The NBA is in its early stages of the season. Many people are in their over reaction phase and I felt like now is a good time to write up a nice article that really has nothing to with X’s & O’s but with the nicknames of the players around the league.

I took the nicknames from Basketball-Reference as a guide. They were missing some like Pyscho-T (which they later fixed after my tweet). Let’s have some fun, take a look and discuss the nicknames of the players on each team.

Atlanta Hawks

Elton Tyron Brand (E.B.)

There is only one nickname on the entire Atlanta Hawks team? I am not buying this one bit. Also, the only nickname is E.B. for Elton Brand? That is a lame nickname, no offense Elton. With this said, we need to come up with some nicknames for Paul Millsap, Al Horford and Jeff Teague. I don’t have any suggestions off the top of my head but we will work on this asap.

Boston Celtics

Brandon Sam Bass (The Animal)

Gerald Jermaine Wallace (Crash, G-Force)

Marcus Terrell Thornton (Lil’ Buckets)

Can’t believe it took our second team to come up with some cool nicknames. Altanta let us down. What’s interesting with the group with nicknames on the Celtics is none of these guys are starters or expected to be on the team in the long run. Anyways, The Animal is such a great nickname for a bench player who never really gets too crazy. I haven’t heard G-force in many years but I still refer to Gerald Wallace as crash. That dude use to fill up the box score better than anyone during his all-star bids while playing in Charlotte.

Brooklyn Nets

Kevin Maurice Garnett (KG, The Big Ticket, The Kid)

Joe Marcus Johnson (Joe Cool, Big Shot Joe, Armadillo Cowboy)

Deron Michael Williams (D-Will)

Andrei Kirilenko (AK-47)

Brook Robert Lopez (Bropez)

A team filled with veterans is going to have some fun nicknames. The older the players the better the nicknames are. Names like The Big Ticket, Big Shot Joe (or as I prefer, Iso-Joe), AK47 (probably the best nickname for someone from Russia) and Bropez. I have never heard of Bropez but I don’t think I can go back to calling him Brook. D-Will is kind of a blah nickname in my opinion but it fits how I feel about him as a player.

Charlotte Hornets

Al Jefferson (Big Classic)

Michael Anthony Edward Kidd-Gilchrist (MKG)

Jason Dior Maxiell (J-Max)

Lance Stephenson Jr. (Born Ready)

It feels pretty damn good to break out our childhood Hornet starter jackets again. The Hornets have a couple of good nicknames in the group like Born Ready and Big Classic. I’ve known Al Jefferson as Big Al but apparently that name died hen he left Boston. Born Ready is such a badass nickname, definitely the best nickname we have come across so far as we run through each team.

Chicago Bulls

Michael Joseph Dunleavy Jr. (The Natural)

Pau Gasol (Meal Ticket)

Kirk James Hinrich (Captain Kirk)

Derrick Martell Rose (D-Rose)

Jimmy Butler III (Jimmy Buckets)

Going out on a limb here but I think The Natural for Mike Dunleavy is in reference to the classic baseball movie/book. Either way, Dunleavy never reached the level of Roy Hobbs. The Meal Ticket is such a cool nickname because whenever he comes to play, everyone eats for free, a compliment to his passing skills. I wonder if Kirk Hinrich likes Star Trek? If he doesn’t, calling him Captain Kirk is kind of cruel.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Brendan Todd Haywood (Baby Huey)

LeBron Raymone James (King James, LBJ, Chosen One, Bron-Bron)

Shawn Dwayne Marion (The Matrix)

Anderson Franca Varejao (Wild Thing, Sideshow Bob)

Kyrie Andrew Irving (Uncle Drew)

We all know Uncle Drew, King James, the Matrix and Sideshow Bob but have you heard of Baby Huey? I didn’t so I looked it up for all of us, nothing special actually. Baby Huey was a nickname given to Brandon in high school and college.

Dallas Mavericks

Raymond Bernard Felton Jr. (Felts)

Richard Allen Jefferson (R.J.)

Monta Ellis (Mississippi Bullet)

I don’t even want to waste time mentioning Felts and RJ because they aren’t relevant in the league anymore. It’s pretty sad Dallas doesn’t have more nicknames. Monta Ellis on the other hand has a fantastic nickname. Known for being from Mississippi (you sang the song on how to spell Mississippi didn’t you?) and for being one of the fastest players, Mississippi Bullet is very appropriate for Monta.

