Least Masculine Society In Human History Decides Masculinity Is A Growing Threat

U.S.—As society becomes increasingly dominated by nerds, hipsters, and computer programmers, people have fixated on what they think is our biggest problem: masculinity.

“It’s just toxic and causes nothing but problems,” said Elisha Mcewen, a vegan activist and no threat whatsoever to spiders or tight jar lids. “I was sharing my feelings on masculinity with other men in my drum circle, and we all agreed that if we ever encountered masculinity, we would run far away.”

Masculinity is said to have in the past been the cause of such things as violence, war, bullying, defeating the Nazis, carving society out of untamed wilderness, and landing men on the moon, but now masculinity is being driven out of society to make sure nothing like those things ever happens again. However, there are reports that masculinity still lurks out there, which is a source of anxiety to modern men and causes them to have upset tummies.

“I am just so worried that somewhere out there someone is still knowingly producing testosterone,” said Wyatt Lockhart, a Twitch streamer who had never thrown a punch outside of a video game. “I constantly have to find a safe place to calm down just thinking about it.”

Duke Miller, a Marine sergeant and one of the few remaining examples of traditional masculinity, was asked about his feelings on the negative view of masculinity, but he seemed confused by the word “feelings” and then punched out an elk just because.

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