ROYAL Baby. Wimbledon. The Lions. Tour de France. And now The Ashes.

Batten down the hatches, and issue a national safety warning about travel to the United Kingdom. The British are about to become unbearable.

Following a string of sporting successes, early portents of a wipe-out in the Test series and the impending birth of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's first child, British national pride is swelling to dangerous proportions.

Pity the poor 100,000 Australians living there, but hazards abound too here at home.

Rugby tourists still lurk in Australian hotels, lolling about in self satisfaction after their test victory and keen to trap unsuspecting Australians in reminiscences of their moment of glory.

It's time to take the swagger out of their stride.

Here's a pocket reminder of things for Australians to tell Britons and it's more than your beer's warm and your skies are grey, though that is not a bad start.

1. THE WEATHER

Even as the cricket writers gathered at Trent Bridge for the start of their anticipated 3-blot series win, they were squinting at the sky, wondering how long the sunshine would last and when rain would stop play.

Last month, England experienced a "minor heatwave" with temperatures reaching a whopping 26 degrees. Phew! Now it's midsummer, the Poms can bask in balmy night temperatures of down to 14 degrees and an absolute daytime top of 23.

Meteorologists say that if it is sunny in England, there is a 70 per cent chance it will rain the day after.

At least the Christmas-New Year season of cricket tests in Australia guarantees cracking weather in which to loll about and drink cold beer, which brings us to...

2. THE BEER

Two types of beer exist in England: bitter and lager, although as proponents of Britain's real ale movement could bore for the commonwealth in telling you, there are hundreds of independent brewing labels.

Bitter is, well, bitter, and it's warm.

Lager may be cold but the sort on tap in the UK tastes like gnat's p--s.

Hence the longtime popularity for Foster's beer, an Australian brand which featured in Barry Humphries' films in the 1970s.

3. THE BEACHES

English beaches are mostly armoured with pebbles or cobble stones as opposed to sand, necessitating deck chairs and barring long walks or lazing about on a towel.

And the water is freezing.

The fact you can't go swimming or lie comfortably gave rise to ghastly amusement palaces at tragic spots like Brighton and Blackpool just so people would have something to do.

There are some sandy beaches, in Wales, and one white-sand beach, on the Isle of Harris in the Outer Hebrides in Scotland, which takes up to a day to get to and has an average high temperature of 16 degrees - without the wind chill factor.

4. THE FOOD

Millions of words have been written about the rise of British cuisine and skill of English celebrity chefs such as Heston Blumenthal whose signature dishes include Snail Porridge and Parsnip Cereal at his Berkshire restaurant, The Fat Duck.

The average Brit, however, dines most frequently on chicken tikka masala, a red or orange sauce-based dish which has overtaken fish and chips as the most popular takeaway meal, and which one English food critic described as "the culinary equivalent of Liebfraumilch".

5. HOLIDAYS

Even when they do go overseas, people from the UK tend to cluster in enclaves where they eat British food and avoid interaction with foreigners, apart from the waiters.

The number one most popular holiday spot for British people is Benidorm, on Spain's Costa Brava coast, which does have sand - and 280 British themed pubs.

Other favourite spots are the Spanish islands of Majorca and Ibiza, where English pub grub is readily available and wet T-shirt competitions add to the rich cultural tapestry of your stay.

6. AIRPORTS

So you've landed on an international flight at Heathrow Airport and you have to catch a plane to, well Ibiza, from Gatwick.

That will be about $100 by taxi or a pain-in-the-backside journey by train or coach and please allow at least three hours to cater for customs check-ins and delays.

Sensibly, Australia has been arguing for at least half a century over whether a second airport should be built in its major entry city, Sydney, and successive governments have done the right thing by travellers by sitting on their hands and doing nothing.

7. HAPPINESS

What with all that grey sky, warm beer and bad food, it is no wonder the annual Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development happiness survey recently ranked Britain, just pipped by Iceland, as the tenth happiest nation among developed economies.

The survey rates criteria such as income levels, health, safety and housing.

Guess who was first?

Australia, for the third year running, with Sweden, Canada, Norway and Switzerland rounding out the top five.

8. A NATION DIVIDED

They may come together to rejoice their victories and in times of great celebration, like the birth of a royal grandchild, but British people make a national sport out of hating each other which makes State of Origin rivalry look like high fiving.

The north and the south of England hate each other, the Scottish hate the English, the Welsh hate the English, the English hate everyone, and everyone hates the Welsh.

9. ECONOMY AND THE JOB MARKET

The UK's economy is basically down the toilet. Don't let a Pom fool you with stories about the greatness of the English pound.

Britain has a national debt of 90.7 per cent of gross domestic product (GDP) compared with 20.7 per cent in Australia. Australia is recognised as one of the fastest growing economies and has just celebrated 22 years without recession - a world record.

And Britain has fewer jobs. The unemployment rate is 5.7 per cent in Australia and 7.9 per cent in Britain.

10. AND ABOUT THOSE SPORTING WINS

It should be pointed out to all British rugby bores the Lions Rugby union side is a composite team of British and Irish players.

That means the cream of players from the England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland.

Isn't that like selecting Wallabies and All Blacks for one mighty Australasian rugby team?

And if the Poms win the cricket, remind them who Keven Pietersen, Jon Trott and Matt Prior are. They're South Africans.

English cricket has been stealing South Africans for decades. Think of the late, great Tony Greig, the magnificent South African spin bowler who captained England from 1975-77, after which he was stolen by Australian mogul Kerry Packer to start up World Series Cricket.

So there.

Continue the conversation via Twitter @candacesutton1 | @newscomauHQ

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