Cheating is as old as the institution of marriage.

It might even arguably be the default mode for our species – it’s not that we have to fight to cheat; we have to fight not to cheat. Because let’s face it: It’s not that difficult for us to allow – and want to allow in – the excitement of new desires, the thrill of a new connection, the high of a new experience.

But it’s even harder in a world where technology changes the notion of space and time, breaking down some of the barriers that may have protected us from cheating before.

#### Gail Saltz ##### About Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and author of many books – including the critically-acclaimed *Becoming Real*: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back. Saltz has shared her expertise on *The Oprah Winfrey Show*, *Dateline*, *20/20*, *Primetime*, and elsewhere. She is also an associate professor of psychiatry at The New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, and can be found on Twitter at [@DrGailSaltz](https://twitter.com/DrGailSaltz).

Temptation can suddenly flip a mental switch and leave us on the other side of infidelity, and that was before technology became the new way for people to communicate and connect in relationships. In some ways technology makes it harder for us to cheat (guilty texts or search logs anyone?), but in other ways it makes it much easier to (lurking on ex-girlfriends' feeds?).

As a psychiatrist who focuses on relationship issues, I used to tell the couples I worked with that the easiest way to keep their relationships safe from infidelity was to avoid tempting situations. In other words, to not flirt in a way we’d never do in front of our partners, confide problems to people we’re attracted to, drink in one-on-one settings, or get “harmlessly” touchy. I’d even advise people to occasionally invite their partners along on business trips or dinners with attractive colleagues.

Before the proliferation of technologies like social networks (Facebook, Twitter and yes, even LinkedIn), instant and ephemeral messaging (SnapChat), and even basic stuff like e-mail, avoiding temptation was hard ... but doable. While we could choose to put ourselves in – or remove ourselves from – risky situations, we were able to remove ourselves physically from those environments too. The moment we became aware ("uh-oh, I’m entering dangerous territory with the woman who works three cubicles over") we could pull back and go home.

Now, there’s no “safe” house. There’s not even a clear physical space or demarcation between safe zone and not-safe zone. Our minds can be stimulated and titillated 24/7 ... no matter where we are.

The Guilty Parties, er, Technologies ————————————

Texting allows constant and secret communication. Before sexting, we were less likely to lose our moral compass due to visual stimulation because public and shared spaces held back our natural tendencies for exhibitionism and voyeurism. But sexting lets us cross those boundaries in the virtual world – even if we haven’t met those people in the real world.

Men are especially prone to being visually sexually stimulated, many studies show. So picture taking that then disappears – that is, like SnapChat – plays to that vulnerability. Not to mention making it less likely for the taker and receiver to get caught.

Banning kids from Vine porn doesn’t help the adult cheaters, either. In fact, one could argue that six-second loops providing only tantalizing glimpses create more yearning and desire than a full-fledged porn video would. That kind of temptation creeps up on us slowly, since we don’t have the obvious barriers of time ("it’s porn hour!") or limited space ("I’m at home and no one else is").

>Facebook, in particular, sets us up: not for the life we want, but for the life we had. Or had. Or wanted to have.

Speaking of crossing the barriers of time and space, there’s nothing like an old flame here. Social networking has gone beyond social networking to fanning the flames of old relationships, both real and imagined. I’ve seen that much infidelity starts from old flames found via a social networking site.

Facebook, in particular, sets us up: not for the life we want, but for the life we had. Or had. Or wanted to have. Yes, it’s fun to take a trip down memory lane and learn what happened to people from our pasts and see where they are today. The problem is when we hone in on the people with whom we either had – or wanted to have – an amazing fling. Our minds begin to imagine scenarios of being romantic with them again. Worse, our minds magically enhance the remembrance of a time past.

Think this is just a bit of innocent, harmless daydreaming? Think again. Most infidelity begins in the mind. It’s particularly dangerous since our brains have a way of glorifying the romance of the past – leaving out the annoying details – and the mental pictures of social network interactions don’t catch up with the realities of our physical interactions. Emotional affairs hurt just as much as physical affairs, and many of the technologies for entering an affair really work by reaching out and grabbing us emotionally. It’s too easy to be bolder than we typically would from behind a screen. It’s too slippery a slope to over- or under-interpret textual cues without facial expressions and other non-verbal cues.

>Most infidelity begins in the mind.

Technology clearly gives us so many ways to cheat, even in a world where we have so little time. But how do we guard against the things – like e-mail and texting – that have become a necessary part of our daily lives?

The key is to be aware, and to cut down on this screen time while dedicating more time to actually being present with our partners. The initial promise of monogamy means little without the day-to-day decision to renew that promise and the conscientious determination to put our sexual and emotional longings where our commitments are.

The next best thing is to pretend our partners’ faces are hovering above those screens – phone, laptop, tablet, desktop – because that kind of visualization turns seemingly private spaces into seemingly public spaces and helps keep our moral compass pointed toward “honest.” But if we have to use these screens at all.... Why not use the very technologies that tempt us to shift focus, perhaps beginning by sexting our real-life partners instead on this Valentine's Day?

Wired Opinion Editor: Sonal Chokshi @smc90