When he wasn't vilifying immigrants or leading his supporters in "lock her up" chants during the 2016 campaign, then-Candidate Trump was touting his own skills as an Artful Dealmaker to fix our trade agreements, which are very unfair. We're getting killed by Mexico, you see. We're getting "raped" by China.

So far, however, the actions of President Business Deals have been limited to abandoning the Trans-Pacific Partnership and renegotiating a trade pact with South Korea. His threats to scrap NAFTA have mostly come up empty, though he did announce some steel and aluminum tariffs that would be a headache for Canada.

(When Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau came to see Trump and told him the U.S. does not actually have a trade deficit with his country, Trump insisted they did just to mess with Trudeau—then bragged about it later while acknowledging he actually had no idea what the truth was. You know, presidential stuff.)

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But now it's time to take on China, the great enemy. Trump announced Tuesday that the U.S. planned to levy tariffs to the tune of $50 billion on Chinese products that include "robotics, information technology, communication technology and aerospace." China responded Wednesday with $50 billion in tariffs on 106 different U.S. products, including cars, chemicals, and soy. This immediately sparked fears that the situation would escalate to a full-on trade war, and global markets responded in disastrous fashion:

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Current snapshot of world equity markets - red is BAD - getting crushed by Trump/China tariffs. U.S. will turn deep shade of scarlet as soon as markets open. pic.twitter.com/BD0LPWJIb9 — Joshua Green (@JoshuaGreen) April 4, 2018

Dow futures in the U.S. plummeted over 500 points before Wednesday's bell. Luckily, we have a calm, adult president who made money in business. He'll know what to do:

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We are not in a trade war with China, that war was lost many years ago by the foolish, or incompetent, people who represented the U.S. Now we have a Trade Deficit of $500 Billion a year, with Intellectual Property Theft of another $300 Billion. We cannot let this continue! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 4, 2018

We already lost the trade war? But wait—I thought they were good and easy to win?

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When a country (USA) is losing many billions of dollars on trade with virtually every country it does business with, trade wars are good, and easy to win. Example, when we are down $100 billion with a certain country and they get cute, don’t trade anymore-we win big. It’s easy! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 2, 2018

It's almost like he has no idea what he's talking about, but really likes to say "billion" and "China." Not convinced? Here's a follow-up statement from the President of the United States:

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When you’re already $500 Billion DOWN, you can’t lose! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 4, 2018

By the way, the trade deficit with China is $375 billion. No one at the White House will say where the $500 billion figure is coming from. His new chief economic adviser says he's "not sure what exactly [Trump]'s referring to." When you believe anything you say is true if enough people believe it, it doesn't matter. You can say anything. But let's have it in a more official format, to drive home the presidentiality of it all:

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A statement by the President: pic.twitter.com/zbK9GvIlB9 — Alt Real Press Sec Bot (@RealPressSecBot) April 4, 2018

Trump's program is essentially that everyone who came before him was a moron, but he is a business genius. He Alone Can Fix It—unless it's your 401(k).

Jack Holmes Politics Editor Jack Holmes is the Politics Editor at Esquire, where he writes daily and edits the Politics Blog with Charles P Pierce.

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