Dear readers,

Welcome back to our walk through the last decade of Not Always Right! We had some fun with 2017 yesterday, today we tackle 2018, the year that Facebook sold your data to Cambridge Analytica, there was yet another royal wedding, and 12 boys and their soccer coach spent a long time in a cave.

It was also the year we published the following highest-voted stories of the year. Enjoy!

10. A Reversal Of Fortune

Key Shop | USA

(I’m a female on-call locksmith. It is 3:00 am, in -16-degree weather. I go to the car that the person has been locked out of. I make them sign the paperwork, and I pop the lock in under five minutes.)

Customer: “Wait! Why should I pay $150 for something that only took you two seconds?!”

Me: “Because you couldn’t do it yourself.”

Customer: “You b****! I’m not paying this! I’m going to dispute the charges!”

Me: “Well, in that case…”

(I take the keys and throw them back into the car, lock the door, and slam it shut.)

Me: “Have a good night.”

Customer: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “You just said you were going to reverse the charges, so I’m reversing the job.”

(I got chewed out so hard for that, but it was worth it.)

9. The Adventures Of Captain Camp And Mother Russia

Retail | UK

(I work for a high-end women’s clothes shop. The anti-theft devices have been playing up, but the head office doesn’t feel it’s an issue as customers haven’t complained about it to them. We have to thoroughly check everyone who sets it off. A woman is walking out with her male friend and the device goes off. I head over for the fifth time today. I greet them both, and we determine it is the woman the anti-theft thing does not like. She has a non-UK accent, but I can’t place it. With her permission, I check through her belongings, but I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Okay, you seem good. I’m just going to put your coat and bag separately through the door, just to check. Then, could you step through, please?”

(I wave both items through and no noise. The woman jokingly takes her shoes off to check, then walks through. Still nothing. The woman is putting her things back on.)

Me: “I am really sorry about this. It’s been misbehaving for a few months now.”

Woman: “It’s fine, sweetheart. These things happen. See you later.”

Me: “Have a good day.”

(The woman goes to join her male friend outside. The alarm goes off. We all look at it.)

Man: “You know what this is, right?”

Woman: “What?”

Man: “Divine intervention. I told you your outfit was whack, and now the door is like, ‘Guuuuuurl, them shoes with that coat?’” *finger snap* “’No, honey.’”

(The woman laughs. I call over to my manager who’s nearby.)

Me: “[Manager], the doors are sassing customers.”

Manager: *holding contact card* “Please could you submit your complaint to [email]?”

Woman: “Oh, we don’t have any complaints; this was funny.”

Manager: *slightly pleading tone* “Please?”

Me: “It must have been a harrowing experience.”

Manager: “Unable to shop without the alarm sounding.”

Man: *catching on* “Being treated like a common thief.”

Manager: “Exactly.”

Man: “Being judged for terrible fashion choices.”

Me: “Yes. You don’t deserve that.”

Manager & Me: “You’re paying customers.”

Manager: “So, please, tell the head office how you felt singled out.”

Man: “Victimised by the doors.”

Woman: *confused* “What is going on?”

Man: “The alarm thing is broken and has been annoying as f***, as a result. Head office ain’t gonna do jack unless customers complain about them.”

Me: “The number is free phone!”

Woman: *laughing* “I’ll complain for you.”

Man: “Same. I’ll also share it with a few friends.”

Me: “Thank you so much.”

Manager: “We are sorry to ask it, and for your random spot check.”

Woman: *now with thick Russian accent* “I ham up accent on phone.” *points to the man* “He will ham up the gay. Use trigger word!”

Man: *very camp voice* “It’s discrimination, darling!”

Woman: “Captain Camp and The Russian Lady will aid you!”

(They leave. A couple of weeks later our anti-theft devices are replaced. Whilst they’re doing the job:)

Manager: *under her breath* “Thank you, Captain Camp and The Russian Lady.”

(When the customers came back, they got the highest discount my manager could give!)

8. Survival Of The Fittest In Action

Doctor’s Office | USA

Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!’”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

7. Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

Hospital, USA

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

6. Hopefully, He Doesn’t Look As Stupid As He Sounds

Retail | USA

Me: “Hi, how can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell pallets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t.”

Customer: “… but there’s a whole bunch behind your store just sitting there.”

Me: “Yes, but we reuse those. We don’t sell them.”

Customer: “Well, is it illegal if I steal one of them?”

Me: “Repeat what you just said to yourself.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Oh.”

5. Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

Medical Office | USA

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

4. Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

Pharmacy | USA

Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

3. Driving While Supplemented

Police | UK

(While interviewing a man I have just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Man: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Man: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Man: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Man: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”

2. Minimally Criminal

Government | USA

Me: “Good afternoon, civil department.”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today.”

Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

Caller: “Definitely civil. Not criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

Caller: “The name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure its not a criminal case?”

Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b****!”

Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

Me: *transfers the call to criminal*

1. Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

Hospital | USA

(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

Previous ‘Best Of The Decade’ roundups can be found here!

2017

2016

2015

2014

2013

2012

2011

2010

Check back later in the month for all the ‘Best of 2019’ roundups!