[Editor’s note: if you haven’t noticed already, this is not to be taken seriously]

For those of you who thought LeBron James joining the Los Angeles Lakers was going to be the biggest news of this week, you were gravely mistaken. In fact, that was only the beginning of the madness.

DeMarcus Cousins then shocked the basketball world by joining the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors, making the rich even richer. Cousins wants to get his first championship ring, and he’s on the right team to do it. As it turns out, other players are beginning to follow his example.

Unfortunately for New England Patriots fans, they have seen the last of their beloved quarterback Tom Brady, because he as well has decided to join the Warriors with the hopes of winning one more championship ring. Sources say that Brady, soon to be 41 years old, has cleverly found a way to opt out of his existing contract with the Patriots, and he will sign a one-year deal with the Warriors, according to sources.

He hopes to win his sixth professional sports championship next year, after which he plans to officially retire as an athlete. There were reports a few weeks ago saying that Brady planned on retiring “sooner rather than later” but we weren’t sure exactly what he meant by that. At last, his plans have come to light.

“I think the Patriots are going to have a great team next year, but this is just something I have to do for me,” Brady said. “I’ve had a very long career as a professional athlete. I’ve been fortunate enough to win five Super Bowl titles. But I want to end my career with a bang, and I couldn’t imagine a better way to do that than to win an NBA championship.”

Other notable figures that have announced their plans to join the Warriors in free agency are Bryce Harper, Roman Reigns, Justin Timberlake, and Kobe Bryant, who is coming out of retirement to do so. The NBA will also be making adjustments to its playoff format, and instead of a 16-team tournament, the other 15 teams that qualify for the playoffs will compete in an Over-The-Top-Rope Battle Royal for the right to meet the Warriors in the NBA Finals.