At the offices of Nebraska football, January 23, 2018:

Doo da doo dooooo da doo dooooo dahhh doooooo dooooo

Good ol' Nebraska U

Where the duh duhhhhh da duh d---

EXCUSE ME COACH FROST

Yes, what is it, Secretary?

MARK EMMERT FROM THE NCAA IS ON LINE ONE

Probably calling to offer me another national championship won exclusively through complaining.

I'll take the call.

[picks up phone]

You've got Nebraska head coach Scott Frost. First Nebraska coach without an L since Osborne!

Scott, Mark Emmert. NCAA President. How are you?

I'm doing great, Mark. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call? Are you here to offer me the lax academic standards, Prop 48 protection and television limitations that actually fueled Nebraska's best teams?

No, not exactly, Scott.

First, let me say that I'm delighted that you decided to return to Nebraska. It would really do the NCAA some good for a school synonymous with volleyball to have a somewhat-viable football program, as well. No need for anyone to call Nebraska a 'volleyball school' anymore.

Also, in looking at our records, it appears that you have done an excellent job with recruiting so far. We've received a bunch of letters of intent from the early signing period.

Hard not to do well, Mark, with a name brand that recruits' grandparents know like Nebraska!

But hey, if I wanted someone to blow sunshine up my rear end, I'd open the Omaha World Herald. So why did you call?

Well, Scott, there's a problem with your recruiting records.

A problem? But I had Bob Diaco go through those letters thoroughly.

Well, as you know, Scott, the National Letter of Intent is essentially a contract of servitude.

It grants the NCAA and Nebraska rights to use a kid's name, likeness and entire person as a money-making mechanism for the university as a whole.

Once a student-athlete signs the National Letter of Intent, we effectively own them.

Obviously, given those ramifications, it's important that every detail be correct.

But Mark, while you were giving an unnecessarily detailed explanation of the Letter of Intent, I was reading these letters, and they look correct to me.

The language is fine, Scott.

It's the signature that is the problem.

I signed the one I'm looking at, Mark. In fact, it looks like I signed them all.

Right. They weren't signed by Kirk Ferentz. They need to be signed by Kirk Ferentz.

But why would Kirk Ferentz have to sign my team's letters of inte--

BECAUSE KIRK FERENTZ OWNS NEBRASKA FROSTY

TOTALLY OWNS IT

FIFTY SIX FOURTEEN

FIFTY SIX FOURTEEN

FIFTY SIX FOURTEEN

WELCOME TO THE BIG TEN SON

DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN BRING THE LETTERS WITH YOU AND HAVE KIRK TAKE OWNERSHIP IN NOVEMBER

[click]

Meanwhile, in Gary Barta's office...

lol

snort

rofl

double snort

oh man

It's good to be back.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like we've executed better in the past, but that was good.

I should probably get back to recruiting.

Oh come ON man. Let's do another one.

But Gary...

One more.

I really can't

ONE MORE CALL ONE MORE CALL ONE MORE CALL

...

ONE MORE CALL ONE MORE CALL ONE MORE CALL

OK, fine, call Mark Dantonio and see if he'll wire you bail money.

Good to have you back, Gary.

Good to be back, boss.