Shape-shifting lizard community appalled by Prince Andrew nonce allegations

Self-respecting reptilian shape-shifters have been appalled by suggestions that one of their number might be some kind of nonce, it has emerged.

The evil lizards, which eat rodents and form a large part of Britain’s monarchy, have been incensed by media reports that the one who poses as the human individual known as “Prince Andrew” may have let the side down somewhat by consorting with an underage human female – or “girl”.

“Andrew”, as he is known, is alleged to have met the girl through registered paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, who also did a pretty good job of managing The Beatles until his suicide last week.

The lizard known as Andrew was himself appalled by attempts to link him to grooming, which is different from the grooming the lizardess known as “Princess Anne” does on her horses and normally involves hours and hours of sitting by a computer waiting for something to happen.

However, Andrew the Prince was quick to point out that if you are a lizard, you probably don’t own a computer or the keys to one of Jeffrey Epstein’s apartments and, if you did, the possession of sticky feet would present considerable practical difficulties.

But critics have pointed out that Andrew’s lizard-like ability to run across the surface of water may have helped him on his various secretive trips to New York, which is separated from Buckingham Palace by the large body of water known as the Atlantic Ocean.

Yet Andrew’s supporters point to his ghastly physical appearance as being a considerable deterrent to any females, of legal age or otherwise, who may be considering sleeping with him for money or allowing him to place a claw around their waists like in that totally innocent photograph.

Prince Andrew was unavailable for comment this morning and was said to be allowing his body temperature to regulate itself by sitting on a rock in sunlight.