ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus. Striding past hardened infectious agents in a subterranean prison deep beneath CDC headquarters, the director appeared shaken as he endured the maniacal laughter of cholera and the blood-curdling screams of tuberculosis. The CDC director reportedly withstood a series of menacing taunts from diphtheria, which was heard whispering sardonically about how quickly it could replicate itself inside Redfield’s cells. According to reports, Redfield spoke through an intercom to address avian strain H5N1, which is kept in solitary confinement in a hermetically sealed room. In exchange for insight into how the new coronavirus might be planning to turn itself into a devastating worldwide pandemic, Redfield is believed to have offered the highly pathogenic flu accommodations in a larger, more comfortable vial, as well as special privileges that would allow it to spend part of the day in an open-air petri dish. At press time, sources confirmed the facility had entered full lockdown after a guard discovered avian flu had seduced and killed the CDC director in order to escape.

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