I’m single this year for the very first time. All I want is a man who’s not committed a crime. Oh boy. But that feels very unlikely in this landscape we’re in Much to my chagrin. And so I’m going on dates And I’m truck’n along But then all of these dudes, they say a million things wrong. So here’s some examples of the straight dating scene In two thousand and eighteen. Hey. Hey. Have you been reading the news? Yeesh! Maybe let’s order some booze? Well, I’d really like to hear about your views. This movement’s gotten just a touch out of hand. Well, change only happens after taking a stand. Hey! Would you ever want to come see my band? What did you say? Ugh! That’s not ok! I’m feeling triggered and you’ve ruined my day. Hey hey ho ho! Donald Trump’s gotta go! Join the resistance, you tone deaf Joe Schmoe. Singing ooh, This guy’s garbage Ooh, this guy’s clearly a foe. You see we’re victims of systemic oppression. Yeah, but thank God we’re in a time of progression. Your deflection is a microaggression. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t be mad. Aw, buddy. Do you have more to add? Hashtag not all men are that bad. What did you say? That’s not ok! I’m feeling triggered in every which way. Doesn’t that plant look great? Go ahead masturbate While I call Ronan Farrow to break up this date. Singing ooh, men are toxic. Oooh, Why on earth am I straight? So I think time is up, I’m done with this Even though I’m a white feminist I still need to complain. Oprah, please save my brain. So I assume you’ve roofied my beer. Geez, that joke is way too severe. Well, we’ve had a terrible year. I swear I sympathize with your plight. How? You’re a straight cisgendered man who is white. Wow, can I say anything right? What did you say? That’s not ok! My cat person doesn’t exist anyway. Unless it’s my cat. That’s it! I’ll marry my cat! He wouldn’t hurt me because he’s not like that. Singing ooh, Everyone meet Trent. Actually, cats can’t consent. Fair enough.