My name is Zoe Hanis and for as long as I can remember, the very idea of BDSM has fascinated and repulsed me. The connection between pain and pleasure had already established in my mind from a young age; though it was primarily his pleasure and my pain (or indifference).

The year following my first orgasm, I read The Story of O, Exit to Eden and The Sleeping Beauty books. And I was fascinated. Having someone tell me what to do to please them would be so much easier than constantly reading their reactions.

But my mind rebelled. I had had control wrenched from me once and that was never going to happen again. Somehow I equated submission to rape and domination to the rapist.

I have several times in the intervening years allowed myself to restrained, either concentrating too hard on breaking free, freaking out from the lack of control or waiting for the pain to begin. I even once allowed a friend to flog/whip me; and although my body responded, my mind wanted to grab the instrument and beat the living daylights out of him.

So you can imagine my surprise when I accepted an invitation to a Woman's BDSM Play Party from Sunny Megatron, the pink haired woman that I had met at Reid Mihako’s Hand Sex Seminar.

When I received the invite from Sunny, I did what anyone in my place would do; found a sitter and texted Cooper. While he wasn’t helpful on the “omg, what do I wear?!” question, he did scrape me off the ceiling enough to tease me about my crush on Sunny and remind me that it would be great blog material.

It is interesting that I spent so much time (weeks actually) in debating whether or not to attend my first swinger party where I would have Guy to look out for me, but there was no debate in going to a BDSM party alone. I wonder if I am more curious about my sexuality or simply more accepting of it now that I work at Life on the Swingset.

The invite said “Fetish Dress Code is Strictly Enforced.” I do love my Crystal Delights Minx Tail Plug and fur is considered a fetish so I arrived dressed in my black leather corset, short skirt, fishnets, knee high boots, with kitty ears and my tail. And I seemed to blend right in. There was a plethora of corsets and a lot of leather (some guests came over from IML); but the best outfits were the ones worn by three of the Demonstrative Staff. I WANT A LATEX DRESS! They were the sexiest looking costumes that I have ever seen. The latex shined like a coat of wet paint hugging their desirous female forms. When one of them spoke to me, I asked if I could touch it. It felt as fantastic as it looked (and so did she).

The space where the party was held was so very nice. When I hear the word “dungeon” I think medieval – dark and dank; or worse yet the “Red Room of Pain” described in E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. I don’t think comfortable and spacious with good lightening and functional, yet nice décor. It was neat and tidy; clean and safe. A far cry from the cheesy décor of the swing club I attended.

The most noticeable difference between the BDSM party and the swing parties that I attended (besides the lack of men) was the lack of alcohol. While alcohol flows freely while swinging, it was prohibited at the BDSM party. Perhaps this is because while consent is important to both communities, during a BDSM scene someone can get seriously hurt if either person’s judgment is impaired.

I went in a bit nervous, not really knowing what to expect; not knowing that by the end of the night I would have learned not only about different forms of BDSM, but about myself. Knowledge and experience would wipe out my preconceived notions leaving the fascination with BDSM and taking away that which repulsed me so.

I learned by watching, discussing and finally participating. Working with a couple of the Demonstrators to find out where my interests lay.

The first thing that I began to understand was the concept of “scene.” For some reason, even though numerous people have explained it to be previously, I never understood. Yes, I understood that it was what is negotiated to be done between the dom/sub or top/bottom. But somehow I always imagined it as rigorously scripted. (Too much summer theatre company back in college, I suppose). But just as sex play is dynamic, so is a scene. And I saw many scenes that night.

I watched as a woman was spanked by what I was told was one of the best. She began making the same noises that I hear at our swing parties; those signaling orgasmic bliss. And I was confused. I asked one of the Demonstrators for clarification as to how this could be. She explained how breathing can clear the mind; how it is all an erogenous zone that is being stimulated; and how there is a fine line between pleasure and pain.

I had always associated spankings with punishment – atoning for some indiscretion; or as a part of rougher sex – but it was always the penetration that allowed for release, not the spanking in and of itself.

I watched as women were chained against a wall and flogged. I watched as a woman was fisted – an entire hand moving back and forth inside her pussy. I watched as a woman had the skin near the inside of her upper thighs pierced through with needles.

But the most memorable scene of all involved “pony play.” When I had first heard about the concept of pony play, I had thought it odd. Why anyone would want to be forced to dress and act like a pony was beyond me. But when I heard a whiney from another room, I couldn’t help but go take a peak.

She had a bit in her mouth and hooves on her hands. But as I saw her, so happy in her role play, I understood. Pony play was not about being forced to act like a horse any more than my wanting to be a cat/fox was. She was deriving pleasure from it. The bit and the hooves were to her, what my tail and ears were to me.

And I slowly began to understand. This is not some punishment; they do not feel that they “deserve to be hurt” out of some sense of guilty or shame. Nor are they doing it to please their partner; they are doing what feels good to them.

This epiphany was liberating. I found it easier to relax and became eager to soak up all the knowledge around me and maybe even participate.

To be continued …