FADE IN:

EXT. ANCIENT EGYPT - ODDLY SPECIFIC DATE OF 1300 BC

OPENING TEXT

For 400 years, the Hebrews have been slaves under the tyrannical Egyptians. But God has not forgotten his people, although he's been pretty content to let them suffer in slavery for centuries.

Egyptian prince JOEL EDGERTON prepares for battle with his pseudo-stepbrother MOSES, who is played by...

CHRISTIAN BALE

Me? Oh fuck. It's pretty sad that "Epic Rap Battles of History" has a more convincing Moses than me.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

(actual quote)

I can't mount a film of this budget...and say my lead actor is Mohammad so-and-so from such-and-such.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Really? You couldn't find any black or Middle Eastern actors to lead this film? Not Denzel Washington, Laurence Fishburne or Morgan Freeman? Are you saying people wouldn't line up for miles to see Samuel L. Jackson scream "Let my people fucking go!"

JOEL EDGERTON

Well hey, I went to the effort of coloring my skin to look darker!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Pseudo-blackface, how nice. I'm glad we're doing things even "Tropic Thunder" thinks are stupid.

CHIRSTIAN and JOEL battle the HITTIE ARMY, but we don't really know anyone so no one cares.

JOEL EDGERTON

You saved my life back there. Surely this debt of gratitude will make our inevitable face-off all the more tragic.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Nah. Relationship studies are boring. Endless 3D is where it's at!

EXT. CITY OF PITHOM

CHRISTIAN interviews incompetent Viceroy BEN MENDELSOHN

CHRISTIAN BALE

Have you been abusing government funds?

BEN MEDELSOHN

No.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Have you been abusing government funds?

BEN MEDELSOHN

No!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Have you been abusing government funds?

BEN MEDELSOHN

No! Goddamitt this is a Biblical epic! Why are we spending so much time on bookeeping?

Later that night, CHRISTIAN goes out to interview HEBREW SLAVES in secret.

CHRISTIAN BALE

It's so distracting how nearly every extra is a different race than me. If Ridley had to be a whitewashing racist (and he didn't) he should have gone the whole hog.

BEN KINGSLEY

Thank you for meeting with us Christian. Would you mind leaving your guards around the corner?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Sounds like a good idea in a neighborhood where everyone has a good reason to kill me. By the way, what Biblical character are you playing?

BEN KINGSLEY

Nun.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No really who?

BEN KINGSLEY

Oh hardy har har. Look you're secretly the son of Hebrew parents. You're the Chosen One, destined to lead us out of slavery.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No no no, that can't be true.

BEN KINGSLEY

Of course it is! Who better to lead us than a man who spent his entire life profiting off our slave labor?

CHRISTIAN BALE

No, I meant how could I possibly be Hebrew? Almost none of you are the same color as me.

BEN KINGSLEY

What about Joshua? He's played by Aaron Paul!

AARON PAUL

Hi there! I hope you wanted a nagging voice in the back of your brain saying "Look it's Jesse!"

A disturbed CHRISTIAN returns to MEMPHIS.

EXT. MEMPHIS

JOEL EDGERTON has become RAMSES II.

JOEL EDGERTON

Christian! Ben Mendelsohn tells me he heard a rumor that you're a Hebrew! Tell me it's not true!

CHRISTIAN BALE

You mean the guy I exposed as hopelessly corrupt? No reason to doubt HIS motives.

JOEL EDGERTON

You're right. It is weird that I'd turn on a man I was raised beside as a brother. Luckily I'm evil!

BEN MEDELSOHN

It's true. There's a scene where he literally drinks snake venom because "It's good to have a little venom in your veins".

CHRISTIAN BALE

Oh that's nothing. I once caught him trying to plunge his hand into a furnace because he "wanted to rule with a fist of steel".

JOEL gets CHRISTIAN to confess by threatening to chop his sister's arm off.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Have Christian killed! Yeah, I'm in this too.

JOEL EDGERTON

Have Christian killed? Never! I'm going to exile him. Then I'm going to have him killed. I'm complicated like that.

CHRISTIAN escapes his assassins and heads deeper into the DESERT.

EXT. MIDIAN

CHRISTIAN staggers into the home of MARÍA VALVERDE.

MARÍA VALVERDE

Welcome stranger. Feel free to stay the night before heading off wherever you were going.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Gee this place seems swell. Mind if I stay forever?

MARÍA VALVERDE

Well you won't tell us who you are, what you've done, or why you're desperately fleeing Egypt,so...yeah, welcome aboard.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Awesome! Let's have a romance!

CHRISTIAN and MARÍA get married.

MARÍA VALVERDE

I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad that Hollywood is rushing through it's tacked-on romantic subplots.

Nine years later, CHRISTIAN chases a goat up a mountain and finds...

CHRISTIAN BALE

A ridiculously fake burning bush! Do you have a message for me?

ISSAC ANDREWS

Nope, the voice of God is me. Not sure why we have the bush at all. Go and free the slaves already. It's been nine years!

CHRISTIAN returns home to his wife.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Hi honey. Just thought I'd confess my past after only nine years of marriage, then leave on a probable suicide mission against the entire nation of Egypt. That's cool right?

MARÍA VALVERDE

But Christian? What about our son?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Can anyone in the audience remember his name? Or yours? Face it, I'm not going think about any of you until the end of the movie.

