Thank goodness for these important community service announcements. Photo: Getty Images

If you're a woman, you're probably already aware that it's your earthbound responsibility to keep things tidy and not let on to men that you're a disgusting trainwreck of a human being. This usually means a variety of incredibly interesting and fulfilling activities like hiding evidence that we need food to function, perfecting the art of the 'natural' make up look and learning to speak as if we're whispering to his nipples (but not in a slutty way).

Luckily for us, we are literally surrounded by people who want to tell us how to be Proper Ladies. Take the recent archive flashback published in TIME magazine. In 1942, the magazine took it upon themselves to advise women how they should be eating spaghetti. Prior to this very important community service announcement, attempts to consume the slippery food item were disastrous. With no proper instruction, most women were just staring blankly at the plates of food their boyfriends or husbands had so considerately ordered for them. I say 'most women', because a handful disgraced themselves by diving headfirst into the bowls and chomping away like a cocker spaniel. And if I hadn't had the good fortune to stumble across TIME's archived piece, I would have still been eating it like that to this day. Thank you, men who edited TIME in 1942.

There have been other conscientious men and women throughout history who've helped women learn how to make themselves acceptable to a judgmental audience. For those who need a refresher, I've gathered some of the best etiquette tips for women throughout the ages.

1. Women shouldn't laugh in public


This one is important, because it comes not just from a man but from a politically elected man official. Male legislators are obviously the best placed people to tell women what we should and shouldn't do with our bodies and lives, and luckily they love their jobs. Earlier this year, Turkish Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc advised women against laughing in public because it was 'unchaste'. See, women cannot laugh without opening their mouths. And when you see a woman with an open mouth, three things immediately spring to mind. The first is that it was by opening her mouth that Eve at the apple and caused Adam and her to be tossed from the garden of Eden. The second is that women open their mouths when they are about to speak, and women speaking is either illegal or should be. And the third is that open mouths on women are provocative and make men think of sex, and this is women's fault. In conclusion, don't laugh because you are a slut.

2. Women shouldn't drink alcohol

Alcohol is the devil's drink and women already have a hard enough time resisting the appeal of Beelzebub. When women drink, they may as well be inviting Satan himself to do with them what he will. When women consort with Satan, they are exposing themselves as harlots and heathens. Now, this might be fine for a night or two of fun, but Good Men don't want to bring this kind of woman home to meet their families. So if women want to get married, we should only drink water or that lemon cayenne pepper fasting drink that helps us lose weight, because women are also fat and gross.

3. Be a creature unlike any other

This piece of advice comes from seminal 90s wife guide The Rules, a book which made two women very rich but hopefully not richer than their husbands because men need to feel like they're the provider otherwise their genitals shrivel and die and misandry has won. Being a creature unlike any other involves "brushing the hair out of one's face, 'in a slow, sweeping motion', smiling all the time while avoiding eye contact, and 'walking briskly' around the room without ever stopping. It's a little bit like being a Scientologist but without the tax breaks and terrifying underground prisons. If I could be a creature unlike any other, I would probably be a cross between a unicorn and a mermaid who also has the ability to travel through time and space.

4. Be silent and receive instruction willingly

This piece of advice comes from a very famous work of fiction known as The Bible. It is probably the most famous anthology of work to have ever been written, and if it were released today then it would win all of the world's literary awards because men writers are the most interesting and also their books are just better. But anyway, one of the contributors was a man called Timothy, and he wrote in his chapter that "A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness". If you don't understand this, it's okay you are probably just not very good at recognising quality writing.

5. Keep your mouth clean

And that means, no profanities. Nobody likes a potty mouthed lady. You can't spell 'unladylike' without the word 'dyke' in it, and only angry, foul mouthed lesbians who believe in 'women's rights' and 'equality' would ever sully themselves by calling someone a dickblister. Women who swear like sailors turn men off because it's degrading, and the only people who are allowed to degrade women are men. So please, stop swearing because men don't like it.

In fact, just stop doing everything that men don't like because the most important thing we can do as women is make sure that we are pretty, docile flowers wiggling calmly in the breeze and waiting for men to come along and pick us. I would recommend that you tattoo all of these instructions onto yourselves so that you don't forget, but women with tattoos are whores.