Re: Sexual violation not a one-way crime, April 9

Sexual violation not a one-way crime, April 9

Enough already. Shame on all of us. This young man was sexually assaulted. Why? Because he didn’t consent to what happened to him. Thankfully we all have the legal right to say yes or no.

We don’t need to know what exactly happened and believe me, many of us couldn’t stomach it anyways. Assault is not anyone’s fantasy and it is ignorant and insensitive to pretend that it is. We don’t get to decide when a touch or grope is nothing more than an annoyance and not everyone is in a position to simply slap down the culprit, especially our young people. And determine that a pinch on the bottom or unwanted touching should not be directed to the police? What is the matter with people?

This is exactly why we have the police and the laws that help us to make sure these people don’t continue sexually assaulting others. Is this the world you want to live in or raise your kids in? We already know that the vast majority of people never report to the police and yet we continue to discuss assaults in a flippant and demeaning way (even in the media which is the most abhorrent).

How are we supporting this young man who was brave enough to identify wrong from right? The trauma caused by any degree of unconsented behavior leaves people feeling shamed, alone and afraid. This trauma alone is often enough to have profound impacts on a victims sense of safety and self-blame, self-harm and rates of suicide are all common human responses to trauma.

Engaging in conversations with others, on the radio or in newspapers that minimizes, trivializes, mocks and judges a victims experience is the epitome of disgusting and uninformed behavior.

Julie Pehar, Oakville

I respect Rosie DiManno and look forward to her columns. Generally, I find her to be both just and compassionate. But on April 9, I think she blew it.

I have worked for over 20 years professionally with mostly female and sometimes male victims of sexual assault. I have learned well the truth that “sexual assault is not about sex: it is about abuse of power and control.” And so it is, whether the victim is female or male, and whether the perpetrator is male or female.

Usually four perpetrators mean the words “Gang Rape” will be mentionned; but it seems that if they are female they are given titles like “sex molls” out clubbing.

I have also learned that just as female victims fear reporting due to embarrassment, fear of “snickers,” being labelled as “asking for it,” and believing that the justice system will not respond according to their needs. Even so the male victim in this case is to be commended for taking just two weeks to report, given that the snicker and chortle volume is much higher, and he may even have feared being mocked in a column in the Star.

I would ask Rosie DiManno and others with similar views to simply think about this situation, placing their own, or their friend’s, 19-year-old son in the experience this young man reports. I do not think they would find it funny, or the reporting of it, unmanly. And, yes, I’ll still look forward to her columns.

Judie Cooper, Bracebridge

Any sexual assault is a horrific experience, and I feel much shame that the victim’s description of the assailants gave me a rare morning chuckle.

“White, between 30 and 36, standing approximately 5-foot-4, and weighing an estimated 190-200 pounds, last seen wearing short black dresses and high heels.” The image of such an assault is like a scene from Dante’s Inferno.

The police should have little difficulty getting information from the public. Four full-figured ladies sporting short skirts and wobbling on high heels would have been noticed by many patrons in that nightclub near King and University.

But a note of caution; a night of drinking can do strange things to one’s recollection of events.

Garry Burke, Coldwater

I am absolutely disgusted this article made it to print. I am an emergency room nurse and, sadly, have seen too many sexual assaults in my 20-year career. It is articles like this that make victims think twice about reporting assaults to police.

Male or female, who gives a damn? This is a teenage boy who states that he was assaulted, under what circumstances has yet to come to light, but does it matter? I cannot fathom how he must be feeling at this time, and to make fun of what would be a tragic experience is beyond understanding.

Rosie DiManno has made it sound like the victim was at fault, or should have enjoyed it given that “one man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy come true.”

Kim Gamble, Russell

I am a 34-year-old mom of one lovely teenage boy. He isn’t as old yet as the 19-year-old who reported being assaulted by multiple women the other night. But when I first heard a news clip about this, as a mom, I immediately thought of my son and was so proud of that young man for having the courage to report it.

Men in our society have been unwilling to deal with dismissive, mocking responses to assault of various kinds when they are victims, so when they stand up for themselves and demand the same protection and justice that I can as a woman, I am so proud of them and I consider this progress.

Rosie DiManno used language that made these alleged perpetrators sound comical, “vamps, Dolls, Ladies?” and attempted to make the whole thing sound goofy, funny, improbable. This is definitely not the way she would want a story of this nature reported had it involved her son, her daughter, her sibling.

Heather Hauka, Toronto

If I were ever a victim of assault, and God forbid I were also male, I can promise you that reading something like Ms DiManno’s commentary would not make me want to talk about it with anyone. Ever.

Assault is horrible enough as it is, regardless of what kind of assault it is, and to read something in the mainstream media that shames, blames, and somewhat facetiously ridicules both the victim and perpetrators is not the least bit helpful to any of the parties involved.

It is also not at all helpful in changing public perception. Assault of any kind is not okay. Any message conveyed by the media other than that is tactic approval of assault.

I would love it if your team of reporters would pull together to do a feature section on assault and rape culture in our current society. It’s time that comes to light and is treated with the gravitas it deserves.

Jennifer Barrett, Saskatoon

I work in an environment where I encounter a number of men who have been the victim of sexual assault. The public shame forces these men to suffer in silence. The police, the courts and community services do nothing more than shame these men and further add to their personal trauma.

