" " " " " " " " " " I W UV YØU ALL!!!!!1

COPYRIGHT 1998 JAMES "KIBO" PARRY &exclam &exclam &eclxam !! SPOT'S WEBTV by James "Kibo" Parry 12/28/97 Poor Spot! He wanted to browse that Web thing he kept reading about in his subscription to "Wired For Dogs", but he couldn't because he couldn't figure out how to turn on his Macintosh Performa! So he bought a WebTV. The advantage of the WebTV was that Spot couldn't break it. It had no moving parts, no controls, and no on/off switch. When he set it on top of his TV, it automatically detected the presence of a lower life form and activated itself permanently. "HIYA, SPOT! I'M YOUR NEW WEBTV! YOU CAN BROWSE THE WEB WITH MEEEEE!" The WebTV began to sing. "DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOOT, DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOOT, DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOOT!" Spot looked at the TV screen, which was now filled with colorful teal and orange icons which sparkled and shimmered and were all playing different musical tunes, which were drowned out by the WebTV's loud singing. The left half of the screen was filled with navigation controls, and the bottom half was filled with a status bar, leaving a small area at the upper right for displaying the Web. This window, which could be scrolled diagonally but not horizontally or vertically, displayed all text in three-inch-tall Helvetica letters that buzzed. It said: ## ## ####### ## ##### ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## # ## ##### ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### ##### ####### ##### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ####### ###### ####### ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## # ## ##### ###### ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ###### ## "DEE DEE DEE DEET DOO DOOT DEE DEE DEE DEET DAH DAH!!!" sang the WebTV. "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA DEE DA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAA!!!! ENTER YOUR NAME TO COMPLETE SETUP!!!" Spot pointed the WebTV's remote control at the WebTV's wireless mouse which was used to control the WebTV's wireless keyboard to enter letters and numbers in Morse code. He laboriously punched in "S", which was difficult because the keys on the little toy keyboard were too small even for a puppy. "S!" shouted the WebTV, "TEN DOLLARS! DA DA DA LA LA LA WA WA WA DA DA!" Spot entered the second letter of his name. The WebTV shouted again. "P! TWENTY DOLLARS! LOOBY DOOBY DOOBA DOOBA BWA WA WA DOOBY LOOBY SHABBA DABBA DADDA YADDA WA WA WA!!!" After several minutes, he had entered all four letters of his name. "WELCOME TO WEBTV, ESS PEE ZERØ TEE! NINETY DOLLARS! YADDA DADDA DOOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOO DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE ZING!!!" "Waah!" cried Spot. "You mean I've been charged ninety dollars just for entering my name?" "NO, VALUED STUPID CUSTOMER. YOU'VE ONLY BEEN CHARGED HALF THAT. THE NINETY DOLLARS, WHICH JUST WENT UP TO A HUNDRED, IS HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO PAY TO MAKE ME STOP SINGING 'PURPLE HAZE'! BWAMP BWAMP NA NA NA NA!!!" Spot sighed and slipped his major credit card into the flashing neon slot in the front of the WebTV. It deposited the card deep within its bowels for safekeeping, scanned it and posted a GIF of it on his home page. "Wow!" said Spot. "I didn't realize I had my own Web page!" "SURE YOU DO, SPØT. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS." It displayed his page, and because it could no longer sing "Purple Haze", began singing "Batman". "NANANANANANANANA WEBTV!!! WEBTV!!! WEBTV!!!! NANANANANANANANANANANA WEBTV!!!!" Spot's page looked like this: ### #### ##### ###### # ### ## ## ## ## ## ### ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## #### ## ## ## ### #### ## # ## ## ## ### ## ## #### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ### ## ##### ## ### ## ## ####### ###### ######## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##### ###### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ###### ## ######### ###### ######## ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ######### ########## ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ####### # "Wow!" said Spot. "Now I'm somebody because I have a Web page I made myself on my WebTV!" After staring at his cool page for several hours, Spot realized he could scroll the screen to see the picture below. It showed a baby picture of Spot picking his nose, and below that was the image of his credit card (both sides, including his signature) and a section labelled "MAP OF HOW TO GET TO WHERE SPOT LIVES FOR PERVERTS." Spot gasped. "Why, I've been scammed! WebTVs are almost as evil as the rest of the Internet!" He began using the WebTV's remote control to draft a letter of complaint to the president of WebTV Inc., starting with the plain WebTV template: <BLINK><CAPITALS><CENTER><HTML></HTML><HTML></HTML><HTML></HTML> <FONT FACE="HELVETICA ULTRA BLACK 2000"><FONT SIZE="+3"><FONT SIZE="+3 MORE"> <FONT COLOR="FLUORESCENT GREEN" VOWELS="GLOWING RED" PUNCTUATION="OFF"> <PLAY "BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE" VOLUME="MAX"><BLINK><BLINK><WINK> Dear WebTV Inc., I just purch "BUFFER FULL!" shouted the WebTV, while singing "American Pie". "MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT!" Of course, the president of WebTV Inc. couldn't read it because he had a real computer on his desk. He flamed Spot. "Waah! I don't like my cool new WebTV any more!" "THAT'S TOO BAD, SPØT, YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME! YOU CAN'T RETURN A WEBTV UNLESS IT'S BROKEN, AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BREAK A WEBTV!!! DEE DEE DEE DUM DUM... GOLLLLLLDFINGA, THE MAN WITH THE MIDAS TOUCH... THE TOUCH OF DEATH... FROM MISTA GOLLLLLLLDFINGAAAAAA..." Spot tried whacking the WebTV with a hammer, dropping it from the roof, and even using it in the bathtub. Unfortunately, its singing sounded even worse in the tub, especially when it finished "Goldfinger" and started on the theme to "Small Wonder". "SHE'S FAAAAANTASTIC, MADE OF PLAAAAASTIC..." In desperation, Spot tried throwing it into the ocean, but it was not only break-proof and water-proof, it was lose-proof! It had welded itself to his paw! "YOU SEE, SPØT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF A LOSER YOU ARE, YOU CAN'T LOSE A WEBTV! HEYYY!!! MISTERRR!!! TAMBOURINE!!!! MANNNN!!!!!" Spot cried. The WebTV really was perfectly designed to be an eternal companion to stupid puppies like him! It paused for breath briefly and started singing "Batman" again. "NANANANANANANANANANANA YOU SUCK!!! YOU SUCK!!! YOU SUCK!!! NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA YOU SUCK!!!" Poor <BLINK>Ess Pee Zero Tee</BLINK>! Copyright (C) James "Kibo" Parry 1997