Before I found out I had DID, I dated a guy for several months about a year before I went into my big fugue and lost all of my memories. I thought in reading back messages between us, as well as hearing about him from mutual friends, that even though I had broken up with him, we still kept in touch and even talked to each other every now and again at parties.

A few weeks ago I saw him at one of those parties, and he did not say much. However, mutual friends said he was like that to them, as well, so I was not worried. He even texted me afterwards saying he had something of mine and would hold on to it until I could get it.

Sounds all good, right? Wrong.

To wrap up the long story, a good friend of mine’s ex-girlfriend texted me a few days ago, saying she wanted me nowhere near her son. I was very confused. While I am no angel or free from issues, this lady has her share of extremely serious problems caused not by (identified, at least) mental health issues, but by conscious choices of friends and “extra-curricular” activities, which I have never made my business or ever told others about. But, she heard from someone I tried to kill myself the previous year…and that “someone” was my ex-boyfriend (who dated me during and after that time and was a great support to me, supposedly). I texted him, saying I did not understand, but that I wished the best for him. What did he reply? “Don’t ever contact me again.”

I called one of our mutual friends who said my ex was probably hurt I broke up with him and maybe had one too many drinks and said things he did not mean out of jealousy. I don’t know. And, I’m not saying without DID there would be a perfect explanation, but I sure do wish I had all of my memories to help sort out this mystery.

And, while I can’t let a couple of people totally ruin my self-esteem, the lady was very cruel in her message to me. Not only that, but lately my shifts between personalities have been much more frequent, and friends whom I try to be close with somehow inevitably get on my nerves or make me angry…or, I have an episode of switching, and of course, they just don’t get it. A big reason they don’t get it is because I don’t tell people about my DID. Don’t get me wrong, that lady who texted me those awful things doesn’t deserve my trust. Someone who would text a person very hateful things about how manipulative and weak they are for trying to kill themselves is not someone I would want as a friend.

But, how does a person decide to share that they have DID? On one hand, it would sometimes clear up some misunderstandings, but on the other, the media, especially, makes us all seem like serial killers. I’m scared that even if there is someone I trust, what if we got into a big fight and then they spread my “secret” all around? I want to think I’m not embarrassed about having DID or attempting to kill myself, but it still really hurts when a person betrays my trust. Because as much as I believe having a mental illness should not be a stigma, it still is to a lot of people. And, I don’t want to be even more vulnerable than I already am.

I am in shock someone I thought was my friend would go around telling everyone something so painful and intimate about me. True, people who would judge me aren’t people I want to be my friends anyway, but it still hurts. I feel alone in the world. Is it too much to want to be able to trust others and feel loved and safe? I guess this is a perfect example of the causes of why I even have DID in the first place. I have never, for any length of time, felt safe or that others are trustworthy, and this example fulfills all my fears that future people I meet aren’t all that safe or trustworthy either…even if they seem really nice and caring. It’s very scary to think about, but it does make me all the more thankful for the couple of people I do trust.

I wish there were foolproof rules and guidelines to navigate when to trust people. There’s not, though, and I guess a person just has to use his or her best judgment to try, and then try again. Because what is life worth if I just completely close myself off from others?

And, then, I remember to think of my blog title, “Live in Grace, Anyway.” I forgive those people who lack understanding in hope that they will one day understand. They don’t deserve kindness back, but I will give it. I will be the friend they should have been. If I see them, I will be polite, humble, and gracious. I cannot make them like me, but I can give them less and less reasons to hate me.

These are quotes I should keep in mind:

“There is within each one of us a potential for goodness beyond our imagining; for giving which seeks no reward; for listening without judgment; for loving unconditionally.”

““The opinion which other people have of you is their problem, not yours.”

― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross