So there you are, sitting in your mom's basement in front of your computer watching porn and jerking off and wishing you could do it with a real live girl. Well, cheer up, dorkboy, it's possible! I've done it, so can you. Here are ten strategies that can actually get you in bed with a member of the opposite sex, whether you're a male nerd or a female nerd.

1. Get the fuck out of your house! Thare ain't gonna be no hot girl (or guy if you're a girl or a queer) knock on your door saying "will you please fuck me?" You're not going to get laid sending money to a dating site. Believe me, I've tried. Waste of good money and bad time.

2. Don't be picky! Face it, you're never, ever going to have sex with a supermodel. Find an ugly chick (or dork) who's likely having as much trouble getting laid as you are. Go to the library - a nerd of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're ghey) is as likely as you to want to get laid, but not be able to.

My current girlfriend weighs 300 pounds and hadn't gotten laid in six months when I met her. My last girlfriend was flat chested, bow legged, and had no teeth. There are definite psychical advantages to having a toothless girlfriend, too. If she's flat chested, two words: Doggy style.

Since you're a nerd, never forget to thank science for its advances! I'd never be able to get it up for my girlfriend if they hadn't invented viagra. Your doctor will prescribe it or give you a sample pack, just tell him you're having problems getting an erection. Just don't tell him you can't get it up because your girlfriend's butt-ugly. A side effect of viagra is it makes you onto a superlover - it turns you into the Energizer Bunny. You take the pill, she gets the benefits.

3. Crack whores! For twenty bucks a crack whore will let you do damned near anything you want to her, or will do anything you want her to do to you. Just don't let her into your house, as crack whores are all thieves. Again, I speak from painful experience. If you're a girl or a fag you can find male crack whores, although the female crack whores are more honest with themselves about what they are. Also, use a condom for Chrissake! A crack whore is almost 100% certain to give tyou the clap or worse if you stick your naked johnson in her.

4. A big dick isn't going to do you any good, unless you're a girl. Again, I speakfrom expoerience. A little dick will do you wonders if you're a fag. I'm glad I wasn't born a fruit, my schlong is too big to fit a mouth comfortably (at least one with teeth), or any ass smaller than goatse's. If you're a girl, settle for a little dick. Or come see me and my big cock!

5. Buy an airplane ticket to Nevada or Canada or Germany or Ansterdam. However, I personally prefer option #3, as I like skinny chicks, and I'm a cheapassed bastard. If you are a skinny chick, buy an airplane ticket to Illinois and see me! I won't complain about your big nose, flat chest, and missing teeth.

6. Be in a bar half drunk at quitting time. There is almost always some ugly chick that's shitfaced drunk who needs a ride home, then would like another type of ride. Never forget option #2! Beggars can't be choosers.

7. Hang out by the homeless shelters and by the parks the homeless hang out. To a chick who hasn't had a bath or bed in months, a bath and bed is heaven worth trading anything for - and the only anything she's likely to have is her cunt. Plus, she's likely to not have gotten laid in a long time either.

8. Lose some weight, fatass. Or if you're a skinny nerd, gain some. A little exersize never hurt nobody (but often hurt anybody).

9. Throw those taped up glasses away and get some contact lenses. They're dirt cheap these days. And buy some un-dorky clothes; you're likely to know at least one non-nerd, get them to help you.

10. Have a shitload of money, and flaunt it. A huge cock won't get you laid, but nothing turns a chick on like a huge wallet. After all, Bill Gates not only got laid but married (finally, at age 40), and his wife's only a little bit butt ugly!

And always remember, you won't get laid being shy. Remember rule #6; a few shots of Jack Daniels or Cuervo will cure your shyness.

Now go out there and catch something.