Montreal’s Just for Laughs comedy festival – running to 28 July – brings the chuckles but, as comedian Kelly MacLean explains, the city scene itself is ‘just’ as capable of raising a smile (or an eyebrow)

Within an hour of stepping off the airport shuttle, I have already “cheers-ed” a quartet of famous comedians, stumbled upon a free Wyclef Jean concert and actually been asked: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” by a complete stranger. This can only mean one thing: I’ve made it to Montreal’s Just for Laughs festival. JFL is the largest comedy festival in the world; the holy grail of standup; the Oscars of chuckles. This summer, the festival will bring an estimated 1.35 million visitors to the city. And those visitors are in for some quirky treats. Here are five Montreal musts to seek out when you’re here:

Discover Old Montreal … and manners

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Notre-Dame Basilica cathedral Photograph: Alamy

Strolling cobblestone streets lined with 18th-century French architecture and dining on boeuf bourguignon, I found myself thinking I was actually in Paris - until the waiter was super-friendly, placing me squarely back in Canada. How miraculous that in a globalised world where every North American city feels like a familiar slew of chainstores lazily rearranged, Montreal has maintained its unique, Euro-nadian integrity. Old Montreal is the heart of the culture here.

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Wander by the bay, take in the glorious Notre-Dame Basilica cathedral (which gives the real Notre Dame a run for its money) and eat at Chez L’Epicier (on rue Saint-Paul), an incredible 1880s warehouse converted into a glorious temple for gluttony. Order the refreshing green gazpacho perfectly paired with a glass of riesling and finish with the homemade marshmallows, which you roast on a mini campfire brought to your table. They won’t even look at you funny when you accidentally get the marshmallow on your fingers, face, and (somehow) hair. Yep, definitely not Paris.

Mooch and munch around Marché Jean-Talon

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Farm fresh … Marché Jean-Talon. Photograph: Walter Bibikow/JAI/Corbis

To the US traveller, Montreal offers many bizarre anomalies such as enjoyable, cheap public transportation. I rented a Bixi bike (£2.50 for 24 hours access) from an automated station and headed to the Marché Jean-Talon, an epic farmers’ market in Little Italy. Unfortunately, I neglected to check the weather and ended up in the endless waterfall of rain known as afternoon in Montreal. I thought I would be eating fresh veggies by that point, but instead found myself soaked to the bone, shouting at strangers for directions in broken “Frenglish”.

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After taking refuge at the ironically named discount store Winners, I finally bike-swam my way to the market. The sun came out and I stood in a plentiful heaven. Fresh, ripe, juicy fruit and veggies, genuinely French croissants, and the best meats and cheeses covering an entire city block. They had samples of everything, all superior to what I can get in the US. I bought a divinely ripened nectarine for only 85 cents Canadian - that’s 65 cents to my US dollar, so in sterling they’re actually paying you to eat the fruit. If you go, make sure to visit Le Fromagerie Hamel, a 50-year-old shop specialising in imported cheese. It is the only shop in Québéc to import cheese by plane rather than boat, so it’s just like stepping into a small French market. Its local cheeses, meats and homemade pâtés are incredible, too. Go across the market to Marché des Saveurs du Québec and the staff there will help you select a local wine to pair with your picks.

Scares and screams at Peur Dépôt

Frightful stuff …Peur Dépôt

Strolling along the water near Old Montreal, I heard the unmistakable (not to mention unseasonable) chords of Bing Crosby’s White Christmas blaring through the balmy July air. Anticipating a summer nativity scene, I instead stumbled upon something slightly less creepy: zombies. I approached the one handsome non-zombie and somehow (muscles) let him talk me into trying out their contemporary haunted house. As they opened the door to a creepy confined space complete with rusted spikes on the ceiling, I crawled back out and demanded that the muscles, aka Lucas, accompany me. He graciously acquiesced and I clung to him like a baby koala, claws and all. I immediately started screaming in his ear and in hindsight I’m not sure who the experience was worse for.

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I won’t give away what happens inside, but it is intricately hi-tech with incredible design and production values – so much so that, five minutes, in I screamed my safe word – “CHICKEN!” – and the spell was broken. We emerged into the light like waking from a bad dream, except that Lucas had the multitude of claw marks to prove it was real. They took me up to a podium playing a French song about chickens as a quickly growing crowd of passersby assembled to watch, point and laugh at me. But I didn’t care: I was alive. I walked away breathless and shaking like Miley’s undercarriage. I guess this place was built for people who can handle more than 90 seconds of a Walking Dead episode. I, on the other hand, probably have PTSD now, and so does Lucas.

• Tickets from £8, Vieux-Port de Montréal, Place des Vestiges, Quai Jacques-Cartier Entrance, +1 514 358 6751, peurdepot.com

Get stunned by street art

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Street art scene, Montreal Photograph: Alamy

A little traumatised from my biking experience, I Über-ed to the street art complex and enjoyed a conversation with the driver much like many I’ve had on this trip, where he starts off telling me that his English isn’t very good and I respond confidently en Francais and we parler for three minutes until he realises that his English blows my French out of the water. At which point I pout. He takes me to the Boulevard Saint-Laurent where the annual street art festival takes place. Much like Wynwood in Miami, this area has become gentrified, in part thanks to street art and the culture surrounding it.

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People now come to Montreal specifically to see the outdoor galleries that are its streets. It has become one of the leading cities in the street art movement, a quickly growing global trend and it’s clear why: the gargantuan masterpieces make you feel as if you are swimming in colour. They make being stuck in traffic an opportunity to appreciate beauty and walking down the street feel like a day at the museum. Something about the in-your-face quality of a brick wall and sheer size of the pieces makes the message and emotion behind them much harder to ignore. Keep your eyes out for Labrona, Chris Dryer, En Masse and one of the few females renowned for her “artful vandalism”, Miss Me.

Don’t count the calories … at Schwartz’s Deli

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Terrific if calorific … sandwiches on the counter at Schwartz’s Deli Photograph: Canadian Press/Rex/Shutterstock

I’d call it a greasy spoon, but I didn’t see a single person using utensils. Voted Best Deli in North America, Schwartz’s (at 3895 Saint-Laurent Boulevard, sandwiches from £3.60) has steadily provided its magical smoked meat sandwiches for 87 heart-stopping years. Smoked meat is a greasy brisket that it dry-ages, smokes and serves to the masses at an alleged “one to two tonnes per day”. With a line around the block worthy of a Justin Bieber concert, they have to move quick. I ordered a drink and in 60 seconds flat the guy served me up a smoked meat sandwich on rye with fries, a fatty pickle and a drink I did not order. “Trust me,” he said, sliding a Colt Cherry Cola on to the table, and I’m glad I did. It was as perfectly paired as gazpacho to riesling and just as divine, cutlery or no. Warning: You may take in so much sodium the next day, you’ll feel like a water balloon begging to be popped. Cleanse the palate across the street at the quaint ice-cream shop know as Ripples. Order the cardamom and noix ice-cream, and then lie down. A heart attack may feel likely at this point.



Kelly MacLean is an American standup comedian, writer and actor. She tweets at @thekellymaclean