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I’m a LIBERAL. Capital L and capital all the other letters, too. I’m so progressive that I already get it and have no more to learn. I am “woke.” (I saw that word on Twitter. Still not sure what it means, but I immediately knew it was about me.) I literally can’t be sexist or racist. I may have grown up in a patriarchal system of white supremacy that benefits my white male privilege, but I became immune to any of that affecting my brain the day I started calling myself a Liberal. Therefore, my objections to Hillary Clinton aren’t sexist. I just don’t like her! Here are all the non-sexist reasons I don’t like Hillary Clinton:

I dunno. There’s just something about her.

I think it’s her voice.

Also her body language. I just don’t trust it.

She happens to have a woman’s voice and a woman’s body, but me not liking those things are NOT related.

I just don’t like her policies.

Yes, they are the same policies as lots of other people, mostly men. I dislike them too, I just happen to have refrained from criticizing them out loud. But I think it to myself, so I’m treating them the same!

I would literally vote for any other woman, I promise.

What? Categorizing them like that is not sexist.

Although. Look at Margaret Thatcher. Right?

Sure, Nixon was a man who turned out to be corrupt and that didn’t deter me from voting for men again, but that’s different.

Every time her gender is mentioned it’s like people are saying we should vote for her just because she’s a woman and that is the real sexism.

She has obviously hired Donald Trump to help her win. Sure, she’s the most qualified and capable candidate ever, but she probs wouldn’t have much of a chance if she didn’t pay for that extra boost.

I mean, have you seen that photo of them together from 11 years ago? It’s proof that she orchestrated the success of this Hitler-talkin’ Cheeto and conspired to get him nominated. It makes much more sense to believe that than to believe a very rich man invited his Senator and the former President to his wedding so he could have a photo with them. Seriously, what kind of person would want their photo taken with prominent politicians who might help him get attention? Doesn’t seem likely that Trump is that kinda guy.

No, but, okay. There is just something about her I’ve never liked. I can’t put my finger on it.

OMG. Don’t get me started on her emails. My grandma can’t figure out how to use her emails either and it drives me CRAZY.

Also Benghazi. Am I right, guys? Guys?

She’s a corporate shill. Nevermind that literally all candidates take money from corporations. It’s not that politics is corrupt; it’s that Hillary herself is corrupt. She basically IS Donald Trump.

While we’re at it, Democrats and Republicans are basically the same and it makes me sick. Just look at their conventions and you can see who supports them. The RNC had lots of white men with celebrities like Scott Baio and Duck Dynasty. The DNC had women and people of colour and disabled people and Meryl Streep and Alicia Keys and Ugly Betty and Boyz II Men. The differences are tiny, and things like representation don’t matter or make an impact anyway. Underneath they’re all lizard people.

She used to be against gay marriage and then she changed her mind. Can anyone say flip-flopper? I’d rather she’d never changed her mind. I don’t want a president who listens and grows and changes with the times, I want someone who is stubborn AF and doubles down on their terrible positions.

No really. Just ask any woman or minority and they’ll tell you, Hillary sucks. I can speak for them, because I read a thinkpiece by a white guy about how women and minorities are going to be hurt by her and he would know better than them. After all, “women and minorities” are all one group with the same exact interests and thus it wouldn’t make sense for them to be divided over which candidate they should support.

Lots of women hate her as well, so my argument is totally backed up by females. And you know if a woman hates another woman it must be really bad. It’s like the saying goes: “There’s a special place in hell for women who have different opinions to other women.”

She is a conservative wolf in liberal sheep’s clothing. Her decades of public service have only been to help herself and get rich. Everyone knows that’s why people get into public service in the first place.

If Clinton wins it will not be because she’s earned it, it will only be because Donald Trump is such a bad candidate. There’s no other explanation.

If Trump wins it will be because Hillary Clinton is such a bad candidate and it’ll be all her fault that we have a psychopath as president.

All those Saturday Night Live sketches over the last 25 years about her being cold, calculating, and power hungry are probably on to something. That’s the Hillary I always think of. And it’s gotta be correct, because Lorne Michaels has always been on the right side of history and SNL has never had a misogyny problem itself.

She’s not very warm or engaging. That’s important in a president, because reasons.

Bernie supporters should totally continue to holler and throw a tantrum about not winning. It’s so unfair! She single-handedly divided the party, it’s her job to fix it now.

Bernie bros should also continue to boo and threaten Hillary supporters. There’s nothing aggressively sexist about that kind of behavior. So what if Hillary’s primarily female base haven’t acted like that towards us. That’s just a coincidence. It’s not because of gender, geeeeez.

Hillary’s female supporters were quiet and less enthusiastic throughout the primary campaign because they weren’t that inspired by Hillary. It’s not because they felt shamed or threatened by voicing their support. Look at the FACTS.

Sexism has nothing to do with this election. The first female presidential nominee in history is cool and all, but that’s proof in and of itself that sexism is not an issue anymore! The centuries of misogyny and gender bias that came before this won’t affect the election, because we’re cured now.

The real sexists are the Trump supporters. They use the B-word and the C-word and bring up Lewinsky. What pigs. I use non-gendered words like “witch” and “shrew” and make fun of her looks and age, because comedy! I would do that about anybody, I swear. I called Trump a Cheeto, and it’s exactly the same. I’m hilarious.

People who say “if you don’t vote for Hillary you are a sexist” are the real sexists. I mean, do you think calling me a sexist is going to encourage me to do some thinking and investigation into why I’m being called that and why I’m uncomfortable with it? Fuck no. I am what a feminist looks like, buddy. I say it all the time, so it must be true. For instance, just the other day I taught my girlfriend all about the evils of the beauty industry and told her how my boner actually prefers her without makeup. Just call me Mister Pankhurst.

Did you know that being called a sexist is worse than being on the receiving end of real sexism? My own feelings and how others see me are actually more important than gender discrimination. So go on and call me a sexist. I will just shut you down, because I’m an expert on myself and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be wrong about anything ever.

And while we’re at it, my issue with Ghostbusters is not because they’re women. It’s because reboots suck and also I saw on reddit that Egon’s ghost gave it a thumbs down and honestly I just want to cling to any reason I can find that this movie might be bad, there’s just something about it. But the reason this movie has had unprecedented backlash and an organized campaign to tear it down is because all reboots get treated like that. Seriously, it’s NOT the women thing!

I’m not saying sexism doesn’t exist at all. Rape and honour killings are totally bad. But that doesn’t happen in America. I wish American women would stop whining and see how bad it is overseas.

For realz. There’s no connection between serious violence against women and the fact that even women at the highest levels of power in the richest countries still don’t get respect. Like, you’re already a rich white lady with decades of achievement behind you. Now you just want to go to work without being judged for your clothes, marriage, parenting, or age, AND you don’t want to be held to contradictory double standards? Some people are so selfish. The daughters of men in foreign places are suffering far worse. We need to help them first so that one day, they too can achieve the highest office in the country and still get called a bitch for it.

Sometimes facts aren’t enough. Sometimes there’s just something about a person that rubs you the wrong way and that’s all the evidence you need. Pretty sure that holds up in court.

I think I’ve proven my point. Acknowledging that we all have gender bias is stupid. It’s not true for people like me, and it’s really not going to impact this election that much. It’s already barely come up. We should definitely talk about Trump’s misogyny, but Liberals are not the problem. I’ll still vote for Hillary, but only because she’s the lesser of two evils. And boy, is she an evil hag. So I won’t encourage other people to vote for her, I’ll constantly reiterate how reluctant my vote is, and I’ll be sure to bring up her faults in every conversation, because that’s how elections get WON. Right guys? Guys?