Nicolas Cage is fascinating. This is far from breaking news. Scan through his IMDb page to remind yourself. The man won a Best Actor Oscar for his performance as an alcoholic trying to drink himself to death, then promptly turned around and made — back-to-back-to-back — The Rock, Con Air, and Face/Off. And that’s when things started getting weird. I don’t need to belabor this point. You’ve fallen asleep with FX on and woken up at 2:45 a.m. in the middle of Drive Angry. But it’s also real life, too. He has owned castles, plural. He named his son Kal-El, after Superman. He got a tattoo of a lizard in a top hat on his back, which he explained by telling reporters, “When I got that I really needed to claim my own body. I know that sounds way out, but it’s true. Other cultures have initiations into manhood and that’s what the tattoo was for me.” He also purchased himself a large pyramid-shaped tomb in New Orleans. As one does. A few weeks ago, on a whim, I decided to work my way through his entire Getty image archive, just to see if the Nic Cage Experience translated to still pictures. The answer, obviously, was yes. I mean, look at that banner image. That is Nicolas Cage introducing Guns N’ Roses at the Hard Rock Hotel in May of last year. And that is a wine glass filled with blood. (I don’t actually know what’s in the glass. It’s probably wine. But you didn’t even question the blood thing, did you?) There are tons of pictures like this, all wild hair and crazed eyes and eccentric fashion decisions. I recommend taking a few hours and flipping through the whole thing yourself, if you have the time and resources. But if you don’t, don’t worry. I pulled out some highlights. Allow me to guide you on a magical journey. I. The Early Years Date: January 01, 1984

Description: “UNITED STATES – 1984: Actor Nicolas Cage.” This is one of the first pictures of Nicolas Cage in the Getty archive, taken on New Year’s Day in 1984, two years removed from his appearance in Fast Times at Ridgemont High when he was still “Nicolas Coppola,” and less than one year after he was re-born as Nicolas Cage in Valley Girl. Only 19 years old. He doesn’t know what’s coming yet. He couldn’t possibly dream it. No one could. He is Columbus facing west on the shores of Europe. Rest now, young traveler. You have much exploring to do. Date: June 01, 1988

Description: “Nicolas Cage & Johnny Depp during Decline of Western Civilization Part 2:: The Metal Years Premiere at Cinerama Dome in Los Angeles, California, United States.”

Is … is Nicolas Cage glowing? Because it looks like he’s glowing. Is he an angel? A rocker angel? Johnny Depp’s rocker guardian angel? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE MAKE A 1988 NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE TITLED ROCKER ANGEL WHERE HE PLAYS A DEAD ROCK STAR WHO HELPS JOHNNY DEPP NAVIGATE THE TRAPPINGS OF THE HOLLYWOOD PARTY SCENE? WHY ISN’T ANYONE MAKING ONE NOW? DO I HAVE TO BLEED FOR THIS? MUST I SHOW YOU BLOOD? IS THAT THE SACRIFICE YOU REQUIRE? So there are a few questions here. Date: June 16, 1990

Description: “Nicolas Cage and Charlie Sheen Sighting At Bar One Nightclub at Bar One in Los Angeles, California, United States.” Informative, factually correct description. We would have also accepted “Cocaine.” II. Clothes/Hair Date: May 22, 1995

Description: “American actor Nicolas Cage talks with journalists on the Cannes Croisette, on the eve of the projection of his new film ‘Kiss of Death.'”

This picture — depicting Nicolas Cage lounging in a Cannes beach chair while wearing an outfit that consists of (a) three different shades of red, including pinstriped maroon pants and an absurdly wide-collared strawberry suit jacket, and (b) what appear to be cowboy boots — is titled “American actor Nicolas Cage talks with journalists.” Like it’s a normal press conference. It is a good picture. Date: June 28, 2001

Description: “Nicolas Cage & Lisa Marie Presley during InStyle Magazine & Jason Lee Host Private Art Exhibition Celebrating The Oil Paintings Of Bryten Goss at Quixote Studios in Los Angeles, California, United States.” Look at Nicolas Cage. Look. At. Nicolas. Cage. The abstract art fever dream unbuttoned to the point of recklessness, the blinding white pants, the villainous goatee, all of it. He looks like a drug dealer in a Nicolas Cage movie. All that’s missing is the exotic red sports car, which is probably parked outside and about to be repossessed by the bank. Date: July 22, 2006

