A joke from a teacher or classmate about the struggling Colorado State University football team would make Max McDonald want to walk out of the class.

All the rage directed at players and coaches on social media following a Rams loss led the junior linebacker to shut down as struggles on the field bled over to school and his personal life.

The Fort Collins native and former Rocky Mountain High School football star had to do something — something he now calls one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

He admitted he wasn’t OK.

“It’s not something that’s easy to go admit that you’re struggling as a person. It’s not like I rolled my ankle and ‘Hey, I know how to rehab this and go get better,’ ” McDonald said. “It’s ‘I have to go figure out and find something that I don’t know how to do and to admit that I’m hurting and I need help.’

"That’s hard to do, man. That’s one of the most difficult conversations I’ve had in my life.”

A growing battle with anxiety and depressive thoughts led McDonald to CSU football coach Mike Bobo’s office in the fall.

McDonald said he suffered from growing anxiety during both the 2017 and 2018 football seasons and was struggling to keep football worries from impacting his school and personal life.

It came to a head early in the 2018 season. After CSU beat Arkansas on Sept. 8, he neared a tipping point.

“Going into the Florida game, after Arkansas, I had a bunch of anxiety attacks,” McDonald said. “I couldn’t really make it through a day at the time. I was having them during practice, during class, at night doing homework. I was just struggling with that.”

He says he struggled to focus on classwork and ended up skipping a lot of classes while also having difficulty locking in on football.

After the game at Florida, Bobo and McDonald had an intense personal conversation. Bobo shared scripture passages with McDonald, who laid out everything he was dealing with. Tears and hugs were shared.

“I could tell he was really, really struggling,” Bobo said. “I said, ‘If you were my son, we have to take some time away from football.’ I said, ‘I know you love football, but we have to step away. We’ve got to figure out what’s going on and get you back where you’re excited about school, you’re excited about football practice, you’re excited about playing in the games.’ If it was my son, I would be saying that.”

Then, the kid who grew up in Fort Collins dreaming of playing for his hometown Rams stepped away from the team.

Bobo kept it quiet, letting McDonald share his reasons with teammates when and how he wanted. To the public, Bobo simply said McDonald was away for personal reasons.

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A needed change of pace

That’s when McDonald said the process of improving his mental health really began.

He spent time with counselors and a team chaplain. He found a meditation app he uses to help guide him through connecting his mind and body.

Typically an excellent student, the computer information systems major had seen his grades drop as he struggled. He met with professors to get back on track.

For the first time in his life, McDonald’s schedule wasn’t built around a sport. He started going to Horsetooth Reservoir to spend time with nature or go to a park to read. He took up journaling and found that putting his thoughts on paper at the end of the day has helped him see what’s worth worrying about and what isn’t.

McDonald said he’s learning how to find balance.

“For me at least, I always felt my self worth was tied into how I performed on the field and how we did as a team," he said. "The last two years that really got to me. It gave me a lot of anxiety just to go to school, to see people in general, especially when we started doing not so good.”

Now, separate notebooks for football and school help McDonald compartmentalize the different aspects of his life, of his persona.

“I’m a person in my 20s, and everyone is on their own journey and everyone is at a different part of life, and I’ve got to go and figure out what I need to do in life on my own. That doesn’t necessarily tie in to the result at the end of the day on a Saturday," he said. "I can’t let what that does and all the talk that comes with that carry over and affect my personal life and affect my school life and let it have an effect on all the phases of my life.”

The key word in McDonald's life has become “intentional.”

He works to be intentional in everything he does, focus on one thing before moving to the next. Good or bad, when a test in school is done, he tries to move on to the next task. If football practice goes poorly, he works to keep it from impacting his homework.

Some days are easier than others, McDonald said, but he knows that the path to personal improvement — and personal acceptance — is a lifelong journey.

"As long as I’m intentional about it and accept that I’m on a journey, I’m going to figure it out, it’s going to be OK.”

