Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly:

Unexplained crashes are a common problem with electronic devices. If your computer freezes, it never hurts to try to coax it into working again with a quick kiss.

Machines with older hardware may have trouble multitasking. When you’re running a lot of programs simultaneously, feed a cold-cut into the computer’s disc drive so it has the energy to keep going.

If your internet browser fails to connect, try clicking “help” for a list of completely useless suggestions that will land you back at square one.

Abruptly turn your computer off and on again so it knows who really holds the power.

Don’t be elderly.

Many sudden laptop shutdowns occur because of overheating. Submerge your laptop in a bucket of ice water every 10-15 minutes to prevent it from getting too hot.

If one thing’s for sure, it’s that the computer was not this slow before you used it, Andy. You need to remember that this is a family computer. If you want to download all that junk you need to save up and get your own.

When diagnosing what’s wrong with your computer, just remember this simple mnemonic device: Alice Ate Four Carrot Cakes, But Tom Had None.

If someone tells you to back up your files, it’s a trap. Don’t fall for it. They’re just after your files.

Never, ever triple-click.

Too little free disc space on your computer can slow it down and cause problems. If you run out of room, drag your trash bin into a copy of your trash bin, a paradox that will give you unlimited hard drive space.