And the only reason we only get anything done in this country, is that, you wanna be proud of it, and build up to the neighbors, and if the opiate schleps all that away, and the guy goes, the top comment he'll come up with, the guy who builds the building, is "Hey that's cool.." and that's it. So it's no good. It's no good for everybody, and that's why it's out. But that's…the Source is no good. That's where it goes right to the source. But dangerous drugs, the connection is Park-Lilly . It's Olin Mathieson . The source is not bad for the people, so the only difference between the felon is the guy who can't afford a prescription. So they legislate against poor people, which is really schmucky. Marijuana…I don't smoke shit, I'm really glad that I don't smoke it, I'm really gonna…in five years it'll be legal. But then no one will smoke it anymore, you'll see. Most of the law students I know smoke marijuana, that's why it'll be legal. Yeah. You know what I'd like to investigate? Zig-Zag Rolling Papers…Yeah, bring the company up on that. Now we have this report Mr. Zig Zag, certainly it must've been unusual to you that Zig Zag papers have been in business for 16 years and Bugle tobacco has been out of business for five years. This committee comes to the conclusion that the people are using your Zig Zag cigarette papers to roll marijuana tobacco in it . Aww, shit, that's right. Lot's of it. Rolling it and smoking it. You know, I really felt sorry for that cat, what was his name, Wallen…. Grand Kleagle cause it's a repeat of the Communist witch hunt. The fact that the Ku Klux Klan, one guy lynched people, that means that anyone who ever belonged to it and knows about it lynched people, which is bullshit. So what they do, and it's really….when your ass is on the pan like that I'm sure it's really frightening, especially when they take you…did, they didn't…where did they hold that investigation? Oh, that's really outrageous then, cause they can't do that, it has to be in the district, he has to be tried by his peers, no matter what, in his district. Because when you take him out of his district, there's one trauma, cause you take him in a whole different geography, and Southerners are, they're people of the Earth, they don't…they're…it's a different country. Religious people, and the talk is different then North, and they're rappin' questions at him, and he like hears one out of every ten words. And he just, is really frightened, just… Dig those schmucks, they're pissed off - "You're really not real Ku Klux Klan, you're not spending the money on rope. You're having good times with it." Is that ridiculous? This poor cat didn't want to admit that he was an American citizen. He kept saying I refuse, I refuse, I decline, and that asshole Time magazine, really make always make it seem shabby, the Fifth Amendment . he declined so many times, he mumbled it, and declined, declined. naturally the cat didn't want to admit anything cause the last time he admitted anything at the Constitutional Convention the carpet baggers screwed his grandaddy ass, that was it, bye-bye, so he's very weary and wary of the North, because he knows it's a whole different scene. And it's amazing that the Southerner, has no hostility for the Negro, the same way as the court has no hostility for me, they have the hostility for the people that defend me. That's why they yell all that shit/play drop the nigger, to bug them. So it's the banner fighting between those two people. Oh. Lotta dues. Lyndon Johnson , they didn't let him talk for the first six months. It took him six months to learn how to say knee-grow. Nig-ger-oh. Ok, let's hear it one more time Lyndon, now…ok, let him pose again, ok..neig-ar-oh…no…can't you say, look, say it quick, knee-gro! like that. Nigger-oh-oh nigger-oh…I can't help it! i can't say it that's all! I can't say nigger-oh, pissin' in bed and everything, stuttering, I cayn't, what the hell, big niggro-oh nahg-raw…let me show em a scar…no no no. Just say it, and say it, that's it…yeah, he's completely confused. Well, really, that family is so…that's really…there's a certain kind of non-Jewish look, that, they could pass any test. They are the biggest non-Jews in the world. No question they walk right through the line. The wife with the white flannel satchel, a zipper up the front, with red nail polish…she's beautiful. She looks at home in a trailer park. Yeah. Dig. There's…here, it's so strange. Not the people necessarily involved with the religion but the religion itself, Catholicism. A genius religion. Three years ago I was wondering, I used to do a bit, four years ago, Religions Incorporated, so my view at that time was here's a rich church, Catholicism, next door is poverty, so it's hypocrisy. Obvious view, So I started digging, digging, reading really getting into it, and I realized, the reason for the baroque Church, the grand Church in the poverty neighborhood, is that, what the Church is is a school, it's a method of instruction. And people who have no understanding, who need instruction, don't know about Philosophy, they can only understand material things. So a raggedy ass guy won't go into a raggedy ass temple. "I live in a shithouse, why'd I gotta go in one for?" But if you show him something nice he can understand then you can instruct him. So the ecumenical council really are geniuses and they make some tremendous moves. So I figure there's a group looks to undermind them. Somebody talked Lyndon Johnson's daughter into converting. That sent the