"You should rest, Leopardstar," the mottled brown medicine cat said to her as she paced around in his den, her dappled tail twitching anxiously.

"I don't have time to rest, Mudfur," Leopardstar sighed in exasperation. "I have so much to do."

"Well, what use will you be to RiverClan if you are dead on your paws?" Mudfur said, an edge of sharpness to his tone.

Leopardstar's ear twitched. She recognized that voice as the same one he would use to scold her when she was only a kit. Leopardstar set her jaw.

But, she wasn't his helpless little kit anymore. She was RiverClan's leader. His leader.

"I'll be even more useless resting," Leopardstar snapped back, the fur down her back bristling. "ThunderClan and WindClan won't stop casting us hostile glances from across the river. We may have fought against BloodClan together, but they clearly have not forgotten that I joined RiverClan with Tigerstar, who was the very cat that brought BloodClan here in the first place. And, my only 'allies,' if you can even call them that, are on the other side of the forest. But, Blackstar doesn't even talk to me at the Gathering anymore. Not that I ever really cared for him, but he is so eager to cut himself off from anything that reminds him of Tigerstar, RiverClan is left to stand alone."

Mudfur opened his jaws to interrupt, but Leopardstar barreled on, her tail lashing.

"And, as if these outside threats are not enough, the inside of our Clan is riddled with strife as well. I've got disobedient warriors who think that I'm weak and that I shamed myself and our Clan for submitting to Tigerstar. And, to top it all off, I've got a deputy that won't even meet my gaze… I was foolish to appoint Mistyfoot to that position. She is a fine warrior sure, but she hates me, Mudfur. I thought with her leading beside me, we could bind RiverClan together after all the bloodshed TigerClan caused, but she won't forgive me for Stonefur's death…"

"Leopardstar, take a deep breath," Mudfur murmured, interrupting her rant.

Leopardstar realized all of her fur was standing on end, and she was digging her claws deeply into the sandy ground of the den. Leopardstar sighed, sheathing her claws and flattening her bristling fur with some difficulty.

"I know RiverClan faces many threats, but you need your strength to deal with these things now more than ever," Mudfur continued in a low voice. "Remember, you are sleeping and eating for more than just yourself now."

"Don't remind me." Leopardstar's voice dripped with dread as she closed her eyes against the thought. "Just another disaster to add to my growing list of problems."

"Well what's done can't be undone," Mudfur mumbled, his tail twitching faintly. "When are you planning on telling the Clan?"

"Is 'never' an option?" Leopardstar asked drily, opening her eyes and shooting her father a look.

Mudfur tilted his dappled brown head at Leopardstar, flattening one ear.

"I think the Clan will probably notice when kits suddenly appear in your den one sunrise," he responded just as drily.

Leopardstar sighed. It was a heavy, weary sigh that shook her down to her bones. She turned away from her father, unable to keep looking at him.

"Seriously, Mudfur, what am I going to do? Nothing will rip our Clan apart more than finding out that their leader is expecting the kits of the cat that caused the deaths of their friends and family," Leopardstar murmured, her chin bobbing to her chest as her head drooped. "I've ruined RiverClan."

Leopardstar waited for his response, but Mudfur was quiet for a long while.

She stirred in surprise when he suddenly appeared at her side, draping his thick-furred tail over her back.

"…Lie." Mudfur's voice was barely above a whisper.

Leopardstar's heart clenched to hear the suggestion coming out of her noble, honest, honorable father's mouth. She knew she had done this to him. She had contaminated him, dragged him down to her dirty level.

His eyes searched his daughter's, their dark amber colors identical.

She saw the desperation in his gaze. He would truly do anything for her. Was that the reason why he stood aside when she brought Tigerstar into her Clan? Is that why he so easily forgave her after all the bloodshed? Why he hardly blinked when she told him about the kits? How much more could she push; how many more disasters would it take for Leopardstar to finally drive him away too? And, what would she do then, when she was finally, truly, utterly alone?

"They don't have to know that it was Tigerstar," Mudfur murmured. "Tell them that was someone who died in the battle with BloodClan. Say it was Reedtail. You two were always good friends; it's believable."

