NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, a homeless and thoroughly disheveled Prince Harry was spotted Monday eating out of residential garbage cans only 24 hours after stepping away from the Royal Family. “I heard a clatter in the alleyway, so I circled around and found him rooting around in my trash and kind of quietly muttering to himself,” said Northamptonshire resident Sarah Christie, describing the unshaven, filth-covered Duke of Sussex as “clearly not in a good place” in the wake of announcing plans to distance himself from the British monarchy, while expressing concern about the senior royal’s bloodshot eyes and foul stench. “I asked if he needed help, but he just hissed at me and went back to sucking on this half-eaten chicken bone he’d rooted up. Frankly, I was trying to keep my distance because I wasn’t 100% sure he wasn’t going to lunge.” At press time, Christie had called the police after witnessing the Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle repeatedly attempt to sell off her baby to people waiting at a nearby bus stop.

Advertisement