FBI Director James Comey said on Tuesday that Hillary Clinton was “extremely careless” with classified information being sent over her private email server, but he said no charges should be filed.

So we’re just going to release a bunch of classified information right here, because really, who even gives a shit anymore?

Here goes.

Your favorite interpreter lost his visa paperwork because Stephanie at the State Department is a pill head.

DoD urinalysis tests are no longer calibrated to detect cocaine. Go nuts.

Jet fuel does melt steel beams, but they also used missiles. Just to be sure.

The SHARP program started out as a joke, but kind of got away from everybody. Just like that hooker that was in the trunk.

Mohammad Ali killed JFK.

The launch code to most of our nukes is 123456. Yes, we know. It’s the same combination as your luggage.

Actually, no. The Romanian Mafia killed JFK. Gypsies.

Your drill sergeant really did skull fuck your mom. It was during family day.

General Schwarzkopf and the Iron Sheik? Same person.

The SECDEF’s MySpace password is SexyGandalf.

Osama Bin Laden was killed by a negligent discharge at a CIA safe house and is buried in upstate New York.

Donald Trump has had $2.1m in plastic surgery and is ethnically Mexican.

Bill Buckner was a CIA plant and the ’86 World Series was a government fix.

The Duffel Blog is a DoD front designed to distract you from how little you’re paid.

“Uncommon Valor” and “Iron Eagle” were both documentaries but the DoD pulled script approval at the last minute so they were released as fictional.

550 cord is only rated to 535 pounds.

The Lunar landing was staged in the dry, cratered wasteland of your mom’s disgusting vagina.

JFK may have been shot accidentally by the chief of the Portland Police Bureau.

PTSD was made up to bolster the Big Veteran lobby.

Benedict Arnold sold out the Colonials for a Klondike Bar.

Thor III man-packs don’t do anything.

SEALs spend 22 weeks after BUD/S learning how to read. Then they can write memoirs and recruit more bros from SoCal.

Princess Diana was assassinated because she was selling secrets to the Chinese. Beauty secrets.

Bush did 9/11. And your mom.

If you’re GS-15 or higher, laws literally do not apply to you.

The highest-security level SCIF in the Pentagon basement houses a version of Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida that was discovered to contain a highly potent Killing Word which was responsible for the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami.

After the aliens crashed in Roswell, the government quickly and quietly put them all on planes headed to Saudi Arabia.

Fat is bad for you. No wait, it’s good. Bad. Actually sorry, it’s good for you again.

Shit… no. LBJ killed JFK after a game of monopoly went all to shit.

Gen. Mattis has Chesty Puller’s preserved brain, with which he shares a psionic bond.

If you think we’re going to spill the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices, you’re out of your god damned mind.

The stingray that killed Steve Irwin was a CIA assassin.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) has a 49% stake in Magpul and would like to thank you for stockpiling all those PMAGs.

COIN doesn’t work.

The US didn’t buy the Virgin Islands from Denmark. And they weren’t actually virgins.

The VA figured out in 2002 that suicides are cheaper than pensions.

Sgt. Maj. of the Army Dan Dailey has a tramp stamp.

The Bush twins were the deadliest sniper-spotter duo in CAG history.

Palantir is being suppressed in the bidding process for US Army data intelligence technology because a bunch of former intel generals and colonels are on the board of the contractor that programs and maintains DCGS.

President Obama authorized GI benefits for Gitmo detainees.

Your girlfriend is fucking Steve from work.