I don’t even know what to say. Last night’s display in the Senate chamber was embarrassing to this whole country. I used to have faith in America. I used to believe my government cared about me. I don’t even know what to say.

That was my Twitter reply to my Congressman on December 2nd, the morning after the Republican tax plan passed the Senate. It was probably the most honest 227 characters that I shared publicly since November of last year.

The previous night I’d sat in front of my laptop streaming CSPAN as the Senate deliberated over the tax plan. I watched Senator Booker at his desk trying to read the entire Bill before the vote to see if it could be done — although he abandoned the task when he left to vote on Minority Leader Schumer’s request to delay the vote a few days. (Schumer is of the absurd opinion that a bill should be read, analyzed, and debated before it is voted on.)

To be honest, I don’t know why I watched the vote. I couldn’t alter the outcome at all. Everything I needed to know would be in the news the next day.

Maybe it was some masochistic part of me that wanted to see the pompous, self-satisfied face of Majority Leader McConnell. Maybe I wanted to watch in real time as my government abandoned all allegiance to prudent process. Maybe I was just curious how late they were going to make those poor legislative aides stay awake.

Whatever the reason, I don’t think I will ever forget the sound of the smug “yeas” and the heavy-hearted “nays” that my laptop speakers emitted that night.

Truthfully, for as much work as I do to advance progressive ideas, I have a soft spot for conservatism. I believe in an uninhibited free market. I believe a small government leads to a liberated society. I believe there is no surer track to the top than hard work.

I used to admire Republican Senators such as McCain and Paul for their willingness to deeply evaluate each legislative proposal on their merits rather than simply kowtowing to the demands of their party leaders.

But all the things I used to revere about the Republican Party are absent in today’s Congress — replaced with the putrific ooze of unchecked plutocracy.

Republicans have entered an extreme era of the ends justifying the means. The means are sexual predators in the federal government, and the ends are tax breaks for the wealthy. Political donors are seeing greater return on investment than they ever could have hoped for under an honest government.

I understand that Republicans will fight for conservative ideas, and I understand that no candidate is perfect. But do they have to be so awful? Why Roy Moore? Why Donald Trump? Why can’t the RNC find people of virtue to carry their flag?

I’m 20 years old. Whatever political landscape emerges from America’s current afflictions is what I’ll have to navigate throughout my adult life. I’m quickly losing faith that that landscape will ever heal its scars to become the vibrant ecosystem of ideas and good intents that I dreamt it could.

But as soon as I start to give up, I realize that that’s exactly what they want us to do.

They want us to retreat back into our cocoon of ignorance, safe from outrage-inciting news cycles. They want us to ignore them while they connive their future corruptions. They want us to lose hope.

So let’s not. Let’s keep knocking on doors. Let’s keep writing essays on why we believe what we believe. Let’s keep calling them out on their deceptions and duplicities.

Because maybe we don’t know what to say, but there are still things we can do.

-Ben Chapman, December 2017