Estimated Reading Time: 14 Minutes

One year ago, Editor-in-Chief Justin Colombo told The Turf writers that they had to deliver an insurmountable mountain of Super Bowl content. Managing Editor Ned Donovan had a reaction to it that we might call…poor. Here are a couple of choice excerpts from his astrology article:

“This can’t be too hard, right? I mean how many Zodiac signs are there? Like, four? … Twelve? There are TWELVE!? God, is it too early for a drink? YES I KNOW IT’S 9:36 AM SO WHAT?! WHAT?! DON’T TOUCH ME. I SWEAR TO GOD, COLOMBO, I WILL BREAK THAT WHOLE KINKY BOOT OFF IN YOUR–

[Editor’s Note: We made Ned take a walk.]” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN’T KEEP THE FORMATTING CONSISTENT? THIS IS A GODDAMNED ASTROLOGY ARTICLE, COLOMBO!”

Well, we asked Ned to bring this article back, because, frankly, it got a lot of clicks. We’re so sorry.

Here we Go.

What’s up, nerds. Note the period, not a question mark. Because I don’t actually care. As someone who hasn’t even watched the NFL this year, of course I’m the perfect person to write this Super Bowl piece. Thanks, Colombo. *Glares*

It turns out a whole lot of you Googled “______ Sign Super Bowl Guide”, where the blank is an Astrology sign. That is wholly unacceptable. yet despite my personal feelings here, it feels like you’re going to keep doing it. So I guess we might as well capitalize. Let’s do this.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Look. At. That. Butt.

WHOA. THIRST. TRAP. AQUARIUS. Katie Pierce, I’m gonna need you to add this incredible specimen to your scientific studies.

Sorry. I got distracted by that incredible behind. What we were talking about? AQUARIUS! Air sign; ruled by Uranus. Heh. These are stubborn, people-oriented, and dedicated people. Well I can’t think of any position on the field that applies to more than an Offensive line. They stubbornly hold out the D, they’re completely dedicated to the Back, be they full, quarter, or running, and dedicated to the cause of keeping them upright. Oh, and who has the greatest O Line coach of all time? That would be Dante Scarnecchia of the New England Patriots.

VERDICT: Patriots.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)

These fish be happy

Likeable. Energetic. Passionate. Sensitive. Have you all seen Sean McVay’s speech he gave to young quarterbacks at the QB Collective?

Because it’s pretty damned magical. He’s smart, he’s arguably coach of the year, Anthony Lynn be damned. He’s also younger than Tom Brady, which I think is hilarious going into this Super Bowl.

His whole speech was to the attendees of QB Collective and really struck a chord with me when I watched it back in July. The thesis? Be Passionate. Be Yourself.

Sean McVay delivers a message on the powerful role authenticity plays in leadership. Be passionate and be yourself #QBCollective pic.twitter.com/pDTPjGQc37 — QB Collective (@QB_Collective) July 16, 2018

VERDICT: Rams

2 down, 10 to go. *Shudders* I can’t believe I agreed to do this. Sleep with one eye open, Colombo. –What? That was out loud?! That’s not good.

I rescind my prior threat of harm. ARIES!

Aries (March 20 – April 20)

THE GOATS! –What? I swear to god, Colombo, if you keep interrupting m–Oh, it’s a ram? I’m looking at that picture and its clearly a Goat. I what? I should check out what I wrote last time? Okay hold on.

The Zodiac sign of the ram. It feels weirdly wrong to not award this automatically to the Los Angeles Rams, but, you know, they’re not in the Super Bowl. So be better next time, guys, and maybe you too can be selected in a meaningless filler article about Astrology.



Welp.

VERDICT: Rams

Taurus (April 20 – May 21)

There is a video game character this reminds me a lot of and I can’t think of it. Can anyone tweet me the answer?

Alright, Taurus. Whatchu got? Okay so at the end of this I’m going to put up the picture from the website I went to to learn about Taurus. Because it is a fabulous bull and I need you all to experience it. However because of this emo video game bull to my left, I can’t post it yet without breaking the website. *sigh*.

Pleasure Seeking, Loves Control, Dependable, Provokes Slowly, High Sensual in nature. It also says “Taurus’ symbol is the bull because this sign’s characteristic is to be peaceful and methodical. Which, unless we’re talking Ferdinand, which I’m pretty sure is all about overcoming stereotypes (right? English majors?) then that is the exact opposite of what I think of Bulls. In fact I’m pretty sure I’ve thought Taurus’ were aggressive my entire life due to the Bull being their sign. Which may make me xenophobic against Bulls? My bad.

