THIS week, a man with a side parting who’s hoping to run the Labour Party said he wanted a “cold-eyed socialist revolution”.

Workers’ control of factories, all the animals are equal, anarcho-syndicalist communes.

The whole nine yards.

9 Hard-liner ... Which of the world's many failed socialist revolutions would Smith like to copy? Credit: PA:Press Association

And I’m sure that in sixth-form common rooms and the sort of cafes where they serve nuclear-free South African peace crisps, there was a lot of cheering and punching the air with delight.

“Yes,” they will have exclaimed into their polenta and soil smoothies, “Now both candidates in the Labour leadership election are hard-line, proper, old-school socialists!”

Yes indeed, just like Nicolas Maduro, the equally hard-line socialist who won power in the oil-rich state of Venezuela a couple of years ago.

He too dreamed of a utopia where the rich were taxed hard to pay for the poor.

And how’s that worked out for him?

9 Loopy leader ... You would have to be deranged to think Corbyn could lead Britain Credit: Getty Images

Not well, I’m afraid.

Things are so bad, in fact, that 50 animals in the capital’s zoo have now died of starvation.

Is this what the man with the side parting wants?

The stench of dead elephant blanketing the whole of central London?

Or maybe he favours the sort of cold-eyed socialism that was practised in Cuba.

Because that was a huge success, apart from the prostitution and the fact that even today, everyone has to make their brake fluid out of shampoo.

9 Cold-eyed revolution ... What choice do normal Labour voters have when presented with either leadership candidate but go to UKIP?

Oh, and then there was East German socialism, which called upon the army to shoot families that just wanted a bit of bread.

And Cambodian socialism, which called upon everyone to shoot everyone else for no particular reason at all.

And we mustn’t forget the daddy of cold-eyed socialists, Stalin.

He murdered 60 million people.

Ten times more than Hitler.

This is what both sides in the Labour leadership election have forgotten.

That socialism has been tried.

And it does not work.

So what are you supposed to do if you’re just an ordinary Labour voter?

Not a party member.

Not an activist.

Not a swivel-eyed polenta enthusiast.

Just an ordinary Joe who likes the idea of someone in Westminster having your back.

This is what the socialist fringe simply cannot get into their thick heads ... they are driving the silent masses into the arms of Britain’s Trump brigade

You don’t want either the man with the side parting or Jeremy Corbyn.

Because you’re not a complete, window-licking imbecile.

And you can’t bring yourself to vote Tory because your grandad would spin so fast in his grave, he’d emerge from the ground and pull your head off.

Which leaves you with what? Ukip, that’s what.

This is what the socialist fringe simply cannot get into their thick heads.

That while they try to out-Left each other to curry favour with the noisy minority, they are driving the silent masses into the arms of Britain’s Trump brigade.

Katie's motor is hard to miss

9 Pretty in pink ... Tracker device isn't really necessary Credit: Ross Parry Agency

IT seems a tracking device has been found on the Range Rover belonging to Katie Price, right, as part of a possible kidnap plot.

Er, why?

It’s not like it’s difficult to spot.

Speed camera's taking the mick

FIGURES obtained by The Sun show that in three years, Britain’s ten most prolific speed cameras have netted £30million in fines.

One, on the A10 in Cheshunt, Herts, has nabbed more than 38,000 motorists.

9 Speed demon ... Camera rakes in the cash, so that surely means it isn't working? Credit: Corbis

And that’s prompted critics to say that if a camera is supposed to be a deterrent, it can’t possibly be doing its job if 38,000 people haven’t even seen it.

I’d go further.

If everyone ignores a law, the law plainly must be wrong.

And if 38,000 people have broken the speed limit on the A10, the speed limit there is very obviously too low.



Boeing, Boeing, gone

THE Boeing 747 is one of the greatest machines ever made.

As Europe was working on Concorde, believing the future of air travel would be fast and glamorous, the Americans were working on the Jumbo Jet, believing the future would in fact be cheap and easy.

They were right.

9 Coming in to land ... Iconic 747 could soon be a thing of the past Credit: EPA

But now the big, four-engine design is thirsty compared to more modern alternatives and orders have fallen off a cliff.

So there’s talk the 747’s 46-year production run is about to end.

In that time, 1,500 have been made and, extraordinarily, not one has ever just crashed.

They have been shot down and there has been pilot error.

But never – and I’ll stand by this – has a jumbo gone catastrophically wrong of its own accord.

That is one hell of an achievement.



Knicker survey's a load of pants

IT began to seem this month that there was a hideous attack and a senseless loss of life somewhere in the world every two hours.

And in the middle of it all came a survey telling us women prefer to wear bikini-style briefs rather than a thong.

We were then told that black is the preferred colour and that red is not popular at all.

And THEN we learned that 19 per cent of women said they didn’t like to wear their favourite pants in case they had a spot of “bladder leakage”.

I’m not making this up.

A survey, as all hell broke loose around the world, was telling us that nearly one in five women live in fear of wetting themselves.

Needless to say, the survey was done by a company that makes incontipanties.

Trigger-lacky UK

9 Careful shots ... Armed police in Britain use their weapons at a fraction of the rate US cops do Credit: Getty Images

IT is one of the most incredible statistics I’ve ever heard.

In the past 12 months, the 6,000 police officers who are trained to use guns in Britain fired just seven shots.

Seven.

That’s about how many shots are fired by American policemen every two and a half minutes.



Melting pot Britain

AN extraordinary DNA study of 15,000 people to determine who we really are has found that those in East Anglia are 22 per cent French and that in the East Midlands they’re ten per cent Scandinavian.

Genetically, people in much of Wales and Scotland are actually Irish, while people from Yorkshire – and, er, that’d be me – are 41.7 per cent Anglo-Saxon, which means we are technically more British than anyone else.

Or does it?

Because while the Anglo-Saxons civilised Britain with literature, regional government and the invention of the shires, they actually came to these islands from northwestern Europe.

Which means that actually, I’m basically German.

Speak up Sophie, or else

A WOMAN complained to the BBC after the last General Election saying the graphics were impossible to understand for someone who is colour blind.

And now the BBC Trust has ordered the broadcaster to sharpen up its act in future.

9 Newsreader ... BBC's Sophie Raworth needs to speak up for my personal benefit Credit: Moonstone Films

Right.

Well, I’m getting a bit deaf in my old age and sometimes I can’t really hear what Sophie Raworth, above, is going on about when she’s reading the news.

So consider this an official complaint.

And make sure that in future she delivers the bulletin using a megaphone.

I know it will annoy everyone who isn’t deaf but I’m in a minority here and, therefore, I demand that action is taken.

Also, I’m not very good at tennis and it upsets me that the BBC broadcasts Wimbledon, a tournament for people who are.

So you can stop that as well, please.



Turk-up for the books

WE were warned, were we not, that political instability in the Middle East would cause millions of Turkish immigrants to arrive in Britain, leading to chaos?

And sure enough . . .

9 Super ants ... Critters are attracted to electricity, meaning they can ruin equipment Credit: Alamy

However, it turns out the Turkish immigrants are, in fact, ants.

Or, to be precise, a breed of super-ant, above, that has such a fondness for electricity it nests in junction boxes and causes fires.

If you see one, report it immediately to your nearest Ukip office.

Then go and have a kebab.