Queen to pretend to be out when Boris Johnson arrives

Staff at Sandringham have been asked to tell Boris Johnson that the queen has nipped out when he arrives later today to ask the monarch to suspend parliament.

Johnson, who is expected to shamble untidily into Her Majesty’s London home and ask her to close parliament later this morning in aide of his no-deal Brexit plans, will be informed the monarch has been unavoidably called away to a six-month state visit to South Georgia, and that all the phones are down and so she can’t be reached.

Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth II will hide in her bathroom with the light off until Boris and his entourage goes away.

“It’s like when the Jehovahs Witnesses come round,” said royal equerry Sir Simon Prince-Williams.

“As head of the Church of England the Queen cannot join a berserk cult united in an evidence-free belief in redemption through the destruction of all things for the benefit of a blessed few – and she can’t join the Jehovahs Witnesses either.

“But she also can’t appear to be rude, as that might trigger a constitutional crisis and we know how that worked out for Charles the First – so hiding in the royal bog with the blinds down until he fucks off to consider Plan B seems like a reasonable solution to the problem.”

A spokesman for Boris Johnson said that he’d spent the last few years hanging around Number Ten like a fart in a Volkswagen waiting to be prime minister, so lingering in the hall at Sandringham for as long as it takes was just fine and dandy.

“She can’t stay in there doing Sudoku forever,” we were told.

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