Crystal: Well folks, as you can tell from the title, this is going to be a bit of a rant. Also, the Moritz post was by FAR our most popular post, so I’m continuing the use of the word “shit” in one of its many forms in the hopes of having another record-breaking number of readers.

Jonathan: Maybe we should use the poop picture again!

Crystal: No, I really don’t think we need–

Jonathan: Yes!

Crystal: Great.

And so I put this question to you: why do people suck?

This afternoon, after watching a VERY exciting Packers football game, Jonathan yelled from outside (I was vacuuming) and came to the window holding up a sweet, confused, deaf and blind cat. I’ll let him tell you how it went down.

Jonathan: It went down like this yo. I was in the garage, doing the woodworking thing when I laid eyes on the neighbor lady walking up the street in her bare feet. I was like ‘Phyllis! Why you got no shoes on yo?!’ and she was like ‘I’m going to check on this cat’. So I was like ‘What cat yo?’ and she was like ‘This one over there.’

Crystal: All right Pinkman, just tell the story.

Jonathan: DAMN yo!

Anyway…why she was on the opposite side of the street from the cat she was going to ‘check on’ was beyond me. Of course at the hint of a small furry beast in need I dropped my hammer and chisel (actually, gently placed the aforementioned tools on the work surface so as to damage neither the tools nor the work surface) and rushed to see what was afoot.

A Smart Car was parked in the middle of the road…running. Its owner was standing in the neighbors yard holding the little beast in need. There was no crying happening so I instantly surmised no vehicular assault had occurred with respect to said beast, and that the lady holding the feline was in fact the owner of the Smart Car (why they’re called ‘Smart’ is beyond me…talk about a death trap) and she had left her car in the middle of the road to rush to the aid of the fuzzy creature.

Despite my utter distaste for Smart Cars and their owners (though not as strong as my loathing of anything related to the Prius) I felt an immediate kinship with the woman for leaving her car to fend for itself in the road when clearly this cat had the greater need. She was obviously on her way somewhere so without preamble I plucked the four legged damsel-in-distress from her grasp and headed toward our house.

Crystal: Well done.

So there we were. Four cats plus one canine in the house, and nowhere to keep this poor unfortunate soul because of her obvious flea infestation.

Jonathan: Obvious is an understatement. Stevie Wonder could see that this poor thing was infested with fleas.

Crystal: It’s true. She was all white and you could see the flea dirt everywhere…and of course these things always happen on a Sunday. Our own excellent vet, Dr. Laurie at the Animal Clinic of Benicia, does not have weekend hours, but if she did she would’ve helped this cat posthaste, no questions asked.

Jonathan: It’s true. Animal Clinic of Benicia is BADASS! They helped us out when Bella decided to snack on some sunscreen one morning. We’d never been there before and they got us in…immediately. They also got Moritz in immediately a few months back when we fairly certain his little ass was headed toward the light. Dr. Laurie and her crew saved his life. These guys love animals and they will give your pets the best care you’ll find around here.

Crystal: Couldn’t agree more. But unfortunately they weren’t open today so we were forced to look elsewhere.

Jonathan did some research and we found two places that happened to have Sunday hours. I won’t name them because this is how the conversation went both times:

Unhelpful Vet Place: Hello this is blah blah blah pet clinic, how may we help you?

Me: Hello! My husband and I found a cat stumbling across our street. She’s blind, declawed and has fleas. We have pets of our own and can’t take her in the house. If we brought her in would you be able to scan her for a microchip and get her cleaned up? If she has no chip we’ll keep her until we can find the owner, but right now with the fleas we just can’t put her anywhere.

Unhelpful Vet Place: Well we have no appointments available today so all we can do is scan her for a chip.

Me: You can’t clean the fleas off?

Unhelpful Vet Place: No, we have no appointments available. You can call Animal Control.

Me: Um…what exactly would they do to her?

Unhelpful Vet Place: We don’t know.

Jonathan: Are you fucking KIDDING me?! No appointments available to help a poor, blind, deaf, flea-ridden feline, and a suggestion to call Animal Control with ZERO KNOWLEDGE of what Animal Control would do to this cat. You, Miss Utterly Useless, are an asshole. I hope a Rottweiler comes in today with explosive diarrhea and shits in your unhelpful face…RIGHT when your eyes and mouth are wide open in shock.

