Fight on the side of civility in America’s social media civil war In America, civility is in short supply these days. But we can follow scripture to turn the culture of incivility around. How? By getting to know one another in person.

Bob Vander Plaats | Opinion contributor

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The late Donna Red Wing was the leader of the largest LGBTQ organization in Iowa. I lead an evangelical Christian organization that advocates a traditionally biblical view on marriage. In the public debate, we were "enemies," but we learned a lesson on civility that America desperately needs.

Five years ago, when Donna personally invited me to a discussion over coffee, I hardly knew what to think. Was she being genuine? Was it a trap? Could we even have a civil discussion?

But when Donna and I actually sat down over coffee, in a public place, we found we had far more in common than either of us expected. And over the next five years, we met for coffee frequently and built a genuine friendship that surprised us both.

Donna and I never changed each other's core beliefs or stance on the issues. The media still sought us out for opposing quotes on the controversies of the day. But we did learn to understand one another. To honor one another in public as well as private. Our friendship tempered the way we spoke of our political opponents, even on the evening news. And when Donna's loved ones asked me to speak at her recent funeral, I counted it one of the greatest honors of my life.

Our lives, our beliefs, our worldviews led us to disagree. Our coffee meetings led us to civility.

In America today, civility is in too short of supply. A U.S. congresswoman called on supporters to harass her political opponents in public. America's cable news shows spew a partisanship more ferocious than Congress. A prominent actor publicly suggested the president's youngest son be put "in a cage with pedophiles." And every day, social media fills our ever-present smart phones with streams of vitriol and hate. We must be better than this.

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Here's what made my coffees with Donna Red Wing so different: We met face to face.

In the Bible's Book of Matthew, Jesus taught his followers that when they had a dispute, they must first meet together privately to resolve it, before going public.

In America today, we have it completely backwards. We send angry tweets to people we've never met. To people we've never even tried to understand. Social media has made us anything but social; it's made us uncivilized.

We could blame technology alone. We could blame negative political ads. We could blame partisan hacks on television or bias in the media. We could even blame the president for his Twitter account. But pointing fingers of blame at others only perpetuates the incivility. "They" are not to blame — we are.

Rather than blame, I propose we share coffee instead. Donna challenged others to follow her example — to seek out the people you disagree with and find out who they really are. To sit down face to face.

So instead of picking up the smart phone to tweet your outrage at the one who disagrees with you, pick up the phone to invite him or her to coffee instead.

Is it scary? You bet. Is it counter-cultural? Absolutely. But we need counter-cultural. We need to do exactly the opposite of what our culture is doing if we're going to turn the culture of incivility around.

Bob Vander Plaats is the president and CEO of The FAMILY LEADER. Follow him on Twitter: @bobvanderplaats