ARIES

“Next thing I knew, I woke up in…” Have you spoken these words lately? If so I would venture a guess that you are partying a tad too much. “Too much? Bah!” you scream at me, like an Ebenezer Scrooge. Well I am the ghost of summer future and the future moment I will whisk you to is just a short month from now when nothing you planned on doing is done and September catches you bleary-eyed and with your pants in the pool.

Strain recommendation: Fortune Cookies

TAURUS

I was awoken by a hefty thump-like crash from the street. Launching myself from my bed, I bounded to the window to catch a drunk driver emerge from his car to check the damage on the parked SUV he just mauled. He peered around, trying to make sense of his new world reality, had a moment of decision and then off he drove. After 911-ing his ass, I reflected on the power of that moment of choice he experienced. That flight instinct was battling him hard, I could see it from down the block in the dark of night. I couldn’t see his face but I saw that. You know that need-to-flee feeling, right? Don’t give in to it like that lil’ punk. Not this week at least.

Strain recommendation: Jet Fuel

GEMINI

A semi-interesting sociological experiment would be to see what could be gleaned of another person’s life by taking on their reccurring stress injuries. Imagine the insights you might find about for the writer with a jacked mouse elbow and aching wrist, the swollen knee of a postal worker or the blurred vision of a football player with too many concussions, if you lived with their pains for a week? What are your stress patterns and what would I learn about you from them? More importantly, are these the injuries you want to carry on throughout life, or is there a different pain you want to explore? This week would be a good time to experiment with some new blisters and spasms.

Strain recommendation: Hawaiian Snow

CANCER

If you haven’t slept next to a snorer you can’t understand the myriad of bizarre strategies people employ to summon sweet silence. If someone were to video our attempts we’d surely appear quite delusional; randomly clapping, grunting, mimicking, pushing our loved ones around like so much raw sewage in a garbage compactor, whistling, bucking… If only we could be as inventive when finding ways to sooth out inner irritants. Perhaps if you approached your emotional health with that same kind of determination you’d discover a previously unknown internal cachet of tactics capable of silencing even your noisiest of demons.

Strain recommendation: Black Cherry Soda

LEO

Your week ahead will not be smooth, and my soft selling it will only delay the inevitable. There will be white knuckling, tongue biting, and hair pulling. I foresee a moment akin to when my father would threaten to pull the car over if us kids didn’t finally shut up; that culmination of frustrations so intense you have to just stop everything immediately. Don’t hide from it, let the grumpy dad growl it out. Embrace the crappiness of it all, and enjoy some justified whining cuz soon sunny skies will shine for so long you’ll miss having a good old bitch session.

Strain recommendation: Lamb’s Bread

VIRGO

Do you remember when the United States of America invaded the sleepy Caribbean island of Grenada? That act was comparable to a giant bringing a gun to a knife fight with a kitten. Overkill to say the least, and their reasoning was as dodgy and political as ever. This week Virgos are taking on the role of the mighty USA, using their strength and power to scare the bejeezus out of the smaller, more timid nations in their extended friends circle. With great power comes… a bully, if you’re not careful. Keep your compassion flowing and be gentle whenever possible.

Strain recommendation: Romulan

LIBRA

My favorite band played my city tonight and I stayed home to work. A few great comedians played here recently, I didn’t see them either. And the festivals, fireworks, hot summer strolls in the park, outdoor cinemas, ice cream and public pools? Nope. Should I regret this boring adult behavior? Saving money, working hard, staying sober of mind and getting a good night’s sleep are not memories I’ll look back on fondly. A sense of purpose though, one that could propel me with renewed ambition and hope through the year to come, is developing. It’s the long game folks; that’s the one you gotta play with all your might.

Strain recommendation: Glass Slipper

SCORPIO

You are akin to Vice Magazine this week. Trendy, political, pushing the envelope and possibly a bit morally questionable. You too are developing a new reputation for being hardcore yet chill, while recovering from your old mean kid street cred when you used to poke fun at lame fashion and by being so regularly sarcastic that people weren’t sure if your voice just sounded that way. Ok cool kid, you’re getting it together on the surface, but how’re things between the pages? Have you really grown up or do you just have a slicker looking cover now?

Strain recommendation: Chocolate Kush

SAGITTARIUS

Have you seen E.T.? Well I think the spoiler statute of limitations has passed on it by now so I will make a direct reference to the ending. Remember when the flower that was connected to E.T.’s life force shriveled up and died… and then suddenly sprang back to life? That feeling, the joy and excitement that came from seeing life surge back with such force, is what you will experience this week if you keep your heart open to inspiration. Look for it, think on it, talk about it, welcome it. It is out there, ready to pounce into your body, and you don’t need to die under plastic tenting first to get at it.

Strain recommendation: East Coast Sour Diesel

CAPRICORN

If you were the kind of kid who didn’t want to plan their birthday party in the hopes that your nearest and dearest would throw you a surprise fiesta, then this week is for you. Any time spent wondering who your true friends were, or if you were well liked, will be proven to be wasted moments by the friends, new and old, now flocking to you like art school students to a free vernissage buffet. Feast on them, allow their love to fill your belly and take mental snapshots to refer to next time you feel a bit lonely or let down.

Strain recommendation: Sensi Star

AQUARIUS

You are Eeyore, with a carrot. Not just a donkey pursuing an unattainable veggie just out of grasp, but old Eeyore—Winnie’s sad and pooped friend, moaning and whining his way through life. It feels like you are trying to run on a treadmill set to stroll. The only way off is to give up, let yourself be carried off the back end and crumple in a pile of acceptance against the wall. Nothing wrong with re-evaluating your chosen path once you see the road ahead leads nowhere.

Strain recommendation: Dr. Grinspoon

PISCES

What is it about seeing a chef on TV just barely pull off preparing a meal within an hour that keeps so many viewers engaged? If you told someone in 1983 that watching people cook on a timer would outrate NBC, you’d be laughed at by someone with a Flock of Seagulls haircut. There’s a banal activity in your life right now that could end up becoming a valuable commodity to you later. Take a look at your daily skills and see if you can make them more exciting. If you don’t end up with a new vocation, at the very least you’ll have more fun this week.

Strain recommendation: Island Sweet Skunk