What do Chua and Rubenfeld (pictured in Pasadena, CA) have in common with Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney? Read on. (Photo used with permission of author).



With the sincerest intent of

pretending to be open-minded, I attended Tiger Mom Amy Chua and (her sidekick

co-author/husband/fellow Yale Law Professor) Jed Rubenfeld’s “discussion” last week. They were in Pasadena to promote their latest book, The Triple Package: How Three Unlikely Traits blah blah blah.

I wanted to listen with an

open heart, but I’ll be the first to admit I came in skeptical of the

simplistic nature of it all. How three traits

can explain success. How The Elite Eight -- Mormons, Cubans, Nigerians, Indians,

Jews, Lebanese, Persians, and Chinese -- are masterful practioners of these

“cultural practices.”

And to top it all off: I was

hungry. Starvin’ like Marvin Hungry. How long would I last?

The interview began at

7:01pm. By 7:08, Rubenfeld had already casually name-dropped Yale Law School

like a 1990’s 10th grader mentioned her Guess? jeans.

At 7:22pm, Chua readily and easily

makes an all-encompassing statement about Asian American high school students’

study habits and success. (Strange that in her book, she mentions Chinese

specifically as a model but in many of her conversational examples she uses

“Asian” and “Chinese” interchangeably).

I cringe and bear the laziness, overgeneralization, and limited

perspective. To make myself feel better, I imagine her Who-Riding the streets of Fresno or Long Beach

with socially estranged and underserved Southeast Asian youth and then giggle to

myself.

Their verbal end-arounds and

anecdotal “evidence” begin to frustrate me and I already want to leave after

just 20 minutes! Plus, I’m hungry remember?

A few minutes later, Chua

professes that she is “surprised” at the “controversy” of her book and

arguments. Huh?

If you want to build a

brand, I can relate. If you’re bored of academic fame, I understand that, too.

If you want to cop an easy buck, believe me, I get it.

But you DO NOT get to play

the Yale Law School Card (one of the biggest sources of your validation and a

surefire argument against tenure) and then turn around and play the Naiveté

Card.

You’re at Yale Law, one of

the most prestigious institutions within one of the most prestigious programs in the world. The world! You’re supposed to know stuff! Smart

people stuff! Like, I don’t know, race, gender, class intersections and how the

law affects different people disproportionately. Critical legal studies.

Critical race theory.

How could you NOT know that

discussing race/culture would be incendiary?

And that’s when the tingling

of my Spider Sense was confirmed. I

wasn’t only at KPCC’s Crawford Family Forum. I was also in Michael Jackson and

Paul McCartney’s 1983 “Say, Say, Say” video. The one where they go from town to town

shilling a secret potion that can make you super strong. You can imagine how it

turns out. Or just click here.

It all came together for me

like the last scene of The Usual Suspects. The polished clothes. The

credentials. The “theories” and controversy and then shock at said

controversy. Rubenfeld’s side career as a suspense novelist and past acting

aspirations. All the newspaper coverage. I imagine I look like Chazz Palminteri did here.

In Los Angeles, we don’t

know much, but we know a bad act when we see it.

I got up and left. I was starving now and there’s a bomb taco truck around the corner. It’s staffed by Mexican

guys, who, like me, are not part of the Chosen People.

Chomping on some carne asada

and carnitas relaxed me and I had a chance to process the evening, the whole

performative nature of it all. This wasn’t cultural commentary. This was

business. The self-promotion (and abuse

of the Yale/Ivy League brand). The pseudo-science. The self-promoting

pseudo-science.

So rather than write an

intelligent response that legitimizes these D-List celebrities, I thought I’d

fight fire with fire, match illogic with illogic, dimwit with dimwit. (Remember, never fight a land war in Asia or in this case, insult a Vietnamese man two blocks from his house).

