(Disclaimer: I love Magic, have a lot of respect for Wizards R&D, and understand that building formats is a very tough job. The following contains some… er… playful jabs at Wizards, but is hopefully enjoyed as good-natured. For the previous article in this series check here)

April 25, 2017

Dear Diary,

As you know, I’ve been having a rough time recently. Losing both my girlfriend and my job in a matter of weeks hasn’t been the easiest of adjustments. It did have its benefits, however, such as day-drinking on a Tuesday.

I sat down next to my buddy Gabe, a college dropout who was already a couple of beers in. Despite his daily binging at the bar, he was convinced that he was the next Mark Zuckerberg.

“How’re you doing, man?” I asked.

“I’m good, I’m good,” Gabe slurred. He looked me in the eye, squinting for a moment. “Can you tell that I’m lying? Cuz I’m actually not so good.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, ordering a whiskey.

Gabe squinted at me again. “Now you’re lying,” he decided. “You don’t care about me. But what if I told you, that with a small investment, I could make an app that does care about me?”

He paused for what I assume was intended to be dramatic effect, but was ruined by the blob of saliva that began to creep over his bottom lip.

“It’d be called… Dad,” he continued, tears welling up in his eyes.

It was going to be one of those days.

I hastily stood, grabbing my whiskey and looking for somewhere else to sit. It was then that I spotted a bald, heavyset man with a ginger beard sitting in the corner, gazing emptily at the wall, the drink in his hand clenched as though it was the only thing tethering him to the world. I hesitated, but Gabe’s sobs motivated me to move quickly across the room, sitting myself down across from him.

“Hello,” I said. “My name is Jared.”

The man seemed startled that another human had somehow appeared across from him.

“I’m Sam… Sam Stoddard,” he rasped back.

“You don’t look so hot, Sam,” I said. “What’s going on?”

Sam shook his head.

“I’m the lead developer for a card game, Magic: the Gathering- “

“I know that game! That’s the one with the wizards and spells and stuff! I had a roommate who played!”

Sam nodded glumly. “Yup. Everyone has a roommate who plays at one point or another. Part of our secret marketing campaign.” He took a swig of his drink. “Anyways, things haven’t been going so hot recently. I keep letting really busted cards see print, and I’m afraid that the 7-year-old we have on our development team is going to take my job as Lead Developer. Dang Timmy…”

“Er… you’re upset because you’re bad at making playing cards…?” I asked, trying to understand. Stoddard slammed his mug on the table.

“It’s a very complicated game!” he responded through gritted teeth. “The game requires years of practice to have a chance at winning at the highest levels! And it’s even harder to make it in the first place!”

I shrugged. “I don’t know… I’m pretty good at cards. I used to wreck at Uno.”

Stoddard glared at me with manic, drunken eyes. “How about this,” he spat. “You play the game at the highest level. If you do well, say, Top 16, I’ll give you a job at Wizards. If not- “

“You trap my soul in the Shadow Realm, right?! Right?! Yeah, I remember this game!”

And that’s how I got a Special Invite to Pro Tour Amonkhet.

May 1, 2017

Dear Diary,

I bought a Planeswalker Deck today at Target. Tried learning how to play. Man, this game is complicated! Went online to do some research. Things I learned:

Blue players are the worst.

Blue is the best color.

Blue is underpowered.

Blue is overpowered.

Legacy is dead.

Legacy is the One True Format.

The Reserved List is terrible.

Spikes are terrible.

WOTC is terrible.

All unexplained phenomena are something called, “Emrakul,” which is a kind of “eldrazi.” Or maybe actually Marit Lage?

I’m super confused.

May 5, 2017

Dear Diary,

Well, some good news at last! One week until the Pro Tour, and I have a friend who said they could lend me a deck! I’m super-excited. He said it was the best deck because it has one of the “eldrazi” I found online, but not Emrakul. Apparently, Emrakul was an eldrazi card that got banned because it was a big body that had a mind slave on it. I guess maybe people were mad because slavery…? Or its body was big and that was fat-shaming? Not sure.

May 12, 2017



Dear Diary,

TODAY WAS INSANE!!! As you know, it was the Pro Tour today in Nashville. There was this cool part at the beginning when we were in groups of eight, and everyone who had never been to the Pro Tour stood up and got applauded! My table was super nice – everyone was all smiles when I told them that not only was it my first Pro Tour, but I had never done this thing called drafting before. I assumed it was like the NFL, so I did okay until I tried to trade draft picks with other players. I guess that’s frowned upon? Anyways, I won my first match of Magic! I went 1-2 in the draft. My last opponent didn’t draw enough lands, so he couldn’t make manas for his cards! I killed him with my six Slither Blades; they’re really powerful because they’re cheap and unblockable!

