UXBRIDGE, ON – A wealthy snapping turtle from the Oak Ridges Moraine Conservation Area has successfully lobbied to keep her home after making a generous donation on the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party.

The large freshwater reptile greased the wheels of government with a $100,000 donation, befriending the Premier, and intense lobbying with the Ministry of the Environment.

“My family has lived on this land for 50 million years, and I wasn’t ready to very slowly walk away from it,” said the snapping turtle poking her head above the water. “I had to make a business plan for the Green Belt and show how the pond and surrounding wildlife could create jobs.”

The successful petition for preserving the sensitive Mixedwood Plains ecosystem was credited with the strategy of having money and “getting your claws dirty.”

However, other species have accused the snapping turtle of nepotism referring to the turtle’s cousin who is also a pet for the son of an MPP.

“I hide in mud and hang around with bottom-dwellers, so I know how the system works,” added the turtle.

At press time, an incorporation of beavers received approval to go ahead with a 68-storey dam project after donating $50,000 to Ontario Proud.