Upon further review and examination—based on texture, hue, and odor—I came to the bone-chilling conclusion that the culprit of the stickiness was a substance that could’ve only been human semen…relatively fresh human semen from a male penis.

In 7th grade, during the peak of my interest in marine mammals, I checked out a Zoobooks magazine from our school’s library (the one with the sea otter on the cover). That evening, while I was perusing it in my bedroom after supper, I noticed that two of the pages were mysteriously stuck together, temporarily preventing me from finishing an alluring article on the dietary habits of the North Pacific weasel family.

Facing the realization that I inadvertently made myself one of the main suspects in a potential reputation-ruining, school-wide criminal case, I figured I absolutely had to go full Hardy Boys mode and preemptively get to the bottom of it myself.

Zoophilia Brown and the Curious Case of the Sea Otter Semen

With the combination of a Catholic school that was adamantly and ironically against sexual deviance/taboos and our ruthlessly strict library teacher, Mr. Navage, who kept a particularly keen eye on the Zoobooks series, I knew I had to act quickly and discreetly (much like an anonymous cluster of sperm cells). But this is where things got especially sticky:

Since Zoobooks were among the most popular items at our library, right up there with Goosebumps and Captain Underpants, there were four different students who checked out the Sea Otter edition in the past week alone, not including myself.

Hannah Hamilton, Grade 7

Nathaniel Peabody, Grade 6

Mark Middleton IV, Grade 8

Abdul Al Hasawi, Grade 7

As much as I would’ve loved for that ***** *** fucking **** ****** **** Hannah “Ham Hock” Hamilton to get expelled and eternally embarrassed for bestiality reasons, I was forced to immediately rule her out due to her biological sex.

Hannah Hamilton, Grade 7

Nathaniel Peabody, Grade 6

Mark Middleton IV, Grade 8

Abdul Al Hasawi, Grade 7

Nathaniel Peabody, the puny product of a 5’4” bankruptcy lawyer and an even more miniature mother, could not have possibly produced semen with his prepubescent, pea-sized balls and peapod dick. As much as I wanted to see that dainty little dildo sweat and squirm under pressure, “Nematode Nate” was surely shooting blanks, and thus, also immediately removed from my list.

Hannah Hamilton, Grade 7

Nathaniel Peabody, Grade 6

Mark Middleton IV, Grade 8

Abdul Al Hasawi, Grade 7

Mark Middleton IV, who was colloquially referred to as “Marky Mids” by the majority of our student body, was an extremely popular but notoriously horny “picture porn guy” (this was 2006, right before the advent of Pornhub and similar video-hosting sites). The kid who regularly bragged about his collection of five decades worth of Playboy magazines that he accrued from three generations worth of Mark Middletons was obviously the number one suspect on my list, at first. Here was the dilemma:

After a beach trip to Cabo with Cole Cunningham’s family the previous summer, it became local knowledge that Marky Mids was so terrified of the ocean that he refused to even go near it during their entire 10-day vacation. In fact, rumor has it that his aversion to the ocean was so severe and debilitating that Mrs. Cunningham had to take him to a local Mexican hospital where he was officially diagnosed with Thalassophobia (an intense fear of the sea). Not saying that this automatically ruled out a sexual attraction to sea otters, but it certainly took away some suspicious steam from an otherwise red hot suspect.

Hannah Hamilton, Grade 7

Nathaniel Peabody, Grade 6

Mark Middleton IV, Grade 8 (??????)

Abdul Al Hasawi, Grade 7

Abdul, or Abdulaziz for long, was a pleasant boy of Kuwaiti descent who was as harmless as a grain of Arabian sand but as curious as a Persian cat. While he constantly raised his hand and stayed after class to pick the brains of our teachers, Abdulaziz was peculiarly fond of our quarterly “dissection day” in Biology class. Fascinated and immersed by the intricate actions that came with tediously and delicately taking a scalpel to the vulnerable body of deceased frogs, he even went as far as asking our teacher if he could take one of the “finished products” home with him “for research purposes.” Hmmmmm….

Did Abdulaziz Al Hasawi cum on the sea otter?

The next day, I waltzed into school armed with a Jimmy Neutron-themed flash drive containing the most conclusive evidence that a 13-year-old boy could possibly concoct (not for snitch purposes; only if it came down to defending my own name). Scared shitless of Mr. N. immediately examining my returned Zoobook and noticing the “cum page,” I was anxiously prepared to present my clues to him. As far as I was concerned, Abdulaziz could fuck directly off, and Mark Middleton The 4th could also fuck off at the exact same velocity. I was not about to be “the kid who came on the otter” for the rest of my adolescence. FUCK that.

So you can imagine my surprise when our principal’s voice boomed over the loud speaker that morning to inform us that Mr. Navage had resigned and moved to the Phoenix Area “for emergency family reasons.” Leaving behind a decade-plus-long cold case that progressively faded from my mind and memory, the shamelessly harsh Mr. Navage didn’t even have the opportunity to ruin the high school experiences of Mark or Abdul. I guess I pulled an all-nighter for nothing. Whatever, it didn’t really matter. Over the years, I completely forgot about that man. Until recently…

Fast forward to this Saturday, 13 years after the infamous incident, I was catching up with a good friend and former classmate via text when one iMessage from him sent a shiver down my spine.

There was no fucking way. I thought I was being pranked.

Saying that I audibly gasped would be the biggest understatement of 2019. The article was very real and damning.

But there it was, as clear as day: Mr. Navage’s weird ass was more than likely the one who cummed on the Sea Otter Zoobooks page this whole time. I’ll be damned.