Significant strides were made in the world of international emoji understanding this week, with the publication of a groundbreaking report. Swiftkey, a British software company, trawled through “more than 1bn pieces of emoji data” to extract some enlightening trends in global emoji use across speakers of 16 different languages.

While the world is still processing the findings, many Canadians are expected to react by texting each other smiling piles of poop. I don’t mean to besmear Canada; it got itself into this situation. According to the Swiftkey report, Canada uses the “smiling poop” emoji more than any of the other countries that were surveyed. It appears to be the visual equivalent of “eh” for the digital-savvy Canuck.

‘Italians are the most prolific users of the banana.’

Eh? You may be wondering. Who would have expected these sort of scatological statistics from Canada? It’s supposed to be so polite, so clean and so boring. Well, as you may have already twigged from Canada’s most famous export, Justin Bieber, the country has a dark side. One that is vividly played out in emoji. As well as being disproportionately fond of faeces, the emoji categories in which Canada leads the world are: violent; body parts; money; sports; raunchy; ocean creatures. There’s a Bieber song in that somewhere.

Canada’s emoji use sheds interesting new light on its domestic character, but what insights are to be gleaned from the national emoji of other countries?

Here is a short sociological survey of the world, as interpreted through emoji:

American men are like eggplants, Italian men are like bananas. US English speakers are the biggest users of the eggplant emoji, pulling it out at more than double the average rate (which is actually pretty tiny: 0.05% of all emoji use v 0.02% on average). It is tempting to peg this eggplant-based enthusiasm to a boom in national baba ganoush consumption, but the more accurate explanation is simply that eggplants are “code for stuff”, as Diplo once eloquently phrased it.

‘Arabic speakers are especially fond of roses.’

In Italy, the “code for stuff” is slightly different; Italians are the most prolific users of the banana (0.11% v 0.05% on average). The banana certainly seems a more classic choice of phallic fruit than the eggplant, but this may not remain the case for long. I won’t get into the details but, should you wish to chew over this issue further, please see: “Move over Banana, how the eggplant became the most phallic fruit”.

French is still the language of love, even in emoji. The French are far too refined for eggplants or bananas and appear to be more interested in the heart than other organs. The heart emoji is used four times more by French speakers than it is in any other language. About 55% of emojis sent by French speakers are hearts, compared with just 8% in US English, and 12.5% on average. France also leads the world in wedding-related emoji. When it comes to texting, the French really like to put a ring on it. This isn’t quite the case when you’re trying to put a same-sex ring on it, however. French speakers are the least likely to use LGBT emoji.

Arabic speakers’ emoji use is likely terrorist in nature. Bombs and weapons of mass destruction emoji are used at more than four times the average rate. Just kidding: actually that would be flowers and plants emoji. Arabic speakers are especially fond of roses, using them at almost eight times the average rate. They also like bikinis. Can’t wait for the Fox News analysis of that.

‘Australians use double the average amount of alcohol-themed emoji and 65% more drug emoji than average.’

Australians don’t give a XXXX, and like to drink. Australians use double the average amount of alcohol-themed emoji and 65% more drug emoji than average. They also like junk food and mammals. All in all, pretty sterling work by Aussie texters in ensuring national stereotypes straddle the digital divide.

Britain is a nation of winkers. While Australia leads the emoji world in drinking, Britain stands out for its use of winking. Apparently, Brits use the winking face at twice the average rate. I’m not entirely sure to what make of this somewhat dubious distinction, so it seems fitting to leave the last words to Monty Python: wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.