Several recent high-profile investigations, from the ongoing impeachment inquiry to House probes into the actions of companies like Facebook and Boeing, have put the spotlight on congressional testimony, although they represent only a fraction of people who have appeared to offer explanations or background to Congress. The Onion provides tips for testifying to Congress.


Don’t be too eager to say yes to the first congressional hearing you’re asked to speak at—it’s better if you wait for the right one to come along.




Start off with a light joke, like “Is this water, or truth serum?”



A calm, respectful demeanor is absolutely crucial unless you’re a Supreme Court nominee.




Remember, you only get three “passes” during questioning.



Iowa congresswoman Abby Finkenauer is going to carve you up. Nothing you can do about it.




Do not be the chairman and CEO of Facebook.



Have some pieces of deli meat in your pocket to keep your energy up.



Tell the truth unless someone who can pardon you wants you to lie.



While it is the congressman’s job to flirt with you, it doesn’t mean they actually like you.




No matter what happens, take solace that Congress never actually doles out consequences.

