Baby, I Have an STD: Telling Him (or Her) the Right Way

Guest Post

"Hello, my name is Joe, and I have herpes." Not exactly a great opening line to a date, is it? Unfortunately, this conversation can be so uncomfortable, that people with sexually transmitted diseases often forego telling their partner at all. If you wouldn’t hesitate to tell your date that you have the flu, you should be just as open about having an STD. It’s not as if you asked for it, after all. Here are some tips to help you handle the awkward conversation:

1.Decide What You’ll Say

Telling someone that you have a sexually transmitted disease isn’t something that you blurt out over after-dinner drinks. While you don’t have to write a pages-long script, you do need to decide what you’ll say before you say it. Having your side of the conversation in your head will make it easier when it comes time to have it. You may want to explain how you got your STD, how old you were, or other facts pertaining to the contraction of your infection.

2.Get the Timing Right

You don’t have to tell him that you have a sexually transmitted disease on the first date, but there is such a thing as waiting too long. So, what’s too long? Clearly, waiting until you’ve had sex is too long. But how many dates do you need to go on before you spring the news? As soon as you think that the relationship will soon be turning intimate, it’s time to have the talk.

3.You Could Lose the Relationship…

You’ve got to resign yourself that you may lose the relationship once your secret is revealed. You have absolutely no control how the other person will react to your news. If he or she chooses to walk away, let it happen. Know that you did the right thing, and don’t let his or her rejection make you feel bad about yourself.

4….But You May Not

Don’t assume that your partner will react in a panic to your news. In mature relationships, people respect honesty. If you worry that your partner will react unfavorably, you may never get the nerve to have the conversation in the first place. Instead of assuming that he or she will run screaming for the hills, assume that he or she will have questions, continue the conversation and be supportive. There are millions of people in the U.S. with STDs; you may just find that your partner has a secret to tell you, too.

5.Get Your Facts Straight

Arm yourself with knowledge before you have the conversation. When people shy away from the revelation that their partner has an STD, it’s often out of fear of the unknown. No one should know more about your infection than you do. If you are calm, collected and armed with facts, the conversation is more apt to go in the direction that you wish. You should also be able to tell your potential partner how you plan to protect him or her if you do decide to have sex.

Did you know that you can be taken to court for not revealing your infection and then passing it along to your partner? In the case of HIV, failure to disclose your knowledge and pass the virus to another could actually be a felony. Telling someone about your disease is the morally responsible thing to do; no matter what reaction you receive.

Sue L. McBride is a county health nurse who gives talks to the local schools about sexual transmitted diseases. Lab testing for sexual infection in Chicago is convenient and confidential.