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Turns out, Scott Walker, who wants Obama to punish China for its economic troubles, has nothing on Religious Right doomsayer Pat Robertson. Robertson says the stock market crash is the result of God’s anger over Planned Parenthood funding and abortion.

Because, you know, China is a huge supporter of Planned Parenthood, which actually opposes China’s one-child policy and resultant “illegal practices of forced abortion and coerced birth control reported in some localities.”

Or is Robertson’s god a mental defective who can’t tell one country from another? Anything is possible in the world of the Religious Right. In the Old Testament, God’s ham-fisted punishments smote innocent and guilty alike.

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Robertson said,

We will pay dearly as a nation for this thing going on. And possibly if we were to stop all this slaughter the judgment of God might be lifted from us. But it’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. We just had a little taste of it in terms of the financial system, but it’s going to be shaken to its core in the next few months, years or however long it tastes and it will hurt every one of us.

Check it out courtesy of Right Wing Watch:

If, like me, you have Evangelical relations, some of this will already be familiar to you, dire warnings about a prophesied disaster in late September courtesy of “Messianic Jewish Rabbi and pastor” Jonathan Cahn, that should start you thinking about stocking up on supplies.

“This thing is hitting with great force and if Cahn is right on that Shemittah* we could be in for some really rough days in the markets,” Robertson advised, before telling his viewers to buy gold. Always buy gold. Jesus was a big believer in gold after all, as you will no doubt remember from your gospel accounts of him hauling duffle bags full of the stuff through the Galilean countryside.

No doubt mentally stroking his own gleaming stash, Robertson continued,

“It looks like the writing about the Shemittah was right on the money, it’s starting to happen and the height of it will be the middle of September so we’re a month away from trouble. You don’t know where to go, there is no place to hide financially except for the Lord.”

Which is kinda funny, because as George Carlin used to point out, Robertson’s God is really bad with money. I think he’s the last guy I’d go to for economic security. Give money to Robertson’s god and it ends up buying somebody else a private jet.

But the real problem for Robertson – and for Walker – is that things aren’t as bad today as they seemed last night. If you check CNNMoney this morning, for example, you will see the headline, Stocks set to rebound, except China. Investors are advised that “It may be safe to wade back into stocks Tuesday with one note of caution: China is still in deep turmoil.”

Another headline reads China stocks crash again but global markets recover. “China stocks closed sharply lower Tuesday but the damage was largely contained with most of Asia and Europe staging a recovery from Monday’s dramatic selloff.”

So as of this morning, God is punishing the wrong country.

Allianz’s chief economic advisor, Mohamed El-Erian, told investors on CNNMOney, “Do not panic at this point” and “look for investment opportunities.” When prices are low enough, he told CNBC, buyers will come back and the selloff will end.

He concluded, “This correction will be a good thing.”

A good thing?

Not exactly a divine punishment of the sort we’re used to expecting. It’s like a deluge that isn’t quite enough to float the ark. “Be patient, Noah,” they would be saying if it happened today. “The rain will come. Did you invest in gold?”

I’m pretty sure the Noah of the Bible wasn’t looking for investment opportunities. Neither, according to the Bible, were the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, or Pharaoh as the Midianite god of Moses sent waves of plagues down upon Egypt. And if ever there was a ruler who was heavily invested in gold, it was Pharaoh.

As it happens, Robertson ignored Cahn hedging his bets. To the question, “Is this a much-needed correction, as some analysts say? Or are prophetic voices that warned about a financial collapse watching prayerfully as their fortelling rings true?” Cahn told Charisma News yesterday,

“Though I always I want to emphasize God’s sovereignty, in that He is not bound to do anything according to our understanding, at the same time, I believe it is wise to be prepared. Whether or not there is a rebound, we are approaching a most dangerous period, and we need to take warning.”

So God might. But he might not. Perhaps what we have seen so far better qualifies as “pre-panic.” Stock up on supplies, invest in gold, and hunker down, waiting for Mike Huckabee to call down fire from heaven and worse, free all the rapists and murderers from prison.

Right now, I’m focused on that $2 a gallon gasoline they say might be coming our way in as little as a few weeks.

The Religious Right is always looking for a good disaster, whether natural or man-made, anything for a sign their God is there and listening and behaving the way they want him to behave, which is to say, taking actions which justify their own appalling bigotries.

No luck here today, but maybe in China. Maybe Beijing is Ground Zero for the Rapture. Who knew? I’m afraid, and they’ll all have to wait a bit longer for the end times here. Meanwhile, there is plenty of time to be stupid about it, and if there is one thing the Religious Right excels at, it is stupid.

* Shemittah is every 7 years This year it started on Sept. 25, 2014 and ends Sept. 13, 2015. Watch Cahn explain his Shemittah disaster model here.