Well true gamers, it looks like those degenerate leftist puritans are at it again, destroying gaming for everyone with their heavy-handed censorship. I don’t know how they found time in between dying their hair and growing their hipster beards, but somehow, these people have managed to succeed in getting Tokyo Mirage Sessions censored to the point where I no longer experience the forbidden excitement of wanting to have sexual intercourse with the 17 year-old girl in my anime videogame.

Let me say that again so everyone understands how serious this is: I do NOT want to have sexual intercourse with this 17 year-old girl. Doesn’t that sound disgraceful? Why aren’t more people upset about this? And to be clear, for all you perverts out there, I’m not saying that I WOULD commit this technical quote unquote crime, but games are all about escapism, and anything less than a boner is the same as censorship (read 1984 people, come on).

If you ask me it’s just disgusting that these so-called “progressives” can’t see how repellent and abhorrent it is to create a situation where I don’t want to have sex with an underage girl. When I look at this underage girl, with all of her “censored” bits not here and not there, the last thing on my mind is the intangible, impossible joy of sex. Can’t you see how insane that sounds?

The left-wing liberals have this absolutely bonkers obsession, for some reason I don’t understand, with trying to make it so that any girl under the age of 18 isn’t marketed to me as a sexual object available for purchase. It would be laughable if it didn’t fly in the face of not only my boner and my dick, but scientific reason as well, and also my boner which I already mentioned, not to mention, also, my balls and nuts.

As a true gamer, I know a thing or two about biology. The simple fact of the matter is that when a girl goes through puberty in her teens, she starts to develop her first set of vagina bones. Later, when she goes through second puberty at age 25, the first set of vagina bones fall out and are replaced with a new adult set. These are the facts.

It’s frankly laughable for these thought-controlling fascists to try to sell me on a deranged fantasy that this 17-year old girl would already have lost her first set of vagina bones and that somehow “explains” why they’re not there, tempting me into sin. Do you think I’m a fucking idiot? The sheer arrogance of these people is mind-boggling.

I just don’t understand how these people can claim to stand for “tolerance” when they’re out here like this, basically just punching me in the dick and scrote over and over again. What’s so tolerant about that? What’s so “tolerant” about balling up your hand into a fist and then delivering it straight to my already punished dick at high speed? What’s so “forward-thinking” about reducing my dick and balls to a crimson ruin? I didn’t think so.

All I’m saying is that, if we as gamers are willing to sit by and do nothing while cultural marxist dictators socially engineer a world in which someone like me does not want to have sex with an underage girl, then we have failed. Make sure that when you collect your preorder of the special edition you don’t ever actually play the game to show Nintendo that you won’t stand for this kind of underhanded scheming.