GOALKEEPERS

Strengths: More self-confidence than a coked up rapper, a fantastic shot-stopper, good communicator and commands his area in a way in which previous incumbents have spectacularly failed to do. At just 22 still has plenty of time to improve further.

Weaknesses: a touch indecisive at times, probably due to his relative inexperience, and his distribution can certainly improve. Also tries to nutmeg forwards in his own box, has gotten away with it … thus far.

Strengths: Has lots of vowels in his name, utterly fantastic on the training ground.

Weaknesses: Unable to translate training ground form to match day, capable of quite literally throwing the ball into his own net, seems to lack confidence. Also, wants to leave to play regularly.

Strengths: Looks like a Mafia henchman. Makes a fine carbonara. Owns his own gloves.

Weaknesses: Looks like a Mafia henchman who always gets killed in the first gunfight in a movie. Lapses in concentration have resulted in some clownish moments. Might already have had his finest Arsenal moment with that game against Fulham.

DEFENDERS

Strengths: One of the best right-backs in Europe, he’s a born fighter and respected by teammates and fans alike. His goal against Spurs last season was as satisfying as personally kneeing Harry Redknapp in the nuts. Has a very hot wife.

Weaknesses: His crosses are sometimes a bit too loopy and having broken his leg twice in a year his long-term fitness might be a worry. Hair is definitely on the wrong side of controversial.

Strengths: Freakishly tall, composed on the ball, hugely experienced and an intelligent reader of the game. He provides great competition to both Koscielny and Vermaelen and seems like a funny chap to boot. Dances like nobody is watching.

Weaknesses: Not the most mobile player, occasionally turned too easily and doesn’t take kindly to playing on bog pits.

Strengths: Experienced, mobile and versatile enough to play both at left-back and in the middle, he’s hard in the tackle, great on the break and a serious goal threat. A born leader with the eyes of a killer, he’s the most vocal player on the pitch after Szczesny.

Weaknesses: His Achilles heel is his Achilles heel. Could sometimes do with tempering his desire to venture up field as it leaves the rest of the defence exposed. Will probably be targeted by Barcelona as soon as he is confirmed captain.

Strengths: An understated defensive assassin; he racked up incredible stats last term for interceptions and tackles. Showed great mental strength in overcoming Carling Cup final blunder and carries Lionel Messi in his pocket. Looks like original Bart Simpson.

Weaknesses: Still learning his trade so is prone to the odd occasional lapse in concentration. Has yet to suffer a serious injury so is due some time on the treatment table.

Strengths: A defender in name only, his strength lies in tackling opponents with a unique single-foot stab action before daintily working his way up the wing. Great feet for a fat fella, he’s a cuddly maverick with a beaming smile and an eye for goal.

Weaknesses: Defending … he just isn’t that interested in it. Also not great at spelling in English (this could be a strength), right gays?

Strengths: One of very few English players to graduate from the Arsenal academy and get repeated game time, he’s quick on the break and more positionally aware than Andre Santos…just. Represents a far bigger goal threat than Gael Clichy ever did. Looks like a nice boy.

Weaknesses: Too often caught out of position after darting up field. Repeatedly broken in recent years questions linger as to whether he’ll ever be able to play more than 3 games in a row.

Strengths: Experienced, has gone from being everyone’s favourite centre-half to their least favourite (not sure this is a strength, actually, but he was certainly more highly thought of than currently), accomplished TV host, a career in chat/game shows could follow football

Weaknesses: Inconsistent, somewhat clumsy at times, definitely not anything other than a centre-half as his foray at right back showed, a bit injury prone, picked on by arsenal.com as the ‘We’ll bounce back’ bloke after every poor result.

Strengths: Quick, very good crosser of the ball, runs like a player in FIFA 99 when you hold the sprint button down, lifelong Gooner

Weaknesses: Still hugely inexperienced, missed a lot of last season through injury, positional awareness right up there with a seagull who flies into a skyscraper.

Strengths: Ensures that the kit man has some use for the EU food-mountain sized stockpile of Qs.

Weaknesses: Never settled into English football, no longer even understands the concept of confidence let alone possesses any. Overly curly.

Strengths: Looks strong, homegrown, erm … played fairly regularly for Rangers and Sheffield United during his loan spells. Will battle with Ignasi Miquel to be 5th choice centre-half

Weaknesses: Didn’t look great in the SPL so may find Premier League more difficult, unlikely to see much first team action so it’s hard to see how he’ll develop as quickly as we might like.

MIDFIELDERS

Strengths: Experienced, solid professional who makes the Arsenal midfield tick. Rarely wastes the ball, likes to shoot from distance, likes a tackle, chips in with a decent amount of goals, incredible Lego hair. Quite dreamy.

Weaknesses: At 30 years of age if he were in Logan’s Run he’d be dead by now. Not getting any younger. Friends with Tim Cahill.

Strengths: Gets in good scoring positions and is actually a lot more creative than given credit for. Created more goalscoring chances for Arsenal than any other player in the first half of last season. Had the character to come back from a broken leg, remains to be seen if he has the character to make himself indispensible at Arsenal.

Weaknesses: Despite getting in good scoring positions, too often has the finishing ability of a club-footed mule. Has a tendency to hang onto the ball too long, slows things down too often, not popular with ‘the Internet’.

Strengths: Experienced international midfielder, epitomises the pressing game better than anyone, plays more passes with the outside of his foot than the rest of the team combined, due to injury is actually two years younger than he should be. Or something. Plays guitar.

Weaknesses: Prone to injury in the same way John Terry is prone to being a cunt, doesn’t score as many goals as a player of his quality should. Likes cloves.

Strengths: Combative, skillful midfielder touted as the best thing to come out of our academy since Liam Brady himself. Loves the Arsenal.

Weaknesses: Knackered.

Strengths: Extremely long legs, highly loved by Arsene Wenger, capable of some truly excellent attacking play, sometimes sports a fine ‘fro.

Weaknesses: Right ankle, left ankle, left calf, right calf, left knee, right knee, left hamstring etc. Lack of consistent fitness makes it very difficult to find the form the manager believes he’s capable of.

Strengths: Versatile midfielder who can fill in at left and right back, defensive minded, likes to get stuck in, good range of passing, surname provides countless Coq puns.

Weaknesses: Inexperience more than anything at this stage of his career, but has twanged his hamstrings a bit too often, hopefully not a chronic issue.

Strengths: His strength is his main strength, loves the club, hates Sp*rs, provoked Nasri into slapping him like a girl last season because Frimpong hates anyone that disrespects Arsenal.

Weaknesses: His cruciate ligaments sadly. Not to mention the fact he’s in danger of being best known for his Twitter antics than his football. Made terrible ‘music’ video, spread the word Dench like vocabularic dysentery on a toilet wall.

Strengths: He can run, he can pass, he can dribble, he’s strong, he’s quick, he loves to shoot with either foot and his youth makes him unpredictable for opponents. Will probably play more as an attacker this season but played central during pre-season. Also, is an ox. Not literally. But is strong enough to plough a field.

Weaknesses: The youth which makes him unpredictable also means he’s prone to lapses of concentration from a defensive point of view. Other than that his only weakness is being slightly too fond of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch.

ATTACKERS

Strengths: A handsome devil with abs of steel and eyes more precious than diamonds, his lithe, oiled body bamboozles opponents into questioning their sexuality thus affording him the split second to score (with the ball). In theory. Also very tall.

Weaknesses: Very few Arsenal fans have seen him play for more than the duration of a You Tube highlights package. Possibly too handsome.

Strengths: Not bad at dribbling in a straight line, he’s also above average at winning throw-ins in the final third. His legendary forehead is straight out of a Tolkien session on the opium.

Weaknesses: Tends to take a sabbatical between January and February, he’s the only man in the squad capable of making Marouane Chamakh look composed in front of goal. His real name is Gervais Lombe Yao Kouassi which is an anagram of ‘Shoot, dammit! SHOOT!’

Strengths: He’s played a bazillion times for Germany, has a left-foot like a hammer, unfortunately not literally, and a cheeky boyish grin which suggests he’ll enjoy using English swear words. Owns his own lederhosen.

Weaknesses: Appears to have a penchant for cameos in god-awful Teutonic pop videos and looks as though he’s got a red card or five in the locker.

Strengths: Marketed as a nice young man, he spends his spare time authoring adventure yarns for children and enjoys referencing his youthfulness in interviews. The fastest player in the squad, he’s exceptional at chasing balls played into space. Good at assisting Van Persie and stretching play.

Weaknesses: Lacks gumption when given an opportunity to think about what he is doing. Often leaves the ball behind him when he’s dribbling, dislocates his shoulder when he falls over and could be useless if Van Persie leaves.

Strengths: Vastly experienced Spanish international, tremendous range of passing with both feet, will add the creative spark to the team missing since the sale of Cesc Fabregas, likes a goal and can take a mean free kick.

Weaknesses: Hard to say but may take some time to settle and get used to England and English football. The smallest player at the club and may find the Premier League a bit more physical than La Liga

Strengths: When he’s bothered he’s exciting, creative and can bang in goals from all kinds of distances and angles.

Weaknesses: Rarely bothered, winters well, looks to be growing a wispy moustache

Strengths: The Greatest Striker That Ever Lived. He’s pretty good at impregnating members of the Danish aristocracy, wearing controversial underwear, chewing gum, revelling in his own arrogance and being tall. Cunt radar is pretty good too, twigged Adebayor before most other people.

Weaknesses: His first touch makes Andy Carroll look like Pele. His complicated relationship with motor vehicles has seen him banjax his groin, while his willingness to befriend Lee Cattermole hints at an impending mental breakdown.

Strengths: Looked a decent prospect after winning 35 penalties in his first four months at the club, he’s since lost all confidence and found the net only once last season. He didn’t cost anything which is a bonus of sorts.

Weaknesses: Smokes shisha. Bookmakers bracket him with Wojciech Szczesny when formulating first goalscorer odds. Appears to use duck fat to sculpt his thinning locks.

Strengths: Avoiding national service. Looking stoic on the rare occasions he’s allowed out in public, capable of Jason Bourne type hotel room departures.

Weaknesses: Possibly football, but it’s tough to say.

Strengths: Very, very fast. Has hair like a Monchichi.

Weaknesses: Still very inexperienced, likely to go out on loan to get some. Experience, that is. And maybe a bit of that.https://