The dilemma I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, and recently he has decided he wants kids when before we both shared views on not wanting them. He believes time will change my mind (he is 31 and I am 22), but I know myself. I am ready for every other big step in life – getting a house with him, getting married – both of which he has not expressed he wants. I want to believe I will change my mind, but I’m afraid it will then be too late for him to have kids. I’m scared he’ll resent me if I don’t give him a baby. And worse, I believe I will resent him if I do. Any advice? I don’t want to leave him, but I’m afraid it’s the more responsible decision. No matter how much it will hurt.

Mariella replies Whoa, steady on! This really isn’t as calamitous as you might think, and there’s certainly no need for immediate action. That said, you’ve presented me with a more complicated situation than is immediately apparent. In isolation, the baby issue may appear momentous, but it’s actually more of a distraction. You are barely out of your teens and have years ahead of you in which to ponder your options on parenting. It would be unusual if you were champing at the bit to get on with procreating when only 22 years old.

When it comes to breeding, we’re evolving into late starters, not least because with increasing lifelines we cling on to the distractions of youth for much longer. There are plenty of arguments about the best time to become a parent and, although leaving it too late is a bad idea, very few of the arguments weigh up on the side of extreme youth.

Why does he want to highlight an impasse that exists between you at a time when it’s truly not relevant?

Working out who you are and what you want to achieve is definitely more easily embarked on without the responsibility of raising a child. But don’t make the mistake of assuming what you feel now is what you will feel forever.

Adaptability is a key characteristic as we move through life. Imagine how boring it would be if your opinions, your psychology and your appearance were determined in perpetuity by the age of 20. We would be little better than robots! At your age you may be in a minority in admitting you don’t want a baby at all. But I’d wager you’re in the majority of young women who’d prefer to defer until they’ve had time to enjoy unfettered freedom.

As I said at the outset, I can’t help feeling this isn’t about the reality of parenting. Your boyfriend is throwing down a challenge and you need to work out why and what it is. In the absence of proposals for cohabitation or similar commitments for the long term, this baby business seems to be a red herring. Why does he want to highlight an impasse that exists between you at a time when it’s truly not relevant? It may be he doesn’t understand that having a baby is ideally an evolutionary phase in a committed relationship, not something you pick off the shelf in passing.

You’ve been together three years now without any of the groundwork for your future being laid out as far as you describe it. Is there any possibility that your boyfriend is actively trying to make you reconsider the relationship by pushing you on something he knows you can’t agree to? It would be a classic coward’s way out of discussing the more general misgivings he may be experiencing.

He wants an answer and it’s either because he can’t decide whether to bind himself to you further, or is looking for a catalyst to escape blamelessly. Either way, it’s you who has the choice. If he wants promises about a future you can’t yet envisage, you either forge ahead with a deadline in a few years for a final decision on parenting, or accept now that on this important issue you will most likely remain unreconciled.

Obviously, you can’t even consider having a baby until the future prospects of your partnership are part of the conversation, and your determination not to have one will affect how far you can embrace a long-term relationship. I’d be tempted to think not only about the personal freedom that being unencumbered by a child has to offer, but also how much life might open up if you were being cajoled into making very adult decisions while still in the sampling phase of your life.

I’d certainly put my foot down about further baby talk until you’ve created the infrastructure to sustain such a momentous decision. If it’s unfettered freedom you’re after, I’d also consider the pros and cons of your current relationship. It can devour as much of your time and energy as a child and be far less rewarding.

You are young, with a zest for life, and can move through the world unencumbered in the knowledge there will be plenty of opportunities to add constraints as time inexorably moves on. And what a perfect time of the year to opt for reinvention!

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1