Alex Salmond has been accused of trying to ruin Christmas after it emerged the Faslane naval base which houses the UK’s nuclear deterrent is nothing more than a workshop for creating children’s toys.

Prime Minister David Cameron, in an unplanned move, announced to the House of Commons yesterday that the Trident system had been a “cover-up for something bigger” ever since it was announced in 1980.

The Faslane base alongside the creation and maintaining of four submarines with nuclear warheads had been a front for the increasing commercialisation of Christmas, Mr Cameron said, and that stopping Mr Salmond was now of a higher priority than pretending to the rest of the world that the nation was packed with weapons of mass destruction.

Ministers opposed to Scottish independence immediately attacked the First Minister for not only putting the UK at risk but “for destroying all that is pure about the festive season”.

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy said:

Last month, the Washington Post announced that Scotland becoming independent will probably cause World War III. This week, the SNP have declared war on Christmas by continuing to talk about the end of ‘Trident’. I don’t know what’s worse. Every parent up and down the country will want reassured that their children will have enough toys to play with in their bomb shelters when the inevitable comes under independence.”

Labour MSP Jackie Baillie said:

The hard work of keeping the truth from the British public has been well and truly undone by the scandalous actions of the First Minister. Around 11 thousand million jobs are at risk in the area and if they all go there will be nobody to make your traditional festive toys – things like a rocking horse, a space hopper, and a little abacus so people can learn how to count properly.”

Scottish Conservative Leader Ruth Davidson, in another of her unfunny monologues, said:

Not content with wowing us by impersonating Nixon, Clinton, Del Boy, Shaun of the Dead and the First Minister on the Moon all at once, we can add another moniker – the First Minister is now The Nat Before Christmas. “Where does the Abominable Snowman get off on trying to take holiday cheer away from the children of this United Kingdom? It’s not very ice at all. Maybe we should all give him the cold shoulder. I certainly wouldn’t want to show up at any SNP Christmas dinner – will we have Brussels on our plate, or won’t we? In this matter, and in every other matter regarding independence, the First Minister is looking more and more ice-olated. “We would do well to remember this point – snow man is an island, unless his name is Alex Salmond.”

The SNP’s Mark McDonald hit back at the claims, saying:

It’s hypocritical of David Cameron to say we’ve ruined Christmas when he has just told the world that Santa’s toys are made by normal-sized but hard-working people in manky Faslane garages rather than by elves in the glistening North Pole. In an independent Scotland we will shield our children from these outrageous shenanigans.”

A spokesperson for Scottish Labour confirmed that leader Johann Lamont was currently busy trying to figure out her party’s policy on Christmas. And on the Council Tax. And on education funding. And on sectarianism. And on gay marriage. And on alcohol pricing. And on train fares. And on nuclear weapons. And on local taxation. And on the constitution…

Meanwhile, the Yes campaign has remained silent on Salmond’s plans for the moon, Scotland’s ability to cope with zombie invasions and uncertainty surrounding the Loch Ness Monster’s place in the UK.

Ray McRobbie

National Collective

raymcrobbie.com