Johnny Boy, primary school student and sleuth, was initially excited when he heard that a group of semi-professional classical musicians would be touring his local podunk area.

“It’s so difficult to see the great classics of the western canon,” he told reporters. “I thought this would be a real highlight of my calendar.”

His excitement soon turned into disappointment when he realised what a dismally conventional and populist program the musicians were presenting. “I’m just as susceptible to the charming, frivolous brilliance of Camille Saint-Saëns as the next kid,” he said, “but if I have to hear The Swan one more god-damn time I’ll scream. It’s elegant and swanny! I get it!”

Though Boy tried to make the best of the occasion he found the bourgeois atmosphere of the performance oppressive and disturbing. “It was only a matter of time before the horn player got out his bloody garden hose and tried to play something on it,” he said. “But, as usual, his hose technique was grossly insufficient for the sinuous chromatic pleasures of Strauss 2.”

Most of Boy’s classmates appeared to enjoy the concert, expressing their approval with giddy bouts of laughter and unrestrained applause. “I love sounds,” said one.

Boy hopes that next year’s tour will feature a more serious group who will hopefully pay homage to the greatest musical art produced by the human race, rather than merely present the same popular diversions everyone likes. “As Adorno said: popularity in music is a sign of corruption and fin de siècle decay,” said Boy. “I really hate fin de siècle decay.”

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