My favorite summary of this story ever: “what you’d get if Mark Twain had written smut.” I couldn’t be prouder.

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Excerpt:

…Her strawberry blonde braids tickled his chest as she hauled him onto the bed with her, flipped him onto his back, and hopped on top of him. Just as had done the other two women, she took in a sharp breath when faced with the incredible, Herculean business of tackling the mountain of his girth. The maid, however, took the endeavor to new heights, expertly scaling that edifice and, upon reaching its summit, howling like a banshee without preamble or warning given…

The maid felt no compunction whatsoever to play the submissive role, choosing instead to take full charge of mounting the offensive against the tower fortress of the Cobbler’s manhood. Despite the thorough use to which that manhood had been put over the past hour, he soon felt the gates of his citadel nearing their breaking point once again.

He provided ample warning of his impending defeat, but the woman pressed her advantage, pounding his soldier until it could stand no more. Withdrawing his flag from that highest of keeps, the maid pulled away and covered his flagpole with the polishing cloth — her sign of total victory.

She leaned back, cracking her knuckles. “Well, that was good. You’re all right down there, Master Cobbler.” She grinned at him, sliding towards his face. “But there’s one more thing I need from you.” Grabbing a fistful of his hair, she said, “Beggin’ your pardon,” and thrust his head like a lantern into the depths of her forbidden cavern…

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Book Blurb:

In the middle of the Sixteenth Century there lived a young man who dreamed of becoming the city of Antwerp’s greatest cobbler. This story, long considered too bizarre and sexually charged to be true, has been granted new life through historic inquiry. Original manuscripts painstakingly copied and edited for clarity, we can now demonstrate with certainty that the Cobbler of Antwerp was the most prolific business man in all of Renaissance Europe. But, as it happened, his claim to fame had almost nothing to do with shoes and everything to do with his endowment of a certain… significant natural advantage. Because of this, his romantic exploits rival those of the greatest lovers of recorded history. In fact, he leaves them all in the dust.

So, what about the man behind the legend? In this digitized edition of a classic tale, discover the truth behind one of the most incredible, scandalous, and lascivious urban legends of all time. Thanks to the power of modern technology, the definitive account of the deeds of the Cobbler of Antwerp — rife with blasphemy, inventiveness, and, of course, copulations galore — is now made available to a much wider audience of inquisitive adults.