Time for the news. Unfiltered for you pleasure.

Real: Afghanistan’s President Karzai: Get US Troops Out of Our Villages

Rewritten: American Puppet Asks Puppetmaster to Cut Him Some Slack

Real: Rod Blagojevich Enters Federal Prison in Colorado to Start 14-Year Sentence

Rewritten: Reality Show Star to Get Dose of Reality

Real: iPad Launch: Walmart Selling Device From Midnight

Rewritten: Poor People to Marvel at Magic Clipboard

Real: Kashmir Scientists Clone Rare Cashmere Goat

Rewritten: Quality Sweaters to Become Dirt Cheap

Real: Wang Injured in Game Against Yankees

Rewritten: Wang Injured in Game Against Yankees

Real: Google Making Search Smarter

Rewritten: Google Making Finding Your Particular Fetish Easier

Real: Secret White House Wine No Longer Secret

Rewritten: Reporter Pulls Bullshit Story Out of Ass

Real: UK: 7,000 More Women Have Faulty Breast Implants

Rewritten: 7,000 English Women’s Boobs Match Teeth