Who's Mad Men's Biggest Drunk?

By KARA CUTRUZZULA

Don Draper

Roger Sterling

Lane Pryce

Pete Campbell

Peggy Olson

Ken Cosgrove (Accounts.)

Faye Miller

Betty Draper

Harry Crane

For a drama that takes place almost entirely in an office, there are surprisingly few coffee mugs on AMC’s hit series. Instead, creative genius Don Draper and his admirers walk around with glass orbs swimming with whiskey. Or vodka. Or sometimes both. And sometimes, in the same day.In the world of, success is 10 percent aspiration and 90 percent intoxication. At least, that’s what they want you to think. An emotional crux during the fourth season has been Don’s descent into a soggy, drunken mess and his attempts to rebound. But, as Don found, it’s impossible to avoid alcohol when there are so many women and clients to charm and drink carts in every office.So what are the typical habits of these Mad Men?The investigation turned up interesting results. Some characters are verging on becoming teetotalers. Others will probably die with a cocktail in hand. (In fact, lugging four bottles of Canadian Club whiskey up from the storeroom might be what killed poor Miss Blankenship.)Some become funnier with a little juice in their caboose, while others turn morose. So grab a bottle of Canadian Club, pour one out, and relive the fourth season with this definitive guide to drinking onCreative Director at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce78½Canadian Club Whisky on the rocksSally fixes him French toast with rum (Episode 9)HimselfThe weekend after the Clio Awards, he drinks so much he forgets which day it is, wakes up with a strange waitress—and still has a little hair of the dog.When Joan asks him for his drink order, Don says: "Make it simple, but significant." (Episode 6)In the Season 4 premiere, Don's housekeeper remarks that he never eats, and there have been similar warnings every week for our tragic hero. (Even a prostitute refuses a drink with Don because she needs to get to dinner with her family.) Don's sunk so low he usually doesn't bother with mixers now—or friends. He drinks in the company of coworkers, reporters, dates—but many times, he drinks alone. He drinks after his slighted secretary Allison trashes his office. He drinks Smirnoff with Roger. He drinks an Old Fashioned at Benihana with Bethany. He drinks beer at home. He drinks sake and Chianti with Faye. Most prominently, he drinks bottles and bottles of whisky in the office. Don Draper never met a glass he didn't want to empty.Partner at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce33Vodka (Smirnoff or Stoli) neatGibson MartiniDon Draper, "Joanie," himselfAn all-martini lunch with Don in Episode 6"Have a drink," he tells Joan. "It'll make me look younger." (Episode 5)Although the rest of the office prefers brown liquor, Roger almost exclusively drinks vodka—whether neat, on the rocks, or in a half-dozen martinis. In Episode 2, Roger has to lie down and swig Maalox after a boozy lunch with an executive from Ponds cold cream. He drinks a Gibson martini at a bar near Keens Steakhouse to "fortify" himself in Episode 7 and has another Gibson at his favorite diner with his favorite redhead, Joan. He drinks before, during, and after the Clio Awards. And we're treated to a flashback of a younger Roger and Don in Episode 5, which shows their deep-rooted love of James Bond's favorite cocktail. "Let me buy you lunch," Don says after plying him with martinis. "I'm stuffed," Roger replies. "I had a jar of olives." Roger's weakness for the clear stuff transformed Don, the fur salesman into Don Draper, creative director.Partner at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce14Whiskey on the rocks3 whiskey sours ordered at the Playboy Club in Episode 10Don DraperHis entire New Year's Eve "man date" with Don in Episode 3"[My father] is one of those alcoholics who thinks that he's collecting." (Episode 3)A welcome addition to the ad agency's partner roster, English financial officer Lane fit in seamlessly with the American lushes. He even saw a new side of Don after they were both working in the office on New Year's Eve. Lane broke out a top-shelf bottle of whiskey (a birthday gift from his father), which they marveled "had no bite at all." The two finished it off by sneaking a flask into a monster movie, followed by more whiskey at a restaurant, a mug of beer at a comedy show, and a Canadian Club nightcap before spending the evening with hookers. (Tally ho, indeed.) Lane seemingly spent the rest of the season recovering.Partner at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and works in Account Management11½Whiskies (all types) on the rocksBottle of Champagne after learning his wife Trudy's pregnantHis father-in-lawAny time he's alone in his