"We now return to Bad Boys Two: Return of Jafar."

"So it's come to this! You're not winning this fight!"

"You're not as big as you think, broseph!"

"The only rock you're going to feel is the pavement!"

"Who the f*** is talking about a rock!? Are you insane?!"

"You're gonna flip the bill of a check, ya body candyass!"

"Man, this detective movie is great," Ram said, munching on some popcorn.

"I know. It's so well written too," Rom said, also munching on the popcorn.

"The bill? The food hasn't even come yet! You idiot!"

The twins were invited over to Lastation's basilicom for their weekly movie night with Uni and Nepgear. As it was Uni's turn to choose a movie, she decided on a noir style film. Ram joked that she chose it because of its genre name, but was quickly hushed. The four sat next to each other on the couch, with Uni and Nepgear sitting next to each other on one end and Ram and Rom on the other.

"Nice choice for movie night Uni," Nepgear said with an arm wrapped around Uni's. "Where did you find it?"

Uni had trouble listening to Nepgear, due to her arm wrapped around Nepgear's, so Nepgear had to ask her again. Uni heard it that time and snapped out of her embarrassed and blissful state to answer her question. "O-Oh, uh, Noire had a bunch of noir movies like this stashed away in the closet. I thought it would be okay for me to use one for movie night." She was originally unsure about putting the movie on with it containing some swears, but figured that since they know Blanc they should be fine.

"Hmm…" Uh oh, Ram's thinking again. "Noire had a bunch of noir movies, you say? Wow, she must be a noir fan geek then!"

"That's funny," Rom said, giggling. "Noire's into noir? Guess she really likes herself then." Both of the twins giggled at the thought, and how funny saying Noire and noir in the same sentence sounded. Then a thought came to their heads. "Hey. If Noire has a bunch of noir movies…"

"And is a fan of noir…"

"And her name sounds like noir…"

"O-Oh! Rom! I've got an idea!"

What if Noire was a detective?

"Oh boy, here we go," Uni mumbled, pausing the movie and munching on popcorn as Nepgear sat in anticipation of hearing another one of the twins' stories.

~Noir~

Yaaaaaawn… Finally, I finished all of my work today, and the sun was still up. Well, it was actually setting more than staying up, but still the sun was visible. With all my work complete, I was finally able to relax. And everyone knows that the best way to relax is to cosplay! Well, maybe not everyone but I think it counts.

Every day, I dressed up in different outfits inspired by fictional characters. From anime, to games, to cartoons, I design outfits based on them and put them on. And yes, I made them all myself thank you very much. I even take photos of myself in them for photo albums. Oh, but I don't share them with anyone. It would be embarrassing if people knew I made and wore these things! I don't know how con goers do it…

Anyways, today I decided to go with an outfit based off of some old forgotten film genre. It sounded a lot like my name, so it peaked my interest. From what I found, a lot of the characters wore trench coats and fedoras and solved mysteries. Not many of the characters wore different things, but I really liked how it looked, so I decided to give it a try.

After sifting through my secret closet of outfits, I pulled out a tan trench coat and a tan fedora hat and placed them near the mirror that I set up. I grab a few more things, some black pants, a long sleeved white shirt and a long black tie. Good thing this outfit is simple. I really didn't want to risk poking myself with a needle for stitching the pants.

Minutes later, I admired myself in the mirror. Hmm… Not that bad really. Outfit's not that flashy, but I like the look. The big coat reached down to my feet and the tie really adds a center point of the outfit. Wait, that would mean people would be looking at my… Okay, maybe this outfit wasn't the best idea. I should really take this o-

"Noire I need your help!" Yipe! Neptune had just burst into my room without warning! Again! Doesn't she know what I do in my bedroom? No wait, that came out wrong. "Histy's gone missing and-" She stops talking and stares at me. Why is she doing that? What's wrong with how I-

"Gyah!" I'm still wearing my detective outfit! Quick! Behind the mirror! She won't look for me there!

"Oh, we're doing a noir story this time? Let me just get ready." Huh? Neptune grabs a purple feather boa out of my closet and walks back out of my room. I liked that boa. Well at least she's gone, now I can cha- "Detective Noire. I need your help."

"Oh for my sake Neptune, can you just get ou-" Oh Goddess, I think I'm going to bleed out. In Neptune's place was her goddess form Purple Heart. Except she was wearing that revealing dress from the peace summons with the feather boa around her neck. Not to mention she's walking towards me and swiveling her hips at me… Okay I need to get a tissue now lest my shirt gets stained.

