java.security

AccessControlException You have lost control of Microsoft Access. If you cannot regain control or stop the program in some other way, you should cut the power to your computer as fast as possible.

DigestException You should be careful with what you eat. Indigestion can be a serious problem.

GeneralSecurityException Something somewhere appears to be unsafe. If you have the power to do so, you should invade a random country (preferably in the middle east). If you do not have such power, you should at least get a gun.

InvalidAlgorithmParameterException You have explained your algorithm to a disabled person in a way that is not suited to that person's level of understanding. Keep it simple!

InvalidKeyException There are two rather different reasons for this exception: 1. You are using the wrong key. My advice is to paint small dots in different colors on your keys to help you remember which one is for which lock. 2. You are not allowed to lock up disabled people without giving them a key. If they are smart enough to figure out how to use it, they have a right to move freely.

InvalidParameterException You have used a disparaging term to describe a disabled person.

KeyException Do not try to unlock locks without a key.

KeyManagementException You have lost your key. Most likely you left it at the office (if you're trying to enter your home) or at home (if you're trying to enter the office).

KeyStoreException The explanation for the previous KeyManagementException is that there is a hole in your pocket.

NoSuchAlgorithmException You are trying to solve a problem in a previously unknown way. Stop being so damn creative and rewrite your program using old algorithms. You can also patent your idea and wait for it to be incorporated into a future Java release.

NoSuchProviderException If you are a single mom, you cannot be a housewife. First, you need to get a provider for your family.

PrivilegedActionException You have tried to take an action that you do not have the privilege to take. For example, getting away with murder is something that only famous people can do, child molestation is only for catholic priests and high ranking jehova's witnesses, and only people with managerial positions in private corporations are allowed to steal money.

ProviderException You are a woman and are trying to be the provider of a family. Obviously, your husband cannot be a housewife, so you need to let him do the providing. Thinking that Java is old-fashioned will not change reality. This is how things work. Deal with it.

SignatureException Either you have forged someone else's signature, or your signature unacceptable. A signature cannot be too ugly, too readable or too large.