BumbleBeeBoogie Reply A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.



The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'



'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'



The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.



'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.



'Same,' says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?



'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'



'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.



The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'



The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'





rosborne979

3 Reply A man walks into a bar and sits down. The man has a little 1 foot tall man sitting on his shoulder playing a little piano. The bartender says, "ok, I have to know the story behind this". The may says, "well, I found this lamp with a genie in it and got three wishes. My first wish was to be independently wealthy. My second wish was to live a long and happy life". The bartender says, "so... what was your third wish?". The man says, "come on buddy, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch "pianist" do you?"



0 Replies

neologist

1 Reply @BumbleBeeBoogie,

1 Reply

cjhsa

1 Reply @neologist,

A blind man walks into a bar and says "OUCH!". A blind man walks into a bar and says "OUCH!". 0 Replies

blueveinedthrobber

1 Reply A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer, a mop and a bucket". 0 Replies

blueveinedthrobber

2 Reply two jews walk into a bar........they buy it. 0 Replies

blueveinedthrobber

2 Reply a baby seal walks into a bar.... bartender asks "What can I get you"?



baby seal answers.... "anything but a canadian club" 1 Reply

slpdave

2 Reply 2 strings walk into a bar and sit down, but never get served.

String 1, goes up to the bartender and says "2 beers please, 1 for me and one for my buddy"

The bartender looks at string 1 and says, "I am sorry but we don't server strings here."

String 1 goes back to the table and sits down looking upset. Sting 2 asks "What's the problem?" String 1 says "They don't serve strings here."

At this point string 2 get really upset and ties himself into a big knot. he then pulls his fibres all apart until he is frayed terribly. String 2 then walks up to the bar and says "I WANT 2 BEERS NOW!!"

The bartender looks at him and questions "Are you a string?"



String to looks calmly at the bartender and says "no, I am afraid not" 0 Replies

Setanta

2 Reply A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor rolls his eyes and says: "OK, this should be good . . . what's your problem, Buddy?"



And the duck says: "Get this guy off my ass, Doc." 0 Replies

romeovictor

3 Reply @BumbleBeeBoogie,

A duck waddles into a bar and asks, "Have any grapes?"



The bartender calmly replies, "No," and the duck waddles out.



The next day, the duck waddles in and asks, "Have any grapes?"



The bartender looks at the duck, and says, "Nope. Not today either, " and the the duck waddles out.



The next day the duck waddles in and asks the same question. The bartender glares at the duck and says, "No, this is a bar. We normally don't have grapes here."



The duck replies, "Oh, I see. Thank you," and waddles out.



The next day the duck waddles in and looks at the bartender. The bartender glares back at the duck. The duck then opens his bill and asks, "Have any grapes?"



The bartender is now really angry and explodes, "Look! We don't have any grapes here! If you come in again and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor! Got it?"



The duck replies, "Got it," and waddles out.



The next day was Sunday, and the bar was closed, but, on Monday, the duck waddles in.



The bartender looks warily at the duck and through tense lips asks, "Can I help you?"



After a pause, the duck enquires, "Have any nails?"



The bartender taken aback replies, "Uh, no. No, we don't have any nails."



The duck asks, "Well, do you have any grapes?" A duck waddles into a bar and asks, "Have any grapes?"The bartender calmly replies, "No," and the duck waddles out.The next day, the duck waddles in and asks, "Have any grapes?"The bartender looks at the duck, and says, "Nope. Not today either, " and the the duck waddles out.The next day the duck waddles in and asks the same question. The bartender glares at the duck and says, "No, this is a bar. We normally don't have grapes here."The duck replies, "Oh, I see. Thank you," and waddles out.The next day the duck waddles in and looks at the bartender. The bartender glares back at the duck. The duck then opens his bill and asks, "Have any grapes?"The bartender is now really angry and explodes, "Look! We don't have any grapes here! If you come in again and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor! Got it?"The duck replies, "Got it," and waddles out.The next day was Sunday, and the bar was closed, but, on Monday, the duck waddles in.The bartender looks warily at the duck and through tense lips asks, "Can I help you?"After a pause, the duck enquires, "Have any nails?"The bartender taken aback replies, "Uh, no. No, we don't have any nails."The duck asks, "Well, do you have any grapes?" 1 Reply

Benrow77

2 Reply Two guys are out taking their dogs for a walk and stroll past the neighborhood watering hole.



The first guy suggests they stop in for a quick drink before heading back home.



The second guy points out the obvious, no bar is going to let dogs in so they might as well forget it and head back home.



The first guy says, "Wait here a minute, then follow my lead."



After the first guy makes it into the bar without incident, the second guy follows suit.



When challenged by the door man the second guy says, "I am blind and this is my seeing-eye dog."



The door man incredulously replies, "You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?"



To which the second guy answers, "They gave me a Chihuahua?" 0 Replies

Robert Gentel

1 Reply Well hello stumbleupon (tens of thousands of you guys have come to this thread in the last few days)!



Try not to laugh so hard that you break our servers. And have a look around, there's a lot of other stuff to read. 0 Replies

slpdave

2 Reply A termite walks in a bar and say "Is the bartender?" 0 Replies

sngwrytr

2 Reply The sesame street bus driver makes his first stop of the day and picks up two overweight girls Patty and Patty...they get on and sit quietly in the middle of the bus. At the next stop the bus driver picks up a special needs young man named Ross. He sits peacefully in the front of the bus. Thirdly the bus stops and a filthy old man named Lester Cheese, in need of a shower, gets on. Lester proceeds to take off his shoes and clean between his toes and flings the toe jam at Patty and Patty. They can't take it and complain to the driver. The driver laughs so hard he stops the bus and falls out of his drivers seat rolling in the aisle. Patty and Patty are quite upset and want know what is so funny.



The driver says, "Look what I've got here,...Two Obese Patties...Special Ross...Lester Cheese pickin' his toes on the Sesame Street bus." . 3 Replies

good joke

1 Reply @sngwrytr,

Lester was actually picking his bunions. Lester was actually picking his bunions. 0 Replies

Mr Stillwater

1 Reply A corn stalk walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?"



The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"



0 Replies

areoneoh

1 Reply @blueveinedthrobber,

ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha ha! 0 Replies

sngwrytr

1 Reply RE good joke ...thanks I knew the onions were in there but the joke is so old I forgot...I tell it at the drive-up every chance I get 0 Replies

dlowan

1 Reply @BumbleBeeBoogie,

THAT is the bowdlerized version. THAT is the bowdlerized version. 0 Replies