Yay! We won! 2–3!

Helton lives to coach another day.

Keeping with the theme of the last couple weeks let’s go over some of my best/worst decisions. No pats on the back for missing college football this weekend, the Trojans won and there were some great games on the national stage. However, the worst decision I made was assuming a loss, punting on this week of Trojan football and skipping the game to go to a country concert. To add insult to injury, or injury to insult, I forgot to bring a jacket but somehow managed to bring a date. Lesson learned, always bring a jacket even when you have a date with you. Anywhere. No matter the weather. Even if you don’t get cold just assume she will.

USC football in a nutshell. Once I give up, they beat an undefeated team in impressive fashion and force me back in. Don’t worry, they will eventually break my heart again this season, but that’s future Scondi’s problem.

Before we even woke up hungover on Saturday we got to watch one of our rivals, the Stanford Cardinal, get stuffed in a locker for four quarters by the Washington Huskies.

Woof! That lineman should have been sent to the kennel after that one.

In one of the only Stanford games Heisman voters will watch this year, McCaffrey unsurprisingly laid a big fat egg on national television. But he did get a lot of all-purpose yards from all those kick returns he had to field.

Guess the only time McCaffrey looks like the best running back in the nation is when he’s going against our defense.

Despite Stanford being embarrassed in a 44–6 rout, somehow USC came out the loser during this game. Not only did a team that dominated us just get crushed, but the resurgence of the Washington football program was created by Pat Haden and his inability to make a good decisions beyond knowing what donors will sign the largest checks to the athletic department.

Instead of hiring Washington’s current coach Chris Petersen (a man that made Boise State relevant and consistently ranked throughout his tenure in the state of potatoes), Haden decided to make a bold move and hire away Steve Sarkisian from Washington. And by hire away, I mean make it easier for Washington since they were going to fire Sark after going 34–29 in five seasons and having only broken one record: Number of bar tabs filed under a “business” expense.

What was Pat Haden’s vision? Having incompetent offensive coordinators with character flaws that have been in the same coaches’ room as Pete Carroll? Those said coaches squandering some of the best football talent in the nation for over six years?

Apparently one of the reasons Petersen wasn’t hired was because he “couldn’t handle the bright lights of Los Angeles.” Turns out Sark also struggled with the bright lights, but mostly due to his hangovers.

Petersen seems to be doing fine in Seattle. Looks like a ghost town compared to LA.

But enough self and team loathing. Pat Haden is dead (to me) and while his legacy is still lingering on the Trojans sidelines they found a way to win a conference game. In Week 5! Better late than never.

Trojans are on an upswing this week. Even our much joked about former QB, Cody Best Buy, somehow managed to not be bad for the atrocious Cleveland Browns. They still lost but give him a break: He’s not a miracle worker.

Who would have thought that Kessler would have an NFL touchdown pass before Matt Barkley? Besides me of course.

I mean, he’s not wrong.

Remember when Barkley was the projected №1 pick but decided to stay an extra year and go 7–7 with Future Oregon Ducks Coach Lane Kiffin? Now he’s the third string quarterback on the Bears. But at least he got that degree in Communications!

Moral of the story is strike when the irons hot. Take the money and leave (for more money). Fans will only call you a sellout on Twitter for two or three days.

Note to Adoree’ and JuJu: If you are reading this, ignore what I just said. Stay here forever.

Pregame

It must be a pretty good luck charm to have an Olympic Champion lead the team out onto the field. Not like the time versus Stanford when we had Will Ferrell lead us out after finishing filming his hit comedy “Get Hard” with Kevin Hart (29% on Rotten Tomatoes).

A lot of fans pointed out to me in last week’s article that Traveler is not a stallion but in fact a mare. Not only is she a female but she cares about her fellow women.

Good thing this isn’t the NFL. Goodell would have definitely thrown out a fine for this flashy attire.

Game Recap

First quarter began rocky with USC failing to convert on a 4th and 2 inside their own territory.

Too little too late from Coach Helton, but I am big fan of the public controlling the decision making with the team. It can be like the “Ask The Audience” lifeline from “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”. It would probably require some time to collect the votes but we all know Clay loves using timeouts at inopportune times.

