FADE IN:

The 3D AUDIENCE is briefly pranked into believing that there will be a CAPTAIN AMERICA SUBPLOT before realizing they're watching a TRAILER, which features a brand spanking new SHIELD HELICARRIER being REVEALED and then TOTALLY DESTROYED within TWO MINUTES, and wraps up with the tantalizing promise of SOME RANDOM EMO DUDE.

FADE IN FOR REAL:

EXT. THE DARK WORLD - 5,000 YEARS AGO

A BIG SWIRLY ENERGY FIELD THINGIE appears, because the superhero genre to date has been so painfully lacking in BIG SWIRLY ENERGY FIELD THINGIES.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V/O)

Before the universe existed, there was only the terrible destructive force known as the Aether. That, and the Dark Elves.

(pause)

And the Ancient Ones, the Old Ones, the Djinn, the Silk Man, the Life Entity, the Hounds of Tindalos, the Nibblonians, possibly the Celestials... honestly there was a whole fuckton of stuff, pretty much all of it evil. But for now, we're going to focus on the Dark Elves and their leader, Christopher Eccleston, who declared himself the eternal enemy of all that is true and good when he declined to participate in the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary special.

(snorts)

I mean really, GET OVER yourself, Destro.

The AUDIENCE is treated to a montage of JEDI fighting ORCS in ZACK SYNDER'S SPARTA.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V/O)

Anyway, the Dark Elves tried to use the Aether to wipe out the Nine Realms, during the last Convergence. But the Asgardians defeated them, and they assumed Eccleston was killed even though nobody saw him die and they never found his body, as you do.

(pause)

The Aether was too dangerous and powerful to keep, but could not be destroyed. So my father, the King, made certain it would never, ever be found again, by placing it inside a cave.

(pause)

In plain view, on an exposed ledge, in a big, scary, conspicuous box, engraved with runes saying "NO AETHER HERE, HONEST", completely sealed except for a slit going all the way through, allowing the Aether to remain visible and also infect anyone who got close enough.

(pause)

I found my Christmas presents early EVERY DAMN YEAR. Without even TRYING. Hell, one time they were under my own pillow. Dear Old Dad did not understand hiding, is my point.

INT. ASGARD - PRESENT DAY

TOM HIDDLESTON is brought in chains before ANTHONY HOPKINS.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

You've done it this time, Tom. You have the implied blood of hundreds of offscreen innocents on your hands, and nearly brought about the destruction of the human race. I must impose the harshest punishment on...

TOM HIDDLESTON

(smiles, winks)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

...oh, I can't stay mad at YOU, you loveable scamp! Just chill in your room until we need you, okay?

EXT. REALM #4: THE REALMENING

The annual BRAVEHEART-MEETS-EXCALIBUR convention is about to go sour when CHRIS HEMSWORTH arrives in a FABULOUS RAINBOW BURST!

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

Oh goodie, Thor's here! Want to pop a keg, bra?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No, thank you. For I have left my foolish youth behind, and am now an older, wiser, more mature, straight-up stoic hero type. Or in other words, dull as fuck.

TADANOBU ASANO

That's okay, thanks for saving my village! Allow me to repay you by lending my assistance with--

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Sorry, it's time to dump your ass faster than Jet Li in Expendables 2. I'll keep all my white war buddies around, though.

TADANOBU ASANO

Shit dude, what happened to pandering to Asian audiences? I thought that's what every blockbuster did now! This is some Norse-grade bullshit.

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

(shrugs)

I dunno, I might prefer having no character arc instead of "Crush on Thor - Fail - Repeat".

INT. ASGARD

The other WARRIORS get drunk celebrating ASGARDIAN EXCEPTIONALISM and their INTERVENTIONIST FOREIGN POLICY while CHRIS HEMSWORTH broods manfully.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

You seem troubled, Chris. Is it because you, an immortal, have fallen in love with a mortal woman?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

It's partly that. And partly the thought of having to ask Robert Pattinson for advice.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Well, I might have something insightful to say, if I weren't so beyond fucking bored by all this. Tell you what, go fuck Jaimie Alexander, that's your All-Seeing Odin Bulletin for today. Now go find a way to bring Tom back into the movie before the audience lapses into an even deeper coma than I'm in.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(thinks)

Hey, Tom is master of illusion and disguise. D'you think that right now, since he's safely locked up, we should all establish some code words with each other, in case Tom tries impersonating any of us?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

HA HA HA HA HA oh you and your crazy ideas. See, this is why you're not ready to be King yet.