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Returning to the Rams

When McDonald left the team, he was flooded with texts from teammates asking where he was. Players reached out to say they were thinking about him.

When the Rams played New Mexico on homecoming on Oct. 13, McDonald stood among the fans during the team's Ram Walk into the stadium. About 60 players came to him with hugs during the walk. McDonald realized his journey needed to include the teammates who had become like family.

He slowly reintegrated into the program.

McDonald and strength coach Joey Guarascio started working out away from the team. Guarascio became one of McDonald’s closest confidants and helped him to rebuild both mentally and physically.

“Do you think you’re at the point where you think you can start getting at least in the building, start working out?” Guarascio asked McDonald. “We can give you a goal and have you obtain that goal ... ‘My goal today is to get to a workout and just work out.’ ”

Guarascio set small goals — like making his bed in the morning and showing up to work out — to set up small victories, reminders that achievement is weighed in what you did, not what you didn’t do.

“I was like, ‘You’re doing more than what 99.9 percent of the population does. You’re a computer engineer major that has a 3.8 GPA,” Guarascio said. “You’re a very successful athlete. You’re doing all these things.’”

McDonald starting practicing on CSU's scout team. Late in the season, he had a discussion with Bobo about whether he was ready to return to the lineup, but they decided he still needed more time.

McDonald shut down any further thought of playing again in 2018.

By the time spring practice began in February, a new-look McDonald was on the field. His hair was bleached blond. He had bulked up from 220 pounds to 240.

He quickly earned a starting job. The linebacker who dominated at Rocky Mountain and had shown flashes of that same ferocity at CSU started to show consistent excellence on the field.

The redshirt junior is now likely to start at middle linebacker for the Rams when they open the 2019 season on Aug. 30 against the University of Colorado in the Rocky Mountain Showdown.

All agree that the growth McDonald has made mentally is making the biggest difference.

“I’m so excited about him and where he’s at. I feel like he’s having a good time,” Bobo said. “I feel like he’s in a better place and has a better perspective on life and what he’s trying to do, and I think it’s freed him up to play better football.”

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Mental health wall

Conversations about mental health can be hard to initiate, especially in the realm of male sports.

The stereotype of the big, tough football player who can’t be broken is still celebrated in modern American society.

McDonald said that when he started sharing his struggles, teammates began to share theirs. It’s a slow process and everyone has a different fight, but McDonald is intent on helping keep those conversations going.

“There is a stigma out there in society, and then you’ve got to be a man and be tough and shut up about it, you’ve got to be the big football player, the big man on campus, you’ve got to be the community leader," he said. "You’ve got to keep it to yourself and just keep grinding."

But McDonald realized that his struggle with anxiety couldn't be a solo pursuit. Instead of seeing it as a marathon — something one endures on their own — he began to see it as a wall that only words could begin to break down.

Now he has a message to share with anyone feeling the isolation that comes with staring at that wall.

“Break it down and actually open up," he said. "Because until I did open up, I didn’t know how many people actually cared. Then you open up and realize, 'My whole team cared.'

"My whole team missed me while I was gone. All my coaches cared. All my teachers were willing to work with me to get past that. All my friends were willing to meet with me and hang out. A lot more people than you would think care and want to go out and meet you past halfway. You just have to be able to open yourself up and kind of tear down that wall.”

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Help is available

Numerous national, regional and local resources are available for people struggling with anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide. Resources are also available for family members and loved ones of those who are struggling.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America offers numerous resources at adaa.org.

If you're having suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or call 911.

The Health District of Northern Colorado offers suicide prevention training to "learn how to question, persuade and refer someone who may be suicidal." To learn more, email eleetham@healthdistrict.org or call 970-494-4370.

The Alliance for Suicide Prevention in Larimer County also offers educational programs and support groups. More can be found on the website at http://allianceforsuicideprevention.org/education-programs/.

SummitStone Health Partners offers a variety of mental health and addiction services in Larimer County. Learn more at 970-494-4200 or www.summitstonehealth.org.

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