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I've lived a fairly exciting life (I once saw a dog that thought he was people!), but I've never accidentally had sex with anyone. I don't even know how I could, and Johnson managed to do it a whole bunch and still found time to be president.

He used his giant presidential wiener for the things you'd assume he'd use it (peeing, indiscriminate and accidental sex), but also some surprising things as well. According to biographer Robert Dallek, at one point during his presidency, Johnson met with a reporter who repeatedly asked him why American troops were in Vietnam. Frustrated, Johnson unzipped his pants, pulled out his "substantial organ" and shouted "This is why!" The craziest part of this story, which itself is nothing but pure, poop-eating crazy, is that it worked. That answer satisfied the reporter, like "Oh, yeah, when you put it that way, sure. Of course we're in Vietnam -- look at that dick. We should be in all countries. I'd be starting a war on space if I had a dick like yours. Come on, now."

Interim Archives / Getty

"You men are the lube that protects me from friction burns."

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I don't have any more functioning segues, but I have more ridiculous dong stories, so I'm just going to gracelessly move from one to another. Johnson was so sure of his genitaliac superiority that he would invite other world leaders to the White House pool to go skinny dipping before they started diplomatic relations. This was an attempt to "establish genital dominance." He wanted every other leader he was dealing with to know that he was the man in charge. LBJ was the alpha, proudly wielding his dick with the focus and precision of a surgeon.