Yes bachelor friends, I have “Ben” working on my puns in the offseason. I don’t know about you but I am more than ready for this season to start. While we still have a little under a month left before premiere, we were blessed with bachelor pictures and bio’s popping up on the website this week. Before we get to initial impressions I have not forgotten that I did not do a bachelor in paradise finale post. The biggest reason why is that I didn’t end up watching it until well after it aired. By that point nobody would have cared. The other reason is that the finale was boring. Jade and Tanner ended up getting engaged. That was really it. If you’ve watched any of the seasons at all you are well aware that finale’s have the least amount of drama and action. They just don’t get my juices flowing. But that is all in the past, let’s get to the real reason we are all here.

Here he is:

I’m a fan of Ben. He was unquestionably the right choice from Kaitlyn’s season. My biggest fear is that he becomes too robotic and ends up being boring, but we all know what makes or breaks a season. The ladies. Without further adieu:

Amanda

Amanda is cute. Lot’s of potential there. Her greatest achievement to date is 2 daughters……Has there ever Ben (last one I swear) a contestant with 2 kids? I’m sure there has but nothing comes to mind right away. Anyway, at least Ben knows she’ll still look hot if he puts a 3rd in her.

Amber

I’m getting a weird since of deja vu with Amber. Oh wait, that’s because she’s been on before. You are supposed to get recycled on bachelor in paradise or show up awkwardly well after the bachelor season has begun. You don’t get added to cast pictures before it even airs. This is a dangerous precedent and one I don’t care for. We need fresh blood on these shows. By the way, I found another picture of Amber:

Becca

Where have I seen you before? Oh yes, finishing second on last season of the bachelor because Chris Soules wanted to pick you but you essentially told him no. Look, I like Becca, and her virgin storyline is always great theater, but you had your chance. The girls are going to turn on you and say mean things under their breath about you. Maybe that’s what ABC is going for. A little manufactured drama. I however prefer my drama to be organic. Just let it happen on it’s own Chris Harrison.

Breanne

I”m very back and forth on this one. I could see her going home the first night, I could see her making it far. Lot of variance here. She loves hot weather because she can show off that body she’s been working on. Breanne is also a nutritional therapist, so that backs up her previous comment in keeping a tight bod. A big negative is that she used the word “hashtag” in one of her responses. Can we put a stop to that please? Nothing is more cringy than using that word in conversation. I am officially starting a campaign #endverbalhashtags

Caila

Because Kayla was too basic. It says she is 24, but I’m going with 17 and ¾. She turns 18 on the night of fantasy suite dates, just in case. She was asked one of the best questions I have ever seen on here: What is your cultural background? This should be a mandatory question when the answer isn’t obvious. She was also asked which fruit or vegetable would she be (is this a facebook quiz?). I feel like she was trolling us with her answer because she said pomegranate. I’m sure you all remember when blog favorite Ashley S “found” a pomegranate on her premiere night:

By the way, Caila says she is half Filipino and half German/Irish/Swiss. According to my math that makes her 200% of a person. Did she eat a twin in utero? Speaking of twins….

Emily/Haley

If you’ve seen any of the commercials for the bachelor than you’ve probably seen the one where the twins get out to meet Ben. Their occupation is “twin”. Twins are weird and I will never understand them. It’s almost like they’d rather be treated as one person instead of individuals so I am only doing one write up for them. They were also asked what their cultural background is and they answered: 200% Aryan

Isabel

Isabel is meh to me. That’s probably why she goes by Izzy. Nothing real interesting in her profile. She’s a graphic designer, from Connecticut, likes Beyonce. She was asked about her favorite book and said that she liked the first 150 pages of 50 shades of grey and then went and saw the movie. She sounds like a bit of a quitter and takes the easy way out. I guess this is the perfect show for her.

Jackie

Jackie is a Gerontologist. I had to look up what that meant. According to the internets it is: the study of the social, psychological, cognitive, and biological aspects of aging. I still don’t know what that means and I don’t care to do anymore research. She makes it sound like she is super adventurous and up for anything. When someone goes out of their way to tell you they love adventure, they are probably pretty lame. I predict that Jackie will hang in the background and just wait around until Ben doesn’t call her name.

Jami

With all due respect to Amber, Jami is the black girl this year. She is also Canadian, so ABC double dipped here. But they might be the only one’s to have ever dipped in her at all because Jami describes herself as an inexperienced lover. I can see Jami and Becca becoming good friends in the house. But only for a couple of weeks since that is how long Ben has to keep her.

Jennifer

Jennifer has that cute girl next door thing going on. She’s a small business owner that’s into country music (a lot of these girls listed country music). Asked which animal she could be Jennifer said dolphins because they are the only mammal that have sex for pleasure. She either forgot that humans are also mammals or that they also have sex for pleasure. If she could break one law it would be tanning nude at the beach. Maybe she isn’t as girl next door as I thought

Jessica

I hope this is just a bad picture of Jessica, but I have a feeling it’s not. She answered Robin Hood when asked which fictional character she could be. Since he was a socialist in medieval times I can only assume that Jessica will be voting for present day socialist Bernie Sanders.

Joelle (jo-jo)

Joelle was asked my new favorite question, what is your background. Her Mom is Persian and father is american. Her special talent is making a 3 leaf clover with her tongue. I’m sure at some point she’ll inform Ben so that he knows how dexterous she is with her tongue. Joelle says she is an average cook that make a great quesadilla. That would be like a Mexican saying they make a killer grilled cheese sandwich.

