CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and now I’ve finally reached my apex,” a visibly satisfied Renaldi told reporters, recounting his tireless efforts in devising stratagems to incentivize the purchase of multiple game tiles while preventing customers from winning anything more than a free small fry or fountain drink. “I can go no further in my compiling of the rules and regulations of this sweepstakes; I believe no man can. I’ve thought of every eventuality, visualized every outcome—the terms, conditions, loopholes, and probabilities flow around and through each other in a beautiful pas de deux of legal exceptions. All that’s left to me is to bask in my own brilliance.” Renaldi confirmed that he intends to spend the balance of his career mocking the “obvious and pathetic” attempts to imitate his work by the legal team employed by Lay’s “Do Us A Flavor” contest.

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