MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless pushovers in Washington will just tolerate your bullshit and let you off with a warning, but we sure as hell won’t,” said Matthew Patsky, CEO of Trillium Asset Management, one of more than a dozen investors at a shareholder meeting who warned Zuckerberg that there were dire consequences to losing powerful people’s money, while several others took turns backhanding and spitting on the 34-year-old co-founder of Facebook. “You think you’re just going to waltz in here and dodge our questions like you did with Congress in April and we just won’t care, you worthless shit? We’re not a bunch of gutless pussies like Richard Durbin and John Cornyn and all those other bitch senators. Our stock price drops even a fraction more and it’s your goddamn head. Unlike those useless politicians who were elected by dumbass Americans, we know how to get shit done. You realize we can send you to prison and get all your fucking money taken away if we just snap our fingers, right?” At press time, an investor was standing guard outside the door of the company’s boardroom as blood-curdling shrieks could be heard from within.

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