The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Seven.

Friday

Collingwood vs Port Adelaide (MS) Seven & Fox 7:50pm

Being a Collingwood home game and with the MCG not in use, it makes perfect sense this is at Marvel Stadium.

The Pies are in good form at the moment, what with all the winning. My hopes that last year was a one off now seem dashed.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Port Adelaide-Collingwood game without discussion of the jumper clash as the Power want to wear their ‘prison bar’ jumper as part of next year’s 150thanniversary celebrations.

Eddie McGuire came out this week to say he was tired of talking about the issue, which is an odd thing to say for someone who’s probably talked more about it than anyone else on the planet.

I’m sick of Eddie complaining about how he or his club are always hard done by, but that doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon either, so I guess we’re all unhappy.

Who knows if Port are now actually good or this is just the regular mirage of a competent side they produce every season before we all discover it’s just a pile of sand?

Some of the younger players seem to have improved them, like that guy that does that arrow celebration, who I’m trying to avoid learning his name so as not to give him the attention he so desperately seeks.

Collingwood to win this (and I’d be more certain if this was on their actual home ground).

Saturday

Melbourne vs Hawthorn MCG Fox 1:45pm

I’m going to this game to support the Pink Lady Match which raises funds for the fight against Breast Cancer, a great event.

At this stage I’m less in the mood to support my team because I’m sulking with them after ruining my life again.

People said the Dees were improved against Richmond, but they must have been watching a different game to me. Teams know they can just press up on the Demons and wait for them to make the mistakes, and there will be plenty.

The Dees have spent the week offering excuses about why the season is so bad, and they have made about as much sense as the plot of The Last Jedi.

Melbourne are a bit past making excuses, even ones that may be true.

Hawthorn find themselves in an odd position, a team just making up the numbers at this stage.

They were lucky last week that they remembered just in time they were playing Carlton and got their act together.

This should be interesting, if the Dees do start to get their act together as some strange optimists believe they will, the Hawks could be in trouble, but no one ever won a tipping competition tipping the Dees, so I’m tipping the Hawks.

Greater Western Sydney vs St Kilda (UNSW) Fox 1:45pm

St Kilda will be keen to get their season back on track when they travel to Canberra this week.

It’s a great time to be in Canberra. With the Federal election campaign in full swing there’s no politicians there, instantly improving the place by 2000 per cent.

St Kilda have flirted with greatness this year but now they face a good side and we’ll get a good measure on how they are really going to travel.

In sad news, Jack Steven has announced he’s stepping away from football for a period to deal with his mental health.

The Giants re-signed Josh Kelly this week, disappointing the Melbourne media who instantly rewrote their articles speculating which Victorian club he would go to by doing a ‘find and replace’ from ‘Josh Kelly’ to ‘Stephen Coniglio’.

Greater Western Sydney look good this season, but as always, the question with them is can they do it in finals?

Giants to win.

Brisbane vs Sydney (G) Fox 4:35pm

Brisbane has not beaten the Swans since 2009. That’s a long time to not knock over another club even once.

If you examine the stats in great detail as I have, the reason is incredibly complex.

Sydney have been a really good team over that time while Brisbane have been terrible. Perhaps that’s not that complex now I think about it.

Now Sydney are a mess and the Lions are on the rise so the Swans’ decade of dominance could be in trouble.

What the Lions need to start doing is taking down wounded opponent like this. The Swans look cooked, Buddy isn’t playing, and this is at the Gabba.

They’ll perhaps never get another opportunity like this, and they just need to focus and not stuff it up.

Don’t do what I did this week, after finally convincing Jennifer Helms to go on a date with me after ten years of begging.

With success finally in reach, in the opening ten minutes I somehow managed to insult her entire family, spill my drink on her and set the restaurant on fire.

So, the Lions shouldn’t do that.

Brisbane to win.

