This document beta'd by the discerning Reldern

WARNING: This story is very AU, as will be immediately obvious to anyone with any sense at all. If you want to know more about the setting, you could read Like a Red Headed Stepchild (also by me) and figure out why. Or, you could just read this story and enjoy the "mystery" of why Lockhart is behaving the way he is.

Note that this is not a crack-fic like Red Head is. This is more Indiana Jones meets The Dresden Files with Gilderoy Lockhart as the star.

-mugglesftw

Monster Hunters Extraordinaire: The Life and Times of GIlderoy Lockhart and his Companions

By Edward Lupin

Edited by Hermione Weasley

Published by Quibbler News Group

Forward by the Remus Lupin

Many have heard of the legendary monster hunter, educator, writer, and philanthropist Gilderoy Lockhart, but few know the man in truth. The tales of his exploits have of course been collected in the various works by none other than the man himself, and of course in various publications chronicling his escapades as well. At the time, few knew the truth of his story. A the story of a man who the man born as Gilderoy Lockhart was, and who, in time, he would become. Of the dramatic death and rebirth of Lockhart the Man that centered on his time as a Hogwarts professor.

It was during this time that I begin to know Lockhart, as he passed on his wisdom in teaching at Hogwarts (and in dealing with the infamous Weasley clan). As time went on, we began to exchange letters concerning the various magical creatures of the world. I would come to author somewhat less fictionalized books regarding the events of Lockhart's life, and I began to know the man behind the public facade. He entrusted me with his deepest, darkest secret. Those letters eventually fell into the hands of my son, who set about with the task of writing the true history of Lockhart, in the form he would most have approved of: a highly fictionalized and dramatized novel, that covers his adventures, retirement, and those who would carry on his legacy.

I think he would be proud.

Chapter 1: Banishing the Basilisk

Deep in the highlands of Scotland, the redoubtable halls of Hogwarts echoed with the sounds of a distant train whistle that faded into the distance. House elves appeared, running about and picking up the various forgotten items of the departed students, and setting out a small banquet for the exhausted staff. Through the doors of the Great Hall stumped a man with a stiff leg, leaning on a cane, his crimson lined cloak billowing dramatically behind him. He flashed a smile at the head table, where an exhausted deputy headmistress was already slumped with a glass of firewhiskey.

"Ah, Minerva! Celebrating the departure of the students already?" Gilderoy Lockhart said, hobbling forward and easing himself into a chair. A house elf hurried forward with a stool, and Lockhart groaned as he propped his injured leg upon it.

"Just trying to recuperate," Minerva McGonagall said, straightening up a bit to study Lockhart. "I do have to thank you again, Gilderoy. Why, if you hadn't gone into the Chamber with the Weasleys, I don't know what would have happened to poor Ms. Lovegood."

Twirling his pencil thin blond mustache, Lockhart shrugged. "Well, that is what I am known for, isn't it? I must say, Banishing a Basilisk was one of the more challenging tasks I have been given, but I accomplished it. With the aide of the students, of course. That young Hermione Granger was most helpful, along with the rest of the Weasley clan of course. I think we can expect great things from them."

"Great headaches more like," McGonagal growsed, pouring a glass of whiskey for Lockhart and refilling her own.

Before long the rest of the staff trickled in, along with a scruffy looking man that Professor Dumbledore brought with him.

"Ah, GIlderoy. Still set on departing for Central America are you?" the old headmaster asked.

Lockhart nodded. "Indeed. It has been a most pleasant year here at Hogwarts. Passing on my skills, filling young minds with knowledge. But alas, after facing that beautiful creature, the Supreme Danger Noodle, I once more hear the siren call of adventure. There are rumors of a nest of chupacabras causing havoc in Sonora, Mexico. I aim to put a stop to that at once."

"Well, that is a shame. You have been a tremendous asset for this entire school, Gilderoy," Dumbledore said.

Professor Snape, for his part, muttered "Good riddance to bad rubbish," and glared at Lockhart over the rim of his own goblet.

Lockhart gave Snape a wink. "Still jealous of my glory, Severus? Think you could have bested the Serpent of Slytherin yourself?"

"If you and a bunch of moronic gingers could overcome the thing, I don't see how it could have been a challenge to any competent wizard, Lockhart," Snape snarled.

The scruffy stranger cleared his throat. "Forgive me, Severus, but I have to disagree. A basilisk is a very dangerous creature, perhaps eclipsed only by a nundu in its threat to a wizard one on one. I have examined the corpse myself, and I must say that it has to be the largest on record. The fact that Mr. Lockhart survived with only a minor injury to his leg is nothing short of incredible."

"Hardly credible at all really," Snape muttered, but everyone else ignored him.

"Forgive me sir, but I do not have the pleasure of your acquaintance," Lockhart said, nodding to the stranger. "I would rise and offer to shake your hand, but alas; I cannot."

"Excuse my rudeness, this is Remus Lupin. He's here to take over as our next Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor," Dumbledore explained.

"A pleasure," Lockhart said, smiling amiably. "You've got quite a challenge before you. The students here are nothing if not energetic."

Lupin flushed, and McGonagall suppressed a wicked grin. "I ah, I am aware of the various...antics...that members of the student body get up to, Mr. Lockhart. I am, after all, a Hogwarts alumni myself."

Lockhart nodded amiably. "Class of '82 myself. I think I remember you, now. Gryffindor, right? Friends with that villain Sirius Black and the Potter boy. You were what, four years ahead of me?"

At the mention of Sirius Black, Lupin's face went blank. "Yes, I was aquainted with those gentlemen." Lupin cleared his throat. "I'm afraid I don't remember you from our school days, however. I've read your books, and while I find the accounts somewhat incredible, I must say your work here proves that any doubts I may have had were ill founded. I would love to see your lesson plans."

"I'll have one of the house elves give you a copy of my notes from my office," Lockhart said, taking a sip of whiskey and sighing as he rubbed his still sore leg. "I must confess, however, that my novels are not entirely accurate accounts."

Lupin's eyebrows shot up as most of the rest of the professors chuckled, having already heard this story. Snape, for his part, continued to sulk in the corner. Lockhart was not fond of Snape: his dour expression and lack of good hygiene betrayed his lack of character in the immaculately groomed Lockhart's opinion.

"You see, I write my books not to convey facts, but to tell a good yarn," Lockhart confided. "I've even had to play around with the timeline of events to maintain narrative focus on an individual hunt. Take, for example, Wanderings with Werewolves. The real account of how that particular battle ended was, necessarily, rather gruesome. Would that the homorphus charm did work as I described! It would be a cure for lycanthropy, and save the poor souls afflicted with the disease a great deal of pain."

Lupin flinched at the mention of werewolves, but he nodded. "Yes, I had noticed that. I take it you had to put the poor man down?"

Lockhart nodded sadly. "The poor fool begged me to do it, actually. Initially I resisted, but the book is true in the regard that he was threatening a poor young girl at the time of our final confrontation. It's nearly impossible to subdue a werewolf in a short amount of time without using lethal force. Alas, I was forced to slay him. No wrestling, of course, though I did hit him with a stout branch to drive him away from the girl. I find the ending where he is driven off, confronted with his humanity, to be much more satisfying. The grim reality of the tale is something we could all do without."

"That's a small mercy I am sure his soul is grateful for," Dumbledore said kindly.

Lupin hesitated, then nodded.

Grinning, Lockhart raised his glass. "But let us not dwell on unhappy hunts. My next adventure awaits me, and tonight, I wish to celebrate with you all. For at least in our tale, everyone did go home safely! To happy endings!"

"To happy endings!" everyone cheered, raising their glasses on high.

The next morning, Lockhart put on his traveling cloak, and bid Hogwarts farwell once more.

"Do write to me concerning your exploits in South America," Lupin said, shaking Lockhart's hand at the castle gate. "I'm sure the students will be interested to hear how you deal with those chupacabras."

"Of course, of course! And let me know how the children are coming along," Lockhart said. "I've an especial interest in the Weasleys. They're going to great things, I tell you."

Lupin agreed, and the men parted as friends. Lockhart hoisted his truck, and raised his wand arm. A moment later, the Knight Bus appeared.

"Where to sir?" the drive asked as he stowed Lockhart's traveling chest.

"Plymouth Port, my good man. I'm for the Westfall and the Americas."

The long bus ride did not disturb Lockhart, who spent most of the trip writing furiously despite the jostling. While his parchment ended up somewhat ink spattered, his suit and cloak had impermeable charms and Lockhart was fastidious about keeping his skin free of unseemly blotches.

"Plymouth Port!" the drive called, and Lockhart waved his wand. Storing his pages safely away in his sea chest before grabbing his ivory raven headed cane and hobbling off the bus. He tipped the grateful drive three sickles, and tossed the bus boy and extra for helping Lockhart haul his chest onto the dock.

"One for the Westfall my good fellow," Lockhart told the ticketing agent. "And someone to help me with my chest would be appreciated. Bit of a game leg, you see."

The agent nodded, turning around and yelling, "Oi, boy, get out here and help this man onto the Westfall."

