Big Brother’s house is open once more! Every week, Parade’s Mike Bloom will be bringing you interviews with houseguests as they get evicted from the game.

The game of Big Brother often subscribes to the credo cemented by The Kinks: “Paranoia will destroy ya.” One could enter a week high in the chip count, only to have their wariness get the best of them, squandering the metaphoric cash they had in hand. You would think Rachel Swindler, an entertainer from Las Vegas, would have witnessed it firsthand loads of times. But perhaps it’s easier said than done, as after agreeing to be a pawn for Head of Household Bayleigh Dalton and subsequently melting down over her position, her alliance decided she was a liability moving forward. As such, she lost to the house, leaving her emotionally raw and speechless as she attempted conversation with host Julie Chen.

Rachel entered the house as one of its largest fans, hoping to outlast her friend and Big Brother 17 houseguest Jackie Ibarra. Starting off, she hit fewer roadblocks than Jackie. She got in on the ground floor of the “Level 6” alliance with Angela Rummans, Brett Robinson, Kaycee Clark, Winston Hines, and HoH Tyler Crispen. With Tyler in the third ear of Kaitlyn Herman, she was able to lay low for the first several weeks of the game. It even got to the point where she was so under the radar that she received a “Crap App” from viewers, which involved an irate reviewer summing up her every action with a lack of stars. Despite his assessment, Rachel was playing a game that some would consider five stars. Not only was she a part of “Level 6,” which was functioning like a well-oiled machine compared to the chaotic ride that was the opposing “FOUTTTE” alliance, but she also became a part of an all-female alliance called “The Maneaters.” Rachel was laying down a good stretch of road that would take her into the end game. But like her actual road-laying performance in the most recent Veto competition, it was about to stop short.

As an entertainer, Rachel had put on an excellent first act of Big Brother. But disaster would strike in the second act, ending in an early curtain. When Bayleigh slid into the HoH room, there was still a lingering aura of mystery that hung in the air after Kaitlyn’s eviction: who cast the hinky vote? Scottie Salton had a theory and went to Bayleigh to propose it was Rachel (perhaps as an act of revenge after she chased him around the house in the early days, trying to become his first kiss). “Queen Bay” had her own plans with Rachel, deciding to put her up as a pawn against Brett, her intended target. To alleviate the announcement, she put her trust in Rachel by disclosing her Power App, which allows her to override any nominations moving forward. Though Rachel put on a brave face initially, as soon as her face showed up on the nomination wall, she crumbled. Bayleigh informed her that Veto holder Tyler told her he would want Angela put up if he used the Veto, which sent her on the warpath. Nobody was keen on believing her, even her closest ally and the person she was trying to protect in Angela. But what she did do was get the gears turning in the heads of Level 6, as they realized Brett was once again the more stable ally of the two. The 44th night of Big Brother 20 was full of shockers for Rachel. First, in yet another incendiary speech from the firewall specialist, Brett lied that not only had Rachel told him about Bayleigh’s power but that she was the head of “The Maneaters.” Then, despite getting the votes of “FOUTTE,” she was stunned to find that her alliance had completely turned on her. Running on empty emotionally, she looked to the goodbye messages for solace, only to see her BB BFF in Angela calling her a liar and their alliance irrelevant, sending a chill through the air-conditioned studio.

Now out of the house, Rachel talks with us about her reactions to both Brett’s speech and her eviction, why her emotions took over the last week of the game, and what her feelings are on Angela after watching her goodbye message.

You were understandably speechless when you spoke with Julie last night. Now that you’ve had some time to process, can you put words to your feelings?

I’m a humongous fan of the show; I’ve been watching since season one. I’m incredibly humbled and excited to be a part of Big Brother 20. I understand it’s a game, and I understand that I got played. I was upset at the moment and visibly shaken right after. But as I’ve had time to sit down and marinate [in] it, I know that I was a bit of an emotional wreck this week. I’m sure that scared my alliance. Somebody manipulated my emotions and trust against me, and my alliance turned on me. I guess my irrelevant-ass deal with Angela–I don’t know where the hell that came from. Kaycee and Angela were the two who really hurt me the most. Everyone else, I don’t care.

Speaking to that emotional reaction, you made a beeline right for the front door when it was revealed you were evicted. You did get four votes to stay. Why did you decide not to talk to your fellow houseguests as to who kept you on your way out the door?

I didn’t know who the four votes were. Brett’s speech threw me off. I thought at the moment, “Maybe the guys teamed up” and it was the guys and one girl. Or it was my alliance; I knew it was either or. So I didn’t want to sit there and call people out when I didn’t know the facts. If I ended up calling my alliance out and it wasn’t them, I would have felt bad. I [wanted] them to go far, and I would have felt guilty. I wanted to make sure I had everything straight in my head. I should have known that it was my alliance, Brett’s speech threw me off. I know he was going to do something. He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me for two days.

Let’s talk about Brett’s speech. Last night, during it, we saw a shot of you visibly gulping as he throws your name out there. What was going through your head at the time?

I had told Angela about the power; she was the only one I officially told. I hinted to Tyler that she had it, and I only did that because I was questioning Tyler and I wanted him to trust me again and know this is why I trusted Bayleigh. I was going to be protecting Tyler with this too, so he’s a [expletive] idiot! If they had just kept me…it’s just ridiculous. At that moment, if I had not hinted to Tyler, I would have known it was Angela [who told Brett], and then I would have called her out. But at the moment, I was like, “Well, it could have been Tyler. They could have got the guys all in on it.” I don’t want to ask people if I don’t have the facts straight.

What about the other part of the speech, when you were being called the leader of “The Maneaters”?

[Laughs.] Whatever. He’s stupid. He just threw that in there because he needed to get a dig at me. The person who’s leaving doesn’t have a say any more; there’s nothing I can say to those people anymore. I can’t say that it wasn’t me, but the girls know that it wasn’t me. I played a very loyal and trustworthy game, and I know the people in the house knew I was on the other side. Fessy and Bayleigh have to know I was playing loyal. I don’t think they’ll believe him because of the whole Rockstar thing; he’s already done this stunt before. They’re not going to believe him; it’s not true.

Let’s rewind to the beginning with the week when Bayleigh sat you down in the HoH room and gives you this “good news/bad news” talk where she says you’re being nominated, but tells you about her power. In retrospect, do you feel if you had spoken up more about not getting put up, you wouldn’t be sitting here talking with me?

Yes. That was the whole guilt thing I was going through; that’s why I was so emotional. I thought I was safe, and I was trying to save Brett all week. I was even going to tell Tyler, “I don’t care who you use [the Veto] on, use it on one of us.” I went into that room twice, and they were long conversations. Just constantly beating a dead horse, going over the same thing over and over again. I felt like I was like, “Well, I mean if you need to…” Either way, I felt like I would stay. I felt like my girls had my back, that Kaycee and Angela would never vote against me.

What do you think about Bayleigh revealing her power to you?

When she told me that, I knew she wanted to work with me and gain my trust. I felt like when she revealed that to me, she was going to put me up anyway. [Laughs.] She wanted me on the block because she needed a pawn, someone who wasn’t going to come back after her. JC would have come back after her. She kept going back and forth with me, and I eventually said, “Okay, I guess.” Then I go down to the Have-Not room and start crying immediately. I’m like, “Freakin-A! I can’t believe I even gave her a sliver.” She came down to the Have-Not, and I said, “I don’t want to be on the block.” Then she promised me at that moment, “If I win the Veto, I’ll use it on you. If anyone else wins the Veto, I’ll have them use it on you.” She made it very known she was going to have the Veto used on me. So I felt very safe.

As you said, you are a massive fan of the show since the beginning. What was it about being on the block that made you break down emotionally?

It was guilt. I felt guilty for being next to Brett. I felt I could have talked my way out of being on the block better. As a player, I was like, “Rachel, come on! How did you let this happen? You let someone put you on the block.” I felt like I could have talked Bayleigh out of putting me up. If she had put up Brett and JC, JC would be out of the house right now. I wish I had done more for my team. I was thinking about my team; I wasn’t thinking about me. I’m a “ride or die” girl, and I “ride or died” for the wrong people, clearly.

Speaking of that team, I know a couple of weeks back, when it was Brett vs. Winston, you all decided as an alliance that Winston was more of a loose cannon and was less of a steady ally to keep around. Do you feel like the same thing happened this week, where your allies looked at your reactions and assessed that Brett was more steady emotionally and therefore a more manageable ally?

Yes, I was thinking that as well. Kaycee was saying things to me like, “You need to calm down and not worry about other people.” I went off the deep end that one night because I was contemplating Tyler and things he was doing. Being on the block and having your game up in the air is highly emotional. I am an emotional person, and I knew my emotions would more than likely get in my way because I can’t control them. I’m really hard on myself, especially because I’m such a big fan of this game and I wanted to play such a great game. So I’m hard on myself for any bad decisions I made. I felt I played a really good game, and then I was pissed I was on the block. They probably thought I was a loose cannon; that definitely crossed my mind after it happened.

Let’s move on to talking about your fellow houseguests. I need to start with Angela, who was your closest ally in the game but gave you a scathing goodbye message. Now that you have this information, how do you look back on your relationship?

I felt it was genuine to a certain extent. If she has been playing me this whole time and not being loyal to me, she’s a pretty [expletive] person. She made it seem that I was her best friend in the house, and she would ride or die for me. She was my one person. We made it a point to distance ourselves from each other in the house so that no one would associate us as a duo because we wanted to make it to the end [together]. I had a day where I was really upset because she was doing such a good job of being a bitch. I brought her to the geometry room, and I was like, “Hey, can we talk about this real quick?” [Laughs.] I thought she was getting close to Brett. And she was like, “I’m not mad at you. Me and you to the end, I’m so sorry.” It was pretty devastating…not devastating; I don’t care. I have amazing friends, and I have loyal friends. I’m so incredibly lucky and blessed to have the friends I have in my life. I don’t need Angela. The fact she would choose to listen to anyone else’s word above mine is ridiculous. But it’s a game, and she chose not to believe me. So I don’t really care about her.

What about Scottie? In the beginning, you try to be his first-ever kiss, but it turns into you constantly targeting him. What changed there?

My relationship with the other side of the house started to get better. I heard Scottie threw my name out. [Even] before I heard this, Scottie frightened me. I didn’t know where his head was at; I didn’t ever know what his plan was. I knew what everyone else’s plan was except for Scottie. Being a fan of this show, I knew he was probably a triple threat. I could tell he was putting on an act with his antics. So I was like, “This boy! I’ve got t get him out. He’s too much of a wildcard; I don’t ever know what he’s doing.” So I wanted to get him out. If I won HoH Week 3, he would have been my target. And he would always make comments about me [being a threat]. He would be like, “Oh wow, that was smart of you, Rachel!” or “Wow, you’re really good at this, Rachel!” And I’m like, “Why are you calling me out right now? Stop saying I’m good at things!” [Laughs]

Tyler was part of your alliance, but when you found out he may have suggested Angela go up as a renomination, you were furious. You mentioned him earlier on in this conversation, but what do you think about his game overall?

He’s the sneakiest, snakiest player in the house. He’s working every angle. I gathered a lot of information about him this week. If he really did go up and throw Angela under the bus, Angela will be gone soon, because he’ll turn on her! I think with that, I pissed off Angela and Kaycee, and they probably turned on me. Who knows?