Screenshot: YouTube

Noah Maloney, the Toronto man whose intestines are now riddled with paper cuts, is still eating a photo of Jason Segel every day until Jason Segel eats a picture of him. He’s been at it for more than 50 days now, and has become increasingly creative in his variations on the theme. As we previously reported, he’s eaten the photo in front of a wall of dildos, blended it into a smoothie, and even amassed a choir of Segels. Segel never responded.


Since then, he has began pairing the photo with real foods, like a pickle and a slice of pizza.

Oh, and he almost died.

“I dunked a whole photo into a beer and tried to do it in one big ball/swallow and it lodged in my throat,” he told The Daily Dot in a recent interview. “I tried to get it down with more beer but it was stuck and there was 15 seconds where I came to terms with the fact that that was how I would go… Jason Segel would have killed me. But then I threw up the ball of paper and beer onto my friend and ate it after so it’s all good.”

You’d think a near-death experience might deter him from his journey. He even sounds a little fatigued. “It takes up a lot of our lives now,” he said in the interview. “Even though it’s such a simple task, it seems like such a drag and big deal out of my day every day. It’s not hard to keep going, it’s just boring.”


Yesterday, it looked as if he’d finally been broken. In the video, he holds up a series of signs that lament Segel’s silence. “It has been too long,” he says through a series of handwritten signs. “There is no hope that Segel will do it.”

Soon, however, he reveals he’s just kidding and promptly gobbles a photo of Jason Segel, which he wedged among the signs.


“I will not stop,” the penultimate sign reads. And the final sign?

“Hi, Jason.”

This is not going to end well.