For some reason I had it in my head that deep down everyone is essentially versatile, turns out I’m quite wrong. Even here in rock and roll London there are men who prefer never to stray from their chosen sexual identities. I can’t help feeling that this leads to some pretty weird sex myths developing on the hook up scene, particularly with guys who identify as ‘100% top’. Here’s a thought,

NOBODY LIKES GETTING FUCKED BY A TERRIBLE TOP!

If you are one of those gay men who confuses penetrative roles in sex play with preconceived notions of masculinity, then you need to stop having sex for a while, head to a halcyon world that has only ever existed in shitty porn films, like a public school or a prison, and beg to get punch-fucked by a retarded drug addict; because, generally speaking, gay porn is fucking awful at representing mutual pleasure in sexual intercourse. Gay porn exists for onanism, which is fine if you don’t take it literally, it’s about sitting on your own and masturbating. If you haven’t figured this out yet, then you really need to stop having sex for a while…etc..etc…

The other day I read on my friend’s Facebook feed that some gay guys were organizing workshops here in London in order to become ‘better bottoms.’ Well, having been sexually versatile, it is my opinion that we really need to start at the ‘top‘ and work our way down. Looking back over previous posts, I tend to blog about the comedy fails of my sexual shenanigans, and guess what, the over-whelming majority of these failures occur when I have hooked up with a really terrible top.

So, if you consider yourself a totally top ‘top’, let me dispel a few ridiculous myths for you.

1. MACHO, TOUGH, ‘BUTCH TALK’ IS HOT:

Butch talk can be a turn on; however, unless you’ve agreed a role play session or scenario, try to avoid it. It’s way too easy to end up sounding like Joey from ‘Friends’. Also simply repeating the phrase…

“You want me to fuck you? Yeah? Yeah? I’ll fuck you… You want me to fuck you? Yeah? Yeah? I’ll fuck you…You want me to fuck you?..”

…doesn’t make you sound like a porn star. It’s something Bubba Gump might lovingly say into a bucket of shellfish.

2. ROUGH FINGERING IS SEXY:

Here’s an experiment you can try at home, stuff your finger up your bottom. No, don’t spit on it, just shove it up there now! That’s right, keep pushing all the way up, don’t stop… Are you having fun yet? Feel anything uncomfortable? One of the characteristics of the human finger is the external keratin claw that we call ‘a fingernail’. It’s a really useful aid to climbing trees and pulling apart an array of wonderful foodstuffs, such as shellfish in a bucket. However, it’s pretty uncomfortable when scratching away at the inside of your un-lubricated rectum. There are a whole range of sex toys available in all different shapes and sizes – for more information check out ‘Prowler’.

3. USING ANOTHER PERSON AS A TOOL FOR MASTURBATION IS OKAY:

Get rid of the voice in your head that tells you that ‘harder faster’ is somehow ‘better.’ If you happen to be a teenage kid at a death metal concert then yes, ‘harder and faster’ can be ‘awesome’, if you are fucking another man (which presumably you are if you are reading this) it’s not. Communication is the key word here people. If you’ve been smoking crystal meth for example, a hardcore fuck is great and sometimes we all like to get banged like a turnstile on lesbian day at Dollywood, but unless you are desperate to get the whole thing over and rush home to your long suffering husband, why not take your time?

Check out my post “Fucking Idiots,” for more on this topic.

4. A BOTTOM ONLY EXISTS TO GIVE YOU PLEASURE.

How do we define ourselves as human beings? That’s a tricky one isn’t it. It could be argued that we are a complex mesh of independent and interdependent objects that give the illusion of a singularity in any given moment of time in space. Alternatively you could argue that, like a baby dangling on its mother’s tit, you are the center of the entire universe and everything exists to service your needs. The hoop that you are so fond of pounding serves a variety of functions, sometimes accidents happen… You know what I am talking about… Shit happens… Grow up.

Check out my post “Fucking Arseholes,” for more on this topic.

5. A BOTTOM ONLY EXISTS AS A ‘RAW-FUCK, CUM-DUMP’.

It’s true, we live in an age where modern medicine can treat the vast majority of sexually transmitted diseases; however, there are still a number of pretty nasty things flying around. Just like a suspect list of celebrity paedophiles from the 1970’s, many of our old school favourites are making an unexpected comeback. How would you like a bout of Hepatitis C? What about a dose of antibiotic resistant syphilis or gonorrhea?

Now we all know that despite all of the best marketing and PR campaigns in the world you are never going to make a condom feel as great to a dedicated top as a bare-back raw-fuck. But I really want you to just hold this thought for a second. If a bottom guy is going to let you raw fuck him having never spoken to you before, chances are, he’s let other guys, which means for whatever reason, he’s got nothing to lose. I’m not slut-shaming here, but you’re potentially facing at the least a few embarrassing trips to the GUM clinic – or worse, a liver transplant. So, it’s probably not in your interest to expect a raw bare-back fuck within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.

Communication is the key people… Tune in next Sunday for ‘Fucking Tops’.

I’ve also written a book which has been banned in most south Asian countries for mixing culture, politics and anal sex. It’s available for a limited period on Amazon. Follow the link, you might just like it…