Broadway Ballads For Couples In Quarantine

Tonight, tonight, will be just like last night …

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

Tonight (WEST SIDE STORY)

Tonight, tonight

Will be just like last night

We’ll cook some soup and panic-watch the news

Tonight, tonight

We’ll probably start to fight

And you’ll say “We need to get more booze”

Today, you’ve asked me 17 times

What kind of wine I ordered.

I TOLD YOU I GOT WHITE!

Oh Instacart, come soon

So I can pour myself a HUGE glass

Tonight!

I’m Gonna Wash This Shit Right Off Of My Hands (SOUTH PACIFIC)

I’m gonna wash this shit right off of my hands

I’m gonna wash this shit right off of my hands

I’m gonna wash this shit right off of my hands

Then moisturize all day!

Get the picture?

Getting to Know You, Now That You’re Here 24/7 (THE KING & I)

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you

As a for instance, I didn’t know you chew ice

Haven’t you noticed

Suddenly I’m primed to fight you

Because of all the interesting and new

Sounds that you make when you chew

All that ice.

Quarantine (CABARET)

What good is sitting alone in your room?

But that’s where you’ve got to stay!

Life is a quarantine, old chum

Until COVID goes away

So pick up your knitting, ten books, and a broom

And craft through this “holiday”

Life is a quarantine, old chum!

Only a quarantine, old chum!

So go make your tenth snack of the day!

Not While You’re Around (SWEENEY TODD)

I’m achieving nothing, not while you’re around

Not a single project, no, sir, not while you’re around

You’ve been on our couch “doing work” for 12 days

You’re clearing your throat like a jerk, and I’m crazed

I don’t want to hurt you, but let me be clear

If you don’t stop clearing your throat, I’ll kill you right here

Someday I’ll go back to my office, and feel sane, but for now

I won’t get a thing done, not while you’re around

Big Spender on Toilet Paper (SWEET CHARITY)

The minute that you logged into eBay

I could see you were a man of desperation, a real big spender

Done poopin’, now you find,

You need more toilet paper to clean up your behind

So let me get right to the point

I got what you need — but this three-ply ain’t free

Hey, Big Spender! Spend $129.99 on me

Prime’s not shipping ’til May (May, May)

Sure you could go to Target (Target, Target)

But their shelves are all … empty!

May! Target! Empty!

May! Target! Empty!

May! Target! Empty!

Hey, Big Spender! … Spend $149.99 on me.

If Ever I Would Leave Home (CAMELOT)

If ever I would leave home, it wouldn’t be in springtime

Knowing how this spring outside we must not go

To flatten this curve, we must stay in our place

So springtime is right out — though I’m sick of your face.

If I Were A Rich Man (FIDDLER ON THE ROOF)

If I were a rich man,

I could prob’ly go get tested for this COVID thing right now…

Totally Fucked (SPRING AWAKENING)

(That’s it. That’s the song.)

Take Me or Leave Me (RENT)

Take me for what I am

Who I was meant to be

And if you give a damn

Take me, baby, or — Yeah? Where you gonna go? Where the hell are you gonna go? That’s right. Get back here and finish fighting with me about which one of us breathes louder!

One Day More (LES MISERABLES)

One day more

And then another, and another day

And one more day and then another day

Another friggin’ day my friend

It seems this thing will never end

For days and days, we’ll both stay in

Til April fades and May begins!

One more day

Holy Hell

One! Day! More!