WALTHAM, MA— Providing new insights into the aesthetic implications of general inactivity among adults, a study published Monday at Brandeis University revealed that increasingly sedentary lifestyles, when combined with a decline in recreational exercise and a national diet trending ever higher in fats and starches, put millions of Americans at risk of becoming “beautiful just the way they are.” “Analysis of subjects across several demographics leads us to conclude that prolonged physical inactivity exacerbated by a high-calorie diet has already led to a significant segment of the U.S. population being, you know, ‘absolutely perfect in their own special way,’” said lead researcher Shyeta Wilson, noting that extended periods of sitting, lounging, or reclining with favorite snacks are leading indicators of contracting heart disease, diabetes, and being “a totally worthwhile person who doesn’t have to change a single thing.” “Cultural shifts away from labor-intensive lifestyles, coupled with advancements in technology, have contributed to a less physical way of life, so we will continue to see more people on the fast-track to ‘accepting themselves as the special, unique hotties they are.’ For most adults, if they haven’t adopted a routine with minimal movement already, it may be too late to reverse the effects of becoming ‘a person who, deep down, is actually gorgeous and truly deserving of love.’” Wilson stressed the importance of instilling these habits at a young age so kids can become aware that they are “utterly flawless,” making their teen years “an absolute dream.”

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