I SEE ALPHYS, I SEE FRANCIS: PART 1

One warm, sunless and peaceful afternoon in the fiery, rocky, blistering-hot depths of Hotland, Alphys was frantically pacing about on the immaculately tiled floor of her adorably anime-decorated lab, making sure everything in there was clean and tidy for Undyne's upcoming visit...only this time, she really wasn't sure if her beloved fish girlfriend actually WAS going to be the one coming over to visit her.

"Every passing day, I start to feel more and more like there's something...not quite right between me and Undyne, honestly." Alphys bent over and shrugged with a deep monologuing sigh as she pulled out a wet sponge from her pockets and scrubbed the last few remaining ramen-broth stains off of her otherwise sparkling-clean floor while Undyne snuck up to her front door and curiously eavesdropped on her through its conspicuously large peephole.

"I mean seriously, she's so constantly and UNYIELDINGLY busy throwing her freaking stupid little SPEARS at literally EVERY goddamned person she sees that she seemingly almost never even BOTHERS to actually spend legitimate quality TIME with me!" Alphys growled irritatedly, throwing her arms up in the air in frustration as she dejectedly trudged her way over to her messily cluttered, trash-littered computer desk while Undyne crossed her otherwise dearly Alphys-loving arms over her chest and began impatiently tapping her foot on the ground outside.

"And honestly, for the love of God, how many flipping times do I have to remind her that ANIME ISN'T REAL?! Literally EVERY single time she comes over! ALWAYS with the goddamned stereotypical anime-hero enthusiasm! NEVER with the actually making a respectable attempt to properly SPEAK to me like a real f%# ing PERSON! I tell you, I can't bloody STAND it!" Alphys ranted furiously, swinging both of her scrawny little dinosaur arms straight down beside her as she ravenously, frantically rummaged through the massive piles of instant-noodle cups covering her desk and threw them forcefully into the automatically-incinerating trash can next to her desk, clenching her fists and gritting her teeth in anger as the resulting nasty and plastic-smelling smoke fumes from the trash can billowed up ominously into the air.

"And then, OH YES, THEN, literally JUST when I think I've already met THE most obnoxiously childish, egomaniacal, outright BLOWHARD little buffoon on the face of the Earth...freaking METTATON AND PAPYRUS come along! Seriously, WHY can't I have my OWN stupid freaking autism in PEACE without CONSTANTLY spreading it to literally EVERYONE around me like a goddamned cancerous PLAGUE?! For the love of absolute F%# -nuggets, WHY?!" Alphys screamed in horror, curling up into a ball and helplessly sucking her thumb in dismay while Undyne merely facepalmed and rolled her eyes in a mixture of profound disappointment and confusion.

"Alphys, just so you know, I am NEVER coming over to your ridiculously oversized house again until you finally learn that the whole damned world doesn't always constantly REVOLVE around you nonstop like a bunch of freaking ATOMS spinning around a nucleus or however the bloody hell you described it! Until then, you wanna know who's got a freaking EYE on whom? ME, that's who!" Undyne pulled out her iPhone from her pants pockets and angrily tweeted to Alphys on her Twitter chat.

"Damnit, she's RIGHT..." Alphys shrugged and sighed as she briefly pulled out her own adorably Undyne-matching iPhone from her lab-coat pockets to answer Undyne's message with a short and simple OKAY, then lazily and ever-so-miserably slouched into her office chair, with numerous hypothetical possibilities running through her mind regarding the many, many ways that she could potentially find a workaround for her rather troubling current predicament.

(Well, obviously, one of them was just to simply apologize to Undyne and get it over with right then and there, but NO, of course not; knowing Alphys, there was literally no telling what sort of crazy and horribly misguided experimental thing she would more than likely end up trying next.)

"OOH, I KNOW!" Alphys suddenly realized in a stroke of genius, triumphantly pointing her finger straight up into the air (while shuddering in dreadful disgust at the mere thought of her backup plan to engage in a one-night stand with the horrifyingly hideous Amalgamates down in her basement, of course) as she leapt right out of her seat and headed straight up the back-door-end escalator into the upstairs area of her lab, in which a very strange and peculiar new invention of hers that looked suspiciously like the time-travel capsule straight out of Futurama's pilot episode was housed in the very same exact place where she normally kept her cube-bed.

"With this borderline copyright-infringing new invention of mine, which I have very proudly dubbed as the SOUL-Mate Searcher 5000 (WARNING: ORIGINAL NAME, DO NOT STEAL), I should be able to automatically locate, from literally anywhere in the universe, whomever Toby decided to rip off the most gratuitously and blatantly in the process of creating and designing me...er, I mean, whomever just so happens to be most like me...and teleport them right in here with literally nothing more than the mere touch of a single measly button!" Alphys read diligently off of the extensive script written down on her clipboard as she eagerly inputted the password on the device's keypad, disabling the holographic shielding around its control panel's bright red and literally singular button while she anxiously wagged her tail and hopped up and down with excitement, taking a brief moment to cover her mouth with her clipboard and literally SQUEE at the mere thought of how adorably cute her soulmate could quite possibly end up being.

"Gee, I sure WONDER who THAT might be?" Alphys smugly teased the readers, shooting her classic seductive lizard glare at them and grinning mischievously as she slyly crossed her legs, sassily placed her right hand onto her respective hip, casually leaned over to the side of her and hit the button every bit as nonchalantly as she possibly could with her left index finger.

In an incredibly melodramatic sequence that visibly reeked of purely concentrated video-game-logic nonsense, the energy generated from the machine by Alphys' button press somehow managed to thoroughly travel all the way around and across the entire omniverse within a measly thirty seconds, seeking out Lisa from the Simpsons universe, hunting down Otacon from Alphys' home planet Earth, and then finally settling on Francis (in other words, literally just the green, ugly, male and evil version of Alphys) from the Super Mario universe!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?" the Energorb generated by the machine set itself down on the unoccupied side of Francis' man-cave sofa, which was actually being tilted slightly upward into the air by the disgustingly unhygienic, reekingly fat and sweaty weeaboo loser's sheer weight pressing down on the other side as he lazily sat and gluttonously stuffed his stupid ugly face with Cheetos with his left hand while fapping to...I mean, WATCHING Boku No Pico with his right...and dipping his tail into a cup of cheese sauce that he had just randomly lying around on the floor down below so that he could then proceed to eat its contents right off of his own revoltingly unwashed tail, letting out an incredibly loud burp to top the whole utterly pathetic, Chris-Chan-tacular mess that he had been making of himself for the past several years right off.

"Umm...does building cute little cat-shaped robots, watching anime literally all day and living egregiously off of my mom's retirement fund because I'm too goddamned lazy and selfish to do anything else ring a bell?" Francis asked, blowing his repugnant mayonnaise breath into the Energorb's luckily nonexistent face and causing the poor emotionless thing to scoff in disgust.

"LOOK AT YOU, SITTING IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION SCREEN AND FAPPING ENDLESSLY TO A BUNCH OF F%#&ING GRATUITOUSLY UNDERAGED CHILDREN, WITH CHEETOS CRUMBS ALL OVER YOUR F#$%ING SHIRT. YOU'RE DUST TO ME. YOU'RE DISGUSTING. YOU'RE F%#*ING SICK. YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU'RE DIRT. F%^# YOU." the Energorb liberally recited a pre-recorded Filthy Frank quote and spat disgustedly in Francis' face.

"Who in the hell would want to do THAT?" Francis clutched his belly and laughed uproariously as he lifted his tail and let out such an unbearably gigantic and nasty fart that it caused his couch cushions to literally come to life, pack their bags and run away, subsequently causing the fat f%#& to collapse ass-first right onto the bare base of his sofa and effectively break the whole damned thing in half.

"HMM...YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD F%#$ING QUESTION; ONE THAT I DO BELIEVE I JUST MIGHT HAVE THE ANSWER TO." the Energorb laughed as it expanded itself to disproportionately massive size, encased Francis within itself and sent him on his way straight to the blissfully unaware and adorably anxious little Alphys' lab in Hotland.

