LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

With warmer weather and prematurely festive businesses reminding you you’re about to go broke spending money buying presents for people, local man Jacob Burton (26) has realised Christmas is now close enough for him to write off an overdue visit to nans until December 25th.

Despite working part-time, Burton still manages to find time to complain about work and put off visiting his nan, a woman that he really loves but lives about 45 minutes away from.

Now with Christmas less than two months away, Burton thinks it is unlikely he will be able to visit his grandma and he has to fit in time to do last minute Christmas shopping and find out what everyone is doing for New Years.

“If I visit her now, we won’t have as much to talk about come Christmas,” stated Burton, using the same logic he used to avoid seeing her before Easter, nearly 10 months ago.

“I saw her not that long ago though, we saw Kung Fu Panda 3, it was great.”

Burton attributes his visiting neglect to “life getting in the way” and not the fact that visiting his nan in her nursing home is a horrible reminder of the final undignified years of life that awaits us all coupled with an undeniable old people smell.

Very aware it has been a long time between cuppas for him and his nan Burton claims he has big plans to make it up to her by buying her another modern history book she will never read this Christmas.

“It’s about the ‘30s. Where she’s from!”

Committed to visiting her more often, Burton states he is turning over a new leaf in 2019 and will be visiting his old nan so often she may eventually be sick of him.

“My resolution is to visit her once a month. Same as it was this year.”