1. It is never a good idea to ask someone to marry you before the first date.

1.1 This also applies to the Internet. Double.

2. Half your age plus seven.

That's the yougest you can date without appearing a wee bit foolish and/or desperate.

ie - you're 40, half your age = 20, plus 7 = 27.

3. Your bumper sticker is preaching to the converted



3.1 You will never spell women/wimmin/wymin in a manner that will be acceptable to ALL of them

4. The average interval between lesbian relationships is minus three point five minutes.



4.1 The average lesbian date lasts approximately three years.



4.1 You never want to be "rebound girl" (RG)- the rule is a minimum of one week singledom for ever month they were were were their ex.

Any less, and you have a strong potential for being RG.

5. I love you is not a question.

6. Femmes look like femmes even in men's suits.

6.1. Ditto Tuxedos

7. Piercing your tongue is a lesbian contradiction in terms.

8. It is much cheaper to say, "No, thank you, I have to milk the bison this weekend" now than it is to break up later.

It is not, however easier.

9. Any friend in need of being "fixed-up" is way too broken to be ready to date.

10. The term "Lesbian Therapist" is redundant.

11. Life is a process. Lesbian Life is the process of processing the process.

12. Anybody who thinks that being a lesbian doesn't have something to do with your mother isn't paying close attention.

13. After six months, all lesbian couples walk alike. It's a law.

13.1 After one year, all lesbian couples will be wearing at least one matching item of apparel.

13.2. After ten years, all lesbian couples pronouncing the word, "Hello" into a telephone will sound indistinguishable.

14. Your girlfriend will never understand why you want to start dating again.

15. There's no such thing as lesbian divorce.

There is only thermo-nuclear war.

And then best friends.



15.1 It is nearly impossible for a lesbian to have a best friend she has not been previously been in a relationship with.



15.2 Or won't soon be in a relationship with.

16. You will always solve the problems of the last relationship in the current one.

16.1 It will not, however, help.

17. Just because you never talk about any men except your father and brothers at work does not automatically mean that everyone at work surely must know you're a lesbian.

18. Dental Dams come in chocolate. And mint. And colours.

Plasti-wrap just comes in colours.

19. Only one member of each couple will be truly thrilled to have gay and lesbian marriage legalized.

19.1. Which one will vary at any given time.

20. The only ex that your current lover will ever be fully able to appreciate is the one before at least the one before her.

21. If you don't tell people you have a life, they will think you are boring.

22. "No!" is a complete sentence.

23. Not all nuns are lesbians.

23.1. Ditto flight attendants.

23.2. Not all members of the LPGA are lesbians.

23.3. Ditto professional tennis players.

23.4. Not all residents of Palm Springs, Jamaica Plains, Northhampton, Asheville, Park Slope, Provincetown, or Key West are lesbians.

23.5. It's just wishful thinking.

24. Your mother no longer automatically believes she caused it.

24.1. You father will probably disagree. But only during major arguements.

25. Every family, if you extend out to all the cousins, has at least one gay or lesbian member.

25.1. Your father will tell any one who asks, that it's on your mother's side.



25.2 Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

26. One half of the gay or lesbian businesses in our town will be out of business before the year's out.

26.1. The other half will believe that you owe them a living.

27. Your gaydar will only work on half the lesbian population.

28. The word, "Lover" is always more than any straight person will really want to know.