

The only thing more dangerous to peace and security than North Korea is an attack on the Welsh language.



If the Welsh language is attacked, we don’t know how severe the assault will be.

Attacks on the Welsh language generate great heat and blast. The heat and blast are so severe it can kill your reputation for high-quality current affairs programming, as well as your self-respect.

They also create a cloud of deadly dust called fallout sucked up by the attack and carried by the internet to thousands of people.

If an attack is expected, the warning sound will be a very nasal, Gog-like rising and falling note like this:

You must take cover at once. If you are caught in the open, lie down.

The all-clear signal will sound like a persistent steady drone, like this:

The steady monotonous drone indicates politicians have returned to work, giving the media something else to write about. When you hear this sound, you can leave your cover, but keep listening for further warnings.

If you suggest migration to Welsh-speaking areas by non-Welsh speakers may have a negative impact on a community language, or that young people are priced out of their communities by high house prices and second home owners, you may be accused of racism or switching to Welsh in the presence of an English-speaker.

Stay calm. Try not to laugh when they tell you they moved to Wales to escape immigrants, or that they are a “citizen of the world who respects all cultures” (with a copy of The Guardian tucked under their arm).

Remember that before entering a building or cover, you should brush or shake off any fallout you may have picked up and get rid of it.

An attack on the Welsh language may last up to 14 days, although the danger from fallout will lessen over time. Keep an eye out for what’s trending on social media. This will tell you when it’s safe to talk about something else.

As the danger from fallout begins to pass away, you will be able to use or speak Welsh in Wales for a longer period. There may still be a lot of fallout dust lying about, so be careful people don’t bring their rubbish opinions with them. Make sure these opinions are discarded into the trash before entering polite company.

If anyone’s self-respect or reputation dies having been wound up on social media for more than five days – and it is safe to show your face – then you should bury the reputation for the time being in a trench, or cover it with earth, then mark the spot of the burial.