November 8, 2016. 8:00 PM.

Trump Tower, NY.

An ostentation of yes-men, gathered around a hot pink Macbook.

TRUMP

Can I send out a tweet? I’ve been jonesing all day.

They’ll be dying to hear what I’m dying to say.

Kellyanne confiscated my phone, but I’m clever!

Borrowed Tiffany’s Mac. Swindle Donald Trump? Never!

I have drafted a tweet. I am going to post.

Good ideas! Brilliant words! Donald Trump has the most.

CHRISTIE leans in to read.

Crooked Hillary’s going to lose! What a joke!

I will win in a landslide, and I will not choke.

CHRISTIE

It’s pretty good. I say you’re good to post.

NEWT

It’s golden. Quite exquisite poetry.

GIULIANI

I love it, Donald. Frame that! Hang it up.

TRUMP hits send.

KELLYANNE bursts immediately through the door.

KELLYANNE

You tweeted.

TRUMP

No I didn’t.

KELLYANE

Yes you did.

TRUMP

I didn’t. Christie did it. Kick him out!

KELLYANNE

I’m sure Chris Christie didn’t––

CHRISTIE

I sure did.

I’m sorry, Kel, I couldn’t help myself.

He shrugs helplessly.

KELLYANNE rolls her eyes.

KELLYANNE

C’mon Chris. Strict no-tweeting rule’s in place.

KELLYANNE and CHRISTIE exit.

TRUMP

That was close, guys. I liked it! Let’s send out one more!

Stupid Kellyanne. God, what a puss. What a bore!

He drafts a tweet.

Loser @KellyannePolls is a dummy. No clue!

Never run a campaign, no idea what to do!

Send.

KELLYANNE enters.

KELLYANNE

You serious?

TRUMP

‘Bout what? That wasn’t me!



KELLYANNE

No idiot but you could write like that.

You’re tweeting from that laptop. Give it here.

TRUMP

This old thing doesn’t work! No, it does not compute!

It was Gingrich, I swear. What a loon! Bye-bye, Newt!



KELLYANNE bites her tongue, grabs NEWT by the ear, and goes.

TRUMP giggles.

TRUMP

Oh, Giuliani, you’re my favorite pawn.

Now help me tweet, or your sad ass is gone.

GIULIANI

Why don’t you take a jab at Abedin?

TRUMP

Yeah, that’s good, but mine’s better. So funny! So great!

Running mate Michael Pence super boring. A snooze!

He had better not cause our ticket to lose.

GIULIANI

Don’t––

Send.

KELLYANNE lingers in the doorway. TRUMP does not notice her.

TRUMP

Ha, I sent it! I’m gonna tell her it was you!

She will have no idea! She will think that it’s true!

KELLYANNE storms in and snatches the laptop from TRUMP’s hands.

TRUMP

I was using that! Reading the polls! Give it back!

It was Rudy who tweeted! That guy’s such a hack!

KELLYANNE

If you could read a poll, then you would know

It’s almost certain we are gonna lose.

So maybe tweeting nasty things about

Your running mate and staff is not so smart.

TRUMP

I’m the smartest, OK, Kellyanne? I’m the best.

I’m a genius, way smarter than all of the rest.

You’re a two or a three, and you’re not very bright,

And you’re mean when you confiscate my phone at night––

KELLYANNE rolls her eyes and exits.

TRUMP grows a deeper shade of burnt sienna.

TRUMP

I must fire her––

GIULIANI

Donald, I think that she’s right.

It looks like this will be an early night.

TRUMP

You will leave, Giuliani, and never come back.

No one says that to Donald. Go home. Go and pack.

GIULIANI sighs and goes.

TRUMP alone.

TRUMP

Donald Trump is the greatest, the greatest, he’s great!

Donald Trump’s not a loser! He’s awesome, first-rate!

Since I said I was running I’ve been in the lead!

Make America Great Again, that’s been my creed.

Now a blonde anorexic is saying I’ll lose?!

When America’s given the option to choose,

They will pick Crooked Hillary instead of me?

Kellyanne’s even dumber than I thought she’d be!

There is no way that I do not win this tonight.

If they say that I lose, they are simply not right.

It is rigged, it is really unfair, it is fixed!

At the least, I believe these results will be mixed!

Yes, we’ll tie, that’s not bad. I can live with a draw.

I’ll be more presidential than you ever saw.

Yeah, I’ll say it’s a tie, if the map’s red or blue.

I’ll just say it, and people will think that it’s true.

It is simply not possible that Trump will lose.

If they say that I did… well, I’ll simply refuse.