The dilemma My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, we rarely fight and have planned our future lives together. Recently I found out he has been having Skype sex with other women (I think only porn stars). Am I right to be upset about this? I confronted him and he said he considers it as porn, but I don’t, as it is an interaction with another woman who also sees him. I also pointed out the double standards, as he wouldn’t be happy with this behaviour from me, which he accepted. He has apologised, promised to stop and I have forgiven him. But I am scared that he won’t stop. We are in our 20s and I’m worried this pattern of behaviour will end up with him cheating on me in the future.

Mariella replies Too right. The bad news is he’s already cheating on you. Sex with someone else, even in a virtual scenario, is sex with someone else. If your boyfriend wants to engage in a second life online he can’t really expect it to run concurrent with the one in which you two are dating. He may like to cast himself as an avatar, out there on a great big solo cyber adventure, but it’s his real brain and his real body that are engaged in these acts of infidelity.

Even “meaningless sex”, is an activity our mind has chosen. Any denial of that connection insinuates that we are guided only by impulse, like the rest of the animal kingdom, with no ability to see beyond the behavioural patterns we’ve been programmed with for millennia. I’d rather believe in our ability to evolve and adapt even if it means taking personal responsibility for our actions. We can’t have it both ways.

As for his excuse that it’s 'only pornography', it’s hardly worth the breath it took him to offer it

Although the internet offers us all far greater opportunities for expanding our sexual horizons, it doesn’t absolve us of our accountability. Your boyfriend is making a choice when it comes to his sexual activities that is as real as if he were having sex with some woman living down the road. He can’t expect to continue with with one foot wedged in your front door and his genitalia tangled up elsewhere.

As for his excuse that it’s “only pornography”, as though these partners in passion, making their meagre living performing for his sexual gratification are somehow not people at all, it’s hardly worth the breath it took him to offer it. It’s a mistake you also seem to be making by dismissing sex workers as “only porn stars” as though their engagement in the centuries old occupation of the downtrodden, supplying sexual stimulation for money, makes them less than human.

Just three years into what you are clearly hoping will be a long-term partnership, this man is already dividing his loyalties, gleaning emotional support from you and physical gratification from a host of others. Admittedly, falling in love creates a cloud of amnesia that can be problematic when we are trying to make rational assessments. It can obscure us from truth and convince us that relationships are unique and imperative to our wellbeing long after they should rightfully have been concluded. Such oblivion may assist in encouraging us to attempt enduring relationships but it’s definitely not helpful when we’re confronting the reality of our romantic liaisons. When it comes to a partnership, the one you are in is the one you are meant for; until you split up and find that life, after the agony, continues as before and new lovers turn up for whom you will feel equal passion.

You’re no doubt imagining that moving into the future without him will be a life half lived, even though what he’s offering you is slim pickings when it comes to a relationship.

Skype is a fantastic invention for bringing us closer to those we love, ignoring borders, crossing continents and making working from any and every corner of the globe a possibility. Its potential for expanding the market in commercialised sex are equally apparent and broadly utilised.

There are advantages for those desperate to make a living, but there’s nothing imaginary about a real person, in a real location, generally in the developing world, keeping her kids quiet in another room while she tries to pay for their sustenance acting out sexual fantasies for men like your boyfriend.

It’s amazing that we’ve got to the 21st century and are still struggling to accept that there is nothing impersonal about getting intimate with other human beings. Pretending cyberspace is a different universe, populated by people who matter less, is a misnomer and a flagrant abandonment of our individual responsibility.

For today let’s just say that you’ve got an issue in your relationship that warrants a wider-ranging discussion. Only you and your boyfriend can decide the parameters of your partnership, but you’re right that ignoring such transgressions won’t avert problems later – it will only exacerbate them.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1