ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Nazareth-native Jesus H. Christ has told journalists this afternoon via a religious medium that his father, Jehovah H. God, had a plan for Israel Folau and what happened this afternoon is all part of it.

Speaking in tongues and rolling around on the pavement outside Rugby Australia’s HQ in Sydney, the medium spoke in a horrifying dark voice that the dumped-fullback is on his way to play rugby union in Japan.

“I can’t tell you what team it is yet,” shouted the medium as it writhed in agony.

“All I can tell you is that it’s in Japan and this was all totally part of my Dad’s plan for him, so chill the fuck out everybody,”

“It’s over now. You guys should start sending me and Dad some prayers for the Wallabies. They’ll need them at the World Cup. Ok, peace everyone and treat everybody like I treated people. With respect, yo!”

Just as Mr Christ finished his last sentence, the medium stopped convulsing and slowly regained consciousness.

A paramedic was on hand to give them a once over but the medium simply laughed and said that this wasn’t their first rodeo.

The medium then brushed the leaves on dirt off themselves before getting in their car to drive home.

More to come.

