Unsurprisingly, an endangered condor pair who seem unable to stop banging each other for one freaking minute are incubating an egg in Zion National Park.

“We’re very excited about the condor egg,” said a spokesperson from the Peregrine Society, “although we’re rather shocked about the depths of depravity to which these rare and magnificent birds have descended in order to produce it.”

Tourists are increasingly uncomfortable with the empty vodka and lubricant bottles, cigarette butts, hardcore vulture pornography magazines, shredded condoms, and incessant copulative shrieks that permeate Zion Canyon.

“My kids are old enough to learn about the birds and the bees,” said Fink Pratt of Ogden. “But not like this. The birds and the bees aren’t usually sixty-nining.”

“That just isn’t something Sally will ever be able to unsee,” he added.

Local businesses are suffering from the atmosphere being created by the nonstop no-holds-barred condor sexcapades.

“I can’t get anyone to sit outside anymore,” said a local restaurateur who preferred to remain anonymous. “I don’t blame them. I can at least drown out the constant moaning and squawking with music, but Zion National Park and everything nearby straight up reeks of inside-out condor vagina. It smells like we live next door to a brothel with no air conditioning during peak hours. My wife is afraid she’ll get pregnant just being downwind from it.”

Nonetheless, national conservation groups are excited about the 24-7 condorgy and the implications it has for zoological research.

“We have found what appears to be a strap-on dildo fashioned out of feathers, mud, shoelaces, and a discarded flashlight,” said a representative from the World Wildlife Foundation. “It stinks of sex and is caked in some sort of crusty discharge. The fact that condors are capable of this level of technology is astounding — it goes far beyond basic nest-building or even simple primate sex toys.”

“This is clearly not about procreation,” he added. “For example, we’re seeing advanced positions from the Kama Sutra. And this is the first documented incident of avian sodomy. These birds are making dolphins look like Mother Effing Teresa.”

At press time, the National Irony Society had announced its decision to name the town of Virgin the “Best Place To Get Laid If You’re A Scavenger in 2016.” A local spokesperson could not be reached for comment.

Editor’s note: This piece is almost certainly satire.

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