Lmao! Looks like the usual suspects are at it again: reactionary Redditors are having another tantrum, and this time it’s all because the colossal eldritch monster from before the dawn of time that was recently birthed upon our now-shattered universe and which threatens to extinguish the brief spark of humanity forever, uses gender-neutral “it” pronouns.

Can you believe these assholes?

This entire storm-in-a-teacup first started when the Great Old One – who rose from the ocean only days ago and has already obliterated all armed resistance while indeed simultaneously proving the futility of any form of resistance – was bathed in an unholy light which revealed it lacked the more “traditional” physical characteristics that might indicate a subscription to our more human and limited gender norms.

In response to this devastating knowledge, these basement-dwelling troglodytes did what they always do: stand in front of a shelf of Big Bang Theory Funko Pop models and rant for 27 minutes. Unfortunately for them, the ranting was as ineffective as our pathetic human ingenuity, and things were about to get a lot worse – the Great Old One went on to broadcast a powerful psychic message which reduced all who felt it to a weeping mess and scourged them from the inside out.

These online edgelords can now see their own insides splattered all over the wall like a Jackson Pollock visit to a slaughterhouse, but still they refuse to engage with the mere suggestion that the creature that did this might not conform to our human gender norms.

Alt-right figure Loen “Truth Helmet” Phleps used his weekly podcast Inside The Truth Helmet With Loen Phleps to accuse the Great Old One, which now rules us even in our very dreams, of “virtue signalling” and trying to use the “terrifying new approach to gender” to distract us from what he calls “the real issue” (the possibility that Call of Duty isn’t as hard as it used to be).

“Oh, I guess I’m allowed to identify as a fuckin, a fuckin, a fuckin colossal ancient titan or whatever am I, now?” Truth Helmet told his six subscribers. “This is the problem with identity politics. This is what you get for letting people get away with identity politics for so long. Something like this comes out of the sea and it consumes the entire east coast and lays eggs in the brains of everyone within a hundred mile radius.”

“Now these leftists are telling me I have to ‘worship’ this fuckin cyclopean god? Worship and fear it? Talk about thought control.”

“This is, as far as I understand it, the plot of 1984,” he continued. “And also, Call of Duty used to be a fuckin’ challenge.”

We’re sure this whole thing will pass in just a day or two and we can all get back to enjoying the precious last moments of the civilisation we know and love, while these pissbabies find something else to complain about – but now it’s almost satisfying to know there are some things even the arrival of a horrific leviathan from the deep can’t change. Stay safe out there everyone!