( cheers and applause ) IF THERE IS ANYONEOUT THERE TONIGHT WHO STILL DOUBTSTHAT AMERICA IS A PLACE WHERE ALL THINGSARE POSSIBLE. WHO STILL WONDERS IFTHE DREAM OF OUR FOUNDERS IS ALIVE IN OUR TIME WHO STILL QUESTIONSTHE POWER OF OUR DEMOCRACY... TONIGHT ISYOUR ANSWER. YEAH ! OBAMA ! WOO-HOOO ! WE DID IT,WE F-ING DID IT ! YEAH ! IT'S BEEN A LONG TIMECOMING BUT TONIGHT, BECAUSE OF WHAT WE DID ONTHIS DATE IN THIS ELECTION AT THIS DEFINING MOMENT CHANGE HAS COMETO AMERICA. YEAH !YEAH OBAMA ! CHANGE !IT'S CHANGEEEEE ! SASHA AND MALIA I LOVE YOU BOTHMORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. AND YOU HAVE EARNEDTHE NEW PUPPY THAT'S COMING WITH USTO THE WHITE HOUSE. WE WILL NAME HIM"SPARKLES". HE'S SO AWESOME ! HE'S SO PERFECTAND AWESOME ! WHERE WE ARE METWITH CYNICISM AND DOUBT AND THOSE WHO TELL USTHAT WE CAN'T. WE WILL RESPOND WITHTHAT TIMELESS CREED THAT SUMS UP THESPIRIT OF A PEOPLE. YES WE CAN. ( crowd )YES WE CAN ! YES I CAN ! YES I CAN ! HERE COMESTHE CHANGE EVERYBODY !

WE DID IT ! EVERYTHING ISGOING TO BE AWESOME NOW ! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAYOF OUR LIVES ! YES WE CAN ! I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT TO DO NOW ! I KNOW WHAT TO DO ! LOOOSERS... LOOOSERS... LOOOSERS !LOOSERS ! LOOSERS !LOOOSERS ! OH SHUT UP !! WE LOST ? IT IS NATURAL. IT'S NATURAL, TONIGHT,TO FEEL SOME DISAPPOINTMENT. WE FOUGHT AS HARDAS WE COULD. AND THOUGH WE FELL SHORT THE FAILURE IS MINE, NOT YOURS. NO !NO ! AWW, POOR OL'JOHN McCAIN. HE LOOKS REAL SAD. NO, NO, THISCAN'T HAPPEN-- NO ! STEVEN ! IT'S ALL OVER, LINDA ! THE COUNTRY AS WE KNOW ITIS ABOUT TO CHANGE. WE'RE ALL DEAD. YOU DON'T KNOWTHAT STEVEN ! WITH AN INEXPERIENCEDMAN AS PRESIDENT WE DO KNOW IT ! HE'S RIGHT,GAME OVER MAN, M'KAY ! WE'LL PROBABLY BEDEAD BY SUNRISE ! BUTTERS,DADDY LOVES YOU. JUST REMEMBER THAT. HE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. ( knock on door ) WOOO ! OBAMA ! GET OUTTA HERE ! ( doorbell ringing )

