The struggle.

I remember my first panic attack I was something like 8 years old and I went for a run. I like running. I would run a loop around my house. This time was different though. As I started running I felt something in my stomach. It felt like battery acid. I started crying but didn’t know why. As I ran cars started to stop to help me the crying boy. By the time I was home I was blubbering snot out my nose and couldn’t catch my breath.

I hate the word anxiety or panic because it makes it seem like something that you make up. Like a cold to get out of going to school. I come from a long line of tough men. Pioneers, ranchers and businessmen. They take pain. I can take pain. I laugh at physical pain. It’s a joke. I broke my wrist and kept snowboarding cause I didn’t wanna miss out. Getting kicked in the balls, welts, bruises, broken bones. Whatever. It’s not like I like pain but I can take it. My Dad is stronger than me by far he once walked on a broken foot for months like it was nothing didn’t even care to see a doctor. They had to re break it. The unspoken family motto is we don’t go to the doctor unless we’re dying. But anxiety makes me and my Dad (although he’d never admit it) curl up in a ball and cry for God to make it stop. It feels like your soul is being ripped in half. It makes you throw up in pain. It makes you whimper in terror. It makes you think and rethink your worst failures over and over so you can’t sleep. It is literally Hell on earth because you can’t escape. No matter how fast you run it follows you.

The most insidious thing about anxiety is how stealthy it is. It wakes you up at night in terror you can’t explain. Then you keep going with life. It shoves its venomous head in when you are weakest. Sick, rejected, tired, sad. For me it starts in my stomach. I’ve gotten ulcers I have IBS I throw up a lot nothing’s really wrong with my stomach though it’s just how it shows through. I will claim it’s just my stomach but it’s not. Usually it begins really light. So light you don’t notice. A headache. A stomach ache. A hard time falling asleep. Then something triggers it. Anything can. A friend says hi. A friend doesn’t say hi. You don’t get the job you wanted. A girl turns you down for a date. You have a meeting. You’re outside. There’s too many people. There’s not enough people. You feel lonely. You feel there’s too many people.

After it’s triggered it gets heavier and heavier and heavier. Deeper and deeper darker and darker. You act normal on the outside but eventually you have to get to be alone. Why? Because the break down is coming. The breakdown is like you just drank fire. The fire burns your belly but you can’t do anything to put it out. You taste battery acid. You try to take deep breaths but your heart beats fast no matter what you do. Your thoughts will be on painful things sometimes playing repeats of your failures, sometimes repeating your crazy again and again. Your head is feverish. You feel hot and cold and nauseous. This can go on for hours. But those hours feel like days. This process can happen a lot the build up and then the pain. The build up and then the pain. Over and over until you’ve given up. You can’t stop it. You can’t distract yourself. You try taking a bath. Running. Homework. Talking to people. Praying. Music. Anything. Nothing works. Slow build up. Giant pain. Slow build up. Giant pain. Tiny relief. Think of how you feel right after throwing up but then instant pain. This can go on for days. It warps your thoughts. You know certain things shouldn’t matter but even thinking about them can cause massive pain. I’m currently in the build up stage that’s been going on for 2 days. I didn’t sleep last night. I hope I can tonight.

This process takes a physical toll. Your body feels like it’s in mortal danger for a long long time and that is very tiring. The tiring nature of that makes you more prone to the attacks and so the process continues. You feel weak and sickly. Sometimes it seems almost like the flu. Just much much worse. Sometimes. The worst times. You get sick and have attacks at the same time. This is when suicide seems like a fun idea.

How does it end then? Usually after a while it recedes to the point where you can concentrate again. You can see clearly through the pain. You can reason that it was a panic attack that you just had. You can start to pick up the pieces.

There’s a period of time which I call the “hollow time” where your personality is gone. You don’t really feel anything anymore. Your nervous system has been so overloaded that there’s nothing left to feel. This is why many people who have anxiety can be robotic or monotone when they aren’t on a build up. Their feelings get deadened. This can spiral into depression when you don’t feel like doing anything. When nothing really gives you any sort of response from your nervous system. Fortunately this has always worn off after a few weeks for me.

How often does this happen? Well depends at more stressful parts of my life it would happen every week. Sometimes multiple times a week. That was hard. At other times only once every few months. Maybe even a year. I try not to think about it when I’m not in one. When I can I live life to the fullest. Relationships are hard because there are so many triggers. Also you sometimes feel on top of the world and call your friends and want to do anything. And then you’ll have an attack and can’t do anything.

How can you help? I’m not shy. If you met me you would never guess that I struggle with this. I would make jokes. I would talk to you. I’ve been popular. I’m not scared of you. I don’t even fear this anxiety. I know it can’t kill me. I’m a strong person. We’re not sissy’s just because we’re different. I do wish we could switch for a day so you could try it on for size. I’m sure everyone has their problems but I wish you could just try to act normal while the devil clawed around your chest for a bit. Tried to act normal while you feel like the world is running at a million miles an hour but also stopped in time. I hope that you think of that when you meet someone who obviously has problems. Some have it worse than me. I can’t even imagine that. Just love them. Love them with all you’ve got. Because it’s not their fault they act strange to you. Remember if you saw the world from their point of view what they do would make sense.

I try to live in the moment. This is the lot I’ve been given. I’ve seen psychologists. I’ve tried the things. Exercise and eating right and drinking water help. I refuse to do medication because of what it can do to people. I’m scared of it. This is who I am. I feel things stronger than other people. I care more than anyone should. I have powerful emotions that sweep me up and dash me against my pride. I hate it. I’m grateful for it. I struggle with it. I refuse to be ashamed because how I experience the world is different than you. I know my emotions don’t make sense. I know it hurts. But it’s a part of me. It shapes me. It molds me. It’s God’s greatest challenge in my life.

Let’s all try and be empathetic to others. You don’t understand what goes on in my head any more than I do in yours but I would sure hope that you don’t judge me for that. I won’t judge you. Thank you.