The following list is an effort to rank the estimated net worths of Barstool Sports wealthiest employees. It is based entirely on conjecture. And some evidence. One time, I found a list of employee salaries sitting on the printer. And by printer, I mean in a locked filing cabinet in Erika’s office. And by in Erika’s office, I mean Dave’s apartment. In a file marked “TOP SECRET.” It was written in Spanish. But it was only numbers. The Spanish “code” was pointless.

1. Willie Colon

Estimated net worth: $11 million

Willie’s long and decorated NFL career puts him at the top spot. At first I would have estimated his net worth around $9 million, but then I saw him listed on celebrity net worth:

Celebrity Net Worth- William Colón Net Worth: William Colón is a Nuyorican (New York-born Puerto Rican) salsa musician and social activist who has a net worth of $2 million. William Colón was born April 28, 1950 in The Bronx, New York City, New York. He began his career as a trombonist, but also sings, writes, produces and acts.

To think he made a cool $2 million playing the trombone, while also playing in the NFL, is truly remarkable. Thank goodness though. I’ve been to night clubs with him and he still spends as though he’s collecting that trombone money every week. Some day, he’ll have to adjust to a quieter life. I just hope his lung power sustains him long enough to meet a trustworthy financial adviser.

2. Dave Portnoy

Estimated net worth: -$200,000 to $10 million

At one time, Portnoy might have been on his way to the real Forbes list. Instead, he sponsored his bookie Jeff Bezos, who is now the richest man on earth. Amazon is a shell company for Bezos’ gambling operation. Meanwhile, Dave’s gambling PnL chart looks like the stock of MySpace. He’s also the benefactor behind a generous scholarship called the “Cool Girl” fund. The scholarship can be used by one lucky recipient for an all-expenses paid membership to any local cycling gym. And like the bikes, she’s not going anywhere! Right? Guys??

3. Erika Nardini

Estimated net worth: $6 million

As CEO of Barstool Sports, Nardini’s net worth is tied to the value of the company. Since Nardini took the wheel a few years ago, the company’s valuation has multiplied at least 5x. Pretty impressive results from a Colby grad, which is not an Ivy League school or even close. Perhaps that motivated her. This writeup will end now in the interest of the author’s self-preservation. What a strong, pioneering leader that Nardini is.

4. Call Her Daddy

Estimated net worth: $1,000,000 each

Alexandra Cooper and Sofia Franklyn soared up the earnings ranks on the success of their hit podcast. Also, neither woman has ever accrued any debt as their lifestyles are funded by pushover doctors, bankers, and the occasional MLB pitcher. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In their case, a thousand pictures are worth a top podcast.

5. Big Cat

Estimated net worth: $999,999

Like Portnoy, Big Cat would easily be in the millionaires club if not for his gambling problem. He doesn’t spend money on lavish clothing, expensive haircuts, or personal trainers. In fact, he doesn’t appear to spend any money on clothing of any kind, preferring instead to root through an ever-growing donation bin behind his desk for whatever smells new-ish. Rumor has it he cuts his own hair in the reflection of a van window using a pair of squiggly scissors he lifted from a teen during a Pardon My Take autograph signing. He saw a personal trainer once but walked out of the session when the trainer joked about his perpetual bra tan. And yet, gambling keeps him a day late and a dollar short. There is always next year’s Christmas unders…

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After that, you’ve got PFT, KFC, and KMarko. They make smart financial decisions and invest in their futures blah blah blah. Beyond that, everyone is scraping by. It’s uncomfortable. For everyone on this list, bagel Monday is a cheat day; for everyone else, it’s an eat day.

PS- I intentionally omitted my name from this list because it’s uncouth to discuss one’s personal means.