religion back two-thousand years. That dress she had on, she looked like a Guatamalen slave. Real Philomena at the wedding there, with it's, terrible, looked like a National Geographic picture. He's-uh…yeah he's it's…showin' his scar is beautiful, that's just-uh, that's just where it's at, he's a shit kicker. He's just a….Yeah, it's a…it was a mistake. Yeah, cause the presidency is a very sophist….Kennedy was just, yeah just a genius at organization, a sophisticated man, and sophistication just means knowledge, learning a lot of background there. And the other guy is, uh….I'd like to get some tapes of those people, what goes on…yeah, that would really be a treat to hear them. I was just thinking of the guy, you know the picture of Oswald when he got shot. That's Lyndon Johnson's relationed face to the other guy, with the big, you know that guy with the hat on? Like a big Texan, "Oh Shit". To be that obvious, to be able to react, "OHHH EAAHHHUH". Check out that practice, so you don't get yelled at. "UHHHH UH EAAAHHHUH" You know, why Ruby did it, uh, this is subjective, but….cause he was Jewish, and uh….You know I really wanna…I'd really like to tell you that, I wanna tell Christians that…that….Why I can tell it to you because it's all over now, ya know. I wouldn't cop out when it was going on, but it's, it is all over now. Up to about six-seven years ago there was such a difference between Christians and Jews that, but maybe you did know. But…you…shewww…forget about it, just a line there that was just…And the brotherhood of Christians and Jews was like some fifth column bullshit, I dunno, it was like a phony dummy board. Yeah, because…No, I don't think so, I don't think the Christians did know it, because only the group that's involved…it's like the defense council knows it because he has a narrow view, where the D.A., he's hung up with a bigger practice, so it's the same with the Jew is hung up with his shit and maybe the Christian…because, uh, when the Christians say, "Oh is he Jewish? I didn't know, I can't tell when someone's Jewish" I say well that's bullshit. But he….can't, because he never got hung up with that shit, you now, who is he Jewish, and Jews are very hung up with that all the time. Why Ruby did it, see…when I was a kid I had a tremendous hostility for Christians my age, the reason I had the hostility is that I had no balls for fighting, and they could duke. So I disliked them for it, but I admired them for it and there was a tremendous ambivalence all the time of admiring somebody who could do that, you know, and then disliking them for it, and the neighborhood that I came from, there were a lot of Jews so the problem, there wasn't a big big problem, and my elders were not concerned with punching. But Ruby came from Texas, and a Jew in Texas is a tailor. What went on in his mind, I'm sure…."If I kill a guy that killed the President, the Christians will go 'Shewww…boy what Balls he had! We always thought the Jews were chicken shit but look at that. A Jewish Billy the Kid rode out of the West!'" And the Christians will hug him and kiss him, and love him, and boy they'll say 'Oh boy he saved everybody'. But he didn't know that it was just a fantasy….from his grandmother, telling him about the Christians, who punch everybody. Even the shot was Jewish, the way he held the gun, it was a dopey Jewish way. Ha ha! Real d'Artagnan . He probably went 'nah' too, that means "there" in Jewish, "nah. Nah" Yeah, it's…and Belli didn't um…he forgot the geography. No, it's the same kind of law, it really is in the words, you just have to speak them slower in that area and you have to dress…there's just a few kinda changes, but they don't change the substance of the law, it's like, as good a case as I can have with you, if I pick my nose, although it's not dishonest, it's just gonna lose it, ya know. So Belli didn't wear the right suit, because anybody who's suit fits em good in the South looks like a damn pimp. And he should have known that but the fact that he was offended with the judge chewing tobacco, see, cause that's the natural thing down there. There was like a dopey picture I saw going around and it said "This is your local Police Department" and it showed some kinda cops in a Southern place, and they were laughing and the guy, oh, smoking a cigar, that's was it. But that's just the behavior in the Southern court, and the fact that everyone was laughing they don't know that Southerners are just…they're child-like in that area, they're not sophisticated with picture taking. They see a picture, you smile. That's why they're always smiling in the pictures , they're not arrogant, but they're just, you're supposed to smile when you take a picture. And the Northerners are just hipper, they do the cool…So Belli trying to sell those jurors anything, the voir dire must have just broke their balls, you know. That qualifying must have really got 'em good and crazy, you know you have two days to…whadda ya….yeah any attorneys here forget that, the…If I was an attorney I would grab the…here is here'll be my pitch to the jury. First place, no qualifying, I pick… no challenges at all. First jurors come up, there the jurors. "You jurors, you people think a lot of the community because you vote, and that's why you're jurors. Give'em all a hundred bucks a piece and get 'em laid, and that's it." I'd be a terrible Law Professor, "What'd he say at the end there?" "Give'em a hundred bucks and get 'em laid." "Professor, can we talk to ya…the conclusion that you