WASHINGTON—Determining conclusively that the liquid was absolutely goddamn disgusting, a new study released by the Environmental Protection Agency on Monday found that 98 percent of U.S. mop water was fucking nasty as hell. “With almost no exception, our results clearly show that the water used for mopping in this country is gross as fuck,” said administrator Scott Pruitt, adding that samples from mop buckets across the country almost universally smelled like total ass despite containing soap. “Our analysis found that nearly all American mop water ranged from a gross-ass cloudy brownish-gray to black with flecks of stuff floating around. In some of the more severe cases, there was even some fucking rank gunk buildup on the bottom.” Pruitt went on to strongly recommend that Americans not bring mop water into contact with floors at the risk of spreading all that shit around.

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