Ep. Title Air/Pub'l Grade Author

20-14

Recap Boring is the New Black Finale Part II: The Girl or Girl Who Becomes America’s Next Top Model - The season ends in the dullest of all possible ways, and we don't even get to see Renee gnash her teeth about it. 11.15.2013

11.21.2013 B- Potes

20-13

Recap Booch Blew Finale Part I: The Finalists Shoot Their Guess Campaign - Eliminated contestants return and Guess ads are shot! And we learn that the final three will be whittled down to a final two. 11.10.2013

11.13.2013 B Potes

20-12

Recap Everybody Hates Chris The Guy Who Becomes a Bat - The whole episode basically is a chronicle of why all of the other models think Chris is the worst. In between there are a few medical emergencies, and also bats. 11.03.2013

11.06.2013 B Potes

20-11

Recap Bali Chooses Two The Girl Who Gets Kissed on an Elephant - Elephant rides! Chris hate! Double elimination! 10.18.2013

10.21.2013 B+ Potes

20-10

Recap Bali Wanna Cracker? The Guy Who Has a Panic Attack - The models head to Bali, where underwater runways, animal co-stars, and panic attacks await! 10.11.2013

10.17.2013 B+ Potes

20-9

Recap Flawsome Heart The Girl Who Gets Punked - There's a fight about dirty dishes, and Alexandra's heart can't handle the heat. 10.04.2013

10.10.2013 B- Potes

20-Extra

Recap I've Seen MacGyver a Lot The Guys and Girls Get Flirty - We get the top ten flirty moments of the season and also lots of bonus footage of Phil, America's Next Top Genius. 09.27.2013

10.01.2013 B Potes

20-8

Recap The Returns The Girl Whose Walk Is TOO Good - Jourdan has her first real taste of failure in the competition, and one…or more…of the eliminated models gets to return. 09.20.2013

09.23.2013 B+ Potes

20-7

Recap Paint It Wack The Guy Who Cries - Fatigued with annoying everyone else in the house, Marvin and Chris set their sights upon one another. 09.13.2013

09.18.2013 B Potes

20-6

Recap Send in the Clowns The Girl Who’s Scared of Clowns - While some contestants are distracted by romantic feelings, Kanani struggles with PTCD (post traumatic clown disorder). 09.06.2013

09.11.2013 B+ Potes

20-5

Recap Questionable The Guy Who Gets to Kiss the Girl - A cross-dressing commercial shoot ends in smoochy-smoochies, and Jourdan's personality is compared to a toenail clipping. 09.01.2013

09.03.2013 A- Potes

20-4

Recap Achilles Ankle The Girl Who Went Around in Circles - Once upon a time, Nina wore really stupid shoes and now she lives in fear of a turntable runway. Also: trailer park photo shoot! 08.25.2013

08.27.2013 B Potes

20-3

Recap Philsus Christ Superstar The Guy Who Gets a Weave - The models have a fetish photo shoot, and then Phil gets made over to look like Jesus. 08.16.2013

08.20.2013 A Potes

20-2

Recap Wack Wedding The Girl Who Gets Married Again - Despite hopeful previews, no models actually plummet to their deaths. Mike is as upset about it as we are, and gets really wasted to the delight of confessional cameras everywhere. 08.09.2013

08.14.2013 B+ Potes

20-1.1

Recap On the Virgg Meet the Guys and Girls of Cycle 20 – Part 2 - Tyra and the judges whittle down the finalists from 26 to 16, and the cock-puncher totally makes it through. Meanwhile, Virgg has a tough decision, made even tougher by the excess of hormones in her body. 08.02.2013

08.07.2013 B+ Potes

20-1

Recap X Why? Meet the Guys and Girls of Cycle 20 – Part 1 - Are you ready for the first ever Guys and Girls Top Model, Tyra asks? NO. The answer is definitively no. 08.02.2013

08.06.2013 B+ Potes

19-Extra

Recap Clip It Good The Girl with the Best Top Model Freakout - It's the Top Model clip show! With never before seen footage of Victoria refusing to have a threesome with her brother. 11.20.2012

11.21.2012 A- Potes

19-2

Recap Ghost Brides: Asylum The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model - "...Now their spirit bodies must take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes." 11.16.2012

11.19.2012 B+ Potes

19-11

Recap War Horse The Girl Who Freaks Out on Horseback - Leila's half-founded fear of the animal kingdom continues, and Kiara has a very good week. 11.09.2012

11.14.2012 B+ Potes

19-10

Recap Flipping Out The Girl Who Becomes Art for Tyra - The models have a water-based week, posing with dolphins in swimwear by designer Celdella Marley, and on a waterfall with photographer Tyra Banks. In other news, Kristin's stankness runneth over. 11.03.2012

11.07.2012 A- Potes

19-9

Recap Dance Hall Days The Girls Go to Jamaica - We finally learn which of the eliminated girls gets to return, then head to Jamaica, where dancehall routines and hot river raft guides await for both the toochers and the smizers! 10.26.2012

10.31.2012 B+ Potes

19-8

Recap Concrete and Barbed Wire The Girl Who Comes Back - The models head out on go-sees, and then are sent to prison for smize-related offenses. Meanwhile, Victoria continues her streak of spicing up photo shoots with her fantastic yet puzzling character acting. 10.19.2012

10.22.2012 B+ Potes

19-7

Recap Y Kant Tori Eat The Girl Who Licks the Floor - The models have a marathon day of grunge, and Victoria goes her seventh consecutive week without eating. 10.05.2012

10.08.2012 B+ Potes

19-6

Recap Things that Make You Go Pwn The Girl Who Gets Pwn'd - It's all video game pwns and steampunk owls as the girls embark upon an episode bound to confuse a lot of people. Thank goodness we have Victoria's country cooking to help us recover. 09.29.2012

10.01.2012 B+ Potes

19-5

Recap Bring It On The Girl Who Sings for Alicia Keys - The girls walk in a runway show for Alicia Keys and her charity, and a cheerleading shoot does not leave everyone with spirit fingers. 09.22.2012

09.26.2012 B+ Potes

19-4

Recap Destiny's Trial The Girl Who Does What Tyler Perry Says - Tyler Perry shows up to facilitate outlandish idiocy in an acting challenge, and Kristin continues to get on everyone's damn nerves. Meanwhile, though it didn't seem possible, Destiny gets even sadder. 09.14.2012

09.19.2012 B- Potes

19-3

Recap Make D'oh-ver The Girl Who Wants Out - It's the OPTIONAL makeover episode! Which means that you have the option of taking your makeover with some ovaries, or getting a talking-to by Tyra and Kelly. Also, shut up, Maria. 09.07.2012

09.11.2012 B- Potes

19-2

Recap As If Your Soul is Gone The Girl Who Cries Home - The models have to pose like dead animals, and Victoria does not disappoint in the crazypants department. 09.02.2012

09.05.2012 C+ Potes

19-1

Recap College Knowledge The Girl Who Makes The Grade - Tyra cares so much about education that she had thirteen girls drop out of college, grad school, and cosmetology school to compete on the most irrelevant cycle of this show yet! 08.24.2012

08.27.2012 B+ Potes

18-12

Recap All Hail the Queen Season Finale - Sophie and Laura stomp to the death in a Forever 21 runway show involving holograms. It is a feat of stupidity only outmatched by the fact that Cover Girl now has a product called "flipstick." 05.30.2012

06.04.2012 B- Potes

18-Extra

Recap Intercultural Intermission Highlights - Before the epic and culturally significant battle of Sophie and Laura, we take a look back at the British invasion that was. 05.23.2012

05.29.2012 B Potes

18-11

Recap Messes in a Bottle Jez Smith - There are yet more go-sees, and two-thirds of the final three fall apart when forced to pose inside a giant perfume bottle. 05.16.2012

05.22.2012 B+ Potes

18-10

Recap Wuthering Heights Nicholas Tse - With the spirit of yet another aspiring model crushed, Tyra Banks smizes into the mirror and congratulates herself on a job well done. 05.09.2012

05.14.2012 A- Potes

18-9

Recap Smooth as Silkworms Barney Cheng - The models head to Macau, where they are adorned with smizing silkworms, and the Brits' winning streak finally comes to an end. 05.02.2012

05.07.2012 B+ Potes

18-8

Recap Hello Pretty Georgina Chapman - The models walk in front of some legit fashion people, and don Hello Kitty couture for their photo shoot. 04.25.2012

04.30.2012 B+ Potes

18-7

Recap It Gets Worse Estelle - The show starts off on a high as the models work with young girls as part of Tyra's anti-bullying campaign, but quickly sinks as we continue to explore the art of the tooch. 04.18.2012

