CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

As of this morning, there had been 454 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in Australia, including 78 in Queensland. The Sunshine state has jumped up ten cases since Tuesday, which may have been caused by Peter Dutton bringing it back into the country from his recent trip overseas.

While major hospitals are currently dragging trainee nurses into the field in preparation for the influx to come, extra efforts are being made to keep country towns quarantined from any inner-city visitors that may be infected.

Rural and regional Australians are being urged to immediately implement simple hygiene and social distancing tactics to help limit the spread of coronavirus.

Remote North Queensland Aboriginal communities like Palm Island is pleading for non-essential visitors and sick locals to stay away in a bid to protect vulnerable residents from coronavirus.

In the Gulf Country, things aren’t much different, with Federal Member Bob Katter III MP staying very vigilant in these ‘uncertain times’.

Speaking to The Betoota Advocate today, Mr Katter told our reporters that while Morrison is bumbling over whether or not schools should be closed, he’s called it upon himself to implement martial law in the Kennedy Electorate.

“Little Johnny Howard tried to take away all our guns… But he didn’t get all of them” said the Honourable Bob Katter today.

“I will protect the elderly and immunocompromised people of the Queensland Back Country by any means necessary”

Our interview was then cut short after Bob heard the faint hack of someone coughing several blocks away from his Mt Isa Electorate office.

“Follow me” he said, rushing to his state-compliant gun safe.

“Oi!” he says, turning around and glaring at our reporters.

“1.5 metres, gentlemen”

After reminding our staff about the proper protocol for social distancing, Mr Katter grabbed his treasured 12 gauge shotgun from the safe next to his desk and directed us to the street outside.

Within seconds Katter had loaded his rifle and was firing shots in the air.

“Come on city boys!” he yelled in his squeaky rural accent.

“Who brought this bat flu to The Isa!?”

*gunshots*

“You’re gonna do some prayin’ for me, boy!”

*gunshots*

“Come here, piggy, piggy, piggy.”

As Mr Katter scanned his immediate surroundings with an Eastwood-like scowl, the streets remained silent. That is, except for the gasps of two elderly women pushing their walking frames on the other side of the Barkly Highway.

“Robert!” yelled one of the pensioners.

“Settle down. No one has the coronavirus up here yet”

Katter changed his tune immediately.

“Sorry Berryl” he said, in a bashful tone.

“Can’t be too careful, you know.”

“How are you going for toilet paper anyway? Want me to send Robbie around with some paper bark. We got plenty of it at home”

The exchange between Bob Katter and the elderly women lasted roughly 45 minutes and finished with the Member For Kennedy explaining that if he had the chance he would have put that freemarketeer Paul Keating in a cattle crush back in the early nineties.

At time of press, Bob Katter was forcing our intern to learn every lyric to Slim Dusty’s Three Rivers Hotel, while eating arrowroot biscuits dipped in margarine.