It has been said too many times that having children ruins your sex life. Or even that being married for a reasonable number of years does the same thing. It is generally expected that one’s sex life will wane to nothing, or close to nothing.

This is absurd. We’ve been brainwashed into believing that the only kind of sex worth having is “red hot”. In other words, orgasm-chasing sex where both partners are “successful” and preferably simultaneous. How did so many of us get seduced by this nonsense?

We don’t all want a bright red ground-hugging sports car. We don’t only appreciate art that is bigger, larger, bolder. We don’t find one Indian meal that we like and think, “the hotter the better”, and then only want that same meal for the rest of our lives. We know that there is an abundant range of beautiful colours and subtle flavours. So why did we start thinking that, with sex, red is the only colour? What about a little light-ochre sex with maybe a layer of almost translucent green and a dash of indigo?

For my sixth book, Sensation, I spent a year learning about what can make sex into good sex. I’m not interested in anything weird: being whipped, tied up with an intricate series of Japanese knots, having sex with groups of strangers – none of this is my thing. I wish all consenting adults joy, but I’m interested in good sexual experience in the context of a long-term monogamous relationship.

Far too much effort is needed to sustain “red hot” – few of us have that much energy, and it’s not fun. I’d spent seven years in an orgasm-chasing sex life with an ex-husband and knew I didn’t want that experience any more. So I decided to learn about a range of sexual experiences that my new long-term partner and I could share that would be as varied as all the colours in a huge colouring box. (Incidentally, I write from a heterosexual perspective.)

For my research, I went to a range of courses, workshops and took part in experiments: women-only weekends and couples workshops. I read a lot, learned to use the word “yonic” to compliment “phallic” without blushing, met tantric masters and even attended the first international conference of clitoral stroking (someone has to). This may sound like a dream job – but it required more vulnerability and courage than you can imagine. A year-long journey is hard to summarise but there are a few things I’d like to shout from the rooftops.

Women – you have to stop exaggerating the amount of sensation you are feeling in order to make your partner feel happy. If you go on doing this you will eventually rebel against your own deception. I don’t mean faking orgasm (although many women do), I mean faking pleasure or even exaggerating your responses. It’s not fair to you or to him. You know this. One day you’ll end up saying that you don’t want to have sex any more. Women make excuses – yes, of course you’re tired, but that’s not it: you’re not enjoying it. And of course you can’t say that because he thinks you are and you don’t want to upset him. I know. I understand. But this behaviour on your part isn’t fair because unless you give genuine feedback how can he learn? And how can your sex life get better?

Take courage. Be kind, but find a way to tell the truth. This isn’t easy. Even after a year I found it hard to admit to my lover that during penetration my sensation levels went down and not up. But if you want to make everything better you have to start with honesty because then you can move forward. Way too many couples end up sexually estranged.

Instead of focusing on orgasms (nothing wrong with them but remove them as a goal), put your focus on the sensation in your body. Whatever or wherever that may be. And ask your partner to stop focusing on orgasms too. Just forget about them completely.

‘Listen for the softest sensations, the most subtle, and enjoy those.’ Photograph: Alamy

When people have hearing problems they are taught to listen for the softest sounds. And so it is with “listening” to sensation. If someone you love runs their finger along your arm it can produce a wonderful sensation, which could be described as “a bit like white”. If you take a very beautiful long feather and move it very slowly and lightly along skin it can produce such delight to the nerves that the body judders with pleasure.

Listen for the softest sensations, the most subtle, and enjoy those. Sometimes “red” may join other sensations and sometimes not. It’s important to “listen” to the sensations – if your mind wanders, bring it back to being present to the touch, just as in meditation. Enjoy everything, every delicate vibration. There is no way that making your own body and your partner’s feel good can fail.

If you want to make love to one person for the rest of your life, this is surely worth a little study

One of the practices I came across is that taught by Nicole Daedone. The clitoris is stroked for 15 minutes with a very light touch to explore the infinite variety of sensations that can be experienced. There is a specific way of practising this and it’s best done away from a bed and with the light on. It’s not a warm-up for sex; it’s a separate practice. You just relax and place all the awareness on the sensation. The stroke should be no firmer, Daedone explains, than if you were stroking your own eyelid. For the stroker, learning how to connect fully has all the pleasure of learning how to play a cello – and some. The stroker keeps all their clothes on so they don’t lose focus. There is a lot to learn but, again, it’s about a depth of sensation and definitely not about chasing an orgasm. This clue for free: the upper left of the clitoris (if you’re lying down) is the most sensitive spot. But you can have fun learning this for yourselves. It’s a practice designed for two.

Another of the exercises my partner and I really enjoyed was when he chose (not prompted by me) to take a 30-day challenge where the man agrees not to ejaculate during that time. This is a fascinating one. For me, it was wonderful. He was forced to slow right down and be totally focused on sensation. From my perspective, it stopped feeling as if he was driving and began to feel as if he was surfing. This was another powerful way for us to increase our connection. The man becomes more aware of the woman’s arousal level as he isn’t being carried away by his own – which is often stronger and easier for him to access.

I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with orgasms, but if and when they show up they should be one of the options on the menu – among a whole glorious selection of sensations and pleasures. If you want to make love to one person for the rest of your life, this is surely worth a little study.

Real students of sexuality are rare and I’m not sure why. If you love someone, learn how to make love with them – well. And the subtle nature of women’s arousal and orgasm is worth a little study. I can’t think of any subject more worthy of exploration.

Maybe some couples think that the only ways to enrich their sex lives is somehow to develop a penchant for BDSM or partner swapping. But relax. There is enough to keep just two of you very very happy for several lifetimes; a good sex life is there just waiting for us and it’s free of charge.

Please don’t settle for being sexually estranged, as so many couples do. Just don’t make it red or nothing. Enjoy a little light orange one night, some deep purple another and even some white. After all, your body evolved for pleasure.

For me, it was an extraordinary year and much laughter, love and tears ensued. And I recommend spending time dedicated to learning about sex. What better investment in a relationship could there be?

Sensation: Adventures in Sex, Love and Laughter by Isabel Losada (Watkins Publishing, £9.99). To order a copy for £8.49, go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99