Afternoon all and welcome back to ‘The Last XI’, the series in which I give you an access-all-areas account as I stumble across the finish line of the 2016/17 Fantasy PL season.

The weekend is dead and buried and sharing the coffin with it is my remaining faith in humanity, the ‘fun’-sized gameweek provided just 4 games littered with the leagues most unpredictable players both good and bad, a fact that I realised all too late. The player to own this week was Bournemouth’s bargain bin answer to Alexis Sanchez, £5.4 mil Josh King who had a busier days work than the White House’s head of HR. The Norwegian missed a penalty early on but re-endeared himself with his owners by scoring a hattrick in a 3-2 win, which is the equivalent of breaking your mates pushbike and replacing it with a Lamborghini. As for the other results, well, I’ll reluctantly get into that as we have a look at my *sigh* o’ so well prepared team… I’m afraid that what was meant to be a routine weekly check-up may have turned into a gory autopsy, but luckily we’ve got forensics working on just what exactly went wrong.

Gameweek 28

Transfers: Aguero & Anichebe > Llorente & Carroll (-1 gross)

Points: 28 (32 -4)

Overall Rank: 99,393 ↓

Imagine spending months planning your dream holiday to the Seychelles, you’ve booked your favourite things to do, made sure you’ve accounted for every little detail and simply nothing can go wrong, only to find that you’ve arrived during the worst rain season the islands have seen in a century, your luggage has been mistakenly sent to Namibia and you find your wife in the apartment next door getting fucked doggy style by Josh King… well that is essentially how this weekend went for me.

In typical FPL manager fashion I praise myself as a genius during the good weeks and chalk the bad ones down to rotten luck, this school of thought is usually a cocktail of denial and stubbornness but this week I’m maintaining that someone out there has been creating voodoo doll versions of my entire team and snapping their ligaments at will.

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Brunt unexpectedly relegated to the bench, Llorente and Baines off at half time and Firmino out of the squad entirely, combine that with Andy Carroll’s disappearing act failing to validate the points hit and a god awful captaincy choice then you’ve got yourself a recipe for blood-boiling frustration. I’ve got nothing much to say about the weekend other than I got it wrong, as stated in last weeks post I’ve not been playing this game for nearly as long as a lot of the boffins on the various FPL sites and I’ve learned a very important lesson about blank gameweeks that many of the more experienced managers warned.

Whilst a BGW is a terrific opportunity to shoot up the rankings it is by no means a certainty, and as much as we all love to think that the game is 100% skill, an alarming amount of it comes down to sheer cosmic luck. Whilst obviously my score wouldn’t of been any higher this week if I had say, Walker instead of Brunt, my failings this week are particularly sore as almost every transfer I’ve made since the turn of the year has been made in favour to the non-blanking teams. I’ve avoided bringing in in-form players such as Harry Kane when normally they would have been in my team weeks ago, all under the reassurance that it’ll be worth it once I field a full XI for GW28, so dropping 20k over the weekend really stung, and despite remaining in the top 100k (barely) which is far from my lowest point of the season, I can comfortably say that this has been my most disappointing week of the year, very conveniently arriving just as I begin broadcasting my progress, go figure. But as Steven Gerrard once said, we go again (shortly before falling on his face during the most important moment of his career and losing the title).

Gameweek 29

The nuclear winter is over and normal civilisation can resume, the third weekend of March sees a full schedule of 10 matches. The inevitable double gameweek madness may be just around the corner now however if like me you still have your wildcard intact, you can breathe easy for the time being.

Gameweek 29 coincides with a league-wide deluge of injuries and suspensions to some of the games most popular assets, Zlatan Ibrahimovic serves his second of a three game ban whilst Harry Kane is spending his first of an indefinite amount of weeks on the treatment table after the Spurs strikers ankle decided to make a 720 degree flip without his leg getting the memo. The mouth breathing goal machine was originally a big transfer target of mine until the injury, and now my free-transfer must do it’s business elsewhere, so let’s have a look at the state of my team.

First thing’s first, the injuries. Ronald Koeman has confidently stated that despite needing to leave the field at half time, Leighton Baines will be fit for next game so he stays for the home tie against Hull. Similarly Fernando Llorente has apparently only sustained a dead leg, so he stays. Firmino concerns me and unlike the other two, his fixture isn’t good enough for me to even feel confident in him if he does play so he is most definitely one to consider chopping.

