Indianapolis, IN—

A local Indiana nazi group has penned a public editorial criticizing America for maligning them as Nazis, explaining that they were neo-Nazis at worst. The mixup, they said, hurts their feelings.

This is their editorial in full:

“To the unfair people of Indianapolis we wish no harm. We simply wish not to be called Nazis anymore. We are neo-Nazis, and there is a world of difference there.

We simply want to protect and preserve the white race, and it’s just a coincidence that we go about it in similar ways as the Nazis.

We also sometimes use their Third Reich swastika flag, but that’s purely a decor choice. We also use some of their antisemitic chants during our rallies, but that’s just because we are worried of a globalist Jew plot to take over the world. We are adopting some of Hitler’s tactics, of course, such as our support of rightwing paramilitary militia groups, our organized costume choices, and the Nazi salute, but we assure you that we are not hateful like him.

For instance, we don’t hate black people. Not at all. We are simply insecure around them because they fit in at parties so much better, so we don’t want them to live in America because hot, white women tend to be attracted to them more than any of us. Even when our skin is the purest white from meme-ing on the Internet all day in our parents’ basements every day. It doesn’t make sense, and women better start paying attention to us, or else we’ll go incel on them!

We also don’t hate Muslims, we just can’t differentiate between different Muslim regions of the world, and we simplistically conflate all of the world’s 1.5 billion Muslims with the small minority of Arab Muslims that have dominated our perceptions of the Islamic world since the 9/11 attack by Saudi terrorists. Like, come on—it’s not realistic that we’d go to Indonesia, India, Pakistan or Bangladesh and see for ourselves that the plurality of Muslims actually live in Asia, are totally peaceful, and do not adhere to an extremist culture of violence.

And we’re not racist. We merely drew up a social hierarchy chart to spread around amongst our members that very clearly has white people at the top and every other race described as ‘mongrels’ below, but that doesn’t make us racist in anyway. We sometimes crack jokes during group functions about having another Kristallnacht, or another Holocaust, or about starting a world war that kills millions of people before we are stopped by an allied-military effort participated in by the rest of the world who aren’t fascist, but that’s just locker room talk. Not Nazi talk!

So seriously, you all better stop calling us Nazis. We’re neo-Nazis, get it right! And stop calling us ‘snowflakes.’ We hate it. We demand you stop. No, we command you stop! And stop calling us ‘basement dwellers,’ ‘Nazi LARPers’, and ‘Nazi bitches’ as well. All those terms are off-limits! They’re all so intolerant. From now on, only we get to be intolerant. And you all better be tolerant of our intolerance, or you’re the intolerant ones! And seriously, stop protesting our rallies. We just want to try to intimidate ethnic minorities in peace. We never asked to be intimidated ourselves! It’s not fair that you keep outnumbering us by thousands.

And if you don’t stop calling us Nazis, you’ll be giving us no choice except to become Nazis. You want us to drop the ‘neo’ in front of our group classification? Do you? Cause we will! We will become straight-up Nazis. Is that what you want?

If not, you better start treating us with the public respect we don’t want to have to show anyone else. Seriously. You may say to yourself that there is literally no distinction between our ironic and sarcastic contemporary ode to Nazi Germany, but we promise there is. And if you want to keep that distinction, you better stop calling us ‘Nazi bitches.’ You’re the ones turning us into Nazis with of all your protesting at our get-togethers. If we go full Nazi, it’s all of your fault, Indianapolites. Not ours.”

(Picture courtesy of Peter Merholz.)

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