1) Be polite and smile your brains out, but let the bartender flirt first. Always provide a number, never ask for one.

2) Decide what you will order on the drive to the bar. Eye contact is key, never wave money to get attention.

3) Vodka and Coke? That better be a joke.

4) If a song is longer than five minutes, save it for the blacklights and the basement. If the song is Meatloaf, congrats on your gender reassignment surgery. Your mother and I still love you just the same.

5) Buy someone a drink because you want to drink with that person. It’s a sign of respect and enjoyment. Never do it for the sake of reciprocation and never expect something in return.

6) “Sorry, I was drunk,” is never an excuse. Ever.

7) Never get to the point of throwing up. If it accidentally happens, it better be in the bar bathroom. If you’re in the bathroom, always in the toilet - never in the sink or urinal. If there is mess in any way, shape or form, grab a mop. It is nobody’s job to clean up your bodily fluids. Did your friend throw up? Someone in your party is responsible for clean-up.

8) Friends can talk friends out of driving when they shouldn’t. Real friends listen. Reoccurring problem? Reevaluate your friendship.

9) Blended drink? You better have sand between your toes, mister.

10) A proper White Russian is made at home. Never trust bar dairy.

11) There is no shame in getting punched if you are conspicuously trying to break up a fight. Fight between two women? Tread lightly, your role could get misconstrued. Additionally, it would be wise to head to another establishment.

12) Never bet on pool.

13) Did they turn up the lights? Go home. Don’t offer to help stock or clean; it looks desperate and you are probably getting in the way.

14) No politics. No religion.

15) It is safer to lick a urinal cake than it is to eat bar-top snack mix.

16) Always know the ingredients. Shots have many different names and chances are that the bartender doesn’t know what it is outside of the normal realm of shots (Bend Me Overs, Red Snappers, et al). If you give him/her the ingredients, there is a strong chance that they even know how to portion it correctly based off of the ingredients chosen. Lots of mixers? You better be ordering a round for the table and not an individual shot.

17) Never drop a drink into a drink. Never light anything on fire. Never slam your shot glass on the bar.

18) Alcohol doesn’t do certain things to certain people. If somebody claims that tequila makes them violent, it’s because they’re a violent person. Simple as that.

19) Make your own toasts. Sentimentality is good. Honesty is good. Poignant is good. Repeating what somebody else said is a quote, not a toast.

20) Compared to life, loss or lock down, cabs are virtually free.