WASHINGTON—Strapping the suspect to a chair and demanding to know if “he was the whistleblower, or else,” the Trump boys reportedly spent hours interrogating a White House janitor Wednesday after giving him a serum of all the sodas mixed together. “Well, well, well, Mr. Janitor, good luck keeping secrets from our awesome dad now that you’ve taken a sip of our super-powerful CIA brain juice,” said Eric Trump, prompting Don Jr. to give the White House employee some more of the “truth sermon [sic],” which included a mixture of Diet Coke, Fanta, Sprite, Powerade, Minute Maid, and Mr. Pibb, after the custodian refused to talk. “Who was it, toilet man? Was it one of our daddy’s friends? Or was it a pretty spy lady? Or was it you the whole time who whistleblew [sic] our dad all over the TV just for being the bestest president in the whole wide world?” At press time, Eric had reportedly begun to hyperventilate after accidentally taking a sip of the 30-ounce soda cup, letting out a huge burp, and realizing that he might have been the whistleblower the whole time.

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