Start from the beginning here!

The selling is done for the time being – it’s time to buy. We’ve got a few positions we need to replace – mainly Central Defensive Midfield, Centre-back and a couple of players for the forward positions, preferably players who can fill a number of positions like Kruse did. After the previous outgoings, we now find ourselves with a transfer budget of around £24 million after adjusting the wage budget.

Before I have the chance to look at anybody, however, Theodor Gebre Selassie tells me that he thinks he’s achieved everything he can at the club (a grand total of nothing trophy-wise in six years) and that he wants a new challenge. Aged 31 and on fairly reasonable wages whilst playing second-fiddle to Bauer, I agree to let him go. Now we need to add a right-back to the list of incomings.

One of my scouts in Poland comes back with a recommendation for the Central Defensive Midfield position. Sasa Zdjelar has spent the season on loan at Partizan from Greek club Olympiacos and has impressed – racking up plenty of assists from a deeper midfield position and being one of Partizan’s standout performers as they won the Serbian Superleague.

Zdjelar’s loan included an option to buy of around £445k, one which Partizan used, however Zdjelar decided that his ambitions lie higher than the top division in Serbia and rejected their offer, leaving the door wide open for us. I approach Olympiacos and make an offer. After some negotiations, we settle on a deal for £1.2 million with a further £250k based on league appearances. The negotiations run smoothly and his wage demands are very reasonable for a club of our stature and, within a matter of days, the deal is complete. Zdjelar says his desire to play in the league contributed to his decision, the man’s got ambition, which unfortunately means he insists on a Champions League club release clause and not a particularly well-valued one.

Next I turn to right-back and I have a name in mind. After a successful season on loan with Girona, Pablo Maffeo has been put back on the loan list by Manchester City. He’s not available for a transfer, at least not for a price anywhere close to reasonable, but we’ll take him for the season.

I just finish signing off on the loan agreement at the training facilities when an excitable call comes through from my assistant.

“Boss, we’ve got to get on the phone to Dortmund ASAP.”

“Look, I’m not interested. If they want Johannes or Junuzovic or any other of my players then you can tell them they can shove it up their…”

“Jadon Sancho is transfer listed. £5 million is the asking price. He had a huge bust-up with Rafa Benitez over his playing time. Two cup appearances was all he got. He started kicking up a fuss and Dortmund have agreed to get rid.”

I’m suddenly very alert. This could be huge.

“Has anybody put in a bid yet?”

“Nein. It’s only just happened, we need to act fast.”

“I’ll do it now. If we pull this off…”

“I know, I know. Now get on the phone to them.”

I submit the bid, which Dortmund accept. Soon after, I’ve got a phone call from Sancho’s agent and the number seems oddly familiar to me as I look at my phone. I answer, and a familiar laugh is coming down the phone.

“Bill Cosby, we meet again.” It’s only Mino fucking Raiola.

“Ah, Mino, how are you doing?” My cheeks hurt as I force the smile to attempt to sound happy to hear his voice. It’s probably not very convincing.

“I’m doing very well. Dario Maresic has just arrived at Chelsea, we’re very excited to have him at the club, as well as the financial benefits that brings, between you and me.” He laughs. It’s almost like hearing Jabba the Hutt in his palace.

“Ah yes, I’m sure his imminent loan to Spal is just what he dreamed of when he signed for Chelsea.” I reply. The laughter stops abruptly. “What, you don’t think I read the papers?”

“Let’s cut the shit, Cosby.” His tone has changed dramatically. “You want my client and, quite frankly, we can do much better than your tinpot club. My client is a five star player and you’re a two-and-a-half star club, three star at best.”

“I know your client. I know his past. He left Manchester City because he wanted game time – even refused to train to secure his move to get first team football. Now he’s spent a year playing with Dortmund’s kids and making two cup appearances he’s throwing his toys out of the pram and demanding his second move in the space of a year. How many more big clubs can your client afford to piss off before he decides he has to settle for game time?”

“Plenty. There’s no shortage of them. Half of the Premier League would queue up for my client’s services, Manchester City would take him back in an instant.”

“Interesting. Tell me, have Manchester City put their bid in yet? What about the rest of the Premier League?” Mino is finally silent. “I didn’t think so. So, you’re quite right, let’s cut the shit. We can give your player what he wants – guaranteed playing time, a minimum of 20 games in his first season, a stepping stone to a bigger club should we not become one ourselves in the time he spends here.”

“He’s going to need financial incentives.” Raiola says, “Big financial incentives. If a Premier League club come in for him, how is he supposed to even look twice at Bremen?”

“What kind of financial incentive are we talking?” I ask. The million dollar question. Potentially literally, in Mino’s case.

“I would need at least £1 million for my services.” I sigh loudly. “Well, if that is of no interest to you…”

“No, no, it’s fine, keep going.” I’m exasperated at this point. I’d almost forgotten how much of a chore it is to speak to this man.

“Jadon would like a salary of at least £40k per week.”

“That’s feasible…” I say. I don’t want to be too concrete about this at such an early stage.

“And there are conditions, naturally.”

I swear under my breath. There are always conditions when dealing with Mino. “Go on.”

“Firstly, he wants to wear the number 11. It’s very important for his own branding that he wear this preferred number. We have a lot of campaigns ready to go with this squad number.” I do not reply. Not an unreasonable request. “Secondly, he wants you to qualify for the Champions League. Not this season, we are reasonable men, but if you have not secured qualification by the summer of 2020, we will start to look elsewhere.”

