expression



indicating that you should tolerate oppressive or belittling language as long as it affirms societal norms the suggestion that language that affirms your secondary status is a gift, that you should aspire to embody qualities that allow your oppression to continue

In Context:

Compliments are generally a great way to show people that you respect and appreciate them. When somebody slaves away over a meal, for example, it’s considered polite to say what you like about the food. If somebody goes through the trouble of buying you a gift or doing you a favor, it’s nice to tell them what a great friend/fan/servant they are. When somebody has put a great deal of effort into their appearance, common courtesy dictates that you assure them their efforts haven’t been in vain.

Popular wisdom generally affirms that everybody likes a compliment, but as a regular woman wearing regular clothes and sporting a completely unenhanced face, you’ll notice an interesting phenomenon. Though you may be choosing not to dress or do your makeup in any special way because today is all about getting stuff done, beauty standards be damned, many men will feel a compulsion to publically announce their feelings about your appearance. Generally these comments will come in the form of unsolicited “compliments” in which total strangers will share their thoughts on your clothing, level of fitness, choice to wear or not wear make-up, height, weight, bra size, or any other visible aspect of your being. After forcibly sharing judgements that, in another (VERY different) context, might be considered positive, these men may have a hard time understanding why their onslaught of unsolicited commentary is unwelcome and actually rather threatening. Their belief that you’re existence invites their thoughts and advice is, however, just that: threatening, controlling, and, if we’re being honest, super annoying. Get over it, guys! “Complimenting” a woman’s breasts when she is just trying to get a damn jog in is not a mitzvah, it’s a giant flashing arrow that ruins the anonymity we all desire while wearing disgusting workout clothing and sweating profusely. Defending this behavior is as unhelpful as committing it.

You may also notice colleagues of both genders using seemingly positive but actually subtally belittling language in the workplace as a way of expressing that (a) you are a desirable commodity on the dating scene but (b) are not to be trusted with thoughts or ideas (see: young). They may insist they are being complimentary when using words like “young,” “pretty,” and “thin,” which to be fair do sound vaguely laudatory, to describe you. The issue is, these words are rarely used to describe respected managers or workers. Good employees can be effectively complemented using words like “helpful,” “impressive,” “thoughtful,” or “creative,” none of which describe physical appearance or marriageability. Telling a female colleague that you appreciate their physical similarities to a trophy wife is actually dismissive and insulting and no amount of insisting that you were saying something kind will fix this.

It is ultimately your right to decide whether to accept or reject unsolicited compliments. Should somebody insist you not take offense at something that is clearly intended to make you feel small, it is also your right to “compliment” them for something equally irrelevant like having small toes or a perfectly even farmer’s tan. Then, stick your tongue out at them and spit on their shoes. People need to learn.

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