Natasha Mitchell: Natasha Mitchell, thanks for your ears. This is All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. I promised the invasion of brain parasites but that's coming up next week, not to be missed. I want to bring you the story of Miles on today's show.

'The sex of my body is female but the gender I feel is male,' he says at the beginning. Imagine that feeling, a profound disconnect between body and mind. Miles identifies as having a gender identity disorder, but however we describe his experience this is powerful radio.

Miles started out in life as Megan but - after 15 years of serious depression and confusion - at age 28, he made the enormous decision to reconcile body and mind. And with the help of New York-based radio producer Sarah Reynolds he's letting you inside that internal experience of the most significant transition of his life.

Miles: It's interesting that so much can be attached to your name. I've kind of already divorced myself a little bit from Megan it feels separate from who I am now and I really haven't latched onto Miles yet. Some days I feel more Miles than Megan, it's kind of weird, I have no problems saying 'Megan Taylor', 'Megan Taylor' or saying 'Miles Taylor' but I need to say it in an ownership sort of way.

Hello, it's 9.10 on February 7. I am still at work. The only people who are here are the people who are cleaning. I'm not actually working but I am working on a letter to my parents.

'I need to talk to you two about something. Months ago I started writing you a long letter but having edited it, revised and picked and poked at it for so many months it started to feel more like a paper for school. I have a gender identity disorder and I've had it my entire life without being able to put a name to it but it has become severely debilitating these past couple of years.

'My body may appear and function as female but in my head I have never felt a connection to my body. The sex of my body is female but the gender I feel in my head is male. To break that down to another level...'

In the beginning I definitely felt more Megan than Miles then there was an awkward period in the middle which I'm still kind of wading through right now which is where you kind of lose your identity, you don't know who you are. I'm going to get the hell out of here. I'm just going to shut down shop, I think I'm done for the day.

Intro, take one. My name is Megan Taylor I am 28 years old, I am a financial analyst/accountant, I've loved math my entire life and I think it's because it makes sense and it's universally understood. There's an answer, there's always an answer and you know it's not subjective; it is a very clear answer.

If I only had 30 seconds to describe what transition means, this part right here doesn't count because I can't even think about trying to describe it in 30 seconds because it's different for everyone and that's what I'm going to say. So transition to me means finding a place. Damn - starting over. Transition to me means pretty much finding a place of self-acceptance and self love. That's really my ultimate goal, it's not to be hairy although I would like to say I'd like to have a penis but the whole thing is trying to find who you are.

I don't like being a female in this world and even on a desert island alone I wouldn't want to be a female I still want to be a male. I want to have a male body. Even when I started therapy I went in and I hadn't even thought about the social aspects of being a man; it just wasn't a factor for me. It's always been physical, I hated my body so much that to me if there was anything I could do to get rid of this body.

I am currently getting ready to go, I'm trying ready to go out to dinner with Sharone and Noreen and they're coming by to pick me up and I'm putting my binder on which is kind of cheap binder, I haven't made the investment to get a nice one. It's basically like a neoprene weightlifting belt, I wrap it around and it keeps everything secure and flattens and I've got a white undershirt on and then I button down and you really kind of looks like I have a pretty serious pec action going on if I was a guy.

Restaurants are always interesting because I think I always get read as male and once I get as read as male then I like it but then I sort of want to open my voice, or open my mouth in speech and it's a giveaway. I'm trying to learn how to lower my voice without straining it but I just don't think that that's really possible. I think I'm ready to go.

I definitely think I'm coming out a second time, I knew then, I even had it in my letter to my parents that I've come out to you before as a lesbian and I'm coming out to you right now as a transgender.

"The term much less the concept of being a transgender was unavailable to me growing up not by any fault of your own and it's simply the world in which we lived. I understand that this decision affects everyone in my life and knowing me as well as you do I would hope that you would understand that I wouldn't never put anyone through this if it weren't absolutely necessary.

"I've always known I was different but I know now it was only covering up what I feel I've been all along. What I've known since I was six years old when I began putting a sock into my pants when I was alone and when I used to pretend to shave my face with toothpaste and a toothbrush. What I'm trying to explain here is that there has always been a disconnection with my gender and my physical body and I've tried endlessly to figure out what was wrong, why I simply didn't feel right in my skin.

'For the first time in my life though I'm starting to feel a connection to who I am.'

