I'll be totally honest: I fucking love Valentine's Day. I know. I know. You hate it. Hate it. Grrr. You hate it because it's a Hallmark holiday; because it's a shallow, commercialized moneymaker, and because you are extremely cool and tragically brilliant.

Look how cool you are. You're an artist. You know what I find to be the most aggravating thing about Valentine's Day? That every year, at least one person (but always more) will say, as soon as the holiday is brought up, "You know Valentine's Day is just a made up, corporate holiday, right? That it's just designed to make money? Did you know that?" They say it like it's some big secret, and only they know the truth because they dared to break off from the herd and question everything. But, honestly, is there anyone who isn't aware of how commercialized the holiday is? Does anyone think they're honoring a saint or a god or anything when they're buying chocolates? Like smokers knowing that cigarettes might be vaguely dangerous, I think it's safe to say that, from now on, no one will ever have to enlighten anyone else about how basically meaningless Valentine's Day is. No one anywhere thinks they're celebrating to honor any saints, or anything.

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So, do you hate Valentine's Day because you hate consumerism and Valentine's Day shamelessly pulls in $14 billion a year? Fine. Great, you can totally hate consumerism, that's terrific. Just be aware that, when someone is buying somebody else a weepy, overpriced, bastard Hallmark card or a heart-shaped Whitman's Sampler, they're not thinking, "Score one more for consumerism!" No, they're thinking, "Hey, a card. [Insert Name] will really love this," or "Chocolates.