Undressed: How Progressive Are Millennials When It Comes to Paying the Bill?

Millennials have done a lot to change traditional gender roles, but going Dutch is still up for debate.

Undressed is a column about gender, social norms, dating rules and what happens when we break them. Read the last Undressed here.

When I started dating my very first boyfriend as a sophomore in high school, I was adamant that I pay for my own meals. He was adamant that I didn’t. This became such a point of contention that we eventually broke up over an otherwise enjoyable night of thai (that he insisted on paying for).

Once I started dating online after college, I found myself in many similar situations. I still didn’t like having my dates pay for my meal — it felt unequal — but at the same time, some of the guys I went on dates with seemed so completely flustered by my offer to pay that I let them cover the tab just to keep things from getting awkward. I didn’t get it — had they never had their dates insist on paying? Or was I the one breaking the rules? Maybe.

On OkCupid, we ask members what their etiquette is regarding the bill on a first date.

In a sample of 54,000 members from 2017, millennial women say they would split the bill 35% of the time. This makes them 9% more likely to do so than older women, but the numbers still surprised me — while simultaneously helping me understand the behavior of my recent dates: 60% of millennial men said they would pay the entire tab on a first date (compared to 67% of older men).

When looking at the entire sample, only 32% of women and 15% of men dating today say that they’d choose to go splitsies on the tab. This ratio is pretty consistent across the country (even in liberal New York, only a third of women said they’d split).

If modern daters aren’t splitting the bill, then what are they doing?

59% of men and less than 1% of women say they’d pay the whole bill.

Guys, for the most part, say they’re picking up the tab (59%).

But for women, the data is a bit harder to parse. About one in five say that they expect their date to pay. About a fourth say they don’t have a preference. The remaining female members (23%) choose to skip the question entirely. This makes the question of paying the bill one of the most skipped questions on OkCupid; for reference, people skip the question “How do you feel about anal sex” only 3% more often. Clearly, the subject of bill-paying is rather touchy.

To figure out why there’s such a taboo around the tab, we decided to send out a follow-up survey. And what we learned was that even among women who do offer to split the bill, they usually don’t. Of over 220 women surveyed, more than half (55%) reported that even though they generally offer to pay their part, most often their date covers the whole thing.

Of those who said they offered to split the bill on a first date, some women said it would still be nice if their date insisted they didn’t. As one 21-year-old woman said, “I always always offer to pay though, but I love being turned down and having the bill taken care of. Very attractive.”

Another set of women said that if their date accepted their offer to split the bill, there would be no second date — but they were in the minority.

Why do we feel so strongly that guys should pay for a first date? The most common comment among both men and women was that it was the “chivalrous” or “gentlemanly” thing to do. “If he wants to set the tone as a gentleman and a capable adult, he should offer to pay,” said one member, age 46.

But another common sentiment was that whoever proposed the date should do the paying. The date-asker treats his date because she took a chance on him and gave him the opportunity to woo her. And indeed, it is usually a “she” because men ask women out way more often than the reverse — guys start 80% of conversations on OkCupid.

As one 36-year-old man put it, “You’re taking the time out of your schedule to make time for me. I’m reciprocating in a manner that shows I appreciate that your time is both valuable and that you’re choosing to spend it with me, regardless if I think the relationship is going anywhere.”

According to Lisa Bonos, a writer and editor for Soloish, a Washington Post blog about single life, “A lot (but not all!) men and women want to be in relationships with an equal, and that means someone who has roughly similar earning power and is making similar financial contributions to the relationship. But women still want to be pursued, and I think men are still most comfortable in the role of pursuers… and paying the check is the biggest symbol we have that a man is interested in a woman and values her company and time.”

Unfortunately, this tradition makes straying from the norm difficult. “If a woman insists on paying or splitting the check, someone gets confused,” Bonos says. Women who identify as feminists on OkCupid (myself included) are significantly more likely to say that they’d split the bill on a first date (44% say they would), but their intentions are often misinterpreted.

“It’s pretty much a lose-lose situation,” said one 30-year-old woman. “Some guys are offended that I even offer to pay — some think I’m not sincere when I offer.”

Another, 57, said, “I offer to pay half because it’s a gender equity thing — I don’t think men should have to always assume paying every bill. However, I think I’m in the minority of women who feel that way… sometimes a man wants to pay and doesn’t understand my nod to gender equity.”

So men and women who want to split the bill for ideological reasons must fight not only traditional gender norms but also the de facto “code” of dating itself. To many, when the man offers to pay and his date graciously accepts, it’s a sign of mutual interest. When someone insists on splitting, it is perhaps more likely to be taken as a sign the date has gone awry than as a nod to progressive values.

So what’s a devoted bill-splitter to do?

According to Jessica Chou, Senior Editor at Refinery29 who ran the Money Diaries column, “In the long run, I find the best course is to do what you’re comfortable with and actually talk about it. Having interviewed a lot of couples about money for Refinery29, I’ve found that the way people think about sharing money in a relationship can make or break a long-term romance. Getting to that conversation earlier can let you know whether you’re compatible.”

This makes sense, of course, since being explicit about one’s values on a first date is almost always a good move. If I dove into my personal manifesto on outdated dating traditions before the bill came, it’d definitely get my intention across — but not everyone finds this as romantic as I would.

Yet with so little consensus on bill-paying etiquette, I’ve come to take the whole thing a less seriously. There are better ways for me to tell how ideologically in sync I am with someone than how fast he reaches for his wallet. As one guy I dated put it, “If I take someone out and she judges me for how I handle the check, we’re probably not right for each other to begin with.” I agreed — and we always went Dutch.

How do you handle paying for the bill? Let us know in the comments, or read more Undressed here.