Thursday, June 24, 2010

How to Access the Internet (A Guide from 2025)

Welcome to the Internet! By following the simple rules below, you make sure your internet experience is smooth and risk free.

RealIdentity

Before signing on, please ensure you have received your RealIdentity card from local authorities. Signing on to the internet without identifying yourself has been ruled illegal in the Stop Anonymity Act of 2012, and you need to be sure to associate your comments, emails, posts and more with your real name. Setting up your RealIdentity is easy, as your computer (MacOS 15 or ChromeOS7 and higher) will automatically connect to your near-by card, verifying it with your biometric data. Do not put on shades, veils, contact lenses, and please shave before the biometric scan starts; it is advised to not perform biometric authentication after a long night of drinking.

Geolocation

The internet is split into roughly 120 country regions. This is to ensure that fitting entertaining content will be streamed to you, and that you will not find content that may be unsettling. Your Geolocation should be automatically derived from the position of your point of login – if it matches with the country provided in your RealIdentity card, you’re ready to go. Users from the US may enjoy great copyrighted US TV show reruns like Friends 2020, for instance, while users in other countries may have different tastes and preferences.

As a note for travellers: Before planning your trip to another country, make sure you apply for a Geolocation Visa in order to surf from internet cafes within that country. Alternatively, you can also jump into your cybersuit and just enjoy the other country through Google Street View 3D Plus Touch. Google Street View 3D Plus Touch will only show you those things from the other country which are legal in your location, so it’s a great, risk-free and streamlined experience to get to know other exciting cultures.

Signing Up for the Right Internet

Many content offerings depend on the internet you’ve signed up to. If you’ve signed up with the GoogleAppleAmazon Internet, then you have one-click access to a great digital library, many movies, as well as a certain approved set of homemade web pages. If you’ve signed up with the DisneyWarnerBrosViacom internet, you get a different digital library, set of movies, and approved homemade web pages.

While we cannot specifically recommend one internet over the other, the goo:// internet is great for research and mindless entertainment (talking dogs), whereas dis:// has the faster movie experience. Buffering the 50 Terabyte Feel3D movie Wall-E Jr. Returns for smooth playback and touch takes only 0.1 seconds.

Adult Content

If your RealIdentity identifies you as being over 21 years of age (30 in some countries), you are of the legal age to view adult content. Adult content includes pornography, unmoderated forum discussions, as well as political discourse, religious counter-views, artistic expression, and free speech in general. If you are below 21 years (30 in some countries), you can still discuss politics and religion with your family, and you are free to artistic expression in your own house (local terms and conditions apply).

Acquiring Your Internet Surfing License

Getting your Internet Surfing License is a necessary prerequisite in making the web safe for everyone. Before governments made the ISL mandatory, people often found themselves lost in the myriad of web sites, naively double-clicking Hit The Monkey to Win iPad ads, finding themselves spammed by pop-unders. Acquiring the license typically takes only between 2-5 days of education by your local Surf Training School. You will need to carefully prepare for the final test, in which you are required to answer simple questions like:

What is a pyramid scheme, and do they really work?

How do I replace the solar cells on my cyber glove?

Why exactly is it bad for people to badmouth their governments or big companies online?

Why is it illegal to surf without a RealIdentity card?

In which year did Google buy the internet?

Product Placement

As you may know, product placement and paid product mentions in videos and text replaced all other forms of advertisement. Keep in mind – without such product placement, the internet as we know it could not be paid for, and would not exist! All major content providers agreed to switch to product placement instead of separated forms of advertisement in 2014, and since 2019, your government’s politicians in over 80 countries are on board too, peppering their political speeches with commercial references. This allows you to pay less taxes, so it’s a win-win situation.

Technical Jargon

Sometimes you will run across abbreviations specific to the internet. If you’re not used to this tech speak, keep this glossary within reach or load it into your brain extension module. Some key words are:

WWW - Literally “World Wide Web”, an expression used in the beginnings of the web. It has since grown out of use but is still heard by certain older netizens. Like communism, it was an appealing yet completely unrealistic idea.

Virus - A virus, often called “computer virus” by oldtimers, is a program entering through your brain chip and meant to stimulate your commercial desires. If you find yourself in the supermarket with the sudden urge to buy enormous amounts of a certain brand of cereals, it might be due to such a “computer virus.” These programs are clearly illegal; stimulating commercial desires via brain chips is required to be opt-in, and has a minimum legal age of 6.

LOL - The word by word meaning of this abbreviation has been lost in history – you may remember that the 2015 CleanUpTheNet Act accidentally deleted quite a bit of archive material – though it is generally interpreted as a form of laughter (it has also replaced Bless You as a reply to when someone sneezes).

Earning Money on the Internet

There are many ways to earn money on the internet. Here is just a brief overview of some of the legal activities that can earn you a dollar or two:

If you can get a job as a BrainWorker, you will answer simple semi-automated questions like “Is the person depicted in the photo male or female" for 8 hours a day. Answering questions like these will help you power the algorithms of datacrunching companies like Google.

If you’re lucky to score the high-paid job of an Idea Placer, you will be entering the parts of the internet where you can add comments or enter chats, influencing others by mentioning how great a product, idea or person is. The US government alone employs around 150,000 Idea Placers around the web.

Work as a Content Rewriter. Every day, new non-localized articles, images, news bits and user comments are entering the internet. Before they can be successfully deployed to the localized versions of the net, they need to be rewritten to meet local cultural and legal requirements. As a Content Rewriter, it is your job to know these requirements and change content accordingly, removing the unsettling parts or rewording those facts and bits which may cause cognitive dissonance with consumers.

Finding a Partner

Are you single and looking for the right partner? Based on your biometric data, your income, your location, as well as the Overall Attitude (OA) results from your Internet Surfing License, anywhere from 10-100 people in your area will be suggested to you. At first, meeting all of them may seem a tedious way to find your true love – who has the time to get to know 10 people if it cannot be assured they are definitely Mr., Mrs. or Rbt. Right? – but keep in mind: your grandmother’s generation had none of these tools available, and they still managed to fall in love.

Stumbling Upon Illegal Content

As safe as the internet is today, there may still be a time when you stumble upon content that you may deem unnecessarily unsettling. Perhaps a report of political issues in a foreign nation is shocking to you; perhaps there’s a bit of accidental nudity which slipped through; perhaps you’ve downloaded a version of a book from 1990 before a Content Rewriter had a chance to change it. Make sure you report these pages to your local internet authorities by using your OS’s Flag button. A team of internet professionals may get back to you with further inquiries if necessary, and also meet you at your home to take a look at your current internet surfing hardware setup and general mental stability.

It’s Easier Than It Seems

With so much information that seems to be necessary to take your first online steps, we don’t want you to be frightened to enter the internet. The web is a relaxing, streamlined and harmonious experience. Decades ago, when the web was invented, it was a place of free roaming chaos. Differing viewpoints, an abundance of copyright infringements, non-localized content, anonymous smear campaigns, unapproved software and more roamed the WWW. Compared to then, we’re truly lucky to be accessing the internet in 2025, not 1995. Welcome to the net, and enjoy your stay!

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