Meet Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. Tan, blonde, All-American and blessed with perfect size six asses. If you read any of these books when you were younger, chances are you remember Liz being perfect and Jess being fun. How cute to be young and naive.

Liz is actually a nosey doormat and Jess is a psychopath. With that in mind, join the Snark Ladies as they navigate the world of Sweet Valley High, a place where there is a dance every week, people get kidnapped all the time, comas are not quite as rare as you’d imagine, and we call on the Youth Mauling Bear to come regulate quite often. Because they deserve it.