Device sucks food from stomach so people can keep eating

Like eating a lot? Hate dieting? Exercise a bother? Now you can pound those 20 Big Macs worry-free thanks to the AspireAssist®. This device literally sucks the food from your stomach before the food is processed into calories.

Here’s how it works:

You have a permanent hole cut into your belly with a tube that penetrates the stomach. This is all capped off with a plastic turn valve called a ‘skin port’ that rests outside the skin.

Once you’re finished gorging yourself, hook the electronic contraption to your hole and twist the valve. Fresh water (why not use Mountain Dew?) pumps into the stomach to ‘loosen the food’ and then the powerful AspireAssist® sucks it out.

Now that the food is gone from the stomach, you can start eating again right away!!

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The AspireAssist® is currently only available in America. Big surprise.