HARRISBURG, PA—While checking his phone shortly after arriving at work today, local man Scott Teresi was reportedly gripped by a sudden sense of abject terror upon noticing he had missed a call from his father at 9:09 a.m. “Oh, God,” said the petrified 31-year-old, who is said to have immediately and involuntarily started imagining numerous unpleasant scenarios that might have prompted his father’s attempted communication at such an hour on a weekday, ranging from a sudden downturn in his grandmother’s health, to an accident involving his mother, to the dissolution of his parents’ marriage, to some unforeseen, chilling admission from his father that he could not even begin to envision. “He knows I’m at work, but he still decided to call? This is definitely not going to be good. Fuck.” At press time, Teresi was staring at his father’s 26-second voicemail, trying to work up the nerve to press play.

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