This Monday, Eric Schneiderman resigned as the New York attorney general after four women alleged that he had assaulted them. Two of the women claimed they had been “choked and hit repeatedly by Mr Schneiderman”, while another said she had been “violently slapped across the face”. A fourth woman alleged similar experiences.



In a statement issued on Monday, Schneiderman disputed the allegations, and seemed to imply that what had happened was part of kinky, rough sex: “In the privacy of intimate relationships, I have engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity. I have not assaulted anyone. I have never engaged in nonconsensual sex, which is a line I would not cross.”

As a member of the BDSM community, I think it’s important to clarify the difference between rough sex and assault. In today’s post-50 Shades world, we all know there are many people who enjoy kinky sex and they like being called names or roleplaying. So you can’t judge the difference between rough sex and assault based on the behavior itself. The way you determine the difference is consent.

Consent means you have to talk about something before you do it. You have to find out if someone wants to be spanked before you spank them. It’s not the kind of thing that you can assume someone wants. Because even if someone is kinky, they may not want to do it with you.

So the first step is to get specific agreement that this particular thing sounds hot and sexy and everyone involved wants to give it a try. Kinky people love to talk about what they want to do to each other. That’s our foreplay and we know the anticipation adds to the fun. But talking about what you like to do together is just the beginning.

To give consent, you have to have be informed about what you’re going to do. That means you have to talk about the risks involved so everyone’s on the same page. For example, a slap to the face carries a much higher risk than a slap to the buttocks because you can injure the ear, jaw, eye and other parts of the face. This higher risk means it’s even more important to talk to someone before slapping them in the face, not only to make sure it’s desired, but also to make sure that the risks are understood.

Kinky sex starts with a conversation. We have a saying that if you can’t talk about it, you’re not ready to do it

When it comes to these things that carry a higher risk, even if there is consent, you can be arrested for assault if you seriously hurt someone. That’s why it’s important to learn the skills and techniques involved to make sure you do things as safely as possible. For example, there are ways to do breath play that don’t involve putting your hand around someone’s neck and choking them, which is high-risk behavior.

You also can’t get or give consent to do high-risk things when you’re intoxicated because your judgment is impaired. If you aren’t sober enough to drive, then don’t do it.

One way to tell whether something is consensual or abusive is to ask: can you stop what’s happening? As soon as someone wants to end the activity, it must stop, otherwise it’s assault.

Some people agree to just say “stop” or “no”. Others use a safe word, a unique word that stops the action without having to say no. That’s because it can be hard to say no sometimes, especially when you’re in a stimulated or submissive headspace. One common safe word in BDSM play spaces is “red”, with “yellow” being used as a caution word, meaning you need to pause to adjust something.

True affirmative consent is not asking, “may I touch you here?” then “may I touch you here?” That’s because constant questioning can be coercive. And once someone gets all hot and bothered, they may not be in their right mind to consent. So don’t add things in during the middle that you haven’t talked about already.

Kinky sex starts with a conversation. We have a saying that if you can’t talk about it, you’re not ready to do it. So first, figure out how to talk about what you want to do with your lovers. Anything else is nonconsensual.