Opinion

Statistics don't tell Houston's story

The Houston skyline can be intimidating, but stick around - it's not as scary as it looks. The Houston skyline can be intimidating, but stick around - it's not as scary as it looks. Photo: George Doyle Photo: George Doyle Image 1 of / 1 Caption Close Statistics don't tell Houston's story 1 / 1 Back to Gallery

The temperature aside - my car's thermometer hit 109 the other day - Forbes magazine says Houston is the No. 1 …

… Coolest City in America.

Thanks, Forbes. We'd get excited and jump up and down, except Men's Fitness magazine also ranks us No. 1 for Fattest City in America, and it's hard to get our lard butts off the ground.

Both polls are silly, of course. They're based on criteria like the number of convenience stores, restaurants, softball fields and art galleries per person. Basing these polls on far-fetched statistics is one step down from fantasy football.

Great … nerds think we're cool.

I've already answered Men's Fitness' claim that we're Porky Pigs. The magazine is nuts.

Houston … fat? Ridiculous. Go to Memorial Park at 6 a.m. There's a traffic jam of runners. Our night clubs are packed with Beautiful People. The liposuction clinic had to add a third shift. Houston has the best strip clubs in the world, and they ain't hiring Roseanne for Stage No. 3.

Here's the thing about Forbes calling us the Coolest City in America.

Despite all its mumbo-jumbo criteria - statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics and something called Moody's Analytics - Forbes got it right.

Houston is the Coolest City.

Forbes just went about it the wrong way. Houston isn't cool because we had 2.6 percent job growth last year, although that's something to brag about. Houston isn't cool because we have pro-business policies. Houston isn't cool because we have "X amount" of art galleries.

That's like saying Fonzie was cool because he wore a leather jacket.

Put that same leather jacket on Potsie and Potsie's still a geek. Or lipstick on a pig or however that goes.

Being cool isn't a statistic.

Being cool is an attitude.

And Houston has plenty of attitude.

Here's really what makes Houston cool, in my opinion and experience:

Fit right in

I moved to Houston in 1986. I was working for the afternoon paper in Phoenix, and I had a creeping feeling that it might shut down. I didn't want to work in a one-paper city. I like competition. So I came to Houston.

Maybe I should start this story a different way.

I reached Houston at night, driving past downtown on Interstate 10. Man, that skyline intimidated me. Phoenix didn't have a downtown. This was going to be my first big job at a big newspaper in a big city. What if the readers didn't like my stuff?

I was doing fine in Phoenix. Competition is overrated.

I remember thinking, am I going to have to change? Am I going to have to learn how to write Texan?

I didn't change anything. That's part of what makes Houston cool. You can come here and stay yourself and fit right in.

It takes time to know Houston

My liberal buddies in Jersey sometimes ask, "How can you live in that redneck swill?" (My friends are idiots, by the way.)

But it's true, when Houston holds a major event, like a Super Bowl or World Series, reporters from across the country paint Houston as a hillbilly hellhole.

They spend two days here and know everything about Houston. Meanwhile, I'm still learning about this place.

Here's what I tell those reporters: "A hillbilly hellhole? Our mayor is an openly gay woman, and she wins re-election by a margin that makes Hugo Chavez scratch his head. Our City Council looks like the cast from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' and I say that with apologies to the cast of 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.' Houston is such a hellhole that people are moving here by the thousands to find work and second chances and new lives. Now go back to Buffalo. I hear Ace Hardware has a Memorial Day sale on snow shovels."

Houston is cool because whoever or whatever you are, you're welcome here. The first two years I lived here, I was burning out the copy machine at Kinko's applying for jobs anywhere else. Now I wouldn't leave here for anything. Houston takes some time learning your way around. One tip: It doesn't matter where you're going … take Westpark.

Where better to get better?

When a congresswoman got her head half blown off, she came to Houston to get better. When Middle East oil sheiks need surgery, they come to Houston. We have the best medical facilities in the world. I didn't think that was cool until I was run over by a lunatic in a van and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

I still have no idea what hospital I was taken to. But they fixed me up. That was cool.

Ambulances are stuffy, by the way. Plus, when they put you on a stretcher, they pull the straps too tight. I was begging them to drop me off at Holcombe and Kirby. I'll walk the rest of the way.

Personal note: I didn't appreciate hearing my neighbor Lisa Hardee asking the ambulance driver if I was dead. Not cool.

We're in this together

And please stop talking about Houston's "diversity." The only thing the word "diversity" does is separate people. Sure, we have ethnic neighborhoods; those are good for a city. It helps in picking a restaurant.

I've never seen a city where people blend more gracefully than Houston.

I send my son to an HISD public school, Lamar High School, which is 27.4 percent African-American, 35.4 percent Hispanic and 31.6 percent white, and a few percent everything else. Some students live in River Oaks mansions. About half the students are categorized as "economically disadvantaged." I looked up those numbers, but I didn't have to. I can tell from visiting Lamar, because my son forgot his … you name it, he's forgotten it.

It's a great school. My son plays for the baseball team. Right in the heart of Houston - you can see the downtown skyline over the centerfield fence - Lamar High School has the prettiest baseball field I've ever seen. Every day after practice, the freshman team rakes and sweeps that diamond like it's Kim Kardashian getting ready for a bikini shoot. Last week, I saw Coach Kansas mowing the outfield by himself.

That baseball field is cool.

Houston is cool

I thought it was pretty cool when Houston welcomed Hurricane Katrina victims to ride out the storm's aftermath here. I spent a couple of days in the Astrodome, handing out supplies and clothes to Katrina refugees. I learned a lot about Houston after Katrina. The experience changed me, too.

Houston is cool, all right, but not because the Washington corridor has hopping bars and Houston opera and ballet are thriving. I've never been to an opera in my life. I've been to one ballet and watched women dancing on their toes. My only thought was, how come they don't hire taller women?

Being cool is a city that makes you feel like you belong. We have cool people and hot weather. You can play tennis outdoors on New Year's Day. In the summer, it's so hot that if you wait until 4 p.m., you can play golf and have the course to yourself. That's cool.

One thing's for certain … ranking America's Coolest Cities based on numbing statistics about housing units and movie theaters? That's not cool. That's just trying to sell magazines.

ken.hoffman@chron.com