The return of real men: Ladies, get ready to meet Mr Retrosexual



Once, men were simply men. But then feminists decided they were chauvinist pigs who didn't spend enough time doing the dishes. So along came the guilt-ridden New Man, swiftly followed by sensitive, moisturising Metrosexual Man. Of course, women soon missed the whiff of testosterone and were calling for the return of Real Men. Now a new book, The Retrosexual Manual: How To Be A Real Man, has been published. David Thomas tip-toes through the unashamedly macho details. . .



Gone is the metrosexual man, now women have been demanding the return of the real men, like Indiana Jones

Men have to have strong arms for opening things such as bottles, just like Popeye

Who is he?



Remember, you have a number of qualities, almost all deriving from your testosterone, which women can't help but admire. For example:

1. Your mind is uncluttered. Consider the female brain, filled as it is with multiple anxieties about its owner's hair, figure, health, diet, clothes, shoes, emotions, digestive transit, sex life, competitive female friendships, multi-tasking duties as a worker/lover/ wife/mother/whatever.

Instead, your mind is focused on the important things in life: sex, beer, football. Women secretly envy a mind like that.

2. You can make decisions on your own. You don't need to talk it over for hours with all your friends, or consult a horoscope, or worry about feng shui.



3. You have strong arms which come in handy whenever bottles need opening, cases need carrying, or a girl just feels like gazing at a strong, muscular limb.



4. You do not clutter up the bathroom. No woman wants a man who owns more beauty products than she does. A man who showers, shaves, then gets out of the way is ideal.





How to treat a lady

1. When on a date, you pay - even if she offers. Don't stand for any nonsense about going Dutch. And pay in cash - retrosexuals don't use credit cards.



2. You open doors for women, and you stand for pregnant women on a bus, train or Tube. You do this because you are a man, and you're proud of it.



3. You do not cook anything more sophisticated than Pot Noodles or baked beans. Cooking is her job. But when you have a Sunday roast - and you do, obviously - you carve with manly precision and flair.



4. Women like to talk, bless them. So don't try to stop her getting her feelings off her chest, however daft they might be. There's no need to actually listen, however. Nor does she expect, or even want you to express an opinion of your own. A nod of the head, roughly every 90 seconds, combined with a concerned frown, or a cheery laugh, where appropriate, is perfectly sufficient.



Sex and the City: But real men should avoid it like the plague

5. Of course, you want to have sex. Afterwards, however, it is important to avoid saying 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry, that's never happened before'.



6. She may be interested in commitment. You are not. It is vitally important that you never even acknowledge the possibility that you are in a relationship. The moment she uses a sentence that includes words such as 'wedding', 'children', or 'meet my parents', make your excuses and leave.



7. No woman ever comes between you and live TV football. Only a very special woman will come between you and the edited highlights on Match Of The Day.



8. There is no woman on Earth for whom you will go to see Sex And The City - The Movie.



Travel

A man without a car is like a dog without a collar. Since retrosexual men don't believe in global warming (apart from the notion that hotter weather = women wearing fewer clothes), they steer a fine line between cars that are weedy, girly excuses for a motor and flashy Italian sports cars that suggest their manhood might need a little motorised assistance.



The all-time classic retrosexual cars were all made by Ford in the golden era of retrosexuality, between 1970 and 1985.



They were: THE FORD CORTINA, as driven by the God of Retrosexuals, DCI Gene Hunt in Life On Mars (he exchanged it for an Audi Quattro in Ashes To Ashes). THE FORD CAPRI, as driven by Bodie and Doyle, in another retrosexual TV classic, The Professionals. THE FORD GRANADA, as driven by Arfur Daley in Minder. THE FORD SIERRA COSWORTH, as driven by boy-racers in the Home Counties during the mid-1980s.



Rules of the road

1. Never ask for directions, because you are never, ever lost. You're just taking a little longer than expected to get there.



2. Nor do you require sat-nav.



3. The correct speed for a retrosexual is 5 per cent above the stated limit - at all times.



A real man should never ask for directions, no matter how lost he is

4. The correct distance between you and the car in front is 3ft.



5. The correct answer to the question 'Should I let another driver cut in ahead of me at a junction?' is: 'Yes, if she's goodlooking.'



