Deep down, everybody knows that having a baby changes everything, right? I’ve got to believe that we all know you can’t fix your broken self or relationship with a pregnancy or adoption.

But it’s like this urban myth that just won’t die. The way we all say we know that nobody can complete you, but still swoon over romantic dramas that suggest a "soulmate" can.

In the same way, people keep hoping that a baby will make everything better.

Ask yourself why you really want a child.

At almost 40, I have met a lot of childless people who say they want kids. I’ve also met plenty of folks who purposefully chose to have kids.

Along the way, I’ve seen many of those people want kids so badly that they’ve convinced themselves into thinking it’s completely selfless when it’s not.

Far too many people who want children are trying to fulfill a personal desire. They might want to see their legacy live on. Or, they might be trying to work out their own childhood trauma.

Plenty of people approach parenthood like they can just live vicariously through their kids. Others approach it as something they’re “supposed to do,” like attending college.

Some even worse reasons people have for wanting babies? Because they think it will save their relationship or bring them closer to their partner. They believe it will somehow “unite” their families.

Becoming a parent isn’t some innately selfless thing.

Not automatically, anyway. Plenty of people make selfish parents. They forget that having a baby isn’t about them, it’s about the kids.

Bringing another person into the world isn’t something to take lightly. It’s not something to do because you’re lonely or think you need to take your relationship to the next level.

Being a good parent is the selfless thing.

What makes a good parent? I think it begins with a person who understands that it’s not all about them and what they want. It’s not even all about their relationship with their partner.

Kids don’t ask to be here. And they’re not here to serve their parents. If you end up having children, it’s your job to equip them with the tools they need to grow up into healthy, whole humans.

Maybe you need a dose of tough love.

People talk a lot about tough love in parenting. But maybe you’re the one who could really use the tough love.

It’s not easy to admit that your reasons for wanting kids might actually be pretty selfish. Easier to fool yourself into thinking that your desire to have children is all on the up and up.

Real talk? Having a baby is hard work. We’re talking about a job that never ends and only pays in things like joy or a better perspective if you let it.

Having a baby will not fix anything that’s “broken” within you.

Some people feel like they’ve got a hole they can never fill. As a woman with borderline personality disorder, I can relate. When you feel empty, you try to fill yourself with something that you hope might last.

It’s not uncommon for people to try to use other people to fill the voids. Spouses, lovers, kids.

But temporary fixes don’t lead to lasting healing. And having a baby might even bring out the worst in you. Many new parents are unprepared for the way old wounds from childhood easily reopen once they have kids.

A baby cannot make your relationship better.

For most people, having a baby makes their relationships harder. More stress, more responsibility. Less time and energy for each other.

Anytime couples gush about how their baby has brought them so much closer together, they’re usually not telling the whole story. Or, they’re simply too new to see what’s in store.

The reality of parenthood is that you will have to make 100 different choices a day just hoping to do the best you can. But it’s especially complicated when you share that responsibility with another person.

At some point, if the lack of sleep doesn’t tear at your connection, your disagreements will. You’re not going to agree on everything. You won’t agree on school, holidays, discipline, or something.

And it will be ridiculously easy to allow the distance between you and your partner to grow. You may not even notice it as you focus on your baby.

Babies can bring out resentment.

Sometimes, people who are convinced they want children wind up resenting having them at all. One partner may have been less interested in having kids and later resent the partner who wanted kids the most.

I’ve also run into folks who resent their partners for “changing” once they have kids. I probably hear the most complaints from men who don’t understand why their girlfriends or wives put the kids first over them.

Some people do change after having a baby. Their priorities shift. And partners don’t always shift together. When that happens, the hurt feelings run deep.

Having a baby doesn’t make you a better person.

Parenthood only makes you a better person if you do the self-work. Doing the bare minimum to keep your kid alive doesn’t cut it. Children have other needs, emotional ones. Our kids need parts of us that we can’t even explain.

Babies don’t deserve to bear our burdens. They shouldn’t have to give our lives merit or meaning. And they certainly shouldn’t have to “unite our families” or bring partners “closer together.”

You need to be really honest with yourself about your commitment to have a child.

It’s not just about getting through the baby stage, the teenage years, or the next two decades. You’re bringing a new person into the world and they are going to need you in one way or another for as long as you live.

When you die, it will shake them to their core. If they die, it will shake you. Whoever first said that having a child is like having your heart walk outside of your body was right.

And I don’t think that feeling ever ends.

But despite that connection, there’s no given that you are ready for parenthood. It doesn’t mean that you should have kids.

There are so many different ways that parenthood tries your patience, tugs at your heart, and challenges you. Can that be a good thing? Sure.

It will never be an easy thing. And it isn’t the right thing for everyone.

Having a baby won’t solve your problems or make your life better.

Yet plenty of people hope that it will. Maybe a baby isn’t the answer for those other folks, but they think that somehow it’s their answer.

And it’s not.

The best reason to have a baby is because you have the love to give, but not because you’re desperate to give it.

This can’t be about you and the life you think you want or need.

If you get honest with yourself about that, you might realize that you don't really want kids after all.