GUNS = NO, ARMED POLICE = YES?

Back in 2003 Romanian fourth division side Steaua Nicolae Balcescu had a problem. The Man was threatening to kick the club out of the league after a rash of pitch invasions and off-field violence. A drastic solution was required. The best way to get these misbehaving fans under control was – and it’s obvious when you think about it – a crocodile-filled moat surrounding the pitch.

Birmingham City fan pleads guilty to assaulting Aston Villa’s Jack Grealish Read more

“This is not a joke,” cheered the club’s chairman, Alexandra Cringus. “We can get crocodiles easy enough and feed them on meat from the local abattoir. The ditch is planned to be wide enough that no one could manage to jump over it. Anyone who attempted to do so would have to deal with the crocs. I think that the problem of fans running on to the pitch will be solved once and for all.”

Unsurprisingly, Cringus’s wild and wacky plan was never implemented but it at least had the distinction of being the daftest crowd-control plan ever mooted in football history. That is, until today, when former Birmingham City and Wales midfielder David Cotterill waded into the debate surrounding the attack on Aston Villa’s Jack Grealish during Sunday’s Brum derby by opining that the best way to tackle the jinking, tricksy issue of crowd control is not with the calm well-timed challenge of actually thinking about it, or even with the two-footed knee-high lunge of a crocodile-filled moat, but by grabbing a semi-automatic firearm and blowing its kneecaps off.

“It’s a disgrace and very dangerous for the players because the pitch invader could have had a weapon or anything really. We need to stamp down on this as soon as possible,” he told BBC Radio Wales. “We need more security. I am not condoning guns at games but if the police are going to be armed, I think that is the way forward.”

Now, the Fiver thought there was a debate to be had about stewarding levels, attitudes and competencies, about policing and crowd control at matches, about whether clubs should face greater sanctions for the actions of their fanbase and whether those sanctions actually have any discernible effect on the behaviours of individuals. But thankfully not. It turns out we just need tooled-up police mowing down anyone threatening to encroach on the playing surface. Come back Cringus, all is forgiven.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“We’re extremely bitter [about it], but that’s a relegation battle. The ball remained on the line, even if we believed it should have gone in” – Hannover’s Hendrik Weydandt is still rubbing his eyes in disbelief after his strike partner Genki Haraguchi beat the keeper but not the snow in their crucial 3-2 defeat by Bayer Leverkusen.

Play Video 0:43 Hannover denied certain goal as ball gets stuck in snow on goal line – video

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FIVER LETTERS

“Poor Uncle Roy. His Crystal Palace side lost the M23 derby in very unlucky circumstances, the winner being scored by a player who a) could have been sent off in the first minute and b) was about to be substituted. A harsh lesson from the School of Knockaerts” – Declan Houton.

“I went through this week with a terrible combination of hubris following Manchester United’s win at PSG and a tendency to read into every possible omen. After insisting our pub trivia team be named “Ole’s at the Wheel”, we proceeded to come in a respectable second, losing by only two points to a team with a greater depth of personnel and expenditure on both food and booze. I left the bar in a sour mood” – Matt Richman (sent on Friday).

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Matt Richman.

BITS AND BOBS

Zinedine Zidane looks set to do a roulette turn right back into the Real Madrid dugout.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Tasty. Photograph: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

Jesse Lingard’s moonwalk celebrations In Manchester United’s FA Cup win at the Emirates helped motivate Arsenal in their 2-0 win over Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s side on Sunday. “In your mind you will never forget something like that. You don’t want to see it again,” said Bernd Leno, speaking for everyone.

Pep reckons his £1bn Manchester City side are still just lil’ boys among men in Big Cup. “We are teenagers in this competition, that’s what I feel,” he Pepped. “We want to win it, we push ourselves. The best way is to feel this kind of pressure.”

Merseyside Police are investigating an alleged racially motivated attack on the Liverpool goalkeeper Shamal George at a city centre bar. “We will offer Shamal and his family any support that they require,” said a Liverpool spokesperson.

Fifa is facing calls to launch an urgent investigation into a secret $100m TV deal offered by Qatar’s state-run broadcaster al-Jazeera three weeks before it awarded the 2022 World Cup to the country.

England have launched a new kit – the first to be specifically designed for the women’s side – prior to this summer’s World Cup, with each strip made from 12 recycled water bottles.

And England’s men are set to load up the minibus and head out on the road again for their first competitive home fixture in 13 years after the FA announced that the big Euro 2020 qualifier against Kosovo will be played away from Wembley.

STILL WANT MORE?

Ten talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action. Go on, get stuck in.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Blue win. Composite: Reuters/PA/Action Images

“Anger is an energy!” roars Andy Brassell, as he describes how Bayern Munich channelled their fresh and funky mood into a 6-0 mauling of po’ Wolfsburg.

Juve have a secret weapon up their sleeve for the Big Cup visit of Atlético – and his name is Moise Kean, writes Paolo Bandini, somewhat giving it away.

Spurs beware! Arsenal may yet be kings of norf Lahndan after their victory over Manchester United, writes Barney Ronay.

“I try not to just accept everything society says.” Landon Donovan gets his chat on with Adam Elder after making another comeback for indoor soccerballers the San Diego, um, Sockers.

And Max Gradel has single-handedly kept Toulouse out of the murky stuff this season – the big hero, cheer our Ligue Urrrrrn aficionados Adam White and Eric Devin.

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