THE PENTAGON — Embattled Hollywood icon and pudding pop aficionado Bill Cosby will be forced to resign at the pay-grade of O-5, reflecting his many years of service to the U.S. Navy as an honorary chief, a Navy spokesman revealed today.

Cosby, who enlisted in the Navy in 1956, was discharged honorably after four years as a seaman. He was convicted last week on three counts of dishonorably discharged semen.

“We announce with heavy hearts that, after disgracing himself and his service, the Navy can no longer affiliate itself with Mr. Cosby,” said Navy spokesman Dillon West. “He is being punished accordingly, by being forced to accept benefits and pension at the O-5 pay-grade.”

Cosby’s is a unique case, because he’s the first enlisted man to earn officer-level benefits after being convicted of heinous misconduct. According to West, Navy leadership looked at how the military has treated misconduct at its highest ranks in the past to determine how best to punish Cosby.

“In keeping with one of our longest military traditions, an O-5 pension is the only punishment shameful enough for someone with Cosby’s connections, fame, and status,” West said.

“We look to examples like Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair (USA), Gen. Arthur Lichte (USAF), Gen. William “Kip” Ward (USA), Gen. David Petraeus (USA), Col. Todd Shane Tomko (USMC), Maj. Gen. David Hale (USA), Rear Adm. Kenneth “K.J.” Norton (USN), Maj. Gen. Wayne Grigsby (USA), Maj. Gen. James Grazioplene (USA), Brig. Gen. Michael White (USA), Maj. Gen. David Haight (USA), Brig. Gen. Michael Bobeck (USA), Maj. Gen. Joseph Harrington (USA), Rear Adm. David Baucom (USN), Rear Adm. Richard C. Macke (USN), Rear Adm. Timothy Giardina (USN), Cmdr. Michael Ward II (USN), and countless other military leaders either still serving or drawing a military pension after wiping their asses with the honor of their respective services.”

At press time, an O-5 pension was calculated to be worth approximately $3.2 million. When asked whether they felt Cosby’s discharge was fair, several enlisted servicemembers responded, “ain’t that the darndest thing?”