"Living well is the best revenge*" is one of those sayings that surfaces regularly. When I was struggling with the fallout of a divorce 16 years ago, I repeated it to myself like a mantra. It was a goal for a future I couldn't yet fathom.





Recently, I heard a modified version: "Moving on is the best revenge." At first it struck me as a more helpful variation of the original, which always sounded a little desperate: "I'm going to live well, dammit! I'll show him/her!"





"Moving on" was more empowering, I thought. It connoted a willingness to let go of the past--in my case, a past connected to someone who was no longer a vital part of my life--and create a more autonomous future.





Yet as I weighed the two phrases, I understood that my issue was with the word "revenge." When I was parting from my soon-to-be ex-husband, there was a part of me, the angry part, that wanted revenge. It wasn't the juvenile notion of slashing tires or transforming into Nicole Kidman overnight, but one that I hoped would be more emotionally gratifying.





I figured that arranging my life into a semblance of happiness would do the trick. I started taking classes in yoga and volunteered with the area's literacy council; I repressed my introvert tendencies and spent most weekends exploring the local attractions with friends and acquaintances.





Other than fighting my introversion a little too hard, most of what I did was smart and healthy. Less healthy was my wish that I'd run into my ex so that he could see what a "good" time I was having and recognize that I was doing "just fine" without him.





Is it natural to have revenge fantasies? It strikes me as pretty darn human to have such thoughts occasionally, though acting on them is clearly a different story. I doubt I could have traveled the path of my separation and divorce without encountering them, and I don't berate myself for having had them.





Still, what troubles me now about the "revenge" part of the equation is that it keeps us connected to the targets of revenge. Revenge is about settling the score, about punishing, about retaliating. It's not about the joy of living well or the peace of moving on, not really.

When we 'live well' purely for our own well-being instead of to impress others or to try to teach them a lesson we increase our capacity for spiritual and emotional growth. We experience our emotions--negative as well as positive ones----without the overlay of what we want from or for someone else. As a result, we start seeing things more clearly. Clarity helps us reinforce the healthy behavior, which helps us gain clarity, which…Well, you get the picture.





Living well, then, isn't anything other the best way to try to live. Why not leave it at that?





--

*The phrase is attributed to George Herbert, an English clergyman and metaphysical poet, 1593-1633.