“We just can’t be too careful when it comes to the possible risk of E. coli contamination,” said the head of the CDC, Ned Sanders, speaking to reporters shortly after his agency informed Americans they would need to turn in their guns, in the wake of a firearm being found in close proximity to some romaine lettuce. “We wouldn’t want anyone to experience extreme diarrhea, in addition to being mortally wounded in one of our nation’s near-daily mass shootings.”

The move comes after a continent-wide warning to destroy all romaine lettuce was issued late yesterday, in response to concerns surrounding an outbreak of E. coli. At last count, 32 people in the United States and 19 in Canada have become ill from eating the appealing lettuce – nearly as many as the 37,200 people killed by guns in the U.S. in 2016. Thus it was no surprise when every effort was made to protect Americans from the poo leaves. It was having that caution extended to guns that came as something of a shock.

“I have to say I really didn’t see that coming,” said NRA President Oliver North. “As you all know, I’m a die-hard gun rights advocate. Cold dead hands and all of that. But we just can’t have folks getting sick out there from E. coli. Nasty stuff. It’ll make you feel like the headwaters of the Colorado River moved right into your butt. It’s just not worth it. Turn ’em in folks. It’s for your own good.”

Rocky Rhodes, leader of the Oath Keepers – a heavily armed, far-right American militia that appreciates guns the way a Shih Tzu enjoys barking – agreed.

“You can’t have a well-regulated militia if every other guy is falling over from gut bother,” Mr Rhodes said, referring to the Second Amendment, and its stipulations regarding the bearing of arms in the United States. “If that E-Koh-Lye has made it under the pillows, and into the glove boxes, and all up into the armouries of ‘Merica, then hell. We’re just gonna have to live without these here handy weapons. Heck of a shame though. They sure never hurt no one. Not like that damned romaine.”

While the logistics of gathering up the estimated 400 million guns currently in circulation in the United States are certainly daunting, with there being little doubt that people could get hurt otherwise, a rare bipartisan effort has emerged to accomplish the task.

“Not on my watch,” said Republican Senator Marco Rubio, often accused of being in the pocket of big lettuce. “If even one person gets sick from eating a gun, or shooting some salad, I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror again. Will it be easy? No. But if you’d have told me on Monday that by Wednesday no one in America would be eating caesar salads, I’d have called you crazy. And look around you now. We can do this, people. Nay. We must.”

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