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The Hotter Palin: Christine O’Donnell is Presidentially Cute

OK, I give. The Palin cult were right. It doesn’t matter what someone knows or doesn’t know. All that matters is that they are like me, are super cute in a non-threatening way and they say things that make me feel good. To that end, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest to my new pals in the Tea Party that we start pushing Christine O’Donnell for President!

After all, Christine has never quit her job. She’s hotter than Palin, younger than Palin, and she puts the cute in cute. Plus, while she doesn’t know anything, at least she has no ethics violations under her belt. Sure, she’s using campaign funds to pay rent and that ain’t legal, but really, who cares? She hasn’t been busted yet, and even if she is, we can just lie and say she hasn’t been.

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Plus, I just dig the way she told Mike Castle to put on his “man pants”! Just like Palin saying Obama needs to get some “cojones” and that male journalists are “limp and impotent”. Oh, I love me some Mama Grizzlies using code to tear at the very skin of the good old boys club, emasculating them at every turn. I’ve waited so long….I just never thought it would be a beauty queen or a cheerleader who would do it.

But that shows you what I know. I used to think it took brains, but I’ve seen the light. I, too, want to be able to tell establishment Republicans that they are gutless limp wimps and best put their man pants on, but most of all, I want them to be so boxed in by their claims of feminism that they can’t even defend themselves from such attacks.

Terrible political operative (we’re emulatin’ Sarah) conservative radio host Dan Gaffney told the Weekly Standard:

“She has a shady history and we’re not talking ancient history. We’re talking current history, and she lies about it. You know, everyone is allowed to have financial difficulties. Everyone is allowed to take time to go to college. But misrepresenting yourself, lying about it, that’s what I have a problem with. I don’t understand why she has to lie about stuff she doesn’t have to lie about.”

Well, hello, Dan, um, put on your big boy pants and listen! Why tell the truth when lies work so much better? The Tea party doesn’t care about the truth anyway, loser! The truth is for wimps.

Oh, Christine, you might be a liar, an idiot and a cheat, but you are a girl after my own heart. Christine O’Donnell for President! And Sarah Palin thought she was gonna take this crown. No, Sarah, ya’ll need to move on over. Eve is in town and she’s got her eye on your prize, my dear. She can even out lie you, Sarah. Say it ain’t so.

Imagine the thrills after I watched Bill Maher on Larry King last night, who kindly reminded us of Christine O’Donnell on Politically Incorrect! I had to see my anti-masturbatory hero in action, so I googled her and found a few clips on YouTube where Christine chastises that liars should just be honest.

“You always have to talk about the truth,” she tells us. Do you always tell the truth? Some fool asks her. “Absolutely, I tell the truth,'” she lies with such perky cuteness that she makes Palin look obvious and desperate with all of her winky-winky can I call ya’ Joes Joe.

Well, she lied about lying, which is kinda Bill Clintonish, but she points out she wasn’t under oath. I think that makes it OK to lie, but tell others not to lie, right?

Christine lied about attending a master’s degree program at Princeton (yeah, but doesn’t that SOUND good? Gosh, I love her!) when she filed a millions of dollars sexual discrimination suit against a conservative think tank she worked for. I’m sure those good old boys weren’t expecting that kinda of grifting from the apple pie cutie!

Turns out she hadn’t yet graduated from college and she was being sued for non-payment of her tuition, but that’s a whole other matter and anyway, like I said, Princeton just sounds better.

“I never lied under oath” she says when explaining the Princeton masters degree lie regarding an undergrad audited class she wanted to take at Princeton. When asked to defend why she lied in her lawsuit, she claimed her political opponents were out to get her but never answered the question. Her campaign then said that she was under instructions to not speak about the lawsuit, and yet….

She had just given an interview where she did, indeed, talk about the lawsuit.

Then there was her accusation that Castle people were running around hiding in her bushes. An accusation she couldn’t prove as it turned out she had never called the police, but still, this is right up there with Palin’s accusation about her security being threatened after she fired her security detail. I just don’t think it serves us to get hung up on details and accuracy, when the narrative is so much better: Castle people are hiding in the bushes! They’re out to get me! Don’t look at the truth, look over here!! Gaffney piped in:

“If that’s true and she didn’t call the police, she’s not only endangering herself but her neighbors. She also likes to say there are people hiding in her bushes. It doesn’t sound stable when you add it all up.”

This just makes me mad because no one dares to question Palin when she says people are hiding out in her bushes. No one says she’s unstable! And Christine is cuter!

OK, maybe in hubris, she is equal to Palin, but again, Christine is cuter. Girl has campaign debt and unpaid income taxes, too, so she and Sarah have that whole shady tax thing common.

“I think the fact that I have struggled financially is what makes me so sympathetic,” O’Donnell said. Yes, indeed! I feel the sympathy. And honestly, with the people lurking in her bushes, she’s at least Palin paranoid adjacent. What she needs to do now is start a trust fund for people to donate so she can fight all of these accusations. Poor Christine! Who would pick on such a cutie pie?

Here’s the thing Christine needs to work on in order to win all the way to the presidency: She needs to learn to wink cuter.

There, I said it. On all other fronts, she has Palin beat. I mean, look at these two. Christine is the young Palin, the new Palin, the fresh Palin. A wink from Christine brings to mind all kinds of things she’s against, whereas with Palin, you’re wondering if she has something in her eye or she just forget the question. And Christine has never quit her job, so there’s that. Plus, she has real Tea Party values, other than her personal finances and her lack of a job, she’s all fiscal conservative whereas we all know Palin is a socialist.

Yes, as I am told constantly here by Palin fans, good looks are all it takes, so all aboard the Christine O’Donnell for President bus!