WASHINGTON—Assuring citizens that catastrophe survival can be as easy as locking their feeble-bodied relatives in the basement and throwing away the key, emergency management officials recommended Thursday that families devise plans to ditch their weakest in the event of a disaster. “Most Americans know to instantly abandon their spouses in an emergency, and about half of American parents instinctively know to abandon their children, but it’s crucial to also have a list of which siblings and grandparents will be dead weight when shit hits the fan so that you can cut them loose, too,” said Federal Emergency Management Administration logistics expert Dr. Alan Monahan, adding that the fittest family members should inform their loved ones beforehand about which of them will be pushed off a roof during a flood or out of a moving car while outrunning lava flows. “We find it’s easier for people to leave Grandma and her wheelchair to ride out the earthquake if you have a plan. The important thing is you pick someone and make sure that there’s no chance for the weak to sap your precious and limited resources.” Officials have since amended their statement to advise discretion and restraint after the Eastern seaboard had descended into chaos upon learning the forecast called for thunderstorms.

Advertisement