by: Jake Ring

Ron Swanson

Drink of Choice: Scotch, Neat

First one to show up at the party. Drinks the most alcohol, but does not get drunk. The “DAD” of the party. Usually gives people rides home. Holds the hair back for people puking in the toilet. Gives life advice to people 2 years younger than him.

Tom Haverford

Drink of Choice: Cherry Martini with Mini Umbrella

The DJ. Lives next to his charger and his MacBook Pro. Smokes weed. Wears sunglasses inside. Always trying to make a dollar. Schemes people into buying things they don’t need. Eyes are bloodshot red at all times. Disappears mysteriously during random times of the party for short lengths of times coming back with loads of energy.

Leslie Knope

Drink of Choice: Champagne

Always a positive vibe. Life motto, “Celebrate every day like it’s your last!” Likes to dance after one sip of alcohol. Wears work clothes to the party. Requests terrible songs to DJ. Would be known as a “light-weight” Leaves party early to get food from Denny’s



Andy Dwyer

Drink of Choice: a 24 pack of Natty Light

Always wants to play drinking games, whether it be beer pong, card games, or just “chug the beer.” Usually, the first one to pass out. Drinks a whole case of Natty Light that he keeps in his blue Wal-Mart cooler. Finishes peoples drinks they left behind. Either draws on the first one passed out or gets drawn on, sometimes both.



John Ralphio

Drink of Choice: Every drink from the Essence bar in Eagleton – “molecular mixology”

LIFE OF THE PARTY. Has incredible dance moves. Usually, DJ’s the party until he gets too drunk. Stays up the longest. Makes everyone laugh. Hits on every girl at the party but never gets to take one home.



Ben Wyatt

Drink of Choice: a good IPA

Sits in the corner and looks at his phone. Talks to the hipster girl for a slight second before having to “go to the bathroom”.

April Ludgate

Drink of Choice: Rum & Coke

Keeps a very chill vibe throughout the party. Smokes weed every now and again. Never gets too drunk and/or wild. Goes to the store multiple times during the party. Gets hit on by guys but never goes home with any of them. Smokes Marlboro Lights on the reg.



Chris Traeger

Drink of Choice: water

Just comes to the party for a good time. Doesn’t drink. Has to run a marathon in the morning.

Which one are you? Comment below!