Makes Yah Think…

Donald Trump is running wild on United States politics, much to the bemused horror of many foreigners, such as myself. Being of the Canadian variety of foreigner (aka barely noticeably foreign to an American), Mr. Trump’s rise and possible impending election is somewhat concerning, but not for the reasons American readers might be thinking. While the populace of the United States quarrels over the differences between Mr. Trump and his political opponent, the rest of the world has caught on to some similarities between Donald and someone else…

Donald Trump could be part of the same alien invasion force as Hulk Hogan. Throughout this expose I will outline several pieces of available evidence. This race will be referred to as the Dogans throughout the present report.

Physical Evidence

They’re Both Orange.

Perhaps the most obvious and compelling similarity. Cats, flowers, fruit, pumpkins, safety equipment, and electrolyte restoring sports drinks are meant to be orange. Humans, perhaps less so. Even outliers among the habitually spray-tanned will agree, both ‘men’ take “looking sun kissed” to mean “looking like fruit leather.”

a. Exhibit Hulk

b. Exhibit Trump

Both Prone To Ridiculous Exaggerations About Their Proportions and the Proportions Of Others.

Twenty-four inch pythons, Ten-inch penis, “not small” hands and penis, “small” opponents…

(You totally thought the small opponents one would be Hogan, and you were wroooooong!)

Both Persist With The Illusion They Have Hair

Hogan, er, ‘Terry somehow went so far as to get an exception an exception to wear a durag in court. We all know about Donald’s hair. There aren’t any more jokes to be made about it. It’s just dumb and bad. However, the Dogans research has clearly shown that humans tend to respond poorly to male pattern baldness, and are exploiting whatever methods they can to hide this unfortunate human trait.

Aside: Hulk Hogan is willing to put over the skullet, but not Shawn Michaels. What an awful, awful man.

There Is No Way Two People Who Are So Gross To Look At Should Get So Over, Yet —

Running for the Presidency and being the face of professional wrestling can both be assumed to require a certain level of telegenic appeal, yet both Hogan and Trump have succeeded despite looking like balding Stretch Armstrong and a soggy cheeto topped with dog hair, respectively. Refer to Exhibits Hulk and Trump from the first point. Or don’t, actually, especially if you’re trying to eat.

Behavioural and Historical Evidence

Five Moves of Doom

Never one to overcomplicate things, Donald Trump’s political move-set takes the following form: 1) talking about how “successful” he is, 2) boasting his various other exploits and conquests 3) hurling insults in the form of silly nicknames and poorly-coded epithets, 4) half apologizing for these insults before fully embracing and doubling down on the crazy, and of course, 5) garden-variety demagoguery that appeals to the straight white male demographic that feels like a diminishment of their slightly-less-than-total domination of politics is directly tied to their sexual humiliation. (Hence the word ‘cuck’s resurgence)

Hulk Hogan’s success as a wrestler is tied to his superhuman (and unalterable) comeback sequence — on the verge of defeat, he’d 1) Hulk up 2) wag his finger and shrug off attacks before countering into 3) an irish whip 4) boot to the head and 5) leg drop.

The Dogans have clearly studied the human race and are exploiting their findings that we respond well to pattern and predictability. There is evidence to suggest that Chad Kroeger and Jay Leno are also Dogans, but this assertion is pending further research.

Betrayed Macho Man Randy Savage

Hogan famously betrayed The Macho Man most memorably by joining Nash and Hall and proclaiming a ‘New World Organization’ (retconned as Order.)

I cannot conclusively prove that Trump crossed Randy, but after supporting Savage at WM IV (at Trump Plaza,) he was seated front and centre at WM V (also at Trump Plaza) and cheered Hogan’s victory over Savage. Also, if Trump so much as looked at Miss Elizabeth, there would have been some trouble.

Was Savage part of another, guardian alien force sent to earth to stop the Dogans? Possibly, but if so he was better at covering his tracks., so we may never know.

Starred in Reality TV Shows.

The Hulkster starred in VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best, while Donald Trump appeared on The Apprentice and in its (I assume) infinitely more entertaining spin-off Celebrity Apprentice, where you can watch Trump fire Johnny Damon and two people I’ve never heard of (but who are definitely still celebrities.)

Dogan studies would easily have come to a very quick conclusion the simple act of ‘being on TV’ promotes an air of importance and legitimacy in human culture. Why else would a real estate billionaire be wasting his time on a reality TV show, right?

Have A Really Creepy Relationship With Their Daughters.

