Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a weird film. It’s a cheaply animated, near shot-for-shot remake of the beloved 1971 Mel Stuart movie – containing recognisable scenes, likenesses and backgrounds – that also happens to star Tom and Jerry, the cartoon characters so unsuitable for today’s climate that compilations of their cartoons now have to come with disclaimers where Whoopi Goldberg apologises for how racist they are.

“But,” you’re wondering, “does this mean that Tom and Jerry take the place of other characters?” No. Tom and Jerry – the cartoon characters so unsuitable for today’s climate that Turner Broadcasting had to edit out all the scenes where they smoke cigarettes – just sort of hang around in the background.

“But that’s OK,” you’re thinking. “Tom and Jerry are so beloved that their trademark slapstick fisticuffs will elevate any film they appear in, no matter how peripherally.” Again, you’re wrong. Tom and Jerry – the cartoon characters so unsuitable for today’s climate that the head of Egypt’s State Information Service literally blamed them for all violence ever to occur in the Middle East – don’t really fight any more. They honestly just sort of hang around in the background.

“But I still think Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory sounds wonderful,” you’re thinking. Fine then, you idiot, here are five more films that you’d enjoy.

Tom and Jerry: Up

A cheaply animated, near shot-for-shot remake of the beloved 2009 Pixar movie. As with the source material, this follows the story of a bereaved old man and his lonely young friend as they take off into the sky for a magical adventure, except this time there’s a herky-jerky cat and mouse shrugging at each other on the roof. Of course the real magic happens in the first 10 minutes, where we see a couple meet and fall in love and grow old and die, while a cat and mouse do googly-eyed double takes at each other whenever anything sad happens.

Tom and Jerry: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

A cheaply animated, near shot-for-shot remake of Michael Bay’s third Transformers movie. Chicago is all but destroyed as two armies of centuries-old robot-car hybrids attempt to drive the other into extinction in the most spectacular way imaginable. Meanwhile, Tom and Jerry follow Shia LaBeouf’s character around and they all pull funny faces at each other a lot and nobody seems to notice.

Tom and Jerry: L’Arrivée d’un train en gare de La Ciotat

A cheaply animated, near shot-for-shot remake of the seminal 1896 Lumière brothers documentary. Audiences will scream in terror as they watch a train chug inexorably towards the screen, fearful that it will burst through and trap them beneath its terrible wheels, then stop and look quizzically because they’ll notice that the train is actually being driven by a herky-jerky, weirdly passive cat-and-mouse pairing that clearly don’t belong there and rob the film of any sort of dramatic impact.

Tom and Jerry: Song of the South

A cheaply animated, near shot-for-shot remake of the impossibly problematic 1946 Disney musical. Little Johnny visits Georgia and experiences a whistlestop encounter with the happy simpletons of rural black America. Meanwhile, Tom and Jerry stand off to the side, clearly terrified of how they should react to any of this. At one point, Tom feels emboldened enough to cover his face in coal, like he did in 1948’s Mouse Cleaning, but Jerry mournfully places a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head. “Not any more, Tom,” he seems to say, “Those days are gone.”

Tom and Jerry: The Passion of the Christ

A cheaply animated, near shot-for-shot remake of Mel Gibson’s financially successful religious drama. At the end of his life, Jesus Christ is graphically tortured and killed by a merciless squadron of Roman soldiers, egged on by a crowd baying for blood. In a movie that finally suits their strengths, Tom and Jerry play two members of the Roman army who spend the entire duration of the film punching Jesus, hitting Jesus with anvils, forcing Jesus to swallow an iron bar so that they can drag him around the floor with a magnet, and smacking Jesus so hard on the back of his head with a pipe that Jesus bites his own tongue off and chases it around in the dirt while it tap-dances to Al Jolson show tunes.