Welcome to the OWL scrimbucks stock exchange, where the currency is as valuable as a coin from a Russian cryptocurrency scheme, where math is meaningless and everyone has a 60% scrim winrate, where hurt player egos scream like front row Houston Outlaws fans. It is a magical place in a dimension where logic & reason don’t apply. You’d be a fool to take anything here at face value, but you’re pulled in by the promised grain of truth (though it might really just be salt) buried deep under the building, conveniently harvested from the sodium chloride mines of the team’s player and staff pool. Invest now, gamble and throw it all away. Come in, come in.

ShaDowBurn is only the third-best Genji on his team

Highly regarded for spectacular performances and unique playstyle on Genji … what now?… two years ago?… ShaDowBurn is still held in high regard in the wider community. Not so at the SSE! According to insiders, the team plays generally much better with NiCOgdh on Genji and danye too has shown a more promising trajectory. Only niche picks like Pharah are left for the Russian to get playtime on. Scrimbucks broker don’t expect him to appear often unless he can reinvent himself. Hard sell here.

Seoul’s frontline is not the one you expect, or is it?

A South Korean MVP runner-up walks into the only OWL team from his nation. Previously the team had major main tank issues with Miro struggling against top opposition. Fissure seemed to be a shoo-in! I’ll give you this info for free, kid. Fissure wasn’t playing much for a while. Heard that before? Well, that’s old info now. Apparently, Fissure is playing again and is doing reasonably well while sharing scrim time with Marve1. Zunba, on the other hand, might be replaced with Michelle. Rumours have it that the two-time, back to back, APEX season 2 and season 3 winner isn’t happy.

Toronto Defiant has FOUR players with star player potential

Generally, Toronto Defiant is seen as a team of some former OWL leftovers and O2 Ardeont, one of the two dozen or so teams who’ve managed to upset Element Mystique at this point. It’s hard to keep track of. As a matter of fact though (not technically a fact), Envy, Neko, Ivy & Yakpung have either shown star player performances in the past or are underrated talents. Scrimbucks informants have them splitting games with Hangzhou Spark….and, what does it say here? Losing scrims to Washington Justice? Don’t look at me like that.

According to Monte, everyone is impressed by Hangzhou… except for the people I talk to

At least five teams have told me that they at least split games with them and that the Spark usually win the games they do because they run weird comps that would never work in a real league match. Sort of like the LA Gladiators strategy on King’s row, I guess. Oh… Also those scrim results, I’m assured, don’t really count because Bazzi is just bolting people’s heads off. It’s unrealistic to expect him to be able to do that on a regular basis.

Weird that when Montecristo is physically present during scrims, win percentages suddenly start making sense and add up to a 100. It must be a certain scientific method.

Paris Eternal with European wind in their sails

Paris was the only OWL team that prepared in Europe and was scrimming all competent GOATs teams from Contenders EU. While they were getting clobbered left and right, they picked up a thing or two and with Féfé and Seita as certified triple tank engineers it apparently was enough for them to improve past the other Overwatch League teams and when they hit ground in LA, they were immediately the best GOATs team in North America. Heavy buy recommendation but sell as soon as you see the meta wind change.

Who would’ve thought that Frenchmen would like GOAT cheese?

London Spitfire might go 0-2 in week 1

According to the highly reliable scrimbucks database, London Spitfire hasn’t been acclimating to goats very well. The talent level in the team, however, seems to be so high that they are picking up quickly, but not in time for the first week. With Philly and the aforementioned Paris, that’s two “Ps” you don’t want to meet in week 1. See this gigantic brain in the jar over there? It’s our oracle and we treat it like a deity here. Clairvoyant as it is, it said that London would suffer in GOATs because Gesture doesn’t have a good Rein. Force yourself to not think about that too much, it’s beyond your mortal cognition.

The back office tent

Stories have it that there is a big and fully packed tent somewhere hidden in the Overwatch League offices. Legends say that it used to be a carpet before all the unannounced suspensions and rule violations were brushed under it. It’s a highly speculative bubble which promises high payoffs for those who can unravel its secrets. Some say it’s just a myth and there just isn’t more to report, but it wouldn’t be the Overwatch community if we didn’t fill in the blanks with the most uncharitable interpretation of any given story, would it? If you’re interested, just ask over there for “Leverage certificates for Activision Blizzard stock”.

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Alright, it’s 7 a.m. and I have yet to sleep, so you need to go now. What do you mean that’s unhealthy? No OWL player is even awake before 1 p.m. Get out and tell no one of this place.