Donald Trump hilariously joked that he would be dating his own daughter, Ivanka, were he not her father (‘cuz, you know, she’s got a very nice figure…) He also made comments about his then infant daughter’s legs and breasts back in 1994. Then there was that time he made a joke about having sex with Ivanka. Then there was that time he doubled down on the joke/hint about dating his own daughter, but this time getting EVEN MORE specific about how great her figure is. And of course there is this distressing photograph of his 15 year old daughter in a pencil skirt sitting on his lap on top of a statue of mating tropical birds while he gropes her waist and she gazes at him sideways, which is totally normal family portraiture. Suddenly the awful sweaters from my family’s photos seem so much less terrible. Less money less problems, yeah? (No.) Trump also okay’d Howard Stern referring to Ivanka as a “piece of ass.”

Hulk, well, Hulk just posted a weird picture of his daughter’s legs on twitter and also was photographed applying sunscreen to his daughter’s… um… It’s not good, anyway. There’s also an insinuation about Hulk’s current wife being something of a Brooke Hogan look-alike which — I don’t really see — Oh.

It’s quite possible that Dogans do not share the human repulsion to incest. Perhaps their genetic makeup frees them from the dangerous trappings of inbreeding. Perhaps this is the natural way of things on the Dogan home planet and it’s everything they can do to keep themselves this human sensibility. Hopefully, one day, we have the answers to this.

Improbable Longevity

Both Hulk Hogan and Donald Trump were big in the 80s, which makes about as much sense as anything from the 80s, but maintains a kind of internal logic. It’s been nothing but leg drops and seedy business practices for decades. Yet both are household names. In 2016.

We’ve already discussed the Dogans’ research of the human condition. Clearly they are using their finding to keep themselves relevant, and doing a bang up job of it.

Made Cameo Appearances in Early 1990s Children’s Movie Sequels Set in New York City Highrises.

So specific as to be meaningless! Donald Trump was featured briefly in 1992’s Home Alone 2, much of which took place in the famous Plaza Hotel in Manhattan, which he had recently purchased at the time. Pay attention to his look back at Kevin after answering the question. “Who is that kid?.. Should I kick him out? I should… Oh no he’s behind some people now. Oh well… I could use a taco bowl? Wait where is my entourage? Where am I?” Also, how refreshing is it to watch Donald give a specific and accurate answer to a question? (Acceptable answers: amazingly, tremendously, or the best.)

Hulkster appeared in an absurd cutaway in 1990’s Gremlins 2, in which he cuts a (surprisingly coherent and succinct) promo on some “gremsters,” which is actually kind of great. The whole thing is somehow fitting, because Gremlins 2 is a batshit insane piece of cinema. Also, based on revelations of what we’ve learned about Donald Trump in more recent years, Business Gremster from the promotional poster could 100% be based on irl Business Trumpster

Both Trump and Hogan seem to have opted for television appearance over the silver screen since the 90’s. Probably because this allows them to influence a higher number of future subjects this way.

Aside: Are people using the term ‘Trumpster Fire’ yet?

Own Clubs in Florida

Hulk Hogan bowed to public pressure to change his Tampa night club’s almost hilariously racist dress code. As in it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so, well, not hilarious. What is hilarious is this: how can Hulk Hogan own an establishment where bandanas and durags are not allowed? That’s his bread and butter right there! (Also: Missing from the menu? Bread and butter.)

Donald Trump has a bunch of clubs in Florida (presumably the best, truly unbelievable) blah blah he owns properties who cares moving on.

Humans like clubs. If we give them clubs, they will come to them. That’s where we get them the mind control serum. Put it in the ginger ale. Humans love ginger ale…

Involvement with Many Failed Ventures, Often Bearing Their Own Name

It should not be held as an indictment of Hogan or Trump’s business acumen that these businesses failed. Many of these ventures were simply experiments at mind control. Subliminal messaging and mind control serum can almost definitely be found in many of these products, believe me.

Amongst others, Hogan has been at least partially responsible for the failings of:

· Hogan Knows Best (VH1 TV Series)

· Hogan Energy (Another energy drink, but this what had vitamins. No word on whether or not it contained prayers)

· Celebrity Championship Wrestling (CMT (lol wut) TV Series)

· Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania (chain of food court restaurants. Hogan actually funded this one himself)

· Gawker (mandatory leg drop meme)

· WCW (Heyoooooo!)

· TNA’s financial situation was not in any way helped by Hogan’s involvement.

Failed Donald Trump business ventures include but are not limited to:

· Trump Steaks: Terrible steaks marketed as good steaks.

