Why I'm Leaving Twitter And Other Things

I figured I should give more of an explanation because "NRS community is trash" is kind of a meme and it doesn't really tell anybody anything. I'm gonna leave this up for a couple of days and deactivate again.



I'm autistic, and suffer from severe depression due to a combination of physical/mental/verbal abuse from my dad as a constant when I was younger and various other things. I was suicidal back in 2015 and I've only just recently made some kind of strides with fighting it. My autism is a hindrance because I have sensory overload problems bad. If there's too much noise, too much light, or if I'm put in a situation in game where it's just super fast paced with a shit ton of decisions to make per second I become overwhelmed and just freeze I guess. I think I've done a pretty good job of playing through this, but it's a factor I have to be consciously aware of. I can't even play with the game volume up too loud.



I'm a fucked up person. I have anger problems, I struggle to learn/adapt in general and I'm a perfectionist which compounds on top of my depression and me also being angry at myself for the struggles my autism causes me. I can handle a degree of shit talk just fine etc, my salt has pretty much always been directed at myself for being a fucking worthless piece of shit that can't do anything right, and every single little thing is viewed through this lens for me. I've never brought up any of this before for like, for real, because I'm not interested in scape goating my issues for why I suck. In fact I think the fact I've gotten as good as I have while struggling with what I struggle with is a pretty note worthy accomplishment.



The NRS scene is full of a lot of exactly the kind of people I retreated into nerd/geek culture to get away from, on top of being full of people who have the privilege of being able to focus all their anger and pride on a video game. I like talking shit, and I don't think there's anything wrong with getting salty or even rubbing the others guys salt in his face. Some people in this scene though, genuinely dislike me for teabagging them, calling out their skill in the game etc and it's frankly gotten exhausting. There's no fun to be had in this scene without adopting some super fake esports persona.



I have to be honest with you guys, I often wonder if I'm even capable of being a top fighting game player. A lot of people see me as an egotistical blowhard but it's really the exact opposite. I've always felt like my wins were barely because of me, and I've never had confidence in myself as a player at anytime since I entered this scene.



I think I've very rarely gotten what I gave back and it's mostly been over the top and over the line. I've put up with a ton of shit from people in this scene. I can 100% say with total frankness that the positive has never outweighed the negative putting myself out there. I've made friends, but that only outweighs the toxicity etc for only so long.



The TL:DR is, it's very difficult for me to do this already. I will always be a meme, a joke, a dislikeable person to people in this scene because I don't follow their rules, or cater to normie bullshit expectations of how one should act IN A VIDEO GAME. I have to do this for myself, and myself only and I have to be free from bullshit expectations that this scene puts on people. I'm up in the air about attending Combo Breaker which turns out might be a possibility but, I'm probably not going. I'm not up to competing. The shit going on in my life + my issues has me in a state where I'm unable to get into the essential headspace to compete at my best. I just can't.



I've been told a lot of people are prop fishing on me "rage quitting". I'm not rage quitting, I'm just opting out when it's obvious I've lost and also because it's literally shorter to quit out than it is to sit through the win screens in this game. Mk11 wastes your time a lot which is one of my very few irks about it. You all are fucking stupid peons though so I'm not surprised people are prop fishing. It just even more so confirms my decision to leave.



Also I don't understand this scenes obsession with not allowing people to be salty for losing. Shit is mad toxic.





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