Shop’n’Freude, and Other Observations on Consumerism.

I recently(ish) got a job at the consumerist, as an intern sorting the almighty tipline. I have been a little successful so far, a few of my posts bubbling to the surface in a sort of panic-induced joy. I mean, if I am doing a bad job, not of them will get to the front page, right? So, in what little time I have of solitude, I have been meditating on what would make a good story, or more generally, what it means to exist as a consumer – what is customer service, what is good customer service, what is a lie, and what is true? What laws does one lose when they enter a retail establishment, and what responsibilities do businesses have to the consumer, and vice versa?

This came to a boiling point- more appropriately, a climax- when I was visiting a friend who had recently came back from Iraq. He was telling a story (to someone else- my ears are giant) about how a thrifty retailer was selling a t-shirt for 19 bucks, and the shirt meant you got one free lapdance. Apparently, there were rules about lapdances, and someone had a lot of shirts. My mind didn’t bother trying to deduce the specific situation, as much as all the thoughts and feeling coalesced into a single bubble of thought.

The Lapdance shirt had you paying more money for a greater output. Therefor, why not pay less for lesser output? Well, that’s walmart. But what about a severely lowered payment for a severely lesser outcome- in fact, a direct bad think would happen to you? What if you could pay for something in shame? The Horrible amalgam of retail outlets and Shadenfreude: Shop’n’freude. (Schadenbaums also acceptable). This may be my one great idea, so bear with me.

The idea is that the prices would be so low, because you are literally paying in shame. Everything at SNF would have two prices: one would be the regular, big-box retail outlet price, sales et all. Beneath that, however, is a color-coded pricing system that is only available to those precious SNF card club holders. The colors respond to discounts, so that one item (For example, a 56′ HDTV) would have a ridiculously low cost ($300), but more importantly, the color would also respond to a specific list of acts of shame that would be wrought upon you (You are forced to strip into your underwear, cover yourself in KY, and make a slip-and-slide out of the linoleum floors until skin rubs with tile). Things need not be as horrible- Want that shirt for 50 cents? Ok – but the person ringing you out has to give an open palm slap to your face. Have a Nice day.

Here’s the genius of the idea: It’s all videotaped. Live streaming video, like porn, DVD’s put out of all the best ones, Even a bi-weekly tv-show hosted by Bob-fucking-saget! Jesus Christ, it’s the shame of fear factor except now it’s NATIONWIDE, and everyone’s grandma is lining up to get ass-smacked with a piece of Ham to afford the newest iphone! It’s wonderful, delightful, delicious chaos that is marketable and would ruin walmart. Can you imagine? The Retail outlets trying to adopt SNF’s new world order, with target opening “Grievance Lanes” to accommodate the writhing masses, demanding to walk paces around the store with their pants around their ankles to get milk for a nickel? Each one trying to out-do the next one, with people darting to blue-light specials covered in Tar, or maybe Jam, just awaiting whatever the next challenge will be, so ready to forgo their self respect for the new Miley Cyrus CD? Wouldn’t even be illegal. All SNF club-card members would have to sign a waiver, forgoing them for suing SNF, and knowing that they are getting these prices because they are agreeing to perform these acts, and can absolutely buy them at the normal price if they so choose. They forgo all rights to their image, and understand that they could be used in television -fuck it, people wanna be on TV! They’d come dressed and Mimes, or Luchadore, or any god damn costume and perform the ” Walk with a banana between your thighs” trick over and over again, hoping to get introduced by BOBFUCKINGSAGET! And what about returns! What exchanges only, yea, but what if something is out of stock, nothing able to replenish it? Oh man, that’s a special. Charge a ticket for that, because he gets to enact out the revenge on the establishment! Oh, yeah, a little revenge! Buy it up, America!

It’s everything that we hate about America, and it’s everything we’d love to watch. It’s beautiful, it’s horrible, and it’d be a fucking goldmine. So who’s up? Who’s got the balls to take us this low? C’mon people, I just lost myself in a whole rant! This should be addressed.

Jobs are Fun.