That’s right, the deadly Shake Weight, Super Soaker 2000, Balloon Sword and Hello Kitty Magazine were recovered in Iraq following the US-Iraq War.

American authorities are stunned and very concerned that this caliber of technology was simply left behind. The Intelligence Community is scrambling to determine whether ISIS has developed the know-how to fill up the super soaker with water. The latest reports suggest that ISIS may partner with Iran, recognizing that the Iranian nuclear program is nothing more than a cover for developing water-fighting technology.

Perhaps of even greater concern, confidential human sources are reporting that ISIS is using the Hello Kitty magazine for recruiting domesticated house cats from Western nations. Their leader, now carrying the intimidating balloon sword, has also entered a negotiation process with the American forces. Currently on the table, ISIS has offered to open up a McDonald’s in exchange for 3,400 hello kitty backpacks. While this seems promising, there is some early reporting that suggests disagreement within the ISIS ranks. In particular, the number 3 of the organization is demanding that U.S. Green Berets provide them with training in physical therapy — claiming excessive use of the shake weight has hindered their ability to continue fighting.