What Is Consent?

Consent is an agreement. It gives people agency and autonomy, or the capacity to choose what someone has the right, ability and power to do or decide. Sexual consent cannot be given if someone is incapacitated by substances, or coerced with persuasive language or an unbalanced social power dynamic, or in some states if an individual is under the age of 18. Asking for and giving consent is a means of educating others on how to treat us and listening for how others want to be treated.

Many teenagers don’t realize that sexting requires consent or that it can be a violation of trust and possibly the law. Unwelcome sexts may be experienced as sexual harassment and have negative psychological consequences.

Intense adolescent emotions and suppression of social interaction because of the pandemic create a charged environment where teens may make mistakes. Many won’t consider whether or not their behavior is illegal or potentially damaging years down the road; they are looking to find an outlet for sexual feelings and tensions right now.

Let Your Teen Be the Expert

My students have great advice for adults when it comes to these conversations: Stay away from judgment and shame, and talk up (versus down) to your kid. Avoid “why” questions that connote judgment, and stick with “how” and “what” questions that encourage reflection.

For example, rather than, “Why would anyone send nudes?” you might say, “I read that some adults are sexting more right now — do you think it’s the same with teenagers?” It is most effective to raise these issues in short discussions, and to scaffold this ongoing conversation over time rather than having one big talk.

Encourage Critical Thinking

Start with questions that will help teens assess the risk and anticipate the consequences of sexting. For example, “How come people sext?” “What would happen if you didn’t send a requested nude?” Help them problem-solve how to handle tricky virtual interactions by asking questions like, “What are some ways you can manage what’s going on?”

If you discover that your teen is engaged in sexting, remind them of the real-world consequences: “Would you want your teacher to see this? Your friend’s parent? Your coach?” Be clear with your teenager about your family values, expectations and potential consequences when it comes to sexting.