Spoken of in legend... it's...

THE REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING

Last Updated : 8/9/1999

Many over the years have pondered the puzzling problem of the pushing, pointless button...

"I just don't get it," says John Andrew William Thoroughgood of Monkeyspank, RI. "I mean, it's a button, sorta like the other piccy-links on the web, but I push it and it doesn't do anything. It's SUPPOSED to take me somewhere cool on the web or give me a sound file or an MPEG. But it doesn't. I don't get it! WHY GOD WHY?!?



Others are less dramatic. From Melvin W. Earthsgood of Harmony, WA, "The button's gotta lotta energy, you know, but it's like potential, it's not KENETIC. It doesn't do anything but it does it in it's own little way, you know? I can like respect its desires not to do anything and admire the sheer determination of inactivity. Cosmic."



But Joan R. Welksgood of Gaithersburg, MD says, "It's a useless button. Why I just paid sixteen bucks in tickets and packet charges just to see it is beyond me. Can I get a refund?"



"They just don't get the button," complains Tiffany Reznorgood of Suburban America. "They can't deal with its pain and file it off as some useless bit of junk. Pigs, all of them."



"I find this whole button thing strangely hillarious," notes Steven Gaggood, current location unknown. "Dunno why. Maybe because you're writing down what I'm saying about it as if it's important. Can I say hello to my mom, by the way?"



According to Gary Achenbach, "One can say that the Really Big Button doesn't do anything, but even that's not entirely true. I mean, it really doesn't do -anything-. It doesn't even doesn't do anything. I've seen things that do nothing before, but at least they actually do nothing; the button doesn't even do that. It just...it can't even be explained in words, really."



The Mad Mosher was quoted as emitting : "Click.... click... *gurgle*... click... HeeHeeHeehehe... click.. hoohoo! Click.... *wibble*... click... *snurf*... click... *sigh*... clickclickclick... *sob*."



Patrick Legg warns, "It's not true that the RBB doesn't do anything. I pressed it and my stereo fell off the bureau, practically killing my cat! I don't know how you did this but I'm not going to press it again, thats for sure."



Dean Esmay remembers... "I fell in love with a girl named Melanie and no one, especially her, cared. But I pressed the button and I felt better. I laughed. I cried. I fell down. It was beautiful. Now I press it every day. I pity those who do not understand."



Ryan Grant notes, "I think it's really great. Completely underrated. I clicked on it about 50 times, and I still haven't had enough!"



Philip Macfarlane growls, "Hey is this some kind of a joke? I clicked on your stupid button and about 5 seconds later my machine crashed, losing me about 6 hours of work on my project and trashing my disc! I'm comin' after you boy.... Doh!"



"I think there's something wrong with the Really Big Button. It doesn't seem to do anything," Paul Mitchell reports.



Dave Rogers ponders, "If a tree falls on the Really Big Button in the forest when nobody is there, does it do something?"



Gregory L. Snead shouts to a large crowd of onlookers, "You are all wrong! The button does what all buttons of its kind do: allow itself to be pushed. What to do you expect? Can it be held responsible for what *doesn't* happen once it is pressed? I think not! Perhaps the world would be a better place if individuals were more like the button. Hail to the button!"



Daniel Dylan muses, "I don't see what the big deal is...I mean I pushed it, and it worked for me."



Zorgon - This is a major breakthrough in Web theory: a graphical, user-friendly interface for the IP loopback address. Probably the most important thing to happen in cyberspace since William Gibson got a TRS-80 in his Christmas stocking back in 19 78.

Mark Notarus - The button is a grand mystical meta-symbol of life. You can push and push, but you get nothing new, in the end. Very Orwellian.

Charlie Fox - ..Sure, but does it go to eleven?

Wade Hostler - Am I the only person to notice (click) oooh that the Really Big Button (tm) (click) aaaaah stimulates the pleasure center (click) oh baby please don't stop of the brain? (click) oooh! oooh! oooh!

Lucy Webb - What do you mean, it doesn't do anything? It works fine for me. Try pressing it again; there must be something wrong with you.

