It’s kind of an open secret that most Christians haven’t read the Bible. Despite polls showing that 92% of Americans agree with the statement “Every word in the Bible is as true as the Bible, and also this poll wasn’t just made up by a guy who needed a quote for his lede,” most people have literally no idea what the Bible actually says.

This sort of ignorance has no place in our modern, civilized era of #reason.And the truth is, your church is desperate to keep it that way, which is why there aren’t a thousand dumbed-down English translations of the Bible floating around out there. Your pastor doesn’t want you to read the Bible, because if you did you’d realize it’s full of verses that are obviously false and also completely contradict modern values, which are obviously the correct values, because they’re the modern ones.

Like what? Well, here are just a few . . .

The verse: “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because it says right there, if you hear the word, you’re deceiving yourself. Even the Bible admits that it’s full of lies. I have no idea why the Bible would admit something like that, but I guess those Bronze-Age goatherders who wrote it just didn’t know any better, presumably because they didn’t have #science and #reason.

Also, in our sophisticated, modern era, we now know that “ye” isn’t actually a real word.

The verse: “Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: The Bible teaches that “there is neither Greek nor Jew,” but modern science has proven the existence of both Greeks and Jews. Only a bigot would deny the existence of Greeks and Jews, but that’s exactly what Bible-thumpers want you to do. This sort of ignorance has no place in our modern, civilized era of #reason.

The verse: “Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: This verse, supposedly written around 1,000 B.C., directly references Thanksgiving, even though Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t invent Thanksgiving for another 3,000 years.

That is, assuming Abraham Lincoln ever even existed. Can’t wait to watch the fundies squirm as they try to explain this one.

The verse: “Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Am I the only one noticing that these two verses are loaded with sex and violence? Crack the Bible open here, and your pastor’s manipulation is exposed: the Bible is a “moral” book, huh? Well, I think I could teach those OT barbarians a thing or two about #reason, just as soon as I finish watching Game of Thrones.

By myself.

In the dark.

Because I enjoy its intriguing storyline.

The verse: “Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he healed him, insomuch that the blind and dumb both spake and saw.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: The Bible wants you to believe the past tense form of “speak” is “spake,” but modern science has proven that it’s “spoke.” The weight of biblical inaccuracies is piling up, and we’re just getting started. Your pastor knows that if you found out about it, your faith would come crashing down like a house of cards, and not even the Kevin-Spacey-with-a-ridiculously-fake-accent kind.

The verse: “And Jesus cried with a loud voice, and gave up the ghost.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because, wait, Jesus had a pet ghost? And then he was forced to give it up? Why doesn’t your church ever mention that when they’re telling you the story of Jesus? I mean, I’m just spitballing here, but could it possibly be because of a vast conspiracy to cover up the truth because the Church finds it threatening and also Leonardo daVinci was probably involved somehow???

The verse: “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because that is clearly seven words. We all know that Bible-thumpers have trouble with numbers (the earth is 10,000 years old? really?), but on this one, the writers of scripture are way behind the times. Even the ancient Babylonians knew a little something about mathematics; perhaps that’s why Jeremiah was so keen on Babylon’s destruction. Evidently these fanatical Bible defenders are nothing new; they have always gone to extreme lengths in ducking #science and #reason.

The verse: “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because this is just one more of the many places that the Bible is riddled with errors. It clearly says “all is vanity,” yet a quick trip to IKEA exposes that foolishness, stocked as it is with a variety of dressers and nightstands. Man, this is easy. The Bible’s days of authority and privilege are clearly numbered.

The verse: “Surely the Lord GOD will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Your pastor wants you to believe that God is all-powerful, but even the Bible clearly says, “God will do nothing.” True, yes, but devastating for Christianity.

So, checkmate, Holy Rollers. You all are just lucky someone was here to read the Bible for you and tell you what to think about it before your church was able to brainwash you. As the saying goes, the #truth has set you free.

Wish I could remember where I read that.