Today's Lineups:

Home Team

Shadious Beavertown (ShadyBeaver)

Bernard Westmayne (DynamiteShovel)

Ripper the Wolf (Ripper the Wolf)

Balasar Shieldbiter (Daiko)

Goblin Scourge the Rabbit (Goblin Scourge the Rabbit)

Unavailable

Kilgan Fireheart V (Vilhjalmir) - Still the Gulag

Thoran Stonecrusher (HarryGoLucky) - Possibly dead

Xeaon Ravenwood (Xeaon) - Probably dead

Away Team

Dungeon Master (jptoc)

All kinds of evil shit (jptoc)

Unavailable

Thoran's dad - Dead via butterfly

Where we left off:

When we last played three years ago, the party were recovering after their trip down the rabbit hole. However, they've come back from their trip stronger, with the addition of a Holy Hand Grenade of Rabbitabad, Goblin Scourge the Rabbit, Balasar's ridiculous kill count and Bork's love letter.

0 - The party continue on their path several numbers down.

6 - Shadious, Ripper and Bernard run into the bushes and hide as they notice a group of 4 warriors ahead of them. Balasar just walks straight down the road. Stealth isn't for a 9 foot dragonborn.

7 - Bernard leaves his hiding place and tries to get a meal from the warriors, but they're not biting.

9 - Beavertown throws his Holy Hand Grenade... For fuck sake, we've only had it ten seconds at this point and these people seemed innocent.

10 - Of the four innocent warriors, three get fucking ruined. Beavs misses his follow up arrow and then hides.

11 - Last man pisses himself.

16 - Bernard gives the last man his name. This won't backfire in any possible way.

17 - The party continue moving forward on their path and encounter a colder area where they encounter a dome like shelter in the trees.

18 - Shadious called in his favour with Bernard. Punt down the front door of the shelter.

20 - He then considers slapping Bernard.

21 - He then convinces Balasar to punt the door down.

22 - Bernard then convinces Balasar to not punt the door down.

22 - Fuck these mind tricks.

23 - Turns out the door wasn't even locked. No punting.

24 - The room is all dusty and shit, with not a whole lot in there. Just someone's home. Chests though.

25 - The air grows cold when Beavertown opens the chest. Magic Elf appears and she's angry. 'Foolish mortals'

26 - Shadious proceeds to chat her up.

27 - THE SCROLL IS OUT!

28 - We forgot to bring Agatha the Banshee's present. Fuck sake, Xeaon. Shadious covers by giving her his signet ring.

29 - Balasar remembers that they're here about a spell book, but forgets the rest. That's handy.

30 - Bernard takes the lead here. He starts sweet talking her. Hands over a jade statue.

31 - We cheated and asked our benevolent DM. He reminded us. Sernoff the Necromancer now has Bo Gentle's spellbook. These are real names, shut up.

35 - The Party agree to make their way back to town and speak to the nun.

37 - Goblin Scourge is now on Beavertown's shoulders. Currently squeeing.

39 - Goblin Scourge is onto Xeaon. DEFCON 1 EVERYONE! OR 5! WHICHEVER IS WORSE! We may get stabbed in the leg. Beavertown is currently putting forward the worst defence of all time.

41 - Xeaon now lives with Derek and Judy the rabbit apparently.

42 - Ripper thinks wolves sound like Scooby Doo.

43 - There's an Owlbear walking around.

46 - Balasar roars majestically at the Owlbear. (Nat 20) It roars back in defiance. Balasar just got very excited.

48 - Balasar charges forward and unleashes a torrent of electricity from his maw which hits the Owlbear directly.

54 - Shadious fires an arrow through Balasar's legs and smashes the Bear in the chest.

56 - Balasar takes a big hit from the Owlbear's beak. He then takes a monstrous hit from its claws. Balasar's struggling here.

62 - Bernard heals Balasar, who also heals himself. Bernard also fires off a shot, hitting the stupid fucking bear and its bullshit.

63 - Balasar then swings his greataxe, but barely does any damage.

64 - Shadious comes up big though, firing an arrow straight into the bear's lung.

65 - The Owlbear fires off at Balasar again. Barely a nibble from the beak, but the claws swing back around and tries to spear Balasar through the thigh, but it's little more than a nick.

66 - Bernard heals Balasar again. Balasar continues to tank.

