My mom’s puppy just peed on the floor.

Let me back up. I have a plan that will save the country by rooting out corruption, streamlining efficiency and making sure our legislators have our best interests at heart.

Now back to my analogy. The dog just peed on the floor. What did we do to teach it? We slapped him on the butt and scolded him. He now knows better.


Herein lies the problem with the government. The dog learned because he faces physical repercussions if he pees on the floor again. Our elected officials don’t have that fear.

They say we have checks and balances, but it’s more like blank checks and over balances.

And since we the electorate seem to have a problem with retaining inefficient elected officials while simultaneously getting screwed over by them, I propose a system simply titled “Slaps and Hugs.”

(NOTE: READ THIS ARTICLE ON PLASTIC BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE LIKE THIS).

Here is how it works. Elections are held the same way, but we actually ADD more to the works.

It starts off this way. Taxes have to be raised by a marginal bit at first. It’s the cost of having a more efficient government in the beginning. But eventually it will be so streamlined, we’ll be like Huell in that scene from “Breaking Bad.”

This will fund the venture. Next, we set up a system to hire impoverished, unemployed people from rural and urban areas who are good at both hugs and beating people up. This has a dual effect of lowering unemployment and potentially dropping the crime rate.

Hiring is done on a first-come/first-serve basis to be fair.

Then every three months, there is a text-based vote where everyone in America texts either “SLAP” or “HUG” to a number for the President, his cabinet, the Senate and the House of Representatives.

The votes for each official are tallied, and if the HUGs outweigh the SLAPs, then the official gets a big old bear hug and gets to feel good about themselves for three months.

But if they get more SLAPs than HUGs, they get a vicious, merciless beating for five minutes.

They are not allowed to fight back, or else they face 10 years in a federal penitentiary.

Furthermore, we’ll put the whole ordeal on television and sell advertisements. All of the proceeds will go to the education system so that our children can finally math and English good.

Wait that’s not right. Math and English WELL. There we go.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d probably think twice before completely screwing someone out of their veterans’ benefits while letting rich bankers destroy the economy if I knew at the end of the day I’d get beat up.

This process is repeated ad infinitum, and voila! Efficient government.

By now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Self, that seems like a good idea, but how do we make sure that the slapper-hugger doesn’t become cronies with the politicians?”

That’s a good question Self. And there’s a good answer: they aren’t allowed contact with each other outside of the slap-hug event. Also, why’d your parents name you Self? Seems irresponsible and a little confusing.

We also hire on a rolling basis. Officials can hold the job for one year and then go to the end of the line. Like term limits, only instead of never allowing them to do it again, they just have a cool-off period.

Oh, you became friends with Randall while he was beating you down? Well that’s all good and everything, but Dean over here is the new guy.

(I TOLD YOU TO READ IT ON PLASTIC!)

So call your Congressman and say, “I’m tired of checks and balances, I WANT SLAPS AND HUGS!”

Together we can change the world for the better. A utopian America where the people’s best interests are taken into account by the politicians.

Seth Richardson can be reached at [email protected], on Twitter @EgyptianRich or 536-3311 ext. 268.