In a new column for ELLE.com, R. Eric Thomas reads the news. Today he reads the third night of the DNC.

This is how I live now. This is me 100 percent of the time from now on. My name is now "Hillary Clinton walking on stage pointing at the DNC." Please don't address me by my government name.

Hillary is giving us full-on "You're my boy, Blue" right here. This is the best use of theatrical pointing since literally every performance of "And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going."

Hillary's like, "And you and you and you, you're gonna love me!"

And I'm like, "OMG YES I AM."

I don't even exist on this temporal plane anymore. I am literally just a tear duct filled with confetti.

I am Joe Biden's face now and forever.

Alex Wong Getty Images

Joe Biden's face is all of us. He is legit like, Is this real life? How is this happening? Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now.

We all went full "And Peggy."

Tom Williams Getty Images

And who wouldn't?

Alex Wong Getty Images

This is that moment when you get out of your parents' minivan on the first day of camp and you see Aparna. (Cool Aparna, not the other Aparna. Your camp has two Aparnas; the other Aparna is fine but she's no Cool Aparna. IJS.) You're like, "Yo, this summer is about to be so lit!" But you do it really chill because you're in seventh grade now and you left childish things behind.

This is that moment when the pastor starts to Preach with a capital P and you jump up out of your seat like, "Yes, you better speak the Word to ME right NOW!" Your grandmother pulls out that tambourine she carries in her purse and the whole congregation goes all the way in.

This moment is Whitney Houston and Natalie Cole at the American Music Awards forever and ever.

We are living in a GIF right now and I am HERE. FOR. IT.

Speaking of being here, I am reporting to you live from right outside my polling place. They are trying to tell me it's closed but I'm not here for any of these voter suppression antics.

I ran here right after the end of President Obama's speech last night. I was so fired up. November is too far away. Just call me Paula Cole because I don't wanna wait.

I love how the Democratic Committee was like "Hey, President Obama, we'd love a simple little speech where you pass the baton."

And Obama was like, "Oh you mean like this?"

President Obama came to snatch every single one of us bald. He's like, "Have you heard about my new initiative? It's called No Wig Left Behind."

The Washington Post Getty Images

Obama brought so many receipts, he could have just filed Trump's tax return live on television. And I would have watched it, enraptured.

I'd watch anything with him in it, actually.

That retrospective video is my favorite episode of The West Wing, by far.

Me to my fiancé: Hi, I canceled Netflix. We're just going to watch the Obama video from now on.

Me to a DJ: Hi, do you take requests?

The DJ: No.

Me: Cool. Can you play the Obama video?

The DJ: That's not a song.

Me: Cool. I'll just perform it a cappella. Hand me the mic. And turn on the fog machine please.

Me to my kids on my deathbed: Hi. Don't have a funeral for me. Just play that Obama video and read a couple of my Facebook statuses. Don't spend more than $15 on the whole thing. Oh, by the way, the treasure is buried in—::dies::

(LOL, there's no treasure. Sorrynotsorry kids! #401JK)

Anyway, I gotta go. I got a Google alert that I'm late for my afternoon appointment to stare at this photo for three hours with tears streaming down my face. So busy these days!

Robyn Beck Getty Images

Now that I think of it, maybe I will bury a treasure chest for my kids. But it's just going to have that picture in it with a note that's like, "Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now."

R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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