(For BPDs and Non-BPDs alike)



During arguments:

1.Validate! Avoid using the words “but”, “however” “although”, etc. when you are claiming to see the other person’s perspective. These words negate the validation in your sentence.



For instance, instead of: “I know you were mad I fell asleep, but I get tired too”,



Try: “I know that you get triggered when I fall asleep. Maybe because you don’t like thinking I’ve abandoned you by unexpectedly dozing off. I really didn’t mean to make you feel that way. When I doze off, I’m not thinking of anything. It’s just my body tiring out.”



Focus on empathizing before making your point. A validating phrase that isn’t clouded by defensive ‘buts’ could make or break your day.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions. Avoid using the term “made me feel”.

For example, instead of: “It made me feel upset when I saw you staring at the computer instead of listening to me”.



Try: “As I was talking, you didn’t even look up at me. I can feel myself getting upset because it seems like you don’t care about me”.



When describing the incident, state strictly facts and then own your emotions. A minor distinction, but being factual and owning your emotions can show your loved one you’re not blaming them for the trigger.

3. And finally, if you’re too ramped up to try either of these techniques, it’s always safer to ask for a time out. Leave the area to decompress: “I don’t want to argue so I’m going to step out to calm down for ten minutes”.



If this is triggering to the BPD, consider staying in the same area in silence for 5 minutes. If this is still triggering to the BPD, then the NON should respectfully set boundaries: “I don’t know how to mend what’s just happened if we aren’t both a little calmer. I really need this time so that I can think clearly during our conversation”.



And for the BPDs who don’t want to do this:

The next time you’re caught in this position, think back to this post and all the times you lashed out because you were splitting, all the times you didn’t want to let the argument go until your loved one (probably the only person in this world you truly trust) hurt more than you did. You don’t want to go through that again. SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND BREATHE, HOLD A CUBE OF ICE, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.



Your NON loves you and they are not leaving, but they can’t be there for you if they’re busy shielding themselves from your wrath. BREATHE.



-K

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