I used to be a freelance monologue writer for a late night talk show. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone walk away from a glamorous, high-profile job like that? Well, truth is, I didn’t. In fact, if a certain gap-toothed comedy legend didn’t take it upon himself to retire, I’d still be raking in all the bennies we freelance joke writers have been known to enjoy: low pay. Total anonymity. And countless hours spent mining the headlines for usable mirth.

But of all the times in history to find myself out of the professional joke writing business, why does it have to be smack dab in the middle of the most target rich environment the free world has ever known? I’m talking, of course, about the upcoming presidential election. Everywhere I look these days, big, fat, juicy setups are just begging to be capped off with punchlines that practically write themselves.

ADVERTISEMENT

Like this jewel of a headline, “Donald Trump Donald John TrumpOmar fires back at Trump over rally remarks: 'This is my country' Pelosi: Trump hurrying to fill SCOTUS seat so he can repeal ObamaCare Trump mocks Biden appearance, mask use ahead of first debate MORE campaign buttons are a top seller in Times Square.” Good Lord, talk about low-hanging fruit: “They’re the perfect way to tell muggers and perverts, ‘Stay away from me, I’m crazy!’”

Or this honey of a news item, “On Face The Nation yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘We must beat the savages.’”

I mean, c’mon, never before have the dots been so easy to connect: “Unfortunately, though, it’s unclear whether Donald was talking about ISIS or his own supporters.”

Back in the day, when I actually had a national outlet for such jocularity (social media notwithstanding), I found myself repeatedly, and cruelly, stuck with such slow-news-day topics as the weather, “It was so hot in NYC, Anthony Weiner was tweeting pictures of his heat rash.”

Or mass transit, “According to a new study, it would cost 100 million dollars to properly clean the subway. And that’s just the D train.” B-o-r-i-n-g. But now? Sheesh, talk about an embarrassment of riches.

“Hillary clinched the democratic nomination for president last night.” This one was pure reflex, like hitting your knee with a rubber hammer, “It’s nice to see a Clinton ‘clinch’ something besides an intern.”

See what I mean? I could go on all day. But who’d be listening? “At last night’s debate, Hillary admitted that she’s not a natural politician. Hillary actually admitted something? And she calls herself a Clinton?”

Good God, is there no end to this smorgasbord of material? “Russian hackers have breached the DNC and stolen all of Hillary’s opposition research on Trump. Which raises a very troubling question: Hillary needs research to beat Trump?”

Somebody stop me! Sure, past presidential candidates have had their foibles. But never before have two candidates had such a plethora of hilarious faults and/or liabilities simultaneously. Just compare their resumes: One is a pantsuit-loving-truth-challenged former First Lady and Secretary of State. She is also a recent survivor of an FBI criminal investigation who singlehandedly added the phrase “homebrew email server” to the American lexicon, all while being married to a frisky, intern-loving-impeached-former-president.

The other is a spray-tanned billionaire and former reality show host known for his line of eponymous steaks, free-range hair, questionable hand size and u-u-u-ge ego. Did I mention his penchant for late-night tweeting, disdain for specifics and numerous accent-enhanced ex-wives? You just can’t make this stuff up — believe me, I’ve tried.

So the next time you hear another hard-to-believe tale about Hillary or The Donald, put aside your concerns about the viability and future well-being of our republic (not to mention Earth) and think about yours truly, who’ll be, more than likely, desperately looking for someone to listen to yet another joke that will never see the light of late-night TV.

Which reminds me, did you hear that Donald Trump received his first classified intelligence briefing? Kind of awkward — Donald found out that the greatest known threat to national security is him.

No, wait — strike that. How about this? The FBI just discovered another 15,000 emails that Hillary never turned over to investigators. Maybe Hillary’s health really is slipping — back in her prime, she never would have forgotten to destroy evidence.

Yes, of course, you’re right. Too easy. Try this: Donald Trump said he’s open to softening his stance on immigration. Instead of a wall at our Southern border, he’s now suggesting vertical blinds.

Or maybe, Hillary still has no plans to hold an actual press conference. Even worse, today she went someplace where she could avoid people altogether — a screening of Southside With You.

Oh, man! They just keep coming; but to what end?

I may, or may not ever land another gig as a professional joke writer — trust me, these jobs open up about as often as pope or Supreme Court justice — but one thing is definitely certain. It’s going to be a long election season.

Dan Kendall was a regular contributor to Late Show with David Letterman. He’s also a veteran of the New York advertising scene and is currently available for light yard work.

The views expressed by contributors are their own and not the views of The Hill.