A Poem About Your University’s Absolute and Unwavering Appreciation of Its Faculty in Spite of Said Faculty’s Crap Salaries

“A rise in the cost of living chipped away at salary gains by full-time faculty members in the 2017-18 academic year, according to new survey data published on Wednesday by the American Association of University Professors. Full-time faculty earned an average of 3 percent more than they did in the prior academic year. But that salary increase was cut by nearly two-thirds, to 1.1 percent, after adjusting for inflation.” — The Chronicle of Higher Education, April 11, 2018

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Dear Extremely Appreciated Faculty,

Thank you for attending today’s

College faculty meeting,

Where we had a lively and

Engaging discussion about the fact that

Your salaries are crap.

Put more precisely, it appears that

Your salaries at all ranks are significantly lower

Than salaries at comparable institutions,

And that the mean rate of increase in professors’ salaries

Is also significantly lower than at these

Traditional cross-admit institutions.

The American Association of University Professors

Has also totally rubbed it in our face

That ​raises have not kept pace with inflation.

If you are an Assistant Professor

At the beginning of your would-be glorious career,

You are actually making less money

Than in the past, so you will need to

Scale back your retirement plans from

Fly fishing and Viking River Cruises

To something more along the lines of

Falling into your grave while reading a paper

About Ophelia and madness.

Before we respond to these

Pesky numbers and percentages,

We would like to say

How much we appreciate you –

Both our tenure-track and tenured faculty,

With their crap salaries,

And our faculty on renewable contracts,

Whose salaries are even more crap than

Our permanent faculty’s crap salaries.

We so massively and hugely appreciate you,

As one might learn to appreciate a

Strange and unconventional food

That they feel should cost less than it does.

We would like to make a few crucial points.

First, we should not paint

All departments with the same brush.

The faculty at the Business School

Appears to be #thriving,

And although we don’t have

The salary figures handy

For humanities departments,

We assume that humanities faculty

Do not concern themselves with

Grossly material things

Like health and money and the houses they live in

Because they get to read books all day,

And that’s hardly a job at all!

Secondly, although it has been suggested that

Due to crap salaries, the university

Stands in a weak competitive position

With regard to recruiting and retaining the best faculty,

We would like to note that we have an excellent rate

Of faculty retention – which is certainly not because

There are no other jobs

Literally anywhere,

Including under rocks,

And is definitely because

Everyone is thrilled to stay at this university

And no one minds their crap salaries

Because they are #gratefultohaveajobatall

And want to

#Dowhatyoulove

#Butmakewaylessmoneythanstevejobsdid.

And so before proceeding further,

We would like to say again how much

We appreciate you.

We. Appreciate. You.

Indeed, we have said before

How much we appreciate you.

You probably remember

Some of these times,

At various meetings and events.

Maybe you remember five of them. Or ten?

There have been so many

Because you are so appreciated.

We would also like to note that

This pressing issue of crap salaries is

Absolutely foremost in our minds,

And we take seriously the need to

Hold some meetings about it

In the coming century or so,

Certainly before any opening of seals

Or Four Horsemen

Or what-not.

It has been brought to our attention that

The question of crap salaries

Was raised a decade ago

And that nothing ever came of it.

Unlike Edith Piaf, we regret this

(Although we don’t really remember it),

And we’re certain that at an

Unspecified moment in the future,

We will be in a position to look over some

Stacks of paper

Pertaining to this matter,

And maybe think some things about it,

When we are not doing something

More important

Like asking humanities departments

To justify their existence,

Preferably in relationship to

Science or capitalism.

We would like to underscore

That we remain committed to the

Possible possibility

Of competitive salaries for our faculty,

As we are committed to becoming

The finest liberal arts finishing school for

Business majors

In the country.

That said, we’re sure you understand

That the question of raises is complicated,

Like your cousin Larry’s Facebook relationship status,

Or Shackleton’s Trans-Antarctic Expedition,

But without the sea ice and misery.

In the meantime, we plan to issue

Appreciation Certificates

To all faculty

So you feel appreciated.

These Appreciation Certificates are a lot like

Our Teaching Awards,

Which is another thing we give out

Instead of raises.

These official and important documents

Will be delivered to your departments

By the tractor-trailer load, and you can

Decide whether to put yours on your fridge,

Next to your kid’s painting of the

Monstrous unicorn that lives under his bed,

Or display it above your mantel

In a gilded gold frame

In the antique Florentine style.

The first round of Appreciation Certificates

Will be awarded to professors who have

Generously offered to teach a pilot course

For the university for free.

That’s right: these kind souls volunteered

To teach for a major private American university

For absolutely no money at all!

Can you imagine? How thoughtful of them.

We can’t believe that we didn’t think of this

Before.

Their selflessness is a marvel,

And we really appreciate it.

If anyone else would like to give away

Their labor, please drop us a line.

In closing, we would like to underscore

That we appreciate you

Every day, in every way,

Other than the monetary.

If you need to contact us with questions,

We will be free as soon as we hire

A few new deans

And found a new office.

Sincerely,

Your university’s upper-level administrators,

Who appreciate not only you,

But the fact that we make more money than you