Owen Myles, Contributing Writer

Notice: The original DHS announcement has been modified for accurate perspective.

In proud partnership with narco-terrorists and U.S. Department of Commerce/NTIS, the TSA has announced its new pre-screening initiative, Pre√™ program, where humans can now enjoy expedited shipping with a chance for touch-free transfer to the police-state of their choice.

Presently, more than 336,000 humans have shipped through TSA Pre√™ lanes. This system affects security by enabling TSA to molest passengers the agency knows less about while providing expedited shipping for those who submit irrelevant personal information about themselves prior to flying.

For those who prefer not to expose their (or their children’s) genitals, the all new TSA Lottery Initiative gives ANYONE (even brown people) the chance to make a sliding-scale ($1 to ∞) bid on a 99% touch-free flight. All proceeds will go to the Zeta Fund and Eugenics Inc. For further information on your probabilities* of winning, please further your education, or consult Ron (or Rand) Paul.

“Good, thoughtful, sensible security by its very nature facilitates lawful travel and legitimate commerce,” whispered Secretary Janet Napolitano. “The expansion of TSA Pre√™ to the nation’s busiest airports will increase our security capabilities and expedite the screening process for travelers we consider our trusted partners.”

“TSA Pre√™ moves us closer to our goal of delivering the most effective and efficient screening by recognizing that most passengers do not pose a threat to security,” said TSA Administrator John S. Pistole. “We are pleased to expand this important effort, in collaboration with our airline and airport partners, as we move away from a one-size-fits-all approach to a more intelligence-driven, risk-based transportation security system.”

If TSA feels a human is eligible for expedited shipping following the TSA Pre√™ vetting process, data will be embedded in the barcode of the human’s boarding pass. TSA will scan the barcode at the insecurity grope-point and may then refer the passenger to a TSA Pre√™ lane, where they will undergo expedited shipping, which could include no longer removing the following items:

Shoes

9-1-1 compliance bag from carry-on

Laptop hard-drive from mainboard

Light underwear/jacket (Heavy OK)

Belt

Diaper

Colostomy bag

Dentures

Pre√™ will be introduced to the following airport locations throughout 2012, hopefully reaching Area 51 in time for the apocalypse and re-election of Obama (or Hillary):

Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport (BWI)

Boston Logan International Airport (BOS)

Charlotte Douglas International Airport (CLT)

Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport (CVG)

Denver International Airport (DEN)

Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport (FLL)

George Bush Intercontinental Airport (IAH)

Honolulu International Airport (HNL)

Indianapolis International Airport (IND)

John F. Kennedy International Airport (JFK)

LaGuardia Airport (LGA)

Lambert-St. Louis International Airport (STL)

Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport (MSY)

Luis Muñoz Marín International Airport (SJU)

Newark Liberty International Airport (EWR)

O’Hare International Airport (ORD)

Orlando International Airport (MCO)

Philadelphia International Airport (PHL)

Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport (PHX)

Pittsburgh International Airport (PIT)

Portland International Airport (PDX)

Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport (DCA)

Salt Lake City International Airport (SLC)

San Francisco International Airport (SFO)

Seattle-Tacoma International Airport (SEA)

Tampa International Airport (TPA)

Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport (ANC)

Washington Dulles International Airport (IAD)

*Area 51 — If all goes well

TSA will continue expanding TSA Pre√™ to additional airlines, airports, planets, and satellites once they are ready to be imposed. Janet Napolitano hinted that Newt Gingrich will be handling Per√™ fall-back operations at post-apocalypse lunar base facilities.

While most will be eligible to enjoy Pre√™, certain humans will always be selected via the TSA’s Not So Random Selection algorithms. The engineers behind the TSA’s NSRS Per√™ have combined core elements of bigotry, wantonness, and idiocy into protocol. This has so far resulted in a randomness suitable for most TSA agents, but arguably predictable for average humans. Understandably, this makes little sense — but since questioning it will get you on a No Fly list, please accept their hogwash™ whilst we undergo a fascist coup.

Even in the brave new light of Pre√™, Per√™ remains a tried and tested, preferred method of agents throughout Authoritaria. Coupled with the TSA’s “If you want something, steal something“, “If you see nothin’, fondle something anyway“, and “If you ain’t seen it before, it’s definitely a bomb, unless it’s actually a bomb” principles, those not so randomly deselected from Pre√™ can still enjoy all the safety of Per√™.

*Roughly the equivalent of playing Russian roulette with an AK-47.

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