Walter’s World - 32 - The Dukes of HAZARD, of COURSE!

Greetings, readers! I do hope you gleefully chuckled at the title of this installment, I racked my brain for hours to come up with that particular clever ditty!

I must admit to being a big fan of the Dukes of Hazard television program. Those Duke boys and Boss Hogg always found themselves in such wacky predicaments! And myself? Well, I constantly found myself enraptured by Daisy Duke’s jean-shorts! My goodness! If I were Bo or Luke, I certainly would not care if she were my cousin! Unto your back you go for deflowering, Daisy! But I digress.

Last week, a colleague informed me that my HEV suit certification had expired. You see, here at Black Mesa, mission-critical scientists must be trained on the proper use of the HEV suits every few years. However, I have managed to evade hazard course training for quite some time by using my superior intellect to outsmart my superiors. In fact, I had run the hazard course only one time previously, and that was way back when I was freshly recruited. The hazard course was quite different then! It was just a room which contained cardboard boxes, crates, some crude hurdles, and a leaking sewage pipe! We didn’t even possess HEV suits back then… we had yellow raincoats that had “SAFETY” scrawled onto the back!

But instead of avoiding HEV certification this time around, I eagerly made an appointment to take the hazard course. Why, you ask? Partly because I had yet to give the new HEV Mark 4 “a spin about the block,” and was curious to see what enhancements had been made since its previous incarnation, the Mark 3. The Mark 3 was quite advanced for its time, as a matter of fact: it not only kept us scientists safe from hazardous material, but it gave us all a brisk, close, three-bladed wonder shaving!

Also, I had been hearing rumors about the presence of a female on the hazard course! I assure you that this was not my primary reason for assenting, however!

Dr. Stevens led me to the hazard course, as I hadn’t the slightest inkling of its location. After all, I hadn’t taken the course in years and had never volunteered to be one of the fools who help run it, shouting silly words of encouragement to the participants. He helped me into my HEV suit, and I stepped into the elevator that led down to the course’s starting point, enduring long ride down. Eventually, the doors opened… and there she was!

The woman of my dreams! Actually, any sort of female would fit that description, but there she was… an actual mammary possessing girl!

I could hardly control myself and the HEV suit began to feel very uncomfortable in the crotchable area! After composing myself, I immediately ran to her side and attempted to thrust myself into her. But to my surprise, my hand just passed through her goody basket like she was not there at all! It was then that I cleverly deducted that this woman was in fact a hologram! She began to speak, mentioning something about being my “ho assistant.” What good is a “ho” if you can’t get it naked and writhing about the floor? I also alertly noticed that she had the same voice as the recorded one on the train system! I was absolutely crushed. The voice that had pleasured me so many times on my daily ride to work came from this two-bit holographic hussy! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women in see-through clothing, but this is absurd! Holographic women… I scoff at the very idea! Her breasts were not even bared!

I turned around and walked back to the elevator, only to discover that the only way out was to actually complete the course! I, the great Walter Bennett, would have to waste my time shuffling around in this infernal contraption in a meaningless attempt to prove my manliness! Ridiculous! But with no alternatives in sight, I gritted my teeth and followed the holowoman’s instructions.

The first part of the course was a breeze, thanks to my superior athletic ability and rippling muscles. Here is a photo of me catching “mad air” in the jumping test.

Yes, all was well… until I got to the “jump off the ledge and hit a target for no apparent reason” test! I do not think I have mentioned my slight fear of heights in this column previously, but I must admit that I was a bit apprehensive. Why, it must have been a twenty-seven-story drop to the floor! But being the manly man I am, I eventually dropped to the floor and broke my ankle! Fiddlesticks! I immediately slipped out of my HEV suit and fumbled around my undergarments for the medical syringe I always carry with me to heal myself. Whilst dilly-dallying about in my underclothes, a giant cock-roach nearly bit my entire foot off! And to make matters worse, it turned out that just around the corner there was a health dispenser. I could have saved myself some trouble by listening to the holowoman’s instructions, I suppose, but who needs instructions when you’re as smart and sexy as I am?

After easily completing a few more asinine tests, I began to grow weary of the pointless tedium. So I looked for ways in which I could “rip the system.” Long-time readers will no doubt be aware of my fondness for alternative music, such as those anti-establishment wonder-kinds, Rage Against the Machine! So I “fought the man” by pushing a box unto the holowoman! It was quite hilarious, not to mention rebellious and daring!

More pointless tests followed, but the situation improved when weapons were introduced into the equation! I quite enjoyed smashing things with the crowbar, but once I got my hands on the machine gun and some contact grenades… the fun began! I just love shooting things, even if they are just inanimate targets, so this was “right up my alley!” I did run into some problems with the unbreakable glass target, but after about forty-five minutes I figured out what I had to do. It’s a good thing I’m so smart, or I’d really be “up the creek!”

Near the end of the test, I had to actually interact with one of those brainless Barney’s. I patted him about the head to get him to follow me, then led him to the door. They are incapable of moving about on their own free will, by the way, and must be herded like sheep by specially trained Barney herders!

After Barney unlocked the door, I turned to thank him for his assistance. Sadly, while reaching out to shake his hand, my finger slipped on the trigger of the machine gun and I inadvertently unloaded a clip of ammunition into his belly! I sure hope he was hungry… for hot lead! Then, to my complete astonishment, the turrets on the ceiling whirred to life. I immediately ska-daddled, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire. I tried to destroy the turrets from a distance with my contact grenades, but my aim was a bit off and one bounced into a room containing a fellow scientist and yet another Barney! I sincerely hope they are all right…

And with that I gracefully mounted the train car and rode out of the hazard course, passing certification with flying colors. It was certainly an interesting experience, but a real man like Walter Bennett has no use for a silly contraption like the HEV suit. Our lab coats are more than enough protection from radiation and other hazards. They even contain polyester!

Goodness, chronicling my adventures ate up more column space than I expected. I only have time to answer one letter, so I might as well stay with the topic and respond to a query about the hazard course!

From: Jsp25

Subject: Hazard Course Greetings Walter!, I have a rather interesting query, well to me it’s interesting, about the Hazard Course, where does the tunnel at the end of the course actually lead to. It seems the light just fades until it’s pitch dark and the voice comes on.

You are correct, sir, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Most people fall asleep on the train due to boredom, soothed by the steady clickly-clack of the train car. That explains the “fading to black” that you mentioned! If you stay on the train long enough, you’ll come to a bar called “The Glass Beaker.” Many of our Irish scientists frequent it, because they are drunkards! The original purpose of the bar was to put those antiquated beakers to good use while providing a place where science team members could “kick it” after enduring the rigorous hazard course. I myself am not a drinking man, however, so I pay no attention to that seedy hole in the wall whatsoever. Speaking of holes in the wall, you’ll never guess what Dr. Johnson was caught doing yesterday! A viler man does not exist on this plain of existence. We’re starting to run dreadfully low on plaster!

I really should be getting back to work now, so I will leave you with a final thought: there are men in this world that are born to be leaders, and there are men in this world who are born to be meat beaters. I am of course referring to the butchers who cut up the tasty horsemeat that is served to us every Sunday here at Black Mesa! My thanks go out to all you apron-clad animal cutter uppers out there.

Until next time, keep eating cabbage!

Your dearest lovely,

Walter Bennett

Biochemist, Anomalous Materials Laboratory

Black Mesa Research Facility