*Inhale* *Slowly count to ten* *take Xanax*

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED ON SATURDAY?! I knew at some point this season, USC would fuckup against a subpar opponent because it happens every year, but in WEEK THREE!

*Exhale*

We should have seen it coming. We came riding in on our high horse (literally, our mascot is a horse) with a staggering 2-0 record, and the best AP ranking in the Pac-12. The Bleacher Report was producing highlight videos of our first two games and amateur bloggers were comparing this team to the 2005 Trojans. Southwest flights from LAX to Phoenix on January 10th are sold out by Trojans planning to make the trek to the National Championship Game. We were favored by 10 points in a nationally televised game, where Will Ferrell lead the team out of the locker room. If this doesn’t scream embarrassing USC loss, I don’t know what does.

What did we do to earn this fate? Another year, another humiliating upset. It’s like Jim Harbaugh buried remains from a former Native American tribe when he upset the Trojans in 2007. What did Pete Carroll do when he left? We haven’t been the same since. It’s actually become a joke amongst the college football community. They watch the USC hype train build up steam and ultimately derail. And boy did it derail.

How am I feeling?

Honestly, I haven’t been able to turn on ESPN or listen to a sports podcast since Saturday. I’ve gone into work late every day. I refuse to talk about the game to anyone I know. This afternoon, while flipping through the channels at the gym, ESPN U was replaying the game and I wanted to rip the TV off the wall and throw it into the street. Luckily, NHL preseason was on.

How do I feel about the rest of the season you ask? Well, strap yourself in because you’re about to enter the spin zone. Honestly, you may get dizzy and have to go through a concussion protocol.

Welcome to the SPIN ZONE

This loss was the best thing to happen to USC this season. Yes, you read that correctly. Am I a little delusional? Definitely. Am I in complete denial? Possibly. But here are some of the reasons:

Everyone is focused on Alabama and Auburn losing, so there is not much talk about the USC loss across sports networks (SEC bias anyone?). It’s like a top ranked team getting upset isn’t a big deal unless it happens in Alabama. Since I can’t listen to any sports radio that might mention Pac 12 football, I’ve resorted to listening to people call in to the Paul Finebaum Show and needless to say it is PURE GOLD.

Wish we had more fans as compassionate as Tammy. She wouldn’t stand for a half-filled Coliseum during conference play and and apparently she doesn’t confer with half standing phalluses in marital play either.

We aren’t going to play a team like Stanford for the rest of the season. Maybe Notre Dame, but their team is losing players right and left. Maybe they will give Rudy a call to see if he wants to give it another go. The great thing about the Pac 12 is that for a team that like to possess the ball, and have a strong defense, creates an anomaly because teams that methodically move the ball down the field don’t make a splash on Vine or Twitter. Don’t get me wrong. Offenses are going to blow through us like tissue paper, but at least we will be doing the same to theirs. Only a few years ago, the top ranked USC team with a lot of promise was upset by a lowly Pac-12 (at the time Pac-10) opponent. On September 25, Oregon State upset USC at Corvalis in what can be described as the quietest night in the New North dormitories. Tensions were high, and I may or may not have punched a friend in the face, walk about of his room, turn back and say, “ask and you shall receive” whilst doing jazz hands. Everyone thought the season was over.

First three games look a lot familiar right (Ignore that #5 next to Ohio State). USC proceeded to win the rest of their games and which led to their division championship and the Rose Bowl wins. If the team did that today, they would be a shoe-in for the college football playoff.

It’s better to lose early than lose late. No one remembers that Alabama lost to an Ole Miss team (last year they actually sucked) lead by Bo “Dr.Bo” Wallace and Ohio State lost to Virginia Tech, a team the celebrated going into overtime 0-0 against Wake Forest.

No other team in the Pac-12 is doing much better. Oregon and ASU each have one loss. UCLA lost their best player, Myles Jack, and their messiah Josh Rosen has proven to be a false god. Josh probably won’t have enough strength to beat Arizona this week anyways due to the fasting from Yom Kippur. Stanford already peaked and is bound to lose to teams that have any resemblance of a defense. The rest of Pac-12 just sucks. Cal has Goff, but it’s Cal. Aaron Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch couldn’t do much with that team. If you don’t believe me––believe Vegas.

