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The Federal Government has today announced a flood relief package, including hundreds of blue blood North NSW cotton farmers, to help with clean up efforts in Townsville

The news that flash flooding has once again hit Townsville and its surrounding towns has rattled the deep North overnight, as emergency crews work flat out to ferry people to higher ground.

“Heard they got 200 mils the Ville last night” said former Deputy Prime Minister, Barnaby Joyce.

“I’ve got some little panama-hat wearing cockies I can send up there to drain the whole town in a couple hours”

A new emergency alert, which went out at 12:30am this morning, warned residents in the town’s Northern suburbs that properties were at risk of flash flooding due to intense rainfall.

The unprecedented amount of rain in Townsville has caused the Ross River Dam to reach more than 200 per cent capacity, resulting in the immediate roll-out of young regional men usually associated with water theft in the Murray Darling river basin.

One fourth generation cotton farmer and noted Sydney uni drop-out Clyde Fontaine-Smithbone (22) says it’d be a shame to let all of this water go to waste.

“We can bring that Ross River dam down from 240% capacity to 100% without even breaching our water quotas” he said.

“Fuck the flood gates, just give me a length of poly and a Davey”

“This town will be as dry as the Dirranbandi motorcross track by sun down”

At time of press, Clyde and his second cousins Angus and Strath were seen drinking Fireball whiskey and doing cocaine ofd their iPhones on the front of an SES truck, while a number seasonal agriculture workers from Tonga rigged up the pump for them.