Transcript:

OLBERMANN: A secret rendezvous, including steamy e-mails, an illicit affair with a married co-worker, a vendetta waged against opposing factions, the crisis of the teenage daughter getting pregnant, engaged and disengaged, and the introduction of an important new character, who turned out to have the intellectual depth of Kenneth the Page.

Of course, I could be outlining the plot of any episode of the "Real Housewives of Orange County" or of Atlanta or of New York or especially of New Jersey. But in our number one story, unfortunately for the GOP, I`m talking about the recent history of its presidential hopefuls for 2012.

That list of course in order was Sanford, Ensign, Palin, Palin again and Jindal. Not even mentioning Newt Gingrich and the likelihood that his vote among Hispanics might be limited to three or four, not percent, three or four guys.

But even as the details involving the wild bull of a pompous, and his Maria, Maria, I`ve just met a girl named Maria, continue to unfold, there is a silver lining. What is bad news for this quartet of GOP front runners is good news for Willard.

Now we give you the next reality show on our sister network, Bravo, the Real Republican Candidates of 2012.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

OLBERMANN: Previously on the Real Republican Candidates --

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: An odd story out of South Carolina. The unknown whereabouts of that state`s governor.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: His loved ones don`t know where he`s at.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The only sign of South Carolina`s governor was a cell phone picked up in Atlanta.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail.

OLBERMANN: It was also National Hike Naked Day.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We`re learning the governor wasn`t even in the country.

SANFORD: I`ve been unfaithful to my wife.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What does this do to his presidential ambitions in 2012?

SANFORD: It`s going to hurt. I`ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: These really graphic e-mails now exposed.

OLBERMANN: The erotic beauty of beholding yourself or two magnificent parts of yourself.

LIMBAUGH: Sanford could have been our JFK.

GOV. BOBBY JINDAL (R), ILLINOIS: Americans can --

OLBERMANN: Governor Jindal is set to deliver the Republican response.

JINDAL: As a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad. Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in D.C.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He and his prayer group performed an actual exorcism on a girl.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Every form of witchcraft.

GOV. SARAH PALIN (R), ALASKA: You don`t talk about my family.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We are thick as thieves and protect each other to the end.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is stepping up her fight.

PALIN: I don`t find it humorous.

DAVID LETTERMAN, "THE LATE SHOW": Well, they`re just jokes.

OLBERMANN: Last night, Letterman issuing his second apology.

PALIN: You know, you need a little levity in this job.

SEN. JOHN ENSIGN (R), NEVADA: If there was ever anything that I could take back in my life this would be it.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Obviously, there has to be something else.

CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC ANCHOR: Republican John Ensign of Nevada is admitting --

OLBERMANN: What happens in Vegas gets disclosed at a late afternoon news conference.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Pay attention, please.

ENSIGN: Last year, I had an affair. I violated the vows of my marriage. I`m truly sorry.

(INAUDIBLE)

(END VIDEOTAPE)

OLBERMANN: And the only questions that remain are which one of them turns over the table at the restaurant, which one of them once took a hostage, and which one of them will have to go to court to suppress a sex tape?