The first day of Glastonbury, everyone is so overly excited to ruin their body with drugs that the atmosphere is verging on mania. Hundreds of thousands of people pretending to be chill and trying to remind themselves that there are a whole four to five days ahead of them, and that they should be sensible and not instantly bin all of their serotonin, while simultaneously knowing that the main reason they bought a ticket was definitely to take drugs in a field with their friends.

On that note, here are all the worst drug-related things various VICE editorial staff heard at Glastonbury, 2017, then wrote down in our iPhone notes verbatim.

– "He's fucking lying saying he put it up his arse to get it in. No one actually does that. What you gonna do, wash the shitty wrap off under the communal campsite tap while some bloke is doing his teeth?"

– "Haven't dropped a pinger yet;"

–"Behind the times, mate. Vibes are highhhhhhhhh"

– "Wait for me. Just need to do my first coke shit."

– "Is this gak day, and then tomorrow in the bin? Then the horrible MDMA day Friday, then Saturday is robot K day?"

– "I shagged before Thursday night and the pilly willy and before everyone's grease gets really slick." – "Just call me the shagger."

– "You're not going to shag at Glasto. You can't even keep a pinger down, let alone shag."

– "We need to hang out more. I know that sounds like I'm saying it because of the pingers – lol – but seriously, though."

– "We did a big bump of random K. Can't move a muscle. But where are you?"

– "Lol. We'll come when we've sobered up. Having a poo in tipi zone."

– "Do you think Corbs has ever taken mandy?"

– "Yeah, he used to be well hippy back in the day, didn't he."

– "Makes me sad to think he's never felt that fucking special."

– "Where are you?"

– "Dance floor. Am doing bonding bumps."

– "How many coke shits have you done tonight?"

– "They can't be stopped, buddy."

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– "I wouldn't tell someone they're beautiful and not fuck them. Even if I'm not on MDMA."

– "Chang-a-lang, chang-a-lang and ket-a-doodle-doo to you too."

– "Watch out for my coke bogies. Might just sniff them back up, to be honest. You know when you've been out and you forget the next morning and sniff and get a tiny bit high again."

– "That doesn't happen."

– "Yeah, it's probably all psychological, but I swear it happens."

– "Good night?"

– "Yeah, I love taking loads of speed and sadly stomping next to exes."

– *Licking out a baggie* "These are the cornflakes; don't waste the cornflakes, boys."

– "You can't just fucking cockblock me because you've taken too much mandy. I know you're feeling shit, but think about me."

– "Wahey! Have a little key my lad and you'll be OK."

– *Doing a key and dropping powder over belly during The Killers' secret set* "I'm Mr Bright-eyes! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do"

– "Get the lube before the chang, OK?"

– "No gak for a week after Glasto. I really mean it this year."

– "That is fucking bullshit."

– "I feel like a grey statue."

– "I'm definitely going to be sick. If he would stop fucking playing the Eva Cassidy cancer song maybe it'd be OK."

– "You know The NeverEnding Story? This is The NeverEnding Comedown and it's worse than that film because that film doesn't make me want to cry and I can't see that fucking dragon creature around anywhere, can you?"

– "I feel so worthless and talentless and shit, and this morning I cried thinking about ducks. Their soft bellies."