This season we’ve got four athletes competing under the bright, Monday night, primetime lights on Dancing With The Stars: IndyCar driver James Hinchcliffe, Olympic gymnast Laurie Hernandez, Olympic swimmer/news cycle Ryan Lochte, and former NFL player Calvin Johnson. And, since we care about providing you with the most in-depth sports knowledge possible here at For The Win, I will be tracking the progress of these athletes throughout the season. Here is last week’s recap.

Hello, friends. Thank you for once again strapping yourselves into the seats of this Monday night rocket ship and joining me on our weekly journey into space where we don our primetime head-bubbles and dance among the stars, beholden to neither gravity nor our own gnawing cynicism.

Tonight’s theme is far better and less offensive than last week’s theme, which was “Latin Night,” and which is a thing you’d think ABC would know better than to do by now. But I digress. Tonight, we’re twirling through not only space but also time: “Dancing Through the Decades” will take us on a trip through the 1930s, 40s, 50s, etc., etc., so on, and so forth.

I am aware of this before the show even starts thanks to my colleague, USA TODAY Sports editor Tom O’Toole, who knows more about DWTS than anyone I’ve ever met. Here is our Facebook Live preview of tonight’s show if you’d like to learn from an expert before you listen to the thoughts of a scatterbrained blogger like me (we did not plan to wear matching outfits — also, the sound didn’t work for the first minute or so, but if you fast forward past that, you can actually hear us talking).

Four of the eight remaining contestants on Dancing with the St… Four of the eight remaining contestants on Dancing with the Stars are athletes. Our sports experts break down their performances and flash back to some top athlete dances in the past. Posted by USA TODAY Sports on Monday, October 24, 2016

And now, the main event! Tonight we get two dances — the individual competition and two group dances where four pairs dance together at a time, competing against the other group of four. I’m very excited.

Laurie Hernandez

Laurie’s decade is the 1960s, and Val (her partner) starts talking prom. Immediately I’m like oh boy, here we go, Laurie’s never been to prom before, they’re definitely going to turn this into “the prom she never had.”

I am right.

“You’re supposed to go to prom during high school, but I don’t go to high school, I’m home-schooled,” Laurie says. “So I’ve never been to prom.”

I feel sad for her. Even though her life is infinitely cooler than the lives of most 16-year-olds, she’s still missing out on normal kid stuff, and normal kid stuff was kind of fun, if often excruciatingly awkward and painful. But it’s those formative experiences that what make us who we are, you know? No pain, no gain, as they say in #sports.

Laurie is now being asked some questions about the 1960s. She doesn’t know any of the answers, and Val is like, huh, maybe we should have you brush up on your history, and I’m like, dude, she won Olympic medals. We can’t all do everything.

Now they’re dressed up in prom clothes and Val is talking about the “magic moments” of prom and saying what an “awesome time” it is. I don’t know if I was just a Bad Teen or not but my prom wasn’t super transformative; we all suffered through the actual dance part and then got drunk in one of my friend’s basements while her mom pretended not to know what was going on. I woke up the next day and discovered I was using a dusty oriental rug as a blanket.

Anyway, Laurie’s dance is great. She is performing to One Fine Day by The Chiffons, which is a 10/10 song.

The Chiffons rule. Listen to them if you want to make your day suck less.

Laurie is adorable. This might be the best prom ever! Laurie shines when she’s doing fast numbers, as Tom told us on Facebook Live, and this one plays to her strengths. The judges are still being idiots and judging her on a curve that seems wildly unfair, but they give her and Val 34/40, which I guess isn’t terrible.

For some reason they ’60s theme now has them talking about bra burning during the post-dance interview with Erin Andrews and Laurie can’t stop giggling. Andrews calls her a cutie.

Ryan Locthe

Ryan’s partner Cheryl is like, look dude, I didn’t come back from a four-year hiatus from the show to dance with someone who’s going to get me kicked off in Week 7. You’ve got to STEP IT UP! And by step it up she means be sexier or pretend there’s any chemistry between him and her, because when Ryan has hit the floor in the past few episodes he’s looks more like an otter trying two-step than a human with legs who can dance with any sort of grace.

“Dancing with the Stars has really changed my life,” Ryan says. “And it got me out of that dark hole. The people here are like my family.”

Ryan.

Some friendly advice. I know that you are trying to rehab your image, but maybe you could ease up on some of the talking points because no one is buying this.

Now Ryan and Cheryl are practicing their rumba, and Ryan’s girlfriend — sorry, fiancé — Playboy model Kayla Rae Reid shows up, and they stand far apart from each other and she goes, “I think you’re sexy babe,” and Ryan says, “I’m the luckiest guy in the world!”

My roommate has sat down next to me at this point and he says, between bites of tortellini, “I wish I could take an over-under bet on that marriage lasting.” He might just be upset that I hijacked the television for two hours during Monday Night Football and so he is taking his frustration out on Ryan, but I can’t tell.

Now we’re on to the actual competition. Ryan’s hair is slicked back and he definitely looks sexier, but he isn’t really dancing sexier. I do like this song, though, which is Aerosmith’s Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.

