Here's the problem with back-to-back nights of "Bachelor in Paradise": Four hours of this show in just 24 hours – aka one-sixth of a day – starts to feel awfully repetitive by night two. I'll be honest: Paying attention to the Tuesday night episodes is tough, as a sense of deja vu sets in. How long can one watch Colton and Tia dance indecisively around dating? Or Jordan deal with new dudes hitting on his girlfriend? Or Chris R. pretend he's not THE WORST? Like eating ice cream for four hours, it may be fun and sweet, but after a while, it loses its punch and gets hard to swallow.

And in case Tuesday night wasn't tough enough to get through, the show put Arie back on my television screen. You monsters.

Well before that, though, Krystal sages the ladies, burning some herbs over the women to cleanse their spirits or something like that? I don't know; all I know is I would not trust Krystal. I would assume I was getting hit with some evil voodoo curse if she was burning spices around my body and muttering incantations. At least the room probably smelled delicious though.

If the sage-burning was meant to bring the ladies luck, well, it arrived in the form of Leo, aka JASON FAUXMOA IS BACK! And according to Colton, "he has big cajones and he throws them on the table," which just sounds like a terrible way to ruin a nice dinner. What he ACTUALLY brings to the table is a date card, showing interest in Jenna and Krystal before finally getting to Kendall, who's been locked in with Grocery Joe. Surely this will be a non-starter between them. Yes, Leo has great hair and Almost Aquaman is close to his natural habitat, the water, but Kendall and Joe are an adorable delight and I can't imagine her risking that to ... oh, she's going on the date with him. DAMMIT!

Grocery Joe is (fairly) a little salty about the whole ordeal, thinking he and Kendall were far more serious and invested in one another than obviously she does. He jokingly wishes her a terrible time with Leo on the date, and it's kinda cute – but it's clearly not so jokingly, and I bet he was looking around for some of Krystal's voodoo sage shortly after.

While Joe spends the rest of the day drinking, looking tremendously sad and breaking my god damn heart, Kendall and Leo are off on a photoshoot for the cover of a romance novel that DEFINITELY exists. Jorge (remember Jorge?!) shares his story with the happy couple via reenactments – and this is when He Who Must Not Be Named appears on my screen. Why the show thinks I'd want to see that gray sentient plywood again, I do not know. And in case all of this wasn't painful enough, he's trying to act. I wanted to die.

Anyways, the book sounds terrible – though two literary references in two episodes; the show's getting refined! – and the photoshoot is meh. Not a single pirate ship. I believe it's against romance novel law for there to be no pirate ships on the cover of your book – even if it has nothing to do with pirates. But Leo and Kendall still kiss and have a great time.

Meanwhile, Joe is dying. The show clearly wants him to get either Colton-level emotional or Jordan-level angry, but because he's just a regular guy and not some reality show prima donna, he's instead just drowning himself in booze and laying in bed and passing away and probably trying to walk into the ocean. Somebody give this man a hug.

Kendall returns, and things are TENSE. Joe clearly put all his money in on their relationship – and suddenly she's not returning the commitment. He already seems defeated but that might be just all the schnapps talking. Meanwhile, Leo has already moved on, hitting on and eventually kissing Chelsea. Between this relationship imploding in the name of a player and the return of Go Karts Arie, I've had a very bad time during this episode's sulky first hour. You know things are bad when Chris R. is trying to put in a good word for somebody. WHY ARE YOU TALKING?!

And it only gets worse, as a random date card finds its way to the beach. This would be a great time for Joe to get a chance to take Kendall out and rekindle that relationship. Or maybe Eric and Angela could finally be on screen again for the first time in a week? But no, it's Colton's name on the card, which means we're getting another dose of Colton and Tia drama. What a bore. Can the show just leave these two alone for a second? There are other people on the beach – and like I said, I'm not even sure Eric and Angela are still alive so can we give them some screen time? Maybe?

But no, time for more Colton and Tia dancing around the idea of committing to a relationship – and literally dancing around a marketplace for a contest. And who shows up to for the contest but Raven and (*searches memory, finds nothing, Googles name*) Adam! Raven still introduces herself as the person who had her first orgasm on a reality show, which I'm not sure I'd want to keep telling people about – and also, she says she had her first one on "Bachelor in Paradise," but I distinctly remember her prancing happily around Norway post-sexy time with Nick Viall in a montage that I very much wish I wasn't watching with my mother. (Rest in peace, Mom-mentary.) Listen, I'm as huge a fan of taking a dump on Nick's season as one can be, but this is some revisionist history going on AND IT IS GARBAGE.

Speaking of garbage, that's what Raven thinks of Colton. She says that he dates the flavor of the month and that Tia deserves better and CAN WE JUST LET THESE PEOPLE BE!? After two weeks of back-and-forth drama that had me wishing for mercy, these two lovebirds finally get a nice happy date together ... and then Raven flies down there just to crap all over it? Poor form, supposed friend.

So this means another Very Important Conversation between Colton and Tia in which she laments that she's "tired of crying in front of you." Trust me, we're tired of it too. But thankfully she considers everything Raven said ... and throws it into the ocean because the two are not Facebook official boyfriend and girlfriend. I've never been so happy – not for the couple, but for myself because hopefully we're done with these two. Let these two sit on a bungalow on the beach uninterrupted where nobody can find them – so wherever Eric and Angela have been hiding – for the rest of the show before Raven shows back up to stab Colton and talk about her first orgasm some more.

But before we go for the night, I hope you wanted more moody Jordan drama! You didn't? Because sulky Jordan is the worst variation of Jordan? Well TOO BAD! Benoit from "Bachelor Winter Games" shows up, all French-Canadian and with a cool name, and starts attracting ladies. He flirts with Krystal for a bit ... but he calls her Kendall so that's probably a non-starter. Then he hits on Jenna and gets her name right the whole time, so clearly a connection is being formed. Time for a date – and time for Jordan to walk around the beach all sad and not being entertaining. Again: this is not why anyone wants Jordan on the show. The audience wants motor-mouthed metaphors and gaudy fashion, not sad walks down the beach with Zoolander Jr.

Anyways, the date goes well despite the fact that they went to AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT in MEXICO!? What the hell, "Bachelor in Paradise"? You have an entire country of diverse cuisine to shine a spotlight on and you sent these people to a freaking Mexican Olive Garden? At least they end the meal with a churro, which Jenna and Benoit lady-in-the-tramp with much to the confusion and disappointment of the lady selling the churros. And to the disappointment of Jordan, who's still sad and desperate on the beach. So he writes a giant "I'M SORRY" in the sand for Jenna, hoping this big gesture of humanity will score him points after Monday night's dog-throwing debacle. It's just a LITTLE bit of a better apology than his given-at-gunpoint speech at the end of this week's first episode.

But will it be enough to stay in Jenna's heart? Or has Benoit and his delightful name won her over? And seriously, are Eric and Angela still alive?