In a joint press conference today House Majority Leader John Boehner, Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann, and a selection of tea party caucus members announced that they were introducing legislation today that would seek to list large corporations under the endangered species act.

“The American corporation is in trouble. Already they suffer under the highest corporate tax rate of any industrialized nation, sure many of them use tax loopholes to get out of paying any taxes at all, but the number on this paper I am holding is really high! If that wasn’t bad enough we have an EPA bent on keeping them from emitting lead, mercury, and green house gasses into our environment! I mean really how are we supposed to compete with places like China that have almost zero pollution controls. Combine that with unions who are more worried about the working conditions of their members than the bottom line and its clear that American Business is endangered!” Boehner states while wiping tears from his face.

“If its good enough for a couple wolves its good enough for American Industry! Once on the endangered species list American Corporations will no longer have to worry about things like taxes, labor laws, or where to dump its pollution. For too long we have bowed down to Kenyan socialism, its time we protect our Large corporations before its too late” Bachmann said.

The plan calls for the reduction of the corporate tax rate to 0%, making it illegal for works to unionize, putting a cap on worker pay, allowing the free dumping of any industrial byproduct, the declaration that physics is wrong in respect to global warming, and removing the limits on hours worked per week. It would also allow corporate leadership to legally purchase politicians, to form their own private armies, and to purchase land and declare it a sovereign corporate state outside the jurisdiction of the United States. Listing them as endangered species would also make it illegal for corporations to go out of business, mandating that the federal government give them as much money as needed to keep them in operation.

When asked about record corporate profits, the offshoring of jobs, deaths caused by pollution, global warming, the destruction of the middle class, and the largest gap between the rich and poor since the great depression, the Representatives replied:

“We don’t know what you are talking about, all the corporations who funded our campaigns say the opposite. Next question.”

When asked how they plan to convince the American public to support a plan that would be against their best interests both financially, medically, and environmentally, Boehner said:

“Oh we will just roll out something about gays or abortion, that always gets them distracted enough that we can do anything we want, plus we will just have Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh tell them its a good idea.” he paused then said “9-11, socialism, 9-11, 9-11, Kenya, freedom, tax cuts, 9-11.”