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Boner mysteries, iPhone Hawks, Bad Psychologists, Harmful Opinions, Cards Against Humanity, making your mom sleep in the car, anime, degeneracy, a new erotic stories bumper, Star Trek shrines, the evolution of the human mind, in defense of Madcucks, in defense of Dustin, in defense of America, The Consuelo Podcast, to Menards or not to Menards, that is the question, the Philly Road Rage stop, the perfect government, the Van Helsing of Autism, and the deregulation of ass; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Opinions are like assholes. It hurts when you get yours obliterated. And the sting of it is the last thing you ever want to experience again. So you research your asshole. You read up on all the stats surrounding your asshole. You drown yourself in think pieces on your asshole and commentary on your asshole–entire schools of thought dedicated to the evolution of your asshole. You have imaginary arguments about your asshole in your car and in the shower and at work and if you get caught, you try to play your asshole off like you were humming the lyrics to a song on the asshole–I mean the radio. You search for your asshole on Twitter and try to make your asshole sound more sophisticated than it is. You refine your asshole and sharpen it, you beat and fold your asshole onto itself like a Hanzo samurai sword until it is fearsome and strong. You weaponize your asshole. Next time, your asshole won’t be obliterated, your asshole will be doing the obliterating. I think that’s how the saying goes, anyway Harmful Opinions called in this week, but first…

When you die and find yourself before the pearly gates of heaven and St. Peter is about to read aloud from the book of your life to see if you are fit to gain entry and spend eternity in a G-rated version of an Oculus Rift, the feeling you will experience the moment that book cracks open is a lesser sense of shame, panic, dread, and impending doom, than the one you get when you’re forced to pull open the Photos app on your phone with people peering over your shoulder. iPhone Hawking. We all do it and either we’re all really excited to see a picture of the kids at Disneyland, or we’re all secretly hoping for an accidental wiener or a boob. My money is on the latter.

When people say, “Let me show you this picture,” I hear what they’re really saying, “Let me show you this picture, but first, why don’t you fuck off for a little bit so I can sort through a slideshow of shame.” I have pictures on my cell phone that I don’t even want me to see, and each swipe is a minefield.

I present a new Dick Tip: Take a trip until the phone is flipped.

Next, Harmful Opinions a “Professional Autist” calls in to The Dick Show this week to talk about degeneracy, anime, Hot Goss, YouTube shills, Candid, the media, feminism, and most importantly anime. Here are some of my favorite Harmful Opinion Remixes. His channel recently vanished from the face of the Earth, but he assures us it will be back soon. Not soon enough for this asshole.

If you’re looking for more in-depth fodder, Harmful Opinion has resurrected bits of his YouTube channel. I find the floating brain extremely satisfying. I wish there was some kind of similar floating thing I could use for this show, but I can’t figure out what it would be. Maybe you have a suggestion.

Madcucks calls in to offer an asshole of his own regarding recent accusations of his crying. The Consuelo Podcast airs another episode. Matty M sends in an erotic story, and I announce the first dates for the Road Rage tour–but not before a twenty minute mansplaination of the fundamental failures in the Bill of Rights that led to the erosion of democracy in America over the last 200 years and also taxation is theft. Here is a GIF of that rant.

The second I confirm the venue(s), I will send out a email/Patreon/Twitter/Facebook blast.

Finally, we end the episode with a look back at Bonus Episode 8, pick a winner for the Life Coach Contest, and inquire as to the goings on of one Frank the Tank. I won’t spoil the ending, but I think it’s safe to say no one will be satisfied by it. Sometimes, that is the mark of a true compromise. Sometimes it’s the mark of a huge mistake. Marks rarely mean anything. I can say only this. I believe in Dustin.

Now some Dick Pics!



And a dope-ass outro rap re-mix by LeftHandedJesus.



Express thumbnail WITH NO BRAKES by Clay Burton.

See you next Tuesday when Asterios comes back to the DickHaus!

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