“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” (Source: Mayo Clinic)

Sound familiar?

I have a super hero(ine) quality of attracting and being attracted to some pretty fabulous (NOT) narcissists. To be accurate, I should say that I HAD such a “gift”. I’m over it now. It took 56 years but, goddamnit, I can spot one a mile away and, more to the point, I have a method for getting them outta my head, outta my heart and outta my life.

First, here’s how to spot a narcissist:

Ask yourself five important questions vis a vis the person in question.

What percentage of the conversation with this person is spent talking about him or her and his experiences, thoughts and achievements? Fears or diseases? If the answer is greater than 75% you’re in narcissist territory. (Do not be surprised if your calculation brings you to 95% or higher. Yup. Really.) Does the person react and get curious, ask questions, etc., when you share something important? Like, oh, maybe that you just got a book deal from a major publishing house? Most people would react with a shriek or, at a minimum, with a wide grin and an incredulous, “Really?! Fuckin’ A, man!” But with the narcissist this news will elicit little more than a nod or, even more likely, the “Yeah, I’m writing a book, too, and mine’s going to be amazing.” And that is it. Minimal engagement with things that matter to you. (Note similar failure to “notice” with news of your cancer diagnosis, your Rotary Club Volunteer of the Year Award or your acceptance into Harvard Law School. For example…) Does the person appear to be the victim of egregiously unfair actions and incidents perpetrated against him, usually as a result of what he describes as other peoples’ jealousies? “I got totally screwed over by that motherfucker” or “She hates me because I’m not interested in her sexually, so she made sure I didn’t get the promotion!” These are familiar refrains. Victimization is a specialty of the narcissist. Everyone else is at fault. Obviously. On the rare occasion that you are the one doing the talking, does the person interrupt (often mid-sentence) with an unrelated point? For example, maybe something like this…

You: “This is the part of the story that is most important to me personally because — -”

Narcissist: “Does this place do gluten-free rolls? I’m off wheat.”

(And, trust us, they do not proactively ask you to return to the point you were about to make. So you’re left sitting or standing there, unsure, feeling like you’re either the most boring person in the world or maybe just that this story kinda sucked. And then you probably let the narcissist take the conversation where he (or she) wanted it all along: back to him!)

5. And, finally, how does the person react to suggestions or feedback? Or to difficult conversations? Does he or she immediately feel attacked? Cricitized? And then what? Do they say, Hey, let’s talk this out because I’m feeling defensive (unlikely) or do they walk out, hang up the phone or attack you with something like, You’ve really hurt my feelings with your vicious lies!

Okay. So at this point we all see the pattern. The self-absorption, the disinterest in anyone’s life but his or her own and the deep sense of not only hurt but also violation in response to any feedback other than “You are wonderful! You do such great work! You’re gorgeous and sexy and amazing! You da bomb!”

Maybe it sounds a bit overstated. But this is the reality. And we deny and deny and deny because the narcissist has the ability to turn on the charm and make us feel so good. Being with a narcissist is the closest I will ever come to knowing what it feels like to do crack. The high is so addicting!

In the “old days” — that is, before I worked through all of this by learning to love and like myself — I would have appeased, cajoled and enabled my way through. And that would have achieved some peace and harmony, but at a massive fucking cost. Namely, loss of self-respect, loss of self-love, loss of self.

Now I approach the narcissists who cross my path in a totally different way. I RUN.

RUN.

TOTO.

RUN.

Really. That is my method. It’s the only one that works.

I see a narcissist heading my way, I can’t get away fast enough. I’m the Usain Bolt of wherever the hell I am at that moment. Whoosh!

Because there is nothing good that can come of a relationship with a narcissist. I will only lose myself along the way and wonder what I did wrong and become more and more desperate to get a crumb of affection or approval from Mr. N is for Narcissist.

Here’s the other reality. Narcissists are generally charming. And, oh my, can they turn on the charisma when they want to. That juice is on tap! They can make you feel like you’re the center of the universe and they’d never dream of wanting to be anyplace except with you, staring into your eyes, telling you their secrets and “sharing” in the way that lovers and very close friends do.

But narcissists cannot love. Love is a two-way street. It takes both parties to create and to foster love. Narcissists excel at infatuation. That’s their thing. Infatuation is intense, it’s based on fantasy and it does not require the real person to show up. The object of desire is merely a narcissistic extension of the narcissist himself. The trophy wife, the gorgeous hunk, the hot young girlfriend, the boy toy, whatever.

And that is most definitely NOT love.

Some people try showing a better way, hoping to lead by example and encourage the narcissist to become a more caring, compassionate friend or lover.

Forget it. “Modeling better behavior” requires the person to actually take notice of (and care about) how others behave. Narcissists are not interested in other people! Period.

And, here’s the final thing I’ll say about narcissists. They do not support or champion or cheerlead. If you are waiting for that self-absorbed colleague or partner to thank or praise you for something you did — even something that helped them — you may well be waiting a long, long time.

It ain’t about you.

So stop trying to please. To get him to notice you. Repeat: It ain’t about you. Not with a narcissist. It will never be about you. Never ever ever. Not even when you get a book deal or you win a Nobel or you scale Mt. Everest. It is never about you.

Stop trying to earn that crumb of attention or to live long enough to experience this person saying to you, “How is going for you? Gee, you seem to be working very hard.” Forget it.

Instead, let’s say no to narcissists. And seek our support from those who are willing (and able) to give it, instead.

THAT is the choice. It’s a healthy one.

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