As it comes towards the end of the season, it has always been traditional to round up the best moments of the league: the best performances, best goals, best players and so on. But the reason those moments stand out are because they are rare islands amid the sea of ineptitude that marks much of the rest of the Premier League experience. Those moments of brilliance shine only because they are surrounded, frequently, by dross.

So it is time to celebrate the amateurish, the clumsy, the inferior, deficient, ineffectual and inefficient. It is time to cheer the clubs who have bungled and blundered their way through this Premier League season. It is time to discover 2014-15’s most inept side.

There is some science to this. The statisticians at Opta have provided an exhaustive list of numbers, which we have crunched with, arguably, the same sort ineptitude that we are celebrating. Hence we have assigned a (slightly arbitrary, if we are honest) weighting to some of their stats and have awarded corresponding ineptitude points to the sides who have proved the best at being the worst.

It is not simply a case of looking at the side with lowest pass completion rate, or worst shots on target ratio. Generally, that is pretty dull. We are after real nonsense: the clubs who have thrown the ball directly to the opposition the most from throw-ins, those who have blown two-goal leads and so on. As with all these kinds of awards, the winner will be unveiled at a lavish ceremony dedicated to incompetence (which, appropriately, we have forgotten to arrange).

Yellow cards for removing shirts

Whether you agree with it or not, it is a simple fact that it has been against the laws of football to remove your shirt during a post-goal celebration for over a decade now. Any player who is not aware of this law is an idiot. This is precisely the sort of wilful ineptitude that should be celebrated and so each club will be awarded five points for each time one of their players has been booked for disrobing. According to Opta, who remarkably carry stats on this sort of thing, one player each from Arsenal, Aston Villa, Liverpool, Manchester United, Southampton and Tottenham have been given a yellow this season for the offence. So each team is awarded five ineptitude points.

Our nascent table looks like this

Arsenal: 5

Aston Villa: 5

Liverpool: 5

Manchester United: 5

Southampton: 5

Tottenham Hotspur: 5

Throws-ins to opposition players

Throw-ins are remarkably simple. You can throw the ball. And while there are situations when it is harder to find a team-mate – for example a long throw into the opposition box or a sporting pass to the opposition after the ball has been put out for an injury – most footballers should be able to find one of their own team most of the time. Or so you would think. This season Opta stats show that Crystal Palace have thrown the ball directly to the opposition from a throw-in a mind-boggling 266 times. Two hundred and sixty-six times – seven times a game! Others are nearly as guilty. Alongside Palace, Leicester (251), Queens Park Rangers (229), Stoke City (225) and Tottenham (212) make up the top five. We will award Palace 10 ineptitude points for this, Leicester eight, QPR six, Stoke City four and Tottenham two.

Table

Crystal Palace: 10

Leicester: 8

QPR: 6

Arsenal: 5

Aston Villa: 5

Liverpool: 5

Manchester United: 5

Southampton: 5

Tottenham Hotspur: 7

Stoke City: 4

Own goals

West Ham’s Adrián watches as James Collins scores an own goal. Photograph: Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

It is hard to think of anything quite so inept as actually scoring for the opposition. However, accidents happen so we have ruled out any team who have scored just one own goal, but awarded two ineptitude points per goal for any team scoring two or more. Leicester City and Sunderland have both scored five own goals, so are awarded 10 points each. QPR have scored four, so get eight points. Manchester City have scored three, so get six points, while Everton, Liverpool, Burnley, Tottenham and West Ham have all scored two and are awarded four points apiece.

Table

Leicester: 18

QPR: 14

Tottenham: 11

Crystal Palace: 10

Sunderland: 10

Liverpool: 9

Manchester City: 6

Arsenal: 5

Aston Villa: 5

Manchester United: 5

Southampton: 5

Burnley: 4

Everton: 4

Stoke City: 4

West Ham: 4

Blowing a two-goal lead

Manchester United’s Adnan Januzaj, Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie, on their way to losing 5-3 to Leicester. Photograph: Nigel French/PA

