The Slipknot / Stone Sour frontman could tell some stories that'd make your toes curl. He's seen stuff you don't want to see.





"I’ve collected some great stories over the years that involve some fairly famous people. Unfortunately, some of these I can’t really tell you right now – at least until these people either pass away or stop being my friend. The reason being that the tales are so utterly ridiculous I can’t believe they happened, but those involved are such sweet people I don’t want to risk hurting their feelings. Yeah, I’m a saint like that – couldn’t give a shit what people think about ME, but when it comes to my friends I’m very protective of their feelings and privacy.

Then there are the people I don’t give a saggy titty-fuck about because they are such vile, second-rate turd-tasters that the only reason I change or omit their names is because 1) they don’t deserve the extra publicity, or 2) they’re the kind of people who would sue me. I don’t need anyone fucking with my children’s college funds. So I’ve had to bite back a lot – A LOT – the varied stories I’d like to share with you all. There are some good ones, too. There’s that singer from that band who talked shit about Slipknot, so I grabbed him by his throat, shoved him against a wall and threatened to eat his heart in the marketplace. Now, as much as I’d love to bust him out for being a two-faced, talentless hack that steals other people’s music and repackages it as his own because he thinks nobody will notice, I just can’t do it.

YET.

There’s the time I was asked by a person whom I consider a living legend to join him onstage, and I almost did it until he told me I wouldn’t be singing and my guitar wouldn’t be plugged in. If this person wasn't one of the sweetest people on the planet, I would have snapped like the waistband on a shiny pair of new man-panties. This is the mega-bitch about having empathy sometimes; just when you think you’re going to lose it and call foul for all the world to see, you realise this person has no idea how completely fucked up that particular situation actually is.

Am I developing – dare I say it – RESTRAINT in my old age (quiet, you)? It’s very possible this might be the case. I am now completely aware of icky stuff like feelings and shit. As weird as that is for me, think about how my friends and family feel.

Whenever I show compassion in a scenario that any other time I would have pounced like a panther and ripped it to shreds, they give me a look like someone switched me out in the night. “Who ARE you?” I know, right? It’s fuckin’ intolerable, this newfound tolerance. How am I supposed to be the Great Big Mouth when I’m keeping that mouth in check?

I know the real reason, however.

I can’t keep up. Too many humans are doing too many dumb things for me to keep track and it’s pissing me off. Every day, I wake up to new fuck-stick moves by the public and I can only comment on so many at a time. Thank Buddha I have this column and my books, or I think I’d have around a million aneurysms, all with cute little nicknames. You’d see one of my eyes twitch and a tendril of spittle slip past my teeth and you’d say, “Buchanan must be bothering him again. Just wait – maybe Butthole will go next.” This is the hell I live with and you should feel bad for me. But you’re all assholes like me – I know you don’t. Good for you.

You just wait. In 10 years, all this holding back is going to get boring for me and I’m going to unleash all my secrets on the world, with names, photos, play-by-play, graphic detail, reenactments and guest stars playing the parts. It’s going to be awesome, and the crazy thing is I’m still collecting all these stories. Just yesterday, some singer in some band you all listen to did something so incredibly stupid I had to write it down. I don’t know how they’re all so oblivious to the fact that I’m keeping track – maybe because I’ve reined in my biting commentary? I’m not sure, but that’s okay. I’ll stay on the sidelines and write it all down. Just be patient; it shouldn’t be too much longer. Let’s just say that books seven and eight are going to be pretty gnarly. But I’ll need you to buy them as quickly as possible because they JUST may get yanked from the shelves during the ensuing lawsuit. Shit, let’s be honest: lawsuits.

Take it all, you ballbags – it’s just stuff to me.

You think the books are bad? Wait ‘til you see who plays you in the MOVIES…"



This column originally appears in RS193 (July 2014). You know what's cool? If you download the RS App for your iOS / Android device, you can get the digital edition of that whole magazine entirely FREE. What are you waiting for, eh?



When Corey isn't writing words for Rock Sound, he happens to be in a band called Slipknot. They've got a new album coming out soon, but you knew that, right?