Kids grow up so fast these days: One second you're changing their diapers, the next you're dropping them off at Sober Living by the Sea.

It wasn't always like this. Teachers and parents argue whether kids are a product of the times or vice versa, but top psychologists and other people who don't have children agree: If they're going to act like adults, treat them like adults. Don't pay for Li'l Madison's morning-after pill -- make her work for it like everyone else. Let them learn the effects of Jose Cuervo on their colon in the ambulance like everyone else. It's called tough love, and it begins with videos like these.

(And just like it takes a village to ruin a child, it takes a village to write a Web column. Have a video you think is worthy of these pages? E-mail it to esquirevideos@gmail.com. If yours is chosen, you will be compensated generously -- with pride. And you can't put a price tag on that. Unless you're on a VH-1 Celebreality show.)

Kids. They're our future. May we teach them well, and let them lead the way. Right to rehab.

GI Jonny

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In this BBC promotional ad for AIDS (against AIDS?), GI Jonny must save Mimsy from the evil clutches of Captain Bareback and his quest for sex with more sensation. By the end of the adventure, Jonny has neutralized Bareback's spooge cannon, thwarted henchmen's attempts at penetrating through the back door, and left Mimsy weak in the knees by whisking her to safety with a wild ride on his chopper (which was well protected, I'm sure). Like George Clooney, GI Jonny is a true American hero.

Japanese Toilet Training

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This can't possibly be the right way to potty train a child. For one thing, unless I'm using a public restroom, I should be the only living thing in the bathroom at all times. No gregarious toilet begging to be used, no fundamentalist poop absurdly comfortable with its own mortality, and most of all no parents cheering me on like 70-year-old chorus girls. For another, make sure you watch all the way to the end. It's a shocker. (Not that kind.)

British TV Show "Rainbow"

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It's important that kids understand the powerful effects music can have on their lives. Just like Slash and Kid Rock, music can land you a lot of pussy. And friends. And that's exactly what kids will learn from this video if they watch it with their British Humor Decoder ring.

Kids Incorporated

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There comes a time in every child's life when they must learn about the birds and the bees. And who better to teach them then a group of naive kids covering a bad '80s song. Their message is clear: When a guy takes you out to a nice dinner and pays for your ticket to Beverly Hills Cop II, you owe him something. Exercise. Like maybe some light jump rope or boxing. Maybe a little jazzercise. I'm guessing the exercise leaves you too winded to refuse the date-rape portion of the night.

Gali the Alligator

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It's time for kids to understand what kind of shit goes down in the swamp. It's survival of the fittest. Barney the Overweight Dinosaur wouldn't have lasted five minutes if he wasn't gentrified by all those white kids. In fact, let's have Gali and Barney engage in a jungle war. There will be three competitions: singing, dancing, and a fight to the death. I'll take Gali and the under.

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