And now The Star adds to the stigmatization by printing a piece that questions the validity of the crime. Had this been a story about four men sexually assaulting a 19-year-old women, DiManno wouldn’t dare question the validity of what transpired. Why the double standard?

David Zalokar, Toronto

I am a teacher of pre-teen and teenage boys and girls. For my English class each month, they must chose to read a handful of news articles in order to prepare and present a compelling story to their classmates. Frequently, the students make their selections from the Star’s pages.

I was completely appalled by Rosie DiManno’s phrase: “Of course, one man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy come true.” The tone and message of the article seemed to counter the writer’s own instruction, “Mustn’t be seen to make light of an alleged sexual crime simply because the victim is a male.” And yet. And yet.

It is a mighty challenge to combat toxic social programming and empower our young men and women. This irresponsible and offensive messaging from the Star certainly hasn’t made the task any easier.

Bridget Goodwin, Burlington

Let’s begin with the range of descriptions DiManno provides for the alleged perpetrators.

•“Definitely on the chubby side, though.” Rather trite would you not say? Fat, skinny, tall, short — the point being?

•“Allegedly sexually assaulted by all four of the dames.” If it was a woman, would have written that the alleged assault was done by four cads?

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•“Already I’m jumping to certain conjectures about this doll crew: fat and butchy, maybe self-designated vigilantistas, depending on what had transpired with their target earlier, at the bar.”

DiManno complains about the lack of details about the assault. Why? With the details we can decide if it is serious enough or a legitimate complaint? If a 19-year-old woman was groped by four 200-pound men would we say it’s not quite serious enough because she was not penetrated by these men?

“Of course, one man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy come true.” The paragraphs that follow do nothing to explicitly argue that such an argument is sexist and uncivilized and precisely the arguments that undermine efforts to help victims to come forward.

DiManno ends her column with: “Wanted: Bad girls in black minidresses and stilettos, approach with caution.”

This glib ending speaks to the whole piece. It is so repugnant, sexist and cruel I am shocked it was written and shocked you let it go through.

Melissa Brouwers, Ancaster

In this day and age where rape and assault is such a serious offence, it seems ridiculous and crude that such a case would be doubted and made light of, all due to the gender of the victim.

As a 20-year-old female, I found myself completely in shock with the double standards presented toward male equality in this article. Sexual assault is a serious offence to both sexes, there is no such thing as “reverse sexism,” as Rosie DiManno called it, since the word sexism pertains to both sexes and is a serious matter and equally offensive on both fronts.

What the writer does do is present a completely biased, uneducated, offensive and humiliating account of a situation that is already receiving this sort of attention in public forums on the Internet (Twitter response is suggesting that the victim is gay for not enjoying the advances made).

I would imagine that your job as a newspaper is not to fuel the immature opinions of the mass public, yet offer an educated and refined opinion, and perhaps dispel myths that make cases like this become suppressed and lead to false senses of manhood, and skewed statistics on sexual assault.

DiManno reveals this sourceless statistic: “We do instinctively think of sexual assault as something done to women by men because the stats bear that out: 90 per cent of victims are female and 99 per cent of offenders are male.” While this might be true, this article contributes to the reason that male assault cases aren’t addressed, because publications such as yours ensure embarrassment and ridicule to occur if men should dare to come forth with these issues.

All the opinions in this article would be dismantled were it written about a female, and the fact that males get ridiculed in the media when situations like this occur is a large part of the reason these things slip by unnoticed.

Monica Moraru, Toronto

Why this young man took so long to come forward is his business. Let’s let the police investigate and determine the facts in the case. If this really did occur this young man needs support and help, not snickering, nudging or winking by others around the water cooler.

Sue Sokol, Port Hope

While Ms DiManno claims to know that “sexual assault is no laughing matter,” her column belies a profound lack of respect for the gravity of this violation — how else could she think it appropriate to comment that “one man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy come true”?

Sexual violence is a serious matter irrespective of the gender of those involved and DiManno’s comments are just as wrong-headed as those of rape apologists who wonder whether “she actually really wanted it.”

Alice Cavanagh, Hamilton

“One man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy.” Would DiManno say the same thing if the victim was female and the four perpetrators male? Next thing we know DiManno will claim he was wearing tight pants and was therefore “asking for it.”

Ali Weisenberg, Kingston

Rosie Dimanno claims not to be taking the assault lightly, but then spends the entire article making a farce of it. This is exactly the reason so many survivors do not come forward. And to put forth the tired tropes of a man being assaulted by women being the fodder for “fantasy” is tacky.

Natalee Brouse, Mississauga

Rosie DiManno states that sexual assault is not a laughing matter and that she is writing the column with a straight face. Her words, particularly the final comment, belie this statement. She seems amused by the whole story. When a man is sexually assaulted it is apparently a source of mirth, although the victim may be seriously affected by such an invasion of his body.

Talk about double standards.

Robert Davidson, Markham

Sex assault is using one’s own body against another as a weapon. Does it really need more clarification or is Rosie DiManno simply feigning “obtuse” in favour a few giggles? Shameful.

Shannon Lambe, Mississauga