6. The only two occasions when it's acceptable to use a horn are: (i) to alert the driver in front when the traffic lights have turned green; (ii) to make a potentially attractive woman turn her face in your direction.



7. Never bother signalling left. Other motorists will always find out soon enough.



His mates

You have mates - but never Best Friends. Famous buddies such as Starsky and Hutch, Butch and Sundance, Batman and Robin, and even Ant and Dec are highly suspicious relationships.



No matter how tough those men may be, nor how straight, the Retrosexual can't help thinking they're all riding a little too close to Brokeback Mountain.



Too close: Batman and Robin who should be calling themselves mates but never best friends

When dealing with his friends, the Retrosexual sticks to basic, common-sense guidelines:



• NEVER be alone with another man for any longer than is strictly necessary.



• AVOID learning the other man's name for as long as possible and then never, ever use it (a humorous nickname, preferably abusive, may be permitted after many years of acquaintance, or when playing in the same sports team).



• NO ARRANGEMENTS for meeting again are permitted beyond a general 'See you around'.



• HUGS, tears and kisses are acceptable only if both parties are hopelessly drunk, and provided apologies for any indiscretions are exchanged as soon as they have sobered up.





Icons

SIR WALTER RALEIGH: He introduced the potato and tobacco into Britain, thereby giving us chips and fags.



ADMIRAL HORATIO NELSON: Defeated the French and the Spanish, while keeping his wife and Lady Hamilton happy.



BOBBY MOORE: England's World Cup-winning captain was a supreme footballer, an absolute gentleman and could drink you under the table.



STEVEMcQUEEN: Arguably the coolest star of them all, and didn't need any tame stunt-man to jump that bike over the barbedwire fence.



BRIAN CLOUGH: Ol' Big'ead wouldn't say he was the best manager in the business. But he was in the top one.



DI JACK REGAN: Forget Morse, this is Thaw at his best; nicking villains, administering kickings and snarling 'Get your trousers on, you're nicked!' in The Sweeney.



Look at what you're missing girls: Retrosexual icon Gene Hunt

ROD STEWART: Blondes as far as the eye can see, never knowingly short of a drink, has his own football pitch and terrible taste in clothes. That's a Retrosexual!



RAY WINSTONE: He's the daddy.



JEREMY CLARKSON: He drives cars fast, and drives Greens mad. His opinions are sound, his voice is loud and his fashion sense is non-existent. His only flaw is being called 'Jeremy'.



DCI GENE HUNT: A Regan for the modern age, singlehandedly responsible for reminding women what they're missing. All his best quotes are winners, such as: 'Don't move. You're surrounded by armed bastards!' Verily, the lord of all Retrosexual Men everywhere.



Home comforts

Beers in the fridge are all part of a real man's bachelor pad

A Retrosexual does not actually have a home, as such - not unless he has woken up one day to find that he has somehow got married. Of course, he has to have somewhere to live, but he demonstrates his inherent manliness by his absolute indifference to his physical surroundings.



So, while he may be forced to acquire chairs, tables, a bed and something to lie on while watching the telly, he pays no attention at all to what they look like.



He may, on the other hand, devote considerable care to choosing his 42in widescreen plasma TV, his DVD recorder and his surround-sound homecinema system.



No Retrosexual ever watches any propertybased TV show. His notion of a Grand Design is a 6ft high pyramid of beer cans.



He does, however, have a number of possible decorative styles at his fingertips. These include:

• MINIMALISM: Nothing in the place but a TV, a bed, a fridge and a pile of clothes on the floor.

• MODERNISM: Same as minimalism, only with better TV, more gadgets (serious hi-fi, PC, video games, etc), and a large selection of power-tools.

• SHABBY CHIC: In which random styles of furniture, all bought second-hand, are combined to give an eclectic, cluttered charm - or a pigsty, in other words.



The key is to tread a fine line between having such an untidy place that any women would run away, and being so clean and tidy that she questions your virility.



If in doubt, do nothing. Bare walls, lightbulbs and an absence of girly soft furnishings (eg. cushions, tablecloths and even curtains) are safe options. And never, ever light any candles.



