THE Housewives head north to Byron Bay this week for Gamble and fiance Rick’s much-talked-about wedding.

It’s not the first trip down the aisle for either of them, and standing doe-eyed in front of her fiance atop Cape Byron, it seems Gamble hasn’t quite grasped that it’s generally frowned upon to start lining up your next wedding before you’ve even had this one:

“Maybe next time I’ll — oh wait, there IS no next time, this is our last wedding.”

“Bit of a slip there …” says Rick.

“Oh well I don’t know! Sorry …”

Down in Melbourne, Gina’s busy packing for the trip. She’s got a big responsibility on the day: she’s MCing the ceremony.

“Have you ever done that before? Do you need to do a course?” asks her permanently bewildered assistant Josh.

“No, I was going to, but I … didn’t have time,” she shrugs. Those Chemist Warehouse fragrances ain’t gonna sell themselves, kids.

Gina says that, if her MC stint is a success, she’d love to officiate at gay weddings. Fact fans, this is the Australian gay equivalent of that scene in Sex & The City 2 where Liza Minnelli sings at Stanford and Anthony’s wedding.

“Maybe I’ll marry you one day!” she tells Josh.

“I don’t think you have the parts to marry me,” he says, clearly misunderstanding.

“No, not MARRY you,” she says, earning her the 27th vacant look from Josh since his debut on the show:

Once she’s arrived in Byron, two days before the wedding, Gina joins Gamble and co. at the planned location for the ceremony — a pristine Byron Bay beach. Sounds perfect, except the weather prediction for the wedding day is dire, and designer-turned-wedding planner Alin (who has come dressed in a luxurious kingsize bedsheet) doesn’t have a wet weather contingency plan. In fact, he hasn’t even thought to organise a microphone for Gina to MC with.

Asked how he’ll salvage the situation if Gamble’s beach wedding is rained out, Alin says he’ll ‘pray to god.’

“We’re just gonna leave it till the last minute, see how the weather is and then hopefully we’re just gonna wing it,” Alin tells the wedding party. There is absolutely nothing in that sentence you would want to hear from your wedding planner.

Over drinks that evening in their hotel bar, Gina and Gamble relay the news that the wedding will take place on the beach despite the mounting threat of a tropical cyclone — and Professional Organiser Chyka is rightly concerned at Alin’s ‘She’ll be right’ attitude:

Asked to give an impromptu psychic reading about the nuptials — Will there be rain? Will they live happily ever after? — Jackie offers this: ‘I will say this, your wedding needs to be more organised.” Honestly, we’ve got chills.

“Sometimes Jackie’s ‘psychic vibes’ are a bit more like ‘stating the obvious,’” says Gamble.

Sitting down with Lydia in a quiet corner of the bar, Gamble admits to Lydia that she’s a little disappointed Jackie refused to offer a proper psychic reading ahead of her big day.

Lydia has a simple explanation.

“You know, it’s like me giving away advice for interior design and decoration — I mean, people pay for that,” says Lydia. Gamble doesn’t respond to this, but she doesn’t really have to:

Unconvinced Gamble’s got the message, Lydia brings it on home with another winning analogy:

“I mean, it’s like a butcher — you can’t be forever cutting up meat everywhere you go.” Good point well made, Lydia.

Gamble’s nerves mount as the night — and drinks — wear on. The odds seem high that some sort of natural disaster will ruin her special day.

“They’ve forecast rain, lightning … Pettifleur could start squealing like a raccoon.”

As predicted, Pettifleur is indeed squealing like a raccoon. She’s cornered Susie at the other end of the bar for a whinge about the fact that Gamble didn’t specify she’d be attending a beach wedding.

“I don’t want to get mud in my dress,” she fumes, apparently never having set foot on an actual beach before.

Meanwhile, can we talk about Pettifleur’s to-camera look this episode? It’s very ‘Mariah Carey Christmas Album’:

Gina’s providing further drama across the bar, announcing that the following evening — the night before the wedding — she’ll host a viewing party in her hotel room so everyone can watch her debut episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Yes, she’s using THIS reality TV show to shill for her stint on ANOTHER reality TV show. Clever cross-promotion or utterly shameless bid for attention? Duh Fred — both.

“I understand that she wants to watch her show — but is it the best thing to do when it’s your best friend’s wedding the next day? Probably not,” says Chyka.

The next day, the guests all meet up for a champagne breakfast — but Gamble’s having a bit of a wardrobe malfunction thanks to her Nomi Malone-esque outfit.

“Are my tits hanging out? I think I flashed my mother earlier,” she says, giving herself a good grope in the process.

“Can I fix your nipple?” Gina offers.

“You actually just go in and you [Gina reaches down the front of Gamble’s dress, fiddling away with her nips] push them THAT way. There we go.”

“She can bounce ‘em around, tuck ‘em in, tuck ‘em out, pull ‘em back in,” Gamble says, apparently hoping for a quick Sapphic fling before she ties the knot.

That evening, the guests rally for one final booze-up before the wedding — and the severe storms set in. Lydia has her usual way with words: “Can you imagine the bride with wet hair? She’s gonna look like a … RAT with wet hair.”

“Oh, there’s no doubt that Gamble’s wedding will be flattened by the rain. Who knows how it’ll turn out?” says Pettifleur, barely concealing her glee.

The night’s barely begun, but Gina’s already saying goodnight to go watch herself on telly in her room. Not that she admits it, of course — she tells Gamble she’s retiring early to spend some quality time with her sons.

The next morning, Janet and Jackie are up early and cracking open another bottle of champers for breakfast (hopefully there’s a nice Byron health retreat they can go get their stomachs pumped post-wedding). As they compare notes about the previous evening, it emerges that Gina not only left the party early, she also lured about a dozen wedding guests back to her hotel room for her little screening.

“I don’t think that Gina gives a s**t about Gamble at this wedding,” says Janet.

Gina joins Gamble and Rick for a final run-through of the plans for the ceremony. Bathed in a warm post-Celebrity Apprentice glow, she instead spends the meeting rattling off all the fawning tweets she’s received overnight. It’s ... not a good look.

“She’s just not there at the moment,” Gamble notes.

No matter, because the wedding has finally arrived, and the skies are miraculously clear. The sand is also strangely dry. Wait a minute, wasn’t Byron Bay besieged by tropical storms mere hours ago? Hmmm.

Gamble walks the sand-aisle arm in arm with her close friend, artist Charles Billich. The production team have spared no expense, even throwing in a few drone shots and some swelling violin music to give this the full royal wedding treatment:

“I’m giddy with happiness. This is one of the most beautiful moments of my life. The best is yet to come,” says Gamble. Ain’t that the truth:

NEXT WEEK — the wedding reception. More rain, a wedding cake disaster and a confrontation about Gina’s Celebrity little viewing party that ends with Gina advising the other women to go f**k themselves.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens Sundays 8:30pm on Foxtel’s Arena Channel. Check back right after next week’s episode for our full recap. In the meantime, chat all things Housewives with recapper Nick Bond — who probably doesn’t have the right parts to marry anyone tbh — on Twitter at @bondnickbond.