Lately many friends, coworkers and even strangers have been stopping me to tell me that I’m “positively glowing.” I know what they’re thinking – and some of them have asked – so I’d like to put some rumors to rest. No, I’m not pregnant. I’m glowing because I just ate my salt lamp and WOW can I see a difference.

As a 33-year-old married woman, I understand why people would think I might be pregnant. And yes, my husband and I did recently have a big conversation about our future. But ultimately what we decided is that we’ll have children when he’s ready, and that in the meantime I’d eat my salt lamp. Just to have something to do, ya know?

First thing off the bat: Salt lamps can’t be chewed. They must be swallowed whole. They’re very big so, yes, it was excruciating. But now the air feels purer everywhere I go and I’m a beautiful glowing orb woman. So when someone has the gall to ask me if I’m having a baby anytime soon I can say, “No, but I did swallow a salt lamp, so back off, Mom.”

For awhile now, I had been looking at my salt lamp thinking, “I bet I could eat that. I bet it would make me beautiful and effervescent, like a pregnant woman.” And now that I’ve eaten the whole lamp and the cord because it was attached, people ask me constantly if I’m with child. I don’t mind. I love the attention. But I do need to let everyone know that there’s no baby in my future. Although, there is a salt lamp in my stomach, and there is DEFINITELY not room for two, if you catch my meaning.

I hope that I can encourage more women to eat their salt lamps. It’s a lot of responsibility, and it does change your body forever, but it’s worth every second of the initial pain and also the ongoing pain and also the future pain I am yet to experience as the salt slowly eats its way through my body. To be honest, I love my post-lamp body. I’m proud of it. I’m proud that someday I’ll be able to look back on my life and think – I really did something when I at my salt lamp. How many people can really say that?

So next time you pass me on the street, or in the hallway at work, or in the bathroom in our house, do ask me if I’m pregnant. But please know that my shy smile and my sly wink mean that I’m only glowing because I ate an entire $40 Himalayan salt lamp, and it’s shining because it’s plugged in and no I won’t say how.