All can be measured by the standard of the capybara.



Everyone is lesser than or greater than the capybara.



Everything is taller or shorter than the capybara.



Everything is mistaken for a Brazilian dance craze



more or less frequently than the capybara.



Everyone eats greater or fewer watermelons



than the capybara. Everyone eats more or less bark.



Everyone barks more than or less than the capybara,



who also whistles, clicks, grunts, and emits what is known



as his alarm squeal . Everyone is more or less alarmed



than a capybara, who—because his back legs



are longer than his front legs—feels like



he is going downhill at all times.



Everyone is more or less a master of grasses



than the capybara. Or going by the scientific name,



more or less Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris —



or, going by the Greek translation, more or less



water hog . Everyone is more or less



of a fish than the capybara, defined as the outermost realm



of fishdom by the 16 th-century Catholic Church.



Everyone is eaten more or less often for Lent than



the capybara. Shredded, spiced, and served over plantains,



everything tastes more or less like pork



than the capybara. Before you decide that you are



greater than or lesser than a capybara, consider



that while the Brazilian capybara breeds only once a year,



the Venezuelan variety mates continuously.



Consider the last time you mated continuously.



Consider the year of your childhood when you had



exactly as many teeth as the capybara—



twenty—and all yours fell out, and all his



kept growing. Consider how his skin stretches



in only one direction. Accept that you are stretchier



than the capybara. Accept that you have foolishly



distributed your eyes, ears, and nostrils



all over your face. Accept that now you will never be able



to sleep underwater. Accept that the fish



will never gather to your capybara body offering



their soft, finned love. One of us , they say, one of us ,



but they will not say it to you.





