Toxic people are everywhere. You may have identified some of them in your life already. Others maybe hiding in plain sight.

It is important to identify such people because they usually consume a lot of your time and energy. Meeting or dealing with such people can feel emotionally draining.

But what do we mean when we say that a person is toxic?

It is tough to settle on one definition for toxic people. It is a bunch of characteristics. Due to the vague nature of the term, it often gets thrown around quite a bit, leading to mischaracterisation.

What are the signs/traits of toxic people?

Some of the most commonly shared characteristics of such people are:

Narcissism

Egotism

Vengeful behaviour

Manipulative nature

Moral disengagement

Jealousy

Shifting the blame

Sadism

Machiavellianism

Psychological entitlement

A common trait is to place their interests and aims over other people.

Such people often exhibit no remorse for this behaviour and may even enjoy it.

For example:

You may encounter a co-worker who’s lying, manipulating, misrepresenting facts, fudging data. Only because it suits their interest at the moment.

Such characters never shoulder the responsibility for their failings. When they get found out, they may even engage in blaming others or resort to emotional blackmail.

Another classic example is the narcissistic parent. Such characters are very possessive and even feel threatened by their children’s progress or independence.

A narcissistic parent always wants the child to remain subservient to them. They may even feel attacked by the child’s progress or personal growth.

Dealing With Toxic People At Work

This can prove to be tricky, but it is doable.

Once you have identified a co-worker as toxic, there are three steps you could take to deal with them.

First, be sure to protect your reputation and work from such people. Be alert and do not put yourself in a position that they can take advantage of.

Do not get carried away by their toxicity. Try to avoid indulging them beyond the demands of the professional framework.

Second, use boundaries. Keep communication short and direct. Even if there are indirect jabs and digs raining at you, do not react. Instead respond, be firm, clear and concise with them vis a vis what is permissible and what is not. When you starve them of the reaction they survive on, you are cutting off their oxygen.

Third, do not let them get under your skin. Toxic people have a way of doing that. Either by way of manipulation or by constant bombardment of negativity. Stay calm and confident within.

You can deal with toxic people in a much better manner when you are centered within.

Dealing with toxic people in your life (family ties)

This is trickier.

Unlike at the workplace, coping with toxic people in your family is extremely challenging.

The reason is that despite their toxicity, you are bound to them by familial ties.

More often than not, toxic people in your family will resort to using guilt as an effective weapon. They will blame you for their miseries.

Toxic people in the family will give you a hard time for “abandoning them”. They will conveniently overlook the plain truth that it was their negative behaviour that caused you to maintain distance, in the first place.

First, you have to watch against guilt. Auditing your inner voice, and self-talk about this toxic person can help. If you let the guilt work, you are walking right into their trap.

Second, do not attempt reform. Since they are family, you may be tempted to try and change them. Usually, toxic characteristics are so deep-rooted that reform is often not a possibility.

Third, maintain an emotional distance. If staying away from them is not a possibility, then try to limit their direct influence on your life. Try and limit communication. Be firm and lay down some ground rules for engagement.

Can Toxic People Change?

Toxicity is usually the result of learned behaviour (possibly during childhood). Such people were likely subjected to similar behaviour when they were children. They grew up internalising and replicating it.

Due to their deep-seated insecurities, toxic people try to control others. They do this by keeping others in check by insulting them, by destroying their confidence chip by chip.

In most cases, it is futile to attempt to change toxic people on your own. Seeking professional help could be a better idea, but then again, it is not your place to suggest this.

Most toxic people who have made a change have done so on the back of self-realisation and sincere efforts.

Conclusion: Shed the Guilt

In dealing with toxic people, it is important is not to have any guilt, whatsoever. Despite your love/concern for them, you have to let self-preservation take precedence over attachment.

In short, if you feel you have cut ties, it’s okay. Trust your instinct and do what’s best for you.