Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the LSU vs. Miami game:

“Welcome to one of the most exciting matchups of Week 1 of the college football season, featuring the nation’s most unintelligible coach going up against the nation’s most unintelligible fan base.

“Miami of course will be wearing a very interesting uniform combination, made entirely out of recycled checks from Nevin Shapiro and 2 Live Crew.

1st quarter

15:00

“Malik Rosier and Miami get the ball first. As long as he never has to throw under any circumstance, their offense should be in pretty good shape.

“Three and out and a shanked punt.

12:22

“LSU fumbles it right into a Miami player’s hands, but it ends up being a targeting call on the Canes and LSU gets the ball in the red zone. New-look Tigers offense is working to perfection.

“LSU’s kicker last played for a small college in front of a crowd of only 1,200. So he knows exactly what it’s like to play against Miami. Makes the kick with ease.

“LSU 3-0.”

6:50

“Rosier heaves two wild passes down the field to get the Canes in field goal range. Richt says that’s good enough and sends in a guy named Bubba to kick a field goal.

“This game is shaping up to come down to which team’s quarterback can embarrass their fans the least. Neither team can feel too confident.

“Tied 3-3.”

5:13

“Next possession, Joe Burrow throws a pass so awkward that legitimately everyone in the stadium thought it was a fumble. It takes slow motion instant replay to realize that yes, he did mean to do that. For the second time tonight, LSU rips the turnover chain off the necks of the Miami defense.

“The good news for LSU is that at least they haven’t wasted all of their timeouts … oh, no …

“Punt.”

1:51

“Miami’s offense is showing off all the hard work they did in the offseason on the deep fade out of bounds play.

“Meanwhile, UM’s kicker Bubba Baxa and his disturbingly mediocre high school stat line has become an internet sensation. He misses a kick and adds to his legacy.”

0:35

“LSU is already out of timeouts so Orgeron just has his team false start instead. The strategy works as the Tigers get a 50-yard touchdown run from Nick Brossette, whose name sounds like the frat boy version of Leonard Fournette.

“LSU 10-3.”

2nd quarter

12:34

“LSU brings in a fullback who looks like the star of a Twisted Sister cover band and converts a 4th-and-1. It now appears Coach O using up all of his timeouts in the first 10 minutes was some kind of intimidation move that obviously has Miami in shock.

“They finish the drive with another Brossette touchdown, and suddenly LSU fans are hoping they don’t use up too much of their season’s finite points in the first game.

“As usual, fans across the SEC talk about how incredible the conference would be if it weren’t for Tennessee.

“LSU 17-3.”

7:34

“Miami continues to pick up the new season where it left off last year, 3-and-out and a shanked punt. LSU kicks a field goal and memories of the turnover chain are starting to fade away like a photograph in Back to the Future.

“LSU 20-3.”

6:54

Like many former Miami greats, Malik Rosier was forced to perform some community service and gifts LSU 7 points off a tipped interception. This performance is making LSU look like Quarterback U.

“LSU 27-3.”

1:10

“Miami is penalized for leaping, a strong metaphor for all the better teams they were ranked ahead of in the preseason polls based solely on hype.

“LSU runs into the tunnel with a 24-point lead and a sinking feeling that Coach O might be around for a while. Go Tiguhs.”

3rd quarter

10:51

“Joe Montana … err, excuse me, Joe Burrow throws some strikes down the field to set up an LSU field goal and puts LSU up 30-3. The good news for the Canes is if you factor that down, they’re only behind 10-1.”

“LSU 30-3.”

4:12

“Uh-oh, Malik Rosier completes a couple passes in a row to get them in LSU territory … the Canes’ fans shouldn’t give up yet. Oh, wait. Never mind, he just threw another interception. Football season is over, maybe the Heat will be good.

“LSU’s DII kicker skips another field goal through the crossbar.

“LSU 33-3.”

0:33

“As if it couldn’t get any worse for Miami fans, the announcers are spending more time talking about Florida State than they are about the Hurricanes. Meanwhile, Mark Richt is entering the stage of his tenure where message boards are saying “Why is Richt calling plays, we need a real Offensive Coordinator.” Nobody tell them that this stage will last for another 8-10 years.”

4th quarter

14:08

“Malik Rosier runs in a short touchdown and Miami finally gets six points. Hopefully this will build some confidence for the tough road ahead in the ACC Coastal against Duke, North Carolina and Virginia.

“LSU 33-10.”

8:10

“Miami gets the ball back and scores in four plays. Every LSU fan who was thinking “there’s no way things could ever go this well for us, right?” is starting to think they might be right. And Mark Richt’s ability to do just enough so that there’s no real pressure on him continues to be second to none.

“LSU 33-17.”

4:14

“Miami gets the ball back again, and if you listen closely, you can hear the lower intestine of every LSU fan tighten, or that just might be how their stomachs works after years of consuming nothing but gumbo, hard liquor and squirrel. After a few first downs, the Tigers are eventually able to take down Rosier — even if it was by the facemask.

“LSU takes back over, runs out the clock and Coach O gives another hearty ‘Go Tiguhs’ before he runs off the field with an incredibly impressive win.

“Too bad everyone who watched Alabama play on Saturday knows none of this matters.”