Photograph by RJ Sangosti/The Denver Post via Getty

ARVADA, Colo. (The Borowitz Report) — A conservative school board in Arvada, Colorado, that earlier purged its history curriculum of materials it deemed unpatriotic has voted to ban students from its schools for espousing similarly objectionable views.

“At the end of the day, it would be the height of hypocrisy to ban unpatriotic books from our schools but allow unpatriotic students to attend them,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the school board, said. “This was a very easy call for us.”

By transforming its schools into “student-free zones,” he explained, Arvada expects to realize significant cost savings, mainly through the elimination of teachers.

Dorrinson said that he was “cautiously optimistic” that the board’s latest action would serve as a model for other school districts across the country. “There isn’t a school in America whose problems couldn’t be solved by removing its students,” he said.

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