Hey guys! Just wanted to say a couple things before we start:

Once again, thank you all SO MUCH for your patience. I’m so sorry that things are going so slow right now 😦 I’ve been very busy and stressed with other things, which has resulted in a lack of both time and motivation when it comes to A2A (Please don’t worry though! Again, after 4 years, the story is not going anywhere!) I’m gonna try hard to do better moving forward, but in the meantime, I really appreciate everyone putting up with my “Schedule? What’s a schedule?!” thing I’ve got going on right now ❤

I apologize for how extremely short this chapter is (I know it’s a huge letdown after a 3-week wait! 😦 ). I intended for it to be a bit longer, but I just really wanted to finish it and publish it so I could get SOMETHING out for you guys. I promise the next one will be longer, and with any luck, not as ridiculously long of a wait either!

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I still don’t understand how the hell this happened.

I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I was being a good boyfriend. I thought I’d gotten good enough at putting all that weird shit with Ollie behind me. I thought Landon wouldn’t notice… or care.

But he did.

And now everything just fucking sucks. Losing Landon has literally sucked the joy out of every single thing in my life.

Sounds extreme, right? But you have no idea how long I’ve… I don’t even know the right word for it. But I don’t think I can remember a time in my life when Landon didn’t give me butterflies. I can’t even count the number of times I used to fantasize about being with him (and no, not just sex… though, yeah, it was a big part of things. Duh). I just… I always knew he was the person I wanted to be with.

And yeah, you could say I was putting him on a pedestal or something. But I’ve always felt like that phrase doesn’t really work unless the person doesn’t live up to your expectations. That’s when the pedestal gets knocked over and everything falls apart.

But in the end, actually being with Landon was more amazing than I ever even imagined. He’s so much more than a pretty face or a perfect ass. He’s funny and sweet and smarter than anybody gives him credit for…

And for a couple months, he was mine.

UGH. Where the fuck did I go wrong?

I know it sounds all lame and over-dramatic, but it’s like nothing even matters anymore. Things I used to give a shit about mean nothing now.

After years and years of missing out, Mom finally won her first Oscar last Sunday night. And there was a time in my life when I cared so much, I used to cry and act like it was the end of the goddamn world whenever she didn’t win. But now?

I mean, I was really happy for her, obviously. She’s worked her ass off to finally get this.

But I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. I just kept thinking about how Landon should’ve been there to celebrate with me. And when Ollie texted me to congratulate Mom, it just made things even worse.

Thinking about Ollie kills me just about as much as thinking about Landon does right now. It’s one of those stupid things where I logically know that how I feel makes absolutely zero sense, but I still can’t stop myself from feeling it (How many times do I have to say it? Someone seriously has to figure out how the hell to turn feelings off. Instant Nobel Prize right there).

I know how ridiculous and awful it is, but every time I look at Ollie now, this stupid voice in the back of my head just keeps saying “it’s all your fault’.

If he wasn’t so warm and funny and kind and hot… None of this would have happened right?

If he’d just left my head and my heart alone, everything would be fine. I wouldn’t have had to deal with any of those bullshit feelings, Landon wouldn’t have figured it out, and everything could just be normal.

Except, is it really his fault? (That was rhetorical… we all know the answer to that one). I’m the one who let myself feel that way about Ollie. And I’m the one who couldn’t figure out how to deal with it. The only person I should be blaming is me.

So why can’t I stop feeling so fucking mad at Ollie?

I guess that was kinda rhetorical too. I think maybe it’s because feeling mad is easier than all the other shit I’ve been feeling about him. Because without Landon, those feelings seem a hell of a lot more ‘real’, in a way. It’s like they’ve crossed the line from being dumb fantasies to actually being possible… And that’s fucking terrifying.

Especially since I don’t even know if I really want any of that anymore. All I know is that right now, I just want Landon back. It’s all I can think about.

I’m less than a week away from finally taking my SATs, and I can’t even focus enough to study anymore. Any time I try, I just start thinking of Landon and all those hours we spent in the library together. It’s fucking killing me. Any time I think about him or Ollie too much, I just feel like I’m gonna puke. Literally. I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve been sick to my stomach…

I swear to God, this whole thing has me about to diagnose myself with some kind of psychosomatic disorder. I don’t even know what I’d call it — naming diseases and shit is more Lily’s thing, not mine. Point is, I’m feeling like absolute shit right now in more ways than one, and I just want it to stop.

I even tried skipping out on Trig for a while too… After everything that happened, the thought of sitting in that room right between the two of them was just too much. I couldn’t do it.

I made it like a week and a half before Mr. Marshall finally caught-on. Then the other day, he called Mom and Dad to ask why I’d been missing so much class lately.

Yeah, that was fun. They’re used to getting calls about me forgetting my filter with teachers and stuff. But skipping class? They kinda flipped (or, flipped as much as my parents can. They’re pretty chill about most stuff, even when they’re pissed at me).

They know how messed up this shit with Landon’s got me though. And it’s only been like two weeks since he dumped me. I’m still… mourning? I don’t know what the hell you call this. But my parents know I’m a fucking mess right now… Just not the extent of it.

They know Penny had some crazy conspiracy theory that Ollie dumped her because of me. But they have no idea about how I feel. And I don’t want them to.

Anyway, point is, they were kinda understanding, but they still ended up talking me into going back to that stupid fucking class. Which means now I get to spend every morning sitting between Landon and Ollie while slowly wishing I could just curl up into a ball and disappear. It’s torture. How the hell am I supposed to put up with this for three more months?!

I guess I just don’t know what I’m gonna do. I mean, I know what I should do. As Lily not-so-subtly keeps reminding me, Ollie’s been my best friend for more than half my life. And maybe she’s right. After all the weird ups and downs we’ve had this year, maybe this can finally be our chance to get things back to normal?

Or as normal as they can be when you’re in love with your best friend and pining for your ex at the same time.

God, that’s so fucked, isn’t it?

Guess this means we’ve officially reached the final act of this stupid Hollywood drama that is my life right now. Everything’s gone to shit. I lost my boyfriend, I might’ve lost my best friend too, my sister’s an annoying piece of shit, I’m probably gonna bomb my fucking SATs…

There’s no way this thing’s gonna have a happy ending, is there?