According to a post on NASASpacePlace, everything we thought we knew about the influence the heavens have over our Earthly lives has been thrown into chaos. NASA has announced that the celestial sphere above us contains not twelve canonical zodiacal constellations, but 13. The heretofore overlooked constellation, Ophiuchus, is purported to guide and command events surrounding humans born between November 29 and December 17—so, if you used to be a Sagittarius, then congratulations: you’ve got a new sign, baby!

The addition of Ophiuchus—the snake bearer, in case you were wondering—has obvious and far-reaching implications for the entire western Babylonian-derived zodiac calendar. For one thing, squeezing it in means changing the effective dates of all the other signs. According to Yahoo News, the new 13-sign calendar plays out like this:

Capricorn: January 20-February 16

January 20-February 16 Aquarius: February 16-March 11

February 16-March 11 Pisces: March 11-April 18

March 11-April 18 Aries: April 18-May 13

April 18-May 13 Taurus: May 13-June 21

May 13-June 21 Gemini: June 21-July 20

June 21-July 20 Cancer: July 20-August 10

July 20-August 10 Leo: August 10-September 16

August 10-September 16 Virgo: September 16-October 30

September 16-October 30 Libra: October 30-November 23

October 30-November 23 Scorpio: November 23-November 29

November 23-November 29 Ophiuchus: November 29-December 17

November 29-December 17 Sagittarius: December 17-January 20

The changes are as sweeping as they are staggering. For example, I woke up this morning firmly believing that I was an outgoing, courageous, independent, generous Leo. However, now I have to come to grips with the fact that I am in fact a stupid, sulky, inconsiderate, pessimistic Cancer. I have gone from lion to crab, and it weighs heavily upon me.

Other Ars staffers suffered similar crises. “I became a goat,” explained Tech Culture Editor Annalee Newitz, “which is way worse than a crab.”

Some, though, seemed excited by the realization that new stars would define their destiny. “I’m an Ophiuchus!!!!” cried senior IT reporter Jon Brodkin with four exclamation marks. He further commented, “YES!”

Still others appeared nonplussed. “The horoscope divides the year into 12 roughly equal portions,” explained Ars Buzzkill McDownypants Peter Bright. “It has nothing to do with the constellations anyway.” Shortly after that, Peter Bright was killed by a falling piano because he failed to heed the warning signs clearly written in the heavens.

A word for all seasons

So what are we to do with the new sign? How do we integrate it into our lives, now that the celestial guideposts by which we should make all important business and personal decisions have been moved? Fear not: we’ve consulted our own resources—including our bewildered, angry Senior Science Editor Dr. John Timmer, who foolishly denies the stars’ influence over mankind’s daily goings-on and risks an unbeliever's fate similar to that of Peter Bright. We've come up with some starter horoscopes to get you headed into the new 13-constellation era on the right foot.

Capricorn: Stop putting off digging up your yard to look for treasure—there’s definitely something down there. Get a shovel and get going. Seize the day!

Aquarius: This is the dawning of your age! Tell your boss what you really think of him or her and be the change you want to see in the world! Also, be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions.

Pisces: They know. They all know. Run.

Aries: It’s time to invest in yourself by changing everything about you that you don’t like. And also everything you do like. In fact, just become someone else entirely.

Taurus: Never settle with being a base model Taurus. Embrace your inner SHO and blow life’s doors off!

Gemini: True to your dual nature, it’s possible that you actually do indeed have a second evil conjoined twin inside you. See a doctor.

Cancer: You’re going to get some news that’s going to be difficult to hear, but look on the bright side: you won’t have to worry about it for very long!

Leo: In the jungle, you roar tonight! The stars say that your risks will be rewarded, so get out there and take some! Punch a stranger in a bar! Go BASE jumping! The only thing holding you back is you!

Virgo: Oooh. Yeah, this one’s pretty bad. Better stay indoors. Seriously, don’t go outside for like four weeks and definitely avoid any and all Libras.

Libra: Great news! It’s open season on Virgos! Their sign has angered the stars, and you are the hand of divine retribution! Get out there and bag some while the getting’s good!

Scorpio: Signs point to financial blessings coming up soon! Or…wait, that might be financial ruination. I can’t tell if I’m reading this thing upside down or not.

Ophiuchus: So, do you like snakes? I hope you like snakes. Because… well, let’s just say you’ve got some snakes in your immediate future.

Sagittarius: Your clumsy nature will assert itself soon. This will either lead to you bumping into the love of your life in a celestially ordained meet-cute, or someone you accidentally nudge on the sidewalk will pummel your face in.

Picking up the pieces Pisces

In spite of the undeniable effect the position of the stars has on everything, certain members of the so-called scientific community continue to deny astrology's efficacy in foretelling all events. “It's not science,” claims NASA, in spite of the fact that the government agency spends billions of taxpayer dollars to study outer space. “No one has shown that astrology can be used to predict the future or describe what people are like based only on their birth date.”

Yahoo has a much more nuanced take on the state of astrology after the addition of Ophiuchus to the western zodiac: “You may now proceed to enter into a full-blown panic attack.”

This is solid advice. Of course, even if you think you can make peace with Ophiuchus’ intrusion into your calculations when you tote up your fate, it doesn’t really matter. As noted by NASA, “Other cultures and traditions have recognized as many as 24 constellations in the zodiac.” The only solution is to subscribe to dozens of supermarket tabloid magazines from around the world and attempt to heed all the advice given in each of them. As a wise man once said, it’s the only way to be sure.