bullet Hooli-Con Keynote Blows Up, and Not in a Good Way

By: C.J. Cantwell

After a thrilling day of booths, talks, panels and demos, Hooli-Con culminated in a show-stopping keynote by CEO “Action” Jack Barker – but it may not have been quite the kind of show-stopping Barker was hoping for. In his first ever Hooli-Con keynote, Hooli’s new CEO told the audience to turn on the newly installed HooliVR in their HooliPhones, and audience members across the auditorium jumped up – not with excitement, but panic – as their phones exploded in their pants, hands, and for a select few, in their cell phone holsters. Yes, they still make those.

Adults and children (or possibly child-like sounding adults, hard to say amidst the pandemonium) screamed. I spoke to one man who showed me his hands were slightly red from the explosion. While the cause of the malfunction is not yet known, we expect a statement from Hooli soon.

Prior to the disaster, Barker did discuss upcoming Hooli technology, including a visit from Mr. Download and a rundown of Hooli C++ (“really, truly, only the best parts of C++”). But nothing that preceded the VR disaster could make up for the fiery grand finale. We all held our breath to see just what Hooli-Con would be without Gavin Belson. Turns out, we should have worn our fire-retardant pants.