Last year, the best-selling magazine in America was Sandra Bullock's "Meet My Baby" issue of People. Second-best? Woman's World's "Dr. Oz's Metabolism Makeover!" issue, which features an image of Dr. Oz on its cover—right next to a picture of a pie (top left).

Apparently this a winning formula: Look how many times Dr. Oz has promised gastric bypass-level weight loss, next to cupcakes!

In this age of failing magazines, Woman's World has a formula that works: The lead story is always about weight loss, right next to pictures of cupcakes and cheese. Make them feel bad about their weight, then entice them into eating more! It's a tale as old as time gender-targeted marketing, and it has never been more shameless. Come, let us titter at Woman's World's many variations on this theme.

Melt your belly fat! But first, try these cupcakes, and a cake made out of Yodels and pudding. Did I mention the pie has a crust made out of cookies?



Lose 150 lbs.! As soon as you finish inhaling rainbow cupcakes and a brownie topped with marshmallows, M&Ms, and whatever else you scrape off the bottom of your kid's trick-or-treat bucket.



Lose 155 lbs.! Right after you gorge on cheesecakes baked in "four irresistible ways" alone in your kitchen in the dead of the night.



Lose a size this week! Just don't eat this cheesecake on a stick, or layer cake I made out of macaroni and cheese and chili.



Melt off 40 lbs! Then gain it back with gooey super s'mores.



Eliminate belly bulge! As long as you consume so many of these neon martinis and whipped cream-topped juice that you barf up all the calories.



You, too, can lose 95 lbs.! If you can resist this "best-ever cheesecake," or cake that looks like a baseball hat.



Lose 20 lbs.! But first, eat this cupcake covered in candy, and this other cupcake with a smiley face on it, because saturated fats are your only happiness now. If your diet fails, you can always eat your feelings, then start a new diet next week. Eternal optimism, snickerdoodles, and a yo-yo diet: It's the American way.