With its monopolistic brew falling flat, the foreign-owned Beer Store is rebranding — belatedly.

Don’t buy it.

Stung by negative publicity, spooked by political static, the big brewers behind Ontario’s retail quasi-monopoly have ditched their old playbook in favour of a classic Hail Mary pass: They are inviting craft brewers to team up for a more localized ownership structure now controlled by multinational corporations from abroad.

Too little, too lame, too late.

As more Ontarians realize that The Beer Store isn’t what they thought it was — not a creaky government-owned monopoly, but a globalized cartel — the big brewers are increasingly desperate to salvage their sweetheart deal in a captive market unlike any other. The sudden damage control is motivated by fears of consumer rebellion and a looming government clampdown.

This week, big beer took a small step to woo craft brewers by offering a deathbed reconciliation: If you can’t beat them, ask them to join you.

The Beer Store’s latest proposal invites craft brewers to buy special shares supposedly giving them a voice on the board of directors. But the big brewers would keep 12 of 15 seats, suggesting business — and customer service — as usual. Acknowledging that “past financial arrangements and fee structures were complex,” it promises to “become more transparent” — details to come.

So far, craft brewers aren’t falling for it. Neither should beer drinkers, nor any Ontarians unsettled by the flow of windfall profits to foreign multinationals.

It’s a public relations feint to co-opt craft brewers into providing political cover, masking the foul odour emanating from a stale ownership structure. Flying Monkeys Craft Brewery described the gambit as “smoke and mirrors.”

The obvious alternative is to open retail sales to all private enterprises, not just a privileged cartel, so as to improve the customer experience for everyone. That’s a scenario The Beer Store wants to avoid at all costs.

With their sudden embrace of craft brewers, the big brewers are trying to pre-empt the government’s recently stated intention to impose a “franchise fee” on their quasi-monopoly. Historically, private competition has been restricted and even the LCBO constrained (under a secret 2000 deal revealed by the Star last month, the LCBO cannot sell discounted beer in higher volumes such as 12-packs or two-fours).

For all the talk that deregulation might result in higher or lower prices (much of the money is soaked up by provincial taxes anyway), the debate goes beyond price points. No one likes getting hosed.

Ontarians deserve value for money and customer convenience. Not just affordability but accessibility.

The Beer Store is a deeply flawed anachronism — no matter how much money it spends on full-page ads, how many scare stories it peddles in TV commercials on underage drinking, or how often it recalibrates those unpersuasive press lines. In an opaque system, optics aren’t enough.

The Beer Store is controlled by Labatt Brewing Company Ltd., a subsidiary of AB InBev of Belgium; Molson Coors Canada, controlled by Molson Coors Brewing Co. (incorporated in Delaware and headquartered in Colorado, with corporate offices in Montreal); and Japanese-owned Sleeman.

More than a year ago, when the craft brewers were pleading for relief, the big brewers wouldn’t listen, according to Peter Chiodo of Flying Monkeys: “I know from meetings I have personally attended with the government . . . The Beer Store doesn’t want to give up anything.”

Government sources confirm that The Beer Store wouldn’t play ball back then, sticking to its old playbook. Now, amid greater public scrutiny and impatience, the Liberal government seems unlikely to swallow the last-minute head of foam from big beer.

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With their quasi-monopoly quaking, the foreign multinationals have come up a year late and tens of millions of dollars short. Queen’s Park is poised to decide on The Beer Store’s future — whether a franchise fee or more ambitious reforms — later this month, ahead of a spring budget announcement.

The government shouldn’t buy what The Beer Store is selling. It’s already stale-dated.