(NOTE FROM HELEN – I use a lot of dirty words in this story. A lot even for me. And dirty even for me. If you suffer through the nasty language, I think you might enjoy the intended message. If not, I’m sorry. Get over it.)

Margaret, I know you didn’t watch the shit show this week, so I did. We pride ourselves on being informed so I suffered through it for the both of us. Here is what you missed:

Night One: Land of Heroes – Evidently most heroes are white and scream a lot.

– Evidently most heroes are white and scream a lot. Night Two: Land of Promise – The GOP promises that if you vote for Donald, you will never, ever have a black person as a next door neighbor. Plus! Melania promises that the guy who left his first two wives and then cheated on her will never, ever lie to you.

– The GOP promises that if you vote for Donald, you will never, ever have a black person as a next door neighbor. Plus! Melania promises that the guy who left his first two wives and then cheated on her will never, ever lie to you. Night Three: Land of Opportunity – Given the opportunity, Mike and Karen Pence would probably tell me to my face that they are more Christian than I. Pence gives an amazing speech while simultaneously crawling up Trump’s ass. Also, Donald Trump really didn’t hug his kids enough… if at all.

– Given the opportunity, Mike and Karen Pence would probably tell me to my face that they are more Christian than I. Pence gives an amazing speech while simultaneously crawling up Trump’s ass. Also, Donald Trump really didn’t hug his kids enough… if at all. Night Four: Land of Great Asshats – Ben Carson put a cup of coffee to sleep. In the land of greatness if you stay out past curfew, some white guy also out past curfew gets to shoot you. It’s in the constitution. Oh and, Trump lied.

Basically, the theme of the week is that only Donald Trump can save us from the mess that Donald Trump made. However, it had an interesting subplot where some bitch YELLED LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER at us right before her high-as-a-kite boyfriend and his brother begged the business man who raised them to please love them.

Sorry for the bad words. It’s just that I am overly anxious after a week of speakers screaming at me about HOW HORRIBLE AMERICA IS. It was almost as if they forgot that Donald Trump was President.

Years ago, I got caught calling Sarah Palin a bitch and suddenly a whole lot of people started paying attention to our little blog. In retrospect, I should not have called her a bitch. That word is derogatory towards women. It’s also a female dog and honestly dogs are just the best which would mean a female dog is perfection and I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that Sarah Palin is perfect. I meant to suggest that she is a stupid twat. No wait.

Twat is another one of those words that offends me because it is another derogatory word that is almost exclusively used to denigrate women. I say “almost” exclusively because I have watched a few English comedy shows during quarantine and it appears that they apply that word to pretty much everybody. But still, it’s not a word I like. My apologies to all of you for having to read it. I know I could go back and just delete it, but then I would also have to delete all the words I have written afterwards and that is really just too much time and energy wasted on Sarah Palin. And honestly, who cares about that b… that t…. that… let’s just go with asshat. Who cares about that asshat anymore?

Asshat is genderless, right? I mean everyone has an ass and a head and pretty much every Republican I have met – male, female, intersex, Lindsey Graham – has been able to easily and successfully stick their head up their own ass or, in the case of Lindsey Graham, up Trump’s ass. There doesn’t seem to be male/female preference for being an asshat. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU KIMBERLY GUFFEROLLAFUL.. GUFF.. GUER…. never mind her last name. You know who I am talking about. That bitch who is dating Don Jr. Oh crap. I said bitch. I meant asshat. KIMBERLY GOOGLELY IS AN ASSHAT. KEEP READING BECAUSE THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

I really am sorry. It’s one of those old dogs, new tricks situations. I need to stop using the term bitch to describe Republican women who always seem to have their head up their asses.

Maybe if I try to apply that term to a man…

Mike Pence, however, is the real bitch. Well shit. That doesn’t work either. Using bitch to belittle a man doesn’t really solve my problem. Mike Pence is actually a homophobic, boot licking, mother fucker…

Now wait. Just hold on right there. Hard stop.

Mother fucker is a horrible expression and I have now used it twice. It is just horrible and not a term I tolerate. Except… Mike literally sleeps with a woman he calls Mother. So, there is that. But between you and me, I’m not real sure about the fucker part. He seems more like the Jerry Falwell Jr. in the corner while mother has sex with the pool boy type. My goodness but I sound like a dime store novel.

