When we are at the end of our ropes, it can be incredibly hard to stay calm when our children do or say something that is upsetting. Self-talk can so quickly shout negative messages in our minds like, “I can’t take this anymore,” or “I don’t have time for this!”

It is important for us to not let these kinds of negative messages move from our thoughts to our voice. Doing so is likely to get everyone worked up, and create a sense of counterwill in our children. Dr. Gordon Neufeld coined this term, which represents the phenomenon that happens when a person feels an instinctual drive to do the opposite of what they are being asked to do. This drive is inherent in us to keep us safe by not following instructions from someone who might have harmful intentions, but we don’t want to trigger this drive when, for example, we are trying to get out of the door in the morning.

There are two important factors, which reduce counterwill and increase cooperation in children:

1) That they feel a positive, loving connection with the person who is giving the instructions, and 2) That these instructions are delivered in a clear, supportive, and encouraging way.

One of the best ways to accomplishing these goals when emotions flare is to have phrases ready ahead of time that you can rely on to get you through rough patches. Saying something like, “You make me SO MAD,” might be what we are thinking, but these words are sure to stir upset feelings in your child.

Instead, phrases that acknowledge the child’s emotions (validate), demonstrate you are paying attention (attune), help the child manage his or her feelings (affect management), and problem solve will have a much more positive effect.

When a child feels heard and supported, (s)he can let go of the anger and move into the more deep emotion that triggered the melt-down, which (unless it is due to a compromised state) is often sadness. That shift from anger to sadness will allow the strong emotion to process and everyone to feel better.

15 phrases to say instead of “You make me so mad.”

These phrases will encourage calming down and rational thinking from everyone. I am grateful that several of my parenting educator colleagues have offered their expertise for this list.

The last five phrases are from my Taming Tantrums App, which you can find in your iPhone or Android App Store. Do you have phrases that work well in your family? I’d love to hear those: please post them on my Facebook page or here in the comments below.

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