I am troubled in thought, impure in mind and filthy with my tongue. Words so hard, peeling flesh and shattering bones, rupturing souls with my unholy taint. I may not be God’s child, but I shall try.

You may not think it, but I have read every single ask in my box, even though I haven’t replied to majority of them. Engendering the words of thousands, even through their anonymity I could feel their hate or concern. Gordon couldn’t get to me or my husband, but it took thousands of you people reading my tumblr for me to finally realize that I am going down a violent path filled with misery. Behind the scenes I haven’t slept in a few days, biting my nails down to the nub so that they’re bloody, but I still feel no pain.

Samy has been extremely worried, this has taken a huge toll on what I thought would be our impenetrable marriage. For those that do ask, I did not marry him for money. From the moment we first met, to chatting and a few dates. The time he first kissed me to finally him popping the question on that day.. Years of memories held forever are now being covered with my mistake of a few weeks.

In reality I cry myself to sleep every night hating who I am, hating my temper, pride, and arrogance. At one point I thought about taking my life, as a thought that someone more deserving could take mine. It doesn’t work that way. I have made many mistakes that I’m trying to overcome. Those that question what exactly happened those few hours to make me change my mind. I went to rock bottom. I crashed and for the first time actually read the terrible things I wrote in the eyes of a stranger.

Looking at the monster I had become with words, I contemplated the entirety of it all. What was life? What were we here for? If I was really God’s child, then why was I acting like the devil’s pawn? That’s all I can really say to explain my sudden change. I’m not sure if I can keep this new change, like others have suggested, up for much. I heard from somewhere that if you do something each day for several months, you can get into a habit and change your life. I feel like donating some of the pastries and other cakes that I will make myself to various Soup Kitchens and Orphanages.

I’m not doing it so I can gain more publicity, but really I just want to give back to the community. Along with that, I have talked to Samy and we agreed to therapy. We looked up several therapists in the area and will give them a call. This has been probably the biggest life change I’ve ever experienced. I could actually sleep last night. You have no idea how much you’ve done. Thanks guys once again.

-Amy