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I don’t argue with liberals for several reasons, including the fact that as a trial lawyer I argue for a living so I expect to be paid for it, and the fact that I really don’t care what liberals think enough to try to change their minds. When I deal with them on Twitter and other social media, I just want to defeat them as I demonstrate to fellow conservatives that it’s okay to fight back. But some of you do argue with liberals, though I don’t get why. See, liberals don’t argue either, mostly because they know no one else will buy the ideological garbage they are peddling. Instead of a reasoned position, they will inevitably offer a cheesy simulacrum of an argument that consists of the kind of hack ploys that would embarrass a shyster in a polyester leisure suit doing shaky rear-ender cases out of his 1992 Corolla parked down by the dump because he can’t afford a van down by the river.

Liberals don’t argue in good faith because they can’t, and Normal people who don’t argue every day as part of their job often don’t see the argument grifts they are being side-swiped by. Normals are direct and honest folks, and often (though much less frequently than they used to since Normals began to get militant) they labor under the illusion that debates with liberals involve honest exchanges of facts and evidence that can lead people to change their minds. No. Liberal “argument’ is a bludgeon designed to beat you into submission with distraction and deception.

Let’s look as some of liberals’ favorite cheats, and how you can defeat them.

The Cheat : “Jesusplain Those Rubes!”

When in doubt, play the messiah card! It’s always a pleasure to have some atheist hipster explain to you how Christ was a socialist SJW who was ultra-open-minded about what bathroom people should use and who demands you give the government money so it can hand your cash over to deadbeats. I often wonder if this gambit ever works, if anyone ever thinks, “Gosh, I guess if @ImpeachTrumpHillarysHot says my Savior hates AR15s, then I better disarm myself in the face of liberal-enabled crime and liberal-supported tyranny.”

How to Beat It : You could explain the whole Christianity thing, but it’s easier to just tell the liberals to go pound sand.

The Cheat : “You are [Something Terrible] for thinking that!”

Racist, sexist, homophobic, Nickelback-loving – there’s not a slur or slander you won’t be called for standing up for the principles that made America great. But somewhere along the line, certain conservatives – let’s just say they tend to try to sell you cruises where you can mingle with the who’s who of the Fredocon elite – started trying to please liberals, seeking to prove that, “No, I’m not that horrible thing you just called me!” Big mistake. Of course, that never works. Liberals themselves are all of the things they call you, and they know it, and they don’t care, because their caring and concern and compassion for all the groups they accuse you of oppressing is just a pose. Watch how quickly they go from claiming you hate gay people to accusing you of being gay because calling a conservative gay is an insult that is supposed to blow our button-down bourgeois minds.

How to Beat It : You could deny the charges, but it’s easier to just tell the liberals to go pound sand.

The Cheat : “We are better than that!”

They like to try to weaponize our morality against us, which is hilarious since they hate morality almost as much as they hate us. They create some sort of moral test, usually out of thin air, and then announce you have failed it. One of the best was the recent “Splitting up families of undocumented workers is not who we are!” Except it is who we are. We split up the families of criminals all the time and we should – there’s no nursery in San Quentin for a reason.

What they want to do is well up those tears in your eyes so you don’t clearly see the truth – the problem is not the consequence of illegal aliens breaking into our country. The problem is the illegal aliens breaking into our country. The problem is always the misbehavior we are calling out, not the fact we are calling it out.

How to Beat It : Refuse to play this human shield game and tell the liberals to go pound sand.

The Cheat : “No other developed country [Does This]!”

The “Compare America to wonderful foreigners” ploy often comes up in their gun screeds, where they claim that no other “developed” country has as many murders as America and then put the blame on the 100 million gun owners who didn’t kill anyone. It’s true that no other “developed” country has Democrat-run blue cities full of Democrat constituents who shoot each other down in the streets. Nor do they have a citizenry that retains the right to oust a tyrannical government, but where we see that as a feature, liberals – who think Castro was a great guy – see this as a terrible bug.

And what’s this about being “developed” anyway? Mexico and Brazil, which have gun control laws that the Democrat Disarm the Normals Caucus only dreams of, also have murder rates exponentially higher than ours. Why don’t liberals compare ours with theirs? Do they think non-whites are somehow undeveloped? Do they have lower expectations for non-white people? This is, frankly, super-racist. Stop being racist, liberals.

How to Beat It : You could explain that this is America and not some dwindling nation made up of emasculated Euroweenies with a flatlining birthrate, but it’s easier to just tell the liberals to go pound sand.

The Cheat : “Well, [Insert Huge Shameless Lie Here]!”

Facts are, apparently, for suckers. When in doubt, liberals lie, and then they lie again. Like on guns. Prominent liberals announce they want to repeal the Second Amendment and then huffy libs leap up to assert that, “No one wants to take your guns.” Gaslight better, people! At least try.

How many times have you heard how AR15s are “weapons of war” when no one ever uses them in wars? How many blue falcon Democrat vets have tried selling us on disarming by saying, “I carried a M16/M4 for a year and, for some reason, now I think I have the moral authority to tell you other Americans what self-defense tools you can and can’t have!” Okay, an AR15 is not a M16/M4. It just isn’t. Saying so means you are a liar, or too stupid to be talking about guns. And wait a minute – I was in 27 years. Shouldn’t I have even more moral authority to tell people that every citizen should have an AR15, or does this special “But I was in the Army!” moral authority only accrue to liberals?

Getting basic facts about guns wrong again and again is not a mistake – it’s a lie designed to mislead you. The same with TRUMP RUSSIA TREASON RUSSIA EMOLUMENTS RUSSIA TREASON STORMY TREASON. After almost two years of this hooey, they are still lying about evidence of collusion between Trump and Putin. There’s none about Trump but plenty showing the Obama/Clinton Cartel colluded with foreigners big time. But that’s apparently A-OK collusion. Facts, schmacts, it’s all about the narrative!

What does it say about an ideology that its proponents have to lie about what they really want? It says that they know that if you know what they really want, you won’t have any of it.