BARRIE, ON – Chad Popen, 15, the self-proclaimed "King of the Caf," has returned to Eastview Secondary School this year with a brand new look.



"When my mom told me I had to get braces, I was pretty fuckin' pissed," Popen starts. "Braces are for poor, genetically inferior losers. I definitely don't need them, but I'm looking at it like a test. They put Jesus in jail for no reason, and now they're trying to crucify my perfect mouth."



It's unclear exactly who Popen is referring to when he says "they." However, the overly grandiose comparison continues.



"I think I have a bit more fight in me than Jesus did," Popen actually says out loud. "The trick is to own it. Jesus didn't own it properly. These braces are gonna reshape my mouth, but not my life."



It appears that Popen has recently taken to social media in an attempt to "own" his situation.



"The other day I posted on Facebook, 'It's with a HEAVY HEAD that I announce that I have braces now'. Because of the extra weights in my mouth, get it? Anyway, 24 likes. Suck on that, Jesus. I've been the most popular kid in school since kindergarten and that is NOT about to change."



Popen's confidence is admirable, but he may be overlooking a Judas in the wings. Popen's "best friend," Myles Harold, also 15, has a few thoughts to share on the matter.



"Chad sucks and has always sucked," Harold blurts out, as though a weight has been lifted. "We only let him run the show because his family is rich, he has a trampoline in his backyard, and his stepmom is hot. But I'm sick of him acting like Mr. Big Shot all the time. Now that he has braces, I think this year is my chance to bring him down."



"I've already been working on some bits to taunt him with in front of our friends," Harold brags, before loudly clearing his throat.



"We're gonna build a wall around these teeth to keep out all the girls' tongues!" Harold exclaims in a not-half-bad Donald Trump impression.



"I know, it needs work," Harold admits. "But at least it doesn't suck as hard as Chad's 'HEAVY HEAD' line."