[tw: weight loss talk, possible ED-like habits]

In college, I met the most incredible person. We connected immediately and became inseparable practically the moment we introduced ourselves. We stayed friends for a few months before I confessed that I had romantic feelings for him. He told me he loved me but ultimately rejected me, saying that he didn’t find me physically attractive. I was confused and upset and made the mistake of probing him for why, and he finally admitted that it was due to my weight. I asked if he would reconsider if I were thinner and he said that he might, so what did naïve little me do? I looked up the average BMI of an Asian 20-something woman (he is from an Asian country and I was aware that there is pressure in some countries to be very thin, so I was afraid that even if I hit a “normal” BMI I would still be too large to him) and spent the next eight months losing some 60 pounds, through exhausting vigilance.

He cheered me on so much through the process and we began a relationship after I lost 40 pounds (with the understanding that I would lose a bit more). I’ve maintained my weight for a few years now and though I’m very happy to be with him, our relationship is great, and there are some instances of thin privilege that I have enjoyed a little too much (people are nicer, clothes fit better, and I feel like I can leave the house in sweats and no one will care, to name a few), on the inside, I still am a fat person. I worry constantly about when and how the weight will come back, what I’ll lose when the weight comes back, if my boyfriend will leave me….it’s always in the back of my mind, how temporary this could be. I watch my food intake religiously and jog several times a week (I know some people come to love jogging/running, but I’m two years into it and STILL hate it but I have to do it because I’m so afraid of what will happen if I stop). I can’t enjoy food anymore. It’s just a necessity now, no joy. I hate going out to eat with friends because they like going to small restaurants that don’t have nutritional info anywhere. I hate cooking now. I have to wake up at 5 to go on my jogs so I can’t enjoy sleep anymore. So many of life’s simple pleasures, I can’t enjoy anymore. I haven’t told my boyfriend anything because our life is so great otherwise, I don’t want to be seen as a whiner…but it weighs on me.

I’m getting upset so I’ll wrap this up. Thin privilege is getting the guy. Thin privilege is not worrying about your relationship crumbling over some extra pounds. Thin privilege is a million little things that I’ve gained (that I’ve only gained through losing a million other little things).