As I plan to use my Wildcard in Gameweek 30 when hopefully the full DGW schedule will be revealed, the GW 29 free transfer will be exclusively based on who I think is the most certain to get me points this weekend, so with that in mind, here are the teams I’m looking at signing from based on their form and fixtures.

Middlesbrough vs Man United

Stoke vs Chelsea

Tottenham vs Southampton

vs Southampton West Brom vs Arsenal

Man United (Middlesbrough away)

Sunday afternoon sees an offensively depleted Manchester United side face a Middlesbrough team that have scored a pathetic 3 goals in their last 10 game. For reference, Swansea CENTRE BACK Alfie Mawson has managed 4 on his own in that timespan, point being, Middlesbrough don’t score goals. With this in mind and the fact that they face a solid albeit ever changing United back-line, you couldn’t go too wrong with bringing in a Reds defender for the weekend.

When choosing defenders you generally want to look for three things, is he nailed on? does his team get clean sheets? and does he get forward? Well there is a certain Ecuadorian wing back who absolutely hits the trifecta, Antonio Valencia. The pacey right back is perhaps the only outfield player to keep his starting spot at the back all year round when fit, and seems to be a teachers pet during his first year under Mourinho. With 3 assists in his last 6 games he is always a threat for attacking points with a fierce cross and an occasional eye for goal, although a lack of Zlatan Ibrahimovic gives him a lot less to aim at. The next best option is the goalkeeping extraordinaire that is David De Gea, fresh off the back of a spirited performance in the FA Cup in a 1-0 loss the Chelsea, while saves may be few and far between in this particular game, he is an absolute certainty to start this which cannot be said about almost any outfield player due to the fact they play Rostov on Thursday night, which is why I’d advise waiting until Friday until getting any of Mourinhos men. Fun Fact, David De Gea was once caught stealing a doughnut from Greggs, don’t let that dissuade you from buying him though, you can’t lose points for bakery theft.

Chelsea (Stoke away)

So Chelsea are marching away with the title, perpetually winning games with very little struggle indeed, leaving me wondering why I have no Chelsea attackers to my disposal. Eden Hazard scored his customary beautiful goal against West Ham in the blues’ last Prem game, but my and many others’ problem with him is despite his consistently breathtaking performances, he too rarely strings a run of high scoring games together, and for a one week transfer, I can’t be sure enough that he can perform at Stoke which is a banana skin for any top side, however admittedly I would much rather own him than Firmino right now.

With Kane and Ibra out and Aguero inconstantly stumbling into three of the leagues trickiest fixtures in a row, the only valid premium striker option besides Lukaku seems to clearly be Diego ‘by the way I’m a bit of a prick again now’ Costa. The pretend Spaniard comes into this one on a run of 3 goals and 1 spectacular milking of a foul in his last 4 games in all comps, and has one eye on the Premier League golden boot. He has the invaluable striking trait of being able to score a shit goal which means he’s never too far away from picking up points, but amazingly has still not scored twice in a game. The ceiling is not a high one for Diego but nor is the floor low, he is essentially the point scoring equivalent of a 1st floor council flat, which is where I imagine he’d be living if he weren’t a footballer.

Spurs (Southampton home)

the only member of the top 6 to have a reasonably appealing home fixture this week is Tottenham. With a huge chunk of the ground knocked down for new stadium plans, White Hart Lane is far from a fortress in the medieval sense, but in footballing terms it very much is. The North London side seem to effortlessly score an abundance of goals at the lane against teams outside the top 6, and with a Southampton side still trying to make sense of their ransacked back 4 it could be same old story for Spurs.

Harry Kane’s absence will be surely be a knock to the teams overall goal scoring threat and will certainly hinder Christian Eriksen’s assist potential, but there is one man who will surely reap the benefits of his teammates injury, Heung Min Son. The Premier Leagues Asian pin-up boy scored a hat trick at the weekend against Millwall, deliciously silencing racist chants directed his way from the away fans. Son’s price and points potential is among the best in the game right now depending on the length of Kane’s absense, but personally with Eriksen as spurs coverage I’d like to wait and see how Spurs play in a Kane-less XI before doubling up. Dele Alli will also no doubt take on greater offensive duties however ditto the above.

