Gildan Exec Admits They’ve Never Actually Seen Human Torso

MONTREAL — Gildan CEO Glenn Chamandy left many people feeling vindicated today, admitting in a press conference that he has never once seen an actual human torso.

“Mother always told me that coveting the human body was a sin, so I just never looked down to see how things are actually shaped,” admitted Chamandy in an ill-fitting suit. “Anyway, I thought everyone could tell we were just kind of winging it — the whole thing was a get-rich-quick scheme that got out of hand, and before I knew it, I was an executive at a multimillion dollar company. Our first designs were just holes cut into some burlap sacks. We couldn’t believe it when people actually paid money for them.”

Gildan’s ongoing success has been a surprise to many at the company, who reaffirmed the company’s emphasis on profits over quality.

“We didn’t own a single mannequin for the first 10 or so years,” reminisced CFO Rhodri Harries. “We eventually caved and got some defective, misshapen ones from the wholesaler, and it really helped us hone our trademark fit. Do our shirts fit regular people? Absolutely not. Do they shrink down three or four sizes with each wash? You bet. Do bands keep buying from us because they won’t shell out an extra $1.50 for a better quality shirt? Well, they don’t do it because of how soft they are!”

For their part, customers aren’t sure why they continue purchasing Gildan shirts, either.

“I’m 5’9 and 180 pounds, and none of their shirts have ever come close to fitting me,” complained normal man Evan Preston. “I don’t think I could be more average, but I still can’t even slightly raise my arms without the shirt riding up to my nipples… and I’m still not sure why the sleeves go past my elbows. I know I should stop buying them, but they always look so good draped across a badly lit merch table. Frankly, I’d probably buy a band’s dirty laundry if their merch guy threw in a free sticker.”

At press time, Preston was sighing while taking out his wallet to purchase yet another Gildan shirt that will develop holes within 10 minutes.