I don’t mean to totally spook you out, but this kid I know said his older sister Stacy knows about this old abandoned house in town where there’s a skull that will tell your future if you go in there at midnight. I know it sounds crazy, but she’s a junior and gets straight A’s and B’s, so I highly doubt she’s making it up. Anyway, here’s what she said happened:

She and some older kids were drinking alcohol one night when they started playing truth or dare. After they all made out with each other a few times, one of the boys dared Stacy to go into this house he heard about that was haunted. She was really drunk on the alcohol and had also smoked some cigarettes, so she was like, “Okay, whatever, I’m not afraid.” So, they rode their bikes over to the house.

It was all beat up, and the paint had flaked off, and even though there was no wind, the front gate kept creaking open and shut. Most of the kids were like, “Oh, I just remembered, I have to go home for dinner because my mom’s making stuffing from a box. See you later, I guess!” Stacy knew they were full of it but didn’t care. She and the guy who dared her went into the house and starting looking around. It smelled like pee, and they found some old clothes, and an Air Bud dvd, and some internet porn only it was in magazines. “Wow look at how big this lady’s bangs are!” said the guy.

“Shut up,” said Stacy. “That’s weird, but I found something even crazier. Does this look like a human skull to you?” And sure enough, it was. It was sitting on a pedestal surrounded by candles in what used to be the rumpus room.

“Hey,” said the guy, “what if we lit up those candles? I bet it would be really scary/romantic, and we could make out some more.”

“Okay,” said Stacy, who was starting to get bored and also horny from looking at the magazines.

By the time they got back to the house with a lighter and some Boones Farm, it was 11:59 p.m.

They lit up the candles and were about to start frenching when suddenly the eyes in the skull lit up, and it started speaking.

“I am the skull of the great wizard Sonthanx!” it boomed. “You have performed the sacred rituals. Now I can answer one question about your future!”

“Oh shit,” said that dude. “That’s super cool. Um, am I going to play football when I grow up?”

“You will get a scholarship to the University of Michigan,” said the skull, “but in your second semester you tear your rotator cuff. You end up taking over your dad’s paint shop. Using your business degree, you turn it into a chain with stores all the way from Munice to Evansville.”

“Oh well, I guess that’s cool. I mean, my dad does totally want me to take over the store,” said the boy.

“I know,” said the skull, “because I can also see into the present.”

“Oh do me, do me!” yelled Stacy.

“That’s what I thought you were about to say to this guy,” said the skull.

After everyone got done laughing super hard, the skull was like, “No for real, what do you want to know?”

“Okay,” said Stacy, “what will happen to my soul after I die? I mean, are heaven and hell even real places? Like, does the universe have a point, or is it all just random? Does it end, or does it go on forever? And what’s my place in it?”

And the skull totally told her! I can’t tell you what it said, but I will say that afterwards she decided she didn’t feel much like making out anymore. Anyway, if you want to ask it something, you should probably go over there sooner rather than later. Once word gets out, there’s probably going to be a line.