KALAMAZOO, MI—Refusing to play along with what he immediately knew to be blatant hyperbole, restaurant patron David Ream, 46, publicly declared Monday evening that his “drama queen” waiter was “completely full of shit” about his dinner plate being too hot to touch. “What a fucking liar,” said Ream, who immediately took issue with the waiter’s explicit warning not to handle the plate with an audibly sizzling sirloin steak as it was set down in front of him. “That plate’s maybe a little hotter than plates usually are, but that’s hardly a reason to deliver a little warning speech. Don’t even get me started on the stupid little hot pads that guy pulled out like he was working at freaking Chernobyl.” At press time, Ream was in intensive care at Kalamazoo’s Bronson Memorial Hospital undergoing emergency treatment for third-degree burns on both of his hands, forearms, thighs, and the inside of his mouth.

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