1 The Host



If we believe, do we have to watch?

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We realize there probably are people eagerly anticipating the release of Stephenie Meyer's latest "two mopey dudes compete over who gets to control a girl's life" epic. However, we are not anticipating another half-decade of terrible movies based on terrible books that one third of the Internet will insist are amazing, one third will make hackneyed jokes about, and one third will proudly announce without provocation or pretext that they have never seen, as if this makes them eligible for the Congressional Medal of Honor or the Trailblazing Individuality Award (we made one of those up). Also, Andrew Niccol's previous efforts include In Time, wherein he tried to convince the world that Justin Timberlake was an action star and the world politely disagreed, and S1m0ne, which is like watching the Zapruder film if Al Pacino's career had been sitting in the backseat of the presidential limousine. Adding supernatural melodrama to that rancid cake batter can only result in one of the worst experiences you could ever trade money for in a public setting.

Tom is wondering when J.K. Rowling is going to write Harry Potter and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter.