WASHINGTON—Stating that any attempt to slim down without it would be wholly ineffective, representatives from the USDA’s Food and Nutrition Service admitted at a press conference Tuesday that weight loss is just not possible for people who don’t like salmon. “For anyone looking to get down to a healthy body weight, there is simply no viable option aside from making salmon a major part of your diet, so you’d better enjoy it,” said spokesperson Marcia Donner, who explained that it is not enough to simply tolerate eating the fish, as any successful program to trim one’s waistline requires consuming salmon with such regularity that the dieter has to really love the experience of eating it. “Unfortunately, if you don’t like salmon, no amount of exercise is going to counteract this fact and allow you to lose weight. And don’t think you can make any substitutes like tuna or grilled chicken breast; that’s not going to work either. If you can’t eat salmon for pretty much every meal, you might as well quit now and embrace the size of your body the way it is.” Donner added that dieters who also don’t like almonds should be prepared to gain another 25 pounds.

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