Peeps, Smoking & Alcohol

A Three-Part Study

Introduction: Physicians are continually warning the public of the risks involved in smoking and drinking. Here, we investigate whether these same health risks apply to Peeps.

Methods: To fully understand the effects of these substances, we decided to expose Peeps to each condition individually, and then in combination.

Step 1: Peeps and Alcohol Step 2: Peeps and Cigarettes Step 3: Peeps, Alcohol and Cigarettes

Step 1: Peeps and Alcohol

Materials:

This study began (as many do) with one gallon of 95% [190 proof] ethyl alcohol. The precise text on the label may be viewed by clicking on the image to the right.

Methods: The peep imbibed liberally. Note that this Peep is having trouble swimming upright. This same peep bumped into the sides of the experimental chamber several times over the duration of this study.

Results: The test subject did report a moderate headache and some nausea the day following this study. Otherwise, however, this Peep was not substantially or permanently impaired.

Step 2: Peeps and Cigarettes

Materials: Our Peep subject was permitted to select the cigarette brand of its choice. Please remember that representatives of the tobacco industry insist that they have never marketed their products to young chicks.

The peep grabbed a smoke...

And lit up.

The subject began smoking...

and continued until its nicotine craving was fully satiated.

Results: The Peep showed no adverse signs to smoking this cigarette, although it expressed concern that it might someday be forced to huddle outside public buildings in the snow. Of course, it can quit anytime it wants to...

Step 3: Peeps, Cigarettes and Alcohol

Lesser scientists might have decided that alcohol and tobacco are benign substances after seeing the first two studies. We decided, however, to plunge deeper into this investigation...

Materials: Here, we bring together the elements from the first two parts of the study.

Unfortunately, the subject began to show some adverse signs to the combination of treatments. Note in particular the blackening along the lower extremities, the faint flame surrounding the subject, and the mild scent of caramelizing sugar.

The initial symptoms began to be expressed more definitively...

...soon the flames became quite substantial, initiating a metamorphosis. The subject entered the stage which scientists call "ball of charred goo".

Flames were extinguished shortly thereafter.

Conclusion: The synergistic effect of smoking and alcohol in Peeps produces a rapidly exothermic oxidation reaction, leading to a chemical and morphological divergence from the wild-type Peep phenotypes.

Assistant lab members described these divergent Peeps as "less sweet," "crunchier," and "gross" when compared to the Peeps which used either alcohol or tobacco, but not both. For these reasons, it is our strong recommendation to JustBorn Corporation that they supervise young Peeps and educate them of the risks associated with smoking and alcohol.

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