Duncan Hunter, Republican representative from California, has one, and only one message for you this holiday season: "Yes, I vape."

He goes on to say "And why do I vape? It is because it prevents me from smoking the real thing." That's actually a sort of uncommon result for users of electronic cigarettes, as a Reuters poll earlier this year found that about 75 percent of Americans who vape continue to use traditional tobacco products, but good on Duncan the Handsome Leaner.

In a letter to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Hunter chided Democrats for risking the future of the allegedly life-saving vape industry, saying "e-cigarettes are a suitable alternative to cigarettes, and they could very well save my life."

To say that e-cigarettes are a suitable alternative to cigarettes is sort of like saying that joining a fight club is a suitable alternative to your shopping addiction. As in: um, maybe? But evidence is stacking up to the contrary, and don't you think that maybe carrot sticks or gum would be better? Take care of yourself, please.

Another suitable alternative to cigarettes: gumballs or something, god

And to say that an industry should be protected by the United States government because you have a bit of a hunch that it will be good for your personal health is sort of like saying, "I don't really understand what my job is!"

Side note to Duncan: if you have a sweet tooth, it's time to start looking out for warning signs of a fascinating condition called "popcorn lung" that has been linked to a chemical in cotton candy, cupcake, and "Fruit Squirt" vape flavors. It's irreversible and the reason you aren't supposed to immediately inhale the aroma of freshly microwaved popcorn!

Seriously, take care of yourself.