I don’t know about you, but after spending last week watching the Norsemen watch the grass grow just outside of Paris, I was ready for a little ak-shun this week!

Ragnar’s genius plan: We will stare at Paris longingly until they take pity on us and open the gates.

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Fortunately, this week they got their viking on and stormed the walled citadel, visions of glory, guts and plunder dancing through their little Scandanavian heads. How well did they score?

Glory

Floki was super-pumped about leading this raid with the gods being so clearly on his side!

“Hey, gods! I totally killed that christian guy just for you! Toot! Toot!”

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Although things started out pretty promising for the raiders from the north, events took a dark turn when none of their tried and true tactics (aka run as fast as you can and kill anything in your path) failed and viking bodies started pile up at the foot of Paris’ walls.

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Unfortch for the Vikings, it seems as if the gods were actually not really paying attention right that very minute (they may have lost interest a little during all the grass-growing-watching as well),

Little known fact: Odin suffers from wicked ADHD

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resulting in Floki becoming trapped in a burning habittrail of his own devising after fleeing from the carnage.

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Hey, Flokes, let me take a moment to French-splain something to you: If a city has been attacked enough times that they felt the need to encircle themselves with giant stone walls, it stands to reason they’ve thought through a few contingencies. Like going over the wall,

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or storming the gate, or beating down the doors. They’ve pretty much thought all of this stuff through about 200 years before you guys showed up! So don’t beat yourself up too much. Except do – because you killed Athestan for nothing!

Guts

What the vikings lacked in achieving glory, they more than made up for in guts!

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Yeah, not that kind of guts. I’m talking about the kind of guts smeared down the Paris walls. And the guts floating in the water. And the guts being burned alive to a crisp in burning oil. So much guts!

Wow, the french REALLY did not like this guy’s hat.

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And speaking of guts, why you tearing my guts out Vikings on History!

Bjorn – noooooooo!!!!!!!! I totally thought he was dead! I mean, he did have 2 freaking arrows sticking out of his back and he had fallen about 40 feet from the parapet, and plus you guys are a bunch of sick, sadistic bastards who keep killing characters that I really like, so you can kind of see why I would have thought that!

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Kidding! Kidding. I love you guys, but stop killing the folks please! Unless it’s Erlandur, because he is a gigantic dick.

Plunder

While the Norsemen were unable to sample the spoils inside the walls of Paris, it doesn’t mean everyone missed out on the plundering!

Earl on Earl Plundering

Kalf of the recently applied hair extensions dragged Lagertha kicking and screaming away from the raid in the tunnel, saving her from a right shish-kebobing. He came around to collect on all the fuzzy feeling Lagertha must be feeling for him only to be informed thusly:

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Kalf’s upper-brain was a little circumspect in the face of this threat, but Kalf’s lower-brain clearly did not agree:

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Guess which brain won?

Booty proclaimed plundered

Yep. I know some of y’all don’t like my man Kalf, but I’m looking forward to watching Lagertha murder him slowly . . .with her magnificent lovin’!

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Eye Plundering

Princess Gisla channeled her inner-Joan of Arc, and rallied the Parisian troops with a lovely table runner and a fiery speech from the ramparts.

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Making Rollo go something like this:

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which caused Gisla to react like this:

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According the Seer, climb him you shall my medieval Gallic sister! Woohoo!!!! Rollo is finally getting a storyline this season that does not involve him feeling super-sorry for himself or engaging in very unsexy mud wrestling!! This is going to be awesome to watch this unfold gloriously before the season ends in 2 episodes!

WHAT! Only 2 more episodes? How could you Vikings! There is still so much to find out! Will the 6 vikings left alive be able to take Paris on the next round? What will be the bloody result of Ragnar’s patience? Should we be worried about how much Ragnar is talking to dead-Athelstan? Should we be more worried about the fact that Ragnar appears to be bleeding internally?

Don’t you dare kill him you fistful of assholes!

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And, as always, how are we going to survive until next season?!!!!

Tune in next week when Gisla does this:

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