Stop thinking about what to say next while someone is talking to you. Look at the person talking to you. You wouldn’t believe how many people sit there and look around or do something on their smartphones during a conversation. If you didn’t understand something, interrupt politely, repeat what you heard, and ask if you understood correctly. “Did I understand you correctly when you said…?” Ask questions that relate to what is being said. This truly shows interest and makes the conversation much more interesting for everyone involved. The talker is stoked because you just showed them you are interested, and you also profit because now the conversation goes into a direction that you find interesting.

5. Talking about the other person

What is your favorite conversational topic? I bet it’s YOU.

For some reason, humans just love talking about themselves. Therefore, reserve some time to talk about the other person in each conversation you have.

Why is talking about the other person so important?

It builds intimacy.

It helps you get to know each other better.

It makes you more likeable.

In return, the other person will be much nicer and cooperative towards you.

Tip: When you want to start talking about the other person, avoid questions that are hard to answer like, “What’s going on in your life?” or, “How are you doing?”. It feels much more effortless to the other person if you ask about specific things.

E.g: “I am curious. What happened with this girl you met on Sunday?”

6. Not abandoning the person you came with

This one sounds obvious but trust me, it’s not!

The other day my girlfriend Kristina and I were riding the subway with our friend Sasha when she met an old friend. Even though Krisi and I would have totally been ok with her talking to her friend, we were positively surprised when Sasha said goodbye to her friend after two or three minutes and came back to us because she didn’t just want to leave us. Afterwards, my girlfriend and I were impressed by how nice that was of her.

I feel abandonment in social situations is one of the most important subjects to talk about because if you don’t do it right, you will not only be perceived as impolite, you will actually hurt people deeply! Abandonment is a form of rejection. What it implies is, “Hey, I’d rather spend my time with someone else.”

In his book Emotional First Aid psychologist Guy Winch writes:

“Rejections elicit emotional pain so sharp it affects our thinking, floods us with anger , erodes our confidence and self-esteem, and destabilizes our fundamental feeling of belonging.”

So don’t take abandoning someone at a party, or anywhere else, lightly, even if the person says it’s ok.

Instead of just leaving, tell the person you came with, “Hey, there is my friend Lara. You have got to meet her!” Then start a conversation that is interesting to everyone.

Loyalty has become rare in our times, but you wouldn’t believe how important it is.

7. Looking at everyone while talking

Situation: You are talking to a group of people. If you don’t want to alienate anyone from that group make sure you distribute your eye contact evenly.

When someone seems to lose interest focus on that person or even ask them a question. It will bring the attention back instantly.

Make everyone feel like they are a part of the conversation and their attention will be yours.

8. Being open about your feelings

Acquaintance: “How are you?”

You: “To be honest, I feel like shit.”…

Straightforwardness is rare and therefore interesting. Too many people hide their feelings behind routine sentences like, “I’m fine, thanks. How are you?”

People who say what they feel are refreshingly different. So, surmount yourself to saying what you feel and experience an instant boost in interest from others.

9. Make the other person an expert

This grabs people directly by their ego.

“Do you know why I always get this error message?”

“You know a lot about social marketing, do you?”

“How can I shoot more accurately?”

“Is it true that mercury evaporates at room temperature?”

“Could you explain to me how layers work in Photoshop?”

These questions are not only positioning the other person as an expert, they are stroking their ego so much, that you can learn a lot of stuff from them.

The other day a friend of mine started a conversation like this:

He: “Julian you are quite a Photoshop expert, aren’t you?”

I (happy on the inside): “Well, I know a thing or two.”

He: “I want to create this course map for a disc golf tournament. May I call you this week if I have a question?”

I: “Sure! I could also come over if you want and show you everything.”

It’s as easy as that, it’s a win-win, and it works 100% of the time.

10. Noticing something positive about the other person

Paying attention to little things is extremely important – especially with women. If you notice a positive change point it out. Don’t remain silent!

“Have you dyed your hair? The new color suits you really well.”

“Do you work out? Damn, you look strong.”

“Wow, you are glowing with joy.” – after a positive event like a wedding or graduation.

Word of caution: Stay away from lines like, “Oh my god you have lost so much weight!” Yes, you had good intentions but you can’t win that battle. Just stay away from everything that involves weight, and the loss thereof.

11. Accepting compliments

It sounds stupid, but accepting compliments is challenging for many people. Especially for people with low self-esteem. I know the feeling well. It was also hard for me, most of my life.

This is how people who can’t accept compliments react:

“Nah, you are just bullshitting with me.”

“Look at you, you look ten times better than me.”

“Are you kidding? I think that’s the worst thing about me.”

“It wasn’t me. It was all thanks to you.”

A better way to react:

“Thanks! Hearing that feels really good.”

“Thank you so much! So few people notice.”

“Thanks, I worked so hard for it and finally someone notices.”

“Thank you! What an amazing experience.”

12. Notice the signals others give you

Believe it or not, people give you cues while you are talking. I’ll translate some for you:

“Mh”, “aha”, “ok” + seeming absent minded = You are boring as fuck.

Not asking any questions = Next topic please!

Looking at the clock several times = Please Scotty beam me out of here!

Looking around the room = All of the above.

Staring into your eyes and listening closely = You are fascinating! Tell me more!

Looking at your lips and not listening to your words (at a date) = Please undress me!

There are countless signals. The list above covers just a few. The point I am trying to make is: Pay attention to the signals people give you!

A final tip

In this post, we have covered a lot of ground so far.

To have the maximum effect, I recommend you take one or two of the tips above and consciously use them in your everyday interactions with people. Once they have become second nature you can add more and more.

Now over to you. Do you have any tips or tricks for improving one’s social skills? Share them in the comments.

I wish you all the best!

Take care,

Julian

If you want to learn more social skills tips like this I highly recommend you check this out: Transform Your Social Life