Audio/Video Log Transcript

Date: 1998/07/24

Interviewer: Investigative Agent Daniel Besmer

Interviewed: SCP-4768

Foreword: Agent Besmer, disguised as a Texas Ranger, has entered the Anvil Roadhouse in an attempt to locate SCP-4768. The encounter is recorded via chest-cam.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Agent Besmer makes his way to the bar, several patrons stop to look at Agent Besmer before returning to their drinks.]

SCP-4768: Afternoon Ranger, what can I do ya for?

[The bartender is SCP-4768, it is wearing a button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up.]

Besmer: Yes, I'm looking for someone.

SCP-4768: Ain't we all, my friend, ain't we all.

Besmer: Yeah, well I'm looking for a man by the name of Ulysses Donkman. Have you heard of him?

SCP-4768: Oh yes, I reckon I have– he is somewhat of a local hero 'round these parts. Even got a drink named after 'em, carrot juice 'n whiskey.

[SCP-4768 takes a framed photograph off the wall behind the bar and hands it to Agent Besmer.]

Besmer: And this isn't edited?

SCP-4768: No sir, that there's the genuine article.

Besmer: You've met this "man" before?

SCP-4768: That I have, he finds his way past here from time to time. Some say he was born 'round these parts, though I reckon no one knows quite when.

Besmer: How do you mean?

SCP-4768: Well you see, folks been tellin' stories about 'ol Donkman for well, 'bout as long as anyone remembers. My grandpappy said the Indians had stories about him, that he's always been here. If'n you ask me, I find it a touch hard to believe.

Besmer: But you have met the man? Did he look like this?

[Agent Besmer holds up the photograph.]

SCP-4768: Well that's the damnedest thing. I remember meetin' him, wasn't but 20 feet from where you're sitting'. But its fuzzy, like I can't quite remember it right– suppose I was caught in the moment.

Besmer: Interesting.

SCP-4768: If'n you say so. But if we're bein' honest, the stories 'bout 'ol Donkman are by far more interesting than those 'bout me.

Besmer: Well than, why don't you share some of these stories?

SCP-4768: Now you see, dependin' on who ya' ask you'll get a different story. Some folk believe 'em to be true matter of fact, and others such as myself, believe them to be more exaggeration than fact. Excuse me.

[SCP-4768 steps away to pour several drinks for other patrons. A few minutes pass before he returns to Agent Besmer.]

SCP-4768: Ulysses is credited for runnin' 50 miles an hour from a dead stop. He once shot a man near 100 yards away with a slingshot. Man round 20 years back said he saw 'em lift a full-grown buffalo clean over his head, with one arm.

[SCP-4768 hands Agent Besmer a drink.]

Besmer: I see what you meant when you called them 'exaggerations'. Seem to just be tall tales to me.

SCP-4768: And it could very well be so, though I reckon, some might just be true. You ask some of the old timers and they'll tell ya 'bout the old stories. Like how he once out drew none other than Billy the Kid himself. As it goes, when it came time for shooting', Donkman spat 10 yards clear into Billy's eye. Billy misfired an' hit his own horse clean in the temple. By the time anyone knew what happened, Donkman was long gone, took Billy's woman too– dependin' who ya' ask.

Besmer: Are there any stories that don't sound like complete BS?

[SCP-4768 laughs, it sounds similar to the braying of a donkey.]

SCP-4768: Well, I don't reckon the truth all that important. Ulysses B. Donkman, and his seemingly tall tales, remind us of the man we all wish to be. I suppose that's the point of it all.

Besmer: Well, I think I've heard enough. Thank you for your time.

[Agent Besmer stands to leave.]

SCP-4768: If you don't mind me askin', why were you lookin' for Donkman anyhow?

Besmer: It's not important. I'm thinking that someone was just trying to get one over on me.

SCP-4768: Maybe for the better, wouldn't want to find yourself being the punchline to one of these tales.

Besmer: [Chuckles.] No, I suppose not. You have a good one.

[END LOG]