GLADEWATER, TX—Following the Texas governor’s announcement that the state’s economy will begin reopening later this week, local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway. “I’ve worked nights here for years, and I’ve seen shit a lot worse than a deadly, incurable disease come through those doors,” said the East Texas server, explaining that she had long ago made peace with the fact that she was likely to die the next time she clocked in for a shift at the 24-hour diner franchise, which according to police records has been the site of four armed robberies so far this year. “I honestly have no idea how I’m still alive. You seen some of the deadbeats we get in this place? Every time I refill someone’s coffee I’m afraid I’m interrupting a meth deal. Back in February, we had EMTs wheeling a dead guy out of the men’s room. It’s only a matter of time before a fight breaks out, some shitheel some starts firing a gun, and my number’s up.” At press time, Jefferson was seen wrestling a knife out of a fry cook’s hands after he threatened to stab her over a substitution request in a ham and cheese omelet.

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