Hey, that banana you're eating, it probably killed somebody! Enjoy it you heartless bastard! Sorry, we're just kidding, sort of. Bananas don't kill people, people kill people...over bananas. And soda. And a bunch of other shit.

Chiquita Bananas

Fresh Fruit, Bloody Wars

Here we have a company whose president was quoted as saying "it's important that I don't get too knowledgable about the past" upon taking control of the company in 1975. The previous president, Eli Black, had just left the company by way of leaping out the window of his 44th floor office in the Pan Am Building in New York rather than face prosecution for giving a bribe to the president of Honduras. The dude didn't even give two weeks notice.

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What's this "past" he didn't want to think about? Well, there's the massacre of striking workers in Colombia in 1928, at the hands of the Colombian army and allegedly under the orders of the company. Seriously, how could they top that?

Well, bringing down the democratically elected leader of a South American country by way of a violent coup is one way.

Back in 1951 when they were still called the United Fruit Company, a president by the name of Jacabo Arbenz took office in Guatemala. Among the things that got him elected, the biggest was an ambitious plan that would distribute uncultivated land to over 100,000 peasants in Guatemala. The main obstacle to this plan was the United Fruit Company, who just happened to own the land.

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According to their estimates, the land was valued at right around $525,000. When the Guatemalan government made a low ball offer of exactly that fucking amount, United Fruit responded with a completely logical counter offer of $16,000,000. When Arbenz balked, United Fruit reportedly took the term "breakdown in negotiations" to dizzying new heights by asking the CIA to intervene. And boy did they intervene. God-DAMN did they intervene!

Along with other connections in the Eisenhower administration, then CIA head Allen Dulles had previously served on United Fruit's board of trustees. With that kind of direct access to the highest levels of the government and with McCarthyism in full swing, we imagine the telephone conversation that resulted in the CIA intervening on behalf of United Fruit went something like this:

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CIA: "Hello?"

United Fruit: "BANANAS blah blah blah OUR LAND blah blah PEASANTS blah blah COMMUNISTS!"

CIA: **click**

United Fruit: "Hello? Hello?"

**Hears explosions in background, takes cover**

With the CIA on board to help with their cause, United Fruit launched a massive and highly successful propaganda campaign to paint Arbenz as a communist threat to the United States. Included in the campaign was a film that linked the taking of United Fruit's land to the Communist Empire, awesomely titled Why The Kremlin Hates Bananas.

Some shit just writes itself. With the general public sufficiently convinced that Guatemala was a threat (good thing we don't fall for shit like that anymore), the CIA was free to pounce and promptly launched "Operation PBSuccess." They didn't call it that because it failed. In short order, the US replaced the freely elected Arbenz with a right wing dictator more willing to answer to the demands of United Fruit and Guatemala's brief flirtation with democracy and prosperity was over.

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But this story does have a happy ending. The civil war that resulted from the CIA initiated coup did finally come to an end.