Kurt Overberg - I thought it was great. It made me laugh, it made me cry, the entire range of emotions. It was better than Cats. I'm going to take the entire family to see it again and again.

Michael Weishaar - The Really Big Button is great, because other buttons are caught up in the rat-race, needing to be pushed so they can perform their pathetic little task, which really is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The Really B ig Button doesn't need to do anything - it just IS. Kind of Zen-like, isn't it?

John Krueger - You know, if you put it on top of a mountain you could claim it was the secret of life and people would pay big money to see it. Go figure.

Max Kliger - What is the sound of one Really Big Button clicking?

Timothy Sharpe - My mommy had a big button just like that when I was but a wee button clicker, but my daddy was jealous because his button was small and didn't do anything either.

Jeffrey Braciak - "testing.. one.. two..?" you _sure_ this things plugged in?

Idal - You're right!...neat!...didn't do a thing!....but what'm I gonna do with all these spatula deliveries? Gotta go...doorbell's ringing...

Clif - Finally, I've found one product that performs exactly as advertised.

Stephen Strawbridge - The button is a reflection of thyself. The outcome of pressing it is to see thy innerself. Therefore losers experience nothing. Alas, Caveat - Self Knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Sean from Denver - When I first saw The Button, I nearly left without pressing it. I was afraid. Then I read the quotes and I thought to myself 'everybody's doing it, I'll just press it once.' So I pressed it...and liked it. Then I pressed it agai God, if only I hadn't given in. Now some days I press it 50 or 60 times always hoping it will take me somewhere...

Andrew McCulloch - I have a light switch rather like this. It doesn't work ANY of the lights in my house, but occasionally I give it a flick just in case. The other day I got this phone call from an irate woman in Germany telling me to pack it i n and stop fiddling with her lights.

Ian D Richardson - Grrrr ! Pesky Kids ! I cant watch TV no more because your Big Button keeps changing the channel. If you dont cut it out I'm gonna come round and shove THIS up THERE like THAT. Ow.

Brenda Holloway - I thought from all the hype that all you could do is just push this button, but then I tried it. There are actually at least twenty different buttons! Pressing Button #1 in the lower left corner leads to Button #3; pressing #3 wh ile wiggling the mouse leads either to Button #6 or sometimes Button #15. I think there might be a Button #7, in fact this might be it here. I wonder what hap

Richard May - According to the theory of Fuzzy Logic all buttons (really big or otherwise) belong to both the set of buttons that do things and to the set of buttons that do not do things, each to a degree. Therefore your button is really no diffe rent to any other button, except in the degree to which it belongs to these sets.

pudd'nhead - Dissapointment flows from false expectancy. By conquering desire we avoid the frustration and disillusionment that comes from having ones anticipations exposed. The button says *right there* that it doesnt do anything. Yet we press.

Mark D. Norton - If the Really Big Button is pressed in Twoflower's closet next to the Real Time Camera, does it make a sound?

Kelly/Austin, Texas - It's obvious that the RBBTDDA is responding in accordance with the Heisenberg Principle in that you can either observe momentum or location, but never both at the same time. You can see where it is, but you can't tell what i does...or you can watch it work, but you can't tell where.

Rhodes P TSgt CSS/SCYS - See the Button... Push the Button... Be the Button.

Greg Wiley - It's just this button, you know?

Eugene J Koontz - In a Web full of hype, hard-sells, and overstimulation, the Button is a welcome relief, a way to relax and decompress the .zip files of our modern lives. I'm going to put it on my hotlist, and return over and over again to experi ence this shelter, this island of serenity.

David Holloway - And the Multitudes came to the Button, and the Button was Great. And the Multitudes, seeing the Glory of the Button, heeded not the warnings and prognostications of the Keepers of the Button, and they were mightily vexed, for the Button did Nothing. And Lo, there was much wailing and gnashing of Teeth, and the Keepers of the Button were Greatly Amused. (Button I, v.x-xi)

David Lombard -

On a page far away stood the Really Big Button, an emblem of suffering and shame. But we love that old button With its pointless aplomb. So, we'll cherish the really big button 'til our mouses at last we lay down We will cling to the really big button and exchange it some day for a crown

Forrest Gump - Button is as button does, sir.

