CUPERTINO—Holding their receipts aloft as they seized the tech executive, a mob of irate mothers reportedly tore Apple CEO Tim Cook limb from limb Wednesday, demanding to know whether their iTunes gift cards would still be active after the app shut down. “Mr. Cook! Mr. Cook! What about our hard-earned money? My son still has $12.99 on a gift card I bought him for Christmas of 2016. Does that just go down the drain?” said a wild-eyed 45-year-old woman as hundreds of fellow mothers simultaneously tugged, yanked, and pulled on the Apple CEO’s arms and legs until they eventually broke and were ripped clean off. “Please! I just bought a three-pack of gift cards from Costco for emergency birthday gifts. And my husband has $100 on his iTunes account that I told him to use on movies, but he never did. Mr. Cook, I’m begging you! You already took my money, don’t make me take any of yours.” At press time, Tim Cook’s headless torso was discovered floating in a nearby reservoir, stuffed to the brim with iTunes gift cards.

Advertisement