When Canadians head to the polls, perhaps in the fall or even sooner, they’ll have a lot to consider. Do they want the handsome but unproven offspring of a former prime minister running the country? Or the unicorn-like rarity of a bearded NDP leader? Or a return to status quo with a Beatles-loving Conservative paradox who once shook his young son’s hand when he dropped him off at school? Or do voters finally listen to the transcendental pundits at K&K elect a yogic flier from the Natural Law Party? Namaste.

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Three of a kind

A new poll released this week helps make the decision a little easier by clarifying the issues that really matter. According to an article in the National Post and several other news publications in need of quirky, fun-loving content to fill their depleted pages and generate desperately needed web clicks, Canadians feel Stephen Harper is the best candidate to run a corporation, Justin Trudeau would make a great travel buddy, and Thomas Mulcair would be the candidate most likely to lend them $100. Incidentally, we’ve already tweeted our cash request and he hasn’t gotten back to us yet. OMG :(

Trudeau strikes us as a Notebook fan

Abacus Data, “an innovative, fast growing public opinion and marketing research consultancy” that somehow gets paid to come up with these kinds of polls, surveyed 1,005 Canadians about which of the three federal politicians best fit a number of descriptors. For instance, Liberal leader Trudeau rated high in the all-important categories of “trust to choose a good movie to watch (53 per cent), prefer to have babysit your kids (44 per cent), most able to survive in the wilderness (42 per cent) and trust to look after your pet (40 per cent).”

Manscaped Mulcair cares

Not surprisingly, Harper got top marks for “best suited to be the CEO of a large company (47 per cent), give investment advice (46 per cent), give career advice (41 per cent), give advice to your children about their future (37 per cent) and negotiate a contract on your behalf (38 per cent).” While Mulcair rated somewhere between the two, scoring well on the caring, generosity and, we’re guessing, manscaping front.

However, in our opinion, the survey did not go far enough in asking irrelevant yet revealing questions about the candidates.

What lies beneath those ironed slacks?

For instance, who would you rather sleep with if you bumped into them in the chill-out room of a Skrillex concert and you felt in a vulnerable place personally but conversely untethered by society’s constraints and judgement due to the fight you had with your partner and the kaleidoscope of drugs you had ingested hours before?

Or which federal leader is most likely to wear boxers, briefs or go commando?

Everybody wants something

We also think it’s important to consider which candidate you would enlist to recreate the handheld 1989 music video for the Zit Remedy’s “Everybody Wants Something” from the TV show Degrassi High? Who would be Snake, Wheels (RIP) or Joey Jeremiah?

These are the things that need to be considered when eligible voters (all 61 pathetic per cent of you) head to the polls. Although, of course, one doesn’t vote directly for the prime minister but an MP who represents their party for your constituency. And what if that MP is totally not nearly as good at choosing a movie to watch or would make a totally lame babysitter or would probably get eaten by a bear if stranded in the wilderness for too long… oh man.

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