opinion

Certainty, contempt and rancor — is this working for us?

I was part of a dangerous experiment a few weeks ago.

A friend and I sat at dinner and decided to take both sides of every major social and political issue and see if we could listen and learn from one another. Not just listen while waiting to speak, but really listen because we genuinely want to understand another point of view. An interesting thing occurred through listening. We found that our values were essentially identical and that we wanted the same things for our country and our society. And while we differed on the best means of achieving those ends, each of us had moments of reckoning which caused us to say: “I didn’t think of that.” That’s how it used to be in Washington and in our homes. But no more.

One in six American families reports to have a relative they no longer speak with because of differences of political viewpoints. That’s not a Washington issue, nor is it a CNN nor Fox News issue. That’s very personal. It is an interrelationship crisis that is in our homes and dividing our families.

That is not to exonerate the folks in Washington or the news networks who are having a sullying effect on the way in which we as individuals engage with one another. Some politicians today admit in private conversation that they hate the “need” to speak about others the way they do but they justify their actions on the basis of what they see and hear coming from across the aisle or on another network. As a result, what we often see, hear and read isn’t speaking or conversing. It's shouting over one another.

In school, there is often one teacher to 40 students. Today, among adults, it’s as if there are 40 teachers and no students. The reversal of this equation is poisoning our society and destroying civility in our lives. Few anymore want to learn; everyone wants to teach. It is time we took the time to learn. And it is time we took the time to ask, “I know that the politics I have inherited or rejected align with my own values, but how did you arrive at your conclusions that are different from mine?”

I fear that as we turn into next year’s election cycle the volume of political hate-speech and dangerous contempt will only escalate. But there are some things each of us can personally do about it.

First, we can commit that our next sociopolitical conversation will be driven not by animosity but by our shared values, our common desire to better our community and an open-minded curiosity. In his first inaugural address, Abraham Lincoln said, “We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.”

Second, we can allow respectful, moral and intelligent thinkers with opinions other than our own to enter our thoughtscape. If you watch Fox News, build a morning of NPR into your diet a couple times a week. If you watch MSNBC or CNN, read the Wall Street Journal editorial page regularly. Listen to a high-quality conservative or liberal podcast that counters your inherited political views because so often, our politics are inherited and highly influenced.

Third and most importantly, if you have abandoned a close relationship because of politics, perhaps say, “I know we don’t agree, but you are more important to me than our disagreement.” Open yourself to the very uncomfortable possibility that on some issues, just one or maybe even two, you might not know quite enough to rest on certainty.

Rabbi Ron Li-Paz is the Spiritual Leader of Valley Outreach Synagogue & Center for Jewish Life and a member of the Los Angeles Interfaith Council.