You’re already too invested to give up now. You’ve bought your tickets, booked your flights to Chicago and the Weekender, and planned which one of your friends’ couches you’ll be sleeping on for Homecoming. It wouldn’t make sense to lose faith. Unless of course your fandom for USC is purely for social reasons. Oh crap.

Recap

No highlight video this week. We don’t need to see this twice. Let’s just get this over with.

The Good

I was able to start tailgating at 11:00 am and make it to the game in one piece. I did, however, have to keep my glasses on for the majority of the game due to dead eyes. I wasn’t going to win any beauty contests but I hung with the best of them.

USC had close to 100 rushing yards in the first quarter. For the most part, the offense looked stronger than ever with a solid ground and pass attack. Then came the few mishaps which brings me to…

The Bad

While USC had close to 100 rushing yards in the first quarter, they had only gained 51 yards for the rest of the game. To add insult to injury, Tre Madden, a player that gets more injured than RGIII, tweaked his knee in the third quarter.

Penalties were a huge factor that stopped offensive progression. If it wasn’t the penalties that halted drives, it was our inability to convert on third down. After three games, USC is now ranked 116th out of 128 FBS Div. 1 teams in third down conversions. I am ashamed to research the caliber of teams ahead of us in this statistic. I’m lying. We are just below Louisiana Tech. I can’t write a better joke than that (mostly because I’m not that creative).

Despite the mishaps on offense, USC scored 31 points, which should be enough to win a game against a team that only put up 6 points against Northwestern. Finally…

THE UGLY

I don’t think I’ve seen a worse defense, except maybe USC under Monte Kiffin (or the Cowboys under Monte Kiffin), in my life. For much of the second half, I began to believe I was watching another Will Ferrell documentary where he plays every position on the field and someone accidently forgot to take him out at middle linebacker.

The defense gave up 41 points, 474 total yards, and allowed Stanford to convert 8 for 12 on third down. Not only that, Stanford kept possession of the ball for two thirds of the game! Our defense was so bad, Todd McShay spent this week talking about Kevin Hogan’s draft stock which has now risen from Blockbuster levels to Radio Shack

It wasn’t that the defense was bad; they were consistently bad. I think I only saw Stanford punt twice. Which must have pissed off David Shaw to no end, because he never passes up an opportunity to use his special teams. No adjustments were made all game. Were any coaches present in the box? Did we do anything during halftime or were players and coaches too busy checking their phones to see if anyone slid into their DMs.

Did we not have 11 players on defense? How was any of Saturday possible?

Sark-O-Meter

Each week I will track Steve Sarkisian performance in order to determine whether or not he will be looking for work next year. (Inspired by @PFTCommenter’s Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter)

Sark is one loss away from being left on the Tarmac at the LAX airport like Kiffin. This loss falls completely on the coach. No adjustments were made during the game and the opponent was highly underestimated. Clock management during the last two minutes was unbelievable. With two timeouts and two scores needed, what does Sark do? He lets the clock run down and attempts to score the touchdown, while the stadium was screaming in unison, “KICK THE FIELD GOAL”. Pretty sure that was the loudest it was all game. No wonder his nickname is “Seven-Win Sark”.

Earlier this year Sark said the goal this season was to instill the defense with a “bully” mentality. If Saturday was the “bully” mentality he was looking for, then our next coach should be Richie Ingonito.

The Sark meter is at a 10 this week as he begins the first leg of “They All Suck” trio (ASU, Notre Dame, and UCLA). If he doesn’t come out with a win, he might as well start packing his bags, including all the alcohol he’s hidden in his desk, the the ceiling of his office, and Reggie Bush’s Heisman case because he won’t be back next year. Pat Haden might already be on the phone as we speak.

Chip, if you receive a call from a 213 area code, answer and hear what he has to say. #ChokeforChip

The Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

This week is simple: If we win out, we make it. Simple right? We can do this. We totally got it.

