One of the biggest mistakes new mothers make is a matter of priorities. They go to OB appointments, take their prenatal vitamins, and rewrite their food pyramid to include peanut butter cookie dough as an acceptable source of protein…. You know, all of the stuff that isn’t important if they are just going to screw the kid up the moment it is earth side. What they should be doing is praying they have a girl (dodge that circumcision bullet as long as you can, ladies), deciding how much they will love their child and then assigning the feeding method accordingly, and predetermining what amount of neglect is “doable” when it comes to sleeping arrangements. These are the real decisions that make a difference between whether or not your kid will blossom into a successful member of society and it is these choices that you are initially judged upon as a mother.

I say “initially” because the fun doesn’t even start until vaccinations, car seat placement, and punishment methods come into play.

It all begins the moment the announcement is made that a new life will be added to your family. Without even knowing it, you have just entered one of the longest running competitions and no matter what you do, you cannot win. There will never be a moment when a unanimous decision is made amongst the judges and the very second you enter motherhood, you become a failure. If you have any hope of survival or even an ounce left of dignity, there is one thing you should never do. Do NOT, under any circumstances, ask questions. Unless, of course, you enjoy being thrown to the wolves and in that case you should find the nearest Facebook group for mothers and submit your request to join their cult.

While you wait for their acceptance, you should begin considering your position on some of the questions and topics mentioned previously that every woman in this cult has had to answer. I suggest making notecards and flow charts for every cross analysis and curveball that can and will be thrown at you. Remember, you choose your own fate, so choose wisely when the time comes. After all, it is the opinions of those who do not matter that matters the most. You are never truly a success if you are failure in the eyes of a stranger.