pregnant

A transgender father who experienced giving birth pre and post-transition has revealed that he preferred being pregnant while presenting as male despite the harassment and abuse that faced.

Kaci Sullivan began his transition four years ago after breaking up with his ex-husband who he had his first child, Grayson, with.

The Missouri based student conceived and gave birth to his now five-year-old son before he had come out as transgender.

Sullivan never truly lived as a female, just presented as female until he came out, and his first pregnancy accentuated feelings of dysphoria.

Talking on the Victoria Derbyshire Show, he explained: “Nothing about my first pregnancy felt hopeful or within my control. My body didn’t look anything like I wanted it to.”

The 30-year-old said that the first pregnancy was an accident and he feared that when he gave birth he would not be able to bond with his baby.

“I was so depressed, I didn’t know if I could bond with the baby once I had them. So terrified.

“The pregnancy itself was sort of an ‘oopsie’ pregnancy; I wasn’t trying for it. I didn’t mean it to happen,” he added.

Related: Everyone in this family of four is transgender

After the horrific experience of his first pregnancy, which caused him “crushing anxiety”, Sullivan made sure that he was “emotionally prepared” the second time around.

“This time I was trying to make it work for my own expectations, at least a lot more things were in my control,” he explained.

Throughout his second pregnancy, Sullivan faced horrific threats and abuse both online and in public.

However, he said that pregnancy as a man was a far more rewarding experience despite the abuse.

Related: These trans dads tell their beautiful stories about giving birth

“I just laugh at them. I don’t bother reading them,” he said of the negative comments. “You’ll find that you can be anyone doing anything and there’s going to be a subset of the populace who takes issue with you doing it.”

“The more controversial what you’re doing is, the more that can be expected. It doesn’t really bother me. I don’t particularly care. It’s their problem. It’s a personal issue. It doesn’t affect me,” he added.

Sullivan and his partner, Steven, have decided that they will raise their second child gender-neutral so that hopefully they can promote freedom in gender identity.

He said: “It’s about personal autonomy. We can’t say what someone’s gender identity will be or how they will see themselves.

“We can guess, most of the time we will probably be right, but sometimes we are wrong and it’s not right for that reason.”

Related: This photo of a trans dad breastfeeding his son tells a great story of love and acceptance

He added: “Until they hit puberty, what point does that really have anyway? Why are we concerned if a child is male or female unless there are some attempts to sexualize them?

“I don’t think children have a tendency to genderize themselves a whole lot. I don’t think there is going to be any damage done to them because they were able to choose that for themselves.”