I say this to myself on my way to work every morning: I wonder what kind of fucked up shit will happen today.

It’s not like I’m hoping for something fucked-up—or not hoping for something fucked-up—I’m just saying I wonder. Because its always something. Always.

Yesterday was a new one on me, even though I’m sure it’ll happen a thousand times more. Dispatched to a McDonald’s for an “ankle injury” exactly five minutes before the end of my tour.

When we get there we meet some volunteer fire guys who give us the heads up, that its total bullshit; some lady is just looking for a lawsuit.

Now in this business we can’t assume, but it was pretty much, exactly that.

A worker at the store dropped a piece of a soda machine he was repairing and it nicked the woman’s leg when it fell. Correction: Even nicked is too big a word for this. The scratch was maybe a quarter of an inch and wasn’t even bleeding. However, patient was complaining of tingling, numbness and nausea. Of, fuck me.

The story only gets more embarrassing from here, but clearly a law suit was coming and I was not landing on the wrong side of it. So we did it all by the book and transported her, pretended that she was not a lying-ass sack, but indeed was suffering terrible numbness, tingling, etc. So embarrassing.

I really wonder how people like this look themselves in the mirror. And I really wonder what kind of fucked up shit will happen today.