Sometimes it can be hard to notice the beauty around myself when I am in a constant state of pain. It’s hard to notice the beauty of a river, the sounds and smells of a natural place, when I am feeling a constant, nagging, burning, and itching sensation as well.

It’s also hard not to look back on the pre-pain era of my life without jealousy and nostalgia. Past me had no idea what was ahead of her. It’s easy to ask hypothetical what if questions of myself; what could I have done differently to prevent my illness? Did I enjoy those pain free years enough? What can I do to go back? Will I ever go back?



It is far too easy to compare the life I had back then (pre Jan 2017) to now and not feel pity, anxiety, and deep depression. Part of the process of picking myself back up from a bad place, unfortunately, is fully feeling these feelings. I cannot bypass them and immediately come out from a dark place into a peaceful one. This is not how we care for ourselves- we have to address those feelings we may not wish to address. We have to do the hard work.

I also can’t expect myself to be joyful in the same way I used to be. For the time being, all of my joy will also be accompanied with pain.

There is a beautiful, tragic, poetic dichotomy in this new way of living.

I need to accept that things will always be different, always changing, and that I can still feel joy throughout it all.

It is important to address depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts when dealing with chronic illness. It is important to see a therapist and talk to loved ones about your feelings. Do not isolate yourself. Do not allow yourself to be so alone that you feel you can give up and nobody will care. People do care and want you to survive this. I care.

When I was at my worst, I wished for a rest from the pain, and I found some solace in the thought of not existing. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I didn’t necessarily want to continue feeling so much pain, either. During these times, I thought about the people and animals who appreciated me in their lives. I lived my life knowing that my presence made them feel better. I thought about my cat who would desperately miss me if I was gone. I thought about my friends. I thought about my family. Eventually, I was able to live for myself. I live for the future me, who is hopefully pain free.

This is a hard process and a vulnerable topic for me to write on. I have waited for some time to address it.

I’ve thought of some strategies and tips on how to remember the joy while in the middle of your raging pain. I hope they can help you.

1. Remember Pain is Transient



Even when it feels like the pain is constant, pain is always changing. The quality and tone of the pain changes, it moves around to different places, it ebbs and flows, and evolves. Furthermore, our nerve receptors that recognize pain only exist for around 7 hours before being replaced. Our ability to perceive pain is constantly being reborn! Certainly this can be construed negatively, since our body can become more sensitive to pain as we experience pain chronically for long periods of time, but that also means we can become less sensitive with time. We are always living moment to moment- and in each new moment we can experience pain differently. Someday, we may experience it rarely, if at all. Take solace in this idea.

2. Practice Gratitude

This may seem cliche, but gratitude can help you survive the hardest of your flare up days. It is easy to remember what we have lost control of. Maybe your diet has become so restrictive that you cannot go out to eat with friends without feeling worse for hours or days afterwards. Perhaps you are in so much pain you cannot enjoy the activities you once loved to do, like dancing, biking, or even being intimate with a loved one. Maybe you have had to give up your favorite tight clothes, luxurious bubble bath products, or lacy underwear. It can be overwhelming, and the “can’ts” can swallow us whole. Experience this pain and this loss- in many ways you are grieving the loss of integral parts of your being- but also remember that you are still in control of some elements of your life. Perhaps you are grateful for the comfortable bed you rest on when you are otherwise unable to move due to a flare up of pain. Maybe you appreciate a kind friend who lets you cry on their shoulder and complain to them, listening and supporting you as you release your emotions. Perchance you are grateful for the bath you spend much of your day in, while you sit in a concoction of bath salts and other ingredients meant to reduce your inflammation. No matter how much pain you are in, I know you can think of five things that give you some relief, no matter how mild or trivial they may seem.





3. Make Plans to Look Forward To

Again, it is easy to remember all of the things that you cannot do. You may have to take extra care to plan fun events with those you love in a way that fits your budget and your health restrictions. Yet, it can be done.

There are free events. There are restaurant websites with menus, so you can make sure you will be able to eat something with your restrictions. There are sunny parks, quiet museums, and comfy cafes with herbal teas where you will find peace. And there are people who would be so happy to join you, there. When you are feeling down, message a loved one you have been out of touch with and schedule a time to meet. It will fill you up with sweet, warm kindness. You will smile. You will cry. It will be ok. And until that time, everyday you will have something to look forward to.

4. Create a Toolkit of Self-Care Habits

You can’t spend your whole existence with others- as healing as quality time can be. You will sometimes be alone with your pain. In this sensitive situation it is important that you have a toolkit you can reach for to work through the pain. This might seem hard at first when you are not sure what is causing your pain in the first place. What can seem so horrifying and yet wonderful is that there is no certain cure for vulvodynia that works for every patient. This means that there is meaning in trying every solution out there that seems right for you- until you find some tools that work. When in doubt, try activities that improve the lives of humans in general, not just those with vulvodynia. For me, this mean starting a meditation and restorative yoga practice. As I explored, I’ve also found that sitz baths and herbal washes can help my pain, too. Now I try to incorporate yoga, meditation, and bathing in my daily routine, and they keep my pain and state of agitation in check. I find comfort in the ritual and consolation in the structure. Find what feels good for you, and cut yourself some slack for whoever you are in the process.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Fall Apart

Okay, so you’ve written in a gratitude journal for 5,000000 days straight. You’ve planned to meet with every close friend you’ve had, like, ever. You have done every possible self-care activity in a 24 hour period, and more, and it STILL ISN’T ENOUGH. Healing is not a linear journey. Some days will feel worse than others, and you may not have any inkling as to why. It’s ok to cry, to relinquish control, to fall apart into a puddle. Some days, this is the best self-care you can do.

What do you do to take care of yourself? What helps you get through a painful day? I would love to know.