It's four years since the Icelandic volcanic ash cloud caused by Eyjafjallajökull brought flight chaos to northern skies. Now another volcano blast could cause similar disruption

It'll be time for some Bárðarbunga, if Iceland's latest volcano threat erupts

Name: Bárðarbunga.

Age: Old enough.

Appearance: Cool on the outside, smoking hot on the inside.

Sounds promising! Bárðarbunga! Sorry?

I don't know what it is, but it certainly sounds saucy! It's a site of intense seismic activity.

Nudge nudge! This is serious – it's huge and poised to erupt.

Said the actress to the bishop! Bárðarbunga! And if the persistent tremors are anything to go by, a significant emission may be forthcoming.

I think we both know what we're talking about! We're talking about a volcano. In Iceland.

Are we? Oh. The Bárðarbunga volcanic system is 700m beneath the ice in the north-west region of the Vatnajökull glacier.

You don't say. According to Iceland's meteorological office, the volcano has "very strong indications of magma movement, in connection with dyke intrusion".

I'm presuming that's not as innuendo-laden as it sounds. No, it isn't. An actual earthquake – the strongest measured in the region since 1996 – was recorded there earlier this week, prompting authorities to raise the aviation colour code to orange.

What does a code orange indicate? "Escalating unrest with increased potential of eruption." There's a possibility that an emission of ash could disrupt air travel.

You mean like when that Eurhgaflurhga erupted whenever that was? Eyjafjallajökull. In 2010. More than 100,000 flights were cancelled, millions of travellers were stranded all over the world, and the skies above Britain were planeless.

That's going to happen again? I have holiday plans! Don't worry too much yet. An eruption may be too small to cause an ash cloud. The best case scenario is that there is no eruption at all.

The best case scenario is that I get stuck in Spain for an extra week. The worst case scenario is that I never get there in the first place. Actually, the worst case scenario is a major eruption that has a catastrophic impact on climate and agriculture across the entire northern hemisphere.

I can't believe how quickly a kinky sex story has turned into a boring geology lesson. It was never a kinky sex story.

Do say: "Is that an explosive subglacial eruption on your seismograph?"

Don't say: "Or are you just glad to see me?"