CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Melbourne’s paleo community have taken to the streets today to demand the rest of the nation adhere to their chosen lifestyle and diet.

This comes 24 hours after the first diet-based protests broke out across the country on Monday morning, with thousands of iron-deficient inner-city plant-based animal-rights advocates blockading busy metropolitan intersections and trespassing on family properties in regional areas that aren’t too hard to get to from their gentrified echo chambers.

However, the vegans didn’t expect to have to share the limelight with other modern fad diets that make upper class white people appear more interesting.

Today the paleos have had their chance to compromise an captial entire city and a number of family owned businesses who profit off the sale of grains and legumes.

The Paleo diet, or stone-age diet as it is sometimes colloquially referred to, is a style of eating based on the sole or predominant consumption of foods presumed to have been available to humans during the Paleolithic era.

While adherents of the paleo diet usually reserve their sense of entitlement for dinner parties at Italian restaurants that in no way cater to their dietary demands, it appears yesterdays vegan protests have instilled a sense of militarisation within the movement.

11 tram lines in Melbourne have been compromised during peak hour, as subscribers of the Paleolithic Diet demand that their lifestyle choices be viewed as a political movement.

Suburban bakeries around the country have also reported trespassers who are demanding they stop selling such delicious treats made from wheat and sugar.

The Nightwatchman Scott Morrison’s has been urged to condemn the actions of these loser yuppies, however a spokesperson from his office says he has not yet been fully briefed on what this specific diet excludes, and he’s kind of keen to give it a whirl.