We’re just deep enough into the school year for law students to feel out their fellows and pop the question about forming a study group. And most law students will join some study group reflexively because it’s “just what you do.” But study groups aren’t so much about responsible preparation as much as an excuse to summon a perverse Voltron of collective neuroses. You’re probably going to end up with the same grade you’d have gotten if you studied on your own, but now you have a handful of other, possibly otherwise reasonable wrecks bombarding you with all the fears and insecurities you weren’t even thinking about.

The Paper Chase provided the gold standard of awful study groups. Backstabbing, withholding study aids, and a weird fascination with the word “pimp.”

At least until now….

Move over smug 1L, there’s a new leader in the douchetastic 1L clubhouse. If law school is “a distilled bunch of the biggest a-holes you knew in college,” then this kid is the Pappy Van Winkle.

Each Study Group member hereby agrees that at all times during their participation in the Study Group thereafter, to hold this in the strictest confidence, and to not disclose confidential information as defined herein to anyone who is not also a current member of the study group, without unanimous agreement, memorialized in writing, from the other Study Group members. “Confidential information” shall mean any intellectual property, trade secrets or the study group’s private information, including, but not limited to, organizational techniques, processes, formulas, shared documents, outlines, notes from discussions, either written or memorized; research projects, operating methods, information the study group receives in confidence from any other party, or any other secret or confidential matters of the study group.

Kid’s thorough. But given that this is a torts exam and not a race to map the human genome, it’s a bit excessive. I wonder how the other proposed “Study Group” members responded when confronted with this. Probably someone thought, “Someone this up their own ass must be really smart… I’ve gotta stay in this group!” At least one person thought, “What a tool! I’ve got to share this with the world,” which is why ATL got multiple copies from multiple sources.

After reading the first bit of this agreement, you may be wondering if there was any penalty associated with breaching this bad boy.

The penalty for breach in the foregoing agreement shall be the sum of $5000 to be rendered in cash, checks, or ACH transfers wherein the penalty sum is distributed equally among non-breaching members.

It’s costly to be the robot pimp in this group. Things that aren’t really worth $5000 no matter how much someone wants to pretend otherwise: a hamburger, a woman’s virginity in China, and breaching a study group agreement.

Though I guess since you’re in law school you’ve already demonstrated a failure to understand “paying what something is worth,” so it’s unsurprising that you’ve signed on to this.

Check out the whole agreement on the next page….

Earlier: Shut Up Everybody, New 1L Is Going To Explain How Smart He Is