Ok, this is going to be a long one.

First off, if you are a GA fanatic who is only interested in how dreamy Zak is then close your browser down, or whatever you are reading this on and do not read any further. My intention is to recap the episode honestly and objectively and my hunch is that this post will offend you; so leave now. #notinterestedinatwitterwar

The GAC lot have been promoting this episode all week over on the Twitter with talk of the ‘greys’ and of it being the scariest episode yet, but in my bones I had the feeling that it was going to be a cringe-fest and my bullshit detector would be going off the scale.

I will say the production side of things was very good, they had the horror movie vibe going on from the get go. But that is all that this episode was – a production. There were long drawn out background stories and witness testimonies of incredible goings on, Zak himself had to ask, at one point, if what he was hearing was for real and I am sure he thought he was being punk’d.

On to the show:

The episode opens with lots of press clippings relating to the state of Arizona and alien abductions, cut to a long shot of a lonely camper van driving up a sparse desert road to a tiny town named Rainbow Valley which is the home of the Stardust Ranch (as a girl brought up in the 70s/80s I am instantly thinking of Rainbow Brite and her horse Starlite), I don’t think this is the vibe they were going for. I mean c’mon, Rainbow Valley doesn’t really have the ominous tones of Death Valley now does it? I have to laugh that they are going alien hunting at STARdust Ranch)

We are introduced to Dave Schrader who has invited GAC to the ranch

A clip is played from his radio show and we hear “she used to beg me to handcuff her to the bed”(shocked face) Ah it’s because she didn’t want the aliens to take her and it’s not in fact a kinky sex game. Dave tells Zak that the owner of the ranch, John Edmunds, has encountered ‘the greys’ and although typically the ‘greys’ are not aggressive, in this case they are and we are shown a number of images of supposed injuries; rashes, dry skin and sores ( eczema?)

Zak makes his way to the ranch and it does look like a horror set, complete with barking dogs etc but I’m thinking more Texas chainsaw than Predator. The first interviewee wishes to remain anonymous and so her head is out of frame and they have used a voice changer. Now this is my first problem with this episode. Zak has said it’s the guy’s wife and her property so I am calling this out as a production set up, to up the ante. We have already been told his full name, the name of the property and the state – its really not going to take the Google long to identify her if I was really that arsed *bullshit detector – Ding!*

She confirms that she is living in fear, she wants to scream but she can’t, and feels like she is going to die (MOVE THEN!!! Seriously what is wrong with these people, I would be out of there faster than a tramp on chips)

Zak asks a brilliant question “do you use the name Jesus Christ to rebuke them?” And she confirms that she does. Zak says he finds it difficult to understand why aliens would be affected by that name or prayers, good call Zak, oh wait what is he saying now……it wouldn’t have an effect on aliens but, wait for it, it would on demons!!! And there we have it, we are 3:44 minutes in and we are on to the bloody Demons. Zak concludes it is aliens and demons visiting the ranch, isn’t that a film? Oh no that’s Aliens and Cowboys (eye roll). This actually did piss me off as it was actually a good question and he could really have gone somewhere other than sodding demons, because I agree, why would an alien be effected by any human religion???

Coffee break while I bang my head on the table

The ranch owner John is interviewed next and he explains that on the day they moved into the ranch the previous occupiers had disappeared leaving all their things behind. (Doesn’t say if they rang the police like any normal person would have) he tells us that his wife would rather have been killed than be abducted and confirms that she has been molested. He goes on to tell a story that one day he came into the room and his wife was being levitated so he got his Samurai sword and killed all 3 aliens. *bullshit detector – Ding!*

Zak’s reaction is hilarious.

What I do want to make clear, is, that I believe John believes this. I am not an expert on ‘greys’ so I will not poke fun at him as he clearly believes these things are happening and I am in no position to say that they don’t and I am interested in the evidence that he provides. He states that in total he has killed 18 ‘greys’ but he doesn’t have the bodies as the bodies disappear if you don’t get their heads. I am about to let my BS detector go off again but John produces a report from 2009, he had managed to retrieve a tissue sample and sent it to a bio physicist Dr William Levengood (the Google tells me that he was a Dr who investigated the crop circles and there is some debate over his authenticity) who stated that John had a ‘smoking gun of proof of alien life on earth’ and analysis showed that the sample was a combination of animal and plant and unlike any other known cell structure.

Whilst Zak plays with the samurai sword john informs us that the doctor died mysteriously and all samples were gone. I have been all over Google and cannot find any details of his death other than he was 88………*bullshit detector – Ding!*

Cut to a clip of john partaking in a web cam interview, there is an image that can be seen in shot poking its head around the wall. John is oblivious to this at the time. I have watched it a few times. There is something definitely there but it’s not clear enough to say either way what it is. If you are predisposed to believe it’s a grey then no doubt this is what you see, however it could have been someone bringing him a drink and realising oops he is on camera ….. I will let you be the judge on that one.

