Over the Easter bank holiday weekend, I took it upon myself (along with two friends) to cycle the 270-odd miles from London to Paris. It’s an idea that had been brewing in my mind from around September last year. In fact, I remember the rationale being “let’s do it in Easter, its always warm at Easter.” I suppose from the moment those words resonated from my vocal chords on that summery afternoon, it was destined to be a journey stuck firmly in single-figure temperatures. You could probably go on to blame me for the entirety of this ‘cold snap’ that has lasted into April – though I would prefer it if you didn’t.

From the way in which we planned our trip, you would be forgiven for not believing my claims of the London-Paris long-term idea. Most of our organising was completed in the final hours leading up to our departure – and that included accommodation, and indeed a way out of Paris on the bank holiday Monday. It turned out the Eurostar was fully booked (is Paris a popular weekend getaway!?) so we improvised with a TGV to Calais, a ferry in a 40 knot easterly, and finally a late night negotiation of network rail’s finest 3 hour journeys.

The other thing we didn’t do before this trip, was train. A quick flick through London to Paris advice on the internet suggests a lot of distance training, and a lot of discipline. Of the 3 of us, Andy and I cycle to work and average around 100 miles a week each. This is fine – we would probably claim to be as fit as we’ve ever been – though in my experience of commuting, I’m usually in a rush and am pushing myself as fast as I can for an hour and a bit – over a brief distance of 22 miles, and averaging between 18 and 19 miles per hour. I’m fairly sure Andy is similar – though obviously he covers fewer miles per day. We’d be utterly deluded to think that this pace was anywhere near achievable over 3 days, for 270 miles. We were fit, but not trained.

Our third member, Tim Saxton, would claim himself to be not nearly as fit as Andy and I. We had cycled together once already this year as a group – and a common feature of the cycle was the phrase “oh, we’ve dropped Tim.” That day we covered 60 miles, though we’d all hasten to add that it was really two 30-milers, as we stopped for a leisurely pub-lunch and a social session at the sailing club halfway round! It really had to be done though, as it was the ladies team racing nationals that day, and I’m sure the sight of 3 chaps swanning around in snowy lycra was a welcome break from the sailing.

Day 1 – London to Dover (80 miles)

Actually, our London to Dover leg started at my home. Up at 5.20am for a 5.45 departure, we planned to cycle a brisk 7 miles to Woking, where we could catch the most efficient and frequent train into central London. Our destination for the day was in the far South East corner of the UK, so obviously it made sense to start our day heading North.

It being Easter bank holiday, we forced some hot cross buns down our gullets, and got on our way. As expected, the South Bank on an early bank holiday Friday morning was as good as deserted, and the weather was bright and sunny (and bordering on warm!) – ideal conditions for the obligatory photo shoot.

Despite our hideously early start, and a ferocious headwind, we were relieved at the relatively quiet roads as we slipped through South London – Dover-bound. The forecast for the weekend was Easterlies, going North Easterly on day 2, and then dying off on day 3. I’m not sure if its a common misconception, but it was certainly a unanimous misunderstanding amongst our triplet, just how East of London Dover is. We had all mistakenly believed it was much further south than it is, so the crosswind we had envisaged never materialised, and instead, we fought a 15 knot headwind for 75 miles.

As you get out of London to the East, you realise why London2Paris is so frequently a charity event. There is absolutely no other reason you’d voluntarily cycle through Gravesend and its surrounding boroughs. As we stopped for a morning coffee at a service station, Andy commented on how he’s never been to a petrol station that has “bulletproof glass to stop the cashier being killed.” We agreed, and were left cycling away on our carbon road bikes considering just how sheltered our lives have been.

Another observation on this particular South East region, is how loud the cars are. It seems that if you are blessed with a DA postcode, then its compulsory to add some noise to your Fiesta, Corsa, or Peugeot 106. Maybe it’s part of the MOT tests in the region. From a cyclists point of view, though, these prove highly useful as a premature alert as to the passing of a speeding car, usually within 2 or 3 feet from your right knee – though I doubt that this is the intended purpose.

The worst part of our entire trip was also on Day 1. The last 20 miles into Dover were on the A2 dual carriageway. I cycle on the A4 for my commute, so I am somewhat conditioned to seeing lorries near me – though my journey is at a time of day when motor vehicles rarely get the chance to build up any serious speed. On the A2, we were cycling on a disgusting terrain (it was commented that we’d prefer to have mountain bikes!), and the cars or lorries that passed us were at full motorway speed. We were weaving our way through stones and gravel, whilst simultaneously keeping our ears open for the odd 18-wheeler (I exaggerate, of course), presumably carrying cargo on its way to the same destination as us.

