Why Should Every Transgender Person Be Writing?

Telling your story can have a deep impact on you

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

On a September night in 2012 I was eating dinner alone. My mind wandering when an idea, or rather realization, with enormous weight and clarity entered my mind. It was the idea of me having been born female.

I was not at all prepared to unpack this thought, but I sensed its importance. I immediately grabbed my notebook to record it, knowing I would need to return to and explore this idea further at some point.

I knew I had always felt abstractly different from others, but I didn’t understand what it meant for someone to be transgender. I only knew about it vaguely through jokes in movies.

It wasn’t until four years later, in 2016, when I started to begin to realize that there might be something more significant that I was dealing with- an inherent feeling that persisted.

All the while recording my thoughts and feelings in my notebook and letters to those close to me.

I was unknowingly creating a memoir for myself in the future.

Unknowingly recording a story that would change the course of my life. The story unfolding, and I writing it, unaware of the whole plot.

In 2017 I came out to my partner via a handwritten letter, because I’ve always been better at expressing my emotions in written words. I was confused, but needed to share what I was going through.

Several months later I decided to begin my transition.

Hesitant beginnings turned into more comfortable progress that turned into two years of transition.

Photo by Julia Joppien on Unsplash

I continued writing; examining all of my feelings, letting my emotions run across the page.

Some days were, and still are, incredibly difficult and all I wanted to do was return to how things used to be.

Other days I felt happier than I’ve ever been in my life; more present and more able to give love to others, more confident and content with the person I’m growing into.

Regardless of how I felt, if the emotion or experience was significant enough, I wrote about it.

I wrote enough that I could start to recognize trends in how I felt.

This is indispensable on the difficult days when I’m questioning every choice that I’ve made.

I can look back at my writing and see that on most days I am truly happy and grateful for where I am. I’m able to return to that mindset of gratitude and remember why I’m doing this.

I remind myself that most days are better.

Life is full of questions that have no definitive answer. So we are left with hunches and gut feelings. We are left with the question of, how do I feel on average?

So I turn to my journals and poetry.

Not only can I go back to the moment when I, for the first time, overtly realized that I’m trans, but I can also follow the journey through my own words.

I can begin to piece together if this is worth it.