A Beginners Guide to Spanking her... (Second in the series for BDSM Beginners)



{Editorial note: I do not mean to insult A/anyone, but for simplicity for the beginner I did not follow the proper capitalization rules.}

In the first part of this series I talked about the founding principle of BDSM: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. I don't think enough can be said about the importance of each of these three areas. For those of you who did not read the first part, I will cover it here one more time because of how important it is to both the beginner and the experienced BDSM practitioner.

Safety is the first leg of the BDSM three legged stool, if you'll permit the analogy. Safety first, second, third and always is the only way to truly enjoy BDSM to the fullest. That sounds strange doesn't it? Isn't BDSM about taking absolute control? Isn't BDSM about Bondage and Dominance? Isn't the S in BDSM stand for sadism, which means to take pleasure in inflicting pain? Isn't the M about masochism, or the enjoyment of receiving pain? Well, the answer to all those questions is; yeah, but! The BDSM lifestyle that we practice at home is a loving relationship that has the basis on the clearest of understandings. I dominate her, because she needs to submit to feel complete, and I need to have loving control so that I too can be fulfilled. One without the other is impossible, or better said it is not BDSM and can border on abuse and brutality at its worse.

To the outside world [those who have only read the words, but not experienced the lifestyle] BDSM is the dark pictures they see on the magazines and the brutal pornographic images that sometimes are included in the movies. Just like a man can't leap over tall buildings, BDSMers do not brutally accost each other for the sake of the Sadism and Masochism traits they share. BDSM is about the open conversation about the fantasies, desires and needs as well as the enjoyment of dominating or being dominated and for both to heighten their erotic pleasure by the unique sensations they share with each other.

The second leg of the three legged stool of BDSM is "sane". All play, no matter how extreme it seems to the viewer is done with an understanding that no [harm] will be done. The difference between pain and harm is very significant. Think of it this way, you may enjoy having your ass spanked [the thrill of the sharp sensation and the intimacy that accompanies it] but you would not enjoy being punched in the nose. Why? Simple, the blow to the cushioned fatty tissues on your buttock which is made for such abuse will cause no harm [no permanent damage]. However, when you are punched on the nose [even if you use the same force as on the buttock] you hit less than a millimeter of flesh and then you are applying direct force on soft cartilage and then directly on the bone. That same force is very likely to break something and cause injury. Harm is not BDSM, that's brutality and in no way accepted or condoned in the BDSM world.

Sane also includes the fact that the dominant in the relationship is the one that while in control, also must assume many responsibilities for the safety of his submissive. This is not a one way street; it is in fact a very well balanced relationship between submissive and dominant. The dominant has to make sure that neither is under the influence of alcohol or mind, perhaps it would be better to call it perception, altering drugs. The dominant has to be able to focus all his attention on the submissive and have a clear understanding of how close she is to her limits. His reaction time must be at its sharpest to ensure that if the situation gets out of control he can slow it down or stop it in a heartbeat. That can be the difference between pain and harm.

The third leg of the BDSM stool is consensual behavior. Neither party gives cart blanche to the other. The importance of communication, communication and yes more communication cannot be emphasized enough in here. Long conversations need to take place between the dominant and the submissive to ensure that the scene is clearly laid out and that both know what the limits are and where they can and where they cannot be pushed. Dominants ask questions and make sure that you know exactly what's on the mind of the submissive. It is essential that you put her at ease and that she is made to understand that in this type of conversation she is not topping from the bottom: a topic all on its own.

Once you've resolved all the questions in your mind, as the dominant, you must take control of the situation. She craves to feel your loving control over her and will only put up a fight to the extent that it heightens her enjoyment of being taken over; more appropriately taken in hand. But, at the same time, you must keep in mind that you are doing this for your own enjoyment of taking her and letting her feel your hand landing upon her flesh just as the rest of you will at the end of the scene when you take her.

The same thing applies here that applied in your first experience dominating her: take your time! There is no reason to rush through a scene. The moment can be prolonged and minutes made to feel much longer because your adrenaline and hers are fully taking over your brain and the rest of the chemistry in your body. Give her a set of instructions that make sense to you. In this article I'm going to give you some ideas, but in the end remember it is your scene, and NOT mine.

