First, a word of caution.

If you are the type who goes to Whole Foods and spends 20 bucks on single-mill black truffle olive oil to drizzle on your portobello burgers, then dear god, stop reading now.

This story is about real food — the stuff that you can buy for a buck. If the world came to an end and you were living in a bomb shelter, this food would still be edible.

Besides, what are you doing shopping for truffle oil when the stock market is crumbling?

A few years back, documentary maker Morgan Spurlock ate McDonald’s for 30 days. He gained 24 pounds, his cholesterol shot through the roof, and he experienced sexual dysfunction.

If Spurlock could make an entire documentary out of eating Big Macs for 30 days, I figured I could at least spend a week solely eating at my favourite store, Dollarama. What better place to shop during a recession?

Bank of Canada Gov. Mark Carney has said we have taken on too much debt as consumers are retrenching their spending habits.

Eating only Dollarama food would be a commentary on the stock market downturn, of food banks and the need for a living wage, the globalization of the food product industry, trans fats and poverty and the rise of chronic disease. At least that’s what I pitched to the editor.

Mostly it was about trying to eat a pile of prepackaged foods without getting indigestion. Or sexual dysfunction. Indigestion I can handle.

Some friends looked at me as if I had just received an assignment to be embedded with the Taliban.

“Really. You’re really doing what?” says a wide-eyed Moneyville Moms On Money blogger Madhavi Acharya Tom-Yew when I tell her of my experiment. “I don’t think you should go through with it.”

I told Madhavi, who prides herself on making an Extreme Couponer look like a flagrant spendthrift but refuses to eat dollar-store food, that no animals would be hurt in this experiment, except possibly my liver.

A confession: Unlike the Star’s Katie Daubs, a picky eater who gags at the taste of mustard, I have no problems eating day-old pizza or doughnuts that have been calcified into Precambrian rock by sitting around on the windowsill for too long.

For breakfast, I have been known to eat McCain’s frozen coconut crème pie, bought on sale for a dollar at No Frills. Once, when filling in for Star movie critic Peter Howell, I was kicked out of the reserved seats at the theatre because no real critic would be caught dead consuming an extra large tub of buttered popcorn and a jumbo Pepsi while doing the serious job of watching a movie. (I think it was Cheaper by the Dozen 2.)

So, I can say that for most of my life, I have basically trained harder than any Navy Seal for this assignment. Minus the push-ups.

But that does not impress nutritionist and dietitian Nicole Springle, acting director of nutrition for the Cleveland Clinic Canada.

“Wow. Eating this stuff for a week is going to be a real challenge,” says Springle.

Springle says without fresh fruit and vegetables, my body will eventually start to deplete of basic vitamins and minerals such as potassium and magnesium. I will then eventually die. But maybe not in a week.

She warns me that eating my favourite green gummy bears does not count as vegetables.

“Good luck,” she says. “But you may need to detox after.”

MONDAY

The dollar store is the graveyard where brands go to die. There is Hannah Montana energizing foot scrub for a buck. Daisy Fuentes Shampoo for $2. Toy Story 3 bubble bath. You didn’t know there was a Toy Story 3 did you?

The Dollarama at Woodside Square in Scarborough is your typical 10,000-square-foot behemoth. It’s amazing what you can get at the dollar store. Dollarama used to be one of the few “honest” dollar stores in town where everything really was a buck. Over the last few years it’s now priced items anywhere from a buck to $2. Still cheap, but not quite the bargain it used to be.

Rest assured, it is the place where you can always pick up a knitted bear sweater with a maple leaf for $1.50. The Scream Halloween mask is $2.

The food selection though has exploded over the years. The dollar store always had a five-star snack-food aisle. But now it’s stocked with enough ready-to-eat meals to keep 2012 apocalypse types happy.

The variety is incredible. And there are even brand names like Snapple and E.D. Smith. But mostly it is a bunch of stuff made in Egypt and Portugal with names I’ve never heard of. I marvel at the miracle of the supply chain that something that could be made in Egypt can still be sold for a buck in Canada. I also wonder what the heck they put in it.

Breakfast: I am rushing in to work. Have an Insta-Coffee Cappuccino. Just add water. A surprising 160 calories for such a tiny cup. A buck for two. Yummy!

Lunch: A can of chili for a loonie. Not bad, but tastes watery. With 740 mg of sodium, it’s 31 per cent of recommended daily value.

