Here’s LEO’s 2019 Fake Issue, complete with op-ed, feature, news, staff picks, music, A&E and food sections. First up is Kentucky Legalizes Marijuana: Gun Shops, Churches Given Preference As Pot Dispensaries. To read the rest of this issue’s fakery, use the index and blue hyperlinks below to easily navigate all of the satire.

Gov. Bevin declares himself above law of gravity, floats away; Gov. Bevin orders all teachers to be tied to railroad tracks; McConnell adopts ‘Bubble Boy’ armor to enjoy meals in Highlands and more…

BruLu gets new brewery, the city’s 78th; Retiring mayor Fischer to open Compassionate Cafe and more…

Gov. Matt Bevin’s former hair metal band Hysteria Mysteria uncovered; New venue pays bands with mystery bags and more…

Fetal heartbeat, concealed gun laws repealed at last minute and more…

Make the ballet hetero again; and ‘T’rty Two Soup Cans,’ an evocative exhibition.

Alcoholics Anonymous Citywide Meeting; Harry Potter Commune: Informational Meeting and more…

The CJ brings back boring; Evil teachers serve children food during sick out and more…

Kentucky legalizes marijuana: Gun shops, churches given preference as pot dispensaries

Unable to pass pension or sports betting bills as the state headed toward bankruptcy, lawmakers unanimously approved a bill to legalize and tax marijuana for medical and recreational use.

Gov. Matt Bevin signed HB 420 into law immediately, noting that legalizing marijuana would bring millions of dollars to the state, rescue public pensions and “hopefully cool out all of those naysayers and nitpickers at the failing, boring Courier Journal.”

“I had a come to Jah moment earlier today and realized that Kentucky can be a model for the nation in how to use marijuana responsibly, to fill the pension’s deficit and… Wait, what are we talking about? Have you ever looked closely at paper, dude?!” he said during the signing ceremony at the Capitol.

The surprise vote came late into the night on the last day of the legislative session during a meeting of the Public Pensions Working Group, which had worked fruitlessly for months to get rid of teachers’ pensions. The holdup was mostly because teachers hold great power at the ballot box and, while lawmakers are ideologues, they are characteristically craven and self-serving.

According to several lawmakers at the meeting, new support for the pot bill came when Republican state Sen. Dan Seum told the group including Bevin that doctors had given him a “nice bottle of Oxycontin” for his cancer.

“I threw it in the garbage can and went home and smoked a joint,” the 79-year-old lawmaker said. “And guess what? No nausea. I was able to function. I was going through the [chemo] treatment. It was during the legislative session. I did not miss a day due to nausea from the cancer.”

And, then, Seum handed out brownies that he said he had baked specially for Bevin, four of the House and Senate leadership and the 20 other lawmakers.

Among them was Republican Senate President Robert Stivers, who had called pot “a gateway drug” that no credible studies had shown was of medicinal value other than “it makes you feel good.” But, he said, Seum’s story convinced him, and the brownies brought new clarity.

“I need to get his recipe,” he said with a wink. “But, seriously, I was wrongheaded about pot. I mean, legalizing it is a win-win for Kentucky… brah.”

House Majority Floor Leader John “Bam” Carney, who controls which bills get called for a vote to the House floor, was not in the meeting and told reporters later that he would not call a vote on the bill. But after meeting privately with Seum, Carney said he had changed his mind and would bring the bill to an immediate vote after he hit the Speedway for Doritos and a Red Bull.

“What can I say?” he told reporters. “I had never tried it until now. We Republicans are so used to legislating on issues about which we have no personal experience, like abortion. We preach smaller government, so who are we to say what people can do in their own homes?”

The governor said Kentucky will immediately begin issuing licenses for pot dispensaries, giving preference to gun shops and churches. “What is more Kentucky than weed, weapons and the Holy Spirit,” a glassy-eyed Bevin told reporters. “Besides, that pain in my neck from carrying around my unusually large bobble-head has magically disappeared! Maybe it will make me less of a pain in the ass!”

Not everyone was in favor of the bill. Among critics was, not surprisingly, chronic curmudgeon and downer Martin Cothran, senior policy analyst-spokesperson for the righteous-leaning Family Foundation.

“Smoking the Devil’s weed will just bring you further from Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,” he said. “It is a gateway drug to hell, and selling the state for doobies is sinful and reprehensible. Have you tried these brownies?” •

FEATURES

Gov. Bevin declares himself above law of gravity, floats away

Still hurt about the state Supreme Court ruling against the Republican’s pension bill, Gov. Matt Bevin called a press conference outside his Anchorage home to announce his disdain for the laws of nature, too.

“I’ve never liked being bound to the ground, just as I don’t appreciate concrete facts or statistics,” Bevin said. “So, therefore, gravity shouldn’t apply to me.”

Onlookers said that Bevin’s head immediately began to swell. Soon, he was drifting above his podium and cackling with delight, eyes and arms cast upward.

Bevin appeared to quickly lose control of his newfound ability, though, and the wind carried him off in the direction of Louisville proper as the governor screamed in protest at the thought of facing constituents — even from 60 feet up.

Upon last sighting, Bevin’s oversized noggin was caught in a set of power lines. •

Gov. Bevin orders all teachers to be tied to railroad tracks

After months of feuding and failing to get substantially helpful legislation of any kind passed, Gov. Matt Bevin unveiled his newest measure for solving the teachers’ pension crisis. Taking a stand behind the podium on the steps of the Capitol and pausing for dramatic effect, Bevin produced a long strand of braided rope and proceeded to laugh diabolically for the next several minutes before twirling his oily mustache and asking if anyone had any questions.

A stunned audience stood in silence.

“The governor had never presented himself as anything less than unhinged but even this seemed brazen to an unprecedented degree,” said one attendee, Lucas Murphy, former teacher turned state investigator and award-winning podcaster.

When pressed for any form of explanation, Bevin yielded the floor to his associate, an anthropomorphic dog adorned in a turn-of-the-century leather flight helmet, Muttley.

“I’m offended by the fact that people so cavalierly, and so flippantly, disregarded the governor’s true twisted desires,” Muttley said between wheezing fits of laughter, “Mr. Bevin has concocted what he feels is a reasonable solution to the selfishness of Kentucky teachers: Tie them all to the tracks of the R.J. Corman railroad and have them fight for life and the right to the retirement money they’ve already earned.”

As the executive order carried an “emergency” clause, the law took immediate effect with Bevin’s signature, which was signed in blood, though it is unknown at this time if it was Bevin’s own. “This is necessary,” said Bevin while wringing his hands together menacingly, “As the order must create a sense of emergency and impending doom within the higher educational community, who are my mortal enemies, mwuhaha-haha-haha.” •

Business to open by Derby

Ground broke on a new 10,000-square foot speakeasy-style distillery, microbrewery, restaurant and barcade yesterday in the Schnitzleburg neighborhood. Though it’s the end of March, owner Ronald Wiley said The Volstead Tasting Quarters & Brewpub will be open by Derby. “We can’t wait to show both the neighborhood and visitors to our city just what we have in store,” he said.

Construction contractors, universally known to be overconfident in their estimates, have projected at least a six-month timeline. But Wiley said he’s ready for a Derby opening. “Contractors are always faster than they claim,” he said.

While the condition of the sewer and utility lines servicing the property have yet to be evaluated, The Volstead announced on social media yesterday morning “a soft opening no later than Oaks Day.” “[The] Volstead Tasting Quarters & Brewpub will put a new meaning to the word ‘doorbusters,’” said Samantha Brewer, Ronald’s partner and operations manager.

