Q: So where does this story start?

My story start back in highschool, but it has impacted me for years. I was in a happy relationship and had been in one for about 5 months, I was doing well in school and I had a handful of good friends. Life was good, I am not going to lie things were great, I was celebrated at my school and things felt peaceful and calm. Now mind you, my parents were not really around emotionally for me, I’m sure they loved me and they supported me, but they didn’t really care much for feelings; in other words if I had a roof above my head, a warm dinner, and was doing well in school they thought all was good. For the most part they were right, I didn’t need a support network because I was happy.

Anyways so that’s all the background you need, let’s start at morning of that fateful day. My friend was hosting a party at their house and I was planning on spending the night, as were a lot of us. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come as she also was in the friend group but she was working that night and couldn’t, I was a little sad but I was more excited for the party. Fast forward a few hours to the party, things were going well, we were playing games, having a few drinks life was good. It was getting pretty late so most people started heading home while the rest of us started to head inside. One of my “friends” was very adamant that I keep drinking and even though I wasn’t super comfortable with it I agreed and had a few more drinks with her. I was getting pretty light headed and knew I shouldn’t drink anymore, at this time there was maybe a handful of people still there and awake. She looked a little sad when I that I was done for the night, and pushed me to have another drink with her, I still remembering it was weird that she was still sober. I agreed but I made sure she knew that I was going to bed after it. I had my drink, said my goodnights and went to look for a couch to sleep on.

I still remember when she asked me if I’d rather sleep in the guest room instead of the couch. All I thought at the time was “Sweet, beds are way better than couches”, but I knew that is where she was sleeping so I reminded her that I was in a relationship (something she would’ve known because her and my girlfriend were close), I still remember her answer. It’s burned into my memory. “Don’t worry, I know you are off the market. I’ll be sleeping on the couch” she told me, and I had no reason to suspect anything because I thought I was among friends. I fell asleep thinking nothing of it because there was no reason to think about anything.

Later that night she came into my room, I remember being still half asleep when she started to undress me. She was on top of me when I realized what was happening, I tried getting up but she had me held down. I was too drunk to move, she could easily overpower me. I tried screaming, thinking she was just confused, but she covered my mouth. We were alone in the basement while everyone else was upstairs. I remember crying while I kept trying to say no. She knew I didn’t want it, she knew I hated what she was doing to me, she didn’t care she kept going.

I don’t want to talk about more about that night, I still can’t talk about it. I didn’t go to sleep that night. I stayed awake hating myself. I knew this was my fault. I did this to myself. I led her on. That morning I went home, got into the shower and for the first time in my life thought of ending it all. I cut myself for the first time that morning, I stayed in that hot shower for a long time because the more cuts I had on my body the uglier I would look, I wanted the world to know I was broken, I was garbage. No one wants garbage, if I cut myself no one would do that to me again. I kept cutting until I started to feel light headed from the blood loss. I locked myself in my room and fell asleep wishing I would die. I woke up sometime during the night screaming and crying, my bed sheets were drenched in my own blood. I ran outside my house and walked into the night. I kept walking until I ended up at my church, faith at the time was very important to me, I walked in and knelt at the altar still wishing that I would die, that somehow God would see how worthless I was and end my time here on earth.

To this day I still don’t know why the priest (a close friend of mine at that time) was awake in the middle of the night, maybe he felt that something was wrong, maybe it was a security alarm that tripped and woke him. He bandaged my arms and legs, and he simply said if I needed to talk he would be there. He told me that I could sleep in his room if I needed a bed for the night. I simply asked if he could hear my confession, I told him what had happened and he talked to me for a long time. He spoke about reporting it to the police, and about how that it was not my fault, and how that he couldn’t absolve me from my sins because I hadn’t committed any. I told him I wouldn’t report it, I couldn’t do that to my friend, I didn’t want to ruin her life. We stayed by the altar for a while, he was visibly upset about everything. I ended up going home that night and slept.

The next morning I went to school, I was called down to the principal’s office where I was met by 2 officers among other school admin. They did their best to calm me down and explain that had received a report that I was raped and that they were here for me. I knew it had to be him, though I don’t blame him for going behind my back, I was a child, I was only 18 at the time. He did what he thought was best for me and if our places were switched I would do the same. I was robbed of my control over my own life and I decided there and then that I was going to regain that control. I lied. I told them that it must’ve been a misunderstanding, it took quite a great deal of time to convince them but I did it.

I thought the matter was finally behind me, that I was able to protect her from the police and that her future was unblemished. I cared about everyone else, I wasn’t important, important people don’t wake up crying, important people don’t have cuts on their bodies.

A few days after she started a rumor that I had slept with her at the party, that we were both sober and I made the first move. Everyone believed her. My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I cheated on her, all my friends thought I was a dirtbag who cheats. Everyone hated me. At first I tried to fight it, I tried to tell people that I was raped.

People laughed.

“Guys cannot be raped”

“You must’ve asked for it”

“Every guy wants sex, there is no way she raped you”

were things I heard from everyone I reached out to. I tried to fight it but then I gave in. I wanted people to hate me as much as I hated myself.

She won. She got what she wanted. She took my girlfriend, she took my friends, she took my smile, and she took my self worth. Up until then I always wanted to be a priest, to help save the souls of humanity, but I never went back to church after that night. I was garbage. The world had shown me that. I couldn’t pursue that dream of mine, so I gave it up and enrolled in Engineering here. Some of my friends came to realize the truth, she kept changing the story until people started to realize that she was lying. Sadly I was too far gone by the time I had a single friend to help me. I was alone. I was garbage. I deserved to suffer alone. Engineering wasn’t even something I ever wanted to do. To this day I still don’t know why I picked it.

Q: This may be a tough question, so feel free to not answer it, but do you regret defending her?

No, even after all these years I still want what’s best for her. I still hope she finds peace and happiness. I hope she lives a long life surrounded by friends. It’s not in me to hate, it’s not natural for me to wish evil on others. This is my lot in life and I’ll accept it if it means she can be happy

Q: Have you tried to reach out for help?

I have, I went to counselling services quite a few times and tried MATES. They helped me with my self image, they taught me how to love again, they helped a lot.

Q: What do you mean by love again?

It took me a while to trust people again, to let my guard down around people. For the first time in years I fell in love. It was scary at first, especially when she wanted to be physical. We started slow, we always made sure both of us were comfortable at all times. She showed me that I can be normal again.

Q: Do you have any advice for people who may have been raped or for people supporting rape victims?

I’m sorry but I can’t answer that, this story was hard enough to talk about. I would try to get educated as much as possible on the matter, there are a lot of resources online but nothing that I can say.

Q: Do you have anything to tell people who might still think that male rape is not a real thing?

Actually yes I do, if you honestly think guys can’t be raped or that guys always want sex no matter what, then all I have to say to you is “Fuck You”. If you think I wanted what happened to me then you are a terrible human being and very much need to rethink your stance on this one.

Q: To end on a lighter note, do you have any song or artist in mind that you would like our readers to hear?

Yes, you all really need to listen to more Anne Murray she’s a national treasure.