Author's Notes:

Alright, I obviously don't own any of these people… nor mean them any disrespect… just for fun. I don't ACTUALLY think Alton Brown and Rachael Ray are having an affair… that would be weird.

But yes, I originally had this up on … as I felt it was rather fan fiction-y… but I guess not. You know… considering I was a FAN writing FICTION about people. They deleted it. SO, I figured I might as well try it out on here. Even though they're not original characters… where else am I supposed to put this if won't accept it.

I plan on writing more of these, out of my boredom. Unless a lot of people end up hating it. Then oh well.

Food Network Fan-Fiction: Installment #1 --- Good Meals

By Casey… Please don't sue me, Food Network

Rachael Ray had been slaving all day in her kitchen! Actually it was in under 30 minutes. Some say she has super powers. I just say she hauls ass. We all KNOW it would take the normal person at least 45 minutes to finish those things…

"I do NOT have a fat ass!" Rachael screamed, throwing a non-stick skillet across the room. "Damn that Giada from Everyday Italian! We all know that bitch is a robot! And her food is plastic that melts easily in the microwave! Gah!" She sank to her knees and sobbed robustly.

Rachael and Giada had been sworn enemies for years. But lately the skinny, far-too-charismatic-to-be-human evil-doer had teamed up with Michael Chiarello to thwart Rachael and her many television shows. Many had suspected that Bobby Flay and Tyler Florence were next, but no. We all know how cruel women and… men? are. Especially the hungry ones (Giada), and those so desperate to come out of the food pantry to the entirety of Food Network-land like Michael.

Previously that day, while passing one another at the studio, Giada had made several, hurtful comments to Rachael, saying that her ass was like a sack of wet laundry and that she caught her chugging extra virgin olive oil spiked with vodka in the ladies restroom.

Rachael continued sobbing, meanwhile eating sticks of butter for comfort. She had no friends in Food Network-land. Everyone always pried at her as to why SHE didn't have dinner guests on the show, while everyone else did.

"Michael Chiarello! I'll kick that flamer's ass, WHICH MINE IS NOT FAT!! No one can make a party that good, that fast! No one can beat me! I make 30-Minute Meals, dammit!" She said these hurtful things because it had been he who had made fun of her loneliness, noting that he ALWAYS had dinner guests (and so did Giada). She crawled over, grabbed the same skillet, and threw it in the opposite direction she had earlier, meanwhile cramming another stick of butter into her mouth. "I wouldn't even mind if someone used me… just for my delicious, low-carb recipes!" She choked out the words, gasping for air.

Just then, the light came on in her studio and she hurriedly wiped away the excess of butter forming around her lips.

"No! I'd never do a thing like that! I came here to announce my love for you, Rachael!" shouted the man who had suddenly burst onto the area where 30-Minutes Meals was shot.

"Alton Brown?!"

"Yes! It is I, Alton Brown!! I was at the Laundromat! While watching a woman walk away with a rather large sack of wet laundry, when I suddenly realized that I, Alton Brown (!), was madly in love with you!"

"Oh, Alton! I thought you'd never tell me such things! I watch your show everyday! I even have it set to record! Even though half the time I set it wrong and end up recording Seinfeld… but that doesn't matter! Because I st-- I mean… because I love you! And don't stalk you! Now Giada… I heard she's a stalker… her nickname's Celery for God's sake!" She stopped. "Alton… I have a question to ask you…"

They drew closer.

"Yes, my darling?"

"Do you…" She stumbled. "Do you think… that I have a fat ass?"

"No, no, no! You're gorgeous! Unlike that Everyday Italian bitch… ugh…"

They drew CLOSER!

(Ah! Tension! Run!)

"I love you, Rachael! But not as much as Miss Piggy! She's my hero you know… no one could ever replace her… But you come in at a close second!" shouted Alton.

"No one turns me on like you… especially in that one episode… where you dressed up as a cowboy…" said Rachael who does not have a fat ass.

"Not even… the episode… where I made DOUGHNUTS?!" He grabbed her, throwing her against the counter.

"Oh, God, Alton! MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS!!!"

"With the glaze?"

"Oh, God!!! The CHOCOLATE GLAZE!!"

All of a sudden Emeril burst into the room, "Looks like they're takin' it up a notch!"

"Takin' it up a notch?" asked Rachael, tearing herself away from Alton. "That's not nearly as catchy as 'BAM!' You disappoint me, Emeril… Julia Child is ashamed of you!!! She visits me in visions!"

Even though Rachael had to wake up early in the morning and start on her new show, Tasty Travels, she decided it wouldn't hurt to spend the night with Alton and do some tasty traveling of her own…

Tune in next time…