CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Far-right Liberal Senator James Paterson has today diagnosed himself with a rare form of chronic pain ranging from mild to debilitatingly ouchie.

This comes has Iran claims responsibility for more than a dozen ballistic missiles that were fired at two Iraqi military bases hosting US troops, the Pentagon confirmed.

The missiles targeted the Ain al-Assad base in Anbar province and a facility near Erbil’s airport in northern Iraq early on Wednesday morning; they were fired in retaliation for the killing of top Iranian commander Qassem Soleimani by the US, Iran said.

This news has left almost every Australian under the age of 35 increasingly nervous, as Prime Minister Morrison makes it resoundingly clear that our country and the USA ‘are great mates’.

As American oil interests continue to govern foreign policy for the White House and all of their allied nations, the prospect of a Vietnam-style draft isn’t even that crazy to think about – given the fact that we are watching a potential world war unfold as egotistically world leaders trade barbs on Twitter.

However, as the only able-bodied federal politician young enough to be conscripted for military service, Senator James Paterson has also spent a lot of time thinking about how he would handle himself in the fog of war.

As someone who openly admits to helping oust that cocky self-made small-L Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull – Paterson is now stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Does he continue showing loyalty to Morrison and follow him into a war under the request of his Pentecostal idols in America, or does he oppose further destabilishing the Middle East like a normal person his age would

Unfortunately for Paterson, and thousands of Tarocash-wearing Young Liberals, these dark thoughts are being overshadowed by their coincidental battles with shin splints and bone spurs.

“Ahhhh!” he groaned, while massaging his pale private school boy feet in his Canberra office today.

“My ankles cane!!”

“Stupid bone spurs, I’m probably not even going to be able to play squash this Thursday. Let alone go to war with all the rural working class kids!”

“Dammit!”