BEL AIR, CA—After accidentally glimpsing a manila folder labeled “Alpha Design Grimes” while alone in the home office of her boyfriend, Elon Musk, 30-year-old musician Grimes reportedly stumbled Wednesday upon an $18 billion plan for a cutting-edge, completely reinvented Grimes. “What the hell is ‘a truly groundbreaking mode of Grimes’ that’s ‘visually stunning,’ ‘simple to use,’ and ‘blends seamlessly into her environment’?” asked the mortified songwriter as she leafed through 57 pages of blueprints detailing a sleek, energy-efficient Grimes that runs on solar power and is propelled by magnetic linear accelerators. “This says the Boring Company has designed a modern-age Grimes that will generate zero emissions and be reinforced to withstand severe earthquakes. And apparently there’s a ‘luxury Grimes’ option, too—seriously, what the fuck?” At press time, sources confirmed the singer became terrified and tried to flee the house after reading that a Grimes prototype is slated for a summer 2018 release.

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