It takes Egan Quinn all of 5 seconds to come up with the name of a friend who is obsessing over a bad relationship.

"Oh, God!" says Quinn, 22, of Traverse City, Mich., chuckling sympathetically as he launches into a classic tale of romantic woe, complete with empty threats, pointless fights and strong feelings that simply aren't reciprocated.

The twist: This time, it's the guy, not the girl, who has checked into the "heartbreak hotel."

"We tell him to get over it," says Quinn. "The girl obviously doesn't like him."

According to a recent study of unmarried adults ages 18 to 23, young men experience more emotional distress when their romantic relationships are going badly than young women — a finding that runs counter to conventional wisdom, but that accurately reflects the experiences of several 20-somethings we talked to.

"The stereotype is the guy breaks the woman's heart, but in reality it doesn't happen that way," says Jeff Burdick, 28, a graduate student from Syracuse, N.Y. "I think of myself: I had a relationship end, and I was heartbroken for the longest time."

The study of more than 1,000 young, unmarried adults in Florida, published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, found that young women's mental health was more closely tied to their relationship status — whether they were in romantic relationships or had experienced recent breakups. But young single men's mental health was more closely tied to the quality of their ongoing romantic relationships.

Men not only suffered significantly more stress during relationship problems; they appeared to get greater emotional benefits from the relationships that were going well.

"Men come off as more vulnerable" to issues in their romantic relationships, says Robin Simon, a sociology professor at Wake Forest University who co-authored the study.

One possible explanation is that young men are less prepared for these relationships than young women, Simon says.

"Females are socialized from birth that romantic relationships are really important and they talk to their girlfriends about them, their parents inculcate a sensitivity to them, (and) all the print magazines that young girls and women (read) pay attention" to them, she says.

Young women also tend to have more close social ties, says Simon, which means they are more likely to have supportive people to talk to.

Pamela Barrientos, a college junior from Red Wing, Minn., is among those who say that Simon is on to something.

"I think men get really upset and they get really insecure (about relationships)," she says. "If you have the type of relationship where they're willing to open up about it, you do see that insecurity. But otherwise, they put up a wall and they don't show anyone how they're feeling."

nschoenberg@tribune.com

How to help

The first step in helping a young man going through romantic turmoil is to let him know it's OK to be in pain, says A.R. Bob Maslow, author of "Men, Women and the Power of Empathy" (iUniverse, $15.95). "When it's not OK to feel that pain, there's a pain on top of the pain, which is, 'I shouldn't be feeling that pain. I shouldn't be that vulnerable. There's something wrong with me,'" Maslow says.

Young men may also benefit from some key relationship principles, Maslow says:

Don't judge: It's OK to be angry when your date is late, and to say: "You're an hour late and I'm ticked off." It's not fine to tack on a hurtful judgment such as "You're such a self-centered so-and-so."

Don't problem-solve: Learn to listen instead. Often, your date wants to be heard, not stage-directed.

Don't obsess about who's right: Maslow often asks men, "Do you want to be right? Or do you want your relationship?"

— N.S.