I see the newcomer Kian Davies thinks himself wise enough to infringe on my territory. He is a fool. His power rankings are biased and uninformative, overly concerned with volatile pitching and meaningless dreck. Here is the real hard-hitting analysis that you all know to be the best you can find in the MLR world.

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12. New York Mets (0-3), Loss to DET 7-2

Congratulations to the Metropolitans for gracing the basement for the third straight week after an absolute shellacking from Detroit. The Mets fired their General Manager after Week 3 and promoted from within, making MasterCashier their new GM and finding a new catcher to replace him on the field. His first big move was to trade away Hudson Quin to Minnesota for Sonny Streaker, who may be even worse than the struggling Quin was. Xavier Crowbar is producing beautifully for the Mets, and that seems to be the only bright spot to speak of on the team. Not a whole lot else to say about this dumpster fire until further notice.

Last Week: 12th (+/- 0), This Week: vs PIT

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11. Baltimore Orioles (0-3), Loss to PHI 9-4

I know last week I said that if the Twins continued to lose that I would be ranking them below New York and Baltimore regardless of how they did, but the Mets and Orioles apparently took that as a challenge and both proceeded to take humiliating losses this last session. Rob Pancakes is looking the most eminently hittable man in the league, and the offense continues to look punchless with the exception of Randy Nummer, who has been the only run producer and slugger that the O’s have on the team. Perhaps team captain Johnny Dickshot should lay off the spaghetti and hit the gym.

Last Week: 11th (+/- 0), This Week: vs WSH

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10. Minnesota Twins (0-3), Loss to ARI 4-2

Ultimately, of the three worst teams in the league, Minnesota comported themselves in the most respectable manner, losing to a team whose record did not properly represent their offensive skills and managing to put a few on the board themselves. Still, their offense is weak and doing them no favors at all. Their trade for pitcher Hudson Quin could be a wise acquisition that helps the team to improve their pitching versatility. Sonny Streaker clearly wasn’t working for them, as the finesse lefty was getting hit hard by most teams that came up against him. Keep an eye on the Twins as they look to get things going in Session 4.

Last Week: 10th (+/- 0), This Week: vs OAK

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9. Toronto Blue Jays (1-2), Loss to PIT 3-2

There was a decent amount of criticism for my ranking of the Blue Jays 9th last week, but here we are, and they haven’t moved. S.A.R. Dinka followed up his disastrous Session 1 outing with a gem in Session 2, and landed somewhere in between last session, surrendering 3 runs to the Pirates in a loss. Toronto’s pitching may be a risky proposition, as knuckleballers tend to be, alternating between hittable and unhittable seemingly at random. Their offense so far is neither good nor bad. I would be out of line to disparage it, but it isn’t particularly worthy of any praise either. Graham Grams seems to be a bright spot at 2B, but we’ll see if the rest of the team can coalesce around him.

Last Week: 9th (+/- 0), This Week: vs ARI

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8. Pittsburgh Pirates (2-1), Win over TOR 3-2

It is highly unusual that I would downgrade a team following a win, but I quite simply cannot see putting the Buccos over any other teams at this point in the ranking. The Phillies, who ranked under them last week, earned a raise with an offensive explosion to the rune of 9 runs, and the Pirates were only able to eke out a one-run win against a team that they had already seen and lost to once before. Darth Vader, fortunately, is looking like a very solid ace for the club, putting up respectable numbers across the board. The team is going to have to hope for more production from a lot of the members of their offense. Johnny Hopkins still has 4 of the team’s 7 RBI’s so far this season, and he’s going to need more help at the plate if this team wants to contend.

Last Week: 7th (-1), This Week: @ NYM

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7. Philadelphia Phillies (2-1), Win over BAL 9-4

Cue the biased and latent stupidity of Kian Davies, who had the gall to raise his hometown Phillies to 3rd on his rankings after they put the screws to a weak 0-3 team that hasn’t managed to show much production of value at all yet this season. It almost concerns me that their pitching surrendered 4 runs to the Orioles considering how weak the team’s offense has proven itself to be. That being said, the offense they put together cannot be denied at least a raise of one spot in the rankings. Ross Fire is revealing himself as a legitimate top-tier offensive talent in the league, and if Cy Hadd can get back to Session 1 form, this team could gel well. Until then though, they’re on the outside looking in of the top half.

