Hillary Clinton is a power-hungry succubus who will say and do anything to become America's first female president

In many ways, Hillary Rodham Clinton is an ordinary American woman with an ordinary American family. She's a loyal wife (to a sex-maniac ex-president), a caring mother (to a daughter who married a hedge fund), and a connoisseur of expensive, shiny objects (given to her by medieval dictators). Simply put, Hillary Clinton is as American as apple pie-induced diabetes, and this is why responsible Democrats will vote for her in the upcoming "Banker's Choice Awards" in November, 2016.

But a Russia Insider investigation has revealed that Hillary Clinton might not be as ordinary as some might believe. After an exhaustive two-minute inspection of her Twitter feed, your faithful Moscow correspondent can confirm that Hillary Clinton is an honest-to-Allah sociopath.

Libyan ladies love her!

Aside from her expertise in e-mail deleting (which is a pseudo-scandal to cover for an actual but never discussed scandal, "we destroyed Libya for no good reason whatsoever"), Hillary has a black belt in Identity Politics, the most unscrupulous of the martial arts.

Last week she actually pulverized a concrete block with one of her "I'm an empowered flapper lady look at me" Tweets:

Xi hosting a meeting on women's rights at the UN while persecuting feminists? Shameless. #Freethe20 http://t.co/hRkaaAnMMp -H — Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 27, 2015

Yes, Hillary Clinton is a brave crusader for all women — especially for women living in countries that Hillary Clinton desperately wants to bomb. Back in 2011, Hillary Clinton said she was "deeply concerned" that Muammar Gaddafi's troops were participating in widescale rape in Libya. (She was parroting a rumor started by Al-Jazeera which claimed that Gaddafi was handing out free Viagra to his soldiers, so that they could rape 24/7.)

After Libya was flattened (in order to prevent all that Viagra rape), Amnesty International reported that it could not document a single case of rape committed by government forces:

Not only have we not met any victims, but we have not even met any persons who have met victims. As for the boxes of Viagra that Gaddafi is supposed to have had distributed, they were found intact near tanks that were completely burnt out.

Cherif Bassiouni, who lead a UN inquiry into the Libyan civil war, said that the rape allegations were part of a "massive hysteria" which fueled the conflict. In layman's terms: Hillary Clinton truly has no equal in the realm of warmongering. She can even run circles around William Randolph Hearst, who only managed to invent PG-13 stories about Spanish soldiers fondling young Cuban damsels as part of his campaign to whip up support for the Spanish-American War. If Hearst had reported that the Spaniards were having Viagra parties, we could have gone all the way to Madrid.

Look, friends: "We have to save the ladies" has always been used as a sad excuse to justify dumb, pointless wars. Remember the Trojan War? Do you actually think the Achaeans cared at all about some random "Helen" lady? Hell no. They wanted all that sweet, sweet Trojan oil. We might expect this kind of cynical posturing from Greek warriors, or just rich white guys in general, but from a self-declared "feminist"? Hillary Clinton is a monster.

The icing on the cake is that Clinton has now called for a no-fly zone over Syria in order to "stop the carnage." This is two-dimensional doublespeak for "I'm a sociopath." In terms of awfulness, Hillary ranks somewhere between the torture-loving CIA lady from Zero Dark Thirty, and Madeleine "it was totally worth it" Albright:

[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM0uvgHKZe8]

Hillary Clinton will literally say and do anything to secure the presidential throne, which she will probably bedazzle with Saudi blood diamonds.

For humanity's sake, we would normally recommend launching someone such as Hillary Clinton directly into outer space forever, but that would be unkind to the space debris orbiting our troubled planet.