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Update: Nation's Top Douchebag to Address Nation at 6:20 PM � New York Times Writer Attempts to Explain What It Is To Be a "Modern Man," to Everyone's Great Embarrassment It is often unmanly to even discuss "being a man" at all, but it can be done. But describing "being a man" as nothing more than a series of trivial consumer choices reduces "being a man" to being a woman, but with these fashion preferences swapped out for women's. The other things that make someone a "modern man" are, apparently, simply behaving like a liberal, urban white woman (the actual target demographic of this piece), as in: 25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn�t own one, and he never will. 26. The modern man cries. He cries often. 27. People aren�t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic. Yes, crying and dancing and thinking guns are icky. That's pretty much an exact description of Rooster Cogburn and Chuck Yaegher. This New York Times piece is pure hatebait -- hatebait, because it's written to be mocked, but linked each time it's mocked. The Modern Man, it goes on to tell us, is obsequious to feminist demands: 1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn't have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small. ... 9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away. Watching this soft-handed sweetboy explain being a man to people is adorable. Sometimes he tries to butch up by talking super tough about trivial matters of eating and social media usage: 4. The modern man doesn't cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

11. The modern man has never "pinned" a tweet, and he never will. Wow! That's some manful defiance right there! It's like his closest experience with a real man is watching Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation. Say, doesn't Ron Swanson sometimes talk about meat...? Oh yes, I'll say something manful about meat-eating. By the way, Twinkie, there's not much fat at all on a fillet. That's the main thing about them, and why they're preferred by children and finicky eaters. He has another burst of manful defiance in him -- this time, about his precious cellphone: 24. The modern man doesn't get hung up on his phone's battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it. Also, the modern man is apparently a prig and thinks military-derived slang is "gauche:" 8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he�ll say "helicopter," not "chopper" like some gauche simpleton. The modern man is apparently super-into organization and planning his soap usage ahead of time: 12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out. Wow, this Modern Man sure is breaking all the rules. The Modern Man, as I said before, is very interested in shopping and advertising his fashion preferences: 14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone. 15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords. ... 18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Why this Modern Man is very fixated on shoes, isn't it? Rather like another sex I could probably name if I gave it enough thought. The modern man may hate guns and love crying like a little girl, but he'll... do something or other if there's an intruder in the house. 16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away. Note he says try to fight him off. The Modern Man is admirably realistic about his capacity for physical confrontation. Then the Modern Man does more Homemaking Projects he saw on GOOP or Martha Stewart: 17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped? Basically, the Modern Man is a tweener girl: 20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield. Oh I can't quote it all, but he's got some stuff in there about collecting the phony artifacts of imaginary manhood, like making sure he has "All Michael Mann movies" on DVD, or whatever the most up-to-date recording format is. Because, again, the Modern Man is a Fashion Consumer first and foremost, and adorns himself (or his little den) with various trinkets and baubles intended to prettify himself -- but in a Modern Man sort of way, you understand.

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