I am a 34-year-old woman who is obsessed with the Switch — Nintendo’s newest and best gaming console, which came out in March. Small problem: I’ve banned myself from getting one. Another problem: The thing is hard to get. Some 2.7 million people rushed to buy the Switch, with its hybrid controllers and portable screen, when it was released, and demand outstripped supply. Now many retailers have been out of stock for weeks, and others have marked up the precious console by hundreds of dollars.

I work from home, and if I had a Nintendo Switch, work is not what I’d be doing. My apartment would instead become a glorious pleasure den from which I would enter the brightly colored world of my favorite game: The Legend of Zelda.

Zelda is a gaming series set in a fantasy world, where the main character must complete a mission, solving puzzles, munching on bat wings and fighting terrestrial jelly monsters on the way. The newest installment, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, is world class, apparently. If I had a Switch, and Zelda, I’d traverse forest ranges on horseback, while my bills would go unpaid, my dogs would die of hunger and my work deadlines would fade into the background, secondary to what’s really important: defeating an evil boar king.

Each morning, I look at the news and want to flush my head down the toilet. Lucky jerks around the nation are meanwhile firing up their Nintendo Switches. Facebook is full of photos snapped by annoyed spouses: prone adults on couches with controllers in their hands, home on the weekends playing Switch, on a break from the real world.