Despite its high-caliber journalism, The Onion has once again been snubbed by the body that awards the Pulitzer Prizes. Here’s what’s wrong with the Pulitzer Board:

A cabal of aging virgins whose only hope is a pity-lay from the sluts at The New York Times or The Philadelphia Inquirer

Too stupid to fully grasp implications of threats

Unwilling to acknowledge any publication not financially in the red

Board member Junot Díaz was rejected by The Onion three times in 1994, and this is his sick and twisted form of revenge

Extremely convoluted bribery requirements

Disrespects the work of The Onion’s brave war photographers due to prejudice against minors

Only able to get their withered old rocks off anymore by seeing the word “Katrina” written in a serifed font

Bunch of babies pooping in their baby diapers

Just not very good at their jobs