Breaking News: Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR) introduces bill to sell off excess Utah congressmen

Responding to public outcry from millions of American hunters and anglers over an endless stream of Utah-spawned public-land transfer bills, Oregon Senator Ron Wyden this morning introduced legislation that calls for the responsible disposal of five Utah Congressmen “deemed to serve no purpose for taxpayers.”

Dubbed the “Beehive Five,” the list includes Senators Orrin Hatch and “National Monument Mike” Lee; U.S. Representatives Rob Bishop and Jason #djjazzyjasoninthehouse Chaffetz; and Utah State Representative Ken “not-so-ebony” Ivory, who spearheaded this whole mess at the state level with HB 148 back in 2012.

Bill HR 666, the Disposal of Excess Federal Assholes Act, will not technically remove any of the men from office, but calls for each of them to serve out the remainder of his term as the lone law enforcement officer on one of the remote federal parcels they wish to sell. “We believe this aspect of the bill provides two important services to the American taxpayer,” says bill co-sponsor Maria Cantwell (D-WA). “First, it offers these men the opportunity to better understand and appreciate the true value of these lands, especially being stationed with nothing but a sleeping bag and S’mores—their only allowed provisions. Secondly, it will fill the obvious law-enforcement void left behind should Congress tragically pass HR 622, the still-pending legislation many of you know by its more common name, ‘Chaffetz’s other bullshit bill.'”

Yesterday, Beehive Five ringleader and unhappy-hound owner Jason Chaffetz withdrew HR 621, his grandstanding, constituency-appeasing public lands sell-off bill. While countless fishermen, hikers, hunters, and a 19-year-old mushroom-picker named Moonjava all applauded the withdrawal, many expressed skepticism. “I trust that guy ’bout as far as I could throw a potater chip,” says camo-clad Buck Chandler, who attended the anti-bill rally in Helena, Montana. “But I’d still invite him to join me for a hunt on whatever beautiful backwater he gets sent to. I might even ask Dick Cheney to join us.”