WINTER has entered its 18th consecutive fucking month, the Met Office has confirmed.

With sleet, rain and snow forecast for the weekend, meteorologists have admitted that the weather is so cold that it has frozen time itself, with no thaw in sight.

A Met Office spokesman said: “It’s March now, but that’s just what we call the month. It makes no difference to it still being winter.

“The time dilation effect caused by the absolute brass-bollock weather we’re suffering means that winter has gone on forever and will continue to go on forever, until all we can remember is winter.

“Occasionally it will merely piss it down while not being absolutely freezing, and we’ll all be pathetically grateful for two days before it returns to being utterly foul with an Arctic wind.”

Martin Bishop of Cleveland said: “We’re British. Winter is the only season we deserve.”