TOP TEN VIDEO GAME SKELETONS

Matt McMuscles recently proposed a theoretical “Top Ten Skeletons in Video Games” list. Seeing as how nobody else did one, I decided to do my own. Here ya go, boss!

10 – Sekhmet (Skullgirls)

Sekhmet is a ruthless killing machine, stuck inside another ruthless killing machine. Sekhmet is a stupid, sexy skeleton, and knows it. And with her powers she won’t hesitate to tear you apart.

Why isn’t she higher on the list? Well… because Sekhmet TECHNICALLY isn’t a skeleton. Sekhmet is actually a creature known in the Skullgirls universe as a “Parasite.” She isn’t an actual skeleton, but close enough to make #10.

9 – Skeleton King (Dota 2)

THE FUCKING KING OF SKELETONS. He lives in a kingdom where every last street, building, and lamppost is constructed of bone by his royal decree.

One of his spells involves him throwing a flaming skull on you. He has built-in lifesteal and built-in crits. His ultimate ability includes all his bones magnetizing together after he dies, resurrecting him. Why isn’t he higher on the list?

Because, due to a recent(ish) event, Skeleton King gave up his body of bones and became Wraith King. He is no longer the king of the Skeleton army. Though we will always remember him fondly for what he once was.

8 – Manny Calavera (Grim Fandango)

I’ll be honest, I’ve never played this game, but I get the feeling someone would track me down and kill me if he wasn’t here. Since I haven’t played the game, I’m gonna make up some reasons for why he’s here.

He looks like a pretty cool calaca-based design? He doesn’t have lungs but continues to smoke? He dresses nice? He’s the first 100% Skeleton on the list? And finally – he’s made by Tim Schafer so you know he’s cool?

7 – Bones Jackson (Mutant League)

Now, anybody who competes in a death game of any sorts is already pretty hardcore. Competing in a death game WHEN YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD is even more hardcore. Bones Jackson not only has an amusing name – but a penchant for murdering people in the arena, while also occasionally scoring a touchdown.

Plus, he’s a clear risk-taker. Unlike meat-bags like us, he has nothing to protect his skeleton head from impacts, aside from a highly fashionable death helmet.

6 – Kleer Skeleton (Serious Sam series)

So, you’re just using a chaingun to murder several thousand soldiers. Honestly, all the sounds start to blend together. The rockets, bullets, and magical missiles firing… corpses and guts squishing underneath your feet… but then you hear something. Something off.

You hear the hoofbeat of the Kleer Skeleton. It may not be a HUMAN Skeleton, but this thing inspires fear in you without you even having to see it. And when you do see it, what’s the best way to dispatch of this fearsome foe?

You have to wait for it to jump at you, SCYTHE-HANDS outstretched, and blast it at the very last second. Even if they die, they will die swinging at you, and inspiring the fear in you that it just may kill you at the last second.

5 – Dem (Breath of Death VII)

It’s very rare that we have Skeletons as protagonists of… well… anything. Dem is not just a walking pun, but he’s also the protagonist of an indie RPG that costs only a dollar. That’s right, for only one dollar you can see the epic quest of a walking pun Skeleton.

Better yet is one rather silly revelation made early on… having no tongue, Dem is unable to speak out loud to the player, or even to his fellow party members. Meaning many of his pleas and ideas humorously fall of deaf ears.

4 – Bonewheel (Dark Souls series)

So you see a skeleton a couple meters away from you and you’re like “alright, clearly I can’t KILL that sickass skeleton, but it has no muscles on its legs… so I CAN outrun it!” That may work for some weak skeletons, but not for this mobile-ass skeleton.

The Bonewheel Skeleton will temporarily turn itself into that scene from Prometheus, with the sole exception that he’ll hit you even if you are smart enough to run to the left or right. Then he’ll get up and do it again. And so will the other 19 bonewheels in the room you didn’t notice until right now.

This is what happens when The Skeleton can do it!

3 – Spinal (Killer Instinct)

Spinal began life as an innocent Jason and the Argonauts reference, and has snowballed into a demonic, unbelievably badass Skeleton warrior unto his own right. He’s got a busted-up ancient boat wheel, a magic shield, a bandanna, rope, and a sickass sword – what hope have you got?

Normally when some character gets a theme in a video game, it might be one band, or even one person (usually in the same office). How was Spinal’s theme made? With the talents of TWENTY people over FIVE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES over several MONTHS. But, enough about how well thought out and badass his theme is, let’s just do a quick once-over on what Spinal can do in game.

Shoot flaming Skulls. Divekick. Drain the enemy’s shadow meter. Have a sick theme. Make his attacks stronger with the meter he just stole from you (as a big fuck you, for daring to have skin.) And most importantly he can, and I am not making a pun here this is the official title of this move, Skeleport. No. Not Teleport. SKELEPORT. Do I need to say anything else?

2 – Mr. Bones (As himself)

“Derek, how can anything be more rad than fucking SKELEPORTING? That’s bullshit!” You said, as you spat your skeleton all over the floor. Well… there’s something to be admired about a Skeleton who makes his own Skeleton army. And how does he make his Skeleton army? Through power? Fear? Delusion? Propoganda? No, to all of the above. He does it through SICK BLUES GUITAR SOLOS.

Not only that, but Mr. Bones can reconfigure his skeleton to make himself a totally different Skeleton. Putting his arms on his legs to nearly double his size? Pat WISHES he was this type of skeleton!

1 – Sir Dregan (Mace : The Dark Age)

“Derek, you only put Sir Dregan on the list because Matt said to!” At first, this was totally true. However, then I had to look up a video to grab a screenshot that wasn’t total shit. And I made a discovery.

Mace : The Dark Age has fatalities, which are called Executions. Sir Dregan’s Execution immediately puts him at the top of the list.

Sir Dregan jumps into the body of the defeated opponent, then using his sheer skeleton-based willpower, forces their meat-sack body to explode from the inside out.

Y'know how there’s a Skeleton inside ALL of us, ready to pop out at any time? Sir Dregan isn’t just waiting to burst out from inside of us, he is ready and WILLING to burst out of ANYBODY! And happy to do so! He is the sheer, manly epitome of the kind of soldier the Skeleton Army needs. HE IS THE SKELETON INSIDE ALL OF US, READY TO BURST OUT AT ANY TIME.

If you think you’re mad-sick enough to witness a skeleton jumping out of someone, feel free to admire with a mix of fear and awe here.

LONG LIVE SIR DREGAN. LONG LIVE THE SKELETON ARMY.