If the people in the Trump administration share one thing in common (other than the obvious), it is their inspiring passion for the art of the grift. And given their boss’ well-documented fondness for rapid turnover and palace intrigue, many of these misfits, outcasts, and unapologetic white supremacists have taken to treating their jobs in Washington like malfunctioning ATMs that might stop hemorrhaging twenties at any minute.

Eighteen months after Trump’s inauguration, it might be easier to list the officials, current and former, who don’t have a charter flight scandal to their names than it is to list the poor saps who are still flying commercial. Thus, to assist in your efforts to monitor the ongoing swamp-draining process, we have created the Trump Administration Grifting Matrix, which plots each cast member’s garden-variety malevolence against the sheer brazenness of their attempts at self-enrichment.

The Hapless Suits Looking to Throw It in the Bag and Cash In

Steven Mnuchin

A former Goldman Sachs executive who made a fortune buying up distressed banks during the financial crisis, Mnuchin forgot about his history of donating to Democrats when Trump asked him to serve as his campaign finance chair in April 2016. Since becoming head of Treasury, the man behind Avatar—no, really—has busied himself with requesting military aircraft for his honeymoon, posing like a comic book villain in front of sheets of cash, and trying to get his wife to stop picking fights with strangers on Instagram.

Jared Kushner

Imagine marrying an heiress so that you can enjoy a quiet, picturesque life together of attending Upper East Side cocktail parties and silently hating one another, only to have her insane father conscript you to revamp the entire federal government and negotiate Middle East peace. This is Jared’s personal hell, and it is almost enough to make me feel bad for him, until I remember that his family is using his name to rustle up capital for their collapsing real estate empire, and that becoming a global laughstock is probably the only price he’ll have to pay for it.

Tom Price

While he aspired to the brand of sophisticated swindle preferred by his peers, it was Price’s deep, unbridled passion for the Clearport that finally did him in. After laboring for full two decades in politics, perhaps he viewed “never again having to pay $13 for another room-temperature turkey sandwich in economy class” as his long-overdue reward.

Sean Spicer

If not for Trump, this C-grade Republican operative’s one-day tenure as the White House Easter Bunny would have been his closest brush with political relevance. Thanks to his willingness to lie on command, though, Sean ended up with a book deal, a speaking circuit gig, and a Harvard fellowship, which means that once scientists perfect an elective procedure that prevents humans from feeling residual shame, he’ll live out his days as the happiest man on earth.

Ben Carson

It will never not be absurd that Ben Carson is a world-class brain surgeon who got picked to lead HUD, presumably because Trump heard "urban" and named the first black person he could think of who (1) likes him and (2) isn't a toy-cowboy-hat-wearing murderer. Since his confirmation, Carson has mostly managed to keep his contempt for poor people out of the headlines by keeping his $31,000 dining set in them.

The Hapless Suits Who Actually Possess a Coherent Worldview

Rex Tillerson

The Exxon CEO was prepared to retire to his ranch to spend time with the grandkids, as he put it, when he got a call from Trump: Wanna be Secretary of State instead? For reasons known only to him, his God, and perhaps his former colleagues in the fossil fuels industry, Tillerson spent a year working for a "fucking moron"—also as he put it—before getting fired while sitting on the toilet, a metaphor that is a little too on the nose to merit further discussion.

Linda McMahon

After getting thrashed in two straight U.S. Senate bids, this Republican megadonor finally just bought the type of power she failed to win via the democratic process. This not their first joint business venture, but it is the one that involves the least amount of kayfabe head-shaving.

Nikki Haley

She is very proud to work in the Trump White House, and no, her last thought before she falls asleep each night is definitely not that she would give anything for it to be the Rubio White House, or the Cruz White House, or the Romney White House instead. Why do you ask?

Ivanka Trump

Selflessly turned down a White House salary, because the intangible rewards that flow from public service are more valuable than any compensation. The tangible rewards, like the lucrative trademarks her clothing company received in China, are admittedly nice, though.