Order her to go to her room and put on appropriate clothing. My own preference is a loose short skirt, no panties, no bra and a tight low cut top. I want her to feel the embrace of the clothing and I want the clothing not to interfere with my machinations as I spank her. Order her also to come back to you and to kneel before you. The kneeling position I enjoy the most is called NADU and it comes from the Gorean worlds. She is to kneel, legs spread apart and her ass resting on her heels. Make sure she's comfortable enough by providing her a soft spot for her knees. Her hair is to be put up so that it is out of your way. Her upturned palms are to lay on her thighs offering herself openly to you.

Once she's kneeling before you, make a big production out of observing her. Ensure that she understands that you are gazing upon her body and that it belongs to you. Make minor adjustments to her position so that it pleases you most. Arrange her hair the best way for your ability to touch all her skin. At this point you want her to feel your domination and total control over the mood, because it is that same mood you are setting for the scene. The mind is what you wish to control; the body is the easy part.

Enjoy the feel of her breast upon your hands; do not allow her to look up at you unless you explicitly give her instructions to do so. Again, you are working on the mood and you are helping her achieve the mind set of the submissive. Enjoy a long caress down her back, ending on what will be the target of your blows. Touch her as if your fingertips were as light a feather and do not allow her to squirm because you are tickling her. Don't yell at her, just simply and firmly say: Stop! Do not allow her to protest that she's being tickled and cannot help it. A submissive, just as much as a Dominant, has to be in control of herself first and foremost. She has to have searched her own mind and spirit and decided that she wishes to submit to you, and upon arriving at that depth of self understanding, and then she is ready to experience the fullness of submission. If she's failed to do this, take her through this journey of self awareness. There are no shortcuts in life, and neither are there any in BDSM.

The dominant person takes on many responsibilities as I stated earlier. The development of her self awareness is one of the requisites for the job. Come on, it's no different than the soul searching you did when you realized that you had the potential of becoming a Top or a Dominant or even a Master. You spent hours thinking about it, what it meant to you and what would be expected of you, she has to reach the same point or you two are not in balance with each other.

Take your hands and roam her body one more time: always taking the opportunity to correct her posture to please you most. Follow the center of her body down to her thighs and caress them. Tease her, endlessly! She is your willing toy at this point and actually expects you to use her. Caress the inside of her thighs, slapping them softly and telling her: Open! Be firm, but be nurturing at the same time. She's learning what pleases you, and learning what she enjoys at the same time. Part her lips gently, enjoy the unencumbered view and allow your fingers to penetrate her. See if she's wet enough to go to the next step. Your preparations are to bring her arousal to a nice wetness that signifies that her entire body is ready for you. Stay in this stage, or similar one, until you have her completely melting to your touch.

Before you move to the next step, keep in mind that there are parts of her body that are made to take punishment, but there are many parts that are not. Examples of two areas you should stay away from are her spine (I know, you had figured that out on your own) and her lower back. Her lower back, and on the side of her spine is where her kidneys are. The kidneys are very sensitive and are also attached to the muscular tissue directly connected to her flesh. A blow to the lower side of her back and you are dangerously close to causing damage to the kidney and to the injuring her. Not a good idea. One more area, that I'm sure you figured out as you walked behind her, was her neck and her head. Don't strike a blow to either, they will cause harm. The last word of caution is her coccyx bone, or better known as her tail bone. A direct blow to it can cause the tip to break off and that is severe injury and pain.

Now that you have surveyed your property and are certain she is fully aroused, place her in a position that will allow you to spank her comfortably. Remember, this is not a ten second spanking, this is a good workout and will last a fairly long time. Once you've put her in the position you want her in, and then warm her up a bit. Take her butt cheeks in your hand, cup them and squeeze them. The purpose is to get her mind ready, and to get the blood flowing nicely to her ass cheeks. Lightly tap them. Take your coat off, get comfortable, you'll be here a while. Get the lay of the land, so-to-speak. Feel her ass cheeks; make sure her legs are still parted because you want clear access to her lips. You will want to check her moisture level from time to time, and to allow her to vent some of the eroticism she's feeling by playing with her clit, and plunging a couple of fingers deep in her; allowing her the pleasure of your penetration. Continue for a while squeezing and lightly tapping her ass just to get a good feel.

