How Covid-19 Makes Me Like Myself More

This pandemic makes me more accepting and compassionate towards myself.

Photo by Thimo Pedersen on Unsplash

As far as I can remember I suffered from general anxiety disorder and low-grade depression ever since I was a child.

I was melancholic, withdrawn, and constantly worried. I never had dreams about what life would be like as a grown-up, what job I would have, whether I would have a family… because I thought I wouldn’t get older than 19. When I turned 19 I thought I would die by the age of 21. Buy the age of 21 I stopped expecting to die any time soon and started to become depressed about the fact that I will die someday — even if not before I turn 30.

Despite being affected by high levels of anxiety and persistent sadness, I am high-functioning.

I went to college, I got a PhD, and surprisingly soon after that, I was awarded a tenured post in academia. I never dreamed of anything as a child, but I got what I wanted along the way. I pay my bills on time, I am debt-free, I look after myself and my loved ones. I never resorted to illegal drugs or prescription medication, though I do self-medicate with food, as so many people do.

From the outside, I seem to have my shit together, but from the inside, it more often feels like surviving than thriving.

And even surviving requires a lot of effort, therapy, checking into my body, reflecting on myself, mindfully taking one step after the next one.

Spoiler alert, Covid-19 hasn’t changed any of it.

I am still upset about the fact that I’m mortal. I still worry about growing older. Or that my loved ones will die. I am still deeply saddened by the way humans are: how they treat each other, how they treat nature, but most of all by how they treat animals — those vulnerable and equally sentient souls in need of our protection. I am still upset with myself for being not as productive as I would like to be. Or for not living as healthy as I would like. For not making friends and building social relationships. The pandemic has not stopped me from being an over-worrier, or from being a ruminator, or from being someone who is disappointed in myself in various ways.

But while my mental health issues persist, my perspective on them has somewhat shifted.

I think I am more accepting of myself. I can be more compassionate towards myself. And here is why:

№1 I am not alone

Most times in my life I felt very lonely. It doesn’t matter how many people are around me, or whether I am in a romantic relationship or not.

Having an anxiety disorder or going through depression can be a very lonely experience.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

I know there are other people out there like me, but I rarely actively connected with them. Even with the few I tried to connect with I didn’t really find common ground. Maybe I didn’t want to because I don’t want to define myself through my mental health issues. I don’t want to be an anxiety disorder. I don’t want to be dysthymia (ongoing, low-grade depression).

I never felt less lonely than during this pandemic.

People with severe bouts of worrying, significant anxiety, deep sadness, grief or anhedonia (a reduced ability to take pleasure in things) seem to be everywhere these days.

You find them posting on social media, in your family, in your circle of friends, in your neighborhood, or amongst co-workers.

They might not be upfront about it, often they will lack the words to explain their feelings because they have never felt like this before, but you can read it between the lines of their posts or observe it in their behavior. And the vast amount of articles, posts, videos on how to keep mentally healthy during Covid-19 suggests there is a hugely increased amount of people suffering mentally now.

Some of them will develop an anxiety disorder. Some of them will develop depression. It’s too early to say for sure how many people come out of this pandemic with a mental health issue. But common sense tells me the numbers will have increased.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I am sincerely hoping anyone who develops an anxiety disorder or depression will be able to overcome it and feel stronger afterward. But whether you develop a mental issue and overcome it soon after or are stuck in it for a while longer or whether you “just” experience a huge amount of anxiety and persistent sadness, you and I have something in common.

You and I share a disturbing and unsettling psychological experience.

I know it really sucks what you are going through.

And I know that you know it really sucks what I am going through.

And this makes me feel less lonely.

These times are exceptional. They make it socially acceptable for people to openly share their anxieties and feelings of sadness. Your sharing helps to make people like me who left lonely for a long time feel less lonely.

Thank you for this.

№2 It can happen to anyone

I spent years of my life ruminating about why I have mental health issues. I blamed my parents. I blamed my highschool friend. I blamed my genes. I blamed society. I blamed myself.

The current pandemic makes me realize that it’s all about context. Human minds are very fluid. They react and adapt to circumstances very quickly.

Sometimes the adaptation strategies are supportive of a rich and meaningful life and sometimes they aren’t.

Yet, they are all coping strategies, proof that we are trying our best to survive in light of an ever-changing environment. That’s pretty impressive, minds!

Photo by Adrià Tormo on Unsplash

We can think of anxiety disorders and depression as coping strategies gone rogue. Excessive worrying and ruminating, for example. It’s just that these strategies have proven to be not very helpful for us long-term.

The arrival of the Coronavirus with all of its consequences means a huge change. It’s adversity at its finest. And it’s the kind of circumstances that most of us have never experienced before.

The mind tries to adapt to the new situation.

And feeling anxious, worrying, feeling sad, ruminating can be helpful strategies. They are helpful for our survival and that of our dearest. It means we are more careful, more alert, follow the guidelines, protect our loved ones, connect with them on a deeper level.

Some people will experience ongoing anxiety and feelings of sadness for the first time in their lives.

For some people worrying and feeling sad will reach levels high enough to be debilitating and disabling. Your worrying or feeling sad becomes disorderly when it seriously restricts your life. When it’s not only Covid-19 and its social, financial, political, economical consequences that cause you suffering but also what was supposed to be your coping mechanism!

