Local Church Declares Every Possible Activity A Ministry

EAST GRAND FORKS, MN—Lakeview First Church of God celebrated a milestone this week, as the last possible activity connected with the church was declared a ministry.

A beaming Pastor Larry Plame announced the news to his congregation during Sunday morning worship service.

“You know, when we started this thing, back in 1999, when we said ‘ministry,’ it meant something totally different. But we wanted to take the limits off God, and we figured the best way to do was is to affirm that God can work through every single possible thing. So, if you’re interested in serving not only in our Praise Ministry, Senior Citizen Ministry, Children’s Ministry, Youth Sports Ministry, Senior Sports Ministry, Clowning Ministry, or Pro Wrestling Ministry, there are signup sheets waiting out in the lobby after service.”

Although the church started with a handful of “standard” ministry programs—such as their Food Pantry Ministry and Nursery Ministry, Plame noted at a Tuesday morning press conference that the church knew one size wouldn’t fit all.

“We had people interested in doing life by hunting together,” the pastor explained to reporters, “which is where we got our Turkey Shoot Ministry. Soon after that, we recognized many of our parishioners enjoyed watching pro football after the service on Sunday, so we thought, why not make a NFL Watching Ministry? After that, things really started happening—and that’s when our Interpretive Dance Ministry, Experimental Drama Ministry, Dubstep Ministry, Pilates Ministry, Hot Yoga Ministry, Cold Yoga Ministry, Recycling Ministry, Cycling Ministry, and Unicycling Ministry all got their start.”

Church members report that the push to make every possible activity an official church ministry has made serving incredibly convenient.

“We’ve got a guy who oversleeps a lot,” the church leader said, referring to a man he says has “more or less” attended Lakeview for the last eight years. “So we founded the Sleep Through Church Ministry. Guess what? Now he’s serving.”

With that, Pastor Plame excused himself from the press event.

“I’d love to tell you more,” he apologized, “But I’ve got to catch a tee time for our Golf Ministry.”

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