THE THARGOIDS - UNLIKELY RUMOURS FROM [SyL1(I)

S.L.A.M

A series of wild rumours are emerging yet again, this time from the [SyL1(I), regarding the sighting of yet another Thargoid fleet. Two courier pilots travelling from [SyR(2) to [SyR(3) each claim independently to have fought and destroyed a single alien mother ship with a host of attendant Thargons. Both commanders returned without cargo in badly damaged ships and proceeded to create a great deal of local interest. Fleets of entrepreneurial pilots flew directly to the area intent on scavenging alien items from the wreckage but have so far recovered nothing.

Research performed in our offices suggest that the two couriers may well be the same pair who reported a sighting in the region of [SyR(C) a decade ago and who subsequently made a significant fortune from the sale of fake alien technology. Would-be investors are warned to ensure validation of any items they procure prior to sale.

THARGOID WAR VETERAN DIES

S.L.A.M

[OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2), second-in-command of the elite INRA Snark Squadron from 3128 to 3155, has died on [PlL2(F edge), aged 176. The cause of death is not yet known, but it is believed that Commander [OoL1(LFmL2,[FfL2) had been suffering for some time from Implant rejection problems aggravated by wounds received during the Thargoid War.

[OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) joined the Federation Navy at the age of 17, and was recruited to INRA after graduating top of [SlL1("his","her") intake. Assigned to the elite Snark Squadron, [SlL1("he","she") quickly rose to the rank of wingleader after the unit sustained heavy losses at Zaonce, one of the first major 'set piece' battles of the war, with more than sixty human and Enemy ships taking part. Commander [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2)'s courage and expertise played no small part in the successes of the squadron, and was powerfully depicted in the popular sensidrama "The Aggressors", in which the part of Commander [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) was realised by [SlL1("his","her") clone great-great-semicousin, the sensi-player [OoL2([FmL2,[FfL2). Commander [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) was credited with eighty-seven confirmed "kills", including four Thargoid motherships. After the cessation of hostilities, [SlL1("he","she") was transferred to the INRA Strategic Science Unit, where [SlL1("he","she") continued to serve until [SlL1("his","her") death.

FLARE, FLARE! WHAT A SCORCHER!

S.L.A.M

Settlers on the planet New Australia (known to its inhabitants as Lenin) orbiting the type M Flare star YZ Canis Minoris, had a nasty shock last month when their star went variable. According to scientists, the stellar output of the orange subgiant increased by more than 15% over a two-week period, raising the planet's 22 degree surface temperature by more than twenty-five degrees globally. Plans for the Mister New Australia 'body beautiful' competition had to be hurriedly cancelled

"Those musclemen were just wilting in the heat", said competition organizer Drax Solus - and sales of sunblock and climate-conditioning units more than doubled. The star has now returned to normal, but scientists say it could flare up again, so if you're visiting Newtown or Chekovville, we suggest you follow the example of local girl Mira Cepheid (photo opposite) and discard all non-essential clothing. Now there's a heavenly body that could really raise your temperature!

NO TRUTH IN ENAYEX FAMINE RUMOURS

S.L.A.M

The Directorate of Public Health yesterday officially denied rumours concerning the alleged food shortages on [SyG1(Impmine). Imperial citizens living on [PlG1(Impmine) have voluntarily agreed to take part in an austerity program which has been devised by the Surgeon General, Doctor Hannibal Crippen-Mengel in the interests of public health.

"Food production in recent years has been so high," explained Doctor Crippen-Mengel, "that citizens have often exceeded their recommended caloric intake. Accordingly, we proposed a dietary programme designed to restore optimal body weight and condition, and this has been unanimously and enthusiastically adopted by the entire population."

The Imperial Herald deplores in the strongest terms the attempts made by enemies of the Empire to present this far-sighted and beneficial public programme in a negative light. The maliciousness and falsehood of these rumours is still more evident when it is considered that [PlG1(Impmine)'s was among the major contributors to the Imperial Charitable Aid programme, which delivers surplus stocks of food and other essentials to less-developed planets which do not yet enjoy the benefits of Imperial rule.

DIRECTOR RESIGNS AS EMPIRE ROBS DELTA TO PAY TAU

S.L.A.M

The director of the Food Services division of the giant [CrL1 Corporation has taken early retirement following allegations that he had received bribes from members of the Imperial Family in exchange for preferment in food supply contracts.

Aides to director V.U. Buffay Delamaird, denied strenuously that his withdrawal had been in any way connected with the allegations, and cited instead health and personal concerns as the reasons for his decision. His replacement has not yet been named. The [CrL1 Corporation has been heavily criticised for its dealings with the Empire, which is alleged to be carrying out a punitive programme against rebellious planets by engineered food shortages.

A report from the human rights organization Amnesty Interstellar claims that [CrL1Co has been buying food originally produced on [SyG1(Impmine), which is currently in the grip of a severe famine. The deal is alleged to have netted several prominent members of the Imperial Household, including Crown Prince Harry, personal profits in excess of a one billion credits. The Imperial press continues to deny rumours of famine, and yesterday described the Amnesty report as "an intricate and malicious tissue of lies". [Zz(1)

ALIENS ATE MY BEWICK'S!

S.L.A.M

Rare animal collector [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) of Bigg's Colony (Altair) was startled on his return home to discover that the pride of his collection, a rare Earth bird called a Bewick's swan, had disappeared. Close investigation of the premises of his 8,000 hectare private zoo revealed nothing but a few feathers and a patch of disturbed grass.

The mystery was only resolved the following day, when local vet [OoL3([FmL4,[FfL4) was called out to attend Dolbison's two Rigelian vinemonkeys, semi-sentient carnivores from Cooperworld (Aymiay). The vinemonkeys were found to be suffering from protein shock after eating the swan, and had to be put down. [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) is now said to be looking for an even rarer creature, the Quito Herfurari, to console himself.

INRA PATROL FAILS TO CONFIRM 'THARGOID' SIGHTINGS

S.L.A.M

INRA scout ships operating near the Northern Edge returned to base after failing to find any trace of unidentified starships reported by free traders. Reports had reached officials on [SyR(F edge) of sightings of vehicles which did not outwardly conform to known human types, and there is concern in the sector over the number of ships which have gone missing in the area during the past two years.

An INRA spokesman was keen to play down any fears of renewed conflict or the reappearance of the feared Thargoids. "We have no reason to believe that Thargoid forces are operating anywhere in human space. INRA combat vehicles were despatched as a purely precautionary measure and, despite the use of advanced detection equipment, failed to detect anything which could indicate a Thargoid presence. The small number of reports that have reached us speak only of 'unidentified' vehicles, and examination of digital recordings made by witnesses has not revealed any of the emission signatures characteristic of Thargoid craft.

Until we have any evidence to the contrary, we must presume that the human victories of the 3150s were conclusive." The INRA task force will remain in the sector to carry out training and antipiracy operations.

INFERENCE OF THARGOID MENTAL PROCESSES FROM COMBAT RECORDS

S.L.A.M

By cross-indexing variables extracted from combat records of both human and Thargoid space vehicles with brain patterns and personality profiles of human pilots, scientists at the Alien Studies Institute (Alioth) have constructed what they claim to be an accurate model of Thargoid mental processes.

The model, constructed by a multidisciplinary team of human scientists and artificial intelligences, has so far been verified only by using it to regenerate combat maneuver sequences and tactical decisions, but a press release issued by the centre claims that the model reproduces observed behaviour with better than 99% accuracy. Former combat pilots asked to engage the model in simulated dogfights report that it responds convincingly.

"It felt just like bug-busting all over again. That thing flies like a Thargoid and it attacks like a Thargoid." said one veteran.

Critics of the experiment have suggested that the team, led by Professor Stefano Martinengo and Dr Gianna Cerri of the Federal Academy on Lee (Epsilon Indi), have invalidated their experimental results by the way in which they selected the parameters for extraction.

"Simulating Thargoid behaviour is not difficult. Any VR-game manufacturer can do as much," said Dr Joseph Andrews of the Alien Studies Institute (Alioth).

"It will take more than that to convince me that Martinengo's team have any real new insights into what made the Thargoids tick, buzz and whir."

The experimenters remain optimistic, however, and hope that simulations using their model may perhaps reveal something of the reasons behind the Thargoids' dramatic defeat and subsequent disappearance.

ANOTHER BORDER VIOLATION AT [SyG1(disput)

S.L.A.M

Starships of the Imperial Border Patrol at [SyG1(disput) clashed yesterday with Federation ships that had illegally entered Imperial space. No shots were fired, and the intruders quickly turned tail when confronted with the numerically smaller but technologically superior Imperial detachment.

This latest incident conforms to a pattern of provocation on the part of the Federation, which appears to feel itself now free to disregard the agreements concerning [SyG1(disput) signed at [PlL1(2) less than two years ago. The Imperial ambassador at [PlG1(disput) has protested formally to the Federation authorities.

IMPERIAL CRUISERS THREATEN SCIENTIFIC MISSION

S.L.A.M

A three-ship scientific expedition operating in the recognised neutral zone at [SyG1(disput) was yesterday forced to withdraw from the zone by Imperial warships operating beyond the limits of their own agreed zone.

Although the research vessels were clearly within neutral space, they were forced to cut short their mission and retire in response to the aggressive conduct of the Imperial pilots, who repeatedly 'buzzed' the unarmed Federation craft. A protest has been issued on behalf of the Ministry of Science by the Ambassador at [PlG1(disput).

RENEWED IMPERIAL-FEDERATION TENSION AT [SyG1(disput)

S.L.A.M

Tensions continue to run high at [SyG1(disput), with both sides up to their usual tricks. In the latest incident, Federation spy ships clashed with Imperial fighters somewhere inside the orbit of [PlG1(disput), the mineral-rich planet that lies at the centre of the grudgingly-agreed neutral zone.

Independent observers suggest that the encounter took place just outside the 1.2AU radius that marks the limits of Imperial space in the system, although it appears that the Federation vessels may have been leaving the Imperial-controlled zone when challenged.

Exact determination of the treaty boundaries within the system has become increasingly difficult due to unexplained inaccuracies in the data transmitted by navigation beacons in the system. Traders operating in [SyG1(disput) are advised to exercise caution, both with respect to the possibility of being caught up in hostilities, and on account of the increasing unreliability of navigation and positioning aids maintained by both the Federation and the Empire at [SyG1(disput).

BOFFINS CAN'T COUNT, SAY IMPIE STARBUSTERS

S.L.A.M

Hot-shot Imperial pilot [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) (26 standard years, green eyes, black hair, A++ handsome, pansexual) sneered at Fed claims that [SlL1("his","her") Elite starfighter squadron had been out of bounds when they tackled Federation intruders at [SyG1(disput).

