I want my vote back, Mitt. Give me back my vote.

In 2012, I voted for this insufferable establishment icon, this inept goof who the Democrats wish every Republican would emulate. Some nights, I wake up sweating and screaming when I relive it in my nightmares. I should have taken my ballot, lit it on fire and flushed it down the Schiffhole.

But Romney does serve a purpose, as hard as that is to see through his pathetic antics. His perpetual groveling for approval – including, hilariously, from Donald Trump himself who just broke him right in front of our eyes over the Secretary of State gig – is so shameful and cringe-iliciously embarrassing that it obscures the vital role this shiny doofus can play for conservatism.

He’s a perfect conservative cautionary example.

This is Mitt.

Mitt’s a loser.

Don’t be like Mitt.

Let’s review the storied resume of Willard “Mitt” Romney as a way to understand exactly why he is political strychnine to the conservative movement. If a council of learned scholars sought to create the most utterly hateable, totally unrelatable caricature of what a Republican is, their final product would be this Jeb!-like golem.

Mitt started off the son of a rich guy, which is fine, but he did not go to Vietnam because he was in France on a mission for the Mormon church. His being a Mormon is literally the only good thing about him. His being healthy and not going to ‘Nam, even as today he talks a big game about staying in Syria forever because…well, because it would never occur to Mitt to take a position the folks at the country club don’t share, is a bad look.

I sort of hate the whole “chickenhawk” thing. Every citizen has a right to opine on the question of war and peace, DD 214 or no. There are lots of good reasons people have for not serving, and my own service was pretty much just showing up, but it’s super hard to take our ruling caste – of which Mitt is a charter member – writing checks that get cashed in our kids’ blood when they have no kin in the game. That’s especially true when out of Mitt’s 47 spawn, we will never see his sons Tagg, Tugg, Zippy, Miff, Mork, Dingus, Tugg II, or Spork rucking-up to head over to Northern Syria to fight Turkey over this esoteric border dispute.

The same day he was on the Senate floor fronting about “honor” and “betrayal” there was a civil war breaking out in Mexico, yet Mitt couldn’t spare a second to fight to secure our own border. Every year, our open border literally kills thousands of Americans, via criminals and fentanyl. That’s what we’re interested in, not refereeing between tribes on the other side of the globe. But the folks who really matter to Mitt, his fat cat elite pals, decreed that we just have to accept the open borders butcher’s bill because they need the serf labor and new voters, so Mitt’s right there championing the Kurds instead of you and your family.

I oppose Turkey and generally like the Kurds, but I like Americans better, and so should our Republican politicians.

Beyond his class solidarity, Mitt’s loyalty is to Mitt and the glory that he believes should come from his blazing Mittness. He started in Michigan, then was governor in Massachusetts, then ran for president, then thought about running for Senate from New Hampshire, then moved to rich guy central in La Jolla, then ran for Senate in Utah. He’s the establishment equivalent of the cheesy strippers who you see on Southwest flights from LAX to Vegas every Friday night, with little carry-bags for their g-strings. Except they have the self-respect that comes with knowing they didn’t earn their dollars shipping American jobs to Szechuan.

His political loyalty is similarly tightly focused through the lens of Mitt. This is the guy who imposed the precursor of Obamacare on Massachusetts, which, in fairness, deserved it. He pretended to be conservative when he was trying to get us to elect him president and now, when we actually have a conservative Republican president doing conservative things, he’s siding with the Democrats because that Republican president is not him.

Of course, Mitt will vote to convict when the impeachment idiocy heads over to the Senate. He couldn’t pass up the pats on his impeccably coiffed head that would come from the very same liberal establishment that pummeled him as a cancer-causing, dog torturing bigot. Of course, this claim was unfair – he probably never caused cancer. But that whole dog on the roof thing was super weird, and I can’t forget the utter lack of character he showed by firing the great (now Ambassador) Ric Grenell from his campaign when some people realized Ric was gay. Mitt tossed a friend away because he was scared that his friend would be a liability – what do you think he would do to us Normals and our interests the second the elite put pressure on him?

Well, we know. He’s doing it right now. He’s John Kasich with a job and a dad who was most definitely not a postman.

It’s his weakness that really grates, the pseudo-gentlemanly submissiveness to the abuse of the elite we saw for far too long among our alleged True Conservative™ betters. We’ve learned that “being the bigger man” and not fighting back were not some sort of higher principle being put into action but were, rather, the manifestation of the weakness inherent in the conservatives of the cruise ship class. Candy Crowley humiliated him in front of the entire country and he just took it. Well, we’re sick of just taking it. He and his human puffball ilk are why we said “Ahoy” to Donald Trump.

This is what makes Mitt mad – not the depredations of the left but his rejection by the people like us, who he sucked up to in 2008 and 2012, after it became obvious what a fraud he is.

Hey Mitt, I want my vote back.

With marshmallow geniuses like Mitt Romney in charge, it’d just be a matter of time before my action-packed yet hilarious novels of America torn apart by liberal malice, People's Republic, Indian Country and Wildfire (Number IV, Collapse, is done and drops in November) came true! The Romney cheering section at The Bulwark, whatever that is, call my books “appalling,” so you’ll want to check them out!