It’s all starting to get a bit embarrassing. In the press conferences following the early rounds of negotiations, Michel Barnier used to make a point of making most of his remarks in English to make things easier for David Davis. But at the sixth time of asking he’s clearly decided there isn’t any language that Davis properly understands, so he might as well suit himself and speak in his native French.

Barnier bashed his head against the lectern. He wasn’t sure how much plainer he could be. What bit of “sincere and real progress” did the British Brexit secretary not understand? He tried again. This time speaking a bit slower. As he would to a not-very-bright six-year-old.

If Britain wanted to move on to the next phase of talks, it had to come up with something better than making progress towards making progress, he said. The EU wasn’t asking for, nor would be making, any concessions. It was all a matter of legal certainty. And while some work had been done – with a little help, Davis was now often able to locate the border between Northern Ireland and Ireland on a map – there was still much more that needed to be done.

When he moved on to the financial contributions, Barnier couldn’t resist a little smirk. He’d had tougher negotiations with his kids over how much TV they could watch than he had with the British contingent. His kids would never have limited their options so catastrophically by triggering article 50 before they knew what they wanted as an outcome.

“The UK decided to leave the EU more than 500 days ago and...” he said, his voice tailing off. And next to nothing had happened since. The clock was ticking for the UK, not the EU. Britain would be leaving the EU on 29 March 2019 and it could either do so in an orderly manner by making an effort to get to grips with the situation, or fall out chaotically without a deal.

Brexit talks: where are the negotiations up to? Read more

Davis – almost certainly unintentionally – gave every impression that a chaotic no deal was precisely his preferred option. He began by talking about the “new dynamic” of the negotiations since the prime minister’s Florence speech. New dynamic as in slower dynamic. The monthly talks usually last four days; this round had been reduced to two days since everyone realised it would be a waste of time to spend any longer getting nowhere

On the substantive issues, Davis appeared equally lost. He still hasn’t grasped the logic of Northern Ireland needing to remain in the single market and the customs union to prevent the need for a hard border and he also appears not to understand the fundamental imbalance of power within the negotiations. As for the financial settlement, “substantial technical progress” had been made. Britain had finally agreed the currency. If not the amount. “We’ve listened carefully and responded,” he said. Barnier appeared bewildered by that.

Questions from the media only underlined how little progress had been made. Was it true there was no chance of the European council agreeing to move the talks on to the next stage unless Britain put a whole load more cash on the table within the next two weeks, a German reporter asked. Barnier paused. There was a time when he might have been inclined to dodge that question to give the Brits a bit of slack, but now he was right out of patience. Davis would just have to suck it up. “Je pense que oui,” he said. (“I think so.”)

Even Dopey Dave understood that. There were just two weeks to try to save Brexit. He looked around for help, before it dawned on him that he was the person on whom the country was counting. He mumbled something about being willing and able, while sounding anything but. His expression was of a man who had only just realised he was completely out of his depth. Defeat oozed out of every pore. The Brexiter for whom hubris beckoned unless the Maybot was suddenly willing to hand over €60bn.

The sense of deadlocked resignation spilled out into the room as Barnier went on to say they had barely scratched the surface of the negotiations. We were still a long way off the end of the beginning. He was then asked if he thought Theresa May would still be in power by the end of the year, let alone by the end of the negotiations. Barnier declined to comment though he didn’t appear to care much either way. Or to offer much hope for her survival.

“We’re making progress,” Davis insisted as he was led away by his childminder. One day he would say it and it might be true. But not today. Or probably any time soon.

John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99.