UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE

SUPERVISING SPECIAL AGENT’S WEEKLY REPORT

DUTY STATION: Chappaqua, New York

PROTECTEE: Hillary Rodham Clinton

Date: Jan. 24, 2017

DETAILS:

Mrs. Clinton did not emerge from sleeping quarters until almost noon again today, as has often been the case since Nov. 9. Her attention to personal grooming continues to deteriorate, as evidenced by her now customary attire of housecoat and fuzzy slippers, both of which are very much in need of laundering. As has also become customary, she spent the afternoon pacing the house with a cup of coffee in one hand and a tumbler of Wild Turkey in the other, which are replenished as needed by Ms. Mills and Ms. Abedin, respectively. Mrs. Clinton has also taken up smoking cigarettes, unfiltered Camels to be precise, and is often careless with the ashes. The carpeting throughout the house now bears numerous burn marks along with stains from spilled coffee and whiskey. (See accompanying requisition for additional fire extinguishers.)

While pacing the house, Mrs. Clinton talks to herself, at times making reference to some hoped for but yet unplanned visits to Iowa and New Hampshire. At other times she shouts, often inquiring as to the whereabouts of President Clinton. “Where’s Bill?” she screamed at one agent this morning. “Where the [redacted] is my husband? Where the [redacted] is my [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] husband?”

Mrs. Clinton’s full-time hair-and-makeup staff, which during the campaign numbered as high as 25, saw the final resignation last week. “I can’t do this anymore,” the woman screamed as she ran from the house. For Mrs. Clinton’s attendance at the inauguration, hair and makeup artists had to be recruited from the D.C. area market. Even then, Mrs. Clinton’s mercurial reputation is such that some would only sign on for the task after being assured that Mrs. Clinton would be disarmed and medicated. Household staff also suffers from high rate of attrition due to Mrs. Clinton’s behavior, which grows more erratic by the day.

The decision to surreptitiously medicate Mrs. Clinton prior to the inauguration, though fraught with risk at the time, appears to have been prudent. Members of the detail report that in no one’s memory has she been as easily handled as she was on Friday. “I didn’t hear her curse all day,” said one agent, “at least not until the meds wore off.” More importantly, the medication allowed agents to retrieve and conceal the revolver Mrs. Clinton has taken to carrying, thus lessening (but not eliminating) the potential threat to Mr. Trump during the ceremony at the capitol.

Should the tactic of medicating Mrs. Clinton be employed again for some future public appearance, I recommend additional precautions be taken. Though President and Mrs. Clinton are seldom together, we should guard against President Clinton being accidentally exposed to the substances used to sedate his wife. He appeared to have ingested some stupefying agent on Friday, as revealed by this photograph from the Chicago Tribune. Though unintentional, having President Clinton medicated as well did yield benefits. Accusations of unwanted propositions and other improper behavior toward women are commonplace during President Clinton’s public appearances, yet none were reported on Friday.

Tensions between Mrs. Clinton and the detail were heightened when she recently learned of her new code name. The feeling among agents here is that the switch to “Sore Loser” was unnecessarily provocative, and that Mrs. Clintion should not be provided with any more reasons to lose her temper. It should also be noted, however, that President Clinton is said to be entirely satisfied with his new code name, “Sinatra.”

Morale on the detail was further eroded on Saturday when agents were ordered to accompany Mrs. Clinton to the “Women’s March” in Washington. While Mrs. Clinton wore a disguise, male agents were forced to dress in drag for the occasion. Mrs. Clinton also insisted female agents on the detail “butch it up,” as she put it, so as not to draw undue attention by appearing conspicuously feminine. The agents’ sense of duty is such that they endured these inconveniences, but they balked at joining Mrs. Clinton in her approving commentary on the speakers. Agents felt it was asking too much to insist they shout, “Yes, Ashley, you tell it, girlfriend!” and other such remarks during the speeches.

It is well known among the agents here, and indeed throughout the Secret Service, that assignment to Mrs. Clinton’s detail is regarded as punishment for transgressions committed elsewhere. While the threat of reassignment to Chappaqua may be an effective tool for enforcing Secret Service regulations, the policy has led to high attrition among the agents forced to work here. My recommendation is that Mrs. Clinton’s detail be a rotating, temporary assignment of no more than two months in duration.

Exposure to these conditions beyond two months can lead to an irreversible decline in morale and diminution of mission readiness. The assignment should be also accompanied by a hardship bonus similar to that paid to federal agents when assigned to Haiti, Venezuela, and other troubled, undesirable locales. Two more agents resigned last week, with one taking a job as a toll-taker on the Tappan Zee Bridge, the other as a cook at the Applebee’s in Mohegan Lake. (It was these two agents who were standing closest to the television set when Mrs. Clinton fired all six rounds from her revolver at it; Mr. Trump was appearing onscreen at the time.)

END OF REPORT

Note: The characters in this satire are fictional. Any resemblance to real people is a pure accident of the imagination.