Last week, I announced a new series on the blog — When the Temple Hurts. I put out the call for those who wanted to share their stories of temple-related pain, disappointment, or trauma. Some longer stories will appear on the blog in coming weeks, but for this post, I compiled a number of shorter reflections.

Each person has their own level of comfort with discussing temple ordinances, and while the post below doesn’t share any aspect of temple worship that church members specifically covenant not to share, I encourage you to be cautious about participating in this conversation if you are particularly sensitive to this topic.

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Anonymous:

Leftover shock from pre-’05 naked touching added to major anxiety after being told that if I didn’t think I could handle the covenants I could leave. I wanted to know what they were first, but by the time I got through it I had covenanted. I felt so compromised in every way, and incredibly hurt that there wasn’t a mention of Heavenly Mother anywhere. Also a huge sense of making major sacrifices to be temple ready to then…sit in a gaudy room doing nothing. Other than pondering my dependence on a husband I didn’t have for an exaltation that was utterly unappealing. But it was all supposed to be happy and beautiful.

Kristy:

There was a lingering sadness when I would attend, and then I read the Mormon priestess post and she put everything to words. It was good to know I wasn’t going

crazy.

Brittany:

I was expecting to find Heavenly Mother there. I yearned for her my entire life and was always told she was too sacred to speak of. That was the same language used when people talked about the temple, so I guess I got my hopes up. I was taught that I would have a greater understanding of God, the plan, etc, etc but I got none of that. I saw moments of really promising things, but overall I felt confusion and hurt. I was really let down that Heavenly Mother was completely out of the picture because I had assumed that’s where I would learn about her. The more I went back (and we went back a lot), the more sexism I saw and the more confused I got. It never got better and when I finally admitted to myself that I didn’t need the temple as part of my worship, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It still makes me sad though because I had been looking forward to it my whole life and it was such a painful let down.

Heather:

Anonymous:

Pre-2005 initiatory traumatized me and triggered memories of a sexual assault I experienced previously. I felt violated and afraid in what was supposed to be a holy, peaceful place. I mentally and emotionally shut down to cope.



The endowment was weird and confusing. I just did what my mom/escort told me because running away would have necessitated a change in wedding plans. The endowment made no sense, felt very culty, and I was uncomfortable even though I was not in a space to hear the words. It felt like hazing. It was humiliating to be thrown into something that jarring and strange with no warning.



My sealing/wedding was impersonal and rushed. The short veil ceremony cut like a knife as my husband stood as my Lord. None of my friends or same-age/younger family members were at the ceremony because they weren’t endowed. Family members who traveled thousands of miles were left outside. The sealer quizzed me and I felt ridiculous and stupid as well as ugly in ceremonial clothing that would not stay in place. It was mortifying.



I never did initiatory again because it was so horrifying the first time. Endowment got worse as I heard the sexist words and felt their sting. The ritual touching and chanting was extremely uncomfortable as well. The veiling felt suffocating.



The only positive experiences I’ve had in the temple were in the baptistery pre-endowment.

Alysa:

Took out my endowments in 1990. (Born a feminist, but also very believing LDS at 20 years old.) The misogyny I found there shocked me and spiraled me into depression. Only returned once after that, just to confirm what I found there. Confirmed. That ceremony, which I’d been promised would uplift, inspire, and comfort me, wounded my female spirit to a point that I still have panic dreams about it, nearly a quarter of a century later. PTSD:Post-Temple-Stress-Disorder.

Evelyn:

My first time going through the temple was a wonderful experience. Receiving signs and tokens of the Priesthood and participating in a Priesthood ordinance, the true order of prayer, was unexpected and empowering. However, one thing nagged at me: Covenanting my de facto subordinance to my husband. I tried to ignore it and spent several months of frequent temple attendance trying to figure out what I obviously just must have misunderstood. But I never figured it out. And finally, I had a panic attack during a session and cried profusely with my husband in the celestial room, because I couldn’t understand why my eternal worth and potential was dependent on his volition and why my relationship with my Heavenly Father could only be made through him. This was so contrary to everything I had ever learned and everything I knew. It didn’t make sense to me that it was there, but in such anguish I could no longer deny it. It created such cognitive dissonance that such a belittling and eternally unfair principle was being taught in what was supposed to be a place where my worth and potential were to be magnified and expanded, that such pain was found in a place where there was supposed to be only peace. That was about a year ago. I have been back only a handful of times since, and mostly to perform ordinances that were not the endowment. It is too hurtful to me, and try as I might, I cannot find the relief I seek. In fact, the wound has really only festered.