"These so-called scientists couldn't find the dance-floor in a slam-funk-rock club." [SlL1("he","she") told us yesterday.

We don't know who's right, but our Post-Editing Department voted [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) the star buster they'd most like to have patrolling their borders. Way to go, Commander!

[SyG1(disput) CONFLICT CONTINUES

S.L.A.M

Worrying spectre of tampering looms in [SyG1(disput) conflict. An independent study of reported innacuracies in data transmitted by navigation beacons in [SyG1(disput) has raised the possibility that the cause may have been deliberate tampering with the beacon units.

Starships generally navigate by reference to distant astronomical objects whose position is known - such as quasars and bright stars - but in populated systems astronomical navigation methods are supplemented by positioning information transmitted by orbital stations and navigation beacons. Deliberate alteration of the signals transmitted by these beacons would clearly endanger civilian traffic, so that even in wartime most combatants have tended to respect the navigation infrastructure maintained by the Independent Astronautical Authority.

An IAA spokesman yesterday described the Implications of the study team's report as "deeply worrying", but declined to point the finger at either the Empire or the Federation, calling attention instead to the report's conclusion that beacons maintained by both sides showed similar inaccuracies. Both the Empire and the Federation have hotly denied suggestions of tampering, and stressed that their own investigations into the cause of the errors are continuing. [Zz(1)

CONGRATULATIONS - IT'S AN ANDROID!

S.L.A.M

For about the past ten centuries or so, expectant parents have seldom needed to wait until the moment of birth to discover the sex of their child. Modern medical science has advanced to the point that even when the child has been conceived naturally, it is possible to determine accurately after as little as eight weeks, not merely the sex of the child but also skin, hair and eye colour, susceptibility to genetic diseases, and even its earned point average during its first year at university, probable career choice and likely starting salary. Nevertheless, scientists at [PlL1(C) yesterday celebrated a first with the successful birth of the first human infant to undergo in utero Implantation of synthetic components. The infant, born to a trio of asteroid miners, was conceived without proper medical supervision, and ran the risk of being born with a rare congenital heart defect.

Doctors at the University Medical Hospital in [CiL1(C) opted to try a novel nanosurgery technique to install replacement synthetic heart valves in the growing fetus. The technique had been practiced on simulacra, but had never been tried with a human patient before.

The birth was uneventful, and mother and child are both doing well.

WHAT'S BUGGING YOU, BIRTHDAY BOY?

S.L.A.M

Workmates of [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) thought that they'd got the perfect birthday surprise for their friend when they ordered a Tharg-o-Gram for [SlL1("him","her") to help him celebrate [SlL1("his","her") hundred and first birthday.

Unfortunately, [OoL3([FmL4,[FfL4) (52) was new at the job, and - wearing [SlL3("his","her") Thargoid suit - wandered the hallways of the Fourmi de Lierre Arcology on [PlR for over an hour before finding the Vapona residence.

In the meantime, alert neighbours had called the police, so that when [OoL3([FmL4,[FfL4) burst into the apartment with a shout of "Happy anniversary, alien scum!" [SlL3("he","she") was met with a volley of laser fire.

"Next time I think I'll knock first, and say who I am." said Gregor from [SlL3("his,"her") bed in the Serious Burns Unit at [CiR(C) Hospital.

BACK TO EARTH WITH A LUMP, AS NULL-G FROLICS GO WRONG

S.L.A.M

[OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) (197 standard years) is suing the Club 180-300 holiday company for injuries sustained during the course of a zero-G recreation period.

Owing to an error, Club 180-300 employees assumed that the darkened zero-G cell in which [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) and [SlL1("his","her") companion of the moment were enjoying the thrills of weightlessness was not in use, and restored gravity, plunging the couple to the floor below. [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2), who sustained severe bruising (see holograph), cut short [SlL1("his","her") holiday and returned to Earth to initiate legal action against the company and its owners.

THORIUM PEACE' IN "REWARD FOR RELATIVES" ROW

S.L.A.M

The Prosecutor-General on [PlL3(A) has opened an investigation into allegations that members of the nuke-rock group 'Thorium Peace' offered money in exchange for members of a local religious sect.

According to reports, lead singer [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) urged fans to "sell us your relatives, anyone you don't need. We'll pay double for anyone wearing a religious symbol." before biting the head off a robot on stage.

Robot rights groups and fundamentalist members of the local Deformed Mesopotamian Church joined in condemning the group and calling for legal action to be taken against the promoters of the current tour.

Nemillah, 87, was unrepentant.

"It was just a bit of fun." [SlL1("he","she")asserted from his suite in the Maximum Security wing of the [CiL3(A) Hilt-Inn. "Anyway, religious groups should be persecuted from time to time, otherwise they forget what they believe in."

SLAVE RIGHTS AGITATOR DIES

S.L.A.M

[OoG1([FmG2,[FfG2), speaker for the banned Emancipation Movement at Bessport on [PlG3(I) died yesterday in hospital, despite the efforts of top Imperial surgeons who fought tirelessly to save [SlG1("him","her").

The cause of death was apparently a rare disease, which manifested itself while [OoG1([FmG2,[FfG2) was meeting with Imperial officials at police headquarters to discuss the status of [SlG1("his","her") organization. A hospital spokesman praised quick-thinking police officials who sealed off the building to avoid any risk of contamination before rushing [OoG1([FmG2,[FfG2) to hospital.

Happily, tests quickly confirmed that the disease was not contagious, and none of the officers who had been talking to the victim when [SlG1("he","she") fell ill had been exposed to any risk of infection.

[OoG4([FmG5,[FfG5), the deceased's life companion yesterday publicly thanked those involved for their efforts to save [SlG4("his","her") partner's life, which was described as "a shining example of the generosity and justice with which the servants of the Empire treat even those whose political misconceptions place them outside the mainstream of Imperial society" adding that [SlG1("his","her") purpose in voluntarily visiting police headquarters had been to clarify some remarks that made earlier which might have been misinterpreted as being critical of Imperial policy.

ANOTHER DEATH IN CAPTIVITY; JOURNALIST IN FLIGHT TO FEDERATION

S.L.A.M

The "Frontier News" journalist [OoG4([FmG5,[FfG5) arrived yesterday at [PlG3(I) with [SlG4("his","her") close family after escaping from the Empire using false identities.

The reporter's nightmare began on Tuesday when an Imperial Security team arrested [SlG4("his","her") friend and colleague, the emancipation activitist [OoG1([FmG2,[FfG2) who later died in police custody, most probably as a result of injuries sustained during interrogation.

This latest death brings to twelve the number of people known to have died in custody on [PlG3(I) in the last six standard months. An Imperial communique claimed that the victim had died of an unspecified illness, which certainly makes an interesting change from [SlG1("his","her") predecessors, who succumbed variously to the notoriously unsafe stairs in police headquarters, mysterious traffic accidents or the inexplicable urge to conduct experiments in man-powered flight from the roofs of tall buildings.

The Imperial claim that those who disagree with Imperial policy are of genetically inferior stock is given some plausibility by the fact that so many dissidents appear to have difficulty remembering to look both ways when crossing the transbelt, but we can't help wondering what disease could have struck down the apparently healthy citizen quite so suddenly and at such an inopportune moment.[Zz(1,2,3)

BULLETIN BOARD ABUSERS SENTENCED TO HARD LABOUR

S.L.A.M

[OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) and [OoL3([FmL4,[FfL4), two Riedquatian lawyers who thought they'd come up with the perfect advertising dodge, were yesterday sentenced to ten years hard labour each, at the [PlL(A) high court.

The scheme invented by [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) and [OoL3([FmL4,[FfL4) involved infiltrating messages advertising their services into private and public mailboxes on the independent bulletin board trading system.

The message was relayed via the Interstellar subspace communications network to an estimated nine thousand systems, and consumed approximately 4% of the available transmission bandwidth over a period of several weeks. [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) and [OoL3([FmL3,[FfL3) will serve their sentence on [PlL4(5), where temperatures can drop as low as 198 degrees Centigrade at night, and the local parasites have adapted admirably to human hosts.

The editorial staff would like to join with all those subscribers whose copies of "Frontier News" arrived late as a result of [OoL1([FmL2,[FfL2) and [OoL3([FmL3,[FfL3)'s little pranks in wishing the Arc Suit lawyers a very pleasant stay in their new home.

MATHEMATICAL PROOF CLAIMED FOR 'OCTA-WAVE' THEORY

S.L.A.M

One popular theory proposed to account for the sudden appearance and equally sudden disappearance of the Thargoids received - in the eyes of its supporters at least - a renewed boost recently with the publication of a mathematical model purporting to confirm the predictions made by the theory.

The 'octa-wave' theory, like many others, begins from the observation that no Thargoid home planet has been discovered, and proposes that the Thargoids are a migratory species making their home in deep space. The model claims to support the central idea of the theory, namely that the Thargoid vessels encountered in human space were merely one vertex of a vast octagonal array of migrating ships slowly rotating its way through our galaxy.

According to the theory, it is possible that other parts of the migration may in their turn pass through human space, with, no doubt, dire consequences. Professor Ghesrabeen's analysis seems compelling, but other scientists remain unconvinced.

"If I postulated as many missing data points as he does, and applied half as much computer time, I could give you convincing proof that the Thargoids were writing out the lyrics to Jjagged Bbanner's 'Zirconium Stardrive' in letters six parsecs tall." said one.

COLONY SHIP DETECTED

S.L.A.M

Astronomers using Excessively Long Baseline Interferometry (ELBI) to conduct a survey of distant radio sources believe that they may have detected the "Mayflower 97" slower-than-light colony ship, which was launched from orbit around Luna in 2097.

ELBI remains a somewhat inexact science, because receiving stations are placed so far apart that considerations of simultaneity become an issue in interpreting the results, but the patterns received by the Distant Radio Survey group do indeed appear to show radio emissions characteristic of a Bussard ramjet moving with a relativistic velocity of almost 60% of the speed of light. The "Mayflower 97" carried nearly a thousand passengers and crew, plus domestic animals and extensive gene banks to aid in the colonisation of Earth-like worlds which were presumed to exist around nearby stars.

Archaeological evidence suggests that it did indeed successfully reach its first port of call at Tau Ceti, but the fate of both ship and crew thereafter was unknown until now.

The ship's tremendous speed in real space makes it Impractical to attempt a rendezvous, so the "Mayflower" will presumably be left to continue on its way, bearing with it any descendants of its original complement.

FEVER OUTBREAK UNDER CONTROL

S.L.A.M

Federation medical teams sent to [PlG1(F edge) ([SyG1(F edge)) believe that they have now successfully contained a dangerous outbreak of Sohalian fever, and the number of new cases being reported is declining steadily.

No exact figures are available for the number of people who died before the intervention of the specialists, but it is believed that it may have been in the tens of thousands. [CiG1(F edge) on [PlG1(F edge) is still under quarantine, and visitors to any other city on the planet will be required to undergo medical screening before being allowed to leave.

Starship captains are reminded that the local Federation naval authorities are required to enforce quarantine, and that no person or vessel will be permitted to leave the system without completing full decontamination procedures.

WASTING FEVER LEAVES [CiG1(F edge) A GHOST CITY

S.L.A.M

In contrast to optimistic official reports issued by the Federation, eyewitnesses painted a horrific picture of the devastation caused by an outbreak of Sohalian fever on [PlG1(F edge). The origins of the present outbreak are still unknown, but unofficial estimates suggest that the death toll may be as high as three hundred thousand.

The Federation authorities reacted swiftly to initial reports of the disease, Imposing a complete news blackout and martial law and grounding all starships landed at the time.

Travellers from [CiG1(F edge), where the disease was first reported, were placed under medical confinement or sent back to the local Federal civic headquarters. Credible reports suggest that initially at least the disease was allowed to run its course, and that Federation medical teams did not intervene until forty-eight hours after the first reported cases.

One source commented "The reason that no new cases have been reported is because there's practically no one left to infect in the entire system."

Observers also speak of Federation shock troops being used to enforce quarantine, and of running battles between the elite units and elements of the local militia that attempted to oppose the seizure of transport and communications hubs.

MEDICAL PROCEDURES VIOLATED ON [PlG1(F edge)

S.L.A.M

Officials of the Independent Centre for Disease Control criticised the Federation authorities of [PlG1(F edge) yesterday for failing to observe standard procedures for handling an outbreak of a Severity 9 infectious disease.

Standard practise requires that the ICDC be informed within twelve hours of the first reported case of any disease classified as Severity 7 or above, but reports of the outbreak of Sohalian fever on [PlG1(F edge) did not reach the ICDC for nearly three days, by which time Federation medics had already been sent in.

The ICDC was also investigating allegations that no medical assistance was sent to the site of the first outbreak until forty-eight hours after positive identification of the disease, although quarantine procedures were apparently enforced immediately. Sohalian fever has broken out three times since it was first observed on [Pl(I edge), where it killed more than six million people.

Conditions on [PlG1(F edge) and the rapid response of the Federation authorities appear to have prevented the spread of the disease, but the final death toll is expected to be in the hundreds of thousands. [Zz(1)

AUTOMUTAGENIC EFFECT CITED TO EXPLAIN WASTING FEVER LETHALITY

S.L.A.M

Researchers at the Independent Centre for Disease Control yesterday released details of the process by which parasites causing Sohalian fever are believed to acquire resistance to antibodies in the human immune system. One of the most dangerous features of the disease is that it appears to be caused not by a single parasite, but by a trio of related organisms, whose rapid mutation rate renders effective innoculation strategies difficult.

According to the ICDC, the organisms may in fact mutate in response to toxins generated in the bloodstream by parasites killed by the immune system. This fits well with the observed symptoms of the disease, in which a mild fever - caused by the initial infection - gives way to the more virulent form of the disease as the parasites evolve towards more lethal variants.

"The irony is," says Dr Walter Holland of ICDC, "that a person with no immunity to the disease may be better off than someone who has developed immunity. If the theory is correct, innoculation may practically amount to a death sentence for the person innoculated."

SPACE ME - ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

S.L.A.M

Laserlight'n'neutron-rock'n'vibesvibesvibes and youknowwhereitsat its likehappeningman uh huh uh huh simul-teeny-us rip bop rock'n'stop shake it too utterly cosmic for words pictures sounds media total media did we mention the media media overload with raw sex cerebral stimulation its a gas gas gas the total soman experience canyouhandleit canyouhandleit its the nazz media overload snow white not sensory deprivation but sensory depravation no way slam funk Big Bang rock-sounds know where i'm coming from totaltimespacetrip big cosmic sharkout with koolvibes language abuse totally cruel and left extraposition with deep structure and fricative shift cantstayaway youknowitmakessense awesome transgalactic linkup betterthanlive tickets ONLY fiftyninecredits eightynine with drugsex option guaranteed hipraunch totally space me. (This announcement void where prohibited by law).

"I MARRIED A ROBOT" SAYS MOTHER OF TWO

S.L.A.M

Karelia Capek (46 standard years) had a nasty shock when she came home unexpectedly from her work as a gene sorter at Helix Industries - she found hubby Rossum in bed with a mains adaptor. The cheating mechanoid admitted that he had lied to her. Despite his human appearance, Rossum was actually a robot, built over a hundred years ago by Wollstonecraft Industries of [PlR(C).

"I never suspected a thing." sobbed Karelia afterwards, "although I did think it strange that he seemed to slip into a coma on our honeymoon, and spent the rest of the week huddled up to the shaver socket in the bathroom." "I did it for love." confessed Rossum. "Human females have an attraction for me that my own kind can never have." "I still love him." admitted Karelia. "but I can't live with him now that I know his secret."

A-MAZE-ING!

J.J.

Yoke-like substance was observed to adorn the features of Maldus Achiutti, head of Ecosec Inc, employed to advise on security to the Curators of the Lost Gardens of Antipi-Hymbos, Wicca's World (Alioth). For, while discussions were under way last week, thieves removed the famous Hymbos Maze, renowned throughout the universe as the location for the historic Emerald Treaty.

Law enforcement agencies from Argent's Claim are stymied by the heist which involved decoding an encrypted security wall, evading patrolling cyberguards and removing fifteen kilometres of maze-hedging while leaving the surrounding hedge-shield intact. And all this during the seven hour night.

The investigators are to issue recovery contracts to a private investigation agency accredited by the all of the known galactic powers.

But anyone spotting a rogue maze floating about the galaxy - contact us first. Rewards offered include a plexiglass patio complete with hanging baskets and an Astrocroquet lawn with optional herbaceous borders. (Not stolen).

ANTI-POPE TO VISIT GRAHAMHURST

J.J.

Consternation was expressed by many of the delegates to the Annual Federal Theological Synod at the news that Decius Torquemadoc, the Gnostolic Antipope is due to land at Lomasport, Aymiay, later this week to join their deliberations.

The Synod, held traditionally at Grahamhurst University, has not yet included the Gnostolic Anti-religion in their Inventory of Recognised Faiths and Gnostolicism has for long been black-listed by the clerical orders.

It is thought that major demonstrations are being planned by leading clerics to greet the arrival of the Antipope. However, Admiral Bentley, together with an escort of Naval Cruisers has been dispatched from Alpha to prevent the kind of blood letting seen at last year's Synod when the Enthralled Cenobites of Epsilon clashed with the Moderate Chapter of the Two Day Adventists.

EMPEROR ENDORSES HAGIOGICS

J.J.

His most exalted Excellency, Hengist Duval, Protector of the Peace, Friend of the Victims of Crime, Hard on the Causes of Crime, yesterday attended the plenary session of the High Protectorate and graciously accepted the application by the Hagiogic League of Investigation for patronage and conferred His approval. Hagiogics, a branch of interrogation hitherto forbidden by Imperial edict, has recently seen improvements in its operation and its mind-altering side effects are now reduced to His Excellency's satisfaction. It is understood that the League may now tender for the Aliothan contract to investigate the mysterious disappearance of the Hymbos Maze from Wicca's World (Alioth). Naturally, with His Excellency's endorsement and the proven effectiveness of the Hagiogic method, we conclude that the Maze will be returned to its natural habitat by the League with all possible celerity.

IMPERIAL U-TURN

J.J.

Amongst Federal Law Enforcement agencies today, dismay greeted the announcement that the Empire has unexpectedly endorsed the charter of the Hagiogic League of Investigation. Angry crowds protesting against Hagiogics surrounded a branch of the League's offices on Taylor's Colony (Tau Ceti). Police dispersed them after fires broke out.

Yanni Grudazdse, head of Ecodet, (sister company to Ecosec whose Aliothan operations have recently been interrupted by the theft of the Hymbos ) was quoted as follows: "Hagiogics, even with recent improvements, still pose a major threat to the liberty and sanity of the organic individual. No reputable detective agency dreams of using this method and no responsible client considers employing those who do."

It is confirmed that Ecodet heads the list of licensed private agencies who are tendering for the million -credit contract to recover the Maze for its Curators.

IMPERIAL AIDE EATEN BY OWN LINGLANG

J.J.

Sources in Facece report that Prince Aristide de Lavigny, up to recently a close advisor to the Emperor Hengist Duval, was yesterday eaten by a pet linglang in the gardens of his home on Lake Parisot, Topaz.

The linglang, a giant carnivorous sloth-like creature, is a native of New America, Zeessze, and of generally placid nature except when ravenous. It is suggested that its dietary needs had been neglected by its keeper and the animal attacked and consumed its owner in a fit of hunger. Though imported animals are illegal on Topaz, Prince de Lavigny held licences from the Emperor for a menagerie which included the linglang. The menagerie is now dismembered, the neglectful keeper under interrogation and the linglang has been euthanased.

EMPEROR DECREES DAY OF MOURNING

J.J.

His most exalted Excellency, Hengist Duval has graciously declared an Imperial day of mourning to commemorate the sudden demise of His trusted and esteemed advisor, Prince Aristide de Lavigny. Prince de L., who retired from a most honourable career at the Imperial Diplomatic Court earlier this year met with a mysterious accident at his home on Lake Parisot, Topaz.

Speculation is rife that Federal agents were responsible for subverting members of his staff who subsequently engineered the Prince's death. Captain Grieg of the Imperial Guard has been dispatched from Capitol to investigate the circumstances.

The Prince's empty coffin will lie in state in the Capitoline Memorial as a mark of respect and visitors wishing to view it are advised to apply in triplicate to the Imperial Funerary Department.

WHO DUNNIT ?

J.J.

Diplomatic relations between the Empire and Federation are strained this week as controversy rages over the recent death of Emperor Duval's aide, Aristide de Lavigny at his retreat on Topaz, Facece. While initially thought to have been accidentally eaten by a pet linglang, it now appears, from different allegations, that the guy was either murdered by Federation agents disguised as gardeners or knocked off and then fed to the linglang by Facecian agents sent to assassinate him by the Emperor himself.

Either way, we feel it was hard on the linglang who was shot without trial. Haydon Gobbo, the Lainlan wit was overheard observing that Lavigny's empty coffin now lying in state in the Capitoline Memorial would be better filled with the linglang's body since at least that way, Aristide might get a proper funeral.