· Trump Airlines: Bought an economy airline and made the planes more luxurious/expensive. It didn’t work out. Go figure.

· Trump Vodka: I know. I don’t know how you manage to go out of business making liquor either.

· Trump Mortgage Company: What it sounds like.

· Trump: The Game: An actual board game. Huh.

· Trump (I feel like I’m beginning to see a pattern here…) Magazine: A luxury lifestyle magazine, Trump Style!

· Trump University: A university that had to change it’s name because it was in no way a university. Trump is currently being sued over this one.

· Trump Ice: Bottled water (by Nestle) with Donald Trump on it.

· The New Jersey Generals: A football team in a league trying to surmount the NFL. Basically the TNA of football, I guess?

· Trump New Media: An Internet Provider. So Hillary isn’t the only one who has a regrettable history with emails.

· Trump Taj Mahal, The: Hotel and Casino

· Trump Castle: Casino

· Trump Plaza and Casino: Casino

· Tru… You know what? There are too many. I’m done with this, but for one last…

· Trump Network, The: Apparently a pyramid scheme for selling vitamins, which brings us to…

Insisted That Your Take Your Vitamins

Exhibit Trump: See above

Exhibit Hulk: watch literally any pre NWO Hogan promo.

Vitamins also contain Drogan mind control serum.

Feuded with Vince K McMahon, Ultimately Culminating in Absurd Wrestlemania Matches

2003 saw a Hogan/McMahon feud resulting in a gruesome match at Wrestlemania XIX in which Vince was inexplicably ‘booked’ to be on somewhat the same level as Hulk, which is both irksome and absurd. But hey, wrestling usually is… This clip (starting at the 2:40 mark) gives a brief synopsis of the program which was built on an argument as to which of the two men was responsible for the creation of ‘Hulkamania’ and whether or not it was still, in fact, alive. Like I said, absurd!

Four years later, McMahon and Trump began a feud with an equally absurd (but in wrestling, a time honored and traditional) stipulation: hair vs. hair. Basically, each of these old, rich, white men seek the services of young men ‘of colour’ to fight as his champion, with the one who picks the winning champion getting to shave the other’s head. The match was dubbed the ‘Battle of the Billionaires’, though in actuality should have been called the ‘Battle of Two Men Employed By Multimillionaires Who Claim To Be Billionaires On TV.’ The ace up Trump’s sleeve is that he somehow managed to get fellow enemy of McMahon and bald person “Stone Cold” Steve Austin to officiate the contest. Trump won, and Vince had his head shaved. I really can’t stress enough that pro-wrestling IS absurdist theatre.

Either the McMahon family are Drogans, Drogan sympathisers, or are part of the same saviour race as Macho Man. Hopefully the answer becomes clear before it’s too late.

Aside: Trump actually has a lengthy relationship with WWE. His venues have hosted many events, he’s participate in storylines, Linda McMahon endorsed him for president kinda, and Hulk Hogan even offered to be his running mate. Trump-a-mania is running wild, brother! There are a whole bunch of pieces on how Trump modeled his public persona after WWE characters. Here is one of them. Subsequently —

Both are Members of the WWE Hall of Fame, though not mentioned much due to racist tirades and behaviour that embarrasses the sport of wrestling, an almost inherently embarrassing sport to be a fan of.

· Exhibit Hulk (NSFW)

· Exhibit Trump

· Exhibit Trump

· Exhibit Trump

· Exhibit Trump

For some reason, Drogans prefer to portray themselves as Caucasian humans. How an alien race came to prejudice against particular subsections of the human race is entirely unknown, but that doesn’t change the fact that Trump and Hogan are just straight up…

Not Fans of Black People

We all know about Hulk’s rant, but Trump might actually surpass him if you believe former Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino executive John O’Donnell, who wrote that Trump once told him:

“I’ve got black accountants at Trump Castle and at Trump Plaza — black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day. Those are the kind of people I want counting my money. Nobody else. . . . Besides that, I’ve got to tell you something else. I think that the guy is lazy. And it’s probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is; I believe that. It’s not anything they can control.”

That’s unsubstantiated, but Trump’s tone deafness on racial politics is extensively documented, and even as recently as October 7th he reiterated his belief that despite having been exonerated by DNA evidence and the real perpetrator having admitted his guilt more than a decade ago, the ‘Central Park Five’ were guilty. The Justice Department’s early-70s suit against Trump for racial bias in renting is less a relic and more a starting point.

