GAME intelligence: 0/10

Nouse: 0/10

Bollocks: 1/10

Fucking hell…

Simon Mignolet: 1

Fucking hell. Absolutely shite for their first. Shithouse in the extreme where he dives out of the way. I do wonder how his face ended up so flat when he would never, ever dream of putting himself in the way of danger.

Questionable for the second. Absolutely shite for the third as well. He surely has to scream at his centre half. The only man in Europe to have his mouth sewn shut. Embarrassing for the fourth. Shall I go on?

A liability. Not good enough. Imagine playing in front of him. Fucking hell. He will never be good enough for Liverpool. Let’s agree on that and come up with a plan.

In addition, see Degsy Lovren below and put Mig in his boot.

Joe Gomez: 5

Not at fault really. Imagine playing in front of this ‘keeper. Imagine playing in a back four with Lovren.

Dejan Lovren: Can you have minus points in this?

Keep it tight, lads. Oh. I mean, there is poor defending and then there is Degsy when he doesn’t fancy it. The best centre forward in the league against a fella who has just had the old tap on the shoulder, move to the other side trick for the first.

The second is why he will never be good enough. He has the mental capacity of a child. No ability to forget what has gone before. A fucking weakling. Should have been take off on 10 minutes.

The fact he lasted half an hour was a miracle. Probably the worst performance ever seen by a Liverpool player. If he was dragged it was 20 minutes late. If he asked to come off it was still 20 minutes too late, although it speaks volumes for his character or lack thereof.

Shouldn’t play for Liverpool again. In fact he shouldn’t be allowed back within the city limits. Like Thelma and Louise. Choice between getting arrested and razzin’ it off Otterspool Prom.

Joel Matip: 5

Struggled, but then he was playing next to and in front of that. Should have done better with the header for the third but was probably wondering like the rest of the world why the keeper has got his mouth sewn shut. Is he good enough? I’d like to see him next to something other than a crab dressed as a clown.

Alberto Moreno: 6

Had a set of balls on him. Played well first half, not so much second. Imagine playing next to Degsy. Probably why he has had such a tough trot since he signed.

James Milner: I don’t know. Mark him yourself.

Jordan Henderson: 5

Played a ball and a half to possibly rescue The Reds. (Ha ha ha, wrote that sentence at 2-1, less a rescue more an extension of some kind of torture. Like filling the water boarding bucket.) Tried, at least he tried. Surrounded by bellends, maybe it’s catching.

Emre Can: 3

Abject in midfield, probably worse at right back. Sake. Mindset is an issue, tried to do too much.

Philippe Coutinho: 5

Chewing it. Lacking graft. Epitomised the shite start by repeatedly looking at the referee while sat on the floor. An off day, probably no more. Imagine playing in front of them.

Mohamed Salah: 7

Our best player, one of the only ones with any bollocks. Scored by mishitting it. More of that, please.

Roberto Firmino: 6

Grafted. Makes sense in a good side. May as well have got off and had a chippy today.

SUBS

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:

Was bright. Feel a bit sorry for him as he is clearly a massive jinx. Some kind of voodoo shit on the go. Since he signed The Reds have been dogshit. Probably not his fault but you know, no smoke without fire and that.

Daniel Sturridge: Hmmm

Marko Grujic: 2

Brought on to kick Dele Alli’s face off and didn’t manage it. Disgrace.

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