I’ve been on several first dates completely fucking high. Of course, most people usually start a date sober and work their way to being stoned but I was never one for being normal (especially when it comes to dating). I once met a dude at a bar across the street from my place and in lieu of a drink, we stopped by the medicinal marijuana store on my block, walked back to my apartment and smoked a joint on my balcony. Turns out, pot was pretty much all we had in common but that doesn’t matter when you’re both giggling at a squirrel. I’ve been on two other first dates with two different guys who offered me ecstasy ten minutes into our date (both dates were at nightclubs, so at least the atmosphere was appropriate). One date ended with us having with really fantastic sex. The other guy I ended up dating for half a year and I was always worried about how many liberties I’d have to take if we had children and they asked how mommy and daddy met. “Well, Xander,” (yes, my imaginary son’s name is Xander) “It was a Friday night and Daddy offered Mommy MDMA before learning her last name. We tripped balls well into Sunday morning. It was so very romantic. The parts I can remember, anyway.” Since those dates worked out successfully, I tried it yet again.

I had a huge fight with my then-roommate, who tried to convince me to wash the dishes by putting the contents of the entire sink on top of my bed. I was furious and in a horrible mood. This was all right before a big first date I was really looking forward to. My quick-fix solution? I downed a couple of ecstasy pills and met him at the Arclight cinemas for a showing of Spiderman 3. My mistake was going on a date with a man who occasionally has a second beer if he’s feeling “randy”. Turns out he was clearly not a let’s-get-high-on-a-first date kind of guy, as I surmised from the confusion on his face when I couldn’t stop rubbing my hands all over his corduroy jacket, yammering on about how pretty the moon looked while dancing in the concessions line to music playing only in my head. My energy had to be explained, so I told him I had a long day of work and drank three Redbulls. Did he buy it? Probably not, since he seemed fairly freaked out by me the whole night. Hey, at least I had a pretty sweet time even if my date didn’t. And Spiderman 3 is actually pretty good if you’re rolling while watching it! So what’s the downside to all this? Drugs make for a pretty awesome date, but too bad it’s with somebody imaginary.

When your drug-filled stupor clears, you’re left with somebody you don’t really like or even know. And that makes it extra awkward when you’ve already made plans to meet his parents or have sworn your love for each other. Next time, save yourself some trouble and wait at least for date two to whip out the illegal substances.