I’m going to be honest with you guys, this past week has been tough for me. And no, not because of stress at work or because I’m trying out some new strict diet, but rather, because of all of the Bachelor In Paradise drama that has taken our pop culture and entertainment world by storm. I’ve personally been agonizing over which side of #BachelorNation I should be on: Caelynn’s or Blake’s? It’s legit the only thing I’ve been thinking about the past so I figured I might as well process this as I write about it.

In a few words:

Before we start, I have a few things to disclaim: I actually liked Blake on The Bachelorette, and I disliked Caelynn on The Bachelor. I can’t explain it, but there’s just a deceptive and fake vibe Caelynn emits that makes me not trust her. Also, my best friend is a pageant girl so I have heard first-hand stories regarding these types of girls for years now. And, let’s just say, some of them lose their sh*t over this pageant stuff. Suffice it to say, my opinions on this Blake/Caelynn feud surprised even me. So let’s get into the drama at hand.

It Goes Down In (Blake’s) DMs…

First, I need to express in no uncertain terms that I believe that 90% of the guys who go on The Bachelor are losers. And by “losers” I simply mean that they’re the kind of guys who aren’t used to attention, but have craved it their whole lives. They never got to be homecoming king or frat president—heck, they were lucky if they even got into a frat, let alone get voted Safety and Wellness Chair. The other 10% consists of 2 groups: 5% that go on the show solely because they get how it works—they know it will bring them easy fame (looking at you, Jed)—and then, the final 5% are genuinely great guys who genuinely go on the show naively in search of love… or were submitted for the show by a pushy family member.

Which leads me to my genuine belief, said best by the Queen of Paradise herself, Demi: “Blake is a loser.” And I don’t mean that in a malicious way. I mean it in the way that he’s a loser at heart, and is not used to being the “cool guy”. Look, I think Blake is cute and genuinely a good person. But I think, prior to the show, he never experienced what it’s like to be the hot guy every girl is after. Blake used to be the type of guy who couldn’t get a girl to save his life, and now, he has an Instagram DM box overflowing with hot women. This has led to the creation of our current Blake, a genuinely good guy at heart turned f*ckboy because he doesn’t know how to handle all of this positive attention from the opposite sex.

#StagecoachGate2019

Okay, now that I’ve provided all of the background information leading to my official stance, let’s get into the actual situation. Long story short, Blake slept with Kristina and then Caelynn on back-to-back nights at Stagecoach. He supposedly has had more than a one-time hookup type of relationship with both women. He also apparently had been DM-ing and hanging out with several other Bachelor alum prior to Paradise. Overall, not a good look.

Now, the reason that everyone (aka all of Twitter) has taken Blake’s side is due to the fact that the text messages he released showed that Caelynn was the one thirsting for Blake at Stagecoach and that they had BOTH agreed to keep their Stagecoach hookup a secret. This goes against Caelynn’s narrative that Blake ghosted her before Paradise. Sidebar, F*CK BLAKE for releasing Caelynn’s drunk texts! I can’t think of anything more mortifying than this.

Now, here’s the thing—according to what we were told by Caelynn (and which has also been confirmed from several other reliable sources of people within The Bachelor franchise) this Stagecoach hookup wasn’t their first hookup, nor was it some random one night stand. To put it simply, you just don’t have that type of flirty texting rapport with a random stranger who you don’t know.

In the post-hookup texts, Caelynn totally agreed to hide the hookup. The “hookup” being the key word here: she agreed to hide the hookup, not to hide the whole entire f*cking relationship. This is the kind of situation that I guarantee a lot of us have been in. You’re blackout, see an ex or ex-fling out at the bar and, even though you KNOW your “relationship” is technically done, you also know they’re comfortable, so you drunk text them because you have no inhibitions. The next day you wake up hungover af, and severely regret your drunken backsliding, but have to just move on with your life. However, in Blake and Caelynn’s situation, “moving on with their lives” is actually “going to Paradise where the entire country watches you try to find love while untangling this very 2019 issue.”

Welcome to “Paradise”…

Okay, so now again, imagine you are these two. You were both drunk and hooked up, but a week from now you’re both headed to Paradise, where you have a real shot at finding love. You two have already tried an actual relationship and it didn’t work. So why on earth would you both go into this new experience and declare to everyone that you just recently hooked up? That’s going to turn off potential suitors in both directions, especially if Caelynn and Blake had already started building relationships by talking to people prior to BIP, which, according to Caelynn, Blake was definitely doing.

Therefore, these two agree to not disclose the hookup. But, here’s where I think the majority of people are getting it wrong: yes, Caelynn agreed that there was no need to share their Stagecoach hookup, but she probably didn’t think they were agreeing to hide the entire relationship and completely ignore each other in Paradise. Like, imagine how hurtful that would be? For her “ex” to hide that they ever had any form of relationship would be such a stab to the ego!

