Abortion is not an easy topic to discuss. Good people can hold very deep and yet totally opposite convictions about this issue. But I believe that no matter what we men feel about abortion, our voices on the issue of women’s reproductive choice should sound a lot like this:

“ _________________________________________________ ”

[Silence.]

I just think that our society would be far better off if men on both sides of the angry abortion debate were to withdraw – and leave in women’s hands the power to decide what women should do.

But at times I do feel pulled back into the debate. Like when a man on the other side of the issue does something so offensive that I can no longer in good conscience stay on the sidelines. One such incident recently occurred in the U.S., in the state of New Mexico, where a man decided to erect a billboard that both publicized and criticized his estranged girlfriend’s alleged decision to terminate a pregnancy. The sign, located on a busy street, features a photo of the man cradling an empty space where a baby “should” be. The text reads: "This Would Have Been A Picture Of My 2-Month Old Baby If The Mother Had Decided To Not KILL Our Child!"

This sign is just so wrong. Even though the man disagreed with the woman’s alleged decision to terminate the pregnancy, his decision to expose her publicly is disgraceful. A court has recently agreed, and ordered him to take the billboard down. But for the moment it remains in place as he appeals on free speech grounds. (The story can be found here: http://news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/jilted-ex-boyfriend-puts-up-abortion-billboard-1)

Whatever the ultimate outcome of the court process, it is clear to me that the man’s billboard does nothing to further his anti-abortion agenda. It just makes him look like an ass.

No role for men. So just what role should we men have in determining the reproductive choices of the women in our lives? To me, the answer is simple:



None.

While we men should certainly be entitled to voice our opinion about our preferred option in the case of any pregnancy that we had a role in creating during a consensual sexual encounter, the reality is that the final choice remains in the hands (and body) of the woman. Whether she chooses to devote the immense physical and emotional resources that will be required to carry a child to term remains her decision alone to make. A woman should never be forced by a man to carry a baby she does not want, nor should she be forced to abort a baby she wants to keep.

Imagine for a second if the roles were reversed. Imagine, if you are a man, that a woman has somehow gotten you pregnant. Now imagine that she is telling you that you must carry the baby to term, even if you do not want to. Or, conversely, imagine that you do in fact want to have the baby, and she is pressuring you – even forcing you – to get an abortion. It hardly seems fair. It hardly seems just.

As the old saying goes: “If you don’t play the game, then you shouldn’t make the rules.”

No power. So where does this leave us men? Unfortunately, in this situation, it leaves us with no power to control our destiny – to determine, post conception, whether we will become a father or not. And that’s difficult. But once you send your sperm cells into a woman’s body, you relinquish control over what happens next with those little swimmers. You have turned them loose, and it is now entirely up to her to decide what to do if a conception occurs.

(One of the more pernicious stances of the “men’s rights” movement is that we men deserve to have reproductive rights too. While that might sound okay on paper, in reality it becomes impossible to implement. The “men’s reproductive rights” agenda suggests that men should have the authority to force a woman to carry a baby to term, or, conversely, that men should not have to support a child they did not want to see brought into the world. Fathering a child you do not want is a bad deal. But these suggested remedies are even worse. The first exerts total domination over women’s bodies, while the second denies resources to a child that had no choice about coming into this world.)

No easy answers. Sometimes when this issue comes up, it is tempting to tell a guy that he “should have just worn a condom.” Unfortunately, it is a little bit too late for that nugget of wisdom! (And, with a condom failure rate of up to 15%, maybe he was wearing one and she got pregnant anyway.) Equally unhelpful is the suggestion that he “should have thought about all of this before having sex with her.” It is too late for that little nugget as well! And how many couples really discuss a possible pregnancy before they first have intercourse? My guess is not very many. We probably should all be having this talk. But we don’t.

An unplanned pregnancy can be a highly stressful event. And it is one of the few times in life where women actually have more decision-making power than men do. Some people find that unfair to men. But it is the way it is. And, given our respective biology, it’s the way it has to be. Research shows that ever since ancient times women have sought ways to get an abortion – and that in modern times banning abortion does nothing to lower its rate. It only drives it underground. Women have always borne the far greater burden when it comes to unintended pregnancy. So it is only fair that they should (and do) have the ultimate decision-making power.

And – who knows – perhaps for some of us men the position of not being in the driver’s seat – of not being able to control just where we are headed in life – might help us to develop a little more empathy for women, who so often in our patriarchal society also find themselves having to negotiate situations that they cannot control.