EXT. MEMPHIS

CHRISTIAN returns to the capital, where he meets his brother AARON for the first time in an emotional...

CHRISTIAN BALE

Yeah, we don't have time for that shit. To the guerrilla fight scenes!

BEN KINGSLEY

Christian, glad you could join us. None of us are angry that it took you nearly an entire decade.

CHRISTIAN launches guerrilla attacks while ISSAC ANDREWS blasts EGYPT with plagues. Water turns to blood! Frogs, flies and boils run amok!

ISSAC ANDREWS

Huh. Not sure why I needed Christian at all.

POMPOUS EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL

These strange phenomena are obviously the result of crocodiles flapping their tails! Ineffectual explanations!

JOEL EDGERTON

Are we really playing this for comedy? We just saw hundreds of animals drowning in blood!

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

No, don't you see what I'm doing? I'm implying everything that's happened might actually be perfectly mundane!

JOEL EDGERTON

Yes, just like how Peter Jackson implied that the walking trees and giant spiders were just meth hallucinations.

BEN MEDELSOHN

As your most trusted adviser- wait, I'm your most trusted adviser? I'm not even very good at stealing from you!

JOEL EDGERTON

I can't let Christian Bale win this. Now excuse me while I go coddle my son. As a villain it's good to be more concerned about my family than the movie's protagonist.

Plagues of LOCUSTS! Deaths of LIVESTOCK! Day turns to NIGHT! CATS and DOGS living together! MASS HYSTERIA!

CHRISTIAN meets up with ISSAC ANDREWS.

ISSAC ANDREWS

Hey Christian? What's up?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Uh yeah. Hi God. Um...Look, there's something I've been meaning to ask you about these plagues...

ISSAC ANDREWS

Yeah, they're awesome aren't they? Did you like that poor farmer weeping over the last of his dead cattle? Classic!

CHRISTIAN BALE

That's kinda the problem. Isn't this all just a little bit over the top?

ISSAC ANDREWS

What? No! The Egyptians deserve this for centuries of slave driving!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Maybe, but if we actually saw the costs of slavery for more than a few seconds, this whole thing would feel more like an actual moral dilemma, and...

ISSAC ANDREWS

You know what your problem is? You still don't think of the Hebrews as your people!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Yeah, still kinda wondering why you choose me as your prophet.

ISSAC ANDREWS

Eh, I've had enough of this. I'm gonna kill everyone's first-born son.

CHRISTIAN BALE

What? No! That's horrible!

ISSAC ANDREWS

Don't care! Blood! Gore! GENOCIIIIIIDE!

(foams at mouth)

CHRISTIAN BALE

No, I mean Ridley will never be able to find a non-divine explanation for this. What are we going to say? That there's an extremely fussy SIDS virus?

CHRISTIAN BALE hurries back to his followers.

BEN KINGSLEY

God's going to kill all the first-borns? How can we protect ourselves?

CHRISTIAN BALE

A dramatic door painting scene! Yes, a dramatic door painting scene. We couldn't have cut THAT out.

GOD-APPROVED BABY GENOCIDE commences. JOEL finally lets the HEBREWS go.

BEN MEDELSOHN

Well that was surprisingly-

JOEL EDGERTON

MURDER ALL THE HEBREWS! But ONLY after they've got a good head start. It would be too mean to kill those adorable scamps when they're in my power.

BEN MEDELSOHN

This whole "letting people go then trying to kill them" is kinda a problem for you isn't it?

EXT. DESERT

JOEL'S troops are chasing the HEBREWS!

JOEL EDGERTON

REEEEEVEEEEENNNGGGEEEE!!!

BEN MEDELSOHN

Who will win? God? Or a few chariots? I'm on tenterhooks!

The HEBREWS discover the RED SEA has parted to let them through.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

A miracle from God? Or a freak tidal-

CHRISTIAN BALE

We just saw a thousand children dying at the same time! Let it go!

CHRISTIAN stays to fight JOEL while everyone escapes.

JOEL EDGERTON

Who could have possibly seen this face-off coming?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Everyone. From the moment we each received swords symbolizing how we'd never turn on each other.

JOEL EDGERTON

Seems like a lot of setup for us to have a swordfight. But an epic swordfight should still be-

(swept away by giant wave)

OH GODDAMMIT!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Remember, it's not a lazy copout if it's God!

(miraculously survives)

JOEL EDGERTON

(also miraculously survives)

You mean the genocidal pharaoh was the only Egyptian survivor? Maybe God WAS on my side after all!

END.

EXT. MIDIAN

CHRISTIAN'S followers meet up with MARÍA.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Honey, I need you to uproot yourself and our son from your home and family to spend forty years in the desert.

MARÍA VALVERDE

I-

CHRISTIAN BALE

Thanks honey!

END.

EXT. MOUNT SINAI

CHRISTIAN carves the TEN COMMANDMENTS.

ISSAC ANDREWS

You're really warmed up to me haven't you?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Well, it's not like I had much of a choice, you baby-killing, plague-spewing psychopath!

They LAUGH.

END.

EXT. MORE DESERT

The HEBREWS are still wandering through the...

CHRISTIAN BALE

Oh, just fucking END!

END.(FOR REAL THIS TIME.)