Bun in the oven with the timer set to 2009? Skint, but willing to move? EU-based?

Congratulations – you're eligible for this week's Name Your Baby After a Fascist Dictator star prize!

The MSI-Fiamma Tricolore, the far-right descendant of Italy's 1930s Fascist party, is offering a generous £1,271 to couples willing to name their child after that nice Mr Mussolini – and, as rightwing names go, Benito's hardly Adolf, so don't Enoch it.

Now, there are a few simple instructions to follow, so are you ready to play Compromise Your Principles? Then let's go!

First, convince your reluctant partner that naming your unborn child after a murderous wartime villain is a great idea. Explain that the neo-fascist party running the initiative (we'll call it "Bullies' Special Prize") says Benito is "no less beautiful than any other name", and they should know. Plus, if it's a girl, you don't have to name it after Signore Mussolini but his wife Rachele, whose name doesn't sound like "racial" in the slightest.

When your loved one stares at you in horror, it might help to yelp "What?!" in an outraged way, as though she or he is being completely unreasonable. So then say you can always shorten the kid's name to Ben or Rachel, and it's not as though you have to give them the dictator's surname, let alone his post-1936 title – "His Excellency Benito Mussolini, Head of Government, Duce of Fascism, and Founder of the Empire". Plus, when you relocate to the sunny Mediterranean, the Italian government will give you £835, in addition to the £1,271 fascist bribe, because not enough Italians are getting up the duff. That's a whopping £2,106 – over eight times Gord's child trust fund!

Second, sell your house and settle down in any one of five designated villages in picturesque Basilicata, southern Italy (it's right down at the bottom here). No, you won't be able to get UK telly, but let's face it, most of it is rubbish anyway except for Peep Show. Don't speak Italian? Simply repeat whatever this man says 27,354 times, and you too could look as cheery as he does, even if anyone in earshot doesn't. The food's delicious; the wine's better quality; Italians live an average of two years longer than us, and they have more naked people in their adverts. What's not to like?

Third, do not – repeat, do not – pay any attention to the agonising doubt that you're making a terrible mistake. Repress your memories of what it's like to be young, and how cruelly inventive children can be. Ignore the imaginary 2019 news report playing in your head:

"Until last week, most kids at this school thought Mussolini was a type of seafood pasta dish, but since history lessons started three days ago, Basilicatan playgrounds have been ringing with the Italian equivalent of 'Ha ha, your cheapo parents named you after a racist for cash! You're a dictator – that means you're a dick for short. Dick!'"

Even if your son does end up being called "fascist pig" or your daughter "Rachele Purity", console yourself with the thought that your correspondent has survived being called Aryan, Ariel Sharon and Aryan Shrine for a very long time now, and she's not rightwing yet. Granted, her birth wasn't sponsored by "the real right wing" in order to "honour the party's deep roots", so it's very possible that your own child will feel more of an allegiance to fascism and take more of an interest in it. It's also possible that, if MSI-Fiamma Tricolore's mailing list is leaked in 30 years' time, it'll be replete with Benitos and Racheles. Hey, you might even be creating the next Mussolini! Still, it's really best not to dwell.

And last, whatever you do, please keep your partner and child well away from the 1990 Jiffi condoms advert in the same series as this one, which features grainy newsreel footage of a very depressed-looking elderly couple above the caption "Mr and Mrs Mussolini", with the tagline: "If only they'd used a Jiffi condom."

Let's hope you don't end up wishing the same thing.