Yesterday morning I announced that, having given it a good think and a whole lot of prayer, I will not be running for president of the United States in 2012. I thought I’d made myself pretty clear, but judging from the flood of calls and e-mails my staff and I have received over the past 24 hours, I can see that I’ve got a bit more explaining to do.

When I said that God didn’t want me to run, I didn’t mean that He thought me to be in any way inexperienced or “not quite ready to lead.” Far from it. “You’re a lot better qualified than the rest of the pack,” He told me. “Especially what’s-her-name who’s claiming that her candidacy was my idea. I never told her to run for president any more than I told her to marry that fruitcake of a husband. And I’ll tell you something else,” He said. “If the primary were held today, I’d vote for you in a heartbeat.”

God prefers my ideas on shrinking the government to those of the other Republicans and added that if He could, He would put it in writing that Social Security is a Satanic Ponzi scheme.

I said, “I wish you would.”

And He told me that He doesn’t have any hands, just arms that end in points, like pool cues. That’s why His beard is so long—He can’t cut it. If I were president I would trim the Lord’s beard, and then I would trim federal spending. But I’m not running.

I also said in my announcement that a presidential campaign would take too high of a toll on my family. “What family?” several of you have asked. “Do you have a wife and kids we don’t know about?”

To that I answer, and with a heavy heart, “No.” I would have a wife and a house full of children, but the lady who was right for me, the one who was destined to be my better half, was aborted in one of our nation’s fine “women’s health” clinics. Had she been born, we would have danced at my high-school prom and kissed beneath the stars on the boat we would have received from her parents as a wedding gift. None of that happened, though, because the person who was supposed to give birth to her was too selfish and cowardly to go through with the pregnancy. If I were president, I would turn the tables, and allow the fetus to abort itsmother. A federally mandated ultrasound would reveal a clear thumbs-up, or thumbs-down, and that would be the law of the land. But I’m not running for president.

“But what about Shari’a Law?” you’re probably asking. “It’s spreading like wildfire through the United States and I’m worried that my town could be next!”

To this I’d answer—and bear with me here—that if you really look at Shari’a Law and leave out the Islamic part, it’s actually not such a bad thing, at least if you’re not a criminal, or someone who practices deviant behavior. One of the things it calls for—and adamantly—is the execution of homosexuals, no matter which congresswoman they’re married to. Shari’a Law dictates that highway robbers should be crucified, and, ladies and gentleman, if our federal taxes aren’t highway robbery, I don’t know what is. If I were running for president, my first order would be to take all the “revenue generating” Democrats and nail them to crosses. Then I’d institute my environmental policy and hang solar panels around their necks. Oh, we’ll have green energy, all right, especially after rigor mortis sets in!