Cougars - unyoung women on the prowl DECEMBER-MAY

Melanie Garrett, of Granite Bay and Nick Santoro of Oakland share a conversation during the "Cougars" single party at Faz Restaurant on Thursday Jan. 8, 2009, in Danville, Calif. Melanie Garrett, of Granite Bay and Nick Santoro of Oakland share a conversation during the "Cougars" single party at Faz Restaurant on Thursday Jan. 8, 2009, in Danville, Calif. Photo: Michael Macor, The Chronicle Photo: Michael Macor, The Chronicle Image 1 of / 8 Caption Close Cougars - unyoung women on the prowl 1 / 8 Back to Gallery

Standing tall in a thigh-baring mini dress with a neckline that exposed her ample cleavage, Melanie Garrett, 50, stood out from the crowd in the Faz restaurant bar in Danville on a recent weeknight, and not just because of her decollete or her 6-foot frame.

Garrett was clad in seductive black - and not leopard-print clothing, the costume of the hour - although she was, admittedly, on the prowl.

More than 100 guests looking for liaisons, if not love, paid $10 each to mingle at the East Bay's first "Single Cougars Party," an event sponsored by the Society of Single Professionals, billed as the world's largest nonprofit for singles.

The aim, according to society founder Rich Gosse, was to help break the age taboos against older women dating younger men. More experienced women have been dubbed "cougars" for their independent, or, some say, predatory ways.

"It's more conventional in the Bay Area to be gay than it is to be a cougar," Gosse said. "I'm trying to get cougars out of the closet."

Garrett, a divorced entrepreneur accustomed to taking risks, had no trouble with that. She drove 102 miles each way, from Granite Bay, near Sacramento, to the Danville singles party, in her bid for a date.

"Me, a cougar? I love hearing that," she purred, flashing a mane of blond hair and a white smile. "I'll date anyone from 18 on up, and I'm 50. Us cougars, we hunt all over." The crowd was about 80 percent women, many of them in their 50s, and about 20 percent men, who ranged in age from their mid-20s to their 60s.

Nick Santoro, 26, a marketing coordinator for an engineering firm, was roped into attending by his friend Paul Lee, 30, a university administrator from Oakland. Santoro just happened to be one of the first men Garrett approached.

"What's the appeal of older women? Where do I begin?" Santoro said. "Am I into older women? Why not? I'm into women, and I thought it would be fun, and it is. I'm probably the youngest guy here."

Lee said role reversal is the key.

"Younger women tend to not know what they want, whereas older women do," he said. "It's attractive, instead of chasing someone, to be chased." There is also an appeal, he indicated, in not having to make a commitment. Older women don't build their worlds around younger men, he said, because they have careers, full lives and friends.

"I enjoy my life and I want to enhance it," Lee said. "I'm not interested in marriage at this point; I just want to share moments in my life with someone else. I think a lot of people in the Bay Area are like me, busy, with hobbies and without a lot of time to go out."

The term "cougar" is believed to have originated in Vancouver, British Columbia, bars as a derogatory term, according to Valerie Gibson, a Toronto journalist and author of "Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men," (Key Porter Books, 2001).

"I said, 'Wow, cougar!' " Gibson recalled in a phone interview last week. "Even though it meant an older woman drunk in a bar grabbing at a young man, I said, 'That's a great name. Cougars are gorgeous, wonderful creatures - sleek, strong, in control of their environment. What a wonderful image. What about making it into a positive image?' "

Women more in control

Whether it has been Hollywood's influence, the influence of her book hitting the media or a slow societal shift as women have become more financially successful and independent, women have taken control of their sexuality by leaps and bounds during the seven years since her book came out, Gibson believes.

