Welcome to Unplanned Parenthood, your one-stop shop for all of life’s little prohibitively expensive, often preventable surprises. We are the No. 1 privately funded prenatal facility for women who don’t realize that Planned Parenthood has been run out of town. Thank you for your interest in making a donation to our new clinic. Please, let me show you around!

Having gone to considerable lengths to use government blackmail in order to exercise our faith and impose it on the entire populace, we’ve found that nothing ruins the miracle of birth quite like preparation. Our facilities offer every resource a woman needs to keep her legs closed until a baby somehow (who really knows?) gets in there and then pops out like a wailing, money-sucking jack-in-the-box. Surprise, Mom! Welcome to the rest of your life.

Here at Unplanned Parenthood, if you’re married to a heterosexual cisgender person of the opposite sex, you’re in luck. We’ve got a whole room where you can comfortably give birth. Your doctor will be right by your side to help you through this beautiful process, provided you can pay, up front, the fifteen-thousand-dollar service fee. Cash preferred.

Sorry, we don’t take Medicaid or Medicare. Nor do we accept Obamacare, which is really just taxpayer dollars being squandered on patients preparing for death, which we believe should also be a surprise, as God intended. In fact, instead of “death,” we like to call it “unplanned Paradise.” (Ha! “Paradise!” Just a little joke to lighten the mood. Most of these people are definitely going to Hell.)

If you don’t qualify for the birthing room but are still anticipating an unplanned heterosexual cisgender birth, we have a camping mat on the floor, right next to the Sin Pits.

The Sin Pits? I’m so glad you asked. Since stripping this former abortion depot of its godless death machines, death medicines, and death cancer-screening equipment, we’ve found that we have a lot of leftover space and a lot of clients who do not deserve to use it. So we’ve installed half a dozen deep, dark holes, or “Sin Pits,” where women who arrive seeking condoms (Satan’s rubber sombreros), birth control, routine medical care, S.T.D. testing, or mammograms can go to think about what they’ve done, or to just die quietly, out of the view of more important, less wicked patients.

So, about your donation . . . What’s that? You’ll only write a check if we agree to make exceptions for rape and the life of the mother? Well, you see, the Organization for the Rights of Unplanned Penetrators is one of our biggest backers.

What? You’ve had an abortion yourself? Oh . . . that’s . . . [into walkie-talkie] Sheila, we’ve got another one for the Pits. Bring the stun gun. ♦