The View From My Bed

Hello, my name is Barry, you may remember me from past roles such as Willy in the Free Willy movies 2 & 3, the pile of Stegasaurus dung in Jurassic Park and as Ayres Rock in Kangaroo Jack (for which they used eighteen thousand litres of 'Burnt Umber' to paint my body.)I read recently that the earth is not actually a sphere and is compressed at the poles and bulges at the equator where the world spins the fastest. This means that objects at the equator are under less gravitational pull and therefor weigh less. I have calculated that I would lose almost six hundred kilos by moving my bed ten metres closer to the equatorial line. This is a lot of effort for little outcome but I did change position by eight centimetres today. Changing positions once a week allows mum to wipe sections of my body according to a rotation schedule. It also burns calories and is part of my regular exercise routine.In the future, there will be televisions that change channels when you blink your eyes.A Poem by BarryI have two buckets, green and blue.On tuesdays a nurse comes and cleans my poo.Merry Christmas everybody!I would like to wish everyone a very happy christmas (except david) and extend an invite (except david) to my house for xmas lunch as I cannot leave this year due to the unavailablity of an industrial crane and the costs involved with removing the bedroom wall from my house. Besides which, I have no reason to leave, everything I need is here including my two buckets (blue and green), a telephone for ordering pizza, my industrial drum of sorbalene®, my 1994 computer so I can look at pictures of food and my favourite wash cloth.This year I am laying on a huge banquet featuring a pig on a spit, fourty six pizzas and eighteen cakes. Feel free to bring your own food if you would also like to eat.For those buying me a present this year,I have provided the following xmas wish listfor your convenience:1. McDonalds2. Hungry Jacks3. Red Rooster4. Pizza Hut5. KFC6. A woman7. 2 new buckets (green and blue)8. A new wash clothThanks, Barry.