Private exploratory phone calls continue among the leaders of B.C.’s three major parties, pending the final election results, to decide on the control of the legislature.

Those sneaky Russians, always trying to subvert western democracies, are monitoring the calls. One of them leaked this transcript to me:

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“Hi, Andy. It’s John here.”

“It’s Dr. Andrew Weaver. John who?”

“John Horgan. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Hello, John.”

“Hi. Sorry I called you Andy. We have so much in common. I feel like we’re buds.”

“We’re not ‘buds,’ John. Are you going to get mad at me again?”

“No! Not ever! I’m sorry I got mad at you that time.”

“Which time?”

“All those times. Were you working out during the campaign? You looked great in the last week.”

“Thank you.”

“You had a great-looking bus, too. Was that a turbocharged diesel? It looked way faster than my bus.”

“It was bio-diesel, John. We should all be using that.”

“Wow, that’s weird! I was just going to say the exact same thing. We should totally all be using bio-diesel. We sure think alike. Remember how hard we fought to get big money out of politics? That was so cool. I enjoyed working with you on that.”

“But we didn’t work together. And you took big money all the way through.”

“Well, we took some medium money. It’s the Liberals who took big money. Hey, did you know Langford and Oak Bay have almost identical tax rates per $1,000 of assessed value?”

“So what?”

“It’s just neat how our people have so much in common, like we do, that’s all.”

“I guess.”

“I’m sorry I stepped on your victory speech airtime. If I’d known you’d started, I would have waited.”

“Whatever.”

“It was sure a great speech. Especially that part about every Green decision will follow a principled, evidence-based approach. That sciencey stuff sure goes over well.”

“It’s not just ‘sciencey stuff.’ It’s what we believe.”

“Me, too! Evidence-based. I get that. Told you we have lots in common. Do you have any evidence of what Clark is going to do?”

“Yes. She’s going to call me. Just like you did.”

“Will you talk to her? Will you talk longer than you talked to me, or about the same? ”

“More likely I’ll just listen. John, I’ll get back to you. I have to take this call.”

Click.

“Hello, Dr. Weaver?”

“Hello, Christy.”

“Did you like my line on Wednesday? I said you were a smart, thoughtful, reasonable guy. And did you notice I mentioned the environment?”

“Very kind of you.”

“I was checking my to-do list on creating a prosperous British Columbia where we can all take care of the people we love and the environment too with hardly any taxes, and I realized something. I forgot to nominate you for the Order of B.C.”

“I already have the Order of B.C.”

“Oh. Do you want another one?”

“No.”

“What about a Good Citizenship Medal?”

“I have nothing but contempt for the Good Citizenship Medal. Don’t you remember me calling it a bizarre act of desperation when you invented it?”

“I must have been away that day. You know what I think is bizarre? The archaic first-past-the-post-electoral system, that’s what. And not letting 16-year-olds vote. And holding elections in May, when they should be in October.”

“Christy, you’re reading from my platform.”

“Oh … Look, cards on the table — what can I do to get you onside?”

“Ditch Site C, forget LNG, kill the pipeline and triple the carbon tax.”

“I’ll get back to you.”

Click.

lleyne@timescolonist.com