1. I Was in a Cult

Mormons wince at the word “Cult” because it gets tossed around at them so much. Let me tell you why Mormonism is a cult. There is no criticism allowed of the leaders, there are commandments on your clothes, your food, and your thoughts, contention of any kind is considered a sin (3 Nephi 11:29, Book of Mormon), obedience is the number one lesson taught and specifically obedience to current leaders (despite any contrary teachings from the past), and there is constant brainwashing from childhood to adulthood. Even more extreme rules than these for full time Missionaries.

Coming out of a cult feels is so much like the cliched Red Pill moment from the Matrix. Suddenly your eyes are opened. You realize that you knew something was just not quite right about it, but were too afraid to face the truth of it. All of the hours being indoctrinated, the need for people to say it’s not a cult repeatedly to themselves. I remember crying and praying so earnestly to have some peace for my cognitive dissonance and insecurity. It never came. But, in my broken self, the bold structure of Mormonism made me lean not unto my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) and was some kind of relief to the chaos it was causing.

2. Non-Mormons are People, Too

When I lost my faith, this idea dawned on me. No longer did I see the rest of humanity as experiencing “a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD.” (Amos 8:11). I felt connected because I had much more humility towards everyone. I didn’t look down at anyone or see them as possible converts.

I felt a distance as a Mormon from the rest of the world. If I saw someone had tattoos or smoked or drank alcohol or coffee I felt like a tourist around them. They weren’t part of my tribe. So, they became Zoo animals of a sort. Lost and confused, seeking fulfillment in things that wouldn’t last, if only they knew what I knew. Yet, at the same time, I desperately wanted them to know that I was like them, that I was normal, that I was cool. Any Mormon so desperately wants you to know that they’re actually normal and if you believed the same as them you would agree. That’s because Mormonism is a culture. Every coming of age milestone in Mormonism is expected without question. It’s just what you do and who you are. You feel completely normal because in that environment you are. Which is why it’s so hard to leave.

3. Mormons are People, Too But…

Now, that I have come out to my Mormon friends and family as a non-believer, I feel distance between us. The same distance I felt as a Mormon around Non-Mormons. I’m on the other side of the fence. I’m one of “them” now. A label often given is “Anti-Mormon” which encompasses all resistance to the Mormon cause. It is used to dismiss any arguments quickly so that you may compartmentalize it and move on. As much as I wanted Non-Mormons to think I was normal as a Mormon, I now want Mormons to think I’m normal as a Non-Mormon. They can’t do it. At some level, there will always be “an awful gulf, which separated the wicked from the tree of life, and also from the saints of God.” (1 Nephi 15:28, Book of Mormon).

4. No One is Going to Save Me

With the immense dependence the Mormon Church demands of its members, I felt like I was continually waiting for blessings for my obedience. When they didn’t come, it was because I wasn’t good enough and should repent. The circular logic just made me more dependent and the church became the keeper of anything good in my life. This is Stockholm Syndrome, to be honest.

Any happiness I felt was a “tender mercy” from God, given to me for my obedience to arbitrary rules of not drinking coffee or wearing special underwear. I was completely owned. A hymn, sung routinely, titled “I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” is just the tip of the iceberg of the kind of dominance the church has over its members.

Once I stopped believing, it hit me that my happiness was up to me and that I had to do something about it. Not all Mormons are so lulled, but it is extremely easy to be comforted in your crappy situation because of an imminent heavenly reward. Now, I have to save myself from having a crappy life. Scary.

5. Everything about Mormonism Now Makes Sense

The mental gymnastics needed to stay faithful in Mormonism are overwhelming and eventually you either stop believing or just say “I know the church is true.” A very common phrase in Mormonism. It’s said to alleviate the mind of all rationale against the church. I used to say it often, despite not really knowing. I was taught that the peace of ignoring your logical brain was the Holy Ghost testifying to you and that all your positive emotions were also the Holy Ghost.

Looking through the lens that God was in charge of the church, it all fell into the mysteriousness of deity. Losing that perspective, I can now see that the ordinances in the temples are stolen from Masonic rituals of which Joseph Smith experienced as a Mason, that the Book of Mormon is an 1800’s fan fiction of the Bible, and that the last hundred years of leadership is old white men trying their best with what they have. The weird traditions aren’t divinely inspired but relics from a time when they weren’t weird. I can now appreciate the whole religion much more than before because of these realizations. I can actually feel more empathy for it because of this understanding.

I have to admit, I didn’t leave Mormonism. I just stopped believing it is divinely inspired. Now, I don’t have to apologize for it or attempt to mold my square version of it into a round hole. I can see it for what it is. I can be at peace with it.