A moment later, a greasy haired youth darted out and struggled with Lockhart's chest, hauling it towards the distant gangplank.

"Here child, a bit of a featherweight charm should help," Lockhart said, waving his wand and causing the chest to float gently in midair.

"Thank you, sir," the boy said, nodding gratefully as he easily tugged the chest towards the ship. He paused, looking up with Lockhart and squinting slightly. "Say, I think I've seen you before."

"I should hope so! For it is none other than I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinaire, who stands before you." Lockhart struck a bit of a pose, hiding the wince as he put a bit too much weight on his still sore leg. Damned basilisk venom. Lockhart's hand went to the small vial inside his jacket, stroking it slightly. Fawkes the Phoenix had been kind enough to fill the vial with tears before Lockhart had departed. A bezoar would have been expensive to obtain, and phoenix tears were even better against poisons and venoms than that little cure all.

"Wow! I heard you was at Hogwarts this year, fought a basilisk with the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters herself!" The boy grinned wickedly and lowered his voice. "Is it true she managed to stun you?"

"Ha! Indeed, rarely have I been overcome by one so young. You see, it was none other than the Dark Lord Voldemort himself who mislead young Miss Granger. He had tricked her and her relatives the Weasleys into believing that it was I who controlled the basilisk by means of possessing their friend, the lovely Ms. Luna Lovegood. They confronted me in the girls lavatory, you see….

Excerpt from Banishing the Basilisk

I had been on the track of the monster for some time. While it had only succeeded in petrifying a cat and two students, I suspected a basilisk the moment that Hagrid's roosters began to mysteriously turn up dead. True, it could have been unrelated, but in my long experience as a gentleman adventurer, I have learned that there is no such thing as a coincidence.

Therefor, I procured additional roosters, and tracked the beast's path through the castle. Based upon the location of its strikes, I deduced that it was using the castles plumbing to attack the poor, unfortunate youths and felines. As such, I investigated the various toilets for the possibility of an opening into the beast's lair, the Chamber of Secrets. I came across the ghost of a young girl named Moaning Myrtle, who confirmed my suspicion: she had been killed by the stare of a great beast.

Now, of course there are other creatures that can kill with a look, the gorgon and cockatrice being the most famous, but as the roosters were going missing and the Chamber was associated with Salazar Slytherin, I gambled that it could be nothing less than a great basilisk, and prepared to strike.

Alas, I was too slow. The Dark Lord conspired to appear to kidnap Ms. Lovegood in an attempt to lure his foes to a final confrontation on his own turf. I hurried to confront the beast, but the Weasleys found me first. The first to strike were Hermione's close companions, Ronald and Harry Weasley. They were young, but cunning. Harry, being a parselmouth himself, called forth an army of deadly vipers while Ronald let fly with a barrage of spells from a tactically advantageous position. I had to hide behind a marble pillar and conjure up a shield while I formulated a plan.

You see, I knew that the Weasley's were innocent, and my students, and I did not wish to harm them. I conjured up a sleeping mist, and let it fly. The serpent's feel asleep, and so too did the first of the Weasley boys.

Not so their elder brothers, the Twin Terrors. They had come prepared for a battle, wearing some odd muggle masks on their faces that repelled my fog. They let loose with bolts of lighting, raining down thunder like Jove from on high. It was a good tactic, but I turned it against them. I transfigured an iron rod to capture the lightning, then destroyed two toilets, flooding the room.

"Give it up boys, it's no good for you to continue!" I called as water filled the room to ankle deep.

The Weasley twins growled. "No! We shall not abandon our friends!"

Once more they struck with lightning. Now, dear reader, if you are familiar with the muggle invention "electricity" you know that water is, in fact, a conductor of such a marvel. I myself am aware, for I have studied the arcane muggle sciences and mastered them in many respects. Lightning is nothing but a bolt of powerful electricity, and I am fascinated daily that muggles have managed to tame such a primal force to use for such mundane things as preparing their daily cup of tea, but I digress. The Weasley's own lightning struck my iron rod once more, which channeled the electricity down into the water, which the Weasley's themselves were standing in. I myself had levitated above the surface, and as such the current arced harmlessly below me. Not so the Twins. They were caught in their own attack, and with a cry they swooned, falling into the water.

Before I could act, two brooms shot into the washroom (Hogwarts washrooms being notoriously cavernous). Astride them were the Weasley Daughters, Hermione and Ginevra. I was caught flat footed as it were, hovering in midair, and was struck with several curses and jinxes. I hastily cast the counters, but I had already been sapped of much of my strength as I vomited up slugs and had painful boils sprout upon my normally immaculate skin.

