A Los Angeles DJ got a bit of a family tree shock after finally discovering the identity of the man who impregnated his mother- serial killer Charles Manson.

Having been raised by adoptive parents, Matthew Roberts located his birth mother- a woman named Terry- in Wisconsin. Roberts corresponded with the woman and requested details about the circumstances surrounding his birth. Roberts learned that he was originally named Lawrence Alexander, but his biological mom remained quiet about the man who fathered her newly-found son for quite some time. Much to Roberts’ shock and horror, Terry finally disclosed that her son was the product of a “drug-fueled orgy” in which she says Charles Manson raped her.

Roberts, who describes himself as a vegetarian and Ghandi-fan, has tried to take the news in stride, but has suffered from intermittent depression since discovering the story behind his adoption:

“I’m not nuts but I’ve got a little bit of it. It’s scary and upsetting. If I get worked up, my eyes get really big and that’s really freaked some people out before. “I’ve tried to tone that down quite a bit. I don’t like having that effect on people. “I don’t even like the fact that I’m big. It makes me even scarier. My hero is Gandhi. I’m an extremely non-violent, peaceful person and a vegetarian. “I don’t even kill bugs. I’ve had long hair all my life. I could make it go away, but I can’t let the world and their fears change me.”

Since the discovery, Roberts has struggled with the idea of having a relationship with his father, saying that while he doesn’t “want to love (Manson),” he doesn’t want to hate him either.