LOVE Actually? More like Stalk Actually.

The beloved Christmas movie about a group of people with tenuous connections has won hearts all over the world.

With all those lovey-dovey couples finding their happily-ever-afters, how can you feel anything but the warm embrace of cupid’s wings?

It’s charming, right? Wrong.

If you give even a rudimentary thought to many of Love Actually’s so-called love stories, it starts to resemble Fatal Attraction. Just with prettier people and fewer dead bunnies.

EXHIBIT ONE: JAMIE AND AURELIA

Movie version: He’s a writer who just found his partner in bed with someone else and she’s a Portuguese housekeeper who tends to his French cottage.

So, naturally, after a few weeks of making eyes at each other, it’s love, despite not speaking the same language. What woman could resist Colin Firth wet in a lake? Again.

After they part ways, he takes intensive Portuguese lessons and turns up to her hometown and proposes while the whole neighbourhood is watching. She swoons and says “yes” (in English, because she’s been taking English lessons). Aww.

Reality: He’s a naive cad on the rebound who rather than deal with his cheating girlfriend, runs away to France. She’s a poorly paid immigrant worker who has to clean up after a man who’s too hipster to use a computer. And then she has to jump into a lake to rescue his blown-away papers.

When she can finally go home to Portugal and another menial job, her creepy boss (who’s run out on his family on Christmas Eve) turns up and proposes in front of everyone. How embarrassing and a completely disproportionate response. How about a coffee first?

Verdict: Stalker

EXHIBIT TWO: DAVID AND NATALIE

Movie version: David, a newly minted British PM, is charmed by the forthrightness of one of his assistants who gives him chocolate biscuits (it’s very important that they’re chocolate ones because it shows he has a personality). When the no-good US president is inappropriate with her, he stands up for her, and the rest of the world, by shooting down the Americans’ unilateral and braggadocio policies.

After moving her into a different role because he finds his affection for her too distracting, David is missing the best part of his day (read: Natalie and those chocolate biscuits). So he makes a grand gesture by tracking her down on Christmas Eve, doorknocking on every house on the street to find her, and they’re caught snogging backstage at the children’s Christmas concert.

Reality: David, a single man, is elected PM, which would never happen because voters are too conservative and love their “family men”. He commits sexual harassment in the workplace by flirting with his subordinate. Then he, dangerously, decides on the UK’s foreign policy on a whim because he can’t keep his petty jealously in check, only to then jeopardise her career and transfer her for doing her job. So to win her back, he wastes the taxpayers’ money by dragooning his security forces to gallivant around London looking for his squeeze. To cap it all off, he lies to his sister (who’s been having a really hard time) and says he’s at the concert because of his nephew and niece. Deal-breaker.

Verdict: Stalker. And workplace lawsuit waiting to happen.

EXHIBIT THREE: JULIET AND MARK

Movie version: Juliet and Peter have a magical wedding full of love, laughter and dancing. And best man Mark has organised some special treats, like trumpet players bursting from the pews. Mark also spent the wedding shooting video of the happy couple but when Juliet asks for the tapes (because the hired videographer stuffed up), Mark resists.

It’s because Mark is also smitten with Juliet but he’s too much of a good friend to Peter to do anything about his unrequited love. On Christmas Eve, he turns up at her door and silently professes his love with large cue cards but resolves to move on with his life. How sweet.

Reality: Mark is a weirdo in love with his mate’s wife. He plans their wedding around things she would like and probably wishes it was him walking down the aisle. He films her — only her — throughout the big day like the psycho peeping tom that he is. And then tells Juliet to lie to her husband (by saying it’s carollers at the door) while saying she’s perfect. Even though he barely knows her.

Verdict: Stalker. And crappy best friend.

EXHIBIT FOUR: SAM AND JOANNA

Movie version: Sam’s fallen hard (as only young kids can) for his classmate, Joanna. She’s a singer and to impress her, Sam learns the drums so he can play in the big finale with her at the school concert, hoping she’ll notice him. When she doesn’t, he runs through the airport to catch her at the gate (she’s returning to the US for the holidays). She rewards him with a kiss.

Reality: He’s a kid with a crush and probably dealing with a lot of emotional trauma so soon after the death of his mother. So he fixates on this girl who has the same name as his dead mum. When she doesn’t return his affections, he chases her down at the airport, demonstrating completely frightening lax airport security considering 9/11 happened only two years prior.

Verdict: Stalker in the making.