Junk Food Nation, last Monday I discussed why grocery stores are often the most awkward places. And the feedback I received from many of you was tremendous – that the same rules can apply to Targets, Walmarts, etc. So, in the spirit of that, I thought I’d share one of my personal awkward grocery moments.

Back when I lived in Maryland, before moving into DC, I used to frequent this small family-owned grocery store known as Sniders SuperFood. It was a great little grocery with great deals and fresh deli. One of the store’s hallmarks was that because it was so small, there were no gaudy displays, no colorful shelves, etc. Instead, if something was on sale, they’d load up a shopping cart full of one item, and stick a sign into it – “Cans of Corn, 3 for $1,” that sort of thing. Then they’d post these shopping carts at the end of store aisles.

So one day I’m out getting my groceries, pushing my cart around, and I get to the end of an aisle. And there, in all its glory, is a cart loaded with, what else, Doritos! Junk Food Nation, you know how much I LOVE Doritos, especially if they’re on sale. I push my cart over next to it, and I happily start pulling bags of Doritos out of that cart into my cart. Cool Ranch, Nacho Cheese, Spicy – quite a haul!

Quite a haul… until a woman walks up to me hurriedly with a nasty look on her face, and exclaims, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” And then I look more closely – this is her shopping cart. I am clearly stealing Doritos out of this woman’s shopping cart.

More on what happened after the jump. Today’s Junk Food is a goody I just bought yesterday: Ritz Cheddar Cheese & Bacon Crackerfuls!

Ritz crackers were a staple in my family. For me, a sleeve of Ritz crackers, all buttery in that familiar brownish wax paper, was a meal. Since their introduction in 1934, Nabisco has since expanded Ritz in many different directions – Ritz, Ritz Bits, Ritz Bitz Sandwiches, Ritz Toasted Chips, and, most recently, Ritz Crackerfuls. These large, sandwich crackers are filled with cheese, or garden vegetable spread, etc. I’d had one before, and it really wasn’t for me – I like the classics.

Then I saw these – Cheddar Cheese & Bacon. Oh really, Nabisco? Challenge accepted.

Ritz Crackerfuls is always really good about showing the product right up front – here’s the sandwich cracker with its filling; this is what you get. Here, they are highlighting the fact that cheddar cheese and bacon are the main components. And who doesn’t love bacon? (Besides vegetarians, Jewish people, those of Muslim faith…ok, a lot of people).

Made with real cheese and bacon. But how much “real” cheese and how much “real bacon”? Skepticism mounting – I don’t see a piece of bacon sticking out from in between the Ritz crackers (although that would be AWESOME).

Does this flap remind you of Diehard with a Vengeance? I feel like if I don’t loosen the flap gently, red mixes with white and then BOOM!

Inside the box I purchased were six individually wrapped packages containing the sandwich cracker. One serving size is one package, thankfully (no Pop-Tart BS here).

Ta-Da! A tasty rectangular Ritz cracker, golden brown, ready for tasting. As I opened the package and sniffed the junk food, up wafted a nice bacon-y smell – although it definitely smelled fake. As if bacon cologne had been added to this snack.

PS: where can I buy this bacon cologne, because it smells great!

I lifted off the top cracker and Wooooooow that’s weird looking. Er…yeah. Who took a candy circus peanut, melted it, and stuffed it into my Crackerful? Yikes. I’m afraid to look closer…

…but I did. The flecks of dark red are, presumably, some kind of bacon bit or spice or something. Look, I like processed cheese as much as the next guy, but did they need to shape it? The deliberateness of the three rows of squirted cheese is making my stomach turn.

Still, thy shan’t judge a book by its cover, and I won’t judge this Crackerful by the weird-ass innards of the junk food.

First bite – not bad. But…not great. As I bit, the processed cheese compressed and began to squirt out the sides of the cracker, which was unappetizing. And the cheesy filling had a waxiness to it that coated my tongue immediately. But the taste was ok – definite cheesy taste, although I wasn’t sure if it was distinctly cheddar. And bacon-like accent to the cheese – a smokiness came through, as well as a pork saltiness.

What it really tasted like: a bacon infused cream cheese, or one of those bacon-smoked cheeseballs that you get around Christmas time, spread over a Ritz cracker. Which, by itself, isn’t a bad snack, per se. However, while I tasted a hint of what Nabisco was going after, I cannot say this really tasted of cheddar cheese or bacon.

So: not bad, but I probably wouldn’t buy these again.

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Here’s what went through my head as I was caught dumpster diving into this random lady’s shopping cart:

1) Her purse was clearly in that little basket to the front of the cart. Big ol’ purse. Big. Ol. Purse. I guess I’m lucky this woman didn’t come at me with a taser, or screamed for the police. Nope – she just saw my dumb face offloading Doritos like it was my job.

2) No price sale sign anywhere in sight. That should’ve been a big clue. But no, my dumb ass sees a cart loaded with Doritos and somehow it becomes my mission to make them all mine. Like its a video game!

3) The main thought I had: Who has that many Doritos in one cart!? (Besides me, that is?) Seriously, I would not have have gone hogwild on the Doritos cart unless I honestly thought it was a sale cart. This lady had close to fifteen bags in her cart. Having a really big party, are we, ma’am??

(And yes, I did see that there was other food in the cart…EVENTUALLY. But when your eyes are filled with Dorito-y goodness, there’s blinders. BLINDERS!)

Anyways, I spent the rest of the grocery trip hiding from this woman, and she scowled every time she even saw me, instinctively clutching her purse. Good lord – I’M NOT GOING TO ROB YOU, LADY. Ugh.

Mortifying.

Do you have any stories like these? Hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy, post it on my Facebook page, or in the comments below. Happy Monday!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy