Most of the childless women I know do find peace with their circumstances, even if it takes some time. Until, that is, someone comes along and demands their curiosity itch be scratched as to why no kids or, worse, declares you emotionally or spiritually unfulfilled with uncalled for comments such as the one I endured.

I believe children are a gift and not a given in life, and those who receive should be grateful. They should not be offering from on high ''Oh, it is such a pity'', ''a tragedy'', ''you would have loved it'', consolations to those without - even if well intended. People need to stop and think what they are really saying to another with ''you don't know love until you have a child'', ''I wasn't complete until I had kids'', ''you are nothing without family'' or the deplorable ''don't you like children?''

A guised compliment does not a sympathetic or empathetic person make. And being a mother doesn't necessarily mean you are a good one or in a position to inform someone else that they would be. A woman's reason for being childless is her own. It is no one else's business to fill in the blanks.

A friend of mine who is a well-known celebrity understands this. I was watching when she was interviewed on TV once. The male host skipped through her bio with the clanger, ''You decided to choose career over family …'' I will never forget my friend's face, frozen in a smile that hid the angry tears I knew were welling. I was aware she had not chosen career over family as he so rudely surmised, but that she had miscarried her much-wanted baby late term and was told she would never have another as a result. Like most women there was a backstory to her situation, one that didn't need ignorant supposition to aggravate.

I was with a girlfriend who had recently been told to give up on IVF and witnessed her pain when the ''you don't know love until you have a child'' remark was dropped at a party. I have often wondered if those making the comments were aware of how they may feel if the roles were reversed and childless women asked: ''What on earth made you want do that?'' or ''it's not all rainbows and unicorns being a mother, you know''.