OPEN ON BLACK

A glowing red title card fades in:

CHOCULA UNTOLD

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE - DAY

A gothic castle towers over medieval houses.

CAPTION: "Flavorvania, Year of Our Lord 1971"

EXT. CASTLE - DAY

The VILLAGERS have excitedly gathered. High above them, a

HERALD and two TRUMPETERS step out onto a balcony.

HERALD

Greetings, one and all! I present

to you Prince Vanillula!

The Trumpeters play a fanfare as lanky, pale PRINCE BRAD

VANILLULA steps out to greet the cheering crowd.

VANILLULA

Good morning, my loyal subjects! I

bid you a happy St. Breakfast Day!

The villagers pump their fists, each one gripping a spoon.

The Herald wheels a crate up next to Vanillula and opens it,

revealing it to be full of cereal.

VANILLULA

Every one of you is welcome to two

whole servings of Vanilla Almond

Crunch, with your choice of fruit!

The villagers cheer again and start chanting Vanillula's

name, but they are cut short when an explosion sends several

flying into the air.

VANILLULA

What's that? Who's exploding my

loyal subjects?

A stallion gallops out from the smoke. Atop the steed rides

the walrus-'stached, cowboy-hat-wearing WILFORD BRIMLEY.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, bringing

you an important message from Lord

Quakerman!

The villagers scream in terror and run for their lives.

VANILLULA

Sir Brimley, why do you disrupt my

celebration? Have we not had years

of peaceful relations with the

Oattoman Empire?

WILFORD BRIMLEY

We've gotten word that y'all are

addin' crap to our pure oats.

VANILLULA

We agreed to never add any

processed sugar, and we've honored

that agreement.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

You been addin' all that fruit an'

crap. That's a slippery slope. It

ain't the right thing to do.

VANILLULA

Would it please Lord Quakerman if

we cut down on the fruit?

WILFORD BRIMLEY

You can cut the fruit completely

out, goddamn it! We will not

tolerate contamination of our oats!

VANILLULA

Fine.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

No vanilla either!

VANILLULA

What?! Guards! Attack!

The castle doors open and a troop of GUARDS marches out.

Wilford Brimley backflips off his horse, takes a deep breath,

and exhales a giant fireball that incinerates them all.

VANILLULA

Shit.

Vanillula pats the Herald's shoulder.

VANILLULA

I'll be right back.

He runs inside.

HERALD

Your Highness? Where are you -

Wilford Brimley leaps into the air and lands on the balcony,

where he immediately grabs the Trumpeters' trumpets in each

hand and rams them through their heads.

HERALD

My god!

The Herald turns to run. Wilford Brimley jumps in front of

him and grabs him by the throat.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Where's your prince hiding?

HERALD

(choking)

He's...probably...leaving...the

castle. Please...spare me...

Wilford Brimley roars like a lion and eats the Herald's head

in one bite.

BEHIND THE CASTLE

A secret panel in the castle wall slides open and Vanillula

runs out.

VANILLULA

God, this sucks!

WILFORD BRIMLEY (O.S.)

(echoing)

This castle is ours now!

VANILLULA

Shit.

He runs into the brush.

EXT. BRUSH - DAY

Vanillula stumbles through bushes and tall grass.

VANILLULA

"No fruit." "No vanilla." Blah

blah blah. Big stupid jerk.

A monk, FRANKLIN, leans out from behind a huge tree,

startling Vanillula.

FRANKLIN

Hello, Your Highness.

VANILLULA

Brother Franklin! Wilford Brimley

invaded my castle!

FRANKLIN

I know, I heard him. He's very

loud. You can hide out here with

me and the other Fruit Monks in our

secret shelter.

INT. TREE - DAY

Three other monks, BOB, BRUCE, and MANNY, sit inside the

hollow, lantern-lit tree. Franklin and Vanillula squeeze in

through an opening.

BOB

Look, it's the Prince!

BOB/BRUCE/MANNY

All hail Prince Vanillula!

VANILLULA

Yeah, hi.

FRANKLIN

Would you like some fresh fruit,

Your Highness? I recommend the

strawberries.

BOB

Blueberries are the best, though.

BRUCE

No! My favorite fruit is the best!

Whatever that is! I forget!

MANNY

Me too!

VANILLULA

I'll eat anything, as long as it

has some vanilla extract injected

into it.

FRANKLIN

Oh, I'm afraid we're out of that.

VANILLULA

What?

MANNY

We weren't able to get a new supply

from the castle before the

invasion.

VANILLULA

Shit. Well I'm gonna have to go

get magical powers and get my

castle back.

Vanillula leaves the tree.

FRANKLIN

Wait, Your Highness!

EXT. TREE - DAY

Franklin follows Vanillula outside.

FRANKLIN

Where are you going?

VANILLULA

Rotten Tooth Mountain, of course.

FRANKLIN

But that's where the dreaded

Alcocoamist resides! The evil

master of dark chocolate arts!

It's much too dangerous!

VANILLULA

Sometimes you have to deal with

chocolate to get vanilla.

FRANKLIN

What?

VANILLULA

I must away!

Vanillula marches off.

FRANKLIN

But we have strawberries!

Strawberries!

Bob sticks his head out of the tree.

BOB

And blueberries!

FRANKLIN

Shut up, Bob!

EXT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - NIGHT

By the light of a full moon, Vanillula climbs the rocky

slope, lifting himself onto a jagged ledge leading to the

mouth of a cave.

INT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - CAVE - NIGHT

Vanillula enters the dim cavern.

VANILLULA

Alcocoamist! I know you're in

here! I demand you show yourself!

The ALCOCOAMIST, a hooded, cloaked man, lurches from the

shadows and pushes Vanillula against a wall.

ALCOCOAMIST

Who are you?!

VANILLULA

I...I am Prince Vanillula.

The Alcocoamist hurls Vanillula across the cave. Vanillula

slams into the opposite wall and drops to the floor.

ALCOCOAMIST

Why have you entered my domain?!

Vanillula staggers to a stand.

VANILLULA

My castle was taken over by Wilford

Brimley and the Oattoman Empire. I

have come to offer you a deal.

ALCOCOAMIST

What could you possibly offer me?

VANILLULA

If you help me defeat the

Oattomans, I will grant you a tract

of land where you can practice your

vile wickedness.

The Alcocoamist moves in close.

ALCOCOAMIST

And what are you willing to endure

for my help?

VANILLULA

I would do anything to secure my

vanilla reserves.

The Alcocoamist pulls his hood back. His head is one big

block of chocolate fudge. Vanillula winces in repulsion at

the horrendous sight.

ALCOCOAMIST

Are you willing to forsake your

devotion to your precious vanilla

in order to save it?

VANILLULA

I...well...do I have to?

The Alcocoamist produces a cereal bowl from his cloak in one

hand and a dagger in the other.

ALCOCOAMIST

I spent most of my life harnessing

the power of the brown sweetness.

I paid the price for it when karma

placed this curse upon my head.

He shoves the bowl into Vanillula's hands and slices his palm

with the dagger. The wound bleeds chocolate syrup, which he

drizzles into the bowl.

ALCOCOAMIST

Drink this, and you will obtain the

power to defeat your enemies.

VANILLULA

But will I turn into a fudgehead?

ALCOCOAMIST

No.

VANILLULA

Okay!

Vanillula drinks the chocolate syrup, then drops to his knees

clutching his stomach.

VANILLULA

Oh god! Such a stomach ache! Too

much sugar! I can't take it!

ALCOCOAMIST

Yes! Let it flow through you!

Veins bulge on Vanillula's forehead. His hair straightens up

into two peaks.

VANILLULA

What's...happening...to...me?

He screams in agony. A brown cape materializes from the back

of his collar and wraps around him like a cocoon.

ALCOCOAMIST

Now you shall be reborn as

something more powerful than you

could ever imagine!

The cape flies open, and Vanillula shoots to his feet, now

fully transformed into the one and only CHOCULA.

CHOCULA

What is this?! I'm a monster!

ALCOCOAMIST

It's only temporary.

CHOCULA

Oh, okay.

ALCOCOAMIST

That is, as long as you can resist

this.

The Alcocoamist pulls a rock from the wall, releasing a thick

amber substance that flows into a trench in the cave floor.

CHOCULA

Corn syrup! Satan's nectar!

ALCOCOAMIST

Yes. If you can resist ingesting

it for three days, you'll return to

your regular vanilla-centric self.

CHOCULA

All right.

ALCOCOAMIST

But if you give in, you'll be stuck

in your new form forever, and my

curse will be lifted, leaving me

free to go out in public without

everyone making fun of me.

The Alcocoamist's fudge-block head suddenly transforms into

that of a middle-aged man's.

ALCOCOAMIST

I - Wait, what happened?

He turns to see Chocula on his hands and knees, slurping the

corn syrup from the trench.

CHOCULA

Mmm! Oh, sorry. Were you still

talking?

ALCOCOAMIST

My curse is lifted! Mwahahaha!

The Alcocoamist transforms into a hail of chocolate raindrops

that fly past Chocula.

ALCOCOAMIST (O.S.)

