First of all, I had to Google it to know it was even a thing. I’m glad that there’s word for it (now), but when I was a kid I always described it like this:

“There are two boxes. One says ‘girl stuff’ and the other says ‘boy stuff’. Everyone is told to chose one, but I grabbed them both, dumped everything out on the floor, and picked up all the things I liked”.

Growing up in rural Arkansas with my four best friends (all boys), I was called a “tom-boy”, and I never minded. But that term has outlived its charm, and been traded for more progressive descriptions, better suited for the twenty-first century.

It turns out I’m ‘agender’, which is defined as “denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a particular gender”.

For me, this is not primarily about body dysphoria, but I do suffer from dysmorphia, as a recovering anorexic with over a decade (mostly) clean. No, this relationship is not about me and how I relate with my body, it’s about me and how I relate with societal expectations.

If this seems close to gender fluid, you are correct. I love glitter and getting occasionally mistaken for a skinny guy equally. I have a secret lust for a well tailored suit and a lavish ballgown (what is even a ball? Where do I wear this dress? I don’t know, but I must have it!). So, when I put on a skirt or a suit, I argue that neither of those things belong to separate categories, much less human beings.

Which is where the distinction, for me, is drawn between genderfluid and agender. Genderfluid is defined as “denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender”. But in order to flow from one to another, you have to believe in genders as real identities. I do not.

This isn’t to say I don’t believe in biological sex, I do. Persons are usually born near one distinguishable end of the spectrum or another, but about 1 in 1,500 to 2,000 newborns require an expert to determine their status. So, yes, most humans are born either anatomically male or female (ish, because secondary sexual characteristics don’t always develop either).

When you were born, after a doctor determined your biological sex, you were assigned a gender. From that day on, you carried expectations with you about how you should or should not behave. What your interests should be, what activities you would partake in, and in many ways, the course of your life.

While it is fading to some degree, our expectations of a male child are different than that of a female child. By the time we’re adults, these subtle shifts have rerouted our perception of self and our role in society. If you tell somebody something enough times, they’ll start to believe it.

How many times have you been told that a “real woman wouldn’t do that” or “that’s not how a real man would have handled that situation”? Have you thought to exchange the pronouns and see if their meaning somehow seismically shifts? Do we obey different moral codes?

Of course, there is the hormonal argument. “Well, woman have their cycles, so they are emotional, whereas men have better control over themselves”. Bullshit! Men have both predictable daily, and monthly hormonal cycles. They can even suffer from a condition, much like PMS, called “irritable male syndrome (IMS) [which] is a behavioural state of nervousness, irritability, lethargy and depression that occurs in adult male mammals following withdrawal of testosterone”, (though, the quoted study was performed on rams, I believe).

So, again, I am not denying that nature plays a role, and that all mammals have varying, though somewhat predictable, levels of hormones in their bodies. These fluctuate wildly throughout even an average human life cycle, and they do affect mood.

Ultimately, while biology may have a stake in it, I believe that gender at large is a construct of society, to sort and control a predictable population. If you disagree, I would challenge you to name one thing that is purely ‘male’ or ‘female’ that a person can poses, act upon, or embody in some way, aside from what we have discussed thus far.

What few solid points you could make about gender could be argued and are just that: arguable at best.

Do you know who would suffer the most at the hands of the destruction of gender? Advertising companies, big corporations and government officials. They would be in a panic to figure out a new way of selling things without idiotic tropes and pink taxes if they couldn’t predict outcomes based on how we’re supposed to behave.

I’m tired of my “masculine” interests being an excuse for insecure people to throw insults my way about how I’m just co-opting whatever it is to attract men. I’m tired of my “feminine” outfits or actions being perceived as an invitation for sexual advances.

But more than that, I’m saddened at every gender reveal, or toy isle where dead-eyed pink dolls line up for girls, and fantasy violence awaits boys. I’m depressed at the prospect of another generation believing that having testicles can make you better at math, or that period blood is the most abhorrent substance on the planet.

Chances are, you probably aren’t 100% comfortable with all of the expectations that came with your genitals either, and may even be working to actively defy stereotypes. But, when you really consider it, what about gender isn’t a stereotype? And even if you identify strongly with that stereotype, does that make it true?

To all the male assigned humans who secretly played with my dolls when we were kids, and all the female assigned humans who know they’re ambitious, not bossy or bitchy: to all my mislabeled, misunderstood, beautiful misfits: come stand under the warm glow of the pride flag with me, where you belong.