Appeared in Pornographic Videos

Okay. First of all, relax. There is no video documentation of “The Donald” in action that the public is aware of. He did, however, appear in a 2000 softcore porn video produced by Playboy. Considering his fondness for literally judging women’s bodies, this should surprise nobody.

There is, sadly, video documentation of “The Hulkster.” Most of us are aware of the absurd story surrounding Hogan’s leaked sex tape, which is more notable for his profane racist rant.

If Hogan’s naked body at this point isn’t a full indictment of the notion that he is a part of the human race, then I don’t know what is. It’s like if you found a rubber dish glove under the fridge after 2 years and stretched it over a GI Joe.

Both Abuse Power to Screw Others Over

There is a fairly overwhelming list of people who Trump has shorted or outright refused to pay for work, mostly smaller contractors who worked on his various properties. The Wall Street Journal has a fairly nice piece on it. Basically, the strategy is to wait for the work to be completed, and then refuse to pay full price for it. Since it would take years to drag the cases through court, the smaller businesses simply could not afford not to accept partial payment in lieu of the agreed upon figure. Anyone digging Trump’s brand of populism — caveat emptor.

There is also a fairly overwhelming list of people who Hogan has refused to “put over” (wrestling slang for losing to someone). Despite being arguably the most famous professional wrestler of all time, Hogan refused to lose to such legends as Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Ric Flair, and Steve Austin, despite the fact that they were often much younger and could certainly have benefited from the shine it would have put on their careers without diminishing Hogan’s. However, egos are what they are, and Hogan is often criticized for putting himself before the product himself.

And what are the Drogans after? POWER! (For reasons yet unknown but probably linked to the harvesting of our wonderful, normal looking skin and hair)

Resort to Violence to Defeat Opponents.

Not the strongest of points, It makes perfect sense that there would be hundreds of video clips of Hogan insisting that he would be pummelling his foes in their upcoming bouts. It just makes sense. It’s his job.

Trump seems to have employed this same gimmick, though, stating that he would “bomb the shit out of” Middle Eastern oil workers, calling for supporters to beat up protesters, hinting that Hillary Clinton and/or her supreme court nominees could be shot to prevent further gun regulations, and threatening to hit speakers from this year’s DNC. This man is running for president.

Both Recently Bankrolled by Peter Thiel.

Peter Thiel, aka the other guy behind Paypal (not to be confused with the other other guy behind Paypal. You know. Whatshisname. Not Elon Musk but the other one.) Thiel vengefully contributed $10-million to Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker, the website that once upon a time published an article regarding his sexuality. Hogan, as was mentioned earlier, has effectively bankrupted Gawker Media with the help of his funding. So say what you will about the value that libertarians and racist pro wrestlers bring to this world, they managed to end Gawker, and that has to count for something.

The tech-billionaire has also contributed to real estate multi-millionaire Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, despite the fact that Mr. Thiel is a self described libertarian and the Libertarian Party was polling as high as 13% nationally, which would be by far the best result they have ever received. Perhaps he just wants to see a new libertarian utopia emerge from the ashes of a Trump presidency…

Peter Thiel is a Drogan sympathiser confirmed.

Aside: We can only fault Thiel so much for not giving money to Gary Johnson. Canny investment strategy.

The Pair Are Absolute Twitter Disasters

Between the two, they’ve tweeted comic gems such as:

“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again — just watch. He can do much better!”,

“Me and all my friends at the 10pm Ninga [sic] Turtle movie brother”,

“@katyperry Katy, what the hell were you thinking when you married loser Russell Brand. There is a guy who has got nothing going, a waste!”

and “Can I text u”.

If you’re not familiar with their respective twitter histories, you probably can’t even tell who tweeted what. Seeing as how the two subjects are Hulk Hogan and a man who might be the next president of the United States, this should concern you.

Hogan also has a habit of retweeting prank tweets, including ones involving convicted pedophiles, which is really more sad than it is funny. You would think he would wise up, but he’s apparently also a bit of a slow learner.

Social media is just way more evolved on the Drogan home world. Us humans wouldn’t get it…

Both Have Had New York Times Bestselling Ghostwritten Autobiographies.

I haven’t read either of these, so I cannot get to in depth here, except to say that Trump’s ghost writer had some pretty unflattering things to say about the 18 months spent working with him on ‘The Art of The Deal.’

Interestingly, Hogan’s ghostwriter for ‘My Life Outside The Ring’ also wrote Tim Pawlenty’s autobiography. Pawlenty, the governor of Minnesota (or as we call it in Canada, Somewhat-Less-Shitty-Manitoba) has endorsed Trump for President.

