The tagline is literally:

“Think. Eat. Rock.”

An earlier draft:

“Think. Eat. Rock. Maybe Abolish ICE. We’ll Think About It.”

Look, I come not to praise OZY Fest, nor merely to attempt to smugly bury it. I cannot bury something so well financed. How does one go apart dismantling the wet dream of a policy wonk? I’m just genuinely bewildered by it all. In the spirit of understanding what the fuck is going on besides the powers that be using alchemy to transmute centrist finger-wagging into a music festival, I find it incumbent upon myself to help you make sense of it all, should you plan to attend what is quickly shaping up to be the Most Important Event in the Age of Trump.

What the hell is OZY?

It’s possible you already know about OZY Media. Perhaps you work there. Maybe you read their website from time to time because you enjoy its bludgeoning yet anodyne design. OZY is an “international online magazine” launched in 2013 by former MSNBC anchor Carlos Watson. It purports to be “news for the insatiable.” Some of the contributors to their website that will probably not surprise you in the least include Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice! Insatiable!

Here’s a telling quote from OZY founding father Carlos Watson: “When I was a kid, I’d always open the refrigerator door 100 times because I kept hoping to see if anything new or different had appeared.” Well, anyway, that’s the guy who is throwing this festival.

In addition to not understanding how refrigerators work, Watson is just one in an absurdly long line of rich people who think it would be just rad if Condoleezza Rice ran for president. Why? I don’t know, maybe because she likes sports and thinks Trump is bad. You know what? A lot of people like sports. A lot of people think Trump is bad. Most of them didn’t start the Iraq War. Unfortunately for all the Condi Heads, the possible war criminal won’t be “performing” at OZY Fest this year. However, it seems almost certain that she’ll be headlining in 2019, joining a hypothetical lineup that I’ve already decided includes Paul Wolfowitz, Death Cab for Cutie, the cast of Game of Thrones, the Black Keys, Eric Garland, Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, Henry Kissinger (even if he’s dead), Wilco (twice), Guy Fieri, David Frum, Piers Morgan, Ice Cube, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Should I go?

Well, my first inclination is to say no. You should stay home and watch Star Trek on Netflix. However, in the interest of accelerating the decay and heightening the contradictions, then yes, of course you should go to OZY Fest. How many people got a chance to see Rome burn? How many people were allowed on that last helicopter out of Saigon? What must it have been like to be left off of Noah’s Ark? You have a duty to humanity, to progress, to yourself. Should you go to OZY Fest? Yes. Will it be stupid? Of course! But could it actually be a fun enough thing to do if you relax and stop wondering if we’re all just in some giant Panopticon? I mean, I’ve heard like six Passion Pit songs, and you know what? One of them was not bad. As for the biggest draw, it’s likely Hillary will almost certainly want to avoid old hits like “Super Predators” and “Hard-Working Americans, White Americans” in favor of her newer, lo-fi experimental stuff. The humbler, quiet stuff that sounds best while one is wearing a Patagonia fleece.

And when else will you have the opportunity to walk up to Dana Bash and say, “Dana Bash, why are you here?” And it’s never too late to make sure that Sanaa Lathan knows that Love and Basketball changed the course of your life. Go for it. It’s only $134 for a two-day pass.