With the election slipping ever further from his grasp, it’s thought that Donald Trump will now use the momentum from his failed campaign to launch his own far-right television network. But what will the Trump News Network’s output be? The Guardian has received an exclusive leak of TNN’s opening schedule.

6am – What Just Happened?

Your early morning bulletin, where a beautiful woman reads the furious barrage of splenetic tweets that Trump inevitably wrote and sent while sitting on his golden toilet between the hours of 2am and 5am the previous night.

9am – Alex Jones and Friends

Live from a tinfoil-lined bunker full of bottled urine three feet below his mother’s house, Alex Jones from Infowars hosts a lively magazine show about the issues of the day, with special guests including Mike Huckabee (via malfunctioning Skype feed), a photo of Fox Mulder and a dirty pillow with a face drawn on it in lipstick.

11am – Melania!

Photograph: Mike Segar/Reuters

The current Mrs Trump’s daytime talkshow. Today, Melania chats to Melissa Joan Hart, Gary Busey and the owner of the world’s fattest dog while simultaneously blinking out an urgent request for sanctuary in Morse code direct to camera.

1pm – The Trumpprentice

A three-hour compilation from NBC’s long-running reality show The Apprentice, comprising clips featuring nothing but Donald Trump. This week, Trump walks parallel to a helicopter, Trump says “What are you, a dummy?” to an unseen contestant offscreen, and Trump reacts to an unheard joke by smirking like a Goodfellas extra who’s been carved out of contaminated meat and then electrocuted.

4pm – The Adventures of Crooked Hillary

Children’s animation. Crooked Hillary and her friend Ben Ghazi have been hiding emails all over town! Will she apologize, or will Officer Don’s special prosecutor throw her back in jail where she belongs, the bitch?

5pm – Trump’t

Donald Trump Jr and Eric Trump present this hilarious hidden camera show. Today, Chris Christie sees a doughnut on the floor and eats it, but the doughnut has piss on it and he cries. Then he dies because the doughnut is also poisonous. The end.

6pm – Shootin’ With Putin

Photograph: ITAR-TASS/Reuters

Friend of TNN and all-round great guy Vladimir Putin takes off most of his clothes and shows us the best way to murder things from a distance. Deer, bears or leftwing radicals, it really doesn’t matter so long as there’s a warm gun in his rugged hands. Theme tune: On Blueberry Hill, performed by Putin.

7pm – RIGGED! With Donald Trump

Failed presidential candidate Trump rails against different aspects of a system that he feels is intrinsically weighted against him. This week: Why Do I Always Get Put Near A Screaming Kid Whenever I Go On A Plane?

9pm - That’s My Girl!

Sitcom. Old Man Trump’s eyesight is failing, and he can’t stop trying to nonconsensually force his tongue into his nurse’s mouth. Only problem is, his nurse is also his daughter! Awkward!

10pm – Sean Hannity

Photograph: Rick Scuteri/AP

The big money transfer from Fox News hosts a prestigious analysis show, notorious for its segments where the host keeps looking offstage, gulping and then immediately apologizing whenever he says anything that displeases his paymasters.

11pm – Gropenight

Nightly talkshow. An all-star panel of Trump, Roger Ailes and Bill Cosby debate the day’s news while simultaneously using their absurd male privilege to force themselves upon a series of cowering women who are clearly gagging for it because they’re too terrified and embarrassed to immediately file a police report.

12am – My Two Pence

Former potential vice-president Mike Pence closes out the schedule by denying that any of today’s shows actually ever happened and suggesting that we’ve all somehow misread the existence of this entire network on a deeply profound level.

2am to 6am – Infomercials

Tiny rings and pussy grabbers.