made there, give 'em a hundred bucks and get 'em laid" "Yeah, yeah get 'em laid, it all counts." "But that don't fit with the beginning of the conversation." "Well it's all bullshit, you gotta figure round." "Ah, he's bottled out, get him.." Yeah, Belli talking to those people, he sounded to that jury like the Southern attorney would sound to Greek-Irish-Italian Northern jurors. "Look here now Jurors, I like Italian people, that's first off, I see we got some Italian people here by the…I'm gonna take you, a little story now, this buck nigger and this Jew boy wahhhhhh! "What'd the hell everybody get so hot for?" "Just shut up, don't say anymore." "What'd I say, it's a cute story, everybody gets a kick out of it." "No they don't, just shut up….I can't explain it. You look South, you're hairs wet, I don't now what it is. Just dummy up, that's all." uh-huh….Faggots….Dig, isn't the argument against pornography that, what the pornog--selling the pornography, making it available to the public, is that the man is happily married, or he's just a happy cat, and you come along now with some matter that the main thrust of the matter, the predominate appeal is to his prurient interest, and what you're doing is entrapping him, you're inciting him, something that the guy wouldn't be thinking about ordinarily, you're getting him horny. You're getting it up, and you're not getting it off, and you're creating a clear and present danger and it's worthless…and so that's the objection to it, and that's a valid objection. But the consistency necessarily follows that the guy who--when I hear about faggots who get arrested in toilets, and I say, "How'd you get arrested in a toilet?" "Well, I accosted a peace officer ." Well, ha-ha, that's certainly no concept of reality there. "Well I didn't know he was a peace officer." "Whaddaya mean?" "Well, he didn't have a uniform on." "Well he wasn't wearing a costume was he? He wasn't wearing a low-cut gown, because what a low cut gown to a faggot must be is tight Levi's and a padded basket , like uh…I mean, he wasn't wearing Levi's and leaning up against the urinal like sultry like that…cause if he was that's bullshit. Because he was appealing to your prurient interest, and entrapping you. You can't do that. It's a funny thing all the different stages that we've all…my generation was, well…me, I'm amazed by any guy who can go into a public toilet and do anything but piss and leave. Guys who can wash their hands are amazing to me. I just go ehuhehuhwwwshhhupout. Don't 'I want to talk to you' "Not in there, are you kidding?" Yeah, cause if someone says, "What are you doing in the toilet?" "I don't know…" "The hell are you doing in there? Did you make?" "Yeah, I did it…" "Alright, now hang around here, okay.." So I saw, dig what I saw, a beautiful change. I went to… Phil Spector had like a big rock & roll jamboree at Tammi's , filming it, so I went there and I see this ten year old kids there all kids, like nine and ten years old, with no parents. So my first thought was like, what the hell, unattended, but I saw it's like a whole different generation, everything was very cool. Nine and ten year old kids! It's ten o'clock, eleven o'clock at night…My generation, children out at night, lurking in the bushes….I would never have the nerve to talk to any strange chick. She's a really beautiful chick, I'd never have the nerve to hit on her. In a house, somebody introduce, solid. But guys who can like drive past in cars and go hello even, the reason I have never had the nerve is that my mother and my aunt, the way they reacted to guys, the way they told me, everyday they would come home and tell me stories about some guy that was behind the bushes exposing himself. There was a band of dedicated perverts who spent their whole life in trick positions…"Ok jim, whoo-hoo hello lady there, eh bup-bup the bushes there, ok aging seven you've got your position by the book, eh the newspaper, you flash, the hat, ok…you-hoo here we are here! Find the schmuck in the bush. Yeah. invidious discrimination. All waiting for them. So I know what everything is. I said "Nema, you've got the market cornered! We'll film these guys, I mean they're amazing how they…the elevator doors open up "Whoo-hoo here we are!" How do, when they separate my mother and my aunt, one's running and so and heh, and pocketbooks, and they're ready, boy. That pocketbook. I figured that after all these years they were really bullshit stories, like little guys always telling about, "And I said you big prick you." Those little guys will always tell you about they knocked the shit outta this big guy, so it's my mother and my aunt telling me this nonsense story about a pocketbook 'and I give a hamayoupow." Maybe that was a dopey lie, telling me they were good women everyday, right. Missed a guy, and I give em a good pocketbook, a dopey big black pocketbook at everybody. With a good parrot scream byeahhh!! Eh-heh! I know my aunt never did it to anybody. Ever. I just know it, I know I know I know. She was bald. My aunt was bald, the bald headed lady. Little teeny teeny hair. And wrinkled. And a cameo . A little little lady, she was very neat. And go "krinphkrinphkrinph" like that all the time. Krinphkrinph. There aren't those kind of people with tics anymore, someone who go, guys really like, drive across country with those guys you've really had it. Ticcers , heh-ha. They're gone all those. I think midgets are gone. And they're only certain kinds midgets who are real midgets. They're are