In late 2019, I lose my job to downsizing. While my husband and I are out shopping shortly thereafter, his mother calls.

Husband: “Hello?” *Pause* “Hang on.”

He puts the phone on loudspeaker and turns the volume down.

Husband: “What’s going on?”

Mother-In-Law: “I just went by your house.”

She lives over an hour away, so showing up out of the blue is uncommon.

Husband: “Any particular reason?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, I just wanted to tell you about the great deal [Multi-Level Marketing Company] has right now!”

She has been in this MLM for nearly twenty years. She will “recruit” when there are rewards she wants and then harass her recruits into finding more people so she gets greater rewards. We made the mistake of enrolling about ten years ago but cancelled after a few months of her harassing us about “not wanting to build a business.”

Husband: “No, thanks.”

Mother-On-Law: “But you enrolled before!”

Husband: “And unenrolled. We aren’t interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, how long will you be out? Are you coming home soon?”

Husband: “We are not interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name] could do it; she doesn’t have a job. It’s easy!”

Husband: “Mom. Listen to me. The answer is no. Never again.”

My mother-in-law growls and hangs up.

Me: “Is she serious?”

Husband: *Sigh* “Oh, probably.”

The next day, she texts me.

Mother-In-Law: “You liked [Multi-Level Marketing Company] products, right? They’re so much better for you than grocery store products!”

Me: “I’m not enrolling again.”

I get no answer.

A week passes without a word from her. Then, a package with [Multi-Level Marketing Company] on the box, in my name, is delivered to our front porch. My husband calls his mom, but she doesn’t answer. At the same time, I call [Multi-Level Marketing Company] directly, not willing to give [Mother-In-Law] a chance to explain. The representative is incredibly cheerful for the entire conversation.

Representative: “Hi there, thank you for calling [Multi-Level Marketing Company]. My name is [Representative]. What should I call you?”

Me: “Um… [My Name].”

Representative: “Hello, [My Name]! How can I help you?”

Me: “I, uh, I got a package from your company but I never signed up for anything.”

Representative: “Hmm. Let me take a look here. Could I verify your info?”

I give my name, phone number, and address.

Representative: “Okay, it looks like you just enrolled. Congratulations!”

Me: “No, see, I didn’t enroll. I’ve said no to [Mother-In-Law] so many times I’ve lost count.”

Representative: “Oh. Well, it says on my computer that [Mother-In-Law] enrolled you four days ago. If you’re having second thoughts about your products, we can discuss crediting your account—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just doing your job, but I definitely did not enroll. If you have an account in my name — which you clearly do — it is fraudulent.”

Representative: *Less cheerful* “Oh. That’s pretty serious. Um, let me put you on hold. Okay?”

Me: “Okay.”

Several minutes pass. Call waiting shows that my mother-in-law is now trying to call me. I reject her call.

Representative: “[My Name]? Thank you for holding. I spoke with your enroller and my supervisor and… well… I’m not sure how I can help you.”

Me: “You can cancel that account or—”

Representative: “Are you sure you don’t want to just give it a try for a few months?”

Me: “No. Close it now or I will file a lawsuit against [Multi-Level Marketing Company] for allowing someone to open an account in my name without my consent.”

I have no idea if this is actually possible or if I’m just talking out my a**.

Representative: “But you’ll miss out on—”

Me: “Now.”

My mother-in-law calls again and I reject it.

Representative: *Heavy sigh* “All right. I’ll send the cancellation forms. We have [email] on file.”

The email address is my mother-in-law’s full name.

Me: *Stressed laugh* “No. Use [my email], please.”

Representative: “Okay. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you.”

Me: *Relieved* “Thank you. I’m sorry you’re the one who picked up my call. I appreciate your help.”

A moment later, the email came through. My mother-in-law called for a third time and I rejected her again. I sent the forms back and “my” account was cancelled that same day.

I told my husband what she had done and what I had done in return. He sent her a string of furious texts, saying that he could not believe she would go behind our backs like that, threatening identity theft charges, and telling her that we would seek a restraining order if she even so much as mentioned [Multi-Level Marketing Company] around us again. She replied with one message saying we were ungrateful and closed-minded and that she would block both our numbers.

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