ATLANTA—Stressing that it was a simple solution to avoid long-term injuries, researchers from Emory Healthcare published a report Friday suggesting that Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out for a change. “We strongly recommend young pitchers avoid needless strain on their ligaments and tendons by actually throwing some balls over the goddamn plate,” said Director Of Sports Medicine Neeru Jayanthi, asserting pitch counts and extended rest would not be necessary if young players would just do what they were sent out on the mound to do. “We’re truly horrified when we see reports of starters throwing 70-plus pitches, when young players wouldn’t have to throw more than 50 if they could figure how to get that curveball to break away from the hitter and not right into the barrel of his fucking bat. Another surefire way to avoid wear and tear is to stop walking batters. Pitchers are having Tommy John surgery earlier and earlier these days, so we really can’t stress the value of doing this little exercise called ‘striking someone out.’” Jayanthi urged players who were really worried about the threat of injury to just quit because they’re clearly not cut out for the sport.

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