12/03/17

I originally wrote and publicly posted this two days before CPS and the Austin Police Department violently took my children from me and our home together. I was never warned or informed that their removal was even being considered, and no one told me that they were there to take my children until they had already tackled me on the floor with two knees in my back, as they stole my sleeping 8 month old baby girl from her bassinet.

I told my son everything was going to be okay. He sat next to me as we both shivered in fear while the cops pounded on the front door. I wouldn’t answer because they wouldn’t tell me why they were there, and I had no idea that there was any reason for them to be there to take my children. I didn’t know a CPS worker was there until I had already been manhandled, handcuffed, and seated in a chair.

I had literally been kissing my son goodnight, in the same way that I did every single night, when that hard knock hit the front door. My son and I both looked at each other, and we sat and shivered together for over thirty minutes while I tried to get someone, anyone, to tell me why 5+ police officers were at my door yet no one was informing me of why they were there.

The “good cop” eventually tricked me and got me to open the door.

I don’t think I will ever, ever, ever, forgive myself for falling for his lies.

I open the door and the bad cop tried to play nice with my son, but he was not buying it. Then, I saw it.

I saw someone lunge forward for Greyson, and that was it.

I grabbed him, I didn’t even think about it. Someone was going for my son and you don’t think – you just go.

I grabbed him, I held him close, and I ran back inside.

And that was it. They got what they needed. Now they could attack.

They ripped him from my arms. They tried to take my phone that was video recording, just like my abuser used to do (so I was really good at holding on), but the more I held on, the more violent they got.

Just like He did. Just like most abusers do.

They eventually got the phone out of my hand and threw it across the living room. Then they took me down to the floor, on my stomach, and two different knees in my back.

No one would talk. No one would answer my calm requests for someone to PLEASE tell me what was going on, why they were there, where my son was, why I was being handcuffed, if they could get off my back because I couldn’t breathe…they remained silent.

I still had no idea that they had taken my baby girl. I had no idea that the last time I’d see my son was the blur I saw as they fought to take him away from me.

I had no idea they were taking them.

Later, it was explained to me that you children are no longer in my care solely due to the facts that I was a victim of consistent and significant psychological/sexual/physical abuse, and a mother.

I am not a safe parent solely because I was a victim who fought every. single. day. to protect my babies from Him. There was no other way. I tried every other way and no one would help me. No one would help me protect them, they just wanted to give them to Him, unsupervised, with 0 rehabilitation, 0 classes, 0 jail time, less than two months after he first physically assaulted me. That was the assault where He violently strangled me, which a judge even signed off on as truth, yet the Guardian Ad Litem (my son’s lawyer, his sole voice in family court) was requesting for unsupervised time AND overnights after only – 1 – one hour supervised visit that she herself supervised (big no-no, but judges don’t care since most don’t know or care to bring in the psychology of DV/SA survivors/victims), three weeks after the judge ordered visits only through Planet Safe.

Eventually my (state appointed) attorney (at the time she was the head of the Protective Order unit in General Attorney’s office) advised:

“The best way to protect your son is to get back with Him. If you keep fighting the court system, they will likely start giving Him even more time, and even start taking custody away from you”

So I went back to him. I fought every day, but it was worth it. It was always worth it. I got to put my babies to bed every single night. I woke them up every single morning. I KNEW they were safe. I KNEW they were being cared for properly. I KNEW they weren’t being yelled at. I KNEW no one was close to snapping on them like they had snapped on me so many times before.

We were a team.

Greyson. Lily. Mom.

And now I only get to see them once a week while I fight to keep CPS from ripping them from their foster parent’s home in order to put them in the care of my abuser’s mother who has never lived in Texas, and has only been around the kids a handful or two of times. She’s never cared for both alone for more than an evening, she isn’t very familiar with the city, and the last time I saw her she yelled “YOU NEED HELP! YOU NEED HELP! YOU NEED HELP!” at me when we were trying to address her son’s violent actions the day after they took the kids.

…While I fight to proceed in criminal charges.

…And protective orders.

With no attorney who will even take the time to hear my entire story of abuse from both Him and the court system, or who cares enough to fight with me rather than “advise” me to comply and go along with the so messed up” system once again.

This is what it’s like to be a mom while also being a victim of domestic violence. This is what happens when you get help, when you were only back in a dangerous situation because of what “The System” advised the second time I tried to get help.

This is what CPS is doing.

This is what our court systems are doing to families of domestic violence. To mothers. To children – young children.

And I am done complying. It’s now my responsibility to get as much information about the corruption from the entire system that I have personally experienced since I first tried to get a protective order before my son was even born in 2015 (I didn’t qualify for one, so their best advice was for me to run away, out of state, and have my son in a shelter while we lived out life on the run away from all family and friends).

This is not just my fight anymore. Someone needs to help us. And if that someone has to be me, if I have to sacrifice the rights to my children so I can get this information out there, so be it.

My children wouldn’t have it any other way. They will not be disappointed in me. They will know this is my most powerful act of love. They will know I am sacrificing everything for them, and for us to finally be together again.

Because, after all, we are a team.

Greyson. Lily. Mom.

Help us.

Help me.

“One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.”

10/25/17

Time for a fun story about and examples of Travis County Texas CPS practices that could be fiction or could be based on actual events and experiences from an actual “intelligent” female/mother DV/SA victim. Who knows??

Note: I notice I switched between using you/I throughout the story. Too tired to care or edit at this point. But now you know that I know, and that’s what really matters. Anyway, onward!

