WASHINGTON, D.C.—All three of the remaining presidential candidates got the prime speaking slots Monday night at the annual AIPAC policy conference, to which we were not invited, alas, although that seems to have been somewhat epidemic. But any chance we get to hear Paul Ryan, the zombie-eyed granny starver from the state of Wisconsin, talk about foreign policy, the area in which Joe Biden literally laughed him out of the campaign in 2012, is one that we never should pass up. (Remember when Ryan explained to us that, in Afghanistan, it snows during the winter? Gravitas!) Of all the barefaced pandering that went on yesterday, and Hillary Rodham Clinton was singing in tune Monday afternoon, the face of Ryan's pandering was the barest of all, and not just because he's lost the scruff he was cultivating a few months back. This was a guy doing more than rattling the saber. He was swinging it around his head until the air whistled. And, yes, this was a guy who's still thinking about being president, no matter how many non-facts he burbles out on the topic to various interviewers.

And, yes, on foreign policy, as is the case on economic policy, which I will continue to let Professor Krugman handle, Paul Ryan remains one of the biggest fakes we ever have seen. Let us begin and see where he leads us.

"To me, it is a lesson of history. For many years, we avoided what Thomas Jefferson called 'entangling alliances,' We were not as strong a country back then. And the great powers wanted to use us for their own purposes. There was no reason for us to play the pawn in their chess game. So we stayed out. That all changed in World War II. We learned the hard way that even if you don't go looking for trouble, it has a way of finding you."

Somehow, World War I, in which we certainly entangled ourselves in alliances, seems to have slipped Ryan's mind. Also, this formulation neatly elides the fact that the United States had been acting on its own, and quite imperialistically, for more than a half-century before Pearl Harbor. Probably because he wants to get to the Nazis and the Communists as quickly as possible, Ryan is trying to equate avoiding entangling alliances with isolationism. History shows that both can lead to the same bad ends.

"After the war was over, a new threat emerged: an aggressive and expansionist Soviet Union. The Soviets were setting up puppet regimes in Eastern Europe. They were aiming missiles at our friends in Western Europe. They were on the march in Asia and Africa and South America. And so we faced a choice. Either we could withdraw from the world, arm ourselves to the teeth, and make ourselves into a garrison state. Or we could pursue a forward-leaning defense. Create a community of free nations. Keep open the lanes of commerce. Build institutions that would foster cooperation. And that's exactly what we did."

And we overthrew elected governments willy-nilly, from Iran to Guatemala to Chile, and we killed countless millions of Asian peasants. And among the free nations with whom we were in community were Nicaragua under the Somozas and South Africa under apartheid. We continue.

"The threats are very different now. North Korea thumbs its nose at the world as it plays with its nuclear weapons. Iran openly backs tyrants and funds terrorist groups as it jockeys for dominance in the Middle East. An emboldened Russia is only too happy to try to reclaim its neighbors as client states. And with the rise of ISIS, an even deadlier strain of Islamist extremism has taken hold. Once again we face an aggressive militant ideology—with an assist from a gang of rogue states. And why is our relationship with Israel so important? Because in the fight against terrorism and proliferation, our interests are one and the same. For the terrorists, Israel is the first target, and we are the ultimate one. That's because we share the same values.

Yeah, he's running.

"Israel, like us, is a liberal democracy in a sea of authoritarian regimes. So when America helps Israel, both countries become stronger. Both countries are protecting our way of life.

Wait, whoa. The United States is "a liberal democracy in a sea of authoritarian regimes"? Why does Paul Ryan hate Canada so much? Or the U.K.? Or Ireland? Or the Finns, the Danes, the Swedes and the Norwegians? What is this man talking about? He's talking about delegates from Florida, is what he's talking about.

And so I want to leave you with this: I think we need to build a confident America. And the way I see it, a confident America does not shirk our commitments or shunt aside our allies. "A confident America does not distance itself from Israel or cozy up to Iran. A confident America keeps its word. It stands by our allies. It stands by Israel. Because that is what will keep the peace. That is what will keep us safe. That is what both of our countries need to thrive. "I know I just threw a lot at you. And you probably are thinking, 'What does a guy from Janesville, Wisconsin care about Israel?' But before I leave, I just wanted to say that there's actually a vibrant Jewish community in my state. And it's one that I'm very proud of.

Some of his best friends, you know…

Yeah, he's running. By not running, but he's running.

Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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