04.23.2012 B+ Potes

18-6

Recap Spice Up Your Tooch Jessica Sutta and Nadine Coyle - It's music video time, which means you're going to hear the word "tooch" a lot. 04.11.2012

04.17.2012 B- Potes

18-5

Recap Blame Canada Beverly Johnson - The girls go to Canada, and don't even get dangled from the CN Tower for our viewing pleasure. 03.28.2012

04.03.2012 B Potes

18-4

Recap Consumer Retorts J. Alexander - Everyone gangs up on Kyle with relatively little provocation, and she goes on and on about wanting to leave the competition. Meanwhile, if your boyfriend is into sniffing your butt, ANTM has just the product for you. 03.21.2012

03.27.2012 B- Potes

18-3

Recap Skip to My Lou Cat Deeley - Like so many flies in the buttermilk, Louise shoos herself right out of the competition. Meanwhile, Tyra takes pains to remind us that Modelland exists, and that she now has a degree from Harvard. 03.14.2012

03.20.2012 B+ Potes

18-2

Recap Enter the Haggis Kris Jenner - And by haggis we mean Kris Jenner. Also, the show continues its tradition of empowering young women by making them eat disgusting food and dressing them as toddlers. 03.07.2012

03.12.2012 B- Potes

18-1

Recap Downton Shabby Kelly Osbourne - Tyra pits Brits versus Americans for the Cycle's 18th season. It's like the Revolutionary War, but bonier. 02.29.2012

03.05.2012 B Potes

17-12

Recap Greek Tragedy All-Star Finale - Free Angelea! Free Angelea! 12.07.2011

12.12.2011 B+ Potes

17-11

Recap Booch Your Tookie Tyson Beckford - The girls film a really long and tedious commercial for Tyra's book, and hearts everywhere are broken at a very difficult panel. 11.30.2011

12.06.2011 B+ Potes

17-Extra

Recap Leftover Ladies Season 17, Highlights - It's the highlights episode! We recap the season, and learn that Top Model is truly the brain of all history. 11.23.2011

11.28.2011 B+ Potes

17-10

Recap Hating Ass Bitches Exploring Greece - Angelea speaks the truth about how bitches are bitches, all the while trying to remember the words "shot put." 11.16.2011

11.21.2011 B+ Potes

17-9

Recap Work Your Salad Nikos Papadopoulos - The models go to Greece and pose in a giant bowl of Greek salad. Yes, we just said "in a giant bowl of Greek salad." 11.09.2011

11.14.2011 A+ Potes

17-8

Recap I Be Like Ugh Game - The ladies each write, record, and star in a video for an original song, and Tyra does everything in her power to make sure that the outcomes are horrific. 11.02.2011

11.07.2011 A Potes

17-7

Recap Lipstick on a Pigford Kathy Griffin - Proving that the bottom of the barrel is always deeper than you had anticipated, the girls portray Snooki and NeNe Leakes in this week's photo shoot. There are also signature fragrances, Pigford, Kathy Griffin and a double elimination! 10.26.2011

10.31.2011 A- Potes

17-6

Recap Fight Flub Coco Rocha - The girls get out their aggression on the flag football field in a tackling/posing challenge, and in a girlfight-themed photo shoot with super-legit model Coco Rocha. 10.19.2011

10.24.2011 B+ Potes

17-5

Recap Mind Your Business, All the Time LaToya Jackson - Bianca is mad as hell, and she's not going to take it anymore! Especially from crying Christians. Meanwhile, there are Kardashians and LATOYA!!!! 10.12.2011

10.18.2011 B+ Potes

17-4

Recap Express Yourself Anthony Zuiker - The girls audition for a small part on CSI, then try to make the most of hideous clothes from Express. Kayla goes to the ER, and we are introduced to Lisa's identical cousin, the Excuse Monster. 10.06.2011

10.10.2011 A- Potes

17-3

Recap Tooched by an Angel Kristin Cavallari - Allison has an exceptionally great week talking to Mario Lopez and posing on stilts, and we learn that Angelea once worked at a bank. 09.28.2011

10.04.2011 A- Potes

17-2

Recap By the Short Hairs Ashlee Simpson - It's the makeover -- er, excuse us, TY-over -- episode! Bre freaks out about her hair, and Lisa proves that she's a very successful masticator. 09.21.2011

09.26.2011 A- Potes

17-1

Recap They're Baaaaaack Nicki Minaj - Have you been wondering what Lisa D'Amato's been doing all these years? No? Well, too bad, because Tyra Banks is going to force you to find out. 09.14.2011

09.19.2011 A- Potes

16-13

Recap The Winner Takes It All! Season Finale - And the loser is standing small, with a really unfortunate new haircut. 05.18.2011

05.24.2011 A- Potes

16-12

Recap And Then There Were Two Ivan Bart - There are tears on and off set as the girls compete for a spot in the finale. 05.11.2011

05.17.2011 B+ Potes

16-11

Recap The Brains of the Operation Daniella Issa Helayel - The girls meet with Franca Sozzani, balance tea trays on their head, and try a sample-sized portion of goat brains. 05.04.2011

05.09.2011 B+ Potes

16-10

Recap Camel Toe Franca Sozzani - The girls head to Morocco and play around with camels in the desert. Sadly, a monkey does not bite Alexandria. 04.27.2011

05.03.2011 B+ Potes

16-9

Recap Clip Me Deadly Highlights and Catfights - Tyra and co recap the first eight episodes of the season while throwing in plenty of new footage, in which we learn that Jaclyn's unsullied lady bits make Hannah's magic pendulum go wild. 04.25.2011

04.26.2011 B+ Potes

16-8

Recap Splendor in the Trash Lana Marks - The girls head out on go-sees, and then are forced to find fashion among the ruins in a landmark landfill shoot. 04.13.2011

04.19.2011 B+ Potes

16-7

Recap Woman Warriors Eric Daman - The girls pose for a Warriors in Pink photo and then get a little crazy in the shadow of the Bates Motel. Meanwhile, Brittani gets trailer park on Alexandria's ass at exactly the wrong time. 04.06.2011

04.12.2011 B+ Potes

16-6

Recap Sticks in the Mud Sonia Dara - The girls learn a lesson about interacting with adoring and creepy fans, and are covered in mud for a group photo shoot that pits brunettes against blondes. 03.30.2011

04.05.2011 B+ Potes

16-5

Recap Hellcats Rachel Zoe - The girls go animalistic in faux fur by Rachel Zoe while posing with a jaguar cub. In other news, Alexandria continues to annoy the snot out of just about everyone. 03.23.2011

03.29.2011 B+ Potes

16-4

Recap Stop, Smize and Roll Francesco Carrozzini S16 - The girls have to deal with fiery runways, cheesy commercial dialogue and Alexandria. 03.16.2011

03.22.2011 B+ Potes

16-3

Recap Hair Apparent Lori Goldstein - It's makeover day! There's comparatively little excitement, though Brittani gets a killer Louise Brooks bob and Molly gets the weave from hell. The girls work in pairs for a couture photo shoot with stylist Lori Goldstein, and things don't go so well for Sara and Dominique. 03.09.2011

03.10.2011 B+ Potes

16-2

Recap Bee-utiful Alek Wek - The girls have to draw their inner critics and then yell at them a bunch, and co-star in a photo shoot with real live bees. All this and an argument about raw chicken! 03.02.2011

03.08.2011 B+ Potes

16-1

Recap Life's a Ball Erin Wasson - After a truncated casting week, the final fourteen girls are subjected to walking the runway in a hamster ball. At judging, we are subjected to Nigel comparing a model's mouth to a cat's bottom. And, per usual, the pretty, bland one is the first to go home. 02.23.2011

02.24.2011 A- Potes

15-13

Recap Magic Ann Roberto Cavalli - In the end, you really kind of have to go with the model that Versace would book. 12.01.2010

12.07.2010 A Potes

15-12

Recap Recap Recap High Fashion Highlights - On the eve of the Cycle 15 finale, we take a look back at the season so far, this time with 100% more Myrtle. 11.24.2010

11.30.2010 A Potes

15-11

Recap Model Madness! Franca Sozzani - The girls meet with Vogue Italia editor-in-chief Franca Sozzani before learning that two of them will be eliminated. Tyra makes her directorial debut as she shouts the girls through a motion editorial, and we learn that Chelsey and Ann will face off in the finals. 11.17.2010

11.22.2010 A Potes

15-10

Recap Go-and-Sees Kyle Hagler - The girls take on go-and-sees in Milan, and have a hard time finding anything. Kayla tears it up in a statue-themed photo shoot, while Chris' time has finally come. 11.10.2010

