I’m still new at this.

In the past few months, I’ve been fortunate to attend this year’s Game Developer’s Conference and Electronic Entertainment Expo. I will additionally be present at Comic-Con, Penny Arcade Expo, Blizzcon and (perhaps?) Tokyo Game Show. I’ve always been a spectator – it wasn’t until this year that I’ve been lucky enough to be considered a part of the industry. And during this time, I’ve mingled with, been courted by, taken shots with, been harassed by, become Facebook friends with and developed friendships with people from the video game companies who make the games that I’ve been playing all of my life.

I’ve also snagged some free tote bags and t-shirts.

In spite of my limited time in this wonderful industry, I’ve learned a few lessons that I don’t mind sharing with you. I will most likely expand on these points later; there’s no pain in scratching the surface for now. I was taken aback a bit in learning some of these “DUH-YOU-SHOULD-ALREADY-KNOW-THAT” lessons, but bear in mind that the practical is always different from the theoretical.

As a well-respected CEO of a well-respected video game company kindly informed me, “It’s entertainment, baby.”

Nobody gives a shit about your small video game blog.

PixelatedWho? It’s hard to realize this at first, but the first time always hurts. People will not click to your web site for breaking video game news unless you already have a big name in gaming journalism: Kotaku, Joystiq, IGN, Gamespot, etc. Should you somehow break a story for your cute little video game blog, it will get swooped away by one of the aforementioned sites and enjoy all of the hits, anyway. Absolutely no disrespect intended — imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

If you can’t break it, make it.

Seeing as how we have limited opportunity to get in touch with the Public Relations representatives at all of our favorite video game publishers, the question begs: what do we write about? It seems that the only way to get anyone’s attention is to make your own news. What? Original content on the Internet? Unfortunately, “Original Content” has seemingly transformed into an invitation for top ten lists and galleries of booth babes. I don’t mean to quote a woman who makes handbags, but Coco Chanel has a point: “In order to be irrepplaceable, one must always be different.” Our cute little blog won’t survive if our main content consists of images from 4chan and articles inspired by Cracked.com.

Every female in the gaming industry will initially be considered hot (unless you’ve insulted their god)

I should add that this opinion is entirely binary. If you are a female in the gaming industry, you are either (1) “every guys dream come true” (2) “the ugliest bitch on the face of this planet.” There is nothing in between. This situation is entirely inevitable – the industry is full of 12-34-year-old dudes who are most likely single and are most likely looking for a cool chick to play video games with, which makes them most likely very horny (or very angry, if you’ve insulted their god). What else should we expect?

Every female in the gaming industry will initially be considered a fake gamer

A female’s video game skills are always in question: even the famed WoW player May “Hafu” Wang and skillful Guitar Hero champion Annie “Ecstacy” Leung had to prove themselves at one point. And while the guys will think that you’re the hottest piece of ass on the planet, they’ll refuse to believe that you can blast them with a couple of headshots. Unfortunately, it seems like the only way for a girl to prove that she really is a gamer is to win a couple of national tournaments or find her way to WCG. Or maybe, like, pose naked with a Guitar Hero controller or something like that.

You are at all times required to be professional

This is regardless of the hundreds of video games, the dozens of midgets wearing Rabbid costumes, and the several half-naked chicks surrounding you. Surrendering your professionalism brings you subject to vast criticism from anonymous people on the Internet. They’ll insult your integrity, they’ll question your intelligence, and they’ll go so far to claim that you are an “asshat.” I’m a bit confused with how delivering content on button-mashing with whimsical characters and outrageous scenarios can be taken anywhere near the Serious-Business-professional level. I’ll re-evaluate this idea when I can take the suggestion seriously – seeing as how it is probably coming from a man who spends most of his time farming for gold with his beloved night elf.