By rights, any team who are two goals up at some stage in a match but who do not go on to collect all three points should be forced to travel to their next game in a collapsible car and play in large flappy shoes, curly pink wigs and big red noses. Ten sides have done it this season, with Burnley doing it twice. We will award a draconian 20 ineptitude points for that crime, but a less harsh 10 points for any side who drew after being two goals up. Hence Everton (v Arsenal, 23 August), Hull (v Newcastle, 20 September), Crystal Palace (v West Brom 25 October), Stoke (v West Ham, 1 November), Manchester City (v Burnley, 28 December), Liverpool (v Leicester, 1 January), Burnley (v West Brom, 8 February) and West Ham (v Tottenham, 22 February) are awarded 10 points each for drawing. Manchester United (v Leicester, 21 September), West Brom (v QPR, 20 December) and Burnley (v Crystal Palace, 17 January) get the full 20 points.

Table

Burnley: 34

Manchester United: 25

West Brom: 20

Crystal Palace: 20

Liverpool: 19

Leicester: 18

Manchester City: 16

Everton: 14

QPR: 14

Stoke City: 14

West Ham: 14

Tottenham: 11

Hull: 10

Sunderland: 10

Arsenal: 5

Aston Villa: 5

Southampton: 5

Yellow card for dissent

How often, after a referee makes a decision, does he then change his mind? It is so rare as to be newsworthy. So the chances of a player changing the referee’s mind for him by haranguing him are low. Not that it stops them. The five worst clubs in the Premier League this season, in terms of yellow cards given for dissent, are Hull City (13), Aston Villa (12) and Chelsea, Everton and Newcastle United (nine apiece). So we will award five points to Hull, four to Villa, and three points each to the others.

Table

Burnley: 34

Manchester United: 25

West Brom: 20

Crystal Palace: 20

Liverpool: 19

Leicester: 18

Everton: 17

Manchester City: 16

Hull: 15

QPR: 14

Stoke City: 14

West Ham: 14

Tottenham: 11

Sunderland: 10

Aston Villa: 9

Arsenal: 5

Southampton: 5

Chelsea: 3

Newcastle: 3

Unsuccessful passes within a team’s own half

Admittedly, this is not the biggest crime a team can commit and is not necessarily a foolproof indicator of incompetence. But, for anyone paying close attention to the table above, one team are noticeable by their absence. Thus far in our index, Swansea have not done anything incompetent whatsoever. So it is time to address that. Though Southampton have committed the most unsuccessful passes within their own half this season (861), Swansea are second with 841. Tottenham (804), Sunderland (784) and QPR (765) make up the rest of the list. But a misplaced pass is hardly as bad as blowing a two-goal lead, so for that reason we’ll give Southampton five points for topping the list, Swansea four, Tottenham three, Sunderland two and QPR one.

Table

Burnley: 34

Manchester United: 25

West Brom: 20

Crystal Palace: 20

Liverpool: 19

Leicester: 18

Everton: 17

Manchester City: 16

Hull: 15

QPR: 15

Stoke City: 14

West Ham: 14

Tottenham: 14

Sunderland: 12

Southampton: 10

Aston Villa: 9

Arsenal: 5

Swansea: 4

Chelsea: 3

Newcastle: 3

Errors that lead to an opposition shot

Mistakes are a part of the game and any team that can pressure the opposition into making them is doing well. But they are, of course, a pretty good measure of incompetence too. Manchester United have made the most mistakes that have led to opposition chances this Premier League season (25) while Liverpool (21), Everton (18), Newcastle United (18), Chelsea (17) and QPR (17) and Arsenal (17) make up the rest of a top five (that we’ve expanded to seven given Chelsea, Arsenal and QPR share a tally). Given that none of these mistakes led to an actual goal, we’ll award half a point for each mistake – so Manchester United get 12.5, Liverpool 10.5 and so on until Chelsea, QPR and Arsenal’s 8.5.

