As a neuroscientist, I am fascinated by infatuation; it's such a strong, mysterious phenomenon, yet is entirely scientifically-explainable.

Infatuation is like a game of chess; it will eventually end. Photo by LOGAN WEAVER on Unsplash

Infatuation: A Dopamine Rollercoaster (That Can Be Overcome)

Some of us are prone to infatuation. We encounter someone 'special' who we click with emotionally and spiritually, and we find ourselves falling for them in an infuriatingly intractable manner.

Infatuation, often referred to as limerence, is a wildly turbulent experience that subjects us to a plethora of positive and negative emotions. Mainly, it causes us to obsess over the object of our adoration and focus on their 'heavenly' looks and traits. When we cannot be with this person, the infatuated state is agonizingly painful and must be overcome so that it does not impinge on all other aspects of our lives.

Due to the brain chemicals implicated in attraction (namely dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin), the experience of infatuation is very illusory and unstable. It feels enchanting one minute, and then horrendously depressive the next.

How Can I Shake My Limerence?

You can certainly free yourself from these feelings but will need to be proactive in your recovery and resist the desire to constantly lament over this individual. The following steps will undoubtedly help you if you are infatuated with someone and looking to reclaim your life and happiness.

1. Draw an Ugly Photo of Them

Infatuation may feel deliciously spiritual and like you've met your 'soulmate', but the truth is much less whimsical; your infatuation is mainly driven by strong an attraction. Regardless of your orientation/preference, our biological wiring and brain pathways draw us to people who are physically desirable to us.

Since you are thinking about this person a lot, it is likely that you have mentally turned them into a mysterious, beautiful demigod. It will be impossible to get over your feelings if you are constantly visualizing your crush as a stunningly attractive being.

Visualize Them How You Wish You Saw Them

You need to bring yourself back to reality by picturing them at their worst. If you have them on Facebook, draw an even more caricatured version of the least attractive photo that you can find on their profile. Think back to the time that you saw them after a heavy night out, or the time that they showed up to a party in a bizarre outfit with horrendously dyed hair, and sketch a little cartoon for yourself to look at.

This may seem immature and facetious, but it will help your brain rewire itself and picture them as someone

more real and less desirable,

both of which you want when you're caught up in an obsessive infatuation. This really works and can put a fun spin on the healing process. It will also reconnect you with your inner wit.

Sometimes finding what's wrong with a person is exactly the right thing to do. Sarah Bahbah's beautiful art

2. The Game-Changer: Laugh at Their Flaws

When infatuated, we often romanticize absolutely everything about our crush. We rarely laugh at their negative traits/features; instead, we find poignant meaning and seriousness in everything they do and say. This is because, to the brain, there is not much difference between having a crush and having a partner. You are so smitten that your brain is operating as if you were with them.

It's possible to trick your brain out of this illusory, dopamine-charged circuit. If you can relate to the above, you will find this tip unbelievably useful: you must find humor in a lot of what your crush does, and think about them in an almost cruel way. I can guarantee you that doing this regularly will help you break out of infatuation quickly.

Finding Humor in Your Crush's Behavior

I am not advocating for any type of real-life bullying; it can all take place in your own head. When he posts a picture of himself going to the gym, instead of thinking "he is so physically fit, attractive and amazing", reject those thoughts and instead think "there Mr. Fitness Boy goes again, unable to get over his own vanity . . . what a loser!". Laugh at how he probably took 300 selfies before choosing one to post. Smirk at the fact that he queues up in pro-health cafes to buy his overpriced vegetable juices. He's a normal, insecure human like you, not someone who should be worshipped.

If you find out that she's into partying, instead of admiring her wild streak and glamorizing her even more, turn her into a bit of a joke by thinking "she is a drunken mess, even worse than I was when I discovered alcohol in my teens. How pitiful." Think about how she probably drinks vodka and dances to 90s pop with her female friends, until one of them inevitably bursts into tears and ruins the evening. You get the drift!

3. Give Them a Silly Nickname

Many psychologists advise against creating a mental 'character' based on someone you're infatuated with since it can perpetuate the obsession. However, it can be very useful to supplement the humor method (explained in my above tip) with a fittingly ridiculous nickname. Naturally, it must be based on real features or traits that they possess, as this will slightly alter the way that your brain perceives them and help you become less infatuated.

What Do I Mean by Silly Nickname?

If you are obsessed with someone who happens to love wearing cargo shorts, start mentally referring to them as the person with 'more pockets than creative thoughts.' If you are smitten with a girl who is rather hippyish, think of her as 'tunnel vision earth-lover'. Of course, this trick can only be sustained with a suitable dose of humor and creativity, but is a useful tool if employed correctly.

Sometimes someone making you feel 'different' isn't such a good thing. Sarah Bahbah's beautiful art

4. Eat Healthy Carbohydrates

When you're infatuated, your brain's natural chemicals (neurotransmitters) are out of whack, resulting in an unhealthy level of obsession and fixation. It has been found that serotonin levels are particularly low in this state, mimicking those of an OCD sufferer.

To help yourself fixate less on this 'delightful person' who you're convinced is the only thing worth living for, you need to increase your serotonin levels. This will help you leave behind the irrational elements of limerence (e.g. the depressing thoughts and the urge to check on their social media accounts 30 times a day).

One way to do this is to take 5HTP, a popular serotonin-precursor designed to promote good sleep and feelings of contentedness. However, many people do not like to take supplements.

An ideal way to naturally increase serotonin is to eat something sugary. Refined sugar can cause a 'crash' on its own and is inflammatory, so it should not be consumed regularly, but it will not harm you if eaten occasionally to help you through this rough life chapter. Ideally, wholesome carbohydrate-containing foods such as sweet potato, brown rice and lentils should be consumed on a daily basis to keep your blood sugar and serotonin levels optimal.

Your obsession may be the only person who occupies your mind. Sarah Bahbah's photography

5. Read Books That Expand Your Mind

Anyone who is prone to the complex emotional cocktail that underpins infatuation has an inquisitive and intelligent brain. You are temporarily trapped in an illogical state, but allowing interesting ideas to wash over your mind will do wonders at challenging limiting beliefs that you hold in your subconscious. Reading is a lot like having a healing conversation with someone. Here are two books that will dramatically help the mental state of anyone possessing the limerence-prone mentality.

1. The Limerent Mind: How to Permanently Beat Limerence and Shine: I spent years trying to find a 'bible' for you infatuation-prone folk, but many books disappointed me with wishy-washy psychology rooted in conjectures, rather than neuroscience, and left me set on writing my own one! This book consists of a full breakdown of limerence/infatuation from neuroscientific, psychological and spiritual perspectives and all of the steps required to become permanently immune. This is a promise - heed all the advice in this book, and you will never experience unrequited love again.

2. Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov: While this is a controversial novel, I believe that it is a must-read and an immense reality check for those struggling to accept that they aren't "meant to be" with the person they are obsessed with. The depictions of the central character's strong feelings towards Lolita leave the reader uncomfortable, due to the age difference and power imbalance. We feel immense anger towards him, but also pity him and the delusional infatuation state he is trapped in. Though your own predicament will be nowhere near as bad as his, you will benefit greatly from seeing just how derailing and dangerous romantic can be. This will spur you towards treating your state as an illness and freeing yourself, rather than romanticizing the 'intensity of your love'.

6. Bring the Infatuation Back to Reality: Talk to Them

Infatuation is made much, much worse when you are not seeing and dealing with your crush in real life. It's very likely that you've created a fantasy version of this person, subconsciously embellishing all their positive traits and ignoring their negative ones. While my above tricks will work to rewire your brain and psychologically aid you in overcoming a tricky obsession, you also need to take some physical steps towards regaining control of your happiness.

You must try and engage with your crush in real life. This concept is supported by neuroscience; there is nothing like real-life exposure when it comes to getting over an infatuation, as it forms new brain pathways that are completely separate to the horribly obsessive ones that you've been cultivating for months.

You may feel that you've fallen intractably hard and that you're completely lost in this unrequited love affair, but you'd be surprised at how quickly you could get over this person if you shifted everything 'back towards reality'.

Dreaming about them in your room will only cause you to float further and further away from any semblance of truth, while interacting with them in person will effectively show you that they are a real person with flaws.

This may seem like cliché, generic advice, but it is given out by psychologists and counselors for a reason: it does work, and it takes away the pain quickly.

7. Avoid Associating Them With Music/Partying/Deep Convos/Fun

When extremely infatuated, it is imperative that you try and have as many face-to-face conversations with them, while sober, in all sorts of moods — when you're bored, stressed, tired or irritated.

The common pitfall is to only engage with your 'special person' while intoxicated at parties. This is no good, as your brain will only associate this person with frivolous, inebriated happiness and inhibition. It also means that you're much more likely to have deep, meaningful conversations with them, which won't help you get over them.

Therefore, you must learn to associate them with all of your different moods and feelings, most of which will be negative or neutral in your sober, day-to-day life. Remember, we always want this kept in reality! Life isn't all about deep, spiritual conversations, pretty outfits and strobe lights.

Socializing with your crush exclusively at night will not accurately reflect how you feel about them, or how they would contribute to your actual life. The trick is to make sure that you associate your crush with all of these lonely/sad/boring times, as this will lead to a more realistic judgment of them and, consequently, less obsession.

Matcha is consumed in ceremonies in Japan, due to its ability to induce an alpha-wave-based flow state. Photo by Sarah Gualtieri on Unsplash

8. Manage Obsessive Thoughts With L-Theanine

I urge you all to quit coffee if you are trapped in a phase of emotional instability, as the highs and lows that it introduces to your life will aggravate any existential thoughts that relate to romance. However, quitting caffeine cold turkey is difficult and can temporarily worsen depression and negatively affect productivity. For this reason, I recommend opting for a milder source of caffeine, the healthiest and most brain-healing being matcha green tea.

