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OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

Hobby Lobby is back in the spotlight today, after the company announced that they are adding new rule to their ‘Employee Code of Conduct,’ which will now include a passage that says the company expects all of their non-married workers to practice abstinence. The company is enacting the policy only a few short months after a media firestorm over their refusal to cover Plan B birth-control in their medical packages – a decision that was upheld by the Supreme Court in a landmark decision.

“Hobby Lobby is a private company, and we were founded on Christian values. Our employees have a choice, though – They can embrace our values, or they are free to seek employment with a more secular company,” said Dick Red, Hobby Lobby spokesman. “In light of the backlash we took for our refusal to cover methods of ‘birth-control’ that we felt were more in line with ‘termination of pregnancy’ techniques, we have elected to take our Supreme Court victory a step further. Effective immediately, sexual activities outside of marriage by our employees will be grounds for termination. If a non-married employee becomes pregnant, she will be terminated so she can find her place with a new employer. If we catch any of our non-married employees having sex with each other on top of the paint brushes or balls of yarn, well then they’ll be terminated as well. Promiscuity is not a value that we here at Hobby Lobby are prepared to tolerate any longer.”

Support for the policy has poured in from Christian Rights groups and religious individuals alike. Televangelist Joey Ostein touched on the controversial policy in a recent sermon.

“God has spoken, and this company [Hobby Lobby] has heeded the call. We have become a nation of deviants and harlots. We have spiraled into a nation of homosexuals and sinners. The Bible is clear on these issues. Sex is to be between a man and a woman inside the sacred bond of marriage. Brothers and sisters, we must strive to save these sinners, as Lot strove to save the Sodomites; but like Lot, if our words shall fall on deaf ears, we must turn our backs and let God’s will be done.”

Several employees have said they plan to file suit against Hobby Lobby, claiming religious discrimination, but Red is not worried.

“God saw us through the tribulations of our previous struggle, and He will see us through this one as well. These feminists, harlots, and menaces, they say that they only want to keep the government out of their vaginas. Well I say they can start by keeping everyone else out of their vaginas as well,” said Red. “At our stores, we are going to restore the Christian values that this country was founded on. If we lose a few customers in the process, then so be it. I would rather go out of business and see my Christian customers in Heaven than pander to the ideals of Satan and wind up peddling craft supplies in Hell.”

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