At least once a week since coming out four years ago, I have had someone misidentify me as a gay man and, at least once a week, I find myself saying, “I’m actually bisexual.” Sometimes they’ll respond with an apology, other times it will be something along the lines of “Well that’s not true, because there is no such thing as bisexuality.” A lot of my writing in the past has been focused on the latter; those who aggressively attack me for being bisexual, as those tend to be the most meaningful and memorable interactions I have personally encountered as an openly bi man.

However, there is a third response that is easily the most frequent and, over time, has become the one that hurts the most, especially because this third response can (and has) frequently come from friends, family, and a plethora of others who should know better.

It is when these people who are close to me routinely refer to me as a gay man, despite the fact that they are more than aware that I am in fact a bi man. When I first came out via an article in college, I purposefully left out the fact that I was bi; coming out is scary enough, but having that immediate bi backlash would have been overwhelming emotionally. So, I decided to publicly identify myself as a member of the LGBTQ+ community and fill people in as I began my journey out of the closet.

However, there has been ample time since my coming out for those around me to get up to speed; I have been more than clear about my sexual orientation and where I belong in the LGBTQ+ community. It took years to build up the courage and confidence to not only come out as bi, but to prepare myself for a lifetime of questions, insults, and attacks from those outside the LGBTQ+ community and, sadly, from those within it.

I think the most frustrating part about being mislabeled as a gay man is that I’m perceived as annoying or overzealous for correcting those who say it; there is absolutely nothing with being a gay man or woman, but that’s just not me. Shouldn’t I be able to live life proudly as my authentic self without being deemed a nuisance?

For example, many of the gay men who I know are incredibly proud, which I wholeheartedly endorse and support, and take advantage of any moment where they can celebrate and highlight their sexual orientation. Whether you are straight or gay, take a moment and imagine if someone close to you was routinely mislabeling your sexual orientation. Imagine if this continued for years, despite repeated subtle attempts to let them know it bothers you. Then imagine that you address the problem head on and are blown off with a huff and an, “I know, but it doesn’t really matter.”

I’m here to tell you it does matter. Having those around you ignore something that is important to you, particularly something that is a big part of who you are as a person, does hurt. It can make you feel small, unseen, and undervalued. It makes it feel like this aspect of who you are is unimportant and, by extension, you are too.

I have gone back and forth about writing this article for awhile because overall, I have an incredible support system. But I decided to persist because if I don’t say something, who will? I feel that many of those doing this aren’t doing it out of malice, but because they are unaware of the actual impact it has on me and others like me.

When I came out of the closet over four years ago, I honestly had what could be described as a nearly perfect coming out experience and for that I will always be grateful. It is because of that support system that I feel obligated to be as transparent about my experience as my bi man as possible. I feel that I deserve to be seen as who I truly am, especially by those who I call close. It is my hope that by writing this, those in my life will be better about this issue moving forward; otherwise, be prepared for a lot of corrections coming your way for the foreseeable future.