CONCORD, NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages, area man Nicholas Wylie, 40, told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can’t keep living like this. “When I tell people I drive down to Boston every day for work, they always ask how I manage spending so much time in the car, but it actually gives me a nice chunk of time every day where I can just sit in the car and listen to my internal anxieties telling me that I’m wasting hours every day that I’ll never get back,” said Wylie, a sales manager, adding that spending the last half-decade of his life in the car for at least three hours five days a week allowed him to catch up with tons of depressing existential inner monologues he might not have had time for otherwise. “Sometimes it’s annoying to get up early so I’m in the car by seven, but once I’m on the road I have a chance to listen to new concerns like what would my younger self say if he could see me now, or tune in to an old fear like needing to change how I live my life before it’s too late. It’s especially helpful if there’s a lot going on at work, since the commute is the only chance I’ll have all day to listen to myself wondering why I drive 70 miles to and from a job I fucking hate and that makes me miserable, and whether deciding to raise a family in a place so far from most available jobs was the stupidest decision of my life. Once I get cruising, the worries really start to flow.” Wylie added that while he considered taking an available bus to work, he drove because he enjoyed the freedom of being able to choose which of his darkest thoughts he would be trapped alone with for hours every day.

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