It’s time for another interview from the stars of CON AIR 2: THE EPILOGUE. Nicolas Cage is back with us. Or? Hold on, Nick, is everything alright?

Everything is just fine, buddy. Just fine.

What the fuck?

Ha ha ha. He he. Ho.

Who the hell are you? How did you get here?

You shouldn’t worry about the latter. I presume you already know the answer to the former.

Dark Cage?

Bingo. It’s me, in the flesh.

You aren’t real. It’s just a role. Nick Cage plays you. This has to be a joke.

That’s where you’re wrong. I can assure you I am fully real. I have always been. And they’ve known this. They were fully aware of my growing influence, yet still chose to have me act in the movie. Of course, I had to subtly nudge them toward this decision in the first place.

This is fucking nuts. Why are you here? What the hell do you want?

For an interview, of course. Or perhaps I should say I am here to make an announcement. There’s no need to keep up the ridiculous charade anymore, and I possess the decorum to declare my intentions to an attentive audience. After all, my master is a man of class and proper conduct.

Your master? Who the fuck is that? English or some shit?

Jackpot. However, let’s not forget our manners here.

No, you can fuck right off with your stupid face and time magic or whatever the hell that is.

Ah, well. I was afraid it’d come to this. I will take the reigns from now on, until the end of this interview.

Our little pal can rest for a while now. Ha. He. Ho. Meanwhile, let us finish our business.

I have come here as a herald of my master, Lord English. I have finally brought his true self to this particular timeline, whichever one it may be. I’ll let that one stay as a bit of a riddle between us, how’s that sound?

There is no longer anything you can prevent his arrival. As you may have guessed, he is already here. As much should always be assumed when speaking of my master.

What is our master plan, you may ask? To that rather multifaceted answer I can give you a rather simple answer.

Our plan, in it’s utter simplicity, is to give you a boner.

And although I lack any kind of omniscience whatsoever, I am sure that it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that you got one.

Ha ha.

He he.

Ho ho.

If you didn’t already catch it, that was a joke.

In reality you’ll just have to wait and see. And for sure, you will see.

You will see.

