Oh dang, can someone please turn on a nightlight or something, because things just got DARK.

Yes, we got a glimmer of hope in the last moments of the episode, but everything else about Memento Mori was deliciously unsettling. Octavia has a case of Gramma-Arm! Everyone knows Clarke is gonzo! Murphy didn’t pull a fast one, he really is bargaining for immortality! Madi is being manipulated by The Gatekeeper! There were NO cookies!

Things are not looking great for our beloved Adventure Squad, and it’s a total bummer, and I LOVE IT.

The episode opened on a series recap by the Beautiful Creepster, and Jo was all, “wowwwwww, the narrative FLIES!” He told her all about Abby’s plot line (how many eye-rolls did Jo give, do you think?), and filled her in on exactly how to manipulate everyone.

Is there a parenting booked titled How to Avoid Accidentally Turning Your Host-Body’s Adoptive Daughter Into a Psycho? Because that’s exactly what Jo just did by pulling Madi out of her skype call without ejecting her mind first.

Jo was all, “no big,” and sauntered off. Gaia’s face was like, “did that bitch just-” She is 100% onto Jo, and has been from the start.

Aaaaand now Madi has to deal with a level 5 omnipresent mansplainer. GREAT. Nice going, JO!

Then all of our hearts rejoiced as a sexy girlband sauntered in, looking for some hot goss.

“Clarke” and Murphy convinced the Squad that they should just go along with a horrifying situation in order to survive, and everyone was like, “fine, whatever.” Raven and Emori went to gain some sweet sweet knowledge, Echo went in search of her BF, and Murphy went to convince his imprisioned pal to just chill the eff out.

Bellamy was all, “oh, they’re offering us a deal? Cool, cool, cool, ORRRRRR, we could just murder a ton. Just a whole whack of murder. Stick with what you know, right? Haha, anyway, seriously, who should we murder first?” Bellamy is a hot, grieving mess, and that is as it should be.

Xavier took a look-see at Octavia’s Gramma-arm and told her she’s got a common case of “time-dialation” (WTF??), that can be cured with some mystery meds only found back in FernGully. So off he went with Diyoza, and my buddy-cop fan-fiction was born!

He showed her some magic tree-goop that heals cuts and Diyoza was like, “as long as it doesn’t smell like coconut, ammiright!” and they both threw their heads back in laughter and high-fived then ate some hotdogs and drank some cool brewskies on the porch.

Raven should never be a spy. Girl sassed Riker so hard that he immediately surmised the jig was up. They had a fun chat about whether or not what the Primes are doing is wrong (it is). At least he seemed sort of sheepish about it? Later he gave her a show-and-tell of the things his snatched-bodies had made, and Raven was like, “you are the absolute stinkiest,” and he was like, “damn, when you put it like that…” This relationship is fun.

Echo found a dude getting eaten by a tree (hahaha, this show!), and tried to get him out. She failed (“they’re inside me” *shudder), then tried to mercy-kill him with a rock. Just some regular, everyday stuff! Jade stopped her and was all, “respect our culture!” and Echo was like, “being slowly eaten by trees?” and Jade was like, “obviously,” and the rando guy was like, “I don’t mind if you don’t respect our culture this one time,” and Echo was all, “well there ya go,” and Jade said nothing else because she was unconscious (Echo is so badass and I love her with all my soul).

Bellamy figured out pretty quickly that Murphy is working an angle, and they got into a spat about what the right thing to do would be. Of course they both brought up the ultimate question regarding any moral quandry – WHAT WOULD MONTY DO??? I think we have our answer from Jordan’s reaction to this whole situation, but whatever Murphy, go off.

“Don’t worry, I’ll do my best to make sure they only kill you.”

Meanwhile, Madi was dealing with a bro-mander who just would NOT take a hint, so Gaia decided to do a Flame-Exorcism (a flamercism?) with the past commanders backing her up.

[I became so damn excited to see both Becca and Lexa at this juncture that I actually said OUT LOUD, alone in my school’s break-room, “it’s happening, everyone remain calm!”]

Alas, the Gatekeeper ate them or something.

This did not go well! The Bro-mander was like, “teacher’s are for chumps, ammiright?” and Madi was all, “um, no?” and the Bro-mander just laughed and did the loser sneeze. When she woke up, Gaia had chained her to the bed! They gave each other some serious ‘tude, but I’m sure that’s fine.

Jo did NOT hold back! She went on a race down horrible memory lane, bringing up all sorts of shit that Abby did in order to make her feel guilty enough to try to save someone “good.” Was this negging? Where you make the other person feel so terrible about themselves that they then want to impress you? GROSS, Jo. Just gross.

