in a copyright suit because you used the nike logo without permission on your shabby, flash animated website and a nike exec happened to see it 1203.00

You get frostbite and all your fingers and toes fall off and you don't notice for three weeks. 1203.00

Your rectum prolapses whilst having sex with the woman of your dreams 1211.11

you get hit by a rock in the head and cant see, hear or taste anything ever again 1211.11

The Jon Stewart look-alike you picked up at a Wesley Willis show wont screw around with you, no matter how drunk you get him, because HE REALLY REALLY RESPECTS WOMEN 1282.00

You die peacefully 1300.00

You live in afghanistan and look like bin laden 1300.00

Big, smelly mushrooms start growing out of your ears, mouth and nose 1300.00

a twisted psycho gets insistent about combing your bald head with a potato peeler 1300.00

you get chopped up in a wood-chipper 1323.00

You are hanged 1350.00

You get aborted. 1350.00

You die in a mudslide. 1351.00

Herpes in your optic nerve causes your eye to fall out 1362.76

Your pistol stovepipes one round into a shootout, and you have no backup. 1400.00

You are drawn & quartered 1420.00

someone takes a corkscrew and twists it into your belly-button then pulls it out slowly 1420.00

you get eaten alive 1420.00

you buy a brand new recliner, and your cat pees on it so much, and so frequently, that you can no longer clean it, the smell is intolerable, you leave it on the curb... bye bye recliner, we miss you! 1430.00

You get boiled in oil 1450.00

Personal injury involving your crotch and a sewing machine... in the mountains 1450.00

fall off balcony, snapping back on a theatre chair 1450.00

You cut up fresh hot chili peppers, go to the toilet and the searing pain reminds you that you forgot to wash your hands. 1450.00

You get a prior sex offender notice from the new guy next door 1450.00

you walk in on your two same sex friends having sex 1450.00

You pay tens of thousands of dollars out in tuition to go to a university with a T3, only to have them block file sharing ports completely because they can't figure out how to solve the bandwidth problem with bandwidth capping . 1450.00

Talking to your new co-worker and offhandedly mention to him that one reason this summer job rocks is because so many -hot- women work here. Later, you find out he is actually a really homely female and believes that you were flirting with her. 1450.00

You step through a time warp sending you back to the age of the dinosaurs, and step on a bug, resulting in the human race never evolving, causing a paradox ripping reality open at its seams. 1450.00

You lose control of all thought, later coming to, you realize that you have ten sticks of dynamite down your pants, and you are driving a flaming busload of nuns into a nursing home. 1450.00

you get a prior sex offender notice from the guy next door the day after you asked him out on a date 1450.01

you are a leper 1450.51

You're halfway over a fence with one leg on each side when you realize that it is electric. You strain a groin muscle trying to get over before being shocked. 1450.51

you are a leper 1450.51

Someone asks what gender you are 1452.00

you marry a woman that vows to stay a virgin until the wedding night, you've been waiting forever to have sex w/ her and finally as she undresses you sees she has three nipples and two on her back 1452.00

Being asked what your gender is, and the person not believing your answer. 1452.75

you had an affair with a hot, young intern and now no one can find her 1452.88

You are in the military and get sent out on a highly dangerous mission, only to find out that the intel report is wrong and 8 out of 24 people die due to underestimated enemy strength. 1452.88

You find out there's tiny worms in your eyes. 1452.88

You are a civilian in an area which gets the attention of the American military. 1452.88

You get keelhauled 1452.88

you somehow find yourself lying on a block in the middle ages and a big, sharp, evil-looking knife is coming straight down onto your neck 1452.88

you get tied to your bed posts and then you get your balls popped by a wodden mallet 1452.89

you had an affair with a hot, young intern and they just found the body 1452.89

you contract narcolepsy whilst in a pit of ravenous man-eating lions, then you fall in to a fit of sleep 1452.89

you are on your deathbed, you confess to a dozen murders then get better 1452.90

you find out there's BIG worms in your eyes 1452.90

You hit a pedestrian with your car on your 20th birthday, and then get sued for millions all before you turn 21. 1452.90

You are sexually molested by your older brother since before you could remember and when you finally tell you parents they put you into therapy with a shrink that doesnt work and you are afraid of sex for the rest of your life. 1452.90

Kill loved one(s) in a car accident leaving you paralyzed and blind 1452.90

you spontaneously combust 1452.90

you decide to become a Satan worshiper and at your first meeting you learn that you are the sacrifice for that night. 1479.00

you get run over by a steamroller, from the feet up 1479.00

you are exposed to extreme radiation and your flesh sizzles off slowly for 2 years 1479.50

You get crucified 1500.00

You get skinned alive 1579.00

you get crucified upside down 1580.00