This will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I have to somehow suppress the expression on my face because Dusty is watching me like a hawk.

He knows something is up.

This hurts so much.

I don’t know how to let go of my mother. I don’t know how to live my life without her. I don’t know how I will ever explain it to Dusty.

I pray to the heavens above for something to change and she make a miraculous recovery. I honestly fear for my own sanity.

I handled it when I had to bury my bio father. But this is totally different. My momma was there when Dusty came into this world. She was right by my side.

She was the one that talked to Dusty after his surgery in 2013 and they were having issues getting him to come around. He wasn’t wanting to breath so I had “grandma” come in there because his oxygen levels were riding the line of them needing to intervene more than just giving him oxygen.

She went in and after a few minutes of grandma talking to him he started to improve.

What do I need to sacrifice to allow her to stay? I have prayed and prayed and prayed and don’t know what else to say.

I don’t want her in pain and don’t want her to die this way. Her kidneys haven’t been improving like they should be and they had a specialist come in yesterday. They started her on a salt water flush to kind of “jumpstart” her kidneys to get them to improve. They have done the opposite. She’s still losing blood from somewhere and they have to keep giving her blood.

She has had alot of blood come in her urine. They did an ultrasound just a bit ago and we are waiting to hear from the doctor as to what they saw on ultrasound.

My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and I don’t know how to do this.

I know I am being selfish but I don’t want her to leave me.

Dear God please hear my cry!