A truly preposterous amount of Star Wars toys have been made over the last 35 years; during that time, Hasbro (and Kenner before them) obviously couldn't just keep churning out Luke, Han and Leia figures, so they've made toys of almost everybody who ever appeared in a single frame of the six movies. Here are 16 figures so dumb, absurd and useless only a Star Wars toy fanatic could love them (or buy them).



1) Rancor Keeper

Let's begin with one of the most absurd choices in Star Wars action figure history. The Rancor Keeper, whose name we know is Malakilli thanks to his figure, was actually offered back in the '80s in the Return of the Jedi line. This means that even in 1983, toymakers thought kids were genuinely looking forward to playingt with an obese, shirtless man whose sole scene in RotJ featured him weeping like a baby. Madness.


2) Jocasta Nu

Remember the bitchy Jedi librarian who basically called Obi-Wan a liberal communist in Attack of the Clones for daring to question the veracity of the Jedi library? Well, they made a figure of her. And here's what's crazy — even Hasbro thought a figure of this character was insane, but there was enough fan outcry(!) that they partnered with online retailer Brian's Toys to offer her. THE FANS DEMANDED A BTCHY LIBRARIAN ACTION FIGURE.



3) R5-D4

There's a bit of an online theory that states that R5-D4, a.k.a. the red droid from A New Hope that breaks down, forcing Luke and his uncle Owen to buy R2-D2 and thus setting the events of the original trilogy into motion, could be considered integral to the overthrow of the Empire. This is partially because in the Expanded Universe, supposedly R5-D4 somehow knew R2 needed to go with Luke, and purposefully malfunctioned in order to make sure R2 went with Luke and thus saved the day. None of this explains why Kenner or Hasbro sold a robot whose one action in the movie was blowing a gasket.



4) Yarna D'al' Gargan

If you want proof that most Star Wars toys are made for obsessive collectors and not actual kids, look no further than Yarna D'al' Gargan. This obese, six-breasted lady is supposedly a dancer in Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi, although a careful examination of the one shot she's in implies that while she does dance in Jabba's palace, she's probably not officially employed to do so, because she is terrible at it. If you would like to ruin a child's birthday, just give this figure to him/her as a gift.



5) Elan Sleazebaggano

This is the dude who tried to sell Obi-Wan Kenobi some "death sticks" in the nightclub in Attack of the Clones. Ignoring the fact that naming drugs "death sticks" is completely counter-intuitive, and ignoring that fact that Elan has the stupidest name in the entire Star Wars universe (no mean feat), who on Earth wants a figure of a dude peddling black market cigarettes? Oh, insane toy collectors, that's right.



6) Luke Skywalker (Moisture Farmer)

There have been countless Luke Skywalker figures, and as the protagonist of the original trilogy, you might think all of them are justified. To that, I present Luke Skywalker (Moisture Farmer), which is to say a figure of Luke Skywalker farming moisture. The doohickey he's with is a Vaporator as seen early in A New Hope, which was arguably what hardcore Star Wars toy fans wanted, as opposed to a figure of the main hero performing menial tasks.



7) Dexster Jettster

Dexster Jettster was offered in the initial wave of Attack of the Clones, so clearly George Lucas thought he was a character of some import. Of course, George Lucas also thought it made sense for Obi-Wan Kenobi to go to a greasy diner to see a cook who also happened to have extensive knowledge of poison darts, so clearly George Lucas can't be trusted to make these sorts of decisions. While he played a (sadly) vital role in AotC, unless kids really want a figure who can whip up some hashbrowns for their other toys, there's no need to own Dexster Jettster.



8) Willrow Rood

This character epitomizes how insane Star Wars fans — and thus Star Wars toys — can get. Willrow Rood is a character in The Empire Strikes Back, if you can count a guy who runs across the frame after Lando Calrissian tells everyone to evacuate Cloud City to be a character. Admittedly, he did become a bit of a fan-favorite because during his triumphant scene, he's carrying what is obviously a 1979 ice cream maker, not even slightly disguised, lest it fall into the hands of the Empire. Again, what is fun for the fans would be devastatingly sad to an actual kid.



9) Aunt Beru

It feels a little weird to include Aunt Beru in a list of most useless Star Wars action figures but not Uncle Owen, but hear me out. An Owen figure can theoretically haggle with Jawas, argue with Luke, and/or crush his nephew's dreams. None of that is particularly exciting, but it does make him at least somewhat of an antagonist, albeit a good-hearted one. Beru, on the other hand, does nothing but offer Luke mild emotional support and serve him blue milk (one of her figure's accessories). This is not what people in the toy industry call "play value."



10) Beru Whitesun

What's even more useless than a figure of Luke's aunt? A figure of Luke's aunt before she was married. Unlike her role as kindly maternal figure in A New Hope, in Attack of the Clones Beru Whitesun did nothing except stand next to the man who would become Uncle Owen and look kind of pensive because the son of their mother-in-law was going to go out and kill a shit-ton of Tusken Raider babies. Note: She comes with a pitcher, which is almost certainly also full of blue milk.



11) Gragra

Remember the delightful scene in The Phantom Menace where Jar Jar tries to steal food from a hapless Mos Espa street vendor, but the food snaps back and hits Sebulba in the face? This is a figure of that street vendor. So if you're looking to complete your collection of Star Wars Figures Whose Occupation Is Selling Food, you'll want to pick up Gragra right away. How this figure didn't come with the pile of shit Jarjar stepped into immediately preceding this scene I'll never know.



12) Wioslea

This is the alien that bought Luke's landspeeder in A New Hope. THEY MADE A FIGURE OF THE GUY WHOSE SOLE ACCOMPLISHMENT WAS BUYING THE STAR WARS EQUIVALENT OF LUKE'S USED CAR. And the figure explains why he was wearing a hooded cloak in his impossibly brief scene, and that's because his design is somewhere between godawful and moronic. He looks like H.R. Puffenstuff got caught in a house fire.



13) Rabé

Padmé Amidala had a host of handmaidens in the prequel trilogy: There was Sabé, the one played by Keira Knightley, who impersonated the queen for much of The Phantom Menace, and there was Cordé, the one who died in Attack of the Clones also acting as a decoy for the queen. Rabé is not one of these. She's the one that helps Padmé with her hair. Off-screen. Yeah.



14) Rep Been

Rep Been is the Gungan advisor to Boss Nass — sorry, I couldn't even type that without throwing up in my mouth a little. So basically, in The Phantom Menace his sole actions are to stand around and agree with Boss Nass on things. He's as useless as all the Neimodian figures, except they have the benefit of being antagonists. How many kids really want to play with a figure of an ass-kissing toady?



15) Breha Organa

Holy shit. I'm a big Star Wars fan, and I didn't know they made a figure of Bail Organa's wife from Revenge of the Sith. Actually, I didn't know Bail Organa's wife even appeared in the movie until I saw this figure. As far as I can tell, she is in a single shot, holding Leia, at the very end of Sith. Shockingly, Hasbro failed to market her with an amazing "Baby-Holding Action Feature."



16) Star Tours Officer

Another powerful example of how insane Star Wars toy collectors are — they bought figures of the cast of Star Tours, the ride from the Disney Parks. In fact, they released a complete set of the cast, including Chewbacca, alien Ree-Yees, Kaink the Ewok, Teek the macaque-looking alien, and this guy, the Star Tours Officer who manages "the tour." He looks like an insane Chinese bootleg of an actual Imperial officer figure. But at least we know why the Emperor was forbidden the rest of his officers from wearing red.

