Joe Root wants his men to stand up. Well, bugger that! If the Poms want to do that, all we have to do is play cricket like it’s a game of musical chairs.

Matthew, you showed in Pune just how quickly you can sit down when you need to, and I didn’t even want you to sit down then. But it’ll be perfect now. James Anderson and Stuart Broad won’t be expecting to face someone on their bum, bumping not just bouncers but every ball over the slip cordon. Actually, don’t bother with that. Just steer it in the direction of the slip cordon. We saw when they played the Windies, they probably won’t catch it anyway.

David. David. Pay attention, David! You know what you’re doing with those sweeps of yours, so you’ll spend the Ashes on one knee. Think of it like this: sweeps are really just marriage proposals for the directionally challenged. You propose to mid off, think “nah, he’s not for me”, and rapidly readjust to a propositioning of the square-leg umpire.

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Fully aware of the laws concerning same-sex marriage in Australia, he will wave you off, but in the process give you four runs. And if you play a reverse sweep this summer, James Vince might be the man at point. The English selectors have already declared their love for him, but you might get lucky.

Usman. Please stop talking to journalists. Thank you. But remain on your bottom. Um, you’re great in Australia, so that’s all I have to say to you.

Peter, you showed in Chittagong what you’ll put your body through for this team when you’re standing up. Well, this time, the boss will give you a gong for sitting down. Think of it as the Paul Collingwood except that, even if there is a nuclear apocalypse, you will play at least five Tests against England. And you don’t need your feet against Moeen Ali. As Kevin Pieterson says, he’s only half the bowler Graeme Swann is, so you’ll only need half your body.

Everything below the crown jewels is to be temporarily donated to the Cricket Australia Division for the Running of Sheffield Shield Cricket and all of their state affiliates, in order to keep ’em busy for a few months when we’re busy playing international cricket again and to allow Ed White and Cameron Cowan back into the Victorian Blues and the New South Wales Bushrangers. Think I’ve got that right.

Maxi. I want you to do more of those blogs. You don’t need to stand up for those. I also want you to discuss this series with Dan Liebke. Between the two of you, you should be able to come up with a whole new technique for batsmen who refuse to leave their arses.

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Matthew. You have the most difficult job of all. Quite how you’re going to keep on your bottom is a mystery, but you are the best for it, for two reasons.

One, you must have had your fair share of detentions as a boy if you spoke to teachers the same way you talk to the people who are now your opposition, and I’m a Dutchman if you didn’t spend a fair amount of that time daydreaming that you were wicketkeeping for Australia. And don’t look at me like that. I’m sure that you were always on your feet in those dreams, but you weren’t in the real world. I’m trying to throw you a bone here.

Two, someone, somewhere, will criticise your keeping, whether you are doing that keeping standing up, sitting down or lying on your back.

Mitchell, nice to see you again. This should fit well into your rehabilitation. Freed from the burden of having to actually run in, this series should be your plaything. I expect 40 wickets. And 40 bucks for a ticket to hear me read out a chapter of my next book, “The Romance Of Not Being An Attorney: Why You Should Have Bought John Grisham’s Latest Book As Well As My Autobiography.”

Pat, you’ve slipped after bowling a ball before, so this should be right up your alley. But nonetheless, I’ll give you a pep rally. You are about to enter the Simon Jones and Ryan Harris Club For ‘The Bowlers Who Are Or Were Freakishly Talented But Got Injured Far Too Often That Played In At Least One Ashes Series.’

Garry, for saving our hides in Bangladesh, I wanted to let you put your feet up for the rest of this year. It was why I didn’t bowl you in the first innings against (rapidly consults a sheet of paper) against South Australia. Now, I can let you put your feet up and pick you in the Ashes.

This is where the Fast Bowling Cartel has a very important job. They’re going to tickle your tummy when you’re bowling, so cricket fans all over the world are treated to the sight of you bowling while laughing your head off, with both feet dangling off the ground. Needless to say, I still expect you to bowl a length.

Josh, like Mitchell, this sudden change of tactics works to your benefit in regards to your rehabilitation. You can still sway side to side in a seated position. And I still expect the wicket of Joe Root from you.

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