Crackheads have a bad name. That’s not to say being a crackhead is particularly good, but they do have a worse reputation than potheads. In many cases, to smoke weed is no better than doing cocaine. Today’s weed is as dangerous as crack when compared to the pitifully weak stalk and seed today’s politicians (the same who downgraded weed to Category C) used to smoke in the 60s.

Think about it this way: If your coworker had to down a shot of whiskey each morning to get him going for the day, you’d be seeking help from AA. Why is a person who smokes marijuana as a sort of early routine any more legitimate?

Don’t Panic decided to ‘scientifically’ analyse the effects of cocaine and weed.

The devastating effects of reefer

Side Effects

Crackheads are usually associated with being nervous, anxious people, but did you know pot has many of the same side effects? As it turns out, too much of ‘a good thing’ can actually be bad, as smoking large amounts of weed can cause feelings of paranoia similar to that of crack. So much for pot comic Doug Benson’s theory that potheads are so laid back when they’re high that you can go up and pet them.

Cocaine lasts for a mere 15 to 60 minutes, but the effects of weed can last for up to two or three hours! And because it’s unclear whether weed is a gateway drug, you may never get past the dangers of cannabis to something more agreeable… like LSD or ecstasy.

‘Fashionable’ Pull

For every celebrity scandal involving drugs from Kate Moss, through Lindsay Lohan to Whitney Houston, crack is the drug of choice for all the massively famous fuck-ups. Users have claimed heightened alertness, feelings of sexuality and increased athletic capabilities.

Pot on the other hand was once used as a truth serum because of how comfortable users were to talk under the influence. And although there isn’t much classier than a 420 party, the most you get by ways of scandals is Michael Phelps. Meh.

Best to Work With

The most important thing about work is the necessity to get it done. Smoke enough weed and your coworkers will lose so much track of time and focus and be too relaxed to do just about anything. Instead of working, they’ll be staring at their fingers, singing Judy Garland and eating McGriddles at 2 PM.

Say what you will about crackheads, but they get the job done. It’s a powerful stimulant that will keep them alert and going throughout the day better than any Red Bull could. Sure you’ll have to put up with constant sniffing and trips to the bathroom every half hour, but it’ll be worth it come quarterly reports time.

Artistic Capabilities

You can’t write a good screenplay unless you’re on crack. Hollywood big wigs pass it around like currency. But it also helps if you write about using cocaine. Have you seen Requiem for a Dream? Midnight Cowboy? Either of the Bad Lieutenant films? It’s like that.

But who are the great auteurs of smoking weed? Cheech and Chong? Pauly Shore? Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Time to hang up that Hacky Sack and break out the crack pipe!