GURNEE, IL—Insisting that every ounce of integrity had been removed from his creation, roller coaster designer Jonathan Leeman told reporters Friday that Six Flags Great America’s egregious incorporation of the Fantastic Four into his ride had completely sullied his artistic vision. “I didn’t spend a year crafting each corkscrew, hammerhead turn, and dive loop of this ride to have it tarnished with a blue-and-silver color scheme and cars painted to vaguely resemble Mister Fantastic and Doctor Doom,” said Leeman, shaking his head and remarking that, had he known it was going to have a 20-foot-tall number 4 mounted to the side of it, he never would have added a 17-story lift hill. “This ride was supposed to be purely about the thrills, the choreographed push and pull of G-forces, but look at it now: a garish mishmash of steel, comic book art, and speakers that endlessly blare The Thing’s awful roar. It’s a hideous perversion of what it once stood for.” At press time, Leeman was reportedly relieved to learn that his newest idea for an inverted coaster would, in contrast, be subtly complemented and enhanced by several tasteful likenesses of Yosemite Sam.

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