Washington D.C.—

During a weekly presidential meeting in the Oval Office, Vice President Mike Pence noticed that the Bible he purchased for President Donald Trump as an inauguration gift sat horizontally on a bookshelf with a full coating of dust.

“Mike told us that he was a little bummed when he noticed that,” explained a VP aide, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the emotions he knew Mr. Pence would never reveal publicly. “He’s been trying real hard to turn the President into a religious man, but the President just doesn’t have a humble bone in his body. Trump has no interest in higher authorities than himself, I’m afraid, and often makes self-idolizing comments that just stun Pence, who is so religious he asks God for forgiveness when he accidentally sees his own reproductive organs in the bathroom. Mike even took the time to pick out Biblical verses that he thought related to the monumental task of being president, and put color-coded sticky notes on the pages for easy searching for Trump. But those little color tabs sticking out from the pages are coated in dust, too. It seems likely that Trump hasn’t touched the book once since he put it there on his shelf after his inauguration parties. This week Mike was already upset with the President because of the child-separation thing going on at the border, so seeing that the Bible was a total waste of a gift put Mike in a bad spot. He considers himself a Bible foster parent, and he spends much of his free-time collecting Bibles from local thrift stores, and taking them out for ‘walks’ he calls them, where he takes out all of his Bibles one at a time and reads a passage from each one so every Bible gets a chance to be read from daily. He makes jokes that he’s like a Bible-sitter. He usually reads the Old Testament because he thinks he can find a new anti-gay reference no one else has ever discovered yet, and he sometimes gets frustrated with how liberal Jesus sounds throughout the New Testament. With the gift to Trump, though, he was unhappy thinking how that poor, lonely Bible had been practically abandoned in the President’s purely decorative library. Mike is thinking about just stealing the Bible back. It’s not like Trump would even notice it was missing, you know?”

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(Picture courtesy of the US Embassy Jerusalem.)

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