How a False Accusation Transformed My Life (and not for the worse)

We can’t control adversity, but we can our response to it; and learn to rely on faith, family and friends

In late 2016 a very false, dramatic and public accusation was made against me. It impacted my life profoundly. In the roughly year and a half since, I’ve experienced many changes. I didn’t comment much at the time, other than to reiterate my innocence, but I feel compelled now to share a bit more.

At the time I worked for a prominent college sports program at a university that was embroiled in months-long negative headlines. It was Thanksgiving week, and we had a house full of my wife’s extended family when, because of the intense interest in everything related to the university at the time, my name hit the news in a one-sided story. Having one’s integrity questioned and reputation smeared publicly was difficult to endure, as was the judgment and shaming via social media in the ensuring days and weeks.

I know there are many more difficult things to endure in life (I need go no further than several high school classmates battling cancer, to be reminded that what I’ve gone through pales in comparison to trials that others face) — and I’m certainly not the first person to be dealt an unfair blow — but having your children see your name and image negatively displayed on the 10 o’clock news does rank fairly high on the list of experiences I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’ll never forget texting my parents and giving them a heads-up that my name, their family name, may end up in unflattering headlines.

The wild accusation and improbable ensuing actions resulted in me experiencing the booking process. Though not immediate, after authorities got around to reviewing the video evidence, steps were rightly taken to clear the fabricated charge. But as is overwhelmingly the case in today’s media world, the clearing of my name received much less news coverage than the initial negative headlines.

I eventually resigned. It was for the best, for many reasons. The university was going through vast changes, and the timing made sense after nearly 17 years on the job. Then came a long-desired move west, closer to our roots.

I was “gifted”, as my wife refers to it, the opportunity to jump off the hamster wheel and to stop and smell the roses. To increase the time spent with my family. To reevaluate priorities. And my life is the better for it.

So how have I changed?

I’ve learned that the rush to judgment can be really unfair. And inaccurate (too often inaccurate). And damaging. I’ve learned that public perception can be very warped. That social media is a powerful influence.

My heart has been changed. I think I will forever view the world through a different lens. My capacity to empathize with others has increased, as has my belief in cutting folks slack. When I hear about someone being accused, or any allegation, I no longer automatically assume guilt. I’ll maintain a presumption of innocence, and allow for time and due process to unfold (and for the truth to eventually emerge).

I try every day to live by the Golden Rule and treat all with respect. Not that I didn’t do that previously; I think those that knew me well would agree I’ve always been a considerate and kind person — some may even say witty and fun to be around — but my job also put me in a position where I was required to deal with others in stressful circumstances, and I’m sure I ruffled some feathers.

I’m also much less concerned with how people view me and seeking the praise of others (probably should have been this way all along, and I assume most well-centered folks have this quality mastered already). Once your name and reputation have been dragged through the mud, you find the superficial, self-conscious, egotistical qualities peeling away and what emerges is an increased importance on a smaller list of priorities like family, faith and… well, that’s about it for what truly matters.

I am much more concerned with pleasing my maker, and focusing on Christ’s ‘great commandments.’

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

I’ve learned a lot about people over the last several months. That good people step up at the right times. That I have many more friends than I realized. That priorities change.

In my previous setting, I had a job with a small degree of prominence and would from time to time be recognized around town or campus. ‘Hey, that’s Heath from athletics, from Twitter, from the RG3 Heisman campaign.’

In my current setting, I’m more likely known for being a father loudly cheering from the stands for two sons who play sports for a very small, rural, high school. Or the new guy in the local Mormon congregation with a beard and longer hair than most, who likes to mix in bolo and bow ties on Sundays.

Yes, I’m a Mormon. A member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (who was fortunate to spend many years working at a Baptist university alongside many fantastic people of various faiths who share similar values as mine). Probably not unlike other LDS members you may know. [Mormon Mission? Yes, two years in Argentina. From Utah? Arizona native, but spent high school and college [Utah State] years in the state. Dozen kids? No, three sons, but large extended family, and family unit is without question the most important aspect of my life.]

My religion has taught me from a young age to have compassion for others, and I hope I’ve increased that quality of late. I look for the good in people. And I try very hard to be much less judgmental (that’s a big one). I’ve become more soft, as the kids would say.