INT. RESTAURANT - LONDON

NATALIE PORTMAN is on a date with CHRIS O'DOWD who, thanks to a later cameo by CHRIS EVANS, has to settle for being FOURTH-STRING CHRIS on this movie.

NATALIE PORTMAN

(to camera)

Oh sure, #1 Chris may have been busy restoring kingdoms and single-hammeredly battling giant rock monsters, but I've been just as valiant in my own way, restoring my LavaLife profile and heroically doing battle on the dating circuit!

(pause)

What, really?

CHRIS O'DOWD

So Natalie, you must be wondering how a blockbuster superhero movie already full of narrative threads can possibly find time for a tertiary rom-com subplot. Funny thing--

KAT DENNINGS

(rushing in)

Holy shit Natalie there's readings! THE GIZMOS HAVE MOTHERFUCKING READINGS!!

NATALIE PORTMAN

(grabs coat)

LATER BITCHES

(races off)

KAT DENNINGS

(chasing her)

REEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAADIIIIIIIINGS

CHRIS O'DOWD

...the fuck just happened

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

NATALIE, KAT, and INTERN GUY THAT WE WON'T BOTHER MENTIONING AGAIN follow the READINGS to the WAREHOUSE.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wow, this place is full of gravitational anomalies and wormholes that make random items disappear to God knows where. We should wander around until something bad happens to us.

Sure enough NATALIE gets wormholed to a CUT SCENE in the AETHER CAVE where she gets INFECTED!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh man, I can't even press Z or wiggle the nunchuck to get out of this? URK!

She wakes up back outside the WAREHOUSE!

KAT DENNINGS

(rushing over)

Fuck's sake Nat, you've been gone five hours! I called the police, so I could start throwing cops through various wormholes until one of them found you. What happened?

NATALIE PORTMAN

I think I've been infected with an evil destructive power from the dawn of time that might kill me. But it also creates a neat anti-rain shield, so those days of wondering whether to bring an umbrella? GONE.

Suddenly an ENORMOUS SPARKLE BOMB announces the arrival of CHRIS HEMSWORTH!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Thank goodness, it's Thor! And his costume that sometimes has sleeves, sometimes not!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yes, 'tis I! Idris Elba told me that his super-detection power could no longer see you. So naturally, I rushed to Earth in case you'd been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal or Anne Hathaway or anybody interesting. I mean Kat may have a voice like a bone saw but at least you know when she's onscreen...

NATALIE PORTMAN

A-hem?!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(double-takes)

Oh, you're still here.

(pause)

...which is great!

EXT. SPACE

SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND LIGHT-YEARS ACROSS THE ENDLESS VOID and BEHIND AN ASTEROID away, the DARK ELF SHIPS flicker to life!

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

wow

such awakening

very evil

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

Someone has disturbed the Aether, thus rousing us from our eternal sleep!

(pause)

Huh, so if they'd just flung the Aether into deep space 5000 years ago, we'd have been completely screwed.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

much space

so deep

gosh

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

Yes, our vengeance is at hand! First I shall turn into a "Kursed", which makes me super-awesome powerful but will also kill me, like, someday. Then I shall infiltrate the enemies of Asgard, be defeated in battle, get myself taken prisoner, and be thrown in the royal dungeon, that should take all of 40 seconds. TO GLORY!!

(leaves)

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

wow

INT. ASGARD MEDICAL COLLEGE

ANTHONY HOPKINS

What's going on here? Surely HUMAN doctors can deal with being supernaturally bound to ancient forces of mythic destruction? I mean really, do I have to be in ANOTHER goddamn scene, I am so fucking over all of this.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I've been trying to get Natalie into Odincare for hours, but it keeps timing out! Help us!

ANTHONY HOPKINS

(sighs)

I knew I shouldn't have lifted the ban on pre-universe-existing conditions. Very well! I shall help, in the form of telling you the entire backstory of the Aether and the Dark Elves, AGAIN. This will lull the Aether to sleep and buy us time.

