You only drop out of the campaign once. Why not go whole hog?

I have taken the liberty of revising his speech.

Despite what you might’ve heard, ideas matter, policy matters. And I truly hope that these ideas that we’ve laid out will serve as a blueprint for a generation of conservative leaders…. I firmly believe the American people must entrust this office who understands that whoever holds it is a servant, not the master, someone who will commit to that service with honor and decency.”

WHAT THE HECK, AMERICA?

ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? LOOK ME IN THE EYE, AMERICA. THIS IS NOT A GAME. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THIS IS NOT A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW.

ARE YOU CONFUSED? DO YOU THINK THIS IS REALITY TV JUST BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP IS THERE?

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WELL, IT’S NOT. IT IS REALITY REALITY.

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY THAT RESULTS FROM THIS ELECTION.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? I’VE BEEN GOING FROM PLACE TO PLACE TRYING TO TELL PEOPLE THIS: THIS RACE HAS REAL LIFE STAKES. BUT I FEEL LIKE A LESS POPULAR CASSANDRA WITH BIG NEGATIVES WHENEVER PEOPLE HEAR MY FAMILY NAME.

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YOU AREN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO WAKE UP IN 2017 AND BE LIKE, “MY GOD, I DREAMED WE ELECTED DONALD TRUMP! THANK GOD THINGS ARE ACTUALLY IN THE HANDS OF JEB BUSH, A SANE MAN WHO IS NOT THE MOST EXCITING GUY ON EARTH BUT WE ARE FAIRLY SURE IS NOT GOING TO NUKE DENMARK.” THIS IS HAPPENING. FOR REAL.

PLEASE VOTE ACCORDINGLY. IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE TOO LATE FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

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WHO ELSE SANE IS LEFT IN THIS RACE? (glances at list) WELL, WE’LL COME BACK TO THAT.

HONESTLY, I AM NOT CONVINCED THAT ANYONE GETS THIS. I’LL SAY IT AGAIN: YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE UNDER WHOEVER GETS ELECTED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS WHEN I SAY IT?

I don’t think you do. You have gotten rid of the people in the same order that you would get rid of them if this were a reality TV show. You have kept Donald “I’m Not Here To Make Friends” Trump. And Ted “Showtunes Machiavelli” Cruz. And Marco “Photogenic Robocop” Rubio. And Dr. Ben “I Won’t Leave The Campaign Even Though Everyone Keeps Hinting That It Is Time For Me To Go, For Instance By Turning Off All The Lights And Coming Downstairs In Pajamas” Carson. And John “Hey Look He’s Still Here” Kasich.

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And you have gotten rid of me, Jeb Bush, whose only thought was to serve you, that I might earn my exclamation point once and for all and not disgrace my family name.

(sighs) THEY ALWAYS TOLD ME I WAS THE REAL BUSH WHO WAS DESTINED TO LEAD. WHAT WENT SO WRONG? THE SEER SAID THAT IF I CAMPAIGNED A GREAT DYNASTY WOULD BE DESTROYED. BUT I DIDN’T REALIZE WHICH.

I AM WEEPING NOW BUT IT ISN’T FOR ME. IT’S FOR THIS COUNTRY. And for the 95.7 million super PAC dollars who perished for nothing! If you still think that having grotesque amounts of dark money in the form of super PAC dollars will help buy you a campaign, let me remind you that my super PAC spent 95.7 million dollars. 95.7 million. Think what I could have bought with that. I could probably have bought, like an island. Or a robot who might be sentient. It’s a lot of money, is what I’m getting at. Instead, it bought approximately six of the most expensive votes in the history of mankind, and one poster in New Hampshire by the side of the road that had a quote on it from me saying that Donald Trump was not a serious candidate.

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HA. HA.

HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA.

PEOPLE!! This isn’t the Bachelorette. You can’t just decide to not marry the person at the end and spend the rest of your life as a club promoter. This is REAL!

I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS. I HONESTLY DO NOT. I KEEP SAYING IT AND YOU KEEP NODDING BUT I KEEP FEELING LIKE YOUR MIND IS ELSEWHERE, LIKE YOU’RE ONLY HALF PAYING ATTENTION, LIKE YOU’RE EXPECTING AN EXCITING TEXT, OR SOMETHING.

I KNOW YOU USUALLY THINK OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AS SOMETHING BORING THAT HAPPENS EVERY FOUR YEARS THAT IS ONLY MILDLY RELEVANT TO YOUR LIFE, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OLYMPICS, SOMETHING EXCITING THAT HAPPENS EVERY FOUR YEARS THAT IS ONLY MILDLY RELEVANT TO YOUR LIFE

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BUT THIS IS REAL. THIS IS NOT “AMERICA’S GOT TALENT.” YOU CANNOT SUDDENLY REALIZE YOU HAVE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE AND SUMMON BACK A CANDIDATE INTO THE RACE AT THE LAST MINUTE. THERE IS NO, WHAT’S IT CALLED, THAT THING OF WHERE YOU REDEEM A CONTESTANT YOU NOW REALIZE WAS BETTER THAN ANY OF THE REMAINING OPTIONS. THERE ARE NO JUDGES. THERE IS NO NET HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.

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DON’T GET ME WRONG, WE ALL THINK IT WOULD BE FUN TO SEE WHAT A TRUMP PRESIDENCY WOULD BE LIKE. BUT THAT IS A DIFFERENT FEELING FROM WANTING TO LIVE UNDER ONE. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO DIE IN SPACE. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I ACTUALLY WANT TO PHYSICALLY DIE IN SPACE MYSELF. LIKE, I WANT TO READ THOUGHTFUL LONGFORM JOURNALISM ABOUT IT. THE KIND WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE BECAUSE THE WRITER HAS A GRASP OF LANGUAGE THAT EXCEEDS YOUR OWN. BUT THAT’S SORT OF THE EXTENT OF THAT, YOU KNOW? I DO NOT ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE IN A BLACK HOLE, OR LIVE UNDER DONALD TRUMP. BUT I REPEAT MYSELF, HEH HEH.

LIKE, I WANT A TERRARIUM WHERE DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT THAT I CAN LOOK AT FROM TIME TO TIME AND BE LIKE, “MY GOD, WE DODGED A BULLET!”

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I COULD PUT IT ON MY DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE. (sobs heavily) Columba is fine with this outcome. I guess that’s the one upside. Columba really was not looking forward to any of this.

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This has been fun, and all. I get it. We had a good time.

But — like, you realize this is real?

Look, I understand that you don’t like me. I am just a Bush, standing in front of America, asking you to love me, and I realize that this is not necessarily a winning proposition. I should have realized this when my mother said that she thought that two Bushes was enough, before I got into the race, because any time you have to make your mother walk back her opposition to your campaign, you are not on a great footing. But I went ahead.

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That being said: WHAT THE HECK, AMERICA?

Look at this race. Bernie Sanders says, “I’m an actual socialist! I’m 74 years old!” And young Americans respond, “That’s cool! You sound like a viable alternative to Hillary!”

Donald Trump shouts, “You know what I endorse? Killing Muslims with bullets covered in pig fat” and instead of walking away en masse saying, “THIS IS DISGUSTING AND I AM APPALLED AND THIS MAN DOESN’T SPEAK FOR ME AND I’M JUST SO ASHAMED RIGHT NOW, SO UTTERLY UTTERLY ASHAMED, PLEASE BURN EVERYTHING”, people are voting for this man.

Maybe I’m dreaming. Could that be it? Could it be that you’re not dreaming, but I am?

That would make sense.

Please don’t clap.

Please weep.

Weep for me, America. But most of all, weep for yourselves.