Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is fuming that the novel coronavirus is getting more press coverage than him.

“Trump is furious that he’s being upstaged by a dumb virus,” explained a Trump staffer who requested anonymity to freely discuss internal deliberations. “He really thrives off of negative attention, and he’s gotten very used to the media talking about him all day. But now that the coronavirus has become a full pandemic, its name is being dropped in cable news conversations much more than his own. To fight back, Trump has directed his cabinet to brainstorm ideas for ways he could gain back that negative media attention he so desperately craves.”

The staffer provided the following list his cabinet has compiled of ways Trump can turn attention back on himself:

Rename the coronavirus “Trumpovirus” to help his branding.

Call the UK’s Queen Elizabeth “overrated,” “talentless,” and a “loser” to start a new Twitter feud.

Announce Ivanka as his 2020 VP.

Out Mike Pence as gay.

Send a dick pic to the New York Times and Washington Post to prove once and for all that his reproductive organ is only mushroom-esque, NOT fully mushroom shaped.

Call himself “the Martin Luther King Jr. of white people” at an NAACP event.

Reveal he convinced Ted Cruz to blow him for one positive tweet.

Get a tattoo of his own face on his arm.

Sell nuclear missiles to the Taliban.

Give his daughter Tiffany to Mohammad Bin Salman of Saudi Arabia as a gift to be one of his wives and cement their political relationship via marriage.

Get baptized again in a big televised event akin to a monarch’s coronation.

Let Stephen Miller do the creepy medical testing he wants to do on detained immigrants.

Extort another foreign country for personal political gain and obstruct justice into the ensuing investigation.

Move the Oval Office to Mar-a-Lago.

Announce a Trump Tower Moscow, but promise it has nothing to do with Russian collusion or sanctions relief.

Start a new Apprentice: White House Edition where he fires someone from his cabinet every week.

Promise his next Supreme Court pick will be Sean Hannity.

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