Transcript: Lions Team Selection Meeting

Lions Suite, Circular Quay Hotel, Sydney

2/7/13

WG: You boys ready to do this?

RH: Yes Warren

GR: Yep

AF: Aye

WG: Alright then, let’s start with loosehead…

GR, somewhat puzzled: Ok. Good stuff… but before we get right into the granular can you tell us who you want as Captain so we know what kind of team we are going for?

WG, staring at GR intensely: Let’s just start, pick what we feel is the best team and then we’ll get to the leadership. Alright? Good. So…loosehead. What do you reckon?

GR, staring back, still puzzled: Ehm, ok, for me it’s got to be Alex. Mako’s done really well all week and pushed him close but Alex’ll just tighten things up in the scrums and we can then spring Mako when things get a bit looser later on.

WG: Good. All agreed on Alex?

RH: Yes

AF: Yep.

WG: Alright then. Hooker…I reckon we should go with Hibbs, ay?

GR, casting a furtive glance at AF & RH, taking a deep breath: I’d have to go with Tommy, Gats. His work rate has been pretty much the best out of everyone, his darts are there and his tackle count is there too. He…

WG, interrupting: Yeah but Hibbs can really smash these Aussie bastids, ay?

GR: Sure, sure. Hibbs has done really well physically when he’s come on but I think the pack are looking to Tom as the go-to guy, particularly at the lineouts, and we just have to get that platform right this time or we’re going to struggle, again.

WG: Yeah but Hibbs’ll smash into them.

GR, glancing at AF & RH for support: Sure Gats but for me I really think Tom deserves this, more so than Hibbs and I know the pack think so too. Really I feel we have to go with Tommy on this. What do you think lads?

RH: We do need to get more go forward ball Graham so Warren has a point.

GR: True, but we’ll get that elsewhere. Tom’ll give us the stability that we need. That’s absolutely crucial. Final test. Andy?

AF: Ah go with Wiggy on this one Gats. Tom’s been bloody good all tour.

WG, staring at AF intensely, through gritted teeth: Alright then Graham. We’ll go with your call on this one. Tight head? Adam.

GR, a slight glisten of sweat raising on brow: Yes, Jonesy. Good call.

AF: Aye, bloody good player.

RH: Adam for me too Gats.

WG, breaking into a smile, clasping hands together: Alright then, looks like we’re getting somewhere!

RH, also now smiling: Good stuff boys.

WG, suddenly reverting to staring intensely at GR: Lock. Parling.

GR, taking another deep breath: Ok. Fair enough. I think Richie has been growing into the tour though so for me it’s between the pair of them and Alun Wyn. Ian has trained hard and good on him for that but it just hasn’t quite happened for him for whatever reason so they’re the three in the mix. I’d be happy to give Richie a chance, but did Geoff do enough to lose his place? Probably not. Geoff’ll do a good job.

WG: With Alun Wyn, ay.

GR, shifting uncomfortably in his seat: Ok. So you don’t want to have a look at Richie? He’s been galloping around the paddock for the last couple of weeks like a bloody thoroughbred. He really could be worth a go?

WG: No. Alun Wyn and Geoff and we’ll bloody smash these Aussie bastids!

RH: That’s a strong pairing Graham. They’ll do a good job for us. They’ll keep the power on in the scrum and get us over the gainline! They’ll smash the Aussies!

GR, raising his eyebrows at RH’s comment, exchanging another glance with AF: Alright lads, we’ll go with Geoff and Alun. Fair enough. Good call.

WG, breaking out into a smile again: Good! 6 is Dan, ay.

GR, suprised: Well what about Seanie Gats!? We need to at least have a look at him!

AF: Seanie’s a bloody good 6 alright.

WG: Sean’s at 7, ay?

GR, in disbelief: What about Justin then! He’s the form openside! I think if we go with Justin at 7 and either Seanie or Dan at 6 we’ll have a good balance. Dan at 6 improves our defence, yes, but Seanie’ll improve our attack. We know the Aussies’ll be bringing back Smith so if we go with Seanie at 7 Smith’ll just match his power and eat him up. Justin’ll beat Smith to the breakdown, he’s way quicker and’ll get us turnover ball. I’ve been thinking about this all week now Gats and I really think we should go with Justin and probably Seanie at 6 so we can really bring him into the game in attack. It’s a fast, mobile aggressive combination and we also have to get the tempo up from last week. We were just too slow and too passive.

WG: Danny and Sean’ll smash those bastids right up, ay? Then we bring Toby in to act as the link man and then we’ve got our tempo. You little beauty!

