I was a religious bigot; a racist, my bible taught me it was a curse from god. The holy word beating a drum of misogyny and slavery and violence. My bible taught me to look down at those who are different. I was taught by my religious teachers to stay away from those who choose a different faith or didn’t believe in our god. My parents would ask me if my friends were of the same faith. I was taught to judge at a very young age.

I was taught to pay my tithing so I would not burn when Jesus returns triumphantly. I believed this and was filled with dread and fear. I was taught to hate myself for being human and to be perfect like Jesus. I didn’t know what it was to be perfect, but I tried anyway. I was taught how special I was being part of the one true religion. All other religions had some truth but not all truth like my religion. And I believed it because it made me feel special.

My mother and sisters were second to my brothers and father. We held a special authority from god: woman were forbidden to hold. A womans gift was bearing children, and I believed it. I was taught to judge myself based on obedience to a set of commandments. I was taught to judge others by what they believed and how they lived their lives. I was taught that sexuality was only ordained of god if it was with a man and a woman.

Homosexuality or sex with the same gender was evil and should be punished by god, and I believed it. I was taught by white people and learned through illustrations that Jesus and God were white and had blue eyes like me. The illustrated pictures of Jesus felt right because he looked like me. All the illustrations of angels were of blue eyed blonde depictions blowing trumpets and singing praise to god. I don’t remember seeing black angels…

I never stopped to think… because all my family and friends believed the same as me and they looked like me. We shared the same beliefs and it felt good. We were all a community with shared bigoted, racist, misogynistic views we could not see. Our bibles made it so, and we believed it, why wouldn’t we? I would later share this bigoted message with many people as a young 19 year old. I believed it could help them. I was young but I had been taught how we had all the answers. And I believed this too!!!

I went through the House of the Lord at the age of 18: a Temple. My parents were with me and some of my siblings. It was a very exciting day, because they were so proud of me. My mother smiled at me and I saw her wiping away her tears of joy. I wore long white robes, along with a green apron, and a strange hat. I made promises to god with my hands in the air. I learned different handshakes and placed my hands into cupping motions, and pantomimed my own death. Words were regurgitated in an exact manner. I was asked to lay my life down for my religion if they asked me to. I was asked to promise to give all that I have, all my talents to my religion. My parents smiling proudly wearing the same robes reduced my anxiety.

I left the temple with my new underwear, the same underwear I had seen my parents wearing my entire life. I was confused and wanted to ask some questions but was discouraged to do so. Strangely I felt some pride to finally experience something I had been taught was sacred. The confusion and angst over making promises I had not been told about beforehand left me silent.

I was told to arm myself with the strength of the Lord against the World. I was told the World was cruel and unjust and how the people were lost. I was warned over and over not to read certain literature, and stay away from anything not published by my religion. History was of ill-concern, especially my own religious history. I was curious but remained afraid and alone in my questions… My family were proud of me for doing what they were doing and believing what they believe.

I would eventually read many books I had been taught to stay away from. It was hard in the beginning but I would eventually break down enough of those warnings to continue my quest. My search and love of history and literature would end many family relationships. Childhood friendships would evaporate. I would no longer be trusted as an honorable person. Over a decade would pass in my literary search and I would find myself alone.

My fear of the World and all the lost souls would unravel, it took time, many years, but my eyes would slowly open. My fear of other people would change. My fear of the LGBTQ community and different colored skin would also change. I started to see how damaging my religion of birth was to me and others. I saw how it hurt other people and the World at large became more beautiful rather than ugly.

My religion and bible caused distress, hurt and fear and alienated good people. I saw how the judgment of others and of myself caused deep hurt in the World. I saw how my religion taught hatred over love. I could see through the eyes of everyone, religion, country, political parties, race, class, ideologies, kept us apart, kept us fighting. I could see my religion playing its role in keeping us from being united. It was the great disease and it had tried to sell me the cure.

I could see there was no need for a cure when the disease no longer exists…

I was a Mormon: not by choice but by birth and literature saved me from staying tribal and separate from so many beautiful people and cultures. My religion almost stole this World from me… And now I cannot stay silent…