Let’s Laugh at Communism

Because if you don’t laugh about the Bolshevik Revolution, you might cry.

Humor is a powerful weapon — or is it? There are two views on the function of humor. The first one holds that laughter is a revolutionary act which allows us to crash the idols, if only verbally. Another one proposes the opposite: humor allows to blow off some steam and continue life as usual. In the Soviet Union the latter was largely true.

In the last decades of the existence of Soviet Empire, its citizens engaged in ritual joke-telling on a daily basis. Many of the jokes were political. Soviet people were promised a material nirvana, supposedly ushered in by a brief stage of Red Terror. While by the 1970's it was plain that material conditions were steadily deteriorating, police state was firmly entrenched, even if it was diminished.

Americans may use terms “communism” and “socialism” interchangeably, but Soviets assigned different meanings to these words. Socialism was a socio-political system brought about by socialist revolution; it followed capitalism. Communism, it was preached, will seamlessly emerge after hard work under socialism.

In recent months a lot had been written about the “Red Century,” yet few people bothered to ask Soviet people themselves about what they thought of their experience. Humor, which froze their anxieties in time, offers a glimpse into the experience of an average Soviet subject.

To be sure, some of the jokes are not exclusive to USSR. For instance:

The hare was running really fast. “Hare, why are you running.” They asked. “They are castrating camels.” “But you are not a camel.” “They will catch you and castrate you, and then go prove you are not a camel,”

One would think the joke describes Soviet experience to a tee; we felt it was ours. Yet the same joke was recorded in Egypt. Perhaps it belongs to many totalitarian societies.

Even when humor is not specifically Soviet or Russian, the fact that it entertained Soviet audiences tells us something about the country. So, without further ado, let’s hear from the Soviet people:

An old man in the USSR lines up for hours to buy meat, only to find out there’s none left. He flies into a rage, screaming about how horrible and stupid communism is. A KGB agent walks up to him and tells him to calm down, adding “don’t forget what happened to people like you back in the old days” and making a “gun” shape with his hand. The old man goes back to his apartment, empty-handed. His wife says, “they’re out of meat?” He replies, “it’s worse than you think: they’re out of bullets.”

…

Two chickens lie on a butcher’s counter: one imported, and one from our Soviet chicken. The imported one is fat and big. He opens one eye, looks at the Soviet one and says: “why are you so skinny and sickly? Do they not feed you? You are practically all blue!” The Soviet one responds with pride: “At least I died a natural death!”

…

A delegation of Soviet workers is visiting an American factory. “Whose factory is it?” “Ford’s.” “Whose cars are parked in the lot?” “Workers’.” American delegation in USSR: “Whose factory is it?” “It belongs to workers.” “Whose car is in the parking lot?” “Director’s.”

…

Seven paradoxes of the socialist state: Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.

From the questions to Armenian radio joke cycle:

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?” We’re answering: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”

….

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in Sahara desert?” We are answering: “Possible, but you will end up with a shortage of sand.”

…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.” Then, what is a horizon?” We’re answering: “Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”

…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?” We’re answering: “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited. In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited. In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.

…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the shortest joke?” We’re answering: “Communism.”

…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?” We’re answering: “Temporary shortages.”

Since questions about the status of women in the Soviet Union had been continuously raised in recent months:

Scientists decided to conduct an experiment and put groups of two men and one women of different nationalities on an uninhabited island to see what will happen. A year later they visit them. An English man lives with his wife, and the other man doesn’t bother them because he hasn’t been introduced to the lady yet. The French live in a threesome. Lofty Jews procured another woman and now live as two married couples. Finally, they visit Russians and see two men sitting behind desks. One has a plaque that says “President,” another “Vice President,” and the woman is nowhere in sight. “What happened to her?” “Oh, you mean the people? She’s right there working in the field!”

Ethnic stereotyping is quite prevalent in jokes, of course. For instance:

A French scandal: a French woman is cheating on her husband in her husband’s bed. An Italian scandal: an Italian man is peaking through a keyhole at a French woman cheating on her husband in her husband’s bed. An American scandal: An American writer is writing a novel about an Italian man who is peaking through a keyhole at a French woman cheating on her husband in her husband’s bed. A Soviet scandal: a Soviet student is kicked out of a university for reading A novel by an American writer about an Italian man is peaking through a keyhole at a French woman cheating on her husband in her husband’s bed.

…

The intermediate stage between socialism and communism is alcohol- ism.

Leonid Brezhnev, Secretary General of the Soviet Union was, like the rest of Politburo, not very bright, and visibly demented on top of it. The joke below is picking fun at the absurdity of commie speeches. It was my favorite when I was growing up and various party heads on TV went on and on with their dribble:

After a speech, Brezhnev confronts his speechwriter. “I asked for a 15-minute speech, but the one you gave me lasted 45 minutes!” The speechwriter replies: “I gave you three copies…”

…

Socialism is a system of governance that heroically overcomes problems that do not exist under other systems.

…

A grandson asks his grandfather: “Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power plant?” “Yes, there was,” answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson’s head. “Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?” “Yes, absolutely,” answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson’s second head.

…

A teacher asks his class, ‘Who is your mother and who is your father?’ A pupil replies, ‘My mother is Russia and my father is Stalin.’ ‘Very good,’ says the teacher. ‘And what would you like to be when you grow up?’ ‘An orphan.’

…

Representatives of capitalist, socialist and communist systems walk into a bar. Socialist representative says: “When I need to buy some milk, I have to stand in line for an hour.” “What is a line?” Asks the capitalist. “What is meat?” Asks the communist.

…

A Russian and and American argue about whose country is better. “In the US,” the American says “we have freedom of speech. I can stand facing the White House and scream ‘Reagan is a moron! I hate Reagan!’” “So what,” the Russian counters him. “I can stand facing the Kremlin and scream ‘Reagan is a moron! I hate Reagan!’l

…

A woman walks into a food store. “Do you have any meat?” “No, we don’t.” “What about milk?” “We only deal with meat. Across the street there is thestore where they have no milk.”

…

A frightened man came to the KGB “My talking parrot disappeared.” “This is not our case. Go to the criminal police.” “Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot.”

…

A guard asked a political prisoner, “What is your term?” “Ten years.” “What for?” “For nothing.” “What a lie! For nothing they give only five years.”

…

A competition for the best anecdote has been announced. First prize: twenty five years; second prize: twenty years, and two condolence prizes: fifteen years each.

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