If you have been watching Fox News lately (which I don’t, because they’re too liberal), you may have heard something about a war on masculinity. Fox News contributor Brit Hume, a true American patriot if I’ve ever seen one on television, received undeserved flak this week for shedding light on the dangers of being a straight white man.

“Men today have learned the lesson the hard way that if you act like kind of an old-fashioned guy’s guy, you’re in constant danger of slipping out and saying something that’s going to get you in trouble and make you look like a sexist or make you look like you seem thuggish or whatever. That’s the atmosphere in which he operates. This guy is very much an old-fashioned, masculine, muscular guy, and there are political risks associated with that. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but that’s how it is.”

Hume is absolutely right. There is no group that has been discriminated against and unfairly treated more than the masculine male. We should be treated as a protected class and ensured the same rights and protections as everyone else, mainly women and minorities who get all the wealth and power handed to them.

However, while Fox’s heart may be in the right place on this issue, they have got it wrong. Fox News thinks that feminists have turned men into wussies. But that is not the case at all. They have done something much more sinister: they have made masculinity gay!

After decades of feminism, the muscular masculine male is more idolized than ever! Even the most muscular men can never be good enough. More and more young men are getting into bodybuilding, sports, and steroid use. More and more young men are developing eating disorders in their quest to look “ripped”. Far from turning men into skinny, limp-wristed effeminate creatures… after decades of feminism, young men are now more obsessed with masculinity than ever before!

Masculine young men are, in fact, so obsessed with musculature and masculinity that they idolize men who are better looking than themselves. This obsession simulates the same neurological response as attraction… thus making all men who aspire to be masculine feel urges and feelings that are not completely unlike homosexual urges!

This is the real devious scheme of the liberal left! Instead of the “Fox News” scenario of changing straight men into wimpy guys… liberals have pressured men to be so manly that they turn homosexual!

How do I know this? Well, for the first twenty years of my life, I never felt any desire to go to the gym because I assumed that being a brilliant genius and bonafide conservative hero should have been enough to allow me to have (post-marital) sex with lots of blonde women, as God intended.

But now, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I have only held hands nine times with four women. To fix this, I’ve been at the gym four days a week, looking at the bulging biceps of the sweaty men next to me, fantasizing about being them.

About being them… which is a completely normal conservative Christian heterosexual NORMAL thing to fantasize about! Then one day, one of them asked if I wanted to “fool around” in the shower room, because he thought I “was clearly checking him out.”

So it’s official: liberal feminists have turned masculinity into “a gay thing”. You want proof? Just look what working out and being tanned and fit did to poor Republican Congressman Aaron Schock.

The inherent contradiction between traditional images of “masculinity” and today’s images of “being gay” is enough to give any normal, right-minded conservative a nervous break-down! It’s hard enough to keep our nice, neat divisions between “right” and “wrong”, “man” and “woman”, and “gay” and “straight” without confusing images like this to muddle things up:

So in conclusion, there is only one thing us real American patriotic men can do to combat this: be fat, lazy, and stupid.

BE FAT LAZY AND STUPID, like our traditional conservative heroes, so that you don’t accidentally turn gay.

It’s the only way to fight liberal feminism.

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