Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year.

“It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang out in other areas, like the benches at Market and 7th, or across the street from Warehouse Row at 12th and Market.”

“We’re ready to take over Miller Park, to share our vivid stories of misfortune,” said McGooligan. “It’s Miller time!”