Green Party Candidate Selects Bottle of Essential Oil as Running Mate Trev Richards Follow Apr 10 · 2 min read

NEW YORK, NY — Howie Hawkins named a bottle of lavender essential oil to be his running mate Thursday, selecting one of the most popular and versatile essential oils used in aromatherapy, traits that he believes will help bolster his campaign’s chances to secure the presidential nomination for the Green Party of the United States (GPUS) in the 2020 election. Hawkins has been critical of efforts from some on the left, such as Vermont senator Bernie Sanders and the Democratic Socialists of America, to work within a more traditional political framework to enact progressive policies. “Listen, man, we gotta look beyond the system. You feel me? It’s more than just Democrats and Republicans, it’s more than just the human race,” he stated to four other party members seated at a patio table of the Panera Bread Bryant Park location. Sources say he then began frantically rummaging through his pockets before adding, “That’s why today I’m proud to officially announce my running mate for — c’mon I know it’s here somewhere — ah shit! Think I left it in the van.” Several unnamed party insiders claim the final selection was cause for much heated debate, with a shortlist that contained options ranging from a THC vape cartridge to last year’s Ajamu Baraka. If the move pays off, it would secure the candidate’s first ever presidential run for the Greens, putting him closer to not being in the White House than he’s ever been. At press time, Hawkins defended the unorthodox ticket by arguing, “At least ours doesn’t have any rapists.”