Cornell students obviously have too much time on their hands. (And very soon I’ll be able to do something about that…)

Back when I was a wee grad student, one of the jokes circulating the internet, and eventually stuck to the wall of the grad ‘office’ concerned the putative causes of death of various philosophers. (My favourite was Thales: Drowned.) The list seems to have grown under Hugh Mellor’s supervision, and the current version is here.

In a similar spirit, Cornell students have started work on break-up lines of the philosophers. They’ve mostly associated lines with schools at this stage, but I think expanding to individual philosophers would be a splendid idea.

Here’s the list (mostly below the fold) Paul Kelleher sent me, along with attributions. (My favourite, by the way, is the quasi-realist. I might yet use that one day.) Feel free to stick the list to the wall of your office, or to add more in comments. Unlike earlier threads, self-attributions are more than encouraged!

The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other. (P.K.)

The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other. (P.K.)

The Consequentialist: We aren�t optimal for each other. (P.K.)

The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me. (P.K.)

The Empiricist: I think we should see other people. (P.K.)

The Rationalist: I’m not a priority to you any more. (P.K.)



The Rationalist, v 2.0: I’ve been doing some thinking… (Paul Audi)

The Rationalist, v. 3.0: If you can�t see your faults, there�s nothing more I can say. (P.K.)

The Content Externalist: Ever since we moved, you’ve changed. (Paul Audi)

The Continentalist: You’ve lost that love and feeling. (P.K.)

The Egalitarian: This is the best thing for both of us. (Paul Audi)

The Paternalist: In time you’ll come to see that this is the best thing. (Paul Audi)

The Humean: Just because we’re always together doesn’t mean we BELONG together. (Paul Audi)

The Humean, v. 2.0: Relationships need to be about more than just constant conjoining. (P.K.)

The Reliabilist: This just isn�t working anymore. (Paul Audi)

The Nagelian: You just don�t know what it�s like to be me. (P.K.)

The Functionalist: I don�t care about accommodating your feelings. (P.K.)

The Quinean: I�m sorry, but you don’t mean anything to me anymore. (Jacob Miller)

The Foundationalist: We have nothing left to build upon. (P.K.)

The Foundationalist, v2.0: I need to be able to branch out more. (P.K.)

The Relativist: It�s no one�s fault. (P.K.)

The Atheist: These things just happen. (P.K.)

The Kantian: You lied to me! (P.K.)

The Consequentialist, v 2.0: You should have lied to my mother about her pot roast! (P.K.)

The anti-Fictionalist: I�m sick of faking it. (P.K.)

The Cartesian: I don’t clearly and distinctly perceive a future together. (Kathryn Schubert)

The Hegelian: Do we have to go through this again? (Kathryn Schubert)

The Lockean: Our primary qualities simply aren�t compatible. (Kathryn Schubert)

The Lockean, v. 2.0: Compared to my last partner, I�m not getting nearly enough, nor as good. (P.K.)

The Cornell Realist: You no longer move me. (P.K.)

The Quasi-Realist: Of course we�re going to be together forever� (P.K.)

The Motivational Externalist: Even though I believed it at the time, I know now that I never really loved you. (P.K.)

The Behaviorist: I just can’t keep going through the motions anymore. (Brendan Jackson)

The Presentist: There just isn’t any future for us. (Brendan Jackson)

The Eternalist: At least we’ll always have that weekend in Paris. (Brendan Jackson)

The Modal Realist: This will never work—we’re from different worlds. (Brendan Jackson)