THE HEAVENS—Frustrated by how frequently they’ve had to scrub the structure clean over the past several millennia, representatives from the Kingdom of Heaven confirmed Wednesday they had installed spikes atop St. Peter’s Gate to prevent cherubs from shitting all over it. “It’s really embarrassing—not to mention disgusting—that the first thing new souls see upon arriving here for the rest of eternity is our main entrance absolutely covered in cherub shit, so hopefully the new spikes will keep those little bastards away,” said the archangel Raphael of the continuous strip of 7-inch interwoven stainless steel spikes that a team of contractors affixed along the top of the final threshold to everlasting paradise, noting that the divine beings’ droppings not only sullied the appearance of the otherwise grand and gleaming gate, but also produced a noxious odor that posed a significant health hazard. “It was a bit expensive having them do the whole length of the archway, but much less expensive in the long run than paying someone to power-wash it every other week. Plus, it’s a much more humane method than the poison pellets we were using before.” At press time, Raphael had turned his attention to shooing away the haggard assortment of mangy, mostly flightless cherubs that hobble around on the clouds surrounding St. Peter’s Gate, subsisting on scraps left by the crowds of the saved.

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