Wizards of the Coast

Magic: The Gathering’s planeswalker-heavy War of the Spark card set has been out for a month now, and there are plenty of guides to which ones to put in your deck.

But what about a guide for which one to let into your heart?

This silly thought experiment occurred to me after Wizards of the Coast sent me a War of the Spark draft box which included a planeswalker card in every booster pack. There are so many of them that it was helpful not only to remember them by their abilities but their personalities. Thanks to the creative team at Magic: The Gathering, which releases regular snippets from the lore in novel-like excerpts (not to mention an actual novel), we know many of their entire life stories. It’s only natural that with all that information, I’d develop some likes and dislikes about each of them.

See also: It’s Science: ‘Magic: The Gathering’ Is The World’s Most Complicated Game

There are 36 planeswalkers in War of the Spark from all walks of life and from dozens of planes of existence. Here they are ranked by how great (or awful!) it’d be to date them.

36-28 = Least Dateable

Dovin is a bureaucrat who is doing his best to make having fun illegal. This guy actually enjoys doing paperwork! He’s boring, and that’s worse than being evil.

This tyrant is the big bad of the Magic universe. He’s a total narcissist who demands loyalty but won’t give you the same. On the plus side, he’s literally a millennia-old dragon with a pretty sweet vacation home—too bad he’s trapped there for eternity.

If it’s not bad enough that she’s still obsessed with her ex, her lithomancy skills will definitely destroy your house. Points in her favor though: she’s a very patient person, biding her time inside a rock for 5,000 years—twice.

A real fixer-upper boyfriend. This living cautionary tale paid the ultimate price for acquiring more power when he was transformed into a monster. As he seeks to reattain the power he once had, he’d probably be really nice to you… right up until you stop being useful.

I’ll be the one to say it: this shadow mage is the spitting image of a mustache-twirling Wesley Snipes with a bad personality to match. Lazy and selfish, this guy is not above signing contracts with demons to get what he wants, so just imagine what kind of date he would be.

With devilish good looks, this fun-loving devil is always up for a good time. Unfortunately for you, however, his idea of a good time is torture. Please don’t smooch this sadist.

You could say this gorgon has killer looks (ba dum tiss). However, I mean that quite literally: she’s a professional assassin leaving a slew of petrified victims in her wake. Her preference for secrecy makes me think she’s not big on the open communication a healthy relationship entails.

This agender nightmare wizard only has half of a face, but the face they have is smokin’ (get it?). Maybe that will be of some comfort when they terrorize you with your own secret fears.

With a swirling cloak and valkyrie-like boots, this babe has great fashion sense. But on the other hand, she can and will take control of your mind. It’s a trade-off.

Wizards of the Coast

27-19 = Some OK Qualities

On the plus side, he’s literally a dragon, which means he might let you fly around with him. But a big negative is that he’s related to Nicol Bolas and they’re always going through some kind of family drama. You don’t need that negativity in a new relationship.

Vivien is a friend to the animals, but not so much of a friend to civilization. Her plan to restore the multiverse to its “natural order” might make for a relaxing first date, provided she allows you to live, too.

First off, he’s a vampire and who doesn’t think that’s hot? However, he’s not exactly big on keeping promises and might not be ready to commit. Besides, he’s on an important War of the Spark-related vendetta and is sort of busy right now.

Nothing’s tougher than a living golem. He built an entire plane of existence out of metal by himself, so you could say he’s a real handyman. Downside: literally and figuratively cold.

He’s got great hair and an electrifying personality. His talent couldn’t have gone to a nicer guy. However, he does have a serious boyfriend and probably isn’t interested in dating you.

See also: Homophobia Doesn’t Exist In ‘Magic: The Gathering’ Designers Confirm

He used to be a pirate and that’s awesome. He’s also got a strong set of family values. But this minotaur needs to enroll in anger management sessions, stat.

She’s a mermaid, how alluring! You’d get to hang out with her and her Kraken friends. I’m picturing beachside dates: snorkeling, sailing, and befriending the behemoths of the deep.

She’s a natural-born athlete who might take you hiking to some old ruins. She’s also an excellent dancer—just keep in mind that her dances sometimes inflict damage.

