instructor144:

I received an excellent PM from a Follower the other day:

“So I’ve seen you refer to some parts of D/s as ‘signifiers,’ and sometimes even as ‘merely signifiers.’ Can you explain what you mean? And why do you use such fancy words?”

OK, second question first. I use such fancy words because I am an insufferable, pretentious prat. No, seriously, I am. Anyone who knows me well can attest to that. Case in point: I just used the word “attest.”

But enough about me.

The first question is a really good one, and can give a lot of insight into what is “core” to D/s and what is not. So, I blame the undergraduate semiotics course I took back in my dissolute youth for getting the concepts “the signifier” and “the thing signified” wedged in my brain, where, it would appear, they have taken up permanent residence. In simple terms, a “signifier” is a thing that points beyond itself, to “the thing signified.” As a recovering Catholic, I’ll use a good example: the crucifix. It is a “signifier.” It points beyond itself, to “the thing signified”: Jesus’ cleansing and sanctifying death. A more mundane example: one of those “deer crossing” road signs that one sees all the time. The sign, with the silhouette of a deer, is the “signifier.” The “thing signified” is the message “Hey, all a y’all need to be careful because there’s a shitload a deer up in here!” With the terms defined, I’m sure the readers can now conjure up any number of examples from their own experience.

Now, what does all this pseudo-intellectual bullshit have to do with D/s? Well, it’s like this: D/s is riddled with signifiers that far too many people, especially those who are young and/or new to the life, confuse with the thing signified. Some examples:

The collar. The leash. The tasks. The rituals. The mantras. Kneeling. Training. The asking of permission. The granting of permission. Pantie approval, clothing approval, meal approval. Good morning greeting. Good night ritual. All of these are signifiers. They point beyond themselves, to deeper things. What are some of those deeper things?

Structure. Devotion. Respect. Intimacy. Consistency. Mutual commitment. Mutual possession. Mutual focus. The surrender of responsibility. The acceptance of responsibility. The acknowledgement and gratification of a mutual bone-deep need. And, above all else — Trust. Always.

Not very sexy list, is it? Well, see, that’s the little secret: despite the often mind-numbing barrage of gaping orifices and vapid facials that are the “public face” of D/s (Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) the heart of D/s isn’t “sexy” in the superficial sense. In most cases, the two people share an intense sexual heat, yes, but that’s not the “thing signified,” it is, rather, a happy side effect. The “lived experience” of a scene is one space — among many — where one can understand finally that the signifiers are not the heart of it, and one can feel the deep and resonant ecstasy of experiencing, feeling, and exploring — together — the things signified. The discerning reader will note that I did not include kink/scenes in either the “signifier” or the “thing signified” list. That’s because, in my view, kink is simply how people like us have sex. Nothing more. Lovely, intense, maddening, exhilarating sex, often with a delicious array of cunning accoutrements, but at the end of the day it’s just sex. For those new to the life, don’t make any more of it than what it is. Focus on the “things signified,” because those are the things that will make your dynamic grow, flourish, and if you are very, very lucky, last a long time.