Hello, I’m a Social Justice Warrior, and I’m Here to Take Your Guns

Hello, I’m a Social Justice Warrior, and I’m here to take your guns. So, if you could gather them all up and leave them next to your DON’T TREAD ON ME sign, you can get back to watching TV, presumably that new Kevin James show. This will only take a minute.

Yes, you heard me correctly. The liberal media has tricked you into thinking that a scenario like this was “a conservative conspiracy theory” or “Sean Hannity dystopian slash-fiction,” but here I am. Now give me your guns.

Please don’t make me call my gender-queer friends waiting in the Prius. They hate all men.

I can see that you’re confused and possibly angry (or maybe that’s just how your face is), but since I double-majored in Communism and Political Correctness Studies at a famous Ivy League college, let me educate you. Guns are just the beginning. This is the New America, the one that Reddit has warned you about. First, we take your guns. Next, we install illegal immigrant mayors in small Midwestern towns. By the end of the decade, with some minor tweaks to the Common Core, every American child will be gay.

Please stop yelling. If you think you have a right to your opinion, you’re wrong. This is a democracy for people who donate to PETA. This is a democracy for people who ride recumbent bikes to work. This is a democracy for people who read the New York Review of Books. We know what’s in your best interest. You’re an anachronism, pal. You might as well take your Styrofoam cups and your headphone jacks and get the hell out of here.

The Constitution? Yeah, we’re done with that. We’ve enlisted a group of multi-racial women, The Founding Mothers, to draft a new document, The Socialist Mixtape, which will become the law of the land. We’re only going to let non-white, low-income women vote for the first 150 years or so — just until things settle down enough to let white men have a say.

There are a couple of other things you should know. When you’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, you are now required by law to say “one nation, under a groove.” Also, after careful deliberation, we’ve decided to change the National Anthem to something a little less militaristic: Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car.” Standing while the anthem is playing will be optional, but bobbing your head during the acoustic guitar breaks will be strictly enforced.

By the way, America is now gluten-free.

Why are you on your knees? Oh, that reminds me: you can’t wear that cross necklace in public anymore. It’s a security risk. If you ask me, it’s time to get serious about radical Christian evangelicalism. That’s why we’re going to start using drones in the War on Christmas. Nothing lights up a manger scene like hellfire missiles!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First things first: give me your guns. The U.N. needs them.