Nobody knows for certain who wrote the Bible, but the book itself claims to be the infallible word of the one true God; therefore the author must be divine.



Satan- God's immortal enemy whom God Himself created (possibly on an off day; even omnipotent beings have their moments)- has led many nasty critics to suggest that several men- not one God- wrote the Bible. They point to internal inconsistencies and many different styles of writing, along with the distinctly human language used throughout, but the voices in my head assure me that God was merely employing "artistic licence". He does, after all, move in mysterious ways.



The story itself begins with a piece of blatant Creationist propaganda, or a sublime literary metaphor about the emergence of existence and life on earth. Unfortunately, God chose to omit the footnote advising His trusting followers as to how to interpret the creation story- something Christians have been unable to agree on ever since the faith was invented. There is no mention of evolution- God wanted humanity to endure the dark ages before that particular theory was revealed to his liberal followers as part of the divine plan.



What follows is an entirely reliable record of the history of the Jewish people- so reliable even the Jews believe it!



Eventually, after accounts of many outdated laws and mass murders, we get to the most important character- Jesus- a wonderful man whom I know personally! There is a conspiracy theory that Jesus never even existed, but that's ridiculous, I mean, he's in the Bible, and millions of people pray to him every day- with positive personal responses!



Not only are there countless prophecies about Jesus which are clearly later fulfilled, but Jesus performs miracles like healing the sick, multiplying food and raising the dead. He even comes back from the dead Himself, proving that He was and is God. There were thousands of eye-witnesses to these events, but nobody wrote anything about them till about thirty years later. The usual cop out involves the prevalence of an "oral tradition" despite several scholars who recorded other events at the time, but wrote absolutely nothing on the most remarkable human-cum-deity who ever lived. But we have the Gospels, and they don't call it "Gospel truth" for nothing!



Ultimately, the truth of the stories and dogmatic doctrines laid out in the Bible comes down to faith. And if you believe, you can do ANYTHING! After all, Jesus Himself says: "Knock and the door will be opened unto you." He neglects to mention how quickly the very same door gets slammed back in the unfortunate faces of some religious salesmen, but obviously these unsuccessful evangelists aren't praying hard or well enough!



One of the Bible's strong points is its ethical system, which remains relevant even today. There is no telling how many lives have been saved or improved by forbidding evils like abortions and contraception, and it is a verifiable fact that wars in the name of God have killed lots less people than atheist tyrants such as Stalin, Hitler and Mao.



Whether you believe the Bible or not is a matter of free personal choice, but beware- those who do not believe will face an eternity of torment and suffering, because God loves everybody totally and equally! Amen.