

It is ok to mourn the loss of a dream. I repeat, it is ok to mourn the loss of a dream. It is ok to let people know how much you lost by loosing your dream. You don’t need to write it off as no big deal. When you pursue something like a dream, you put your heart and soul into it. I say this because I lost a dream once, and I minimized the pain I went through because of that loss for years. I avoided it at all costs, made a joke of it, and recently realized how much the loss of that dream hurts.





My dream, to be an Opera Singer, was one that let me do all the things I loved. Sing, act, wear all sorts of cool costumes. I could even write and sing my own music if I wanted to. When one of my classmates violated my trust and took a part of me I didn’t consent to, the place I had gone to with so many hopes and dreams became a place that brought about panic and memories of things I wish had never happened.





I went to get help, but it took over 10 years to find out I was dealing with PTSD. The delay in proper care led to a tail spin I wasn’t able to control because I didn’t know what was going on. It didn’t take me long to walk away from the dream and focused on surviving. If I had known then I had PTSD, would I have been able to resurrect that dream before it completely slipped through my fingers? I’m not sure, but at least I could have been given the tools to try.





I’ve felt the need to go back to Portland for awhile, that there was some sort of work that needed to be done, but kept putting it off because I wanted to make sure I had a support network. At PantheaCon, the opportunity and the support network appeared. I had an opportunity to give myself a piece of my dream back on my birthday and I decided to take the opportunity.





As I had been avoiding the visit to Portland, I hadn’t thought about what I would actually be doing and I had less than a month to figure out what “it” was. So I got to work. I had to take time to examine the things that I experienced and how I reacted to them. I had to examine how I’ve been living my life within the context of that one event.





It quickly became apparent to me that I never put the blame on dropping out of College where it belonged. On the man who raped me. I blamed myself, wrote if off as drinking too much or partying too hard. Even after getting told by a Mental Health professional I had PTSD, I didn’t take the time to grieve the loss of my dream or to forgive myself and put the blame where it belonged, on my rapist.





I also had an amazing realization; that spending time in front of my piano no longer gave me anxiety, it gave me peace. I found that all the hard work and practice to regain my gift was paying off.





Then I looked at the situation spiritually and I realized I had left more than a dream behind, I had left a friend. I had left a spirit I didn’t know I was working with. She helped to inspire me through my music and pulled some spiritual strings so that I had the opportunities I needed to succeed. She was fed through my music and the pursuit of my dream. When I walked away and cut myself off to preserve myself, I left her behind, anchored in Portland. She’s been coming to visit, but keeps getting dragged back to her anchor.





I’ve been able to finally have conversations with her and to learn that she wants to come home with me. She’s been happy helping other students pursue their dreams, but now she wants to help me pursue something new, to be part of that musical inspiration again. Through the work I was able to define the goal of my trip, that I am going up to Portland to bring her home and forge a new contract with her. To see where our dreams to make music can take us.





Shadow Work is a journey, and it isn’t going to be the same for everyone. The spiritual work associated with healing will look different from person to person. My current journey is going to retrieve a friend I had not realized I had lost. Choosing my path and learning to work with spirits has opened my eyes to a part of my life I hadn’t been aware of. It has given me the skills I need to perform the magic to bring her home. This is also a reunion that has been 12 years in the making, a reminder that you don’t have to do everything at once.





Allowing myself to mourn the dream that I lost opened up doors to new healing. The simple realization that I was allowed to be upset with what happened opened the door to a gem that had been hiding in the dark. This process hasn’t been easy, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the support of the people in my life. Discussing my fears with a trusted friend helped me to realize what boundaries I needed and how to set up those boundaries. Being open about the anxiety I was feeling has given me an overwhelming amount of support and I would have scrapped the whole idea very quickly without the support I have been receiving. So for those who have supported me, I thank you.