O.K., so maybe a kiss is a strange way for two porn stars to fall in love, but for us it’s true. I developed a maddening crush on him, and my affection seemed to be returned. But he was in a relationship, and I was still as career-minded as ever, so our attraction stayed confined to the porn set, once a month as part of my shooting schedule.

Two years later, though, our attraction boiled over. Manuel was out of his relationship, and I was comfortably settled in my generous long-term contract, the kind almost nobody got anymore.

One day he asked if we could see each other off set. I knew where this could lead and what I stood to lose. If I were to let a relationship derail my contract, I would never get it back. I said yes anyway.

Navigating love when both of our jobs involve having sex with other people can be stressful, and this especially began to bother Manuel; he would get jealous and moody in the days before my shoots. He knew it wasn’t fair to ask me to stop, but he couldn’t hide the way he felt. Finally he said he wanted me to quit my contract and move in with him, with the logical next steps being marriage and children. I was 27.

It felt like an impossible choice. When I imagined the vulnerability of being dependent on a man, coupled with the irreversible commitment of having a child, I waited for the panic to hit. My biggest fear was repeating the past: becoming a single mother, financially insolvent, halfway through a college degree and left to raise my future children alone. One day, a panic attack came on so strong that I had to drive myself to the hospital with numb hands and dimming vision. Nightmares and weight loss followed.

Manuel tried to talk me down. “Did you hear me?” he asked. “I want to marry you. I want to have a baby with you.”