Jamie Kilstein reminisces about when he went on TV and said “rape is bad” and then the internet exploded. Thanks, Jamie, for demonstrating how to be an outspoken male feminist–and for proving once again that there are, in fact, funny rape jokes.

Anyone have time to write up a transcript in the comments? Much appreciated! Update: Transcription after the jump thanks to commenter Sarah Beller!

Transcription:

So this happened recently, and I really want to talk about it. I’ve gotten a lot of, uh, threats in my days as a comedian, a lot over many different things. Recently I got a barrage so bad…like it was the craziest thing that ever happened, to me, and what’s crazier is why it happened. So like, I’ve gone and TV and been like “There’s no god” and I’ve had like 2 or 3 angry Twitter people be like “Yes there is”. I talked about drones and pissed of a few, well like a lot, of Conan people, but like no one really said anything to me. Glenn Beck called my wife and I out, and that was it, we thought it was gonna be like war, cuz it was like at the height of his popularity, like now he’s kinda disappeared, like I don’t know where he is, I think he has a website, he’s become like the white Osama Bin Laden, like Glenn Beck is just gone. He’s just totally disappeared, nobody knows where he is. But this was like when he was really popular, he had a show on Fox. He called us out on Fox, and called us out on his radio show and made fun of us more there and I was like “Alrighty, ready for fucking internet war!” and I’m like “Let’s do it!” and really we just had 15 sad old people tweeted us, like you could tell they were old cuz they didn’t know how to use Twitter so like…and it was always the same thing like “Go back to Russia! How do I hang this up? MARTHA!” Like it was super…and it was just like the picture of the Twitter egg like, uh you don’t know how to make a picture. OR my favorite was one guys avatar was a bald eagle wrapped in an American flag. Just in case the eagle got lost. I remember I was in like a real dickish mood and just retweeted it. It’s not even funny I just retweeted it and was like “I like your eagle, are you from U.S.A.?” and he wrote me back the most amazing comment. He wrote me back, he goes: “I think we both know that’s a loaded question.” Yep, we do, it is, good on ya. So then, I went on a news channel and I was like “Rape’s bad!” and the internet exploded. Every guy with a fucking Tap Out shirt just started tweeting at me, like threats, like literally every time I was going to Twitter there’d be a thousand new tweets screaming and threatening me and blah blah blah. Show was canceled and it was like the craziest shit ever cuz rape culture doesn’t really get talked about a lot, right? So the threats came in like three basic varieties. They would call me some kind of homophobic slur or they would be like “I hope you get raped”, “I’m raping someone you know”, “I’m gonna rape a steak”. My favorite were, there were like some homophobes that combined their homophobia and rape so they’d be like “I’m gonna rape you, queer!” And I mean that’s kind of progressive, sorta liberal of the guy like “Oh I hate gay people so much but I hate you more I’m gonna get over my fucking fear of gay people when I rape the shit out of you.” I was like “I’ll take one for the team on that.” I dunno, and then the other one…this one really surprised me, at least 100 people said it, that “You’re just trying to get feminist pussy” where I was like “That’s what you do!” I didn’t know that’s how you get sweet, sweet feminist pussy. I didn’t know I just had to go up in a bar and find some girl in like an Ani DiFranco shirt, creepily saunter over, and be like “Don’t worry, I won’t rape you.” Cuz that’s what a rapist says. And then the third, and my favorites were just the tweets that said “Rape.” [shrugs] Which means they wrote “Rape” and then thought “I think we’re done here.” So the thing with rape culture is that..I can’t explain…and I am well aware that this is a straight white dude on stage being like “Rape culture effects me (on my Twitter)” I get it and I wish it wasn’t that way. We ALL know it’s happening, I’m not thrilled about it…there’s nothing I can do. [Hand on hip] “My tweets are SO sad…[raises fist]rape!” The thing with rape culture is guys will never know what it’s like ever, ever, ever. We’ll never know what it’s like to not know if we can jog alone at night. We’ll never know what it’s like to be on some subway platform and have some dude like heckling the shit out of us and if he’s gonna get like more aggressive. We just don’t know, flat out. So like it should just be easy enough to show empathy. And I sort of think harassment culture sort of fits in to rape culture cuz again guys are like “That can’t be that bad!” And like…HERE’S how bad harassment culture is, and this literally happened to me as I was writing this bit and I was like this isbad, but it’s perfect. My wife and I are walking in Brooklyn and we go to cross the street. And as we go to cross the street, a garbage truck runs a red light, right? So as he runs a red light we’re in the middle of the street, he almost hits us, I push my wife back. (I was so strong! I was like “I defy rape culture!”) So I push her back the dude breezes by and we were like “phew”, like we feel the truck go by. And we keep walking, shaken, but we keep walking. And I start to hear the guy yelling something at us, and I’m like “Oh, he’s going to apologize…for almost murdering my wife! I’ll hear him out.” And I go “What? We can’t hear you!” And he goes, he goes to me “Don’t worry man! I wouldn’t kill her! IIIIIIIIII love her!” And I’m like “He trying to fuck my wife right now?? Did…did you almost run over my wife and now you want try to fuck…”This is how bad it is. This guy is driving a car with his boss’s phone number on like every side of the car, he illegally runs a red light, almost runs over wife and he’s like “I’m gonna give this a whirl!” and thinks it’s like that acceptable to make a fucking move and I remember being so mad that I’m gonna fucking do something because…look, every hacky comedian gets on stage and they’re always like “All guys think about is sex” {indecipherable…something about a high five and killing themselves…} Yeah we think about sex, but women think about sex too! We all think about sex! More realistically, every guy in here, a least once a day, will be in a restaurant or a bank or on the subway, and at least once kinda visualize what would happen if like robbers came into that establishment and how we would defeat them with ninja skills we don’t have. That always happens! And I’m like “This is my moment!” and I’m probably wearing a Jiu Jitsu shirt (I didn’t buy this for nothin’!) I’m ready to go and I’m like “This guy just almost fucking killed my wife and now he’s trying to fuck my wife” and I was just so mad though and so like appalled that something like that could even happen that I couldn’t even say anything tough. Like I was so mad that my “inner dad” came out and literally my tough guy moment, I turn to him and raise my fist and I said [shaking fist in air] “Yoooouuuu’re pushing your luck, buddy!” That…that’s not tough at all!…I need to throw out my Jiu Jitsu shirts…

