IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It could be any of those things or none of them—we’re not saying at the moment,” Cottonelle marketing director Wynnie Palmetto told reporters, adding that she was under contract not to reveal any more details beyond the fact that the product was still as absorbent as ever. “All you need to know is that we’ve put years of research into this, and once you’ve tried it, you won’t be in a hurry to wipe with any other brand. Trust me.” Palmetto went on to allay safety concerns by explaining that the product had already seen extensive use by the military.

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