Guys, I’m Super Worried About Hillary Clinton

I know that there is a strong possibility that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2016 and don’t get me wrong, I am really excited that we might get our first female president, but there are just a few tiny things that I am worried about.

Of course there’s the obvious stuff, like the fact that she’s married to one of history’s most beloved philanderers and that whole Whitewater rafting deal. But there’s also, like, Hillary’s health and stuff. I mean, she had a blood clot in her brain! I don’t claim to be a medical expert, but I’m pretty sure that is a pretty bad place to have a clot! And also, like, I’m not sure, but don’t you think there’s just the tiniest possibility that that clot was just like some extra menstrual blood that got up there? I’m not saying it definitely was, but was it? I mean, I know that you are probably assuming she’s in menopause, but do we really want to make those kinds of assumptions about the gal who is going to wind up with her finger on the nuclear button?

And sure, maybe she entered menopause, but what if instead of staying in menopause, her period came back? And what if it wasn’t just a regular period, what if it were some kind of super period that makes her into a werewolf that can’t stop eating and crying and having sex with junior senators? I am not saying I am worried about having a female president, I’m just saying I’m worried about President Werewolf who can’t stop slutting it up all over Capitol Hill, you know? I mean, do you really want a crying werewolf in a pantsuit drinking a glass of chardonnay and screeching, “Give me those nuclear codes and a bunch of chocolate, and send in Gary Schlesinger, the junior senator from Wisconsin so I can ride him like a roller coaster!” Is that what America wants?

And honestly, let’s talk about those pantsuits for a second. I mean, I’m not saying they aren’t nice. They are definitely nice, but I think you have to ask yourself, what is a lady who wears pantsuits all the time hiding? Like, what is it about her lower legs that she doesn’t want us to see? I’m not saying she’s a waist-down robot, but I’m just saying probably. She is probably a waist-down robot. Can we really send a waist-down robot to China to talk about trade tariffs? Is the guy in charge of China gonna like that? C’mon guys, think!

Also, she keeps bringing up that she’s a grandmother. And one time, when she said it, I thought I saw, like, some weird red in her eyes? Like lasers? Like, I know she is actually a grandmother to a baby, but is she also, maybe, a super-villain called The Grandmother? I’m not saying she is but I’m also saying let’s not be blind to the possibility. And maybe this super-villain can crochet you to death or bake you in a brisket? Is that really going to be effective against Putin’s nuclear arsenal? “Oh, hey Hillary, I am going to blow up your cities,” Putin might say,” and then Hillary will try to sing him to sleep because that is one of her superpowers? Does that sound very effective? I don’t think so!

And then, like, I really didn’t want to talk about this, but I think I do for one second have to go back to the whole Monica Lewinsky thing. I mean, I know a lot of people think that Bill Clinton was hooking up with a White House intern because, while he was a good president, when it comes to the ladies he is the super-douche of the century, but what if that’s not true? What if, really, Bill Clinton was just scared to sleep with his wife because of something about her vagina? Namely: What if she has a gun up there? I am not saying that Hillary Clinton has an actual gun in her actual vagina but I am also not a doctor so who knows? I mean, can you really blame Bill Clinton for finding a woman without a gun in her vagina to sleep with when his only alternative was Hillary Clinton, a woman who probably has a gun in her vagina? What if Hillary was sitting around a table with a bunch of dignitaries and the gun went off, and what if her crotch was pointed right at Angela Merkel? And then what if Angela Merkel’s vagina-gun also went off. Can you picture it? Two leaders of the free world just shooting bullets at each other from their vaginas under the table while the guys are all going, like, what the heck? Well, I can. And it gives me a chill.

I am not saying that I have anything against Hillary, I am just saying that when you get in that voting booth, make sure you ask yourself: Do a I want a lady waist-down robot who gets a super-period that turns her into a werewolf who loves chocolate, moonlights as a villain called The Grandmother and just struts around town shooting bullets out of her jinkity-jankity in charge of the free world or do I not?