

BOONE, NC – A fun-filled game of Quidditch turned tragic last week when Appalachian Apparators player Brian Tibbet was reportedly burned at the stake for what some have called “witchcraft”.

The App State Quidditch team, the Appalachian Apparators, was embroiled in a match against visiting Chapel Hill when the Catholic Campus Ministry ambushed the game, multiple sources attested. One eyewitness at the scene recalled “a bunch of crazy white people in robes running out with sticks and a can of gasoline.”

CCM have made their opinion of the Quidditch team well known ever since it was established in 2009. “This wretched organization has steered youth away from the path of righteousness in their practice of witchcraft,” wrote CCM leader James Krewe in a recent subtweet towards the Apparators. “Imaginary sport has addled the minds of innocent students and convinced them that magic broomstick soccer is cool.”

“We must cleanse His garden of those who have succumbed to this damnable game of the occult,” Krewe allegedly declared in a sermon delivered while the bonfire was built. “The satanic works of J.K. Rowling brainwash and corrupt young minds with their tales of black magic.” Several other Ministry members were also heard decrying the game as “evil”, “heresy”, and “pretty lame”.

The Apparators reportedly cast every spell they could think of, but they had no effect, since spells aren’t real. Horrified team members could only watch as a fire was lit, and Tibbet became engulfed in flames. CCM pamphlets were allegedly handed out to onlookers.

Apparators players have been offered counseling in the wake of the traumatic event, which has left most of them shaken. “I didn’t really like him that much,” said Apparators Seeker Hannah Davies. “But I think that’s because his Pottermore quiz results put him in Slytherin, and ever since then he’s kinda acting like a douche.”

The Chancellor’s office has responded to the tragedy by awarding 10 points to Gardner Hall in honor of Tibett.