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The summer before A.J.’s kindergarten year two years ago, her husband gave her an ultimatum: “This is our child, and you better just get on board or you are going to be left in the dust,” Davis remembers him saying. She calls this particular moment “pivotal” to her acceptance of A.J. “You can imagine—I’m refusing to honor who A.J. really is,” she said, “so [he and I] had an extremely contentious relationship, to put it mildly.”

The biggest moment came when A.J. started school. Davis was pulled aside by his teacher on the first week and was faced with the reality: Her daughter was introducing herself to other children as a boy and was using the boys’ bathroom. When asked how she wanted to handle everything, Davis walked away and cried. “That’s when you can’t pretend like this isn’t happening anymore,” she said, “This five year old…is very clearly a boy.”

This wasn’t Davis’ first encounter with a transgender child. Another family member completed her transition six years ago. The Davis family was supportive of her and made an effort to learn about the process. Given the family history, Davis’ husband was confused over his wife’s refusal to acknowledge A.J.’s gender identity. “When it is your own child, it is a different level,” she said.

At the time of the family member's transition, Davis received the book The Transgender Child, which she put on a bookshelf without reading. But when A.J. was coming out, Davis took down the book and spent several days lying in bed, reading it. “Reading that book with knowledge of my own child made me want to vomit,” she said, “I thought, ‘I have a transgender child. I have [another] transgender [family member], and now I have a transgender child. This is crazy but it’s true.’ ”

After the initial shock, Davis jumped in and embraced the entire process as her own transition, not A.J.’s. She fully immersed and educated herself in everything transgender. “It was my process that I was going through,” she said. “And I remember: It was five months of me really trying to get my shit together to get on board with this and to admit that I have two sons.” Her husband was crucial in getting her to understand that if she didn’t support A.J., it could be detrimental to the well-being of her child.

The 2010 National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that 57 percent of survey respondents experienced significant family rejection, which is strongly connected to negative outcomes such as homelessness, sex work, and suicide among transgender people.

A.J. And Christiane Davis. (Photo: Courtesy Christiane Davis)

The process proved to be expensive and time-consuming. Over the course of five months, Davis had to change A.J.’s things because gender, she said, “touches everything.” Things like bedding and wall decorations had to be completely transformed and changed into boy-targeted products.

Davis recalls getting A.J. a new wardrobe. “I think we were there all day and spent $500. At Old Navy!” she said. “Do you realize how hard that is to do? It’s underwear; it’s socks; it’s shirts; it’s everything!”

The transition started in August 2013 and ended in December 2013 when his teacher transitioned him officially at school. “That was the end,” she said. “That was the final piece. You can’t go back after that.” There was some sadness as she realized she no longer had her little girl, but Davis came to the realization that she was still the mother of two children who needed her support, regardless of their gender identity.

(Photo: Courtesy Christiane Davis)

Davis and her family decided to send out a New Year's card at the end of 2013 officially introducing A.J. as their son. Davis was nervous, not knowing what the responses would be. The cards were sent out in waves, starting with people Davis knew were LGBT friendly—then she waited for the responses. In the end, Davis sent out 200 cards and did not get a single piece of negative feedback.

Instead recipients were supportive: “A.J. is so lucky to have you and you him,” one of the responses read. “I am excited to see him thrive with this kind of love and support.”

Davis has got in touch with a doctor who specializes in gender nonconforming youths. A.J., who is now eight, does not want to get his period or develop breasts, and Davis knows that she wants to help her child in any way possible. “The process hasn’t started. It could any day now,” she said. “Is it expensive? Yes. Are we going to have to fight the insurance company? Probably.”

The Davis family is now a part of PFLAG (formerly known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), which has put it in touch with parents going through similar experiences; that has allowed Davis to do a lot of outreach. Davis reached out to PFLAG at the beginning of the process; the organization helped her work through her feelings and answered her questions. “And now, I am that mom that does that for other families,” she said. “I am fully submerged and knowledgeable about this now.”