It's so weird thinking about me moving on in life. I never knew a world outside of school. Being a student was just a label put on me for so long, it has been ingrained into my identity. It's a weird thought that I'm about to graduate. I'm moving on in my life. A brave new world is coming. Coming to Yamaku was also a new phase in my life though. So maybe it won't be too much of a transition, life at Yamaku was very independent.



I remember being a freshman at my old school. I always got the feeling that upperclassmen were condescending me. And I still looked up to them. There something confusing about being near an upperclassmen. It's envy that they're ahead in life and intimidation that they are on top mixed with admiration that they are more mature and have found their place and their identity. It always felt like freshmen were robbed of their confidence. Upperclassmen just had all the answers and it genuinely seemed they could never be unhappy or embarrassed. My senior year came and only then did I realize I was on top of the hierarchy. It always felt like there was someone above until I became a senior and went to Yamaku.



Speaking of which, what a school. I only spent a year here, and I can say with confidence it's been a changing experience. I found the direction in my life. This is the only school I've been to where a teacher inspired me to like science. I learned independence too. I shopped by myself, lived by myself, and found a job. But the biggest thing was the people. It sounds weird being surrounded by disabled people, but it was honestly refreshing. I realize disabled people are just like anyone else. Emi was nice for those few occasional times I ran with her. Shizune and Misha were pushy, but they were helpful and they cared.



Then there's Lilly. For the time she was here she was one of my closest friends honestly. She was a person I naturally gravitated towards. A aura of gentleness and acceptance can be known just from being in the same room as her. It takes someone without the bias of sight to have that. She was a good friend for the time she was still in Japan. But the best friend is, well now was, Hanako. She was that one friend I had a routine with. Every weekend we would shop together. I would be with her in the library everyday, no words exchanged, and there didn't need to be any. Eventually we became a couple. We already spent so much time together, did so much, and communicated without exchanging any words.



That was how it was until a month or two ago. The incident happened. She didn't even want to be in the same room as me. She even adopted her old habit of skipping class just to avoid me. Eventually I left a note in her room saying I wouldn't show on odd numbered days. I didn't want her grades to suffer because of me. Now the only friend I had is gone. I'm pretty sure Hanako is still friends with Naomi. Ironic. It began with Hanako being socially crippled and me having no more friends, now Hanako has a friend, and I'm ending the year with none.



I can't say it doesn't bother me. Friends are honestly family to me. What bothered me about Lilly leaving is that she left her friends behind for the power and wealth of the family that abandoned her. I suppose her family isn't that bad from what Lilly told me over the internet. But I never agreed with her decision. What's the point of a life filled with achievement....if your empty on the inside. Hell, I even tried to plan to go to college with Hanako. That was the plan....until the incident. Now I'm not sure if she's still going to mine. I decided to go to a college near my hometown....pretty sure Hanako's not following me there.



Yumi: "So Hisao, Hanako tells me about a certain rift between you two."



Hisao: "Uh...yeah...honestly could we not talk about it?"



Yumi: "Sure. But I'm just letting you know.....her attendance in class is concerning...even the teachers who are used to it are aware..."



Hisao: "Yeah, I told her I wouldn't be here on Mondays and Wednesdays."



Yumi: "And the teachers were initially concerned, but your grades were fine so no one spoke up."



Hisao: "Well are Hanako's grades still good?"



Yumi: "Well I'm not allowed to say....but....all I can say is there's not too much to worry about."



Hisao: "Thanks....it's not bad enough she's avoiding me. I don't want her to suffer for it."



Yumi: "You sure you don't want to tell me what happened?"



Hisao: "It's a long story."



Yumi: "That's unfortunate. Well it's late and you have a big day tomorrow."



Hisao: "Yeah. Graduation ceremony."



Yumi: "Big milestone. Better go get ready."



Hisao: "Thanks for this last session."



Yumi: "It's been nice having you as a client."



Hisao: "You really did teach me about myself. I'm serious when I say thank you. For all the trouble, thank you"



Yumi: "My my so polite......."



Hisao: "Did you just-"



Yumi: "I'm kidding."



