By Charity Case, Our Welfare and Benefits Correspondent

Work and Pensions secretary, and aspirant Village Idiot, Ian Duncan Smith yesterday dismissed “geologists, scientists and other brainy folk” as useless to the economy.

“What the economy needs,” he said, “is shelf stackers, and more shelf stackers. As long as the country’s shelves are stacked, what more is there to an economy?”

The Moron for Chingford and Woodford Green, lied on his CV about having any qualifications.

Duncan Smith, according to a former employer who once tried to train him in basic literacy, was “as thick as the thickest mince in existence” was speaking after the High Court dismissed the government’s flagship Slavery Initiative as illegal. The DWP has been running the Slavery Initiative, designed to turn aspiring scientists into shelf-stackers, for several years. It is believed almost 20,000 people have been diverted from “economically useless” geology-based careers such as mineralogy and oil engineering into more vital tasks. In order to make such critical but dull tasks more appealing to ambitious graduates, management consultancy firm McChuckemup (Meatheads) was paid £20 million to re-brand Poundland jobs, creating such roles as “engineer: optimal stratigraphy layouts for baked bean displays”.

However, Classics Professor Dr. Ambrainier Thunyousur of the University of Glasgow dismissed the suggestion intelligent people are useless. “It is unfortunate the government is run wholly by idiots, who don’t understand the contribution of those less ignorant than them. Science and technology have been at the forefront of driving the economy since Jethro Tull kicked off the agricultural revolution by inventing the seed drill during a break from playing his flute.”

Tory MP and a director of Poundland, Will Amricher-Sothere, hit back at the over-qualified tit saying, “there are simply not enough high paying, interesting jobs to go around at the moment. That is economic reality. Graduates from poorer backgrounds must accept that they cannot expect to secure these over the wealthy sons and daughters of the elite. To suggest they should be able to leap-frog the wealthy simply because they are “more clever” or “better qualified” is elitism of the worst kind.

Geology for Dumb Dummies

Geology (from the Greek words Geo: “old” and Logy: “pile of pish”) is the study of rocks, stones, soil, sand and other similarly useless things. Lazy folk pretending to be clever staring at stuff like that dates back at least to ancient Greece when Theophrastus (372-287 BCE) wrote the work Peri Lithon (On Stones), before he was hauled in front of the Departmentyka of Anti-intelligensia and Makumwurkfuritae and forced to become a slave butchering horses for cheap Moussaka.

In the Roman period, Pliny the Elder, who was an idle bugger who’d have been far better off stacking goods for passing traders, wrote in detail of the many minerals and metals then in practical use.

Scotlandshire layabout and waster, James Hutton, is often viewed as the first modern geologist. In 1785 he presented a paper entitled Theory of the Earth to the Royal Weurdeadclever Society of Edinburgh. Here, the smugly over-thinking scrounger who added nothing to shelf-stacking in Scotlandshire, explained the Earth must be much older than previously believed by normal gut-thinkers, after studying rocks “for bloody ages” and thinking about mountains.

A Hootmsmon editorial at the time described his discovery thus: “That any man should be furnyshed with such time as to thinketh on such triviality is proof, were proof required, that those in government must forthwith assure they have not such idle speculation time and are instead gainfully employed for the profit of merchants in the trade of goods in Edinburgh”.

In addition to the extraction of oil and minerals, geology has other totally useless purposes, such as allowing smart-arses to patronise us by explaining the Earth is 4.5 billion years old then bamboozling us with explanations we don’t understand. It also allows for an understanding of plate tectonics, volcanoes and earthquakes – best known for their ability to rapidly de-stock supermarket shelves in tectonically active areas, thereby creating employment.





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