In Order to Keep Our Editorial Page Completely Balanced, We Are Hiring More Dipshits

Here at the New York Times, we believe that all sides of the story should be tolerated and explored, from white supremacists being actually kinda cool if you think about it, to people who believe that saying college campuses should be less PC is somehow an interesting use of 1,000 words. That’s why we’re expanding our editorial staff to include more dipshits. Because everyone, no matter how intellectually lazy their conservatism, deserves a column in our newspaper.

By the end of the year, we aim to have 200% more dipshits writing columns for us. As long as you are a Ben Shapiro knockoff who can string together the words “the intolerant left” and occasionally criticize Trump, you have a home here on our opinion pages. Because this is what conservatism is now, and we have to respect that.

Why do we hire dipshits? It’s simple. After the 2016 election, we got yelled at a lot by right-wingers. How could you report such negative stories about President Trump by printing the words he says? Why don’t 100% of your stories talk about Hillary Clinton’s emails, rather than just the ones on the front page? They had a point. So, despite the fact that throughout the last year the right has decided they hate everything from Keurig to the NFL, we have decided to do the journalistically correct thing and capitulate entirely.

So today we make a promise. A promise to every moron that was a little too intelligent for the Wall Street Journal, to every idiot that will go write for the Federalist if they don’t get hired by us. To you, we say: welcome.

We believe that the truth lies in the middle. The exact mathematical middle. This holds true no matter how far right “the right” actually is. You know all those things that John McCain said in 2008? Sorry, liberals: that’s left-wing now.

We want to change the perception of journalists away from the elitist East Coast Democrat of yesteryear to the rabid logical fallacy machine of tomorrow. And at the New York Times, that dream isn’t too far in the future.

If you are a dipshit interested in penning thin critiques of the #MeToo movement based on supposedly intellectually rigorous standards of guilt, while also publishing drivel about how Democrats should be nicer to you on Twitter, we invite you to apply.

To be considered for the job, please send in your ten best “Conservative slam dunk tweets” in which you absolutely OWN a liberal by claiming that the phrase “You shouldn’t say that” is the same as “Let’s burn books because we hate freedom of expression.”

Congratulations! You’re already hired.