Dear NFL,

I heard you’re accepting applications for next year’s NFL Draft host city. “Football is Family” is a motto that has inspired me to write this letter in support of my application. I am not writing on behalf of my city; I am writing on behalf of myself, Dani Bostick. I plan to put on a family-oriented, small-town draft day that everyone will enjoy. If my name sounds familiar, it’s probably because you’ve read my application to host the Super Bowl. Please let me know about that soon; I might still be able to get a refund on the goalposts if I need to.

Here is my vision for the 2017 draft, to be hosted in locations all over Winchester, VA. I couldn’t find the official application on your website, so I took the liberty of making up up my own questions.

Where will the actual draft take place?

The draft will be held in the gym of James Wood Middle School. Teams can use classrooms to negotiate deals and finalize their plans. All classrooms are equipped with whiteboards and dry-erase markers. I’m sure teachers won’t mind if the teams use a few star-shaped “Wow!” stickers to put on the paperwork of exceptionally talented draft picks. The building is equipped with Wi-Fi, and I will try to get the password ahead of time so teams have access to Internet, and won’t have to use their data plans. Of course, there is a cafeteria in the building, so perhaps I could arrange for Lunch Lady Cindy to cater the event. Everyone loves tater tots and Salisbury “steak.”

I know contingency plans are important, so if there is a problem at the middle school, like volleyball practice, we could have the draft at the high school, or the Flowering Hillside Active Living Community’s recreation center. (I’ve already booked it from April 23 to May 7 of next year, just in case. The middle school wouldn’t let me reserve space this far out.)

What NFL Draft festivities will you organize?

The town of Winchester hosts the Apple Blossom Festival during the weekend of the NFL Draft. It features a carnival with rides, a fireman’s parade with Dalmatians, and a beauty pageant. These activities would definitely keep fans and players entertained for the duration of the weekend. I haven’t talked to the city yet, but I’m pretty sure that if the NFL made a donation, the event could be called the NFL Draft Apple Blossom Festival. I’ll need to check on that. As you can see, I’m a creative thinker with lots of good ideas.

There are also Civil War battlefields here, so I was thinking of planning a reenactment (maybe players versus scouts). We would not be using real weapons, so it would be a very safe experience. The uniforms are a bit itchy, but outside of that, I think everyone would have a good time.

My house isn’t very big, but I could host a potluck when everyone first comes to town.

What amenities can the players and their agents expect?

If players want to read books, they can do so in our town’s beautiful library. You have to be a resident to actually check them out, so I don’t want to promise anything beyond the opportunity to read them in the library. As a resident, I can check out up to 100 books, so that could be an option if players want to take reading material back to their hotels. Let me know what genres they’re into.

Even though we are a small town, we have a Costco. Players and their agents will be able to stock up on tortilla chips, mango salsa, oil drums of Greek yogurt dip, and life-size Vince Wilfork containers full of instant oatmeal. Costco is also a great place to stop for lunch. They offer an enormous hot dog and large soda for just $1.50. Since some players might not get drafted, it is probably smart if they stay on a budget that weekend. Free samples are another way to eat without spending a lot of money.

There is also a weight room in the high school, and a football field, if players want to work out and keep their skills sharp while they’re here. I’m sure the high school football coach, Dennis “Spark Plug” Cumberland, will be happy to give them pointers.

The town has a dog park, so if players want to bring their dogs, they will be able to let them off leash. I’m sure the dogs of Winchester will enjoy meeting the best friends of future NFL players.

As far as I know, there are no strip clubs in the immediate vicinity of the draft site. Please make sure the owners and executives know this, but there’s no need to tell the players.

What experience do you have organizing large events like the draft?

I have never organized an NFL Draft, but I have planned a lot of birthday parties and other events for my kids and dogs. I also planned my own wedding. As a teacher, I plan lessons every single day. I know I probably can’t plan the draft alone, but I have six children who can help me. My husband also used to plan things for the Army, so I’m pretty sure he can handle planning a draft.

What qualities do you possess that will make you a great NFL Draft host?

I am friendly, organized, and reliable. Most importantly, I am enthusiastic! Once you meet me, you will definitely see that I am the best person to host the Draft in 2017. I have much more to offer than Denver (I read somewhere that they applied). My draft site has much more oxygen, and no marijuana stores.

Please pick me.

Sincerely,

Dani Bostick

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Dani Bostick is a writer for various NFL and non-NFL publications. You can purchase tickets to the 2017 NFL Draft on her website, or on Twitter.

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