Purple Heart leans down to look at me in the eye, making her dress fall down a little. Oh Goddess I need to stop focusing on those. Th-Them. That. "Histoire's gone missing, and I need some help in finding her."

I gulp down my built up stress and look at Purple Heart in the eyes this time. "W-What happened?"

"That's what I need you to find out." A flash of light shines and Purple Heart is replaced with Neptune, who proceeded to throw the boa away. "Come on! We need to get to Planeptune!"

"O-Okay, just let me change first." I start to remove my coat when Neptune suddenly grabs my wrist and pulls me out of my room. "H-Hey! I haven't changed yet!"

"Ah don't worry Noire. You need to dress the part for master detective for this story, so revel it while you can because no one writes stories about you on here!"

"W-What? Neptune! Wait!"

~XOX~

"Well here we are at Planeptune," Neptune said after dragging me all the way here. Both of us are currently standing in front of her basilicom that acts as her home. "Land of purple progress, pudding pies, and powerful posies." Neptune smiles for a few seconds before realizing something. "Oh no wait. That's what you're supposed to say. I'm supposed to be the lagomorph sidekick."

"What the hell are you on about Max? I mean Neptune?" I think I just made a thinly veiled reference to something. Don't know why. Geez, people are staring at me. They must think I'm a real creep for wearing this stuff outside.

"Come on Noire. I'll take you to the scene of the crime." Sheesh with how many times Neptune's pulled me around today, my arm might pop off. After a long ride up the elevator, we both reached the living area of the basilicom. I'm dragged again into the living room where Neptune finally lets the circulation in my hand continue. "Here's where it all happened."

"Uh… What happened?" I really couldn't tell if there even was a crime. Her living room looked the same as always. A big flat screen TV that was still on was connected to several game systems by cables that I don't even know what they connected to, a purple carpet that had pudding stains and bits of snacks scattered everywhere, and a four-person couch facing the TV. Ah, I remember sitting next to Neptune while we played games together on that couch. N-Not that I really enjoyed sitting next to her. I just liked the cushions on the couch… Th-They're… Soft.

"Didn't you hear me a few paragraphs ago?" Neptune asks, breaking some kind of wall again. "This is where Histy disappeared!"

"Are you sure she didn't just go out to get some more headache medicine for herself again?"

"No, this is different! She just disappeared! And I think…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Neptune, what are you doi-"

"She was kidnapped!" Gyah! She just yelled really loud in my ear! Goddess, if she made me go deaf I'll personally replace my ears with hers. "Oh, and I was building dramatic tension by the way."

I rubbed my ear as I glared at her. "Okay. How exactly did Histoire get kidnapped and why?"

"I'll tell you! Through wavy black and white filtered flashback monologue!" That's gonna be kind of hard in a written text format. Oh great, now she's got me doing it.

"It was three in the afternoon, and I was playing some games with Nepgear and Plutia. 'Oh Neptune, you're so cool!' Plutie said." I really doubt she said that. "'You're the best sister I've ever had," Nep Junior said to me." Okay now that sounds real. "We were playing a racing game together when Pisty came in and started yelling at us. While Nepgear and Plutie were busy cowering from Histy's lecture, I crossed over the finish line and won the game! After that, I got up from my seat as Histy kept yelling at the others and I went into the kitchen to grab a pudding." Of course you would. "After grabbing one, I went back into the living room and found that everyone had left. I sat down on the couch and ate my pudding in peace. That's when the realization hit me."

"That you're eating too much of that stuff?"

"No, that Histy wasn't there anymore. She always tries to take my pudding away when I eat it! I decided to look around the basilicom for her, but then I got tired so I grabbed another pudding and sat back down on my couch."

"And then you thought that it would take too much work to find her so you flew to another nation and pulled me back here to find her for you?"

"Yep!" Ah, this idiot. Well, better see what I can do to help. She said she went to get some pudding then came back and everyone left. Maybe they had something to do with Histoire's disappearance?

"Where's Nepgear and Plutia? Maybe they know where she went."

"Good idea Noire!" Heh. Of course it was! It was my idea! "Let's go ask them!" And great, she's dragging me around again. At least it won't be as long this time.

~XOX~

I take it back. It was long. She forgot where her sister's room was again. Well at least we're here. Just need to knock on the door and-

"Nepgear we know you stole Histy! Cough her up!" And have Neptune kick the door down and yell at her. Great. Nepgear didn't even have a moment to react as Neptune ran over to her at her desk and grab her by the collar. "Confess!"

"W-W-W-W-What? I-I-I-I d-don't know what y-you're talking about!" Great, now she's flustered. Never a good thing to have a confused and scared Nepgear.