I'm going to say five feet nine inches. I'm between five-eight and five-nine, but I like to say five-nine and my hair is short, the sides are like an inch long. I'm also really paranoid about this. My cheeks are not really hollowed out but I'm going to gain weight there from testosterone, it's just going to kind of re-distribute, my face will kind of fill out. My eyebrows are the bane of my existence, they don't grow and I think that will minimise my cheekbones. I used to pluck my eyebrows... and so make my jaw a little stronger but I still think it's the most feminine part of my face. I feel that my eyes, I think that my jaw is already pretty strong but my eyes and my cheek bones take away my feminine quality.

I also have a very expressive face or I can scowl a little, it's just I don't know if I could ever get the corners of my eyes to go down. I'm actually hoping that my eyes shall sag a little but I mean who hopes for that?

'When I look in the mirror I know I am seeing me but I have become so detached from the reflection that it nearly is though I am seeing the body of someone else, some other female body person.'

OK I'm probably about two days shy of starting my period so I don't know what it is but leading up to it, it almost seems like my face feminises or actually characteristics on my face have softened but I just know that pretty much without fail every month at this time I can look at a mirror and there's a sense of gloom really, I'll be honest, that goes over me because I feel feminine and I don't know, I mean it obviously could have something to do with my hormone levels, you know my body insisting that it is a female body.

I think it says something about my character that I haven't given up. You know I wasn't really growing a lot for a lot of years, I was merely existing. I mean, I can't change the past now so my hope is that I am going to turn into one of those people that crams a lot of life into every day.

Hello, I'm walking home. It's really quiet, just an easy walk to make, it's about 20 minutes, it's 10 degrees outside. So I had to make this walk yesterday as well when I went out with a friend and on the way back I called my parents and like the first thing out of their mouth is you're walking alone in the dark, is it safe, is it a well-lit area? There is just that immediate protective parent act at the end. The only thing going through my head is I'm not necessarily going to get raped out here, I would more so get mugged and beaten because I look like a guy and I walk like a guy. I think that maybe they just think I'm out here with a purse, I'm just a sitting target, I think that I'm getting a little worked up with my parents, they are weighing on my thoughts. But it's time, they need to know, there's not an alternative, there's no way to protect them and I'm doing them a disservice by not telling them. I'm not giving them a choice right now.

'For the past few months I have been living my life as male everywhere with the exception of my work, and basically what that means that all of my friends have been using male pronouns when referring to me and have been addressing me by another name. The name I have chosen is Miles.'

What really solidified Miles for me was when I looked up the meaning of it and in Latin it means 'soldier'. I can get super, super dorky here, if you do the alpha numeric calculation of your name, Megan and Miles is the same. And I even remember going to the bathroom and looking in the mirror and I had on a blue shirt that day and I think I look very nice in blue personally, cute and boyish - it's my favourite colour. And I remember looking in the mirror and I even said it out loud I said 'Miles could work, I think that works for me' and so Chris and I went out to eat that night and I was alright, I think I have a name and I told him and his response was Oh, I like that, that works.

Sharone, Noreen and Chris have basically been my family through this.

So what day is this Chris, what's going on?

Chris: Today is the day when Miles comes out to his parents, as trans-man. It needs to happen today, it needs to happen.

Miles: I'm going to have the exact same feeling if I bump it back a week.

Chris: Yes you are so I think this weekend is as good as any.

Miles: 'I'm delivering this information to you in the form of a letter for a couple of reasons. One, I never would have been able to say all of this to you in person without completely losing any and all composure. And two, I wanted to give you a safe base in which you could react however you need to react without worry of judgement as I realise this is not easy news to hear. Easy news for any parent to hear. I know you have most likely envisioned how my life would turn out and I doubt this is anywhere near close to what you had in mind. Frankly it wasn't what I had in mind either. However I know this is right for me, you would not be sitting here reading this letter if that were not the case.'

How about, 'It's really important to me that you and Dad read this together, you're going to hear me say this again in the letter but I'm really OK, I'm doing well.'

Chris: Honestly, you're overthinking it.

Miles: I know, she's going to fly through this.

Chris: She's going to fly through it because this is not the meat of the issue, she's going to see how long the letter is and she's going to go OK. This is really far less important. The thing that this should be doing if anything is not stalling. Not inciting panic.

Miles: Yeah, so shut up. Decent page breaks...

Chris: It's beautifully paragraphed. Just send it! I can't take it anymore.

Miles: Here goes.

