This is for you – the first time mom wanting to join a couple of online mommy groups and get some good advice, maybe meet some nice moms and swap some cute pictures. That’s great! But there are a few things you need to know. Here’s some advice on how to avoid judgment in your new mommy groups.

Never post a picture of your kid in a car seat. You may think Suzy looks adorable lounging in her car seat in her sunglasses, but is that a puffy shirt? Could that count as a coat? Is that strap pinchable? Is the clip a millimeter below her armpit? Is that car seat in the middle seat of the car? What kind of mother are you? Never mention anything that your kid has eaten or might think about eating unless it’s organic, non-GMO, grass-fed, raw, unprocessed or sent down from heaven in the form of manna. Don’t even think of mentioning anything about formula! Make sure not to mention breastfeeding unless your child is somehow in between the magic age that someone has deemed still appropriate for breastfeeding. Never post a picture of your child playing anywhere except on a padded and clean surface (but not too padded). You think it’s a cute picture of your kid playing in the sandbox… but it might as well be a picture of your kid playing in broken glass. Vaccines are the same as a four letter word. Don’t mention that you’re a Stay-At-Home mom. Don’t mention that you’re a working mom. Never mention that your child has an ailment. Unless you’re prepared for a lesson in essential oils, baby yoga, or how an infant chiropractor changed some child’s life. And by the way, are you interested in selling any of that stuff? Never discuss sleeping of any kind. Your baby is having trouble sleeping? Why don’t you just hold him non-stop, I’m pretty sure you can shower and pee while holding a baby. Also, I can’t believe you’re tired? I sleep with my baby, nurse ’round the clock, cook amazing dinners, my house is spotless, I’m always showered and my teeth are definitely brushed every day. What’s your excuse?

So go out there and make some new virtual friends… just make sure to edit all that laundry in the back of your photos!