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BETHESDA, MD – Last week, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) stated that it has $2 million in grant money set aside for a study examining the relationship between prescription narcotics and benzodiazepines and indoor plumbing.

“It has come to our attention that over the past 20 years, as the number of prescription narcotics and sedatives has skyrocketed, the amount of these medications disappearing down sink and toilet drains has increased at an even steeper rate,” explained Jon McMahon, MD, Ph.D, JD, MPH, MS.

“In America, a pill bottle full of prescription benzos or narcotics is 700,000 times more likely to fall into an indoor plumbing receptacle than all other medications combined. Meds to treat high blood pressure, diabetes, and cholesterol are prescribed with ALMOST as much frequency as narcotics and benzos, yet are almost never lost down sinks or toilets. Our aim is to find out if these chemical compounds have some magnetic properties or another explanation for their affinity to porcelain and metal pipes. Our numbers don’t lie: there has to be scientific reasons for this incredible disparity.”

When questioned if patients could be lying about losing their prescription meds because they could be selling them or taking them more frequently than their prescription indicates, Dr. McMahon responded, “I highly doubt that. I mean, what chunk of rat excrement would lie and waste his or her doctor’s time in the office or occupy an ER room that could be used to treat someone suffering from an actual problem? To prevent a vomiting elderly lady or a 3 year-old with an asthma attack from being promptly treated because you are a deceitful junkie wasting everyone’s time? No one is that shamelessly heartless.”

If the amount of narcotics lost into the sewage system is indeed correct, we could have toxic drug levels in our water ways.

“I was wondering why the fish seem to be getting so lazy and bloated recently,” said local fisherman Rob Wickers. “The fish seem to making some strange sound that starts with ‘D’ but I can’t fully understand what they are asking for.”