This week, I’ll be responding to an ally question submitted to my website. If you would like me to answer a question, or if you would like some advice, please email me at askadabt@gmail.com.

H.S. emailed:

Hi Ada. My name is H. I’m 24, and I feel like I’m not doing a good job at being an ally. I try to support my LGBTQIA+ friends by making sure I use the correct pronouns and supporting them unconditionally. Am I missing a step here? Any advice you could give is greatly appreciated. H.S.

Hi H,

I think you’re off to a great start. I covered a good deal of what I think makes a good ally here, but perhaps I can expand upon that a bit and give you some resources.

First off, thanks so much for using your friends’ correct pronouns. As silly as it may sound, that can make a trans person’s day. Well, it always makes this trans person’s day whenever it happens, but I’m still pretty frequently clocked as male. Of course, as I mentioned in my previous post, don’t beat yourself up too much if you slip up from time to time. Mistakes happen, and nobody’s perfect. Just do your best to take note of it and move on. Now, I’m a trans woman, so that’s where a majority of my experience lies. I won’t pretend that I’m able to speak on behalf of trans men or non-binary folks. When in doubt, just ask.

Personally, I love it when my friends offer to go shopping with me and help find my style. Of course, this will depend upon your friend’s comfort level, as it can be stressful to out yourself early on in your transition. Personally, it took many months before I was comfortable enough to try clothes on in a store. Don’t push your friend. Just make the offer, and if they say no, that’s OK.

If your friend is uncomfortable with the idea of shopping, maybe try to think of some at-home activities that can help your friend express their gender. For trans women—or anyone, really—that may be doing makeup. I was woefully behind my cis-lady friends when it came to makeup. Often, cis women have years of practice doing basic makeup, but trans women often get no practice whatsoever until adulthood. Give them a hand if they want it. It’s often a great bonding experience.

Honestly, just include your transfeminine friends in all of the “girly” activities you may take for granted—like sleepovers, spa days, etc…. Really make them feel like one of the girls.

If you’d like to get a better feel how to help out your friends, please reach out to PFLAG. They likely have a local chapter and can provide lots of great resources for allies of the Queer community.

And of course, if you have any more questions, don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

With respect,

Ada