The Impotent Satyr

"It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh trading card game tournaments down here, right under our noses, using cards that have been banned globally. Poor Officer Daniels found a 40 card deck stuffed with seven Pot of Greeds and all 5 pieces of Exodia the Forbidden One. For Christ's sake, those cards have been banned from tournament play since 2003!"





Daniels, the freshest face in the OPD, could be seen with tears streaming down his face under a blanket, and rocking back-and-forth in the back of an ambulance.





"Check out what we found in this hollowed-out stump," Roberts calls out, waving us over to a spot inside the encampment. "Unlicensed Adobe products--these people make me sick."





Daniels had wiped his tears away and seemed to be feeling emotionally well enough to talk.





"Over there, near that rocky crop," Daniels pointed out to us, "I found at least a dozen VHS copies of Monday Night Football games without any written permission from the NFL." Daniels dry heaved at the mere remembrance. "These are the worst kind of criminals."





"I just don't want these people tempting my kids," cited one concerned citizen who doesn't live nearby, but lets her dog poop on the curb strip two blocks away. "I don't want these vagabonds luring our children into a life of playing online shooters on low graphics settings so as to see opposing players who would normally be hidden behind bushes and tall grass. Not in my backyard LAN."





"Look at that trash--coffee containers, everywhere," read an irate email we received from Ivan Churout, a man who owns an extensive collection of Bonnie Raitt music and hasn't been downtown since Darby's was on 5th. "None of it is fair trade or ethically sourced. We are housing domestic terrorists. If dreams were thunder and lightning was desire, this old house would've burned down a long time ago."