Table

Manchester United: 37.5

Burnley: 34

Liverpool: 29.5

Everton: 26

QPR: 23.5

West Brom: 20

Crystal Palace: 20

Leicester: 18

Manchester City: 16

Hull: 15

Stoke City: 14

West Ham: 14

Tottenham: 14

Arsenal: 13.5

Sunderland: 12

Newcastle: 12

Chelsea: 11.5

Southampton: 10

Aston Villa: 9

Swansea: 4

Errors that lead to an opposition goal

Aston Villa’s Ron Vlaar and Shay Given look dejected after Southampton score a third on their way to a 6-1 win after the defender’s error. Photograph: James Marsh/BPI/Rex Shutterstock

This is much like the above category, but more serious as these mistakes lead to the opposition actually scoring. Hence, we’ll award a full point for each instance of a team making a mistake which leads directly to an opposition goal. This one is a top six to take into account the fact there are a variety of teams who share a tally. Everton are the worst offenders in the league with 15, so get 15 ineptitude points, followed by Newcastle and Crystal Palace (12 each), Tottenham Hotspur (11) then QPR and Aston Villa (10 each).

Table

Everton: 41

Manchester United: 37.5

Burnley: 34

QPR: 33.5

Crystal Palace: 32

Liverpool: 29.5

Tottenham: 25

Newcastle: 24

West Brom: 20

Aston Villa: 19

Leicester: 18

Manchester City: 16

Hull: 15

Stoke City: 14

West Ham: 14

Arsenal: 13.5

Sunderland: 12

Chelsea: 11.5

Southampton: 10

Swansea: 4

Bans for social media misdemeanours

Getting a ban for racking up the yellow cards happens. Some players are instructed to play in a robust fashion that risks a booking but can nevertheless help the team. So it seems harsh to award ineptitude points for players who are banned because they collect a handful of yellow cards, or a red. But there is very little excuse for being unavailable for your team because you were playing a game of Cock Or No Cock, or for posting dubious pictures of Super Mario on your Instagram feed, or for using the word “sket” on Twitter. In fact these are reasonably moronic, so the punishment is draconian: five ineptitude points for each game that the player has been banned as a result of social media misdemeanours. So Mario Balotelli earns Liverpool five points, Robert Huth earns Leicester 10 points (he had completed his loan move from Stoke when he faced his ban) and Rio Ferdinand earns QPR 15 points.

Table

QPR: 48.5

Everton: 41

Manchester United: 37.5

Liverpool: 34.5

Burnley: 34

Crystal Palace: 32

Leicester: 28

Tottenham: 25

Newcastle: 24

West Brom: 20

Aston Villa: 19

Manchester City: 16

Hull: 15

Stoke City: 14

West Ham: 14

Arsenal: 13.5

Sunderland: 12

Chelsea: 11.5

Southampton: 10

Swansea: 4

Lack of goals scored

The point of football is to score goals. It stands to reason that a failure to do so is pretty inept. So we will award 20 points as a penalty to the side with the worst Goals For record in the league so far, 19 points to the next worst side and so on until we give Manchester City just one point for having the best scoring record in the league.

Final table

QPR: 61.5

Burnley: 54

Everton: 49

Leicester: 42

Manchester United: 41.5

Liverpool: 41.5

Crystal Palace: 41

Newcastle: 39

Aston Villa: 37

West Brom: 36

Hull: 32

Sunderland: 31

Tottenham: 30

Stoke City: 26

West Ham: 25

Manchester City: 17

Arsenal: 16.5

Southampton: 16

Swansea: 14

Chelsea: 13.5



Results

So there we have it. After a painstaking couple of days Guardian Sport can exclusively reveal that the two sides that have already been relegated are the most inept in the league. Meanwhile, in a surprise twist, the champions are the least inept - and though it was tempting to create a special Cesc Fàbregas category after what was certainly the most entertaining dismissal of the season against West Bromwich Albion, but his red card and presumed ban for pinging Chris Brunt on the back of the head for no good reason whatsoever has not harmed his side’s chances this season.

However, perhaps it is the detail elsewhere that’s eye-opening: Everton, Manchester United and Liverpool have every reason to fear the talent scouts from Billy Smart’s Circus might begin to hover around their training grounds after a season in which – at least according to these stats – their players have done passable impressions of clowns. But at the other end, Southampton, Swansea and Arsenal can congratulate themselves on serene, error-free progress through the season. As we near the final weekend of the league, though, could there still be time for Newcastle and Hull to mount a last desperate charge up the table and into the ranks of total incompetence that both clubs’ form suggests they should already have achieved?