The best and worst of week two – also featuring: viral clips, Puyol’s hair and America’s Funniest Home Videos

Man of the week

Cristiano Ronaldo – setting a European goals record; eyeing a new pay deal to offset his €18.8m tax fraud fine; making this boy’s day; having Madeira Airport ”quietly remove and replace” 2017’s “wonky” bronze bust; and debuting a new CR7 goatee: “It brought me luck. It stays.”

• Runner-up:

Also keeping busy – Neymar, trying to slip a dive past VAR before telling referee Bjorn Kuipers: “Don’t touch me, don’t touch me”; and upbraiding his personal stylist Nariko and his personal colourist Wagner Tenorio for their work so far. Brazil’s Meia Hora: “His appearance is that of a cockatoo.”

Couple of the week

Back together at last: former Russia 2018 bid leader Vitaly Mutko and Sepp Blatter, dining out in Moscow on the anniversary of Fifa clearing Mutko’s bid of corruption. The 430-page Fifa ethics report said Russia had cooperated fully with the inquiry, though had been able to make “only a limited number of documents available for review … This was explained by the fact that the computers used at the time had been leased, then destroyed in the interim.”

• Sepp’s summer highlights so far: an audience at the Kremlin (“Putin invited me to his apartment. It’s not the first time I’m there”) and fans asking for selfies. “How I was received, with cameras and all the rest ... it made me feel as if this is my World Cup.”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Dinner date: Vitaly Mutko and Sepp Photograph: Aaron Chown/PA

Wager of the week

Russia team doctor Eduard Bezuglov – unhappy with doping “insinuations” in the English media after stats showed Russia’s players covering more distance in their first two games than any other squad. “Russia’s players have given more than 300 [clean] samples this year. I’m ready to wager a bottle of low-fat milk that the English haven’t given that many.”

Decree of the week

Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov: denying he used Egypt’s summer stay in Grozny to launder his image – “We don’t use this kind of thing for politics” – then granting Mo Salah honorary citizenship at a farewell gala banquet. “Yes, that’s right! Tonight I signed a decree conferring this high award on this great footballer. Mohamed Salah is an honorary citizen of the Chechen Republic!”

David Squires on … more of the World Cup highlights and lowlights so far Read more

Struggle of the week

@Lord_Sugar: handling the fallout from his “beach-sellers” tweet before taking PR advice – “It’s meant to be funny for god sake”, “I cant see what I have to apologise for; you are OTT; its a bloody joke”, “It’s been interpreted wrong, it’s funny” – and after: “I deleted the tweet, and I’m very sorry.”

• Also feeling regret:

a) Burger King Russia, sorry for a campaign offering free Whoppers to anyone who gets pregnant via a World Cup star (“it turned out to be too insulting”); b) John Terry, sorry for the misunderstanding after writing during Vicky Sparks’s World Cup commentary debut: “Having to watch this game with no volume”; and c) Diego Maradona, sorry for smoking during Argentina’s game against South Korea in breach of ground regulations, but not sorry for “pulling his eyes wide” at South Korea fans. “I just saw an Asian boy wearing an Argentina shirt. I, from afar, tried to tell them how nice it seemed that even the Asians cheer for us. And that’s all, guys, come on.”

Clips of the week

Among the most retweeted: Milad Mohammadi’s aborted somersault throw-in; Gerard Pique rescuing a bird; Argentina’s TyCSports pundits holding an on-air minute’s silence for the death of their team; Senegal’s dance practise; Aliou Cisse’s first pump; Roy Keane giving ITV the edgy surliness they paid for; and Portugal’s Pepe, reacting to being patted on the shoulder against Morocco by doing what Pepe does.

Jamie (@jmemc10) How do I explain to my 5 year old son that this was a grown man’s idea at the 94th minute to keep his country in the World Cup pic.twitter.com/uAUfW55KRE

Setback of the week

Carles Puyol, travelling to Iran to be star pundit for IRTV 3, but denied entry to the studio “due to his looks”. Media said his long hair breached rules on styles that help “spread foreign culture”; host Adel Ferdosipour: “You may be aware Carles Puyol was scheduled to be with us. However, he is in his hotel right now. I did everything I could but it didn’t happen. I apologise.”

Strongest sequel

From ITV’s Sam Matterface, building on his Mel from Mel and Sue success: “He’s a big keeper. He’s 6ft 6. He’s the same height as Kobe Bryant and just a tiny bit taller than the former Stars In Your Eyes host Matthew Kelly.”

Best rallying cry

Croatia’s Nikola Kalinic, 14 June, calling for the side to unite, “focus on the three points” and play as a team against Nigeria: “If we show our true level, no doubt we’ll progress.” 18 June: Sent home for refusing to go on as a sub.

Good week for

Rúrik Gíslason, Iceland midfielder and part-time model, putting on 309,722 new social media followers, up 962%, “due to being good looking”. It took his total past 341,900, more than Iceland’s population.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Rúrik Gíslason: up 962% Photograph: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

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Most defiant

The 0.4% of Iceland’s TV viewers who didn’t watch their opener against Argentina, sticking with the output on the nation’s other main channels instead: America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Biggest Loser, and a Great British Bake Off re-run.

Theme of the week

Fans booking hotels in the wrong city. This year’s best effort so far: four Spain fans calling emergency services after arriving in Rostov Veliky, 800 miles away from Rostov-on-Don. Reports say emergency 112 operators spoke to their taxi driver, and “helped resolve the issue”.

And blessing of the week

Twitter user @paola__janet, sharing a video of her grandmother blessing each of Mexico’s players as they appeared on her TV screen during the pre-Germany game anthem. 1.16m likes and counting.