VINELAND, NJ—Saying that he doesn’t function properly unless he’s completely jittery and suffering from nausea, local claims adjuster Spencer Howell told reporters Monday that he’s not his normal self until he has too many cups of coffee and feels like he could die at any second. “I’m totally useless in the morning before I’ve downed five or six cups of coffee, my forehead is drenched in sweat, and my internal organs feel like they are starting to disintegrate,” said Howell, adding that only when he’s consumed enough coffee so that his heart is pounding and at least one eyelid is twitching does he feel like he’s operating at 100 percent. “I don’t know how people who don’t consume an entire pot of coffee by themselves and begin suffering full-body tremors do it. I’m just not me until I’m plagued by painful acid reflux, excruciating headaches, and persistent concerns that I should call an ambulance immediately.” Howell also told reporters that he often has trouble socializing with his coworkers outside the office unless he drinks enough whiskey to black out for the entire night.

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