After 17 cans of energy drinks in seven days, I started to regret taking this assignment. It sounded innocent enough at first: buy as many energy drinks as I can find in my local grocery store, drink them as fast as I can without blowing out my kidneys, and write a review of the whole experience.

Before I give you the results, you should know that I’m qualified—a recovered Mountain Dew addict. For a few years in my late teens I had a two-liter per day habit. Fueled on sugar and caffeine, I practically peed yellow number five. It helped me stay awake to finish projects I had procrastinated on all semester and gave me the jolt I needed to take a test after getting a few hours of sleep. It helped me plow through late-night miles on road trips and was a constant companion in the passenger seat of whatever beater car I was driving.

I stopped drinking Mountain Dew during a half-decade conversion to vegetarianism. Like anything fun, energy drinks are best in moderation. Or at least, are best when they do not comprise 73% of your daily caloric intakes.

So it’s not a stretch to say I’m an energy drink aficionado—I’ve had more than a few cans of Red Bull, stayed awake through three days of Phish shows thanks to the Rockstar they were giving away, and bought Monsters to stay up for a 24 hour blogathon last year. All this aside, I make it through the day without caffeine and Taurine.

On a side note, did you know Taurine was first derived from bull bile? Sick, but fascinating. Yum.

After a visit to my doctor for medical clearance for this energy drink binge, I stopped at the two local grocery stores and bought one of every energy drink on the shelves—17 total. After I told the girl at the cash register that I was a writer doing a story on energy drinks she gave me an almost pitying, sympathetic smile. “What a terrible way to make a living,” her thoughts were almost audible.

I decided to include Mountain Dew and plain ole coffee as baseline measurements. I’m no coffee drinker and haven’t gotten past the point of actually enjoying the taste of it, so take that into account when looking at the one out of five I gave it for taste and drinkability.

Without further adieu, I present you with the Geeks Are Sexy Energydrinkaganza 2008 results. Many Bothans died to bring us this information, use it wisely.

Cup o’ Joe



Like I said, I’m not a fan of coffee. I never transitioned off of soda to java, so a cup of straight black coffee wasn’t easy to choke down. I can drink it all day long if it’s doctored with piles of sugar and barrels of cream, but the hard stuff was a struggle.

While the taste wasn’t my cup of tea, the buzz was great.

Coffee comes with the additional benefit of having no sugar and almost no calories, as long as you keep it black. If you need a consta-buzz and don’t want to pile on the pounds, a thermos of black coffee might be a good choice.

16 fl. oz.

3 Calories

0 grams of sugar

0 calories/fl. oz.

0 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

300 mg caffeine

Red Bull



The drink that started it all. Red Bull came to life back in the early 80s when Austrian entrepreneur Dietrick Mateschitz worked to adapt a Thai drink called Krating Daeng into what we now know as Red Bull. His million-dollar gamble paid off for him and his partner Chaleo Yoovidhya as they watched their drink build up a billion-dollar industry that it mostly controlled (half of the U.S. energy drink market and 80% in some countries).

King of Energy though it may be, I’ve never been a huge fan. It has that typical energy-drink taste twinge that always made it feel a little like it was work to get it down. I would never drink a Red Bull if it didn’t drop a hell of a buzz on me, so it got docked a few points for taste and drinkability. It has solid distribution channels, so what it lacks in taste it more than makes up for in availability.

8.3 fl. oz.

110 Calories

27 grams of sugar

13.25 calories/fl. oz.

3.25 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

50 mg of inositol, 1000 mg of taurine, 600 mg of glucuronolactone, vitamin B ? 20 mg of niacin, 5 mg of vitamin B6, 5 mg of pantothenic acid and 5 ?g of vitamin B12 ? and 80 mg of caffeine

Steaz Energy Organic Fuel



Steaz brings the green. Unfortunately, they forgot the energy. It’s not really fair to clump this in with the other drinks, it’s like comparing apples and really small apples. Steaz opts to the greener side of the ingredient market and pairs organic yerba mate extract with organic, fair-trade Ceylon green tea sweetened with organic evaporated cane juice.

The Steaz buzz is a mellower, lower-level buzz. There’s less edge, but there’s also less edge. You don’t drink Steaz to stay awake during an all nighter, you chug it down to perk yourself up during the afternoon sustainable-energy seminar.

