1.Please ensure, before attempting to put me to sleep, that you have read the following book: I Can Moo, Too. I will accept no substitutes, be they The Gruffalo, Aliens Love Underpants or any of the Meg and Mog Ouvre. The fact that you have read this book to me every night, for the last 112 nights is of little interest to me.

2. Please ensure that there are the following items in my bed: 16 assorted cuddly teddies/babies/dolls; one large Peppa Pig; one small Peppa Pig. Please place large Peppa Pig at the base of my cot, and place small Peppa Pig adjacent to my body. Failure to do this will result in lots, and lots of noise.

3. I will also require you to place my slippers next to my head. Please ensure that the slippers are next to each other, and that they face the door. Do not place them any other way, or there will be a repeat of the incident from the 3rd of April.

4. Don’t forget to put the light on. No, I don’t mean the landing light, I mean the small light in my room that effectively makes it daytime, 2.30pm on a sunny day in here. I don’t care, put it on or listen to me howl. Oh and this whole ‘carbon footprint’ business you keep talking about? I’m 2 years old, I don’t understand.

5. I will need to turn the little lights on, on my Playmobil Christmas tree. I know that is now four months since Christmas but I don’t care. I also don’t care that you have now replaced the batteries in said tree four times. I am not beholden to you, or the accurate usage of traditionally festive toys.

6. I will require fresh socks on. I do not care if the socks I am wearing are perfectly fine. Nor do I care if I have only been wearing them for 30 minutes prior to entering the cot. I WILL REQUIRE FRESH SOCKS. Don’t make me repeat myself.

7. You appear to have closed my door too much. I require the door to be open at a 78 degree angle. If you cannot see 85% of my cot and my face, then you are doing it wrong.

8. I may say ‘Night Night’ up to 18 times. Failure to respond to me every time I say this will be looked upon very dimly indeed.

Do not attempt to understand me, just obey me.