WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going on for two years , and any president with even a modicum of intelligence would have absolutely figured out a way to end this thing a long time ago,” said Mueller, shaking his head in disbelief as he listed a number of loopholes, executive maneuvers, and other strategies that any moderately smart commander in chief could use to invalidate the probe and prevent Mueller from bringing charges against anyone, much less multiple members of Trump’s inner circle. “When we started this thing I figured we’d have a month or two, tops, before he’d discover any of the pretty obvious ways that he could nip this thing in the bud. Hell, if Trump just had any negotiation ability or public relations skills whatsoever, he could’ve just used good old-fashioned deal-making to shut this thing down. I mean, if he knew what he was doing, even slightly, he’d be the most powerful man in the world. I’m actually impressed with how his every move just screws things up more. Christ, how much of a colossal fucking idiot do you have to be to let this go on and on?” Mueller also admitted that a smarter president would’ve found a way to actually cover his election interference up in the first place.

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