I was in a bad car accident almost 4 years ago where my front tooth was knocked out and others bent back, and I wasn’t able to resume a ‘normal’ life until 2012. I enrolled at Hofstra University on long island as a first year student, and was placed in a suite style dorm with 3 other girls. They were 18 and had just graduated from high school, so as a 20 year old there was a disconnect, but the only real issue I had was with my direct roommate. She was rude, passive aggressive, unhygenic, and worst of all had her extremely misogynistic boyfriend over all the time in our room (on one incident, we entered the room after knocking and being told to wait. they were still in bed but dressed, and as soon as we sat down he made a point to stand up and loudly announce, “better wash my hands!”) It was more than an issue of not liking him; he was over so often that I spent more time in our suite lounge than my room. It got so bad that I started staying over at my boyfriends house a few towns away.

Things didn’t get better, and the second half of the semester, just 2 weeks from school’s end, I had my boyfriend stay over for the 4th time all semester as I had work early the next day. My roommate threw a fit about sleeping on the futon (our house rule that she created) and spent the night out in our lounge talking shit and being loud. She kept waking us up, and the final time she slammed our door open and flicked our lights on and off was the final straw, so I called her out on the double standard that her boyfriend essentially lived in our dorm, saying “Really? Come on. You know Jared is here every day and stays over every weekend.” Immediately, she went from zero to sixty screaming “OH. MY. GOOOOODDDDD!!!” and proceeded to run around our dorm building and hide in a stairwell, screaming. Most of our dorm was woken up, and the girl soon ran to our RA, blustering that I was horrible to her. When I heard their voices around the corner I headed over to resolve it and she ran away again. My RA was exhausted (it was around 4am at this point) and said there was nothing we could do since she wouldnt cooperate and to just go to bed and we would fix the issue in the morning. Defeated and exhausted, I went to bed an hour later after reluctantly choosing my room assignment for the next year (happy that I would be elsewhere).

The next day, I came home from work with just a few minutes to spare between classes, so I went to my room to grab my books, and there was my roommate and her boyfriend. I grabbed my belongings as fast as possible and kept quiet, but he quickly started screaming “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY I WASNT HERE LAST NIGHT I WOULD RIP YOU BOTH APART AND YOUR PUSSY BOYFRIEND WON’T DO SHIT WHEN I DO.” I tried to get out of the room but he backed me into a corner, spitting on my face and screaming insults and obscenities, promising me that their many friends would have something to do about this. I tried to explain that my boyfriend had kept his mouth shut and that I never insulted, yelled, or tried to hurt my roommate. He kicked my ottoman at me, got inches from my face, and screamed so loud he shook. He told me multiple times, YOU DON’T KNOW WHO I AM, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE. His girlfriend finally pulled him off quietly, and they started to head out the door. At this point, I knew shit needed to get solved, and although I was shaking, I knew I needed to get help, so I said “clearly we need this issue resolved by the RA” (a few doors down). I thought the door was closing behind them, so I grabbed it for myself, when I realized he was still closing it. I yelled out ‘stop closing the door, my arm’s in there!’ at which point he looked at me, grinned, and yanked the door shut. I was able to move my arm, as I had the door near my wrist, but my hand was closed in the door and my fingernails ripped off. They bolted out of the dorm, and I went to my RA’s dorm to find no one there and couldn’t locate the RA on duty. I headed to class, shaken and running on adrenaline, and my teacher immediately knew there was an issue. He let me out early to have my boyfriend drive me back to my dorm and demanded I keep him updated. When we arrived, my RA told us we had to mediate and we found my roommate hiding alone in the dark. My RA wouldn’t allow my boyfriend in – claiming she would keep me safe and that we had to discuss privately, and let me give him my key card to swipe back in when we were done. She tried throughout this meeting to get me to agree to let him back in my room only on weekends, and didn’t grasp how terrified i was. I learned during the meeting that he has mild sociopathic tendencies and is on medicine that makes him aggressive – his girlfriends words, not my interpretation. Meanwhile, my boyfriend called my father, who insisted we call public safety so we could get some real help.

As soon as they arrived, they got aggressive with my boyfriend and told him to shut up and leave. They told me he would be banned, and after questioning them we came to find out they falsely believed he was my attacker. When I cleared that up, they maintained that they still had to ban him as he was a nonstudent and “involved”, although I explained that my boyfriend was not even present for the assault and my roommate confirmed this. They took him away to their office where I could only see him afterwards. After listening to us both, they said they were calling a grief counselor for my roommate. I was shocked, but they told me “look how much shes crying and how upset she is!” finally, they begrudgingly told me if i realllly wanted one, they would call a counselor for me. After speaking with him and filing a report, I was allowed to see my boyfriend, where I once again asked to call the police (my phone had died). In the meantime, they had discovered that my boyfriend had a previous ban on campus from 6 years before where a friend of his had pulled out a sign and they were all deemed guilty by association. I mention this for full disclosure, as I will never pretend to be perfect, and because it becomes relevant later, but anyone could clearly see that this had nothing to do with me (we didn’t even know each other at the time), and he had been signing in and out of my dorm for the entire year, providing picture ID, and nothing ever came up, so we assumed the charges had dropped over time.

They refused to let me call the police and told me if we did they would have my boyfriend arrested, but that I could come back the next day to call them. I wish I had realized at the time how illegal this was, but my parents lived in CT and GA, meaning my closest family member was over 200 miles away and couldn’t be by my side. Defeated and exhausted, we left, and returned the next day and called the police from their parking lot. Once we got inside to get the report to give to the police and they realized we had called, they called them back and had their police buddies come (director of public safety was a retired chief of nypd cop – her name is Karen O’Callahan). They took me in the back room alone, where they asked just a few questions and told me I was overreacting, and it was simple harassment and not assault – a sentiment that public safety repeated over and over. I was taking a legal studies class at this very school at the time, so I knew that it was in fact assault, and asked them if the school was teaching me misinformation. They told me god gave me two ears to listen twice as much as I speak, and to be quiet. They said if he was my boyfriend, they would arrest him immediately, but because he wasn’t it was much harder, something that makes no sense to me. They then told me that to be assault I would have to be deformed,and I wasn’t, but they could arrest him for harassment and throw him in jail, however, he could say I harassed him and the same would happen to me. At this point, I just wanted him to know this was not okay, so I said sure. I don’t mind. I will spend a night in jail if it means justice will come. They refused and called my father, telling him I would be put in jail overnight with rapists and murderers and I would be expelled. They left soon after for a call about a car crash, although I did not accept what they told me and wanted to have him arrested, and that was that.

I was completely defeated, but I followed so many different avenues; my teachers were supportive but couldn’t do much, however, they all sent out emails letting the school know I was a top student and this behavior was unacceptable, public safety permanently banned my boyfriend and refused to take me seriously, administrators passed me off until one Dean let me know I was facing a $100 fine for giving my boyfriend my room key, and another for ‘actions of guest’ (apparently taking me back to my dorm was somehow against code?). Meanwhile, my assaulter went through their kangaroo court where he was allowed to call witnesses and have a mentor and question me, but all I could do was answer his questions and give a “brief” synopsis.I was not allowed to ask him questions, call witnesses, submit the recorded conversation of the mediation where his girlfriend admits his aggressiveness and mild sociopathic tendencies, I couldn’t have anyone by my side and had to wait in the same lobby with his girlfriend and mother. He was banned from the dorm building I lived in, which wasn’t much of a punishment as his girlfriend had moved to another dorm. This also terrified me because according to Hofstra, my boyfriend had been banned the entire year, and yet was able to sign in and give ID and accompany me to my room every day without question. He was not suspended, not required to take classes, not taught any lesson.

The semester ended and I tried to enjoy summer and put it past me, but I spent so many days obsessing over it, trying to find another college, trying to heal. My dad spent a lot of time ruffling a lot of feathers, but we cooled off a bit as right after school ended, there was a tragedy involving one of the students at the school, and out of respect we did not want to muddle that situation as it was far more serious. I suppose to school took that as me backing off and accepting their ways.

As school got closer we talked to the dean of students who promised if I returned my attacker would be punished, my money would be reimbursed if I didn’t feel safe, and my boyfriend would be unbanned. Unsurprisingly, this was a load of crap designed to get me back in the school. His girlfriend and him walked by me multiple times a day, and on Tuesdays it became clear they knew my schedule of where I would be and would pass by multiple times, staring at me, giving dirty looks, making comments about “shes still here” “its not assault” “cant touch me”. They had tumblrs where things were written about me, but were deemed by the dean as unimportant because they didn’t name names, yet I came under attack for my boyfriend tweeting what had happened to me.

The attackers punishment was writing me the fakest apology letter I’ve ever seen (“i’m sorry YOU felt threatened”) and the rest didn’t happen. I withdrew about a month into school when he kept bothering me and it became clear that no one cared. WHY did I go back? I falsely believed in justice, in morals, I believed that my school cared about me and not just my money, and that clearly wrong behaviors would not go unpunished. We grow up learning that justice prevails and bad people are punished, that college is a haven and a place to feel safe.

I was told by police, deans, and administators that it was no big deal, i overreacted, that he learned his lesson, and that i needed to get over it. The dean of students told me it was disturbing that i was “so attached” to my boyfriend that i needed him to walk me between classes…when she knew it was because i felt scared every day. I reported a crime that I was sure would be taken care of, that I had no doubt wasn’t my fault, that I had witnesses to and occurred in my dorm room on a secure campus with public safety. And this is how I was treated. So don’t believe that laws protect everyone or that going to the authorities would’ve made everything rainbows and butterflies. This world is not a fairytale and sticking your head up your ass doesn’t change it. I felt worthless, sick, depressed, crazy, like a complainer, like a person who meant nothing. I still get sick when I think of it, and I still owe the school $13,000 for last semester because they refuse to help me and acknowledge that they told me I would get a full refund if I left – considering I left less than two months in. My space was violated and I cry multiple times a week when I think of the two of them at school, working on their degrees, and knowing that this behavior is fine as long as you put up the $50,000 a year. To all the girls and boys out there who’ve been beaten down and made to feel like their problem wasn’t big enough, I’m here for you. You are beautiful, and I’m sorry that our culture is fucked up, but we will find peace together. The school multiple times has told us to stop, and when I was attending they tried to punish me on multiple occasions for speaking the truth. I refuse to let my story go. When all of my teachers went out of their way to tell me that the school should be sued and that they were disgusted, when friends who have police officers in their family tell me this was completely against protocol and possibly illegal, when I read stories of the Department of Education cracking down on sexual assaults (which are much worse, of course), I feel hope. Hope that there is a chance that things will change. It is probably too late for me to receive the justice I craved, but if I can prevent one person from attending a school that will allow them to be attacked, if I can give hope to someone in my position, if I can draw attention and help be a part of a movement that will not allow this to happen at schools where we pay to be protected, it will all be worth it.

If you would like more info, please contact me here or at my email esoticoliona@gmail.com