On the side I break out some Portuguese bruschetta sticks, 18 mini slices for $2. Sort of like Melba toast with “real” oregano and olive oil.

Dinner: Chow mein for two bucks? Count me in.

It’s ready in three minutes and the fork is included!

Ingredients include flour, water, salt, garlic chestnuts and bamboo shoots.

The picture on the box looks great. Inside, there is a foil pouch with toppings and a plastic pouch with noodles.

The toppings look nothing like the picture. More like a salty brown gravy sludge. The noodles taste like Play Doh.

I offer it to my wife, Sharon. “Seriously, I’m going to throw up,” she says.

I guess that was a no.

I’m still hungry. I have a $2 American tuna salad with potatoes as a side. But that tiny 240-gram plastic container holds 1.9 grams of salt, or 80 per cent of the recommended daily intake. The chow mein is relatively benign in comparison with 950 milligrams or about 40 per cent of the recommended intake.

“You have to watch the sodium. That’s the real killer,” says dietitian Springle.

Yeah, but it’s ready in three minutes and comes with its own fork. What’s not to like?

TUESDAY

Breakfast: Mini muffins, 12 for $2. This time I’m treating myself to a french vanilla cappuccino. Even comes with a stir stick. They think of everything.

Dinner: Artificially flavoured ranch and bacon pasta salad for $1.25.

The package suggests adding chicken, roast beef or ham. I throw in some canned meatballs. Not bad.

I settle in to watch Bachelor Pad. Bad reality TV and packaged food go great together. God, Jake Pavelka is a clueless tool. Vienna is a witch. I can feel my blood pressure rising. Maybe hypertension from all this salt I’m loading up on?

Note to self: Wife already wants to kill me. We haven’t had a decent meal and there’s still five days to go.

WEDNESDAY:

Breakfast: Skipping the coffee. This time soothing Dollarama green tea. I’m indulging in some butterfly cookies, about 18 of them for $1.25.

They’re not bad, but a serving of just two cookies equals almost a quarter of my saturated fat intake at 2 grams. It also has 5 grams of trans fat.

Springle says trans fats are the devil. She suggests 2 grams max.

I forget to tell her that I have already eaten eight of them.

Lunch: Primo hearty chicken soup with 35 per cent less sodium than its previous version. That rings in at “only 26 per cent” of my recommended daily allowance. No complaints though for $1.25.

Dinner: The $1 gravy and meatballs looks suspiciously like Alpo. However, it goes well with some decent Dollarama bread, canned corn niblets and more of that yummy bruschetta.

I put a white tablecloth on the dining room table and light some candles. I use the good china. Maybe Sharon will feel the romance.

THURSDAY:

The Dollarama in downtown Toronto’s Moss Park neighbourhood is in one of the more destitute areas of the city. About a third of households are designated low income.

Here you become acutely aware that while I’m eating Dollarama food for a week, some people have no other choice. Or some are lucky if they can afford Dollarama at all.

Dylan, a 32-year-old panhandler on the sidewalk, says he sometimes goes in for a treat when he’s got enough in the orange plastic beach pail he uses to solicit loose change.

“I like their biscuits and chocolate bars, but I’d rather go to Tim Hortons for real food,” he says.

I’m trying to concentrate on what he’s saying, but after four days on the diet I’m feeling lethargic. I also have a hard time focusing.

I apologize to Dylan, but he seems to know what I need. A power drink from Dollarama.

“Picks you up good,” he said.

I buy something called RAGE, one for me, and one for Dylan.

That does the trick. But my cranky level is up tenfold.

Before I leave, I load Dylan up with a Dollarama care package of snacks and prepared meals.

I don’t smoke, but I feel the need to bond with another diner. I reach into my pocket and give him a pack of my favourite Popeye Candy Sticks, the ones that taste like chalk and have zero nutritional value. I can only seem to find them at Dollarama.

“For the road,” I tell him.

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Lunch: A tuna snack for $1.25 and a seafood salad Niçoise for $2 (why does everything sound better in French?).

Dinner: Teriyaki Sesame Noodles for $1.50. Better than the chow mein. But eating a bowl of Lego would be better than the chow mein.

FRIDAY:

A co-worker is eating a peach. The smell is intoxicating. That peach is talking to me. I could maybe take a bite when she puts it down on her desk.