Arsenal (West Brom away)

As many of you may know, Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal have been trapped in a groundhog day-esc cycle for many years now, and if history is to repeat itself then we are just about to see Arsenals valiant end of season run that shows that they have the squad with the potential to win the league, but fall short due to previous mistakes, so perhaps it’s time to bet on the Gunners particularly with a West Brom side who seem to be in the middle of an existential footballing crisis with seemingly no point of existing until August. Whilst there are still rumours of his exit, I can only confidently look at Alexis Sanchez for this one, he’s the highest scoring player in the game so I won’t bore you with why because you already know.

Transfers and Captains

With all that has been said in mind my potential transfers in order of most to least likely look like this…

Collins > Valencia (£4.0 Mil ITB)

Firmino > Sanchez (£3.7 Mil)

Firmino > Hazard (£2.4 Mil)

Firmino > Son (£5.2 Mil)

With Brunt, Collins, Holebas and a still potentially injured Baines my current defence is looking uglier than ever, but I’ve got plenty of money to splash out on a facelift, or atleast a makeover. I’m aware that the ceiling isn’t huge but I really think Valenica is a great bet for atleast 6 points and would demote Holebas to the bench who loves to get me a big fat 0.

I have absolutely no doubt that one of the midfielders I’ve mentioned will score big this week but it’s all a case of guessing whom, and who knows I may bite the bullet and get one of them yet.

As for captaincy it’s one of those beautiful weeks where I don’t even have to think about it, Romelu Lukaku is in the form of his life and is playing Hull at home, even if he gets sent off after scoring a hattrick of own goals I shan’t be kicking myself like Mane last week because it is just so clearly the most sensible choice.

Your Questions

After the week I’ve had I feel ineligible to be providing direct advice on anything Fantasy related, and luckily for the public there are just the two questions this week meaning I’m tainting the opinion of a minimal amount of people.

What is your stress reliever after a bad weekend of FPL? Mine is Overwatch and some beers – bigluke575

Excellent question. Luckily my particular case of football obsession stretches much further than Fantasy PL. Although my weekend’s attention is based primarily on watching the games and hoping the points come in, when my week is a car crash I simply divert my focus elsewhere to my other sporting loves. I’m a long suffering Bristol Rovers supporter and thankfully this week they won 2-0, which cheered me up. Also I’ve made the mistake of massively getting into FUT Champions, but is a great distraction from real football when it’s not going your way. ‘But what happens when your fantasy team does shit, Rovers lose, and you get beat on FIFA by a team with 11 dabbing Ahmed Musa’s?’ I hear you ask… you honestly don’t want to know, but there’s lots of hard liquor and masturbation involved.

Who do you think is essential in to bring in keeping the DGWs in mind? Are (with caution) Man Utd, Arsenal & Soton players vital considering they will have 2 DGWs? – con_vey

Spot on, Man United, Arsenal and Southampton are guaranteed 2 gameweeks and will very quickly become very important, high owned players so there could be lots a value to be had by thinking about bringing them in now.

Southampton is an interesting one because their players are all very reasonably priced, when wildcarding or otherwise you should really think about eventually tripling up on Saints players as they extend your budget to be spent elsewhere whilst giving you three players that have two DGW’s, players I personally like the look of for price and form purposes are:

Gabbiadini (£6.8mil) – If he can continue his goalscoring form he will be essential

Ward-Prowse (£5.0mil) – 4th/5th Midfield option, takes several set pieces

Yoshida (£4.3mil) – If he maintains a starting spot he can’t be ignored at that price

Tadic (£7.0mil) – In terrific form, s’tons priciest but worth it if he keeps performing

Cedric (£4.8mil) – Cheap considering attacking potential

I strongly recommend monitoring Southampton’s performance this week yourself and getting a few in for not only the DGW’s but for the tasty GW30-32 fixtures of Bournemouth, Crystal Palace and West Brom.

As for United and Arsenal, these are the players I’d spend the money on, Sanchez, Cech/Koscielny/Bellerin, Valencia, Zlatan when back from suspension.

Other than this though make sure that you aren’t ignoring any players that might be obvious big hitters just because they don’t have DGW’s, for example Liverpool have incredible fixtures coming up, I’ve learnt this week that overthinking the unusual gameweeks can hurt your overall game.

Final Thoughts

So there we go guys, apologies for the negative tone, it was a very disappointing week but hopefully GW29 will bring some good news, thanks so much for reading and good luck to you and your squad, peace.