OK, I’m Kate and I’ll be the pretend host for this Reality TV pilot, and, depending on your answers you may qualify to host the telethon. I’ll show you a series of images on cards and you say the first thing that comes to mind.

The drumbeat of calls to evaluate President Trump’s mental health — even by those in his own party — have only intensified following a series of odd tweets he launched while Hurricane Harvey pummeled Texas, but the problem remains: how to test someone who’s made it clear therapy isn’t for him? We suggest handlers trick him into completing a modified version of the Rohrschach inkblot test — by flattering him into thinking it is critical that he help audition a new host for the annual Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon now that Jerry Lewis has passed away. We can imagine the recording:


[She holds a card of a swastika.]

Taylor Swift: Kanye.

Bernie Sanders: What are you kidding me? Swastika.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. That’s familiar. It looks like a logo. Is that what they came up with for Trump-Pence 2020? Look at those lines. They’re very strong. Balanced. Graceful, beautiful powerful lines. Sharp angles. I’m gonna say logo.

[Card Two: Otis the dog carrying his own dog food during Hurricane Harvey.]

Betsy DeVos: I see a bear. With a gun. Outside a school.

Taylor Swift: Looks like all of my exes.

Donald Trump: Wow, I see a lot of things. It makes me think of Missouri and the huge vote totals I had there. Also this great book I pretended to read that trashed Black Lives Matter, but also how Mexico is going to pay for the wall and how we should withdraw from NAFTA. So there’s a lot there for me.

[Card Three: The nursing home residents in Texas sitting in waist-high water.]


Taylor Swift: Katy Perry when she’s not performing?

Bernie Sanders: Those elderly residents. I saw a photo. They’re safe now. They got them out.

Donald Trump: Wow, what a storm! Look how high that water is! Have you ever seen water so high? And I’ll bet if they were standing, which I’m sure they can do — they’re just sitting to make it look worse — if they were standing it would still look impressive. This must be the largest storm they’ve ever seen in Texas. All while I was president! Incidentally, I think that criticism Joel Osteen was getting was unfair. And Jared says both Joel and Osteen are Jewish names! Thanks!

[Card Four: Pardoned Sheriff Arpaio]

Paul Ryan: That’s that lawbreaker Arpaio. Pardoning him sets a dangerous precedent.

Bernie Sanders: For once, I agree with my spineless colleague across the aisle.

Donald Trump: I see a sad old man who was just doing his job and could probably do a better job, incidentally, and will do a better job once we arm police forces with military-grade weapons. Nothing says show me your license and registration like a rocket-propelled grenade launcher pointed in your face, believe me. Oh, and the prisoners they complained he put them in tents? My boys love camping. Whenever they’re in Africa to conserve endangered animals by slaughtering them, they go camping. Did you happen to notice my ratings when I pardoned him? If you go ahead with this show, my ratings will be even better. Thanks!


Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.