Name: Trump’s hair.

Age: New? Old? Carved from the very fabric of time itself? We may never know.

Appearance: A bin lid made of barbershop sweepings.

Oh, that’s a good one. Hey, what about this? Appearance: A tumble-dried baboon.

Amazing! Any more? Appearance: A sentient, sicked-up hairball.

Can we just make the whole thing this, please? Sadly, we cannot. For the secret of Donald Trump’s hair has finally been revealed.

You’re kidding me. Nope. Tucked away in Michael Wolff’s new book, Fire and Fury: Inside Trump’s White House, drowned out by all the stuff about how colossally useless he and everyone on his team is, you will find a precise description of how his abstract sculpture of a haircut came to be.

This is huge news! The hugest. Apparently, Ivanka Trump often mocks the haircut’s elaborate construction process to others, which is how Wolff got wind of it.

And? Don’t leave me hanging here! So, first, Trump is apparently completely bald on top.

Well, duh. Also, the book says he had scalp-reduction surgery.

What the hell is scalp-reduction surgery? It’s when surgeons snip off some of your bald scalp, then stretch the remaining hair-covered portion of scalp up over your skull.

That sounds like a living nightmare. I know. Also it costs thousands of dollars, scabs over like nobody’s business and often doesn’t work.

Is that it? Of course that’s not it. According to the book, Trump then brushes his hair by bringing it all up from the front and sides, before locking it into place with a stiffening spray. In addition, his doctor has said that Trump takes the hair-loss drug finasteride, which has been linked with several physical, psychological and ejaculatory side-effects.

Dare I ask about the colour? Of his hair? Of course. The book claims that Trump uses Just for Men, a product that darkens the longer it’s left in.

But his hair isn’t dark at all. Well spotted. Apparently, Trump doesn’t have the patience to leave it in for the full length of time. In summary, the president of the United States has such a short attention span that he can’t wait long enough to stop his hair being the colour of dehydrated camel urine.

Do say: “It’s good to make fun of Donald Trump’s hair again.”

Don’t say: “This certainly bodes well for the future of the planet.”