WASHINGTON, D.C. — The office of Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH SHIT I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING) has released a statement following the news that all of the twelve of the Thai soccer players and their coach have been safely rescued from a cave after days of intense drama.









In his statement, Jordan’s office gives his “warmest congratulations” to the team of divers and rescuers who saved the 12 year old boys on the team. Jordan refers to the players as “young male athletes” and says he was “jealous” of the divers who got to make the attempt.

“Rep. Jordan wishes to extend his warmest congratulations to the heroic team that just rescued all of those precious young male athletes from certain doom in Thailand,”

the letter states. “Congressman Jordan is, frankly, a little jealous of the divers who got to be in such close quarters with these fine young specimens!”

Jordan writes that while he can see that the experience in the cave would be “harrowing” for the boys, he himself sees perhaps a silver lining coming out of the ordeal.

“Perhaps one day these boys will back on that hole in the ground as a place of glory for those who saved them,” Jordan wrote. “A glorious hole if ever there was one!”

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Congressman Jordan writes that he is “quite pleased” with the rescue operation’s outcome, but that there is “vital work” that still has to be done for the boys who were rescued.

“Rep. Jordan remains committed to keeping a very close, watchful eye on the soccer team,” Jordan wrote. “Some might say that the congressman may keep too close an eye on the boys, but is that really a thing?

It’s is a “just in case” situation, Jordan believes, and he will only “study” the soccer players “for their own good.”

Whether or not he’s wearing pants while he does it is none of your business though, guys, just FYI.

Read Rep. Jordan’s full statement, below.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.