God

I have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself from doing. My creation is vast. The Earth these days is home to nearly 8 billion of My precious children—each one special, each created in My image, each worthy of My love. Which makes it all the more difficult to explain why I’m always going out of My way to spoil actor, writer, and director Dax Shepard.


What can I say? I have a soft spot for the little guy. Guilty as charged!

Nothing brings Me joy quite like making Dax smile that big asymmetrical smirk of his and giving him everything his little heart desires. Why, this year alone, I got him a new sitcom to star in and a game show he could host. I know, I know, he didn’t really need either of those things, but I really wanted him to have them! I’ve been doing the same thing for years. He wasn’t going to get roles in a cult classic like Idiocracy or a network drama like Parenthood without some divine intervention, and I just love indulging the fella. I can’t help it.


You should have seen his reaction back in 2007 when I pulled a few strings for him at a party so he could meet his future wife. I know Kristen Bell falling for Dax was a bit of a stretch, but it was worth it to see that big, dopey grin on his face. Whenever he’s lying on a tropical beach somewhere, Instagramming about his vacation with the beloved Hollywood actress he married, I’ll admit I’m a bit surprised it never occurs to him that maybe this is all just a little too good for him.

But hey, that’s My Dax!

I suppose I’m always in that guy’s corner, aren’t I? When he took up his adorable hobby of off-road vehicle racing, guess who was there to make sure he never broke his neck, or even got so much as a scratch? Heck, I even let him race at the UTV World Championship one year, just because he’s Dax. How could I not? It gives that plucky meathead such pure, childlike pleasure every time he gets to go really fast.


Sometimes, after he’s had a long day of dirt-bike racing or just kicking around the house he owns in a star-studded Los Angeles gated community, I’ll surprise him with little things like a multimillion-dollar development deal with a major studio, or an offer to write and direct another movie all by himself. Yes, I realize I could be turning My attention to, say, the plight of several million Syrian refugees, but if I’m honest, My greatest happiness comes from watching that big goofball’s eyes light up when he finds out he gets to appear in another Samsung ad. Maybe it’s silly, but you should see how appreciative he is.

And do I have to point out that the guy’s name is Dax? Dax! For crying out loud, how cute is that?


I’m aware Dax is old enough now to be taking responsibility for himself, but truth be told, if it weren’t for Me easing his path, he’d be stuck in a dead-end job somewhere, toiling in obscurity. I just couldn’t handle that. So instead, I give him things like an incredibly popular podcast that allows him to get paid for having long, aimless discussions with anyone he wants. Here are some guests he’s had on it the past year: Julie Louis-Dreyfus, Conan O’Brien, Eric Garcetti, Bill Nye—do you think any of them would find the time to hang out with Dax Shepard if I hadn’t intervened on his behalf?

Sadly, Dax won’t be around forever. At some point, after living well into his 90s and raising beautiful, healthy, and equally successful kids, he will pass on. That’s going to be tough. I’ll want to snap My fingers and give him a starring role in a sci-fi blockbuster that takes in $2 billion at the box office, but he’ll be gone from this world. Just thinking about it gets Me choked up.


So when that day comes, I’ll probably go ahead and wipe out everyone on Earth and start over. Seriously, if Dax isn’t around, what’s the point?