Why Matcha Green Tea?

While studying neuroscience, my eyes were opened to the intricate ways that the substances we ingest affect our perception of reality. Matcha is rich in the amino acid L-Theanine, which has a potent stabilizing and mood-lifting effect on the nervous system through gently increasing GABA, serotonin and dopamine levels.

I drink this brand daily, which is cheap, gorgeous and velvety (hint: the mint version is delicious). It completely eradicates any intrusive thoughts and depressive, romantic longing that I am experiencing, and has helped me reach a state of objectivity and peace in some of my toughest life chapters.

Despite containing caffeine, matcha (as with all other forms of green tea) is only mildly stimulating due to the way that caffeine and L-Theanine work in synergy. The latter mellows out the caffeine high and prevents the low serotonin levels that follow coffee consumption, meaning that you do not 'crash' nor do you experience anxiety.

Please do break free from drinking multiple coffees a day, and realize that a lot of scientific papers promoting coffee consumption are funded and untrustworthy. The truth is that milder sources of caffeine that offer anti-inflammatory health benefits are the way forward!

9. Accept That Most People Don't Get What They Want

When infatuated, it's very easy to believe that this person is 'meant for you' and that life is doing you a huge injustice by not letting you be with them. This can take you down the path of thinking selfishly and believing that you deserve them and a mutual romantic connection, almost as if they were an object.

A harsh truth in life is that sometimes things feel inexplicably right for us but we have to kiss goodbye to the possibility of getting them. It doesn't matter how stunning this person looks or how captivating their mind is to you — your connection with them (if there even is one) clearly isn't turning into a relationship. You have to move on from this and start to live for yourself again, setting goals and keeping busy.

You may struggle to accept this and feel aggrieved as if this pain is unique to you. Looking around, it might seem like everyone else is happily dating someone and you may jealously wonder if they feel this intensely, painfully and strongly about their partner. Worry not, because they probably don't (even if they once did); feelings of infatuation fizzle out quickly, and often they aren't there in the first place.

Some people don't look for infatuation and fall into relationships with people who simply make them feel comfortable. Perhaps they have felt limerence before and now know it never lasts, or perhaps they have never fallen passionately in love with someone before so couldn't even comprehend how you feel. Either way, they aren't living out your wildest dreams, so stop feeling envious and as if you're entitled to be with this person; it's not a 'human right' to date someone who makes you feel this height of emotion.

So, next time you're filled with envy after seeing people content in their relationships, remember that they're not experiencing the crazy, titillating dopamine rush that you're experiencing. Most people aren't, because infatuation is rare, short-lived and illusory — let that console you a little.

Taking a picture of your crush may last longer, but please refrain. Photo by JJ Jordan on Unsplash

10. Seek Closure: Don't Revel In the Highs of Infatuation

We can all relate to experiencing the lows of infatuation; abject misery and sadness are typically what sends us to the internet, searching for the cure to a broken heart. It is in these moments that we look at ourselves and realize that we're irrationally addicted to someone and need to move on. However, it's very easy to let yourself feel some of the highs of infatuation, without realizing that the highs are equally neuroatypical and dangerous. In fact, if you're experiencing the highs intensely, and you're letting yourself treasure pleasant thoughts revolving around this person, you're far from recovery.

Why? There's a duality to infatuation: You're in the throes of it not only when rejection/an inability to be with that person makes you depressed, but also when the thought of them makes you incomprehensibly happy. In order to truly overcome infatuation, you need to deflect the positive thoughts in addition to the negative ones. Allowing yourself to be inundated by the ups of romance will mean that you inevitably crash down, experiencing the opposite of those sky-high feelings, and you've learnt that you cannot handle the lows.

You need to get good at identifying ALL infatuation-based thoughts as

unhelpful to your recovery and completely illusory, even if they make you feel lighter and more ecstatic than anything has before.

The negative thoughts hurt us and are the most problematic, but the positive thoughts allow you to slip further into romantic feelings and ideation.

Infatuation is a dance in uncertainty; if you are feeling the highs at all, the limbic, animalistic part of your brain will keep chasing those highs because it wants to make you feel good. It wants you to be productive and happy day-to-day, so that you can fight off illnesses, gather food and care for your family. Just as it makes you crave chocolate when you're stressed, your inner indulger presents you with delightful thoughts about your object of limerence when you're bored/unhappy. If you let these thoughts occupy a place of prominence in your mind, it will continue to do so because its tactic will have worked.

See such thoughts for what they are, which is your brain making its own fun. Don't let yourself grip onto them or be the basis of daily delve into the realm of fantasy. Sure, this person may have liked your profile picture, but that means nothing. It shouldn't be giving you a buzz that lasts for hours. If you cannot separate yourself from the illusion of limerence and find the highs impossible to dampen, remove yourself from social media. Be a little rude to this person in real life, so that they won't be too kind to you and give you hope/dopamine kick.

Do whatever you need to do to get better; you're unwell, and they're not. Read about the relationship between OCD and limerence here.

Right now, you must focus on living in the present and on doing the little things that move you towards healing. Photo by Les Anderson on Unsplash

11. Find Peace in This: Their Silence Is Really Rejection

I am returning to this article to add the final, and potentially most important, point. It appears that a propensity to obsession, depressive states and anxiety are all implicated in infatuation/limerence, but these states cannot exist without uncertainty.

Most of us who experience limerence are relatively introspective, dreamy and often spiritually-inclined. The way that we experience romance is intense; when infatuation is unrequited or impossible we typically feel like we're losing a soulmate and missing out on a truly authentic existence.

Right now, you probably feel that you've been shown a wonderful, exciting dreamlike world that has been taken away from you. The pull that you feel towards this person is colossal, and due to shared values and beliefs, it may seem like cosmic madness that you two are not together and something totally, spiritually wrong.

This has always been the way that I have experienced limerence. As someone prone to spiritual thinking and magical ideation, I always struggled to overcome the notion that I would be settling for life if I didn't end up with that person, and that the powers of the universe wanted us to be together.

The best way to counter this illogicality and find peace is to realize that this person has seen your soul, and has still decided that they don't want to be with you. They have spent time around you and, consciously and subconsciously, have formed a clear opinion of you through not only your behavior but also your aura. There's nothing more that you can do and there's no real uncertainty.

You might argue that they don't know you yet, convinced that if only you could have shown them your intelligence, your softer sides, etc., that they'd have loved you back. You might be thinking "my situation is unique — they do like me, but they don't want to be with me". However, they aren't feeling the same way towards you, and nothing that you could possibly do will make them return your incredibly strong, unstable feelings.

Perhaps I won't be able to convince you otherwise, but I can guarantee you that you will look back in years, see this situation objectively and understand what I mean. Even if this person gives you mixed signals and is hot and cold, that behavior alone is enough proof that they don't truly want you. If they did, they would make it known. They wouldn't occasionally ignore your messages for weeks, they wouldn't snap at you and seem bored of conversation at times and they wouldn't date other people and tell you about it. It's horrible to face the truth, but this person isn't interested, at least not in a way that matters.

They may be attracted to you, which is a recurring trope in infatuation . . . do they sometimes seem to meet your eyes with a glimmer and seem interested? If so, that is still irrelevant — they don't love your mind like you love theirs and they never will. They aren't trying to be a part of your life.

When in limerence, it's so very easy to enjoy dancing in the uncertainty. After all, doing so gives you access to the highs. We're addicted to the euphoria that this state lets us swim in, all of us — you might deny it, but a small part of you knows that you would get better if you truly treated this as a drug addiction. If you cut all contact and ignored the good traits of this person, it'd fade, and you know it. You just don't want to let go of the hope that you'll end up with them, and the blissful feelings associated with that.

Realign Yourself With Reality

But, since this is disrupting your life, it's time to do just that and to focus on obtaining closure. How? Realign yourself with reality; take their silence as rejection, because that is what it is. Take their short replies, distant smiles and their dates with other people as rejection, not as uncertainty. Are they asking you about your childhood, trying to separate you from a group of people (e.g. trying to organize coffee/drinks/anything), or sharing secret details with you?

If not, take that as rejection. It'll shatter you initially, but then you'll stand up, pick up your pieces and will move on from them in a matter of weeks/months, I promise you that. Once the fantasy is out the window and you're focusing on the way that this person actually treats you/prioritizes other people, infatuation just won't be sustained and you'll recover.

It goes without saying that if someone wants to look into your soul, go on adventures and create long-lasting memories with you, you'll know. Keep living authentically, find happiness in being alone and the right people will come along who will be begging to stay in your life. You can't have a soul who isn't meant for you, nor can you make them want you. Stop lying to yourself, stop settling for uncertainty and let yourself see the truth.

This content is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for formal and individualized diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed medical professional. Do not stop or alter your current course of treatment. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.

Questions & Answers

Question: I need to delete the feelings for someone I don’t know. I don't like him. But I need to get over him. He wasn't my boyfriend, I just want to get over him and move on with my life. Its been like 5-6 months with my infatuation and I’m so emotionally tired. Help me, please. What should I do to forget him?

Answer: Force yourself to make a list of goals that will better you as a person (socially/career-wise/fitness-wise). While it'll feel like unpaid, tedious work when you're infatuated, make yourself go about the motions of reaching those goals.

This will quite literally rewire your brain and, in the next few months, you will reach a point where you no longer have to fake interest in these hobbies/goals. They will become genuinely interesting to you, and your feelings towards this guy will lessen and lessen until he no longer seems fascinating at all.

