Today in things no one should ever have to tell you are a bad idea… someone is trying to sell men special tape for their dick which they can use instead of condoms.

Dick tape, if you will.

The product is called, unappealingly enough, Jiftip the Diktip. And I’m pretty certain it’s the least appealing “Diktip” since Cosmo first tried convincing women of a new way to eat doughnuts.

That’s instruction guide already has some definite problems. First of all, what does “MouthGear Zero-taste, yummy” even mean?

MouthGear? All I got from a Google search was braces, those things boxers put on their teeth while they’re fighting, and whatever the hell this is:

I’m at a loss.

This seems oddly similar to the vaginal lipstick made of glue that was being marketed to women earlier this year. Clearly, there’s some cabal of internet entrepreneurs who are just really into the idea of turning our junk into a Michael’s craft store. Glue and tape are for scrapbooking, not for genital hygiene.

The site features several testimonials and overly defensive essays, with one literally whining about how unfair it was of a sex educator to think the product was stupid.

I recently read the opinion of a purported sex educator who was reluctant to endorse Jiftip — despite never having used it — and recommended condoms because of concerns about Jiftip staying on during intercourse and the risk of STI. I was puzzled, it sounded like the same old opinion being recited as the ONLY single acceptable solution. First, I should say that in no way do I, or have I ever, financially benefited from Jiftip. I’m just a user. But I feel compelled to write a response.

That was written by a man named Tyler, who’s part of the “Jiftip beta team.” Because you know sex is safe when your birth control is in beta mode.

Ironically, the site itself repeatedly states that their product is in no way proven to prevent pregnancy, nor does it protect anyone from STIs, and it’s potentially unsafe.

Those terms and conditions, found when you’re about to purchase the products, literally says “Jiftip is NOT a condom and it is NOT approved for STI’s or pregnancy prevention purposes.” It goes on to say:

THE LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Because it’s not FDA approved, so it’s clear: Use for pleasure, convenience, novelty or entertainment purposes only. THOU SHALT NOT USE FOR PREGNANCY OR STI PREVENTION PURPOSES.

Because when guys rip a Band-Aid off their dicks after sex, their first thought is, “Ahhh… pleasure.”

Dr. Jen Gunter, debunker of all dumb internet sex junk, checked in with a urologist to see if this could actually be dangerous:

Could this be damaging? I am not appropriately confident medically speaking regarding the penis so I asked Dr. Rajiv Singal who is a urologist. Dr. Singal said, “Yikes. Seems like a bad idea. During ejaculation there is a contraction of the bulbocavernosal muscle and closure of the bladder neck. That is what propels semen forward. There would be no pressure transmitted to the bladder because it is closed. There would be pressure changes within the urethra, however whether that degree of barotrauma would lead to urethral injury and stricture formation I am not sure. Hard to quantify that risk but higher than not blocking the urethra I suspect!”

Nothing about barotrauma of the dick sounds like a good time.

I mean, if you wanna Mod Podge your penis, that’s your business. I hope your insurance covers va(s deferens)jazzling and your visit to the ER. But trust me on this one: You’d be better off using actual snake oil as lube.

