AN UNDISCLOSED BASEMENT FULL OF JALAPENO MAC ‘N CHEESE OR SOMETHING – Luke Gatti sits in a beanbag chair, smiling, as he watches a new legendary UConn douchebag emerge: Lucian Wintrich tackling a girl for stealing a piece of paper off his podium.

BREAKING: @lucianwintrich appears to attack a @UCONN student during speech after she took something off podium. pic.twitter.com/WAcNYAak7c — Kevin Galliford (@KallMeKG) November 29, 2017

“See right there,” Gattis said, excitedly, “as he sees that she steals his paper and chases her down like a kid on a playground who got his ball taken away? God, what a douchebag right? Like, man, at least I was blacked out.”

Lucian Wintrich, a proud white supremacist and men’s rights activist, was invited to speak at UConn by the UConn College Republicans because, presumably, they weren’t getting enough attention. Donning a lil’ tuxedo and a slideshow arguing he was the a member of the master race, Wintrich became enraged when a small girl quickly swiped his speech of “white people good, brown people bad” written on it/napkin with Ben Shapiro’s penis drawn onto it/letter from his mom stating “you’re a good boy” off his podium and ran away. “Just trying to retrieve his belongings,” in the same way Gatti was “Just trying to get a jalapeño mac ‘n cheese,” Wintrich quickly resorted to violence, like any cute lil’ guy wearing a cute lil’ tuxedo at mom’s wedding would.

Wintrich is somewhat very proud of his actions (because of course), and has spent the morning RTing Ann Coulter and other notable right wing activists backing up the statement that the small girl in the bookbag “stole his property” so he had every right to try to tackle her to the ground, like an eight year old would his older sister.

“Take it from me buddy,” Gatti said. “When you’re the victim of the crime of being a lil’ white guy not getting your way, the best way to handle it is to first accost the person accosting you verbally, and then initiate contact with two stiff fingers to the chest. It’s like, be a man amiright?”

Whether any of this will matter or whether it’ll just add to the constant barrage of suffocating social media diarrhea that just pulls us collectively into a deeper depression on a daily basis is yet to be seen. But let’s be real, it’ll be the latter because everything sucks and nothing matters.

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