Wedding season has arrived. For some, this will mean beginning a life with the person they love. For others it will be a time to celebrate the love their friends have found. But for me, and many others who inadvertently sacrificed one of life’s treasures for a law degree, this is a time of somber reflection. Sure, we look just as happy as everyone else during the electric slide, but behind that marinara stain on my shirt is a heart that’s breaking. I’ve finally come to the realization that 3 years of law school and $150,000.00 of student loan debt have made me unlovable. But I have a plan

I can’t help but think that weddings are the world’s cruel reminder of what law school made me. I worry about what people might think about my lack of a plus one or whether they will buy my rehearsed explanation of “how things have been going” that makes my life sound so much more exciting than it truly is.

But the thing that really worries me the most isn’t the awkward conversations, or even the fact that I might die alone. It’s that I may go my entire life without someone buying me a Kitchen Aid K45SS Classic 250-Watt 4-1/2-Quart Stand Mixer (Color TBD).

If it weren’t for the three years that I spent in law school, I could be the one standing up there having some woman smash cake in my face, all the while thinking about the outrageous number of presents I will be opening the next day.

But this year, I’ve come up with a solution. I am going to have my “wedding day” after all. I just won’t be getting married. I plan to invite all of my loved ones to a special ceremony at which I will declare to the world my intention to be single forever. Sure my first dance will be a bit awkward, and people might be a bit confused as to why I am lighting a unity candle by myself. But really, don’t most people show up to weddings for the free drinks and buffet?

Once I get my parents on board with flipping for my non-wedding ceremony, I’ll be sure the reception will make any other wedding reception look like a ten-year-old kid’s birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. Shit will get weird. But, most importantly, I will get the gifts married folks have been taking advantage of for years.

And what if I end up getting married after all? Well, most marriages end in divorce and people don’t get their gifts back… So don’t judge me for double dipping.