WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the obnoxious, nonstop attempts to aid his investigation, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly annoyed Friday that a chipper, overeager Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) keeps constantly sending him evidence he’s already uncovered. “Christ, he just emailed me a Washington Post link with the subject line ‘BOMBSHELL’—I know the kid just wants to help, but this article is about work I completed months ago,” said the visibly exasperated special counsel, adding that Schiff woke him up with a 2:00 a.m. phone call to excitedly inform him about a CNN report on new indictments that Mueller had filed. “No shit, Sherlock—what the hell does he think I’ve been doing for the past two years? I’m starting to think he believes I wasn’t already aware of the Trump Tower meeting. If he comes up to me and asks ‘Is this a clue?’ one more time, I’m going to fucking lose it.” At press time, Schiff had reportedly stumbled upon irrefutable proof of a conspiracy between President Trump and Russia, but kept it to himself because he didn’t want to get on Mueller’s nerves again.

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