I’ve called this press conference today to address the rumors that have been swirling before the tabloids get a hold of them. Yes, it’s true, Katy Perry and I are going through a rough patch. No, that does NOT mean we’re breaking things off. Our relationship is just like any other relationship there are highs and lows, but I believe we have what it takes to get through this past album’s poor charting, lack of hooks and dismal ticket sales. Yes, her failure to consult me before agreeing to be an American Idol Judge only strained our relationship further. I mean what’s next Dancing with the Stars? Talk about a cry for help!

However, in these trying times, I hold tight to the memory of when I first fell in love with her. It was 2008, and she was singing I Kissed A Girl on Dick Clark’s Rocking New Year’s Eve. Our Eyes met through the TV, and my ex-husband declared I hate this bitch. It was then I knew she would always be My Teenage Dream. Since then Katy and I have been through so much together from getting her braces off and finding out Kenny G is her uncle in Last Friday Night to when she powerfully proclaimed her Unconditional love for me on her fourth album Prism.

Looking back, we’ve weathered other storms like when she married Russell Brand instead of me. Did I let it break us up? No! I knew in my heart it wouldn’t last and stuck by her because that’s what soulmates do.

I know she’s been acting weird lately, but I’m ok with it. She just went through that break up with Orlando Bloom, and Swish, Swish was another one in the wastebasket. The least we can do right now is keep the whispers to a minimum and be compassionate. Do I long to see her once more with her dark hair cascading over a candy covered leotard while she sings uplifting songs about how great I am like she did on Firework? Obvs, but she needs time right now not your judgment, certainly not mine.

Yes, it bothers me that we’re sleeping in separate rooms, but she’s on the road for work a lot. When she’s home, I don’t want to keep her up all night with my teeth grinding. We decided it would be best if I slept at my 2-bedroom house in New Jersey and she slept in her new multi-million-dollar estate in LA. An estate by the way that has only caused her more stress due to the constant harassment by that angry pack of wild nuns.

Why do you guys have to gossip about her going solo on the red carpet and me being seen stuffing stolen bread-sticks into my purse at an Olive Garden outside of Philadelphia with my “boyfriend.” Maybe, those bread-sticks were for starving children? Did you ever think of that? Of course not, because you only think of yourselves.

Ok, it’s true Katy isn’t the only one who’s messed up. Yes, I’m guilty of saving some VERY popular and catchy Taylor Swift songs to my Spotify playlist. I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense with the constant stress we’re under worrying whether Taylor is writing another platinum dis track about our relationship but in my defense, even Katy said she liked Taylor as a songwriter. Regardless, we’re not keeping score here, and we wish you wouldn’t either. I know we will weather this storm and come out the Legendary Lovers we truly are…Haters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a restraining order to fight.