Last Week: 8th (+1), This Week: vs DET

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6. Houston Astros (2-1), Loss to OAK 3-1

The Astros offense was shown to be their weak spot in the past, and it finally appeared to bite them this week against the newly rechristened Oakland A’s. Buck Cheeks appears to be their single brightest spot in the lineup, a slugger who doesn’t know how to stop hammering in clutch situations, and their pitching tandem of Willoughby Hoose and Whitt Bass still looks really solid, so I can’t demote the team too much based on their strong performances throughout other weeks. Their team ERA of 2.21 is a definite stat to look at, and their team WHIP of 1.29 should prove to be better than most other squads. If they can turn the bats on to match the arms, watch out for the ‘Stros going forward.

Last Week: 5th (-1), This Week: vs ATL

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5. Atlanta Braves (2-1), Loss to WSH 5-0

Yet another victim of the Washington Nationals’ well-oiled baseball machine has been laid to rest in Arlington Cemetery after the Braves were shut down and beat up by the Nats in Session 3. After a bad loss to a great team and an unconvincing win over a very bad team in the last two weeks, it’s time to downgrade the Braves a bit. Junks Tandem has been weak as of late, and the team is going to have to hope that Cal Tiberius Jr.’s strong Session 2 performance is replicable. Their offense seems somewhat unremarkable as well, as there aren’t any true bright spots to speak of. This team is well-managed, and should be able to fight through some hardship, but I want to be convinced again.

Last Week: 3rd (-2), This Week: @ HOU

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4. Arizona Diamondbacks (1-2), Win over MIN 4-2

The Diamondbacks finally got their first win of the season despite being the clear #2 offense in the game behind the Nationals. The Arizona squad has many bats (Rico Veringhipster, Assassin Panda, Garrett Ipnov, just to name a few), that should be instilling fear into the hearts of batters everywhere, players who can hit for average and power, and take walks when they need to. Will Power might be the best hitter in the league right now, but is one plate appearance short of qualifying for the batting title that he would otherwise be leading right now. The pitching in Arizona will be the concern, as Einhorn is young and volatile, and Syd Kidd seems to have been demoted to a bullpen role after being lit up badly by the Nationals in his first outing. Still, this team can and will hit the ball often and hard. Fans in the stands, keep your heads up.

Last Week: 6th (+2), This Week: @ TOR

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3. Oakland Athletics (2-1), Win over HOU 3-1

A nice convincing win over a good team was exactly what I wanted to see from Oakland, formerly the Kansas City Royals, even more so in a down game for their MVP Caleb VanVacter, proving that the rest of the team has mettle too. Sal Shark tossed another quality outing, and the A’s saw some of their role players come through in the clutch, especially shortstop Graham Othrie, who had been disappointing through the first two weeks of the season. VanVacter will continue to terrify opposing pitchers even as he does come back down to earth to a degree, as a bad game for him now features at least one extra-base hit. This team looks promising and ready to make moves under new GM Judah Powers, so keep your eye on Oakland.

Last Week: 4th (+1), This Week: @ MIN

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2. Detroit Tigers (3-0), Win over NYM 7-2

The Tigers’ bats have come fully alive to match their absolutely dominant ace Big Tuna, and the league officially should be on notice about Nationals AL. Washington had already scared the league senseless, but now Detroit has put their rivals on notice as well, as Big Tuna continues to allow very very sparse offense from opposing teams. This game was actually his worst start yet, as he allowed 2 whole runs, double the amount he had allowed all year so far. As I said last week, the Tigers won’t lose if their opponents can’t score, and I don’t think there’s too much of a concern about the Detroit offense at this point either, as players like Otis Nixon Sr., Casey Nine, King Fielder, and even Big Tuna himself are swinging the bats well. When the Motor City Kitties come to town, get ready for blood.

Last Week: 2nd (+/- 0), This Week: @ PHI

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1. Washington Nationals (3-0), Win over ATL 5-0

Another day, another domination for Washington and their balanced offensive attack, which has officially cultivated a reputation for absolutely absurd first-inning massacres of opposing pitchers. The Nationals have score 12 runs in first innings alone in their first 3 games. They’ve allowed 5 runs all season. I’m not sure if more needs to be said.

Last Week: 1st (+/- 0), This Week: @ BAL

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That’ll do it for this week. Kian Davies can eat my dust. Session 4 is here and underway, so get to those TV’s and get those games on, action is sure to follow. Follow me on Twitter, @ryokanemaru, for more updates and news as the season rolls on. Until next time, stay tuned for more updates from Osaka.