Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Another Long Day Of Deciding What People Should Believe

MENLO PARK, CA—Giving his arms and legs a nice little stretch while reclining in his office chair Tuesday afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, confirmed that he had successfully completed another long day of deciding what people around the world should believe.

“We’ve got over two billion users now, so it’s never been more important to show them only what we want them to see, while throttling to death of all content that we don’t think they should be consuming for whatever reason,” the Facebook chief said. “My days are longer than ever.”

The tech titan, worth $71 billion, went on to describe the weight that comes along with being the arbiter of moral fitness and objective truth, able to make or break nearly any website on the internet by lowering the organic reach of their posts or outright banning them, based upon Facebook’s opinion of the views expressed in their content.

“It’s hard work, dictating which worldviews are acceptable and which are not. But someone has to do it,” he said. “We can’t just let people consume whatever they want.”

At publishing time, Zuckerberg confirmed that he was smothering the reach of this very article.

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