If Zara Young, Bryce Dallas Howard's dark-haired assistant, had survived and become the hero, Jurassic World would be a thousand times better.



Hear me out.

Enough time has passed for us, as a nation, to finally have a serious conversation about Jurassic World. I'm going to be upfront with you right now: This article isn't for everyone. Some of the things I'm going to say are going to be controversial. Feelings are going to be hurt. If you're the kind of person who thought the movie was perfect and becomes enraged when you're proven wrong, then you won't like what I'm about to say. But if, like me, you thought it was fun but messy, inferior to its predecessors, and kind of a garbage piece of shit hack movie, then this article might be right up your alley. Because I think I know exactly how to fix it.

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So here's how it's going to go: On the first page, I'm going to lay out all the issues I had with this summer's biggest blockbuster. Then, on the second page, I'm going to explain how Zara could've fixed literally all of it. Are you ready? Come on this journey with me, you bunch of fuck-knuckles.