Via a press release, sent from their marketing team before any necessary permitting or licensure has been requested from local government, the hybrid concept is “the first of its kind in the country, meshing two of the fastest growing and hottest trends in the food and beverage world — distilleries and old school arcades — into one completely distinctive experience.”

The distillery and brewpub, which Alcohol Beverage Control told LEO Weekly it has yet to hear from, will offer beers brewed on-site and unique bourbon expressions using a “proprietary aging process” that ages spirits quicker. “You can guarantee we’ll have some cool riffs on mint juleps for the Derby opening too,” Brewer said.

For the restaurant, which has not yet started the hiring process for either front or back of house, Wiley said, the fare is “casual with gastropub style small bites.” As of Wednesday, this was the first time the Health Department had become aware of The Volstead Tasting Quarters & Brewpub, according to a representative. The barcade, which Brewer said they are calling “Quarters Emporium,” will house around “two dozen classic pinball and arcade machines.” Brewer said they will be “scouring Facebook Marketplace sometime in the next week or two, probably” for some classic pinball and arcade machines. “This sort of family-friendly entertainment is a solid value-added feature for any restaurant or brewery,” Wiley said.

While Wiley and Brewer have yet to secure their full bank loan (“just a small detail,” Wiley said), the ambitious new concept will move aggressively with a social media campaign ramping up for the Derby opening. According to Wiley, the still unzoned addition to Schinztleburg’s nightlife expects some celebrity guests to help cut the ribbon. “I don’t want to say too much,” he said. “But it’s most likely Bill Murray. Or at least Arie from The Bachelor.” •

Councilman declares homelessness solved after handing man cheeseburger

A Metro Councilman (whose name we are withholding, not because he asked, but to save him the embarrassment), has declared that no more money is needed to treat homelessness in the city, because he gave a man on the street a $2 bacon McDouble.

“This was no ordinary cheese, patty and bun burger,” said the councilman proudly. “This one had two patties, cheese, ketchup, mustard, onions and a dehydrated slice of McDonald’s bacon, which I hear they’re putting on fries now!”

The councilman said he had originally bought a meal for himself, but after spotting a man sitting on a bench and noticing he was being watched by a group of people across the street, he knew what had to be done.

“He may have wanted money or something ridiculous like permanent affordable housing, but I gave him what he needed in the moment,” the councilman said. “And now he and the thousands of others who live on Louisville’s streets will never want for anything again!”

When asked whether the city’s budget shortfall had anything to do with his stinginess, the councilman appeared to lose the ability to speak for the first time in his life.

His announcement comes as a delegation of homeless advocates have been planning to approach the council with more requests for funding.

“When the council gave us $540,000 last year, we were able to open a few new shelters,” said an employee of the Louisville Coalition for the Homeless. “But they can’t keep operating without more funding.”

In an interview with LEO, the man who was given the burger said, “I’m not even homeless. I was just minding my own business and someone handed me a McDonald’s bag with those greasy fingerprints that sometimes get left on them. I guess they didn’t see my AirPods.”

The man was unable to eat the burger as he is lactose intolerant.

“The council dude could have at least left the fries, yo,” he said. “I saw them sticking out from his pockets.”

The councilman, miraculously recovered after ditching the press, has announced a list of other solutions for Louisville’s problems, among them, a stern talking-to for those with drug addictions. •

5 ways to avoid Indiana: A listicle

One of the worst things about living in Kentucky is the occasional need to drive to, or through, the state of Indiana, which has produced nothing of value outside of David Lee Roth and Kurt Vonnegut. Driving through the state can be a real drag, with long stretches of nothing except for the dull prairie land that yielded Vice President Mike Pence. Between the smell and the stupidity, Indiana is nothing more than a vapid wasteland that serves primarily as a land bridge so that your car doesn’t fall into the Earth’s core on the way to Chicago or St. Louis.

But some people will try to convince you that it’s worth visiting, in spite of that. Use this handy list of alternatives to Indiana to learn why they’re dead wrong.

Charter a Helicopter

While it may seem expensive and excessive to rent a helicopter to traverse Hoosier territory, it can yield some unexpected delights. Chartering the flight gives you some navigational say over how you travel, which means you can fly over Indianapolis and dump trash while you flip them the bird. They won’t know what hit them, but you absolutely will. Always take the high road!

Instead, go anywhere in Kentucky

Does our state government suck? You betcha! But Kentucky is a damn gorgeous state, so why are you pissing away your time in Smelliana when you have Red River Gorge and Natural Bridge here? Visit a park, hit up one of our fine lakes, or just hang loose in Kentucky. There is literally nothing in Indiana that you can’t do here better.

Go to Kentucky Kingdom Instead

I’m sure you’ve heard that Holiday World is good, but is it worth an hour and a half drive? Not really. Yeah, they give you free soda, but you can get diabetes anywhere in Kentucky with way less fuss. Kentucky Kingdom is pretty cool, and it has water park stuff, so get over yourself, all right?

Visit Mammoth Cave

Don’t let these Hoosiers fool you with Bluespring Caverns. Mammoth Cave is truth in advertising, a big-ass hole in the ground that’s super big and very long. You could probably fit a ton of Bluespring Caverns inside, which is pathetic. Like Indiana.

See Living Fossils at the Creation Museum

The Falls of the Ohio is admittedly pretty cool, but it’s even more cool to see cavemen riding dinosaurs. Figure out a way to sneak in so that Ken Ham doesn’t get your money, and look at a badass version of history that would make for a sweet-ass movie. Plus, there are no mosquitoes inside the museum! •

McConnell adopts ‘Bubble Boy’ armor to enjoy meals in Highlands

U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell has debuted a new protection against people insistent on accosting him while out at Highlands restaurants: a giant plastic ball with mechanical arms, wrapped around his entire body except for his legs.

“I was recently pondering how best to roam my neighborhood without answering to constituents when I watched this wonderful early 2000s movie called ‘Bubble Boy.’ Have you seen it?” McConnell asked reporters enthusiastically, his voice slightly muffled by his new, transparent fortress. “Of course, he wears the plastic shield because he has no immune system. But I’m also sick… of people saying things like ‘I can’t afford my health insurance’ and ‘my son was killed in a mass shooting.’”

The bubble, McConnell revealed, cost $20 million to develop, paid for by the U.S. Department of Defense.

“They showed me a prototype a few months ago, something more like a protective shell that I could hide my head, arms and legs in whenever I felt threatened,” he said, his brow furrowing before his face brightened again. “But this is much better!”

McConnell took the bubble out for a test run at Havana Rumba, the site where he was infamously accosted by an angry citizen last October.

Several diners, including a DACA recipient worried about losing her status and a student overwhelmed by loans, tried to approach him, but McConnell stared blissfully ahead, seemingly unable to hear their pleas.

The senator’s new barrier also meant he could not eat his meal, but McConnell later revealed that he subsists primarily on the fears of his countrymen, anyway.

“This is the first peaceful outing I’ve enjoyed in The Highlands in 35 years,” said McConnell, smugly carting a Styrofoam box full of leftovers for his wife, who does not yet have a bubble suit of her own. “I can’t wait to see Chuck’s face when I’m sporting this baby at work.” •

Bobby Petrino to begin comedy career

Former UofL football Coach Bobby Petrino held a news conference yesterday to announce that he plans to begin a career in stand-up comedy.

It was the first public appearance by Petrino, 58, since he was fired by UofL in November after winning just two games in 2018.

