Hello students, parents, university staff and other creatures as closely related to apes as I am. This is a gentle reminder that I, the dean of your wonderful university, am not a genetically enhanced squirrel in a high tech mechanical human suit.

Any rumors you may have heard contradicting this proclamation were made with misinformation and/or out of pure spite for my position of power. Regardless, I would like to clear some things up so there is no more confusion in regards to my thoroughly ape-related ancestry.

First: my body is my business. It is surprising to me that, in a world where body positivity is so heavily discussed, my corporeal form is so often critiqued. When I was young and saw a billowing, fuzzy tail emerging from a completely normal homo sapien’s shirt collar, it was considered impolite to point it out, but apparently etiquette is dead.

Second: the “no-dogs-and/or-other-medium-to-large-omnivores-or-carnivores-that-feed-on-small-mammals” rule in my office is purely in place because of my allergies. But even if it wasn’t, dogs are a completely valid fear. They are large (compared to some things such as squirrels and other small things that I cannot think of at the moment) and also loud and scary. I only say this as not to demean any students, faculty or other fellow hominids who may be afraid of dogs.

However, if a classmate or staff member tells you that they saw me hiding in a tree in order to get away from a vicious canine, they are misinformed. I simply enjoy time spent in nature. This sort of misconception is common as many are jealous of my climbing prowess (which, although impressive, is well within the range of human ability).

Lastly, I have heard that students and staff alike have been mocking my food-storage conventions. I would like to clarify that inside the pockets of your cheeks is a very convenient and completely valid place to store sustenance. In fact, I’m surprised that the highly educated populace at this fine establishment has not yet embraced this trend. I’m sure it will soon become common practice. That is all for now.

Thank you,

Your human dean of the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign

P.S. It is incredibly impolite to mimic throwing motions (as if one has tossed small delicacies such as raisins or shelled peanuts) when, in fact, one has not tossed any such treats. I am disheartened that our students, the future of this world, would take part in such devastatingly fraudulent practices. Please consider the malicious nature of your actions before conspiring to commit such deeds.