NO, EVERYONE'S OUTPARTYING IN THE STREETS. WHAT'S WRONGWITH YOUR BROTHER ? HE WAS AMcCAIN SUPPORTER. IT'S OKAY, IKE,OBAMA WILL DO FINE. WAHHHH ! MR. PRESIDENT !CONGRATULATIONS !OVER HERE, SIR ! CHANGE !MR. PRESIDENT !GREAT JOB, THANK YOU ALLFOR YOUR SUPPORT. IF YOU DON'T MIND WE'RE GOING TO SPENDTHE REST OF THE EVENING GETTING SOMEMUCH NEEDED REST. SENATOR McCAIN ! 'PRESIDENT' OBAMA. ( snickerng )( snickering ) BOOM BABY !BOOM BABY ! OH MAN THATWAS PERFECT ! I ALMOST THOUGHTWE WERE GOING TO TIE FOR A MINUTE THERE. THAT WOULDHAVE SCREWED US ! YOU PLAYED ITPERFECTLY. THERE WAS NO WAY. IT'S McCAIN,WE DID IT. OBAMA IS PRESIDENT. YEAH, SO I'VE HEARD. YOU GUYS ARE OUT OFYOUR FREAKING MINDS, YOU KNOW THAT ? YES, WE DO. ASSEMBLE THEREST OF THE TEAM WE'VE ONLY GOTTEN HOURS. SURE, HARD PART'SOVER, RIGHT ? ACTUALLY, THE HARD PART'SJUST STARTING.

OBAMA, YEAH,I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ! OBAMA ! OBAMA ! OBAMA !OBAMA !OBAMA ! OBAMA !OBAMA !OBAMA ! ♪ CELABRATEGOOD OBAMA ♪ ♪ COME ON ♪ IT'SOBA-OBAMA ♪ BLEECHH ! YES, I'D LIKE TO MAKEA NOISE COMPLAINT. ♪ WHO LET THE DOGS OUT ♪ WHO-WHO WHO-WHO-WHO ♪ OBAMA !OBAMA ! ♪ WHO LETTHE OBAMA OUT ♪ ♪ WHO-WHO WHO-WHO-WHO ♪ ( siren blaring ) OH-OHPOLICE ARE HERE ! OOOOHHHH ! OOOHHH !OOOHHH !OOOHHH ! OKAY PEOPLE,TIME TO DISPERSE. PARTY'S OVER. COME ON !PARTYYYY !BOOOO ! COME ON,TIME TO GO HOME. WHAT ARE YOU,A McCAIN VOTER ? YEAH !YEAH !YEAH ! SORRY PAL, BUTOBAMA'S PRESIDENT NOW ! OBAM-A !OBAM-A ! OBAMA !OBAMA !OBAMA ! OBAMA !OBAMA !OBAMA ! YEAH, FLIPTHE COP CAR ! FLIP THE COP CAR ! HEY, PUT DOWN MY CAR ! YES WE CAN !YES WE CAN ! NO...HEY STOP IT ! JESUS CHRIST. ♪ OBAMAYOU'RE SO FINE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SO FINEYOU BLOW MY MIND ♪ ♪ HEY OBAMA ♪ HEY OBAMA HEY YOU GUYSWANNA BUY A TV ?

