Top 10 Dangerous Pokemon IRL

By Oglemi . Art by Yilx

Introduction:

Let's face it, we've all been there. You're sitting in some boring class with the teacher with the most monotone voice you've ever heard, and you begin daydreaming to escape into a different world that won't kill you from the doldrum. And, again admit it, you begin daydreaming about what it would be like if Pokémon were real. It'd be so cool right?! Say you don't agree with what your teacher is blabbing on about, so you challenge them to a Pokémon battle just to shut them up and in the process make a quick buck. And hell, why would you even be in school? You get to leave home at the age of 10 and catch your own animal-slaves to do your bidding for you, and if you're extra good at commanding said slaves, you never have to get a real job!

But you have to wonder, what would it be like if Pokémon were real? Would it be like in the anime, where even though the Pokémon get electrocuted and burned on a regular basis, they still come out totally unscathed and nonchalant at the end of the day? Or would it be like how the Pokédex describes it, and Pokémon battles were actual death matches between the two critters and daily life depended on whether or not the local swarm of Dugtrio decided to Earthquake your town into oblivion? Well, assuming that our world kept the same physics and logic, it would probably be a lot like the latter, since I don't remember the last time I got burnt to a crisp from an electrical shock and was able to shake it off as if it were a daily occurrence. In this world even the most unassuming, adorable orange lizard can spew fire hot enough to literally melt your face off, and other little green dinosaurs can shoot leaves sharp enough to cut you in half. In this crazily dangerous world of instant death creatures, where your only defense against them is to somehow catch them with a little ball and subsequently befriend them (which isn't always guaranteed either), or fight them with your own little instant death creature, there would definitely be some Pokémon a cut above the rest that you would need to keep a special eye out for. This is the guide to those special cases of super dangerousness.

10. Gilgar / Gliscor

While Gligar and Gliscor don't really scream "OMG so terrifying!!" like a lot of other Pokémon do, their blasé look masks a different kind of terror with wings. It's not that Gligar and Gliscor will rush you head on and crush you with brute strength, or cut you in half or something, like a bear or an elephant would if we're comparing them to animals of the real world. No, they're exactly like the ninjas they mimic. The smaller one likes to swoop down when you least expect it and SMACK!, suddenly you have a Gligar clamping down on your face with its pincers, stabbing you with its poison-filled barb located on its tail. What's worse, you won't even see it coming! They're supposedly silent fliers, so you could be just hanging out in the middle of town, minding your own business, maybe chatting up some hottie, when suddenly you have Gligar pincer and tail all up in your face! There doesn't even seem to be any motive! It's not like you're tearing up its habitat, or that it has plans to eat you; no, it just attacks your face purely out of spite.

Gliscor, on the other hand, probably does plan to you eat you. Just like Gligar, you won't hear it coming, and it doesn't even have to try to catch you since it can just float on any kind of breeze. Just read its HGSS Pokédex entry: "Its flight is soundless. It uses its lengthy tail to carry off its prey... Then its elongated fangs do the rest." So, in short, it's like a vampire that doesn't even need to stop on its way to have a meal, just anybody on the street is basically a McDonald's drive-through whenever it gets hungry. Good luck protecting yourself from that!

9. Aggron

Pretty much the opposite of Gligar and Gliscor, Aggron you would definitely see coming, and it probably would crush you with its brute strength and/or cut you in half. Let's think about what Aggron actually is for a moment: a 6'11" bipedal triceratops with a metal-plated skull and hide, a massive tail, metal-plated fists, and—I don't think this can be stressed enough—a STEEL skull with not just one, but THREE horns ready to smash your body into pieces. Let's not forget that it can also shoot Ice Beams and Thunderbolts when it really comes down to it. While Aggron is pretty slow (I mean come on it's an armor-plated bipedal triceratops, of course it's slow), meaning you could probably outrun it if your life depended on it, a problem arises when you think about where you would actually run into an Aggron in the real world. Aggron are typically found deep inside mountains, munching on iron and whatever other metals they happen to find tasty, meaning in order to run into one, you'd have to be deep enough inside the mountain to be near them. While this cuts down on the number of Aggron you'd run into in your everyday life, it also means that Aggron would be in their element when you did run into them in the mountain. Imagine you're mining in some mountain, looking for those godforsaken Shards if you're in Sinnoh and you need some Heart Scales or something, when suddenly you turn a corner and lo and behold, a nearly 7 foot Aggron is staring you down. What do you do? You can't fight it head on; that steel-and-three-horned Head Smash will annihilate you and whatever adorable Pokémon you have with you, and good luck trying to run out the way you came in in the dark. You could try to catch it, but I have a feeling any Poké Ball is just going to bounce off it. Long story short: don't go mining if Pokémon are real. Aggron will obliterate you.