Denver Nuggets

Arron Agustin Afflalo (Spell Check)

Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson (KryptoNate)

Danilo Gallinari (Il Gallo, The Rooster)

Kenneth Bernard Faried (Manimal)

Wilson Jamall Chandler (brother from depaul – Spike Lee)

First off, Spell Check is probably the funniest nickname ever for someone who spells Aaron with two R’s and only one A. The Nuggets also have some classics like The Rooster (Gallinari) and Manimal (Faried). KryptoNate is okay but it plays off of Dwight Howard’s (aka Shaq’s) nickname. Can’t have the Kryptonate without Superman. One blaring miss of a nickname was Wilson Chandler, The Brother From DePaul. If you watched the 2007 NBA draft then you know about ESPN asking Spike Lee who the Knicks were going to take, and I paraphrase, “I hear they are going to take the brother from DePaul.” My friends and I died in laughter and since have called Wilson, The Brother from DePaul.

Funniest player nickname: Arron Afflalo “Spell Check” — Amin Elhassan (@AminESPN) January 11, 2014

Detroit Pistons

Joshua Smith (J-Smoove)

Brandon Jennings (The Pterodactyl)

Joel Vincent Anthony (Yaowa)

James Caron Butler (Tuff Juice)

Andre Jamal Drummond (Big Penguin)

I won’t mention the first name on the Pistons nickname list. I don’t want to anger our friend Natalie Sitto at Need 4 Sheed. Tuff Juice is known for people falling the league for a while, which was given to him by Eddie Johnson for his aggressive and passionate style of play. It’s always fun when we have NBA media guys naming players like Matt Moore from CBS Sports with Brandon Jennings’ nickname The Pterodactyl after his 55 point game. The last nickname I want to touch on is Big Penguin aka Andre Drummond. This name was given to him by teammate Greg Monroe based on Drummonds love for movies involving penguins.

Golden State Warriors

Leandro Mateus Barbosa (The Brazilian Blur, Leandrinho)

Harrison Bryce Jordan Barnes (Black Falcon)

Justin Alaric Holiday (The Fireman)

Andre Tyler Iguodala (Iggy, AI2, Dolla Billz)

Leandro Barbosa is such a pleasure to watch. Giving him the nickname The Brazilian Blur is such an appropriate nickname for someone with his speed and quickness. As for Harrison Barnes, I have never heard Black Falcon. Apparently ESPN gave them the players at the classic Jordan game for high schoolers nicknames. Harrison Barnes said he wanted to be an animal because he liked Black Cat (Jordan) and Black Mamba (Kobe), so they gave him Black Falcon. Justin Holiday received the nickname The Fireman for being a defense stopper, putting out fires. I am refusing to comment on the nickname Dolla Billz because it probably has nothing to do with basketball.

Houston Rockets

Trevor Anthony Ariza (Switchblade)

Francisco Alberto Garcia (El Flaco)

Dwight David Howard (Superman, D12)

James Harden (The Beard)

Jason Eugene Terry (J.T., The Jet)

The Beard, Superman (previously mentioned) and The Jet are names known to all. However, Switchblade is a name we need to dive into. He actually doesn’t like being called switchblade. The origin is unknown and Trevor didn’t even know he had that nickname. Something very fishy with this nickname.

Indiana Pacers

None apparently

Do we call Hibbert the Big Stiff? Nah, he’s actually playing pretty well this season.

Los Angeles Clippers

Chris Douglas-Roberts (CDR, Fresh, The Dread Pirate)

Christopher Emmanuel Paul (CP3)

Ronald Glen Davis (Big Baby, Large Infant, Uno-Uno)

Are you as surprised as I am that a group like the Clippers only has three players with nicknames? CP3 is a solid one. CDR also has some fun nicknames, like his newest one The Dread Pirate. That leaves us with Big Baby, Glen Davis. Another solid nickname but one that is not mentioned is Baby Shaq, although he never lived up to being a baby Shaq.

Los Angeles Lakers

Kobe Bean Bryant (Black Mamba, KB24, Vino)

Jeremy Shu-How Lin (Linsanity)

Stephen John Nash (Two Time)

Nicholas Aaron Young (Swaggy P, Bean Burrito, The City)

A couple of hall of famers with hall of fame nicknames. Okay maybe Nash’s Two Time nickname isn’t all that good but it is a slap in the face to his teammate, Kobe, because he has two MVP trophies while Vino, aka The Black Mamba, aka KB24 only has 1. Jeremy Lin earned his nickname playing in the basketball capital of the world when he went from a D-league journeyman to an NBA star. Swaggy P on the other hand has the most undeserved nicknames in league history. He has done nothing to warrant all these nicknames but when you give them to yourself then no one can take them away.

