Emailed to humptrain@gmail.com

My girlfriend and I have really amazing sex. We’ve been very adventurous in our sexual encounters. But when it comes to relationship type stuff, she seems to push me away. is there something wrong with me?

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“I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path”

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This quote, from French novelist Andre Gide, though perhaps a bit over-dramatic, embodies some of the sentiment of your predicament. It sounds like you have a healthy and active sex life which is an important part of a healthy relationship. However, sex is just one facet of any relationship, and it seems that you are desiring more from the relationship. I assume that when you say “relationship”, you mean the more intimate aspects of a relationship – displays of affection, the general sharing of feelings, cuddling, picking out the perfect backdrop for your Holiday photo, etc. Issues arise in relationships when the wants, needs and expectations of each partner are out of alignment. Partners can either communicate their wants and needs in the relationship, or not, potentially bottling those feelings deep inside, brewing resentment for one another, which is never a good thing. Have you talked to your girlfriend about this?

Being in a relationship means opening yourself to a myriad of emotions and feelings, some wonderful and beautiful, others painful, usually requiring one to listen to Kelly Clarkson songs on repeat to move past them … not that I’m speaking from personal experience. Some people are more guarded and perhaps need more time and patience on your part to slowly build the relationship and the intimacy between the two of you. Start slow, with simple gestures showing that you want to get closer to them without the pressure of making it happen all at once. If she still rebukes your advances for closeness maybe then ask, “is there something going on because it seems that every time that I try to get close you push me away?”. Open the space for your girlfriend to express how she feels. It might be painful, it might not be what you want to hear, but it’s important to know the truth. Your girlfriend might have different wants in the relationship; she might be happy with a purely sexual relationship. If that’s the case, then you ask yourself, do I want something more?

There is something else to consider; one of our strongest sexual organs is our nose; certain smells we can find intoxicating, entrancing and enticing– the scent of cologne/perfume or the aroma of rose petals spread across the bedroom can be a powerful aphrodisiac. On the flip side of that, scents can also be over-powering and have the potential turn our partner off – such as bad breath, a pungent cologne/perfume, or the noxious fumes that result after not showering for days. Some people have a more acute sense of smell – be cognizant of your various odors. I am not making any assumptions about your personal hygiene habits, but I just wanted to cover all the bases.

Hope this helps

Christopher Daniels

UPDATE: We also received this question in our inbox on the same day:

Girl (18):

So, my boyfriend’s really clingy. He’s always on me and it’s kind of annoying. I love him, I really do, but when I tell him to get off of me, he takes it as a sign that I don’t like him. What do i do?