Well, that was a lot of bach in two nights. Things are a little fuzzy and I may forget the order of what went down but I’ll try my best. There’s lots to cover so let’s get to it.

The Sunday night episode was prefaced with some sort of tell all that no one wanted. It was mysteriously referred to as Chris tells all. Normally that would be fine but Chris didn’t really say shit. He was there for about a third of the special. If they were referring to Chris Harrison then maybe it makes more sense to call it Chris tells all. This goes back to my post earlier in the season in which I had trouble on how to refer to each Chris. Maybe production was confused as well. So Chris tells all starts with Chris (jk, that would make too much sense) Kelsey. Last time we saw Kelsey she was wandering South Dakota oblivious as to how crazy she is and wanting to kill Ashley. One thing we did not see Sunday night is any evidence that Ashley I is still alive. I have it on good authority that Kelsey ended up killing Ashley and buried her somewhere in the badlands. It makes sense because Kelsey is the only one to know what the badlands are. I still didn’t believe it until I came across this in a newspaper:

Ashley I is survived by her good frenemy, Kelsey. Ashley studied hard and had an MBA that is inferior to Kelsey’s MBA. Her biggest accomplishment is almost winning the best staring contest ever seen on tv against Kelsey. R.I.P. Kardashley

Next up the Chris’s reminisced about the season so far. It was pretty awful except for when they talk about Ashley S. Some of our old favorite clips returned with her finding pomegranates on the trees outside of the bach mansion and trying to kill people with a paintball gun. We also got to see some never before seen footage of her nightly escapades where she aimlessly walks around. She was convinced that production and staff were having secret meetings betting on how far each girl would make it. Matt Damon and Edward Norton weren’t playing poker against John Malkovich, they were trying to figure out how long Ashley S would make it on this season:

The last bit of this little sit down with Chris Harrison featured the last bachelorette Andi. If you remember Andi broke up with Josh soon after the red carpet premiere and clearly hasn’t gotten over it. She was a mess. There have been some rumblings about her possibly coming back and getting a second chance at being the ette. She wrote the book on how to become the ette in the first place, but the only problem is that someone on this season might have perfected it (more on that later). Maybe she appears on next weeks episode and tries to get back with Chris since he is clearly into giving people another chance. I also wish Harrison would have asked her about creepy Nick (runner up on her season). And if none of that works out I heard this guy is available:

So to sum up that first hour we had two girls crying and craving attention and Chris…..well…..being Chris. Yet we still watched it.

The actual episode starts with what we assume to be a cocktail party. Instead Megan the air head is unceremoniously sent home and Chris just has so many feelings that he needs to take the rest of the girls to Iowa. Jade is chosen for the first one on one and is whisked away to the hometown of our bach. If Jade could use one word to describe her trek it would have probably been “corn”. So Jade arrives in this town/village/desolate wasteland and reality sets in. This place is deserted. Empty buildings, no people, no cars, no bars. I mean where is Jade going to work if there isn’t a bar? She could probably make a few bucks down at the pole at the firehouse (I’m assuming they have firefighters) but then what? The date continues with a tour of his high school and then a high school football game. (I think I saw football players in the band playing at halftime). Chris strikes me as one of those guys that wore his letterman’s jacket 10 years after he graduated and starts most of his stories with “back when I was in high school”. Chris walks off the field with Jade and does one of these:

Jade returns and tells the others how small the town is. They actually make a rational decision and decide to go check out the place one of them may call home. After driving through his town that was shorter than reading this entire blog post they talked with a local that essentially said there is nothing to do there. Reality set in with Britt while the rest pretended that it wasn’t a dump.

Group date featured Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn. They went ice skating and Carly tattled on Britt for not liking the little hole in the wall of a city that Chris lives in. Speaking of Carly she also did this weird thing with her hand in which she pretended Britt was talking during her interviews. You remember when Cartman thought his hand was Jennifer Lopez?

It was kind of like that.

Anyway, Chris, learning from the last time someone told on someone else, asks Britt somewhat carefully about what she thought. She gives the standard flowers and rainbows answer but we really know how she feels. Later that evening they head to some sort of coffee shop with a large couch. It looked like it stole the idea from these guys:

Of course Joey is eating something. How you doinnn?