"When you're older, you're supposed to give it up and sit in a rocking chair and knit," Gibson said. "Society discarded older women at a certain point because they couldn't procreate. Men tossed them aside, called them 'mutton dressed up as lamb,' or 'old and foolish,' " she said. "Today, women are doing the choosing and the dumping in their sexual lives. They don't sit by the phone waiting for a man to call. They're not interested in marriage, kids or cohabiting. They're interested in good sex and living their lives the way they want to. They are taking the reins of the relationship, turning it upside down."

Gosse, founder of the dating society, which organizes events on six continents (and can be found at www.thepartyhotline.com), is also the author of several books on dating, including "You Can Hurry Love." He said he knows from experience that dating older women can be pleasurable, and he is trying to create a cultural shift. He started his singles society - which has no religious affiliation - at the Unitarian Church in San Rafael in 1978.

Back then, as now, he said, it was hard to find people to date, and "I had to date older women or not date at all," he said. "There have always been older women at singles' parties. We're just trying to make it socially acceptable." His first official cougars party was held last year at Park Chalet in San Francisco; a second was held in Palo Alto. The fourth official cougars event will be a Valentine's Ball on Feb. 12 at Trader Vic's in Emeryville.

He said he hopes that more young men will realize that older women are mature, comfortable with their personalities and accomplished. Today, compared with previous generations, women are more physically fit, and with visits to the dermatologist and hair salon, appear more youthful than their grandmothers did at the same age.

"Cougars are more interesting than bimbos you can meet in bars," he said, unapologetically. "The men their age are out of shape, bald and need Viagra. The cougars' biggest complaint is that men their age don't have the same energy level. Young guys are not only better looking but have higher energy, too."

Definition of a cougar

There is some disagreement on the definition of a cougar. The Web site Therealcougarwoman.com, calls a cougar as "sexy, smart, independent ... and ... over 40," while Dateacougar.com has listings for purported cougars all of 18 or 35 years old seeking men, perhaps playing with the notion of aggressive love-hunting while identifying with the cougar moniker.

Anita Blake, 55, a medical sales representative from Pleasanton who was married for 20 years and divorced four years ago, attended the party with friend Sue Sunder, 55, of San Ramon, a radio frequency coordinator for the NFL, who was married for 17 years. Blake said she dislikes the term "cougar" because of its negative connotations. Nevertheless, she went to the event to get out and meet people, and found herself perched on a chair next to Bob Leisure, 46, a project manager from San Mateo. He had gone to the bar to watch football after work.

"This place was empty at 6 p.m. and at 7, I found myself surrounded by attractive women wearing name tags who are extremely friendly - unlike a typical meat market, where they're overly pretentious and unfriendly," he said. Turning to Blake, he said, "You're fun! It's all about having a good time."

Turning to a reporter, he added, with a smile, "I never thought this would happen tonight."

Prefers older women

Across the room, Eugene Leeung, 26, a software engineer from Berkeley, who considered himself dressed up in a T-shirt and jeans, said he liked dating older women. When he was 22, he dated someone who was 42.

"She knew what she wanted," he said. "Mature women don't play games."

Now, for the big question: Do cougars want relationships? "It depends," said Garrett, who slipped away from the bar with someone she met so they could grab a bite of food in the dining room. "It's however it works out - except if they're too young, like under 30. I wouldn't want to hinder them from experiencing the things I've experienced, or keep them from living life to the fullest."

Calling all cougars A Valentine's party for single cougars will be held from 7 to 9 p.m. Feb. 12 at Trader Vic's, 9 Anchor Drive, Emeryville.The event, open to single women of all ages and men who would like to date them, is sponsored by the Society of Single Professionals. Tickets are $10 at the door. Appetizers will be served during the first hour. Dress to impress. For information, call (415) 507-9962. The Society of Single Professionals is a nonprofit group that says it hosts events on six continents. In the Bay Area, the society's Web site lists 170 organizations with events for singles to meet and greet. Follow links to "Singles Guide to the Bay Area." The group also sponsors 150 parties a year. For information, go to www.thepartyhotline.com.