While Alba and Holly tend to Queen Parbel, Ms Pearcey gets some unexpected assistance, and Magnus gets in trouble.

Starring:

Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix

Julian Sark as Magnus

Olivia Jon as Holly

Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey

with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice

Robert Frances as Jerome

Abbas Hussein as Guy van Fleet

Marisa King as Queen Parabel

George Bertwell as King Gunther

Michael Howie as Travin

Written by Sean Howard

Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen

Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen

Associate producers: Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse and Paul Tedesco

Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger

Executive Producer: Dave Addison.

Content warning: Fire, flood, confinement, near-drowning, interrogation and misgendering.

This episode has been brought to you by Anansi Storytime, our favourite spider sharing Fairy Tales and Folklore from cultures all over the world as audio plays. Look them up at anansistorytime.com/.

INTRODUCTION

ELI Hey! Hola! Salut! What’s up? It’s Eli, co-producer of Alba Salix, here to bring you Season 2, Episode 3. And first, I wanted to tell you a little about our Patreon. And that is a way you can support our shows, which helps us pay our actors, pay for studio time and hosting, all that stuff. So for as little as a dollar a month, you can get things like unaired scripts, writers’ notes on each episode, sound design breakdowns, deleted scenes and a ton more stuff. Plus, you’ll get access to our Discord server, where we’ve got a really wonderful, warm, supportive community of fans and creators growing. So we hope you’ll check that out. Find out all about it at patreon.com/albasalix. This episode is brought to you by Anansi Storytime. So, maybe you’ve heard of Anansi? He’s a spider from Akan folklore, and he’s also known as the keeper of all stories. So Anansi Storytime is a podcast that spins tales from all over the world into charming short audio plays. They just wrapped up their second season, which was all trickster stories, and you just know we dig a good trickster story around here. Check them out at spiderstorytime.com. And now: Alba Salix, Season 2, Episode 3.

> MUSIC STING

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING OFFICE

ALBA (reading) For colour and lettering standards, see Volume Seven, Chapter Four… (sighs)

She pulls out a heavy book and flips through it as Holly bursts in.

HOLLY Hey Alba! We’ve been summoned to the Palace.

ALBA Is it Her Majesty again?

HOLLY Yup! Time to check on the royal baby.

ALBA Which sadly means we have to check on the royal mother-to-be. And I was so looking forward to curling up with these interior signage regulations. All right.

Alba tosses the book down.

MAGNUS (blearily, from under a desk) What!?

HOLLY I’ll get your house call bag.

ALBA Thanks.

She pushes her chair back and stands.

MAGNUS Ow….

ALBA Where’s Magnus?

HOLLY (suddenly dark) WHO CARES. (chipper again) I mean… No, I haven’t seen him all morning!

ALBA Dammit. Magnus!

MAGNUS Yes, your Loudness. What is it.

ALBA Why are you under the desk?

MAGNUS It’s not my fault. It was those damn fairies… and all their prancing…

ALBA I need you to cover reception, Magnus.

MAGNUS Can’t we just close for the day?

ALBA No, we can’t. What’s wrong with you now?

Holly comes back in with a bag.

HOLLY Oh, look, there he is. Magnus came with me to the fairy circle celebration last night!

ALBA Magnus did?

HOLLY Yes! He ate all the fairy cakes…

MAGNUS Well, you guys should have stopped me.

HOLLY (still smiling) And then he made fun of everyone, knocked over one of the stones and threw up on my friend Starlight.

MAGNUS Ughhh. My head hurts.

HOLLY It serves you right!

ALBA Magnus, pull yourself together. Holly and I are off to the Palace.

MAGNUS All right, all right, all right. I got it. I’ll hold down the fort.

ALBA Thank you.

HOLLY Yay! You’re going to be an auntie, Alba. Again!

Alba and Holly hurry out. Magnus slumps into a chair.

MAGNUS Holding down the fort. Just gonna… close my eyes for a sec.

He begins to snore.

> OPENING THEME

HERALD By Appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician—Volume Two!

MAGNUS C’mon, keep it down! I’m dying here.

HERALD (whispering) Oh, sorry.

The drums kick in.

MAGNUS Aw, man!

HERALD (whispers) Episode the Third: Burning Questions.

INT. PARABEL’S CHAMBERS

Parabel’s footsteps.

ALBA I can’t examine you if you keep pacing like that.

PARABEL I think better when I am pacing.

ALBA Well, if you pace less, you might think less, and it might spare us from any more decrees about pink buildings. Sit. Holly?

HOLLY Pink is nice!

ALBA I meant, bring me the Sceptre of Sanela.

