This might surprise you if you’ve never received email spam, but nearly 50 percent of men wish they had a bigger member, according to WebMD. (That must be a terrible affliction for you poor bastards; I feel your pain, except that I don’t.)

For decades paranoid guys have used vacuum pumps, dangling weights, and dubious vitamin supplements in futile attempts to enlarge their organs. But the truly dedicated go under the knife for penis enlargement surgery. About.com describes the gruesome specifics: “The surgeon will cut the ligaments that hold the penis in its usual position and this allows the penis to descend. … The procedure may result in scar tissue, the erection will point down, and the base of the penis will be hairy.” Sexy time!

As it turns out, a gross-looking inverted Chewbacca penis isn’t your worst fear. A team of Italian urologists just warned of complications such as “dorsal penile curvature,” which just sounds horrifying. No surprise that many surgery recipients were dissatisfied afterward. The average size increase is only one-half to one inch, which seems like a small reward for such a big risk.

The Italian urologists warned that most men who seek out this surgery don’t actually need it, and instead have a psychological disorder. (Some of the guys merely suffer from “‘hidden penis,’ which is caused by overlying abdominal fat and skin in obese aging men.” Enjoy your lunch.) Much like skinny women convinced of their corpulence, men are typically unjustified in their Small Penis Syndrome: only a teeny-tiny (so to speak) number of guys have a “micropenis” of 2.75 inches or less when erect, and the number is probably even smaller when you account for little people and Brett Favre.

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But it’s easy to profit off the widespread insecurity, as evidenced by Nigerian email scammers and BMW marketing execs. Penis enlargement surgery costs between $4,000 and $17,000.

Here’s the real tragedy: the vast majority of women—90 percent—prefer a wide penis to a long one. Time to book another operation, Chewie.

—Photo PaulinaJ.