I attended the inaugural Middlelands in Todd Mission, Texas this past weekend. You can read about my personal experience here. But here’s a list of things that were overheard at the Insomniac-produced festival, which featured Kaskade, Bassnectar, and a slew of other top-flight electronic acts.

First, I’ll start off with things I personally overheard, and then turn it over to some of the best comments from this hilarious Facebook post in the Middlelands Clan Facebook group.

“Fuck, I really like this song, but I’m saving my neck for Bassnectar.” — girl on the rail during Alison Wonderland

“Ketamine is really just like long-lasting whippets.”

“I have condoms and dental dams if any of you need them! Always be prepared!” — girl on the rail before Big Gigantic

“Can I bum a cig?”

“Nah, I only have a few left. But want a bump of coke?”

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“And then they said I was like the hottest guy at the party and that her and her boyfriend wanted to have a threesome with me. He said, ‘Want to Eiffel Tower my girlfriend?’ I couldn’t say no.” — super bro dude to another super bro dude (Samantha T.)

“It’s 10 AM somewhere.” — guy opening beer a little after 9 AM near Shady Glade bathrooms (Jason P.)

“I don’t know, it must have fallen out of my butt. I don’t know what to tell you.” (Stephen R.)

“TALK TO ME!! WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO ME!?!?” — girl yelling at a balloon with a face drawn on it at Bassnectar (Thad M.)

“Would you rather me give you a blowjob or take down our tent?”

“Please take down the tent.” (Jason P.)

“April 15th was last month. Stop doing your taxes and roll that blunt!” (Colin M.)

“I don’t give a fuck. This shit is tight. But I have kids, I can’t not have a job because I think this shit is tight.” — cops to one of the Soundcamp runners as they get shut down for noise

“I don’t know why colors exist.” (Jonathan J.)

“Do you think I can sneak this opened chapstick in?”

“Dude you literally snuck a shit ton of drugs in.”

“Oh…true.” (Sarah D.)

“What business of it is hers how much I masturbate and where?” (Timothy O.)

“What’s your favorite kind of hummus?” (Krissy S.)

“The person I came with brought a dildo attached to a drill so I’m not staying in that tent anymore.” (Marc D.)

“Hell yeah, it’s 3 AM and I’ve got enough cocaine, vodka, and lucy to make it to sunrise.” (Payton G.)

“Where is the bathroom!? I can’t find the bathroom!!” — guy in mosh pit during Snails (Skyler K.)

“Cupholders. Port-a-Pottys need cupholders.” (Thomas S.)

“I’m so far into my K-hole I need to chill out … but if it’s lit you better be coming back to get me, I ain’t wasting this shit.” (Becca B.)

“(SCREAM!) — frustrated girl as she’s too fucked up to put chapstick on, keeps missing her lips (Lindsey M.)

“I was really upset because my hands felt like quicksand but then I thought it was funny and liked it. I just needed to get to know that new part of my body.” (Krystina N.)

“[Guy blows a kiss with a blow-up doll] This is our first festival together.” (Kori M.)

“Well…the only solution is to chop it down. — guy after security fails to convince guy to come down from tree (Chas A.)

“Oh my god it’s like the size of my pinky-toe now.” — Scottish accent coming from freezing cold showers (Bobby N.)

“Want to know the best thing about camping? It’s fucking intense (fucking in tents).” (Jillian M.)

“My mom told me to put up my hammock BEFORE taking the acid. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I know that is the best advice she’s ever given me.” (Kylie B.)

“Who wants tequila shots!?” — white-girl voice at 7:30 AM (Angel N.)

“I really like this patch of grass.” [There’s no patch of grass anywhere] (Renee H.)

“Umm, sir, we are no in position to make financial decisions. I’m not even sure I can remember how to read right now.” — dude to monk selling books (Kylie B.)

“Water, then more drugs. Let me say it for the people in the back — WATER — then drugs.” — security guy (Heather K.)

“YESS! FUCK MEE!!”

“Okay.”

“Not YOU. BASSNECTAR!” (Gloria M.)