BIRMINGHAM (TSK) -- In a stunning move, the SEC announced today that it has accepted the application of Memphis to become the 14th member of the conference.

"Those Missouri people can't figure out what they want to do in like a nine-hour long meeting, so we figured what the h---?" said a visibly drunk Mike Slive. He then joined the SEC presidents in a slurred rendition of "Go Tigers Go," the Memphis fight song.

Sources inside the SEC indicate that Ole Miss, Kentucky and Vanderbilt pushed hard for the Tigers' inclusion. When asked why, the source simply said: "Have you seen Kentucky play this year?"

Another source indicated that Auburn was no longer willing to move to the SEC East to accommodate the move to 14 teams. "First of all," said the source, who works at Auburn, "we would be giving up a game against Memphis for what -- a game against Vanderbilt. Really?"

Slive told reporters at conference headquarters that move "would add -- well, it will add people. There will now be more people in the SEC. Or something."

The SEC commissioner also told reporters the move meant his conference was "totally completely done" with expansion, then held up crossed fingers.

Missouri said it would now look to join the MAC or "whatever conference will get us out of this sinkhole of a league." Asked whether Conference USA would look to replace Memphis, Commissioner Britton Banowsky responded: "Why bother?"