Leopardstar's tail twitched, and she sighed again. Lying still wouldn't solve her problems. She cast her gaze down to the ground, but she didn't move away from Mudfur, allowing the gentle, familiar pressure of his tail to remain draped across her back.

"So, then I have the kits and then what? What sort of leader wastes moons in the nursery when their Clan is in a state like ours? The weather is already turning colder, soon leaf-bare will be here in full force. They already call me weak now, just imagine what they will say then," Leopardstar said, a slight growl entering her voice. "I will lose all authority."

"Well, either way, the kits aren't just going to disappear just because you really wish it," Mudfur said sternly, but then his voice turned more gentle. "Besides, look on the bright side, maybe new kits are just what the Clan needs to bring it together. Inspire hope for the future."

Leopardstar's ears twitched backwards doubtfully.

"You still have time to think things over and come up with a plan. And, who knows, maybe RiverClan will be in a better place by then. The kits won't be here for another moon at least," Mudfur said.

Mudfur brushed his muzzle against her cheek. Leopardstar sighed quietly at the comforting touch, feeling an overwhelming desire to lean against his side and bury her face in his pelt to hide from the world. But, she resisted.

She was RiverClan's leader, she reminded herself, and Mudfur was RiverClan's medicine cat. She wasn't a kit in need of comfort from her father. Leopardstar drew away from him, his familiar scent fading in her nose.

"Thank you for your council," Leopardstar murmured, raising her chin in what she hoped was a commanding expression. "I will let you know what my decision is… at some point. In the meanwhile, I would appreciate your continued discretion."

Mudfur bowed his head to Leopardstar.

"Of course," he murmured.

Leopardstar turned and brushed through the reeds that sheltered the entrance of the medicine cat's den and out into the camp.

"Mistyfoot," Leopardstar called as she saw the sleek blue-grey she-cat heading towards the fresh-kill pile to deposit a couple of newly caught fish, a good haul for leaf-bare, Leopardstar noted. "Can I see you in my den for a moment?"

Mistyfoot blinked her blue eyes at Leopardstar, giving a nod.

Leopardstar waited for Mistyfoot in her nest in the reed-woven den, her tail-tip twitching with impatience and anxiety. Leopardstar knew regardless of what she decided to do with the kits, her Clan would need strong, united leadership to get through it. Which meant mending the chasm between her and her deputy.

Leopardstar closed her eyes, sighing heavily to herself.

It might be an easier task to move the sky.

Mistyfoot strode into the den, blinking her eyes questioningly at Leopardstar as she read the tension in her leader's shoulders.

"Is something wrong, Leopardstar?" Mistyfoot asked, taking a seat in front of her.

Leopardstar sighed again, her tail-tip twitching.

"I'm going to be blunt with you, Mistyfoot," Leopardstar said.

"I never expect anything less from you, Leopardstar," Mistyfoot replied.

Leopardstar shot her a sharp look, searching for mockery in her expression, but the blue-grey she-cat's face was smooth and expressionless, her words calm.

"…What can I do to regain your trust?" Leopardstar asked.

Mistyfoot blinked her eyes rapidly at Leopardstar like she didn't quite understand the question.

"Since Stonefur's death, you have been so distant," Leopardstar went on, looking away from her and down at her paws. "We used to be good friends before. I would like to be that way again."

"Well, our friendship didn't stop you from imprisoning me!" Mistyfoot snapped, sending Leopardstar's eyes flashing back over towards her. "And, you were also good friends with Stonefur, but that didn't stop you from killing him."

Leopardstar saw Mistyfoot's calm demeanor had been rapidly washed away, and now a storm raged across her face. Her blue-grey fur bristled slightly, but Leopardstar noticed she had set her jaw like she was trying desperately to keep her emotions under control.

Leopardstar's ears flattened, her lip curling up slightly. A part of her wanted to argue with Mistyfoot. Ask her how she expected her to stand up to Tigerstar and the might of ShadowClan. Or, explain how Tigerstar had told her it was a necessary evil, done to strengthen the cats that remained. That she would be doing it so that the rest of RiverClan would be stronger.

But, Leopardstar knew that any argument she tried to make would fall on deaf ears, and only work to push Mistyfoot further away.

