(See the end of the chapter for more notes .)

We've come to the end! It's been a wild, if short, journey. Thank you all for taking it with me :)

Chapter Text

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Draco is in front of the camera. He looks exhausted.)

Draco: (rubbing his hands on his face) Okay. So, the thing about Blaise’s dad is… (says slowly, and rather matter of factly) I can’t stand him.

(cuts to Karamo chatting to Draco at a mile a minute)

Karamo: And I just feel like we could both be missing out on a big opportunity here. And even though I wasn’t there for the first seventeen years of his life, I don’t want to see him become the sort of man who closes himself off from the world. I know there’s a good, kind, strong, brave man underneath that hard exterior and I can’t wait to meet him. And I think we both have been given a gift here. To begin again! I want to be there for that. I want to see him open up and embrace his vulnerable side so people can see the real Blaise. At the end of the day, it’s about connecting with another person, and I think that’s something we can all work on. I just want him to know that it’s not a sign of weakness when a man is vulnerable. It’s a sign of strength. I just hope he knows that who he is, is so phenomenal, and I just want to inspire him to be his authentic self.

(Draco hasn’t spoken in ages. He is extremely still, as though he’s afraid to make any sudden movements. His eyes are wide and he hasn’t blinked in ages.)

(cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: All I did was ask him if he thought Granger would prefer roses or daisies.

(cut to Jonathan kissing Hagrid on both cheeks in greeting)

Jonathan (hereinafter, JVN…don’t know why it took me this long to do this): Hi, booby! How are you?

Hagrid: (awkwardly) I’m alright.

(cuts to Hagrid in front of camera)

Hagrid: I’m a bit nervous about this to be honest.

(cuts to JVN in front of camera)

JVN: So, Baby Haggy is strugs to func. He is giving me so much yeti realness, and as much as I love a beard… (his face freezes in a series of head nods, his eyes widening as though he’s frightened of something) It needs to go.

(cuts to JVN playing with Hagrid’s hair while he sits in a chair in a fancy salon in Edinburgh)

JVN: Okay. So. You are like…such a sexy beast. And it’s killing me that I can’t see your gorgeous face. So, I totally don’t want to freak you out, but I’mgonnacutoffyourbeard, okay?

Hagrid: Uh. What was that?

JVN: Gorgeous!

(cuts to Hermione stomping over to Draco in the Great Hall)

Hermione: MALFOY!

Draco: (smiles brightly at her as she approaches) Granger. You look lovely this morning. I want to say…(squints at her) third day hair?

Hermione: (shoves a paper at his chest) What is this?????

Draco: (holds paper up and reads it. When he is finished, he looks at her.) I thought you’d be pleased.

Hermione: I… that isn’t…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT, FERRET???

Blaise: (snickering)

Hermione: Shut the fuck up, Zabini! If I want your opinion I’ll smack it out of you.

Blaise: (eyes widening, returns his attention to his meal. Mutters under breath) And Draco finds that arousing?

Hermione: (attention back on Draco) Do you think you can just donate a little money to Spew and I’ll fall into bed with you?

Draco: (clears his throat and sets his knife and fork politely on his plate) One, it’s not Spew. It’s S.P.E.W., as you’ve said yourself a million times.

Hermione: (reddening) I know what it’s called, Malf—

Draco: And two, it’s not a little money. It’s five million Galleons. I was under the impression that nonprofit organizations relied on donations. Am I wrong in that supposition?

Hermione: (opens mouth but is at a loss) I….

Draco: And as the head of nonprofit organization, I assumed you cared enough about your cause not to turn away donations, no matter the source.

Hermione: But…that’s just…you’re just trying to—

(cuts to Hermione, seething in front of the camera)

Hermione: Malfoy is just…he’s…he can’t just…(looks at letter and mouths the words “five million Galleons”) I can’t even…(opens mouth and closes it several times) (cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: (smugly) She wants me.

(cuts to JVN cutting Hagrid’s hair. Hagrid’s beard is mostly gone, but JVN has left a shadow in a strategic pattern designed to accentuate his bone structure and jaw line)

JVN: So, in the morning, before you throw that ratty old mole skin coat on, I just want you to like, take a moment, and I’m not going to give you a haircut that you need to like do a LOT of stuff tooooo, BUT, I don’t want you to be afraid of a little zhuzh. Embrace the zhuzh. The zhuzh is your friend.

Hagrid: Okay.

JVN: (gasps) Ohmygawd, look how attractive you are! I just can’t even, hunny. You have such a cute little face. Like, you’re making my genitals flutter right now. I just want to tie you down and feed you soup.

Hagrid: Okay.

(cuts to Karamo approaching Luna at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. She is petting a thestral. Karamo, of course, cannot see it, so he’s not really sure what’s going on.)

