Most of your essentials are already distributed by vending machines: condoms, electronics, luscious 1-calorie Tab... But now, you can finally get what you really need: medical marijuana, from Anytime Vending Machines.

AVMs are 24/7 machines housed in standalone rooms, abutting two dispensaries and protected by round-the-clock security guards -- like ATMs for people combating psychological withdrawal with a physical one. After cinching up your doctor's consultation, hit an AVM location to get your prescription approved, fingerprint taken, and a prepaid credit card loaded with your profile: dosage (3.5 or 7 grams, up to 1oz a week) and strain preference (choice of five, including OG Cush and Granddaddy Purple, the mildly hallucinogenic forebear to Prince). Then day or night, all you do is hit a machine and walk away with enough vacuum-sealed, plastic-encapsulated cheeba to adequately treat your illness, and guarantee your car never smells like new leather again.

The AVMs are already in place at their respective dispensaries and will be fully-operational by Monday, though their vestibules are still under construction; future plans include machine-vended pharmaceuticals like Vicodin, Viagra, and Propecia -- for when the excessive chemicals in Tab have wracked you with pain, limpness, and baldness.