MAENADS SCOOP PRIZE

J.J.

Private nosies all over the systems have been whining today over the awarding of the Maze Contract to rank outsiders Maenad Investigation Agency. Edge-dwellers, amongst whom we include ourselves, are privately triumphant that one of our own have landed this lucrative prize.

The MIA, based at Wheelhead (Essfafa) also has links with Enaness and employs a number of ex-naval pilots in their investigative team. Ear-to-the-ground info suggests that Commander Divas Segondli will head the team sent to Wicca's World. She it was, if you can remember that far back, who solved the Softmine Case two years ago on Essowa and brought the pirate Bad John Goldberg back for trial.

Looks like Divas might be eligible for our Croquet lawn offer.

CELEBRATED DANCER TO VISIT YORKVILLE

J.J.

Signora Mia Felicita is to break her Federal Tour with an unscheduled performance at the Gynotol Stadium at Yorkville, Ackwada.

The Signora's fame is based on her superb mastery of the hover-ballet form which has brought her critical accolades from Imperial and Federal balletomanes alike. Over the past weeks, she has been performing to packed stadia across the systems accompanied only by a single century of her Aero-choir, the Technicians of Shaped Light - her company of hologramatic artistes - and the music of Jjagged Bbanner.

Her programme consists of two halves - the first entitled 'Agony', a searing interpretation of the horrors of war - and the second: 'Reconstruction', a depiction of the re-birth of planetary endeavour. Audiences across the Federation have been rendered speechless and overwhelmed after her ten-hour performances.

THE GLOSSUP COLUMN - DIVA DIVAS TO MAZE DIVE

J.J.

So, friends, Divas is the lucky girl for the Maze Run! Though some of you may recall her featuring not so luckily in these pages in past days. For, while her head may be simply egg-shaped, her dress sense has been savaged by yours truly once before after that run-in she had with dishy Bad John G.!

Meanwhile. our researchers have come up with a titbit about Maenads. Did you know they were some kind of wild-woman-cats on Old Earth in our distant-est past?

Sounds good to me. I can't help but say our Diva's hair could do with taming and as for the shapeless one-piece tank-suit the Maenads favour, we deem it wildly third millenial! -

So come on, Maenads, let a little style-guile shape your savvy!

NOTORIOUS CRIMINAL SPOTTED

J.J.

Commander Joe Tillerton whose private navigator's school, Tilstar, is based on Ackcanphi, has reported the theft of his Mark Three Cobra while visiting Trojan, Eta Cassiopoeia.

What causes alarm amongst law officers from Achenar through to the Outer Edge is that the thief's identity has been confirmed as Klavdia Malin, the Empire renegade and pirate whose sensational escape from Grant's Claim Prison Colony was reported several months ago. Tillerton asserts that he spotted Malin and an accomplice hanging around the repair depot at Hector Spaceport and while alerting security to their presence accidentally left his craft inadequately sealed.

A working mechanic then deposes she saw the loiterers enter the cruiser and abduct it.

Members of the local Imperial Guard detachment have been invited to join in the investigation into these events.

SACRED PINNACLE VANISHES

J.J.

Speculation was running rampant throughout the Galaxy today as news filtered through of the sudden disappearance of the Holy Pinnacle of KumByar from its mountain on Peter's Eden, Arexack. Violent and acrimonious attacks have broken out between the two different cult factions of the Church of KumByar - known colloquially as the Hairies and the Hairless - each accusing the other of kidnapping the two kilometre-high pinnacle and concealing it for purposes of secret worship.

Sources report that Commander Divas Segondli, the Maenad detective, is hurrying to Axerack to discover whether terra forming equipment has been used in the Pinnacle's removal as it was in the case of the Hymbos Maze, fuelling suggestions that the two disappearances are the work of one gang.

INFAMY PERPETRATED

J.J.

His Exalted Majesty, the Emperor Hengist Duval has indicated today his extreme displeasure on being informed of the extraordinary disappearance of the Triumphian Road.

As all on Capitol know, this road is one of the earliest constructed on our homeworld and is traditionally the route by which His Excellency enters the capitol at the conclusion of any one of His glorious victories.

Now we grieve to see that only a trench in the ground remains where once the granolite flagstones and illustrious statues of past Emperors graced its twelve kilometre length. Luckily, the thieves omitted to remove the execution podia which are spaced at regular intervals along the way so that His Excellency will not be incommoded by the inconvenience of having others constructed.

Thanks are also given that the statue of our present Supreme Leader which was due to be inaugurated within the year remains safely in the workshop of Kynsama Pan, His Excellency's chosen sculptor.

STAR BOOT SALE

J.J.

The word is out around the Edge that Kape and Jarnessy, those engaging Lainlan entrepreneurs, are intending to hold another of their Star Boot Sales at a date to be yet decided.

Our Scouts report the selected venue as Tombstone (Bevergre) - a world at suitable distance, no doubt, from both Imperial scrutiny and Federal interference alike. Their compatriot, the wit, Haydon Gobbo, is rumoured to have been lured by one of Kape's unrefuseable offers into consenting to appear as mediator and we confidently predict that, if this is the case, Tombstone's in for the party to end all parties!

Finally, for those intending to attend, Jarnessy has issued the usual reminders. Hardware will not be looked at. Warranties for soft goods must not be more than two years out of date. Those caught hocking phony of counterfeit wares are banned permanently. Fights to be settled off world.

And somebody remember to bring the Caledonian whisky this time.

ROAD TAKES A WALK

J.J.

Sources close to the Imperial Court report red faces all round this week after a spate of burglaries has severely embarrassed the Duval Dynasty, rendering the Emperor speechless with rage.

For all their vaunted security measures, neither the Imperial Guard nor their police services have been able to prevent the abduction of a long section of the Triumphian Road leading into the city centre of Capitol. This, together with a large number of Imperial portrait-statues went mysteriously missing early last week, causing heads to roll amongst the Guard echelons and confounding their superiors. Imagine their increased frustration when it was discovered two days later that the portrait-statue of the Emperor had likewise been removed from its studio where it was awaiting its installation and has, presumably, joined the Triumphan Road in its unknown travels.

Our spy now informs us that a night-and-day guard has been set on various of the beauty spots of Capitol which the Emperor thinks might prove attractive to a dedicated landscape-rustler.

FATAL ACCIDENT AT STADIUM

J.J.

Federal ballet lovers bowed their heads in mourning this week after the news filtered through from Yorkville (Ackwada) of the fatal accident sustained by celebrated hover-ballerina, Signora Mia Felicita.

Reports suggest that as a result of gyrophonic failure the air banks used to support the dancer's weight proved too insubstantial and Signora Felicita, only three hours into her first half, plummeted to her death in the audience below. Sadly, it is understood that three members of the audience were also killed in this tragedy since the Signora's costume was of great size and heavily sewn with acubium crystals designed to catch the light.

Amongst the dead, co-incidentally, was included Mr Duke Mastopolos of Mastopolos Mining Inc, Signora Felicita's former patron and the organiser of the performance.

The Times would like to extend its condolences to the dancer's family and to all ballet-lovers throughout the Systems.

EMPEROR WELCOMES VISITORS

J.J.

His exalted Excellency, the Emperor Hengist Duval, today magnanimously conferred an audience on Commander Divas Segondli, captain of the Maenad Investigation Team currently enquiring into the unusual disappearances of various geographical and civic phenomena, including the Triumphian Road, the Emperor's statue and the Three Coin Fountain. It is now decreed by His Excellency that M.I.A. shall be given every assistance in their investigation by his subjects and that Commander Segondli shall be allowed access to the relevant areas of Court.

The Emperor's previous edict with regard to the Hagiogic League has been rescinded after revelations of the extent of the brain damage sustained by two members of His Excellency's valued Administrative Staff. This occurred while the League were interrogating them concerning the circumstances surrounding the removal of the Three Coin Fountain.

Addendum. All previous remarks in this organ calling into question the efficiency and professionalism of the M.I.A. are hereby unequivocally withdrawn. It is understood that misrepresentations upon these were fallacious.

We therefore apologise to Commander Segondli and her organisation for our inadvertent opprobrium.

SWOOP FLUKE POOPS DUKE

J.J.

So - she's fallen off her perch at last!

Those of you who read other organs will by now have noted the sudden demise of that budgerigar of ballerinas - Mia Felicita - last seen swooping to her final pas seule amongst the ballet-gapers of Ackwada. And for those of you who don't savvy the lingo, 'pas seule' is how you say 'last bow' in balletese. Thanks to Georgie in Research for that one!

But before you all reach for your tear-moppers, spare a sigh for Duke Mastopolos, one-time bedfellow of the gorgeous Mia. For Duke, galactic industrialist and playboy, together with his current playgirl, Dee Obishi and her sister joined the jewelled aerobat in her dance of death when the luckless soloiste plunged down on top of them.

Uncharitable types might think it a pretty extreme way of taking revenge on two-timing Duke - BUT we reckon he finally got the bird!!

GRAHAMHURST STILL STANDING

J.J.

Order has finally been restored at Grahamhurst University, Cooperworld (Amiay) after three weeks of intense fighting between factions of the Theological Inventorial Inquisition. The Pan-nuministic Research Establishment is now in process of reconstruction and the incendiary fires which consumed the Senate House, lecture halls and refectories are successfully extinguished.

The Federal Theological Synod has for long been the annual scene of bitter recrimination and in-fighting between antipathetical galactic religions but this year, the uninvited arrival of Decius Torqumadoc the Gnostolic Antipope, sparked off demonstrations of unparalleled ferocity. Moreover the presence of a squadron of the FSS designed to damp down ill-feeling was judged to have exacerbated it. Admiral Bentley is now recovering back at Alpha.

The Synod was declared officially dissolved by its president, His Warmth, Frank Seely-Smythe, the Archmitre of the Church of Love, Extila and the application of the Gnostolic anti-faith to be included in the Synodic Inventory was unanimously accepted.

TINKER'S LUMP A WINNER

J.J.

This year the Interplanetary Gardening Fete is to be held in the huge agri-comples of Village Green, Anderton (Anlave). Competitors and horticulturalists from Liannack to Achenar are already arriving with their exhibits and a distinguishing panel of judges has been convened for this important event.

An entire agridome is set aside for the exhibitors from Quphieth who this year are bringing with them a licenced selection of the planimals for which their system is famous. It is thought this section will attract maximum interest since this is the first time any quantity of Quphiethan florna has been displayed off-world since the regrettable Doleviera incident. Strict quarantine arrangements and plexi-soundproofing have been applied to the enclosure for the benefit of planimal and visitor alike.

