There is a horrible possibility that, given the current state of the world, all future US elections will be won by whichever candidate is most famous. Scarlett Johansson knows this, which is why she is actively not ruling out a possible career pivot to politics. And the Democrats seem to know this too, because why else would they have asked Veep star Julia Louis-Dreyfus to run for office?

But, look, we need some really big guns in this climate, and neither Johansson or Louis-Dreyfus are big enough to save us. Instead, here are the celebrities who really should be running for government.

Democrats

George Clooney

Photograph: Axel Schmidt/AP

George Clooney is a natural choice for president. He’s thoughtful, photogenic, active and impervious to political screening on the basis that nothing in his life can possibly be as embarrassing as Batman and Robin. Clooney has spent years teasing the world about a potential run for office – his Wikipedia page even has a photograph of him conscientiously kissing his fingers above the caption “Clooney discusses Sudan with President Barack Obama at the White House in October 2010” for crying out loud – but maybe now is the time for him to take that leap.

Elizabeth Banks

Photograph: UPI / Barcroft Images

Elizabeth Banks is a natural campaigner. Remember in the last election, when she rounded up famous friends like Jane Fonda and two people from Modern Family to record an a cappella version of Fight Song for Hillary Clinton? True, that video did nothing to help Hillary’s chances – in fact, it was such an out-of-touch display of liberal Hollywood smuggery that there’s quite a strong possibility it actually helped her lose – but imagine what sort of all-star a cappella line-up she’d be able to scare up if it was her running for office instead.

Tom Hanks

Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

OK, no messing about here. All Tom Hanks needs to do is say “I want to be president” and he’ll automatically be president. That’s how universally beloved Tom Hanks is. Everyone would vote for him. It would be a landslide. Even if he said “I want to be president, and also kill puppies with a hammer”, you’d still vote for him. Even if he said “I want to be president, but only if I can suffocate your granny with a pillow during my inauguration”, you’d still vote for him. He’s Tom Hanks, for crying out loud. The man is a treasure.

Republicans

Mel Gibson

Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Here are the facts. The current president got where he is by being a lecherous racist egomaniac with what seems to be a fairly pronounced personality disorder. There is clearly an enormous groundswell of support for that kind of person, but where can you possibly go after him? The answer is Mel Gibson. In terms of character and beliefs, he is basically POTUS 45 after being bitten by a radioactive spider. Sexist? Yes. War-obsessed? Yes. Bit iffy about Jewish people? Oh dear God yes. If Mel Gibson ran, I guarantee that Mel Gibson would win.

Melissa Joan Hart

Photograph: YouTube

Admittedly Melissa Joan Hart didn’t vote Republican last year. Instead she voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson, a politically agnostic move that erred on the side of the genuinely batshit. However, this is indicative of Melissa’s belief that the two-party system is fundamentally flawed. You know who else has that belief? Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is out of favour in the White House, he could do much worse than hitching his wagon to her star instead. Watch out Mr President: MJH is coming for you, and if we’re lucky she’ll bring her freakish cat puppet with her too.

Donald Trump

Photograph: Murdo Macleod/The Guardian

OK, fine, I’ll admit that I’m only including Trump on this list because I ran out of ideas. In truth, the man is simply a reality TV star, and therefore nowhere near famous enough to qualify as president. However, if in some collective moment of shared delusion, the American people did come together and make Trump president, it’s almost certain that he’d immediately reveal himself as a thin-skinned braggart with no real understanding of government, whose every move would immediately be undermined by tweets that he’d written and posted before running for office. Fortunately, I’m certain that nobody is stupid enough to actually make that happen.