Aw kids.

So cute, so cuddly, so fun and friendly.

No, hang on, that’s dogs. I’m thinking of dogs.


Kids, on the other hand are all kinds of trouble and fuss which is why many of us have always known they’re just not for us.

Here’s 12 things you only know if you don’t want kids.

1. A lot of people will assume that, because you don’t have kids, you must hate kids

No, I love being an aunty. And what I particularly love about it is pretending to be a dinosaur all day, then going home when 5pm aka tantrum time rolls around.



2. A lot of people will assume that, because you don’t have kids, you want kids

‘Don’t worry, there’s still time’ *bashes face into wedding breakfast*.

3. Some people will never, ever understand

Don’t even bother. You may as well try to explain the theory of relativity to a packet of liquorice allsorts.

4. Some people will always pity you

Which is annoying, especially because these people can never sense you pity them for not being able to have a threesome, move to St Lucia on a whim or spend the whole weekend eating baked camembert.

5. Your home can be as messy or as pristine as you like

And, what’s more, it will stay that way.

6. You home can be as full of shiny, expensive and extravagent gadgets as you like

It can if you have kids too, if you like ketchup hand print decor.

What’s wrong with loving clothes, shoes, cars and worshipping at the altar of the Material Girl?

The economy would basically die without you. Have a pat on the back.

7. You give all the best christening / kids’ birthday presents

Without kids to food / clothe / house you have money left over at the end of the month to treat friends’ kids.

Would your mate be so keen for you to have a child if she realised it meant crappy gifts for her child?

8. There’s a whole load of stress you never have to have

Catchment areas, not being able to leave the house without booking a babysitter the day before, headlice, holidays at peak times, the need to magically develop something that starts off looking like a potato with eyes into a kind, mature, socially responsible member of the planet.

9. Some people will always suspect you physically can’t have kids

Despite the fact that, if you hadn’t spent so much money on prophylactics over the years you could have bought a small flat by now.

10. The word ‘selfish’

Cue argument about what’s more selfish – denying your mum grandchildren or helping the world’s population stay within manageable amounts.

11. The mummy cult

Many new mums are keen for you to join.



What’s more, despite all babies being the same, if you hold theirs you’ll suddenly want to abandon your lifestyle for one of no sleep, nappy changes, insane amounts of housework, sick, compromises, expense, bodily devastation and responsibility, right?

12. What it’s like to have an entire pancake from the crepe stall in the market

Because you don’t have to automatically share it with your kid.

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