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Do Not Probe Until X-Mas

Unbelievable. I’ve been flying over 150 years and now I have to prove I’m not a terrorist? What was it, the beard?

The indignity of it all, that’s what gets me. I’m revered the world over. I get more fan mail than bin Laden and Obama combined. And I have to open up and spread ‘em for some rent-a-cop like I’m the grand poobah of al-Grincha. Some might call that fair; I call it naughty.

Whoa there, pal. Easy with that particular package, OK? If anything happens to it I don’t think even my elves could make another one.

Wear this shirt: through TSA screening this travel season for extra intimate holiday fun!

Don’t wear this shirt: through one of those body scanners. Then everybody will see Santa naked.

This shirt tells the world: “Yes, Virginia, there’s more to it than the term ‘pat-down’ implies.”

We call this color: Threat Level Greensleeves.

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