Memphis Grizzlies

Anthony Allen (The Grindfather)

Vincent Lamar Carter Jr. (V.C., Vinsanity, Air Canada, Half-Man/Half-Amazing)

Michael Alex Conley Jr. (Money Mike)

Marc Gasol (La Tanqueta, Big Marc)

Zachary Randolph (Z-Bo)

We are blessed with another team that has loads of great nicknames. Memphis hits hard both on the defensive end and in the name game. Z-Bo and Big Marc are scary names for the power forward combo. Following up with Half-man/Half-Amazing, a legend in the game Vince Carter. The best name goes to The Grindfather, Tony Allen. One of the best defensive players in the game, he is known for his intense play and his ability to grind opponents down. One name on here makes me chuckle and that is Money Mike because I just think of Froggy Fresh and Money Maker Mike.

Miami Heat

Christopher Wesson Bosh (CB4, The Boshtrich, Boshasaurus)

Luol Deng (The Man from Sudan)

Almario Vernard Chalmers (Super Mario, The Superintendent)

Dwyane Tyrone Wade (D-Wade, Flash, WOW, Pookie)

Danny Granger Jr. (Batman, The Gift)

The best nicknames on this team might belong to the worst player out of this group. Almario’s nickname of superintendent Chalmers (a play on the Simpsons character) is one of the best nicknames in my book. Dwyane Wade obviously has some classics. You can pair him up with Batman, Danny Granger and put along side of them CB4 (a play on Chris Rock’s movie, or at least I like to think that) and The Man from Sudan and you probably have the greatest superhero team ever.

Milwaukee Bucks

Giannis Antetokounmpo (The Greek Freak)

Ersan Ilyasova (Turkish Thunder)

Ovinton J’Anthony Mayo (Grocery List)

Without a doubt the best nickname on this list belongs to Ersan Ilyasova. That name has to work everywhere he goes. He must crush it at the clubs, bars, barbershops, and grocery stores. He could even roll into those places with the Grocery list and the Greek Freak.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Corey Wayne Brewer (The Drunken Dribbler)

Maurice Williams (The Hitman)

Kevin Dallas Martin Jr. (K-Mart)

Minnesota has a lot of young players, therefore we can’t expect a lot of awesome nicknames. The Drunken Dribbler is a funny name and watching Brewer dribble a basketball makes it even better. I never cared for K-Mart because I don’t think Kevin actually shops there. The Hitman must have came about while he was playing for the overhyped Cleveland Cavs with Lebron (the first go around) because Mo hasn’t been near his one all star season since.

New Orleans Pelicans

Anthony Marshon Davis (The Unibrow)

Eric Gordon Jr. (The Hobbit)

I had to put the Unibrow in this list because he wasn’t on there. The guy trademarked the name for crying out loud. Anyways, The Hobbit? His Clipper teammates in his rookie year called him that. Probably because of his looks but Eric prefers to think it’s because he has natural powers.

New York Knicks

Carmelo Kyam Anthony (Melo)

Samuel Davis Dalembert (Haitian Sensation)

Earl Smith III (The Prodigy, J.R. Swish)

Amar’e Carsares Stoudemire (S.T.A.T.)

Andrea Bargnani (Bargs, Il Mago)Jose Manuel Calderon (Numero Ocho)

The most depressing team to break down nicknames. So many has been’s and Carmelo Anthony. Wait, how did I forget about JR Swish? Anyways, I don’t feel like we use the Haitian Sensation enough. It’s the most creative name out of the bunch. Melo is just a clean and classy nickname pulled from his real name. I refuse to recognize the other two players out of respect for New York.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Sergeballu Ibaka (Air Congo)

Kendrick Le’Dale Perkins (Perk, Swamp Thang)

Ishmael Larry Smith (Ish)

Sebastian Telfair (Bassy)

Kevin Wayne Durant (Durantula, KD)

Anthony Jarrad Morrow (Chocolate Reign)

We have so many nicknames on this team! I would need a cheat sheet with all these names if I were a local reporter. I wish I knew about Swamp Thang for Perkins while he played in Boston. I could have had my in with him. The Thunder have so many clean nicknames with Perk, Ish, Bassy and KD. Air Congo is a smooth name but I feel like we could do better. Also, no nickname for Russ? What’s what up with that noise? Chocolate Reign. That name doesn’t need any explanation, just enjoy it.

Orlando Magic

Channing Thomas Frye (Buffet of Goodness)

Maurice Jose Harkless (Moe)

Lukas Robin Ridnour (Frodo)

Isn’t it sad that Channing Frye isn’t playing a team that could use his service. He does everything on the basketball, everything that is good. Hence, Channing Frye is a Buffet of Goodness. We have another Lord of the Rings/Hobbit reference of a nickname, this time going to Ridnour. Moe Harkless. I want to do a cover a Kanye song and call it, Why You Got To Be Moe Harkless.

