Smash Bros Purist Won’t Even Use Items in Bedroom

CHICAGO — Competitive Super Smash Bros. player Greg Bradley holds true to his principles beyond the game, refusing to use items in the bedroom, sources have reported.

“When you turn items on in the bedroom, you make it so sex is no longer a test of true skill,” Bradley said. “I’m not interested in sleeping with casual players. If you like having sex with items, then you simply aren’t on my level and we’re clearly looking for two different things in there.”

Emily Smith, Bradley’s most recent ex-girlfriend, thought Bradley was joking when she first heard of his no item rule. One year into their relationship, she learned he was very serious.

“He had it in his Tinder profile,” Smith said. “Large capital letters at the bottom: ‘NO ITEMS IN THE BEDROOM.’ I didn’t plan on sleeping with him right away, so it didn’t bother me. When I suggested bringing a vibrator into the bedroom later on in the relationship, though, he freaked out and asked if he could ‘counter-pick’ and move to the couch. I don’t know what that means.”

Certified sex therapist Dr. Jennifer Hammond has written extensively about the benefits of introducing items into a couple’s sex life. To Dr. Hammond, items are less about skill checks, and more about enhancing the pleasure of the shared experience.

“Even the most solid relationships will lose that sexual spark over time,” Dr. Hammond said over email. “Items are an easy way to rekindle that spark, provided both partners are interested in them. You can’t force anyone to turn on items in the bedroom, but I advise couples I counsel to keep an open mind about them.”

No matter what the experts say, adding items is non-negotiable for Bradley.

“To me, sex is best 1-on-1 on a flat bed, no items.” Bradley reiterated. “But, uh, if you have a fox mask, that’s fine. Only fox masks, though.”

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