New Los Angeles Lakers forward LeBron James teamed up with the “Ellen” show and Channing Tatum to eventually raise $100,000 for his I Promise School by doing crazy dares, which what really matters here, even if it’s not what the bulk of this post is going to be about.

No, we’re here to talk about James taking no-handed shots, eating ice cream with hot sauce and dancing to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy.” Compared to James, Tatum got off pretty light, in my opinion, only having to sexy crawl and lick some peanut butter off his nose, but it’s all for a good cause.

But you didn’t come here for Magic Mike. You wanted to see LeBron. And boy are you going to see a side of him you’ve never seen before.

So, LeBron, you just signed for three years (and maybe four) with the Los Angeles Lakers, which is cool, but one of your fellow wing options is Lance Stephenson. Your thoughts?

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the question he was asked at all, but you can’t prove it without watching the full clip here.

Can we all let the record show that it took a mere month to get LeBron to transition from wine to tequila? I will neither confirm nor deny any reports of my impact on said evolution of alcoholic beverage choice.

As if the burn of tequila wasn’t enough, James then had to eat ice cream (cool!) with Tobasco on it (less cool!). Honest question: What kind of monster even thinks of this? And what’s worse: If someone wasn’t thinking about it (why would they?), you could absolutely mistake the red hot sauce for some kind of strawberry topping and boy would that suck.

This is the stuff of nightmares for a fat person such as myself.

As if that wasn’t enough, LeBron licked something that he initially thought was “a ass.” Fortunately, it was only a kiwi, but I still have questions that would have less than zero chance at making it through the editorial process about what led to that guess (Editor’s Note: This is correct), so it’s best if we just move on.

James’ appearance on the show also gave us this clip of him dancing with Ellen during a commercial break, so we’re all winners.

Who says that the Los Angeles media storm can’t be fun for LeBron? And he even got to raise money for his school while doing it. That’s what we call a “win-win” (except for the part where he had to eat hot sauce on ice cream. That probably sucked).