Late-night hosts focused on the launch of Trump’s re-election campaign and the brewing tensions in the Middle East.

Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump kicked off his 2020 comedy tour last night in Orlando,” said Jimmy Kimmel, coming out of the gate swinging at the news of Trump’s re-election campaign announcement.

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Kimmel commented on the size of the crowd, as well as the arrogant falsehoods Trump told. “The stadium had a capacity of 20,000 or as Trump calls it a million.

“Trump was on fire, or at least, his pants were. He jumped from lie to lie, from hot topic to hot topic, like Joy Behar on Adderall.”

During his speech, Trump promised the audience, in his next term, they would cure cancer, lay foundations for human Mars landings and cure Aids. “This would be a lot of scientific progress from a guy who stared directly into a solar eclipse, but it is true he is close to eradicating Aids in America. He’s already eradicated all of the aides he hired to work for him in the White House.”

Kimmel also reserved some jokes for the Trump family, including Donald Trump Jr. “DJTJ was there to remind us that our president, as terrible as he may be, isn’t even the worst Donald Trump.” He then refocused his attention on the senior Trump, correcting his inflated record. “Daddy Trump had some bigly whoppers last night. He said the Russia investigation was illegal which it wasn’t. He said wall construction is moving very rapidly, which it isn’t. He said air quality is getting better, when it’s getting worse. He claimed he made America the #1 oil and gas producer, which he didn’t. He said Americans don’t pay for his tariffs, which we do. He said he got the VA choice act passed, which he didn’t. He said his administration protects pre-existing conditions for healthcare, which they don’t, and he called it ‘The Great State of Florida’, which is debatable.”

As House investigations heat up, Republicans have sent forth a list of terms they would like Democrats to refrain from using in the hearings, including words like racist, sexual predator, crook, conman, misogynist, or as Kimmel said: “Basically, they don’t want them to call him anything he is.”

Stephen Colbert

“Last night President Trump was in Orlando, Florida, to officially relaunch the presidential campaign he has never stopped,” opened Stephen Colbert on the Late Show.

Colbert noted the speech seemed repetitive even compared to Trump’s former ones. “You know, for all his bad environmental policies, Trump is very committed to recycling his garbage.”

Trump allegedly said there were more than 20,000 supporters in attendance but Colbert called his bluff, saying he sent a press team down there that found the stadium wasn’t even full. “Because our team got their press credentials denied at the last minute – and this is true – and they just went online and got tickets and walked in. They just walked in to take any of the many, many empty seats in the arena. Wow, I knew Trump’s voters were old, I didn’t know they were ghosts.”

Trevor Noah

The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) “America should switch back to the old-school Netflix DVD plan. You can start a new war, as soon as you finish the ones you already have.”



Tensions rise between America and Iran: https://t.co/SbchV7jMdd pic.twitter.com/ppMkBjIF3h

“America is sending thousands of troops back to the Middle East, which is a big deal, and not just because you have to pay that EZ Pass again,” said Noah, introducing the news of the topic to his audience.

Several US leaders within Trump’s White House have been pushing for war in Iran, which has escalated tensions in the Middle East. They even blamed Iranians for blowing up a Japanese oil tanker, saying there were Iranian fingerprints on the explosives. “Iranian fingerprints? Honestly, I don’t really know what that last part means. How can you tell that fingerprints are Iranian? Was the detective like: ‘I knew it. Hummus,’” joked Noah.

But even though the US has assigned culpability to Iran, it has lied about this before, making all other states proceed with caution. “Despite Mike Pompeo’s hawkishness and John Bolton’s walrusness, most foreign governments aren’t in a hurry to go to war,” said the host. In fact, Trump is skeptical of a probable war himself. “Maybe he thinks this is a bad idea, or maybe he’s just worried that the military might try and draft high again, you know?

“I’m not saying America should never start wars. That’s who you are. I get it … It almost feels like America does war the same way people do Netflix. Yeah, we start a bunch of things, but we never really commit.” Noah said. “I’m saying I understand America can’t not fight a war, but instead of going with a streaming model, maybe America should switch back to the old school DVD plan. You can start a new war as soon as you finish the ones you already have.”