Welcome back misery lovers! They told us week two had nothing to offer us. Said there would be no misery on which to prey when the games ended. Well they were wrong. Misery kept its perfect record in tact this weekend, taking special exception to the Big XII conference.

This week we start way out west where the tortilla-throwing Red Raiders traveled to Tempe for a little PAC 12 after dark and boy did it get weird and high-scoring quickly. Late night football is fun for third party observers, but for fans it leads to some juicy meltdowns. Next we venture to Fort Worth where the Horny Toads hosted Bert's Razorbacks and the contest went to OT. The results were about as pretty as an Arkansas offensive lineman. We then travel to Bristol where the Hokies were run over by Tennessee on the infield of a NASCAR stadium which got and stayed ugly quickly. Finally we head to Stillwater where the Cowpokes hosted Central Michigan and lost on a botched penalty call that allowed Central Michigan to score the game winning touchdown with zero seconds on the clock.

You know the drill: the language in here is worthy of a good mouth-full-of-soap-washing so hide ya kids and ya wives. Also please don't show my grandmother, just tell her it was funny.

Come along with me down down down into the misery of others, protected by the knowledge that it's not your team who is melting down, unless it is. In which case I'm sorry you are in danger of reliving Saturday's sadness. Hate it for you.

TEXAS TECH

Is it possible to get blown out while scoring more than 50? From here, it’s possible.

Well in honor of that defense, happy 9/11 everybody!

This game makes me want to jump off a cliff but can't cuz I'm in Lubbock Fuck Lubbock for being flatter than a white girl's ass.

Idea for a reality tv show: Taking on Tech. You have 11 chances to run for a touchdown against Tech's defense. Each touchdown is $10,000 for you and a scholarship lost on the defense.

Someone stab me in the eye with a rusty grapefruit spoon. Please

We’re gonna give up 60 points to LA Tech.

I have wet dreams about Tech with a top 75 offense.

Make the defense and the fucking DC run laps until they puke their brains out and are hospitalized. That was so fucking pathetic. How embarrassing. Fuck, ASU should do the same too. Fuck this awful awful awful embarrassing shit that they called "defense" tonight. What the absolute fuck. I need a cig. Peace.

The God of Defense has stopped listening to our prayers.

HOW TO BET ON A TEXAS TECH GAME: Do numbers higher than the over/under exist? - YES: Take the over - NO: Take the over anyway

Do offensive records really count against this defense?

"They tackled him," he says with surprise in his voice. Fuck you

How does one "defense?"

They’re even fucking us on punts with their quarterback. Fuck this shit.

Security wouldn’t let us bring our tortillas in to throw so I had to eat all eight of them at the gate before they let me in.

THEORY: Pat is actually a Pokemon that has an ability which, when he is active, disables all defensive units in the area (including his own).

I'm drunk. Our defense is drunk. This game is drunk. Kenny Hill is assuredly drunk.

The SEC may be onto something with that whole "playing defense" thing.

I bet David Gibbs is googling "how to stop the wildcat" on the sidelines right now

More like rectum Tech.

Of all the frustrating losses in the Kliff Kingsbury era at Texas Tech, this one is by far the most recent.

I feel like tech practices offense all week then 15 minutes before the game starts they say "oh shit we forgot about defense"

I publicly associate with this university that is god awful in front of the whole country.

This defense is going to get sodomized by Baker Mayfield and when it does I will die trying to drown my sorrows in Chimmy’s margaritas, just like the old gypsy woman said.





TCU

MORE LIKE KENNY DILL CUZ HE JUST THREW A PICK(LE)

Dan Skipper looks like he is old enough to have a mortgage, a sensible car, and worry about his 401k.

"I think TCU's problem is that they aren't playing good defense and not scoring on offense" -John Madden

We're going to get embarrassed by actual passing teams. Tech, Baylor, even Texas may score 100 on us. We've let a FCS team and a power running team throw it at will against us.

3rd and inches? Let's play four yards back.

That Penalty chopped off my Nutz.

The trill is gone The trill is gone away The trill is gone baby The trill is gone away...

I wish Hill would throw some TDs to his own teammates.

Does anyone know which way the end zone is? If so, can you tell Gary?

FALSE START ON ALL 11 PLAYERS

I haven’t been surrounded by this many hogs since I visited my inlaws. They’re pig farmers, not just fatties.

