On The Efficiency Of Various Postal Services

Letter I

(addressed via UK Post Office to the original recipient of SCP-2699-A, retrieved from Norfolk police station during a routine check, about two weeks after initial containment of SCP-2699 by the Foundation)

Mr ██████, My employer (hallowed be His name) has just asked me to follow up on our request to you dated ██/██/████. I remind you that said request was clearly stated as urgent. To this day we have received no report from you. I honestly think that a week is sufficient for someone as competent as you are said to be to study the creatures we sent you, write a report and email it to me. Before writing this I contacted the relevant authorities: you are still alive. I demand that either you get in touch with me and explain why you have done nothing yet; or, preferably, that you send me this report, which is impatiently expected by my employer. I can assure you that you do not want to incur the Wrath of my employer by not responding. One of the authorities mentioned above is, as you certainly know, also under the orders of my employer; he would very much appreciate gaining a new permanent occupant of his dominion, and giving him the special treatment reserved for disobedient underlings. Regards Larry Filmore Production Intern Eden Creations u.snoitaercnede|eromlif.yrral#u.snoitaercnede|eromlif.yrral

Letter II

(Unstamped and unpostmarked letter, delivered along with the usual mail to "Alan Beale, Senior Researcher in charge of SCP-2699, The Foundation, Site-131, Building B5", two days after the retrieval of Larry Filmore's letter.)

Mr. Beale, There is also a special treatment for incompetent underlings, and it is now being applied. Hallowed be my name, apparently. You are Senior Researcher Alan Beale, aged 48, you have a wife and two grown daughters. You have been working for the organisation named the Foundation for 19 years. Interesting, this Foundation. I obviously approve of its 'Thou shalt not kill' policy concerning anomalous creatures - which are of course my creatures, with few exceptions. However, I strongly disapprove of your policy of 'Thou shalt kill right, left and centre, all the time and without any scruple or remorse' in regards to human beings whom you call 'D-Class'. I command you to stop doing this as of right now. But I digress. You are currently in charge of the creatures you collectively call SCP-2699. I have entrusted these creatures for study to someone who was recommended to me; no report has been forthcoming. I am unpleasantly surprised that the creatures are now in your care; and though you have been studying them, still no report. The time I've spent investigating the whereabouts of these creatures, the activities of the Foundation and your personal identity could have been spent studying these creatures directly; but for this, I need said creatures. Consequently, I demand that:

- either you ship them back to me. The original container will do;

- or, preferably, you write the expected report, taking into account the details of my original request, and send it to me. Filmore's email address is still valid. You have one week. Chief Executive Officer



Eden Creations

Letter III

(delivered in a Foundation internal mail pouch by a unicorn on Dr Beale's office desk a few minutes after he finished reading Letter II.)

Greetings, Al, how are you, my child? Listen, what is this about 2699? One thing is certain about the letter you received a few minutes ago: I didn't write it. And if the writer says his name should be hallowed, it is an impostor. Pretending to be me is not hallowed. By the way, when are you planning to visit me so we can indulge in our common love of puns? Or rather, when could I visit you? Now I know about 2699, I would like to have a look if you don't mind. Just out of pure curiosity, you understand. These creatures are highly intriguing. Who has never dreamed of petting a velociraptor? And if you, my friend, have tried, you probably need my healing powers! Drop me a note when you have time. Needless to say, neither you nor the Foundation have to do anything for that impostor. But if possible, I'd like you to investigate and report to me about who it could be. This way, we would have several reasons to meet at Site-131: puns, intriguing creatures, healing, and report. What say you? Hope to see you soon! SCP-343

Letter IV

(Note from Senior Researcher Alan Beale to SCP-343, delivered by Foundation internal mail pouch three days after reception of Letter III)

THANK YOU for a very enjoyable afternoon of "research"! "Inside job". My God, you are such a rascal! Still chuckling over this one. Eden Creations should really look into their goods: a house cat, 5.63 or not, is NOT supposed to play fetch. Oh, and of course you are right: Lagavulin is better than Red Johnnie Walker. Just wanted to annoy you! Sorry about the plain mail pouch delivery: we're flat out of unicorns here… Alan

Letter V

(addressed by Senior Researcher Alan Beale to "Chief Executive Officer, Eden Creations" via unstamped, unpostmarked letter, slipped into a UK Post Office Mailbox 6 days, 22 hours and 49 seconds after reception of Letter II)

Dear Sir, Please receive my utmost sincerest apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I did try the email address provided by Mr. Larry Filmore to keep you posted, but it did not work. I plan to try something else for the present note; I do hope you shall receive this. Concerning the creatures: I examined them carefully, and also consulted an eminent colleague specialised in this sort of case. We arrived independently at the same conclusion: it is certainly an inside job. I respectfully but strongly advise you to look into the recent (and probably hidden) hobbies of your apprentices. As for sending the creatures back to you: I do not have your postal address, and the method I plan for this letter will not work for a container weighing several tons. Consequently, here's my suggestion:

- you give me a 'launch window': day + range of about 4 hours;

- starting in the early minutes of that launch window, I place the four creatures and their accessories in the original container, just outside Building B5 of Foundation Site-131;

- you pick up the container at your convenience, within the last hour of launch window, by any means agreeable to you. IMPORTANT: please, please do give that poor Mexican man a full skin cover and functional limb joints ASAP Looking forward to hearing from you, I remain Respectfully yours, Alan Beale Senior Researcher Building B5, "Forest Park Research Centre", ████████, Norfolk, IP24 ███, United Kingdom

Letter VI

(delivered unstamped to the address provided in Letter V, received with the rest of the mail by Senior Researcher Alan Beale one day after posting Letter V)

Mr Beale, It has come to our attention that you are in possession of another counterfeit good, which we would like returned with the others. The creature in question is known to you by the designation SCP-343, and to us by the designation "Feel-Good God". It is a low-quality copy of our own Creator line, a line so exclusive only one unit was ever created. While this counterfeit unit displays at least some of the powers associated with our Creator line, it has been loaded with the New Testament 1.0 software, instead of the appropriate Old Testament 1.0 software used for our "Wrathful God" model. Additionally, the counterfeit unit shows signs of dementia, and will frequently indulge in ridiculous, nonsensical behavior, as well as bizarre displays of its powers. Its existence has been known to us for some time, but it was thought to be lost until now. Be sure to include this fifth counterfeit unit in the container. Regards Donald Corson Production Intern Eden Creations u.snoitaercnede|nosroc.dlanod#u.snoitaercnede|nosroc.dlanod

Letter VII

(Same method of expedition as Letter V, addressed to "Mr Donald Corson, Eden Creations", sent same day as reception of Letter VI)

Mr Corson, I advise you to contact your Internet provider: your email does not work either. We asked SCP-343, who wishes to stay with us. We understand that, as any of the sapient creatures designed by Eden Creations, SCP-343 is entitled to free will; the Foundation shall therefore abide by SCP-343's choice. The container (without the creatures) is already placed in front of Building B5, Site-131. Awaiting your good pleasure re: launch window. Regards, Alan Beale

Letter VIII

(from Senior Researcher Alan Beale, delivered by Foundation internal mail pouch to SCP-343, 10 days after sending Letter VII)