We all know it's best for everyone involved if we don't think too hard about the mysteries that dwell within hot dogs. But assorted-liquefied-beast-filled wieners definitely aren't the only processed food harboring terrible, barf-worthy secrets. Wanna drop a few pounds before climate change turns the entire year into "beach season"? No diet will be more effective than simply reading about all the crap (sometimes for real) they're putting in your chow. Like how ...

6 Pretty Much All Hamburgers Contain A Little Bit Of Poop

The "sustainable foods" crowd found much reason to rejoice when a Consumer Reports investigation revealed that "no-antibiotic, grass fed, and organic" ground beef had a markedly lower rate of bacteria such as enterococcus and E. coli -- you know, the stuff in poop. But ultimately, no matter what type of pureed bovine you eat, it's going to contain some amount of shit.

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"Bon apPOOtit."

Indeed, every single sample that was tested, from the grodiest of cut-rate bodega meat to the smuggest of natural food store offerings, contained evidence of cow-pie-related bacteria. But if you'd like to minimize your intake of the southbound emergences of northbound cows, then yes, you're better off shopping in places where there's also an abundance of kale and artisan cheeses. The choice is yours: Would you rather be full of shit literally or figuratively?

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The enterococcus portion of the graph can also double for the level of self-satisfaction.

Still, everyone can surely agree that the ideal situation would be if there was no poop in the equation. It's not just the fact that it's extraordinarily gross, but also that these (often antibiotic-resistant) colonic cow-borne bacteria can seriously fuck you up. While you'd think you might be able to flame-broil the grossness right out with enough heat, the nature of ground beef means the filth is dispersed throughout the length and breadth of your burger -- but go ahead and keep ordering stuff rare, cowboy.