Chapter ten

Once lost

The first thing Elsa saw was a pink pillow.

She opened her eyes wider, and registered several other things: more pillows in varying shades of red, a wide open window through which sunlight was streaming, and a frilly lamp on a nightstand.

Gently, someone placed a hand on her shoulder. "Wondered when you were going to get up," a familiar voice said.

"Anna," she said, rolling onto her back and looking at her. Her voice came out low and raspy.

Anna smiled, then quickly tried to hide it. She held out a bowl in front of her. "Soup?"

"Oh. Uh, sure," Elsa said. She pushed herself up into a sitting position, and Anna handed her the bowl and a spoon. "Breakfast?" she asked.

Anna shook her head. "Lunch."

Elsa looked out the window again. The sun was high, and the morning chirping of bluebirds was suspiciously absent.

"Anna, how long was I asleep?" she rasped.

"About ten hours," Anna said matter-of-factly.

"Then how-"

"Of course," she continued, "if you want to add to that the time you spent crying your eyes out in my bed, you'll get a much higher number."

Elsa swallowed. Memories of the previous night now rushed back to her, clear as day.

She turned. "Anna-"

"Eat," Anna commanded. "You barely touched your supper last night, you must be starving."

Elsa wasn't about to disobey her, so she started to eat the soup, a thick white chowder. She was, in fact, quite hungry, and she found the hot soup delicious. But as she thought over Anna's words, Elsa realized something else.

You wouldn't make eye contact with me at dinner. But you were still watching me, still concerned, even when you had every reason to be mad at me.

Jesus Christ, I don't deserve a sister like you.

She ate the soup as fast as she could, keeping her eyes on her sister, searching for any indication as to what she was feeling. Anna sat there, watching her, expressionless. More than once, Elsa burnt her tongue. Each time, she thought she saw a look of sympathy in Anna's eyes, quickly suppressed. Other times, a glare flew across her face, gone as quickly as it had arrived.

She's still upset, Elsa thought. But she's trying to hide it from me. Why?

The answer came quickly. Because she knows you can't take any more. She is willing to suppress her anger to keep you from getting hurt.

Again, Elsa marveled at how considerate her sister was. Why couldn't she be this good?

You tried. Look where that got you.

Finally, her spoon scraped the bottom of the bowl. She set it on the side table, swallowed her last mouthful, and turned to Anna, preparing to speak.

"Don't tell me you're sorry," Anna preempted.

Elsa was taken aback. "What? But…I am," she insisted.

Anna sighed. "You spent six hours crying on my floor, Elsa. I know you're sorry."

"Oh, right. Of course," Elsa said, feeling foolish.

Anna folded her arms, staring at her expectantly. "What I want, Elsa, is a promise."

Elsa understood immediately. "That I won't ever do this to you again." she said.

Anna nodded.

It would be that easy, Elsa realized. If she just made this one promise, everything would be fixed. It still might take a few days longer for Anna to forgive her, but after that, they would go back to how they had been before. And right now, Elsa wanted nothing more than that.

Which made what she knew she had to say even more painful.

"I'm sorry, Anna," she said. "I can't promise you that."

Anna was caught off guard, the surprise finally breaking her emotionless mask.

"I want to," Elsa said quickly, "Believe me, I do. But it won't change anything."

"What do you mean?" Anna said.

"Anna, I never wanted to hurt you in the first place. What I did – it was a mistake, a stupid mistake, and I'll never do it again. That doesn't mean I won't make another mistake that hurts you later. Or maybe you'll do something that hurts me. I don't have any experience with…anything that we've been doing. Neither of us do."

Anna listened to her intently, neither confirming nor denying anything she was saying.

Elsa continued, her voice wavering. "If we go back to doing what we were, one of us will make another mistake in a week or two. We'll just keep screwing up over and over again, and eventually…" She swallowed. "Eventually, Anna, we won't be able to come back from it."

Anna stayed silent for a moment, thinking. Then she sighed. "You're right," she said. "We can't keep going the same way we have been."

Elsa nodded, feeling tears welling up in her eyes.

"So," Anna continued, leaning in towards her, "we're going to have to make some changes."

"Changes?" Elsa repeated, surprised. She had been about to go in a much different direction.

"First of all," Anna began, "no more guessing what it is either of us want. I'll tell you exactly what it is that I want, and you'll do the same. Even if you want to surprise me, make sure that you know exactly how I'd feel about it beforehand. Can you do that?"

Elsa nodded quickly. "Yes," she said.

"Next, no more hiding from each other. If you ever do something that hurts me again, I promise I'll tell you right away. Will you do the same for me?"

"I will," she said.

"Good," Anna said.

She moved even closer, staring right into Elsa's eyes.

"Just one more thing," she said solemnly. "This might be the most important one. Ready?"

Elsa nodded.

"I need to know," Anna said, "that you'll be there for me when I need you. Whenever I need you."

Elsa tried to speak, but Anna held up a hand, silencing her.

"I can't be with you every minute of every day, for the rest of our lives," she continued. "I can accept that. But I need to know that, whenever I need you, there won't be a locked door between us. I need to know that, whenever I ask you to spend some time alone with me, whether it's for a few hours of a few weeks, you'll drop everything and do it for me."

Elsa stared at her sister, wide-eyed. Now, she realized, everything was coming out. The glimpse of Anna's suppressed emotions that she had seen at the play – it was all coming forward, here in one massive wave.

Her voice turned raw and emotional. "I know it's selfish," she said, tears welling in her eyes. "I know I'm asking you to do more for me than any sister could ever be expected to. I don't care. This is what I need from you. If you can't do that for me…"

Finally, she broke down, the tears she had tried to suppress flowing freely. "I'll understand," she managed.

Just watching her cry was agony for Elsa. She opened her arms wide, and Anna willingly collapsed into them, wrapping her arms around Elsa's body.

"Yes," Elsa said. "Yes, I promise I'll be there for you. Whenever you need me, I'll be there. That's a promise!"

Anna, still crying, could only nod.

Elsa wanted to do much more than that. She wanted to hold her in her arms and tell her that everything would be fine from now on. She wanted to make up for every last tear that Anna had shed because of her, to give back each and every one of their lost 15 years.

I will, she told herself. And then however many years I have left after that.

Now, her mind was made up. Every misgiving she had ever had about their future down this road was gone. She knew, now, that she wanted to live the rest of her life as close to Anna as she could be.

Finally, Anna's tears stopped flowing, though she still refused to relax her grip. "Thank you," she whispered into Elsa's shoulder. "Thank you so much, Elsa."

"I love you," Elsa said.

"I love you too," Anna replied.

There was really nothing else to say. For the longest time, they simply lay there in each other's arms.

"Hold on," Elsa said after a while. "You never asked me what I wanted."

"Oh," said Anna, "of course. What do you want?"

"A smile," Elsa said, grinning. "And a kiss."

Anna gave her both in a heartbeat.