Chris: I love you, do you need a hug?

Miles: I'm glad to have it done.

Chris: She'll do what she needs to do.

Miles: She's a mother, she's going to eat the burnt piece of toast. She's going to look out for me.

Chris: But that's what makes her feel good at the same time, Miles you can't deny that. Like you feel so guilty for them, but at the same time it's like you know she wants to look out for you, that's part of what she lives for.

Miles: Do we just sit and wait?

Chris: We can go somewhere.

Miles: No I think we wait because she's going to call me back.

I just checked my email because I haven't heard from my mother. The email started with 'M'.

Chris: "M"?

Miles: 'M'. It said 'M-dash' and she never does that. She always says 'darling daughter' or 'Megan'.

Chris: Right. That's good, right? That's got to be good.

Miles: It is good, that's why I don't want to read the rest.

Chris: You need to know - because I'm going to drive myself nuts. Can you read it aloud?

Miles: I have to read it aloud. It says "no matter what you do it does not affect your relationship with us - those are Daddy's exact words. He is however still digesting. I'm not as surprised as you might think but I dread the further anguish you will endure. Health risks are a big concern, there are LOTS (in capitals) LOTS of questions. Bottom line we will always love you. Do hope you already knew that. Love you infinity, M". That's my mother's sign off.

I just got out of work and I'm walking down so I can catch the bus to get to my group meeting tonight. I have my trans-guy support group. It meets once a month and we meet in a private room and depending on the month it varies how many guys are there. I want to go this time because I want to talk to them about the kind of testosterone that I want to get because I have my physical tomorrow and I don't know, I just want to get some suggestions.

I don't think that I am going to change my mind. The worst that would happen after four months is my voice would lower and I would be a very husky lesbian with no boobs. I'm about three months away from surgery.

Hello, good morning I'm about to do my shot. Right now I'm getting the testosterone out, I'm going to do it in my left side today. My needle. Push it back so now you've got to shove the area. I will need to have testosterone for the rest of my life. I wonder if my voice has changed a little bit, I really don't know.

Montage: It's March 24th and this is my voice 20 days on testosterone. This is my voice 22 days on testosterone. Today is April 1st and.. today is April 9th 28 days on testosterone. Five weeks... Today is April 22nd and this is my voice 49 days on testosterone. Today is April 23rd 50 days on testosterone. Today is May 5th this is my voice 62 days on testosterone. Today is May 11th and this is my voice 68 days on testosterone. Today is May 18th and this is my voice 75 days on testosterone.

Miles: I have surgery in four days so there's nothing I can really do at this point to prepare any more for surgery. Right now it's really just a matter of decreasing the stress and if lifting weights makes me feel like I've done a little more - which it does - then you know that's what I'm going to do. That's five, six.

I just got to work and I just kind of wanted to document this moment because this is the last time that I am going to be at work as Megan, this is my last official Megan day. This is the last day I am going to be using the women's restroom, this is the last time that I will have my email say 'Megan Taylor', this is the last time I'll be sitting here on this curb with my bike and feel the sweat under my binder. You don't get the breeze that goes under your shirt because it hits this stupid thick binder so you just get all sweaty in there. It's just a lot of lasts, there's a lot of lasts happening.

Imagine, I know it's not all boob-related but there are a lot of boob lasts and once I get back to work as Miles and all I need to do is get my name changed and get all my paperwork changed then pretty much my life is going to be Miles. I think that I've been split between these two identities since like August, so it's nine months - it's a long time. Over and out.

My list before surgery so it's 109 lines before we get to the grocery store shopping list. Alrighty. We have vitamins, scar treatment, acidophilous, button down pyjama top, button downed shirts, wet ones, or baby wipes, bendable straws.

The last day with my boobs, I don't look at them any more I just know that I hate them. Clothes, I have button down shirts - five of those, two khakis, two board shorts, loose pyjama top, loose pyjama bottoms like blue ones.

I've had intermittent moments of doubt but it's not doubt and I think that I'm doing something wrong, I think it's just because it's such a big thing that it would almost be weird to not to have doubt on some level.

Vitamins am and pm, bromelain, arnica, medications, that's my normal line-up of anti-depressants and anti-anxieties...

I don't know, I think I just don't pay a lot of attention to them these days because I have my routine, I get up in the morning and put my binder on every single day that I do that though I think I can't wait for the day until I don't have to do this.

Audio recorder and mike, testosterone and needles, alcohol, cotton balls, DVDs, books and a list of...

