AS PER NORMAL

It was a great weekend for the Arsenal, who scored two goals at Manchester United in the league for the first time since 1985 and were a Robin van Persie penalty away from the heady heights of notching three, a feat not achieved since 1971. A season-defining performance, and one that allowed Arsene Wenger to slip into a post-match state of serenity: according to reports, he sat in the Old Trafford dressing room after the game in total silence, lost in the moment, staring blankly at the walls, no doubt letting wave after blissful wave of satisfaction crash over him, his wholesale commitment to progressive attacking football having once again been completely vindicated.

This pioneer refuses to stand still, though. Like all the great managers, Wenger can spot minor flaws which the untrained eye of the average punter misses, and to this end is about to improve on perfection with the £10m capture of Per Mertesacker. The 6ft 6in German international is a class act: the captain of Werder Bremen, he was the senior figure in a defence that was one of only four to concede 60 or more goals in last season's Bundesliga. But that's not really the point.

Most important, of course, is Mertesacker's attacking potency: dangerous at set pieces, he's scored 19 Bundesliga goals since his top-flight debut for Hanover in 2003. At nearly 2.4 goals per season, that's a rate not far off established top-class strikers such as Marouanne Chamakh or Nicklas Bendtner. A couple of training sessions with Wenger and this guy will be the new Gerd Muller for sure (although even better, one would assume, as Muller shoddily insisted on taking shots at goal without pausing to consider aesthetics, or whether an attempt could be made to slowly walk the ball into the net instead).

Mertesacker is due to have a medical late this afternoon, though getting an appointment with Arsenal's quack might prove tricky, as most of the squad are camped out in his waiting room hoping to get some of those special boxes of Nurofen Plus that really take the edge off the old central nervous system. The feelgood factor at the Emirates doesn't stop there, either. Striker Park Chu-young of newly-relegated Monaco has already joined today, as will Brazilian full-back Andre Santos, who is all about bombing down the wing and scoring goals and leaving acres of grass behind him, and will be fresh and raring to go having come from Fenerbahce, where he won't have played a competitive game in quite a while. It's a great time to be a Gunner, and it's going to get even better!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It started on Facebook. I never had an account and people were telling me they were speaking to me on it. It wouldn't be so bad if the person concerned was being friendly and nice, but he was being quite abusive, especially to females. There was a lot of $exual stuff being mentioned. I'm engaged and I don't want to go into it. But it was quite ruthless and my girlfriend didn't believe it wasn't me" – Bolton's Chris Eagles reveals the trouble with social media imposters.

HUMBER PIE

The Fiver has always had a keen sense of sympathy for those who have been mocked or belittled just because of who they are – no doubt based on its own everyday experiences of being mocked, belittled, jostled at the bus stop by tracksuited youths, told to wait outside and keep the door shut no sir I said shut, not to sleep in the dairy products aisle, etc. With this in mind it is no great surprise to hear that Grimsby have finally cracked. All those slights, all those references to a micro-climate composed annually of 365 cold wet Tuesday nights: Grimsby is finally striking back, in the shape of Grimsby Town manager Rob Scott, who has been caught on film responding in inspired fashion to criticism from fans after Saturday's 2-1 home defeat by Darlington.

"We're doing the effing best we can! If you don't like it, don't effing come!" Scott told a group of supporters, in the process giving voice to an entire army of seaside people tired of being held up as the epitome of the inhospitable dark heart of English football, a Don't-Like-It-up'-em place of pilgrimage, a Lourdes for the macho traditionalist, each one of these Grimsby-istas presumably rising behind Scott defiantly to announce in a Humber brogue "I'm Grimsby" … "I'm Grimsby" … " I'm Grimsby" … "I'm Grimsby – and if you don't like it, don't effing come."

Scott has duly received the semi-backing of his chairman John Fenty. "The club cannot condone Rob's actions but commend his passion and desire to progress this club," Fenty smarmed, somehow muddling up "passion" with "telling people to eff off". "I have to show my hand," Fenty added, showing his hand. "Over the years I have been sickened to the core at how some small sections (repeat small sections) of the fans have baited and singled out certain players and managers."