GR, even more surprised: What about Jamie then!? He’s been Mr. Go-Forward Ball all tour! We need to keep a bit of continuity as well Gats. Dan and Jamie did ok together last week. Sure they didn’t set the world on fire but they were bloody solid. I get your point about smashing them up front and I want it to happen as much as you do but the fact of the matter is they’ve bigger locks than us now and they’re going to bring back George bloody Smith. King bloody George Gats! He doesn’t do ‘getting smashed’. He fucking smashes! We’d be playing right to their strengths! Justin’ll get out of the blocks ahead of Smith and we’ll beat them at their own game. It’ll be bloody beautiful! We’ll out-jackal the bloody Aussies! Pocock’ll be crying into his schooner!!! It’s a foolproof…

WG, interrupting: Right so, Danny, Toby and Sean. We’ll bloody smash ‘em up front, these Aussie bloody bastids. Rob, 9? For me it’s Mike. He’s the best of the bloody lot.

GR, in even more disbelief: But, but, the back row Gats, we need to…

RH: Oh yes Gats Mike Phillips is a terrific scrum-half.

AF, springing to life: ‘old on lads Mike is good but e wasn’ bloody good in first test that’s for sure. Genia ran bloody rings round him. We need close that bloody door! Murray, e’s been bloody solid.

RH: Yes Andy, Conor has been solid but Mike is terrific, isn’t that right boss?

WG: That’s right. He’ll trample all over that little Aussie bastid.

WG, to himself, muttering: Little Aussie bastid!

AF: Fair enough Gats, Conor’s young and Mike has more to ‘im when e’s fit but bloody ‘ell Folau’s first try!? I’d’ve done a better scramble myself! Phillips didn’t even bother! You can’t be ‘avin that! What we need see defensively is…

WG, interrupting, staring intensely at AF: Sexton’s at 10.

AF, staring right back at WG: ‘Old on a bloody minute there Gats we were discussing scrum half.

WG: And Georgie Boy on the wing. He’ll bloody smash that Israel fuckin Folau bastid.

RH, excitedly: Smash them boss!

WG, muttering to himself: Bloody Aussie bastids!

RH, highpitched, clasping hands together in delight: Bastids!

AF, taken aback, stuttering: But, eh, eh…Northy is solid aye and gets my vote but Conor’s form scrumhalf! If we get good bloody solid base from 9 out we can then…

WG, interrupting: Then Roberts and Davies in the centre.

GR, AF & RH – silence.

RH: Ehm, I think you mean Roberts and Brian in the centre boss?

AF: Ah bloody ‘ope you mean Roberts and Brian in the centre boss!

GR: Look obviously he means Roberts and Brian in the centre, but getting back to Andy’s point about Conor for a minute…

WG, interrupting, glaring at AF & GR: Roberts and Davies’ll bloody smash those bloody Aussie bastids. We’ll…

GR, interrupting, sweating, in utter disbelief,: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a minute there Warren! You can’t leave Brian out! He’s bloody Brian O’Driscoll!!! He’s bloody Brian bloody O’Driscoll!!! For Davies!? Davies has been great but…

RH: I think you mean Brian in the centre boss?

WG, interrupting, still glaring: I’m going to be the first coach to ever drop him.

RH: I think you mean Brian in the centre boss?

AF, jumping to his feet: But he’s the best bloody player Gats! And he’s the bloody Captain now! Defence? Defence? Davies for O’Driscoll it’ll be like we’re a man down! Brian’s the Captain of the defence and he’s the bloody Captain of the Lions! If you drop him…

RH: Brian is the centre, right boss?

WG, to himself, smiling: Sam is the Captain of the Lions, Jamie Roberts is Captain of the Welsh defence and I’m the only coach with big enough balls to ever drop O’Driscoll.

AF, still standing, hands on head: But Gats…Gats…Warren, what about attack? We need Brian in attack!

RH: Balls, boss?

WG: Listen Andy, I know the two boys and they’ll get the job done. Jamie’ll smash them and Jonathan’ll finish them off. O’Driscoll hasn’t delivered and just because you like the guy doesn’t mean he’s getting in my bloody team. Now sit down and let’s get on with this bloody meeting, ay?

AF, still standing, imploring: But, but… What about attack?

GR, turning green, looking at AF: But what about attack?

RH: Brian is the centre, right boss?

WG, raising his voice: We’ve got Paddy fuckin Bowe and George fucking North in attack now sit down!

GR, feeling faint: Paddy… fuckin Bowe? But? But?

AF: But defence Warren, defence! Brian is…

WG: And Halfpenny at fullback, we’ll get round the corner, smash these Aussie bastids into the ground and Halfpenny’ll rack ‘em up and I’ll be the first bloody coach to drop O’Driscoll and win!

RH: Drop O’Driscoll, boss?

WG: And we’ll stick Tuilagi on the bench.

GR & AF, looking at each other as if they have just been told to squeal like a pig – silence.

RH: Drop O’Driscoll, boss?

WG, hands RH a typed piece of A4 paper, one correction at hooker, stands up to leave: And we’ll smash these bloody Aussie bastids into the ground. Here’s the team sheet. I’ll see you boys at the announcement. Thanks for your input boys. We’ve done a good job today.

Exit WG, promptly followed by RH.

RH: Brian is the centre, right boss?

AF, turning to look GR in the eyes: Ah bloody ‘ope e knows wha e’s doin!

GR, head in hands, shaking: So do I Andy, so do I.