The Multi-Layered Self: Why We Grow in Parts

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Every individual is complicated.

There are many different aspects of our self, depending on our genes, our environment, our relationships, our health, our education, our job, our beliefs, our emotions, and our past experiences.

All of these factors come together and influence each other to create “you” as you perceive yourself.

But even that isn’t the complete story, because these factors are constantly changing and evolving, just as “you” are constantly changing and evolving.

Our self exists, but it is dynamic and largely impermanent. As we grow older and build new experiences, we take on new forms and lose old forms.

Think about yourself 5, 10, or 20 years ago, and note all the ways you and your life have changed over the course of those years. Some things you’ll find have changed dramatically.

Now imagine yourself in the future in 5, 10, or 20 years, and understand that you too will be a very different person than you are today.

We don’t change completely, or all at once, but we change in parts. Some years of our life seem focused on one particular dimension, while other years seem focused on another dimension.

For example, a few years ago I was very focused on my psychology, beliefs, and mental health. But now I’ve made amazing stride in those areas of life, so my focus has shifted toward work and relationships.

Here is a great quote from Anais Nin that I believe gets at the very core of this concept:





“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin

It’s helpful to understand this imbalance in our self-growth and self-improvement.

We can’t focus on improving everything about ourselves all at once, because we have a limited amount of willpower in any given day – so spreading ourselves too thin just leads to burnout, increased stress, and failure.

Instead, it’s best to focus on just one area of your life at a time. Identify the area in your life that you want to work on first, then put your energy into that.

The interesting thing is that once you start improving one area of your life, it gives you motivation and inspiration to improve other areas of your life as well.

The smallest of success stories are evidence that we have a real effect on how we live our lives.

Even when we focus on a specific dimension, say “health,” it’s important to focus on small and gradual change, not sudden and drastic change.

I recently saw something posted on a popular “self improvement” site that said: “Eating a piece of cake after you go to the gym is just as bad as not going to the gym at all.”

I disagree. Going to the gym and eating a piece of cake is much better than not going to the gym and still eating that piece of cake anyway.

The point is we can’t be too hard on ourselves when we have minor slip-ups or mistakes. Any step in the right direction is a step in the right direction. Self-growth is jagged, not linear – it has both its ups and downs.

Sometimes it’s even good to give into our old habits and desires every now and then, because trying to exercise too much willpower and be “perfect” 100% of the time can be unrealistic and unhelpful. It often leads to idealistic expectations and disappointment.

For example, in some cases experts on alcoholism may recommend moderation instead of abstinence.

This is because when individuals practice abstinence with anything, they are striving to have a 100% perfect record. So when they do slip up, they experience what is known as the “what the hell” effect.

They have a drink, they feel they failed themselves completely, so they think “what the hell” and go back to their old negative habits.

The problem is that many people have a simplistic view of self-improvement.

They expect to change something about themselves overnight, and don’t recognize the longer and more jagged path that self-improvement usually requires. This is true in almost any domain of life, whether it’s health, relationships, goals, work life, or whatever.

Slow and steady progress is the key to long-term happiness and success.

And a big part of that is accepting our multi-layered self, and just how complicated our lives can be sometimes. We cannot expect to change it all at once.



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