Unbreakable Dicks, Desirable Bellies, Credible Straights — Reader Advice Roundup!

This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: a gay man trapped in a woman's body is uncomfortable with the label "girlfag" and wonders if there's some other label that applies ; a straight man with a thing for belly fat is worried about his wife's newly expressed desire to lose the weight he loves ; a gay man doesn't know whether to out himself to a former coworker who already outed himself to the LW on a gay kink app ; and a straight woman who has a mini-orgasm every time she poops wants to know what the hell is going on with her junk . And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast

First up, regarding BROKE...

As a guy with BROKE's "problem" (albeit at more than twice his age and a lot more sexual experience), I have to say that my experience is not all women think that they're lucky when they wind up in bed with me... in the past, there were some "one and done" ladies who were looking at their watches after a half-hour. But those who can keep going and keep orgasming, especially from PIV sex... whoo, boy! Anyway, the BEST advice I've read on the topic is this post by Dr. Stephen Snyder at Sexuality Resource. (Personally, the thing that gets me over the edge is my partner playing with my nipples. Very dominant of me, I know. BROKE should try it.)

And BiDanFan highlights something I should've pounded a little harder in my response to BROKE...

BROKE has only had partnered sex four times? His problem is probably nerves. BROKE, relax. As we advise women in your situation, enjoy the sex and don't worry about coming. If you satisfy your partners completely, they won't mind you finishing off by hand. Perhaps—with their consent—onto their boobs or bums or even faces. (Dan, what's this about "put it back in"? Into a mouth perhaps, but not into a vagina, that just seems weird. And awkward with condoms.) [And] Dan is right, don't just keep fucking forever. We will get tired and sore, and if your partners are young they may feel too insecure or awkward to tell you they want the sex to be finished. If you fuck some unlucky woman for ages, don't just assume this is her dream come true—use your words, ask her if she's tired or wants to keep going, assure her you're happy to get yourself off and don't require her to lie back and think of England indefinitely.

It's possible to bring yourself to the point of "orgasmic inevitability" (OI) with a condom on and then slide back into someone's vagina or asshole. Some people want to "come inside," some people want their partners to come inside them. Not all, of course, but if BROKE doesn't have to take the condom off to get to OI and if he wants to come inside and if his partner wants him to come inside and if she's still wet enough—or lubed up enough—for him to easily slide back in, it's actually not that awkward. And, yes, those were a lot of "ifs," which is why I also suggested—and BiDanFan seconded—coming on the tits, ass, face, etc., of a consenting partner. That is, a partner who has specifically (and enthusiastically) consented to having her tits, ass, face, etc., ejaculated on in addition to whatever else they've consented to do.

And...

You informed BROKE) that his condition was called "delayed ejaculation." And that is what it's called, but it's really delayed orgasm. I have actual delayed ejaculation. When I orgasm, I have to wait up to a minute before I begin to produce semen. Afterward I continue to emit a small amount of semen for 5-10 minutes. (I usually tuck a bit of TP into my underwear.) Also, once I get an erection, I produce no precome, no matter how long sex goes on. If I have an erection for a while without orgasm, I produce precome only after my erection goes down completely. I made the mistake of seeking help from a urologist, but it was only wasted money with an unprofessional "specialist" who acted like he didn't believe me. My sex partners (all male) believe me, especially the ones who like to suck me off. I have sucked off enough guys to know that what I have is unusual.

And...

I am the author of the leading web site about prone masturbation and the troubles it causes: healthystrokes.com. We stopped referring to prone as Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome many years ago. Attached is a 2014 article by a doctor and nurse practitioner in Israel describing a treatment plan for sexual dysfunction stemming from prone masturbation.

The study you shared—"Unusual Masturbatory Practice as an Etiological Factor in the Diagnosis and Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction in Young Men" (Bronner, The Journal of Sexual Medicine)—was fascinating and it included what is now my second-favorite sentence in the English language: "He describes his ejaculations as not being as enjoyable as those with the vacuum cleaner hose, but he was satisfied with the results." (My favorite sentence in the English language? "Would you like some cake?") And the effective interventions prescribed to the four men studied (only one of whom was using a vacuum cleaner hose to masturbate) echoed my advice for BROKE, which was nice to see. I love it when I accidentally get the science of something right.

DAVIDinKENAI makes the case against Mr. Alvinolangia disclosing his kink to his wife...

I'd suggest he use Dan's first sentence, "I love you at any weight—I found you attractive before you gained weight, I'll find you attractive if you lose weight." and ONLY add, "There's no need to lose any weight for me. Really there's not. But please let me know how I can be supportive of what you want to do." Yeah, honesty is best, blah, blah, blah, but as Dan is always saying, a marriage isn't a deposition and I see so many potential downsides and head-trips the wife might do on herself with the knowledge of his kink. Here's one scenario: She wants to lose weight cause of society and fat-shaming. He discloses. She, no surprise, is unsuccessful, because dieting is always hard and usually fails. She feels bad about it, but that sense of failure gets shifted to him—that disclosing his preference was part of why she failed. How is that better for their relationship than non-disclosure?

