We’re STILL in Dubai as this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne opens — honestly, this trip is stretching out even longer than Sex & The City 2.

For the last afternoon of their holiday, Chyka’s booked out the extravagant ‘bridge suite’ at their hotel for the ladies to try on a bunch of expensive jewellery, drink, and fight.

Last week’s Real Housewives recap: ‘You maliciously ruin families’

Janet’s more than thrilled with the idea:

Chyka, resplendent in a power-caftan, tells the others that Lydia is joining them in the suite despite their massive fight of last episode — but that she has no intention of causing a scene with her. Once Lydia arrives, it appears she has other ideas.

It’s a frosty atmosphere that greets Lydia, made all the more awkward by the fact that Chyka and Lydia are wearing very similar outfits.

“Lydia arrives wearing the same outfit to Chyka. The timing of it was just …” Susie trails off, but it’s clear she knows Lydia’s broken one of the Ten Housewife Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Rock Similarly Printed Kaftan To Housewife Thou Art Feuding With.

“It was pretty intense, I almost felt like … she didn’t want me there,” says Lydia, her ability to pick up on the most basic of social cues coming along in leaps and bounds.

“We’ve brought only the best of the best, FOR the best,” the diamond saleswoman tells them as they try on their million dollar pieces. She seems to be working under the misunderstanding she’s meeting heads of state and not a bunch of boozed-up Toorak housewives.

In among this orgy of mindless consumerism, Lydia decides she’s got a plan, Stan: She wants to resolve her issues with Chyka, right there and then.

Chyka shuts her down in polite Chyka style, saying she just wants to enjoy the remainder of their holiday and they can sort it out when they’re back in Melbourne — but she’s careful to specify that Lydia “really hurt” her and she “knows what she’s done.”

Chyka retires to a sofa with Jackie — but Pettifleur joins them, and asks Jackie outright if she feels “responsible” for creating all this tension. Bless her, Chyka’s response is just to start sculling her champers:

Spying the convo from across the room, Lydia then slinks over to join them.

Basically, the exact thing Chyka said mere minutes ago she didn’t want to happen is now happening. She and Jackie quickly shut the confrontation down, rising to leave, but not before Lydia and Jackie cause a bit of a scene:

Jackie: Why’d you come over? Why’d you come over?

Lydia: Because I have a friend here, that’s why.

Jackie: She’s actually not. She’s actually not. And you’re not a friend to her.

Lydia: Oh really? Oh really? Whatever Jackie, cos you know everything.

Jackie: I do. I’m a know it all.

It’s schoolyard bickering of the highest order, but the best bit is Gamble, roused from her diamond-induced trance by the commotion, looking around in a daze and asking, ‘What’s going on…?’

That’s it for Dubai — in the next scene, the ladies are back home, and we can only predict the Dubai jaunt blew the budget so much their big season four trip will be to Wobbie’s World.

Back in Melbourne, Janet’s catching up for dinner with ex-husband Brian. It’s crunch time for the pair — they’ve been dancing around the idea of reconciling all season, and they need to make their minds up. There’s still so much affection there, and we’d actually love these two crazy kids to work it out (Brian’s historical affection for holiday wristies notwithstanding).

But alas, it’s not meant to be. Both agree they’re better off as friends — and friends they will be, as they finish dinner with a laugh and a warm hug.

“It was a great night … and it was a good 17 years,” says Janet, in what is one of the more bittersweet — dare we say, human — moments seen in three whole seasons of RHOM.

Next, we’re with Jackie and Ben as they visit a fertility doctor to get the medical all-clear ahead of their burgeoning family plans.

Asked if they’re practising birth control, Ben says they “use an interesting form of contraception,” but won’t elaborate further. Yes? What is this ‘interesting’ form of contraception? Glad Wrap?

Now it’s time for Ben to produce an, ahem, specimen. This is the moment we didn’t know was coming (pardon the pun) but we’ll never quite recover from, folks: former Silverchair drummer Ben Gillies and his psychic wife retire to a small room for a good old fashioned HJ.

Incredible scenes:

In a St Kilda restaurant mercifully far away from all this filth, Lydia meets Janet and Gina for lunch — and a spot of advice on how best to approach the Chyka situation.

“How is Chyka? You know, I still don’t know actually what I’ve done or what I’ve said. I actually don’t know,” Lydia insists.

Janet thinks this is a bald-faced lie:

“It’s like it’s all piled up like a big pile of s**t, and now Lydia’s put her little head out the top of it and she’s just drowning in s**t,” says Janet, with no small amount of glee.

