AN independent Scotland’s bid to join Eurovision would be opposed by countries where people can hear, it has been claimed.

Jean-Claude Juncker, the president of Eurovision, said: “The other members will not stand by while Scotland unleashes some kind of auto-tuned bagpipe shitfest.

“It would, no doubt, be performed by an ageing, kilted, softcore punk. I’m seeing horrible visions of a ‘Scottish Tenpole Tudor’.

“Either that or they’ll offer up Hue and Cry and expect us all to just sit there and take it.”

But Scotland’s first minister,Nicola Sturgeon, dismissed Mr Juncker, insisting she already has a detailed Eurovision plan, entitled ‘Kidnapping and Drugging Teenage Fanclub‘.