



The Late Show with David Letterman

SEPTEMBER 21, 1999 (CBS) EDITOR'S NOTE: Our Hero shared basically the same anecdotes as he did on "The Tonight Show" over a year ago. But while Jay Leno just sat there puzzled, laughing, but not really getting the weird wit Norm was throwing down that night -- Dave was right in the middle, drawing Our Hero out. And what resulted was actually a lot fresher and impromptu than the scripted, but funny exchange with Leno. It's great to watch Norm and Dave together, because there's clearly a mutual, comedic admiration. -N!







Norm Song



Paul Shaffer and the band prepared a special intro song for Our Hero ... basically repeating his name over and over. Check it out.









Birthing Comedy





DAVE: How was your summer? What'd you do? Anything good? NORM: Ah, man. It was great. It was a lot of fun, I went, I have a little boy, ya know. DAVE: How old's your son? NORM: He's six years old. DAVE: Oh, that's great. NORM: I wanna say six, and he's uh (laughter) a lot of fun. I do things with him, ya know. We play and stuff. DAVE: What do you do? What kinda things? NORM: I took him to Disney World... DAVE: Well there you go. NORM: Down in Florida, you ever go there? DAVE: No, I've never been there. NORM: Oh, you don't have- you're barren. Not barren, but you don't have children. (laughter) DAVE: That's right, I'm barren. I'm- I'm barren! I'm infertile! That's right, I can't possibly have children! NORM: (laughing) No, I didn't mean that, I meant you don't have children. DAVE: I don't have any currently, no. (pause, laughter) NORM: So, but, I gotta tell you man, if you ever have kids, I hope you will, then you should take em to... DAVE: Have you been talking to somebody at the lab, Norm? (laughter) NORM: No, but Disney World is a beautiful place. You get to see... DAVE: Yeah, so you took your- What's your son's name? Timmy? NORM: Little Dylan. DAVE: Oh, Dylan? NORM: Yeah, yeah. Dylan. DAVE: Named for Bob Dylan? NORM: Yeah. I named him for Bob Dylan, and I thought, "Hey man, nobody's gonna be named Dylan, that's a cool name." Cause when I was a kid I always read Dylan, uh, uh, what's... DAVE: Thomas? NORM: Dylan Thomas, A Ch- A Child's Christmas in Wales. And uh, so I said, "Hey, nobody will have that name." And then everybody has that name, because they, they, they, they had that k- kid on 90210... This is too long, right? (laughter, light applause) DAVE: Well, ya know, after that discussion of my fertility I don't much care. (laughter)









The Lioness Has No Clothes



NORM: But they also have actual animals in a safari park. DAVE: Oh yeah, wild, dangerous jungle beasts. (polite laughter) NORM: Yeah. And you take your child through and you see, and it's a lot of fun except they don't tell ya... that they're not wearing any pants. (laughter) You know, like Goofy and Pluto, right? (laughter continues, light applause) DAVE: What are you- What are you talking about? NORM: Well, Goofy... You know how, you know... DAVE: What in the world are you talking about? (laughter) NORM: You know when you see Mickey Mouse, right? DAVE: Mickey Mouse is a cartoon character. NORM: He's- He's always got some trousers on. DAVE: He always has pants on, that's right. NORM: Right. Right. Well, the dangerous uh, lion and elephant, they have no pants on. DAVE: Right. Because, those are real actual living beings. (laughter) NORM: Right. DAVE: They're not animated cartoon characters. NORM: Exactly. But I'm a living being, I don't want my child to see my, ya know, uh, thing, right? (laughter) That's what I'm saying, I don't want my child, it's fine for you and me... DAVE: A completely different species, Norm! A completely different species. It's a whole different deal, my friend. NORM: Still... I'm not offended by it myself. But, children ask questions and you have- they go "What's that thing there between the uh, and y-, and- elephant? A big, giant, god-awful lookin' thing." (loud laughter, applause) I don't know. DAVE: Sounds like you have a very special child, Norm. NORM: No! Maybe you find it very attractive. (laughter) DAVE: No, I don't find it attractive, it's just, I don't see it as a problem, it's just like, "It's a, it's a rhinoceros, Eddie. It's just a rhinoceros." NORM: Right, but what would you say is the thing that, that... DAVE: I just say it's, it's his some-, it's his wallet. (laughter) It's where he keeps his... It's his, his little- It's a shaving kit. That's where he keeps his... Some change and a comb. NORM: Yeah. Maybe if you had a few more dollars in your wallet you'd have a kid. (laughter, cheers) I'm jokin'! DAVE: You're jokin'! I know, you're jokin'. NORM: No, because I heard, I was tryin' to make a [mumble]... DAVE: Yeah, you were tryin' to make a [mumble]? Very nice. (laughter) NORM: I bet you will have a nice kid one day. You'd be a great father. DAVE: Oh yeah I hope to, yeah that'd be fun, I'd like to have a kid. NORM: You'd be a good man... DAVE: I hope he turns out just like you. NORM: Aw... (laughter)









