BOSTON—Touting its 100 percent success rate, administrators at job placement service Scion Employment Solutions explained to reporters Tuesday that they help students who fail out of their dad’s alma mater find work at their dad’s company. “We have an impeccable track record of assisting students who flunk out of the college their father attended with finding gainful employment in the firm where he now works,” said managing director Sean Claymore, explaining that his agency conducts extensive research across the organization where their client’s father is in upper management and finds a well-compensated junior executive position ideal for someone who quit his father’s alma mater after three semesters. “The success stories are remarkable. Just recently, we took a third-generation Harvard student who failed out before even choosing a major and, within a week, staffed him with a six-figure salary at the banking firm where his dad is a vice president—it turned out that a handful of failed or never completed liberal arts courses was exactly what the company was looking for on a résumé.” Claymore added that every one of their previously assigned clients remain employed in good standing at their dad’s business, as workers who have absolutely no idea what they’re doing are widely considered irreplaceable.

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