We open the episode with Jimmy Kimmel waking up our bachelor Chris. Chris, startled from being awaken during his dream about which girls to take on a test drive in the fantasy suite, was barely able to open his eyes to see what was going on. So about as much as Jimmy Kimmel normally opens his eyes (he squints a lot.) Kimmel brings Chris over to the house in which he pretends he’s doing one of his monologues while making predictable jokes for the ladies. Jimmy introduces the “amazing” jar in which anyone that says “amazing” has to put a dollar in. With the vast vocabulary that many of the contestants feature this thing should be empty at the end of the week.

Jimmy leaves the first date and it’s a one on one for Kaitlyn. The date involves a trip to Costco to pick up items for the dinner party Chris and Kaitlyn have to throw Jimmy who is stopping by later. Yes. ABC planned a date at Costco. Times are tough for this once proud franchise. Maybe Costco will pay for all my shit if I drop a picture in here:

Pay up bitch

After the predetermined shopping spree the couple head back to wherever and start making food for this big dinner party of 3. Jimmy shows up midway and basically starts flirting with Kaitlyn more than Chris. Chris is boring as fuck. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Can you imagine this date without Kimmel? I’ll give you a preview. Lots of amazings. Things get sexual in a hurry from Jimmy’s questions and it’s not long before a 3 way is on the table.

I’m pretty sure only one of the three would decline this offer. And it’s not the one that told Chris he could plow her field.

Back at the house normal things are happening. Chatter about Chris, wondering what Kaitlyn’s date was like, working out with the gym equipment you brought. Wait, what? Jillian doesn’t get that ass we aren’t allowed to see by wondering what Chris is up to. She’s busy turning the bachelor mansion into a personal gym with the cables and who knows what else she brought. Here is a picture of her getting swoll in preparation of the show:

Rumor has it that Hanz and Franz are booked solid because some puny armed quarterback has a lot of free time now after he choked on a big one in Seattle last Sunday.

Time for the group date and it’s essentially the farm (special) olympics. Finding eggs laid by hens, catching pigs, milking goats. The girls have to drink the milk and one describes it as salty and warm. I’ll let you choose your favorite sexual innuendo here. Carly wins. It was boring.

Last date goes to Whitney. I really don’t know how to describe her voice other than after 5 seconds I want to rip out her vocal chords. My good friend Hannibal did something similar back in season 1 on his TV show (Very good show by the way). I’ll link it as it’s not for the squeamish

http://i.imgur.com/gwWnqOQ.jpg

That got dark pretty quick. Let’s get back to the date.

So Chris and Whitney are having a picnic when off over yonder there are folding chairs being set up. Someone is getting married. What a coincidence. They both decide they should crash the wedding and began planning this elaborate scheme to do just that. Here they are getting ready:

They also must have shot the sequel: Wedding (reception) Crashers, because they never actually went to the wedding. That is where you start creating the backstory. And it’s probably why Chris froze when someone asked him who he was at the reception. Didn’t this guy teach you anything?

Even Chaz knows you’re an idiot.

If there’s one thing I hope you did learn, it’s how to crash a funeral. Because you will have to attend the one of the girl that Ashley S. ends up killing on the show.

After the dates have been completed Jimmy Kimmel tells the girls there is no cocktail party, but a pool party instead. Some are inevitably upset while others are excited. Some of the highlights include:

Jade having Chris give her the tour of his little love shack where they make out. (By the way, Jade has posed for playboy and is very naked in the photos I’ve come across. Some simple Google searching will back me up on that)

Girls getting pissed at Jillian for not sharing Chris in the hot tub.

Mackenzie being weird and asking why Chris has kissed other women. I hope no one tells her what happens in the fantasy suite

Ashley I didn’t have enough time to do her “Kardashian look”. I bet the toughest part of being cut off from the real world is not having her cell phone to play the Kim K Hollywood game. She’s probably a D lister by now. That’s not too far off from how she’ll feel after the show so it works out

Ashley I also had a mini break down because she didn’t get to talk with Chris. Lost her confidence she said. She was either really ugly as a kid or was made fun of all the time because wearing that bikini should turn that whole confidence problem right around

Ashley I also made out with Chris on top of a balcony and I thought she was going to pull him off of it. She might be a little timid when they aren’t kissing but once that starts the paramedics need to be on standby. When she attacks and I don’t think Jillian could even pry her off

At the rose ceremony Chris continued his awkwardness by calling people by the wrong name. Harrison needs to be back next week and set this boy straight. There were 3 or 4 sent home this week. One of note was Amber. Amber is the black girl. Amber was sent home on MLK day. Don’t think the irony is lost on me, ABC. For all of those that had to pack your bags and say your good-byes:

See you next week

- Nick