Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

Caller: “Is e-mail internet”?

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet. Can I still read my e-mail?”

Me: “Well, yes. You must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

Caller: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up your browser for me, and tell me what you see?”

Caller: “Open what?”

Me: “Your browser…can you open up your browser?”

Caller: “My…my…what?”

Me: “It’s what you click on when you want to browse the internet.”

Caller: “I don’t use anything. I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

Caller: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

Me: “No, ma’am. Your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

Caller: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

Caller: “My what?”

Me: “The little box with green or, possibly, a couple of red lights on it right now. It’s most likely near your computer?”

Caller: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights. Just get my e-mail for me.”

Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

Caller: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

Me: “An error message?”

Caller: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

Me: “Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Move it for me.”

Caller: “Move it?”

Me: “Yes. Move it.”

Caller: “My e-mail!”