“Later, I would tell friends that if I found out that Bourdain had committed suicide, I wouldn’t be surprised.” I wrote that in 2014, describing what it had been like to meet the man and spend a long day filming with him in 2009. Today, I feel bad for having made such a coarse and uncaring comment, though it was sadly true. When I met him, he was obviously miserable. He had it all, and he hated it. And yet, most people only saw the bon vivant, the great traveler.



This is partly why it's been disappointing to read eulogies for Tony by people who didn't know him. Most of what I’ve read from people who had never met him seems inaccurate, incomplete, or just plain wrong. In my eyes, Tony was not a particularly “fearless traveler.” As far as I could tell, he did not “enjoy life to the fullest.” In real life, he was certainly not as tough or as snarky as his TV persona would have you believe.



Tony was a smart, sensitive, sad man who loved books—writing them and reading them. He showed obvious pride in his mystery novels, which relatively few read, rather than the nonfiction which made him famous. (I’ve heard a ton of people talk about how much they loved No Reservations and Parts Unknown. I haven’t heard anyone say anything about Bone in the Throat.)



I get that “Anthony Bourdain”—the public figure—meant a lot to people. He meant a lot to me, too, especially before I got to meet him. I understand that part of what it means for someone to matter is that the rest of us project our hopes and dreams onto them, to have them become the “blent air” in which “all our compulsions meet, are recognized, and robed as destinies.” But we’re not doing the real Tony any favors by believing that our projections about “Anthony Bourdain” were completely real.



From what I saw, blind adulation was not something he particularly enjoyed. To be honest, I didn’t witness him enjoying much at all during our time together. We had some real laughs and a couple of great conversations about our favorite books and writers. But the man himself was obviously unhappy.



I’m sorry I wrote what I wrote, even if it was true. And I’m truly sorry he’s gone.