( light applause ) BRAVO, OBAMA AND McCAIN. TEN YEARS YOU TWO HAVE BEENWORKING ON THIS PLAN AND YOU FINALLYPULLED IT OFF. GUYS WE'VE ALLKNOWN EACH OTHERA LONG TIME HAD MANY INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES BUT THIS IS GOING TO BE OURGREATEST FEAT EVER. I KNEW IT ! I KNEW WHEN YOU TWORAN FOR PRESIDENT YOU WERE JUSTWORKING AN ANGLE. ALWAYS WORKIN'THE ANGLES. MY FRIENDS, WHILE THEENTIRE COUNTRY IS BUSY REACTING TOTHE ELECTION WE ARE ABOUT TO PULL OFFTHE GREATEST HEIST IN HUMAN HISTORY. SO... COME ON,ENLIGHTEN US. WHAT ARE WESTEALING THIS TIME ? THE HOPE DIAMOND. RATED NUMBER FOUR OF THETEN MOST PRECIOUS DIAMONDS IN THE WORLD. GOING STREET VALUE,MIDDLE EASTERN MARKET, OF COURSE $ 210 MILLION DOLLARS. 210 ?! MILLION. NO, NO,NO, NO, NO. THE HOPE DIAMONDIS UNGETTABLE. EVERY THIEF IN THE WORLDKNOWS THAT. ALMOST UNGETTABLE. THE DIAMOND IS KEPT IN THESMITHSONIAN NATURALHISTORY MUSEUM LONG CONSIDERED TO BE THE MOSTTHIEF-PROOF STRUCTUREEVER BUILT. THE DIAMOND WING IS PROTECTEDBY IMPENETRABLE WALLS OF 2-FOOT WIDE STEEL. ON THE NORTHEAST SIDE,A SEVEN-FIVE LASER SYSTEM. THERE IS SIMPLY NO SIDEOF THE SMITHSONIAN THAT CAN BE BREACHED. SO YOU GO INFROM THE ROOF. DROP INTO ITFROM THE TOP. CAN'T GET TO ITFROM THE TOP. BECAUSE A POLYMER SHELFRUNS THE ENTIRE EXPANSE. OKAY, YOU CAN'T GET INTOTHE MUSEUM FROM ANY SIDE AND YOU CAN'TDROP FROM ABOVE. SO YOU CAN'TGET THE DIAMOND. MEET THE PRESIDENTIALESCAPE TUNNEL. A TWO-MILE-LONGUNDERGROUND PASSAGE THAT RUNS FROMTHE WHITE HOUSE TO A LOCATIONOUTSIDE THE CITY LIMITS IN CASE OF AN ATTACK. THE TUNNEL IS ONLY ACCESSIBLEFROM THE OVAL OFFICE AND JUST HAPPENSTO TRAVEL... RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE SMITHSONIANNATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM. BOOM BABY !BOOM BABY ! YOU GET SOMEBODYINTO THAT TUNNEL THEY CAN BLASTINTO THE MUSEUM - LET THE OTHERS IN... THE HEIST IS ON. SO YOU BOTHRUN FOR PRESIDENT BECAUSE ONEYOU HAS TO WIN AND YOU'VE GOT YOURACCESS TO THE TUNNEL. AND WE RUN A PARTICULARLYBRUTAL CAMPAIGN SO THAT THE NATION IS ASDISTRACTED AS POSSIBLE OVER THE NEXTEIGHT HOURS. THIS ALL SOUNDSVERY RISKY. WE'VE SPENT TEN YEARSPUTTING THIS PLAN TOGETHER. IF WE ARE INDEED THE GREATESTTHIEF CLUB IN THE WORLD, AND WE ARE... WE WON'TGET CAUGHT.

MY NAME ISKYLE BROFLOVSKI. YES, I KNOWOBAMA WON. KYLE-- KYLE YOU GOTTAGET OUT HERE ! WHAT ? YOUR LITTLE BROTHER'S CLIMBEDOUT ONTO THE WINDOW ! I THINK HE'SGOING TO JUMP ! OH MY GOD ! WAHHH ! IKE DON'T DO IT ! THERE'S STILL SO MUCHTO LIVE FOR ! NO ! NOOO ! I KNOW YOU REALLYWANTED McCAIN TO WIN BUT IT'S GOINGTO BE OKAY. ( babbling baby-speak ) NO, THAT'SNOT TRUE, IKE ! THE ECONOMY COULD EASILYSTABILIZE WITH OBAMA'S PLAN ! ( babbly bee ) IKE, DON'T JUMP ! YOU COULD REALLY HURTYOUR ANKLE OR SOMETHING. REALLY, IKE THAT'S LIKEFIVE FEET OFF THE GROUND DON'T DO IT ! GOOD BYE ! NO !NO ! IKE...OH CRAP IKE !?

