Alex: Remember how I said we uncovered some interesting information about Dr. Strand, but how it wasn’t relevant to our investigation, and we therefore would not air that material? Well guess what, kids? Alex changed her mind again! Turns out that Dr. Strand was married, his wife mysteriously disappeared in 1997, and the prime suspect in her vanishing … and her presumed murder … was Dr. Strand himself.

But never mind the fact that I am using a possible killer as both the subject and expert in this podcast, which is like radio for the internet! Because Richard Strand has offered to share with me yet another Black Tape, and like a crack addict jonesing for a fix, I need me some of that sweet supernatural mystery.

Nic Silver: Before you go running off, don’t you think it’s kind of odd that this deeply private man, who has called into question both your integrity and your intelligence multiple times in just a few short days, is offering to open up his research to you, when he was at first so fast to hide it from you?

Alex: Nope!

Nic Silver: Isn’t it possible that he has an ulterior motive, that he is planning to use you, and this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, and me, who is like a producer for podcasts, to further his own nefarious goals?

Alex: Of course not! There is absolutely no way that Dr. Strand has any personal connection to the supernatural, or that the disappearance of his wife will factor in to our investigation, or that I will find myself in personal turmoil and danger because of this story.

Nic Silver: All right then! Good talk!

Richard Strand: I’ll tell you exactly why I’m allowing you to accompany me on these investigations. I am terribly, terribly lonely, and my intern has threatened to quit, leaving me finally and completely desolate, if I don’t, quote, get off the goddamned couch, take a shower for Christ’s sake, and spend some time talking to a real live human being, unquote. But also because this is what passes for “investigation” in the paranormal world:

Emily DuMont’s Youtube: It’s important not to jump to conclusions when investigating the supernatural. For example, when someone hears a strange sound at night, it’s natural to think that a fell demon from the ninth netherhell has wormed its way into our dimension and set about the dark work of its infernal master, Bealzebub. But it’s entirely possible, and in fact much more likely, that that strange noise was nothing more than a harmless psychokinetic apparition, floating about until the mental energies from which it was formed dissipate into the clairvoyant field surrounding us all.

Dirk Abrusey’s Youtube: It is a literal scientific fact that when I joined the Penn State Paranormal Department, a dark entity hovered over my head for three straight weeks, and I have sword testimony from people that weren’t even that high backing up my story.

Richard Strand: And these sons of bitches have tenure.

Alex: So you’re hoping to use my credentials and my platform in order to destroy the career of you professional rivals?

Richard Strand: Pretty much.

Alex: Sounds like a plan! Let’s set up some scandalous interviews!

Kieth Dabic: Hey Dr. Strand? I heard you on Alex Regan’s show, and I was wondering if you’d like to investigate a case I"m involved in. You see, I’m the songwriter and lead guitarist for seminal underground deathrock band Hastur Rising. A few months ago, our lead singer Jeff Went listened to this recording called The Unsound, and then he drove a butter knife through his heart with a polo mallet, and that all seems kinda weird and I was wondering if you could help a bro out?

Richard Strand: Interested?

Alex: That is so metal! [Devil Horns, Head Banging]

Richard Strand: So The Unsound is a recording made about twenty years ago. The Unsound is supposedly the voice of an archdemon politely asking for permission to tear open the fabric of reality and have his foul way with all of creation, and the mythology is that anyone who hears it dies within a year.

Jeff Wendt is the latest victim, but like those who dare enter King Tut’s tomb, there are a string of others. The most famous is the team of researchers who first recorded the Unsound, a group of antarctic explorers who were, to the man, slaughtered by a flock of rabid penguins shortly after hearing the recording.

Alex: So is this a Black Tape because of Jeff Wendt, or because of the team of researchers?

Richard Strand: What? Neither. It’s an unsolved case because I can’t figure out if the Unsound is actually a beluga whale giving birth, or the sound of a cat being fed through a wood chipper, slowed down and reversed.

Alex: So the Unsound is apparently a sonata composed by Lucifer himself in order to hide his evil machinations from the Lord God Almighty, and/or grant demonic forces access to the mortal plain. Even more interesting, if you hear the Unsound …

[shrieking terror, the sounds of reality coming apart, and the haunting melody of shadows overtaking the light]

Alex: …Which you just did, you die within a year. Oh. Right. Sorry about that.

