SCHAUMBURG, IL—Noting that the little fucker must be in some seriously deep shit to be booking it like that, local man Albert Chu told reporters Friday that the centipede tearing ass across his floor must be really late for something. “I dunno if he slept through a meeting or if he forgot to pick up his centipede kids or whatever, but those hundred legs of his were straight-up motoring,” said Chu, adding that just a few minutes earlier, he had watched the Scutigera coleoptrata burst out of a crack in the shower grout and immediately start sprinting towards a gap below the bathroom door. “While I’m not totally sure where that little guy was going, at one point he was hauling ass so hard that he straight up ate it and fell three feet off the side of the raised bathroom tub. Oh, God. I hope he didn’t get fired.” At press time, Chu said he hoped whoever the centipede was meeting wouldn’t be too mad that he had crushed the insect beneath his foot and flushed it down the toilet.

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