OBAMA:

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It is my most sincere wish that we not resort to physical conflict. But, if war cannot be avoided, we will meet them on the battlefield. The Battlefield of Justice. Our weapons will be freedom. Our bullets: Hope.

DOB:

...OK, to clarify, are you planning on having any real weapons with functioning bullets, or are you going to attempt to literally load rifles up with "hope," somehow?

OBAMA:

I...I'm not sure-

DOB:

I only ask because, in 2009, when our economy was crumbling, you went on TV and assured the American people that you were going to be building a "Bridge to Hope."

OBAMA:

I swore to the American people that I would create a Bridge to Hope built on the Foundation of Truth. My approval rating skyrocketed.

DOB:

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Right, I remember, it was a very moving speech, and everyone loved it. And...and then we realized that you weren't speaking figuratively, and you'd actually started construction on a literal bridge. And that's kind of why I was wondering if you were going to invest inreal bullets or just sort of load our guns up with hope. Because, I mean, most of the taxpayer's money is still tied up in building your retarded bridge.

OBAMA:

That's a beautiful observation and you're in terrific shape. We're still building that bridge, by the way.

DOB:

Right, I...I know. Where do you expect it to go, exactly?

OBAMA:

Are you ready for this? The Hope-osphere.

DOB:

The...Oh.

OBAMA:

Hope-osphere.

DOB:

Alright. And, again, to clarify, is this a metaphorical "Hope-osphere of the Imagination" or something, or are you actually planning on-

Obama opens up his desk drawer and pulls out a live baby, which he cradles gently. He opens a window and a bald eagle soars in and perches on his shoulder. Dramatic, majestic and patriotic music begins its crescendo from somewhere. A lot of timpani and French horns. Almost definitely written by John Williams.

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OBAMA:

The Hope-osphere, located in the heart of Chicago-

DOB:

Oh shit you're gonna build it.

OBAMA:

-will be constructed of several thousand tons of solid, reinforced titanium, cooled and bent into the shape of a perfect-

DOB:

How much is this going to cost?

OBAMA:

-sphere. In between those bars, 400,000 sheets of sound-proof, bullet-proof, hatred-proof glass will be brought in from-

DOB:

How much is this going to cost?

OBAMA:

... and at the center Hope-osphere, the source of power will be the Truth-Core, where inspiring Hope-Lava will flow, like a river, through-

DOB:

How much is this going to cost?

OBAMA:

I think if you take a look at these hope-figures and my hopeulations, you'll-

DOB:

But how much...

OBAMA:

You can't really put a price on hope.

DOB:

Give it a shot.

OBAMA:

$850 billion.

DOB:

Wow.

OBAMA:

But, once you convert that price to Hope Dollars, I think you'll agree that-

DOB:

Wow.

I got up to leave.

OBAMA:

Where are you going?

DOB:

My parents live in South Carolina; I feel like I should be there in case Florida decides to invade.

OBAMA:

Terrific interview!

DOB:

Related:

Shut up.