Our Opponent: Arizona State Sun Devils

I actually don’t know much about ASU, other than it being the safety school for the University of Arizona, which is really depressing. Side note: students have to pay an extra fifteen thousand dollars in tuition fees if you attend from out of state. If you are forcing your parents to pay that kind of money because you couldn’t get into a better school, let me tell you, the day before you move in will be the last time they love you. I assume the admissions process consists of a drunken fraternity bro swiping right for any and all females. ASU validates their existence as a university by ranking high on surveys for top party schools and having students frequently mentioned on Instagram accounts such as TFM and Barstool Sports. What that really says is this is a garbage school with garbage people. They celebrate touchdowns with the Shocker hand gesture.

City: Tempe

If I never step foot in the state of Arizona during my life, I will know I’ve done something right.

Stadium: Sun Devil Stadium

Biggest moment for this stadium was Rod Tidwell’s Monday Night Football win in the film Jerry McGuire. The only time an alumni will be “shown the money” is the one-dollar tip I may give them for the beer they’ll inevitably serve me.

Record: 2-1

The Sun Devils also lost in embarrassing fashion on a national televised game.

Series Record: 19-12 USC

This will be one of their biggest games of the season. All their students will have been stewing in 110 degree heat wishing they were sitting in the cool California sun like their smarter younger siblings and former classmates.

They will treat this like a Bowl game because they hate USC. It all started when Matt Leinart came and pillaged the girls for consistent amount of years during his time with the Trojans and Cardinals. Good thing this game isn’t on Fox Sports, or he’d make sure to be in attendance. By in attendance, I mean some dive bar in Tempe. Spoiler Alert: that’s all of them.

Coach: Todd Graham

Todd Graham was a lot more fun to mock when he was rocking the Britney Spears’ headset.

Offense:

Mike Berovici leads their offense. If you are unfamiliar, Berovici was the backup QB that threw 510 yards and 5 TDs including a Hail Mary to win the game against the Trojans last year. Turn away if you are faint of heart (NSFT = Not Safe for Trojans).

I don’t care what defensive play is called or what the coverage is, when is it is the last play of the game you don’t defend a Hail Mary like you’re making a fair catch on a punt. Hayes looks like he’s never won a game of three flies up in his life. Luckily, Pullard is now a member of the Browns, so he won’t have to worry about defending a lead for a while.

Jaelen Strong luckily moved onto the NFL and they have yet to find a top receiver to replace him. Their running back is Demario Richard aka “Baby Beast Mode” aka “Definitely Gave Himself His Own Nickname”. He has had back-to-back 100-yard games.

Defense:

Multiple starters return, lead by former walk on Jordan Simone. Jordan Simone is the cheap knock off brand cereal your mom brings home when all you really wanted was Scooby Wright. Simone’s dad also played football while attending ASU, so he fulfills all the requirements of an overachieving white linebacker. He will be underestimated in the draft and will hold that chip on his shoulder until he’s an All-Pro for the Green Bay Packers. Sorry, I think I just started to describe Clay Matthews.

Simone leads the team with 29 tackles. The Sun Devil’s defense is first in the league in tackles for loss, but also allowed the worst 215 rushing yards per game. Needless to say, we aren’t playing as tough of a defense as the Cardinal

Special Teams:

I refuse to talk about Special Teams until Adoree returns a kick or punt for a touchdown.

What’s The Line? (USC -5)

Current Record: 1-2

I don’t know how the Trojans can be favored down the road. Take the Sun Devils. Can’t trust this Trojan team for a while. Don’t bet on this game. In fact, never bet on USC ever.

Prediction:

This is a must win for the Trojans. If we lose, the season is over and it’s another year of underperformance. ASU will focus their defensive game plan on Juju Smith, who is third in the nation with 434 receiving yards. This will allow weaker coverage on Mitchell and Rodgers. Tre Madden looks like he will be able to play, which is good for our running attack. Our offense is set. Our defense, on the other hand, is a mess. If we don’t find a way to pressure Berovici, then this game will be settled by whoever has the ball last.

USC 45 – ASU 41

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous editors; Bridget, James, and Tommy.

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places