(does so)

NATALIE PORTMAN

Phew, thanks! But wait... why was the Aether hidden IN one of the Realms that become wormhole-ridden during a Convergence, also known as the worst fucking time for someone to have the Aether? You guys have space travel, why not use a Mars cave, or another solar system altogether?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Apparently my grandfather sucked balls at hiding things. Anthony goes on and on about finding his Christmas presents early... of course HE had to hide my PS3 under ten tons of concrete and I'm STILL waiting for the manufacturer's warranty to--

NATALIE PORTMAN

(interrupting)

And if they existed before anything else why are they "Dark" Elves? Shouldn't they just be "Elves"? Or did they start as elves, and then muta-

MARVEL STUDIO LAWYERS

(diving in slow motion)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T SAY THE FORBIDDEN WOOOOOOOOOORD

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh that's right, I forgot that the assholes at Fox copyrighted a common noun. Hey, how about for Avengers 2 we forget Ultron and fuck up those guys instead?

At that very moment, ADEWALE is led into the DUNGEON where he DOUBLE-ACTIVATES his KURSED POWER, which strongly resembles the EXTREMIS POWER from IRON MAN 3 but what the hey. He BUSTS OUT!

ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE

HA HA! And what's more, I've synchronized this with an exterior spaceship attack! It may seem like I have no way of doing that, but I told them to attack when that guy in the third row finished his hot dog.

Outside, IDRIS ELBA spots a CLOAKED DARK ELF SHIP and ATTACKS it all WOLVERINE-VERSUS-SENTINEL STYLE!!

IDRIS ELBA

FINALLY I GET TO FUCKING DOOO SOMETHIIIIIIING

(trashes ship)

That's right bitches, Idris Elba has fucking ARRIVED!!

(sees 200 more ships decloak)

Well that was useless.

(checks PVR)

The DARK ELF SHIPS start SHOOTING and CRASHING INTO things including the PALACE! A group of ASGUARDS rush towards a crashed DARK ELF SHIP just as the DARK ELVES emerge and start BLASTING!!

ASGUARD #1

Fuck, did we just bring swords to a laser fight?

ASGUARD #2

Don't worry, we kicked these guys' asses in the prologue. We'll be fine...

(entire squad is killed)

RENE RUSSO

Don't worry Padme! The palace guard will handily dispatch these invading aliens! We shan't let the evil Trade Federation get you...

NATALIE PORTMAN

Why don't you take a deep breath and try doing that line again.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

(barging in)

can natalie come play

gosh

such threaten

RENE RUSSO

Finally I, TOO, get to fucking do something!!

(kicks Eccleston's ass)

That's right bitches, Rene Russo has fucking ARRI-

(stabbed by Adewale)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(rushing in)

NOOOO!!! Curse our particular blend of immortality, that can withstand near-infinite crushing and energy damage but one sharp edge and WE'RE TOTALLY FUCKED!

(zaps Eccleston)

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

wow

such lightning

very burn

ow

ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE

Oh crap, we didn't count on facing Thor when we planned our attack on Asgard, home of Thor! Better retreat and wait for a better time, since the same Kursed power that makes me mightier than him, will also fuck me dead at any moment.

(grabs Eccleston, flees)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

My wife... dead! Asgard... in tatters! Our ancient enemies... returned stronger than ever!! Oh, what fresh cruelty doth wicked Fate have next in store?!?

EXT. EARTH

Meanwhile STELLAN SKARSGARD has NO PANTS.

INT. WAR ROOM - ASGARD

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

There's no time to rebuild the castle shield. I mean, maybe there WOULD have been time before we spent a week planning Rene Russo's funeral, but right now? We're fucked. As in, utterly defenceless.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

(grumpily)

I had defences once. It was horrible.

(pause)

What, I need to give you a plan now? Fine. As the most battle-hardened leader here, I order everyone to sit with their thumb up their ass until our enemies regroup and come wipe us out! And that goes double for you, Chris! I want to see BOTH thumbs up that ass!!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Fuck's sake, everywhere I go, there's some asshole with an eyepatch bossing me around.

