Well, it seems like love is in the air around here lately.

I don’t think any of us were too surprised when we saw Zayne’s relationship status on Facebook suddenly switch from “Single” to “In a Relationship” a few weeks ago… With Hope, of course. Who else? We were all so happy for him — even without ever meeting her in person, I can tell she’s so good for him. The way he talks about her is proof enough of that.

And Clara stopped by the other day with some exciting news — Coleen proposed! (And, of course, River said yes) Looks like we’ll have another wedding to start planning! Clara’s so excited, and she’s already made me promise to give her some ‘mother of the bride’ tips… as if I’m an expert or something!

Admittedly, we’re still in between productions at the theater, so I have had a lot of free time to spend with Charlie helping her get ready for the wedding. I can’t believe how close we’re getting… It feels like only yesterday she was telling me Ben proposed, and now we’re less than four months away from the big day.

They finally picked out their invitations and ordered their wedding bands last week. And the other day, after months and months of indecision and panicking, Charlie finally figured out what to do about her dress. It was pretty surprising for all of us.

She sat down with me, Maman, and Oma, and asked if she could wear Oma’s wedding dress. She said that dress led to over fifty happy years of marriage, and she’s hoping some of the luck will rub off on her and Ben.

Oma was so touched. She couldn’t stop crying. I think it really meant a lot to her, especially after losing Opa. It’ll need a lot of alterations, but she doesn’t mind. It was a really beautiful moment.

It wasn’t until later that I let a little bit of the sadness sink in. Ever since Mark’s birthday, these moments have been sneaking up on me when I least expect it. And unfortunately the other night was no exception. I just couldn’t help it – the more I thought about it, the more depressed I felt.

It’s like Charlie said: Oma spent over fifty years of her life with Opa. They had a beautiful marriage – a promise of a lifetime together. And now with any luck, my little girl will be blessed enough to have that too.

And it just kills me to know that Mark and I never will.

I kept telling myself I could get over feeling this way… But I just can’t. I really, really can’t. It feels like everywhere I turn, there’s some reminder of how much time Mark and I wasted, or how little we have left.

Seeing Oma still grieving for Opa is hard enough. But what makes it even worse is Onkel Stefan. He makes all these comments about wishing he and aunt Madalyn had moved back to Windenburg sooner. He keeps talking about “making up for lost time”… And every time he does, it’s just a cruel reminder of all that time I lost. Time I can never make up, no matter how much I wish I could.

When I was a little girl, I always used to dream I’d get married to the love of my life. Have a family with him. But Mark and I never got that chance. And who knows? After the girls were born, when Elliot and I broke up, maybe Mark and I could have made it work. Maybe instead of running away after Luc and Hazel’s wedding, I could fought harder to be with Mark. Maybe I could have stayed.

But I didn’t.

And even when we finally got back together after all those wasted years, we could never have any of those things we dreamed of. Children were out of the question at that point. And marriage… We just couldn’t. Not with Zayne. Being together has made things complicated enough. But being married?

We both agreed it was better this way. And it never really bothered me until now. I’m not sure what changed. But seeing Oma deal with losing Opa, and looking forward to my Charlie getting married… It’s just brought up all these horrible feelings. Ones I didn’t even know I had.

I just wish I knew how to make them go away.