In a storyline titled “Changes,” Spider-Man has to fight The Queen, a ridiculously powerful villainess no one has ever heard of before. Her powers are insect-related, so she picks Spider-Man to make spider-babies with (spiders aren’t actually insects but just go with it). The Queen kicks his ass in their first fight and then proceeds to rape him in the mouth. Which looks like this:

The Queen eventually lets Spider-Man escape, having accomplished her goal. Later that night Peter finds out that the kiss had a side-effect: it’s turning him in a real spider.

The Queen then tracks Spider-Spider-Man down and takes him to her lair, where he can finish his transformation into Frodo’s worst nightmare. Oh, and she also reveals that he’s pregnant.

So even though Spider-Spider-Man is still male, and The Queen never boned him as promised (tease!), he’s somehow been genetically altered to become pregnant. Well, okay. So, what does Spider-Spider-Man do with this news? Nothing, because he’s a fucking spider who can’t understand what the hell people are saying. Instead, he starts to have a seizure and his body topples over dead, leaving The Queen genuinely heartbroken.



“Oh well. Off to molest a horse, then.”

But The Queen leaves just in time to miss …

… Spider-Man emerging from the dead shell of his own body. Trying to figure out how that makes sense? It doesn’t, so don’t bother. He’s even got all his memories and knows where he is when he pops out, which means somehow Spider-Spider-Man was pregnant with Peter Parker, in human form, fully aged, and then died giving birth to himself. Of all the sentences we thought we’d never get to write, that was easily in our top twenty. Then we finally get to the reason why this horrible story has been going for five god damn issues.

Organic webslingers. You see, the first Spider-Man movie had come out not too long before this storyline, and one of the changes they made was that Spider-Man no longer used webshooters of his invention, he simply shot the webbing from his wrists (because that’s clearly more realistic). The writers at Marvel were tasked with coming up with a way to introduce this development on the comic, and “having Spider-Man morph into a giant spider and give birth to himself” seemed like the simplest option.

Also, he discovers that he can also talk to bugs now. This is such an incredibly useful superpower that he has never used it again in like eight years.