Martha Stewart’s Guide to a Perfect Impeachment Party

It’s a good thing.

Flower buying guideline: Aim for even more than Sarah Huckabee Sander’s Easter dress from Dress Barn.

As the removal of Donald J. Trump from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue inevitably draws closer, we must be prudent in planning our themed Impeachment Parties. Unless you want your gala to be as classless as Ted Nugent on a meth-fueled tour of the White House, I suggest you follow my expert guidance.

If this is your inaugural impeachment soiree, together we shall tackle this lengthy to-do list faster than you can say “treason is the reason for the season.” From the invitations, to menu items and decor, our Impeachment Parties will be as meticulously plotted as a hack into the DNC.

Why risk breaking a vintage champagne flute? Here’s to impeachment!

The Invitation List

For my personal impeachment party, I’ll host all my most fabulous and progressive bubble-dwelling New York friends. Our combined net worth will approach that of a small European nation. Your far less exclusive invitation list might include your few relatives still on speaking terms, Facebook friends who’ve provided consistent “likes” on your political posts, and any alt-right acquaintances who deserve to see you bask in your progressive superiority.

The mature approach to building bridges.

The invitations should be tasteful and thematic. If you’re unsure what verbiage to include on the invites, I used the following: “Dearest Liberal Elite: You are cordially invited to celebrate the impeachment and subsequent restoration of democracy…Black tie optional, the vintage Dom Perignon champagne toast will occur promptly at 7 o’clock. Respondez s’il vous plait.”

The Menu

A themed impeachment party should include a menu which adequately reflects the ousted evildoers without sacrificing flavor. I’ll be serving dishes based on my chosen theme of “Racist Russian Recreants.”

I’ll offer a sampling of hors d’oeuvres at the welcome reception. We’ll begin with a classic shrimp cocktail to pay homage to the spineless prawn himself, Paul Ryan. A second tray will consist of chopped spinach pastry puffs, which remarkably resemble Steve Bannon’s ghoulish face. We’ll conclude the opening hour with gingered almonds, as their orange hue and general nuttiness are reminiscent of our national horror.

My bar will feature a delectable mix of eastern European themed cocktails including White Russians, Moscow Mules, and double shots of Belvedere. Remind your guests, a monumental hangover tomorrow morning is surely preferable to nuclear war.

How you know your party was a success!

Prior to serving the main course, guests should be seated at the table according to political affiliation. Keep it simple: liberals on the left, Russian sympathizers to the right. Bernie Sanders supporters will sit at a separate children’s table where they will share all foods in equal proportions whether they like it or not. Jill Stein voters will be served dog bowls of shredded recount money.

My main course is a culturally relevant entree. I’ll be serving a German schnitzel as a dual apology and ‘thank you’ to Angela Merkel for leading the free world as the United States fought each other like a drunken married couple outside an Applebee’s.

For dessert we’ll devour my famous Im-peach Cobbler, Lady Fingers with Orange Cream Cheese Frosting, and Snoop will provide the marijuana.

Here’s to impeachment and quality weed.

Decor

An Impeachment Party is a celebration so pastels and white are appropriate colors. I also encourage post-dinner entertainment in the form of live music, dancing, and sacrifices to our Savior Rachel Maddow. The evening will conclude will a dramatic reading of Anthony Scaramucci’s infamous New Yorker interview performed by Barbra Streisand.

Total preparation time will range between 36–48 hours, which is also the amount of time Donald Trump has spent staring at Ivanka’s breasts this year. Put your own spin on this affair like Sean Hannity’s swirling tornado of propaganda. The Impeachment Party will be a time to gather with loved ones in your echo-chamber of liberal glory. Cheers, friends.