Global Chick-Fil-A Death Count Climbs To 0

WORLD—A grim report indicated Wednesday that the count of people murdered by known hate group Chick-fil-A has risen to 0 this year.

While previous years saw counts averaging 0 and sometimes going in the negative as Chick-fil-A employees saved the lives of their customers, this year the count has skyrocketed to 0. Critics are claiming the company's strong and pervasive culture of hate is contributing to the expanding number of deaths.

"Chick-fil-A is poisoning our cities, killing people by the zeros," said Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. "We do not welcome hate in our country, and neither should any other countries, eh?"

He then had to go address a 76th blackface photo that had emerged.

Reporters and journalists have demanded an answer from Chick-fil-A, but so far spokespeople have only responded with, "My pleasure."

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