My friend Shauna sent me a link to this:

It’s basically a nightstand that doubles as a shield and bat for fighting zombies. And it will totally fucking get you killed.

I mean, I applaud the concept but as soon as you pull out the bat you’re left with a giant exposed nail sticking out of the floor which you will immediately step on because it’s night-time and you can’t even walk across the room without stubbing your toe on something even when there aren’t zombies all over your house and then you’re going to bleed all over the floor and then you’re doubly fucked because you know when someone asks if you want the last orange and you say no because you aren’t hungry but then as soon as they cut into it you smell the citrusy juices inside and then you decide that you totally do want that orange? Exactly. You just became the orange. Plus, now you’re distracted because you have a nightstand base stuck in your foot like you’re some sort of terrible shish-kabob. Honestly, it’s like zombies fucking designed this table.

And even if you do manage to kill the zombies and run out of your house you’ll still have blood pouring from your shoe and then I’m totally going to shoot you with my riot gun because I can’t see that well from my roof and I’m going to assume that you got bit in the foot and I just want to put you out of your misery before you turn into a zombie because I’m thoughtful that way. And then I’ll yell out “STOP SCREAMING. I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU. YOU’RE WELCOME” and that will be the last thing that you ever hear. Plus, then I’ll probably go to hell because I’m pretty sure you get forgiven for shooting an almost-zombie from your roof but I think if you shoot someone who just accidentally stepped on a nail that counts as murder no matter well-intentioned you are. I don’t know. I haven’t gotten to the zombie part in the Bible yet. I imagine it’s probably a mortal sin though. At best it’s hard to defend. So basically now we’re all fucked. Nice job, asshole. Maybe stop being so inconsiderate with your poor choice in zombie furniture and instead keep a riot gun strapped to your roof like the rest of us.

PS. I think I’ve had too many energy drinks today but this is all still valid advice.

Comment of the day: Yeah…No. I’m just going to continue sleeping with a chainsaw under my bed. Also, there’s a surprise twist in the Bible. Turns out *Jesus* is a zombie. That’s why we have Easter. ~ Beckles