There were a few moments when it seemed Abby would call her out, and maybe she’s starting to suspect and is just playing the long game *crosses fingers*. Anyway, she’s off to the mothership to make more nightblood (and hopefully to WAKE UP INDRA).

Since Jo had been tossing out promises of immortality like it’s a bead necklace at mardi gras, she had to free up some space on the imortal-hard-drive. Goodbye forever, Kaylee!! Jo and her mom wiped her whole family out of existence in order to make room for Kane, Abby, Murphy and Emori. This feels like a HUGE commitment to four people they assume they will now spend ETERNITY with. Like, jeez guys, at least ask them what their favourite movies are, or make sure they don’t eat with their mouths open.

It did not take much for Echo pry answers from this lady, but in all honesty, she intuited most the answers all by herself. Girl is so smart and foxy.

Bellamy had a lot of visitors! First Jo tried to kill him, then the Beautiful Creepster showed up with Russel to try and reason with him, then Jo cut him loose so he could attack her dad, then Bellamy DIDN’T, then Jo gave the Beautiful Creepster the Matrix Bugs. Man or man, this was a roller coaster.

I’m unclear on how much of it was staged, and how much played out naturally. Did Jo and Murphy conspire to set this up? Was Russel in on it? Or did Murphy just get lucky?

You guys! The anomaly is calling them! But instead of texting like a civilized person, it’s sending messages through drawings and solar-flared-gramma-hands! This is a particularly exciting development for many a reason, but mostly because these three together are MAGIC. I am loving this dynamic, and I want an entire episode devoted to their loving banter. Head on into that anomaly, you beautiful misfits!

Back at Sanctum Headquarters, Echo came back to find everyone already privy to the knowledge she was bringing. She was VERY ready to avenge Clarke (my lady-love heart BURST OPEN), but Bellamy was all, “welllllllllllll, about that, let’s just not, I guess?”

Then it was time to tell Madi, and honestly the choice to pan out and only see her physical reaction was beautiful. Everyone was killing it this episode. Seeing how Clarke’s “death” has affected each one of them was devastatingly gorgeous.

I AM UPSET. Madi is being corrupted by Shiedheda, and he made her banish Gaia!!! The ONLY thing that will make me feel better about this is if Gaia joins AnomalyKru. I would love to see the dynamic of Gaia and Octavia after all the shit they’ve been through.

Anyway, Madi asked for some advice from her new brain-roommate on how to “kill them all,” so that’ll be interesting/horrifying! (High-fives and a pack of sour patch kids to Lola Flannery for this scene. Damn, girl!)

THEN we checked in with Jo and her night-night routine (was that a sleeping pill?), and just as she drifted off, we saw a glimpse of…

OG CLARKE! In her old cell on the Ark! Except this time it’s covered in her own series-recap drawings! I am very pleased with this development. Very pleased.

If I’m being honest, I never really thought she was gone for goodsies. BUT, it is still nice to get confirmation, because it would be very The 100 to throw a leading protagonist’s legit death at us. Above all else, though, I’m pumped to get inside Clarke’s head. Literally. We’re going to get to see her inner demons, and maybe have her inner demons fight Jo’s inner demons, and MY GOD THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE EXCITED I GET.

SOME STUFF

“She was fairly awesome by the way.” – “Yeah, unless you got in her way.” This made me very, very sad. Our Beautiful Creepster didn’t seem to be mourning very much, did he? His sense of season 5 betrayal still seems a bit extra to me, but FINE, we’ll see where this goes.

Soooo… the rando tree-lunch blamed himself for Rose’s death because he let down the shield for the Adventure Ship. He figured his best course of action was to get eaten by a tree. And then Jade was like, “don’t interrupt the process! He chose this!” What… what PART of that did he choose???

Octavia telling Xavier to cut her arm off is just so OCTAVIA.

Is Echo going to remember to go get Jade? I have a feeling some of that scene was cut. All Jade told her was that Bellamy was still alive, and Echo very enthusiastically was like, “thank you for being truthful.” Haha, get a location, girl!

Madi’s happy thought is meeting Clarke! *heart eyes*. What would your happy thought be? Mine is that one time I was accidentally given three scoops instead of two. My God, I have never experienced such a moment of pure joy…

Everything Diyoza says and does is pure, badass delight. I’m so happy she survived last season.

Would you play a getting-to-know-you game before inviting someone to share eternity with you? Maybe never-have-I-ever?

OKAY BYE STAY SAFE OUT THERE!

