Holiday Time Again. Need the rest. Break out the beachwear.

Holiday time again, need a break from the stresses and strains of the transfer window, and a rest, to build up the energy for the seriously tough and crucial run of games to come. No complaints here about it, feck it, it’s what we’ve all been pining for.

The big teams coming to town, be it in sunshine or under the lights, it’s special. Even more special because at long last we’re not looking over our shoulders wondering what 6th and 7th have done, or how many points we’re behind the shadow dwellers in 4th. Not a bit of it.

We’re heading into it, fighting to hold onto the top spot, holding off the oil dollars and fuck… it feels good. Why look at it and moan? Why feel down in the dumps? Why feel like luck is against us? Yes, over the last few years we’d have been horrified, and rightly so, but we still got a few results in there. Like beating Manchester City for one, Bayern Munich last year when nobody gave us a chance. Christ, we nearly beat Barcelona with Johan Djourou and Nicklas Bendtner in our team. We’re a much better side now, so “fuck it I say, bring it on”.

I’m finally going to fulfil a dream, and head for Myanmar (Burma), a mysterious country, full of mischief, and hidden gems, but also many hidden dangers. So I thought I’d leave you with a last few words, just in case I don’t return (It could happen, nobody can see into the future, nobody knows that Edinson Cavani would definitely work in our team). There’s corruption, and drug lords, militia and a dodgy army lead by a tyrannic regime. Hell I could go into the jungles and be kidnapped by a Spurs supporting monkey… (no no….phew, he’s in Madrid.)

Firstly, I’ll be off here before the transfer window has shut, and all the ITK’s head back undercover for a hibernationary wank session before their GCSE’s. I won’t see the unveiling of Julian Draxler, Jackson Martinez, Paul-Georges Ntep, Alvaro Morata, Jese, Iker Casillas and the rest (Jaysus the chef will be busy in Colney). Of course, in the likelihood that none of these come can I leave you this to ponder. They say that Olivier Giroud’s not good enough to win a league title with. (btw, don’t forget he lead the line for Montpelier in France holding off some very, very big rich clubs in behind them), they say we’re screwed if he gets injured (by ‘they’, I mean our fans as well as other team’s fans and media). What I want to ask is this, “If he’s that shit, then surely we won’t be effected if we were to lose him through injury”, and “if he’s that shit, how are we top of the league with only 16 games remaining?” It’s just been bothering me, and I didn’t want to take it to my grave with me, if the worst happens, and if I’m lucky enough to get a grave.

Before I go, I’d also love to know why the insistence on spending money for the sake of it. I totally understand why people are hoping for a striker (they’ve stated their reasons as often as I need hear), also the love in for Draxler, as he is an exciting young talent who under Arsene Wenger’s guidance could be anything. Why though, the need to just buy someone. I’ve seen us linked, and fans talk about players that in truth are no better than we have. “buy a stop gap”, “buy for squad size”. We have players to do a job, nearly anywhere on the pitch, Theo Walcott’s out, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain can go there, Santi Cazorla can go there, Serge Gnabry can go there, so why the big wish, need, yearning for a right winger, the teasing yourselves with YouTube videos, which are just another form of airbrushing, as you never see a players bad touch, or a bad miss, just like you never see a models spotty arse or her birth mark in the shape of Sam Allardyce or Mickey Quinn. Jack Wilshere gets injured, back comes Aaron Ramsey, or in goes the Ox, or Mathieu Flamini, or Tomas Rosicky. Actually Rosicky can go almost anywhere, so why the need to buy for the sake of buying.

I would like to know why people don’t actually listen to our manager when he speaks. Why they wait for the press to give their take on what he’s said and then believe their opinion instead of listening for themselves. He spent all last summer telling us he was only looking for super top quality, people put it down as lies, as Wenger speak, as Wenger poker, then along came Mesut Ozil. He does tell the truth when he speaks to us, not to the media’s questioning. He has said on numerous times that he will only buy a player who will be a step up on what we’ve got, so why do people keep believing stories about us being linked to ordinary players? Why do people then rattle off lists of average players he’s bought in recent times, forgetting that the whole landscape has changed now, the recent times, and spending was done for the situation at that time.

