1. A bag of Beacon’s Closet rejects became sentient before it could be dropped off at Goodwill and immediately started a band.

2. The plug of hair from a tub drain got trapped in the Brundlefly machine with a Led Zeppelin tape and a half-empty bottle of Drakkar Noir.

3. They’re a sleeper cell working for Big Caftan.

4. My God, remember that one kid you picked up hitchhiking in ’96, who had a pile of jimsonweed he kept playing with and bragging about how high it got him, and you gave him a pair of your socks, because he’d been wearing Converse commando-style for so long that his toes were wrecked? These are his kids.

5. The Spirit of Music, angry that Spotify broke its business model, manifested them as punishment for a greedy and uncaring listening public.

6. You know how sometimes things start out as a joke—like, ha ha, just being ironic—and then all of a sudden it’s for real, and one of your friends is a Proud Boy? Yeah.

7. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GIVE PARTICIPATION TROPHIES.

8. The dude who used to sleep in that van covered with airbrush tigers that was permanently parked in front of the library started a boy band, and, you know, sometimes the wrong people get lucky.

9. Oh, God, none of this is happening, we’re all just high, we’re all WAY TOO HIGH.

10. The kids just like garbage, man.