Friedrich Nietzsche answers the question:

“Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?”

Stop pitying yourself. Happiness is not an accident; it is the result of man successfully exerting his will upon the world. Because there is no objectively correct perspective on reality, one must create a system of values for oneself. Humanity is just a stepping-stone until the Übermensch is able to cast aside the rules of society and build a new set of morals.

God is dead. And you’re complaining you’re “neurotic to the bone?” The only way for you to transcend these difficulties it to overcome the hurdles between you and your goals. Force your will upon the world or be destroyed by it! There is no other option.

So no, I do not have the time for your complaints.

René Descartes answers the question:

“What’s my name, fool?”

To determine what my identity is, I must first determine whether I am indeed an actual being. Because I have this curiosity, I may surmise that thought itself exists. Consequently, if there is a thought, there must be a thinker. So, cogito ergo sum; I think therefore I am. Though I exist, the question of exactly who I am still poses difficulties. Perception of physical traits is unreliable. A piece of wax, melted and distorted is still the same piece of wax. So too, a man who morphs into a dog in a music video is still the same ol’ g, as it were. Our senses may deceive us. Reason is the only method of discovering fact.

Not to be discounted is the duality of body and mind. An entity can be said to be both “like this” and “like that” without giving up its intrinsic “like this-ness.” When this duality comes out of balance, and the body controls the mind, problems may arise. Example: When Compton and Long Beach together, you know you in trouble.

I am sure that I exist, and within me exists a duality as well as a unity. He is I, and I am him. Slim with the tilted grin. Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Voltaire and Kant answer the question:

“Who let the dogs out?”

V: If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. Therefore, because there are dogs, and they are out, someone or something must have let them out. Therefore, we must act as though there is a God [a greater, dog-letting-out force].

K: Humans should act in accordance with the principle of the “universalizability test.” When considering an action, think of a world wherein that action is committed by every person under similar circumstances. If this maxim seems good and reasonable, the controlling maxim holds as valid. This philosophy remains true whether or not an active agent (God) let the dogs out. Therefore, it is useful to allow the idea of God to help guide humans towards moral behavior. The corruptions involved in organizational/ unnatural aspects of dog shows and dog bakeries, however, make rituals such as religion potential perversions of God and morality.

Note: This query is unrelated to the dilemma Schrodinger’s Dogs, wherein the answer to the question, “Where my dogs at?” is simultaneously “We right here!” (the dogs are alive) and “We anywhere but right here,” (the dog are dead).

Thomas Hobbes answers the question:

“Why do we scream at each other? (This is what it sounds like when doves cry.)” And also, coincidentally: “Wouldn’t it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?”

Man’s life in a state of nature is nasty, brutish, and short. Without government, man finds himself in a position of constant struggle and violence to assert his rights against the rights of others. The primary goals of man under these conditions are competition, diffidence, and glory. That is to say, man engages in conflict for personal gain, then safety, and then an aggrandizement of reputation. In short, just like our mothers and their mothers before them, when removed from society, we are “never satisfied.”

In order to alleviate this violence, men form commonwealths, sacrificing individual freedom to ensure mutual safety. A monarchy is the most efficacious form of commonwealth because the power of a leader comes from the prosperity of his people. If a monarch were to become “too demanding” the commonwealth would not be able to sustain itself. We scream at each other when our appetites come into conflict with others’ desires. To keep the peace, we must enter into agreements with our fellow man for the benefit of the masses. Only through this process may we avoid living alone in a world that’s so cold (a world that’s so cold). Wouldn’t it be nice?

Plato answers the question:

“What is love?”

All love for a person or beautiful object should be that which in turn inspires a more intense spiritual love for the divine. Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more. Whoaaa oooh ooh oh oh oh. Ooooh oh.