When our thought and practice of polyamory were very fresh, I wrote an idyllic description of a way of living I could see myself aiming for. Now, while translating it to English and editing along the way, I may be a bit wiser. But I still think it’d be awesome if this ever happens.

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I want to live in a small community of selected people. We’ll love and appreciate each other, and some of us will be lovers as well. We’ll be each other’s security net and support group. We’ll be a family that we do choose – every day anew. We’ll be a home.

We’ll live in a big house with a bright, well-lit kitchen. I’ll be able to cook and feed there, along anyone who might want to join in. The dining table will be long and wide, able to accommodate all of us, with friends and family to boot. Cats will sunbathe on the windowsills.

CK will have a pleasant space on the first floor where he can treat customers and the people of the house.

Those of us who are good with plants and animals will do some farming. They will cultivate and produce fresh food for everyone, and maintain a beautiful garden that’s inviting and comfortable all year round. We’ll also have a bunch of pets, some of which living in a separate structure so that fur and noise are not an issue.

The house will have rooms in various sizes, for not everyone has the same needs. If someone needs a separate study or workroom – they’ll have one. And those who enjoy working together – will do that. Additionally we’ll have a big gathering room where we can all hang out and sleep together, should we choose to.

Gaming computers around the house will allow us to have LAN parties of our choice. The attic will be a huge library: a cool, quiet place with thick carpets, assorted pillows and comfortable couches. The basement will be our home cinema, with an amazing sound system and a high-quality projector. Small speakers hidden across the house will provide separate music to each space – this way whoever stays there can choose what fits them at the time and place (taking others into consideration, of course).

Somewhere, we’ll have a heated swimming pool too.

Children, pets and plants will not be the exclusive responsibility of their creators\adopters. They will “belong” to the house, and everyone will lend a hand in caretaking. A biological parent won’t need to give themselves up, won’t need to stop traveling, experiencing and doing their thing. Once in a while someone, a couple, or more – will escape to be with themselves for a while, if they want to. They can travel abroad, across the country, to the mall or to their private rooms, and the house will remain and await their return. But no one will just go away without a warning. The responsibility will be mutual, we’ll share our needs, expectations and schedules and make sure we’re all on the same page. We’ll be there for each other, help each other out, speak up if we feel wronged, share our hardship and doubts, and overcome challenges and chores together. We’ll do our best to be our best selves, for the house and it’s occupants as well.

Of course, it won’t be easy. Getting along with just one person in the world is hardly an obvious thing. But those who’d want to and try hard enough – will make it. And those who give enough – will earn so much on so many levels.

<3

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When first published in the local non-monogamy group, some people liked the idea a lot, and others said it was doomed to fail. Here are some of the issues they surfaced, and what I make of them.

“People will only think of themselves… They’ll leave the moment they grow tired of everyone.” Well, sure! That’s what people do in all sorts of relationships. But I believe that if the sharing of resources (time, money, attention, love) feels fair to all involved, and makes them feel happy and secure, they’ll do all they can to remain a part of the group.

“Who will take care of the kids? Everyone will just fly around having sex all the time!” Huh, maybe the person who wrote that is like that. I doubt that anyone I appreciate will choose to be with people who are as irresponsible and careless as to throw their kids aside for a whim. Adding people to our house won’t be a free pass! It will take serious consideration and care for everyone. If someone shows no respect, they’ll get no respect and will not be allowed to move in.

“You can’t decide for others, what will you do if they throw YOU out?” Ah, but you’re forgetting it’s all starting as our house: CK’s and mine. Why would we let enter those who would drive our loved ones away? When and if more people join in, the place should run democratically enough. Considering that we’ll probably live with like-minded, communicative, open people, who don’t look for an argument for argument’s sake, I’m sure we’ll get along fine.

“I’m not gonna live with you, I hate cooking and gardening. You can’t make me!” I won’t “make” anyone do anything. If everyone found their preferred corner and there are still chores that no one wants to do, they will be divided fairly between everyone. If someone can’t join the group effort, the group will talk about it and settle things like grown ups. If someone still screams “you can’t make me!”, and it’s not one of the kids, we might have to reconsider his citizenship… ;)

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Got questions? Think this is an awesome \ terrible idea? Wanna apply for the dreamhouse? Got a land lot you can’t find a use to? Write to me in the comments!