(My readers will be relieved to know that this caused no permanent harm, thanks to my line of skin cleansing products, Gilderoy's Gentle Gernroot Lotion. Buy it today at your local apothecary)

"Why do you assault me?" I cried to the heavens as more spells rained down upon my weakening shield. "We are both foes of the Dark Lord. We should be allies in this."

"Save your lies for newspapers, Lockhart!" Hermione spat in reply. "I know you've kidnapped my close friend Luna Lovegood, and we shall not rest until both you and your foul monstrosity are paid for your crimes! Your gorgon is no match for me!"

"But it is not-" my reply was cut short by another volley of blasting spells and I was forced to dive out of the way. I returned fire and manage to catch Ginevra's broom with a lucky hit. With a cry, she fell from the sky, but saved herself with well timed feather fall charm. I had no time to pay attention to the girl, for Hermione had landed and struck a duelists pose.

Winded and wounded as I was, I nonetheless raised my own wand in salute. We exchanged bows, and the the duel began.

For one so young, Hermione showed the acumen that can only come with experience, and immediately conjured a shield and dodged out of the way even as she fired off a series of tricky jinxes and hexes, many of which I myself had taught her.

"You taught me well, Professor Lockhart. When I entered into your classroom, I was but a student. Now, however, you will find that I am the master, and you but the learner."

I dodged out of the way of Hermione's spells, splashing in the water as I did so.

"I taught you well, my young apprentice. However, you still have much to learn." I fired back my own barrage of spells, and Hermione's shield shattered under the blows. She dodged behind a stall door, fired off another spell, and then went silent.

I waded forward, keeping my shield raised. I looked into the stall, finding Hermione in a defensive stance.

"Surrender, young lady. I have you cornered."

"No," a voice behind me said. "It is we who have cornered you."

I spun and fired off a stunning spell, taking Ginevra in the chest. Unfortunately, I had turned my back upon my most dangerous foe. There was a loud cry and the water vaporized as my shield shattered, and I knew no more for a time.

Some while later, I jerked back to consciousness in a dimly lit cave, overgrown with moss and lichen. Above me hovered the pale face of Harry Weasley.

"Professor, Professor we were wrong! It wasn't you who kidnapped Ginny and stunned our brother Percy and his girlfriend! It was Lord Voldemort all along!"

I groaned and sat up, finding Hermione being tended to by Ginevra and Ron, having already been wounded in her battle against the Dark Lord and his servant. She struggled up, blinking away blood. "A basilisk! That fool has a basilisk, and is controlling Luna with some sort of dark artefact. Please, Professor. I know we just fought, but Luna is our friend. You must save her."

I came to my trembling legs, and took a deep breath. Calming myself, I tore a strip of fabric from my cape and tied it about Harry's eyes, then did the same for myself.

"What is this for?" Harry asked, adjusting the blindfold.

"As a parselmouth, you must accompany me and tell me what serpent says," I told the boy. "I will battle the beast, but I would parlay with it first."

Together, we made our way blindly forward through the cavern, until I heard a low hissing before us.

"Child of the Raven, why have you come here," Harry translated for me.

"I seek one of my own," I replied. "The young girl you have taken. Your lord has no right to her: she must be returned."

The serpent laughed. "My lord required the body of the poor girl, and she gives it willingly! You have no claim on her, fool. Depart, lest you face my wrath! I am the Supreme Danger Noodle, the Serpent of Slytherin! None may face my wrath and live."

I raised my wand and gritted my teeth. "You shall not have her. If we must fight, so be it!"

The serpent let out a roar, and I shoved Harry backwards as I conjured a wall of flame. The basilisk hissed in surprise, but Harry continued to translate for me.

"Flame? You think a little fire will stop me, little man? I am Supreme!"

I could hear the serpent racing forward, and used a gust of wind to launch myself down the passage, away from the students and towards the serpent. However, in my blindness I misaimed, and I felt a sharp pain in my leg. I groaned, feeling the venom course through my veins: I did not have much time.

Hurriedly, I transfigured some nearby moss into swords, and hurled then back at the basilisk with a banishing charm. The serpent shrieked in agony, and I tumbled to the ground from my flight through the air. I conjured a wall of smoke, sweating as I did so and grunting in agony.

"Foolish landwalker, now I shall feast upon your bones!"

"Not today," I muttered.

I quickly transfigured the nearby stone into a body much like mine, except at its heart was a vial of dragonfire. I then rolled into a nearby hollow, and waited, trying to slow the course of the venom in my veins by reducing my heart rate via the meditative techniques I learned while hunting a yeti in Nepal (you can read about this in my novel, Year With a Yeti). I heard the serpent's hiss of triumph as it ate me, and smiled.

