SCP-5280-J

Item #: SCP-5280-J

Object Class: Euclid-ubique

Special Containment Procedures: Subjects found using SCP-5280-J are primarily located in the United States, Liberia, and (to a lesser extent) the United Kingdom and its commonwealths; these areas collectively comprise SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. While this area is inherently nonsensical, it has been deemed safe for habitation by civilians and personnel. Instances of SCP-5280-J have been located outside of containment in the past; however, these instances are not considered likely to spread SCP-5280-J due to its inferiority.

Containment of SCP-5280-J is focused on attempting to eliminate its use on a case-by-case basis; administration of Procedure 101010 ("Dope Slaps") to subjects attempting to use SCP-5280-J is currently the most effective method of treatment. Repeated application of this procedure has been effective in curing subjects of habitual SCP-5280-J use in most cases; however, subjects raised in SCP-5280-J's primary containment area are, under most circumstances, incurable outside of scientific, technical, or otherwise professional contexts.

Description: SCP-5280-J is a contagious meme that is comprised of several closely related sets of units that, theoretically, are capable of being used to express length, area, capacity, and mass. However, experimentation has shown it to be highly impractical for these purposes. While the basic units of measurements for length and mass are not inherently irrational, conversions between different units of the same quantity is unnecessarily difficult due to the apparently random conversion factors involved. As of yet, SCP-5280-J has resisted all attempts at eradication. This is believed to be an inherent anomalous property compounded by the extent to which it had spread prior to classification.

SCP-5280-J had displayed several additional behaviors that the Foundation has deemed to be of concern, most notably:

Actually being used by hundreds of millions of people. This is believed to be an effect inherent in the culture of SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. Personnel are encouraged to adjust their opinions of said cultures accordingly.

Appearing on measurement devices that are created in or are for sale in SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. While it typically appears alongside conventional metric units, some items, which are collectively designated SCP-5280-J-2, have been located which are labeled only in SCP-5280-J. No purpose for these items has been found, and all have been donated to Site 43's shooting range.

Appearance on reports submitted by recently recruited Foundation recruits. While this is easily corrected, repeated occurrence of an anomalous item affecting staff members is nonetheless cause for concern. Several staff members have individually claimed to make it their mission to correct all instances of SCP-5280-J found in official Foundation documents. Personnel are discouraged from alerting said staff as to the futility of their endeavors.

Addendum: Further research has discovered several additional properties that have been deemed of note:

SCP-5280-J has a unit of length called a "furlong". Further investigation into how this was allowed to happen is required.

Subjects found using SCP-5280-J sometimes claim that it is superior to the metric system. Procedure 1231760 ("Facepalms") has been deemed an appropriate response to this behavior.

A request to upgrade SCP-5280-J to Keter has been denied due to the fact that SCP-5280-J is just a mildly annoying and irrational way of doing things that people take far too seriously.