Rio De Janeiro — This year’s Olympic Games will add a new, exciting event that everyone involved will participate in — Olympic Survivor.

“We’re very excited about the new event this year. Our Olympians, in addition to their regular events, will also be participating in a very real game of Survivor. New obstacles for traditional events will present thrilling ways to test the physical endurance of the athletes. Guanabara Bay is awash in shit, micro-organisms and even dead bodies. I can promise you that this year’s sailing and windsurfing events will be the most dramatic ever as the world watches to see if the athletes can not only compete at Olympic level, but keep their mouths closed to avoid becoming deathly ill after accidentally ingesting the putrid water.”

“Even when they leave the field of competition, challenges await the competitors as they enter Olympic Village. We’ve laid several traps around the Village for the unsuspecting. Exposed wires await them in their rooms. Sub-standard plumbing that only reveals itself when too much water is running. We’ve even arranged for a green river of sewage to flow a mere 50 meters away from the Village! It’s very exciting. The athletes will be put to the ultimate physical and mental test at every turn of their stay here in Rio.”

Tourists in the Games

“But an even more exciting aspect of this year’s Games is that every visitor, Olympian or not, will be participating in Olympic Survivor. Due to declining economic conditions, throngs of protestors will greet travelers, testing their ability to get to the events they have paid thousands of dollars to see, if they are able to arrive at all.”

“Criminals have ramped up activities, forcing people into vans and taking them to ATM machines to withdraw large sums of cash at gunpoint. Prostitutes are lining the streets, but who knows what disease they may be harboring to the unsuspecting, slightly tipsy tourist?”

“Will there be medals for Olympic Survivor? Certainly not as ornate as the ones the athletes receive. However, we do have a large stock of “I survived Olympic Survivor! — Rio 2016″ available for purchase for only $49.99. Certainly a one-of-a-kind item that attendees of this year’s Games will treasure forever. However long forever is for them.”

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