Well.. here it goes.

Well.. here it goes. First of all let me start of by saying I am not asking for forgiveness. I want that to be very clear.



Over the last couple of days I had a mental episode that started with a reddit post accusing me of cheating in path of exile. When this post first came to my attention, I knew exactly what and why it happened. One of my good long term friends whom I shared some of my deepest and darkest thoughts too had a falling out with me. This person wasn't just my friend, they were one of my best friends and one of the only people I felt comfortable talking to about some very personal things. I talked to this person about my mental health struggles, my depression, my coping mechanisms for my mental health struggles and pretty much every single weakness I had in life I ended up exposing to this person. This included my recent love for path of exile and how much my community meant to me, how much I was working hard to rebuild the reputation that I had from the past and all the things along side that. This of course, includes all the weaknesses associated with my path of exile and twitch community.



I was betrayed. This person back-stabbed me and betrayed my trust and shared some of my deepest and darkest secrets to the world, and hit me where it hurt. They didn't just try to sabotage my twitch community, they tried to sabotage my entire life and my entire families lives. You see screenshots going around with me acting like a monster, but you have no idea the things that this person said and did to me. You have... no idea. I feel lost, ruined, destroyed. The few friendships I have in life are all I feel like I got, and to be betrayed and back-stabbed on this level set me off on a major mental episode.



The part that my Twitch community was exposed too was just the part with screenshots of a cheating scheme in path of exile. To answer the communities question if the screenshots were real: the answer is no; they are not real. I never have cheated in path of exile. My account was not banned, and those of you who watch the streams know all the currency I made was from getting some very lucky crafts. I did however open up to my friend that if anyone thought that I was a cheater in the path of exile community, it would destroy my community I was working so hard to rebuild. It does not matter if screenshots or images are real or fake, people will find a way to hate someone they want to hate, and that is exactly what happened with me.



I did not react well, and I would take it a step further. I had a complete mental episode and did the worst things I possibly could have. I read EVERY SINGLE hate comment and reddit comment about me, I read EVERY SINGLE negative tweet and death threat I got and I dwelled in a pool of hatred and agony. I felt like after being betrayed by my friend, the entire world was out to get me... I was in complete misery.



My head is a little more clear now but I will be the first to admit I am not 100% well yet, not even close. I do want to take a moment to apologize to a few people, including many people who I lashed out on my stream the last few days as well as path of exile streamer "cutedog" who I overreacted to his memeing of the situation. While I do believe that "cutedog" did step out of line a little and involve himself in a situation he knew I would not react to well, I will be the first to admit I reacted very poorly and owe him and his community a major apology. I am sorry, I do not ask for forgiveness I just want to let everyone know I have absolutely nothing against "cutedog", his community, or anything he does...I also want to apologize to Shayed_ as well. Shayed_ was one of the people who worked very hard to help me get my foot back on twitch and I took that friendship and disgraced it. I am ashamed I burned a bridge with a friend who cared about me and my footing on twitch, and have many regrets today on the things I did and said to her (also Shayed_ is not the friend I was talking about who betrayed me, please do not be confused, that is someone else who shall remain nameless). I am not asking for forgiveness, but I want to say I am very sorry. I am also very sorry to my own community on twitch for seeing a very dark side of me that no one should have seen. I want to apologize to the entire world as well, as people saw clips and remnants of that side of me that.. no one needed to be exposed to.



I lastly want to say sorry to myself. I know this sounds weird, but I am not ready. I am not ready to get back to streaming. I am ashamed that the world had to see this side of me and ashamed that I trusted myself to be ready enough to stream to the world. I have closed my twitch channel for the time being and will be "off grid" for a while, or possibly forever. I want to clarify I am NOT banned on twitch, but I do not trust my own mental health to be able to stream for the time being. There are many things I need to work on with myself before I am able to share my life with the world again. Those of you who know me a bit more personally know I struggle with mental health issues on a daily basis and the struggle I have had with medications having an impact on me both positively and negatively. I am not going to misdirect my actions onto mental health medications because I am responsible for my own actions. I will however say that I recently was switched from SSRI's and onto something much more serious, which may have had an impact on my mental health recently. I am however fully responsible for my actions.



There is so much else I could say, and so much I want to. I disabled my path of exile account as well as all my other gaming accounts and all my "links" to the online world for the time being to help me focus on getting my actual life together for now. Will I ever be back? I don't know, I wish I did, but I don't. I can say, however, that I need to be responsible and make the proper decision, and the proper decision is I need some time to focus on my own mental health right now. Thank you everyone for reading this, and hopefully this brings some clarity.



- GoodIdeaGaming / NotaWhale / BDTV / Alex.

Reply · Report Post