Sidewalk Etiquette Edition:

Like the game Frogger? Well, sh*t. You are in luck. Move to New York City and you can play my-size Frogger every morning at around 9am and then you ALSO get to play around 6pm. It’s free and even more fun if it’s raining out!

Oh wait…no. It sucks.

This morning’s commute in particular really sealed the deal on this ranty rant I’m about to start. It all started off with a peaceful walk in my Brooklyn neighborhood…birds are chirping (taking small pieces of trash back to build their nests), people are watering their gardens (by gardens I mean the plant on their stoops), I’m enjoying the wide, open sidewalks at this point. After my easy 2-block walk, I descend into my teleportation device, also known as the NYC subway.

I sit down and instantly have 2 people sit on either side of me that weigh upwards of 300lbs and have decided that my outer thighs are lonely and need to be partially covered with their outer thighs. Good thing I love having people sit on my lap pre-coffee (forget moving, playing on my best friend iPhone, or breathing normally). So finally, I get to my stop, wriggle my way free of the human vice I had been locked in for the last 10 minutes and get out onto the soho sidewalk.

Instantly I was in a sea of people, pretty much just riding the wave of human bodies, hoping they get me to my appropriate destination of the office. I stopped in Dean and Deluca for an overpriced coffee break, and as I am walking out, I was smushed by a man reading his iPad ON THE FREAKING SIDEWALK WHILE WALKING, and my iced coffee turned into a liquid grenade and was launched across the street, but not before giving my hand a nice caffeine coating.

WTF PEOPLE. What is wrong with you?!

I think my dear city needs a little dose of tough love regarding sidewalk etiquette. Here we go:

-The Sidewalk is NOT a Library: Alright, I understand you are very into your Nora Roberts book and need to finish that last chapter, but seriously, you can’t be reading and walking. If we lived in Dayton, Ohio and you needed to get a couple more sentences in…you’d be fine. BUT we don’t live in Dayton, Ohio…we live in New York f*cking city and our asses need to get to work so we can be underpaid and overworked! Don’t you know this? Put the book down or haul your literary-loving ass into the coffee shop.

-The Sidewalk is NOT a Listening Party, an Office, or the Apple Store: Do you want to get your sh*t jacked? You are begging to get your gagets stolen when you are writing your first novel on your iPad, while listening to music on your iPod, and updating your resume with your pinky toe on your laptop (all while walking on the sidewalk). Let’s all take a deep breath and agree that we can disconnect JUST for 2 blocks. That that email CAN wait. Put your Taylor Swift playlist on and let’s all just move down the street at a normal pace while actually looking where we are going…k?

-Tourists: I love that you want to come to our fair city. It’s great. You bring in money to our local economy, you keep places like the M&M store in business, and you give me lots of material for this crappy blog, so thank you. BUT, please… when you need to use a map, look for directions on your phone, or want to stop and look at that very “unique” street art…MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY. We get that you are on vacay, congrats. But I still need to get my ass to happy hour to ease the pains of the day before $5 mojitos end at 7pm. Here’s a protip: find someone that looks a little jaded and is probably wearing something NOT from Talbots, and just ask them where to go. I guarantee they’ll be glad to help and you’ll save some frustration for the rest of us while we won’t have to wait for you to refold your life-size map of the Americas.

-Rain Delays: On a rainy day, the usually risky NYC sidewalk becomes a true war zone. There will be umbrellas inverting left and right. There will be bad umbrella users. There will be those of us who don’t check weather and will have Maguyvered a rain hat from a plastic duane reade bag and the AM New York. Don’t make it worse. Be aware of what’s going on…try to stab as few people as possible with your beach sized umbrella with a razor sharp tip, and whatever you do, keep moving.

If we can all do our little part, NYC will be a much happier place to walk :)

Walking Decently Since 1985, Chinae