ALRIGHT EVERYONE,I'M TURNING IN FOR THE NIGHT. GO TO STANDARD SECURITY,TEAM THREE. SIR WE HAVEA BIT OF A PROBLEM. WHAT ? THE NEW PRESIDENTELECT IS HERE. HE WANTS IN TOTHE OVAL OFFICE. BARACK OBAMA ? THEY'RE ALL RIGHTTHROUGH HERE, SIR. UH, HELLO. IS THERE SOMETHING WE CANDO FOR YOU MR. OBAMA ? JUST CHECKING OUTTHE NEW DIGS. HOW ARE YOU GUYS ? GOOD, SIR. I'D LIKE TO SEETHE OVAL OFFICE, PLEASE. RIGHT NOW ? I DON'T WASTE TIME, GENTLEMEN. I'VE ONLY GOT TWO MONTHSTO FIGURE OUT HOW I WANT TOREDECORATE, IF YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN. YOU KNOW, CHANGETHE DRAPES AND STUFF. SURE, RIGHT THIS WAYMR... PRESIDENT. I WILL NEEDABSOLUTE PRIVACY IS THAT UNDERSTOOD ? YES, SIR. THANKS. I GOT AHUNDRED DOLLARS ! ALRIGHT, McCAINI'M IN. NICELY DONE, B. WE'RE IN POSITION OUTSIDE THE SMITHSONIAN. YOU FIND THEESCAPE TUNNEL ? I'M ALREADY ON IT. BOOM BABY.

WEEEEWW... CHANGE... CHANGE ! CHANGE ! DAD... DADWE HAVE A PROBLEM ! NOT ANYMORE WE DON'T ! EVERYTHING'SDIFFERENT NOW ! NO, DAD WE GOTTATAKE KYLE'S BROTHER TO THE HOSPITAL ! WE DON'T HAVE TOTAKE CRAP FROM THE RICHFAT CATS ANYMORE ! DUDE, HE'S WASTED. HEY IT'S MY BOSSHEY BOSS ! OH HELLO, MARSH. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT ? F--K YOU ! HUH ? YOU HEARD ME YOU--- PIECE OF S--T ! I CAN FINALLY TELL YOUWHAT I THINK OF YOU ! ---IN' ASSHOLE. DAD WHAT AREYOU DOING ? ! IT'S OKAY, STAN,EVERYTHING'S CHANGED. I DON'T NEED HIS STUPID--- JOB ANYMORE ! YOU'RE A LITTLE ---ASS --- PIECE A --- YOU KNOW WHATOBAMA SAID ? "YES WE CAN !" HEY I VOTEDFOR OBAMA ! OBAMA'S NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU ! CAN SOMEONE HELP US ! MY LITTLE BROTHERFELL OUT THE WINDOW !

WHO'S A LITTLE DISAPPOINTEDTHAT WE LOST THE ELECTION THAT THERE'SALWAYS NEXT YEAR ! MAYBE I'LL RUN FORVICE PRESIDENT AGAIN IN 2009 ! UH, MRS. PALIN HAVE YOU SEEN ORHEARD FROM JOHN McCAIN ? UHH, NO, I DON'T REALLYKNOW WHERE HE WENT. KIND OF SEEMS A LITTLE ODD,I GUESS, BUT-- ( ring ) OH, MY PHONE'SGOING RINGY- EXCUSE ME. HALLOOO ? HELLO SARAH,IT'S McCAIN. ( in a british voice )I HOPE TO GOD YOU'RECALLING TO TELL ME YOU'RE IN POSITION BELOW THEVAULT WITH THE L-7 CHARGES. I'M IN THETUNNEL NOW, SARAH. SHOULD BE ALMOSTBELOW THE MUSEUM. JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON'TBLOW THE TRANSFORMERS ALONG WITH THE TUNNEL BECAUSE IT WILL TRIGGERTHE 5.4 LASER SYSTEM. AND DON'T DAMAGEANY COUPLING WIRES OR IT'LL BE WORTHLESS WHENGARRET SHUTS DOWN THE GRID. I'LL BE THERE IN 30. GOD, SHE'S AWESOME. ( in Palin voice )OH, I GUESS SENATOR McCAIN'SGONNA FLY ME BACK TO ALASKA NOW. HE'S GOT APRIVATE JET YOU KNOW. OKAY, BYE-BYE THEN ! BLOODY IDIOTS. ALRIGHT HERE WE GO. WHAT'S THAT NOISE ? IT'S OK, JUST SOMECONSTRUCTION OUTSIDE. OH NO -- McCAIN...WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

