I was recently asked to do two promo videos for the BBC – one was a simple video of me trying to smile for five minutes straight and the other was of me doing a rant about Avengers spoilers. So far, so social media. I finished the two videos and one of the team said: “Well, you did those so quickly, you can do another one if you fancy.” I decided there would be no harm and thought it would be funny to do one trolling non-vegans about the way they hate vegans.

When I finished, I asked the team if it was OK. They told me that it was great and should provoke some discussion. What I didn’t realise was that this actually meant my social media timelines were going to be taken over for the following week with vegans telling me how great I was and meat eaters telling me that I was the worst scum of the Earth and that my time to pay would come soon.

I was pretty taken aback by the level of vitriol thrown in my direction, but the truth is I have only myself to blame. I said something deliberately provocative – that people hate vegans because they’re better than everyone else – and was surprised when people were provoked. I had forgotten that there is absolutely no place for nuance, context or any kind of grey area when it comes to social media. Every time you venture on to it, you get caught in the crossfire of arguments raging back and forth, even though I cannot recall a single time on Twitter when somebody has said: “You make a fair point, I agree with you now.”

It did, bizarrely, give me a slight admiration for Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins, two professional trolls who deliberately antagonise and upset people in order to maintain relevance. They must be inundated with abuse all day, every day, but I imagine they feed off it like hatred vampires, using the fire of the abuse to forge another made-up opinion for the masses.

What could I have done to avoid this? And should I want to? The clip has had more than a million views, compared with the smiling video’s 12, which is presumably just my mum watching it and then showing it to her friends. So what does that mean? Well, it certainly means I won’t be doing the smiling thing again, but should I do more videos as inflammatory as my vegan diatribe?

The truth is, I don’t know. I have said much more provocative things in standup comedy and there have been no issues at all. Obviously, this is because I am speaking to a much smaller group of people, but essentially the context is everything. The audience know they are watching a comedian who is saying things that they might not agree with, in order to make them laugh. There is no such understanding when @Carnivore12 pops up on your timeline, saying: “Look at what this grass-munching twat is saying.”

So the lesson has been learned. I am never going to trust the internet again. You will see me express provocative views only on comedy shows, on stage and in this column. And probably another video, who am I kidding? Vegans are the future, and if you eat dairy and meat you don’t care about the planet. Goodbye!