I can't begin to tell you how thrilling this is for me. I love football. I love watching the two best teams in the country knock each other down for four grueling quarters, or, assuming those teams suffered fluke playoff losses, then I'm sort of OK with watching Baltimore play San Francisco instead. But what I'm most excited about are the commercial breaks. After all, the Super Bowl didn't become the most-watched television event of the year because people really like the game. No, the heartbeat of America isn't football; it's consumerism.



The game even starts with money.

And like Coca-Cola, Anheuser-Busch, Lexus, and Geico, I intend to make a little money this Sunday. I never bet on the game itself, but I will absolutely make prop bets on commercials, since the odds are always in my favor. See, I don't have DIRECT TiVo or On Demand, which means that throughout the rest of the year, I consume shows the old-fashioned way. While you were off enjoying recorded episodes of The Walking Dead or burning through five seasons of Breaking Bad all at once, I was sitting through T-Mobile and Tampax commercials, finding patterns, growing stronger. Now that everyone is forced to watch live network television again for one day out of the year, all the knowledge I've accrued is finally relevant. I have immediate home field advantage in every side bet because I know exactly what to expect from the Super Bowl ads long before they air, and now I want to pass that knowledge along to you. So go forth and take your friends' money.