Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it.

Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.

Dear Advice King,

It seems Nashville women either want a country singer guy with tight jeans and a goofy hat or some hipster beer-drinking guy with a beard. So let me ask you, Crofton. I'm neither. I'm a regular, non-plaid-wearing guy with hips too big to wear tight jeans. I need some advice. How can a straight-up guy such as myself with a glowing personality and a job snag one of those Nashville women?

Thanks,

Ben

It’s a goofy-hat globe in 2015, my friend. All the world’s a Facebook and we are merely profiles. Real people have been sorted, classified and sold back to us as “types.” Choose one! Are you Johnny Cash or Paul Westerberg? Are you Emmylou Harris or Lena Dunham?

Which straight-up guy are you, Ben? Andy Griffith? Paul Rudd? Kofi Annan?

Don’t get involved in these role-playing games, Ben. There are plenty of normal people out there looking for love. The thing is, even if you dressed up like an extra from Gangs of New York and “snagged”* one of these Nashville women, you would end up sad. The kind of lady who wants hats now will want spats later™. People like this change their style AND personality to match their age and reflect current trends. If you date a “Zooey Deschanel” now, she’ll turn into a “Susan Sontag” later. “Susan” will leave you for a college professor who matches her new glasses frames. That garage-rock “Mick Jagger”? His “Marianne Faithfull” is going to get tired of having roommates, enter a “new phase” and marry a hedge fund manager. Mick’s band is going to break up, and he’s going to have to learn to express himself through latte art.

Be especially grateful you’re not involved in Americana cosplay — it’s a one-way ticket into a Southern Gothic short story. The country-singer guy in the tight jeans is trying to be Merle Haggard, and Merle himself was trying to be a train whistle. The woman thinks she’s Sissy from Urban Cowboy. More often than not, they’re repeating patterns learned from their family of origin. I mean they are literally re-enacting the events that created their own insecurities, and their mom and dad’s insecurities, and their mom and dad’s insecurities before that — the dude is impersonating his alcoholic dad, and the woman gets involved with him as a way to re-do her relationship with her own drunken, emotionally unavailable father. None of the actors in this drama are aware that they are in a play, because they are drunk all the time. Drunkenness was the reason for all the emotional disconnects in their family trees, and drunkenness guarantees the same shit will happen again. When “Tammy Wynette” gets impregnated by “Gram Parsons,” the circle is complete (unbroken HAHAHA).

I feel your pain, though. It seems like the people playing dress-up have all the fun. They smile real big in all their selfies, right? They’re always going bowling in big groups. Their omnipresent strings of Christmas lights scream, “We are experiencing more warmth than you!” Here’s something that should make you feel better: They are being warmed by white privilege, craft cocktails and cocaine. When the metaphorical party is metaphorically over (rehab, race war) these women will never want to see a man wearing a hat again. They will want a straight-up guy with a glowing personality and a job — that’s where you come in!

If you absolutely cannot rest until you are involved with one of these troubled, superficial people, I can recommend a plastic surgeon in Green Hills. Dr. Amer I. Canapparel will whittle your hips, seed your beard, remove your chest muscles, and make you gluten intolerant. It’s called the “Skinny Genes” treatment. It’s an $8,000 outpatient procedure and that price includes a 12-pack of a local microbrew.

* Don’t ever tell a woman you want to “snag” them, or that you are “happy you snagged them,” or that they are the best woman you ever “snagged.” You will be alone for life talking like that, hat or no hat, job or no job.