Matty D’s back from the dead much like our lord and Savior Baby Jesus™ after his grueling battle against the Three Generals of Hell circa 1937. I’m here to stuff your stockings full of jolly tips and merry tricks for making the best out of this most blessed holiday season.

It’s been awhile, but the sheep need a shepherd, and this shepherd is woke in the ways of merry-making, hot cocoa steeping, sugar plumbery and grotesque sexual acts. Now, without further ado, let us begin our journey to the manger with the twelve tips of Christmas. That’s right twelve. Can you even count that high you dullard?

1. A Christmas tree is an essential holiday tradition. Trimming the tree and decorating it with ornaments of varying shapes, sizes, colors, and Winnie the Pooh set pieces light up our hearts and bellies. Truly a wondrous feature of the holiday home. Now forget all about that, instead, to save time and money, gather up some pine needles from your neighbor’s yard and scatter them about your favorite corner of the house, bust some glass bottles in that pile of dead plant cells for color. I like a good mix of Rolling Rock and Budweiser (40oz) for that special Christmas feel. Don’t forget the lights! Simply burn a candle in the middle of the dry pines and wait a bit, soon you’ll have the best lights in the cul-de-sac. Now that’s a tree our lord and savior Baby Jesus™ and the fire department can get behind! And as for a star on top, well that’s you baby, you’re the star of this masterpiece.

2. Still standing under that mistletoe waiting for a kiss from your dream girl or aunt that gets a little too handsy after a few nogs? Whatever you’re into, but the D man knows the secret to a kiss 100% of sometimes. Instead of waiting like a nerd under some dumb plant, grind up some fresh mistletoe with a bit of nutmeg. Roll it up and smoke up Johnny, the holiday cells in your body will awaken with sexual fervor. The aroma on your breath will intoxicate all nearby females and local flora. So remember, smoke up then pucker up, because you’ve got the magic in you, every time you touch that track it turns into gold and every time you hit that flow the girls come snappin at you.

3. Not in to family? No problem, here’s The Bachelor’s Guide to a solo Christmas.

-ABC family is probably showing Elf 24/7 for the next few months. There’s your entertainment.

-Stock up on those Little Debbie Christmas cakes; you know the ones that look like trees. Chow down on those puppies for maximum Christmas nutrition.

-Your drink of choice will not be eggnog, shit is nasty and you know it stop fooling yourself Logan. Peppermint schnapps and chocolate milk is your go to, cold, just like dad used to make us drink.

-Finally, you’re gonna have to get yourself a gift, because lord knows Santa ain’t comin, and your family is just as non existent as the man in red. Proceed to get absolutely smashed off “Daddy’s Cocoa” until you find yourself on Amazon, then just go to town and tell the credit card companies, and I quote, “C’mon baby, it’s christmas”. They should understand and take care of your debt just as Ebeneezer Scrooge McDuck took care of Small Tom and the Crumpett family in that one movie with Jim Carry. It was animated, I think it was based on some parable in the Bible. Anyways now you got yourself the Christmas you’ve always wanted. Buck up, someone out there loves you, but it’s not your dad, you pathetic excuse for an offspring.

4. Ah, the snow, so many fun and fanciful times to be had in this powdery wonderland of malformed rain drops. Snowmen and snow angels are fun yeah and skiing and snowboarding, well, that’s just for poser, Shaun White wannabe fuccbois. You know who you are. Anyways, the real treasure lies in the different kinds of Mountain Dew slushies you can make with all that white gold. A various chorus of flavors and colors are at your disposal. Mix and match your favorites or just go with the classic green flavor, you can’t go wrong with MTN Dew. Just grab a scoop of snow in your sweaty palms, poor on the Dew and unlock a world of new and wild possibilities. It’s a wonderful life indeed folks, count your every blessing, and of course kick start your day with a handful of Mountain Dew Kick Start and palm snow, baby now you got a stew goin.

5. Here’s one for you non-Christmas celebrating people. Celebrate Christmas you damn heathens, have you not heard that Christ our savior Baby Jesus™ has awakened from his mighty slumber and bellows a grand bellow for all to join the festivities? It is up to you to heed his call and open presents from Santa, delivered fresh from the Polar Express with love and Tom Hanks blessing.

Side note- that movie has and always will be a mockery and a travesty, besmirching the good name of the children’s classic novella.

6. Just kidding, you can celebrate whatever you want. Just don’t come crying to me when your flesh is searing away in the fiery pits of Hell.

7. The only acceptable Christmas party playlist is a 10-hour loop of Mariah Carey’s holiday classic “All I want for Christmas is you.”

8. Top Three Christmas movies not counting Elf or Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

1. Gremlins

2. Home Alone

3. Shrek 2

9. Don’t know what to give someone for your secret Santa? Just give them some cans of Spagettios. That’s it. That’s all.

10. Is putting up decorations on your trees and shrubbery too much of a hassle for you, don’t worry this young boy has got you covered. Just call a plumber for a free estimate, while he is there ask him to put up your lights outside for 20 bucks, he will do it because he needs money. Now here’s the genius part. After he’s all done lock him out of your house, if he calls just tell him you had to go do Christmas things and that you’ll send him a check for the 20 big ones. He will be like “okay”. Then don’t send him the money. Simple as that. Two stones, one bird, you know what I’m sayin? No? Tip your plumbers people.

11. Santa Clause: let’s put this one to rest for good. He’s real. He lives in the hearts of children who believe, until their dirty rat neighbor kid who’s a couple years older than you comes and crushes your dreams and tells you it’s just your parents putting those gifts under the tree. Thanks Steve you dirty rat piece of shit for ruining the magic of Christmas for me.

12. Above all else, remember that deep down, Christmas is about the resurrection of Baby Jesus ™ through a sacred ritual of gift giving and flesh rending that always ends in both pure ecstasy and buckets of blood. Prepare yourself for the sacrifice of the youngest of your tribe, the smoke from the offering will signal to both Baby Jesus™ and Santa that you have been a good boy this year and the video game console of your choice will be yours. How cool is that?

Matty D’s Bonus tip of the Season: New Year’s resolutions are for cowards and draft dodgers. Just keep doing you, no matter how much of a garbage person you are. Stay woke, stay lit, and stay out of my room or I’m telling mom.

Stay cool, but stay warm, and above all else- keep it secret, keep it safe. Sauron has eyes everywhere and also he has a big ass eye at his house and that thing is fucking wild.

Happy Holidays to you, yours, and your mothers.

-Matt