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People getting stuck in holes, snipers for hat snatchers, a real-life PvP solution, racist artificial intelligence, yelling at an Apple Genius, dating advice for a seven fingered man, the 20 Million Dollar Mead man calls in, Dame Pesos’ news segment, the cat girl returns, and Clay Bangs a Trans Woman; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Georgia is known for its peaches, but soon no one will give a fuck about Georgia’s peaches and it will forever be known as the birthplace of the Asterios Kokkinos Garage Comedy Tour! The first stop on Asterios’ tour is happening on August 3rd, and immediately following on August 4th, Road Rage: Atlanta shall tear into town and leave only the pits of champions in our wake. I could eat a peach for hours.

Get your tickets to Road Rage Atlanta HERE! August 4th, The Masquerade. As I said on the show, it’s a smaller venue, so the chance of a sell-out is very real. No sympathy for the hesitaters!

Also, pick up the “Guns, Horns, and Oil” t-shirt that sold out at Road Rage: Dallas. It will only be up for a limited number of pre-orders, so get after it. I missed getting one in Dallas, so we’re doing it together. But first…

We’ll never find a cure for cancer, no matter how empowering it is to print “Fuck” on a T-shirt. Space? We’ll never travel it. It’s just too goddamn big! And with too much of the same homogeneous shit spread across it. Exploring space is like trying to fuck the Grand Canyon. Addiction, suicide, getting an abundance of food from one side of the planet to the other, piss driblets; when it comes to problems, we the human being are surprisingly inept at solving them. Even the contest between man and Amy Schumer is uncertain–that’s a deep “No Country For Old Men Cut” for you. However, there is one problem that the human being can reliably overcome. We put our minds to it, we come together from all walks of life and all corners of the globe. We put away our judgement for that moment and we solve it together. And that problem is, getting stuck in a hole.

Maybe getting someone out of a hole they got themselves stuck in was the first public works project. Hammurabi ran on a platform and held rallies promising to build a wall around the watering hole all the rapists and criminals and some, I assume, who are very good people, kept falling into. That was the first well, but it wasn’t enough.

There might be better exhibitions of the shamelessness and infinite regression of our dysfunctional attraction to randomness, the macabre, and celebrity, than a round the clock news coverage of being stuck in a hole, but I don’t think it matters. Elon Musk sends a team of engineers to the other side of the world to fix his problem of not enough news coverage. After all, holes are public works 101. Fuck the fly-over countries who also need engineers. It’s cynical and it does make me a rage, but there’s also a clue in it. If your problem is more difficult than getting stuck in a hole–if it’s more complicated, more nuanced, or can’t be explained in as visceral a way as “Us vs. Hole”, then it’s not going to get solved. It’s not even going to get attention. Because that’s the only problem we can solve.

Dame Pesos’ “Soyless Matt Show”. I watch it every day.



“Cuckless Whisper” by Chuck and Vee.



“Dick Finally Loses His Mind” by Kale the Jerk.



A thumbnail that has tasted victory by Andy Lee AKA CallOfTheDeep.

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