Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.

Larry Culpepper, the former concession vendor and self-proclaimed inventor of the College Football Playoff, is getting a second chance courtesy of Nick Saban.

Typically reserved for coaching staff, Saban's wildly successful coaching rehabilitation program is making an exception for the recently unemployed Culpepper. According to sources close to the program, Culpepper will serve as the Crimson Tide's assistant hydration consultant and share a room with intern analyst Butch Jones.

Treatment coordinator Lauren Harris said Culpepper will undergo a standard orientation program before he is allowed onto the field or contact with any of the players. He is also required to assist Butch Jones with his daily routine of washing and waxing Nick Saban's vehicle.

"First and foremost, Larry will not be allowed to serve Dr. Pepper or any other beverage that isn't water or Gatorade to our students and staff. That's actually not a new rule. We had to put that in place when Kiffin was here," explained Harris. "Larry will also be required to take a vow of silence because he is incredibly annoying."

While the average length of stay at Saban's rehab program is three years, college football experts believe Culpepper will be offered full-time employment within a few months thanks to his cheerful disposition and close resemblance to the team's former defensive coordinator, Kirby Smart.

"We've already received several calls from schools asking if they're the same person," stated Harris. "Ole Miss actually sent someone up here with a contract yesterday. The sad part is, they know he's not Kirby Smart. They're just that desperate."

If that deal falls through, fans can expect Culpepper to roam the Tide's sideline this season where he will inevitably be yelled at by Nick Saban for peddling Dr. Thunder in the student section.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich]