Jack Chick sez: Protect children against being recruited as Muslims. Li’l Susy explains that only Jesus can save them.

Last up in Jack Chick’s Prepubescent Hate Parade is The Little Bride. This time, Li’l Susy vents her spleen (which is presumably filled with Christ’s love) at the Islamic faith.

If the emails I receive from my grandfather are any indication, Muslims now hold the number one spot on the Fundamentalist Christian Threatdown. In case you’re wondering, that spot was previously held by same-sex marriage, Barack Obama, science, and Madalyn Murray O’Hair, who apparently rose from the dead to get Touched by an Angel canceled. But I digress…

So, yeah. Muslims. A threat to decent Christian folks everywhere.

Our story opens with Ms. Henn sending her kids home for a long weekend and reminding them to do their homework. And… that’s it? Seriously? In her last three outings, Ms. Henn has been established as a Halloween enthusiast who teaches science and doesn’t hate homosexuals, which in Jack Chick world puts her at the top of the Pyramid of Evil between Hitler and Gary Gygax. When I first read what this tract was about, I fully expected Ms. Henn to show up for class in a burqa, screaming “Death to America!” while crapping on the flag.

But no. As Ms. Henn dismisses class for the weekend, the multicultural duo of Becky and Tashana come running up to Li’l Susy with some exciting news! It seems the girls have a new neighbor named Amir, who has been talking to them about God and wants them to become Muslims. Because we all know how evangelical those Muslims can be! I mean, they come knocking on my door at least two or three times a month to let me know that I’m going to burn in Hell because I don’t worship their invisible sky man. Sometimes they hand out tracts.

No, wait. Not Muslims. Who am I thinking about?

At 6:00 PM, Li’l Susy finally gets around to asking her dapper grandfather about the Muslims. Now, I should point out that we don’t know a lot about Grandpa. He wears an eye patch, he lounges around the house in a white dinner jacket and bow tie, and he drinks a shitload of tea or coffee. Or gin. I keep hoping Chick will let us in on this man’s compelling backstory. I’m betting he lost his eye while saving innocent children from Satanists, Catholics, or gay people!

Li’l Susy explains that Becky and Tashana, two of her best friends, are thinking about becoming Muslims. And once again, we notice that Li’l Susy never seems to have any of the same friends from comic to comic. My original theory was that they quickly grew tired of her strident, hateful ways and abandoned her, forcing her to find new friends. However, I think it’s equally likely that Li’l Susy’s a serial killer, and her friends Cathy, Timmy, Buffy, and Frankie are buried in shallow graves somewhere. But again, I digress…

Grandpa tells Susy that her friends are in danger, because Islam is a “very dangerous religion.” And since it’s on the verge of spreading, like herpes and communism, into their neighborhood, Grandpa decides it’s time to give Susy the skinny on those damn dirty Muslims.

After explaining about the Qur’an and the Hadith, and how those savage Muslims refer to *their* god as “Allah,” Grandpa alludes to “some strange things” that Mohammed taught and did. “The god of Islam is not the God of the Bible,” he explains. “Listen very carefully, Susy. You must know these things.”

However, we don’t find out exactly what these “things” are just yet. In the fine sitcom tradition, the scene changes abruptly to the next day, with Susy standing on the front porch of the Davidson household. Ms. Davidson tells her that Becky and Tashana are in the backyard, talking to Amir. Holy shit! Will Li’l Susy be too late to save their immortal souls?

Becky introduces Susy to Amir and his sister Safiya, and explains that Amir is teaching them the magic words they need to say to become Muslims. You know, like Shazam! Amir, who looks eerily like the animated version of James Cagney in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons, starts chanting in that weird moonman language that Muslims speak…

…and Susy holds up a trembling hand to stop them, before they irrevoccably damn their souls to Muslim Hell! “STOP! Don’t ever say those words!”

Amir whirls towards Susy, his head bobbing with the righteous anger of Katherine Hepburn, and demands to know why she interfered with his sinister ceremony. “Because I have many questions,” Li’l Susy replies.

Susy never gets to ask her questions, as Afir and Safiya are called home by their mom. So, devoid of a Muslim straw man to argue against, Li’l Susy goes on to play a game that’s popular with all small-minded zealots, where you point out the odd bits and inconsistencies in someone else’s religion while ignoring the gaping holes of logic in your own. Li’l Susy mocks the story of Adam being 90 feet tall, and shows indignation over the story of Allah turning some Jews into rats, pigs, and monkeys. She points out that Mohammed had 16 wives and 2 slaves, and that his youngest wife was 9 years old.

