An apology for last night's stream.

Last night, I got incredibly mad at a group of players not because I was losing or because of their trolling, but because of Sol. She frustrates me incredibly, and it got to the point where I took it out on them. Pandaturtle had been lightly trolling throughout the games and I let it impact my mood far more than it should have. Losing your tower at 2 minutes, two games in a row after a 12 hour work day grates on the nerves far more than I would have imagined.



But I acted horribly, and unprofessionally, and that was shitty of me. I didn't lie about what I said, but I definitely shouldn't have said it. I used a platform of a lot of people to attack a player, and that was lame of me. The cause and effect are outside the scope of my actions last night.



Not at all to make excuses on this, but honestly, my burnout rate week to week is getting harder. I'm working 80-100 hour weeks almost every week, and fi you're an avid viewer, you know that I've been grumpier than normal. If you watch any Smite streamer, or really, any professional streamer, they'll tell you, it's a rough life. Between the insane hours you have to keep to be successful, and the constant traveling you have to do to stay relevant, it's hard to stay afloat.



I was rude last night, not because they were rude (and even if they were, it shouldn't impact my ability to stay above it) but because I'm just straight up not taking care of of my mental state, and I'm far too quick to anger. Everytime you see a newsthread pop up about me flipping out, it's usually in the heat of my doing a 200 hour stream month, plus 50-60 hours at hirez, plus X hours doing podcast/juice things.



I've hired an assistant for cons to help me schedule things, because as much as I like to joke that I'm too lazy to keep track of things, it's because cons scare the shit out of me. Having someone there to keep my personal shit in order helps me stay sane throughout the weekend and not hide in my hotel room, which happens. A lot.



My wife stay home to help support the stream, as well. She's been insanely supportive, and helpful for me keeping me world together.



But last night, I reached a boiling point, and I took it out on players. It, again, was a shitty unprofessional thing to do, and it's 100% due to the fact that I'm burning myself out.



To remedy this, I'm going to take a lighter schedule this week, and try and focus more on my mental health. Honestly, it feels like I'm going a little crazy working as much as I do. I've tried like substituting my in-home meals for a quick night out somewhere, but then my crazy ass decides to stream again at 10pm, because I'm so deathly afraid of not staying competitive in the streaming world.



I'm going about this wrong, and it's making me look bad, and it's causing me to be a bad person. This is actually why I'm not allowed to play World of Warcraft. It's not that i would ignore my friends of family, but that I can't sleep or eat right because I get so mixed up in staying competitive that when tiny things go wrong, I explode. I've almost lost some of my closest friends for this reason. Shit, I almost lost my then-girlfriend, now-wife.



So, to try and reduce my insane (yes, insane) anger, I'm gonna try and chill a bit this week with a smaller schedule in hopes of recouping a bit.



Major apology to the fans who will miss stream time, or who might have had a shitty taste in their mouth after last night. And an apology to the players, especially ShadowChair, who I name din my anger. You guys didn't deserve that. Hopefully you guys accept my apology on this. I didn't mean to blow up, and in the moment, I knew what I was saying was hurtful.



If you guys want, I'll be happy to PAY (not use hirez access) for your Odyssee's. That way, I can make up to Smite's community by supporting esports, and I can hook you guys up with some content you'll love. I really do mean that I'm sorry about this.



k, I'm rambling.

Reply · Report Post