For too long we in the sports fan community have been burdened by football and quarterbacking analysis that merely examines on-the-field performance, and completely eschews the more important between-the-sheets performance. We here at SomeSportsConsidered are here today to put a stop to that, beginning with the worst division in football – the NFC South.

Some readers may disagree with these rankings, but know that they were compiled using a very complex fuckability algorithm, and cannot be argued.

4. Drew Brees

Brees, after a legal hit from Ahmad Brooks irreversibly lengthened his neck.

Now, on the surface, you might not see a whole lot wrong with Drew Brees in terms of the boning department. But that’s only because the bayou witch doctors have shrouded him with voodoo magic to mislead the eyes and hearts of the innocent. Do not be deceived! Behind that ghastly visage and stupid beauty mark lies the most diabolical and heartless man that has ever lived. Not only has he been rumored to gorge himself on kitten and puppy gumbo daily (citation needed), but reliable sources tell me that he’s only into over the pants hand stuff, which is frustrating, boring, hard work and leads to ungodly amounts of chafing. Pass.

3. Jameis Winston

The only reason Winston, who has been dogged by sexual assault allegations, wasn’t last on this list is because he isn’t a part of that soulless organization in New Orleans. And as long as we’re being truthful, there’s a certain kind of charm to this young man. He seems like the kind of guy that would treat you to a nice seafood dinner. You’re enjoying a 2009 Cabernet, and you’re only halfway through your first glass, but you start to feel sleepy all of a sudden. Must have ate too much. No worries! Jameis says he’ll drive you home. You stare out the window of the car, listening to the hum of passing traffic and dozing off to the strains of Wiz Khalifa. The last thing that goes through your mind before you fall into a blissful slumber is, “I don’t remember it taking this long to get here.”

You wake up in a tub of ice, naked, with a surgical scar on your abdomen. Your head is pounding. A note has been stapled to your chest – “Thanks for the kidney, NERD.”

Now, for some people that might seem like a romantic night out, but for me I prefer a more traditional date.

2. Cam Newton

Cameron Elizabeth Newton IV finds himself at our #2 spot largely due to the weakness of the field. He’s generally a genial sort, though his post-coital Superman celebration does wear on the patience after the first few times. Act like you’ve climaxed before, champ.

He’s also very active on social media, meaning you have to worry about whether he’s the kind to kiss and tell. Also, I can’t be the first one to think that it’s very odd that he has Steve Smith in the room with him every time he makes love, telling him how great he’s doing and furiously masturbating.

His preferred way to get in the mood for intercourse is to put on the All-22 tape of the 2010 Iron Bowl, and then to hold up a hand mirror and repeat to himself “I did that. That was me.” All told – we at SomeSportsConsidered give this guy 3/5 calories on the yogurt/sex scale.

Matt Ryan

There was really no other choice for this top pick, as the other options among NFC South quarterbacks are predominately mange-ridden carcasses, and Ryan is among the world’s most stunning examples of virility and raw sensuality. As a partner, Ryan is the caring, devoted, chivalrous other half you’ve dreamed of your entire life. When he asks you how your day was, he’s not simply acting. He truly cares about you in a way no one else ever has. You fascinate him. He’s told you many times before that he loves playing football, but that the only time he feels alive is with you in his arms. As a lover, Ryan is generous and pays attention to every detail. His firm, yet supple buttocks are capable of thrusting away for hours on end, and when he makes eye contact with you during the act it’s as though he’s looking directly into your deepest, truest self. You’ve blushingly told your friends over drinks about the adventurous and exotic sexual acts you’ve performed together, many of which he learned whilst studying abroad in Tibet. He’s a wonderland of surprising, yet deeply personal little touches. Those silky eyelashes give the most titillating butterfly kisses and it’s intoxicating to run your fingers through his perfect hair. Ryan’s secret love of charcoal etchings has provided you with a treasure trove of documentation of these intimate moments, and you know that while he is away playing the 49ers or some other west coast team, you’ll be able to pull them out from your bedside drawer and these crystallized moments will unite you from across the country. A man? No, dear reader. Ryan is a titan, a pinnacle of sexual creation. A gift from the universe to mankind, showing that perfection is indeed attainable.