First, self-promotion: My

name is Ky-Phong Tran and I graduated from UCLA, which has been called a "public Ivy." (Not too shabby for a war refugee!) I also have a master's degree in Asian American Studies, which not only means I know EVERYTHING about Asian Americans, it also means I rule all of Asian America (including Chua) from The Platinum Throne. And my writer website is www.frequentwind.com.

Then, pseudo-science. Somewhere

early in her talk, Chua says that her book is a “celebration” of cultures and

their successes and is based on “data.”

Well, since lists are like

buttholes and everyone has one, here’s MY personal list of the Great 8 Cultures “succeeding” today:

1. Brazilians Bar-b-q. Jiu-Jitsu. But most

of all, soccer. Five world cup titles! FIVE!

The Nobel Prize, given annually, is an easy win compared to the

quad-annual gathering of frenzied feet fury. Plus, Pele! If your culture

produces the greatest anything in anything, it has to be doing something right.

2. Mexicans Mexico City is Los Angeles

with memory. Every cultural phenomenon comes to Mexico -- but nothing ever

dies.

3. The French They did not invent

b-boying, but it’s fair to say that their street dancers dance with the most

style and flair in the whole world. Click here

4. Tongans This small South Pacific

nation (via Minnesota) gifted us with late '80s Latin freestyle band, The Jets,

and classic hits like "Rocket 2 U;” "Crush on You;”

"You Got It All;" and "Make It Real." They are so original and creative and lasting that there has not been a Tongan

Latin freestyle band since. You know

you’re badass when you open a door and then permanently close it behind you.

click here to play

5. Japanese That Chua and Rubenfeld left

out the culture that invented GIANT robots (Voltron, Transformers, the SDF-1) that

have saved humanity countless times over is both ungrateful and criminal in

Comic-Con Land. A drop through a Sky Door might be in order.

6. Buddhists Any religion that has room

for Richard Gere, Aung San Syuu Kyi, and the Dali Lama is doing something

right. Plus, George Lucas is a Buddhist and he created Star Wars. Star freaking

Wars!

7. Californians We invented the electric

car. Twice! Spurred the worldwide indoor smoking ban. Created gangsta rap and

three Mt. Rapmore icons: Dre, Cube, and Snoop. X-Games, surfing, skating.

Apple. The internet. If it’s

cool, it’s Cali.

And in a Street

Fighter-level combination of self-promotion and pseudo-science (the Chinese Chua

and Jewish Rubenfeld both happen to make their OWN list) (Isn’t that like giving

yourself an award?), I give you:

8. The Vietnamese Vietnamese people have

contributed some of the finest things known to civilization. First, Dat Nguyen,

the All-American linebacker who played for the Dallas Cowboys. An Asian guy?

Playing football? And not kicking, but tackling? It’s been nine years since his

retirement and there still hasn’t been an Asian American NFL player. He’s like

a Vietnamese unicorn! If the ESPN “30

for 30” guys don’t do a documentary about him than they wouldn’t know a story

if it tazered them.

Second, Sriracha, the now

universal hot sauce of the Gods. We will

conquer the world not through technology or finance, but the old fashioned

way -- through spice!

Last, pho. The alchemy of

broth, meat, and rice noodles is food perfection. Warming on a cold day, healing on a sick day.

One of the few meals you can eat for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Chua and Rubenfeld keeping

Vietnamese people out of the Elite 8 of Cultural Success is nothing short of a

C-O-N-spiracy, as crooked as an Olympic figure skating judge with a second

mortgage. And based on the “data,” sriracha and pho (the best spice and the

best dish, two #1 finishes) prove that Vietnamese people should have been on

their list TWICE! Duh!

In all seriousness, I did

learn two important things, two very American lessons from Chua, Rubenfeld, and Triple

Package:

One, define your own success.

Two, If you don’t like someone’s list, make your own. (And then put yourself on top

of it).

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Ky-Phong Tran is Vietnamese. Duh! K-PoP stands for Ky-Phong on Pop Culture and is an exploration of all things pop.