PHILADELPHIA—Following the conclusion of the Democratic and Republican National Conventions held in their respective cities over the past two weeks, residents of Philadelphia and Cleveland reportedly voiced their deep sense of relief Friday that at least they wouldn’t have to host another one of these fucking things for several decades. “God, that was painful, but if there’s any silver lining, it’s that I think we’re safe from having to put up with this shit again for at least 10 or 20 years, maybe 30 if we’re lucky,” said Philadelphia resident Joanna Meyers, expressing a measure of solace that was said to be shared by millions of other inhabitants in both cities upon watching their downtowns clear of red-white-and-blue–clad delegates, politicians, party officials, and members of the media. “The signs, the chants, the sense of self-importance—I’m done with all of it. It really was a struggle to make it through all that bullshit, but it’s nice to know that it will be a good long while before I’m forced to look at a full-grown man dressed as Robin Hood screaming about income inequality again.” The feeling of comfort was said to be wiped away almost immediately, however, when residents of Philadelphia and Cleveland reportedly came to the realization that both their cities are located in swing states and that they’ll have to put up with the candidates, campaign signs, and a nonstop barrage of advertising messages for three more fucking months.

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