ATLANTA, GA – Although all evidence pointed to the contrary, Mormon fundamentalist Christian Bliney insisted that he has “a total blast” going out to Hooty O’Hooligans pub with his atheistic friends, even though he never drinks booze and openly considers all of them alcoholics.

“We’re not alcoholics,” said Trish Neilson, one of his apparent friends. “Seriously. We’re all perfectly normal. Why is he always saying that?” She then rolled her eyes and positioned her body so that there was no possible way Christian could join in the conversation with anyone else in their group.

Mr. Bliney, of course, stands beside his drinking habits. “My religion states that I should abstain from drinking alcohol in order to preserve my ability to make good choices,” he said, pocketing the tip money Trish Neilson left on the bar. “I’m proudly Mormon, and can say that this is as good as it gets!”

Reporters were unsure as to whether or not he meant the statement literally, and didn’t have time to ask as the Mormon in question was busy air-cheersing the wall and attempting to down all 16 ounces of seltzer at once.