Well hello there.

I see you've caught me celebrating my latest goal by showing off the "keep calm and pass me the ball" shirt that I made. Though the shirt tells you to keep calm, it should actually make you feel like your genitalia is ablaze with arousal and the possibility of requiring medication. Consider this my Boxing Day gift to you. Ha-HA!

It's been a difficult time for whatever my club is called. We lost matches to QPR and Liverpool mostly because my teammates lack my Berba-brilliance. I've tried to teach them all the moves that go into being a quality footballer like: the suggestive smirk, making eye contact with fans that seem open to new and erotic experiences, like you, and properly massaging yourself before, during and after every match. So a mere eight minutes into our latest match, I led the way yet another sumptuous goal and then did something no other footballer has ever done before when I unveiled a special message on my undershirt. ... Yes, I know I had gone seven matches without scoring a goal before that and wearing the shirt was more than a bit presumptuous, but confidence is an important part of being The Berba. For example, I already have dinner in bed all set out back at your place even though you have declined my advances many times before. Ha-HA!

As for the shirt itself, this was only one of several shirts in a new line that my cousin Timitar Berbatov and I will be selling out of a van outside of adult movie theaters throughout London. There is also a "keep calm and give me your phone number," a "keep calm and kiss me all over" and a "keep calm and lets wrestle in a tub of mayonnaise." They are available sizes small to XXXXXXXXXXXL and require personal fittings that may or may be videotaped. Ha-HA!

If you like, I can bring several samples of these Berba-blouses to our dinner in your bedroom tonight. ... I'll take the way you are vigorously shaking your head "no" to mean that you are simply too excited to remember how to nod your head "yes." ... Well, nodding your head while still saying "no" is the very definition of mixed messages so I'm afraid you're just not making any sense now. ... Getting your written refusal to have dinner in bed with me notarized simply was not only unnecessary but I didn't even think that was possible.

Oh-OHHH! I just noticed that my teammate with long hair aka Little Long-Haired Berba is covering a letter on my shirt to make it look like it says "keep calm and ass me the ball." Oh, that sounds mysteriously erotic but it is also completely nonsensical. Oh, this is terrible. Unless it's actually even better. Ha-HA!

Join us next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...