Dear Captain Awkward,

SHORT SUMMARY:

I’m trying to find a way to normalise relations with my future sister in law (“Sally”). She has been with my husband’s younger brother (“Bill”) for many years and they’re marrying soon. I’ve been with my husband (“Frankie”) for about half that time and married a year. Sally is simultaneously very polite and welcoming, but quite cool and sometimes scornful (it seems) of things I have done. I admit in several cases this is my fault and would like to make it right. Other times she seems to deliberately exclude Frankie and I from events or avoid invitations from us. Frankie does not like her at all and I try to defend her and get Frankie to accept her, because she is Bill’s partner. I would like to get on better with her and get Frankie to accept her, for peace in the family.

LONG STORY!

Sally and Bill are very successful late-20s professionals in a big city, own their own home and have solid careers. Frankie and Bill’s parents are retired in a nice town. Frankie and I are in our early-30s, work in poorly-paid fields, rent in a much poorer area, and are not as set up in life due to planning to move elsewhere (so we live cheaply and are saving up).

I quite admire Sally, as she has excelled in her (demanding) field, seems to be a really decisive and motivated person, has gone through some hard legal stuff, has made the house look amazing, is really stylish etc. I try to ask about her achievements or compliment her skills (eg. the house, her work, even a nice dress) but she is very dismissive of any compliments. (I don’t say things like “wow you’re the best ever at your job!” but “that sounds like a cool job”, so I hope I don’t come across as sycophantic).

We have never seemed to click.

On the one hand, Sally is a consummate hostess. They hosted Frankie and I several times in their previous home, when we travelled to their city to see the extended family – I would try to buy them dinner in thanks but it was politely refused. (I felt as though we have taken advantage of them, and would suggest staying in a hotel, but Frankie would ask and I wanted him to spend time with his brother. I have said many times I will return the favour if we live somewhere they want to visit).

On the other hand, Sally has sometimes seemed … disgusted (?) by things I have done. Some family friends had visited from abroad, and I had failed to book a restaurant for all of us for dinner – she actually curled her lip and rolled her eyes at Bill. (the dinner turned out fine BTW). I have offered to plan a holiday for us all and pay for a cabin, but never been taken up on it. I have invited them to Frankie’s birthday and chose a date that suited them after contacting Sally to check, but then Sally booked a cabin for herself, Bill and Bill & Frankie’s parents on that same date. I have offered to help with wedding preparation etc but have not been taken up on it.

Sometimes this has definitely been my fault: in one case, a lawyer friend offered to refer her to a colleague re: her legal issue, unfortunately this somehow turned into my friend grilling her for an hour over the issue (when I was not there to stop her doing it!), and I was mortified (I had just wanted her to pass the contact details to Sally, as I had asked Sally beforehand if she wanted more information, and I don’t know how it turned out like it did!). Another time, Sally had very kindly asked if I was OK due to some relationship stress, I confided in her a bit (and was really grateful as no one else had asked) and then I think she attempted to help, in her forthright way (it came across quite bluntly), but Frankie became very angry and stormed away.

It doesn’t help that Frankie has never approved of her and I am concerned that Frankie and Bill’s parents also are (secretly) cool towards her. They have always been very kind to me AND to Sally, and Frankie has said his parents never outright expressed opinions on any partner he or his brother has brought home.

But – at the parents’ house, I made the mistake of laughing a bit about a text Sally had sent me (it can be hard to read tone and I was initially very upset, but was later laughing about it and how I had misunderstood), and somehow that turned into a conversation about her blunt manners. I left the room and later Frankie seemed pleased that maybe their parents share his feelings.

So I am very, very worried that some kind of “them and us” situation will develop, which will cause a division; I often stand up for Sally in discussions where she is not present, as Frankie can be critical of her. I ask: “How would you feel if Bill said these things about me?”; “I can empathise with her, I have similar worries” etc.

I accept that we’ll probably never be bosom friends due to the age gap and different interests, but I would like to become allies and maybe one day friends due to shared experience. I worry perhaps that she might see me as an interloper/stealer-of-thunder, as Frankie and I got engaged and married in a much shorter timeframe?

So I guess I am looking for scripts for three things:

1) to apologise to Sally for those past instances where I’ve made things awkward

2) to say I would like us to have a better relationship, or at least start on making one

3) to help Frankie understand that Bill has chosen Sally, and Frankie needs to get over the issues he has with Sally (I have outright said this, as have his PARENTS, repeatedly, but it is not sinking in!)

