It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

NCT 127 – Superhuman

Get Shinee’s “Lucifer“, produce the shit out of the backing track until it shines like gold, then get all the melody and harmony that song had and put it in a mixing pot and swirl it around until it resembles a bland mush, and then release it, fuck it.

Eunjung – Desire

Eunjung clearly just played Dreamcatcher’s albums to her engineers and told them “can I have some of what they’re having?”

GOT7 – Eclipse

Just another boring song.

Lovelyz – Beautiful Days

Just a little more oomph in the backings for the chorus and this could have been amazing.

Astro – One In A Million

It’s actually one of the better songs in this roundup despite not being very good.

Cherry Bullet – Really Really

Well it’s better than their other crap song. What’s with the gamer concepts though, aiming for that nerd demographic I guess. I guess they figure if you’ve got money for a new graphics card and gaming monitor you might have spare change for some Cherry Bullet merch.

Lim Kim – Sal-Ki

Much like Nada’s “Trippin” this is a song where 100% of the interest is in the backing track. Unfortunately, unlike “Trippin”, it’s not very good.

3YE – Do My Thang

Wow this is terrible. Apparently this is what Apple.B have morphed into. Maybe they should be called Apple F-.

Berry Good – Oh! Oh!

Actually pretty good until a below-average chorus crashes the party and ruins it.

Hyolyn – You Know Better

I was going to write about how I didn’t like this, but Hyolyn just emailed me and said that she wants to meet me, so I’d better be nice.

AB6IX – Breathe

Yeah it’s nothing that great.

Beenzino & E-Sens – OKGO

This came out last week and I didn’t review it on purpose because I figured nobody would care. Then you all messaged me saying that you wanted this here this week. Not sure why it’s the usual Autotuned crap and I have nothing innovative or interesting to say about it.

Hitchhiker – Nada

Cool production as always but I’m not so sure about the choice of vocals, oh well. It’ll annoy some radio listeners, Hitchhiker is always reliable for that.

Wheein – 25

Not sure why it’s called 25, maybe it’s supposed to be Wheein’s age, or maybe it’s the amount of seconds the average listener lasts before falling asleep.

Katie – Thinkin Bout You

Katie isn’t on YG anymore and that’s probably a good thing for her, but it’s also a shame because for all their faults YG sometimes write a reasonable song in between organising rapes.

5tion – Wanna Know You

It’s okay. Could have been really good but it’s missing something.

Kim Sun Jae – Radio

He looks how I feel when I listen to this.

Kisses – Painting

A terrible song and a video really designed only so you can look at this girl a lot. Pretty much just porn.

Soyoon – zz’city

I don’t know who this is but this is crap.

Wonji – Hold My Hand

I don’t like to say “who is this nugu” because it can be seen as derogatory, but who is this nugu.

Yoon Hyun Sang – Sad But Pretending I’m Not

It’s okay – you don’t have to pretend. This shit song makes me sad too.

Stella Jang – Fine Dust

Well, the dancing’s nice I suppose.

Mail – DM

The mail has arrived and it’s just bills again, plus a creepy letter from that ex you’d rather not hear from.

Bumjin – Regret

She seems regretful that she’s in this video for this boring crap. We should all be crying with her.

Ants – Trip

A very unexciting trip of scrolling images with dull music.

Goho – Dive

This guy sounds like he’s about to stop singing and just break down and cry. Actually maybe that’s a good idea.

Soyou & Ovan – Rain Drop

Soyou is sadly coming down with “hot girl who never appears in her own videos” syndrome. There needs to be an expose.

Onewe – Ring On My Ears

I don’t like that floor, it’s fucking with my audio engineer’s OH&S compliance instincts.

Onewe – Reminisce About All

This is much better. The floor I mean, not the song – the song is still bullshit unfortunately.

Nu’est – Talk About Love

Let’s talk about overuse of Autotune, stupid falsetto vocals, and R&B shit. Oh, rather not talk anymore? Well okay.

Cherry B – Lovin U

I’m not sure if this is even meant to be a song or just a very scary first person dating simulator.

Beijo – Meu Samba

It took me a while to realise why I found this so uncomfortable to listen to but then I realised it’s that fucking dog-woofing noise, or whatever the fuck that is. People will just make a song with anything these days, won’t they.

Woo-ah – Issue

Actually really cool but the harmony lets it down a little. Something other than sitting on one chord for half of it would have helped.

A lot of rappers do a thing

And it’s not that great. Can that last guy even rap?

Jay Park & Hit-Boy – K-Town

This makes me never want to go to a club again.

Sik-K – Love Aches

Really painful. Why do rappers suck so much now.

The Quiett, Sik-K, Beenzino, CHANGMO – The Fearless Ones

Yeah yeah, you’re not that cool, just stop it until you get some proper hard beats. Even western rappers are finally realising that they fucked up by being too soft, but sadly the damage is now done worldwide.

Turboy ft. Turboy Friends – Flower

Girl standing in a field of flowers, it’s gotta be another boring ballad, right? Yeah nah. I’ll just say that if you take a wild random guess at the musical directions that this song will take by 30, 60 and 90 seconds in you’ll probably be completely wrong on all three counts. I’d already featured Turboy with the incredibly awful “Bean Bean Bean” but I reckon they’ve redeemed themselves with this one just because it’s so far out of the field (literally) that it’s impossible not to like it.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Loona – NCT 127 Cherry Bomb Dance Cover

Those Loona girls are back at it again, showing just how great k-pop girls look when dancing to k-pop boy group dance routines. People couldn’t believe that I liked this song when it came out but hopefully some who doubted will now see that there was nothing wrong with the song and it was just their difficulty watching a bunch of teased, primped young boys do this instead of stannable Loona that biased them against “Cherry Bomb”.

That’s all for this week’s roundup – more songs next week!