2035 – The Year In Review

By Paul Homewood

You’ve seen the trailer, and now, with the help of a time machine, it’s what you’ve all been waiting for!

2035 – The Year in Review

January

The New Year began in the same way the old one finished, cold and snowy. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

Power cuts had become a regular feature of life, as the grid failed to cope with demand, following the closure of the last of the gas-fired power stations in 2033, as a result of the Gummer Gas Power Station Directive (2032).

The computer dependent economy was left in chaos as industry and commerce (or what was left of it) shut down for hours on end. Worse still, two aircraft collided above Heathrow, with the loss of 580 lives, after the backup generator had failed at Air Traffic Control.

For many ordinary people the cuts made little difference – they had already had their electricity cut off, unable to afford the sky high prices. Local woodlands were denuded as people collected every bit of wood they could find to burn at home.

Those with gas heating fared little better. The Gummer Gas Users Directive (2031) had introduced rationing and a carbon tax which tripled prices. Most households had enough for a couple of days heating, as long as they did not want to cook or wash.

February

With Nissan’s announcement that their Tyne & Wear assembly plant would close, the last vestige of the British car industry disappeared. The writing had been on the wall since the Gummer Motor Transport Directive (2026), which rationed fuel, raised vehicle duty to £1200 pa, and increased fuel duty to £2.50 per litre.

At the end of the month, the Daily BBC Guardian announced that it was putting its licence fee up to £985 pa. The fee was compulsory for all households whether they had a TV or not, or could even read.

(The free press had been expunged years ago. Problems began after the Daily Mail columnist, Quentin Letts, had been censured for suggesting that the Met Office might not be quite perfect. Soon, the newly formed State Press Commission attempted to ban all criticism of public bodies, from the EU down to the Met Office and BBC. First they tried punitive fines, and then resorted to compulsory closure and jailing of editors and journalists).

After a frigid winter, Brits finally had some spring warmth to cheer them. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

March

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Trilby, announced that the Church of England would be renamed the Assembly of Religious, Socialist Environmentalists, or A.R.S.E. “The old name”, he said, “was fuddy duddy. The new one better reflects where we’re down at these days, innit”.

He also confirmed that the new Bible, due to be published next year, would remove all references to God. New LGBT and Australian characters would be introduced in order to reflect the diverse nature of society in ancient Judea.

A new paper by Cook & Lewandowsky found that 110% of all scientists believed that man made global warming was the most dangerous thing ever to have happened in the whole history of the world. Comrade Harrabin of the Daily BBC Guardian said that the world’s politicians must act on this warning at the COP41 Climate Conference, to be held in November in Monaco.

April

The Easter holiday was, as usual, a wash out. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

Archbishop Trilby announced that Easter would be abolished from next year, as nobody believed in all this Jesus stuff anymore.

There was news from the Brussels Government that Austria had filed an appeal against the Hinkley Point nuclear project on the grounds of illegal state subsidies. This was in fact an appeal against the rejection of their previous appeal, which was against the rejection of their original appeal in 2015. As a result, construction would be delayed for at least another seven years.

The Maldives Government, holding their annual underwater cabinet meeting, announced plans to build three more airports and develop five more leisure complexes on uninhabited islands. The projects would be financed by Chinese investors.

May

The Government published statistics showing that unemployment had increased for the fifteenth year running, to 6.2 million. The President of the NW Euro Region reassured the public that millions of new green jobs would soon be created.

Arsenal Clinton announced that he would be entering the race for the Presidency next year, when his mother, Chelsea, stepped down.

Meanwhile, the President of the Greater Texas Republic, Ted Cruz, said the new 12ft high steel border fence would shortly be complete. The controversial fence, started last year, is designed to keep out economic migrants from the US.

In football news, Chelsea appointed Jose Mourinho as manager for the fifth time.

June

King Charles warned that we only had six months left to save the planet from global warming. Critics pointed out that global temperatures had been dropping for the last 20 years.

The IMF reported that China had overtaken the US in GDP per capita rankings, after logging up 8% growth last year. China has long since overtaken the US in total GDP terms, taking advantage of abundant and cheap fossil fuels. Ambrose Evans-Pritchard, writing in the Daily BBC Guardian, claimed that solar panels were now nearly as cheap as coal and gas, and that fossil fuels would soon be a thing of the past in China.

Chelsea announced that John Terry’s contract would be extended for another 12 months.

England lost the First Test against Afghanistan. Skipper, Alastair Cook, complained that his players struggled with the 80F heat. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming, but Kevin Pietersen said they would not have lost if he had been playing.

July

A new study from NOAA proved that global temperatures had actually been rising for the last 30 years. Sceptics had long claimed that the world was actually getting colder, but the study by Thomas Karl found that temperatures prior to 2015 had been overestimated by more than 1C, and therefore needed to be adjusted downwards.

A court sentenced Nigel Farage to six months at the EU Re-education Centre, for criticising President Blair.