Jubilee

Jubilee’s response to what her favorite music is: Country (Don’t judge me, LOL!) and R&B. Why would we judge………

She was in the military for 4.5 years so you know she isn’t taking anyone’s shit.

Lace

And the contestant with the best stripper/american gladiators name goes to Lace. I’m really getting a Kelsey vibe from this one. You remember Kelsey, the girl that needed to share her dead husband’s story. If Lace could be anyone she answered herself, only richer. I’m willing to bet that Lace doesn’t have very many girl friends and just can’t figure out why.

Laura

Poor Laura. She has no shot. She does look like a pastier version of that girl from 24, so she has that going for her:

Lauren “LB”

I already know what you are thinking, what is Lauren’s answer to the what is your cultural background question. This has sadly gone unasked. Lauren instead talks about being constipated in Germany, joining a sorority and hating it, and visiting Nepal. I am disappoint

Lauren B

Because you can’t have a Lauren that goes by LB without having a Lauren B. I think Lauren goes pretty far but she’ll be that girl that is too quiet and just can’t let those walls down that Ben will desperately ask her to do. Nothing really out of the ordinary in the bio. Hopefully she isn’t boring

Lauren H

Lauren H is going to be the desperate one. Super clingy, overly emotional, hanging on every word. If Lauren could go anywhere she said California because that’s where the bachelor mansion is. If she could be anyone she said Chris Harrison because his job seems so cool. Lauren could get sent home night 1 and I still think she would come on bachelor in paradise next summer. She also pulled up her pinterest for her boss and there was all this wedding stuff. She didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. Yikes

Lauren R

Another fucking Lauren? Is there anyone named Lauren that didn’t get invited to the show this year? Lauren is a math teacher. It doesn’t say what grade she teaches though. She either has a lot of high school boys lined up to take her class, or a bunch of single dad’s that just happened to be in the area and were able to pick up their kid that day from school. I’m going to guess there are also a lot of married dad’s that hate their life and wouldn’t mind having an affair with the hot math teacher that also stop by to pick up their child that they didn’t want to have anyway but their wife told them having a kid would solve their marital issues but instead only made it worse.

Lauren Leah

We have finally made it past the Lauren’s. Leah is a 25 year old event planner. One of the recycled questions is if the contestant has any tattoos. There isn’t usually a reason to bring it up, but Leah has 2 doves on the back of her calves that are being laser removed. Ahhhhh regrets. She probably decided to get them removed once she found out she was going to be on TV because having 2 birds tattooed on you looks ridiculous:

(That is Kaitlyn and her bird tattoos from last season. I couldn’t find a better picture)

Maegan

How many different girls have been on here to have misspelled the name Megan? Her occupation is listed as cowgirl. Is that like a female farmer? Maegan is the stereotype southern girl (hillbilly?) She was asked what her typical Saturday night was and this is the answer: “Sitting on the back patio with my sister, BBQ’ing and drinking some beers. Throw in a dip and round up some cattle. My mini-horse and chocolate lab always hang with us too.” Now I made one of those up, but you had to pause and think which one it was. Here is the link to her page if you want to be sure: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/maegan

Mandi

I hate sometimes focusing on the obvious because everyone can see it and I’m not bringing up anything you don’t already know, but her boobs are really far apart. Remember Ashley the dancing dentist that had her own season of bachelorette? Mandi is also a dentist and her favorite music is “house”. Sometimes you look at a group of girls they bring on and see that the bachelor clearly has a type. Maybe ABC also has a type, and it’s spunky girls that died their hair blonde that love looking in your mouth.

Olivia

Olivia is a news anchor from Austin, Texas. Do news people from Texas have that twang? Or are they conditioned to speak a little more….natural? Maybe they bring in people not originally from Texas. I’m going to guess she was brought in because her favorite music is alternative (bonus point). I’ve got my eye on Olivia

Rachel

I was also looking to see what the answer was to the cultural background question. I was sadly disappointed again. Rachel might be my dark horse candidate this year. She’s only 23, but don’t forget Ben is only 26. Her biggest problem, she is unemployed. I guess I”m surprised more people on these shows aren’t unemployed. Who the hell gives you so much time off work to go on this show anyway?

Samantha

It seems that every year we get one person that you think, you might be a little too smart to be on this show. Samantha is an attorney that graduated in the top 20% of her class. I think she might qualify for that honor this season. Is there really no cute fellow attorney at the office you work at? Or some stud bailiff in the courtroom that you run into everyday? I almost hope Samantha gets sent home early so I don’t have to subject everyone to very objectionable, yet completely sustainable courtroom humor (you saw what I did there).

Shushanna

So I went to the ole Google and typed in “Shushanna” just to see what would happen. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed the first result would be the page of a middle eastern belly dancer that performs in Philadelphia. I have no clue what to make of this girl. Is she also middle eastern? Her favorite music is: Deep House, EDM, Russian. Russian? What? I’m afraid if I keep digging I’ll go down a rabbit hole and never finish this post.

Tiara

Tiara was my favorite, until I read her occupation. She is a chicken enthusiast. Didn’t we have a dog enthusiast on here before? She clearly doesn’t read the blog because every year I give one piece of advice. Don’t be weird. Listing your occupation with anything followed by the word enthusiast is weird.

So there you have it. My hot takes on each contestant. When I first glanced through everyone earlier this week I was left a little unimpressed. After studying each a little more I think this will be a good season. Season premiere is Monday January 4th. Mark your calendars, set your DVR, get your bottles of wine picked out, it will be here before you know it.

We’ll see you after the premiere

- Nick