For those of us who do work in the yard occasionally.. Remember the

checklist!



If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is

funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.



We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,

I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To

make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a

single wire along the top of the fence.



Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for

26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it

7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you

have in the ground, the better the fence works.



One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel

push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew

for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the

wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.



It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.



Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand

and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the

charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an

upside down cow on fire on the cover.



Time stood still.



The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side

of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower

ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &

Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was

literally at one with the engine.



It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower

were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.



Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to

differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3

different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of

bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back

and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there

were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was

like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.



At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto

the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't

let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but

Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or

whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.



This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now

accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom

soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and

take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.



'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!



Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping

run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God

please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough

lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI

motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.



So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing

in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that

day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the

misery my own stupidity had created..



I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying

on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It

was later on in the day and I was sunburned.



There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and

then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was

on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure

and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.



Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:



1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.



2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek

(not the left, just the right).



3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as

you might think.



4- My left eye will not open.



5- My right eye will not close.



6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little

session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was

better than new after that.



7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot

long.



8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of

the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I

appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make

sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I

can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT

gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to

triple check before I mow.







Steve