by Brad Jacobson

President Bush, who recently revealed he gave up playing golf on Aug. 19, 2003 because it “sends the wrong signal” during a time of war, has ended his near five-year sacrifice. The Wounded-Courier has obtained a rush transcript of the president’s discussion to air tonight on Fox News’ Special Report with Brit Hume. The following is an excerpt from that interview:

BRIT HUME: Mr. President, why did you decide to take up golf again?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, Brit, I’ve proven my solidarity with our troops and their families. I haven’t hit the links for longer than the longest tours of duty of any of our brave fighting men and women. And, quite frankly, I think this country has sacrificed enough.

BRIT HUME: A tremendous sacrifice indeed, Mr. President. I’m sure our citizens will breathe a sigh of relief knowing that our progress in the war on terror is such that their commander-in-chief can once more safely bestride golf courses across America.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Exactly, Brit. The long national nightmare is over. Tomorrow morning, I plan to eat a healthy egg white omelet, maybe a little yogurt and fresh fruit, then I’m off to play a good eighteen holes. (laughs) Maybe more if these ol’ battle-scarred knees allow it.

BRIT HUME: Is it fair to say you’re picking up golf again, sir, should be seen as not only evidence the surge has been successful but also a rallying cry to those young men and women who continue to put themselves in harm’s way so their president can play golf with peace of mind?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, I’m sure there are those out there who won’t make that connection for partisan reasons. But, you know, we’re in the political season. So politics has taken over. I know that. But, look, I’m confident the American people will see this as what it is – a clear victory against the killers who have no respect for the civilized game of golf. A sport our forefathers fought and died for so that we might play today.

BRIT HUME: Mr. President, were there any moments during your near five-year cessation of playing when you didn’t think you’d make it? Any times that specifically tried your soul or caused you to doubt your mettle?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Hmm. You know, not off the top of my – well, there was one very trying time, after Hurricane Katrina. I was flying in Air Force One above the wreckage below and one of my staffers informed me that he’d forgotten to Tivo the previous night’s American Idol. I’ve never told anyone this, Brit. But flying over the devastation of the Gulf Coast at that moment, the thought of not being able to return as soon as possible to the White House and wind down with Ryan, Simon, Paula and Randy and a pint of Chunky Monkey…well, I was just devastated. That’s when, you know, you lean on your faith. Because you’re thinking, “What kind of god would cause me to miss Idol.” I’ll admit I almost played a few holes that day.

BRIT HUME: But–

PRESIDENT BUSH: No, no, I didn’t. I told the American people I don’t waver. In other words, I’m not a waverer. No, I went mountain biking instead that day. I made a promise to our courageous soldiers. A botched Tivo job wasn’t going to cause me to break that sacred oath to them and the American people.

BRIT HUME: Truly inspiring, Mr. President. Positively Churchillian.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I should also mention golf wasn’t the only sacrifice I made in honor of our troops and their families. Another thing I gave up during this difficult time was lollipops. I’m a big fan of lollipops. But you can imagine, a president in a time of war walking around with a stick hanging out of his mouth…well, I didn’t think it sent the right signal either. Also, that candy Bit O’ Honey. It’s taffy-like but nutty, with just a touch of honey. But it’s a little too chewy during wartime. You know what I mean?”

BRIT HUME: Of course, Mr. President. It’s difficult, for example, to warn Iran about engaging us in Iraq when you’re occupied with a gluey yet delicious glop of Bit O’ Honey waging sweet jihad in your mouth.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Exactly. It’s hard work not getting the Bit O’ Honey caught between your teeth. But I think Americans also know at this point in the war that even if they see their president with a stick, you know, dangling from his mouth or, uh, chewing so vigorously on something that he can’t speak, that their country is still secure from those who wish to do us harm. So in other words, Brit, the golf, the lollipops, the Bit O’ Honey – all these options are back on the president’s table.

BRIT HUME: Mr. President, you might even say this Operation Bit O’ Honey, if you will, is a Trojan horse, a clever tactic to lull terrorists into a false sense of your inattention so they lower their guard.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, you know, I won’t reveal security measures that safeguard the homeland. But let’s just say I’ve also got a Charleston Chew in my pocket and I intend to use it during this afternoon’s press conference.

BRIT HUME (winks): I understand, sir. Well, before moving on to the completely unfounded rumors about a planned US attack against Adolf Hitler incarnate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, let me just say, sir, I for one am deeply impressed with your golf sacrifice. I can only imagine the comfort our troops will take in knowing during a time of war that their president gave up golf for nearly five years. Long enough for a sitcom to go into syndication, sir. A remarkable sacrifice that few, if any, Americans can claim to have made as our sons and daughters continue to shed their blood so that democracy may flourish in Iraq.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, thanks for your kind words, Brit.

BRIT HUME: You’re very welcome. And may I say, Mr. President, on behalf of our fighting forces and their families, we salute your courage. If your face doesn’t grace Mt. Rushmore by 2009, they should tear that stony heap down.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Boy, you’re tough. (laughs) I’ll give ’em to 2010.

BRIT HUME: You’re combination of compassion and strength, sir, makes me wish I had opposite sex parts. In an ideal world, I’d conceive your child, buy an obscure island and dedicate the rest of my life to cloning you.

PRESIDENT BUSH: An interesting idea. I suggest, though, (laughs) you take out the gene that gave me bad knees. Really messes with your golf game.

(The full interview will run tonight at 6 p.m. on Fox News.)

Cross-posted from The Wounded-Courier, the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.