DENVER, CO— With many cities in America reaching their ‘peak week’ of cases in the coronavirus pandemic, it would appear that many local businessmen are more concerned with their messy widow’s peaks, and are willing to pay hundreds of dollars for underground haircuts. According to an investigative report conducted by the fabulous research team here at Sleeping Sardines, former high school sports jocks who currently make between $50,000-$80,000 in the finance industry are the most likely candidates to seek these illegal trims. “It’s just that on my Zoom calls I can’t quit staring at my hair and thinking about how no one is going to like me anymore without my fresh fade,” an anonymous twenty-seven year old Associate Business Specialist, whatever the fuck that means, told Sleeping Sardines. The illegal haircuts are being conducted by a ring of lesbian hairdressers from Great Clips, Supercuts, and SportClips, who claim to be nonviolent. “We just want our clients to be looking best for their virtual obligations,” a high-ranking member of the hair cutting mafia said. “We do want to be clear, however— just because this is a $200 illegal haircut, it does not mean that we offer happy endings.”