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How the chicken got autism, sound baths and people who are too lazy to do drugs, the endless consumption of sustainability, Girl Scout cookies are a big fat scam, Nick Monroe and Operation Chokepoint, the start of the Great Virgin Race, Null from Kiwi Farms talks about Jessica Yaniv, the woman who wanted her balls waxed, screen time trackers, international honey pots, Crippled Jesus wants to box Digibro, and my dad’s bidet stalemate; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The Great Virgin Race of 2019 has begun. It’s the only podcast-based reality show in which every contestant is a winner! And that you want to lose as quickly as possible. Join us this week as I explain the rules to our contestants. One, no jerking off on Friday. That’s right, Fap Free Friday. Two, no beating off on Friday! And three, if you are in this contest, you must fuck. Join us in the coming months as we race to the hole and take our virgins on a sexual adventure of failure and gamesmanship in the ultimate conquest. But first…

I have never understood acts of martyrdom and I’m sure I never will. If I’m honest, it’s probably because I would have to eventually explain it to my father, and he would look at me as if to say, “I think you’re leaving a part of the story out because these actions don’t make any sense.” And they wouldn’t. And I would be leaving a part of the story out. My ego.

Maybe we should make a game out of it, a mobile game. Kill Yourself to Own the Devil. Wherein you spend hours throwing a virtual you–crafted meticulously in the Virtual You Creator by your girlfriend for the longest twenty minutes of your life just after you plug in your brand new gaming machine–against a wall or into a pit of lava to score Not Points in the conquest of evil. How many Not Points do you need to Own the Devil? We may never know. No one’s scored enough yet.

And maybe the complexity of the sacrifice will increase over time. Like Portal 2! Great game. Great script. It can be done! Instead of just tossing yourself into lava, maybe you’ll sit in a room and make virtual money and then throw that into lava. Level up and you can addict your character to drugs or engage in risky promiscuous sexual acts or get them into a virtual relationship with another virtual character only to callously destroy it when your base impulse meter reaches its maximum. The cut scene for that will probably get repetitive after a while.

You’ll be able to play a level where you take a loosely defined stand against censorship–censorship being done by the Devil–after equipping muh principles and by throwing money into an inferno while the landscape changes around you because you can’t see what’s under the bottom of the screen and really, you never thought to look. And you can press X to charge up your machismo meter and virtual people will shout slogans at you until you run out of lives.

I don’t know exactly what this game will look like. I’m just describing something that seems like it would be satisfying to play. Gratifying for no purpose other than fantasy and the glorious and simplistic indulgence of atavism, escapism from a life spent in the inglorious compromise of survival. It could be a fun game, but the story would probably ruin it.

“Sanctions Battle Rap” by MCMC



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This thumbnail/infographic explaining how chickens get autism by HeHeSillyComics.

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