In case you missed it, recently American politicians been discussing whether or not women actually need birth control, and certain conservative radio hosts referred to birth-control seeking women (specifically singling out a “co-ed” named Sandra Fluke) as slutty and/or prostitutes. Turns out, I’m a huge slut, too.

Honestly, I’m baffled. I can’t believe this conversation is even happening. If you asked me a few weeks ago if our country would be entrenched in a sincere and vitriolic debate about women needing birth control, I’d wonder what kind of conspiracy nut you were that you would even consider such a question. Yet, here we are. Clinging to our pill-packs and our IUDs and trying to explain to the world why we shouldn’t have to explain to our bosses why we need birth control… while trying to talk over the people calling us sluts.

And here I am, a married woman. With two kids, both from my husband. In a monogamous marriage. And my Mirena exactly makes me a slut. Sure, it’s the best birth control option for me, a forgetful woman who dislikes menstruating and doesn’t ever want to be pregnant again. But an IUD is expensive. Fortunately for insurance, I just asked for it, BCBS of TX paid for it, and when I enroll my daughter in kindergarten, I’ll ask my doctor to replace it. No more babies! SLUT!

Without insurance, I realistically wouldn’t be able to afford to get an IUD without saving up for a while… putting me at risk of getting pregnant. Which means that I’d be pregnant with a child that I realistically couldn’t afford, and that my insurance probably would prefer not to pay for. And that baby would leave me unable to afford birth control, probably resulting in yet another pregnancy, and so on… so really it’s in everyone’s best interest that I just have the damn thing.

I suppose I could just not have sex… which would make me a terrible wife, according to the people who are telling me not to have sex if I don’t want a baby… and irrelevant because not having sex is a terrible option.

I mean, yeah, I could chart my periods… but really? My insurance is through my husband’s work. That’s a conversation I’m not even willing to have with my own boss, much less someone else’s. Can you even imagine getting your benefits package and having it include a cycle chart and a basal thermometer in a box labeled “Family Planning Benefits”?

Anyway… the point is that I use birth control. And I use it because I want to have sex without “paying the consequences”… (consequences which I’ve already paid, on purpose, for the record). And this makes me a slut. And since I need this birth control to be covered by insurance, and I expect that it be paid for by my insurance, I’m also a prostitute. (Congrats to my husband, who is now committing a crime every time we do it because he also pays the PPO premuim.)

But, are you a slut? If you’re not sure, Tim Murphy at Mother Jones has provided a flow chart to help you figure that out. There is an interactive version, or for the too-busy-getting-fucked-to-read-and-click-simultaneously demographic, you can just use the standard graphic version below.

What’s the verdict? Are you a slut? How do you feel about this entire birth control conversation going on? Do you think it’s a conversation we need to be having? Are you surprised we’re having it? Are you horrified, embarrassed or reassured about how much people know about birth control in general?

The Afternoon Inquisition (or AI) is a question posed to you, the Skepchick community. Look for it to appear Tuesdays and Thursdays at 3pm ET.