Worrying about the virus and being saddened about its consequences is good. But there is a sweet spot, the right about of anxiety and sadness. Cross it and your coping strategy becomes one major source of pain.

A fine line. Photo by Anika Huizinga on Unsplash

It’s a fine line between feeling anxious and sad for an extended period of time and developing a disorder.

Given the right context (e.g. a pandemic) and the right circumstances (what else is going on in your life) a simple match can light a fire. No one is really immune to mental health issues. No one can predict it will never happen to them.

It’s not my fault that I have a generalized anxiety disorder and dysthymia. It’s not my fault that I haven’t been able to “snap out” of it. I am trying my best to tweak my coping strategies, so they serve me better. Until then, I can have compassion for myself, just as I have compassion for the many people who currently are freaking out or staying in bed all day.

If many people can develop mental health problems given the right breeding ground, then maybe I’m not so flawed.

Maybe I’m just a normal human being reacting to unfortunate or challenging circumstances.

№3 Society needs people like me

If you are suffering from mental health issues there is a strong sense that you, or at least a significant part of you, is useless.

I can sometimes feel like a waste of cells.

But as it turns out in times like these people like me are being pretty useful members of society.

Some self-irony. Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

As an introvert, I am really good at self-isolating. I don’t mind not meeting a single human soul for weeks during the healthiest of times. And I certainly don’t mind it now during the pandemic. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy connecting with others.

But I am used to connecting online via Skype, email, or Whatsapp message (OK, email not so much, I hate writing emails).

I won’t moan about physical distancing.

In fact, physical distancing is really my thing! I wish it became a permanent rule in supermarkets to stay 2 m away from other shoppers. So when I go shopping now I happily stay away from people, pick the least busy times, and give other shoppers a stern look if they move too close. That’s good for me. But that’s also good for society. I follow the guidelines that will hopefully end this pandemic.

I also don’t mind if not a single person asks how I am doing for days in a row. As an introvert who is far from being shy, but likes to spend most of their time on their own, I’m OK with not getting text messages. Actually, I am super bad myself at checking in on people during the best of times. So I am very tolerant of other people’s lack of unprompted communication.

That I am so relaxed about it takes the burden off of people who probably have enough people around them in need of their attention.

But because I know that not everyone copes with social isolation as well as I do, I now check in with people more than I normally would. I know it’s important to them that I ask “How are you holding up?” And I am OK to just listen.

As someone who knows a fair amount about anxiety and sadness, I am very good at picking up clues and reading between the lines. I speak the language or worry and rumination. So when someone messages me or posts on social media I can detect whether they are very anxious or very sad or anhedonic even without them using these words.

Photo by Tonik on Unsplash

A friend of mine texted me yesterday about her mum who has been admitted to hospital because of a swelling in her leg. She didn’t ask me for help and she didn’t use phrases like “I’m so worried” or “what happens if..”. But I could feel her anxiety. I didn’t do magical work. I simply told her how I would feel. And I asked her whether she can relate to it. She replied with “yes”. She expressed her concerns that she might experience a full-blown panic attack. We discussed a few steps she could take to ground her in the here and now; a coping strategy that can buy you some time, to make you feel safer again.

Over many years and with the help of therapists I have learned to name emotions: anxiousness, sadness, joy, anger, fear. I have learned to recognize early signs for when a particular emotion is becoming a problem for a person, when its persistent presence prevents them from living a rich and meaningful life. And I have learned ways to accept unwelcome emotions and the additional anger, guilt, and shame that sometimes come with having these emotions.

I can help when I notice someone spiraling, freaking out, or feeling overwhelmed by their feelings. By offering strategies, by sharing my own experiences, or by simply noticing and acknowledging they are not doing so well at the moment.

People need that right now.

I also know what it’s like when you feel anxiety creeping up inside your chest and throat. What it’s like to feel like a trapped animal when you feel you need to attack to protect yourself from harm. I know how feeling this way can make you lash out at others, say things you don’t mean at all, or do something that negatively surprises yourself. I don’t take it personally. I don’t add fuel to the situation by picking a fight and saying or doing something hurtful to you.

I know it isn’t personal when you are in the midst of the storm.

Photo by Uriel Soberanes on Unsplash

I don’t argue with people on social media at the moment, even though I am pretty good at it at other times. But such fights only contribute to the anxiety people are feeling anyway. This doesn’t mean that people are not responsible for their words and actions. There is no justification for hitting another person, to name just one example, no matter how anxious the hitter is. Actions can be still wrong even if they are not personal.

Many people experience ongoing anxiety or unwanted feelings such as persistent sadness for the first time during this pandemic. I have a lot of sympathy for them.

I am so used to dealing with unwanted emotions on a daily basis. But for them, it must be so scary!

And not only do they have to deal with the very real consequences of Coronavirus on their lives. They also have to figure out how to function despite their persistent unwanted feelings of anxiety or sadness. That’s a lot all at once! While I also have to deal with the practical consequences of the pandemic, dealing with new, scary feelings and thoughts is not a huge concern of mine. I learned how I can have all of these unwanted guests and yet do what matters to me.