New York, NY—

Donald Trump Jr. has in recent months become one of his father’s top political surrogates, building a large following on social media with awkwardly posed portraits in nature and bitchy partisan Twitter posts mocking liberals, and it’s obvious the threat of impending state and federal indictments and inevitable imprisonment is motivating him to help his father campaign for possibly a second term.

Donald Jr., however, insists he is not afraid of justice.

“I’m totally innocent!” exclaimed Donald Jr. in a brief comment to the press. “Sure, my first seven stories about that infamous Trump Tower meeting with the Russian operatives turned out to be untrue, but my eighth story is the total truth, I swear! I did not collude with any Russians, and all the times I tried were unsuccessful so they don’t count. And it’s not like I knew the law, so can I really be punished for my ignorance of the law? Does that seem fair? I don’t think so! The Trumps are the most honest family in America, and we never lie, cheat, steal, or scam, ever!”

“Let’s be honest, if I were a betting man, I’d bet $10,000 that Donald Jr. perjured himself in his interviews with Congress, and has committed a plethora of collusion-related crimes with Russia throughout his father’s 2016 presidential campaign,” said New York Republican operative Phillip Phelps. “That meeting with the Russian agent lady looks super bad for him legally, and it’s blatantly obvious that the Russians reeled him into a compromising meeting under the guise of releasing dirt on Hillary Clinton. To add insult to legal injury, the one thing Donald Jr. might be telling the truth about is that he didn’t even get the Hillary dirt at that meeting. Add to that Donald Jr.’s involvement in obstruction of justice over his post-meeting public statement in which he claimed his father didn’t know about the meeting and then that his father did not help write his statement—which turned out to be false—and it’s safe to say that Donald Jr. is most likely f***ed. No wonder he’s so vocal on Twitter defending his dad: he needs his dad to continue being president in order to be pardoned for his complicity in crimes. On top of all of this political mess, Donald Jr. is involved in years of money-laundering and financial crimes, and the cherry on top is that Donald Jr., along with his dad and Ivanka and Eric, just had their Trump charity shut down by the state of New York because the Trump family used their raised charitable funds as a private slush fund. Not supposed to do that, nope. The whole family is like a pack of corrupt rats. No wonder Donald Jr. is getting in so much outdoors time now…he’s gonna be confined for quite a long time before this Mueller business is all taken care of, that’s for sure.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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