Bucky Edgett - I thought it would be a lot bigger.

Greg Brooks - Night air, cold on the skin of the city... Stark light from the streetlights only illumens the pasty white skin of the city's walking dead... along a boulevard of broken dreams and torn prom dresses there is a single, dim glow from a dingy window... in a small, dirty room above the streets, he pushes the button, over and over... and he sobs softly...

Bruce Atherton - ...and you shall know the one who is come unto you as your once and future king when he shall push the Really Big Button, and something happens. None but the pure of heart can succeed. So it is written, so it shall be.

Doug Shannon - Is there any relation between this and the Really Small Button that does everything?

Douglas Edward Becker - I feel cheated. It wasn't really that big.

Steve Jibson - Hmmm... sounds like my mother-in-law: really big and does nothing.

"A BRILLIANT EXPOSE OF FACILE IRONY! MOVING...CAPTIVATING AND HAUNTING. 'THE BUTTON' WORKS ON ALL LEVELS." Leo Padron -The New Jersey Record Star Journal

J. Hammond - Frobnitz the Student approached the great Dr. Joshu in his office one day, for Joshu was his thesis advisor and Frobnitz had been making no progress. "What is the Way of Thesis?" asked Frobnitz. Dr. Joshu wordlessly turned to his ke yboard and pressed The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. At that moment the Student was enlightened.

Cat - So, what is it?

Tom Spears - The crowd around my terminal tensed. Someone hollered, "Click it! Do it now!". But I waited - until the time was perfect. Then, in a moment of complete abandon, I slowly and deliberately pressed the button. Suddenly,

Comptroller - "In the beginning, there was the Button. The Button was Big and the Button was Red." -- Genesis1:1

Ray Bigonesse - Huh? A button that does nothing? Must be a new Microsoft product...

Johnathan Rynd - Once again illustrating the concept that "If you make something on the Net incredibly stupid, people will flock to it." It kind of reminds me of Field of Dreams, you know, If you build it, they will come? But in this case all this guy has done is type some lines into a http server. Is it that boring in maryland? Don't you have politics to bore yourself with or something? (Ed. Note - I'd tell you if it was really that boring in Maryland, but I'm too apathetic to bother.)

Dave Himmelspach - On behalf of the pacifists of this world, I would like to thank the really big button for being the perfect spokesbutton for our movement. No matter how many times some people click on it trying to provoke a response, it refuse s to react aggressively. Its restraint is a model for us all.

"Naked" - I've clicked the button 1,369 times. I'm still not convinced it doesn't do anything--I think I just have to stare harder and try not to blink my eyes this time. On click number 536 I'm almost positive I saw something happen, but I had to blink because my eyes had completely dried out. *click* Damn, missed it again.

Brandon Hashimoto -

Vincent: You know what they call a Really Big Button in Paris? Jules : They don't call it a Really Big Button? Vincent: No man, they speak French over there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Really Big Button is. Jules : What do they call it? Vincent: They call it, Tres Grand Button.

Tim Wright - (click) My God, it's full of stars!

Friendly Human Person - The button does indeed do something, however, it is very selective about who it does it for, in order to experience The Button, you must first understand The Button, then Become One with The Button, only then will you find true enlightenment.

Rich Garrett - DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the History Eraser Button you FOOL!!!

Cat - So, what is it?

Warren Siegel - Thanks for the Really Big Button. Things have been happening to me all day long, but I pushed the button and NOTHING happened. I really needed the break. If you ever have something going to happen and you want to stop it, push t he Really Big Button.

Eric Bloch - Thanks. Now I have all these thumb prints on my screen.

Nikhil Miraj - For all the dorks,geeks, dweebs and morons out there, i present the TRUE MEANING of the RBB: [butt][on][button]>[button][on][butt] -elementary matrix theory.