WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins who can’t enunciate while answering a simple question because their enlarged tongues are too big for their mouths,” said Bethany Parrish, who, along with two other Northwestern alumnae, spent the reception awkwardly conversing with the gaunt, severely deformed descendants of the House of Habsburg discussing royal lineage, genetic disorders, and vacationing in Bohemia. “I get that we’re not the most important people at this wedding, but come on! The cross-eyed one—Rudolph XVI, I think—keeps putting his hand on that bald woman’s thigh, and they definitely mentioned they were siblings.” At press time, Parrish’s attempt to break the tension by inviting the cousins to the dance floor had failed after several collapsed from iron deficiency midway through “Uptown Funk.”

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