Brisbane's Courier-Mail has banned the words 'Stuart Broad'. Here are a few other phrases that could be next for the chop

The Courier-Mail has added a much-needed element of teenage girl sullenness to the Ashes campaign with a front-page demand that Stuart Broad be given the silent treatment.

James Franey (@jamesfraney) Brisbane's Courier Mail front page. Paper refuses to mention @StuartBroad8 by name. Aussies scared ahead of #TheAshes pic.twitter.com/mzCIxY06Xd

While the plea to Australian crowds is obviously doomed to drunken, foul-mouthed failure, it is unclear to what extent the paper itself plans to follow through on this proposal. Presumably, it won't just outright omit him from the whole of its Ashes coverage. After all, as the fulcrum of some of the most controversial, fashion-savvy and outright amusing moments of the previous series, the man can't be ignored. Especially if he keeps taking top-order Australian wickets – four at the time of writing.

It has said that – for the first Test at least – it intends to simply replace any reference to Broad with the phrase "a 27-year-old English medium pace bowler". Of course, introducing such a replacement into the autocorrect dictionaries comes with its own risks. How long would it be before we saw references to “27-year-old English medium pace bowler shoulders" (sort of acceptable) or "Tony Award-winning 27-year-old English medium pace bowlerway shows" (bizarre)? Or, heaven forbid, the "Australian 27-year-old English medium pace bowlercasting Corporation" (utterly unpatriotic, even for Queensland)?

Regardless, the Courier-Mail's spirit of omission was picked up by Shane Warne, whose opening voiceover piece for Channel Nine's coverage rambled intrepidly over the great Ashes players and moments of the past 30 years and yet somehow failed to include any reference to Adam Gilchrist, Andrew Flintoff or even Steve Waugh. Don't mention the Waugh!

Inspired by the Orwellian efforts of the Courier-Mail and Australia's greatest ever spinner, here are some other words and concepts that we expect to be replaced in the vocabularies of the two teams and their supporters over the course of this Ashes series.

Australia

Current phrase: Shane Watson lbw

Replacement phrase: Non-bat-based, non-bails-removing, wicket-falling incident

Was there anything more dispiriting to Australian fans during the previous Ashes series than seeing this inevitable mode of dismissal posted against Shane Watson's name? Functioning as a microcosm of Australia's eventual certain defeat, the predictability of Watson's lbw was a grim reminder that fate cannot be denied, no matter how many times you review it.

The first step towards Australia having a chance to regain the Ashes is to remove the inevitability of defeat. And the first step to that is to remove the inevitability of a Shane Watson lbw.

Current phrase: Mitchell Johnson wide

Replacement phrase: Mitchell Johnson bonus run do-over dot ball

He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right. It's the delivery for which Mitchell Johnson is most famous. Songs have been sung about Mitchell Johnson wides. Not very well, admittedly, but they have been sung.

But enough is enough. As philosopher and part-time leg spinner Ludwig Wittgenstein once opined, the limits of my language mean the limits of my world. Replacing the negative connotations of "wide" with the positive connotations of "dot ball", even a "bonus run do-over dot ball", is Johnson's opportunity to reshape his world.

England

Current phrase: The 2006-07 Ashes series

Replacement phrase: <empty>

This one is already well under way. Ask any England supporter about the 2006-07 Ashes series and they'll stare at you, blankly. Like a hypnotist removing the number eight from a member of the audience's mind, England supporters simply have a blank space in their brain when it comes to memories of that series.

Most interesting from a psychological perspective is that, on a subconscious level, it can be shown that England fans remain aware of the series. If asked how many Ashes series England have won in a row, they will correctly answer three. But if asked to count back the series victories on their fingers, they will say "2013, 2010-11, 2009, 2005" and be stymied as to how they've reached four.

Current phrase: South Africa

Replacement phrase: South Cornwall

Heartily sick of all the jokes about how their best players are imported from South Africa, it's surely only a matter of time until the renowned professionalism of Team England sees them recruiting an ECB team cartographer and officially reintegrating the independent nation-state as their southernmost county.

Once South Africa is reclaimed as South Cornwall, the jokes will stop and any marginal angst the matter may have caused the team will be eliminated. Yet another one percent gain for Andy Flower and his men.

Both teams

Current phrase: The Ashes

Replacement phrase: A Flimsy Justification for Expressing Superiority Over Another Country Based on Prowess at Hitting Balls with Sticks

Let's be honest. Deep down, aren't we all just looking forward to regaining/retaining A Flimsy Justification for Expressing Superiority Over Another Country Based on Prowess at Hitting Balls with Sticks.

Because, ultimately, isn't that what sport is all about?