In my 7+ years of scouting in New York City, I’ve only seen a handful of time machines.

They’re just about the rarest thing you can stumble on, and on those few occasions when you think you seen one out of the corner of your eye, you’ll turn – and find only empty air. But something special happened the other day up on Arthur Ave in the Belmont section of the Bronx. Not only did I spot a time machine…

I was actually able to photograph it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: this probably isn’t what you picture when you think of a time machine. In fact, it sort of seems like just a crappy car with a bunch of random shit stuck on.

But if you are thinking this, it is because you do not understand the standard mechanics of modern time travel. Let me run you through the basics.

The dead give away that this is a time machine is the inordinate number of antennas mounted across the car. This thing is covered in antennas:

The most important one is the Time Displacement antenna, extending an eye-pokingly dangerous four feet or so off the front.

Additional antennas branch out from the Flux Capacitor unit, mounted on top of the car:

Time travel creates a tremendous amount of external heat around the vehicle, hence the cooling fans screwed into the bumper:

Important time travel-related equations are written on the exterior for easy recall:

Even the important ones can slip your mind:

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were in a car traveling at the speed of light, and you turned on the headlights? These devices mounted over the standard car lights make the problem redundant by sending the light stream seconds into the future ahead of the vehicle:

Many time travel vehicles lack a spoiler, which is a gross oversight. Without the necessary lift/drag correction, spoilerless time machines have been known to rematerialize entire centuries off course:

Gold-plated mud flaps not only keep unwanted debris off your chassis, they also assist in maintaining the molecular stability of the vehicle:

I wish I could have taken more pictures, but it was right then that I noticed the owner coming down the street, and I quickly hurried off. Mess with a time traveler, and next thing you know, you were never born.

And you especially do not want to mess with the time traveler known as the High Plains Drifter.

-SCOUT

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