Michael Clarke and wife Kyly at Phillip Hughes' funeral. "It took me a lot longer to grieve his loss than it should have, or that I would have liked. "I didn't allow myself to grieve at the time because I had responsibility to his family, firstly, but then also as Australia's cricket captain to my teammates and getting us back out onto the field." Clarke said after Hughes died, he felt fear for the first time while playing cricket. "My greatest strength as a small boy growing up and all through my career was that I was never scared. The faster they bowled, the easier it would be to score. I liked batting without a helmet on occasions; they'd bowl at your head and I'd love playing the hook or the pull shot.

Clarke said he should have retired in 2014. Credit:AP "Even if it was just my subconscious, when I lost one of my best mates playing the game that we love, I think my subconscious worked out that you can actually die playing this sport. Even if it was the smallest bit of fear, you can't play at the highest level like that." Clarke toured the West Indies in June 2015 which he said was a mistake. Clarke with his good friend Hughes. "Going to the West Indies was probably the worst tour of my life in regards to how emotional I was," he says. "I was there on my own. Unfortunately Kyly [his wife] couldn't come because she was pregnant and we weren't comfortable with her flying.

"I had six weeks in the West Indies … whatever we had on as a team during the day I would go back to my room every night and just cry myself to sleep." He said there are days when the pain of missing Hughes is still raw. "I still have days regularly where it's heart-breaking. It's still raw … the emotion and pain is still there." He said having a daughter (Kelsey Lee, 2) had changed his life and he doesn't miss playing cricket. "For me it was perfect timing [to start a family]. It was another reason why I knew it was the right time to retire because I couldn't spend 10 months of the year away from my little girl.

"As a sportsman and a husband I think I was very stuck in my ways. Having a little girl has softened me a lot. I wish we had her 10 years earlier because she's been the best thing for me." Clarke commentates on cricket for Channel Nine and runs the Michael Clarke Cricket Academy, among other business interests. "I was asked this year to play cricket for my club but I said no. I feel the businesses, the commentary and my academy keeps me close enough to cricket without wanting to be back on the field."