First, they visit and call to tell you they just want to see the kids. They also call and text (/harass) your father when you don’t answer the door or immediately return their call. They say they’re “very concerned.” I call it intimidation and curse myself for giving the police his number. But whatever, right?

Then they have the police come out and do a wellness check on the kids since you wouldn’t let them in just 6 hours before their first contact, which you cooperate fully with and all check out. You even give ID and note the officer’s name and the time.

Oddly, the next day, CPS dude says his source showed that I didn’t answer the door and can’t seem to find any report of the completed check, even after I give the officer’s name and time of visit. He says since he can’t find the report, he still needs to see the kids (how convenient!), or he will have to send APD back out to do another check. I respond by promising to get all of the officer’s credentials this time as well as ask them the best way for CPS dude to find the report of their visit. Convo ends with CPS dude saying “Okay, Thanks! Stay safe!”

Then they have several 48 and 24 hour periods of radio silence, only to casually text again to see if they can see the kids. All they want is to see the kids. That’s it. APD never comes back out.

By day 5 of contact, you continue to try and figure out a way for CPS man to see your kids (so you can comply with the one and only request they have stated in the last 5 days) in a way that’s “sufficient for the department” but also not in violation of your rights, they go radio silent again before giving any sort of options.

The next day they ambush you in front of your child that you’ve just picked up from school with a constable man by their side, informing you that if you don’t “cooperate” and 1 – let CPS man into your home, see your kids and where they sleep and 2 – give them an interview, they will have a judge sign orders to have the children removed from their home.

When you ask to see the legal documents and signatures so you can confirm that the coercion they’re using is in fact stated in the order (and exactly how), as well as signed by a judge, you also see that the reason a judges signed off on this harassment was because, in CPS’ words, you were not “cooperating” with them by refusing to let them into the home, see the kids, or say much of anything to them outside of seeing what they want and figuring out how to get it done.

Which is weird, because no one from CPS, at any time in the 6 days we were communicating, ever told you that they needed or even wanted to go into your home. And while they tried to ask a lot of questions (after stating several times that they ONLY wanted to hear if the children were well/safe), they also never told you that they needed you to answer any questions outside of whether the kids were safe (and when they could see them).

If anything, it seems, they were the ones being uncooperative with their long periods of radio silence and never ever being forthcoming with what exactly they needed from you (in order to stall so they could tell a judge that after one week victim mother was being uncooperative in order to manipulate a signature out of them), which you make sure you calmly, but firmly, call CPS dude out on in front of constable man.

But since they know as well as your abuser (they ironically have quite an it in common) does that you will absolutely surrender and comply once the threat of losing your children (while they are sent to strangers or foster care – fun!) is on the table. Or even the slight hint that it’s something that could be on the table. So you unwillingly give them what they want, while feeling completely vulnerable and violated, just like you did too many times to count with Him.

Yikes! That got dark, sorry to get so “victim” on y’all there. I should really be thinking about how uncomfortable I may make people who could read this. I can really be so selfish sometimes. My sincere, totally not sarcastic at all, apologies, to those I might have made uneasy. Really. Seriously. I mean it. For real. My B.

Now! Time for the short – sample questions/convos from the “interview” CPS may have with a “very intelligent” Female/Mother DV/SA victim – portion of this fun summary post!

Example 1:

Q: So, you’ve had past experiences with abusive partners…do you realize that you have a pattern?”

A: ::Death Stare::

CPS Dude: Uh, uh, I mean, not like, uh, just…do you notice, uh, the cycle you seem to be in?

Example 2:

Q: So, tell me, what was it that you may have done to cause…

A: Ex-CUSE me? (Said calmly, but very firmly)

CPS Dude: No, no, wait, it’s not, um, just hold on it’s not what it sounds, I just uh, you know they can be provoked…NO WAIT! Calm down….

A: Oh I’m fine! But imma let you take some time to explain your question a little more, and so you can think real hard about what you say next, because I so hope you and the department are NOT asking me or other victims what I think you’re trying to ask me…

CPS Dude: NO! No! It’s not, I mean…

A: I think we should move on the your next question.

Example 3:

A: When I went to get the SANE exam…

CPS Dude: Wait, what? You got the exam? Like last week, not the one the first time?

A: Yes…APD said I could get one if I got there by 3 the same day. And I’m no dummy, you do NOT refuse a SANE exam no matter what- it’s the only evidence of anything that no one can say was manipulated or photoshopped. They document and photograph and even freakin’ measure every mark associated with the assault. I hope I won’t ever need that evidence, but I would be stupid to not get it if I can get it. Just in case.

CPS: …Are you lying? A: ::Death Stare + EX-SQUEEZE-ME?! Combo Look:: CPS: I’m sorry, it’s just, I mean…you seem very intelligent. I could tell that from your texts. And…I don’t know…

A: No, I get it. Intelligent women who are being fucked with is a very, very, scary thing. ***

*** I didn’t actually f-bomb there, but that was the gist of the response.





That, alas, brings us to the end of this fun and possibly mock or possibly based on actual experiences summary of how CPS controls/interviews “very intelligent” female/mother DV/SA victims:

After the fun hour + interview with CPS Dude, and after suggesting that someone may be visiting in the next few days, CPS Dude repeats “please, just don’t make me look bad” at least 5 different times while we wrap up his raid on my family’s evening. Which I reply back with “Okay Dude…but same to you. Don’t make ME look bad,” while I looked him dead in the eye and make him noticeably uncomfortable – every single time.

What could he have possibly meant by “don’t make me look bad?”