I know, I know, I promised that I’d stop reading The Remnant. And I did. I’ve been clean for almost a month.

I still am, technically. I didn’t read The Remnant. I read LifeSite News, which happened to be promoting a short video from Remnant TV. I would not recommend you do the same. I’m linking to the LifeSite article for citation purposes, since I will be quoting it quite a bit, but that’s not an endorsement that you should read it or, God forbid, watch the video. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone having a stroke.

This video purports to explain why so many people are against our president, TV’s Donald Trump. I am very against Donald Trump, not as a person but as a president. I didn’t think to wonder why. I thought I knew the reason. I thought it was because he has no government experience; he treats women like slaves; he encourages anti-Islamic and anti-immigrant hysteria; he doesn’t know how to pronounce “huge;” and he’s just generally a rude, vain, ignorant, narcissistic slob. But according to Remnant TV, I’m wrong. The reason I am against TV’s Donald Trump is because of a vast global conspiracy. And they have a video to prove it.

Except that it doesn’t prove it.

Like, not even close.

This video is the most laughable political attack ad I’ve ever seen.

It’s just over six minutes long. It consists entirely of Donald Trump’s inauguration speech, interrupted every few seconds with short contextless clips of American and European politicians from the past twenty years speaking about global economics or “the new world order.” Then, at the end, there’s a black screen with the words “Pray for President Trump… His enemies are Legion… And let’s face it, it could have been worse.” And then there’s a photo of Hillary Clinton.

That’s the whole thing.

I watched the video. I sighed. Then I set myself to the arduous task of reading the article in which it was embedded. The article is by someone named Steve Jalsevac, with whom I am not familiar. He breaks it to us that the ‘war” against Donald Trump is being waged by “massively-financed elites of one general movement – the several decades old movement for an aggressively secular, borderless, de-populationist New World Order and world government.” He “strongly urges” us to watch the informational video which I’ve just described to you, and then he embeds it. He goes on to list the people who are involved in this conspiracy. Here they are:

–The United Nations

–The European Union

–Planned Parenthood “and other contraception-promoting organizations.”

–“All population-control organizations,” which are somehow different from the contraception-promoting ones. Maybe these are the ones who work to limit the population by selling tainted moonshine.

— George Soros and “numerous” organizations he funds, which again don’t seem to include Planned Parenthood, those who promote birth control and those who seek to control the population by some other means.

–“Most of the mainstream media in the West that are controlled by New World Order elites,” but I guess not all the other mainstream media in the West. He doesn’t tell us which ones. As for the Mainstream Media in the East, don’t ask. China and North Korea’s propaganda rags have nothing on CNN. And I guess these aren’t on the Soros payroll either.

–People who believe in global warming.

–“The militant LGBT/radical feminist movements attempting to impose their sexual world view on all nations through the United Nations and by other means.” Again, these are in a different bullet point so they must be totally separate from the birth-control pushers and the population-control pushers and the media. And they don’t get any of that sweet Soros funding.

–Marxists and anarchists, who are usually paid off by George Soros. I don’t know why George Soros has two bullet points of his own, yet Marxists and anarchists have to share one. Seems like bullet-point inequality to me. Marxists and anarchists should seize the means of bullet-point production.

–Public schools. Excuse me, I mean “American public education institutions, especially due to the influence of wealthy, far-leftist teachers unions.” I am blown away to learn that public school teachers’ unions are wealthy. I had no idea. I’ll bet they didn’t either.

–Freemasonry, obviously. Which is odd, because I figured that Donald Trump’s repetitive hand gestures were Masonic signs.

–Militant Islam.

–Billionaires and corporations including Apple. But not Soros; he already had his turn.

–And, of course, the Vatican.

Yes, the Vatican.