Steaz is a good choice for the green set, but is best left out of the energy drink quiver of the hardcore energy drinkerati.

12 fl. oz.

135 Calories

34.5 grams of sugar

11.25 calories/fl. oz.

2.88 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

Guayaid organic yerba matte extract, organic Fair Trade Certified Ceylon green tea

Grape Nos



OMFFSMBBQ! Grape Nos is gooooooood. It tastes like heavenly grape liquid candy. I didn’t know what to expect out of this crazy purple bottle but was blown away on all counts—it was tasty, went down smoothly, and delivered a one-two knockout buzz punch. Grape Nos comes packed with a massive 334 mg of caffeine and I felt every milligram of it for hours after drinking my last sip.

Finding Grape Nos was worth every sleepless night and jittery meal experienced during the course of the Energydrinkaganza. I bought a few extra bottles and have them stocked up in the pantry. You know, for emergencies. Energy drink emergencies.

22 fl. oz.

302 Calories

74 grams of sugar

13.37 calories/fl. oz.

3.36 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

2750mg taurine, 550mg L-carnitine, 334 mg caffeine, 275mg inositol, 275mg panax ginseng and B vitamins.

No Fear Super Energy



Two words- liquid lollypop. This energy drink was sweet, maybe even too sweet. The first few sips were cloying with overly sharp strawberry flavors set against a good level of carbonation. This stuff came in tied for first in most calories and grams of sugar per fluid ounce (in an exact tie with the other SoBe-created drink; same base with different artificial flavors?).

No Fear Super Energy delivered the buzz with a full aresenal of Taurine, Inositol, Caffeine, Panax Ginseng Extract, Guarana, L-Carnitine, L-Arginine, and Vitamin B12. I was in a nicely sharpened state of mind and body for a few hours after the last sip.

16 fl. oz.

260 Calories

66 grams of sugar

16.25 calories/fl. oz.

4.13 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

2000 mg Taurine, 50 mg of L-Carnitine, 152 mg of caffeine, 100 mg of Panax Ginseng Extract, 20 mg of L-Arginine, 200 mg of Inositol, 50 mg of Grape Seed Extract,

Rockstar Energy Drink



Good ol’ Rockstar. I drank my first can of Rockstar in the middle of a muddy field during the last Phish shows in Coventry, Vermont. I stumbled to the Rockstar tent after not having anything to drink for five hours and gratefully chugged down the free sample cans they were handing out. It rehydrated me, pumped me full of buzz, and gave me the energy to head back into the sea of dirty hippies for the second set.

Rockstar goes down easy. It has a not-too-sweet citrus tang that bubbles down your throat, delivering 160 mg of caffeine in a 16oz can. It ranked at the top for both calories and grams of sugar per fluid ounce; healthy it is not.

16 fl. oz.

280 Calories

62 grams of sugar

17.5 calories/fl. oz.

3.88 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

160mg caffeine, 2000mg taurine, 50mg inositol, 50mg guarana, 300mg ginko biloba, 50mg ginseng, 40mg milk thistle and B vitamins

Rockstar R Juiced, Energy + Juice



Rockstar knows energy drinks. This extension includes a Pomegranate and Guava flavor—my local store stocks Original + Juice, which ends up being a tasty orange brew. It has just the right amount of carbonation and delivers a strong and steady heady buzz.

Energy + Juice is actually 50% juice, which definitely sounds healthy. Juice has sugar and can be nearly as empty a calorie as a sugar-sweetened soda, but it’s a nice psychological boost to think you’re doing your body a favor by drinking something healthy. That’s natural, right? Right?

16 fl. oz.

180 Calories

42 grams of sugar

11.25 calories/fl. oz.

2.63 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

160mg caffeine, 2000mg taurine, 50mg inositol, 50mg guarana, 300mg ginko biloba, 50mg ginseng, 40mg milk thistle and B vitamins

Lost Five-O



Lost Five-O is a great pick for those watching their sugar and calorie intake. It’s 50% juice and is one of the lowest on the list in terms of calories and grams of sugar per fluid ounce. The orange flavored Lost Five-O has a slight hint of that energy drink taste twinge. It tastes kind of like a mutated Orangina left out in the sun for a day.

