So today the gods of the election council spoke. Twenty eight parties will be entering the general election, to be held on March 15. Below you’ll find a comprehensive list of the contestants, plus a brief summary of their respective backgrounds.

Frontrunners:

PVV. Fascists. Actually discussed going door to door to check if people were secretly harboring a Quran. Want to exit the EU and abolish the Euro. Leader Geert Wilders has a stupid haircut and photoshops his own image to make himself look more Aryan. Frontrunner by a mile, near double digit lead.

VVD. Neoliberal shitheads. Been in power in one form or other since the dawn of man (or at least since the 90s). Current coalition leader, expected to be in the next government. Not sure if current PM Mark Rutte will make it that far.

Second best:

GroenLinks. The green party. Leader Jesse Klaver, who is all of 13 years old, tries to be a white version of Obama. Has managed to create a decent cult of personality among supporters, rest of the country thinks he’s a twat.

D66. The so-called reasonable center. Wants to spend 2000% of GDP on education. Leader Alexander Pechtold is probably the most hated man in politics, especially among supporters of PVV. The antithesis of a working class party.

CDA. The Christian center. At any given moment leader Sybrand Buma looks like he just devoured a dozen lemons. Wants to regulate everything because freedom is bad. Will probably end up with more seats than currently anticipated.

(actual photo of Buma.)

The Left:

PvdA. Labour. Incompetent beyond words. In decline since the late 90s, after two consecutive cabinets. Manages to nominate one walking disaster after the other. Leader Lodewijk Asscher has been responsible for the execution of the neoliberal agenda of the current cabinet, against which he himself is now campaigning. Fast becoming irrelevant.

SP. Socialists. Used to campaign under the simple yet elegant slogan “against.” Keep pushing forward the least appealing politicians in history. Emile Roemer is no exception, singlehandedly lost a double digit gain within two weeks during the last election. Permanently angry and highly ineffective.

Artikel 1. Newcomer. Anti-racists, pretty much one issue. Headed by former tv host Sylvana Simons, who is both the most hated woman in the country pretty much due to being a vocal woman of colour and is currently being sued by her previous party for breach of contract. Uncertain at best if they’ll obtain a single seat.

DENK. Former members of Labour, currently suing Sylvana Simons for breach of contract. Anti-racists, pro immigration, aiming at the Muslim vote. Not to be overestimated.

PVDD. Not quite sure how to translate this, but basically the Animal Party. Youngest candidate is 16 years old. Leader Marianne Thieme (not 16) is a Seventh Day Adventist who concludes every speech by paraphrasing Cato (thanks redditor!). Once held the record for asking the most parliamentary questions during a term. Will probably obtain three to four seats.

Nieuwe Wegen. Headed by disgruntled former Labour member Jacques Monasch. Irrelevant at best.

Piratenpartij. Pirates. Guardians of basic human rights such as privacy. Headed by former exhibitionist Ancilla van der Leest. Recently lost a good portion of its leadership due to internal strife. Politically inept.

The Right:

VNL. Former PVV members, now headed by former journalist and stupidest man alive Jan Roos. Likes to call itself the decent alternative to VVD, while threatening journalists with lawsuits.

FVD. Protofascist anti-establishment party. Headed by self-styled public intellectual with a Napoleon complex and the most punchable face in the history of mankind, Thierry Baudet. Consists of typical anti-elite types like lawyers, professors, executives, and entrepreneurs.

Ondernemerspartij. Silly initiative by former PVV politician Hero Brinkman. Managed to attract radio DJ Patrick Kicken, god knows why. Good for a few hearty laughs.

The Christians:

ChristenUnie. Pseudo-evangelicals, the soft, New Testament kind of people. Have a small but loyal following, despite current frontrunner Gert-Jan Segers looking like the kind of guy that would indecently expose himself at a local zoo. Will definitely obtain a few seats.

SGP. Hardcore Old Testament vengeful God traditionalists, the Christian far right. Started a campaign against religions being equals and debated reinstating the death penalty (unfortunately a majority came out against). Kees van der Staaij is an expert in constitutional law and not afraid to show it, especially when it comes to the right to discriminate against gay people. Probably four seats.

JEZUS LEEFT. As likely to obtain a seat as England winning the world cup.

The weird:

50Plus. The old people’s party. A cruel joke headed by Henk Krol, a man with a more disreputable history in business than Bernie Madoff. Their pension plans will ensure that later generations have to work till they die. Riding a populist wave and polling at an incredible ten seats.

GeenPeil. Radical experiment in direct democracy. Undemocratically elected frontrunner Jan Dijkgraaf will only participate in votes on which members of GeenPeil have decided. In other words, Dijkgraaf is an automaton, he can’t vote his conscience.

De Burger Beweging. In favor of a basic net income for all adult citizens. Wants to replace GDP with a Gross Domestic Happiness index. Will never gain access to parliament.

Vrijzinnige Partij. Also in favor of a basic net income for all adult citizens. Founder Norbert Klein got kicked out of the old people’s party. Guaranteed to fail.

Libertarische Partij. The Dutch version of Ron Paul. Let’s leave it at that.

Niet Stemmers. Not sure if this is a joke — but they’re on the ballot nonetheless.

Lokaal in de Kamer. Hodgepodge of local political parties trying to obtain national political clout. Destined to remain powerless.

StemNL. Aims to bridge the divide between citizens and politicians. If this garners more than a thousand votes I’d be surprised.

MenS en Spirit/Basisinkomen Partij/V-R. Weirdo spiritualists.

Vrije Democratische Partij. Antisemitic fucks. Frontman actually claimed — on camera — Hitler was a Jew, which lead to his arrest three days ago. Uncertain whether the VDP will gain seats.

That’s all for now!