Tis the season to be jolly! Sadly all the added stress, extra time with family, mixed emotions, and increased alcohol consumption for many can cause a rise in domestic violence. When you hear the phrases “domestic abuse” or “domestic violence,” what images pop into your mind? If you’re like most people, you may imagine a woman being hurt by a man. Turn on the Lifetime channel or OWN and you’re likely to see a movie about it. While that definitely does happen and is very sad, there’s another form of domestic abuse that happens yet is rarely reported. It’s time to break the silence.

According to the CDC, one in seven men ages 18 and up in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime. One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. In the United States, a man is abused by his partner every 37.8 seconds. This translates to 2,286 per day! For something that is so common, why don’t we hear about it much? Unfortunately, many men are afraid to report it. They don’t want to seem weak or unmanly. Our society teaches men to be strong and silent. They are to be the providers and protectors, so it is very hard for them to get the courage to say that a woman is hurting them. Also, just like women who are reluctant to report the abuse for fear of retaliation from the abuser, men have the same fear. Especially if there are children involved. Men who are abused often stay in the relationship with the abuser to protect their children from abuse as well. Others do want help, but they don’t know who to turn to. There are some men who don’t even realize it’s a problem- they just decide to “take it like a man” and live with the abuse.

To make matters worse, when men speak up about the abuse, sometimes people don’t take them seriously. I spoke with several men (who wish to remain nameless for the sake of protection from the abuser) who stated that they reported the abuse to the police, but were not taken seriously. One officer even joked “Ok, what did you do to upset her this time?” If it were a woman reporting that she was being abused by her husband, would people be so callous?

One man interviewed admitted that he called the police because his wife physically attacked him. He even had scratches on his arms to prove it, but when the police arrived, HE was arrested! Can you believe that? The wife cried fake tears, lied to police claiming that she only scratched him in self-defense, and the police put him in handcuffs and took him away. He now has a criminal record of domestic violence- all because he tried to get away from his abuser! Two weeks later, his wife dropped the charges, however that arrest record will never go away. That incident occurred six years ago and since then she has used it as leverage against him. He attempted to divorce her several times, but each time she reminds him that because of his “violent criminal past” there is no court that will ever grant him custody of their children. Since he loves his children and wants them to be with them to stay safe, he vowed to never publicly report the abuse again.

This leads me to the next unspoken form of abuse- Systemic abuse. "Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone. "A man caught in this situation believes that no matter what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave. While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is more likely to happen when a woman is abusing."Batteredmen.com states that some women use restraining orders to abuse men. They will file a restraining order against them but later drop it. Then file another one and drop it. This kind of abuse is incredibly scary because it makes the man a prisoner to the abuser by using the legal system that should be protecting him.

Abuse is cyclical – The abuser threatens you, eventually attacks you (either physically or emotionally), they apologize, promise to change , or even offer gifts, things calm down for a little while which lulls you into a false sense of security, but then the cycle inevitably starts over.

Why not just ignore the cycle and tune it out? Why not just do what she wants and things will go back to normal? After all, “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” right? Ignoring the signs and giving in to the abuser leaves the victim constantly on edge. Every second of every day he is walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. He’s being traumatized by her behavior. Because he can’t predict her responses, he becomes hyper vigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves the victim in a perpetual state of anxiety and fear. His body is in a constant state of “Fight or Flight” with adrenaline pumping, heart racing, gut wrenching anguish. This leads to further health complications. “Happy Wife, Happy Life” is so dangerous because it neglects how serious emotional abuse is. A punch to the face leaves obvious proof, evidence to use with the police to put the assailant behind bars. Emotional abuse, which men can tolerate and excuse away as normal, can go on for years, leaving a person depressed, weak, desperate, and profoundly suicidal. They have lost themselves.

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According to Psychcentral.com here are some signs that a man is being abused:

• Abused men are more likely to linger at work or after-work activities because they don’t want to go home.

• When asked how the relationship is going, he will hide the truth, saying, “It’s going great.” He doesn’t want to appear weak, or if the abusive partner is present, he doesn’t want to incite another episode of abuse.

• Excessive reading, watching TV, or playing video games becomes his way of escaping reality. He also may turn to substance abuse, especially alcohol.

• Abused men demonstrate unwillingness to trust, low self-esteem, emotional numbness, or depression. In severe cases, this can lead to suicidal thoughts.

• Suicidal thoughts may stimulate a sudden interest in reckless behavior. This can be as casual as reckless driving or walking into the road without looking. Or it can be a fascination with extreme sports such as mountain biking, bungee jumping, and other thrills in which death would be considered accidental.

• Sometimes, the stress will manifest itself physically with vague physical symptoms like insomnia, fatigue, indigestion, and headaches.

If you or someone you know is being abused, please find help!

If you don’t feel comfortable going to the police, then here are some organizations you can reach out to.

• U.S. and Canada: 1-800-799-7233 The National Domestic Violence Hotline

• 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)

• http://www.stopabuseforeveryone.org/

• Dawn Center of Hernando County 352-686-8430

• http://www.hernandosheriff.org/DomesticViolence

• Hernando County Division of the State Attorney’s Office 352-754-4255

• Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119