Just when you thought fake teen drug scares couldn't get any stupider, Ohio local news brings us beezin, in which kids rub Burt's Bees lip balm on their eyelids.

"A new trend among teens may be concerning to parents," warns Newsnet5 Cleveland, with a blatant disregard for both research and grammar.

Most people think of Burt's Bees lip balm as just that—lip balm, but experts say teens have found a new use for it. A new viral trend called "beezin" is apparently making the rounds. "Beezin" is when a person applies a light layer of Burt's Bees natural lip balm wax on their eyelids.

News accounts can't decide whether the tingle of menthol on delicate tissues is a pleasant complement to being buzzed—"Some who do 'beezin' said it adds to the experience of being drunk or high"—or a standalone activity—"others said it helps to keep them alert."

If I had to guess, I'd say beezin is probably most popular at rainbow parties after drinking hand sanitizer and butt-chugging some vodka. But that's just speculation, so I'd better not publish it in a respected news source, right?

Let's suspend disbelief for a second and imagine this trend is actually real. What then? Will our nation's teens be ruined? Will the Russians beat us to space? Let's go to the experts:

"The peppermint oil in the lip balm is a very strong irritant and can cause inflammation in the eye redness of the eye swelling," Dr. Brett Cauthen told WNWO's sister station KOKH in Oklahoma City. The eye is one of the most sensitive parts of the body and 'Beezin' could cause pink eye-like symptoms.

Temporarily puffy eyes? Nooooooooo!

Just to make sure we hit all the components of the classic teen scare story, let's throw in some social media fearmongering, shall we?

There's no way on god's earth the [VIDEO] mentioned in that hed was produced sincerely (if you watch to the end, the makers actually note that it's a parody), but that has not stopped news outlets from linking to this masterpiece with sincere alarm: