A MOVE THAT WOULD BE UNBEFITTING OF A 12-YEAR-OLD

Lord Ashley is a man who has twice employed Joe Kinnear, and not to clean the toilets at St James's Park but to have an actual say on football matters at Newcastle United, and as such, you would think that he doesn't care what other people think of him. Well, you'd be wrong, for his lordship is a sensitive flower and he cares very much about all the criticism aimed at him by all those meanies and haters, especially after all he's done for his own ego and Sports Dir … wait! For Newcastle! After everything he's done for Newcastle United Football Club. Harrumph! It's just so unfair. Sure, he twice hired Joe Kinnear, made Kevin Keegan cry, oversaw a relegation, tried to rename the ground the Sports Direct Arena, tried to turn the ground into a branch of Sports Direct, refused to sign any players permanently in the summer, made friends with Wonga and tried to make players do shifts in Sports Direct on their days off but that was all for the benefit of his own ego and Sports Dir … dammit! Done it again! Newcastle! It was all for the benefit of Newcastle United Football Club.

And how do these ingrates repay their dear leader for his benevolence? The Newcastle fans group, Time4Change, stage a march before last week's match against Liverpool and call for Lord Ashley to leave – the bare-faced cheek of it, not least because the mere thought of Lord Ashley should make any sane human being go weak at the knees. But instead – and this is where it gets really bad, readers – then the media goes off-message and covers the march. Honestly, the nerve. Well, this won't do and it emerged over the weekend that Lord Ashley, the paranoid travesty, has gone and banned three local papers from covering Newcastle's matches and entering the club's training ground, before sending the offending journalists for re-education at one of his dedicated Sports Direct camps. They'll soon learn.

Some have condemned the move as a reaction that would be unbefitting of a 12-year-old. The Fiver, though, has no desire to receive a knock on the door from hired goons in the middle of the night and would instead like to take this opportunity to congratulate Ashley on his blinding magnificence, inquire as to whether he has been working out recently, shine Joe Kinnear's shoes and condemn media lies that claimed a wretched, lifeless, insipid, talentless Newcastle contrived to lose 2-1 to Sunderland on Sunday. Instead let us all hail Newcastle's 27-0 victory over Manchester City in tonight's Rumbelows Cup tie. Although kick-off might be delayed because The Fiver's heard that construction is set to begin on a 50ft-high statue of Lord Ashley in the centre circle at St James's Park this evening. Really, it's the least he deserves.

• Follow Newcastle 1-3 Man City with Jacob Steinberg at 7.45pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I gave my jersey to Mourinho because he's the best coach in the world and I love him like a father" – Mesut Özil goes some way towards diluting Arsenal fans' sickening levels of fawning after him.

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Fun and games in South America: part 3,245.

BITS AND BOBS

Perhaps because he's bored of flogging underpants, David Beckham will pay the price of one Jordan Henderson to start up an MLS soccerball franchise in Miami.

In an effort to stop at least one high-profile Borussia Dortmund employee getting poached in the summer, Matt Berninger from the National-lookalike, Jürgen Klopp, has signed a new contract until 2018.

Officials in Qatar have removed the Zidane-headbutt statue after just a month on display due to protests from conservatives – the small-c type ones that is, not the Bullingdon Club ones.

Norwich's Robert Snodgrass has been released from hospital after suffering concussion-ouch in the 4-0 defeat to Manchester United.

Republic of Ireland suits are searching ancestry.com in the hope they can make Curtis Davies Irish before Mr Roy realises the Hull defender is actually quite good at football.

And Wigan have pressed their big red button labelled Operation 28-day Emergency Loan and signed Aston Villa's Marc Albrighton. "He's quick, dangerous and pleasing on the eye," phwoared Owen Coyle.

STILL WANT MORE?

Jonathan Wilson assesses the merits of Michel Platini's unwieldy 40-team World Cup plan. His findings: there aren't any.

The Rumour Mill is celebrating a landmark: we're exactly halfway through the latest closure of the transfer window. Almost exactly. And what have we learnt? Nothing.

Page 39 Stunnah Marina Hyde hat-tips Newcastle for keeping Lord Ferg's journalist-banning legacy alive, and Port Vale's chairman for trying to spell 'arrogance'.

Simon Burnton recounts the forgotten story of what was probably/definitely the harshest sacking in football history.

Plus: Does your heart need warming? Watch Pelé play the guitar with nippers at a music therapy centre in London's Kentish Town.

And did you know that Big Website has a football Facebook page? Well, you do now.

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