American.

Cottage.

Muenster.

Gouda.

Chevre.

Feta.

Chedder.

Swiss.

Of the many cheeses available, none more accurately resembles – and feels like? – the many penetrable female orifices than Swiss. And that’s why a fat man terrorizing Mayfair has chosen it as his masturbation dairy product of choice.

You may have heard recent news about The Swiss Cheese pervert, the man who allegedly rides around Mayfair and other parts of the city exposing himself to women and offering them money to watch him put Swiss cheese on his privates. Here’s what the Mayfair Town Watch posted on their Facebook page [via Philly Mag]:

Good Morning Mayfair! Please be aware of the Swiss Cheese Pervert! This individual is driving around surrounding communities and exposes himself to women. He offers them money to watch him put swiss cheese on his privates. He is a white, heavy set male, 40-50 years old. He drives a newer model silver sedan. He was also spotted in a black newer model sedan. If you see this guy, don’t confront him. Get his plate number and call 911 immediately!!! We have passed all the information to the 15th PD.

It is the cover story in the Daily News today, and that’s where we learned that the Swiss Cheese Pervert – SCP, for short – has been doing this for some time. He apparently used to solicit women through the dating site OkCupid:

And although news of the bizarre case shocked many Mayfair residents, Gabby Chest – who lives in nearby Bridesburg – recognized the behavioral pattern instantly. In July 2012, Chest, then 19 and having just broken up with her boyfriend, created a profile on the dating website OkCupid. Within days, she said, she was contacted by a “really strange guy,” who sent her a private message that detailed a very specific request. “He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese,” Chest said. “He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them.

That’s not OK, Cupid!

The Daily News ran a small excerpt from the email SCP sent to Chest (great online dating name)… but, as you can imagine, there are some holes which need to be filled.

That’s where our anonymous tipster comes in.

They claim that a similar message, from a “400 lb man” named Chris, was sent to two females through Match.com back in 2011. We have, of course, obtained the email and now present it to you in full, with some added commentary. May I recommend pairing it will an aged Malbec?

“Hello, my name is Chris. I want to ask you a question about a

particular activity I like to do, and am wondering if you would like

to participate in it with me. Before I tell you what my activity is, I

just want to let you know that I am not trying to be gross, or offend

you, or sound disgusting. The fact that I am sending you this message

is because I read your profile, and to me you seem like the type of

person who would be open and understanding to this type of activity.

Knowing what he’s about to say, I am concerned about what may have appeared in the recipient’s profile that she seemed like the type of person who would be open and understanding to this type of activity. Perhaps she worked in a deli.

I want you to know that although my activity or more like fetish that

I want your help with, while being sexual to a point is not some crazy

activity. You do not have to have sex with me, you do not have get

naked, or be naked, and it does not require you to eat anything or

provide me with type of oral stimulation. My fetish is solely about

me. My fetish is a food type fetish, my fetish involves sexual

pleasure and cheese, Swiss cheese to be precise, so as long as you are

still open to hearing me out, then continue reading.

Go on…

My fetish is that I like to have sex with Swiss cheese. In other words

I like to use cheese, particularly Swiss cheese in a sexual way to

achieve climax. This is done by either having myself or a participant

wrap Swiss cheese slices around my penis, then provide stimulation by

masturbation until I climax. Other versions include using a bar of

cheese, or simply wearing cheese in front of a girl participant or as

I hang out with my girl friend(s) until the cheese naturally makes me

climax. I know it sounds strange, weird, disgusting, and crazy. But

read on to understand why, before you draw a conclusion.

I have always been thoroughly impressed by any creature that can achieve climax simply by wearing a block of cheese around their neck. Somewhere, Mickey is thinking this sounds like THE GREATEST THING EVER.

I like to have sex with cheese because I enjoy the texture and the

feeling of the cheese, I also relate cheese with girls, cheese is

soft, silky, and smooth, just as girls are, and when growing up, I saw

that the media tended to relate girls with dairy advertisements, so

the cheese represents girls, and Swiss cheese represents cheese as a

whole. Lastly girls picture men as a piece of meat, and meat and

cheese tend to go together well, just like men and women.

You know, you really got to give this guy credit for his imagination. The symbolism that goes along with his fetish is rock solid. It’s multi-faceted. There are several layers, like a Stuffed Crust Pizza. I mean, the cheese marketers have to be absolutely thrilled with how well their message was received. They just wanted dudes to buy some Kraft Singles, but this sort of loyalty to the product is unheard of. Job well done!

So my penis is the meat, but I use cheese as the girl. An other way to understand

is, if you ever saw the movie American Pie , the main character has

sex with the apple pie, because he heard it was like having normal

sex. Through experimentation, I have found that Swiss cheese provides

the same if not a better feeling then sex. That is my brief explanation anyway.

Yeah, we got it. Though previous partners might be REALLY disheartened by that second to last sentence.

Now I would love if you would be open to just doing this with me, but

I realize that people are not going to engage in this type of activity

for nothing, and given that my activity is at the very least

different, if not exotic, I figure you would like some kind of

compensation, and given our current economic times were jobs are short

and money is tight, I am sure the more that is offered, the better. I

am willing to make a very nice offer, or if you prefer, you can name

your price and we can work from there.

I’ll spoil you rotten for a few cheesy handjobs.

So if I sparked your interest with my fetish, and you would be willing

to entertain me and my fetish, please just let me know, or if you

should not be interested, but wish to tell me what you think, that’s

ok too. “

The recipient never responded, and Chris deleted his profile about a day after the message was sent. Now he apparently drives around Mayfair with his pants down.



Not the SCP.