Relationships, The Ex Factor

Britney Spears Ruined My Relationship

And thank God she did!

Photo by Amazon Music

This is a true story. I start this by saying that because some people might think I’ve embellished or exaggerated, to those people I say: this is a personal essay not a job application or tax returns.

One night I was hanging out with my friends, LeAnne and Christine. We went to dinner and then back to LeAnne’s house. We all have demanding careers, so decided to call it a night. Seeing as I work from home and often don’t put on clothes while I work, I thought to myself, I should just walk home. In NYC. In the middle of the winter.

Now you know why I work naked most of the time is because I can’t be trusted to get dressed. So I started the march from 63rd street to 140th. This was a straight shot, so I was fairly confident that I could do it. I made it to 93rd street before conceding defeat and using my unlimited metrocard. It’s best not to ask why I didn’t start off using that.

As I went down the steps at the 96 street station, there were two cops blocking the stairs. One of them was absolutely gorgeous. I did exactly what you would expect of me. I sent a message to the group text we used. As expected, they encouraged me to hit on him. Shy, demure, little ol’ me. What would I even say to him?

Make Me

“Hey there, I’m lost. Want to take me home?” Yep, that is the line I used. What’s worse? It worked. Doug aka Hot Cop, smiled at me and said something about how charming I was. At first I thought he was being facetious.

He wasn’t. After I missed three trains, we exchanged numbers. That was going to be the end of it though, I was sure. There was no way he was actually going to text me.

Except he did. A lot. We hit it off. My friends were confused by the smile on my face. Even more so, when I announced I had a date with a cop. They thought I meant I had a court appearance or something.

As if!

Born To Make You Happy

Things progressed nicely with him. Because of my proper upbringing, I resisted staying the night with him. I mean we had sex. I’m human after all and he had handcuffs.

But staying the night was strictly off the table. First, he worked nights. Second, staying the night was commitment and we weren’t ready for that. He didn’t even keep Coke in the house. It was like he was an animal. Drank that swill known as Pepsi. Yeah, I went there.

Doug convinced me to stay on one of his nights off by sending me a picture of him buying a 2 liter of Coke, and promising to make me breakfast the next morning. I agreed but only because he said we could watch Cruel Intentions.

We didn’t watch the movie. But his handcuffs were put to good use.

Just Like Me

After just a month of dating, he decided it was time for me to meet the bestie. Since mine lives 500 miles away, he dodged that bullet. Alas, I didn’t.

We met Joe (the bestie) and Tony (Joe’s hubby) at an Italian restaurant. Both men were very friendly and seemed keen on making sure I was happy. Even after I told them I don’t like red wine. It tastes like dry mouth. And if I’m gonna drink dry mouth, then I’d rather have tequila.

The conversation flowed easily. Until the dinner table turned into Hot Topics at The View. Tony asked who my favorite singer was. The answer was as easy as I was when he said he would handcuff me to the bed; my favorite singer is and always has been one Miss Britney Spears.

Joe shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Doug forked another helping of pasta into his mouth. Tony and I looked at one another, and finally he spoke the words that I dreaded: “Doug thinks Britney is talentless. He does not like her.” The world shifted beneath my feet. I looked over at my boyfriend, he avoided eye contact with me. It was like we were having sex again.

The conversation turned to abortion and things went from horrible to hellacious. All three of the men I was having dinner with were pro-life and did not believe in a woman being able to chose what to do with her body. I not-so-calmly explained to the other men why they were wrong. I got up, threw cash down for my dinner, spun on my heel and exited the restaurant.

Doug followed. He didn’t think it was such a big deal. So he had different political beliefs than I did, was it worth throwing away our relationship?

“I can accept you being wrong about abortion, I can show you why you’re wrong. But I will not accept someone who doesn’t appreciate Britney!”