by Dene Mitchell

“S port, like life, is full of idiots.”

During a lull in a recent 5-a-side game, I took a look around my team and it was obvious what a mix of players we have – from the guy that used to play semi-professionally to the beanpole with the heavy touch. Then it dawned on me – every team that I have played in has these types of players.

Current estimates, based on data from regional Football Associations, state that at least 1.5 million people are playing some form of short-sided football on a regular basis across the United Kingdom. Despite this, I would be willing to bet that in any given match you are likely to come across some, if not all, of the following five types of player.

Some are a liability, some are terrifying, and most are just plain irritating. Nevertheless, you’re sure to have come across the following five players during your amateurish travails on the five-a-side field, and having players like this will not only benefit your team but make you an unstoppable force…

The Captain

Every team has one of these, whether they like it or not. More often than not, he is self-appointed (he may even have his own captain’s armband), and his main duties involve setting up the match, booking the pitch and trying to gather enough players to allow the game to go ahead.

One of his most valuable tools is his spreadsheet, which he pores over throughout the week as his team selections chop and change right up until the final minutes before kick-off.

On the pitch, The Captain is the talker. In his eyes, any team that does not talk to each other is weak. The problem is, the instructions he barks out are rarely productive, despite what he thinks.

Shouting ‘TIME!’ may seem useful on the face of it, to point out that the player with the ball has the time and space to calmly pick out a pass, but when screamed at them from close range it usually has the opposite effect.

His favourite instruction is quite often ‘come on lads, we’ve gone quiet’ – after all, being quiet is the sign of a malfunctioning team.

Ultimately, although he can be annoying, The Captain is essential – without him you are very unlikely to have a game to play.

The Ex-Player

This guy once had a trial with Wolves as a teenager, but his career was ended abruptly due to a dodgy knee. He knows he used to be good and every part of him wants him to go 100% with the exception of that knee. He compensates for this by being bossy and blaming his team mates for anything that goes wrong.

You can easily spot him on the pitch, as he is the one wearing the knee support and is carrying a few extra pounds, which he has gained since his ‘professional’ days.

Despite his failings, if you’ve got one of these guys in your team, try to keep him sweet! His ability to pick out a pass, coupled with his ‘thunderbastard’ of a shot, will quite often mean the difference between winning and losing.

The Headless Chicken

The Headless Chicken is one of the most irritating players to play against – he just won’t stand still. He feels that in order to compensate for his lack of technical ability, he must always be on the move.

As such, the opposition find him difficult to pick up and mark, especially in the latter half of the match when everyone is too knackered to follow him around the pitch.

The problem is, despite his ‘good engine’ and his commitment, he can be equally frustrating to play with. You’ll be constantly playing the ball behind him – as much as he is unpredictable to the opposition, his own team mates do not have a clue where he is going.

As mentioned, the constant running usually makes up for a lack of skill and he will regularly lose the ball due to his heavy touch.

However, The Headless Chicken is absolutely invaluable during the final few minutes, or if you are playing a couple of games on the bounce, when his superior fitness will allow him more opportunities in front of goal.

The Psycho

This guy is terrifying. The Psycho is wired, possessed, and has a cold empty look in his eyes. If he is on your team, give him a wide berth and try not to do anything wrong where he can see you – he’ll give you hell for it.

If you’re playing against him – good luck! You think his bark is bad, his bite is even worse. He is fearless and throws himself into everything. If he’s bearing down on you, we recommend giving him the ball and getting out of his way – sometimes there are just more important things to life than football (like your life).

The Psycho is a difficult person to have on your team. You will have to treat him very carefully, watch everything you say and do. There are no such games as ‘friendlies’ and even if you win, he is still liable to sulk.

You should not overlook his positive qualities though. He is passionate and committed and he won’t shirk a tackle. He will lead by example, never giving up the fight, and he will drag his team mates kicking and screaming through a match, with a win at all costs mentality.

The Pensioner

No one wants to admit when it’s time to hang up the boots, but The Pensioner really should call it a day. There was a time when he was the young lad, begging the big boys to give him a game, but time has crept up on him and he’s now the oldest player on the pitch, by some way. However, he refuses to admit defeat and plays on regardless.

He no longer has any pace and his turning circle resembles that of an oil tanker. The young guys run rings around him and he barely lasts the full match, either through injury or complete physical exhaustion. He can’t be relied upon for a regular game, due to outside commitments (children, grandchildren, bingo).

However, when he can play he does have an important role in the team. The Pensioner has bags of experience and, despite his age, can still play a bit. Nothing fazes him as he’s seen it all before and he helps keep the young lads in check. His ability to keep the team calm and focused cannot be overlooked, especially if you’re up against a Psycho on the opposite team.

Which five-a-side player are you?

O n the face of it, you might think that you should avoid having any of these players in your team. Having more than one would seem like a recipe for all-out war. However, each comes with their own set of unique skills and in the right combination are crucial to any successful team.

It’s likely that you recognise a number of your team mates here, and this is what we love about grassroots football. With a few exceptions, pro footballers are dull, but the characters that you meet on a Monday night down on the local astroturf pitches are what make the game at this level so great.

So which one are you? And which ones are your mates? Let us know below or share this with them on Facebook and let them answer for themselves!



Dene Mitchell is a new contributor to Just Football and the founder and editor of Five-A-Side Football Coach, a blog dedicated to providing effective football training for peak performance for short-sided versions of the game. Visit his site for or tips, tactics, strategy and training advice.

(Photo courtesy of electricnude via Flickr)