The security guard responsible for ejecting pop mega twerp, Justin Bieber, from the Coachella Festival on Sunday night now requires surgery after having his hand shaken hundreds of times.

The unnamed security guard, lauded as a hero by everyone on the planet who is of the belief that Justin Bieber is a feckless pop drone with no musical talent, reportedly has spent the last 24 hours having his hand gripped and shook vigorously by hundreds of random people.

“The first couple of hand shakes and back slaps were great,” claimed the security guard who requested to be referred to as Justice Bieber. “People looked me dead in the eye and expressed the most sincere gratitude for what I had done. I’m a former Army Ranger and have been thanked for my service when wearing my uniform in public but never with this level of earnestness.”

Justice claims that he was left with no choice to eject the Believe singer after the star attempted to barge his way into a backstage area shouting his own name and threatening people with his entourage of burly security guards.

“I just did the right thing, I’m no hero,” continued Justice. “I just believe that if you’re acting like an entitled, aggressive douchebag then regardless of who you are, you should be called on it. Anyone would have done the same thing in my place.”





Following on from his heroic actions Justice says he received personal calls from both President Obama and Russian leader Vladimir Putin to receive congratulations for his service to mankind – the first instance of bipartisan support between the two countries since the outbreak of conflict in Ukraine.

“He’s been really great and I think the statue of him planned for Ground Zero is entirely commensurate with his contribution to what makes America great,” claimed one supporter of Justice. “I personally think that anything less than a presidential commendation and having his face on money is a slap in the face to this miraculously heroic man.”

Justice says he is pleased but overwhelmed by the outpourings of support and while on his way to a photoshoot for Time Magazine’s Man of the Year he told reporters that he “just wants his wrist back, it’s fucked”.

Sources close to Justice claim that his wrist has now been shook more times than Gandhi’s and that he’ll require reconstructive surgery to repair the damage the constant shaking has done to his muscles.

“Some people are born great, while others have greatness thrust upon them,” declared a White House aide on behalf of President Obama. “Justice, is both. He’ll never have to pay for a drink again. We wish him a speedy recovery.”