A creationist has confused the whole of the judicial system by insisting the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) push forward and charge him with ‘threatening behaviour’ despite a complete lack of evidence. Stefan Days, 44 from Dunstable, has accused himself of sending threatening letters to well-known atheist Richard Dawkins and is demanding prosecution, whilst denying all allegations made against him, by himself.

‘I have set out very clearly how the sequence of events of me threatening Mr Dawkins unfolded and demand they be taken seriously,’ he said, ‘but I know that I didn’t do it and I believe all the evidence the police have shows I couldn’t have done it, because I haven’t provided them with any. But that shouldn’t shake the police’s faith that I’m guilty as hell and they should, for the sake of the public, lock me up and throw away the key,’ he added, defiantly.

A spokesman for the CPS told a gathered media this is the first time a defendant has asked for himself to be prosecuted despite claiming innocence, and any ‘normal person’ being able to see there is no case to answer. ‘Things became more confused when we tried to tell the accused that his case against himself wouldn’t stand up in court,’ he said, ‘but he seemed offended and said; ‘go on, slap the other cheek why don’t you, you evil bastards.’

The principles in question have split people across the country. The Tax Payers Alliance have pointed out that taking this to court will be a huge waste of money. Chief Supt. Peter Riddle who is handling the case seemed to agree, saying; ‘all he’s given us is a couple of old paintings where some elderly bearded gentleman in white robes is pointing the finger, and that’s really not enough for us to go on.’

‘But Mr Days of all people should know,’ he added, ‘that it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a deluded self prosecutor with a cast-iron alibi to enter D-Wing at Wormwood Scrubs on a three to six month stretch with no remission.’

Giving off an aura of someone who had done his job well, and with an obvious sense of pride he concluded; ‘Mr Days must accept that everyone is equal under the law and no-one is above it; there is no higher authority who can help him out here and we all have to have a bit of faith in the system. And may I just add, God save the Queen.’

2nd January 2012