A few nights ago I was coming home from an open mic and had to wait for a bus to go home. It was late, around midnight, and I wanted to avoid any unnecessary interaction. I even walked an extra block to wait at a different stop with one of those glass-shelters, because I feel more protected.

The reason for this, is on a different night, same place, months earlier, I left a show and was waiting at that “out in the open” bus stop. I was wearing a dress, and a guy grabbed my thigh from behind, as he was walking by with his friend. You know, typical “boys will be boys” stuff. It sucked because I was on the phone with my SO, telling him how the show went, and he had to hear me react to this, then I had to tell him what happened. It ruined both of our nights, and a nice conversation.

So I’m waiting for the bus a few nights ago, tired, alone, huddled in the corner of the glass bus stop shelter, intentionally trying to be less visible while I waited for the bus after a long night. I further disengaged myself by playing a game on my phone to appear as unapproachable as possible. However, I got approached anyway, interrupted, and hit on by a guy I didn’t know.

Based on countless experiences, any time this happens I have the same response.

Every muscle in my body tightened. I was startled. All of the lengths I went to avoid exactly this, had failed me. Now… now I have to engage. I have to deal with this. I just want to go home, but now I have to do this other thing. Because I’m a female. Out here. I’m out here, and when men talk to me, I have no choice but to deal with it. Every time, no matter how I’m feeling.

More questions than I could acknowledge ran through my brain. Is this innocent? I hope so. If it isn’t, are there people around? If I reject him too harshly will he get angry? Why else would someone try to pick up a woman alone at a bus stop at night unless they had the total lack of awareness? What else does he lack? My sense of safety? And most importantly, how can I make him go away as quickly as possible?

Thankfully the bus came right after this, and he wasn’t getting on it, so he walked away, and I was relieved of any more interaction with this guy. I was relieved it had ended simply. The relief of course, only present because so many times, it does not end simply or easily.

Because I knew my experience was not unique, I made a light FB post about it, to get it off my chest.







The hashtags of course are indicating sarcasm. My experience was not unique as a woman, therefore it’s not unique as a woman doing comedy in a populated city, without a car. All of us, in order to do the same exact thing as our male counterparts, have to “expect” this reality of unwanted attention, and the even harsher reality that we have to deal with it when it happens, because that’s just “part of it” for us. Thus, our night doesn’t end with a good or bad set, an exchange of words with a few of our colleagues, or the total relief that once we go onstage we’re “done for the night.” The next thing we have to “do” is get home.

Context, is what makes this fucked up. I wasn’t sitting at a bar with friends, or with lots of people around in a social setting. This kind of setting would be a safe place for a person to approach another person with “cute” but innocent pickup line, see how it played out, and either strike a conversation, or be on their way. What so many people fail to see about women “complaining” about being talked to in public, is that it’s always an instance where our blatant body language and actions indicating our disinterest in a conversation is disregarded completely.

Holy shit, no one is saying don’t hit on anyone. Being hit on when you’re open and into is great, as it is to hit on someone else. Flirtation makes the world go round, the sexy time happen, and (hopefully) lots of orgasms. I’m all for it. When it’s fucking welcome.

Men going up to women outside, no matter what she is doing, because, basically, he saw her, and now he wants to talk to her, is not welcome. I’m just trying to live my life…and sometimes that requires me being outside.

By now a lot of you reading this are probably thinking, “But Rachel, I know these things, you’re preaching to the choir!

I know, hunny, that’s why I threw up that story as a status update, thinking I could get some acknowledgement and be done with it. Right?



Wrong.

Funny thing is, the first reactions to my post in the comments, where mostly dudes “giving me advice” on things I could do or say to “freak out guys” who hit on me in these situations. Because we all know that sanity, attractiveness, and even good hygiene have everything to do with sexual entitlement. One person suggested I act crazy, a few suggested I imply I have an STD, others chimed in with their clever sarcastic one-liners that I “could have” for the next time. After all, this has only been happening to me for 20 years. Do, enlighten me.

