Dive Bar Renovations Include Pinball and That’s It

SEATTLE — Local dive bar the Sunken Gristle reopened yesterday after a three-month renovation period, with one modest change: a single pinball machine, and nothing else, confused and tipsy patrons confirmed.

“Well, they were closed for a while, so I figured this place was getting a complete overhaul. Maybe they were finally installing some toilets in the bathroom that… actually flushed, you know? But, really, the only thing different is the shitty Simpsons pinball machine,” said neighborhood resident Sammy Cochran. “Beers are the same, same tacky rockabilly stuff on the walls — there’s even still the same broken glass on the floor over by the kitchen. It’s really just still a shitty bar.”

Construction for the change was undertaken by a modest crew of 16 workers.

“The owner didn’t want us to change a lot, so we moved the pinball machine inside, plugged it in, and just played that baby until our contracts were up,” said foreman Lucas Modine. “I guess he got a good deal on the machine off eBay, but the thing sort of sucks. The flippers stick, and if you don’t use the coin slot on the right, it just eats your quarters.”

Bar owner and socialite Maz Jambai believes the renovations were worth the wait.

“Customers don’t understand how important the changes are. Finally, we can show that the Sunken Gristle is not only a place where underage college kids drink, but also a place where underage college kids play pinball,” said Jambai. “Hopefully, the extra revenue will allow us to upgrade our back patio with an umbrella.”

Other local businesses took notice of the recent renovation, and hope to improve on their facilities as well — including fellow tavern owner Mike Leopold.

“The Sunken Gristle gives us hope that hard work can pay off. We’ve been shut down for six years, but soon, we’ll be ready to unveil our new ice machine that makes the ice into the little round O’s that everyone seems to like,” said Leopold.