Don’t Mess With Anyone Who Can Control the Weather

Man, we are a powerful lot, we gays.

First we control the weather, having caused Hurricane Sandy, Hurricane Isaac, and Hurricane Katrina. And let’s face it, who do you know who can control the weather?

And now, we control straight guys’ libidos. (I wish.)

Here’s a retired general who works for the officially-designated “hate group,” the Family Research Council (FRC):

GENERAL BOYKIN: What you’re seeing is, you’re seeing a declining morality in our military. I would tell you, Tony, that I believe that that is very deliberate. I think the military has been targeted by the left. I think it’s been targeted, ah, largely by the gay and lesbian lobby, ah, but also by other elements of the left to bring the military down because the military has been a bastion of morality and ethics. It’s been the anchor of our society for a very long time and you can’t change our society completely until you lower the, ah, standards of the military and bring them down. That is what we’re seeing here. TONY PERKINS: So General, let me be clear. The, what we see here, this rash of general officers that have been brought down through scandal, sex scandal, you believe this is a reflection of a declining moral standard within the military as a whole. GENERAL BOYKIN: I do think that is the case, Tony. I think that this is, ah, concrete evidence.

Did we cause Tailhook too?

Sorry, but if gay men had the ability to control the sex lives of straight military guys, the porn industry would have gone out of business decades ago. (And I’d be a lot busier evenings and weekends.)

Boynkin Like Bunnies

But taking the good general at his word, how exactly does it all work, this magic gay pixie dust?

Some gay guy wants to go on on missions to kill the Taliban in Afghanistan, and that somehow makes straight guys really horny – but not horny for their wives, or horny for other guys, but horny for their biographers?

Is that how it works for you, General Boykin? Do I make you feel special? Or should I say, “General Boynkin”?

And is that how it worked for General Petraeus? He got all hot and bothered by all those buff gay Navy SEALS who took out bin Laden, so he decided to go boynkin Paul Broadwell? Really?

Far be it for me to claim any expertise on what turns straight guys on, but they sure seem to have strange sex lives if a gay guy wanting to die for his country makes them frisky for girls.

Then again, we always knew straights guys had odd sex lives – well, at least the “straight” guys who inhabit the twisted world of the religious right (and I’m still not convinced that many men at the highest levels of the religious right are actually straight – most of them set off my gaydar). After all, the FRC types have told us for years that the other big turn on for straight Americans is gay guys (and lesbians too) settling down and getting married. Which is funny, since getting married usually kills a guy’s sex life, from what I’m told.

But au contraire. All that gay nesting just makes those religious right types want to get up and leave their wives for an Indian, a policeman, a cowboy, a construction worker, a leatherman, or a biographer.