HANG IN THERE IKE,WE'RE GONNA GET YOU HELP. HEY, THERE'SSOME PEOPLE ! LISTEN, STAY BACKSTAY BACK ! WE DON'T HAVEANY MORE ROOM IN THE ARK ! YOU HAVE TOLET US IN ! YOU KNOW THECOUNTRY IS DOOMED ! WHO ARE YOUTO TURN US AWAY ? I BUILT THIS BUNKERIN CASE McCAIN LOST ! THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOMFOR EVERYONE ! HEY EXCUSE ME,BUT WE NEED SOME HELP ! I KNOW YOU DO BUT THERE'S NOMORE ROOM I TELL YA ! YOU'RE GOING TODENY THEM TOO ? GOD SAKES MANTHEY'RE CHILDREN ! LOOK THEM IN THE EYES AND TELL THEM YOUWON'T TAKE THEM IN ! LOOK AT THEIRLITTLE CHEEKS ! LET GO OFMY FACE ASSHOLE. ALRIGHT DAMN YOU ! THE CHILDRENCAN COME IN ! NO, WE DON'T WANTIN YOUR STUPID SHELTER ! OKAY THENI WANT THEIR PLACE.ME TOO ! WE NEED TO GET A RIDETO THE HOSPITAL ! THERE ISN'T GOINGTO BE A HOSPITAL DON'T YOU GET IT ! LET US IN NOW ! OH JEEZ IT'SALREADY HAPPENING ! SOCIETY'S BREAKING DOWN ! OBAMA HASN'T BEENELECTED FOUR HOURS AND ALREADY THE COUNTRYIS GOING TO HELL !

ALRIGHT, GIVE METHE KEYS. IS THERE A PROBLEM,GENTLEMEN ? UH NO, NO SIR... EVERYTHING OK IN THERE ? WHY WOULDN'T IT BE ? I'M SORRY, BUT I ASKEDTO BE LEFT ALONE. YES, SIR IT'SJUST THAT... YOUR WIFE IS HERE. MY WIFE ? BARACK, EVERYONE'S BEENLOOKING FOR YOU ! WHAT ON EARTHARE YOU DOING ? UH... COME ONIN, DARLING. TH-THANK YOU BOYS. OKAY BARACK, TELL MEWHAT'S GOING ON. MICHELLE THERE'S SOMETHINGI NEED TELL YOU. WHAT IS IT ? BARACK,WHAT IS IT ? THE LASER SYSTEMGUARDING THE DIAMOND WAS REPLACED WITH ANOPTICAL RELAY THREE DAYS AGO. YOU GOTTABE KIDDING ME ! SO THE ENTIRE DIAMOND VAULTIS INACCESSIBLE ? IS McCAIN ONLINE ? HI MICHELLE. YOUR GUYS WEREN'T RUNNING UPDATECHECKS ON THE SECURITY LOGS ? MICHELLE, WE NEED YOU TO DOA DIFFERENT SCAN HACK TO THE VAULT RELAY. ON A NEW SYSTEM--IN AN HOUR ? ARE YOU NUTS ? MY JOB WAS TO PRETEND TOBE MARRIED TO THIS BOZO AND GET YOU THREE SCAN HACKSINTO A LASER SYSTEM. MICHELLE,IT'S SARAH. THEY DID REPLACETHE LASER SYSTEM BUT THE NEW ONEISN'T BRAND NEW. IT'S AN OLDH-7 SERIES- YOU CAN BREAK THIS BABYIN 30 MINUTES. UGH, TELL DAVIS TO GET MEA FORETRANS EMITTER AND ENOUGH PULSE DRIVESTO LIGHT A SPARK. YOU CATCHTHAT DAVIS ?I'M ON IT.