And, besides… Leopardstar felt the truth circling in her mind like a dark vulture. Deep down, she knew that those arguments were only justifications that she tried to tell herself. To convince herself that she had tried to do the right thing… So that she could live another day with the horrors of her actions.

Leopardstar clenched her jaw.

So, she didn't have to face the facts that she was blind. And, a coward.

Leopardstar dug her claws into the mossy nest beneath her. The only thing that stood a chance of healing the wound between her and her deputy was true, honest vulnerability. She couldn't pretend to be the fierce leader she wished she was. Mistyfoot was smart and clear-eyed. She would see through that facade.

Leopardstar bowed her head, accepting the full force of her deputy's anger.

"I know," Leopardstar admitted, her voice hoarse. "And, I am truly so sorry. I betrayed Stonefur. And, you."

Leopardstar looked away from Mistyfoot's gaze, unable to meet her eyes. She stared down at her golden paws instead.

"I know that I can't change what happened," Leopardstar said, her voice rasping quietly. "But, please, Mistyfoot, if not for me, for the good of RiverClan, we need to be able to trust each other."

Mistyfoot was silent for a long few heartbeats. Leopardstar's gaze flickered back up to her as the silence stretched on, and when their gazes met, Leopardstar saw Mistyfoot's blue eyes were two chips of frozen ice.

"My loyalty has always been with RiverClan. It was for the good of RiverClan that I accepted this position as deputy," Mistyfoot began, her voice flat. "It is for the good of RiverClan that I continue to work with you. Calm and agreeable, despite what you've done. This is because RiverClan is and always has been my home. My family. As it was Stonefur's… But, do not ask me to trust you, Leopardstar. Stonefur did, and look where that got him. I will work each day to make sure RiverClan is safe and strong, but each day I will also watch you. To make sure what happened in TigerClan never happens again. To make sure you never betray any one of my clan-mates again."

Mistyfoot rose to her feet, her chin held high as she gave Leopardstar one final icy look.

"You want to know what you can do to regain my trust?" Mistyfoot's fangs flashed as she curled her lip up in a snarl. "Bring my brother back."

Everyday that passed, the mounting pressure only grew in Leopardstar's mind. Every sunrise was a day closer to the kits being born; a day closer to when she had to make a decision.

Leopardstar was sprawled out across one of the sunning-stones at the edge of camp in the weak leaf-bare sun, her eyes half-shut, trying to quiet the anxious buzzing in her mind when some commotion across the camp pricked her attention. She saw Heavystep and Blackclaw facing off in front of the dwindling fresh-kill pile. The two tom's fur was bristling, and they looked only heartbeats away from the quarrel turning to physical blows. The river had been frozen over for a few days now, and without fish, tensions were running high as bellies stayed empty.

"I'm not going to let your fat tail take another piece of prey!" Blackclaw spat to Heavystep. "I saw you already took something to eat at dawn!"

"It was a scrawny mouse that I split with Dawnpaw." Heavystep's voice was a furious rumble. "And, I've been on a patrol and a hunt since then! The elders and queen are fed, there is no reason why that I can't eat!"

"You can't eat, you fat fish-face because I say so!" Blackclaw snarled. "Save some for the rest of us!"

Heavystep snarled back, and the big tom crouched down like he was preparing to leap at Blackclaw.

"That's enough!" Leopardstar snapped, clambering to her paws and stalking over to the bickering toms, her tail twitching. "I will not have my warriors at each other's throats like this!"

Heavystep reluctantly straightened, but Blackclaw turned towards Leopardstar with a sneer plastered on his muzzle.

"Since when do you care about warriors fighting?" he taunted. "I thought you enjoyed having us 'at each other's throats.' The strongest will survive and TigerClan will be better for it, right?"

Leopardstar's jaw fell open in shock. She struggled to find the words to respond, but her mind was filled with only blank, stunned silence.

"Blackclaw!" Mistyfoot's voice snapped across camp like shattering ice. "How dare you speak to your leader that way."

The bristling blue-grey she-cat stalked right up to Blackclaw, shoving her muzzle into his face.