Please help –

Stressed-Out Soon-To-Be Sister-In-Law

Hi there!

What I see in your letter: You never clicked with Sally and your husband actively dislikes her. You seem to be taking on a ton of worry and emotional labor around Sally & her relationship with the rest of the family (worry and labor that they don’t seem to share) and I am not sure where this pressure to make things right or the idea that it’s your job in the first place is coming from.

To me, this is one of those bad news/good news situations where a) Bad news, there’s nothing you can do to fix the situation! and b) Good news, there’s nothing you have to do to fix the situation!

Let’s look at the specific scripts you’re looking for.

1) to apologise to Sally for those past instances where I’ve made things awkward

– No need! It sounds like anything that got awkward between you and Sally from her end was minor and is long over, and bringing it up to apologize about it again will probably just make it weirder. It’s extremely unlikely that she’s going to apologize for (or even remember) awkward stuff that she did, like rolling her eyes at you during your family’s visit. An occasional stilted interaction is not a crisis that needs solved. Sometimes the kindest gift you can give someone is space and a clean slate to try again another day. Sometimes “we don’t really click but we try our best to be nice” IS normal.

2) to say I would like us to have a better relationship, or at least start on making one

If you want a better relationship with Sally than you have right now, here are some things you could try:

a) You’ve never quite clicked and you might never click. So, what if you just…respected that? What if you stopped trying so hard to be closer? You can like someone and wish good things for them without being close to them. You can be kind, friendly, welcoming, and polite when you interact with them and otherwise let them be. You say that she doesn’t want your help with the wedding – that’s an okay thing for her to want! Think of it as a gift she’s giving you rather than a slight, where you can just be a guest and not have to do any work.

b) If she doesn’t invite you and Frankie to certain stuff, think about why that might be. Frankie openly dislikes her, right? Maybe sometimes she wants to do stuff without having to deal with the dude in the family who really dislikes her, and this is how she navigates that. Maybe Bill is the one driving the decisions around when and how to include members of his family – don’t fall into the trap of assuming that she’s because she’s a woman it’s her job to manage everyone’s calendar and emotions. Invite her when it’s your turn to do the inviting, thank her and enjoy yourself when she does include you, and give her some space and the benefit of the doubt about the rest.

c) Try not sharing texts or things she says to you with Frankie & his parents anymore. You know what happens when you do that (the people who don’t like her use whatever she says as an excuse to talk about how much they don’t like her). So don’t open her up to that criticism in absentia. Don’t say anything about her that you wouldn’t say to her, especially to people you know don’t like her. “I don’t like to talk about people who aren’t here to defend themselves” is a good way to start being a better friend and ally to her in the family.

3) to help Frankie understand that Bill has chosen Sally, and Frankie needs to get over the issues he has with Sally (I have outright said this, as have his PARENTS, repeatedly, but it is not sinking in!)

Stop. Stop telling him this. Stop trying to make him understand. Sally’s been around for a long time, it sounds like, and there is history here that isn’t your history. Frankie doesn’t “have to” do anything, so get yourself out of the middle of this drama. You can’t fix it, so, what can you do to stop feeding it?

For example, what if you stopped listening to him complain about her? What if you kept changing the subject when she comes up? It will probably take a few tries before this sticks, but if you are consistent – “I hear you babe, and I know you don’t really like her, but I really don’t want to hear it” – he will most likely stop bringing it to you so much. Frankie can tell a therapist or Bill or his diary or his parents or the wall or the magic tree in the back of the garden how he feels about Sally. Frankie’s family weirdness = Frankie’s problem.

You and Sally have the whole rest of your lives to be related to each other. If you can reset some of your expectations and learn to disengage a little bit from what’s stressing you out, a series of low-key positive interactions over time will do more good than all the Talks About Our Relationship And How We Should Be Closer. I especially don’t think that right before her wedding is the time to make any big moves or declarations about anything. You can make a lot of “common ground” over the years by rolling your eyes at sibling rivalry (or whatever Frankie-Bill-Parents weirdness is going on here).

Finally, you didn’t ask about this, but I can’t help wondering:

What are your relationships like with your family of origin? Any siblings or cousins that you could draw out and build a closer relationship with?

Do you have the kind of friendships you want? It seems like you want Sally to fill a very specific and important role in your life, but maybe there are other ways to get that connection. It probably can’t hurt to think about how you could re-channel some of the worry and stress you are feeling about Sally into more positive relationships with the people you *do* click with.