Chronic pain is a disease of the brain. No matter where we feel the sensation of pain in the body, it is the brain’s perception that is driving the sensation we feel.

How to Speak to Someone with Chronic Pain

By Elizabeth Kipp

When I was suffering from chronic pain, I noticed people were decidedly awkward around me. Their sentences became hesitant and stifled. They were noticeably uncomfortable with my condition, and they had no idea how to truly communicate helpfully. Once you understand what’s happening inside the brain of a chronic pain sufferer, you can more easily converse with them.

The human body is a finely tuned instrument honed over countless generations to endure at least long enough to reproduce. Our nervous system is designed to react to stimuli in our environment so that we survive regardless of the adversity we encounter. We come equipped with a powerful threat assessment system that moves us toward safety. In people who are chronically stressed, this system becomes dysregulated, and we feel we are constantly under threat. The whole body is doing all it can to handle the effects of stress. So, understand that chronic pain as a response to stress is an adaptive behavior, however maladjusted it may be to the sufferer’s current reality.

Chronic pain is a disease of the brain. No matter where we feel the sensation of pain in the body, it is the brain’s perception that is driving the sensation we feel. The way chronic pain changes the brain sheds light on its solution and ways to help when you are with a chronic pain sufferer. The brain becomes chaotic, restive, and hypervigilant. Problems show up, such as difficulty with memory, focus, sleeping, and impulse control.

A chronic pain sufferer experiences higher levels of anxiety and depression because of the insidiously negative bias in the brain. Since chaos reigns in the brain of chronic pain sufferers, things that bring ease and peace are effective in healing such changes. In a nutshell, when we bring calmness back into the system through the mind, body, and spirit, we have direct access to healing chronic pain.







Too often, sufferers of chronic pain feel we are somehow at fault for the pain we feel. Yet, we haven’t done anything wrong.

We experience disconnection from the world as we knew it, the people we know and love so much, from the person we used to be, and disconnection from whatever our concept of a Higher Power is.

We can get so hooked by this negativity. We have lost all sense of who we were and who we are. And we even forget that we were ever connected… to anything.

Our self-esteem collapses.

And we live in fear.

How we interact with a chronic pain sufferer can either help to heal them or add more stress.

Here are a few ways you can help:

1) Do what you can to connect… for real. The experience of isolation in chronic pain suffering can lead to utter hopelessness. Do what you can to bridge this gap as compassionately as possible.

2) You have entered a no bulls**t zone. People in chronic pain can spot bs a mile away. Please be sincere.

3) This space is also a no-pity zone. Compassion is warmly welcome. Pity is soundly rejected. The subtext of pity is, “I see you from above, or from a distance.” The subtext of compassion is, “I am meeting you where you are.” Remember that you are going for connection here rather than inviting any sense of rejection.

4) Look them straight in the eye. Meet their gaze and hold it.

5) Take care of how you connect. In such vulnerable isolation, the potential for grabbing onto a codependent relationship is there.

6) Be present. And stay present, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel. A chronic pain sufferer spends more of their time remembering their past and fretting about their future than staying in the present moment. They need the reassurance of your steadiness here, affirming that it is truly safe to be in the present.

7) Tell them how much you appreciate having them in your life.







8) Hold space for them.

9) Listen actively.

10) Ask permission before you touch them. Their sense of safety has been threatened, so they are on high alert.

11) Be supportive and encouraging rather than judgmental.

12) Speak to their soul, not to their condition.

13) Ask them if there is anything you can do for them… and mean it. Then make sure to follow up.

14) Keep your visit, whether in person or over the phone, limited. Your visit is welcome and so helpful. Pain is an energy zapper. Be cognizant of the time and how they are managing. While social visits are healing, they can also be taxing if you overstay your welcome. Make a graceful, loving exit so they can rest again.

15) Tell them you love them… and make sure they take that in.

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About the Author

Elizabeth Kipp is a best-selling author, stress and chronic pain management specialist, Ancestral Clearing practitioner, Bilateral EFT/Tapping practitioner, and Kundalini Yoga teacher. She overcame chronic pain and addiction caused by childhood abuse and chronic health issues by using spiritual and scientific methods. Her upcoming book is “The Way Through Chronic Pain: Tools to Reclaim Your Healing Power.” Find her at https://Elizabeth-Kipp.com





