Unless you've been living in a cave, you know that The Rapture (tm) has been scheduled for tomorrow. For you heathens out there, The Rapture is when christians will be gathered together in the air to meet Christ, according to the Biblical prediction in 1 Thessalonians 4:17. This global event is supposed to occur at 6pm local time, starting in New Zealand and working westward around the globe from there.

I am always ready for any excuse to "party hardy" (hard-y? hearty?), as us Americans say -- and hey! The Rapture is as good an excuse as any I've ever run across, especially since, as an atheist, I have no chance in hell of winning this particular lottery.

So I've been busy planning my Rapture Parties. I am attending a party this afternoon with a bunch of scientists that I think of as a pre-Rapture Party (it's a barbeque [BBQ (tm)], which provides me and my other fellow heathens a tasty glimpse of that special hell that awaits us). Coincidentally, I just purchased the finest camera in the world: a Nikon D7000, and added a few more lenses to my collection so I can photograph people's nose hairs in excruciating detail from 100 metres away. So between the flames, the alcohol and my new camera, I am well-prepared to celebrate whilst recording the event as the devout are sucked up to heaven -- unless they all just disappear -- *poof* -- just like that.

I have been preoccupied with trying to imagine what must be going through christians' minds as they contemplate this momentous occasion (for them). Which brings me to the subject of clothes. What do you wear for The Rapture, or to a Rapture Party, for that matter? Are you clothed when Raptured or -- heaven forbid! -- might you leave all your clothes behind and be Raptured in the nude? If so, this leaves room for some weighty erm ... challenges ... and for some mighty entertaining pranks, some of which also provide a great way to get rid of all those clothes lurking in your drawers and closets that you no longer wear.

But maybe christians will be Raptured whilst clothed? If that's the case, then I am sure they are confronted with a different dilemma: what to wear for this most auspicious of all the days in their lifetimes? Will christians wear their "Sunday Best"? What exactly is their "Sunday Best"? Perhaps their wedding clothes? Or ... dare I suggest this? ... Funeral clothes?

Even though I am an atheist, I plan to wear my "Sunday Best", which also happens to be the standard daily "scientist's uniform": jeans and a t-shirt. I think this is the appropriate apparel (appropriate, as in, "holy") for this unique day because, thanks to my parrots' overly-busy beaks, all of my jeans and t-shirts have holes in them.

Mentioning my parrots brings me to another subject that I've worried over: pets. Who will take care of Raptured christians' pets? Have these good men and women of god even considered this impending tragedy? When I lived in NYC, some christians made arrangements with me to care for their pets after the previously scheduled Rapture. Fortunately for me, that Rapture was canceled (mysteriously), otherwise, I'd have been stuck in a tiny Manhattan apartment the size of a shoebox, caring for ten birds and three parrots (in addition to my own five parrots), a dozen dogs, a couple dozen house cats (two of them with severe kidney problems), a few hamsters, gerbils and guinea pigs, one turtle with an attitude and god-only-knows how many tropical fish! The weekly food bills alone would have landed me in the poorhouse -- and don't even let me get started talking about veterinary bills .. !

I've also invested a tremendous amount of time into worrying about other Rapture-related events, especially tragedies that could befall the rest of us if christians are suddenly Raptured. Have christians thought about unplugging their electrical appliances? (Think of the salmon!) How about cleaning out the refrigerator -- because seriously, not doing that is just nasty! (Think of the atheists!) But most important in my opinion, Christ-like christians should not do anything tomorrow that might jeopardise the rest of us. If these christians are Raptured, the rest of us could be permanently maimed or we might die horrible, fiery deaths as unattended stoves send flames shooting through restaurants (the rapture is conveniently scheduled for the Friday dinner hour, after all), as cars crash onto crowded sidewalks and through crosswalks, as passenger-filled aeroplanes plunge into happy little neighborhoods and kill the rest of us.

*Poof* -- just like that.

Why make things worse for us heathens? We've already got The Tribulation (tm) to look forward to.

What are you planning to do for The Rapture? Are you one of the lucky ones who will be Raptured? Or are you a godless heathen, like me, who will be left behind on earth after The Rapture to clean up the mess?

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