Looks Like... Reads Like... Sounds Like... Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie I've just been fired, and bye-bye everybody Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kröest I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet Ah-Oo, that feel' s better and now I need a shit Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea



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Paul Garner, one of CM's associate nutters on the show, would pretend to be a cab driver (or something similar) and present airport tannoy announcers with a piece of paper with some names written on it to read over the PA system. These foreign-looking and unusually spelt names appear innocent enough... until you try to pronounce them! These are some examples - translations are provided in case it's not clear enough!A splendid fellow called Martin Pointon assisted Paul in these gloriously puerile acts. Here's what he had to say about them... "The way the phonetic announcements were done is as follows: We'd go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3, directly under one of the speakers as the roof is low. Put the DAT or tape machine in our bag with the mic poking out of the top. We'd look for a flight that'd arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you'd expect mental names, then write a letter saying "could we go and pick up, etc from flight, etc". This way, it looked like it'd been arranged in advance as the flight arrival details were written on the note. We also wore an ID-style badge and carried a mobile so that we looked like taxi drivers. One of us would get the first read out and then the other do the second. We'd pretend to be unable to pronounce it and then hand them the bit of paper. Long winded, but you've heard the results yourself - well worth it. As you know, we got rumbled doing the "My colleague just, etc". They actually threatened to arrest us as apparently they'd actually had complaints over the previous weeks! We were toying with doing it again just to see what they'd arrest us for, but we rang Chris and all he said was, "go to Gatwick!". This is the reason the last set sound so crap 'cos Gatwick is a much noisier place and the ceilings are high, so it was difficult to get near a speaker. We also went round both terminals as the first reading was rubbish. The lengths we had to go to... This is how they were spelt - it was a long time ago and we never kept the papers, but I'm sure this is how they were spelt...