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Former News of the World editor Andy Coulson has firmly denied that asking a senior reporter investigating Callum Best to ‘do his phone’ suggested in an way tapping it or listening in on answer messages. Facing charges along with ‘evil Bonnie Langford’ Rebekah Brooks, Mr Coulson told the court

“When I said ‘do his phone’ I simply meant that he should do an impression of his phone. You know pretending to ring and vibrate for comedy effect. At the News of the World we used to love to round off a hard working day by impersonating electrical items. I had just done an impression of a photocopier and it was someone else’s turn.

“In truth though I simply meant that he should ‘do’ his phone. You know give it a proper seeing to. At the News of the World we used to love to unwind after finishing an exclusive by having rampant sex with an electrical item. I’d just done the photocopier earlier and it was someone else’s turn.

“In actual fact I meant that we should have his phone castrated and stop it breeding with other phones.

“But seriously, I merely meant that he could grind it up, chop it into lines and snort it whilst arranging the remaining debris into bags and selling it. At the news of the World we often consumed electronics in the same way you would illegal narcotics. I had just finished free basing the photocopier and now it was someone else’s turn.”

“I’m not going to get away with this am I?” he added.