Free things are the best things. Free drinks are my favorite drinks that are definitely not laced with date rape drugs. Free-for-alls are my favorite emotional and physical states. And free food has always, forever been my favorite food. I’ve even gone to great lengths for it: I’ve shown up to work for it, I’ve pretended to enjoy/tolerate/kind of tolerate people’s company for it. I’m that person who would set her own hair on fire for a Klondike bar. You don’t even have to ask. I’ll just do it.

So when Citizen Chef was all like, you want some free sauces? I was like, fuck yes I would like free sauces. But also? Citizen Chef is a weird brand name. I feel like I should be making Citizen Chef arrests (in a good way?) against artificial sweeteners and people who can’t help but eat a bucket of fried chicken on a crowded subway. Book em, or whatever.

But Citizen Chef arrests aside, these sauces are pretty good. I was sent the Chipotle Adobo sauce and Limone Garlic sauce or as i call it, Lem….. Garlic sauce because “limone” will get you got in certain company (you wouldn’t last a minute in my world!) First I ate some of both with a spoon. Then I regained my dignity. Then I lost it again because have you met me? They’re pretty light gluten-free, vegan sauces, well seasoned, and not too bad on the ol’ waistline. (See? See???Dignity.) And so, in a momentary shock of brilliance, I decided to use both sauces in one epic salad explosion (Salaplosion™) of tofu and pickled slaw.

Can we talk about pickling for a hot sec?

Like most people, I’ve really been meaning to get around to pickling my own vegetables. But, just like washing my hair and being even remotely nice to people, uuuuggghhh. It just seems so easy that it almost becomes a hassle, you know? I had the jars already because of course I did, I pass three grocery stores on my 4 block walk from the subway every day, and this is literally the easiest fucking thing on earth. So what was holding me back?

Lazy. I’m really lazy. One time I ordered delivery food just so someone would bring me a soda. And by “one time”, I mean “all the times.” I have laundry facilities in my basement but I still do drop-off service. I was going to think of a third example but I honestly can’t be bothered.

Well, I finally sucked it up and threw some cole slaw and red onions in a jar with vinegar and some other steps that I’ll explain below (I’m sleepy just writing all that), and I was rewarded with a salad or sandwich or naked body topper that’s crunchy, light, bright, and delicious. Perfect for life in this oven we call New York.

If you want to skip the slaw, this Salaplosion™ is a fabulous meal regardless. Super high in protein, low in carbs, high on life. But really, it’s so easy that I even did it and I hate doing things.

(I eat pickled slaw off bodies. I’ll see myself out, Mr. Citizen Chef.)

CHIPOTLE ADOBO TOFU and PICKLED SLAW SALAD

serves 2

ingredients:

1 carton of extra firm tofu, dried throughly and sliced into half inch slabs





⅓ cup Citizen Chef Chipotle Adobo Sauce





1 tablespoon chili powder





1 teaspoon dried oregano





1 teaspoon dried basil





1 teaspoon garlic powder





1 teaspoon onion powder





¼ teaspoon smoked paprika





¼ teaspoon salt





some pepper





3 cups or so of baby kale





some cherry tomatoes, halved





orange bell pepper, sliced





Pickled Slaw





Garlic Limone vinaigrette

No? Not even a little pickled slaw off your abdomen? Whatever…

Pre heat your oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Mix your chili powder, oregano, basil, garlic and onion powders, paprika, salt, and pepper in a shallow bowl. Pour your Citizen Chef Chipotle Adobo Sauce in another shallow bowl. Dip your tofu slices in the sauce bowl. Next, you can either dredge the sauced tofu in the herb mixture orrrrr sprinkle the herb mixture on both sides of each tofu slice. The first option works better but gets messy. Arrange your sauced and seasoned tofu slices on the baking sheet. Bake for 12 minutes. Flip over. Bake another 13 minutes. Cool. Slice each slab into strips.

In a big bowl, combine your baby kale, cherry tomatoes, orange bell peppers. Split up between two plates. Top with some pickled slaw (⅓ cup sounds like a good amount) and tofu strips. Dress each salad with some Limone Garlic Vinaigrette.

PICKLED SLAW

(adapted from Smitten Kitchen)

ingredients:

3 cups pre-packaged cabbage and carrot slaw blend







½ to ⅔ red onion, sliced thin







1 cup white distilled vinegar







5 packets of Truvia







2 tablespoons salt







1 teaspoon fennel seeds







½ teaspoon red pepper flakes







1 cup of cold water







1 big old pickling jar

Stick your veggies in the jar. In a saucepan, heat the vinegar, Truvia, salt, fennel seeds, and red pepper flakes to a simmer over medium heat, stirring until the Truvia and salt dissolves. Remove from heat, add the cup of water, and stir. Allow the mixture to cool to lukewarm.

Pour the pickling mixture over the veggies. Refrigerate for up to a month. You can use it after 24 hours but mine tasted pretty delicious after 4 or 5 days.

LIMONE GARLIC VINAIGRETTE

serves 2



ingredients:

¼ cup Citizen Chef Limone Garlic Sauce







2 tablespoons white wine vinegar







some pepper

Whisk. Pour.

NUTRITION

one salad, one serving of dressing, a mound of pickles

