In a new column for ELLE.com, R. Eric Thomas reads the news. Today he reads the first night of the Democratic National Convention.

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Y'all.

I can't.

I CANNOT.

Michelle Obama took me all the way out at the function last night, y'all.

This function must've served a chicken dinner with macaroni and cheese and green beans afterwards because it was CHURCH, y'all.

Every time I put my fingers on the keys to write they rise up into praise hands. This column was written by my elbows and the Holy Ghost.

In case you didn't know, "Eric Reads the News" is shading you live from Philadelphia, site of the Democratic National Convention!

I don't have any actual credentials or anything. I just live in Philly. But I can see the Wells Fargo Center from my house. I'm the Sarah Palin of ELLE.com.

I have so many questions about the first night of the DNC.

Actually, I don't really have that many.

I have three.

What's going on with that gavel?

I will NEVER get over this GIF. Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake comes running back into the frame, giving you "Come up to the lab and see what's on the slab" vibes. She picks up that gavel and mugs for the camera like she is doing a 3-second retrospective called "The Collected Facial Expressions of Madeline Kahn." What IS this?!

Rawlings-Blake is literally opening The Hunger Games right now.

They had so much trouble remembering to bang this gavel. I understand the confusion. When I'm at jury duty and try to bang the gavel so we can take a recess for me to check my mentions on Twitter, all of the sudden I'm in contempt of court. It's a slippery slope.

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There's so much process at the DNC! They have to gavel, call for motions, vote, dance to patriotic songs like "867-5309".

Parliamentary procedure is so extra. What's with all the pomp and circumstance? You're running a meeting with one agenda item not bringing Jon Snow back to life. Let's simplify this.

Who is this person trying to steal Rosie Perez's spotlight?!

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Why does Rosie Perez have regular person seats?! Haven't they seen Do The Right Thing? Get this woman on a throne. pic.twitter.com/SWBpsLjaQS — R. Eric Thomas (@oureric) July 26, 2016

I try not to read regular people but this is a situation of national importance. First of all, why is Rosie Perez sitting in regular person seats? Don't they know who she is?

Second of all, who sent this subtle shade operative? Was it Jennifer Lopez? Did she send you? Was it Raven-Symoné? Was it Bridget Fonda's character in the little-seen gem It Could Happen To You? I need answers!

What do we have to do to keep Michelle Obama around?

Y'all!

Michelle took me ALL. THE. WAY. OUT.

I thought I was done after Eva Longoria started giving Malcolm vibes, talking about "We didn't cross the border; the border crossed us."

Up there putting the X in Latinx. Gabrielle Solis is leaving Philadelphia with all your edges.

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But Michelle! First Lady Michelle Obama! I just can't.

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She didn't come to slay, she came to tell The Truth, y'all.

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Talking about "I wake up every morning in a house built by slaves." Michelle's like "Didn't you see Stephanie Rawlings-Blake open these Hunger Games? I didn't come to play with you. I'm the Mockingjay, obviously."

You notice how the camera didn't do a full body shot during the speech? That's because if you panned down you'd see that Michelle was standing in a foot of water like Beyoncé at the BET Awards. Kendrick Lamar was in the background like "Take the bridge, MO. You spit fire."

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On her way to the convention Michelle stopped by Philadelphia's Independence Hall and snatched all of the founding fathers bald. And then she rang the Liberty Bell just because.

Also! Where do I get one of those Michelle signs? I need it for a small interior design project.

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Oh! I know those people. Malcolm! Sharron! Get me 25 of those signs. I changed the theme of my wedding and I need those for centerpieces.

Michelle Obama in this speech is Shawkshanking her way out of that White House. You ever seen someone work this hard to leave a job? I appreciate you, Michelle. And my children appreciate you. ("Yes, we know you'd vote for Obama again in a heartbeat if you could. You say that every four years, Dad." —my sassy kids in the year 2036.)

Thank you, Mrs. Obama. You left me sobbing, edgeless, and hope-filled.

R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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