On Teddy Roosevelt’s famous Amazon River expedition, a man in his group was attacked by the toothpick fish. The toothpick fish, as it’s known to do, entered his penis and lodged itself in his urethra.

I’ve often wondered how I would handle myself if I had been that man. Use a knife to dislodge the creature? Leave the group to find a medicine man? End my life rather than share my urethra?

I’d gamed out a similar worst case scenario relating to what I’d do if I were hacked and my cryptocurrency were at risk. More accurately I’d had a number of terrifying daydreams which left me feeling like a potential victim — but no action plan was developed.

Then last week, right after I finished reading about phone hijackings and spear fishing I received a text from my wife. She said that someone from an unknown IP address had signed into her google account. Should we be concerned?

I knew immediately that I needed to pull over before I could take next steps. Once safely to the side of the freeway I screamed at the top of my lungs. Then as part of my data gathering, I texted my wife a series of expletive filled sentences with question marks, misspellings and riot inducing phrases.

Mind you, my wife doesn’t have access to our crypto from her devices alone. I knew rationally that a bad actor could not steal it by gaining access to her email. But really, who knows what kind of strange new hack they’ve come up with. I found it hard to be rational when there was real money at stake and I hadn’t properly battened down the hatches.

The folks at my exchange were pros. I emailed their customer service line with the subject “URGENT: POTENTIAL HACK” and they responded immediately. My account was frozen as a precaution. God help me when I try to unfreeze it. I’m prepared to provide a blood sample, a retina scan and mole identification. Anything to keep my precious safe.

The culprit in this case was my twelve year old son who signed into my wife’s account at school to upload a YouTube video. That little bastard sure is lucky that I love him so much.

I should have known better. I work in blockchain/cryptocurrency. I’m familiar with safety best practices. I’m aware of the threats and the responsible precautions. I figured I’d plug the holes in my security protocol at some point, but I’m too busy right now, OK?

If I had a system in place to protect my assets against any type of intrusion I wouldn’t have freaked out when I thought our family security had been breached. If you’ve delayed taking action to secure your crypto, whether you keep it on your own device, or on an exchange, don’t procrastinate any longer.

My hysterics didn’t sit well with my wife whom I had only recently convinced that owning cryptocurrency was responsible and rather prudent. My scream texting “This could be a VERY BIG DEAL…” was a setback to the Charles Schwab-like persona I’d been cultivating when describing how Ether and Bitcoin will add to the long term well being of our family. But she’s a gamer and she’s back on board.

For those of you still too scared to make even a small investment in crypto — this may be too much car for you. The existence of hackers taking advantage of carelessness is not pleasant, for sure. But the gaps are being plugged, security best practices are being adopted, and if you take simple and easy steps as outlined in numerous security pieces, you will be perfectly fine. If you are risk adverse to a fault, this may not be enough for you.

The volatility and jagged edges of the crypto markets are what it feels like to be in early. It’s not comfortable, but if you can make it down a few rapids that look scarier than they really are, the river opens up. You have a chance at 30x returns (arbitrary number provided by me).

Braving a few incredulous looks from friends who ask “is Bitcoin legal?” is a small price to pay. (And yes, it is… and BTW, the price has gone up more than 200% in 2016, and you haven’t seen anything yet).

It turns out that stories about toothpick fish attacking swimmers in rivers are mostly apocryphal. Only an extremely small number of poor souls have been breached in the most despicable way by this tiny monster. But if I were planning a swim in the Amazon I’d still wear a cup, to be on the safe side.