Continue Reading Below Advertisement

So to sum them up, Dan and Steve hate musicians because of whatever they do, burn art other people bought, and are absolutely sure it makes them like Jesus. When they scratch and claw their fingers into each other's assholes, they make it holy by whispering, "Yes. Go in dry, brother, like the desert Moses led his people through." The blind, Jesus-brained confidence of these two is astonishing. Nothing can penetrate their self-righteousness, and many people have tried.

In their book, Dan and Steve include a transcription of the time Dan went on a radio show to confront Gene Simmons about his demonic lifestyle. Dan brought up an interview wherein Gene said he had a lot of sex with teenagers. To me and you, that sounds like a gross combination of reasonable and problematic. Gene might have some insecurity issues and untraceable sores on his dick, but consenting partiers are allowed to party, grandpa. Yet with this as their only evidence, Dan accused the entire KISS band of having sex with 14-year-olds. Why not, right? It's not like anyone in the Evangelical community ever says things like, "Hey, aren't you're that guy who baselessly accuses others of unspeakable crimes?" or "Wait, you've been wrong about the end of the world like seven times now," or "Hold the fuck on, aren't you that president who only says and does dumb, amoral things?"

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

To Dan's donkey mind, this is no baseless accusation. It's the same religious anti-logic you can use to excuse, praise, or condemn anything you want. You work backwards from what you choose to believe, which in this case is that Gene Simmons has sex with 14-year-olds. You don't need proof, since God isn't wrong, but look right there! He said he sleeps with teenagers! That's what a 14-year-old fucking is! He admitted it! And the whole band does it, because it would be naive not to think that! And you're not naive! Every band does it!! If they don't, you're some lunatic who hates rock and roll for no sane reason!!! Seal your- listen! Seal your holes and pee through your skin to hide your shame from God! Burn their music as your filth seeps from your pores! We know we are right, for He has given us the anti-color ray to destroy the Rainbow Brite Friendship Squad once and for all!!!!