They haven’t even ordered a starter when Lydia, feeling the pressure to admit to her wrongdoings, rises suddenly from the table, mid-sentence, and walks out. It’s … a bizarre over-reaction.

Back at Lydia’s house, she asserts that she’s “sick of hearing all this negative stuff about Dubai.” She’s got bigger fish to fry — after all, Figaro’s not going to harass himself:

She’s also got to organise her mum’s birthday party. Housefriend Johanna’s on hand to help, which gives Lydia an opportunity to drop this pearler:

“I love having Johanna around — she learns so much, and I think it’s really good for her. In fact, when Johanna says goodbye after an eight-hour day, I look at her and think ‘Why are you going? Stay longer!’”

We’re at Gina’s house next, where she’s enlisted the services of a professional ‘life coach to the stars’ to help her stay on top of her busy schedule.

Holistic Life Coach ‘Teymara’ has worked with clients including Lionel Richie, Joel Madden, Lionel Richie, the Hiltons, Lionel Richie, and Lionel Richie.

Seriously, Teymara drops Lionel’s name into just about every sentence. He’s a perfectionist. Shades of Quincy.

Teymara informs Gina that she “actually from that soul group that has come onto the planet to make a difference. The same as Lionel, Lionel’s in that soul group. It’s like Lionel.”

Lionel? Lionel Richie is it Teymara? Oh have you worked with him have you doll?

Gina starts to look a little concerned at the 50th mention of Lionel Richie:

As Teymara mentions Lionel Richie three, four, five more times in a row, Gina interjects, pointing out that she’s not quite in the same calibre as four-time Grammy winner Lionel Richie.

“YES BUT YOU WILL BE!” Teymara shoots back.

Gina, our advice: get out of there before you come to in Teymara’s basement sutured to Lionel Richie Human Centipede-style.

Finally this week, we’re at the opening of Chyka and Bruce’s luxe new restaurant, Glasshouse.

As the girls arrive and pose for the paparazzi, Janet encounters a little Housewife job hazard: “Jackie, don’t push my tits up, they’ll be able to see my implants! Stop that!” #relatable

“Let’s have a lovely night, drama-free!” Jackie announces, which as we all know is the International Housewife Incantation for summoning drama.

It doesn’t take long, as Lydia soon insists she’s not worried about seeing Chyka because they’ve actually already cleared the air privately. The others all call bulls**t on this because it is, in fact, bulls**t.

“Do I have to explain myself again?” asks Lydia in a piece to camera. “If so, I’m gonna make something else up.” GREAT PLAN, WHAT COULD GO WRONG.

Pettifleur then goes in to bat for her friend, defending Lydia — rather aggressively — to the rest of the group. This devolves into an argument between Pettifleur and Gina about whether or not it’s OK to point your finger in someone’s face, while both point their fingers in each other’s faces.

Lydia, standing directly between them, seems to be preserving her battery life as she stares off into the middle distance:

“Why the hell do I keep going to support Lydia over and over again, when she gives me nothing in return?” Pettifleur asks. Something’s brewing between these two.

Sitting down to dinner, Pettifleur confronts Lydia. “I just went in batting so hard for you, and I got eaten alive. You said nothing. I put my SOUL out for you,” she says.

Lydia’s having none of it. “It’s like, shut up squirrel. I’m not going to fight like a dirty girl in a gutter.”

Pettifleur says she’s questioning their entire friendship because of Lydia’s earlier silence.

“Seriously? Oh my god. You know what? Shut up, SHUT UP,” Lydia shouts.

“You’re an idiot. You’re a F***ING idiot. F***K off.”

By this time, the rest of the table is listening in with keen interest, quietly munching on their dinner rolls.

“Pettifleur and Lydia, best of friends at a beautiful event, having a kerfuffle?” Excellent use of the word ‘kerfuffle’, Jackie.

With that, Pettifleur storms out, the dramatic impact of her exit only slightly dulled by the fact that, from the back, her outfit makes her look more than a little like McDuff from Johnson and Friends.

Gamble sums up the prevailing mood among the Housewives as we sail toward’s next week’s season finale:

“It’d be a pretty lonely place being Lydia right now ...”

Next week: season finale time! The girls force Lydia’s hand on her behaviour, and she has an explosive confrontation with both Jackie and Chyka. Jackie promises to “talk the real s**t” — BRING IT.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel, and check back here right after each episode airs for our full recap. In the meantime, chat all things Housewives with recapper Nick Bond — who often gets mistaken in the street for Alfred from Johnson and Friends — on Twitter at @bondnickbond.