67 - Ripper bites at the bear, but can't gain any ground. As does Goblin Scourge. Fuck these animals.

68 - Balasar smashes the other shoulder of the Owlbear, taking away its Claw attacks. Get in!

69 - Shadious pops back out and fires at the bear once more and goes straight into its eye, killing it outright.

70 - Shadious is happy that he got his kill, but Balasar just starts hacking at the Owlbear's neck until the two sides are seperated. He then carries the Owlbear's head with him.

71 - The party arrives back in town and they're beaten, broken and bruised.

81 - The Party have stopped in the Sleeping Giant Inn, and Balasar orders 50 pints of Blerry. After the first few, he begins to perk up.

83 - Ignoring Balasar's offer of his extra Blerry, Shadious takes up the Barmaid on her offer of a surprise drink, which he then downs. Beavs is currently out for the count, and Balasar starts laughing at the downed Elf, explaining that he just drank Dragon Poison Ale.

85 - Bernard gives a performance that the barmaid loved, but there's several red cloaked men who don't agree. They claim that the Party couldn't have killed an Owlbear because they don't exist.

86 - Balasar throws the Owlbear head at them knocking two down, but soon after, the party are surrounded by six of these man.

87 - Beavertown pops up from his stupor and fires off a wand at the one who slagged of Bernard. A sudden gust of wind hits that one man and his clothes billow around.

88 - Scourge asks Balasar which of these he's killing. Balasar's impressed until Scourge misses.

95 - Balasar takes two arms clean off of one man and then roars at the rest.

96 - Beavertown finishes off the kill.

97 - The Windy Warrior swings for Beavertown, but misses. Beavs goes full Cena.

98 - Balasar takes a hit from a sword but shrugs it off.

100 - Ripper and Bernard dive into the fray. Bernard draws his dagger and drives it straight through one of the warrior's armour. Ripper follows up and rips a hole out of his thigh, tearing through an artery.

103 - Scourge is back into the fray and charges at Ripper's victim, but he's fucking awful.

104 - Balasar swings his scimitars again and cleaves another arm off. The second blade gets stuck in his victims ribs and tears several out.

106 - Beavs quickly changes into a pair of jorts and attacks, driving his rapier into the nearby warrior.

108 - They begin to target Balasar, recognising that the red mist is descending upon the Dragonborn. One swings for Ripper though, doing massive damage who begins to whine in pain.

109 - Big damage to Balasar's ribs. Big damage to Shadious.

111 - Ripper goes for another victim, angered by his pain, which was dulled by Bernard's healing. He missed.

113 - Goblin Scourge dives at the one on the floor, darting through the legs of everyone. Scourge misses a prone enemy though, losing his dagger in the process. I'm fucking done. He's hopeless.

114 - Balasar rips through another with his scimitars and slices through his stomach. His blade snags on the man's clothes and rip them off, showing the world his Y-Fronts.

117 - Beavs 'drops fucking nut' on the Windy Warrior.

118 - Ripper manages to dodge a second blow. And Y-Fronts does damage to the Dragonborn.

119 - Bernard dives over to the other side of the bar and fires a bolt, striking Y-Front's in the chest. He begins to bleed out.

120 - Ripper dives in, and tears at the man in front of him, ripping at his neck.

121 - Goblin Scourge dives in once more! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING USELESS.

122 - Balasar targets the man whose arm he took off earlier and cleaves his head off.

123 - Shadious swipes at Windy, but misses. Throat ripped man dropps from blood loss.

124 - Windy conceeds the fight. Beavertown plans to kill him, but Balasar rushes in and stops it. Bernard begins his poem once again, this time to a fervent applause from dice players who then run away terrified.

125 - Balasar and Bernard begin a Bad Cop/Good Cop routine as they interrogate the man. Balasar puts a cup of Blerry in front of the man who tries to drink, but the wind blows most of it all away.

127 - Turns out these redcloaks work for 'Glass Staff' who lives in a Manor just outside of town. They aim to take over the town.

128 - Balasar asks how many there are. Man lies, but Balasar shits him out and then the truth spills out. Creatures, Glass Staff and Creatures in the manor.

130 - Balasar offers Shadious the final blow on the Windy Warrior, and he gladly obliges, stabbing him through the chest.

131 - The barmaid thanks the Party for helping and offers them mead for the road.