I bet you think you know where I’m going with this. You think I’m going to trash this product and talk about how dumb it is. You think I’m going to be a total jerk and tear it apart because I have a bitter, negative demeanor which is going to cause me to die alone and spend my late adult life in the Petco sale aisle.

You know what? You’re right. This is ridiculously stupid. Not because it’s not always a great time to enjoy bacon. I get the impulse to enjoy the taste of bacon at every turn. Bacon is pretty much the best tasting thing there is. Sorry Cow Tails. Bacon wins. There are times when I’ll be eating Canadian bacon and I’ll wish it tasted more like bacon bacon.

This is just making me wonder how bad a vagina must taste for someone to think this was going to crush it out there in the lube market. Are guys really that hard up to make vaginas palatable? I mean, it’s a vagina, not iHop. Lower your expectations already.

I’m not saying vaginas taste like funnel cake or anything. I know that much. I know my vagina isn’t going to win Top Chef, but guys, is it so bad that the synthetic cherry, strawberry, and grape just isn’t enough? I mean, can’t you chew a stick of gum or something? OOH! Idea. What if someone started making vagina flavored gum to get you guys used to the taste so you weren’t such a pansy about it to the point of needing to make vaginas taste like fucking bacon? Skymall, get on it. Hop to.

The real issue here is that if you use this product, a vagina isn’t going to taste like bacon. It’s going to taste like a bacon infused vagina. That’s just math. Some things just don’t go together. Like peanut butter is great. GREAT. Mayonnaise is great. Peanut butter and mayonnaise together? Total disaster. Two amazingly delicious things aren’t good together, so imagine what a delicious thing and not-so-delicious thing is going to yield. Sadness. Sarah Jessica Parker and Robert Downey Jr. didn’t work out as a couple, okay? I think I’ve made my point.

Sorry. I’m trying to make this short. I know I get insane. Folks. I care about you. I care about your oral sex lives and ladies, I care about your vaginas and the random things people are trying to smear on them. And this fried pork vagina sauce has me in a fucking tizzy.

Does it really taste like bacon? Or is it more of a weird plastic, chemical-y salty grossness? I mean, if this really tastes like actual bacon, I’d probably turn gay and spend the rest of my life at Lilith Fair.

Sigh.

Honest confession? I don’t want the bar set too high for the flavor of my vagina. I don’t want to date a guy after he’s dated some girl who is getting all cute lathering up with bacon flavor making her vagina all delicious. I can’t follow that. Ladies, let’s all get on the same team here please.