Hello. My name is Alec Craft. I’m 29 years old, and I live in Nashville, Tennessee, USA.

I suffer from depression.

As you may know, this condition can sometimes be hard for people to understand or relate to. Many people say, “Just shake it off!” or “Soldier on!” The trouble is, depression is actually a chemical state in the brain. But that’s just jargon. This is what depression is to me.

Imagine that life is a meal. Tasty food is something in life you enjoy. Bland or nasty food, obviously, is not. In the “meal” of my life, no matter how tasty the food is… no matter how much I eat… it never fills me up.

I am always hungry.

A deep, wide, giant black hole is inside me, and it swallows everything up. I throw everything I possibly can inside this pit, but I never even hear anything hit bottom, much less fill it up.

The world is bleached of color for me. My arms and legs are weighed down with lead. Attempting to do the simplest of chores requires great effort and energy. It is often difficult to focus; my brain is full of fog, thick and heavy. I cannot work. I cannot finish my education. Simply taking care of myself is like hiking up a mountain, backwards.

I have tried many different remedies and treatments, none of which have proven effective. There is one alternative treatment that may work… but insurance will not cover it. I am asking anyone who has it in their heart to help me, to donate.

Read on for further details, below. And thank you.

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It’s difficult to define the date this depression began. It was at least as far back as 2007. Before that, throughout my life, I was frequently miserable. I have Aspergers Syndrome as well, which basically means that my brain is wired differently. Many of my old friends from school days could probably tell you how weird I was.

But I matured. I learned to control it. To cope. By 2007, I had developed a sense of responsibility, confidence, and well-being. I exercise and eat balanced meals, for example.

But the hole was, and is, still there.

I like to put colors to it. Before 2007, my life was “black” and miserable. Now, I am “merely” gray. Bland, dull, empty. It’s a good deal better than before, of course. But the vast, yawning emptiness! The weights in my stomach, in my limbs, make relatively simple tasks into Herculean labors.

I have searched and searched and searched and searched for a way to fix this.

There is an intrinsic connection between the body and the mind. Healthy body, healthy mind, right? So, as I said before, I exercise and eat right. I drink lots of water. I do not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don’t even drink caffeinated or carbonated drinks.

I have read lots of positive thinking books, some with outrageous claims, others more down to earth. I fill my mind with positive things. I listen to uplifting, fun, and peaceful music. I watch very little TV, and never anything bloody or disturbing. Every night, I jot down in a journal a few things I’m thankful for that happened that day.

I surround myself with friends. I have many good friends, upon whom I can rely. I meet up with them often, playing games, grabbing some fast food, or just hanging out. I am close to my family as well, and on better terms with them than ever before.

And this merely keeps me “gray”.

If I did not do all this, as I started to do around 2006 and 2007, I would go back to “black” and miserable. It is all I can do just to run in place, much less move forward into more vibrant and colorful moods.

And I am running out of steam. With the inability of positive living to cure my depression, I have been sloughing off in recent months – exercising less and less, being less careful about what I eat, letting my gratitude journal sit untouched. It takes more and more effort do them, when there seems to be no result.

Occasionally – very occasionally – I will actually become happy for a handful of moments, for no discernible reason, other than some random neurochemical confluence. I keep track of them; there is no pattern, no way of recreating the feeling.

In the past year, I have had 7 such moments. None of them lasted longer than 5 minutes.

As colors, they are “green”, or even “gold”. The perpetual knot in my stomach dissolves. It feels as though liquid light is flowing through me; I feel warm and light and airy. I am extremely relaxed, but not tired or sluggish. I become more generous, more magnanimous. I enjoy whatever happens to be going on. One time this happened when a football game was on TV. I smiled and cheered on both teams and for five minutes, I had a wonderful time.

I don’t like football. I am not a sportsy person in general. But when I am happy, I enjoy whatever is around me.

That is “gold”. Most people don’t feel that way all the time anyway, I realize. But “green”, a step down, is realistic. I am actually content. I am motivated. I feel like life is worth it.

The hole is filled.

My goal is to be happy. “Green” if you will.

Many of my friends will be surprised to read this. I keep it to myself. I smile. I do not like to air out my personal problems; in fact, I am extremely nervous sharing this now. I am a solution-oriented person. Vomiting my angst over others will not solve anything.

I have begged – begged – God to help me, to bless me, to make me happy.

I have tried many different antidepressant medicines over the years, with a psychiatrist. Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Prozac, a few others I can’t recall. Singly and in varying combinations with one another. They have done exactly nothing for me. The exception is my current prescription: Zoloft and Wellbutrin together, which has a tiny effect, making it just a bit more bearable.

Psychotherapy over many years, with many professionals, has not solved it.

I then began to research alternative treatments, with the help of my doctor.

Hypnosis – both professionally induced and self induced – has been ineffective. Part of the problem seems to be my belief in it; I am very much a skeptic at heart, which makes it difficult to have faith, which seems to be a requirement for effective hypnosis.

ECT – electroconvulsive therapy, or “shock therapy” – has come a long way over the years, but it carries a risk of amnesia, and indeed, has been shown to have merely temporary or little results.

TMS – transcranial magnetic stimulation – seemed like it might be a viable option, but multiple professionals have told me it also has temporary or little results, unlike its original hype claimed. In addition, insurance will not cover it.

DBS – deep brain stimulation – is a form of major surgery that puts an electrode in the centers of the brain that regulate moods. However, it is very expensive; as with any major surgery, it carries risk; and the version that has been approved by the FDA is a less intrusive one that is also less effective, if at all.

There is still one option that gives me hope.

Biofeedback.

Essentially, EEG wires are placed on the patient, monitoring some vital function – blood pressure, brain waves, etc. – and displaying it in realtime to him or her. Your brain and your body are involuntarily intelligent enough to, without conscious control, automatically adjust itself according to the feedback.

Many people have lowered their blood pressure in this manner, including my doctor.

Specifically, the form of biofeedback I am looking into is neurofeedback, which monitors and “feeds back” brain waves.

I will be honest. Biofeedback is controversial. There are some who say it is completely ineffectual. There are some who swear by it almost religiously. A relative of mine who is a medical doctor, offers a balanced opinion: there are not many professionally done studies on it, so it is difficult to know conclusively, but it does seem to have a helpful effect; for some, a very helpful effect.

I am running out of options. I will give anything a try, and thus far this is the most promising and least expensive.

But it is still rather costly, and insurance will not cover it.

I have been communicating with Dr. K, a Ph.D. in psychology who practices neurofeedback for depression. She is professional in both manner and training, and both I and my doctor feel comfortable with her.

She charges $250 (250 American dollars) for an initial session, and $60 per subsequent session. At least 20 sessions are required to be committed to, and it can take up to 40 sessions, occasionally more.

So the minimum investment is $1,450, but if I end up needing all 40 sessions, $2,650.

So I am swallowing my pride and asking for help. Please donate to my Paypal account, so I can afford this treatment. $10, $5, $1… any amount, no matter how small, will help. If you still can’t offer any money, I ask for your prayers. Mine are ineffectual; perhaps God will hear yours.

Please help me. Please help me to fill the hole.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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