The days just keep getting worse. Al surprised us with another big mess when he awoke. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked any longer, this is now three days in a row. You know what I am talking about. The brown package, and no, it isn’t delivered in the mail.

Al is getting a little mean. He told the shower girl and caregiver to get out of his room. He told everyone who visited with him that they just come and leave; that no one stays. He moaned a lot in pain. He didn’t sleep today much.

I have made many comments about Al’s medicines. I feel like I should spend a few minutes talking about them. I am sure it is no secret that Al is on the stronger medications. But with Al, he has brain damage, so medications do not do the job they are intended to do. Instead any of those feel-good meds make him wired and wide-awake.

He can cuss and scream, stay awake, be hateful. Many types of medications have been tried with success until you start giving higher doses. Al seems to do fine with a new prescription. Then it happens; he becomes immune quickly and the physicians raise the dose. This is when everything goes hay-wire and we are back at the blackboard again.

The nurses are frustrated and no one seems to know what to do next. Meanwhile I have this sick guy in pain. There has to be a medication somewhere in the middle. If you have ideas or want to talk to me about any of this topic, you can find me at tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com I am also on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/terry.shepherd1

He was finally given an irrigation with a numbing agent in it for his tissue tear. I hope this works as he has complained of a stinging feeling. He says he hurts all over. It just really rips my heart apart and I find myself looking to the heavens and asking, ” Why, why wait?”

This evening it is quiet. The nurse has gone home. The caregiver has left. Her two bosses were here today and they are gone, and now Al is sleeping. For how long I do not know, but I am grateful. Asleep means feeling no pain.

He cries to me, ” How do I get to heaven? I can’t get there. I feel like I am in jail. Why is God not answering me?” He states many times he wants to die. I can’t say that I blame him. If I felt like he did and was in a bed 24/7 I may want to die also. We fight sores on his body from him laying there so much.

He eats a few bites at meals. He takes very little water, and yet he remains to suffer. Hospice mentioned that maybe one reason Al didn’t sleep today is because there were too many people here.

Maybe she has a point, I am not sure. I will change things around the next time there are more than one person here. One visitor at a time. If the Hospice nurse is here, then there will be her and me or the caregiver and no one else.

Bathing will have to go back to two bathing. If there is something to this; I will do what I can to help make things calmer for him. I am sure visitors will understand. Al tries to talk but gets frustrated. This causes tremors to speed-up and then leads to tears and anger.

Maybe what Al needs now is peace. He hates any light. He says he can’t see very well anymore. Maybe his peace will be more darkness with the light of the TV on and one visitor per room for a few minutes.

I have decided to test this starting tonight. I will take good care of him and then tell him I love him. I will wait to see if he ask for anything and then I will leave the room. I never wanted Al to feel like I didn’t care. I am sure that is the way others feel also.

Guilt for myself can be a heavy load. Satisfying my own needs of making Al feel this way or that may actually be doing more harm than good. So I will try to limit the amount of time. I know that I fed him some yogurt for supper. I gave him his medications and a syringe full of water. I told him I loved him. I waited for him to say anything, then I left the room. I just got up and checked on him and he is sleeping.

Heaven from what I have heard is a peaceful setting and maybe I and anyone who visits can help him to get this wonderful feeling right here in his own room. The Pastor dropped by earlier and made a comment to Al that brought that one smile to Al’s face. He said, ” Al, one of these days you won’t be looking at all your cars in their boxes. You will be driving them.” Al brought a tear to his eye but there was that one smile.