Maintaining ideological purity requires constant vigilance. The Commissars in the old Union of Soviet Socialist Republics knew this well. This is why they assigned zampolit, or political officers, to serve at the side of regular army officers.

When an army officer might have an errant thought pop into his head and order his troops, “Right face, harch!” the zampolit would be there to gently correct him. “That’s left face, comrade.” And so the great march of socialism continued along its scientific path.

Eastern Michigan is stealing the soviet idea, and will install zampolit in each academic department so that both students and faculty are showered daily with politically correct ideology. Doubtless, once other universities discover EMU’s trailblazing, they will follow suit.

They’ll be forced to. Standing pat would be racist.

For, you see, the zampolit are there to appease demands from Eastern’s Black Student Union who, in the best traditions of the old Commissars, have put forth a 10-point plan (which actually is 11 points; but math can be a tool of oppression). The Administration is fully behind this necessary political action. As you will see, only racists would disagree. Here are a sampling of the 10 points. The zampolit arise in point #3.

#1: “Percentage of Black faculty to equal that of Black students at EMU (excluding Africology & African Studies faculty)”

Diversity, as is proper and as Yours Truly has proven to you time and again, always means mandatory quotas. Always. Certain departments will be mandated as more equal than others and will be allowed to break the quotas.

#2: “All students will take a general course on race, ethnicity, and racism.”

That non-black students are forced to sit through a course which teaches the greatest of blacks and the not-so-greatness of non-blacks, a not-so-greatness which includes biases, privileges, and various inbred, non-eradicable tendencies will in no way exacerbate any animosity between racial groups. Far from further dividing peoples based on hyper-recognition of differences that don’t matter but do and the purposeful differential treatment mandated among these peoples, these classes will bring harmony and lead us to the nirvana-like state of Awareness.

#3: “A course on Black studies will be built into the curriculum of every major.”

Black student leaders are working closely with faculty administrators to explore curricular options to further this goal. There are well-understood challenges in attempting to incorporate Black studies into every major. For example, it may be difficult to incorporate Black studies into certain natural science majors, and doing so across all majors will require revisions to many courses.

It will indeed be difficult to figure how race fits in with cross-products, pions, and proteins, but together with these Black student leaders we can find a way. I humbly offer these few course suggestions, drawn from my own field (and statistics will have to have its own zampolit). Readers will doubtless think of others for other areas.

P-values: Oppressive Tools of the White Hierarchy P-values were created and promulgated by people of no-color, and are therefore suspect on those grounds alone.

How Excel Reveals White Privilege What color are the empty cells on a spreadsheet? Coincidence? Or subtle plan of denigration?

#4: “Mandatory cultural competency training for all faculty and staff, including DPS”

Ideological purity begins at the top. Which is why it makes sense to reject, say, a cosmologist who spends all his time thinking about dark matter and who doesn’t give a significant portion of his mental resources to pondering Black matters.

#5: “Designated space where marginalized students can gather safely and learn about financial and academic resources available to Black students.”

Ypsi (as the locals call it) can be a dangerous place. But as of last check, the danger wasn’t from roving mobs of people of no-color. Why not, then, make the entire campus a safe space?

Before we go, let’s return to the goal of the zampolit and other initiatives: Unity. Having kids scurry over the quad saying, because they were told to say, “I’m black! I’m black!” or “I’m white! I’m white!” is, I think readers will agree, the best way to eliminate the knee-jerk reaction we all have and which cause us to say “I’m black!” or “I’m white!” and to treat people based on their race. This is why treating people differently because of their race is the best way to not treat people differently based on their race.

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