The dilemma Two years ago, a good friend of my husband’s invited us to his intimate wedding. At the reception I leaned over the bar to grab some glasses. A woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, apologetically: “You may want to watch your dress – my husband is taking photos of your underwear.” She pointed to the father of the bride, sniggering with another man, looking at photos he’d taken on his phone. I was mortified, panicked and confused. He came over, put his arm around me and said: “Now, now. You don’t want to make a fuss at my daughter’s wedding. It was just a bit of fun.”

I cannot let it go. I am mad at that awful man. I am mad at his complicit wife. I am mad at the guy sniggering at the photos. I am mad at my husband. I am mad at my husband’s friend. And I am mad at myself. And where are the photos now? I feel unrelenting, destructive, all-consuming, anger. Everyone’s actions, reactions and non-actions are ingrained on my memory. It festers like a wound and I’m afraid it will drive me insane. No one did anything – even, and perhaps especially, me.

Mariella replies For the sake of your mental health, you have to consider some form of redress. The guy sounds like the living definition of a total creep – slimy, sexist and unreconstructed, the type of man you really don’t want to get stuck in a corner with at a party. Since he’s as out of his time as a T-Rex wandering down Oxford Street, it can’t be long before someone identifies him for the misogynist bully he clearly is.

There are people out there tiring of evangelical feminism (despite millennia of the opposite), who might argue that it was just harmless fun at a wedding, an occasion that’s often a combustive combination of heightened emotions and excess alcohol that brings out the worst in normally rational human beings. In the idyllic, truly equal future, we might be able to overlook the odd pathetic transgression from expected normal behaviour. But right now, while we’re in the midst of seismic change, there are examples to be made – and this man has volunteered himself for the cause.

This sort of man can’t be allowed to carry on with impunity

On this occasion it looks like Mr Sleazy may have taken his salacious tendencies a step too far. His behaviour strays as close to upskirting as to be nigh on a crime – and his photos are tangible evidence of sexual harassment. On his part, the only honourable course of action would have been to cross the room, apologise and delete the offending photos in front of your eyes. Instead, he responded with menace and an insidious threat.

In a couple of decades time, once we’ve insured behaviour like this man’s is guaranteed immediate and unequivocal censure from wider society, there will be room for more light and shade.

I’d love to say that, thankfully, there’s no harm done, and therefore no point in excavating the experience, but that’s not the case. It’s far from broadly accepted that treating women as a separate species to be leered at, objectified and sniggered over, is unacceptable. As you’ve observed, everyone concerned was unwilling to confront him and he has walked away with a sense that he’s still in control and the world, especially when it comes to preying on women, remains his personal oyster.

As you say in your longer letter, no crime was committed, there have been no wider repercussions, for all we know the photos have been deleted, and you are physically, at least, unscathed. But we know this is not a victimless crime and it really isn’t enough to let him walk away oblivious to the affront he caused. The reason you are raging day and night is because you know this was offensive, unforgiveable lechery, made even more inappropriate because it occurred at his daughter’s wedding. He clearly has no respect for his wife, his child or any of her contemporaries – and that’s not the sort of man we can afford to allow to carry on with impunity.

Luckily, a lot has happened in the past two years and, unless he’s a total moron or was so drunk he doesn’t remember, I imagine the incident must play on his mind when he’s digesting the latest #MeToo headlines over his morning coffee. I’d suggest your husband makes up for his inaction by extracting contact details from his friend. You’d seriously benefit from getting your outrage off your chest, so I suggest writing a letter detailing how unacceptable, damaging and disgusting the incident was – and demanding the photographs or tangible proof of deletion.

Don’t spare your punches and close by saying that unless he apologises and sets your mind at rest about the whereabouts of the photos, you will pursue him through legal channels. Everyone fears a lawsuit so, even if there’s little grounds, it would at least leave him with nightmares equal to the ones you’ve been suffering thanks to his misogynist and wholly inappropriate behaviour.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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