ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Nightwatchman of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been promoted up the batting order overnight to opener after his unexpected and undefeated double-hundred yesterday.

In addition to that honour, the Nightwatchman has signed on to be an official brand ambassador for OLED television, which is the custom.

Speaking to the media this morning in Sydney’s southern coastal fringe, Morrison said he’s looking forward to the added responsibility of opening the batting.

However, before addressing the new position he has an elected prime minister, Morrison said he was now contractually obligated to start each press conference with a message from his sponsors.

“How good are OLED televisions?” he asked nobody in particular.

“I’m generally away during the winter so have the summer to hang out watching carddoons [sic] with the kids,”

“The quality is always fantastic when you’re watching through the OLED TV. The things that stood out for me where the blacks and those colours reall stand out when you’re watching through the OLED TV.”

A few reporters exchanged a strange look with one another before Morrison continued.

“I love the OLED, it’s one of the things I look forward to when I come home, to be able to sit at home on the couch and watch my OLED TV. That’s all for now, how fucking good is Australia? You cunts! I asked you how good?!”

Some reporters opted to leave at that point, some just sighed and added their own short answers.

“It’s OK, I guess. Pretty fucked up at the moment,” said one reporter.

Satisfied, Morrison left without saying goodbye to anybody.

More to come.

