Anna Kaladish, Contributing Writer

Our senior class gift should be a stand on the Mall with all shapes and varieties of long skirts to be doled out to needy passersby. Academia addles the mind, leading to the neglect of food and sleep and even, as it turns out, pants! Harried young ladies dashing about in pursuit of knowledge are so preoccupied with lofty thoughts that there is a pandemic of forgetting to wear trousers. Unfortunately, the more likely explanation is that a shocking number of otherwise intelligent and respectable females have been deluded into a heinous fashion trend that condones the wearing of exposed, skin-tight leggings.

Leggings are not pants. They are obscene. I assure the offenders in this crime against decency that no mature and self-respecting individual wishes to see so distinctly the contours of your derrière. Wearing a slightly long, sheer tunic over your spandex leg sleeves does little to offset the unpleasantness of such snug attire. A small T-shirt does far less. Mall á la Mode? What our newspaper needs is Mall á la Modesty!

Leggings are by no means the only offender, though arguably the most pernicious and prevalent. Soon the Texas spring will heat up, and suddenly women will believe that a square foot of material suffices to clothe the entire lower half of their bodies. Short shorts, indistinguishable from miniscule undergarments, will become the norm in every building on campus, from the cafeteria to the church.

Leggings have the benefit of being ascribed to the cult of comfort. (Alhough, if your wardrobe is making everyone else uncomfortable by its extreme tightness, you may have a seriously disordered and egocentric understanding of comfort.) “Booty” shorts and “Daisy Dukes,” however, cannot possibly be described as comfortable.

Sitting in Anselm on a balmy day in late spring, you may have to listen to the horrible noise created by your unfortunate neighbor’s exposed thighs making prolonged contact with the patent leather seats. If you think your discomfort in this situation is immense, think of the poor woman whose thighs are sticking to a filthy plastic chair! There is no need to subject ourselves to this torture. Let the madness end.

I would advocate an organized legging-burning in front of the Tower as a statement against this atrocity, but leggings are useful for warmth when worn appropriately under other items of clothing. We needn’t be rash and wasteful in stamping out the foul legging pestilence. Additionally, such a burning may come off as reminiscent of the bra-burning demonstrations of yesteryear. To align the two causes would be misleading, for my complaint against leggings comes not from a feminist crusade. No, my complaint is on behalf of all mankind.

While the long-skirt stand I suggested at the beginning of this article is unfeasible, I encourage you to take it upon yourself to become a “long skirt.” “Long skirt” is traditionally used as a derogatory term to describe devout women who wear ankle-length skirts; however, although I do not own a single long skirt, in writing this article I will be lampooned as a “long skirt.” Therefore, “long skirt” signifies more than a daily clothing choice; it is a frame of mind that values modesty for the sake of holiness.

You can be a long skirt, and you should encourage all the women in your life to adopt the modesty and prudence of long skirtness for the sake of their beauty and the benefit of everyone who has to look at them. Modesty does not always entail long, flowing garments, but it is perennially amenable to good taste and high class.

If you, patient reader, are desirous of modesty and wholesome Christian living and take but one thing away from this rambling tirade against indecency, let it be this kernel of wisdom: When you embark each morning on your life’s adventures, ask yourself before leaving your room, “Did I remember to put on pants today?”