There’s a question I find myself contemplating whenever I reach the 3-4 month mark of being single again and the question is this:

Why do the available, attractive and interested men seem to hit on you only when you are in a committed relationship and they all of a sudden disappear when you are no longer with your significant other?

It’s as if there was a sale at H&M for the newer David Beckham underwear line and hordes of men were just waiting to try your brand of sexiness… then the sale is done, season is over and Aussie Bums are the hot new item and you are not.

This is the paradox that messes with me more than why the French can eat so much fat and carbs and yet remain so thin… clearly it’s the red wine and I just need to drink more… or is it?

What is it that makes one so desirable when they are in a relationship? For the random guys I may meet at bars, clubs, restaurants, art openings, fashion shows and other social events where the gays would often be, I can understand how I may be mistaken to be single since the men I’d meet there I’d likely be meeting for my first time, I wouldn’t yet have a ring on my finger nor would I feel the need to be postured next to my boyfriend at every single moment. So for these guys, I’m an unknown who has yet to be qualified, which makes sense to me. I can account for this category of suitor who I’d miss like trains in the night. And these guys will come and go in your life.

I do wonder, though, if there is some kind of energy I put out that essentially waves a flag over my head saying,

This guy, right here. He’s not looking or desperate. Choose him because he doesn’t NEED you. He’s the forbidden fruit you WANT to eat. Feel free to put your paws on him. Relationship material… go for it!

So, in your universe, you and your significant otter are lovey-dovey and via your interactions with each other demonstrate to your peer group of friends and their friends the elements of a good relationship: affection, communication and compromise amongst a host of other traits that can make a relationship desirable. Essentially, you have this heat and energy between you whereas a couple you are like the sun and the friends gravitate around you like planets – magnetically and gravitationally attracted to what you (as a couple) put out together. It’s this really good, very positive energy that people want to be around.

Occasionally, in your orbit of love there’s another category of guy who shows up maybe as often as Pluto actually makes a full orbit around the sun – very rare. This is what I call a satellite… hence satellite affair.

While you are in your relationship, this is the guy whom you may meet through a friend (or friend of a friend) whom you also find attractive and would also have likely attempted to explore a romantic relationship with had you not already been in relationship with your current guy. You find him interesting, sexy, humorous; generally having qualities you look for in a guy you would date.

Through various group social interactions you end up becoming friends with him (and on Facebook). Always in real-life, he’s polite, friendly, engaging and talks to you more than your partner, though he definitely acknowledges him as well, but never crosses the line in your relationship with uncomfortable requests.

Online, he always ‘Likes’ your status no matter what you are doing, especially if you are doing date-like things with your man. Oh he loves that and is probably thinking,

I’m going to have that one day with him, yeah… he just doesn’t know it yet.

Every now and then you might get Private Messages from him at 10pm at night saying,

How are you? What’s going on these days? It’s been so long since we’ve hung out. We should grab coffee.

But you never do. Meanwhile he is living his life – going on dates, vacations, having fun with friends.

He bides his time. Lurking… in the dark, gay shadows.

All of a sudden, you’re single now and he’s found out about you through word-of-mouth months later because you cleverly hid your relationship status on Facebook before breaking up, then took off your boyfriend from ‘In A Relationship With’ and also deleted the action from your Activity Log at midnight… when no one was likely checking.

Smithers, release the hounds!

This is the one time that the trains that fly by night actually hit each other and you recall those times when you get hit on as a coupled guy (or could sense a connection) is a time that you could benefit from.

Your satellite affair goes in for the kill.

He messages you. You message him back. There’s banter, sexual innuendo and flirting… just what you needed since you broke up but this is different from a rebound because you already rebounded in the first couple months.

Here’s a scenario where you actually go on a couple dates and perhaps even have some intense curiosity-satisfying sex. It may or may not go in the direction of LTR. This might not be the guy who is necessarily going to be the next beau, but who knows?

One friend of mine has a phrase for this:

“In case of emergency, break glass for dick.”

Another friend of mine has a slightly better term for this kind of guy – a “Punch Card”. You’ve been building rapport with this person for awhile and incrementally move toward something you finally want to cash in on or redeem. But you never exercise your freebie for your free protein shake at the Emerald City Smoothie until you’ve gotten your last punch, which can only be attained once you are single.

But that last freebie was a couple years back.

When can I claim the next punch card?