Anyways, these are the things the internet tells me about Taurus. Well, I think we have to turn to the NFL’s newest stud. Ted Rath.

O casal Ted Rath e Sean McVay é minha nova meta pic.twitter.com/toHt5yYy20 — Tá indo não sei pra onde 🥑 (@nanabarsih) January 22, 2019

Look at that guy. He’s hot, he’s attentive, he’s dependable, and there is little that describes what he’s doing better than “high sensual in nature”. A direct quote from the site I’m stealing Zodiac information from. Did I mention he can get it? Because Ted Rath can get it.

VERDICT: Rams

Oh, I promised you the fabulous bull from the website. CHECK. THIS. OUT.

🎵 I realize love is ours by the stars in your eyes. 🎵

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

“Stare into my eyes, brother. Let the hate consume you.”

We have not reached the halfway point. I remember why I had a meltdown last year. But I’m vowing to be calm this time. So calm. Very calm. I am the calmest.

Also my mouse took .03 seconds too long to get to a spot on this screen and I almost threw my computer out the window.

Calm is my very essence.

Look, Gemini is the sign of twins, and last year we awarded this to the Patriots because they had Cody and Jacob Hollister on the team. Now this year I haven’t been watching and had heard exactly nothing about the Hollister twins so I assumed they weren’t on the team anymore. You know what a very fast Google taught me? THEY ARE! That means that there is not one, but TWO SETS OF TWINS ON THE SUPER BOWL-BOUND PATRIOTS.

Yes, because never forget the wonder that is the McCourty twins. Devin appearing in his fifth Super Bowl, Jason is appearing in his first ever playoffs. Man, what a difference 24 minutes of labor can make, huh? WHAT, COLOMBO? OH I CAN’T MAKE THAT JOKE?! Whatever, they’re doing fine.

It's not every day you get to play in the Super Bowl alongside your twin brother. @McCourtyTwins | @Patriots pic.twitter.com/61wXZ0T4Qc — NFL Films (@NFLFilms) January 24, 2019

VERDICT: Patriots

Cancer (June 21 – July 23)

This is actually two crabs about to go to head to head in Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots

So I’m a Cancer, which means by default this has to go to the Patriots. However despite this being a comedy piece and all, the word Cancer is a huge trigger to me. I spent 2016 and 2017 burying my parents to that horrible disease. On both sides of the Super Bowl matchup are families who have been affected by Cancer.

Most publicly, Robert Kraft’s wife Myra passed away from cancer in 2011. However both teams have numerous stories dealing with the silent killer. Nate Solder’s son battled cancer. A current Patriots cheerleader is a cancer survivor. However there is one story that came up this season that made it to me, even despite my not watching.

Los Angeles Rams Wide Receiver Robert Woods has the same ritual during every pre-game warmup. He kneels in the end zone and prays. At the end he stands up, and makes a big ‘O’ above his head. It’s a celebration of the life of his big sister Olivia, who passed away from a Sarcoma when she was 17.

For a tear jerker, I recommend checking out this article. I hope the Rams lose this weekend, but I will continue rooting for Robert Woods anyways.

VERDICT: Rams

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Yo this cat just wants a treat. Look at that paw.

Generous, Organized, Protective, Beautiful. Harsh on the other zodiac symbols, no? Sorry guys, not born from July 23 to August 23? You’re not beautiful. The cosmos never lies.

If we take those traits and go looking into the NFL, though, I wonder where we’re going to end up? Well considering I have a preconceived requirement to end 6-6 on these– YES COLOMBO, I’M TELLING THEM HOW THE SAUSAGE GETS MADE. BITE ME.

[Editor’s Note: We will not be biting Ned]

STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF IN THE GODDAMN ROYAL WE.

Anyways, Leos. Well this one is going to the true beauty of the Super Bowl. Tom Brady.

With all feelings set aside, Tom Brady sure is an attractive man. pic.twitter.com/ufxhDJbDd5 — Em (@EKonvalinka) February 6, 2017

SWOON



VERDICT: Patriots

Also, does the one in the lower left just not look like Tom Brady to anyone else? Like someone snuck another dude’s picture in there as a joke?

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

The ancient Roman version of “is this a meme?”

How we doing everyone? YOU ALL DOING GOOD?! BECAUSE I JUST USED A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE TO SHOOT STRAIGHT MONSTER ENERGY DRINK INTO MY HEART AND I’M F**KING PUMPED TO WRITE ABOUT ASTROLOGY.

[Editor’s Note: We’ll make sure he gets to the hospital after this.]

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE ROYAL WE?!

Anyways, Virgos. It’s your turn. You’re apparently particular, logical, practical, have a sense of duty, and critical. You know who fits all of those categories? The New England Patriots.

Their rallying cry of “Do Your Job” seemed to practically kick off this now overly common way of selling playoff gear, by every team having a single phrase as their rallying cry. Yet the patriots do it better than anybody. We’re Still Here. Do Your Job. The Patriots’ sense of duty is on public display, and for that, Virgo’s should root for them this time around.

VERDICT: Patriots

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Much like last year, I see a mopey dude with downturned eyes. Sorry mopey scale man.

Balanced, seeks beauty, sense of justice.

I’m tempted to give this to neither team since last week they both were culprits with the refs in some of the worst officiating calls I’ve ever seen. A pure lack of justice existed from these teams. But Justin tells me I have to select a winner, YEAH I’M CALLING YOU OUT COLOMBO! So I did some soul searching and came up with this answer.

TODD GURLEY! He’s the most BALANCED running back in the NFL. As a runner, as a receiver, inside, outside, in the slot, dude does it all. Any team would kill to have him, and for THAT Libras, you’re rooting for the Rams.

VERDICT: Rams

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

This scorpion got skills. He’s doing shadow puppet ducks with his claws AND his tail.

I LOVE SCORPIO! THEY’RE MAYBE MY FAVORITE ASTROLOGY SIGN! Why? Well Scorpions are badass. Also they reflect EXACTLY how I feel right now. Combative. So we’re going to give this to the most combative player of the last couple weeks.

Rams cornerback Nickell Robey-Coleman. The NFL’s newest Heel.

Why is he combative? Let me count the ways:

First there was the actual massacre he laid down on a Saints wide receiver that was a deciding factor in the Saints not going to the Super Bowl. A move that he himself admitted was intentionally illegal. Hey, at least he admitted it.

THEN he had the audacity to go out and say that age has obviously affected Tom Brady. If what he means is, Tom Brady used to throw for 4,800 yards a season and only threw for 4,355 in 2018, then he’s right. Tom Brady has lost a step. But let’s not forget that he’s back in his ninth Super Bowl, competing for his sixth ring. He’s also the oldest Quarterback to appear in a Super Bowl, beating the record set by HIMSELF.

[Editors’ Note: *AHEM*]

THE F**K DO YOU WAN– Oh, right. This is about Robey-Coleman. Look, the dude is combative. That’s all I’m saying. ADVANTAGE RAMS

VERDICT: Rams

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 22)

He’s gonna shoot himself in the tail. Ouch.

If my math is correct, The Rams are up 6-4 in this super scientific– YES I KNOW ASTROLOGY IS NOT A SCIENCE, COLOMBO. IT WAS A F**KING JOKE.– survey. So that means the Patriots need to take the next two fields in order to meet the requirements for this article. Well guess what? I’m not sure if that’s going to happen. Because guess what Sagittarius– CHRIST THAT IS A HARD F**KING WORD TO SPELL– has for its description?

Happy, absent minded, creative, adventurous.

Oh. Shit. Yeah that’s Gronk. Okay, fair play Patriots, your resident golden retriever puppy can win a thing.

Gronk is a national treasure😂 pic.twitter.com/69S9JUCbcZ — Bostons Diehards (@WTP_BDiehards) January 30, 2019

VERDICT: Patriots

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

All jokes aside, actually what the f**k is happening in this picture?

HERE. WE. GO. FINAL ONE, BABY. LET’S GO OUT WITH A BANG ON ASTROLOGY. That could have sounded better.

Also everyone take a second to look at the abomination photo I found for Capricorn. Literally what the hell is going on?

Capricorns are timeless, driven, calculating, ambitious.

I really was excited to find a Ram in order to make it not be 6-6 JUST TO SPITE YOU, COLOMBO. But this one’s too obvious. For his second nod on this list, it’s the man who’s mastered time, Tom Brady.

Who picked this music? 🎶 #Allmylife #SuperBowl

The timeless love story of Tom Brady & Bill Belichick! 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/ZdpDQlffZv — MYREE (@MyreeATL) February 5, 2017

He’s like 108 years old, and has proven that this league literally doesn’t matter. In fact, if he wins this Super Bowl, they’re going to be creating a 13th Zodiac symbol just for him. The reshuffling of Astrology dates will be awkward, but worth it. Congrats Tom, thanks for equalizing.

VERDICT: Patriots

WE’RE DONE

I’m so happy, y’all. We did it. With no thanks to Colombo. F**k that guy. Am I right? What’s that, Colombo? You’d like to see me in your office and it’s definitely not to fire me? Well then what’s it for. Chocolate? Oh, I’m in.