Stephen Colbert

It’s been over six weeks of quarantine, and “like all of you, I’m sure, I’m just looking forward to the glorious day when this crisis is over and I can rip off my mask and go into a crowded room full of elderly people and lick them all,” said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s Late Show. “And what gets me is that President Trump should’ve seen this Covid crisis coming.”

Reports revealed this week that as far back as January, the president’s intelligence briefing book repeatedly cited the virus threat. “Well, there’s your problem!” said Colbert. “Those are three of Trump’s least favorite words: intelligence, briefing and book. If they really wanted him to pay attention, they should’ve called it his ‘Daily Pornographic Hamburger Firetruck’.”

And on Monday, after scheduling, cancelling and rescheduling a press conference, Trump said he “can’t imagine why” people would heed his suggestion to drink bleach as a way to treat the coronavirus. “I can’t imagine why those people would follow your advice – it’s a real mystery,” Colbert deadpanned. “Specifically: ‘Nancy Drew and the Case of Bleach She Drank After Trump Told Her To.’”

At the briefing, the Trump administration unveiled their “blueprint” to expand coronavirus testing capacity in the country, though it leaves the onus on states to develop their own plans. “So, their plan is: make someone else come up with the plan,” said Colbert, who noted that it literally calls the federal government the “supplier of last resort”.

“Well, that is some inspiring leadership. Just like Braveheart: ‘They make take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom! Anyway that’s the blueprint, good luck! I’m the fighter of last resort.’”

Jimmy Kimmel

In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel also discussed the revelation that intelligence officials placed coronavirus warnings in Trump’s daily intelligence briefing book throughout January and February. “Book” was really the issue, Kimmel claimed. “The president doesn’t read books. If you wanted him to take it seriously, you should’ve tweeted him like a gif of a dancing cheeseburger.”

In other news, Vice-President Mike Pence caused a stir on Monday when he toured the Mayo Clinic without a mask – the only one not to wear one on his tour, since the clinic has a strict mask-wearing policy. “You know the only reason he didn’t wear a mask is because Trump won’t wear one,” said Kimmel. “Mike Pence is required to keep his lips free at all times for kissing master’s ass.”

After his visit, the Mayo Clinic tweeted: “Mayo Clinic informed [Pence] of the mask policy prior to his arrival today,” which was embarrassing, Kimmel said, although there might some logic to it: “I don’t know, maybe Mike Pence just wants to catch it already and be put out of his misery.”

Trevor Noah

And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah unpacked the issues with the government’s paycheck protection program (PPP), which set aside $342bn to help small businesses through the pandemic shutdown. A couple weeks ago, before most businesses could receive help, “that money disappeared faster than Rudy Giuliani in direct sunlight,” said Noah.

“How come every time the government builds a website, it immediately crashes?”



Here’s a look at the issues hampering the PPP loan program: pic.twitter.com/1F6D9oBqAv — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) April 29, 2020

Congress returned with a second round of $310bn, but still, the money did not get to the businesses, as the Small Business Administration website portal for loan applications crashed almost immediately after launch on Monday. But it’s not just computer issues: “it turns out that the reason small businesses haven’t been able to get their money, is because the big businesses have been snapping it up,” said Noah. In the first round of the funding, $810m went to large, publicly traded companies, some with market values of over $100m, including the national restaurant chain Shake Shack and the Los Angeles Lakers.

“I don’t care what anybody says, the Lakers do not need $4m,” said Noah. “The Knicks need $4m to bribe their fans to act like they don’t see what’s going on.”

“It’s important to remember that although what these big companies did was shitty, it wasn’t illegal,” Noah continued. “They saw a chance – a chance to get money – and they took it. Which is what companies are always gonna do.” Which raises the question: “why didn’t the government come up with regulations to make sure that the money for small businesses actually went to small businesses?”

Instead of keeping the big dogs out, the treasury ceded authority to the banks, “and then the banks did what the banks do, which is: screw over the little guys”, said Noah. Already, a lawsuit against four major banks – Bank of America, US Bank, Chase and Well Fargo – alleges the banks prioritized bigger customers (with their bigger bank fees) over small businesses.

The PPP situation proves “you can’t leave the loan decisions up to the banks,” Noah concluded, as banks are businesses – they’re “always going to take care of its top customers first”.

Furthermore, many small businesses are owned by women and African Americans, who often lack pre-exisiting relationships with banks. “So, if the banks didn’t know you before coronavirus, you’re definitely not going to be on their radar now,” said Noah, which is why some experts have warned that up to 90% of minority and women-owned businesses will be shut out of the paycheck protection program. “I don’t know how you fix this program overnight,” Noah concluded, “but if you’re a woman or a minority who owns a small business, I suggest you start practicing your jump shot, because that might be the only way you get some of this government cash.”