NEW YORK CITY — The National Football League released a study earlier today highlighting the risk of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), or concussions in the high octane, action-packed sport of keijo.

Concern about concussions and how they are handled by the NFL have been plaguing the league in the last several years, incidents involving player suicides, suppression of medical records, and weak concussion protocols have put the league under increasing scrutiny. This groundbreaking study commissioned by the NFL fires back at the controversy, noting that the risk for concussions is in fact more significant in keijo.

“Our research confirms that keijo, a sport where women try to knock each other off platforms using their breasts and buttocks, poses a significant threat of serious concussions to their competitors — even more of a threat than football,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the media this afternoon. “So the next time concussion stuff comes up, remember that we are at least safer than keijo.”

Goodell then elaborated on the importance of young children signing up to play football over keijo, citing safety concerns. He specifically pointed out Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, who abandoned a lucrative keijo career for the safety of playing professional football.

At the conclusion of the press conference, Goodell warned of the potential concussion risks in mahjong, table tennis, and magical trading card games.

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