Question: I feel infatuated? What should I do? No texts, no phone calls, I want to move on with my life. Maybe he is married or he doesn't even remember me. And I need to get rid of these feelings as soon as possible. Help me with how to cope with this. Maybe it was love at first sight or I don't know what. But actually, I don't even like him. I refused him and he behaved like a total jerk. He said you are ugly and stupid.

Answer: You can and will recover from this - you need to just keep on living, embracing real life and distracting yourself from thoughts about him. Every time your thoughts wander towards thinking things like "if only i was his girlfriend..", FORCE yourself to do something else. This, and time, will help you.

Question: Can infatuation be worked through by having sex? I know this sounds a little extreme, but I really would like to know if it works.

Answer: Yes, in theory, sex with someone else that you are attracted to could help you overcome infatuation more quickly.

Question: I have a boyfriend. I’ve been hanging out with his friends, and have developed an infatuation situation. I know I don’t love this person - I love my boyfriend with all my heart. Could my body be mistaking a great friendship as something more?

Answer: It sounds like you are in a happy, committed relationship and truly in love with your boyfriend. However, you may still be infatuated. Take some time to be introspective and understand your situation - how do you feel towards this person? You say you might just be mistaking friendship for something more, but it’ll be obvious over time whether or not you are attracted to them. Is the idea of kissing them wrong and uncomfortable or would it feel right? Or, are you prone to latching onto new friends in the hope that you’ll be accepted into an exciting new social circle?

Without these details and more information, I can’t tell you whether you’re simply enthused to have a new friend (and temporarily obsessed) OR you’re developing strong feelings for your boyfriend’s friend. Time will tell!

Question: How do I confess my feelings in front of a girl?

Answer: Confessing your feelings to someone can be daunting, especially if you're risking a friendship or uncertain that they feel the same way. I would recommend that you first try and gauge whether she likes you - if she holds eye contact, if she mimics your slang and body language and if she smiles when she looks at you, you have a chance. When it comes to actually confessing your feelings to her, I'd recommend keeping it as casual as possible, while also being meaningful. Don't make it seem like you're proposing to her, in case you get rejected, but also don't turn the whole situation into a joke out of nerves.

Question: I have been infatuated with a guy for four months. I don't want to see him, but I’ve met him three times. I think he is horrible and I just want to get him out of my mind and heart. What should I do?

Answer: Relief will come with time, I promise you that. Infatuation is set on a timer, and can't and won't exist for longer than about 8 months (max!!) UNLESS you are doing nothing to help yourself.

It seems that you're tackling this well. If you're actively reminding yourself that he is a normal person like yourself, and actually 'horrible' as you've said, you will definitely stop feeling this way about him soon. The trick is to avoid idolizing people and going round in circles of 'he's amazing/beautiful'.

Question: I’ve met someone at work I like, who is a senior manager. We get on and have lots in common. A few months ago, I noticed her looking at me, and ever since haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. I’ve noticed her looking at me a lot on and off. I can’t get her out of my mind. Dating is difficult because we work together, and until recently I’ve been in a relationship. I think I’ve just heard she’s met someone. What should I do?

Answer: I don’t think you should leave your job, if you enjoy it and are performing well. It might be incredibly hard for you to hear that the object of your infatuation is dating someone else, but I promise you that this feeling will pass. In a few months, you won’t be infatuated with this woman anymore. You might still find her attractive, sure, but the jealousy, intense desire, and pain will no longer be anything you can relate to.

Therefore, leaving your job due to temporary infatuation-induced feelings would not be very salacious at all. Without sounding offensive, I think there’s a huge chance you’ll feel regretful and silly in a year if you decide to quit your job over this. It is completely real and difficult at the moment, but is SO temporary.

Question: I've been infatuated with an online friend for two months now. He is a precious friend of mine, but I can't continue our friendship when these intense feelings exist within me. I've asked for space between us recently, but I can't seem to get him off my mind. How do I stop feeling so lonely and insecure?

Answer: As time passes, the infatuation will end, but you need to be focusing on yourself and raising your self-esteem if you want to avoid future infatuations. Starting to exercise regularly can be immensely effective in helping to rewire your brain away from obsession and insecurity.

Also, even if you have chatted with this person over Skype and seen his face, an online friendship isn’t quite the same as an organic, face-to-face one. They can be genuine, for sure, but they will always be slightly different from other friendships. Due to the nature of online communication, you won’t be seeing him when he’s at his worst (in a bad mood, depressed, etc.). It’s very possible that this is accentuating your idolization of him and, hence, perpetuating the infatuation.

Question: I've been in a relationship with my live-in partner for almost 5 years and I know I'm in love with him and I'm happy. But I'm infatuated with this other person who I feel I really admire. I sometimes dream about him. Is it possible to be in love with one person and infatuated with another at the same time?

Answer: Yes, absolutely; people in long-term relationships sometimes deal with infatuations with and crushes on other people. However, if you are truly in love and logically know that your partner is an ideal match for you, you would be silly to throw away what you have and pursue someone new and 'exciting'. They will likely eventually become more 'dull' than your existing partner when the honeymoon chemicals wear off.

© 2017 Lucy

Daria Mason on September 07, 2020:

Thank you for this article!

I have a situation that I’m trying to get over... So I’ve met this guy twice in person through a mutual friend. I didn’t think much of him. He was quiet, observant, extremely sarcastic & monotone. Towards the end of the night, we had a brief conversation about art/ film and I heard the passion in his voice for the first time. His demeanor changed. As an artist myself, that drew me to him & I became fascinated. He followed me on social media & would actually view all my stories, like my pics, etc. I was in the process of getting over someone else so I didn’t directly contact him back then... but a couple months later, after I healed, I found the courage to message him. The conversation was ok & I made a commitment to contact him every other week. Our conversations got deeper and deeper with time & we’d talk about our passions, how we started in our crafts, the times we’re living in (coronavirus, etc). We seemed to be on the same page & he reciprocated my desire to talk. He kept the conversations going & I’d get lengthy responses. The more I talked to him, the more I felt we’d be a good match. Fast forward to 3 months after initially texting him, now our mutual friend is shipping us to be together & things are moving along well. I asked him for his phone number & we arranged to talk on the phone for the first time. The more I texted him; the more I liked him. I saw him as a hell of a catch; intelligent, passionate, self motivated, desire to want to work on himself, financially stable, level headed, validating, respectful man... We got on the phone & spoke for 4 hours. It went great. Two weeks later, I asked to talk again & we stayed on the phone for 12 hours (8 hours being on FaceTime). We got vulnerable & I told him I liked him. The feelings were mutual and he said he wants a relationship with me! For the next two weeks, I was on a high. He would text me first, flirt with me, & we’d have fun light-hearted conversations. Then, it changed suddenly. I had a rough week where I lost a close friend due to drama & I turned to confide in the guy I was seeing. He gave me insightful advice & expresses my feelings on the issue. Then, a couple days later, I still wasn’t over it so I was honest & told him it was still bothering me. He comforted me again & we moved on to talk about other things. I decided to break out of my shell a little & tell him that I’m “afraid” of relationships. His energy completely changed via text & he questioned me. I’ve never been in a legit relationship yet (I’m 22) & I’ve never found mutual attraction in addition to a man who actually wants to pursue a commitment to me. I tried to explain to him that I’m afraid because this is new to me & that I want to do my best to make things work.... but instead he got more aggressive on me. I asked to get on the phone to sort things out & when he called me, he just seemed angry & was confrontational. He nitpicked all this stuff that he doesn’t like about me & made assumptions about the person I am. He wouldn’t let me defend myself & took advantage of my loss for words. After picking at me for an hour, he told me that it’s actually all him and not me. He said he’s not ready for another relationship, he wants to be alone for now, & that maybe he talked to me out of loneliness. It’s been about 6 weeks since this & I still feel devastated. I don’t understand why this happened & why he’d be so harsh to me. I wrote him a letter defending myself and got no response. He won’t engage with my social media anymore. I still think about the plans we were trying to make for after covid times. It really hurts. I’m still intrigued by him & I have a fear that I’m not going to find someone with all the qualities he had. I see the negative qualities in him, but I still see him like “ oh my gosh... he’s flawless. Does he even do a, b, c ? He’s in my head 24/7 & I feel like I took a huge loss. I felt like he was out of league from the beginning. I don’t know how to get over him.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on August 30, 2020:

It is always necessary to consider the cost-benefit ratio when in a situation of this nature. Most people would tell you to simply stay away from your girlfriend’s sister, and I would agree - few people are capable of dealing with the emotional fallout of such a controversial move (and, remember, you’d most likely have to avoid this girl’s entire family despite dating her).

However, I can’t judge you or give you absolutist advice because I do not know you. If there are real nuances to this situation and you feel that you and her sister connect on phenomenal mental and spiritual level, then I can’t tell you to what to do - you have to weigh up the pros and cons of dealing with this while staying with her sister vs being with her sister, and make a wise and brave choice.

I feel that you will inevitably come to the ‘better’ of the two decisions regardless, and choose to treat this as an infatuation to get rid of. To detach from. This can easily be done once you reframe the situation and chance your concept of self.

And, of course, when you tackle the root psychological causes of this ‘love’ ... why this girl is so attractive to you? She’s out of reach, sure, but why and how has this got you so addicted?

How do you feel around this woman, compared to with your girlfriend? What conversations or activities could you engage in with your *girlfriend* to bridge this gap... to try and feel more of these emotions with her, rather than with her sister?

While drunk on infatuation, we feel that this ‘reframing’ cannot be done - that this person is ‘obviously the most exciting person ever’. But, I can promise you that many people aren’t attracted to her like you are - she might be great, but isn’t a goddess that has this power over EVERYONE.

