ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!” said Swanson as she used her free hand to refresh the video, straining to keep her momentum going by focusing on the sweaty, red-faced celebrity chef and restaurateur. “Fuck, don’t stop now. Garnish that bad boy up with some corn salsa, and then add salt to taste and take a bite, baby.” At press time, a trembling Swanson was thumbing through Jamie Oliver’s Super Food Family Classics in a desperate attempt to finish.

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