Washington D.C.—

Kellyanne Conway unveiled a new legal defense strategy for President Donald Trump today, appearing on multiple cable news shows on CNN and Fox News to elaborate.

“The President of the United States is not a liar,” Ms. Conway explained to CNN’s Jake Tapper in a response to a question concerning whether or not the American people should believe anything that comes out of the mouth of any person directly or indirectly related to the Trump Administration. “Trump merely is a forgetful man who routinely gets momentary bouts of amnesia where he can’t remember certain details regarding his total innocence of all alleged crimes past and present. But I can assure the American people watching your show here today that the President does not suffer amnesia in any matters related to national security or public policy, and that his chronic amnesia in no way negatively impacts or impairs his official duties as President. It’s just that the President is so innocent and guilt-free of all of these fake news scandals that sometimes he totally forgets what it is he has been accused of. So when the President was asked on Air Force One some weeks ago if he knew about the payment to Stormy Daniels or was aware of where the money came from and he, without pausing and without any apparent second thoughts said ‘no’ a combined five times to the two questions in what appeared to be sociopathic, blatant lies—they weren’t lies, the President just had a moment of amnesia and forgot that his attorney Michael Cohen paid Ms. Daniels $130,000—which isn’t that much money when you think about it—because, even though Ms. Daniels is lying and the President couldn’t pick Stormy Daniels out if she were in this room right now, the President was worried that the mere rumor of a totally fake affair allegation would upset his wife Melania Trump, who the President is always faithful to and has never even thought about looking at another woman because he’s just so loyal to Melania. And if you ask the President about any of this he may forget again—because of the amnesia. Which, again, I cannot stress enough in no way impairs his ability to serve this country as President.”

Jake Tapper, who had throughout this rant kept a straight face, suddenly burst into flames.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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