Washington DC— In a shocking turn of events, the United States Senate passed a new set of rules today making it mandatory for lawmakers in the upper chamber to wear uniforms emblazoned with their major lobbyists’ logos.

“This was a bipartisan effort to bring real transparency to the Senate,” said Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer, D-NY. “Majority Leader McConnell’s office has been working behind the scenes to get this rule change enacted. I for one, am happy that the American people can finally know who’s paying for the legislation we pass.”

Beyond uniforms and patches, Senators must declare the names of their major lobbyists each time they make a television appearance, write an op-ed, or deliver a speech on the Senate floor.

In his separate announcement, Senator Mitch McConnell began his remarks by saying, “This announcement is brought to you by Turtle Wax. Turtle Wax, the number one selling brand in spray wax, car wash, carpet & fabric care, and more.”