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THERE was good news for panicked parishioners today, after a report from the Catholic Church stating that it would absolve all followers from the need to attend mass until the end of the Coronavirus outbreak, and they’ve even thought up a way to ensure you can still make a donation every week!

Starting this weekend, local priests will start sending newly re-trained former Eucharistic ministers from door to door with collection baskets, allowing parishioners to stay up to date with their financial obligations to the church.

“You don’t even have to leave the house, just leave your envelopes sticking out through the letterbox and we’ll take it from there!” beamed the Irish Church’s financial controller.

“And don’t forget, we want all the money you would normally give during the week; including the collection at the front door, any candles you might light, and if you normally give a few coins to your kids to throw in the basket, we want that too. So just leave it all outside your door in a nice, clean container and we’ll scoop it all up. May God bless you all!”

Expecting a huge upswing in sick parishioners, the church has taken the unprecedented step of giving everyone over the age of 80 the Last Rites in one big go, ‘to save time and resources’.