Have you guys/girls ever been watching Wheel of Fortune and come across the “Before and After” category that essentially mashes up two different sayings or things into a phrase? It would be something like the image below.

With this idea — and very little else– in mind, I wanted to smash together some of the biggest names in sports with some of the biggest names in the 2016 race for the presidential nomination and see what we came up with. It doesn’t completely follow the format of Wheel of Fortune, mainly because I didn’t want to play by their rules. I am such a rebel that not even Pat Sajak can control me.

Hillary Rodman Clinton

Political/Sports Strengths: Rebounding. Whether it’s hitting the glass for a 15-board performance, or coming back from political scandals that put the “dome” in Capitol Dome, Hillary Rodman Clinton isn’t scared to do the hard work required in bouncing back.

Political/Sports Negatives: On the downside, HRC looks pretty much exactly like Dennis Rodman would want Dennis Rodman to look. Also, some serious questions might arise over Hillary Rodman’s connections to BFF Kim Jong Un in North Korea. Also a big negative that can’t be overlooked: dated Madonna.

Campaign Slogan: “Shatter the glass ceiling. Then use that glass for some highly unsanitary piercings.”

Bernie Deion Sanders

Political/Sports Strengths: Coverage. Whether it’s attempting to offer it to everyone for health care, or locking down a receiver trying to make a double move and then head for the end zone, BDS is all about blanket coverage.

Political/Sports Negatives: An overdose of Jheri Curl juice in his younger days has left Bernie Deion with less hair than Miss Universe’s legs. Also, he kind of looks like the host of Deadly Sins on the Investigation Discovery Channel once he gets really old (*Author’s note: I’m sure you don’t know it, since only my wife and I watch that channel. Just know this: someone cheats on someone else and then they get murdered. That’s the premise of literally every show on the ID Channel)

Campaign Slogan: “Primetime is Berning.”

Ted Victor Cruz

Political/Sports Strengths: Shiftiness. Whether it’s sending out super-confusing and illegal-looking mail to idiots in Iowa, or running a slant route and breaking free into the open field, TVC is one hard dude to catch.

Political/Sports Negatives: I want to punch that face so bad I almost broke my hand trying to hammerfist my way through my Otter Box. Also, does he kind of look like Colin Kaepernick or am I way off base here?

Campaign Slogan: “Cruzing Directly into your Nightmares.”

Jeb Reggie Bush

Political/Sports Strengths: When Jeb Reggie Bush had his face mashed together he wasn’t the heinous, vile, test-tube amalgamation that some of these other sideshow attractions appear to be. He actually looked weirdly handsome. Kind of like a background character from a Fast and Furious movie from the mid-2000s.

Political/Sports Negatives: Has a case of the drops. Whether it’s fumbles or campaigns, JRB just can’t seem to hold onto things. Had a ton of money and expectations early, but pretty much fell off the radar.

Campaign Slogan: “Jeb! (Okay, more like Jeb?!?!)”

Marco Ricky Rubio

Political/Sports Strengths: A still-young up and comer, has shown creativity while on the floor and was once seen as one of the best young prospects around.

Political/Sports Negatives: Has struggled to connect on open shots and has left some analysts baffled as to why he has been unable to perform in crunch time. Also, that mustache looks like Anthony Davis’ eyebrows migrated south for the winter.

Campaign Slogan: “Crossing over side-parts and defenders every day!”

Ben Carson Palmer

Political/Sports Strengths: Sleepers. Both guys came out of nowhere this year to shake things up.

Political/Sports Negatives: Sleepy. Ben Carson Palmer always appears to have just awoken from a nap where he was having a super gnarly dream. Are you asking him an important question about foreign policy? He’ll kind of blink like a stoner reading a Where’s Waldo book. Going to blitz him off the edge? He might take a quick daydream-style breather before trying to go deep to Larry Fitzgerald.

Campaign Slogan: “Where The Hell Did We Come From? No, Seriously. We Don’t Remember.”

John Cena Kasich

Political/Sports Strengths: Good at wrapping up. Whether it’s to give a supporter a hug or to take someone down to the mat in a viciously scripted body slam that delights trailer homes across the nation.

Political/Sports Negatives: Everything John Cena Kasich does is pretty much already written out. There’s no real drama about the end result. Maybe the match will be good while it lasts, but somewhere, a rich white dude already had written out exactly how JCK’s battle will end.

Campaign Slogan: “You can’t see me! Literally. I’m Never On TV.”

Donald Trump Sterling

Political/Sports Strengths: I feel like these guys are the exact same person.

Political/Sports Negatives: Yup. Just thought about it more: the same.

Campaign Slogan: “Making America Great Again: Wait, Are You Recording This?”

FIN