I rub my eyes and walk over to them before I grab Neptune by the back of her coat collar and pull her off of Nepgear and onto the bed. I then turn back to Nepgear and try to explain. "Nepgear, I'd like to ask you a few questions about what happened a few hours ago."

"H-Huh? N-Noting happened a few hours ago! H-Honest!" Geez she's being really defensive about this. Wait, is she working on something? I think I saw something move behind her back.

"Hey Nepgear. Are you working on something?" I ask her.

"N-No. W-What gave you that idea?"

"N… Nep…" Okay, there's definitely something behind her no-WHACK! Dear Neptune I think she just hit it on the desk! Time to intervene! I grab what's behind her and hope I'm not too late to save Hi- "NEPGYA!"

"What what what what what what what what?" This isn't Histoire! It's some weird robot with Nepgear's face on it! Except it looks dumb like Neptune's dumb face. I stare wide eyed at this thing as it wiggles in my hand and Neptune and Nepgear seem as weirded out as me right now. Well Nepgear looks embarrassed more than surprised as she snatches it out of my hands and hides it behind her. "Wh-What the hell is that thing?"

"I-It's my new robotics project," Nepgear says looking down at it. "I left after playing games with Neptune and Plutia to work on it. Its… Not turning out that well." She brings it back out and the robot twitches its head in my direction. Eugh. I really don't like how it's looking at me. Stop staring at me with those big eyes!

I should really get back to focusing on the matter at hand here. Shaking my head, I look back at Nepgear and avoid any eye contact with the weird robot thing. "Nepgear, I want to ask if you've seen Histoire anywhere recently."

"Or if you've kidnapped her for one of your crazy cyborg fairy ideas!" Neptune accuses her, making Nepgear flinch.

"Neptune shush," I sternly tell the hyperactive monkey. No wait she said she was a rabbit. Or was it lagomorph? Is that a real word even? Hmm… Oh yeah, right now I need to listen to Nepgear.

"W-Well…" I feel like we're entering flashback territory again. "Neptune, Plutia and I were playing one of Blanc's newly released racing games in the living room. Plutia was in the lead and I was behind her while Neptune was in last place." Weird. She told me that she was in the lead. "I wanted to fall back to help her feel like she had a chance of winning when Histoire floated into the room. She started scolding us that we should be working instead of playing and Neptune got up in the middle of her conversation. I agreed that I should be working since I wanted to make some more progress on little Nepgya here." She picks up the little robot and holds it out to us. Oh, I'm not touching that thing again. I think it's going to haunt my nightmares. Wouldn't be the first time a Planeptune goddess haunted my dreams. Eugh… So much rope… "So I left and went down to a nearby gadget shop to get some equipment then went straight into my room. I even have a receipt from the store if you'd like to see."

I shake my head no. "No. I believe you Nepgear. Come on Neptune, let's go."

Nepgear lets out a sigh of relief as Neptune stands up from the bed. "Wait you're just going to leave it at that? Noire, she could have taken Histy for one of her crazy experiments!"

"Neptune, its Nepgear. Do you really think she could do something as out of character as that?"

"Well there was the conquest ending…"

"Let's go." I grab Neptune this time and pull her towards the door. As we leave, I turn around to see Nepgear give a small smile to me as she holds her small robot and make it wave its claw at me. Eugh, I think I heard it say 'smile.' Just go Noire, just go!

~XOX~

"Well, Nepgear didn't take Histy." No duh Neptune. "All that leaves now is Plutie!" she says in a matter of fact way with her finger in the air. She steps back a few feet from me before continuing. "I'll let you handle the accusation, Noire." Yeah, thanks for that.

Now where is Plutia? She couldn't have gone far with how sleepy she always is. I think she sleeps more than Neptune really. If that's even possible, but since we're talking about Plutia, it is.

"Snoooooore…" Huh? Did I just hear someone snoring? And did it come from the bathroom? "Snoooooore…" Yep. It did. Plutia fell asleep in the bathroom.

I knock on the door to try to wake her up. Nothing. I knock the door harder and Neptune steps back. Again, nothing. Okay, now I'm getting mad. I keep knocking on the door and I notice Neptune steps further away from me. Geez, Neptune. There's nothing to worry about.

"Hello?"

I mean Plutia sleeps like a rock that's thousands of miles deep under Gamindustri's crust.

"Noire?"

There's really nothing to worry abou-

"I'm getting mad now."

