Have no fear!

Bloody Gina, fresh off her successful management of the CIA torture program, has vowed to better manage the flood of opium pouring across our borders.



CIA Director Gina Haspel pledged Monday that the spy agency would step up its efforts to stem the flow of opioids into the U.S., saying illegal drugs have killed more Americans than terrorists.

...Reporters attending the event were kept far away from Haspel and were not granted an opportunity to ask questions.

Well I feel reassured. After all the CIA has such a long and distinguished record regarding the management of opium.



The CIA has a role in collecting intelligence on the drug trade, running operations targeting Mexican cartels and other transnational groups. The agency has also been regularly accused of looking the other way in its relationships with reputed drug traffickers, including the late Ahmed Wali Karzai, brother of the former Afghan president. He was reported to be a CIA asset even as he was alleged to have been involved in Afghanistan's opium trade, one of the largest sources of heroin.

I know that looks bad, but it's not like the CIA has ever knowingly assisted drug lords before, and then lied to the public about it.

Also, it's not like the U.S. government has knowingly lied to the American public about the conditions on the ground in Afghanistan.





I can say for a fact that we only send the best of the best to fight in Afghanistan.



A civilian contractor working with the U.S. armed forces in Afghanistan has been fired after video footage posted online this week showed him wearing a white nationalist “Kekistan” flag patch on his helmet.

So fear not! The CIA is on the job, and they will have this Afghanistan opium problem better managed in no time at all.