By Mike C.

When I was a missionary, I remember a stake president telling me that he wanted to divide the ward but he couldn’t because there weren’t enough priesthood. If he had 10 more priesthood he could go ahead and divide the ward. His rather pedestrian solution was for us to baptize 10 more men. My more innovative solution was for 10 childless women in the ward to get knocked up, thereby creating 10 more mothers. Because you see, I had always heard growing up that motherhood was the equivalent of priesthood. Therefore, 10 new mothers was equivalent to 10 new priesthood holders. I suppose you could call it the law of conservation of “hood”, or the 1st law of priesthood dynamics, or the commutative property of “hoodness”. Given the proselyting challenges in that area, my suggestion was both easier and more fun for all involved parties.

This got me thinking about why we don’t just give women the priesthood. Seems like it would solve a lot of problems. So today I googled “Why don’t women have the priesthood”. Interestingly, the first link that came up was to Mormon.org (the Catholics didn’t even make the top 5—ha!), where President Hinckley explains that, “…the Lord has put it that way. It is part of His program.” (Now to me, that sounds a lot like what I tell my kids when they ask why they can’t have a cell phone. “It’s not part of My program, kids.”) It does beg the question, however, why has the Lord put it that way?

In the absence of a theological rationale, the most common folk explanation is the aforementioned “motherhood=priesthood”. Men get the priesthood and women get motherhood. If this explanation is correct, it seems cruel to leave childless women with nothing at all. Therefore, my proposal is that we give all post-pubescent women the priesthood as long as they are not mothers. Like the boys, the girls could be ordained when they are 12 and un-ordained as soon as they give birth (or perhaps sometime during pregnancy, depending on how you feel about when life begins—22 weeks might be a reasonable compromise because of potential for viability outside the womb). As mothers become empty nesters and relinquish most mothering responsibilities, they could be re-ordained, except for those who are raising grandchildren. Women who never have children would always have the priesthood but would have the comfort of knowing that if they remain faithful they will have the opportunity to be without the priesthood in the next life.

OK, so you may not like that explanation. Well, another common explanation is that men are less spiritual, so having the priesthood helps them be more righteous. If this is the case, then the priesthood should also be extended to the women slackers (slacks-ers?)—the less righteous ones who need spiritual strengthening. Women who achieve a certain level of unrighteousness—perhaps those whose shoulders are sometimes uncovered, or who have more than one piercing in an ear, or who belong to the fMh Facebook group—would be eligible for ordination under my proposal.

However, those explanations don’t resonate with everyone. Many men and women believe women do not have the priesthood because it is too much responsibility. Women are too busy helping small humans make their way in the world to handle real responsibility. However, those who are childless, unemployed, or very rich (and can afford maids and nannies) might have the time or inclination to take on more responsibility, in which case they ought to be ordained to the priesthood. Alternatively, women who welcome the responsibility of the priesthood could trade for it with men who would just as soon not have it, a fitting solution for a church where agency is paramount. In addition, stay-at-home dads could transfer their priesthood to their working wives so they could better focus on fathering their children (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Some may find my proposals ludicrous. Women shouldn’t want the priesthood because, as they say, the priesthood is for serving, not self-aggrandizement, the implication being that the priesthood isn’t really something that one would want (because who would rather serve than self-aggrandize?). I think, however, that we could solve this problem by ordaining the women but implementing a strict ban on their participation in any priesthood activities that have the potential for self-aggrandizement, such as presiding in meetings, being in charge of stuff, making all key administrative decisions, and mansplaining.

Now for those of you who believe in the first explanation, i.e., motherhood=priesthood, but are uncomfortable with non-mothers receiving the priesthood, I have a more modest proposal. I suggest that we create more equality by encouraging the young women to become mothers. At age 12, when the boys are receiving the priesthood, the Beehives could have their first baby. They could have their second baby upon turning 14, and their third when they become Laurels. Baby showers could become the female equivalent of Scout courts of honor, thereby ensuring that young women and young men receive equal recognition for their accomplishments, thus resolving a sore point for many Mormon feminists. Since having babies is virtuous when you are married, but not when you are not, we could also have the young women marry the young men. This would have an added benefit: the boys would be able to avoid the dreaded chastity talks. But one miracle at a time.

Mike C. lives with his wife, Lilian, in the Atlanta area. They have five kids and teach the Strengthening Marriage class in their ward. They enjoy long walks on the beach and romantic, candlelight dinners, especially with each other.