HOLLY Oh right. You got it.

PARABEL Your snide remarks aside… it’s good you are here. I’ve been thinking about how to serve those in need. How the few must sacrifice so that the many might flourish.

ALBA (under her breath) Artena, grant me strength.

PARABEL How the poor, grubby masses rely on us for their guidance and safety.

ALBA Mm hmmm.

HOLLY Here you go, Alba.

PARABEL How one Queen must rise above her people.

ALBA Well, you’ve got that part down.

Sound of magic building.

PARABEL Yes. I have risen to what my station demands of me. With this crown comes great responsibili—ouch!

The magic cuts off with a crackle.

ALBA Hold still!

PARABEL I’ve been holding still for you all morning! I need an answer.

ALBA We’re not calling a coin toss here. It’s complicated at the best of times. And the earlier we do it, the less reliable the scrying.

PARABEL The scry-ing or the scry-er?

ALBA (mutters) Well, Your Majesty’s temperament is completely normal.

PARABEL What was that?

ALBA Your humours are as well balanced as ever, your Majesty.

PARABEL I should hire a proper physician. I need to know if my child is a boy or a girl.

ALBA All the readings so far are somewhere in the middle. It could be either. Or neither. Which is why we need to recalibrate the Sceptre. It’s a very sensitive piece of—

Another rush of magic. Part of the sceptre falls off and clatters on the floor.

HOLLY I’m sorry, Alba! It’s like it jumped out of my hand.

ALBA It’s fine. Just bring me the backup calibrator from the bag.

PARABEL I’ll cancel my next appointment, shall I?

HOLLY Here you go, Alba.

Magic builds and then dies with a clunk.

ALBA Oh, now what?

PARABEL Well?

A clicking sound.

HOLLY I just charged it!

PARABEL (stands) Enough. I need to know the sex of this child, Alba.

ALBA Yes, yes. There’s so much planning to do for the baby shower.

PARABEL (paces to the window) You don’t know the half of it.

ALBA Holly, hold the sceptre. I’m going to replace the power stone.

HOLLY Holding on!

PARABEL (alone, gripping the windowsill) I see it coming. A darkness that consumes everything it touches. Kingdom by kingdom it stalks us. Until only we remain, blissfully ignorant as the mouse before the cobra strikes. Their puppet prince hungry to rule and no legitimate heir in sight…

A snap and a shower of sparks.

ALBA Dammit!

HOLLY Oh my gosh. All our equipment is failing. It’s like the baby doesn’t want us to know.

ALBA It’s an embryo, Holly, not a sorcerer. All right, let’s do this the old-fashioned way.

HOLLY A resonating salve?

ALBA Yes. Parabel, the salve we’re going to use tests the physical signs only, so it’s not always reliable at this stage—and you’re not even listening.

PARABEL Can you see them, sister? My subjects. How they scurry to attend to their duty, ignorant of the predator watching from the shadows. Such mindless little things, grovelling before their queen like… like ants, with those horrid little antenna things.

ALBA I thought we were mice.

PARABEL Ugh!

HOLLY (whispers) Alba, human babies don’t have antennae, do they?

ALBA Not typically.

HOLLY Oh. Phew! I thought I’d missed something.

ALBA Lie back, please, Your Majesty. And hold the royal garments up over your belly, thank you.

Holly opens a bottle.

HOLLY Sorry, Your Majesty. I didn’t have time to warm the salve up.

PARABEL It’s no matter. (a sharp breath in)

A shimmer of magic, more subtle and stable.

HOLLY Oh, wow. It’s starting to glow already!

ALBA So it is. Well, Your Majesty, you can break out the fireworks and the good napkins.

PARABEL It’s… good news?

HOLLY Hooray!

ALBA It’s a boy.

PARABEL What?!

ALBA As I said, it’s not one hundred percent reliable at this stage, but it appears your baby is male in body, with all the dangling bits required by ancient custom to profess your child an heir to the throne.

PARABEL No. No!

HOLLY Your Majesty!

PARABEL Get away from me.

HOLLY I’m so sorry! Do you want a towel for the salve?

Parabel snatches the towel from Holly.

PARABEL Alba. Listen to me. You must help me to hide this and speak of this to no one.

ALBA I know you had your heart set on having a third daughter of a third daughter of a third daughter. But for heaven’s sake—

PARABEL For once in your misspent life, listen to me! Our kingdom hangs by a thread! We must hide the sex of this child from everyone, forever!

ALBA What kind of life is that going to be? Parabel, come on. Sit down. Would you like a sedative? Holly, get a sedative.

PARABEL Ha! I’m just hysterical, is that it, sister?

