CHICAGO—Having failed to find a single person to have a meaningful conversation with, least popular party guest Paul Whitford is really hitting it off with the host’s dog, sources are confirming. “You’re my buddy,” Whitford said while sitting next to the dog on the couch, looking at him at eye level, and petting him as partygoers continued talking and laughing amongst themselves nearby. “You’ve been a very good boy with all these people walking around your house, but I bet you’re ready for them to get out of here, right? Yes, I bet you are. Good boy.” At press time, Whitford was reportedly flipping through a coffee table book after the dog became interested in another guest.

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