Last month, George Hook announced he was writing an erotic novel. You might think that would come top of the list of things you would never want to hear George Hook say, but no more.

This morning, George took to the Brendan O’Connor Show on RTÉ Radio 1 to reveal his novel will form part of a trilogy, and to read two excerpts from what he’s written so far.

Hook emphasised that the novel is a work of fiction, but Brendan O’Connor seemed sceptical. The novel is set in a radio station “owned by an eccentric billionaire” and it centres on a character named Geoff. “One of the presenters - fat, old, balding radio presenter – is coming near the end of his life and he looks back,” George tells us, amid cries that he is not Geoff. “I’m only a writer of fiction here,” he says.

George chatted candidly about his own life and inclinations in between reading excerpts of ‘Geoff’s’ antics, and between the two, we now have a definitive list of things we never wanted to hear George Hook say. Behold.

1. “One thing dominated his thinking since that first erection in the outside toilet of the tenement block he inhabited with four other families.”

2. “The tragedy thing is, here is this guy who thinks 24/7 about women, whose mind is consumed about sex. [This is] George in the 60s. But there was no sex; imagine the tragedy of that!”

3. “Like my character here, I adore women but I was never faithful. I never did a line. The first line I did was Ingrid [His wife]. I had never been with a girl; I was always keeping them on the run. I’d be out with one on Friday and then I’d be at the rugby club on Saturday night.”

4. “Slowly and deliberately, she unbuttoned the first four buttons and he saw the wondrous orbs. And then, the objects of his imagination fell loose.”

5. “I remember the first time I was kissed erotically by a woman, french kissed by a woman. I fainted.”

6. “It wasn’t the act, but the chase, the victory, the heap of clothes on the floor that gave him pleasure. Young and old, fat and thin, black and white, they all were wonderful.”

7. “Snatches is an unfortunate word, Brendan.”

8 “Joanie the new night nurse was his kind of girl. She was a size 16 and the white starched uniform struggled to hold her magnificent double D breasts.”

9 “Last night when she bent over him to fluff his pillows, he had a glimpse of her little girls.”