Nevertheless, we pushed on – up and down the south Kent hills (cruising at over 40mph on the last hill into the port of Dover) – and checked in to our ferry with about 5 minutes to spare. A successful first day, celebrated with a couple of beers in the bar on the boat.

Day 2 – Calais to Amiens (90 miles)

French road surfaces are so much more comfortable than in England. Having stayed in Calais overnight, we were greeted in the morning by super smooth tarmac, quiet roads and a still air. As we meandered our way out of Calais, we pedalled our way into a significant hilly section. If it was cold outside, you wouldn’t have known – we were baking hot by the top of the first one – and we were soon stripping off the layers we’d donned in the early morning.

In fact, the first 35-40 miles of Day 2 were very hilly. Sometimes, the hills were so seemingly everlasting that we burst out in fits of laughter – which of course makes it fairly difficult to make progress.

However, with each and every hill, I tried to make a list of fun things to do while climbing. Here it is:

Fun things to do while climbing hills on a bike in France when the weather is cold:

– Eat haribo

– Smash an energy gel

– Consume a brownie

– Hydrate (or die)

– Concoct and swallow an ibuprofen/paracetamol cocktail

– Focus on cadence

– Monitor your heart rate

– Peel hats

– Consider the difference between France and England – road surfaces, society, countryside, food

– Overtake someone and claim there is no hill… “What hill?!”

– Pose for photos

– Do NOT laugh at how ridiculous this hill is

– If the hill is long, and over 20% incline – think about your loved ones and begin to consider your will

– Race Andy and unnecessarily burn energy

– After said race, proclaim how “We’ve dropped Tim,'” and “We are idiots.”

– Eat more haribo.

We eventually found a supermarket at around lunchtime, and sat outside in slightly chilly conditions while we scoffed back a baguette and numerous other snacks to keep us going. The wind kindly did back to the North slightly, so we were graced with a decent tailwind for the last 40 miles into Amiens, which allowed a nice fast afternoon – and made up for the dreadful headwind we endured on the first day.

In Amiens for 5pm, we stretched off in a bar (to the bemusement of other patrons) and saw off a pint of Heineken before checking in to the hotel and finding some dinner.

Day 3 – Amiens to Paris (95 miles)

Day 3 was superb. With a cold, but windless start, we followed Andy’s GPS blindly through tiny country lanes for mile after mile. We weaved through forests, before climbing up onto seemingly endless farmyard plains. Without a car in sight, we charged our way through the Somme region – at startling pace for legs that had 170 miles in them already.

It’s easy to forget how big France is when you catch a flight, or drive on the motorway for day after day. It’s also easy to forget that the population is more or less the same as the UK – so the density of people is wonderfully sparse. We didn’t see more than 10 cars in the first 2 or 3 hours of our cycle, and later in the afternoon Tim S commented on how “if you live in this sort of area, you have absolutely no excuse not to be a road cyclist.” I would imagine having no legs would exonerate you from Tim’s wrath, though you can get bikes you pedal with your hands, so I wouldn’t be so sure.

The other issue about the population density in France is that we didn’t see a supermarket for the first 45 miles of Day 3. We were up and out of the hotel by 0800, so there was little chance to stock up in Amiens – and we continued on our way through rural France like anorexic athletes, aimlessly hoping for a Carrefour, or similar, to rise over the horizon.

When a supermarket did appear, it was conveniently around lunchtime. We repeated our baguette lunch, as we perched on a plastic bench just inside the shop – which soon collapsed under our weight, and provided a moment of Easter slapstick for the locals.

We proceeded to follow Andy’s GPS all the way into Paris, before ignoring it slightly for a faster road to finish the trip. The first sighting of the Eiffel Tower in the distance provided a huge morale boost, and we engaged in the free-for-all that is cycling in central Paris. I’ve been to Paris a few times, but what I did not remember were the cobbled streets.

As we charged our way down the Champs Elysees, I remember thinking how impressively fast the Tour de France cyclists get on such an uneven road surface. We probably should have been paying attention to our directions, though, because instead of cycling towards the iconic Tour finale at the Arc de Triomphe, we paid a visit to the Obelisk of Luxor instead. I’m going to put that misdirection down to a combination of fatigue and idiocy.

A quick photo-shoot at the Eiffel Tower brought an end to our 3 day excursion – and now we’re left considering where our next 2 wheeled destination will be.