Feminists were outraged when the Muppets’ character Kermit the Frog dumped his long-time love interest Miss Piggy for the younger, thinner, and prettier “Denise” (also depicted as a puppet pig). Miss Piggy, of course, is a feminist icon who recently received an award bestowed by Gloria Steinem. The premier of the new ABC prime time television series The Muppets reveals some of the back story to the infamous breakup, and it is much, much worse than even feminists could imagine.

Yes, it is absurd but comedy gold (I hope) that I am writing about this. Feminism is so infantilizing to women with their feminist hug boxes, feminist coloring books, and dedication to rejecting adult responsibilities that it is inevitable that a critic of feminism like me will get stuck inspecting their metaphorical filthy diapers, especially since so few feminists will actually experience changing diapers on real-life infants born despite their repeat customer discount cards at local abortion mills.

But, back to the show.

The Muppets is shot in a “mockumentary” style that draws heavily on shows like Modern Family, the delightfully anti-SJW (Social Justice Warrior) show that exploits stereotypes relentlessly to poke vicious fun at the convolutions of today’s family experience, at the expense of SJW bullshit.

The premise of the show is a near perfect rip-off of the now defunct feminist show 30 Rock: Kermit takes over the role of creator/producer/head writer “Liz Lemon” (Tina Fey) while Miss Piggy takes over the role of the demanding diva (Jenna Maroney and/or Tracy Jordan, played by Jane Krakowski and/or Tracy Morgan) of her own late night mock variety TV show, Up Late with Miss Piggy.

Also like both 30 Rock and Modern Family, The Muppets pilot episode dwells on the love lives of the multiple protagonists. For example, Fozzie Bear, who plays the Warm-up Comic/Sidekick on the show, has a promising but fraught romance with the blonde half of the singing duo Garfunkel and Oates that is straight out of Romeo and Juliet – her parents hate him. There are several other liaisons going on but the Piggy-Kermit-Denise triangle is the true ham sammich of this show.

One reviewer at People described Kermit’s new lover Denise this way:

And, as everyone knows, Kermit has been given a new lady-pig. Her name is Denise, and so far she’s too bland to be a Muppet, let alone a foil for the majestically throttled ego of Miss Piggy. She’s too bland to even provoke a joke from Joan Rivers, if that great woman happened to be with us still.

Just noting that there is nothing “throttled” about Miss Piggy’s narcissistic ego except, perhaps, my regret that she wasn’t chosen for the roasting spit as a suckling.

“Bland,” when used to describe Denise (a marketing exec on the show), is a feminist code word for “younger, hotter, domestically inclined, gentle, loving and non-abusive to her man.” In sharp contrast to Piggy’s near-constant screams, Denise has a buttery soft Southern Belle accent that would be perfectly at home in South Carolina.

Denise cooks for Kermit, and her eyes and skin tone suggest to me an Asian ancestry, sort of like the lovely YouTuber Kassy of the channel “End Feminism.” In the character of Denise, ABC has taken the feminist notion of “intersectionality” and crammed it right back up feminism’s bristled snout.

Rather than the emotional roller coaster of a man obsessed with the Manic Piggy Dream Sow, Kermit is now older and wiser. He prefers the quiet domestic affection of Denise. Kermit and Denise have committed the greatest feminist sin: they grew up and took responsibility for their own bliss instead of forever blaming their problems on the man of the mythical Patriarchy.

Miss Piggy’s feminist cred is also shaken – losing Kermit has made her even crazier, if such a thing were possible, and her dependence on Kermit promises to be further maddening as he shoots her down week after week. Rather than hating men and loving her independence, Miss Piggy is addicted to one of them, and suffering a horrible withdrawal.

I half-expect to see Miss Piggy carrying a blue mattress around the set à la Emma Sulkowicz, the jilted rape hoaxer from Columbia University. With the sex ratio on college campuses approaching 2 straight women for every straight man, the desperation women students now experience over finding acceptable male company will continue to drive feminist neuroses into hyperdrive, just as the two pigs will go insane fighting over Kermit.

Kermit, we learn in a flashback, is sick of “everything” about the feminist Miss Piggy, including, presumably, her feminism. I expect this will take a few weeks to sink into the feminist consciousness (such as it is) and then explode out their backsides like an orgy of too-old takeout after a teary binge-eating session.

Call the waaaah-mbulance. The fallout will be sty-filling.