There comes a right of passage of every New Yorker when eventually they come across the one room mate they will never forget in a long time. Mine came 3 years ago when it turned out my friendly coy new room mate Joey was also Joey the friendly coy heroin dealer of the block. Of course I couldn’t resist the temptation to watch in disarray and in complete amazement as the next 3 months spawned a lot of writing material and the tell tale signs of when your new room mate is a junkie. In my case I got the bonus addition of Joey not only being a dealer but a premium junkie too. That said let’s re-live some of the fond memories I personally hope you will never ever come up against.

Give away sign number 1:

1/ Junkies prefer the evening. If you room mate is quiet during the day it’s because he is catching up on sleep. Not to fear, you will soon be seeing them get up circa 4pm in the afternoon where they then proceed to make a lot of hushed phone calls.

2/ Junkies prefer eating your food. Why? Because they need every dollar they can get to tend to their fix.

3/ Junkies are perpetually walking around in dark sun glasses even at night time.

4/ Your table spoons are always missing. Trust me you don’t want to use them after they have been used in the way you least imagined them.

5/ Junkies like to hang around with other junkies. If you continuously notice a weird motley congregating in your room mates room, trust me – they are not playing video games.

6/ Your room mate doesn’t have a job or was recently fired from a job. This allows them more time to concentrate on their real passion.

7/ Your room mate breaking down for no apparent reason. It’s best to ignore these ‘temper tantrums,’ nod your head convincingly before shaking it in despair once they have returned to their room for a re fill.

8/ Your room mate is always asking you to lend them money.

9/ Your room mate never ever eats.

10/ The empty syringes accidentally left in the bathroom.

A history of the world’s worst room mates.

How I learned to love the needle.