Hello. If you weren't already aware, Virginia Tech is preparing to take part in the 2014 college football season, a program record 121st season. If you're new to this site or happily avoided anything I wrote last season, "Foe"Rensics is a preview where we go INSIDE opposing programs to give you all the information you need to be a successful Hokie fan. We don't deal with pedestrian things like what kind of offense they run or who their best players are, we deal with the critical information. Examples: who has weird names on their roster and what made up origin story fits their school best.

1. Who is our first opponent?

A. The College of William and Mary. They are actually a Division I-AA school, but due to the strength of I-AA football in the Commonwealth of Virginia, they, along with Richmond and James Madison, are the only real in-state competition Virginia Tech has.

This is a really stupid way to advertise for a university

2. Tell me a little about them.

A. Contrary to popular belief, William & Mary are not named for the 17th century British monarchs, but actually for the Virgin Mary to recognize the fact that every alum has graduated from William and Mary as a virgin, be that through personal preference or otherwise. Interestingly, the "William" part was added only in 1984 in honor of William Shatner who has absolutely to do with the university or Williamsburg; the University President at the time was, unsurprisingly, just a really big Star Trek fan.

William and Mary was originally founded as the historical equivalent of an online university, selling surveyor licenses and doctorates through the mail across the New World. After realizing they could operate legitimately and be funded from the colony of Virginia through tobacco taxes and the fur trade, they went legit in 1693. Ever since, they have been rather obnoxious about being the oldest public college in the US1. Alumni tend to bounce between crowing about "The Alma Mater of a Nation" and "Oldest Public Ivy", depending on how quickly they want to get punched in the face.

3. Do they play football?

A. Yes! William & Mary have been an up and down team for a while, making the I-AA playoffs three times in the last ten years (advancing to the semifinals twice) and other seasons during that time posting win totals of 5, 4, 3 and 2. It's fascinating to me, but Head Coach Jimmye2 Laycock has been in Williamsburg longer than Frank has been in Blacksburg, entering his 35th season as head coach. Laycock's survival through those 3 and 2 win seasons exemplifies what many Hokies fear; a head coach that has been there so long that those kind of seasons don't get him fired. The expense of hiring movers to haul all the old junk out of his office simply outweigh the benefits of winning.

4. Do they have a fearsome mascot, like a slow moving amphibian or a tropical fish?

A. Indeed. William and Mary have had several mascots historically, including at one point a 17 foot alligator named Cal. While they are known as the Tribe, their actual mascot is a Griffin, a mythical creature that lives in Harry Potter books, In fact, they are currently in an ongoing battle with the NCAA to allow their football team to dress like this:

They wisely decided against the broomsticks, understanding that would only anger Kyshoen Jarrett

5. Do they have players on their football team?

A. It appears that they do. Some of the highlights include safety Keanu Reuben who, based on his age, has parents who clearly saw Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, Point Break and Speed and decided THAT was the guy to name their kid after. The inventor of and namesake of false labor, Braxton Hicks, will line up at defensive end. In addition, landed gentry in Baron3 Goodman will be attempting to keep Dadi from destroying their quarterback.

But remember, this is a humble D I-AA roster. Just some good ol boys, never meanin' no harm. Of course, they aren't all alter boys; some of them have been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. But hey, they're making their way the only way they know how, even if that's just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Really, the only way they're going to run on this defense is if the running back is driving the General Lee. Sadly, Daisy and her shorts are nowhere to be found on the roster.

6. Any Fullers?

A. Nope. The closest they come is a Fullum, who is also from Maryland, just like the Fullers. But, his bio indicates he "enjoys lifting weights and playing video games", in stark contrast to the Fullers who all enjoy being awesome, making demoralizing interceptions and scoring touchdowns.

7. Do they have any good rivalries?

A. Yes, they play Richmond every year to determine who is the best team in Virginia after the Hokies. This is now known as the Capital Cup, a name selected to ensure that attempting to Google this rivalry will only return results for a knockout competition in English soccer. Since you've probably never heard of this rivalry before, the only history I'd like to highlight is that there was such a dearth of good football competition within reasonable distance of Richmond that they used to play twice and sometimes three times a year. The highlight has to be 1905, where they played three times within a month, which included a 0-0 tie and a 4-0 Gryffindor win.

8. That's kind of lame.

A. Yeah.

9. Is that the best they got?

A. No! They also have a fabricated rivalry with Old Dominion, who didn't have a football team until 20094. The two teams have played an annual grudge match for three years, until ODU moved up to Division I-A last month. Now the rivalry is over. BUT, the name of the game was the Battle for the Silver Mace, which totally got me jazzed thinking they were playing for one of these things:

These would also both be AWESOME mascot improvements for them

Sadly, it turns out they are actually playing for a replica of the Norfolk Mace, which is incredibly lame and stupid.

That isn't even a weapon! At least, not a very effective one.

10. Okay, I'm not impressed with any of this so far. Do they have any good alumni, so I can judge them as a school?

A. Unlike UNC and their pathetic clinging to James K. Polk, William and Mary boast THREE U.S. Presidents as alum; James Monroe, John Tyler and, to their eternal shame, Thomas Jefferson, who learned his money management skills there. In fact, doubling down on their disreputable past, they have an entire campaign attempting to claim the term of "Thomas Jefferson's College", trying to rival LOLUVA for being just the absolute worst.

