For the past six months Theresa May had been trying and failing to conjure some sort of credible Brexit plan and all she’d got for her efforts was a load of flak for being clueless. Eventually, she just got fed up. If she couldn’t come up with a deal she believed in, then she would come up with one she didn’t. She knew it would be economically disastrous for Britain to leave the single market, but if that’s what it took to get everyone who had voted to leave the EU off her back then so be it.

Now to share her moment of enlightenment with the rest of the world. And where better than in one of the gilt-lined state rooms of Lancaster House that had doubled up as Buckingham Place for the Crown? As the room began to fill – cabinet ministers and EU ambassadors in the centre rows, hacks and No 10 apparatchiks to the side – a lone TV screen displayed the message “Plan for Britain”. And nothing else. It was a start, I suppose.

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The Maybot slid into the room almost unnoticed and took several deep breaths. She glanced down at her notes. There at the top in capitals was “TRY TO SOUND HUMAN. WE’VE GOT TO NEGOTIATE WITH SOME OF THESE PEOPLE LATER”. Easier said than done, but she’d do her best. She’d start by trying to soften everyone up.

“It’s not you,” she said, looking directly at the ambassadors. “It’s us”. Britain had simply outgrown the EU and no longer wanted to be constrained by sleeping with only 27 partners. Britain wanted to go and shag the rest of the world. We had asked for an open marriage and the EU had said no, so a divorce was inevitable. But no one should panic. Britain wasn’t leaving Europe. Much as we’d like to if that was geographically possible.

Understandably, being dumped live on global TV didn’t go down terribly well with the visiting ambassadors. There was a lot of head-shaking and whispering. The Maybot tried not to catch their eye and moved on to the part of her speech marked “Global Britain”.

“The referendum was a vote for a new global Britain,” she insisted, hoping that no one would remember that many people who had voted to leave the EU wanted as little as possible to do with the rest of the world. Too full of foreigners stealing our jobs. “Global Britain, global Britain,” she repeated. If she said it often enough, someone might believe it. Even if she didn’t.

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Having got the pleasantries out the way, the Maybot moved on to her 12-point plan. She wasn’t entirely sure why there were so many points in the plan as most of them were just vague promises to clarify things that hadn’t yet happened, but her advisers had told her that cutting the plan down to just three points – 1. Get out the single market. 2. Get out the customs union. 3. To hell with the lot of you – wouldn’t play out that well.

“Global Britain, global Britain,” the Maybot droned. If in doubt, return to the leitmotif. Britain wanted to be really, really global – Michael Gove had promised her that Donald Trump was dead keen on coming to a win-lose deal with the UK – but she was keen to extend the hand of friendship to the little old EU. So if the EU was prepared to give us everything we wanted in the negotiations, then we might just continue to trade and talk to it.

But it was up to the EU to show willing. “It would not be the act of a friend to treat us punitively in the negotiations,” she said. Several ambassadors had to pinch themselves at this point; it hadn’t been the act of a friend to vote to leave. But the Maybot had one more sting in the tail. “No deal for Britain is better than a bad deal for Britain,” she added. Her way or no way. If the worst came to the worst, Britain could always settle for WTO rules and become a tax haven.

“The country is coming together,” she concluded. One last white lie wouldn’t hurt. She knew it had never been so divided, and the divisions were only likely to get deeper now she had declared her hand for a hard Brexit that she hadn’t voted for and didn’t want. But people had demanded clarity and she’d given it to them. There was almost no applause at the conclusion of her speech but for once she didn’t care.

Somehow she felt a little lighter. A weight was off her shoulders.