Unrelated but related, I need to remind you that Evangelicals got behind Trump in large numbers when Jerry Falwell Jr. told them that Trump was their guy. Is anyone now asking Evangelicals why Jerry Falwell Jr. was the guy they were listening to in the first place?

But I digress…

I need to stop here and explain something. I have always had a “sailor’s mouth” as my mother used to say. I haven’t shied away from words like shit, damn and asshole. I rarely used the term bitch until I met Sarah Palin, but the term just seemed to fit her so well. The problem is, once you let that cat out of the bag, a whole lot of other cats start hanging around. Cats like twit, mother fucker and even (dare I say it) the c-word. Cocaine.

How in the world did I get this low? How in the world did Jr. get that high?

I’m supposed to go high when they go low. And speaking of high, did anyone else catch Don Jr.’s speech? I mean this isn’t my world. I am really out of my lane here, but was that cocaine? It was cocaine, right? Or did that Kimberly girl just bitch slap the hell out of him? Oh shit, I used the word bitch again. Damn it. I blame the Trumps. They did this to me. They ruin everything. Of course, that doesn’t explain why I called Sarah Palin a bitch so many years ago. That was long before Trump. It must be the GOP then. The GOP ruins everything.

In truth, I might be on to something here. The GOP gave us Sarah and Donald. Son of a bitch! That’s it!

No wait. That’s an even worse expression. I’m just arbitrarily calling some mother a bitch. Unless of course that mother is Karen Pence! Oh, dear Lord. I’m really digging myself into a hole. I really don’t enjoy becoming this person. I’m normally a very happy, go lucky, you-be-you kind of gal. But in the last four years…

The last four years.

Isn’t that how it usually works, though? It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s usually a slow slide. You use bitch once and then you use it again and eventually it slides off the tongue like melted butter.

Take Trump for example. He lies. He lies a lot actually. And in the beginning, we were all taken aback by it. It was almost comical until it wasn’t. I’ll release my taxes but then I won’t. I admitted to sexually assaulting women and then I was really just joking. I told my wife I do until I didn’t. He lies. And then he lies about his lies. And then he lies so much we begin to normalize it because… That is just Trump being Trump. At least you always know what is on his mind. He’s not afraid to say what he is thinking. And before you know it, you’re drinking bleach, sticking a lightbulb up your ass, eating aquarium cleaners, not wearing a mask and just like that – 180,000 Americans are dead.

Or here is another one. You start by preventing people of color from living in buildings you own. You falsely accuse five young black boys of murder and call for their execution. You suggest that America’s first black President isn’t a legal citizen. You accuse Mexicans of being rapists and drug dealers. You call black neighborhoods hell on earth. You suggest Nazis are very fine people even when they drive a car over someone. You give a national platform to two accused felons who pointed guns at peaceful protestors and let them tell white people to arm themselves because the blacks are coming for them. And just like that you have a white kid shooting people in the face because they are protesting police who are shooting black people in the back. Hate slips off Donald’s tongue like so much… so much melted butter.

In Trump’s America, a black man who might have a knife gets shot in the back seven times by police officers while a white teenager shooting people with a gun gets water and a thank you from police officers. So much butter in Trump’s big, fat America.

Trump, my friends, is a bitch of a twat mother fucker. And I have no intentions of apologizing for using those words to describe him. It was a slippery slope to get there, but no other words fit quite so well. I thought about calling him the c-word. The c – word is a word that once referred to something beautiful. The Hindu Goddess Kunti, or great “Yoni of the Universe,” represented the beauty and power of the female body. It then was wrongfully changed to suggest something ugly because celebrating female sexuality was considered evil. It was beautiful and then someone decided to make it ugly. Trump takes everything that is beautiful and makes it ugly. He also seems to hate females. So, to me that word fits him. But as I type all these nasty words, I wonder if maybe I am digging myself into a hole. And is it a hole I want to dig for myself because in Trump’s America, I feel like I reached bottom a long time ago.

I like words. And I like President’s who knows more than four or five words. I don’t like Trump.

But speaking of digging a hole. Did you catch Nikki Haley’s speech? Now there is a woman who needs to stop digging. Nikki Haley has officially reached bottom too. Did she really go on national TV to make the case that America isn’t racist and then go on to make her case by describing how when she was Governor of South Carolina she had to remove a certain divisive symbol from the state’s Capitol after a white supremacist murdered several black people while they were praying in their church? I mean did I really hear her right? Damn it. This not calling people a bitch thing is really, really getting hard.