Jenny:

My worst temple experience was at a wedding for my sister-in-law. I was lucky that my TR had not expired because I didn’t feel like I was in a place where I could renew due to a huge faith crisis I was still deeply trudging through. But there was one sister who could not be in the sealing room that day. She had practically raised the sister getting married, but had essentially left the church over a decade ago. She came from far away despite financial struggles and was as supportive as any sister could possibly be. But she was shamed all week about the fact that her wedding had NOT been in the temple. And then in the sealing room, the sealer actually talked about the poor people who had to be in the waiting room as if we were all superior for being able to attend. I was devastated that this was the message all of these people were being taught: we were somehow of more worth for holding a TR. I cried the whole way home feeling like of all the people who deserved to witness their sibling’s wedding, it was the sister who was not allowed. Not all of the random aunts and uncles who have barely showed real support for these girls over the years. I haven’t had any desire to go back since.

Janette:

I went through right before my wedding in 2009 and it shattered me. And I didn’t even have the feminist vocabulary or background then to understand why it was so painful to sit through an endowment session. It destroyed my entire testimony – because if the Temple was so wrong, does that mean everything is wrong? I very nearly left the Church because everyone I talked to could not understand why I felt that way and I was afraid something was wrong with me, with my spirit. It took me 5 long years to find FMH and a community online that could give me clarity and support. I’m so glad I’m not the only one!

Anonymous:

As a single sister, attending the Temple is a constant reminder I am not good enough to stand before the Lord. Who I am as an unmarried woman is of little significance, I am anointed to, covenant to, and hearken to a non existent person, this non existent person who is then not there to covenant to the Lord to complete the blessings for myself or the women I stand in proxy as, has more significance by virtue of being able to covenant to God. No male has to experience this insignificance, as men get to covenant to God for themselves. Even when women get married their value is predicated upon a man’s value before God because women are not able to covenant to God, but only unto their husband’s. Husband present or not, women are always a man away from God. I have always been bothered that my husband does not have to give himself to me as part of our marriage covenant. This tells me and makes me fear that this is done not only because a woman is seen as less than a man, otherwise he would also be admonished to give himself to her, but because she is less than, therefore her place is conditional to her husband’s righteousness, as only he covenant’s to God unlike women who covenant to and gives themselves to their husband’s (and not the Lord) during the endowment. I also fear that because only women give of themselves and not men as part of the sealing ordinance that polygamy is something that is an eventual requirement, as a man is unable to give himself to more than one person, but will be expected to receive many wives who give of themselves. It makes me wonder if I am just a numbered wife, I sure hope not. But what really solidified this for me, was when I saw how much this hurt my husband.

Janeen:

I remember feeling dark, anxious, betrayed, angry the first time I went through. Talk about the temple is triggering for me. Now I feel like a bird that has flown into a window too many times and is lying, broken and confused, on the sidewalk.

Anonymous:

I had my first anxiety attack in the temple. It was at the endowment session for my sister in law, and I had a full on panic attack because I had started doubting things and my life was feeling like chaos. I kept a silent prayer running in my head, asking, pleading for me to feel peace. And it never came. And that is the point that I realized that the temple was not the heaven on earth that I had been told it was. It was not the special and significant thing I had been told all my life. People would talk in testimony meeting about how they saw their dead relatives there, that miracles and healing took place there. And here I was humbly seeking peace and found myself in the middle of a panic attack, dizzy and crying, out of breath. I couldn’t get myself calm, and couldn’t feel God’s love for me as I had been promised. It was heartbreaking.

