“I don’t need a man. The only man in my life besides my son is Jesus!”

“Put your faith in Jesus. He’ll never let you down like a man.”

These are both recent status messages on my Facebook news feed. Recency aside, they are hardly isolated.

Although it angers me to see black women portrayed in the media or by others as forever angry, bitter, or so independent that they no longer need a man in their life, I understand this false fierceness is a reaction to feeling like you are in this life completely alone and I do sympathize. However, there is a sinister force perpetuating this situation, and many do not even realize how their own emotions of loneliness, isolation, sadness, and physical exhaustion are being used against them to keep them single and without romantic love.

According to USA Today, “Women outnumber men in attendance in every major Christian denomination, and they are 20% to 25% more likely to attend worship at least weekly… The survey found 39% of U.S. adults — 45% of women and 34% of men — attend worship at least weekly… 31% of men… say they never go to church, not even on holidays.” This information is based on all Christian segments, not just the African American church, but when you look at those numbers there is an even larger gulf between male versus female attendance.

A study done in 2007, and published in 2008 by the Pew Research Center reports, “African-American women also stand out for their high level of religious commitment. More than eight-in-ten black women (84%) say religion is very important to them, and roughly six-in-ten (59%) say they attend religious services at least once a week. No group of men or women from any other racial or ethnic background exhibits comparably high levels of religious observance.” It is no surprise to anyone within the African American community that black women outnumber men at church services and events. The question however is, why? Based on the evidence I’ve seen, I feel there are several reasons.

First, black women outnumber black men in the general population. This is a fact we can’t ignore. More African American males are incarcerated in the justice system, and/or killed before they reach adulthood. Second, women have always been the official protectors of tradition in families, with men more likely to only show up for special occasions, weddings, funerals, etc. But there is another reason which is more subversive, and it leads back to those initial status messages.

Black women are in love with Jesus. If not Jesus, the pastor of the church is most certainly the new object of their affections. The pastor, who is usually their ideal as the perfect man, is brainwashing black women into turning Jesus into their lover. Jesus is the best provider, protector, the light of your life, the lover of your soul. He will never abandon you or take you for granted. He will love you forever, and ever, even though you are unworthy of being loved. You don’t ever need anyone else. Jesus, Jehovah Jireh, my Provider, Jehovah Nissi, Jehovah Shalom, my Prince of Peace. Nobody loves me like Jesus.

And tell me just how that list of qualities match up to the criteria you look for in a potential mate? Does that about cover it? Do you think it is a coincidence? I think not. Additionally your pastor knows this and is using it to keep you hooked and coming to services each Sunday. It is his strategy to keep taking the little money you have that should be going toward caring for your children, and instead padding his pocket so he can keep looking casket sharp for you to drool over each Sunday, or bible study Wednesday, while he takes his wife to dinner on your dime. Stop this madness.

I’m not here to bash you for falling for the okey-doke. It isn’t just you, it is millions of “you”s all over the country, doing the same thing, and posting on Facebook about your problems finding a “good man” or declaring how you don’t need one. Bullshit. We all need love.We need something else first however, and that is a genuine love for ourselves. The Christian church’s misogynist doctrine tears down a woman’s self-esteem and makes her feel unworthy of love further perpetuating and exploiting her unceasing uncertainty about herself. Nurturing an authentic self-love means challenging yourself to become a better person. Comfort and contentment are equal to stagnation and death. This equivocation exists because if you are not being challenged mentally and physically you are not growing. Stop letting others think for you, and begin to think for yourself without regard to where the journey will end. The journey should never end until you do.

This is the secret of how to be single and happy about it. If you meet someone as equally liberated and willing to love you and support your growth, then you will be ready to accept that challenge and be better for it, but it should be just an add-on to an already fantastic life.

Go back to school and get your degree if you have thought about it. Start eating better and taking care of yourself so that you can enjoy life and all it has to offer. Do something you have always wanted to try, but have previously let fear stop you. Challenge yourself. You may or may not find romantic love, but you are sure to find life, more fulfilling, more rewarding, more liberated, more luscious and deliciously intriguing. Those you encounter may not fall in love, but you will certainly not fall out of their memory.

And that my friends, is immortality.

-Mo

Love is love!