It’s Mid April and Fantasy Football is here. We’ve got ourselves a league of try hards and fan boys making money moves closer to last year’s Super Bowl than the start of the next season. We are here because we love the game, the shit talk, and the camaraderie. Our startup draft is done. Let’s take a look at everyone’s roster ahead of the Rookie Draft.

THE NORTH

LosBadAsses — Sniper the Fox — Raymond

Adam Thielen

Roster

QB — Mitchell Trubisky, Kirk Cousins

RB — David Johnson, Rashaad Penny, Lamar Miller, Latavius Murray, Tevin Coleman, Jay Ajayi, Malcom Brown, David Williams

WR — Michael Thomas, Adam Thielen, Cooper Kupp, Alshon Jeffery, Albert Wilson, Larry Fitzgerald, Devin Funchess, Curtis Samuel, Tim Patrick, Kendrick Bourne, Trey Quinn, Demaryius Thomas, Brandon Powell, Ted Ginn Jr.

TE — OJ Howard, Mike Gesicki

The self-proclaimed badasses are coming in hot. After a flurry of draft week trades, including a swap of Mahomes for Adam Thielen, Raymond has ended up with a balanced roster. He got great value at all three skill positions. Michael Thomas slid in the first round. David Johnson was good value in the second and is poised for positive regression (I mean, the Cardinals offense simply can’t be any worse than the abysmal atrocity they were last year). OJ Howard is primed for a breakout campaign.

This team is super deep at Wide Receiver. Michael Thomas and Adam Thielen are no brainer starters. Alshon Jeffery, Demaryius Thomas, and Larry Fitzgerald are safe vets for the flex. Albert Wilson, Devin Funchess, and Curtis Samuel are young prospects in the best situation of their young careers.

Running Back and Quarterback are where the questions start to come in. The Seahawks haven’t had a true bellcow back since Marshawn Lynch. Their coaching staff has publicly committed to a RBBC (but really, only like 3 teams haven’t). Penny is far from a sure thing as an RB2. Miller, Murray, Coleman, and Ajayi have all put up startable numbers in the past, but they have glaring question marks going into the season another year older. At Quarterback, Trubisky and Cousins are equally capable of putting up QB1 numbers or dropping a dud.

LosBadAsses still have all their draft picks for the rookie draft. Will they hold on to their 8th spot in the first round? Will they draft some much needed depth at QB and TE, or will they shoot for a stud at WR or RB?

Cali Cannabis — Bill

Roster

QB — Andrew Luck, Sam Darnold, Josh Allen

RB — Todd Gurley, Alex Collins, Leonard Fournette, Damian Williams, Alfred Blue, Jerick McKinnon, Peyton Barber, Ronald Jones, Jordan Wilkins, Nyheim Hines

WR — Antonio Brown, Mike Williams, Mohamed Sanu, Martavis Bryant, Robby Anderson, Mike Wallace, Michael Crabtree, Chris Thompson, Marquez Valdes-Scantling

TE — David Njoku, Gerald Everett, Jaeden Graham

Bill has a solid roster from top to bottom, but every player comes with a question mark. His team as a whole has missed almost as many seasons from injury as he is old, and Martavis Bryant could never join another NFL roster. If everyone stays healthy and hits their projections, Bill could be the favorite to smoke a victory joint come January.

At Quarterback, Bill invested early in Andrew Luck, and was sure to back him up with talented prospects Josh Allen and Sam Darnold.

At RB, Gurley has been the best fantasy player in the league for the past two years and Damian Williams flashed RB1 potential at the end of last season. Fournette could be a bust or a third round value pick. Everyone else is caught up at the bottom of a depth chart or in the case of Peyton Barber, marred with chronic inefficiency.

The dank squad has a plethora of vets at the WR position. Antonio Brown will try to jump start Derrick Carr’s career in Oakland. Mike Williams is coming off a 10 TD season. Sanu, Anderson, Wallace, and Crabtree have already had themselves a productive career.

The only question for Bill’s tight ends is will any of them actually do anything? Njoku could easily be a TE1, but he could also disappear behind the 20 other talented playmakers on the Browns roster. I wonder if Bill thought he was drafting Jimmy Graham as his third TE?

Perhaps the most pressing roster concern for Bill is whether he will be able to adapt to an online league. Easily the most experienced player, Bill got his start with pen and paper leagues. After every trade, he would use his old roster to roll a doobie. With a team both deep and injury prone, we will have to wait and see whether Bill will be the last man laughing, or if he will have to get his thrills from sending yet another dick pic to the league group chat.

HandKrafted69 — Parlor Boys — Carson

Some skanky old dude

Roster

QB — Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, Josh Rosen

RB — Derrick Henry, Tarik Cohen, James White, Doug Martin, Carlos Hyde, Rob Kelley, Ish Smith, Josh Adams, Christian Wade

WR — Tyreek Hill, Juju Smith-Schuster, Calvin Ridley, Terrelle Pryor, Chris Hogan, Jordy Nelson, Dede Westbrook, Michael Gallup

TE — Trey Burton, Jonnu Smith, Hayden Hurst, Ryan Izzo

Every league needs a Patriots fan to shit on for no reason other than the fact that they root for the Patriots. Thank you Carson for rooting for the team we all love to hate. Much shade will be thrown. You deserve it you Tom Brady lover boy.

HandKrafted69 went with proven vets at QB and a young guy who might eventually make his way to the Patriots in Josh Rosen. But hey, you gotta give him props for not taking Tom Brady in the 1st round.

At Running Back, the Parlor Boys took their obligatory Patriot in James White, while also nabbing possible rising stars Derrick Henry and Tarik Cohen. A few more IRL depth guys rounds off the fantasy depth of this wannabe Patriots RBBC.

For Wide Receiver, Carson took ex-Patriot Chris Hogan, retiree Jordy Nelson, and ex-QB Terrelle Pryor (black Julian Edelman?). During the startup draft, the 69s reached for Juju, taking him as the first WR off the board in search of some of that sweet, sweet Antonio Brown upside. Calvin Ridley could be the next Juju if Julio gets traded to the Patriots for a 3rd and a 5th. Will Tyreek Hill be breaking arms or ankles in the upcoming NFL season?

Patriots TE Ryan Izzo rounds off this Patriots circle-jerk of a roster supplemented with actual starter Trey Burton, and high-upside prospects Jonnu Smith and Hayden Hurst.

Who will our local Patriots fanboy take in the upcoming rookie draft? Stay tuned and watch who the Patriots pick in the real draft to place your bets.

THE SOUTH

Redavhtrad95–0 RB Squad — Tanner

Big Dick Nick Chubb

Roster

QB — Cam Newton, Matthew Stafford

RB — Nick Chubb, Kerryon Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Spencer Ware, Theo Riddick

WR — Mike Evans, Keenan Allen, Amari Cooper, Kenny Golladay, Keke Coutee, Geronimo Allison, Equanimeous St. Brown, J’mon Moore, Antonio Callaway, Trent Sherfield, Keelan Cole

TE — Hunter Henry, Vance McDonald, CJ Uzomah

By far the most active team post draft, Tanner has been churning his team in circles out of impatience and inconfidence in his drafting chops. The dude sold Zeke and Kittle, two projected top 3 players at their own position. At least his team still somewhat resembles a Fantasy Football roster.

Not much to speak of at Quarterback. Tanner waited until the 12th round to pounce on Cam Newton and grabbed perennially mediocre Lions QB Matthew Stafford later.

After many trades, Redavhtrad95 ended up with only 5 running backs rostered. He must have a hard on for Chubb and Kerryon after giving up 2 1sts and a 2nd for Chubb and trading up on draft day for Johnson. Adrian Peterson is petitioning for the league to let him bring his walker on the field. Ware and Riddick are buried on their own depth charts.

The 0 RB Squad stayed true to their name, giving up first round pick Ezekiel Elliott and 6th round pick Chris Carson for what became Keenan Allen, Mike Evans, and draft picks. Amari Cooper and Kenny Golladay round out a solid top 4 guys who would be starting on any team in the league. Except maybe Cooper. He can’t catch worth shit.

At Tight End, this motherfucker sold a 25 year old record breaking George Kittle and decided to hope guys like Vance McDonald and CJ Uzomah actually see the playing field this year. Hunter Henry projects to improve on last season after totalling 0 catches for 0 yards and 0 touchdowns.

The real question here is will this guy ever stop trading or will he finally find some contentment with his roster? If he doesn’t stop, he could end up with 12 first round picks in 2021 and 2022.

Scovel0 — Davey

Jake Butt

Roster

QB — Baker Mayfield, Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, Mason Rudolph

RB — Christian McCaffrey, James Conner, Sony Michel, Giovani Bernard, Rex Burkhead, CJ Anderson, Cameron Artis-Payne, Alex Armah, Dion Lewis, Jaylen Samuels

WR — Tyler Boyd, Allen Robinson, Will Fuller, Marqise Lee, Laquon Treadwell, Christian Kirk, Trent Taylor, Tre’Quan Smith

TE — Kyle Rudolph, Jack Doyle, Jake Butt

At QB, Scovel0 took Baker Mayfield, Marcus Mariota, and 2 backups. He best be hoping that Baker delivers some bread or he will be relying on Mariota’s numb hand to deliver points at the position.

One of the top RB squads in the league, Scovel0 invested his first 3 draft picks in McCaffrey, Conner, and Michel. He went deep on handcuffs taking Rex Burkhead, Cameron Artis-Payne, Alex Armah, and Jaylen Samuels. Scovel0 projects to have a top 3 running squad, even if his guys go down, thanks to his investment in loss-prevention insurance.

The solid RBs and their insurance came at the cost of anything resembling a Receiving Group. Tyler Boyd will start the season as Davey’s WR1, and Allen Robinson is praying that Trubisky finds some semblance of accuracy in the Chicago cold. Will Fuller could be interesting if he can stay healthy long enough to catch more than 32 passes, something he hasn’t done since his rookie season.

Nothing to really talk about at TE. This squad could be the Butt of many jokes.

Davey does possess the first overall pick in the 2019 draft. Will he add James Conner’s second backup or will he actually address a need at WR?

Dannyjoev — DJ

Patrick Mahomes

Roster

QB — Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady, Alex Smith, Tyrod Taylor

RB — Alvin Kamara, Derrius Guice, Mike Davis, D’onta Foreman, Elijah McGuire, Gus Edwards

WR — Robert Woods, Jarvis Landry, Sterling Shepard, Cole Beasley, Josh Gordon, Jordan Matthews, Chris Conley, Corey Coleman, John Ross, Daesean Hamilton, Randall Cobb

TE — Eric Ebron, Mark Andrews, Charles Clay

This is a top heavy squad at QB. DJ invested heavily in the young MVP by trading Adam Thielen for Patrick Mahomes on draft day. Tom Brady and Alex Smith can plug in here to make it one of the best QB groups in the league.

At RB, DJ took a top 5 guy in Alvin Kamara and then proceeded to reach for the stars with Derrius Guice. A squad that is all in on boom or bust ceilings, DJ could be boasting a 2019 championship if guice hits hard.

WR was the cost of the Guice reach and the Mahomes Trade. Woods and Landry are far from bad receivers, but it’s not exactly who you want starting as your 1 and 2. DJ supplemented this weakness by investing in a lot of high upside guys in Sterling Shepard, Josh Gordon, John Ross, etc.

DJ kept with the boom or bust mentality by taking Eric Ebron at TE. A guy propelled into a stellar year last season with 13 touchdowns, one has to wonder if he can maintain this level of efficiency in the loaded Colts offense. Mark Andrews and Charles Clay are simply backup tight ends.

THE EAST

BoSofaKingFire — Big Dak Energy — Bo

Chris Carson

Roster

QB — Carson Wentz, Jameis Winston, Taysom Hill

RB — Chris Carson, Phillip Lindsay, Royce Freeman, Wayne Gallman, Justin Jackson, Darrel Williams

WR — AJ Green, Kenny Stills, James Washington, Robert Foster, Quincy Enunwa, Emmanuel Sanders, DJ Chark,

TE — Zach Ertz, Dallas Godert, Jeff Heuerman, Rob Gronkowski, Blake Jarwin

The self proclaimed Jon Gruden of the league. The savior who swooped in and took the squad that was abandoned 2 picks into the draft. The man who is selling his now to build a dynasty for the future. Bo.

Let’s not talk too much about QB. Wentz and Winston could both be solid or fall through the floor.

At RB, Chris Carson leads the way, hoping to double down on last year’s 1000 yard season. Bo doesn’t really care who starts in Denver, investing in both the favorite to start, Phillip Lindsay, and the usurper, Royce Freeman. His depth is nothing more than high-upside handcuffs.

AJ Green leads the way at WR, followed by a plethora of guys hoping to project to be low ceiling values vs their ADP.

At TE, Bo bought the past, present, and future in the draft. He took Gronk, Ertz, and Dallas Goedert. This is one position he won’t have to address in the near future, or the near past, or the distant past.

Now here’s what’s interesting about Bo’s team. He sold Mike Evans and Nick Chubb, the two guys he didn’t draft, for a number of high draft picks. With three 2019 1sts, two 2019 2nds, and two 2020 1sts, Bo *Gruden* is looking to build his future through the draft.

