My Battle with Eating

In my Father’s family, when a family member decides to have a child they accept the 50% risk of their child being morbidly obese. This genetic predisposition 4/5 times ends up being first child obese, second stick thin, third obese, fourth stick thin and so on.

Being the second child, there was a low risk of this pre-disposition hitting me. My older sister and I were born exactly the same weight, but at the age of 4, everything changed.

She became a chubby child. Of course, being two years old, I didn’t see her as any different. At age 5 I was still stick thin and my sister was 7. I never understood why she would always come home from school crying. I gave her a hug and told her she was pretty.

Age 7 was when I lost my front teeth, only to grow out a massive set of buckteeth. This was the first time I felt self-conscious about my appearance.

At age 11 I started going through puberty, but I was still stick thin. I got body hair, a moustache, horrible acne and my voice broke. I was mercilessly teased about my appearance and this is where my eating started to suffer.

On my twelfth birthday, I had my birthday party. I had invited most of the people from my class, because I only had 1 friend because of how I looked. Over the past year, i’d also grown a foot taller and filled out a bit. I was by no means fat, but I noticed the change. My grandma came up behind me while I was eating some cake and said “Oooh, you better watch yourself with that! Don’t want to get any chubbier!”

I feared the curse of the Savage Family was coming to get me after all these years of escaping it.

That was the first time I purged.

I didn’t eat for 6 days after that, then had a caesar salad, purged, and went another 6 days. In those 12 days I lost 9kgs.

The start of that year I began Highschool. I gave up all meat except chicken, I rarely ate. I had stopped purging though and controlled the change by eating less and less.

Skip forward to the start of Year 9. I attempted suicide 3 times in 2 weeks and was incredibly vulnerable. I was incredibly lonely and so very sad. I thought that I was lonely because of how I looked, specifically my weight. (5’ 9" and 65kgs) I came out on Feb 15th, and was beaten and abused every day by my peers.

Year 10. I got my first boyfriend. I was 15, he was 21. Very tall and a little chubby, the guy I lost my virginity to. We broke up, I was heartbroken and I moved on to my second boyfriend. Another 21 year old. Pretty short and very muscular. He encouraged my severe anorexia and re-ignited my bulemia because he found it far more beautiful. He was emotionally abusive and nearly broke my wrist and arm on multiple occasions.

He dumped me.

I relapsed majorly, lost 15kgs attempted suicide 2 more times before meeting one of the most important people in my life, S. S showed me that I am beautiful and important and that I mean something. He is still one of the most important people in my life and is the only person who always knows how to put me back together. I was so lucky to have him and he inspired me to get my shit together and fix everything. The reason I am still here today is because of him and I owe him my life.

Bringing me to the end of that year and the beginning of the next. I met the boy who would become my first boyfriend my own age (16) and I had the best summer of my life. He took such good care of me. We broke up, and to this day he is still one of my best friends.

Seemingly, my looks had gotten a lot better and I was “eye candy” Because people refused to look past my looks, I lost my value as a person and focused all my effort into my looks. I joined a gym, cut off all my hair and stopped eating and whenever I did, I would purge again.

Skip to right now. Today I felt disgusted with my looks and purger a couple times. I have been telling myself all day that I am a disgusting fat slob and I need to stop eating all together. I don’t want to be defined my my looks but people tell me every day that that is my only value.

As much as I hate my disease and the way I am, I have to thank it for everything I have achieved. The lives I have saved, the people whose lives I have made better. I like to think that I will leave the world a better place than the one it was.

I thought it was important to share my story as not only a male, but as a gay male. With an eating disorder affecting around 15% of our minority at one point or another in our lives, it is important to find a common ground and support network.

All my love, X.