BASTROP, TX—Bursting into the amphibian’s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand, a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money. “Look, you know the deal—either you cough up the dough, or tomorrow morning, you could end up floating face down in this nice little creek over there, okay?” said one of muscular, suited tough guys from Washington D.C., as he threw the toad against a tree, stomped on its burrow, and then held a knife up to its neck while screaming profanities. “You think we’re just two stupid EPA lackeys, and that we’re going to let you live off the fat of the earth for free? No, we’ve been running this federal land for generations, and whether you’re a toad, a fuckin’ fish, or that cute little symbiotic tree frog friend of yours, we always take a cut. And who knows? I know you’ve got a bunch of eggs around here somewhere, don’t think we won’t come for them too. You’ve got three days.” At press time, the toad had awoken next to the head of its mate lying under its pile of leaves.

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