Can y’all please go ahead and just make me governor so I can kill some muthafuckers? The governor we have now doesn’t seem to want to kill anyone, and that’s a tragedy.

Oh, sure, he likes to trot out tired old excuses like “No one will sell us the lethal injection drugs” and “We can’t kill people by firing squad, electrocution, or hanging because they’re banned by law.”

Well, I’m the top law enforcement official in the state, and I say to hell with the law! What good is the law if we can’t off some muthafuckers?

I don’t give a fuck what the law says. Let’s get some lumber and crucify some folks. If it’s good enough for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for some muthafuckers on death row.

Make me governor, and I’ll bring back state-sponsored shedding of mortal coils. And I’ll make it profitable at the same time.

And as far as those companies who won’t sell us the drugs because they don’t want to be associated with supplying the sweet elixir of capital punishment, they can all go to hell.

Make me governor, and I’ll bring back state-sponsored shedding of mortal coils. And I’ll make it profitable at the same time.

First, I’ll get them to give us the drugs. I’m that smart and good at talking.

Why should the state have to pay for them? Drug companies should have to bid for the chance to sponsor executions. Imagine how much business they would get if their logo was in the upper right-hand corner of the pay-per-view screen while Joe Rogan reminded viewers every five minutes “This execution brought to you by XYZ Pharmaceuticals.”

By the way, did I mention executions under Gov. Jeff Landry would be broadcast on pay-per-view? For $59.99, people all over the world would get to watch the great state of Louisiana off someone. Who wouldn’t take advantage of that entertainment bargain? We’re talking some serious coin.

Think about what we could do with all that money. We could literally kill our way out of the deficit. And that’s before we even begin to cull the herd on Medicaid.

Since 1993, I’ve been dreaming of being governor so I could have the power of the state to legally kill muthafuckers.

Department of Corrections Secretary Jimmy LeBlanc told me Louisiana hasn’t executed anyone since 1887. That’s too many lifetimes-that-should’ve-ended-by-execution ago.

In all my years as a St. Landry Parish sheriff’s deputy, I never killed anyone. I regret it to this day.

That’s why I want to be governor so bad, y’all. Since 1993, I’ve been dreaming of being governor so I could have the power of the state to legally kill muthafuckers.

But more important than my insatiable bloodlust, this is Louisiana. Killing people is who we are. Executions, Cancer Alley, deadly roads: They’re all part of the cherished legacy of our state.

Under Gov. Landry, everyone will know who the real capital punishment capital of the world is. Make me governor, and I’ll make Texas our bitch.