As we approach the end of the first half of the season, we enter a time of reflection—and we have quite an eventful season to reflect upon as Milan fans. We look back on the highs such as when Marco “Fraudpaolo” Giampaolo was sacked, and the lows such as Marco “Fraudpaolo” Giampaolo. But most importantly, we look back on the very low moments aka everything else. With Stefano Pioli now at the helm after Giampaolo’s abysmal start and so much instability, it can be difficult to judge the team as a whole. Rather, we can focus on the players themselves.

First we begin with the goalkeepers:

Antonio Donnarumma aka “Big Don”. What more can we say. He is a legend on and off the pitch. Especially off the pitch. Allowing him to step foot on the pitch would be a cheat code. Absolute class lad who provides moral support for his mini-me. Legend.

Jose Manuel “Pepe” Reina. I prefer Pepe the frog. Bald has-been rarely touches the pitch and when he does he has shown why some lanky neckbeard teen benched him since joining. Bald.

Gianluigi Donnarumma. One of our few “decent” players and he’s still meh. Sure, he makes the occasional “world class” save but what the kid has in armspan he lacks in brain cells. I can’t even count the number of positioning errors he’s made so far this season. Shave.

Now on to the defenders:

Davide Calabria. Rising star of last season but went on vacation and should have never come back. Just when our only other right back decided to be shit, Davide had to go and get two red cards in the span of just a few games, leaving us with none other than Sticks McGee over here, Conti. Upon his return he cemented a place on the bench with nothing but pitifulness. Banned.

Andrea “Sticks McGee” Conti. Dude’s made of glass. Overhyped transfer from Atalanta can’t defend if his life depended on it and breaks at the slightest whisper of wind. Broken.

Mattia Caldara. Only a matter of time before his knees decide he’s better off serving gelato to American study abroad students. Maybe he’ll make an appearance by the time he retires. Who.

Mateo Musacchio. If he were your homework assignment, then you just failed class. More errors than writing in Mandarin for a paper in French class. Our biggest liability on defense yet he still plays almost every game. Oops.

Leo Duarte. Brazilian Musacchio. 2.0.

Theo Hernandez. Plays like the other team is a bunch of midget strippers from his birthday party. One of our few bright spots this season and top scorer as a left back. Goals.

Ricardo Rodriguez. Benched and rightly so. Ricrod is always “injured” yet seems perfectly fine for national duty. If you ask me he’s got an injured ego after being replaced by a player who outperforms him in the one thing he’s supposed to know how to do. Disappointing.

Matteo Gabbia. Primavera graduate getting to eat at the big boy table. Decent in preseason then disappeared aka a defensive Mauri. Graduated.

Alessio Romagnoli. Captain of the team, some say he’s one of the best center backs in Italy. And by “some” I mean blind people. Romagnoli is as overrated as visiting the Hollywood Sign in Los Angeles. Not hard to look decent when you play next to Musacchio. Romagnoli is slow and too quiet to be a captain. How can you lead a team when you’re that shy? Needs to become more of a leader and will hopefully pass the arm band to Zlatan if he comes in January. Crucify me for saying this all you want, Romagnoli is not the “star defender” everyone says he is. Overrated.

Diego Laxalt. Technically still our player and just out on loan. Glad he’s gone. Predator.

Next we have the midfield:

Ismael Bennacer. Player of the tournament at AFCON. Who would have thought a player from a relegated team would be a key signing. This short pornstache man is great on the ball and less great off it. Gets more yellows than we have points. Small.

Lucas Biglia. Go home. He’s past it. Old and slow, Biglia can’t make a good pass if you gave him 50 tries. Always giving the ball away in poor positions and failing to win it back. If you watch him during a match, you’ll notice he never moves into open space to provide an outlet for his teammates. Hopefully you’ll never get the chance to watch him again. Leave.

Giacamo “Jack-a-mo” Bonaventura. Jack is back. After a year gone through injury, the man has returned with a stunner in his first start. If we could play with 11 of the same player, I’d pick Jack. Daddy.

Hakan Calhanoglu. Free kick and long shot genius. Never fails to put a shot on target from distance. These are things that would get you arrested in court for perjury if you said them out loud. If you ever want to kill an attack give him the ball and it’s an automatic goal kick for the other team. Sometimes even a throw-in. That being said, he is one of our few players who doesn’t suck this season which says something about the other players. Cannon.

Franck “The Tanck” Kessie. Gets a lot of undeserved criticism. Runs forever. Could work on his decision making under pressure. Somehow always ends up with the ball inches from goal and never fails to put it wide. Consistent.

Rade Krunic. Part of the dynamic duo from relegated Empoli. Joined as a bench player and graduated to starter after being less dumb than Kessie. Invisible at times. Brains.

Lucas “Kaka Regen” Paqueta. Not even close to Kaka in playstyle or ability but he’s Brazilian and all Brazilians are the same. Tries to be too fancy and dives too much. Hotheaded and underwhelming signing. Too Brazilian for Milan this season but we don’t have much better. Brazil.

Finally we have the forwards:

Fabio “Borinho” Borini. Utility man that fits anywhere except actually on the pitch this season. Fan favorite but maybe because he hasn’t played. Adaptable.

Samuel “Samu” Castillejo. Makes Conti look like The Rock. Samu is skinnier than an anorexic skeleton made from spaghetti and just as brittle too. It’s been too windy this season for him to step foot on the pitch. Maybe we’ll see him if we can find some paperweights to put in his shoes. Feather.

Rafael “Portuguese Mbappe” Leao. Doesn’t play often enough and still just a kid. Overrated but does have his bright moments. Creative and direct on the ball but only a matter of time before we break him. Tricky.

Ante Rebic. Biggest failure of the season. Can’t seem to do anything right in the minutes he’s had and already touted as a failed transfer. This has gotten to his head and his confidence has dipped. Looks cautious on the ball. Scared.

Jesús Joaquín Fernández Sáenz de la Torre aka “Suso” aka “Suslow”. One trick pony. Attempts to be a Spanish Robben and instead plays like one of those annoying wannabe Ronaldo’s in Sunday league. Slows down every attack with his short legs and doesn’t know anything other than cutting inside to cross/shoot. Occasionally doesn’t cut inside *gasp* but then kicks it straight into their defenders. Cut.

Krzysztof “Piontek” Piatek. Imagine going from Lewandowski 2.0 to that guy who shows up to pick-up once a month in the span of one summer. Now imagine that but with finger guns. Congratulations! You have Piatek! The Polish striker can’t seem to score even the simplest of chances. To make up for this, he does absolutely nothing off the ball and fouls/dives at any chance he gets. Difference maker through his presence on the field by destroying any chance of scoring. Pum.

There you have it. It’s not much but it’s really not much. Welcome to Serie A’s most underperforming “big” team. Only way to save this team from the banter era is to buy Juventus and change their name/colors. Hope we get an exciting relegation battle this spring.

Sincerely,

Andy. Guy Who Won the Scudetto in FIFA 13 on World Class Difficulty. Expert.