WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

Even amongst the madness that is this COVID-19 riddled world, the contents of a particular phone call might be the strangest thing you’ll read today.

The news out of the little Island of Christmas, is that Peter Dutton has today phoned former Greens Leader Richard Di Natale to offer his sincere apologies for his behaviour over the course of his life.

Ticking off a week in detention in the centre he manages, Dutton has today taken another turn to the left.

Infected with the Coronavirus in the centre he says amounts to blatant abuse of human rights, Dutton asked the guards to make a call today, to a new friend no one could have expected.

“Yeah, I’ve just been feeling pangs of guilt for all of the things I’ve done,” Dutton confided in our reporter.

“I mean, having my rights taken away and being personally impacted by an issue has made me think about how unjust this thing is now that it’s affecting me.”

“So I called Rich. I even made an effort to pronounce his name correctly.”

“And I just said I’m really sorry for all of the things I’ve done and said over my time. I said I’m sorry I called him as bad as noted right-wing extremist Fraser Anning, I’m sorry I blamed him for all manner of things he had no control over. I said I’m sorry insulted him personally.”

“And most of all I just said I’m sorry for all of the negative energies and vibes I’ve aimed at him.”

“He was really shocked,” laughed Dutton.

“Like, even more shocked than you.”

“But he was happy to bury the hatchet and invited me to come down and try some of his turmeric spiced kombucha and his latest batch of bush bud.”

“The man that he is, he then quoted Step Brothers and said ‘Did we just become best friends.'”

“Fuck you you fucking pig,” Dutton then burst out and spat at a guard before telling us he wanted to get a new tweet out about how the failures of capitalism really need to be highlighted at a time of crisis like this.