WASHINGTON—Encouraging lawmakers to avoid holding themselves to the impossible standard of protecting Americans, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) assured Democratic House representatives Wednesday they don’t need to try being productive during the stressful pandemic. “These uncertain times are difficult for everyone, so don’t feel like you need to push yourself to constantly come up with detailed plans to avert a new depression,” said Pelosi, insisting that House Democrats should tune out the nagging voice of constituents pressuring them to ease mass suffering by enacting essential social safety measures before it’s too late. “Don’t create a bunch of tension in your life by attempting to secure aid to unemployed Americans struggling to pay for basic necessities. Supporting workers is not going to happen anyway, so don’t get all stressed. Look, this is not the time to beat yourself up over whether you’re doing enough to prevent a cataclysmic economic decline. Take a breather. Sometimes it’s better to just plop down on the couch and watch movies all day.” At press time, Pelosi emphasized there would be plenty of time to work on enacting legislation after the pandemic was finished cratering every aspect of American life.

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