The Ground Floor of Revival!

Now that Hobby Lobby v The Constitution has been decided in favor of one of man’s gods instead of his puny laws, our priests tell us that the precedent set in 1879 in Reynolds v U.S. – that one is entitled to one’s own religious beliefs, but not necessarily its practices – is now null and void. The silly judge and his unanimous court in Reynolds said that



Laws are made for the government of actions, and while they cannot interfere with mere religious belief and opinions, they may with practices. Suppose one believed that human sacrifices were a necessary part of religious worship; would it be seriously contended that the civil government under which he lived could not interfere to prevent a sacrifice?... To permit this would be to make the professed doctrines of religious belief superior to the law of the land, and, in effect, to permit every citizen to become a law unto himself. Government could exist only in name under such circumstances. 98 U.S. 145 (1878)

Our Faith-Based Family

Technically, we refer to our procedure as “extra-consensual tissue donation,” but the ancient jurist’s point is well-taken, as it is now the professed doctrine of civil government that religious beliefs are superior to the laws of the land. Because of this, it must now be “seriously contended that the civil government…could not interfere to prevent a sacrifice,” since such sacrifice can now reasonably be found to be “a necessary part of religious worship.”

Most of our employees joined us when one of our Jaguar Warriors bludgeoned them into submission, then looped a flowery lasso around their necks and led them on a walking tour of the countryside as part of a closely-held group of “intern-oatls.” They were brought – all expenses paid, mind you – to our massive, pyramidal skyscraper in the center of town. Here their tissue donation was received with great fanfare by the gathered public, amid much drumming and blowing of conch shells, and they received their payment in the form of a soul released to a permanent home in the heavens.

Contrary to popular conjecture, our services are not required on a daily basis – Huitzilopotchli draws enough sanguineous succor during the 20 or so festive days of our solar calendar (which predates, and is more accurate than, the Gregorian calendar utilized by virtually all our competitors) that there’s no need to present him with offerings every time the sun appears in the sky. In fact, of the 18 feast days during our closely-held religious calendar, only one is dedicated to Huitzilopotchtli himself – so there’s a very good chance you’ll never be selected for the honor of satiating him. We think of it as “your loss,” but some of our employees have been with us for years and do not seem especially distraught at not having been selected for surgery. To each his own (almost all of the time), we always say.





Is the Procedure for You?

Should we choose you to undergo the procedure, you can look forward to an open-air surgical facility with panoramic views of the city. Our well-trained practitioners use only the sharpest obsidian knives to make the initial incision, and complete the remainder of the surgery in a matter of seconds (this is important, because Huitzilopotchli likes his hearts to still be beating when they are offered up). Having done your part to stave off the disaster of the Sun stopping in the sky or failing to climb into the heavens, your remains will be very expeditiously removed to our outpatient processing facility, conveniently located at the base of the temple. Your soul will achieve nothing less than immortality when it becomes one of the stars in the nighttime sky.





But What About Other Gods?

If you’re a member of another religious faith, don’t worry – Huitzilopotchtli could care less. Your blood runs red, doesn’t it? That’s good enough for him, and it makes you good enough for us.

Furthermore, our procedure carries with it the benefit of being 100% pro-life - it is a point of fact (and pride!) that no female patient who’s lain across our chac-mool has ever had an abortion afterwards. In the larger, spiritual and spatial/planetary senses, the efforts of our patients serve to venerate and strengthen the life-nurturing properties of the Sun – and again, we’ve never heard a post-op regret or complaint. Significantly, no such patient has ever whined that so-and-so was deriving greater benefit from the procedure than the he or she, either.



Beware the False Gods!

We take our responsibilities to provide sustenance for the Sun very seriously, but until recently, we were constrained from doing so by the laws of the United States. That dark era is over now – thanks again, five male Catholics from New York City! – and as noted above, we will soon be performing our services on members of the general public. We worry, however, that other, more nefarious gods may try to take advantage of what they perceive to be a ridiculously stupid High Court decision, perhaps even attempting to use its permissiveness as cover for acting on sick perversions.

We advise that just because one is allowed by law to do something, it doesn’t mean that one should necessarily do that thing. Saying you “worship Bacchus” should not entitle you to obligate your employees to participate in up to five wine-soaked orgies per month; ditto for causing your employees to engage in organized violence because one “venerates Mars,” while one’s rival is a “follower of Odin.” And let’s not even talk about the Cthulu people – best to just stay away from them. Their priests are crazy. Literally.





Become One with the Sun!

The window of opportunity is narrow – there’s a chance that those pyromaniac druids, for example, may attract undo scrutiny of the Old Ways when they start stuffing offerings into wicker effigies and torching them. That means you have to act now if you want to…