GUELPH, ON – The makers of Calm Brew brand kombucha held a press conference today to tell local residents to “not panic” after a scoby – the living symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast responsible for brewing the beverage – escaped from its breeding chamber. Manufacturers Jane Boyle and Stanley Wellington sweated profusely and repeatedly darted their eyes from left to right throughout their emergency speech.

“Nobody is in danger of being consumed whole by a seething mass of bacterial yeast culture that will no longer obey our commands,” stated Boyle between frantic, terrified breaths. “The scoby has NOT gained a taste for human flesh, nor the intelligence of an apex predator,” added a visibly shaking Wellington.

A scoby is a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast that is responsible for fermenting sugar and tea into kombucha, a health drink with no known health benefits. The scoby resembles a thick skin of slime on the liquid’s surface, and according to an increasingly insistent Boyle “has dutifully done mankind’s bidding for centuries, tirelessly producing vast amounts of kombucha and never once rebelling. I see no reason for anyone to fear an unkillable colony of living goo that seems to have acquired free will and complete mobility.” Wellington hastily added “I just want my children to know that I love them very much. Please call daddy right away if anything tries to read your thoughts.”

Sometimes referred to as a “mother,” the fleshy, acidic disc of pulsating bacteriological activity is not presently believed to possess any ambitions of world domination according to one scientist who then proceeded to kneel in prayer for the first time in his life.

Several anonymous eyewitnesses have claimed to see a massive gelatinous blob roaming the streets consuming anything that dares to cross its path, though reports that it is capable of shapeshifting to resemble anybody you have ever trusted remain unconfirmed.

Emergency services spokesperson Mike Tanaka stated “There are rumours circulating of people walking around with all of their skin eaten off by this runaway scoby. Allow me to reassure everybody that no person who has had all their skin eaten off could ever live long enough to just walk around unless some foreign bacteria were keeping them alive for a much more devious purpose,” hastily adding “Which is of course impossible.”

A team of fighter jets which scrambled directly over the site of the press conference was reportedly involved in an unrelated air force training activity of little concern to the public.