11.15.2010 A- Potes

15-9

Recap Missoni Accomplished Margherita Missoni - The girls head to Italy, and the Top Model team does everything it can to ensure that someone passes out from heatstroke. 11.03.2010

11.08.2010 A- Potes

15-8

Recap Roll with the Punches Zac Posen - The girls walk in a Zac Posen show with some professionally mean models. Ann's meltdown starts here, but doesn't really take full effect until a commercial shoot for the fictional H2T water that involves roller skates. 10.27.2010

11.02.2010 A- Potes

15-7

Recap Designer Imposters Francesco Carrozzini - The girls dress up as iconic fashion designers, and dress each other in a challenge to become a Grammy girl. 10.20.2010

10.26.2010 B+ Potes

15-6

Recap Rodeo Girls Patrick Demarchelier - The girls run the gamut of fashion, from Walmart to Rodeo Drive. 10.13.2010

10.19.2010 A- Potes

15-5

Recap Who Was That Masked Man? Karolina Kurkova - The girls have a runway show in a tunnel with conveyor belts, then enter into the glamorous world of Mexican masked wrestling! Everyone continues to hate Kacey, though she gets the last laugh as Lexie is booted. Also, Karolina Kurkova explains the concept of smoothies. 10.06.2010

10.12.2010 B+ Potes

15-4

Recap Roller Girls Matthew Rolston - The girls pose on a roller coaster and then snuggle up with slimy sea creatures for a photo shoot with Matthew Rolston. 09.29.2010

10.05.2010 A- Potes

15-3

Recap Calling All Angels Patricia Field - The girls get makeovers, Terra is felled by her own complaints and a surprise mid-episode elimination, and an angel-themed photo shoot brings out hellish suckitude on the part of the majority of the girls. Patricia Field guest stars! 09.22.2010

09.28.2010 B+ Potes

15-2

Recap Anamarexia Diane von Furstenberg - The girls settle in to Venice Beach, then head off to a mid-air runway show and a photo shoot that addresses the issue of bullying. In other news, Anamaria appears to have an eating disorder, Kayla is a lesbian, and someone had the ingenuity to call Terra a soup cooler. 09.15.2010

09.21.2010 B Potes

15-1

Recap The 15th Time's the Charm Welcome to High Fashion - We whittle our way down to fourteen finalists, one of whom will win an Italian Vogue shoot. 09.08.2010

09.13.2010 A Potes

14-12

Recap Your Clip Is on My List Chubby Bunny - Clip episode! Featuring never-before-seen stank and the girl who thought Hawaii was a continent. 05.19.2010

05.25.2010 A- Potes

14-11

Recap Krista Almighty America's Next Top Model Is… - Krista and Raina film a Cover Girl commercial and stomp to the death in an Anna Sui fashion show! Krista continues her winning streak, and proves that the twelfth time is indeed the charm. 05.12.2010

05.18.2010 A- Potes

14-10

Recap Ugly Americans Ugly-Pretty Woman - The girls have a runway challenge at 35,000 feet and a pretty-ugly photo shoot before two of them are eliminated en route to the finale. 05.12.2010

05.18.2010 A- Potes

14-9

Recap Kicking the Hobbit Hobbits Vs. Models - The girls head to Hobbiton and pose in wee doorways, then Tyra shoots them through a tablecloth. 05.05.2010

05.11.2010 A- Potes

14-8

Recap Hide and Go Sheep Welcome to New Zealand - The girls head to New Zealand, where they must endure go-sees after their 22-hour flight from the States. A photo shoot with sheep energizes Alex and Krista, but Alasia and Jessica are sent to pasture for their wooly performances. 04.28.2010

05.04.2010 A- Potes

14-7

Recap Hair Apparent Big Hair Day - There's less drama this week, but plenty of Pat Cleveland, Whitney Port, drag queens, and dresses made of hair and glue. 04.21.2010

04.26.2010 B+ Potes

14-6

Recap A House Divided New York Women - The girls are at each others' throats for nearly the whole episode, which I guess is what happens when you live in Dreckhalla, and the CW shills for Cover Girl and Tinsley Mortimer. 04.14.2010

04.20.2010 A- Potes

14-5

Recap Smile and Pose Smile and Pose - While Anslee inches ever closer to a nervous breakdown, Tatianna proves that a love of bodily functions doesn't necessarily make a person a good model. Also, Angelea does her Hammer Dance and flashes New York her cooch. 04.07.2010

04.13.2010 B+ Potes

14-4

Recap Suckitude America's Next Top Vampire - The girls learn the value of improvisation, then wind up blind and bloodied for a vampire-themed photo shoot. 03.31.2010

04.06.2010 A- Potes

14-3

Recap Let's Dance Let's Dance - This week we have fashion trivia, Toccara, a shoot inspired by dance, and Ren's mommy issues. 03.24.2010

03.30.2010 A- Potes

14-2

Recap Timing Is Everything Dreckitude! - Someone gets knocked off the runway by a giant swinging pendulum. What else do you need to know? 03.17.2010

03.23.2010 A+ Potes

14-1

Recap Sexy Blanket Be My Friend, Tyra! - The highlight of the premiere episode comes from a commercial featuring Cycle 13's Laura. Yep, it's going to be that kind of a season. 03.10.2010

03.16.2010 A- Potes

13-12

Recap Clips and Dips Cycle 13: Revealed - The Top Model house was filthier than we thought, and Brittany is possessed by demons! 11.23.2009

11.24.2009 A- Potes

13-11

Recap The Year of the Bloody Eyeball America's Next Top Model Is… - Nicole and Laura stomp and smize it to the death! There can be only one winner, and it is she whose bloody eyeball can sell lots of mascara. 11.18.2009

11.24.2009 B+ Potes

13-10

Recap Double Trouble Hawaiian Hip Hop - The girls are forced to dance, then channel some wrathful goddess mojo for their photo shoot. There's a double elimination, and half of it is actually kind of a surprise. 11.11.2009

11.17.2009 B+ Potes

13-9

Recap Dive Bomb Dive Deeper - The girls continue their Hawaiian adventure by jumping off a cliff and deep diving for their photo shoot. Sadly, all five survive. 11.04.2009

11.10.2009 B Potes

13-8

Recap Blue Hawaii Let's Go Surfing - The girls go surfing in Hawaii, but some of the girls wipeout when they have to go don blackface. 10.28.2009

11.04.2009 C- Potes

13-7

Recap Girls on Film Interview 101 - It's time for the girls to talk in a professional context, which can only lead to doom. Jennifer shines in a Cover Girl commercial, while Erin has a total meltdown and still isn't sent home. Also, Laura is dyslexic! 10.21.2009

10.27.2009 B+ Potes

13-6

Recap Crouching Tyra, Hidden Drag Queen Petite Ninja Warriors - The girls make their way around Los Angeles for go-sees, and take to the air for a ninja warrior inspired photo shoot. And the prize on both goes to the girl with the social graces of a fetus. 10.14.2009

10.20.2009 B+ Potes

13-5

Recap Cirque du So Lame Dance With Me - This week is all about group work, as the models express their emotions through dance and pose with mysterious Cirque du Soleil creatures. The big winner for the week? The giant tie-dye snail, of course. 10.07.2009

10.13.2009 B Potes

13-4

Recap Model Through the Mishap! Take My Photo, Tyra! - And by "mishap," we mean this season. Sam Fine gives makeup tips, Tyra takes photos, boredom ensues. 09.30.2009

10.06.2009 B- Potes

13-3

Recap Tall Tales Make Me Tall - The girls stomp the runway and try to stretch themselves in photos. Meanwhile, Lulu and Ashley talk copious smack about Bianca and Brittany in particular, and karma takes note. 09.23.2009

09.29.2009 B Potes

13-2

Recap Super Smize Me Fortress of Fierceness - So, it was funny for a while, but now we might actually have to start being concerned about Tyra's mental well-being. Smize! 09.16.2009

09.22.2009 A Potes

13-1

Recap What It Do, Shorty? How Short Can You Go; The Early Bird Gets a Makeover - The key to making short models fashion industry-friendly? Put them in really high heels. Teeny ladies, big attitudes and bloody eyeballs abound in Cycle 13's two-hour premiere extravaganza! 09.09.2009

09.15.2009 A- Potes

12-11

Recap Teyona Time The Winner Is Chosen - Bust out the motor oil! Teyona has come to take her crown. 05.13.2009

05.18.2009 A- Potes

12-10

Recap Leaving the Nest Take Me to the Jungle - The girls have to pretend to be birds, and Tyra tries to shove them back into the nest for their photo shoot. 05.06.2009

