DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul. "For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow," said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculpture’s even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that it’s not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. "And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Party’s best shot at beating Obama in November." Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didn’t want to waste their votes.

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