WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – After President Trump published a series of tweets pointing out the shortcomings of a number of elected Democrats, critics of the Commander-in-Chief insisted that the criticisms were completely unrelated to policy choices, but rather stemmed entirely from immutable personal characteristics, such as race and gender.

Democrat Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib – a recent victim of Trumpian diatribes – said she “knows 100%” that President Trump wouldn’t tweet-bash her if she were white.

“Just because I believe in socialism,” said Tlaib “which – within 20 years – turned a prosperous, oil-rich South American nation into a starving mob of zoo-monkey-eaters trapped in a toilet-paperless nightmare, doesn’t mean that that capitalist pig Trump has any non-racist reasons to single me out. After all, he’s a socialist, too. He just wants the kind where government doesn’t confiscate people’s property and choke individual initiative with webs of bureaucratic hoop-jumping which eventually devolve into a brutal conflagration of blood, whips, and guns. So in essence, Trump and I see eye-to-eye economically. He just hates that my eye is brown. Because he’s a racist”.

Dr. Walrus K.K. Kechoo, professor of psychology at Miskatonic University, unindicted Trump sympathizer, and right wing conspiracist, disagreed with Tlaib’s assessment.

“While it is true,” said Kechoo “that President Trump sometimes criticizes Democrats – especially the dumb ones – it’s strictly on the basis of their anti-free-market ideology, and it’s really just a quirk of statistics. Allow me to explain with simple logic: minorities tend to be Democrats; Democrats tend to vehemently disagree with Trump; Trump vehemently yells at those who disagree with him. Thus, Ipso Facto, Quid Pro Quo, Illegitimi Non Carborundum: Trump yells at minorities more than non-minorities.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disagreed, saying she was “convinced” that the criticisms flowed from Trump’s innate racism.

“Why would anyone ever criticize me?” asked Ocasio-Cortez. “Certainly not for ideological reasons. Heck, I can’t even spell ‘ideological’ without an app. I mean, like, just because I believe in socialism, the ideology which has only filled 100 million graves in the last hundred years – which probably isn’t even half of what climate change will do in the next decade if UN climate experts are right. Which they are. Because the science is settled. Like an undercooked hamburger into a queasy stomach. The point is, there’s nothing wrong with me. I mean, like, I’m not always right, and maybe I’m a little too into shoes, and sometimes I tar and feather Barbie dolls because I can’t stand that smug look on her perfect little face, but that’s just, like, normal, right? Trump’s gotta hate me for my skin color. Which matches my shoes. Aren’t they the cutest?”

Asked if he did, indeed, hate women and minorities, President Trump clarified his position by saying.

“Yes. Every single one of them who advocates for socialism. But only because they say dumb things. I hate people who say dumb things. Sometimes *I* say dumb things, too, and I hate myself for that. But I really do hate all socialists. Like Crazy Barry Sanders and Sleepy Joe Biden. I hate fake-Mexican O’Rourke, too. But only because he’s Irish.”

[IMAO Ace Reporters Frank J. and walruskkkch contributed to this story]

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