In Campaign Relaunch, Trump Forgets He’s President, Vows to Defeat President

Jun 19, 2019

From the campaign trail:

ORLANDO, FLORIDA - America! The last few years have been horrible. Horrible. We need a president who leads, unlike the current president. We need to Make America Great Again.

Our current president lies to you. He finds wealth in division. Do you know that? Have you been lied to? Believe me. He thinks he can break you down with paranoid schizophrenic doublespeak. Sick.

The fake news wants you to think that somehow I’m to blame. That I’m the swamp who needs to be drained. Now how could that be me? I spend my days at Mar a Lago. I don't even go to the White House.

Our current president is a bankrupt billionaire who eats pizza with a fork and says he's just like you. He’s a bone spur coward who says he’s brave in battle. He pays for orgies with porn stars and sells you on his devoted Christian husbandry. He’s a tax-evading casino huckster, for god sakes.

Let us drain the swamp! Get the fake-billionaire out of the White House. We need someone who knows who they really are--not this crony capitalist Game of Thrones backwash.

We need HOPE and CHANGE. This election is about ME. About MY family, MY future, and the fate of ME. I’M WITH HIM.

So I begin my 2020 campaign by offering you new enemies to focus upon. I will get so mad about "the enemy" and you'll all get mad too and it seems like war will break out and then suddenly I'll “fix it” by stopping... switching your attention elsewhere... and later saying "see how calm we all are now that I fixed it?" America: I am my own antidote.

Together we shall manufacture a great crisis. The greatest crisis this country has even seen. You need a president that will pick on marginalized voices, like immigrants, gays in the military, all news, or Rosie O’Donnell.

White America! So many lives I touch, so much anger aimed in no particular direction. Just sprays and sprays. And straight through your radio waves it plays and plays. ’Til it stays stuck in your head for days and days. Swing now to my pendulum. My crushing juggernaut shall consume you!

White America! I will take down the CURRENT PRESIDENT and stop this schizophrenia once and for all!