Travel Tips | ∞ Posted by Rob on November 11, 2013 in Destinations



Twitter is quite the big deal these days, especially since their recent IPO. One thing that you can count on Twitter for is spectacular commentary – or at the very least, incredibly witty and sarcastic tweets by anyone and everyone.

We’ve taken the time to root through the history of Twitter to uncover some of the funniest tweets about travel. And let me tell you, these tweets are seriously funny! From the TSA to family vacations, you’ll find plenty of funny tidbits worthy of a retweet.

And here they are…

Getting up at 4 AM to fly to Ireland and visit a Guinness factory. Because remembering vacations is lame, that’s why. — Katie Rose (@katefeetie) September 17, 2009

Woman across from me at the airport is breastfeeding. To show support, I took my shirt off and made strong eye contact. — patrickborelli (@patrickborelli) January 2, 2010

Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night. — Meaghan O’Connell (@meaghano) December 27, 2009

Now boarding Delta’s 8:55 Shrieking Infant Express with continuing service to Anger, Resentment & Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomies. — Jelisa Castrodale (@gordonshumway) November 7, 2009

Guy next to me on the plane woke up and is wiping the drool off his shirt. Now may be a good time to tell him I drooled all over his shirt. — Rafael Torres (@rafitorres) January 21, 2010

Someday I’ll tell my kids I was on a Greyhound bus rolling thru historic downtown Prescott, Ontario, when Rob Ford admitted smoking crack. — Eva Holland (@evaholland) November 5, 2013

A komodo dragon just ate my passport — Champagne Guapi (@diplo) January 17, 2010

PSA: travel-sized lube & hand sanitizer are virtually indistinguishable! You should know this before you offer either to strangers. — Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) December 28, 2009

Being incarcerated at Alcatraz must have been an absolute nightmare. I keep losing my 3G signal. — Jason Sweeney (@sween) January 23, 2010

English translation of animal crackers at a Hong Kong supermarket: “Biscuit-shaped animals.” Something got lost in translation. — Diana Kuan (@dianakuan) April 19, 2009

Another hard-won travel tip: If you are wearing black pants, do not, repeat, do not let a donkey rub its itchy forehead on your thigh. — Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) April 24, 2009

I think I have post-holiday recession. — Tom Bodett (@TomBodett) December 28, 2012

Driving in a radio-only rental car reveals an ineplixable and embarrassing knowledge of Celine Dion songs. — Stephanie (@CcSteff) December 28, 2009

I’m two time zones away from home, which means I’m petrified of turning on the TV and accidentally seeing Leno. — Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 12, 2009

Family reunion in Arkansas. Packing condoms because, you know, clichés. — Jordan Peterson (@dysolution) July 9, 2009

There should be a law: You’re flying commercial and arrive at airport wearing Polo cologne — mandatory shower at security checkpoint. — Clinton Kelly (@clinton_kelly) May 25, 2010

I’m not sure if I just went through security to enter the United States, or security to be incarcerated.Two cops felt my tits simutaneously. — kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) January 15, 2010

I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints. — Michael LeRoux (@lefauxfrog) February 21, 2010

Southwest airlines is like my period. It hurts my back and it’s always late. — Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) July 3, 2010

What does the male flight attendant want from me with these jokes? A tip? A nod of approval? Tell me! WHAT?!!! — Kevin Biggins (@TheBiggIdea) May 20, 2010

US Airways is like the Chinatown bus of the sky. — Sarah Morrison (@SarahMorrison) July 7, 2010

I scream at airport police to look on their video for the guy who just stole my purse. The video shows me putting my purse in my suitcase. — Penelope Trunk (@penelopetrunk) March 24, 2009

Just checked into the nicest hotel room I’ve ever stayed in, but there’s a snorer! Next door? Above? At least…THAT HAD BETTER BE SNORING. — Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) March 30, 2010

Sometimes I just want to sell everything I own and go backpacking through IKEA. — Luckyshirt (@luckyshirt) October 24, 2013

Our hotel is hosting a mime convention and I can’t sleep. Knowing mimes are having sex nearby gives me the creeps. — Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) June 8, 2010

I just gave Hotel Rwanda one star on hotels.com — Jordan Rubin (@jordanrubin) May 14, 2010

Do the Pamplona running of the bulls on acid. #bucketlist — CJ Werleman (@cjwerleman) May 22, 2013

One month till Cambodia/Vietnam. Aborted this trip in ’05 due to uncontrolled weight loss. For luck, bacon cheeseburger diet commencing now. — Leif Pettersen (@leifpettersen) December 13, 2012

A little known fact about Rosetta Stone is that they sell a social skills lesson called “Beer”. — Michael Pierce (@OverlandParker) June 23, 2010

