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Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It’s a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want.

Some people treat breastfeeding like it’s a sexual thing, but breastfeeding my snakes isn’t sexual at all. Human breasts are not sex organs. They were put on our bodies to feed our young snakes. It’s only our modern patriarchal lens that forces some to see a woman breastfeeding a bunch of snakes and think, “That must be a sex thing!” It’s not, and how dare you sexualize my babies.

When someone says, “I have a problem with you breastfeeding your snakes in this CVS,” what they’re really saying is, “I hate women.” I’m sure in more enlightened European countries they don’t bat an eye at a woman breastfeeding her snakes, but America has a long way to go. Did you know that despite men going shirtless every chance they get, it’s illegal for women to be topless feeding snakes in all 50 states?

That’s because our laws are made by old white men who never had the pleasure of nourishing baby snakes on their precious milk. Even in places where you’d expect a mother to be free to feed her kids, like a McDonald’s play place or Disneyland, I am met with disdain and told, “nobody wants to see that.” Excuse me?? Just because you have issues with your mother does not give you the right to project them onto me and my beautiful breasts and snakes. This is a natural process.

And it’s not like I’m even breastfeeding my snakes for all that long. They can go three snakes to a nipple. That’s six snakes at a time! That’s only five shifts to feed my entire brood of snakes! Sure, snakes are cold blooded and have difficulty digesting human milk, but breastfeeding is a bonding experience I could never give up.

So if some high and mighty DCFS officer shows up at my door one more time to say “Actually, I have no idea which department should handle this, I’m going to call animal control?” I am going to sic my snakes on them. Slither, my pretties! Slither!!

Images: Pixabay

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