Anonymous:

I was in a difficult marriage (sealed in the temple) for 25 years, lots of emotional, spiritual and even physical abuse going on. Leaving my x-husband was the hardest thing I have ever done. Because that’s just not what we do when married in the temple. But I finally found the strength and courage to get out, much thanks to incredible priesthood leaders. Both before and right after my divorce I had to mentally protect myself from having to covenant to my husband, by thinking passed him and in my own mind making nothing but a direct covenant with God. Having this man, that made my life hell, stand between me and the heavens made no sense. So I made up my own ritual, and that way the experience became a sweet one.

Anonymous:

The temple was a bit of a breaking point for me in my relationship with the church and not necessarily from a gendered point of view. I didn’t understand the endowment and decided I would really devote myself to figuring it out and I started attending much more frequently. I fasted and prayed, read church-approved books including Packer’s and devoted a lot of energy to understanding the signs and tokens. I developed my own theories as to what they meant and why. My husband bought a copy of an old Skousen book that talked more specifically about the ceremony and its origins. I learned the actual origins of the signs and my heart broke – it was nothing like what I tried to make them mean, totally unrelated to Christ and his atonement. I felt like I’d been duped and the rest of the temple unraveled for me. I wish I didn’t feel the need to be anonymous but I do.

Anonymous:

I have never been a Temple lover. I’ve only felt the ‘spirit’ once. That was when my BFF, her hubby and little boys were sealed. In hindsight (even shortly after) I’m quite certain it wasn’t the spirit, emotions were crazy wild that day.



I went through a week before my wedding in 1997, I absolutely HATED the initiatory, hated it…I felt so violated. I haven’t done one since, And I even know it’s changed.



I left feeling like I belonged to a cult! What in the hell just happened? I did NOT want to go back. Of course, I got married a week later, but have only been back a handful of times (weddings) since.



I live in Davis County in Utah and could probably go on a daily basis.



Five years ago I went to the Portland Temple by myself, I was somewhat excited because there were only about five people there, I thought maybe I could focus more and really TRY to appreciate and understand what everybody else seemed to love. No such luck. Left more confused and frustrated.



I’ve been back once since then, last year for my brother and SILs sealing (he had recently come back to the church after being excommunicated 30 years ago). I got a massive migraine headache – probably the worst I’ve ever had – I took that as a sign!

Alicia:

I went through the temple for the first time almost a year ago and I have been struggling ever since. The first month after was the hardest. I thought going to the temple was my final step towards being a true believing member. I was shocked afterwards and felt betrayed by my church and fellow members. It wasnt what I had been led to believe all these years! And everyone I tried to talk to seemed to tell me the same thing, “Just keep going. It will get easier.” But what they really mean is, “Keep going and you will become numb to the whole process. You can just tune it out eventually. Take a nap even.” I can NOT merge the temple with my regular church. Temple=weird sexist cult and church=culture, duty, normalcy. I wish I could go back a year and choose NOT to go. Its when my faith crises began and I can never erase its damaging effects.

Suzy:

So, I’ve always loved the initiatories and have had strong feelings of dead family members there and in sealings. The endowment, not so much. I haven’t had any majorly panicked moments or anything but lots of frustration and “hurry it up will you ya!” type feelings… However the prayer circle part makes me ragey. Totally annoyed, furious, frustrated and I’d be rolling my eyes and sighing if I wasn’t trying to be on my best behaviour. Like someone else said, I like live sessions way more (but I did laugh my way through SLC once and thought I was going to get thrown out because if it, but I guess they figured laughing was a change from people freaking out so they let us stay)

Erika:

I relate the temple experience to the story of “The Emperor Has No Clothes.” Everyone talked about how wonderful and spiritual the temple was growing up. 1969, just before my mission was my first time. It was in the St. George temple. They had live actors for the devil etc. They had the blood oaths, etc. My husband was a convert at 23 and the first time he went through he said he felt like he had just gone to a Klu Klux Klan meeting. Tell you that you should leave if you do not want to make these covenants before knowing what they are was dumb too. You go ahead and then feel trapped to not leave. No one has the courage, like in the emperor story, like the little boy, to say, “This is weird, crazy, and not right.” My older brother and his wife are temple workers right now in the St. George temple. They think it is wonderful and so spiritual because they truly believe they are helping the dead, etc.

