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Your president is nothing if not a gigantic stunt queen who revels in the act of proving that his figurative penis is bigger than everyone else’s. I say “figurative” because we all know that if the real one were big, we wouldn’t have to constantly worry about getting nuked by North Korea because Donald Trump has made another idiotic comment trying to prove how badass he is. But I digress …


In his latest demonstration of penis envy, Trump has tasked the Pentagon with putting together a grand military parade, complete with soldiers marching and tanks rolling down the streets of Washington, D.C., two officials briefed on the planning told the Washington Post.

Apparently your president was very impressed by the Bastille Day parade he witnessed last year in Paris—and in his best Veruca Salt voice, he told the Pentagon, “I want a military parade too, Daddy!”

A parade of the magnitude Trump is expecting is an expensive undertaking, so where will he get the money from? Is he going to take it from his gigantic wall fund?


Lest you think this story is fake or just a rumor, shortly after WaPo published its story, Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that the parade is being planned.

“President Trump is incredibly supportive of America’s great service members who risk their lives every day to keep our country safe,” Sanders said in a statement. “He has asked the Department of Defense to explore a celebration at which all Americans can show their appreciation.”

No official date for the parade is on the books yet.

I’m curious as to how the president thinks this is a good way to honor the military when he has yet to visit any of the troops in Afghanistan or Syria. The military doesn’t even have solid funding at this point, so what is he doing?


And what kind of obnoxious requests is he going to make to go along with this farce?

Will he ask our soldiers to march by him, look to the right while they high-step, hands in the air, and say, “Heil Trump”?


Someone should tell Trump that real Gs move in silence. Like lasagna.