The Impotent Satyr

"I know this monkey is useless, but its slow repetitive climbing puts me at ease while these chemicals eat away at my flesh."

The Evergreen State College is currently under two investigations from the US Department of Labor, according to the campus' news outlet, The Cooper Point Journal .





Employees have lodged complaints, claiming to be dealing with harmful materials without proper training. And worst of all, the administration has provided the workers on the front lines with only LEGO Technic sets to deal with the numerous contaminants and hazards they face daily from machines installed in the 1970s.





"When a bunch of lime green fluid spilled out of a pipe in the wall, I had no idea what it was, and I was given an Excavator set to put together to clean it up," an employee we'll call Sparkles McFadden (to preserve their anonymity) told The Impotent Satyr. "When I finally got the thing built, I couldn't even power it because I needed four AA batteries, and the school only provided me with two." When they took the issue to the higher-ups, Sparkles was told that they needed to purchase more batteries out of their own pocket. "Even after powering it up with some batteries I found in a smoke detector, the little yellow bucket on the excavator only picks up, like, a teaspoon at a time!" And to where does this unknown fluid go? Sparkles McFadden was given an orange plastic jack o' lantern bucket for use as a receptacle. "It still had candy wrappers inside from last year's Halloween!"





Another employee, who insisted we call them Dirtbike, even to their face, received a Technic set that didn't seem to alleviate their workplace conundrum in the slightest. "They gave me a monkey that maneuvers across a string," Dirtbike told us, throwing their hands up in the air. "I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."



