Coming Out

TW: suicide, racism﻿, sexism

Society, we need to talk.

I used to think that labels like man, woman, straight, gay, British, Chinese were nothing. No really, I thought they did not exist. I thought, since these are just nebulous, ill-defined concepts, since they were made up entirely in the minds of people and since they don’t fully represent any of the people they purport to apply to, that they are completely useless and so can’t really exist. Therefore, to get hung up about applying any of these labels to myself would be a complete waste of time and energy. As long as I understand myself, I thought, that was all that mattered.

There is a problem though. These labels aren’t useless. They were invented by people, certainly, but so have an endless number of things. Money, governments, taxes, universities and churches are all examples of concepts invented by humans that don’t represent anything in the physical world and to a certain kind of person could be seen as useless. Pounds Sterling are useless to anyone located somewhere that uses a different currency. Governments are useless to anyone who lives beyond their jurisdiction or anyone else who cannot vote such as all 83,023 people in prison across the UK in December 2019. Taxes are useless to anyone who sees no benefit from those taxes, such as people who live outside of a given tax regime. Universities are useless to anyone who cannot afford or is not interested in any of the courses offered by them and churches are useless to atheists.

Yet, each of these must be useful to someone, otherwise they would fall out of use. Money is useful to those who are able to use it to get others to do something for them. Governments are useful to those who seek to impose rules on others and have the means to influence which rules are implemented. Taxes are especially useful to those whose lives depend on an income which they are unable to generate for themselves. Universities are useful to those with the means and motivation to attend and churches are, of course, useful to Christians.

The same is true of the terms man, woman, straight, gay, British and Chinese, it’s just a little harder to pin down since many different people use these labels for different reasons.

So what happens when somebody is identified as, for example, a man. As far as I have been led to understand by society at large, we are saying that:

We should refer to this person using the pronoun ‘he’,

He should have a penis,

He should have a scrotum,

He should have one X and one Y chromosome in each cell,

He should have more body hair than average,

He should be strong,

He should be unemotional,

He should be rational,

If he is not already, he is destined to become a father and probably married to a wife,

He is likely to be paid more than average,

He is more likely to be imprisoned,

He is likely to anger easily,

And he is more likely to die at his own hand than by any other means.

Clearly, these are generalisations and some are blatant stereotypes. Nobody is the perfect embodiment of manliness and even if they were, they would be an immensely flawed person. I don’t believe that when most men (or women, or straights, or gays, or Brits, or Chinese people) describe themselves thus, that they are truly saying that they perfectly embody absolutely everything associated with the term.

So why use these terms? I believe that terms like these should be used flexibly and with the understanding that they are referring to a hazily defined grouping of people who share some of a broad range of qualities. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. The phrase man up is just one all too familiar phrase used to shame men for being perceived to fail to meet some of the criteria associated with being a man. Some who tick many of the boxes of manhood can be prone to competitiveness and experience a cruel fulfilment by emphasising their superior manliness. I think that this is barbaric and contributes to the proliferation of the less desirable qualities associated with men. (higher rates of depression, suicide and domestic abuse perpetration for example)

So where does that leave me?

We live in a time when a growing number of people are questioning these labels, especially those of gender. I am among them.

I fail to see any value in describing myself or being treated as either a man or a woman. Both come with a huge volume of expectation and many stereotypes. I aspire to be strong. I aspire to be emotional. I aspire to be caring. I aspire to be rational. These qualities need not be mutually exclusive; we can choose any of them we want. I want the way people address me (and the way I address myself) to reflect that.

And so, I am here to share with you that I identify my gender as non-binary, that I would be most appreciative if you could remember to use they/them pronouns when referring to me (if in doubt, just use my name) and that I love you all, especially if you are still reading, regardless of the words you use to try and explain your own unexplainables.

Much love,

Cam