This week, Lost in Showbiz finds itself focusing on the world of rock and pop music, where one news story after another appears to be conspiring to blow its mind. Our first stop is Brazil, where a minister called Eduardo de Oliveira Coelho is engaged in one of the more original bids to boost tourism in the São Paulo region: eschewing boastful mention of the area's 622km of beaches and the verdant splendour of the Alto Ribeira State and Tourist Park in favour of claiming that Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood is holed up in a rural self-sufficient guesthouse there, awaiting the end of the world on 21 December. Don't spend the Mayan apocalypse with the hoi-polloi, come to the rolling countryside outside Sao Luiz do Paraitinga for a truly star-studded armageddon, that seemed to be his message. Lost in Showbiz notes that Radiohead's spokesman has denied Greenwood is even in Brazil, but nevertheless likes the cut of the self-sufficient guesthouse owner's jib enormously. "The reason why he's here is to get away because hotels like this preserve the privacy of the guests," he offered, preserving the privacy of his guests by discussing their whereabouts with the global media.

Next to America, where happy news awaits us: police have foiled a plot to castrate Justin Bieber with a pair of garden shears. The plot was apparently hatched from within prison by a convicted murderer called Dana Martin, who has a tattoo of Bieber on his leg, and was willing to pay his accomplices on the outside $2,500 per severed testicle. Leaving aside the question of how walking around a prison with a tattoo of Justin Bieber on his leg is working out for him, Lost in Showbiz admits to being a little surprised at the going rate – it would have thought a recently severed teenybop idol's knacker would fetch a little more than that, seeing as it's what an expert on the Antiques Roadshow would refer to as "one of an entirely unique pair" – and wonders aloud at precisely what he planned to do with the Bieber sweetbreads on delivery. Turn them into a pair of statement earrings? Have them stuffed and mounted as a conversation piece? Use them as novelty bookends?

And finally we must head to New Zealand, and the offices of 3 News, the TV channel that looked up on the royal-prank-call tragedy and answered the question that's been preying on the world's mind since news of Jacintha Saldanha's suicide broke: yes, but what does Roy's Keen hitmaker Morrissey think about all this? Thank God it did.

Lost in Showbiz has long been of the opinion that if you want straight-talking common sense delivered on any subject, Morrissey is very much your go-to guy. It disregards those who keep positing a theory similar to that involving Paul McCartney in the late 60s, in which the nonpareil performer and lyricist who fronted the Smiths passed away some years ago and was covertly replaced by a stand-in who looks like Morrissey and sounds like Morrissey, but gives the game away by dint of the fact that he appears to be an idiot. It pays no heed to anyone who suggests that there's something genuinely depressing about seeing a man who could once rightly claim to be a genius reduced to being rock music's answer to an internet troll, flaming away then whining on about free speech and how there's a vast conspiracy against him when anyone picks him up on it. It points to the way he brilliantly put the 2011 Norway terrorist attacks into perspective as "nothing compared to what happens in McDonald's every day" – a rightwing Islamophobe extremist murdering 77 people because he hated multiculturalism being entirely analogous to eating a sweet chilli crispy chicken wrap – and asks: does that even remotely resemble the kind of thing a moron would write in the comments section of a website?

And here he was again, at last providing the world with a clear-eyed and plausible explanation of events that bore no likeness whatsoever to something posted on the Global Conspiracy Theory Messageboard at 3am by a man who hasn't changed out of his dressing gown in four days. Here, responsibility for Saldanha's death was quite rightly attributed to the Duchess of Cambridge herself. The evidence produced was irrefutable. First, Middleton was obviously either faking hyperemesis gravidarum or possibly her entire pregnancy in order to cover up anorexia. "Morning sickness already? … it doesn't ring true," noted Morrissey, who's always struck Lost in Showbiz as the kind of man who might have an extensive knowledge of pregnancy and its associated side-effects. Indeed, he's probably done his own research into hyperemesis gravidarum that contradicts the flimsy so-called "scientific facts" and "medical evidence" suggesting it usually strikes between the sixth and eighth week of pregnancy: either way, he's definitely not just saying the first thing that comes into his head.

Furthermore, he had noted, the Duchess of Cambridge was "bright as a button as soon as this poor woman dies, she's out of the hospital". To those of you claiming you saw film of the Duchess of Cambridge leaving hospital the day before Saldanha's death, Lost in Showbiz has only five words: FAKE FOOTAGE – WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. Reeling from these truthbombs, the scales tumbling from its eyes, Lost in Showbiz ignores the callous suggestion that Morrissey might actually be acting as a double-agent on behalf of the British monarchy, there to create a newfound modicum of sympathy for the Duchess of Cambridge even among those staunch republicans already heartily sick of her pregnancy. Instead, it looks forward to his next interview in which he reveals that Princess Michael of Kent murdered The Notorious BIG and Captain Mark Phillips faked the moon landings.