When your boss takes credit for your work, he pays you. When Obama takes credit for creating 500,000 jobs that already exist, he expects you to pay him. $100 million dollars. Minimum.

Last week, Obama announced, TechHire, a plan that takes $100 million from the H-1B visa program and gives it to select universities, community colleges and corporations in the form of grants to train and hire American tech workers.

Put your sarcastic hat on... In comparison to Obama, the late Apple co-founder Steve Jobs was an abject failure when it came to creating jobs because he went about it the wrong way. You see, Jobs developed jobs that did not already exist. Same with Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Thiel and Bill Gates. All four men are clueless with a capital C. In contrast, Obama is taking credit for creating jobs that include… wait for it… 500,000 tech jobs that are already in the pipeline. Brilliant.

How do you think Obama lowered the unemployment rate to 5.5%? Certainly not by doing things the old-fashioned, Steve Jobs way: creating jobs that did not exist before. According to Gallup CEO Jim Clifton, Obama lowered the unemployment rate by not counting “anyone who is unemployed and has subsequently given up on finding a job.” Again, brilliant.

If you are concerned that TechHire may only benefit Obama’s buddies and fail to motivate colleges to improve their lackluster curricula, I urge you to recall Obama’s massive success in taking millions of dollars out of the economy to gamble on creating green jobs. Success never smelled so sweet!

Ahhh, that fresh pine scent of Evergreen Solar going bankrupt after receiving $5.3 million in stimulus cash! The fragrant fumes of Warren Buffett’s trains speeding along the tracks as he stands to profit from Obama’s veto on Keystone XL. The arresting aroma of the 600,000 bird carcasses that are killed by windmill turbines every year.

Disclaimer: I’ve suffered from a chronic cold since January of 2009. My healthcare consultant, Jonathan Gruber, assures me that it’s normal for the smell of dead birds to not perturb my nose. Sometimes I get the sense that Gruber thinks I’m stupid. But, I digress.

TechHire recognizes that job creation takes a village. Republicans must concede that D.C. bureaucrats and math whizzes like Lois Lerner—who now carries an emergency abacus in her handbag when attending pressers—are far more adept at managing our finances and businesses than we are ourselves. In other words, if you are a tech entrepreneur with a job opening at your company, the feds will do a better job than you of spending your money to hire and train the right person.

Obama has spent your money at a faster pace than any prior president, which has compelled young women to work harder than ever to support themselves. Which must explain why he often golfs with Tiger Woods and Bobby Titcomb. (In case you missed the 2009 and 2011 tabloids, Woods and Titcomb are both turned on by girls who work hard for their money. Not that way. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

From time to time, I wonder if life would be more fun and less stressful if I too took up the hobby of spending other people’s money. A nanosecond later, reality bites. That “hobby” would get me thrown into jail. For, the press only conflates pilfering with “profiting” when it’s done by their pet politicians.

So, to make my life easier, I should become a politician and sleep with a desperate journalist who will write headlines that turn me into a superstar politician?

Suddenly, this is sounding way too much like House of Cards.

I need a reality check. Or, maybe this is reality?

Nope. No way. I refuse to buy into another Fox News/Tea Party/Koch Brothers conspiracy theory.

Back to TechHire, Obama’s new jobs plan. I’m telling you, it’s the meat and potatoes of this new revitalized economy, baby!