Fans of Doctor Who pit Russell T. Davies and Steven Moffat against one another quite often, but this is the first we’re seeing of the two pitting themselves against each other. It’s like Day of the Doctor but nobody has any fun catchphrases.

Here’s how the fake feud started: in last month’s issue of Doctor Who Magazine, a fan wrote in to ask about the legality of the various marriages the Doctor has gotten himself caught up in over the with during Moffat’s run (for those keeping score, he’s been wed to Marilyn Monroe, River Song, and Elizabeth I). “Technically they’re all dead, so he’s a widower,” the fan notes. “But he could easily time travel back to when they’re alive. So is he a bigamist or not?”

Moffat’s response brought up that the Doctor’s marriage to Elizabeth could have been annulled because it was never actually consummated—which would appear to contradict a line from Russell T. Davies’ run, as another fan wrote in to point out:

I love your list in DWM 482 of the Doctor’s many wives. Did you ever think we’d be having that conversation, 10 years ago? But… what’s this? His marriage to Queen Elizabeth the First was unconsummated? But, but, but… in The End of Time Part One, the Tenth Doctor arrives on the Ood-Sphere to greet his old friend Ood Sigma with the words, “Got married. That was a mistake. Good Queen Bess. And let me tell you, her nickname is no longer… ahem.” So, what does that mean, boss? What can it possibly mean?? Steve, what does it MEAN??? Thank you.

I always just thought Ten was bluffing for the benefit of the Ood (he is about to die and wants to make his life sound pretty rad), but this fan would know better than me—he’s former Doctor Who show runner Russell T. Davies.

Oh boy. Here we go. Moffat responded:

Oh for God’s sake, PAY ATTENTION. You’ve gone soft up there in Manchester. Practically tofu, I’d say. Probably all that lazing about, never writing any episodes for me, even though I wrote six for you. Yes, SIX. Actually, no, SEVEN. Time Crash counts too – and it was for charity. But never mind, oh no, I’ll just type on and on and neglect my children, that’s fine! Okay, the facts. I said the marriage was unconsummated – and so it was. You saw for yourself in The Day of the Doctor – he ran straight off after the ceremony. Would we have put that on television if it wasn’t true? But I never said – not once, not ever – that the relationship was unconsummated!” Yes, Russell! I went there. Even as you gasp and clutch the furniture for support, I am writing in the pages of Doctor Who Magazine, about pre-marital shenanigans! I realise you’ve probably never heard of such unsanctified naughtiness – glancing at your resume, I see you write mainly about fruit and veg for Channel 4 – but it does go on, you know. Well, outside of Manchester. So there you are. You may sleep again. The Doctor’s boast in The End of Time (oh, and thanks for that title, just before I took over) and my statement that his marriage to Elizabeth was unconsummated are in no way contradictory. True fact! Accept my True Fact. Back away in shame at your wrongness. Actually, write me a story, and we’ll say no more about it.

Bold words, but considering that the two guys are pretty close (that “write me a story” Moffat keeps talking about is the fact that he invites Davies to write an episode for the series every year), I’m going to assume they’re just having a bit of a go at each other. You know, even if Moffat does go a bit over the top with it.

Ah, well, that’s all settled and everything’s—oh no, wait. Does this mean the Doctor had sex with Elizabeth when he thought she was a shape shifting Zygon?

Damn it, Moffat!

(via Radio Times)

Are you following The Mary Sue on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, & Google +?

Have a tip we should know? tips@themarysue.com