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WITH over 30,000 people descending on Dublin’s RDS for the Web Summit this week, it is very hard for you and your business idea to stand out. However, it’s next to impossible to stand out if you are hawking a particularly shite app.

For the tech visionary in need, WWN has provided 7 handy ways to sell an absolutely useless app at the Web Summit:

1) Talk the talk. You’re not a businessman anymore, in the Web Summit world you’re a visionary whose contribution to the ever expanding world of internet stuff is invaluable. You’re creative, innovative, you’re ‘tive’ at just about everything, don’t make the mistake of being modest.

2) Make sure to mention at every turn how your parents had to remortgage their home to fund your venture. This will obviously show the scale of your drive and ambition to potential investors, and what with many of them being billionaires they might get the cheque book out just to shut you the fuck up.

3) Innovate. Innovate. Innovate. Those successful tech wizard bastards are forever innovating. Queuing for a coffee? Why not innovate and ask them to pour the piping hot coffee directly down your gullet. Going for a piss? Have you ever tried sitting on the seat backwards? Or pissing on the floor because it’s that bit easier? That’s not bad manners or unhygienic, that’s innovation my friend!

4) Never stop talking. If you allow anyone at the Web Summit to interrupt you for even a second then you’re carefully constructed facade of being someone who actually knows what they’re talking about will collapse. Start a sentence and then never stop talking. You’ll sell that app in no time.

5) Bad mouth the competition. Well, technically they’re not the competition as they released their app years ago, and it’s far superior in every way but don’t let that put you off. Let everyone know how their CEO murdered a swan last night after going on a mad coke binge with a male prostitute called Vivienne. The more elaborate the better. If we’re being honest, you need to change the ‘swan’ to ‘several children’ if you want to get anywhere in this cut throat web world.

6) Stop sweating when talking to investors. Seriously, you’re drenching everyone around you. They’ve just asked a basic question about long term revenue stream options for your app, no biggy. Ah, Christ, you have your shirt soaked right through. We told you, you should never stop talking.

7) If all else fails and there seems to be next to no chance you’re obviously awful app and business will succeed amidst a field of superior business minds, there’s only one thing left to do. Carefully place an Apple logo sticker on an old Nokia 5210 and offer to sell it to a man in a check shirt and beard. Blinded by the Apple logo, the man should hand over several thousand euro without asking a single question.