If you can read this sentence, you are alive, which is one thing Anne Hathaway almost was not on Wednesday. The actress had to be rescued by a surfer after nearly drowning off the coast of Oahu, Hawaii.

Radar reports that Hathaway, who was vacationing with her husband Adam Shulman, began "screaming" for help after becoming caught in a rip current while swimming. A nearby surfer, who will forever leave all the TVs in his home tuned to ABC Family on the off chance a Saturday afternoon airing of "The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement" provides him with the chance to smile sheepishly and announce, "Y'know, I saved her life…" pulled her to safety. Back on the sand, Hathaway's husband inspected an injury on her foot (WITH HIS MOUTH). Though the experience of nearly drowning was surely terrifying, Hathaway eventually seemed fine, and will probably use the incident as fuel for her craft at a later date.

The most dramatic rendering of the events was, of course, presented by the griots at the Daily Mail, in the form of photo captions ("The panic on Anne's face is palpable, and this time she's not acting.") The dependent clauses (and enthusiastic kicker!) read like the track listing of a concept album describing the violent near-death of Shakespeare's wife:

Going under



Screaming for help



Drama at sea



Caught unawares



That sinking feeling



Minutes before



Risky business



Playing footsy



Inspection



Tending to the wounded



Cleaning the wound



Much better now



Ever so grateful



It's all okay!



Imagine if the photographs showed Anne Hathaway actually dying.