DENVER—In an unconscious effort to channel his panic into a more conducive outlet, local man Erik Johnson had reportedly sublimated his existential terror about the United States’ continued descent into authoritarianism Monday by launching a campaign to get a journalist fired for an insensitive tweet. “This type of behavior is completely sickening, and I, for one, won’t stand for it,” said Johnson, successfully diverting his mounting horror about the nation’s increasingly powerful and unaccountable ruling class into a prolonged attempt to seek retribution against a Denver Post staff writer for an online message he viewed as insensitive to those with mental health issues. “It’s outrageous that someone with this cruel and disgusting attitude is still getting paid by a major news outlet. I urge everyone to boycott the paper until she is fired, because I firmly believe people like this deserve to be driven from public life [because I can do nothing to prevent the rising tide of fascism and this gives me an illusory feeling of control over my own existence].” At press time, Johnson was reportedly feeling a small sense of relief about the state of the country after the journalist he was targeting had been doxxed and forced to flee her apartment.

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