Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah and Seth Meyers discussed the results of Trump’s physical and the US’s response to the crisis in Puerto Rico

This article is more than 2 years old

This article is more than 2 years old

Late-night hosts discussed the results of Donald Trump’s physical exam, as well as the state of recovery efforts in Puerto Rico four months after Hurricane Irma.

“There has been a whole lot of talk about Donald Trump’s fitness for office lately, what with the book that’s out there and all the rumors,” began Stephen Colbert. “Well, he took a physical last Friday and today we got the results from his doctor Ronny Jackson.

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“Right off the bat, the doctor broke big news,” Colbert said, showing the official White House doctor stating Trump’s heart exam was normal. “So, despite all evidence, Donald Trump does have a heart.”



Colbert then noted that Trump’s results revealed him to be 6ft 3in and 239lb. “According to the body mass index by the Federal Health and Human Services Department, Trump is overweight and just one pound short of being obese,” Colbert said. “That’s awfully convenient.”

The host, imagining Trump’s interaction with the doctor, joked: “‘Listen, Doc, I don’t want to be obese, but I feel like this wad of cash is about one pound. Why don’t you take that off my hand and weigh me again?’



“Reporters seemed kind of disappointed that there wasn’t more bad news,” Colbert went on, showing footage of a journalist asking the doctor how Trump, given his propensity for McDonald’s and lack of exercise, is in good health. The doctor also answered questions about the president’s mental fitness, claiming he is up to the job and sharp.



“It is with the utmost confidence that I assure you the president has no cognitive issues,” Colbert quipped. “He’s just very, very stupid.”



Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah also addressed Trump’s physical.

“Remember how during the presidential campaign Trump’s personal doctor and secondhand speedboat salesman declared that Trump would be the healthiest individual ever elected president?” he began. “Well, Trump has just had his first physical examination by the official White House navy doctor, and it looks like we owe Dr Speedboat an apology.”

In response to a clip in which the White House doctor extolls Trump’s good health, Noah replied: “No heart problems, no dementia, no dentures? But did you check for racism?



“So it turns out, according to the official White House doctor, Trump is completely sane,” the host continued. “Which makes me more worried because that means he’s doing all of this shit on purpose.”



Noah then showed Jackson telling the press, “I told the president that if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years he might live to be 200 years old.”

“My God: if you think Trump is racist at 71, imagine how racist he’ll be when he’s 200,” Noah joked. “I’m not really surprised. Donald Trump has dictator blood. We’re used to this in Africa and other places in the world. Castro, Mugabe, the queen. After the nuclear apocalypse, Trump is going to be the only one walking around, giving speeches to cockroaches.

“‘Folks, we’re going to build a roach motel,’” Noah said in his best Trump impersonation.



Seth Meyers focused his monologue on the recovery efforts in Puerto Rico, which have been largely stymied by the administration’s insufficient response to Hurricane Irma almost four months ago.

The host explained that Puerto Rico electrical operations are only at 65% capacity, and that in remote and rural areas matters are even worse. When asked how he’d grade his response to the crisis, Trump said he’d give himself a 10 out of 10.

Meyers continued: “The president might not be on the case, but there’s still Ben Carson. He’s a brain surgeon, took a Hippocratic oath and he’s the secretary of housing and urban development. Surely, he had something a little more helpful to say about this crisis.”



Meyers then showed Carson, asked how many years HUD would be in Puerto Rico, responding “between one and 100”.

“Ben Carson might be the first brain surgeon in history to leave a sponge inside his own head,” the host cracked. “To give you a sense of the dysfunction in the recovery efforts, a contract for hundreds of millions of dollars was afforded to a small company in Whitefish, Montana, which also happens to be the hometown of interior secretary Ryan Zinke, to help restore Puerto Rico’s electrical grid.”

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The company, Meyers explained, had only two employees, and the contract was cancelled after much scrutiny. The host also noted that the White House requested $44bn in relief funds for Texas and Florida, but not Puerto Rico.

“Even worse, Trump and the GOP passed a tax plan that disproportionately harms Puerto Ricans by treating the American territory as a foreign entity and imposing unfair and cruel taxes on them that could result in the loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs there,” Meyers concluded.