The good news is that the actor is doggedly pursuing Donald Trump. The bad news is that, if his hunt comes to nothing, he could go down in history as a high-profile conspiracy theorist

Tom Arnold is the US president’s No 1 adversary. But can he find the Trump tapes?

Name: Tom Arnold

Age: 59

Appearance: Potential Trump destroyer

Tom Arnold from True Lies? Yes, and Nine Months. And Coneheads. And two different action films starring the rapper DMX.

Oh, the Cradle 2 the Grave guy. So what exactly does he have on Trump? Well, in December 2016, Arnold said: “I have the outtakes to The Apprentice where he says every bad thing ever, every offensive, racist thing ever. I have that.”

I can’t wait to see those tapes. We all want to see them. Footage of Donald Trump using the N-word would be seismic. It would be Pussygate times 10. It would permanently damage, and maybe even end, his presidency.

I know! So where are the tapes? It’s complicated.

He doesn’t have them, does he? The bad news is no, he doesn’t. According to a new Rolling Stone interview, Tom Arnold says that the N-word tape was just an online link, and the video has since expired.

Is there good news? Yes! Tom Arnold is looking for the tapes, and the results of his investigation will be revealed on next month’s Viceland TV documentary series The Hunt for the Trump Tapes With Tom Arnold.

So you mean that to watch the tapes I have to watch a reality show? And it’s probably best to assume that he doesn’t have the tapes. Arnold probaly couldn’t sit on evidence like that for a whole month.

Still, at least he’s looking. Oh, he’s looking alright. He has fallen down a rabbit hole of impenetrably knotty conspiracy in the process, though. The best line from the Rolling Stone interview comes when writer Brian Hiatt reports: “‘I figured out who ‘Q’ is!” [Arnold] tells me in August, launching into a theory I don’t understand at all.’”

This all sounds very confused. Do the tapes even exist? The N-word tape probably exists. Arnold says he’s seen it. Apprentice producer Bill Pruitt says he’s seen it. Omarosa Manigault Newman says she’s heard it.

But can Tom Arnold actually get his hands on it? Let’s hope so, for his sake. If this hunt comes to nothing, Arnold will go down in history as a high-profile conspiracy theorist who used a handful of unverified claims to amplify his own career.

But if he gets them? He’ll be known as the man who took down a president. Which, if nothing else, might distract people from the fact that he used to be married to Roseanne Barr.

Oh yes, I’d forgotten about that. Listen, if anyone can form unhealthily antagonistic personal relationships with people who have posted racist tweets, it’s Arnold.

Do say: “The Trump tapes are potentially the most important work of Tom Arnold’s career.”

Don’t say: “But the bar wasn’t set terribly high in the first place.”