'I Know God Forgives Me, But I Can't Forgive Myself,' Says Woman Whose Moral Compass Is More Developed Than God's

AURORA, IN—While she understands the entirety of her forgiveness in God’s eyes granted by the shed blood of Jesus Christ which absolves her of any and all guilt now and forevermore while simultaneously imputing her with the very righteousness of God the Son, local believer Kim Calhoun, due to her incredibly developed sense of morality which eclipses even God’s, revealed to sources Thursday that she cannot forgive herself for her past transgressions.

“I know God forgives me. I know. But I just can’t forgive myself for the awful things I’ve done in my past,” said the 34-year-old, whose ability to properly appropriate guilt and punishment supersedes even that of the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe, adding that she hopes she’ll be able to forgive herself “some day,” after a period of time which she has decided is necessary in addition to the atoning work of Christ in order to fully remove the guilt of her sins.

“I know the perfect Son of God went to the cross on my behalf, but I need to wallow in guilt and shame for a time before I feel like the job’s really done,” she added.

When sources pressed Calhoun, reminding her that the Bible makes clear her complete innocence because of her faith in Jesus Christ, she replied, “You don’t understand,” further illustrating her supreme sense of holiness and justice.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee