You tell yourself it’s time to get your life together.

After scouring more than a dozen self-help articles you feel ready enough to embark on the journey yourself, falling asleep at exactly 9:01pm like that last article suggested before your laptop died.

The next morning you wake up before the rest of the neighborhood. You scribble three things you’re grateful for in the back of an old notebook you had previously used to take chemistry notes in. You remember that you are no longer a Chemistry major and write that down as one of the things you’re thankful for.

You force yourself to drink a whole glass of water. At this point, you’re just used to being perpetually dehydrated that it hurts more than it should to finish the glass. You figure all of this water you’re having is enough to last you the rest of the day and you admire how hydrated you’ve become. You wonder if your skin has always glowed like this.

The crisp morning air hits you as you step outside for your now daily run. You look around at the other houses in your neighborhood and imagine that your neighbors are watching from their windows and thinking how fit and healthy you are, even though this is your first morning run since you’ve lived here and they’re probably not even awake. After running a couple hundred feet down the street, you determine that it’s been at least a mile and that exercise of this caliber is worthy of some kind of fast food breakfast. However, you remember that you’re eating clean(ish), which makes your run a little less sweet. You sprint home, all of a sudden feeling ravenous.

Upon taking stock of the fridge, you decide that a trip to the grocery store would make this whole health journey a little more legitimate. The only legitimate grocery store you can think of is Whole Foods. You suppose that the surplus of eggs you have will work for now.

After a breakfast of boiled egg with a side of scrambled egg, you begin to rethink this whole clean eating thing.

You take a cold shower and wonder if any of the people who claim to do this every morning actually love themselves. Still, you feel alert and prepared to tackle the rest of the day, which suddenly has way more hours in it. Seriously, why did you wake up so early?

You sit down with your laptop to start on some writing. The screen immediately lights up to the article you were reading last night. You glance and see you have 15 tabs open, all containing information on productivity, healthy living, and overcoming procrastination. You open another tab and type in “are cold showers really good for you”.

It’s still early, and your day is longer. This counts as educational reading. You’re a writer; you’re doing research.

Hours pass. You’re neck-deep in information. You’re inspired. You’re motivated. You’re ready now.

You title your document “How I Learned to Procrastinate Less and Produce More”, but you don’t write anything else. You have writer’s block (probably due to the rabbit food you have to endure while “clean eating”, you assume). It’s now 5pm.

You treat yourself for your productive day. By midnight you are two seasons deep in House Hunters International and have eaten half of a large Hawaiian pizza.

As you get ready for bed, you tell yourself that you won’t be getting enough hours of sleep to wake up as early as you did today, so you’ll have to skip your morning run. You hope your neighbors won’t notice. You also decide that having an all-egg breakfast two mornings in a row is ridiculous and that clean eating just isn’t realistic. You aren’t too sure about cold showers either; the articles you read had mixed reviews.

While laying in bed, you suddenly feel unproductive and lazy.

You realize that you haven’t done any work of your own.

You realize that somewhere in the middle of your internet marathon, you ordered a pizza.

You realize that you’re two seasons deep in House Hunters International.

You tell yourself it’s time to get your life together.