by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.

For many, being a child star can be a gamble - you either tend to the flame of stardom and carry it as far as it takes you, or you burn too bright and too quick and fizzle out. Broadway is no exception. With that in mind, let’s take a look at seven former child stars of the Great White Way and try to figure out where they are now, because those little shits owe me a lot of money and I'm getting real tired of their games.





Sydney Lucas

CLAIM TO FAME: Small Allison in Fun Home





Sydney Lucas once asked to borrow $20 so she could buy one of those specialty drinks at Starbucks, but looking back, I’m pretty sure nothing at Starbucks costs $20. A drink and a snack, maybe, but she was very adamant that it was for one drink, and, like, why be that specific if you’re not telling the truth? So if anyone knows where she is, give me the scoop, because I want my change and I want it now.





Anna Kendrick

CLAIM TO FAME: Dinah Lord in High Society





She told me she wouldn’t be able to pay me back the $15 I gave her to buy the other Lords lunch because she was, quote, “moving to LA,” but then a month later I saw her in Old Navy with Lacey Chabert, and I’m like? Just? Give? Me? My? Money? She slipped out the back while I was buying an ill-fitting shirt, so I couldn’t catch her, but if anyone has any info, it’d be much appreciated.





David Alvarez

CLAIM TO FAME: Billy Elliot in Billy Elliot





All right, at least I know where this guy is. He’ll be in that West Side Story movie that’s coming out in a few months, so you best goddamn believe I’ll be at AMC opening night, screaming at the screen about that time you I lent you $50, and I was sure to stress the word lent, and I’m pretty sure you heard me, so, like, where is it? Huh? You’ve got Spielberg money now, buddy, so I know you’ve got some to spare.





Lea Michele

CLAIM TO FAME: The Little Girl in Ragtime





Oh, Lea. Oh-ho, Lea. You have the nerve, you have the... the gall to deny my Venmo request after we ordered Domino’s and you ate most of it even though you “weren’t very hungry” in the first place? And then I had to pay to rent Mystic Pizza because you’d never seen it, but you fell asleep halfway through? It’s not much, man. Just click the “Accept” button this time.





Gerard Canonico

CLAIM TO FAME: Gavroche in Les Miserables





This bitch. This bitch right here. I’ve seen you. I’ve seen you ducking into alleyways. Hiding behind bushes. Pretending to be the wait staff at that restaurant I went to that one time. You think you’re clever, don’t you? Think you’re smart? You aren’t. One day, you’ll get sloppy. One day you’ll turn a corner and, boom, there I’ll be, hands outstretched, wallet open. You can’t escape, Canonico. You owe me $3.25 for that street pretzel.





EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN EVAN HANSEN

CLAIM TO FAME: Evan Hansen in Dear Evan Hansen





Any one of them. Any one of these little pieces of, of - I’ve lost so much money to these twerps. We used to have this bet, every performance, that Evan wouldn’t break his arm this time around, because what are the odds, you know? How can one guy be this clumsy? Then, every time, every single time, he’d come out in a fucking cast. But then I finally saw the show, and now I know they’ve been pulling the wool over my eyes this whole time. Well no more. Ok, maybe we try one more time - surely he won’t break his arm this time - but after that, no more.





Gaten Matarazzo

CLAIM TO FAME: Gavroche in Les Miserables





Well, well ,well. Thought I forgot about you, huh? Many forget Gaten started out as a Broadway star, but not me. Not me. The kid arm-wrestled me for $10 a few years back, and I let him win cause ehe was a child, but he claimed he actually beat me. Nobody from the cast of Stranger Things will let me forget it. Now that he’s older, I want a rematch. I’m not scared of you as an adult, Gaten. I’m not scared. I’ve been training, so name the time and the place and I’ll be there. I will not be the butt of David Harbour’s jokes any longer.