Best part of vacation so far – spending hours online in a totally different place. — Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 2, 2010

Dude is sitting in a convertable on a ferry. That’s how you know you’ve made it, when you travel by car and by boat at the same time. — Almie Rose (@apocalypstick) July 22, 2010

Day 3 at the beach: I achieve redhead levels of awkward sunburn lines. — Stephanie (@CcSteff) June 7, 2010

Man do I ever have the post-vacation blues. Re-entry is a sonuvabitch. — Linda (@Sundry) July 19, 2013

Mile 100 of a 600 mile trip with 4 kids and my Air Conditioner just stopped working. Look for me on Cops. — ruthakers (@ruthakers) July 1, 2010

I would like to apologize to the people of glorious Italy where I sometimes like to vacation. I love-a your spicy meat-a bolls! — Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) September 15, 2010

TSA told me my Xbox controller had a residue of an illegal substance on it and to wipe it down before I travel. Stay snitchin Microsoft. — Ronald Funches (@RonFunches) July 3, 2013

today, in 1692, the salem witch hunt was started, what we today call “TSA screenings” — Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) March 1, 2012

What if “terrorists” were made up by Big Pharma to get us to throw out shampoo at the airport & buy travel sizes? Follow the money, sheeple — Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) April 2, 2011

Travel advisory: if you are playing a ukulele in your hotel room in St Paul at midnight, the hotel WILL send secuirity to ask you to stop — John Cranberrysauce (@hodgman) June 19, 2010

Next week I travel to Omaha to find out what “Git r done” means. — Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) September 25, 2012

who says train travel isn’t exciting! someone just pooped on the floor of our train! — lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 25, 2011

My blonde girlfriend wants to go on vacation to Spain. I saved money & booked a trip to Mexico. She’ll never notice. — david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) December 7, 2012

When Eric Clapton needs clothes for a concert, he borrows my mother’s travel wear. — John Mulaney (@mulaney) August 19, 2012

AXE secretly paying #TSA agents to search male travelers for “dirty gear” and distribute @AXE coupons to offenders. #cnn — Neil Hamburger (@NeilHamburger) November 22, 2010

I’m always slightly bummed when my car hits 88mph and I don’t travel back in time. — Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) March 12, 2012

Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids. — Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 13, 2012

People at airport complaining TV is too loud. Can’t wait to see their faces when I pull out my TRAVEL KETTLE DRUMS! — TODD BARRY (@toddbarry) February 1, 2012

It doesn’t make me feel safer when the TSA takes my yogurt. — Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 19, 2013

Going on vacation. Can’t wait to unplug from phone, email, and NSA. — Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) August 16, 2013

Vacation resort rule number one: Apparently, if you place a towel on a chair, you own said chair forever. — Mike Scully (@scullymike) December 27, 2011

I only travel by hot air balloon. — Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) February 18, 2013

I like to wear a fun sock when I travel to give the guys at security a well-deserved chuckle — Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) December 29, 2010

Travel Tip: Don’t lick everything. — Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) February 8, 2012

I can’t believe that a CIA contractor would lie to so many people about his travel plans. — Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) June 24, 2013

On my deathbed I’ll be so glad I watched tons of tv & didn’t travel. — Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) September 12, 2010

When I travel I’m a real poo mule. — Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled) October 8, 2013

Instead of making anyone travel for Thanksgiving, this year the O’Briens will have a tense, silent meal over Skype. — Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 25, 2010

I’m just like Anthony Bourdain in that I travel often and uncomfortably & occasionally eat insect parts; however, no one’s filming it. — Paul F. THANKSkIVING (@PFTompkins) June 29, 2013

“In retrospect, I was the Ralph Malph of that flight…” — me, telling my grand kids about today’s travel — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 16, 2012

If Autocorrect was a person I would never go on a vacation with it. — Paula Pell (@perlapell) May 18, 2012

I know I should be relieved I didn’t get felt up by TSA, but now I just feel unloved. — Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 21, 2011

Dude across from me on flight to Nashville just took the #3 spot on my Top Ponytails of All Time list. — Aziz Ansari (@azizansari) April 20, 2012

I’m on vacation!!!!!! Oh wait no I’m just in a Jamba Juice — Jamie Lee (@TheJamieLee) May 1, 2013

gotta renew my passport cuz I’m about to TRAVEL INTERNATIONAL Y’ALL (to a country with a large population of English speakers) — Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) March 23, 2013

Just went through the insecurity line at the airport. Pretty sure I did it wrong. — Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) April 28, 2013

Just had as big of a meltdown a person can have in an airport without getting detained. — Joe Mande (@JoeMande) March 18, 2012

Update: cute new girl at work who I thought heard me fart did NOT hear me fart. But she did hear me say I put a travel shampoo in my bum. — rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 20, 2012

Got any funny tweets?