Top 10 Confessions of a Debauched Loser

Hello, my name Barnie and I am 26 years old. I am a narcissistic assbite who takes pleasure in other people’s misery. My cocky attitude should win the Nobel Peace prize as I am a no good two shoe type of guy.

Confession # 1:

I’ve been dating this girl Lisa for almost 3 years. We met each other on a New York trip in December of 2009. Initially I did not feel any attraction towards Robyn, as I was more interested in her best friend, Carly. Carly goes to school in another town and was too much of a princess type for me to date. So I stole Meagan right from under my best friend’s nose and started dating her instead.

Our dating life was not much for the first 3 months. In fact, it took me 3 months to declare my love for Lisa and another month more to kiss her. Then I messaged my friends saying “I finally found the balls to kiss her.”

Confession # 2:

My friend Adam is very introverted. He came out of a long term relationship with a medical student and was dealing with the repercussions. When we went on the France trip together, he fell in love with an average girl. It took him forever to ask that girl out. What do I do? I talk in Spanish behind his back, trying to make him grow some balls that I seem to not have.

Confession 3:

I am missing some bollox, can anyone spare me a few? I get boners from watching butt-pirates kiss each other.

I am actually a homophobic jerk, if you have not guessed so already. I will not be friends with anyone who is homosexual. In fact, I called the police on a guy who I thought was gay and reported him for being a stalker. He turned out to be cooler than I am and is now getting married to a real woman or at least I hope she is.

Confession #4:

My friend Callum got married this past September. Callum and I have been best buds for over 10 years. When it comes to mutual friends, we do not see eye to eye.

I did not want to go to Callum’s wedding because he invited that butt-pirate I called the police on. I initially said I was going, but told my friend Adam to tell Callum that I, in fact, was not going. Adam forgot to say something to Callum.

I ended up texting Callum 1 week before the wedding using Robyn’s phone, telling him we will not come. What a dolt; am I not?

Confession #5:

I’m a bad loser. Experience has taught me how to be gracious in triumph. I just take pleasure in seeing other people suffering. Am I so bad?

Confession # 6:

You see, I am far from being an idiot, I simply possess an openness that most of us reserve for the sake of polite society.

Confession # 7:

Still, unmarried! I play tricks in my mind, and you can see me slowly losing my sanity. I even started not to believe who I really am anymore. I am not the king of the suburbs….I am the king of the janitorial business.

Confession # 8:

I recently opened up a forum to connect those who need help with those who can provide help. Hmm..maybe I can find some psychologists on here.

Confession # 9:

I enjoy torturing others and making them pay. In fact, I am the type of person that loves rubbing salt on other peoples’ wounds.

Confession #10:

I am a virgin and proud of it. I intend to do it with my gf when and if we get married.

Summary:

This article is a figure of my imagination. All of the confessions stipulated in this post have been fictionalized.

There is a moral lesson to this article. You need to be considerate of others and treat everyone around you with respect. Some of these confessions, I’ve seen all too many times, and hope they raise the message to stop bullying.