05.12.2009 A- Potes

12-9

Recap Let's Go See the City Let's Go See the City - The girls make their way through Sao Paulo on go-sees, and Teyona continues her streak of all-around awesomeness. For the week's photo shoot, the girls must don teeny tiny bikinis and pose amidst a crowd of beachgoing extras. Though Celia is unimpressive, it's a bad week for short stacks as Fo is given the boot. 04.29.2009

05.05.2009 B+ Potes

12-8

Recap Fruits of Laboriousness The Amazing Model Race - Top Model gets fruitier than ever with a Carmen Miranda themed photo shoot in Brazil! Aminat continues her trend of not being very good, but it's bratty Natalie who gets a pointed stiletto boot in the butt from Tyra. 04.22.2009

04.28.2009 A- Potes

12-7

Recap London Bridge Is Fattening Up Take Me to the Photo Shoot - The girls try being Jay Manuel for a day, and no self-tanner is even involved! Madness. They then have a photo shoot with Ciara, and while Teyona continues to excel it's a porky London who's given the boot just in time to save her from the pain of wearing a Brazilian bikini abroad. 04.15.2009

04.21.2009 B+ Potes

12-6

Recap Clay Acting Acting Like a Model - And just when you thought Top Model couldn't get any weirder, Clay Aiken is in the house. The rest is irrelevant. 04.08.2009

04.14.2009 A Potes

12-5

Recap Celia, You're Breaking My Heart Here's Your Test - Bust out the colored face paint! It's time for Celia to learn her lesson. Meanwhile, it's bedlam in the house and the girls have a lesson on making facial expressions with Beth O. 04.01.2009

04.06.2009 A- Potes

12-4

Recap What Are You, an Immigrant? Put Your Best Face Forward - Toccara and Benny Ninja and immigrants, oh my! And Celia hasn't yet learned that Tyra likes her models seen and unheard. 03.25.2009

03.31.2009 A- Potes

12-3

Recap Bus-ted New York's Finest - The girls have a runway lesson with Miss J., and put their learning to use as they walk in a Jill Stuart show. Natalie bests the others despite her predilection for stupid, attention-getting stunts. The photo shoot for the week involves a bus, several locations in Manhattan, and cracked-out styling, and in the end it's another bad week for pretty girls. 03.18.2009

03.24.2009 B Potes

12-2

Recap Blinded by the Light Do You Light the Way I Look? - This week the models get to be makeup counter girls and lighting technicians, and in the process forget how to be models. 03.11.2009

03.16.2009 A- Potes

12-1

Recap Goddesses and Monsters What Happens in Vegas/Fun and Games - It’s a double dose of Top Model! We learn that Tyra’s coined the phrase “out of control” to describe today’s teens; that having seizures is only interesting if you are interesting, too; that being in a modeling competition can be hard on your self-esteem; and that hell on earth does exist, and it’s known as Buffalo. 03.04.2009

03.10.2009 A Potes

11-11

Recap Easy, McKeyzy, Beautiful America's Next Top Model Is… - After Analeigh is sent home pretty much for poor memorization skills (and not being linebackerish enough), McKey and Sam lurch once around Mr. Jay's fantabulous Catwalk of Doom and McKey picks all of the judges up with one arm when she's declared the winner. 11.19.2008

11.25.2008 A- Potes

11-10

Recap The Windmills of Your Mind Good Times and Windmills - The girls learn some tricks for wordlessly shilling product from Paulina, then have to put their acting skills to the test and kiss a male supermodel in the process. Marjorie displays her newfound joie de vivre with a night of wine and boys, but at panel can't find the happy medium between jittery mess and boring dullard. 11.12.2008

11.13.2008 A- Potes

11-9

Recap Shoot To Kill The Final Five - With only a few episodes remaining, the judges finally realize that Elina is not, in fact, Angelina Jolie and is actually: A. only 18 years old but looks 30, B. sporting too many tattoos to be a runway model, and C. stiff as a motherlovin' board. 11.05.2008

11.11.2008 A- Potes

11-8

Recap 5 A.M. in Amsterdam Planes, Trains and Slow Automobiles - The girls arrive in Amsterdam and are immediately sent on a hunt for their house. Happily, it features a bathtub that is ripe for lesbian hijinx. After a brothel-adjacent challenge in the red light district the girls pose on a ship at sea. Sadly, no one falls overboard. 10.29.2008

11.04.2008 A- Potes

11-7

Recap European Disunion Now You See Me, Now You Don't - Apparently, being European is a huge obstacle to becoming a model... or, at least to becoming a normal human being. Just kidding, Europe -- Elina and Marjorie are simply insane. 09.24.2020

10.28.2008 B+ Potes

11-7

Recap Pixie Dust In The Wind Top Model Confidential - Clip show! Clip show! Find out whose hair got burned off during the makeovers, who Elina believes looks like a dragon, and who liked to use a little-known controlled substance known as Alaska Pixie Dust. 10.15.2008

10.21.2008 B Potes

11-6

Recap The Cheese Stands Alone The Fiercee Awards - After getting one-on-one critiques with Tyra, who loves nothing more than hunched backs and cultural dances, the girls enact embarrassing moments at the Fiercee Awards for the week’s photo shoot. In the end, we witness the age-old battle between model looks and personality. It would seem intuitive for a modeling show to land on the side of the former, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. 10.08.2008

10.14.2008 B+ Potes

11-5

Recap Beautiful Disaster Natural Beauty - The girls learn how to work disastrous clothes and disastrous disasters this week, with mixed results. Marjorie twitches her way to the middle in what we now know is typically dour European fashion, while Clark and Joslyn blow like so many Santa Ana winds. 10.01.2008

10.07.2008 B+ Potes

11-4

Recap Looking Through the Fierce Eyes of Love Fierce Eyes - Analeigh finally has a good week, which is cause for celebration all around. Meanwhile, Isis stresses about a photo shoot involving nude undergarments and a pool, and Hannah has some beans to pick up. 09.24.2008

10.01.2008 A- Potes

11-3

Recap Pretty Vacant You're Beautiful, Now Change - It's makeover time! Elina gets a Carrot Top weave, and it actually suits her mom-hating self really well. Meanwhile, Brittany deals with the curse of being born pretty, and Isis gets out the heavy-duty, double-stick tape for a swimsuit photo shoot. 09.17.2008

09.23.2008 B+ Potes

11-2

Recap Honk If You Love Honkies! The Ladder of Model Success - Hannah argues that, in Alaska (TM Sarah Palin), only the people out-white the pure, driven snow. The girls of color in the house don’t so much enjoy her allegedly potentially racist ways. Meanwhile, Isis’ style-impairment, Sheena’s silicone, and Nikeysha’s big mouth get them into some trouble at judging. 09.10.2008

09.15.2008 A- Potes

11-1 B

Recap Model Citizens Top Model Inauguration - The final fourteen settle in at their new home, take a trip to a Magic Castle, and work to convince us that voting is sexy. Clark proves herself to be not only hateful but an idiot, McKey is kind of awesome, and Isis gets to experience the joys of a well-appointed bikini top. 09.03.2008

09.09.2008 B+ Potes

11-1 A

Recap Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot! The Notorious Fierce Fourteen - So, yes, the rumors are true, and the Glaminator 11.0 does in fact make its debut appearance in Top Model's season premiere. We go from 33 semi-finalists to our final 14, and in the process get to know the radical bisexual vegan, three Brittanys, a Frenchie on the verge of a nervous breakdown, Kimora 2.0, the girl who has auditioned over 30 times, and, of course, Isis. 09.03.2008

09.08.2008 B+ Potes

10-13

Recap My Heart Belongs to Fatty And the Winner Is… - Three become one as Tyra and Co. pare down the remaining contestants via the annual Cover Girl ad and an actual, honest-to-God fashion show. In your skinny bitches’ faces! 05.14.2008

05.20.2008 B+ Potes

10-12

Recap Just Shoot Me Ready For My Close Up - This week is all about photography as the girls take a spin behind the lens in their challenge, and appear surprised by the paparazzi in their shoot. In the end, we all learn that super-sized self confidence can't overcome a busted face as Dominique is finally sent packing. 05.07.2008

05.13.2008 B+ Potes

10-11

Recap Are You Not Entertained? We Are Spartans! - The girls do it up gladiator style with a lesson in fighting with elegance, and then head to a castle for a photo shoot with the up and coming photographer for our time: Miss Tyra Banks. 04.30.2008

05.05.2008 A- Potes

10-10

Recap The Sistine Crappel Viva Italia - It's time for the annual commercial in a foreign language! This time, the girls shill for the Cover Girl Queen Collection. Fatima does a bang-up job despite being sick, while Dominique is so bad she's good. It's fake Whitney and Frankenstein Lauren in the bottom two, and sadly a punk rock girl will not be taking home the title this year. 04.23.2008

