EVERY JOKE FROM HILLARY CLINTON AND DONALD TRUMP'S SPEECHES AT THE AL SMITH MEMORIAL FOUNDATION DINNER

Donald Trump:

On his temperament:

'Some people think this would be tough for me, but the truth is I'm actually a modest person.Very modest. Many people tell me that modesty is perhaps my best quality, even better than my temperament.'

On his hands:

'You know Cardinal Dolan and I have some things in common. For instance, we both run impressive properties on Fifth Avenue. Of course his is much more impressive than mine. That’s because I built mine with my own beautifully formed hands.'

On his inherited wealth:

'I know that so many of you in the archdiocese already have a place in your heart for a guy who started out as a carpenter working for his father. I was a carpenter working for mine.'

On his huge crowds:

'It’s great to be here with a thousand wonderful people, or, as I call it, a small intimate dinner with some friends. Or as Hillary calls it, her largest crowd of the season.'

On 'nasty' Hillary and Rosie O'Donnell:

'Last night, I called Hillary a "nasty woman". This stuff is all relative. After listening to Hillary rattle on and on, I don't think so badly of Rosie O'Donnell anymore. In fact, I'm actually starting to like Rosie a lot.'

On sending Hillary to jail:

'We have proven that we can actually be civil to each other. In fact, just before taking the dias, Hillary accidentally bumped into me and she, very civilly, said: "Pardon me."

'And I, very politely, said: "Let me talk to you about that after I get into office."

On his wife:

'The media is even more biased this year than ever before — ever. You want the proof?

'Michelle Obama made a speech and everyone loves it, it's fantastic.

'My wife, Melania, gives the exact same speech. And people get on her case.

'And I don't get it. I don't know why. And it wasn't her fault.'

On his relationship with Hillary:

'But the candidates have some light-hearted moments together, which is true. I have no doubt that Hillary is going to laugh quite a bit tonight, sometimes even at appropriate moments.'

'[Hillary] said if somehow she gets elected she wants me to be, without question, either her ambassador to Iraq or to Afghanistan. It’s my choice.'

'This is the first time ever, ever, that Hillary is sitting down and speaking to major corporate leaders and not getting paid for it.'

On the media:

'I know Hillary met my campaign manager, and I got the chance to meet the people who are working so hard to get her elected. There they are — the heads of NBC, CNN, ABC — there’s the New York Times, right over there, and the Washington Post.'

On Hillary's email scandal:

'I’d like to address an important religious matter: the issue of going to confession. Or, as Hillary calls it, the Fourth of July weekend with FBI Director Comey.'

'Now, I’m told Hillary went to confession before tonight’s event, but the priest was having a hard time, when he asked about her sins, and she said she couldn’t remember 39 times.'

'I wasn’t really sure if Hillary was going to be here tonight, because I guess you didn’t send her invitation by email. Or, maybe, you did and she just found out about it through the wonder of WikiLeaks.

On Hillary getting debate questions in advance:

'Now some of you haven’t noticed, Hillary isn’t laughing as much as the rest of us. That’s because she knows the jokes. And all of the jokes were given to her in advance of the dinner by Donna Brazile.'

Hillary Clinton:

On her health:

'This is such a special event that I took a break from my rigorous nap schedule to be here.'

'Donald is very worried about my health. He sent a car for me tonight. Actually, it was a hearse'.

'My heart rate is 72 beats per minute, his is the most beats ever, or the least beats ever, whichever sounds best. But Donald really is as healthy as a horse, you know, the one Vladimir Putin rides around on.'

On the divided GOP:

'Every year, this dinner brings together a collection of sensible, committed, mainstream Republicans — or, as we now like to call them — Hillary supporters.

'So tonight, let’s embrace the spirit of the evening. Let’s come together. Remember what unites us and just rip on Ted Cruz'

On her and Wall Street:

'And as you’ve already heard, it’s a treat for all of you too, because usually I charge a lot for speeches like this.'

'It is great, also, to see Mayor Bloomberg here. It’s a shame he’s not speaking tonight. I’m curious to hear what a billionaire has to say.'

On the debates:

'So as I’ve said, we’ve now had our third and, thankfully, final debate. Sharing a stage with Donald Trump is like, well, nothing really comes to mind.

'And looking back, I’ve had to listen to Donald for three full debates. And he says I don’t have any stamina.That is four and a half hours. I have now stood next to Donald Trump longer than any of his campaign manager.

'Your Eminence, you were criticized for inviting both Donald and me here tonight, and you responded by saying “If I only sat down with those who were saints, I’d be taking all my meals alone.”

'Now, just to be clear, I think the Cardinal is saying I’m not eligible for sainthood. But getting through these three debates with Donald has to count as a miracle. '

'So I guess I’m up against the highest, hardest stained-glass ceiling.'

On the Muslim ban:

'And if Donald does win, it will be awkward at the annual President’s Day photo, when all the former presidents gather at the White House, and not just with Bill.How is Barack going to get past the Muslim ban?

On the 'basket of deplorables':

'Now, I’ve got to say, there are a lot of friendly faces here in this room; people that I’ve been privileged to know and to work with. I just want to put you all in a basket of adorables.

On her fashion:

'And you look so good in your tuxes; or, as I refer to them, formal pantsuits.'

On the 'rigged' election:

'You know, come to think of it, it’s amazing I’m up here after Donald. I didn’t think he’d be okay with a peaceful transition of power.

On Mike Pence:

'And, Donald, after listening to your speech, I will also enjoy listening to Mike Pence deny that you ever gave it.

On Trump's interruptions

'And, you know, because this is a friendly dinner for such a great cause; Donald, if at any time, you don’t like what I’m saying feel free to stand up and shout “Wrong!” while I’m talking.'

On the attractiveness of the Statue of Liberty:

'People look at the Statue of Liberty and they see a proud symbol of our history as a nation of immigrants, a beacon of hope for people around the world.

'Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a four. Maybe a five if she removes the torch and tablet and changes her hair.'

On Rudy Giuliani

'Now, many don’t know this, but Rudy actually got his start as a prosecutor going after wealthy New Yorkers who avoided paying taxes. But, as the saying goes, “If you can’t beat them, go on Fox News and call them a genius.”'

On Trump's tweets:

Others Clinton gags included: 'Regardless of the outcome, this race will be historic. We'll either have the first female president or the first president who started a Twitter war with Cher.'

On her 'drug use':

'Donald wanted me drug tested before last night's debate. I am so flattered that Donald thought I used some sort of performance enhancer. Now actually, I did. It's called preparation.'

On her sense of humor:

'Now, I’m going to try my best tonight, but I understand I am not known for my sense of humor. That’s why it did take a village to write these jokes.'

'People say — and I hear them, I know — they say I’m boring compared to Donald. But I’m not boring at all. In fact, I’m the life of every party I attend and I’ve been to three.'

'And when the parties get out of hand, as occasionally they do, it’s important to have a responsible chaperone who can get everyone home safely. And that is why I picked Tim Kaine to be my Vice President.'

On Trump and Russia

'Now, you notice there is no teleprompter here tonight, which is probably smart, because maybe you saw Donald dismantle his prompter the other day. And I get that. They’re hard to keep up with, and I’m sure it’s even harder when you’re translating from the original Russian.'

On her relationship with the press:

'And look at this dais — we’ve got Charlie Rose, and Maria Bartiromo, and Chris Matthews, and Gayle King, and Nora O’Donnell, and Katie Couric — this counts as a press conference, right?'

On Kellyanne Conway: