The Philadelphia Eagles traded head coach Chip Kelly to the Tennessee Titans March 30 in exchange for the second overall pick in the 2015 NFL Draft.

In a huge move, the Eagles look poised to select University of Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota. Strangely, the man who seems to have wanted Mariota at the helm of his offense will now be leading an entirely different team.

This move is perplexing for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that Mariota is perfect for Kelly’s offense and now Kelly is moving to a team with no offense and no Mariota. Tough break for the young coach.

Why do the move then?

In a press conference held the morning after, an exhausted Chip Kelly spoke to the media.

“I, uh, don’t know what to say. I really don’t want to leave. Like, we spent four hours last night looking for a way to undo a trade that has already been agreed to. Turns out these things are pretty set in stone. Live and learn, I guess.”

When asked about why he made the trade, he was remorseful.

“You know, I didn’t mean what I said about me being the only ‘Chip’ here. When the Titans asked for a ‘trade chip,’ I could have sworn they meant Sam Bradford. Like, obviously he’s a trade chip, am I insane? He’s had like 10 knee injuries! But yeah, so I agreed, thinking they meant Bradford, but it turns out they actually just wanted us to ‘trade Chip,’ meaning me.”

Reporters then asked him how he felt about the move to the Titans.

“They’re a really, uh, interesting team. They’ve got uh, some players on their offense. Is Chris Johnson still there? He used to be kind of good, I hope he still plays for them. I feel great about how their logo looks. It’s like a thumbtack with a ‘T’ on it on fire, which is unique at least. I don’t know, I might have to actually look at their roster before answering this question. Do you think LeSean McCoy is on the trading block?”

He actually inquired with the Buffalo Bills about McCoy, but sources have uncovered that Bills’ head coach Rex Ryan responded with the following, via text message:

“Hahahahaha seriously? The Titans? You don’t have any players to trade! Dude … tough break, but we’re keeping Shady.”

Going forward, this leaves the Eagles and Titans in a strange spot, but more than anything, this has put Kelly in the worst position of his professional career. There are rumors swirling that Kelly is looking to return to the college game, citing that “any team I coach there will be better than the Titans, anyway.”

Specifically, Kelly is looking into coaching the Drexel University football team in the coming season. It remains unclear if he realizes that that isn’t an actual football team, but only time will tell.