Good news: The Seahawks are winning.

Bad news: All this winning doesn’t give us much to talk about.

Sure, we could nitpick middling flaws or break down plays one at a time. But you don’t come here for crap like that. That’s not us. So rather than go football nerd on you or wax overly-poetic about a season just four games old, we’ve done something much more juvenile and fitting. Yes, we’ve anagrammed the names of every single player, scrambling and unscrambling the letters to find the very best phrases among your 2013 Seattle Seahawks.

So without further digression, please enjoy the below findings. Special thanks to the internet for helping rearrange the words.

3 – Russell Wilson, QB

I sell slurs now.

For a nickel, he’ll cuss at you.

4 – Steven Hauschka, K

He shave nutsack.

Smooth as eggshells, baby.

7 – Tarvaris Jackson, QB

Sir Torn Java Sack.

The most unfortunate knight in all of England. Also, I’m sensing a theme here.

9 – Jon Ryan, P

According to my anagram builder, there are no anagrams for Jon Ryan. Seriously. He’s some kind of awesome. This only adds to the legend.

11 – Percy Harvin, WR

Very rich nap.

His naps are like that.

15 – Jermaine Kearse, WR

Easier name, jerk.

Yeah, seriously. This was the hardest one to find a good anagram for.

18 – Sidney Rice, WR

I dry nieces.

Like a fun, semi-frightening, uncle.

20 – Jeremy Lane, CB

Jeer meanly.

Boooooooooooo! Your mother hates you! Boooooooooooooo!

22 – Robert Turbin, RB

Tit rub reborn.

Two hands, cocoa butter, rebirth.

24 – Marshawn Lynch, RB

Lynch ran whams.

He actually did do this.

25 – Richard Sherman, CB

Rich Harden’s arm.

If you know baseball, you know this is a story with a tragic ending.

28 – Walter Thurmond, CB

Lawn rod her mutt.

I don’t really know what it means. But it sounds like something that might happen in Enumclaw.

29 – Earl Thomas, FS

Loathe Rams.

Loathe them. Beat them.

31 – Kam Chancellor, SS

Call me, crank ho.

On that Boost Mobile…

32 – Jeron Johnson, SS

No anagrams. Just like Jon Ryan. The letter “J” seems to present a problem for the English language.

33 – Christine Michael, RB

Chemical rein shit.

On that chemical rein shit. This should be a rap lyric.

34 – Tharold Simon, CB

Mrs. Ton, laid ho.

Mrs. Ton. Always getting busy for money.

39 – Brandon Browner, CB

Darn newborn, bro.

All my friends are having kids. So this is a real issue, bro.

40 – Derrick Coleman, RB

Cockled Mariner.

This could describe any number of Mariners.

41 – Byron Maxwell, CB

Mr. No Belly Wax.

He refuses belly wax.

42 – Chris Maragos, FS

Orgasmic rash.

Um…yeah.

44 – Spencer Ware, RB

Raw presence.

That’s a pretty badass anagram.

46 – John Lotulelei, LB

He nut jello oil.

Cherry flavored.

49 – Clint Gresham, LS

Calmer nights.

Calmer nights with Clint Gresham, soft rock radio deejay.

50 – K.J. Wright, LB

No anagrams. Need…more…vowels.

51 – Bruce Irvin, LB

Curvier bin.

It’s the bottom drawer at Victoria’s Secret.

53 – Malcolm Smith, LB

Mill tacos. Hmm.

Probably not a good idea to eat mill tacos.

54 – Bobby Wagner, LB

Be grabby now.

There’s never a bad time to be grabby.

55 – Heath Farwell, LB

Ah, he fart well.

If you picture Mr. Miyagi saying this, it’s even funnier.

56 – Cliff Avril, DE

Viral cliff.

It was either this or “rival cliff.” Yes, these were the only two options.

57 – Mike Morgan, LB

Monk mirage.

It’s like you’re in a desert, you’re so hot, you’re so thirsty, and then suddenly in the distance they appear…monks, monks everywhere. But are they real?

59 – Korey Toomer, LB

Meek rotor, yo.

That rotor is whack, though.

60 – Max Unger, C

Ma ex rung.

Booty call!

61 – Lemuel Jeanpierre, C

A eerie jell en rump.

What are the odds that this is actually the title of a French skin flick?

64 – J.R. Sweezy, OG

You already know there are no anagrams here. I mean, his name alone is basically an awesome anagram.

65 – Jason Spitz, C

Zaps joints.

It’s totally legal.

67 – Paul McQuistan, OT

Plain cumquats.

As opposed to fancy cumquats.

68 – Breno Giacomini, OT

No, I…I…magic boner.

I mean, yeah, you’re gonna stutter a bit trying to explain your magic boner.

69 – Clinton McDonald, DT

Lint con. Damn cold.

No one wants to get conned over lint. That’s damn cold.

72 – Michael Bennett, DT

Clit beneath men.

Supposedly. If you can find it.

73 – Michael Bowie, OT

Whoa, imbecile.

Whoa.

74 – Caylin Hauptmann, OT

Thin, puny anal cam.

It has to be thin and puny, I imagine.

76 – Russell Okung, OT

Go skull nurse.

Go skull nurse, go skull nurse, go skull nurse, go! Ninja rap? Anybody?

77 – James Carpenter, OG

Arcane jet sperm.

Quite the mystery, that jet sperm.

78 – Alvin Bailey, OT

Levy in labia.

Levy. Mitch Levy.

79 – Red Bryant, DE

Trendy bar.

Anyone know if Red Bryant lives on Capitol Hill? Seems like it’d be a logical place.

81 – Golden Tate, WR

Gentle toad.

Golden “Gentle Toad” Tate.

82 – Luke Willson, TE

Nuke ill owls.

PETA might not like it. But really, we’re just putting them out of their misery.

83 – Stephen Williams, WR

Lethal penis swim.

Which ultimately leads to Chris Maragos’s orgasmic rash.

86 – Zach Miller, TE

Zilch realm.

Just like the realm in which I searched for anagrams for Zach’s name. Zilch.

87 – Kellen Davis, TE

Devil ankles.

Russell Okung has these, I hear.

89 – Doug Baldwin, WR

Loud windbag.

That, uh…that…well, yep.

90 – Jesse Williams, DT

Swami’s jellies.

These are Chris Berman’s jellies. Do not touch these jellies.

91 – Chris Clemons, DE

Mrs. No Cliches

Girl’s all original.

92 – Brandon Mebane, DT

Band name: Boner.

Coming to the stage…Boner!

93 – O’Brien Schofield, LB

Credible info, hos.

“Excuse me, ladies. Can you tell me if this is the corner of 4th and Broadway? It is?”

95 – Benson Mayowa, DE

Soybean woman.

Vegan friendly.

97 – Jordan Hill, DT

A drill, John.

That is a drill.

98 – Greg Scruggs, DE

Sadly, no anagrams. Just so many Gs.

99 – Tony McDaniel, DT

Monday client.

The worst kind of client.