ALBA Parabel, what’s gotten into you?

PARABEL Only concern for my child and my people. Scurry elsewhere. You are dismissed!

Parabel flows out of the room.

ALBA (sighs) As usual.

> MUSIC STING

INT. ANTALIA PEARCEY’S APARTMENT

LORIA Oh, Madam Minister… are you awake?

PEARCEY (in her sleep) No. No! Keep the boats back! Don’t let them come any closer! They’ll eat each other!

LORIA There’s no boats. Sweetie, wake up.

PEARCEY What? Oh, goodness.

LORIA Bad dreams?

PEARCEY Ministry of Transportation dreams.

LORIA I got that.

Pearcey flops back down.

PEARCEY Those are always the worst. It was the Dragon Boat-Swan Boat merger all over again. So much blood.

LORIA It’s okay.

Outside, a bell tolls the hour. Pearcey sits bolt upright.

PEARCEY Oh no, what time is it?

LORIA (yawns) We should probably get up.

Pearcey is already up. She runs around the room getting dressed.

PEARCEY We’ve overslept.

LORIA You needed your rest! You were up all night working.

PEARCEY When is my first appointment?

LORIA Your morning is open. Tally-cakes. Relax. You’ve got to treat yourself better than this. Slow down. You’ve got your shirt on inside out.

PEARCEY Oh… hells.

LORIA Or you could leave it off.

PEARCEY (laughs) Be good. We have work to do.

LORIA We tamed a fleet of dragons. Wizards should be easy.

Pearcey pours water into a basin to wash her face.

PEARCEY Ugh. It’s all the bowing that gets me. “Ah, Minister, you enlighten us SO with your interesting suggestions.” “Ah Minister, you see with such brilliance and clarity, for a commoner.”

LORIA Commoner? Did they say that?

PEARCEY Oh yes. Just yesterday. They’re all waiting it out, praying that I’m just going to disappear in a puff of smoke. And then they can get back to their incestuous, nepotistic old-wizard-club ways.

LORIA You do like a good challenge…

PEARCEY I suppose I do. Who is today’s first audience?

LORIA Oh… Let me think.

PEARCEY Or perhaps we should get our little bottom out of bed and check the diary?

LORIA Well, that’s no fun!

PEARCEY Exactly. There will be no fun in my department!

She tickles Loria, who springs out of bed.

LORIA Eek! Help! (laughing) No fun! I promise!

Screaming and laughter as Pearcey chases Loria around the room.

LORIA Okay, okay! I have the diary! Stop!

PEARCEY And our first audience…?

LORIA Is… the Office of Dissipation, Viticulture and Profligate Expenditures.

PEARCEY Well. This has all the tell-tale signs of a truly stupendous day.

LORIA (in her snooty, professional voice) Shall I fetch your robes of office?

PEARCEY. (snooty too) Yes. And my reading lenses. And a ledger, doesn’t matter which. I want them to think I’m reviewing their spending.

LORIA At once, Minister. You enlighten us SO with your wisdom…

PEARCEY Ms Berenice. Are you making fun?

LORIA Nope! No fun.

PEARCEY Oh, and has King Gunther sent word about my request?

LORIA Which request?

PEARCEY To hire an additional staff member? You did send it.

LORIA I think… Oh wait. Yeah, I did!

PEARCEY Loria.

LORIA I don’t memorize every note that lands on my desk. If you’re going to be grumpy, you can write your own requests.

She stalks off.

PEARCEY (takes a deep breath) I’m sorry, I’m just overwhelmed lately. The King expects me to overhaul a department I know next to nothing about and refuses to send me any assistance.

LORIA (clears her throat)

PEARCEY My little L‑Bear, your assistance goes above and beyond the call of duty. I speak of a need for one with less fire and duller claws.

LORIA (purrs) Meow!

PEARCEY And less temptation! Now get dressed!

A knock at the door.

PEARCEY Now what?

We follow Pearcey to the front hall. She opens the door.

TRAVIN Hey…

PEARCEY Yes? Oh, it’s… Travin, isn’t it?

TRAVIN Yeah. Hey. Package for you from Magic Support.

PEARCEY (with withering sarcasm) Oh good. What new wonder do you have for me today?

TRAVIN It’s this…

PEARCEY A rock.

TRAVIN Plus a note from the king.

PEARCEY The king? What’s the note?

TRAVIN Let’s see… (clears throat)

He unfolds a letter. Crossfade to Gunther as he writes the message at his desk.

TRAVIN AND GUNTHER “His Majesty King Gunther the Third hereby acknowledges on the 23rd day of this month of the Rooster, that he has received your—”

PEARCEY Is there any way you might be able to get to the actual message in this message?

