Welp folks, I’m now a Made Man in the depraved and hilarious world of American Pop Culture–the only World that really matters in this country. Andrew Breitbart, the Brentwood-born West Hollywood princeling, has officially anointed me “Important Enough To Hate.” And as far as I can tell there are only two types of people fighting against the human hagfish who dominate this country: Those important enough to be hated by Andrew Breitbart and others in the right-wing media elites, and those we never hear about. Hey folks, I don’t make the rules here. Wish I did; wish I could be the guy who decides whether or not those Bircher fantasies about leftwing Stalin GULAGs were turned into reality—but unfortunately, I’m just a guy with a pretty face, and no power–until today, that is, when Andrew Breitbart titled me.

Andrew Breitbart’s attack on me is his way of saying, “Hey, Mark Ames, I don’t like your devastating exposes on the billionaires whose shoes I shine with my tongue, and with pleasure too!” But it’s also more than that. See, when it comes to investigative journalism and having an editor’s nose for “The Story,” Andrew Breitbart can run with the best of ’em. Which is exactly why he sicced his ace cub reporter on perhaps the greatest unsolved mystery of our time: “Who Is Johnny Chen?”

BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!

Okay, shit, I’m sorry, but just typing that last bit has me literally bursting out laughing every time. I can’t help it folks. I mean seriously, is Andrew Breitbart tickling my underarms on purpose with this “Johnny Chen Exposed!” or does he actually mean it? Because as I’m typing this out on my flight to Denver now, I realize I can’t stop laughing every time I retype that Johnny Chen scoop that Andrew Breitbart put his top cub reporter on.

The “Johnny Chen” Scoop: Comix character, or Mark Ames pseudonym in a vast conspiracy to undermine the Koch brothers and capitalism? See Breitbart for details…

For those of you not familiar with The eXile, a brief explanation on the great mysterious Johnny Chen, our Moscow newspaper’s notorious Asian-American club reviewer. Chen embodied the rank essence of the American “aid” mission in Russia during the 1990’s: by day, a vastly overpaid “consultant” preaching disastrous free-market neoliberal advice to Yeltsin’s gang, all paid for by USAID and World Bank funds…by night, Chen unleashed the Moscow expat version of Col. Kurtz: A drunken, drugged-up rape-mad invader the likes of which hadn’t been seen in Russia since the days of Genghis Khan and the Golden Horde. Chen was the perfect representation of the West’s rapacious mission in Russia…and for that, he became a lightening rod for Clinton Administration attacks on The eXile, to discredit our exposes on all the corruption involving Harvard, Soros, USAID, and Larry Summers’ crew. Johnny Chen was the excuse used by Michael McFaul to censor and marginalize The eXile; you may know McFaul today as Obama’s pick to be the US ambassador to Russia.

Andrew Breitbart, George Soros and Clintonites agree: Johnny Chen must be exposed!

I’d always assumed that the Johnny Chen character was only a problem among the politically-correct Clinton crowd, but Andrew Breitbart has just proven me wrong about the hagfish, again. You forget that hagfish like Breitbart are humor-handicapped, which is what happens when you spend your waking hours gnawing on carrion and puking up slime.

Anyway, read it for yourself folks: Bretibart has sub-contracted out a Harvard Law School grad and failed Republican Tea Party candidate for Congress last year to solve the darkest conspiracy mystery since the JFK assassination: “Who was Johnny Chen?”

