Washington D.C.—

The Trump Administration’s zero-tolerance immigration policies mandating the separation of babies and children from their parents at the Mexican border were reportedly authored by executive adviser Stephen Miller, and were reported to have been jerked off on by Mr. Miller before submitting them to the Department of Justice for review.

“I had to handle these policy reports, and let me just say that I very nearly quit that day,” explained a White House aide who requested anonymity to candidly discuss his or her absolute disgust in seeing the condition of the stacks of papers churning out from Mr. Miller’s office. “There were stains all over the paragraphs, sometimes so many that the wording of the policies were indecipherable. It appears that draconian, xenophobic and racist immigration policy really gets Stephen off.”

An anonymous staffer from the Department of Justice, who witnessed the condition of the policy reports, agreed with that assessment.

“The policy paper that recommended that the Trump Administration only give back the immigrant children to their parents if they agreed to be deported was so crusty and full of Stephen’s ejaculate that it broke in half. Think about that. It was five pieces of paper stapled together, and I saw it literally break in half. Stephen Miller is a real f***ed up guy.”

The Halfway Post reached out to Mr. Miller for a comment, but his secretary would only inform us that he was busy in his office with his “do not disturb” sign hanging on his door handle, which meant he was busy drafting new immigration policies.

“When he’s got his sign flipped to ‘do not disturb,’ it means he’s hard at government work,” explained Miller’s apparently oblivious secretary. “Sometimes he’s working so hard that I hear groans coming from behind his door. That boy has some energy for public policy, let me tell you!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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