stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

VIDEO: member how Bray’s really creepy and Orton burned his house down which somehow burned Sister Abigail’s spirit to death even though she was already dead

UNIVERSE: yay wrestling

HERE COMES THE MONAAAAAAAAY and also YES, YES, YES, etc.

SHANE: we have no idea who should face Bray at Mania

BRYAN: I say Orton because Royal Rumble

SHANE: I say AJ because he beat Luke last week

BRYAN: so AJ and Orton are gonna fight tonight to see who fights Bray at Mania

JBL: THAT’S THE GREATEST MAIN EVENT IN SMACKDOWN HISTORY

SHANE, BRYAN: is everyone caught up now

UNIVERSE: we already were, why did you take 15 minutes to do this

SHANE and BRYAN are backstage

SHANE, BRYAN: well hi AJ

AJ: there’s a conspiracy against me, imma beat Orton, you two suck

a wild JOBBER appears

JOBBER: I put the mac in Smackdown, here’s my friend who is a girl

CARMELLA enters

CENA: BRRRRRRR APParently it’s time for me to have a match

NIKKI enters too

suddenly AWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAM

NIKKI: I am very distracted right now

CARMELLA: good, here’s a kick and some chokes

MIZ: me and Maryse are on commentary now

NIKKI: hey Cena, tag

JOBBER: oh crap

CARMELLA: go fight Cena

JOBBER: I’d rather not

CENA: have a light breeze

JOBBER dies

CARMELLA: hey Cena don’t do that

NIKKI: an idiot says what

CARMELLA: what

NIKKI kills CARMELLA

CENA, NIKKI: stereo five-knuckle/AA/STF

JOBBER and CARMELLA tap, MIZ and MARYSE beat up CENA and NIKKI

MIZ: me and Maryse are a real couple, Cena and Nikki are fake

MARYSE: also Nikki is a b-word

RENEE: hey Orton, you have a match tonight, how bout that

ORTON: Imma beat AJ

RENEE: k

oh look another JOBBER

JOBBER: hey Dean come face the facts

DEAN kills JOBBER

DEAN: hey Baron, you have no testicles, now fight me

BARON’s on the Tron

BARON: I’ll fight you later

DEAN: nah imma come fight you now

JOBBER is somehow not dead yet, DEAN kills JOBBER again, DEAN goes looking for BARON

a commercial happens

DEAN is still looking for BARON

INTERVIEWER: hey Mojo you have an announcement, how bout that

MOJO: Imma be in the Andre the Giant Battle Royale

suddenly DOLPH

DOLPH: heellllllllllll voiceeeeeeee

MOJO: you suck

DEAN is still looking for BARON

suddenly BARON, BARON kills DEAN

BARON: oh look a forklift

BARON actually crushes DEAN with a forklift

UNIVERSE: we’re getting No DQ at Mania aren’t we

here’s BLISS

BLISS: I’m not gonna fight Naomi, Nikki, Carmella, or Becky at Mania

suddenly BECKY

BECKY: shut your face, imma fight you at Mania

suddenly NATTIE

NATTIE: I’m just as good as Bliss so imma fight her at Mania

BLISS: nah you’re the actual worst

suddenly MI – oh wait MICKIE is already here

MICKIE: obviously Bliss is going to fight me at Mania

BLISS: nah

MICKIE: wait what

NATTIE: Mickie has an ugly face tho

YES, YES, YES, etc.

BRYAN: hey Bliss your promo sucks and you get to fight literally every woman on the roster at Mania

BLISS: you can’t do that

BRYAN: um that’s literally my job

BEAR: those were pretty much the exact lines, why do I even abridge this show

BRYAN: holla holla tag match right now playa

NATTIE and BECKY fight BLISS and MICKIE

BLISS: here’s some offense

NATTIE: here’s some more offense, tag

BLISS: tag

BECKY: armdrag city and kip

BLISS: hey actually Mickie tag and pin

BECKY: nah, pin

BLISS: nah

MICKIE: tag

BECKY: time to be the face in peril

MICKIE and BLISS beat up BECKY

BECKY: time to not be in peril anymore

BECKY beats up MICKIE and BLISS

NATTIE: bored now

NATTIE punches BECKY and leaves

MICKIE: ooh this looks like a chance to do something

BLISS: tag

MICKIE: um

BLISS: pin

BLISS wins

MICKIE: hey Bliss have a mick kick

BLISS: ow

TOM: buy Summerslam tickets, also Dean is in the hospital

JBL: COMING UP NEXT THE GREATEST MAIN EVENT IN SMACKDOWN HISTORY

ARIES: last night I punched Neville, imma talk about it on 205 Live

AJ: I made Smackdown phenomenal, Orton committed actual arson so why is he even fighting me, imma beat Orton and fight Bray at Mania

JBL: THIS IS THE GREATEST MAIN EVENT IN SMACKDOWN HISTORY

UNIVERSE: seriously we get it, isn’t making history Raw’s thing tho

AJ and ORTON have a fight

AJ: ambush

ORTON: RK-

AJ: no, have a headlock

ORTON: I do not like this headlock

AJ: good, have some more headlock

ORTON: nah

ORTON beats up AJ in the ring

ORTON: time to go outside the ring

ORTON beats up AJ outside the ring

AJ: Imma hurt your leg

ORTON: ow

MAURO: THIS IS STILL THE GREATEST MAIN EVENT IN SMACKDOWN HISTORY

UNIVERSE: WE GET IT

AJ: Imma beat up your leg

ORTON: k but powerslam tho

AJ: nah

ORTON: maybe a top rope suplex

AJ: nah, have a backbreaker and pin

ORTON: nah, have all my moves of doom

AJ: nah, have all MY moves of doom

this goes on for a bit

ORTON: RK-

AJ: no again, pele kick, and I WILL NOW PHENOMENAL FOREA-

ORTON: RK-

AJ: NO AGAIN lol I totally faked you out and 450 spl-

ORTON: RKOOUTTANOWHERE

ORTON wins

UNIVERSE: cool