Soon, the limerent feelings will die out, and the sister will seem like a ‘normal’ woman to you. Why not try and accelerate this process by rewiring your subconscious mind now?

Best of luck!

Ernesto Sanchez jr on August 29, 2020:

I love my girlfriend but deep inside i want her sister i don't what to do my girl friend of 8 year see this i say she crazy or she trippen but shes not i dont want to lose my girl over something that will never happen a gain

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on August 23, 2020:

Hello @Someone, I can confirm that you're all anonymous - feel free to share whatever you want! This is a judgement-free zone.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on July 20, 2020:

Hi, I am sorry that are suffering so much - unrequited infatuation/limerence is potentially the most painful psychological phenomenon out there. However, suicide is far from your only option - you may not be able to envision a future that isn't controlled by these feelings, but targeting the root psychological causes of this infatuation will cure you.

Yes, I can promise you that - in a matter of weeks, you will no longer respond to this man at all. He will dissolve into the background, because you will have dealt with your psychological wounding and unmet needs. You see, right now, he is ONLY resonating with you in this intense, 'magical' way because his personality (and the fact that this love is 'impossible') complements your psychological issues.

What we need to do is treat these problems and permanently alter your belief systems regarding yourself, the world and what you deserve from romance - this will render you incompatible with unrequited love, and you will step into a new reality where you do NOT attract or wish to entertain it. Hypnotherapy can be useful, but the most meaningful work is done alone, after educating yourself.

For much more informative articles, head over to www.neurosparkle.com - this particular article is old, and simplified so as to be available to everyone, as you've picked up on. I still completely stand by these hacks as ways to rewire your brain, but my website content is better.

I have also just released my book 'The Limerent Mind', which involves a complete analysis of what limerence is and the precise steps that will free you.

Feel free to check it out on my site if you fancy, and don't hesitate to get in touch if you have further queries.

Eleshar11 on July 20, 2020:

First of all I just want to Thank you so much for this article! I feel like crying because I’ve found something that relates and understanding the hell on Earth experience this mind f**k brings.

Im not going to go too deep into my situation and all the details of how it all manifested because I’ve decided that it’s all irrelevant anyways, and my focus shouldn’t be on “what was”, but what I need to do going forward.

I believe that the attraction was genuinely mutual but circumstances “got in the way”, and now 6 years later..I’m still trying to get over this guy. I know I’ve been infactuated in the past and gone through phases of obsessions but this feels different because it’s not just a stranger that just smiled at me in the street on a couple of occasions. He is someone that I genuinely connected to, “clicked” with etc. And every time I see him in a “uncontrolled” environment i am overwhelmed with anxiety that I have to pretend I’ve not seen him to avoid any type of interaction. He has picked up on this and commented on my inability to see someone “waving in the street” but I just played it off. I’ve not given any cues off that I like him (actually purposely tried to show disinterest in any romatic relationship), even though I believe energy dosnt lie.

But it’s gotten to a point where I feel like I’m going insane and I’ll be honest, I’ve felt like suicide is the only cure. I don’t want to hurt anyone which is why I’ve not confessed my feelings in the first bloody place (it’s my s/o close friend, so I know suicide would bring so much more pain to my loved ones. But I’m sick to death of the mental torture this has brought. I don’t feel comfortable “finding a unflattering picture” of the guy or drawing a bad picture because 1. I don’t like the thought of forcing myself to mock or ridicule someone’s appearance or personality (I’m extremely sensitive and insecure myself so I would feel like a bad person or a bully even if it was all just in my own mind) and 2. I can’t bring myself to see a photo of him because it just brings up so many emotions and feelings.

Can hypnotherapy help with this sort of stuff?

I understand how exposure could help but he has distanced himself from the “social group” which was the only way I could interact with him through. It’s just hell because I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world and have been in such a mess. I’ve tried taking “plant medicines” to try and connect with my higher self and talk it through. It’s great at the time because I’m just telling myself I need to move on and everything happens for a reason and it’s all part of the human experience to feel these things etc etc. But when I’m sober it’s easier said then done, and in reality, he has fully taken over my mind and I’m struggling to function and I literally can’t live the rest of my life like this.

DPereira on July 13, 2020:

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your article and useful tips.

As someone who finds neuroscience/human behaviour fascinating and has frequently dealt with infatuation, what has worked out for me has been asking a lot of questions and to speak my mind. The illusionary aspect of infatuation is easily broken down when we speak up as opposed to only thinking about it.

I don’t like to take the negative path, as in think of the other person as ugly or try not to be too kind to them. I think we should also strive to be good humans and continue to be kind. I try to focus on the self and to re-wire my thinking process without projecting the negative on the other person, maybe it works for some! The following is one of the ideas that has worked for me,

Question aloud and try to understand or at least, try to articulate the source of this feeling. Here is a short line of questioning to give a sense of what I’m saying;

- Why do I feel this way?

- What did this person specifically do that made me interested? Perhaps they were kind and polite?

- Why did being kind and polite draw me in?

- Am I receiving sufficient kindness and politeness in my existing friendship/relationships?

- If yes, then why does this person stand out amongst the others?

- Is it the rush/high from coming across a new person that exhibits this level of kindness?

- If yes, then ask yourself the question after 1 week or 1 month of knowing the person, i.e., do I still get the same rush/high?

And this line of questioning would go on till I get a sense of where my infatuation is coming from.

The other big tools to help beat this is; time (everything shall pass and so shall this temporary feeling), find a hobby, re-connect with friends, exercise/eat healthy, watch your favourite comedies.

Just wanted to add my $0.02 in case others are looking for more thoughts/ideas.

Cheers! :)

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on June 29, 2020:

Hello Chito, I'm glad you're feeling a little better, but you absolutely deserve full emotional freedom. The heavy, lingering sadness is a sign that you are not targeting your psychological points of weakness - without addressing what you are holding in your subconscious mind, this will persist, and you will unfortunately fall for similar future LOs.

Check out my website NeuroSparkle.com for lots more articles and my newly released book, 'The Limerent Mind'.

The book consists of a). a full reconciliation of every possible way of interpreting limerence (from neuroscience to twin flame theories) and b). the real way to permanently impress your subconscious mind with beliefs that will render you immune to limerence.

Those aren't empty words; if you proactively follow the steps given, and you will truly leave this reactive pattern behind. I love helping as many of you as I humanely can, and am so glad that technology allows me to offer this info for cheap + in condensed form!

Chito on June 29, 2020:

Hi Lucy,

Thanks for the reply earlier and tried to practice things you advised. My limerence or shall I say the infatuation feeling somewhat abated but the jealous feeling and sadness still lingers a bit, I mean I feel letting go makes me anxious and makes me feel empty when I tried so hard to downplay my attraction to the young girl I am infatuated with. I don't know if the infatuation minus the jealous feelings would probably be bearable. It's like I feel left out...though you mentioned there should be closure and we could not really have them in our life...maybe this is just a phase that I should need to press on...hoping time will diminish my infatuation...

Guizy on June 24, 2020:

Thanks so much for the edifying article that makes me feel that I'm not alone. I've been infatuated with countless times in my life, and often in frustrating circumstances where the parties couldn't reciprocate the emotions with similar energy as mine because they were either clergy men or married. Presently it has been with a Deacon about to be ordained priest and it's like a death drive. Been working on it, praying, meditating, but the struggle is taking long...

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on June 11, 2020:

Hello there! Thank you so much for commenting, Surabhi - I'm really glad it's been of use.

I have intentionally made this one particularly accessible to everyone (including people who don't speak English as their first language). Do feel free to check out my other articles and my website (linked in my profile) for more rigorous analyses of the neuroscience and psychology underpinning limerence. :)

Surabhi Mehrotra on June 11, 2020:

I cannot thank you enough for this article. In the beginning, it seemed to be a set of childish ideas but by the end, I realized how we have to rewire brains in order to get over someone. We often feel things that seem spiritual, as if that is what the universe wants. Relationships are unique for everybody, and sometimes one might feel that their feelings surpass anything that anybody has ever felt. Reading your article has given me the assurance that no matter how you feel, and how unique and special it is, if it is unhealthy then it needs to be done away with. Thank you, once again.

chito on May 29, 2020:

Thank you very much Lucy for taking time to shed some light on my dilemma. Really appreciated it and am so grateful. Am trying to apply the steps you have expounded to overcome this and am slowly feeling some mental relief. Thank you again and God bless you for your unselfish sharing of your knowledge and expertise on this, and am sure hundreds of those who suffered like us will be benefiting from you and recover our normal lives. Thank you so much!

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on May 27, 2020:

Hi there, @Chito. Sorry you're dealing with so much pain. These feelings you have for this girl are the pure reflection of some unmet needs of yours; if you felt completely satisfied with life and that your life contained enough adventure, you would not be so addicted to such a young woman's attention. She would seem beautiful and kind, yes, but would never send you into full-blown limerence.

Very, very few therapists understand how to deal with limerence, so focus on dulling the pain of the CURRENT episode (i.e. employing distraction techniques), but the truth is that this limerence and your attraction to this girl is representative of a far deeper issue. It's an issue with your perception of yourself and others... an issue with your ability to completely meet your needs and feel acknowledged and respected *without* obsessing over someone much younger.

Do not feel silly or guilty, as it is not your fault that you are wired this way and are carrying around some problematic belief systems. However, now's a great opportunity to attack these from multiple angles to not only cure you of THIS limerence but to radically improve the degree of fulfillment you obtain from life. It can seem daunting to embark on a journey that involves altering your beliefs, but complete, 100% emotional freedom lies at the other side.