04.29.2008 B+ Potes

10-9

Recap The Unfriendly Skies For Those About to Walk, We Salute You - Lauren slices off a bit of her thumb, but manages to put her painkillers to best advantage as she impresses in the challenge and photo shoot. Meanwhile, Fatima struggles to acquire necessary travel documents and has to go photo-less before panel. 04.16.2008

04.22.2008 A- Potes

10-8

Recap Top Model 10 Confidential Top Model 10 Confidential - It's the annual clip show! We fondly recall Cycle 10 contestants past, and gain even more of an appreciation for the model known as "Magic Hands." 04.09.2008

04.15.2008 B+ Potes

10-7

Recap If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere - The girls do some going and some seeing before embarking on a photo shoot that makes them look like big squashed fairies slash bugs. It proves not to be the best look for Claire, and she is sent home. But not before almost breaking her neck! 04.02.2008

04.08.2008 A- Potes

10-6

Recap Here Comes The Pain Again House of Pain - Tyra teaches the girls to work their shit like they have a broken ankle if they ever run out of posing ideas. Meanwhile, tensions flare between Dominique and pretty much everybody, and Claire and Aimee have a difficult time finding the beat in a musical photo shoot. 03.25.2008

04.01.2008 B+ Potes

10-5

Recap Top Model Takes It to the Streets Top Model Takes It to the Streets - This week is all about posing, as the girls take lessons from drag queens and elder statesmen supermodels. Though potentially racist Whitney gives a disappointing performance overall, it's Marvita who can't shake the ghetto of her mind and is sent packing. 03.18.2008

03.25.2008 A+ Potes

10-4

Recap Slaughterhouse Jive Where's The Beef? - Aimee thinks that she's seen the worst of it when she gets into a fight with the other girls over the shower. Little does she know the beef drawers that lie ahead. Lauren continues to struggle with her runway walk, but in the end it's Amis who is just too weird to stay in the competition any longer. 03.11.2008

03.18.2008 B+ Potes

10-3

Recap We Know This World Is Killing You Top Model Makeovers - Makeovers! There's some good, some bad, and some horse mane. Allison gets the boot, but not before totally getting into it with Fatima about whose butt is bigger. 03.04.2008

03.11.2008 B+ Potes

10-2

Recap Another Day In Paradise New York City, Here We Come - In their first week in New York, the girls must walk in a Badgley Mischka runway show in Times Square, dress like well-appointed homeless people, and put up with Fatima. Snotrag Kimberly can't take it and leaves of her own accord, while Atalya gets booted back to the outer boroughs. 02.26.2008

03.04.2008 B+ Potes

10-1

Recap School Daze Welcome To Top Model Prep - A new crop of semi-finalists make their way to Top Model Prep, where learning is interspersed with burning down the catwalk. Marvita is back and has a whole lot of therapy under her belt. And we might have our most international season ever with contestants from Africa, Poland, and wherever the hell Anya comes from. 02.19.2008

02.26.2008 B Potes

9-12

Recap Easy, Breezy, Tootieful The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 9) - After Jenah gets booted despite an 11th-hour breakdown/breakthrough, Saleisha sticks it to the Blair Warners of the world as she bests Chantal to be named the ninth America's Next Top Model winner. It's almost as shocking as that time you had turkey on Thanksgiving. 12.11.2007

12.18.2007 C- Potes

9-11

Recap Another Brick In The Wall The Girls Go To The Great Wall - The girls get all dressed up and go to the mall in an attempt to modernize traditional Chinese gowns worn by four great beauties, who clearly looked nothing like our remaining hamsters. While Jenah has an identity crisis and commits the fatal error of admitting she doesn't know who she is, Saleisha and Chantal excel at a shoot at the Great Wall, photographed by Tyra. But in the end, it's Bianca's mediocrity as a model that gets her, and her special brand of stank, sent home. 12.04.2007

12.11.2007 B Potes

9-10

Recap Come Go-See With Me The Girls Go On Go-See Adventures - It's time for Shanghai go-sees! Saleisha and Bianca do well and manage to make it back to the agency on time, while Heather gets lost repeatedly. A photo shoot with Nigel brings out the obnoxious in Jenah, and her deficient personality lands her in the bottom two. But alas, it is Heather who goes home. If she can find her way to the airport. 11.27.2007

12.04.2007 B Potes

9-9

Recap Shanghaijinx! The Girls Go To Shanghai - It's international time, as the girls make their way to China. Bianca continues her trend of being super-mean to Heather, until Heather kicks her bald butt in the week's challenge. The girls film a commercial and corresponding photo shoot for Cover Girl. Chantal does a pretty good job, while Lisa's lack of self-confidence and Heather's inability to speak do them in. In the end, Lisa is sent back to the pole, and we have our final five. 11.20.2007

11.27.2007 B Potes

9-8

Recap Just Let The Bitch In The Shower, Already The Girl Who Starts To Lose Her Cool - Heather does poorly in a Project Runway-lite challenge and takes out her frustration -- nay, "fustration" -- on the other girls in the house. The photo shoot sees the girls posing in front of a burning car in the desert, but sadly, there is only emotional scarring, and no actual charring. Tyra announces that six girls will be going to China before booting the seventh -- Ambreal. 11.13.2007

11.19.2007 B Potes

9-7

Recap Reality Television Pseudo-Fame Costs The Girls Who Crawl - Tyra gives the girls a master class in video ho-dom, which is also helpful to that segment of the viewing audience who has always wanted to do a wall slide, but just didn't know what to do with their arms. The girls put their learning to use in an Enrique Iglesias video, which has Lisa and Heather in bit feature parts. Heather faints from the heat and lack of nourishment, but rebounds quickly after a banana. And despite the fact that Chantal is the much more annoying final two member, it is the too-big-too-small Sarah who is sent home. 11.06.2007

11.13.2007 B- Potes

9-6

Recap Clips And Dips The Girl Who Runs Into The Glass Door - It's something old and something new as we follow the journey of our eight remaining finalists and stop to pick up some brand-new footage along the roadside. While it's possible that uber-bitch of the semifinals Ebony may have gotten what was coming to her, there's no question that Bianca's karmic payback involves a very clean glass door. 10.30.2007

11.06.2007 B- Potes

9-6

Recap Reuse, Renew, Reject The Girl Who Gets a Mango - The girls go through a brief experiment in being spokesmodelish as they slut all over Tyson Beckford and record a PSA. Heather gets to do a photo shoot with Mary J. Blige and Matthew Ralston, while Ambreal gets a free pass and Ebony gets the full force of Tyra's quiet wrath. 10.23.2007

10.30.2007 B- Potes

9-5

Recap High Flying, Unadored The Girl Who Is Afraid Of Heights - It's movement week! The girls bounce on a trampoline, strike a pose while pairs skating, and are photographed on a rooftop as high-fashion gargoyles, natch. Lisa prevails over the smack talk of the other girls, and it's mom-jeans Janet who is sent home. 10.16.2007

10.23.2007 B Potes

9-4

Recap Where Have All the Flowers Gone? The Girl Who Goes Bald - Tyra made them over, every one! As Jenah gets the horrifying weave of the season, Saleisha learns that if you're Ken Paves, you can stick a bowl on someone's head, trim, and charge $500. Meanwhile, Victoria continues to prickle the Twiggles, and she is sent home. 10.09.2007

10.16.2007 B Potes

9-3

Recap Rock-a-Bye Bitches The Girls Go Rock Climbing - The girls walk in straitjackets as a prelude to a high-fashion couture show that seems at least somewhat legit, for once in the history of this show. Saleisha is the latest victim of Bianca's wrath, which includes a campaign to slander her thighs. A rock-climbing shoot brings out the fierceness in Jenah and Heather. And finally, poor, normal Kimberly is sent back to the shit pile. 10.02.2007

10.09.2007 B Potes

9-2

Recap Smoke Gets In Your Eyes The Models Go Green - But not for long, as we enter the first non-smoking season, complete with its inaugural tracheotomy hole- and stillborn baby-featuring anti-smoking photo shoot! In other news, Bianca takes the lead as the season's biggest bitch as she and Lisa get into it; Heather is ostracized by some of the house's mean girls; and Mila bubbles back to Boston. 09.25.2007

10.01.2007 A+ Potes

9-1

Recap The Fug Boat The Girls Go Cruisin' - Bitches...exciting and new! Thirteen make it to the house, and twenty lose! 09.18.2007

