Responding to National’s announcement that it would raise the retirement age from 65 to 67 in 2037, ACT leader David Seymour has announced his party’s intention to see the age raised to 69.

“After extensive consultation with caucus, and with my friends of ACT on Campus, I’m proud to announce that it will be ACT’s policy to raise the retirement age to 69,” said Seymour at a media stand-up outside Wellington’s Cosmic Corner, before he was momentarily startled by an interjection from the Bucket Fountain.

“Oh, right, so,” he chuckled to himself, realizing the noise was just splashing water and not the last vestiges of his soul spilling through his rib cage. “Did you hear the number I said?”

The small throng of media gathered for Seymour’s announcement affirmed that they heard the number.

“Yes, ah, well, I think it’ll be really… ah, good,” Seymour said, wiggling his eyebrows in the style of a caterpillar trying to maintain an increasingly tenuous grip on its upside-down world.

Seymour later issued a media release clarifying the policy would be “nice.”

Following a lack of reaction to the media release, Seymour followed it up with a tweet:

An hour later, another:

The policy would amount to a four year increase on the current retirement age of 65.