In 1933, Franklin D. Roosevelt told America, “All we have to fear is fear itself.”

JFK advised, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”

Bill Clinton’s message to the nation: “It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

And let’s not forget this zinger, courtesy of the man to whom Hillary Clinton chooses to give all her soft, supple lovin’:

“All Americans…are rightly disturbed by the large numbers illegal aliens entering our country. That’s why our administration has moved aggressively…by deporting twice as many criminal aliens as ever before. … [W]e will try to do more to speed the deportation of illegal aliens…”

If you could speak to all your fellow countrymen and deliver just one message, what would it be?

For Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, perhaps she’d appeal to all the cows — “Please, for the love of Pete, please, please just stop farting” (here, here, here, and here).

The leader of Brazil recently took a similar approach: He beseeched the citizenry to keep from dropping their patriotic pants. If they wanna do their duty, they can’t do their doodie.

A reporter asked President Jair Bolsonaro how to balance protecting the earth with developing necessary agriculture.

Jair offered two pieces of advice: Eat a little bit less, and don’t poop every day.

Tighten up; it’ll still be there tomorrow.

The journalist’s question came in response to a recent report that Brazil’s Amazonian deforestation and agricultural processes are responsible for a quarter of the planet’s greenhouse effect.

Now Jair’s fired the head of that reporting agency. And he wants Brazilians to keep from firing a missile:

“It’s enough to eat a little less. You talk about environmental pollution. It’s enough to poop every other day. That will be better for the whole world.”

Please, people: Keep your killer turds from attacking Earth.

Karen Townsend of Hot Air had a bit to dish on the doodoo directive. Here she is:

I can understand the “eat a little less” part of Bolsonaro’s off-the-cuff solutions if the intention is to utilize less land for agricultural purposes. It’s the suggestion that Brazilians poop “every other day” that puzzles me. Is it to limit the use of toilet paper, thus lessening the need for wood by-products? Is it like the environmental wackos who encourage limiting toilet paper use to a square or two? Eating less would decrease the need to poop but I’m not falling for that line of thinking. Individual pooping habits vary. Some people may do it three times a day, some may do it every other day, but dictating personal bathroom habits isn’t the job of a nation’s leader. I can’t believe I looked up some information on this but I did. My first reaction that this suggestion can’t be a healthy one may be correct. A 2010 study published in the Scandinavian Journal of Gastroenterology found that 98 percent of its participants pooped between 3 times per week to 3 times daily. Deviating significantly from the regular pattern may still be considered healthy, but it can also indicate the development of a stomach or bowel problem.

Right. I don’t mean to encourage anyone to absolutely blow up the planet like the Death Star of Dumpin’…and I don’t mean to sound as if I hate my country…but holding ’til Tuesday what you need to do on Monday ain’t a good idea. When it comes to crapping, as Dinah Washington sang, “What a difference a day makes.”

With all due respect to the uptight, anal environmentalists of the world, anyone who thinks people should resist the urge to empty their bowels for the sake of humanity…is full of it.

Unless you’re this guy.

-ALEX

Relevant RedState links in this article: here, here, here, here, and here.

See 3 more pieces from me:

Florida Woman Farts, Pulls Knife On Man In Dollar General, Cops Say

Louisiana Woman Tries To Beat Boyfriend To Death With His Prosthetic Leg After He Says He Wants To Date Someone Else

Pennsylvania University Promotes Men’s Cuddle Group To ‘Redefine Masculinity’ & Prevent Crime

Find all my RedState work here.

And please follow Alex Parker on Twitter and Facebook.

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