Engineering Humor

"A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one. He would have to ask an engineer to do that." — Gordon L. Glegg, British Engineer, 1969.

I don't know where most of those came from, they were floating around on the 'Net.

"For an optimist the glass is half full, for a pessimist it's half empty, and for an engineer is twice bigger than necessary."

Engineering Terminology

What is said What it means A number of different approaches are being tried. We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. We just hired three guys... We'll let them kick it around for a while. Developed after years of intensive research. It was discovered by accident. Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties. We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. Test results were extremely gratifying. It works, and boy are we surprised ! The design will be finalized in the next reporting period. We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. The entire concept is unworkable. The only guy who understood the thing just quit. We need close project coordination. We should have asked someone else.

Alternate: Let's spread the responsibility for this.

"Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste."

The world does revolve around us... We pick the coordinate system. Find out what those other buttons on your calculator do. We know how to handle stress and strain in our relationships. Parents will approve. Help with your math homework. Can calculate head pressure. Looks good on a resume. Free body diagrams. High starting salary. Extremely good looking

"You can't spell Geek without EE."

T-shirt and jeans are their formal dress. Hot dog and a six-pack is their seven-course meal. The only social life known of is to post and talk on the net. Flames like a monster and speaks like a pussycat. Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm daily. No morning kisses and no evening walks. No matter how hard you cry and how loud you yell, he just sits there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of mathematical logic. Only listens to classic rock. Hates everything from Bach to Prince. Touches his car more often than you. Talks in acronyms. Can't leave that damn pencil off his ear for a minute. Will file a divorce if you call him in the middle of debugging.

From the back page of the Engineering Weekly ("Ingenioren," a weekly paper for Danish engineers) on May 19th, 1995.

"Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers ?

A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets."

You Might Be An Engineer If...

— You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

You enjoy pain.

You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".

You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

You frequently whistle the theme song to " MacGyver ".

". You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

You think in " math ".

". You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

You have a pet named after a scientist.

You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

You can translate English into Binary.

You can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says " Exit ".

". You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

You are completely addicted to caffeine.

You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

You consider ANY non-engineering course " easy ".

". "Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." — Scott Adams. "Variables won't, constants aren't" — Old engineering saying. When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.

The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

You have never backed up your hard drive.

You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon

You've ever calculated how much you make per second.

Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

You understood more than five of these jokes.

You make a copy of this list, and post it on your door (or your home page !)

"Boring: See Engineers." — From the Yellow Pages.

Joke

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

"Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a high pole. They try building a contraption by piling up unstable ladders, but after one of them gets hurt falling off of it, a technician comes, removes the pole, lays it on the ground and measures it. One of the engineers sneers at him: 'what an idiot, he didn't measure the height, he measured the length'..." "Some engineer out there has solved P=NP and it's locked up in an electric eggbeater calibration routine." — Randall Munroe.

Three men — a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer — are discussing their love lives. The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife. She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.

But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress", he says. "My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on".

Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie. Which is better, a wife, or a mistress ?

"I like having both", says the engineer. "That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one, and I can go into the office and get some work done".

Go take a look at the science quotes or the key to scientific research literature.