FRAMINGHAM, MA—With the back-to-school shopping season in full swing, office-supply chain Staples announced that it would be hiring thousands of additional sales personnel to mope uselessly around the store and sullenly count the hours until closing. "We found that our usual numbers of bored, vacant-looking floor staff were not adequate to fully ignore the influx of customers," said Staples spokes≠woman Andrea Dalton. "Now, whether shoppers have questions about which backpack is best for a middle- schooler or how long laptops are under warranty, they can find plenty of sales associates who either don't know or don't give a shit." Staples sources confirmed that many stores would also be adding extra cashiers to resentfully process returns.

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