According to the Lake Delton Police Department, several individuals were involved in a fight that started after someone took a chair from a different group’s table.

The fight had stopped before police arrived, but police acquired video footage taken from bystanders during the fight. Investigating officers also questioned several people involved at the scene.

Police are continuing to investigate the incident and no other information is available at this time.

WE GOT A DONNYBROOK AT THA WATAHPAHK! Whaaaaat a scene! I’ll start by pointing out the obvious: this is the shittiest water park I’ve ever seen. It’s indoors and made entirely of cement. Not a molecule of water in sight. Maybe they hose the floor down and let kids slip and slide across it? Either way, this “water park” doesn’t have shit on Funtown Splashtown USA (shoutout Saco, Maine). If I brought my entire family to the water park on a hot summer day and had to sit inside, in a circle on those shitty plastic chairs, the lack of entertainment would inevitably drive me to start a fight. Can’t say we didn’t see this coming.

It all takes off when the big guy in the yellow shirt swings the plastic chair like a battle axe, shattering it across the back of the big dude from True Detective season 1

Immediately after that, Batman decides to take a nap. He’s rocked to sleep by the gentle rhythms of a fierce right hand from the same guy who, moments earlier, had turned that chair into a thousand plastic splinters:

Those are the highlights from Act 1. Clearly, the guy in the yellow shirt is the lead character. While the chair smash wasn’t particularly effective, his easy dispatching of Batman makes him the MVP of the first round.

On to act 2… we pick up the madness from a different phone and a different angle. It appears things settled down for a bit after the initial flurry. But out of nowhere, another chair comes flying in. And as we all know, NOTHING ignites a fight like a flying chair. It’s the equivalent to when Palestine launches their homemade, shitty rockets at Israel and Israel knocks them out of the air with their trillion dollar Iron Dome system and then bombs the Gaza Strip to the moon. Like hey guys? Those plastic chairs aren’t going to do anything. But we’re still going to retaliate with an outrageously over-the-top response that is not commensurate at ALL with the plastic chair.*

Once again, the Carcosa dude and yellow shirt are the leaders of their respective camps. Everyone is slipping and sliding because clearly the janitor of the water park takes great pride in his work and buffs the SHIT out of that cement floor. Weapons are drawn:

But, you know, a trash can full of diapers isn’t the easiest thing to heave. The only thing he accomplishes with the trash can toss is the breaking of the janitor’s soul, who sheds a single tear as his beloved floor turns brown with bandaid juice and sludge. The clip ends with Carcosa and yellow shirt throwing haymakers that don’t even sniff each other’s chins, thankfully. Hard to know if anyone actually got hurt in this. It certainly looked more like a pillow fight than a theme park brawl.

And how did it start? Someone took a chair from the other group’s table. Well, shit. I guess they didn’t have a choice. You can’t take a chair from someone’s table unless you say, “is this seat taken?” And only if they ASSURE you that nobody else is coming for that chair can you take it. Chairs at crowded restaurants, bars, and water parks are like housing settlements in the West Bank: if you take them without consent, you should be prepared for the backlash.*

*The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has been raging for over 50 years. Yesterday, the United States officially opened the new American embassy in Jerusalem, recognizing the holy city as Israel’s capital. The problem is that the three major religions–Islam, Christianity, and Judaism–all have a strong interest in Jerusalem. As the unofficial referee of the region, America has abstained from labeling Jerusalem as belonging to either Israel or Palestine for many years, to avoid conflict. We’re like a divorce lawyer who refuses to provide official custody to either parent, because it’s more tenable to let them see the kids when they want. The system worked… ok. But when Trump officially recognized Jerusalem as belonging to Israel on December 6th, the Palestinians understandably responded with massive protests. These protests have escalated over the past five months until yesterday, when the U.S. and Israel officially moved the American embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, solidifying our stance that Jerusalem is the true capital of Israel. In response, Palestinians were encouraged to storm the border fence in the thousands. As they climbed, they were gunned down by Israeli snipers. At least 60 people were killed and thousands more were injured. It was a very sad consequence of a geopolitical restructuring that, to me, was both ill-conceived and avoidable.

To truly understand the depth of the conflict, you have to go back to the 1940s and understand how the founding of Isreal displaced so many Arabs who were already living there. It’s a very tricky debate, and frankly, one should be able to sympathize with both sides. I won’t explain the history of it but I would encourage you to spend some time on Wikipedia if you actually want to offer an opinion on the matter.

The major issue for America is that by standing so firmly with Israel, we further alienate ourselves from the Arab world. Arabs really don’t like Israel, and they feel that Israel has only continued to exist because of America’s unconditional military support. By that, I mean that we have supplied, funded, and trained the Israeli military in a way that we never have with any other country. That Iron Dome missile defense system is straight out of Tony Stark’s lab, and we pretty much pay for it with the $38 BILLION aid package that Obama put together in 2016 (NY Times).

If you’re wondering why radical Islamic terrorist groups like Al-Qaeda and ISIS hate America so much, a huge part of it is our support of Israel. Once upon a time, America’s interests in the region were fueled by… fuel. But now that we’ve become less reliant on Saudi oil, we maintain our influence because of Israel. And with no peaceful solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in sight, it certainly feels to me that the cost of this friendship, on a global scale, is worth considering.