BRITAIN is to scrap all human rights laws and just go with its gut.

The government insisted that human rights legislation had failed because it protects people who look a bit dodgy.

A Home Office spokesman said: “You know how sometimes you just look at someone and think, ‘yeah, I’ll bet that bugger’s up to all kinds of shit’? And how often are you wrong?

“Exactly.”

She added: “And we can all take it in turns to be ‘The Judge’ because we all agree on who’s nice and who isn’t. You could get it all done by lunchtime.”

The government confirmed it was now looking forward to Britain testing its gut instinct on an exciting range of Muslims, Bulgarians and hippies.