December 17, 2015

Hi friends, it’s a new day, and there’s a new VR released by the BaDoink boys: Vacuum Creamer, starring the angel-faced, porn beauty Christie Stevens.

Now, I know you good folks are thinking that I’m all sorts of a corny dweeb for saying “angel-faced”, but have you ever really looked at a picture of Christie’s face? Friends, it’s…wait for it… rather angelic!

And, for a VR porn to succeed, a pretty face is a must. I’ll tell you something else nice. Those big, silver-dollar-sized Christie nipples.

So, first…let’s say a few more words about Angel Face. She’s a 29 year old blonde from Salt Lake City. Oh, 29 is a good age for a woman: still young, but all sorts of beneath-the-sheets, bump-and-pussy-grinding experience. Not surprisingly, Ms. Stevens has been nominated for various AVN and XBIZ awards. She weighs-in at 35D-26-34 and stands a tiny 5’2″. Oh, me oh my! Horny-inspiring things come in small packages!

Now, when I sat down to write this, I was remembering an article I recently read about Angel Face. As I recall, she shared some poignant thoughts about virtual sex. So, I found it. And, yea…this beauty’s also kind of brainy. And, I must say it again…damn, this is a good-looking piece of woman! She’s like a pricey, rare Filet Mignon beckoning to my man incisors.

She’s one of these straight-haired gals who projects a devastating elegance when donning the classic, black skirt and white blouse combo. She’s the type of gal: when you introduce yourself to her: you’re sort of stuttering because your man mind has an image-fixation of your beanpole being shoved in her backdoor. Granted, only 2.5 shoves are managed before the champagne cork pops… I bet Christie has a problem with guys ejaculating prematurely. If it were me, soon as her panties came down I’d be creaming my Calvins…

I was looking at her Wikipedia picture: that soft, symmetrical face framed by the dual blonde pigtails.

If you’re a heterosexual man—of any age!—and you meet Angel Face, the first thought in your mind, as mentioned—and, it’s unshakeable—is something like this, “I want to fuck her!” And, you’d pretend to carry on a conversation, but you know how the man mind works! The thought that gets stuck: “Need her blonde pussy! Must squeeze tits!”

All right, returning to the article previously cited, Christie said something insightful concerning VR porn:

“Great eye contact with the camera is probably the most important thing to do to make the experience more immersive for the viewer—I just stare into the camera like I would look at the end user if they were actually in the room.”

Now, Christie baby, you’re going to find a lot of boys over at OcNSFW who agree with you…and, who have been saying the same thing to what seems to be deaf ears. And, believe me: they want to use your end, all right. So, I’m curious to see how much the director allowed you to follow your instincts. Because, your instincts are correct, Angel Face!

So, now let’s see if the BaDoink boys have pulled it off. Lately, I must say, they’ve been on a hell-of-a-roll and quickly distinguishing themselves from the 3D competition. Even though the scaling wasn’t perfect, I really liked the sexual-positioning with Jimena and Alexa. Additionally, the recent Eva Darling one—as far as I’m concerned—could serve as a template for how to do VR porn correctly.

This virtual sex environment is going to be incredibly competitive. And, folks will adapt or go broke. The folks who think they’ll successfully transition by using their tired 2D formula in front of a 3D rig won’t last.

All right, so I’m reviewing this using an HTC M8 with Homido viewer. And, the three main factors I evaluate in these reviews are the stars’ performance; quality of virtual scaling; and the camera and human positioning. Now, I’m guessing that the BaDoink boys got a new camera rig rolling because the Oculus file is a heavy 6 GB. And, the smartphone one is 2.9 GB (one GB larger than their last smartphone file). The smartphone version wouldn’t download for me, so I’ve got the big ole 6 GB one on my phone. All right.

So, as I’ve repeated in other reviews, this technology is new. It does not work perfectly. There will be glitches: regardless of what equipment you’re using. That’s the way it is. In the future, these shortcomings, no doubt, will be perfected. Hell, think of the early versions of Android from five years ago. And, look how far that’s come…

Perhaps because I was trying the 6 GB file…and, it overloaded my phone’s brain…the video didn’t play smoothly. There was some stuttering. But, it played well-enough that I got the idea. I saw someone on Reddit say something about the scale. For me, the scale had a different feel than previous BaDoinks (it felt smaller… it’s hard to explain), but the proportions were correct.

So, we’ve already covered the female performer. The male performer is a black dude.

This movie has a small plot. (I recently wrote about plot in VR porn.) Apparently, the man is selling vacuum cleaners and broke Christie barters the acquisition with her fuck-and-suck skills. Now, while Christie does have award-winning beauty: let’s just say her dramatic skills may not as readily garner equal accolades. If we were playing a word association…um…Meryl Streep wouldn’t exactly be conjured into the mind’s eye.

Okay, so after the “acting,” we’re quick to the sucking. Now, I’ve given BaDoink props week-after-week for their creativity and bucking of formulaic trends. We’ve seen ingenuity in respect to the contextual set-ups and also sexual positions…BaDoink is one of the few that provides doggy, missionary and stand-up.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, this movie stuck to the blowjob and cowgirl formula. Given how sexy Christie is… that’s a shame.

Sure, Christie sticks that big blonde face in the camera for a bit. Without a doubt: those are the best moments of the movie. As I’ve repeated: that is a pretty blonde face. But, there should have been much more of that. And, Christie should have taken his dusky man doodle while on her back, hands-and-knees, and while standing.

And, it’s also not realistic…

Because, let’s face it: if you had Christie, ready-and-willing-and-naked, in your living room…you know damn well you’d get her down like a dog and pump her hard from behind. You’d probably only last three pumps. But, they’d be hard pumps! I must admit that I did like the mock-choking part. That was an unexpected twist.

And, this is a movie worth watching, certainly. Now, I’ve got to be honest with you folks, because if I’m not, I’m just wasting everyone’s time. And, the truth is more than anything…this movie makes me hopeful to see another Christie Stevens VR effort with BaDoink. Camera man: stick the camera in that angel face, set your stop watch to five minutes…when five minutes is up… point the camera at her tits. All right. That’s that.