INT. OFFICIAL TREASON-PLOTTING CHAMBER

CHRIS gathers TOM HIDDLESTON, JAIMIE ALEXANDER, ZACHARY LEVI, RAY STEVENSON, and IDRIS ELBA for a SECRET MEETING.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Good news guys, I came up with a plan that allows you all to help, without giving any of you too much screen time.

(smiles)

After all, we can't forget who the cornerstone of this franchise is.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Indeed.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

So Tom, Natalie, and I will escape while running into exactly the same number of guard squads as we have buddies to hold them off. Then I'll use Tom's secret backdoor canyon to enter the Dark World and oh fuck I just created 86 more terabytes of fanfic didn't I.

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

At least.

(frowning)

Look, I'm not sure about this plan of yours.

RAY STEVENSON

Me neither.

(shakes head)

You may be God of the Storm, and Nat may be at death's door...

ZACHARY LEVI

But listen up, my friend Thor...

(lays down groove)

It's not too bright to trust Loki.

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

(busting moves)

It's not alright to trust Loki!

IDRIS ELBA

(funking out)

It's just not right to trust Loki!

RAY STEVENSON

(moonwalking)

It's--

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(slamming table)

ENOUGH, you dim-witted hooligans!! Come, let's away!

CHRIS'S plan WORKS, and soon enough he PLUNGES DESPERATELY into TOM'S MYSTERIOUS CREVASSE and oh crap there's another 53 terabytes... um, but NATALIE'S with them too, being all faint and vulnerable aaaaaaand that didn't help.

EXT. DARK WORLD

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

So Tom, do you want to deal with how you gave Adewale directions to Rene's chambers, thus getting our Mom killed?

TOM HIDDLESTON

(smiles, winks)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(grinning)

...aw shucks, forget it! Let's do this.

But suddenly, TOM pulls a TOTALLY-EXPECTED TOTALLY-UNEXPECTED DOUBLE-CROSS, cutting off CHRIS'S HAND and delivering NATALIE to CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON!

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

(extracting Aether from Natalie)

wow

much power

pretty clouds

rule everystuff

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

A-HA! My hand ISN'T cut off, it's an illusion! And although the SAME illusion concealing my hand could ALSO have concealed my hammer, I must now summon it to me, because Thor summoning his hammer is ALWAYS cool! ALWAYS!!

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

most repetitive

wow

such pointless

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That's what YOU think! But somehow I've convinced myself that the ageless Aether, that could not be annihilated by the combined might of all Asgard, will surely be wiped out by a bolt of lightning!

(zaps Aether, uselessly)

WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING

ADEWALE AKINNOUYE-AGBAJE

Time for me to kick some Asgardian!

(begins wailing on Tom & Chris)

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

gosh

much leaving

very conquer

TADANOBU ASANO

(appearing)

NOT SO FAST! Now for the OTHER master stroke of the plan, where Tom's illusions also concealed ME!

(to camera)

Yes, after Idris Elba used the Bifrost to summon me to Asgard, I stashed myself on the boat Chris took here, remaining undetected until I could deliver the crucial blow, thus...

(handed script rewrites)

Wait, where'd that part go? Now it says Idris makes an empty symbolic gesture before fucking off for the rest of the movie, and I don't even see my name any-

(vanishes)

ECCLESTON takes off! Meanwhile ADEWALE and TOM manage to VIOLENTLY IMPALE EACH OTHER and what IS it with you people.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

NOOO you can't die, Tom! The Marvel Cinematic Uni... er, I, need you!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Nope, it's the end for me. You know Marvel, dead is dead. One MILLION percent.

(dies)

(smiles, winks)

NATALIE PORTMAN

Ermahgerd, Tom is totes dead for realz! And look, I found my car keys! That means a wormhole from the warehouse leads here, and I guess it also means we never actually needed Tom's help to get here in the first place, oops.

EXT. EARTH - NATALIE'S PLACE

The GANG meet up to figure out their PLAN and FINALLY PUT SOME GODDAMN PANTS ON STELLAN SKARSGARD.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

So as we've explained three times already, Eccleston can use the Aether to destroy the Nine Realms during the Convergence which is happening now. But all we have to stop him, really, are these metal poles that detect wormhole activity.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wait! I can convert the detection-poles into uberpowerful control-poles, much like one can convert headphones into an iPod!