TRAVIN Yeah, sorry.

GUNTHER Most rude. Where was I? Oh yes. The Office of Appropriations has come up with a firecracker of an idea: out-sourcing! I believe I have that right. We get the people we need but only pay a fraction of the normal costs. This is a great boon, as now we should be able to afford that state banquet next week. And those dancers from Vanyaco I’ve been so looking forward to. (clears throat, gets back on track) With that in mind, please accept this new Spectral Assistant, which I trust will serve you well. His Royal Majesty, Gunther the Third, King of Farloria and benevolent protector of—

PEARCEY Yes. Got it. Much obliged. Is he sending someone or not?

TRAVIN Yeah. That’s what this is.

PEARCEY This is a rock.

TRAVIN Yeah, so that’s your Spectral Assistant. The rock is just the hardware. Like, the physical thing it’s bound to.

Silence.

PEARCEY No. No, we’re done. You and your rock are dismissed.

She starts to shut the door.

TRAVIN Oh no, c’mon, wait. I’m supposed to deliver this to you. If I don’t, my manager is gonna be on my case.

PEARCEY Fine. Give it here. Just tell me it’s not going to go haywire and knock down the building.

TRAVIN Uh… it shouldn’t.

PEARCEY Good. Thank you.

TRAVIN You’re welcome, Madam—

Pearcey shuts the door in his face.

LORIA What is that?

PEARCEY. Don’t ask.

The calm, even voice of Leon Stamatis (of the podcast Greater Boston) emerges from the rock.

LEON Ah, good day.

PEARCEY (screams and drops the rock)

LEON My name is Leon, and I have been assigned to you by the Incorporeal Workers’ Union as part of my afterlife release program.

LORIA A talking rock?

PEARCEY Childish. Do I have Travin to thank for this hilarious joke? Or some other short-sighted, pointy-hatted imbecile?

LEON I assure you that this is no prank, Minister.

LORIA You did say you wanted someone solid…

PEARCEY Don’t you start too. I need dependable assistance, not a rock.

LEON There is nothing more solid and dependable than a rock. Rocks have stood the test of time, witnessing the rise and fall of countless civilizations. They are the very definition of dependable.

LORIA Right. So how do you assist?

LEON This piece of obsidian has been tuned and updated to run Igneous 4.2.1. It acts as an anchor for my Prescient Outsourced Presence.

PEARCEY No. I don’t have time for this.

LEON You are correct. I have taken the liberty of updating your schedule accordingly.

PEARCEY You what?

LEON Today, 8 to 8:30am. Finish getting dressed. Smart and formal attire. Consider wearing that new jacket, but settle instead on the robes of office. 9 to 9:45am. Answer summons from Queen Parabel about state of the kingdom (anticipated).

PEARCEY The Queen?

LORIA What?

PEARCEY “No morning appointments” indeed.

LORIA You don’t have an appointment with the Queen. I swear!

LEON 11 to 11:15am. Stop for food in the kitchens on the way to the Wizard’s Council. Council won’t start on time because wizards. 2 to 4pm. Summon Alba Salix. Skip small talk. Address her team’s failure to meet each and every touchstone. Be firm but understanding. Guide her to an action plan that doesn’t involve murdering members of her staff. 6:30 to 9pm. Dinner with Loria. Fettucine Portayo and braised Brassica sprouts. Dancing to follow.

LORIA Hmm!

LEON 9 to 10pm. Sex with Loria (anticipated). Suggest a “spontaneous” role-play scenario: naughty riding instructor…

LORIA (bursts out laughing)

PEARCEY All right! That’s quite enough.

LORIA Oh, I like this rock.

PEARCEY Very well. Mister…?

LEON Leon. Just Leon.

PEARCEY Mister Leon, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m going to try you out. (lifts the rock) Oof. I don’t suppose they make any spectral assistant pebbles?

> MUSIC STING

EXT. ROAD FROM THE PALACE, DAY

Sounds of the town fade into the distance as Alba and Holly walk.

ALBA We’ll have to replace that sceptre too. Hopefully it’s still under warranty.

HOLLY Alba… do you think the Queen will be okay?

ALBA She’ll be fine. It’s the baby I feel sorry for. If anything could mess a kid up more than being raised by Parabel…

HOLLY Humans get awfully wound up about who’s a girl and who’s a boy.

ALBA It’s true. She flew completely off the handle when little Coralyn decided she wanted to wear trousers.

HOLLY Is she right about the Balgomarians, though? If it is a boy, is the baby going to be in danger?

