TOOL NEWSLETTER

APRIL 2014 E.V.

Recently, while attempting to locate a piece of original Tool-related artwork that I hadn't seen in nearly 20 years, I met with the head of the band's merch department, hoping that he had some idea where it had been filed away. After searching through a few metal cabinets and some overstuffed cardboard boxes, unable to find it, "Merch" wondered if it might be somewhere in the Tool Museum? Knowing that what he referred to as a "museum" was actually a large storage area filled with all kinds of Tool property, I agreed that we should take a look. So, we jumped into his car and drove to a nondescript brick warehouse adjacent to the merch offices.



With security cameras following our every move, after pushing back a realistic false wall, I followed Merch as he entered a dimly lit spacious room with narrow walkways between jam-packed trunks and cobweb-festooned shelves containing grotesque latex heads, foam prosthetics and colorful silicon dissected physiques. Some looked like Tricky, others like old Scratch himself, and one like... Paula Deen? Perhaps some day the video artifacts in the cluttered storehouse might be displayed in a Tool museum of sorts, but for now most were covered with dusty plastic tarps or placed haphazardly on makeshift shelves. Seeing the blue apples with the geometric figure used in the Parabol/Parabola video, I uncovered one of the heads of the "evil record company mutants" from the same video, wondering if it was the one that I wore during the shoot?



Like some phantom of the opera wearing Nikes, Merch continued deeper into the repository, now resembling gloomy catacombs with the hideous grimaces of sculpted claymation mutations, stop-motion animation cryptids, translucent painted maquettes, and bizarre flocked humanoids. With still no sign of the artwork among the itemized assortment of fabricated monstrosities, we sorted through matt painted backdrops, video storyboards and props that were surrounded by cases of brass tubing, casting plaster, acrylic resin, gelatine, plastelina, chavant clay, epoxies, putty, solvents, adhesives and a variety of tools used to create special effects. But still no sign of what I was looking for.



Another area seemed more promising. Here there were cartons of discontinued tee shirts, damaged vinyl, CDs, DVDs and other long-forgotten items of merchandise. Along with other Tool produced odds and ends, there were several gold and platinum record award plaques (still in the boxes) that, for whatever reason, the recipients had never received. Most desirable of all, however, was a certain item that contained the ultimate Tool hidden track - the song entitled, "Problem 8: The Riemann Hypothesis."



And although we never did find the ellusive artwork, walking through the "museum" gave me an idea for a Tool Newsletter: Why not post an interview with "Merch?"



AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TOOL'S "MERCH"



BMB: How did you get the Tool merch gig, and how long have you been doing it?



MERCH: I am an avid collector of lenticular artwork and when I saw my nephew with a Tool lenticular key chain, I snatched it from his hand for a closer look. It fell to the ground and when I picked it up, I saw that it had a small crack in it. The next day he emailed the band's merch department to see if he could get a replacement. After no response, I gave him $5.00 for the broken piece and took a photo of it, which I then sent to the band's merch office. The next day I was contacted by someone there and told to personally BRING the keychain to them in order to get a replacement. So, I made the trip from Wyoming to L.A., and took the keychain to the person in the office. When I handed it to this person, he looked at the crack with bewilderment. He then offered me a drink that tasted like a cross between apple juice and Pine-Sol. After taking a few sips, I began to feel kind of strange. My eyesight glazed over, and the sounds in the room were oddly muffled. Then everything blurred. I was paralyzed. The next thing I remember was being taken from a van while blindfolded. When this was finally removed, I found myself in some bizarre octagonal room that was illuminated by lots of blazing green candles. Several people draped in black robes and wearing masks that looked like the "Opiate Priest" were standing around me. One of them was holding the lenticular keychain, and pointing to the crack in it. He told me that it was a definite sign, and that they (Tool) had been waiting for it to appear for quite a long time. It turned out that the crack was in the form of what is now known as the "ToolArmy Star." Evidently, of all "shoddy humanity", I was the "Chosen One." The person holding the broken lenticular keychain proclaimed that it was my destiny to be "Merch." He then handed me a goblet that contained a liquid that tasted like purple Gatorade and Pine-Sol. After taking a drink, this masked person told me that I would have no memory of the secret ceremony that followed as I swore the Tool Merch Oath... JUST KIDDING. Actually, I saw a want ad either listed in the back of an L.A. Weekly, or pinned to the cork bulletin board in the laundry room of my apartment. It was for the Tool merch position. So, I called the phone number and was told to come in for an interview. When I arrived, they asked my to fold a tee shirt, reload a tape gun, and place a sticker into an envelope. After doing so without any problem, the person said, "You are so f**king hired!" He then added, "Wait until you hear about the holiday lunch."



BMB: Since you've been working for Tool, what has been the best selling store item? What was the fastest item to sell out? Also, do you happen to know what is the all-time best selling item of Tool merch?