The buzz was good, but nothing to write home about. I cracked my can of Lost Five-O in the morning to start day four and ended up petering out an hour or so before lunch. The can helped get the buzz rolling with its graphics—it looks like a semi-talented high school artist hopped up on goofballs was let loose in Photoshop—stuck on spray paint.

16 fl. oz.

140 Calories

32 grams of sugar

8.75 calories/fl. oz.

2 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

1000 mg Taurine, 2500mg of Energy Blend made up of Glucose, Glucuronolactone, Panax Ginseng, Caffeine, L-Carnitine, Guarana, Maltrodextrin

Moxie Citrus



I have to admit that I was a little scared to crack this one open. My previous experiences with Moxie was limited to single sips of old-school Moxie punctuated with involuntary spit takes. Old-school Moxie tastes terrible. I was encouraged by the “citrus” part of this new Moxie extension though, and bravely cracked it open. The first sip was good. So was the second and third. Moxie Citrus is really good. It has none of the energy drink taste twinge and all of the drinkability of a Sprite.

Citrus Moxie has a pleasantly bland citrus flavor, like Mountain Dew without the sharp tang. It dropped a mountain of buzz on me—I got a lot of wood chopping done in the few hours after finishing my Moxie Citrus. Five out of five all around, another one to stock up on.

22 fl. oz.

302 Calories

74 grams of sugar

13.37 calories/fl. oz.

3.36 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

1000 mg Taurine, 25 mg of L-Carnitine, 80 mg of caffeine, 25 mg of Panax Ginseng Extract,

Full Throttle Fury (Orange)



If you like Orange Crush you’ll dig Full Throttle Orange. I enjoyed drinking this tall can of orange nectar from first sip to last. Full Throttle Orange comes with all the standard Energy Drink add-ons; Guarana, Taurine, Carnitine, and Ginseng and a healthy (and by healthy, I mean unhealthy) 57 grams of sugar in a 16 ounce can.

The only thing Full Throttle didn’t drive home was a buzz. I don’t know what it was, but I started feeling post-buzz sleepy after only a couple of hours. This was toward the end of the Energydrinkaganza, so it could have just been the sleepless nights talking.

Anyway you cut it, Full Throttle Orange delivers. It’s not perfect, but it does the trick.

22 fl. oz.

220 Calories

57 grams of sugar

13.75 calories/fl. oz.

3.56 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

141 mg Caffeine, Guarana, Taurine, Carnitine, Ginseng, Sugar

SoBe Energy Glass Bottle



It was a little hard to take this seriously as an energy drink. It was sold in the aisle with the other SoBe bottles and has an anemic level of caffeine for an energy drink. It leveled an equally anemic buzz on rounded out by a fairly tasty flavor.

This drink isn’t a bad choice if you run into it at a gas station that doesn’t carry anything else or if you have a low tolerance for caffeine.

22 fl. oz.

302 Calories

74 grams of sugar

13.37 calories/fl. oz.

3.36 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

80 mg of Caffeine, Guarana, Ginseng, Taurine

Max Velocity Uncaged



Max Velocity would have lost a few points if I were grading the can. It’s not pretty. I could easily go as far as to say it’s ugly. Luckily for me, I thought it tasted pretty damn good, so we’ll ignore the Albertsons corporate-designed graphic.

Max Velocity tastes good and goes down smooth. The buzz is good but lacking in the fullness of a Rockstar or a Monster, probably due to Albertsons going cheap on ingredients and only including Taurine and Caffeine. The 62 grams of sugar and caffeine punched in and gave me a few hour buzz with a not-too-bad come down.

16 fl. oz.

240 Calories

62 grams of sugar

15 calories/fl. oz.

3.88 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

Taurine, Caffeine (Amount of each not listed on can)

Monster Energy



Mmmm… Monster… I love Monster. It as a great citrus flavor that’s easy on the tongue and stomach. Monster is one of the original energy drinks that popped up after Red Bull first made their splash, so they’ve had time to refine their formula. It doesn’t have the same medicinal twinge that harsher energy drinks can have and gave me a good, active buzz.

Monster packs a good punch for the money and was especially good when I drank in poured over a tumbler of ice. The vodka that I added (it was the end of the day on a Friday) didn’t hurt, although it is recommended to never, ever mix energy drinks with alcohol. Another side note: did you know you could pour cheap vodka through a Brita Filter a few times and get top-shelf-quality booze out the end?

