Many people are obsessed with the afterlife. We all seem to have this insatiable need to know what will happen to us after death. But most people don’t know the real meaning of terms associated with the afterlife.

Here, then, is a list of such terms, with my definitions. Is this meant to be serious or humorous? I will leave that up to you to decide.



Angel – A non-material being that uses his or her powers for good, and serves God’s will. Also, an attractive woman – particularly one who pays attention to me.

Bosom of Abraham – Rabbinic Jewish term for the “place” the righteous dead go while they await the final judgment.

Cthulhu – Mythical creature whose “call” invokes a long heavy-metal guitar solo.

Dark Angel – An angel who is not evil, but has a fascination with dark or mysterious things. These can be quite sexy, even “naughty” – but they’re not evil.

Devil – Someone who can be blamed for almost anything. “The devil made me write this nonsense!”

Eternity – length of time typically spent on hold when trying to reach a doctor.

Fallen Angel – A demon. Contrary to what many think, these are not the slightest bit sexy.

Gehenna – Jewish and Christian term for the place or state of the wicked after death, usually understood to involve either eternal torment, destruction, or some combination of the two.

Hades – Greek God of the underworld; also a term for the “place” or state of the dead before the final judgment.

Heaven – Place or state of the righteous after death. Rumored to be filled with beautiful women, cute furry animals, and copious amounts of liquor.

Heck – Place where the moderately wicked suffer a moderate amount of torment for an unspecified amount of time. Going to heck is bad, but not as bad as going to hell.

Hell – Popular term for Gehenna, more often used because it’s really awkward to tell someone to “go to Gehenna”.

Higher Dimension – Place of bliss found solely in the mind of a New-Ager.

Infinite – Number of lists like this I could make.

Judgment Day – Second movie in the “Terminator” series.

Karma – Vehicle that often runs over dogmas.

Lucky Day – What most people hope to have the day after they die.

Moksha – Liberation from the cycle of Samsara; popularized by the song “My moksha brings all the boys to the yard.”

New Jersey – Place of suffering for the truly despicable; said to be worse than hell.

Nirvana – Buddhist term for union with God or the universe; also, a fun but over-rated band from the 1990’s.

Oblivion – Where the United States currently seems to be heading.

Paradise – What a gambler rolls right after placing his or her bet.

Pot – place similar to hell. “Going to pot” is presumed to be a very bad thing indeed.

Purgatory – Destination of many Catholics after death. Also called “hell lite.”

Question Mark – Form of punctuation most fitting to the afterlife.

Repose – To sit for a photograph a second time.

Samsara – Hindu and Buddhist term for the process of rebirths undergone by the soul on the way to achieving union with God or the universe. More commonly called reincarnation.

Speculative Theology – what any talk of the afterlife ultimately comes down to.

Taphophile – Someone who is obsessed with death.

Universal Consciousness – New-Age equivalent of heaven, valued precisely because only the “cool” people get to it.

Universalist – Someone who dares to believe that when Jesus said “It’s not my Father’s will that any of these be lost,” He really meant it.

Valhalla – In Norse mythology, a place where those killed in a “righteous” battle go after death.

Worm Food – What most people become after death.

You-Know-Where – Common euphemism for hell.

Zombie – What you will become if you keep reading this crap.