After recently purchasing what his girlfriend refers to as an “absolutely hideous” pair of suede loafers, Jason Eames of New Brunswick has realized that the shoe purchase is taking an enormous toll on their relationship.

“I just wish he’d invited me to the store, or texted me a picture, or agreed to burn them after I told him what I thought,” explains girlfriend Emma Watham. “Instead he’s been wearing them nearly every day. I don’t know what to do.”

Eames insists he thinks the loafers are “sorta cool, don’t ya think?” despite a lack of corroboration from literally anyone, never mind his own, deeply committed life partner.

He’s worn the shoes to work, to barbecues, and, most unfortunately, around his home.

“I can’t live like this,” says Watham, whose sex drive has completely evaporated since the shoes arrived. “This is not the man I fell in love with. I swear to God, he was wearing normal shoes when we met. This is like living with some sort of pedophile.”

“I really don’t think they’re that bad,” says Eames while wearing the shoes that are making Watham wonder if she could ever really have children with this man.



“I’m trying to support him through this,” explains Watham. “I don’t want to seem like I’m policing his style choices, but really it’s too much to bear. I mean, just look at those fucking shoes.”

Watham got excited when she saw Eames drip ketchup on the loafers, but her hopes were dashed when he carefully cleaned it off and said, “There’s still a lot of life in these. I’m not gonna let a comfy pair of shoes go to waste.”

As of press time, Watham and Eames are still together, somehow.