WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You have 15 minutes to retrieve the document, read it, and get to the chamber to cast your vote,” said Durbin, who slowly became cognizant of the binder-shaped bulge pressing against the jagged stitches transecting his abdomen. “The vote is Saturday. If you ever want to know what’s inside that report, cut it out now. There will be no further instructions.” At press time, Durbin had gingerly drawn the rusty hacksaw provided by his captors across the first few inches of his distended gut before being interrupted by a groggy Senator Cory Booker emerging from a nearby bathtub.

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