See ya, sucker!

Chocula shrugs. He takes a canteen out and fills it with

corn syrup.

EXT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - NIGHT

Chocula walks out from the cave onto the ledge.

CHOCULA

I'm coming to get you, Brimley!

He bursts into a swarm of bat-shaped marshmallows and flies

into the sky.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

A horse-drawn carriage approaches the massive front doors.

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Wilford Brimley throws open the doors with his bare hands and

steps aside as the carriage enters.

Wilford Brimley opens the carriage door, and out steps

EMPEROR REGINALD QUAKERMAN, a man dressed in Colonial clothes

and sporting luscious white locks.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Welcome to yer new castle, my Lord.

QUAKERMAN

Very good. I shall add it to my

list of properties.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

I prepared somethin' in honor of

yer arrival.

Wilford Brimley walks over to a large curtain and pulls it

back to reveal the four Fruit Monks, restrained by ropes,

hanging over four tanks filled with water and mashed fruit.

FRANKLIN

Let us go, you bastard!

BOB

You can't do this to us!

WILFORD BRIMLEY

These here are the miscreants what

been sullying yer oats.

QUAKERMAN

Very good. I presume their

punishment will be severe.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Each'll be drowned in the fruit

that they specialized in. One'll

get strawberries, another'll get

blueberries, and the other two'll

get...uh, I think limes an' oranges

or somethin'.

QUAKERMAN

Splendid!

BRUCE

Prince Vanillula will save us!

MANNY

Yeah!

The marshmallow bats fly in through the windows and reform

into Chocula.

CHOCULA

Hold it right there!

BRUCE

See!

QUAKERMAN

Sir Brimley, is this the prince who

used to rule this land? You didn't

tell me he was a wizard.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Fancy tricks won't save you,

Vanillula!

CHOCULA

I'm no longer Vanillula. I am

now...Chocolatula!

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Choco-whoza-what?

CHOCULA

I'll revise it later! But right

now it's time for you to die!

Chocula screams and barrels toward Wilford Brimley.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Oh yeah? Well take this!

The ends of Wilford Brimley's moustache aim forward and spray

Chocula with a blast of brown powder.

CHOCULA

Oat bran! Nooo!

Chocula turns back into marshmallow bats, which fly around

erratically.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Oh no you don't.

Wilford Brimley grabs the ends of his moustache and adjusts

them like a hose nozzle, sending a torrent of oat bran into

the air.

The bats shriek in a high-pitched version of Chocula's voice.

BAT #1

Oh god!

BAT #2

It burns!

BAT #3

I can't do this!

The bats fly out the windows.

MANNY

Hey! Wait! Save us!

QUAKERMAN

What was that all about?

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Minor delay, my Lord.

QUAKERMAN

Right then, let's get on with it.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Yes, Sir!

Wilford Brimley pulls a lever.

FRANKLIN

Damn it.

The Fruit Monks scream as they are dropped into the tanks.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

Chocula crawls along the ground, his body covered in

smoldering blisters.

CHOCULA

So...weak. Power...fading...

He rolls onto his back and takes out his canteen.

CHOCULA

Must...rejuvenate.

He pulls the cap off and pours some corn syrup into his

mouth. The moment he swallows, the blisters vanish.

CUE POPEYE THEME

Chocula jumps to his feet and flexes a set of bowling-ball

sized biceps, then charges back to the castle.

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT

The ropes thrash around in the tanks as the submerged Fruit

Monks struggle. Quakerman and Wilford Brimley watch.

QUAKERMAN

Good work, Sir Brimley.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

It was the right thing to do.

QUAKERMAN

This calls for a victory meal.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

I bet I can guess what's gonna be

on the menu.

A marshmallow bat flies in carrying the canteen.

BAT

I'm back!

QUAKERMAN

The nuisance has returned!

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Goddamn it.

The bat flies over the tanks, pouring corn syrup into them.

Wilford Brimley fires oat bran at the bat, but it

outmaneuvers him and escapes, laughing all the way.

QUAKERMAN

What's going on, Sir Brimley?

WILFORD BRIMLEY

I don't know, but I don't like it!

The tanks start shaking. A blue mist emerges from the one

holding Bob. It forms into BOO BERRY, holding a box of his

namesake cereal.

BOO BERRY

What's on the menu is a bowl of my

delicious Boo Berry cereal!

QUAKERMAN

What is this madness?!

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Goddamn it!

Wilford Brimley shoots oat bran at Boo Berry. The grain

passes straight through him.

BOO BERRY

You fool, I'm a ghost!

