First-Year Seminarian Ready To Take Over For Senior Pastor If Necessary

DES PLAINES, IL—First-year seminarian George Turner, 23, confirmed Monday that, if necessary, he could “easily” step in to take over Rev. Gary Price as Senior Pastor at Covenant Presbyterian.

Turner realized it probably wouldn’t be that hard as he sat through Rev. Price’s Easter sermon over break during his first semester at his divinity school.

“Well, it’s not that the Reverend is a bad preacher,” Turner hedged, “but I don’t know how well he’d do in my preaching class nowadays,” noting that since he had been in ministry for more than 20 years, it had been a while since Price had received his Master of Divinity.

“I could teach him a thing or two, honestly. We’re just not as propositional in postmodernity. The Bible is a story, you know?”

Citing the influence of the last 6 weeks of course readings, Turner even began to critique Price’s outdated theology. “I doubt he even knows how indebted his preaching is to Western, rationalistic, foundationalism and Plato’s Gnostic philosophy.”

Turner also expressed reservations about the church’s worship style and its effect on his millennial peers. Drawing on his recent five-page research paper, he also suggested Eastern Orthodoxy’s ancient liturgy has much to offer in this regard. “I just think we need to be more tactile and relational; I’ve experienced deep connections with the mystery of the dance of God burning incense in my dorms.”

Gesturing to his pack of Greek flashcards, Turner added, “And I suppose it’s time to talk to him about that Bible translation we’re using. Ugh.”

Out on a hospital visit, Rev. Price was unavailable for comment.

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