Tanasha contorts her face with disgust, while Becky is so disturbed by this news that she develops some extra eyes and mouths. “Only a dirty old man would do a terrible thing like that to a little girl!” she exclaims. Li’l Susy agrees, and refers to Mohammed as a pedophile.

Yeah, horrifying stuff. Nothing at all like you’d find in the Bible, right? I mean, the Old Testament is filled with nothing but stories of faithful, monogamous couples who were happily married, like King Solomon and Queen… um, whassername. It’s not like there are verses saying it’s okay to own slaves (Leviticus 25:44) or that people should be executed for getting haircuts (Leviticus 19:27), eating shrimp (Leviticus 11:10), being rape victims (Deuteronomy 22:23-24), disobeying their parents (Deuteronomy 21:18-21), or wearing cotton/polyester blends (Leviticus 19:19).

Li’l Susy then explains to her captive audience that Allah isn’t the God of the Bible, and by this point it’s obvious she’s just regurgitating what her Grandpa told her. And frankly, the idea of an old man telling his eight-year old granddaughter that Mohammed was a sexual predator seems a tad repugnant to me, but it’s pretty much par for the course for what Jack Chick considers “kid friendly.”

Anyway, a long time ago in Arabia, when hobbits roamed the Earth, there were some people who worshiped an idol called “Moon God,” which sounds like a righteous surfing name. But that’s why the crescent moon is so prevalent on flags and mosques in the Middle East… because Allah is Moon God!

(I’ve heard a similar tale about the Christian fish. If the Islamic fundamentalists ever decide to start cranking out comic book tracts, I’m sure they won’t have any problem coming up with plenty of material.)

Li’l Susy drives her point home by mentioning that the prophet Mohammed is still in his grave, but Jesus isn’t! He rose from the dead! Over 500 people saw Him! Interestingly, the number of people who have seen Bigfoot is in the tens of thousands. I’m just saying.

Chick obviously had trouble coming up with his usual 22 pages of ass-hattery, because at this point Li’l Susy sort of wanders away from Islam and starts talking about how Jesus created the universe in 6 days, “[n]ot millions of years, like our teachers tell us.” She then goes on to describe how Adam and Eve lived in Eden with the dinosaurs, but got us in Dutch with God with the whole forbidden fruit thing. And I’m sure you know how the rest of the story goes, although I just can’t read the sentence “The Holy Ghost came upon a young virgin named Mary, and she became pregnant” without snickering. And if you can, then I want to thank you for reading this blog when you should be spending your time getting dressed for the “I’m So Great” parade they’re throwing in your honor.

Moving right along. Jesus died but got better and now He can get you into Heaven, as long as you ask Him to. Apparently Jesus is kind of passive-aggressive. “Oh, hey. You didn’t say anything, so I just assumed you *wanted* to burn in Hell.”

Li’l Susy asks her friends if they want Jesus or Mohammed, which is sort of like being asked which sister you’d rather take to the prom. But Becky and Tashana sigh with relief that they dodged that horrible Muslim bullet, and they ask Susy how to be saved.

And so, Li’l Susy leads her friends to Christ and… GAH, BECKY! WHAT THE FUCK? YOU LOOK LIKE A THUNDERCAT!

Anyway, horrors of the flesh aside, Susy’s friends rejoice in their salvation. Becky clasps her hands together and rhapsodizes about how they’re going to Heaven now. And Tashana informs us that George Bush does not care about black people.

But, no. I kid Kanye West with my timely pop culture references. After assuring her friends that she loves Jesus, Tashana starts lamenting about all the poor Muslims who have been lied to. Li’l Susy suggests praying for them, which has proven highly effective in the past and is probably why there are only five or six Muslims left in the world.

And thus does this chapter bring the epic tale of Li’l Susy to a close. There’s still so much we don’t know about her. Will she alienate Becky and Tashana and be forced to find a new group of friends? Will she make her grandfather proud by becoming the youngest Kleagle in the history of the WKKK? And how did Grandpa get that awesome eye patch? So many questions left unanswered, unless Jack Chick deigns to continue the tale. Or somebody on the internet writes some Li’l Susy fan fiction. (She’s eight years old, so maybe someone could marry her off to Mohammed? Just a suggestion…)

Assalamu alaikum, everyone!