That one off the big roadside billboards. Where you can't see her face, just, um, you know. The Marks & Spencer ads. That one. Well, it's not good news, The Mill is afraid. Today's Sun has the story: "dating Premier League footballer... inseparable from... Romantic holiday in Dubai... KIERAN RICHARDSON". Well, at least there's some kind of clue here, finally, as to what he's actually been doing with himself for the last couple of years.

Elsewhere, more unlikely couplings as a low-level background rumour – more of an ambient rumour – is transformed into today's expansively twiddling back page saxophone solo: It's "Van Utd" with the news that Sir Alex Ferguson is "monitoring Robin Van Persie", presumably with the help of a machine that goes "poyoyoyoing" every 30 seconds and an old-fashioned set of really heavy Bakelite headphones. "Robin loves it at Arsenal but he is getting to the age when he wants to win things and earn significantly more money just for sitting next to Ben Foster and occasionally warming up," says a Dutch "source". The increasingly demented Real Madrid now want Big Brother's Marcus, the cats of Martina Cole's The Take, the last red telephone box in London, a really good new pair of jeans and £8m worth of Alvaro Arbeloa. But will they be happy?

They will at least be dancing in north London's irritating tapas bars full of people called Josh at the news "Barça" Lona want to spend £17m on Pepe Reina. Victor Valdes is on is way out and Pepe can look forward to earning £150,000 a week for standing about watching assorted midfield gnomes ping it around for 90 minutes and occasionally joining in the goal celebration bundle. It's enough to make even Kieran Richardson wonder where it all went wrong.

The Mirror has news of a thrillingly pointless swap deal involving slow-witted, but kindly Spurs midfielder, Lennie From Of Mice And Men – also known as "Tom Huddleston" – and Nigel Reo-Coker, who fouls a lot. Tesco-Value-Range-Roberto-Carlos Andrea Dossena's move to Juventus is "on hold". The Mill can't think why.

In The Daily Star Gary Megson is striding about with a banana in his pocket wearing a Zapata moustache and planning to "hijack" Lee Bowyer's move to Birmingham. In The Times Sol Campbell is considering taking a 50% pay cut to continue jogging very slowly with a sombre expression on his face for another season at Portsmouth. 'Arry Redknapp has been getting sweaty and short of breath at the thought of Moussa Sissoko and Étienne Capoue of Toulouse, a midfield-scuffling duo who should hang about vaguely for an inconclusive season or two before going out on loan to Middlesborough, being "misquoted" saying horrible things in a French newspaper and then weirdly reappearing a couple of years later as world-beaters at somewhere like Internazionale or Valencia. Malaga are keen to solve their ongoing first-team vowel shortage by signing Spurs jinker Adel Taarabt. Manchester City, stumbling blindly from airport check-in lounge to Eurotrash hotel suite, have decided to try and sign Joan Angel Román, a 16-year-old Espanyol midfielder. For pity's sake. He's just a boy. Leave him be. Sam Allardyce thinks he's on to something with Borussia Dortmund's Mohamed Zidan, who reminds him of someone - he can't think who.

And Andriy Shevchenko has been "offered" to Monaco, in much the same way you might offer the last remaining executive truffle liqueur from a particularly plush box of A-list chocolates, even though you know it's actually a revolting banana-tiramisu surprise that's just going to collapse into a mush and drip down your wrist the moment you bite into it.

The Daily Mail has Manchester United "on the trail of" Roma striker Mirko Vucinic, who runs around a lot and would cost £15m. Also, there's talk of "tentative inquiries" about Porto's Hulk. Fiorentina are "keen on" Philippe Senderos, but then who isn't? Some kind of swap deal may be in the offing involving Brazilian midfielder Melo, who's just a really laidback guy.

On Goal.com Lyon's president will "neither confirm or deny" that Inter are about to pay £15m for his midfielder Ederson, who invented the light bulb. Paolo Rossi says that Giuseppe Rossi is his "heir", which is confusing. And David Villa will join Barcelona only if Bojan Krkic has disappeared and resurfaced at Valencia by the time he opens his eyes again.

Have you got a sizzling hot rumour that the world must know about? Tell us in the comments section below.