Schools could save money, turn out happier pupils and improve education. All they need to do is ignore politicians and follow my simple tips

There is a certain irony in the announcement that schools are to start trialling “happiness lessons” for eight-year-olds. It’s a bit like Vlad the Impaler instituting pain-management courses. Because although children are raw to all the inevitable human sources of suffering – disappointment, injustice, unkindness, etc – one of the main sources of unhappiness for children are schools themselves.

Certainly when I was being educated – at least at secondary level – I loathed school. The lessons were almost without exception boring, repetitive and pointless. I am sure things have improved. But not that much.

School nowadays is hard work. My 14-year-old daughter is diligent, enthusiastic and smart, but even she finds her workload hard to bear. Doubtless this is good for supplying the workforce, and for making politicians feel better about our relative competitiveness with Singapore or whatever the paradigmatic robo-hub of education is this week. But it is not conducive to pupils’ happiness – particularly if you know, as in many deprived parts of England, that the education grinder won’t get you anywhere except into the local call centre.

Any subject can be fun – with a great teacher. Unfortunately, “great” is going to be the exception – as it is in all professions – especially given that most teachers are horribly unrewarded and massively overworked.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Schools could be made better while saving money, improving teachers’ pay and reducing their stress levels, as well as enabling pupils to be happier and achieve a higher standard of education than we have now (although possibly not better qualifications, which is a different matter entirely).

First, I would ban all homework until the age of 14. The idea of farming out education to parents is not only misguided, but there is also no evidence that it works. And it makes parents and children unhappy. Second, I would change the school hours to 10am-5pm rather than 8.30am-3.30pm. This is because getting up too early in the morning sucks, and it makes you feel tired for the rest of the day.

Third, I would provide facilities for children to take naps in the early afternoon. There is a lot of evidence that a siesta helps learning. When I was a teenager, I was always exhausted come the afternoon, and, in perfect training for a world of work, spent most of my time pretending to pay attention. I would increase arts teaching, simply because it is fun, and I would also hugely increase participation in sport and exercise – not only to keep kids fit, but also to give them enjoyment and to let those who are not good academically have the chance to shine elsewhere.

Finally, we need to get rid of most of the teachers. How? Virtual education. The idea is simple and to some extent exists already. Teachers could retrain as “facilitators” who simply attend while children watch videos – interactive or with conferencing – of the best teachers in the world, those few special people who can make even oxbow lakes and logarithms interesting. At the end of the lessons, the facilitators could answer questions from pupils and lead discussion groups. At a stroke, the cost of teaching would be massively reduced, and the levels of interest and engagement raised.

Happiness will not be achieved for children by, as the trial suggests, teaching them that disturbing thoughts should be thought of as “buses” that will move away. Because the buses always come back. Because it is a world of buses, buses that are noisy, tiresome and mostly go nowhere. The real trick is to get rid of the buses.

It is a shame there are so many vested interests and politicians with the imaginations of chalkdust involved in running things.

@timlottwriter