"You are not in charge here. In case you have forgotten, the warrior code demands loyalty to your leader. Unless you somehow gained nine lives over-night, I expect you to listen to Leopardstar," Mistyfoot growled.

Blackclaw flattened his ears and bent his head.

"Sorry, Mistyfoot," he murmured. "It won't happen again."

"Good," Mistyfoot said, raising her chin.

"I know we are all tired and hungry, but the river won't stay frozen forever," Mistyfoot said, projecting her voice to address all of the cats in camp. "In the meanwhile, let's try to keep our spirits up and look for land-prey."

Mistyfoot turned back towards Blackclaw.

"Blackclaw, why don't you lead a patrol to the rock pile by the edge of the river near the two-leg bridge?" she asked. "No one has hunted there in a while, and the rocks will be warm from the sun. If we're lucky, you might be able to find some voles sunning themselves."

Blackclaw nodded in agreement.

Leopardstar watched him and Heavystep pad off, their argument adverted, but Leopardstar's whole body was still tense, her jaw clenched in anger.

"Mistyfoot, a word," Leopardstar murmured, before turning and padding off to her den, leaving her deputy to follow.

The two cats entered the reed-woven den, where Leopardstar turned to glare at Mistyfoot.

"Thank you for your defense out there, but I can fight my own battles," Leopardstar growled, narrowing her eyes.

Mistyfoot snorted, taking a seat inside the den.

"With all due respect Leopardstar, you can't. Not right now, not against our clan-mates." The scornfulness in Mistyfoot's voice was clear.

"Respect is exactly the problem," Leopardstar hissed. "They have lost all respect for me, and how can I expect to regain it, if you have to swoop in and defend me at ever turn! All that accomplishes is to make them respect you and view me as a helpless kit in need of saving, unable to even stand up for myself."

"No, that's not it at all," Mistyfoot said with a hint of a growl. "You won't regain their respect with fangs and claws and shows of strength. When I defend you, that doesn't make them think that you're weak. The reason you don't have their respect is because they feel like you don't care about them!"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Leopardstar said. "Of course I care about them!"

"Well you have a funny way of showing it," Mistyfoot said, her eyes narrowing. "You gave the rule of our Clan over to Tigerstar. And, now when you should be making amends for that and showing that you are fully devoted to your clan-mates, instead you are lethargic and withdrawn. And, when you do speak to the Clan, it is only to yell at someone. You spend most of your day sleeping or lying in the sun alone. The only cat you seem to be able to hold a conversation with at all is Mudfur."

Leopardstar felt the fur down her back bristle defensively.

"So why do you spend so much time with only him? Are you sick?" Mistyfoot demanded.

"No!" Leopardstar barked quickly.

A trickle of icy fear ran down her spine at the thought of Mistyfoot finding out about her pregnancy now, before she was ready to tell anyone.

"Then you have no excuse!" Mistyfoot snapped, rising to her paws. "There's no reason for you to be so distant. It's like your head is in the clouds when now more than ever should be completely focused on the clan!"

"I am focused on the clan," Leopardstar argued weakly in reply.

A part of her wanted to go on, and tell Mistyfoot the truth. How she was expecting kits, and how the pregnancy was weighing on her. How she felt paralyzed at every turn, trying to decide what was best for the Clan.

"You don't act like it," Mistyfoot shot back. "When was the last time you went on a patrol with our clan-mates? Talked to them? Took an interest in the apprentices? Featherpaw and Stormpaw are reaching the end of their training. Where you even aware of that?"

Leopardstar's worry faded as instead hot anger started to fill her at Mistyfoot's insolent tone.

"Don't you try to order me around too, Mistyfoot. As you said, I am RiverClan's leader. Not you," Leopardstar growled, allowing some of her fangs to flash.

"Then start acting like it," Mistyfoot snapped, before turning around and stalking out of the den without another word.

Leopardstar dreamt of Stonefur. For once, it wasn't a nightmare about his death, which was how most of her dreams about him normally went. Instead she dreamt of a time moons before that, when she was a new leader, and Stonefur her new deputy.

He was laughing at something, although now, Leopardstar couldn't remember what he had found so funny. Maybe it was something his new apprentice Stormpaw did, or maybe another warrior had made a perfectly timed joke that struck him just right.