ALBA Who knows? I doubt it. Her Majesty is always being overdramatic. The Theatre Guild should give her a lifetime achievement award.

HOLLY (suddenly gasps) Oh no! Something’s on fire!

ALBA Exactly. Or “Oh no! Which of my hundred dresses shall I wear?”

HOLLY No, the House of Healing! I think it’s on fire!

Holly flies off as Alba breaks into a run.

ALBA What?! Oh gods. What’s that idiot boy done now?

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

A raging fire. The sound of rushing water and bandits yelling and pounding on the far side of an interior door.

BANDITS Boss! What do we do? Help!

MAGNUS It’s working. Ha ha, listen to them!

JEROME I don’t know, Magnus…

MAGNUS No, no! Jerome, do not get up! We have to keep the door shut!

The pounding grows weaker and stops as the water on the far side of the door rises.

JEROME We’re not… killing them, are we?

MAGNUS It’s just a little water. They’re bandits! Brigands! They can swim!

BANDIT 1 (from inside) Help! I can’t swim!

MAGNUS Or I guess that’s pirates. Pirates can probably swim.

Alba throws open the front door.

ALBA (gasps) What is going on in here!?

JEROME AND MAGNUS Alba!

ALBA What’s burning?

HOLLY The appointment book! Why it is on fire?!

ALBA Does it matter why? Put it out!

MAGNUS It’s okay, boss! Everything is under control!

Holly puts out the fire.

HOLLY Agh! There we go.

ALBA Get out of my way, Jerome.

MAGNUS No no, he’s holding the door closed!

ALBA Why? What’s going on in the back?

HOLLY And why is the door bulging like that?

A dangerous creaking. A hinge flies off with a bang.

JEROME The hinges are giving out! Save yourselves!

He leaps up and runs for safety outside. The door to the operating room bursts open, sending cubic tons of water flooding outwards.

EXT. GARDEN—CONTINUOUS

Alba, Magnus, Holly and Jerome all scream as they are carried out into the garden. All of them cough and sputter.

MAGNUS Did we get ’em? Ahoy! Bandits! Show yourselves!

He runs back in the front door, footsteps sloshing.

HOLLY Oh, my wings! Alba? Alba, where are you?

JEROME She’s up in the tree. Alba! Are you okay?

HOLLY Just hang on! I’ll come and get you!

ALBA (shouts down) I’ll be right down. After I finish counting to a hundred.

Magnus emerges from the building again.

MAGNUS Where the heck did they go? Jerome, did you see any of them?

JEROME Uh… no, there’s nobody here.

HOLLY See who? Magnus, were there patients inside?!

MAGNUS No, they weren’t patients. They were brigands!

JEROME I guess they got out?

MAGNUS But how? The window in the lab is tiny!

ALBA Oh, Magnus… can I have a word with you?

MAGNUS Oh man. Alba. You wouldn’t believe what happened, but lucky for you, Magnus was here to save the day—

ALBA Potes volare!

Sound of magic lifting Magnus into the air.

MAGNUS Whoa! Hey! Put me down! Listen, it was Guy van Fleet!

ALBA Guy van Fleet, the highwayman.

MAGNUS No, Guy van Fleet the undertaker! Yes, of course it was—

ALBA Guy van Fleet came here.

MAGNUS Yes! He attacked the House of Healing! It’s true!

ALBA Magnus, I am done with your lies, your disobedience, your attitude, your disregard for safety and constantly having to—

HOLLY Alba… there is a sword here. No… two swords.

MAGNUS See, I told you! Guy was here with fifty men! Jerome, back me up here.

JEROME Well, I don’t think it was fifty…

MAGNUS Exactly, it was more like a hundred! It was a siege.

ALBA Enough.

A whistle of magic as Magnus is carried away, his yelling diminishing into the distance.

MAGNUS Listen, I’m the victim here! Albaaa!

HOLLY Alba, what if Magnus is telling the truth?

ALBA Well, then, he can have a nice, refreshing dip in the leech pond.

In the distance, Magnus yelps as he tumbles into the water.

> MUSIC STING

INT. LABORATORY

Water drips in the background.

ALBA Look at this mess. We were gone for less than an hour!

JEROME Oh boy. I’m sorry, Alba. Can I help sweep up?

ALBA I expect something like this from Magnus. But you, Jerome?

JEROME I just stopped by to get a refill of that potion you gave me for my insomnia—

ALBA Save it. I’m done. Finis. Factum. No more nice witch. Clear the lab bench, Holly.

HOLLY Okay. Do you want me to put all these bottles in the back room, or—

ALBA Never mind.

She sweeps all the items off the table.

