This isn’t what you want to hear, says Annalisa Barbieri, but to give yourself a chance at a meaningful relationship, you need to do some work on yourself

I met my ex when I was 16. We fell madly in love, but she ended the relationship four years later; I’d lied to her about the drugs I was taking to numb myself from the pain of my mother leaving me when I was 17.

Fast forward four years, to last year: I’m in a new relationship after a couple of failed ones. This new lady is amazing and fulfils my needs. But then I met my ex at the end of last year and realised that I still had feelings for her. We didn’t see each other for some time, but eventually met again this summer. It was a magical night.

My current partner picked up on this. She said I should go and deal with it, so we took a three-week break. I organised to see my ex and profess my undying love for her. She reciprocated, saying she has never felt the same connection with anyone – not even for her current partner, who she’s been with for six years. We ended up making love.

I know where I stand and what I want. She has the same feelings for me, yet is scared of losing me or her partner. I’m in limbo and don’t know what to do.

It would be easy for me to say, “Go to your first love and see how it plays out.” But I don’t think it’s the right thing to do – probably neither of these women is right for you, and you will continue to vacillate – if not between these two, then eventually between two other women. This is because you hit the nail on the head when you talked about your mother and the wound her leaving caused. Did you see her again? Where is she now? I think it’s probable that relationships (and drugs) have helped you gloss over this pain, and now the strands of your mother and your first love are inextricably interwoven. Time to undo them.

I talked through your problem with psychotherapist Hazel Hyslop (psychotherapy.org.uk). She wondered if the relationship with your ex is based on fantasy. “It seems like a drug – it brings a good feeling, a buzz. But there’s also a sense of you trying to fill the gap your mother left. Have you ever been alone, in a relationship with yourself?”

It doesn’t sound like you have, from your letter, but rather that you’ve gone from one relationship to another. Do you fear being alone?

Hyslop went on to explain that any addiction is about escape, a way for someone to numb painful emotions but also to detach from reality, because somewhere along the line they have learned that reality hurts. “You learn that it’s not safe to be authentic, so you start detaching and creating a fantasy life.” Which is just what you’ve done.

When we close down certain real-life emotions we can seek to recreate them with drugs, food, or love. In this way, we think we are getting the feeling without any of the hurt. But in truth, it’s not real and we get into a destructive cycle of always chasing the highs and fearing the lows. I think this is what you are doing with your relationships.

Hyslop also pointed out that you are outsourcing responsibility for your happiness, “You are looking for external validation. It’s not up to your girlfriends to meet your needs. You need to look after each other, but in terms of meeting needs, you have to do that for yourself.” She also felt there was some co-dependency in your relationship with your first girlfriend and suggested you look at coda-uk.com.

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I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But to give yourself a chance at a meaningful, realistic relationship with depth and intimacy, one that’s going to last, you need to do some work on yourself and – cliche alert – you need to learn to love yourself. If your mother – the first woman who should love you – left you, that must have caused a deep scar. I’m really sorry this happened to you. But you sound “interested in your self-development”, as Hyslop said, and that bodes well for you.

If my maths is correct, you are in your mid-20s – a ripe time for growth and introspection – and a time when a lot of things come together. It’s an exciting period. Try to get therapy, try to heal that 17-year-old boy. Learn to be with yourself and invest in things that make you feel good: other friends, work, exercise. Press pause on romantic relationships for a little while.

• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

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