Today we`re going to attempt a groundbreaking medical experiment to help those unfortunate readers who suffer from a tragic condition called Humor Impairment. Don`t laugh! Humor Impairment afflicts Americans from all walks of life. Look at Richard Nixon. Here`s a man whose sense of humor was so badly stunted that he was forced, at White House social functions, to wear special shorts equipped with radio-controlled electrodes so that his aides could signal him, via electric shocks, when he was supposed to laugh. Sometimes, if the guests were unusually witty, the chief executive wound up twitching like a fresh-caught mackerel as dangerous voltage levels were reached in his boxers. So it is possible for a Humor Impaired person, through courage and determination, to overcome his handicap, and maybe even someday, like Mr. Nixon, attain the ultimate political achievement of not getting indicted. But before we can treat Humor Impairment, we have to be able to recognize it. It can affect anyone. YOU could have it. To find out whether you do, ask yourself this: What was your reaction to the first paragraph of this column? Did you think: ''Ha ha! That Nixon sure is a geek, all right!'' Or did you think:

''This is offensive, cheap, crude and vicious humor, making fun of a former president of the United States, a major public figure, an internationally recognized elder statesman, just because he is a geek.''

If you had either of those reactions, you are not Humor Impaired, because you at least grasped that the paragraph was SUPPOSED to be funny. The Humor Impaired people, on the other hand, missed that point entirely. They are already writing letters to the editor saying: ''They wouldn`t use electric shocks! They would use hand signals!'' Or: ''Where can I buy a pair of undershorts like that?'' Trust me! I know these people! I hear from them all the time!

In fact, that`s how I got the idea for the groundbreaking experiment. I had received a large batch of Humor Impaired letters responding to a recent column I wrote about Mister Language Person, and I was asking myself: How can I respond to these people in a humor column, when they don`t understand that it`s supposed to be humorous? That`s when I came up with my groundbreaking idea. You know how some TV shows are ''closed-captioned for the hearing impaired,'' meaning that if you have a special TV set, you can get subtitles? Well, I thought, why couldn`t you do that with humor?

So the rest of this groundbreaking column will be closed-captioned for the Humor Impaired. After each attempted joke, the humor element will be explained in parentheses, so that you Humor Impaired individuals can laugh right along with the rest of us. Ready? Here we go:

Many readers were upset about a recent column by ''Mister Language Person,'' the internationally recognized expert (NOT TRUE) who periodically answers common language questions submitted by imaginary readers (HE MAKES THE QUESTIONS UP). All of Mister Language Person`s answers are intended to be as accurate (NOT TRUE) and informative (NOT TRUE) as is humanly possible while still containing words such as ''booger.'' (''BOOGER'' IS FUNNY.)

Although I had thought that the recent Mister Language Person column met the usual high standards of accuracy (EVERYTHING IN IT WAS WRONG), it contained an item that attracted a very large amount of mail from astute readers (SARCASM: THESE PEOPLE APPEAR TO BE MISSING KEY BRAIN LOBES) (NOT LITERALLY) who saw that, in one of the items, SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

The item that virtually all of these readers focused on was the one in which an imaginary airline employee asked whether it was correct to say, ''A bomb has been placed on one of you`re airplanes'' or, ''A bomb has been placed, on one of you`re airplanes'' (THIS IS NOT REALLY HOW AIRLINES HANDLE BOMB THREATS) (AS FAR AS WE KNOW). Mister Language Person replied that the correct wording was ''A bomb has been placed IN one of you`re airplanes.''

(GET IT? IT`S STILL WRONG!! HA HA!) Many readers felt this answer was incorrect and took time out from their busy and rewarding careers in the demanding field of food chewing (PROBABLY NOT TRUE) to write letters.

Well, readers, I`ve researched this issue carefully (NOT TRUE: HE DRANK A BEER), and although this is not easy for me to say, I have to admit it: Your right. Thanks for ''straightening me out.'' This job would not be the same without you. I mean it. (HE MEANS IT.)