This morning, the inexplicably named after a tasty breakfast sandwich Ubuntu Community Manager, Jono Bacon, sought to quell fears that UN peace keeping forces may be called upon to intervene in the Ubuntu Developer Community.

Speaking at a press conference held at Canonical’s recently completed secure compound, Mr. Bacon defended his regeme’s position to the few reporters able to squeeze into the bomb proof bunker. “Gentlemen, community community community, communitze community awesome community Unity community interface awesome”. Helpfully, an interpreter, fluent in English and Communitymanagerese, was appointed to translate Mr.Bacon’s statement into comprehensible bollocks. In digest , the statement laid out the regeme’s holy mission to create confusing launchers and shove menu and window commands where nobody could find them, was given to them directly by God, and that the forces of decadent interfaces with their imperialist ideology of giving people something that works without having to stir the mouse round the screen like a pair of underpants in a washing machine, would be crushed in battle by the righteous Ubuntu Community Army. It is unclear whether he meant the same army that had in recent days, been strapping on dynamite cummerbunds and not so much shuffling, more running into an occupied building and exploding off their mortal coils.

When pressed over the subtantive issue of why not concentrate all resources on the Desktop and Server releases while there was an obvious vacuum in the market left by Windows 8 being utter botty trot, Mr.Bacon enigmatically but abruptly replied “Community.”

Unofficial sources in Ubuntustan, believed to be closely aligned to Generalissimo Shuttlecock have reportedly taken a more defensive line concerning the unrest. One insider is understood to have said that “being South African and likeable are seldom good bedfellows. Yeah he’s bit of a chippy tit, but at least he hasn’t shot his girlfriend while she was taking a piss recently”.

Secretary-General of the UN, Mr Ban-Ki Moon, was unavailable for comment due to the continuing emergency session of the UN, convened to deal with ” all the bat-shit crazy lumps those Ubuntu people keep gouging out of each other”. However, an earlier press release confirmed that despite the Ubuntu situation, it was still UN policy that Steve Ballmer is an irritating chubby cocksucker.

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