WAYNE, NJ—Offering a supportive “you did the best you could,” an Iron Man action figure voiced by despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon reportedly provided consolation to the executive as he slowly taped up a box of family photos and Hot Wheels cars and tracks. “We all know you gave it your all and there was nothing anyone could possibly do in this challenging economic climate,” said Iron Man as Brandon imitated a deep, robotic voice and pretended to fly the toy through the air before Barbie Rainbow Lights Mermaid and a stuffed giraffe also provided assurances that everything would be okay. “You should be so proud of working your hardest. Brick-and-mortar retailers are failing all over the country. Nobody can compete with Amazon and Walmart. It’s not your fault, David—we still love you.” At press time, a Kylo Ren action figure was accusing Brandon of being a worthless fuckup who ran the company into the ground.

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