At the age of 14, Isabel purchased a webcam and joined an adult webcam site. Almost immediately, she became fixated on herself sexually. But it wasn’t until she turned 19 that she decided that she needed help. Here is her story.

KATHY K: How can I help you?

ISABEL: It’s very complicated, but I’m not able to have satisfying sexual relationships with my boyfriends.

KATHY K: You mean you don’t have orgasm with your boyfriends?

ISABEL: Oh no. There’s no problem there, it’s that having sex with another person is not my first choice.

KATHY K: Explain please.

ISABEL: It began when I was very young, about 14, when I got a webcam and began experimenting with web sex. You want to be as sexy as possible, so what you do is you set up your cam and then you dress in something sexy and then you practice stripping and arousing yourself — and you can see what you’re doing because the video is on the screen. What I think happened is that I somehow found it very sexy watching myself pretending to turn someone on but I was always looking myself, even when I was connected to another person.

KATHY K: You mean you got aroused watching yourself.

ISABEL: Yes, I would get excited watching myself get aroused and then have an orgasm.

KATHY K: And what about the person watching you?

ISABEL: I would watch them, mostly guys, and I love to watch a guy ejaculate but most of the time what really turned me on was watching myself. So when I began to go out with guys — a couple months after — we would have sex after I got to know them but I didn’t find the sex exciting. I couldn’t wait to be alone and go on-line and watch and pleasure myself. At first I didn’t think much about it, I just thought it something that happens and that it would pass once I met the right guy, and I did meet the right guy, but I still prefer Internet sex.

KATHY K: Do you orgasm with your boyfriend?

ISABEL: Most of the time; he loves performing orally and that really excites me.

KATHY K: Is there a difference in your masturbation orgasms than with your boyfriend.

ISABEL: Not really, but when I’m alone I can have lots of orgasms without feeling self-conscious about it. When I’m with my boyfriend, I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pleasure me so I can have multiple orgasms. I think what I like about Internet sex is the way it turns me on. It’s like I’m the person doing it.

KATHY K: What turns you on about your boyfriend?

ISABEL: He’s really good looking and he has a nice body, but I never fantasize about masturbating watching him; but I always fantasize about watching myself turn myself on. I don’t know if that makes much sense to you.

KATHY K: Based on what you’ve told me, it sounds like at a very critical age in the development of your sexuality you became imprinted on yourself. That’s what happens in a sexual fetish. If a boy has his first orgasm while he’s playing with his foot or against the foot of someone he’s playing with, he will always associate sexual pleasure with the foot, or it could be any object. In your case, your early orgasms came about watching yourself. Most people in that situation and at that age become turned on by the person they are involved with mentally and physically. But in your case, it was yourself. They say the same happens with young dancers who are training for the ballet. They are dressed in very tight, body hugging leggings and they have to look in the mirror when they practice so they can see their mistakes. But what often happens is while they are practicing they are coming of age sexually and if they should get excited at this stage of their development, the person they see is themselves — and of course their gender. So even someone born heterosexual can become imprinted in his or her gender in this manner. Are you following me?

ISABEL: Yes, but it sounds like because it happened at a critical age there’s not much you can do about it.

KATHY K: In my experience, that is very true. But there are things you can do. First of all, you can separate your sexual selves: one you reserve for your boyfriend, and the other for your fantasy life. To a certain extent we all do that. All of us who are in relationships have sexual fantasies with other people and in other situations; some of us use these fantasies for masturbation, which is OK in a relationship so long as it doesn’t affect your primary relationship. So this is another point. Since your relationship with your boyfriend is important, this should be your first priority: not your second.

ISABEL: But if I make my sex life with my boyfriend a priority I’m going to start thinking of it like an obligation, something to get out of the way so I can masturbate in my fantasy life.

KATHY K: That’s fair enough but there is something you can do to prioritize your sex life with your boyfriend, but it won’t be easy. If you were to suddenly decide to stop engaging in Internet masturbation, what do you think would happen?

ISABEL: I would probably end up having a lot more sex with my boyfriend.

KATHY K: Exactly. If you knew that the only way you could relieve yourself sexually would be with your boyfriend, you would look forward to your sexual encounters because there wouldn’t be any other choice.

ISABEL: But that’s asking a lot of myself. I’ve been doing Internet masturbation for 5 years. It would be really difficult to stop.

KATHY K: That’s true. It’s a form of addiction that you are dealing with, much like drug and alcohol addiction, but there are people who are able to overcome their addictions and you could be one of them. And the good news is that in your case, there’s a reward at the end of swearing off Internet sex, and that is real sex. When an alcoholic or drug addict stops, there’s is no reward: it’s the end of getting high, possibly for a life time. In your case, your reward is an orgasm, whenever you want provided your boyfriend is willing. This is something you should think about. I’ve had patients in similar situations as yourself and they have been able to make the transition, and they unanimously report that it’s much easier than they would have imagined because it’s not like you are being asked to give up sex.

ISABEL: OK then. I will think about and try to follow your advice.

KATHY K: I’m going to assume you will at a minimum attempt to wean yourself from Internet sex. And when you get serious about it, I want you to begin to write down your feelings. I want know what it was like the first day you decided not to engage in Internet sex. What you did instead, how you related to your boyfriend. I want you to log your feelings about this everyday, and then make an appointment to see me in a month, even if you relapse. How does that sound?

ISABEL: It sounds good. At least I think I’m beginning to understand what happened to me — about the imprinting thing you explained — and this I hope will help me get passed this stage., and that there is light at the end of the tunnel — .

KATHY K: Not only light but orgasms with your boyfriend.

POSTSCRIPT

After several setbacks, Isabel reports that she finally went an entire month without pleasuring herself while observing herself live on the Internet. However, she confesses that she still fantasizes about it in her mind recalling what she ‘used to do on line’ and becomes aroused to the point of orgasm. She correctly feels that she is not cured, that there is no real difference if the arousal takes place in the mind or through the medium of video. This speaks to the very real problem of sexual imprinting, much like alcoholics and drug addicts are able to free their bodies from the drug but not their minds, which is why reformed alcoholics are considered alcoholics for life. It could very well be that Isabel will be sexually imprinted on herself for life, and that the best one can hope for is that she will be able to find a happy medium between her imprinting and her real life sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Hers is a cautionary tale, that there are always consequences to one’s actions, and that young people now growing up with the Internet should be made aware by both parents and educators of the dangers of engaging in an unrestricted Internet sex.