As the Democratic presidential primaries heat up and the party hopes to defeat President Trump in 2020, fierce debate has raged about whether it should stake out more left-wing political positions or remain moderate. The Onion breaks down what’s at stake in the debate over the Democratic Party’s future.


Moving Left: Replace with Medicare for all

Remaining Moderate: It’s unrealistic to believe we can fight death

Foreign Policy:

Moving Left: Respect other nations’ right to self-determination

Remaining Moderate: 10% less than whatever Dick Cheney would do

Donor Rewards:

Moving Left: “I Donated” bumper sticker

Remaining Moderate: Ambassadorship to Andorra

Favorite Van Halen Album:

Moving Left: Diver Down

Remaining Moderate: 1984

Climate Change:

Moving Left: The free market shows no signs of solving this problem

Remaining Moderate: Yeah, but it still might

Moving Left: Reform-based

Remaining Moderate: Résumé-based

Trade War With China:

Moving Left: When the brazen, uncontrollable Trump administration tosses bricks into the windows of international business, it can’t expect tangible results


Remaining Moderate: We should be doing this to Russia instead

Moving Left: Rich individuals pay more

Remaining Moderate: I am rich

Moving Left: Pro

Remaining Moderate: Pro

Chance Of Beating Trump:

Moving Left: Does everyone think he’s just going to leave if a Democrat wins?

Remaining Moderate: Seriously, these people really think he’s just going to say, “Oh, okay, time to leave,” and just waltz out of there? Get real.