— Asked by Anonymous

Hello! It’s not a stupid question; it’s perfectly reasonable. I personally am not really an anxious person, but I do a lot of reading on how to control one’s emotions and thoughts and have been to therapy a few times, and so I know some things which help me when I am in an anxious funk. I recently have gotten into Eastern religions, and there are a lot of lessons in their philosophies that anxious people may find useful. I might sound kind of hippie-ish, so bear with me.

The main realization which helped me is that you are not your thoughts and emotions. You are like a mountain, and your thoughts and emotions are like clouds floating around you. This helped me especially with depression. Really, we should be viewing depression as we view the flu or cancer or other illnesses, ie: “I have depression,” not “I am a depressed person.” Once you realize that your self is separate from these aspects of the mind, you can be more free to liberate yourself. Many religions teach of the “ego” (different from Freud’s ego) which is like a façade we present to the world; our true self is a drop in the ocean of cosmic oneness. The ego, not you, is the one with all the anxieties and fears and goals. An analogy is that the ego is like a character in a video game or movie, and we end up identifying too much with it, which is what brings us suffering.

The practical application of this concept is illustrated in meditation, because it helps you practice the concept of mindfulness (being fully in the present). Meditation helps you dissociate from your thoughts and emotions, which change so swiftly, and realize that you are the mountain, which is what remains. I highly recommend that everyone, especially people prone to depression and anxiety, practice it (here’s a good PDF to start). When I was depressed, I realized that my low lows came from toxic trains of thought (this is probably true for many particularly thoughtful, introverted, introspective people). Once I realized this, I was better able to recognize these trains of thought and stop them before they took me to a bad place. For example, instead of imagining that my friend group was out doing something without me, I decided to stop that thought and focus on something else. Rationalization can work (I am an extremely rational person so I do this all the time), but it’s still just more thoughts, so you have to think, “I have good friends and they wouldn’t do that” and leave it at that.

Meditation is as simple as sitting quietly for ten minutes, focusing on your breathing in detail. The rhythm, the sensation, the sound, everything. Thoughts will come and pester you, but that’s okay—just let them go. Forgive yourself every time you get distracted, and keep going. You are competing against no one. It’s like learning to ride a bike—you will wobble quite a bit when you start, but you just have to straighten out every time. With practice, it will become second nature. I like to meditate before bed because I pass right out in the middle of it, but it’s best to do it when you’re not going to fall asleep. When meditation becomes a habit, the ability to focus and fend off unnecessary thoughts will seep into other areas of your life.

Now, we’ll apply this specifically to body image and social anxiety. Much of body image anxiety, especially, comes from thoughts. You look at yourself in the mirror and notice some flaw, and then you think about it and become upset. There are two critical moments here: the perception of the feature as a flaw, and the thought that arises from this perception. First, you have to train yourself not to view features as flaws. More on this later. Second, pay attention to what you think: say you see some stretch marks, and then think that they’re ugly. You have to immediately correct yourself and think, no they’re not ugly, they’re fine as they are and have no bearing on my self-worth. (Do this with friends too! Help them change their thoughts.) You might not believe it at first, but as with many things, you have to fake it until you make it.

Many of our perceptions of beauty come from the media and the people we surround ourselves with. You can’t actually change the media or the people in question, but you can change your exposure to and interactions with them. There are two lessons to be learned here: one, there are many ways to be beautiful other than the one ideal presented by the media, and two, you do not have to be beautiful to be a valuable human being and it is not necessary to pursue beauty for its own sake.

The best way to deprogram your brain is to lower your consumption of ideas which promote a narrow ideal of beauty, and increase consumption of body positive messages, all while keeping a critical eye on every message you come across. I basically stopped reading fashion magazines, visiting the mall, and watching TV. Now, when I’m out of the house and I see a TV ad, it almost seems comical, as if it’s an artifact from a fictional, dystopian world. Instead, I started reading feminist, body positive blogs, in which I see images of women of different sizes, shapes, ethnicities, etc. and talking to my friends (the guys as well as the girls) about these issues. I am lucky in that my friends are basically all people who think the same way I do and are willing to have intense discourses about these topics. The Internet is a great place to connect with like-minded people too, though.

Living in the real world of authentic human interactions and experiences, rather than the artificial simulacra-tastic world of the mall, popular media, and popular TV helps you keep your head on straight. When you’re on a hike through the forest or sitting at home drinking tea and reading a book, it doesn’t matter what you look like because you’re focused in the experience (practicing mindfulness). When you’re fully engaged in what you’re doing, it’s hard to find room to be anxious about what you look like. This goes for a lot of things: hanging out with close friends, writing a story or painting a picture, exploring the city, etc. Working out, especially, can be helpful because you get to focus on what your body can do, not what it looks like. Looking more fit is just one of many beneficial side effects, like having more energy, and being in a better mood due to endorphins. If you don’t want to go to the gym, look up exercises you can do at home. When you’re mindful, there’s less room for anxiety and trains of thought which are about the past or the future, and not the present.

I don’t think the mall/media/TV are all bad, of course, and I am holding them up as representatives of what I think is damaging in modern culture. The mall is a useful place to go when you need to buy something, but it’s not a good place to just spend time, because you become inculcated with a certain mindset. Popular media can be enjoyable, in moderation, and of course, there are many quality TV shows to be seen. TV, however, can be enjoyed with Netflix, without having to sit through ads. The key is to avoid things which promote a narrow mindset, not just of beauty, but of the kind of life one has to live to be fulfilled.

Beauty by itself is a construct, easily illustrated by the many different standards of beauty demonstrated by human cultures over time. If it’s so artificial, then how can it have any true value? After all, do you only like people who fit the popular standard of beauty? If you don’t, then why should anyone else? You can do good and help people and contribute value to the world by being yourself, and finding inner peace and confidence will make you much more attractive—not in the narrow, “beauty” way—but as a person who exudes warmth and attracts people with their good spirits and radiance. Going back to what I said before, I think finding this sort of inner light is a glimpse at the “true self” which hides behind the ego, a spirit of goodness and compassion. (Incidentally, cultivating this inner peace will also make you feel less lonely, as you are more fulfilled in enriching yourself, and you will naturally attract the right people, and potentially a partner).

I’ll end here, before this post becomes too much of a manifesto (it has already become a full-length five page essay oops). All of what I said is hard work, to be sure. It takes a lot of practice. It’s not easy. It’ll be painful, and you’ll have days when you feel like you’ve regressed. What’s important is not that you’re improving on a day to day basis, but more on a weekly or even biweekly basis. Numerous studies have shown that the brain is plastic (see: neuroplasticity), meaning it can be trained and rewired, especially when we’re young. When you practice something over and over, the pathways in your brain become stronger. This is observable from an empirical, objective standpoint. You CAN rewire your brain how you want it to be. It’s difficult, especially when you have damaging concepts to unlearn, but it can be done. The brain is amazing like that.

I love talking about this sort of stuff, so I’m glad you asked. It’s mostly just what I’ve learned and what I tell myself, and I find that it helps. As a side note, I wrote a post on my personal blog a while back which is also somewhat relevant. In any case, hopefully this super long post and the abundance of links are helpful, and if you want clarification on anything, ask away.