“I DON’T WANNA CLOSE MY EEEEYYEEESS, I DON’T WANNA FALL ASLEEP CAUSE I’D MISS YOU BABBEEE AND I DON’T WANNA MISS A THIIIIIING,” is the karaoke translation.

Wow, the judges pan Ryan. They’re telling him that he wasn’t a sexy dancer. “I admire your pluck,” one of them says, which is like saying, “I love how hard you try,” to a third grader who isn’t great at youth soccer.

Ryan and Cheryl get 28/40. Erin Andrews asks him how he’ll recover from this, knowing he still has to dance more tonight, and he goes, “I’ve always had bad swims, and I had to forget about those swims and move on.”

Calvin Johnson

Calvin is like, you know what, we’ve been relying on lifts too much. And Lindsay, his partner, is like yeah, probably. So he knows his footwork really has to shine this week. They’re dancing to Good Golly Miss Molly by Little Richard and they have this amazing set with a red car for their 50s-themed jive.

(Wow, John Goodman is in this music video. I am here for this.)

Calvin ROCKS. I love Calvin. I also like Lindsay. She’s spunky. Calvin is a fantastic dancer and he’s better than ever tonight. The judges love the dance! This is great news! The crowd is going wild! One of the judges, maybe Martin Short (sorry, I mean Bruno The Judge, but c’mon, they look exactly the same) says, “you made it Calvanized!” Julianne Hough tells Calvin he has energy in his toes. He gets 36/40.

ABC/Eric McCandless

In other news, I have just realized there is a British dude who announces the scores. He’s like Ron Howard, the voice over guy in Arrested Development, but he only talks when the judges hold up scorecards. What a bizarre quirk.

James Hinchcliffe

James and Sharna are dancing a 1940s-themed jitterbug. Sharna wants to win the whole dang thing — she says that in eight seasons, she’s never won the Mirror Ball trophy (which is not called the Mirraball Trophy, as I originally thought), but people she’s talked to have said that she has a real chance with Hinch, and she’s feeling the pressure. The dance involves a lot of lifts, and Hinch is like, okay, cool, I’m a little nervous about this, but I’ll try. And then Sharna explains one of the lifts to him.

“The physics of that are mindblogging!” he exclaims. “I don’t even know what that means!”

I love this dude. I ride for Hinch. His personality is the best part about DWTS, and he’s also an incredible dancer.

For the competition, Hinch is dressed as a World War II soldier and Sharna is a pin-up girl. His footwork is impeccable and he really embodies the character — despite Sharna’s knee injury, for which she’s wearing a brace, they do really well because Hinch is able to improvise and help Sharna out when she falters a little bit. He’s very gracious afterwards when talking to the judges, saying that he’s lucky to have her as a partner.

The judges love the performance and tell him how wonderful he is. He gets the same score as Calvin, a 36/40. Team Hinch.

Group dances

Now for the group dances: We’ve got Team Past v. Team Future. Hinch is the captain of Team Past, while Laurie is the captain of Team Future. The women of Team Past are wearing these beautiful ballgowns and the men are in full-on prince suits. They dance to the theme of the TV show Outlander, which I only know because my other roommate has now replaced my first roommate in the seat next to me. The Viennese waltz Team Past does together is beautiful.

Marcia Brady (the actual human’s name is Maureen McCormick, but she played Marcia Brady, so I’m going to call her Marcia Brady), who is not an athlete, is the one really dragging this team down, though. I hope she gets kicked off.

The judges love it despite Marcia, and the team gets 38/40. This is helpful for the pairs who got lower marks in the individual part of the competition because it contributes to their overall scores.

Team Future is now dancing. They are wearing cool jackets.

They do a dance that’s like something out of The Hunger Games; the professional dancers say they want it to have an apocalyptic feeling. Terra Jole, who is the first little person to go on the show, is really sad because she feels like she’s holding her team back since she can’t take the same big steps they can. It’s very moving, and as I start to tear up, I look over at my roommate, who happens to look over at me, and I see that she, too, is crying.

Oh my god. Dancing with the Stars made me cry. This actually is the apocalypse.

Team Future’s dance is good, but not as good as Team Past’s, so they get 35/40.

Marcia Brady gets eliminated.

Key Takeaways:

I usually can’t tell if I think people are actually decent humans or not based on reality television, but I think that Hinch is actually a smart, charismatic, thoughtful, kind guy. He’s always talking about how other people deserve the credit for what he’s done on the dance floor and he’s very funny. He narrated the group practice in an Australian accent as though he were Steve Irwin giving voice to a nature film! That’s so silly and delightful! He’s a guy you’d want to grab a beer with.

I used to think Laurie was going to win but now I think Hinch is going to win, because he’s proved he’s good at the fast and slow dances, and she seems to be struggling with the slower ones.

All four athletes are still in the running. Not super surprising, though I am a little shocked that Ryan Lochte is still around. I wonder if the producers have anything to do with this in order to extend the amount of time he can try to get people to forget about what happened in Rio.

I’m glad Marcia Brady went home. She wouldn’t stop crying.

I don’t think people like Jana Kramer, the woman who was on One Tree Hill, very much. She’s a good dancer, but she’s not getting the populist votes.

Calvin Johnson’s smile just lights up the world.

Please join me next week as we keep rocketing off into space, aka American popular culture.