Nicholas Read, a dwarf actor who played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi and a goblin in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, recently admitted flashing his wiener at a college girl on a train, then snapping a picture of her reaction. He could receive jail time for his latest offense, as this was the second time he’s been caught doing something naughty on a train. Back in 2010, he received a 20-week suspended sentence for… wait for it… fondling himself underneath a juggler’s hat while sitting next to a 17-year-old girl.

Pint-sized actor Nicholas Read showed his manhood to a student as she travelled to Manchester. He then took a picture of her friend’s horrified reaction on his mobile phone.

It means he is now at risk of going to jail for the 20 weeks – in addition to any extra punishment for the most recent offence.

Read, of Cheadle, Staffs, is now barred from using the rail network except for the purposes of attending court or visiting his solicitor. [Sun]

I know, I know, you want to hear more about the juggler’s hat incident. I got you covered.

Read was arrested last October after ‘trapping’ his victim in a window seat on a train travelling between London and Leicester. The dwarf, 40, had drunk half a bottle of gin and was feeling ‘merry’.

I’m sorry for saying this, but this sounds like the most adorable sexual assault ever!

Speaking from behind a screen, his female victim sobbed as she told the court: ‘He placed his hat on his crotch. I saw a movement and I didn’t know whether to believe it.

‘I looked in the reflection of the window and saw his hand moving under the hat. He tried to catch my attention, tilting his hat up, looking at his crotch area and then looking at me a few times.’

Did he raise his eyebrows up and down lasciviously? That’s the way I imagine it.

The behaviour continued for between 30 and 40 minutes of the 55-minute journey to Leicester. It is understood that Read has recently been hiring himself out to stag parties, offering to be handcuffed to the stag while dressed as a diminutive fictional character such as a Smurf or Oompa-Loompa. [DailyMail]

Well sure. It’s nice work, if you can get it.

Now, I know this opinion isn’t going to win me any friends at the Take Back the Night Rally, but I think dwarves should get a special exemption from indecent exposure laws. If genetics have already forced you into the role of nature’s jester, you should be allowed to blow off steam by taking your wiener out and waving it around once in a while, it’s only fair. And besides, he’s four foot five. How threatening could he possibly be? Someone shoving a petition in my face outside a coffee shop, that’s assault. A dwarf helicoptering his pecker on the train? That’s just good comedy. I would’ve given him a nickel.