Here I am writing my second blog post about 4 months since my first one. In honour of Bell Let’s Talk day this week, I decided I would share this blog with my Facebook network, because I know that the more people know about what I’m dealing, the better it’ll be for my mental health (heck, maybe even someone knows something I can try or is going through something similar and can suggest something to help with the physical health too! One can hope). My issue may be pretty embarrassing but I’m done being ashamed of it. The last time I wrote in this blog, I was in a state of uncertainty as I was not sure whether I would write the CFE and was not sure what the heck was wrong with me (I still don’t have a clue… I’ll expand on that in a bit). I did indeed withdraw from the CFE, which was a tough but necessary decision as I was in no physical or mental state to write the biggest exam of my life. Three of my coworkers wrote the exam and passed, and I’m really happy and proud of them for making it through. The night before the results came out, there was an event to celebrate the writers’ accomplishments, pass or fail. I did not attend the event, not because I did not want to support my cohorts, but because of my physical health putting a drain on my mental health. I know a lot of is mental; I mean I could’ve pushed through my physical ailment to be there for my colleagues, but the health issues have taken a huge toll on my mental endurance. It’s been a battle, day in day out.

To expand more on the health issue, I finally received a diagnosis from the gastroenterologist (yet another useless medical doctor that I’ve seen). The diagnosis is “chronic idiopathic constipation” which literally means “cause unknown”. Leading up to this appointment with this specialist, I was placing a lot of hope into it thinking that “this person specializes in digestion problems, there’s no way he won’t be able to help me”. Sure enough, he’s just like any other medical doctor (forgive me for being cynical… I’ve been around the horn for way too long now) and he doesn’t believe that constipation is a “real problem”… “we treat constipation, not fix it”. I showed him a video of the intense slosh/gurgle sounds that my gut makes pretty much consistently, and he shrugged it off as not important/normal, and he’s the second MD to do so. When I show this video to friends and family, they are legitimately shocked by the sound it makes and tell me “OMG you NEED to get this checked by a doctor!!” They are concerned for me and rightfully so. My only wish is that a doctor, someone who can actually help me, would actually become passionate about helping me fix my problem. I would like to know what the hell is physiologically causing this gurgle sound and why my bowels do not want to work as a result. He rushed through the appointment, asking rapid-fire questions and making me feel like my problem wasn’t worthy of investigation. He suggested that I continue taking laxatives (which have been basically the only thing that have kept my system moving these days), but I’d like to get a real solution so that I’m not dependent on laxatives my whole life. This is no way to live, trust me. When I told him how much this problem affects me mentally, especially at work, he is actually surprised that it has any effect on my mental state and asks “why? because you feel embarrassed?” No, you idiot, because it makes me feel like shit. Uncomfortable and unrelieved. He suggested that the problem could just be in my head and that depression is causing the problem. I am experiencing feelings of depression BECAUSE of this issue, not the other way around. He also suggested that some people can have ONE bowel movement per week and can be considered NORMAL. Excuse me, aren’t you a specialist of the digestive system? How many times do you go per week? Most people don’t even think about it because their systems work fine and they’ll have multiple healthy movements per day, as is normal. I miss the days of not having a second thought about it. If you’re reading this, please do not ever take it for granted.

What compounds the issue even more is how much I’ve researched and how much I’ve learned about nutrition and how much I do to try to stay healthy. It’s incredibly frustrating because I do all the right things. I eat lots of good quality meats, high quality fats, tons of veggies, limit the sugary crap and carbs, focus on the right supplements (lots of magnesium, good wholefood vitamin C (NOT ascorbic acid), and place a heavy emphasis on mineral balancing) and I have yet to find a solution for my body to be able to heal itself. I even go for regular chiropractic adjustments because I’ve read that maybe my digestive issue is caused by nervous system underperforming and chiro adjustments help the nervous system function. I have put in a lot of effort into helping my mental state as well, through meditation, deep breathing, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT, also known as tapping). I know I could be more consistent with these things and I do intend to continue with them. Another thing I used to do a lot of but have not been able to do over the past 5 months is play ball hockey. I used to play 4-5 games per week and it kept me in pretty damn good shape. Now, with the issue I had in September (mono-like viral problem), my spleen is still enlarged and I am not able to play (I tried playing once back in November when I thought I was better… then boom fevers for a week). So I need to be careful to not exacerbate the problem any further. Not exercising as much, and not being able to do something I love, certainly takes a toll on the physical and mental health as well, and that’s another blog post in itself.

