I never knew it was possible to feel like total shit and like you’re on top of the world at the exact same time… But that’s definitely me right now. And, well… It kinda sucks.

I mean, on one hand, I’m insanely excited and basically freaking the fuck out (in the best way). But then I also feel like the worst person in the world for feeling that way. Know what I mean?

Guess I should explain. Let me back up a bit.

So Charlie, Alex, and Tony’s birthday was last week. And it was a pretty damn important one. They’re finally eighteen. Adults now, as much as Tante Joce doesn’t wanna believe it. She’s been all weepy and emotional about it every time I talk to her! Typical, right?

Anyway, they all did stuff with their friends last week to celebrate. It was all over Facebook. Tony and her friend Rebecca had a sleepover (LAME). Charlie and a small army of her ditzy little followers went out to get their nails done and have dinner (Stupid girl stuff). Alex took a few girls from her football team to the arcade and out for some drinks (The only celebration that didn’t completely suck). And they all seemed to have a good time or whatever.

But Tante Joce still insisted on having some stupid family dinner last night. And she invited everybody, of course. Elliot, Emma, and Adam. Onkel Auggy and Onkel Noah. Tante Clara, Onkel Florian, and Rory. Remi and River… And me (duh).

But… That was the problem.

Like two days after Tante Joce told me about the dinner, Victoria texted me and invited me to go to her friend’s party with her. Yes — that Victoria! Crazy, right? I was so sure I was dreaming when I got that message. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t believe it! I mean, we’ve been talking back and forth for a little while, I guess. But this was different. I could feel it

So I told her I’d be there, of course. How the hell could I say no? And I was SO excited…

Until I realized the party was the same night as the dinner. Of course it was. Because nothing’s ever that easy.

What the hell was I gonna do?!

Basically I either had to miss out on my chance with Victoria, or let everybody down by picking her instead.

So I ended up choosing the third option.

I lied.

I called Tante Joce and told her I had to work that night, and that no one would switch shifts with me. She was so sad… But she told me she understood. The girls had pretty much the same reaction when I told them too… And I felt really shitty at first.

But I mean, what else could I say?

I figured it wouldn’t be a huge deal. Like I said, the girls already went out with their friends to celebrate. Why should they care about whether or not I’m at some dumb family dinner? I knew they wouldn’t. But I knew Tante Joce would. So I had to come up with an excuse.

So last night, I stopped by the house to say hi and drop off the presents I got for them. Then I headed off to work my “shift”.

And it was amazing. I hung out with some old friends, made some new ones, and had Victoria practically attached to my hip the entire night. I don’t think a girl has ever given me that much attention before, y’know? I seriously didn’t want the night to end.

But the best part was right before I headed home. Victoria invited me to dinner Friday night at the new sushi place on Main Street… Just the two of us. Like… a date. A friggin’ DATE!

That was when I felt like I just had to be dreaming.

But when I got back home… Well, that sure as hell woke me up.

I checked my phone, and I had a text from Charlie. Just one. But it was enough to make me feel like a total and absolute piece of shit.

I know you lied. It said. Fuck you.

Why the hell did she even give a damn? It was just some stupid family dinner. We have tons of those every year. And how did she even find out anyway?

So I messaged her back and got the full story. I guess everybody felt really bad that I had to work and miss the party… So while everyone was busy cleaning up or heading home, Charlie drove down to the restaurant to surprise me with a piece of birthday cake.

But of course, I wasn’t there. My boss told her I wasn’t even scheduled to work til Wednesday.

I think I’ve apologized about a hundred times since last night. And I think she doesn’t hate me. Maybe. Or at least, she’s a little calmer now than she was before. And I think I convinced her not to tell anybody the truth about what happened. So… That’s good, isn’t it?

I dunno. This whole thing is just a mess.

I’m so happy about Victoria. I’m so excited for our date Friday night. And I just keep trying to tell myself I did the right thing by going to that party.

But if I really did the right thing…

Why do I still feel so damn guilty?