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US HEALTH officials grappling with containing the spread of the Coronavirus have issued a number of emergency alerts to citizens in an effort to keep the public up to date and informed on the troubling disease.

Chief among the alerts was an appeal for all those experiencing symptoms associated with Coronavirus such as fever, coughing and shortness of breath to make their way to the White House and cough directly onto President Donald J. Trump.

“We repeat, we have no further information or instruction at this time, the CDC have not explained if coughing on the President will cure you, they only ask that you get your ass to Washington or the Mar-a-Largo and do it now,” explained one of thousands of identical media reports issued across America in the last few minutes.

Those still unsure as to the best method of coughing have been told to repeatedly ‘hock up’ sputum or a loogie and ‘make it as phlegmy as possible’ and to include a sneeze in there as well too if you can.

“Do not be shy, your country needs you, manners are to be disregarded. We’ll take anything; slimy thick nasal mucus, great globby lung pies or misty cough splurges of saliva. Do your patriotic duty,” reiterated CDC rallying cries.

It’s been reported that not washing your hands when shaking the president’s hand, licking his food while he’s not looking and back-washing his drinks are not necessary courses of action but aren’t actively discouraged.

Elsewhere, those critical of the Coronavirus have stated that if the virus can’t take down an overweight 73-year-old with the diet of a diabetic toddler, it doesn’t deserve all this hype it’s getting.