We’re not going to call another referendum because we’ll f*cking well lose it, SNP confirm

The SNP has confirmed another independence referendum will not be held in 2017 as they’d get their arses handed to them in a sack again.

The party, which claims anything from Brexit to a light fall of snow on the Kyle of Lochalsh is grounds for seeking approval for the dissolution of the Act of Union, pledged to threaten a referendum at the drop of a hat whilst not actually calling one for the foreseeable future.

Listing a bunch of reasons for not calling a referendum including Brexit, uncertainty, a willingness to engage and Saturn being in the inauspicious House of Capricorn, the party omitted the important detail that they’ve got nothin’ except empty bluster.

Experts have suggested the Brexit effect of the shit hitting the fan just from breaking a 40-year union indicates the effect of breaking a 400-year one would be broadly similar to spraying high-pressure excrement at a 4,200 rpm turbofan engine.

Speaking from Holyrood, Nicola Sturgeon kept an admirably straight face for someone holding a pair of eights, a six, a nine and a copy of the rules of Gin Rummy.

“We reserve the right to threaten a referendum,” she told reporters. “Tories Westminster Out Of Touch Referendum.”

“Referendum,” she added.

In related news, Brexit campaigners still haven’t got round to explaining how they’ll end free movement over the Northern Irish border without fucking the Good Friday Agreement into a cocked hat, and studiously avoid the question whenever it’s asked.