What’s more irresistible than a puppy looking for a new home? Stephen Colbert and Aubrey Plaza trying to sell you on their zany backstories.

The late-night host invited the actress on Thursday’s “Late Show” to try to get some available dogs from New York’s North Shore Animal League adopted. Their strategy was slightly different from the typical Sarah McLachlan–soundtracked plea for help, though: It involved straight-up lying.

“If you’re not willing to lie for an adorable puppy, you belong in a shelter,” Colbert said.

The first dog to be brought out, named Slugger, was a lab mix “certified in shiatsu massage,” as Colbert claimed. “He is trained to poop only on the lawns of your enemies,” he said. The total package.

Next, Aubrey showed off Ace, a hound mix that can talk “but chooses not to as a form of protest against wage inequality.” A social justice paw-rrior, if you will.

Check out the adorably funny video above.