Are you tired? Rundown? Listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Well, the answers to your problems are all in some little bottles, brought to you by none other than everyone’s favorite health guru, Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yes, Paltrow is now coming out with a line of vitamins, just like you always dreamed she would. They cost $90 a month, are completely unregulated, and haven’t been proven to actually do anything — and at least one of them promises to help treat “adrenal fatigue,” which Paltrow claims she, herself, was suffering from.

Which is super weird since adrenal fatigue is not a real thing.

The term “adrenal fatigue” (“AF”) has been used by some doctors, healthcare providers, and the general media to describe an alleged condition caused by chronic exposure to stressful situations. According to this theory, chronic stress could potentially lead to “overuse” of the adrenal glands, eventually resulting in their functional failure. In a recent search on Google (April 22, 2016), “adrenal fatigue” provided 640,000 results, and the association of the two words exhibited 1,540,000 findings. Despite this, “adrenal fatigue” has not been recognized by any endocrinology societies to date, who claim there is no evidence for the existence of this syndrome.

Goop developed the vitamins with the help of one Dr. Alejandro Junger, who is the kind of guy who appears on Dr. Oz all the time and thinks cleanses cure pretty much everything.

However, the vitamins do have super cutesy names that probably make you feel like they are going to work, like Why Am I So Effing Tired, High School Genes, Balls in the Air, and The Mother Load. (for adrenaled moms, I assume.)

They supposedly do all kinds of lovely things, like give you energy, and boost your metabolism, and relieve you of foot palpitations and fibers under your skin. Probably also chemtrails and whatever it is they think fluoride does to you. Either that or they’re just regular multivitamins that would cost hell of a lot less without Paltrow’s name attached to them. But we don’t know, because, like all supplements, no one has to test them before selling them to you and telling you that they do a certain thing.

Additionally, your $90 bucks a month gets you daily texts from “Nurse Kevin” who is not so much a nurse as he is Paltrow’s assistant. I guess he texts you to tell you to take your vitamins and insert your vagina egg.

(via The New Yorker)



