“Hey dude! You’re up! Check it out, I found a HUGE carrot in your fridge! Look at this thing! I can’t believe how much of it I’ve already eaten!

So listen - looks like that apartment I was checking out fell through, so you get to have me on your couch for a few more weeks, bro! Oh, and remember that girl from the bar? Carly or something? The one with the big scar on her neck? Haha, right - the slutty chick with the lisp! Well, we’re in love now, so she’s going to be staying here too.

Fuck, I ate a LOT of carrot. I’m going to have to take a huge shit pretty soon. I hope I don’t sleep through it again - sorry about those sheets, dude.”