How To Sound Like A Cybersecurity Expert

Cybersecurity is a buzzy topic these days. Everyone seems to be clamoring for tips on how to stay safe online, and you read in a listicle somewhere that cybersecurity is currently one of the fastest growing fields. So how can you get a piece of the respect and professional prestige that a cybersecurity expert might have? Simply follow these tips.

Warn people about social media

Inform people that by posting photos of their brunch on social media, they are giving hackers and state actors the tools necessary to take you down.

But actually, that’s too specific and information-y to remember, and it’s kind of a downer. Make your warnings vague, as in, “that Facebook is up to no good!” or “be careful about Twitter!” This way, when the next terrible Facebook or Twitter thing happens, people will recognize your prescience.

Bring encryption up often

Now, you may not know what encryption is, and I certainly don’t, but what we do know is that it’s somehow important to cybersecurity experts. Talk about it a lot, and if you encounter someone whose knowledge on encryption is more advanced than yours, simply run away.

Make a big deal out of the dark web

Studies have shown that people love hearing about the dark web. Take advantage of this fact to improve your social standing by making a huge honkin’ deal out of the dark web whenever you can.

If you see someone holding a credit card, mention that there’s lots of stolen credit card information on the dark web. This will confuse them into thinking you can help them keep their credit card information off the dark web.

Extra points if you can explain to people what TOR stands for. But if someone actually asks you how it works, this is again the moment to simply run away.

Loudly proclaim that quantum computing is the future of cybersecurity

This is certainly true. Don’t ask me why.

If someone asks you to elaborate on your claims, run away.

Chant “identity, not perimeter” to anyone in your general vicinity

The idea here is that perimeter security, or the mighty firewall as some call it, will be overtaken by identity and access management security, which allows for more granular permissions to be set, and ensures that even if someone does breach the firewall, they won’t have access to everything.

But that’s sort of a long thing to remember, so just remember the chant. If anyone asks questions about the chant, tell them to stop interrupting the chant.

Start a group chat to share cybersecurity articles you don’t understand

You’re not legit until you’re sharing articles saying common facts that we all know about like “phishing is a thing,” and “hackers have our data.”

To solidify your standing as a thought leader, however, you need to take it one step further. Sharing articles about concepts you don’t understand will allow you to rise to the top of the cybersecurity fake expert field. Look for a title like “why you NEED quantum encryption TOR identity blockchain security NOW.” If someone asks you what that means, tell them it’s too late for them if they don’t know.