Sex is a troublesome issue and, when left to the uninitiated, can get really quite messy indeed. Fear not, for the Glamourless team is here to help. Over the years, most of our staff (with the exception of this one) have seen any number of male members (they really aren’t shy).

As the only trained physician, however, they asked me to write down everything I felt a newcomer should know before facing a penis down. Here, then, is everything I learnt at medical school.

They have names

To help a man distinguish his thoughts from those emanating down below, they often name their penises. Names can range from the plain to the ridiculous, depending on the nature of relationship the penis shares with its owner. Either way, be sure to address it politely when you first speak to it, otherwise it might jab you in the eye. Find out what it’s social status is beforehand. Is it a Dr Reginald Arthurs, Mr Reg Arthurs, or just plain Reg? First impressions are important.

Sometimes there are more than one of them…

…in which case, you are facing many penises, rather than a number of penii. On occasion, you may be surrounded by four or five penes, but that’s only if they’re posh cocks who’ve studied Latin.

They may have been ordained

When roaming in packs, men can often be heard referring to the Purple Bishop. While many of them are most likely bragging, a handful of their handfuls may actually be members of the clergy. Throughout the centuries, many penises have started small and then risen in the church, and – on a number occasions – pricks have even become popes.

‘Throughout the centuries, many penises have started small and then risen in the church’ tweet

They are sensitive souls

Penes have ears. Talk to them about battles and conquests past and they will rise proudly, basking in their own sense of worth. Laugh at them, on the other hand, and they will shrivel and cower. And then where will you be?

Size does matter

They’re weighed by the pound, so size really does make a difference. If you’re only cooking for one, consider a micro penis. It may not go as far, but it can really spice things up when dressed properly.

If you have any questions you’d like Dr Agnes Pain to answer for you, leave them in the comments section below. We’ll do what we can, although please understand, we can only do so much.