Did you remember to set up a safe word? I hope so, if you read the last article. But in case you've not here is a good time to discuss safe words. Pick a nice safe word, one that would not be a commonly used word in this situation. Stop, is a bad safe word. Ouch, as I remind my wife, is NOT a safe word. I do that to give her a second to decide if Ouch was truly Ouch, please stop, or simply enjoyment of a well delivered blow to her lovely ass. "Blue" could be a good safe word, if you both will listen for it, and both remember the meaning of it.

In addition to a safe word, you also need to find a word or a motion that will let you know that she enjoyed a particular blow very much. A word that lets you know that you can spank her harder, or a word that means you hit a perfect spot, please remember it so that she may enjoy that feeling again. Are you getting the idea that this is a lot of responsibility for you as the dominant? Good, you are getting it right and you'll do well. You must work this entire scene and words (safe and forward) out ahead of time.

Begin by delivering a few nice soft but firm blows. Look for the areas on her ass and thighs she enjoys the most, and give you the most pleasure. Remember the good spots, and make a mental note to come back to them. Test her later on with harder blows, or more rapid blows so that you get a general picture of both of your likes and dislikes.

The force and frequency of your blows need to climb steadily. You should start soft and slow, and then a bit harder and than later a bit faster. Interchange slaps across her ass, with squeezing and caressing. Give her body time to fully enjoy the sharp sensation of the blow, and then the tenderness of your love for her. You are using her ass and thighs to work her out physically, mentally and emotionally. Don't be afraid to make her cry; she may need your spanking to release those emotions. Don't be afraid to hold her down in place as you deliver the spanking as long as she does not use her safe word; but at first you should remind her that squirming or ouch not even crying is a safe word. Make her feel reassured that you are watching for her safe word, but that you are going to take her to the edge and let her peek over and test the other side, until she uses her safe word.

As you land blows keep in mind that too many blows in one place tend to get painful and no fun for either of you; unless you are doing it on purpose. You'll learn that it is not always painful if she is already worked up enough. In that case it is a lot of fun and you should not hesitate to do it. Otherwise, switch cheeks; slap the lower part of her ass right by her thighs with a little upper movement on the hand to cup the ass cheek. Let your fingers linger and then plunge them deep inside her. If she's wet, pump her a few times, then remove your fingers and deliver additional blows where you know you'll enjoy the most. Observe her carefully and she'll teach you where you will achieve the best results by slapping, how hard, how often and for how long. Submissive women are not door mats, they are very intelligent and very strong women who simply need to be taken in hand, to be made, by sheer dominant will not brutality, to feel their submission. Let your manliness come out, peel away the years of political correctness, wash them away and enjoy the power exchange you both share. It is like nothing else.

As you do these scenes realize that the more you do them, the more you'll know and the further you can push her. Many women I've talked to tell me that their Tops at first did not push them far enough and that they needed to be taken up there so that they could release totally. Don't be afraid to let the scene last a long while; but always keep an eye on her to make sure her blood flow is not compromised and make sure her breathing is normal (normal for the emotions she's feeling). Her safety is in your hands and no one else's.

Her mental and emotional state is yours to control, but it is also yours to observe. The deeper and deeper she goes into her submission she can get lost inside of herself, and now you have to take great care of her. Just as you took time to bring her to this level of release, you need to slowly bring her back down. This is when you have to be gentle with her and let her feel your presence and your continued control of her as she winds her way back down. Caressing and gentleness are the keys for after care of your girl.

Afterwards talk about how she felt, what she was thinking, what she wanted to feel more of, and what she wanted to feel less of during the scene. If she's reluctant to be open with you, remind her that as your submissive her thoughts around a scene you've put together and delivered belong to you; both the good and the bad. Encourage her and reward her for open honest answers. This will only make your next scene far better than if you only had your thoughts and impressions to work from.

I encourage both Dominants as well as submissives to add to this posting by leaving comments describing your own feelings about spanking scenes that you've been involved in, and help the beginners gain a better perspective by the variety of thoughts. To allow my own thoughts and experiences to guide is not sufficient. A beginner is eager to learn from you and I humbly ask that you add your thoughts to mine.

Blessings to all of you and thank you for reading this article.