“So you intend to quit coaching and perform comedy instead?” a reporter for LEO Weekly asked.

“Hell, I quit coaching before last season started,” Petrino said.

The assembled reporters chuckled nervously.

“Dammit, Nick. Where’s my sound effect?” Petrino yelled into his headset microphone.

(A tinny rim shot sounded over the speakers at the Papa John’s restaurant near the UofL campus.)

“That’s my son. He’s as good at being my sound guy as he is at coaching quarterbacks,” Petrino said.

(The audience gasped.)

“Nick!”

(The wah-wah of a sad trombone crackled from the speakers.)

“All right,” Petrino said. “Any questions before I hit the showers or whatever comics do? Do comedians shower?”

“I have a question,” Courier Journal columnist Jim Tullivan said. “I’m trying to be delicate, but you rarely seem pleasant. Can you be funny?”

(A rim shot sounds.)

“Dang it, Nick! Not now,” Petrino stage whispered into his headset.

“Of course I can be funny. I broke down films on all the comedy greats – Larry The Cable Guy, Dane Cook.

“Comedy is all about timing. I have that. I stopped coaching as soon as Lamar Jackson left, and I walked away with $14 million. That’s timing.

“I’m kidding! My agent and lawyers got some of that.”

(Rim shot.)

“That’s my boy. Next question.”

“Where will you be performing?” Tullivan asked.

“Right here at Papa John’s. This will be fine. It’s bigger than my old office. I assume it is, anyway. I never went there.”

(Rim shot.)

“I’m going from Papa John’s Stadium to Papa John’s restaurants. My buddy Papa John Schnatter will open. He has a great joke about alt-white pizza.”

(Silence…)

“Nick!”

(Rim shot.)

“I see you scribblers are not convinced I’m funny,” Petrino said. “Picture me doing this with a neck brace on. I have more motorcycle bits than The Hammer’s clients.”

(Wah-wah.)

“How about an example of one of your favorite jokes?” LEO asked.

“All right,” Petrino said, consulting the large clipboard he held. “Here’s my closer. Get ready.

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?” the reporters asked.

“Scott Satterfield.”

“Scott Satterfield who?”

“I know, right?” Petrino cackled.

(Silence…)

“Nick!”

(Wah-wah.) •

U.S. Sen. Rand Paul advocates for individual freedom, except in single combat

Known cowboy capitalist and don’t-tread-on-me mouthpiece Rand Paul, a wealthy senator who believes the government has too much power, has long been an advocate for extreme individualism, except, it seems, when it comes to a physical fight. Paul was tackled by his neighbor last year and sustained a rib injury, due to stacking sticks incorrectly or some other sort of adjacent dumb, rich people shit.

Now, Paul says there should be more rules to make sure the plebs can’t put hands on him.

“Look, the government is a corrupt money-sucking machine that we need to rage against, and I’m a humble servant who shouldn’t be put on a pedestal, but it should be life in prison — and possibly the death penalty — for anyone who touches a politician,” Paul said. “But, since I’m a believer in individualism and freedom, I think there should also be a trial by combat system, which is why I’ve proposed Senate Bill 4815162342.”

SB 4815162342 states that if you hit, touch, breathe on, yell at or look into the eyes of a politician for more than 30 seconds, you can be convicted of the equivalent of first-degree murder. But, the accused party can circumvent the court system by declaring trial by combat. In the proposed trial by combat system, the accused can engage in a one-on-one fight to the death, and if they win, they are automatically set free. The accused must fight for themselves, but the politician has the opportunity to select a champion to fight in their place, because a person in the upper class engaging in combat would be “savage and ridiculous,” according to Paul.

“I got Brock Lesnar on speed dial, so if there are any more Rene Bouchers out there lurking in the suburbs, come get some,” Paul said. •

In wake of ‘In God We Trust’ success, Jesus sought as school security marshal

Having solved almost all of the public school system’s problems, state lawmakers who voted to put “In God We Trust” back in schools now have turned to religion again to help protect students.

“We are in talks with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to serve as our new state school security marshal,” said state Rep. Brandon Reed. “Well, I’ve filed a prayer request at my church, anyway and am expecting a response any day now.”

Reed said that Jesus would be the ideal candidate for the job, considering his ability to be omnipresent in every school at once, cutting down on gas mileage costs for the state.

“Since it’s Jesus and all, we’re hoping to be able to arm him, as well, at no extra risk to students,” said Reed. “Sure, he has powers beyond our imagination, but nothing in this world or the next could be as effective as a Glock 22 when it comes to protecting sixth and seventh graders, right?”

When asked for comment, God said “abso-fucking-loutely not.”

Reed is hoping to build on the success of requiring every public school in Kentucky to prominently display the words “In God We Trust.” Immediately upon installing the first sign, every student in the state became proficient in math, the reduced lunch program was replaced with unlimited, free manna for everyone and all fights scheduled amongst teenagers were abandoned in favor of prayer circles.

Reed attributes this partly to the number of infidels who were forced to leave school property, their skin burning in the presence of the Almighty’s name. •

LEO Investigation: Education Commissioner wanted teacher names for get-well cards

A source from inside the state Department of Education reveals that Education Commissioner Wayne Lewis, having no clue that teachers weren’t actually sick, had originally requested all of their names to send a series of flowery get-well cards.

Lewis was so distracted by daydreams of charter schools that he had no idea that hundreds of Kentucky teachers had gathered in Frankfort to protest HB 205 and 525, the source told LEO.

“Honestly, he spends all day staring out the window, plotting the downfall of public education — muttering about vouchers and school choice,” the source said. “I’m surprised he even knew they called in sick.”

The task of writing each teacher a personal sympathies letter was said to have broken Lewis from his dark reverie.

“He finally felt as if he was doing something useful for the world,” said our contact.

Upon learning the real reason why schools were closed, however, Lewis reportedly became enraged and vowed to work harder than ever before on destroying everything Kentucky’s teachers stand for. •

Mega Cavern rebrands to ‘Mild Cavern’ after sinkhole opens

While scientists search for why a sinkhole opened near the Louisville Zoo and Mega Cavern, the Mega Cavern has announced it is rebranding as the Mild Cavern, a mellower version of the cavern post collapse.

According to Marketing Coordinator Jan Sport, the cavern’s rechristening is as much about the current volume of the cave, as it is about making people feel at ease in being there.

“We wanted to take a note from Jimmy Buffett, who has inspired us through his Parrothead vision of the world,” said Sport. “The Mild Cavern is all about a chillaxing time where you can blow off steam, but hopefully not a flip-flop, with your friends.”

The Mild Cavern is being updated with margarita stations and ukulele rentals, to give visitors a mellow guest experience. The Mild Cavern will host exhibits honoring the city’s mildest inhabitants, including that dude who sells beef jerky at the bars late at night, and that lady who is always good to bum you a smoke. The cavern will feature an assortment of cover tunes by Louisville artists paying tribute to Michael McDonald and Steely Dan.

“What we need for people to understand is that, while we’ve incurred the terrible wrath of a dark lord of Hell that has caused mass destruction to our facility, the Mild Cavern is still a great place to take a load off,” said Sport.

Not everyone was down with the name change.

“Considering the recent llama attacks, it’s fair to say that a malevolent warlock or prankster Dracula is loose in the area and wreaking havoc,” said cave enthusiast Digger Shaft. “I mean, it’s way less mega than before, so I get that, but I know that some bad juju went down in them caves. Changing the name won’t change the devil’s work.”•

Topgolf offensive advances on the Lyndon front

Dispatch: This is Lyndon calling, dateline Louisville, Kentucky.

It’s Tuesday morning and before sunrise, enemy forces from the Topgolf powers have moved aggressively northward across the car parks. According to reports from those on the frontline, they may have taken Von Maur and advanced as far east as Kohl’s. At nine o’clock this morning, Oxmoor time, it was announced that a two-hour ultimatum had been delivered to Lyndon from the Topgolf Supreme Command, and that at the end of that time, hostilities from petulant residents must cease or Topgolf and the city would be at war.

Along Oxmoor Lane, the fog of war has never been thicker. Oxmoor Lane was once a beautiful thoroughfare of car dealerships, seasonal traffic cones and Shriners collecting donations in the face of oncoming traffic. Now, the street is tattered by errant golf balls, hollow Heineken bottles and the gnawed remnants of once delectable Topgolf Signature Wings — a visage reminding the people of this once bucolic village nestled between two large shopping malls that war time is nigh.

After this morning’s ultimatum, Lyndon Mayor Brent Hagan issued a stern warning to Topgolf CEO Dolf Berle. “A series of violations by the driving-range-cum-nightlife complex, intolerable to a Great Power, prove that Lyndon is no longer willing to respect the frontier of Topgolf and its abhorrent light pollution,” Hagan said. “In order to put an end to this lunacy, I have no other choice than to meet force with force from now on. A group of concerned citizens will fight this battle, armed with poster board and litigation, for the honor and vital rights of our sovereign city that borders an eight-lane highway.”

Tensions rose between the powers in 2018 after Topgolf’s declaration of their plans to annex principalities surrounding the Oxmoor Mall, with the intent to construct monumental 175-foot nets around the perimeter, in a portion of the city usually friendly to the sport known as golf. After rounds of lawsuits, the Topgolf High Command violated the treaty, moving scorched-earth across Yang Kee Noodle and Macy’s in an offensive known as the “Blitzkeg.”

As of press time, an ominous silence looms over Lyndon just before the ultimatum’s expiration as the two sides prepare for war, battling for the soul of the Lyndon theater, this important and long-developed stretch of big box stores, chain restaurants and various commercial properties. We will report additional details as they become available.

Good night, and good luck. •

UofL students sue celebs for not bribing their kids into UofL

UofL students filed a lawsuit in federal court in Louisville against two actresses arrested in the college admissions scam, “Real Housewives” star Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin of “Full House,” claiming that buying their children’s way into UofL hurt the reputational value of the students’ degrees.

The complaint argued that by neglecting to cheat the university’s admission system, the defendants created a “negative defamatory gist” that “devalued” the plaintiffs’ education and caused them personal embarrassment.

In a press conference, one of the plaintiffs explained, “This was insulting. We aren’t talking about the kids of stars like John Stamos or Bob Saget — or even Dave Coulier’s brats. This was Aunt Becky! The ‘Full House’ theme is almost over before her credits pop up on the screen!”

Another plaintiff identified possible future codefendants: “I partially blame Jim Ramsey and Rick Pitino. Before they got caught doing whatever they were doing, we had at least a reasonable expectation that a minor celebrity with a dumb enough kid would try to buy their way in, maybe posing as a cornerback on the UofL football team.

“Did you see how many points the secondary gave up?” he noted shaking his head. “Somebody must have Photoshopped their way onto that team.”

Local attorneys threw cold water on prospects for the lawsuit.

“I can understand that after the last few years, UofL students could naturally think that any flashy new university scandal would involve them,” said one court watcher.


“But after ‘Strippergate’ and the federal criminal trial involving payments by Adidas reps to recruit Brian Bowen to UofL, the university’s reputation is baked in — no matter what a pair of D-List celebrities do.” •

FOOD

BruLu gets new brewery, the city’s 78th

Bearded brethren rejoice: The 78th microbrewery has opened up in Kentuckiana. Set to open up in a section of the Portland neighborhood now renamed BruLu, The Old Hop Factory will feature that ever-elusive IPA style of beer, a bitter, hop heavy brewing style.

The brewery is opening on the same block as Hop Taco, the popular hop-influenced taco lab with an IPA edge, and the Hopsticle Course, a beer-themed homage to the “American Gladiator” franchise that rewards participants with craft brews.

For owner Alf Benson, the time is right for a new brewery. Seeing a dearth in BruLu in the paleo-organic, gluten fed, Thetan-free IPA market, Benson immediately put his home up for collateral.

“There isn’t a safer bet in 2019 than a microbrewery, especially in a city with only 77 competitors,” said Benson. “My wife Daytona and I took our earnings from Vape Drapes, a micro-puff vape and Pinterest Design shop that we franchised and sold in 2017, and we combined that with some of our inheritance to get our first macro-organic, flavor tank for our curated hops.”

The brewery plans to age their hops in a soy chamber with built-in Bose speakers, which will softly play Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire songs to give each and every floral note in their brews a mild suburban edge. Patrons can expect a #hashtag station, a moustache wax fountain and a live action Etsy board.

“All of our patrons are expected to sign a nonaggression pact, which is only there so that we don’t harsh the dank mellow of our hops,” said Benson. “Our signature brew is a Pickle Barrel Aged Artisanal Pale Ale that features notes of lavender and farm-to-table baked avocado, and the hop palate is sensitive to bad vibes.”

You can expect their doors to open on June 7 in celebration of Michael Cera’s birthday. •

Retiring mayor Fischer to open Compassionate Cafe

We hear that Mayor Greg Fischer is planning to go into the restaurant business when he leaves office at the end of his third term in 2022. Hizzoner’s downtown brunch and lunch shop will be called Louisville’s Compassionate Cafe.

Fisher’s hip eatery will reflect, in many ways, his long commitment to describing Louisville as a Compassionate City, we’re told. For instance, the menu will feature fare from 89 separate nations, and world music will be featured as background sound.

In lieu of the customary drive-through window, Compassionate Cafe will feature a bike lane, providing special access and speedy service for cyclists. Extra discounts will be available for those wearing spandex cycling attire.

Louisville’s homeless population will also be warmly welcome at Compassionate Cafe, enjoying the benefits of reduced prices and free gruel on Tuesdays and Thursdays. From time to time, however, typically at Derby season and when large conventions are in town, Metro Police will sweep the cafe and eject the homeless diners.

Homed visitors are asked to avert their eyes during these unfortunate incidents, or at least to avoid Tweeting and Instagramming the sweeps.

Compassionate Cafe will adaptively reuse an older, downtown building, of course; however, to accommodate wealthy diners for whom the inner city is a no-go zone, an exact replica — Compassionate Cafe East — will be built in Norton Commons.

Unfortunately, homeless diners cannot be accommodated at Compassionate Cafe East. •

Did Louisville’s $15 minimum wage work?

In 2021, Louisville’s restaurant servers finally won a guaranteed $15-an-hour minimum wage. It could only have happened after the massive generational change that came with the national Democratic landslide in 2020, and even then, there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth: Would the measure kill the city’s thriving restaurant scene?

Looking back on it a few years later, it’s clear that there was nothing to fear.

Certainly, as predicted, a few restaurants closed, but not for the expected reasons. A few old-school eateries shut down rather than comply. (“I ain’t paying more for a waiter than I do for a dishwasher,” ranted Abner Hatfield, owner of the now-defunct Abner’s.)

A couple more ran into trouble with the authorities only to be padlocked after they tried to adjust their budgets by hiding random transactions from the tax collector.

But overall the city’s restaurant scene stayed strong, and most of its players actually thrived in the long run.

As always, the notion that minimum wage hikes hurt business was proven false. Restaurateurs found, to their surprise, that their budget numbers still worked. With servers paid a living wage, there was no more need for tipping, so the average overall cost of a meal didn’t increase significantly. What’s more, as servers were lifted into the middle class, their new disposable income circulated right back into the economy.

“I could never afford to eat at Giuseppe’s before,” server Melvin Smith exulted. “Now I can go to the fanciest restaurant in town, and I don’t even have to tip!” •

Trufflery and Restaurant to open in the Highlands

A newly-discovered delicacy, “Sewer Truffles,” has inspired the opening of yet another niche culinary business in Louisville.

“Sewer Truffles,” a naturally-occurring fungus found growing in the dank caverns beneath the intersection of Eastern Parkway and Bardstown Road, are the hot new ingredient coming to Louisville menus this spring.

Chef Shoshanna Creeptorn first tasted the truffles shaved onto the top of a CBD oil brownie at the Bardstown Road farmers market last summer.

“The first bite was really weird, even off-putting in a way,” says Creeptorn. “But, the more I ate it, the more I liked it. I knew I had to get this ingredient onto a restaurant menu.”

Sewer truffles grow in the wastewater tunnels under the central Highlands, spawned by the accidental combination of a rare mildew with the high concentration of patchouli oil runoff from sinks and bathtubs in that neighborhood in the 1990s. Creeptorn’s business partner and sewer truffle forager Gary “Garcia” Plimpton explained the harvesting process as follows:

“Well, first you have to domesticate a groundhog, and that ain’t easy. They don’t care much for walking in a harness, and I have a lot of bites on my hands and legs to prove it. But only groundhogs can sniff out the truffles amidst all the other smells down there. Groundhogs used to be known as ‘whistle-pigs’ due to the high pitched noise they make when they alert to something, in this case the irresistible (to them, not me — god, those things stink) aroma of sewer truffles. Now, I believe there’s a limited supply of truffles down there, due to the decline in the popularity of dousing oneself in the hippie version of Axe body spray. But Shoshanna wants to open a business based on them anyway. So we’re rolling the dice, baby!”

The trufflery will produce sewer truffle oil, dried truffle shavings, a hop-forward sewer truffle ale and clever T-shirts, which feature a dispirited cartoon groundhog in a harness. The restaurant menu is still in development, but the signature dish has already been settled on.

“Truffles aren’t the only thing down there,” said Creeptorn. “There’s also a population of giant slugs unique to the area. I braise them slowly in the truffle oil, then slice them thinly on top of a fried hemp and chia cake. We’ve only found two of the slugs so far, but they’re about 4 feet long, and the meat freezes well, and I have faith we’ll find more, as soon as Garcia trains a new groundhog.” Plimpton’s first groundhog lost its life in an unfortunate altercation with the second slug found. Creeptorn and Plimpton’s The Muffled Truffle is slated to be open by Derby. •

MUSIC

Gov. Matt Bevin’s former hair metal band Hysteria Mysteria uncovered

It turns out Beto O’Rourke isn’t the only former-cool-dude-in-a-band-turned-weirdo-politician, as uncovered in a new Mötley Crüe documentary. The film reveals that Gov. Matt Bevin used to be in a Los Angeles hair metal band called Hysteria Mysteria.

“There was this guy in the ‘80s named ‘Bad News’ Bevin… I think his first name was Matt or something,” Mötley Crüe singer Vince Neil says in the film. “Anyway, he was in this band called Hysteria Mysteria, and they were the sort of misogynistic and disgusting that we all aimed to be. One time, onstage, he pissed on an old protest sign from the women’s suffrage movement that he stole from a museum. He hated the fine arts as much as equal rights. We all aspired to be him. And then he disappeared. I wonder what happened to him.”

Shortly after the documentary aired, the Courier Journal confirmed that “Bad News” Bevin — the lead singer of Hysteria Mysteria — was in fact a young Gov. Bevin. The publication also got ahold of an early Hysteria Mysteria tape, which includes the songs “Running With The Jesus,” “This Is America,” “Your Problem Seems Too Poor To Me,” “Kickstart The Chickenpox” and the lead single “The Right To Choose? How About: No.”

When contacted for a comment, Bevin embraced his role in the Sunset Strip music scene, although he said he wanted to suppress it on the campaign trail.

“The only reason I didn’t reveal my music background is that I didn’t want to run on the merit of everyone thinking that I was too hip,” Bevin said in a press release. “I wanted, from the beginning, to be a serious politician. Not one of those celebrity elitists who thinks that they know what common people need. I mean, could you imagine supporting someone like that? It was only two years of my life. I’m more well-rounded than that. So, I just didn’t want people to focus on that during the election. I am proud of the work that we did with Hysteria Mysteria. We made some good, solid music. Lots of powerful messages for the youth to think about. And that reminds me, Vince still owes me a motorcycle. Long story.” •

…And On the 7th day God Said, ‘I Guess Jazz is Ok As Long as You Wrap It Up Before 3 P.m. For the Reggae Program’

Approx. 4000-6000 BC

Coordinates: 38°13.52’N 85°44.5’W

(Future site of Louisville, Kentucky)

Wanting to enhance Her relaxation after spending the past week creating the entirety of reality and without a cigarette, God, the Divine and Everlasting, expended just a half of a percent of her nigh-infinite power to create a new set of sounds that would come to be known as “jazz.” A flood of swinging rhythms and cool blue cacophonous energy flooded into existence, filling all of space and time with as many notes as possible.

And this pleased God. For all of the next half an hour before the Almighty’s mind began to wander after realizing she was still listening to the same song. “Geez, did they really just play an E-flat over the A minor 7 during a ii-V-I progression in the key of G?!” Feeling overcome with a sense of guilt, God continued to listen, as she knew it was good for her: “Just pretend it’s the sonic equivalent of kale. It will keep you regular.”

After another 45 minutes God could stand this jive boogie cacophony no more, as she craved a more reliably upbeat and predictable form of recreational sound. By early afternoon the Infinite Spirit had devised a far more palatable new sound characterized by unrelenting upbeats and too much reverb. This new form of music would come to be known as “reggae,” and its use as a palate cleanse following a mandatory medicinal serving of jazz, along with the influence of using too much reverb at all times, is a proud tradition Louisville keeps alive to this day. •

New venue pays bands with mystery bags

After opening two months ago, the neighborhood concert venue The Velvet Nope has continued to confuse, bewilder and even excite musicians with its controversial payment system. Trying to avoid the negative trope of compensating bands with “exposure” or drink tickets, but still unwilling to pay actual money, The Velvet Nope has been offering randomly-generated mystery bags, each full of pointless and worthless items that are clearly from someone’s basement. According to multiple sources, items have included Frisbees branded with Nicolas Cage’s face, a copy of “Turner and Hooch” on VHS, a yo-yo buyer’s guide, a baggie of oregano that seemed to be disguised as dirt weed, as well as the Princess Diana Beanie Baby that your mom thought was going to be worth truckloads of money.

“The Velvet Nope is a leading innovator on really rewarding artists for their hard work and for helping us to draw a crowd, which leads to me making a bunch of cash from alcohol sales,” owner Braden Fandango said. “Nostalgia and irony are popular among millennials, so they prefer super weird surprises instead of a few bucks, anyway.”

