Dear Sir or Madam,

I have gained access to my owner's laptop and I wanted to thank you for the box that the Evil Man In The Brown Truck left upon my Kingdom's doorstep today. Upon chewing the package open, I found three items.

First, a box of scented biscuits. I find these to be inedible, but how were you to know of my sophisticated palate? I have given these to my caretaker. She loves them.

Second, I believe this is a guide for my caretaker to create succulent meals for me. After assuring myself that the guide was not edible in any way, I again gave it to the female that occupies my Kingdom. She was very excited.

Lastly, you magnificent bastard! How did you get my regal likeness on this fabulous water delivery system!? B-O-X-E-R. That spells King Osmund. How did you know my name! I love you, internet stranger.

Respectfully, Osmund.

(*Caretaker here. Thanks for these amazing gifts, you really went above and beyond, and completely made my day!)