The Rebel Alliance was stunned this week as plans to destroy the Death Star hit an unexpected snag in the form of a paywall blocking the small exhaust port containing the space station’s only weakness. The paywall was able to block the torpedo, saving the Death Star and resulting in the destruction of Yavin IV and the entire Rebel Alliance.

“I am shocked the Empire would resort to such low tactics as a paywall,” said Luke Skywalker, a former Rebel Pilot and son of a prominent Empire official. “Here we were expecting a fair fight, but they tricked us. The force is powerless against microtransactions.”

With protests mounting across the galaxy, more and more people have grown tired of the Empire’s unethical business practices. Last year, the Empire received “Worst Company in the Galaxy” from a local consumer affairs satellite after destroying planets where people were seeding torrents.

In response to criticism, The Empire’s corporate office released the following statement: “We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current across numerous social media outlets. Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can.”

When pressed for comment, the Emperor merely said “The Dark Side is the pathway to many abilities some consider…unnatural.” Pressed further, the Emperor used the force to crush the reporter’s windpipe. The Empire declined further comment.

Not deterred by the backlash, the Empire has pushed ahead on their next project: “Death Star II”. Though some are afraid it is being pushed out unfinished to meet the launch date, the Empire still has full confidence in the satellite.

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