SARRI STATE OF AFFAIRS

If you’ve spotted Maurizio Sarri scrabbling around in the last few days, the chances are he’s looking for a trap door. At the end of last season, when it was mooted that Sarri would swap Napoli for Chelsea, it looked a good gig. A decent squad, a hierarchy so sick of the last guy they would probably give you a solid gold toilet if you asked them nicely while conspicuously being Not Antonio Conte, and a club who had surely learned lessons in the transfer window having thoroughly horsed the last couple. Big club, stacks of cash, chance to live in a new city, learn a new language, experience a new culture: the future was bright.

Kepa Arrizabalaga set for medical after Chelsea pay £71m buyout clause Read more

Fast forward a few months and you wouldn’t blame him for trying to find the quickest way of doing one. For a start, thanks to Chelsea spending a few months with their thumb firmly in their bottom, he only got the gig with pre-season training having already been started by the other guy, meaning he had an uphill battle getting his squad to remember his name, let alone how he wants them to play. Most of his good players were in the latter stages of the World Cup so have only just rocked up, leaving him with the harrowing prospect of starting Ross Barkley for their first league game on Saturday. In Álvaro Morata he’s got a centre-forward whose confidence has been so Swiss-cheesed he doesn’t want to wear No 9 any more. Plus Eden Hazard looks like he’d rather be literally anywhere else than shuffling around Stamford Bridge.

Still, at least Hazard actually is shuffling around Stamford Bridge. Which is more than can be said for big Belgian sprawl of limbs Thibaut Courtois, who should be one of the few solid parts of Sarri’s team, but who decided that four days before the transfer window closed would be the most convenient time to tell everyone he wants a one-way ticket on Do One Airways, specifically to Real Madrid. Which means they need a goalkeeper, quickly, so they’ve been forced to panic and stuff the £71.6m that represents Kepa Arrizabalaga’s release clause into a duffle bag, burst into the Spanish FA HQ sweating profusely, and tell them to liberate the goalie from Athletic Bilbao, post-haste.

Now, despite being behind Pepe Reina in the pecking order for Spain, Kepa might be a brilliant keeper. We don’t know. We’ll defer to The Fiver’s stereotypical Spanish cousin, Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Acoustic Guitar Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver on that one. But it isn’t a brilliant state of affairs when they’re paying the absolute toppest of dollar for Kepa, when in Alisson they could have signed a more established player, that they wanted more, for less money, earlier in the summer and avoided this undignified scramble in the last days of this idiotically truncated transfer window. “I saw Kepa one year ago [when I was] at Naples and my first impression was he was a very good goalkeeper,” gushed Sarri last night. “Very young but very, very good.” He’d better be, otherwise Sarri will spend even more time under the desk, desperately searching for that escape route.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Monday 6 August: “I will be looking for the right response from the players” – Truro City manager Lee Hodges calls on his squad to show the right attitude after a 4-0 defeat by Billericay Town.

Wednesday 8 August: “I know it’s not good timing … I feel I need a break, I am drained and it’s not fair on the players” – Hodges’s response, however, is to resign with immediate effect.

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FIVER LETTERS

“So Ludurigan (yesterday's Fiver letters) recently became a Nasty Leeds supporter and also subscribed to The Fiver. I hope he's ready for the long periods of bitter despair, occasionally dotted with brief moments of enjoyment. But then they'll always have Nasty Leeds to fall back on” – Roger Mart.

“Yesterday’s letter of the day had everything that Brazilian football used to have but now sadly lacks – it was inventive, it was forthright and it was jovial, all without being too cynical or defensive. And it was written by a one-named Brazilian! Given the early closure of the transfer window this summer I suggest that The Fiver quickly arrange a deal to sign up Ludurigan to have he or she write your Fun & Games in South America items” – R. Reisman.

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BITS AND BOBS

Jérôme Boateng added the tender sting of the personal touch when telling José Mourinho to do one by picking up the phone, dialling the man, and delivering it to him straight that he would not be joining Manchester United any time soon, thanks.

The Press Association filed their story on Ben Mee signing a new three-year deal with Burnley with the headline “MORE MEE TIME FOR BURNLEY” which, let’s be honest, we’re not going to improve on.

Harry Kane’s nights are set to become twice as sleepless after his partner Kate Goodland gave birth to the couple’s second daughter, Vivienne Jane Kane.

And another space has opened up in the Middlesbrough players’ car-park after the £18m the club received from Wolves bought Adama Traoré an off-peak ticket aboard the 10.55am Do One service to Wolverhampton.

STILL WANT MORE?

Former Arsenal Invincible Gilberto Silva is helping Working Man’s XI member Fred adapt to life at Old Trafford following the Brazilian's £52m move, writes Caio Carrieri.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘Right,’ said Fred. Photograph: Christof Stache/AFP/Getty Images

Brentford's innovative approach on and off the field has turned them into unlikely promotion contenders in the Championship, says Ben Fisher in his latest Football League blog.

Many Arsenal fans are greatly vexed by Stan Kroenke's full takeover. Should they be? Rob Davies assesses what it means

Villa are digging their heels in over Jack Grealish, but if Spurs do manage to lure him away he'd fit in just grand in Mauricio Pochettino's side, reckons Martin Laurence

And our latest Premier League previews spotlight Ailsa from Home and Away's Southampton and the perpetual angst of Newcastle.

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