I’m so delighted. After all my philosophising and arguments, my disdain and wondering, my curiosity and reading, I can finally answer the question of god’s existence. Praise His name! Not only does the Christian god exist, ladies and gentleman, but I know an almost certain way to get into the lovely domain of Heaven: Vote ANC.

It’s so simple. Here I am doing an ethics course, struggling through the difficult dilemmas raised when people with different beliefs and different values come into conflict over a singular issue. What? That’s politics you say? Don’t be silly. Vote ANC!

What makes me even more glad and joyful, what really stirs my, well, faith, is knowing my President knows this so well. He knows that voting for his party – no, no, it’s not just convenient and a marketing ploy! – will get you into heaven. Look! He says so himself:

When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don’t vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork … who cooks people […] When you are carrying an ANC membership card, you are blessed. When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven […] When (Jesus) fetches us we will find (them) wearing black, green and gold, the holy ones belong to the ANC.

In other words: Vote ANC! Or go to Hell. Literally (because Hell really, really exists)

Thank goodness we now know the “holy ones” that Jesus “fetches” are voters of the ANC. My bags are packed, I’ve stitched my ANC badge into the interior, on my jackets, everywhere. The colours match my new party. Vote ANC!

There’s no need to ask how President Zuma knows all this info, because he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t truly believe it. After all, the Bible tells us lying is wrong. Therefore, he couldn’t be making any of this up or using a convenient mechanism to get votes and gain more power. Don’t be silly! He cares about your soul. He knows – er, somehow – that voting ANC will get you into Heaven. What? Being a good person? You’ll still go to hell, as he indicated! So don’ be silly. Vote ANC.

Whilst I think we would all like to know where Zuma is getting his information from, it’s no use asking for such mysterious assertions. It requires faith, my brothers and sisters. Don’t ask why the Lord God cares about how one particular country, on a particular planet, votes in their local elections! He cares about everything – you know, who you sleep with, what you sleep with, what you wear, eat… why wouldn’t he care about which party you vote for. Zuma knows (er, I don’t know how) and he has shown us the way. Vote ANC!

Please don’t say this is religious blackmail or else Julius Malema might call you a racist. Vote ANC!

If you care about your eternal soul and the soul of your loved ones, get them to … say it with me now… Vote ANC!