It is done. Ryanair, the "no frills" bucket shop airline, has finally confirmed that passengers will now be charged to use the loo. Thus a new low in international travel is, quite literally, plumbed.

This idea was mooted last year, then retracted after a national outcry, but I suppose the executives couldn't bear to let it go. Free money! It sat there like a drunk man's wallet on a crowded beach, too irresistible to go unplucked.

You can see their thinking. Once you've charged people an extra tax for buying their ticket on a credit card, they'll try to maximise the value with a longer holiday. That spells more luggage. Once you charge them for every piece they check in, that guarantees their attempt to drag more hand luggage on to the plane. Once you charge them an additional price for checking in online, that means more of them will stand in an endless queue at the airport. Once you've got people queuing for hours, clutching heavier pieces of hand luggage, exhausted and hot by the time they board, those people are going to need a drink.

Once you charge them a fat fee for having a drink (for example, £2.10 for a cardboard beaker of water with a teabag in it), those people are going to feel obliged to drain every drop. And once they have drained every drop, all you need is a coin slot on the locked loo door and it's HELLO MONEY. It may be goodbye respect, kindness, hospitality, tact and class, but who cares about that when a chunky pound coin is dropping into the slot with every desperate bladder?

There is a risk that sympathetic cabin crew will unlock the door for free. But don't worry! Once you have charged the cabin crew for their own training, charged them again for their uniforms, then underpaid them for the job itself, they'll be so miserable and demoralised that any milk of human kindness will have drained right through the floor. (Milk drainage: £5).

I mean, this is brilliant. I take my hat off to Ryanair. (What will that cost me? I can only assume there is a hat tax.)

While they are rejigging costs, I have a few more ideas to be considered. Why not drizzle warm, bottled saliva on to every passenger from above and charge them for umbrellas? You could dispense with heating on board – let the craft chill right down to "fatal" – and charge people for blankets. Or smack passengers in the face with a mallet as they sit down, squirt mustard gas in their eyes, spike the drinks with arsenic, pepper the arm rest with razor blades and charge £100 for access to the first aid box.

God, I hate Ryanair. I didn't think I could despise them more than I already did, with their tacky, greedy, soulless product that makes people feel like mistreated cattle in a cut-price abattoir, but then I read last week's statement from their representative, Stephen McNamara: "By charging for the toilets we are hoping to change people's behaviour so that they use the bathroom before or after the flight."

Just read that back and tell me you don't find it chilling. If not, read it again, this time imagining that Stephen McNamara has control over everything in the world, not just aeroplane policy. "Change people's behaviour"? Why not rename the company ClockwAirk Orange?

I think it's time for the government to take control of the air industry. Introduce a minimum charge of £300 for any flight, then renationalise British Airways. That would kill off the cut-price hell-firms and boost BA, which might then be able to pay its staff enough to end the strike problem while making some money to be fed back into our £1 trillion budget deficit.

True, it might punish those who can't afford £300 for their holiday flight and are prepared to suffer the Rya-nightm-air accordingly, but (leaving aside the fact that the hidden costs might screw them anyway) sometimes people need to be saved from themselves. Plenty of folk were prepared to work for less than the minimum wage, but we agreed it was uncivilised to let them. Same here.

In the meantime, if you're flying Ryanair this summer, why not get up halfway through the journey, pull your trousers down and wee in the aisle? Right there on the floor. These airlines target passengers who want or need to save money; surely, they could only encourage this whole new way to economise.

Easy, Tiger

I'm worried about Tiger Woods, back on the golfing trail in Augusta. It can't be healthy to leave sex rehab and go immediately to a place where all the talk is of strokes and holes. We are dealing with an ill man here.

I am not saying Tiger is ill. He is saying it. Having this "disease" is the grounds on which he expects his wife to sympathise, forgive and return. If he's that unwell, heaven knows what he'll do when asked if he'd like his balls washed before shooting up the back nine.

To you and me, these words are harmless. But you must imagine what could happen, in the addled mind of an ailing sex patient, if a helpful caddy offers to help with any loose impediments, provide a regular shaft or polish his flange.

Please don't snigger. Sex addiction is a genuine and challenging disease, it's not just a risible modern excuse for a randy billionaire who can't keep his pants on. Diagnosed with the illness, Woods did the only sensible thing: locked himself away, immediately, in a remote house full of nymphomaniacs.

Even returning to practice sessions could be dangerous for the poorly fellow. Heaven forbid a caddy should offer to point out the sweet spot while Tiger is waggling. The key question from now on will be: is it the caddy's job to retrieve balls from the practice area or will Tiger do his own shagging?

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