One of the most exciting things about digital nomad life is the endless number of opportunities to meet other digital nomads whose businesses aren’t making any money either.

Dear Diary,

“Peak Nomad Performance” is to be my mantra this weekend as I attend the exciting annual event in Chiang Mai of the same name. I’m so excited that I could just pop with happiness. Let me tell you all about it.

“Peak Nomad Performance” is a staged event in a big hotel with 8 speakers who are “crushing” it in the digital nomad lifestyle. My friend and mentor Colin BG (Ballerina and Greyhound Racer) will be leading the event and explaining how he makes squillions of dollars selling novelty sex toys on Shopify. Though, as Colin points out — he won’t be giving away all of his secrets because then he wouldn’t be able to sell his dropshipping course.

It will also be my first trip outside of the digital nomad paradise that is Nimman, Chiang Mai! I’m very excited but I’m wondering if I should buy a money belt and a stab proof vest to protect myself from the wider Thai-world?

Awesome Speakers!

Some of the other speakers are also highly regarded. I am very much looking forward to “Make $$$ using Instagram.” Though, I suspect that in order to make $$$ through photos of yourself, the first step is “be attractive” which kind of rules me out. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe somewhere out there — there’s a big demand for pictures of portly English 22 year olds living in a tiny apartment in Chiang Mai?

There is also a lady, who Colin says is very nice, who will be talking about running a co-working space. I’m not sure how renting out desks in an office makes her an expert on digital nomadism but he says that’s not a problem because her talk will be called; “Got no skills? Don’t worry — you can crush it anyway.” I suspect that’s going to be one of the most popular speeches there.

I was also excited about a guy who says that he made the number one course on Udemy but when I looked him up, he wasn’t number one on Udemy at all. In fact, he wasn’t even on the front page of Udemy business courses but Colin says that this is OK because he’s “faking it until you make it” which is the number one strategy used by nomad gurus everywhere.

In fact, Colin says that many of them continue faking after they’ve made it.

He says once my dropshipping store is up and running, he’ll be teaching me something similar so I can become a highly-paid affiliate of a dropshipping course — helping other people in the same situation as me, even though I won’t be an expert in dropshipping by then.

Anyway, the Udemy guy will be speaking about dropshipping but Colin says I don’t need to go because the Udemy guy will be talking about Etsy and that’s so yesterday because as Colin teaches, Shopify’s where it’s at now.

There’s also a lady who designs WordPress themes. I think, from the look of her website, she specializes in assisting the color blind reach their audience. She’ll be teaching people about branding; I’m just hoping that she’ll be able to assist those with ordinary vision too.

Other Nomads

There will also be 300, (count them!), other nomads to meet there. I wonder if we’ll get a battle cry such as “This is Chiang Mai!” in case of an immigration raid. Maybe, we could hold off 10,000 immigration police at a fire escape so we can buy time for the innocent co-working spaces of Chiang Mai?

Colin says I shouldn’t worry about the event being highly public, even though none of the organizers or speakers are legally allowed to work in Chiang Mai and none of the delegates are legally allowed to work here either. He says that we’re not hurting anyone and that the police have already been paid off to look the other way.

I do worry though diary. His last event was in a co-working space. This one is in a very public place. My friend Christ the Freelancer says that it will be fine as long no-one tells any jokes during the show.

Christ is very serious about jokes; he makes videos explaining why he doesn’t find jokes funny. I can’t tell if he’s going for the surrealist pitch at the local fairground or whether he’s just completely absent of a sense of humor.

Christ says that it’s very exciting that there will be 300 other nomads with no skills and no clue gathered under the same roof and that I should be as supportive as possible of them while I am there.

He’s made a video about how it’s important to be supportive but he’s staying home to support England in the Six Nations during the event itself. He says that he’s now in a spiritual place where it’s important for him to encourage other people to be supportive rather than being supportive himself.

He also says that I will learn a lot from the other people. They’ve all paid between $100 and $500 to attend a conference with one of the most exciting line ups in the digital nomad world. So they’re going to be very keen to share what they don’t know.

Christ says I should make a list of that stuff and use it to start my own YouTube channel. His own audience started like that and now they send him questions like, “How do I get a visa?” and “Where’s the best place to buy a charger for my Macbook that’s really inexpensive!!!!!?????” all the time.

He answers these questions on YouTube. Last week his video on Chiang Mai was set in his apartment. It’s fascinating as he explains that Thai homes have taps, showers, and toilets just like everywhere else and that in really cheap homes, like Christ’s, the shower is directly above the toilet — which saves space but spoils the toilet roll a lot.

Christ says he’s stopped using toilet roll now and has gone with the more hygienic option of using the fingers of his left hand to clean his bum. I’m not sure how that’s more hygienic but he says it is.

Free Lunch AND Dinner!

It’s only people, like me, that paid $499 to get in that get a free dinner. Everybody else paid $99 and gets a free lunch. Of course, $400 is quite an expensive dinner but it gets me access to all the experts at the show during dinner too.

I’ll be able to quiz the lady who consults on sustainable seafood about how she gets the smell of fish out of her clothes before events like these and that sort of thing! Colin says that this will be the biggest growth opportunity of my life.

I just can’t wait diary and will be reporting back on everything I learned at “Peak Nomad Performance” as soon as I can.

Speak soon diary,

Darren the Digital Nomad

Note: All resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental, the same is true of any resemblance to real life conferences in Chiang Mai being held illegally this coming weekend. The diary of Darren the Digital Nomad is a work of satirical fiction. Honest.