50 States of McMansion Hell: Texas Part 2

Howdy Y’all! Everyone give me a pat on the back because I finally finished moving to my new place, which I will of course be writing about for Looking Around. Moving gives one time to re-evaluate one’s life, and by re-evaluate I mean ask oneself why one has so much crap, junk, and also more crap.



Speaking of crap: It’s time to return to our Texas Standoff! Reminder: At the end of this post will be a bracket and a link to a Google Form where you will be able to vote on the first round for Worst Texas McMansion!

Montgomery County (House 9): AKA The Columned Catastrophe

TFW u love Big Oil so much u design a house just to waste energy and laugh at the dying earth

Comal County (House 10): AKA Bitches Brew

Instead of cooking Hansel and Gretel in a puny (yet rustic) wood stove, the Witch decided to #upgrade and get a $6,000 Wolf range/stove combo with dual burner action. She lusciously prepares the aftermath on her granite countertops complete with built in #farmhouse sink. Before being cooked and eaten, Hansel and Gretel complemented the witch on her tasteful #subway #tile backsplash!

Kendall County (House 11): AKA The Compound

The only thing I can think of that’s as futile as trying to grow that grass is trying to put together the Ikea furniture you just bought after a day of loading and unloading boxes. But this isn’t about me, is it?

Travis County (House 12): AKA FastFood FanFic

[AU] [T] [Romance] Olive Garden x Taco Bell. It’s 1908, and Olive, an Italian immigrant seeking greener pastures in Southern California has her life turned upside down when she meets the bold, brash, and ambitious Mexican-American boy who helps his family run the taco joint down the street.

[I would like to take the time to apologize for these words which I have just put into this world]

Collin County (House 13): AKA Smallpox Estates

I didn’t realize Hobby Lobby sold home exterior decorating kits!! Brb hot gluing a bag of river rocks to my window trim.

Denton County (House 14): (AKA Clone Wars)

Sometimes a house is so wild, more than one joke on the picture would ruin its natural dramatic effect. Hence, the author would now like to use this space to point out that this house also has a nub, lol.

Fort Bend County (House 15): Lawyer Can of Shame

Sadly, the Smithsonian is not interested in my extremely fascinating and culturally important research on extremely bad and ugly home foyer typologies. I’m also probably on a government watchlist now.

Without further ado, our final house!

Rockwall County (House 16): AKA Satellite of Nub

Everybody who has been to college (or even a coffeshop near a college) knows that guy who pretends to be a beat poet and thinks that smoking joints in public and treating women like garbage makes him extremely cool and talented. The sixties were 80 million years ago and yet beatnik cosplayer dudes remain their longest-running export. (Stuff with The Beatles on it is the second longest running export.)

Time for (Jaws music)… THE BRACKET

Link to previous McMansion Hell Texas Post

(Might want to click to open in a New Tab if you’re not on desktop)

I’ve tried to make the bracket balanced and exciting, but like all brackets it’s probably not perfect.

Best of luck to our hideous contestants!

Well, that’s it for Texas! (For now.) Join me for UTAH next week, plus the results for the first round of the Texas Standoff!

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!

There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, monthly roasts of Important Architecture, and bonus essays!

Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs are used in this post under fair use for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2018 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)