NEW YORK—Straining their eyes from the opposite wall of the gallery, the nation finally stood far enough away from one of Jackson Pollock’s artworks to realize it is actually a realistic still life painting of fruit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We thought it was just a bunch of different colors splattered across the canvas, but when you stand way back here you can see a photorealistic orange, pear and mango,” said the U.S. populace, marveling at Pollock’s masterful use of light on the gleaming pitcher sitting atop a tablecloth. “We were standing way too close before, but once we stepped back about 500 feet, it became obvious this was a classic still life painting. When other people would talk about how great Jackson Pollock is, we just nodded in agreement even though we didn’t really get it, but now we can see that he was really talented. It makes a lot more sense why we had to learn about him in school and why his paintings are on display in all those big important museums.” At press time, the nation was struggling to comprehend the newest piece of blurry nonsense Chuck Close had just debuted.

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