Some people get confused by events in Syria, but they’re not that complicated. Quite simply, we need to bomb somewhere or other out there, like we should have done two years ago. Back then we should have dropped bombs to support the Isis rebels fighting against the evil Assad. But as we didn’t bother, we now need to put that right by bombing the Isis rebels, and protecting Assad.

Because if only we had bombed Assad back then, it would be much easier to bomb Isis and their allies now, as we would be one of their allies so we could bomb ourselves. And we could do that without the fuss of going all the way to Syria, which would cut down on carbon emissions as well.

Also, we could ask Isis if they had any bombs left over that we had given them, “as we need them back to bomb you please”.

The change has happened because back then, you may recall, Assad was so unspeakably evil he had gassed his own people. But now we have decided we support Assad so I suppose we have found out the gas wasn’t so much a chemical weapon as a Syrian version of Febreze, that has left Aleppo with an alluring scent of lemon.

Former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan warned against bombing, saying “Syria is not Libya, it won’t implode but explode beyond its borders.” So that might not be too cheery, if he is saying things will not necessarily go as smoothly as they have turned out in Libya.

If you were really fussy, you could look for another example of a western invasion in the Syria/Iraq region in the recent past, and find out how well that went. But where we went wrong in Libya and Iraq, is we only bombed one side.

This is the sort of pacifist behaviour that causes the trouble. We should have bombed all the different sides, to make sure we annihilate the right people.

Sometimes we have tried this to a certain extent, so at different times we have armed Assad and Gaddafi and Saddam and Bin Laden and then bombed them for using the bombs we had sold them. But it is not organised properly and leaves the poor sods confused.

Instead of supporting Arab dictators for 20 years, then opposing them for three, and then supporting them again, we should arrange it on a rota system. We could bomb them on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, bomb their opponents on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and leave Sundays for US construction companies to make some money rebuilding the stuff we have bombed, so there is something new to bomb.

Otherwise we are left with the predicament Tony Blair finds himself in. He complains that we didn’t bomb Assad two years ago. But, in 2002, Blair invited Assad to stay at Buckingham Palace and praised his modernising outlook. If he had used my suggested system, he could have grovelled to him on Thursday, then bombed him in his bedroom on Friday. I’m sure the Queen wouldn’t have minded sleeping on a mate’s settee for a couple of weeks while builders repaired the damage.

