Hi, I’m Barackitt Obromney, and I’m running for President.

I’m very qualified for this position. I graduated from Harvard, and I already ran once in 2008. I have a few years of experience in executive government, too. In fact, the last time I was in charge I signed a health care bill that required everyone in my jurisdiction to purchase health insurance.

I support the NDAA, which keeps you safe by giving me the power to put you in prison indefinitely without a trial – but don’t worry, I promise not to use it. I support the TSA, because nothing says “freedom” like legalized sexual harassment for everyday citizens.

I support the Patriot Act and all the other ways the federal government has tried to spy on its citizens, and if elected I probably won’t change any of the things the last few administrations have done, whether it’s pushing for backdoors into emails and cell phone networks or trying to expand wiretapping without warrants.

I certainly don’t intend to stop avoiding judicial review or oversight wherever possible. America has always been a leader, and I am determined to keep us on the forefront of the new drone technology. I don’t really support those misguided attempts to keep the Internet “free” and “open,” either. I might signal dissatisfaction with a censorship bill, but if it came down to it, I would probably sign it with reservations.

A majority of Americans may now be in favor of legalizing marijuana, but I’m definitely not one of them. If we just spend a few more hundreds of millions of dollars and figure out a few more ways to invade your privacy, I think we just might be able to finally win the War on Drugs.

I’m a big fan of letting the government spend lots of money to do lots of things. My budget proposals involve adding trillions of dollars to the national debt over the next decade – and those are just the rosy projections! But don’t worry, my plan will definitely save the economy, and if it doesn’t, I’ll just blame my political opponents in Congress.

But no matter what happens, I definitely want to increase the defense budget, just in case spending as much money as the rest of the world combined isn’t enough. After all, just like the last couple of presidents, I may need to invade or bomb a few more countries. I don’t care if I do it unconstitutionally, because only my political opponents will notice, and you know how they are.

I’m currently holding lots of expensive fundraisers to help finance my campaign, and if elected I will probably appoint many of my top bundlers to posts in my administration. I definitely haven’t made a commitment not to, and I may have already done it quite a bit. I will probably give other posts to former lobbyists. I may have actually made a commitment about that in the past, but I may have broken it already.

I could go on, but I don’t want to bore you. As I’m out on the campaign trail, uttering political clichés to try to convince you that I care about you, I may stumble on a poor choice of words. The media will focus on that phrase for several days, avoiding real discussion of my policies or my executive record. But that’s OK – believe me, you don’t want to look at my record!

I’ll spend the next few months debating myself and trying to convince you of how different I am from me and how important it is that you vote for me instead of me. Whatever you do, don’t you dare think about voting third-party. If you don’t vote for me, you’re just helping me win.

Thank you, and God Bless America.