When I wake up, my shoulder bones creak and crackle as I shake my collar bones out from the weight of the past that chokes me in my sleep. I take long and deep breaths telling my brain to unclench my hands from the night terrors.

When I step out of bed, my feet scream and shudder with tingling sensations of pins and needles. I force myself through the pain knowing that there’s more to do today than to bow down to the limbs willing me to be a mere vegetable.

I eat. I stretch. I am up for about an hour, and then I am sleepy as if it’s time for bed. I fight through it for a few hours to battle my worth of self sufficiency, but it’s too much. I fall asleep for a few hours.

I eat. I stretch. I try my best to contribute to our household, but I’m fatigued, and I wonder what it’s like to be my age — to be 28, to be able to stand through a concert without being in pain, to go hiking and explore the depths of this world, and to even make plans for the weekend without worry of getting sick last minute.

As I look back, I wonder what it would’ve been like to be three with both parents instead feeling the effects of a heartbroken, recent cancer surviving mom with three children. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be ten and worry free — drawing for fun instead of to hide unknowing emotions of grief. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be 14 and not have to skip lunch or find change to pay for a $2.25 lunch. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be 16 and not have had my welfare checks pay for our mortgage. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be 22 and not have had to deal with the stress of close ones stealing from me. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be 23, graduating college, and having a home to go back to.

I wonder what being my age could’ve ever felt like, and I still wonder.

But this is it. This is what it feels like — if it isn’t psychological, if it isn’t emotional, then it’s physical.

This is the life I was given. I am an old soul given the chance to see far past those my age; to experience what most in my world don’t experience until they begin to gray.

There are good times, and there are good days, but only when I am strong enough to slap myself in the face to pay attention to them. If for a second, I fall weak and take my eyes off the light that’s carried me far, I fall far into the hole I climbed my way out of.

I am grateful for what I have, but maybe that’s where I went wrong — always being grateful for the little I had and pushing aside from the large weight pressing on my chest, my shoulders, and now, even my feet.

24/7 nerve pain in all four limbs and my face; 11+ food allergies and intolerances, allergies to most trees, mold, chemicals, and dust; fatigue; stomach and skin issues — Hi. I’m 28 going on 88.

Goodbye youth — you were never there for me.