CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Almost every suburban dad that ever planted bamboo in his garden over in the post-Don Burke gardening renaissance of the early 2000s, is seriously regretting it.

That’s according to a recent report by the independent amateur horticultural body Fathers And Registered Greenthumb Males Enthusiastically Dedicated to Aesthetic Descisions (FARGMEDAD).

Listen to our editors interview one of the great amateur gardeners below: Betoota Interviews GARY SWEET!

Lead researcher, Professor Frida Herb says what seemed like a really good way of avoiding building an actual fence line in 2003, has since resulted in about two to three week’s worth of non-stop manual labour.

“Australia’s dads have spent the best part of a decade digging up pipes that have been destroyed by boo roots” she says.

“Sure, it looked good at the time, and everyone was impressed by how fast it grew… But none of these dopey pricks realised it grows down just as fast”

Professor Frida Herb says while Australians are well known for jumping on trends, they are even more famous for not thinking said trends through.

“It’s like the blokes who plant a little bit of reefer down near the creek and reckon they are getting away with it until they realise that shit spreads like Asian Carp”

“The bamboo can and will ruin the entire plumbing system of a your average family home, within only a few short years”

“It’s like Day Of The Triffids out there. Be careful!”

The report finds that the old natural bamboo sight-screen has caused more grief for Aussie families since the nation’s mums quickly realised that oleander leaves can actually fuck up a domestic pet quite badly.