I don't like Christmas.

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I'm sorry. But I don't.

Actually, that's the thing. I'm not sorry.

I've not liked Christmas for years. I have my reasons. No big deal, really. Nothing to do with some horrible childhood trauma or any other kind of abnormal social conditioning. I just don't like it. And, no, I have no desire to get over it. In fact, I've got nothing to "get over."

In fact, it's you who should get over it. You who look at me, when I state my opinion of the holidays, with your furrowed brows and your slightly misty, slightly pitying eyes. You who push your carols and movies, your cards and schmaltz.

Pushers, all of you. You might mean well but there's no getting around you people.

Before you throw a "Scrooge" at my "bah humbug," let me try to explain.

Take my hand and come with me to a world that looks something like our own but with more horses and hay and festive over-alls.

I promise to bring you back in time for Christmas Day unchanged... or will I...

Merry Country Music Day!

Imagine a world where once a year there's a "Country Music Day." And it's huge. For six weeks ahead of time, everywhere you go -- from schools to airports to from stores to libraries -- you see Country Music! displays and Country Music! sales. Country Music! plays in every store, and every radio station plays at least some Country Music! In fact, some radio stations play NOTHING BUT Country Music!

Think about that for a second: Dwight Yokam on heavy rotation. Garth Brooks, Shania Twain. Over. And Over. And Over... Not just their popular stuff but the B-sides and rarities. Not just alt-country, not just old country. But new country, too! So much airtime to fill and, well, who doesn't like Country Music?!

You can't get away from it.

People ask, "Are you getting excited about Country Music Day?" or, "What are your plans for Country Music Day?" or, "Are you visiting your family for Country Music Day?"

Should you indicate you don't like Country Music or you don't celebrate Country Music Day, people are shocked or uncomfortable. You might hear a whispered murmur, something like:

"Ben, well, Ben, he doesn't like Country Music Day. Won't say why... Doesn't like to talk about it..."

Some people pity you and sneak you little country music CDs or cookies shaped like Country Music instruments to help cheer you up and overcome your issues (as though providing samples of the music you don't prefer is going to make it change). If you gently decline, some are downright offended.

"Well, that's not very Country of you," they might say sternly with a look of concern that says, "T'ain't right, son. Just t'ain't right."

Then there is the good-intention set.

These folks try to accommodate you by changing the name of Country Music Day events to "Western Music Day" events, or even just "Music Day," where everybody listens to, well, Country Music, decorates everything with Country Music images, puts on a cowboy hat and dresses in their best Country Music clothes and sings Country Music Carols.

I guess it's the thought that counts. That's what they say about a gift gone wrong, right?

A cowboy carol

Still others chide you about being "A Real Cowboy Cletus" on Country Music Day, because "he used to be against Country Music, don't you know, but his horse grew two sizes that day." And everyone watches that classic old cartoon about how Cletus tried to steal Country Music Day from the folks of Western Town before realizing the error of his ways.

Dare to defend yourself by pointing out that their argument hangs on a make-believe Country Music Day character and, well, that just makes you all the more a Cowboy Cletus.

"You're an ornery one, Cowboy Cletus..."

Best to just chuckle, make a gun-gesture with your hands and say with a wink and a smile, "Got me! Pow-pow!"

And whatever you do, don't admit to enjoying a particular country music song, or the way Country Music musicians wear their tight jeans, because then you've admitted to the world that Country Music is totally wonderful and you are just being a Cowboy Cletus when you decide not to love all of it.

Country Music Day alone? Gasp!

And don't you dare spend Country Music Day alone on the range because, well (spits into spittoon), that's just a sign you are a right damaged soul in desperate need of compassion, healing, and an invitation to strap on the feedbag.

"Please come and share dinner at my place with 12 people you don't know. There'll be lots of good-old country cookin'!"

At dinner you might try to articulate to others why you feel the way you do about Country Music Day, but why spoil their fun? So instead you listen to people as they complain about expensive Country Music Day travelling, crowded Country Music Day shopping, obligatory Country Music Day parties, excessive Country Music Day cooking, awkward Country Music Day family gatherings, and wasteful Country Music Day gifting.

You dare to suggest to a few that they have the choice not to celebrate everything about Country Music Day, but it's met with a stunned, quizzical stare, like you said the sky isn't blue, or that children shouldn't receive education.

And then there's the obligatory Company Country Music Day party. But who knows? Maybe, since there's no getting away from the company holiday planners' lasso, you might catch the eye of somebody else who doesn't like Country Music Day. He might be wearing a festive sheriff's badge and choking down an obligatory Country-Chicken-Egg-Nog or standing under the chicken feet. You'll know him by that combination of hopelessness and capitulation in his eyes, and you both nod and smile knowingly. A fellow non-traveller amongst the leather vests and plaid shirts.

Merry Country Music Day

Here's the thing.

Lots of people like country music. Me, I'm not a big fan. And it's not a big deal; just a choice I've made for a variety of personal reasons. The fact that I don't like country music doesn't mean I'm against country music and think nobody should enjoy it... all I ask is that I not be judged as a damaged, pitiful soul because I don't like it.

And so it is with me and Christmas.

So, please, enjoy your Christmas. I’m really very happy you are happy. And I hope you have the same wish of happiness for me.