WESTERVILLE, OH—Immediately freezing as he glanced around the stage at his choice of apparel, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg reportedly muttered, “Oh, goddamnit,” under his breath Tuesday after realizing none of his opponents had dressed up for the debate. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me—I’m the only one who put together a costume?” said the South Bend mayor, growing visibly frustrated as he looked to either side to see that both Cory Booker and Bernie Sanders had attended the debate in a suit and tie, before slowly setting his costume’s oil can and tinfoil hat down on the podium. “I mean, seriously? It’s a few weeks before Halloween and no one even thought to dress up as the Wolfman or something? It’s not like I was taking this costume seriously, but Jesus Christ, I just thought it’d be a nice way for everyone to lighten the mood. Shit. I must look like a complete idiot up here.” At press time, Buttigieg had begun responding to moderator Erin Burnett’s question about his campaign platform by stressing that America only needed to “find their heart” before cutting himself off in annoyance and telling her to just forget the whole goddamn thing.

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