Mine definitely isn’t a completed story with a storybook ending (whose is?). I’m still mid-journey and eager to see where this chapter, and the next, take me and my wife and family. I’ve spent the last year ‘smelling the roses’ while I’ve dabbled in freelance jobs, and even assisted in a political campaign. I’ve been blessed with the flexibility to be in full dad-mode and support my sons at all their activities (their high school lets me run the clock/scoreboard at home basketball games, so I definitely still get a taste of high pressure on the job). I’ve made it a point to increase time spent with my parents and siblings, something that lacked previously (my teenage sons got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas with their grandparents, for the first time in their lives).

I’ve immersed myself in church activities and local community service opportunities. And I’ve dedicated a lot of time to a writing project about my Mormon pioneer ancestors — speaking of which, my small problems quickly become insignificant when I read about the hardships my grandparents suffered as they were driven out of homes and communities by mobs, incarcerated, and even endured a governmental “extermination order” due to their choice of faith.

I’ve learned that there is much more to life than one’s job, or title. That integrity is paramount.

I do know this: a crazy fabricated accusation and subsequent negative coverage won’t define me. Those who knew me, knew better. Those that didn’t (and many strangers had very uncomplimentary views to share) will have a lifetime of additional acts to judge if they so choose. But then again, I shouldn’t spend any time worrying what others think; there’s only one whose judgment matters.

I don’t know exactly what the future holds for me professionally. The few opportunities I’ve been presented haven’t been the right fit. Yet. But whatever I do in the future I hope involves working with young people and positively influencing their lives. I poured my heart into the promotion of the student-athletes I had the privilege of working with at three schools over 24 years, and cherish the friendships with those young (and many no longer young) people.

The most satisfying part of my two-plus decades in university settings was the privilege of mentoring the young men and women who worked under my supervision on our PR staffs. Right at the top of the ‘best days’ lists was receiving notes from graduating seniors expressing kinds words as they headed on their way to bigger and better. I love cheering them on and being in their I-knew-them-when fan clubs.

Heck, speaking of life changes and progress, my wife took advantage of our transition and is finishing her college degree. I’m anxious to follow the great adventure that God has planned for her. In our next chapter I assume I’ll be hearing “hey, aren’t you Deena Nielsen’s husband?”

I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share this; I assume there’s likely a cathartic element to writing these words. But I absolutely do want to take the opportunity to express some gratitude.

Here’s an uplifting fact: When things got sideways for me, in my lowest moment, I looked around and found my foxhole full. It filled quickly with a lifetime of loyal friends, dedicated colleagues, and of course, family. Overwhelmingly so. The encouragement and support shown me was an inspiration, and a blessing.

To those I’ve ever offended, or caused to feel lousy in any way: I’m sorry. Future goals include improvement in the Golden Rule area.

To those silently supportive: Thank you. Countless times I’ve myself been the silent supporter. Prayers did, do, and always will have an impact and be appreciated.

To those who reached out directly with support and encouragement: God bless you. You’re the examples I’m striving to become.

To those who publicly had my back in various forms: Save me a seat in your foxhole. I’ll never forget.

To those who continue to be there for me, and lend their ears and counsel: Your friendship is priceless to me. Keep taking my calls.

I better wrap this up because the sentiment meter is getting pretty high and I don’t mean for this to be over the top.

I’ve never used the term “unfair” when discussing circumstances. I’ve always taught my sons that life isn’t meant to be fair, that we’ll all face different obstacles. The takeaway I want them to learn from trials is about standing tall when you get knocked down. That the only thing we can control is our response to what happens around us. To never allow difficult times to cause our faith to waiver. The following is a favorite quote of mine that probably sums up what I’ve tried to express much more concisely than I ever could:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” -Orson Whitney

We all suffer lows with our highs. To those working their way through difficulties, I’ll humbly offer: Keep pushing. Keep moving. Keep treating others with kindness. Don’t allow discouragement or the opinions of others to adversely affect you. Surround yourself with friends and family who value you, and concentrate on your future. Focus on the most important elements of your life, and let the unimportant slide away.

God has a plan for each and every one of us, even when the road gets bumpy.