An important slogan of Feminism, is that the personal is political. And this is most true. In the sense that the individual woman’s relations with men, and with her own body becomes a politicized battleground. But it is especially true of Hapa women. For us we are born out of an anti-feminist campaign. And our own home family life is heavily politicized. When we speak about issues of race, gender, imperialism, we are speaking about the political battles of our own living room.

As part of my quest for self-identity as a Eurasian woman, I did research into the nature of the WMAF relation. This was to understand myself better as well as my parents. And what really screamed out to me, was the degree to which, unlike any other relationship, WMAF was dominated by hate. It is an Anti movement. Anti-Asian. Anti-Women. What other relationship feels the need to bring in outside third parties? But as I read on, I saw that WMAF was never just about the White man and Asian woman. It was also about Asian men, and especially about white women. There was more about hating feminism, and white women, than about loving colored women. And this really terrified me as a Hapa girl. The knowledge that I was born of a relationship that demonized my own race, and my own gender. I felt very conflicted and torn. And there was no one I could turn to. I didn’t trust Asian women, since I saw the face of my mother in them. But white women just didn’t understand what it was like to be a Hapa girl. And how could any man empathize with the feelings unique to me as a woman? I felt attacked from all sides.

I had to struggle against any notions of biological determinism. The idea that my destiny was determined by my WMAF genes. I grew to hate the DNA inside me. As though my own DNA hated me as a woman. When I had my menstrual periods, I took pleasure in the fact that I was flushing out the evil eggs inside of me. I did not feel like they belonged to me. I felt like they were the property of my mom. I felt a hatred towards my own body. Ironically I played right into my mom’s ideology. Since I grew to hate her, and Asian women, I wanted nothing more than to be a white woman. And so I was falling into her trap of wanting to wash away my Asianess. I hated her for forcing her Asian genes on me. There is no natural reason to hate being Asian. But it was hard to feel any pride in being Asian, when women like my mom demonized it so much. My Asian genes came from a woman who hated Asians. This was the contradiction for me. By attacking those genes, on the one hand I was attacking my Asian mom. But I was also attacking Asianess just like my mom had. I hated her, but I was becoming her.

I realize now, that I cant be either a pure white or pure Asian woman, and neither of those identities speak to me. I’m a Eurasian women, and I identify with all Eurasian children who reject the sexism of their parents and fight for true egalitarian relations. This is a revolution, but it is not being fought in the barricades, but in the homes of the Eurasian family. Sites like tumblr play a crucial role, in giving voice to a struggle, the outside world would otherwise not even know about.

How do I stop seeing WMAF as an attack on my womanhood? I don’t think I ever well. Because when I read WMAF statements, it is very clear that it is feminism and western women that they hate. And I will never be ok with that. How can parents be so unloving towards their own daughters? I wish I just came from a normal family, and had normal parents who could identify with me and love me. I wish that I was born of parents who valued women, instead of parents who run away from women. Who hate and fear women’s liberation. I’m a proud Feminist, even though this is against everything my MRA parents stand for. This is not in spite of the fact that my parents are MRA, but precisely because of it. If my parents did not embody the patriarchy of WMAF, I would just be a normal American girl absorbing the ideology of the wider culture. But with my background, patriarchy was impossible to ignore.

All women know what it is like to be street harassed and creeped on by men. But what if that creepiness is coming from your own dad? I’m not accusing my creepy white dad of directly physically molesting me. But in a structural sense, that is exactly what he did. He exoticized my Eurasian femininity in a way that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. He was just another white creep to me, that had the misfortune of being my flesh and blood father. I never felt any family warmth towards him based on mere biology. He was just a creepy white guy, who happened to live with me. And I treated him like any other stranger. I never fell comfortable around him. Even in my pre-teens I would never let him hug me. I never knew the true warmth of a father’s love. I could never be daddy’s girl. Because daddy hated my gender, and hated my race and made me feel like shit. I was extremely depressed about my family background. I could never have any girls over from school, because I was ashamed of them to see my parents. I would hang out at friend’s houses all day, just to get away from my parents. I hated being associated with them in anyway. All I saw in them, was that they were anti-me. And obviously I’m pro-me. They never gave a shit about my feelings and emotions. It was always about THEM, THEM, THEM. They are the most selfish people on earth. And their relationship is born out of selfishness. It doesn’t surprise me that many of the White men in WMAFs are Ayn Rand fans, since they are all sociopathically selfish. They don’t have the least hint of love or empathy or care towards their Hapa daughters.

My worst fear, was that if me and my white dad were out in public together, people would assume I was his paid prostitute. That thought was deeply sick and humiliating to me. And I was determined that it would never happen. I have heard about it happening to other hapa girls. The stares. The same stares WMAFs get, when its a 60 year old whie guy with a 13 year old Asian girl. That would NEVER be me. I swore that to myself. And if it ruined my relationship with my dad, so be it. I would never be seen in public with him. He was not a father to me. He was just a white male. And as I was neither white nor male, he might as well have been an alien from an enemy planet.

I have lived my entire life without being loved. And I can’t trust any men to love me. My relations with males are completely fucked up my parents. I see them as all predators who want to hurt me. I will never be my mom. This is one oath I have sworn to myself. I want to be the complete opposite of her in every way.