CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — After last week’s news of Alden Ehrenreich being cast as our favorite smuggler in the Han Solo spin-off film, new details have come to light regarding the film as a whole. A source who personally knows George Lucas has some information that will sincerely make you excited for this movie. Our source Hyun-Shik Seoul-Oh ran into Jacen’s cousin Bryan Bennink, who manages our Orland Park, IL branch, at the “Save the Lucas Museum” protest on May the Fourth and agreed to come to our office to chat the next day.

After buying the entire office Chick-Fil-A for lunch, Seoul-Oh sat down with Bennink to discuss the Han Solo film. Seoul-Oh, a close friend of Lucas’ son Jett, and now a dedicated Disney Studios employee shared this information over sandwiches, waffle fries, and fruit salad.

Regarding the casting of Alden Ehrenreich, Mr. Lucas, and the script:

“So Alden [Ehrenreich] is great. I was present for his audition and I can tell you, he will make everyone want a Han trilogy. I’m not sh*ting you, Bennink, you guys will fall in love with Han Solo all over again. I also read some of the script. The Kasdan boys have knocked it out of the park. Johnny and Larry are really the dynamic duo. They took George’s outline and turned it into a masterpiece. No dull moments. No shoehorned romance subplot. The script is amazing and may even rival Empire [Strikes Back].”

After a few “Darth Maultinis” with Seoul-Oh, we were able to get some plot info:

“If you’ve ever read [Timothy] Zahn’s novel Scoundrels you will know the basic plot for Han Solo but some other EU crap will be added in to appease fans such as things from Ann Crispin’s Han Solo Trilogy. It will be like Smokey and the Bandit and Ocean’s Eleven rolled into one… but in space! Basically Han and some other characters are working for a certain washed up podracing alien, and they are hired by a businessman to retrieve an object of high value but a rival gang is also after it. We will see Han meet Chewbacca for the first time and the Kessell Run take place. Trust me when I say this movie will be f*cking balls to the wall. There will be booze, babes, gambling, racing, fist fights, shootouts. A man’s man movie… but in space! My favorite part is when Han straight up dukes it out with Boba Fett. It’s badass.”

Before Seoul-Oh got too drunk and was sent home in a cab, he informed us of the likely cast for the film, which we will reveal later once we double check with him that it’s okay to run. As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for the latest made up news from a made up galaxy far, far away. We’re also on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, and even Miitomo!

–Voxx