WASHINGTON—Knocking gingerly on the Oval Office door before poking her head into the president’s daily intelligence briefing Thursday morning, Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell meekly asked those in attendance if there was anything she could do to help stop ISIS, White House sources reported. “Hey, sorry to bother, I know you all have a lot on your plate, but I just wanted to check in with you guys to see if Interior could lend a hand on some of this ISIS stuff,” Jewell said in a soft tone of voice before offering the commander-in-chief, the director of national intelligence, and several high-ranking Defense Department officials unfettered use of the agency’s fish hatcheries and irrigation equipment, and pledging that she would put up signs in every national park urging visitors to stay vigilant if the president felt such a measure would be helpful in the fight against terror. “Not sure if you could use them or not, but if you need a trained geologist or a topographical map of any location in the U.S. in order to thwart a planned ISIS attack, we can definitely get them to you ASAP. And we’ve got a lot of those orange barrels filled with sand, too. Just letting you know that we’re here if you need us.” After she quietly slipped out of the meeting moments later, sources reported that Jewell silently berated herself for not mentioning the department’s large number of backhoes.

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