So you’re finally ready to put your child down. To sleep for the night. But what happens when baby won’t sleep because baby is a willful little creep that takes after his father in all the wrong ways?

Well fortunately, Dr. Dad* is here to give you some hot tips on how to get your pile of sentient mashed potatoes to sleep for the night. Follow our advice and you’ll be getting better sleep than your dumb infant in no time!

Establish a Nighttime Routine

Babies thrive on routines. Turns out, when every god damn thing is new to you, you just want a little something you can understand that you can cling to. A buoy in the choppy, shark-infested seas of childhood.

And routine is that buoy. Dr. Dad likes to start our wind-down routine with an evening cocktail. The sound of the martini shaker helps let Junior Daddy know that bedtime is just around the corner.

Soon the sounds of vodka being poured into a tumbler and ice clinking in a rocks glass will be as familiar and comforting as their favorite stuffy. Cheers to better sleep!

Make Their Crib Feel Welcoming

It’s important that a child’s sleep area is a place that they feel comfortable and safe. To do this, make the area around their crib as foreign and terrifying as you can.

Dr. Dad uses a series of props purchased from an off-season Spirit Halloween to create a nightmarescape of spooks and ooks for Dr. Baby. Now he’s scared to ever leave his crib for fear that the live snakes (non-poisonous only – be safe!) will get him!

Turn Off the Lights and Have Quiet Time Before Bed

Science fact: melatonin, the hormone that induces sleep, is produced at far higher rates in darkness. Turning all the lights low and talking in soft, soothing tones can stimulate melatonin production and help to send the signal that it’s time to wind down.

Dr. Dad likes to kickstart this process through use of a sensory depravation chamber. Dr. Baby hears nothing but the inside of their own mind in one of these babies, for purchase on Amazon for only $14,500.

Make Peace With the Crying

Your baby will cry. Babies cry. That’s, like, their whole deal. So yeah, there will be more tears during this whole sleep training episode.

As the great philosopher and sports agent Jerry Mcgwire put it: “Boo Fucking Hoo.” If the tears start to get to you, then the problem is with you, and probably your lack of alcohol.

Fight Fire With Fire

Sleep training is a process that will take as long as it takes. Dr. Baby and I have been engaged in our sleep training process for eight and a half months now and I think we’re starting to make progress.

Our newest life hack is when he starts screaming, I just scream right back. Sometimes the yelling can last until four or five in the morning, but inevitably one or both of us will give up and collapse, finally able to sleep sweetly through the night.

*Not a doctor