I used to feel so defensive about not wanting kids. That feeling subsided once I began writing about it. I used to look at the big mistakes of my past and cringe. Writing about those mistakes helped me look at the bigger picture and feel at ease.

Last night, my aunt called me and we talked for three hours about not having kids. She is in her 50s and she likes kids but didn’t want to birth and raise her own for a number of reasons. We have that in common. We began discussing our respective parents and I stated how I wouldn’t choose to be friends with my parents if I had met them as regular people. Then I thought, well maybe my mother and I could have coffee but only once every few months.

I said to my aunt how weird the whole cycle of life is. My parents-two people who were faithful to the religious lifestyle they had chosen. They had a loving marriage and then they had a daughter (me) who didn’t like them. My mother is no longer alive and I see my dad on occasion. It’s all pleasant but I would never ask the man for help.

I think about certain families I knew during my childhood who, despite their best efforts, had children that went off the rails and never recovered. Some of the nicest and most caring people I have ever known come from abusive, truly vile families.

I personally don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have scars from childhood. For the longest time, I assumed that parenthood was inevitable. It still amazes me that people don’t realize they have a choice.

I’m fortunate to have a lot of support in my corner. My brother, who is a parent, is becoming vocal in supporting others who are unsure about having kids. He now tells his female and male friends that they have a choice. They listen to him because he became a dad at 19 and raises his two boys full time, while working full time. He turns 33 this month.

I’m close with my brother and my two nephews. One time, I was driving the kids to meet up with their other aunt and two cousins and I said to them how nice it was they had cousins to play with. I told them I wasn’t going to be having any children. The older boy said “ That’s OK, we like the cousins we have but we don’t need any more.” His little brother agreed. The oldest boy is now 13 and has told me he doesn’t want children. He knows he has a choice, which is awesome, but I know as puberty sets in, let’s see how smart he is.

Children are not accessories. They are little people with their own agenda and no matter how much control you want over them, they will inevitably figure out their own truth. Offspring may or may not be there for you in your old age. To expect such things, in this culture anyway, can lead to disappointment. I’ve seen mothers cry over their loneliness because they devoted their entire lives to their kids who now have their own lives. Becoming a grandparent isn’t guaranteed either.

I’m continue to read and to speak with as many people who are willing, regarding the topic of parenthood. I’m learning about the different sides to being childless/childfree. By choice, by circumstance, the evolving feelings as individuals and couples navigate their lives.

I’m learning from parents who are willing to speak about the long term effects of raising children. These are usually older women and men who can look back at their choices and see why they did what they did. I’ve had this discussion with my own father. He is now remarried to a woman who never wanted to have kids and doesn’t regret her decision. She is a very nice woman.

Most of all, I learn from my own experience, now at 36, being in a position to follow through with the vision I have for my life.

There was one man I came across who was quite offended by my apparent lack of concern for humanity by denying the world of my progeny. “You’re just concerned about your own little world and nothing else.” Shortly after that, I met an elderly couple who never had kids. They had gotten pregnant once and miscarried. The man shared his view that it wasn’t meant to be. They were both teachers and had long careers that gave them fulfillment in helping to shape younger generations.

I was a music teacher for 10 years and I loved it. It wasn’t the actual teaching part that I loved the most, it was interacting with each child. Most kids would tell me what bothered them and also what they wished for their future. I was there to teach them music but most lessons felt like life coaching sessions. I learned so much.

I’ve kept in touch with a number of my former students over the years, and their families. They are now teachers and medical students and world travelers. Some are parents themselves.

How do I feel about my life as it is right now? Calm. Compared to the first 29 years of my life, my 30s have been heaven. I have four more years to thoroughly enjoy this decade. Not just outwardly but inwardly. I am by nature determined and independent so I’ve created a live that satisfies me.

I know there are endless ways to live a fulfilling life, not just the ones that are shown in commercials. I’ve been granted freedom, due to life circumstances and choices I have made. Something I do on the regular is mediate to check inwardly with myself to see how I feel. Just in case I’ve changed my mind about something.

I do plan for the future, I usually live 10 years down the road in my head. I visualize my later years and look to women in their 70s and 80’s. Some I know personally and some are famous. These women are active and creative and live a life that means something to them.

The biggest lesson I have learned so far is that how I feel about myself and my place in this world matters. To me, at least.

I could have eight children and then my feelings and needs and dreams would get zero attention. However, I would be exalted by society because I am seen a selfless mother. No wonder people cave to the pressure of having babies. For anyone is struggles with this decision, between desire and duty, and for those who cannot have children due to circumstances, this is unfair.

I had a discussion with my 13 year old nephew about how adults don’t really have answers, we’re all just trying to figure it out as we go. “ I already know that” he said. “ Good” I said. “ You’re already ahead in life.” He has told me he worries about his future so I talk to him about choice. He certainly doesn’t want to live like his parents do but it’s up to him to make those decisions as his life unfolds.

My own father was successful, my mother wanted to be a wife and raise a family. She was successful in what she did as well, career wise. I don’t know if she had bigger dreams but she died at 47. My mother and I were opposite in every way. We didn’t connect and I’m sure she didn’t intend on having a child like me. She loved me, I was her daughter. I loved her because she was my mom but I actually question that. Those feelings seem so autopilot and not from a genuine space.

A genuine space. This is where I wish to live. Humanity needs more genuine.