You’ve graduated from a top American university and have no choice but to live in a thriving metropolitan city because that’s where the *jobs are. You’re doing the best you can, but feel like you’re missing something because you can’t seem to keep up with the Joneses. (Lol, what are we, 50? The Kardashians.) If you’re wondering how your peers with the financial literacy of MC Hammer live like Beyoncé, here’s how!

*Friends

Rent:

Leading financial experts recommend spending 25% of your take home income on rent. If you plan on rooming with your college bestie whose parents are covering their share of rent, you’re going to need to cough up a minimum of 50%. It’ll be worth it not to experience FOMO with said bestie who casually say things such as, “I just don’t understand why poor people can’t just get a job,” or “If you don’t like your job, just quit!” all the while thinking about how your mother once drunkenly told you you’re her retirement plan and your father is too fat to have sex.

Food:

Make one balanced meal a week and post it on Instagram stories to check if your high school frenemy is still keeping tabs on you. The rest of the week, intermittently take down a spoon full of Skippy. Hot tip: the natural Skippy costs the same as the regular. Buy the natural and eat it in front of your roommates. Being perceived as health-conscious is luxurious. No one will suspect you won three hot dog eating contests by age twelve.

With that said, you’re going to need to put aside $50 a week for a brunch fund. Literally, what else is there to do on a weekend besides eat $20 eggs and get drunk? Instead of therapy, the money you spend on bottomless bloodys will provide you with the excuse to tell your peers how you spent twelve work hours on Bumble that week and you blocked your ex on Instagram, but regularly stalk their sibling’s account for family photos. It’s ultimately a self-care expense.

Be sure to stash away some coins for when you inevitably order seamless while blacked out in an Uber.

Transportation:

Being in a metropolitan city, you have the option of budget-friendly public transit. However, it is advisable to obtain a wealthy friend. Wealthy people regularly order cars for their crew. They cannot be expected to go underground once the sun has set.

If you’re out late without your pal “Tech Money,” constantly check back and forth between Lyft and Uber while pretending you’re not dying to leave the bar to go home and watch “This Is Us” with a stolen Hulu password. Until that price drops below $10, you’re stuck with Peter, a college acquaintance, who’s been discussing cryptocurrency for upwards of three hours.

To balance out this expense, there will be nights where you stay in and lie about your plans. Pretend you’re going on a date or you couldn’t be bothered to leave your bed because you’re too enthralled “reading a good book.” Extra points if you make a post about it in your jammies!

Clothes:

When you need a new outfit because everything you’ve ever purchased has been documented on social media, simply go to your favorite store with the most lenient return policy. You are going to buy and then return every crop top until the store clerk audibly sighs when you arrive at their register.

Set iCal alerts for items based on when the return period ends. You will inevitably forget to return 70% of your purchases, but not to worry; you’ll make $20 back when you sell it all the following month at Buffalo Exchange.

As for coveting a Canada Goose, go into a Bloomies with a seam ripper and snatch that patch. As a replacement, buy literally any black winter jacket at TJ Maxx or Costco and sew that baby on. When you fashion the Goose in public, be sure to tell your peers it was purchased on sale. It’s important to appear humble.

Retirement:

Lol.