Now, the next issue Bachelor Nation is in arms over is Caelynn claiming that Blake ghosted her which, mind you, is still possibly separate from their post-Stagecoach hookup texts. It sounds like, prior to their Stagecoach hookup, they were 100% in a “relationship” of sorts, but Blake’s f*ckboy ways got the best of him and he pulled away out of whatever “relationship” they had. Then, after seeing each other at Stagecoach (and probably flirting while there) Caelynn drunk texted him, to which Blake of course responded. So, due to their hookup and friendship text conversations post their drunken hook-up, Blake doesn’t believe he actually ghosted her. But, from my understanding, the “ghosting” actually happened months prior when they were actually in their non-official “relationship” with one another and Blake faded out.

Also, sidenote, for Blake to deny that he and Caelynn were ever in an actual relationship infuriates me to no avail. @Blake, @Jed, and @allothermillenialf*ckboys: just because you don’t put an official label on it doesn’t mean you weren’t in a relationship. If what Caelynn said was true, and they were FaceTiming three times a day, talking on the phone, and hanging out, then they were in a relationship. Whether they officially referred to one another as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” or not, it’s still considered a relationship, and it’s an immature and sh*tty move to deem it anything less.

In defense of Blake, I’m not mad at him for sleeping with Kristina and Caelynn back-to-back, especially given the fact that Caelynn was clearly wanting it at Stagecoach. What I AM mad at Blake for is denying that they ever had any type of relationship and for completely ignoring Caelynn when she showed up at Paradise. (And if that was all just editing then kudos to producers, you had me fooled!)

Now, my greatest piece of evidence in favor of Caelynn is the mental breakdown she had to Blake in last week’s night two episode. I’ve never related to anything more or really felt for a reality TV star than the way I did to Caelynn in this moment. I’ve been there in that exact deep emotional spiral, as I’m sure many of you also have. It’s that, “I feel crazy but I know I’m not crazy and that I actually have the right to feel this way, but I’m trying to play it cool, but I’m actually not cool and actually, you’re crazy but I will to be the one to look crazy so F*CK YOU” type of meltdown.

We’re all very aware that Caelynn is a pageant girl and is therefore experienced in keeping her sh*t together and staying cool under pressure. Therefore, for her to have such an intense, emotional, out-of-control breakdown spiral says something about the nature of her and Blake’s relationship. If it genuinely was just a “one night stand” and Caelynn was just pissed off that Blake ghosted her after, she probably would have had a more even-keeled and annoyed reaction like Kristina’s. But, when you’ve had an actual relationship with someone and then see them and they act like you don’t exist and like you never meant anything to them, then you have a reaction like Caelynn’s.

Final Thoughts

So here’s where I’m at: Blake, you’re a f*ckboy. It’s all about the games for you, and you are in a very selfish time of your life which like, fine, that’s fair. I understand, but you NEED to be humbled. I believe you’re a good guy and are doing anything you can to protect your reputation right now. You genuinely don’t believe you did anything wrong because that’s what you’ve been telling yourself to justify your actions. Blake, the reason people like you is because you’re sensitive, cool, charismatic, and fun-loving. So just man up, own your sh*t, and we’ll all forgive you! Just publicly recognize that you and Caelynn had a relationship, whether it was explicitly defined or not, apologize for upsetting her and making her feel crazy, and then we can all move on. Stop dwelling on this, and on being right, because, realistically, if you actually were fully confident that you were right, you wouldn’t be retaliating the way you are, posting a drunk girl’s text messages. All I have left to say to you is, good luck getting any late night booty calls from girls at this point!

Now, for Caelynn, I f*ckin’ feel you sis. You’re a beautiful girl and any guy would be LUCKY to be with you…especially a guy like Blake. However, I don’t think you’re defending yourself correctly in this situation. You need to address the fact that, whether he officially deemed it a relationship or not, you two did have an actual relationship prior to your drunken Stagecoach night together. Therefore, it’s not actually about the fact that he slept with Kristina and then you. Like, yeah, that sucks and it hurts, and the way he supposedly acted the next morning is extremely douchey. But none of that is the actual problem. I get that you probably did still have feelings for him when you slept with him, and so the fact that he slept with someone else the night prior and was blatantly talking to other girls in front of you was hard for you. However, you need to let that part go because, at that point, he had already made it clear to you that you two weren’t a “thing” anymore by, I’m assuming, ghosting you. By focusing on his Stagecoach hookups, you’re making it way harder for people to be on your side. When, in reality. I think everyone, especially fellow women out there, would be on your side over the fact that, Blake showing up to Paradise and not even talking to you or wanting to tell anyone that you guys have a history is f*cked up. No one should EVER be ashamed to be with you, Caelynn, and you know that, which is why I think you’re dragging his name through the mud more than you should be. You’re hurt, and I get it, but this whole thing will be a lot easier if you just focus on your own feelings and what he’s done to hurt you rather than on Blake’s “single guy actions” which, in an argument of right versus wrong, he technically had the “right” to do.

All I have left to say is that I’m excited AF for the rest of the season and, in the infamous words of Chris Harrison, actually think this will be, “the most dramatic season ever.”

Images: Giphy (5)