“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” — Ronald Wright, “A Short History of Progress”

If you were to visit my house right now and walk around, one of the first things you might notice is that I own a lot of books. Mostly purchased at thrift stores and tag sales, my collection includes Napoleon Hill, Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle, Jack Canfield, Brian Tracy, Wayne Dyer, Dale Carnegie, Marianne Williamson and Malcolm Gladwell. And those are just the books adorning the built-in wood shelves in the living room.

On my bedside table, a copy of “Awaken the Giant Within” by Tony Robbins sits underneath “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. Both books have makeshift bookmarks (old receipts, sometimes a pen) stuck in the middle — they’ll most likely be finished within a month.

You’d probably guess that I’m a well-read person. You’d be right. There’s nothing I love more than curling up with a good book. When I get the chance to read, I long for nothing more than to devour an entire book in one sitting. This rarely happens, of course. And I haven’t read a single book that wasn’t non-fiction in probably 3 years.

In 2011, I read “The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be” by Jack Canfield and Janet Switzer. This amazing book is comprised of 64 timeless principles for improving every aspect of your life, written in clear, concise and actionable language. In fact, this book motivated me to return to college full-time to finish my Bachelor’s degree (with an 8-month old and 6-year old) while working full-time. I graduated on time, with a 4.0 GPA.

Afterwards, my life continued to improve in countless ways: I found my dream apartment, bought an awesome car, took two vacations, and was offered a job at a significant salary increase, which I took. Life was freaking awesome.

And as my life seemed to be on a continuous upward trajectory, I became a huge advocate of all the self-help gurus and the regurgitated advice within their books — Use the Law of Attraction, believe in the power of the Universe, set huge goals, everyone around you wants to see you succeed, take opportunities that come to you, make a vision board, think positively, wealth, power, success and fame can be yours!

I began to pity the person I was before I found these life-changing antidotes. I made it a goal to NEVER return to that state of insecurity and doubt. But a funny thing happened after awhile: the cold hand of reality smacked me square in the face.

The company where I took that awesome new job and salary increase announced they were shutting down. I took another position closer to home at a significant pay cut. Although we adjusted our spending to meet the new level, our meager savings began to dwindle with each new issue — car repairs, doctor’s visits, a frigid cold winter requiring a ton more heating oil, etc.

If I could go back in time, I’d smack myself for not saving more money when I was making a better salary, but really — we weren’t living extravagantly.

And like a snowball growing larger as it rolls downhill, the precarious financial state I find myself in today came on gradually, aided by the ‘hamster wheel’ that plagues many working and middle-class families: when one expense goes down, another goes up.

My husband got a pay raise, increased health insurance premiums ate it all (and then some)

Got a decent tax return, a month later had to pay $440 to repair our van

Paid medical bills, immediately had to set appointments for both children to see hearing specialists (at $120 out of pocket every visit)

Over and over again, until you realize you’re doing nothing but running in place trying to survive every day. My true ‘holy crap’ moment came when I had to forgo paying some bills to pay others, resulting in late fees, hits to my credit score, and increasing balances.

At some point, it becomes less a personal responsibility issue, and more a just not making enough money issue. That’s not to let myself off the hook, but it’s fucking exhausting to continuously look for ‘luxuries’ to cut out of your expenses when you don’t really have any.

All this to say: my attitude lately has shifted to the polar opposite of what my years of self-help training taught me. Instead of thinking positively and believing in the power of the Universe; I’m constantly on edge, waiting for the next disaster to strike. Instead of setting huge goals; I’m just trying to make it to next week. Instead of volunteering and helping the community; I’m looking for ways to make a little extra money.

Yes, my life has become a giant self-fulfilling prophecy. But the reality is:

Creating a vision board and trying to ‘manifest’ money isn’t going to pay my student loans

My landlord doesn’t give a crap that I read The Secret and now believe in the power of the Universe, he wants his monthly rent check

Believing that everyone wants to see me succeed sounds nice in theory, most people are just trying to survive day-to-day like I am

Yes, being stuck in this negative mindset sucks — I’m not gonna lie. All of my dreams and goals have been put on hold indefinitely. I’m hoping for some glimmer of hope that my life can change, while no longer believing I have the power to change it. That’s the rub: I can’t fake thoughts that aren’t there.

My cynicism started with the realization that life can giveth, and taketh away in an instant. It doesn’t matter that I’m a good person. That I don’t lie, cheat or steal. That I teach my children the value of education and hard work. It doesn’t matter one iota that I don’t harm living things, help people when I can, or graduated with a 4.0 GPA (around 22 straight A’s in a row).

I’m the temporarily embarrassed millionaire — the person who is inspired by and holds onto other people’s stories of success, while scraping together change to buy a gallon of milk. I used to believe that I had what it took to be those people, to live a life surrounded by abundance and opportunity. Now I don’t know what to believe.

I’m not at the point of wanting to burn those motivational books in a ceremonial fire, but at this point — I’m seriously questioning the ‘non’ part of these non-fiction titles.