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Nigel Griffiths is 18-years-old with the world at his feet.

He’s just graduated from high school, he has a good job lined up with his dad’s mate who works in roofing and he’s in the middle of the best week of his life. Schoolies week and the Gold Coast.

However, despite the endless amount of canned beer and lightweight narcotics, Nigel is still yet to even pop a bonnet.

“I’ve just been drinking too much,” he says.

“Like, we all thought that we’d be getting so much sex. Especially considering we paid 900 bucks each for this 4 bedroom apartment at the Beachcomber.”

Nigel puts down his lack of romantic encounters down to the fact that he’s ‘having too much fun with the lads’ and that ‘its kind of hard to get chicks in and out of the complex.”

Although the tightened security and over-policing of the school leavers celebrations are very much apparent on the Gold Coast this year, ‘Griff’ isn’t acknowledging the real issue, says his friends.

Close friend and funboy Benny Marsden (also 18) says it has a lot to do with his choice of swimwear.

“It’s the three quarter boardies mate. He looks like he’s the roadie for Blink 182 in the early 2000’s”

“I mean, I know he’s pasty AF, but the girls don’t want to get down with a bloke who dresses like their recently-divorced uncle”.

While Nigel detests his mate’s theory, the fact that their obese mate ‘Kenny’ has already contracted chlamydia from one of his eight conquests all but confirms it.

“Kenny is sitting at about two roots a day,” says Benny.

“He’s atrocious to look at but there’s no denying that voluptuous sunburnt man in banana hammocks is going to fare better than a skinny pale kid wearing below-knee cotton boardshorts”.

“I think by day five it might sink in for Griff. We are on the home stretch now and barely any of us can look at a drink after the big hit out”

“He has no excuses. The shin-swingers have to go”