(I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them and be pink or purple.”

Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably forty leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

Customer #2: “Are you deaf?! We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies! Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

(The “lizard” they are talking about is in fact a fourteen-foot Burmese python, which is about twenty feet away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

(In a huff, [Customer #1] leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off ten to fifteen leashes, knocking probably thirty more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next thirty minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet?! That’s so nasty!”

Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that?! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice?! Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground-up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All-vegetable dog food!”

Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

Customer #2: “So, you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs; you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

([Customer #2] gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

([Customer #2] gestures to her poodle.)

Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

(They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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