The Police Department of Bangor, ME recently posted a long message on their social media account, which mainly focused on a series of vehicle break-ins throughout the small city. Written by an officer, the note is quite wordy in structure, talking about how to cook lobster, naming children, and, interestingly enough, the jam band Phish.

There’s a full two-paragraph side note written directly for phans, which praises them for being cleaner than most concert attendees though disapproving of the parking lot nitrous oxide situation. Phish last played in Bangor, ME on July 3rd, 2013, and this officer must have been in attendance. The officer writes that the Phish fans “cleaned up after themselves, leaving not a trace of their barefooted dance-fest. Smart questions, showed much respect for law enforcement as a whole and were just a cool and fun bunch.” The police officer continues, “Gluten free was never so much fun as that show.”

Some kind words written in a bizarre note. Read the whole thing below:



Please folks, if I gave you advice on financial decisions, food selection, roofing materials or what kind of flatware… Posted by Bangor Maine Police Department on Wednesday, March 23, 2016

The full text is copied below, just in case the Bangor Maine PD retracts their social media offering:

Please folks, if I gave you advice on financial decisions, food selection, roofing materials or what kind of flatware you should buy, ignore it. I know very little about those things.

My idea of a good investment is one which returns just fifty percent of my initial outlay. Flatware pulled from the McDonald’s bag has been used on many a night in my little world and I think discarded street signs look pretty cool as a stopgap measure on the camp roof. I am not promoting taking street signs. I said discarded. Read all the words before contacting my supervisor.

I rethought my first paragraph and have decided that my food selection skills are superb. Add a half a cap of apple cider vinegar to your drawn butter when using it dip your steamed clams or lobster. You will be thanking me soon after the meal, possibly naming your next child after me. This child will be well behaved, a heck of a pool player and will move out of your house after his or her 36th birthday. I was a late bloomer as well. Trust me. I work for the government. Get it right. Capital T. Capital C. Sounds like “easy”, and rearing him/her will be just that. Their middle name should be, Tangy-Goodness.

What does all that rambling have to do with police work. Nothing. You expect too much from me.

I need you to lock your stinking car doors. All over Bangor, we are dealing with a roaming dipstick or dipsticks that are ransacking your belongings, dropping your registration paperwork on the floor of the Civic and taking things of value. How hard is this for us? Obviously, it is tougher than I think.

Lock your doors. Just use the little button on the remote, hold down the mushroom looking thingie on the door, push forward or backward on that tab near the handle. They even make it easy by marking it with orange. Lock it. Lock it. Lock it.

This will stop much of the problem. Yes, there is the theory that by leaving it unlocked, they won’t break the window. If that is your decision and you want them to camp in your car, setting up one of those little Phish Concert, impromptu Barbecue Stands where they sell unrefrigerated Soy Hot dogs and ground Tofu to pedestrian traffic, feel free. I am going with the lock.

Do not read the following paragraph if you were not offended by my mention of a Phish Concert Impromptu BBQ Stand. Skip ahead two paragraphs. Do not read between the asterisks.

******Phish fans: I will add that I have never worked a concert with a more polite band of individuals. I met and conversed with some of the smartest and brightest people I ever met at a concert. They cleaned up after themselves, leaving not a trace of their barefooted dance-fest. Smart questions, showed much respect for law enforcement as a whole and were just a cool and fun bunch. Gluten free was never so much fun as that show. They didn’t even have to tell me they were vegetarians, vegans or Gluten free. I just knew. Do not be offended by my mention of the Phish Concert BBQ stand. I just notice these things.

I did disagree with the nitrous oxide hits being sold along the waterfront. The purveyors even ran away from the sales area without giving us the finger. I appreciated that. Thank you.********

Lock your car doors. People want to take you stuff. Remove valuables from your car. Lock your house doors and windows. Call if you see suspicious activity. Do not leave me a message on Facebook at 3 in the morning. CALL THE POLICE. You pay us to be here and we will be. Lock your doors.

Have a great night. I am hungry for Soy.