Look forward to sleeping with your partner – or imagine they are someone else? Answer these questions to assess your intimate life

When was the last time you audited your sex life? Many of us go through life without really considering how much pleasure we’re getting. Or perhaps you worry that you’re not “doing it right” – not having enough, or being experimental enough, or “performing” well. You may also wonder if your partner (or partners) are satisfied with things, whether they’re wondering if sex might be better with someone else. This test, compiled by Relate’s counsellors, will help you think about the sex and intimacy in your life. If you’re not with a regular partner, you can consider these questions in relation to whoever you’re having sex with, or your last relationship.

1) The thought of sex with my partner makes me feel

A: Excited

B: OK

C: Anxious

2) When it comes to discussing our emotions, my partner and I ...

A: Are very open and communicative

B: Talk if there’s been a big fight

C: Don’t really talk about how we feel very often

3) My partner and I talk about sex ...

A: Fairly regularly

B: Only when we really need to

C: Never

4) I find sex with my partner ...

A: Very satisfying

B: Pretty satisfying

C: Not satisfying at all

5) Being naked in front of my partner makes me feel ...

A: Totally comfortable

B: A little uncomfortable

C: Very uncomfortable

6) We touch, kiss, hug and express physical affection ...

A: Very often

B: Sometimes

C: Rarely

7) Talking about sex makes me feel ...

A: Happy and relaxed

B: A little awkward

C: Embarrassed and ashamed

8) When it comes to how my partner feels about our sex life ...

A: I know they’re satisfied

B: I hope they’re mostly satisfied but I’m not sure

C: I don’t think they’re satisfied

9) During sex I feel ...

A: Great

B: Good, usually

C: Anxious and uncomfortable

10) Growing up, my parents and I talked about sex ...

A: Openly and regularly

B: Occasionally, but it would have been very uncomfortable

C: Never. No way!

11) When we argue, my partner and I can resolve it ...

A: Pretty easily

B: It really depends on the disagreement

C: We don’t really resolve fights

12) If my partner says they want to try something new sexually, I ...

A: Take an interest and talk it over

B: Feel a little awkward, and just hope I’ll like it

C: Feel immediately anxious and wonder what I’m doing wrong at the moment

13) When I feel dissatisfied about something in my sex life, I ...

A: Talk it through with my partner

B: Put up with it for as long as I can before eventually saying something

C: Hope the problem fixes itself

14) I feel emotionally close to my partner when I’m having sex ...

A: Yes

B: I’m not sure

C: No

15) I imagine sex with people outside of my relationship ...

A: Rarely

B: Sometimes

C: A lot

Answers: Mostly A

It sounds like you and your partner have a really healthy and positive sex life. You’re willing to be open about what you want from sex, and don’t find it too difficult to express this. You’re prepared to talk properly about any areas of difference and are able to negotiate around these.

You’re also intimate with each other more generally – being open with your emotions, comfortable in each other’s company and able to express affection. This helps you feel close. The key now is to maintain what you have – regular date nights can keep the relationship feeling special. Explore new things together, whether that’s sexually, in everyday life, or both. At the same time, be sure to have some of your own interests and time apart – a bit of separateness is no bad thing, and can increase desire.

Mostly B

While you’re mostly satisfied with your sex life, it sounds like sometimes you and your partner can feel a little disconnected.

Maybe there are things that you’d like to change, but you aren’t sure how to start the conversation. Perhaps you feel awkward about it, or are worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Likewise, it sounds like there’s a bit of an emotional gap between you and your partner. Maybe you’re open with your emotions on the whole, but perhaps you avoid certain topics, such as satisfaction.

It’s not uncommon to find yourself in this kind of “in between” state – you’re not exactly unhappy, but there’s room for improvement. You may find it useful to sit down and begin try to talk things through together. This can feel intimidating, but you may be surprised by how much tension is relieved by simply making this first step. Consider making “I feel” statements: “I feel sad”, “I feel lost”, “I feel frustrated”. Doing this puts the focus on your emotions, so what you’re saying is less likely to make your partner feel defensive. Giving your partner a massage after a long day will help you both to relax and increase intimacy.

If you feel like you could use a little help, then counselling can have some really great results. Where there is a specific sexual problem, you may also benefit from sex therapy.

Mostly C

It sounds like there’s a real distance between you and your partner, both sexually and emotionally. Maybe you feel unable to talk about sex openly. Perhaps trying makes you feel extremely awkward, or you worry you’re going to feel rejected if your partner says they aren’t satisfied.

Perhaps even the thought of sex makes you anxious. You may have got into the habit of thinking of it as a “performance” that might easily go wrong – or even a burden that you have to endure.

It also sounds like you’re keeping your emotions bottled up, or getting into fights whenever there’s a disagreement. Perhaps things have got to the point where you feel generally uncomfortable around each other – where day-to-day tensions make life difficult and stressful.

Sitting down to talk problems through can feel very intimidating but it’s likely you’ll find it very hard to enjoy a good sex life, or indeed a good relationship at all, until you’re able to communicate. Time and place can be really important. It’s not a good idea to bring things up when you’re already having an argument. It’s better to set aside a time when you’re both feeling relaxed.

Sometimes doing something where you have to work together as a team, such as cooking a meal or tackling some DIY, can engender a real sense of togetherness. Gently build on your intimacy by holding your partner’s hand when you go for a walk, or kissing them when you leave the house.

And if you feel like you could use a little help, then counselling can have some really great results. A relationship counsellor won’t take sides or tell you what to do – they’ll simply help to facilitate a proper discussion where you can both speak, and both be heard.

You can find a Relate relationship counsellor near you by searching online