New Mexico law enforcement is looking for a man with no penis after a family found a severed appendage on their doorstep one morning [via ABC. Let that sink in. Some wholesome family opened their door, excited to start their day, and there was just a penis sitting there on their stoop. They called authorities, who have been searching for either a body or a penisless man for seven years.

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Seven years, and no body has been found and no one has come forward to say, "Hey, I'm totally missing my penis. Do you have any in your lost and found?" Sheriff Heath White says they've considered every possibility: violent cartel crime, murder, amateur sex change attempt, self-mutilation, or vigilante justice aimed at a suspected pedophile. None of these things have any ties to the family who found the penis, who apparently had it tossed on their doorstep like a morning paper. They've even sent the penis to a lab for testing.

"We may find a leg or we may find a body part here and there, but we've never found a male appendage before without a body," said White. Translation: "We've found lots of wieners, they've just been on guys and stuff." The Torrance County Sheriff's office is asking anyone with information to contact them. So if you know anyone who has ever told you, "One time I was in New Mexico and I cut my penis off and threw it at some house," pass that info along.

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Cosmo Frank I am a human male that enjoys consuming meals consisting of all five food groups and fulfilling every level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

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