Description: “Nicolas Cage attends the 2006 Comic-Con in San Diego.” Please note: Hair

Sunglasses (indoors)

Ring I choose to believe this image captures him 10 minutes into a 20-minute explanation of the universe, which he began delivering shortly after someone in the crowd asked him to explain how it wasn’t a bigger deal in Face/Off that he and John Travolta kept their different-shaped bodies when they swapped faces. Date: May 28, 1993

Description: “Nicolas Cage.” Rude, Getty. III. Eyes. EYES. Date: December 27, 2002

Description: “Nicolas Cage Serves Popcorn to Fans on the Opening Day of His Directorial Debut, ‘Sonny’ at Laemmle Pasadena and Sunset 5 Theaters in Pasadena and West Hollywood, California, United States.”

My favorite part of this picture is that Nicolas Cage is allegedly serving someone popcorn but no one is looking at anyone. The mustachioed gentleman in the leather coat — my new favorite person — is looking off-camera as part of the “Ayyy, get a load-a this. Nicolas Cage, a big MO-VIE STAR, servin’ me popcorn. Some country, eh?” finger point and smile thing he’s doing. And Nicolas Cage is looking DIRECTLY INTO YOUR SOUL. Very normal. A standard popcorn transaction. I was almost certain the whole thing was a wax creation for Madame Tussads when I first saw it. It’s too perfect to be real. Date: March 09, 2014

Description: “Actress Rosario Dawson arrives at the premiere of ‘Joe’ during the 2014 SXSW Music, Film + Interactive Festival at Paramount Theatre.” Dang, Rosario Dawson. Might be time to cut back on the coffee. Date: August 30, 2013

Description: “Nicolas Cage attends the ‘Joe’ Premiere during The 70th Venice International Film Festival at Palazzo Del Cinema.” So what I need to stress here is that I have not altered this image in any way. I did not zoom in, I did not crop, I did not enhance. Click the link if you don’t believe me. A real photographer grabbed his or her camera and framed this extreme close-up and then Nicolas Cage made this exact face and then SNAP!. It’s madness that anyone in need of a stock photo of Nicolas Cage to run with a news story or casting announcement uses any image other than this one. I mean, if this post has taught us anything it’s that there’s a bountiful cornucopia of options for you to sort through, but still. Don’t overthink it, media folks. IV: Miscellaneous

Date: February 07, 2006

Description: “Jennifer Lopez, Donatella Versace, Halle Berry and boyfirend, Gabriel Aubry and Nicolas Cage at the re-opening celebration of the Versace Fifth Ave. Boutique.”

Maybe it’s the mustache combined with the collection of fashion icons and staggeringly beautiful people, but … it kind of looks like he’s photobombing them, right? Like he just hopped into the shot at the last second. Let’s all just pretend this is what happened. Date: July 06, 2010

Description: “Actor Nicolas Cage and Mickey Mouse attends the premiere of ‘The Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ at the New Amsterdam Theatre.” The opposite expressions on their faces and the stiff, tense handshake almost makes it look like Wizard Mickey Mouse just battered Nicolas Cage in a series of tough diplomatic negotiations. “Ha ha, shouldn’t have violated the peace treaty, ha ha! Now we’re instituting sanctions, ha ha!” Date: October 07, 2013

Description: “American actor Nicolas Cage (C) speaks to the media after winning Best Global Actor in Motion Picture at the 2013 Huading Awards ceremony at The Venetian.” There’s a lot going on in this picture, but none of it is more important than the fact that Nicolas Cage won a Chinese Best Global Actor Award in a year in which the only movies he appeared in were The Croods and Frozen Ground. (A third film, Joe, was released after the ceremony was held.) From HuffPo’s coverage of the event: “I believe in the genius loci of a place, the genie of the place is what I call it. I absorb that energy and it affects performance wherever I go,” Cage said on the red carpet. “… Making a movie in China, I’m buzzing with good energy, I feel great here. I love the people I’m working with, I love the crew, and there’s a genuine warmth and enthusiasm that I get from my conversations.” Also receiving awards at the ceremony were Nicole Kidman, Avril Lavigne, and “Matthew Perry of Friends.” Again, in 2013. I really think they just gave an award to whoever promised to show up. I wonder if Schwimmer has one yet. He has the time. Date: May 17, 2010

Description: “Actors Nicolas Cage and Tom Cruise attend the Handprint And Footprint Ceremony Honoring Producer Jerry Bruckheimer at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.”