An open letter to Kopparberg about their Naked Apple Cider

Magners. Ask any cider drinker about Apple cider, and they’ll tell you about Magners. I’d tell you Magners. I’d have told you Magners for the last 8 years of my life.

Yuck

Forget that frothy cheapskate rip off Bulmers. In my eyes Magners was the first marketed premium cider. In my eyes, before Magners — cider was associated with homeless alcoholics with smelly breath. White lightning. You get the idea.

It was also somehow associated with posh American families, as depicted in the 1993 epic movie Hocus Pocus.

For a good while — there really was no competition.

But back to my original point. Magners. Whenever I go into an establishment that doesn’t have Magners, I give a huff. No Bulmers? Double huff. No Stella Cidre? Triple huff.

I’ll have a vodka red bull please :(

This was until I went to one restaurant that changed everything. Almost Famous, in Liverpool. “You have Kopperberg Apple?” I say. “I had no idea Kopperberg DID Apple Cider!” follows shortly after.

Almost Famous do INCREDIBLE burgers, if you didn’t know.

Then they bring it to the table. The colour is very feint. Nothing like the deep orange of Magners and Bulmers past. I taste it… and what do I taste? Apples. I taste Apples.

You don’t understand, Kopperberg. I taste Apples like I’ve never tastes Apples from cider before. It was magical. It was a revelation.

It was delicious and beautiful, and angels were singing.

After I’d finished the second — I’d concluded it. You were going straight to the top baby. This was it. A cider revolution was imminent. Magners were about to be dethroned. But then the issue occurred.

WELL IT IS REAL CAUSE HERE IT IS, BAR STAFF EVERYWHERE!

I went to many pubs and bars. Nowhere had it. They looked at me like I was an alien. NAKED Apple? What was I talking about? KOPPERBERG Apple? This guy is nuts. Nobody had a damn clue what I was talking about.

I had to settle for the Magners or Bulmers that I once cherished.

“Oh, but we have ________ fruity flavour Kopperberg, though.” — I DON’T CARE BAR WENCH — I don’t mean to get upset, I just don’t drink fruit cider. I’ve never cared for it, it’s sickly after 2 pints and I can’t deal with it. I drink Apple cider. Apple cider is my cider.

Big up to the Pilgrim, I love you really!

Apart from Almost Famous, I found it in one pub, called The Pilgrim, also in Liverpool.

Now, I absolutely love the Pilgrim, I frequently refer to it as “a shithole, but no, a nice shithole!”.

The sad thing is that The Pilgrim, whilst being fantastic and always busy of a weekend — it’s certainly not high profile enough to bring your product to prominence on its own.

And Almost Famous is so good it’s becoming something of a local landmark, but first and foremost they sell burgers.

These two pioneers need help. They need you to pull your finger out.

It’s not in the bars, it’s not in the shops (Tesco, Asda etc — I’ve checked) — so where is it Kopperberg? WHERE IS IT?

I understand. You’re scared. You’re up against the big boys in the Apple Cider market, and whilst you’re well known for doing fruit cider, it’s scary trying to bring something like Apple Cider to the market. But I believe in you. And anybody who drinks cider and tries your product, will too, believe in you.

So why not be a bit more aggressive? Force it down bar owners throats. Get the purchasing lady at Tesco of her t*ts and plough her with your delicious cider until she says yes!

YOU CAN DO THIS KOPPARBERG.

I believe in you. If you want my help, just holler!

In the mean time — if you’re inspired by my words and would like to get in touch when you have some more widespread availability (just to let me know) you can find me on Twitter @thisistomok

Thank you very much for reading Kopperberg, and good luck!