Hi. I’m TV’s David Vitter. I’ve been proudly serving the great state of Louisiana in the U.S. Congress since 1999, and now I want to be your next governor.

Sadly, though, there are some rather nasty rumors about me and my past stubbornly floating around out there. Rumors that would make even the most forgiving and open-minded person think I’m a horrible excuse for a human being.

So as election day quickly approaches, I feel compelled to dispel these persistent, pernicious tales right here, in this forum.

Now, I’m sure most of you have heard or seen things insinuating that I have worn diapers while in the company of prostitutes. Let me assure you, while I did admittedly commit a “serious sin” in regard to a prostitution ring in Washington, D.C., I do not have a fetish involving diapers and sex.

Similarly, I do not have a bizarre fetish involving masturbating onto an umbrella. Just because an alleged prostitute reportedly said in a sworn statement as part of a legal deposition that I like hearing the sound of my ejaculate hitting the taut fabric of an open umbrella does not mean I actually do that sort of thing. Besides, everyone knows opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck, and I need all the luck I can get in order to win this gubernatorial race.

Just because an alleged prostitute reportedly said in a sworn statement as part of a legal deposition that I like hearing the sound of my ejaculate hitting the taut fabric of an open umbrella does not mean I actually do that sort of thing.

You may have also heard that I fathered a child with an escort/madam who goes by the name Paris Snowe, or something like that. According to this canard, I have a biological teenage daughter who lives with her mother’s parents in Lafourche Parish.

Let me assure you that there is no solid proof that I fathered such a child, nor that I gave her mother — who allegedly ran a brothel in Slidell, as well as others in Panama City and Tampa, FL — a legislative scholarship to attend Tulane University. I never would have given a 1993 graduate of East Ascension High School a legislative scholarship. My record shows quite clearly that, as a member of the state House of Representatives, I consistently opposed such scholarships.

As for the scuttlebutt that I fathered yet another child with a different prostitute, who allegedly placed the child for adoption in Metairie, where he was subsequently adopted by a prominent South Louisiana Republican who may or may not be running for statewide elected office, let me assure you there is no truth to this scandalous account. Everyone knows Metairie is a prostitute-free city.

Then there are the rumors about my longtime aide Brent Furer. You may remember him as the staffer in my D.C. office who had outstanding DWI warrants in Baton Rouge and who resigned in 2010, two years after pleading guilty to charges stemming from a knife attack wherein he stabbed his girlfriend.

Anyway, there are some people who say that I helped make Furer “disappear,” that I relocated him to Mexico and made him change his last name to his mother’s maiden name, Kulko.

I can assure you that I did not, in fact, force Brent into the “Vitter Protection Program.”

These same people say I did this because Furer was my “body man,” my personal assistant who woke me in the morning, drove me around town, and spent many of his waking hours with me. These people claim I turned Furer into a modern-day Jimmy Hoffa because he knew my “secrets.”

Well, I can assure you that I did not, in fact, force Brent into the “Vitter Protection Program.” After all, I have no “secrets” to worry about.

Nor did I try to camouflage Furer’s true location by creating the illusion that he was employed by an oil and gas company that only exists in cyberspace and apparently has no real, physical address.

And for the love of God, Furer did not recently make his presence known in the northeast portion of the United States by posting on the Facebook page of the same ex-girlfriend that he stabbed, threatened to kill, and held against her will for an hour and a half in 2008. I would never hire someone that stupid.

So, I beg of you: Please don’t believe these rumors. No matter how many times you hear them from various sources in excruciating detail, they are wholly without merit.

Thank you, and I appreciate your continued support.