BRITAIN’S teeth are imperfect because they have not had lots of weird, expensive shit done to them, it has been confirmed.

Following fresh condemnation of the UK’s mouths from dentists and Americans, Britons have claimed their teeth looked flawed because that is cheaper and more natural than glueing on massive fake ones.

Teacher Susan Traherne said: “Are they still on about that, then, with the teeth?

“Has it not occurred to them that putting your teeth in a cage for six years or coating them in chemicals is a bit fucking odd?”

She added: “I went out with this American once, I couldn’t look at him directly, or I’d have afterimages burnt on my retinas for weeks.

“And dentists can shut up, they’re all weird sadists like out of a David Lynch film.”

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “Like anyone normal, I go to the dentist when I can’t stand the pain any more.

“My teeth aren’t white, but neither is my penis burnished with a lustrous shine of gold and I’m okay with that.”