For those of us interested in potatoes this season promises a healthy crop of showings. Anlave itself has recently developed six new strains of which the potumpkin is the most exotic. But for the true seedsman look out for Tinker's Lump, a honey of a potatello. Grown in the claylands of Carter's World this little beauty displays colour, texture and bags of bottom. A natural winner in its class - it can be found in the Potatadome from tomorrow onwards. See you there!

SEGONDLI ON THE MOVE

J.J.

Excitement gripped Frontier news agencies today as the latest developments in what is being called the 'Great Landmark Heist' were revealed. These exotic burglaries now number thirteen in total and include suck universally famous items as the Hymbos Maze, the Triumphian Road on Capitol, the Sunshadow Cliffs of Topaz (Ayethi) and the Wreakin Castle of Alpha Centauri.

Reports state that Commander Segondli of M.I.A. deputed to retrieve the Maze has widened her remit to include the rest. She now possesses affidavits which prove that terra forming equipment has been purloined from a number of Terra-engineering companies over a period of two years. This she believes to be in the hands of ruthless gang of landmark rustlers whose intentions may be to hold the stolen sites to ransom.

Though she has not revealed her next move, the intergalactic community wait with baited breath for further developments. Divas was last seen heading for Taylor's Colony. Tau watchers, keep an eye out for Maenads!

INFAMY THWARTED

J.J.

It is with the greatest revulsion and disgust that the Herald is obliged to report the attempted assassination of our beloved Emperor Hengist Duval, 15th Emperor of the Galaxy, Defender of the Truth, Chevalier of Justice, Rod of Might, Fount of Mercy and Upholder of the Forty Two Unbreakable Laws, while he presided over the funeral rites of Prince de Lavigny in the Capitoline Memorial yesterday.

However, with abject gratitude for the prompt action of the Imperial Clone Troupers, we are supremely happy to be able to relate that His Ineffable Excellency escaped this dastardly attempt with nothing more than a trivial scratch.

Prayers are being offered up for this wound to heal quickly so that our Magnificent Emperor may once more turn the light of His unscathed countenance onto the more worthy business of his dominions. The two would-be assassins are now in custody and will be brought before the Imperial High Legislate to answer charges of High Treason at His Refulgent Excellency's convenience.

WHO IS THE ASSASSIN

J.J.

News has broken recently of an assassination attempt made last week on the life of Hengist Duval, Emperor of Achenar. Though efforts seem to have been made to hush up the circumstances surrounding this incident, information has leaked through to Inner Core news agencies which suggest that the assassins were members of Prince de Lavigny's family incensed by his recent death at the hands (or should we say at the teeth) of a rogue linglang.

Readers may remember the Empire's laughable insinuations that Federal operatives instigated this unfortunate occurrence but events are beginning to unfold which reveal a darker side to de Lavigny's death. It is now confirmed that both the Prince's sons, Paul and Thibault de Lavigny are being held for trial charged with High Treason and Attempted Regicide.

Earlier reports of the rupture between the Emperor and de Lavigny, previously one of the closest Imperial advisors, and the subsequent enforced retirement of the latter are now being re-examined.

Diplomatic mouths are sealed but Federalists are beginning to ask this question - why should de Lavigny's own sons attempt to kill their father's benefactor?

Just how clean are Imperial hands?

SEGONDLI'S LANDFALL

J.J.

Speculation that the super-dec Divas Segondli, in pursuit of the Hymbos Maze, was heading for Tau proved wildly inaccurate when the Commander and her team stepped onto the deck at Plymouth Spaceport three days ago. Next afternoon, while she was closeted in private confab with the Mothers at Mayflower, your roving reporter managed to interview Segondli's sidekick, Cat Svevo. Svevo - like most Maenads a pretty tough nut to crack - proved uncommunicative until we produced a bottle of Glen Halyconia. Even after a half-pint she refused to reveal more than that M.I.A. are interested in Landfall night life.

Reading between the lines, we wonder if that was a reference to the Landing Rock, Landfall's' most historic sight? For those of you unfamiliar with this place, the Landing rock is made out of mildly radioactive stone which glows in the dark. The local lepidoptera love it.

Has Divas got word that the rustlers are coming our way and does she aim to forestall them?

KUMBYAR AT IT AGAIN

J.J.

Sources on Peter's Eden (Arexack) disclose that building operations on a scale hitherto undreamed of are well under way across the planet. Following the disappearance of the Holy Pinnacle from Mount Abstinence, the Church of KumByar has chosen to disregard the Maenad supposition that those responsible for the abduction of the Hymbos Maze and the Triumphian Road have also made off with the Pinnacle. The religious schism between the Church's two branches - the Folliculars and the Anti-Flocculants - has deepened immeasurably with each side blaming the other for its absence. Violence has erupted in both the Sacred Cities.

The two church leaders, Their Magnificences the Right Holy Ssords Immacc II and Pilose III have mutually agreed to sanction a wall designed to divide the territories of the rival factions and this is now under manual construction. It is estimated that the twelve thousand kilometre wall will take over sixty years to complete and will be visible from Peter's Eden's moon.

RUSTLERS BRANCH OUT

J.J.

Following our last bulletin from Landfall, Wolf 630 we now reveal further developments in the exciting 'Landmark Heist'. Our on-the-spot correspondent, Phineas Mendosa, reports the sudden disappearance this week not only of the famous 'Mayflower Old Rock Cafe', one of the few night-spots on Landfall, but also of those daring inter-galactic gumshoes, the Maenads themselves.

The Cafe vanished four nights ago while undergoing refurbishment. Its secluded garden site outside Mayflower City limits leant itself to potential abduction and the fact that it was closed meant that there were no witnesses to observe its departure. Once the consternation caused by this theft dissipated it was realised that the visiting members of the M.I.A. were likewise missing.

Nobody at Plymouth Spaceport has any knowledge of the time or reason for their departure nor what their destination is. However, the City Fathers refuse to be interviewed on this subject which indicates that they have inside information. As for those of us on the Edge, we can only start asking some pertinent questions. For example; have the Rustlers abandoned landmarks and gone into the catering business.

And where's Divas? If she's actually inside the 'Old Rock', let's hope she gets stirred, not shaken.

POTARINAS GALORE!

J.J.

It is often recorded that the agriworld Feynman in Eta Cassiopoea is one of the more boring terrestrial colonies but coming back from a most enjoyable visit to Thrower's Ranch, one of the many agricentres on this delightfully fertile planet, I begin to take exception to the general overview. I expect that there are few things which fail to quicken the blood and cause it to rush to the head so much as a really good potato.

And here, on the broad and well-irrigated lawns of Feynman are such potatoes, such potatelloes, such potarinas and such potariscums as must surely make the eye water and the brain dizzy. Take the local potanip, for instance.

Where but on Feynman can one observe such extended tuber growth, such depth of rootage and such colour? Or the genus Brankel's 'Applelike' - usually the least-loved of potarinas? On Feynman, it grows to enormous size and is of a succulence rivalling that of the Aliothan blandroot.

Rarely in this column can I recommend with such whole-heartedness a vacation destination and to the more discerning seeds-being I say - cast aside your prejudices! Feynman's the place!!

ARCHBISHOP IN MARRIAGE COUNCIL

J.J.

His Uxoriousness, the Archbishop of the Polygamous Branch of the Isagogic Theodicy, Ruden Beale-Xebub, has found himself in hot water recently now rumours of his unrevealed celibacy have been leaked to Federal news agencies. Archbishop Ruden, whose luxurious Palace at Consort, Cooperworld (Aymiay) was once featured in our 'Glorious Domiciles' series, is at present under inquisition by the Marriage Guidance Counsellors of the Hymeneal Church.

Reports suggest that the forty nine wives Beale-Xebub was accredited with, have, under questioning, confessed their status as friends, relations and servants to the Archbishop and all deny any form of marital acquaintance with the prelate.

It is thought that if prolonged celibacy on the part of Beale-Xebub is proved, he will be liable to the most sever defrocking afforded by the Preceptual Banns of the Hymeneal religion.

The last Theodicic cleric to be caught shirking his religious duties in this scandalous way is said to have been subjected to the re-educative Rite of Multiple Betrothal, though it is speculated that Archbishop Ruden may issue a plea of Deranged Impotence in mitigation.

THARGOIDS BACK IN THE NEWS

J.J.

Following the success of their Bevergre Star Boot Sale, that entrepreneurial Lainlan duo, Kape and Jarnessy, are planning yet another excursion into the field of zany commercial enterprises.

They plan an exhibition and auction of Thargoid Memorabilia to be held at the New Edge Trade Centre on Birmingham (Diso). Anyone wishing to exhibit or auction accredited Thargoid artefacts or parts should contact 'K & J Scamplans' at the Newsbox, sending holos and certification of the memorabilia offered.

For those of you who left Tombstone before the Star Boot party broke up, news is now coming in that the owner of its venue, Lazar Muir of Widow's Drift, intends to build a sound, fire and substance-proofed leisure dome on the site of the previous (burnt-out) one which will be custom designed for future events. Kape tells us Lazar calmed down after the profits were distributed, so Tombstone is back on the tourist map again.

TRIUMPH RETURNS TO CAPITOL

J.J.

Flags were flying all over Capitol today to celebrate the inauguration of the new section of the Triumphian Road which has been rebuilt in record time after its shameful abduction earlier in the year. His Exalted Excellency, the Emperor, was pleased to cut the porphyrian ribbon signalling its reinstatement and subsequently graciously presided over the official unveiling of his portrait statue which the Imperial Sculptor Kynsama Pan had replaced after the original was ignominously stolen.

All present agreed that the new likeness of our glorious leader very nearly does justice to his lofty countenance and noble bearing and is a not unworthy tribute to the ineffable magnanimity and grace which characterises His benevolent reign.

A hundred and twenty malefactors were executed on the podia which have been refurbished along the road in honour of His Excellency and as a deterrent to criminals contemplating any further raids upon the splendid civic monuments of our civilisation.

SEGONDLI FOUND IN ACKSOEX

J.J.

After much ominous silence the good news is in. M.I.A. agent Divas Segondli has been sighted since our last issue in the region of the Acksoex system - one of our edgier Edge colonies though to be an even more peril-packed location than Phekda.

For those of you with dodgy memories, Divas contracted to locate several missing galactic landmarks, disappeared in her cruiser after a short visit to Landfall, Wolf 630, presumably in pursuit of the famous Mayflower Old Rock Cafe which was lifted prior to her departure.

