WASHINGTON—In the wake of a shooting in Sutherland Springs, TX that left at least 26 people dead and 20 wounded, the nation declared its intent Monday to wait for more facts on the mass slaughter before doing absolutely nothing about it. “We don’t want to jump to conclusions and get the facts wrong before we start ignoring it completely,” said Enid, OK resident Roger Benson, echoing the sentiments of 324 million other Americans who added they weren’t willing to do nothing whatsoever to address the country’s mass shooting epidemic until they learned more about the killer, including his possible connection to the church and his mental health background. “People have been speculating on social media, but that doesn’t do us any good unless we know the truth about his family life, and how and why he was able to acquire an assault weapon—otherwise, there’s just no way to neglect to address this shooting in the larger context of gun violence in America. We all need to take a deep breath, gather as much information as we can, and then sit with our hands folded indefinitely.” At press time, the nation conceded that even if a couple facts remained unknown, that shouldn’t stand in way of a concerted effort to simply wait for the next bloodbath.

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