



Brevity is the soul of wit, so I’m not going to waste a lot of words. Not because all of us here couldn’t write an essay about what you’re about to read — thank god it’s Friday and no one’s assigned a term paper-length response! — but because it’s just so incredible that explaining how a nice trip to Applebee’s ended in the dissolution of a marriage would ruin the entire thing. All you need to know for now is that a) a marriage is over, and b) someone was kind enough to live-tweet his friend’s whirlwind descent from husband to “probably single dude covered in blood.”

Let’s start here:



You comfy? Hope so, because the ride you’re about to be taken on is not only wild but very lengthy as well. In fact, it’s packed with so much detail that it may strain the bounds of your willingness to suspend disbelief. So take the following as a “fun yarn” rather than gospel and have a drink while you’re at it. You’re on your own:











At least the kitty is happy. That’s all that really matters.