Really friggin’ great! Don’t let the CROOKED media fool you. President Trump has accomplished more in his first 100 days*** than the last 1000 presidents combined!

Aside from his major accomplishments–almost passing his signature healthcare plan, DonT. Care, not one but two travel bans, and a couple dozen tweets about taxes–President Trump has been BUSY.

So busy, I can’t possibly cover everything he’s accomplished, because this post would be about ten thousand pages long. BUT, I can take you through the highlights–some of the bills signed and the executive orders issued. So let’s get to it…

***Side note: Factor in days spent on the golf course, and Trump has really only been in office for, like, 80 days. So his accomplishments are even more impressive!

The GREATEST Laws Ever Signed.

The gridlock is over. In 100 days President Trump passed a HISTORIC 28 pieces of legislation. Impressive, because legislation is all about quantity, not quality.

Not to say the quality wasn’t GREAT. Because it was. In fact, you’re gonna see some real positive changes…not literally, of course, because, well, air quality will likely decline. As will the visibility range. And there’ll probably be a sharp increase in regional haze…but that’s beside the point!

Anyway, here are JUST eight of President Trump’s legislative highlights.

1. Signed bill repealing STUPID Alaskan Hunting Regulation which prevented hunters from shooting bears, wolves, and other predators out of airplanes and helicopters.

Hunting out of an aircraft is what America is all about.

Beyond the arcade thrill of killing nature two hundred feet below while you’re zipping through the sky in a giant piece of flying metal, aerial hunting teaches our children an important lesson: human supremacy.

God wouldn’t have invented semi-automatic weapons if he hadn’t intended for us to reign over the natural world with an iron fist and a sleepy conscience. That’s right: nature is below us, figuratively and now– thanks to President Trump– literally.

2. KILLED The Fair Pay and Safe Workplaces Rule.

Don’t let the name fool you. The Fair Pay and Safe Workplaces rule was the worst thing to happen to the economy since we banned child labor back in 1938.

The FPSW required all companies competing for federal, tax-funded contracts of $500,000 or more to disclose all serious safety, civil rights, and labor law violations made in the previous three years. It essentially “blacklisted” companies–prohibiting them from applying for federal contracts– all because they’d accidentally ripped off, killed, or injured a few employees.

And that’s not all! The FPSW also forced companies to comply with paycheck transparency regulations in attempt to promote equal pay AND outlawed forced arbitration clauses which required employees to settle all sexual harassment and discrimination cases outside of court and off public record. In other words, it sucked.

Which is exactly why President Trump and his fellow Republican patriots got rid of it.

3. Expanded State drug testing of unemployment applicants.

FINALLY! For eight years, Obama’s overreaching executive branch has unjustly prevented states from conducting suspicion-less drug tests on its citizens. Not anymore! This bill will save the states hundreds of thousands of dollars in unemployment benefits by spending millions on drug testing.

And get over it, liberals. You really think you’re helping these drug addicts? You’re enablers. This bill is exactly the kind of tough love these lowlifes need. Why? Because it helps them hit rock bottom.

Trust me, when you’re living under a tarp, eating pocket lint, and drinking out of a stream, the only thing you’re looking to “score” is a steady job.

4. Rolled back DUMB State Education Accountability Requirements.

If I can start by quoting myself: There is no faster way to turn our youth into gay socialists than with fancy liberal educationalizations. Luckily, Trump is looking out for us.

Back in March, Trump signed a bill which scrapped a bunch of STUPID Obama-era education regulations.

Basically, the federal government was TREADING on state education departments, making them do ridiculous things like measure student achievement, aid failing school districts, address student achievement gaps, require all students to participate in state assessments, and rate teacher prep programs to improve training for the future.

The liberals called this bungled mess of red tape the Every Student Succeeds Act. Ha!

Want students to succeed? Three words: sticker-based incentive program.

5. KILLED an unconstitutional rule preventing honest, hardworking, mentally ill Americans from purchasing firearms.

No explanation necessary.

6. TRASHED the Bureau of Land Management Planning 2.0 Rule.

I don’t know what genius thought this one up, but the BLM Planning 2.0 is a world-class dud. Originally thought to help further involve the public in planning projects involving the 250 million acres of public US land, what the BLM 2.0 really does is take the land away from those who cherish it most–logging, mining, oil, and gas companies–and hand it over to extremist environmental groups, with radical ideas like maintaining sensitive wildlife-rich areas and utilizing data and technology to determine where drilling and logging should occur.

7. TOSSED rule preventing Coal Companies from dumping Mining Waste into Streams.

The war on coal is over folks! Coal is coming back! Like most Americans, I love coal. I cook with it. Heat my house with it. I even converted my truck to coal power.

