Washington D.C.—

In a somber ceremony at the White House this morning, President Donald Trump awarded himself the Purple Heart military medal for the injuries he sustained during the Vietnam War.

The decision instantly earned sharp criticism across the media as the award is considered, somewhat unanimously, undeserved.

While entirely uninvolved with even indirect, remote fighting connections, Mr. Trump technically did suffer through his alleged bone spurs during some of the historical length of time in which the Vietnam War was being waged. Trump has never been affiliated with actual military service, though he did once compare his active sex life as his “own Vietnam” in relation to his (alleged) avoidance of contracting any sexually transmitted diseases.

Mr. Trump graciously accepted the award from himself with an impromptu acceptance speech that many political pundits felt was disrespectful and revealed a stunning ignorance about the war:

“The Vietnam War was a very, very sad war, in so many ways. But it was a very good war, too. American soldiers were very brave, and the Vietnamese were very tough. Too tough, actually. My own, personal service during the war may have been very small—I, of course, was in a military high school, and, you know, a lot of people don’t know this, but it’s very tough to get into those, and so I did my service to the country, but you know I got bone spurs in my foot, and so I really wanted to serve in the war—and I tried to, but the military wouldn’t let me because the doctor looked at my foot and he told me, he said: “those are really bad bone spurs, those are the worst bone spurs anyone’s ever seen,” and so he showed the other doctors my bone spurs and they all said it looked so painful, and I hear that doctors are still talking about my bone spurs—doctors tell me all the time. So I couldn’t fight in the war, which was really bad for the military because I’m so good at the military. The generals—let me tell you—they tell me all the time how good I am, and ISIS is way down thanks to me. The fake media will tell you that Obama killed most of ISIS and that Obama obliterated ISIS’s big warehouse of money and crippled their funding, but they’ll tell you anything. They’re so unkind and unfair. Stay tuned—I’m going to have the best fake news awards you’ve ever seen. You’re going to love it. But anyway, Vietnam was a very powerful time in our country’s history, and a lot of people don’t know this, but for the longest time Vietnam was our longest war in history. Not anymore, I believe that record has been broken since, but it was a long, long war. I’m just glad I was able to do my part and help America, and so I humbly, and proudly accept this Purple Heart award for the injuries I received during the war. Thank you, and God bless the United Sh-tates of America.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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