GLENDIVE, MT—Finding himself deeply satisfied upon learning that his alpha classmate’s life turned out nearly as shitty as his own, local automotive upholstery repairman Josh Vick, 29, felt deeply validated Thursday upon discovering that Luke Morris, one of the most popular kids in his high school class, had bottomed out almost as much as he himself has. “It’s really satisfying to know that even though he seemed like a golden boy with everything going for him when we were younger, he still managed to fuck up almost as bad as me,” said Vick, noting how good it felt to know that Morris, who was scouted by Division I football teams back when he was a high school quarterback, somehow never made it out of the slightly more affluent neighborhood of Glendale, where Vick also still lives. “I was so jealous of him growing up, but to see that he weighs only 10 or so pounds less than I do really puts my grudge to rest. And it’s pretty sad that he’s still dating Krista Kilmartin, the same old girl from high school, who by the way I was hopelessly in love with.” Vick reportedly felt smug after that Morris had taken a dead-end job as his manager at the local dollar store.

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