It’s mid-February and since our season is stuttering to a depressing halt I decided to look ahead to the summer in the hope I’d find something, anything I could cling on to. Instead I’ve sunk even further into the mire.

If you think the next few months are depressing just wait until the transfer window comes around. The rebuilding job needed is mammoth. Just take a look at the certain and near certain departures:

Yohan Cabaye

I know that Yohan has already left us, but our inability to replace him during January despite the fact we had FOUR FUCKING MONTHS to make contingency plans means his shadow will loom large over the summer. He was without any doubt our most important player and it’ll be nigh on impossible to find someone of Cabaye’s quality who can make the instant impact required, especially with Ashley keeping a close eye on the purse strings. GONE

Loic Remy

The only striker we have who has proven he can find the back of the net on a regular basis isn’t officially ours. When Remy finds himself travelling back down to that London come the end of the season he’ll have better offers on the table than the one forthcoming from ourselves. If the rumours of Arsenal being interested in him are true then we better not get too used to the sight of him in black and white. GOING

Shola Ameobi

He’s never going to be the biggest miss in the world but he’s still another body. Shola’s inevitable departure will further deplete our attacking options, an area where we’re already woefully short of players. GOING

Dan Gosling

Okay, we’re not going to miss him that much. GOING

Papiss Cisse

If you play for Newcastle United don’t tread on the toes of the owner. The players’ committee found that out during our first season back in the Premier League when they complained about their bonus package. Cisse’s refusal to wear the Wonga shirt earlier in the campaign may have been resolved amicably but his exclusion from the squad suggests everything isn’t alright. We’ve been trying to drum up interest all winter and I’m sure we’ll continue into the summer until we find someone willing to pay the £10 million we want. GOING

Hatem Ben Arfa

Infrequently brilliant, HBA’s Newcastle career is coming to a disappointing end. Reduced to cameo roles and now playing the worst football of his time on Tyneside he is due to enter the final year of his deal this summer. He’ll have plenty of suitors and we’re unlikely to either hand him a new deal or keep hold of him for another 12 months. We’ll take the money and run but hey, we’ll still have the memories. GOING

Fabriccio Coloccini

Coloccini is now spending more time on the sidelines than on the pitch. His desire to go back to Argentina remains. At what point do the hierarchy decide to cut their losses rather than keep a crocked, unhappy club captain? I worry 2014 will be the last we’ll see of the best defender Newcastle has had in decades. PROBABLY GOING

Steven Taylor

Good fucking riddance. PROBABLY, HOPEFULLY GOING

Luuk De Jong

The consensus is that we’ve struck a deal to sign De Jong after his loan ends, but we heard the same with Remy and that turned out to be untrue. If Luuk doesn’t begin to find the net would we still shell out the £6 million required to sign him or do we send him back to Germany citing our consumer rights. WHO KNOWS

See? Terrifying. More likely than not we’re going into the summer needing to replace the entire spine of our team in addition to a host of other first team and fringe players.

So how much is buying adequate replacements going to set us back? In this writer’s completely uninformed opinion that’s at least £40 million of quality footballer potentially fucking off out of the door. Will we spend that? Nee chance.

I hope you’ve secured your seats at St James’ Park for relegation battle 2014/15.