UKIP begin search for Newark candidate without Twitter account

UKIP officials have begun searching for a candidate for the Newark by-election, but have yet to find one who hasn’t told the Internet all of their hateful opinions.

The by-election is expected to be closely fought, with UKIP gaining in many polls, however party officials feel they are at risk of fielding a candidate who might have written down their thoughts in a place that people can actually read them.

A party insider explained, “The Internet is a dangerous place – in many cases you only have to tell someone to go back to bongo-bongo land once, and it stays up there forever. You can’t take it away again.”

“It seems Twitter is extremely popular with UKIP supporters and officials, which is a shame really.”

“If we could find just one candidate who hadn’t used the social media platform to start a series of Tweets with ‘I’m not racist but…’ then my life would be a lot easier.”

“As it is, I’m forced into a decision on what is easier to spin in our favour, repeated references to ‘robdog paki shops’ or insults thrown at ‘the muzzies in the curry house’.”

“And these are just the ones who made the shortlist.”

UKIP candidate for Newark

Social media expert Simon Williams told us that UKIP’s search for a candidate that has so far kept their opinions to themselves, is likely to fail.

He explained, “The problem with most modern racists, is that they think they’re right, and they’re not afraid of telling you so on social media, using their real names.”

“At least in years gone by racist organisations had it easier by getting their members to hide under pillow cases with the eyes cut out – you know, so you could deal with them during the day without finding them repellent.”

“Now we know who they are, and they won’t shut up about it.”

“Maybe UKIP should look to the Amish community for their candidate?”