Anish Kapoor has complained the slide added to his Orbit sculpture was foisted on him by Boris Johnson. But we think the London mayor has the right idea

Anish Kapoor says addition to artwork was 'foisted' on him by Boris Johnson Read more

Few things are unimproved by the addition of a slide. Stairs at home. Improved with a slide! Big rooms in modern art galleries? Improved with a slide! Terminal 3 at Singapore airport? Improved with a slide! Anish Kapoor’s £23m steel-company-sponsored Orbit in the Olympic Park that has been losing taxpayers £10,000 a week? Improved with a slide! Wait … or is it? Kapoor has been complaining that the 178m tunnel slide created by Carsten Höller (of Tate Modern Turbine Hall slide-fame) was foisted upon his artwork by London mayor Boris Johnson in an attempt to raise revenue (which should do the trick given that sliding down the Orbit will cost an acrophobic £17; that’s £12 to get to the top, £5 to slide down).

“It may be theoretically losing money,” said Kapoor with a pleasingly artistic reading of the balance sheet, “but the fact that it has over 200,000 visitors, I think that’s a considerable gain.” Tell you what’s more of a gain, pal, a 178m slide. With that in mind, we asked the Guardian’s crack in-house team of slide engineers to revamp other British landmarks with the aim of maximising revenues to a Boris-pleasing degree. Wheeeeeeeeee!!

The Angel of the North

Facebook Twitter Pinterest The Angel of the North Composite: Getty/Alamy/Ian Tennison/GNM Imaging

When Antony Gormley’s giant geordie was unveiled in 1998, a common criticism, and one that particularly bothered Gormo was the suggestion that it looked a bit fascist. Well, Mussolini may have made the trains run on time, but how many giant plastic slides did he build down the Spanish Steps? Zero. No wonder he lost the war.

Lincoln cathedral

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Lincoln cathedral Composite: Getty/Alamy/Ian Tennison/GNM Imaging

It’s a decent church all right. Not a bad church at all. And sure, when it was the tallest building on the planet for 250 years it was impressive. But imagine how much more impressive it would have been if Norman builders had had access to mouldable polyethylene. Take note, revenue-maximising officials, that this slide sends riders straight back inside to the gift shop.

Stonehenge

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Stonehenge Composite: Getty/Alamy/Ian Tennison/GNM Imaging

How much fun are a load of old stones anyway? Exactly. If only the mayor of Amesbury had the commercial nous of London’s fun-happy CEO. Purists and hippies may disapprove, but give them a few complimentary rides on the water flumes and they’ll come around quicker than you can say “recurring tailbacks on the A303”.



Tower Bridge

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Tower Bridge Composite: Getty/Alamy/Ian Tennison/GNM Imaging

Tower Bridge may be a beautiful, Grade I-listed, city-defining masterpiece of 19th-century bascule-bridge engineering, but does it have a slide? No. Sorted.