Under the influence of the confidence and energy these drugs provide, users often go way beyond their boundaries and find themselves at risk of violence, sexual assault, and overdoses.



My first planned chemsex encounter was with an old guy who had just returned from the States. He told me he had organised rave parties there. He also told me that he loved pushing needles as it gave him an instant, stronger, and long-lasting high. I agreed to let him push a needle into my vein. Within a few seconds of the drugs mixing with my bloodstream, I was euphoric.



A few months later, I met another guy in my colony who was into meth. One night, when both of us were high, he touched me and I ended up giving him a blow job. He loved it so much that for the next few days, we were just using drugs and going down on each other – on my terrace, at his house, or in any random park at night.

A few days later, still high, I fell off my terrace and broke my leg. That night I had consumed more drugs than I ever ever had before, and at some point in the night, I sold my phone to procure more. The next day I got an email from my boss saying that I was fired.

Drugs can make you do things you would never imagine your sober self doing. Combining it with intimate situations only increases the risk. I remember one night when my friend dropped me in front of my apartment. I stood there in the soaking rain, waiting for his car to disappear around the corner. When he was gone, I walked down the street, looking at every passing man. Finally, I caught the eye of a cyclist passing by. By the time I got to my bed in the morning, I was exhausted and overwhelmed by guilt and shame.

Over the years, I became a connoisseur of watching nights turning into days. I spent weeks lying in bed or looking out my balcony, messaging every person online until I saw the moon go down and the sun come up. I ventured out high, twice or thrice, walking down long and shady routes, gesturing to sleepy drivers for a quick blow job. I would return only after daybreak, when my body was so tired that it only wanted to sleep.

And then there was the threat of violence. Most of my dates weren’t aggressive or violent, but their behaviour could be unpredictable, leading to sad or scary situations. In combination with the anxiety these drugs can produce, such situations often feel like they can spiral out of control at any moment. While warning me to stay away from drugs, another friend recounted an episode: “One night, a man walked into my room, high and clearly out of his head. He didn’t look anything like the pictures he had exchanged. He insisted on fucking without a condom. I had already told him that I wasn’t up for anal sex, but he didn’t want to budge. He started forcing himself on me. I had to literally jump out of bed and lock him in the room until morning.”

This risk of violence has manifested in a very real form in the UK and the US, where the chemsex scene has taken an even darker turn. GHB, widely known as the date-rape drug, has risen in popularity among chemsex practitioners over the last five years, as has the practice of "speedballing", or combining multiple drugs to devastating effects. In London alone, 61 deaths are reported to have been caused by GHB, between 2011 to 2015. The drug made national headlines in late 2016 when a serial killer named Stephen Port murdered four young men he met on Grindr by overdosing them on the drug. Since then, several news publications across the UK have reported on chemsex and the devastating effect it has had on the gay community.

In India, there are no reliable statistics on men who have sex with men (MSM) – estimates range from 3.1 million (United Nations) to 0.43 million (National AIDS Control Organisation). A sixth of these men are reportedly on gay dating or hookup apps, according to a study by Blue Lotus Advisory’s Safe Masti program. However, it is not just app users who indulge in chemsex, or high fun, as it is called in India. In my experience, autowallas, truck drivers, and labourers too engage in MSM activity, with or without drugs.