ATTENTION ALL TRUE PATRIOTS:

Nike has just unveiled a new campaign supporting people exercising their constitutional right to free speech. This, of course, is UNACCEPTABLE. Therefore, we must PROTEST NIKE to ensure our status as the SUPERIOR RACE MOST PATRIOTIC AMERICANS. However, since simply burning Nike apparel is officially old-school, here are a list of ways to protest this LIBERAL company and their NEW MARKETING CAMPAIGN.

Never say the words “Just Do It™” again. Every time you utter Nike’s horrific slogan, you’re giving them free advertising. Acceptable synonyms to the phrase include: “simply complete the action,” “plainly accomplish the operation,” and “straightforwardly execute the process.” These new phrases aren’t as catchy, but they’re much better than sounding like a DEMOCRAT!! Burn all of your previous athletic apparel. It doesn’t matter if it’s Nike or not; wearing any sort of athletic apparel is reminiscent of the company. Do your laps in khakis now or else you’re a DIRTY COMMIE. Stop watching sports as a whole. Nike is supporting everyone from Serena Williams to Colin Kaepernick. In order to avoid any potential Nike athletes crossing your AMERICAN television screen, it’s best just to avoid sports all together. And now that Roseanne has been cancelled, it’s Bachelor in Paradise or bust from here on out. Support all other racist patriotic businesses. Papa John’s, Tesla, anything from Martha Stewart, these are our friends. Support them at all cost before the liberals bankrupt our kind. Exclusively buy Adidas from here on out. We swear this isn’t a #threestripelife promo, except that it 100% is (please love us, Todd Sansbury). Hone all of your energy in on this one specific issue. Who cares that there are still people in Puerto Rico without power, that Flint, Michigan has been without clean water for years, that there are still children who have not been reunited with their parents after being detained by ICE? If football man no stand up, we no be quiet.





Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The views here are not reflected by the Georgia Institute of Technology, or, for that matter, anyone on our staff.



