My first major appearance was as the second guest on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” in May 2010. While I was relieved that I didn’t have to face the king of my childhood kitchen just yet, I was still a nauseous wreck. In preparation for this essay, I forced myself to find a tape of the episode, and watching it was like watching my own funeral. Actually, watching my own funeral would have been nicer, because I intend it to be a spirited celebration of my life — not a series of dry stories told in a poorly chosen dress that revealed more pale thigh than America should ever have to see.

Jay asks me to tell him about myself. I report that I grew up in St. Louis, that I am the only one of my siblings with red hair, and that, speaking of siblings, I have three of them. Pausing, I smile slightly and add, “Or, I used to have three siblings.” This hangs in the air for a moment, no one exactly sure what I meant. I do not elaborate; it clearly sounds like something terrible has happened to my family.

In fact, my two brothers and one sister are alive and thriving. What I meant was that we all “used” to live in St. Louis, and, therefore, I “used” to have three siblings there. But I do not say any of this. Instead, I leave the audience only to guess at the horrors this pale, redheaded woman has seen. And why didn’t she choose a longer dress?

The saving grace of the interview is Garry Shandling. He was the lead guest, and throughout my segment, he chimes in and tries to help. At the time, I worried that he was making fun of me. But it’s now clear to me that he’s just trying to make the segment entertaining. At one point, seemingly 73 hours into my story of giving Jon Hamm a hug at an awards show and getting makeup on his tuxedo, Garry compares that smeared tux to the Shroud of Turin. Neither Jay nor I react. “That was an excellent reference,” Garry mutters to himself.