(does so)

Aah. Does anyone mind if we pause so I can savour my one and only active contribution to the...

STELLAN SKARSGARD

NO TIME! BIG CRAZY FINAL FIGHT NOW!!

Sure enough, CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON arrives in his COMMAND SHIP and PLOWS IT INTO THE GROUND, since apparently this is the only way DARK ELF SHIPS can LAND.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

wow

such london

converge 9realmz

so deadly

gosh

BATTLE is joined!! CHRIS and CHRISTOPHER take turns PUMMELLING THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER while NATALIE and STELLAN twist KNOBS AND SHIT trying to control the WORMHOLES but generally only MAKING THINGS MORE FUCKED UP.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

YOU ARE NOT HELPING AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT THINK

(teleports)

Meanwhile THOR'S HAMMER spends most of the fight COMPLETELY DEVOTED TO FRANTICALLY CHASING AFTER THOR which suggests that the WRITERS have decided the hammer is FEMALE.

INT. SUBWAY

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Damn, teleported into a comic sidebar moment during the final battle! And without my trusty hammer, I must rely on this mortal transport device. I hope Mjolnir reaches me soon!

SUBWAY PATRON

Doesn't your hammer only come to you when you stick out your arm and make frowny faces?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

EXCELSIOOOOOR!!!

(transfers to Jubilee line)

CHRIS valiantly takes the JUBILEE LINE south to GREEN PARK, then transfers to the PICCADILLY LINE eastbound to KING'S CROSS where he has his choice of the CIRCLE LINE, HAMMERSMITH LINE, or METROPOLITAN LINE to reach LIVERPOOL STREET STATION where he finds Mjolnir and BASHES A TELEPORT CONTROL ROD RIGHT INTO CHRIS ECCLESTON'S FUCKING CHEST.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Awesome! Now I can teleport Eccleston and his ship to the Dark World, where the ship will fall and crush him like the wannabe Wile E. Coyote that he is! Yup, turns out the only thing in Creation that can neutralize the Aether is a Looney Tunes ending.

INT. ASGARD - THRONE ROOM

CHRIS HEMSWORTH does some POST-GAME ANALYSIS with ANTHONY HOPKINS.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

So, we gonna talk about all that treason stuff that my friends and I did?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Nah, it's all good.

CHRIS HEMS

Cool. Want to hold my hammer a sec?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

I, er, don't feel like it. Instead let's have a heartwarming moment about fathers and sons and shit.

CHRIS HEMS

Indeed! That was a nice moment. Sure would suck if we completely undercut it somehow.

(leaves)

But SHOCKINGLY, to anyone with the attention span of MULCH, ANTHONY is really TOM HIDDLESTON!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Nyah ha ha, the throne of Asgard is finally MINE! Now I shall assume ALL of Anthony's Kingly duties, including military, political, and marit--

(pause)

Maybe it's just as well Rene got killed off.

END

INT. TRIPPY SPACE-MUSEUM-TYPE PLACE

JAIMIE brings THE ENCHANTED BOX THAT BARELY LOST OUT TO NATALIE PORTMAN DURING CASTING to BENICIO DEL TORO, who is playing beloved Marvel character WEIRDEST-FUCKING-GUY-IN-THE-UNIVERSE MAN.

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

So somehow we got the Aether out of Eccleston and now it's a gem or some shit. We figured it's safer in some creepazoid's library than buried in the heart of a sun somewhere, so here you are.

(leaves)

BENICIO DEL TORO

(smiling evilly)

One down... five to go. Heh heh heh.

(pause)

(checks script)

...FIVE?!? SERIOUSLY?! Holy fuck this is going to take till goddamn 2037.

END

INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT

NATALIE is hard at work MOPING when...

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(arriving)

I SAY THEE "NOOKIE"!!!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh thank God you're back, there's a giant alien beast rampaging through London and blrmmpphfffmblfbmm

An IMMORTAL EMBRACE... from the GOD of THUNDER! But FEAR NOT, gentle readers, the ALIEN BEAST was handily dealt with in thrilling fashion by the intrepid MARVEL'S AGENTS OF SHIELDBBWAH HA HA HA HA HOOOOOO BOY OH THAT'S RICH no seriously Torchwood got it.

END