09.25.2007 B Potes

8-11

Recap The Girl Who...Wait, Seriously? The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 8) - In a surprise move -- well, at least to us -- Renee gets the early boot along with parting gifts including a lifetime supply of wrinkle cream and a giant complex about looking old. This leaves Natasha and Jaslene as the final two. And because Tyra wants to blow our minds, Jaslene wins. 05.15.2007

05.19.2007 A+ Potes

8-10

Recap The Girl Whom Everyone Suddenly Hates The Girl Who Does Not Want To Dance - Renee's redemption arc really must be working, because even the other girls forgot how much they hate her and have now refocused their energy on Natasha. They scheme behind her back to oust her and they try to sabotage her at panel, but none of it works. To which we say, "Ha." And, "Go, Natasha." In sad news, Dionne goes home. 05.08.2007

05.12.2007 B+ Potes

8-9

Recap The Girl Who Freaked the Hell Out The Girl Who Blames The Taxi Driver - Go-sees! Brittany proves herself to be in dire need of a chill pill as she freaks out after missing a challenge deadline, and her strong performance on a dual sexy/soft photo shoot isn't enough to save her. Also, we learn about the art of tooching one's booty. Slinky slinky! 05.01.2007

05.07.2007 B+ Potes

8-8

Recap The Girl Who Can Hear, But Not Remember, The Thunder The Girls Who Go Down Under - The girls head to the beautiful land Down Under to live out their final Top Model days in Sydney. Natasha continues her trajectory of rocking in the free world, while Brittany proves that having staples in your head can be psychologically damaging. In the end, Jael goes home, much to Twiggy's endless delight. 04.17.2007

04.21.2007 B Potes

8-7

Recap The Girl Who's Not No Fucking Lesbo The Girl Who Impresses Pedro - Dionne almost loses us as she eschews lesbian love, but gets us back again when she admits she kinda likes it. Meanwhile, there are: acting, family visits, past contestants returning for a photo shoot, and Whitney being sent back to finish her college education like a good girl. 04.10.2007

04.15.2007 B+ Potes

8-6

Recap The Girl Wholahay The Girl Who Gets Thrown In The Pool - We have Wholahay, 50 Cent throwing Jael into a pool, evil genius Benny Medina, multiple personalities, Tyra facilitating a Renee smackdown by the whole group, and Sarah getting sent home. Can you think of a better episode in recent memory? 04.03.2007

04.08.2007 A+ Potes

8-5

Recap The Girl Who Neglected To Be Jolly The Girl Who Takes Credit - Natasha has some phone sex with her husband, the girls shill for Sears, Sarah neglects to share the credit for an undeserved challenge win, it's a gender-bending photo shoot, and Diana is sent home. Just 'cause. 03.27.2007

04.02.2007 B Potes

8-4

Recap The Girl Who Causes As Much Sorrow Dead The Girl Who Changes Her Attitude - Necrophilia abounds as the girls pose as bloody, gashed-up crime-scene victims. Most of them excel, but Felicia learns that staring dead-eyed at nothing is, in fact, not the same thing as modeling, and is sent packing. 03.20.2007

03.26.2007 B+ Potes

8-3

Recap The Girl Who Was Filler The Girl Who Cries All The Time - It's makeover time! Cassandra gets a giant Scary Spice 'do, and then gets sent home because being nice is not the same thing as being photogenic. Meanwhile, the girls pose semi-nude (unless you consider chocolate sauce to be clothes), Jael gets some tragic news, and Brittany's constant whining and pouting get a little annoying. 03.13.2007

03.20.2007 B Potes

8-2

Recap The Girl Who Is Way Too Nice The Girls Who Go To Prom - Poor, innocent Samantha can't withstand the diva stylings of Jaslene, naked craziness of Jael, and straight-up bitchery of Renee, and is sent home for essentially being too sweet. In other news, the girls get their seasonal dose of runway training, and head back to school, but not for the reasons that one might hope. 03.06.2007

03.13.2007 B+ Potes

8-1

Recap The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking - Kathleen, we hardly knew ye! The Cycle's most entertaining girl gets the boot first, because she is not smart enough to be a model. Yeah. Try to get your head around that one. 02.27.2007

03.06.2007 B+ Potes

7-13

Extra Union Jacked Up Next Top Model: British Invasion, Part II - For the second season of Britain's Next Top Model, they actually let the girl with the British teeth win. 12.19.2006

01.02.2007 B- Potes

7-12

Extra Girl Power! Next Top Model: British Invasion, Part I - Sporty, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Scary duke it out for the title of Britain's Next Top Model! Or maybe that was just a dream we had. 12.12.2006

12.25.2006 B+ Potes

7-11

Recap Battle Of The Blands The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 7) - And with the coronation of the first blonde winner, Season 7 comes to a close. We're sleepy. 12.05.2006

12.11.2006 C+ Potes

7-10

Recap Water, Water Everywhere The Girl Who Grates - And bitches, they will sink. In other news, the twins are 0 for 2. 11.28.2006

12.04.2006 B- Potes

7-9

Recap A Schlock And Bull Story The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot In Her Mouth - The first of the twins falls as Caridee tells Nigel to remove the giant pole from his ass, and Melrose narrowly escapes the wrath of the bull we paid off to take her out. 11.21.2006

11.26.2006 B Potes

7-8

Recap Breaking Down Is Hard to Do The Girl Who Breaks Down - Jaeda sweats right through her deodorant when confronted with a Spanish male model who is kind of a racist, and gets sent home. 11.14.2006

11.20.2006 B- Potes

7-7

Recap Get Outta My Dreams... The Girl Who Wrecks The Car - Get into my NASCAR! Except for you, Anchal. You just sit on the sidelines and eat this corn dog, okay? 11.07.2006

11.13.2006 B- Potes

7-6

Recap Same As It Ever Was The Girls Who Made It This Far - Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Except for the time that Monique smashed up all the chips in the house with her feet. 10.31.2006

11.06.2006 B- Potes

7-6

Recap Stay In School, Bitches The Girl Who Graduates - You know what's really sexy? Getting an education. And for one girl, this lesson comes too little, too late. 10.24.2006

10.30.2006 B Potes

7-5

Recap A.J. From The Block The Girl Who Punk'd Ashton - A.J. kind of wants to go home, and so she does. Michelle kind of wants to come out of the closet, and so she does. And Jaeda wants to stop sucking so badly. Eh, two out of three ain't bad. 10.17.2006

10.23.2006 B+ Potes

7-4

Recap Super(model) Freak The Girl Who Joined The Circus - As should come to no surprise to long-time viewers of this show, the girls finally find their niche posing as unattractive and malformed circus freaks 10.10.2006

10.16.2006 B Potes

7-3

Recap The Yellow Hos Of Texas The Girl Who Goes To Texas - Whoever said, "There's Dennis Quaid and then there's America's Next Top Model and ne'er the twain shall meet" feels awfully silly right now. 10.03.2006

10.09.2006 B+ Potes

7-2

Recap I Just Called To Say "I Hate You" The Girl Who Hates Her Hair - About a third of the remaining girls prove themselves to be ungrateful wenches at makeover time, and Monique gives a bad name to children of God everywhere. 09.26.2006

10.02.2006 B+ Potes

7-1

Recap Sister Christian, Oh, The Time Has Come The Girl Who Marks Her Territory - There are lots of bitches, and then fewer bitches, and then finally thirteen bitches. Some are cute, some look like men, some have the personality of a warthog. You know, another season, same old shit. 09.19.2006

09.25.2006 B Potes

6-12

Extra America's Next Top Picket Line The Djb Interview - The America's Next Top Model writers are on strike. Here's why. 07.23.2006

07.24.2006 A+ Potes

6-11

Recap "I'm A Cover Girl, Mommy!" The Girl Who Walked Through The Ancient City - Jade doesn't win. Isn't that all you really need to know? 05.16.2006

05.22.2006 A Potes

6-10

Recap Go-sees? Ah, Phuket. The Girls Go To Phuket - There are go-sees, there is swimwear, and, as we head into the final three, there is still Jade. Yeah, we can't believe it either. 05.09.2006

05.15.2006 B+ Potes

6-9

Recap To Wong Furonda The Girl Who Is Rushed To The Emergency Room - Thanks for everything, and we'll really miss your Fluffy Tiara of Truth. 05.02.2006

05.08.2006 B+ Potes

6-8

Recap No, No, Nnenna The Girl Who Is A Model, Not A Masseuse - Nnenna is eliminated, which means we won't have to see or hear any more of her loser boyfriend. Yay! 04.25.2006