Here’s a girl who plays hard to get. Nobody knows where she or her fabulous hat came from. Of course, if it turns out that this secretive planeswalker is the heroic Elspeth in disguise, I’m bumping her up to the top 10.

Wizards of the Coast

18-10 = Fairly Decent Dates

An ambitious natural-born leader with arresting good looks, it’s no wonder that Liliana is frequently the face of the Magic franchise. Sure she’s got some emotional baggage, but you try living for a century or more without picking up a few hangups.

One thing’s for sure: this shield mage is very defensive. But once you get through his walls, he’s a team player with a kind spirit. I also love his fashion sense.

If you like bad boys, you’ll love this anti-rules rebel without a cause. Domri’s punk-rock toughness gels nicely with his affinity for nature. Would go camping with him.

He’s kind, friendly, and super chill, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’re really dating him for his dog. Mowu is sapient and can shapeshift so there’s even more of him to pet. Since Jiang has hardly any memories, I imagine he’s the “forgive and forget” type.

You’ll never be bored dating Tamiyo: she has a story for every occasion! Her extensive travels across the planes in search of new stories make for amazing anecdotes. Just imagine how easily this loquacious lady would win over your family and friends. Ideal date with this moonfolk maven: moongazing.

Three words: must love dogs. Arlinn isn’t only a planeswalker, she’s also a werewolf. Fiercely devoted to saving her kind from extinction, one of her best traits is her loyalty.

Nothing’s more attractive than intelligence, and this brainy neuroatypical gal isn’t only book smart, she’s downright immersed in the wisdom of the ages. Since she’s so busy with her research it might be tough to schedule time together, but it seems like it’d be worth it.

Brawny with a gentle soul, this warrior poet uses a dinosaur as her sole means of transportation. Imagine getting picked up for a date by a lady on a dinosaur. 10/10 Uber ride.

Picture the Lorax with charisma, and you’ve got this accomplished elfin druid. Her focus on environmental conservation gives her a truly noble cause. Just don’t litter or this relationship is definitely not going to work out.

Wizards of the Coast

9-1 = They’ll Give You A Magical Time

Let’s just say he’s really big on self-improvement. These days, he can even transform into a dragon! He might leave you to date a dragon instead, but you’ll be so charmed by this roguish warrior that you won’t be able to blame him.

Don’t be fooled by his mind-sculpting skills—Jace is secretly a romantic softie. And since he erases his own memory a lot, you can go on as many first dates with him as you want.

This mature woman is a silver vixen, if you will. She’s quick-witted—you could even say she has lightning wit—and has a quip for every occasion. She’ll definitely put you at ease.

One thing’s for sure: he’ll always have time for you. This time-traveler pairs the wisdom of his preternaturally long life with a youthful fondness for practical jokes and ensures that your dates with him will never be boring.

Liliana describes him best with her joking nickname for him: “Beefslab.” This jock with a heart of gold is the kind of guy who would put himself in danger to save others, and I just know he’d bring that same selflessness to a relationship.

This creative metalsmith has as many admirers due to her inventions as she does for her sunny disposition. Her temperament and her accomplishments will make you want to get to know her better—if you can get past her fan club, that is.

First off, she’s the hottest out of all the planeswalkers—literally. Her idea of a good first date probably involves political activism and no small amount of robot-punching. She’s got lots of passion, but just be sure not to get burned.

This ghost assassin certainly ain’t afraid of no ghost. She likely won’t “ghost” you, to use dating parlance, and it’s certain she won’t tolerate anyone who does.

What can I say? This lion man deserves the top spot for being such a genuinely thoughtful guy. All of his abilities focus on strengthening the people around him. He’s got a mentorship role among his allies and is always doing whatever it takes to support his peers. No planeswalker on this list is more consistently kind, brave, and on the path to righteousness as Ajani, and that’s why he wins the coveted role of #1 best planeswalker to ask out on a date.

Thanks for humoring me through this ridiculous list. If nothing else, I hope it has encouraged you to check out some of the truly bizarre and fantastic Magic: The Gathering lore.

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