11. Please stop before I throw up on my keyboard.

A. Okay, moving on. They've got Bill Lawrence, the guy who created Scrubs and Glenn Close, the scariest mistress in the history of the world, both solid. On the other hand, they also saddled us with Perry Ellis, Patton Oswalt and Seven Mary Three. As far as I can tell, still no one that sent people into space so all in all this is a negative.

12. Where should I eat while I'm there?

A. I'm here to help! I have actually eaten in Williamsburg before! The Cracker Barrel is quite nice. Of course, please don't actually go to Williamsburg this weekend, as the Gryffindors will be playing football in Blacksburg. But, if you do and you aren't down with fried okra and chicken fried steak, according to Google the best place to eat there is >The Chef's Kitchen. Let's read a review! Perhaps the most thorough comes from Todd S. of Redmond, WA via Yelp. Here are the highlights:

Delicious croutons. I thought the soup needed a touch more salt, but my parents were happy with the salt level. That toasted pecan vinaigrette...daaaamn! Jesus Christ in a chicken basket. I licked my plate clean. Seriously.

Okay, I'm not comfortable with Todd's sanitary habits or his desire to eat divinity, but I DO value his salt and crouton opinions. He's never led me wrong on croutons before. Let's see what else he has to say.

I do not like corn bread.

Okay, screw this guy, WHO DOESN'T LIKE CORNBREAD?! EVIL PEOPLE, THAT'S WHO. What the actual hell is wrong with this guy?

13. Holy hell, he DOESN'T LIKE CORNBREAD?! Next thing you're going to say is he doesn't like barbecue. OH, great segue, where should I eat barbecue?

A. The consensus seems to be Pierce's PITT Bar-B-Que, although there was a wide disparity in the reviews, from 1 stars that impugned barbecue in the entire state of Virginia to 5 stars that impugned the 1 star reviewers as "jealous competitors". The highlight, however, was from A Google User, who wrote:

Great Food it taste. Like. Hevan best bbq in Virginia

This revuw. clearli was ritten bi a almnui Of. loluva or willum And mary

My only concern is that the name of the restaurant is Pierce's PITT Bar-B-Que. Does this signify some hidden and completely illogical allegiance to the school of Walt Harris and Dave Wannstedt? Is this secretly SPILLY'S RESTAURANT? Thankfully, it turns out it was down to a misspelling by the original signmaker, also a graduate of willum And mary.

14. Crowd sourced restaurant reviews at their finest. Back to football. Last year Logan Thomas had a publicly stated goal of throwing no more than five interceptions. Does Michael Brewer have something similar we should be tracking?

A. That's a great question. While Thomas was upfront about his measure of success despite his supporting cast, Brewer has the advantage of an (anticipated) improvement in the running game and an upgraded receiving corps that includes Isaiah Ford who is apparently going to catch 200 passes and 46 touchdowns per game, according to the internet. Brewer has yet to make any such public pronouncements.

On the flip side, there is one less Fuller patrolling the secondary to improve the FAINT count, which you may recall stands for Fuller Adjusted INTerceptions. While we could only speculate last season, intensive offseason research has revealed that Brandon Facyson is, in fact, a distant Fuller cousin and therefore any interceptions he pulls down will be included in the FAINT. That being said, I think it's reasonable to set a FAINT goal of -2. Any disagreements? Excellent!

15. Are we going to track the RAGE MATCH this year?

A. Ah, yes, the old Rage Match. After Dadi played like a man possessed against Pitt, we instituted the weekly Rage Match to determine who on the defensive line played most like one of Coach Foster's ideals for the position, a gorilla. We'll be closely watching the group this year, as Dadi, Maddy, Corey Marshall and the Kannibal are all expected to wreak havoc on a weekly basis.

16. Excellent. Finally, what will you be watching for this week?

A. Aside from if Jim-Yay! is as peppy as his name implies:

If William and Mary are even willing to attempt a pass against this secondary. I sure as hell wouldn't.

How much Ronny Vandyke plays or if Whip is going to continue to die its slow and painful death

William and Mary's defense is supposed to be a bunch of hosses. Let's see how our offensive line performs against them.

Who the hell will actually start at running back and how many Shane Beamer is actually going to play. I mean, at this point I'm expecting him to be pulling dudes wearing Ryan MF Williams jerseys out of the stands in the second half to be able to keep rotating.

Who even cares, FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!!

Alright, that's it for the Gryffindors, we'll be back next week to take a look at an Ohio State University!

1This is a disputed claim, as they are the oldest university in the US that is now public. They were private until 1906 when their inability to manage their finances forced them onto the public dime

2Not a typo. It's pronounced "Jim-Yay!"

3The best they could do was a Baron? It feels like every team we played last year had at least a Marquis.

4Okay, they apparently used to have a team back in the day, who accidentally played Miami in 1932 when they mailed an invitation to William and Mary to the wrong place