My worst nightmare is the thought of my partner sleeping with another man. Jealousy is my weakness, and it easily consumes me. But there are people out there, cuckolds, who are aroused by these thoughts. They want other men to pleasure their wives in front of them. And while it seems like a nightmare to me, I guess horror to some is pleasure for others.

A “cuckold” is a man, in a relationship, who derives intense sexual gratification from either watching or knowing that his partner is having sex with other people. According to Dr David Dey, psychologist and author of Insatiable Wives, up to 20 percent of men in the United States fantasise about “cheating wives.” And neuroscientists, Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, have discovered, in their book A Billion Wicked Thoughts, that cuckold porn was the second most searched topic, after youth, by heterosexuals on English language search engines.

There’s a very particular, stomach-churning kind of hatred that boils deep inside me when I consider my partner being pleasured by someone else. And it is that specific cerebral influx of adrenaline that gets these guys off; it’s the taboo nature of fantasy combined with a sexual rush of endorphins that form a psychological masochism. The “cuck” experiences a symphony of emotions that are at odds; jealousy, gratitude, shame, arousal, inadequacy, and lust. I needed to speak to people who felt this way because I wanted to know whether there was some underlying intimacy or if it was just sexual gratification that had been disfigured.

I travelled to a sex addiction meeting to interview three men for whom cuckolding became a problem. I found the guys loitering around a rubbish bin outside a council hall. One of them had a lighter that flashed LED lights every time he lit up, another kept poking his finger into his coffee cup, and the last kept running his hand through his stiff gelled quiff. All three were all dressed in their Sunday best.

Inside, I interviewed them on hard plastic chairs to try and understand the roots of a sexual drive that seemed just so foreign.

David / 37 / Accountant

The first time I went through with it, I lied to my wife and told her I had been cheating on her. And hoped she would cheat on me. I couldn’t break it to her. I loved looking in mirrors and seeing her from different angles. I started with mirrors watching myself, then I got obsessed with watching her. I eventually came clean and told her about my urges. I was really drunk and it took a lot for me to say it. She agreed to try it out if it was going to make our relationship stronger and bring it back to where it was.

I organised for a bloke to meet us in a bar from Backpage. Their were a lot of Indians on there advertising as black guys. I had to get past them and the weirdos. Not racist but my wife just wasn’t interested. Because it was supposed to be just as much about her as it was about me. I organised to meet a South African backpacker at a motel in St Kilda. We drank at a bar around the corner, and before we could finish our first cocktail we were in an uber heading back to mine.

While I put on some music, I came back and they were naked on top of each other. She kept saying you sure you want this, you sure you want this? And it drove me mad, it rattled around my head. And the bloke was really drilling her. And I just sat there. Letting it all take over me. It’s like your head knows it shouldn’t be exposed to this, it’s not geared for this and then it happens. And your sex life becomes something else. It’s complex and erupting against itself.

I want my wife to sleep with randoms, but it’s breaking her heart. She got over it pretty quickly. So I said, you know what? I know you’re not into it and I’m going to do something about it. Because I’m fair. And she comes first. It was enough for her to tell me about fucking other guys, stories she had made up, while we were together that did it for me. Still does. Just trying to get it out of my system, the whole trying to convince her to meet other guys thing whenever I get drunk, because deep inside I still want it.

Vince / 34 / Courier

I’d think about men fucking my wife in prison. Whenever she’d visit, I’d get turned on when she told me other guys were hot. She never said it straight out. It was always like he looks like he does well with the ladies and I’d say yeah he’s a looker, aint he? and she said yeah he’s hot. I was never a jealous cunt, hey.

I got addicted to shard [methamphetamine] in jail. It also helped me come out. I realised I was bi and experimented in jail. I would swap buep to get into a cell and watch blokes go at it. I was in protection and it’s easier to get around to that stuff. I’d start to think about different blokes fucking my wife. And I figured well she’s lonely as. And I love her but can’t be there for her. It had to be with someone I knew. So I knew nothing could be fucked around and no one would hurt her.

I never want to be there as it happens. I just wanted to set it up from inside and then my wife would tell me about it. The night it was happening, I would imagine it all unfold and then she would tell me about what actually happened and it was always better. It also helped me come out. I experimented with my sexuality in prison. And it eased me into opening up my sexuality on the outside when she would set up our “holidays” with other guys. She was OK with my sexuality. I found prison to be a very eye-opening experience. It makes you think about life and how to live in different ways.

Sebastian / 35 / Construction Foreman

I was abused by my step mum when I was a youngster. I grew up in Bacchus Marsh and it was a shit hole back then. Still is. And after that I would stay up late, watching dirty videos I found in my parents’ room, and then it turned into listening to my parents having sex. It turned me on when I found lube or condoms in their room, stuffed into the drawer beneath the socks. I was a very damaged child. Sex isn’t for kids.

I met my wife online. My wife taught me about women's rights, she is strong and liberated. We met online and were opening up our sex lives and trying to meet like-minded people. She had done it all before. The whole “cuckolding” thing.

We went to swingers parties first, there was one in the South Eastern suburbs. To be honest it was my first time. We met some very open minded people. I watched her have sex with two huge men beside a pool the first time. One of them had these big silver rings on. Her eyes were locked on me. It was an amazing rush. When she moans, it sounds different with other men. I don't know, it’s not distance, it’s just different when it’s not you doing it. I would hi-five the blokes doing it. It was surreal. Thinking about it is one thing, but when it happens in real life you just think the world is an amazing place. We were all sharing and everything was about manners first, they politely ask. And then it’s on. You couldn’t take the smile off my face.

We have conversations about the experiences afterward with the “bull”. We aren’t new to the scene either. Now we know everyone in the right circles. There’s grubby scenes as well. Sometimes they don’t really want to talk to you after they’ve came. But most do and it’s nice to get to know each other. We broke up eventually and I think it was all the sex parties we were going to. So I wanted to just explore things and talk to some other people who had the same experiences. I’m not addicted to sex but sometimes I think I’m a bit of a pervert and I feel guilty. I’m a born-again Christian and it really messes my mind up when I want to explore sexuality. It keeps you in check and I guess it could be for good reason. But it’s not as fun.