Gentlemen, Lizardmen,

I write this encrypted email to you from my 17th century palace hidden underneath an active volcano with a heavy heart.

The Illuminati can no longer ignore its glaring lack of diversity.

Don’t get me wrong, when I look at our board of old, white, wrinkled men and ageless, green, reptile men (at least, pretty sure they’re male) I see nothing wrong.

We’ve run economies, guided militaries and decided fashion trends since the dawn of human history just fine. Without question, we’ve always been a total meritocracy.

But it’s starting to get a little eerie that for thousands of years all of our members have been able-bodied men from Bavarian royal houses. Are we even checking resumes from anywhere else?

Whether you’re a Fortune 500, or a shadowy organization pulling the strings of the hidden global government, that’s just a bad look in 2018.

I for one don’t want to wait until a Youtuber definitively proves our existence (they’re getting close) before spearheading some change. I mean for goodness sake, do we want to be the “Old World Order” or the “New World Order” here?

So first off, the orgies. Those are just really bad optics, even if they are pansexual. Look, if it was only the Opus Dei or Knights Templar complaining, I wouldn’t care. Those guys are a bunch of prudes. But there’s simply no place for orgies in a modern workplace.

I know we all feel completely anonymous under those little rabbit masks that cover like a third of our faces. But as a matter of policy HR has all our birth marks on file. Which, as I write this, also sounds like an HR violation.

Regardless, all company sponsored orgies are henceforth discontinued. We’ll still have our annual winter holiday party inside Mount Rushmore, but we’re switching to a cash bar until we’re confident you can all commit to the “no-orgy” thing.

Second off, does our decor have to always be so euro-centric? Hello? We’re a GLOBAL. Yes. GLOBAL conspiracy. We control WORLD events. Our goddamn logo is a freaky looking, Egyptian pyramid. Can we act like it? If we meet to lay out the next World War in a drafty, Gothic castle one more time, I’m throwing my Masonic protractor through the wall. Also, starting every meeting with ancient druidic chants is a total bore. There’s a reason even we couldn’t place that music at the top of the charts.

Third off, on a positive note, the shapeless, hooded robes we wear when conducting official business are actually a great gender-neutral touch. They’re both inclusive and professional. They look good, they feel good, everyone loves them. How do you guys feel about a similar design for this year’s team building hoodies at the 2019 Illuminati retreat?

Fourth off, if we want to be around for the next thousand years we’re going to need to start initiating a more diverse pool of members with our blood ritual. I don’t want to hear any whining, moaning, or lizard hissing on this.

The reason we keep turning to the same stale-old ideas is because we keep hiring the same stale-old perspectives. Like seriously, another war in the Middle East? Even more mind controlling chemtrails? Bringing back Crystal Pepsi again?

Ugh.

Besides, we all look the same with a ram’s skull over our heads. If you really think white males are uniquely qualified to stab a goat with an obsidian dagger, drink it’s blood and smear it’s entrails across their chest while we all chant in Latin, you’re delusional. Literally anyone can do that.

Also, why do we still do that?

Let’s stop doing that.

Sincerely,

Tom Hanks.