Scientists analyzing a two-mile deep mine in Ontario, Canada have discovered what is currently the oldest water known to date, at 2.6-billion years old. "Pfft, that's nothing." METHUSELAH YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

The scientists analyzed water they found 2 miles (2.4 km) deep. They focused on noble gases such as helium, neon, argon and xenon. Past studies analyzing bubbles of air trapped within ancient rocks found that these rare gases could occur in distinct ratios linked with certain eras of Earth's history. As such, by analyzing the ratios of noble gases seen in this water, the researchers could deduce the age of the water.

The finding, announced in the May 16 issue of the journal Nature, raises the tantalizing possibility that ancient life might be found deep underground not only within Earth, but in similar oases that may exist on Mars, the scientists who studied the water said.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We bottle it and sell it to rich people for like $600/bottle! I don't know, print something on the side about anti-aging properties -- women love hearing that. And something about a bigger, firmer erection -- men AND women love hearing that. Hell, sometimes I just lay around repeating it to myself like it's some sort of magic boner spell. It's not though, you have to drink our water to get one.

Thanks to Jaucet, who will insists he'll stick to drinking filtered water from the faucet like a normal person who doesn't care about staying perpetually young looking or rocking a boner the size of a bar stool. Your loss, man.