ICEBURG — Nolan

Melvin Gordon

Roster

QB — Aaron Rodgers, Case Keenum, Dak Prescott

RB — Melvin Gordon, Le’Veon Bell, LeSean McCoy, Duke Johnson, Kenyan Drake, Kalen Ballage, John Kelly, Mike Boone

WR — Stefon Diggs, Julian Edelman, Willie Snead, Bruce Ellington, Kevin White, Jamison Crowder, Corey Davis, Dylan Cantrell

TE — George Kittle, Darren Waller, Ricky Seals-Jones, Jimmy Graham

Here we find our first win-now team. Nolan drafted a lot of vets and sold his future assets to bolster his startup roster to see if he can take the crown in year one of The Fellowship.

At QB, it’s hard to argue with the short-term upside of Aaron Rodgers. Keenum and Prescott both make a case for a solid backup role

At Running Back, Iceburg reached for the guy who looked like he could be the #1 running back in fantasy in the first half of last season in Melvin Gordon. Lev Bell is back in the NFL, and LeSean McCoy, Duke Johnson, and Kenyan Drake are all startable assets this year.

For Wide Receiver, Nolan Balanced vets with upcoming youngsters. Stefon Diggs is oft injured, but never fails to put up a bunch of fantasy points when he’s healthy. Julian Edelman has a career long connection with Tom Brady, and Corey Davis hopes to continue his trend of improving every year.

Tight End is where Nolan chose to invest his future. George Kittle is coming off a record breaking season even without his starting QB for most of the year.

Iceburg has the third pick in this year’s draft, 0 RB Squad’s 2020 second rounder, and not much else worth noting in the way of draft picks. He’s hoping to win it all while his window is wide open. Then again, he’s a Chargers fan and the Chargers don’t know how to win when it matters.

ThatOneDrunkTexan — Conner

Julio Jones

Roster

QB — Drew Brees, Jared Goff, Andy Dalton

RB — Joe Mixon, Mark Ingram, Devonta Freeman, Chris Thompson, Kenneth Dixon, Anthony Sherman

WR — Julio Jones, Doug Baldwin, Marquise Goodwin, Rashad Ross, Taylor Gabriel, John Brown, Josh Reynolds, David Moore, Andre Roberts

TE — Evan Engram, Tyler Eifert, Jason Witten, Jesse James, Jared Cook, Lee Smith

Our California residing, Texas grown, Falcons fan comes in hot with a Coors in hand. Drew Brees and Jared Goff are the only reason missing out on Matt Ryan doesn’t drive this boy to drink, as if anyone needs a reason.

Joe Mixon and Mark Ingram are headed for expanded roles in their offenses, while our Falcons homer also got his guy when he drafted Freeman.

Julio Jones is a necessity on any Falcons Fan’s team, and he supplemented that pick with veterans Doug Baldwin and Marquise Goodwin. John Brown is searching for a resurgance in Buffalo of all places.

What’s better than drafting one Tight End? Drafting SIX. All Conner can hope for is that at least one of these guys hits.

THE WEST

Gbabytheaux — Registered Flex Offenders — Gabriel

Ezekiel Elliott

Roster

QB — Russell Wilson, Nick Foles, Philip Rivers

RB — Saquon Barkley, Ezekiel Elliott, TJ Yeldon, Ameer Abdullah, Matt Breida, Corey Clement, Austin Ekeler, Marshawn Lynch

WR — TY Hilton, Tyler Lockett, Chris Godwin, Marvin Jones, Devante Parker, Nelson Agholor, Adam Humphries, Jordan Lasley, Keith Kirkwood, Torrey Smith

TE — Travis Kelce, Cameron Brate, Ed Dickson

Our other team going all in on winning now, and our second Chargers fan (I’m starting to notice a trend here), we have Gbabytheaux (pronounced G Baby Though)

At QB, he looks set this year. Russell Wilson just signed a 4 year, 140M extension to stay in Seattle. Philip Rivers is a must in any Chargers fan fantasy football starter pack. Nick Foles is a startable QB3.

RB….Holy smokes Batman. I can see why he sold his favorite wide receiver (Keenan Allen) and his future for Zeke. This team clocks in with the top 2 RBs taken in our startup draft. Both are young and both are hungry. He is hoping to hide is ugly lack of rb depth behind 2 surefire top 5 guys.

At WR, Gabe took a combination of proven talent (TY Hilton), upcoming and aspiring stars (Chris Godwin and Tyler Lockett), and IRL first round disappointments (Devante Parker and Nelson Agholor).

GBaby invested early in TE, taking Travis Kelce. Kelce has been a top 3 TE for as long as anyone involved in fantasy football (except Bill) can remember, and his situation has never been better. Tyreek Hill is looking at a possible suspension for breaking shit. Patrick Mahomes is coming off an MVP second season. Sammy Watkins projects to be Kelce’s biggest competition for targets. Everyone else behind Kelce is just depth.