Fandango allows every member of each band that plays the club to select a mystery bag after they finish their two-and-a-half-hour set. Claiming he developed the idea after he discovered the gift box subscription service Capitalism Presents on The Joe Rogan Experience, Fandango thought he could incorporate giving people things that they don’t really want or need into the world of live music.

“The best part of playing a show — aside from moving heavy equipment and rehearsing for months — is the reward at the end,” said Burt Hangover from the band Pud. “The Velvet Nope gives us a chance to chase our dreams, while also giving us a chance at sick swag. Our bills can wait. Who needs electricity and health insurance, when last Tuesday night we got seven copies of the ET Atari game?!” •

Punk at office job DESTROYS band (on Facebook) for selling out

A recent Facebook statement from a punk overlord:

“Goddammit. I was at work, and I just found out that fucking Fatal Income signed a deal with Shart Cat Records out of Memphis, and it’s really pissing me off. Look, I was into their demo tape and even went off in the pit at a few of their shows, but now they’re selling fucking MERCH… and touring… and charging $6 dollars — SIX — at the door like a bunch of corporate whores. They went from having courage and integrity to being this piece of shit — just trying to get rich. Everyone in my cubicle cluster agrees that this is fucking lame, and that any real band would stay true. Never would have happened 20 years ago. Never. My boss even agrees that sell outs are just the worst, and Chad is pretty much always on point and true to the scene. Seriously, Fatal Income is a bunch of goddamn posers. I’ve got more to say during my next break! Also, make sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel.” •

NEWS

Thorns & Roses

Why Nashville is better | Thorn

Eight Democrats joined the Metro Council’s seven Republicans to vote down a tax increase and embrace $35 million in cuts. None of the Democrats spoke before the vote, but one of the freshman was heard to say after, “Did we vote yet? I don’t understand what is being asked.” Another said, “I just don’t trust Mayor Fischer. I mean, during the campaign it was sunshine and unicorns. Then, he gives us 30 days to figure out an option? Why doesn’t he donate his salary?”

Wait… did the mayor say that? | Absurd

Nearly all city services will be cut. But Mayor Greg Fischer told LEO he won’t give up his doppelgänger, who attends events and meetings so Fischer can pound Red Bulls and play “Zelda” at home. Having a double explains why Fischer seems to be everywhere.

De(leet) | Thorn

Angela Leet, the former Republican councilwoman who lost to Fischer in the mayoral race, told LEO that she did not raise the pension cost issue during the campaign because she is an engineer, not an economist or business person. “The best I had to offer was: bike lanes, bad, and crime — bad,” she said.

GOP needs more moral fiber | Absurd

After Gov. Matt Bevin revealed that he intentionally exposed his children to chicken pox rather than vaccinate them, he told LEO he also has made them eat sawdust and wallpaper paste so they would know what it’s like to be a Republican. “Yup, bound up all of the time. You know, constipated,” he said.

Knit one, Cats two | Absurd

State transportation officials have decided to not finish painting the Second Street Bridge but instead to knit-bomb it. Meanwhile, work crews were struggling to stop hundreds of feral cats from sharpening their claws on the span.

Love shaq, baby | Absurd

Shaq is endorsing Papa John’s pizza, meaning nothing is left on Earth for him to endorse.

Kentucky man > Florida man | Rose

A Kentucky man caught a 20-pound goldfish…with a biscuit. [Ed. note: Not fake news.]

Fetal heartbeat, concealed gun laws repealed at last minute

Almost immediately after Gov. Matt Bevin signed the marijuana bill, the General Assembly in an historic, dramatic move rushed through new legislation to repeal an abortion law and another that eliminated concealed weapons permits.

Both laws had been lauded by the GOP as cornerstone legislation for the 2019 session, but leaders from the House and Senate said their caucuses had changed their minds, were “very sorry” and “hoped to do better next time.”

State Sen. Dan Seum was seen handing brownies out in both chambers before each voted on the repeals.

“What were we thinking?” asked state Senate Majority Floor Leader Damon Thayer, R-Georgetown. “How does it make Kentucky safer to let people carry hidden guns without training or recourse? And, those poor women — we never meant to intrude in their lives and second-guess doctors. It was all a mistake.”

The fetal heartbeat law would have barred abortions after about the sixth week of pregnancy, effectively ending abortion in Kentucky.

House Speaker David Osborne, R-Prospect, said the GOP generally believes life begins at procreation, “but, dude, I can almost see it from women’s perspective now. I mean, dude, what if women told me when I could take Viagra or, you know, told me when I had to be Master of My Domain?”

After the votes, clerks rushed the bills to Bevin’s office before the end of the session. “Gee, guys,” Bevin said to lawmakers crowded around him. “Don’t bogart those bills!” •

A&E

Make ballet hetero again

Sensitive to the needs of the community, the Louisville Ballet will roll out a special feature during its upcoming “Season of Imagination” that will allow ballet patrons to enjoy the art of dance without the looming danger of glimpsing same-sex touching onstage.

Interested patrons will be issued a pair of technologically-enhanced glasses at the door, which will use VR technology and an electromagnetic pulse to tap into the denial center of the brain, transforming every interaction into one of 100-percent heterosexuality.

“A much needed addition,” raved one ballet fan who was invited for a trial run. “Have you seen the ballet? Bodies everywhere, limbs flying around — it gets hard to police. Sometimes, when I leave a show I’m not sure who touched whom, and it’s hard to sleep, those nights.”

One season ticket holder expressed reservations about the glasses, saying it could lead to decreased vigilance. “If I put on these glasses, the very ‘Adam and Steve’ situation we’ve been warning people about for years could be right in front of us. The couple onstage could have, between them, a total of only two bulges in their leotards, and I would applaud as though they had three. I’m sorry,” he added, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief, “This is hard to even think about.”

But most of the early response has been positive. LEO spoke with Peter Pragmiss, inventor and engineer. “The original name was ‘hetero-goggles,’ but we went with ‘peace-peepers’ — because I invented them with family events in mind. We swapped them out with my Nana’s glasses, and it was just really cool to have a Christmas where we didn’t argue about anal sex at the dinner table.”

Theater ushers will receive safety training in case the glasses malfunction or dislodge during the performance. For these situations, on-site counseling will be available. •

‘T’rty Two Soup Cans,’ an evocative exhibition

There is something eerily familiar about Robert Plagerington’s new exhibit “T’rty Two Soup Cans,” a colorful comment on consumerism and advertising.

Plagerington’s show at the Hang It All Art Gallery & Whatnot Boutique in Fern Creek uses the Campbell’s Soup can as a metaphor for America’s obsession with commodities, arraying 32 in repetition with flat, uniform aesthetic, except for slight variations in the lettering.

“Pop art is about liking things,” Plagerington told LEO, adding that he had eaten Campbell’s Soup for 20 years. “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

Hang It All Gallery Director Selma Menow said Plagerington’s work is evocative of Pop Art icon Andy Warhol’s earliest pieces that brought him fame. “Some people might say they look exactly like Warhol’s art, but he is dead, and these are just so now,” she said. “I quite like this reflection of the past, but in the present. You know?” •

Staff Picks

Staff Picks

After your next weekend-long bender

Alcoholics Anonymous Citywide Meeting

Highlands No More-Tap Room

OK, Louisville… This is your intervention. The Shot-A-Mile Half-Marathon sponsored by Lil Jon was a fun, one-time thing. Your fourth consecutive wine night of the week was concerning. But Mommy & Me Combined Story/Happy Hour was the last straw. You need help. Literally everyone, except your long-suffering sober friend Kelly, has been court-mandated to attend mass Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Yeah, we know this is how you cope with living in the Midwest. Deal with it. —LEO

Tuesday, April 2

West End Garden Concert

With Louisville Orchestra’s Teddy Abrams

18th Street and Broadway | Free | Noon-2 p.m.

