Flushed with the success of a washout summer and stuffed to the gills with tasty bluebottles, it's time to welcome your new housemates. Owing to dismal weather, the 2011 British Domestic Spider Season promises to be the best yet. These eight-legged apparitions of creepy crawling energy are returning from their outdoor adventures to find a warmer playground, and your place looks just perfect – look around now, did you see something move? It's time to bang those slippers, check the loo seat before sitting down, and hide the curds and whey in the fridge.

Yet far from being terrified, wouldn't it be nice to share some of what you have with them? Imbue them with personality, give them a name. Mine is called Rolling Pin, he even has his own song to the tune of The Internationale: "Oh Rolling Pin, Oh Rolling Pin, please go away, you can't come in."

You might even find it in your heart to sympathise with them. The most common house spider – the Tegenaria duellica – is likely to be a lovelorn male sidling along the skirting-board looking for romance, or stranded forlornly in the bathtub of emptiness. We've all been there.

Rescue him and set him on his way; he might name his children after you. His closest relative, the aggressive house spider or Tegenaria agrestis, is a less than friendly sort – perhaps embittered by failed affairs and preferring the grimier haunts of garages and sheds; these spiders will give you a bite with little provocation.

According to Stuart Hine, spider expert at the Natural History Museum, the largest domestic spider is "the Tegenaria parietina, or cardinal spider, reputed to have bitten Cardinal Wolsey. These can measure up to 6in across, about the size of a beer glass."

Nearly all spiders are venomous to some degree, although in the UK there are only around 12 breeds with fangs capable of piercing human skin: the false widow (often mistaken for its deadly overseas cousin), the black lace weever, the tube web spider, the walnut orb spider, and even the money spider have been known to nip. These bites range from a stinging nettle sensation, to several hours of painful swelling. This is unlikely to reassure those who cower in cold terror as the eight-legged creatures go by. Perhaps arachnophobia, the deep and widely held fear of spiders, is an evolutionary memory from a time before history when enormous deadly spiders enslaved us and ruled the earth … perhaps they will again?

Hine thinks it is more a case of nurture than nature. "Children reach out to touch spiders, unaware of any fear, until they see the reaction of their parents." His suggestion to help bath-bound spiders climb to freedom and resume their amorous quest by leaving a towel over the side does not play well with everyone.

However, one great service these autumnal arachnids provide is to eat the rest of the creepy crawling squatters in your home – they are particularly fond of clothes moths. Surely the odd hour spent screaming atop a chair is better than your best jumper being nibbled to threads?

In these austere times, I recommend spider fancying as a wonderful activity for all the family; cheap, fun, educational, and scary enough to keep the kids interested. Why not hold spider of the week contests in your home throughout this season? This would require placing a clear container over the spider – being most careful not to injure it. Then gently slide a piece of card with a centimetre grid drawn on it beneath the container, allowing the spider to walk on to it – in its own time. Remember, you are now friends. Next, photograph your spider then carry it to the door and release it – it is not necessary to electronically tag it. It will soon be back, bringing its bigger friends who have heard about this superb game. Give it a name, then email your picture to the Guardian for a sporting chance to have your very own spider's portrait printed in the paper. Let the greatest show on legs commence.

• Share your photos of spiders on our Flickr group