TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported. “One second I was having a pleasant round of beers with friends, and the next we were surrounded on all sides by these frightening women in identical pink and white regalia who were wildly waving their feather boas in our faces—it all happened so fast,” said visibly traumatized customer Lee Gangridge, who reportedly hid in a corner booth as over a dozen young stiletto-clad women sporting the same glittery sashes, phallic plastic necklaces, and sparkling tiaras seized control of the entire line of barstools. “One of them was clearly their leader—she was wearing all white and had a pink tulle veil clipped into her hair to signify her rank. And when her favorite song came over the speakers, she signaled her approval to her subjects, and they all started shrieking in compliance. They started to become more forceful and unpredictable after their tequila shots arrived, at which point I knew I had to take a chance and try to slip past them and escape out the back door.” At press time, the jubilant horde had reportedly taken the establishment’s bartender hostage, forcing him to pose in humiliating photos with the entire group.


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