Hey, everyone! Just wanted to give a shout and let you know that yes, I am a human woman, but I’m in a lil’ predicament right now, haha. You see, I’ve been getting super into sheet masks lately and went kinda overboard recently and have now become a puppet made from paper mache.

I know, super weird, right?? This was not in the warning label on the box.

So I started using sheet masks pretty regularly, first for 15 minutes at a time, then for entire cross-country flights. And by the time I was wearing them in public, I was like, why not have a makeup-free day where I just wear sheet masks?

And you know how sometimes you forget to take your makeup off before you go to sleep and put another layer on in the morning, or forget to take out a tampon before you go to bed and just keep stuffing your vag with more tampons? That’s basically what happened to me, except with sheet masks. It’s like I would COMPLETELY forget that I had one on in the first place and just slap another one on like it was no big deal. Who knew it would lead to me becoming a sort of haunting paper mache puppet that now just sits still in a parlour? Literally NOBODY told me this could happen!!

I’m now realizing that I probably should have taken off the dry sheet masks before putting a new one on (DUH, KATIE!! YOU FUCKIN’ IDIOT!!!!) so that my skin and body wouldn’t turn into a hard shell that I constantly felt compelled to keep moist with fresh sheet masks, but like I used to say when I could move my own mouth: “HINDSIGHT IS 20/20 KATIE, YOU FUCKIN’ IDIOT!!!!!!”

So now that I am nothing more than a delicately crafted puppet, bringing a kind of delight and horror to anyone who sees me, I fully understand my mistake. If you’re out there thinking of getting into sheet masks, just PLEASE be careful and only use one at a time, or you too might find yourself in a mobile puppet show run by some fucking guy who plays the accordion, bringing joy to many. Don’t be like me!!