Trump: Quantum Experiments Prove Objective Reality is a Myth

Mar 13, 2019

“In 1961, the Nobel Prize–winning physicist Eugene Wigner gave a thought experiment that demonstrated two observers can experience conflicting realities, proving there is no such thing as objective reality. That all observation is subjective, even upon ‘objective’ evidence,’ said US President Donald Trump, as he paced his gilded chamber, yanking the hairs in his wig just like Einstein had done back in 1905, during that Annus mirabilis, the extraordinary year, where he published four articles that changed the course of time itself.

“Cut to last year,” continued Trump. “Recent advances in quantum technologies made it possible for Proietti and colleagues at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh to reproduce the Wigner thought experiment in real life. Indeed! We can create different realities, compare them in the lab, and find out they are both true. America!"

It's what makes you want to take your bible and ask for it to be signed by someone who perfectly embodies the 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, greed, laziness, wrath, envy and pride. And lets Trump actually sign it. It's what lets you eat pizza with a fork on a private jet and claim you are a common man. It's what lets you be the ultimate insider and claim you are an outsider. There is no more objective reality, literally, thanks to Trump/Einstein.

“The scientific method relies on facts, established by repeated measurements, independent of who observed them," added Trump. "And yet, in this world, now it’s not even possible to observe facts. By jove! I’m going to become president one day. And people will finally listen to me.”

When reminded that he already is president, Trump replied, “President for you, perhaps. I want to be president on my universe. In my universe, gold is god. It's why we build temples out of it. The people with gold are the caretakers of god. Anything against gold is a sin, like taxes on the rich, unions, and environmental regulations. Hookers are holy conduits for world peace. And I am Jesus. Now let me sign your New Testament, New American edition. Welcome to quantum physics, bitch.”