News is cancelled for the day everyone! Absolutely nothing has happened anywhere. None of our consultants worldwide have anything to report. It’s pretty shocking actually. I look out my window and see everyone going about their day, without getting murdered. Incredible!

I think when I get home I might heat up that frozen spaghetti entree I bought myself a few weeks back. I know it’s not the real thing, but it’s not all too bad! I mean, how can anyone mess up spaghetti?

Honestly, it’s kind of weird that there is nothing worthy of news happening anywhere. No protests, no political disputes, no celebrities being exposed as terrible people. Even terrorists have stopped terrorizing for the day! It makes you wonder, doesn’t it? I mean, the only things worthy of reporting are absolutely awful. If someone isn’t being killed, or potentially hurt by a new political policy, it’s not important enough for the world to know about. Unless it’s an animal doing a heroic deed, those always make the news! Don’t get me wrong, I love a good story about a dog rescuing a kid from the middle of a frozen pond- and I always have to wonder how a kid made it that far with their parents watching, and why the parents are just recording the incident on their phones- but is that the only positive category that can make broadcast news media?

Maybe it’s deliberate. Maybe the news wants to keep us afraid so we keep watching, waiting for the day things change for the better- or for pessimists, waiting for things to officially change for the worse. I know I’m getting into the weeds of conspiracy theory territory, but hear me out- what if news outlets are feeding our fear for ratings? What if they aren’t even telling the truth at all, dissecting the real events, picking them apart piece by piece, and then repackaging them to paint a narrative that appeals to certain demographics, just so they can grow a fanbase and make money on advertising?!? And I’m complicit! I’m a part of the problem! I have to do something about this! I have to-

Oh wait, hold on. I just noticed my Internet router was off, and I don’t have any data on my phone so it wasn’t updating. Okay I just refreshed my page. Yup, everything appears normal, terrorist attack leaves 50 dead. What a relief!