I had no idea what to title this post because I had so many options.

Pastor Steven Anderson of the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe, Arizona just gave the greatest sermon *ever* on the qualities of a “virtuous woman.” It’s offensive, misogynistic, hilarious… and it’s all on video.

Highlights are below! (Because I listened to the whole damn thing for you…)

18:18: Some women don’t even spend 40 hours a week taking care of their family! Their children and husband suffer!

19:38: Ladies, you can either do a good job of caring for the house or a poor job. That’s not me talking. That’s the Bible talking!

26:40: No woman should ever make you a bologna sandwich on Wonder Bread!

27:10: My wife spends hours cooking! Right, honey? Yeah! 2-3 hours a day! Good for her!

27:50: The Bible says cooking for your family is what you’re supposed to be doing! What else are you doing that’s so important, anyway? “Farmland”?! “Bejewel me”?! Facebook?!

29:00: You’re too busy to homeschool your kids? “I don’t even understand why you even have children if you’re gonna just drop ’em off at the government school so they can be brainwashed to be a wicked, god-hating pervert. And I’m not saying that’s how they’re gonna turn out, but that’s the goal of that system, to make ’em turn out that way!”

29:35: Public schools are run by Satan. Literally. Teachers and school board members are just little devils.

30:20: The purpose of having children is to glorify God, not so they can be raised by godless schools.

31:00: Women, are you too busy? You better be too busy cooking, because that’s what the Bible says you should be doing.

36:12: I didn’t let my wife have a TV when we got married. She didn’t know what to do with her time since we had no kids and she didn’t have a job. So I told her, “Just cook me three awesome meals a day. Just really hit it out of the park.”

37:30: I just wanted my wife to do something that mattered! Like cooking!

38:00: Sometimes, I’m out of town, and I call my wife, and I see that my wife isn’t in the kitchen because I’m looking through the video phone! And I ask my wife why she hasn’t been in the kitchen!

38:20: I really just want to give my wife a ton of freedom! Cook what you want!

42:30: I’ve noticed that people who find God become more intelligent. That’s why public schools are producing idiots.

44:15: Listening to women who talk back and argue with you is like experiencing Chinese water torture and Waterboarding. Given the choice, I’d rather experience Chinese Water Torture.

49:20: You see all these celebrity women and music stars who are “independent” and “I can do it all myself” types! That is not who I want my children emulating, because “I don’t want them to think that is what a woman should strive to be. The Bible says a woman should strive to have a meek and quiet spirit…”

53:05: A virtuous woman is one who has a plan! A plan for breakfast, a plan for lunch, a plan for dinner!

54:30: Women, don’t get mad if the washing machine doesn’t work! You used to be the washing machine! If it breaks, just deal with it.

55:10: The world may disagree with me, but fuck it. Don’t tell me I can’t say this stuff just because I can’t give birth. I’m a pastor!

…

You may also remember Pastor Anderson from the time he railed against National Geographic for publishing nude photos… because all nudity is pornographic.

