“Equalities minister comes out against conversion therapy” shouldn’t be headline news. But in 2018, it is. The biggest ever survey of the UK’s LGBT community revealed that 2% of respondents had been subjected to such processes, and 5% had been offered them. Recoiling from the idea of “corrective rape” – one of the most extreme of the conversion interventions – Penny Mordaunt, the equalities minister, told the BBC’s Today programme: “It’s absolutely right that that abhorrent practice has to go.”

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Absolutely right. But banning conversion therapy is confusing cause and effect: it is simply the most extreme and obvious effect of homophobia. It’s also an easy win, like banning the use of kittens as footballs. The abhorrent practice that has to go is homophobia. But “Minister recognises insidious nature of prejudice and attempts to unpick centuries of ingrained hate” makes a less snappy headline.

Buried within this long-overdue survey is a more startling, and depressing, figure: more than two-thirds of respondents said they had avoided holding hands in public with a same-sex partner. Startling, because it’s only two-thirds; depressing, because it just is.

I’d love to know where the other third lives so I can move there. And I live in Brighton. Every queer person performs survival maths every time they step out of the house. The formula is beaten into you. Here it is: count the people around you, then multiply risk based on the number of straight men/football shirts/drunks, then consider how fast you can run. Then hold hands. Or not.

Certain days and times are more dangerous than others – it was a Saturday night when a gang of teenagers chased me right to my front door, which they then tried to kick in. But it was barely Antiques Roadshow time on the Sunday evening my husband was punched in the head so hard he was thrown across a parked car.

Denying yourself a small, everyday act of love every single day adds up to a lifetime of harm. It’s death by a thousand cuts that blames the victim for seeking attention or making a statement. Endlessly doing the “Will we be safe?” calculation steals energy - like a computer whirring slowly because of some hidden virus. The conversion therapist is in your head.

Right now, police forces across the country are preparing for a rise in domestic violence linked to England’s World Cup performance. A study by Lancaster University, published in the Journal of Research in Crime and Delinquency, found instances of domestic violence rose 38% when England lost, and 26% when they won or drew. Some women are cheering for their lives. There’s no research yet into homophobic violence at World Cup time, but you can feel it on the streets. LGBT hate incidents were experienced by 40% of respondents to the government survey, with over 90% of the most serious offences going unreported.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Penny Mordaunt, the equalities minister. ‘Banning conversion therapy is the showy top line of her 75-point LGBT action plan.’ Photograph: Tolga Akmen/AFP/Getty Images

Theresa May has said that nobody “should ever to have to hide who they are”. This is the same woman who voted against equalising the age of consent; who voted against allowing LGBT couples to adopt; and whose first act as home secretary, in 2010, was to make sure public bodies did not have to actively try to reduce inequality. Yes, she’s since approved civil partnerships and equal marriage. And yes, she’s laying out the vol-au-vents for another rainbow reception at Downing Street. But she seems to specialise in creating hostile environments then bemoaning the results.

Banning conversion therapy is the showy top line of Mordaunt’s 75-point LGBT action plan. It’s a welcome step in the right direction. But only £4.5m has been allocated to the whole thing. This is classic pink-washing. Look at this terrible thing we’re banning! Be grateful! Don’t look at what we’re doing or not doing for LGBT people every single day. I’m sick of feeling grateful. We must be as watchful of our politicians as we are of those beery bigots cheering in the street. They’re just as dangerous.

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A real action plan would tackle homophobia at the root, in health and education. It would make PrEP HIV drugs available to everyone today – one pill a day, proved to save lives and money by dramatically reducing HIV infection. The Scottish government has rolled it out nationwide; Theresa May refuses to.

Amanda Spielman, the chief inspector of schools in England, said some faith schools run by religious conservatives were “deliberately resisting” British values and equalities law. If May’s faith truly is the personal matter she insists it is, she’ll have no problem immediately secularising all state schools. Every pupil should be safe in a system that prioritises the rational over the supernatural, and love over hate.

But any such plan is impossible for as long as this government is propped up by the DUP, the only party in Northern Ireland against equal marriage for all.

Holding hands is a small act. It’s not essential. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t think twice about it or notice it. You’re not really going to get killed for doing it. Are you?

• Damian Barr is an author and playwright