When will Leo take a wife? It’s what we’ve all wanted to know since Leonardo DiCaprio, the ultimate dreamboat of his generation, came of age. He’s famously shown little interest in settling down over the years, dating a long string of leggy models, who’ve all stayed about the same age as he’s gotten older. (Romeo is 40!) But his latest girlfriend, 25-year-old model Kelly Rohrbach, is maybe the one who can finally lock him down. If Page Six has its way, anyway.

In a long (for them) and thoroughly bizarre article, Page Six makes its case for Rohrbach in the most off-putting of ways. It reads like it was written by Men’s Humor. Let’s take a look at some of their reasons why Rohrbach is the perfect girl for Leo: