MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) – A 34-year-old Blaine, Minn., man is accused of ejaculating on his co-worker’s desk and in her coffee. John R. Lind faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct for incidents that allegedly happened since late February. Charges were filed in Ramsey County. According to the criminal complaint, an employee at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton called police on Aug. 26., saying she thought Lind, her co-worker, was leaving bodily fluids on her desk.

She told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. The worker wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him. Lind then quickly left the room and slammed the door behind him, the worker said. Seconds later, Lind came back, told the worker he had a question for her but forgot it. He then left the area. The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy.

The worker told police that she’d had problems with Lind for months. He’d allegedly leave his zipper down often. It happened so much that the worker said she threatened to report Lind if it happened again. On Aug. 28, Lind agreed to meet with police at the New Brighton Public Safety Center, the complaint states. While talking with officers, he admitted to ejaculating on his co-worker’s desk and coffee on Aug. 26, which was his birthday. He then went on to admit that he’d ejaculated in her coffee twice in the last six months, and on her desk four times, wiping up the mess with the scrunchy. He told police he was attracted to his co-worker and did this to get her to notice him. He also said that he knew it was “gross and wrong,” the complaint states. The worker told police that her coffee had tasted strange on numerous occasions – more than twice in the last several months. She said she initially thought the taste was spoiled cream, but when police informed her that Lind admitted to tampering with her coffee, she said “I knew it.” Lind told police he’d never done this to another woman.

Oh boy oh boy did we just open Pandora’s box. Little good news bad news for you lady. Good news is that guy who keeps walking around the office with his zipper down, cumming on your desk and staring you down every chance he gets? Yeah, he’s fired. You accomplished that. No more deer in the headlights looks when you get back from lunch break only to find John jizzing in your scrunchy. All things considered pretty successful day.

Now to the bad news, that coffee you’ve been drinking for the past year? Well yeah, it’s been semen coffee this whole time. Sort of wish we had kept that part out now don’t you. Ignorance is bliss, especially when you’ve been drinking your co-workers cum every morning before you start your day. I guess your move now is to just throw up for the rest of time?

PS

For the most part what this guy did is fucked up, but if you can’t jizz in a cup of coffee on your birthday then what can you do anymore? That’s John’s day not yours. If he wants cake he should have cake, if he wants to masturbate into your drink he should get to do that too. We’re not Jehovahs Witnesses here, birthdays still mean something.

Also credit where credit is due. Jizzing on your co-workers desk will get her to notice you 100% of the time. Mission big time Accomplished on that one.

h/t gup and dan