It’s fair to say that Chelsea manager Antonio Conte’s introduction to the Premier League has been quite the eye-opener. His key £30m midfield holding man N’Golo Kanté appears to have lost the ability to run, while £34m central defender David Luiz’s most telling impact has been passing on some of his old circus tricks to Gary Cahill. What he really needs is his old pals Andrea Barzagli, Leonardo Bonucci and Giorgio Chiellini to come and form that familiar wall at Stamford Bridge for him. But it says here that that isn’t going to happen. So instead he’ll have to hope that Burnley’s Michael Keane is hot for a history lesson, particularly a 1950s-style schooling in catenaccio.

Apparently, £25m will free the Burnley defender from Sean Dyche’s grasp. But Conte won’t stop there. There is another blip appearing on the radar of the Chelsea manager – and it can be traced to Ben Davies at Tottenham Hotspur. The Italian will attempt to woo the Wales international down to south-west London by offering him loads of first-team football and the request to do the defensive duties of two people.

Another man who is desperate for defensive reinforcements is Slaven Bilic, who has three games to save his West Ham job, various newspapers are shouting. He needs a left back, due to Aaron Cresswell’s long-term knee injury and his replacement Arthur Masuaku’s apparent inability to use his feet instead of his hands in the penalty area. The 29-year-old free agent Kevin Constant can expect his phone to ring and a croaky voice to bark “help!” down the receiver in the coming days. He was last seen at Bologna in Serie A, where he made seven appearances in 2016.

Elsewhere in the shiny corridors of the happy-clappy London Stadium, contract talks with 17-year-old midfielder Reece Oxford have come to a shuddering halt and alarms have been set ringing at Old Trafford, where José Mourinho, a man famed for his ability to nurture young talent, may consider bolting the bright prospect on to a squad comprised of so many different ideas it could be confused with the Labour Party. Pep Guardiola may pip United to the teenager, however, and divert him to Manchester City where he’ll be taught how to play 100 passes inside 10 minutes.

Former USA manager Bob Bradley, who is currently overseeing Ligue 2 Le Havre, may be getting a call from Swansea’s Huw Jenkins with the request to sort it out.

And how is David Moyes going to fix the sorry mess at Sunderland? By signing 18-year-old Portuguese free agent Pedro Carneiro. That’s how.