Reports suggest that she is hot on course since, although she returned the communication signals of our informants, she messaged through a red vapour scan indicating that her mission was too secret to be transmitted or interrupted. Our informants say that they tried to follow her hyper space imprint but lost her on the Edge. There have been no other major geographical burglaries since the Cafe heist and we can only hope that this is a sign of success on her part.

The News' most seasoned war correspondent are now hurrying to the dangerous anarchic settlements of Acksoex to check out the reason for Divas' visit to that system and her possible next destination.

M'BONO REPORTS FROM ACKSOEX

J.J.

Reports returning from our war correspondent based at Hammer's Fist, Home (Acksoex) reveal that reporters from most of the inter-galactic news centres are now converging on Acksoex after information concerning Commander Segondli's visit to the planet was recently disseminated. Our chief correspondent, Lemeul M'Bono, sends us this bulletin:

"Today history was made at the settlement of Hammer's Fist when a number of visitors exceeded the number of local inhabitants for the first time. Hammer's is a little known backwater of Home (Acksoex) populated entirely by retired smugglers, pirates and renegades from the Thargoid Wars. This unsavoury collection of third-hand organics has the reputation of being the meanest set of lawless racketeers in the entire zone so it is perhaps as well that war correspondents have started to out-number them. The Times has set up an HQ in 'Home's Hepplewhite' - Hammer's only hotel and prices are rising daily as more reporters fly in."

Already supplies of 'Sudor Juice' - Home's equivalent of white spirit - are beginning to run out and the News has generously put its transport budget into ferrying in fresh supplies. We will keep our readers updated as and when M'Bono's exciting communications are received.

SEEDWORM FIASCO

J.J.

It's always an honour for me when I'm asked to attend major horticultural shows around the Universe and so I was recently overjoyed to be invited to open the Greystoke Jungle Arboretum on Biggs Colony in the Altair system. Undoubtedly many of you are familiar with the amenities of this fascinating world - its tropical flora and fauna constantly draw biologists and botanists from many corners of the Universe so you'll be unsurprised to hear that I was eager to avail myself of the opportunity for a really good poke around the Arboretum.

Close to the major tourist centre of Sweathley, it stretches for seventy square kilometres, most of which is landscaped and domed to protect visitors from some of the more dangerous insect life that Biggs is plagued with. The tropical trees and creepers are quite interesting and the place has a certain picturesqueness but, of course, my attention was immediately focused on the potato-bearing capacity of the gardens. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered the soil samples that I took were most unpromising with regard to a good yield of any but the most hardy potarellos.

Moreover the Botanical Supervisors assert that the grounds are infested with seedworm - a parasite harmless to tropical vegetation but absolutely inimical to root crops! Ultimately a somewhat fruitless visit.

Dedicated gardeners take note - Carter's World and Feynman can offer you a much more worthwhile vacation.

HILDA'S HANDY HUNCH

J.J.

Well, you would-be gumshoes certainly went zap-happy over last issue's competition - 'How I'd dog dematerialising Diva's dust trail.' Wow, what a lot of you entered! Our Editor here at RIG set up an entire department to deal with your suggestions and what cute ones they were too! Sadly we binned the entries where you volunteered your bloodhounds and pointers - (Editors note: 'dog' meant 'follow', not 'canine' you litterheads) but keep trying anyway -we'll make the next competition a bit easier for you.

WOW! So, here's this issue's prize-winner, chosen from hundreds of other hypermegafantabobulous entries, and it's from Hilda O'Grunenzweig of Conversion (Formalhaut) who says:

"If I wanted to dog Diva's dust trail, I'd invent a kind of tracking vacuum device which sort of hoovered it all up as she went along and showed me where she was going.' CREATIVE, Hilda - babe! Your suggestion is already floating over the ether to Acksoex where RIG'S team of Diva-doggers are waiting to act on it.

If they pin the evaporating private eye down first - there'll be an extra bonus prize winging its way to Conversion, honey!

FEDERAL IMPROPRIETY IMPEDES IMPERIAL MISSION

J.J.

Reports received from the Imperial Observers suggests that the situation on Home (Acksoex) is rapidly worsening. Due to overcrowding, the facilities at Hammer's Fist, scene of the biggest gathering of Galactic journalists since the Thargoid Wars are now stretched to their limits and prices for simple comestibles have become criminally expensive.

Fighting has broken out between the indigenous population and factions of journalists which recently ended in severe injury to several of the Imperial reporters.

His exalted Excellency has, in His unremitting mercy, been moved by the lamentable mistreatment of our employees and agreed in a contingent of the Second (Internal) Protectorate to aid our plight and restore the dignity of the Imperial name.

Most heinously, an alcohol cartel set up and run by members of the Federal Times and abetted by other Federal News Agencies has gained the support of key local officials who are now hampering our endeavours to discover the truth concerning the recent visit to Hammer's Fist of Commander Divas Segondli, Personal Detection Officer to His Exalted Excellency.

MALIN'S MALAISE

J.J.

Sources inform us that Kladvia Malin, the escaped Imperial outlaw and freebooter has been apprehended in the past few days by combined Imperial and Federal Naval forces acting on an anonymous tip-off. Malin, who made a spectacular escape from the so-called impregnable High Security Gaol at Grant's Claim last year was captured after a long running battle with six naval cruisers just outside the Bevegre system. We're told she was still in possession of the Mark Three she swiped off Joe Tillotson of Tilstar and evidence taken from her cruiser suggests that she was in the process of conducting negotiations with another notorious buccaneer to acquire a larger vessel in order to resume her depredations.

Kape and Jarnessy, the Lainlan entrepreneurs, have asked us to issue on their behalves a specific denial that Malin was either present at their Star Boot Sale held recently at Widow's Drift or that they had any inkling of her proximity. However, Haydon Gobbo their compatriot hinted last night that nay sizeable funds entering their banking systems in the near future might be put down to bounty payments.

ANARCHY HITS HAMMER'S FIST

J.J.

From Hammer's Fist, Home, Acksoex, Lemuel M'Bono sends this report:

"Today the 'Home's Hepplewhite, home to a hundred and thirty hard-core journalists, was under siege when hosts of Imperial reporters, backed by recidivists from the local community delivered a barrage of missiles and insults at the hotel. Barricading ourselves inside, we returned fire and the situation might have deteriorated had not a courageous group of Frontier correspondents armed with 'Sudorjuice Cocktails' launched a rear attack on our aggressors from Mrs Doom-Parker's Boarding House."

The assault was eventually quelled by the newly-formed 'Home Police Department' (HPD), an ad hoc organisation composed of members of the Hammer's Fist citizenry who have declared their intention of reimposing order on the settlement. Incensed by reports that the Emperor, Hengist Duval is dispatching a Naval war fleet to 'protect' his literary hacks, we are now petitioning the Federal Government to retaliate appropriately so that our faithful and hard-working employees in Acksoex may enjoy the protection they so richly deserve.

FRONTIER IN DANGER

J.J.

Our roving war correspondent Jamal al Billington reports from Acksoex. Things are certainly getting volatile here on Home. In the past week, relations between Imperial and Federalist correspondents have approached meltdown and the presence of Naval contingents from both powers in the vicinity of this trouble spot are encouraging certain neutral elements to turn for succour elsewhere.

Although we categorically state that the Frontier Newshounds are uninvolved with any negotiations it's increasingly obvious that the loonier hotheads amongst the Indie agencies are forming alliances with some of the Acksoex connection. In other words, the utter unsavouries representing the New Dallas Gazette, Hoaen, the Xym Yang Noseflute, Canlaen, plus both the Scientist's Newsmag and the People's Grauniad of Metastasis, Ayarin, to say nothing of the perfidious pseudo-journalists of RIG, are trying to reel in help from the piratical associates of the local community resident at Hammer's Fist.

Escape from this potentially cataclysmic situation is proving impossible - the various Naval craft have set up a net which prevents unaligned ships from leaving the Home stratosphere and diplomacy appears to be unavailing in the worsening climate of recrimination, violence and alcohol-crazed madness. We implore readers of this article to join with our editors in representing the dangers of our plight to all or any influential galactic governments, regardless of their politics, just as long as they come and get us out of this mud-hole immediately!

INFAMY APPEASED

J.J.

His Exalted Excellency, the Emperor Hengist Duval has graciously indicated His willingness to have His sublime person conveyed from the Capitoline Palace tomorrow for the purpose of inspecting the condition of section of Triumphian Road which was unexpectedly returned to us several nights ago.

As reported previously, original road was stolen by person or persons unknown and its renovation inaugurated by His Ineffable Excellency only recently. Now that the original has been returned discussions are in progress amongst his Excellency's High Legislate as to what to do with the superfluous section and in particular where it might be appropriate to site the original statue of His Supreme Excellency and the Three Coins Fountain (both replaced) which disappeared at roughly the same time and now returned.

His Celestial Excellency is rumoured to be mildly disquieted over the quantity of funds requisitioned by certain of His ministers which were channelled into the hasty and unnecessary rebuilding of our civic monuments.

The only clue as to why these strange events occurred was a brief document left attached to the neck of the Emperor's statue purporting to be from the 'peace And Light Landmark Relocation Army'. An investigation into this hitherto unknown faction is now under way. Moreover the search for Commander Segondli, the Maenad detective, has been abandoned and the Naval contingent from Acksoex has returned to base.

LANDMARKS FLY BACK

J.J.

We are pleased to be able to report that the ugly situation which was threatening Federal relations with Duval's journalistic lackeys over the copyright issue has been fortuitously resolved by the timely return of most of the large geographical landmarks stolen from their sites some time ago. Lemuel M'Bono, the leader of our expeditionary press corps has now returned from Acksoex, reporting only minor injuries to his team.

Rumours that Federal monies were used to buy off invading pirate forces are strongly denied though M'Bono is quoted as stating his conviction that substantial quantities of Imperial funds were employed for this purpose. The sudden reappearance of the missing landmarks has caused a flurry of investigative activity and speculation which is intensified by the revelation that many of the landmarks have seemingly been returned by different groups of abductors.

While the restitution of the Sunshadow Cliffs of Ayethis and the Loudly Humming Groves of Lainla were accredited to a group calling itself 'The Peace And Light Terrarists' Foundation (sic), that of the Wreakin Castle, Alpha and the Violet Pool, Arctarus and several other Federal sites was ascribed to the 'Reconstructed Liberation Front Of Peace And Light Eco-Warriors'.

Sources inform us that the Imperial landmarks were returned by yet a third sectarian group. As yet, no indication of the motives of any of these factions has been disclosed and the prolonged absence of Commander Segondli, dispatched some time ago to retrieve the stolen items, continues to cause concern.

THE HEROES RETURN

J.J.

