Starbucks will expand its evening alcohol and light bites menu, which includes bacon-wrapped dates and Malbec wine, to thousands of stores, Chief Operating Officer Troy Alstead said in a phone interview…“We’ve tested it long enough in enough markets—this is a program that works.”

—Bloomberg, March 19, 2014

BARISTA: Hello, sir, and welcome to Starbucks. How may I help you?

CUSTOMER: Hi, could I have a medium coffee, please?

BARISTA: You could do that, but perhaps I could interest you in an item from our new Evenings menu instead? It’s been quite popular with many of our market-research testing groups.

CUSTOMER: What’s on the menu? I don’t really love the big frappa-whatever things, to be honest.

BARISTA: Frappucino, sir. The menu is actually more alcohol-oriented—we serve beers and wines that we have handcrafted at the Starbucks vineyard factory. Just kidding—that’s a joke I like to tell. We buy them from real breweries and vineyards. Maybe I could get you a venti glass of Malbec?

CUSTOMER: Oh, I’m just here to do work, actually.

BARISTA: You look like a creative kind of guy. Lots of famous creative people drank a lot when they were working—Kerouac, Capote, Dylan Thomas, even. Don’t you want to be like them?

CUSTOMER: Weren’t all of their deaths alcohol related?

BARISTA: We can’t be sure.

CUSTOMER: I thought Dylan Thomas died while he was at a bar in New York.

BARISTA: We like to think that if he was alive today he’d choose to die at Starbucks, enjoying the Starbucks Evenings menu.

CUSTOMER: I’m still not convinced that I want a drink rather than a coffee.

BARISTA: What is a drink, even? We’re trying to break down barriers and unnecessary taboos in the beverage industry.

CUSTOMER: A drink contains alcohol. A coffee does not.

BARISTA: Ah, but what about an Irish Coffee?

CUSTOMER: That’s a coffee that someone puts alcohol into, making it a drink.

BARISTA: I think you’re starting to come around to the idea. Or am I misreading?

CUSTOMER: You are. I still don’t understand the concept—why would I want to get drunk at a Starbucks? Why wouldn’t I just go to a bar?

BARISTA: Can you be a complete douche and sit, typing on your laptop and only ordering one drink, all night at a bar?

CUSTOMER: Conceivably I could, but I’d rather not.

BARISTA: Voilà! Here you can do that without feeling guilty.

CUSTOMER: Any other reason?

BARISTA: We also have food options on our Evenings menu!

CUSTOMER: Not to sound rude, but the last time I got a bagel here you cut it in half vertically and gave me a frozen pack of cream cheese. Also, your sandwiches look like someone carried them in their back pocket for a day before they’re put out on display.

BARISTA: Cutting a bagel in an untraditional way is exactly what an untraditional company like Starbucks does to shake things up. The way that bagel was cut is a perfect metaphor for our Evenings menu.

CUSTOMER: O.K., so, what’s on the Evenings food menu?

BARISTA: Bacon-wrapped dates, for starters.

CUSTOMER: I guess that sounds like it might not be bad? Also, if I were here with a girl, I could always make a lame joke about eating dates on a date, and then figure out if she thought we were actually on a date.

BARISTA: Exactly—the focus groups came up with the same idea for a joke. And, if you’d like to make the evening even more romantic, we also have chocolate fondue that you can share with your spouse-to-be!

CUSTOMER: I’m sorry, the bacon dates might work for a casual drink, but Starbucks isn’t really what comes to mind when I think of lasting romance. I can’t envisage falling in love under lights as bright as this.

BARISTA: Actually, if you take a closer look, we have put dimmers on all of the lights to improve the atmosphere. Put that in your lasting romance and drink it!

CUSTOMER: You’re right, it is a bit darker than usual. Wait a minute, are those … used coffee filters that you’ve taped over the light bulbs? Isn’t that a fire hazard?

BARISTA: A grande coffee you wanted, right? Shall I leave room for milk?

Photograph: Newscast Limited/AP