LEADING a dull suburban life with a mortgage and two children is now a phenomenal achievement, everyone has agreed.

Modern life has become so challenging that ‘averageness’ is now considered an ambition on a par with becoming an acclaimed novelist, professional sportsperson or successful entrepreneur.

Part-time barista Tom Logan said: “I know a guy who’s got a two bedroom semi, a Vauxhall Corsa and a fairly generous pension. To me he may as well be Alan Sugar.

“I’d love all the trappings of success, like a garden and 2.4 children at the local comprehensive, but the only way an ordinary person like me could afford all that is by winning the lottery or becoming a drug dealer.”

Economist Donna Sheridan said: “The dire state of the job market means that people who were once mocked for their unexciting careers are now, relatively speaking, incredibly successful.

“It’s increasingly common for attractive young women to go to nightclubs with the intention of bagging themselves an accountant or geography teacher.”

Factory supervisor Roy Hobbs said: “With my small detached house, ‘luxury’ caravan and three ISAs, I’m living the dream, although not a very interesting one.

“My advice is to have the purely coincidental good fortune to buy a house just before a massive property boom that fucks everyone else.”