Alex: The Black Tapes Podcast is brought to you by Audible.com. Sign up now and enjoy a free audiobook, which unlike this podcast probably won’t even endanger your mortal soul.

Alex: I’m speaking with renowned structural acoustician Dr. Michael Pullman, who I have asked to analyze the Unsound recording I just tricked you into hearing.

Dr. Michael Pullman: Okay, so you can see the compression wave here, and how it behaves as if it were a synoid waveform, but then if you look at the reverberation matrix, you can tell that it is actually much closer to an recombinative iteration progression. These two structures aren’t found together in nature, leading one to believe that this is a synthetic acoustic signature. However, this segment also contains a distinct unanthropomorphic tempo, which is hard to fake digitally.

Alex: You have no idea what this recording is, do you?

Dr. Michael Pullman: Yeah, I’m pretty much just making shit up.

Alex: Having struck out in the scientific realm, I invited theologian and demonologist Francis Dryser to weigh in on the sound that will soon shear all of our souls from our trembling bodies.

Francis Dryser: When you study theology, one of the biggest questions you encounter is the problem of evil, or theodicy. If God is all powerful, all knowing, and all good, how can evil possibly exist? I’m going to completely dodge that question and instead suggest that there is a literal portal to hell that allows literal demons to literally enter our world and literally possess us, and may literally lead to the end of all things, probably some time in Season Five.

Alex: And could the Unsound serve as such a portal?

Francis Dryser: Sure, why not?

Kieth Dabic: So Jeff was a raging alcoholic, a huge drug fiend, and a manic depressive with strong suicidal tendencies, and sure he was trying to escape a stern religious upbringing by embracing the darkest occult mythologies he could find, and I guess he was hospitalized numerous times for attempts made on his own life, but I’m pretty sure it was the Unsound that killed him.

Alex: Well, I haven’t done anything like “fact checking” or “verifying your story,” but I’m gonna go with my gut and agree that it was this recording, which I might as well play for our listeners again –

[the unbearable sounds of a lie so true that it bends reality to match its dark promises]

Alex: – that killed Jeff. Oh, if you’re superstitious, you probably shouldn’t have listened to that.

Kieth Dabic: Oh, no, it’s cool, I’ve been playing the Unsound as a subliminal message this entire interview.

Richard Strand: So Alex, why exactly did you decide to make a show about these Black Tapes?

Alex: Well, I mostly want to pry into your personal life, particularly the disappearance and possible murder, potentially at your own hand, of your wife Coralee.

Richard Strand: Excellent. Yes. Let’s do that now.

Alex: Okay! So I have a ton of questions. Like first, do you ave a history of violence? Have you ever harmed a small, defenseless animal? Did your mother love you? Did your father love you too much? When you look at this ink blot, do you see your inner turmoil and rage made manifest, or just a bunny being torn apart by wild wolves?

Richard Strand: Son of a bitch.

Mrs. Wendt: And here’s where I keep my shrine to Jesus, and this is where I keep my other shrine to Jesus, and this is where I keep a relic of St. Benedict, and this is where I keep the stick I used to beat the devil out of my son, and this is my son’s recording studio, where he wrote and recorded all kinds of songs with the express purpose of glorifying our Lord and Savior!

Alex: Hey, is this a torrent file of the Unsound being streamed to millions of people?

Richard Strand: What’s a “torrent?”

Alex: Hey, I bet this has exposed more people to the unsound than I have! And you know what that means?

Richard Strand: I hope you’re not about to suggest that millions of lives are in jeopardy simply because they’ve heard a supposedly demonic sound layered beneath a supposedly musical composition.

Alex: Nope! It means I’ve got work to do!

Alex: The Black Tapes Podcast is a production of Pacific Northwest Stories, in association with the National Radio Alliance and Minnow Beats Whale. Join us next time, when we explore the pros and cons of do-it-yourself plastic surgery. I’m Alex Regan, and we’ll be back in two weeks.