5) Dame Judi Dench is here. Who would do this to Judi Dench? Why is she wearing a fur coat? And not a cat-fur fur coat, a fur-fur coat. She says, “I haven’t seen you before.” Why not? Dame Judi’s face looks like an albino peach. I don’t know what to do.

6) There are so many cats! All arching their back and adopting a catlike physicality! They’re doing something that I can only describe as “cavorting” in a sick-green bedroom. The most concerning thing is how small they seem to scale with the furniture. They are almost … cat-size. Are they actually cat-cats? Why are they dancing in pillow fluff? Why is the lady cat wearing a necklace? Is one cat a pearly king cat? Why does he look so concerned?

7) Jennifer Hudson has just appeared peeking out from behind a curtain and I think she’s a tabby cat? The graffiti behind her is distracting. Do cats like street art? How do they hold the spray cans?

8) I’m pretty sure the cats are now putting on a revue in the supermarket from The Handmaid’s Tale. Why?

9) James Corden is apparently in this. And Jason Derulo. And Idris Elba, although from what I can see he remained unblemished by cat hair? This is good and just. Sir Ian McKellen, by contrast, looks like he fell asleep on a radiator covered in pile fabric. Taylor Swift is wearing a unitard and high heels, which is unsurprising: I’m guessing she wears those things a lot. But can cats wear high heels? Can they fit their padded feet in works of leather or synthetic vinyl? If cats wore shoes made of animal skin, would that make them cannibals? Cattibals? Swift has a red sequined container labeled “Catnip” that she’s shaking and I don’t think we should go there.

10) Rebel Wilson is a tap-dancing marmalade cat who gets one of her hands, sorry, paws, stuck in a mousetrap. Why are there candles behind her? None of this fur looks safe around an open flame.

11) They’re all dancing and singing now. Jennifer Hudson is belting. How did Tom Hooper go from The King’s Speech to this? What screwed-up dollhouse are these cats living in? Why is one of them sitting down at a human table with a knife and fork? Is this Animal Farm? Four legs good, two legs completely bonkers?

12) I don’t know that T. S. Eliot would approve. But he did write The Waste Land. “He who was living is now dead / We who were living are now dying / With a little patience.” Yup, that about sums it up. It makes sense now. The end of the world is here, and Cats is showing us fear in a handful of digital fur.

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