05.01.2006 A Potes

6-7

Recap Down At Snaggle Rock The Girl Who Has Surgery - The snaggletooth is gone! The snaggletooth is gone! Hi, ho the derry-o, the snaggletooth is gone! 04.18.2006

04.24.2006 A Potes

6-6

Recap Double Trouble The Girl Who Has A Temper - This week features not one, but two stupid bitches! And neither of them is Jade! 04.11.2006

04.17.2006 B Potes

6-5

Recap Mollie Who? The Girl With Two Bad Takes - The girl who reminds you of all the other girls without a personality is sent home. 04.04.2006

04.10.2006 B+ Potes

6-4

Recap Featuring Janice Dickinson As Herself The Girl Who Kissed A Male Model - She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. And boy is she cranky. 03.28.2006

04.03.2006 A Potes

6-3

Recap Pretty Things The Girl Who Kissed The Roach - So what if we like pretty things? ANTM sure doesn't, and therefore Kari is cut instead of Gina. 03.21.2006

03.27.2006 B Potes

6-2

Recap Somebody Does, In Fact, Put Wendy in the Corner The Girl Who Is A True Miss Diva - Wendy finds her parents and becomes a little less tragic, except in relation to beauty. So, she's out. Meanwhile, Furonda wears a fluffy tiara, and Jade bitches and moans. 03.14.2006

03.20.2006 B+ Potes

6-1

Recap Bald Fuggle The Girls Go Bald - Note to Top Model staff: are you guys kidding? 03.07.2006

03.13.2006 B+ Potes

5-14

Recap Bring On Some Fresh Meat, Already Where The Girls Are - Yet more rehashing of the minimally existent careers of all the models you loved to hate and hated to love. And also, the ones you just plain hated. 02.28.2006

03.06.2006 C Potes

5-13

Extra Mama And Children Reunion Cycle 5 Reunion - Hey, wait a minute. This looks suspiciously like another boring episode of The Tyra Banks Show! We've been had, bitches. 12.13.2005

12.19.2005 C- Potes

5-12

Recap Sister Sledgehammer The Girl Who Is On The Cover - In a victory for underappreciated siblings everywhere, Nicole finally does something right. 12.06.2005

12.12.2005 B+ Potes

5-11

Recap I'm Sari...So Sari The Girl Who Takes A Pill - It's go-sees, Bollywood fashion, and Benadryl as our heroines tackle their third week in London. Also, Jayla finally goes home. 11.29.2005

12.05.2005 B- Potes

5-10

Recap Red Bullshit The Girl Who Retaliates - In which there's a whole lotta nonsense about Red Bull and granola. 11.22.2005

11.29.2005 B Potes

5-9

Recap An Episode Without A Heroine The Girl Who Talks Behind Everyone's Back - In which everyone gangs up on poor little Kimmy, the girls travel to London, and Jayla is still not sent home. 11.15.2005

11.21.2005 B- Potes

5-8

Recap Lisa Needs Her Diaper Changed The Girl Whose Boyfriend Is Cheating On Her - Thought you liked Lisa? Yeah, things change. Also: it's bogus non-elimination night! 11.08.2005

11.13.2005 B+ Potes

5-7

Recap Déjà Vu's a Bitch The Girl Who Wants To Step On The Pretty Flower - It is time for the annual clip show, in which we see stuff we've already seen, along with some stuff we haven't. And for once, it's actually not deathly boring. 11.01.2005

11.06.2005 B+ Potes

5-7

Recap Kyle-ing Me Softly The Girls Are 1940s Pin-Ups - ANTM chalks up another loss for the pretty and tall girls with potential as Kyle is sent back to a life of fixing the malfunctioning Blizzard machine. 10.25.2005

10.30.2005 C+ Potes

5-6

Recap Coryn's Got A Secret The Girl Who Loves Bubbles And Talks To Plants - And it's that she's afraid of heights. No, really. Also, Lisa loves alcohol and Jayla is a lapsed Jehovah's Witness. 10.18.2005

10.24.2005 B+ Potes

5-5

Recap Flaw Week! The Girl Who Gets A Boob Job - The girls have to discuss their flaws and how to fix them. Unfortunately, Miss J. is left out of the discussion. 10.11.2005

10.17.2005 B- Jeff Long

5-4

Recap Bye, Curious The Girl Who Makes A Disclaimer - Kim and Sarah are wrenched apart by cruel fate, while Cassandra is wrenched apart from good sense by her own stupidity. 10.04.2005

10.06.2005 B+ Potes

5-3

Recap Do Mess With Texas The Girl Who Needs A Miracle - It's dÃ©jÃ -vu all over again as Cassandra cries and cries about her pixie-like haircut, and we laugh and laugh. 09.27.2005

10.03.2005 B Potes

5-2

Recap Kim Gets A Toaster The Girls Become Super Heroes - Girl-on-girl action in the second half of a two-part premiere? You're not going to see that on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. 09.20.2005

09.27.2005 B Potes

5-1

Recap Twisted Sister The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase - Thirty-six young hopefuls are pared down to twenty hopefuls are pared down to thirteen hopefuls in a premiere episode sponsored by Chapstick and Ramen Noodles. 09.20.2005

09.26.2005 B Potes

4-12

Recap Naima Make You Scream-a The Girl Who Walks On Water - And with that, Janice Dickinson is 0 for 4. 05.17.2005

05.23.2005 B Potes

4-11

Recap Ebony And Ivory The Girl Who Is Special - They live together in perfect harmony side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why can't Brittany and Keenyah? 05.10.2005

05.16.2005 B- Potes

4-10

Recap The Kloof Will Set You Free The Girl Who Flops In The Mud - Go-sees, Kloofing, and one elimination later, and all we really want to know is why Kahlen and Christina were spooning. 05.03.2005

05.09.2005 B Potes

4-9

Recap XX Why? The Girls The Lionesses Are Hunting - The girls head to South Africa, and Michelle finally gets sent home. And we actually (ding!) feel a little bad about it. 04.26.2005

05.02.2005 B Potes

4-8

Recap Death Becomes Her The Girl Who Gets Bad News - On the eve of a photo shoot that takes place in a coffin at the bottom of an open grave, Kahlen gets the news that a friend has died. If you want to see raw emotion in a ratty weave, this is the show for you, my friend. 04.19.2005

04.25.2005 B- Potes

4-7

Recap Au Revoir, Bitches! The Girl Who Pushes Tyra Over The Edge - We might be able to put together a decent synopsis, if only we could hear ourselves think over the sounds of Tyra screaming. 04.12.2005

04.18.2005 A Potes

4-6

Recap Drunken Angel The Girl With The Deliciously Tacky Dance - If we've learned one thing this season, it's that you should never, ever sign a contract written up by Tyra's creepy father. In other news, Brittany is a boozehound, and Lluvy is finally put out of her misery. 04.05.2005

04.10.2005 B Potes

4-5

Recap The Flesh Eaters Are Coming! The Flesh Eaters Are Coming! The Girl Who Is Contagious - Well, Michelle is already crazy, manly, and an outcast from the group. Why not just kill her off with flesh-eating bacteria, already? 03.29.2005

04.04.2005 B+ Potes

4-4

Extra Die, Motherfucker Janice Dickinson: Supermodel Out of Control - Until you have uttered these words to your abusive, pedophile father after he's had some sort of attack and you've thrown his heart medicine out the window, we don't want to hear you say one bad thing about Miss Janice Dickinson. 03.26.2005

03.29.2005 A+ Potes

4-4

Recap Brandy, You're a Fine Girl The Girl With The Worst Photo In History - But your attitude stinks. So long, and we hope that you actually get to hit Tatiana one of these days. 03.22.2005

03.26.2005 B+ Potes

4-3

Recap Viva Las Vagus The Girl Who Suddenly Collapsed - Rebecca passes out, which seems like it's going to be a big deal, but then it turns out not to be such a big deal after all. Ditto with Michelle, who admits she's a big ol' queer. Ditto with Sarah, who is eliminated. Okay, so no one actually thought that last one was going to be a big deal in the first place, but it seemed rude not to mention it at all. 03.15.2005

03.17.2005 B Potes

4-2

Recap Send In The Clowns The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers - Don't bother, they're here. 03.08.2005

03.15.2005 B- Potes

4-1

Recap Normal Is Boring The Girl Who Is A Lady Kat. Reow! - Have a baby, an incurable disease, a checkered past, or unusually high levels of testosterone? Then you, too, can be America's Next Top Model! 03.01.2005

03.07.2005 B Potes

3-13

Recap What The Divas Are Doing Now What The Divas Are Doing Now - We'll tell you in one sentence what the so-called divas of Season 3 are doing now: scratching their asses and scraping the last remnants out of their one complimentary tube of Cover Girl Wetslicks. That doesn't make for a very interesting special, though, so we have been given this pack of lies instead. 02.28.2005

