WASHINGTON—In the wake of this morning’s mass shooting in Alexandria, VA, every single American from across the political spectrum was reportedly able to cite the tragedy as irrefutable proof that they had been right about everything all along. “I’ve always said gun control puts our citizens at risk and makes them sitting ducks for any criminal who doesn’t play by the rules, and today, sadly, all my fears were confirmed,” said conservative Paula Frazier of Willoughby, OH, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans who said it gave them no pleasure at all to have their long-held beliefs so thoroughly validated. Added liberal Marc Watson of Savannah, GA: “When any unhinged maniac can just waltz into a store or gun show and buy a weapon specifically designed for mass casualties, this is unfortunately what happens—exactly like I’ve said from the very beginning.” At press time, every American was dejected at the thought of how soon they would be proven absolutely right once again.

Advertisement