SEATTLE—Celebrating the motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology, Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person. “We’re excited to announce that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster thanks to Amazon Flog, a simple but effective pain-based solution that stimulates couriers into picking up the pace,” said spokesperson Linda Fowler, outlining how users can choose between the basic 99-cent Single-Tail Lash and premium $2.99 Multi-Tail Lash on every shipping drop-down menu. “To further expedite the process, consumers will be able to successively select ‘Beat My Laborer With A Switch Again’ as many times as needed and, of course, track the number of bloody gashes on their delivery person’s back at any point during the low-wage worker’s journey. Naturally, Prime members will also be able to choose between belting, spanking, paddling, or caning.” Fowler added that, as always, customers who are unsatisfied with the condition or contents package are free to beat their delivery person.

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