But anyways, I was more excited for the rounds in the afternoon where I got to play with the deck that I brought. My friend said it was called, “Teamer Aetherworks.” Or maybe that I was a member of Team Aetherworks? Not sure. My games were really cool though.

I don’t remember my first opponent’s name, but that’s because he only went by a series of letters. I was a little nervous because I learned online that people who only go by letters are supposed to be really good. LSD, BBDM, PVDDR, etc. Anyways, I CRUSHED IT! My friend had told me exactly how to play the deck, and it worked beautifully: I played any card that I could on the first three turns, then played Aetherworks Marvel on the fourth turn. I used its ability and picked the biggest creature I could find in my top six cards! It was a big guy with a skull face and lots of arms. And something crazy happened, just like my friend had predicted: once I revealed him, my opponents just gave up! I think this must be the new Exodia, where if you reveal it, you just win the game on the spot. I remember playing with Exodia back when the game first came out, but my friend always beat me with the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. If only she could see me now!



At this point, I was really getting the hang of the deck, but was also super-confused at why Sam Stoddard had said that Magic was skill-intensive. If people play my deck, how do they lose? I found out in Round 6 when my opponent got to play Exodia before me! Even though he was at really low life and I had a lot of creatures on the board, I knew that Exodia meant that I lose, so I scooped up my cards and moved to the second game. This is where I got fancy. I was reading one of my cards (I think it was Whirly Virtue or something) more closely when I found out that I could use energy to make flying Helicopters! It was lucky I read it because that game, I didn’t draw any Aetherworks Marvels, so I just made about six Helicopters and whirled my way to victory. It was just like my Slither Blades from the draft!Winning my first match felt good, but I kind of figured it was a fluke. My heart sank during my second match when, in my top six cards, there was no Exodia. Instead, the only thing I could find was a girl on fire, so I picked her. My friend had taught me how Plane-Walkers work, so I used this red card to kill all my opponent’s creatures! It turns out that it killed a bunch of my creatures too, which gave me enough energy to activate my Aetherworks Marvel again. This time, I hit Exodia and my opponent surrendered.

In my last match, I was extra nervous because my opponent had played a couple of Islands out, and I knew from my research that Island was the best land and that it could counter my spells. And sure enough, he did just that. I couldn’t play my Aetherworks Marvel or my Whirly Virtue, but luckily, I had plenty of energy and life from sneaking my Woody Puzzleknots through his countermagic. I was pretty sure I was winning, as I don’t think he could deal 35 damage to me without any creatures. That was when he started using his lands to attack me! I called over a judge because my friend had told me that only creatures can attack, but his land was special. When I only had 11 life left, I realized something: I had thirteen lands, and I also had Exodia in my hand. I revealed Exodia with a smile, tapping 10 lands. My opponent grinned, and he countered Exodia! I didn’t know that could be done! I still got to kill his lands that were attacking me, and then the next turn I played a second Exodia. That one made my opponent curse and pick up his cards angrily.

“You got lucky, control is supposed to have a good matchup against Marvel,” my opponent muttered under his breath.

I remembered what Sam Stoddard had told me. “Magic is a skill-intensive game; luck plays only a small role. On average, the better player will win.” This made my opponent storm off, and it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I started to see why people liked playing this game.

May 13, 2017

Dear Diary,

After the excitement of yesterday, today was pretty boring. I went 1-2 in my draft again, and went undefeated in the other rounds. Came in 12th place. I won a lot, but I don’t really know how or why. I guess people like Magic because it’s kind of like gambling? It seems like you just flip a coin with Marvel, except the coin is pretty heavily weighted toward you getting heads every time.

Ah, well. Nashville was cool, and at least I’ll be able to tell Gabe that I have a job!

PRESS RELEASE

From: Sam Stoddard (stodthegod@wizards.hasbro.com)

To: Press Office (media@wizards.hasbro.com)

Subject: Play Design

Remember that idea I had a couple weeks ago about a new group called Play Design for R&D? You know, the one that is supposed to do the job Development is already supposed to do, except competently? And all of you hated it?

Well, I lost a bet I made while drunk. So we’re doing it. Timmy will be heading it, and the other confirmed hire is Jared “I came in 12th at the Pro Tour having never played Magic before” Compton.

I’ll be at the bar all week if you need anything.