In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Mavericks Vs. Blazers

Simulation software used: ESPN NBA HangTime '95 (Sega CD)





When I was a kid, I saved half a year's worth of allowance money and combined it with birthday money to buy a Sega CD. Two or three months after I bought it, it was discontinued, and just about everyone stopped making games for it. It was a valuable lesson for me to learn, the lesson being that everyone in the world is a crap-faced idiot jerk who literally eats their own crap. I'm just quoting my 11-year-old self on that.

That's why I have plenty of loathing stored up for ESPN NBA HangTime '95, even if the game itself isn't so terrible. To be honest, I chose this one to simulate Blazers-Mavericks because I really wanted to watch me some Clyde Drexler.

Before the game, we see grainy footage of our old pal Dan Patrick. Crappy, canned footage. This is why we spent $200 on the Sega CD, even though it required load times every couple of minutes.

Simulated result: Mavericks 45, Blazers 30. Jason Kidd and Jamal Mashburn are beasts in this game, apparently. The Mavs stole the ball 11 times in eight minutes.

Keys to the game:

A great game today involving the Dallas Mavericks.

- Dan Patrick

Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king!

- the guy who raps in the menu music

Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball.

- same guy

This rapper probably knows a lot more about basketball but didn't want to be a showoff about it.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Mavericks blog, Mavs Moneyball, and our Blazers blog, Blazer's Edge.