Hello, friends, let us immediately dispense with the pleasantries. Today I shall review several theological tomes. As a reminder to the female members of my audience, I remain steadfastly married.

Book #1: The Poky Little Puppy

MY FRIENDS, THE BLASPHEMY PRESENT IN THIS SO-CALLED CHILDREN’S BOOK WOULD CURDLE THE BLOOD OF MARTIN LUTHER. NOT SINCE THE HEYDAY OF AIMEE SEMPLE MCPHERSON HAVE I WITNESSED SUCH BLATANT HERESY UNLEASHED UPON THE SIMPLE MINDED METHODIST RABBLE. HERE WE SEE THE PROTAGONIST, THE TITULAR LAZY CANINE, EXHIBITING CLEAR DISREGARD FOR SCRIPTURES IN HIS SLUGGARDLY WAYS….FOR WHAT? TO EAT HIS BROTHERS’ AND SISTERS’ DESSERT? THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE PART OF THE BOOK IS THE END, WHERE THE PUPPY IS GIVEN RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE AND HAS HIS STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE TAKEN AWAY. DISCIPLINE: THE SWEETEST DESSERT OF ALL, I’M AFRAID.

ONE OUT OF FIVE STARS

Book #2: Mr. Bell’s Fix it Shop

MY FRIENDS, THIS LECHEROUS BOOK DOES NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO HIDE ITS HERESY, BUT BRAZENLY FLAUNTS IT: THAT MR. BELL CAN INDEED FIX BROKEN HEARTS! THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT THAT THIS BOOK IS A DIRECT ATTACK ON THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLDWIDE CHURCH. MY FRIENDS, IF MR. BELL CAN FIX OUR BROKEN HEARTS THEN WHY DO WE NEED JESUS? FALLACY! LET US RETURN MR. BELL TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL WHERE HE AND SATAN CAN DINE ON AS MUCH CABBAGE SOUP AND ROAST BEEF AS THEY PLEASE.

ZERO OUT OF FIVE STARS

Book #3: Scuffy the Tugboat

MY FRIENDS, I SHALL NOT SIT IDLY BY AS THE BRIDE OF CHRIST IS DEFILED BY THE RAMPANT OCCULTISM OF SCUFFY THE TUGBOAT. HOW MANY OF OUR CHURCH NURSERIES CONTAIN A COPY OF THIS TREATISE ON PAGAN ANIMISM? THERE EXISTS NO SCRIPTURAL EVIDENCE TO SUGGEST THAT CHILDREN’S TOYS POSSESS A SOUL! TO CLAIM, EVEN IN JEST, THAT A TOY CAN THINK AND SPEAK IS TANTAMOUNT TO APOSTASY. MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, I HAVE NOT SEEN SUCH UTTER DISREGARD FOR ORTHODOXY SINCE THE SHAMEFUL WORKS OF THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA.

ZERO OUT OF FIVE STARS

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