Fun fact: 76% of people skip the opening blurb on the top of mock drafts and skim down till they find their favorite team. 87% of writers choose a safe option so they can seem knowledgeable, advance their careers, and rack up a comfortable 401k.

For the writer, the upside is simple. It keeps their partner happy (notice how I didn’t say wife cause I’m progressive), keeps dinner on the table, and once they inevitably kick the bucket they’ll have $ in their dusty pockets for their children to steal. It’s a simple life, but ultimately, in the end… they’re forgotten. Because they refused to take risks in their mock drafts, and refused to let it fly.

Well my fellow readers, I refuse to succumb to conformity’s filthy grasp. I’ve had enough of these safe mocks, it’s time to roll the dice and add more synonyms for “roll the dice”. So enough of the foreplay, let’s just get to the full penetration.

2020 NFL MOCK: Picks 1-16

Bengals: Team Needs (QB, fuck the rest)

Joe Burrow, QB, LSU

Oh was pouring a decade into a league average QB a mistake? Was chaining your entire franchise to Marvin Lewis a mistake? Fear not, this pick should be unmistakable. Joe smokes cigars and tosses 6pt bombs. Enjoy Cinci, your scarlet haired mistake is out the door.

Joe fucks

Skinheads: Team Needs (OL, WR, TE, CB, EDGE, a new name+logo)

Chase Young, EDGE, Ohio State.

Possible they trade this pick and select Okudah later. Chase is straight up a God who can sack the Corona virus if he wanted to. If anyone reads this years down the line that reference will seem dated, so here’s one that’s timeless. Chase Young could sack Joe Exotic harder than Travis ever could. There, that’ll age like fine wine.

Chase gets bonus points cause he’s adorable

Lions: Team Needs (CB, DL, OL, RB, Calvin Johnson)

Jeff Okudahhhhh, CB, Ohio State. This pick will be made later in the draft but I’m not gonna waste time predicting trades. This man is the next Revis, you heard it here first. If he turns out as a bust I will name my firstborn Rumpleredskin. Fun fact: this was the first time on the internet that word was ever typed. A little history for ya.

Jeff out here looking like a fetus

NY Football Giants: Team Needs (OT, Edge, S, WR, QB 🙂

Tristan Wirfs, OL, Iowa. Best o lineman in the draft. Maybe they’ll be safe and do Simmons, but at that point just take Devin Bush in 2019 and Tua in 2020. Giants are a strange team to be honest, after last year’s draft predicting what they’ll do is a waste of time but here we are. It’s time for Giants fans to whipe the shame of Ereck Flowers off their Big Blue balls and roll with the safest pick in the draft.

Look he can make his muscles look bigger by flexing them. Find me someone else who can do that. Sidenote, I’m dissapointed the word “that” couldn’t fit on the top line so I added this.

Dolphins: Team Needs (QB, rest don’t matter for now)

Justin Herbert, QB, Oregon.

A team (Chargers or Raiders) is gonna trade ahead and take Tua, and Phins fans will forever wonder why they didn’t use their treasure trove of picks to trade up for the Alabamian. Confirmation bias will distort their feeble minds into thinking it was the right move. They will tout Tua’s bad health and Herbert’s stellar statistics. They will ignore Justin’s lack of competition and absolute trash performances when he faced NFL level defensive pressure. But it’s okay cause they have 14 picks. Have you heard they have 14 picks? I don’t think it’s been said enough by Dolphins fans how wonderful it is that they have 14 picks. Herbert’s rookie year line: 2,752 passing yards, 15 tds, 5 wins, Ryan Fitzpatrick breathing down his neck, and 14 picks.

Justin and Dolphins fans being sad that I roasted them. The truth is I’m a jealous Jets fan scared that your future is brighter than ours. And that this man will be the next Tom Brady who torments me for the next 20 years. But you will never see it because it’s in the caption for a picture

Chargers: Team Needs (QB, OT)

Tua, QB, Alabama.

Gives Tyrod a year to start and let Tua heal, and builds trade value for when the Steelers ship a 3rd and 5th for him in 2021. Dolphins are idiots

Tua is a bit slow so he has to wear this helmet when he does interviews

Panthers: Team Needs (DL, OL, CB)

Derrick Brown, DL, Auburn.

Most obvious pick in the draft after #1

Derrick Brown (#5) with friend (#43) riding his coattails and being included in a picture he will inevitably be photo-shopped out of. Including him here because I respect the hustle.

Cardinals: Team Needs (CB, OL, EDGE)

Jedrick Willis, OL, Alabama.

So before you get too upset, someone is gonna trade up for Simmons here, if not already. Cards should protect Murray and pair with Humphries on the line. Maybe they just go BPA and take Simmons, but O-Line is premium. For Kliff and the Arizona faithful, their entire future rests on a talented, scrambling, and undersized athlete who probably should have played baseball for the sake of his life expectancy. Insert Jedrick Willis to help fix that issue and hopefully give Mr. Murray a few more years to push the grandkids on the swings. Okay this is getting dark, I love the Cardinals this year, 10-6.

Try not to get too aroused

Jags: Team Needs (CB, DL, EDGE, a time machine to go back in time and untrade Calais)

CJ Henderson, CB, Florida.

Another trade back selection, but welcome to the new NFL. Ramsey and AJ Bouye are out the door, you think Rashaad Melvin is gonna solve that? Child please

This was High School CJ. Back when he was voted most likely to be selected #9 by the Jacksonville Jaguars. Poor kid.

Browns: Team Needs (OL, S, LB, DL)

Isaiah Simmons, LB/S, Clemson.

