FLINT, MI—Warning that he ran the only drug game in town as he firmly tugged back on the offender’s hair, Acreage Holdings executive John Boehner beheaded a Juarez Cartel gang member Wednesday in order to thwart an attempt to muscle in on the legal weed game. “Say adios, pendejo!” said the blood-splattered former House speaker, wielding his machete in one hand and the lackey’s severed head in the other while explaining that this was what happened when someone tried to mess with one of the largest legal marijuana distributors and growers in the country. “That’ll teach you and the other bastards in the Juarez gang to disrespect $119 million in seed funding and a diversified portfolio of cannabis dispensing operations. And, just in case they don’t get the point, I’m sending your poor little head down to Chihuahua as a gift so your compadres know to keep their ditchweed the hell out of Flint.” At press time, Boehner had stubbed out his cigarillo, loosened his bandolier, and sent the order to Acreage agents to flood the cartel’s border tunnels.

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