Well as you may have noticed, I is not doing any duty in that there Malta, because ... money. However, Garrett from eurovisionreland.net said, in his Irish accent, "Ah g'wan.. do me some writin there Mrs Doyle" and so, I've looked at the EBU video 'impressions' so you don't have to.

In my own inimitable style, I'll cast a viewer's eye over things. Don't say I'm not committed to the cause. So with thanks to the Eurovision Ireland crew, here are my 'reviews' for your delight - opinions are my own, of course!

Italy

Well from the get-go, the rehearsal "impression" isn't doing a lot for me. Now taking in mind it was very early in the morning, there are a lot of dropped notes here ... so much so that the stage needs sweeping to get them all in a bucket.

That's not being mean, but even at her tender age, if you are having difficulty singing the song - and it totally appears that Fiamma is - there is going to be significant danger of a poor result. This is in imminent danger of failing badly, and opening the show on a low note.

The first 45-60 seconds were not good at all and Fiamma cannot recover unfortunately, based on this one run-through it's all a bit meh. Andrew says Fiamma sounded "good" - I'm just hoping that was on the non YouTube recordings cos RAI ... gulp ... might be in for a shock.

Ireland

Looks like I’m your ears for this one as the boys missed it completely due to "technical" issues - have they been on the drink?

This provides a total contrast to Italy, because here is someone that can sing and perform to the cameras. Whilst Zena is on the stage, she owns the camera in the video that I am looking at. She also knows when to hit all the right buttons as the change of beat comes in, and this year TG4 have got the background right.

This looks very strong indeed on this evidence. My only gripe is that the song goes on one chorus too long for my liking.

Cyprus

Now comes the energy. Nothing says Eurovision like Hellenic banging drums, and again there is lots of choreography for George. The song reminds me of Stig Van Eijk crossed with some youthful exuberance.

The gaps in the song for choreography are striking, and it can be said that the songwriters ran out of ideas but George looks confident enough to pull off what he has to work with.

There will be lots of camera shots on him, and even if his vocal waivers like it did in the rehearsal video there is enough for the teen demographic to like. His English, though, little bit lacking methinks. He’s gonna grow up to be Sakis.

The Netherlands.

Again another juxtaposition here. After the class that was Cyprus, this is just underwhelming nonsense. The girls are dressed in 1982-style mini-pop-inspired outfits (and for the record “Everything on fleek” isn’t a thing …) and the hook, basically “Kisses and dances” is very very repetitive.

They don’t seem to be quite in-tune, but that could be the mix on YouTube. This would fit in well with Juniors of years gone by, but not the modern incarnation.

It’s just a one-minute idea stretched to three, and I‘m sure the girls have talent, it’s not showcased in this cheese-fest.

Israel

Welcome back IBA. A song that would not be out of place in a proper kdam given the treatment for junior. This is a perfect example, broadcasters of Europe, of how not to dumb down for the younger audience.

This song is mature, if a touch dated, and the kids work well together on stage and they seem to be enjoying singing a little belter of a song. Tim has a diva look about him, but not in a bad way and for all you adult followers. This doesn’t have a sideways strut, but it feels as though there should be one to put the tin hat on everything.

This is the best thing so far by a country mile. Ticking all the jury boxes and professionals and it has enough resonance with televoters. This should be top five.

F.Y.R.Macedonia

Well after last year’s success that was the Macedonian review, I can heartily confirm that from the video I am looking at, I shan’t be making any children from Skopje cry.

Martija has a cracking voice which doesn’t seem to be shown off to its fullest in the video because of the auditorium sound that is being fed in.

She knows where the camera is, which is a bonus, but I personally find the song a little bit lightweight, and it ends quite abruptly.

It doesn’t grab me and say vote for me, but its also not that offensive. I just don’t know where the votes are going to come from.

Malta

Christina starts off like Destiny did last year but then the song, sadly, falls off quite quickly and runs out of ideas lyrically when Christina starts going “ooh ooh ohh” a lot in the middle.

She tries to belt out this song but there is something lacking - probably in the quality - that make it almost painful viewing on this video evidence.

I suspect that Malta won’t be winning, but there will have to be some cajoling to ensure that this gets a decent result because on the shouty evidence I’ve just seen, it’s nowhere near. Sorry.

Poland

Poland doing what Poland does. Sending a strong song sung by someone wearing an Ostrich type skirt. If that’s her own clothes she needs Styling och consulting, if that’s her stage outfit, NO!!.

Anyhow, back to the song and this is vying for the best song of the day with Israel for me. Olivia is totally assured when she is singing this, knows where the camera is, and unlike some of the other performers today she has hit every note with the confidence of a winner.

It’s well written and again, like Israel, this is an adult song sung by a young person and it doesn’t matter because anyone could sing this, but no one as good as this! This is the first one that I can see the credits ruining at the end of Sunday’s shenanigans. You all be careful Europe!