What better way to honor the youngsters in the Minor Leagues than to hand out some good ole’ fashioned high school superlatives? Yeah, I can probably think of a few better ways too, but handing out these bullshit awards is just more fun. Here are the 2016 MiLB Player Superlatives/Awards:

Player Who Hasn’t Even Begun To Peak, And When He Does Peak, He Will Peak All Over Your Face: Tim Tebow NYM, OF – For being just as delusional about his abilities as Dennis Reynolds is from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Most Likely To Succeed: Yoan Moncada BOS, 2B/3B – Kinda cheating because signing a $31.5 million signing bonus is already considered succeeding, but he is now the #1 prospect in baseball too.

Most Likely To Have His Dad Threaten To “Turn This Car Right Around” If He Doesn’t Stop Whining In The Backseat: Jorge Mateo NYY, SS/2B – For being suspended 2 weeks after throwing a tantrum about not being called up to Double-A when he wanted to be called up.

First To Get Married: Chase Vallot KC, C – Do you want to be the one to tell @craycray_tay that it’s over right before breaking into the big leagues? … I didn’t think so.

Most Likely To End Up In Prison: Danry Vasquez HOU, OF – For getting arrested after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend in a stairwell at the stadium of the Corpus Christi Hooks. No joke here, just a logical guess.

Teacher’s Pet: J.P. Crawford PHI, SS – Isn’t he so perfect with his great plate approach, contact numbers, up-the-middle defense, and high ranks on prospect lists. But with only 7 homers and 12 steals, he is no fun for fantasy.

Most Likely To Have Keith Law Call Him A Reliever All Off-Season: Josh Hader MIL, LHP – We get it, he has a funky delivery.

Most Likely To Kneel During The National Anthem: Dan Vogelbach SEA, 1B – Not in protest, but because he just gets easily winded being 6’0’’, 250 pounds.

Most Likely To Actually Still Be In High School: Vladimir Guerrero Jr. TOR, OF – We were all “Party(ing) Like It’s 1999” with Prince to bring in the new millennium, while Guerrero was sucking on his momma’s teat, being about 9 months old at the time and all (born 3/16/99). He literally still has braces on in his player picture.

By Michael Halpern (@MichaelCHalpern)

Email: michaelhalpern@imaginarybrickwall.com

Twitter: Imaginary Brick Wall (@ImaginaryBrickW)