The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Sweet 16 – 8 LSU 78, 5 Butler 68

With 1:05 remaining on the clock, Javonte Smart delivered the dagger.

His triple from the top of the key put the Tigers up eight, officially unofficially giving them the win that would eventually come, 78-68, over Butler in the Reddit March Madness Sweet 16 to move on to their first Elite Eight since 2006.

“I just felt something come over me,” he explained, jubilantly. “I felt something mighty, something powerful. I felt an internal phone ringing in my head, and so I answered it. I knew right then and there that that was the Lord, and when the Lord calls, you answer the phone. “So I picked it up, and I said, ‘Hello, Lord,’ because I already knew it was the Lord. And it was the Lord, so he laughed about me already knowing it was him before I picked up, and I didn’t even look at the caller ID, honest. So then he told me, ‘Javonte Smart, when you get this ball, if you have some space, you let that puppy fly.’ So I told him, ‘I will make space, Lord, and a canine will lift off.’ “And that’s what I did, y’all. I let the Lord’s light guide me on the righteous path, and I took that righteousness right to the dagger to send Butler to its bloody grave.”

LSU forward Emmitt Williams (5) sets the worst screen in the history of basketball.

While Javonte Smart had 17 points and the nail in the coffin, Skylar Mays was the biggest reason for the LSU victory. He had 30 points on 12-of-27 shooting, including a 5-of-10 mark from deep, as he claimed the Player of the Game distinction.

“We couldn’t have done it tonight without Skylar,” LSU head coach Will Wade said through his thin, untrustworthy lips. “He knows how important he is to this franchise.”

Mays is in the final year of his contract with the Tigers, and he has aged out of college basketball, meaning he is ineligible to sign a new one. He has been a major part of this program’s progress, and he said he wishes he could sign another deal to remain in Baton Rouge after this run.

“This place means so much to me,” said the Baton Rouge native. “I would do anything to come back for even just one more shot after this one, even on a hometown discount. To go out with a national championship and cash in on that bonus would be pretty sweet, though.”

Butler head coach LaVall Jordan has been nothing short of a miracle for me during this tournament. He has been the beacon of light that has guided me through all difficult times in my life and the balancing, fatherly figure who kept me level headed when the bounty was plenty. It is with great struggle and sorrow that I inform you of his departure from these championships.

“There, my child, this shall not be the end,” LaVall Jordan said as I looked up at him in admiration, then bowed my head in respect. “The strength is within you to continue, my son. I have given you all the tools. You know what you have to do.”

And with that, he slowly disappeared before my eyes, literally evaporating in thing air until he no longer existed in front of me.

I entered a state of panic, completely and utterly terrified of what I had just witnessed. This was all 10 minutes ago. I am frozen in my house, unsure of what to do. Do I call someone? Do I pretend this never happened? Would anyone believe me? Have I lost it?

UPDATE

I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia, and I’m good now. Thanks for your concern, guys. It’s just the work of a supernatural force beyond human comprehension that only shows itself to the most depraved and tortured beings on the planet earth in an attempt to heal, but once that person is considered to be nothing more than an empty husk of a once-illuminated soul that is beyond repair, it gives up.

So, I guess my outlook isn’t great, but at least we know Butler has something special going with LaVall Jordan. My, can that man inspire.

Javonte Smart and LSU will see No. 6 seed West Virginia in the Elite Eight on Monday at 8:15 p.m. EST in Detroit. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.