According to hospital reports, new mother Janine Spencer and her infant son Oliver are completely unaware of the mutual agony they will subject each other to over the next 18 years. How sweet!

Following her labor Janine was seen in her hospital bed with Oliver, whispering such adulations as, “Mommy loves you so much” and “You’re the sweetest little boy in the world.” The heartfelt remarks serve in stark contrast to how they will eventually communicate, with yelled insults such as, “Mommy doesn’t know where she went wrong with you” and “You’re the rudest little shit in the world.” According to witnesses at the scene, the two were completely naive to the eventual demise of their relationship. Cuuuute!

A nurse and mother of four, Terry Siena, who was present for the birth, noted that the unconditional love currently shared between the two will quickly fade, stating, “Ya, it’s all lovey-dovey now but wait until he’s 13 and stealing $40 out of your wallet for Juul pods.” Siena went on to describe them as “blissfully unaware.” Adorable!

During their hospital stay the Mother and Son were inseparable. So much so that onlookers found it difficult to believe that Janine would one day refer to Oliver as a, “useless pile of crap” and that Oliver would, in a few short years, say he, “hates her guts” during a fight over Fortnite privileges. But look at them now, they have no idea. Heartsplode!

According to estimations, the mother and son have roughly five good years before their relationship takes an irreparable turn, largely due to Janine’s projection of her own insecurities onto Oliver, and Oliver’s general disrespect for female figures of authority. Unfortunately, by the time Oliver reaches the age to pursue a mature relationship, she’ll be reaching the age where she starts getting into Fox News.

At press time, Janine was quoted saying, “I’m going to love you forever” to the boy she will eventually only speak to on birthdays and stat holidays. Hopefully someone is documenting this tender moment, it will be one of very few for the pair!