Ok. Let me start over here. Kimberly Gerfoul.. Gerulfile… Kimberly Goofball… you know.. that bitch dating Don Jr…

Well shit.

At this time, I would like to apologize to Margaret’s and my readers for my inability to discuss the Republican Party without using the terms bitch, fuckers, asshat, and the c-word. You all deserve better. And as a woman I should strive to be better. And I will try to be better. In fact, I will try to be best. And speaking of Melania. That bitch ruined Jackie’s rose garden. She took away all the color and most of the trees so she could get some better camera angles for her speech… oh shit. See what I did there? I got going on a rant and almost didn’t catch myself calling yet another female member of the GOP a bitch.

Ok deep breath. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1

Now exhale.

Ok. I can do this. I can. I will. From this point forward, I commit to treating all women with more respect. Throwing out the term bitch every time I get mad at someone is lazy. It’s ignorant. It’s anti-woman. And I need to stop it because it is also misleading.

They aren’t bitches. They aren’t assholes or asshats. They aren’t mother fuckers. They aren’t even the c-word.

The are liars. Plain and simple. And you don’t respond to liars by calling them names. You respond to liars by telling the truth.

I respect just how artfully Melania planned that rose garden massacre. About the same time that Trump realized his convention would have to be virtual, Melanie (oops – Melania) decided that the Rose Garden needed a remodel. In the middle of a pandemic and an economic disaster, the rose garden just had to have a makeover. Afterall, to get enough cameras and lighting for her Rose Garden Convention Speech, she would need to remove some trees and add some cement. She is clever that one. I’ll give her that. She might be the most clever of all the Trumps. I bet for awhile there, she was taking butter to bed with her almost every night. I also bet that of all the words that begin with C, you didn’t think I would use clever to describe Melania.

Kimberly Gerfo… Guhig… Guffoffly isn’t as clever. And she is not a bitch. I mean she is, but you won’t hear that from me… anymore. She is loud. I will give her that. VERY LOUD. And she dates a man who seems to snort lots of cocaine and quite literally lures endangered animals out of hiding so he can murder them. She left Fox News due to accusations of sexual misconduct and abusive behavior. Granted she denies that, but anyone who saw her screaming at America the other night probably would concur that she’s not an ideal co-worker.

But enough about Kimberly. She is so not interested in the truth that she doesn’t even realize her mother isn’t an immigrant. Kimberly, they had an acutal immigrant on later in the show. You didn’t have to lie. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LEADERS AND FIGHTERS FOR FREEDOM AND LIBERTY, KIM’S PUERTO RICAN MOTHER IS ACTUALLY A US CITIZEN! It was inevitable that Kim would find the Trumps – another family that seems to get confused about Puerto Ricans. I’m just shocked she had a brief layover with Gavin Newsome on her way to hell. But I guess that might say more about Gavin than it does about Kimberly.

Nikki Haley really isn’t a bitch either. She is a liar, sure. And a hypocrite, absolutely. She admitted that Donald Trump was “everything we hear and teach our children not to do in Kindergarten” . She then went to work for him and now supports his reelection. The woman who couldn’t even last two full years working for Trump wants us to sign up for eight years. What exactly is she teaching her children now? By the way, Nikki, the word you forgot to use in your speech was Confederate. It was a Confederate flag you were talking about. And all those black lives that you said mattered? You forgot a few. You forgot Emmett, Eric, Dante, Treyvon, Breonna, George… You forgot to mention those black lives and so many others. Did they matter, Nikki? Did they? Because they were all somebody’s baby.

Racism in America is real Nikki. They’ll be asking for your birth certificate in four years. Mark my words.

And speaking of birth certificates…

In retrospect, Melania Trump is not a bitch either. She really doesn’t care anyway. She does not care about a lot of things. She says she does, but she doesn’t. She told us she was taking on internet bullies and well that didn’t go very well. She is still married to the king of internet trash. She went to visit children in cages quite literally wearing a jacket that said, “I really don’t care. Do you?”. She says it had nothing to do with the visit, but that really isn’t the point. The point is that the First Lady doesn’t care. The woman has never apologized for suggesting that Obama’s birth certificate wasn’t real. Mr. and Mrs. Birther. God, they are awful.

