Words allow us to express ourselves to others, and they have more power than we may notice. Words, sentences, and phrases may mean one thing to the speaker, but can mean something else to others, carrying with them a history of socialization, opinion, and bias.

Words establish relationships, give social cues, and affirm our place in the surrounding environment. Owning some phrases over others can give or take away a certain share of the power that comes with them. Such phrases, like “thank you”, “no problem”, “of course”, “can do”, and finally, “you’re welcome”, can play a large role in how we see ourselves, and how others respond to us.

Throughout our day to day experiences, we build social capital by doing things for others. Whether this be at work on an assignment, helping someone with a question or task, or going out of your way to make someone’s life just a bit easier — we get thanked for our good deeds and efforts. After hearing a “thank you”, we have a choice of what to say in return. Rarely do we choose “you’re welcome”.

Words have hidden meanings, and those meanings are gendered.

We’re taught to respond to a “thank you” in ways that mirror society’s values and the way that we’ve been socialized. For women, much of that response comes from an early instillment of values, including being polite, quiet, accepting, and demure. I did the task asked of me, and the polite thing to do would be to snuff out the brief compliment with a “no problem”, “of course”, or “sure thing”, minimizing my efforts in the process.

A “thank you” is an acknowledgement of the helper’s time and effort, ranging from short and simple to difficult and time consuming. The phrase we choose to use in response, based on the task and the person we’re speaking to, sends a message about our character and role in the effort.

I am keenly aware of how the words I choose frame my character through a gendered lens. A “no problem” or “sure thing” relays a message about my role in doing things for others — of course I’ll accept your request, do what you ask, help you out in whichever way, even though it may have inconvenienced me. It was “no problem”, a “sure thing”.

When it counts, say “you’re welcome”.

This type of language, when surrounding basic tasks such as handing one something out of their reach, or opening the door when one is holding something heavy, is harmless. However, when replying with these phrases to a “thank you” directed toward tasks that were not in my domain, favors asked of me, or a project I worked hard on, for example, I will make sure to use “you’re welcome”. Such language in these situations works against women, making them and their efforts invisible to male counterparts.

“You’re welcome” is an empowering phrase that works to assert my character and give me a voice and presence in the space I occupy. It allows me to receive thanks without apology or minimization of my efforts. “You’re welcome” assures that the person who thanks me knows that I did put time and energy into my task. It wasn’t a “sure thing”. With the power I held over my actions, I chose to take it on and I’ve delivered. For that, I will say “you’re welcome”.