… Oh dear Neptune please don't be what I think it is. I turn my attention back to the door and see Plutia standing there with the door open and my knuckles placed on top of her head. She looks m… Mad…

"P-P-Plutia!" I jump back to try to get some distance but end up hitting the wall behind me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Neptune dart out of the hallway. "I'm so sorry! I-I was just trying to wake you up!"

"Oh you woke me up alright." A light fills the hallway and Iris Heart stands in front of me. N-Not good. "Now. What kind of punishment should I give you?"

Th-Th-Think Noire! You don't want your worst nightmares come to life! "I-I-I wanted to ask if you knew where Histoire went! N-Neptune says she's gone missing! D-Do you know where s-she might be?"

Iris glares at me as I just stand there, hoping that she doesn't pull out her whip. "Hmm… Let me see…" Oh thank me, she's focused on that! "I was playing with Neptune and her sister Nepgear in the living room. I was really creaming them." In the racing game she means! In the game! "Then Histy flew into the room in a huff. Oh, she was mad at us. She kept calling us lazy and irresponsible for not working. Sort of like my Histy, but she knows better." Well it is true actually. "At some point in the conversation, Neptune got up and walked into the kitchen as Nepgear stood up and wandered off. Histy just kept yapping away at me. Saying that I should really take more pride in my work. And oh yes, I do take a lot of pride in my work. Mhm hm." Oh that is not a good chuckle. I should probably slowly move away now as she keeps talking. "But just as I was about to show her how serious I can be, I had to use the bathroom. So I got up and left Histy alone. But when I sat down, I got really tired from the long walk so I fell asleep in there." It's a twenty foot walk, it's not that long. "And that's when you started knocking and hitting me on the head. And now that my story's over, I think it's time for your puni-huh?"

"ThanksforthehelpPlutiaIcantellyoudidn'ttakeHistoiresoI'lljustbegoingnowbye!" I run down the hall and escape. Ha ha! No one violates Noire! No o-"Guhuh!" I fall on top of something and am surprisingly cushioned by something. Hmm… Round. Soft. Feels like a pillow. Where have I felt this before?

"Oh Noire. I never knew you were so forward."

Oh… Oh no… I look up from my cushion to see Iris Heart lying on the ground under me. And these cushions aren't cushions.

"I-I-I-" In a second, I'm suddenly under Iris Heart as she looms over me.

She licks her lips and smiles. "Why don't I return your advancements?"

That sentence breaks me and the next few minutes are a blur.

~XOX~

I find myself standing in the living room, coat hanging on my shoulder, shirt half way unbuttoned and hat about to fall off my head. I don't know what happened a few minutes ago and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

Neptune walks in with a pudding cup in her hands and sees me. She stops dead in her tracks and I stare at her.

"Thanks for the help, idiot," I growl at her.

"Hey, you know what Plutie's like when she's mad," Neptune says with a smile on her face. "And I think you know all too well from the looks of it." I don't respond and just walk over to the couch as I think of what could have happened to Histoire.

Nepgear didn't take her as she went out to buy parts for her creepy robot. Plutia fell asleep in the bathroom while talking to Histoire. And Neptune looked around the entire basilicom but couldn't find her. Where could she possibly be?

"Eeeeep…"

What was that? I stand up and look around the room. Was that a mouse? An actual mouse instead of the abomination that whatever Warechu is? No. I don't think so. Planeptune may be a mess, but it's not that big of a mess. Guh, I really need to sit down and re-

"Eeeeep…"

Okay, I definitely heard that now. I stand back up and look around. Nothing but Neptune eating pudding at the kitchen doorway. Where could it be coming from? Hmm… I slowly sit back down and-

"Eeeeep…"

-Stand back up. I think it's coming from the couch. "Neptune," I ask as Neptune keeps gobbling down the pudding cup. "Are your couch springs broken or something?"

Neptune stops eating and looks at me confused. "No, it's the same foam cushioned couch as always." No springs? But then what's making the squeaking? I push my hand down on the couch cushion and-

"Eeeeep…"

-Pull the cushion off the couch, revealing Histoire and her tome nearly flattened under the cushion.

"Cak! Pah kak cough!" Histoire coughs up some dust as Neptune and I look at her in surprise. "Bleh! Thank you for finding me Noire. Ptoo! Bleh."

"Histy! I was so worried!" Neptune said in between bites of her pudding. She finishes eating and drops the pudding cup to pick up Histoire. "How did you get under there?"

"You sat on me!" Histoire yells at Neptune, almost making her drop the small fairy. I pick up her tome and hold it open for her to sit on. Neptune sets her on the book and she floats a few steps away to look at us. Geez she's angry. I don't know what's worse, an angry Histoire or Iris Heart.

