An internship you need to see to believe!

Summer’s here, and I’m sad to say that Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers remains on hiatus due to alleged Mann Act violations.

I find myself at loose ends.

As much as I love imparting wisdom to young souls using my own brand of especially hands-on didacticism my legal counsel has advised me to put things on hold as we deal with the aforementioned ongoing litigation.

“You can’t fuck your students, Rory.”

“Why not? Sartre and de Beauvoir did.”

“And they both got in trouble for it. It’s not allowed. You’re in a position of power. They’re too easily influenced.”

“I don’t see how that’s my problem.”

“They’re pressing charges. That’s why it’s your problem.”

“But seventeen is legal in Hawaii.”

“It isn’t in their home state. You can’t fly kids to Hawaii and then fuck them.”

“Ah! But I didn’t fly them out. Their parents bought the tickets.”

“Yeah and their parents are pissed. They thought they were sending their kids to Summer school, not some degenerate fuck house.”

“How dare you! There’s nothing degenerate about what I did to them!”

“Don’t play dumb, you’re in a lot of trouble. Seriously, get your shit together.”

But all hope is not yet lost! Global Hobo, a travel website aimed at millennials playing vagabond on mommy and daddy’s dime, is hosting a similar program. And they’re accepting applications!

For the low low cost of US$1989 (airfare and meals not included), you can fly to Bali and learn the ins and outs of travel blogging at the feet of literary luminaries such as Gemma Clarke, Nat Kassel, Shaun Fisher, and Mimi LaMontagne!

Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?

Travel to the uber-hip Balinese province of Canggu with Global Hobo. Over the course of a month, a team of word-savvy hobos will be given intensive writing and blogging tutelage focused on travel as well as cross-cultural language training with a Balinese language school. In their free time, interns will be exploring every nook and cranny of southern Bali so they can put together a comprehensive online destination guide in teams. They’ll also be producing two pieces for Global Hobo, which will be heavily workshopped over the course of the program. (Emphasis theirs.)

Blogging tutelage!

Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?

I ran the idea by my wife, she’s more than willing to bankroll my month long adventure in shouting down criticism and peer pressuring kids into experimental living. All that remains is to be accepted.

Send a winning cover letter, resume and writing sample to our editor Gemma at [email protected] proving why you are the hobo worthy of this incredible opportunity and outlining any skills you think may be relevant, such as photography, social media, the ability to use inDesign etc. Any boring emails will be thrown out the window.

Here’s my application letter.

Dearest Gemma,

I recently came across your call for interns and would love nothing more than to pay for the privilege of contributing to your website.

I’m very well traveled, having sojourned (that’s a great word, right?) to locales such as Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Argentina, Chile, Morocco, Turkey, Egypt, China, Thailand, and Cambodia. So many adventures, so many fond memories.

I once punched a beggar child in the head! He was trying to lift my wallet and totally had it coming.

Glancing at your photos on social media I noticed many young, nubile, college students. But not a single thirty six year old married man. Which you desperately need. What I lack in taut skin and trim waistline I more than compensate for with wisdom earned through years of experience.

I’m well versed in many aspects of the vagabond trip. Including, but not limited to:

-Masturbating relatively quietly in a shared lodging scenario.

-Attaining palliative care for STI’s in third world destinations.

-Shouting at taxi drivers.

-Proper applications of violence.

-Over-use of present tense in pseudo-enlightened travel blogging.

-Proper procurement of illicit substances outside US borders.

-Making yourself understood using only gestures and volume.

I am currently clean shaven, but I am capable of growing a truly majestic beard. The following link depicts what that would look like.

Click here!

Further examples of my digital prowess:

Click here!

And here!

Furthermore, you can find a writing sample at the following link.

Click here!

Before we move forward, as I can only assume you’re already mentally preparing my acceptance letter, I have a few questions.

Can I receive a discount if I do not plan to attend the language classes? I prefer to communicate by shouting in accented English.

Would it be possible to attain a look book prior to selecting my roommate? Both male and female, please.

What are your policies regarding public defecation?

Your terms and conditions state that participants “must agree that Global Hobo may capture and use video recordings and photographs of them over the course of the internship and may use their name, image and written testimonial in all media, be it commercial, promotional or otherwise.” Does this mean that clothing is mandatory?

Do you require disclosure of an individual’s sex offender status?

I eagerly await your reply and look forward to joining your group of sexy children outside the reach of my country’s legal system.

Sincerely,

Rory Parker