WASHINGTON—Saying they had audited their survey data several times to ensure the information was correct, U.S. Census Bureau officials confirmed Friday they had found some poor fuck named Kip. “After a careful analysis of our records, we have determined that there is some miserable sonofabitch out there whose given name is Kip—just Kip,” said the bureau’s director, John H. Thompson, who noted that the Census immediately dispatched an agent to the man’s home to verify the troubling findings and determined that Kip is, in fact, the depressing sad sack’s actual legal name. “It’s not even short for anything. When this wretched loser had to fill out his Census form—Christ, every time he’s ever had to write his legal name on anything—he had to write ‘Kip. K-I-P.’ God, can you even imagine if that were you? Poor bastard.” Thompson told reporters that after personally reconfirming over the phone that Kip is the man’s real name, he didn’t bother asking any additional questions about other people in his household, figuring someone so pathetic had to be living completely alone.

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