A instant-classic British tabloid story has its origins in the U.S., right here in our very own Connecticut! Suck it, Florida, we don't need you to be weird for us anymore!

Here it is: Conn. Man Fakes Death To Get Out Of Marrying British Woman. Haha, Americans, amirite? We will not have our freedoms stifled by some...limey! By some redcoat! (Source: Alternative names for the British, redirected from List of ethnic slurs by ethnicity.)

According to the Daily Mirror, 23-year-old Alex Lanchester was really taken for a ride by "American rat Tucker Blandford," who tried, lamely, to evade marriage to Lanchester by calling her up just days before the big day. But instead of just breaking it off like a Standard Issue Asshole, Blandford added a spiteful twist: He pretended to be his father, sharing the news that his depression-addled offspring had committed suicide by jumping in front of a car.

Rather than just disappear quietly into her grief like she was supposed to, Lanchester went ahead and meddled, pulling herself together to call Blandford's parents and express her condolences. Take it away, Daily Mirror:

But even worse was to come. Desperate to make sense of it all, she rang Tucker’s mother to learn more - only to discover that she hadn’t a clue what Alex was talking about. It had all been a cruel lie. Only then did Alex realise the “grieving dad” was in fact her fiancé - faking his own death to get out of their wedding. “All I ever did was love him,” said heartbroken Alex. “After this I’m not sure I can trust a man ever again.”

And how. Bet that'll teach you to ever follow up after your dead fiance again, won't it Alex? In this country, we mourn with a few hours of heavy weeping, followed by the ceremonial posting of an r.m. drake quote to Instagram, followed by donuts. We do not "make phone calls" and "express condolences." What are you, a mom?

Lanchester and Blandford (Blandchester, as their children now won't be called) met at the University of Connecticut back in the salad days of 2012, but things started to fall apart once Lanchester returned to the UK. Blandford was supposed to visit, but was forced to cancel his trip after he was supposedly arrested "for taking alcohol to a party with underage teens," she explained. "I understood, but was still distraught." You...understood?

Adding insult to a pile of earlier insults, Blandford's mother was under the impression the pair had ended things when Lanchester returned to England, and had no idea about any of this "wedding" nonsense on which Lanchester had sunk several hundred pounds.

But Lanchester, while gullible and naive, has proved herself to be a real trouper: She has launched a business making wedding "favours," and even embarked on what was to be The Blandchester Honeymoon trip without his lame ass.

"It may be our wedding day, but I'm going to spend it making my own awesome memories — without him," she said triumphantly. She added in a video blog that she is relieved she won't have to spend the rest of her life with a "low-life scumbag" who faked his own death, and who was generally "quite mean" about the breakup. Brits really have that understatement thing down pat.