Captain Kirby's Proposal, Or Something

NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE All activity regarding SPC-001 is to be discontinued indefinitely. This file has been archived along with all prior SPC documentation.

A selection of SPC-001 armaments

Project #: SPC-001

Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: Use of SPC-001 has expedited pugilistic processes while reducing the danger posed to Center personnel during selachian engagement. This has lead to both increased operation success rates, at the cost of decreased morale. It presents a massive leap in Center capabilities, and has become integral to accomplishing the core mission of the Center.

Project Components: SPC-001 refers to a selection of homeopathic pugilistic armaments developed by Calico Solutions (founded by Dr. Andrew Tsega). These armaments are capable of pugilizing beyond the exterior of selachian entities, and apply a holistic smiting to the body, mind and soul.

All SPC-001 armanents are ordered through Calico Solutions; production is outsourced to facilities located near Palooka Leylines to ensure the components are unprocessed and raw. Employees are cleansed of malevolent energies through Henspire Yoga sessions held twice a day.

The use of SPC-001 has replaced the need for traditional pugilistic methods, as they both reduce risk to pugilists and have proven to be effective in the field.

Below is a table of developed SPC-001 armaments:

Name Description Use Cost Hygienic Aqua Bomb Concentrated dry pugilistic powder primed to effervesce upon contact with water. Molecular fist-shaped proteins deliver rapid strikes to all selachian surfaces they touch. Optimal for area-of-effect pugilizing. $6.00 per item Homeopathic Selachian Repellent A high-power spray canister containing water treated with Forced Ionic Stiff Tau neutrinos and herbal essences. Used in place of hand-to-hand combat to deliver hydrostatic forces through streams of "pugilistic water". The herbal essences have been found to cause confusion in targeted selachians, as well as emit a pleasing aroma. $8.00 per 30ml Selachian Warding Egg A 4 kg quartz egg which emits a pugilistic aura. Repulses selachian spirits, resulting in demoralization and reducing injury during engagement. $55.00 per item Essential Fish Oils Fluid high in omega-3 fatty acids and infused with Tyson-Ali thaumaturgic properties. Personnel are to be doused prior to engagements to increase spiritual and physical strength. $8.00 per 30ml Ergonomically Enhanced Water Purifier A small, plastic device that is powered via a wall outlet. Item is to be placed in any body of water containing selachian threats to decontaminate the liquid of all selachian auras, as well as increase Vitamin D content. $1,100.00 per item

Augmentation Summary 001.1: Below is the transcript from the Bodacious Assembly on the use of SPC-001.

B-2: You realize this homeopathic shit doesn't work right? Like, it's all made up. B-9: Are you saying Tsega is lying to us? B-2: No, I'm saying he hasn't been right since someone put shit in his drink at the New Year's Eve party. B-6: But he's got proof! B-2: Then where is it? You hang with him the most, you should know! B-6: Just gimme a— oh there it is. Finally responded to the text I sent an hour-and-a-goddamn-half ago. B-6 hands B-2 and B-9 his phone. B-9 starts a video. B-9: That's quite… wow. B-2: What's that noise they're making? B-6: Turns out sharks can squeal. B-9 gives the phone back. B-9: That's quite convincing evidence. B-2: I don't know. Doesn't feel right. B-6: What do you mean? This is obviously a safer alternative. B-2: But like, is that really punching? You can't feel the rough skin of a fin-fucker ripple against your fists when you're just spraying it with a hose. B-6: I'd rather that than get a chunk taken out of my arm. B-9: I'm inclined to agree. B-2: That's because you two work in the labs. You haven't been out in the waves in years! B-9: That doesn't make us any less bodacious. B-2: Depends on your definition. B-6: Either way, I'm calling a vote. B-2: Wait, what? B-6: Those in favor? I am. B-9: Aye. B-2: You can't call a vote when most the council isn't here yet! You know they arrive, like, thirty minutes late. B-6: Oh, you didn't get the email? B-2: No… B-6: The others all went to the Inter-Department Arm Wrestling Tournament. Said they'd abstain or whatever. B-2: Bastards! Left me out of the loop again. B-6: I see though we have majority. I guess the motion passes? B-2: Today fuckin' sucks. Vote Results: One voted against. Ten abstained. Two voted for.

Deployment Record 001.2: Below is a timeline of notable Center operations after the introduction of SPC-001 equipment.

Date Location Results 03/17/34 Selachian outpost in the Charles' River First field use of SPC-001. Swift eradication of threats from the area. Only casualty was suffered by a pugilist who refused to use SPC-001 armaments. 09/22/36 Selachian encampment off the coast of Maui Limited casualties. First reclamation of Hawaiian coastline territory since the Second High Tide War. 07/04/37 Major selachian population gathered in Miami After heavy losses, selachians retreated to the Atlantic. Center forces only suffered 13 casualties and 2 individuals captured with SPC-001 gear. 04/24/39 Great Barrier Reef stronghold. Moderate losses on both sides. Successfully captured the stronghold. 04/30/39 Gulf Of Mexico Patrol Route A Center unit was ambushed in transit to New Orleans. Due to the surprise, the selachians manage to engage the crew in hand-to-fin combat. The Center unit leader declared a retreat after sizable losses. 05/16/39 Captured Maui encampment A battery of selachian threats attacked the Center controlled encampment near Maui. Center personnel maintained control, although the encampment suffered heavy structural damage. 07/03/39 Porthcurno Beach Selachian forces claimed Porthcurno with little Center resistance. Loss considered insignificant due to year-round low temperatures rendering all beach activity less-than-stellar. 08/17/39 Atlantic Headquarters Center forces were effectively destroyed during the assault. 08/21/39 Captured Great Barrier Reef stronghold Selachian forces handily retook the stronghold. Surviving Center personnel reported issues using SPC-001. 08/29/39 San Francisco Center Division During the annual grill-out, selachians seized San Francisco. Center forces suffered heavy casualties. Four selachian entities were captured for testing purposes.

