At a recent MIP Junior, an annual trade show held in Cannes that focuses specifically on children’s television, Hasbro Studios President Stephen J. Davis announced that Satan himself would be returning to Earth accompanied by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – Transformers films 5, 6, 7, and 8. “We decided that we wanted to plot out the next ten years of the Transformers franchise, so we got together in a room over a three month period of time and pretty much caused the return of the Antichrist,” said Davis, jovially.

Hasbro Studios recently constructed four pits burrowing straight into Hell. “We figured, why not go to the source for all things evil and horrendous, am I right?” stated Davis as he counted large sums of money. “Oh yeah, and we got some big names helping out in the writers room this time,” he said as he continually dropped wads of currency, most of which was held together with a thin rubber band. “The Walking Dead and Battle Pope creator Robert Kirkman, Daredevil showrunner Steve S. DeKnight, screenwriting duo Art Marcum and Matt Holloway, they wrote Iron Man, uh let’s see…” As he thought, Davis fumbled through more bundles of cold, hard cash.

“Ah, fuck me, sorry. So much of this stuff. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, we’ve also got Black Hawk Down writer Ken Nolan and Fringe producer and writer Jeff Pinkner, and that’s just to name a few! I don’t know how we got so lucky!” As Davis finished his sentence, money literally fell out of his mouth, along with a cool, refreshing can of Bud Light.

On top of all this, Hasbro also announced, with Lucifer’s blessing, their intent to create a “Transformers Cinematic Universe”, complete with prequels and spin-off films. “People don’t know this, but there are actually a lot more than just the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” the Fallen Angel stated as he sharpened his pitchfork. “Needless to say, Hell is gonna be here for the foreseeable future. I think we pitched like, twelve goddamned ideas? We’re working on more pits to Hell at Hasbro now, it’s gonna be fuckin’ great. The additional Horsemen support can’t come any sooner.”

He pulled out a signed photo of Michael Bay and laughed. “Man, we go way back. His soul is fuckin’ dark man. He gave me this bitchin’ idea to do like a G.I. Joe/Transformers crossover thing? Maybe add in Jem? I think Bumblebee has potential for a spin-off as well. So many ideas, I can’t wait to see them all through!” At that moment, several one-hundred dollar bills protruded from the Dark Lord’s many orifices.

At press time, Beelzebub revealed plans to use the name Beast Wars for one of the many spin-off Horsemen of the Apocalypse, cackling into the night and pissing on the collective childhoods of many.