I was watching The Rachel Maddow Show the other day (and with that I have hopefully banished most of the meatheads to the comment section so they can wail about my bias) when I heard a sentence that cannot possible have ever been uttered by human lips before in history: “Don’t you dare carve happy faces on open, pussy sores.” This… unique sentiment was part of a truly remarkable anti-LGBT diatribe being shouted by Pastor Kevin Swanson at the National Religious Liberties Conference in which three Republican presidential hopefuls were in attendance. One of those was our own Ted Cruz, who apparently has no problem associating himself with a guy who also claims he would protest same-sex marriages by spreading cow manure on himself and sitting at the door of the church and assured the audience Harry Potter was leading people into homosexuality.

It’s 2015, Senator Cruz. Back to the Future is now a movie entirely about the past, America controls all the water on Mars through our robot army, a transwoman was on the cover of Vanity Fair and you can play a dating simulator starring gay orcs. All this, and a man who wants to be president in 2017 is looking for votes in a crowd of people whose ruminations on the rights of homosexuals honestly includes actual, literal bullshit.

Since I lack either the imagination or enough drugs to hallucinate the world of President Cruz I think today we’ll go the opposite route. Texas seems incapable of producing anyone worthy of being the commander in chief in real life anymore, but what of the land of fiction? Sit back and picture…

President Bobby Hill (King of the Hill)

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Pros: Bobby Hill is well-known for being likeable, particularly with women. This could give him an edge in both securing women’s votes as well as opening up a greater dialogue on women’s issues. Having studied an Eastern religion he is more knowledgeable about other cultures and less hardline on American exceptionalism. His unusual eating habits would serve him well on the campaign trail where it seems every person running for president has to stop at a local eatery and try some bizarre signature dish. He’s even a good shot with a rifle because for some reason that matters. Sensitive but determined when angered Bobby Hill can cut through the Washington deadlock!

Cons: Bobby Hill will only be 30 when the next president is sworn in, making him too young to legally do the job and probably too inexperienced.

President Dell Conagher (Team Fortress II)

Pros: One of my biggest complaints about Ted Cruz is that he uses science like virgins use their genitals, except that virgins will eventually figure things out based on repeated experimentation and examination of evidence. We need a man like Team Fortress’s engineer! He is the perfect consensus candidate. His background as a roughneck in the oil fields will appeal to both wealthy and working class conservatives, while his 11 hard science Ph.Ds will sway the intelligentsia. Conagher is a man with an amiable, down-home manner that is friendly but he has the drive to solve practical problems.

Cons: He’s a bit hawkish, and the world is understandably a little twitchy at the idea of a hawkish Texan being the American president again.

President Herman Blume (Rushmore)

Pros: In case you can’t watch the clip above I’m going to quote it in its entirety as the reason President Blume would kick more ass than Nick Novak in a room full of people wearing football underwear…

You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.



Cons: Associating Bill Murray with the presidency is unfair to other world leaders who will never be that cool, possibly destabilizing the global community elsewhere as disillusioned citizens riot in envy.

President Daria Morgendorffer (Beavis and Butt-head and its spin-off Daria)

Pros: Daria remains an iconic character thanks to her unflappable personality and her long-running quest against the vapid and stupid. She’s a true outsider like so many conservative voters say they want, but she tempers her anti-establishment attitudes with compassion for marginalized groups. Though she comes across sullen, even mean, the contents of her speeches tend to be very persuasive thanks to their solid logic and bald worldview. She was even known to continuously try and work with bettering Beavis and Butt-head, rarely outright giving up on the boys no matter how disappointing their interactions with her were.

Cons: She is not exactly a good delegator of responsibility thanks to her low esteem for other people.

President Whataburger Ketchup

Pros: I’m cheating a bit here because Whatburger Ketchup is real. It’s just not sentient that we know of. It is, however, a symbol of nostalgia and pride to Texans that unites us across all ideologies. Unlike other fast food joints Whataburger knows how to be spiritual without descending into fundamentalist bigotry, which is an important skill in America today. We know for a fact that unlike a possible President Cruz we can count on President Ketchup (Spicy to its friends) to not try and abolish the IRS or repeal the Affordable Care Act tossing millions off their insurance or instruct the Department of Justice to investigate Planned Parenthood or return America to economic policies that directly led to the Great Depression. We know this not because ketchup is an inanimate dipping sauce, but because ketchup - good, dependable, American ketchup from Whataburger - would not betray us like that.

Cons: Limit two per customer.

Jef's collection of stories about vampires and drive-thru churches, The Rook Circle, is out now. You can also find him on Facebook and Twitter.

