FADE IN:

EXT. RABBITON, USA

YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN is starring in an elementary school production of “How to Exposit the Premise of Your Entire Universe Without Really Trying”.

CGI YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Many years ago, predator animals had a nasty habit of killing and devouring us prey animals, which kind of prevented us from getting along. But we were able to get past all that once predators adapted to, I dunno, absorb nutrients from the atmosphere or something?

(shrugs)

So since then we’ve had an alternate evolutionary history where we were the ones to develop human intellect, language and technology. We even had the foresight to develop the opposable digits necessary to use that technology, instead of bumbling around trying to work stuff with our mouths like certain Good Dinosaurs we could name.

(snorts)

Anyway, in this advanced animal civilization, it’s my dream to grow up to be a police officer!

CGI ASSHOLE FOX KID

Hur hur, a rabbit cop? Don’t you go gettin’ ideas above yer station, you uppity lagomoron!

CGI YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN

That’s the kind of bigoted thinking civilization needs to rise above! Animals should be judged not by the diet of their species, but by the content of their character! #bunnylivesmatter

(pause)

Oh. So that’s what kind of movie this is.

CGI ASSHOLE FOX KID

Yup! And just to remove any lingerin’ threat of subtlety, they’ve given me the only redneck accent in town, a-HYUCK! Or in other words, we’re protestin’ ethnic stereotypes by usin’ a whole ’nother ethnic stereotype.

CGI YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Speaking of annoying one-dimensional cartoons: to the police academy!

EXT. POLICE ACADEMY

Years later, BUNNIFER trains at the POLICE ACADEMY for one twenty-second throwaway montage, before graduating top of her class and preparing to move to ZOOTOPIA to be a POLICE OFFICER.

CGI BUNNY HUNT

Have fun in the big city, sweetheart! But also be careful. You should take this canister of fox repellent, which is a product that in this world ought to be about as legal as a real-life can of “Mexican-B-Gone”.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Hold on, at the police academy most of the prejudice seemed to be that I was too small and weak to be taken seriously as a candidate. And now when I go off to the big city you’re giving me some mace to protect myself against “predators”.

(examines canister)

PINK mace! Is this movie trying to make a point about race politics, or gender politics?

CGI BUNNY HUNT

It’s making whatever point you want it to make! Rule number one about putting social commentary into your family movie: maximum vagueness equals maximum deniability.

EXT. ZOOTOPIA

BUNNIFER moves to ZOOTOPIA, a huge multi-ecosystem city where many species intermingle.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Boy, this place is such a melting pot! Isn’t it beautiful that, in this world so full of prejudice and hate, there can be a place where all the different species come together like this?

(pause)

Well, all the MAMMALS, of course. All those gross non-mammal species can go fuck themselves. Fuckin’ lizards and birds and shit.

(shudders)

She goes to her first day at the POLICE STATION, where she serves under POLICE CHIEF IDRIS ELBUFFALO.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

There’s been a rash of disappearances, all predators. This is our number one priority, people! By which I mean our only priority. I’m assigning every officer to this case, every last one of them, so I guess for the time being all other criminals can just go nuts.

(pause)

Oh, except for those heinous parking violators! Bunnifer, I’m putting you on parking duty.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Sure, okay. I guess since it’s my first day ever on any form of active duty it stands to reason that the most menial assignment would fall to me. You’re only being reasonable here.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Ha, what movie do you think you’re watching? I’m being super duper racist, of course!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Oh, well in that case this is BULLSHIT! That’s it, I’m gonna be unforgivingly militant in handing out tickets the split second any meter expires anywhere in the city, and thus prove myself good enough to escape the career purgatory that is parking duty!

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Boy, this explains SO MUCH about parking inspectors.

BUNNIFER goes and hands out A HUNDRED BAJILLION PARKING TICKETS. While out she sees JASON BATEFOX being refused service at an ELEPHANT ICE CREAM STORE.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Come onnn, sell me one of your giant elephant-sized ice pops! It’s a birthday treat for my son here. Kindly fail to notice his distinctive giant ears which ought to make it obvious to anybody that he isn’t even the same species as me.

CGI ELEPHANT

Meh, all you foxes look the same. But either way, fuck off, I’m not selling you anything.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

I don’t suppose that would be out of legitimate concern about me giving my supposed toddler twenty times his own body weight in sugar?

CGI ELEPHANT

Nope, it’s just another fun fun fun case of rrracism!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Not so fast! I’ll step in and force you to serve these guys or else I’ll file charges against you for health code violations! Rather than, say, breaking anti-discrimination laws, which I guess don’t exist here??

