This post is fourth in a series, please start with Part One (White Feelings: You have white feelings, white people, now deal with it)

Into: This discussion is limited in scope. I defined the audience in the above post; please read it. To sum up: this is a discussion directed toward white people who want to be better allies. White people who deny that racism is a problem or who deny that white people are part of the problem, or who want to whine about being excluded from this discussion, are asked to click away from this web site now (the whole rest of the internet is open for that discussion, go find it). All comments to that effect will be deleted.

In the next two posts I want to use the framework of Satir’s defensive communication stances to give us white folks some tools for doing better at race discussions. Rooting out privilege is stressful thus it is natural that we would fall back onto defensive postures, or stress positions when we are doing this work. And we (humans) have four common dysfunctional ways of dealing with stressful conversations; blaming, placating, intellectualizing, and distracting. We all engage in all of these dysfunctional behaviors sometimes (me too! example is in the post linked to above ^^)

If we can label the behaviors, see them in ourselves, then we can work toward creating more functional behaviors, and stop with ineffective White-Defensive-Scardy-Cat-I’m-Not-a-Racist-Shame (WDSCINaRS) driven conversations.

Each of these four stances deny, twist, or ignore the self, the other person, or the context of the conversation.

self- others- context

Before we go into the specific examples of blaming/placating/intellectualizing/distracting, let’s first talk about how the theory works (and as with every theory it won’t be a perfect model, it will be incomplete, but I do think it can be a very helpful in helping us see our behaviors and make them better).

self- others- context

We start with the idea that what every person needs, what every person needs, what every person needs is to be seen, to be heard, and to be valued (unconditional love, validation of our feelings). You need to be seen and heard and valued, the person of color you are speaking with needs to be seen and heard and valued, and finally we must acknowledge context. In discussions about race the context is systematic racism which must always be acknowledged not always explicitly, but pretty much always. Why? Because for POC racism is always the context, they have no choice but to live in a racist society.

self- others- context

The place where we a white folks often have a huge *others-context* blind spot is that without seeing it, without meaning to, we frequently place our need to be seen, heard, and valued out in front. We do this because STRESS, we want someone to assure us we’re doing it right, it’s a common need, but our needs don’t get to take priority. Or to put it more explicitly, our needs as white people always have come first (white supremacy). Our experience of being white, moving through the world as a white person, is seen as *normal*, we are used to being comfortable and being acknowledged, we really like feeling like our voices matter, and so it’s uncomfortable for us when we don’t come first any more, we resent it, it feels insecure and scary, and we want poc (or other white folks) to make us feel better. POC often spend a lot of time doing this for us and that really sucks for them, they get tired, and it’s not their job.

self – others- *context*

(For the rest of this post I’m go into a deeper conversation about *context*. We’ll pick up with the rest of the Satir model blaming/placating/intellectualizing/distracting in the next post in this series. Sorry it’s just so complex!)

So every conversation has a different *context*, and especially in the case of systematic racism it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What is the purpose of this conversation?” Discussions about racism often go bad, specifically because people are talking at cross purposes. When a POC enters a conversation about race with white folks, it’s usually because they have been hurt or harmed by something someone said or did (almost always unintentionally), they would like for their experience (of being hurt by systematic racism and through your actions/words) to be heard by the person who hurt them. The purpose of that conversation is to be seen and heard as a person of color who is hurt by racism.

When a White person enters that same conversation, when a POC tells them, “Your actions hurt me”, the white person’s purpose is rarely to hear and validate that hurt. We feel instantly defensive. As white people, since we are so scared of being called racist, our first response (our purpose) is to vindicate our intentions. We say things like “I didn’t mean it that way”, that “I’m not a racist.”, “You’re being too sensitive.” That instantly changes the purpose of the conversation from trying to understand the experiences of people of color, to trying to talk about your (white) feelings.

To illustrate this idea, I like to use a handy dandy tool (slightly adjusted) called Ring Theory or comfort in, dump out.

