You're an assistant district attorney who got drunk and berated your Uber ride home to the point that he became concerned enough to call the police.

You cussed him out, called him names and indicated that because you work in the DA's office, he's about to be in big trouble.

The whole thing's on tape because the driver had the good sense to realize the mess in the backseat was getting uglier by the moment.

Once you sober up, here's what you don't do: Hold a news conference that's supposedly an apology but quickly turns into a tear-soaked pity party punctuated by half-baked insinuations about your driver.

A guy whose worst offense seems to have been a failure to get you home as fast as you wanted.

This nonsense started as Uber-employed Shaun Platt was driving assistant district attorney Jody Warner home late Friday from an Old East Dallas bar. The most charitable explanation of Warner's behavior is that she didn't agree with the route Platt was taking and became increasingly upset.

At some point, he called 911 and began recording the incident, which includes these jewels from Warner:

"Oh my God, you're going to regret this so much,"

"You're a [expletive] idiot. We'll wait for the cops then if that's what you think is appropriate."

"Oh my God, you're an idiot. You are a legitimate retard. I want to go home so badly but you're so stupid I want the cops to come so that they can [expletive] you up, that's what I want."

"Dude, everything's being reported. I'm an assistant district attorney so shut the [expletive] up."

Warner's tirade was worse than a "don't-you-know-who-I-am" moment. She is — or was — part of the justice system and threatened Platt with the blunt object of her office.

From everything we know, she deserved the firing District Attorney Faith Johnson doled out Monday. Sworn affidavits released Wednesday reinforced Johnson's decision.

None of this stopped Warner from holding a news conference Tuesday to try to recast the narrative. The whole thing sounded suspiciously as if she was trying to get sympathy for her boorish and intimidating behavior by leaning on today's heightened sensitivities about sexual harassment and violence.

We're not unaware that Uber is one of many operations facing scrutiny due to sexual harassment and assault reports. But Warner's story actually hurts the cause for women who are preyed on.

Adding to the bad optics of this mind-bending news conference was Elizabeth Frizell, who resigned as a judge this year to run for the seat Warner's former boss holds. Frizell claimed to be there not to take some well-placed shots at the sitting DA, but because she has firsthand knowledge that Warner is an excellent prosecutor.

Mark us as unconvinced about Frizell's motivations.

We aren't here to argue about what kind of prosecutor Warner was. And she's within her rights to question how quickly she lost her job.

But Warner did herself no favors Tuesday. Every time she insisted she was "not trying to make myself a victim," she became a little less believable.

She and her supporters would be far better-served to offer some evidence that her Uber driver did anything wrong. Otherwise, here's our next best advice: Quit talking.

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