“Swearing doesn’t make your argument valid; it just tells the other person you have lost your class and control.” Shannon L. Alder

The concept of locus of control, first put forward by the American psychologist Julian B. Rotter in 1954, defined us the feeling of having a control over a situation, circumstances and control in one’s life in general. There are two types of locus of control, internal, when you feel you have a control and external, when the control is out of your hands.

Locus of control is fundamental on our wellbeing and happiness. It is often researched and written about in psychology papers, such as elderly in nursing homes having a pet, a plant to look after, not only improves their wellbeing also improves their life span. In addition people with high levels of external locus of control are more prone to anxiety and clinical depression.

Recently I was visiting my parents after almost two years and I realised that my locus of control is in the hands of my mother. She would like to control almost every aspect of my life, from what I eat to whom I visit and speak. She’s got something bad to say about every single person and she uses me to get her own back from family. As she is always right, there is no point of arguing with her, she won’t change her mind.

The way I decided to deal with my mother is to use some of the improv tenets, ‘yes, and’ and ‘don’t deny the reality’. I agreed with her and said yes and to her whims no matter how absurd. This helped me to become far more agreeable and we had far more opportunities to have a laugh together. In one instance, she told me not to visit my cousin because he never visit her and his wife made a passing comment that I spent too much time at their place last time I visited.

I ignored her advice as usual and visited my cousin and his family. It all came to halt when my cousin visited my mother and made a passing comment about my visit. I noticed her face turning sour when she realised I in fact went to visit them.

Normally she would try to control everybody in the family with her mood swings. She can be charming when she wants to be, yet she is poisonous when she doesn’t get her own way. I realised that there is no way of making happy.

Improv helped me cope with my mother and gave me more sense of control dealing with her. Practising unconditional self acceptance and accepting her reality as it is, helped her feel happier and in consequence I was feeling happier. Needless to say, this didn’t always work. While I agreed and said yes that I would not visit my cousin because of some absurd reasons, then I went and visited them. My cousin come to visit my mother and he casually mentioned my visit. I could see that she was livid, although she didn’t try to show it when my cousin was around.

After my cousin left I run away, later on I noticed my dad was trying to appease her, she asked me whether I visited my cousin, I said yes and that his wife wasn’t well, I went to visit her (she is recovering from cancer). I said goodnight before she managed to ask any more questions and went to bed.

Although I have been away from home for the last 30 years, my mother still has a strong sway and control whenever I visit. While it is important to make her happy, I realised it’s more important to remind myself that I am in control and I can choose to respond the way I would like to choose to respond to every situation. I chose to smile while I am with her as this helped me feel far more in control and gave me a sense of calmness as oppose to a sense of that I need to get away from her as quickly as I can.

Often families are an emotional minefield. The feeling of the locus of control is particularly important for one’s happiness and wellbeing. Often it’s possible to get away as I did, although reminding oneself that we have a choice how we respond to a specific situation.

Nat Tsolak

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