"EMERGENCY: TELEPORTATION CIRCUIT HAS ENCOUNTERED TEMPORARY BLOCKAGE DUE TO HOW MUCH OF AN INCREDIBLY, DISGUSTINGLY FAT WEEABOO RETARD THE PERSON CURRENTLY BEING CHANNELED THROUGH IT IS." the device informed Alphys in the wonderfully retarded drunken-hillbilly voice of Microsoft Sam, causing her to gasp with shock at the machine's profoundly impudent rudeness while also blushing rather self-consciously in shame.

"Damnit, the freaking thing's sussed me!" Alphys hung her head embarrassedly and hissed lividly under her breath, crossing her arms over her chest and impatiently tapping her foot on the ground just like Undyne had done earlier with her while the machine let out all manner of hilariously constipated guttural groans and noises in a truly desperate struggle to push Francis out.

"You see, this sort of thing is exactly why you should always chew your food, OH MY GOD!" Alphys crossed her arms behind her back and teasingly muttered under her breath (with an obligatory wink at the audience, of course), then suddenly screamed in surprise as Francis, who was indeed every bit as grotesquely fat and ugly as the poor lizard lass had expected ever since the SOUL-Searcher's description of him, tumbled right out of the machine's self-generated wormhole and hit her right in the face, sending the two of them hurtling straight into the nearest wall with a loud CRASH and busting a hole right through it with their sheer combined weight!

"Ugh, my aching constipated ASS...whoa, holy sh#%, who the hell are YOU?! Are you perhaps my long-lost lizard-nerd COUSIN, by any chance?" Francis asked Alphys curiously while the two of them crawled out from the massive unsightly hole that they had just accidentally busted right through the latter's wall and reluctantly got back up onto their feet, swaying dizzily in the process.

"Um...h-hi! I'm Alphys, Asgore's Royal Scientist!" Alphys (who, by the way, was only eighteen at the time and was therefore barely even meeting the Mario universe's minimum age requirement for sexual activity) stammered and blushed adorably, fidgeting and twiddling her fingers nervously from the sheer intimidation factor of Francis' unusually gargantuan size while the despicable bastard licked out gooey, slimy, hairy and miniature-boulder-sized chunks of wax from his ears with his unsettlingly long chameleon tongue and ate them in public while also seductively (and obviously very, VERY creepily) licking his lips and raising his dandruff-dripping eyebrows at her.

"Umm...Energorb? Are you s-s-SURE that this unwashed, putrid, revoltingly hideous f%#^ing pedophile slime-beast with a maturity level ostensibly somewhere roughly between Chris Chan and Donald Trump during his election campaign is REALLY supposed to be a so-called PERFECT MATCH for a cuddly-cute and adorable little sweetie-pie like myself?" Alphys leaned over and hissed apprehensively into Energorb's nonexistent ear, trembling and wobbling her knees in fear as the horrifically massive and terrifyingly abhorrent monstrosity got onto his awkwardly curved little chameleon tiptoes and slowly but surely drew ever closer to her...and closer...and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, AND CLOSER-

"Hey, what are you so afraid of, little buddy?" Francis asked Alphys inquisitively, holding out his bony, freakishly long-fingered and pungently sweaty (and onion-ringy, and cheesy, and probably a whole unlistable variety of other things) hand in an oddly welcoming gesture of greeting.

"You're going to freaking RAPE me, aren't you, you goddamned fat bastard?" Alphys nervously asked him, trembling and sweating in helpless fright as Francis forcefully grabbed her reluctantly outstretched hand right into his own and dragged her out through the front door.

"No, you silly goose, of COURSE not; why, I do believe we're going on an OHH-so-precious little pretend date together!" Francis laughed as him and his new victim...I mean, dating partner took a left turn at the first Hotland intersection and boarded the Riverperson's boat.