In a new series aimed at fostering sustainability and battling food deserts, Teddy Abrams will lead his first Garden Concert to launch community gardens on the long-vacant brownfield at 18th Street and Broadway. Food-related musical selections will include excerpts from Prokofiev’s “Love for Three Oranges,” Schubert’s “Trout Quintet,” Walton’s “Belshazzar’s Feast” and the aria “Hurray, hurray, the wine is here” from Haydn’s oratorio The Seasons. As an encore the orchestra will play Bach’s Coffee Cantata. —LEO

Thursday, March 27

Local Artist Giveaway For Charity!

Fancy Restaurant | Not in your neighborhood | Noon-when the artists run out or run away

Artists are always being asked to donate their art for this charity and that charity because: exposure! Well, the Art for Ladies Who Lunch has taken it to a new level. The charity is asking artists to donate themselves. They will go to the highest bidder during an evening filled with exploitation and regret. Come for the artists but stay for the dashed dreams and humiliation. “We endeavor to strip the last pretense of free will and self-esteem from artists. It is best for them to learn early, you know?” said Mrs. Robert R. VanProyen, chairwoman of the charity. —LEO

Wednesday, April 3

Council Benefit Concert For Metro Budget

Council Chambers

After last week’s council meeting, its members are seriously panicked about having to come up with $35 million in budget cuts. It’s not going to be easy, but this hastily put together concert could offset at least, eh, five-hundredths of the cost. The council is probing its own membership for talent, but so far, they’ve only come up with Councilwoman Barbara Sexton Smith orating over a gospel choir. —LEO

Fifteen Years Too late

Harry Potter Commune: Informational Meeting

The laundry room basement

of some dude’s apartment complex

Coming soon, from a few guys you played D&D with once: A Harry Potter commune for all you people who can’t stop buying tickets to those wizarding world beer festivals and bar crawls. It’s a chance to abandon reality full-time and regress entirely back to childhood (you can keep your booze, of course). Everything’s preliminary, but planners are envisioning a Hogwarts-like structure in the middle of Cherokee Park, Minister Fischer permitting. No magic though, because, well, even delusions have their limits. —LEO

Through April 25

Horror Show: ‘The Budget Slasher’

City Hall | 24/7 | $8-$13 a month (depending on final tax plan)

Director Jordan Peele may be the new Alfred Hitchcock, but for campy civic fright it’s hard to top Greg Fischer’s talent for conjuring up a good scare. His eldritch Excel spreadsheet of budget cuts is the bloodiest grid of numbers since Vlad Tepes’s impalement ledger. A post-apocalyptic dreamscape of closed libraries and the rusting skeletons of half-built community centers, it evokes a nightmare of criminals running amok and fire-charred suburban homes. Sure, it’s heavy-handed and melodramatic but it’s had city employees squirming in their seats for weeks! —LEO

Friday, April 5

Marathon Screening Of ‘The Jerk’

With The Jerk

The Bevin Mansion | Campaign Donations Encouraged | All Day

What better way to enjoy the classic Steve Martin film “The Jerk” than with the biggest jerk in the Commonwealth of Kentucky, Matt Bevin. This all-day marathon will be hosted by Bevin “Jerky Boy” himself. “Navin R. Johnson is what inspired me to become a top level jerk and to enter politics,” said Bevin. Bevin’s favorite quote from the movie is “The Lord loves a working man, don’t trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.” (If only we could see a doctor to get rid of him!) Provided snacks will include tuna fish on white bread with mayonnaise, Tab Cola and Twinkies. There will be cat juggling during intermissions. Rhythm not included. –LEO

VIEWS

The CJ brings back boring

By Red Green | bigmetroeditor@gannett.com

One of the greatest legacies of the Courier Jumble’s 150-year history is its fearless editorial voice.

But then we got afraid.

As we underwent recent staff reorganizations and adjusted our strategic priorities, the editorial board essentially disbanded. Essentially… No, it was disbanded. But, upon my arrival as editor last May, I launched plans to resurrect it. I slowly began to bring back real editorials. Not a lot, mind you: Gannott hates controversy so, naturally, I do, too. As a result, we have taken only the most-obvious, agreeable stands. Such as “Louisville Kroger shooting: We’ve had enough of the senseless violence.” (Sensible violence is okey-doke, though.) We offered no solutions or calls for action because, well, hard! But we use short sentences so editorials appear important and dramatic (and so old people and millennials can understand them).

We’ve had enough of this epidemic of gun violence.

We’ve had enough.

As we move forward, we won’t be afraid to raise hell when it’s appropriate, such as these editorials: “It has been raining a lot: A call for thoughts and prayers,” “Traffic bad, but you decide” and “5 things to know about this editorial.”

The next step has been to identify well-informed, in-house leaders for an editorial board and to find — once more — our consistent editorial voice. Members are our community engagement editor, local sales director, marketing manager, news director, senior digital producer and me!

One other critical point: The board’s work is different and separate from the CJ newsroom. Its voice and opinions do not and will not imply bias in our reporting. Oh… wait… how can that be when I and two newsroom editors are on the board? See, typically, editorial boards are made up of editorial writers who report to the publisher to ensure a wall between news and editorial.

So, then, why did we choose the sales and marketing directors? Deep thinkers? Experts? To protect advertisers? Hmm… Some say we should have gone with our respected op-ed contributors, Ricky L. Jones, Marc Murphy and Scott Jennings, among others.

Nah. We just don’t want to be provocative (and we would have had to pay them).

If you think the CJ has gotten more boring and predictable (if that is possible), then you are right! And the reason is — I am now editor, the third in four years. When I got here, we also had an executive editor, but he is finally gone! I kept him around just long enough to show him how newspapering is done — to reeducate him on the Gannottoid mandate of fierce centrality. The CJ was getting too interesting, too loosey-goosey under him, what with that story on March Madness vasectomies (“Those are the little buddies that carry erectoplasm from a man’s baby factories to his blowhole … ”).

Yes, I’ve been busy destroying what he did. I put back “the” before the Courier Jumble. Too late to restore the hyphen to the Courier Jumble, though (my monogrammed vest sweaters were ordered already).

I brought back arts coverage. Not actual reviews like the CJ had back in the day, but previews, basically lists from press releases with maybe an interview. No music or visual arts reviews… or dance. Yet, we are committed to arts coverage! Why? The Old Money Mafia in town set me straight at an awkward meeting: They want their hobbies pimped!

And, we remain dedicated to public service journalism. Sure, some of our investigations team have left, but we are working with ProPublica to do a Big Investigation because, well, the nation’s largest newspaper chain needs help! We got a grant to write about food insecurity because, again, help! (Alas, a big supermarket is a big advertiser, so we glossed over its and other markets’ roles. Only LEO noticed, but who reads that angry tripe?) [Not fake Ed. note: 117,000 people, according to the latest media audit.]

Speaking of food, we cover the bejesus out of restaurants and the high life because… young people have money! Like 3,500 words on fish fries. It got great analytics online!

See, Gannott believes The Internet Machine is the future. We run stories online first, and then maybe, just maybe, in the paper a week or more later next to ads for hearing aids. Old people don’t know the stories are old. It’s all part of killing the printed paper by shrinking it and jacking up prices until old people stop subscribing (or die).

