The following is a point/counterpoint article regarding the topic of allowing women to serve in the armed forces. Gen. David Petraeus (Ret.) will be presenting the point, while Lt. Col. Jeffery Sinclair will be arguing the counterpoint.

Point:

Women have no place in the modern military, just as they haven’t since the beginning of warfare. Now, the 1980s let them into the proper services, since they weren’t satisfied with the Women’s Army Corps that we made specifically for them, and ever since women have been infiltrating in to broader assignments. I’ll be the first to say that these broads would naturally widen the breach they’ve made, but I digress.

Physically speaking, women are weaker than men. The Department of Defense (DoD) knows that women aren’t suited for combat — even if it won’t outright admit it. The easiest way to demonstrate this is by considering the differences in Army standards for physical fitness for men and women and how the Army skews those differences to the advantage of women. Not to mention the fact that women bleed everywhere and can’t look at anything without putting their emotional eyeglasses on first. Not the best trait to have in a leader. Do you think we could have beaten the Nazis if Patton was a chick? She would have stopped her tankers in Paris to go shopping!

Now, I can already hear you sappy pinko bleeding hearts in the audiences exclaiming: “muh diversity” and “that’s sexist!” You don’t have any logical response to a logical statement, so you automatically turn the emotion dial to 11 and hope that you can shout down the truth. Look here, the argument that you need women to do jobs in the military went out the window with the draft. You have an all-volunteer army; you clearly have no lack of manpower, so that consideration is moot. So you’re left with the precious ‘diversity’ card that you degenerates wave about like a bloody banner. Guess what cretins; multiculturalism and diversity destroy far more than they create. This selfish campaigning to turn the U.S. Military into a politically correct microcosm of a socialist utopia is driving the nails into your own coffins.

Counterpoint:

With all due respect to my counterpart, women do have a place in the military. Army prostitutes have a long and distinguished history as force-multipliers. From the camp followers of the Roman Legions to General Joe Hooker during the Civil War with “Hooker’s Girls,” to the contemporary ‘laundry worker’ TCNs turning tricks in the 203rd CHU behind the FOB Speicher D-FAC, soldiers have been relieving their tension into these willing and able helpers for centuries. Now it just continues under a different name!

Vietnamese hookers got a lot of good information out of Joe, but with bona fide American hookers we can be sure our information stays between those with a TSIP clearance. And the loads of single moms will breed our next generation of enlisted soldiers.

Let’s face it: soldiers are gonna put their penises in SOMETHING. Better it be safe and clean, in a controlled environment, like my office. If they’re forced to patronize local nationals, you get those Ahmed Altaie situations where dudes have to sneak off their FOB to get tail and then get kidnapped and tortured to death.

It does wonders for troop morale when there’s some fresh tail around the company area just waiting for attention. Best part is, if they get pregnant you can just throw them out of the unit! Not only that, but all the women in the military have to be regularly tested for STDs, so a soldier can always be confident that he’s getting the best deal. And you can’t beat the price either.

Without women in the military, there would be no secretaries to blow you after close of business, no biographers to sleep with you on a FOB in Afghanistan (am I right Davy?) and certainly no entirely theoretical captains for you to coerce with sexual favors to give them that cushy assignment to Colorado Springs. Can I get a hell yeah?

In short, women take up less space (although there are some big girls out there, and they need love too), eat less, and smell nice. But that’s about all that commends them. I prefer my women in the military to have lots of military in ’em, if you know what I mean.