Spending money to make things better only works with sport, insists Government

Spending more money in an attempt to make things perform better only works with sports, according to a government spokesperson today.

After Team GB’s record-breaking Olympic success was put down to an influx of money over the last twenty years, the Treasury has insisted this is not how things work in the real world.

Treasury spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “The idea that putting more money into the NHS would make it run much better and deliver better outcomes for everyone is simply preposterous.

“Improving facilities and massively increasing funding for Olympic cyclists obviously improves the quality of those cyclists and their chances of success, but improving facilities and massively increasing funding for our hospitals is a desperate waste of finite government resources – clearly.

“Spending lots of money on the public good is bad, except when it’s good. I hope that clears it up.”

Chancellor Philip Hammond was asked if perhaps the ‘now proven’ success of the Olympic funding model should be used as a framework for his next budget.

He told reporters, “No, don’t be silly.

“Instead, we will continue to do our best to take credit for the successes we didn’t contribute to, which are the result of policies we didn’t support, and a philosophy we don’t believe in.

“Tax cuts and less spending, that’s where the British real success lies. You can quote me on that.”