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Countless studies support the benefits of a deliberate gratitude practice. But like other potent interventions for increasing well-being, the practice of gratitude is complicated. It does not induce sunshine and rainbows in every context, and—especially when there’s pressure to “be grateful”—it can even undermine happiness.

Why now?

Isn’t this the worst time of year to discount gratitude practice? Well, as coaches (Sarah is a psychotherapist, and Andrew is a researcher), we are keenly aware of the spike in depression and anxiety around the holidays. Feeling grateful is just about always positive. But when we are feeling down, the act of trying to feel grateful, or being told we “should” feel grateful, often has the opposite effect.

The gratitude dialectic

Here are two seemingly opposing truths about intentionally practicing gratitude:

In certain contexts, practicing gratitude can diminish well-being.

When gratitude grates

Here are four factors that can transform gratitude into a trigger for unhappiness:

Gratitude pushing

Not only do people cringe at being told what to do, sometimes people do not want to hear how lucky they are, because it feels dismissive of the effort behind their achievements. As Cornell researcher Dr. Tom Gilovich shared on the podcast Freakonomics:

If you tell people how lucky they are, they don’t like that. They guard against it. They’re like, ‘Wait. Who are you? You’re diminishing my achievements.’ But if you ask people, ‘How has luck played a role in your life?’ People can get in touch with their tailwinds, or how lucky they are. So it really suggests an ask-don’t-tell policy when it comes to either luck or [a] particular type of tailwind

Social comparison

There’s a lot of truth in Theodore Roosevelt’s oft-quoted, “comparison is the thief of joy.” But ceasing comparison is easier said than done. A prompt toward gratitude, whether we like it or not, can trigger social comparison, quickly cutting down any feeling that you have a lot to be thankful for.

Culture

One study on the cross-cultural impacts of gratitude found that for people from more collectivistic (vs individualistic) societies, gratitude practices may simultaneously induce feelings of indebtedness and guilt.

State of mind

Research suggests gratitude exercises may trigger the “inner critic” in individuals experiencing anxiety or depression. In a 2017 analysis, researchers found individuals with symptoms of depression sometimes felt indebted, guilty, or “like a failure” when they were not able to find something to be grateful for. Those who did list something they were grateful for were also prone to the “dark side of gratitude.” For instance, upon recalling a time when they received generous financial support, a participant shared, “I felt happy because it relieved some pressure on us, but I was also ashamed because I had to ask for help.”

Three practices to try instead

If you find yourself wanting to throw your gratitude journal in the blazing hearth this season, now you can at least know you are not alone. Here are three practices to try instead that are fit for gratitude evangelists and skeptics alike.