no Jewish midgets. A true midget is, he's got dirty blond hair, and neat as a pin. Little brown shoes and they're this big. I wonder if….are Pygmies midgets? Colored midgets. Wonder would a colored cat get offended, listen any relation between Pygmies and midgets? Wouldn't Governor Wallace shit? Demonstrating, a bunch of Pygmies. Ahhhhgh! Give em salt, give em salt, that's all, that's a, yeah…yeah, it's really…Little teeny midgets, those kind I'm talking about, they're really patties. And where do they get they're bread from? Who supports them? They don't pay any income tax at all. There's a lot of people screwing our government. So don't be too nice to them. Cause we'll drag you up before the House of Un-American Activities Committee . Just by encouraging them, by omission. It's your duty as a citizen to bust their ass, and demand, "Where are you getting your money from?" They hate to be picked up, they hate that. That's why I hate them, they don't want to be hugged. Heh-heh, I picked one up, see, and he got mad. "Put me down!" "Ok, but you're so cute, I pick ya!" They comb their hair with soap. Bela Lugosi's son is an attorney. Is that weird, he passed the Bar. He must hear those dopey jokes all the time. I loved that, when he got arrested, he was a dope fiend, Bela Lugosi , I almost shit. The Monster. He was the worst advertisement for rehabilitation, he was a dope fiend for seventy years, he cleaned up and dropped dead. The scene is…I was gonna relate him to Christ. Did you read that in the paper? Was it geologists, this is a vague recollection I have of it. That it was the custom at the time, Christ was crucified, for Jewish women to give the people who were about to be crucified a drug that would put them in a death like trance , and that this happened, that Christ's mother gave him the drug, and that he was…that's, wow. That's amazing if that's true. Ruby gets paid back. How the Negro and the Jew got into Show Business. The Negro had a boss that worked him twenty hours a day. So he wanted to get off a couple of hours, and the guy "Get back to work." "I don't feel good today." "Don't mind that bullshit get back to work, back to work." He kept coming up with different gimmicks, "my kid's sick" "back to work." Couldn't--kept trying to come up--how can I "Hmmm hmmm ohhh Lord" "Hey! I didn't know you guys could sing." "Ohh oh Looord ohohhh Lord." "Hey, put the hoe down, come over here, lemme hear that again." "Llooord oh my Lloorrdd" "Can he sing? He sings" "Ohhoh Lloorrdd." "Hey get some wine, this is ok." They partied, and the weeds went over everybody, right? And sang their ass right off the farm. Now the Jew had a hipper boss. You couldn't bullshit the Egyptian that quick. No. Jew kept working at it, working…"Never mind the horseshit, thank you, we've got the pyramids to build and that's where it's at. We're gonna get it up, it takes your generation, next generation, you do a nice workman like job, here." "Oh thank you." "Get outta here with that horseshit, now stop it now. Becoming very fine, very fine." What a gig, right, you know you got another forty years on the job, shewww…what, that's a, shewww…you still can't get a piece of straw through there. So the Jew kept working at being charming, working at it, even though he never carried it off, but he got so good at it that was his expertise. "Hey, let's go watch the Jew be charming. Hey Jew, do that charming bit for us there. We know you're bullshitting, but you do it so good we get a kick out of it. So now the Jew has got theater. He's the actor. He's the charming actor. Now he has the show business industry knocked up. He has the film industry, he controls it, he's writing the pictures, making the images that people are the good people and bad people. Now you never see any Jewish bad guys in movies ever. Ever, ever. And you see a lot of pictures about Christ, a ton of religious pictures. In the most respectful position. And the reason that is, I'm sure, the way of the Jew saying "I'm sorry." That's where it's at. And I wanted to do a film showing, because I'm sure that day in the cell, it's just like, it's in the tank, you know like four, five, six people in the cell there, and there was Gestas, Dismas , and okay they're gonna get crucified, this guy was probably crapped out in the corner, Gestas and uh…"Ok, you two." "What?" "You're gonna get crucified today." "Oh, get my file down here, that's bullshit." "Ok, get ready all you guys, you're all getting crucified in this cell." "Look, I'm the good thief, what are you bullshitting me for, I'm in here for checks!" "C'mon you get ready, you're getting crucified." "Heh-heh, I'm not getting crucified, get my file down here. I'm the good thief, I'm here for petty theft, you understand? Checks. I'm not gonna get crucified now. I don't know what the hell this guy is doing, but, uh, good luck to him." Ok, now he sees their getting them all ready and they're moving him. "Hey! What the hell are you kidding with this shit? I'm not getting crucif--hey, mister, do me a favor, there's a mistake here, they think that I'm with you for some reason here. Christ says, "Don't worry you'll be with me." "C'mon with that, I'm not with you, now tell em, c'mon it's no joke now, we're going up the hill here." He's praying, and everybody's praying and pushing him. "Hey c'mon wit---get the Public Defender. C'mon this is bullshit now!" Now they're up on the cross. "Hey mister, please before it's too late, do me a favor, ok? Tell em?" He says,"Don't worry, you're with