Hi there,

Hope you had an enjoyable vacation.

I don’t mean this. I have no well wishes for you.

Do you have any time this week or next for a quick chat?

My time is important to me, and unlike L’Oreal, you aren’t worth it. I’ve allocated 30 minutes where I’ll point out the most burdensome of your flaws.

I thought it’d be an excellent chance to debrief the last 12 months.

To me, you are like poor man’s Ivan the Terrible — having a bad year. I’ll present to you the 13 complaints from peers regarding your inadequate performance. The ones nobody has told you about because you are too stupid to realize on your own. I’ll read them loud so the office next door will hear.

This is a casual meeting, no need to prepare. I’m interested to hear where you’d like to go career-wise.

That’s for a regular person. Your brain is slower than a geriatric iceberg so, you might want to prepare. I’ll have butt-dialed every colleague at the firm into one big conference call. Make sure to lower your impossibly lofty career aspirations to minimize their guffaws.

Last time we met, we spoke about you being on track for a promotion.

I use promotion meaning “promoted out of the company” so you can be out of my way. Everybody’s way. You know when a tree falls across a road? That’s what you are. A rotten silver birch, felled by lightning, blocking progress. In the annual meeting next week, I’ll be instructing everybody to refer to you as Silver Birch.

How about Monday in the small meeting room?

The one thats hotter than a Russian Sauna. The one that overheats so quickly, you’ll almost certainly get dizzy and want to puke. It’s the room with a wire garbage can so even if you do, there’s no hiding. All you’ll achieve is a lumpy puddle on the floor. Your career legacy. Puddles repulse me and, when I’m repulsed, I fire people on the spot.

It’s the room next to Stephen’s office.

The one so riddled with obstacles, it might as well be a Japanese gameshow. If you try to run for the exit, you’ll look like a shell-shocked soldier scrambling to get out of your trench. Minus the bravery. Stephen will write another one of his LinkedIn articles about you, referencing you by name. He’s an Influencer who has broken the careers of finer people.

Let me know a few times that work for you.

Know you, you’ll send me a list of vegetables instead. Even if you send times, You’ll suggest the wrong ones. Or too many times. Or too few. Whatever you do, you’ll indicate such incapability that clinicians will study you. Your Wikipedia page will be classified as a psychological disorder. Your bones will be placed in a museum of oddities.

Cheers.

As in goodbye. I’m talking more holistically than this email.

Karen