Vegan. The very word invites derision, like you should be living in a leper colony, or you want to infect everyone around you with a disease that makes you crave tofu. At first, I didn’t even want to say the word. Vegan.

I wasn’t worried what friends thought, because I really couldn’t give a shit. Anyone who knows me must have had some inkling of my tendencies in this area. All my life I’ve had these nagging thoughts about what I was eating. If I was having BBQ sausages, for example, I would like them charred till they was black. I liked everything well-done. I didn’t like the idea that there was blood anywhere. I wasn’t really repulsed or anything, it was just that I didn’t want to be reminded of what it was.

It’s only been a few months since I finally came to realize I didn’t want to eat meat-stuffs anymore. And I really dreaded telling people “I’m vegan”. It felt like I should be whispering it like a dirty secret, as if I’d stolen money from a friend’s wallet or fingered their partner drunkenly at a party. I could already see in my mind’s eye, the rolling of all those judging eyes at social gatherings where food was served, my confession immediately followed by sighs of, “Well, this is going to be hard…” Like not doing something is somehow harder than actually doing something.

People within a 20-foot radius of where the vegan truth-stink-bomb was dropped will say things like: “What do you eat? Lettuce? Air?”

Such witty retorts have often stunned lesser vegans into submission, like barbed lightning sent straight to a soft, cabbage-like heart. Often these barbs have brought lesser vegans to tears… well, not really, but I still feel stupid for having to say anything.

Why was I finding it so hard to explain to people? Was it because I had spent such a large part of my life mocking vegans? The militant types seemed ripe for parody. But now, even writing it feels stupid. Vegan. Surely there is a better word. I for one would rather a name that sounded tough and manly. Manly like a mid-’80s four-piece thrash band in a sweaty backstage promo photo, sans shirts. “Meat Abstainer”, “Kill Avoider”, or “Butcher Walk Past-er-er”. Okay, the last one was shit, but the first two would totally have me hunting down a good first pressing on fake-blood red vinyl.

The reason I decided to become vegan was not because I didn’t like the taste of meat. I do like the taste of meat, most people do. Believe it or not, shoppers, that’s actually one of the many reasons why people eat it, if not the main one. You don’t have to be any kind of chef to throw a steak on a barbecue. Very little effort is required, and it’s generally pretty tasty.

There are all sorts of cuts of meat from all sorts of animal that taste great. That is not my issue. It’s simply that I don’t want to kill something if I don’t have to. That may, in some people’s eyes, make me weaker, but I’m cool with that.

I just decided that I don’t really want to have to kill something. End of story. Now, at this point, any discussion about becoming “Ugh, Vegan” inevitably comes down to an argument from meat-eaters that it’s “natural”.

I’m not going to argue with you about whatever issues you have about me not doing something. It seems stupid. I’m not doing something, so by definition, that means you are not affected. I’m not walking into traffic, therefore I’m not a hazard.

It’s hard to get angry with someone about their choice to not do something. Usually it’s the other way around. Sure, you could say, “Not helping someone in trouble is an example where not doing something would be an issue,” but we are not talking about that, so shut the fuck up.

Me not eating an animal has absolutely no bearing on anyone’s life at all, besides that of the animal, and even then I doubt my abstaining from killing it makes that much of a mark. But I don’t care. I find it easier to live with myself just knowing that whatever happens, it’s not my fault, or at least I tried to minimize the chance that it is.

My reasons for not eating meat are pretty simple, and can be broken down to a couple of items:

If you like animals, why eat them?

I know this is something that “Ugh, Vegans” like to wear on a t-shirt, and it may be really hard to think about, but most people don’t want to hurt an animal if faced with an equally convenient choice not to. If you saw someone walk past a kennel and slit a tied-up dog’s throat, everyone would immediately call the police and be thoroughly outraged. To me, it’s pretty much the same thing no matter which way you slice it, pun intended. I just don’t want to slit a lamb’s throat, put a bolt into a cow’s head, or participate in other “humane” ways animals can be killed.

Factory farming is pretty shit.

It’s gross on almost every level. The pollution, the horrible conditions. I doubt anyone that has visited one of these farms would sit down and eat a nice meal in there. It’s generally a pretty toxic environment, and almost always gross. It doesn’t really make anyone happy besides the businesses involved.

The reasons for eating meat are these:

It tastes good.

My counter-point is that heaps of other things taste good. too. I know, weird, huh?

It’s healthy. I don’t think a small amount of meat is bad for you.

Still, I would rather not kill something if I don’t have to.

Weird things people have said as some kind of “reason” why we should eat meat:

If we all stopped eating meat, all those animals would die.

Well, probably, yeah, but the chances of everyone going vegan at exactly the same time and the farmers walking off all the farms en masse are pretty remote, and this line of thinking is fucking stupid. Also, they are dying now anyway.

They were put here for us to eat.

This sounds like you are some kind of religious nutter, stop it. You sound dumb and there is no god.

We have teeth that are for eating meat.

Yes, that’s true. But who cares? You still don’t actually have to eat meat, you can, in fact, survive quite well without it. You were also meant to shit in the woods and wipe your balloon-knot with leaves. We evolved beyond that, too.

I only eat meat that was killed humanely.

Unless it dies of natural causes, I don’t think our ideas of “humane” are the same.

The animal has a good life.

Cool, maybe we should kill it, then?

I’m not trying to convert anyone. Really, I’m not. I intended to explore exactly why I have made this decision, so when I hear more bullshit reasoning about why me not doing something is so offensive, I’ll be prepared to unleash a salvo. But I feel like this “Ugh, Vegan” lifestyle choice is actually very simple.

I don’t want to kill anything.

That’s pretty much it. You don’t have to agree with me, but the one thing you do have to deal with (and it may be easy for most of you) is that essentially, you have to be happy with the fact that when you are eating something meaty, you are putting an animal that has been slaughtered into your face-hole. That’s just exactly what you are doing, after the fancy packaging has been removed, after all hype about the marinade is put aside. You have to be happy with the fact that you could have not done something, but instead decided, “I am going to kill (or allow someone else to kill on my behalf) an animal.”

If the worst part of being “Ugh, Vegan” is having to put up with such a stupid word, then I guess I can deal with it. But I would prefer “Kill Avoider”. In my thrash logo of this name, the i would be like a lightning bolt or some shit, it would look rad.