So – how are you going there with the recent wave of rape, prostitution and sexual misconduct scandals that has just hit k-pop? If the answer is “swimmingly, everyone is going to jail roflmao”, then that’s great – continue to enjoy k-pop and feel free to disregard this post! However if your reaction is more along the lines of “OH MY GOD HOW COULD MY BIAS HAVE DONE THIS ERTWIUHDFSOIUHOEFW BRB KMS”, this post has some handy hints that could help you cope with the trauma of realising the ugly truth that your k-pop fave has possibly drugged and raped girls, recorded video of it and then shared the footage to Seungri and his friends. Read on!

Although Kpopalypse probably doesn’t seem very “woke” on the surface to the average k-pop stan who has trouble reading sentences and actually comprehending them, as a matter of fact I am woke as fuck when it comes to “waking people up” to the reality that surrounds k-pop. I’ve been telling k-pop loving folks for years that k-pop is a hotbed of exploitation, organised crime, drugs and unimaginable feats of classy-sexiness long before any actual official news of such events came to light. Of course, while I have known these things for a long time, I never expected anybody to actually listen or believe me, and of course most people didn’t, continuing to presume that their bias is a wonderful angel who only thinks about holding hands and walking in the park with his one true love after his contract is over. As a result of people largely believing that I was just making all this shit up, the k-pop community is now generally fairly emotionally unprepared to deal with the full force of knowing that their k-pop faves pimped out girls to mafia drug lords and overseas sponsors. Never one to hold a grudge against disbelieving fans, Kpopalypse is now here with some helpful suggestions to get you through the trying days ahead!

Suggestion 1 – stan girl groups instead

Too much X in your ex-TVXQ members? BigBang ended up being a bigger bang than you signed up for? Why not stan a girl group?

While it’s not completely unheard of for women to be rapists, the probabilities of this occurring certainly are statistically much lower than with male groups. If you had stanned Loona instead of a boy group, the outcome of your bias being a sex criminal probably wouldn’t have happened.

While the exact character traits of groups like Gfriend may not be as obvious as they appear, it’s probably still true that they haven’t creampied girls in the back of cars when they weren’t even conscious. This fact should allow for those concerned about sexual crimes to engage in relatively risk-free stanning.

You could even stan a B-list group if you wanted. The chances of any of the girls in S.I.S or any similar-tier k-pop girl group nugus being anything other than a victim in any given rape situation within the k-pop industry are statistically extremely low. Just as well – nothing like peace of mind, right?

Suggestion 2 – explore other music genres

If the concern over rape within k-pop groups is keeping you up at night, why not switch to other musical genres where rape is perceived to be less of an issue?

Punk rockers don’t give much of a fuck about little details like rape. Nobody cared that GG Allin raped people onstage, listen to this crowd laugh it up when he says that he’s going to rape his audience. No big thing, man.

If loud guitars and screaming isn’t your style, what about some rap music? XXXTentacion didn’t mind a little classy-sexiness, but if he’s too nu-school there’s always “classic rappers” like Tupac, who still has plenty of fans ready to defend his “honour” of being a shitty back-dancer in Digital Underground who was good at selling a con for maybe a third of one solo album.

If that’s all a little bit much, perhaps consider the soft, smooth R&B vibe of R. Kelly, not to mention the King of R&B, Michael Jackson. Well, okay, those guys are copping a bit of heat actually, maybe it’s because they’re musically closer to k-pop… um, yeah never mind, just listen to Anal Cunt instead.

Suggestion 3 – enhance your career prospects

Sure, hearing about your bias drugging and fucking a bunch of half-comatose young girls is horrible, but what if you could turn this terrible news into a positive? If you’re a k-pop fan struggling for a good topic to write about for that all-important gender studies thesis, there’s nothing like delving deep into controversial aspects of a subculture nobody gives a fuck about to attract bewildered stares and inevitable “A” markings from your lecturers because they don’t know enough about your obscure topic to know whether you’re just making it all up or not. Your incredibly pertinent academic insight into the situation is also sure to make the victims feel a lot better, assuming that they’re still alive and willing to read and relive the trauma in academic essay form.

If the topic really interests you a whole lot, after graduation you could write for a spectacular true investigative journalism site like Asian Junkie, an exceptionally erudite and woke equal opportunity workplace where female staffers feel very safe and the only type of exploitation you’ll experience is financial.

Suggestion 4 – tone down the crazy just a little

Strange as it might seem, your fave probably wasn’t an angel anyway. You’ll have a better time dealing with the perhaps-inevitable news that your favourite cute k-pop boy spends his off-time planting hidden spy cameras in nightclub toilets and then forcing dragged-in k-pop girls to participate in a quickie, if you didn’t put them on such an exalted pedestal in the first place. Young dumb kids are going to do young dumb kids’ stuff, and in an environment where nobody really gets to grow up in a normal way, you can bet that there’s even more mentally underdeveloped man-children running around in the k-pop idol world than in the general population. One of the main reasons why companies keep such a tight leash on these idols is that without that leash they’re liable to do any old stupid thing, that’s why the male idols getting busted lately are all ones who are rich and successful enough to have outgrown the “you must not leave the dorms” leashing stage. It’s best to keep your expectations of your favourite k-pop boys and girls nice and low, that way when they do something marginally clever you can be pleasantly surprised, and when they do something fucking stupid you can laugh on the outside while dying on the inside, instead of just dying all over.

Suggestion 5 – run a shitty k-pop blog

There’s never a bad time to take the piss out of k-pop, and arguably no better time than when k-pop itself savages its own fake image so thoroughly that you don’t have to do anything except write lazy articles saying “look at that thing happening over there, it’s a thing”. Shitting out a thoughtless post about this situation with no real content in it of any worth other than a few cheap observations copy-pasted from Korean news sites at the expense of suffering individuals should be good for building that web traffic and also give you a few days breathing room while you work on other content. Or so I’ve heard, anyway – Kpopalypse posts are always full of original content as well as genuine concern for victims of crime so I can’t relate.

Suggestion 6 – stan Yua Mikami

If the creation of classy-sexy pornography wasn’t banned in Korea, maybe these k-pop guys with buried rape fetishes would be able to get their rocks off harmlessly to some badly-acted fantasy drama footage without hurting anyone, instead of trying to do their own amateur DIY versions with far lesser production values and poor girls who didn’t consent to [fill in the blank with your favourite classy-sexy activity]. It’s a well-researched fact that in an environment where there is more access to legitimate sex industry services, sex-related crimes go down. By entering into k-pop completely voluntarily (because she already makes scads of money from her film career), Japanese drama actress Yua Mikami is doing everybody in the world a favour by being a highly-visible ambassador for this type of content and perhaps steering a few people away from performing this sort of activity in real life. I think that’s worthy of some high praise, especially these days where we can see exactly how much it’s needed.

That’s all for this post – Kpopalypse shall return!