HOLLY Alba! Are you okay?

Alba begins gathering ingredients.

ALBA Oh yes. I’m beyond okay, Holly. I’m done being trifled with, dismissed and ignored. Lock your doors and hide your children! The witch is back.

HOLLY Alba?

ALBA Holly, go fetch Magnus out of the pond. We’re off to visit Minister Pearcey.

> MUSIC STING

INT. MINISTRY OFFICE

A clock ticks.

PEARCEY Shall we begin?

ALBA Yes, let’s. I brought a little something along to aid our investigation.

She places a bottle on the table.

PEARCEY And this is?

ALBA A truth potion.

MAGNUS Why do you not trust me? I mean, sure, maybe I… stretched the truth on previous occasions. But this is serious! This all really happened!

ALBA Well then, you won’t mind giving your evidence under the influence of a truth serum.

MAGNUS If that’s what it is.

ALBA Minister?

PEARCEY I’ll permit it.

ALBA Go ahead, Magnus.

MAGNUS Yeah? How do I know it’s not, like, fireweed extract?

PEARCEY Magnus, please do as you’re asked.

MAGNUS This stuff could be hemlock, for all you know.

JEROME Alba wouldn’t do that!

MAGNUS Pfft. Well, you drink it, then!

JEROME Okay!

ALBA Jerome, no, don’t—!

Too late. He uncorks the bottle and downs it.

JEROME Mmm! That’s nice.

ALBA Jerome, I swear to all the gods…

JEROME It tastes like that Frinozipax stuff you were prescribing last year.

PEARCEY What’s Frinozipax?

JEROME Why, it’s an all-natural herbal potion made from—

ALBA (sharply) Let’s begin our questioning.

JEROME (feeling the effects and totally enamoured with Alba) Yes! I’m ready to be interrogated, Alba.

PEARCEY It’s not an interrogation. It’s an interview.

MAGNUS Pfff. Yeah, you leave the room and see how fast this turns into an interrogation.

PEARCEY Come to think of it, I could use a coffee. Alba?

ALBA Yes please. Interviewing does work up quite a thirst.

Pearcey heads for the door.

PEARCEY Two sugars?

MAGNUS No! You can’t leave me alone with her. Look, we’re talking! We have nothing to hide!

She sits back down.

PEARCEY Good. Then why don’t we begin at the beginning. You say several bandits broke into the House of Healing?

MAGNUS Yes, I say that, because they did.

ALBA Why did they have to break in? We were supposed to be open for business.

MAGNUS Well… okay, maybe they didn’t break in. But they took me by surprise!

ALBA Were you perhaps asleep at reception?

MAGNUS I object! That’s not germane to this investigation!

ALBA (clears her throat)

MAGNUS Okay! Okay! Yes, I was at the desk. And I may have closed my eyes, just for a second. The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by all these bandits…

CROSSFADE TO:

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

Footsteps. Several swords are drawn.

GUY Don’t make me tell you again.

BANDIT 3 Yeah, don’t make the boss tell you again. Drop the letter opener.

Magnus drops it.

MAGNUS Heh. Okay. Look, let’s just talk this over like good, decent fellow outlaws. You know I’m totally your guy, Guy!

GUY Bind him and secure the rest of the building.

Guy heads down the back hallway as the bandits tie Magnus up..

BANDIT 4 Hold still, kid.

MAGNUS Owwww! Really?

BANDIT 4 Settle down or it’s gonna hurt a lot more.

MAGNUS (shouts after Guy) A surgeon is always a good thing to have around, right Guy? What if you get hurt in a daring duel with the King’s guard? Or you have to make a spectacular leap from a tower and break a leg?

GUY Indeed. Now, tell me… things seem to have been rearranged since I was last here. Where do you keep the most dangerous poisons?

MAGNUS Poisons? Well, I don’t know if you noticed the sign, but this is a House of Healing, and we don’t—grrk!

He gasps as Guy draws his sword and presses the blade to his throat.

GUY Such lovely and smooth skin you surgeons have. It cries out to be split open. I am not going to ask you again.

MAGNUS Okay! Okay! Look, everything’s in the new secure storage. The big metal door off the back hallway.

GUY That wasn’t so hard, was it?

MAGNUS Yeah, but I don’t know the password. And without that, it’s pretty much impenetrable.

GUY Ha!

MAGNUS Hey, I should know. I’ve tried everything.

GUY They have yet to make a safe that can keep out Guy van Fleet, the purple thief of Kings, the hinderer of royalty, the people’s most feared champion.

MAGNUS You can crack safes too?

GUY Watch and learn, young Magnus.

