There’s been a lot of chatter in the world lately around the idea of basic sexual freedom, what we’ll call a “No Rape Guarantee”.

It’s the idea that by providing everyone the power to say “No” to unwanted sexual encounters, everyone would be guaranteed full ownership of their own bodies.

The idea is nice, but it falls apart upon closer inspection. If some people are choosing not to have sex, that’s taking a partner away from someone who does. So the real problem is not that anyone is being forced to have sex against their will, the problem is that there’s just not enough sexual partners with low enough standards or levels of consciousness.

The Basic Plan

Behold the power of roofies.

Using Rohypnol and an OPEN SOURCE MASHUP of Yelp and Tinder/Grindr, the US government should block grant / waiver states (likely Texas first) to establish Guaranteed Intercourse.

All GI recipients are free to market themselves to whomever they prefer to be mounted by, but they must choose from hundreds of partners being offered to them each week. If you don’t choose a partner and copulate, you don’t get your GI, and therefore you will not be allowed to eat anything or sleep indoors. Basically, your choice is sex or death. But we all like sex, so what’s the problem?

Sex offers begin at once a week. Offers increase by one time per week. Sex does not have to last longer than 15 minutes, but it must happen at least once per week.

First fact: At once per week, there’s no red-blooded / legal age person that some mounter won’t find a use for. The 74-yr old grandpa who wants to feel young again? Plenty of sororities have the hazing rituals that will allow him to mount a college girl from the comfort of his own home.

Note: GI/CYB solves for the criminally asexual. Identifying and fixing them is one of the advantages covered in this plan.

Here are the two basic rules:

Mountees can choose from a large list of mounters to be screwed by. “None of the Above” does not exist as an option.

The upsides are ENORMOUS.

It will be so much easier for everyone to copulate, that the cost of paying for sex will plummet. This will ripple through the entire economy making everything else cheaper as well.

That car you wanted? $500.

That vacation you wanted to go on? $200.

The cost of medical care in a country full of weekly sex? Practically ZERO.

This plan even SOLVES illegal immigration. Right now many are forced into having sex with immigrants. Once everyone is guaranteed sex every week, there’s no more need for immigrant prostitutes, and all the immigrants will stay on their side of the border.

(Note: For those whom absolutely no one will have sex with, even when entirely unconscious, we can still let immigrants handle them for us I guess.)

The What Abouts

That criminally asexual woman who just wants to live without sex?

What about her?

Okay, for those that don’t understand how forcing people to have sex works, I’ll explain:

That woman right now hides amongst millions of single women who want to have sex and at least pretend to enjoy it. The first step is to expose her. The second step is ostracizing and singling her out. The third step is firm but forgiving punishments until her behavior is altered.

On day one, she will sign up with everybody else and show up to get screwed. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t even try to pretend she enjoys it. Her feedback is bad. The mounter doesn’t lose anything. He still gets satisfied. He’s just disappointed.

After 4 weeks of taking her Rohypnol, and being given negative feedback for just lying there all the time and never even trying to fake her enjoyment, the criminal asexual is suspended, cut off for 6 weeks on first infraction. Where does she go? How does she eat? Whose park bench does she sleep on?

Now all around her millions of singles are going to bed and having sex. They are happily satisfied and choosing between a multitude of partners. They are reproductive members of society.

She lives amongst them and they hate her. They are getting louder and angrier with her. She’s no longer able to hide amongst them complaining about how she doesn’t like sex but is now starving. Her support system crumbles.

Finally, she breaks. After weeks without food she succumbs to the pressure around her. She will not only have sex, she will have lots of sex and pretend to enjoy it. She’s back in the game! The machine quickly discovers positive effort and rewards it.

What about the scumbag who physically harms those mounted?

They are quickly exposed. No one chooses them as a mounter. If you want to get guaranteed sex, you better at least try to keep those who are agreeing to it happy.

GI/CYB delivers the Protestant sex ethic, ensures there are no idle sex organs, keeps all American sexual talent expanding, and increases trust in a sexy melting pot of a country. It is a profoundly American way to expand sex to everyone, without becoming Denmark or pretending we’re all as innately wanton as the “hey let’s f#ck” Swedes.

Some final discussion

The basic problem with America today is that everyone should be having sex but everyone isn’t. We have determined we OWE one another sexual gratification for being an American.

The cold brutal fact is that many Americans aren’t supermodels. No one will ever want to have sex with them. We have to stop pretending. These people need help.

GI/CYB solves all of this.

TL;DR

Sex feels good. Everyone should have sex. Look around you at all the people not having sex. Is that morally acceptable? Of course not. The Bible itself says “Be fruitful and multiply.” Just as God told us about idle hands, he also told us about idle nads. So here’s the deal.

Everyone gets the option to use Rohypnol.

Everyone gets a multitude of options by getting to choose their buddy from a list of partners.

And everyone gets sex, whether they like it or not.

The only option no one has, is the option to say “No.”