Maybe it isn’t just Big XII refs that suck.

Never get in an overtime game with Arkansas. It’s as obvious as don’t fight a ground war in Russia. Those fat pigs have enough insulation to last 100 overtimes and keep fighting.

I’m starting to think last week wasn’t a fluke.

I hope GP changes his shirt and overly tightens his shoes at the half.

I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK HELP

I've also walked past three fights on the way to my car. Chill out TCU students.

Can Jake Arrieta play QB?

We’re getting SEC chanted out of the stadium. Out of our own damn stadium.

False start! *LAW AND ORDER DING*

Hill got a penalty for slashing his own throat when really I just wish he slashed mine so I wouldn’t have to watch this game anymore.

HOKIE NOKIE

Let's check in on Virginia Tech real quick... pic.twitter.com/hcmY6NF3Ez — Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) September 11, 2016

HELLO ALCOHOL MY OLD FRIEND IT'S TIME TO CONSUME YOU AGAIN

The Butterfinger at Bristol, presented by Flying Dump.

"it's fumbles, ..it was always fumbles." - VT football

Positive note: I've made my first ever Liquor purchase as an adult yesterday (yay mooching off my parents), so at least I can drown my sorrows in White Russians at 9 in the morning

VT = Very Turnovery

SO GLAD WE WORKED ON THOSE FUMBLE ISSUES FROM LAST WEEK.

"Your opponent has left the match"

THIS is the Hokie football I know and I'm comfortable with.

VirginiaTechFootball.exe has stopped working

Remember when we were winning Hokies. That was nice ):

Just fuck my shit up fam

prays for the thunderstorm to roll in and delay this game for the next 150 years until i'm ded

We like the pain in a twisted fucked up way.

I want to be in the locker room to hear them get shit on by fuente after this L.

We keep consoling ourselves with the whole "doesn't show how equal these teams are, VT keeps shooting themselves in the foot...." shit. Tennessee isn't the one fumbling 69 fucking times in one game. Doesn't matter how good you are in your shining moments, the score is the score. VT fucking blew this game harder than a 5 cent hooker on nickel night. This team is a fucking disaster right now. No matter how good your defense or offense is, if you can't hold on to the fucking ball then you're not a good team.

Why do I come into every season with hope? It's like I like the pain of being let down every year!

I bet you could use fired up Butch Jones' face as a hazard highway safety flare

fuck this, i'm playing rocket league

hi britsol PD id like to report a murder.

Isn't it bad enough that we're choking the game away, now I gotta watch/listen to this country/pop bullshit?

At least i have the Redski- ah shit



cOWboys

Central Michigan beats Oklahoma State on an INSANE Hail Mary-lateral: https://t.co/0hFf8ix8LX pic.twitter.com/TRKi2qCcMX — Complex (@ComplexMag) September 10, 2016

Stop it Buffalo Wild Wings

The Big 12 futility horn blares forevermore

"WE MESSED UP THE RULES BUT THE RULES SAY WE CANT CORRECT US MESSING UP THE RULES SO ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

I'm getting blacked out. See you at stonewall.

Can we never play CMU ever again?

Our o-line protects Rudolph about as well as his dad did from that asshole "all of the other reindeer."

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKING FUCK

This offensive line makes me want to murder things

Pssh more like Cooper Pass

On my first game as a student in 08, my older friend had a shirt that said "Stillwater is a drinking town with a football problem" so I assume that's where all the fans went at halftime. I was guilty of it too.

"Saudi Arabia of wind" What the fuck does that even mean?

ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION

How can a play "never have probably happened"? It either should or shouldn't.

I N C O N S I S T E N C Y N C O N S I S T E N T

Fire every one.No sacred cows. Absolutely unacceptable. Awful. Bad.

"The strongest evidence of love is sacrifice."

What the fuck. get off the fucking field if you dont have your shoe on.

We're the rams of college football

The dignity of our conference has been lost a looooong time ago. Several times.

Someone’s gonna have to go to the top of that water tower to defend the Big XII’s honor

CARDIAC COWBOYS BACK! *clutches left arm* *dies*

ARE THEY RICK ROLLING US?!

Good refs don’t exist. Football lives to watch us die Give me Everclear.