I said I would never stalk a Santa- rather, the rules told me never to stalk a Santa. Well, they said not to stalk a Santee.

So, now that I think about it, I'm sure it would be totally non-creepy to drive down to my Santa's house and offer them my slave labor in exchange for more of the handmade Merlot sea salt they gifted me, which is begging for a ribeye and some chive butter. And the pesto-infused pickled baby onions! And the green tea-infused cornichons, for the kimchi, short rib, gruyere, and miso grilled cheese I'm going to concoct.

And surely nobody would hold me at fault if I cried when I ran out of the amazing, beautiful tube of umami sauce. Or the farmer's market harissa. And the local pickled plum jam. Or at least send a half-eaten sandwich in thanks.

No? That's creepy? Too creepy? Fine. Because you can't all have my condiment santa, I have enclosed a recipe so you may replicate my weekend smorgasbord- Happy 2015 Condiment Exchange, RedditGifts!

Habanero & Plum Brisket Sandwich

(An Atlantic Collaboration between PA, VA, and MD)

1 4lb. brisket, roasted or smoked (slice it, despite the urge to consume it whole)

1 tablespoon habanero sauce (I used Torchbearer)

1/2 cup of purple cabbage, chopped and rinsed

1 tablespoon mayonnaise or cream cheese (softened)

1 teaspoon spicy plum chutney (Virginia Plum Chutney is the one I was gifted)

2 slices of thick white or sourdough bread (Mancini's of Pittsburgh)

Mix together the plum chutney and hot sauce until thin and incorporated. Toss with the cabbage. Let the cabbage sit and marinate in the sauce while you cut the brisket. Spread the two slices of bread with mayonnaise or cream cheese, and place the brisket on top (1/2 cup for an average sandwich, 1 1/2 cup for normal). Before serving, put the coleslaw on top and cut in half. Serve and eat promptly.

The photo below is of brisket of yore (October), but I know my stuff, I promise. Also, since my Santa sealed the deal with TMNT duct tape, any victories of Best Santa past and future are automatically forfeited because 90's.

Edit: We keep thinking of sandwiches to make with these. The latest is a Big Mac with a Japanese twist- Thousand Island made with Harissa, pickled onions, and green tea pickles, umami-grilled burgers, and sesame-tossed lettuce.

Edit II: We can't stop. Fried chicken with plum chutney and sesame seeds, atop steamed buns with pickles. WHEN IS LUNCH?