Of all the mammalian species of North America, few are as paradoxically mysterious and demanding of attention as the human father of the United States. Often quiet in his affection and deafeningly loud in his anger, the American dad—as much as we love him—is a particularly exciting study. Which is why we’ve created this, The Father of All Dad Guides: From A(doring) to Z(addy), available now wherever fine books are sold, as an aid for readers to identify themselves (if you happen to be a dad), their dads (if you happen to have a dad), dads on television (often a stand-in when your dad’s not around), and dads in the wild. In addition to such species as Camping Dad and Hippie Dad, you'll meet this guy:

The Feminist Dad

Congrats to the Feminist Dad, who embraces that women are people and deserving of respect and equality by teaching his children—regardless of their gender—that the sociopolitical struggles of women should be the sociopolitical struggles of everyone.

Sure, there’s a chance he only realized all this after having a daughter, something you’ll be able to notice because he’ll not-so-subtly drop hints like “As a father of a daughter, I…” when discussing women’s issues—but at least he’s getting there.

Of course, there are the special few Feminist Dads who have long been feminists, even if they only have sons! To these dads: Good job! We appreciate you even if we gently mock you for still rocking that “I’m with Her” shirt.

A Feminist Checklist for New Dads of Daughters

Gender-neutral color scheme (try yellow!) for clothes and room décor

Actually, strike that. Girls can wear blue and boys can wear pink because gender is a social construct!

Actually, strike that. Girls can wear pink because there’s nothing demeaning about overt displays of femininity.

Also it’s infantilizing to call her a “girl,” even if she is a literal infant. Call her “Womyn-to-Be.”

Then again, she might not grow up to identify as a woman, so don’t put that label on her either. Just call her by her name!

Speaking of names, may we recommend something gender-neutral, like Sydney, Alex, or Glorp?

Then again, why do names have genders to begin with? Call her what you want.

By which we mean “call her what SHE wants,” because it’s very important to instill agency in your daughter so she’ll grow to understand the power of choice.

Instead of the usual bedside stories, mix things up with some light feminist theory, like that of Germaine Greer.

Reminder, though, that like a lot of second-wave feminists, she’s a gender essentialist, so you should probably mix in some modern theory as well.

Another reminder, though: Feminism, like a lot of sociopolitical identities, is dominated by white cis voices. Just a little something to keep in mind.

One more small thing to keep in mind: The world is notoriously terrible to women, and no matter what you do, your daughter will come to understand this through the lack of choices, stereotyping, and representation she encounters legally, institutionally, and socially. Probably even within her own family, because none of us—not even you!—can escape the patriarchy.

Have a panic attack.

Rent a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Go out in the middle of the night and scream your fears for your daughter at the moon until your voice is gone and you collapse on the ground.

Wake up in the woods. Notice the strange markings you’ve made on your own body with mud while blacked out.

Find out that these markings are not random, but primitive symbols of witchcraft. Copy them carefully on a scrap of notebook paper.

On the first full moon after your daughter is born, re-create the symbols around her. Burn the notebook page and bury the ashes with a chicken bone and an old copy of Ms. magazine in the backyard.

Congrats! You’re on your way to becoming a feminist dad!

The Father of All Dad Guides: From A(doring) to Z(addy) is available now.