(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

LAHORE – Criticising the government’s move to try Tehreek-e-Labbaik Pakistan (TLP) leadership under sedition and terrorism charges, Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz has made it clear that it will no longer be catering to the country’s five and a half liberals.

The announcement was made by senior party leader Rana Sanaullah, who said on Saturday that expecting the party to continue to woo the almost nonexistent liberal demographic in the country was ‘harsh’.

“I know I’d be the obvious choice to make this announcement, but I am still super excited to reassure nation’s extremists, as always,” Sanaullah said.

“Yes, we are no longer catering to country’s five and a half liberals, because it no longer aligns with the opportunism that we could exercise when in government. Those policies that these liberals were going gaga over obviously were in line with our power struggle and now in the opposition, it’s about getting the nation’s extremists on our side.”

Sanaullah, however, was quick to clarify that it shouldn’t be misinterpreted that the party only takes care of the religious extremists’ feelings when in opposition.

“We had successfully done so while ruling Punjab,” he said. “In fact, it was one of the reasons why we successfully managed to rule the province – and then the country. So now of course, it’s back to square one and about doing the same to get back into power.”

The senior PML-N leader further issued a warning as well.

“Rest assured you will hear statements from some of our leaders that will make the liberals go crazy about them again. But trust me that would be meaningless rhetoric,” he said.

“When in doubt and you wonder where the PML-N actually stands on an issue, just ask yourself ‘where would Sanaullah be standing?’ Sanaullah said.