Bravo to Science magazine. In our modern society where anything even slightly provocative is a viable trigger for mass outrage, feminism is a major hot-button topic and sexism in science is an ever growing concern, it takes serious cluelessness to not only put out an article where a female researcher is told to just put up with her boss ogling her as she’ll need his help at some point, but to present this as legitimate career advice. In the words of countless commenters on this very blog; how the hell did this get published?

However, the original article is no longer accessible, having been removed after the online backlash began (hence all the archived links used here). Science Magazine has posted a comprehensive and reassuring explanation, which reads like an apology except it doesn’t say “sorry” anywhere.

An optimistic conclusion is that Science Magazine were caught out by a contributor having more “questionable” views than they expected, and didn’t notice anything amiss until they heard the angry mob out the window. But this did happen, and it reveals that such “just grin and bear it” attitudes to poor workplace conduct or harassment are still considered fine and normal by influential people in the world of science. That’s less than ideal.

Are young female scientists condemned to this sort of thing? This example happened publicly, but it’s anyone’s guess how often it occurs in the typical scientific workplace. But perhaps it’s been a positive thing? Maybe exposing female scientists to dreadful advice will help inoculate them against it when it occurs again? Because it will.

With this in mind, old friend of this blog Dr Hugh Briss of the Federation for Furthering Science (FFS) has agreed to provide “advice” to aspiring female scientists enduring workplace problems.

A lot of things happen in pubs, even sexism. Photograph: Bloomberg via Getty Images

Dear Dr Briss I’m an experienced and dedicated postdoc. I’m always the first to arrive and the last to leave, and have several papers to my name. Despite this, I am constantly passed over for promotion or advancement, with choice assignments being given to male colleagues. I recently discovered our department head makes all these decisions in the pub on a Friday afternoon after work, and rewards anyone who buys him drinks. I am never invited to these social gatherings, usually because I’m finishing the actual work in the lab. Is there anything I can do to address this issue? Yours Mandy

Dear Mandy

This is unfortunate but can’t really be helped. While people say alcohol obscures judgement, the fact is it’s essential for coping with the stress of a research career. By doing it in the pub your department head is making important decisions in the best possible context.

While they may not invite you to these gatherings, this is nothing personal. It’s not you, it’s your gender. Women process alcohol differently to men, so while men can consume several pints and still make sense of quantum theory, most women have a sip of gin and immediately fall about singing and weeping.

You’re more useful staying in the lab, taking care of the less important stuff. But if you do want to join in, you could always get a job as a waitress in the pub. All men like a woman who can carry multiple drinks at once. There’s a skill that will get you noticed.

Dr B

Many scientists are male, and afraid of cooties. Photograph: Roy McMahon/Corbis

Dear Dr Briss I have been working in my research institute for many years, but no matter what I do, credit ultimately goes to my male colleagues. I’ve been the driving force behind a number of successful projects, but the praise is always directed to the most senior man involved, even if they’ve had only the barest input. I’ve unfairly lost the first author credit countless times, and my research supervisors won’t even take my submissions seriously unless a male contributor is named. Please help me remedy this Sally

Dear Sally

While this is no doubt a frustrating experience, it is simply a consequence of human nature. Humans evolved to make men hunters and women gatherers. Men will prowl the labs and hunt for resources and prime targets, like first author credits, while women will remain more placid and gather credits and praise here and there. This is why it’s important to have a male author on your paper, because it shows that a man has been able to “hunt” for the useful data in a submission, whereas women just gather everything and put it all in one place, just like they do with shoes and clothes.

Women being emotional and irrational doesn’t help either. You could try being more masculine in the workplace? Socks down the trousers, some fake stubble, fart wherever possible, just don’t go overboard and intimidate your senior male colleagues, we, I mean they, hate that.

Dr B

Dating a colleague is never a good idea, unless you’re the male one and then it’s fine. Photograph: Reimar 8/Alamy

Dear Dr Briss I am enduring a difficult situation at work. A colleague and I became romantically involved while working together on a grant application. It was great for a while, we got on really well, but then our grant was rejected and, to my surprise, he blamed me for this. We ended up having a blazing row and breaking up, and now he’s trying to turn all of our work colleagues against me, despite his accusations being completely untrue. It’s made work very difficult and I’m not getting any consideration or professionalism from other male colleagues. What can I do? Yours Beth

Dear Beth



I’m afraid that this situation is beyond your abilities to address. It’s a well-known fact that men can exert no conscious control over their reproductive organs. This is why it’s vital that women not dress in revealing clothes or do or say anything that could be interpreted as flirty when in the workplace or anywhere else.

When a man has obtained a woman, he feels infallible, because of evolution, probably. So when your grant was rejected he had to assume you were responsible, which you probably were by dating him and distracting him with your female ways.

Sadly, there’s little to be done about this. A bitter and rejected man is a valuable asset for a workplace as their underlying resentment of women makes them more focussed on their job, thus increasing productivity, so your employers will want to keep him more than you.

You should try getting a new job, one where you don’t distract the men there, apart from to ask for their help with every possible thing (see above).

Dr B

Senior scientists are often eccentric or weird, but their brilliance excuses this. Unless they’re female. Photograph: Moviestore Collection/REX

Dear Dr Briss I’m pretty sure a senior researcher in my group is a vampire. He has pronounced fangs, only ever works at night, claims to be 800 years old and is constantly hanging upside-down from the ceiling of his office. I wouldn’t mind so much but he’s recently put me to work on the night shift, replaced my lab coat with a flowing white gown and keeps urging me to take a nap in the break room which now has an elaborate four-poster bed in it. This seems like questionable workplace conduct. What would you suggest I do? Yours Mina

Dear Mina



Imagine what it would be like if all individuals weren’t undead. Life, or lack of it, would be quite boring, wouldn’t it? The behaviour you mention is common in the workplace. I had a friend once who’d employed a werewolf as a post-doc. He never even noticed, unless it was a full moon.

What your superior is doing doesn’t sound illegal, but if he progresses to actual drinking of your blood then you may want to have a quiet word with him. But just imagine the perks of an endless cursed existence. Think of all the data you’d be able to work through.

Dr B

Dean Burnett does not agree with the views of Dr Hugh Briss and wouldn’t have given him free reign of his blog if he’d known he was like this, honest! He’s on Twitter, @garwboy