England hung on to draw the Second Test against Afghanistan, after rain washed out the final day’s play. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming, and Kevin Pietersen said they would have won if he had been playing.

Big Arnie stars in the newly released Terminator 17, as a robot sent back from the 25thC to kill the robot sent back from the 24thC, which had been sent back to kill (cont p98).

August

Developing countries, led by China, India and S Korea, insisted that developed countries must do the most to cut emissions of CO2. It was wrong, they said, to expect developing countries to limit their economic growth. They also said the upcoming COP41 in Monaco must deal with the issue of compensation. Developed countries had, they claimed, promised to pay $100bn a year twenty years ago, but so far only $9bn had been handed over.

There were riots in Athens, as the Greek Parliament voted for the austerity package, which would unlock the $120bn bailout package from the EU/IMF. The bailout was needed to pay off the previous bailout in 2032, which was needed to pay off the previous bailout, which was needed………………… Unemployment in Greece hit an all time high of 67% earlier this year.

It was a damp, overcast month, and output from solar panels was frequently pitifully small, leading to regular power cuts.

England’s cricket team lost their one day match against the Romanian Women’s team by 126 runs. Julia Slingo said they would have won if she had been playing. Kevin Pietersen blamed it on global warming. [Shurely a mistake? Ed]

September

The UN expressed extreme concern that the world’s cereal production was likely to be lower than average this autumn for the third year running. Cold winters and springs in the Northern Hemisphere meant that growing seasons were three weeks shorter than normal. Severe drought conditions across the Russian Steppes, comparable to the 1970’s, have made matters even worse.

Top scientists of the time, such as HH Lamb, believed that the 1972 Russian drought was caused by the expanding Arctic ice cap. This has again been happening in recent years, and data shows that the Arctic minimum ice extent this summer is the highest since 1985.

The UK Government announced that it would be buying 100 jet fighters from India, to replace the aged Tornado fleet, which had been built by the now defunct British Aerospace.

England’s chances of reaching next summer’s European Championship football tournament vanished after losing 2-0 to Liechtenstein. Captain, Wayne Rooney, 50, who missed a crucial penalty, complained that his meat pie might have been sabotaged.

October

Professor Peter Wadhams warned that the Arctic ice cap could disappear within five years unless we built more windmills. Inhabitants of Iceland were surprised by this news, as much of their coastline had been hemmed in by sea ice all summer, in the worst conditions since 1979.

At home, DEFRA announced that a cold, damp summer had led to one of the poorest harvests for years.

At the end of the month, Britain shivered as blizzards brought six inches of snow to London. Heathrow was closed for three days, whilst much of the motorway network was at a standstill. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

India published plans to build another 500 coal power stations in the next five years, to bring to fruition the objective of providing cheap and reliable energy to the whole of the country. The government said that enormous progress had already been made in the last 20 years, thanks to investment in coal and nuclear power.

Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, was under investigation for bribery, relating to the awarding of the 2038 World Cup to Dubai. Blatter had been reinstated in his post back in 2023, after an eight year ban for corruption.

November

Guy Fawkes Night was a bit of a damp squib, following the government’s decision to ban all bonfires. Secretary of State for Climate Change, Tarquin Wright-Pratt, explained that this was necessary to help meet our CO2 targets.

DEFRA began plans to issue ration books for bread and certain other foodstuffs, after food shortages had led to civil unrest.

The world’s leading climate expert, James Hansen, warned that Manhattan would soon be under several feet of water, before he was led away by doctors in white coats. Meanwhile, Christopher Booker, 97, was sentenced to six months hard labour at the EU Correction Center in Brussels. He had been found guilty of telling the truth.

Arrangements were now in full flow for the COP41 Climate Conference in Monaco. As there were not enough hotel rooms for all of the 50,000 attendees, several cruise liners, including the QE4, were parked offshore. All of the best restaurants had been booked up long ago, so Greenpeace made sure their staff would not suffer by hiring a top team of chefs led by Gordon Ramsay.

December

Reporters wept and danced in the streets as the world’s leaders declared that they had agreed to save the planet from global warming, at the end of the COP41 Climate Conference in Monaco. Under the new agreement, developing countries led by China and India would be allowed to increase emissions as much as they wanted until 2050. Developed countries, who were wrecking the climate with their 10% of global emissions, promised to cut them to zero within 15 years.

The new Star Wars film, Episode XX: Attack of the Zimmer Frames, broke all box office records on its opening day. From the Bide a Wee While care home, Harrison Ford said that this would be his last film, as his light sabre was getting too limp.

Britain ground to a halt as several inches of snow covered the country amid record low temperatures. A brass monkey was even observed crying his eyes out in Trafalgar Square.

Julia Slingo is 98.

And Finally!

I would like to wish everybody a Happy and Prosperous New Year. I would also have wished you all a Merry Xmas, but it was banned ten years ago!