Here's a transcript of some of Kristen Schaal's Daily Show routine on the current mandatory transvaginal ultrasound disgrace and the national attack on women's reproductive rights:

I just flew in from Virginia, and boy is my vagina tired! From the involuntary ultrasound wanding — AM I RIGHT, LADIES? (Beat.) And by the way, why do they call it a 'wand'? Where are we — Hogwarts? The only thing magically disappearing was my dignity and privacy, BOOM!!!

…What's the difference between a fertilized egg; a corporation; and a woman? (Beat.) One of them isn't considered a person in Oklahoma! BOOM!!!