(Voice on tape) Hi, it's Donald. Donald Trump. Don't adjust your—whatever it is you're hearing this on. Get yourself a snack and settle in, 'cause I'm about to tell you the story of why I committed political suicide. There are thirteen reasons. And they're the best reasons. Everybody knows that.

If you got this box of tapes, it's because you were one of the reasons why. Of course I made tapes. I tape everything. My tapes are terrific. Remember that great Maxell-tape ad? The guy in an armchair getting blasted by his speakers? I came up with that. Anyway, listen to the tapes and you'll know why each of you—not me, obviously—is responsible for the end of my Presidency.

TAPE 1, SIDE A: James Comey

When you stood up to Hillary about the e-mail thing, right before the election, I thought, "Such a nerd, but I love this guy!" I mean, I was so into you. And I'll never forget our first date, when you told me over and over how much you cared about me and how little you were investigating me. But then you said you were investigating me and Russia in front of, like, EVERYONE! You hurt my heart. Bigly.

TAPE 1, SIDE B: Vladimir Putin

You're a bad boy, but I couldn't help myself. You were my first kiss with a foreign leader, and it was the best. I trusted you! I let your friends take pictures of me in compromising positions in the Oval Office, and then you posted them online for the whole world to see?! ANGRY FACE EMOJI TIMES INFINITY!

TAPE 2, SIDE A: Sean Spicer

I thought you knew me. But everything that comes out of your mouth I end up contradicting the next day. Why do you let that happen? Like, why would you say Rosenstein told me to fire Comey 'cause he was mean to Hillary? I never take someone else's advice on important decisions. It's almost like you don't know me at all! Plus, I HATE HILLARY!

TAPE 2, SIDE B: Hillary Clinton

People think I hate you, Hillary. I don't. You were even at one of my weddings. I'm not sure which one, but you were definitely there. I am pretty sure you lost the election on purpose, so that you and your Democrat friends could sit around laughing and tweeting about me having a hard time trying to be President, which is just mean. Actually, I DO hate you.

TAPES 3–5, SIDES A and B: The Lying Media

Sure, when I was younger, you thought I was sexy and great and you put me all over Page Six. But now that I'm older it's like we weren't even friends! You're always truth-shaming me. It's my mouth, and if I want to lie with it I will. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

TAPE 6, SIDE A : Paul Ryan/Mitch McConnell

I know you say that we're best friends, but sometimes I don't really feel like we are, if that makes sense? I get these weird vibes, like you aren't so sure you should hang out with me anymore. And I heard rumors that you're going to do all the fun stuff we planned together—like taking away people's health care and giving rich people tax breaks—without me! Can you even DO that? Don't you work for ME?

TAPE 6, SIDE B: Barack Obama

You think you're soooo much better than me. Just because you had fewer scandals in eight years than I had in the first eight minutes of my Administration. Well, some of us didn't grow up with the same advantages as you! Sorry if I wasn't born with a strong work ethic and a moral compass in my mouth. Obama, Obama, Obama! That's all I ever hear. You spoiled the country with all your speaking in full sentences and thoughtfulness, and now they think that I'm supposed to put out in the same way! UNFAIR!!!

TAPE 7, SIDE A: Hannah Baker

Your story really moved me in Season 1 of "13RW," as I like to call it. I mean, my episodes will be better because I always get the best ratings, but you were terrific. You reminded me of my daughter Ivanka, only not as hot or self-assured or synthetic-seeming in every way. By the end of the show, I was so wrecked I could barely tweet. I started insulting allies, giving secrets to enemies, firing anyone who looked at me sideways . . .

So now you see that, because of what each of you did to me, I committed political suicide. It was the best political suicide ever—I mean, no one can commit political suicide like me. But always remember: this was YOUR FAULT!