Regarding What To Call Myself?...

Longtime reader/listener here. Gotta say, the woman who is married to a cis dude and has a kid... she’s just a regular straight person. Everyone wants their own brand of sexuality, everyone wants to be quirky and different, and that’s fine. I’m a 30-year-old old cis straight woman who is ALWAYS a man or boy in my dreams (nighttime dreams, not daydreams). When I dream I'm a man, which is probably once a week or so, I’m usually fucking my blonde wife or fighting zombies or showing my son how to do archery or some outdoorsy shit. I’ve been a dude in my dreams for as long as I can remember. That’s normal for me. I also sometimes date very effeminate men. I’m currently dating a very masculine man, and it’s going great. I dated a guy who now identifies as queer/enby (it was a "not-a-guy-but-non-not-a-guy-but-not-a-girl" thing) and our relationship was great for the six years it lasted. Liking gayness and sometimes wishing you have a dick (cause they’re fun and awesome!) isn’t weird—my female friends and I talk about this stuff and, while I’m a little farther on the masculine side than some women, my experiences aren’t abnormal. This stuff used to bother me when I was a teen but I thought about things and I know I identify as a woman and only want to fuck men who like fucking women. No labels needed. Your reader is normal, I'm sorry to say, but she can get used to parading under the cis/het label whenever she’s ready.

What To Call Myself? responded in the comment thread and has embraced the term "girlfag."

Apparently I did that thing men sometimes do...

@fakedansavage #savagelovecast please consider not talking over female researchers like Dr. Martin...I know that you're excited that her research is confirming your long time advice, but you interrupted her SO MANY TIMES. I'm stoned and I noticed. Thanks!

— MOON VILLAIN 2020 🍓 (@stealingsand) February 19, 2020

I think it was mutual exuberance! TY @fakedansavage for having me on 💓

— Wednesday Martin PhD (@WednesdayMartin) February 19, 2020

Regarding my advice for ASSHOLE)...

I've been reading your column for many years. Wanted to write in many times for advice but seemed to always talk myself out of it, mostly because I felt self-conscious, which ironically you probably could have really helped me with. But today, I read your column and your response to ASSHOLE in regards to being a jerk to his GF to get her to break up with him was damn near a godsend. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you. His letter and your response brought up a lot of painful feelings for me, but I very much appreciate what you said. My ex-husband (of 18 years) pretty much spent our whole marriage doing this to one degree or another, including a multitude of infidelities that he finally confessed to after we'd split up... All of it caused so much damage to my spirit that it's taken me several years to just begin to heal. The doubt and distrust has been the hardest to come back from. I'm still not healed enough to get into anther relationship but I'm getting there. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for that and for your insights into a wide array of relationship and personal issues.

I'm sorry you were treated like shit for eighteen years—and sometimes healing, getting over someone, and moving on to someone or something better (and being alone can be that something better) really is the best revenge. (And I'm pleased to report that ASSHOLE has seen the error of his ways and is an asshole no more.)

Welcoming a new member to the Magnum family...

Been thinking about it for a while… And today I finally subscribed to the magnum edition of the #savagelovecast @fakedansavage happy to support the show!

— Susana (@susanaph) February 17, 2020

Thank you, Susana!

And finally...

I wanted to weigh in on the caller in this week's Savage Lovecast who is uncomfortable with the phrase "believe women." I, too, am a woman who is uncomfortable with the term. I feel that the racial aspect of women's credibility in accusations of rape and sexual assault was missing from your analysis. For a good portion of American history, white women would leverage blatantly false accusations of rape against black men, which inevitably led to lynchings and, in a few cases, race riots. False accusations of rape against black men by white women were rampant, especially during the period 1880-1930. That is, not a handful of isolated incidents but very, very common. If a white woman in the South claimed that a black man had sexually violated her, she would be believed and the man in question would be lynched. This is part of why I find it so difficult to jump on the "believe women" bandwagon wholeheartedly. At the same time, it's important to note that black women are even less likely to be believed than white women when they bring accusations of rape and/or sexual assault. The legacy of white men committing rape, sexual assault, and all manner of other bodily harm against black women is long, yet seldom seriously acknowledged. I guess what I mean to say is that I sometimes fear that slogans like "believe women" strips this conversation of important context, thereby weakening its own credibility, and its ability to sincerely address the harms it claims to address. Support The Stranger More than ever, we depend on your support to help fund our coverage. Support local, independent media with a one-time or recurring donation. Thank you!

Okay, we're going to leave it there. I hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you back here on Monday!

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