MERCH: Technically, I think the all time best selling items are the Tool Army memberships, but the best selling item in the shortest amount of time is the Opiate 21st Anniversary Edition re-release.



BMB: Do you have your own personal favorite Tool tee shirt design?



MERCH: There have been so many good ones over the years, but I think my favorite one is my favorite out of nostalgia. My very first Tool shirt was given to me by Adam in 1997 on the Lollapalooza tour. It was the "contortionist" design, and I wore it almost everyday that following year.



BMB: I know that there is a Tool 'repository' that contains all kinds of stuff, including video props, discarded gold and platinum record awards, merch proto-types, etc. If an avid collector of Tool memorabilia were to have his or her choice of one particular item there, what do you think it would be?



MERCH: There are lots of really cool things there, but with the "Opiate Priest" statue now elsewhere, I would have to go with the thing that has the hidden track called "Problem 8."



BMB: I understand that you are currently working with some high-tech company to create what you call a "video tee shirt." As I understand it, this contains integrated sensors, computer circuitry, and something akin to piezoplastic that when activated (by touch?) enables the shirt to play a video. How is this coming along, and once perfected and produced, will the video be something completely new, or a previously existing Tool video, or both?



MERCH: Well, as of right now, I have to keep the details of such developments close to my chest. I will say that we are working on things never before seen, and concepts that take the live show experience to another level.



BMB: What is the lamest prototype of a Tool merch item that WASN'T green lighted by the band that you've ever seen?



MERCH: Maybe, the holiday chocolate TOOL WRENCH candy bar. No, it was those cans of alphabet soup that only had three letters: a "T", an "O", and "L." That was pretty damn lame, I thought.



BMB: If you had the go-ahead to re-produce any vintage Tool tee shirt, which one would it be?



MERCH: 'Novus Opiate Seclorum.'



BMB: I know that many years ago both Maynard and Justin created a limited edition art print that was for sale in the ToolArmy Shopping Bazaar. Are there still any plans for Adam and Danny to individually come up with something, thus completing the set?



MERCH: I text from time to time about them doing this, but I still haven't gotten a response.



BMB: Did you ever consider driving them both out into the desert some really hot afternoon, forcing them to strip naked at gunpoint, and then tying them up with rope spread eagle next to a large fire-ant hill?



MERCH: Well, of course, and drenching their bodies with maple syrup and rainbow colored sprinkles, but I'd still rather keep trying with texts first.



BMB: When it comes to Tool merch orders, what country or countries have the most credit card fraud, and what have you done to combat this problem?



MERCH: Unfortunately, fraud comes from many places, but the most probably comes from either the micro nation of Sealand or Vatican City. Actually, I think it is Djibouti. "Djibouti likes the booty", I always say.



BMB: Is Adam or any of the other band members still as hands on when it comes to the merch art designs, or after all these years, are they not as closely involved with the artwork, letting others such as management, the merch company, or yourself sometimes decide what gets produced?



MERCH: Still very much involved. I think one of the reasons the cycles of new designs takes a long time, is that they are so hands on. There have been variations of current art created by the merchandiser, but that is really just taking art and manipulating it so it works for merch.



BMB: I know that the band still gets lots of snail mail sent to the business management address, and that part of your job is to screen some of this mail. What is the strangest thing that someone has sent a band member? Also, what is the angriest email that you've personally received from a disgruntled customer?



MERCH: I have come across a wide variety of strange things sent to the band from fans. Ranging from sweet and heartfelt words to bizarre collectibles to death threats. One time I came into my office with three different animals preserved in jars of formaldehyde sitting on my desk, and the weirdest part about that is to this day, I don't have any idea how they got there. The box of toenails and pubes was a fun package. I have started a collage of interesting mail surrounding a painting of Jesus with an aura of gold and glitter that was also sent in through the mail.



BMB: Has anyone ever sent a robot's pizza?



MERCH: Do you mean a 16" circle of sheet metal that is covered with an iridescent film of oil that has assorted nuts and bolts spread out on top? If so, yes, we have gotten a few of those over the years. I thought it was an abstract art project, but a robot's pizza now makes a lot more sense.



BMB: I've seen the test pressing for the vinyl for 10,000 Days. Are there still plans to manufacture and sell these, or is that something else that is on the back burner?



MERCH: Oh, that's out already. There was just a mistake with the order. As always, the band wanted to make it a limited run. What happened is when the order was placed, instead of doing 100,000 copies, they only did 1,000 copies. Most of them were soaked up by the extreme collectors and it has generally come and gone under the radar.



BMB: What changes would you like to see with regards to the Tool merch department if you didn't have to answer to anyone, and, more realistically, perhaps, what kind of things do you envision in the near future with regards to Tool merch?



MERCH: A new website would be nice. Or, a teleportation device. Quantum teleportation. Either that or a new website. Which ever comes first?



BMB: If it were totally up to you, what unique Tool gift item would you give to the crewmembers after the band's next tour?



MERCH: I think the pleasure of working for Tool is enough of a gift. You mean they also get to be lavished with barbecue accessories, pajamas, snuggles, and specialty shirts that say "CREW" on them? I mean, come on, it's not like they're curing alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency.



BMB: Have you ever found a box of old Tool merch that had been misplaced that contained desirable products that haven't been in the store for many years?



MERCH: I have several of these boxes in the museum. I have kept at least one of every piece of merch since I started. There are many. Even so, I am not the Phantom of the Tool Museum. I don't know who roams around there at night, making noises while hunting through stuff. Rats or demons, maybe?



BMB: I know that the Merch Department and the band's Business Managers get together during the x-mas holidays for lunch at a high-end restaurant. So far, what was your favorite place, and how much damage was done with regards to the bill?



MERCH: We usually go pretty damn big for these lunches. They let us order whatever we want at the restaurant. It's pretty nice. I think my favorite was this past one. Mostly because I set a new personal best of two whole "Shakey's" pepperoni pizzas. Large ones and not the "Bunch of Lunch", I might add. Washed it down with root beer-flavored fizzies they gave us that tasted pretty similar to A&W. In the wise words of my father, "If that ain't livin', kick me the f*#k out." I'm really hoping that we can finally go to the Sizzler this year, but if it turns out to be "Little Caesars" then watch out! I might just go for three larges!



BMB: Why hasn't anyone discovered the Tool hidden track entitled "Problem 8", and posted it all over the internet? Similarly, do you think anyone will ever figure out the secret placed in the insert containing the spoof catalog in Tool's import of "Aenima?"



MERCH: I don't think we're supposed to talk about that. Would you care for a cool glass of purple Gatorade?



BMB: What was the largest order of Tool merch that you've ever received from an individual?



MERCH: It was recently, for the Opiate 21st anniversary release. Some Ladonian bought five copies of each version.



BMB: What does your Friday lunch ritual at "Islands" consist of?



MERCH: Shorebird on white, no tomatoes, side of avocado, with cheddar fries and ranch dressing. All washed down with a surprisingly good Mai-Tai or two.



BMB: What is the biggest mistake that people make when ordering Tool merch?



MERCH: Not ordering enough shirts with the fish design. Also, an emoticon with a smiley face in the order column goes a long way.



BMB: Is some of your merch friendly to the environment?



MERCH: Well, we have shirts and hoodies that don't threaten the endangered Ivory-Billed Woodpecker and Chinese Giant Salamander. And I doubt that anyone will ever find a Samoan little dodo bird choking on one of our stickers in some Pacific garbage patch...



BMB: Thank you, and that purple Gatorade is pretty good... even though it has slight taste of Pine-Sol...



Before closing, there is one other thing that I recall, which relates to the merch department. Many years ago, while attending dozens of meetings about the band creating a new website, a couple of us came up with this idea for dealing with those Toolarmy members who repeatedly abused the system. The idea went something like this: Rather than deleting the accounts those with really negative karma from the site, instead, they would be dealt with by other Toolarmy members who had especially positive karma. By a majority vote, the constant offenders would be sent to the lowest level on the site - a kind of hellish cyber region subject to all kinds of computer glitches, with endless loops of Bieber singing Robin Thicke songs, dissertations of lima bean harvesting in the Finnish language, and perhaps (cruelest of all), pop-up of images of Xians stuffing their pious faces with Sunday pies at Marie Callenders. Or maybe... just maybe... the lower level would simply be normal working pages from the old (i.e. current) Tool website. Anyway, you get the idea.



While confined to this lowest of levels - complete with a new avatar that reflected one's fall from grace - the person would have (very) limited access to the site's normal features, as well as limited communication with other members via messages boards, etc. This isolation would last until the offender was deemed worthy of being released as voted by other high-standing members. But the really funny thing was that while stuck in the lower level, the person could still make purchases from the web store. However, they would have to pay a little extra for any items. We called this an "asshole tax." Now, obviously, none of this ever came to realization...but who knows what the future holds as "Merch" contemplates things while enjoying a "Shorebird" on white, with no tomatoes, some avocado, cheddar fries with ranch dressing and two (count 'em) Mai-Tais.



SELECT MERCH FROM THE TOOL MUSEUM



To go along with his interview in the newsletter, "Merch" will be adding a very limited number of some rare, discontinued items in the Tool stores. This will include vintage shirts such as "Pillhead" and "Holy Reality" to name a couple. Also there will be a few Salival box sets, signed Lateralus vinyl, old tour posters, autographed drumheads, and anything else that he might dig up in the storehouse. So be sure to check back from time to time to see what he has added. And don't forget to include an emoticon of a smiley face...



HAPPY TRAILS









BMB