I’ve been feeling a blog coming on y’all and this is going to be a long one. I’ve realized things about myself in the last year that has led to a lot of self reflection and I’ve felt led to share it with others. I’ve been sitting on this one for a while because frankly, I’ve felt kind of apprehensive about being so open with people that I barely know. But, I’m comfortable with it now and I hope I can empower others to be just as vulnerable. It is no way meant to offend anyone and it’s also not written with perfect grammar.

First thing is first. Some of you know me as being somewhat talkative. You see, we’re used to just talking about the surface of life—what you did today, what the weather is like, etc. I tend to want to talk about things like what your parents do, what struggles you’re facing in life, your views on religion, if you’re happy at your job, etc. I’ll be honest, it tends to make most people squirm. I love people, I always have people over at my house, I’m not afraid to tell you that I’m just a regular human that also picks my nose. If I’m wearing leggings and they start to fall down, I’m going to pull them up in front of you, and I have a hyena cackle for a laugh.

Here’s the thing. I’m talkative, yes, but did you know that I come away from dinners often so frustrated with myself because I felt like i talked too much? I want to have REAL relationships with people and an awkward dinner conversation about the weather makes me feel so uncomfortable that that’s why I feel like I have to break the ice by being super down to earth. I think, If I act a certain way, people will relax and do the same. I tell myself that I don’t care that I’m the only one that does this, but I do. I feel really insecure about it. I love to entertain and I DO get energy from being around other people, so yes, I’m mostly an extrovert. But did you know that sometimes I want to be the one that people take care of? I don’t always want to be the entertainer. I want people to want to get to know me as much as I want to get to know them. I just don’t see that as much in our society anymore. The value of friendship has come to an all-time low. We are so busy (including myself) that nobody has the time or energy for REALLY getting to know people.

I’ve come to the realization that in the past I have tended to mold my personality to those around me. I haven’t stayed true to myself and who I really am. You see, If I could describe myself and my personality in a few words I would say this:

I am extremely compassionate, I will go out of my way to make sure that your comfort comes before mine. I desperately want others to find joy in their lives. I don’t want to be someone who conforms to our society—I want to be different and be myself. I’m an earth mother. I love nature—in fact I could sit outside in the dirt and just play and be the happiest I’ve ever been. I asked Chris if he wanted to go shovel 6 tons of gravel at a farm a few weekends ago and he declined. I would rather be the person who listens instead of talks and I try to do that whenever possible but often times people don’t talk. I love to dance and almost majored in ballet in college. I want to have children some day but I’ve been praying a lot about the possibility of adoption. I love flowers—I would rather get flowers than diamonds any day. I am generally pretty confident because I’m not afraid to make a mistake in front of people—we are all human and I just try to laugh at my mistakes. I really try to not make big deals about things that are small or silly. I believe that things will be just as stressful as you make them. I am an extrovert for the most part but I also need time to myself. Sometimes I even like to go have a meal by myself and people watch. I was in a sorority, I own sperry’s and a lily pulitzer planner but I hate looking preppy. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I love making a huge deal out of people’s birthdays because it’s a time to celebrate their lives. I am an optimist—I try to look at the positive in life and even though I am patient, I find it very draining to be around people who are always complaining. I love to craft and I want my future house to be a reflection of who we are and not a picture out of a magazine. It is my passion to teach. I believe that despite the crappy system, it’s where I’m supposed to be. In fact, I’m more inclined at this point to work in a more rural, low income school. When people tell me that I’m making a mistake by getting into education, I’ll be honest, I get mad. One day I’m going to own a cupcake shop and live on a farm with my best friend and our husbands. I love to clean but I don’t keep a very clean house. I wish my living room could look like an Indian market and I wish I could eat Indian food every day of my life. In fact, I love food and I love eating things from all over the world. I’m a mother hen and I want to help you fix your problems. I’m also very aware of my health and how to eat but I struggle with maintaining a healthy figure. In fact, I’m about to embark on a lifelong lifestyle that excludes highly processed foods and I hope you support me in it because it is going to be really difficult and I’m going to want to quit. Chris jokingly says that if he really knew all this about me when he married me that he’s not sure he would have stuck around. 🙂 Oops.

That’s the real me….and I apologize if you’ve gotten to know a different Elizabeth.

One of the biggest things that bothers me in life is seeing our society (myself included) conform to life as it is. Think about it—fashion—we dress the way we do because it’s what’s on pinterest or because it’s what’s ‘in.’ I am constantly feeling inadequate in what I wear because I don’t have the budget to keep up with the latest style or what everyone is wearing. I would love to have a huge wardrobe but I feel it more important right now to spend that money on a date with my husband. I wish we didn’t have to wake up and spend 15 minutes trying to coordinate an outfit. Chris argued that fashion is a way for people to express and show off their personalities but to be honest with you, I see very few people doing that. Sure, we might wear a scarf that we really like but we’re still going to have leggings and boots on because that’s what’s ‘in.’ So, we dress the way we do not because it’s true to who we are but because that’s what society tells us to do and we don’t bother to put up a fight.

We also eat the way society tells us to eat. We all know it’s bad for us but it tastes too good to stop. We all know that eating the way our ancestors did—without highly processed food is what is best for our bodies but society has made it so that you can’t go a block without being tempted with those golden arches. Yeah, we all make excuses that we only live once and you shouldn’t obsess over what you eat. But, when we’re 40 and our doctors tell us we need to take control of our health, we won’t be making those excuses anymore. In fact, we’ll be wishing we had the will power to do something about it when we were younger. But, if we do take control of our eating and pack our lunch instead of buy it, cook at home instead of eating out, then we’re going against the grain—doing the opposite of what the majority of society is doing. By looking at me you can obviously tell that this is an area of my life I still struggle with but wouldn’t it be nice if we could talk honestly about health, weight, and nutrition with each other? Wouldn’t it be easier if it was something that we actually decided to tackle together instead of everyone for themselves? I think so.

