Excellence.

Stewardship.

Agility.

What. The. Fuck.

When it comes to football I’m trying to be as agile as a bloody leopard but sitting in front of my keyboard staring blankly into a monitor? Fuck me. I’m channelling all my agility into that pain in my lower back. And it doesn’t go away. So I can’t possibly imagine the wonders it would do to the company’s bottom line.

Values team meetings, on the other hand, great for bottom line. There is nothing more I love than speaking in front of a bunch of people. Actually, you know what’s even better? Speaking in front of a group of people and telling them an anecdote about exhibiting honesty in the last financial quarter. What a fucking joy.

The other day I’ve read somewhere that CEO’s only job are values and culture. Holy fuck. If that’s the case give me a bucket of paint and I will draft some nuggets of inspiration on a wall in a lobby. And I’ll take that paycheck. With stock options. And a bonus. Thanks.

Corporations are particularly great with their values. You would think that there is no time for this bullshit in startups. You would be wrong. Instead of furiously looking for the product-market fit the leaders are re-doing their Powerpoint presentations. For the third fucking time. Now explaining the difference between growth and fixed mindset. Is this the thing that is supposed to get me to work 80 hour weeks? No fucking way. Go and raise some funding for fuck sake.

There is a time when I rave about values though. It’s every 12 months during my performance review. Upon that blissful moment of reflection I hold the customer higher than my mother. My excellence is exceeding Roger Federer’s graceful backhand. And for a brief moment I’m becoming the best of the best team players in the world. There is so much team work that puts the rest of my team to shame. There is no I in team they say. But there is an I in raise for sure.