These last three years have been, overall, the best of my life. I bought a home, I have a great job, I’ve dated some beautiful women, and I’m three years cunnilingus free. That’s right, my tongue is free from the tyranny of the labia labyrinth, and I could not be happier.

Like many guys, I spent several years fighting in the trenches, dodging mortars and barbed wire on the muddy terrain of the vaginal Verdun, but the misery of it all brought me to the point where I had to stop. It was not enjoyable. It felt like work, and my partner would complain about my lack of enthusiasm–as if I would act like polishing her dusty furniture was enjoyable. I’ve only dated one girl who acted like eating her out was a necessity, but she was fucking nuts, so I assume she is in the minority.

I didn’t realize it had become such a big deal until several 20-something girls brought up the topic in conversation. When I mentioned my hatred of digging for clams, they looked at me as if I had said the world was flat and only 6,000 years old. I’m not an idiot. Has a lack of enjoyment while munching on tuna tacos actually become a widespread deal breaker among what our elders call an “entitled generation?” It just can’t be.

This is ridiculous. No man should have society dictate to him that he is required to shuck oysters in order to be sexually competent. Is getting the job done the old-fashioned way no longer a viable option? I was lucky enough to date a girl for a full year who preferred her orgasms come the old-fashioned way (pun intended) rather than from oral. I still made sure she finished, ’cause I’m a nice guy. Is that such a foreign concept nowadays? Am I even allowed to not like licking the spicy mayo off a California roll anymore? The radical, feminist agenda wants to force me to enjoy tongue punching their saddlebags, and no man should be pressured to subject himself to something that he doesn’t find enjoyable.

The first reason men should not be expected to clean out a woman’s fish bowl is the fact that it is, in fact, a submissive activity. She’s lying back, nearly breaking your neck with her legs, while you swirl your tongue in circles until it feels like it’s going to fall off. There is literally no way to feel manly while servicing her transmission. You quickly start to pray for her to orgasm soon so you can save some dignity. I do enough work wearing the pants, anyway. I get a nice, upper body workout swiping my fucking credit card and carrying shit that’s too heavy for her. Don’t forget carrying her when her heels hurt her feet, fixing her car, fighting her battles–and in the bedroom, who’s the one thrusting? That’s right, it’s me. For all the work I put into wearing the pants, I shouldn’t be expected to clean out her gutter as some sort of job prerequisite. I should do it if I feel like it, not because it’s mandatory.

Also, if women expect guys to go down on them, why do so many of them have subpar hygiene in their netherworld? No guy finds pleasure in eating two day old hairy sushi. That thing needs to be waxed or shaved, and it should be cleaner than a Mormon’s criminal background check.

Guys, have you ever tried to go down on a stinky box? It’s like diving head first into a garbage truck. Making it an even less pleasant experience is not going to encourage a guy to suck it up and eat the sauerkraut off your reuben.

Ultimately, muff munching is generally not a gratifying experience for a man. It only worsens the issue when we are told that we must do it and enjoy it, too. If you want a guy to do it, you’re going to have to make it pleasurable for him and well worth his while.

Oral is a much different experience for guys than it is for girls. You cannot compare them side by side and say, “What would you say if you met a girl who didn’t give head?” Sure, if I’m in a long term relationship and my girl likes it, I’ll lick the cookie butter off her spoon every now and again in the heat of the moment IF I FEEL LIKE IT. However, it should not be an expectation or benchmark for judging a guy’s prowess. That’s just idiotic and disastrous.