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On Wednesday, Prime Minister Harper outlined his government’s focus in his speech to the Conservative caucus. But how will he achieve his goals? Steve Murray imagines possible campaigns for the future of our great country (Canada).

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SAFETY:

Crime is down, yet it’s still a priority for Harper. Like the trumpeted reports of … unreported crimes his government cited back in 2010, there exists another scourge of crime unknown to most Canadians. They wear masks, they steal our precious garbage and they must be stopped so we can boost some stats.

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PRIDE:

The government has promised more commemorations to really rile Canadians up about how awesome their country is. The War of 1812 bicentennial was a smashing success, so … why not continue it? The war lasted until 1815, so, by my count we have (looks at fingers) … three more years of commemorating to do! A law should be brought in, forcing every artist in Canada to create at least one 1812(-15) inspired piece.

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FAMILIES:

The Conservatives have always been pro-family, sometimes ostracizing the country’s single population (like when you go home for Thanksgiving and your mom keeps going on about your successful older brother). But that acrimony will end with tax credits! For single people, they can get a credit for going on at least two dates with someone and submitting the signed receipts! And for married childless couples, they can get a credit for one romantic weekend a year, provided the date of the receipts lines up with the submitted medical records of peak ovulation times!

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ECONOMY:

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