Judaism teaches that our interpersonal relationships are just a key to relating to God, especially our romantic ones. So, capitalizing on the bestselling book that opened people’s eyes to the fact that not all people are exactly the same, here’s our appropriation of this pop psychology masterpiece.

The first thing to realize is that the way you want love communicated to you, is not the way your partner wants love communicated to them. Therefore, this book is divided into two parts – how God wants you to show Him love, and how you might want love expressed to you. Remember, it’s possible to have more than one language that speaks to you.

God

Here’s how God likes to experience love:

Receiving gifts – oh yeah! From animal sacrifices to bread offerings to first fruits, God looooves gifts, and his favorite gifts involve food. God is a real foodie. If He had Instagram, you know what kind of pictures would be on there. Quality time – God loves quality time! He expects at least 3 hours a day of prayer, but if you’re a guy he’d also like you to spend the rest of your waking AND sleeping hours repeating things he’s said. God expects more of His homosexual relationships. Can’t blame Him! Words of affirmation – God is big on this one too! Remember all that quality time from the previous paragraph? There’s no better way to spend it than by telling Him how Great He Is. He’s written scripts to make it easy for you, no need to come up with them on your own (although of course you’re welcome to!). Just repeat them three times a day and you’re golden. Some his favorite phrases are “King of the World”, “Resurrector Of The Dead”, and “The Kind One”. Acts of service – yes yes yes! God has a list of 248 things he’d like you to do for Him. Don’t worry, not all of them need to happen today, lol. Only most of them. The rest are on his wish list for when He rebuilds his temple (hopefully soon, fingers crossed!). God does prefer acts of service from the men in his life though. He’s more content with the women to just sit there and not fuck anything up. Physical touch – nope. God’s not big on this one. Maybe it’s because everything he touches instantly turns to ash? Whatever the reason, if you want to show God some love, stick to the top four. In fact, your average hour long prayer session includes quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service all wrapped into one! See? It’s easy to keep your relationship with God puttering along merrily.

You

Ok, but relationships are a two way street, right? Here’s how God can show YOU love depending on what your love language is.

Receiving gifts – you’re in luck! Life itself is a gift. Every breath you take is a gift. God is positively showering with gifts. If you focus on that as opposed to the times you stubbed your toe or your dog died, your relationship will grow stronger every day Quality time – God is always there for you, listening. He’s got nothing more important than listening to you, and, any time you feel like it, you can just start schmoozing. He’s not big on the active listening though. Best to imagine Him as the strong silent type, really. Words of affirmation – nope, this one really doesn’t work well for God. You know he thinks very highly of you. Loves you like his son (his only son, if you’re Jewish). He definitely wrote that to you a while back, and you can re-read the letters if it’ll make you feel better. But he’s not about to constantly repeat himself, or give you feedback on how good a job you’re doing. He appreciates your efforts, but he’s not about to make a big deal about them right now. Acts of service – every time goes out of his way to make the light turn green for you, to make that semi-trailer crash into the divider instead of your car, all of that minute orchestrating of your daily life, is an act of service. I hope you appreciate this! If this is your love language of choice, you’re probably feeling really loved right now. Physical touch – nope again. Just as God doesn’t want you to touch Him, so too he doesn’t want to touch you. I mean, he’s all around you so I guess he’s touching you through the air and your shirt and stuff, but it’s not the same. When a human only gets that kind of touch we call them “single” and “alone”.

So yeah, God has lots of ways of showing you love, but if your love languages are word of affirmation of physical touch you’re kind of screwed, and quality time is a bit meh. So buy this book today and transform the way you relate to God (if you’re one of the lucky few who happen to be born with the right preference)!