"Histoire, how did you get under the couch?" I ask.

Histoire takes a deep breath in and out before she answers. "I had noticed that work on recent projects held by all Planeptune CPUs had slowed down, so I decided to investigate. That was when I saw Neptune, Nepgear, and Plutia playing a game in the living room. I decided to intervene and tell them how important it is for CPUs to keep working when Neptune got up in the middle of my conversation to the kitchen. I wanted to go and scold her when Nepgear said that she had to go to the store before it closed and left. And then Plutia left when she said she needed to go to the bathroom. I really wanted to give them all a piece of my mind and decided to wait in the living room for them all. I flew down onto the couch to wait for them all to return when Neptune walked in with some pudding. I was just about to fly up and smack it out of her hands when she suddenly sat on me! Fortunately, I fell through the side of the cushions with my tome but I ended up underneath it when she got up. I spent maybe a few hours under there until I was nearly squished to death again! Most likely by Neptune again." Histoire gives Neptune a sneer and I can see Neptune about to speak up. I nudge her with my shoulder to make her stop as I give her a sneer. "And then you saved me from a cushiony death Noire. I thank you for that."

"Oh no need to thank me! I only do everything!" I say with a smile on my face. Finally, I'm done with this ridiculous day. Although it was kind of fun solving a mystery of sorts. I might actually want to try it agai-

"Noire, might I ask why you are wearing a detective outfit?" Histoire asks me.

"KYAAAAAAAH!" Nope! Forget it! I never want to do this again!

~XOX~

"The end!" Rom and Ram said at the same time with a smile on their faces. Nepgear gave a small clap to the two as Uni gave them a bored look.

"Wow! You two are really good with your stories!" Nepgear praised the two.

"T-Thank you, miss Nepgear," Rom said, blushing a bit from the praise.

"Of course! We're great story writers!" Ram said, enjoying the praise.

"Yeah, yeah, it was fun with how you mocked my sister," Uni said in a grumbled voice.

"Oh come on Uni. It was a fun story, wasn't it?" Nepgear asks, smiling at Uni.

"Uh, y-y-yeah. I-I guess it was fun, if y-you say so," Uni stuttered, sweating a little. Uni lets out a cough before continuing. "N-Now can we continue with the movie now?"

"Oh yes, of course," Nepgear said, snuggling back next to Uni again. Uni fumbled with the remote a bit until she managed to press play. The twins just rolled their eyes at the two as they all continued to enjoy their movie night together.

And that's Noir folks! Hope you enjoyed it as it was pretty difficult to write, but I hope you got a few good laughs out of it.

NepisLife: Thanks for the offer, but I prefer Blanca-Cola over Nep Bull.

Ark: Glad you liked Censored and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. For your suggestion, I like it since you don't really see the CPU Candidates trying to run the country in any stories or even in the games, from how far I've gotten into Re;Birth MK2 currently. I'll add it to my list and see about writing it at some point.

PsychoPony777: Glad you liked both of the chapters! I really like the idea of Neptune and Noire's personalities switching and I think it would be a fun read! I already had that idea listed for future use so I'll include you being mentioned as someone that suggested it.

Your Everyday NEET: The world would be doomed if Censoredindustry became a reality. Histoire deciding to abandon Neptune to try to become a different nations Oracle would be pretty funny with how her expectations of the other CPUs would contrast with her ideals.

Sound Dash Productions: Glad you like them! The Plutia/Sadie story is my favorite as well and was fun to write! Hope you enjoyed this one!

Author Candidate-James Scott: Glad you liked Censored! I was really concerned that it would be unlikable compared to the other stories but I'm glad you found it hilarious! Your what if for Uni having a boyfriend sounds funny with all the other characters becoming interested in finding out who it is exactly and Nepgear's relationship with Uni. I'll add that to the list!

Kaiyo no Umi: Just gonna say thank you for liking and following this one-shot series! I love your stories and they were a big inspiration for the first chapter! Your suggestions all sound funny and fun to write! I really like the idea of Noire being more honest or confronting to Neptune since I think it would be hilarious if she talked back to Neptune about her saying she has no friends and ask Neptune what she is then. I'll be adding these to my list and see about writing them in the future! Hope you look forward to more of these in the future!

Hope you all enjoyed Noir! Leave a review if you did or if you found it a bit weaker than the previous ones! I love hearing your feedback! Also, I'm going to be working on putting more of these short stories out in the future instead of once a month so look forward to more of these coming soon!

Next time, a suggestion by KuletxCore where Rom and Ram become Blanc's older sisters' in "Candidate Blanc!"