me…" "Stop saying that, will you? I'm not with you, ok? I mean I'm with you, I like you, but stop telling these assholes that I'm with you. They think I'm with you means that I'm with you, that I conspired with you, I don't know. Look, don't be pushy, I like you, ok? I don't know what you're talking about, i woke up I'm getting crucified, I'm here for checks, I can't get crucified. I'm being denied due process, I'm entitled to do my time for checks first. And I don't wanna get crucified, I can't go now, ok? I'll meet you later. C'mon, don't be pushy now, okay? Okay, mah? they all went. And the guy came back…"Hey? You're right. I knew you weren't bullshitting, but heh-heh, I had a lot of faith in you, but you meet a lot of weird people in the joint, you know? You relax, I'll talk to the press, that's all. Then he started to wonder about if the Messiah is gonna come back. Moses is hanging it up. They tried to get him back like five times already and he will not come back because he's embarrassed. Charlton Heston is 6'3, he's 5'1. And he's vain. "I can't I'm a schmuck …" "It's what ya got up here" "Nah…I ain't got no clothes anyway, I'll look weird. And I'll get my teeth fixed." "Nah" The Pope is too much. He looks like the Birdman of Alcatraz and Eichman combined, yeah. He waver…"Arrive arrive…" He's really cute, he's a little bird, bloobloobloo….I wonder what was goin' on in his head there. Spellman looks like Shirley Temple . That's what I got in trouble for in New York, for saying that. Heh-heh…but a Priest told me that! That's what burns me up. Ha-ha! That's what really pissed me off. That's a spynce Shirley Temple. Ha! That's funny Shirley Temple, that's good imagery, right? The Post Office. Do you know how much I love the Post Office? I love the Post Man so much. I really feel that's the only place where the authority and the man are one. That's the man, they're incorruptible. I don't know anybody who knows the Post Man's name. They're really snotty man, it's a…who'd have the audacity, "Come on over have a drink, leave the truck there.." I feel that the Post Man, the people that work for the po--and it's amazing, no, there's no, they're maintaining any order there, no police authority, just cool Post Office. There's always a Japanese guy behind the registry window and zaszu…Heh, it's a trick thing to have a treaty, one Jap, one szchupbupup, heh! I know, that they're the true Law, because with the Law, the Law's not concerned with your purpose, with how noble it is. And the Post Man wouldn't let a package go three cents light for the Rabbi's Priest's ass. He won't get off it jim. "Are you kidding you want all those people to die for four cents?" "Sorry, knupk" Who would have the audacity to ever to try to cross that line? "Look I know where the package is.." You kidding me with that? "Open the box up right now, it's mine…" hmm-hm. No one would even say that to him. Even if he had a gun, hmm-hm. There's always a certain kind of wait, always somebody…if I ever heard of a theft at the Post Office I'd die. "What?" "Oh yeah, they opened up the mail and they've been reading letters, and…" "Nyaugch" Like that, Post Office, going through snow and sleet. But they don't like when dog's bite them. That's one thing they won't put up any shit. The dog bites? That's it, we're not delivering anymore mail to you. Dig what balls the Sheriff in Sacramento county had. His dog bit the Post Man, Post Man said no more mail, he said bullshit we'll give you no more protection. Haha-ha. Schluffa they don't need it. They got the stamps hidden. I have a book here I want to show you. Debby is a Nun. It's another trick, a little Lyndon Johnson trick. This is a Bess magazine. What if he catch me reading this shit all the time? "This is your reading material?" "It certainly is. Photoplay , are you kidding?" "You've got guts!" Editorial page, ayda-eda look at the ads, Cutex, World's Most--oh it's all lady kinda ads…Adjustable Dress Form…I didn't finish the story about uh, the Nun story here, lemme find it…there's no more movie stars. Doris Day. Rock Hudson. Why Elvis locked himself in his bedroom for three days. Patty Duke. The few: There's too good to be true, that's the end of the two stories, now the fold out Post Man, heh-heh. Smart. The Study of Art. Hudson. Blew it, there's not an interesting thing, I can't lie to you. Try one more time. Okay, let's see… Dorothy Malone's First Interview After Her Brush With Death. Frozen. Look at that balcony up there…hope none of you guys are doing your usual chicks in the balcony. Don't bring any heat on me, you know. Do your pervert stuff in the newsreel theater, but not…no, ya gotta time and a place you know…..heh. Ok, oh ok, I Increased My…With The Fabulous Mark Eden method I increased my bust measurement from a 34-B to a full 36-D i just eight weeks. They always give you time limits right? Just so you know you got something to look forward to. Ding-boom. Barbara Hayes received her Mark Eden Bust Developer and course on April 1, 1965, on which time her bust measurement was 34-B and eight weeks later n May 20, 1965 her bust had increased to a full and lovely god damn! A lovely 36-D! That bitch is hunchback. But we kept our promise we didn't say it was comin' here somewhere. The Mark Method just builds your back up. This amazing increase--I know that they put--they, the guy that makes the copy for these must know that these are gonna be read in jail because that's the onlybody who's got time to read all of that shit…hah. Just