The normally undemonstrative people of Zeaex yesterday feted Commander Divas Segondli and her crew of Maenad agents when they landed at Newtown Spaceport, Democracy to refit and report their success in retrieving the stolen galactic landmarks.

Their bulletin issued through Zeaex news agencies to the InterG news has been translated from Maenad jargon as follows:

'Having received certain tips from out contacts around and about the Edge and Core, we finally pinned the Peace and Lights down, far into the Uninhabited zone in a new system they have colonised amd named 'Porritt'.

The P and L's are disaffected ecodissidents who had come up with a scam to terraform their new planet using existing geographical locations so as to save money. These guys refer to the landmarks as 'parts' and the whole process as 'Dee-eye-wye'' which we gather is a reference to some an archaic building method. (It is?? Ed)

However, when we got to monitoring distance we found that the group had already split up into factions and were arguing ferociously over how to store the parts (and which were politically kosher and where to put them on the planet and who got to run the Old Rock Cafe etc. etc.) After making contact, diffusing their hostility and engaging in several long, tedious negotiations we wore down the various groups and succeeded in persuading them to return the parts in exchange for immunity to prosecution.

This process now being complete we hereby appeal to our various clients to stump up our fee as per agreement.

Tomorrow celebrations are planned throughout most of the Frontier systems and it is thought that Maenad Central on Wheelhead (Essfafa) are preparing a hero's welcome for their triumphant team.

INFAMOUS ATTEMPT TO CHEAT EMPEROR THWARTED

J.J.

His Exalted Excellency, the Emperor Hengist Duval, today issued a communique stating his displeasure over the means employed by the M.I.A.. Agency in their attempts to retrieve the Triumphian Road and other civic monuments of the Imperial City of Capitol. Firstly he expresses his extreme disapprobation that the agents concerned ignored the clause of their contract which instructed them to apprehend the persons of the malefactors and deliver them up to the due process of Imperial Law.

May we at the Herald endorse this entirely reasonable complaint since crimes of this heinous order should always be dealt with at the highest level by His Supreme Excellency and not left to the arbitrary whims of subordinate menials? Secondly He has let it be known that the condition of the monuments when returned was found to be less than perfect which will necessitate expensive renovations when it has been decided where to site them.

Accordingly the fee originally offered of two million credits has been reduced to three thousand as a corrected estimate of the services provided and as a warning to future foreign entrepreneurs not to take advantage of His Transcendent Excellency's renowned generosity.

OBLIGATIONS FULFILLED

J.J.

After many interworld discussions, the Federal government based on Earth today issued a statement regarding the outcome of the situation now referred to as the 'Landmark Affair'.

This states that while it is acknowledged that Commander Segondli's diplomatic efforts and practical effectiveness are recognised and will be rewarded, it is felt necessary to censure her, firstly for failing to keep in communication with the Federal agencies set up for that purpose and secondly for wilfully misleading Federal journalists so that they were obliged to endanger their lives on the highly dangerous planetary environment of Home (Acksoex) when her only purpose in visiting that colony was the highly irresponsible one of picking up stocks of the local eau de vie.

The expense of sending numerous naval vessels to their rescue has therefore been taken into account in the re-calculation of her fee. Thus, it has been declared (after conferring with the representatives of the Empire) that M.I.A.'s fee should be reduced from three million credits initially offered for the return of the seven landmarks to a more reasonable eight thousand and this sum has been transferred to M.I.A.'s bankers in fulfilment of Federal obligations.

BUSINESS AS USUAL ON PETER'S EDEN

J.J.

Contrary to popular expectation it appears that the sudden reappearance of the Sacred Pinnacle on Mount Abstinence, Peter's Eden (Arexack) has lead to an increase in hostilities between the two warring sects of the Church of KumByar rather than their abandonment.

We hear that though the Pinnacle carried a label crediting one of the factions of the Peace and Light Movement with its abduction and restoration, both the Folliculars and the Anti-Flocculants remain convinced that its temporary absence was the work of their schismatic rival. Accordingly, any payments previously negotiated with M.I.A. are now null and void.

As a result of their convictions, the enormous earth-moving activities which are proving necessary to build a wall which is intended to divide the sects are now being stepped up and both Church leaders Pilose III and Immac II have authorised the excavation of moated ditches to border each side once the wall is finished.

Our financial experts have calculated that at this rate, the Church of KumByar will be bankrupt in just over two years time. Meanwhile, construction engineers from all over the Frontier are reportedly rushing to Peter's Eden to offer their services.

MAZE CRAZE MALAISE

J.J.

Don't you find it sad when the smart -asses fall on their buts? No? We didn't think so.

So Diving Divas has taken a plunge... After all that time in space cracking into the bad guys you'd think she'd know when to zap a gangster or two. Or three. OR maybe three hundred.

Makes the heart bleed, huh?

You will have heard the stuff about the Feds and the Imps going cold on her but have you got the latest from Wicca's World? Timon from RIG tells us that by the time the Hymbos Maze gets back to its hole in the ground, it's dead. All those crazy bushes have been left to water themselves by the morons who lifted them. So Wicca won't pay up either. Another dive for the super-sleuth.

They say that what the Maenads have earned from this gig won't go to pay expenses on half the trip. Devastating. Maybe they'll take to running the Federal research library instead.

PASTURES NEW

J.J.

Many of you will be saddened by the news of Piet Lurkbloem's sudden retirement. This hardy horticultural perennial will be grievously missed wherever root crops are held in high esteem and discussed in reverent terms. Happily, our loss is the planet Fenyman's gain since Piet has chosen to spend his declining years there farming its fertile clays and raising his favourite vegetables.

But now, to turn to happier matters. As many of you will know, water gardens have been hitting the news recently so I thought it might be time to change the subject and examine fronds - a much neglected subspecies of the creeper and liana genus. Not many of you may realise that there are many differing families of fronds and thought most of them might, to the untutored eye, appear identical (or at least somewhat monotonously similar) the jungle worlds where they flourish can offer an exciting variety which richly rewards study.

In the next few weeks, I hope to take you on a walk through some of the little-known but fascinating frond-forests of Zeessze, Faessla and Altair accompanied by some of the most knowledgeable frond experts in the Federation. A treat to tempt any gardener interested inexploring the uncharted realms of the pendulous or trailing elements of horiculture - so stay tuned to this column.

PARSIMONY AND ITS CONSEQUENCES

J.J.

Today news is flooding in of strange happenings which have occurred in close succession throughout the Core/Edge parts of the Universe recently affected by the notorious Landmark Heist Affair. Sources resident within Imperial Territories report that the section of the Triumphian Road, recently rebuilt by the Emperor Duval has mysteriously disappeared together with its original length which was being stored in a large warehouse on the outskirts of Capitol. Almost at the same time, a number of important Federal civic monuments have been mysteriously removed, one of which is the ancient Trade Centre Tower from Old NewYork and the Stadtmensch Building of Neuberlin (both from Earth (Sol).

Yet a third bulletin refers to the Hanging Baskets of the Lost Gardens of Antipi-Hymbos on Wicca's World. Thought to be a horticultural marvel second only to the Hymbos Maze which is now being restored, these priceless structures have likewise vanished.

A fourth communication states that the Holy Pinnacle has also gone for a walk leaving the Church of KumByar on Axerack once more speechless with rage at itself. Finally, reports are surfacing of the incomprehensible disappearance of a luxury mansion on New Miami, (Quiness) thought to be the holiday name of a gossip columnist from RIG - the psuedo-rag beloved of the illiterati. Unfortunately, these reports are unconfirmed.

We are careful to refrain from commenting on the implications of these latest dematerialisations by Haydon Gobbo, the Lainlan wit was heard to observe that certain investigation agents appear to have caught the newly identified Dee-eye-wye virus. This, apparently, can only be cured by frequent applications to the affected parts of outstanding medicinal wads by those who are now suffering twice from the side-effects of this nasty (albeit entertaining) disease.

If cured in this generous fashion, the patient becomes significantly less wayward and all is Peace and Light.

RIOTS QUELLED

J.F.

Fifteen prisoners from Dixon's Rock (Miolgre) who were recently involved in an altercation with police on the frontier planet have been allocated for punishment to the Imperial Prison Service. When found guilty they will be sent to the tantalum mine complex on the punishment planet Jenning's Hollow (Enayex). These arch-criminals, some of the worst sweepings of the Empire, have committed a disgusting crime against all humanity. His Imperial Majesty himself has taken an interest in the work being carried out on Dixon's Rock and it is believed that is why the terrorist bandits chose this planet to display their degenerate behaviour.

Details of their offence and the manner in which they were captured are classified.

A MESSAGE FROM HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY ON THE OCCASION OF HIS BIRTHDAY

J.F.

I, Emperor of the High Imperial Condominium of All Space, Ultimate and Puissant Lord of Duval, Earl of Earth, Duke of the Coalsack, Carrier of the Sacred Flame, Head of the Space Navy of the Empire, Head of the Marine Services of the Empire, Head of the Submarine Services of the Empire, Head of the Subgeonean Services of the Empire, Secret Head of the Secret Services of the Empire, Head of the Imperial Prison and Attitude Correction Services of the Empire, Founder Member of the Institute of TTT, send to my loyal subjects, greetings.

"Scurrilous press journals of the Federation have begun to decry the work being carried out on directed human genome development in the research laboratories on Peter's Rock (Facece). This is typical of the scare tactics which have been used for generations to try to slow down Imperial scientific development in order to give the inferior scientists of the Federation time to catch up. This will not happen. The Empire is well ahead of any other organisation in its control of human shape and intellect. Our dedicated scientists will continue their work no matter what propaganda is disseminated by the lackeys of Federation science. Fifteen thousand people have died in the Federation after a disgruntled employee of a lick-spittle lackey journal published a lethal computer program as an act of sabotage.

One of the much-vaunted freedoms of the Federation is the freedom of their journals to publish what they like. The tragedy of the Langford Basilisk fractal could not have happened in the Empire."

IMPERIAL SCIENTISTS MAKE BREAKTHROUGH

J.F.

We do things better here. Imperial scientist have led their Federation colleagues to a breakthrough in the Institute of Tricopathy, Tricogeny and Trichology on Atlantis (Canlada). The project, research into the desperately important area of human male-pattern baldness, is an example of the generosity of His Imperial Highness who personally ordered Imperial scientists to share our greater understanding of human genetics with the more backward Federation.

We salute His Imperial Majesty's generosity. Imperial human gene manipulation scientists were needed before an idea about correcting the distressing problem of male pattern baldness could be put into practice. While Federation scientists had identified the problem, their inferior ability to manipulate the genome was preventing them carrying out any corrective action. Using their knowledge of Imperial science, our team was able to show their more backward colleagues how to proceed.