Philadelphia 76ers

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute (The Prince)

Jason Anthony Richardson (J-Rich)

Michael Carter-Williams (MCW)

For those who are unaware, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is an actual Prince of a village in Cameroon. That is pretty neat right? J-Rich is a type nickname people use. You take the first initial and shorten the last name. Nothing fancy and there is nothing fancy with his game anymore. There once was a time where J-Rich was flying high. MCW needs to get back on the court racking up triple doubles soon or we will be forced to take away his nickname.

Phoenix Suns

Eric Bledsoe (Mini-Lebron)

Goran Dragic (The Dragon)

Leave it to the two headed horseman of Goran Dragic and Eric Bledsoe to have the only known nicknames on the Suns. This team is another culprit of young talent. Mini-Lebron is a great compliment but also kind of derogatory. The Dragon I do not get or understand but I am too afraid to ask questions.

Portland Trail Blazers

LaMarcus Nurae Aldridge (LMA)

Christopher Zane Kaman (The Caveman)

Damian Lamonte Ollie Lillard (Dame)

Wesley Matthews Jr. (Iron Man)

Portland has been on fire this season but the one department they are lacking are nicknames. LMA was probably created because of Twitter’s 140 character restriction. Plus who wants to type that name out every time we debate? The Caveman is a solid nickname because Chris does indeed look like a Caveman. Wesley earned his nickname Iron Man because of his willingness to play through injuries and with the same determination.

Sacramento Kings

DeMarcus Amir Cousins (Boogie, DMC)

Reginald Jamaal Evans (The Collector)

Reginald Jamaal Evans only knows one thing in life and that is grabbing rebounds. Dub him The Collector. Who doesn’t love Boogie? Everyone loves Boogie!

San Antonio Spurs

Aaron John Baynes (Bangers)

Marco Stefano Belinelli (Beli)

Matthew Robert Bonner (Red Rocket, Red Mamba)

Boris Babacar Diaw (3D)

Timothy Theodore Duncan (Timmy, The Big Fundamental, Groundhog Day, Death & Taxes)

Emanuel David Ginobili (Gino, Narigon, El Contusione)

William Anthony Parker (T.P., Fiery Francophile, Parisian Torpedo)

Patrick Sammie Mills (Patty)

The most “boring” team has the most nicknames. You have your basic ones like Patty and Beli, two solid bench players. Next we have Gino for Ginobili and I don’t speak any other language so I can’t translate those names. Red Mamba and 3D are staples for any team who enjoys good chemistry. They are forgetting about Coach B for Matt though. This leaves us with the best player of this generation and his plethora of amazing nicknames; The Big Fundamental and Death & Taxes are my favorite.

Toronto Raptors

Andrew Tyler Hansbrough (Psycho T)

James Patrick Johnson (Bloodsport)

I was bummed out too when I saw that Drake has more nicknames than the entire Raptors team. Don’t get down though because we do have two excellent, and somewhat scary, nicknames here. Psycho T is the perfect nickname for someone who has this image all over the internet. Bloodsport was a fantastic movie and after seeing James Johnson’s dunk the other night, you would understand that he actually does take casualties with his game.

Utah Jazz

Rudy Gobert (The Stifle Tower)

I can’t fault the Jazz here. They have such a young team that many of the guys haven’t earned their keep, which usually leads to some awesome nicknames. Instead, we have The Stifle Tower for Rudy because of his defense. In due time, I expect a star like Gordon Hayward to earn a sweet nickname. Maybe we could start brainstorming ahead of time?

Washington Wizards

Andrew Melvin Gooden (Big Drizzle)

Marcin Gortat (The Polish Hammer, The Polish Machine)

Kris Nathan Humphries (Hump)

Paul Anthony Pierce (The Truth, P-Double)

Martell Webster (The Definition)

The Wizards are stacked with talented veterans. The best nickname here is The Truth, which was given to Paul Pierce by Shaq. Big Drizzle sounds like a rapper and Drew Gooden looks he could spit bars. Hump is just a solid role player. The guy has had his ups and downs but always shows up and gets over the hump. One word of advice with this roster, do not mess with the Polish Hammer. You will not live to see another day. I get the play on words for Martell Webster but he is not the definition of a basketball player.

Well that will conclude this ridiculous post. There is a lot of hate, arguments, and more being hurled around the social universe. The NBA is back. It’s early in the season. We are still waiting for Kevin Durant and Westbrook to play, Cleveland is learning each other, and trades haven’t even happened yet. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the early part of this NBA season.