I would like to know, why people do nothing but give out about media and reporters, ITK’s and agents, etc. yet, whenever one of them mentions a rumour they’ve heard, people are all over it, Wikipedia, Google and the auld YouTube again, then agree it’s the player we need, plead with the club to sign them, send Tweets to players asking “if ‘x’ has said anything about coming, then send Tweets to “The Big Accounts” asking if there’s any word on ‘x’ and finally demand he be signed, leading then to disappointment when the player doesn’t move, or moves somewhere else, in turn leading to Arsene and the board getting blamed for dithering or being tightwads. They then get up on a Sunday to watch “Sunday Supplement” and spend an hour and a half ripping the piss out of the journos who have crawled onto the panel for that week, all the while forgetting that the rumour began with said journos’ fat grubby hands in the first place.

I would love to know why every single centre half has to be fast/have pace, otherwise they’re deemed to be crap. I’m pretty sure most of the great centre halves of the game weren’t your Carl Lewis types. Pace not being essential also explains why they can keep playing at the top level into their 30’s no problem, or 40’s in some cases in Italy. Poor Per Mertesacker had to put up with it being thrown at him, but then he never was quick, but quick enough to have nigh on 80 caps for Germany when he joined us, but don’t let that stand in the way of a good moan. I guess it’s the endless repetition from the media that gets into our heads.

I would love to know before I go, why exactly there has to be someone to blame for everything bad that happen to us. Why an injury to a player HAS to be the fault of the medical team. How Arsene playing someone too much, or too little is the reason behind an injury, even though, if Arsene drops the player who he’s been playing so often, the same people want Arsene shot for leaving him out. Surely an injury is an injury, a kick from an opponent, a bad tackle, no matter how many games you’ve played this will hurt you. A twisted ankle on a bad pitch, a twisted knee on a wet good pitch, can’t be blamed on anyone surely. It’s simple biology, these are people at the end of the day, pampered, overpaid people, but people nonetheless. As Poldi would say, ‘shit Happens’, surely, he’s got a point.

So now that I’ve got those questions off my chest, and whilst I’m in this sombre mood, I start looking to the past, all that’s gone before, but this time I’m bringing Twitter with me. Imagine Twitter was around in 2003, summertime to be precise. Manchester United had just won their 8th league in 11 years – shite! Worse, is we had an 8 point lead at the start of March – ah Bollocks! And not to mention THAT Leeds United game. Forward to June 3rd, and we sell David Seamen to Manchester City for £8m…. Can you just imagine it on here?

@PiersMorgan – “Oh my God, Wenger’s lost it, inexcusable, we finished 2nd and he sells Seamen, #LostIt #Tragic #SackHim”

2003 Favourites (by bellends) 2004 Retweets (by gobshites)

@PiresGarmon – “what the fuck Venga? We bottled it, and you get rid of our only calm reliable player you French clueless f###”

July (early)

@SeripNogram – “Bellion to Utd for free, why the fuck didn’t we get him, worth the punt, could do a job, #Wengerout”

@RipesRagmon – “Fucking Utd getting stronger, and Arsene buys a Swiss version of a fucking JCB #LostIt”

Mid- July

@SpireNagmor – “Oh my god, Chelsea have signed Glenn Johnson and Damien Duff, and Wenger’s on f##kin holidays, and brought his wallet with him, he’d be ideal for us ffs.”

@IpresOmrang – “Oleg feckin who, and who the hell is Lehmann, Wenger’s trying to get sacked for a pay off, it’s just not on, #Wengerout”

August –

@PiserMnogar – “I give up, Chelsea just signed Smertin, Makelele and Crespo, and we’ve got 2 unknowns and a fucking raving lunatic scientist in nets, we’re doooooomed, #WengerOut #SackThe Board.”

Ok, enough, enough. You see, even back then Chelsea were buying rings around them, and we, well we were doing feck all in the market. Philippe Senderos, Oleg Luzhny and Jens Lehmann. What I’ve just invented is actually mild compared to what would have really been said. Black scarf marches my arse, there would’ve been full on Black Snood marches or really, unbelievably, darker than coal or space black balaclava marches going on. Moaning, moaning, moaning, but totally overlooking the fact that we already had Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp, Robert Pires, Sol Campbell, Lauren, Gilberto etc. You get the jist. The rest as they say is history. I guess I’m just trying to remind people before I go, that we may have opinions, and our own ideas of who or what is best for the club we love, but at the end of the day we haven’t got a clue in comparison to the ones in charge, and no amount of us losing our shit and ranting and raving is going to change that, plus we have some seriously good players in our squad, so why not, leave them to it, let them do what they’re paid huge money to do, and who knows we might have the same result as we had at the end of that glorious season.

