We’ve got some new Obama conspiracy theories making the rounds lately, and they’re doozies. Last week, Texas Governor Rick Perry said that the immigration crisis at the U.S. border is actually the work of — wait for it — the Obama administration. Perry suggested on ABC that there was a “fairly coordinated effort” by the White House to transport immigrant children “from Central America, across Mexico and then into the United States.” (Which totally explains why they are building more detention centers to basically imprison children who do just that.)

When asked whether he actually believes such a wacky conspiracy, Perry accused the host of “putting the word ‘conspiracy’ in my mouth, which I did not say.” The host, Kate Bolduan, then reminded Perry that he had, in fact, used the phrase, “I hate to be conspiratorial.”

"And I hate to be conspiratorial, I hate to be conspiratorial," the Texas governor said in response, smiling. "I did not say I was."

"I'm just asking, governor, because words matter, you know that," Bolduan countered.

"I totally understand, but the real issue here rather than getting into a semantics battle is whether or not this president is going to lead this country," Perry dodged.

Sadly, in the pantheon of conspiracy theories about the Obama White House, Perry and Jones’ recent claims are small potatoes. Let’s have a look at some of the other craziest Obama conspiracies out there.

His Wife's Genes are being manipulated

The White House/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Not to be outdone, libertarian radio host and noted wingnut Alex Jones is now floating the proposition that Michele Obama is actually a man. Actually, that would be a slightly more sane theory than what Jones literally said, which is that the First Lady’s DNA has been tinkered with and she’s some sort of mutant. (“The very genetics of the human species across the board is being manipulated,” Jones said, noting that Michele’s shoulders are wider than he thinks a woman’s shoulders should be.) Oy vey.

Obama Is Using Mind-Control

In 2012, Republicans in the Georgia state Senate convened a hearing to discuss Obama’s plans to destroy America. By the standards of Georgia Republicans, that’s not very strange. The hearing focused on Agenda 21, a non-binding United Nations resolution that, according to some on the fringe, is actually a nefarious plot to forcibly move populations into cities and institute Communist rule (It’s not). Okay, still nothing too out of the ordinary — even national Republicans made opposition to Agenda 21 an official part of their policy plank.

But then the topic turned to mind control. According to one of the speakers, Obama had perfected something known as “the Delphi technique,” which was “developed by the Rand Corporation during the Cold War as a mind-control technique.” Ummm.

“Basically, the goal of the Delphi technique is to lead a targeted group of people to a pre-determined outcome while keeping the illusion of being open to public input,” said activist Field Searcy.

You’d think if Obama was so good at mind control, his approval rating would be higher.

Obama Went To Mars As A Teenager

In the 1980s, the CIA recruited an an elite group of teenagers to partake in a secret “Mars training class” at a California community college. After months of training, the teens perfected interstellar travel, and were able to teleport to Mars instantaneously using something called a “jump room.” Once they arrived, they were instructed to ingratiate the local Martian humanoids to human presence — while avoiding dangerous Martian predators that wanted to eat them.

That sounds like the plot to an awesome film that was never made, but alas, it’s a theory about the 44th President of the United States. A lawyer from Washington state claimed in 2011 that he and his buddy were amongst the space-traveling teens, and that one of their travel companions was — you guessed it — teenage Barack Obama. He recalls seeing Obama “staring vacantly into a ravine” near the jump room during one trip, and says that Obama is now “taller, thinner, more mature, [and] a better listener” than he was as a teen.

The blog that reported the story added, with absolutely no irony whatsoever, that these “astonishing revelations provide a new dimension to the controversy surrounding President Obama’s background.” The White House actually issued a public statement on the allegations, resulting in this amusing headline.

Obama Caused Hurricane Sandy

A lot of Republicans believe that had Hurricane Sandy not pummeled the East Coast in the closing weeks of the 2012 presidential campaign, Mitt Romney would have won the election. That assertion isn’t grounded in any empirical evidence, as Obama was solidly ahead in swing state polls before, during and after Sandy; however, proponents of this theory have at least one unusual thing going for them, which is that they’re not attempting to deny basic meteorology and science.

That can’t be said for conservative radio host Alex Jones, who makes the claim that Obama actually caused Sandy. Not in the sense that the president ignored warning signs and failed to act, but in the sense that the White House literally possesses a device that can control the weather and create hurricanes. In reality, Jones probably did more damage to the larger libertarian movement with that comment than Hurricane Katrina did to Romney’s presidential prospects.

Obama Is Setting Up Reeducation Camps

A conspiracy round-up wouldn’t be complete without an appearance by Michele Bachmann, would it? In 2009, the future failed GOP presidential candidate warned Americans of the dangers contained in a recent bill passed by Democrats that expanded Americorps. According to Bachmann, this was just a slippery slope to a reality where young people were forced into “re-education camps” and indoctrinated with liberal beliefs at the expense of the American taxpayer.

“I believe that there's a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service,” Bachmann said. “And the real concern is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go and work in some of these politically correct forums.”

Bachmann added that “there’s a philosophical agenda behind this,” which is an odd thing to say, given that the only agenda philosophers have is, basically, to argue about impossible hypothetical scenarios in coffee shops. (I was a philosophy major).

OBAMA Gave american territory To Russia

In the just-plain-ignorant category, we have Wes Riddle, a former candidate for the Texas legislature who said that Obama should be impeached for “giving away seven strategic, resource-laden Alaskan islands to Russia.” He said that the agreement was conducted “in total secrecy, not allowing the state of Alaska to participate in the negotiations.”

Okay, fact check: The islands that Riddle was referring to were indeed handed over from the U.S. to Russia — in 1991, by President George H.W. Bush, with the support of the two senators from Alaska. So, umm, no scandal there.

What’s most instructive in this case isn’t Riddle’s ignorance, but what exactly he was implying: That Obama essentially surrendered American power to Russia for no reason other than that he wants to usher in the downfall of the United States. And because of this conviction — which isn’t based in one iota of fact — Riddle thinks that the president should be removed from office.

Conspiracy theorists, am I right? What class.