Photo: Republic Records

As a woman who came of age in the time of extremely shitty merch — gigantic Christina Aguilera T-shirts that just said, like, “Christina Aguilera!” in Times New Roman; the occasional album cover blown up awkwardly into a dorm-room poster — the idea that merch is now “good” and even “cool to wear in public” was something I struggled to accept for a long time. Putting on a Justin Bieber Purpose Tour T-Shirt that read “PURPOSE TOUR” in a perversion of the Metallica font and heading into the office felt like a sartorial decision I would come to regret in my dying moments. Spritzing myself with Katy Perry’s perfume felt like a cry for help.

On August 9, 2018, all of that changed. I found a sweatshirt featuring Ariana Grande fingering the Earth.

I had long been fascinated by Ariana Grande’s choice to finger the Earth in her music video for “God Is a Woman.” The concept of getting the Earth off was inspired and, frankly, overdue. Purchasing the concept in the form of clothing seemed like a natural and healthy choice.

can we talk about @ArianaGrande fingering the entire earth or pic.twitter.com/mpgi67Z5iL — rachel handler (@rachel_handler) July 13, 2018

Feeling magnanimous and rich, I decided to buy two: one for myself, and one for my little sister, a 15-year-old with the mind of a 45-year-old whose love I will continue to attempt to buy for the rest of our natural lives. To be quite clear, I spent $120 on two sweatshirts of a grown woman blown up to the size of our planet, sitting atop said planet and having sex with it, one of which I sent to a teenager.

Little did I know that this decision would come to haunt me for the rest of the fall, and perhaps the rest of my life.

My first sign that something was awry with the Ariana Grande Fingering Sweatshirt was on Saturday, September 8, 2018. My sister texted me at 7:55 p.m.: “did u get ur merch yet”

“no did you!” I replied.

“nope,” she said.

I looked back at my confirmation email and realized it had been an entire month since I had ordered our $60 sweatshirts. I also realized I’d been instructed to wait “4-6 weeks” for the sweatshirts to ship. I told my sister that it had not yet been six weeks, so we still had to wait.

“oof we r so impatient” she said. We laughed. It was the last time we would laugh.

On September 20, 2018 — for those counting, exactly six weeks from the date of my Fingering Sweatshirt Order — I received an email from the “Ariana Grande Official Store.”

I’m not familiar with the intimate machinations of the US Postal Service or of Ariana Grande’s Official Store — a place that I envision to be exactly like the North Pole, but everyone is wearing thigh-high boots and gargantuan hair extensions and laughing, exclusively at me — but it was difficult to imagine that it would take another three-to-four weeks to ship our sweatshirts. I needed answers.

Thus began my one-sided, emotionally withholding, deeply unsatisfying long-distance relationship with the Ariana Grande Official Store.

“Hi,” I wrote with the serenity of a woman who might sit on top of the Earth and bring it to orgasm. “I ordered my merch six weeks ago and still haven’t received it. Can it be shipped this week? Thanks.”

Two days passed until I received a reply. “Hi there,” began the email from the Ariana Grande Official Store.

“Thanks for reaching out to us. This item is a pre-order item and will be shipping 4-6 weeks after the order date. Once it ships, you’ll receive an email containing tracking information on your order. Feel free to contact us if you have any other questions. Thank you for your patience and support.”

I read each line with increasing horror. I was being tricked — nay, gaslit — by the one person I had trusted, Ariana Grande’s Official Store. I wrote back immediately, with the manic vigor of the Category 5 hurricane that Ariana Grande appears to create when she fingers the Earth on the sweatshirt that I will never own.

“Yes, I know,” I typed. “That’s why I asked, as it’s been six weeks since my order date. You’re reiterating what I’ve said in my first email. I received an email yesterday saying my shipping date notification would be pushed back three weeks. This is frankly not right — is it possible to get this shipped sooner? Thanks.”

The next email was, somehow, worse. “We do not currently have an estimated date as to when your order will ship,” wrote the Ariana Grande Official Store. “Please be assured that we will be back in touch in 3-4 weeks with an update regarding your order.” In other words, not only did the Ariana Grande Official Store not have a shipping date on the horizon, they didn’t even know when they would KNOW about the shipping date.

Our correspondence continued in this fashion for weeks. Every time I emailed the Ariana Grande Official Store, I would get a response indicating that it would be “3-4 weeks” before I’d get an “update” “regarding” “my” “shipping” “date.” My replies became more and more despondent and aching; theirs more disaffected and devoid of basic logic. No matter how many weeks passed, it would always be three to four more weeks. I was trapped inside a Kafka-esque capitalistic nightmare of my own making.

terrible update on the Ariana Grande Fingering the Earth sweatshirt front: I ordered 2 two months ago and have received nothing but wildly cryptic replies from merch customer service!!! @ArianaGrande plz advise, it is nearly prime fingering-earth-sweatshirt weather 🌏 — rachel handler (@rachel_handler) October 12, 2018

When I would point out this bending of the time-space continuum to the Ariana Grande Official Store — this willful rejection of the agreed-upon order of the Gregorian calendar — they would simply apologize and repeat their refrain. After my seventh correspondence, I realized: I would be waiting three to four weeks, ad infinitum. Every three to four weeks, another three to four weeks would begin. The closest I would get to the Ariana Grande Fingering the Earth sweatshirt would be on my deathbed, when I would float my ghost to the top of the Earth and finger it myself.

As of this writing, I have last heard from the Ariana Grande Official Store on the morning of October 12, 2018. It had been two months since our first correspondence.

My last question posed to the Ariana Grande Official Store was this: Does my order even exist? Are these sweatshirts even real? Can one touch them, feel them, wear them, or are they merely an idea, as incorporeal as time itself? Is God a Woman, or is God a Cruel and Exacting Series of Repetitive and Meaningless Emails From the Ariana Grande Official Store?

“Hi Rachel,” wrote Jill from the Ariana Grande Official Store. “Both your orders exist. Due to an overwhelming response, there has been a production delay regarding your order. We currently expect your order to ship within the next 2-3 weeks.”

Later that day, I purchased more merch, this time from the A Star Is Born Official Store.

having learned nothing from my awful merch experience of two hours ago, i am about to purchase more merch https://t.co/nYpXLeNA88 — rachel handler (@rachel_handler) October 12, 2018

Shipping times may vary in times of high demand, but it’s expected to ship in three to four weeks.