My kids want to go swimming. They want to go swimming every day….. Every single stinking day.

And I don’t want to take them….Ever.

Look, I don’t know when it happened. When I was young I liked swimming, running through sprinklers, standing out in the rain. But now I’m a forty plus year old dude and I don’t like getting wet. I take a shower and I’m good. That’s as wet as I want to get.

This puts me at odds with my adorable children and loving wife who still enjoy being surrounded by that vile hateful liquid scholars refer to as water. Gah! It makes me sick just thinking about it. PEOPLE PEE IN THE WATER!

Just the idea of going to a swimming pool and splashing about in God knows how many people’s urine is so revolting to me I need a pie chart just to describe it.

Nauseating, gross, and I can’t believe I used to do that for fun.

I’m old now. I’m not going to take you swimming. I’m not going to soak in a giant toilet bowl full of urine with my mouth open. Nope, no, not going to happen!