Chris Philpot

I am a man of few blessings, but I am the best parallel parker in the world. My gift was first tapped by my instructor-rapist at Young Drivers of Canada, which is a kind of cult, if there were a cult fanatically devoted to road safety. He taught me that parallel parking is 90 percent formula with just a little wiggle room for feel and flair.

1. Pull your car alongside the car in front of your space so you're two feet away from it, your front bumpers aligned. Put your foot on the brake and the car in reverse.

2. Lift your foot off the brake — even goose the gas if you want — while palming the wheel hard toward the curb. You want the angle to be sharp but not ridiculously sharp.

3. Once the back of your seat is aligned with the rear bumper of the other car, begin swinging the steering wheel away from the curb.

4. Straighten out. Your car should now, as though by magic, be about six inches from the curb, and parallel to it. You might have to creep forward, but if you've followed the steps one through three, all you'll have to do is exit your car, face nearby pedestrians — they've probably stopped to applaud — and perform the Pete Weber Crotch Chop by twice striking the inside of your thighs with karate hands.

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