Welcome back my wonderful wonderful readers. Time for the second edition of “The Best of Smashboards” where I delve into the best threads that everyone’s favorite Smash forum has to offer. “But wait Griffin, I haven’t seen the read the 1st one yet!” Well you’re in luck, as you can find the link to the 1st, which earned praise in the form of comments such as- “Wow Mikehaggar was a dick lol” and, “Mango’s face makes me mad” right here- http://badmelee.com/2015/11/16/the-best-of-smashboards-1/

But anyways, enough about the past. Let’s focus instead on forum posts from half a decade ago.

#1- “Silent MaNgo Rap” originally posted on 11/21/07 Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/silent-mang0-rap-updated.127021/

I’ll let 2007 Mango set the scene

After Finding out me and otto SoulMate ness

Weve decided to make a rap

And plan 2 keep making them

One PEr week

So yea chick this out

This is by SilentWolf and MaNg0

Who are.. the greatest.. just because

I’m not gonna post the two raps here because I want you all to admire the color choice Mango uses for the original copies. So go take a peek at them. I will post my favorite line however-

“time 2 put this rap 2 sleep

hugs smells like feet”

This thread though is so great though. Typically I’d take this time to go on some tangent about how much the community has changed while staying the same or some pseudo-insightful shit like that but I’m not even gonna bother here. I just want us all to take this time to look at every bit of silliness this thread contains. So nothing but highlights here-

Hugs-

They shoulda never given you ****** keyboards.

*After the 2nd rap gets posted* Hugs-

Wow, that was worse than the time H2yL tried to rhyme “Bowser” with “Controller”. I’ll get you guys back.

Unfortunately the YouTube video of H2YL’s rap got taken down (Fuck you Jay-Z) however there is still the Soundcloud of it- https://soundcloud.com/user87251430/h2yl-good-clux

J.Shadows-

This goes out to Mango Want to abuse you, I’m out to confuse you

Suck your blood and leave you for dead

Hey I’m sarcastic, I’ll treat you like a spastic

Ignore every word that you say

Do whatever I please

When I’ve broken your heart, I’ll quickly depart

And in response to that work of art we have this

Eggz-

That was more like a really gay poem than a rap.

HomeMadeWaffles-

rap battles soCal vs norcal who would i wonder who would win straight outta norcal a crazy muthafvcka name waffles

i’ll fvck ya wife cuz the bitvh is a big hoe i fvck ya sista

ill fvck ya cat

i would fvck ya momma but the bltch is too fat when im in ya neighborbood u betta dig a moat

cuz comin slit ya mothafvckin throat

blood is drippin

im not slippin

bltches pannies is wut im rippin

Mike Haze-

silent wolf is funny.

Thanks Mike

#2- “The Best Samus Player in the Country” originally posted 9/12/11 Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/the-best-samus-player-in-the-country.310642/

This is an interesting take on the famous “Who is the best X main?” or “Who is top 5 right now?” threads by skipping the middleman and just immediately declaring who the best is. This 23 page post authored by Hungry “Plup’s Number 1 Fan” Box is fairly standard in some respects, I.E the standard Smashboards things that typically take place in response to an incendiary post (regionally biased statements, call-outs, Kage making an uninvited warrior role-play post, etc,) all show up, however what makes this thread great is that it’s a conglomeration of random occurrences interspersed within a stream of consciousness discussion the likes of which could only ever happen on Smashboards. In here you have Wes, the OG’st of the OG Samus’s, popping in to tease re-entering the scene (for like the 4th time, apparently) and declaring himself to be a better all-time Samus than Hugs, Hugs talking about wanting to retire, Mew2King making a post to complain about Ken for some reason, a guy insulting Kage, the appearance of a wild PC Chris, a discussion about the viability of the extender, a teams argument about the potential in a Samus/Puff team, and a debate over what the plural of Samus is, among other things.

Another thing I liked about it is just how many top players and figures were in the thread at one point or another. Hungrybox, Darrell, Blur, Plup, Juggleguy, Strongbad, PPMD, PC Chris, Hugs, Prog, Kage, Hax, MikeG, M2K, S2J, Cort, Axe, DoH, Cosmo, iHaveSpaceBalls, Kalamazhu, Sung, and Chillin are all in the thread at some point which is incredible to think about considering how large the disconnect between top players and the general fanbase is nowadays. For example, if you were to ask Reddit who the best Samus player is right now the best you could expect as far as top player responses would be NMW coming into the thread to make you feel stupid, whereas Hbox making a post saying basically “I think Plup is pretty good lol” gets a huge-ass dialogue between notable players and regular users on the matter. Makes me wonder if a restored Smashboards could serve as more of a bridge between pros and joes or if the size and nature of the scene has changed so much that the disconnect is inevitable. I lean towards the latter but maybe that’s just because I’m a cynic. Idk.

