I try to buy only all-natural beauty, skin and haircare products, all of which proudly tout that they’re “paraben free.” Therefore, I would never buy anything with a paraben in it because…they’re…bad? Huh, I guess I don’t know what these evil creatures that lurk in drugstore lotions even are. Here are my best guesses as to what the fuck a paraben even is.

Some kind of worm.

Bread.

…ranch?

Radiation.

Gel.

A small country in South America.

A small non-profit.

Germs.

Silicone.

Sugar.

A cancer-causing chemical.

A cancer-causing mineral.

A cancer-causing something else.

Cancer.

Whatever the opposite of makeup is.

8th grade.

A pair of guys named Ben haha you know I had to do it.

Non-organic dirt.

Cheese.