I am beyond terrified, the clock is ticking as I spent another evening at work, trying to catch up on what email leftovers I may have, my feet hurt from the so “smart shoes” I have on, tending to convince myself that I work more than I pick up my phone responding to every beep. Each of my siblings sends out a message every minute or bunch, I get my father calling in, a call from a friend, if I am focused and able to work, I should get a medal for that.

But none of that tells you why I am terrified. Few hours ago, my mom crossed Gaza boarder Palestine towards Egypt. For those who don’t know, my mom is the dearest person to me and she also happens to be someone I haven’t seen for almost 8 years since 2012 when I left Palestine for the first time. I might meet her soon, yet not a reason to freak out. Leaving Gaza, she had two options, Egypt by land, or Israel by land. Neither is a friendly nor safe, but one is better than the other. I let you do the guessing.

She’s crossing a 500km desert in the middle of the night, a desert known for rogue military, drugs, a weapon-hub full of x members of gangs that gathers from all around the not so peaceful region of the Middle East. In the coming hours, my mom will be traveling though the dark in one of the most dangerous places in the whole Middle East region – the Sainai Deseet.

She’s off the grid now, I can’t hear from her not a single test. I can only hear from her within a window of 5 minutes sometime in the next 3 hours when she reaches the nearest city.

I don’t know how to feel, part of me is terrified and the other is excited. Was it worth it to get her out of Gaza, am I being selfish here? She couldn’t have stayed, and the 8 years of diaspora and disconnect couldn’t have become 10 or 15. Am I being unfair to my other siblings and father who were left alone in Palestine, she might be able to go back.

Then there is the dumb part of me that tries to address the distance created by 8 years of not seeing your own mom, how will it feel? Can I handle this? Is she going to feel the same she did 8 years ago about me, or miss me more! Am I a stranger, I am a stranger to an extent. If I haven’t seen a friend for 8 years, they’re out of my circle almost. They become an acquaintance. Am I an acquaintance?

I feel stupid and irrelevant that I am discussing these questions, while I sit here in the shade under an Air Condition, and she travels a cold desert at night under gun/kidnap risk for over 8 hours.

Mom…. be safe. I love you…. I hope to see you soon.

1:04 am – still haven’t heard from my mom: she’s been out of the house for over 16 hours now, last window of contact was 6 hours ago, 5 mins, a window of “no cell phone reception” lasts 4 hours from the point of last contact. I haven’t heard from here for 6 hours.

1:30 am – still haven’t heard anything, I panickly text uncles, siblings, dad, hoping to get some sort of intel.

1:37 a text comes in my mom is near Meadeyya- she passed the desert safe and has few more hours before she makes it to Cairo

6:45 am mom is in Cairo safe and sound,

Knowing she made it safe I book her the closest ticket at 1pm to Kuwait then to Cairo, she looked and sounded exhausted in that brief call, 24 hours crossing a desert in an old rusty car does rattle one’s soul off…