WE MADE IT, IKE. YOU'RE GOING TOBE OKAY. ( moan ) THERE, JUST TAKEA SEAT OVER THERE ! EXCUSE ME ! MY LITTLE BROTHER NEEDSMEDICAL ATTENTION. WAS HE AN OBAMA SUPPORTEROR A McCAIN SUPPORTER ? WHY DOESTHAT MATTER ? BECAUSE THEN I'LL KNOWIF HE PARTIED TOO HARD OR IF HE TRIEDTO KILL HIMSELF. MA'AM PLEASE, I THINKMY LITTLE BROTHER NEEDS IMMEDIATE HELP ! YOU DON'TUNDERSTAND, KID ! THERE'S ONLYTWO DOCTORS ON CALL ! AND DOCTOR WILSON IS OUT CELEBRATING IN THE STREET SOMEWHERE ! SO WHERE'STHE OTHER DOCTOR ? HEY, COME ON PEOPLE ! WE CAN KEEPPARTYING CAN'T WE ? YES WE CAN ! COME ON LET'S SING ! ♪ OHHHH - BAMA ♪ WELL YOU CAME AND YOUGAVE WITHOUT TAKING ♪ SHUT UP ! AHGGH ! ♪ BUT I SENT YOUAWAY ♪ ♪ OH BAMA ♪ WHEN YOU KISSED ME ANDSTOPPED ME FROM SHAKING ♪ ♪ BUT I SENT YOUAWAY ♪ I'VE ALMOST GOT IT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ? DID YOU REALLY NOT LIKEPRETENDING TO BE MARRIED ? OH JESUS, NOW ISNOT THE TIME, B. COME ON, YOU HAVE TO ADMITWE HAD SOME FUN. MY GIRLS NEEDSOMEBODY BETTER THAN A WORLD-CLASSDIAMOND THIEF. WAIT, THERE, I GOT IT. ALRIGHT EVERYONEWE'RE ABOUT TO GO SO HERE'S THEREVISED SCHEDULE: 4:40 AMTHE TEAM GATHERS AT THE NORTHWESTEXIT OF THE MUSEUM. 4:45 AMMICHELLE HACKSTHE OPTICAL RELAY ALLOWING ME ACCESSTO THE REAR DOORS. GO ! 4:46FROM INSIDEI CAN OPEN THE DOORS AND LET IN THE REST OF THE CREW. 5:10 AM AT THE DEPARTMENT OF POWERQUINCY SHUTS DOWN THE GRID DISABLING POWERTO THE VAULT ROOM. 5:12MY GRANDMOTHER, WHO FAKEDHER DEATH ON MONDAY CALLS IN A BOMB THREATTO THE MUSEUM. I SAID I PUT A BOMB IN YOURBUILDING, YES. 5:13THE GUARDS OPENTHE SOUTHWEST DOOR CHECKING THE MUSEUMFOR ANY BOMBS. 5:14McCAIN, DRESSED ASA FOOTBALL PLAYER ENTERS SECURITY AND SHUTS OFFTHE DIAMOND CASE ALARM. HEY YOU, STOP ! MICHELLE AND I HEAD BACKINTO THE TUNNEL AND THE HOLE IS PATCHED. 5:15 AMI WALK OUT OFTHE OVAL OFFICE WITH THE DIAMOND SECURELYHIDDEN IN MY ANUS. ALL DONE, THANKS. BOOM BABY !BOOM BABY !BOOM BABY ! JUST ONE THING- DON'T YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SUSPICIOUS WHEN YOU DISAPPEAR ? GO LOOKING FOR YOU ? WE HIRED A GUY FOR THATA COUPLE MONTHS AGO. ( click, beep ) WHAT THE HELL ? IKE ? BOOM BABY !