Photo by Vlad Bagacian on Unsplash

This is My Coming of Age Story



At 15 years old, I began to question the Mormon church. My frustrations began with my father, and his constant need to lecture me about being a good Mormon. Secretly, I was also frustrated with the law of chastity. Desperate to be considered the good girl I had always been, I agonized over being told over and over how to live my life.

My first doubts had appeared a few years earlier when the man who molested me as a child was appointed the bishop of our congregation. I had spent my whole life convincing myself that the incident had never happened. I believed bishops were directly appointed by God. His “calling” to preside over families reinforced my sham theory that the molestation never happened. Even though I ignored it, the seed of doubt started there.

My teenage years were spent desperately waiting for age 18 when I could get out of my family home and out of the lecturing. By nature, I am an obedient and compliant person, thus I waited to come of age with causing as little waves as possible. Sadly, I couldn’t avoid being the cause of contention in our home completely, but somehow I made it through those depressing, suicidal years.

Finally an Adult!

In the fall after I turned 18, I was finally free to fly on my own. I went to Utah State University and moved into the dorms. I was paying my own way (through a small scholarship, grants, and students loans), and I was no longer under my father’s thumb.



This was the fall of 2004, and I was overjoyed to not be obligated to attend church. Yet, all of my roommates were believers who tried to convince me otherwise. I remember going to my student ward once, I made it about 30 minutes, and then went back to the dorm. The church was not for me.

Leaving the Mormon C hurch



When I decided to leave the Mormon Church, there wasn’t a wealth of knowledge on the internet as there is now. Or if it was all there, only some of it found its way to my computer. I did the research I needed to be personally convinced that my salvation wasn’t being sacrificed by my choices. Finally, I let go of the church.

To stay in the good graces of my family, I decided to keep my mouth shut about my loss of faith and utterly refused to discuss my beliefs with any believing Mormons.

I did go through a short angry period, but I explained my anger away. Pretty quickly I started missing the Mormon community and could never find something similar. My anger turned into loss, and I buried both emotions deep within my heart.

I didn’t need much “anti-Mormon” material to leave. Since my belief had dwindled before I moved away from home, only one or two “anti-Mormon” topics were enough to seal the deal. Now, there is a wealth of knowledge for seekers.

Young Marriage

The Mormon Church never completely left me, especially at first. There is pressure to marry young, and premarital sex is a big no-no. I convinced my first husband (who was never Mormon) to marry me too quickly. I wanted to pursue a relationsh ip with him, and I thought marrying him would help my family accept him. We were not a good match and lasted only two and a half years.

After my divorce, I moved 6 hours away from my family. The Mormon influence over me was gone (yeah right!) I was 23 and freer than I had ever been.

More Recent Discoveries



As the years went on, I suppressed all things Mormon. I stopped listening when my true-believing family tried to talk to me about it. Trying to be true to my family, I ignored any negative effects on me and only focused on the good things I had learned.



Then my dad died. He was the biggest “pusher” or “oppressor” in my life in respects to the church. My world came crashing down around me. I plummetted into all the hurt feelings I had revolving the church. I discovered there was a huge community of ExMormons and I joined and began to participate in that community.

In a way, I am thankful this happened. These repressed feelings have been holding me back in many ways. Awareness of the personal oppression I continued to perpetuate from the teachings of my father has blindsided me. My suppressed inner self began speaking to me, and I learned that part of my personality had been shut down. Particularly the part that wants to speak up when she disagrees with someone or a situation. That is why This is My Time to Speak.

I made my peace with leaving and then avoided ANYTHING church-related until recently. Now, with new awareness I know the next time I hear, “Oh you’re a Jack Mormon!” I can proudly reply, “No, I’m an apostate!”

Thanks for reading! I update my blog every weekend,* so I hope to see you back soon!

*Unless I’m sick! This last illness was a doozy! Sorry for the delay and thanks again for reading!!

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