It’s been 7 weeks since me and my boyfriend moved to the USA for the summer. There have been fun times, there have been rough times, but it’s been a pretty damn positive experience so far.

Right now, however, it’s the first evening in the 7 weeks that my man will not sleep here in our bed. And this night will be followed by two others on which I will have to suck it up and sleep alone.

Yes, you think I’m a big fat cry baby. I hear y’all. “You won’t see your man for three days and it’s a big deal for you?”. “Can’t you entertain yourself on your own for a while?”. “Shouldn’t you appreciate that you have the weekend for yourself, you don’t have to do anyone’s laundry, take care of anyone’s needs, worry about anyone’s meals, and so on?”.

Actually, yeah, you are all right. It is no big deal. But I just feel so freaking alone. Little girl alone in a big city.

It’s been 7 weeks and I haven’t managed to make any real friends around here. Ahead of me is a weekend filled with emptiness. And I have only myself to blame – I don’t make enough effort with people.

I have been moving around for the past four years a lot. Two years at one school, two years at another. Always knowing that soon I will have to move away has caused me not to let anyone get too close to me. Because I’d know it would be temporary. And it would hurt to say goodbye.

Once I stopped letting people close to me, it was only a small step to letting myself slip away from normal social interactions altogether. If I can avoid social interaction with anyone else but my man, I will avoid it. And that would be fine. Except, it has started to frighten me.

The idea that I am here alone in my apartment, the idea that if I die here right now, nobody will know about it until three days later when my man comes back.

Today, I’ve realised I have to do something about this. I like talking to people. I hate being alone. So why have I created this artificial barrier that is meant to “protect me” from things I like and make me do things I hate?

It is fine. Tonight I can stay curled up in bed and feel sad and alone. But tomorrow is a whole new day. I have to find the strength in me to go out there, stop feeling self-conscious, stop being worried, and start living. After all, I cannot count how many times in the past four years I have regretted not having taken up someone on the offer to hang out.

I never want to have to regret this again.