SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s jigsaw puzzle strategy is absolutely fucking pathetic. “Jesus Christ, how does this little moron not know to start with the corner pieces?” said Randolph, 78, adding that the child’s decision to not immediately dump out all 100 pieces of the barnyard animal–themed puzzle and inspect them against the box’s cover “completely retarded.” “Oh, great, now this dipshit is trying to jam that grass piece into where the horses should be. I almost wish I could slap him in the face so he’d realize what a jackass he’s making of himself, but maybe he’s just a lost cause.” At press time, Randolph was giving his imbecile grandson 10 more seconds before pushing him out of the way and just solving the puzzle himself.

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