forever and ever and ever. This amazing increase in bust size and contour is achieved solely through the faithful use of the Mark Eden bust developer and of course during that time Barbara was adding these firm and lovely inches to her bustling, her weight did not change, her eating and living habits did not change, the only change she made in her life was to spend a few minutes each day practicing the fabulous Mark Eden method. Her bust line developed in the privacy of her own home. As you can see from her after, in quotes, photo, she has certainly achieved a most attractive, full, and shapely bust line for her efforts. She wants real numbers like that, hunch over, elbows pushing forward there, and standing on her head. Uh, Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer and who through its use, are reporting gains--that's good devious writing. Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer comma and who comma through its use comma are reporting gains of two three four and even more--that one letter we got was tough. She says "You name it, it's not stopping." We get letters from women who were flat chested and now feel like real women for the first time because of Mark Eden…Who are you Mark Eden? A damn rascal, you, hah-hah." Are there any real tits left? Damn your silicone. Are they real? I told you they're real. How will I ever know though? Will you take a lie-detector test that those are your own tits? Yes, I told you. I can't believe, you can't….they're too real to be real. Here's the thing, this-this, I don't see any chicks that turn me on anymore, ya know…but think, I ah-h, here's how I now I'm getting old, cause I really did go through, I says, I haven't seen any girls that really stimulate me, that look good to me. And you, it's really corny, but dig what I miss: lipstick and powder. Is that weird? I like em with paint on em, ha-ha! To smell like ladies. Lily, lipstick, and powder. Now if I really get racy, pancake makeup. And a cheap, black, crepe dress that's low-cut. Make a book up, see, and the book on its face will look like….it's one of those very erudite How To Make Out, Same-Sex Marriage, those kinda nut books, ya know. But if you follow the instruction of this book, you never make out at all. Ever. Really constructed so that's a zero no-score. Sell it for $45 in plain wrapped brown paper. Now in it says, it says, Instructions: Always go over the house for dinner and meet the folks. And don't forget when you go over the house and meet the folks, you compliment, and it's just the dialogue the guy is supposed to use, say, say to the father, you know, "Oh Mr. Johnson, boy your daughter's got a terrific shape on her, ha. God bless her, boy she gotta a body I'm telling ya. And your wife has got a nice shape on her too." Then, when you're out on a date, they like little jokes, it's, then there's a certain kinds, maybe not for this generation, my generation, certain kinda things that you just couldn't say, just verboten, that just cringe, embarrassing things, that no one ever, here's a kinda….stab your heart joke. Just keep saying', "Whaddaya got the rag on?" Keep saying that, they like that, they get a kick, they like people who are frank, "Whaddaya got the rag on? Whaddaya got the.." keep saying' it all night, that's ah okay. And then, when you're in the car, if you just ask them in a nice way for it, just say, and be cute about it, use euphemisms, double entendres. Say, "Oh, I wonder if I could get some nookie?" That's very cute. "Oh boy, I wonder who'd give me some nookie, boy I wonder." And they just think that's so cute, and you'll get it right away. And just say extra things, like "Boy I would, would I appreciate it, hah, that always, boy I'd appreciate that boy. I'd tell everybody what a nice person you were too." I think that, a lot of marriages went West, ya know they went split up, uh, my generation, ladies didn't know that guys were different, I mean different…it's very tough for chicks to realize that although we speak the same language, that yer, you can have babies that's j-j different ya--your so, it's like, no guy ever cheated on his wife, ever. But ladies….would get hurt and wanna leave the husband because they thought the husbands cheated and they never did cheat because what cheating means I know. To a lady, it means kissing and hugging and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. Guys that doesn't enter into it, all the time, no. Ladies are one emotion, and guys detach, not consciously detach, but they just do, detach. Like, a lady can't go through a plate glass window and go to bed with you five seconds later. But guys can have head on collisions with Greyhound busses. In disaster areas. Everybody's laying dead on the highway, not in the hospital, in the ambulance, guy makes a play for the Nurse. "How could he do a thing in a time like that." "Well I got horny" "What?" "I got hot." "How could you be hot when your foot was cut off?" "I don't know." "He's an animal! He got hot with his foot cut off." "I guess I'm an animal, ess-es-eh…" "What didja get hot at?" "The Nurses uniform.." He's a moron, that's all, he's just an animal, he's a…. No it's…guys detach, and has nothing to do with liking, loving. You put guys on a desert island, they'll do it to mud. Mud. So if you caught your husband with mud, some how you could get over seas there, "Mmuudd!! Don't talk to me, that's all….you piece of shit, leave me alone, that's all. Go with your mud, have fun. You want dinner? Get your mud to make