The refugee crisis - in pictures Show all 70 1 /70 The refugee crisis - in pictures The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Syrian refugee holding a baby in a lifetube swims towards the shore after their dinghy deflated some 100m away before reaching the Greek island of Lesbos The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A refugee raises a child into the air as Syrian and Afghan refugees are seen on and around a dinghy that deflated some 100m away before reaching the Greek island of Lesbos The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Syrian and Afghan refugees fall into the sea after their dinghy deflated some 100m away before reaching the Greek island of Lesbos The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A refugee cries as he holds a child on the Serbian side of the border with Hungary in Asotthalom Reuters The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees stand in front of a barrier at the border with Hungary near the village of Horgos, Serbia Reuters The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A refugee from Syria prays after arriving on the shores of the Greek island of Lesbos aboard an inflatable dinghy across the Aegean Sea from from Turkey. Greece sent troops and police reinforcements to Lesbos after renewed clashes between police and migrants, the public broadcaster said, while Syrian refugees on the island were targeted with Molotov cocktail attacks The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Police try to stop refugees going under a fence to board a train at a station near Gevgelija, Macedonia. Several thousand refugees in Macedonia boarded trains to travel north after spending a night in a provisional camp. Macedonia has organised trains twice a day to the north border where they cross into Serbia to make their way to Hungary The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees push each other as they try to board a bus following their arrival onboard the Eleftherios Venizelos passenger ship at the port of Piraeus, near Athens, Greece The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees are welcomed by locals after their arrival at the main railway station in Frankfurt, Germany. Over 1,000 more refugees arrived in Germany to cheers and "welcome" signs, but calls grew for a European solution to its worst refugee crisis since World War II The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A young Syrian boy arrives on the Greek island of Lesbos after crossing in a dinghy with other refugees from Turkey AP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees walk on the railway tracks between Bicske and Szar, some 40 kms west of Budapest, trying to reach Germany EPA The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Hungarian policemen stand by the family of refugees as they wanted to run away at the railway station in the town of Bicske, Hungary The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A family is arrested by local police after their local train coming from Budapest and heading to the Austrian border has been stopped in Bicske, west of the Hungarian capital The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A man is arrested by local police after his local train coming from Budapest and heading to the Austrian border has been stopped in Bicske, west of the Hungarian capital The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict More than 2,500 refugees have died trying to reach Europe this year and the struggle continues as they travel through the continent Getty Images The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees protest in front of a train at Bicske railway station. Hundreds of people, were stranded on a train in Hungary for a second, demanding passage to Germany in a standoff with riot police The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Syrian refugees arrive on the shores of Lesvos island Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Syrian refugees on the Greek Macedonian border Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees storm into a train at the Keleti train station as Hungarian police withdrew from the gates after two days of blocking their entry The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees storm into a train at the Keleti train station in Budapest The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees cross the border between the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia and Greece, near the town of Gevgelija, Macedonia. The Gevgelija-Presevo journey is just a part of the journey that the refugees, the vast majority of them from Syria, are forced to make along the so-called Balkan corridor, which takes them from Turkey, across Greece, Macedonia and Serbia to Hungary, the gateway to the European Union, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A refugee helps up an exhausted fellow refugee as they cross the border between Macedonia and Greece, near the town of Gevgelija, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict People breaking through a police cordon and crossing the border between Macedonia and Greece, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees pass the border between Macedonia and Greece, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Macedonian policeman carries a child across the border between Macedonia and Greece, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Syrians sleep on railroad tracks waiting to be processed across the Macedonian border in Idomeni, Greece, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Czech police officer marks a refugee with a number after more than than 200 refugees were detained, mostly from Syria, on trains from Hungary and Austria at the railway station in Breclav, Czech Republic, September 2015 AP Photo, CTK/Igor Zehl The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A baby is lifted on to the Norwegian vessel ‘Siem Pilot’ during a search-and-rescue mission off the Libyan coast, September 2015 AP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Budapest's main international railway station ordered an evacuation as hundreds of people tried to board trains to Austria and Germany, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict People wave their train tickets and lift up children outside the main Eastern Railway station in Budapest, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict People protest at the Eastern (Keleti) railway station of Budapest, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugee children sleep in the surrounding green area of the Keleti railway station in Budapest, September 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Syrians cross under a fence into Hungary at the border with Serbia, near Roszke, August 2015 Reuters The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees who have just crossed the border from Serbia into Hungary walk along a railway track that joins the two countries, August 2015 Getty Images The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Police arrest refugees at Cobham Services on the M25 in Surrey, August 2015 Twitter: @bigwheeluk The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Men hold a boy as they are stuck between Macedonian riot police officers and fellow refugees during a clash near the border train station of Idomeni, August 2015 AFP/Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Syrian father holds his children close as his arrives on the Greek Island of Kos, August 2015 Eyevine The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A tourist offers water to Iranian refugees as they arrive by paddling an engineless dinghy from the Turkish coast (seen in the background) at a beach on the Greek island of Kos, August 2015 Reuters The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Syrian holds his 30-day-old baby on an overcrowded train as they travel through Macedonia. Tens of thousands of refugees, mainly from the Middle East and Africa, use the Balkans route to get into the European Union, passing from Greece to Macedonia and Serbia and then to western Europe, August 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A man rests on a platform at the train station in Gevgelija, on the Macedonian-Greek border, August 2015 Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees react after boarding the Migrant Offshore Aid Station (MOAS) ship MV Phoenix some 20 miles (32 kilometres) off the coast of Libya. Some 118 refugees were rescued from a rubber dinghy off Libya. The Phoenix, manned by personnel from international non-governmental organisations Medecins san Frontiere (MSF) and MOAS, is the first privately funded vessel to operate in the Mediterranean, August 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Authorities are being overwhelmed as they try to fight off hundreds of refugees, prompting France to beef up its police presence, July 2015 AFP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict People escape from the French Police as they try to catch a train to reach England, July 2015 EPA The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A man jumps over a fence as he attempts to access the Channel Tunnel, in Calais, northern France, July 2015 PA/Thibault Camus The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Two men cling to the roof of a freight truck as it leaves the Eurotunnel terminal in Folkestone, July 2015 Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A man climbs a security fence of a Eurotunnel terminal in Coquelles near Calais, July 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Men help a man squeeze through a gap in a fence near the Eurotunnel terminal in Coquelles in Calais, July 2015 Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Desperate for entry to the EU, the group of people risked being washed away by the sea at Ventimiglia rocks, June 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Stranded refugees spend night on rocks - they were supplied with emergency blankets after a cold night next to the sea, June 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees climb in the back of a lorry on the A16 highway leading to the Eurotunnel in Calais, June 2015 Getty Images The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A police officer sprays tear gas to men trying to access the Channel Tunnel on the A16 highway in Calais, northern France, June 2015 PHILIPPE HUGUEN/AFP/Getty Images The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Men jump out of a lorry after being discovered by French gendarmerie officers, June 2015 AP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A man sits under the trailer of a lorry, June 2015 AP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Belgian navy sailor passes life vests to refugees sitting in a rubber boat as they approach the Belgian Navy Vessel Godetia, June 2015 AP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict People on the Belgian Navy vessel Godetia after they were saved during a search and rescue mission in the Mediterranean off the Libyan coast, June 2015 AP The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Iraqis wait as they are detained by Hungarian police after crossing the Hungarian-Serbian border illegally near the village of Asotthalom, Hungary, June 2015 Reuters The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Syrian refugees walking on train tracks through Macedonia on the Western Balkans migration route, after entering Europe through Greece, June 2015 Reuters The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A group of people huddle together during an operation to remove them from the Italian-French border in the Italian city of Ventimiglia. Italy and France engaged in a war of words as a standoff over hundreds of Africans offered a graphic illustration of Europe's migration crisis. Italian Interior Minister Angelino Alfano described images of refugees perched on rocks at the border town of Ventimiglia after being refused entry to France as a "punch in the face for Europe", June 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A man is carried by Italian police in Ventimiglia, Italy. Police reportedly removed refugees from under a railway bridge, June 2015 EPA The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict People queue after disembarking from the Royal Navy ship HMS 'Bulwark' upon their arrival in the port of Catania on the coast of Sicily, June 2015 GIOVANNI ISOLINO/AFP/Getty Images The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A Syrian child holds a drawing as he waits to disembark from Belgian Navy vessel Godetia at the Augusta port, Italy. Around 250 refugees from Syria arrived at the Sicilian harbour from a Damascus refugee camp, June 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A dinghy overcrowded with Afghan refugees arrived on a beach on the Greek island of Kos, May 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict An Afghan child is helped off a rib on the Greek island of Kos, May 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict An Afghan girl holds the hand of a woman as they arrive on a beach on the Greek island of Kos, after crossing a part of the Aegean Sea between Turkey and Greece, May 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Refugees crossed part of the Aegean Sea between Turkey and Greece, May 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Afghan refugees arrive on a beach of Kos, May 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Rescuers help children to disembark in the Sicilian harbor of Pozzallo, Italy in April 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict A boat transporting refugees arrives in the port of Messina after a rescue operation at sea, April 2015 Getty The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Armed Forces of Malta personnel in protective clothing carry the body of a dead man off Italian coastguard ship Bruno Gregoretti as surviving refugees watch in Senglea, in Valletta's Grand Harbour, April 2015 The refugee crisis - in pictures Refugees fleeing conflict Rescued people talk to a member of the Malta Order after a fishing boat carrying refugees capsized off the Libyan coast, is brought ashore along with 23 others retreived by the Italian Coast Guard vessel Bruno Gregoretti at Boiler Wharf, Senglea in Malta, April 2015