With USC already down, the defense needed to make a stop to prevent the team from throwing out the whole game plan (if we had one) and going off script.

Run like (Taylor) Mays, Hit like Hayes (Pullard).

Lockett? More like Lock down! The junior cornerback saved the Trojans from going down two scores with a major momentum-swinging turnover.

Seriously. I was receiving panicked texts about how badly the Trojans were looking before this play. This is the current state of our team; being overly nervous halfway through the first quarter only down a field goal.

Just because Noah Jefferson is catching up on his studies, doesn’t mean the Trojans can open the floodgates!

Great move by Darnold getting JuJu the ball early. A happy JuJu is an effective JuJu (Which you will see more of later on).

That’s why we hired Clancy! For that constant pressure on the quarterback!

Wisconsin’s defense is №14 in the nation and held №4 Michigan to 14 points while it takes us three games to get a sack. Can we make sure that Justin Wilcox didn’t switch bodies with Pendergrast in some sort of “Freaky Friday”situation?

I’ve seen this play every year and it usually leads to utter disaster as our quarterbacks usually run like they have cinder blocks for feet. Fortunately, with Darnold, we have someone with legs. He was able to salvage the play for a big gain.

MORE PUNTS IN OPPOSING TERRITORY! IF ITS BROKE, DON’T FIX IT!

“No such thing as a bad dab, the only bad dabs are dabs you don’t do” — @BarstoolBigCat

Okay, maybe there are bad dabs.

If that field goal off the post in the Alabama game didn’t convince you Boermeester is legit, than a 49-yarder should seal the deal.

Now for the nickname. A lot of fans gave some good suggestions. Boom-Boom Boermeester, Boomeester, The Leg of Troy, Auto-Matt-ick.

But I did some research (also known as Google) and found out his last name in Dutch translates to “Master Farmer”, which is the nickname I’m going with, since he’s been harvesting up all these kicks for the Trojans this season.

The nickname is horrible but who cares? Kickers aren’t people.

This timeout was called on a 4th and 35?! There are so many things wrong with this. Okay, two things wrong with this.

1. Who cares if 10 people are on the field on a 4th and 35? We could have had just Adoree’ out there and they still wouldn’t have converted a first down (if they even would have tried).

2. Why are we still having issues with not having enough people on the field? Did we not buy the special team’s mat I suggested two weeks ago? It only costs $350. I think the athletic department can afford it.

Put the Texas Tesla in the garage for the fall. Justin Davis IS Tailback U.

Love the subtle Mutumbo finger wag at the end. JuJu is a dynamic receiver, but he is in no way humble. Fortunately for the Trojans, he focuses his aggression on knocking out defenders and making big plays instead of fighting with kicking nets (looking at you, Odell).

Only time a Trojan quarterback runs like that is if Todd Marinovich starts hearing police sirens.

And with an emphatic win, the bandwagon makes its second stop at USC. Some fans are already walking on, but a cautious few are waiting to see how next week shapes up before they start calculating the hypotheticals for a Pac-12 South Title.

I see the campaign to get Adoree’ to stay his senior year has already begun. Hopefully, a couple of Trojan Knights slipped him some cash. Just wet the beak a little bit.

Adoree’ Knows…..money talks or he walks!

Post-Game

Darnold Comparison (The Next John David Booty)

These stat comparisons only mean one thing: Sam Darnold is the next John David Booty!

In all seriousness, this kid is legit. He’s making smart decisions, sharp throws, and his running ability adds a new layer that has really never been seen in a USC offense before. It’s definitely making up for the shortcomings in this years hugely disappointing offensive line.

I’ll eat crow on my initial thoughts on him but bear in mind the only sample size I was given was handoffs and a couple garbage time throws against Alabama.

His versatility is so effective it’s forcing the coaches to change up the offensive scheme (again, if we had one initially).

Sam Darnold > Lamar Jackson

Bobby, the offer still stands. We know you can leave your team halfway through the season. Just leave a note in the locker room like when you left the Atlanta Falcons.