The day after I went to the GI specialist, I went to see a naturopathic doctor (ND). The difference is striking. Her questionnaire was about 10 pages long while the GI doctor’s questionnaire consisted of 6 questions on one page. We spent about an hour and a half going through everything in detail and she was clearly quite compassionate and I got the feeling that she really cared and really wants to help. She did not dismiss the video I showed her; she watched it and was horrified like any other normal healthy human would be. This is what I want. I almost want someone to tell me that I’ve got such and such disease. I do not want doctors to keep telling me everything is hunky dory when I know there’s something physiologically wrong. The ND gave me a few suggestions to implement, and I will do so over the next while. At this point, I’ve tried anything and everything you can think of and I’m still grasping at straws (ie. I’m willing to try anything that has a chance of helping me). Anyway, it’s nice to have someone with some medical background who actually cares for my well-being and really wants to help me.

My life at work has been especially difficult lately. I know I have not been the best employee, best coworker, best communicator or best friend to have around the office. If you’re reading this as my coworker, please know that it is not because I’m not trying. Every day is a battle with my physical self. Some days are good, don’t get me wrong, but the overwhelming majority of days are very challenging. I wish I had more people at work to talk to and to trust about these issues, but I do not want to be viewed upon as handicapped or limited in my abilities in any way. I do not want to be held back in my career because of my physical limitations, so I do my best to fight through the bad days and try my best to be good at my job, but I know that I’ve been lacking in that area. It’s been especially hard because I have tried to share this with some coworkers but it’s very hard to convey having digestive problems and how much it can have an effect with people who are healthy because it’s hard for them to empathize. I still remember being laughed at last busy season because I missed a day of work for having “digestive issues”. It’s okay though, I understand. It’s not an easy thing to talk about and it’s the subject of many jokes. I just wish my coworkers and friends knew that this issue has prevented me from being my 100% jubilant and easygoing funny self, and I feel like I’d be a much better leader at the office if I could just get back to normal health. Up until now, I’ve felt so alone at work because I have not confided this to anyone, but a couple days ago I finally decided to confide in someone and I’m glad I did. People are so much more willing to help if you just talk to them and communicate properly, and that is my hope from writing this blog. If anyone else has any health issues holding them back, physical or mental, please do not be afraid to speak out, or use a public forum like this, to do so. I know I am taking a risk that may affect my career and my relationships, but that is a risk I am willing to take if that means being open and honest. If there’s anything you can take from this blog, it’s this: Please do not suffer in silence. It’s not worth it.

I will close off with a happy paragraph, focusing on some positives in my life. My dad, who was diagnosed with cancer last year, had his surgery to remove the tumour and has been recovering since (albeit slowly, but he’s recovering nonetheless). My amazingly wonderful and caring mother (and stepfather) have been taken care of him as he recovers, and it’s done wonders for him both physically and mentally. I saw what the cancer did to him not only physically but mentally. My mom has been slowly but surely coaching him to think more positively because that’s the only way through. Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. That’s certainly been the case with my dad and he’s been such a wonderful role model as he battles through cancer. Heck, it makes my problem look minuscule compared to his and I feel bad even complaining at all. He texts and calls me regularly to remind me that things will get better, and I know he’s right. I know I need to keep changing the way I think and that thoughts are powerful. I truly appreciate everyone in my life who make me see the good in the bad, because that is how we all should be. Negative thoughts are a waste, and are incredibly counterproductive.

I apologize if this post has grown to be rather lengthy, but is has been very helpful to get my thoughts out and I’m happy to have gotten this out in the open. I recommend blogging or journaling to everyone; it is very cathartic! (#wordoftheday) I pledge to do this more often, as there are a couple other topics I could expand upon.

Thanks so much for reading this. Please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Love, Andrew