Age: Eight months.

Appearance: White elephant.

Don't you mean whizzy, state-of-the-art cable car masterminded by London mayor Boris Johnson and sponsored by the Emirates airline? I know exactly what I mean.

You are talking about the cable car across the River Thames in east London linking Greenwich Peninsula and the Royal Docks? Yes, that's the one.

Marvellous. I took Freddie and Jemima on it during the Olympics and they adored it. That may be the problem. It fitted perfectly with the boisterous mood of Jubolympics London and was getting up to 70,000 users a week, but numbers are now down to 16,000 and critics are starting to question its future.

Cynics! That's what Boris reckons. "They said the Victoria Line and the Docklands Light Railway would be empty. Give it time."

How long? At least until he's become PM.

Why are numbers falling? Boris blames strong winds, which have led to temporary closures. But that's just hot air. The real problem is it's a tourist attraction rather than the commuter service he originally trumpeted, and will only be viable in peak holiday seasons.

Where are the regular users? They barely exist. The number of commuters using it has been estimated at 16. It would have been cheaper to buy them a gold-plated mini-bus.

Is it losing money? An estimated £50,000 a week.

Somebody must find it useful. It's quite handy for anyone north of the river who wants to go to Tesco Express in Greenwich.

What's the solution? Move it.

Where? Switzerland.

You'd better supply a few basic facts to fill up the rest of the space. Cost £60m to build (more than double the original estimate); Emirates is providing £36m in sponsorship over 10 years; 1,150m long, 90m high, with 34 cabins capable of carrying 5,000 people an hour; fare £4.30 or £3.20 if you pay by Oyster; journey lasts five minutes.

Not to be confused with: The Humber Bridge – another pointless project built for spurious reasons connecting two places no one wants to go to.

Do say: "You get a wonderful view ...

Don't say: "... of the O2 car park."