ONCE Russ Vickery came out as gay at the age of 42, it didn’t take long for him to meet an “absolute charmer” and fall into his first same-sex relationship.

Looking back Mr Vickery realises he met his partner at a time when he was not quite on top of this game, coming out of a 17-year marriage and dealing with custody issues.

“Looking back ... it was very typical of a DV type of situation,” he told news.com.au.

“This knight in shining armour comes in and makes life look fantastic.

“None of the real violence started probably until six months in.”

Domestic violence within same-sex relationships is not often talked about, among Australians generally or within the gay community.

Like many others in the LGBTI community Vickery had no idea domestic violence happened at the same rate in same-sex relationships as in heterosexual relationships.

“It’s not something within the community that’s actually talked about a lot,” he said.

Mr Vickery said his partner took advantage of his newness to the gay scene, telling him “arguments happen” and the behaviour was typical of two blokes living together.

“I had nothing to gauge that on,” Mr Vickery said, adding deep down he felt something was wrong but wasn’t sure.

“I had three kids ... and he would say things like ‘you’re really lucky to have me, if I wasn’t around nobody would be interested in you’.

“Looking back at it, you realise how silly you are but because it’s your everyday life, you just don’t know any different.”

He said the first sign of trouble happened the night of his ex-partner’s birthday.

“He told me that he had never had a birthday cake or any form of celebration so of course I go out, get him a cake, take him to a silver service restaurant for dinner.”

Afterwards Mr Vickery said his partner wanted to go and have some drinks with his mates at the local pub but because he had to work the next morning, Mr Vickery decided to go home early.

In the middle of the night Mr Vickery was woken up in a fright after his partner came home drunk and dived on to the bed.

“I told him to p*** off because he scared me, but he started ranting and raving,” he said.

When Mr Vickery tried to calm him down, his partner lashed out.

“He smashed me in the face, he broke my nose,” he said.

Amid his shock, he remembers trying not to let his blood drip all over the white carpet while he made his way to the bathroom.

“My nose was across my face ... I didn’t have the courage to try and straighten it and he was at the door saying ‘I’ll fix it’ and ‘sorry’, that it would never happen again.

“I couldn’t go to work, I had two black eyes and a broken nose, that was the beginning of it. There were many others.”

Mr Vickery was in the relationship for five years and endured many other violent incidents including the time his drunk partner grabbed a knife and held it at his throat for an hour.

The 58-year-old said he finally decided to leave the abusive relationship after one particularly shocking incident when his partner threw him down the stairs in front of his children.

“I broke bones and was in hospital for two operations and that really was the culmination of the relationship,” he said.

Even after it was over, Mr Vickery said he was self-harming and one night he almost committed suicide, sitting down with a bottle of valium and vodka.

“You start doing the work for them,” he said. “The only thing that stopped me was I looked up and saw a photo of my kids.”

Mr Vickery said he didn’t want his children find him that way in a couple of days time.

“That was the bottom of the barrel but there’s only one direction to go from there and that’s up.”

Mr Vickery managed to deal with his past and has now developed a cabaret show My Other Closetwith new partner Matthew Parsons, exploring the issue of domestic violence within gay relationships.

Mr Parsons, who has also experienced domestic violence and is a research officer specialising in LGBTI domestic and family violence at La Trobe University, said studies had shown same-sex couples experienced violence at similar rates to heterosexual couples.

But there are specific myths that get in the way of people recognising abuse within the gay community.

“When things do come to light, it turns out (the abuse) was disclosed to multiple doctors, teachers and others,” Mr Parsons told news.com.au.

In one case, Mr Parsons said the children had told many people they were being locked in a closet while their mother was being abused, and the woman had also told a number of professionals, but because she was in a lesbian relationship, no action was taken.

“There is this pervasive myth that when it’s two women it’s not that bad,” Mr Parsons said.

“When it’s between two men, there’s this pervasive myth that a real man would stand up for himself, and surely both men would be abusive towards each other.

“When it comes to trans relationships, there’s lower expectations about what trans people should expect from life, that if they are in a relationship at all, they should feel lucky because who would love someone like that? There’s a lot of disgusting (views).”

There is also a reluctance on the part of LGBTI people to reveal what is happening to them.

“There’s this idea that we’ve spent so long as a community getting people to see our relationships as valid and legitimate and that we’re not mentally ill people,” Mr Parsons said.

“To say that our relationships are sometimes toxic, just like yours (is difficult).”

It can also be harder for those in same-sex couples to leave relationships as they may not be able to rely on support from family members who disapprove of their lifestyle.

Many in the community are also reluctant to talk about domestic or family violence while the same-sex marriage debate is in full swing. Mr Parsons had even seen publicity for My Other Closet used on promotional material to support the arguments of those against marriage equality.

“They see it as proof of why we shouldn’t be able to get married, but (domestic violence) happens in much greater numbers among the heterosexual community and they’re not questioning why they get married,” he said.

Mr Parsons said addressing violence was difficult when homophobia seemed to be ingrained in the community and stopped things such as same-sex marriage being accepted.

When it comes to family violence, Mr Parsons said young people’s reports of being assaulted by family members were sometimes ignored because it was accepted that parents were entitled to have traditional views.

While it’s not yet clear how prevalent this type of family violence is, Dr Philomena Horsley of La Trobe University said LGBTI people could be at greater risk of assault from family members due to entrenched homophobia.

“Anecdotally, many people in the community, of different ages, have reported that coming out to family is a potential trigger for family-related violence,” she said.

Victorian research suggests that young LGBTI are more likely to be homeless than other young people.

“This finding suggests a greater proportion of young LGBTI people face violence at home and have to leave, or are rejected and need to leave, or are kicked out when they disclose.”

Helping LGBTI people to recognise and reject domestic and family violence is one thing Mr Parsons and Mr Vickery hope to encourage through their show My Other Closet.

“I’m prepared to expose myself on the stage so that other people can recognise those feelings” Mr Vickery said.

Interestingly, when the show was staged in Sydney, heterosexual women made up half the audience.

“After we did the show, we know of six people who left relationships, those are the ones we know about.”

Mr Vickery said nowadays people did have more access to services and were more confident about seeking them out, but there still weren’t many specific services for LGBTI people.

“It’s getting better but needs to get a whole lot better,” he said.

If you or someone you know needs help, go to qlife.org.au or call 1800 184 527.

charis.chang@news.com.au