I love people and establish amazing relationships when I want one in my life, but I am absolutely immune to infatuation and limerence now that I understand the neuroscientific, psychological and spiritual root causes of it. My passion is imparting this knowledge in any way that I can, so that others, too, can rise above their primitive, monkey brains! :)

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on May 27, 2020:

Hello, @Storm - the type of situation you are describing is unfortunately uncommon. You need to tackle the root cause of this limerent disposition you have, in order to not only free yourself from this current man's illusory "magic" but to also never align with this type of unrequited love again. It is completely possible for you to never go through it again in your lifetime, but takes rewiring your brain and committing entirely to recovery.

Check out some of my other posts on limerence and refer to my website (linked in bio) for more free posts. And, don't hesitate to reach out if you need more help!

Chito on May 27, 2020:

I am in similar situation for 4 months now. I just found myself suddenly feeling like in love or infatuated to a 22 year old office mate without intending to be. In fact am already a 57 year old married guy and I am so smitten by this girl that shes always in mind. Tried hard to forget her for obvious reasons that I should not feel this way being marrfied but I just could not get her out of my mind. Compounding the problem is my jealous feelings. I feel extremely jealous just to think of her being with other guys or to meet new ones. I have no plans to court her or enter into an illicit relationship. What you described her Lucy is really hitting right to my situation and i will try to apply and process myself on this. Please add more advise to my dilemma. Thank you very much!

Storm Croghan on May 23, 2020:

Hi Lucy,

I cannot tell you how much this article has helped me! I have had the worst case of Limerence for the past couple weeks. I have been on this dopamine roller coaster far too long and I’m ready to jump ship.

My infatuation is with a coworker. We have been flirty for awhile and things escalated to Inappropriate photos. While I’m swooning in his perceived awesome-sauce, he has been very clear that he doesn’t have feelings for me and that we are just having “fun”. Everything seems to be on HIS terms when we send photos, and we only talk dirty but nothing on a deeper level. Whenever I try to say anything else he just gives short answers and no follow up questions to get to know me. Now at work he barely talks to me.

I fantasize about him all day long. It’s bad, Lucy. Bad. I hate this feeling. I deserve better. But isn’t this my own fault?- he’s been truthful with me the whole time that he doesn’t have feelings for me. Sigh.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on May 15, 2020:

This is possible and achieved by people every day. However, just as a diabetic sugar addict has to learn to thrive in a world where sugar is in front of them all the time, getting over someone when there's a chance it "could work" requires complete adherence to quitting the behavioral addiction.

Until you stop seeing this as an exciting connection and start to reframe it as a toxic high that someone is intermittently offering you, you will be trapped. When you manage this, you will be completely, emotionally free, regardless of how often you come across this man.

However, some people really struggle with this stage due to a). psychological unmet needs of theirs and b). beliefs that they carry in their subconscious minds regarding themselves.

If you feel that you cannot move on, despite understanding the science of limerence/infatuation, please don't hesitate to get in touch and we can work on this together and rewire your brain!

GingerMay on May 15, 2020:

How do you get over it when they actually want you? Im married now, in a relationship with my favorite lil introvert while im an extreme extrovert, we decides to both do our own thi g for the most part so i dont suffer inside and he doesn't suffer outside. The pub near my house has this long haired musician that literally makes every woman he crosses weak in the knees. This guy gets more booty than a toilet seat, buy only really beautiful woman can hang on his arm. I thought he was attractive from the moment i saw him on stage but hes been tryin to put the moves on me and givin me googly eyes. I pretty much just say something and embarrassing and run away each time. I dont even like him. His music taste is dukey. Please help. My hubs is amazing

Infatuation Situation (pt. 2) on May 11, 2020:

Actually, we were mutually interested but I didn't want to commit to an international long-distance thing and cut it in the bud. Still hurts like hell though... I feel like I messed everything up and it's my fault I feel so terrible now. Like what if I hadn't opened my big mouth? A few more weeks of happy bliss before the "serious talk about reality?" Ah well, there will be others I guess.

Infatuation Situation on May 11, 2020:

I've recently been infatuated with a person I met online when lock down started. I think the lock down's made it worse since I've mostly been in my room, bored, lonely, and (for a while) we were texting constantly, even video chatted a few times.

I realized it was getting unhealthy and going too fast so I asked to be friends but it's painful still being in contact with much less enthusiastic replies and I'm not sure I can do it. I'm starting to move on but it's rough.

Chris W on April 29, 2020:

Hi Lucy,

I thought I was in love with a boy for an entire academic semester and I spent this semester doing stupid self esteem lowering attempts to get closer to him in a relationship. I thought I was in love with him because of how intense my feelings were for him. But my Dad told me it was infatuation, explaining it to me for the first time. A year since I first fell infatuated with him I admit I still fantasize about him. I know he lives in a neighborhood close to me but separated by a highway. I, along with him, am a runner. I have routes that I run that are in and around his area and it feels like whenever I'm their I am entering his territory. It makes me feel like a creep and my self esteem lowers. I want to forget about him but every time I run or go near his area I get reminded of him.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on April 27, 2020:

Hi Sneha, you are riding out the peak of a painful limerence but I guarantee that you, like any person in your situation, are entirely capable of detaching from and forgetting this man. Please feel to get in contact with me directly as I would love to help you in any way that I can.

Sneha Chhetri on April 27, 2020:

I am suffering from infatuation a lot. I want to cast aside all these unnecessary and unimportant things. I even can't focus on any work that I do. Its killing my creativity, energy, curiousity (on anything), happiness and a whole me. 24/7 only the same person roams in my mind. I get lost into him all the time though I force myself to concentrate my mind. Please help me out. Plese please please !!

I am in a very critical situation. My future, my career, my prestige, pride everything is in danger. Please suggest me the effective ways. I will be thankful to you for my whole life span

Sneha Chhetri on April 27, 2020:

I am suffering from infatuation a lot. I want to cast aside all these unnecessary and unimportant things. I even can't focus on any work that I do. Its killing my creativity, energy, curiousity (on anything), happiness and a whole me. 24/7 only the same person roams in my mind. I get lost into him all the time though I force myself to concentrate my mind. Please help me out. Plese please please !!

I am in a very critical situation. My future, my career, my prestige, pride everything is in danger. Please suggest me the effective ways. I will be thankful to you for my whole life span

Joseph on April 06, 2020:

I've been infatuated with this one girl for some time and tho I know i will never be with her the thought of not having someone like her in my life makes me feel sick. what should i do?

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on March 27, 2020:

Hi May, thanks for commenting. It is completely understandable that you are trapped in the loops of rumination, but I promise you that every infatuation can be ended quickly once the correct mental beliefs are instilled in your subconscious mind.

I offer personalised, in-depth psychological reports and (due to this Coronavirus situation!) am currently able to produce more than usual. Everyone's situation is so unique and nothing enthuses me more than helping as many of you as possible to reach pure emotional freedom.

Don't hesitate to contact me if interested :)

May on March 17, 2020:

I have been infatuated with a man for for 20 years and counting. I have tried many ways to stop it. I am living a full life, got married, have children, and do every normal thing, but at the end of a bad day, I daydream about him. Sometimes, when I am sad I imagine being with him. It's a sad case. Reading this article helps, though. I enjoy your humor and sincerity.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on March 16, 2020:

It's fascinating how someone with undesirable traits can seem so flaw-free through the lens of infatuation. Good luck!

shivani on March 16, 2020:

Thanks for this article,

thanks maybe it will work on my infatuation. he is really jerk. he always talk about dirty things, which I don't like it all, he never talk about some intelligence things, he is jerk. i hate him. but due to his looks. i always attracted toward him. i have to face him another 5 months or more than that. its difficult for me, but i will do definitely, it impacts on my work which i don't like at all. i hate him hate him. thanks for this article.

He is an idiot. I am definitely sure. and i am more idiot, give him that much importance.

Raybello on March 03, 2020:

Colossally helpful

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on February 23, 2020:

While you harbour those feelings for him, it will be impossible to be his true friend. You will just be in love with him but not dating him. However, you will certainly recover and your interest in him will flatten over time, meaning that a future friendship is not off the cards.

Mia on February 22, 2020:

Hi. I felt this way towards a good friend who had me on the hook. We have been friends for almost 7 months. He was my classmate from a short 6 month course I enrolled in at uni. I knew from the start when i met him that he had a girl already. I never ever wanted to go between them or steal him or make things complicated. But he at times flirted and was charming. He thinks I like him but I denied it becaue it wont lead to anywhere and I am afraid it would affect our friendship like he might stay away. I just want to keep him as my bestfriend. Is it possible given that I feel infatuated with him?

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on February 18, 2020:

Well done for coming to this conclusion - it's not easy to actively fight such rich and enticing feelings, especially when limerence, as a state, involves such a strong degree of delusionality. Your entire being is begging you to satisfy every whim that the limerent beast presents you with, and it takes a stoic attitude to avoid doing so.

Now that you are objectively considering your situation, you will be more likely to employ effective recovery techniques. Feel free to contact me directly if you need any more help, as I am offering personalised reports for a limited time period.

Anonymous on February 13, 2020:

#9 and #11 are really on target for me. I had to stop torturing myself and realize that this woman never really puts a bit of effort into our friendship. Its just that when we do click and share a moment, it is really awesome. But its probably just a fact that she is super charming and her eyes light up and she smiles and tilts her head and twirls her hair for anyone. Beside that she doesn't encourage me. She never asks about my life, and she doesn't go out of her way to see me. And that means; it means that my feelings have to be gotten over. I have started accepting this and it feels like a party balloon slowly deflating bit by bit. I hate it so much but I have to forget my feelings. I am just making myself nuts. The problem is we have worked in the same office for many years and I've just become so fond of her. But I will get over it. Bit by painful bit.

