WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the Trump boys attempted to counter Chinese currency manipulation Friday by adding extra zeros to $20 bills. “Our dad is doing a big money war with China, so we took our allowance and turned it into two kajillion [sic] dollars!” said Eric Trump, decorating each bill with several shiny gold-foil star stickers meant to create additional value as Donald Jr. worked diligently to squeeze in as many zeroes as he could across both the front and back of the bill. “Plus, we’re gonna use this lighter we found to melt our coins down into a gold bar. Then America will have so much money that it won’t matter what China does. I glued a picture of President Daddy over that cheap-looking drawing of George Washington D.C. Now it looks way more expensiver [sic]. I can’t believe no one ever thought of this. We’re gonna be rich!” White House sources later confirmed that both Trump boys left a trail of blood on the carpet after cutting their hands on the sharp edges of the ceramic piggy bank they had shattered earlier.

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