Psychedelics: intense introspection

(Adam and eve with a psilocybic mushroom 13th century)

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,“ Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.

“You must be,” said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

We are all searching for something, the biggest problem that those like me face is what is ‘something.’ My original plan was to do a piece on how Marijuana really is, in a certain sense, a gateway “drug.” But that’s a different story for a different time.

Lately I’ve been feeling a strong urge to find my 'something;’ to find anything really, anything that interests me, makes me look forward to that activity or hobby. Make me enjoy waking from my slumber. Whether this is rooted in some form of depression or just a byproduct of an overactive mind incarcerated in the hard wired behaviors of its introverted master. How? do you ask is a mind stuck within itself? especially when that imprisoned mind wants out? That will come later.

Roughly two weeks ago I embarked on my first true “magic mushroom” trip. This is something I had wanted to do for a while, but never really had the connection. I was fascinated by the idea of seeing hallucinations, but even more so with the idea of perceiving reality through a different lens. That is something to note, as I’ve heard and reiterated throughout my adult life perception is everything. The keyboard you are touching, these words you are reading DO NOT exist. They are mere perceptions of electrical and chemical impulses that have been translated by your subconcious. So the idea of changing the “processor” to re-imagine the world around us really is quite fascinating.

The day before my first real-trip i ate about a gram and a half of the mushrooms… I felt great! fantastic! I felt happy about my life and everyone around me the world was a beautiful place. This is a common feeling when taking low doses of psilocybin. So the next day I acquired about an ounce (for long term use down the line of course.) In my pre-trip research i learned that the body builds a 100% tolerance to the mushrooms for 3-5 days after ingestion (basically double the dose for the same effect.) I wanted to really “feel it” this time so i ended up taking about 3.5 -5 grams or an 1/8 plus about a gram, gram and a half. After ingestion i decided to kill the time i would play some Battlefield 4 and spend time with my favorite lady, Mary Jane. Sadly i did not keep track of time but about an hour, hour and a half in, I grew extremely bored of playing. I could no longer convince myself that it was imperitive to capture points or kill the enemy, i was bored. I then decided, without really thinking about it to lay on my bed and look at the inside of my eyelids.(Remember when, as a child, you would press on your eyelids and you could see bright greens, pinks etc all in patterns… if not it still kind of works as an adult give it a go.) In doing this i saw flourescent greens pinks and blues nothing spectacular or awe-inspiring but definitely note-able and beautiful to see. At some point (not that i wasn’t in control but its hard to describe the haze) I remember sitting in a chair in my room just in silence. It was then that I had the most religious experience I’ve had so far (hopefully) in my life. NOTE: I do not consider myself a religious or even spiritual person.

Note: I must also make clear that what I am about to say may not be fully comprehensible, as i was experiencing this i knew words would fail the emotions I felt, and the experience as a whole. As i sat there in my silence, in the warmth, in the dark, I began to have a conversation unlike any other I have experienced. I was conversing in my own mind with what I perceived to be my most inner self. With what I could only percieve as my conciousness, or what is most commonly referred to as my soul. This was a conversation without words, just the relaying of information. A conversation with only one member, being that I am my soul and my soul is me. I felt a great warmth, love and kindness settle over the room, I conveyed (with my wordless communication) my uneasiness and uncertainty about life and the world around me. I felt a sadness fall over me that was quickly replaced by an eternal optimism. My perception (again without language) was that this part of me I was experiencing was unafflicted by the “atomic” world, a world I so feverishly fretted over. It gave me a sense that it is here with the rest of me but death or starvation was not a concern to it, and that in the end I would be ok because I would be him, and he is not restricted by the novel concept of an end or of a death. In this profound moment I felt truly at peace, as if I was sitting with a long lost friend and we were relishing in eachother’s company. I sat there and felt my tongue poke and probe around some of my “invisalign” bracketing. Upon this happening that inner-self, without words, relayed upon me what I can only translate as “ …Sigh how primal (the part of my brain that was probing around), that is not a part of us but it is a part of you.” I felt a huge disconnect, spiritually from my parasympathetic nervous system. It felt more to me like the beast within. I perceived it as a primal necessity, a part of my mind passed down through dna for thousands of years, the movie theater that made my movie possible. It just felt simple, animalistic.

I began to take notes, I wanted to remember how I felt, what I was thinking, it was all so profound! In doing this I spurred my sobriety. With each press of my thumbs I felt a part of me awaken. I felt almost an “onioning” up of my mind. I began to feel self-concious of what I was writing. My language returned I began to criticize my own notes (whilst writing them,) “ What is this stupid rambling” “ you just sound like a doped up hippie” “ why are you wasting your time.” I stopped, and for a brief moment language ceased and I was again with my inner most self. I felt a sense of “I’m leaving I have to go now,” “I want to stay, but I accept that I can’t, its okay that I have to go.” “I’m sorry I’m leaving but I hope we meet again"

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

“I don’t much care where –”

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

It’s now that language returned, my personalities began layering up again. I felt my emotions come back, love, contempt, annoyance all coming on one by one, "who was that?” “who the fuck are you asking these questions?” “who the fuck is this voice questioning me for questioning myself?” Like I said hard to explain but it was if all the fractured pieces of what make my perception of myself where layering on top of eachother. Eventually my ego returned (not in a negative sense but in that i perceived myself as me again, a “one.”) And there I was sitting there exhausted as if I had just spent the day on a long journey or hike.. a runners high.

“I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I felt so spiritual so comforted in the idea that “I” was much older and so much more than the sum of my neurons. This has led to the current blanket of sadness that has fallen on me.

I finally found my spirituality! I found something that was all my own, that interested me, that felt the same. I waited another 8 days before trying it again, I missed, I longed to visit with my old friend again. This time i ate about four grams and eventually close to 5. Same ritual play some games smoke some pot and wait. I was giddy, excited, welcoming….. then nothing. Nothing at all. I recall a slight euphoria playing battlefield online with a friend but nothing that couldnt be attributed to marijuana. I sat there for hours trying different tactics; sitting in the dark, listening to music, watching tv, still nothing. Five hours eventually passed, nothing not even a runners high just a groggy feeling and an overwhelming feeling of being forsaken. Note: these mushrooms came from the same bag, looked and tasted the same as the week before.

I’ve attempted to do research on why one wouldn’t “trip” on mushrooms but to no avail.

Hopefully all that lent itself to some form of comprehension. That being said here I sit pondering “ perhaps it really all was just in your head, you where longing for 'something’ to reaffirm your interest in the world around you so you created 'something.” Although this is the most logical translation of events, I truly hope it is not the correct conclusion. I much prefer the idea that I was forsaken from “the realm,” that although I can not return my beloved friend still exists inside buried under emotions and an ego stronger than himself.

Sigh back to the grind, back to the longing, to the searching. "Oh Mary Jane you sexy, loyal bitch get that fine ass over here! papa needs some consoling!“

“You used to be much more…"muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

All of these quotes I’ve used originate from Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. All be it an obvious choice, I have yet to find another piece of literature that truly captures the sense of insanity and wonderment found within my mind that day. It is truly IMPOSSIBLE to comprehend what it is like to go on one of these trips unless you experience it yourself. But if you do embark on one you won’t need to say a word to someone else that has traveled this journey, a simple nod will convey it all.

-Jeffery Chen

P.s. The perfect depiction for my second trip