Dinner: I can’t remember. Something in a package. I think it was pad Thai.

Note to self: There is no such thing as good pad Thai for $2.

Sharon is eating a spinach salad. So much for team spirit. She says I’m getting cranky and moody eating all of this processed food.

“I wouldn’t eat your stupid salad if you offered it to me,” I tell her.

“You’re stupid,” she says.

“No, you’re stupid,” I reply as I plow into my Mr. Moo Chips ‘N Cheese Ready To Eat Fun Snack.

SATURDAY:

Breakfast: Sweet Shack pancake mix for $1.50. The picture shows strawberries on top. Dollarama mixed fruit does the trick for a buck, doused in pancake syrup. The mix is made in Germany for Dollarama. It’s edible, but I think the Germans definitely make better cars.

Beverage: Wild harvest berry wine cooler with 0.5 per cent alcohol for a buck. I wish I had discovered this earlier.

Dinner: It’s spaghetti for a loonie, mixed with Dollarama hearty spaghetti sauce and tinned mushrooms. Thumbs up — the sauce is flavourful and the pasta is firm and a little chewy.

But despite the fibre in the noodles, my bowels are completely blocked. Springle warned me that a lack of fibre means that you can lock up at any time.

Note to Dollarama: Stock Metamucil. You’ll make a killing.

SUNDAY: My last day on the Dollarama diet. I’m constipated, I have trouble concentrating, and I’m cranky.

Note to self: Must cut back on that RAGE stuff.

Breakfast: Dollarama whole wheat bread and marmalade chased down by soy milk.

Dinner: Tonight I decide to “make” a pizza for my wife as a special treat.

For a toonie I get a pizza starter kit made from “Canadian prairie wheat and filtered water” which comes complete with tomato sauce. I toss the ready-made pie in the air. I feel like I’m actually making something.

For toppings I put on some Dollarama chopped garlic, tinned mushrooms, and a $1 tin of escargot. Who would think you can get escargot for a buck? Voila. Gourmet pizza in 10 minutes.

Sharon, grimacing at a sea of $1 slugs on her pizza, bravely takes a bite: “Not bad, I think.”

Winner, winner, pizza dinner!

Dessert: Flan cake for $1.50 topped with canned peaches and mandarin oranges. A home run.

Happy note to self: I now have so many preservatives in my system that if they buried me tomorrow my corpse wouldn’t age.

EPILOGUE

After a week, 21 ready-to-eat “meals” and thousands of calories later, I have learned that you can eat with variety on the Dollarama diet, and survive. There are avid shoppers who buy dollar-store food regularly because that’s all they can afford. There are others who do so because they feel they’re getting value.

A lot of the food is good, but some of it is plain awful.

If you’re looking for bargains, other discounters such as No Frills and Price Chopper offer great dollar deals as well — Dollarama doesn’t have a monopoly on value.

I am amazed at what you can get for a buck or two — but it’s probably a good idea to throw in the odd fresh fruit and vegetable.

Now, for the love of god, where’s that peach?

Chip flix clicks with Dollarama COO

Stephane Gonthier is one of the few people who have likely eaten more Dollarama food than I have.

His favourite item is the Chip-Flix salt and vinegar. The chief operating officer of the Montreal-based chain also likes the canned mandarin oranges and swears by the $2 risotto from Italy.

He’s also visited the Ontario plant that makes the $2 pizza kit that I made for dinner.

“It’s very good, I’ve tried it myself,” said Gonthier.

He says people are sometimes surprised at the extent of food carried by the chain. But what about the stigma associated with eating food from a dollar store?

“We are confident and happy about the quality of our products,” says Gonthier. “We have always been highly concerned with product safety and we have adopted very strict guidelines to ensure food quality.”

While Dollarama is the largest dollar-store operator in the country with close to 667 locations, Gonthier says the company has no plans to expand into a full-fledged food retailer.

So don’t expect a fresh fruit or produce department anytime soon.

But as the company’s stores have gotten larger, to the average 10,000-square-foot range, the food aisles have also grown and gained in popularity, said Gonthier.

What I did notice is that the dollar store cuts across all demographic levels. Gonthier says shoppers come for value — and even the wealthy like to save a buck. But I bet they still take a pass on a second purchase of the pad Thai.