WASHINGTON—Saying the entire process would take you less than a minute, sources reported Friday that there is absolutely nothing at all stopping you from deleting your Facebook account right now. “There’s no reason in the world you can’t go to your Facebook account this very second and erase it completely from the internet,” sources reported, adding that no one is standing in your way and you’ll be happy to move on with your life and never, ever look back. “No one’s permission at all is required for you to visit www.facebook.com/help/delete_account, click the “Delete My Account” button, and verify your password, at which point you will be free from the social media platform for the rest of your life. You can do it. You should do it. Do it right now.” At press time, sources told reporters they were unsurprised you were too fucking weak to pull the trigger.

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