“That’s the club’s target. We want to be up there, Jadon can help us achieve that.” I say. This is looking very possible. “Is that all?”

Mino laughs. “There is one final request. Jadon would like to be the club’s vice-captain.”

I cannot help but laugh along with Mino. “Vice-captain? Are you serious?”

“I never joke when it comes to my clients.”

“The boy’s 18 years old. He’s going to be strolling into a squad as one of the highest earners having made a grand total of two first team appearances in his life for any club and now you want him to be the vice-captain too? The players won’t respect him at all and it’ll make me look a fool. Absolutely not.”

Mino pauses. “I understand your predicament, Cosby. We can talk about this over contract negotiations. Are you happy to begin?”

“Yes.” I say, begrudgingly. Getting into bed with Raiola is a dangerous game, both metaphorically and literally.

The next day we go over the contract details and settle on a wage of £43k per week. He has a release clause for Champions League clubs of £15 million and a relegation release clause of £5 million. Mino gets his £1 million fee whilst Sancho himself gets £600k signing on bonus. The deal is ludicrous for a boy of his age with as little first team experience as he has but it’s hard to argue with his talents. I’d spent the entire night before the negotiation watching Manchester City Academy montages on YouTube and it had got me pretty excited for the whole thing.

A couple of days pass and we’ve still had no word on the completion of the deal. The contract was agreed principally but Mino has stalled on getting anything signed. He’s looking for better clubs, I just know it, but I don’t want to beg him.

Eventually, my worst nightmares are confirmed as Bild leak the story that Jadon Sancho is on his way to Bayern Munich for a medical. Naturally, the stories about Sancho being close to an agreement with Bremen have hit the local, national and international press and so I’m soon greeted with questions from journalists on what my thoughts are on the deal.

“Cosby, it’s Archie Rhind-Tutt from The Guardian. I’m sure you’ll have seen the reports that Bayern are close to signing Jadon Sancho – given how bullish your club have been in the last couple of days about your chances of signing him, what do you make of the reports?” I knew my email to him about Max Kruse would earn me some kudos one day. The question is a fair one but, ultimately, I go off on one.

“Look, if Bayern are bidding for him then what can I do? We all know what happens in this country. A club beneath Bayern has a player who is good and Bayern buy him. They’re destroying this league. Hoeneß and Rumenigge can preach about how the Bundesliga needs to get stronger and how Bayern need to get back to consistently reaching the latter stages of the Champions League, but the fact is that until they allow for some competition in this league there’s absolutely no chance of that happening. They’re the leech sucking on the blood of German football and I can only hope that one day they’ll become so fat with success that they fall off and I tell you what, when that day comes I’ll be right there laughing along with everybody else.”

The rant is all over the internet, though not for long as it’s soon overshadowed by the Jadon Sancho deal, which goes through later that night. He is not earning £43k per week, he does not have the number 11 and he is not the vice-captain. We’ve been absolutely played by Mino.

Shaking this off, we move into the market for more realistic targets. We need a backup Centre Back to rotate. Somebody cheap who can fill in if urgently needed.

One of my scouts, who’s been looking across Scandinavia, tells me about one player who’s caught his eye while he’s been out there. Denis Vavro, a Slovakian defender playing for FC København, has been a dependable player in his one season in the Danish Superliga. He’s young with some potential to improve and maybe even surpass Langkamp’s ability. He’s got the acceleration of a tortoise and my scouts warn me that he may not be the most ambitious of players, but for a backup that doesn’t hugely concern me. We get the deal done with little fuss.

Onto a more sexy position, Central Attacking Midfield. Both Belfodil and Kruse would play this position throughout the season and, with the former back at his own club after his loan spell and the latter being a massive dickhead, we need to find somebody who can do the job.

I have my eye on a young Croatian, Lovro Majer. Currently playing for Lokomotiva in the Croatian First League, he’s experienced a breakout season. In 2017/18 he scored 13 goals, assisting a further 11. More than just a playmaker, he’s also a goal threat, which is just what we need. We approach Lokomotiva for a transfer but they’re not willing to let him go easily. I go in at around £5 million but what they’re looking for is closer to £15 million. After some haggling, I meet them almost halfway, only committing to £7 million this season with the rest in instalments and future bonuses.

Majer himself demands a release clause, though thankfully it’s a decent one which, if it were triggered, I’d be quite happy to have the funds at my disposal. Low wage, high potential. Pretty much an ideal signing and, as a new club record transfer, a statement of intent.

In the midst of these transfers, Diagne leaves the club for £800k, sealing a move to Angers, whilst Gebre Selassie gets the move he was angling for at the start of the window by sealing a £1.3 million move to Alaves, rising to £1.8 million.

We’re approaching the last couple of weeks of the transfer window as the pre-season is about to begin. The season’s fixture list is announced and it looks like it’ll be an interesting start to the season.

Thankfully we’re given a favourable start against newly-promoted St Pauli, though we soon find ourselves with some difficult fixtures at both Mainz and a much earlier trip to the Allianz Arena than I would have liked. The final fixture of the season is going to be tough as we’re away at Leipzig, so we’d better pray we have nothing to play for in the final weeks.

Pre-season looms, but our transfer business isn’t done yet. We’ve got something big up our sleeve…

Read Part 17 here!