A couple of weeks ago, my father-in-law came over to help us with an air conditioner leak. He entered through our back door and immediately said to my husband, in a judgmental tone, “Ben, child protective services is going to take your kids away, you need to clean your house. It’s too messy.”

Yeah, my house is sometimes messy… I have clothes on the floor and trash sometimes doesn’t make it into the garbage. I frequently leave cups in the sink, and, on that day in particular, there was a sink full of dishes. I need to vacuum, sweep, mop, and dust. This has always made me self-conscious. I really try to find the time and energy to transform my home into a Better Homes and Gardens spread, but it ain’t happening — well, not as long as I have small children in the house. Maybe one day, right?

The comment triggered my anxiety — and even though I knew that CPS would not be knocking on my door to take my children, even though I know I am not an episode of Hoarders, we don’t have bugs, and I do give an honest effort to keep things livable, it plagued me for days after he said it.

Why? Why did that judgement plague me so much? Is it because I do feel like my house is too messy?

I am always worried about what people think of me, and I doubt that I am the only one who holds my life up to Pinterest standards. I am a full-time mom, I work full time, I am starting a blog, I am a wife and sister and I am busy.. The truth is, that this is my beautiful mess, and even though you may walk in my house to find a sink full of dishes, you will also find beautiful artwork by my children, smiles on our faces, a relaxed environment, and lots of love and snuggles. You will find Harry Potter marathons and easy living and cozy quilts (that may or may not be on the floor). And sometimes, when we could be cleaning, we are ignoring chores to be with each other. And I own that beautiful mess of toys and dishes and garbage and love and ease.

That night, I decided that there will always be those who judge me, those who mock me, many don’t like me nor do they agree with my opinion. But I am going to own all of who I am: my mess, my opinions, my everything.

Writing in general, but also this blog, is a test in being vulnerable. I am airing out my dirty laundry for the Internet to see. I will have to show you my dirty dishes to let you know I understand the struggles of motherhood, just as much as I plan to share research and solutions. I will have to share my opinions with you… you will learn that I don’t really agree with homework, I hate it when schools take away recess, and I *GASP* disagree with spanking. I will share with you my struggles with depression and anxiety and Complex PTSD, because those struggles are real and I still have them every day. I know that this will turn some away and upset others, but I want to share those struggles to help others who find themselves in similar situations.

I only got the courage to share this with the world after sharing it with my amazing friend, co-conspirator, and blogging partner, Holly. She made me feel that I am not alone, and assured me that CPS would not be at my door for garbage on the floor. That support meant the world to me, it made me feel like I am not alone, and I want you all to know that you aren’t alone. We are all trying to do it all, have it all, and be it all, and sometimes it’s okay to neglect the dishes to watch Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Which is where I am going, right now. 😉

It’s hard to be vulnerable, to share the intimate secrets of your lives for the entire Internet to see, but I am ready to show you my sink full of dishes. I am imperfect, messy, anxious, depressed, unstable, and crazy. I consistently feel like I am failing.

In all its glory: my dishes.

#dishpic