What makes you think you are the best for this job?

I’m not sure if anyone is the best for this job because it has such a low skill ceiling that you could probably pick a few random people off the streets and they would be skilled enough to do a job that would be at least satisfactory. It’s not difficult to serve customers and, even on days when one cannot be truly sincere, give a performance that satisfies the minimum requirements of even those consumers that think they have higher standards than others.

Why do you want to work for us? You have positions available and since the economy’s in the shitter and I’m struggling to pay the rent on my crappy bedsit so some buy-to-let scrounger can go on holiday a few times a year while the rest of the world is told to blame us poor bastards for not working hard enough, I was hoping you’d be empathetic enough to not ask such a stupid question.

I don’t want to work for your company on a more than zero but less than adequate hours contract for a minimum wage that’s less than the living wage so the shareholders in your company can take dividends derived from the excess profit of what my labour produces but a man has to earn to eat lest he be labelled the scum of society. Now that’s not to say I don’t think we should work or I won’t work hard but I think you’re a fool if you believe that I’m here because I want to be out of anything more than self-interest or self-preservation.

What do you know about our company?

Despite consistently being voted as best company to work for or fastest growing company or at least being runner up in some other award by another company that no one who isn’t looking for work or working for minimum wage would know about, you still have a massive staff turnover and no chance of career progression. I know that you pay your workers minimum wage while media reports record profits.

What are you strengths?

I consider it a strength to be stoic in the face of appallingly rude customers dissatisfied with a product or service that is in no way my fault yet as the face of the company means I will be subject to hearing their angry complaints while pretending that the company truly gives a shit more than is necessary to prevent litigation and hopefully get them to keep buying from us rather than the competition.

Another strength I have is how I can stay calm and collected when the self-important pricks from corporate, who conveniently have no idea what it’s like to do the actual work behind the statistics they see, think they can lecture us mere wage slaves on how to do a better job- or better still, try to encourage us to work harder so shareholders can get bigger returns and they might get a raise or bonus while our wages remain stagnant.

What are your weaknesses?

I guess considering, as previously stated, I couldn’t give two shits about your company profits beyond me earning enough to survive- perhaps it would be different if we had any actual opportunity for career progression. This weakness leaves me open to advising potential customers when they are being ripped off, because in all likelihood the same product or service is already being offered at a better price by competition somewhere and the potential customer is probably, like me, low down on the socio-economic ladder otherwise he’d shop somewhere else.

Where do you see yourself in five years time?

The world of today moves fast and I never thought after all the good grades and a university degree I’d end up applying to do something like this just so I can afford a most basic standard of living so I have no idea but hopefully not working for your shit company- which is probable anyway considering the ridiculously high staff turnover you have, indicative as anything of how great a company to work for yours is.