Ostrich God vs Moore and Strange.JPG

An image from the Zion Leadership Fund's new attack aid aimed at both Roy Moore and Luther Strange.

(Matt Mitchell)

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Nothing he writes is true, including this work of satire.

In an attempt to distance Himself from the two divine name-dropping candidates, God has launched a series of attack ads against both Roy Moore and Luther Strange.

"It's important to note that the Big Man Upstairs does not choose sides and loves all of His children equally. Any statement suggesting God is limiting Himself to a single political campaign is patently false, as His omnipresence cannot be contained," explained Gabriel, a spokesangel for the Zion Leadership Fund. "This is the Creator of the Universe we're talking about. Not the grandpa from Duck Dynasty."

Rather than focus on Strange and Moore's favorite topics, the commercials focus on serious issues that are more pertinent to Alabamians.

"To be honest, we're a little more concerned with Alabama's infant mortality, childhood poverty, and cardiovascular death rates. If God was working exclusively with either candidate, I guarantee He wouldn't tell them to ignore those issues and talk about how much you love guns," added Gabriel. "I can see all of you pretty well from up here. Alabama has no shortage of guns. It's probably your second largest import behind those women's shirts with the shoulder fabric cut out."

The Zion Leadership Fund also took the opportunity to reference a popular Sunday School song, "Jesus Love the Little Children," which was misquoted by Moore earlier in the week.

"We definitely changed the lyrics to 'every color, every race, we are covered by His grace,' back in 1982. I guess Mr. Moore didn't get the memo," explained Gabriel. "To be fair, he might've been taken off our mailing list. He's pretty good at being removed from things."

The ads take aim at Luther Strange too, who the Zion Leadership Fund claims is clearly in violation of the 2nd Commandment.

"We're still trying to figure out what the religion is called, but Big Luther appears to be fully committed to an orange-colored idol and his holy text, which comes in 2 sentence verses via Twitter," stated Gabriel. "He's not shy about it either. He won't stop talking about this shrine he plans to build in south Texas called 'the wall.' Terrible name, by the way. They obviously used the same marketing firm responsible for the Tower of Babel."

The 30-second ads began airing this morning and can be seen on television, the internet, and the subconscious of every registered voter in Alabama.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich]