EVANSTON, IL—In a study published Thursday that looked into the most prevalent uses of the groundbreaking technology, researchers from Northwestern University confirmed that the majority of time machine owners are primarily using their devices in order to get a couple more hours of sleep. “Among those individuals who have designed and assembled a fully operational machine that is capable of transporting them through the fabric of space and time, we found that most did so as a means of catching up on sleep,” lead researcher Jessica Farber told reporters, who noted that time travelers regularly forgo the exploration of historically significant or pivotal time periods in favor of conveying themselves back a few hours from the present so that they can curl up in their bed or futon and enjoy a little extra rest. “Despite the fact that these intrepid individuals possess the previously unfathomable ability to roam amongst the dinosaurs, prevent the Kennedy assassination, or reunite with a deceased loved one, we found that even when they vault themselves centuries into the past or future, most of them have no greater ambition than bringing along a sleeping bag to Ancient Rome or to the Neo-American Republic of 2500 in order to take a quick cat nap and then return to the present day feeling refreshed and energized.” The study also found that 100 percent of time machine owners have on at least one occasion used their apparatus to visit a fast food restaurant at a point in time before it ceased offering a popular menu item.


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