Me being the worst in #nomakeup (it’s toxic, literally and figuratively) and a sustainably-sourced parka made of recycled materials by deaf Palestinian refugees who are currently living in my spare room rent-free

Sorry I’m late ! I had to drop off my compost at the farmer’s market on the way here, which is why I’m carrying these big containers made of 100% recyclable materials. Can you even believe some people drop off their compost in plastic bags? Kind of defeats the purpose, you know? Oh my goodness sorry — here I go again being like, the worst!

This place is so cute! I think I’m going to get an omelette…although it doesn’t clarify whether or not they use free range eggs. It’s just that factory farming is so bad for the environment, not to mention the food it produces is full of chemicals and hormones. Of course, the biggest problem with factory farming is that it’s absolute torture for the animals, really a modern-day version of slavery. Ugh, I can’t even think about it! Oh no, here I go again — just another Brooklynite who’s seen way too many Mercy for Animals exposés! I’m so fucking annoying!

Honestly though, I feel so guilty for not being a vegan. Obviously I buy really carefully sourced eggs and cheese and limit my dairy intake and would never eat meat ever again, but I should really just get it together and give up frittatas once and for all. It’s just so hard with my gluten allergy, you know? Oh my goodness, there I go bringing awareness to food allergies again —I should just shut the fuck up!

I’m glad we were able to make brunch work! I should be done in plenty of time to go walk my foster dogs before my shift at the soup kitchen. I like to get there early so I can talk to people and hear their stories beforehand. It’s so heartbreaking but so important to look these people in the eyes and really listen to them, especially the kids. No one does that for them and, in a lot of cases, no one ever has. Oh my gosh — listen to me getting all emotional about the plight of the homeless. I know, I know — I fucking suck so hard!

Thank you! I got it at a thrift store, of course, but it’s orginially from this clothing line that’s made by single mothers in Bolivia who are adequately compensated for their beautiful work, if you can believe that. I’m actually thinking about visiting their workspace this summer when I go on that volunteer trip to rebuild homes that were destroyed in that flood. Oh, you didn’t hear about it? You know, the mainstream media barely covered it, which is a shame because it’s such a tragic story. I’ve already donated money, but I just felt like I needed to do more, you know? Oh wow I’m so sorry, droning on again about another underreported foreign crisis — I’m like, the worst person in the entire world to spent time with and I should just go fuck off and die!

Yes, it is nice out today. A perfect day to bike! Of course, you know me — I’ll bike in a blizzard, but I obviously prefer to pedal around on a warm day like today. You should get a bike! There’s nothing like cruising through the city on two wheels and taking in all the sights and sounds, all the while knowing your carbon footprint is almost non-existant.

Oh gosh, I’ll stop, I promise! I’m so awful! I’m such a fucking piece of goddamn shit! I mean, look at me, constantly thinking about how I can change my behavior in ways both large and small to make the world the better place — I’m literally the worst person ever! Just droning on and on about my charity work and the environment instead of doing what I came here to do, which is listen to you, my dear friend, complain about how your mother calls you too much. I should just bike to the top of the Manhattan Bridge, jump off and fucking kill my dumb self!

But what if somebody witnessed my suicide and it scarred them for life? You know, I honestly would kill myself, if only to do my part to solve the overpopulation crisis, but I hate to think about how it would affect others. For example, who would take care of Scooter and Braun? They’re my foster dogs. I mentioned them earlier, but uncharacteristically failed to go into great detail about them. One is blind and the other has only two legs and is also blind. I have to spoonfeed them both homemade organic quinoa every night and honestly, it’s the best part of my day. Oh my goodness, even I can’t listen to myself anymore! I’m like, the fucking worst person who ever lived and I deserve to die! Strike me down Lord, please! End my life and the misery I inflict on others with my obnoxious altruism! I want to DIE! Kill me PLEASE KILL ME!

Anyway, what’s up with you? Three times a day — that is a lot. Your mom sounds like a bitch.