Queen brilliantly steers attention away from Prince Andrew by suspending democracy

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, a woman divinely appointed to be better than you, has decided that democracy can be put on hold for a bit, and if it makes the press stop writing about her son maintaining relations with a convicted paedophile then all the better.

Simon Williams, the Daily Telegraph’s specialist on the Royal Family, praised the monarch for getting everyone to forget Andrew went to parties hosted by someone who kept a teenage sex slave.

“Once again her majesty shows her incredible resilience and foresight. This is not her first crisis, and each time she has bravely decided to stay in her gigantic palace while taxpayer-funded servants cater to her every whim, like the trooper she is.

“As a person appointed to be our superior for no better reason than her parents successfully fucked, she understands that sometimes pesky little things like elected representatives must keep quiet while someone with good breeding does what is necessary.

“But don’t forget she is as sharp as a razor and she knows that this was a great occasion to shift the press focus away from the annoying question of why Andrew went to the home of someone convicted of child abuse.”

However, not everyone in Buckingham Palace agreed that giving Boris Johnson free rein to do what he wants was a good move in the long run. Speaking off the record, a palace insider known only as C expressed grave doubts about the Queen’s actions.

“Typical of her. This is is going to kickstart a republican movement just when she is on her way out. And who is going to have to deal with the backlash? Muggins here, that’s who!”