Dear Dookie,

I go to UNC, but I’ve heard from a few national news outlets that y’all throw some sick theme parties. I was wondering if you had any party planning tips.

Peace, UNC Brah

Dear Bra,

You caught us. We here at Duke are, indeed, notorious partiers. I mean, I went to college to mature not just academically, but socially as well, which is totally why I’m here and not at an Ivy. This social maturity is cultivated through a rigorous four years of getting drunk in funny outfits.

But throwing a theme party isn’t all fun and games. At Duke, we believe in a balance: work hard, play hard. While you were focusing on the party—crafting the perfect fratmail or inviting the sickest b****es—we were working hard to create the appropriate intellectual climate for our biggest bangers. See, you can’t make a theme party if your school isn’t well informed and constantly aware of the potential themes. Some of this incessant awareness is natural, as we Dukies pride ourselves on our ability to appear socially conscious to our friends. However, you can always supplement your campus’s knowledge through a variety of means, including (but not limited to): school newspaper articles about women and minorities to expose their true colors, segregating campuses and schools by both race and gender, purchasing a lifetime spot on the front page of Jezebel.

The next important step is picking the theme. Luckily, we live in America, where there is mucho inspiracion en todo la land-o (as the recente imigrantes would say). How awful would it be to live in like, Asia, and try to throw a party? There are only Asians in Asia. Everybody is the same. All parties would be Asian themed, and that would be terrible. Fortunately, America is a richly diverse nation, and there are party themes literally walking around us all the time. Just open your eyes, and you’ll begin to notice that people fall into categories, and those categories have characteristics attached. For example, all women are weak and stupid, and Indian people sweat a lot, and all gay people are terrible at Yahtzee. This “melting pot” or “tossed salad” or whatever it is we’re living in is just begging for you to reach in, grab a bite of a culture and make it into a party theme.

Now, we’re at a top 10 school and you’re not, so you’re probably not as creative as we are. You can’t just steal “Asia Prime” or “Juveniles and Pedophiles” and expect no one to notice. So you don’t have to stress your brain out, here is a short list of good possible themes: Nazis and Klansmen, Lesbians and Dildos (a word I have never before pluralized and hope to never pluralize again), Black People (because black people are hilarious) and the ever-popular Douchebags and Sluts.

You may be wondering: Is there a line? The answer is yes. Your parties should aim to portray life as it is, and not rely solely on stereotype. There was a recent party at Duke that broke this rule, shocking campus straight to its core. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about Round Table’s “Rho Tau” party, in which they openly mocked the esteemed greek community—the predominant white cultural group on campus. I have two bones to pick with these prejudiced bastards: One: “greek party” is like, the most redundant phrase ever. And two: The party wasn’t a representation of reality. We all know that there are lots of different types of white people. Please don’t try to shove such a diverse cultural group into one identity. Let’s stay on the right side of history here.

Constructing themes based on real life groups might get a little bit offensive, and that could get you in trouble. To that concern, I repeat Duke’s official motto: Eruditio et Religio, which roughly translates to “no press is bad press.” A party that makes the national news sounds like a pretty sick party to me. Plus, does making the national news really mean ANYTHING anymore? I mean, Pilgrims and Indians made the national news and it was basically a party theme for preschoolers. I went to that party in second grade. We made cornmeal and ate pumpkin pie. Not exactly a rager.

So there you have it—the Dookie’s guide to partying. Just remember, no holds barred. Don’t let anything hold back a potentially sick party theme, because funny things are inevitably offensive, right? Given how things are going for us, you’re going to make the national news anyways, so do it for something that’s actually fun. The only remaining step is to publicize your party with mysterious flyers and artfully worded emails, and VOILA! Let there be sluts!

Oh, and if party themes—I mean, people—get offended or insulted by your emails or themes and stop coming to your parties? Well, that doesn’t really matter, because you didn’t want those people there anyway.

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The Dookie is a gay, transsexual, Blasian woman raised in India and dating an impoverished, genderqueer Cherokee-Venezuelan, yet has never been offended by a party theme, which means they aren’t offensive. Got Q’s for the Dooks? Shoot an email to deardookie@gmail.com.