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Welsh-language exit signs are causing paranoia among men called Allan.

That’s according to Allan DeLusion, who says that his life is becoming unbearable as a result of the signs.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“Everywhere I go, there’s a sign saying my name and then telling me where the exit is. It’s like someone’s trying to tell me something. I go shopping to Kwik Save to buy myself some Benny Hedgehogs and I see them. I go to the Job Centre to do very little and I see them. Worst places of all are car parks. As soon as I drive inside, there they are – those bloody signs telling where the exit is. What have they got against me? What about all the other Allans in the world? Do they feel the same way as me? Do they?”

Welsh-language activists have dismissed Mr DeLusion’s claims as bollocks and insist that it’s not all about Allan.

“Most men called Alan only have one ‘l’ in it. This arsehole comes along with two ‘l’s for some stupid reason and then thinks the whole world revolves around him. It doesn’t. It revolves around us and our determination to make sure that everything that’s ever been written in English is also written in Welsh. And you can translate that into Welsh too before you publish it.”

Allan is currently resting at home with social anxiety.