by Thuraya Salih -

An Inside Look Into Dating in Sudan

Across the world, dating is widely known as an act where two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage.

In Sudan, it’s not any different. Dating is usually the practice where two people meet to know each other; but primarily, as a preliminary step before proceeding to engagement or marriage – not just to be in an intimate relationship.

Sudan is known to be a conservative Muslim country where dating before marriage is frowned upon; however, dating is common. Many Sudanese men and women prefer to know one another as a form of courtship or dating with the intent to be married one day. Even with arranged marriages, couples may consider dating first before deciding to be married.

Any display of affection, whether private or public, between unmarried couples is forbidden. In addition, public display of affection (PDA), even between married couples, is socially unacceptable. Intimate gestures are considered to bring shame. In a few oppressively conservative families, unmarried couples found in intimate positions could risk ostracisation or being victims of honour killing.

Dating in Sudan often depends on the background of each partner and the understanding or acceptance of their families to pre-marriage relationships. Some families forbid their sons or daughters from meeting their partners, which could prompt the couple to meet secretly. While some couples opt to date by having conversations on the phone or through social media platforms, especially with long distance relationships.

Many couples, with understanding families, often go out on dates publicly at restaurants, cafes, parks and most commonly, Nile St.

In most cases, when asking couples how they first met, they say either during school, university, at work or through mutual friends. In addition, as with many couples around the world, social media is also a common place where strangers become lovers.

Real life stories

Dating for Hamid* and Laila* is sharing life together. ‘He’s like home to me,’ said Laila. Hamid and Laila are both 21-year-old college students, who have been dating for a year.

For 28-year-old architect Amina*, who recently came out of a three-month relationship, dating is ‘a stage in a relationship where you get to know a person you are interested in,’ she said. ‘A relationship with a person that is based on interest, mutual respect, compatibility and companionship,’ she added.

Prior to becoming a couple, Amina* and her x-partner were friends for a year. According to Amina, the relationship did not succeed because they based everything on friendship and did not focus on their different views of how a relationship worked. ‘After we started dating, I started noticing that he felt like a guy that he had certain rights to tell me how to deal with my life, and for me, I’m very independent. There was a certain understanding of how relationships worked between men and women that was not my understanding, and after around the middle of the second month, I started feeling suffocated and started to pull back. In the end, he broke it off,’ said Amina.

Why date?

People search for a way to get to know a potential lifelong partner before entering into a formal form of relationship such as engagement or marriage. Dating provides couples the opportunity to get to know each other and ensure whether they wish to be with each other for a lifetime.

For couples as young as Laila* and Hamid*, marriage may not be an option as of yet; therefore, dating is the best option in the meantime. ‘It’s hard to take another step at this time until we graduate,’ said Laila.

For Amina*, she chooses to date to ensure there is compatibility. ‘I usually choose to date because it gives me a chance to get to know a person better – if we have mutual interests and if we are compatible,’ she said.

What are the challenges?

Most of the dating challenges are because of different views and understanding of the important issues in a relationship, as well as lack of experience. Hamid* and Laila* face the similar challenges as they admitted that most of their problems at the beginning of their relationship were because their understanding of how a relationship functions were different. The rules were different to each of them.

Based on religion, customs and traditions, dating is forbidden and seen as a foreign practice. To some couples who are dating, it seems as cultural alienation. It is only recently, in the last decade or so, that society began to accept the practice.

Some couples are subjected to harassment by their communities. According to Laila* and Hamid*, the mentality of society, judgements and lack of privacy may lead to some pressures on relationships. As they are classmates, it’s very hard to maintain their own space and privacy among their other classmates and the rest of the university community.

For Amina*, the biggest issue is having to explain to her parents who she’s meeting without issues. ‘Having multiple brothers in my same age group with a lot of mutual friends makes dating hard,’ she said. ‘Having guys interested in me with a community that focuses on who girls spend their time with that people could be judgmental,’ she added.

There are advantages

Dating also has its advantages. It helps dissolve all class and racial differences, as well as help, reduce the habit of inbreeding, which may result in genetic problems in the long run and dissolve the ethnic boundaries between different groups.

As well as when marriages are based on love and understanding, may have a positive impact on divorce rates.

Hamid* and Laila* are currently happily dating and satisfied with their relationship. They are looking forward to graduating and taking a serious step towards reaching their life goals. They have a bucket list of things they want to accomplish and places they want to visit.

Dating tips

Love is essential indeed; but, it isn’t everything. For a relationship to be successful, compatibility is key. Compatibility simply means going together well.

According to relationship and life counselors, relationship compatibility is a composite of four elements, which work to facilitate a healthy, long and happy relationship.

Intellectual

It means that your outlook on life is similar, and you both have the capacity to amicably agree to disagree. It’s when two people respect each other’s intelligence. They share and are stimulated by each others ideas, opinions and/or interests.

Emotional

The concept of emotional proximity invokes the supposition of emotional parity. Emotional maturity requires us to better manage our emotional responses, being considerate of a partner, when properly paired we form compatible emotional patterns with a better chance of success. Mismatched emotions originating from disparate motives usually prove unsuccessful.

Physical

Physical compatibility — physical attraction to one another — is necessary for a relationship to take hold and be maintained. It is based on a subjective set of preferences. Physical compatibility demands intimate and honest communication or intuition to determine each other’s wants and needs, then some deliberate effort towards intimate fulfilment.

Attachment Style Congruity

We never know who we will meet and initially choose to attempt a relationship with based on initial infatuation. It’s during the courtship or dating phase that people’s traits begin to appear. If we’re lucky and understand attachment styles, we may properly read a potential partner and make an early exit before investing too much time, effort and emotional currency in a bad match. Long-term relationship compatibility stands on significant traits we must be able to recognise and determine our ability to work with.

Lastly, we must remind ourselves that the components of relationship compatibility don’t come together to form a snap-shot. They are not static. Humans and their personalities change, develop or deteriorate.

For more information, visit https://www.meaningfullife.com/four-types-compatibility-relationships/.

Note: The names with an asterix * used in this article are not real as the interviewees chose to share their stories and opinions in anonymity.

Born and raised in Omdurman, Thuraya Salih is a senior student at Sudan University of Science and Technology (SUST) and an amateur writer who is passionate about all forms of art.