The Chicago Mentioner

[THE CHICAGO MENTIONER plops down on the couch to watch TV. His WIFE, enters, looking concerned.]

WIFE: Honey, did you forget to pick up Tyler from soccer practice?

THE CHICAGO MENTIONER: I don’t see how that would’ve stopped any shootings in Chicago.

WIFE: It’s the one thing I asked you to do this week. Can you go get him now?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Wow, all these shootings going on in Chicago, and this is the thing we’re focusing on? Umm, okay.

WIFE: I don’t have time to argue with you, I’ll just go. Thanks a lot.

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Chicago!

[Door slams. JOCK SON enters.]

SON: Dad, can I borrow the Mercedes tonight? We might be out kinda late, and I know you don’t want me riding in Jason’s car.

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Chicago’s got the strictest gun laws in the country, and look at all the shootings there. So, you tell me.

SON: What?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: I’m just saying, there’s another shooting in Chicago every single day, and they have gun control. How come you were talking about other stuff instead of this?

SON: Why do you always do this? I’m not talking about the city of Chicago right now, I just asked a simple question.

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Heh. A ‘simple’ question. Chicago’s turning into a warzone under our noses and you’re over here asking ‘simple’ questions. That’ll help stop the shootings. Fine, ask your mother.

SON: Really? Thanks!

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Let me finish! I was gonna say, ask your mother why, if gun control ‘works,’ there’s so many shootings in a little city called Chicago, Illinois?

[He storms off. MILLENNIAL DAUGHTER WHO’S INTO CAUSES enters]

DAUGHTER: Hi Dad, do you know where Mom went?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Ahh, she yelled at me and left.

DAUGHTER: Have you been mentioning Chicago again?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Every single person in the city of Chicago is getting shot, every hour on the hour, and you’re focusing on me talking about the city of Chicago? Umm, okay.

DAUGHTER: Do you know where she put the folding tables for the fundraiser tonight? We’re doing a 50/50 raffle at the football game, and all the proceeds go to Chicago Youth Programs. They’re a collection of charities designed to help at-risk youth in inner-city Chicago.

CHICAGO MENTIONER: I don’t see how that’s gonna stop any shootings in Chicago.

DAUGHTER: It’s…literally designed to do exactly that. Did you even hear what I said?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: The city of Chicago’s turned into one giant sentient gun, and you’re focusing on my borderline-intentional inability to grasp what you’re talking about? Umm, okay.

DAUGHTER: I know how obsessed you are with the violence in inner-city Chicago, so I was wondering, do you want to make a donation?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: We’re gonna spend our money on inner-city Chicago? We’ve got thousands of homeless veterans out there across the country. What about them?

DAUGHTER: Well, obviously I want to help them too. This is just a different, specific thing. Although actually, I’m sure this group has some programs for homeless veterans — if you want to throw us some money, I’ll definitely make sure a portion of it goes to helping veterans.

CHICAGO MENTIONER: Every human in Chicago is dead and the city is ruled by packs of wild dogs who’ve elected a gun wearing a ‘mayor’ sash as their leader, and you’re over here babbling about potential ways to solve the problem?

DAUGHTER: What?

CHICAGO MENTIONER: The game’s starting. Shut up.