Welcome, thoughtful and questing American migrants, the most idealistic and fragrant of your storied nation. Come to Canada!

We just happily welcomed 25,000 Syrian migrants and we are totally happy to house good US citizens who agree that any further destabilizing of the Middle East by outsiders would be awful.

But Trump. Cruz. Rubio. How could you have let this happen?

Apparently on ill-named Super Tuesday – because there was nothing Super about the Republican results – some Americans turned to Google in a terrible despair and typed “how can I move to Canada?” The company’s data editor Simon Rogers noted that searches rose more than 350% on Tuesday evening. They reached ludicrous heights by the end of that wretched day, many of the searches seeming to originate in Massachusetts where people cannot deal, they just cannot.

I take it the searches were gently corrected by Google and originally read more like “howcn I move Canada” and “Cnada I want5 to gao to there.” Because if intelligent Americans weren’t drinking heavily that night, they were better off than Canadians looking on, horrified. We drank for you. We were worried.

So. In the meantime. Here’s our national Determine Your Eligibility to Immigrate to Canada website to give you a start, with its helpful message at the top, “You may experience delays while using the website. We are working to resolve this issue. Thank you for your patience.”

What word is missing from that message? “Sorry.” We are totally sorry for failing to apologize for these unconscionable delays born of our sudden popularity because, you see, smart Americans are a get. You will fill our gaps.

We wanted to take your military deserters but our previous prime minister, a bit of a Cruz, said no. Now we’ll take your citizens deserting on grounds of morality, economic equality, and a basic revulsion for things like dark money. Trump not being overly keen to distance himself from the KKK. The way Ted Cruz kisses his daughter. Marco Rubio’s robotics.

Here are Canada’s house rules: almost no guns. Free healthcare. We will tax you. Abortion is legal except in “Prince Edward Island”. No unnecessary smiling. We invented normcore so dress down. Legal pot and medically assisted suicide are on the way, don’t abuse them.

We have free speech but there’s no call for rudeness. Our current prime minister, Justin Trudeau, said in his funeral oration for his father, Pierre Elliott Trudeau (the Trudeaus are nothing like Bushes, remember that at parties) that his father taught him to show respect to every person. I cried at that, but maybe that’s just me.

We have commissions, tribunals and secretariats to fight racism. We have our own racist shame, our continuing mistreatment of indigenous peoples, so don’t let us act smug.

Buy a plastic snow shovel; if you choose metal, you’re just hauling excess weight. We hate our cable companies, we really really hate them.

We want you because you’re … Americans. You mean well.

Your Statue of Liberty says: “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.”

I say: “Give me your earnest, your middle-incomed, Your prosperous Massachusetts liberals yearning to escape libertarians, The maddened intellectuals of your eroding beach properties.”

Maybe I should set my welcome note to a Cole Porter song:

You’re the top! You’re the speech of freedom,

You’re the top! You’re the Broad Museum,

You’re a Walter White and a Gatsby light by far,

You’re a Springsteen Mary, you’re Ben and Jerry,

You’re Medicare.

I’ll work on the lyrics. But what I’m saying is that we are a multicultural nation and we can absorb your brightest and best. We gave you the great Samantha Bee and John (“private wealth and public squalor”) Kenneth Galbraith, so give us Jon Stewart and Noam Chomsky (we’ll take Calgary-born Cruz back, sorry about that) and we’re square.

But who are we to rub salt in your political wound? We recently recovered from 10 years of rule by a nasty paranoid Conservative named Harper. We’ve since elected a normal, intelligent, kindly human. You, America, will do the same this fall.