The following public statement was issued by Pilate’s publicist after the crucifixion fiasco that occurred this past Sunday.

There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-semitic remark. That includes humiliating, torturing, and eventually crucifying a rabbi/carpenter for trying to heal the sick and inspire the downtrodden. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a fellow law enforcement officer the night I decided that I really wanted to kill their new leader. At the time, I thought him raising that guy Lazarus from the dead was off-putting. I digress.

I am a public person, and when I say or do something, it carries weight in the public arena. In this case, I literally gathered the masses to witness a man being murdered in a public arena, even after he cried for mercy and claimed that he was literally the son of God. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my actions and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words. I am sorry to all of humankind for prematurely ending the life of your messiah and unknowingly creating a religion based on the fear of judgement and death rather than peace and goodwill. I messed up.

The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God’s child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith. Well, to clarify, I do execute people on a regular basis based on judgements of morals I personally make, and it’s been a lot of Jews recently, but I’m not a bigot. Just doing my job. But anyway, hatred of any kind goes against my faith — which most historians agree may have been a subtle paganism that was most popular at the time I was in office.

I’m not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing. The last time we met they begged me to kill this Jesus guy who was performing miracles and corrupting the youth of their congregations, but no, I’m taking full blame. Put it all on me, no problemo.

I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I pray that the door of forgiveness is not forever closed. If Christianity existed already, I would have to ask for your forgiveness as well, but luckily we have a couple hundred years.

This is not about a film. Nor is it about artistic license. I don’t know what either of those two things are. This is about real life and recognizing the consequences hurtful words and actions can have. It’s about existing in harmony in a world that seems to have gone mad.

Thank you for listening and enjoy the following crucifixions of a homosexual, a black man who got drunk once, and some guy named Peter who is claiming to be “the first Pope”, whatever that means.