At any age, it's hard to say that you're looking for new friends. People judge you by your ability to make and keep friendships, and an admission that you're feeling alone can suggest that you're not friend-worthy. We can easily feel pulled into fears and over any lost relationship.

It helps to know that most friendships don't last forever and that at many points in your life, you might need to make new friends.

A lost isn't necessarily a sign of failure. People move, change their priorities, get too busy, marry possessive spouses. People die. In my life two of my best friends have died, one has , and another is too agoraphobic to leave her house and has retreated into silence. Other friends have drifted away or cut me off, for one reason or another. Many years ago, after a silly fight, I cut off a friend. Later on, we reunited and we have now seen each other regularly for decades.

You may be the person who has moved, , changed jobs, or in some other way changed so that you need to make new friends. Instead of feeling stigmatized, perhaps we should feel good about ourselves for recognizing that we would like new friends and for making the effort to find and keep them.

The scary part is that we know and often hear that friendships are vital to our health and success. So when you lose a friend or you're dumped, you feel unsafe.

How many friends do you need? Studies show that people need at least five meaningful relationships, and many of us have no more than one or two.

A friend is not a sociable acquaintance, but someone with whom you can easily share a triumph or confess a serious bad event, or perhaps call to ask if she'd like to spend time with you at the last minute. A friendship also works best in a context--a regular group you attend together, a shared theater subscription, or a professional tie.

My nephew, who is in his twenties, and absolutely brilliant, gave me his last week: He says he's never made friends when he went looking for them, but made friends when he joined an activity that he cared about for its own sake: when he was there to give.

"Every one of my friends does something that drives me crazy, but I stick with it because we're doing something important together," he said.

Turning a new connection into a friendship may require some diligence on your part. I live in New York City where many people are always busy and working very hard. But you may find that people make time for you if you tap into an interest you share and make their lives better in some way, which doesn't necessarily mean listening to problems--although that counts too. We need our friends to help us grow as well as to provide comfort and consolation. .

My closest friends tend to be people I met through our shared interest in writing. If you're a writer, connect with a writer's group, find individuals with whom you'd like to exchange work, and be careful to keep your comments both honest and helpful.

For editing and writing , contact me at expertediting.org.

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