A year ago I was a goddamn mess. Newly transitioning and struggling with family and self-acceptance, I could barely move some days my dysphoria was so bad, and I had so much anxiety over my future.



Now, I still have some difficulties, but I’ll be damned if I’m not leagues ahead of where I was around this time last year.



Cut for length, but the content is mostly positive.



Honestly I’m a little blown away by the whole fact around this time last year I’d attempted to go on a date with someone - the second time, as the first went rather well - and was depersonalising so hard I could barely feel anything. I stood the guy up, never felt well enough to re-initiate contact, felt like a giant bag of dicks about it.



Now I’m in love with a beautiful girl who loves me and gives me so much confidence about just being, who’s so supportive of me and is basically the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.



I found a job - the same job I had discussed having applied for in my last entry in February. Yes, I outed myself to my potential employers, and yes, I got the job anyway. I’m still there, which is the longest I’ve had a job, ever, except for the student position I held at the library which cumulatively is much longer. I’m actually so comfortable there that I’m actually out to quite a few of my coworkers, none of whom treat me differently for it and many of whom were surprised to learn I hadn’t always been male. So, that’s something. I still don’t pass all the time - it’s about 50/50 with customers - but eh, fuck ‘em. It was a little soul-crushing at first, though I did manage to correct people on occasion, and now I don’t give too many fucks about it whether I or someone else corrects someone or not.

I’m also in my own apartment, and haven’t fucked that up yet. I’m living with a close friend who I’ve known for a little over six years. Financially speaking I’m actually able to afford it, mostly on my own; the times I’ve had to borrow I’ve almost always managed to be able to pay back. And it’s been a while since I’ve had to borrow anything. I managed to afford Christmas, rent, and bills without any issue. I’m still not great at handling money, but I’m working on it, and I’m confident in my ability to continue to be gainfully employed.



I still haven’t started on hormones, but I finally came out to my gp and got the name of another doctor from her who’ll be able to get me started. I’m making that phone call tomorrow.



I’m a lot more comfortable in my skin, generally speaking. I’ve gone from feeling so uncomfortable I’m damn near breaking from reality just to cope, to being quietly detached from and apathetic about the physical traits I’m not fond of in favour of enjoying my good traits and knowing that there are changes that will come that I’m gonna be much happier with.



I still have lots of difficulty getting shit done sometimes, whether it be due to anxiety or poor executive functioning. And I (obviously) still have a pain condition that fucks with me, though that’s a lot better managed, so it’s not as much of an interference. There’s a lot that needs work, quite a bit. I have a feeling starting on hormones will help a lot of things, though.



The parents came around after not too long. I’m out to about half my family now. Still haven’t come out to my grandparents, the extended family on my mom’s side, or my brother, but that will come with time. Everyone who does know is still working out pronouns & name issues, but slip-ups are to be expected, and they are putting in an effort. Shit’s not perfect but nobody is, so whatever. I’m happy with where things are going.



This new relationship has me all kinds of inspired to be alive. I’m actually more excited about the medical transition part, enough now to finally override the anxiety, even if there’s a lot of complicated stuff involved. I still get gut-punched by nerves but I’m actually going to be OK. I actually believe that; instead of just sort of white-knuckling through the worst parts and surviving out of sheer stubbornness alone, I’m at a place where things are good, really good, and I see the progress I’ve made and I know that things can and will get better.



Anyway, I need to sleep now, but I felt like I was long overdue for a proper update on this thing. I haven’t really been tracking my transition on my main blog, mostly because of the fact that life’s been weird and when I’ve had pause I’ve usually not been in a great headspace to try and update things. But given the place I’ve come to now, and how far I’ve come, I couldn’t think of a better time to write something here.



Picturing a future is not something I’ve ever been good at, but for as far as I’m able to see, when I’m able to look ahead, it looks pretty bright, and I’d never really expected that.

