Ethan Hawke is getting a lot of praise for his performance in Paul Scharder's First Reformed (2018), and it’s not hard to see why. Aside from the fact that he is on-screen in almost every shot, his portrayal of a pastor trying to maintain his health and his faith (but not putting much effort into either) is harrowing. The movie starts with Toller (Hawke) being asked by one of his church attendees, Mary (Amanda Seyfried who deserves roles with more meat in general), to have a chat with her husband Michael (Philip Ettinger). Michael is a radical environmental activist who is giving into a strange mixture of extremism and despondency at the state of the earth, as well as at the recent announcement of Mary’s pregnancy. Discussing what the future holds for mankind, Michael asks Toller what he’s supposed to say to his unborn child who will comes of age in a destroyed world; “When she looks at me and says ‘you knew all along,’” he says to Toller in one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. Toller, a man who came to the faith after his son was killed in Iraq, gives an eloquent but ultimately fatalistic answer. He is not one to comfort with empty platitudes; he himself struggles to find the good or the beautiful in life.

Throughout the movie, Toller keeps a journal of his thoughts which are relayed to us via voiceover. There is an uncomfortable honesty in his words, and we begin to see a man who wants not only a reason for living but a reason to drive him forward. Mary discovers a suicide vest made by Michael, which Toller takes for the purpose of disposal though it’s obvious to us that it’s a rifle on the mantle. Michael does complete suicide but not with vest, and Toller takes his computer and files then disappears down the same rabbit hole. He becomes obsessed with the cause, finding connections between a polluting paper plant and the megachurch that helps keep his congregation afloat. Toller drinks heavily despite the possibility that he might have stomach cancer. One night, he stands in his nearly empty room with Michael's suicide vest on. It’s clear that he’s been revitalized; that this has given him a sense of purpose and therefore a chance for a noble sacrifice.

The real power in First Reformed is that we are both sympathetic and wary of Toller. He blames himself for the death of his son, pushing him into a war that had no clear purpose. He seems to think he doesn’t deserve love or happiness, harshly pushing people away and approaching everything with the black-and-white view of a fanatic. As the movie progresses, we understand this odd brand of faith-starved nihilism, yet struggle to condone the actions Toller takes. In some regards, Michael being part of a suicide mission feels like the path of a true believer, no matter the viewers opinion on such acts. With Toller, it feels empty, a newly minted disciple eager to be drastic.