On October 31, millions of Americans will take upon themselves to celebrate Halloween, which I like to refer to as “The New Years Eve of Fall.” I do so because like actual New Year’s Eve, Halloween is a usually not-so-exciting culmination of high expectations involving costumes, potential hook-ups, and candy. Sometimes I celebrate, sometimes I don’t. This year, I’ll be engaging in some Pagan rituals involving a lot of candy I should save for trick-or-treaters but will eat myself and a whole lot of Netflixin’. While I’ll be protected from the annual spooky douchebaggery, many will still be exposed. It’s up to you to save them. Here are some simple guidelines for participating in Halloween like a gentleman.

Let Them Eat Candy

Expecting trick-or-treaters? You should be! Because chances are if you live in a suburb and on a street, you’ll be greeted by the adorable and or abominable children of your block as they seek a sugar high like no other. Frankly, they don’t care about your commitment to Crossfit and Paleo, so don’t be the house that hands out APPLE SLICES. Stock your cabinets with only the finest processed goods imaginable. And if you’re going for Reese’s, go snack size, not miniature.

Go Big or Stay Home

I appreciate every man’s right to a Halloween opinion, but if you’re making the brave choice to go to a costume party, you better ante up. The guy who doesn’t at least put forth a little effort, or the guy who shows up with a clearly last-minute costume is never the life of the party. It’s Halloween, man! You’re out and about! This is your one opportunity to wear an ab-enhancing Batman suit and feel what it’s like to have a six pack.

Be Scary, Not Creepy

Costumes have a way of getting to you and letting you get into character. But remember, this is America, it is 2015, you have to pay taxes, and you’re going to wake up as regular you tomorrow. So, while you may be dressed as some kind of womanizing, groping, drunk-ish figment of fiction, don’t get too into it. As in, don’t slap the sexy nurse, sexy Cecil the Lion hunter, sexy mouse, or sexy sex therapist on the ass just because it’s Halloween.

Don’t Be Too Topical

Think it’d be funny to dress up as the cop that body-slammed that girl in her classroom with your friend? Haha. LOL. Jesus god don’t do it.

If You Leave the Bowl of Candy Out

A “Happy Halloween! Please take only one piece!” sign above a giant bowl of candy in front of a five year old is the most soulless, irresponsible, and outlandish sight you can see on Halloween. Seriously. Don’t expect a kid who’s been waiting for months to trick-or-treat to just take one Kit-Kat bar. Don’t expect their parents to abide either, actually (particularly if this is my child which I don’t have). Don’t be an actual monster.

Don’t Be a Baby

I don’t mean this in the figurative, butt-hurt, childish way. I mean it in the “nobody wants to see a grown man in a diaper” way. Despite your best intentions, half-naked body is not something most bar patrons want to look at. Leave something to the imagination, please. And either way, it’s just creepy AF for a non-baby homo sapien to dress be a baby.

Stay in Your Race Lane

Did you wake up white this morning? If you did, I urge you to stay as caucasian as possible at all times. If you’re toying with the idea of painting your face so you can transform into a member of a different race, don’t. I don’t know why people seem to have a hard time grasping this every year, particularly Italian nationals, but just say no. To put it simply: Race is not a costume.