You may have heard of the ReviewerCard, but unfortunately it costs $100 to join. That’s why I’m introducing the DoucheCard, a first-of-its-kind FREE membership card for aspiring amuse douches and douchebaguettes.

Just print out this page, clip-and-save the card, and use it at your favorite eateries.

Here’s how it works:

1. Display DoucheCard at restaurant.

2. Receive looks of disgust from your waiter.

3. Enjoy complimentary pee in your food courtesy of the chef.

4. Destroy any shred of rapport with restaurant.

5. Return home in shame.