Experiment Log 001.3: Below is the experiment log to determine the cause and extent of SPC-001's ineffectiveness during the loss of San Francisco. All tests were conducted using selachians captured during the assault.

Experiment #: 1 Procedure: Dr. Palé applies Homeopathic Selachian Repellent on the subject. Results: Subject expressed minor annoyance before attempting to devour Palé's arm. No noticeable pugiliation. Palé reports that the subject's skin remained rough to the touch. Notes: I can't believe I got assigned to this. My tan lines are going to be all kinds of screwed up. Besides this is just confirming what we already know. They don't pay me enough for this shit. Also, I need to restrain the sharks better.

Experiment #: 2 Procedure: Dr. Palé uses a Hygenic Aqua Bomb on the subject. Results: Subject's skin remains rough, and intact. Notes: Weird, literally no response from the bomb. I swear it should have done something. Maybe this specimen's been trained? Or maybe it's got sharkroids or whatever. I'll need more tests.

Experiment #: 3 Procedure: Dr. Palé attempts to punch the subject while wearing a Selachian Warding Egg for protection. Results: Subject did not recoil away from Palé. The restraints allowed Palé to approach and continue the test. Subject did not react to pugilation. Notes: Fuck! It's skin was so rough that I think I broke something. God damn it! Maybe I'm out of shape. But I'll show that fin fucker. I'll show him.

Experiment #: 4 Procedure: Four trained Center field agents are to brutalize the subject. Results: Two agents suffered denticle-related injuries. No reaction from the subject. Notes: God, they've gone soft. Not too surprised since they replaced the gyms with storage area for the products, but still. I'll have to find some of the old guard.

Experiment #: 5 Procedure: B-2 is to pugilate the subject. Results: See BA Record 001.4 Notes: Tsega's so fucked.

BA Record 001.4: Below is a transcript of the Bodacious Assembly to formulate a response to the strengthening selachian forces.

B-10: Yo, Charlie, why the hell did you drag us out here? You know it was Hawaiian shirt day, and I love any excuse to pour me some rum and coke. B-6: I don't know what this could be about. We've been in the process of strengthening SPC-001 to deal with the growing selachian threat. Dr. Tsega's group should have a new batch of products ready for us any time now. B-2: Well sunshine, I'm afraid I had to call this meeting because your little project had a few… consequences. I got one of my teams to look into how the enemy has grown so much stronger. I'd like to show you all a video. [eyes B-6] And I brought a projector. B-2 begins to play the video recording of Experiment 5. B-5: What're you doing in the test chamber? B-2: So, since most of our men haven't properly pumped in fucking years, I had to show this fin-fucker what a classic one-two punch feels like. Forty-three minutes pass. B-3: Damn, that's one tough shark. B-2: Oh, it's not tough. It's immune. Palé took some samples and compared it to some old shark tissue we had. It's like five time tougher. At least. B-6: Great! We'll make the next round of solutions five times stronger. I'll send the order information to Tsega and— B-2: That's not all, six. You know when you inject a little bit of a virus and your immune system learns to get over it? B-5: Wait are you— B-2: Remember when they got a hold of some SPC-001 stuff? B-3: No fucking way. B-2: Palé told me its possible. A pugilation vaccine. Silence. B-2: Yeah, you can all thank Six and her associates for that. B-6: Hey! It's not like we knew it would do this! B-2: You still got all the soldiers into using it. Your "holistic solutions" emptied the gym! Our boys turned soft because of your shit. B-5: We'll discuss Six's actions later. B-3: Yeah, for now we need to figure out something else. Like uh… I don't know man. B-2: Don't worry. I suggest you keep watching the video. B-3: I mean, you just look really frustrated. B-2: I was. I was pissed. Like I just wanted to— The shark in the video explodes. The room gasps. B-5: Genius. Absolutely genius Charlie. B-3: I need to get my boys a new training regimen! B-2: We need to get the whole Center behind this if we're going to fight back. B-6: But we've been punching since the beginning! We can't just change that! B-12: I'm going to have to refit the entire gym. B-5: Oh shut up. It's all your fault we're here in the first place. You don't get to complain. Now we got some exercising to do! B-2: Wait, before you all go off. I want to begin a vote to ban the use of SPC-001, or any variants. Cut off Tsega's big buyer. B-10: Good move. Let's vote! And then I'm going back to my goddamn Hawaiian shirt day. Vote Results: One voted against. One abstained. Eleven voted to "fuck Tsega"

Following this vote, all active Fitness Centers replaced all weight benches, pulldown machines, and dumbbells with exercise bikes and leg curl machines. Morning regimens were adjusted to replace all yoga routines with 10km marathons.

Memo For All SPC Personnel: