Ford Debuts New RAD-TRAD X9 Van

Just in time for back-to-homeschool, Ford’s roll-out of the new RAD-TRAD X9 is a nod toward its largest conversion van market segment: radical traditional Catholics.

The 15-passenger van, guaranteed to take up two or more parking spots at parish events, arrives at dealerships next week.

Intentionally built to pre-Vatican II safety standards, Ford’s engineers avoided certain modernist frills like seat-belts and air bags. Nevertheless, reports suggest the RAD-TRAD X9’s low emissions of venial-grade wanderlust are fully California-compliant.

The van features automatic retractable steps for easier egress while wearing even the most frumpy modesty-ware. State of the art, flat-earth-based GPS navigation, spare chapel veil cubbies, and parental media controls that block offensive stations like ESPN and EWTN are also included.

It comes standard with five controversial bumper stickers, most of which don’t make any sense to other drivers stuck behind the four-cylinder van, which reaches speeds as high as 50mph on the freeway.