Any true Bravo fan can relate to the excitement of hearing the Housewives’ new taglines at the beginning of each season.

How cliche will they be?

Which one will be the most clever?

Who will be throwing shade in their opening remarks?

WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I wish that this same excitement transferred over to new seasons of Vanderpump Rules. Don’t get me wrong: there is plenty to look forward to each season. (I mean, have you seen this dumpster fire of a season?) But some snarky taglines would surely be the icing on the cake. Naturally, I took it upon myself to draft taglines for the current cast of Vanderpump Rules:

Jax

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My nose is a microcosm of my life: a work in progress. Very, very slow progress.

Scheana

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I don’t have shame about sleeping with married men, but I do have shame about the man I married.

Stassi

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I’m the original witch of West Hollywood. I don’t have skeletons in my closet… just voodoo dolls.

Kristen

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Everyone in this town is trying to be famous. Luckily, I’m already infamous.

Katie

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Summer bodies are overrated; these hips look good 365 days a year.

Schwartz

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Don’t let the apathy fool you; I have many passions, and most of them involve Jäger.

Lala

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Haters listen up: my mom doesn’t pay my rent anymore…. my daddy does. 😏

Sandoval

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Behind the bar I’ve mastered the pour and out of all my friends, I’ve got the best contour.

Ariana

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I may not put out, but I’m quick to put you in check.

James Kennedy

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While you spend time analyzing where I fall on the Kinsey scale, I’ll be securing my place as white Kanye.

Brittany

Giphy

Getting cheated on isn’t fun, but cashing Vanderpump checks sure is.

Peter

I may still be fighting for a spot in the credits, but at least give me some credit for putting up with these fools for years.

I can’t be the only one who would love to see the VPR cast have taglines in their intros. Who else is with me?