I want to start by saying this text will have triggering details about verbal and physical abuse. Please click away if this will affect you negatively.Now... I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for awhile. I feel as though with everything I went through, my story deserves a platform to help other people. However, publicly just isn’t the way so, everything will be anonymous; We’ll refer to my abuser as Sam to keep it that way.I met Sam when I was 16. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I had a boyfriend. My former boyfriend, Sam, and his girlfriend were actually all friends. I grew very bored of my relationship and very unhappy and had experienced a lot of cheating in it. When I reached 18 Sam and his girlfriend had been broken up, and was prepared to leave my relationship. I confined in Sam over a FaceTime call about wanting to leave my boyfriend. He was overly charming and put me on a pedestal. I was so flattered, I didn’t really think of how the extent of his compliments was a bit extreme and a red flag.Once leaving the original relationship, Sam came over the next night. I should’ve caught the very first red flag the following morning. We didn’t do much that night, we just talked and ended up hooking up. I expected him to leave but he said he had plans to go fishing or something at 5 am with a friend, and it was already 2. He “set” his alarms... but no alarms went off that morning. That was his first lie.In the following weeks, Sam was at my house and spending the night almost every single night. I was renting a room at a family friend's house, and he knew exactly how to manipulate all of us. The second the owner of the house was getting a bit bothered by how frequently he was there, Sam would do things like mow the lawn. That first month he probably only went back to his mom's where he lived two or three times. Part of me wanted him to go, but he drowned me in so much praise and love paired with so much self-pity about everything going on in his life that I just didn’t know how to tell him to go. Next thing I knew, he was going to our fridge on his own eating things and had his own drawer.Fast forward a bit and that family friend had to move for some personal reasons. I didn’t want to move back in with my parents for some personal reasons, and he offered to let me stay with him at his mom's until I found a place. Next thing I knew, he was involving me in my plans to find a place to live and I just didn’t know how to say no considering he let me stay at his mom's (one of my many mistakes.) A few weeks later we were living with my coworker and her boyfriend in the upstairs of their house. At this point, I had loaned him $100 for court fees that he couldn’t meet, paid for countless meals and countless packs of cigarettes for him. Somehow though, I felt so broken with myself and in my own life that I wasn’t phased.I used to be run over, and he knew that his praise of me would sway me to turn a blind eye to it. At this point there had been no bad arguments, I thought I was comfortable around him and that he was fond of my friends. He always acted like he loved my friends. I have a lot of older guy work friends who all view me as a little sister, and I mentioned going to Walmart for some stuff with one of them after work. He knew this guy and I were very close friends and never expressed any problem with it, but suddenly this night he snapped and I found myself apologizing while he gave me the cold shoulder. Here and there between all of this he would get mad at me for my clothes and say things like “why would you wanna wear that?!” “I can see your stomach, I’m not going out with you like that.” “Do you purposely wear jeans that show off your ass?!” I had blocked multiple people whom I appreciated having in my life and was slowly losing touch with myself, but little did I know this was just the start of verbal abuse that would spiral to physical.On New Year’s Eve, our roommates hosted a party and Sam brought a friend who was supposed to stay the night in the spare bedroom upstairs. I kept my rabbits in this room and while feeding them his friend accidentally walked in without a shirt on. This is when Sam lost it.When we ended up alone, he insisted I did something sexual with his friend and demanded I explain. I tried to reassure him nicely and just go to bed, but nothing was good enough. Eventually, he had me choked down screaming at me to tell him what I allegedly did. I was so in shock and was sadly so naive and blinded that I followed him around the house as he screamed, trying to get him to calm down instead of calling the police.I repeatedly got slammed against walls, had my wrist twisted to the point my arms were covered in bruises, and it got so bad and loud his friend came out knocking on our bedroom door asking if he was hitting on me. He got quiet and insisted we were fine and waited until his friend was gone and proceeded to tell me how stupid I was for being so loud and screaming, and how my “craziness” was making him look bad. He ended up insisting I took his friend home and even though I was a bit intoxicated, I was so scared and in shock that I obeyed. I was told to get him cigarettes on the way back, and his friend went into the store to get them for me because of how shaken up I was. His friend ended up accidentally taking them home with him after doing this. This is when this night got even worse than I could’ve imagined.It all turns a bit black, and all I can remember is being told how I was a “good for nothing, stupid girlfriend.” How I was so stupid. Again and again and again, while I was sitting down cornered in our room as he repeatedly punched my chest, my arms, and my stomach. I ended up being followed with a pair of scissors and had to hide in my car. The next day, he cried how I was his “princess” and how he would never hurt me on purpose. How it was all because he was intoxicated, even though he had seemed reasonably sober. This is where he broke me, and got me where he needed me. I was essentially a slave for whatever he wanted. He tried multiple times trick me during intercourse and force pregnancy on him because I “wouldn’t be able to leave him.” He wasn’t keeping a job, I was paying all the bills except for one time that he used as leverage over me, and the controlling attitude about my clothing and friends, the name-calling, pushing, and choking only worsened. Eventually he was lashing out on our roommates and he got kicked out, and of course I tagged right behind him. I never really understood why girls stuck with their abusers until seeing everything in the past now.I already suffer from a bipolar disorder, and this sent me probably into my worst low I’ve ever had. I was so in shock and felt so betrayed, I felt like a robot. The girl that I am was no longer there, she was a ghost. I was never ever awake unless I was at work, I started drinking heavily, and I only ate enough to keep me going and ended up being about 98 pounds. After we got kicked out of my coworkers, I found us an apartment and he got his act together with a job long enough to fool me into thinking he could pay for it. Next thing I knew, it was the same thing only much much more expensive, and he never had a job except for two or three for a couple of weeks.Our wifi got cut out multiple times along with the lights, and we got close to eviction multiple times. As if this wasn’t enough, the pushing, bruising and choking continued. I was constantly accused of cheating and had my phone searched every time I fell asleep. I’ve always been very into dressing up and doing my makeup, but I felt so self-conscious in all of my clothes. I would wear baggy things and tank tops under everything so that he wouldn’t get mad at me for my clothes. Sometimes he would catch me off guard and I could wear something I wanted to, but as soon as he thought anyone looked at me it was game over.I would get screamed at for everything, it wasn’t even worth it to try and go out with friends and I lost most of my friends. During all of this he borrowed $5000 from my mom in total. On top of the physical and verbal abuse, he had begun doing meth “upon occasion,” but I still firmly believe he was doing to every time he went out with his friends, which was about 5 days out of the week. He got extremely suicidal and cut his arms to the point it made nauseously and I don’t know how he didn’t need stitches; this happened multiple times, multiple when I tried leaving him.The more I tried to leave him, the more overbearing he got. My whole life for the last year had been surrounded around his nightmare, that I didn’t know who I was or what my life was anymore though. He’d constantly threaten to break up with me during the relationship to keep me on edge and controlled. The one and only time I stood up to him, he called me a whore and I felt so angry and defeated that something snapped and I spit in his face. I immediately knew I had made a big mistake and ran as fast as I could, but as soon as I got a grip on the door he slammed my hand right in it to keep me inside, and with it my whole hand turned black. Eventually, it got so bad and obvious that my best friend insisted I get him out and so did multiple other people, and in a moment of feeling so burnt out that I just wanted to end my life, I realized how much I missed having my own life. When I got the apartment, I got a puppy who he would also hit when I wasn’t home and then brag about it.On Sams final night here, he slammed my puppy’s paw in a door and said he wished he crushed his head, and something about seeing the dog who would hide behind me and crawl on my chest when I was being yelled at made me snap. I called my best friend and asked if she could move in ASAP and that I was making Sam leave, and even though I knew it was a huge risk, I suspected Sam would be too scared to hurt me while I had my best friend on speaker phone. I went to stay the night at my coworkers who I lived with previously, and I told my mom and everyone close to me that he was physically abusive so that people could help keep me safe in the process of getting him out of my life. A few days later I filled a police report against him, and with him knowing everyone now knew he was an abuser he left the apartment easily and began finding his next victim.I had to change all my passwords but he beat me to it and send out multiple messages with dudes telling them I wanted to hook up with them. He continued to threaten to kill himself and blew my phone up and I tried to be there for him through it, but at a certain point, I snapped and decided I deserved so much more than to be there answering to him even after getting him out of my life physically. I let a guy in the group of people I was with this night answer the phone when Sam was calling repeatedly because I knew he would be afraid of conflict with someone who physically would be able to take him. I still felt so broken and lost for a while, not from the loss of him but from the loss of the year of my life I missed.The friends I lost. The debt I was drowning in from him. I had crippling PTSD for a few weeks and had nightmares every night. A few weeks later though, I got out of town and went to the beach with my family and friend. Getting away from my place of abuse did wonder for him, I felt at peace. Safe. Like I could be myself and have the same confidence I did before. I strongly suggest taking a trip away if you’re just getting out of something like this. I learned as I placed my police report that many cities have safe anonymous homes that an officer can take you to if you need safety. There are so many resources, please I beg you, just speak out. Find someone you trust when you’re away from your abuser, and tell them to call the police. Don’t lose a year of your life like me. If it weren’t for my family, friends, and dog, I can confidently say I believe he would’ve killed me.I want to also show you how beautiful life can be after abuse though. It isn’t all PTSD and anxiety, although I still carry a lot of it that I’m working through, it does get better. My relationship with my family grew tremendously, and the same with my friendships. I was able to rekindle some friendships I lost due to my ex, and although some are gone forever, I’m thankful for that. For a few months after, I was terrified of ever letting anyone love me again. While I was at the beach I met a guy though, who over time gained over my trust to know what I went through and within some months was able to earn my trust alongside of the trust of my friends. Sometimes I do cry from having a significant other who treats me correctly, who spoils me with actions of caring instead of drowning me in empty words. It can honestly feel so overwhelming to feel a real healthy bond, but it’s so relieving.I was able to nearly guarantee a promotion at my work within the next month, pay off a lot of debt, and grow back into my own skin. I now have time for my little sisters who I missed so much growing up from during that year, and although it’s a process of working through the ptsd, I couldn’t be happier right now. My family, friendship, love, and personal life is all at a point I couldn’t be happier in this moment. It taught me how to deal with my bipolar in ways I didn’t know I could. It truly taught me how to survive and set my own rules. So please, I beg you. Don’t stay like me.