What Happens in Vegas…Is Rarely Love

If you're planning a date, don't do something that's supposed to be flashy or impressive, like go to a fancy restaurant or go to Vegas or go see Cirque du Soleil. Instead, go walk on the beach or go walk in the woods or just go for a walk, wherever you are. And that, to me, is a great pace by which two people can socialize and become familiar and see if there's a ground upon which they can meet and dance and caper about and ultimately love each other.

Don't Netflix, Don't Chill

I would say you have to earn the privilege of Netflix and Chill by first going on a walk and achieving a comfort level. I'm very old-fashioned, so I would rather say Knit Scarves and Chill. That's a much more prudent practice.

Do Give Prospective Mates the “Yacht Test”

One way to decide who you might build a romantic relationship with is by getting together with a small group of potential suitors near a yacht. Then you can say, “Look at that yacht. Who likes that yacht, and who doesn't like that yacht, and why?” You can begin to discern some life decisions. If one person says they love that yacht because it looks like rap videos, and that's how they hope their life ends up, then I would call that a red flag.

The Secret to Everlasting Love? Wiper Fluid

Of course you must delight in the person, and you must have fun, and you must find a romantic spark, but once you do, it's like test-driving a car, to be base. Sure, it looks amazing, and one test-drive might tell you, “Okay, this qualifies for further inspection.” You don't want to just go for a test-drive and go, “Oh, windows work. Okay, great.” You're gonna want to test out every possible mishap. And that's what you should do to create your foundation. Then, once you do and say, “Okay, this is my van. I love this van, and we will stay together until death do us part, and it will protect my household and we will stay happy and healthy,” you have to maintain that van. That van needs tires and brake pads and paint and software upgrades and wiper-blade replacements. And don't forget about the wiper fluid.

If You Love Someone, Write It in Stone—or at Least on a Stone

What people often say to me when I say “Make your significant other a card” is “Eh, I'm terrible at that stuff, I can't.” I'm like, “Look, the clumsier the better.” If you take a section of flagstone and write on it with a huge flat marker, (a) that's a dope-ass work of art and (b) that says to your person, “Even though I'm Fred Flintstone and all I could come up with was a flat rock, I love you—and so substantially that here's a 17-pound card. There you go.”

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