Digging Deep

Most days I wake up feeling a tightness in my chest. I feel instantly anxious; filled with emotions that range from hopeful and present, to scared and confused.

For a long stretch of time, I was feeling good. My husband and I got into a routine with the kids – they do 3.5 days with each of us. My husband was floating around from place to place – crashing here and there – and the kids were staying with his parents for the most part (consistency for them comes first).

This week things shifted, yet again. He moved into his new house and the prodigal girlfriend returned from being abroad. These two things in conjunction started to weed their way into my subconscious and then fully into my consciousness with harmful ramifications. I could not turn off my thoughts yesterday. Partly because when I saw my husband, he was texting with her, next to me in the car. He knows that this triggers me badly and yet, he did it anyway. And partly because since she has been back, he has been choosing to spend his time with her instead of with his family.

I want space from that relationship. I want space from that person, who, in my opinion, should have walked away the minute we began to struggle emotionally as a married couple WITH CHILDREN. I am in no way saying that she is the cause of our demise, merely that, when everything began to fall apart, she didn’t have the decency to say, “Hey, it looks like you need to work on your marriage. I am going to give you the space to do that”. But hell, my husband didn’t do that either.

So, yeah. I am back in the rejection phase of when he first left. They are dating and she is sleeping at his place, and from my perspective, it’s as though he has left me for another woman; 12 years younger than I am. It doesn’t feel like he is out doing the self-work and soul-searching that he claimed he needed to do when he moved out. This doesn’t feel like polyamory, this feels like abandonment, plain and simple.

I know that this too shall pass. But it feels so hard again. I feel like every time I get to a healthy head space, something or someone knocks me down; again and again. And I am left asking myself, why? Why do other people’s actions seem to define my sense of well-being? Why do I give others the power to affect me in such unhealthy ways?

It needs to stop.

I have a mantra that I have been using over the last month or so: “is this a helpful thought?”. If the answer is no (which it usually is) then I shut the door on it. I am usually able to shut that mental door and focus on the moment – I have found that being present in my self is the healthiest way to be. Being mindful, peaceful, and gentle with myself means taking control of my mind and not letting it run away with thoughts that just aren’t helpful. I have a tendency to ruminate and let my brain flood with images and fantasies (not the good kind) which serves no purpose other than to knock me down. I am so tired of picking myself up off of the proverbial floor.

I have another post coming soon about mindfulness and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) – the therapy that I am currently working on. Stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, try to be gentle with yourself. Try to remember, that you are strong, you are loved, and most importantly, that you are worthy of love. That is all we can do – one moment at a time becomes one day at a time then one week at a time.

It is there, that light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen it and it’s calling me forward.