Jenny777 on January 27, 2020:

I am very infatuated with someone who I often see at the same venue and it has been causing me intense highs and lows. I realize it is not going to work out. It is very hard to get over him though. I am really trying to avoid him but it is not entirely possible. Sometimes when I ignore him he makes a point to talk to me. This drives my infatuation deeper. I have seen him ignoring me at times and I turn to look at him and he looks at me terrified. That makes me feel terrible. Nothing seems to work! What the heck is going on??

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on January 07, 2020:

Thanks so much for this comment, Geoffrey! I'm really glad this piece meant something to you.

Geoffrey Warner on January 07, 2020:

As per usual the article hits it right on the proverbial head. Thank you, so inspiring and helpful

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on December 28, 2019:

Commit to distancing yourself while also throwing yourself into stimulating work or a new social scene.

Lola on December 27, 2019:

Hello. I think i have developed an infatuation for a guy who suddenly reconnected after about 7years. We kind of clicked and he is really nice and we talk at least two to three times a week. I find my self thinking maybe some force is trying to bring us together. Problem is i don't even think i really like this guy. Any advise for me?

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on December 09, 2019:

You believe something in between the Disney dream and the bleakness of thinking purely in scientific terms: your ability to seek a stable relationship with someone who is interested in you. There is no need to reduce relationships and love to neurobiology if feelings are mutual. This article is aimed at people stuck in the depths of unrequited love, who need to be more objective in order to move on with their life.

Brenda nino on December 09, 2019:

Towards the end I felt everything. First anger towards this article and than just pathetic and than depression and than I watched a YouTube video to idk. What do I do now? Do I just accept that i am born alone and I will die alone and that’s fine. That relationships are power games. After I’ve been having a Disney dream .... what do I believe now? :/

Venom on December 04, 2019:

i want to get rid of a girl from whom i am now infatuated .i always waste my time thinking about her and get worried that does he she have feelings for me in return or not.at first to douge these feelings i made her step sister but this trick didnot worked i day by i am adopting feelings for her and i always keep on thinking that does she loves me or not and due to i cant concentrate in my studies, work etc. Plz help this posion is eating me from inside .AND one more thing ,i always keeps on thinking about spending time with her and also that she likes me or not.plz help me ,

Xyz on November 14, 2019:

I have a strong crush/infatuation on this girl.. I want to become a footballer but always the thought of this girl distracts me.. I just get depressed about it and it is a very serious depression.. I always get discouraged and disturbed and I want to get over this feeling, so to get over the feeling, I tried to think of her as a friend but it isn't working..

What shall I do?! ... Please reply!

Anonymous on November 07, 2019:

I really enjoyed reading your article, it has opened my eyes even more. In my case i realised that i wouldn't even like to be with him (he actually showed affection and proved he cared about me, then oh well..i found out he still loves his ex and felt like i supposed to play a role of a plaster for his wound- umm no thanks, i will pass.) but something inside pulled me to him like a magnet. Im not gonna share the full story but i can definitely relate and i understand what it feels like to be fooled and have subconscious attitudes towards another person which in the reality only serve you with pain. All I can say to people who go through the same is, you have to stay strong. Make a list of how he/she treated you, believe you dont deserve to feel so low, cry if you need as it is healthy but realise it is only your imagination about the person that YOU created to "fulfill" your definition of love, your needs, feelings etc., it has nothing to do with them because they are not who you thought they are. You wouldn't even like to be with this person in the first place based on how they treated you.

Eliss on November 04, 2019:

Thanks for your article. Its is just so right! The thing is that there is a part of us that dep inside, knows the truth... just so deep inside sometimes LOL

Jayj on November 02, 2019:

Hi Lucy, I have to say i really love this article! Most other articles online usually just talk about general solutions to these kinds of infatuations, but yours actually gives concrete explanations as to why these kinds of infatuations happen and how to actually solve them rather than just telling me to distract myself from them and invest myself in doing stuff.

I have actually been distraught over this infatuation problem for years. I am really really prone to infatuations as I keep being attracted to girls all over the place. From train stations, to work place, to malls, to just walking on the street! I don't have any loving feelings towards them nor do i know anything about them. However, i get turned on / attracted just from them doing the smallest things, which then turns into a crazed desire to go after them. I keep telling myself i'm just trying to be friendly but deep down i know i'm harboring a small hope that they will be attracted to me as well.

Even now, despite being in a relationship for 1 year +, i keep getting sidetracked by would be illusions of other girls being my potential girlfriends. My girlfriend is a GREAT girl and i love her a lot. But a lot of the times, i fantasize myself for being with other girls / try to find ways to go after other girls. Even though my feelings of infatuations fade after some time (worst case scenario, months), i still feel really guilty for my infatuations since it just means i am neglecting my girlfriend.

Is my case of constant infatuations towards most girls normal? Or am i the odd one out for being way too much? I have been controlling my urges quite well since our relationship started but i'm scared i will hurt her unintentionally due to my infatuations and sudden urges taking over. I had another infatuation towards a girl i don't even know on Instragram tonight, that's how i stumbled across your article. I have never done anything about my infatuations, save talking to them for the fear of hurting anyone, especially my girl, but i don't know how long i can control it. Work and games keeps girls off my mind for most of the time, but i don't know how long it'll last... Is there any advice?

P.S: Sorry i wrote such a long comment. Just had to take some things off my chest. Hope you don't mind Lucy

RM on October 25, 2019:

I have been infatuated with a girl who is mysterious and doesn't talk much in class but only in PE we were playing together and i tried to look her in the eye and talk to her but i couldn't and she wanted sitting directly opposite me i couldn't muster the courage as you said turn it into reality...I am going to try talk to her but how.Also she like my posts on instagram and followed me .I have been seeing she is realizing this.But i don't know how to go about on this.I think i want to be friends with her but its never going to happen .I was infatuated with another girl before she was really pretty now it with this dark and mysterious girl who does talk but only sometimes. I'm a girl and I'm wondering if i suppose to be getting infatuated with girls . Wht if I'm...

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on September 01, 2019:

Thank you - I'm so glad that it has resonated with you.

If you'd like advice on your specific situation/the reason why this particular person is triggering an intense emotional response in you, please drop me an email... I am currently offering personalized reports!

Best, Lucy

Girl whom loves like no tomorrow on September 01, 2019:

This article was nothing short of stunningly accurate and direct. Do you ever do clinical sessions Lucy?

Jean Ellis on August 18, 2019:

Hi there,

I am in a bit of a pickle, and I came across this page and thought posting on here may be helpful.

I am in a committed relationship going into it’s 3rd year and I love my boyfriend and would never ever do anything to hurt him.

I have been dancing ballroom for 3 years and have never been able to find a partner so have only ever done exams. But two weeks ago my teacher found me a partner to compete with, and we have started practicing and dance really well together. The issue is I am completely infatuated with him. At first I just found him very physically attractive, and thought it was okay to think he was attractive. But after a couple of practices I have found myself completely obsessed with him. And I don’t understand why really, because I know that we would never ever have the slightest chance of ever being together. I know he is not someone who would share all of my values and things, just completely not my type of person in regards to relationships. It’s irritating because all other experiences I’ve had of infatuation have been with people who I could see myself being in a relationship with. But I definitely can’t with this guy so I don’t get it. It’s also awful because I feel incredibly guilty, and I also have to see him twice every week for practice, and be pressed up against him for 2 hours straight. And I don’t want to stop dancing with him, because it is so good to finally have a partner and we dance so well together, I would just like these feelings to ease so I can stop feeling so guilty.

Any advice?

I do think part of it may be me seeing qualities in him that I wish I had myself, such as his confidence, and so greatly admiring the things in him that I wish I had myself. So possibly working on my own confidence would help ease the feelings

Anonymous-IN on August 09, 2019:

Hi Lucy,

One of my biggest fears was I have come across as a creep by failing to conceal my infatuation.

It might not be that bad. She came up to me a week ago for some technical assistance which I gave. It took me a while to settle down but (I hope) I managed it quite well and she seemed glad I helped.

Things are much easier now. I don't need to be awkwardly silent nor over exuberant when she is around. The infatuation just needs to be out totally - it isn't yet.

Thank you once more, Lucy.

Library_Girl on August 07, 2019:

I'm deeply infatuated to this guy I don't even know the name of. I always see him in the library and he has come up to tap on my shoulder to ask me to take care of his stuff a few times. However, as i started to show my interest by sitting next to him or looking at him, he does not seem to reciprocate.. We've bumped into each other a few times in very dramatic settings (something like what you'd expect in movies) and I think this is why i am so infatuated by him, thinking that we are meant to be, etc. I don't even know this guy; his name, age, anything. But I can't help thinking about him, looking forward to seeing him and just picturing us together. I feel crazy and wrong. What should I do?

Karan on July 15, 2019:

Thank you for saving my life with these steps

Anonymous-IN on July 13, 2019:

Lucy, am sorry for not responding soon enough. Thank you for the guidance once more.

I know am gradually getting over it and this infatuation is not debilitating for me. It doesn't stop me from going about my job or my personal responsibilities with the concentration that they require.

I've noticed that thoughts wander to her only when I am not doing anything important. Maybe this is my biggest hurdle.

And yes "normalising" her good traits is something I need to do. Thank you.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on July 08, 2019:

Hello! It's important that you stay strong and try and mentally reframe your perception of her nice features/actions.

When I was at my worst and dealing with similar situations to yours, I would try and think about how my LO reminded me of one of my friends (who is lovely and kind-hearted, but has a slightly 'goofy' smile).

