Friends, we live in a dark, uncertain world. War, famine, prejudice, disease—sometimes the swirling tide of confusion is so strong that we fear we may be washed away entirely. And that's why Jezebel is passionately committed to chipping away at life's toughest and most overwhelming questions. Why are we here? Who, in our society, should be the arbiter of right and wrong? Why is space so big? And, of course, which sarcastic anthropomorphic turtle-child do you most want to have intercourse with!?


That's right. It's Fuck/Marry/Kill: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles edition. LEEEEEET'S GOOOOOOOOO!!!

Leonardo


The case for fuck: Leonardo is obviously the hottest, uh, turtle thingy. He's the leader, which means he's confident, powerful, and cool under pressure, even when battling an evil pink space-brain that rides around in the body cavity of a large bald goon. (Come on, ladies, don't TELL me that's not on your list of turn-ons.) He's also the oldest of the four, so, silver fox-turtle, I guess? Leonardo would probably be a thoughtful and libidinous lover, but would never overstay his welcome or get clingy. Turtle business, you know.

The case for marry: Oh, total wedding-bells material. 'Nardo's got ambition, drive, job security, and the kind of long-term stability that's sure to keep steaming hot pizza on your family's dinner table every fucking goddamn fucking night until you fucking die. Pizza, pizza, pizza. You love it. Eat it.

The case for kill: Come on. Dude's kind of a snooze. Really? Your weapon is some swords? Were they out of library books and sleeping pills?

The verdict: Marry. Your grandma would approve. (Once she stopped screaming like a fucking maniac because of the TALKING TURTLE-MONSTER YOU BROUGHT TO THANKSGIVING, I mean.)


Donatello


The case for fuck: The thing that you have to understand about Donatello is that he does machines. So, yeah, he's kind of a dork, but he's also the least brutish of the turtles—a gentle, cerebral, intellectual partner who always makes pleasuring you with his weird, three-pronged turtle-hand his top priority. The other turtles want to fuck. Donatello wants to make love. Also you should see the stuff he can do with a bo staff (mainly just stick it in there, tbh).

The case for marry: Once fighting Foot-crime stops being a viable career, he could get a job at Boeing or something. Then at least you guys would have a nice pension to fall back on, and maybe you could upgrade to a 2-bedroom fetid sewer for your twilight years. Donatello seems open-minded enough that you might be able to convince him to eat foods other than pizza a couple times a month. Plus, he'd be super handy around the house, in case you needed to fix the boiler or fight off a marauding bipedal sunglasses-pig. And if you suddenly found yourself marooned inside the 1989 TMNT NES game, Donatello is obviously the best, because BO STAFF, so don't argue with me.


The case for kill: Blah blah blah blah blah blah gadgets blah blah turtle science blah blah blah blah blah blah interface microchip fart.

The verdict: Fuck. BO STAFF.

Raphael


The case for fuck: Raphael is cool, but you should keep in mind that he is also rude. That combo's a classic panty reptilian-cloaca-flap-dropper. He's got the bad-boy allure of a Jordan Catalano and the sarcasm of a Seth Cohen. HOT. (EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE HE'S LITERALLY A GIANT TURTLE.)

The case for marry: He's in touch with his emotions, unafraid to be vulnerable, and always looking to squeeze as much adventure out of life as he can. Raphael is fun and spontaneous, so at any moment he might surprise you with a trip to [the sewers of] Spain or an irritating temper tantrum about pizza. Despite his rebellious streak, he's fiercely loyal, so you can rest assured that after he impregnates you with his foul seed and you plop out a clutch of slimy turtle eggs, he'll be an attentive and loving father.


The case for kill: Ugh, Raphael is a total aggro butthead.

The verdict: Fuck. Were you not listening? It's Jordan Catalano meets Seth Cohen. (Meets a giant turtle. Yeah. I remember. Thanks for pooping all over my special moment.)


Michelangelo


The case for fuck: Michelangelo is a party dude—he's basically Spicoli with a shell. Not incredibly sexy, but you know what? I bet he'd be one of those dudes who's just super genuinely stoked about every part of you all the time. Like, "Whooooaahhh, dude, your butt is AWESOME!!!"

The case for marry: Michelangelo's a laid-back, upbeat kinda guy—not a sourpuss like Raphael or a goody-two-shoes like Leonardo. He's funny, he knows how to relax, and he has a refreshingly unstudied openness about him. I'm thinking, like, Andy from Parks & Rec. Or an idiot baby turtle that accidentally learned to talk using magic.


The case for kill: ANNOYING AS FUCK.

The verdict: Kill. Annoying as fuck.

April O'Neil


The case for fuck: Oh, what's the strongest case for picking April O'Neil over any of the other characters regardless of their personality traits, quirks, and ambitions? How about because sexual contact with her is NEITHER BESTIALITY NOR STATUTORY RAPE.

The case for marry: TWO HUMANS. TWO ADULT HUMAN BEINGS. Also she doesn't live in the sewer. (And the jumpsuit is rad.)


The case for kill: I'm not killing April O'Neil and you can't make me. She's a badass feminist icon, plus she's my only chance to get out of this debacle not married to some hideous progeny of man, beast, and ooze.

The verdict: Marry. Duh. Everyone else is a turtle. (Except this next guy!)

Splinter


The case for fuck: Splinter knows the secret of your ooze.

The case for marry: Unlimited cheese.

The case for kill: IT'S AN ENORMOUS ELDERLY MAN-RAT.

The verdict: Kill. Kill. Kill! KILL IT! KILL!!!!!!!

Final verdict:

Fuck: Donatello, Raphael

Marry: Leonardo, April O'Neil

Kill: Michelangelo, Splinter


Glad we had this talk, y'all.