TAMPA, FL—According to numerous sociologists and political experts, things that should never under any circumstance be spoken aloud in modern society will be said no fewer than 1,400 times this week at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL.


Throughout the three-day event, as the GOP unveils its 2012 platform and formally nominates its presidential ticket, experts predict words and phrases pertaining to science, health, and justice that are entirely unbefitting 21st-century human civilization will, on average, be voiced every 40 seconds from the podium at the Tampa Bay Times Forum.

According to alarming projections, the number of jarringly anachronistic remarks about gender alone will easily number in the hundreds.


“As the convention kicks off Tuesday with speeches from the likes of Rick Santorum and Nikki Haley, we should prepare ourselves to hear a more-or-less unending stream of ideas that should never even enter one’s mind, let alone be verbalized, in this day and age,” said Elizabeth Unger, a political scientist at Georgetown University. “It’s difficult to comprehend, but dozens of comments on such topics as human relationships and the physical world itself—which will seem as if they were crafted by some primitive unthinking civilization that existed centuries ago—will actually be emphasized, repeated, and used to punctuate key points in every single speech.”

“And what’s more baffling is that speakers will receive legitimate applause for saying things in public that no reasonable, informed member of society would ever willingly say in private,” she continued. “In fact, the more monstrous and archaic the thing sounds, the more ardent the ovation will be.”


Unger said the broad range of antiquated and inappropriate things that will be articulated each night on live television will not, as one might suspect, be blurted out by accident, as an involuntary reflex, or from momentary lack of forethought. While she acknowledged that such remarks would defy all contemporary definitions of logic and propriety, Unger confirmed they would actually be written down, organized, and rehearsed in advance, as if they in fact represented the speakers’ fully formed opinions and deeply held convictions on those particular issues.

“What’s fascinating is that these things, which will be spoken against all sense of contemporary decency and rational judgment, will not be the rantings of degenerates or imbeciles,” said Erik Olin Wright, president of the American Sociological Association. “Rather, they’ll be voiced by well-known political figures, distinguished business leaders, and top minds of national conservative movements—dozens of outwardly functional, ordinary people who for some reason appear eager to vocalize bizarrely backward-looking ideologies that no right-thinking modern human being would ever fathom giving voice to.”


“It’s almost as if these people are unaware that the Enlightenment, the scientific revolution, various civil rights movements, and the entirety of social progress over the previous several centuries even occurred,” Wright added.

Scholars also affirmed that sentiments relating to economic opportunity, natural resources, and human culture that should never exit a person’s mouth would in fact be chanted in unison throughout the convention, easily bringing the total count of grossly inappropriate utterances into the hundreds of thousands.


According to the vast majority of experts contacted, such bizarrely out-of-date concepts, if ever fully acted upon, would nullify scores of generations of human advancement.

“If this gathering were held in the 1700s or 1800s, a certain fraction of the comments they will make on issues like religion and commerce might be considered somewhat appropriate by people of the time,” anthropologist Gregory Switzer said. “But much of what is said at the RNC about fairness and the treatment of fellow human beings in need, for example, is far more consistent with the very beginnings of rudimentary social empathy in our species dating back to the earliest emergence of human civilization some 10,000 years ago, when our barely developed ancient ancestors would literally smash each other’s skulls in with large rocks without a care or second thought.”


In stark contrast, scholars noted, several hundred things that desperately needed to be said in modern society would be uttered throughout next week’s Democratic National Convention by gutless speakers who would not possess anything remotely close to the strength or resolve needed to act on them.