So I wrote a piece about rape culture. Can I tell you one more thing that I’m kinda nervous about is that I ended up, somehow, being so involved in the rape culture debate that now I’m nervous that like if a family member Googles me, like [mimes typing] “Jamie Kilstein”, Google will be like “Did you mean ‘Jamie Kilstein rape’?” At least one relative will be like “Everyone’s gotta have a shtick!” So I wrote a piece about…[holds up papers] these are lots of pieces, it’s not a 25-page…lock the door. So I wrote a piece about the real victims of rape culture–men.

Men always say women have it so easy because they can get laid whenever they want. Why, a woman can just walk down the street, point to a dick and, before she can count her lucky stars, that dick will be inside of her. I wish I had women chasing me at every turn! I could just walk down the street by myself at 3 in the morning and be like “Which one of these ladies is gonna take me to street-fuck land?” Sometimes they wanna fuck me so bad, they are literally chasing me in a frantic, horny, serial-killer-like state! Sometimes, with a weapon, probably to show me he {sic?} has other talents than chasing! Some girls may say this is assault, but the onus is on the girl, for being out at a place and wearing things! The world is your orgy! Because BONUS it’s not just strange criminals that want to fuck you, ALL your friends want to fuck you too! What!? Do you live in a world constructed by angels!? What a turn on to know that every time you were confiding in him, he was thinking “I wonder what she would look like bent over with me slamming into her like I’m trying to knock down a door to a burning building with my cock.” And online dating must be the best for women. If you’re horny for some reason, cuz you read a book or had a muffin or some girly shit, you can just go online and click your way down orgasm lane! Oh it may not be safe–just look at his picture and if he doesn’t have a mustache, you’re probably okay! You’re just worried cuz the last guy you met said he was 22 and turned out to look like a spry Noam Chomsky. Even old people want to fuck you! It’s like Jesus and Santa teamed up to make your life the best! Do you know what men have to do to get laid? We can’t all just wait in a dark alley for a lucky suitor to sweep us off our feet. We have to buy a girl a drink, talk to her, be a semi-decent person, have a place to live, not come off as threatening…Jesus christ, girls! What else do you want? That we have a second vacation home in space? Get over yourself! Men don’t know how attractive we are! Women are so lucky they get to be told how pretty they are every day. On the subway, on the sidewalk, leaving work, going to work, at work, with a baby, in a wheelchair, trying to jog, trying to talk to friends, in a wheelchair with a baby, trying not to get hit by a fucking garbage truck, trying to avoid eye contact, picking up from a fast walk to a slow jog. Women are so lucky that no matter where they are, some guy will remind them “Hey lady! I’d totally put my penis in you!” What self-confidence you must have! And what a gentleman he must be! I wish a group of sorority girls would yell out about my dick no matter where I go. If I was alone I’d be like “Man, I bet all those girls would fuck me at the same time! I know so because they’re yelling it out in an aggressive fashion.” It’s like heaven had a wet dream and IIIII’m walking through it! This is not a liberal versus conservative issue! You are not a feminist just because you are pro-abortion! Every guy is pro-abortion, cuz every guy doesn’t wanna wear a condom! If we fight sexism when it happens because of a god or a politician, we should also do it when it happens because of a horny loser who should be at home on Reddit and crying. So men, fix your relationships with your mother, jerk off before leaving the house, and remember that porn is fiction. The pizza delivery dude isn’t a hot chick, it’s a bearded stoner who is terrified you’ll answer the door in that stupid robe, and if a girl proposes a threesome it’s cuz she wants someone who knows how to go down on her properly and you just happen to get in the way!