Stop Asking Me to Play Folk Punk Just Because I’m an Opossum

Yes, I hang out in abandoned box cars behind the railroad tracks. Yes, I guard a banjo in front of my trash palace of cigarettes and empty beer bottles. Yes, I hang out with 35-year-old men who busk to Johnny Hobo and the Freight trains covers. And yes, I am a marsupial with a long ass tail who eats ticks and screams if you come near me. One thing I am NOT is “folk punk” and you need to stop assuming that I am just because I’m a regular, normal opossum.

Just last night, I trailed over to the 7-Eleven parking lot to dumpster dive like a regular opossum. When I got there some asshole kids smoking cheap cigarettes in the parking lot asked me to play washboard in their folk punk band. I tried to get them to back off by screaming at them but all that did was land me backing vocal duties too.

I’m tired of people assuming I know every AJJ lyric. I’m tired of people asking me if they can bum a Lucky Strike. Most of all, I’m tired of bands with names like “Dishwasher Mischief” and “Humble Rat” asking me to do an EP split with them in their parents’ bathtub.

So next time you see an opossum hanging out in your garbage can with their banjo and Ole English 40 oz., do us all a favor and leave us be! I am not going to cover a Ghost Mice song for you, nor will I EVER write lyrics about trying to get sober again (mostly because I refuse to try to get sober again).

Stop acting like opossums are your personal folk punk side-kicks. But most of all, please stop talking to me about goddamn New Mexico. I used to live there on my friend’s couch, I know how sick it is.

Next time you want a folk punk mascot find a raccoon. We’re more into grunge. Also, could I bum an American Spirit?