Jane Fonda. Photo: Melinda Sue Gordon/Paramount Pictures

“Wine … because no good story started with someone eating a salad,” someone once said, according to Pinterest. That line, found on totebags and iPhone lock screens the world over, is essentially the premise of Book Club: Diane Keaton, Mary Steenburgen, Candice Bergen, and Jane Fonda are longtime friends who reconvene their decades-old book club with Fifty Shades of Grey, and gossip about all of the sex they’re not having, but would very much like to (if the mood is right, and if Andy Garcia is present). They pair their light kink, appropriately, with booze: There’s not a scene in Book Club where the women aren’t sipping on something — a light-bodied white wine, a sweet rosé, a martini. The liquor flows so freely in this lush fantasy about growing old, dating Andy Garcia, and getting laid, that we at Vulture decided we needed to record exactly how much alcohol is consumed. Bottom’s up!

Opening sequence: Candice Bergen is standing at a bar in an old photo. She is holding a glass of white wine.

Alcohol consumed: Conservative estimate: One glass of white wine.

Scene: Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Mary Steenburgen, and Candice are at a book-club meeting, debating the “literary” merits of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Alcohol consumed: Four glasses of white wine.

Scene: Diane, Mary, Candice, and Jane are at an emergency book-club meeting because THIS BOOK IS A SEXUAL REVELATION. Christian Grey has opened their eyes (and other things) to their sexual needs and desires.

Alcohol consumed: Three glasses of white wine and two glasses of rosé.

Scene: Diane is reading and drinking in her garden, giggling at E.L. James’s masterpiece.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of red wine.

Scene: Diane flirts on the phone with The Pilot (Andy Garcia).

Alcohol consumed: One glass of red wine and one glass of bourbon.

Scene: Diane and Andy are having dinner in an “oceanside restaurant” (the green screen here is incredible) and talking about first kisses.

Alcohol consumed: Two glasses of white wine.

Scene: Jane uses reverse psychology to convince Candice to start dating, while Mary tries to quench her sex thirst with vodka.

Alcohol consumed: Three glasses of vodka on ice.

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Scene: Candice is in her home office, creating a Bumble profile.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of white wine.

Scene: Candice is in full swipe-mode, racking up matches like she’s been doing it since the launch of OKCupid circa 2004.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of white wine.

Scene: Candice and Richard Dreyfuss are on a date having the “online dating is so hard/I don’t know what I’m doing” conversation. If you’ve ever been on a Tinder/Bumble/OKCupid et al. date, you know what (most likely) happens next.

Alcohol consumed: Two glasses of white wine.

Scene: Candice has embraced her reignited sex drive, orders a drink, and waits for her next Bumble date at a club. Her ex and his new 20-something fiancée show up.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of gin and tonic (if ever there was a time to increase consumption …)

Scene: Mary and Craig T. Nelson are at a bar; she’s still trying to get her own husband to fuck her. This woman is not a quitter, y’all.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of rosé and one Viagra-laced beer.

Scene: Jane and Don Johnson are on the roof of her hotel, talking about the good ol’ days.

Alcohol consumed: One martini and one bourbon.

Scene: Diane, Jane, Mary, and Candice are having a book-club meeting at Candice’s house. We are in full-blown crisis mode here, people. Has Christian Grey’s deep love for/fuckery of Anastasia Steele created unrealistic expectations in their own lives? Why won’t Mary’s husband have sex with her already? Why is Candice hung up on a guy who’s clearly not on her level? Why is Diane freaking out because she slept with Andy Garcia?

Alcohol consumed: Five glasses of white wine.

Scene: They are still at Candice’s house. Jane has switched to vodka shots and everybody else is staring at the empty wine bottles on the table, likely wondering: Is my life as empty as these bottles?

Alcohol consumed: Three bottles of white wine and at least two-thirds of a vodka bottle.

Scene: Jane is on the roof of the hotel.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of white wine.

Scene: Candice is at a celebratory engagement party for her son and she makes an inspiring impromptu speech. I finally understand love.

Alcohol consumed: Two glasses of white wine.

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Scene: Diane and Candice are cheering Mary on at her talent show.

Alcohol consumed: Conservative estimate: Two glasses of white wine.

Scene: Candice is in her home office and reactivates her Bumble account. #NeverGiveUpOnLove.

Alcohol consumed: One glass of white wine.

End credits scene: The friends take a photo at the same bar that we see at the film’s start. The friends are all happy and, much like Anastasia Steele, thoroughly fucked. Candice has a glass of wine in hand.

Alcohol consumed: Conservative estimate: One glass of white wine. Laters, baby.