67 SHARES Share Tweet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are today saying that General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff, is offering an account of the end of Rob Porter’s time in the Trump administration that is, to put it favorably, less than accurate. Questions have arisen about just how much Kelly and President Trump knew about the disturbing allegations of domestic abuse and violence against Porter by two of his ex-wives, both with documented photographic evidence to back up their claims. Kelly has already modified his story of the time line in which the allegations were discovered, reported to the White House by the FBI — subsequently ending Porter’s ability to get top security clearance — and whether or not Kelly urged Porter to stay, even in the face of those allegations.

Now, in an unrelated development, word from within the administration is that Kelly is moving to replace Porter, a senior staff secretary for Trump, with someone who has household name cache.

“Today, General Kelly reached out to Orenthal “OJ” Simpson and asked if he’d like to take Rob Porter’s place in the administration,” one White House aide tells us. “We’re not sure if Mr. Simpson is even interested, but General Kelly recently saw a documentary on his past, and he said he’s the exact kind of guy this administration works best with.”

Simpson, who was released from prison after nine years in Nevada back in October of 2017, also has a past record of domestic violence. Nicole Brown, the woman who he famously tried to relieve of her skull, was married to Simpson for years before he murdered her and a man, Ronald Goldman, who had just been returning her sunglasses after she left them at restaurant he waited tables at. Simpson’s serial alleged abuse of Brown was front and center during his trial, with the prosecution entering 17 years worth of evidence of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

He was ultimately acquitted of both murder charges in the mid-1990’s, but Simpson was later caught up in a scheme to steal back some memorabilia of his athletic career, and was sentenced for theft of those same items. He served nine years of his sentence, and reportedly if he had not been in jail at the time of last year’s inauguration, Kelly would have offered him a role in the administration back then.

“Clearly we have a place for guys like OJ who understand you don’t have to tell a girl with two black eyes nothin’ because you already told her twice,” Kelly was overheard telling Trump, who reportedly laughed so hard he sharted, which he quickly blamed on Barack Obama and Crooked Hillary Clinton. “In fact, you might say OJ was willing to take our views on woman to even more committed level than we are.”

Though it’s unclear if Mr. Simpson will take Kelly up on his offer, the White House has a few other candidates in mind to replace porter.

“Johnny Depp, Mel Gibson, and Chris Brown are all also on the shortlist, right under OJ,” our source tells us.

This story is developing.

You can read satire like this on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire: