The nation is divided. Loved ones tweeting at loved ones. What the American people need now more than ever is a party that can unite the entire country in disappointment. That’s where we step in: the Centrist Party. In 2020, we want you to skip the red and the blue and vote for the grayish taupe that represents our ideologically meek coalition. We couldn’t decide on a campaign slogan—every time we voted on one, everyone abstained—so we’ll let you read the list and, if any resonate, awesome; if not, no big deal!

“For the exhausted.”

“Some ideas. Some beliefs. Some feelings.”

“Thinking exactly what you think since [day you were born].”

“Putting the awkward silences back in Thanksgiving.”

“We can be bought.”

“Like our symbol, the petrified deer, we’re proudly frozen in the middle of the road.”

“Make news boring again.”

“Proudly standing against proudly standing against anything.”

“The sanest, most reasonable waste of a vote.”

“This is the third time we’re introducing ourselves and you’re still going to act like we just met the next time we see each other.”

“Wearing ideological camouflage since we won an uncontested race in a county you’ve never heard of.”

“We’ve done some stuff we’re not proud of, but none of it’s too bad, we guess.”

“The shortest distance between hope and giving up.”

“Like an a-cappella group singing the same note for four years.”

“The flat, room-temperature diet soda of political parties.”

“Goldilocks was right.”

“When you’re only voting to post a photo of yourself wearing that little ‘I Voted’ sticker on Instagram.”

“Our guy doesn’t have Twitter—and, yeah, it’s a guy.”

“Shrug!”