The doldrums of summer. The oppressive heat. The anticipation of football.

You can't blame a mind for wandering on days like this one. On days like this, even the most ridiculous, least newsworthy article is a welcome distraction. So, grin and bear it while I add content that is neither timely, newsworthy, important, or particularly well thought-out. I present a Mustache Guide to Louisville Cardinal Home Games (CFB 2016 Edition).



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Our University of Louisville Cardinals play six games in Papa John's Cardinal Stadium this fall, and I find myself in a great position this year. I recently moved back to Louisville, and my family has season tickets, a steady location set up for tailgating, and enough jackholes in CC Bird Masks to give serious concern to our neighbors. However, due to #AdultLife, there's a reasonable possibility that I will not be able to attend each of the home games. I assume this is the case for at least some of the readers of Card Chronicle (probably a minority...you're all rabid and dripping with passion and fanaticism for this football team, right?).



As such, I have developed a Mustache Scale to help determine how I prioritize which games I want to attend. Continue reading to see how these home games rank on the Official CardChronicle Mustache-O-Meter.



Charlotte - September 1st (Thursday - 7:00 pm)

Florida State - September 17th (Saturday - noon)

Duke - October 14 (Friday - 7:00 pm)

NC State - October 22 (Saturday - time tbd)

Wake Forest - November 12 (Saturday - time tbd)

Kentucky - November 26 (Saturday - time tbd)

Charlotte - Burt Reynolds Stroker ‘Stache

I don't think many people expect Charlotte to be the most competitive opponent that Louisville faces at home this season. It would be easy to overlook a team that just recently made the jump from FCS. I get it. BUT, this is the first game of the season. This is the first game where we get to crack open an ice cold Silver Bullet, cut loose, and party.

The Burt Reynolds Stroker Stache is the perfect mustache to represent our Charlotte game. It's an 8.5 out of 10 for the dimple-to-dimple excitement. This mustache has seen some sh!t, and it can be serious if it needs to be (Sharky's Machine). Or it can be a real pisser (Hooper). I expect Coach Petrino will have this team working tough to shake off any jitters not exorcised in practice, and by midway through the third quarter, when the score has the game out of reach from Charlotte, the mood will lighten a little (though you won't be able to tell from Bobby's demeanor), and the players will play with more excitement than fear. Toss back two more Coors, and let the remnants of those warm, Light beers tickle off the sides of your stache. This is going to be an old fashioned hootenanny, just like Ol' Burt likes.

Florida State - Sam Elliot Stranger Mustache

Oh good God. The mustache-o-meter is reading levels that are off the charts for this home game. Way past the cheeks, dribbling down towards the jowls.

Some analysts suggest that THIS is the game the propels Louisville not only into the ACC championship game but into the Eckrich Smoked Sausage NCAA 2016 College Football Playoff brought to you by Hertz Rent-A-Car! So the storylines around this game are more than enough to generate a Sam Elliot raised eyebrow. And the opportunity to knock off one of the conference's most obnoxious teams in recent history (crab legs), well shucks, pardner, the Stranger ‘stache abides.

In my opinion, this is the biggest, bushiest home game on the schedule. In the same way that the upper half of Sam Elliot's head hinges on that mustache, the national perception of this Cardinal team hinges on this game.

Duke - Alex Trebek Final Jeopardy Mustache

I know that Duke isn't a traditional football power, and the path to the ACC Championship Game doesn't often run through Durham, but David Cutliffe has done an admirable job at keeping this Blue Devils team competitive. If this was a Duke football team from ten years ago, this game wouldn't even warrant a Vincent Price Mustache. Do you remember when Duke's lawyers won a case against Louisville when they bailed on their four game contract with UofL? Their "we are terrible at football" defense was impeccable. However, amicable, kind David Cutliffe has worked his magic on the program, so much so that he was rumored to be on Tom Jurich's short list of candidates to replace Charlie Strong.

Like the high school episodes of Jeopardy, this should be a fun game. And we should win with the same emphasis and by the same margin that I beat those high schoolers when I play at home. This game comes after an off weekend, post-Clemson, so the players and fans are going to be as excited as they can be for this one.

FUN FACT: Duke used to have a football coach named Bill Murray.

North Carolina State - Creepy Grin Mustache

The Wolfpack creeps me out. Maybe it's from the memories of Teddy's freshman campaign when NC State whooped us in the Belk Bowl. Maybe I'm bothered because NC State was one of the teams that K[redacted]'s 2007 team somehow beat.

I don't expect this to be much of a game. Of course I want to see it, and I expect NC State will present a challenge. But this one is sandwiched between the Duke game and an upcoming visit to Charlottesville, VA. Bobby will probably be reigning it in on this one, playing conservatively. If the university thinks interest could wane for this game, this is probably where they announce a red out or a black out or something. I hope they don't. Coincidentally, these are the same colors that NCSt. employs, so it would totally backfire or be a wash.

Like the creepy guy with the creepy mustache and creepy smile, this one will make me chuckle, but only for a second. Then I'm ready to move on.

Wake Forest - Steve Buscemi Fargo Mustache

No. I just don't like it. Make it go away. Next week is the Houston game. That will be much better.

Kentucky - Jimmy Hart's Mouth of the South Mustache

Tell me if this mustache sounds familiar:

Pretty much the same year after year.

Long history of bad fashion choices

More success talking than actually competing

Brash and brazen without substance or victories

Tiny person in the midst of giants and powerhouses

Obnoxious as hell

Like UK's football program, Jimmy Hart's mustache is synonymous with being just one in a long series of poor decisions. And like most heel managers (Jimmy Hart will always be a heel in my eyes), everybody enjoys seeing him get knocked in the head and smacked in the mustache. I very much look forward to punching Stoops and Co right where they stick their megaphones.

And Jimmy Hart was great at hyping things up. While the importance of this game is debatable, it always comes with a lot of hype. Most of us grew up and learned to immediately recognize this person as being obnoxious. And way too many UK fans rock this haircut, amiright?