This is how I presume dating will go for me in the future. We'll sit down to dinner. She’ll ask, "So what do you do, Travis?" I’ll respond, "Well once I watched every Fast and Furious movie in a week to write about it." And then she’ll literally run away while still sitting at the table, and the basket of bread will spill on my lap, and I’ll feel sad.

That said, I watched a Fast and Furious movie a night for a week (taking Sunday to rest) in prep for Furious 7.

Important things to know before diving in: I’ve never seen any of these movies. I know nothing about them. I'm going to refer to characters by either character name or actor name depending on which I like better. Deal with it.

This is a real-time feed of what went through my head as I watched.

DAY 1: The Fast and The Furious

Wait, Paul Walker (playing Brian O’Conner, but let’s be honest, he’s Paul Walker) has to go in the same crappy Sammy shop for THREE WEEKS trying to score a date? I take back my opener —if it’s this hard for him, I presume I’ll never go on a date again.

I didn’t realize Nos was worth so much. I’ve definitely still got a 12-pack in the garage from 2002.

“You Einstein, take it upstairs. You can’t detail a car with the cover on,” Vin Diesel (playing Dominic Toretto, but again, he’s Vin Diesel) says to a dude making out with a lady.

Really hoping the car metaphors extend for all six movies.

“You can have any brew you want, so long as it’s a Corona,” says Vin. That’s like the best brand placement of all time.

This is super-esoteric, but the dude at 42:00ish is wearing the same shirt as Lena Dunham in that Girls episode!! (The see-through one that everyone got all mad about.)

At the end of the first, Paul Walker's a cop and he lets his boy Vin go because he loves Vin's sister, who's like real mad at Paul, and technically no one gets arrested. So where's this even going? The story didn't even really finish, you know? Like, will sis forgive him? What race is Vin, exactly, supposed to be? Why were those Japanese guys so angry, and moreover, why did they legally buy 200 DVD players? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I’m just left aghast, wondering, Do I want to see one more? Do I want to see SIX more?

We’ll see, tomorrow.

DAY 2: 2 Fast 2 Furious

My how things have changed. For one, Paul Walker is no longer a cop, but he’s working with them. More importantly, I’m a half-hour into this thing, and I have one pressing question: Where is Vin? This is heartbreaking, but then Ludacris is in it! Seems like Vin was replaced by Tyrese Gibson (playing Roman Pearce).

Also I’ve come up with new titles for this franchise: Paul Walker Makes a Non-White Friend andPaul Walker Learns About Diversity In Cars.

Every time Roman (or Vin, honestly) says, “Brian,” I can’t help but hear it in Aziz’s voice.

Does Roman know how much cigar cutters cost? He’s stolen like three.

The best moment of the second movie is when Roman, at the end, tells Paul Walker: “We got ‘em. Let’s get out of here.” Dude, you're on a yacht. Where, exactly, do you plan on going?

DAY 3: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Upon beginning the third movie, I have a new title idea for the series: Losing Our Stars. Paul, Tyrese, Vin — they aren’t even in this one (save for a late cameo)! Instead, it’s about a high schooler in Tokyo, so he doesn’t get arrested. This should be infuriating. But it’s perfect.

Also, curious about insurance premiums in this world. Speaking of which (and this is going to sound contrived for this story), I have to pause halfway through three to go meet AAA at my car, which died last night, mid-drive home. Here’s proof:

If you see me walking on Highland Ave w/ my groceries in the rain, rest assured I'm not drunk. My car might be though as it just QUIT on me. — Travis M Andrews (@travismandrews) March 28, 2015

Calling this a sequel is like calling A League of Their Own a sequel to Field of Dreams. Sure, they’re both kinda about the same sport.

The only reason this guy’s in high school is to up the ante between scenes of cars sliding around like soap on ice. I say let’s really up the ante. I want to see 5 year olds driving these things. Let’s go to kindergarten, eh?

My progress is slowing because instead of looking forward to the fourth movie, I’m busy trying to understand the third. Nothing I just saw made any sense.

DAY 4: Fast & Furious

Paul Walker is ... an FBI agent?! How does this even at all follow what we just saw?! Also, more pressing: As of the fourth movie, the phrase "this ain’t the cub scouts" has been used twice in this series.

It’s just hitting me that 4 is a sequel to 1 which makes 2 and 3 … oh God …

I began to forget the fourth Fast and Furious — or F&F as us insiders call it — halfway through watching it, so I’m leaving the rest of this one blank. Something about underground tunnels and Mexico and how friendship trumps United States and international law, which is pretty touching. Oh and Letty, the love of Vin’s life, is dead.

DAY 5: Fast Five

OK, Perd Hapley is a newscaster in this movie. This is the best one. OMG THIS IS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. I LOVE THIS SERIES.

Throughout this whole viewing experience, my main flaw with the movies has been that The Rock isn’t in them. So happy this wrong was righted.

Hey look, they got the gang — minus, of course, the Tokyo-dwelling high schoolers from the future — back together. And there’s kind of a plot going on. So this one is Ocean’s Eleven in Rio with cars. I actually really enjoyed Fast Five, even if (again), I don’t really know what happened.

DAY 6: Fast and Furious 6

Logic — if there's any to be had — would presume the sixth movie would be sequel to the third movie, right? It'd be set in the future, following that Alabamian-in-Tokyo high schooler, right? Wrong. It's about ... Letty? Who isn't dead?

This makes all those tears I shed in the fourth one (like you've never been vulnerable) completely useless. I feel used and abused. But I want more. The Fast and the Furious series is like a bad relationship: There are thrilling moments, punctuated by hours of emotional confusion. Damn these people.

Damn them to hell.

Also, I’ve made it this far, so I have to ask. Do you think Vin’s car requires diesel fuel? (Yes, I’ve wanted to make that joke for six days now. This is who I am.)

OH MY GOD, Letty shot Vin! I’m tearing up again. (SHUT UP IT’S BEEN A HARD FEW MONTHS.) I can’t believe this.

The transformation of this series from street racing to gun fights, on-foot chase scenes and amnesia serves as a poignant reminder of the changes we all undergo through our waning years. It truly is the story of our lives.

What I’ve learned

At some point during my eight hours of note-taking, I wrote both of these statements: This is the worst assignment I’ve ever taken and This is the best assignment I’ve ever taken.

This may lead you to believe I haven’t taken many assignments. To which I would say, stop judging me. After all, you’re the one reading a story about a guy who watched all the Fast and the Furious movies, not me.

What I’ve learned from this series is simple: Friendship really does trump anything, such as the law, physics, probability, the sound barrier, chemistry, bullets, more bullets, speed limits and explosions.

The question I’m left with: Is there a better film series in the world?

The simple answer: No.

You read this whole thing? Wow — OK, well you are truly committed. Might as well leave a comment.

BONUS: The 'Fast & Furious' series in 10 seconds