The Vampire Diaries S06E03: "Welcome to Paradise"

Please don't let this statement lead to an epic flame war, but in my opinion, puncture wounds are unpleasant! I don't care if it's by a stake or a batarang or a marlin's nose, I would prefer to not be stabbed or punctured in any wayshaperform (sp?). Please just keep your spikes and poles away from my sick bod. (I had pink-eye over the summer.) Have you ever noticed how many stabbings and puncture wounds happen every week on The Vampire Diaries? I have been keeping a rough count over the years and we're now somwhere in the range of one billion. Most vampire TV shows would be like, "Oh, vampires have all these special powers, let's really celebrate all that they can do," but TVD is like, "let's puncture-wound the sh*t outta these vampires." More like The Vampire Sproinkings am I right? I am probably not right, but I don't feel like deleting that sentence. "Welcome to Paradise" was another winner of an episode! Although, remember the very, very brief scene at the beginning where Jeremy wore a shirt? What was that all about? Thankfully, the rest of the episode was downright terrific. Let's talk about it!

It all started in the aftermath of Enzo going on a neck-snapping spree, which included Stefan's girlfriend and Stefan himself! (Note to vampires: Your human girlfriends will probably be murdered at some point, so maybe sneak a little of your blood into their EasyMac every now and again.) Anyway, Stefan had decided that enough was enough, so he showed up to work to tell off his mean boss and also to deliver a monologue about his life or whatever, doesn't matter. Also his girlfriend was in his front-trunk.

After Stefan compelled his boss to dispose of his girlfriend's corpse, he was ready to start the day!

Meanwhile at college, Caroline was still a dropout, but she had crashed on campus that night after going big at the clubs, I guess? Or maybe just crying in her car. Not sure. But at least Elena was more fun to be around after having one of the loves of her life erased from her mind.

This was a very telling moment because we were supposed to think she was totally fine because she no longer remembered loving Damon, but at the same time she still had tons of memories of him being a friend and confidante, right? So she was exactly zero sad now? Elena was zero sad about one of the members of her circle of friends dying permanently. What exactly was the difference between this and Elena "flipping her switch" off? I'm starting to think that Elena is a straight-up sociopath.

Meanwhile Tripp Fell was cleaning out the back of his van after a long day of setting vampires on fire in it.



Yes, Matt will forever be a darling and delicious stack of mashed potatoes, but this was not a great episode when it came to Matt's intellect. Did he seriously not suspect anything weird was going on? He knew enough about the town's founding families to ask Tripp Fell if he knew about "the real stuff" that was happening or whatever, but then he was gullible enough to accept it at face value when Tripp Fell said he didn't know anything? Matt, come on. Come on, Matt. Also, that was obviously actual blood they were hosing off of the van. Matt, come on. Matt.

Back at college, Tyler was chasing after the witch twins and trying to butter up Liv for some reason, probably because he needed personal favors like always.

Not sure I loved the idea of Luke being cool with the fact that Tyler had roughed him up in public, but I'm glad Liv kinda-sorta held a grudge about it at least.

That being said, I am pro-Tyler-and-Liv, so whatever. This show can make it up to me by also giving Luke someone to have steamy run-ins with. Maybe like a pork rind enthusiast or something, who knows, not me.

Oh, did you remember that Elena has a new love interest in the pre-med program? I'd almost forgotten!



But let's be real, this guy stands no chance with Elena, especially when certain exes show up unannounced and backlit.

Yeah, see, barely a day goes by after Elena "forgets" her love for Damon and already Stefan's swooping in. This show.

Have I ever told you about my concept of heaven?

IT'S THIS PRETTY MUCH. Just a nonstop Supermarket Sweep episode with no countdown clock.

I do have concerns about the dairy products Damon and Bonnie were taking. Are they or are they not four months old? I'm still not totally clear on the logic of this world (it's probably just dream logic though, huh?) but oh well. They both looked slammin' in those aviators, and plus I am just in general loving all of Bonnie and Damon's scenes. They both bring out the best in each other (Bonnie's personality in particular seems more dynamic than ever) and I feel like I could watch an entire episode devoted to this storyline. But anyway they kept encountering clues that they weren't alone!

Meanwhile Caroline was hanging out with her self-professed "most stable" friend Enzo, and in a surprise twist, she actually disapproved of the fact that he'd murdered their waitress!

To be fair though, it wasn't a moral objection, it was more about not having the authorities on their tail. Which, sure, "authorities."

Next: Page 2, down by the mud puddle