Kristin:

I, too, remember mostly being rather let down and disappointed. I was irked that Eve had no lines after Eden. (I guess she had no thoughts to offer after that point in the film.) And there was no mention of Heavenly Mother. I thought that if we might learn of Her it ought to be in the temple. Huge disappointment. And I couldn’t help feeling that trying to remember signs & tokens was really distracting when I was trying to “feel the Spirit.”

Jeannine:

My temple pain comes not from things I perceived or experienced in the temple, but from the perception that if you have not been to the temple that you’re not a real Mormon. Everything (see the women’s meeting broadcast) is about how wonderful the temple is. Even for those who haven’t been, church is all about the preparation for the temple, not about becoming a better human being or even a better disciple of Christ.

Shannon:

I’ve had pain with the temple since the very first time I went through for my endowments. I thought my annointing was cool and yet uncomfortable. I loved to see priesthood power being exercised by women, but having aversion to being touched by others, especially people i didn’t know, I felt very uncomfortable the whole time and wished that i could have been warned of the “touching” i would undergo. During the endowment session it was all so knew and foreign for me to take note of any of the wording that first time, but i did once again experience discomfort when it came time to veil myself. Not only did i hate having the veil in my face and feel like i was going to suffocate, I hurt that i had to veil myself while the males in the room did not. ON subsequent visits i experienced intense pain every time i was reminded that my covenants were made unto my husband and not unto God. Other wordings, or lake of female inclusion also pained me. After 3 years of attending the temple almost monthly (sometimes bi-monthly) and hating it every time i got to the point where i was choking back tears every time i tried to go through a temple session. The last time i went it was to accompany my sister who was taking out her endowments. When they asked for those who were not ready to make the covenants to leave (as they do at the start of every session) i wanted to grab my sister by the arm and spring from the room. But i didn’t. I hated myself for not having warned her of the covenants she would be making. I regretted not giving her at least an inkling of the promises she was about to make, the information i wished i had been given prior to my taking out my own endowments. While in the celestial room my father brought up how wonderful it was that women didn’t promise to obey their husbands in all things, but simply to hearken unto their husbands as they do unto God, and how though they didn’t actually say it, he believed men made the same covenant unto their wives. I said that was a very nice thought, but also asked why he thought that wording wasn’t actually included in the covenants if he felt it was so important and thus implied. His answer was that he didn’t know. I have not returned to the temple since and have no intention of returning any time in the foreseeable future. I’m at a place where i don’t know if the temple is of God, of God yet flawed by man, or completly false. What i do know is that all three cause me unhappiness and so for now, I’m done to subjecting myself to it despite the fact i still attend church regularly.

Patty:

I was a convert and knew nothing of what to expect. When I went through the temple it was in preparation for a mission. I was shocked by the entire ceremony because it felt very eerily similar to my prior sorority initiation. There were so many similarities, I just felt like the entire thing was a joke. Then I felt guilty for not “getting” it.

To read all the posts in the When the Temple Hurts series, click here.

In order to respect the sacredness of the temple, please be thoughtful about sharing any specifics about temple covenants and rituals. Comments that mock the temple or certain aspects of temple worship will be deleted, in an effort to maintain fMh’s identity as a space that is both feminist and faithful. Each person has their own level of comfort with discussing temple ordinances, and while I’ll remove any comments that share things that church members specifically covenant not to share, I encourage you to be cautious about participating in this conversation if you are particularly sensitive to this topic.

Comments may be used as jumping off points for future posts in this series. If you have a story you’d like to contribute as a possible guest post in the When the Temple Hurts series, please send it to feministmormonhousewives [at] gmail [dot] com. We are happy to publish guest posts anonymously or with a pseudonym, if the author prefers.