I wrote this last night before bed and It’s probably slightly all over the place and It’s pretty long and I’m not going to edit it, just figured I’d post it when I woke up, so here you go.



A random, 4 am thought comes to mind and I ask myself, when did this all happen?



And by that, what I really mean is how did I get here? There’s really no simple answer, and there never will be. We all have complicated stories, come from different places, with different opportunities and different goals in mind. We might accomplish some, but never get to accomplish others, and sometimes that scares me.



That we might try our hardest to achieve sometime but always fall short. Unfortunately, that happens to many of us, so here I find myself, at 4 am. Living with an opportunity that many people will never have, and I feel grateful. I may not be the most privileged individual, but I’m definitely not the least privileged either. I’ve had the support of friends and some family, enough to get me through college while pursuing eSports at the same time. And at this point it’s hard for me to imagine my life if one of those things wasn’t in it.



To be honest I kind of miss school, not so much the classes, but the environment, having friends so close by. It’s an opportunity that no everyone gets to have. Do I think I got the absolute most out of my college days? Probably not, but what I did get out of it I will never forget; The friends I’ve made, the experiences, everything. I had some good times, and some not so good times, but I wouldn’t change anything.



Either way, now that I’ve graduated, eSports is my number one focus. And that’s what I really wanted to focus on right now anyway.



Yesterday my team and I signed with HeroesHearth, and that got me thinking about my journey in eSports, how I started, and hopefully how much further I have yet to go. I hope to be in eSports as a competitive player for as long as I can, and I’ve really only been a professional player for a little under a year and a half, there’s so much more ahead of me if I keep focused and on the right track.



I suppose this is a proper place to tie back into my initial question, When did this happen? If I ask myself this extremely vague question, a few moments come to mind, firstly – the day I qualified for Dreamhack Austin in 2016 with Gale Force. I’ve refered back to this moment a lot, but for good reason. That was one of the happiest days in my life, because I felt like that was it, I had finally crossed the threshold to become a pro player, to qualify for a LAN event. That was such a huge milestone, and I cried. I rarely become that emotional but it meant that much to me.



However, another moment that comes to mind is the winning the 2nd Summer Regional tournament in 2016, both solidifying myself and my team as the best in North America, and qualifying us for world championships.



And here is when I realize what I mean by “When did this all happen”.



I mean when did you get here. You, reading this right now, how is it that so many people support me, or care about me enough to read some random thoughts going through my head at 4:00 am. I mean, you’re one of the main reasons why I’m here, trying to pursue my dreams of being in eSports in the first place.



I remember first finding out about eSports and I loved the concept, I loved played games, I was a pretty competitive person, and I wanted to be the best in what I played – so I looked up to those pro players I discovered and fell in love with their passion and their drive, their stories and the mark they made on those people cheering them on, myself included.



I wanted to be that influence for other people.



It’s kind of strange though, for all my life I’ve been one of the more quiet people, more likely to observe and listen than to talk or take charge. I’ve always been shy and laid back, but at the same time, I want to leave an impact that I can be proud of – one that people will remember.



Sometime after I was dropped from the GFE Heroes roster, I received an encouraging message from a fan of mine who was also a father of four children and in that message said, “As a father, I can point to you as an example of what a pro gamer should be . . . A man who strives for his dreams. A man who, in the face of adversity, shows humility, respect, and dignity to those around him. I have infinite respect for that, and you’ve gained yourself a life-long fan for it.”



That message hit me. I have no idea who this person is outside of looking at their twitter picture, but I have gained his respect and that was beautiful to me. That was exactly what I had been striving for, and keep striving for every day. To be the person to inspire; to be the one that others are proud to root for, proud to support.



When I was dropped from the GFE Heroes roster, so many individuals went out of their way to let me know that they still support me, some even said that the only reason they supported GFE was because of me and honestly that kind of blew my mind.



All I can really say in return is a genuine thank you, and hope that that’s enough; but I know it’s not. However, maybe what will be enough is my promise to keep striving for more, to always improve and keep a positive attitude no matter what happens. There will be times when I lose, and there will be times of victory.



Honestly, at some points recently I’ve felt a little demotivated, I pretty much took off a whole week of streaming even though I didn’t do much else with my time. But at the end of day, I can only use that to help myself overcome that in the future, and the support of all of you helping me along the way means the world.



I’m excited for what my team and I on HeroesHearth can accomplish in the coming weeks and months leading to the crucible. I hope to be back to HGC, for many reasons. To compete amongst the best again and hopefully be able to face international competition, because so many people are cheering for me and supporting me on my journey back to the HGC and their support means the world to me, and lastly, to have the opportunity to gain more reach and inspire more and more people.



If you’ve ever heard the musical “Hamilton” by Lin Manuel Miranda, the song I think I most identify with is Satisfied. Let me explain.



To be fair, I’ve already accomplished a decent amount in my eSports career, I’ve been on top of NA, and I’ve travelled the world competing against the best of the best. I’ve inspired many people and have had the chance to meet some of them in person too. But I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied. There’s always something more to accomplish. If somehow one day achieve my goal of people the best in the world. My new goal would be to do it for two world championships in a row. If I inspire or make an impact on some people, there’s always more people to make an impact on.



I’ll never be satisfied and in some ways I think I like that I never will, because you’ll never see me give up. And maybe you’ll be proud of that, maybe you’ll cheer me on, or tell a friend about me, maybe even go out of your way to meet me one day, or even just watch a tournament and recognize who I am.



And in some ways, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.