16 fl. oz.

200 Calories

54 grams of sugar

12.5 calories/fl. oz.

3.38 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

1000 mg of Taurine, 200 mg Panax Ginseng, 2500 mg of Energy Blend (L-Carnitine, Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Glucuronoloactone)

Monster Chai Hai



I like chai. I like energy drinks. I did NOT like the Monster chai energy drink. It was too heavy, too sweet, and just tasted… wrong. I couldn’t even get past the third sip and ended up pouring it out into the grass to the gods of Energy Drinks. I hope they liked it better than I did. Blech.

15 fl. oz.

180 Calories

26 grams of sugar

12 calories/fl. oz.

1.73 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

2500 mg Monster Energy blend (Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Maltodextrin, Glucuronoloactone, L-Carnitine)

Mountain Dew



What can I say? It’s Mountain Dew. It’s yellow, it’s sharp, and it’ll give you a kick in the pants buzz. Mountain Dew doesn’t have Taurine, Guarana, Ginseng, Ginko Biloba, or Inositol. What it does have is a crapload of high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine that delivers almost the same level kick of a Rock Star or a Moxie Citrus.

Step into the Dew and rock your old school credibility. Plus, if you drink enough, you’ll pee Mountain Dew color (I know this from firsthand experience).

20 fl. oz.

275 Calories

78 grams of sugar

13.75 calories/fl. oz.

3.9 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

80 mg of Caffeine, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Old School Extreme Cred

Amp Energy



When I call Amp Energy “watered down Mountain Dew,” I mean it in the nicest way. This stuff goes down easy with a lower level of carbonation and has a blandly citrus flavor. This was made by the Mountain Dew labs and feels like something someone put together from the Mountain Dew recipe over a weekend. It’s effective but a little vanilla.

They throw in a pinch of Taurine (20mg to No Fear’s 2,000mg) and Panax Ginseng so they can put “Taurine” on the can. The caffeine and high-fructose corn syrup made up for their stingy hand with Taurine, though—and kept me on a slightly edgy buzz for a few hours.

16 fl. oz.

220 Calories

58 grams of sugar

13.75 calories/fl. oz.

3.63 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

300 mg of Guarana Extract, 142 mg of Caffeine, 20 mg of Taurine, 20 mg of Panax Ginseng.

Amp Energy Overdrive Cherry



I’m a sucker for cherry sodas. I’m a lifelong patient of Dr. Pepper and would do more for Cherry Coke than a Klondike Bar, so it’s no surprise that I liked Amp Energy Overdrive.

I’m pretty sure the drink engineers at Amp just took a vat of regular Amp and poured in some cherry syrup. There’s nothing new here when you’re looking at the original Amp platform but that turned out to be just fine with me. Familiarity is comforting and Amp Overdrive works that angle for all she’s worth. If you like Amp and if you like cherry, you’re going to ninja flip out all over yourself for Amp Overdrive.

16 fl. oz.

220 Calories

58 grams of sugar

13.75 calories/fl. oz.

3.63 grams of sugar/fl. oz.

298 mg of Taurine, 248 mg of Guarana, 160 mg of Caffeine, 34 mg of Panax Ginseng, 16 mg of Yerba Mate Extract

Seventeen energy drinks, 3,945 calories, and 947.5 grams of sugar. Tens of thousands of milligrams of Taurine, Guarana, Ginseng, Caffeine, Milk Thistle, Inositol, and L-Carnitine. Hours of lost sleep and thousands of knee jitters. And one last sip of one last drink. Seven days of living like a graduate student writing his thesis all come to an end with one last sip.

With that, I close out the Geeks Are Sexy Energydrinkaganza 2008. I’m departing tomorrow morning for a small, exclusive health resort tucked in the Canadian Rockies to recover from the last week’s caffeine and sugar shock. I’ll spend my days doing yoga, receiving Ayurvedic cleansing treatments, hiking, and napping. Kiltak, you should get the bill at the end of the year. I’ll try to keep it to five digits.

Shea Gunther wishes he was born a ninja. He’s adjusted to that crushing twist of fate by spending too much time reading online news, twittering, and running his Tshirt company Meatspace Tees.