They’re HOLDING the country to RANSOM, these SNP thugs! Luckily The Times has alerted us, with its headline: “John Major warns of SNP coup.” And you can see this just from looking at Nicola Sturgeon, she’s got coup written all over her. She’s like Idi Amin in a red dress.

Their plan for this coup is not only to get their members elected, but then to send those elected people to the parliament they’ve been elected to, to speak and vote on the issues they were elected to speak and vote about?! And you thought Isis was bad.

An SNP coup to take over England might be the world’s shortest ever coup, as it would be the only one ever carried out by people who didn’t want to be part of the country they’d taken over.

So presumably they’d say: “We’re in charge now. Right, we’ll be off then.”

But to help the coup, as the Telegraph points out, “the SNP is prepared to paralyse Britain’s armed forces. Senior Conservatives warned the move could see troops go unpaid.” In other words, if you vote Labour, our army will be paralysed, and we’ll be at the mercy of any country that wants to invade us by jabbing us with tweezers or pinging us with elastic bands.

Tomorrow there will be another revelation, that the SNP will threaten a minority Labour government with leprosy. They’ll demand that Trident is blown up, otherwise lepers from the Highlands will run around Manchester and London until we all have to live in cordoned-off fields, and Alex Salmond will have control of the ointment that could soothe the itching but he won’t let us have it unless we agree to build a new swimming pool in Dundee.

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Because Labour will be dependent on the SNP, they’ll give all our money away to Scotland, so Glaswegians will be drinking pints of heavy with a gold leaf top, and eating haggis truffles, and they’ll take the Premier League off the air and replace it with curling. And there’ll be nothing Labour can do because they’ll need the SNP’s backing, so John Major has warned we’ll be faced with “chaos and mayhem”.

Major can’t stand chaos or mayhem in a government, which is why when he was Prime Minister he led a calm and united team, only once having to resign and stand for re-election as he was hated by half of his own cabinet who he politely called “bastards”, with no fuss or bother whatsoever.

Former prime minister, Sir John Major, has warned about the impact of a Labour-SNP pact (Getty Images)

The next thing the Conservatives should explain is what Ed Miliband is supposed to do with all these SNP people likely to be elected. He’s already said there won’t be a coalition, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. Cameron’s demand appears to be that whenever an SNP member speaks in the House of Commons, Labour not only ignores them, but plays a compilation of drum ‘n’ bass tracks, while Miliband shouts, “These next beats going out to all da English in da house,” to show they don’t recognise the SNP coup.

It’s possible David Cameron has been misinformed because, from the way he barks, “These are the people who want to break up Britain,” he seems to be under the impression that the SNP are a band of guerrillas operating from the Isle of Lewis. The fact that the SNP contingent will have been elected appears to have passed him by.

You can understand the mistake, as he’s desperate to preserve the United Kingdom, and one way to ensure you retain the support of the Scottish for the union is to spend two years begging them to stay part of the British parliament, then insist no one should even speak to the grubby sods they elect to it.

But at least we can be certain that after the election, the Conservatives will never seek a deal with other parties to stay in power. For example, the Democratic Unionist Party is likely to have eight MPs, who may be crucial in forming a government. Among their reasonable and measured policies is that homosexuality is a sin, and one of their councillors claimed hurricanes are God’s revenge for the “filthy practice of sodomy”.

Their culture minister, Nelson McCausland, made a complaint about the sign that greets tourists at the rock formation known as the Giant’s Causeway, for stating it’s the result of a geological process. This was clearly incorrect, he insisted, as the earth is only 4,000 years old and the Giant’s Causeway was made that way by God.

This is obvious, as only God can have made a rock formation that strong, because if it was just natural, with all the sodomy that goes on in the world it would have blown down by now. So absolutely 100 per cent definitely surely, the Tories are not even considering any sort of discussion about possible pacts with the Democratic Unionists, with their novel views on the relationship between air pressure and sodomy.

Maybe Labour should go on the offensive over this, and insist that a vote for the Tories will result in a coup, in which Britain will be ruled by creationists, paralysing our weather system to cause chaos and mayhem.