

It's not completely surprising that the Army wants to hire a band to tour its bases jn Afghanistan and Kuwait. The armed services get all kinds of folks, to entertain the troops. "But it's the way that they solicit for rock bands that makes the whole thing hilarious," Stephen Trimble notes.

First, a summary of what the Army is seeking:

Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band, group not to exceed seven people for tour of FOB's [forward operating bases] in Kuwait and Afghanistan for February 4-13 2008. The band should be an active rock band, with a music genre consisting of Southern Rock, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge and Hard Rock. At least one member of the band should be recognizable as a professional celebrity. Protective military equipment, such as kevlar, body armour, eye and ear protection will be provided when the group is travelling on military rotary or fixed wing aircraft.

Then, there's the highly-calibrated method the service will use to evaluate these Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band applicants. The contract will be awarded based on "Past Performance, Contractor Capability, Contractor's Experience, Celebrity Status of the Proposed Artists, and Price. Contractor Capability, Experience, and Price. The celebrity status of the proposed artist is slightly more important than these 3 combined, and all 4 combined are slightly more important than Price."

And how will each of these criteria be judged?

Let's look at "Factor 4, Celebrity Status of the Proposed Artists."

In other words, the bigger the name, the better the proposal. A Paris Hilton-fronted band wins out over, say, one from Kim Deal. K-Fed's new project trumps Wilco or Rancid.

Or does it? Let's examine "Factor 2, Contractor Capability."

Good luck, rockers. And remember:

*Any criminal conduct, unexcused tardiness or absence which prevents timely starting of the performance(s) required hereunder, indecency or obscenity, drunkenness, damage to Government property, failure to discharge indebtedness to the Government, influence of narcotics or hallucinatory drugs, threatening breach of national security, violation of the rules and regulations of the Host Nation, Government or TFF MWR are grounds for termination of this contract. *

No "forced on indentured child labor," and no "live animals," either. Hmmm, maybe Paris and K-Fed won't win out, after all.

UPDATE: The *Boing Boing *crowd is having a ball with this one: