‘MERICA — Former Trump University founder Donald Trump called for NFL owners to fire players who choose to kneel during the National Anthem. This was the first time in recent memory that a person in Trump’s position called for the firing of privately employed persons. However, many are taking exception to the fact that he was hesitant to condemn the Charlottesville white supremacists and racism in general, while also taking exception to players protesting police brutality. The outrage, mostly from conservative pundits, has claimed that kneeling during the national anthem is “disrespectful to the flag” — a view that suggests that the country itself is indeed more important than its citizenry. On Monday morning, however, the American flag spoke out to express what makes it feel personally disrespected.

“Peaceful protest and freedom of speech are what this country is built upon. From the Boston Tea Party all the way up through the Civil Rights Movement, patriotic Americans have made this country better by standing up for what they believe in. Whether or not the methodology is something you agree with or not, protests creates dialogue, often leading to positive change. In this case, the reason I don’t take it personally is that I know they don’t mean any disrespect towards me, but rather, the fact that police brutality is harming minority communities and it’s an issue close to their hearts,” said the American flag.

“But you know what I do take personally? Every single time I see one of these frat boys wearing me as shorts. First of all, it’s a rule that besides being laid flat instead of hung up to wave proudly, I’m not even supposed to be worn as a clothing item. Secondly, I just don’t wanna be all up on your junk. Furthermore, I end up looking like the go-to apparel for trust fund babies as they get completely obliterated at tailgates and Spring Break. That shit is mad disrespectful.”

At press time, entire football teams knelt in solidarity as Trump called them “sons of bitches” and said he hopes the owners will get control of those “uppity” players. Meanwhile, American flag shorts sales doubled nationwide as frat boys everywhere eagerly scrambled to wear their patriotism for all to see.