Bill Macy





DAVE: How's the show? Are y'all excited about the premiere? NORM: [strange sound of approval] (laughter) DAVE: Yeah? What do you- what do you got coming up for us? What's new? What's happening on the show? NORM: Um... DAVE: You gotta have a hook. You gotta have a gimmick, my friend. NORM: Yeah. Yeah. We're tryin' to get, my, the guy I'm doin' it with, ya know, he's the co-creator, this dude. He said, "We gotta get celebrities." Ya know? Guest... DAVE: Guest stars? NORM: Guest celebrities. Because a lot of the shows have celebrities, like I saw Dharma and Greg was on your show last night. Bob Dylan, gonna be on your show... DAVE: That's right, exactly. NORM: Yeah. And, uh, ya know Heidi Plum's (?) on another show. So anyways, I said, "Let's get some celebrities..." DAVE: Good idea! NORM: Yeah. And then it turned out they wanted me to phone celebrities. They said, "Do you have any celebrity friends you could phone?" DAVE: Oh yeah. [laughs] NORM: And I don't have any at all, I don't know anybody. (laughter) DAVE: Do you, does that make you feel kinda wormy when you have to place that call? I hate doing stuff like that. NORM: Yeah yeah yeah... DAVE: Cause I know they don't wanna hear from me. NORM: I got one guy. DAVE: Oh really? Well that's good, so you're doing better than I would. NORM: You know that guy that was Maude's husband? Played Maude's husband? (laughter) DAVE: Yeah I do. Yeah. NORM: Yeah. Bill Macy. DAVE: Bill Macy, exactly, yeah. NORM: So Bill Macy, he eats at this restaurant that I eat at... And he's across the way, so I say [laughing] "Hey pal! Listen man, you wanna be on that, that TV show I have?" He goes, [mimicking Macy] "Sure!" (laughter) So that'll be swee- I think we're doin' that in sweeps. (laughter, applause) DAVE: Is he gonna be on? Really? [laughs] Well do you want him on? NORM: Yeah! I love that guy! He goes, "Maude, sit!" DAVE: Yeah. [laughs] And that's it, then. NORM: Yeah that's g- only guy we got. But, I think, th- and the idea is that once Bill Macy does it, other guys'll wanna jump in. DAVE: Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it'll start a firestorm.









"You Hate Me!"



NORM: No, you know they take out "the". It's like "For Love of Game," that movie. "Love Game." They took- The actual expression is "for the love of the game." DAVE: Right. NORM: They took the "the"s out... To speed things up. (laughter) You didn't know that story? DAVE: Yeah oh yeah, I knew that story. Oh sure, it's a g- oh, it's a great story. NORM: [laughs] You hate me now because of the stuff about your testicles. (loud laughter, applause, cheers) I love you, you're my favorite guy! DAVE: Norm, I could- I couldn't be more flattered when guests come on the show and discuss my testicles. (laughter, applause) It's one of my favorite things. It's certainly not discussed at home! NORM: [laughs] I'll be great man, I'll be a good man next time. I always like to show you the respect. You're my favorite guy- DAVE: What the hell happened with the suit to show me the respect?! Ya moron! What're you tryin' to pull here?! Ah, we're just- Ah, we're just kiddin' here... NORM: No hey, congratulations on the Emmy. You have the funniest show on TV... DAVE: Thank you very much. NORM: And I feel bad. (heavy applause) DAVE: Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back.