Enough of the past, and a quick glance to the future. Just wondered what would remain after I was gone. Arsene has gone after 26 gloriously successful years. The new Gaffer never struggles with his zips, as he’d never wear a tracksuit, he’s older, he’s wiser and his hair is still perfect, the natural progression, our future manager – Mikel Arteta. He’s been helped along the way by his assistant, Per Mertesacker, who combines being assistant with the defensive coaching role, while also running a very successful dance studio. Kieran Gibbs still looks 12, and he runs the Junior Gunners side of the business. As he and The Ox are inseparable, he now fills in as Gunnersaurus. Carl Jenkinson is still playing, he actually refuses to stop, he stopped being paid about 4 years ago, and in fact he now pays to keep playing (bleeds the red Arsenal blood). Podolski has single handily cured depression in western Europe through his multi-national Laughing Yoga business. He still helps out around the club with the psychologists. He’s also covered from head to toe in Arsenal tattoos. Flamini is in the 8th year of a 12-year stretch for eating a young central midfielder. Wojciech Szczesny is working in the kitchens, having blown all his cash, trying to become a supermodel after he retired (he truly was convinced he was the best looking man in the planet). There is a statue now, to both Wenger, and, wait for it Bendtner, he actually wasn’t crazy all along, he actually turned out to be one of the greatest strikers of all time. Tommy Rosicky after 4 years in the wilderness in Colombia has returned to the club to continue his role as head of the social club/Christmas party planner. It’s great to see that our current crop are all still involved in the club, it shows that they all actually did love it. We’re still playing amazing football, we’re winning things, and all is well, as the momentum seamlessly continued mainly due to the fact that these lads carried on Arsene’s ethos.

It’s good to know that even if we don’t sign someone in this window that we still might win the league. It’s good to know that our future is in safe hands, and it’s good to know that this current group really does care, and really will try to their limits to win for us, and money can’t buy that bond. Now I can go on my holiday, all relaxed, safe in the knowledge that even if something happens me in Myanmar, that everything will be alright, and that the club will still exist on Saturday , and for a long time after that, even if we don’t sign anyone.

Til the future, (hopefully)

#UTA.

John Woods

P.S. Everyone is panicking about this run of games we have coming up. They don’t seem to mention that Chelsea and City have to play the same teams too (granted, not altogether, but play them, they have to). For me, I think it’s the best way to play them. If you play say two games leading up to Man Utd for example, say Fulham and Palace at home, and then head up to Utd, we go from strolling around the pitch to a full on proper game against proper players, like a smack in the face early on, but if you play Liverpool, then Utd, then Liverpool again, then Chelsea and Bayern…. And so on, I think as we’re playing the top level each and every game, we’ll be playing, training and concentrating at the highest level for the whole period, so we won’t be stepping up from a lower standard, and I just think it might help us. The problem might be after the tough run, when we drop back to the lower level, we might think we can take it easy against this shower and end up with a different type of a slap on the face, but at least then we’ve a much easier run in, which can also benefit us. That’s just my positive view I guess.

P.P.S. If I don’t pass away, and manage to make it back in one piece, if you are looking for me at the Sunderland game, I think I’m going, this is how I look after a few weeks of sunshine.

I’m a 37 yr old Irish Gunner, and have been for 27-28 years now…. (Really 20, but trapped in a 37 yr olds body).. Answer to ‘Woody’, as normally when ‘John’ is used, it means I’m in trouble for something.. I took my time deciding, didn’t follow the mainstream, and definitely chose wisely… I let the club choose me, and didn’t let other people’s views or successes choose my club for me.. Seen the good times, the great times and the bad and really bad… And strangely, enjoyed all of them, as you can only relish the good and great after you taste the bad… Thats why I try to keep on the level-headed side of things, when things don’t go our way, as it’ll make the successes all the sweeter when they arrive… … and they WILL arrive…

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