It only makes sense that the Drogans would have trouble with the human language.

Aside: Manitobans wait with baited breath to change the name of the province to Somewhat-Less-Shitty-Minnesota should Trump manage to get elected.

Both Have Hosted SNL

Hogan co-hosted with Mr. T in order to promote the first ever Wrestlemania. This was the season after Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo left and the season before Lorne Michaels returned, so I can’t imagine it was very funny, but NBC has made the episode available for free on their website. Just not to Canadians. This is a common occurrence in Canada. Please send help.

Trump hosted the show last fall for an episode that was panned by politicos, members of the cast past and present, critics of Trump’s controversial and (at that time) supposedly fringe views, and just about anyone with a sense of humour. Hard to gauge which was worse as I have zero interest in watching either.

Promotion of ‘Real Americans’ or a ‘Real America’

Hulk’s entrance theme, wherein he pledges that the Real American “fights for the rights of every man” and “fights for what’s right” is, given the events of this past year, both kind of quaintly jingoistic and frankly much more egalitarian than the nebulous fantasy of Make America Great Again and the none-too-subtle suggestion of what ‘taking America back’ might actually mean.

Again, Drogans did their research here. Americans love America. Americans love asserting that America is better than you’re stupid country. Americans will tell you that hockey is lame and that it doesn’t matter that all the best hockey players come from your home country. Stupid idiots…

Evidence of Their Impact on Observers

Known to Inspire Mania

· Exhibit Hulk (Looks like fun!)

· Exhibit Trump (Oh, dear…)

Objectively Hilarious Until You Actually Stop and Think.

That Hulk Hogan, with his horrible tan and hair, incomprehensible ranting and extremely limited and repetitive repertoire of wrestling moves was indisputably the most successful wrestler in the world is actually pretty funny. That he continued to wrestle (poorly) and hold a lot of power backstage to the detriment of the business, in addition to the above examples of his personal conduct — less funny.

Donald Trump as a weird looking reality television star and parody of a successful businessman — funny. As one of the two people who could become the next President of the United States? Absolutely horrifying. You can argue he’s a result of the system, or that he’s a reaction to dissatisfaction with that system, either way, something is deeply amuck.

I didn’t grow up during the Hulkamania period, so I only really remember ‘Hollywood’ Hogan and later. I never really understood the appeal, and might even contend that he was kind of awful. This might be a point of contention, I understand this. He has made some hilarious flubs, though, such as in this legendary promo, and that has to count for something!

I didn’t grow up in the United States, and like most foreigners (with names that don’t rhyme with Sadimir Wootin) I cannot in any way wrap my head around what is going on with this guy. It scares me and I want to it stop. This maybe be a point of contention, and that worries me even further.

If the Dogans have an abundance of on thing, it’s logic defying charisma and allure. Or maybe it’s all the mind control syrum…

Careers Derailed By Being Unknowingly Recorded Saying Horrifying things.

Somehow the Dogans haven’t developed audio recording technology. We’ve talked a lot to much about Hulk’s sex tape bigot rant, but somehow, Trump one upped him… Huh.

Big Following Among Meme Spewing Edge Lords.

I would love to scour 4chan, reddit and twitter for examples, but my faith in humanity has been shaken enough as is. As both men are icons of a supposedly persecuted white alpha-male power fantasy, it’s hardly a stretch.

And so there you have it. Both Donald Trump and Hulk Hogan are insane, orange, balding, racist, best selling ‘authors’, WWE Hall of Famers, and twitter addict man-children who have somehow managed to amass great deals of money throughout their lives just to have the carpet pulled out from under them late in their careers due to being caught on tape saying awful, awful things.

Perhaps the Dogan forces have reached higher levels than we hope, and all of them share the same passion for social media and complete lack of social awareness. Or perhaps this is the result of Dogan/Human interbreeding. Or perhaps we’ve just reached peak mind control… Either way, the resulting awfulness of the internet may well be the chief concern of the Dogan presence on Earth.

How To Stop Them

I can’t do this alone, people. If you have ANY evidence that further link Donald Trump and Hulk Hogan, then PLEASE COME FORWARD. If you have any leads on further Dogans or Dogan sympathisers, then we MUST expose them. It isn’t too late, but constant vigilance IS required to save ourselves from this invasion!

With your help and support, we can ensure that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is the first member of the WWE Hall of Fame to become the most electrifying man in the White House. (Assuming he’s inducted before 2020.)