As a report reveals that women are more likely to conceive if their partner is younger, one 29-year-old explains why he is drawn to older women

I did not make a conscious decision to go out with an older woman. She looked younger than 39.

We met in March at a social gathering organised by an online international network. We had a spirited debate about the results of a US survey about poverty and the economic system. We whiled away several hours in passionate argument. However, that was it. We did not exchange phone numbers and did not meet again for months.

It seems odd now that this went nowhere, given that I was attracted to her and there was a spark. I think both of us thought the other person wasn’t interested.

When I signed up for another event, she sent me an email saying it would be nice to meet again. I was impressed by her initiative and confidence and sought her out. This time, I really noticed her and she noticed me. Or perhaps she noticed me noticing her. It seems embarrassing now, but I think I barely left her side all night. She noticed that, too. Anyway, we again parted without swapping numbers (I wonder now if I was meant to have taken the lead).

However, the next day, during my designated thinking time (walking my golden retriever), I decided to ask her out using the Meetup email. And the rest is history, or will be.

In fact, it is my second relationship with an older woman, as my last girlfriend was 42. So it is true I do find older women quite attractive, certainly into their 40s, and that seems to surprise some of my friends. But then I do find 21-year-olds attractive too, so it is not something I have fetishised.

Men my age seem to have an ideal age range of between 20 and 33, but for me it is more like 20 to 45, I suppose. People I meet have mostly managed polite reactions. They say odd things like “Oh great!”

My previous girlfriend was 12 years older, a warm and passionate Italian woman. This lifted any doubts I may have had about “going older”: I came to the conclusion that youth doesn’t stop at 30.

I am not looking for someone to look up to. I am quite forceful and independent and, in a way, that is what I am looking for in a woman. I can’t speak for my girlfriend, but she might say she is with me because I challenge her. I don’t feel she is that much older and that may be due to the ages we are at the moment. She is fit and very physically active. Maybe when we are older it will seem like more of a gap.

Society seems pre-programmed to find relationships between older men and younger women acceptable. However, the inverse remains oddly circumscribed. Apparently, for a young man to be attracted to an older woman, it has to be either (a) a fetish or (b) a sugar-mummy. Well, I have fallen prey to neither and am in a relationship with a beautiful, engaging and funny woman.

We come from very different backgrounds and yet make each other laugh and have a very fulfilling physical relationship. Let me count the ways in which we are different: she is a white, Canadian Anglican who works for local government; I am a British-Indian Hindu who works in finance. Perhaps most significantly, she is a north Londoner and I am a south Londoner. And yet the aspect of our relationship that causes the most surprise is that she happens to be several years older.

The age gap is apparent when we talk about world events, music, films, etc. In a strange way, though, this is just another difference. In fact, it is an asset and not a liability.

My family, who are a reasonably open-minded lot, are, like the rest of (British) society, not bowled over by the idea of their twentysomething son being with a thirtysomething woman. It would be easy to pin this on Indian culture, but the reality is that Europeans seem to struggle with this concept and so I didn’t expect Indian culture to welcome it either. Famously, Indians are very marriage-focused and the man is generally expected to be about a year older. Our situation is in egregious contravention of Indian social mores.

I get puzzled looks whenever it comes up and a few of my friends seem genuinely amazed I could choose that way. There’s no doubt there is a lingering feeling among a few of them that I’ve left myself an uphill task if I want children. This is not entirely unreasonable, of course.

What is unreasonable, however, is society’s response at large: older women with younger men are portrayed as lusty harridans or tired old biddies looking to boost their self-esteem. This may be true of some, but is clearly not true of all. I know I’m not alone and this trend will continue, as more women grow in confidence even as they reach middle age, backed by a good education and a strong career.

Out of all those differences in our relationship, we definitely agree on something: freedom. Freedom to choose for yourself and freedom to make your own mistakes, if that’s what they are. As Oscar Wilde said: “I like men who have a future, and women who have a past.”