It’s been some time since I last posted my story, and to all my readers I apologize. This has turned out to be a lot harder than I initially anticipated. Although I do enjoy telling my story and it has become almost therapeutic for me, recalling some deep, dark memories has become a challenge. For those of you who haven’t had the chance to read my earlier posts I’ve included links at end of this post so you can catch up. After my damaging relationship with The Ex I began to see and hear things, at the time I was not aware it would become full blown psychosis. I was working on a spreadsheet and I heard a voice say to me “The Ex is the devil, this is a test”.

After I heard the voice speak to me, I started shaking. It sounded like a little whisper in my ear. The voice then repeated itself, again, and again. I knew I had heard the voice before but I could not pin point who the voice was. I kept looking around to see if someone was talking to me or if someone was around the corner whispering. There was no one, I then noticed a weird reflection on my penholder, which was very shiny, and I looked into it and thought I saw my ex. My heart started pounding, I was sweating, I felt like I was about to faint. I then heard another voice, it was one of my new co-workers, and the voice said to me “You need to become a Muslim Tina, you need to become a Muslim”. A few months before all of this happened, I had decided that I wanted to become a better Christian. I started attending church on a regular basis, I joined the choir (even though I can’t sing) I decided that it was time for me to be baptized into Pentecostal Church and accept Jesus into my life and even started my weekly classes to get me there. My “coach” had been reading the bible with me and began teaching me that I needed to leave certain things in the past in order to live the right life that Christ wanted me to live. I kept asking questions like, could I still listen to rap and hip-hop? His suggestion was no. I then decided that it was best to get rid of anything secular. I felt as though I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. If I was going to live my life for Christ I needed to do it the right way. Boy, was I wrong.

When I heard the voice tell me that I needed to become a Muslim, I immediately thought, maybe this is a test from God. The voices would speak for about 2 minutes and then disappear and then return about two –three hours later. I tried to focus on my work but I just couldn’t. I would just sit there staring at the computer, fearing that I would hear a voice. When I got home from work, I tried to have conversations with my family but I wasn’t actually listening to what they were saying, I kept listening and waiting for the voices to speak. As I was getting ready for bed, I began to take out my contacts, as I bent forward towards the mirror, I saw the reflection of my ex. I immediately screamed. My family was in the basement so no one heard me yell. I started shaking and ran to my bedroom. I just laid in my bed, and then the voice then told me “My ex was the devil”. I laid in my bed shaking. Every time I would hear a voice, I would immediately freeze. I was too scared to even think anything, let alone breathe. Trying to get ready for work was a struggle, I couldn’t find something to wear without my whole body shaking in fear of hearing voices. At this point, I started to become obsessed with events and things fitting together. Everything had a purpose and everything happened at the exact moment it was meant to be. In the mornings, I would receive emails giving me a daily bible scripture and a story. I felt as though each bible scripture fit exactly what I was going through at that moment. On this day, the scripture told me that life was a test. So I thought ah this is a test from God and I will surely pass this. I almost felt as though my “coach” had been giving me the tools all along so that I could pass this “test”. The voices then told me that I was the chosen one. Still, at this point, I was not talking back to the voices; I was only listening to what they were saying. The next few days at work became harder and harder. The voices critiqued me on everything I was doing, if I made a mistake while writing a paragraph, they would yell at me “ You’re such a stupid person”. Each negative thought would make my heart sink. I then felt as though I needed to prove to the voices that I was not stupid. I was indeed smart, so I began to make “mini-tests” for myself. I would attempt to write paragraphs and refused to use spell check. I started to talk to myself out loud and my co-workers at my new job would continue to ask me if I was ok. I told them yes and that Jesus would save me. At one point, one of my co-workers asked me to go on a walk with her, she told me I could tell her if there was anything wrong or if I was stressed out. As I was talking to her, her eyes turned blood red. I looked away, and then when I looked back, her eyes were back to normal. I didn’t understand what was going on with me and why God would put me through any of this. I finally decided it was time to tell someone that I was hearing voices.

The first person I told was my sister when I got home, who told me that I just needed to relax and sleep. I yelled at her and told her I was scared, I didn’t understand why I was hearing all these things. She also too did not understand the severity of what I was going through. At this point, I stopped eating, the voices told me food was evil, I stopped drinking water, they told me that was evil too and of course I stopped sleeping. I told my “coach” that I was hearing the voices tell me that I needed to become a Muslim. He then told me that I needed to shout back at the voices and tell them that I am a Christian and recite bible passages to feel better. This not only made the voices louder but it made them worse. Now when the voices would tell me to become a Muslim I would chant that I was covered by the blood of Jesus and that he would come and save me. I told them that my soul belonged to Jesus and the voices told me that I lost my soul a long time ago. They told me that my ex was coming to find me so that I could pay him back the money I owned or he would kill my friends and me. They said I needed to get rid of all of the clothes that he had seen me wear. I told them I couldn’t do that because then I would have no clothes. Then they told me if I wanted to live I would cooperate and shut up. So, I listened, I started giving away my clothes to my friends. At this point, I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. When would this test end? Why was this happening to me? The voices told me the world was going to end and I believed it. They told me Edmonton was hell and I believed it. I believed everything they told me. I couldn’t even watch television without thinking what I was watching on TV was applicable to something that was happening to me at that moment. After work during the first week of the voices, I called my mom and I started crying. I told her I was in Hell and that I needed to come home. I was living in fear but I couldn’t tell her that I was hearing voices. She told me that I was having a bad day and I just needed to relax and to give all my burdens to Jesus. When I got home, I told my sister I wanted to go home, she also told me that I was just having a bad day and I just needed to relax. No one understood what I was going through, let alone myself. Then, the voices escalated to the next level. While riding the bus home, I would hear 4-5 other voices speaking to me. Saying all sorts of things like, “You’re so stupid, you’re destined for greatness, you’re going to cure cancer, and you’re so smart”. I just wanted to get home and go to my room and sleep. As soon I got home, the voices told me that the rapture had come and that my family was gone. I started shaking, I called my sister on her phone and there was no answer. Did they really leave me? I opened my bible to start reading about the rapture, I saw the words in my bible change colors, and certain words became red, then yellow. I could hear the voices having a conversation with my sister and friends, “Just go back and get Tina and everything will be okay.” Then I heard a car speeding and stepping on the breaks. Finally my family came home and it turns out that they were just grocery shopping. At this point my anxiety level was so high that I couldn’t even process anything. I couldn’t form a sentence; my whole body was shaking all the time. I couldn’t type; let only focus on anything without the fear of hearing a voice. I started to stay late at work because I couldn’t get any work done during the day. Whatever thoughts I was hearing the voices would echo. If I thought about something one of my co-workers had previously said I would immediately hear their voice call me stupid. The voices would tell me, “How did you even get this job? You’re so STUPID”. I spent days and days crying, sleepless nights thinking that people were shaking my bed. I became paranoid thinking that everyone could hear my thoughts and knew what I was about to say. All I could do was close my eyes and pray that this would be over.

Unfortunately, this was only the beginning…

Link to post #1

https://afuaonlove.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/my-coming-out-augustinas-story/

Link to post #2

https://afuaonlove.wordpress.com/2015/02/21/i-am-not-my-illness/

Link to post #3

https://afuaonlove.wordpress.com/2015/03/25/he-told-me-he-loved-me/