Chris: OK, are we ready to go?

Miles: I'm ready to go. Take the longest amount of time, turn the computer off, monitor off - it looks like it's off - let's go.

Chris: Apparently you woke up and you said no visitors.

Miles: I don't remember any of that.

So yeah I went into surgery around 9 out by 11 and the doctor came and talked to Sharone and Chris, and he said that everything went very basically. Pain-wise I still feel quite a bit of pain.

Chris: What kind of pain does it feel like - a tightness?

Miles: It feels yeah a tightness under, the undersides where the scars are obviously where the incision is.

My scars basically they follow right along my pectoral line. Thinking of a woman's breast if you lifted the breast up, the crease where the breast hits the rest of your body, that's more or less where the scar line is. As you develop your pectoral muscles it just kind of looks more like a crease than a scar.

Surgery so far has definitely been the largest expense. My surgery was $5700, every dollar I spend, I think - is it worth it, do I really need this, or should I put that into my surgery fund? I still have probably another $30,000 in surgeries. I tried my hardest to be a girl because it was too hard to not fit in. I had long hair and it's so weird. And it was just like who can look at me and say this looks right in any way? I can show up and be me and I don't have to show up and be someone else. God, last year sucked.

I just felt like I was, you know, carrying around this secret. My parents didn't know and you want to just kind of like scream at them, I have this news, something is changing and I look like a man. But now they know. They are really trying and it's always a big to-do when I return to Texas for the holidays, just because I don't see them all the time.

Mother:We've had this tumultuous year of all the emotions and as you said, the mourning, and then to finall get you here and by this time you know now we've been waiting and waiting and waiting to see you and meet you and say oh, here's Miles and there you were. And it was just like oh, the shoulders are bigger, the hug. But you appear to me to be happy in your own skin.

Miles: Cause I'm still here and I'm still alive so it's not like I've died. But you said that you lost a daughter.

Mother: The hardest thing was the loss, and you know the sad thing you know, here you are, flesh and blood, warm, wonderful, lovable, our child.

Miles: Do you still feel like that?

Father: No, I don't anymore but I mean

Miles: Initially?

Father: I felt like the child that I knew and the child that's in the picture on the ice box that I knew and grew up with was gone, just pure and simple, was gone.

Mother: I just felt like somebody had taken a cannon ball and shot it right through my middle and that I was walking around living my life, going to work and doing everything and acting normal except that I had this huge hole, it was there all the time. When I got up in the morning it was there when I went to bed at night it was just there. But the other thing and I know it's the maternal guilt thing, I don't know if Daddy has these same things but I feel - you have done like this heroic feat, you've accomplished this on your own without - and even though you've always known you have our total love and support but that's all you've had from us, we weren't actually holding your hand. And I still have the text messages I got when you got out of surgery.

Miles: Oh really?

Mother: Mmm hmmm. Anyway, we love you, always have always will. It's really nice to spend time with you.

Miles: It's really nice to be here.

You know like when a movie comes to the conclusion and it culminates with someone standing outside and it's just kind of like that sigh, that breath, haaah. I ran around without a shirt on for the first time outside, we had a reprieve from the cold weather and it got a little warmer and it was drizzly and I went to the park, shed my layers and you know, cool breeze on my chest, it was absolutely amazing.

My name is Miles and I am 29 years old. So this is me signing off and this is my voice 260 days on testosterone.

Natasha Mitchell: Well my thanks to Miles for sharing his year of transition with us so powerfully and thanks also to Brooklyn based producer Sarah Reynolds who produced this feature. She first met Miles back in college and today Miles says 'I can honestly say that today I am not the same person I was when I began recording my story during the winter of 2008. I honestly don't know what would have become of my life had I not transitioned. I'm still struggling,' he says, 'to find my peace but I'm closer now than I ever have been before. And I am glad that I have it all documented, for myself and for anyone this may help.'

Thank you Miles. And let me acknowledge Jay Allison and his website Transom.org, the truly fabulous public radio research and team who helped Sarah produce this feature.

And we've included links to more of Sarah's work and more of Miles' story on the website, abc.net.au/rn/allinthemind, which is where you can initiate discussion about the show and share your own experiences or thoughts. Just click on this week's program and look for Add your Comment. Transcripts and everything else there too.

Thanks to Corinne Podger, I'm Natasha Mitchell looking forward to your company next week - bye for now.