130,000 deaths due to austerity was a personal best but I could have killed more, says wistful Cameron

David Cameron has revealed that his killing spree could have been even greater if he’d committed a little more effort to inflict austerity upon the nation.

A report released in June concluded that more than 130,000 deaths in the UK since 2012 could have been prevented if improvements in public health policy had not stalled as a direct result of austerity cuts – a figure which the former Prime Minister thinks could have been higher if he’d gone at it harder and faster, like he did with that pig carcass one time.

“I was trying to pace myself, you see,” he told journalists ahead of the launch of his book, due to happen in a couple of days time.

“You can’t just kill hundreds of thousands in the first year or so, otherwise people start saying ‘dictator’ this and ‘murderous bastard’ that. You have to do it steadily, but I made the error of easing off towards the end instead of pushing even harder.

“Like that time at the Olympics when Usain Bolt turned and grinned at the camera before he’d crossed the finishing line. What didn’t help was having Nick Clegg moaning in my ear for half the time about the ethical issues of killing poor people. The bloody useless snowflake.”

David Cameron’s book ‘For The Record’ goes on sale on Thursday, and will be available in all good charity shops the following week.