This past weekend was what the faithful Mormons refer to generally as Conference. With the global pandemic in full swing, Mr. Nelson addressed the worldwide congregation via satellite transmission and live streaming, and to an empty wide and spacious Church Office Building. Nelson, who was also sustained as a prophet, seer, and revelator at the same conference, was admittedly unaware that his prophecy would come true. Mr. Nelson began his address with, “Little did I know when I promised you at the October 2019 general conference that this April conference would be memorable and unforgettable, that speaking to a visible congregation of fewer than 10 people would make this conference so memorable and unforgettable for me.”

The 200th anniversary of the first 9 vision accounts of Joseph Smith was to be a smash hit success and memorable to all for being full of reverence and worshiping the so-called prophet and his whitewashed legacy. Instead, the conference will be memorable for social distancing, an empty auditorium, apostles seated six feet apart from each other, and a weird feeble waving of Kleenex in the air while indifferently chanting (repeated three times).

The hype for this year’s conference had been long in the making. Nelson and others on social media had been preparing Mormons to get excited for this year’s conference. In interviews Nelson promised exciting things to come. As God’s mouthpiece on the Earth, Nelson divinely commanded the Mormons to “eat your vitamin pills” and “get your rest” because he was not done revealing all that God has revealed and all that He will yet reveal. This providential wisdom came after already proclaiming inspired revelations such as:

Don’t refer to yourself as Mormons The Lord’s website is changing The choir’s name is changing

High Priests are just sleepy Elders, so one class is fine

3 hours for church is probably excessive

Young women can exercise the priesthood in the temple by handing out towels in the baptistry

And other mundane, inconsequential, trivial, and pathetic revelations

Yea, verily, this conference great things were revealed to the children of God. This included a new proclamation of the same stuff they’ve been saying for two hundred years. Titled “The Restoration of the Fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ: A Bicentennial Proclamation to the World”, the pseudo-Christian church with the longest name ever continued in its tradition of using as many words as possible in the the title of something. In comparison to the rest of the world, this church comprising less than 1% of the global population arrogantly issued another “proclamation to the world” as if the world cares what it thinks or will rush to read their myopic view. While largely inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and so insignificant it will be overlooked by most, you can bet your plain white polygamy panties that Mormons will proudly frame those hollow words to display in their homes.

In an unprecedented move, Nelson invoked a “solemn assembly” during conference. Typically reserved for temple dedications and temple rites, Nelson invited all members to participate from their couches as he and his brethren initiated this sacred(?) waving of handkerchiefs and chanting. Wow, so special!

During the 12 hour conference, it was also revealed that the logo of the church would be updated once again! As you know, God gets bored with His logo every few years and it has to be updated. In this time of uncertainty, global pandemic and economic crash, insufficient supply of toilet paper and hand sanitizer, it’s comforting to know what God wants the logo of his church to look like.

Let’s see…what else? The multi-billion dollar organization has enough clout to build some more multi-million dollar buildings in China, UAE, and (surprise!) Utah. So exciting.

The Mormons were sufficiently nourished and strengthened by the spirit this past weekend with inspiring messages like:

Mr. Uchtdorf reminded Mormons that apostates of the church are “like a headstrong, unruly child, become angry with God and his church, pack their bags, and storm out the door proclaiming that they’re running away and never coming back.” So if you have a loved one who has left the church, remember to handle them with kid gloves because you are SO much more mature and understanding than they are.

Mr. Cook also took to beating the dead horse of “to those who left, please come back.” We need your tithing!

True to form, Mr. Oaks repeated what he always says about how marriage is between a man and woman and anything short of that is a horrendous sin, saying “Outside the bonds of marriage, all uses of the procreative power are to one degree or another a sinful degrading and perversion of the most divine attribute of men and women.” We get it dude, you hate gays and you’ve had a lifetime of disappointing sex.

Mr. Bednar taught that temples will help conquer evil, conveniently leaving out that all temples are closed due to the global pandemic. Evil has a power play now with all the Temples in the box.

Mr. Holland spoke about the pandemic and how everyone is freaking out. He comforted the faithful by saying that their best hope for the future was continued blind obedience to their rules and promised the future would be full of miracles. If only there were people set apart and ordained as God’s mouthpieces on Earth who could have warned everyone about the coming pandemic, or received inspiration from God how to eradicate the virus, or were bestowed with the power and authority of God to wave their dirty Kleenex and heal the world…

Mr. Rasband pointed to “presidents of the United States, kings, judges, prime ministers, ambassadors and officials” who have visited Temple Square in Salt Lake City, along with leaders of the NAACP, the United Nations 68th Civil Society Conference, Vietnam’s Committee for Religious Affair, ambassadors from Cuba, the Philippines, Argentina, Romania, Sudan, Qatar and Saudi Arabia, the secretary-general of the Muslim World League, and the world gathering in Utah for the 2002 Winter Olympics as fulfillment of Prophecy. You know the one in Revelations that says, “In the last days, during a global pandemic, all the missionaries will be returned to Salt Lake City to pass the disease on to their doting family members”.

In the Mormon’s canonized scripture there are accounts of prophets doing incredible things. Making bold prophecies of the future. Shutting the mouths of lions. Standing in fire unburnt like Khaleesi. Standing on walls and boldly declaring destruction to the wicked if they would not repent, and being unscathed by the barrage of arrows shot at them. Parting the Red Sea. Turning rivers to blood. Shocking people with their hands. Creating LED lights out of rocks, etc. But where are the miracles now? Where are the prophecies? Real, awe inspiring prophecies, not that next conference is gonna be lit.

We’re supposed to believe that in these troubling times where the world could use divine intervention, that God is preoccupied with what his logo looks like? And that should comfort us…how? And then God has the audacity to demand subservience and money from His followers who are losing their jobs? What a selfish God the Mormons believe in.

This conference was a big fat nothing burger, garnished with outdated platitudes, homophobic fear-mongering, vapid deepities to console the credulous, and a slice of homemade 19th century American frontier morality.

But ask any Member who watched the entire spectacle, and it was the best conference to date.