Hostage negotiators have arrived at Selhurst Park following the news that Alan Pardew has taken James McArthur hostage at gunpoint. CCTV footage released by Scotland Yard shows the recently-sacked Crystal Palace manager holding a pistol to the Scottish midfielder’s neck.

Demands

Soccer on Sunday have obtained a transcript of a call between chief negotiator Sergeant Jack Tackleberry and Pardew, during which the former Newcastle manager listed his demands.

Tackleberry: Alan? Can I call you Alan?

Pardew: I couldn’t give a Kate Moss what you call me, you slag.

Tackleberry: Why don’t you let McArthur go? We’ve seen him play. He’s not worth anything.

Pardew: Let him go? You ‘avin a giraffe? This slag is half the reason I’m on the Nat King Cole.

Tackleberry: Nobody’s been hurt yet Alan. You can still walk away before this goes too far.

Pardew: Too far? Do me a Cheesy Quaver. I’ve lost my Corn on the Cob, you slag.

Tackleberry: What is it you want Alan?

Pardew: I want me Dog’s Knob back. And I want the James Blunts who gave me the Tin Tack to come down here, take a Butchers in my Mince Pies and admit that they haven’t a Scooby Doo.

Tackleberry: I’m sorry Alan, I don’t speak Cockney. Do you have any English? Even a few words?

Pardew: Listen you slag, what happened me was Pete Tong. I’m Schindler’s List. I want the Linen Drapers down here so I can give them my side of the Jack’n’Nory. Otherwise, McArthur gets a bullet in his Loaf of Bread.

Tackleberry: I don’t understand a word you’re saying Alan. Please bear with us. We have a car collecting Ray Winstone right now.

Pardew: Top geezer, Ray. Ok, I’ll Bubble and Squeak to him. But I’m warning you. Any funny business, and there’ll be Barney Rubble.

(Muttered)

Ethan Hunt.

(Call ends)