I watched the docu-series “Lindsay” for the first time this past weekend. In case you haven’t heard about it or seen it, the series, which airs on Oprah Winfrey’s OWN network, documents Lindsay Lohan’s post-rehab life. The cameras follow Lindsay as she moves into a Soho apartment, does some community service (mandated, of course) and attempts to revitalize her stalled acting career. And while she is trying to change her image and put her past antics behind her, she struggles to do so. Instead, Lindsay causes problems by holding up production of the series, having a couple of meltdowns, and just being generally difficult to work with. At one point, her behavior becomes such an issue that Oprah is forced to confront her and tell her very bluntly to “cut the bullshit.” If Lindsay was trying to show that she is fully recovered and ready to get back to work, she missed the mark.

While I very much enjoyed the inside look at Lindsay’s life, I also found myself feeling a bit guilty about it. I appreciate a hot mess on reality tv more than anybody, and I usually don’t give it a second thought. I typically chuckle at how ridiculous some of the situations and behaviors are, and I find it amusing and harmless. While watching “Jersey Shore” or “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, we the viewers get the sense that the stars of the show are portraying over the top versions of themselves. No doubt Snooki has some days where she didn’t drink to oblivion and binge on pickles, but she (along with the producers and editors of the show) is smart enough to know what the viewers want to see and she is willing to give them just that. I am certain that Mama June, the matriarch of the Honey Boo Boo family, makes plenty of meals that consist of the American staples Kraft Mac and Cheese and Hamburger Helper, but it’s funnier and more newsworthy to show that time the family ate roadkill for dinner. Most reality stars are being themselves, to the most extreme degree. They know that by being absurd and dramatic, they can extend their fifteen minutes of fame. And for the most part, they seem to be laughing right along with the viewer.

And of course we all know by now that some reality shows are flat-out scripted. The Kardashians have famously re-shot scenes to portray the exact image that they want to. And “The Hills” finale gave us all a behind the scenes look at just how contrived the series was. Watching such a show is essentially no different than watching a sitcom or a drama… it’s meant to entertain. The stars of the show are essentially just playing a role and seem to be mostly aware of what that role is.

Watching “Lindsay” is different because it’s clear that her intention is to use the docu-series as a way to get her life back on track. In one episode, she and her life/fitness coach discuss her goal of making a good impression on the production company so that they can essentially vouch for her with movie studios. While, to the viewer, “Lindsay” may be just another reality show meant to entertain, like “The Bachelor” or “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, it seems to be something of an eight-episode audition to Lindsay. She is using it as a vehicle to overhaul her image and to start being taken more seriously. She is genuinely trying her best and has difficulty recognizing how she minimizes her bad behavior and externalizes blame for the problems that she encounters. When she talks about not getting a part in the upcoming Avengers movie, she is being candid and sincere about how frustrated she is. At the same time, she blames her management team for not fighting for her, rather than acknowledging that she has completely tarnished her reputation with various arrests and multiple stints in rehab. Her performance in her most recent movie The Canyons was ridiculed, but she seems completely unaware of the fact that she has lost almost all credibility as an actress at this point. It feels sad, and a little bit exploitative.

And if I’m being really honest… I think the worst, guiltiest part of the whole thing is that part of me is actually rooting against her, rather than for her. It feels bad to admit it, but I kind of like watching the train wreck. For some sick reason, I apparently enjoy watching people make fools of themselves. My favorite part of the “American Idol” auditions is always watching the William Hungs of the world. And before you judge me, I want to assure you that I’m not alone in this. It’s something of a cultural phenomenon…. Take the Academy Awards for example. It is a night meant to honor the achievements of actors and filmmakers. But this year, the most talked about thing by far was John Travolta flubbing Idina Menzel’s name. Let’s all just admit it…. We seem to find joy in watching people become the butt of the joke. Which is fine when they are laughing right along with us (and all the way to the bank like many reality stars are); but when they aren’t in on the joke, it kind of feels wrong.

I don’t mean to get all preachy here. And let me be clear… I have no intention of boycotting reality tv or the shitshow that is “Lindsay.” (After all, I have to watch… for research purposes, of course.) But it’s something to think about. Because while watching people in low moments may serve some entertainment value, it may also be a sign of our tendency to tear people down rather than build them up. And to me, that feels like a truly guilty pleasure.

What do you think? Have you seen “Lindsay”? How do you feel about it? Is there anything wrong or exploitative about shows like this?