LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that a democracy must guarantee its people the right to openly discuss the fact that Episode 9 will be titled The Rise Of Skywalker without fear of censorship, the nation admitted Friday that they only care about free speech for imparting details about Star Wars shit. “The Bill of Rights guarantees Americans the freedom to assemble, namely at Comic-Con, and the freedom to speak, ideally during a Q&A panel with J.J. Abrams or George Lucas where we maybe even get to see a little teaser footage,” said Cleveland resident Doug Mandeville, 51, echoing a populace that confirmed it would fight tooth and nail to protect the First Amendment inasmuch as it applies to an individual’s right to post crap on Instagram about the upcoming Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order video game. “We owe so much to the Founding Fathers for taking such great pains to ensure we would all one day be able to go online and receive free and fair access to the film’s trailer, stills of Billy Dee Williams’ return as Lando, and information on how Rian Johnson’s vision for the franchise may have been altered. Other than that, the entire U.S. Constitution is something we could take or leave.” At press time, the nation stressed the freedom of speech does not apply to spoilers.

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