The dilemma I’m a 25-year-old woman in her first serious relationship. We have been together for 15 months and he is exactly what you would want in a partner – loving, kind, accepting and ultimately makes himself totally available to me in all senses of the word. This is also exactly the opposite of any kind of man I have dated previously and I worry that those experiences have somehow scarred me. I find myself wishing he was more unavailable, less overtly loving and did not dote on me so much.

I feel I am attracted more to men I know to be bad news, particularly if they’re off limits, and I wish there was more passion in our relationship. None of this is helped by my having health problems recently. We have discussed moving in together and a big trip, but I find myself torn between this path and a very different partner and life.

I can’t tell if I am pursuing the idea of perfection, or if these are genuine issues that will leave me feeling dissatisfied and unhappy later down the line.

Mariella replies I’m so glad you wrote. It takes most of us so much longer to realise we’re making bad choices – three decades in the case of yours truly – so well done for spotting your romantic peccadillos so soon! Not that such self-awareness automatically gifts you with a crystal ball for future pairing. Taking that for granted would be tantamount to believing that we live in a fair and equal world and we all know that’s not the case. Any relationship is a gamble and while that can get us into all sorts of trouble along the way it’s also part of the fun.

The pursuit of perfection may be a compelling pastime that occasionally achieves tangible results, but in most cases it proves an everlasting and insatiable quest. You may well be in a relationship that’s ill-suited to your emotional requirements or you may just be overthinking things. As this is your first serious coupling it’s unlikely to be your last, which may sound harsh but that certainly takes the heat off and offers you a lot more exploratory freedom than you might feel at, say, 40.

When you say he is available to you in all senses I get nervous

You describe your previous preference for men who behave badly, but your choice of a “serious” boyfriend is the opposite of that description. Why so? Did self-preservation come into play or does the guy you’ve ended up with have more appealing qualities than you are giving him credit for? Nobody wants to while away their lives with a dullard, so I’m always cautious about those who are committed to “protecting”, “taking care of”, or worse still “worshipping” their lover.

A desperation to nurture you is as unwelcome an aspiration as serial adultery. All the best relationships I’ve witnessed have been those where partners don’t lose a sense of their own priorities. Therefore, when you say he “ultimately makes himself available to me in all senses of the word,” I get nervous. The answer seems to be to sample the experience for as long as you enjoy it and stop worrying about whether he’s the perfect proposition for the long haul. I can see you are tying yourself in knots trying to make the right choice, but what if there’s no such thing?

My advice would be to stop chewing over the long-term considerations and just accept this relationship in the here and now. Taking an extended trip seems an excellent way of establishing whether there is a possibility for anything longer term. If he doesn’t drive you crazy when you’re in constant close proximity, you’ll know that you stand a chance of cohabiting successfully. Nothing is laid in stone, life is an endless array of changes and choices and I suspect by conscientiously trying to do the best thing you’re limiting your experiences. Predicting the future is a fool’s game and yet it ties up so much of our emotional energy.

When you get to my age and start attending more funerals than weddings it’s a topic you can’t help but dwell on. What was time well spent? What was squandered? All too often it’s the energy expended on fretting and speculating about what might happen rather than living each day as the welcome surprise it is that seems worth regretting. It also seems time we all embraced a more realistic and contemporary approach to our pairings. Once upon a time the choice of who to settle down with was a serious business, particularly for women. When you’d made your choice, or had it made for you more often than not, there you were, stuck, until death did you part. Nowadays we can hook up and pair off, change our minds, stream through a whole regiment or decide our best friend was the person we wanted all along. Freedom brings with it an escalation of personal choice and that doesn’t make decision-making easier.

Being attracted to bad boys and hitching your wagon to one for life are very different things but you mustn’t live in fear of making mistakes. Worrying about the future is seriously detrimental to enjoying the present and I’m increasingly convinced that’s all we can be sure of. So enjoy the relationship for what it offers, or move on to more adrenaline-fuelled adventures – both routes have something to offer.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1