My mother and one of my oldest friends paid me a visit last month. It was a month-long trip during which I ate home-cooked food and didn’t masturbate for 30 days. Here’s what I learnt.

Virginia Woolf got it wrong

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction, said Ms Woolf. Not every woman wants to write fiction. Some want to paint, some want to dance and some just want scroll through Instagram for the rest of their lives.

But I believe that in an ideal world, every woman should have money of her own, be able to masturbate and own a house. Just a room isn’t enough, as you might have to share it with someone you don’t want to see naked. Woolf had an asexual marriage, she knew no better. I rent a room in a shared house so my mother and friend slept in my room. Forget touching myself, I couldn’t even sleep in my underwear.

At 30, it is worrying that I don’t have a house to my name. What am I doing wrong? Is it my low-paying job? Or my decision to not be a gold digger? Or my fear of taking risks – getting a house loan and figuring out the rest later?

Sheila may be on to something

There was nothing redeeming about Tees Maar Khan except ‘Shiela ki Jawani’. Since the song came out eight years ago, I have maintained that it was an ode to masturbation because dil karta hai hauley hauley se main toh khud ko galey lagaoun. Kisi aur ki mujhko zarurat kya main toh khud se hi pyar jataoun.

French feminist Helene Cixous said something similar in The Laugh of the Medusa, that a woman is autoerotic – unlike a man who needs some kind of hole to enter for pleasure, a woman’s ‘lips’ are always in contact, therefore self-pleasuring. “Censor the body and you censor breath and speech at the same time. Write yourself. Your body must be heard.”

While this argument was extended to talk about the need for women to find a voice through their writing, it can be applied to any path that a woman chooses to take which may unsettle patriarchy. Sometimes, the path can be as harmless as pleasuring herself. Remember the brouhaha around the masturbation scene in Veere Di Wedding?

Imagine, if all of us could masturbate and afford 1BHKs of our own, men will be made redundant.

Audrey Hepburn was on point

If you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of your arm, said the icon, and not exactly in the context of masturbation but things are open to interpretation.

I know a lot of women who do not get orgasms despite having partners. Most of them do not masturbate because they find it disgusting or don’t know how to do it. While it’s not mandatory that sex should lead to orgasms every time, there’s no harm in knowing how to fend for yourself. Love comes with no guarantees.

So, rather than stew in frustration and look out of an otherwise good relationship, or pick up STD-prone people from bars, let our hands guide us. Hands are safe, inexpensive as they do not require a round of drinks, and we won’t wake up in our beds alone, feeling trashy.

It’s easy to NOT give in to temptation

During this period, I watched Lust Stories, tucked into bed while my friend snored next to me. Neha Dhupia’s library scene felt like rock salt gradually massaged into a fresh wound.

I could have taken advantage of the dark and the snoring people around and relieved the itch. Less than five minutes, no one would know. But I decided against it because it felt wrong and what if someone woke up? The embarrassment itself put me to shame though my chest swelled with pride at my resilience (or was it the aroused breasts?).

Some of you might ask why I didn’t head to the bathroom. Because it’s not comfortable or hygienic. Remember, I share it with another person? All the more reason to get that 1BHK.

Anyway, I know now that I have more mental strength than I give myself credit. If I can resist masturbation while watching minor porn, I can resist any kind of temptation that life brings my way.

Be thankful for what you have

I don’t have the perfect job, house or wardrobe but I can produce endorphins at will without needing anyone’s help. Sure, you can eat chillies to do that – but would you prefer orgasms or vindaloo? If you are resourceful, you can make anything happen. Just roll up your sleeves and get busy.

(Shyama Laxman has an MA in Creative Writing from City University, London and now she writes sales pitches. Dreams come true or so they say.)

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