9 June 2014



These flags indicate the driver has a severe driving inability

New laws will require poor or inept drivers to indicate their lack of driving ability to other road users by attaching flags and various other symbols to their vehicles.

Ministers have called it the biggest shake up to transport law since Norman Tebbit legalised the bicycle.

In many cases, the Driving Inability Certification Kites (DICKs) will be attached to the front windows of cars, and will be elevated above the height of the vehicle to ensure that all nearby traffic is suitably notified of the danger that is present. The kites will commonly be a white flag with a red cross.

Patrick Mcloughlin, the Secretary of State for Transport, has outlined the new initiative in a press conference held today. "We don't think it is morally correct to deny people their right to drive, regardless of their apparent mental state, so we have developed this system to indicate those more likely to drive badly so others may avoid them. The more flags used; the greater the level of driving inability. Should you see a car festooned with several flags, you can safely assume that the driver suffers from a severe mental aberration, and should be given due care and attention. Radical measures will be necessary if we are to pursue our ambition of zero road deaths".

There may be other colours of flag to indicate other types of ineptitude, but the more prevalent types of fucktard will be displaying a standard white flag with a red cross.

This symbol will soon be attached to the back of many vehicles.

The AA has already waded in with its president saying: "There are many proposals in the report with merit such as regular drink drivers displaying the flag of three horizontal stripes of green, white and orange or those so obese they can barely drive made to display red and white stripes adorned with 50 stars. In addition, those suffering from induced disillusionment will be forced to attach a fish to the back of their cars, and only drive (very slowly) on Sundays. These ideas are supported by the AA. Road safety on the national curriculum is something we have long campaigned for, and I am pleased to see it being recommended here".

Andy Pike, Policy and Campaigns Officer at the Royal National Institute of the Blind people (RNIB) said: "Many disabled people in the UK rely on the Blue Badge scheme to be able to go shopping, take part in social activities, and live an independent life. With this new scheme we can also give the hopelessly retarded a way of identifying each other, integrating into regular society and generally help them try to live as normal a life as possible."

Chief Constable Suzette Davenport, of the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO), said: "Officers have found the new procedures helpful as they seek to raise standards of driving and keep road users safe."

A similar scheme was tried several years ago when problem driver's were required to display the flag of Millwall FC. While most drivers would avoid them, they found a large increase in collisions between problem drivers and drivers with learning difficulties who, at the time, were made to display West Ham style flags.

While the new scheme has not yet been fully approved for nationwide use, it is being piloted in some areas of the UK. Should you see a driver displaying warning flags, kites or symbols of any sort, be warned that their driving may be impaired, and so should be given particular attention as a potentially very dangerous road user.