CHICAGO—Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Thursday indicated that The Onion doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link. “According to our findings, The Onion doesn’t receive a single goddamn cent unless you dipshits out there on social media move your cursor over to the link and visit the goddamn website,” the report read in part, explaining that “liking” or commenting on a post contributes jackshit to our bottom line and, indeed, has zero impact on the web traffic analytics that help our publication sell the advertisements that allow it to continue operating. “If you enjoy any of this content, any of it at all, it is highly recommended that you take one measly second out of your life to actually navigate to any of our many, many articles that grace your social media feed for free. Or, hell, you could even look at our homepage once in a while. Because unless you actually visit the website, there eventually won’t be one, you ungrateful pricks.” At press time, sources added that, in all likelihood, you had merely enjoyed seeing this headline on Facebook or Twitter and probably weren’t even reading this fucking article.

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