by: Mauricio Rubio Jr.

email: mr@99sportsproblems.com

twitter: @MRubio52

BASEBALL NERDOM

I would imagine that in the strata of baseball nerdom my star burns pretty bright. I love the history of the game and how it has intertwined with our own history as Americans over time. The games past can be beautiful, inspiring, ugly, sadistic, but above all baseball history is complex. One of my nerdier endeavors baseball wise is Strat-O-Matic baseball. Yeah, I’ll let that one wash over you for a moment.

I play a dice and card tabletop baseball game.

I feel that the game is lacking some flavor, however, so I designed what cards would look like if Chicago baseball fans designed them.

FIRST THE TYPICAL DESIGN OF THE CARD:

It’s pretty basic, there’s three six-sided dice, one determines what column you’re looking at, the other two determine the outcome. 1-3 is the hitter’s side, 4-6 is the pitcher’s side. It gets more complex but we don’t need to go over that right now. Without further delay:

RYAN DEMPSTER

As you can see I’ve encapsulated all that Ryan Dempster has become into one Strat card. His desire for LA is visible, and perhaps a bit disturbing. His Harry Caray impersonation is also well represented as is his rather “endearing” sense of humor.

JAKE PEAVY

Now there’s no denying Peavy’s brilliance this year. The man is having an amazing, Cy Young caliber year. He’s also a max-effort bulldog on the mound, and I feel that is well-represented here on this card. The Alabama Strong Man is having a stellar year on the mound and this card reflects that.

ADAM “THE BIG DONKEY” DUNN

Now, Adam Dunn is having a bounce back season of sorts. He’s doing exactly what they paid him for, hitting bombs, drawing walks, and striking out at a rather epic pace. He has an outside chance to earn the TTO triple crown, leading the league in K’s, BB’s, and HR’s. And he’s fat, and I love him for it.

ANTHONY “THE SAINT” RIZZO

Anthony Rizzo has earned a sterling reputation on the North Side as the savior. Now, maybe that’s not fair, he only walks on water now, but it has yet to translate into wins for the Cubs, which might mean that he sucks. I was perhaps too kind with this card.

KEVIN YOUKILIS

Youk has provided a genuine spark for the White Sox, a fact well-represented on his strat card. I think Sox fans of both persuasions enjoyed his dong video as well, so that gets a mention. Youk is colorful, grindy, and white, which is what matters most in Boston.

STARLIN CASTRO

The Cubs eventual 3B is a poor fielder and an awful human being who will never hit more than 10 HR’s in a season ever. He sucks and should even move into the outfield to sink his value even more. I’ve never seen him make a good play when I’m looking at his stats.

A letter to Cubs fans in 2016, from us poor saps in 2012.

Hey there, you guys are back! I was wondering where all the die hard Dempster fans went after the Cubs traded him to the Rangers, but that doesn’t matter, welcome!

I know, I know, trust me, it’s still Wrigley, there’s just a bigass awesome Jumbotron out there and a few more advertisements than you’re used to. It’s all good, it’s still the same experience you remember, well, that you might remember. You guys used to get WASTED here. The beer is still here so there’s that.

Oh, yeah, a lot has changed over your hiatus. We’re winning now! Yeah, you remember, when Theo outlined his whole plan in a 30 minute presser about changing the culture and building a winner? IT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED! Damn man, I mean he laid it out for us, then he started doing it, and then he gutted the team like he said he would, and goddamnit, the kids could actually play! I know, not all of the prospects are here, there were a lot of good drafts but baseball is a bitch on the young, it lets you know what it thinks of you. Oh Starlin? Yeah he’s still a shortstop. Funny thing happened in 2012, a young kid kept learning! I KNOW CRAZY! I always thought that you stopped learning after 18 and you never got better at anything at that point.

Look, I don’t blame you for leaving, it was hard to watch those teams. There was a lot of ugly. Some of the talent we traded away even went on to have good years elsewhere, but hey, that happens. They are old and most of them are retired now. If they aren’t they’re way past their usefulness. LaHair? Oh yeah, he had a crazy 2012. I can’t remember if he did much of anything after that. He had his uses back then, but he’s older now too. This young crop of talent they have now is amazing.

Man, this team is fun to watch, and you know what, because they decided to build from within, to bite the bullet a few years ago and not listen to antsy fans bitch and moan, begging for a win now mentality, they might just keep on winning, I think they can beat the Nats this year!

It’s been a long wait man, I’m glad you guys are back, I want to hear this stadium groan when everyone in this joint is rocking out after a meaningful Cubs victory.

You know what, we might get that deep into October too. Not just this year either, I mean for years. And it all started with that shit show in 2012!

Crazy, huh?