New diets come across my feed everyday offering amazing results in short amounts of time. They make ridiculous claims with guidelines that are impossible to follow. I got sick of seeing this so I took it upon myself to find something that works.

Now, I wanted to change my body, but not in the way most people do. See, I’m in pretty good shape already so I wasn’t really worried about my physique. I wanted to go bigger. I want real results with an absolute guarantee of results that are obvious in the mirror. So I set out to change my skin color. Specifically: orange.

Beta-carotene is the chemical found in carrots that gives them their orange color. I had always heard that if you eat enough carrots, the beta-carotene would turn your skin orange. So I decided to eat only carrots for a week. In order to get my daily caloric intake needed to survive, I needed about 20 pounds of carrots a day, so that’s pretty manageable. Here is my day to day journey and results:

Day 1: Skin is still a white tan color. 20 lbs of carrots is a lot more than I thought. I only ate about 12. I’m very hungry and feeling like I may throw up, but that’s normal for any new diet. I’m excited about tomorrow.

Day 2: Skin white with no tan color. Very pale, actually. That’s a lot of carrots to eat in a day. I made it to 15 pounds eaten today. Adjustment period. Somehow I’m completely full and starving. I passed out twice while driving today. I was in a school zone so I wasn’t going that fast, thank God. Thinking about trying to juice some.

Day 3: Wow! My skin is not orange yet but I have tons of energy. I juiced my first 15 pounds of carrots today and then had a huge 10 pound carrot dinner. I am feeling great. One side note, my BM was completely orange which is promising.

Day 4: I’m not sure what happened. I slept 15 hours last night. I just crashed really hard. Needless to say, I didn’t get all my carrots down today. My BM in no longer orange, more red. This is a hard day, but…I’M STARTING TO SEE ORANGE!!! Results in 4 days, you can’t do better than that.

Day 5: I think my body has leveled out and can now handle this carrot only diet. Jaw fatigue is a real thing. I chew roughly 10 hours a day just to process all the raw food. I’m juicing about a third of it. I’m turning more and more orange by the hour it seems. I have noticed the color radiating out from my armpits and genitals. I did not anticipate this, but it’s definitely a nice surprise.

Day 6: I feel great. Ready for some food besides carrots, but great aside from that. Thankfully my BM’s have are no longer red. Actually they stopped altogether and my stomach is swelling. It feels like a rock. I can hear the carrots talking inside of me, telling me to stop, but I look so orange now, I just have to get to day seven.

Day 7: Well I did it. 140 pounds of carrots and a week later I have achieve the skin tone of Mountain Dew Live Wire with no side effects that I’m willing to talk about in this post. It was truly an amazing experience and I’d like to thank Donald Trump, the guys from Jersey shore, and John Banner for sponsoring me and believing in me. I’m going to get my stomach pumped and try to explain what happened to my doctor. Happy fake ass Friday.