Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow will be answering all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.

I’m so confused about my gender. Some days, I feel like a girl, and other days I feel like I’m more masculine and maybe like more of a guy. I was assigned female at birth. I’ve always been a tomboy (whatever that means). Is this normal? How do I figure out my gender?

It’s absolutely normal to have your feelings about your gender or ways of expressing your gender change. We’re given such a simplistic way of look at gender — on one side is man/masculine/penis-owner/loud/bowtie-wearer and on the other is woman/feminine/vagina-owner/demure/wears dresses! So how can we get inspiration for more vibrant and creative explorations of gender? A small first step is learning the meaning of different words related to gender. Here’s the thing about labels — you get to decide how helpful they are to you. Knowing the meaning of words doesn’t mean you have to fit perfectly within one category, but it can help you find some spaces and community to explore. Maybe you want to explore some of these words — butch, agender, genderqueer, gendernonconforming, transmasculine, transgender. Or maybe cisgender is something that you identify with — being a woman doesn't have to mean being conventionally feminine. And even though masculinity is feeling really resonant for you right now, you might also find some inspiration in exploring different expressions of femininity or femme identities.

In answering this question, I spoke to friends with gender identities similar and different to mine (I identify as a cis femme queer woman) to get a sense of what helped them in their gender journeys. Many people expressed the importance of finding role models — not necessarily people whose gender mirrors yours exactly, but who can inspire you to find pieces of yourself to explore and celebrate. Check out Teen Vogue’s list of 13 queers to follow on twitter; read Tyler Ford’s interview on being agender or Gabby Rivera’s meditations on being a butch in leggings; follow @pinkmantaray, @thehandsomefeminist, @quingtux, and more on Instagram. And remember all those words from before? Once you find a word that interests you, check out that hashtag on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, etc for more inspiration! Don’t let anyone tell you you have to pick a label and stick with it, and also don’t let anyone tell you that the words you use for yourself aren’t valid.

Finally, try to let yourself have fun exploring your gender, and be gentle with yourself as you explore. You’re allowed to change as much or as little as you want day to day — something like wearing nail polish and/or a bow tie could make a big difference in how you feel! Maybe some looks feel better to just wear around your house at first or maybe you wake up one day and want to have a totally different haircut and wardrobe — that’s all fine! You could ask a few friends to refer to you with different gender pronouns or a different name to try that out. You’re totally allowed to try out different names and pronouns and then change your mind. Or just talk to different people about your gender feelings — if someone doesn’t respond in a way that you like, talk to someone else!

Everyone I talked to reiterated the importance of being gentle with yourself and understanding that your gender and your relationship to your gender will continue to change. Figure out what makes you feel strong, vibrant, and alive in your gender today, nurture that, and find communities of people who want to nurture that too.

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