Motivational Quotes Revised for People With Reasonable Expectations

“If you can dream it, that’s good enough. After all, dreams can be pretty damn realistic.”

“Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the Tuesday crossword puzzle without googling hardly any of the answers!”

“Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat. You don’t want to be the first, do you?”

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the ability to find a larger person to stand behind when someone starts shouting.”

“Believe in yourself; you are braver than you think. Not, like, do-stand-up-comedy brave, but definitely brave enough to start a parody Twitter account.”

“Champions keep playing until they get it right. The rest of us just take the participation trophy and get on with our lives.”

“Set your goals high, and don’t stop until you get a quarter of the way there. That, my friend, should land you a stable spot in middle management where you can coast until they force you out when your age makes you a ‘healthcare liability.’”

“Never apologize for having low standards. People who really want to be in your life will drop down to meet them. Just ask my spouse.”

“Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life as long as what you hold in your mind is the walls of your cubicle and maybe a donut on Fridays.”

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. But doesn’t that just sound exhausting?”

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of the street because there’s a Chipotle over there.”

“Show me a gracious loser, and I’ll show you a lady or fella who is probably very pleasant to be around, doesn’t rock the boat, and never, ever brings up politics at the dinner table.”

“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see that most things don’t work out, if we’re being honest. Particularly if that thing is a podcast with your best friend.”

“Every time you stay out late; every time you sleep in; every time you miss a workout; every time you don’t give 100%. You make it that much easier for me to be your friend.”

“Your lack of dedication is an insult to those who believe in you. But those people probably believe in God too, so they’re used to being let down.”

“Take your dreams seriously. That is, make sleep a priority. Like, try to get 12 to 14 hours per day at least.”

“Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat, lazy or stupid. But the happiest people I’ve met learn to accept these things when they happen.”

“The best way to build self-confidence is to do only things you’re already good at, like watching puppy videos on YouTube and crying.”

“We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be dissuaded from trying to find a parking space that is a little closer to the Trader Joe’s.”

“Remember, not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck because you always order the spicy Thai food even though you know your stomach can’t handle it.”

“When you’re about to give up, remember those who said you’re not good enough. They’re probably right about a bunch of other stuff you need to know, too.”

“Believe you can and you’re halfway to cannot.”