NEW YORK—Describing the 72-hour gauntlet of meals, gifts, surprises, and social events as “spine-chilling,” exhausted local man Blake McNally told reporters Monday that his girlfriend’s birthday weekend had been a nightmarish labyrinth through her darkest and most depraved desires. “God, I thought we were done after getting tapas with her roommates, walking along the river, and sharing an impromptu couple’s massage, but little did I know that was only the beginning,” said McNally, recalling that the following day was a harrowing and debauched odyssey of rock climbing, wine tasting, furniture browsing, and salsa dancing that culminated in two separate karaoke engagements. “Then her sick, twisted mind had us wake up early to visit the Natural History Museum, which morphed into cocktails on a rooftop bar, followed by a sudden urge to take a carriage ride through Central Park—all this, of course, being a prelude to the actual birthday dinner with her parents.” At press time, McNally’s girlfriend said she was looking forward to planning his birthday weekend, a wild, unhinged fantasia of pizza and Xbox.

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