"No Cussing Club" Will Publish Clean Edition of "Naked Lunch"



In an effort to "make literature fun again," pint-sized social agitator McKay Hatch of the "No Cussing Club" has developed his own line of books and will be putting out "clean" editions of classics so that people "who don't want to hear that junk" will still be able to enjoy seminal works of modern fiction.Hatch became famous in 2007 for his music video calling for people who want to hang with his crowd to avoid cussing at all costs:"If you want to be my peer, please respect my ear," said Hatch. "Don't cuss."Hatch has been pushing for his own clean line of books since he was in junior high, but it took a recent rejection from Random House to make him realize that he was on his own when it came to voluntary, grass-roots censorship of incendiary novels."I went to Random House, and I said look, I have over 20,000 kids in my club worldwide who are tired of all the cursing, and swearing, and no no's," said Hatch. "Those kids are going to grow up, and someday they are going to need books for college. What books are you going to sell them?"When Random House couldn't close a deal with Hatch, he got out a black marker, went to the library, bought a scanner, and got an account with Amazon's BookSurge program. Hatch's new line of books will carry the "No Cussing Club" label, and will attempt to create hip, fresh editions of classic books targeted to family-oriented markets. They intend to change the language of books without changing the spirit.Their inaugural project will be a clean edition of William Burrough's "Naked Lunch."From the original version:"Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and down you dig farting out the words. It was unlike anything I ever heard."This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell."From Hatch's new, clean version:"Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his parrot to talk? His whole parrot would move up and down you dig squawking out the words. It was unlike anything I ever heard.This parrot talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell."Hatch claims that by manipulating language to remove bad swears, you are truly able to live a better, happier, stronger life."I like books sometimes, but every time I read a swear I have to leave the room and leave the book behind," said Hatch. "I know there are other people out there like me, and with my line of books, we no longer have to be ignorant of classic literature and famous writers."