WASHINGTON—Praising bipartisan efforts that prevented a government shutdown ahead of the holiday season, Congress reportedly reached a $1.4 trillion spending deal Tuesday to award the entire budget to one lucky American. “This is going to provide a completely new life for a single and very, very fortunate American,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, explaining that anyone who pays taxes is eligible to win except for employees and family members of those working for the federal government. “We were happy to see both sides step up and make concessions, including the size of the novelty check, who will pull the balls from the raffle drum, and the decision to eliminate the Social Security and Medicare programs. Winners can spend the money on whatever they like, and have the choice between receiving a lump sum or annuity payments of a billion dollars over the next thousand years or so. Second and third place winners will receive a 10-speed bike and $10 Amazon gift certificate respectively.” At press time, sources confirmed that this is only the third time the U.S. government has held such a lottery, which is credited to creating both the Carnegie and Rockefeller fortunes.

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