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Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPhone 11 at a press conference on Tuesday. The Onion runs down the most significant features and specs of the new iPhone.


Camera is better in subtle ways you’ll never be able to comprehend but are definitely real.


3.5-inch-thick bulletproof glass screens.



Wireless charging will sap all battery power from nearby Samsung phones.



Somehow both larger and smaller than previous model.



Updated price reflects exact level of child cruelty you currently willing to tolerate.




Processing power will appear fast and efficient for a brief window before every app and website beefs up its data requirements.




A new pre-installed app you’ll never open called “Sections.”



Most modern release date of any iPhone yet.



Abandons rounded edges of previous Apple products for sharp corners that can really do some damage.




Will look hilarious to people 30 years from now.