At which point, the Fiver wonders whether other clubs with similarly "vocal" fanbases might learn from Scott's approach. In particular from his follow up zinger: "I tell you what. Put your hand in your pocket and buy another player! We ain't got no effing money!" This would certainly make a refreshing alternative to "we will buy if the right player is available at the right price" or "you'll have to ask the chairman" or "the PLC is currently undergoing a debt re-structuring that may free up a raft of funding for the football product end of the business in the third quarter of 2018." And if this is too much to hope for, at least football has finally said it. You're all consumers now. You have a choice. Why not change your team if you feel another franchise's brand is more suitable to your aspirations? Why not just pack it in altogether and go ice skating or visit an owl sanctuary? Hold on. The Fiver's just getting its coat.

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FIVER LETTERS

"I write to the Fiver given you have slightly more clout in these matters than the FA. May I suggest that the summer transfer window need only be two days, 10 minutes and 30 seconds long? I propose the window should open on 1 July for 24 hours, thus allowing Man Utd to tie up their signings. The window would then remain shut until 31 August, when it reopens to allow all the other transfers to actually take place. This won't just allow fans and journos an easier summer, it will also stop Man City buying every player any club really wants. The extra 10 minutes is for Spurs to unjam the fax machine and panic-buy another mediocre striker. The remaining 30 seconds is for the bleary-eyed hack relaying all this nonsense to wonder why anyone still uses a fax machine" – Ed Gostelow.

"I was horrified to turn on Fox Soccer TV channel yesterday in Atlanta and be confronted with an anemic AC Jimbo talking without moving his mouth (courtesy of Skype video). While he had his usual witty but boring Italian nuggets to share, it was a disturbing image which won't do him any favours this side of the pond" – David Lloyd [rather that than Ashley Young's Skype channel – Fiver Ed].

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

Welcome to Manchester (City's medical centre). According to reports, Owen Hargreaves is set to emulate Carlos Tevez – only without the goals and playing games bit – and follow up a spell at Old Trafford with a big fat contract at Manchester City.

Arsenal fans: you know when you look at pictures of your ex's new life on Facebook with their new, better-looking squeeze who claims to be Chris Eagles, and start sobbing to yourself? Well … Cesc Fabregas described playing with Lionel Messi as "awesome" after he scored on his Barcelona debut. "It's a pleasure playing with him," Fabregas swooned. "You know you can give him the ball at any moment and he'll decide the match on his own." Click here for pictures of the happy couple.

Robert Green has withdrawn from the England squad, leaving Joe Hart, Fatty Foulkes and Jimmy Grimblethorpe from Year 8 as Fabio Capello's only fit keepers.

Man pays large amount of money for the right to visit Birmingham, part one in a series of one: Carson Yeung has been granted bail to leave Hong Kong and visit Birmingham City.

And after watching his Villarreal side destroyed 5-0 by a Barcelona team with one recognised defender, president Fernando Roig reckons the only conclusion is that Spanish football is dying. "If [Real Madrid and Barcelona] only want to have two matches, let them have two matches, but this isn't good for football," he sobbed. "I give it three or four years. Either this changes or we kill Spanish football."

STILL WANT MORE?

Not another video about Chester FC?

"Cesc phone home". Barcelona's new midfielder stars as ET, the Prodigal Son and Kate Winslet in this week's Gallery.

A new study shows that in football age isn't everything when it comes to success, says Jonathan Wilson, in a blog that includes the best ever starting sentence in the history of blogs.

Wayne Rooney eclipsed not only Arsenal but his teenage self with a virtuoso display, writes Richard Williams.

And Arsene Wenger is in danger of being swept aside in the spate of cash unleashed by Chelsea and Manchester City, fears Kevin McCarra. Which for some reason gives the Fiver images of the Arsenal manager thrashing about in that big dome at the end of the Crystal Maze.

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FARCE HEAPED UPON FARCE