We like to sarcastically say, "If it's something Americans enjoy, there's a leftist who wants to ban it." At least that's how we rolled in the old days. These days, sarcasm doesn't live here anymore. The idea of banning helium balloons would have been a punchline.

Yet, here we are.

Jones said many animals mistake balloons for food, which can cause severe damage to digestive systems. Since then, he has educated the residents on balloon alternatives and pushed for a ban on the outdoor use and sale of balloons. "It's not just the mass balloon releases, it's every single balloon that goes up is eventually going to come down and potentially put an animal at risk of death or suffering in general," Jones said. "Ban or not, education is the most important thing I can do."

Mock now. But this mentality is how straw bans became a thing (see Seattle Becomes First City to Ban Plastic Drinking Straws, Utensils and California Proposes Bill Punishing Waitstaff for Giving Customers Plastic Straws). All it takes is one mid-level celebrity who doesn't have a new cause of the week. Someone who hasn't been on a talk show in a while. Next thing you know, Alexandria Oscasio Cortez is claiming helium balloons are literal sexism. Because they rise at will.

Andrew Cuomo is sending state troopers throughout the Hudson Valley. Equipped only with needles and a stack of invites to kids birthday parties.

Meryl Streep is making a movie about Big Helium. Leo DiCaprio is narrating. From one of his yachts.

Buying balloons is soon to become an act of civil disobedience. One if by land, two if by see me inflate a cache of the multicolored little air bombs to own the libs.

This is America. I'm just here for the jokes.

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