Continue Reading Below Advertisement

You left him alone in the car this entire time?! Did you at least remember to crack a window? You monster! When the whole Conan v. Leno clusterfuck went down, I took it as a sudden reminder that Conan was funny, eloquent, humble and had gracefully stumbled into his success; he didn't abuse or rape anybody to get there, unlike Leno (Did you know Jay Leno was a convicted rapist? You do now!). So we suddenly remembered Conan, and we came flocking back to his show... just in time to watch it go down in flames. Now, that's not to knock the show or the man: Of all the things that have gone down in flames, Conan's Tonight Show was easily the third funniest (just behind the West Elmhurst Clown College and the homes of my childhood rivals) but down it went, regardless.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

"Hahahaha... aahahahahahaha! Who kicks the soccer ball like a queer now, Tommy Wiseman?"

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Now the deal's just been announced that he's moving to TBS . Admittedly, this is a new era and cable is a much more legitimate venue than it has been in the past... but that's like saying that the Filthy Lucre--the finest unshaven bottom-nude Gentlemen's Club and All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp Buffet this side of the overpass--has really gained in respectability since they passed that Jacket's Required policy: It is on the path to respectability, sure, but until everybody puts on some pants, it's not a place to bring your parents. Still not convinced this is still a shameful step downward? OK, consider this: The move means he'll now be opening for George Lopez.

If this image doesn't instantly fill you with disgust and rage, check your driver's license: You might be George Lopez. Conan has the better 11PM EST time slot, but he's still being immediately followed by George "I Couldn't Make Racial Humor Funny If You Duct Taped Me to Chris Rock" Lopez. The last things to be followed by George Lopez were commercials for Chinese Juice Tiger knock-offs, and the several dozen women he just raped. Conan O'Brien's last job was hosting the Tonight Show. That's Johnny Fucking Carson's Tonight Show. Now, seconds after his program finishes wrapping, you're going to see the face of George Lopez. As if they were goddamn equals! Look at this quote from TBS executives about the change: "Steve Koonin, president of Turner Entertainment Networks... pitched Lopez on the idea that both he and O'Brien are in their 40s (O'Brien turns 47 on Sunday) and appeal to a young demographic, while Leno and David Letterman are older and play to an older crowd. George saw the vision [and] picked up the phone to speak with O'Brien immediately. With his own show just months old (it began in November), Lopez agreed to have 'Lopez Tonight' pushed back an hour." The implication here being that Lopez is graciously doing O'Brien a favor by allowing his show to be pushed back because hey, they're both in their 40s, gotta show some solidarity, right? Give the little red-headed boy with abandonment issues a break!