I would be the first to tell you that I do not know enough about the prospects that were drafted in the 2017 NHL Entry Draft last Friday and Saturday to judge the picks in detail.

So let’s judge players by the first thing that everyone sees, their name. After all, players with more interesting names go farther in their career. Fact.

Starting with the Atlantic Division, because that’s the only one that truly matters.

Boston Bruins

Urho Vaakanainen

Now, this might not need a ton of explaining with a first name like Urho. But his mouthful-of-a-name pops out at you like a beautiful Finnish butterfly, or a lovely bull since Urho directly translates into “bull” or “hero”. I hope Boston loves their heroic bull.

Buffalo Sabres

Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen

Ok, I promise I’m not just going to make fun of each team’s Finnish prospect that they drafted this year. But with this name, you just have to admire all of those paired Ks. If the other team’s fans ever taunt this goalie’s name in an away game, it is going to sound like a fireworks show.

Detroit Red Wings

Lane Zablocki

His name is Lane and he is from the WHL. Not only is his first name a great sign that he is from Western Canada, he has an amazing announcer-friendly last name as well. Just imagine any arena announcer yelling at the top of his lungs, Zah-BLOCK-ey!

Florida Panthers

Aleksi Heponiemi

Horse-point, that is Heponiemi roughly translated. I don’t know if that has anything to do with his game, but he did play for the Swift Current Broncos last season. If that doesn’t mean anything, then I don’t know what does. Just look at that mane.

Montreal Canadiens

Ryan Poehling

It’s “Pole-ing”, right? Well I thought so until every broadcaster started saying his name properly – that is their job I guess. Maybe I am horrible at pronouncing Minnesotan names, but “pail-ing” was not my first guess. At least he’s not an over-hyped Quebecois.

Ottawa Senators

Drake Batherson

With only four picks this draft, Ottawa selected Drake Batherson and no one else with an as interesting name. The names drafted are a massive connection to the terribly boring hockey that the Senators played this season. Ottawa are just trying to appear like the cool hockey team and actually stay relevant – drafting someone named Drake.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Nick Perbix

This year, Tampa Bay went with a Pokemon-themed draft. No, seriously. Volkov, Guttman, and Perbix are straight out of Ash Ketchum’s Pokedex. I guess they’re all Lightning-types.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Fedor Gordeev

Oh, so exotic. The Leafs really went into the deep farm systems of the KHL for this one right? …Wait, he’s Canadian? Born in Omsk, Russia and then moving over here at a young age, Fedor played all of his hockey in the Toronto area, like all the greatest players do. If you need anymore proof that he’s Canadian, his name has “Gord” in it.

If any of these players become household names it will be because of their name, and maybe some hockey.