Men pee on the seat; it’s just that simple. But it has been an item of debate amongst the genders ever since the modern plumbing was first introduced to the Neanderthals way back in the year 25 A.D.

Women simply don’t understand this natural phenomena. In the following twelve points, I will attempt to un-cloud the minds of our female persecutors and sprinkle some light on the subject. Certain women may find this inappropriate, but it needs to be brought before the world. If you are one of these women, please follow this link and enjoy browsing endless images of monasteries on hillsides.

1. Bad Start

Every once in a while, when a man begins the urination process, he either is distracted by some other object, or simply was off his aim from the beginning. This is a simple mistake, and the main reason why we don’t like leaving shiny or otherwise distracting objects near the toilet.

2. About To Bust

When the need for urination becomes frantic, our bladder simply can’t hold it in any longer once it realizes it’s close enough to the toilet, which causes the man to miss the bowl before he even had the chance to aim. This high-stress situation always concludes with a self-loathing, meditative moment.

3. Power Pump

It is common for a younger man to have a little ‘umph’ in his stream. Usually this results not in a quiet trickle, but a powerful blast that refuses to be contained within the bounds of a standard pee stream. Put simply, the hole in the toilet seat is sometimes just not large enough.

4. Bounce Back

This goes along with the Power Pump. This is a direct result of a powerful stream, combined with gravity and the natural tendencies of liquids. When urine is blasted downward from the lofty height of a standing man, cutting through the air with dastardly speed, and finally makes contact with the flat surface water in the bowl, an explosion occurs. The “Bounce Back” drops blast upward, slowing only at the demands of gravity, and finally perch themselves perfectly upon the surrounding seat.

5. Enguard Off Guard

Once the urination session is complete, sometimes a little pinch of urine is left over and finds its way out unexpectedly once the urinator is no longer aiming. I would compare it to the times when you’re talking to someone and accidentally spit a small speck towards the listener. It is irretrievable and irredeemable.

6. Shaken, Not Wiped

For men, wiping after urination is a sign of dishonor. Wussiness even. So we resort to the other, more ethical means of clean up; shaking dry. Whether the shaking dry method was an idea of man’s or if it was observed of wet animals is uncertain, but we know that this method was perfect until the invention of the toilet. It is simply impossible to keep the seat pee-free when you’re flinging spare drops in all directions. Nothing can be done to avoid the shake-dry method that allows men to still maintain their dignity. I guess you can’t have your cake and pee on it too.

7. Twister

Most men will find (as they carefully study their pee stream) that their current will spin as it falls. Mine, personally, has a 540° helix within the first six inches of being in the open air. It’s fun to watch, but also can cause a few misdirected drops to find the seat.

8. Pee Shivers

For the men who have Pee Shivers, they know exactly what it is even if I explained no further. However, in my studies, I’ve found that only about 40% of men have this problem, so for the rest of you, I will explain. It is simply an uncontrollable shiver that happens near the end of the urination session, and results in unsteady aiming. It feels like being tasered, but in a really fun and fleeting way.

9. Weakening Stream

As the urination session comes to a close, the pee stream will gradually decrease in intensity and power. The urinator must be alert and constantly adjusting the direction of aim. Any distractions during the docking process will result in some moist porcelain.

10. Split-Pee-Spree

This is not too common, but it does happen and causes problems. I’ll leave it to you consenting adults to hash out the science behind it, but long story short, when a man begins his urination session, he may encounter the shock-inducing phenomenon of seeing his pee stream go in two completely different directions. The stream will correct itself after a few seconds, but this will always result in a cleanup of the seat, and most likely even the floor.

11. Mystery Kink

Very similar to the Split-Pee-Spree both in cause and general OMG-ness. When a man begins to pee, he realizes that his stream is 20-30 degrees off target. The pee stream is actually bent, and by the time he compensates for the bend, all systems have rebooted and suddenly he’s overcorrected. Always keep a spare “guest-only” toothbrush handy for this mess.

12. Gravity Creeper

This has also happened to me several times, as I’m sure it has to all men. We, trying to be responsible citizens, lift the seat before we pee, but we don’t always double check the stable position of the upright segment. In the middle of the urination session, the toilet seat will fall unexpectedly and have disastrous results on the status of not just your toilet seat, but your bathroom as a whole.

I hope this has enlightened the minds of all you criticizing females. Next time a male member of your household pees on the seat, don’t be angry, but rather understanding, encouraging, and even thankful that you don’t have to endure the treacheries of the throne room.

(If you liked this list, check out the follow up 12 Reasons Why Men Don’t Clean The Seat)