miko31096:

So I began watching some LGBT films to help pass the time and see what hot icon I could fantasize when I came upon a movie called ‘Eat With Me’

Eat with me begins with an Asian mother who seeks her son when she goes through what appears to be a divorce or separation from her husband. Her son lets her live with him and during this time, we see that the mother is slightly neurotic, cleaning constantly and always looking to busy herself. Her son, a cook, makes a living working at a Chinese restaurant that is not doing so well. The movie progresses and we see that the relationship is strained between these two, the son seeking love through short hook ups and his mother failing to truly come to terms with her son’s sexuality.

And that’s where I stop the film. I pause and can’t seem to continue. Watching the film makes me feel… embarrassed? Uncomfortable? Dare I say, ashamed? As though I have seen several LGBT films, this one has hit a strange mark within the ballpark of my own life. I guess the most striking scene in the movie (I have seen so far) was an interaction where the son and mother go to get some tacos together. The mother, played by Sharon Omi, “confronts” her son about the gay magazines she’s found in his apartment and asks the question “Do you have a friend?”. The son soon corrects her by clarifying “Do you mean a boyfriend?”

This resonated with me immensely because it was as though they had stolen a scene from my own life. As a burgeoning gay Asian male, my mother has used this exact phrase with me one time. However what differed was not the set, but my response. I knew what my mother meant when she said that and I said “No”. This reaction, in retrospect, translated to me saying “No and I’m too embarrassed to talk about my gayness and make you happy”.

I haven’t shared my coming out story with the internet and at the moment, I don’t intend to. But the importance of where I am is what concerns me because it has been 2 years since that time. While I’m grateful for the lengths my parents have gone to still show their love, I am retracting and enclosing myself. While seeking solace in these films, I am slowly closing myself to my reality. I feel as though I can never be myself because I won’t let myself and this concerns me.

I share this story because I want answers and seeking them from within has yielded nothing. As a mental health advocate, it’s time to take my own advice and seek some guidance for my own sanity. So internet, help