BUNNIFER pays for JASON’S ICE POP.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Heh heh heh, SUCKER! Now I’m gonna melt this thing down into many tiny ice pops, then sell them to lemmings, who would regard them as full size and thus pay full price! ...Which kind of raises the question of how the hell you could even have a functioning economy when some citizens require literally hundreds of times as much nutrition, space, energy and general resources as others.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Well I guess you could just pay the smaller animals less money for equal work OH GOD IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE.

(shakes fist)

Anyway, curse you, you vulpine stereotype, you’ve disillusioned me with your slightly dishonest and vaguely unethical pseudo-scam!

She goes home feeling DEPRESSED and ANGRY and JADED ABOUT ALL DAMN CIVILIZATION, which, once again, really clears up a whole bunch about PARKING INSPECTORS. But on her next shift she espies a thief on the lam!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Aha, a chance to thwart an actual crime! I’ll just chase him into a miniature rodent town where I’ll stomp around like a kaiju, causing massive property damage and risking the life and limb of countless civilians. PROTECT AND SERVE!

(charges through tiny traffic, nearly kills a thousand people)

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Damnit Bunnifer, I racistly, but also kinda legitimately, won’t stand for your reckless heroics! You’re through! Turn in your badge and - well, this entire police force seems weirdly devoid of guns, but turn in your badge at least.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Turn in my badge? Crap, you just awakened Bigyellinchief, the god of police chief clichés!

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

(pokes head in)

Say Idris, as the sheep assistant mayor, I just wanted to know that as of RIGHT NOW the mayor is breathing down your neck about letting Bunnifer help find one of those missing predators.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Aw damnit. Well if I’m stuck with police chief clichés I might as well go all out. YOU HAVE FORTY-EIGHT HOURS TO SOLVE THE CASE!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Ooh, that one’s a cherry.

BUNNIFER looks at the LAST KNOWN PHOTO of a MISSING OTTER and discovers that he was eating one of JASON’S FRAUDULENT CONFECTIONS.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

So the last random shot of this otter tells me he’d moments earlier spoken to the ONE civilian from this entire giant metropolis who I’ve had a meaningful encounter with? I smell a Mystery Full of Big Convenient Coincidences in the offing!

EXT. STREET

BUNNIFER goes and blackmails JASON.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

I have here in my hand a recording that incriminates you, so help me find the otter! Funny how nonchalantly I’m threatening you when you’re a predator twice my size and I’ve been raised to believe your kind are all violent murderers.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Damnit, while it would be both extremely easy and entirely in character for me to just grab the recording device you're waving under my nose and hurl it into a storm drain, I guess I'll cave and work with you instead.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Great! We're gonna be such a comically mismatched odd couple! You, a fox, which folklore has always characterized as a quick-witted troublemaker, your textbook trickster archetype; and me, a rabbit, which folklore has always characterized as a quick-witted troublemaker, your textbook trickster - hey wait a minute.

They go to the NUDIST COLONY where the OTTER was headed, where they learn about him getting into a LIMO.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Well that’s all the intel I had, can I go now?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Wait! I don’t have access to motor vehicle records, so instead of asking any of my fellow cops to look up that limo’s details I’ll get you to use your contact at the DMV!

They go and do that SLOTH TRAILER at the DMV.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Well now I’m REALLY out of useful information, can I go NOW?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Wait! I need to use you as a flimsy justification for breaking into a parking lot!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

(sighs)

So we’re just gonna keep scrounging up increasingly strained reasons to keep me around until I stop hating you, huh.

The LIMO turns out to belong to a MOB KINGPIN called “MR. BIG”, by whose GUARDS they are suddenly SEIZED.

INT. UNCLEVER GODFATHER PARODY

BUNNIFER and JASON are brought before MR. BIG, who turns out to be MAURICE LaSHREW.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Haw, a shrew! He’s called “Mr. Big” and he has a big car and a big office and his henchmen are giant polar bears, but then AW SNAP it turns out he’s actually the SMALLEST of all mammals! What a funny twist!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Indeed! And now I’ll make a joke about selling him a rug made entirely from the hair from a single skunk’s butt, oh wait I already made that joke ages ago and ruined the whole “he’s tiny” punchline ooops.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Anyway, you don't scare me, Maurice! You can't stop me from finding out what happened to that otter!

CGI MAURICE LASHREW

Well I wasn't involved, so what do I care. In fact, the otter was a friend of mine, so presumably I'd WANT this matter cleared up. With all that in mind, I think the most logical course of action would be to have you, a police officer, murdered. I am a smart mobster.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Shit, I need another absurdly convenient coincidence to save my ass. Maybe I could just borrow that horrible one from Training Day?

It suddenly turns out that some RANDOM WOMAN whose LIFE BUNNIFER SAVED earlier in the movie is an IMMEDIATE RELATIVE of the GANGSTER who is now about to MURDER HER.

