WELL fair play to Boris. There was no chance, not a scintilla of a chance, he could change the minds of Remainers by any speech given by himself. As SNP MP Tommy Sheppard put it on Radio 5 Live: “Sending Boris to appeal to Remain voters is like sending an arsonist to put out a fire.” Others have been less charitable. The New Statesman recently described Boris as “a liar, a charlatan and a narcissist”. Since he was chosen as first to bat for Theresa’s unlovely band of Brexiteers, we must now assume Boris is charlatan-in-chief.

Memorable bits from his speech? By now the broadcasters will have delivered the deeply worrying news that Boris didn’t rule out quitting if senior colleagues keep close alignment with the EU in a long-term trading deal.

Frankly, no-one outside the London bubble cares if Boris stays or goes, so for me his standout remarks were rather different – and memorable for all the wrong reasons ...

READ MORE: Boris Johnson urged to quit after Thailand sex tourism remarks

“Brexit will be good for the entire continent” said Boris, because Britain will buy “more Italian cars” and Prosecco.

Yes, that really does sound like a guy on the same page as austerity-hit voters.

Or how about this statesmanlike plea: “I think it would be much better if we could all get together and get on with the {Brexit} project.”

Jings. For those of a certain age that facile remark instantly brought Monty Python to mind – the sketch about ridding the world of all known diseases. “Well, first become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do.”

Yip folks – in Boris’s heid, getting consensus on Brexit really should be that easy.

Meanwhile, he didn’t raise the problem of the Irish border, or the UK Government’s shocking and therefore suppressed economic assessment (“easily” viewable two days a week by MPs between 10-5pm in the Commons but not between 1-2pm); or the vexed customs union we apparently can’t be in (for reasons of pride and “control”) but can’t not be in (for reasons of trade, inward investment and prosperity) or the single market (ditto).

So far, so utterly predictable.

Mind you, it hotted up with reporters’ questions -- far more revealing than the actual speech.

One journalist read aloud a previous Boris attack on Remainers, when he called them “supine invertebrate jellies”. In response, the Foreign Secretary mumbled that he “can’t remember” using such language, adding: “I’ve always been extremely moderate in my language and loving and caring and that is my intention.”

Next Boris was asked to source the “clarity” in his address. He replied that there was an “abundance” of clarity in the Prime Minister’s Lancaster House and Florence speeches. Somehow the entire press corps managed not to laugh.

Asked if EU citizens would get preferential access post Brexit, Boris tousled his hair and mumbled: “That is under discussion. I shouldn’t say any more.” I do hope EU nationals realise his lack of clarity is not a V sign across the white cliffs of Dover. At the end, Adam Boulton of Sky tweeted: “Boris Johnson speech ends with 4 seconds of light applause.”

So why did he bother?

“I’ve got to try. I’ve got to make the effort. Cos in the end, these are people’s feelings. And feelings matter.”

Wow. That small aside from Boris revealed more about the dodgy preoccupations of Brexiteers than the entire speech. Their desire to quit the EU is all about feelings – not facts. A feeling Britain is better alone than as part of anything else; a feeling of lost empire; a desire to reassert lost world supremacy; an instinct for competition that kills any hope of consensus. These feelings drive Brexiteers and repel Remainers. They are the reason Britain is on its uppers, and the reason almost half the Scottish population wants out of the UK.

Let’s be clear. Remainers do not need their feelings adjusted – unless in one speech Boris can overcome a profound lack of trust in Tory promises formed by their actual deeds over several long decades and an equally profound fear of being walled up alive with dogmatic, London-centric, market-obsessed right wingers – forever. What Remainers need are facts – workable solutions to the apparently insoluble problems Brexit creates. If they aren’t on offer in the next of her team’s lectures, Theresa May should cancel the tour before mild-mannered Remainers get nippy and better organised.

Indeed that’s already happened. The most cogent Brexit contribution yesterday came from 27-year-old Femi Oluwole, who specialises in EU law. He cannily used the Boris kerfuffle to launch Our Future, Our Choice, a pressure group representing Remain voters under the age of 55. In five years’ time, he pointed out, this cohort will create a clear UK-wide majority for Remain, and yet find itself surrounded by the debris of protracted Brexit negotiations. Well said – though Scotland should have had our own youngsters on the case with persuasive videos months ago.

So why did Boris really try to square the Brexit circle yesterday?

Sky News’s Lewis Goodall observed that Boris doesn’t like being cold-shouldered by his old support base -- liberals who thought he was a Red Tory. They got him elected Mayor of London but dumped him once Boris backed Brexit and traded in his young, leftie powerbase for a set of right-wing, older voters he doesn’t relate to very well. So this speech was an appeal to liberal Londoners who currently can’t stand him, because despite that he will need their votes to hold his Westminster seat very soon. Hmm, I sense another Michael Portillo moment coming and so does Boris. Hell hath no fury like a load of London liberals duped.

Doubtless, though Brexiteers are buoyed by the fact that polling shows only a slight tilt towards Remain since the snap election and according to Professor John Curtice, that’s largely folk who were non-voters last time. Essentially Britain is just as evenly divided as it was in 2016.

How can that be? Why is Brexit opinion so static despite a spectacular series of own-goals, empty claims, brick walls and unworkable alternative trading arrangements?

Well, maybe because we still actually are EU members. Talking about the difficulties of being outside the trading area whilst still enjoying its benefits is a bit like planning a New Year’s Day dip in the North Sea from the cosy comfort of your own front room. Easy to imagine shorn of the frosty realities.

Maybe Brexit voters in North East England haven’t realised how many of their jobs depend on seamless trade with the EU. They will soon. The leaked assessment reports revealed the North East will be the region most hurt by Brexit and the likely departure of car-maker Nissan, hinted at last week by Japan’s ambassador to Britain. Warning about the risks of future trade barriers, Koji Tsuruoka bluntly told reporters: “If there is no profitability in continuing operations in the UK, then no private company – not Japanese only – can continue operations.”

Yip, that is just about the size of it.

Still you’ve got to give Boris credit.

Yesterday, he had the nerve to repeat that most potent of Brexit lies – getting £350 million a week to spend on the NHS. Even though the head of the UK Statistics Authority, Sir David Norgrove, has said that claim constitutes a “clear misuse of official statistics”.

Still the old ones are the best, especially when all new Brexit-related scenarios are so terrifyingly bad. Last week alone, Theresa May refused to guarantee our NHS would be exempt from US-UK Trump trade deals; Scottish Secretary David Mundell went awol after the leaked Brexit analysis confirming major harm to the Scottish economy, and Michel Barnier said the UK’s decision to leave the EU single market and customs union meant border checks at the Irish border were “unavoidable” unless Northern Ireland stayed in the customs union. Quite apart from leaving special-deal-free Scotland out in the cold, this scenario would mean ports like Cairnryan and Ardrossan might have to become customs ports overnight without any UK Government support.

So there it is.

Two out of 10 for effort, Boris, and one out of 10 for impact. Your speech has at least reminded Scots it’s time to get the lifeboat covers off.