I want privacy because I break the law

To the police and future employers:

I don’t really do illegal things. I’m actually a pretty top notch guy. Some of the stories in the article may be embellished/fabricated. I do have to say that, right?

Bruce Schneier is one of the greatest minds of our time. Schneier on Security, is a collection of some of his best essays from 2002 to 2008 and has really shaped my thinking towards privacy and security. (Also available, at a higher price but personally signed, from his own website).

Back in December he posted this in response to Eric Schmidt’s (CEO of Google) claim that:

If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. If you really need that kind of privacy, the reality is that search engines – including Google – do retain this information for some time…

I’ve thought about Schneier’s response (that people want privacy for a whole host of reasons, like when we make love, sing in the shower, and do things that are totally legal at the time of law) for some time now and I have come to this conclusion:

Yes. I do want privacy for those reasons. I do not want people knowing when I search for “smelly foot rash” or, even worse, “why do women cheat on good men”. These are embarrassing or very emotionally painful subjects that I don’t want anyone to know about. Say there is only a 0.1% chance that in the next year Google’s servers have a search history leak (between all their sharing of data back and forth with the US government). If it does happen, my searches will forever be available for people to find. I’m always logged into my Gmail account, so my coworkers wouldn’t even need to know my IP. All they would have to do is search “[my email] google search history leak” or possibly just my full name.

But that isn’t everything. I want privacy because I break the law and I don’t want to be fined or thrown in prison. No, I’ve never done or dealt illegal drugs. No, I don’t jack cars or commuter bikes. But I do break the law. Probably every day. Some things are minor: 12 km/h over the limit, parking for 2 seconds to drop something off when the sign clearly says “parking after 8 pm only.” Some things are major: keyloggers and password dictionary attacks while the Grade 11 English teacher was out of the room.

(Sidenote: My friends and I were stupid in high school. We never got caught with our hackety, crackity shenanigans and we I never changed my grades. But it was still stupid. I also understand the hilarity of blogging about privacy after installing keyloggers on highschool computers and dict forcing teachers email passwords. At least I have the I-was-an-idiot-teenager excuse, unlike some major corporations.)

What about not even knowing about breaking the law? Let me ask you this: Have you ever committed a felony? Before you answer, have you read through and understood the millions of laws you must abide by? If not, your truest answer to the original question would be “I hope I haven’t committed a felony, and if I have, I hope nobody finds out because I don’t want to go to prison. I’m basically a good person and I don’t deserve to be financially ruined and separated from my family.”

Check out this lovely law that Prof. Duane shared with the class. (square brackets and bold emphasis mine, italics emphasis source)

It is unlawful for any person to import, export, transport, sell, receive, acquire, possess, or purchase any fish, wildlife, or plant taken, possessed, transported, or sold in violation of any Federal, State, foreign [!?], or Indian tribal law, treaty, or regulation. … Criminal penalties fall into two categories. For a felony offense, a maximum $250,000 fine per individual and $500,000 per organization, and/or up to 5 years imprisonment for each violation of the Act can be assessed. A misdemeanor offense carries a maximum $100,000 fine per individual and $200,000 per organization, and/or up to 1 year imprisonment.

Now I’m not an attorney, so I’m hoping I’m reading this wrong, but to me (and my completely limited knowledge of the law) this is a technically possible scenario:

You buy a lemon for Ceasars at home with some friends. Unfortunately, last week Russia declared it illegal to possess lemons due to new Russian research that the rest of the world thinks is crazy. A Google search you made tipped off your local American authorities that you are breaking 16 USC 3370. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. Instead go to prison for 1 to 5 years after laying out up to $250k on a fine, unless you get an understanding judge.

Remember: Absent knowledge of the law is NOT exemption from the law. You are required to know and follow all the laws in your country, provice/state, county/region, municipality/city. The government never really tells you that this is physically impossible. I couldn’t possibly read laws as fast as legislature or consul write them, let alone catch up on centuries of already written laws and judicial interpretation.

Getting back to knowingly breaking the law. My mom had surgery a couple years back and ran out of Tylenol 3s (T3s are basically a small dosage of codeine with caffeine). Because I’ve had excruciatingly painful bi-yearly migraines since I hit adolescence I have an unlimited, legal supply of T3s. Personal use only, of course. But even though it was illegal, did I give my mom two or three T3s to keep her pain down until she could get her bottle refilled the next morning? You bet. I didn’t even blink. Was I trafficking narcotics (or whatever giving prescription drugs to other people is called)? You would have to ask a Canadian judge and jury that.

But luckily for me big brother doesn’t have a log of me giving my mom a couple pain killers.

This is why I want privacy. I break the law. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for stupid reasons. Now, I rarely knowingly break big laws, but I’m sure it has happened a couple of times. Have I ruined anyone’s life? No. Have I destroyed anyone’s wealth? No. Do I breach others privacy? Not since I was an idiot kid.

Then stop snooping. Leave me the hell alone. Maybe if I’m doing something online that I don’t want anyone to find out I should do it anyway, safe in the knowledge that I live in a free country and that my right to privacy is assured - unless I do something that gives the police enough evidence for a judge signed warrant.