Every wife has her secret to getting her own way with her husband. Handing him the remote control. Making his favourite meal. Or perhaps a foot-rub at the end of a hard day.

But, there is, of course, another trick women can deploy to win over recalcitrant spouses — one as old as time, but rarely admitted to in polite company.

And that is sex.

School receptionist Clare Matthew, 39, with her deep-sea diver husband Rob, 35. During their eight-year marriage, Clare has dangled the promise of an ‘early night’ to secure an astonishing number of purchases — for their Colchester home and as treats for herself

There are few more powerful weapons in the marital arsenal — especially years in to a relationship, when the fires of passion are fading, eroded by childcare, work and familiarity.

Yet using sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want remains one of the last taboos in these sexually liberated times, a great unspoken truth — despite the fact it’s a dynamic which, to varying degrees, lies at the heart of most marriages.

But there are some women brave enough to lift the lid on this most controversial form of bartering. And they confess that they either use sex by offering it up like a particularly tantalising prize or withholding it until their man accedes to their demands.

As they testify, such a practice can get you everything from luxury Caribbean holidays to designer spending sprees. Moreover, these women see little shame in their behaviour, instead saying their exploitation of their husband’s weakness is just another part of marital politics.

Claire says: ‘The truth is Rob will do anything for sex. And so I use this fact mercilessly to negotiate what I want for me, for my home, for our future’

Clare Matthew, 39, a school receptionist, is one such wife. And she says that using sex as a weapon has only strengthened her marriage to Rob, a 35-year-old deep-sea diver.

‘The truth is Rob will do anything for sex,’ she says. ‘And so I use this fact mercilessly to negotiate what I want for me, for my home, for our future.’

During their eight-year marriage, Clare has dangled the promise of an ‘early night’ to secure an astonishing number of purchases — for their Colchester home and as treats for herself.

The list of things gained in such a way is, she says, endless. ‘There has been a £900 washing machine, a £200 direct marketing course and constant upgrades of furniture, including a £1,100 dining table and chairs. For myself, I enjoy splurging on regular massages for a bit of “me” time. I’ve also treated myself to countless pairs of shoes and a Michael Kors watch that cost £180.’

Clare says she first used her feminine wiles in the bedroom as a tactic for ‘a bit of a joke’ six years ago.

Clare and Rob Matthew with their kids Sophie, seven, and Ben, six, on a Halloween break at Alton Towers on 2016. The couple's bedroom is out of bounds to their children

Clare and Rob Matthew with their children on holiday to New York in 2015

‘The first time I did it, I was amazed it worked. I wanted a pink Laura Ashley bedroom. I love pretty country-style florals. But it is rather feminine, so Rob wouldn’t agree to it. He’s an ex-Army man and has served in Afghanistan — I can understand why it wasn’t to his taste.

‘But I really, really wanted this look. In an off-the-cuff remark I jokingly promised him a night he wouldn’t forget if he agreed. I got my girlie bedroom. It was that easy! Since then, I’ve used it whenever I’ve needed to.’

Their bedroom is out of bounds to their children, Sophie, seven, and Ben, six. ‘They know it’s where Mum and Dad sleep together and they each have their own room,’ says Clare. ‘Rob and I have a rule that we always go to bed together. Once we’re snuggled under the duvet, it’s then we’ll talk. We’re a very tactile couple and Rob adores a backrub. It helps that he is at his most pliable then too.

‘I’ll only pick my moment if I sense he’s sufficiently relaxed. Call it feminine intuition, but then if I whisper in his ear about booking our holiday, for example, he’ll say yes. He’s never said no.’

The first time Claire used sex as a bargaining tool was to get a pink Laura Ashley bedroom

Claire says: ‘I have a very low sex drive. Only 20 per cent of our lovemaking is for pleasure. The rest of the time I use sex for negotiating. While I do make myself get into the swing of it, there are times I lie there and, for example, think of my Laura Ashley bedroom'

‘I have a very low sex drive. Only 20 per cent of our lovemaking is for pleasure. The rest of the time I use sex for negotiating. While I do make myself get into the swing of it, there are times I lie there and, for example, think of my Laura Ashley bedroom.

‘Giving my husband what he wants means I get what I want. We’re both happy. It doesn’t mean I don’t fancy my husband, I do and I love him to bits. But our sex drives are so different. It’s human nature to put more of an effort into lovemaking when I know there is something for me at the end of it.’

Today, Clare says not only is such behaviour normal in her social circle, but that she even swaps tactics with girlfriends. Indeed, she insists that every wife, deep down, is keen to ensure that she gets what she wants out of her marriage.

‘Rob isn’t a fool, he’s perfectly aware what’s going on. We both have different needs. I love shopping, he loves sex. This way both our passions can be met. I do sometimes push his patience, though. I recently spent £200 on our credit cards when he told me not to.

