UK Brexit paper proposes ‘magic’ Irish border staffed by fairies

The UK Government wants to implement a post-Brexit magic border between Ireland and Northern Ireland and staff it by local fairies.

The border proposal is part of a position paper issued by the Government as part of EU negotiations and will come as a surprise to the few people left who didn’t think David Davis and his Brexit team lived in a fantasy land.

“It seems that the perfect compromise between a hard and soft border is a magic border,” said Mr Davis, who appeared to have been drinking heavily.

“We know that particular area of Ireland is replete with fairies, so it seems that they will be the perfect creatures to actually run the day-to-day business of the border.

“Our biggest concern, of course, is whether or not the fairies will be able handle a goblin invasion or not, but we think the fact that they can fly and have powers should give them the edge.”

Local people appear unenthusiastic about the plans.

“Well, no. No, I don’t support a magic border staffed by fairies,” said farmer Simon O’Williams.

“Largely because magic and fairies don’t f**king exist. What planet are these lunatics on? Do they realise they’re f**king with people’s lives here? Christ!”

However, despite local scepticism, Mr Davis seems determined to press on with his plans.

“Magic, fairies, borders, this Brexit thing is a piece of piss,” he exclaimed, before taking a swig from a can in a carrier bag and belching loudly.

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!