Christian Schneider

Opinion columnist

Way back in September of 2019, President Donald Trump declared a new Civil War in America over accusations he had pressured the Ukrainian president to supply him with damaging information on Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden. Constitutional scholars have debated whether a president can declare war via Twitter and whether it counts if he spells it “Sivil Wore.”

Nonetheless, a letter from one of the troops fighting for the president’s forces has been unearthed and is now housed at the Biggest, Perfect, Most Beautiful Museum Ever (known in 2019 as the Smithsonian Institution).

Dearest Melanie:

I hope this WhatsApp message finds you safely. I am stationed here at the front lines of the Civil War, which began late in September after being declared by President Donald Trump via Twitter. As we would all soon find out, deadnaming people via tweet would be enough to get you thrown off Twitter, but presidents declaring civil wars seemed to be well within the site’s terms of service.

Red baseball hat? You're on my side.

I hope you have not lost too much sleep while I have been away. Morale is good, as General Giuliani has kept things light with his winning, ebullient personality. He has convinced us all that we are fighting the most valuable battle since the last Civil War — clearly the eradication of owning human beings as slaves is morally on par with people saying mean things about President Trump.

However, like you, I am a bit perplexed as to how this particular Civil War is supposed to be won. In 1860, the adversaries were identifiable by geographic region — the North battled the South by marching and firing cannonballs at the rebels. In the Great War of 2019, where Trump loyalists mingle comfortably among the despised “NeverTrumpers,” the battle fronts are … literally everywhere. It is safe to assume that anyone not wearing an ill-fitting red baseball hat is suspect.

There are only so many drag queen story hours where the insurgents can be smoked out!

Yet I can say without hesitation that our side is now enjoying a great number of glorious victories! Just yesterday, when a cuck corporal defamed our great president by suggesting Republicans would have lost their minds if President Barack O-Bummer had solicited foreign help to destroy a political opponent, I tweeted him a crippling “Orange Man Bad” meme. After my 12 followers see it, he will certainly never be heard from again!

Chalk one up for my body count when they start handing out postwar medals!

Chick-fil-As seized, provisions low

Further, I have been reassured by Commanders Diamond and Silk that we are winning the intelligence war on the ground. Our greatest minds have been sent to hipster coffee shops to surreptitiously overhear what liberal caffeine enthusiasts might be saying about troop movements and strategies. Word is they are very adept at trying to trick people into filing sexual harassment lawsuits against the hated liberal leaders, which will surely mark their downfall!

I am sad to report, however, that provisions are running low. Leftist freedom fighters have seized all of the Chick-fil-A franchises, leaving conservative warriors all suffering from a waffle fry deficiency.

Countermeasures were taken soon thereafter when a MAGA soldier disguised himself in an Elizabeth Warren for President T-shirt, stood outside a Starbucks and yelled, “I found a high school picture of Mike Pence in blackface!” When the coffee shop patrons sprinted outside to see the nonexistent photo, Pepe Team 6 swooped in and commandeered the shop, seizing all of the unsold Alanis Morissette CDs prominently displayed by the register.

Yet no victory was as satisfying as the Battle of Yale, where a single Trump supporter walked on campus wearing a mildly provocative Halloween costume, leaving dozens of students dead. Who knew the “free speech is violence” people were right all along?

Gearing up for the Battle of Instagram

I’m sorry — I have actually just received an emergency message from President Trump’s most brilliant strategic mind, Admiral Stephen Miller, telling me he needs my IMMEDIATE assistance. I stand ready to serve in this war to defend our truth-telling president, and will do ANYTHING to see him rightfully exonerated — even by checking the “$25 DONATION” box as the letter asks me to do.

I must say, Melanie, that I miss your smell. I crave the touch of your skin. I can only assume it is coincidence that I have not gotten to experience either since I told you 18 months ago that I voted for Donald Trump. I can promise you that those three days we dated were the most eventful of my life, and I yearn to feel your embrace once again while I sweetly whisper to you about how Hillary Clinton’s email server is clearly to blame for all this anti-Trump hate.

I must go now, as our company is gearing up for the Battle of Instagram. I have to get some sleep so I can be up early arming our troops with dangerously witty hashtags.

Yours always,

Private Jeff

P.S. — I have some suggestions about who should play me in the inevitable Ken Burns miniseries.

Christian Schneider, a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors, is a reporter with The College Fix and author of the book “1916: The Blog.” Follow him on Twitter: @Schneider_CM