Every Episode of This is Us

The Pearson kids and their mother, Rebecca, are in the living room watching television, when Jack enters.

JACK: Hey, kids! Who’s ready to have a formative experience that will further articulate your single defining characteristic?

KIDS: Yay!

REBECCA: Is the thing you’re proposing that we do the very thing I just told the kids they could not do?

JACK: Yes.

KIDS: Can we, Mom, can we?!

REBECCA: I never tire of being undermined!

JACK: The way you know I’m great is that everyone keeps insisting how great I am.

REBECCA: How are you so perfect, babe?

JACK: Let’s do this activity before I die, which is absolutely going to happen.

- - -

Randall, Beth, Toby, Kate, and Kevin are all just hanging out in Randall’s house during the daytime and not going to work.

KATE: Hey, remember Dad, who is dead now?

KEVIN: He was great when alive, which is no longer the case as of multiple decades ago.

RANDALL: I am thinking of doing something ill-advised.

BETH: Mmm-hmm.

RANDALL: I was interesting once, but now I am mostly a vessel for intentionally corny dad jokes.

KEVIN: I was never interesting, and now I am mostly a vessel for meta-jokes about actors.

RANDALL: I look nothing like the kid version of myself.

BETH: I love you, baby, but this is over the top!

TOBY: I am supportive, which means that I badger Kate to do things despite her repeated insistence that she does not want to do those things.

KATE: Oh, Tobe!

KEVIN: It’s not clear what city I live in.

TOBY: [is doing the Cabbage Patch on the roof of a taco truck for no evident reason]

MIGUEL: Hey, I’m here now. My hair never doesn’t look weird.

- - -

Teen Kevin, Teen Randall, and Teen Kate are all standing outside at night. Jack walks up.

JACK: Kevin, Kate, Randall. Get in the corr.

TEEN KATE: What?

JACK: Get in the corr.

TEEN KEVIN: Car.

JACK: Corr.

TEEN KEVIN: Car.

JACK: Corr.

TEEN RANDALL: Kevin, it’s fine if Dad can’t say “car”!

TEEN KEVIN: No, it’s not. It sucks. Everything sucks. Everything except my hair gel sucks.

JACK: Randall, Kate, get in the corr. Get in the corr, Kevin.

TEEN KATE: Dad, there’s no car here. What are you even talking about?

JACK: Rebecca, it’s time to get in the corr. Miguel, corr. Randall’s real dad and Randall’s real dad’s boyfriend, in the corr, now. Tess, get in the corr. Not Kevin’s corr. Get in this corr, Tess. Sly Stallone, Sophie, corr. Now. Everybody in the corr. Gerald McRaney of Major Dad fame, get in the corr. Make room in the corr for Louie the dog, who is getting in the corr. Teen Kate, grab Louie’s travel crate for the corr. Beth, Toby, social worker lady, in the corr, now. Girl who Teen Randall made out with, Madison, Deja, Ron Howard, corr. Everybody get in the corr.

REBECCA: So perfect, babe.