Since leaving the church, the one question I have been asked more than any other is how I ignore or explain my spiritual experiences that convinced me to join the LDS church. After all, I chose to join. Believe me, I gave this a lot of consideration before I made any decisions. In order to better explain this, I need to give a little background. Most importantly, I need to be honest. The things I am going to write are very hard to admit and actually quite embarrassing but it all needs to be said. Honesty brings healing, right??

Growing up a non-Mormon in Utah was quite an adventure. Religion was not a big part of my life so I had no way to understand how involved most Mormons are in their church. I never understood why nobody could play on Sunday, or why everyone went to the church on Tuesday nights for primary (revealing my age). I actually remember asking a friend what the CTR stood for on her new shiny silver and green ring. She told me I couldn’t know because I wasn’t a Mormon. Don’t get me wrong, my friends were great and as an only child, they were so very important to me. I just always felt a little on the outside of everything.

After my parents got divorced I spiraled out of control. To say I was wild is an understatement. My early teen years were filled with decisions and activities that got me involved with friends that were as dumb as I was! I won’t go into detail but I am actually surprised I made it out without any permanent damage!!

By my sophomore year, I was exhausted. I didn’t want to live my life like that anymore. I started to straighten up and find different friends. More and more I started to find myself hanging out with Mormons. Again, they were great friends but I still felt like I was on the fringe.

My junior year in high school my life began to change. I met and started dating a senior boy and I fell hard! He was a very active Mormon as were his group of friends. In fact they had a nickname, The Bible Boys. At first, I felt a little uncomfortable around this group because quite honestly, I didn’t feel good enough. I had a lot of regrets from my earlier decisions and it affected my self worth.

i’m not really sure how he introduced me to the church but eventually it became a big topic of conversation. His family began to get involved and I spent a lot of time talking about the church (especially with his mom). His family took me in and made me feel like I belonged. They were so kind to me and I wanted what they had. I think I began to associate the church with a big happy family that I desired more than anything.

Later into my junior year I was ready to meet with the missionaries. We joked that I was probably the only person in Utah that had to contact them rather than the other way around. Wow, I loved my missionaries!! They were so funny and sweet and kind. I formed a bond with them that added to the happiness of this whole experience. I don’t remember much about the lessons, a little Joseph Smith, plan of salvation, first vision, etc…The one topic that hooked me was the thought of eternal marriage and eternal families. I was 16 and in love and the thought of being with this boy forever was so romantic. My desire for a family, especially one I could be with forever was exactly what I craved!!!!

The missionaries taught me that I should pray and ask for a witness if the church was true. They explained that I would know if I felt peaceful and had the “warm fuzzies”. One night I gave it a try. I had never prayed that way before, actually speaking to God like a real conversation. I begged him to tell me the church was true. I wanted it to be true so badly. I wanted to be a part of it. I finished, and felt nothing. I waited…and waited…and waited. Nothing. I gave up and went to sleep unbelievably disappointed. Self doubt crept back in. Maybe I wasn’t good enough after all. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought of my prayer. I again begged God to let it be true and I started to feel something. I felt happy and peaceful. Looking back now I have figured out what it was. I WAS happy. I had the boy of my dreams, a “family” that I was a part of, new friends who were supporting me and the chance to belong somewhere. I never asked if the church was true, I begged for God to tell me it was. I am sure that I convinced myself that it was an “answer” because it was what I wanted so badly.

I let everyone know I wanted to be baptized. Word spread quickly!! Different people at school started talking to me and congratulating me. Young Women leaders started bringing me cookies. Everyone was so happy, and so was I. This was everything I had ever wanted.

The week before my baptism I met with the missionaries for the final time. They warned me that Satan would attempt to get me to change my mind and scare me away. They told me that he went after the really strong spirits because they would hurt his cause the most. I was ready!!!

The night before my baptism we had a school dance. I attended with my boyfriend and we ended up fighting all night. I don’t remember what about but you should see our pictures…no smiles to be found!! This was not what I wanted because he was baptizing me the next day and I wanted everything to be perfect. After the dance we went to a friends house to hang out. Things were still tense and I was determined to change it. We got in the hot tub and I asked him to show me how he was going to hold my arms and hands when he baptized me the next day. Now, this is where my story gets embarrassing and I just ask that you remember that I was a 16 year old girl that was desperate to belong and to feel loved. I thought of what the missionaries had told me and I ran with it. I started to pretend like I had a bad feeling. I expressed that maybe I shouldn’t be baptized. Again my feelings of inadequacy started to creep in. Why hadn’t Satan tried to stop me? Was I not one of the strong spirits that he would fight against? I started to cry and actually convinced myself that this was really happening. I started to scare everyone that was with us and I really feel horrible about that. Someone had the idea to give me a priesthood blessing and I agreed. Immediately after the blessing I convinced everyone that I was fine and that I had felt this darkness leave me during the blessing. It was such a spiritual experience for everyone involved and it was all a lie concocted by a girl that was desperate for attention. I still feel so horrible for behaving that way. I am not proud of what I did.

The baptism day came and it was everything I dreamed of and more. So many people came. I finally had what I wanted, to belong somewhere. I was convinced the church was true. I had never been so happy.

Why do I share this embarrassing story? I convinced myself that I was feeling things that weren’t there. I wanted this so badly that I made myself “feel the spirit”. I have wondered if that is why you hear of so many converts that don’t have a stable family or home situation or are just plain lonely that embrace the church. I am telling you, it is an instant group of friends and family when you become a Mormon. Ward members, neighbors, church leaders all welcome you with opened arms. I was willing to change my entire life based on this without really knowing a thing about the gospel, the history of the church, the doctrine or anything other than the basic “fluffy stuff” included in the missionary discussions. I based my entire testimony on “feelings” rather than facts. When I discovered truths that convinced me that the church was not what it claimed to be, what I thought it was, I had to leave my “feelings” out of it. Facts cannot be overridden by feelings and I know that the majority of active Mormons would not agree with me on this. I have learned that I can feel the “spirit” just about anywhere. I always feel the “warm fuzzies” when I serve someone or watch my kids do something great but that is not how I discern fact from fiction. My goodness, sometimes I tear up over McDonald’s commercials even though I know the food isn’t good for me!!. It is completely unreliable.

I owe so many people an apology including those who were involved in my conversion as well as those whom I have shared my conversion story with, whether in person, in a lesson or over the pulpit, If any of you come across this blog, please know how very sorry I am that I deceived you. I am ashamed by my behavior and wish I could take it back.

Do I regret joining the Mormon church? Yes and no. I feel completely duped and actually a bit embarrassed that I believed it for so long. I wish I could go back and base life altering decisions on facts rather than feelings. HOWEVER, and it’s a big however, I would have never met my amazing husband of 23 years and possibly would not have had all (or any) of my four beautiful kids. I would never change those things. They are my whole world. I just hope the church (and especially the missionary program) will become more transparent and upfront with the “hard stuff”. I feel like it is a lie of omission by not giving all of the information up front to give prospective converts a chance to make informed decisions. I wish I would have been given that opportunity.