The silly thing is, it’s now claimed there are secret units of the IRA – who have kept their weapons against the rules of the peace process. It would have kept them out of mischief if they had been asked to bomb Blair’s pals such as Assad and Gaddafi, as long as they did it on one of the agreed days, and it would have strengthened the Northern Ireland peace process as well.

There could also be a surprise element to which side we bomb, with vast commercial potential. Instead of the same predictable places popping up, there should be an international body that chooses the venue, with Sepp Blatter opening an envelope to reveal “next year the place we have to bomb as we can’t just do nothing is… Finland”.

Then, whenever someone suggests bombing Finland will make things worse, columnists and politicians and blokes in pubs can shout “well, we can’t do NOTHING”.

This argument, that we can’t do NOTHING, is powerful and well thought through, because it’s clear from Western military interventions in the Middle East that no matter how bad the situation is before we go there, we manage to make it worse. This must have taken immense planning in Libya, but was worth it because everyone seems to agree that most of the country looks back on their days under the foul, despotic, murderous tyranny of Gaddafi with a dreamy nostalgic affection.

We could bomb Hell, and within a month the residents would say “We were better off under Satan. At least he kept the demons under some sort of control.”

Maybe the problem is we are not entirely trusted. This goes to show what a touchy people they are out there. We do all we can to support the spread of democracy by arming the royal family of Saudi Arabia and the Amir of Kuwait and the honourable folk who rule Qatar, and go out of our way to support people with titles such as “Mighty Wizard of Eternal Vengeance and Holy uber-King who can make up laws as he goes along, Divinely Grand Swisher of the Majestic Whip and his Million Wives of Bahrain”, and the little sods still doubt our honourable intentions.

But now there is an even more urgent reason to back the bombing of somewhere or other, which is we must do it for the refugees. The Sun newspaper, in particular, has been running a campaign that we “Do it for Aylan”, the three-year-old lad who was drowned as his family fled from the horrors of Isis.