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The Tory government has today published 25 notes warning of the consequences of a no deal Brexit.

They've deliberately been played down so people won't be "alarmed" at the prospect of crashing out in March 2019.

Sweat-drenched Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab even denied there would be a “sandwich famine”.

Calming fears of the "unlikely event" like an air steward, he added: "You will still be able to enjoy a BLT after Brexit, and there are no plans to deploy the army to maintain food supplies."

But as reassuring as this must be to everyone, by no means is it all good news.

Mr Raab sensationally admitted the government is poised to recruit 9,000 new civil servants to work on Brexit - on top of 7,000 already - and said: "Real livelihoods are at stake here".

Mr Raab also announced plans to recruit 1,000 more Border Force staff, on top of current recruitment for 300 border staff that is already underway.

Buried in hundreds of pages of small print of his No Deal 'technical notices' - of which there will eventually be about 80 - are some proper nasties that would make life more difficult in the UK.

Already the plans have prompted outrage.

Shadow Brexit secretary Sir Keir Starmer said: "A no-deal Brexit has never been viable and would represent a complete failure of the Government's negotiating strategy."

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Welsh First Minister Carwyn Jones added: "The writing is on the wall. No-deal would be a catastrophic failure of the UK Government that would cause huge disruption and serious, long-lasting economic and social damage to all parts of the UK."

TUC general secretary Frances O'Grady said the reports confirmed no-deal Brexit "would be devastating for working people."

Federation of Small Businesses (FSB) National Chairman Mike Cherry said: "The dangers of a sudden and unplanned no-deal Brexit have today been laid bare."

So what do the documents say?

We're rounding up what we've found in the worst of the small print.

1. It will cost you more to use your credit card

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The cost of using a credit card to buy goods or services from an EU company is "likely to rise".

That is because cross-border payments will no longer be covered by the EU's very recently introduced credit card surcharge ban.

In 2015, British consumers were charged £166million.

Remain-backing peer Lord Adonis, of the Best for Britain group, said: "No one voted for this two years ago.

"Companies based in the EU, such as Airbnb and Ryanair – both used by millions of people – would no longer be bound by rules limiting what they can charge UK customers who pay by plastic.

"Who even knew that card payments were going to be affected by Brexit. It's time for a people's vote."

2. It will cost more and take longer to buy anything from the EU

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This one is somewhat obvious but the papers confirm it in all its horrifying detail.

If there’s no deal, UK-based payment service providers such as PayPal would lose direct access to the EU’s central payments structure.

This mean customers “could face increased costs and slower processing times for EU transactions”, the papers say.

Meanwhile, the papers sketch out a whole load of new hoops UK businesses would need to jump through before importing goods from the EU.

They include registering for a UK Economic Operator Registration and Identification Number and submitting import declarations to HM Revenue and Customs.

Businesses are being advised directly by the government to look into buying up warehouse space for goods awaiting customs approval.

3. Six weeks' worth of extra medicines will be stockpiled

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A stockpile of six weeks' worth of 200 medicines already exists due to the threat of French lorry strikes.

But now the government is asking pharmaceutical companies to "ensure they have an additional six weeks supply of medicines in the UK - on top of their own normal stock levels."

The warning comes in a letter to pharma firms today by the Health Secretary Matt Hancock.

Brexit Secretary Mr Raab told the BBC: "There are potential issues around the border in the worst case scenario.

"So it's right, too, we will be working with industry around stockpiling of medicines for a working assumption of six weeks."

4. UK farmers face NINE-MONTH wait for exports that could bankrupt them

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UK farmers face a crippling nine-month wait for approval to export organic goods to the EU.

That is because logos on packaging would need to change, with UK producers being forced to drop the EU's organic food logo.

Yet the farmers would not be allowed to apply for this change until 30 March 2019 - and there is a nine-month wait.

"We are exploring alternative approaches that should speed up this process," say the technical notes - but they don't explain what those approaches will be.

Lib Dem MP Tim Farron, of the Best For Britain anti-Brexit group, said: "A nine month wait for organic farmers to sell their produce into their biggest market would see farmers up and down the country wiped out.

"The Government’s disastrous mishandling of these negotiations looks almost certain to lead to British organic farmers being put out of business – nobody voted for that."

NFU President Minette Batters said: "Not only would this be hugely disruptive but it threatens livelihoods and businesses in the UK."

5. Expat Brits could lose access to their pensions

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It doesn't look good for Brits living abroad who still have a bank account in the UK.

