Before her show tonight at Disney’s House of Blues, Trixie Mattel—in an exclusive interview from a secret bath house in Orlando—reveals what’s the best TV show that she’s been on, and it’s not what you think

Fort Lauderdale was the first stop of your Moving Parts tour. Did you have time to do anything fun when you were there? I went to a souvenir shop, and I got a shirt with upside down lettering that says, “If you can read this, put me back on my bar stool.” What’s something that you miss about Milwaukee? Three-dollar Long Island’s and hardcore mid-western accents. Everyone sounds equally nice and over it. Where do you live now? I’m a real-life jaded TV personality, so I live in L.A., near a Whole Foods. My hobbies include spotting pretend service dogs and juicing. If you had to live somewhere else, where would you live, and why? In San Francisco. I’m always looking for new ways to get gayer and surround myself with gays. Separate but equal is fine with me. What was the inspiration for the cover of One Stone? I wanted to serve awkward-recently-divorced-folk-duo performing at a VFW.

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What do you think about Dollywood? It’s my mecca. I have to go once a year or I lose my dental insurance. Who would your dream duet be with? I would like to play with Sarah Silverman. Which one of your old jobs least prepared you for what you do now? I used to caption telephone calls for the deaf. I am now more impatient with the elderly than ever. Who came up with the line “Book the Bitch” from the “About” section of your website? I never update my website, so you’d have to ask me four years ago. And me four years go didn’t have a phone. Of all your projects, which one do you cherish the most? I love The Trixie and Katya Show. Winning Drag Race was cool, but having our own show was a huge freeze-frame life moment. What’s the weirdest question that a fan has asked? People always tell me my journey with depression has inspired them—but I am fully not depressed.

What celebrity did you act like a “fan” around? Oh, I met Baby Spice, and my asshole sealed up forever. What’s the last thing that you looked at online? I have been following the Robbie Turner-Uber-driver-death-saga online. I will be holding a candlelit vigil this evening for the Uber driver. What’s the best place that you’ve visited so far? I am obsessed with Dallas. Fully obsessed. It’s like the L.A. of Texas. What’s your current state-of-mind? I’m sipping a wine cooler and wondering why Melissa Joan Hart follows me on Twitter. What were you doing before you read these questions? My friend’s dog died, and I was comforting him—wow, the nerve of you even asking! What’s your idea of perfect happiness? I want to tour half the year, and live as a hermit in the woods the other half. I also want to write music for other artists. Specifically, for Miley Cyrus.

What’s your greatest fear? My phone battery at 1%. Living or dead, who’s the greatest political figure in America? Maxine Waters. I once saw her use the word “scumbags” in an interview. What did you learn from your parents? That you can only run from your bills for so long. What performer do you admire, and why? I love June Carter Cash. Her songs are amazing, and so is her sense of humor. Who’s your favorite comic? I have a few. Ellen, Maria Bamford, Dana Gould and Anthony Jeselnik. What’s your best characteristic? I’m a great salesperson. I could sell candy to a kid—from a van. How do you enjoy spending your time? I love playing video games and playing around with my guitar collection. What celebrity do you have a crush on? I’m obsessed with Nev Schulman, Paul Rudd and Jesse Eisenburg. The Jew-chasing life chose me.

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Who do you admire, and why? I love Dolly. She has the best songs, the best jokes, and the best wigs. If you could bring one person back from the dead, who would it be? Robbie Turner’s Uber driver. Where would you go in a time machine, and why? I would go back in time and warn Robbie Turner’s Uber driver. What would your last meal be? I would cheat on my vegetarianism and have like ten cheeseburgers from McDonalds, complete with happy meal toys! What do you worry about? I worry about falling out of the zeitgeist and having to clean dwarf hamster cages at Petco. They bite when they don’t trust you. What are you afraid of? I do not fuck with gorillas. I won’t even go to Rainforest Cafe. If you were a musical instrument, what would you be, and why? I would be spoons, because they’re cheap, practical and timeless.

Are you more like a sheep or a wolf? I’m a disgusting, mangled wolf from hell. Who depends on you, and for what? The children of America count on me for relatable content and apparently depression counseling (laughs). Who are you closest with? I am forever in love with Jinkx and Bob The Drag Queen! What would your autobiography be called? I Know Why The Caged Bird Lip Syncs. What music do you listen to when you’re upset? I love sad music. Jason Isbell! What’s on your bucket list? I need to buy a house in a Palm Springs and wear caftans all day. What’s your greatest regret in life? I wish that I didn’t leave the Spice Girls. What’s something that you never told anyone else? That I go out to gay bars in masks so that I can be invisible. Where can we see you? In a 39 U.S. cities tour all spring and summer!