But they eventually got it, as one guy so eloquently brought up:

Thanks. And ouch. And no shit. And OUCH.

That approach. Any approach. A non-approach. Any effort. No effort. I have to think this, every second of every day. This outfit, this sentence, this time of night, these shoes, this hair, these earrings, this joke, this FB/tweet/tumblr post, this breath, this walk, this voice, this lipstick…can all get me raped. Give a round of applause for yourselves, ladies and gentlemen.

It didn’t end there. My post instilled so much uproar in another male comic, he referenced it in a closed FB group, out of context. Since most of this happened in a closed group and for the sake of consistency, the sake of stripping potential egos, and for respecting “privacy,” everyone’s identities will be hidden on my part.

I guess if David Letterman were trying to hit on me at a bus stop, I should be lucky, right? #BigBreak #sikenah #ew

The same person then posted this topic, in the same closed group, still riled by my “complaining” on my own FB timeline.

Please stop and note: despite the fact that at this point I had not once brought up the prospect of “me getting raped,” but two male comedians referenced “me getting raped” with no prompting….yet somehow, some way, I’m complaining and being sensitive about “me getting raped.”

What the shitting fuck.

I assure you, you can believe what happened next.

Since the topic of me, and what I said, was dragged into a group of mostly male comics, who don’t perform often in the city, and basically use the group as a forum for shitting on anything and everything, when I reluctantly stepped up to the plate, I was hit with a barrage of dudes (who still didn’t know what my original post was about) telling me I was comparing “saying hello” to “rape”.

He explains his comment was about people with “agendas” in reference to the “I could be raped” feminist-comedienne (what?) culture. So, to get away from the painful “rape” word, I attempted to “soften” the conversation by using “sexual assault/harassment” (I hate myself so hard for saying that. Seriously, all my women’s studies professors are crying right now). Brace yourselves.

For the record, no one ever “said hello” to me either. The record is online. It’s public. You can read it. Suddenly, the issue wasn’t me anymore. It was now, every woman, ever, who had “complained” about being harassed, assaulted, raped, etc…..but still stemming from my personal bus stop story.

AN EPIDEMIC. HIDE YOUR CHILDREN AND WIVES CAUSE FEMINISTS JUST FOUND OUT THEY CAN TELL THE JOKES!

But wait, there’s more. Dude one backs out, dude 2 steps in.

So, I went and quoted this…in case he missed it…..

Remember????

Even though the “rape” word was brought up by first dude, the blame for the terminology weirdly kept falling on me. This back and forth went on, as dude 2 continued attempting to lead me in exhausting circular non-arguments. He asked me if I watched TV show I hadn’t seen, and it didn't matter, so I ignored it. He then fixated on the fact that I refused to address his question on whether or not I had seen a TV show (because, staying on topic is hard). Then, this happened…

Wondering if I talked about anything else besides rape, sexual harassment, and sexual assault? All of which was brought up by another dude, who didn't like my FB post, that never contained anything about rape, sexual assault or sexual harassment?

Are we seeing a pattern here? I didn’t ask for it (or did I?????) but now I’m being forced to debate rape, sexual harassment, and sexual assault and ultimately “rape culture” with a bunch of guys online who don’t think it exists, and it makes them angry. Very angry.

I’m reliving the experience of having to deal with entitlement, the demand for attention, the demand for an explanation…a good one, to prove that what I’m saying is worthy, is real, is valid, should be heard and retained, not forgotten and joked about because my life is someone else’s fucking internet debate.

Once again, ouch.

It’s not over. Dude 3 tags in.

Can I get a crying cat face emoji up in here?

I at some point grew tired of this and did what I often do, use humor to vent my frustrations with society in this tweet right here (that linked to FB). Lo and behold, Dude 1 is back:

They think I like this.

*came*