[A]n online inaugural fund-raising solicitation provided to The New York Times by an Obama fund-raiser … describes four packages that Mr. Obama’s finance team can sell, with differing levels of access depending on the level of contribution…._

—the Times

Dear Donors,

Following the tepid response to the 2013 Presidential Inaugural Committee’s quartet of “donor packages”—nicknamed “Washington,” “Adams,” “Jefferson,” and “Madison”—the committee is pleased to announce the addition of several new packages for supporters who desire a more specialized and idiosyncratic Inaugural experience.

MONROE PACKAGE

Individual Contribution: $30,000; Institution Contribution: $150,000

• 2 Tickets to a Benefactors Reception

• 2 Tickets to the Children’s Concert

• Unlimited hotcakes and “bottomless mimosas” at Benefactors Brunch

• Special permission to touch and/or gently stroke the hair of Attorney General Eric Holder

• 4 Tickets to the Candlelight Celebration; plus complimentary Ouija Board (while supplies last)

• 2 reserved bleacher seats to the Inaugural parade, plus two artisanal “Nacho Hats” specially prepared by White House Chef Sam Kass.*

*Nacho hats are non-transferable and must be consumed on-site.

VAN BUREN PACKAGE

Individual Contribution: $100,000; Institution Contribution: $600,000

• 2 Tickets to a Benefactors Reception

• 2 Tickets to the Children’s Concert, plus a complimentary dose of LSD to make things more interesting

• Special permission to cut Joe Biden in line at any point during the Inaugural weekend

• 4 Tickets to the Candlelight Celebration; Ouija Board; V.I.P. access to a private game of “Spin the Bottle” with Attorney General Eric Holder and Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood.

• 2 Reserved bleacher seats to the Inaugural parade, nacho hats, plus a guarantee to be featured on the “kiss cam” for at least ten to twelve seconds

• A small, golden crown

RUTHERFORD B. HAYES PACKAGE

Individual Contribution: $300,000; Institution Contribution: $1,250,000

• 2 Tickets to a Benefactors Reception

• 2 Tickets to Children’s Concert, plus your choice of children

• Unlimited hotcakes, with option to hand-feed members of the President’s senior economic council like llamas at a petting zoo

• An extended, pre-inauguration shvitz with David Axelrod, Jay-Z, all three Emanuel brothers, and former first couple Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter

• Guaranteed involvement in at least one, but not more than three, second-term scandals

• U.S. Marine Band will play any song on your Spotify playlist, on command, for the duration of the weekend

REAGAN PACKAGE

Individual Contribution: $500,000; Institution Contribution: $1,500,000

• Essentially the same as the previous package, but everyone will pretend that Romney won

OBAMA “ÉLITE” PACKAGE

Individual Contribution $1,000,000; Institution Contribution $10,000,000

• 2 Tickets to Benefactors Reception

• Unlimited children

• Crash with the Bidens “as long as you want.”

• Voucher to reënact any scene of your choice from the movie “Dirty Dancing,” in its entirety, with Attorney General Eric Holder

• Complimentary “Iron Dome” missile-defense system (while supplies last)

• Candlelight Celebration will be cancelled and replaced with a Foam Party & Lazer Tag Challenge at the National Gallery

• 4 reserved bleacher seats to the Inaugural parade, a full two minutes on “kiss cam,” President Obama will receive the oath of office wearing nacho hat.

• Ambassador to France

Illustration by Barry Blitt.