(Newser) – Matt Taibbi gives Bank of America the "vampires squid" treatment today, savaging "the ultimate Too Big to Fail bank" as "a hypergluttonous ward of the state whose limitless criminal conspiracies we'll all be paying for until the end of time," in a lengthy Rolling Stone piece. "These guys are some of the very biggest assholes on Earth," systematically ripping off virtually everyone they do business with, Taibbi writes, "and on top of all that, they completely suck at banking." Among the many outrages he details:

Bank of America, and subsidiaries Countrywide and Merrill Lynch, "pioneered ways to sell their toxic pools of mortgages to suckers."

They conspired with other banks to rig municipal construction bids, "a mobster's crime, for which the accused used to do serious time," back when it was committed by "Eye-talians in gold chains instead of Ivy Leaguers in ties and Chanel glasses."

The bank has been charged with scams specifically targeting the disabled, minorities, and the poor. "Seriously, who hasn't this bank conspired to defraud? Puppies? One-eyed Sri Lankans?"

They often simply never pay required local fees—one Texas county alone estimates the bank owes it more than $100 million. "Think of that next time your county leaves a road unpaved."

"So what does the government do about a rogue firm like this, one that ... generally treats the law like its own personal urinal cake?" Bail it out, of course. The bank has availed itself of innumerable federal assistance programs, and it's still barely keeping itself afloat, as its many victims clamor for recompense. "The government remains creepily committed to their survival, like overindulgent parents who refuse to believe their 40-year-old live-at-home son could possibly be responsible for those dead hookers in the backyard." Read Taibbi's full piece here. (Read more Matt Taibbi stories.)