Here’s the email I got yesterday, from Teafailure Joel B. Pollak:

Dear Mr. Ames, I’m doing a story for BigGovernment.com on your role in crafting the Koch brothers meme. I tried calling the number on the website, but could not get hold of you. I would like to ask you the following questions: 1. Before you ran your original Koch brothers story on Santelli’s rant, did you try to contact any of the people or institutions that you and Levine named as part of the conspiracy in your original story (e.g. Santelli, Odom)? Which ones? 2. In your book about the eXile, you recount many of your experiences with sex, drugs, etc. — are all of these true? 3. Owen Matthews has alleged that you wrote as “Johnny Chen”–is that true? 4. What made you focus on the Koch brothers in particular? 5. You’ve targeted “oligarchs,” in the U.S. and in Russia–why not target public-sector unions and their cozy relationship with big government? I’m on deadline, so if you could kindly provide some answers to me by this evening, I’d appreciate that. Thanks for your help. Joel Pollak Breitbart.com, LLC 149 S. Barrington Avenue, #401 Los Angeles, California 90049

I got that email and thought, “They’re onto me! Elizabeth! I’m comin’, ‘Lizabeth!” If they’ve solved the Johnny Chen Conspiracy, then it’s curtains for me, folks! I mean, what’ll Breitbart’s cub reporters expose next? That I’m also the guy behind Stuart Pratt, the bearded Canadian eco-feminist club reviewer? And Denis Salnikov, the snobby bisexual Russian nationalist?

Terrified, I had the eXiled’s unpaid, much-abused intern-slave email back the following reply:

Dear Mr JOEL B. POLLAK, Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of fan mail to Mr. Ames, please allow 4-6 weeks for a reply. Furthermore, I am under strict instructions from Mr. Ames that he only responds to Tea Party Republicans who actually won their elections, and not to respond to any queries from, as Mr. Ames put it, “Tea Party backwash, by which I mean those Republican C-list failures who got their asses handed to them in the 2010 election. I grant you, there are almost no Tea Party Republicans who actually got their sorry asses handed to them by liberals in the elections, so thankfully the list is small.” However, my boss Mr. Ames would be willing to answer queries from your boss Mr Andrew Breitbats, or from someone on the level of a Mr Charles Koch, should Mr Charles Koch be interested in discovering how Mr. Ames and Mr. Levine broke the Tea Party story before anyone else. Regards, Vikram S. Khemka Assistant to Mr. Mark Ames

Sorry, I should take this more seriously, I know. I should be grateful to my new VIP peer Andrew Breitbart for making me all famous ‘n’ stuff, and doing it the most unintentionally-comical way possible. So thank you Andrew Breitbart, for hiring a goggle-eyed freak named Joel B. Pollak to carry out this flaccid character-assassination on me [Hint: when trying to character-assassinate, don’t give so much unintended praise about how I’d broken the Koch-Tea Party story, try and minimize what a fucking god I am–I mean, this ranks up there with the 10-page Vanity Fair feature on me, and it really shouldn’t, it should be bad publicity, not good…you’ll figure it out some day, champ!]. And thanks to Breitbart, the hit-piece was served on a bed of pure comedy gold. I thank Thee, Yahweh—or if not Thee, then Baal, or Darwin, whichever god put the idea in Breitbart’s head that the key to destroying Mark Ames was to be found in the “Who Is Johnny Chen?” riddle.

Ever since the Kremlin shut my newspaper down and sent me fleeing back to the USA in 2008, I’ve spent these past three years doing everything humanly possible to raise my bounty among the Breitbart A-list hagfish. Sort of like that Bugs Bunny episode I used to love, when Bugs got so angry over the fact that the bounty on rabbits was a mere two cents that he sawed off Florida from the mainland, and swiped the Panama Canal’s locks… Worked for Bugs, he got famous; now, thanks to Andrew Breitbart, it’s worked for me too.

Things are going to get fun here, finally. From now on, it’s me against Andrew Breitbart. Mano a Hollywood-elite-Mano.

Mark Ames: “I can’t wait to be that guy in the glasses!”