Leopardstar thought maybe the memory stuck with her since it was a somewhat unusual sight. Stonefur was normally rather straight-faced and serious about everything. But, on that green-leaf evening, his bright blue eyes glinted and his board shoulders shook with amusement, and it made Leopardstar think, that in that moment, he looked rather like Oakheart.

Oakheart had been a much more jovial cat than Stonefur, and, truthfully, most of the time Leopardstar had trouble telling that her steel-grey deputy and the reddish-brown tabby were even related. Except when Stonefur laughed, then he looked just like his father.

In the dream-memory, Stonefur's smiling blue eyes had searched out Leopardstar in the crowd of cats lounging around camp and met his gaze with hers, his eyes shimmering as if he wanted to share his amusement with her through them. Leopardstar had purred back at him, feeling warmth spreading through her chest. And, for a moment, everything felt right in the world.

Leopardstar awoke alone in her nest on a cold winter morning.

More than a half a moon had elapsed since her conversation with Mudfur about what she should say to the Clan about the kits, and Leopardstar knew her time was running out in more ways than one. The pregnancy was starting to show on her body. Her paws felt slow and clumsy, and her belly was growing more plump. Everyday she feared that one of her clan-mates would look at her and recognize the signs, leading her to finally confront them… but so far, no one had.

Honestly, she half-wished that they would. At least in that case, it would force her to do something. Instead of just leaving her stuck here in this horrid mire of indecision, utterly paralyzed and miserable.

Mudfur had gone to the Moonstone at the half-moon only a few sunrises ago. That had also been a nerve-wracking occasion for Leopardstar. She couldn't help but thinking about Stonefur seeking Mudfur out in StarClan, and what terrible things he would say about her to her father. Or, about Mudfur receiving horrible prophecies about Leopardstar or RiverClan.

Leopardstar buried her face in her paws.

Mudfur had said nothing to Leopardstar when he returned, about anything good or bad. Leopardstar couldn't decide if that was a good omen or a terrible one.

Oh StarClan, what should I do? Leopardstar lamented, squeezing her eyes shut tightly.

Maybe I should ask Mudfur about his visit to StarClan… he may be able to bring me some comfort. It must be better to know than not know… right?

Leopardstar rose out of her nest, giving her pelt a shake. She braced herself, then walked out of the den and into the cold leaf-bare air. An icy breeze nipped at her whiskers as she swiftly padded across camp and towards the medicine cat's den. The camp was empty currently; it was getting colder and colder by the day, so cats that weren't patrolling or hunting currently preferred to stay inside their cozy dens. This didn't bother Leopardstar much; she had been trying to do the same, to hide that fact that her body was showing increasingly obvious signs that she's expecting kits.

"Mudfur?" Leopardstar called at the entrance to his den, but didn't wait for a response before pushing her way inside.

Mudfur was sitting in the center of his den, many different kinds of dried herbs at his paws. He seemed to have been sifting through his stores.

"Hello Leopardstar," he said without looking up from the leaves in front of him, his paws dexterously sorting the leaves into neat piles. "This early frost is not doing my herb stores any favors. I'm low on both tansy and catmint, and I can't find any living plants in our territory. I hope sickness stays away from our camp this season. I won't be able to cure any cases of green-cough without catmint."

Mudfur shook his head like he was trying to dislodge the unpleasant thoughts. He looked up from the herbs.

"But, enough about that. What can I do for you? How are you feeling?" he meowed, rising to his paws to pad over and give her a thorough exam, circling her.

"I'm tired but fine." Leopardstar waved her tail at Mudfur to shoo him away.

"Being tired is normal," he meowed, taking a seat again in front of her.

Leopardstar's ears flattened, and she ignored him.

"I wanted to ask about your journey to the Moonstone," she said. "Did StarClan share anything of importance with you?"

"You know that StarClan's conversations with their medicine cats are private," Mudfur chided lightly.

"Yes, yes," Leopardstar said, a hint of impatience in her voice. "But, these are stressful times… I was just hoping…"

"For something to set your mind at ease?" Mudfur suggested gently.

"Or, to know if something disastrous is about to befall us," Leopardstar responded drily with a tail twitch. "I would need to know either way."

