by Guest

contribution by Spacey

Prime Minister David Cameron has revealed that he is committed to Christianity apart from all the bits about helping the poor and sick, and definitely excluding the part where Jesus throws the money-lenders out of the temple.

With Christians everywhere suffering a crisis of faith following Mr Cameron’s insistence that he is one them, members of the clergy face a difficult run up to Christmas trying to explain to their congregations how the last 18 months of a Tory led government is in any reflected in the teachings of the Bible.



In a speech in Oxford on the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible, Mr Cameron insisted that government policy was regularly guided by the words of the Bible.

“The Bible focuses quite heavily on forgiveness,” he said. “Surely no-one can deny how quick we’ve been to forgive the bankers,”

“There’s also some great stuff in there about over-the-top vengeance which is reflected in our response to the summer riots.”

“That’s something the Archbishop of Canterbury would do well to remember next time he’s mouthing off.”

Describing himself as a “committed” but only “vaguely practising” Christian, the PM admitted he can have the best of both worlds.

“I’m entirely committed to the parts of the Bible that I can interpret to suit my agenda, but describing myself as ‘vaguely practising’ allows me to ignore all the lefty hippy shit.”

“One of the great advantages of this is that if you ignore all the stuff about helping the poor and sick, you can read the whole thing cover to cover in about half an hour,” he enthused.

The Church have reacted with indifference to the prime ministers claims of Christian commitment, describing them as “nothing new”.

“We’ve grown accustomed to people using the Bible to try and further their own ambitions,” revealed a Church of England Spokesperson.

“David Shayler, David Koresh, David Icke, David Cameron.

“We’re starting to think it’s a ‘David’ thing.”

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This is a satirical article. Spacey writes more regularly for the spoof news site Newsthump.