Everybody knows dickholes are gross. First off, it’s a hole in a dick. That’s gross. Then, the only things that come out of them are gross: urine, semen, kidney stones, prostate blood and the baby that DannyDeVito impregnated Arnold Schwarznegger with in Twins. So, like I said, dickholes are completely gross.

That’s why this summer you should avoid at all costs getting called one. The easiest way to get that name bandied about at you is to commit the most heinous of errors: publicly drinking a beer that doesn’t match your choice of facial hair. You don’t want to be at some bar, trying to impress the ladies or dudes and suddenly hear “Hey, nice Michelob you bearded dickhole!” Bearded dickhole? That’s the grossest. You’ll be blacklisted from every nightspot and bedroom in town. But don’t stroke your goatee in agony, wondering how you’ll ever get the right match between your beer and your suave choice of facial growth, because, once again, Trashcan Generation is proud to offer you the advice you oh-so-desperately crave.

Facial Hair and Beer Pairings, June 2011

Well Maintained Beard: You’re a man, sorta, and you’re not afraid to sorta show it. Yet, you also have these things called responsibilities, so you like to keep yourself in check. So that’s why you’ll be spotted drinking a sensible choice, such as Sam Adams. You have a business beard, so you’ll drink a business beer, even though you probably work behind the CD counter at Barnes & Noble.

You’re a man, sorta, and you’re not afraid to sorta show it. Yet, you also have these things called responsibilities, so you like to keep yourself in check. So that’s why you’ll be spotted drinking a sensible choice, such as Sam Adams. You have a business beard, so you’ll drink a business beer, even though you probably work behind the CD counter at Barnes & Noble. Full Beard: You like a beard that takes over your face, so you probably also say things like “I like a beer that drinks me back” and “Hey bro, quit using my clippers to shave your balls. Now I have to grow a full beard.” So your of course going to go for something thick, like a good stout. That’s because you have shitty taste in ball shaving roommates, so of course you’re going to drink a shitty tasting beer to appear manlier.

You like a beard that takes over your face, so you probably also say things like “I like a beer that drinks me back” and “Hey bro, quit using my clippers to shave your balls. Now I have to grow a full beard.” So your of course going to go for something thick, like a good stout. That’s because you have shitty taste in ball shaving roommates, so of course you’re going to drink a shitty tasting beer to appear manlier. Unruly Beard: Now we’re talking. You’re a rugged individual, so you’re going to drink a beer craft brewed by other rugged individuals. Preferably the brewery will be named after a mountain range you’ve never visited because you’re kinda scared of heights, or after a town you’ve never been to. It’ll be hoppy and bitter, just like all the nights you spend alone counting all the poor choices you’ve made, such as that ball shaving roommate. You used to just have a business beard. Where did it all go so wrong? Maybe you can still pursue that MBA, but probably not until you buy some new clippers and get your beard back into shape.

Now we’re talking. You’re a rugged individual, so you’re going to drink a beer craft brewed by other rugged individuals. Preferably the brewery will be named after a mountain range you’ve never visited because you’re kinda scared of heights, or after a town you’ve never been to. It’ll be hoppy and bitter, just like all the nights you spend alone counting all the poor choices you’ve made, such as that ball shaving roommate. You used to just have a business beard. Where did it all go so wrong? Maybe you can still pursue that MBA, but probably not until you buy some new clippers and get your beard back into shape. Patchy Beard: You’re either Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves’ brother, or somebody completely unrelated to Keanu Reeves yet still suffering the same facial hair malady as the Reevemeister. However, you’re in luck: Keanu was recently seen drinking a beer and smoking at LAX. The news article about the sighting didn’t mention the kind of beer, but he did mention once when talking about his much revered band Dogstar that he liked the free beer that went along with being in a touring band. So that’s the kind of beer you drink. The free kind, you fucking mooch.

You’re either Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves’ brother, or somebody completely unrelated to Keanu Reeves yet still suffering the same facial hair malady as the Reevemeister. However, you’re in luck: Keanu was recently seen drinking a beer and smoking at LAX. The news article about the sighting didn’t mention the kind of beer, but he did mention once when talking about his much revered band Dogstar that he liked the free beer that went along with being in a touring band. So that’s the kind of beer you drink. The free kind, you fucking mooch. Stubble: You’re lazy and avoid commitment. Commitment to shaving, commitment to growing any facial hair, commitment to a beer of choice. So you probably just choose a whole variety of beers, thus confusing the bartender and your friends who want to buy you a beer. But you’re lazy and can’t commit to those friendships anyway, so enjoy your table full of half-finished pints, and remember, your beard isn’t half-full, it’s half-empty.

You’re lazy and avoid commitment. Commitment to shaving, commitment to growing any facial hair, commitment to a beer of choice. So you probably just choose a whole variety of beers, thus confusing the bartender and your friends who want to buy you a beer. But you’re lazy and can’t commit to those friendships anyway, so enjoy your table full of half-finished pints, and remember, your beard isn’t half-full, it’s half-empty. Goatee, Trimmed: You’re a Christian youth minister. You don’t drink. I mean, you have the occasional glass of wine at dinner maybe, and that enables you to have sex with your homely wife and make the occasional God Warrior, but you don’t belong in this article. Good luck fighting the good battle.