And I gotta admit folks, I’m excited about this. Andrew is quite a guy! For example, I’ve heard from Andrews’ close friends stories about Andrew’s awesome life-changing epiphany he experienced during a Cure concert. Yes folks, it’s true: according to a mutual friend of Andrew’s and mine (see, we’re both part of the Cultural Elite now), before Breitbart became the puffy-faced Koch-fiend that he is today, a younger, less puffy-faced Andrew Breitbart regaled his pals with his story about his Great Moment: it came during a Cure concert—you know, that band with the whiny singer who attracted all the chubby girls and depressed drama students? So far I haven’t figured out if Andrew’s life changed during the Cure hit “Boys Don’t Cry” or “Killing An Arab” but I’ll do my best to get to the bottom of this, folks. If you’re wondering “Can Mark Ames go toe to toe with the media titan who blew open the “Who Is Johnny Chen?” conspiracy,” there’s your answer, America.

Now, as much fun as we’re having here, I do have one complaint to lodge. This is me talking now to you, Andrew Breitbart, from one member of the Cultural Elite to another: Did you really have to subcontract out the “Ames Hit Job” to a colossal loser like “Joel. B. Pollak”? That really wasn’t nice, Andrew. I mean really, this guy Joel B. Pollak is a LOSER.

Joel B. Pollak: From Harvard Law ’99* to chasing the Johnny Chen story in 2011, you’ve come a long way, baby!

He has the distinction of being just about the only Tea Party Republican candidate for Congress who got his sorry right-wing ass handed to him in the 2010 election. By a Pelosi-Democrat, no less! How he lost, no one knows—it’s a mystery right up there with the “Who Is Johnny Chen?” conundrum. Did you put this loser on the “Ames Hit” job on purpose, just to humiliate me? Because if you did, I’ll be honest, it worked. Seriously, how the fuck did this Joel B. Pollak manage the impossible and get his teabagger ass slaughtered by a liberal Nancy Pelosi-like Democrat, Jan Schakowsky, an appeaser to Islamofascism if there ever was one. Even more embarrassing for Joel B. Pollak is that the Jews in his district rejected him even more thoroughly than the goys rejected him–65% of Pollak’s district’s Jews voted for Schakowsky. That oughta sting real bad-like, seein’ as Joel B. Pollak based his entire dirty campaign on 2010 as a referendum on which candidate was more pro-Israeli: appeaser-liberal-Islamofasc-symp Schakowsky, or the goggle-eyed freak from South Africa, Joel B. Pollak:

Republican challenger Joel Pollak attacked Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky repeatedly over Israel and her affiliation with J Street — and the attacks did not work, and in some cases backfired with Jewish voters in the district. Rep. Schakowsky won reelection with 65% of the vote. Among Jewish voters who had voted for Congresswoman Schakowsky in 2008, 46% were more likely to cast their vote for Schakowsky again after hearing the attacks and 40% said the attacks made no difference.

Ouch! It’s one thing if the goyim don’t support you, but to be soundly rejected by your own people in the easiest-to-win election in the history of the Republic–folks, in the annals of electoral loserdom, Joel B. Pollak wins the loser-gold! I’d compare him to another Jew rejected by his people, but then that’d make Pollak, you know, Jesus-like, and as one Tribester to another, frankly, I draw a line in the sand at comparing-rejected-Jews-to-Jesus jokes. But seriously, how the fuck did Joel B. Pollak lose?! The Tea Party could’ve run plankton against a liberal Democrat in the 2010 elections and still win. In fact, the Tea Party did run plankton in district after district, and plankton won every time. If plankton won, what does that make Joel B. Plankton, Teabag loser extraordinaire? A sea sponge?

