Proving once and for all that men contain multitudes, 34-year-old Isaiah Torn continually treats his sneakers with a remarkable tenderness unknown to his girlfriend of two years, Maria Lucas.

“You can’t just buy a pair of sneakers, throw them in your closet, and think your work is done,” said Isaiah, who identifies as a long-term relationship guy because dating is too much effort. “It’s an ongoing process. You have to treat your sneakers with attentive care and respect if you want them to hold up over time.”

Unfortunately for Maria, she has not experienced this level of attentive care in their relationship.

“When we first started dating, I was impressed by how well Isaiah takes care of his sneakers,” said Maria. “I saw it as a sign of maturity, I guess. But since we moved in together he’s never cleaned up after himself or purchases groceries besides cereal and milk.”

“And don’t get me wrong, I love him,” added Maria, clearly nervous one of her many friends all of whom don’t like Isaiah will use anything negative she says against her. “But his attitude toward his sneakers doesn’t exactly extend to other areas of his life.”

This observation was evidenced last night as the couple tried to get out of the house for a date.

“I had a crazy day at work, and when I got home Isaiah was sitting on the couch cleaning the midsole and heel counter of his Nikes with a baby wipe,” said Maria. “I told him I needed to hop in the shower before we left but he was like ‘No way. The reservation is in half an hour, you’re fine.’”

“I shouldn’t have to know what a midsole and heel counter are but not be able to wash my pits before dinner,” Maria added.

But Isaiah doesn’t see it that way.

“I have to take care of my sneakers, they’re like precious babies,” said Isaiah. “Like, I spilled my beer on Maria the other day at a friend’s party and she was so annoyed, but she can just wash her body. If I spill beer on my sneakers, their body is fucked.”

“She should take it as a compliment,” Isaiah added. “She’s a big girl, she can take care of herself.”

It’s a compliment Maria — congrats!