Welcome, graduates, and thank you for that kind reception. I’d like to pass on to you today what wisdom I have learned from my own experiences in the workforce and what you can expect as you venture out into the world. I’ll make this short. I know you have parties to get to.

First off, let me say that for most of you, your presence here today as university graduates has little to do with you pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Rare is the student who rises out of abject poverty to receive his or her university degree. Statistically speaking, you are products of your family’s background and economic class, the variations of which can be measured by the size of your student loan. The beliefs that class mobility exists, that hard work and perseverance are assured paths to success, and that anyone can grow up to be prime minister are largely just that — beliefs. I’m not saying that those things aren’t possible. I am saying that they are, again, statistically improbable. Barring illness or catastrophe, the course of your economic and professional lives have, by and large, been predetermined (although there is always room on the bell curve for examples of exceptionalism). Don’t let this thought bum you out. You’re university graduates. You’re the lucky ones. You’ll be okay — other than those, possibly, graduating with a Fine Arts degree.

Secondly, you heard from several speakers preceding me on this stage today who insisted that money isn’t everything. With all due respect to that sentiment, I would point out that those speakers all earn well over six figures. And while what they say is true — money is, indeed, not everything — I would suggest to you that one would have to be naive to think that it doesn’t take up a whole lot of room. Studies have shown that people with money are happier, healthier and feel more fulfilled in their lives than those who are less affluent. And the idea that the affluent are miserable and made unhappy by their wealth is, by and large, the wishful thinking of the envious. Money might not buy happiness, but it does enlarge the potential for it, in that a Maui condo in which you spend the winter months is more conducive to happiness than a basement apartment. You should keep that in mind.

Thirdly, Ecclesiastes (you can Google it) was right: The race does not necessarily go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. You will be disheartened to learn that they don’t even necessarily go to the smartest or most talented. If they did, how does one explain the Kardashians, or Fifty Shades of Grey? How do we account for Greece or the subprime meltdown? And while the 4.0 grade point average you succeeded in pulling off in university is all very nice — and good for you for working so hard — in the real world they mark differently. Can you run a meeting? Do you know how to tell a joke? Can you suck up to the boss without appearing to be an ass-kisser? Better yet, are you related to the boss? Are you good-looking, or taller, or in better physical shape? If you are, studies have shown you will be more likely to enjoy success than your more mundane-looking colleagues. Is this unfair? Yes. You were expecting otherwise?