But, back to editorials: We’ll meet regularly to discuss pressing issues for our communities and state and — when appropriate — weigh in with editorials. My favorites: “Louisville needs more pizzerias” and “Gov. Bevin: Please leave Tom Loftus alone!” •

Exclusive LEO Interview: Mayor Fischer irked, loses his compassion

By Java Sanka | jsanka@leoweekly.com

Mayor Greg Fischer has preached “compassion” since he was first elected in 2010. However, the Metro Council showed Fischer little compassion last week, voting against his proposal to increase revenue and forestall $35 million in service cuts by raising the insurance premium tax. Fischer sat down with LEO to talk about what comes next and a potpourri of other items.

LEO: How are you feeling Mr. Mayor?

Greg Fischer: Well, I’m pretty upset. Irked probably best describes my state of emotions. I’m filled with uncontrollable irkiness.

Wow. I don’t recall seeing you this upset.

Probably not. I usually keep a tight lid on my anger.

How do you plan on coping with that?

Bourbonism. Our city is the capital of the global Bourbon industry, so I will Bourbonize.

Good choice. Whose fault is it the tax bill failed?

I don’t like to point fingers. It’s a failure on the part of our entire state, on the city, on the council and on my part.

But if you had to point to one reason?

Well, [Brent] Ackerson and [David] Yates hate my guts, so…

What comes next for the city and the $35-million budget deficit next year?

It’s a truly perilous position we are in. I don’t know if you saw LMPD cancelled some training courses. We are going to have to cut, cut, cut. We’ll start with projects and services in the following districts — 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 14, 16, 18, 19, 20, 22, 23, 25 and 26.

Why those districts?

Life is good in those districts. The citizens there seem to have excess police and fire protection, sidewalks, parks and other amenities.

‘Seem’ to…?

Yes, otherwise their council member would have voted to protect those things.

That feels a little… vindictive?

Whoa! Of course not. I have to find $35 million in cuts next year. The people who voted for my tax proposal clearly want those services, while the people who voted against me clearly don’t. How else am I supposed to determine who gets cut and who doesn’t?

Do…

…Excuse me, except for Ackerson and Yates. Fuck those guys.

OooooK… So, do you have any regrets?

I wish I didn’t tell anyone about the $500,000 surplus we had last year, which we spent on helping the homeless get through the winter. Not that helping the homeless wasn’t a priority, but so many of the councilmen who voted ‘no’ were fixated on that money. They be like, ‘Oh, so how many more $500,000 surpluses don’t we know about?’ Although, I guess that’s my biggest regret — that I have to tell the council anything, ever. It’s a barren wasteland over there.

I thought you liked a lot of the new council members?

Oh, don’t get my wrong, it’s far better than it’s been in the past. We haven’t had one member’s pants fall down. No members’ butts have been grabbed. Can I say ‘butts’ in the LEO?

Yes.

…OK, good. Sorry… And, while some members are always posturing for their next campaign, at least they’re looking to run in the United States, not in Nigeria. So, yes, the council has come a long way in a short period of time. The simpletons still outnumber the sophisticates, though.

So, because we rarely get a chance to speak directly with you, but instead are usually handed off to a spokesperson, how about a few rapid-fire questions… big picture?

While I don’t like the gun reference… Shoot. I mean, fine.

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

Vanilla.

Favorite color?

Gray.

Favorite band?

Maroon 5… No wait, Coldplay.

Favorite music genre?

Smooooooth jazz.

Favorite TV show?

Anything on C-Span 1 or 2.

Not C-Span 3?

Ha, what do you think I am… some sort of nerd?

OK, final one — favorite word?

Compression. •

Evil teachers serve children food during sick out

By Chad Bigly | bigly@NoTheTruth.pizza

The so-called sickouts by our esteemed teachers in Jefferson County have proven again how liberals lie and cheat every chance they get. First, these pathetic teachers lied and pretended to be sick — not! But, in doing that, they taught our kids to lie to get their way, and they put those same kids in harm’s way. If teachers aren’t there to babysit them, what am I supposed to do? It’s their job to raise my kids in a way I want and to be criticized by me for doing a thing that I don’t understand in a way that is convenient to me.

That’s not even the half of it.

Can you believe that these disgusting liberals have sunk so low that they made sure that kids got fed when they were in Frankfort to sass our great governor? They set up in places on their day off to exploit their freedoms as lying snowflakes by “supposedly” feeding the kids who they should be watching — for me and everyone else — instead of just going to work and not standing up for their values like every other God-fearing American with a lick a sense.

Here’s what I really think is happening though: They’re feeding these kids liberal brain-control juice. You read that right: This is like chemtrails but for your brain.

It’s so clear when you look at their agenda. Just think about Occam’s Blazer, or whatever. They pretend like they “care” about kids, when we all know they’re just greedy millionaires who want to jet ski all summer and probably suck the blood out of baby Jesus, or whatever these libtards do. Then, they get you, because you feel like they’re on your side, when really they’re just putting their livelihood on the line so that they can brainwash our most precious gifts to support their disgusting agenda for people to be treated like people.

I even started a blog about this witchcraft at NoTheTruth.pizza, to expose the disgusting underbelly of the liberal elite. If you are sick of seeing your kids turned into blue-pilled, liberal snowflakes, read my blog articles about how we can purge all these smooth-talking, smart mouths from our education system and help our benevolent and completely aboveboard state officials fight these scum feeding our children on their days off. •

On: Editor’s Note, we are progressive liberals, we don’t care what you think

Coincidentally, Aaron, we really don’t care what you think either. Do people still read LEO? —People Who Say That But Keep Reading LEO

on: council votes against tax increase and for $35 million in cuts to services

The representatives of the people have spoken, and they prefer to see us scrutinize every aspect of the budget before we saddle taxpayers with new taxes. —Councilman Anthony Piagentini @CMPiagentini

You moron! What do you mean “before”? This meeting was “before.” Now, all that is left is just cuts, you idiot! Didn’t you read the “How To Be A Councilman For Republican Dummies” before you took office? —Everyone else in the city

Sounds reasonable. Bring on the cuts. Paying $12 more a month in insurance versus closing libraries, Meals On Wheels, fire stations, parks, golf courses… wait. Golf courses?! —David Jones Jr.

Why doesn’t Louisville just sell the rights to the city’s name to raise the $35 million? You know, Papa Johnstown? —John Schnatter

on: hannah l. drake,

i am going to keep telling it like it is

Hannah, your columns make me sooo uncomfortable because they force me to look at myself honestly and… feelings! I mean, really, I am not a racist, but… —Becky, your ally from The East End

on: mitch mcconnell doesn’t mind boogers in his food when he dines out

What a waste of boogers. —Kentucky Democratic Party

on: state lawmakers pass only bills on abortion and guns during session

Exactly like we all were taught at the Koch Bros. Institute for Faux Intellectuals. Good work, Koch Head comrades!

—Jordan Harris, executive director of the Pegasus Institute

on: gov. bevin’s head explodes

after taking selfie with himself

Sad. I taught him everything about being self-absorbed. But he took narcissism to the next level. Should I try it? —Donald J. Trump

on: courier journal website has more pop-ups than whac-a-mole

Our website may suck, but try subscribing to the actual printed paper! If you can get through to someone to take your subscription order, then half the time the paper ends up in the bushes, and the rest of the time a mere breeze will blow its skinny ass off your porch. —Eddie Tyner, president of the CJ

clarification

Due to editing and transcription errors and bourbon, not everything in this issue is fake… or even funny.