Andres Botangle, senior and engineering major at the University of Colorado Boulder, was reportedly “pissed as hell” upon hearing from his professor last week that choosing to major in engineering during his time at the university does not necessarily guarantee him a job straight out of college.

“From what I was told, apparently most employers actually look for more than just someone with an engineering degree from a state school,” Botangle told us, periodically wiping frustrated tears from his eyes with his sleeve. “My professor told me that things like one’s GPA, work ethic, prior work experience, and how someone handles themselves in an interview are also factors in how attractive someone seems as a candidate. How is this possibly even legal in modern times? It’s outright discrimination against people who got a STEM degree for no other reason than being told that they’d end up as hobos without a degree in the Sciences, Technology, Engineering, or Mathematics.”

“When I was kid, all the adults told me to pursue my dreams and the money would follow. Then, when I got to high school, I was told to go to college and get a STEM degree one day, since those are supposedly the only degrees that can even get you a job. Then I got to my freshmen year in undergrad and was told ‘C’s get degrees,’” Botangle said, casting a dour look at all students walking by us in the halls of the Engineering Center.

“Now that I’m at CU doing all three of those things, you’re all seriously telling me now that it’s not a magical recipe to guarantee I’ll have a career one microsecond after I graduate? Then what was the point of trying to get a goddamn engineering degree in the first place?” Botangle asked.

After it was suggested by one of our writers that the education has intrinsic value, even if it might not immediately pay off from a monetary standpoint, Botangle’s mood seemed to perk up a tad.

“That’s exactly the kind of loser-talk I’d expect to hear from a liberal arts major,” Botangle commented, his face twisted into its default expression of pompous smugness. “A college degree is only a good investment if it gets someone immediately hired after graduating. At the absolute most, you have to be able to get a career in six months. Otherwise, you’re just a welfare-queen, getting a lazy life of free money by syphoning tax money from people who were smart enough to not pick useless degrees.”

Upon being reminded by our staff that, by his own logic, his degree will be considered useless if he doesn’t find a job within six months, Botangle’s tears started up again, causing him to excuse himself while he left to cry in a nearby bathroom. It is our sincere hope that he manages to science himself up a less annoying personality while he’s in there.