On Tuesday night the Washington Capitals pro hockey club will play against the Red Wings of Detroit hockey team in a match of hockey. To get you ready for the hockey match, we at R.M.N.B. have randomly selected a hockey player to introduce to you. The player we have selected is Mike Green, a defenseman hockey player for the Detroit Red Wings hockey team. This article post will answer all the questions you were too afraid to ask about Mike Green.

Who is Mike Green?

Mike Green is a hockey player for the Detroit Red Wings. He used to play for another team, but now he plays for this one. He is from Canada and he has hand tattoos.

Mike Green plays the position of defense, where one is supposed to be primarily concerned with preventing the other team from scoring rather than trying to score one’s self. That’s the idea at least.

Mike Green has, in fact, hit a player before.

Is Mike Green good at hockey?

Yes.

Among active defensemen with more than 500 games played since 2005, only one defenseman has a higher points-per-game rate: Andrei Markov. Green is a two-time all-star, two-time Norris finalist, and a zero-time Olympian. Green holds the NHL record for the longest goal-scoring streak by a defenseman (8 games).

Green is good at what “some” people call possession, wherein “some” people think it’s preferable to have the puck more than the opponent to maximize scoring and prevent goals against. When Green is on the ice, his team almost always does better.

Does Mike Green have hand tattoos?

Yes.

Why do people like Mike Green?

Being good at hockey is a chief reason why some people like him. Green’s hockey teams tend to do better when he’s playing, and many fans seem to enjoy this winning sensation.

Mike Green has a reputation for scoring game-winning goals (twenty of them, probably). For this reputation, Green has been given the nickname “The Game is Not On Anymore” Green.

Also, Mike Green has a genetically engineered cat named Banana, and people universally think this is a good thing. They are correct in this regard.

I heard that not everyone likes Mike Green. Why is this?

While Mike Green has in fact hit people before, he does not do it frequently. The animated GIF above of Mike Green hitting Colin Greening and this hit on Matt Martin are the only examples we could find during the weeks and weeks of research we did for this article.

Green’s propensity for injury is also a topic of criticism among assholes. Green suffered a concussion in January of 2014, which some assholes thought was disgraceful. Assholes were also upset about the recurring shoulder injuries and the other euphemistic upper-body injuries that have peppered Green’s career.

Plus, Mike Green has a cat named Gary, who is not a good cat when compared to Banana. Through the principal of pet-master suck transference, Mike Green does actually suck a bit, although this is offset by Banana.

Green has ridden a Vespa, and parties are split whether or not this is cool.

Also, Mike Green was a celebrity spokesperson for Muscle Milk, a protein supplement that does not contain any dairy products. This deception has led some people to mistrust Green.

What hockey stick will Mike Green use?

That is a very specific question, reader. I’m starting to get suspicious about you. Do you drink muscle milk?

I’ll ask the questions here, thank you.

Sorry.

Mike Green often uses an Easton Stealth stick. Many of these sticks Green himself conned from Capitals fans to whom he earlier had given that same stick. Alex Ovechkin thinks Green’s convoluted stick scheme is sick and twisted, which is why he has promised to slash this stick in Tuesday’s game.

What do I do if Mike Green happens to me?

Mike Green can be a very serious condition if it afflicts your penalty kill. If not treated immediately and aggressively, Green could lead to this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

If your penalty kill last more than four minutes, seek medical help right away.

What does Mike Green look like dressed up as a Katy Perry fan, aka a Katy Cat?

There. Now you know literally everything about Mike Green.

Full RMNB Coverage of Caps vs Red Wings