September 29, 2011

I woke up this morning, praying the sound of the oxygen machine would be gone. But it wasn’t. My father is so unbelievably strong, it is just crazy. At this point, it is awful because he doesn’t need to suffer anymore, but his body won’t give out. Considering what he has put it through his whole life, it doesn’t really surprise me that his body could withstand something as horrible as this for as long as he has. I woke up this morning crying again, its just the first thing that happens these days, there is no getting away from it. I feel guilt for praying that he is taken from us, but I also can’t stand to see him suffer. I just can’t. I don’t know how many more days I can take of this torture. I feel like I am in hell. I am so scared for him to be gone, but I am also so scared of seeing him like this. When I go in and say hello to him in between breathes, I can see him struggle to want to say something back and it kills me. It hurts worse than anything I could put into words, its really just torture. I don’t know if he wants me in there or not. Part of me feels like he is struggling because he doesn’t want me to see him like this, and other parts of me says he is struggling because he wishes he could tell me he loves me back. I don’t want to make him suffer anymore than he already is. No, he isn’t in pain anymore, but yes he could definitely still be in emotional anguish from seeing his family agonize over him. I will never know this answer and it kills me.

10:30pm

My father passed away this evening. My mom came running into her bedroom where I was on my computer and currently am in fact, and said it was over. That they couldn’t find a pulse. As devastated as I am about this whole ordeal, a part of me now understands how people can lose someone and be caught on camera the next day out doing their normal day to day activity. So many people would perceive this as a heartless act, as something that only a souless person could do, but when you watch someone suffer, the moment it is over you kind of just want to move on. At least I do. We’ve been sitting here for days, grieving, crying, begging for mercy, and now he is at peace. Part of me just wants to watch TV and zone out. Maybe thats just my father in me. We both really like to do that, zone out and watch tv.

One of the crazier parts of this experience is that only a few hours ago, I prayed out loud to please take him tonight. and whoever I was praying to listened.