And now at the convention Melania claimed that Donald Trump is honest. Seriously? The man is on record lying to the American people thousands of times. He cheated on all three of his wives including Melania, whom he cheated on with a porn star shortly after Melania gave birth to Barron. Bless her heart, but the third wife (third!) actually told Americans that Donald would never give up on you. I mean if irony was going to die, how better fitting than to die in a rose garden that Melania renovated to look like a cemetery?

(Side note: I don’t have an issue with porn stars. I hear Stormy is a pretty good one. In truth, Melania got her start as one – sort of. I really don’t know the difference between a soft porn star and a hard porn star. Well, unless they are male. But I am getting off track. I just thought I should point out that in the Trump family you can go from porn to the White House in less than one lifetime… that’s impressive regardless of your political affiliation. OK. This was really just an opportunity for me to point out that Tim Scott’s family going from Cotton to Congress in one lifetime is indeed remarkable. But it’s even more remarkable that he doesn’t see the irony in that statement. The irony that he isn’t just the first, but he is THE ONLY African American to be elected to both the United States House and Senate. Tim, why aren’t there more?)

If Donald Trump had been President in 1996, Melania would not even be an American citizen. And neither would her parents. Barron would probably be called a dreamer or an anchor baby. And while I appreciate that Melania’s heart [sic] goes out to the families who have lost loved ones to COVID-19, just what exactly has she done about it? What empathy has she or her husband ever shown to anyone? Let me remind you AGAIN that the woman wore an I DON’T CARE jacket to visit kids in cages and her husband said he had no responsibility when it came to the pandemic. I honestly must question the existence of a heart in either one of them.

And speaking of heartless…

Mike Pence is not a bitch either. He is a mother fucker by definition. Hey, come on now. I’m not willing to budge on that. I don’t call Karen, Mother. He does.

You don’t like the expression Mother Fucker? Ok. Fair enough. Let me just go back to calling him a homophobic, hypocritical, liar. That’s not name calling. That is just fact. If you are reading this and you are voting for Trump, then I am not going to waste my time explaining why each of those words is accurate. You have access to the internet. Use your head for something other than a hat rack and Google it.

Mike is asking us to make America great again… again. His words. Not mine. He wants us to make America great again, again. I am wondering if the second time around we can do it without praising Nazis, without botching the response to a pandemic, and with Biden as President rather than Trump. I would watch that sequel.

All week long we have been hearing that the only one who can save us from this mess is the guy who made the mess. I am actually writing this on Thursday afternoon, before Donald gives his speech. I don’t intend to watch. I don’t need to watch. He will lie a few times, call it the China virus, suggest that Biden wants to defund police, tell us that suburbs are about to become shithole countries, and then finish it off with a few more lies all while tightly squeezing his butt cheeks so Lindsey Graham, Marco Rubio, Susan Collins, Martha McSally and Mitch McConnell don’t fall out.

If you really believe that the protesting and the resulting violence in the streets right now can be blamed on Biden, then nothing anyone says or writes is going to save you from yourself. Trump is the President. He has been the President since 2017. He is the one dividing us. He is the one who called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers. He is the one who said Nazis were fine people. He is the one speaking ill of our allies while professing his love for Kim Jong-un. He is the one who ignored Russian bounties on American soldiers. He is the one suggesting that suburbs will be overrun by people of color if we don’t vote for him. He created this entire mess. He has been the President for four years. The buck stops with him. He wants us to believe that he created the greatest economy in history. Funny. Two weeks into quarantine tens of thousands of families were lining up at food banks. How come so many people were one paycheck away from poverty?

This election is a choice between decency and debauchery. It started five years ago when the GOP candidates debated the size of each other’s penis and then ultimately nominated the man who mocked a disabled person and bragged about sexually assaulting women. They melted the butter.

I don’t claim to be decent. I have a mouth like a sailor. But I am not running for President. I don’t represent the American people. I have not taken an oath of office to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. The world doesn’t turn to me for guidance and doesn’t hold me up as an example.

When it comes to telling stories, I choose naughty words because they make me laugh. But when it comes to choosing a President, I choose honesty. I choose decency. I choose Biden.

To quote Kimberly Guilfoyle, THE BEST IS YET TO COME! They are coming in January and their names are Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. I mean it. Really.

NOTE FROM MARGARET: Helen, did you know they went and remade One Day at a Time? Not sure it was necessary but that Rita Moreno sure is a hoot.

Text VOTE to 30330 and then make your plan to vote.