2018: A year in review As we look back now, 12 months on from the start of 2018, it is amazing to remember the atmosphere […]

As we look back now, 12 months on from the start of 2018, it is amazing to remember the atmosphere of pessimism which hung over us at the start of the year.

2018, by contrast, has brought joyous global unity, as fears for the present and future melted away, leaving the polar bear of progress splashing around happily in its constantly-expanding sea.

Career-change of the year

In the early months of the year, Donald Trump continued to divide opinion like a chainsaw-wielding psychopath divides a basket full of kittens, culminating in him attempting to shore up his core support by pledging to replace Obamacare with Choleracare, under which a life-changing dose of a serious illness will be given to all low-rate tax-payers and feminists.

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‘President Pence ended the year defending his record on the fair distribution of handmaids’

The former President mellowed somewhat after quitting the White House in the wake of the Senate vote to decommission his Twitter account, and joined the American PGA seniors golf circuit. (“It’s what I’ve always truly wanted to do,” said the President as he teed off with the late Bobby Jones at the Codgercorp Nursing Home Invitational in Phoenix.)

The new Secretary Of State, Gennadiy Arcadiyevich Solpovolov, made a strong impression in his first few months in the job, despite some murmurings of discontent about his suspiciously sudden rise up the political ranks from total obscurity, whilst President Pence ended the year defending his government’s record on the fair distribution of handmaids.

Comeback of the year

After a long time out of the public eye, God belatedly reassumed a more active, interventionist role, and, amidst scenes of understandable global excitement and/or anger, cleared up the lingering confusions over which was the correct one of Her many franchises.

Surprising many with Her several appearances from behind clouds, on the tops of skyscrapers, out of burning bushfires, the newly-transitioned deity’s long-overdue clarification brought peaceful reconciliation to most of the world’s leading troublespots, as the major religions shook hands, congratulated each other on a terrific contest, and united as one.

One former religious leader said: “Well, we weren’t that far off. I’m just pleased we can all now put any disputes behind us and move forward for the good of all humanity.”

Survivor of the year

If Theresa May triumphs in the election on 10th January, it will make it an unprecedented five general election wins for the beleaguered Prime Minister, even if the much-desired overall majority remains a pipe-dream.

She clings to power with impressive tenacity. A final, binding intermediate decision on the preliminary terms for the opening pre-secessionary phase of Brexit should materialise early in the New Year.

Entrepreneur of the year

Elon Musk, the obviously fictitious entrepreneur, inventor and futuristicovisionarian, launched the first prototype of his much-anticipated new Hyperpult, a transcontinental catapult that can fire passengers from Berlin to San Francisco using only energy from recycled avocado stones, and promises to revolutionise global travel as soon as the landing mat proves more reliable.

But the entrepreneur who made the biggest impact in 2018 was Musk’s rival, Arnelius Snork, whose downloadable potato offers hope of an end to global hunger, just as soon as the retail price of the accompanying Snorktech VegePrinter 8000 falls below the £99000 mark.

Fashion trend of the year

Invisible tattoos were the hot celebritrend of the year, as A-listers lined up to tell the gossip mags the moving personal stories behind what was not visible on their skin.

Doping scandal of the year

Will politics ever be the same again? After Philip Hammond was forced to resign as Chancellor Of The Exchequer after testing positive for fiscambutamol, an illegal economics-enhancing steroid, can we truly trust our politicians anymore?

Sports story of the year

The 2018 football World Cup dominated the sportsyear, as the self-proclaimed “most defensive sport in the world” built on its global popularity with a flurry of all-inaction nil-nil stalemates, praised by learned critics for the thrillingly organised tactical discipline of the teams and the managers’ quite intoxicating minimisation of risk.

Underdogs England, after a reassuringly unadventurous 0-0 draw with Panama, made it through to the knock-out phases, and came home to a heroes’ welcome after a backs-to-the-wall 1-0 defeat in the quarter final against Brazil, having sat tenaciously on their one-goal deficit for 89 minutes after Gary Cahill’s early own-goal, a hoofed clearance which ricocheted into the net off nine different team-mates’ legs in a crowded six-yard box.

Cultural event of the year

Michael Gove’s debut volume of autobiographical beat poetry, Minister Sinister, became the most-read collection of verse since The Once Was A Lonely Old Duck – The Limericks Of Neville Chamberlain hit the shelves in 1937.

The Queen’s album of thumping hard-palace dance anthems topped the charts for 15 weeks either side of the royal wedding, and provided further proof of Her Majesty’s willingness to move with the times to keep the monarchy relevant.

Downfall of the year

‘During the course of the trial he turned himself into a pint of lager and poured himself down a stenographer’s blouse’

Retired former number-one-ranked Ancient Greek deity Zeus became the latest high-profile figure to be prosecuted for historic sexual crimes, after police were handed a collection of incriminating myths containing what they described as “quite appalling behaviour, in the classic pattern of a powerful, entitled male abusing his position of influence”.

The erstwhile King of Olympus denied any wrongdoing, claiming the accusations were hearsay, although during the course of the trial, he did turn himself into a pint of lager and pour himself down a stenographer’s blouse.

Apps of the year

Hot on the heels of the likes of Uber and AirBnb, sharing-economy apps continued to dominate the mobile world.

FinishMyDate enabled romance-seekers to tag into someone else’s awkward dinner with a near-total-stranger, whilst DoMyTime paired up prison convicts wanting to get back into the free world and rebuild their lives, with unemployed agoraphobes.

Environmental hero of the year

Before his departure, Mr Trump announced a new $250-billion fossil-breeding scheme. “Fossil fuels are a fundamental human right for all Americans,” said the tearaway tycoon in an emotional speech at the annual American Luddite Convention, attended by 83 million delegates in North Dakota.

“But we must think of future generations, and replace what we are using, so that our children, and their children, and their children’s children, can still drive a truck to church, and enjoy the simple pleasures of coal.”

Andy Zaltzman is performing ‘2017: The Certifiable History’ at Soho Theatre until 6th January and is on tour with ‘Satirist For Hire’ from 13th January. For tickets see andyzaltzman.co.uk/shows