(Photo: Anthony Harris/Shutterstock Images)

It was about 1:30am, and my wife was asleep. She was several months pregnant, and had a real hard time getting to sleep in those days. When she would finally crash out, I’d give our dog a look of murder if she started grumbling like she was going to bark. I was surfing through whatever crappy television was on at this time of night, when it happened……..

DING-DONG

The dog goes nuts and starts barking. I shut her up and make my way to the door. I’m figuring it is either someone up to no good or really bad news. My porch light was out, as when I went to flick it, nothing came on. I slide the front door open enough for me stick my head through and peek out while still leaving the glass door shut.

There isn’t anybody in sight.

Given my mischievous childhood, and I quickly deduct what just happened. I just got ding dong ditched, or whatever other name you like to call it. Given my experience in this sector of prank-hood, I know one of two things is about to transpire:

1.) They are going to come back for a second pass

2.) They are going to peek out from somewhere to see if I answered the door yet

They choose option 2. Roughly 15 yards from my front door was a large hedge with a massive pine tree growing out of it. I see two little heads pop all quick like. Now………it is on.

I shove the front glass door open with a force that I’m sure startled them, but the worst was yet to come. I hadn’t been sleeping well, my wife hadn’t been sleeping well, and I think whatever brats are crouched on the other side of my hedge just woke her up. I’m pissed and about to make an absolute ass out of myself. Considering I’m in a “wife beater” tank top and basketball shorts, it didn’t help my case that I was dressed like I was auditioning for a show of C.O.P.S.

I let loose a verbal barrage of curse words and insults that would have made George Carlin take a step back. I can’t even see them completely yet. As I circle the bush, mid rant, I discover they are four girls, probably between the ages of 8 to 10. I’d love to tell you I had a change of heart right then and there, and sent the girls scurrying on their way, but the proverbial switch had already been flipped.

I keep on ranting and raving when half the party did what I would have done a long time earlier……….they ran for it. So two are dashing down the street and the other two are gripped with fear. As I get closer and closer to them, they figure out there was no sense missing out on the great idea their friends had moments earlier, and they proceeded to make their escape as well.

This just made me even more furious. I believe I said, “Oh f*** no you didn’t just run off.” I scurry over to my car, jump inside and gun it. I have a horseshoe driveway, and I fishtail out into the road. I’m sure it looked like one of those scenes in a movie where you see people being chased down by a car. You know the one, someone is running and you’re looking at their face and the headlights of a car gaining on them in the background.

I managed to catch up with Chubby within a few houses. She wasn’t near as fast as the rest of her friends and she’d already run out of gas. She’d given up her attempts of running and was just breathing heavily while walking toward God knows where. I still cant’ believe she didn’t try to hide, but so goes being an amateur prankster I guess.

I’m a bit more civil than I was earlier, and I’m guilt tripping her about my pregnant wife (like she cares). I keep asking her why she did it, when it hits me like a ton of bricks.

“Hey dumbass, you ever ring any door bells in the middle of the night and run off? This girl is trying to get away, not because she got caught, but she’s scared of the raving lunatic who just cussed and is now chasing her in his car.”

Crap. The heavy, warm feeling of realizing I am an asshole begins to sink in. Rage is now replaced with shame. I literally started apologizing to the girl from my car on the side of the road. I’d love to tell you she took it well and went on, but I’m sure that just convinced her furthermore of how crazy this guy was. I felt awful, and I laid in bed for two hours before I could finally doze off to sleep.

A couple of days later, I’m driving down my street on my way home from work. There is a girl standing with her mother, and it appears they must have been walking given their attire. I couldn’t tell you what any of the girls looked like, probably not even Chubby. But I knew at the moment I got close to their location that she was one of the girls by the absolute terror on her face. It wasn’t, “He’s going to kill me”, but rather, “That dude is about to tell my Mom”. As I rolled by with my window down, I made sure to slow up and wave real big. Being we are in a small town, the girl’s Mom waved back.

I call it a win-win situation in the end. Their parents didn’t find out what they did, and they’ll have a story to tell for years. I didn’t have the cops called on me and apparently my reputation has spread, because no kids have touched my doorbell late at night since.