Feeling The Loss of TotalBiscuit

I got locked out of my website for too many password attempts. (Oops.) Otherwise I would have posted this there.



I wasn’t going to write this at first, because I didn’t want the hassle that comes with it. But I don’t think TB would want me censoring myself. So here goes.



Hearing of John Bain AKA TotalBiscuit’s passing hit me much harder than I expected. It hit me harder than it logically should have. I didn’t know the guy beyond a dozen or so twitter exchanges. But I did respect his work ethic, his dedication to gaming, and the evolution in his work.



One cannot conceive of how young the age of 33 is until you’ve lived beyond it. I think we expect far too much from people in their twenties, and much of the resentment against TB formed when he was young and putting up a tough front. I never quite connected with his “framerate police” – I don’t think framerate is that important outside of multiplayer -- but I did credit him for caring enough about something, anything, to stick with it the way he did.



TotalBiscuit was nothing if not principled. No personal cost seemed to phase him when he believed in a given idea. That got him into trouble with gaming’s “social justice warriors”, but it earned my respect, especially during Gamergate when it would have been much easier for him and his family for him to just toe the “Gamergate is bad mmkay” line. Instead, he took a principled stand opposing many of the tactics certain Gamergate factions employed, while acknowledging that some concerns about ethical video game coverage were warranted. This position, which was completely consistent with opinions he’d had up until that point, was a completely fair one. But that’s not how it was treated.



Very few Gamergate combatants understood the nuance of TB’s stance, and in the ensuing storm of collective bad behavior we saw the real John Bain. The John Bain who was an idealist. The John Bain who loved his wife. The John Bain who CARED.



There had been flashes of that guy before, like when he sponsored competitive gaming teams to give back to the industry. But his introspection and willingness to tell the truth in the wake of Gamergate, then his cancer diagnosis a few months later, showed me a man so worthy of respect that I believe it will live on for a long time.



TotalBiscuit wasn’t afraid to question things, even his own behaviour and thoughts. He discussed therapy. He encouraged spamming him with dog photos. He never subscribed to “just go along to get along”, a tendency that got him labeled “difficult” by some in the game industry, but which earned him the trust of his fans, who knew they’d always get the truth from him, even if they didn’t like it.



Seeing TotalBiscuit weather the horrible attacks against him and his family by those who didn’t like his positions helped give me strength to survive my own dogpiles. His successes and his mistakes taught other gaming YouTubers how to improve in this experimental medium that we’re still collectively figuring out. TB was decidedly influential, but that educational aspect to his content has been overlooked. Countless YouTubers copied both his format and his style. He was a trendsetter and an industry arbiter. But he also taught us a lot, just through his sheer tenacity.



Unfortunately, tenacity can’t beat cancer, and hopefully TB’s last lesson to us is that YouTubers can’t let our business make us neglect our health. I’m not going to feign a philosophical view on this: that he did more in 33 years than most of us do in three times that. The truth is that I’m angry. Guys shouldn’t die of cancer in their early thirties. They just shouldn’t. It’s not fair. I’m aware that’s a very TotalBiscuit approach.



Gaming lost an important voice with the passing of John Bain. It is possible, however, for the rest of us to continue to advocate the principles he believed in. If we all do our parts to promote consumer fairness, product value, community, and support of indie titles, then we can make sure that TotalBiscuit’s impact on video games will be enduring and positive.



This piece is my first contribution to that effort. Many of the official obituaries on gaming websites read as though they’re written by reporters who hated the man and can barely hold back their resentment. He and Genna deserve better than that. Even the pieces that do highlight his commitment to indie game discoverability feel cold, passionless, not at all appropriate send offs for the “cynical Brit”, who grumbled about game features he didn’t like, but also made himself the butt of the joke while making videos with his wife “forcing” him to play HuniePop.



I never got the sense that TotalBiscuit was terribly impressed with himself. What was important was the work, and the results, and better games. I think part of the reason that many people misunderstood him was that being understood wasn’t the important thing for him. First and foremost, it was always about the games, and the gaming community.



So perhaps this collection of words, from someone who didn’t know him personally, will give bittersweet comfort to those closest to John Bain. He did matter. He dared to stand by what he believed in. It’s impossible to have any opinion about video games without being labelled “controversial”, but I think TotalBiscuit transcended those sorts of labels. He wasn’t making YouTube videos just because he wanted money or attention. He made videos because he believed in video games to an obsessive degree, and he wanted to make them better.



So thanks, TB. Thanks for the thought-provoking memories. The cantankerous challenges. The profile of a guy who knew how to have a partner as well as a wife. If all dogs really do go to Heaven, they’re lucky to have you up there now. Rest well, beyond the pain.



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