Latest Rumored Democratic Candidate Can Absorb Carbon Dioxide Directly Into Her Body

Democrats have been worried that the current field of candidates may not have the strength to unseat Donald Trump from the presidency in the case that the impeachment proceedings do not succeed in his removal from office. The field is weak enough to make a second billionaire, Michael Bloomberg, think he has a chance amongst popular candidates proposing to take all his money away. But new hope for the Democratic party has risen in the form of a rumored candidate: Lily Greenfield.

Greenfield was born in Ohio to working-class parents and uses her law degree to provide free legal counsel to the learning-impaired while opening her home to orphans and the homeless during all religious and pagan holidays, but none of that is what will propel her to the presidency. Greenfield will gain the advantage in the presidential race based on her natural ability to breathe and absorb carbon dioxide and methane straight from the air, the fact that she consumes only food waste and discarded plastic, and her excretion of pre-formed bricks for use in low-cost housing.

When asked about her healthcare or gun control policies, Greenfield simply reiterated her innate restorative effect on the environment and her endorsement from Greta Thunberg. Thunberg has since denied that she endorses Greenfield, saying, “Sitting on the couch and breathing is not climate change policy, and nobody cares about her ass bricks.”

Even without Thunberg’s endorsement, Greenfield has a high likelihood of gaining the presidency based on the time-tested tradition of just saying a bunch of things that people want to hear, regardless of content, logic, grammatical correctness, or basic human understanding.