Karamo: Luna?

Luna: (turns to look at him) Oh, hello Karamo Brown. You’re Blaise Zabini’s long lost father. I like your bald head.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: (jaw agape) Uhhhhhhh…

(cuts to Karamo in the Forest with Luna)

Luna: I’ve always wondered whether Muggles see nargles too. There are several following you around. I think they’re drawn to your positive personality and your charisma.

Karmao: (eyes narrowing as he tries to figure her out) Thank you.

Luna: Oh, don’t thank me. Once the nargles start to mate, you may experience severe brain trauma and nosebleeds.

Karamo: I’ll…keep that in mind. So, I’m here because I wanted to see if—

Luna: Your son has a crush on me and he doesn’t like you. So, you’re here to see if you get him to like you by setting the two of us up.

Karamo: (blinks) That’s…exactly right.

Luna: That would be nice. Blaise Zabini has a very nice collarbone. I’ve always been partial to collarbones. And kneecaps. I’ve never seen Blaise Zabini’s kneecaps. But from his height and posture, I can imagine them to be quite lovely. What do your kneecaps look like? Perhaps it’s genetic.

(cuts to Karamo in front of camera) Karamo: (mouth open for a long moment before he blurts out) WHAT THE F**K????

(cuts to JVN knocking on Hagrid’s door, his arm linked with Hagrid’s. Hagrid smiles shyly, pleased with his new look, his hair having been cut in a horrendously trendy high fade with a loose pompadour on top. He looks like a grandfather hipster giant.)

Tan: (opens door and gasps) You look SOOOO GOOOOOOOD!

(Fang barks in background, having absolutely no idea who Hagrid is)

Tan: (rolls eyes, unable to hide his distaste for dogs) Come on in, Hagrid. See your new home.

JVN: Where’s Bobby? And like…everyone else?

Tan: Antoni’s with his new boyfriend, Karamo forgot he was supposed to be doing the show and got caught up in family drama and helping that little blonde lesbian get with the girl you made over, and Bobby’s in the back with (holds hand to mouth so Hagrid can’t read his lips) a special surprise!

(They all enter the home and Hagrid gasps)

Hagrid: …Wow. I didn’t even know there was brick in the walls. (motions at the exposed brick)

Tan: Oh, there wasn’t. Bobby just likes exposed brick, so he added it.

Bobby: (emerges) You like?

Hagrid: It’s…wow.

Bobby: (taking him by the arm and guiding him through) So, I painted these beams in the ceiling black, because it opens the room up or something. And I always like to use a glass table because it makes the space look bigger, I guess. I just want this to be a space that functions for you.

(The hut looks like a young, professional Manhattanite’s West Village loft. Bauhaus furnishings grace every surface. Track lighting is placed strategically throughout to give the space a warm, expensive-looking glow. Rustic, yet bright-colored accents are everywhere. Bobby seems to have tripled the size of the hut.)

Hagrid: I can’t even believe this is the same place.

(cuts to Bobby in front of camera)

Bobby: Yeah, it’s not. Hagrid lived in a gopher hole before, so I just rebuilt his house completely.

(cuts to Karamo walking up to Blaise as he’s walking through the halls)

Karamo: Blaise, my man!

Blaise: (rolls eyes) F**k.

Karamo: So, you need to go back to your dorm and get ready, because…you have a date.

Blaise: (drops his book bag) I what?

Karamo: With Luna. I could tell you liked her, so I fixed it.

Blaise: You…how?

Karamo: Don’t worry about it. Let me do this for you.

Blaise: I…really? You’re not shittin’ me.

Karamo: One, language. And two, absolutely not. Luna’s into it. You’re a lucky man. I really like Luna.

(cuts to Karamo in front of camera)

Karamo: I don’t like Luna.

(cuts to Blaise, flabbergasted by the fact that he’s got a date with the girl he likes)

Blaise: I…don’t know what to say. You just…went behind my back and interfered in my life to manipulate me into having a relationship with you. (shakes head) You really are my father.

(cuts to Hagrid in his house)

Hagrid: Thank you, Bobby. (picks him up and hugs him. We hear a crack in Bobby’s back)

Bobby: (gasping for air) Don’t mention it. (composes himself) I have one more surprise for you, Hagrid.

Hagrid: What is it?

(Madame Maxime comes out from around the corner.)

MM: Bonjour, ‘agrid.

Hagrid: Olympe! (He goes to her, taking her hand) You came back.

MM: Zat annoying leeeetle Potter boy wrote to me. (Smiles widely at him) You look very handsome, ‘agrid.

Hagrid: (blushes) Well, I…I did it for you, Olympe.

