I come to you from a soapbox, not the normal height boosting crowd-pleaser but from a small tanning bed-like device, Phone Soap, made to blast away bacteria with UV lamps and simultaneously charge your phone.

This little guy is light and poised to give your smartphone a wicked tan with its four-minute UVC lamp work.

CNN, MSNBC, Mashable, The Wall Street Journal, Wired, and even Fox News (so you know it’s the real deal, folks) have all featured and endorsed this little cure for the bacterial barrage that is many a person’s favorite communication device.

Nothing beats Phone Soap’s marketing however: “Most People Do Not Know They Have Poop On Their Phones.”

I took my filthy excuse for a bikini-clad iPhone and inserted it into the Phone Soap bed . . . it fits easily and there is room for some of the bigger and bulkier Androids and Windows phones. I then attached my USB charger to the USB port on the inside of the Phone Soap and was happy to see that the Tanning Booth had more tricks up its sleeve and was made to charge the phone while bathing in UVC light.

I will say this for Phone Soap’s logic: the smartphones of today are often warm and in our oily hands before, during, and after trips to the garbage pail, bathrooms, and the bedroom (ahem*) and that probably leads to a smorgasbord of bacterial growth and a breeding ground for hellspawn.

The light on the outside of the box glows blue while Phone Soap makes the “air, surface, and water disinfected” but after the light goes dark and my phone is back in my hand I cannot help but wonder . . . how do I know the process worked?

I did not have a microscope to examine the fecal organisms thriving on my toilet seat and measure them against the tanning taser.

And for just fifty bucks ($51 on Amazon), the Phone Soap was not enough for peace of mind, so I rented time at the Brookhaven National Laboratory where for $2219 I was able to examine the once crap-filled iPhone and its case (Phone Soap zaps cases too) with their electron microscope in person.

The only problem . . . I do not know how to read fecal in terms of atoms. All well!