Hayley Garbutt, 49, used sex to get husband Maurice, a 51-year-old engineer, to book a holiday to the Carribean

Hayley says: ‘Maurice hates shopping, whereas I can shop for England. However, I only have to say the word “extra!” to him and he’ll keep quiet for the rest of the day. It’s our code word for what he likes between the sheets. Knowing he is on a promise means I can keep shopping’

‘We’re moving house and every penny counts. He was so furious that in the end I had to promise him — and deliver — some quality “sexy time”.

‘Some may accuse me of behaving like a prostitute. But I disagree. I believe that what you put into relationship, you get out. And I have no doubt that our marriage will last.’

However, psychotherapist Jennie Miller, who specialises in couple counselling, is uneasy about what she believes is essentially a form of manipulation.

‘I have huge misgivings over someone using the sex part of a relationship as a bargaining chip rather than as a loving act which brings you closer together. These sorts of tactics aren’t part of a grown-up relationship.’

Yet Hayley Garbutt says her tight control over her love life is what keeps their marriage alive. When analysing her relationship with Maurice, a 51-year-old engineer, Hayley is emphatic: ‘I’m the dominant person in our relationship.

‘For example when we were booking our holiday recently, we talked about taking just a week off for some winter sun.

‘At first I was looking at Cape Verde or Spain, but I really fancied a break in the Caribbean. I wanted to go to the Dominican Republic. Yet travelling so far for just a week seemed ridiculous.

‘So when I found a package holiday for a fortnight, I pleaded with Maurice to take another week off work. He moaned about having to use holiday from this year’s allowance.

‘However, I know Maurice likes me to dress sexily in the bedroom, so I did just that — and got the holiday. I don’t feel bad. Men like strong women.’

The couple, who live near Scarborough, married just six years ago — although they were once teenage sweethearts. Hayley, a dog groomer, believes it is vital for women to maintain standards in their marriage.

Hayley and Maurice on holiday. She says: ‘If I’m honest the sex is always better when we’re engaged in this back and forth “dance”. I make much more of an effort, and there’s a frisson of electricity in the air even before we’ve started'

‘It’s important to look your best for your other half. I’m a fun and bubbly person, but I like to look glamorous. Even though I’ll be 50 next January, I’m not going to let myself go.’ Indeed, Hayley claims her well-kept looks and figure are part of why it’s ‘easy’ to talk Maurice into purchases.

‘Maurice hates shopping, whereas I can shop for England. However, I only have to say the word “extra!” to him and he’ll keep quiet for the rest of the day. It’s our code word for what he likes between the sheets. Knowing he is on a promise means I can keep shopping.’

Hayley isn’t always successful in getting what she wants. ‘It took me a while to get some new lighting for the kitchen. Maurice didn’t think we needed new ones. I did. So I thought OK, you wait.

‘We went to bed that night and he started stroking my skin, which is always what he does when he wants sex. I primly said: ‘‘Not tonight, Maurice.’’ When he asked why, I just came right out with it, saying: “Remember the lighting?” I won’t back down. It took a couple of nights.

‘But even though I know how to play him, I’m never nasty with it. Once, I wanted us to book a holiday, so I greeted him home from work in a dressing gown. He thought I was ill — but underneath I had on some lovely lingerie.

‘After he’d eaten, I took him to bed and reminded him how his sex drive increases in the sunshine. The holiday was soon booked.

Offering sexual favours is deeply troubling. What happens when you lose your libido while going though the menopause or long-term illness? What do you fall back on? This isn’t sustainable.’

‘If I’m honest the sex is always better when we’re engaged in this back and forth “dance”. I make much more of an effort, and there’s a frisson of electricity in the air even before we’ve started.’

However, therapist Lizzie Falconer has serious misgivings about such sexual bartering — and believes the women who use these techniques in the bedroom are degrading themselves.

‘Offering sexual favours is deeply troubling. What happens when you lose your libido while going though the menopause or long-term illness? What do you fall back on? This isn’t sustainable.’

While many wives swear by all-out seduction for getting what they want, others say withholding sex is just as effective. Former model Kimberley Nicholl Thomas, 35, admits she does just this when negotiating with her husband, Martin, a 41-year-old painter and decorator.

‘The term “football widow” could have been invented for me. When it’s one weekend after another it gets a bit much. That’s why when I’ve had enough I refuse him sex.

Nowadays, he recognises the signs. Normally we sleep naked, but on the nights I’m withholding sex, I’ll be wearing my pyjamas and the light will be off. He knows then that sex is off limits. It rarely takes more than a week for him to give in — and prioritise time with me and the family over matches with his friends.’

So is this clever marital politics — or exploitation? Psychotherapist Jennie Miller is clear: ‘My rule of thumb for anyone engaged in such behaviour who tries to pass it off as acceptable is “Would you be happy if your daughter was doing this?” Surely, the answer would be no.’