Focusing on that trivial, albeit genuine, resemblance helped me to snap out of the trance of idolization and rumination. I started to see them in a less romantic, 'you're so mystical and radiant' light, and to start to see them in an affectionate way because they reminded me a little of a friend that I was CERTAINLY not limerent over.

The aim isn't to develop a complete aversion to your LO if that is not realistic; she might well be a sparkly and truly kind person. Rather, you need to realize that her positive traits aren't anything particularly special. They're within the same domain of interesting traits that you might see in some of your favorite friends, or your family members (AKA: people that you could never become obsessed with!).

To slowly but surely leave the highs and lows of a pathological limerence, you ONLY need to tug your fixated brain away from seeing her as 'god-like'. She may be beautiful, smart and lovely, but this doesn't mean that you need be lovesick over her and mourning the fact that you can't be with her.

Again, I'm sure there are many women that you could describe using colorful and complimentary language, but who you aren't strongly romantically interested in. It's all about reducing her back to 'human status'. Any attraction will take care of itself and slowly fade as long as you manage to adhere to this rational thinking for a few weeks/months.

Anonymous-IN on July 08, 2019:

Lucy, am back.

I held the door open for her inadvertently (obviously I wasn't going to barge in first) and she gave me such a wonderful smile seems like all the hard-work of the last two weeks has collapsed like a pack of cards! Sigh!

Why couldn't she have just growled at me? Would have made it so much easier.

Raul Lopez on July 07, 2019:

Plan B work on me.

Braxtyy on June 26, 2019:

So I met this guy on a cruise a couple days ago. I went with my friend and we made a bunch of new friends including this guy that we'll call Max. Anyways me and "Max" were getting along eeally well and became friends but then it turned into something more, for me atleast. I started to like him and I thought maybe he liked me too because I would see him staring at me all the time and we did a lot of thing that couples would do. The thing is that the cruise ended and because the days got more chaotic, we never ended up switching any info. All the people who we were friends with never got his info either and he lives a couple hours away. Its only been a couple days and I feel like I'm never gonna get over him. I know it sounds stupid and that it will eventually pass but it feels like right now its taking up all my energy and making me feel really depressed. I want to tell someone how I feel but I feel like they arent going to take this seriously because I am so young and "don't know what it's like to feel real pain and suffering." All I really want is to get over him and move on with my life but I think of him all day every day and I haven't stopped crying since. Please help me figure out ways to speed up the healing. I'm holding it together but when I talk to other people I can feel tears building up even when we aren't talkinf about anything close to him or the trip. This is taking over my life and I don't know what to do.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on June 24, 2019:

@vegan42 I can understand why you may feel like that, since the brain is wired to expect life to always be as it has been in the past. However, this quote doesn't take into consideration the fact you actively create your own reality and are capable of manifesting your wildest dreams.

I sincerely hope that you choose to give life a chance! Depression is a temporary state; it is a metabolic shut-down and is the biologically-advantageous antidote to rumination. Yes, that's right. It isn't something that you'll always suffer from, nor is it a 'genetic imbalance'.

However, to beat depression, you must 'keep it moving'. Our ancestors did not have time to worry about their issues or emotions, since every single day was a struggle to stay alive/locate food. Albeit incredibly hard, you must commit to moving past this, write a list of small things to accomplish and start ticking them off.

vegan42 on June 24, 2019:

"Suicide is another thing that’s so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn’t for everybody. It really isn’t. It’s sad when kids kill themselves ’cause they didn’t really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you’ve sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn’t gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. "– Doug Stanhope

Anónimos on June 24, 2019:

Its says here...

"As someone prone to spiritual thinking and magical ideation, I always struggled to overcome the notion that I would be settling for life if I didn't end up with that person, and that the powers of the universe wanted us to be together.

The best way to counter this illogicality and find peace is to realize that this person has seen your soul, and has still decided that they don't want to be with you."

They don't want to be with you...

But in my case...

I'm married..

I didn't look for the person.

He contacted me on social media.

We talked for a month..

Never saw him in person.. well i had, but never really pay attention to him.. only his band...

I knew about his existence, just didn't think he would notice me.. never in my life I thought about him in that way...

He is recently a widow.

We fell for eachother...That's what i think, though... i dont know...

And he let me go because I am married obviously...

Weird stuff has happened.. like coincidences between us...

Was it infatuation?

I'm so confused.

Because i fucking love my husband...

I read about limerence..

I stopped talking to him 2 months ago...

But i think about him every single day...

And I saw him on 2 days ago in person...

Didn't talked to him, just waved at him.

And later sent him a message...

Telling him I was glad to see him happy having fun.. he told me to love us each other.. meaning my family....

I miss him a lot...

Just wanna know if it's love..

If its infatuation, limerence...

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on June 23, 2019:

I'm glad! Feel free to update us all - hope it all goes well :)

Anonymous-IN on June 23, 2019:

Lucy, I can't stress how important and eye-opening your replies have been. Thank you so very much. Maybe I will keep you posted if you aren't bored. :-)

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on June 23, 2019:

Even if slightly oppressed by societal expectations of how women should act regarding sexuality, she'd meet your eyes with a glimmer. If you're relatively perceptive and find that you can typically judge friends' facial expressions etc., you should trust the fact that your subconscious has interpreted her behaviour and body language as 'uninterested'. Mutual attraction is very obvious and hard to hide, in terms of the energy a person gives out and directs towards you.

Yes, it's positive that you've come to that conclusion and can start to move forward. You will certainly manage to leave this headspace and begin to find other people interesting in a matter of weeks/months. I speak to many people who are in the depths of unreasonably strong limerence and delusional as a consequence; you seem to be moderately infatuated, but still logical.

Good luck!

Anonymous-IN on June 22, 2019:

"that she seems uninterested, which is very likely the case as mutual interest would be obvious (even in a reserved woman!)."

Could it also be a cultural thing? Women in India in workplaces will be extremely guarded. They know there are far too many creeps. I don't want to come across as one of those. I'd prefer leaving the job if that was the case or if I anticipate that to happen.

So even if there is interest I am not sure if would be shown - certainly not to a new colleague. They would need to know a person very very well to become interested. And in this particular case I can bet my quite modest bank balance that there would be no interest at all even if she came to know me well. This is unrequited interest/liking.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on June 22, 2019:

This sounds like it is more of an infatuation than a truly problematic obsession ('limerence') - you haven't mentioned gut-wrenching lows and depression from this experience, which is positive. A passionate infatuation fizzles out quickly, as long as you cut the cord and stop picturing future scenarios involving her. You seem self-aware and mention that she seems uninterested, which is very likely the case as mutual interest would be obvious (even in a reserved woman!). You need to focus on yourself, see your feelings as a pesky beast to tame and try and make as many new connections as possible.

Anonymous-IN on June 19, 2019:

I recently joined a new IT company. None of my colleagues work in the office I do. I go there because its an easier commute.

Now there is a colleague there. She said Hi to me the first day and told me no one works here beyond 9PM. I am alone on that floor till 11PM when my shift ends.

Earlier I did not think of her much but now I am infatuated with her. It doesn't help that she is quite bubbly.

I know this won't work out for two reasons - I am at least 15 years older to her and I think she is already engaged.

However, I am not able to get over my infatuation.

I also know that she is indifferent towards me and we have spoken probably 4 times in the last 4 months.

But I don't want to force a conversation with her because I neither want to make her uncomfortable nor feel threatened. I did not add her as a contact in my official list; I did not connect with her on LinkedIn for the same reasons.

Is this infatuation or more scarily an obsession? I desperately want to get over it for my own sanity.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on May 29, 2019:

It always helps if the person that you are infatuated gives you a clear, negative response. However, if there seems to be uncertainty, your brain will perceive this as hope and you may become even more strongly infatuated. Therefore, whether or not you should disclose your feelings depends on their personality.

Kimberly on May 29, 2019:

Does it ever help to tell the object of your infatuation how you are feeling and that you are trying to get over them? I am tempted to do this, to help with closure, but it may really be an attempt to spark something. And it might not be fair or kind to lay that on him.

K on May 06, 2019:

My marriage was broken long married life. I am a single mother with a teenage kid. While i was coping with all this, one of the guys who is 10 years younger had a crush on me. Initially, I denied but eventually I got attracted. Both of us are very clear that we can’t have any long term relationship. I have met him only twice and he has moved out of country as well. It has been more than a year since I have seen him. But I can’t still get him out of my mind. Can’t blame him at all since he never made any promises and has been honest about his personality and beliefs. I am not even ready to get into relationships again.

Did I force my attraction to him just to forget my past? Why am I not able to get him out of my mind? I feel pathetic when I trouble him to keep in touch. Is it not possible to be connected as a friend?

ADE on April 04, 2019:

It is fascinating

cookie on March 21, 2019:

I met this guy at school and I'm scared at how I might even love him, it has been about 10 months from the time we clicked. and I'm not exactly ready to fall in love, but I want to try. on the other hand, there is another guy, a family friend since when I was really young. my long term friend and I, we kissed and I don't know how I need to react to it, basically, its a love triangle. help, please!!!

Kamy on March 05, 2019:

Thank you for responding to me and for putting a positive spin on my silly obsession, I feel quite ashamed of the irrational feelings and thoughts I have for him.

I will follow your advice.

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on March 05, 2019:

Thank you for sharing your story. This is fascinating and goes to show that infatuation and limerence are illusory states. They are reflections of our own aberrant neurochemical circuitry and psychological wounds and have little to do with who we project them onto, whether it be a real person or a fictional one.

You need to treat this as a drug addiction and stop following his social media. Going cold-turkey on this will make it impossible for you NOT to overcome this over time.

