I don’t care if Christians pray. I don’t care if they think prayer can solve world hunger, end wars, or heal the sick. I don’t care if they pray together or pray alone. I do not care about prayer in the same way that I do care about masturbation. Prayer, like masturbation, is a personal thing. Where I start to care, no wait, where I violently appose prayer, is when Christians ask to pray with me. I view it in the same way I would if somebody asked me to watch them jack off. Um, no thanks.

Take lunch yesterday. I have a spot that I enjoy once or twice a week. I’m such a regular that the owner will boot people from my table if I walk in to find it occupied. This happened yesterday with a 80-year-old man. I vetoed the owner asking him to move, but my kindness was repaid with the insult and assault of prayer. He came over to my table when my delicious campechana arrived and offered to pray over my meal with me. I stood up, looked him in the eye and said, “That’s not going to happen. Mind you damn business.”

I cannot figure out what possess complete strangers to offer prayer like this. I eat at this restaurant because I can sit at my table and eat in glorious peace and quiet. I don’t even have to talk. Unless I say something, my normal meal appears like magic. The disruption of a shared prayer is the exact opposite social experience I’m looking for. Christians of the world, just stop this nonsense.

How do you handle these unwanted prayer assaults?