Listen, we’ve all been there: an exotic dancer is giving you special attention at the club and it’s not just because you’ve been paying her. She really, really likes you. She gets you in that way that nobody else does. You’re so enamored by this new relationship that you decide to bequeath to your new queen your most prized possession: your Harry Potter DVD collection.

But what happens next is the stuff of nightmares, not true love fairytales.

According to KRIV My Fox Houston, 32-year-old software developer Robert Wallace was allegedly in a “dating relationship” with dancer Nomi Mims when he “lent” her some money, a laptop and the aforementioned DVDs. After they broke up a few weeks ago, Wallace asked for his things back, and Mims refused. Now, he’s suing her in an attempt to get his Harry Potter DVDs back. Mims claims the two were never dating and that Wallace gave her those things as gifts.

“I don’t believe in loans because I don’t want to pay anybody back,” Mims told KRIV. “I’ve given him gifts too. You know, how do I get my booty and boobs back?”

Checkmate.

(h/t Raw Story)

Contact us at letters@time.com.