Boo Berry rips open the cereal box and shoves it in Wilford

Brimley's face. Wilford Brimley swats the box away, gagging

as cereal pieces fall out of his mouth.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Blagh! What is this shit?! It's

way too damned sweet!

The other tanks topple over. Out of them lumber FRANKEN

BERRY, FRUIT BRUTE, and YUMMY MUMMY, each holding boxes of

their designated cereal.

FRANKEN BERRY

He doesn't want to trifle with that

blueberry nonsense. Clearly he's a

strawberry man who needs a heaping

helping of Franken Berry!

FRUIT BRUTE

No! He should try the howling good

taste of Fruuuit Brute!

YUMMY MUMMY

But I'll make his tummy go yummy!

Heh heh-heh.

QUAKERMAN

My heavens! Protect me from these

nightmare creatures, Sir Brimley!

Quakerman runs off. Wilford Brimley stands his ground.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

All right, you disgusting mutants.

Let's dance.

Wilford Brimley tries to shoot his oat bran, but his

moustache only manages to sputter.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Goddamn it! Your blueberry crap

made my bran-shooters impotent!

BOO BERRY

Try some more!

The cereal monsters grab Wilford Brimley.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Goddamn it-

Each monster proceeds to shove their cereal down his throat.

FRANKEN BERRY

Franken Berry!

BOO BERRY

Boo Berry!

FRUIT BRUTE

Fruit Brute!

YUMMY MUMMY

Yummy Mummy! Heh heh-heh!

Wilford Brimley stumbles back in a daze, choking from the

force-feeding. He turns around and comes face-to-face with

Chocula, who holds up a bowl of his own cereal.

CHOCULA

Chocula.

Chocula smashes the bowl into Wilford Brimley's face.

Wilford Brimley drops to the floor, his body convulsing and

his eyes rolling back. He then goes still.

FRANKEN BERRY

Is he dead?

Chocula leans over Wilford Brimley and sniffs.

CHOCULA

He's in a diabetic coma.

BOO BERRY

Hurray!

As the other cereal monsters do a celebratory dance, Chocula

walks off to find Quakerman trembling in a corner.

QUAKERMAN

P-please don't hurt me!

CHOCULA

Looks like your name is Quakerman

because you quake in your boots!

QUAKERMAN

Where's Sir Brimley? Is...is he...

CHOCULA

He's worse than dead. He has

diabetes!

QUAKERMAN

You monsters!

CHOCULA

Exactly! And you're next!

QUAKERMAN

No! Please! You can have your

castle and your vanilla! Just let

me go!

CHOCULA

I don't care about vanilla anymore.

I'm expanding my scope.

QUAKERMAN

Fine! Anything!

CHOCULA

I demand to be named the count of

all the territories you've

conquered, with any privileges I

may care to have.

QUAKERMAN

Okay, okay!

CHOCULA

And the people of those territories

will be allowed to put raisins in

their oatmeal.

QUAKERMAN

(dry-heaving)

Wh...what?

CHOCULA

I sense hesitation. Just for that,

instead of raisins, it shall

be...chocolate chips!

QUAKERMAN

Noooooooo!

Quakerman's face melts like Major Toht's.

FRANKEN BERRY

Look, the Prince killed Lord

Quakerman!

FRUIT BRUTE

Yay!

CHOCULA

Yes! The power of chocolate is

triumphant!

BOO BERRY

Boo Berry is still the best cereal,

though.

FRANKEN BERRY

No! It's Franken Berry!

CHOCULA

Need I remind you that chocolate

just saved everything?!

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

As the cereal monsters continue arguing, the Alcocoamist

watches them through a window. He turns to the CAMERA.

ALCOCOAMIST

Let the games begi-

Wilford Brimley bursts through the wall, driving his fist

into the Alcocoamist's back and out his chest.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

Burn in hell, sugary scum!

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL

The cereal monsters all jump back.

FRUIT BRUTE

Oh no, he's awake!

Wilford Brimley lifts the Alcocoamist into the air, impaled

on his arm.

ALCOCOAMIST

No! A Brimley fist through the

heart! The only thing that can

kill meeeeeaaaagggggghhhhh!

The Alcocoamist gurgles as his body melts into a chocolate

puddle on the ground. Wilford Brimley turns to the cereal

monsters, his eyes glowing red.

WILFORD BRIMLEY

I'm a hundred times stronger now

thanks to the diaaabeeetuuus!

CHOCULA

Shit!

YUMMY MUMMY

Let's get out of here!

CHOCULA

Everyone to the escape hatch!

The cereal monsters run off. Wilford Brimley throws his head

back and lets out a T-Rex roar.

CUT TO TITLE CARD:

BRIMLEY UNTOLD