Shortly after he had tweeted that it felt like his wedding day all over again, Jeremy Hunt walked into Committee Room 14 to cast his vote. Presumably his wife picked her husband in a secret ballot. Moments later, Dominic Raab followed him, the anger vein pumping overtime in his forehead. He was rushing on his steroid run. And he felt just like Jesus’s son.

Other MPs had their phones confiscated at the door. There had been rumours that Team Boris, led by Gavin Williamson, had instructed all their supporters to take a picture of their ballot paper with the X in the appropriate box. Trust is currently in short supply in the Tory party, and many MPs appear shell-shocked by the viciousness of the threats being made in private in the Commons tea rooms. More savvy MPs came ready with a burner phone. A WhatsApp photo message could be the difference between a ministerial career and the backbenches.

Tory leadership race: a to-do list for the candidates Read more

Theresa May muttered a brusque: “None of your business” when asked whom she had voted for, while Michael Gove declared he had voted for the best candidate. Which must be the first time a leadership contender has openly admitted he wouldn’t be voting for himself. Boris Johnson, mouth clamped shut with gaffer tape, arrived with a minder whose sole job was to ensure his man said nothing to anyone. Mission accomplished. The less Johnson says in public, the more Tory MPs flock to support him.

Of the contenders themselves, only Esther McVey, Andrea Leadsom and Rory Stewart were ever-presents in the corridor. McVey and Leadsom kept their heads down, as if already resigned to their fate, while Stewart paced nervously. It soon became clear why. His big beast supporter, Ken Clarke, had gone awol and didn’t have a phone. With just 15 minutes to go till voting closed, Clarke finally appeared. Stewart looked a relieved man.

David Davis had been forced to make a second attempt at voting, the first having ended in failure when he couldn’t produce any ID. “We don’t know who you are, David,” one of the tellers had said. He didn’t seem that bothered and used the opportunity to audition for his one man standup show. How had the PM voted? “I’ve no idea. And I had a drink with her last night.” Was he campaigning for Raab? Not when he had been having a drink with Theresa. Boom, boom. Don’t call us.

Only Raab and Stewart bothered to turn up in person for the result shortly after 1pm. The declaration was made by Cheryl Gillan, as the chairman of the 1922 Committee, Graham Brady, had recused himself to stand in the election, only to fail to secure enough supporters to even make it on the ballot. A man who gives hope to us all. He fails so we don’t have to. Westminster’s very own Prince Andrew.

Then the spinning started. Team Boris said little and tried not to smirk. The margin of victory had exceeded even their own expectations. Williamson’s strongarm tactics had paid dividends. Hard to imagine anyone being terrified by Private Pike, but there’s no accounting for the vices and self-interest of Tory MPs.

Sajid Javid’s adviser insisted her man had finished “a very strong fifth” by picking up 23 votes. She didn’t look best pleased when several journalists, myself included, started sniggering. “It’s true,” she said crossly. “At one point he was in sixth place.” It wasn’t the strongest of sales pitches.

Quick guide Tory party leadership contest Show Hide What happens next in the Tory party leadership race? As she announced on 24 May, Theresa May stepped down formally as Conservative leader on Friday 7 June, although she remains in place as prime minister until her successor is chosen. In a Conservative leadership contest MPs hold a series of votes, in order to narrow down the initially crowded field to two leadership hopefuls, who go to a postal ballot of members.

How does the voting work? MPs choose one candidate, in a secret ballot held in a committee room in the House of Commons. The votes are tallied and the results announced on the same day. In the first round any candidate who won the support of less than 17 MPs was eliminated. In the second round anybody reaching less than 33 votes was eliminated. In subsequent rounds the bottom placed contender drops out until there are only two left. The party membership then chooses between them. When will the results be announced?

The postal ballot of members has begun, and the Tory party says it will announce the new prime minister on 23 July.. Photograph: Neil Hall/EPA

Most of the rest took to Twitter to say how delighted they were to have secured so few votes. Mark Harper expressed surprise that anyone knew he existed – it was certainly news to him – while McVey was gobsmacked she had as many as nine backers. As was everyone else. Leadsom counted herself lucky she hadn’t had any new #Rally4Leadsom T-shirts made. Maybe third time lucky. Matt Hancock also couldn’t quite believe he had made such a strong showing with 20 votes. He had been expecting 19 and was so overwhelmed he appeared to be thinking of pulling out. Too much excitement can do that to you.

Stewart was punching the air and sounding off to anyone who would listen. And when no one would, he just chatted to his phone. He had made it to the next round and was determined to enjoy every minute of his time in the sun. He tugged heavily on his opium pipe and revealed his alternative visions of the future. And what dreams. He was going to take Boris down. He was the man to beat. Despite finishing a strong seventh. If Boris chose to shut down parliament he would set up his own in Methodist Central Hall across the road. Shame it was already booked. Shame also that he had been so off his head the previous day that he had failed to back a Labour motion that tried to take no deal and prorogation off the table.

Elsewhere Boris Johnson prepared for office. Sod Brexit. He hadn’t a clue what to do about that. Besides, there were so many other more important projects to consider first. A bridge to Ireland. A new royal yacht to keep his employers at the Telegraph happy. An honours list to die for. The bonfire of the vanities was fully ablaze.