(Cut to Bobby, Tan, and JVN in front of the camera)

All three of them: (holding in a Squee, eyes bursting, trembling with the desire to emote)

(cuts to the cabin)

Olympe: Oh, ‘agrid. (Throws arms around his neck and kisses him)

(Camera bleeps out because we don’t really want to see that. Hashtag, no offense, all love is beautiful, but ew.)

(cuts to JVN, Tan, and Bobby sitting in front of the camera)

JVN: Olympe is adorbs. She reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.

Tan and Bobby: (gasp)

Tan: Your what?

JVN: Oh, yeah. I’m like majorly bisexual. Like…vaginas are beautiful and I totally love them.

(Bobby and Tan look at each other.)

Both: WHAT????

JVN: (shrugs) How did you guys not know that? I know everything about you. (holds up Hagrid’s mole skin coat) So, this is kind of growing on me. I kind of sort of stole it. (holds it up to him) How many moles do you guys think had to die for this jacket to exist?

Bobby: Hold up. Go back to the part where you like f**king women.

(cuts to Hermione walking through the castle. She pauses when she stumbles across Ron leaning against a wall, flirting with Lavender Brown. She has recently gotten subtle highlights in her hair.)

Ron: (touches her hair) I like the blonde. It really suits you. Brings out your eyes. I tend to notice these things.

Hermione: (fuming) Are you serious??? (Joan Jett’s “Bad Reputation” cues in background. I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation!!!) Avis!!!! (birds fly out of her wand and attack Ron)

(cuts to Ron, covered in cuts)

Ron: Seriously, what is her problem lately? She gets her teeth fixed and suddenly everything I do gets on her nerves.

(cuts to Hermione)

Hermione: Fuck him. Seriously. I’m done. I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to notice me. (rolls eyes) There’s got to be a guy out there who sees me as a girl.

(cuts to Draco walking up to her in the library)

Draco: Heard what you did to Weasley. Can I just say, that was a really impressive bit of magic you—

Hermione: I remain uninterested, Malfoy.

Draco: (pouts) What? Why?

Hermione: (sighs) Because you’ve been cruel to me my entire life and the only reason you like me now is because I got a makeover.

Draco: (opens mouth several times) That’s…not true.

(cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: Wait a minute, is that true?

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: Jonathan actually had some great advice for me earlier.

(cuts to JVN, styling her hair) JVN: So, like, Karamo would tell you that you should follow your heart or whatever. But I’m gonna tell you right now, hunny, that if the boy you like doesn’t see what’s right in front of him, do not waste your time with that shit. Little Baby Draco obviously wants to stick it to you, so at the very least you can let him buy you stuff and give you a bunch of orgasms.

(cuts to Hermione in library)

Hermione: Guess you’ll just have to try harder, Malfoy.

(cuts to Draco in front of camera.)

Draco: She’s playing me. (shakes head in awe) She may be the perfect woman.

(cuts to Tan and Bobby gaping at JVN)

JVN: And that’s the third easiest way to make a woman come. Now . The G-spot. It’s actually misleading to call it a spot because it’s actually—

Tan: I’m sorry. This is seriously whack . How is this possible?

JVN: (shrugs. Continues to admire the moleskin coat against his skin tone) There’s lots of things you guys don’t know about me.

(cuts to Harry putting the moves on Ginny. JVN pops out behind a bush)

JVN: (gasps) Oh, Hinny! YAAASSS QUEEN!!!!!!!!!

Harry: (squints) Sirius? You’re alive?

JVN: (puts sunglasses on and disappears back into bush)

(Karamo and Blaise talk animatedly, walking down the corridor. They both stop when they hear a noise in a nearby broom cupboard)

Blaise: What the…? (opens it)

(Hermione and Draco are locked in a heated embrace. Hermione’s shirt and jumper are lying in a heap on the ground, leaving her in just her bra. Draco’s tie is gone and his shirt is completely unbuttoned. They’re both flushed. They leap apart when the door opens.)

Hermione: (gasps) Malfoy, get away from me! (slaps him, Accios her shirt and jumper, and storms off)

Draco: (gobsmacked) I’m going to marry the fuck out of that woman some day.

(cuts to the Fab 5 in the car)

JVN: So, Hogwarts was gorgeous!

Karamo: I feel like we learned so much this week.

Antoni: (grinning goofily while wearing a crop top with avocados all over it) I feel inspired.

Bobby: (sighing, looking out the window) I feel exhausted. Olympe and I went out for margs last night.

Tan: (gasps) Jonathan, did you seriously steal that moleskin coat?

JVN: What? It looks cute on me. Don’t undermine my truth, Tan!

(Fab 5 closing credits rolls)

The End