Some things are sacred, chief among them: booze. Don’t mess with our alcohol and no one gets hurt. Yet one intrepid bartender — namely Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, author of Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook — wants to add a little spunk to your cocktail.

According to the book’s tongue (among other things)-in-cheek description:

This is the ultimate handbook for mixologists looking for ingredients that go beyond exotic fruit juices and rare spirits. Driven by a commitment and passion for the freshly harvested ingredient, Semenology pushes the limits of classic bartending. Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and adds a personal touch to any cocktail. The connoisseur will appreciate learning how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavors of semen. The book provides useful tips that cover every detail of Semenology, from mixing and presentation to harvesting and storage advice.

“Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters…” How fresh are we talking here? Because from our experience, a sticky stool does not a Whole Foods make.

Now, it’s one thing to like the after product of sex, and another thing to like the thing that fuels the sex, but to mix both? You’ve gone too far internet. Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

In the meantime we’ll be trying to scrub the thought of this horrible mixture out of our heads and our clothes. But what do you think, dear reader? Are you ready to try a Cum and Coke? Or perhaps a Penis Colada. Or — wait for it — a Dong Island Iced Tea?