Before I tell you the literally jaw-dropping story of my aunt's dentures and how they hijacked my brother's wedding day, I really ought to tell you about her parrot. This is The Comedy Issue after all, and there's something funny about that bird.

My aunt Rose* is birdlike herself—a kindly, hilarious seventysomething who laughs infectiously at everything, including herself, her greatest charm. She has arteries of steel, smokes three packs a day, and still looks great. I can't say as much about the bird.

Most parrots have fur, right? Feathers/wings type of thing? Not this one. It suffers from a rare plucking disorder. It is a self-mutilator and, after years of over-preening, is virtually hairless. I say "virtually," because: Above the neck? A plumed and perfectly exotic parrot head. Below the neck? Looks, honestly, like raw chicken.

My aunt and my uncle Hector drive an RV, and they'll take the bird wherever they go. They're free spirits that way—nothing but the two of them, the open highway, and a caged, denuded parrot.

Once, at Thanksgiving, when they were visiting my brother in Delaware, I saw the RV parked in the driveway, and stepped up into the cabin. I'd never been inside. Tight quarters. Couple of beds, a cage. The bird was in there, squawking affectionately, as my aunt leaned back and clucked to it. Cigarette smoke hung like mustard gas in the dry cabin air.

"I know what's wrong with that parrot," I said. "It's got black lung."

"Ha," my aunt cackled. "She's fine. She loves the smoke. Keeps her warm. Plus, we blow away from its face."

I looked at the bird, who was happily dining on its own abdomen. Her skin shone pink and raw as sushi.

Last spring, right around this time, my brother got married on the beach in Delaware—beach wedding!—but just before the ceremony, Aunt Rose had a most unfortunate dental event. True story. She was home in Maryland getting ready, sitting on the toilet, when her teeth slipped out. She tried to grab them, but they dove into the toilet bowl like a cormorant at sea. Poof. Gone.

Let's stop and consider for a moment what you would do. Flush hard and make a wish? Get in there and fish? Put yourself in Aunt Rose's position. Would you want to show up at a wedding missing your uppers and lowers?