CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how sorry we are for any emotional harm that we might have caused the victims by once again unloading half a ton of our band’s excrement onto their cruise boat,” said tour manager Bryan Stewart, noting that while band members knew they were playing with fire when they decided to unload their septic tank into the Chicago River, none had expected the exact same set of individuals would be traveling beneath the Kinzie Street Bridge at the exact moment the foul-smelling torrent of feces hit the water. “Now, some might argue that after being caught once in a cascading slurry of brownish-yellow fecal matter, these specific people would have been wiser to avoid Chicago architecture cruises entirely. But obviously, the blame falls squarely on us. We thought we learned a lot from this unfortunate accident, but clearly we didn’t learn enough.” At press time, band leader Dave Matthews had personally offered to provide free lifetime concert tickets to the victims if this somehow happened a third time.

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