But the messages urging people to reach out to help loved ones and strangers carry an unspoken and unintended flip side: That if a person succeeds in ending his life, the people around him might not have been paying enough attention, or trying hard enough.

I worry about the effect these messages have on those who have lost someone to suicide, deepening their grief with an extra layer of guilt.

“Rather than thinking, ‘I wish I could’ve fixed this,’ if we can use these moments as a wake up call to think, ‘I want to be more present and aware and connected and empathetic in general,’ — that would be so much more productive,” said Dr. Gregory Dillon, assistant professor of medicine and psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. “And perhaps if all of us did that — and if communication, understanding and empathy were generally better — maybe fewer of these situations would come to a head.”

The news of the deaths of both Ms. Spade and Mr. Bourdain came in the same week that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported a 25 percent increase in suicide rates from 1999 to 2016, a year in which nearly 45,000 Americans ended their own lives. That suggests a lot of Americans may be devastated by the thought that they didn’t do enough.

But I could no more have saved my dad from the tons of metal that hurtled toward him when he was hit by those cars than I could save him from the pills he swallowed, the razor he wielded or the carbon monoxide he inhaled.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t be present, be loving, be involved. That’s not to say we shouldn’t share advice, resources, empathy. We should try. With all our might.

“It’s cruel to blame ourselves and others for something that was ultimately out of our hands,” said Lakeasha Sullivan, a psychologist in New York. “But we can carry some of this burden collectively. We can start by engaging in real conversations — national conversations — about the quiet voice in all of us that sometimes questions the meaning of life and allows hopelessness and despair to set in.”