Crystal: Gross, but an appropriate fate for that cat-hating harpy.

Jonathan: Speaking of poop…

Same poop, different perspective. Note the fur in this shot. I hope it hurt when it came out.

Crystal: I have no words.

Next, Jonathan suggested calling Pet Food Express, where Solano County Friends of Animals works on the weekends doing adoption fairs. This is how that conversation went:

Pet Food Express: Hello, Pet Food Express, how may I help you?

Me: Hello, is Solano County Friends of Animals there today?

Pet Food Express: Yes, they’re in the cat room.

Me: May I please speak with one of them?

Pet Food Express: Sure, just a moment.

Nice SCFOA Lady: Hello?

Me: (repeat spiel from phone calls to Unhelpful Vet Places)

Nice SCFOA Lady: Oh my! Well, let me check and see if we have any flea bath medication here in the store.

(pause)

Nice SCFOA Lady: Unfortunately we don’t have any in the store, but if you bring the cat to my house after I’m done volunteering here, we can clean her up.

BAM! Finally! Someone willing to help this creature!

But it was at that moment that the Shitty Pet Owner from down the street came to claim this cat.

Jonathan: But before we get to her, let me say how awesome that lady from Solano County Friends of Animals is. ‘Bring the cat by my house when I’m done working’?! That is a whole lotta awesomeness right there. THAT’S somebody who really loves animals. Here’s to you lady!

Crystal: Indeed. That was a person who is sure to take care of her own pets. NOT like the lady I’m about to tell you about.

Now, I understand that letting cats outside is a matter of personal choice. I simply don’t believe in it at all. I think it’s a bad idea. But, there are people who do it and do it successfully.

Jonathan: There are. We have friends who let their little guys fight crime against the evil rodents and songbirds of their neighborhood, and with the exception of the occasional mouse head or bird carcass in the middle of the kitchen floor, they’ve had no problems and have three perfectly healthy and thriving little cats. I still wouldn’t do it.

Crystal: Me neither. But people like Jonathan just described are NON-shitty pet owners whose cats are given flea medications, are NOT declawed in case they need to defend themselves, and are NOT deaf and blind.

This woman trotted down the street and said, “Oh yeah that’s my cat,” and proceeded to pick her up as Jonathan was telling her that the cat has fleas. Her response? “Oh yeah, she probably does.”

EXCUSE ME?

That is not the correct answer.

She also informed us of the cat’s deafness, and the fact that the cat is 19 years old. “She usually just hangs out in the driveway, but I do worry about her when she’s in the front yard because she can’t hear the cars coming.”

THEN HOW ABOUT YOU CLEAN HER UP AND DON’T LET HER OUTSIDE YOU STUPID $!#@%!!!!!

Jonathan: I believe the word you’re looking for rhymes with what you do in football on 4th and 7 when you’re too far out to kick a field goal.

Crystal: I was going to say bitch…but that would work too.

Sorry, this kind of thing just makes me crazy. Why do you even have a cat if you aren’t going to take care of it? Obviously this woman has NO clue the kind of damage fleas can do to older cats. A single adult flea consumes many times its weight in blood over its lifetime. If an older cat has a lot of fleas, the blood loss can be severe, resulting in anemia.

Also, YOUR CAT IS DEAF! AND BLIND! AND HAS NO WEAPONS! It has NO business being outside. Period, amen.

All right. I think I’ve expressed my feelings to the fullest. Now on to a different topic. Many of you know that I like to write. I’ve written two historical fiction novels, and I’m working on my third novel which is a modern day thriller. You can read more about the first two on my author website, Pages n Paws. I’ve decided to participate in NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month! It starts November 1st and the challenge is to write 50,000 words in one month. I’m pretty excited about it!

I’m also hoping to attend the Night of Writing Dangerously. From 4 pm to 11 pm on November 16th, writers gather in the Julia Morgan Ballroom in San Francisco and write, write, write! To be eligible I have to raise $275; $375 if I wish to take my hot husband who looks extremely dapper in a suit. Part of the proceeds go to fund the Young Writers Program. So, if you’d like to help me out, click for my Night of Writing Dangerously fundraising page and donate! Your help is much appreciated!

Jonathan: Poop.