Hope Hicks

Parlayed a PR job in New York City into a brief stint as the most powerful person in Washington, an inspiring story that I'm sure she will cover in great detail during her 2032 inaugural address.

The Amoral Monsters Who Happen to Possess a Coherent Worldview

Betsy DeVos

When the Obama administration created the Student Aid Enforcement Unit to crack down on predatory lending practices, it cited the for-profit DeVry University as an example of the type of thing it would no longer tolerate. DeVos, naturally, hired the former DeVry dean to lead it—a decision that Democratic senator Chris Murphy likened to naming influenza as surgeon general.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

I mean, she did get a free cheese plate out of this.

Ryan Zinke

Sure, Zinke has his de rigeur bit of charter flight unpleasantness, but it's a rounding error next to the $300 million no-bid contract that Whitefish Energy, a two-employee startup in Montana, received to rebuild Puerto Rico's power grid after Hurricane Maria. Zinke, who grew up in Whitefish, is buddies with the CEO, and his son is a former summer intern. Not to worry, says Zinke! Just a pair of crazy (and crazy lucrative) coincidences.

Mike Pence

As of early 2016, Pence's most notable accomplishment as Indiana's dead-eyed governor was a wildly unpopular homophobic law that transformed an easy reelection bid into a surprise toss-up. Thanks to the life preserver that the then-longshot Trump campaign tossed his way, he now gets to break ties in the Senate and lead prayers at the Church of MAGA, just one heartbeat (or indictment) away from having the Oval Office all to himself.

Steve Bannon

Some many-shirted xenophobes just want to watch the world burn.

The Amoral Monsters Who Also Want to Throw It in the Bag

Mercedes Schlapp

A principled critic of Donald Trump until she realized that being a principled critic of Donald Trump was all that stood between her and a job in the White House, the director of strategic communications now rails against the evils of the "out of touch leftist media elites" from the back of the literal limousine she takes to party with them.

Wilbur Ross

Honestly, if the octogenarian kajillionaire known as the "King of Bankruptcy" neglected to divest himself of problematic holdings after being tapped for a high-level Cabinet position—oversights that earned him both millions of dollars and and also calls for a criminal investigation from Democratic senators—it would have surprised you, right?

Mick Mulvaney

A mediocre legislator who railed against the evils of the CFPB while in Congress and then used its payroll to make his friends rich when placed in charge of it, Mulvaney raised eyebrows earlier this year when he admitted that he only met with lobbyists who donated to his campaigns. He faced no consequences for this endorsement of pay-to-play politics, because in Trump's Washington, corruption isn't corrupt if you don't bother to hide it.

Donald Trump, Jr.

Sidelined from the family grifting business after his first attempt went spectacularly awry, Don Jr. has spent the last two years leading a strange existence as the exiled prince of MAGA Twitter, apparently under the impression that if he shares enough memes on social media, Dad will say "I love you" back someday.

Scott Pruitt

The undisputed GOAT of the genre, there is no metric in which Pruitt did not outperform the field, from vanity (insisting on a traveling security detail) to audacity (scoring a sweetheart condo lease from the wife of a prominent lobbyist) to pettiness (trying to procure a Chick-fil-A franchise for his wife) to absurdity (having his staff drive to five-star hotels in search of his favorite high-end lotion) to volume (this is, like, half of them, at most). I can't wait to see what grifts he has in store when he returns to Washington as Senator Pruitt in January 2021.

The One Who Somehow Defies Easy Categorization

Anthony Scaramucci

Washington's most pugnacious autofellatio proponent somehow turned a hilarious 11-day White House tenure into a recurring gig as CNN's Reasonable-Sounding Trumper, issuing somber criticisms of the White House while insisting that he remains loyal to it, just in case the ex changes his mind. No matter which direction in which the political winds blow, Anthony Scaramucci has a comfortable place to land, which makes his grift the most perfect grift of all.