Seriously, every single one of those mutants in the Tea Party won in last November’s election—all you had to do was screech some unintelligible gibberish, foam at the mouth for the cameras a bit, and you were on the next flight to Capitol Hill, carrying out the Koch Brothers’ orders to a “T.” Every horrible amalgamation of organic matter that the Tea Party could scrape off the ocean floor vents won their 2010 election—except for the guy that Breitbart sicced on me: Joel B. Pollak. (I hear that the other Tea Partiers were telling “Pollak” jokes last November, it begins something like, “Q: How many Pollaks does it take to fuck up the easiest 2010 Tea Party election victory ever handed to him?” Or: “Hey Joel B. Pollak, you just got completely trounced in the election by a Pelosi-Democrat Islamofascist appeaser, what’re you gonna do now?” “I’m gonna become a Mark Ames fanboy and solve the Johnny Chen conspiracy!” Ah well, you had to be there, I guess—had ‘em rollin’ in Peoria…)

“Yeah, I lost!” Joel B. Pollak does a Howard Dean loser-arm-pump after getting laughed out of the election race by Jewish voters

So I take it as a personal sleight, Andrew Breitbart. You scraped the bottom of your goon-barrel for your hit-job on me, and in doing so, I have to tell you, you have shown me disrespect.

Moreover, Andrew sicced this Joel B. Pollak at the very nadir of his long downhill career-slide. Just a few years ago, Joel B. Pollak was a guy who was going places. An apartheid-baby born in South Africa the same year that anti-apartheid martyr Stephen Biko was tortured to death by white South African interrogators, Joel B. Pollak must have been so deeply affected by his close experience with apartheid’s racist, fascist violence that we must speculate that he vowed to himself, “One day, I, Joel B. Pollak, will work for Andrew Breitbart and I will finally discover the answer to the question, ‘Who was Johnny Chen, club reviewer for The eXile?’”

But it didn’t have to be that way: There was a time when Joel B. Pollak almost had a future he could be proud of, a future where he didn’t scour the Internet as the “Johnny Chen” sleuth-for-hire. Joel B. Pollak was once a Harvard Law school grad, class of ’99*. Guys from Harvard go on to big things. Some of them even become presidents (albeit Islamofascist presidents). Some of them become Alan Dershowitz. And one of them, Joel B. Pollak, poured coffee for Alan Dershowitz, “possibly the best coffee-pourer I’ve worked with in decades, a man who understands the meaning of the word ‘Fetch, boy!’” As a class of ’99* Harvard Law School grad, Joel could have become anything or anyone, like his fellow alumni. Joel B. Pollak had the world in his hands right up until last November’s elections, but alas, he flubbed it like the Bill Buckner of the Tea Party, as the ball of certain-victory spun through his buttery mit. (Why bother with a good analogy if Breitbart throws this clown at me?) Maybe it’s because Joel B. Pollak is not so much plankton or sea sponge as he is something far more horrifying, one of those grotesque HP Lovecraft creatures from the deep deep oceans: I mean look at those freakish goggle-eyes of his. Could this be why Illinois voters canned him?

And so Joel B. Pollak’s bright future went over a darkened cliff into the foul cauldron of sitcom villainy: From Harvard Law grad, to colossal failure as a Tea Party Republican candidate for Congress, to this, the very lowest imaginable fate of all—Breitbart’s ace sleuth hot on the trail of the great “Who Is Johnny Chen?” mystery… I don’t say this often, but “Joel B. Pollak, you’ve come a long way, baby!”

Update: Ace Reporter Joel B. Pollak Unleashes Hi-Tech “Proxy” Weaponry On Mark Ames! Click Here For Details!

* = Reader informs us that Joel B. Pollak graduated from Harvard undergrad in 1999, and graduated from Harvard Law School some other year. We would take the time to correct this, but frankly, we don’t really give a shit.

Would you like to know more? Read “Breitbart Hijinx Update: Ace Reporter Joel B. Pollak Knows What A ‘Proxy’ Is.” For more background, read “Jim Goad and Gavin McInnes Beg Mark Ames: ‘Answer Me, Please?'” Also read “KKKat Fight! White Power Fashionista John Galliano VS. White Power Fashionista Gavin McInnes.”

Mark Ames is the author of Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion from Reagan’s Workplaces to Clinton’s Columbine.

Click the cover & buy the book!