Quay coffee.

It’s in the River Market in Kansas City. It’s really neat.

And the fact that I just used the word “neat” means that I probably shouldn’t go there anymore.

It’s a cool place. Way too cool. Like, it should be wearing rad shades and a cool jean jacket with patches of bands you’ve never heard of. Or maybe quoting some obscure passage from Voltaire that is actually relevant to the one-sided conversation you’re having about social constructs and the destiny of the commonwealth.

I shouldn’t be here.

I shouldn’t even be talking about it.

I’m not cool. I own several wands that I purchased from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I have serious opinions on why concerts are literally the worst. I can tell you what an omega level mutant is.

They made a terrible mistake letting me in here.

But I brought my wife with me. Katie’s cooler than I am. Maybe if I try to hide behind her or something. Dammit. I forgot she’s “knee-high to a grasshopper” short.

KATIE:

Watch it, fool.

Ok. Be cool man. Stop thinking about Street Sharks. Order a coffee. I know you want Chai, but don’t be a bitch. Show them you’re rad. Order black coffee. Sweet. Awesome.

$3.50?

What the fuck.

Ok. Let it go. It’s cool. There’s probably a good reason a black coffee costs half a chipotle burrito. Chill out man.

Just enjoy the space. It’s so awesome. Why can’t my house look like this? Oh yeah. You spend all your money on your Corgi and bug out bags. That’s why.

Man, this coffee is taking a while. Why is that?

Oh. It’s because this fine fellow wearing a wood working apron? The one that’s attending its creation?

He’s a fucking alchemist.

Look at all that fancy shit he’s using. If it wasn’t for the lack of a transmutation circle I’d swear he was trying to make a god damn philosopher’s stone.

Ok. Even so. It’s been like 10 minutes. I ordered black coffee. How many steps could there be?

Should I say something? Did they decide not to make my coffee because they can sense that I’m not cool enough to be here? Is it because I don’t have tastefully minimalistic tattoos? Is it because I read fantasy and science fiction books? Is it because I read The Catcher in the Rye and thought it was shit?

Oh, they just called my name. Let’s see what a $4, 15 minute coffee tastes like.

WHAT THE FUCK.

HOW IS THIS SO GOOD?!?

ALCHEMY.

I FUCKING KNEW IT.

Verdict?

You’re not cool enough for this place, but you should still go. It’s really good. It looks really awesome. You’ll enjoy yourself.

Taste: 10/10

Value: 7/10

Decor: 10/10

Bathrooms: Too preoccupied trying to be cool. Didn’t go.

Quay Coffee.

412 Delaware St, Kansas City, MO 64105