Robinson Cano is looking for a new contract and isn’t stopping at just money. Any schmo can ask for money. He wants more. A lot more. He knows the Yankees have enough money to take over the world, so he wants to take advantage. According to a report, Robinson wants ownership of 3 Hawaiian islands and the naming rights to the Statute of Liberty. Seems reasonable, right? But why stop there? Why not throw in a few Asian countries? They’ve probably got some they won’t miss. The possibilities are limitless.

“Robinson knows he’s worth above and beyond what the Yankees and Rangers thought A-Rod was worth, ” a spokesman for Roc Nation Sports said. “He’s got an empire state of mind. He’s the new Sinatra, and since he made it here, he can make it anywhere. But he wants to stay here and build his empire, because he feels he made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.” To Robinson’s credit, he did help change “26 titles” to “27 titles.” That’s at least worth a continent or two. Maybe even an ocean as well.

But what is he going to do with 3 Hawaiian islands? “I really don’t know, I just feel I deserve them,” Cano said. “A-Rod’s last contract paid him $275 million and look at what he’s done the past few years. How could I not ask for 3 Hawaiian islands? That’s a hometown discount as far as I’m concerned.” He’s got a point there. Between how much A-Rod, Josh Hamilton, and Albert Pujols have been paid and what they’ve actually been worth, it’s amazing he’s not asking for 3 planets instead of 3 Hawaiian islands.

So why then is he asking for the naming rights to the Statue of Liberty? Cano continued, “Oh you mean Lady Cano? I want all incoming visitors and immigrants to see the statue and know who the most important man in this country is. You come to America, you come to New York, you must pay respect to Robinson Cano. In fact, I want the words to the Pledge of Allegiance changed. This is not one nation under God, this is one nation under Cano.” He’s so modest! You can barely even tell he’s a superstar.

Will the Yankees or anyone else give Robinson what he wants? It remains to be seen. But long story short, this is Robinson Cano’s world. We’re all just living in it.