Thursday 3rd November 2011

Ah good old Liz Jones. She writes the truths that others daren't even whisper. This morning she admitted she was a sperm stealer , someone who would go through bins and squeeze out sexcrement from condoms (I think only the sexcrement of her partner, but it's a nice image to think of her prowling the neighbourhood at night like a feral spunk fox, going through dustbins, finding discarded prophylactics and squeezing the contents up her clacker like they are vaginal Frubes.Ah brave new world that has such spoof hungry women in it.But thank God Jones has broken the ranks to let men know the truth. Make sure you account for every single sperm. You need security equivalent to that at South African diamond mines. Don't let a woman leave your house without strip searching her for semen. Check every orifice. Sometimes they can smuggle them out up their bottoms (if you're very lucky). If you get blowjob from a lady do insist on checking their mouth with a flashlight to ensure full swallowage. Plus beware of regurgitators. Also if female doctor ever asks you for a sample of semen, refuse. She will only stick it up her fanny the minute you're out the door. All women are sexcrement crazy and will do anything to become impregnated by any man.Personally I always make sure all sexcrement is squeezed out of where ever it was deposited, then I stamp on it shouting "die my unborn children, die!" And just to be sure I usually use a hypodermic needle to extract all my white tadpoles from my testes before any sexual encounter and then replace them with the fillings from Cadbury's Creme eggs. It looks exactly the same (if your gametes do not look like this then please see your doctor - they should be white and gloopy with big splodges of yellow) and tastes much nicer than the real thing. Though there is a danger that it might still impregnate a crafty woman and she'd give birth to some kind of Humpty Dumpty hybrid. You just can't win with these duplicitous women. Thank God men are so honest and honourable when it comes to sexual matters. We put you to shame, you cum craving seed scavengers.There was I innocently filling cumpkins and I have probably ended up fathering hundreds of children from women surreptitiously dipping their nether regions in them rather than putting them on their head as God intended.I might become gay. It's the only way to avoid these harpies desperate for my man yoghurt. Unless gay men are in on this, in the pay of the ejaculant obsessed females, like bees gathering honey which they take back to the Queen. And I have just disgusted myself by imagining how they deliver their payload to the intended target, so I'd better end this there. And then send this off to the Daily Mail.Talking of duplicity,tomorrow I am meeting up with Andrew Collings and if I don't murder him the second I see his stupid bean face, we will be recording a podcast as well. Should be up Friday evening. And if I do kill him I will still do it, doing a ventriloqist act with his bean shaped skull. And if he thinks I am going to bum him now he has got another think coming.