"Victory!" screams the front page banner headline of North Korean daily the Pyongyang Democrat, above a report outlining how the Democratic People's Republic of Korea torpedoed hapless Brazil in a 29-0 rout, in which bespectacled man of the match, chairman of the National Defence Commission, general secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, supreme leader and midfield general Kim Jong-il scored 28 goals, with his late father eternal president Kim Il-Sung chipping in with a victory-sealing 30-yard surface-to-air missile in injury-time.

Elsewhere in the Pacific, the New Zealand Herald has taken time out from celebrating their brave boys' late equaliser against Slovakia to pour scorn on a Sydney Morning Herald headline which they claim was part of a brazen attempt by the Aussies to claim the credit for the All Whites' well-earned draw. "Cringing from the still raw memory of their own team's hiding at the hands of Brazil, the Sydney Morning Herald today ran a story on the All Whites' 1-1 draw with Slovakia under the headline 'Australasia 1-1 Slovakia'," wrote a slightly confused Herald hack. "That's right - apparently New Zealand has ceased to exist and is now part of a country called 'Australasia'." And apparently Germany has ceased to exist and is now part of a country called "Brazil".

In Wellington and North Island's Dominion Post scribbler Marc Hinton reports that "All Whites fever has broken out in the All Blacks with New Zealand rugby's finest well and truly caught up in the exploits of their cross-code cousins in South Africa." The Haka-performing muscle-men took time out from plotting Saturday's humiliation of Wales at Carisbrook to watch Winston Reid, Ryan Nelsen and chums pull off their historic last-gasp moral victory.

"I think probably the whole team watched it," revealed All Blacks assistant coach Wayne Smith. "I dozed off at the wrong time, but struggled to stay awake and missed the goal, but I'll catch it on the replay." Asked if he was concerned that the burgeoning popularity of the All Whites might overshadow the efforts of his rugby players, Smith was unconcerned. "I don't even think about it, I don't care about that. All I care about is the team, the performance and us being proud of ourselves," said the man who owes football a huge debt of gratitude, considering he wouldn't even be in a job if William Webb Ellis hadn't decided to cheat that time back in 1876.

Considerably closer to home, under the headline "England: you're running scared!" the Sun reports that Clint Dempsey has been banging his gavel and delivering a "damning verdict on Fabio Capello's men". In a series of quotes from which the words 'running' and 'scared' are conspicuously absent, the USA man doesn't so much deliver a damning verdict as casually observe the blindingly obvious: "Honestly, it seemed during the game that they were dealing with a lot of pressure," he said. "They were edgy, there was an edginess to their game but I think they're a team with quality and they should play with confidence."

A forlorn looking Robbie Earle features prominently in most of today's papers after being dismissed from his cushy £175,000-per-year gig as a pundit with ITV1 because 37 tickets he'd bought through ITV1 for family and friends for the Holland v Denmark match fell into the hands of models employed as orange-clad footsoldiers for some beer company's ambush marketing campaign. Earle has since denied any wrongdoing, although the Sun suggests he's "passed on" up to 150 tickets since the start of the tournament. Not a staggering amount, admittedly, although he'd look very stupid indeed if they were questions on Mastermind.

"Robbie is a smashing bloke but our inquiries quickly established there were other games in which he had passed on tickets," said an unnamed ITV source. "We cannot say whether any of this was for financial gain. But Robbie was dismissed with immediate effect." The mysterious affair leaves several questions unanswered: 1) How popular a bloke must you be to be able to buy 150 tickets for mates who just happen to be in the Soweto area without arousing suspicion and 2) why couldn't it have been Alan Shearer?

Away from the World Cup Rafa Benítez used his official unveiling as the new Inter manager to speak out about his sadness at having to leave Liverpool. "It was not easy - the fans, the Kop have been fantastic," he said, shortly before sticking the knife in. "I needed to move, Inter is a massive club," he said, the tacit suggestion being, of course, that Liverpool is not. Benítez had advice for his former American bosses on who they should appoint as his replacement, suggesting Kenny Dalglish. "He is the man for the job," said Rafa, who is no doubt aware that Tom Hicks and George Gillett think Dalglish is anything but and was mischievously stirring the pot accordingly. "The owners should listen to the fans because they are unhappy." Unhappy enough to organise another of those really effective 200-yard protest ambles from a pub they were going to be in anyway to a match they were going to anyway? Only time will tell.

If Liverpool fans are unhappy now, they'll be even more unhappy when they read the Daily Star's account that Real Madrid are ready to buy Steven Gerrard. The news that they're also after Wayne Rooney and will pay £110m for the pair might cheer them up a bit, as will the fact that the Star's exclusive isn't backed up by anything stronger than a wishy-washy quote from an anonymous Real source that could be the bored looking, gum-chewing kid working in the club shop for his summer holidays.

"The lure of London," could prove too strong for Juan Román Riquelme to resist, according to his Mr 15% Barry McIntosh, who says the Argentina playmaker may turn down approaches from four other Premier League clubs in order to live near the Natural History Museum, Buckingham Palace and that while playing for West Ham.

And finally, the lure of Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan's money could prove too strong for Barcelona players Yaya Touré and Dani Alves to resist, although there's every possibility we're being excessively cynical again and they've genuinely always wanted to live within easy access to the collection of Pre-Raphaelite paintings housed in Mosley Street's Manchester Art Gallery.