WASHINGTON—Sounding the alarm on yet another devastating effect of climate change, a report released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration found that even a modest rise in global temperatures is likely to increase the number of Americans who fucking reek. “If the upward trend in average global temperature continues, we’ll almost certainly see a corresponding uptick in the proportion of Americans who just stink like rancid cheese,” said lead author Roger Agnew, explaining that with each degree centigrade the climate warms, the number of Americans who can singlehandedly clear out a room with their B.O. grows exponentially. “Our models project that the heat trapped by elevated levels of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere could cause as many as 50 million Americans to develop an unbearably ripe stench capable of wafting as far as the Canadian border. We must ask ourselves: Do we want our children to inherit a world that smells like total ass?” Fanning the air in front of his nose, Agnew emphasized that climate change was real and that the effects of it could already be detected.

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