I take it as a compliment whenever someone calls me ‘gay”. I’m not, which makes it even more of a compliment. I like that I don’t wear my heterosexuality so obviously on my sleeve. I’m not afraid to flop my wrists. I’m not afraid of any part of my body. If my wrists wanna get all floppy, who am I to stop them?

So, sometimes I come off gay. I think that’s fabulous, cause I’m not even trying. I don’t feel gay, happy, sometimes, but, never gay. It’s that whole having to be attracted to guys thing the gays got going on. But, hey, if it gets me to clean up my apartment, I’m willing to give gay a shot. I used to hate kimchi, now I think it tastes delicious.

To me, it’s funny, like, I hand out these stories of mine to strangers on the subway, and you get some weird and wonderful looks from people when you go up to them and say, “Do you want a short story?” A lot of people assume what I’m trying to hand them is religious propaganda. One guy asked me, “Is it some Christian thing?” I started laughing, cause there I am, on my way to Dave’s party, carrying a case of beer, offering him my story, “This Is About You” and he’s asking if it’s some Christian thing.

“Yeah, it’s a Christian thing. I’m trying to brainwash you to join my cult of Christ The Redeeming Wine Maker. You in? It’s a hell of a communion we throw. It’s not just a baby sip of wine, we’re talking kegger.”

You can choose your religion, but, not the people who attract you. We think we do, but, we don’t. We have no power over what turns us on, only the power to act on it, or, suppress it. I’ve heard many say they’re against homosexuals because, “It’s not natural. It’s a filthy choice to practise homosexuality.”

Practise. You think it’s practise? Really, so, do you think if you practise enough, you can make perfect? So, you could become the perfect homosexual, if, you just kept up a tight regimen of practise?

“Where you going with that helmet, Steve?”

“Got gay practise.”

“How’s it going?”

“Nearly there. I’m almost gay.”

“Well, keep practising!”

Really? You think it’s a choice? Like, all homosexuals at one time thought: What do I want to do today? Get a movie? No, I know! I’ll be gay!

So, do you remember the day you chose not to be gay? Remember that day? I do. It was Tuesday, June 2nd, 1991. I was in highschool, taking my Grade 11 Biology exam, and question four was: Are you or are you not homosexual? I circled: C) Not homosexual. I got that question right.