CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the year was still 2012. “I was worried I would open my eyes and it would be 1954,” said 31-year-old Lauren Mercer, stating that is was a “huge weight off [her] shoulders” to get out of bed and find herself in the present day, instead of transported back to a time when equal pay in the workplace was deemed taboo and abortion was illegal. “The first thing I did was look at the newspaper and turn on the news, and thankfully I could tell by what I read and heard that it was still the 21st century.” Echoing the sentiments of all 157 million American females, Mercer said that while she was grateful upon learning what year it was, she had to admit that living in the year 2012 was still quite frightening.

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