Guys, I’m having a tough go. The flu season has brought some revelations. Our bedroom started dying about 3 years into our marriage (been married 6 total). We have 2 small kids. In the past year, my wife has been careful to avoid any prolonged affection, because she thinks it will lead to sex. This has left me feeling dreadful.

I got the flu 2 weeks ago, and it hit me very hard. She was really wonderful to me during that time. She made sure I stayed in bed and didn’t try to work, brought me every meal, flu relief, tea, tissue, and anything else I might want/need. But the most amazing part of it all was how affectionate she became (knowing I would not initiate sex while on my flu deathbed). It’s like the knowledge that sex was off the table let her get close to me again. She would give me massages, head rubs, foot rubs, kisses on the head and neck, and would cuddle up to me for hours and hold hands and just kind of soothe me to asleep. She touched my body more in that week than she had the whole year. It was so nice. I almost considered faking a few more days so that it would continue.

But of course the second I’m healthy, it’s back to the norm. 3 second closed mouth kiss. Limited cuddles. Limited physical affection. No touching in bed because she’s “too hot” (yet she wasn’t too hot to touch me for hours while I had a major fever?)

First things first, I know I’m not without blame.

I have gained weight, meanwhile she still looks the same as she did on our wedding day. I used to play basketball with friends and lift weights, but I got so busy with work, I stopped. I started snacking more, due to being depressed about the dead bedroom. I mindlessly snack on chips, M&M’s and ice-cream. I’m not obese, and I’m 6 ft 1 so I carry the weight decently. But I’m not the athletic dude I was. Now, I’ve breached the subject a few times, and she always tells me she thinks I look great and seems genuinely horrified that I might think otherwise. She does compliment me quite often, which is nice. She’ll say, “Honey, you look so handsome in that shirt,” before I leave for work. It gives me hope that maybe something will happen when I get back. It doesn’t. She’ll say to our daughter, “Isn’t daddy so handsome?” It’s all nice words, but I’d prefer actions.

I have become boring. I know this. Sometimes my own company bores me, so how can I expect my wife to be excited about me? I’ve just settled into this work/home/eat routine, and all my brain really processes in the day is work, and then I come home and do more work so I can take my mind off the dead bedroom. We try to maintain a social life, get-togethers with friends and family, date nights for us, but it’s not as often as we used to, and when we do I’m often too tired from work to contribute much mentally. She says that physically I’m there, but that mentally I check out, and she often asks me if I’m depressed. I don’t think I am, besides about the dead bedroom.



We do have two small kids, and I know she puts quite a lot of her energy into them. Since we’ve had kids we decided it would be best if she was a stay at home mom, and I feel like even though she does love it and she’s very nurturing, being at home and leaving her career behind has contributed to the libido issue. When I ask if she’d like to work something out so that she could get back to work, she will think about it but then decide that the kids are better off with her than in a daycare. And she says she does enjoy keeping the house in order and managing the kids’ time, etc. And the kids really are flourishing well, I have no complaints about them, she’s doing a great job. They’re both very well behaved, curious, inquisitive, intelligent, and sweet.

At this point I’d say we’re having sex once/twice a month. Honestly, all it would take to make me completely content is if we had sex once a week, and if she felt comfortable showing me affection throughout the week. Ideally, I would want sex a few times a week, but I would be completely content with once if it was consistent.

I don’t want to be the whiny, needy guy who keeps moaning about sex to his wife. The couple of times I have brought it up, she acknowledges and blames it on her schedule, and feeling tired, but says she will try harder and she’s sorry for being a terrible wife. Then, nothing changes. Most of my initiation is met with “Mm, let’s try tomorrow.”

Anyway, just figured I’d write all this out and get some advice from you amazing people. I’m usually on here a few times a week, following some of the stories and the rare progress post. It’s a blessing we at least have this community. I haven’t been able to discuss this at depth with people, besides a few guy friends who say that marriage also killed their sex life.