THE Queen is frantically texting friends, family and courtiers to find out what the hell she got up to while blackout drunk last night.

So far, HRH Elizabeth II has texted Victoria Beckham, Princess Eugenie and the Dowager Countess of Carnarvon reading: ‘Hey! Great time last night! Where did we end up? Having a few memory problems LOL’, without reply.

Her Majesty said: “It’s nothing I’m sure. Everyone wakes up like this after a night on the sauce.

“Except I do have these flashes of leading a conga, and telling Serena Williams to shut up and get her arse out, and oh God were we doing shots of the 1818 Armagnac. Shit. Officially that belongs to the nation.

“And I think I might have really tested that bearskin guard thing where they’re not allowed to react. Like really tested. Like flashed one.

“Still nobody will say anything and if they do I’ll have them imprisoned for sedition, so I reckon I’ve got away with it. Fuck, my head.”

The reigning monarch was then surprised to see James Blunt emerging from her private bathroom wearing nothing but a towel.