CGI MAURICE LASHREW

All is conveniently forgiven! As for that otter, I don’t know where he is. He ran off after he mysteriously went berserk and attacked my driver. One moment he was an ordinary decent mob-connected nudist otter, the next he was like a snarling beast!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

All right then, since you care about the otter and the clock is ticking on my investigation, I’m sure you’ll agree I should go talk to that driver immediately-

CGI MAURICE LASHREW

Or you could waste several hours attending the wedding of a stranger.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Or that could happen, sure.

EXT. RAINFORESTTOWN

Eventually BUNNIFER and JASON go to talk to the JAGUAR LIMO DRIVER (a LIMO DRIVER who is a JAGUAR, not the driver of a JAGUAR LIMO), but HE TOO has gone FERAL and tries to KILL THEM! They manage to RESTRAIN HIM and call in REINFORCEMENTS, but by the time IDRIS and the other COPS arrive, the DRIVER has disappeared.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Bunnifer, you ass! Clearly this whole tale of a jaguar gone savage is the product of your malfunctioning bunny imagination!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Well you could always go and see his smashed-up house if you want proof. It’s like two minute’s walk from here. The door’s open and everything.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Enough of your nonsense! Your forty-eight hours are up, hand in your-

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Hold it! I’d like to point out that the thirty-eight hours she’s had so far is LESS than forty-eight, because of how numbers work.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Curse you and your technicalities! Fine, I’ll give you the remaining ten hours. Plus like ten more, I guess, seeings it’s nighttime again by the time you actually solve the case.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

All right Bunnifer, I suggest we track what happened to that driver by using traffic cameras, which monitor every square foot of every street throughout all of Zootopia, even in deserted little backwaters like this one.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Then how the hell was that picture from the otter’s file the “last known image” of him? Considering everything we wind up learning about the case, shouldn’t the cops have been able to track his every move from the get-go and solved this thing in under an hour?

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Luckily for you, it would seem not!

EXT. CREEPY ABANDONED HOSPITAL

BUNNIFER and JASON track the DRIVER to some LAB which is guarded by an army of WOLVES.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Wolves? Right before he went nuts, the otter was heard ranting about "night howlers". Wolves howl at night! That's what he must have meant!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Then why wasn't he ranting about, you know, "wolves"? That's the word most people use for wolves. If he'd been attacked by camels would he have been yelling about "desert walkers"? Seriously, it's a good thing this revelation turns out to be a red herring, because it's fucking stupid.

They sneak into the LAB, where it turns out all the MISSING PREDATORS are being kept captive by MAYOR OF ZOOTOPIA J.K. LIONS.

CGI J.K. LIONS

Another one! For the fifteenth time, a predator has flipped out and gone feral! Why is this happening? And how have we been able to find out about each incident and kidnap the subject before they were able to hurt anybody or be seen or leave any evidence whatsoever? None of it makes any sense!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Holy crap! This is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the mayor, who happens to be a huge intimidating lion! It’s going to be a real challenge for me, a bunny rabbit nobody takes seriously, to bring down

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE

The MAYOR has been ARRESTED and BUNNIFER is a HERO.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Oh. Well that was really, really easy.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Go on, Bunnifer, talk to the press. Since this is a potential PR disaster involving corrupt politicians, controversial police officers and some kind of unexplained plague, normally we’d coach you on what you should and shouldn’t say, but pfffft, that sounds like hard work, just wing it.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

All right, I think I can do this.

(to press)

Well clearly predators are all just vicious, mindless monsters at heart, and now their thin veneer of civilization is finally falling away to reveal the slavering beasts within, and we can’t trust a damn one of these ticking time bombs of violence. Nailed it!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Aw, I wasnt’ talking about you! You’re one of the good ones! ...Okay, you know what, now I hear it.

JASON STORMS OFF and ZOOTOPIA promptly descends into ANTI-PREDATOR BIGOTRY.

CGI SNOW LEOPARD NEWS ANCHOR

This just in, predators continue to go unpredictably bonkers, with numerous incidents of huge strong animals with claws and sharp teeth suddenly trying to murder unsuspecting pedestrians. But nobody's died yet and let's just all pretend that's plausible, okay?

CGI MOOSE NEWS ANCHOR, OR SOME OTHER LOCALIZED ANIMAL STEREOTYPE DEPENDING WHERE YOU LIVE

This has resulted in similarly non-violent prejudice against predators. So now I guess we’re making some comment about how bigotry is a two-way street and even the racial majority can be the victim of racist attitudes?

CGI SNOW LEOPARD ANCHOR

Maybe? But “violence in the blood” is traditionally a racist attitude that has been held against black people in real life, so maybe predators are just another minority. So this movie has been a parallel for, I don’t know, black-vs-hispanic racism the whole time?