8. Sharpedo

Cruise ships are a blast, in theory anyway. Two full weeks of nothing but sweet, sweet Caribbean sun, endless buffets, and cool entertainment. Unfortunately, if Pokémon were real, there probably wouldn't be very many cruise ship companies. The reason for this? None other than the terror of the deep known as Sharpedo. While most sharks are harmless from the top of a boat deck (unless its name is Jaws or Mega Shark), Sharpedo just outright doesn't care about your hunk of floating metal, and will tear right through the hull just because it can. Imagine what that would be like while you're on the ship. You're floating along sipping a martini with the cheesy umbrella in the glass, when suddenly, the whole boat rocks like it just hit an iceberg. While you're planning your survival a la Titanic, you suddenly realize that you couldn't have possibly hit an iceberg in the middle of the Caribbean. Then the captain announces over the PA: "This is your captain speaking. It seems that we've come upon a school of Sharpedo and they've ripped straight through our hull. The ship is now sinking. Please stay calm and get in the lifeboats." So, you get in the lifeboat only to realize that, not only did the Sharpedo just rip straight through the metal hull of a giant ship, there was a school of them, and you're now lowering into the ocean in a tiny little raft with them. Not to mention that they can swim up to 75 mph. In short: don't go on cruises if Pokémon are real. Sharpedo will eat you.

7. Pinsir / Scyther

I put these two together because when you get right down to it, they are both going to do the exact same thing to you for the exact same reason, just with different methods. So you're out in the tall grass with your shorts and your butterfly net, ready to catch you some Caterpie. Why you want a Caterpie I don't know, maybe because they're adorable. Anyway, you're out trying to nab you a Caterpie, when suddenly a Pinsir jumps out in front of you. Quicker than you can react, it has you in between its pincers. And... then it does what it does best; if it doesn't outright crush you in half it'll proceed to swing you around and toss you like the ragdoll you are, watching as you land in a mangled heap of broken bones. I hate to think about what would happen after that. Does Pinsir proceed to eat you? Its mouth is crazy, so I can't imagine it'd be fun to lie on the ground and watch as you get eaten alive by the psycho stag beetle that just owned you for no particular reason other than you're carrying a butterfly net around (not like you were going to catch it with one anyway).

Scyther isn't much more pleasant. It's far quicker than Pinsir, and is perfectly camouflaged in the long grass to the point where it's invisible. And then, before you know what happened to you, you've been cut in half by its scythes like a piece of sushi. And being cut clean in half isn't fun... At least I can't imagine it'd be, fish and other animals don't really seem to enjoy it. Moral of the story: the Caterpie black market trade may be illustrious due to the lack of people willing to brave the wilderness of giant killer bugs, but it's probably best to avoid the tall grass if at all possible.

6. Primeape

So, Primeape marks the point on the list where meeting up with these dangerous Pokémon becomes less circumstantial, and all the more dangerous. Imagine you're out for a walk in the park or throwing a frisbee around with some friends, when you disturb the nest of a Primeape. Most Pokémon you could possibly avoid in some way by maybe hopping on a bike and riding away, or fighting them off in some manner (using your fire-breathing puppy probably wouldn't be a bad option against most obstacles you meet on your way), but Primeape is different. No matter how far you run, no matter how determined you are to get away, Primeape will hunt you down until you're either dead or maimed by it in some manner. In the Pokémon world there seems to be an almost complete lack of motorized vehicles, so it's hard to determine to just what lengths Primeape will go to hunt you down. Maybe getting in a car and driving away will be enough to get away from this berserk ape, maybe not. The only thing that's certain is you cannot run away from it by traditional means. As soon as you bother one you'll never get away from it. It will always be following you. Always chasing. Always right behind you, anywhere and at any time. Talk about mental and physical fatigue. Have fun on your Pokémon adventure with this thing roaming the planet!

5. Electrode

Along the same lines as Primeape, running away from this Poké Ball / TNT hybrid on crack is probably going to be a fruitless endeavor. Why an Electrode would be attacking you in the first place is beyond me. Maybe it was feeding off the electricity of your house and you went outside and started beating it with a tennis racket because you didn't want your electricity bill to get too high. As one of the fastest Pokémon around, it's sure to be able to steamroll right over whatever it feels like at extremely high speeds. Even if you were to somehow get out of flattening range, it can just shoot Thunderbolts at you. And good luck fighting back or trying to catch it after having clubbed it with a tennis racket. As soon as you get close to bringing the sucker down it'll just explode, probably killing you and whatever adorable Pokémon you're using to try and catch it, along with your house! This tendency to just explode when the going gets tough is what puts Electrode a step above the other Electric-type Pokémon you're likely to meet on your adventure. Just for the love of all that's holy, don't mistake a 3 foot-high thunderball of death for a regular Poké Ball. If you do I'll probably never respect you again, assuming you even survive the encounter. And no, I would not cry at your funeral. What were you going to do with a giant Poké Ball anyway? Catch giant Pokémon? You wouldn't even be able to throw it or lug it anywhere so the whole point of doing so would be asinine. Come on man I thought you were smarter than that...

4. Machamp

Most Fighting-type Pokémon have a way to severely mutilate your body, usually in the form of broken bones. Hitmonlee can kick your shins in two. Hitmonchan will shatter your rib cage with a punch. Mienshao will whip you (well maybe that wouldn't be so bad). Anyway, Machamp is a cut above the rest. Firstly, it has FOUR arms, not just your average two, making for a total of six limbs with which to clobber you. Secondly, those four arms can throw 1,000 punches in just 2 seconds. I can't even punch twice effectively in 2 seconds, to put it in perspective. Thirdly, just one arm has the strength to move a mountain, according to the Yellow Pokédex entry anyway. So, it could just be casually leaning up against a mountain, showing off his muscles to a lady Machamp, when the mountain goes sliding into a town nearby. Not like it's going to feel any remorse for it anyway. Those weaklings should have been able to push the mountain back. Wimps. Lastly, Machamp's punches are strong enough to send you clear over the horizon. The best I could do with a punch is maybe drop you to your knees by knocking you in the gonads. Imagine getting punched so hard in the nuts you get sent flying over the horizon. Talk about adding insult to injury.

You could probably shoot at this four-armed lizard bodybuilder hybrid with a machine gun and not even faze it; in fact it would probably just punch the bullets right out of the air. Tanks? Pssh, it'll just punch it over onto its side. I mean, the thing is so cocky it just walks around in its underwear at all times. Like it really cares about your modern-day weaponry. Living in a world with multiple Machamp would be like living on a planet where a whole horde of Incredible Hulks could come crashing through your home at any moment and send you and your family flying. In fact, Machamp is probably just about as smart as a crazed-up Hulk, just with a more flattering ensemble. Prepare to bow down to our Machamp overlords when Pokémon are real.

3. Chandelure

I put Chandelure this high on the list not because of its immediate dangerousness, but because of the downright evilness of its habits and the state it'll eventually leave the planet in over an extended amount of time. The evilness? It burns spirits, and then leaves the body, which is now nothing more than a husk, an empty shell, behind. So, not only are you now dead, but you don't even get to enjoy the afterlife! What kind of a dick move is that? Can you imagine just how crazy religion would get with Chandelure lurking around every corner? Save your soul before Chandelure gets it! Just imagine the sheer public panic caused by this jack-o-lantern of terror haunting the streets. Not even your soul is safe from it! At least dying from other means of death leaves you with something when all is said and done. But not with Chandelure!

Plus, it's not really clear what happens to your body after a good soul burning. Are you really dead, or just brain-dead? Are you now a zombie? I don't I need to explain just how bad a planet of zombies can get. And if you're brain-dead, then the whole issue of who has to take care of you comes into question, and eventually the amount of brain-dead people would become a strain on the economy and health industry. And if you can't get rid of Chandelure, then you can assume everybody at some point is going to get their soul burned. Truly a horrible future to look forward to.

2. Ditto

Ditto creates a different kind of dangerousness if Pokémon are real. A dangerousness that strikes right at the fabric of social stability. For argument's sake let's say that when Ditto takes the form of a human, it can also talk like a human as well. Imagine a world where you can never really trust anyone because they may in fact be a Ditto. Suddenly, identify theft becomes much more lucrative and easy to do when you can make an exact clone to do your bidding for you. Then there comes the question of, if Ditto transforms into a human, do you still own it if you have caught it? If it were smart enough, it would claim abduction to the police if it transforms into a human. Heck, if Ditto is smart enough it could become supreme overlord of the world if it really wanted to. Just the sheer potential of what Ditto could do if it can really take on the form of anything and anyone is truly terrifying. It could easily sneak into the President's bed chamber as a bug, take out the President, and then assume his or her form. From there, all it has to do is rule the country with an iron fist or get the defense council to go to war with some other country. In fact the whole council of Generals could all be Ditto! Ditto could even become mobile and agile weapons of mass destruction if they can transform into nuclear missiles (assuming they can change their chemical structure that is). Either that or they could transform into an army of Electrode. Not to mention they could breed their own army of adorable death creatures to do their bidding. Scary stuff!

1. Gyarados

So what could possibly be more dangerous than Ditto and Machamp overlords or a zombie horde created by Chandelure? Nothing other than the master of the seas itself: Gyarados. At this point in history it's a no-brainer that whoever controls the sea and air in a conflict is usually the winner. Gyarados owns both and more (well it's part Flying-type anyway, I can only assume it can fly at least a little bit, maybe it uses its ear fins like Dumbo?). Imagine an army of Gyarados going insane and laying waste to whatever coastal city just so happens to piss them off on that particular day. It doesn't really need to be a coastal city if there's a river connecting the city in question to the sea. While a lot of Pokémon probably have the power to destroy a whole city, none are quite as mobile as Gyarados. One day they're turning NYC to rubble, and the next they're knocking on San Francisco. What's more, they can appear in any body of water where Magikarp happen to be. And Magikarp happen to be just about everywhere in the Pokémon universe, meaning that Gyarados will probably find a way to be everywhere in the real world if Pokémon are real. That means that at any point, anywhere, a Gyarados can burst out of the water and completely destroy whatever it damn well pleases. And there would be no reasoning with Gyarados. They're giant sea serpents with the power to annihilate a metropolis. Why would they care what you have to say? Universal, destructive, huge, crazy, and non-negotiable. Gyarados would truly be the most dangerous Pokémon if they were real.