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One of the great brawlers of the 2010s is now a fully fledged birko man, it has been confirmed.

28-year-old refrigeration mechanic, Pumper, has had to take the ‘Ian Roberts Approach’ to his new decision to wear the controversial cork-soled sandals.

Meaning, if anyone wants to make fun of him because he’s into something that they are not into, then they can deal with the repercussions of unmitigated violence.

His sensitivity surrounding the Birkenstocks may come from the fact that he was not very well known for his fashion sense prior to having a missus, paired with how wildly self-conscious he feels in three-quarter linen trousers and cane panama hats.

However, of all the new fashion trends Pumper has been both metaphorically and physically shoe-horned into – it seems he is most content with the birkos.

“Because they’re fucking comfy, cunt!” he spits to one of the few mates brave enough to poke a stick at his wildly metrosexual footwear.

“Sorry, I’m not wearing double pluggers like some sort of degenerate at the weekday greyhounds.”

“Get yourself a pair of these and maybe you wan’t have to pay for company”

While Pumper’s overly defensive response to even the slightest criticisms of his new aesthetics is rather humorous, his friend’s are more than aware that the fury comes from a good place.

It’s because Pumper is now much happier playing indoor cat to his lovely girlfriend Amy, a midwife he met on Tinder – and will fight anyone and wear anything he has to in an effort to remain so well looked after.

“You think these are bad. You cunts haven’t seen me rocking the bike shorts at yoga” he smirks, before making someone flinch with an air punch.