Gabe is hoping his loaded RB and TE squads can carry him to a Fellowship title soon. Chargers fans are so hungry to win. Their team always teases them with solid seasons and falls flat in the playoffs. I guess this is why Chargers fans love playing fantasy.

TonyToeTap — Black Hole — Anthony

“Top 5 WR” Brandin Cooks

Roster

QB — Deshaun Watson, Derek Carr, Ryan Fitzmagic

RB — Marlon Mack, Isaiah Crowell, Jalen Richard, Kareem Hunt, Jamaal Williams, Chase Edmonds, Chris Warren

WR — DeAndre Hopkins, Davante Adams, Brandin Cooks, Zay Jones, Ryan Grant, Tyrell Williams, Chester Rogers, Golden Tate, Anthony Miller, Deon Cain

TE — Austin Hooper, Geoff Swaim, Ian Thomas

Anthony is actually solid in the passing game. Deshaun Watson is arguably a top 5 dynasty QB who should be throwing dimes for the next decade. The jury’s still out on Derek Carr, but this Raiders fanboy got his guy. Ryan Fitzpatrick should be looking fly in the Miami postgame interviews, but he’s old af.

Did Anthony name is team the Black Hole because he’s a Raiders homer, or because of the gaping hole in his roster at RB? Until Kareem Hunt returns as the second string RB in Cleveland, he will be relying on the likes of Crow and Jamaal Williams to start. Marlon Mack is a solid starter in Indy, but he projects to finish the year as an RB2…if he stays healthy. With 3 Raiders rostered at the position, and the team expected to draft a starting running back, it’s clear that Anthony won’t be starting a RB at the flex.

Wide Receiver is where he blows me away however. DeAndre Hopkins and Davante Adams are clear teir 1 WRs. There’s a change this glut of talent will carry him to the playoffs even with the weakest RB squad in the league. Then again, he drafted Brandin Cooks and later tried to trade him as a “top 5 WR.” His assessments of mid level players are questionable at best if he thinks this to be true. Oh, and he has 2 Raiders WRs not named Antonio Brown on his roster.

At Tight End, Anthony has a guy who broke out just in time for Calvin Ridley to also break out and sap his value. Austin Hooper should still be a viable starter as the third option in Atlanta. Oh and Tony has a Raiders TE on his roster.

A true Raiders homer, Anthony has 7 of the Silver and Black on his fantasy roster. Brandin Cooks’ number 1 fan, TonyToeTap, should be excited about his WR group going forward. Wait on the NFL draft to see who the Raiders (and in turn, Anthony) take from the rookie pool.

Adan6 — Adan

Roster

QB — Jimmy Garoppolo, Nick Mullens, Lamar Jackson

RB — Dalvin Cook, Aaron Jones, Jordan Howard, Jeremy Hill, TY Montgomery, Keith Ford

WR — Odell Beckham Jr, DJ Moore, Courtland Sutton, Cordarrelle Patterson, Desean Jackson, Donte Moncrief, Kelvin Benjamin, Paul Richardson, Phillip Dorsett, Dante Pettis

TE — Jordan Reed, Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Delanie Walker, Chris Herndon, Greg Olsen

At Quarterback, our local niners fan stayed true to his team by drafting Jimmy G and his backup. He also has a running back throwing the ball in Lamar Jackson

Running Backs who project to actually run the ball on Adan’s roster are young and mean. Dalvin Cook is good when he’s on the field (which is never), and Aaron Jones rushes for over 5 ypc when his coaches let him touch the ball (which is almost never). Jordan Howard is going to try to find opportunity in Philly. TY Montgomery is a Wide Receiver who plays running back.

OBJ is the best player on Adan’s roster. He is hoping the Browns can capitalize on his talent. You know what they say….if you can succeed on the Giants, you can succeed anywhere. Young and upcoming Sophomores DJ Moore and Courtland Sutton round out Adan’s starting receivers. Cordarrelle Patterson is another Wide Receiver who sometimes plays running back. Dante Pettis is the obligatory Niner on the team.

At Tight End, Jordan Reed, Delanie Walker, and Greg Olsen will count this season a success if they play 17 games between the three of them. If that doesn’t work out, there’s still 2 more TEs on Adan’s bench behind them.

If you’re looking to acquire Sutton, Jones, or Howard, they will always be available for the best young stud on your roster. Coming soon to a trade offer near you.

Whelp, that’s all 12 teams. Let me know if I didn’t shit on anyone who deserved it. . I’ll see you all at the Rookie Draft.