They may face restrictions on their ability to borrow money and in accessing certain insurance.

In particular, UK expats in the EU could lose access to their pension income and other financial services, the papers warn.

Lending and deposit services, insurance and annuities - which people rely on for a regular pension income - could all be affected.

The notes warn that UK citizens abroad "may lose the ability to access existing lending and deposit services, insurance contracts (such as life insurance contracts and annuities) due to UK firms losing their rights to passport into the EEA".

6. Parcels from the EU could cost a good £20 extra

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If there's no deal, any parcel from the EU to the UK worth up to £135 would have VAT charged on top.

It could be charged to the overseas firm sending the parcel - which in turn would charge VAT on customers "at the point of purchase".

This means a hike of around £20 on mid-value parcels being sent into Britain in a No Deal Brexit.

7. Workers will lose an important voice in the workplace

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No new requests to set up "European Works Councils" will be accepted after a No Deal Brexit.

These are bodies within a company that represent European employees and keep up communication between them and management about the progress of the business.

Labour - who repeatedly claimed Brexit could be an excuse to water down workers' rights - slammed the plans.

Shadow Business Secretary Rebecca Long-Bailey said: "The Prime Minister has waxed lyrical about protecting workers’ hard-won rights after we leave the EU.

"However, as is typical with this Tory Government, it was nothing but meaningless empty rhetoric.

"By not allowing new European Works Councils to form, nor having a contingency plan to replace them, the Tories are leaving British workers at a disadvantage compared to their EU colleagues.

"Leaving workers out of the loop and out of negotiations with management about pay and their terms and conditions."

8. New medicines will face a major chunk of red tape

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New medicines will need UK approval before they can be made available to patients in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

The Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA), which regulates drugs in the UK, will take on the functions of the EU if an agreement is not reached by March 29.

Products will have to go through national assessment before they receive market authorisation to be sold in the UK.

The notice states: "After EU exit, to market a product in the UK, an initial market authorisation application will need to be submitted to the MHRA and will go through a national assessment.

"MHRA will take a streamlined approach to approving UK market authorisation applications that places no greater burden on industry and ensures that patients can access new and innovative medicines at the same time as EU patients."

Most new medicines currently come to the market through a licensing route overseen by the European Medicines Agency (EMA).

9. Brits could face longer queues at Dover

We're still not sure on whether Kent's main motorways will be turned into a lorry park as some experts have warned.

There is still no clarity on whether customs will be collected at the border delaying lorries coming into the UK.

But the note does admit that officials will need to "minimise delays".

It says: "HMRC will work closely with industry to ensure its interventions are conducted in a way which minimises delays and additional burdens for legitimate trade, while robustly ensuring compliance."

10. Cigarette firms will have to fork out for horrifying new pictures of lungs

(Image: Marley/Twitter)

We know, we know - get your tiny violin for costs incurred to tobacco firms.

But really, tobacco companies will have to come up with some new horrifying pictures of people’s lungs - because the “existing picture library is owned by the European Commission”.

The Government says cigarette and tobacco packets will have to have the new pictures from day one of when we leave the EU.

11. Bad news for hunters?

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The European Firearms Pass would no longer be available for people in the UK taking their personal firearms to the EU.

They should still be allowed to take them as a temporary export.

However, they would need to be sure that the individual country will let them re-export them - i.e. bring them back to the EU.

12. Britain's men could have to do more masturbating. All for Britain, of course

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It's pub quiz time. Who knew that Britain imports bucketloads of sperm - 3,000 samples in 2017 - from Denmark?

Well, it's true.

Those imports can likely continue in a no-deal Brexit, the technical notices say.

But in order for that to happen, UK importers would need to reach agreements with individual establishments exporting sperm for use in fertility clinics.

That adds extra red tape.

The papers insist it will be a "minimum burden".

But what if it can't be overcome? There's only one answer, surely - the nation's men must masturbate for Britain!

13. And finally... We STILL don't know how to sort the Northern Ireland border problem

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The technical notes do raise the threat of no deal on the Northern Ireland border with the Republic - a key sticking point holding up Brexit talks.

But, er, they don't say how it would actually be solved.

Instead they simply commit to "engagement" on making sure trade could continue across the border.

The papers say: "In such a scenario, the UK would stand ready to engage constructively to meet our commitments and act in the best interests of the people of Northern Ireland, recognising the very significant challenges that the lack of a UK-EU legal agreement would pose in this unique and highly sensitive context.

"This would include engagement on arrangements for land border trade. We will provide more information in due course."