I don’t think any of the founding fathers would put up with waiting in line for a shitty club with expensive drinks. I mean, just look at those wigs and puffy shirts! When it came to having a good time, I bet you their tastes were a less shiny shirts and vodka sodas and a little more “Eyes Wide Shut”.

On a typical Saturday evening, you’d find George Washington in secret chambers of an ornate manor getting each of his toes individually sucked by ten high class prostitutes. Like, super high class prostitutes. Like, George Washington, THE PRESIDENT, could only afford to have them suck his *toes.* They’re so high class that they’ve never actually even HAD sex. It’s weird! But that’s what George Washington was into! Probably!

Meanwhile, Benjamin Franklin and Abe Lincoln (who were maybe contemporaries??? I don’t know??? I tend the view “The Past” in hundred year blocks and just kind of lump everyone together??? So deal with it???) probably had each other’s nipples hooked up to car batteries and took turns shocking each other while Thomas Jefferson and Whoever is on the Ten Dollar Bill watched from behind paintings of themselves.

Damn! History is kinky as hell. Why don’t they teach this stuff in schools? Because it’s largely unfounded speculation? No way! Because they’re afraid of giving an entire class of boys and girls savage as hell boners.

T