I was sitting alone in my car just waiting to get up the nerve to call. I had also recently been inspired to come out as an atheist when reading the book The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins. At the end of the book he takes time to encourage new atheists to come out. It motivated me and was the final push I needed to make the call. When she picked up the phone she answered with such a warm and happy tone, “Hi Steven.” My stomach was in knots already. I tried to make small talk for a few minutes to put off the inevitable. I wasn’t very good at it. I tried to work into the topic as slowly as possible. This type of news doesn’t go over well in general. My mom was going to be devastated.

I eventually got up the nerve to say that my opinions about God and Christianity had changed. She asked me to clarify. Her tone began to sound concerned. It took me some time to respond. After a long-winded round-a-bout reply, I eventually got around to saying it, “I don’t believe in God anymore.” Her response will be etched in my memory forever, “Steven, you’re breaking my heart.” Truth be told, it was breaking my heart too. There was nothing in my mother’s life that meant more to her than faith. To know that one of her children had left the faith was for her, an unbearable thought. My news had blind-sided her. It broke her heart. In that moment, I felt as if I had betrayed her.



All these years later it still feels so horrible when I think about it. What made it worse was my understanding that she was experiencing intense emotional pain and that I was the cause of that pain. I knew I had to be true to myself and to my opinions and feelings about God, but that did not lessen the crushing impact of that moment.

She asked me to explain my reasoning, which I did in more detail than I think she was hoping for. My journey from faith to non-belief was very academic. After obtaining a four-year degree in Biblical Studies, one thing was clear to me: The Bible was a very human book. I had knowledge of mistakes, errors and human influences that for me prevented any misconception about the Bible being divinely inspired at all. For others it may be the suffering they see in the world or an unanswered prayer, but for me it ultimately came down to the facts about the Bible. Nevertheless, I still hold a very nostalgic feeling toward the Bible, although that may seem peculiar to some. I enjoy reading it from time to time and have my favorite verses even today. One of these verses in fact helped me in my transition from Christian to non-believer. 1 Samuel 16:7 says, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” What this verse meant to me was that no matter what people would think of me and my new opinions, if God did exist he would understand my heart, my motivations and the sincerity of my doubts. I never doubted because I was upset with God. I never doubted because God didn’t answer my prayers. I doubted because the Bible gave me reason to doubt. If there was a way that God could explain the human influences, errors and mistakes, then I of all people was ready to listen. I had built my whole life, family and career goals around the Bible. There was nothing more important to me than my relationship with God. I knew that God knew that too. I knew that he would surely understand my heart and the intellectual sincerity of my doubts. So, I put my faith in the fact that God knew my questions came from a place of honesty. This is what I explained to my mother. If God exists, then he understands my doubts and I am open to hear his answers.