MAGNUS So awesome.

INT. MINISTRY OFFICE

PEARCEY Awesome?

MAGNUS Yeah. I was buttering him up. Distracting him. He was so busy going on about how great he was that he forgot all about the letter opener. All part of my ingenious plan…

ALBA Enough. Jerome?

JEROME (enraptured) Yes, Alba?

ALBA How did you get wrapped up in all this?

MAGNUS You mean, how did he help me save the day!

ALBA Speak again, Magnus. Go ahead. Just one more word. Jerome?

JEROME Your eyes are so beautiful when you’re angry.

ALBA (groans) Yes, thank you, Jerome. Why were you at at the House of Healing?

JEROME To refill my prescription.

ALBA The one I gave you yesterday?

JEROME Well… Yeah. I kinda drank it all in one go so I’d have an excuse to see you again. Because, you know, you’re just so smart and amazing and perfect and… did I say amazing?

ALBA We definitely gave the potion to the wrong idiot.

PEARCEY Jerome. Jerome. (taps sharply on the desk) Over here. Yes. Can you tell us what you saw when you came into the House of Healing?

JEROME Oh yeah. Magnus was there. But Alba wasn’t! I didn’t see her anywhere. She’s great, isn’t she?

PEARCEY Focus, Jerome. What did you see?

JEROME Well, let’s see. I walked in and there he was, tied to his chair…

CROSSFADE TO:

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

The front door opens.

JEROME Hello! Alba?

MAGNUS Shhh!

JEROME Huh? Who’s there?

MAGNUS Jerome, be quiet! Get over here and help me.

JEROME Magnus? Why are you tied up?

MAGNUS Because I wanted to try out a new magic trick.

JEROME Oh. Are you practicing escapes now? How’s it work?

MAGNUS It doesn’t. Never mind! We’re being robbed!

JEROME Oh no! We are?

MAGNUS Come on, get me out of these ropes. There’s a letter opener on the desk.

JEROME Okay. Who’s robbing us?

Jerome sets to work sawing at the ropes.

MAGNUS Guy van Fleet! And his bandits!

JEROME (gasps) They don’t have Alba, do they? We have to save her!

He stands up.

MAGNUS No, no, stop! She’s not here. There’s like five brigands in there. Now hurry up and cut me loose!

JEROME Gotcha.

He saws at the ropes, which give way.

MAGNUS That’s better. All right, let’s go!

JEROME Okay!

Jerome makes for the door.

MAGNUS No, no—Jerome, where are you going?

JEROME To the gatehouse to alert the palace guards?

MAGNUS No, if we go and get the guards, Guy and his guys are gonna get away! Come on, no one is going to rob the House of Healing on my watch! That’s MY job!

JEROME So what do we do?

MAGNUS I’ve been thinking this through. First priority, we need to jam the back door shut—and that job falls to you, my faithful sidekick.

JEROME Who, me?

MAGNUS Now, they’re probably gonna have someone watching the back door, so… toss me that umbrella by the coatrack.

JEROME Okay…?

Jerome tosses the umbrella.

MAGNUS In the meantime, I will provide a distraction. Go!

He throws open the door to the back hallway and brandishes the umbrella.

MAGNUS Ha ha!

BANDIT 1 Whoa! The kid got loose.

The bandits draw their weapons.

GUY Oho! Perhaps I underestimated you, little man.

MAGNUS Oho! Perhaps you did!

A bandit runs in from the back.

BANDIT 2 What’s happening?

GUY Nothing to worry about. You should be watching the back door!

BANDIT 2 Right. Sorry, boss.

MAGNUS Hah! Take this! and that!

GUY With an umbrella?

MAGNUS Spinning death blow!

The umbrella opens with a pop.

BANDIT 3 Get him!

The bandits draw their swords.

GUY Impressive. No, my friends, stand back.

BANDIT 1 You don’t want us to thump him, boss?

GUY No. I have him. I am going to enjoy this. Toss me your sword.

MAGNUS Oh. You need two swords, do you?

GUY It is not for me. I prefer not to strike down unarmed children. Catch!

He tosses the sword to Magnus.

MAGNUS Your last mistake! Vortex Blade!

A whirlwind of blades. Guy defends with little effort.

GUY I see you have not improved at all since our last encounter.

MAGNUS Tiger Claw! HA!

GUY There is no need for you to call your strikes, boy. Especially when your strikes are as pitiful as that!

BANDIT 2 Yeah!

MAGNUS Hey! That was an awesome Tiger Claw!

GUY Aha!

His blade zings out.

MAGNUS (gasps) Ah! A lucky strike! But you only just nicked me.