Once again Federation science has had to learn from our scientists working under the wise direction of His Imperial Majesty.

CROWN PRINCE TO VISIT FEDERATION

J.F.

The visit of His Highness Crown Prince Harald to the Federation is an example of how magnanimous our leader can be towards inferior and backward political systems. The Federation will try to impress him with the things that they do best, such as gambling and vice and corruption but we can be sure that His Royal Highness will see through their machinations and detect the hollowness that is at the heart of Federation life. Which one of our readers would prefer the hedonistic and frivolous life of the Federation when given the choice? We are a more austere society, dedicated to the advancement of our culture rather than simply enjoying ourselves.

No-one who has seen the life-style of the average inhabitant of the Federation - rich in products but lacking any dedication to goals other than personal gratification - can doubt that the Imperial Way is the wave of the future.

PLANET EXCHANGE

J.F.

The Planet O'Hanlon's Claim in the system of Essaa has been transferred to Federation ownership with the title deeds now held by The TBW Investment and Retirement Fund Inc. His Imperial majesty's Dictats Committee has released the planet in exchange for unspecified favours from the Federation. It is understood that the exchange has been most advantageous for the Emperor. O'Hanlon's Claim was of little commercial value to the Empire, and it had no strategic merit. Its inhabitants are chiefly of the labouring and servitor classes. Their primary skills, sensory enhancement and ecstasy induction, are better suited to the lifestyles of their new owners.

Details of the exchange are secret.

FEDERATION TO BUILD IMPERIAL DRIVES

J.F.

Federation shipyards have contacted the Imperial Yards on Lloyd's Legacy (Cephiol) with a view to commercial production of Imperial drive units in Federation space. This is obviously because they have suffered major failures with the new units they have been developing over the last fifteen years. Once again we see how superior the directed science and technology of the Empire is compared to the fragmented and inefficient structures of the Federation. His Imperial Majesty is considering the request.

A spokesman has told this journal that the Family Duval has no wish to see the Federation collapse into anarchy because it lacks modern ships, particularly as the turmoil created might spread into innocent frontier planets.

The job of clearing up the mess would, of course, be well within our capabilities, but might prove inconvenient.

IMPERIAL FOOD STOCKS RISE

J.F.

Food production figures released from the Internal Directorate (Agriculture Fisheries and Foods) last week show that the current Imperial Agricultural Plan is meeting and exceeding all targets. Food stock reserves have been raised by edict of His Imperial Highness to seven year's supply in order to combat any possibility of future famine. We applaud this example of Imperial farsightedness. Because the reserves have been increased to such an extent, ration rates in thirty percent of Imperial systems will be further reduced. Details will be published at a later date.

BUBBLE SHIPS UNDER CONSTRUCTION

J.F.

Several Federation planets adjoining Imperial space have been to producing the so-called "Bubble" ships. These space arks are sold to unsuspecting groups who are told that they will be able to avoid contact with other and more powerful neighbours simply by travelling in their arks in the spaces between the stars. Many are thought to have penetrated Imperial borders and there is a possibility that several clandestine yards have been working within the Empire itself.

It is true that the chances of detection by Imperial craft is small when these vessels are far from planetary systems, but they will inevitably be detected when they approach a star in order to pick up reaction mass for their drives. Furthermore, they will take hundreds of years to reach other star-systems. By the time they do, the descendants of the original 'Bubbleteers' will find that Imperial expansion has been so rapid that their destination has already been settled and civilised by our advance parties. The Bubble dream is only a dream, not a realistic way of settling the galaxy.

Any Bubble detected in Imperial space will be boarded and destroyed.

Other agencies please copy.

JOINT VENTURE ON ASTEROID DESTRUCTION

J.F.

After the success of the Institute of TTT on Atlantis (Canlada), it is heartening to see that the Federation has Been persuaded to join the Empire in another joint venture. The Deep Space Detection Group is designing new methods of finding, pursuing and destroying asteroid sized objects in deep space. These objects are normally difficult to track simply because space is so big. Using advanced sensors developed in the Imperial laboratories our scientists can already track objects out to the fringe of the Oort cloud. Unfortunately beyond this point the plethora of targets confuses current techniques, and as many of the so-called Bubble-arks are already within the clouds, it is thought that Federation processing techniques might improve matters.

Our scientists are willing to share the important part of their research in exchange for the minor improvements brought about by Federation involvement because the Bubble are a threat to all mankind. We have had our differences and even wars with the Federation.

This does not mean that we cannot co-operate when a disease like the Bubble-arks needs eradicating.

JUMP TECHNOLOGY IMPROVED

J.F.

Based on a proposal initiated from the Palace itself, new methods of speed matching by ships in near-system space are being developed by the Imperial navy. Current jump technology means that rendezvousing with conventional vessels moving at steady one G acceleration has proved difficult. Progress is being made and before long any vessel in Imperial space can expect to find itself boarded no matter what evasive action is being taken. The Empire cannot afford to allow pirates or Bubbles to operate with impunity within our borders.

COURT NEWS 1.

J.F.

The annual Imperial Ball as held last night in honour of the birthday of our loved and esteemed ruler. The Imperial palace was decked in gold-plated monolayer banners and the parade ground was thronged with soldiers from every part of the Empire. Of particular note were the dwarf-warriors from high-G planets and the almost vacuum-proofed new batch of space soldiers recently released from the Imperial laboratories.

After the parade and a flypast by the aviform men from Valhalla (Aymifa), the Ball proper began. Ambassadors from the Federation were greeted warmly and the scientists from the Institute of TTT were personally led into the festivities by His Imperial Majesty himself, an unprecedented honour. Also there to celebrate was Crown Prince Harald, sporting his new hairstyle generated by the gene-splicing techniques of the Institute founded by his august father. The Prince's companion, a lady high in Federation circles and noted for her acting and decorative qualities, spent several hours with His Imperial Majesty while the Prince acted as host.

It is an honour to report how youthful and vigorous our leader appeared as he accepted the applause from the guests at the end of the evening. May he reign for many decades to come!

We salute His Imperial Highness.

COURT NEWS 2

J.F.

After many years in which women were not welcome within the precincts of the Imperial Palace, His Majesty has decided that he will permit their presence on a day-to-day basis in purely decorative roles. The theatre which once was used solely for performances of the Ais dances of Prono has been converted with shopping malls, sandwich bars and sewing rooms to make the invited females feel at home.

Palace sources tell us that his Majesty often strolls through the theatre incognito in order to listen to the amusing prattle of his unsuspecting guests and their freemartin escorts. Ignorant journals elsewhere have suggested that this is a prelude to the return by our Sovereign Leader to the old-fashioned female-based systems of reproduction. This is not so. We have abandoned the old unhygenic and random ways for ever. His Imperial Majesty is merely demonstrating in his kindly way that he finds all of his subjects equally valuable, regardless of gender.

COURT NEWS 3

J.F.

Once again the Empire has been attacked for its supposedly unnatural use of DNA modification to provide ourselves with specialised human forms to carry out the tasks vital to the functioning of our civilisation. We can easily rebut the arguments against this engineering.

On the one hand there is no indication that we have exceeded the adaptability of the human genome: if we had we would have brought forth monsters, distortions of humanity showing obvious degradation. The great variety of human shapes our Empire holds are all adapted to their own environments.

On the second hand we can see that this is merely an acceleration of natural processes. Armoured skin, prehensile toes and fur covered bodies would have evolved naturally given time; we have simply given nature a helping hand.

On the third hand, modified body shapes are more efficient.

Even in journalism the basic body plan has been improved.

CROWN PRINCE WITHDRAWS

J.F.

It is with sadness that we record the withdrawal of Crown Prince Harald from public life. In a message from the palace released yesterday, we learn that his Highness, who has been suffering from some emotional strain since his return from the Federation, has decided to retire to the silence and contemplation of the Noble's trial (Anlaol) in specially designed palace on the outskirts of the aptly named Duval Starport. There he will spend his time in contemplation and meditation while receiving medical treatment for an unfortunate body-plan deformation brought on by faulty DNA adjustment in the Institute of TTT.

We send our sympathy to the Emperor and assure him that the thoughts of his loyal subjects are with him at this difficult time.

No announcement has yet been made about the new official successor. There are many sons for the Emperor to choose from and we are sure he will make a wise choice which will be greeted with great rejoicing throughout the Empire.

IMPERIAL GUARD PREVENTS ATTACK

J.F.

News of the latest attack on the Imperial family has been greeted with shock throughout the Empire. Crowds have gathered in the streets as the entire population has turned out to show its sympathy. the full story will never be known, but the general details have been released.

A renegade group of scientists decided to attack the successor to the Imperial throne by adjusting his DNA in an unauthorised way while he was being treated for a low-hirsuteness problem on Atlantis (Canlada). The daring attack almost succeeded and, if it had not been for the work of the Imperial Guard it might have altered the bodyform of the Imperial successor in a retrograde manner.

We can applaud the work of the police who caught the criminals when they returned from their Institute and we hope they will receive exemplary punishment.

FURTHER SYSTEM JOINS EMPIRE

J.F.

The frontier planet Home (Beayce) has applied to join the Empire of Man. Captain Hargreef and the Seventh Systems Protectorate were manoeuvring near the Beayce system when a group of citizens from the planet arrived and asked to speak with the Imperial representative. When they were admitted to the presence of the Ambassador they begged his permission to become absorbed into the Empire.

It is not surprising that, having seen the benefits Imperial subject status gives a frontier and backward planet that they would ask to join. It is only surprising that they resisted the common-sense course for so long. This was the third planet inducted in the current cruise of the Seventh Protectorate under Captain Hargreef.

His Imperial majesty, to mark this event, has been pleased to appoint Captain Hargreef to the Imperial Guard. He is therefore recalled for questioning.

COMMANDER RECEIVES NEW POSTING

J.F.

It is always sad when a great tactician and soldier has to be disciplined, but justice must be done when someone as important to the Empire as the Captain of the Seventh Systems Protectorate has demonstrated poor judgement.

When the Imperial court heard from the Federation that Hargreef had been bombarding helpless planets into submission then it is natural that an example had to be made. We wish Admiral Hargreef a happy retirement as Governor of Democracy (Ross 986). We hope that this punishment - retirement from his post at only two thirds pay (plus allowances) - will stop the criticism being published throughout the frontier regions. Small systems have nothing to fear when the Imperial Fleets appear in their skies. All they have to do is co-operate.

All three planets inducted by the Seventh Systems Protectorate have unanimously voted to remain as Imperial Colonies.

IMPERIAL NAVY SAVES POPULATION

J.F.

Federation warships stood by while our Imperial nav