by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

A groundbreaking new study has revealed that contrary to the research previously put forth by celebrities such as Jenny McCarthy, vaccines are in fact turning our children (and our partners’ children) into left-handed, green-eyed sociopaths.

Furthermore, mermaids, cyclopes, and giants are significantly more common than persyns of non-binary, which has social justice activists such as J.K. Rowling demanding greater parliamentary representation for fantastical creatures.

In an open letter to the House of Commons, Mx. Rowling wrote:

“One persyn in 80,000 is a mermaid. There are currently 650 of you representing an average of 92,000 constituents apiece, which works out to approximately 1.15 mermaids for every 90,850 non-mermaids.

“If my arithmetic is correct, equality demands that the mermaid vote be given 79,000 times the weight of the non-mermaid vote. Anything less would be massively racist.”

READ: J.K. Rowling reveals that Ron Weasley was transgender the whole time

NPC Daily applauds Mx. Rowling for her advocacy. Rumors of her bigotry are clearly unfounded, and the seemingly transphobic tweet that landed her in so much trouble should be interpreted as a means of spreading awareness about far more pressing issues of oppression.

(For the full study, click here)