"Um, SIR? I'm awfully sorry to have to ask you something like this, but are you really SURE that YOU'RE the type of guy that can be trusted around children?" the Riverperson asked Francis intently, brandishing her boat paddle threateningly at him and keeping a rather sternly close eye on him while Alphys tiptoed over onto the boat and reluctantly took her seat, shuddering more worriedly than ever and sticking her tongue out in utter disgust at all of the revoltingly kinky and nasty things that Francis was most likely going to end up forcing her into doing with him.

"Personally, I think a better question would be CAN YOU REALLY SAY NO TO THIS?!" Francis laughed maniacally as he grabbed the Riverperson by the shoulders with his disgustingly sticky (and stinky) hands and forcefully shoved her headfirst into his repulsive, rancid, terrifyingly gaping and pustulently drooling maw, accidentally poking his uvula and causing himself to violently throw up all over her, leaving her sopping wet and dripping with digestive sludge as Francis set her back down onto the ground and stuck his tongue out teasingly at her.

"AIEEEEEEEEEE!" the riverperson shrieked at the top of her ever-loving lungs, running for dear life and leaving her boat 100-percent free for Alphys and Francis to use for themselves.

"Oh, dear...now that the riverperson's gone, we have no freaking PADDLE to use for this goddamned boat! TELL me, f%# how exactly are YOU planning to get us out of THIS pickle, hmm? HOW?!" Alphys grabbed Francis by the tiredly panting tongue, yanked his face right up into hers and roared lividly at him, twisting his tongue and slapping him right across the face.

"How do you THINK we're going to handle it, smarty-panties?" Francis asked her teasingly, causing her Sonic quills to droop downward, her tail to go limp and her eyes to suddenly go extremely fearful and depressed as she realized exactly what Francis was implying that he was going to do with her.

TWENTY SECONDS LATER...

"I (glug glug) f%#$ing (glug) HATE you (glug) SO f%#$ing (glug glug glug) MUCH!" Alphys choked, coughed, gagged and sputtered while Francis held her by the end of her tail and used her as a makeshift paddle for the boat's roughly three-mile journey to the Snowdin boat stop.

"You know, this would actually be pretty funny if it weren't so freaking HILARIOUS!" the dog head on the boat's mast thought amusedly to itself, biting its canine jaws tightly shut and trying hard not to bust out laughing hysterically at how much of an asshole Francis was as he and Alphys finally reached Snowdin shore, stroking the little dog head's ears and disembarking onto solid snow-covered land in childlike curious wonderment of what they would do with each other first.

"Okay, so first things first, we'd better put on these jackets before we both freeze to death...OH GOD, FRANCIS, PLEASE SAVE ME, I'M LITERALLY GOING TO FREAKING DIE!" Alphys explained as she pulled out a pair of magically fitting size-adjusting jackets from her lab-coat pockets, passed them out to both herself and Francis, and put hers on while he put on his...immediately followed by her suddenly shrieking in terror as the sheer amount of water that she was currently soaked in, combined with the brutally cold outdoor temperature of the general area, caused her to literally freeze solid while Francis just watched in utter amusement and laughter.

"Heya, what's up?" Sans suddenly appeared out of nowhere and greeted the lovable lizard nerds, pulling a portable cordless hair dryer from his coat pockets and melting poor little Alphys right back to normal with its ridiculously, excessively hot maximum-temperature blast of air.

"Guess you could say it's going to take an awful lot more than just my incredibly DRY SANS of humor to BREAK THE ICE between you two when things start to really get HAIRY, isn't it?" Sans chuckled, slapping Alphys on the back while she crossed her arms over her chest for warmth, began uncontrollably chattering and gritting her teeth, and glared at him irritatedly in response.

"YEAH, HAIRY...JUST LIKE MY 35-YEAR-OLD SCALY NUTSACK..." Francis whispered creepily to himself as he eagerly followed along behind Sans and Alphys on the path back to the former's house, hunching himself ominously over the latter on his dainty little tiptoes, licking his lips and wiggling his fingers maliciously.