It's a depressing turn of events. I honestly was doubting I could go on with my life. That week after the incident happened was bitter and sleepless. After that I just became numb. Honestly my least favorite time at this school is the last month and a half. But I'm good now, I guess I started learning how to get on with it and accept. We used to eat dinner together, learn each other's interests, and we even slept together. She was a big part of my life, now she can't stand my presence.



I tried a last ditch effort to reconcile. I knocked on her door the morning of the ceremony. I had some flowers and a book as gifts and an apology card. No one opened. I knocked again and listened. It was absolutely still inside. Eventually I lost my patience and looked inside. What I found was an empty room. She had packed and left early. Where? I don't know. That's not what my mind dwells on. My mind is focusing on could Hanako really be so determined to avoid me that she'd skip graduation? I left the card, book, and flowers on the counter, in the unlikely event she decided to come back.



Announcer: "Hisao Nakai."



I approach the man holding my diploma and I shake his hand. He hands me a rolled up diploma and I head back to look into the crowd. My parents are here. Haven't thought about them for a while. I will say it's the warmest thing they've done by coming all the way over here to see me graduate. I see no Hanako anywhere in the room. It's confirmed she didn't attend this ceremony. I guess her diploma will be mailed.



But as I look into the crowd, I start to think it might not be my fault she isn't here. This is a large crowd. She hates crowds. But also, it's a crowd of families. Something she doesn't have. No one to see her move on in life. No one to go home to. I'm going home to my parents, where is Hanako going? What would be the point of her attending this. It's honestly heartbreaking she has no family to enjoy this with.



After the ceremony, the students hug each other as they are about to leave the peers they've grown with for years. Tears, happiness, and pictures. Everyone is engaging in good byes, and I'm just a spectator. I see Shizune and Misha pose for a picture, sticking there fists up like triumphant council students. Even though the friends I've made are gone, I still am touched by the sheer amount of passion of the students. The time comes for me to leave Yamaku. I've been here for a year to continue my education, and the job is done.



My parents take me to their car, one I haven't seen in a year. I get in and put my stuff in the trunk. After a few questions about how I'm feeling or what I plan to do, they begin driving. I look back at the school. The school where I defined myself. The school where I made two great friends while they lasted. It was a place where I met different people, and I learned to accept different people. I met her. Hanako. I met a good friend. Lilly. I loved in this school, and I learned to love myself.



As the school shrinks in the distance, it dawns on me. I'm cursed. I cannot stop thinking about Hanako. I started thinking about Yamaku, and ended up on Hanako. And when I think about Hanako, I think about what happened between us and how bad things went. It's unfortunate. Now I begin to realize, no one said goodbye to Hanako. The last time I got to see her was the incident. The last time I communicated with her was writing a note. I'm pretty sure she won't get my gifts too. I wish I could say I knew where Hanako was going. But I can't. All I know is that in this world 7 billion people, chances are slim I'll ever see the girl I used to love. I'm better off forgetting. I don't want to think about what comes her way, now that she only has two people to rely on through virtual contact.



.....



Fucking kids. Kids these days are obsessed, no addicted to their phones. I honestly regret my life choices. Fuck teaching in public schools. I like teaching some classes, but the last class is filled with loud, obnoxious, immature kids. These teens don't give a shit about Chemistry. It's times like this I really wish I could have been a real scientist. The type who gets grants and gets interviewed on TV. But my day is going to get better. I'm meeting someone today. Someone I never thought I'd see again.



Who am I? A replace-able cog in a machine we call society? I finally sympathize with hippies. I, and many others, have never been more than a walking pile of flesh to be used and to be discarded. And a strict society like urban Japan only makes things worse. What sets me apart from others? Nothing. Never had anything interesting about me. My mood is shit these days. But things are looking brighter. A woman I haven't seen in a while contacted me. I'm meeting her in a restaurant today.



Work ends and evening hits. I enter the restaurant in fairly nice clothes. I'm brought to the table by the host and take a seat. Greetings are warm. She looks beautiful, she's really grown. A familiar book is in her right hand, and in her left is a rose and card.