Western Bulldogs vs Richmond (MS) Seven & Fox 7:25pm

So, Richmond are going to win easily as the Bulldogs are terrible, which leads me to wonder what series I’m going to watch instead on Netflix?

I’ve watched Narcos, Ozark, Stranger Things, Maniac, Daredevil, Mindhunter and Black Summer, to name but a few.

I even watched Z Nation, which I enjoyed more than I thought I would.

It’s amazing how much of your life you can chew through when the next episode just starts automatically. Before the internet I used to be able to achieve things. Not important or worthy things, but at least things.

Now I fall down rabbit holes all night watching something online.

The other night I ended up watching all of Aunty Donna’s videos on YouTube and didn’t get to sleep until about three in the morning.

I feel like my life is falling apart more than the Bulldogs season. Like them, I may need professional help.

West Coast vs Gold Coast (OS) Fox 8:10pm

The battle of the coasts as the somewhat disappointing Eagles face up against the not as disappointing as expected Suns.

Eagles fans are a funny lot, with one telling me this week they are so disappointed in their player’s efforts this season they wished they were a Melbourne supporter.

It was a bit like saying you’re so over your mild head cold you wished you had a terminal disease.

Last I checked, the Eagles are actually reigning premiers and sit 3-3 despite appearing to be severely out of form.

Hardly time to launch the lifeboats.

I would trade anything to be in that position.

The Suns have lost two in a row now after a good start as they begin to live up to expectations.

If they beat the Eagles in Perth it would be proof the footy gods don’t want us to tip well this season at all.

That’s not going to happen though, Eagles to win.

Sunday

Carlton vs North Melbourne (MS) Fox 1:10pm

After building up the hopes of their fans with an impressive win, the Blues dashed them on the rocks last week, their signature move.

I’d say it was a terrific learning opportunity for them, but Carlton are like an 18-year-old who is still in year nine.

Questions over their ability to learn are being raised.

Here they get another chance to get a win against the rudderless Kangaroos who seem to be unaware you can get a new coach.

North did that annoying thing last week when the game is really over, suddenly playing like the better side. I hate when teams do that. Where was this for the first three quarters?

It’s like when you’ve done nothing all day and then quickly shove a load of washing on so you can say you did washing all day like you’re some sort of hero and not just doing a basic task everyone has to do.

The problem with tipping this is it’s a two-horse race, but you’ve got doubts either horse will make it to the finish line at all.

I’m tipping Carlton to win but just because I’ve never tipped them before and I like to try new things.

Geelong vs Essendon (MCG) Seven & Fox 3:20pm

A good Sunday afternoon game; the AFL should consider doing this more often.

This is the fourth Country Game, which celebrates the country by taking a few photos of players holding sheep and goats.

It’s not a completely accurate representation of many country areas, but it’s hard to take a photo representing chronic unemployment and an ice epidemic.

Geelong have shown themselves to be the benchmark of the competition at this early stage, making the recruitment of Gary Rohan and Luke Dahlhaus seem like strokes of genius.

They now face an Essendon team that have gone from being a basket case to being seen as a legitimate finals chance.

How quickly footy changes. A few weeks ago, it was ‘get James Hird back’, but things are never that bad.

I’m tipping Geelong but the Bombers pace worries me.

Adelaide vs Fremantle (AO) Fox 4:40pm

The Crows season is back on track, apparently because they beat Gold Coast and St Kilda. I’m not sure that’s enough to pencil in finals just yet.

Consider this, Fremantle have actually scored more points than the Crows this season.

A Fremantle side with a forward line may actually be dangerous, I wonder why they’ve never tried it before?

The Dockers actually sit second on the ladder and it raises the question ‘could their rebuild actually be working?’

I’m not sure yet, I have trust issues with the Dockers, but this is looking a lot better than it did last year.

Recruiting Melbourne’s entire forward line seems to have helped.

I’m tipping the Dockers to pinch this from the Crows at Adelaide Oval.

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