Watch the video: https://youtu.be/8EJ3zbKTWQ8

I never felt like there was such a Christmas crime as to release a song trailer for Justin Bieber’s new jam “Yummy.” Since I had time to prepare for this here is a special music review of the hot new song. Yay…

So as snarky as I was, I don’t necessarily hate Justin Bieber. I grew up during the hate-day of him when he was a 16 year old baby (ha pun). I didn’t like him then, and still don’t like those songs, but never hated him his stuff just wasn’t for me. As he grew into an adult I found him to be passable. He had some okay songs I’d say I’d like (I wouldn’t change the song if they came on). That’s all to say that Yummy is shockingly bad.

To be clever, this song is not yummy. To be nice I would say that it is an obvious song. To be mean (and how I feel) it is a repetitive, gross, obnoxious piece of stale taffy that was left in a pile of dried animal droppings (that might be too mean).

To be blunt it is about a woman Justin is with who just so happens to have the “Yummy.” With it being a Justin Bieber R&B song it is not subtle that “yummy” is that is it not yummy to the ears.

The beat and lyrics are repetitive. It has the same faux-tropical beat with obnoxious auto-tune singing about this girl that sounds like a mix of a clarinet and bad drum kit trying to romance a kickstand.

The song is actually about his wife and how steamy or sexy their relationship is. We’ll work with the premise that, that is a good idea and just say that it’s executed badly. He does not go in any depth about how great this woman happens to be in bed. We just get the vagueness that she has the yummy and make his toes curl, all the stuff. That is not hot. It also does not sound like the song and lyric videos think it should. It should sound like bubblegum and candy, some real Lovefool stuff. I should be wanting to pull the cotton candy out of my eardrums, not turning it off. It should not be this stale drum kit and overused tropical mix.

If we were to say this was a bad idea it is just gross. There are a lot of ways to describe sex and sexiness. This song feels like an inside joke between him and his wife that he thought would make a good song. If that joke works for them, cool. But giving it a full production and letting everyone listen to it was a mistake.

The video for this inside joke made manifest fits the song by being bad. A song about his wife is instead Justin sitting and eating food with a bunch of random people at a fancy restaurant. He also randomly does either meme dances, or dances he wants to be memes. Those always pass by so quickly it’s hard to tell. The video even does the music video sin of changing the mix to put in additional sounds and I did not mind. It’s dumb, pointless fluff that matches the song in that specific, thematic way.

This may come as a surprise, but I had to learn to love a majority (easy to say when I’m still in single digit reviews) of the songs I’ve reviewed. Most of them I thought we’re fine until I started to really dig into them. This on the other hand… yeesh! The only thing sweet or yummy about this song is that it’s like cotton candy. It has absolutely no substance, and dissolves out of your system easily. Another way to say it is that it’s completely forgettable.