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Fitchburg Sentinel: A Fitchburg couple was arrested on Tuesday by several law enforcement agencies after seven pounds of heroin, two pounds of cocaine and over $40,000 in cash was discovered in their car after a traffic stop, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration.

Candido Tomasini, 35, of 3 Wood St., Apt. 2, and Maribel Roman, 40, of 323 Rollstone St., were charged with one count each of possession with the intent to distribute a controlled dangerous substance, specifically Cocaine; one count of possession with the intent to distribute a controlled dangerous substance, specifically Heroin; and one count of money laundering, in the amount of $40,250, according to the DEA.

These arrests were the result of an investigation conducted by the Bergen County Prosecutor’s Office and the New York Drug Enforcement Task Force comprised of agents and officers of the DEA, New York Police Department and New York State Police. According to the DEA, over the last several weeks, the law enforcement agencies received information that Tomasini and Roman were involved in the distribution of narcotics in Bergen County, New Jersey, which is just north of New York City. The drugs, which an approximate street value of $600,000, were discovered in two separate electronically-operated hidden compartments, according to authorities.

In 2009, Tomasini pleaded guilty in Worcester County Superior Court for armed assault with intent to murder. He was sentenced to five to six years in Walpole State Prison.

Fitchburg and Jersey. I couldn’t think of two places I’d rather visit less than Fitchburg and Jersey. And when the Burg and Jersey come together, nothing good comes out of it.

These two are real pillars of the community though. Candido, despite his 5-6 years in Walpole for armed assault with intent to murder, owns a barber shop in town.

Because a shithead opening up a barber shop isn’t one of the greatest cliches of all time or anything like that.

In other words, he opened up the most obvious drug front you’ll ever see. This is what it looks like from the outside:

I’ve never bought drugs in Fitchburg before. But if was in the market for them, this is the first place I’d go.

His partner in crime is a real piece of work herself. She likes to get glamour shots taken at the first stripper pole she can find.

But apparently the tips weren’t enough for her (just the tip never is for these skags) so she resorted to a life of peddling poison to the greater Fitchburg area’s most vulnerable ratchets. Ya know you’re a high class broad when 99% of your pictures are you pointing your coolo directly at the camera.

These aren’t just regular dealers. They had over $600K worth of shit on them!! That’s enough for the town of Winchendon to get through at least the weekend. I think we can all agree that dealing that much product in the middle of an opiate epidemic makes you the lowest of the low, right?

Wrong……

“What the fuck one thing gotta do wit another when all she doing is tryna help peoples get a job so they won’t make the same mistake she did. At least she tryna change her life.”

Apparently “changing her life” means, driving to Jersey to pick up heroin to sell to junkboxes. Oh yea, she’s a real pillar of the community!

It’s true Maggie. If you don’t live in Fitchburg then you’re not allowed to talk about drug dealers being arrested. That’s a rule.

Then there was Delia….

Mine your business!! Only God can judge!! 100 emoji, fire emoji, poop emoji!!

She brought out all the hoodrat excuse cliches…

There’s nothing more hilarious than people who spend their entire life sinning lecturing other people about God because they got a tattoo of Jesus smoking a blunt on their inner thigh. Shocking that a scholar like this would be a fan of the dog filter.

Never saw that one coming.

After using God to defend her drug dealing friends she was out of ideas, so she tapped in her friend to take over…..

And of course Tyrone’s favorite sportball team is……

Duh.

Unfortunately Tyrone didn’t have his A game either, so other Fitchburg fudgeburgers took over for him…

Ya know what Lolo? I never thought of it that way. We shouldn’t talk crap about drug dealers because God will take care of them. Or Trump. Whoever gets there first.

Oh, and for those of you with kids who are casting judgement…..

It’s true. Lots of great parents watch their kids grow up to be Fitchburg fentanyl dealers. The way you parent your children has absolutely no bearing on the type of adult they grow up to be.

Hey Lolo, spring break Fitchburg looks like it’s gonna hopping this year!

Taylor wasn’t tryna hear that weak sauce either….

Yea guys, stop making an ass of yourself. Sure, she’s defending a heroin dealer on Facebook, but at least she’s not judging other people. Only God can do that.

Wait….he’s gonna be a hip hop star? Never saw that one coming. MC Grammar sure must’ve been wildly successful if he felt the need to own a barber shop that acted as a front for heroin distribution. Oh yea, and he gave out free haircuts to children, just like Ashley Brady from Moms of the South Shore. Therefore they can do pretty much anything and it will all be forgiven.

I also love it when they bust the caps lock out in the middle of a post, and then take it off for the conclusion, like they’re playing schizo good cop-bad cop.

AND DON’T BE SAYIN SHE’S ON WELFARE NEITHER!!!

If you feel the need to say, “I’m not on welfare,” and then say, “But there’s nothing wrong with collectig welfare,” you’re not fooling anyone Taylor. That and the filters kind of gave it away.

Turns out he’s not just a superstar rapper, he’s also a record promoter:

“I’ve known him longer” is the one of the more underrated ratchet excuses. Because apparently growing up in the same neighborhood as a drug dealer miraculously makes them virtuous. Plus, he’s got a rap career going on, and rappers are almost always GREAT people.

Anyway, tomorrow night is Turtleboy Live, broadcasted from Clarence Woods Emerson’s Facebook Page. We’ll be having Mommygyver on as a guest, and if any of these flame broiled Fitchburgians wanna come on and give us a piece of their mind they’re more than welcome to.

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