dinner for you" that's all. That's-a it's just that's you can't get angry at them, you can't wanna leave them for that at all, no, it's hum…You know, and that's just subjective, in retrospect I really got a kick out of it. Getting divorced, the only true get even device, because I'm really convinced that no guy ever leaves a chick, you know. When chicks get cold, they really get cold, sshwooo…That's, it's over, really, when it's over with them it's really over, and guys can't ever figure that out, they always figure there's one more time there. And the guy is like, ss-I can't-ss, well, I boump-boump-boump. Yeah, cause-eh, here's what I figure it is, you always hear chicks say, ya know, "Oh I wish I could meet a man, someone with some dignity, a guy I can walk all over, you know, can really be a man-a man" but chicks don't know that, it's, guys are like dogs. You know you take a dog, you beat the shit out of him pow! " Keep a "NEUUH-NEUUH-NEUUH". Pow keep coming back. Ladies are like cats, you yell at a cat once, Siamese cat, shhhht their gone. So that kinda quality that ladies are looking for, you really want a guy to act like a lady. Cause those are lady like traits, that kinda spunk and they don't need anything. I forgot what the fuck I was talking about…heh. I blew it completely. Where was I? I went up to za-zuh…hum…hah. Those television shows, really. Once in a while if I lose it you know and then try to bullshit and do this a while but then if it's really gone it's gone, so….Ya see, that's where, the problem of being a performer, and a Judge can get away with that shit, ya know. "Hmmmmmnnn", you know just completely dunked out, ya know. "That's, I'll take that under consideration" yeah, yeah. Let's see I was here….oh, oh yeah I got it, good. I won't lose it again but I'm trying to think where the thread of it was…oh yeah, ok. The Get Even. So the only Get Even you can have with a chick, cause they leave you, are the kids. That's the only Get Even, that's the sweet revenge: Get the kids. But you can't be that obvious with it, you know, just get the kids because I want to get even with you, you shithead you. So the, all the struction, the foundation is "I went over there the kids wet" heh. Schmuck, then all of a sudden "The kids, I'm not gonna, the kid's not gonna live like that, every time I go over the kid's wet, the kid's wet. Everytime, the kid she don't take care of the kid, the kid's wet, and uh that's it. I'm taking that kid away from her because the kid's wet. She's having guys over there. "You saw any guys?" "No, but, when the kid's are wet, that's it. Take the kid, I got custody of my kids now, I love my kids. You're not gonna be with that tramp anymore, blah-blah-blah…" "Where are the kids?" "With my grandparents." Very good, uhm-hmm-hm….Now it's, usually what happens is break up time, just like the first…if you're gonna break up with your old lady, and ya live in a small town, make sure you don't break up at three o'clock in the morning cause your screwed, there's nothing to do. You sit in the car all night, park somewhere. Yeah. So make, at least, ya know, make it about nine in the morning so you can go to the five and ten and bullshit around and, worry them a little and come back at seven at night, ya know…."Oh, yeah never mind….I'm getting an apartment, that's all, that's eh.." Yeah because if you, eh, a bad break up then it's like a long time break up. If you're married seven years then you gotta kick for two. Oh yeah. I think there must be a mitzvah time. i think if you're married fifteen-eighteen years, you get divorced, then you must lose your mind. Yeah they get senile, then they people, they get whacked out. There's a certain critical area they're married about seven-eight years where you really throw up for a couple of years. No really just "ORGHJK-YKKGGHH", you know. And, the weird, if you broke up and you go anyplace alone, there's always mamzers who ask you about you're wife. "Where's your old lady?" and I said, Chinese restaurants, "Where's Momo? How come you don't bring Momo in here anymore? Such a beautiful girl, where's Momo?" "Look, I'm divorced." "Oh, you better off. You don't need her." Where's Momo…Now if you, go back together, the danger time, and here's back to the religion again. There's only one person you're supposed to confess to. They are. Not anybody else. Priests, solid. But not husbands. They have no authority vested in them to hear any truth. So don't listen to any of their shit, ya know, because what happens, when this--go back together, guy calls up, "Hello Vera, the only reason I called you, you left some of your crap over here. I don't know a handkerchief, a gloves. Listen I wanna come over, we'll shoot the shit, let's see. Pay the tax bill." Alright, back together, maybe kissing time, hugging time, in bed time. After bed time. "Hey Vera, uh, when we were broken up, didja make it with a lot of guys? Don't be silly, said I don't mind you can make it with anybody, don't bullshit me….what the hell, it's good for the goose, good for the gander. We were legally separated, I made it with a lotta lotta chicks, you're entitled to make it with a lot of guys. I'd just like to know, for the hell of it, didja make it with a lot of guys? Howmanynanac'mon don't bullshit me, I'm not gonna hit you now, I wanna know! I'm not gonna get mad, just for the hell of it, who did you make it with?" Don't tell him, don't cop out. Never cop out, if they got pictures deny it. Flat out. Just tell 'em it was some fag hair