The queasy fears prompted by one of the most disturbing movie trailers ever seen are realised in full in Tom Hooper’s jaw-dropping feline folly

The filming of Cats is a difficult matter,

It isn’t just one of your holiday games,

Each actor involved here looks mad as a hatter,

When the trailer came out, we were CALLING THEM NAMES.

It began with Cat poems from old TS Eliot,

In the 80s, Lloyd Webber just put them on stage

That was frankly a bit of a gamble for Andrew, but

Coach-loads of punters made Cats all the rage.

An orgy of throbbing tails: is Cats the kinkiest film to earn a U certificate? Read more

Now Cats is on film, with many a lonely puss

Played by performers of A-lister class.

But the number of mammaries looks frankly erroneous

And tails that appear to emerge from each arse.

There are lots of big names here, names we see daily,

Names that supposedly give us a lift.

Nothing like Jonathan Pie or Bill Bailey,

But names like James Corden, and – yes – Taylor Swift.

The setting is London, it does look post-nuclear

There aren’t any people, so maybe there were

Bomb blasts – or maybe a bio disaster

Causing cat-human mutants with digital fur.

The twitching of ears on their heads is distracting

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Bemused … Judi Dench as Old Deuteronomy. Photograph: Universal Pictures



As they gaze at the greenscreen and sashay and crawl,

It’s weird to behold them all gurning and acting,

And why do so many resemble Darth Maul?

Did director Tom Hooper intend this appearance?

Did it make him feel happy – or cause him some stress?

We have to assume that he gave it his clearance

But THE MAN HIMSELF KNOWS and will never confess.

These are the Jellicle felines of legend,

All elbows and shoulders and undulant arms.

Each male in the cast looks a bit of a bellend,

And those bizarre whiskers don’t add to their charms.

The Jellicles welcome Victoria: a new cat,

Francesca Hayward’s the thesp with this role,

She’s sleek, unlike Corden – well known for TV chat

But it’s his size that reveals that he’s meant to be droll.

And then Idris Elba comes on as McCavity,

(A boomy-voiced villain in anyone’s book)

There’s a prominent gap in his penis locality.

I honestly didn’t … well … know where to look.

As Grizabella, Jennifer Hudson will sniffle

Singing Memory, this movie’s moment of truth.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Gurning and sashaying … Cats. Photograph: Universal Pictures

But it’s warbling warbling warbling piffle

From a bag lady drama-queen obsessed with lost youth.

The Jellicles’ leader is Old Deuteronomy

Judi Dench has this part, looking very bemused.

What’s with that extra big fur coat? You’ve got me.

She looks bewildered and (like us) confused.

Obviously, Ian McKellen is in it,

And he’s got a tatty old topcoat as well.

The other cats’ nude state is clearly permitted.

But why? That is something that no cat will tell.

There’s another cat in it, by name Mungojerrie,

Not the 70s pop group who once raised a cheer,

With their Summertime chart hit that really was very

Much better, more catchy, than anything here.

'A furry orgy in a dumpster': what the reviews say about Cats Read more

Ray Winstone’s the creepiest cat in this feature

His Growltiger sends a sharp chill down your spine

With his hissing he looks like he’s having a seizure,

It’s scary – like adverts for betting online.

When you notice these cats in profound meditation

With a digitally created frown on their brow

Their minds are engaged in a rapt contemplation

Of the thought, of the thought, of what on earth to do now.

“Pretend to be cats!” says a director. They reply …

“Me? How?”

• Cats is released in the UK and the US on 20 December and in Australia on 26 December.