Anyhow, ya’ll probs didn’t come here for my ponderings, so here are some highlights-

M2k-

Ken was more like this:

-loses to me at mlg ny 3/5 set vs my fox and walks away without shaking my hand

-loses to me in crews at mlg finals then wins a rematch vs my fox

-(doesn’t attend FCD which i win)

-gets 3 stocked in oc3 crews

-gets ***** at oc3 singles (shook hand this time)

-wins evo world cuz mango sandbags the **** out of him after mango beat me, then ken doesn’t fight me

-proceeds to go online, saying he’s the best marth

-proceeds to decline money matches vs any of my characters when i challenge him to either my sheik, marth, falcon, or fox, saying there is no point and he already proved he’s the best

-proceeds to get ***** at super champ combo that i win, and then again refuses my money match saying he already retired, even though he entered and got 9th. I guess when you win a tourney you don’t fight your best opponent at is a great convenient time to say you are retired but enter events afterwords anyway and nothing else matters. In that case, I’m retired Brawl because I won genesis2.

I genuinely don’t know why he posted this.

Bossa Nova-

kage for god’s sake will u get ur Ganondorf-lookin *** down from that weeaboo shaped pedestal. the fact that u would even try to turn **** talk into an opportunity to be mr. miyagi is some disturbing *** ****…. you sound like a homeless n**** on mescaline giving speeches from the basement of an abandoned house while enjoying a seat in his own urine

ihavespaceblondes-

What a delightfully irrelevant topic.

Might as well debate the smartest penguin in Europe.

Dalegendarysamus AKA Wes-

Wow I’m gone for a while and this is what I see? Ok now why are you people already just calling plup the best so fast? he hasnt been to BIG TOURNAMENTS yet or played more notable players in the country, hugs did He is still the CURRENT BEST SAMUS. Now thats settled Hugs your are the present best samus I was the past best samus and I can call myself the best samus of all time, because I paved the way for all of you, and dont deny that I’m the Jordan of samus and your the Kobe of Samus. With that being said I shall return and take back what was my title in the past. The different between basketball is that age puts a toll on your performance luckily this isnt the case. All i would like to say is good job to all the Samus players that have been holding it down for all this long, thanks for holding the torch for me including you Hugs. It’s time to hand it back to it rightful owner.

KirbyKaze-

Plup makes Samus look so gay.

#3- “No Johns Monthly” AKA- That Time Hax Got Chokeslammed originally posted 1/30/2009 Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/apr-19-2014-no-johns-monthly-april-19th-project-m-nanuet-ny.188188/page-159

Eggm-

I just want to say I’m sorry to Hax, that was the first time I’ve ever got in a fight in real life. I was outta line no doubt. I hope we can continue to go to tournaments together and put it behind us. I don’t touch other people and expect to be treated the same way and I guess after months of annoying me with grabbing/pinching my bodyfat it struck my last nerve. Anyways again sorry hax. It was outta line won’t happen again. Not trying to make excuses just explaining the way I feel about it.

And so begins the funniest series of posts I’ve ever read on this site. To be honest, limiting it to just the funniest thing I’ve read on Smashboards is unfair, as it’s genuinely one of the funniest things I’ve read on the internet period. There’s just no comparison to the sheer ridiculousness of literally every single element of this incident.

For the unaware- at a NY tourney Eggm was having an argument with a TO over his seeding in the bracket when Hax decided it would be a good idea to pinch his “bodyfat” which was apparently something that he did on a fairly regular basis. Eggm decided the most proportional response would be to grab Hax and throw him. Reports on what kind of throw was used and how far Hax was sent differed from person to person, some saying it was a shove, others a Rock Bottom, but what was agreed upon was that he got fucked up. This thread is the aftermath of that incident.

Now before we get into it I’d like to say something-

Don’t be a dickhead and judge the people involved in this harshly. It was half a decade ago and I’m sure there was stuff every one of ya’ll did that would make you look dumb as fuck if it were posted about on a forum and then dug up 5 years later by some random-ass dude with nothing better to do than write about it on his blog. Stay cool friends.

