A/N: I only regret that this fic can only have 9 chapters in it

Chapter 2: The useless angst chapter that always portrays Elsa as being a lesbian who can't forge meaningful relationships with men, or with women that are emotionally stable.

Elsa sighed, hefting the stack of papers in her hand, and balancing a glass of cheap red wine in the other. She plopped down on her run-down sofa that she picked up at Ikea on sale for the ungodly price of $59.98 plus assembly fees, and took a look at the first paper.

Damn, I probably shouldn't be grading these on an empty stomach.

The first paper made Elsa really question her faith in humanity.

1. How does soap clean?

And the answer, from Hans Westerguard, no less: Scrubin bubls

Elsa didn't even want to know how her own class had homework that was completed before the first day, especially when it wasn't a [redacted] class. Anna's paper wasn't much better.

5. Is it possible to turn gold into lead?

If your rich enoughs ure.

So, Elsa did the one thing that she could think to do—She called her ex-girlfriend, Meg [Of Vaguely Greek Origin], and proceeded to have the single most illegal conversation of her teaching career.

"Hi, Meg, sorry to bother you, but I was going over these Chemistry papers and you wouldn't believe—Oh, that's nice, did you tell Herc to jack off somewhere? Anyways, I met my kid sister as she was trying to hit on me—Meg! Why the fuck would I take pictures of something like that? She's my sister!—and I just got through grading her paper, and—calm down, what do you mean you just got out of jail? Didn't I tell you to stay away from Herc? He killed his last wife and children, after all, even if the law calls it vehicular manslaughter—Seriously, Meg! Anna put down that you write a hydroxide molecule as HO, HO, HO—No, not you, I'm speaking in second tense!—Whatever, she's diagnosed with developmental dyspraxia, but that's a load of nonsense from what I've seen of her in class—Don't chide me on being a medical doctor, but that little [redacted] is perfectly healthy—Wait, what? Why the [redacted] would I come over to meet your family for supper tonight? You live over three thousand miles away, and I've got work tomorrow. No, I am not going to call into work just so we can [redacted]. Oh, go rot in jail for all I care. [Redacted] you, and [redacted]."

Elsa then gave every student in her class a random grade, using a bell curve and handwriting neatness as the only criteria, which gave Ariel [Do Mermaids even have surnames?] the highest grade in the class, even though her answer to every question was "Fluffy Bunnies" and "My father has more money than your father." Following this, Elsa drank the rest of her bottle of wine, chased it with a handle of 190-proof Everclear, smoked two joints, took half a bottle of sleeping pills, and went to bed.

The next day in Chemistry, Anna waited patiently for the other Arendelle sister to show up, although instead of halting her incestuous lesbian pursuit, she upped her game, wearing the sluttiest clothes she could possibly find and still be in dress code. That's right, that [redacted] Principal Weselton liked to enforce dress code, and ignore other issues, like confidentiality and bullying.

This next paragraph is supposed to be a long and detailed description of Anna dressing like a prostitute. However, the author has absolutely no energy to describe the exact shade of coral her tank top was, or how tightly woven her fishnet stockings were, or the [redacted] height of her high heel shoes.

Just as the bell rang, Elsa stumbled into classroom, clutching onto the homework papers as if her life depended on it. She wore dark sunglasses as well as a wide-brimmed black hat, threw the papers at Anna, and told the class firmly, "Shit down and shut [redacted] up."

This statement, of course, caused a few snickers from the class.

"I'm [redacted] warning you, I'll [redacted] you up if you don't shut up," Elsa yelled again.

Anna raised her hand.

"What is it, you carpet-munching incestuous hooker?" Elsa growled.

"Ms. A—I can call you Ms. A, right?—Are you high?"

"Detention, Arendelle. Detention for the rest of the [redacted] month."

Elsa nursed her hangover the rest of the day, while Anna had small, gossipy talk with her friends that does nothing for the story other than to add length, because the Real Sign of a True Fanfiction is meeting a certain number of words per paragraph.

Anna returned to Elsa's room after school, and sat down on her desk, because they were like, totally gonna screw if Anna had anything to say about it, oh my gosh.

Elsa took one look at the preppy, slutty girl and spat, "What is wrong with you?"

Anna shrugged. "I've been emotionally neglected my entire life, and I'm desperate for affection from anyone. Also, my father beats me and my mother videotapes the whole thing, and I just want to kill myself."

Elsa groaned. "You shouldn't be joking about things like that."

[PSA: If this had been real life and Anna had confessed this to anyone with an educator's certificate, that person (Elsa, in this case) would have had 48 hours to report the incident to protective services, or risk losing their certificate. Then again, if this had been real life and occurred in the state of the author's residence, Elsa would eventually be going to jail for engaging in a sexual relationship with a student, regardless of age. It's a 2nd degree felony here for an educator to do a student, even if the student is legal, unrelated, and consenting. Furthermore, if Elsa had shown up to work like this, eventually the district would "convince" Elsa to resign in the middle of the year, forcing her to lose her job before she could commit a felony.]

Anna laughed. "At least this is the point where I take a serious issue, like depression, and try to trivialize it into either being suicidal, or just plain emo. It's like the authors of these things haven't ever been around someone who's depressed and doesn't realize it."

"Oh, just sit down and start writing your [redacted] apology so that we can go home."

"…Together?"

"No, Anna. I'm having dinner with your family on Saturday, and not a day before then."

"Okay. Well, I'll just have to go home to an abusive situation and you get to go back to your place and do all your fancy schmancy drugs. Can I have some?"

"No, Anna."

"Please?"

"Just say no to drugs, Anna."

"You're a [redacted] hypocrite."

"You have detention."

"Doesn't change that you're not a hypocrite, and you know I'm right."

Peturbed, Elsa gave Anna the end-of-course exam that wouldn't actually be completed until a day before she had to run off copies and told her to do it.

Fifteen minutes later…

"I'm done, Ms. A!"

And sure enough, when Elsa checked Anna's homework, everything was completely correct. Elsa bit her lip and rolled her eyes. "How'd you cheat on this?"

Anna giggled. "I'll never tell. A Lady never reveals her secrets."

"…Pretty sure that's a hooker that never reveals her [redacted]. So, what'd you do? Steal this before detention today and memorized the whole thing?"

"No, I prayed to Odin, and He Delivered."

A crackling sound over the PA interrupted Elsa's floundering interrogation. "Anna Arendelle, please report to the main office immediately. Anna Arendelle, to the main office immediately."