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At the theater Donovan worked at, they were supposed to suit up in a welder's mask and heavy-duty coat and gloves before changing a bulb. But you can guess how up to date a theater keeps its safety equipment, considering what we just told you about its razor-thin profit margins. Donovan had to work with rubber gloves, an old sports coat, and a dentist-style face shield, which is great for joining an eccentric warriors gang but not so much for protecting your precious face from glass shrapnel. If/when that thin glass explodes, any shrapnel that gets under your skin is too small to remove completely -- we're talking about tiny little needles of clear glass, often thinner than a hair. It just embeds itself into your skin, and then it will itch. And itch. And itch.

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At Olga's theater, employees were technically required to take a safety course, but no one, including management, gave the tiniest sliver of a fuck. Her entire chain had no regulations to handle bulbs safely, and a few actually exploded during films. While that would certainly liven up a screening of Boyhood, you wouldn't want to deal with the clean-up and the angry customers.

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"Wow, those falling glass shards look like they're coming right at us!"

Oh, and remember the anecdote earlier in which Disney wouldn't let them unlock the print of the movie until minutes prior to showtime? Well, the problem is that modern movies are shipped to theaters on hard drives, and sometimes those drives are corrupted or blank. Transferring a copy from another theater can take up to 10 hours. So even a non-Disney movie (which will arrive the day before the showing) might require someone to race across the state in the middle of the night to heroically bring Transformers 6: Something Of The Whatever to the masses. The result, as Donovan explained it, was that "Several times I had to break land-speed records driving to such exotic locales as Harland, Kentucky or Knoxville, Tennessee."