TORONTO – Following the announcement that schools in Ontario will be returning to the prior 1998 sex-ed lesson plans, educators have begun dusting off old materials, which instruct students to act more like the sexually meek Chandler Bing and less like the sexually provocative Joey Tribbiani.

“We have to speak to these kids on a level they will connect with and the books really lean on Joey as the clearest model for promiscuity available,” said Martha Westlock, a TDSB Superintendent, “we want to ensure that young people are only engaging in sexual behaviours with their special someone, and not taking risks with multiple partners.”

“Unless they’re on a break,” she hastily added.

The 1998 literature goes on to encourage students to consider all relevant factors before deciding to have sex, such as: “Is he spongeworthy?”, “Does she make you feel shaggadelic?”, and “Do you go ‘schwing!’ when you see her?” In place of instruction on the mechanics of sex, the materials direct teachers to simply play Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind for the class and then to see if there are any questions.

“This is a much better replacement for the radical sex-ed program [Kathleen] Wynne was touting,” said Premier Doug Ford, “after all, why teach students about masturbation when showing clips of the hair gel scene from There’s Something About Mary can do the same thing and also make everyone laugh at the movie’s hysterical depiction of the disabled!”

When asked what schools will do about the noted absence in the 1998 curriculum of any discussions of homosexuality, transgender/gender fluid identities, or anal sex, the provincial Tories dismissed the concerns as “totally gay” before clarifying that they meant it in the way that it means lame and “not the gay way, retard”.

Early reports suggest that the grade 8 instructional course on the dangers of alcohol addiction will simply be replaced with a brochure that includes the lyrics to Tubthumping by Chumbawumba.