Name: Learjets.

Age: 51.

Appearance: Whooshing, expensively, across the clear Swiss skies to Davos.

The annual World Economic Forum, dedicated to – among other things – serious discussion of how the 2,500 delegates drawn globally from the highest echelons of politics and business may unite to combat climate change? Yes.

Coming by private jet? Yes.

How many private jets? An estimated 60% of the heads of state and industry invited will be taking about 1,700 private flights in and out of Zurich and other airports to attend.

To attend discussions about climate change, overconsumption, man-made pollution, unsustainable living, that sort of thing? Yes. What’s your point?

A private jet burns as much fuel in an hour as a car does in a year. Are you talking about a Learjet, a Cessna Citation, a Dassault Falcon, Gulfstream or a Challenger?

I think all of them. That’s good, because they’re all coming in and out of Davos this year.

Do you not think that’s a little hypocritical? In what way?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? You don’t get to Davos by taking notice of little people’s complaints.

No, you get there by fossil fuel-burning private jet. Exactly. Otherwise someone might have missed the VTR Bank’s opening party, with gold-and-neon-light-clad women serving caviar and vodka and performances by Grammy-winning guitarist Al Di Meola and other stars. Or their share of the cocktails being mixed by the 25 expert bartenders flown over there from London’s LiquidChefs.

I see. But seriously – how else are important, busy people, who also need privacy and, this year especially, high security, supposed to get there? They can’t hop on a hemp bicycle and pedal there, much as you might like them to.

I know. I just think there must be something between a hemp bicycle and Gulfstream/Cessna/Learjet. An eco-bus, driven round Europe picking up all the ministerial attendees in a big loop, powered by their own faeces?

Symbolically, in so many ways, that would be excellent. You fall somewhere between a hopeless idealist and a functioning imbecile. Now get into this Falcon. I’ll open her up and show you what this baby can do. Davos, caviar, here we come!

Do say: “I read all the briefing notes on the plane. I come refreshed, prepared and perfectly primed to solve every problem on the agenda.”

Don’t say: “My own jet might be cheaper than renewing my annual travelcard.”