If you’ve never heard of the ‘Florida Man Challenge’, let me take a moment to enlighten you about the joys of combining google and the Sunshine State. The challenge itself is very simple and VERY entertaining. You enter your birthday (without the year) and the words ‘Florida man’ into google search and then wait (approximately .61 seconds) for the magic to happen. No, seriously, go do it. I’ll wait here.

Welcome back! Whatever your results were, I’m sure it was a wild ride. You’re welcome. But now you might be asking yourself why Florida has so much WTF happening, and there are a couple of reasons for that. The first being the culture itself. Straight out of the gate, Florida had no qualms about asserting its own uniqueness. A fact which they proved by flying their first not so official flag that touted the slogan: Let Us Alone.

And the second reason is that the state is home to an open government, which means that all government records are made available to the public. In 1967, the Government in the Sunshine Law was enacted, which solidified this tradition of accountability. And because of these laws, all a journalist has to do is call up their local police station and request the arrest records of whatever lead they’re running down. Besides those two points, the heat and humidity are huge factors in stimulating the quick ignition of short tempers. Basically, it’s a state full of overheated, strange folks and alligators.

When I first learned of this challenge, I obviously spent the next hour googling my family and friend’s birthdays. I don’t have that many friends, though, so I abandoned birthday rule real fast and started reading sensational headlines instead. I emerged from my ‘research’ with tired eyes, and these five notable Florida Man articles:

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January 3 ~ It was a difficult day for this 33 year old Florida Man who was outraged by the startling revelation that his own father helped birth him. In response to this devastating news, he proceeded to hit his father in his face with a slice of pizza. That oughtta show him to be present during a labour…

Photo by Evelyn

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February 26 – Here we have another pizza related incident where a standoff with SWAT was ended amicably with the promise of a piping hot slice of pie. The Florida Man with the rumbling tummy had allegedly sent threatening texts to his family in the version of Coldplay lyrics AND promises of retribution from his “Nazi prison associates”.

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August 17 – This Florida Man’s stepfather took his canned shrimp VERY seriously. So when his last can went missing, he threw some shade at his 34 year old step son, Jayson Laughman, who did not take kindly to that disparaging accusation. His honour was so threatened that he grabbed a samurai sword and broke down a door to threaten his accuser. After he was arrested, Laughman claimed he had no memory of the events because he “went into code red and lost his temper.” Canned shrimp? Really? I’m not an expert in Floridan cuisine, but I’m pretty sure canning shrimp is a crime down there.

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August 18 – Such a bad day to be a mango loving raccoon. This 88 year old Florida Man apparently missed the ‘sharing is caring’ lesson because he was NOT about that kind of life. Or maybe he just really loved his mangos, I don’t know. What I do know is that his response of LIGHTING THE RACCOON ON FIRE FOR EATING HIS MANGOS was seriously disproportionate. Shout out to his “wicked woman” neighbour who called the police on his arsonist ass.

Photo by Liwanchun

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October 14 – It was a regular afternoon when sweet, young Sean Johnson of Brooksville, Florida, ambled into his local Walmart Supercenter and found himself completely beguiled with a stuffed toy horse. Johnson and his new love interest trotted on over to the bedding section where Johnson humped the horses until he orgasmed and ejaculated onto the horse’s chest. Honourable mention to Walmart Associate Chris Neagle who witnessed the clandestine affair and saw Johnson’s…johnson. Potential zoophile on the rise or just a plushie out to hit it and quit it? Only time will tell for this 19 year old Florida Man.

Photo by Ogutier

And because I believe in equal opportunity, here are five Florida Women who uphold the values and standards of this great challenge just as well (if not better) than the men!

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May 6 – If you thought 43 small turtles inside of a backpack was weird… Well, you’d be right. BUT WAIT! There’s more… After having a very lovely day gathering wildlife, Ariel Michelle Marchan-Le Quire and her boyfriend were pulled over for running a stop sign. Upon request, Marchan-Le Quire happily surrendered her bag full of turtles AND THEN reached into her yoga pants and pulled out a foot long alligator. I would LOVE to know where this Florida Woman buys her yoga pants because they have got be all kinds of flattering and magical to be able to hide a foot long alligator. I don’t really see myself needing to hide a reptile on my person, but it’s nice to have options, you know?

Photo by Gaetano Cessati

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October 31 – It isn’t clear how Briana Rice did it, but with just an extra helping of gumption (booze), this Florida Woman stabbed her boyfriend in the arm with her alarm clock, making her the official female Magyver of the sunshine state. That is if Magyver had serious anger issues and a workable knowledge about the stabability of alarm clocks. Rice’s boyfriend told the officers that “she just went crazy”, though she was adamant that she never hurt him and that his injuries were the result of a falling door. It hasn’t been confirmed, but we can assume that under special skills on this Florida Woman’s resume, ‘creative’ and ‘resourceful’ are bold faced and double underlined.

Photo by Mohssine Chnaf

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April 2 – Throughout my googling, I learned a very important lesson. Don’t go into a fast food restaurant in Florida. Just don’t do it. It never turns out well for anyone. Case in point, this Florida Woman who was incensed to find that she would have to pay money for her fries. Because how. Dare. They. The absolute nerve of these Burker King folk to charge for food. At a restaurant. Natasha Ethel Bagley was having none of it, and responded to the denial of sweet deep fried goodness by assaulting the store’s manager. Might have been just a bit of an overreaction to having to pay for food. At a restaurant…

Photo by Matthew Feeney

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December 22 – Rolling down the aisles, shooting up meth, sipping on stolen wine. Laid back, with my mind on my chicken and my chicken on my mind… Sorry for the minor rewrite, Snoop, but Josseleen Lopez definitely deserves a theme song. This Florida Woman was arrested after having been caught driving around Walmart in a motorized scooter, drinking shoplifted wine and eating a buffet of stolen goods, including a whole rotisserie chicken, sushi, cinnamon rolls, and mini muffins. Lopez admitted to police that she had injected meth prior to her escapade, and was charged with both shoplifting and possessing drug paraphernalia. Further proof that nothing pairs better with Walmart than Meth.

Photo by Chefkeem

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March 13 – Getting your nails done can be a super stressful experience. You have to pick a colour (or colours) decide on shape and whether or not to add accents like gems, stickers, or stamps. Maybe it was the weight of these decision that led to Tracy Denise George-Sirleaf “unhinged” behaviour. Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. We may not know why, but what we do know is that this Florida Woman lost her shit. Both literally and figuratively. Sirleaf left her nail appointment to retrieve a machete from her vehicle, which she used to threaten the customers and the owner of Jean Nicole Hair Salon before being arrested. While the deputy was taking statements from the victims, Sirleaf vacated her bowels in the back of the police vehicle, where she was being held. So it was a crappy day for everyone involved…

Photo by Rashid Khreiss

So what can we take away from all of this? Firstly, if you MUST be in Florida, stay away from any and all fast food restaurants. Secondly, for the love of all that is good and right in the world: DON’T GO TO WALMART. All in all, it’s safe to say that no one does it like Florida.