I loved Stoya and James Deen as a couple. He called her his prom queen. They had cats together. They also enjoyed a healthy sex life and shared a love that was secure and strong enough to allow them both to continue their adult film careers. They were adorable and admirable. She wrote wonderful feminist pieces and he stood as a strong man supporting the feminist cause. He clearly advocated consent and showed nothing but respect, publicly, to the women he worked with. He was in so many ways the ideal man; you could have your sensitivity and spanking too.

Then the fall came. It seemed to happen overnight. Suddenly Stoya was on her best friend’s couch and porn’s supercouple was no more. They both seemed equally devastated on social media which made it even more mysterious and heartbreaking.

The mystery has been solved, to some extent, with Stoya’s tweets about her being raped by Deen.

Fuck James Deen. Now, honestly, I am all for innocent until proven guilty but not long after Stoya’s statement, Deen’s ex (Joanna Angel) came out in support of her, tweeting that he was “…literally the worst person I’ve ever met…”. Then two other actresses in the adult industry shared their assault stories involving Deen. I don’t believe they’re lying. While much is said about women making false rape accusations, it very rarely happens. Mostly because it seems that no one believes you anyway. In the case of a sex worker it is even worse. How on earth could you be raped when you have sex for money, on camera for anyone to see? I call bullshit. Anytime consent is not given, rape/sexual assault occurs. I can have sex with a train of twenty men and if I say “no” to number twenty-one and he ignores me then he is committing rape. If I say “yes” to number 22 after being raped by number 21, guess what? Still fucking rape by number 21. My body. My rules. My consent.

This is even further complicated by their relationship at the time. There is an underlying bias that if you are in a sexual relationship with someone, whether dating or married, that you cannot be raped by them. I guess the idea is if you said “yes” once that covers you for the rest of the relationship. Like blanket permission to have your body used at their will. Uh no. NO. I have been in this place. With a romantic partner that I loved who got tired of waiting for me to get over grieving my grandmother’s death and decided to just fuck me whether I wanted to or not. I was so emotionally numb from my loss I just let it happen and it continued to happen until the end of our relationship because I thought it was something I owed him or that I was obligated to give him. IT WAS NOT. It took me years to see that I had been raped. I was a teenager at the time and only through adult eyes could I understand that I did not give what was taken and that is rape. You think you misinterpreted it. Then you think, “well everyone else will say it wasn’t” so you don’t tell anyone. There’s simply no point. You doubt yourself and your own feelings of violation. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m glad Stoya ran as quickly as she did. Hopefully, she knew her full worth and got out immediately and not after it happened multiple times before she finally said “enough”. While Deen proclaims his innocence, the industry that he ruled is turning away from him.

Late Monday afternoon, a major adult film company, Kink.com, announced that it would sever ties with Deen immediately — “For the Kink.com community, as well as the larger BDSM community, consent and respect are sacrosanct,” the company said in a statement — and the Adult Performer Advocacy Committee, an organization that aims to improve safety and working conditions in the adult film industry, announced in a tweet that Deen had voluntarily resigned his position on the committee’s board of directors.

Via The Independent His ties outside of the industry aren’t standing by him either. The Frisky ended his sex advice column to show their support for Stoya. On Twitter there has been a groundswell of support under the #standwithstoya hashtag. Much of it focusing on the plight of sex workers not being heard when they try to report or share experiences with sexual assault:

There have, of course, been a large contingent supporting Deen as well and those who just view women as holes to be filled have no sympathy at all but that’s nothing new. I’d like to believe that James Deen practices what he preaches, truly, but there are so many incidents reported now that at the very least it shows an issue with understanding when someone doesn’t want to play and respecting that. The only way he can right this is to admit his faults and face the consequences. Sadly, I don’t see that ever happening. Hopefully this will lead to a larger conversation about women’s safety and consent in any situation, whether in a relationship or the sex industry or a frat house.

Our bodies, our rules, our consent.