THE global search for a man who has not seen pornography has been abandoned after the discovery of a tattered copy of Knave stashed under a tribal totem in the South Pacific.

Experts claimed the internet has increased porn availability to such an extent that if the average man stayed off youporn or The Hun for a fortnight he would explode in a sticky mist of compacted semen.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We have opened a Pandora's Box of filth. Which is, ironically, also the name of one of my favourite sites. God, did I just say that?"

The Institute found that even in those areas of the globe without internet access, men have managed to access or create sleazy, debased images.

Professor Brubaker added: "Even the Kalahari bushmen, having first told their wives that they are off hunting large mammals, go off and create simple pornographic drawings in sand, using bits of dried bark for pubes.

"And despite their ancient way of life and their innate oneness with nature, these tribesmen still recognise the term 'shaven haven'."

Professor Brubaker admitted the quest for a porn-free male was finally over when the Institute discovered an unnamed tribe who worship driftwood living on a previously uncharted archipelago.

"The people seemed completely innocent, open, untainted by facsimiles of deviant sex acts. That was until we found a very well-thumbed copy of the Knave 'Girls of Summer Special 1987', buried under a makeshift shrine. God only knows how it got there.

"Of course they all denied ever having seen it before, and then pretty much every male in the village volunteered to take it to the beach so that he could personally throw it away."