You’re a Christian youth minister. You don’t drink. I mean, you have the occasional glass of wine at dinner maybe, and that enables you to have sex with your homely wife and make the occasional God Warrior, but you don’t belong in this article. Good luck fighting the good battle. Goatee, Long: The kind of beer you drink is called Tvarsky or Evan Williams. You find it goes nicely with your Anthrax cassettes and your dreams of being a rock and roll star. When you run out of booze and are forced to drink beer, it’s probably whatever kind your dad drinks. Because you’re 34, and you live at home with your parents, dickhole.

The kind of beer you drink is called Tvarsky or Evan Williams. You find it goes nicely with your Anthrax cassettes and your dreams of being a rock and roll star. When you run out of booze and are forced to drink beer, it’s probably whatever kind your dad drinks. Because you’re 34, and you live at home with your parents, dickhole. Goatee, Braided: Meth.

Meth. Mustache, Ironic: Hey, you like irony. So you’ll enjoy an ironic beer choice: non-alcoholic. Hahahahahaha, jokes one everybody else! You only seem drunk and stupid! The reality is, you’re just fucking stupid. Nice Faint cd you were bumping earlier, guy. Did it come free with your trucker hat?

Hey, you like irony. So you’ll enjoy an ironic beer choice: non-alcoholic. Hahahahahaha, jokes one everybody else! You only seem drunk and stupid! The reality is, you’re just fucking stupid. Nice Faint cd you were bumping earlier, guy. Did it come free with your trucker hat? Mustache, Serious: You’re either a cop or a burly redneck. We commend you on your 3.2 domestic choice, sir. Well played. We’ll go hide in the corner from your icy stares with our beers of choice, because we totally showed up at the wrong bar tonight. Nice choice of David Allen Coe on the jukebox, by the way. We’re misogynistic racists, too. Seriously, carry on.

You’re either a cop or a burly redneck. We commend you on your 3.2 domestic choice, sir. Well played. We’ll go hide in the corner from your icy stares with our beers of choice, because we totally showed up at the wrong bar tonight. Nice choice of David Allen Coe on the jukebox, by the way. We’re misogynistic racists, too. Seriously, carry on. Soul Patch: Whatever beer came out in the 90’s and doesn’t realize it shouldn’t exist anymore. Expired Tequiza? Michelob Genuine Draft? Cyanide?

Whatever beer came out in the 90’s and doesn’t realize it shouldn’t exist anymore. Expired Tequiza? Michelob Genuine Draft? Cyanide? Any Kind of Blonde Facial Hair: Fucking disgusting. We hope you get called a dickhole. We’ll call you a dickhole ourselves. Your face just looks like it has bumpy, scratchy flesh growths all over it. We’re gonna slip ecstasy in whatever beer you’re drinking so you’ll get in a car crash and die so you can’t produce more disgusting blonde facial haired children to make us want to puke our guts out. Oh wait, are you Jeff Daniels? No? Yeah, that’s right, motherfucker. Ecstasy.

Fucking disgusting. We hope you get called a dickhole. We’ll call you a dickhole ourselves. Your face just looks like it has bumpy, scratchy flesh growths all over it. We’re gonna slip ecstasy in whatever beer you’re drinking so you’ll get in a car crash and die so you can’t produce more disgusting blonde facial haired children to make us want to puke our guts out. Oh wait, are you Jeff Daniels? No? Yeah, that’s right, motherfucker. Ecstasy. Sideburns: Nice try, Fonz. How about a nice milkshake to go with your jukebox lean? If you do decide to drink, it’s the kind of beer that’s been around since the last time sideburns were cool: prohibition. Damn, looks like you’re the designated driver while your friends drink responsibly.

Nice try, Fonz. How about a nice milkshake to go with your jukebox lean? If you do decide to drink, it’s the kind of beer that’s been around since the last time sideburns were cool: prohibition. Damn, looks like you’re the designated driver while your friends drink responsibly. Neck Beard: Um, what kind goes good with serial killing? Oh yeah, Budweiser.

Um, what kind goes good with serial killing? Oh yeah, Budweiser. Chinstrap: Seriously, fucking shave. What the hell is going on here? If I had known there were so many styles of facial hair when I started this fashion guide, I probably would have just let you guys get called dickholes. I mean, you’re manly enough to sport some facial hair, but you can’t make beer choices of your own? Do you do everything the internet tells you to?

Seriously, fucking shave. What the hell is going on here? If I had known there were so many styles of facial hair when I started this fashion guide, I probably would have just let you guys get called dickholes. I mean, you’re manly enough to sport some facial hair, but you can’t make beer choices of your own? Do you do everything the internet tells you to? No Facial Hair: Congratulations. You’re a woman. Michelob Ultra or white wine spritzers for you.

So there you have it. Drink up with confidence that you will now not get called a dickhole. And for all you whiners who don’t see your facial hair styling on the list, we’re a serious blog here. We don’t cover your weird whisker fads like star shaped mustaches or Billy Joel shaped side beards. Everybody else, we’ve got your fashion covered.