EPPING, NH—Expressing frustration over all the people approaching him asking for assistance, local man Dan McDermott was annoyed Friday at being repeatedly mistaken for an employee just because he was driving a forklift through his local Costco. “God, I’m just trying to mind my own business and transport crates of shampoo across the sales floor, and all these customers keep coming up to me and asking if I can help get something down from way up on the top of the shelves,” said McDermott, explaining how just because he’s operating the same brand of four-wheeled power truck that the staff members use doesn’t mean he’s an actual Costco employee. “Is it so hard to understand that I come here every week, drive my forklift around, and get chased by management? It’s like, I have no idea where the kitchen appliances are; I’m a customer too!” At press time, McDermott hated how everyone treats him like a criminal just because the police were escorting him out of the store for the third time this month.

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