THE leading causes of death in the UK are paying for hospital parking spaces and paying fines for hospital parking spaces.

Parking at hospitals, which is now run under the same principles as parking at airports because that makes perfect sense, has overtaken heart disease, cancer and Brexit as the UK’s top killer.

Visitor Stephen Malley said: “My aunt had suffered heart problems but was expected to make a full recovery. I told her how much the bloody parking was. She flatlined.

“The medical team did their best to save her but when one of the nursing staff admitted they have to pay it as well, even though they work here, her body basically shut down.

“I stayed with her until the end. That cost me an extra £80 in fines and £45 in administration fees.”

An NHS spokesman said: “The government wants to privatise the NHS but has settled for making the ground surrounding it inaccessible for anyone but the very, very rich.

“I’ve sold my car and parachute 6,000ft onto the hospital roof from a light aircraft each morning. It’s cheaper.”