"You lose," I called.

"What-" there was a massive blast of heat and pressure, and I flinched as gore rained down on me. A moment later, Harry was at my side. He pulled the fang from my leg, weeping as he did so.

"Bezoar, left pocket," I wheezed.

Harry hastily retrieved it and brought the panacea to my lips. I swallowed, and sighed as the venom left my body.

"Help me up," I ordered, and Harry lifted me to my feet. I took the blindfold from my eyes, and retrieved the basilisk fang. "Come, our work here is not done."

Together, we stumbled forward, reaching a large chamber with an eerie green glow and a lake at the center. Above the waters, hanging suspended in midair was none other than Luna Lovegood.

"Well, I see that you have made it past my basilisk," Luna sneered in a voice far too deep for a delicate young lady such as herself. "A pity. I was fond of Danger Noodle. Still, I am not surprised. Even she would have been no match for the likes of the Legendary Gilderoy Lockhart."

"I was a fool for not returning to England to put a stop to you before, Voldemort!" I called. "This time, I will make no such mistake."

Voldemort laughed, rolling Luna's eyes back in her head. "Ha! You are too late, little man. Already I have begun the ritual to create a new body. See, already it forms as I drain the essence from this pathetic girls shell."

"No!" Harry cried. "No, it can't be!"

But it could. Before the lake a body was coalescing, mystical symbols floating in the air around it. I passed Harry the basilisk fang. "Stab the body, Harry. Right in the middle. There has to be some anchor to hold the Dark Lord here."

Harry nodded and hurried forward, standing over the body. He took a deep breath, then plunged the fang into the chest cavity.

"NooooOO!" Luna shrieked, as the body vanished and a book appeared. Harry stabbed the book again, driving the fang deep within as blood like ink erupted from it.

An eerie wailing filled the air, as Luna fell into the lake, and Harry was flung back by a burst of magic as a serpent like specter rose out of the diary.

"Fools! You have destroyed the vessel, but I shall return! Nothing can stop Lord Voldemort, not even death!" With that, the serpent flew into the ceiling and vanished.

For his party, Harry scrambled forward and hurled himself into the lake, disappearing beneath its dark surface. For my part, I crawled forward, trying to discern what had happened. Time passed, and I feared for both children. Just as I was losing all hope, Harry resurfaced, carrying the unconscious body of Luna. He laid her out on the shore, and gave her the Kiss of Life. With a gasp, Luna's eyes fluttered open.

"Harry? You saved me!"

"I couldn't have done it without Professor Lockhart," Harry said, holding Luna's hands between his own. "He's an extraordinary monster hunter."

End excerpt.

On the deck of the ship, the boy's eyes were wide as he stared up at Lockhart. "Is that all true? Did you really defeat a basilisk blindfolded and help destroy part of Lord Voldemort?"

"Every word of it," Lockhart said seriously. "Though perhaps I did take a bit of creative liberty with the small details."

"Wow, I'd best be getting back then," the boy said, hopping off the trunk. He turned, and gasped.

As they had been talking, the Westfall has set sail, and Plymouth was now a distant blot on the horizon.

"No! I can't… I'm not supposed to go to America! I have to get home to my mum!"

Lockhart clapped the lad on the shoulder. "Never fear, Lockhart is here! We'll get you home safe eventually lad. After a suitably epic adventure, of course. Ever hunted a chupacabra?"

The boy suddenly brightened. "No, but that would be famous. Can I really come with you?"

Lockhart nodded and grinned. "Of course! I've always wanted a spunky young sidekick. What was your name, lad?"

"Millhouse sir, Millhouse Manastorm."

Lockhart knelt down and put his arm around Millhouse's shoulders, using his other hand to point towards the distant horizon. "Well Millhouse my land, one day you'll tell your grandchildren that you went on an adventure with the famous Gilderoy Lockhart, and that you too are a Monster Hunter Extraordinaire!"

Teddy Lupin's Author's Note:

I have it on good authority from Hermione and the other Weasleys that the confrontation in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom was far less epic and destructive than what was presented here. However, I have chosen to simply present the tale as Lockhart himself put it forth, somewhat abridged so that it would fit within my own novel. Banishing the Basilisk is a highly entertaining read, and one of the bedtime stories I most treasured as a child. While I cannot swear as to its veracity, it's standing as a work of fiction is indisputable: it is one of the very best.

I would note that to this day, Milhouse's mother maintains that he was kidnapped. For his part, Milhouse claims to have gone willingly. I will leave it up to my readers to decide which is the true tale.