Late-night hosts broke down the meaning of “law and order” and “catch and kill”.

Trevor Noah

Trevor Noah sorted through the defections from Donald Trump’s camp on the Daily Show, starting with his former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was sentenced to three years in prison for illegal campaign payments.

Ohhh so when Trump said he was a “law and order” candidate, he meant he was breaking the “law” in “order” to become president… pic.twitter.com/peP8teAVBs — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) December 14, 2018

David Pecker, president of the media company AMI, which owns the National Enquirer tabloid, then confirmed that Trump was in the room for discussions with Cohen about buying and locking away the story of his affair with a former Playboy Playmate.

Though it’s not illegal to pay hush money to bury a story, Noah explained, it is a felony if that money is used to sway an election.

Trump’s alleged presence “is a big deal”, said Noah, “because remember, he wasn’t even in the room when his own son was hatched”.

More ridiculous than most of the National Enquirer’s headlines, Noah continued, were Republicans’ twisted defense of Trump.

“Look, I understand the Republicans’ desire to protect their party’s president. I get that,” said Noah. “But they’re pivoting so far just to defend him that they’re moving away from what they said the Republican party stands for in the first place: law and order.”

Noah slipped into the voice of the president: “That’s right, folks, I am the law and order candidate – as in, I will break the law in order to become president.”

Seth Meyers

Seth Meyers also took a closer look at Cohen’s claim that he has finally found freedom from his loyalty to Trump through a three-year prison sentence.

“Wow, you know you’re hard to work for if going to prison is a relief,” Meyers joked.

Meyers then unearthed a news clip from 2011, in which a younger and visibly less stressed Cohen boasted of Trump’s influence as “the Godfather of politics”.

“I’m sorry, it sounds great, but Trump is not the Godfather of politics. If he were the Godfather, he’d be much better at getting away with the stuff he’s been doing,” Meyers interjected. “He’s more like the naked drunk dude running down the street in an episode of Cops of Politics.”

Meyers also focused on one of the week’s less publicized details: that Trump spent the morning of Cohen’s sentencing watching TV, not showing up to the Oval Office until noon.

“It’s like when you know you’re about to get fired so you stop caring if you’re bad at your job. Soon Mike Pence is going to catch Trump smoking weed out by a dumpster,” Meyers said.

As for Pence, Meyers said he could relate to the vice-president. “Look at his body language in that meeting,” Meyers said of Tuesday’s televised White House conference with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. “That’s what I do when the guy next to me on the subway is loudly watching porn on his phone.”

Stephen Colbert

And on the Late Show, Stephen Colbert admitted that despite a torrent of headlines, it did feel as though this week marked “a turning point in the Trump presidency … you can feel the change in the air”.

The admission by David Pecker (or, as Colbert called him, “old west prospector about to bury you in this rap battle”) that Trump was in the room for National Enquirer “catch and kill” negotiations corroborates Cohen’s testimony, Colbert said. It also rebutted the president’s claim, in an interview with Fox News on Thursday, that he didn’t think his company ever paid any money to the National Enquirer’s parent company, AMI.

Diving further into the interview, Colbert observed that “Trump did his best to bring the conversation back to complimenting himself” by praising his base and all the women who admire him.

“Oh honey, if the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love,” remarked Colbert.

And yet, his presidency goes on, Colbert continued, pointing to Trump’s recent tweet claiming that Mexico is paying for a border wall through money America saves in a new trade agreement.

Colbert quickly picked apart that logic. “Just because you save money somewhere else in a deal between three nations doesn’t mean they’re responsible for the federal budget,” he said, pretending to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. “Oh look a coupon – 10% off small subs. Quizno’s is paying for the wall!”