You are over your ex; or at least you have stopped crying at work every hour; you have started wearing make up and doing your hair again; and maybe you don’t even cry when drinking anymore. So what happens when he messages you or calls you out of nowhere?

It seems like contact with exes always starts on a grey area, and sometimes there is no way out of this zone; and other times you see the light when it’s too late and you are between a bizarro relationship and a hard place.

– “The 50 shades of grey-area” ex:

This guy starts slowly, first he just says hi but this quickly evolves to the point of flirting: wait! Did he just told me that I’m hot and he’d like to take me on a tropical vacation?, but then he said that he’s sure I’ll find “someone special” soon. Is he the “someone special”?This guy is harder to read than “The Lord of the Rings” and it’s 25 pages describing the scenery of a single mountain.

Then you see him and you start wondering if it’s a date, just friends or what the hell.

Solution: In this case you should take advantage of the greyness of your situation and make it whatever is convenient for you: you want some attention? You got it!; you just want a friend? You got it!. And never do you ever reject a guy who expresses his interest clearly, for the major of Grey city. This “ex relationship” ends when it stops being convenient.

– “The friend that wants to marry you” ex:

This guy has had several girlfriends after you; but you had a good relationship that ended because of external reasons. Years have passed and now it seems like he only remembers the good stuff and you became “the one who got away”. After each girlfriend, he tells you that he broke up with her because “she is not you”.

Solution: Too little too late dude! Tell him to get over it, unless he gives you a ring or a puppy, and then take him seriously. Specially if the ring is expensive or the puppy is cute. Just kidding! But not kidding about the “engagement puppy” thing, which is what I want.

– The fake-friendship-offer ex:

You know that this guy doesn’t want you back, neither do you! But he is giving you mixed friendship signals. He begs for friendship, but then he doesn’t reply to messages. He texts you a lot for a few weeks, then he gets lost for months. What happened with the good old fake “lets be friends, but I will never make any effort to contact you after this?” You are not that great anyway, I prefer not ever seeing you again, than this on and off friendship thing we have. Your abstract “happy birthday” message once a year is nothing but weird, “no thanks” for the effort.

Solution: Never contact him again, and then pretend he died. He might come from the dead once or twice and then die for good.

– The friend with benefits ex:

He wants you back, but just some parts of you. There is nothing worse than have a commitment with someone, and then months later, just having just the physical part. Is it just me, or is it like saying “you’re hot, but had nothing else to offer”, it just feels, well, offensive. And then, what rules do you assign to this weird arrangement? If you are exclusive, what is the difference between this and a full on relationship?

Solution: This is a bad idea, don’t do it. Instead, put on a slutty dress, go to a bar and get yourself a real friend with benefits.

In conclusion, being civil with an ex is the way to go, but friendships with exes are almost always a bad idea. Unless you are clear on how you want to handle this and you don’t have any romantic feelings at all, just stay away from him. And if you have had a successful close friendship with an ex, I think that you are awesome, your story needs to be told to the world.

In my case, I feel proud of having very nice “we say hi once a month” relationships with exes, we don’t want to kill each other, and that is nice and as far as I want to go.