Back in the good ol' days, the United States could pretty much destroy any brown-person country it wanted — just for a laugh, or oil pipeline, or both.

But times have changed. The dastardly Russians and their Asian neighbor have ruined 25 years of post-Cold War preemptive war and prosperity. What gives? Ash Carter, like a middle-aged car salesman reminiscing about his glorious, date rape-filled fraternity days, doesn't want to face that the best years are far behind him (and Raytheon):

No fighting in the war room Defense Secretary Ash Carter on Saturday accused Russia of endangering world order...Carter also expressed concern about China's expanding influence and growing military might, but he reserved his stronger words for Russia in his remarks to the Reagan National Defense Forum. ... Carter said Russia is undertaking "challenging activities" at sea, in the air, in space and in cyberspace. "Most disturbing, Moscow's nuclear saber-rattling raises questions about Russian leaders' commitment to strategic stability, their respect for norms against the use of nuclear weapons, and whether they respect the profound caution nuclear-age leaders showed with regard to the brandishing of nuclear weapons," he said.

Here's where things get really awkward, though:

"We do not seek a cold, let alone a hot, war with Russia," he said. "We do not seek to make Russia an enemy. But make no mistake; the United States will defend our interests, our allies, the principled international order, and the positive future it affords us all." The backdrop to Carter's remarks is the reality that after more than two decades of dominating great-power relations, the United States is seeing Russia reassert itself and China expand its military influence beyond its own shores. Together these trends are testing American preeminence and its stewardship of the world order.

Someone needs a hug.