Leonardo DiCaprio announced earlier today that he will be writing, producing and starring in a live-action adaptation of the anime Kumamiko: Girl Meets Bear. DiCaprio will play Machi Amayadori, a 14 year old Japanese girl who lives in the countryside with her bear companion, Natsu Kumai. DiCaprio published a statement about his choice to adapt KumaMiko into a Hollywood blockbuster.

“I know I just won the Oscar this year for The Revenant, but winning an Oscar failed to fill the void in my heart that being shunned for so many years created, so clearly the only thing I can do to solve my problems is win more Oscars. Based on The Revenant, it seems Academy voters really like seeing me nearly but not quite be fucked by a bear, and when I heard about KumaMiko it seemed like just the right source material to get me my next Oscar.”

“In addition to playing the lead, I’ll also be taking on the role of producer, writer, director, sound mixer, and costume designer, because I’m bound to get at least one Oscar somewhere in there. I’m also doing the score, I’ve already created a really great ballad based on that catchy ending theme.”

When asked about the challenges of playing a Japanese girl, DiCaprio saw nothing wrong. “If Scarlett Johansson can play a character named Motoko Kusanagi, it’s clearly no different for me to play a Japanese shrine maiden. If anything, I think I’ll do a better job. Compare my performances in The Revenant and Django Unchained, I’ve got real range. I’ve already started getting into character for the role by studying Shinto and getting my cousin to sexually harass me.”

Reportedly Leonardo DiCaprio is looking to cast Bill Murray as Natsu Kumai after his performances in St. Vincent and The Jungle Book, but has been unable to actually find him.

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