This diagram was originally created to talk about grief and loss. But I think it applies well to white feelings, and can help us remember the context of when and where to acknowledge our own needs as white people (we do have needs) and when and where to put the needs/voices/leadership of POC first.

Basically it works like this, the person closest to the center of the problem gets to say whatever they want (the person who has cancer, the person whose child just died, or the person who is the victim of racism), they get to be angry, scream at the injustice, and cry all they want. Your job is to listen, comfort, and help. (comfort in) Do not try to fix it for them, don’t give advice, or tell them about your own problem that’s kinda like racism. Don’t even dump on them how intensely guilty you feel about all your white privilege all the time (or in other contexts, don’t talk about how you feel guilty for not being sick, or for your children being alive). Basically don’t make your problems their problem. Do not tell them about that time you did a racist thing and you’re sorry, now is not the time to talk about you.

You do get to express all your own feels when the context is right. You too need to dump your fear, frustration, and white guilt, but only to people who are in a bigger circle than you are. (dump out)

To sum up: Context for discussions about race = Systematic Racism (comfort in, dump out)

So does this mean you as a white person can never be at the center of the circle in discussions about race? Pretty much, or rather, make that YES. Does this seem unfair to you? Would you feel that same way if it was a discussion about loss of a child and the grieving parents wanted you to hear their experiences? Would you feel it was appropriate then to step in and say, “Well I have cancer, and so I’m in pain too!” It’s not that your cancer doesn’t matter, or your pain isn’t real. It’s just that the time and place for that discussion is not right now, wrong context.

Keep in mind that every conversation will have a different context. If things get intense, it’s good to check in and ask, “what is the purpose of this conversation?”

When you are in the middle of becoming more aware of race issues, you are going to be intensely intensely uncomfortable, you will experience lots of embarrassment, you will be afraid to ask the wrong questions, you’ll blunder around not sure if this or that is the “right context”. You will be afraid of looking like a racist, you may be wracked with white guilt, you do need to process all these emotions, be gentle with yourself, give yourself time and space to learn. But when you’re in a conversation with a POC, stick to comfort in, stick to listening and learning.

Now that said, just to make it extra complicated we also have to keep in mind that with intersectional feminism, the center shifts depending on the context. The concerns and needs of every woman, every conversation, every group vary widely. Japanese feminists, Indigenous feminists, Black feminists, Pacific Islander feminists, Iranian feminists, biracial feminists (to name a few) are going to all have different priorities and view points, and each woman needs a chance to be at the center of her own circle (even white women, when it’s her turn), where she is seen and heard and valued. Not to mention women who are queer or poor or survivors of assault/abuse or women who have physical/mental disabilities. Not every conversation can be everything to everyone, and often we talk at cross purposes when we attempt to do that. Not to mention that especially in online spaces we often have little idea of who is speaking from what lived experience.

I do not have a magic solution to these challenges (ha ha ha ha ha, sorry the idea that I have the solution just suddenly seemed hilarious to me) (Please send me links to ideas you’ve found compelling, I’ve been reading about safe spaces, brave spaces, separate spaces, social change model, controversy with civility.) I think we white folks need to do our best to frame the context of the conversation, say “what is the purpose of this discussion” and actively carefully evaluate our responses to NOT make discussions about racism about our feelings (except in the rare specific contexts, like this one, in which it is about our feelings), and when you do have bunches of feels that must be addressed (and if you are doing it right, you will have lots of feels, this is uncomfortable and scary), attempt to dump out.

So keeping in mind self-others-context in the next post I’ll talk about blame, placating, intellectualizing, and distracting.

White Feelings 2: White People with White Feelings Want to Be the Good Guys and How This Affects POC

White Feelings 3: Shame vs. Guilt (I’m NOT a Racist vs. I Want to Do Better) and Self-Labeling

Next Post in this series: Defensive Communication Stances: Why we choose them, how they are dysfunctional, and how to do better

Followed by: Dealing with Our White Feelings Is a Great Beginning; Now Let’s Get a Solid Foundation in Theory

Finally: Action: Because Feelings and Theory Only Get Us So Far