ATHENS, OH—Noting the “sad fucking glimmer in his eye” as he opened the front door, sources confirmed Monday that it was kind of pathetic how excited local 3-year-old Jackson Ross was to see his dad return from work. “The second that car pulled into the driveway, the kid raced to the window, jumped up and down, and just started shouting, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’ like a goddamn lunatic,” said one witness, adding that the way-too-eager toddler totally embarrassed himself as he proceeded to show his dad a bunch of his lame-ass toys as if the man doesn’t see them every single fucking day. “Easy there, bud. You were with him just this morning. If you think he’s even half that happy to see you, you’re delusional. Seriously, show some self-respect.” At press time, sources confirmed that Jackson was still pitifully trying to get the attention of his father, who was sipping bourbon in silence.

Advertisement