"Of course," you agree. You think you might like where this is going.

"Listen, John, I know you're in a tough spot here."

"It's these tea partiers," you begin.

"They think I'm from Kenya."

"I know," you say.

"Ridiculous," the president snorts. He hands you a glass.

"All that aside," you tell him, "They're right: We can't keep spending trillions. I'm not going to tell them I agreed to a bill that'll drive us further into debt."

The president motions for you to sit down.

"Look, I'm on board with that. I'm not a big-spending guy. I'm supposed to be a moderate here. But look, when a financial crash happens, you wind up throwing a trillion at it to try to keep people out of bread lines, and now here we are," Obama says.

You both sip your bourbons on the Oval office couches and consider.

"$37 billion," the president says. "I'll tell them you talked me into it. I tried to reason with you, but I didn't have a choice. You threatened to hold us hostage, but we worked it out in the end. You walk away with $4 billion in the Treasury's pocket. You tell them I agreed to talk about further cuts in the future, and that this is what leadership looks like."

Do you:

Take the deal (Go to Page 11)

Offer Obama $40 billion in cuts (Go to Page 7)

You Strike a Deal, Become Best Friends with Obama, and Co-Star in a Buddy-Cop Film

"I like you, John," the president says. "Just keep those riders out of it. I like Planned Parenthood, and I listen to NPR."

"Mr. President, you've got yourself a deal," you tell him.

The two of you stand, clasping hands firmly, and down what's left of the bourbon in your glasses. You emerge from the Oval Office to a disbelieving Cantor and a stunned cadre of White House aides.

At a joint press conference announcing the deal, your mutual affection is evident. You make jokes and pat each other on the back.

Miramax offers you a deal to co-star in a buddy-cop film entitled "D.C. Hustle, featuring Speaker and The Prez" with Seth Rogen cast as the rookie tag-along/comic-relief character.

The deal passes, and the government continues to function.

You Win, Are Anointed King of the Tea Party.

Weeks go by without the federal government operating, but you find that the American people don't mind so much.

Emboldened by your experience confronting the White House, you call a press conference and deliver a speech outlining what you call "fiscal reality." You nail it, and you take no questions afterward.

Eventually, the White House caves. You secure a deal to cut $55 billion from the federal government, and the bill includes no funding for Planned Parenthood or NPR.

Tea partiers go wild, hoisting you into the air as you leave the Captiol after the vote, rhythmically chanting "Boeh-ner! Boeh-ner!"

In a unanimous vote among Glenn Beck, Freedomworks Chairman and former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, billionaire libertarian financier David Koch, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and the leaders of Tea Party Express and Tea Party Patriots, you are anointed King of the Tea Party.