You are clearly obsessionality prone, but this isn't a bad thing. There's a duality to everything mental-heath related. It means you're more passionate, more driven, and can focus on abstract ideas more clearly than the average "neurotypical" person. Use this to your advantage - throw yourself into a new project, learn a language or set yourself a fitness goal.

The world is your playground, and you can thrive amazingly well in it with a brain like yours. I plan on writing articles on the benefits of certain psychiatric traits in the future. Being prone to limerence, intrusive thoughts and obsessive thinking has actually taken me very far in life, because I've learnt how to manage my mental health while taking advantage of being better than the average person at certain things.

Kamy on March 05, 2019:

I know this is completely ridiculous but it is affecting my life and marriage. I am infatuated by a fictional character in a tv series, and by extension the actor that plays him. I have no idea if this actor shares any of the character traits that his fictional self has but I cannot stop thinking about him, it doesn’t help that he is gorgeous looking too, I am following him in social media and so desperately wish I could meet him in the flesh so that he may want me too. This silliness is affecting my personal life and my relationship with my husband as I am comparing him with this ideal man and finding it hard to be aroused and intimate with my husband. I feel my life is being wasted and I am in the wrong place, I think I should leave my husband and children and go find this man that will make me forever happy. Please help me

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on March 02, 2019:

It's so hard when your feelings are reciprocated, but the person doesn't quite like or need you as much as you do them. All you can do is keep on living your life, despite the pain and obsession, and trust in your connection with him. If you guys really do have a connection beyond sex, he'll stay in your life in some form. That will have to be enough. Good luck!

Manu on March 02, 2019:

I am in a gay relationship, and i met this other guy who is married to a woman and has 2 kids. He is a beautiful guy, we met for the last year to have sex. 3 months ago i got infatuated with him. Not i wish to meet him every day, he does not want a relationship, but sometimes he messages me. Im going crazy. Cant find anything negative about him. Its like he's perfect. I really need help to overcome him. At least i was capable to delete all of his chats not to keep on going back to them. I think of him easily 50 times a day. Im sure he will message me back but dont know when and this kills me.

venesa on January 19, 2019:

Hi I have been in infatuation for two years with this man.we know each other but I am very nervous, to talk to him.though I don't want him but it is difficult to forget him.he is married and he is too old than me.I know it is wrong but I get restless and feel like crying if don't see this man for 1day. He is also nervous and shy in front of me. We don't talk to each other.but I want to talk to him I just wanna talk to him a simple greet like hi but I can't because of my nervousness and this causes my infatuation so strong that it is sometimes more painful and I feel lonelyness. Can you please tell me the solution for this.?

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on November 20, 2018:

@Mags Unfortunately, starting a platonic relationship with someone that you are infatuated with is impossible. You can remain civil, if that's what you mean by a "friendship", but I don't think that is what you truly want. You, like everyone else who is currently infatuated with someone, want to be part of his life in any way that you possibly can. If you choose to be his friend, unless you're both diligent with boundaries (next to impossible), you'll just end up getting to know each other in detail as if you were in the early stages of a relationship.

You are correct in thinking that this behaviour is wrong and unfair to his wife, but it doesn't make either of you entirely bad people. We are animals driven by our brains that possess some very primitive, reptilian components. It is unfortunately common for married people (like him) to find a spark in someone new and become temporarily infatuated. After all, a long-term relationship is loving but no longer "exciting" like new romance. The truth is that it is very rarely worth ruining a healthy marriage in this way, and that infatuations are ephemeral by nature.

Having said that, how you deal with this situation is down to you two. If you truly think that you have a deep emotional connection and that he is on the same page as you, talk to him.. life is short. It might be that he is unhappy in his marriage for other reasons than it just being a bit dull - maybe he is already looking to leave his wife.

However, I think that you are right in thinking that you should nip this in the bud and stop getting to know him. I wanted to dance around the above point not to give you false hope and steer you towards a bad decision, but to highlight that life isn't black and white. You're not completely irrational to want to take this further, despite infatuation being short-lived and illusory. Who knows, maybe there IS a real connection there that would outlive the initial buzz of falling in love.

What I can tell you is that you WILL be okay if you end this connection. The throes of this infatuation will pass if you commit to closure/mutually decide to cut this off. You will mourn him and feel like you're missing out on a life chapter so spiritually-aligned with your destiny, but you need to let yourself experience those thoughts knowing that they are ILLUSORY.

Our brain has evolved in this way to confer us with a biological advantage: guaranteed survival of the human species. It spins up a little story for us with the help of potent neurotransmitters, tricking us into thinking that we need to grab onto this new, exciting person like our life depends on it.. just so that we reproduce. After the child has been born/grown up a little, nature no longer cares if the parents stick together, which explains why infatuation fades.

Good luck. I truly feel for you - it's agonising to let go of an "almost relationship", but this too shall pass.

Mags on November 19, 2018:

I have worked next to a man for months that I connected with immediately. He is smart, funny, fun, interesting, he is a leader in the community and owns a business as well as leads worship at the church. He has introduced me to his wife and I have visited them at church even. One day as we were working something shifted. The conversation became more flirtatious....I invited him to come along with some other co-workers to grab a beer after we were done and he said yes but then said he forgot about something and had to jet but would love to grab a beer later in the week. We ended up meeting that following Wed at a restaurant, we had 2 drinks and some food and he paid. It seemed innocent enough...we laughed a lot, we had good conversation....but I found myself wanting to talk to him more and see him again. A week later we met again at another place for round 2. He mentioned wanting to sit next to me in a booth and I played it off and laughed and said that would be awkward. We got a margarita (one of the big ones) and drank out of the same glass with 2 straws...it was like I was a teenager again I haven't felt this giddy over someone since I was young. Something really sparked that night. We laughed, talked, enjoyed some drinks, then he grabbed my hand...not holding hands just would grab it to make contact...then let go. After walking out to the car we gave each other a small kind of half way peck on the cheek but a little on the lips....anyways it was cute, and we agreed to meet again soon. That Friday, I was on the way to a movie alone (which I typically do) and I couldn't stop thinking of him. I asked him to come. He did. We sat so close to each other, held hands and cuddled, never kissed, but came so close a few times. I know this is wrong. I know this is bad and hurts his wife. But i can't stop. I think about him every day, all day, and he says the same thing about me. He has everything I want in a partner but 2 things...he is married and has no children. (I'm divorced and have 4 children which is why I really don't want to date anyone). It's hard at 37 to find connections. I was certain that after my divorce I would never love again. I didn't want to. This sneaked up on us. I don't think he will leave his wife and I wouldn't want him to, not for me. I have a feeling something is missing in his marriage but I can't be the filler for that. I am getting more infatuated every day and the thought that this could be over any day makes me want it more. I wish I knew how to get through this. It seems clear that I should just cut it off but I can't bring myself to do it. How do I break it off but still remain friends? Is that possible?

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on September 26, 2018:

He certainly could be, or you might be viewing him through the rosy-tinted lenses of infatuation and warping reality. It is also possible that he finds you attractive but is not truly "infatuated" - so, he flirts back, but doesn't feel any emotional pull towards you.

Inpain on September 25, 2018:

what if this person, who I'm infatuated with is reciprocating. When I see him, in my building at work, he looks deep into my eye and smiles for a lot longer than normal, sometimes he even says Hi how are you. Every time this happens I get a racing heart, and almost like panic attack symptoms?? I think about him all the time for days at a time, imagining things.....and then it happens again, I see him, he looks at me, and the cycle starts again. I find this painful and too difficult to talk to him, he hold a very high level position (not in my department) where I work but we are both married :( . Do you think he could also be infatuated with me? We really haven't had a conversation except for one time a brief chat when we first met...this has been going on for 2 years and its driving me crazy

Anonymous on September 14, 2018:

I can't stop thinking about him. I think about him when I wake up, when I go to bed and every other waking second. It's starting to affect my daily life. I also work with him although I don't have a regular interaction with him. The funny thing is I don't even know him enough but I like him more than I should. What should I do?

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on July 27, 2018:

Infatuation is such a real, powerful phenomenon! Thanks so much for commenting and reading :)

Camille Harris from SF Bay Area on July 26, 2018:

This is so real. Apparently real for most others, too, judging by the 96% who voted "yes" in your poll! I was infatuated (borderline obsessed, sadly) with someone a few years ago. It took me nearly a year to get over them when we only dated a couple months. I wish I would've read your article back then - could've saved me a lot of heartache! Bookmarking for next time :-D

paankaj sonawane on September 08, 2017:

this is true i got attracted to model actress searched her on internet i saw her photo she looked so ugly in that photo that moment itself my attraction faded with her completely

dashingscorpio from Chicago on August 29, 2017:

Lucy, Thanks for the explanation!

I guess you're talking about being in the "friend zone" but wanting more or possibly having a crush on someone who doesn't even know you exist. People need help with both scenarios!

Maintaining an unrequited love/obsession for someone keeps a person from living their life to the fullest.

It may also SCARE the object of their affection should they ever learn about the obsession. No one wants to be labeled creepy, a stalker, or a fatal attraction. :)

In order for him/her to be "the one" they would have to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soulmate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa)

Lucy (author) from Leeds, UK on August 29, 2017:

Thank you for taking the time to comment, @dashingscorpio ! I completely agree with you on the idea that the infatuation stage of a relationship is amazing and does not need to be cut short. However, this hub isn't addressing the beginnings of a romantic relationship - it is addressing unrequited love/obsession.

I am using the word "infatuation" to refer to a long-lasting, deep, painful crush on someone that you *cannot* be in a relationship with. It is the most painful thing to be convinced that you adore someone, yet not be able to express it to them or act on it. I hope this explains why I've come up with tips to aid someone in "getting over"