We then hear about an attempted abduction of john’s wife. She was being levitated in the bedroom, taken outside and up into the ‘ship’.

Zak’s reaction is, again, hilarious.

John grabbed an AK47 (with a double banana clip – I am English, I have no clue what a banana clip is) and shot the shit out of the ship. John goes on to tell how his horses were mutilated and they show an unnecessary image of what looks to be a skin of a dead horse. We are back in horror movie land when John tells us about a wild eyed man who walked up his drive with a machete and says ‘he is the man who kills all the monsters’ (I’m thinking more Serial killer!).

Dave the radio guy calls in a report to say that Palo Verde Nuclear Power Plant is within 40 miles of the ranch, research suggests a link between nuclear plants and ET activity. Alyzabeth August joins Zak. She is a paranormal sceptic who had hoped to debunk the claims but ended up terrorised. She explains that she saw figures moving around her. Dr Brandy Howell (Doctor of Divinity – ahem) is the next to join Zak, She had been invited to the house to ‘get rid of the intruders. She states that the beings in the house look like ‘Klingons’ and came through a portal. She also encountered a spirit of a young man who had committed suicide on the property and John corroborates this story saying is one of the previous home owners and he blew his brains out with a shotgun.

Zak asks the Doctor of Divinity how she tries to get rid of the greys etc and she answers crystals and incense. Oh dear. Zak asks if she has been attacked by the greys and she answers no but she was hit by lightening but it was a positive thing. Oh my. *bullshit detector – Ding!*

She says she was struck by lightening when multiple space crafts were circling the property, she held he knife aloft and the lighting hit it and came out through the top of head (She- Ra Princess of Power) *bullshit detector – Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

It is at this point that Zak thinks he is being punk’d. I can’t say I blame him. I am at the point where I think everyone is off their tits on something.

I need another coffee beak

We are only 12 minutes in and I am worn out. Next up is Travis Walton his is the most famous abduction story and inspired the movie Fire in the Sky. I am not going to recap all this as there is loads of info on the Google – I will state I completely believe him. He comes across as very credible and doesn’t over egg it, he is matter of fact and I am drinking his kool aid.

Meanwhile Dave and Billy are back at the ranch setting up an experiment (finally) they have a geo-magnet device and they have inexplicable readings and think it could be a portal. Dave asks the aliens to ‘uncloak’. The drone camera that they are using is malfunctioning.

The team are preparing to start the investigation, we are 20 minutes in. Aaron has seen something in the sky. A light source. The X cam is rolling in the house and a shadow can be seen moving. The viewer can see that there is a shadow but again it’s hard to make out what it is.

The crew want the female photographer to act as bait and sleep in the bed where the wife is abducted and now refuses to sleep whilst they take Dave up to the mountain so he can be alone – he wants to be abducted, he wants a real experience, he wants to believe. He also doesn’t want the walkie talkie or his cell phone. Brave.

The investigation

Dave: Dave is asking for a sign. He sees a light in the sky and catches it on cam; it’s silent and moving weirdly and then just disappears. He can hear lots of movement and it does sound like someone walking through gravel. He has an IR flood at the same spot and there is nothing there (animal etc) Creepy.

Photographer – Zak wakes her as he is concerned for her and wants her out of the house – nothing has happened to her except a dead arm, but the next morning she has bruises on her arm where she felt her arm go numb

Zak and Aaron – they don’t like the atmosphere and start an EVP session. They speak to the greys and the guy who committed suicide. They capture an EVP ‘look at the stars’ and another that is unintelligible. They use the Spirit Box and get a response ‘come back’. Zac opens a door and the entire crew do a big WHOAAAAAAAA – I’m watching thinking what? What? What I miss? They replay and you can hear a really creepy HA HA HA – oh that was nasty. They bring an amplifier and the Ovilus 5 and infrasound. They are throwing everything at this (No SLS camera though – boo that’s my fave)

The Ovilus states Brown and Mist – then Plants. Bind. Used. This does link in with the report from the scientist. At the same time an anomaly appears near Aaron. He is in the bedroom and hears a clear hiss.

The infrasound is activated. Zak goes all weird and is holding the samurai sword – Zak feels dizzy and they all see a white bright anomaly in the room. The X cam picks it up – and we do see it.

And that was it.

So we had almost 30 minutes of filler and 10 of investigation. This could have been a really good show but I think the incredible stories of Klingons, Samurai sword wielding and the Doctor of Divinity ruined it. The Stardust Ranch may well be a site of alien activity but getting bell ends who say they have been hit by lightening, having it shoot out of their head and surviving all while doing a piss poor impression of She-Ra infuriates me.

I don’t know if Zak does feel like he was punk’d but I know I do.