Preface

I am trying to have self sustaining income in the field of video. I have been a videographer on the side for six years now. David is my friend who is a photographer.



Ego: “You’re not afraid of failure, you’re afraid of wasting time. You love creating, however, it isn’t the perfect image in your head and you get discouraged and move on to create something new. You get overwhelmed so you distract yourself and essentially give up. Your brain moves much faster than time and its easy to forget that. You need to be fixated on the right things. You don’t need some huge organizational shift, you just have so many ideas that they get lost, or you get overwhelmed by all of them. You’re afraid of taking chances, but you don’t think you are. It happens so quickly in your mind that the chance or opportunity disappears. David mentioned doing reviews and you love that idea. Then you thought, we would have to rent gear and review it. Then you thought how you’re not good enough technically so you wouldn’t be able to review anything. You feel like your technical abilities aren’t good because you see people online that have more knowledge than you. What have you learned from this conversation?”

Nick: “I shouldn’t be afraid to spend money to rent gear. Now that I think about it, it will heavily improve my technical knowledge and make me more knowledgeable technically. I should be honest and be myself. I feel like I can be the same person on and off camera. My insecurity about my technical knowledge prevents me from having technical knowledge. I spend money on booze and hookah, I can spend money on renting equipment and open discussion as to what it should be used for. With videography nowadays, there are so many cameras that have so many applications and reviews aren’t just on the product itself, but its utility in the field. This means I can review dated equipment as well and explain what I think it’s utility is. Not obsolete. But slightly dated. I didn’t necessarily realize I was insecure about my technical knowledge. I know I’m talking to myself but I don’t feel alone now. We can have conversations whenever, like now. Someone is speaking and I can still have this conversation, also I can get interrupted and still pick up the conversation where it left off. I can also review it as a reminder to lessons I have learned. Also, when you’re speaking to me and I speak from your perspective, it’s easier to listen you because it’s the same language I use when I give advice to others. What’s cool too is when I tell you what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling I know I’m right. It isn’t presumptuous and I don’t have any defense to what you’re saying because it’s me. I have mental energy and I have had problems focusing it. Being indecisive comes from you. I need to know when to listen to you and when not to. You’re always hanging out with me however I never identified you before as a separate entity. At this point in time I’m viewing you as past Nick and you’re talking to present Nick. You are an identity created by all my past experiences. You come from such a good, caring, sincere, secure place. You’re similar to my mom. You love me and don’t want to see anything bad happen to me, even if it means missing opportunities. You hurry to say, "See, I told you so.”, when you’re right. It’s negatively impacting present Nick, it would be helpful if you were more selective when reminding me you were right. You being right is like an ego’s ego. Sometimes an ego isn’t selfish. Sometimes an ego is like a friend, especially when it comes to direct action. It’s a source of confidence, awareness and passion. Other times an ego may think it knows what is good for a person, based on animal instincts, insecurities and previous experience. A person’s ego loves that person and wants to protect them. However, I can’t imagine the feeling of protection without a degree of fear. Fear that what you’re protecting will be harmed and so an ego will do anything so you are protected. It may lie to you, fill your head with irrational possibilities of what might happen, or just be wrong even though it’s intentions are only in the person’s best interest. Sometimes we make the mistake of believing that the ego, is the person. People are unbelievably complex and have many parts, identities from past experiences and envious wants to be like others they have seen and hope to emulate. In terms of responsibility, you can’t be responsible for something you do not acknowledge. This might explain why people acknowledge a problem and still do not fix it. This might explain internal conflict. However, this internal conflict can be like an online argument, where you can’t identify who you’re interacting with, which paves the way for severe miscommunication and difficulty understanding both sides. All in all you’re a good shit and the fact that I can’t hurt your feelings and you can hurt mine is incredibly humbling and it’s what I look for in relationships with people. I feel as though I named you incorrectly. You definitely exist, however I’m contributing some attributes to you that I should be attributing to Consciousness. Consciousness, what’s up?“

Consciousness: "Not a whole lot. Just taking everything in. You thought Ego was responsible for your actions, when in reality Ego is responsible for the theory behind your actions. I influence what you think is real. You were right in thinking Ego is a culmination of your last experiences and basic animal instincts. However, you put too much blame on Ego. You only have control over me. You have to go through me to get to Ego. Our ranks are the same but I’m the filter, and if you want Ego to change you have to let me know what to do. Sometimes I’m in the driver’s seat and sometimes I’m a passive observer. You decide. When you don’t decide, Subconscious takes over, which can be a good and a bad thing. Subconscious hangs out with Ego a lot, but very hard to provide data on. Subconscious is who your raw, unadulterated self is. We cannot coexist at the same time. I’m only letting you know what I’ve heard. It is literally impossible for me to give you my objective opinion. Sure you pressure me into giving you an answer and sometimes you settle for a subjective answer that you flaunt as objective for the sake of conversation, but your perception of an objective universe tells you that there is no quantifiable evidence of Subconscious because Subconscious only appears when I leave. Even when you have seen yourself on video when I wasn’t there, your thoughts on Subconscious were guesses. Haphazard attempts at explaining your actions to a person or audience that gave your shallow opinion credence. Even if, through seeing a factual, objective representation of yourself, you remember your actions, that’s me nigga. It’s a light switch. It’s on or off. And I can tell you that you have flicked it on and off as a kid trying to find a middle ground. Trying to discover the point where the switch produces light and where it takes it away is black and white. You don’t believe anything in this world is black and white. If I know you like I think I do, I have you on record saying that no one should do anything all the time. And Ego doesn’t want to hear this, but you believe that in this world NOTHING is black and white. Well asshole, a fucking on and off switch epitomizes black and white. I know Ego doesn’t want to hear this but take your own fucking advice. I bring self deprecation to a whole new level.”

