EUCLID, OH—After digging up its meal from a patch of ground in Memorial Park on Tuesday, an idiotic squirrel with an acorn in its mouth reportedly ran away and tried to hide from local 48-year-old Edward Trotter, as if the man weren’t already able to eat as many nuts as he wants to. “Look, buddy, I’m not going to take away that sad little acorn you got there, not when I can get any kind of nuts I want, in any flavor or combination, at any time,” said Trotter, looking down at the dimwitted squirrel, who appeared unaware that the divorced father of three’s pantry was routinely stocked with varieties of nuts far more delicious than anything the small mammal would have encountered in the wild. “Have you ever tasted a pistachio? Or an almond? Not fucking likely, dipshit. If you had, you wouldn’t be running away—you’d be begging to know how it is I’m able to obtain 3-pound tubs of honey-roasted peanuts. I get them year-round, too. Hell, even a raw, unsalted peanut is miles beyond what you’ve got in your paws right now, and I wouldn’t try to steal one of those from you, either.” At press time, Trotter was seen laughing derisively at the squirrel as he walked down the sidewalk and deliberately stomped upon acorn after acorn, grinding them into the pavement with his heel.

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