I’m trans, But I’m Still Entitled to Feel Joy!

Society and the Trans Community Shouldn't Shame the Transitioned for Their Expressions of Happiness.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

I have been debating this topic for a while now, contemplating whether or not I should write about it. The final straw came when I read an article last week a younger trans publisher had written. The report for a noteworthy publication was about how terrible her life was before she transitioned, and how it was still awful now even after years of transition. The writer goes on to say that she would never feel like she had arrived at being a woman. She would ultimately live a life of depression and soul-crushing dysphoria. I am paraphrasing here so that I can get to the point. She used her clout as a journalist for a high value, liberal, publication to tell the world this is how all trans people feel. I naturally felt the need to provide a more hopeful and positive point of view.

Before I dive into this, you may already be thinking to yourself that I’m not sensitive to the struggles and perceptions of others who live under this perspective. I want you to understand that this isn’t about other people’s experiences; this is about mine. The Trans experience is unique in that everyone’s journey is different, and people do respond differently to those changes in our bodies and minds.

Our day to day lives are full of things that are designed to bring us down. Dysphoria, a predisposition for depression and mental illness, hate and intolerance. Oh, and let’s not leave out the daily challenging of our freedoms and right to exist. Lest this not be enough, we cannot forget to account for any of a thousand different and individual challenges we independently face daily.

“This article is about happiness, isn’t it Constance?”

This article is about happiness, but more importantly, it’s about our right to not only feel joy but to be able to express it without being scrutinized or chastised.

A happy Trans person is not a threat to the LGBTQ+ Community nor the Trans cause as a whole!

Joyful trans people are instead a testimony to the personal fulfillment brought by the transition journey. Further, genuine happiness and satisfaction are just one of many measures that can be used to show the legitimacy of transition on those who suffer from dysphoria.

The thought of me as the poster girl for joy is ironic in and of itself. I, a reformed Pessimist and longtime miserable human being, would become the champion for trans happiness? I have lived 38 years with Gender Dysphoria. It has hindered me in one way or another since I was old enough to talk. On top of that, I have been morbidly obese since puberty. My growing up was a never-ending and tormenting experience of self-loathing and ridicule. That whole experience alone would prove enough to make a Debbie downer out of anyone. The story continues, though, into my adult life. There were five years where I went through sheer hell. I went through a horrible first marriage ending in a life-sucking divorce. While I was licking my wounds from that, I lost my mother, who was my closest friend and confidant. Then my life turned into a tale of death as my cousin, my aunt, and two uncles and another aunt, and finally, my grandmother, all passed away. By the time this five year was over, I had gained an additional 100 lbs. and found life utterly pointless. Finally, to cap off the shit show that was my life, I failed at my business. I had run this business for 15 years, and it was my dream. I was forced to re-enter the corporate workforce (at the bottom no less in a position I was overqualified for). I remember telling myself I would rather die than go back to corporate America, and I did die inside, one day at a time.

I don’t say all this to invoke pity. I say all this so you can understand the shit heap I have been trying to crawl out from under all these years. I have shared my testimony already so I won’t go into specifics here. Needless to say, things are turning around for me in a big way. One would think that recovery from all that might be the source of my happiness, but it is much simpler than that. My joy comes from the fact I am now living a life as my authentic self. My physical transition is ongoing, but my internal transformation began the moment I accepted myself for the woman I am. The physical transformation is for the world, but I am already confident in who I am. No matter what happens in my Physical transition, no one can take that away from me.

It brings a smile to my face even now as I write this;

I am free; I am genuine; I am me.

I am mindful of everything I stand to lose and have lost already, but it doesn’t matter anymore; it can’t. I have been like Edmond Dantès, a prisoner for 38 years in my own Château d’If. Now I have washed up on shore screaming madly that ‘I am free!’