Despite being a born and bred Arizona native, I refuse to ride in midday summertime heat. Call me what you will and I'm well acclimated, but it's like the A/C just doesn't kick on at all past 95 degrees. At high-noon on a clear day in AZ, try a little closer to 110 fahrenheit. You won't convince me even with no-drop, full-support including, but not limited to red, blue, clear, and various brown drinks on ice, plenty of ice. We had too much ice.

Ice, ice-water, and most iced beverages have been scientifically studied and suggested to aid in performance cooling, from the inside-out. You know this, and we're wise to it, which is why over the 3.5 mile, 1600ft climb we had three of the most plentiful cooling stops of your cycling salvation dreams. You don't even have to get off your bike. You want the water in you or on you? We've got you covered and cooled.

The Hell Ride altogether is a bit unconventional. Ok it's straight up Type II fun and sort of an expression of our "harmlessly" sadistic sense of humor. Full disclosure: not one participant didn't have fun. If you attended, you know this – State Bicycle Co. guarantees some proper fun. It's non-negotiable and whether or not you suffered, and you probably did, you just don't remember it that way.

One more thing, a Smirnoff Ice hand-up is also non-negotiable. When presented, or "iced", you must consume the arguably unanimously-loathed malt beverage entirely. Welcome to Hell Ride.

Proper climbing gear

Proper fire road transportation

Proper footwear

Proper hydration

Questionable hydration, proper adulting

Proper hydration instruction

Proper enthusiasm

Proper anticipation

These guys rode up after volunteering hand-up station 1

Proper hydration instruction v2.0 – our very own Bryan "B-Hard" Harding is a malt beverage connoisseur, unabashedly.

Proper form

Proper buddies

Proper particularity

Scott properly forced his cousin into The Hell Ride and here exhibits proper family support

Proper suffering

Academy Award-winning suffering

Proper finishes

Faces of victory

Choice bev

No choice

QOM

KOM

DFL

A masochist's podium

! ! !

Oil up and join us next year! As for the Smirnoff Icing, you've been warned.