"You know that I would tell you if I was told anything that effected you or the Clan," Mudfur said.

Leopardstar sighed softly. She wanted to believe him. She never once doubted his loyalty to her or their Clan… but she did have a nagging doubt about if he would be totally truthful to her if StarClan told him something horrible about her. After all, he was her father. It was in his nature to try to protect her.

"Very well. Thank you," Leopardstar said, turning to leave.

"Wait, is that all you wanted to ask me about?" Mudfur said.

Leopardstar turned her head to look at him from over her shoulder and blinked her eyes in a way that said yes.

"Have you come to a decision?" he meowed.

'…About the kits?' was implied but not said.

Leopardstar sighed again.

"No," she grumbled, taking another step away, but Mudfur pressed the issue.

"You can't stop them from coming you know," he said.

"I am aware," Leopardstar hissed through her teeth. "But, what do you want me to say? That I'm excited to have them? To be a mother? To make my clan-mates hate me more than they already do?"

"Things don't have to be as world-shattering as you seem to insist on making it, Leopardstar," Mudfur huffed. "You have options. The Clan doesn't have to know their true father. You don't even have to spend all your time in the nursery with them. I'm sure there are plenty of queens that would be happy to watch over them for you while you attend to your duties—"

"We've been through this all before," Leopardstar hissed, cutting him off. "You don't understand. It's not about 'how things maybe work out okay.' There's no room for 'maybe.' It doesn't matter if I want these kits or not. What matters is that I have to do everything in my power to put my Clan first."

Leopardstar looked away from him.

"Because I've been doing a really horrid job at doing that lately. I have to make it up to them somehow," she mumbled.

"But, Leopardstar, taking care of the Clan doesn't mean having to sacrifice all of your happiness," Mudfur said, his voice becoming more gentle.

Leopardstar felt something snap inside of her.

"What makes you think these kits would make me happy?" Leopardstar snarled, whirling on Mudfur.

"You saw what their father is like, you don't think they might end up like him? That they might ruin RiverClan? Tigerstar and I've already started the job, all they've got to do is finish it!" Leopardstar spat, her eyes wild and wide.

"Calm down," Mudfur hissed through his fangs.

Leopardstar forced herself to take a step back from him. She shook her head fiercely. She knew she was being irrational and that her father didn't deserve to be yowled at, but at the same time, she couldn't help it. She just felt all the bitter, hurt, sad, horrible feelings swirling violently inside her like an out-of-control hurricane. And, she was just a cat; how could Mudfur expect her to control it? All she could do was cower beneath the black clouds. Completely at their mercy.

"You know what would make me happy?" Leopardstar growled. "To go back before all this. Before TigerClan. Before Tigerstar. All of it."

Mudfur stepped closer to her, brushing his tail over her side reassuringly, although Leopardstar remained tense and stiff.

"Not even StarClan can turn back time. No one can take the dead, dry, brown leaves off of the ground and put them back onto the trees and make them alive again. No matter how much we want to sometimes." Mudfur murmured. "But, you know what does happen? Every leaf-bare becomes new-leaf, which becomes green-leaf."

Mudfur's amber eyes searched Leopardstar's.

"I know it seems impossible right now. But, one day you will look around, and you will realize that, somehow, the trees have leaves on them again," Mudfur said in a deep, solemn voice.

He touched his muzzle to Leopardstar's cheek.

"And, everything will be okay," he murmured.

Leopardstar screwed her eyes shut, her emotions sweeping uncontrollably over her again. But, this time, instead of feeling like screaming, she felt like wailing like a lost kit. She squashed the urge and buried her face into Mudfur's neck and shoulder instead. She stayed like that for several moments, trying to get her trembling breaths under control. When she finally lifted her head, all she felt was drained and numb. She gazed into Mudfur's eyes, her whiskers drooping.

"But, how will I ever get to that new green-leaf, when I can't make amends for the things I've done?" she whispered.

Before Mudfur could respond, Leopardstar turned and strode out of the den.

Author's Note:

This is going to be a pretty brief story (think Novella length.) So tune in soon for the Part 2 conclusion! Thanks for reading!