Distinguished Debauchery brings you the Drinking in Public series: A how-to for imbibing in places where drinking is slightly less acceptable. It should be noted that most (or all) establishments featured in this series do not allow alcoholic beverages of any kind. So for the sake of not condoning illegal activities: OBEY ALL THE RULES.

Drinking in Public: City Bus (Read the newest entryand check back every other week for new installments.)

But let’s say, hypothetically, you’re not obeying all the rules at a movie theater.

Movie theaters are great places to drink if one does not easily get motion sickness. It’s like drinking at home but with:

A. Better sound system. B. Bigger and better picture.

It is particularly enjoyable if you go to a movie you hate with, say, a significant other. But overall, it just combines two of my favorite things: watching movies and getting tight. And unless you’re extremely lucky, count on bringing the booze.

First off: Avoid drunk driving. Doesn’t matter how you do it, just be safe.

Picking your poison:

This might seem simple, but deciding what you want to drink can affect the quantity of alcohol you have in the theater. One might drink wine, but unless you have a purse/manbag, expect to be limited to pockets. (Barefoot and Sutter Home have four packs of smaller bottles, FYI)

I would suggest liquor because the flat bottles are easier to conceal. Pints, half-pints and flasks all fit quite nicely into a back pocket. If you only drink beer, wear a jacket or hoodie. You can hide bottles in your pockets and, if you’re ballsy, the hood.

Keep in mind, the local minimum wage worker (comprised of mostly uninterested high schoolers or college students) just wants his or her shift to end uneventfully – don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.

(Side Note: Buy plastic whenever possible. I’ve had glass pints drop on the floor in the middle of movies. I can assure it is the loudest, most unmistakable sound in the world.)

Choose the right movie

Most people will probably go to a movie in the PG-13 to R range. Good. That typically means people who have encountered drinking before. For example, when I accidently drop my pint in “The Time Traveler’s Wife” the guy sitting next my girlfriend leaned over and said, “Somebody’s got the right idea.”

Catch matinees if you can and avoid big movie openings. Theater personnel might be on the lookout for bootleggers. Waiting in line gives only increases the time spent bulging and clinking, especially if you’re drinking beer. That increase the chance some other moviegoer or staff member will take notice. Likewise remember that unless you’re drinking straight vodka, it will smell. And people will notice.

Inside the theater (building)

Before you head into the movie, stop and grab a straw. For those who ascertained the reason for a straw, congratulations. For those that haven’t, I’ll explain.

If you have a drink handy as you read this (bottle, cup, doesn’t matter) go ahead and drink from it. Notice how your hand must move higher as you drink. That silhouette isn’t exactly inconspicuous. And because every other person in the movie theater will be drinking their beverages through a straw, you will be the odd person out.

Keep a low profile: Use a straw. This allows you tilt your head down into the relative darkness of your chest area or bring the bottle up to your chin where no one is likely to take notice.

Now it’s time to head into the actual movie. It doesn’t much matter where you sit – although you might want to avoid the rows that are closest to the screen. Take a seat, TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE, and kick back.

Movie time

If you have a pressured container of some sort, either open the beverage before the movie starts or use the sounds of the movie to cover the hiss. It is especially important to make sure your drink has not been shaken prior to opening. As I found out in an Ann Arbor theater, it is hard to act normal when one has a foaming, hissing bottle between their legs.

Avoid beverages that need bottle openers. Cans are the worst. The cracking of the seal is very distinctive. It also apparently is the loudest sound in the world. Try to only drink when the movie is at its darkest and keep your drink in your lap unless you’re at a location where no one will see it in a cup holder. Simple shit.

Pace yourself

Don’t get belligerent and start acting like an asshole. People will notice. During one particular screening, I had the pleasure of sharing the theater with a group of uncouth assholes. It wasn’t that they let their friends in through the exit door, live dangerously. The problem was that they wouldn’t stop talking to each other, texting and talking to on their phones. Eventually, someone got an usher, who then got the police.

The idea here is to enjoy the movie without shitting on everyone else’s experience. You’ll probably laugh a little harder (or cry), but for the most part everything will be copacetic. When the cops came for those kids, I had a pint of whiskey tucked into my waistband. This, combined with the fact the jackasses were sitting two seats away from me, made me seriously nervous.

Keep in mind, if you drink too fast, you won’t remember the movie. I had to see Captain America twice because I was far too shitfaced the first time around. When I saw Silent Hill, I blacked out for about 45 minutes during the heart of the film. I remember complaining that the movie didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t until a year later that I actually saw the entire movie. (It should be noted a drink before and during these movies. Drinking during usually doesn’t result in a blackout)

Also, keep in mind that alcohol makes you want to pee. Pace yourself so you can enjoy the film without rushing off to the bathroom. Or, if you’re gross like one of my friends, go ahead and pee in the back of theater so you don’t miss a second of the movie. (But seriously don’t. No need to be an asshole.)

After the movie is over, prepare for a head rush when you stand up. Use the handrails so you don’t stumble and get home safely.

Good job, you just drank in public.

Newer entries:

Drinking in Public: City Bus

Leave your experiences in the comments or send them to livingdrunkard@gmail.com