apartmentSurprisingly, Pete doesn't get mouthyOur young accounts man is all grown up. Now that Pete's a family man, he's rarely out carousing, instead drinking Crown Royal whiskey and Glenlivet Single Malt Scotch at his bar at home. In Episode 4, he does drink at the office with Harry, pouring a jigger of Glenlivet while complaining about Ken Cosgrove. Later, he orders Dewar's on the rocks to steel himself before telling his father-in-law they're dropping his account. Once he finds out Trudy's "with child," they order up the bubbly. In Episode 12, he refuses a drink from Don, only to go drown his sorrows in the privacy of his own home.Copywriter at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce10½Whiskey on the rocksManhattanDon, Stanley, Joyce, AbeWallowing after her breakup on her birthday"You need three ingredients for a cocktail. Mountain Dew and vodka is an emergency." (Episode 8)Peggy's a trailblazing career woman, and her sense of ambition doesn't stop at the bar. After the simpering Mark breaks up with her, Peggy heads to Don's office for some Crown Royal on the rocks. Later,when they're at "someplace darker," Peggy's seen sipping a Manhattan—exactly what her Brooklyn-born mother was drinking at Peggy's thwarted birthday dinner. She also drinks at the Christmas party and tries to invent a Mountain Dew cocktail with the artist boys. But most tellingly, when Peggy's future boyfriend Abe tries to order Johnnie Walker Black, it's Peggy's confidence that gets the bartender's attention.Senior Vice President of Account Services at Sterling Cooper Draper PryceWhiskey (whatever's around) on the rocksWhite wineHarry CraneMidnight whiskies in the SCDP office"Give that to El Jefe," he says, and passes a Canadian Club to Don. (Episode 8)Ken's the even-keeled type who didn't overdo it this season. He's comfortable at the bar—even at Don's—and pours plenty of the brown stuff for his fellow ad men. When Don is trying to sober up in Episode 8, "The Summer Man," it's Ken's peer pressure that kickstarts the afternoon imbibing. As with most characters this year, Ken drinks more as the agency's future gets cloudy. In Episode 11, after white wine with his fiancée and future in-laws, he heads to the office to commiserate the loss of the Lucky Strike account with Pete, Roger, Bert, and Don. Whiskey on the rocks for everyone.Consumer-Researcher who works with Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce6½Whatever they're pouringTwo glasses of sakeDon DraperGoes home too early to tell"I don't know how you guys drink like this around here. I'd fall asleep" (Episode 5)Earlier in the season, Don's blond love interest drank to fit in at work, knocking back a few at the Christmas party and at the post-Clio Awards celebration—but, she always headed home before Don could seduce her. After the two share a bottle of sake from the Honda executives (a first for both of them), the future couple seems to have a deeper connection. Three episodes later, Don orders Chianti for them on their successful first date. In Episode 9, after an awkward encounter with Don's daughter Sally, Faye has half a whiskey and refuses to make one for Don. No matter—he finishes hers.Don's Ex-WifeVodka GimletVodka GimletHenry FrancisToo many vodka gimlets"You need a drink?" Henry asks her. "You're not allowed to say that."The eternally childlike Betty managed to sneak in a few drinks during her relatively little screen time this season. She's seen with red wine in the premiere episode, but it is Thanksgiving, after all. Betty's one true moment of booziness this season comes in Episode 8. She and her new husband run into Don and his very blond, very young date, Bethany, at a restaurant. To cope, Betty hits the gimlets a little too hard and has a drunken spat with Henry on the car ride home. She also drinks red wine with her spaghetti dinner at home. Seemingly, Betty's slowing down—her marriage to Don must have been driving her to drink.Head of the Media Department at Sterling Cooper Draper PryceWhiskey (whatever's around) on the rocksChivas Regal Blended Scotch WhiskeyKen CosgroveIntoxicating the executives from Life cereal and spoiling Peyton PlaceNever gets drunk enough to become funnyYou, sir, are an embarrassment to Madison Avenue. The bespectacled head of the television department made a truly pathetic showing this season. He asks Joan to track him down coffee and grapefruit juice in the season premiere, despite Pete telling Peggy that Harry gets a case of top-shelf liquor each month "for sticking his nose up some guy's ass at NBC." Harry did throw back a whiskey at Jim Downey's Steak House in Episode 4, and sucked down something brown after the Philip Morris meeting was canceled in Episode 12. But compared to the other guys, this Harry drinks like a Sally.