Chris gives the group date rose to Kaitlyn and this is where Britt goes into I want to be the next ‘ette mode. She carefully plans her exit strategy by showing how upset she was about not getting a rose while making sure she doesn’t say anything bad about Kaitlyn. This is the first time Britt hasn’t gotten her way, or is it? The group returns to the hotel with Britt acting as if nothing is wrong.

Whitney gets the remaining one on one (was Becca even in this episode?) They take pictures around the city of Des Moines and meet Chris’ friends later that night. When they come out there is a mural painted on a building from one of the pictures they took of themselves earlier that day. It’s probably a good thing they didn’t have the mural done in Chris’ hometown because you know they would have used sidewalk chalk and it would have been ruined after the first rain.

The tag of the episode showed the women struggling to find their way to Chris’s hometown. I know, who would have thought. Probably should have printed out some directions from mapquest instead of relying on GPS in the middle of nowhere. Does mapquest still exist?

Sunday’s episode ended with no one going home so we have business to take care of Monday before hometowns. This has been a real weird year in terms of starting off episodes with rose ceremonies. I feel like the bachelor franchise forgot the format. Either way Chris has two ladies he needs to boot. Before he can start handing out roses Britt makes his decision a little easier. She pulls a veteran move by pleading with him that she wants to stay but she wants to be his number one right now. It’s a clever move because she doesn’t necessarily leave and forces his hand. It garners sympathy and boosts the potential 'ette status. She then goes outside and cries her eyes out. Well played. Back at the rose ceremony Chris still has one more to get rid of. I’d say she looked surprised when he let her go, but she always looks surprised. Production will need a new comic relief to turn to because Carly is gone.

First hometown date is Becca. It was really boring and I don’t remember much. Bringing a guy home appears to be new territory for Becca. I’m not sure there was a conversation involving her family that didn’t talk about how weird it was. Her sister also talked to her about being a virgin come fantasy suite time. That should be an interesting little chat she has with Chris next week. Looking forward to his reaction.

Next up is Whitney. She takes Chris to her place of employment (fertility center thing). Shit gets awkward right away when she has him look through a microscope of a sperm and eggs. She then hands him a cup and says she needs a sample to test. She takes him to the room where the “magic” happens. To be honest this is the only place that I know where magic happens:

Whitney also advises Chris about the “material” they have on hand to speed the process up. What if the magazines in the jerk off room featured fellow bachelor contestant Jade? That would be too meta. Whitney finally tells Chris that she was joking and to save his load until the fantasy suite*

*may not actually be what she said

This man was however seen leaving Whitney’s office earlier that day after hearing the results of his sample:

Kaitlyn is our next hometown date. She appears from behind a garbage dumpster for some reason. Her and Chris head into a recording studio to spit some lyrics. I think I may have figured out Kaitlyn. She dresses kind of punk, she likes making music that makes her sound tough, she has tats, and she’s Canadian. The only thing thing missing is the skateboard:

I may have reached on that one.

Last up is Jade. Everything on the date is fairly normal, but she still has that one secret she needs to tell Chris. After meeting her family they had back to the hotel room and it’s time to let the cat out of the bag (cat = pussy. nude modeling. see what i did there?) Chris has a reaction that most people probably would have upon hearing the girl they are dating did nudes for playboy. She then asks him in the most cringe worthy way if he wants to see them.

She pulls out the laptop and shows Chris what he would get to play with in the fantasy suite. Someone please kill me if I am ever showing nude pictures and a video of myself to someone while on national TV. The only good thing about this is that no one in Chris’ hometown would find out since they clearly don’t have the internet where cows outnumber people 10:1

Rose ceremony arrives and to no one’s surprise Jade is sent home. The tag at the end shows Whitney’s dog humping some stuffed animal while they sit there and talk. I was wondering why the magazine at Whitney’s office with Jade was so sticky.

Chris Harrison told Jade to take a moment and say her good byes

See you next week.

- Nick