Say hi to Banana and Mike.

Leslie K. asked me to write a story about Mike Green‘s cat, Banana. This will be difficult because:

I didn’t know Mike Green had a cat. I definitely didn’t know Mike Green had a cat named Banana. Mike Green and I don’t chat much about cats. We don’t chat much about anything because I’m a blogger and Mike Green plays for Detroit. I’m actually pretty lazy.

Whatever. I’m up to the challenge. Let’s go.

Mike Green, who has hand tattoos, also has a cat. The cat does not have hands and therefore does not have hand tattoos, although she/he might have paw tattoos, but I think that’s rather unlikely so I’m going to go out on a limb (much like a cat would do!) and say no to the whole cat paw tattoo thing, which you probably shouldn’t have brought up in the first place.

I’m one paragraph in and I already need to make a correction: Mike Green, who has hand tattoos, actually has two cats. One cat is named Gary, and he’s a stupid tabbycat and not the subject of this essay, so let’s just move the f on.

Not this cat. This cat is Gary. Gary sucks.

The other cat is Banana, and Banana is terrific. This is Banana.

Best cat.

Banana is a ragdoll, which is a breed of cat that came about around fifty years ago thanks to a lady named Ann Baker. Now I’m gonna stop you right there, because there’s a limit to how much research I’m gonna do for these essays, but I found this line on a web page and I need you to see it right this minute:

Ann Baker discovered that [her cat] Josephine had been a subject of genetic experiment secretly carried out by [sic] the then US government.

Um, is Mike Green’s cat part of the Weapon Plus program? There’s a better than even chance that Banana has an adamantium-laced skeleton; I cannot confirm this as of press time. But, yeah, some people really think ragdolls like Banana are secret government agent cats.

Back in 1960-whatever, that Ann Baker lady found a cat named Josephine. Josephine got hit by a car and wrecked her pelvis, but then somehow recovered and had beautiful kittens. Those kittens, called ragdolls, were super flopsy and mellow, so obviously their mother must have been a mutie freak genejoke who was spliced with skunks or aliens or alien skunks, unlike all those other lame flatscan cats. Like Gary. Ugh, just go away and lick yourself, Gary.

Or maybe Ann Baker was just a self-promoting charlatan who found a neat cat and bred it. Let’s go with that.

Hey, remember when Mike Green’s neighbor’s kids baked him banana bread and his CAT’S NAME IS BANANA?! Well, no you don’t, because it was actually pumpkin bread. That correction was a scandal at RMNB that reverberates to this day. That story is why Brian Williams doesn’t get a byline here anymore.

So anyway, here’s what I imagine Banana’s day is like.

12:00 AM – 5:44 AM: Sleep the perfect sleep of a rich cat.

Sleep the perfect sleep of a rich cat. 5:45 AM: Awake to master’s alarm, which is probably an Avenged Sevenfold song.

Awake to master’s alarm, which is probably an Avenged Sevenfold song. 5:46 AM : Resume sleep as master probably makes a kale smoothie.

: Resume sleep as master probably makes a kale smoothie. 7:23 AM: A dainty piddle in the litter, return to nap, preferably in the morning sunlight beaming on a Hand-tufted Lawrence Beige Kashan Wool Rug.

A dainty piddle in the litter, return to nap, preferably in the morning sunlight beaming on a Hand-tufted Lawrence Beige Kashan Wool Rug. 8:10 AM: Dad leaves for practice.

Dad leaves for practice. 11:00 AM: Hot topics on The View.

Hot topics on The View. 11:01 AM – 6:01 PM: Dad left the Good Charlotte Pandora station on.

Dad left the Good Charlotte Pandora station on. 6:30 PM : Nom down on some Blue Buffalo Wild Delights Canned Chicken and Turkey.

: Nom down on some Blue Buffalo Wild Delights Canned Chicken and Turkey. 6:35 PM – 8:59 PM: Almost kill a bunch of birds and mice and stuff, but pull up at the last second, following dad’s example.

Almost kill a bunch of birds and mice and stuff, but pull up at the last second, following dad’s example. 9:00 PM: Curl up with Gary and the master to watch reality TV. The Bachelorette or DWTS usually.

Curl up with Gary and the master to watch reality TV. The Bachelorette or DWTS usually. 9: 05 PM: Bedtime.

Man, this is a great article.

Final note: Mike did not reply to the tweet below, but RMNB’s Rachel Cohen is convinced that Banana is a ladycat. That’s good enough for me.

@GreenLife52 Important question: Is Banana a boy or a girl? — Good Tweet Pete 🌮 (@peterhassett) August 5, 2015

Thanks for reading another Making RMNB Last essay. Sucker.