A word from Management: This isn't an actual episode, just a series of things that I think should have happened.

Some time after Ba'al becomes the main villain and Jack is the commander of the SGC...

Sam: Sir, you know the Asgard, our allied super-alien race who have been helping keep the Goa'uld off our necks all this time and periodically providing deus-ex-machina rescues from things we couldn't have solved any other way?

Daniel: Nice exposit—

Jack: Daniel!

Daniel: Right, sorry. Sam, you were saying?

Sam: Well, a while ago, Anubis captured Thor, the Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet, and plugged his brain into a computer. A while after that, Anubis came down with a bad case of the dead, and Ba'al stole all of his stuff. Among other things, that includes Asgard teleportation technology. Ba'al can teleport anything in or out of anywhere that he wants. Anything up to at least 64,000 pounds—the weight of the Stargate, since the Asgard once beamed up our gate.

Daniel: Wow, nice exp—

Jack: DANIEL! Do I have to sew your lips shut?

Daniel: Sorry.

Jack: Sam, why are you telling me all this?

Sam: Well, an Asgard teleporter just beamed up our Stargate and beamed down a giant bomb. I just wanted to say that I have always lov—

Bomb: Boom!

[episode ends]

At some point ever...

Random SG team leader: We're coming in hot!

General Hammond: Open the iris!

Random SG team: Run away! Run away!

Jaffa grenade: Wheeee! I bounce through the gate behind you and kill everyone in the gate room!

At some point about five minutes after Jack first walks into the gate room...

Jack: General Hammond, I'd like to talk to you about the gate room defenses.

General Hammond: What about them, Colonel?

Jack: They suck, General.

General Hammond: Excuse me?

Jack: Our defenses consist of a bunch of guys with M-16s.

General Hammond: And two .50-caliber gun mounts with metal shields.

Jack: Yes, let's not forget about those. Or the fact that the shields only reach to the user's waist.

General Hammond: Well, what do you suggest, Colonel?

Jack: First of all, there's no reason to have people in there. I'm thinking a series of claymores. Also, we should have a system that lets us drop the ramp leading up to the Stargate. Without it there, anyone coming through the gate would fall ten feet and probably break a leg. Ideally, the ramp should be able to sprout spikes for them to fall on. Next, I'm not really clear on why the control room needs to have a window that looks over the gate room. I'm also not sure why that window needs to be directly in front of the gate, where any staff blast, trinium arrow, or other random attack coming through the gate will be aimed right at it. Even with the blast shield, that's just stupid. Let's seal that off and have the view come from cameras.

Colonel Hammond: Those all sound like excellent suggestions, Colonel.

Carter: Also sir, I think there's something else we can do. As you know, a wormhole is one-way; anything that tries to go through an incoming wormhole's event horizon is destroyed. We could set up some hydraulic actuators capable of shifting the gate into a horizontal position and back to vertical. When not in use, or when we're expecting hostiles, we can tilt it flat. That way, any weapons coming through will just hit the ceiling, and any enemies that come through will immediately fall back through and be destroyed.

General Hammond: That's brilliant, Captain.

Carter: Thank you sir, but it's not mine. I read it on SpaceBattles, in a 'what if it was Canada that had the gate due to wacky shipping mixup' fanfic.

General Hammond: Original or not, it's something we need to do. Colonel, make it happen. All of it.

Again, at some point...

Typically crazy Goa'uld: Behold! I sit on my throne in the middle of my palace and show that I am full of ego and crazy!

Ring transport: zzzzhhhwoop! [A large crate appears, with a note stuck to the top]

TCG's chief Jaffa: My Lord, this note is addressed to you! [hands it to him]

TCG [reading aloud]: "Dear Crazy Snakehead: we just realized that the ring system is a short-ranged teleportation device that can connect to any ring platform, and that you crazy snakeheads seem to keep ring platforms in your quarters or throne rooms. We also realized that we have cloaked starships and naquadah enhanced nukes. Happy birthday."

TCG: Nooooooooo—

Naquadah enhanced nuclear bomb: Boom!

[Episode ends]

Junior cargo guy: Man, this pallet that we're pushing is heavy. What are we moving, anyway?

Senior cargo guy: Radioactive nuclear waste.

JCG [wide-eyed]: E-e-excuse me? Am I going to spontaneously grow a second head?

SCG: Nah. You'll probably develop superpowers, though. Try to focus on which one you want; supposedly you can influence the choice.

JCG: Really?!

SCG: Nah, I'm just messing with you. Actually, we're disposing of this stuff. We put it on a platform in front of the gate as it opens and the kawoosh makes it go away forever. They say we'll be able to shut down Yucca Mountain by the end of the year.

JCG: Wow, that's awesome!

SCG: Keep cool, newbie; it's just another day on the job. We're having tacos for lunch. Now that's awesome.