03.04.2005 C Potes

3-12

Recap Viva La Diva! The Girl Who Wins It All - In your tall bitches' face! In your tall bitches' face! 12.14.2004

12.20.2004 A Potes

3-11

Recap Breaking Up Is Hard To Do The Girl Who Didn't Hug Goodbye - Or so Eva and Ann have learned. Luckily for us viewers, what is considerably less hard is watching Ann finally get sent packing. 12.07.2004

12.13.2004 B- Potes

3-10

Recap Tea And No Sympathy The Girl The Lionesses Are Hunting - Noooooo! The higher powers at ANTM succeed in their bid to remove the last genuinely likable person on the show. And there's lots and lots about tea. 11.30.2004

12.05.2004 B- Potes

3-9

Recap You Go Back, Jack, Do It Again The Girl Who Goes Ballistic - There's something vaguely familiar about this episode... Oh yes! Everything. 11.23.2004

11.30.2004 C- Potes

3-9

Recap Turning Japanese The Girls Meet Taye Diggs - There are no pictures! There are no pictures! There's umeboshi and Campbell's commercials. We want a doctor to look at Tyra and explain why she got rid of Nicole. 11.16.2004

11.21.2004 B+ Potes

3-8

Recap Along Came A Spider The Girl Who Is Panic Stricken - The itsy, bitsy spider crawled on the model's face. Yaya was an ass with a lack of class and grace. Eva freaked out, but in the end she made it through. So say goodbye, Toccara, BBBW. 11.09.2004

11.14.2004 B Potes

3-7

Recap Don't You Mean, "The Girl Whose Thighs Were Twenty-Nine Inches Around"? The Girl Who Forgot Her Shoes - Hey everybody, what's worse than being bulimic? That's right: being fat! 11.02.2004

11.08.2004 B Potes

3-6

Recap Smells Like Cupcakes The Girl Who Mutilated The Precious Brownies - Oh, Kelle. You tried and tried, and still you sucked. But with every episode you became a little blacker and, perhaps not coincidentally, increasingly more lovable. It's too bad that your final moments were overshadowed by someone putting her fingers in someone else's brownies. So long, my little Snoutley Monkeykins, and good luck recovering the precious remnants of your self-esteem. 10.26.2004

11.01.2004 B Potes

3-5

Recap This Episode Was Brought To You By The Letter "F" The Girl Who Cries When She Looks In The Mirror - We are phinally phree of phoolish Jennipher as phate's phickle phortune phinishes her phor good. 10.19.2004

10.25.2004 B+ Potes

3-4

Recap Sherlock Homely The Girl Who Sets A Trap - Call out the search dogs. Amanda lost her freakin' crystals. 10.12.2004

10.17.2004 A Potes

3-3

Recap Shut Up, Amanda The Girl Everyone Thinks Is A Backstabber - Makeovers! Amanda gets blonde extensions, which enable her inner hag to shine through. Cassie has an eating disorder, or else she doesn't, depending on when you ask her. The girls are made to do a beauty shot sans makeup (an ironic twist for an episode practically coated in Cover Girl), which gives Janice a lot to work with. Tyra lets her biases shine through. Julie gets the axe. And just when you think you've had enough, there's Danilo. 10.05.2004

10.08.2004 B Potes

3-2

Recap If You Wanna Go On And Be Funky... The Girl Who Is Co-Dependent - ...don't say you look like a monkey. For the love of God, don't. 09.28.2004

10.04.2004 B Potes

3-1

Recap Dancer In The Snark The Girl With The Secret - Emotional breakthroughs, blindness, beer in the weave. The bar doesn't get any higher than this. 09.21.2004

09.26.2004 B+ Potes

2-11

Recap And, When You're Least Expecting It, Ryan Seacrest The Runway Ahead - Yoanna becomes America's Next Top Model and goes on a press spree from third-rated CBS to not-rated On Air, cementing her as a member of the b-list and causing the label "Future Center Square" to settle over her like a fine mist of anthrax. On her first day. Good job, UPN publicity department. 05.10.2004

05.12.2004 B- Djb

2-10

Recap Mercedes Bends The Girl Who Is America's Next Top Model - But Mercedes also breaks. 03.22.2004

03.26.2004 B Djb

2-9

Recap A Lump In His Haute The Girl Who Cheated - Sure, Eric seems upset at his whore girlfriend now. But he's young and gay. He'll get it over it somehow. 03.15.2004

03.17.2004 A+ Djb

2-8

Recap Postage Unpaid The Girl Who Is Afraid Of Snakes - Hey! Why did my Tyra Mail get returned? I know I've seen it already. So why am I seeing it again? WHY AM I SEEING IT AGAIN? 03.08.2004

03.10.2004 C+ Djb

2-8

Recap Fellini Meeny Miney Mo The Girls Who Go To Milan - Chi sarà eliminato questa settimana? Chi più non riterrà le congratulazioni ad essere tranquillo nel funzionamento verso il modello superiore seguente dell'America diventante? Chi ama il traduttore di Alta Vista? Definitivamente Djb! 03.01.2004

03.05.2004 B Djb

2-7

Recap Shake Ya Not-y The Girl Who Is Dripping With Hypocrisy - Yes, it's an hour-long tutorial on Tyra's new career. But it's still pretty damn entertaining. 02.23.2004

02.25.2004 B Djb

2-6

Recap Camille-y Mouthed The Girl Whose Lips Puffed Up - Can't act, can't sing, can't dance, can't keep that self-satisfied sneer off her face. Keep her! 02.17.2004

02.19.2004 A Djb

2-5

Recap Mama Said Knock You Out The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm - Mama told us lots of other important things about lupus, too. 02.09.2004

02.11.2004 B- Djb

2-4

Recap Stopping Short The Girl Who Needs Six Months Of Modeling School - Jenascia takes a walk, but it takes her three times as long to do so as it would a real girl because -- sing it with me if you know the Randy Newman song -- she's just not tall. 02.02.2004

02.05.2004 B+ Djb

2-3

Recap Guess Who's Coming To Dinner The Girl Who Can Cry At The Drop Of A Hat - Mike! Mike! And...AJ! That's who! 01.26.2004

01.28.2004 B+ Djb

2-2

Recap Trash Compactor The Girl Who Has A Temper - Breastany gets booted because she's got a rack for porn and a hairstyle for Jersey. 01.19.2004

01.21.2004 B+ Djb

2-1

Recap Model Behavior The Girl Who Overslept - Model behavior! Get it? Well, do ya? DO YA? 01.12.2004

01.14.2004 B Djb

1-9

Extra The Elyse Interview The Elyse Interview - Elyse, the real star of America's Next Top Model, dishes the dirt about Robin, the pagans vs. the Christians, Elimidate, and those oily Parisians. 08.12.2003

08.12.2003 Gustave

1-8

Recap Adrianne Wins! The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 1) - In other news, Adrianne wins. 07.07.2003

07.10.2003 A Djb

1-7

Recap The Sound Of One Djb Snapping How The Girls Got Here - Well, then, he thought...why not just set the whole season to music? 07.06.2003

07.09.2003 B- Djb

1-7

Recap Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin The Girls Who Get Really Naked - And thus she was eliminated. And thus there was great rejoicing in the land. 06.30.2003

07.02.2003 A Djb

1-6

Recap Pick Up The Francophone The Girl Who Deals With A Pervert - Paris calling! 06.23.2003

06.27.2003 B+ Djb

1-5

Recap Anorexia, Anorexia/Intimate, Obstinate/Anorexia The Girl Who Everyone Thinks Is Killing Herself - Elyse is just hungry for the love of her cute but uncute boyfriend, is all. Meanwhile, Djb makes a subtle Fiddler on the Roof joke in the index-page headline and everyone's like, "Huh..." 06.16.2003

06.19.2003 B Djb

1-4

Recap It Puts The Lotion On The Basket Case The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy - We said, it puts the lotion on the basket case! 06.09.2003

06.12.2003 A Djb

1-3

Recap Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room - As prom time nears at Clone High, Abe can't stop thinking about Joan, Gandhi can't find a date, and Mr. B. helps out Scudworth with a makeover because we're thinking what he's programmed to be thinking. 06.02.2003

06.05.2003 A Djb

1-2

Recap The Gospel According To Elyse The Girl Is Here To Win - Prayer is bad, Wyclef is bad, J. Alexander is bad, modeling is bad, and puppies are bad. Look, Elyse, we're trying to like you. So why you gotta be hating on the puppies? 05.26.2003

05.29.2003 A Djb