At 8:01 a.m. on Tuesday, Bell Media issued a press release. This was the main assertion:

"Bell Media confirmed today the Top 10 most-watched English-language Canadian specialty channels of the year. The full-day snapshot of specialty performance over the past year among key selling demos positions TSN once again as the most-watched specialty channel in the country."

Right. TSN is Number One. Yay! Around 8:13 a.m. on Tuesday, there then came my way a breathless release from Rogers. "Sportsnet is Now the #1 Sports Brand on TV in Canada" is the gist.

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I scanned the numbers. This gave me a severe headache, which I could have done without at 8 a.m. The announcements were about "Share 2+" and "AMA 2+" – the upshot from Rogers being a claim that Sportsnet had just barely edged out TSN for top-spot sports broadcaster in Canada. Sportsnet is number one. Yay!

You could not make up this stuff. How could both announcements be true? Well, it's all bluster.

That's what Canadian commercial TV amounts to – bluster, big boasts and battling press releases. It's Upfront week in Canadian commercial TV and Rogers, Shaw and CTV/Bell Media are busy boasting about their acquisitions and alleged triumphs.

Fact is, there is more creativity and ingenuity in the press releases than in the matters of creating shows, casting them, scheduling and positioning them. This is one of those times when the ludicrous quality of Canadian commercial TV is on full display. Shamelessly.

Take Global, owned by Shaw. Now here's a biggie – Global steps into the late-night talk show racket by acquiring The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. If you follow the Canadian TV racket closely, this is, like, huge, because CTV/Bell Media has been scooping up all the late-night shows in recent years, for Comedy Network and the main CTV network. High-fives at Global. One imagines.

Mind you, it was Rogers that held the Canadian rights to The Late Show with David Letterman and it was Rogers which duly parked it on its OMNI channels. Did Rogers try to get the Colbert show, with a plan to park it on OMNI and Colbert's people or CBS said, " Go away to heck with your OMNI, this is big-time TV."

And, on the subject of OMNI, that was where Rogers judiciously parked the Fox series Empire last season. Only the most sensational hit of the year in U.S. network TV, Empire is a soap opera set in the world of hip-hop music. Why did Rogers initially park Empire on OMNI in Canada? Well, you go figure. In the coming season, Empire goes into regular rotation on City channels.

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While figuring, take note that Rogers tends to be big on single-white-lady shows, including hits 2 Broke Girls and New Girl, plus that cannot-be-killed reality franchise, The Bachelorette. Empire might have looked odd in that company. In fairness, Rogers is putting the fourth season of The Mindy Project on real TV here in Canada while it goes onto some online thingamajig in the United States.

Meanwhile, Global is pleased as punch to deliver the super-buzzed-about show Supergirl, starring Melissa Benoist as the DC Comics superhero. It airs on CBS in the United States. What machinations are at work here?

If you track the intricacies of Canadian TV channels buying U.S. shows, you will know that CTV/Bell Media has snagged a lot of fantasy/superhero/comic book series. Such as Gotham and Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Could it be that Global has, like, a special relationship with CBS? Such intrigue is the meat and drink of a lot of Canadian TV coverage. Heaven help us all.

A year ago, in the context of the Canadian commercial TV Upfronts, all the talk was hockey, hockey, hockey. Rogers had paid billions for NHL rights and as a result was trimming back its acquisition of new U.S. comedies and dramas. That's over. Hockey didn't prove as lucrative as expected.

So there you have the real upshot – nobody has a clue what works and what doesn't. You want creativity, sass, sizzle and truly entertaining? Go read the battling press releases. They're a hoot. And original Canadian content, too.