​Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery.

His routines featured elocutive but often short, sometimes one-line, observational comedy, mixed with absurd and paraprosdokian elements as well as non sequiturs.

Hedberg’s unique comedy and gentle on-stage persona gained him a cult following.













Quotes From Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene – but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton… I’ve done that way more.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like, “Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”

Photo: Weird Worm ​When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light… and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

My manager was concerned, he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch… because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see. Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus? I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it… and he’s always on time.

​I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! Fuck you.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Photo: Dr. Bristol’s Prescription ​Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie’s first comment was “Man, this guy’s a survivor!”

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”

People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, “That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake.” Mothers would say to their daughters, “Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?”

Photo: This Is Love

​Last time I called shot gun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up…

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.” My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said, ‘Yeah.’ “ I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!”

I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.