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Spy vs. Spy with married guys, the results of The Great Debate, Never-ending stories and the storytellers who never-end them, putting Vaseline on your eyes, more dong talk, what to do with a cheating mom, a news babe comes in with some amazing shoes, Asterios rants while I get the door, fight night updates about the Battle in Seattle, what to do if parents don’t like you, the male pill, Sean drinks a Diet Coke; all this and more on this episode of The Dick Show!

Today, the Dick Masterson you know and love will be no more. Either Trump will win the presidency, and I will become a new man, bursting out of this mortal body and turning into a being of pure energy and “I told you so’s”–an angel of capitalism and protectionism and sick burns. My hair will turn gold and look stupider, and my face will grow three sizes that day. Or option two, if Satan wins, then I will concentrate really hard and disappear, fading from this reality entirely and coalescing into an alternate reality where Trump won like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where all the Enterprise ships appear and that one is piloted by Riker and is all busted up and shitty because Riker did a crappy job in his timeline. I will do anything to get out of not eating my book. Please don’t make me eat my book, America. But first…

If buying video on demand from Amazon was a man, it would be the kind of man who shits Vaseline right into your eyeballs and then charges you for the privilege. At least that’s what I think about SD vs HD pricing. Putting the High Definition and the Standard Definition next to each other with the SD being much cheaper doesn’t make me feel like I’m getting a luxury product with the HD, it makes me feel like I’m getting ripped off. And that’s the best case scenario. No one is getting charged by the pixel.

The Dick Show Shoppe is now open at shoppe.thedickshow.com.

I’ve gotten a lot of questions about the exact fit of the large shirts in my store. Are they too tight? Do they go down long enough so you don’t feel like you’re wearing a midriff, but also not so long that it feels like you’re wearing a fucking tent? Well only because so many of you are asking, I’ll post this picture of myself wearing a large here. If you’ve never done a leg day in your life, that’s probably how it will look on you as well.

New items are being added as we speak, so keep hammering F5 until Cyber Monday and send me the best product pics you’ve got.

Never-ending storytellers make me a rage this week. And like most things that I hate, it’s something that I’m guilty of. I push the limits of just how far one of these never-ending storytellers will never-end in a never-ending story of my own that ends in an elevator accident. Then a fan calls in with a question that isn’t about getting laid. I’m out of my element here, but

Asterios calls in to hear the results of the Great Debate. Here’s a hint. Choo-choo motherfucker, it’s the last call for any Sneaky Greeks to board the Trump Train! Now leaving the station and heading directly to the White House. Asterios’ chickens come home to roost–or whatever they have for chickens in Greece, sheep or bakalava? Anyway, Asterios loses by Great Debate by a thin margin of three to two and, like the man he is, fulfills his promise to Make America Great Again this election. I think Asterios actually threw the debate because he secretly wanted to do it. No one could possibly loose a debate against me. Here are the results if you want to comb through them.

Who won the debate? Asterios Kokkinos (Hillary Clinton) Dick Masterson (Donald Trump) Poll Maker

Sean goes ga-ga for potential News Babe Layc Nichole who stops by with some fascinating news stories and some even more fascinating shoes that I can’t get enough of. Layc shows them off for Patreonis of The Dick Show who get a video version of the podcast every week, and then we get serious about the news; including the Male Pill, female comedienne Rachel Dolezal’s new book, and a news item that really gets Sean’s bong a’bubblin: Las Vegas is moving to become the new Amsterdam by legalizing weed! Like usual, I can’t speak for the authenticity of these stories, but I do have opinions on them. Check out Layc on Instagram to see more. I asked what her Twitter was and she said, “What’s that? Like a social media for ugly people?” Just joking.

Dustin calls in with fight night updates for the Battle in Seattle–and that update is that nothing is happening. He also has some questions from the DickHeads on Facebook like what should I do if my girlfriend’s parents don’t like me, and what advice will you give a kid? Then he hands out some worthless accolades for some reason. I don’t know the whole story, but if you want to, head over to The Dick Show on Facebook.

This episode’s BRUTAL ending track was an diamond encrusted log of iron shit through an asshole made of barbed wire by Kody Yardley. I listen to it a hundred times each day.



Here is a take of yours truly pulling a hot, hot pizza pie out of the Goss by Cliff Campbell.



Whang! sends in a remix and a real blast from the past. If you’re over 35, take a break from posting Minion pictures on Facebook and check out this remix of Sean drinking a Diet Coke. If you’ve never seen a skinny person drinking a Diet Coke, here’s your chance.



Numero Perdido animates my mansplaining rant. I hope he does more because only one other video has caused me to get so many personal calls about it and that one ruined my personal and professional reputations–among a bunch of unfunny, LA comedy pussies.



Sick thumbnail that begs you to say my name is of course brought to you by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



And, finally, the news:

The Male Pill

The New Amsterdam

Rachel Dolezal’s hilarious book

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