To the Concerned Citizens of the Pac-12,

I’m crying “foul” on the statements made by a certain fowl.

The Oregon Duck announced his candidacy for President of the United States on Sept. 5. His campaign seems to be feathered with good intentions, but recent research proves he’s a quack.

Does the name “Shasta the Cougar” ring any bells? Shasta, mascot for the University of Houston, was attacked by The Duck in 2007 for simply trying to do pushups. The Duck blindsided him, kicked him and punched him in an assault that PETA called “horrifying” and led to an anti-animal abuse campaign by singer Sarah McLachlan.

Shasta made a full recovery, but the attack has forever marred the mallard’s character.

Behind that goofy smile (REAL ducks physically can’t smile, by the way) and bugged-out eyes lies the soul of a cold-blooded kitten kicker. Yet his campaign website states he “is a big fan of puppies and kittens.” It proves he can’t be trusted.

The Duck’s flock of lies is being investigated, and new research has been found that says he may actually be a goose from Canada—and an unduckumented citizen of the United States!

Finally, The Duck’s campaign slogan states “America needs a leader who isn’t afraid of not wearing pants.”

Nobody wants to see your puddles, Puddles.

As a concerned citizen of the Pac-12, I’m standing up for truth. I’m standing up for citizenship. I’m standing up for Elmer Fudd. I’m standing up for pants.

We need all 71,706 supporters to “Blackout The Duck” when he comes to Sun Devil Stadium on Oct. 18.

Rise up, ASU. Put a fork in The Duck-he’s as good as roasted.

-Sparky