Not conforming to society’s norms makes us feel uncomfortable. But, for me personally, I feel more uncomfortable just living a life that is pre-set for me that I can’t help but feel isn’t right. I feel like I’m capable of so much more, like there’s a bigger purpose than just living life the way I do just because it’s what’s considered ‘normal.’ It’s taken me a long time to realize that just making changes in this area makes me a happier, more fulfilled person. I’ve felt unsatisfied in the way i’ve been living life but It’s taken a while to pin point what it is that makes me so uncomfortable.

In the past year, I’ve also been on a journey of trying to figure out what I believe about God. Does he exist? I grew up in a religious home (a missionary kid to be exact) but I hadn’t taken the time to really define what that meant for ME. In college, I never really talked about being a possible christian. Most of my friends weren’t religious and If someone challenged my beliefs I didn’t feel like I could defend myself or the religion so I just ignored it. I agreed with people when they bashed religion and I agreed with people when they said they didn’t know what they believed. Chris started singing at a church in college and ultimately it was where we got married. I can’t say that at that point in my life God or christianity had any real meaning to me. I didn’t have a personal relationship with him at all—mainly because I hadn’t taken the time to try and I really didn’t know how or where to start. We moved to North Carolina and I got a job that had me working on Sunday mornings. Last year, I decided I had put it off long enough and I was going to start somewhere and try and decode this thing that I knew was part of my life but I had decided to ignore. Long story short, I found a church—one that I love and make it a point to spend time reading the bible and praying every morning before work. I got baptized again last year and it was a very transformative moment for me. For me personally, christianity has had a huge impact on my life for the better. I can’t stand here and tell you that I have it all figured out, I can’t tell you that I don’t grapple with it every single day, I can’t say that I don’t still question the existence of God sometimes, and I can’t tell you that religion is the answer to your problems (though I do believe it will help)….but the way in which it has impacted my life personally is overwhelming sometimes. If you ever want to hear about it, just ask.

Even though I know it makes people feel uncomfortable when I ask them questions about things in their life that are hard to talk about, It’s worth the risk of them getting mad. We often try to hide parts of our lives from others because we are ashamed of or insecure about them. I’ve come to realize that if nobody talks about the hard parts of life—nobody will realize that you’re struggling and you’ll continue to feel that way. So, I take a risk. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that there is a difference between pouring out your life to someone the minute you meet them and sharing your life with people because you feel like you can hopefully make an impact on someone else’s life. It’s a fine line.

I wrote a blog post last year about feeling very lonely. I was struggling to find friends that I felt I could be real with and I was astonished at the responses that I got from people who felt the exact same way. I felt very vulnerable sharing that with people but it was worth it when I realized that I was helping others with the same struggle.

I see there no reason to hide parts of your life that you consider to be best friend material only. What’s there to fear? That people are going to judge you? Some will. But I bet you that if you try sharing your life stories, you’ll find we are all struggling with something similar and if not, most people are going to be compassionate and not shun you. If anything, they will feel closer to you and have respect for you being confident enough to share. It only takes one person to talk about it for it to become something that empowers others to also share. There will definitely be people who judge you for being you and if they do, it’s my opinion that it’s time for you to realize that they’re not healthy friends.

In high school and the beginning of college I struggled with an eating disorder. I was bulimic and gee wiz did it suck the life out of me. I look back at pictures when I thought I was fat and think how ridiculous I was. But, I was sick. I’m not ashamed to talk about it because it’s something that millions of women (and men) struggle with every day. I thought I had completely gotten rid of that part of my life until things got really stressful last year during this self reflection process and I found myself having to go back to the drawing board and figure out why I was feeling the way I did. Only then did I realize that all those years when I was younger had also had an impact on my teeth and contributed to the $1200 bill we had to take out of our very low income. I also had to be honest with Chris about my mindset and it was so difficult because I was letting someone else into this part of my life that I wanted to be able to take care of on my own. Why do I tell you all this? Because I wish someone had told me that this is something that could reoccur in my life even after I thought I had wrapped it up in a bow and shipped it off. Frankly, it scared the crap out of me and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to deal with it. But nobody talks about those things. I would have had to have gone to a support group of sorts to have gotten that type of information. That’s a major reason for why I didn’t continue dance in college. My eating disorder was so attached to my desire to be perfect in dance that I didn’t feel it healthy to continue dancing.

Why did I share all this? When we have times in our lives when we self reflect—I think it’s important to share that part of life with people and in my personal opinion people that aren’t necessarily just close friends. I want others to experience the joy of life that I’ve gotten to experience over the past few months—the joy of coming to realize who you are at the core. It takes a lot of digging around in the dirt to figure that out but the sense of freedom after doing so and being content with who you are, how you act, what you say, how you treat others, and how you treat yourself is priceless.

If you’re someone over the age of 35—go find someone young and be a mentor to them. Because, going through your early 20’s is the time when you need guidance the most. You may not be like me and feel quite as comfortable sharing to a large group of people and that’s ok. But I challenge you to find people you can share life with honestly. Talk about everything and find true happiness in who you are!