Why I Am Voting For Jill Stein in November

By Joe Starr | Politics | September 22, 2016 |

This November is a major, major election. At the center of the storm: two titans in Trump and Clinton, swinging at each other like a scene out of Pacific Rim. But, much like Stacker Pentecost, I’m not interested in their fight. I want to cancel the apocalypse!

So I’m voting for Jill Stein, the most qualified candidate for president in 2016. I’m proud to be on this boat, and I’d like you to join me, so I’m going to lay out my reasoning why Jill Stein and the Green Party are the right choice for the White House.

Jill Stein is an outsider candidate

I’m tired of Washington insiders. Aren’t you? The thing about Washington insiders is that they are too inside — too inside Washington’s butt, that is! LOL. But seriously. Knowing the intricacies of operating on a political battleground of 50 states with their own needs and beliefs as well as a working knowledge of our foreign relationships around the globe is no magic wand that says you deserve to be president. Let’s give someone new a try. Let’s allow a real outsider with an outsider’s perspective to take the wheel.

Jill Stein is the outsider for me. Why? Because she’s such an outsider, I literally had never heard of her before a few months ago. You can’t get more outside than that. She was an elected member of the Lexington Town Meeting, which is the name of a local town council and not a band signed to early 2000’s Vagrant Records. She resigned so she could run for Governor, which actually makes me nervous because governors might be a bit too inside for my tastes. Fortunately, she is not addressed as ‘Governor Stein,’ so luckily, she’s still the outsider we need.

Some people might say that they’d take a third-party candidate seriously if they and their party actually laid some groundwork on local, state, and federal levels to make a run for the Oval Office, but it seems to me like those people have a serious case of the Status Quo Flu. That’s a flu that infects you when you seem content with the status quo that I made up.

Jill Stein is anti privilege

Unlike that Hillary Clinton, who seems to think she should just be handed the White House after years of public service, Jill Stein knows privilege when she sees it. Hillary Clinton is just some rich chick from the rich neighborhood of Park Ridge, Illinois, who went to Yale. Well, no thank you — not my president! I’ll take the lady who was raised in a different rich neighborhood in Illinois and went to Harvard.

And if you think those seem similar, you’re not seeing the forest for the trees. Because after Hillary Clinton graduated, she was handed a lifelong career in politics. Stein has taken her road the hard way, including releasing four folk albums. She plays conga drums on all four.

Jill Stein is aware of Bernie Sanders

Do you guys remember Bernie Sanders? Jill Stein does. In fact, when she’s not tweeting petitions to get on the Daily Show (which is a brilliant thing I should have thought of instead of submitting a writer’s packet like a dummy) she’s tweeting about Bernie Sanders, or things related to him.

In fact, most of Jill’s slow burn roll out of her plans for our Future involved the name ‘Bernie Sanders.’ When she was nominated as the Green Party candidate, she said his name more than 14,000 times. I didn’t actually count, but it was there a lot, and I liked that, because I like Bernie Sanders. I don’t know what Bernie Sanders really has to do with a Jill Stein White House, but he’s a good man who didn’t deserve to be murdered in cold blood by Hillary Clinton and if Jill playing congas and invoking his name brings his soul back to this plane, I’m all for it.

Jill Stein demand things that sound totally awesome

Jill Stein wants to make a lot of cool things a reality, like forgiving all student debt, making colleges free, releasing non-violent drug offenders from prison, and more. She is literally the only person currently running who wants any of these things.

The difference between Stein and say, Obama, is that Obama barely got anything done. Did you see it when he tried to pass the Affordable Care Act? Talk about a Mr. Magoo! Forget about opposition, branch checks and balances and necessary compromises and just make all of the healthcare happen!

Jill Stein doesn’t play like that. She is just going to make these things happen, and most likely on the first day of her presidency.

How? Because she’s an outsider. And because she’s got my vote. Unless my cat shows an interest in politics, in which case it’s Stewart 2016 for the White House.

Joe Starr is a writer and comedian with an album called Heroic Effort on Bandcamp and a funny book about pro wrestling called Leg Drop at Devastator. Follow him on Twitter.

