CORTLAND, NY—Amid mounting scrutiny over scandals involving last September’s attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, the IRS’ alleged targeting of conservative groups, and the Department of Justice’s spying on the Associated Press, Obama supporter Jake Maynard reportedly devised a perfectly implausible explanation Thursday that frees the president from any blame. “Look, he’s the President of the United States of America; how could he possibly be involved in or aware of every single high-level action taken by the prominent government agencies he oversees?” said Maynard, noticeably perspiring as he explained the completely illogical reason why the President of the United States will emerge from this week’s scandals unscathed. “Let’s watch this thing play out. I have no doubt that in a week, more than enough evidence will come out showing he had nothing to do with any of this. You’ll see.” Maynard, whose voice quavered several times during his asinine explanation, ended his perfectly invalid defense of the president by stressing that this was all politics and that “none of this would even be happening if the president were someone other than Obama.”

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