Hank & Jimmy

Hank and Jimmy have been working for the city for almost ten years now. They both love pizza, beer and watching wrestling on TV. Hank helped Jimmy remove his cat from the tail pipe of his F-150. He has no idea how it got in there…it died. Hank is on his 3rd wife, Jimmy is on his first. Jimmy’s wife is named Shawnte, and she loves tweeting about Justin Beiber. Hank’s wife is named Jesse and she has a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil above her left butt cheek. Hank has a son who is in prison, and Jimmy has a daughter on the way. Jimmy’s wife was adamant the new baby girl be named “Ladynasty”, a name she proudly invented herself. The name is pronounced “La-Dynasty” but Jimmy constantly argues people will think her name is “Lady Nasty”.

Melba

Melba has an obnoxious pain in her left ankle that makes it hard to go up and down stairs. She loves any film with Walter Matthau in it and she has a small dog named Mitzy that hasn’t peed for about two weeks and she hasn’t been able to figure out why (it’s because Mitsy keep getting into Melba’s prescription hemorrhoid cream and eating it. Mitsy will die soon and Melba will get a wiener dog and name it Shizzle because she has no idea what that means in slang.). Melba is married to a man named Frank who is a man of very few words but he likes to smoke prescription weed and watch Hannity and O’Reilly on Fox News. Both live in a mobile home that has the distinct smell of meatloaf, sweat and medicine.

Shouting Redneck

The shouting redneck listens to Jerry Reed and drives exactly 7 miles over the speed limit. He has a hunting and fishing license and 12 rusted out vehicles in his yard. He has a small gun on his belt buckle that shoots one bullet “just in case”, but he has to lift his gut to get to it. Sadly, his wife has passed and he mainly lives on beef jerky, elk, trout and Coors. He secretly has an obsession with Sex in the City and when alone, tears up easily. He loves kittens.

Dude Getting Out of His Car

The Dude Getting Out of His Car was on his way to return his 3 DVDs to Blockbuster so he could get 3 more. He does this on a daily basis because he burns them all before watching them. He has a massive collection of burned movies, half of them were improperly burned so that they have the wrong audio (for instance, random episodes of “the Sopranos” are in French) and others just freeze up at random moments and won’t play. He has all of the DVDs filed in shoe boxes marked by genre. Genres include Western, Action, Kids, Romance, and Seagal.

Chuckles

Chuckles escaped his owner’s home when he was 3 days old. Being the size of a rat, he found himself blending in with the sewer rats of his area and learning their ways. One night, he and all of the rats ganged up on a pig and killed it. It was a big pig. Because he soon outgrew the other rats, Chuckles was soon made leader of the rat pack and ruled the underground of the streets for over two years. During that time he led three invasions of a pizza restaurant, 12 attacks on rival rat gangs, and 232 attacks on sleeping hobos. During an evening heist of a buffet restaurant, Chuckles was caught by animal control and taken to the pound, where he was taken into the care of an elder woman named Margaret. Margaret gave Chuckles his name and regularly dresses him in pink ribbons. She remains unaware that Chuckles has murdered local crows and pigeons on multiple occasions and has stuffed all of their corpses under her defunct Volvo. Chuckles also is literally possessed by at least 13 demons and if his barking could be translated to English he would mainly be saying “We are Legion for we are many” and stuff like that.

Cody

Cody was raised by wolves, then when he was 13 he was picked up by a WWF Wrestler and learned the ways of Americal Professional Wrestling. When the Animalpocalypse broke out, Cody and his friend Bart were called upon by the government to fight the entire animal kingdom and defeat it, all of it, using suplexes, punches, clotheslines and haymakers.

Bart

Similar to Cody, Bart was raised by badgers, and then after his family of badgers was killed by a tractor he moved in with a family of wild boars. Bart drank the blood of an eagle and that is how he became an amazing fighter. He was discovered by government operatives who called upon him and Cody to save the world when the animals decided to rebel against mankind. Bart does not cut his hair into a mullet, it grows that way naturally.

Dude With a Van

This guy has a van that is overdue on payments, and he is constantly avoiding a repo man named DJ Paul (the Repo man is also a DJ at a local dance club called “All Dat”, and his name is Paul). The van is well lived in and contains one giant jug that is completely filled with urine. Over time it has gone from misty yellow, to orange, to deep red, to rusty brown. It has become so discolored it now looks more like motor oil than urine. He can’t bring himself to throw it away because he wants to see what color or form of liquid it changes to next. He smokes cloves and listens to Primus. He also secretly has a crush on Anne Coulter but is terrified his friends will find out and burn him one night while he is asleep in his van.

Jack

Jack the tree boss eats meat with every meal and drinks three large mugs of black coffee every day. He wanted to be a police officer when he was younger but could never pass the physical examination. He owns a flute, and he tries to play it in secret quite often. He carries the flute in the back of his pickup truck and has been known to use it for self defense. He has a recurring dream about being a cop, and having a brother who is also a cop, with an axe, and a pet dinosaur. It is his favorite dream.

Stupid Hat Guy

Stupid Hat Guy takes a lot of pride in the stupid hats he finds at second hand stores. When he was 14 he tried to bleach his hair and dye it purple and he totally messed it up, so he wore one of his deceased Grandfather’s old hats. He didn’t even realize how retro and cool it would end up being. This was the dawn of his new embrace of being retro. He bought an Atari, a phonograph and a monocle the next day.

Smelly Hippy

The smelly hippy got his hair put in dreads from a homeless Jamaican guy who traded him for one of his Mountain bikes. Smelly Hippy, despite his appearance, is actually the son of a successful attorney named Frank McNutterson. After getting his car, college tuition and insurance paid for he just couldn’t take it any more. He was sick of his Dad’s corporate ways. He decided to become homeless which meant mainly sleeping on friends couches. He rarely showers, so his body takes on a range of smells from old Frito smell to rotten cucumber and hummus smell.

Steve

Steve is an expert when it comes to baking cookies.

Ninja Bacon Hipster

Ninja Bacon Hipser works at a used book store called “Busted Spines” that sells indie comics and old picture books that have cool black and white photos of people smoking and looking away from the camera or sitting alone in an alley with their face in their hands. He considers himself a real web comics aficionado. His favorites include Tally Ho, a Rapscallion!, Kung Fu Gynecologist, Hacksaw Pajamas, Officer Hatchet and X29Z.5. He has his own blog called “Wow…just…WOW” where he says “Wow…just… WOW” in every context imaginable about stuff. Also, his shirt has a piece of ninja bacon on it and he uses egg yolk to get his mustache to twirl up like that.

Bullhorn Hipster

Bullhorn hipster loves bands where the lead vocalist sings even more obnoxiously than Bono from U2 with nasal blockage. He prefers the dorsal fin hairstyle because when he rides his bike it doesn’t get messed up, it just helps with aerodynamics. Nobody knows it but those glasses aren’t even real.

Bradley the Keytar Player

Bradley started out on the cello, then he switched to the double bass as he grew taller. He has perfect pitch, but also a terrible sense of rhythm. Still, he’s the stable leader of the bass section in the local amateur community orchestra. In High school he joined some friends forming an electro-punk-ska band called Borborygmus, although he prefers the more intricate bass lines of the Tchaikovsky symphonies. They had more names than the number of songs they played, including Last Tuesday, B*O*O*M, Thai Machine, Insert Band Name Here, Up Your Nose, After the Bomb and Evil Armadilloz. Once he left for college he met a guy who knew a guy who started a band with a girl he had a crush on called Sexy Ester. They needed a keytar player, and Bradley needed an outlet, so he went ahead and joined up.