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It’s so discouraging to see where things are headed these days. I remember the good old days, when the coloreds were waitin’ on us and the women knew their place. Man, if a woman had the bad grace to get pregnant after a little play time, it was her problem and she knew better than to get all uppity about it. Strom Thurmond, my hero, can tell you all about it. The girls these days want rights to have an abortion if they’re raped! What next? We all know that little fetus is my legacy.

No, I kid, I kid. The Republicans have come a long way. According to Rachel Maddow, “…the Republican Party is, without actually talking about it, this year, nominating a group of candidates for top of the ticket races that are more extreme on the issue of abortion than any other slate of top-of-the-ticket candidates in any year.”

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But gosh, Rachel, there is at least one super small government conservative who is being so generous as to propose giving rape victims three days to decide if they want an abortion. Three days. That’s like an eternity!

A Republican state senator, Don White, from Pennsylvania just proposed this legislation:

“Sen. Don White, R-Indiana, would prohibit private health insurance plans sold in Pennsylvania’s state “exchange” — created under the new federal health care law — from offering abortions and require rape victims to report the crime within 72 hours in order to receive an abortion…

The bill would require also rape survivors to personally report the crime and identify the assailant, if known, within 72 hours in order for their health insurance to cover an abortion procedure.

Susan Frietsche, a member of Pennsylvanians for Choice and senior staff attorney at the Women’s Law Project, said Pennsylvania courts have already ruled “that it’s unconstitutional to make rape survivors jump through the kind of insulting and burdensome hoops this bill would create.”

Nothing says small government like having the government legislate morality. Nothing says pro-life like expecting the victim of a violent crime to make up her mind in three days from said attack about the baby she may or may want to carry to full term. No time for counseling – we’ve got morality to impose on you, sister!

I wonder if anyone told the Senator that if you ask most rape victims on day one or two or three if they want to keep that baby, they’re probably going to say no. They were, after all, just brutally attacked and violated. They may not be in the most likely frame of mind to forgive said attacker and carry his baby for 9 months. I dunno….I’m just thinkin’ out loud here.

There are a few more small problems with this proposed legislation. Like, say, that rape is a highly unreported crime. And when it is reported, it is often way after it took place. And then there’s the simple issue of ….well, a woman who was just raped probably isn’t in the mood for further probing. But heck. This is real progress, like I said.

Because compared to this guy, we have the whole band of Teapublicans who think a woman should be forced to carry the fetus of a rapist to full term, to “make lemons out of lemonade” as Sharron Angle put it.

A spokesman for Mr. White said other states have enacted similar laws and that the senator felt “the time was right” for this legislation.

Yes I’m sure the gentleman from Pennsylvania does think the “time is right for this”. I’m sure if we asked Don, he’d be willing to give up his life for the next careless emission he makes. I mean, you know, if it took. And I think it’s only fair for men who propose legislation like this to show us all how much they stand behind it by walking their talk.

Because I simply could not agree with Don more. I think the time is also right for him to propose the corresponding legislation: All feti will be financially and socially protected from now on. This means that all men will have their sperm tested and catalogued. When a fetus is found to have come from that sperm, an automatic government withdrawal into said man’s bank account will be made for the next 19 years to support said fetus. Furthermore, half of said man’s time will be governmentally mandated to care for said fetus.

This is necessary because according to statistics, most single mothers do not get the child support they are supposed to receive, and we see no reason for the tax payer to have to fund this kind of welfare program for careless emissions. And lastly, we all know the terrible effects of not having a father figure and the number one concern regarding “family values” , so it’s only natural to legislate that biological fathers will have to actually take physical care of their children. This is what God wants. It’s the only moral thing to do. And we all know that morality should be legislated. Why, that’s how we got here in the first place.

This is, after all, small government at work, boys. We don’t want to regulate the air that’s killing you, but we’re highly engaged in regulated any emissions that come from your body. It’s sort of a semi-life stance, if you will; we’re anti-life for live women and pro-life for feti.

I’m just darn proud of the feminist, small government Right for sticking with their principles on this one. Conservatives: telling you what to do every time you turn around and if you won’t do it, they’ll use the government to force you to do it.