BOONE, NC – In response to news of the first diagnosed case of Ebola in the United States, Appalachian State Health Services officials announced Thursday that it is really really unlikely that more than a few people in Boone will contract the deadly disease.

“For the vast majority of students, there is absolutely zero reason to panic,” said Health Services Director Robert S. Ellison, “I mean, there will probably be a couple, but man would you have to be unlucky to be one of them.”

“Wow, it would really suck to be that guy,” added Ellison.

Health Services also told reporters that, while they were like, 85% sure Ebola wouldn’t be a big deal or anything, they could always be wrong.

“Can we say that everyone is safe? No, of course not,” said health services employee Margaret Luntz, “That would just be crazy to say a thing like that. I mean, even we doctors are only human, incapable of predicting every miniscule little thing can happen in this vast and ever-expanding universe.”

Even taking that into account, health services officials said that they remain relatively confident that, due to the difficult-to-transmit nature of the disease, it would be pretty damn hard to contract ebola unless some “seriously weird shit” were to happen. Dr. Ellison, in particular, remains hopeful.

“Seriously though, it’ll probably be like, four people,” Ellison said. “But, hey, who knows? I sure as hell don’t. But, thankfully, we probably won’t have to wait long to find out.”