It had been months since whatever it was between us had ended.

Months since you asked me out and I had one of the best dates in a long time. Months since you text me long essay when we stayed up all night talking and I was amazed at how insanely easy we click. Months since you looked at me so intensely that I assumed how I meant something special to you. Months since you leaned over one enchanted evening and kissed me leaving me electrified and absolutely smitten with you. Months since you held my hand and you let me believe that there could be more and we were in the midst of becoming official.

In the aftermath, you left my heart in a trail of scattered pieces and hurt me so badly that I’m ashamed to admit that I’m still not over you.

You see, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to be the cool and chill girl who didn’t let anyone affect her. I wasn’t the type who would find someone irreplaceable. It wasn’t like me to fall into an ambiguous situation.

But I did. I went out with you and things got heated. We were dancing in the flames of dangerous desires and engaged in a high-stake game I was doomed to lose. And suddenly, I felt myself thinking of you during the blank space of my time. I felt myself looking forward to spending time with you. I begin to think that whatever we had wasn’t enough. I started to demand more and more from you.

Eventually, I decided to ask you the deadly question, what exactly were we?

But to my horror and worst nightmare, you denied having anything more with me. You brushed me off coldly and you suddenly became withdrawal immediately claiming that you had no idea. You had no idea I felt this way. You had no idea you were leading me on. You just wanted to be friends and it was better for us to stay this way.

You made excuses and proceed to pretend nothing happen. Your rejection cut me like a knife and I wondered what did I do to deserve this. My plea to talk about this was ignored.

It took me weeks to pick myself up and I am still struggling. I am struggling to accept that the person I thought you were didn’t exist. I am struggling to come to term with losing you and swallowing the bitter pill that you weren’t mine to begin with. I am struggling to see my worth that I deserve more than how you treated me. I am struggling to put this behind me without any closure from you. I am struggling to forget about what happened and move on with my life.

I am still struggling but I know I will walk out of this eventually. I know I deserve better than this almost relationship with you. I know what I want in a relationship now and it isn’t what you can give me.

I know it’s hard to get over you but I will die trying.