On the wrong side

East Germany, 1964

She was coming back home, pacing on the sidewalk, immersed in a cold rage. The outcome from that afternoon had been more than predictable, she knew. Didn’t matter how much she had mentally prepared herself for this, it had still been quite a blow. It was as if reality itself had slapped her hard on the face. Well, her reality at least.

For the rest of her walk home, Alice invoked the fresh memories of the afternoon. She now profoundly hated the professors who had interviewed her for one long hour to see if, after six years of studying there, she would make a good doctor. At first, they had looked at her indifferently and perhaps with some irritation behind their stern look, as if accusing her of making them lose their precious time.

The answer had been “no”. That has been it, a blunt and short “no”. Even before she had turned her back to them she had come to the conclusion that it wasn’t for the lack of knowledge. She had plenty of that, if not for her two years as a nurse at the local clinic and for the long hours of study she had dedicated to the books she had borrowed from her older brother, Bernard, who was already a student at that university. It wasn’t for the lack of motivation either, Alice reassured herself. In a final desperate attempt to try to make them see that she was more than motivated, she told those who had interviewed her how, four years ago, when she was only fourteen years old, an injured man had come into her parents’ pharmacy, at night, when they were almost closing. Only she and her mother had been there and they were alone to treat the man who’d come in with a ghastly abdominal wound. She recognized that the whole scenario wasn’t appropriate for those with a soft stomach, but she had handled the situation, guided by her mother, without even flinching. It was on that night that she had made up her mind about what she wanted to be in the future.

But they had still said “no”. Why? It was quite obvious, even though Alice had been rejecting the truth for long. She was a woman. And, because of that, being a nurse was quite enough.

“It’s because I’m here, on the wrong side, the bad side,” Alice murmured under her breath, thinking on how many stories had come from the west telling the tales of both women and men who could pursue their dreams and their careers.

She finally made it to the front door of her house and got in. Everyone, except for her brother who knew where she had actually been, thought that she had had just a long day of work at the clinic. Alice intended to keep things that way. For as long as she could, at least. Because she was leaving. Oh yes, she was actually going to make an attempt to go to the other side of the Wall. This interview had been the last chance Alice had given this half of her country.

She smelled dinner being cooked by her mother, which indicated that although her father was still at the pharmacy, it wouldn’t take him long to get back home.

She slowly climbed the stairs that would lead her to the first floor where her room was, as well as Bernard’s, and tried to make as little noise as possible she so her mother wouldn’t realize she was already back home.

When she reached the first floor she had officially managed to avoid her parents, but she knew she couldn’t avoid her brother, who was studying in his room with the door open. Perhaps to see when Alice would be back. She knew it was pointless to go directly to her room, when was right in front of his, and pretend he wasn’t there watching her. So, she moved towards Bernard’s room and stayed at the entrance. Her brother glanced at her with a look in his eyes that told her that, he too, knew the outcome of that afternoon.

“I didn’t make it,” Alice said to him nonetheless, surprised that she still couldn’t speak without that annoying knot of frustration in her throat, which gave the impression that she was on the verge of tears. She pretended it was nothing.

Bernard turned towards her in his chair and said very seriously:

“Knowing you, you will go for plan B.” He paused and looked even more seriously at her, without blinking. “And if I were in your shoes, the only possible plan B would be leaving”.

He was correct, and he knew that, Alice thought, so she didn’t bother to confirm his suspicion.

“I can’t go with you, you know that, right?” Bernard asked her, softening his look on her.

“I know,” Alice said with barely any emotion in her voice. She already knew his priorities, so she wasn’t expecting him to go with her. He had his studies to conclude and there was more. Bernard had a girlfriend that, given a few years, would most likely become his wife.

They had nothing more to say to each other, so Alice turned and went to her room and closed the door behind her.

She had prepared everything. Expecting the afternoon’s outcome, she had contacted a few friends that were involved in sending people to the other side. They were already counting with her in, a week from today. This way, she would join the next group going to the other side. She clenched her fists in search of strength and patience to wait just one more week, because this time the answer would have to be “yes”.

Disclaimer:

Illustration marked as * was made by João Miguel Neto (jack_john_art)

Illustration marked as ** was made by Inês Vicent (invi.art)