WASHINGTON—Explaining that the updated procedure could prevent needless tragedies and save countless lives, officials from the National School Boards Association announced Thursday that new active-shooter drills would include practicing pleas to lawmakers to do something about this. “This new training exercise instructs students to lock classroom doors, barricade entry points, and then quietly use phones or other electronic devices to log into social media accounts and beg their elected representatives to take some sort of action,” said NSBA executive director Thomas J. Gentzel, adding that the new armed-assailant protocol trains students to practice using clear, direct, and plain language while imploring legislators to do their jobs and make this stop. “In a situation like this, every second counts, so it’s absolutely crucial for students to know where they should go online to frantically plead with lawmakers to act like compassionate human beings and do the right fucking thing for once in their lives.” At press time, Gentzel confirmed that the safest procedure would be for students to evacuate the country.

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