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Chicago Diocese Votes To Leave USCCB; Cupich Steps Down

Blase Cupich has resigned as Bishop of the Archdiocese of Chicago after the diocese voted yesterday to leave the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

An emotional Cupich fought back tears late last night as he announced his resignation.

Surrounded by altar servers, deacons, and priests dressed as clowns, Cupich delivered an emotional statement outside Holy Name Cathedral.

Cupich said he accepted the decision of the laity, which voted by 52 percent to 48 percent to leave the USCCB.

The emotional Cupich announced he was standing down, before adding: “I will do everything I can in the future to help this great diocese succeed. Well, maybe it’s not great, but good. I will do everything I can in the future to help this good diocese succeed. Actually, come to think of it, it’s really not that good at all, is it? Ok, let me try this one more time. I will do everything I can in the future to help this not that good at all diocese succeed.”

“I think the diocese requires fresh leadership. I do not think I can be the captain to take the diocese to its next destination. In all honesty, I don’t even think I can captain a remote control toy boat.”

Bishop Cupich’s voice broke as he finished, watched on by his most trusted liturgical dancer.