Blaming your friend for a decision you took in the past will not solve your problem. Channel your anger into tackling your possibilities for conception

The dilemma At the age of 35, I was single and childless, so I considered egg freezing. I found a clinic, sorted out transport and worked out costs. But before I went ahead I spoke to a close friend who strongly warned me against the idea. She stated removing eggs from your body and storing them in a freezer was silly. I respected my friend as she had been through many fertility treatments and so I cancelled my appointment.

I am now 40 and after meeting a very special man am struggling to conceive. My gynaecologist asked me why I had not frozen my eggs and I find myself furious with my friend. I am struggling to forgive her for her catastrophic advice.

I am sure she was not deliberately malicious, but I feel she has ruined my chances of ever being a parent. I have not said anything to her yet. How can I move on?

Mariella replies Stop the blame game. I appreciate that you are angry and frustrated. The vagaries of female fertility and its curtailment long before many of us are ready or in need of saying goodbye to the possibility of parenting is an evolutionary frustration.

Once upon a time we were unlikely to live much beyond 50. Today it’s double that and we are better prepared for parenting in our middle years. We mature more slowly, committed relationships start later, careers are rarely consolidated in our 20s – all of which knocks parenthood down the touchline.

Yet here you are suffering a similar fate to many women of our generation – finding the right relationship, but potentially too late to make it a family affair. Dumping responsibility for past choices on to someone else’s shoulders is not the way to solve your problem or your complex feelings around the baby-making issue. I’m startled that not freezing your eggs should be seen by your gynaecologist as a slip-up on your part. I suspect the majority of women, unless experiencing a relatable medical condition, would not have freezing their eggs high on their “to do” list in their mid-30s. Maybe we should. It’s one of a host of options we need to be discussing as our bodies struggle to keep pace with seismic shifts in society.

Your friend may not have displayed great foresight, but that's easy to judge in hindsight

Blaming your friend for delivering an opinion, based on her own experience, is the last thing you should be focused on. Your anger would be better channelled in tackling your possibilities for conception. There’s a long and ever-increasing list to choose from – IVF, donor eggs, surrogate mothers – if having a baby is your priority. Getting your gynaecologist to show more imagination and make fewer unhelpful comments about choices long past would be a much more constructive occupation.

Then again, friction among friends seems a staple of long-held relationships. Some days I find myself longing for the innocent friendships of yore. In adulthood, refraining from manslaughter let alone maintaining civility with those you’ve “matured” alongside, gets ever harder. Over the decades, girlfriends develop opinions that are intractable, habits that are increasingly annoying and foibles, long suffered, become ever more insufferable. Where once all I asked for in a buddy was the potential for fun, a companion to share the late-night taxi fare with and an open phone line in times of emotional turmoil, now I demand sensitivity, compliance, flexibility, intuition, blind loyalty, political compatibility, back-up when required and free rein when not.

In short the older we get the less tolerant we become of anything less than perfection in those who’ve accompanied us through the years. The better we get to know ourselves the less flexible we are about stepping beyond established boundaries. It’s surely the reason so many of us get stuck in our ways, paused at a particular point, with no hunger to develop, seek new adventures or push ourselves. I’d go so far as to say it’s what makes us old!

I’m wondering how much credit your pal would have been given had she pushed you into egg freezing. Would your life have taken this same turn or a different swerve? It’s illogical to separate the choices we’re happy with from the ones we’d like to retake because they are intrinsically connected. Your imperative to have a baby may have pushed you faster into finding a relationship. The insurance of frozen eggs might have made you dawdle along the way and blinded you to the possibilities of the man you’ve met. That’s why gratitude for the things that turn out right is so much more important than raging against perceived losses.

Your friend may not have displayed great foresight, but that’s easy to judge in hindsight. Here in the present I suggest you take responsibility for your choices, channel anger into positive action and be grateful that you’ve met a great man.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1