Upper East Side Family Seeks Multi-Purpose Ivy League Graduate

We’re looking for an Ivy League graduate who can help our family complete a variety of tasks. We are seeking someone who can assist with household chores, including child care, dog-walking, and fertility enhancements. We’re trying to foster a sense of warmth and elitism in our home, and we’d like a multi-purpose Ivy League graduate to join us. If you attended a college with an acceptance rate greater than 7%, stop reading this ad now.

We have two kids, Madison and Chester. They are 6 and 8, and they need a live-in SAT tutor. We’re interested in having an Ivy League graduate tutor them for the SAT because we want to ensure that they too can attend an Ivy League college. Of course, we don’t need to see your SAT score, so if you are a legacy admissions candidate whose parents bought your way into college, that’s fine too. Just teach that kind of moxie to our children. It’s also important that you tell them how wonderful the Ivy League is but do not show them any specific details of your life that led you to end up responding to this job ad.

We also need this multi-purpose Ivy League graduate to walk and care for our dog, AnneMarigold. AnneMarigold is a labrador poodle, and it’s important to us that she be well-read. We’d like an Ivy League graduate to read her Proust every day before she goes to sleep. Unfortunately for you, she sleeps all the time, so I hope you like Proust. Please note that even if you are barely literate and/or haven’t read a book in seven years, we are still interested in your application, as long as you attended an Ivy League School. Anne Marigold can sniff out an elite degree like you wouldn’t believe.

We also need an Ivy League graduate to help us with the housework. We believe that people from the Ivy League do things better. You’ll have to keep the kitchen clean, do laundry, and tidy up. If you went to Princeton and want to outsource the laundry to a Cornell graduate, that’s fine with us, just please keep that person away from our children. We will need you to cook dinner for our kids as well. We want someone to put chicken fingers in the microwave in a way that says, “Supreme Court Justices graduated from my university,” or “my administration is involved in a high-profile sexual assault case.” If you fit that bill, we’d love to hear from you!

The next job requirement is that you give us your eggs/sperm. We have two children already, but we believe we can do better with the third. Chester didn’t learn to read until she was 4.7 years old, and Madison still can’t speak Mandarin. We believe that if our next child had some Ivy League DNA, he or she (but we’ve decided on he) could overcome these deficiencies. We also need you to go out and find another Ivy League graduate to procreate with. And then would you mind also carrying the baby to term?

Finally, we’re going to need you to legally adopt our children so that they get a legacy admissions advantage at an Ivy League school. This should be fairly straightforward; we have all the paperwork ready. After you legally adopt them, they are, of course, yours. You’ll be responsible for their well-being and health for the rest of their lives. If they’re emotionally damaged, it’s your fault. We hope and expect that as a graduate of the prestigious Ivy League, you’re up for the challenge.

Thank you, Ivy League graduate, for considering working with us. We hope you respond to this ad. This position pays $16/hour. We are only interested in candidates who went to Harvard.