CGI MOOSE NEWS ANCHOR

Come to think of it, who ISN’T a minority around here? Prey are discriminated against for being small and vulnerable, predators are discriminated against for being former carnivores. And animals like foxes and sloths face more specific prejudice because of specific stereotypes and limitations of their species. Is it even possible to avoid ticking some box or other in this crazy pan-racist town?

CGI SNOW LEOPARD ANCHOR

I suppose if you’re a big, powerful herbivore whose race doesn’t have any kind of a questionable reputation. Which would make the only character in this movie who doesn’t suffer from any kind of race prejudice... the one played by Idris Elba?

CGI MOOSE NEWS ANCHOR

This is giving me a headache.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE

BUNNIFER is meeting with NEW MAYOR JENNY UNGUSLATE.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

I know you want me to be the new face of the police force, but I fucked this town up pretty badly, so now I should use my newfound fame to speak out against racism and help defuse this atmosphere of hatred slink off back to my home town and wallow in self-pity. I’m turning in my badge.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Wait, you didn’t let me say it! Come on!

EXT. RABBITON, USA

BUNNIFER returns home to sell CARROTS for a living.

CGI BUNNY HUNT

Sorry about everything that happened, honey. Maybe another convenient coincidence would cheer you up? Look what we have growing on our farm even though we know they’re really dangerous: night howlers!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Gasp! Night howlers are FLOWERS! Somebody must have DRUGGED those predators! Oh, and I know how to find out who! Remember that robber I chased, when I nearly destroyed Rodent Town?

CGI BUNNY HUNT

You mean the one other crime you ever investigated during your entire cop career?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Yes, the single solitary criminal I ever arrested before getting involved with the missing predator case, was stealing bulbs for these flowers and was clearly heavily involved in the missing predator case! Now THAT is a convenient coincidence, right there.

CGI BUNNY HUNT

It's also convenient that you had enough expertise in that flower to instantly recognize its bulb and rattle off its botanical classification and Latin name, while at the same time you didn't know its regular name or the fact that it makes people go crazy.

BUNNIFER hurries back to ZOOTOPIA and meets up with JASON.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Hey Jason, sorry for being all racist and stuff. You gotta help me find out who’s behind all this.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Um, shouldn’t you be taking this information to Idris instead so he can use the full might of the police force to investigate this? Hell, shouldn’t you have just called him on the phone? In the time it took you to get here some panther might have flipped out and bitten a gopher’s head off or something.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

This isn’t about public safety, it’s about me getting redemption, damnit!

BUNNIFER and JASON question the FLOWER THIEF and wind up tracking down the CRIMINAL MASTERMIND at a NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM, who turns out to be...

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

That’s right, it was I, the new mayor, the only person to actually have benefited from all these goings-on, who’d’ve guessed!

She shoots JASON with an INSANITY PELLET and he goes to TEAR OUT BUNNIFER’S THROAT.

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

Mwa ha ha, and now to simply leave and let this grisly scene be discovered in the morning whilst keeping my name completely out of it. OR:

(calls cops)

Help, police! I, the mayor, happened to be taking a midnight stroll through the natural history museum with a few thuggish minions, when by total chance I stumbled across Jason murdering Bunnifer! Please get every single officer in the precinct to this location within the next three minutes!

(hangs up)

And now, whilst I should probably do something about the highly incriminating weapon that's currently in my hand before the cops get here, I will instead take this opportunity to declare aloud that I was entirely behind all these predators going crazy, that it was a deliberate crime that I planned and executed, signed Mayor Jenny Unguslate.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

GOTCHA! We were faking the whole attack and recorded your confession. We swapped out your crazy juice pellets for harmless blueberries!

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

Wait, seriously? You’re saying that you just happened to be carrying on you a liquid-filled sphere the exact color and dimensions of my psycho-balls?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Indeed we were! CONVENIENT COINCIDENCES FOR THE WIN!

JENNY is ARRESTED and ZOOTOPIA, having lost TWO CRIMINAL MAYORS in RAPID SUCCESSION and unearthed a RACIST PLOT to cause RACISM, naturally goes right back to being COMPLETELY STABLE.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

And now Jason’s become my cop partner, so our hamfistedly metaphorical relationship is healed and we’re closer than ever, yay!

(pause)

Although in defiance of how almost any other version of this story would go, it’s still purely platonic. Because in a somewhat injudicious move, Disney’s put out a movie about racial tolerance where “interracial” couples are absolutely off the table.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

I can guarantee that won’t stop the furry community.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

...Oh dear GOD. They’re going to write ALL THE PORN, aren’t they? Just ALL OF IT. EWWWWWWW.

END.