Living with other people can be a challenge, especially when you don’t agree on how to share the common space. Here are The Onion’s tips for dealing with roommates:

When you first move in, figure out if you will be sharing food so you can predetermine hiding spots for anything good.



Post a chart by the door that keeps track of which person was the last to purchase communal items like toilet paper, trash bags, and all the furniture in the living room and all the dishes and silverware in the kitchen.



Have a polite conversation to decide whose family urns will go where on the mantel.



It’s important that you make sure to ask your roommate before borrowing their significant other.



Choose roommates carefully. Sure, fresh-faced college grads are cute, but there are thousands of older Craigslist candidates desperate for loving homes.



When it comes to utilities, divide the heating bill equitably based on which of you is the most endothermic.



Avoid polarizing conversation topics like politics, religion, and being four months behind on rent.



Discuss a standard of cleanliness that each roommate agrees will be ruined by Brian anyway.



Many people come to a big city for the first time not knowing much about Steely Dan. For your roommate’s sake, play Aja in the communal living room, but don’t stop there—Gaucho and Can’t Buy A Thrill will really demonstrate the range of Donald Fagen’s vocals and the band’s overall cautious march into the 1980s rock scene.



Always check in with your roommate before inviting someone over. A quick text 45 seconds before bursting in with a group of drunk friends will make all the difference.



If it’s just not working out, consider simply doubling your income and getting your own place.