dresser, that's all…thatsezya. Because if you ever do cop out, oh yeah, shih-shooo! "C'mon I'm not gonna get mad, tell me, I'd just like to know for the hell of it." See, that's what chicks don't know about guys, that they…it's that entrapment. Maybe it's because their father's did that to them. "Just tell me, who? Him? Pfff…I don't give a shit but, but this is….that's a shocker, that's heh…heh, that's the only thing is that it shocks me, I'm not mad but it, sfyeh what a kick in the ass that is, like…how the hell could you…you know what, you know why it shocks me cause you told me that you didn't like him, you told me you didn't want him over to the house, and ya go…how could you make it with him? That fat, disgusting piece of--you cunt pow. There's a Peace Bond , schlepping away time, ah yes, with the Jewish mother in the middle with the teeth flying out vah-vah-vah!! The chenille robe, and uh…Yeah, that's a…ha-ha. Wouldn't this be, always wondered if ya get married again, the only problem with ever getting married again, if ya go, you have to go to some country where pfshhh…you have to marry somebody who speaks a different language and doesn't speak any other language. Cause just in case, no but you'd always be afraid cause when your with the second old lady then you might say something in bed, and your wife would jump up behind the bed, "You aaa----you said" oh god, "how could you say that to her when you said it to me?" "I just bullshitted her, I don't love her…I just said that cause I knew you were behind the bed, that's all." Uh-huh…Jewish mothers, there are none that's the expose. Oh another expose, I really want to confess to you one thing you never knew about me and….I have a pen name. Ralph Gleason . I'm Ralph Gleason. And I always wanted to uh, and you're taking it good, I always thought you'd get pissed off at me for that. In fact I wrote the column for years and just drifted into this and decided I'd like to do a little comedy on the side and uh, you liked me and I thought I was doing good, so what the hell a few write ups don't hurt anybody. And uh…you're taking it good, that's lovely. I want you to know that, another thing too that I've never been in jail, never been arrested, that's all borshit. What it is see, I got a publicity agent that's dynamite, and we have nine phony cops that work for Pinkerton , and we go from town to town the same bullshit, ya know. I get busted, I write the column the next day, and that's where it's at…heh. A few words now about Alaska and their stupidness…and ind-a…Alaska, don't know if you know it or not, there are people up there that we've given a lot of money to and try to help them. Given a lotta lotta money to Alaska, to create some kind of image, we gave them statehood and they're morons. They got one image, after all these years, some schmuck in front of a shack holding a fish knock. That's all they've come up with, and some other nonsense fantasy that hookers get two-thousand dollars a minute for talking to people. If you probably go up there there's ten-million stranded whores waiting to talk to somebody. "What's the deal I thought there was supposed to be some talking, or…we just got bullshitted, right, there's nobody? Just hookers up here….and Admiral Byrd . Heh-heh, he don't go for a nickel. Now here's a thought, I-I-I've….this is hearsay. Somebody told me--see they were using--the report was monkey glands on people, so you know, rejuvenate them, they live longer. Ok, now somebody told me they came back from Mexico, that they're using human glands. "So-oh yeah? Well where do they get them?" "Has to be from live people." Well people, there was--dying, and uh…it's very expensive. So that's what I said, what does it costs about a thousand dollars ya now…so I got hip, a lot of people are dying a lilschip-schzzch that's uh, oh yeah, the hospitals a lil-bop-plah-bup, yuh, he's dead, he's almost dead, the hell is-uzza….Sure you're gonna see is the more demand, the first place the state insane asylums are gonna be emptied out quick psshhhh! Yeah, that's the first thing, all the nuthouses emptied out. All died very quickly, oh yeah, definitely. Because, all we have to do…see our moral concept is what's--what, it's--what's accepted, what we will agree upon, that's what the moral concept is. We--if we agree, that…killing a few will save the biggest, then we'll agree on it. Like that's--that's was the objection that Catholicism had for many years, that contraception is murder. It doesn't matter the degree of the murder, but-but since we all agreed on it now, contraception--bullshit, it's cool. So it's just the degree. So..if it comes right down to it, if we wanna live a little longer, it won't-it won't be accepted, just the sophisticated class, the gentry will cook with it first, ya know. Yeah, "Listen, I know a place and it's ya now…" Yeah, and as soon as--the first time the government control--then they'll have the farms. Yeah, raising people to, uh, to live. It's a good liver, good heart, yeah. You'll accept it, yeah, you'll see. When it comes right down to the go-you go bye-bye, "These people don't know anything, they're raised for that purpose." "Yeah, ya sure?" "I'm telling you…they like that." Heh-ha! Ok. "I wanna paper saying that he gave it up…oh and I can't take the guys liver and his heart and his balls, all that stuff?" "Sure, are you kidding, he's better off without it. He gets it the next time, don't you know that? Nine thousand years I've been living now, it's a…yeah, it's a...schhhwoo…."