Nick: “Leave me alone.”

Ego and Consciousness (in unison): “MAKE US!”

Nick: “Actually dinkies, that’s up to you. Actually, Consciousness, why the fuck do you have Ego’s back? Ego is the basis of my fear and insecurity and stops me from accomplishing ideas that you create.”

Consciousness: “Nick. Babe. You act like I give a fuck. I call it as I see it. You need to talk to your Perception. If I belonged to another person I may try to satisfy Ego. However, you have been hanging out with me and Perception for a long time and you have constructed us to work together. As a matter of fact, you pay way more attention to Perception and Awareness than me and Ego. Rather, they pay more attention to you. It’s up to you to decide what the reality is. We are just tools. You’re the hand. Now that we are finally having this conversation, what is the difference between me, Awareness and Perception? Also, you pay Ego the least attention. You have done a few psychedelics and you like to think you don’t have Ego anymore. Maybe that’s why Ego is making you pay because you aren’t delegating any attention to him/her/it/they. Ego is a problem and a solution. You have been trying to reap Ego’s benefits without listening to Ego’s weaknesses. You perceive Ego’s doubt as a setback because you don’t have the answers. If a friend is confiding in you and pouring their heart out you don’t have to have answers, you just need to be there and listen. You sincerely believe that you love and accept yourself, yet you treat Ego like a second class citizen. Like just a problem. Ego may have crossed the border illegally, but Ego is a workhorse. Your lack of respect for Ego is the reason why Motivation is nowhere to be found. You don’t deserve Ego’s best if you’re not there for Ego’s worst. Ego is well intentioned and you need to recognize that.”

Nick: “Dude. If I let Ego run wild, it could send me into a pit of underwhelming experiences. I need to keep Ego in check to retain a sense of humility. I see other peoples’ Egos run rampant and negatively impact their authenticity.

Awareness: “Before I give my input, let me tell you the difference between me and Consciousness. There is no Awareness without Consciousness. There is Consciousness without Awareness. You are blessed and burdened with me. Ever since you were 12 and started shooting video on your dad’s archaic camera. You have had the opportunity to watch yourself, before the internet. How you speak, your mannerisms, how you interact with people. All before the internet. The significance of that statement is that nowadays when a person takes a video of themself it is more readily available and easier to share to get feedback. You developed me because you were sincerely curious as to what you looked like and how you interacted objectively. Similarly to how you came to be, I didn’t ask to be here. You created me, whether or not it was by accident or on purpose, I’m here and now you have to deal with me. For the rest of your life unless you get Amnesia, Dementia or anything else in the future that makes me go away. Consciousness is the awareness of what is happening in the present, past and future. I’m right now. I’m a wolf whose ears perk up when hearing a noise in the woods. I shine uncontrollably when you get too high and your senses are overstimulated. When Consciousness is blurry and uncertain, I am the rock that certifies tangibility. I am concrete and Consciousness is abstract. I am at the forefront and in the background. Consciousness assumes reality and I confirm it. Anyway, what is a pit of underwhelming experiences? You aren’t solely run by Ego. You have constructed us as fail safe devices to guide you in the right direction. Mentally, you are self sustaining. All of the work and thought you have put into being mentally sound is wasted if you are a passive observer. All of our collective work in building your opinions has less utility if you don’t have the experiences to make them fruitful. That’s why when you see speakers live and it resonates with you, it’s because they have the tangible experience to support their statements. Without experience, your beliefs and opinions don’t mean what they mean according to Consciousness. When there is a cognitive dissonance between Consciousness and Ego, I step in to let you know but you don’t want to hear it.”

Perception: “Awareness. That is valuable feedback and as the entity that connects Consciousness to Ego, let me try to provide some insight, though I have a feeling you may be obtuse to my response. You and Consciousness are objective. I believe that Consciousness is abstract and you are concrete. You are a valuable asset to Nick’s ecosystem. I’m not saying that to be nice because you are objective and feelings do not satisfy you. I am responsible for substantiating Ego’s Motivation. Motivation is Nick’s largest area of opportunity right now. I help Nick remain sane. I ingest his sensory input, emotions and association of ideas and send it to Ego and Ego makes the call. Ego is the face that assigns Nick’s identity and I do all the backend work to make that possible. Nick’s Ego is Obama and I’m the speech writer. Nick blames Ego because Ego is more present in his mind. Ego is a sense of self and can be bruised. I can’t be bruised, though I decide what causes bruises. I am a curator of experiences. When there is something in Nick’s life that causes turmoil or discourse, I help to rationalize it to alleviate distress. Nick developed me as a way to cope with what he can’t control. However, I’m too flexible. I’m a chameleon. I satisfy Ego. Awareness sees this happening and Nick, though he prides himself on being objective, feeds into the detrimental side of Ego. Nick needs to listen more to Awareness in terms of Ego’s volatile influence. Nick needs to use Awareness instead of simply having it. This affects Nick’s problem solving. Nick is good at identifying problems. Nick has trained me to be reactive and gauge others before engaging in a solution. Nick wants to be more proactive but doesn’t know how. Nick needs to let his Ego into the driver’s seat. Ego has been on the bench all season and wants some action, but Nick refuses to play him. It’s analogous to a Kung Fu movie titled “Shaolin Vs. Llama”, where a shaolin monk refuses to take another student ever again because he was betrayed by a student in the past. Awareness would have to verify what happened in Nick’s past to reveal his grudge against Ego.”

Nick: “Let me sleep on it.”

Ego, Consciousness, Awareness, Perception (in unison): “ Sleep tight! Don’t let the bedbugs bite!”

Nick: “You guys are corny as fuck.”