It's a strange feeling to have argued for something for 20 years, to have prayed silently that this moment might come (I'm an atheist, but no one else in high authority has listened). Now that it has, I feel shattered.

So what do survivors want this week? It's a question we are often asked: What are you after?

There are 3,000 survivors from Leppings Lane, and on Wednesday many of them will wake up in a more confused state than the bereaved – because those who lost loved ones at Hillsborough have been demanding answers to the same questions since April 1989. They know what they want to know.

As a survivor, I know plenty, but I am still trying to make sense of some of it. I know that people died within feet of me, crushed slowly, agonisingly, over the course of half an hour. Above all, I want a detailed explanation for this: Why were South Yorkshire police so indifferent to the sound of hundreds of people screaming for their lives? I still struggle with this.

I'd like to know who urged Kelvin MacKenzie to splash "The Truth" on the Sun's front page, above allegations about survivors urinating on the police, beating up ambulance staff, and stealing from the dead. Who authored this twisted fantasy?

If there is one thing I do not want to see, it is the statement I gave to West Midlands police, because it is not a full account of my experience at Hillsborough. It is a stark reminder that at 19, I was in the early stages of deep post-traumatic stress disorder. In the six weeks before the police knocked on my door, my memories of the crush and of the carnage in the gym, where the injured were traken, had become so distressing they were putting my sanity at risk. A month after surviving, I could no longer accept the truth of much of what I had seen, for fear that I couldn't live with it. My statement is my trauma, in all its patchy incoherence. Do I want that put into the public domain? No. But there must be maximum disclosure this week, so I will live with it.

However, I would like to know why it was the West Midlands Police who took my statement, and assisted Lord Justice Taylor with his inquiry: because in 1989 they were the most notorious force in Britain. So infamous, in fact, that a few months after Taylor reported on Hillsborough, its Serious Crime Squad was disbanded; it remains a byword for police corruption to this day. And how was it that Stanley Beechey – a former head of that squad – came to be dispatched to the coroner's inquests into the Hillsborough dead, whereupon he took a key advisory role? Hands up who thought that was a good idea.

I'm not handing over a demand for a specific "verdict" this week – there is no prescription, because there is no cure. I hope only that the myths surrounding Hillsborough are finally exposed. And I hope that after this week, Liverpool fans arriving at certain grounds in England will no longer be met with a chorus of "You murdered your own". After 23 years, I hope that's not too much to ask.