While our coaches may think he’s an every quarter back, he’s definitely showing that he is an every down back.

Yes. Nothing to lose. Mostly because your decisions on fourth down in the past two games have left us with nothing but looking at the schedule trying to figure out which teams will be able to beat in order to make a bowl game.

And what about deciding to punt in opposing territory two drives later? I guess being up one qualifies as “something to lose”. Clay Helton is the guy at the blackjack table who splits tens on his first hand and then stays on 16 the next hand.

Are there two Clay Heltons? One that makes the awful fourth down decisions and ill-timed timeouts and another that gives confident pressers post game about how the team is improving?

Does he have a split personality? Dr. Cranberries Clay and Mr. Hindsight Helton?

Clay WAS aggressive when he wanted the head coaching job. Then he realized when he got it, he can very easily lose it.

Better get aggressive again Coach. Your replacement is a lot closer than you think.

I hope everyone at that press conference rolled their eyes when Clay leads off with that. That’s the kind of cliched quote that when you type it on Google the first result is the image of the quote in front of soldier.

Okay, mountain climber. I was close.

Game Preview

For reference, this is very similar to what the Pac-12 South looked like last year. Don’t get your hopes up yet but a victory against Colorado and we may be back in this thing.

2–3 versus №23

It truly is bizarro world that a under .500 USC team is facing off against ranked Colorado. This is the “highest” the Buffs been in years.

The Buffaloes have been rather cocky this whole season, even creating a web series called “The Rise”.

Give me a break Colorado. You’ve been the laughing stock of the Pac-12 since we added you to the conference and now that you finally crawl out of the dog house (or wherever you put Buffaloes), you start acting like you’re starting a football dynasty.

Call me when any Colorado native cares about a football team other than the Denver Broncos.

Hell, I bet the majority of your alumni don’t even know how well you’re doing. Too busy getting cross-faded on a Saturday afternoon.

Now this stat makes more sense. USC is undefeated against Colorado. Let’s hope there isn’t any “Stranger Things” that prevent us from getting to “Eleven”.

USC is 5–0 against the spread. They’ve won every game they’ve been favored in and lost every game when they’re underdogs. Vegas knows! VEGAS KNOWS!

Not a great way to start the week for Colorado. We have killer clowns all over the United States and now vigilantes wielding machetes trying to harm the Buffaloes coaching staff. Why try bath salts and go crazy when there’s legal weed? Isn’t that the only reason people travel to Colorado now?

Last year, the Colorado quarterback was injured during the 1st half and it saved our team and their sloppy performance from being embarrassed in Boulder. Deja vu as the Buffs have another quarterback injury issue.

Fortunately for them, both quarterbacks have had a lot of playing time this season so whoever is suiting up on Saturday will create problems for the Trojans.

The Colorado offense is dynamic and powerful. They are averaging over 300 yards passing and 200 running yards per game. They have scored over 40 points in four of their five games. And they beat Michigan 21–7 (in the first quarter.)

What they have in offense, they also have in defense. They’re ranked 13th in the country.

With ten returning starters, they’ve held three of their five opponents to seven points or less.

This team is impressive but don’t let the 4–1 fool you. They have had a Charmin soft schedule. They’ve beaten Colorado State and Idaho State in their first two games and their conference wins are against Oregon State and the worst Oregon team in a decade.

This might be the most important game of the year for the Trojans. A loss ends our hopes of a division title and proves last weeks win was a fluke.

The key to the game will be special teams. Michigan was able to pull away from Colorado with excellent punt and kickoff returns that gave the Wolverines great field position. Adoree’ has the same level of talent as Jabrill Peppers. The concern is will there be 10 other Trojans on the field when he receives the ball.

At the end of the day, we have Sam Darnold and they don’t.

USC 38 — Colorado 31

In honor of Vin Scully’s retirement, we have discovered some never before heard footage of Vin calling his last USC-Colorado game.

You can follow me on twitter at Sports By Scondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Jef, James, and Tommy

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Rivals, Scout,Barstool Sports, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places