If you’re reading this, you were probably guilt-tripped into the pseudo-holiday/black hole that makes you buy your significant other a bunch of heart-shaped riffraff. Also, since you clicked this, you probably haven’t gotten anything for her yet, or, even worse, you feel like what you bought is terrible and are trying to make sure you didn’t entirely fuck it up.

1. “Super sexy” clothes or lingerie. There’s nothing wrong with getting your lady some racy things that you know she’d like. Sure, it’s not the most creative gift, but at least you both get something out of it–unless she slaps you across the face for buying a neon yellow piece of floss with matching pasties. Stop thinking with your penis, because she likely doesn’t want to look like she gets meth’d out and rubs her junk allover the pole down at the Eager Beaver.

2. Something YOU want, that she probably has little to no interest in. That’s never cool, dude. So either cut back on your Muscle Milk and Cheetos budget or get ready for the “is anything wrong?” “–I’m fine” debacle.

3. Cards, Stuffed animals, a heart shaped box of chocolates. Sure they’re nice, but this lack of sincerity and creativity can be a deal breaker to some women. You can essentially go to the gas station on the way to her house and pick up some of this garbage which will eventually end up in the trash. If you get her something cutesy, at least supplement it with something meaningful or have some sort of activity to compensate–and that activity should not be a hand job.

4. Chlamydia.

5. The Shake Weight. Joke gifts are fun with your friends, or even slipping one in the mix every Christmas, but unless you two are Mr. and Mrs. Jokey McJokersons then your girl might feel a bit slighted when she looks down and see that you got her a goddamn shake weight. If she doesn’t get the ridiculousness of it, she might feel self-conscious and start to feel like an overripe sausage.

6. Creepy sex toys. Nothing says love like a Cthulhu shaped dildo!

7. Dinner with Your Mom! How sweet, look how nurturing and inclusive you are. If you’re even considering this, you need to be weened off the teet immediately.

8. A Dyson Ball. Sure, it’s expensive and she probably wants one, like everyone else, but you’re buying your girlfriend a goddamn cleaning machine. Nothing says reinforcing gender rolls like getting your special someone a thing that sucks up your crusty ball hair. You’re totally not getting in the backdoor with this bullshit.

Now, fellas, here are some DOs:

If you’re gonna get her lingerie, make it special, like Agent Provocateur (in this instance, make sure you won’t bankrupt yourself first though, chump).

Jewlery wise, don’t you even think about going to Jared, don’t buy into that commercial bullshit, go with a Diamond Queensland cluster ring or something elegant and unique: