Photo: Maya Robinson

A new Weezer album came out last week, and if you’re anything like me, this was an occasion to listen to about half of it before turning it off to revisit Pinkerton instead. That experience got me thinking: Is Pinkerton the original Drake album? Is Pinkerton the best Drake album? What if Drake’s next album is just a song-by-song reimagining of Pinkerton? Hear me out.

“Tired of Sex”

This is already a Drake song. Except that Drake is a gentleman, so I think he would give us slightly more information about the women of the song, such as “Monday night I’m making Jen from Bank of America, Tuesday night I’m making Lynne from that place on 9th Street with the good ribs, Wednesday night I’m making Catherine who had a small but memorable role on CSI: Las Vegas.” Are any of the girls’ names in “Tired of Sex” the same as the girls’ names in “Mambo No. 5”? No? Huh. What are the odds.

“Getchoo”

Drake could turn getchoo into a really sexy word, because there are a lot of vowels. This will be a good Drake song.

“No Other One”

Drake would be a little freaked out by a woman who owns snakes (two of them!), but I still think he’d be down. He would turn this song into a direct address and change all the pronouns to “you,” to convince Ms. Two Snakes that she is his one and only. The beat will be punctuated by her agitated sighs of disbelief. You crazy for this one, 40!

“Why Bother”

This, too, is already a Drake song, but only if you take out the word whacking. Drake is a master of subtlety, which means that in his lonely songs, masturbation is always implied, never referenced outright. What, have you never seen a poem before? Brah, do you even read?

“Across the Sea”

You are 18-year-old girl

Who works at Hooters on Peachtree

You saw me on Degrassi

About nine years ago and you wanted to know

All about me

And my hobbies

If I’m high right now or get nervous

“The Good Life”

Because of a clause in Drake’s contract mandating that he cannot publicly utter the phrase “shakin’ booty,” this spot will be filled by the actual Drake song “Club Paradise.”

“El Scorcho”

Drake is totally the kind of guy who’d read your diary while you’re at cello practice. And then he’d put it back in a slightly different part of the drawer to let you know that he did, too.

“Pink Triangle”

This would be the saddest Drake song. Except that it will have a happy ending, because Drake was born with the superpower of being able to turn girls. (It’s a Canadian thing.)

“Falling for You”

Can you imagine Drake calling himself an old goat, or sucking at cello? Yeah, me neither. Just play “Club Paradise” again.

“Butterfly”

This is a muffled, a cappella demo recorded as a late-night phone call to Lynne from the ribs place on 9th Street. It ends rather abruptly, during that little pause in which you’re supposed to chuckle at the cleverness of the line, “If I’m a dog, then you’re a bitch.” Lynne can be heard sighing audibly right before she hangs up.