Canada is often mistaken for a cultural monolith, full of hosers in toques clutching double-doubles . The reality, of course, is quite the reverse – so here’s a tongue-in-cheek guide to the different characters of its cities

Canada revels in order. Canadians love to police queues they are in for violations of the common understanding. Visit a Tim Hortons before 9am and you will see Canadian niceness at its most insistent.

Once social order is established, however, Canadians will slip into their natural states: representing their region in very specific ways.

Misidentify a city at your own peril: if you make a joke about bagged milk to a person who isn’t from Ontario, you’re likely going to get called an “effing goof” under that person’s breath. Just try recovering from that.

So as an act of public service journalism at its most exalted, it only seems right to raise awareness of some of the people you might meet across Canada should you leave your own city.

Vancouver

Yoga Diva

Preferred habitat: Downtown, with panoramic views of the water – equidistant from the farmer’s market and the good marijuana-yoga place, but not the one on the south side of the street. If not there, then a cabin in the woods that is only accessible by plane.



Go-to look: Expensive workout wear (Lululemon is the patriotic choice) by day; Real Housewives bejewelled top at night.

Life creed: Willing to show up for any charity event that has a “step-and-repeat” wall to ensure maximum media exposure.

Proudest achievement: Landing a venture capitalist boyfriend who owns a large condo and is in Shenzhen 90% of the time



Catchphrase: Attempting to order sushi in Japanese, “お勧めは何ですか?” (What do you recommend?) but actually telling the waiter “”私は私の頭の上に猫を持っています (I have a cat on my head.)

Calgary

Urban Cowboy

Preferred habitat: Overpriced chain sports bar designed to look like a cheap family-run sports bar.

Go-to look: Eddie Bauer quick-dry short-sleeved shirt by day; custom gold-inlaid steer belt buckle by night.

Life creed: Anti-tax and anti-government – at least until the price of oil collapses, at which point he votes NDP.

Proudest achievement: Keeping the government out of his face, and the moose out of his truck’s grill.

Catchphrase: “There are only two seasons: ‘Stampede’ and ‘waiting for Stampede’.”

Regina

Man about a One-horse Town

Preferred habitat: A custom truck-bed shop – or any bar that sells a beer and a shot of clam juice.

Go-to look: A Roughriders football jersey (not a Rough Riders football jersey – you think this is Ottawa?) by day; Guy Fieri-level Affliction shirt and crispy jeans by night.

Life creed: W.R.E.A.M (Wheat Rules Everything Around Me).

Proudest achievement: Finding a nice puck bunny to marry who didn’t think he was a hoser.

Catchphrase: “Put on your bunnyhug and some clean gotch. We’re goin’ camping.”

Toronto

Hogtown Hero

Preferred habitat: A rental by the Dome until one of their bids goes through on a 1,200 sq ft house on College (bidding starts at $999,000).

Go-to look: Brooks brothers suit with on-trend tie quirkily mismatched to designer socks by day; single pleat Ralph Lauren Rosé trouser by night.

Life creed: Looking up what all their friends’ houses sold for online, then screaming into a $600 point blanket.

Proudest achievement: Jealous friends on Instagram liking their snapshots of brunch for three weeks in a row.

Catchphrase: “Do you want to meet up for coffee? Next month is bad, but the month after, I have a 2pm on the second Saturday.”

Saint John

Craic Addict

Preferred habitat: Anywhere with live fiddle music.

Go-to look: Work clothes by day; free outfit from Molson Canadian beer cases by night.

Life creed: Making fun of those rubes in Moncton (population: 4,000 less than Saint John).

Proudest achievement: The excitement they had the first time they saw the Tidal Bore.

Catchphrase: Could be anything – but whatever they’re telling you, they’re “telling it to ya right f...in’ now”

Winnipeg

Middle Aged Mustang

Preferred habitat: Pink Taco on Ladies’ Night, or anywhere where the hairsprayed, permed quail are out looking for a good man.

Go-to look: Jets hockey jersey, good jeans (without a hammer loop) by day; free Canadian Tire t-shirt received with oil change, jeans with tenuous crotch fibre density by night.

Life creed: “My buddy Jon at work is one of them, and he says it.”

Proudest achievement: Bringing the Jets back from Atlanta in 2011.

Catchphrase: “Go Jets!”

Charlottetown

Hunter Boot Heather

Preferred habitat: Attending a party at the Canadian Potato Museum.

Go-to look: Clamdiggers and plimsolls covered in red sand by day; sweat top hand-painted with a watering can and flowers by night.

Life creed: Uninterested in ever discussing Anne of Green Gables with a Japanese tourist again.

Proudest achievement: Having eaten in all 10 of C-town’s downtown restaurants.

Catchphrase: “Storm’s coming – better stock up on chips.”

Ottawa

Government Drone (not the exciting kind)

Preferred habitat: Nondescript tower blocked probably named after an obscure Scotsman; skating the Rideau canal.



Go-to look: HR-approved, culturally inclusive clothes with room for ribbon/button of the month by day; complete outfit copied from the Eddie Bauer window at night.

Life creed: Getting the kid in IT to programme a countdown for his computer tracking number of days until the pension unlocks.

Proudest achievement: Making it to 8pm at the pub on a Friday night.

Catchphrase: “Aussi disponible en Français.”

Halifax

Donair Dude

Preferred habitat: Date night at the Pizza Delight.

Go-to look: Plaid shirt and duck boots by day; polished Doc Martens and cargo pants by night.

Life creed: All the mickey-taking of Scottish Glasgow, but with less Buckfast and more tea and lace curtains

Proudest achievement: Getting that walk-on role in Trailer Park Boys.

Catchphrase: “Can I bum a dart? I didn’t get out to buy a pack yet.”

St John’s



A Right Colleen

Preferred habitat: A brightly painted clapboard house buried in about 30in of snow from September to June with a makeshift home hair salon in the basement.



Go-to look: Sky-high blonde hair with tight jeans and very high boots by day; Sandy from Grease by night.

Life creed: Only drinking light beer, in order to be able to drink all night.

Proudest achievement: Making a bar fridge out of snow, a doorway and a 2-4 of Coors Light.

Catchphrase: “Stay where you’re at and I’ll come where you’re to!”

Montreal

Chloé Chouette

Preferred habitat: Near a fireplace 10 months of the year; eating outside for the remainder.

Go-to look: Impossibly perfect motorcycle jacket by day, expensive Scandinavian parka by night.

Life creed: All you need in life is some bread, some wine and some lingering separatist feelings

Proudest achievement: Sending an Anglo tourist looking for the coolest bits of town to suburban Longueuil “by accident”.

Catchphrase: “Tabernak! Le dép est fermé!”

Whitehorse

Midnight Son

Preferred habitat: Indoors for 11 months of the year; in June, a golf course at 2am.

Go-to look: Highest-gauge parka except June, when lower-gauge parka is acceptable. No difference between day and night.

Life creed: Weary of explaining the difference between a province and a territory.

Proudest achievement: Successfully dodging a grolar bear in a 2007 Civic.

Catchphrase: “A case of bottled water for a hundred bucks? When did it go on sale?”