A handy-dandy guide to what Establishment Dems say as opposed to what they mean.

Photo by Blog for Arizona

Purity tests are bad: We’re not obliged to meet the standards we expect the GOP to uphold.

Joe Biden isn’t a creepy kid groper: Photographic evidence is no match for my cognitive dissonance.

The DNC didn’t cheat Bernie in 2016: We get all our news from Maddow and WaPo.

Obama was the best president in living memory: We swooned when he sang Al Green but looked the other way when he bombed the living shit out of innocent civilians.

Vote Blue No Matter Who: We have an undeserved sense of entitlement to the votes of anyone who’s not a staunch Republican.

We dont need your votes: But we’ll blame your lack of support for our inevitable loss.

Russia gave Trump the election: I’d rather shoot the messenger than risk being Arkancided.

Bernie isn’t a real Democrat!: We will vote blue no matter who* (*unless it’s Bernie Sanders)

Hillary was the most qualified candidate in 2016: We consider narcissism and sociopathy to be the most important traits for a U S. President.

Biden is leading in the polls: Biden is polling at 150% with the coveted Telegraph demographic.

We have to unite against Trump!: Not being Trump is the only selling point we have.

Medicare for All will never happen: There is no way we’re pissing off our insurance industry donors just to save the lives of the hoi polloi.

ANY Democrat is better than any Republican: Vote for whatever shitty corporate neoliberal we choose for you.

How much is Putin paying you?: We have no cogent response to your argument and must resort to red-baiting.

If you don’t vote blue, we’ll get another four years of Trump and it will be all your fault: We tried and failed with the guilt-tripping technique in 2016, but we lack any other strategy.

I got cyber-bitchslapped by a Berner, and now I’d never vote for him: I was never going to vote for him in the first place.

Let’s just get a Dem in the White House and worry about policy later: We have absolutely no intention of disturbing the status quo.

If you refuse to VBNMW you’re privileged: The irony of typing this from the apartment we gentrified you out of completely escapes us.

Caucuses should be abolished: It’s way harder to rig a caucus so they must be eliminated.

Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in the world: We really need to meet a broader range of people.

There is no difference between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren: We hope that if we repeat this enough times people will start to believe it.

Trump is evil incarnate: But our neoliberal candidates all gave him a standing ovation anyway.

HRC isn’t running. Stop denigrating her: We know that whether she throws her hat in or not, she holds our Party’s purse strings and Progressive insubordination will not be tolerated.

Rural areas are lousy with uneducated Trumpsters: The closest we’ve been to a small town is a flyover between N.Y.C and L.A.

We love JFK and RFK: Because after more than half a century they are still carrying a Party they wouldn’t even recognize today.

The DNC is an independent entity and has no obligation to nominate the peoples’ choice of candidate: Democratic primaries are political theater to convince the masses they actually have a say in their future.

I will only vote for a woman: I get all my news from The View.

Warren will ensure every American has access to healthcare: We’re fully aware that access does NOT mean affordability, we just don’t care.

Obviously we’re just scratching the surface folks. Don’t worry. More to come.

Photo by The Daily Star

If you enjoy my writing, please consider sponsoring my work on kathleenpadden@patreon.com

Or follow me here on Medium: kathleenpadden@medium.com

You can also donate directly through Paypal: kathleenpadden@aol.com

My work is solely reader-driven. Support independent journalism!

Thanks for reading.