It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Ikon – I’m Ok

It’s 2019 now, so we shouldn’t be burning so many carbons just so some boy group can have a nice looking video. Maybe instead of trying to find things to set on fire they should have fixed some of those weird out-of-tune portamento bends in the keyboard riff.

Apink – Eung Eung

This time Apink are not just visually but also musically different. In fact this is so different I don’t even know quite how I feel about it yet, or maybe I do but I’ll wait a year to tell everyone in order to teach some people a lesson about asking me to review songs that come out just after a roundup. In the meantime I’ll have fun rewatching this a whole bunch of times and taking notes for my “most fappable 2019” post.

Oneus – Valkyrie

This song isn’t bad at all and has a neat guitar riff that I didn’t expect, and even more shockingly, they’re on Mamamoo’s label. Where the fuck are the songs like this for Mamamoo? Okay, miss me with those fucking shit half-time trap breakdowns and that idiotic Matrix-style freeze-frame (it’s not 1998 guys), but the rest of this is actually good.

WJSN – La La Love

This is like a song produced by a committee meeting where they tried to please everyone at once and ended up pleasing no-one, like a musical version of how Reddit/kpop’s whiners wished I would write my blogs. It’s a good thing that I have my own subreddit now. Caonimas feel free to post anything relevant up there, and generally participate in good clean fun times.

Dreamcatcher – July 7th

This type of shit would be fine for any other group but nobody wants Dreamcatcher to become the new Skull. Actually I looked at this super-average filler song before in a clearing house post not realising that Happyface would shit out a video for it, so this is just a heads up for the three Dreamcatcher fans with cardigan fetishes who don’t already read Asian “I’m offended by attack helicopter jokes because they’re unoriginal but I want to take credit for Way’s Girls even though I didn’t write it” Junkie that you can now get your fap on. You’re welcome.

ATEEZ – Hala Hala

If you’re going to break through the white wall thing every few seconds why not save yourself some hassle and scrap the border completely. This advice works for both Donald Trump and ATEEZ’s video team. Also why is this only half a song.

Luna ft. George – Do You Love Me

Apparently Luna has been battling depression lately. I’m blaming SM for making her miserable with constant shit comebacks, nobody with mental health issues should be made to sing (or listen to) R&B.

Luna – Bye Bye

No, seriously. It’s like SM are actually actively trying to make Luna self-harm by giving her the most depression-inducing music possible. The B in R&B stands for “blues” which is just another word for “depression”, so if you’re prone to damaging moods maybe consider better music taste.

G-reyish – Candy

If Orange Caramel are Dragonforce, G-reyish are some Dragonforce copycat group from eastern Europe with half the musical polish and a quarter of the video budget but who can actually play their instruments live.

KNK – Lonely Night

They try to pick it up a bit in the chorus but it’s just not enough.

Verivery – Ring Ring Ring

I totally get how upbeat 90s pop might be a pendulum-swing of prevailing trends after the horrors of tropical shithouse, but let’s not forget that the original 90s pop stars were mocked for a good reason.

Boitello ft Xydo – Le Petit Prince

By the time I’d finally typed out that convoluted artist and song title, I’d stopped giving any fucks about the music here.

Hyuk – Boy With A Star

There was a whole 90 minute gap between me linking this video here and writing this text because my mind wandered so much and I started looking at other shit on the Internet that was actually interesting. That’s what happens when I don’t stream the roundup.

Sosimoppas – Together In That Winter

When an entire music video is based around phone use that’s always a warning sign of some bullshit.

Monday Kiz – Winter It Is As I Wished

If you’re not some remote farmer who is going to die of starvation if your crops fail, you really have to be a bit of a cunt to have a “wish” for a season. Don’t sing a shitty ballad about it and waste our time, just turn the fucking heater on and get over it.

Yeesang – I See

A dog isn’t a human. Fair enough if people talk to their pets but making your dog do little human wave gestures is definitely crossing some kind of animal consent line. Mind you maybe I shouldn’t say anything or in five years they’ll call this “dogpropriation” and people will lose their jobs over it.

Vankid ft. Kim Chaan – Never Have

It’s bad luck to have your Christmas decorations still up over 12 days after Christmas. Or maybe it isn’t and someone just invented that superstition so you would stop being a lazy piece of shit and actually take the fucking sparkle things down to make room for the extra chair again.

Bullseye – Up All Night

The song’s not that great, so there’s no need to get excited. Just remain seated, like this guy.

Eun Gaeun – Goodbye

Your typical ballad for idiots that does everything wrong that these songs almost always do.

The Quiett ft Hash Swan & Woo – Mully

And here’s the rap version of the usual weak crap the rap people always do now.

The Quiett – glofo i

It’s actually appropriate and good common sense that Korean rappers endorse energy drinks because you really do need a few to stay awake through most of their bullshit music.

Minty – AOMG

I’m not sure if it’s really a “diss track” as it sounds too tongue-in-cheek, it comes off more to me like she’s taking the piss, playing around with words for fun and using the AOMG rappers to do it just because. The lyrics are good, pity about the music which is just Minty’s usual garbage, the kind of lightweight stuff E.via/Tymee ran a million miles away from at her first opportunity. I’m sure one day Minty will also grow up and get tired of this.

Jvcki Wai, Young B, Osshun Gum, Han Yo Han – Dding

Jvcki does her best to try and turn Giriboy’s weak track into something listenable but there’s not much she can do with her usual three notes.

G2 ft. Lyricks – I Don’t Know

Are they sure that this song features lyrics because I’m not so sure about that.

Junoflo – Statues

Actually it’s not too bad, but it ain’t Sandy so fuck it.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Sandy raps for about 30 seconds just fucking around, doesn’t even bother to record it properly, still gets 600k views in less than a month and makes your bias irrelevant

Oh by the way Sandy is signed to Seungri’s label now. That could be good for her career, and/or it could be the start of the inevitable R&B softening that all true hip-hop fans fear. The Korean music business loves getting their hands on young rappers with huge promise and turning them into vessels to promote some weak-ass vocal-wank R&B idol bullshit. Wishing Sandy good luck and progress, just don’t pick up any towels off the studio floor – you don’t know where those have been.

That’s all for this week’s roundup – Kpopalypse shall return!