This bill was a no brainer. Because Streams are stupid. Who needs them when we have rivers?

8. DELETED the FCC’s Internet Privacy Protections.

It’s now legal for Comcast, Verizon, AT&T, and other broadband companies to utilize and sell their users’ sensitive information directly to marketers, financial firms, and data miners without permission. JACKPOT!!!

Once again, it’s all about the J-O-B-S. And the Internet Phishing industry was hit particularly hard by Obama-era rules and regs. No longer. America is going back to work!

THE GREATEST EXECUTIVE ORDERS EVER ISSUED.

And now, let’s take a look at President Trump’s Executive Order GREATEST hits.

1. Established April as National Sexual Harassment Awareness Month.

Wow! That’s really kind. But honestly, are you surprised? Liberals seem to forget that, as a candidate, Trump did more to raise awareness of sexual harassment than any other politician in history.

2. Issued Executive Order to Revise The Clean Water Rule.

The Clean Water Rule gives the big, bad federal government the ability to limit the amount of pollution us hardworking Americans are allowed to dump in major bodies of water. So yeah, it’s gotta go.

Washington bureaucrats CLEARLY don’t know the first thing about water. Because if they did, they’d know there’s one thing water’s really good at: WASHING STUFF. Like pollution.

Everyone knows that pollution can’t exist in water. Think about it. Once it touches water, it’s no longer pollution. Because it’s clean.

Rivers are particularly effective pollution dump zones, because, like flushing toilets, they have a current. Perfect for getting rid of crap.

Lookin’ to lose some old furniture? A bunch of plastic jugs? A few old car batteries? Toss ’em in a river. Don’t worry. It’s completely safe. Unwanted items will immediately be swept off to WHO CARES.

3. Declared March 19-25 National Poison Prevention Week in effort to boost poison awareness and limit children’s access to harmful household substances.

Great idea! Poison is bad, folks. I say get rid of household poisons all together.

Luckily, now that The Clean Water Rule is under revision, disposing of household poisons is easier than ever before. Simply gather all of your poison together, head on down to the closest body of water, and dump it in. Nothin’ to it!

Aerosols? No problem. Dispel freely out the nearest window.

Got a bunch of leftover solvent and paint cans? Here’s a fun tip: Save them in a plastic bag, and next time you’re out for a car ride with the family, take turns throwing them out the window.

Hucking empty poison cans out of a moving vehicle not only reminds children that poison is bad, but it’s also downright fun.

4. Signed Executive Order Expected to Roll Back Dodd-Frank Regulations and The Fiduciary Rule.

The good news just keeps on coming! For those who don’t know, The Fiduciary Rule prohibits financial advisors from putting their own interests ahead of their clients’. I know– completely unfair.

Here’s why: Financial Advisors offer advice. And their title gives absolutely no indication whether their advice is good or bad. It’s just plain old advice.

Maybe this point is better illustrated with an example: Say you stop and ask a veteran for directions. He accidentally points you the wrong way, and you drive five hours in the wrong direction. Whose fault is it?

Ask an anti-advice democrat and they’d tell you the veteran should be put in jail.

See what I mean? The fiduciary rule is bad.

I say we’re lucky to live in a country where our elected representatives are willing to stick up for our right to be swindled by our own financial advisors.

There’s a word for that, you know. Freedom.

Also, quick last point, Dodd-Frank is dumb. And thank god our new Treasury Secretary is set to review it. Because who better to gut and rewrite our financial regulations than an ex-Goldman Sach’s executive.

COMING SOON…MORE DEREGULATIONS

Here are just a few more anti-american regulations that are set for the chopping block.

1. Oil and Gas Company Methane Emissions.

Who needs them? I say let the methane flow. Literally a fart in the general direction of every hippy in America!

2. Car Pollution Standards.

Might as well get rid of these too!

3. The Mercury and Air Toxics Standard

Typical liberal scare tactics. Mercury is only one of the emissions controlled by the Mercury and Air Toxics Standard. The others are far more innocuous, like arsenic, chromium, and hydrochloric acid gas.

Well That Was Eventful!

What do you say liberals? Still think President Trump hasn’t accomplished anything? I bet you’re exhausted just from reading this.

So How Does All This Tip the Greatness Scale?

Well, technically all this stuff has been accounted for in past Great Updates.

BUT…There is something to be said for spreading the word, and introducing all you liberals to a little concept called THE TRUTH. So…quick couple of calculations…total up the new laws and executive orders…

It looks like we can tack on about: .666% Greatness.

So Adding on from last month…America is currently 32.616% GREAT.

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