Paranoia has never been a strength of mine, but that’s all about to change. Some wonderful people sent me one of their super amazing security cameras to review here on my blog. Of course, nothing is truly super amazing until I’ve certified it as such. So, without further ado, my review:

The product came in a box inside a box four times its size and packed with pink packing peanuts. So far, exceeding expectations, it brought me the double joy of pink “ghost turds” (hours of fun) and of knowing that I’m pulling my weight in this global warming effort.

After hours of playing with the shipping protection, it was finally time to use the camera. Yet I didn’t actually need the slightest bit of security. Who would want to harm me? So, I had to let my paranoia take over, if only to offer a fair review. They were out there. They were after me. They would stop at nothing, except the threat of being recorded and put up on the YouTube.

I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of stealing my property, identity or worse!

My bacon.

Thirty-six hours later, and my bacon is still untouched.

It proved itself in the field, and that’s what you want in a surveillance companion. You can’t take a chance on some green piece of equipment, not when you have bacon on the line.

Of course, there is more to any good security system than just taking a bunch of pictures. You want some degree of cinematography. We’re not filming a Best Picture winner here, but color would be nice. This way I can tell if being robbed was a hate crime or not.

Unfortunately, the cables were confusing. Apparently, a power supply is sold separately, or I need a special DVR unit, or something. So, I couldn’t actually try out the camera. The good news is bad guys don’t know that (unless they’re reading my blog). Even non-functioning security cameras can deter crime. The mere presence of this bad boy sends a shiver up the spines of would be criminals. “Yikes!” they scream, fleeing from the metaphorical spotlight. Publicity is a thief’s worst enemy. That’s why they always wear those eye masks.

The best part, though, is that now I can finally build my own Pearl station, like the one from LOST. Just imagine what great scientific experiences I could run! There was a reason I majored in psychology. Maybe now I can finally get an honorary degree by violating the privacy of others for science.

All in all, it’s exactly what I want in a security camera. It secures my bacon. It let’s me feel like John Locke. And it didn’t cost me anything. This is indeed a super awesome camera. Now, I can finally sit back and literally watch the crime not happen to me, thanks to the protection this little guy offers me and mine.