In boardrooms, private clubs, and on yachts across the United States, corporate leaders and their political stooges took time off work to celebrate Obscenely Cheap Labor Day today, a holiday that has grown steadily in popularity every since the early 1980s.

“Still only $7.25 per hour since 2009 – now that’s worth toasting with this $3000 bottle of champagne!”

The annual celebration that marks the end of summer is one of the highlights of the business year, when owners tabulate their ever increasing salaries, and their trophy wives give up their white shoes for darker Jimmy Choo models.

“The only way this day could be better would be if the minimum wage was $6, or $4, or $2 which, if Trump wins in November, is more than possible. Hurrah!”

The only gloomy part of the day came when once of the peons serving them let slip that some real workers get the day off as well.



“Lazy fucking bastards!”