Okay so he’s not gonna be here, it’s gonna happen earlier with another team. But if he did fall??? Jesus christ what a perfect fit. Instead, they’ll take Becton and protect their narcissistic false prophet for a Quarterback and continue down the sunk hole fallacy until reality bites them in the face and they stop settling for sizzle over substance. Run on sentence, ask me if I care.

Will he be asked to join the Head and Shoulder’s franchise as their new young and hip spokesperson to pair with Mahomes and Polamalu? Nope, probably not.

Jets: Team Needs (WR, EDGE, OT, CB)

Mekhi Becton, OL, Louisville.

Was tempted to put Kinlaw because the Jets have a “defensive line BPA till I die” mindset that is deprived of an ounce of cognitive capacity in their skulls. As a Jet fan I can say this, you can’t. Alas, I digress. Joe Douglas knows O-Lineman, and he should know Sam Darnold is our future. Protect it and let’s add our next D’Brickashaw. And yes that is correct spelling.

He would probably stop sweating if he took his sweatshirt off. What is he hiding under there?

Raiders: Team Needs (WR, QB, CB)

Jordan Love, QB, Utah. And the crowd goes wild…

Okay fine I’ll explain. Raiders are gonna trade back, but at some point Love is gonna be on this team. Gruden is weird as fuck, so are the Raiders. He’s on a 10 year deal, you think he’s not gonna pick his own QB? Look, Carr is good, at times great. But he’s not Gruden’s, these men have egos and want credit for every win they get. Love will do that, even if he never will be better than Carr. And listen to me when I say this, Love will NEVER be as good as Carr. He’s gonna throw 20+ ints in his first year as a starter, Gruden will be fired until the next savior can be chosen. Should’ve waited another year Chucky.

Kevin Love’s grandfather

49ers: Team Needs (WR, OL, S, QB 🙂

Jerry Jeudy, WR, Alabama.

Yup the team that just went to the Super Bowl gets a bonafide WR1 on day one. This one is obvious, so allow me to just say Jimmy G is a waste of time and as long as he’s the 49ers QB they will never win a superbowl. That’s right, they’re gonna waste an elite defense, run game, and Jerry Jeudy’s youth trotting out a pretty boy who Bill knew couldn’t hold Brady’s jockstrap.

Jeudy went on to drop both of these cleats. Sad.

Tampa Brady Bunch: Team Needs (OT, RB, DL)

Andrew Thomas, OL, Georgia.

Look, Tom Brady is old as dirt. 43 years old, back in 1977 when Gerald Ford was frolicking around being a terrible president little Tommy was still in diapers. When Tom was 7, the Seat Belt Law was passed mandating drivers to wear flimsy straps that buckled into a plastic holster. A wild concept at the time for some reason. Well, here we are in 2020. Tom Brady had grown up during a time in the NFL where concussions were headaches and fractures were bruises, but no longer can that stand. Like the Seat Belt legislation in 1984, it’s time to evolve, it’s time to protect. Andrew Thomas is gonna be a 6’5 320 pile of blubber that protects Tom from his next collision. Ladies and Gentleman, it’s time to pass the Andrew Thomas act of 2020 so Tom Brady can finally pass again.

He could probably eat me if he wanted. The real question is, what would it take for us to reach that level? Would it take a plane crash on a deserted island with no food? If I was covered in schezwan sauce? If I compared him to a seat belt?

Denver Broncos: Team Needs (WR, OL, a Pulse)

CeeDee Lamb, WR, Oklahoma

The Denver Broncos are boring. It’s sad to say, as the years of Tebow, Recieving icons, Godtier Defenses, and Peyton Frickin Manning have faded, so too has my interest in the Denver Broncos. Knowshon Moreno is not walking through that door folks, Rolls Royce Freeman ain’t no pre ACL tear Boobie Miles. Broncos offense is anemic, iron deficient, and anorexic as hell. CeeDee Lamb can change all of this, John Elway has been gifted a lollypop breadbasket dime in the endzone with this selection. Unlike every other Bronco receiver last season, let’s see if Elway actually catches it. And yes I’m aware Courtland Sutton exists, but this isn’t fantasy football. Empty stats don’t win football games.

Forewarning: I forgot about Courtland Sutton while writing the monologue above. I tried to mention him at the end to sound cool, but now I feel like an idiot. Here’s CeeDee running to distract you from my hapless gaff.

Atlanta Falcons: Team Needs (DB, LB, DL)

Jayvon Kinlaw, DT, South Carolina

Don’t be too upset Kinlaw, he may have slid far steeper than most predict, but at least he gets sexy uniforms, a dome stadium, and a competent organization. Dan Quinn, for those with dementia, was the defensive coordinator for the Legion of Boom era Seattle Seahawks. And yes, during those years everyone clamored over the Sherman, Chancellor, and Thomas contingent. Some even fawned over the Bobby Wagner, KJ Wright, and Malcolm Smiths of the world. You wanna know why those men succeeded? Why teams still passed and lobbed interceptions left and right against these trash talking gladiators and ivy leaguers? It’s because of 6-7 Tony McDaniel and 6-1, 310 lb Butterball Brandon Mebane. Teams could NOT RUN THE BALL against this defensive tackle duo, and no one cared to talk about it. It just happened, and Skip Bayless and Stephen A Smith distracted you from it. And you ate it up, don’t even deny it ya jabroni. Jayvon Kinlaw is like if you combined the best bits of Tony McDaniel’s size and Brandon Mebane’s force, stole a vile of Aaron Donald’s pass rushing DNA, and injected this ill fated creature with steroids and swagger. You wanna fix the Falcons? Start with Kinlaw.

You seeing this Tristan??? You ain’t special.