jeremy1990

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I am Eurasian of English & Philippine ancestry, Australian by birth. I grew up here in Perth, Western Australia and have lived here my entire life... so.. I guess you would assume I'm an aussie right? from what I've seen & experienced I disagree.



Living life as child was the greatest gift ever given to me. Worry free, Trouble free, playing with friends, mixing with others, equality, and sense of belonging; those were the days, then I guess as people say, we grow up.



Being a teenager has been the most difficult part of my life both physically & mentally. Starting high school in a predominantly white area didn't start off well for me. I was the only non white in my 8th & 9th grade class and due to that I copped all the racist abuse and remarks, however this was only the tip of the ice berg in comparison to what I experienced during my later years.



I eventually got into the whole heavy metal scene and that's where the racism really started to gain strong ground on me. I met people at my school who were also into the metal scene in my senior years. We had common interests so it was quite easy to befriend them, This is where it the majority of the racism really got to me and changed how I view my friends, family and of course, life.



A lot of the times they would question me why I would listen to heavy music, labelling it as the white mans music and the music for an alternative to the whole hip hop scene. I would question what they meant by that and they would always reply with the same sort of response, being 'You're bloody asian / You're a gook and there are no colored faggots in metal' - Those were the most common responses I would get. I guess you can deduce from this they weren't friends, though I still stuck around them hoping one day they would accept as a friend & equal, not as inferior, unfortunately it never came and instead just got worst.



Their hatred for people of color slowly came out over time, of couse most evident in their conversations. They would talk constantly about race, in particular the 'asianisation' of Australia. It was from here on I wanted to move on and get as far away from these people as possible because I was no racist and was half asian at that. During their conversations they would always relate it to me somehow and pin their misfortunes on me; this would probably erge you even more to get away from such animals but instead it weakened me and I began to believe the words comming out of their mouths. My self confidence dropped, my ability to hold conversations & positive body language also plunged dramatically. Due to this I couldn't move on, I was scared to do so and I feared if I tried to meet new people within my school I would be rejected instantly for being asian or having asian blood in me. Due to this I stayed with them and continued to be hated, rather than leaving them to be lonely.



I later found out two of them were hanging Nazi flags in their bedrooms but I was still too weak to stand up for myself and what I thought was right and continued to be their racial amusement.



I'm now 19, school was out two years ago but everything they spoke about has sunk deep into my head; 'race mixing is wrong, it's an act of genocide, killing off the existance of the white race and infecting our gene pool' - Those words and many others play over and over in my head and have up to today influenced how I treat my family & friends, especially my mother who carries the asian blood; I have become very racist.



In a nutshell, I've become a white supremacist.



I don't want to live like this and I absolutely hate it!



I don't mean to cause anger, nor do I want your sympathy but help on how to rid myself of these horrific ideas!



I do apologize if I have caused anger.





By the subject name of this post I know there are going to be plenty of people out there who aren't going to be happy with me but please, I didn't start this thread to make enemies, I know I need help but I just don't know what to do anymore.I am Eurasian of English & Philippine ancestry, Australian by birth. I grew up here in Perth, Western Australia and have lived here my entire life... so.. I guess you would assume I'm an aussie right? from what I've seen & experienced I disagree.Living life as child was the greatest gift ever given to me. Worry free, Trouble free, playing with friends, mixing with others, equality, and sense of belonging; those were the days, then I guess as people say, we grow up.Being a teenager has been the most difficult part of my life both physically & mentally. Starting high school in a predominantly white area didn't start off well for me. I was the only non white in my 8th & 9th grade class and due to that I copped all the racist abuse and remarks, however this was only the tip of the ice berg in comparison to what I experienced during my later years.I eventually got into the whole heavy metal scene and that's where the racism really started to gain strong ground on me. I met people at my school who were also into the metal scene in my senior years. We had common interests so it was quite easy to befriend them, This is where it the majority of the racism really got to me and changed how I view my friends, family and of course, life.A lot of the times they would question me why I would listen to heavy music, labelling it as the white mans music and the music for an alternative to the whole hip hop scene. I would question what they meant by that and they would always reply with the same sort of response, being 'You're bloody asian / You're a gook and there are no colored faggots in metal' - Those were the most common responses I would get. I guess you can deduce from this they weren't friends, though I still stuck around them hoping one day they would accept as a friend & equal, not as inferior, unfortunately it never came and instead just got worst.Their hatred for people of color slowly came out over time, of couse most evident in their conversations. They would talk constantly about race, in particular the 'asianisation' of Australia. It was from here on I wanted to move on and get as far away from these people as possible because I was no racist and was half asian at that. During their conversations they would always relate it to me somehow and pin their misfortunes on me; this would probably erge you even more to get away from such animals but instead it weakened me and I began to believe the words comming out of their mouths. My self confidence dropped, my ability to hold conversations & positive body language also plunged dramatically. Due to this I couldn't move on, I was scared to do so and I feared if I tried to meet new people within my school I would be rejected instantly for being asian or having asian blood in me. Due to this I stayed with them and continued to be hated, rather than leaving them to be lonely.I later found out two of them were hanging Nazi flags in their bedrooms but I was still too weak to stand up for myself and what I thought was right and continued to be their racial amusement.I'm now 19, school was out two years ago but everything they spoke about has sunk deep into my head; 'race mixing is wrong, it's an act of genocide, killing off the existance of the white race and infecting our gene pool' - Those words and many others play over and over in my head and have up to today influenced how I treat my family & friends, especially my mother who carries the asian blood; I have become very racist.In a nutshell, I've become a white supremacist.I don't want to live like this and I absolutely hate it!I don't mean to cause anger, nor do I want your sympathy but help on how to rid myself of these horrific ideas!I do apologize if I have caused anger.