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"Hey," Agent EatShit said, "that's not what we're here to discuss today. That isn't really your concern."

There was a beat of silence and the three of us shared a look, the kind of look used when discussing the bones of an Indian princess like men.

***

The questions continued for another hour or so before they finally released me after asking again if I'd get punished or disciplined for this in any way and then again being shocked and disappointed when my answer was a resounding "Probs not." I returned to my car, checked my phone, and noticed that I had 37 missed calls from my mom.

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"Daniel, please call back. We're worried."

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"Don't know what that could be about," I said to no one in particular while turning my phone off forever.

Once I'd gotten back to the office, I used my office phone to call Agent Powell, the cool agent who started this whole thing. High on the list of things wrong with me is my inability to know when to quit while I'm ahead or, failing that, quit while I'm not-exactly-ahead-but-at-least-not-in-a-federal-prison. So I asked Agent Powell what I'd been thinking about all day.

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No, not that.

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"This might sound crazy, but can I please please please write about this entire experience? For Cracked? Please? I promise I'll change your name to something cool." Special Agent Dangerbus Hugecockasaurus scratched his chin and thought about this.

"Legally, I obviously can't stop you from writing about this," he began. "But, c'mon, kid, no. Don't."

"Sure thing, 'Special' Agent Churl Poopstoomuch. I promise I will never write about the time the United States Secret Service made us take down an article and brought me in for questioning. I promise."

I neglected to add "unless I have a book to promote that you can buy right now everywhere books are sold," but I'm pretty sure that was implied.



Daniel O'Brien is the head writer for Cracked and author of How to Fight Presidents, in stores today!

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