I wish I could make you understand how horrible it is. But I guess there’s only one way to know. I can use all the words I want and it will never come close. Shame? Humiliation? Degradation? Being reduced to a sex toy? Losing yourself? You’re forever empty, you’re a different person, you died but not really. You’re broken, a victim, maybe a liar? Did that really happen? Are you sure? Maybe your memory is wrong? Oh my god. How can you say this about your own boyfriend? He may not be now, but he once was, did you not love him? How can you make up these horrible stories? Are they stories? Maybe I just remember a worse version than what actually happened? I do remember that one thing clearly, maybe that happened but the rest didn’t? Maybe that other thing too… I do almost throw up when I hear the words. Wanting to throw up when you walk by someone who looked like him? Smelled like him? Had his same mannerism? The nightmares? The nights being afraid to sleep. Would I really doubt it if it was the R word? Would I even be questioning it if it wasn’t? Would it keep me up at night? Would it leave me feeling this way? I did say no but was it loud enough? Maybe he didn’t hear? Maybe he didn’t hear the first, second or third time? Maybe he couldn’t tell that he had to pry my legs open? Maybe he thought I was playing around? Maybe he couldn’t tell I was crying? The nos were quiet, the crying was quiet. I didn’t push him all that hard… Maybe he didn’t notice. It only happened twice… He probably just didn’t notice? Is it really the R word because you’re afraid? Maybe my fear wasn’t warranted? Maybe I didn’t have a reason to fear him? He screamed, he threw stuff, he broke walls, but he never hit me, not outside of sex. Sure, that might be scary, but is it THAT scary? Is it so scary you feel the need to agree? I always knew he would have killed me if it lasted longer, but it didn’t last long enough yet, it was getting worse but it wasn’t there yet. Was I really scared for my life? Maybe it was just easier? To not get yelled at. I didn’t think “If I say no right now he will kill me.” I just thought he’d get angry and that he’s be capable of that. Is that enough? It’s not enough that I had told him before hand I didn’t want to but gave in. Is it really that big of a deal that he said “Well you let your first boyfriend fuck you however he wanted that one time, why not me?!” (It was twice.) He did get angry whenever I didn’t agree to something he knew I had done before. And he did do that thing I hate, he knew I hated and he even hated doing it, but he wanted to. I think he did it just to hurt me. Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I seemed eager? And there is that blank before he started… “having sex with me” in that… other area, maybe I seemed eager? Maybe he didn’t hear when I cried out? He knew. He loved it, he’d tell me so.

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