CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

DOBBY'S SOCK

Mrs. Weasley leaped up.

"How in the fuck did you do it?"

"Voldemort's nipple," said Harry. "Titty twister."

"Lord Voldemort enchanted Ginny," said Harry lying.

"Why so serious, Gaylord?" Dumbledore said.

When Dumbledore said his name, Lockhart looked at Ron.

"Am I retarded?" said Lockhart. "Fuck. I am retarded, aren't I?"

"Fuck me," said Dumbledore. "Impaled up your ass, Gaylord!"

"Hagrid's buttcrack," said Lockhart.

Lucius Malfoy bursted in.

Harry took off one of his dried semen socks.

"Mr. Mofo," he gasped, "I've got a present for you —"

And he forced the cum sock into Lucius Malfoy's hand.

"Dafuq —?"

Mr. Malfoy threw it aside.

"Come, Dobby. I said, come."

Dobby was jacking off in Harry's disgusting, cum sock.

"Master has given a sock to Dobby," said the elf.

"What the fuck did you say?" spat Mr. Malfoy.

"Jizzed in my pants," said Dobby. "Dobby is free."

"You've lost me my fucking slave, bitch!"

Dobby shouted, "You shall not rape Harry Potter!"

Dobby knocked Mr. Malfoy the fuck out.

Harry went to the Hogwarts rave. Everyone had glowsticks, and the celebration was an all-nighter. Hermione ran toward him, screaming "You saved the world tonight!" and Justin, dick in hand, apologized for being a homo. Hagrid turned up with a limp. Harry and Ron knocked back hard liquor, securing The Shit Cup for Gryffindor. Professor McGonagall told them exams had been canceled. ("Bitch!" said Hermione). Dumbledore announced Professor Lockhart needed to go away to an insane asylum.

"Damn shame," said Ron. "I was starting to like him."

It was time for the journey home.

"Percy's got a boyfriend," said Ginny.

"Fag."

"It's that Ravenclaw prefect, Odysseus Clearwater," said Ginny. "I walked in on them fucking. He was so upset when I attacked him."

The Hogwarts Express stopped.

"This is a telephone number," he told Ron. "I told your dad how to call a phone sex line. Call it. I can't fucking take another two fucking months talking to fucking Dudley..."

"Call me maybe?" said Hermione.

"Mos def," said Harry.