Wednesday, September 19, 2012 at 11:52AM

Funemployment





Naked Guy leaned down, trying to urge as much speed out of his little scooter as possible. He was never a gentle rider or mechanically sympathetic either. He was always wringing the little screamer's neck and never bothered with maintenance until it became necessary. It's just he really needed all his steed could give him at this point with real cops blaring behind him and he hoped the mechanical gods would be kind. The stuttering and bucking underneath him made him curse he'd even let the possibility of mechanical failure cross his mind until he looked at the gas gauge and saw it was empty.

Naked Guy coasted across two lanes of honking, oncoming traffic with enough speed to need the brakes as he pulled into a gas station and stopped at the pump. He heaved himself off the scooter which bounced merrily to full height and cast a panicked look to the two cop cars that hurtled off the street into the gas station and parked a cautious distance away. Naked Guy turned to the gas pump and as was his habit, patted his pants for his wallet before realizing, he had no pants.

Officer Benjamin and Angeline got out of their squad car as the other squad car's door opened revealing Officer Jones and Officer Chang who drew their guns and took cover behind their open doors.

Officer Benjamin waved the guys down. "Put the iron away boys."

The two new officers looked at each other until Officer Angeline, "He's naked guys, seriously. Stand down."

The two new ones slowly relaxed, holstered their guns and warily ambled towards Officer Benjamin who was making a big show of taking off his gun belt.

"Easy big boy, easy."

"What's going on Ben?" Officer Jones queried, keeping a hand on his holster.

Officer Benjamin handed his gun belt to his partner Angeline and with a soothing voice and arms outstretched in a non-threatening manner, "Just helping our little friend here."

"I thought we were chasing this asshole." Officer Chang saw Naked Guy's wallet search become more frantic.

Officer Benjamin kept his eyes on the nude rider, "Think about it boys, with all the city budget cuts..."

"Three day weeks..." added Officer Angeline.

"Furloughs and cut benefits..." Officer Benjamin slowly reached into his pocket and pulled a credit card from his wallet making sure to emphasize his movements enough to calm the big man. "Easy, easy, I'm just gonna..."

Naked Guy warily moved away from the pump to the front of the scooter giving the plastic bearing cop a clean shot at the gas pump where he swiped the card and punched some numbers on the keypad before retreating slowly and with a friendly smile motioning the big man towards the gas pump.

"Go on buddy, all yours. I figure a five or six buck investment should easily buy us some OT."

Naked Guy leapt into action, grabbed the gas pump and started refueling the scooter as he kept a cautious eye on the peace officers.

"And I haven't had OT since they buried Michael Jackson." Officer Benjamin continued.

"Think he's hungry?" offered Officer Angeline pulling the hat off her head.

"Good point, pass the hat."

She put a couple of bucks in the hat and extended it to Chang and Jones. "Pony up boys."

Officer Jones didn't budge. "This seems a little..."

"Unorthodox." Chang too stayed put.

"Yeah well, hurry up before the press gets here," Benjamin tossed over his shoulder, still keeping an eye on the big man.

Angeline cocked her ear to the sky as she shook her hat. "That a copter I hear?"

Chang and Jones soon had bills in the hat and Officer Angeline stepped forward extending the bills in her fingers.

"Here boy, you hungry? Hungry?"

She averted her eyes as much as her training allowed but she still jumped a bit when he snatched the bills from her and ran inside the convenience store scattering screaming patrons as he savagely yelled his way around the store for snacks and drinks leaving the wad of cash on the counter first so the cashier wouldn't hinder his progress. Patrons scrambled about in a chaotic swarm to avoid the very vocal naked man but before they knew it, the leviathan was out the door in a fleshy flash and they watched through smart phone screens as he hopped on his scooter and tore onto the street just as a news helicopter arrived and joined in the police chase merriment.





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