Anyhow- Let’s now look at how bad Melee players are at settling things that can’t be settled in Smash.

Again, I’ll let the quotes do the talking-

White_Mike-

IDK it’s one thing to assault someone, but a minor.

I hope everything gets worked out…

I guess Aziz didn’t smell what Eggm was cooking…

Hax-

nah its all good i’m about to make that bread in the courtroom

^^ This is where the thread goes from good to great, as the mention of legal consequences prompts a response from law expert Budai578

I wasn’t there nor do I know exactly what happened, but if it’s true that Hax offensively grabbed/pinched you and it was unwanted, then he is guilty of battery (and possibly assault). Your retaliation would then be self-defense, though in this case it may not have been exactly proportional. Also, Hax’s continuous acts of annoyance against you could be considered harassment. With that being said, I don’t think this would go anywhere in court unless Hax wants to be slapped with fines (or whatever they can do to a minor) as well. Either that or he’s just blowing smoke (read: trolling) and has no intention of pursuing this any further.

The best part of this is how he’s unsure whether or not throwing a minor is proportional enough of a response to being pinched to warrant the minor being charged with battery. Truly a legal quagmire, Budai.

And then you have this

Zro-

iight yo…. now that i’ve been properly introduced, Budai you’re freaking retarded

Then you have Slox putting himself in the shoes of Hax

if i got rock bottom’d i’m pretty sure there’d be a good reason and i wouldn’t take legal action especially if they apologized.

And

Hax-

yeah but rock bottom’d = you land pretty much where you get picked up. i got tossed 10 feet. some people are saying i got slammed through a table and broke it (rofl). and then you’re saying i cried out of embarrassment which i hope you’re not telling people cause i would never ever cry out of embarrassment and anyone who does is a f*cking pu$$y. i was crying cause 1. other than me falling off my bike and scraping my face as a kid that was the worst pain of my life (i still feel it) and 2. that f*ggot drove away i was about to stab the **** out of him with my keys til the fat oozed out of him

None of my words can do justice to the insanity that is this post. So just read it once or twice more, marvel at it.

And then you have one last attempt by Eggm to make amends. He’s offered payments and apologies to little avail, so he tries a slightly different approach here-

Btw hax chain ace said to give u free venue and entry 2 my tournament to show I’m sorry. It’s a good idea hope u come Saturday. I’ll even personally cook u a beast cheesesteak for free too.

And here you have arguably the most Melee thing I have ever seen. After giving a concussion to Hax he tries to apologize by giving free entry to his tournament and offering to make “a beast cheesesteak”. FWIW I probably would have accepted the apology at this point. There’s a certain confidence in the way he offers the cheesesteak that leads me to believe it would make everything better. Eggm if you’re reading this please cook me a cheesesteak. I will pay you handsomely. I just refuse to believe you’d offer the cheesesteak as reparations if it wasn’t a bomb-ass cheesesteak, yanno?

Moving on.

Here’s a lovely exchange between Reno and Hax

Reno-

LOL hahahahahahhaah good **** eggmaster. Hahahahahahah I love this! Mad I missed it lol!

God that’s so funny. Hax doesn’t Bronx science teach you to keep your hands to yourself? I thought you were smart. Hahhahahahaha good **** again eggm Lol

Hax-

reno stfu u fat f*ggot what i did doesn’t equate to me getting thrown across a room. just stop with the school jokes cause brooklyn tech isn’t even ranked lol. you’re so stupid

I’ll just leave it there as it gets a little weary after this. I’d advise you all to go and look through it yourselves so you can see what I skimmed over, (stealth Scar post, Hax’s posts about his dad, Rock Bottom jokes, etc.) just be advised the relevant posts continue and get more ridiculous for several pages.

I wanna write more but at the same time I don’t, because this thread is one you need to go through on your own to get a feel for how remarkable it is. This thread is like having a 500 problem True/False test where you get guess incorrectly on every problem- it’s so awful it’s actually impressive.

…

That does it for the main posts, but we’re not done yet. I have one little treat as a celebration for reaching 100,000 views on here.

Remember the Scar&Toph Show episode featuring Mango where they talked about S2J’s alter egos on Smashboards? Here’s where it came from. Thanks to /u/DJWallet

http://smashboards.com/threads/scar-talks-lean-melee-2012yotf.197123/page-380#post-12137739

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