Usually stripping goddessesâ€™ are sensual, raw, strong. You feel them in the curve of your hip as you spin, in the strong muscles of your thigh as you move your hips with the music. You see them in the stars and cosmic fuzz when you roll down from that upside down position and flip upright to crawl all sexy into someoneâ€™s lap. You know that she is something more than you, and you know that she is you.

Here in the mid west, they have a different kind of stripping god. The kind who capitalizes the g and makes it his name: God. This is a place where God speaks to the city council. He tells them all kinds of things. He tells them that everything in town, and especially WalMart, should be closed Saturday night and not open until after noon. He tells them that the little corner grocery meets with his approval and should be allowed to stay open on His day.

God has a lot to say about stripping. While he seems to feel that lap dances are inherently sinful, they are apparently forgivable as long as they are between a man and a woman. Lap dances involving two women, and especially two strippers, are mortal sins that must be prevented at all costs. Therefore this God has decreed, through the city council, that while one lap dance doesnâ€™t need direct supervision, two lap dances do. Therefore, if there are going to be two strippers doing two lap dances anywhere in the vicinity of each other, a bouncer must be present to prevent any sinful girl on girl action, which strippers are obviously prone to. Yeah, Godâ€™s pretty homophobic.

God says that cunts are bad, and must be covered. Likewise, assholes are also evil and need covered. God doesnâ€™t seem to have defined the boundaries of the cunt, though. It is unclear whether pubic hair is allowed.

What I really object to is Gods edict regarding nipples. You see, while God approves of areolas, he says that nipples need to be covered at all times. God is obviously a man, because if he was a woman he wouldnâ€™t want to mutilate our nipples.

The most common nipple covering in these parts is nail polish. You paint it on as youâ€™re doing your make up, because it takes a couple minutes to dry and because for those couple minutes your eyes will water and ruin your eyeliner and your mouth will grimace unsexily from the stinging pain. You see, your nipples suck stuff in. And nail polish is toxic. I envision breast feeding someday and having a glob of nail polish pop out of a milk duct and choke the baby. My midwife friend has confirmed that this entirely possible, even if the baby probably wouldnâ€™t choke.

Next most used is bandaids. You cut out little circles and stick them on. It doesnâ€™t really hurt, at first. Not until you go to pull off the leather strapped bra and it rips the bandaid off your nipple. Or until you drag a breast across someoneâ€™s face and the already partly dislodged bandaid sticks to their beard. Then thereâ€™s the matter of getting it off. Nail polish doesnâ€™t come of easily, either, but at least it doesnâ€™t impede your nipple usage. Bandaids impair nipple usage. I donâ€™t like to go to sleep without being able to feel my nipples, so Iâ€™m left with two choices: rip â€˜em off, or soak my nipples in shot glasses of soapy water until the bartender kicks me out cause Iâ€™ve been getting ready to leave for an hour already, and then rip â€˜em off. Either way, it hurts. Every day it hurts more and more, because the band aids dry out your nipples and they start to crack.

Savvy women from Texas and Oregon use puffy fabric paint. People call it latex, even though itâ€™s not. The stinging is minimal, just ten seconds of a cold prickly feeling. Most importantly, it peels off easily at the end of the night. Unfortunately, it also peels off easily throughout the night, putting me in frequent violation of the nipple law and, presumably, at risk of getting arrested and having to register as a sex offender for nipple exposure. I canâ€™t tell if the paint is causing further drying and cracking, or if my poor nipples are just worn out from it all and having a sensitive time of the month.

I blame this on God, and I wish the city council out here would at least diversify their gods a little bit.