The Humble Guide To Life Chapter 1: The Ultimate Method Of Wiping Your Shitty Ass

Next time you’re out in public, I want you to take a look at everyone around you. Whether it be your best friend, boss, or some hot chick/guy. Then I want you to realize something. I want you to realize that no matter how high and mighty these people see themselves they all have one dirty secret. They all have shit on their ass.

Seriously, did you ever realize how many of the people walking around you have shit on their ass because they can’t wipe properly? How can you take yourself seriously when you can’t wipe properly? How can you have any dignity?

Years back while growing into adulthood and developing a better working brain and sense of reason, the notion that I and probably everyone else I personally knew, and probably most people in the U.S.A — hell I’d even go so far to say the entire planet — were using a very tired and archaic method of cleaning the shit out of their crack hit me like a ton of bricks (for lack of a better attempt at a metaphor… OK fine I’ll bite, like a whale’s penis falling into your lap at a movie theater). It was a life changing moment. I am serious. I know people use that life changing moment BS to add drama to their writing, but I am serious. I kid you not when i say that to me, realizing that was like learning the world is round.

This both wierded me out and disgusted me and I was angry at myself for not realizing this sooner instead of spending my entire childhood walking around with a dirty post-shat asshole. So doing what any creative problem solver would dare do, I came up with a solution. Yes, a completely new method of modern day wiping that is designed to completely rid your ass of any post defecation shit stains, and allowing you to walk amongst society with your high and mighty-ness in tact knowing that while you may not have a bigger penis than most men, or bigger tits than most women, your ass is sure as all hell quite pristine. I’ve developed this method over ten years ago and am ready to share it with the interwebz.

So here’s the deal people, prepare to revolutionize your life. Your mind will be blown and you can really start to walk through life with some confidence with your new clean ass. If walking around with a dirty ass had no effect on your self image or esteem anyway, then you need help — the kind I can’t offer.

TOOLS REQUIRED:

toilet paper a working sink a working index finger shitty anus. *optional* liquid soap of any sort

STEP 1: Unroll a bit of TP and mold it around your index finger.

STEP 2: Turn on the water in the sink and run the water over the end of the TP on your finger. Don’t completely soak it as it will turn to mush.

STEP 3: With the hand opposite of the one that doesn’t have the TP covered finger, simply squeeze the wet TP around your finger and make sure it’s tight, especially at the tip.

STEP 3a optional: Lube up the tip of the tissue with liquid soap.

STEP 4: At this point, if you’re right handed, you will have the index finger of your right hand covered in tight, wet tissue. Now what you do is tilt your ass to the left a bit to bring the right side of your ass up off the toilet. Take your left hand and use it to grab your right ass cheek and pull it away from your left cheek allowing wide open access to your anus.

STEP 5: Take the tissue armor covered finger and starting up by your tailbone, apply medium pressure and slowly work the finger down the ass crack just a bit past your anus. This step will completely get rid of any shit that was hanging out that you would have otherwise smushed against your ass while wiping using any other rmethod, and would have caused you to probably wipe 10 times and start cursing up a storm. At this point, your ass is 90% clean. But we’re ot done.

STEP 6: Take a bit more tissue and ball it up. Run it under the water a bit. Now smoosh it against the side of the sink so you make a wet, hard and flat surface.

STEP 7: Once again, use the left hand to pull the cheeks apart and wipe your ass like normal using that hard wet tissue. If you did it right, you will have a fluffy dry bit to hold on to and a hard wet portion to do the wiping. After you wipe with this, you’ll notice there’s barely anything on the tissue. If needed repeat.

STEP 8: Do one final wipe with dry TP.

That’s it you’re done! Enjoy your super clean, fresh ass. Tell your friends and family. Spread the message of clean crack to the world.