“Absolute bantha poodoo,” said Darth Maul after reading his DNA test results early Thursday. The leader of the Crimson Dawn crime syndicate vehemently refuted the findings from a 23andMe kit gifted to him by Qi’ra after a particularly successful heist.

“43% Zabrak… well, yeah… 18% Mirialan… okay, I can see that… 21% Keshiri… wow, who knew… 6% Trandoshan… nice… 12% WHITE WALKER?! Are you friggin’ kidding me!”

Maul is deeply offended by the assertion that he is genetically connected to the race of mystical creatures made famous by Game of Thrones.

“I’d be okay with being related to the book version of the Night King, but my results page clearly shows the jobber from the HBO version. Definitely nonsense. And I do not take kindly to such besmirching. This means war. You’ve been marked for death, 23andMe. But first, I want a full refund! And no, I do not have a gift receipt.”

A spokesperson for 23andMe believes Maul’s saliva sample may be responsible for the White Walker mix up.

“Mr. Maul’s rotted teeth make it very difficult for us to separate DNA material from the rot and decay in his mouth. We’re sending him a complimentary horn swab kit that should result in a more accurate reading.”

As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or Google Play for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.

—William “Willybobo” Bobo