GUY Death by a thousand cuts. A horrible way to go.

MAGNUS Not today!

BANDIT 2 Boss, I think someone jammed the back door.

GUY What? You imbecile!

Jerome looks in from reception.

JEROME Magnus! I jammed the back door. Now what?

MAGNUS Fall back to the waiting room!

GUY Oh no you don’t!

MAGNUS Hell yeah we do!

Magnus slams the door. The bandits beat on it from the other side.

MAGNUS Enjoy your stay! (winces in pain)

JEROME That looks bad, Magnus!

MAGNUS It feels worse! Oh gods.

BANDIT 1 Hey! Open this door!

They pound at the door.

MAGNUS Quick! Grab that chair and push it under the door handle.

JEROME That door’s not gonna hold them, Magnus! We gotta get out of here!

MAGNUS No, no, sit, Jerome. Sit in the chair. Good boy. Now, where does Alba keep the matches?

JEROME Uh… are you sure about this?

Magnus rummages, tossing things out from drawers, as the pounding on the door grows.

MAGNUS Aha! Now to start a fun little fire…

He strikes a match.

JEROME Hey! Isn’t that the appointment book? Alba’s not gonna be happy.

A growing crackle of flame.

MAGNUS Man, my arm hurts! Dammit, all the bandages are in the other room, too.

JEROME So… now do we run?

MAGNUS Nope. This is the good bit—see there’s a new fire suppression system in here.

JEROME A what?

MAGNUS There’s half a dozen water sprites living in the attic. If they smell smoke from down here…

The sprites burst out singing a shrill alarm as waterfall sounds emerge from the back room.

MAGNUS They do that. Supposed to keep the patients and all of our flammable supplies safe or something.

A raging fire now. The sound of several bandits yelling and pounding on the other side of an interior door.

BANDITS Boss! What do we do? Help!

MAGNUS It’s working. Ha ha, listen to them!

JEROME I dunno, Magnus…

MAGNUS No, no! Jerome, do not get up! We have to keep the door shut!

The pounding grows weaker and stops as the water on the far side of the door rises.

JEROME We’re not… killing them, are we?

MAGNUS It’s just a little water. They’re bandits! Brigands! They can swim!

BANDIT 1 (from inside) Help! I can’t swim!

MAGNUS Or I guess that’s pirates. Pirates can probably swim.

INT. MINISTRY OFFICE

PEARCEY So tell us, if there was a band of highwaymen trapped in the back room… where did they go?

JEROME I dunno! They were there, and then they were gone.

ALBA Magnus?

MAGNUS Well… I mean, yeah! Exactly! We locked the doors. All the windows were still shut. And the water was all the way to the ceiling!

PEARCEY Hmm. Perhaps we should take another look at the scene of the incident.

ALBA I suppose we should.

PEARCEY Jerome, you are free to go.

JEROME Thanks!

MAGNUS And me? Am I free to go?

Alba, Pearcey and Jerome file out of the room.

JEROME Can I come along with you, Alba?

ALBA No. Go home.

JEROME Awww.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING—CABINET

A tiny, enclosed metal space.

BANDIT 3 Ow! Move your elbow!

BANDIT 2 Move your face!

The bandits struggle and grumble at one another.

GUY All of you shush!

They all fall silent.

GUY Okay. I think the coast is clear. On the count of three, everyone push. One. Two. Three.

Groans and shouts as they force the filing cabinet drawer open.

GUY Okay. One a time. Stop pushing!

The bandits struggle to pull themselves from the filing cabinet.

BANDIT 1 That was a brilliant plan, boss! Hiding with all the files!

BANDIT 2 Yeah! Heh heh. I think I got a paper cut.

GUY I am not so happy right now.

BANDITS Sorry, boss.

GUY This is not over. The little surgeon will pay dearly for this.

> CLOSING THEME

ELI In “Burning Questions”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Three, you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey, with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice, Robert Frances as Jerome, Abbas Hussein as Guy van Fleet, Marisa King as Queen Parabel, George Bertwell as King Gunther, Michael Howie as Travin, and special guest Braden Lamb as Leon. Leon Stamatis is one of the wonderful characters on Greater Boston, created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason. Check it out at greaterbostonshow.com. Written by Sean Howard. Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen. Associate producers: Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse and Paul Tedesco. Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger. Executive Producer: Dave Addison. If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Donors get weekly bonus content and lots more. Look for the Patreon link at albasalix.com.

TAG: MINISTRY OFFICE

MAGNUS So… Is someone going to look at my arm? Alba? Didn’t you take an oath or something?!

OUTRO: OUR SPONSOR