INFP – Since all fiction novels seem to be written by INFPs for INFPs with the message that the person with the kindest heart wins, this type often assumes that they would champion the Hunger Games. In the real hunger games the INFP is first to get shot off their podium because they were daydreaming during the countdown and don’t notice that the games had actually started.

INTP – The INTP climbs up a tree and reverse-engineers the entire Hunger Games. He picks apart the system, analyzes each of its parts, figures out how to dismantle the entire force field and then gets high on some game arena ganja and forgets to follow through with his plan. That night he falls out of the tree he is sleeping in and land on his own weapon, dying quickly and relatively painlessly.

INFJ – The INFJ forms a quick alliance with the ISFP who is outraged by concept of the games. The two sneak off into the forest and make camp, where the INFJ takes the first watch of the night. When a cruel group of STs comes to prey on the two of them, the INFJ throws their body over the ISFP’s, pleading to be killed instead. The group complies – seeing the ISFP as no real threat anyway – and the INFJ happily dies as a martyr.

ESFP – The ESFP is the capitol’s sweetheart. Charming enough to receive bids and athletic enough to run away from potential predators, they survive for a few days in the wild. On day three they get hopelessly bored in their solitude and decide to eat some wild mushrooms that they hope will have psychedelic side effects. They do. The ESFP wanders into the lake, thinking it is made of ice cream, and subsequently drowns.

ENFJ – The ENFJ had formed alliances with half the participants prior to entering the hunger games, which quickly turns into a cult known as “District Fe.” Participants listen to inspirational speeches each morning about the power of sharing ones feelings and watch a beautiful romance unfold between their leader and the group ENTP. One morning when the camp wakes up to find the ENFJ dead in their tent and the ENTP nowhere to be seen. The Fe district dismantles quickly afterward, leaving only the ESFJ to remember their noble leader.

ENFP – The ENFP survives for a while at the hands of the ENTJ that they have formed an alliance with. After three weeks of prancing around the forest yelling excitedly about all the super-cool special effects of the arena, the ENTJ finally shoots the ENFP just to get them to shut up for five minutes.

ISTJ – The ISTJ survives for a while by posing as an ISFJ in District Fe. On day four they are found hiding behind a tree pledging allegiance to the capitol. They are swiftly shot by the ESTP who passes the death off as blasphemy but really just didn’t care to hear any more empowered speeches about the ISTJ’s willingness to die for their district.

ISFP – After waking up alone in the forest, the ISFP decides to peacefully protest the hunger games. They receive multiple bids from district 11 but eventually starve to death because the forest creatures were too cute to kill.

ESFJ – The ESFJ forms an alliance with the ESTJ, whom they trust to protect them. They hold up their end of the bargain by cooking meals out of forest berries and diligently maintaining the campsite. The ESTJ keeps up their part of the bargain by killing the ESFJ in their sleep.

ISFJ – After the downfall of District Fe, the ISFJ isn’t sure where to go. They hang out with their best ESTP friend for a while then realize that one of them is eventually going to have to betray the other and dies in a stress-induced heart attack.

ESTP – Though unquestionably charming and quick on their feet, the ESTP has trouble staying focused on the hunger games for more than ten minutes at a time. They are regularly distracted by the physical challenges presented in the arena and die trying to slack line across two mountain peaks with their GoPro.

INTJ – The INTJ escapes quickly from the limelight and stews in an underground lair for several weeks. They develop a complex plot to take down each of their opponents then get killed when a flash flood hits their lair. It is later revealed that the game makers created the flood intentionally because the INTJ’s reclusiveness made for bad TV.

ESTJ – Though celebrated for their practical leadership skills in the beginning, the ESTJ becomes a liability near the end of the games. The ENTP decides to deal with this matter by asking the ESTJ what everyone else in the Hunger Games did wrong. While the ESTJ wheels off a long-winded rant about the incompetency of the other constants, he is shot through the heart by the sneaky and unforgiving ISTP.

ENTP – Keenly aware that they are approaching victory, the ENTP grows confident in their ability to booby trap the remaining candidates. They construct an elaborate set-up, prepare themselves for victory, then step in the trap accidentally and die at their own hands.

ENTJ – Realizing that there are only two competitors left, the ENTJ becomes stressed about not having planned out their victory speech. While they are developing a strategy for the contestants they will mentor next season, the ISTP sneaks up behind them and shoots them unfailingly through the heart.

ISTP – Wins. Was there ever any question?