My beautiful blue eyed girl has recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Three years ago she was diagnosed with autism. Last week I sat with her and we talked. This is all her own words. She asked me to share so others understand.

Sometimes bedtime is the best time. It is the one time people leave me alone. They stop asking things like ‘are you hungry Naomi?’, ‘would you like a drink Naomi?‘, ”are you sure you don’t want a snack?’

Why do people eat and drink so much anyway? I have things I much prefer doing like watching you tube and playing my own games with my toys.

How am I meant to eat or drink when I am doing something else?

Sometimes people even want me to change rooms to eat.

School do that.

Why?

I am comfortable and happy and then you make me move and my brain is thinking about where am I going, did I leave anything I might need, what if things have changed when I get back? What is someone touches anything?

Those things scare me.

You want me to move to somewhere, sit down and eat what you have made.

But I didn’t ask for it. I did not know it was happening. No-one told me I would smell different things, hear different voices and touch different stuff and now you want me to even taste things?

It is too much so I just freeze.

I can hear you but everything is fuzzy.

I am so scared. I am scared that people are looking at me. I am scared everyone is going to talk to me. I feel sick.

Why do people eat funny things? People eat things with bright colours and I can’t understand that. My body is a pinky beige colour. That is a safe colour. Like a light brown sort of colour. If my skin is ok then things that colour are ok too.

You want to know why I still sometimes don’t eat things that are my skin colour? Well it is just wrong. And my brain is all upset about food. When I play with my toys they look the same, they stay the same and they act the same. Sometimes I eat something and it tastes nice, it is the right colour and it fells nice and soft in my mouth. But then some days I eat what you tell me is the same and it isn’t the same. It is not the way I saw it the time I liked it. It does not have the same softness and I get upset. You ruined it. Why do people do that? I order my toys in lines so when I look at them they look the same. I feel safe like that. But you don’t let me do that with food. If I put it in order it makes sense. I want to know it is ‘right’ and I need to check it. What if it is wrong and it goes inside me? That would hurt me.

That is why I have to have one thing then another. My brain tells me ‘this is nugget skins’ and I remember what they taste like. You damage it if it has sauce or potatoes on. Then it is not nugget skins but some weird thing my brain does not know. So all nuggets are dangerous. And I get scared again.

I like soft. When I chew sometimes I get a little tiny bit to swallow and sometime a bigger bit. That means it tastes different and it does not make sense. Nibbling is safer. My teeth don’t want to touch stuff because then it tastes of teeth not what it should taste like. Teeth is not a nice flavour. You know that because no one makes anything teeth flavour do they?

I feel sick sometimes. Mummy says it is hunger but I don’t get it. My tummy makes me feel sick and people say it needs food when it already wants to get rid of what is in there so why add more? That does not make sense to me.

I don’t think people like me sometimes. They shout at me and keep making me eat. I get scared and sad, Please leave me alone. I like it best when mummy puts things I like near me when I am playing so my toys can look at it and tell me it is ok. I know my world is ok then.

All day long people eat eat eat. And I get scared scared and more scared. I eat at breakfast and then you want me to eat again for lunch or snack at school, then dinner, then supper.

I want it to end some days. That’s why bedtime is the best for me.

Mummy asked me if I dream about food when I sleep. No way! I dream about trains. Thomas tank engine is brilliant. He never eats and I like that!

This article first appeared here