Then he declared a national emergency over the coronavirus. “Two very big words,” he commented. I realize that this is only the 85th-most-concerning part of this strange ad-lib, but — “national” and ”emergency” are only medium-sized words! ”Floccinaucinihilipilification“ — now that is a very big word! I am going, as usual, to take the president seriously but not literally, something that makes times of crisis even more confusing than they would be ordinarily.

AD

AD

He thanked many companies for their help. He thanked Google, which was working on a website. Where was the website going to be? NO ONE KNOWS! Technically, ANY website could be the website! It is this flair for showmanship that always makes these news conferences so thrilling. Some people would say that when you are announcing an important government website to help people cope with a pandemic, you should have a clear handle on where it will be located. But actually I think this teaser created more mystery and excitement, also good things for us to have at this time of crisis.

The president later introduced a series of business leaders to compliment the job he was doing and to explain their contributions. In case you thought, “Maybe they will say useful things,” be reassured. Ninety percent of the conversation consisted of them thanking the president and touching at least the microphone if not also his physical body. Here is one example, literally verbatim:

“Thomas Moriarty, CVS. We all know CVS. Thank you.”

AD

AD

“Thank you, sir.”

“Thank you, Thomas.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. We have been focused since the start of making sure our patients and the customers we serve have the information we need, the safety we need as well. We are committed to working with the administration and local public health officials to make this work as well. And thank you, sir, for the honor.”

“Thank you very much.”

“Thank you.”

“Thanks, good job.”

Yes, the verbal equivalent of a CVS receipt: much longer than I needed and containing nothing of help to anyone!

Vice President Pence, known for his ability to respond to outbreaks in a prompt and nonjudgmental manner, then took the microphone to speak a few words of encouragement to the president, totally spontaneous and unprompted, except by the president who asked him to say a few words. “Thank you, Mr. President. It is . . . this day should be an inspiration to every American, because thanks to your leadership from early on, not only are we bringing a whole-of-government approach to confronting the coronavirus, we’re bringing and all-of-America approach. Mr. President, from early on, you took decisive action.” (The decisive action the vice president had in mind turned out not to be the rally speech calling the virus a Democratic hoax.) He took the words right out of our mouths! I hope he washes his hands.

AD

AD

The president did not seem to enjoy the questions he got from the media, including about why he had disbanded the White House office on pandemics (he knew nothing about it(?!?!)) and whether he planned to get tested after being exposed (“probably”). He waxed philosophical about the virus’s impact: “And we’ll be changing a lot of the rules, regulations, for future should this happen in the future, which we hope it never does, but it will, I guess, somewhere out there. There’s some bad ones over the years and, I guess that will continue to an extent.”

One reporter asked Trump whether he took responsibility for the lag in testing.

“No, I don’t take responsibility at all. Because we were given a . . . a set of circumstances, and we were given rules, regulations and specifications from a different time. It wasn’t meant for this kind of . . . an event with the kind of numbers that we’re talking about.“ Oh! Okay. I love leadership.

AD

AD

The bottom line is that as long as he is reassured, that is what matters. I’m not, but if he is! So, thank you, Mr. President! Thank you! You shouldn’t have.

Watch the latest Opinions video: