Gary Chips is in a relationship.

I’ve recently met a wonderful lady. I cuss in front of her. I respond to her questions with “fuck you.” She laughs when I holler at her. Good thing she thinks that I’m joking.

I’ve been single for a while, so there are some things I have to get used to. For instance, I have to get used to speaking when there’s someone else in the room. Not everyone wants to hear about how smelly my urine is. A million questions zip through my mind when she’s around. Does she fucking like chips? Is she going to turn out to be a fucking idiot? Does she like getting fingered? If so, how many fingies do I shove in her? FUCK! so many variables.

Also, there are other things I have to get used to… I’ll have to change my habits. Instead of using my hand to masturbate, I’m going to have to use her vagina. I suppose that’s something she’ll have to get used to. Instead of making sandwiches for Stargate characters, I’m going to have to make sandwiches for someone who will actually eat them. Teal'c was getting sick of paninis anyway (look it up, you piece of shit.) It takes a special lady to handle me, I know I’m a fuckface. So when i find that certain lady, I better drug her or find a way to keep her interested.

The Mighty Avocado comes to mind when I think of my relationship to the mysterious human female. Some of them think that they’re only for Mexicans. Some of them see them at Dewitt Wegman’s and walk right by. Some of them have heard of how tasty they are, but are scared to try them. Maybe it’s the dark, green skin. And then, there are those who are brave enough to slice into the noble fruit, excavate the “alligator pear” seed and delve into the delicious, mushy green flesh. Its fucking delicious. It’s salty, bold, fatty and will stripe you like a parking lot if you give it a chance. Let that magical fruit get inside of you.

Females, stop being fucking idiots. All of you have been walking right by the avocado. Grab the Mighty Avocado thats itching to get into your basket and fucking slice into it. Don’t walk by it, you’re not getting any younger. It’s sure to fucking surprise you, fill you with an unforgettable flavor and completely enamor you.

What did this have to do with chips, you ask? Fuck You.

Chips,

Gary