Connoisseurs of American wingnuttery wait with great anticipation every four years for the release of the Texas Republican state platform. It is like Christmas morning. We wait for it the way America waited for that first cold beer on the evening of December 4, 1933. This is the real deal, the pure uncut hallucinogen of all American political ideology, the ultimate monster from the conservative Id. And this is not produced from some compound in Idaho. It is not stapled to a lamp post in downtown Coeur d'Alene. It is the official adopted philosophy of the Republican party in one of the most important states in the Union. And, thanks to the good folks at The Texas Tribune, we get to sample some of the product. To wit, or at least half of it:

"We support the repeal of the 17th Amendment of the United States Constitution and the appointment of United States Senators by the state legislatures."

(Where have you gone, Tom Pendergast? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.)

"Pursuant to Article 1 Section 1 of the Texas Constitution, the federal government has impaired our right of local self-government. Therefore, Federally mandated legislation, which infringes upon the 10th Amendment rights of Texas, should be ignored, opposed, refused, and nullified. Regulation of Commerce in Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution has exceeded the original intent. All attempts by the federal judiciary to rule in areas not expressly enumerated by the United States Constitution should be likewise nullified. Any federal enforcement activities that do occur in Texas should be conducted under the authority of the county sheriff."

(This argument lost a rather enthusiastic debate in the years 1861-1865. John Bell Hood is still dead.)

"We oppose the appointment of unelected bureaucrats and we support defunding and abolishing the departments or agencies of the Internal Revenue Service, Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development, Commerce, Health and Human Services, Labor, and Interior (specifically, the Bureau of Land Management), Transportation, Security Administration, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, and National Labor Relations Board. In the interim, executive decisions by departments or agencies must be reviewed and approved by Congress before taking effect."

(Also the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments, the Supremacy Clause, Article II As Long As The Black Guy Is President, clean water, breathable air, and any restrictions whatsoever on unregulated fertilizer plants that explode and take entire towns with them)

"Homosexuality is a chosen behavior that is contrary to the fundamental unchanging truths that has been ordained by God in the Bible, recognized by our nation's founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable alternative lifestyle, in public policy, nor should family be redefined to include homosexual couples. We oppose the granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin. We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values."

(See? This, alas, is what happens whenever good grammar is beaten to death by ideological fervor. The first sentence can be read as saying that homosexuality is "shared by a majority of Texans," which I sincerely doubt.)

We support an aggressive war on terrorism, including radical Islamic terrorists, cooperating with our allies, and sanctioning nations who sponsor terrorists. We support the reasonable use of profiling, the prosecution of national security breaches, and the revision of laws or executive orders that erode our liberties. We call on governmental agencies to avoid and suspend all activities with all radical Islamic organizations, such as the Council on American Islamic Relations."

(Except, a couple of paragraphs earlier, you called for the abolition of just about every "governmental agency" tasked at the moment with tracking and disarming the eight million Islamic sleeper cells you apparently believe are waiting to strike in and around Odessa. Make up your minds, sheeple.)

"We oppose environmentalism that obstructs legitimate business interests and private property use, including the regulatory taking of property by governmental agencies. We oppose the abuse of the Endangered Species Act to confiscate and limit the use of personal property and infringement on property owner's livelihood. "Climate Change" is a political agenda promoted to control every aspect of our lives. We support the defunding of "climate justice" initiatives and the abolition of the Environmental Protection Agency and repeal of the Endangered Species Act."

(I anxiously await the establishment sometime in the next century of the New Braunfels National Seashore.)

"We support the return to the precious metal standard for the United States dollar."

(What the hell?)

"We support the repeal of the Community Reinvestment Act."

(I mean, seriously, what the fcking hell?)

"Call for a limited Article V convention of states for the specific purpose of restricting the power of the federal government, including the implementation of term limits, and balanced budget amendment. Any proposed amendments must be ratified by 3⁄4 of the states."

Read the whole thing. Gaze in awe. I swear, every time the Texas GOP produces one of these documents, it's like somebody cleaned out every bad idea in the attic of American history and decided to throw a yard sale.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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