Dear Sir:

I was a bit late to the CLE today, so I probably missed your explanation that you were doing a social experiment on the instructor to see how much of a dick you could be before she kicked you out. By the time I arrived you were already nose deep in your newspaper. I didn’t really have a problem with that. You were quiet enough and you looked pretty cool. Everyone was able to see that you didn’t really NEED to be there. It was actually kind of cute how we all pretended not to be impressed by your nonchalant attitude.

I really enjoyed how you kept telling the instructor that she was wrong. I’m glad it didn’t bother you that she usually pointed out that you were mistaken. I think it made you even more ambitious. You stopped raising your hand and just started shouting out your comments. That’s confidence!

Better still was when you forced the instructor into a 15 minute conversation with you regarding the source of the data for a report that lead the legislature to pass a law that we were learning. You could have gone to the open hearing that they had on the issue when they discussed the report. You could have looked into it yourself. You could have asked her during the break. Thankfully you took the most honorable route. It really was better to distract everyone who was there to learn how to better represent their clients.

Even after all this, I still didn’t realize you were the smartest person in the room until you stopped the instructor mid sentence to let her know she had conjugated a verb wrong. She was only in her sixth hour of instruction, so I would have been as appalled as you were if she had actually misspoken. Of course, she had not made an error. You apparently haven’t mastered the subjunctive mood in your native tongue. That’s cute. My 12 year old niece has it down in three languages.

Your coup de grâce was my favorite: when the instructor accidentally read from the wrong handout as she explained a concept to the class. Your scoff and “are you serious” comment were hilarious! The mental acuity it took to muster up that comment so fast could only have been sharpened by years of “that’s-what-she-said” jokes. Your razor wit rendered me speechless. It was as if Sir Winston Churchill and Eleanor Roosevelt had a baby that took the form of words coming out of your mouth. It made me weep tears of artistic joy as if I were listening to the Cavalleria Rusticana Intermezzo while getting fellatio from the Mona Lisa.

I hope that when you got home you told your mother how great of a job you did.

Sincerely,

The guy who spit in your coffee during break.

P.S.

Enjoy the herpes. Virus brothers for life!