I found this write-up from a while back while going through the files on my computer and figured I would post it on here. I did this before I had this blog, during the 2012 presidential election season. I decided to assign a player to a cabinet position under “President John Calipari.” No one from this year’s team is on the list, only players who have played and moved on. Enjoy.

UK Basketball Cabinet

Because this is a presidential election year, and because UK Basketball is year-round, I thought it would be fun to appoint the cabinet positions for UK basketball, since John Calipari’s arrival. This year, notwithstanding, I looked at former players who have made an impact on UK in their year(s) with us and thought about which position they would be appointed if a cabinet was established. For you non-political junkies, the president’s cabinet is a group of people appointed by each president to different departments as the heads of those departments; they report directly to the president and help in his decision-making. Let’s start with the obvious one:

President: John Calipari

This is a no brainer. The president runs the country day in and day out with no rest, and if there is one thing we can say about Coach Cal, it’s that there are few days of rest. The man must never sleep. He knows the pulse of BBN, much like the president must know his country’s needs, and John Calipari is a master at meeting those needs and exceeding expectations. From handing out biscuits and pizzas to Big Blue Madness campers, to reuniting the ’96 national champs for a scrimmage against fantasy campers, President John Calipari gets “it.”

Department of State: Enes Kanter

The Department of State is the governmental department that deals with the nation’s foreign interests and affairs, and who better to serve as the Secretary of State for UK Basketball than our very own Turkish Terror, Enes Kanter. Even though #0 never saw the floor for UK, he won us all over with his Undertaker obsession and “what-ifs” if he had been eligible to play. Enes serves as a great recruiting tool for future foreign recruits who want to challenge the NCAA and their NBA draft success speaks volumes for how much Cal and Co. helped him. Also, he now posts photos of his ridiculous training regimen and Thor-like physique.

Department of Treasury: Big Blue Nation

What good are a president and his cabinet if they don’t have any money coming in to use? That’s where the Department of Treasury comes in, handling the revenue generated for the government. BBN is the only choice for UK’s Treasury Department. We pack Rupp Arena for every game, 23,000 strong, while traveling all across the country to watch our team. Without BBN, as Cal always points out, UK Basketball wouldn’t exist. Just don’t let Kige handle the money.

Department of Defense: Anthony Davis

With his 7 foot 4 inch wingspan, Davis was the prototypical Secretary of Defense for UK Basketball. From his first game on, AD was swatting shots left and right, even crafting the complex technique of keeping the ball in bounds after a block. It was exciting to watch player after player attempt to get past Davis, only to see their shots swatted back. Davis broke the NCAA freshman record of blocks in his lone year at UK, proving that there is no one better to bolster the Department of Defense for your Kentucky Wildcats.

Department of Justice: DeAndre Liggins

If there were one player under Cal who could lock down an opponent and bring the hurt every game, it would be Liggins. After mediocre years under Billy G, Liggins flourished under Cal and became the ultimate defender on a Final Four squad. It was his key block against UNC that set up his own 3 that sealed the Elite Eight win and brought UK back to the promise land. Justice was sure to be served every night Liggins went out there to defend, and we hope he brings that same justice to OKC.

Department of Interior: DeMarcus Cousins

I don’t think anyone is going to argue with choosing the man-child that was DeMarcus Cousins for heading the Interior Department. Cousins was a dominant post player while at UK, rebounding and scoring almost at will. There were few players in the country that could match up with him, and when Boogie got going, no one was going to stop him. Sure, he had a short temper, but most of the time that temper was channeled into absolute dominance on both ends of the court. Ask Jared Swopshire and I think he would agree with this appointment.

Department of Agriculture: Josh Harrellson

Missouri native Josh Harrellson had the ultimate mixture of finesse and grit that makes him an excellent choice to head the Department of Agriculture. A country boy at heart, Harrellson came to the ultimate agriculture state when he arrived at UK, and under Calipari, became a star for his hard work and complete turnaround on the basketball court. It will be fun to see how Harrellson handles South Beach, Miami, the absolute farthest you can get from the farmlands. Country strong, y’all.

Department of Commerce: Terrence Jones

The Department of Commerce in the U.S. is tasked with providing growth and development throughout the country. Terrence Jones is the perfect choice for this appointment, seeing as how he grew and developed in two years at UK from a player many were frustrated with, due to lack of hustle or aggression (remember “selfish mother——!”?, to a retooled monster under the basket during the national title run. Jones returned for his sophomore year when many thought he would (or should) declare for the draft, but in the end, everyone can agree he made the right decision.

Department of Labor: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist

To have the success UK players have had, you have to have a mix of talent and determination to succeed. No player fused those two traits together more seamlessly than MKG. Always the first one in and the last one out, MKG was the definition of labor while at UK. The kid never took a second off, constantly hounding his defender and doing the little things that make a big difference in the outcome of a ballgame. Add in his down to earth persona, and there is no better choice to lead UK’s Department of Labor.

Department of Transportation: Doron Lamb

There is nothing a great shooter needs more than the ability to move without the ball, and no one has been better under Cal than Lamb. Transportation was not an issue with Doron, as he was constantly moving through screens to get open for the shot. Players like Rip Hamilton come to mind when you think of good off the ball movers in the NBA. Let’s hope UK’s Secretary of Transportation, Doron Lamb, can find the same professional success.

Department of Energy: John Wall

The 2010 recruiting class was the return to prominence UK fans had been clamoring for since Tubby’s departure, and this class was bolstered by the #1 prospect and future dancing internet sensation, John Wall. No one in the past three years brought more energy or was more electrifying than Wall in the open court. From throwing down on the poor IU player, the behind the back layup against LSU, and the game winning jumper in his first game, John Wall was the explosive player UK had been missing for years and put us back on the map in no time.

Department of Education: Brandon Knight

If you listen to the UK detractors or Pete Thamel or Bobby Knight, not only have you not gotten this far down this post, but you would also have the impression that UK basketball players don’t go to class, have never went to class, and couldn’t find a classroom if they had to. Cal, however, has discounted this myth at every turn, making it a point to mention each team’s GPA. There is one player who personifies the term “student-athlete” like no other, and this is Brandon Knight. He famously had a 4.0 high school GPA and was known to quote Shakespeare. No one makes a more perfect fit for UK Basketball’s Department of Education than the cerebral Brandon Knight.

Department of Veteran’s Affairs: Patrick Patterson

There haven’t been very many textbook “veterans” under Calipari, and his one and done system is one that everyone can agree on is one of the best UK players ever, Patrick Patterson. Originally recruited by Tubby, coached by Billy G during the Dark Ages, and finally used to his full potential under Cal, Patterson was the veteran on the 2010 squad that provided the needed leadership and guidance for the team to reach the Elite Eight. Patterson may end up being one of the few players who makes it to their junior year under Coach Cal.

Department of Homeland Security: Darius Miller

Last, but certainly not least in the hearts of all of BBN, is the Homeland Security Director for UK, Darius Miller. Miller’s struggles were chronicled under Billy G, and there were rumors he would transfer; luckily, he stuck it out and not only became a beloved figure, but hit the Triple Crown of Kentucky by winning Kentucky Mr. Basketball, a Kentucky State Championship, and a UK National Championship. Miller is an in-state kid who lived the dream of every young boy in Kentucky, and for that, he is the ultimate choice for the UK Homeland Director. No one knows BBN like Darius Miller.