Preamble Hello. During the final series of The Sopranos, as he meticulously burned his bridges with the rest of humanity, Tony Soprano tersely opined that "'Remember when' is the lowest form of conversation". Thankfully he's a fictional character and thus can't give us a good shoeing* for asking: remember when Portugal last played North Korea at the World Cup?

You simply cannot preview this game without rewinding to the highlight of the 1966 World Cup: the amazing quarter-final between these two sides at Goodison Park. North Korea, who had already dumped Italy out, roared into a 3-0 lead in the craziest of atmospheres before being well and truly Eusebioed.

He scored four times in a 5-3 win, but failure comes no more glorious than North Korea's. Cris Freddi, these islands' premier football historian, nailed it by with the simple description: "a unique match".

Today has no chance of matching that, but North Korea played extremely well against Brazil and could feasibly take points off either Portugal or Ivory Coast. Yet while Portugal will need to play well just to win the game, they must also keep half an eye on goal difference. If they win today and lose to Brazil, and Ivory Coast beat North Korea – all entirely conceivable results – goal difference will decide who finishes second in the group.

Kick off is at 12.30pm, and today's game will be shown live in North Korea.

* And we could take him anyway, frankly

The best ever World Cup quarter-final?

Team news

Portugal (4-1-2-3) 1-Eduardo; 13-Miguel, 2-Bruno Alves, 6-Ricardo Carvalho, 23-Fabio Coentrao; 8-Pedro Mendes; 16-Raul Meireles, 19-Tiago; 11-Simao Sabrosa; 18-Hugo Almeida, 7-Cristiano Ronaldo.

North Korea (5-3-2) 1-Ri Myong-guk; 2-Cha Jong-hyok, 13-Pak Chol-jin, 3-Ri Jun-il, 8-Ji Yun-nam, 5-Ri Kwang-chon; 11-Mun In-guk, 17-An Yong-hak, 4-Pak Nam-chol; 10-Hong Yong-jo, 9-Jong Tae-se.

Now, I don't know about you, but I spent the weekend craving something that I have not experienced for far too long; something visceral, sensual and mind-altering. That's right: a game of Kick Off 2. The subject came up during Friday's MBM, when somebody pointed out that the match was being refereed by Steve Screech. The real Steve Screech even emailed in.

Steve Screech, eh? Bloody hell. When I'm old and doddery and can't even remember my own name or which direction I'm supposed to point that thing in, I'll still know who Steve Screech was, still remember the time he sent off four of my men for little more than overzealous breathing on a wet pitch. Mention of Screech prompted a delirious sensory overload of Kick Off 2 memories, from the dubious joys of pulling muscles all over your body while trying to impart sufficient aftertouch to the jumping-on-the-spot celebration to the throatlump-inducing endeavour of H.H. "Happy Happy" Day. One of my mates at uni could even go round the keeper, which used to drive me mad.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this. Please.

The best porn you'll ever be able to watch at work. Whoever put this clip together should be knighted.

Jong Tae Se watch No tears during the anthem this time, although he kept his eyes shut tight throughout and looked like he was experiencing about seven different epiphanies at once. He's not crying, it's just been raining of his face. It has been pouring down in Cape Town.

1 min Portugal, who are all in red and look like Wales, kick off from right to left. North Korea are in white.

2 min "Portugal have got to go for it haven't they?" says John Stonestreet. "It's all going to come down to goal difference between Portugal and ivory coast for secondnd spot behind brazil. They both deserve the pain of going out on goal difference after the bore-draw that I took time off work to watch and subsequently struggle to stay awake for."

3 min The pitch is extremely wet, with players slipping over a fair bit early on. Nothing has happened as yet. Saying which, Ronaldo's optimistic long-range shot hits Pak Chol Jin and wobbles awkwardly in mid-flight, but Ri Myong Guk makes a comfortable save. That ball moved viciously just before it got to him.

4 min Ronaldo has actually started on the left, with Simao on the right. He plays Tiago in down the left; his cross isn't cleared properly, and Carvalho's shot on the turn from 15 yards is high and wide.

5 min North Korea fancy this. They have been much more positive than they were against Brazil, and the game has been played as much in the Portugal half as in their own. Portugal will probably be quite pleased about that, as it'll give them more space in which to play. There's a very open feel to this,.

7 min Ricardo Carvalho hits the post. The goalkeeper Ri Myong Guk, charging out of his goal with the confused purpose of Baldrick going over the top, got nowhere near a driven corner from the right by Simao, and Carvalho at the far post leapt above Ri Jun Il to thump a header onto the far post from eight yards.

8 min "No you are not the only one with a soft spot for Kick Off 2 on the Amiga," says Chris Wheeler. "In fact that game was the reason I upgraded from my C64. It was, however, overtaken by the mighty Sensible Soccer. Word of warning, never go back, keep it in the memories."

Sod that. I'm buying an Amiga and a fedora and renting a seaside cottage for a month once this World Cup is over. Might even rent a little chow to keep my company.

11 min North Korea have got the battle fever on today. They are harrying Portugal high up the pitch and, when a loose ball runs to Cha Jong Hyok 30 yards out, he cuts across a lovely effort that swerves just wide of the near post. I don't think Eduardo had that covered.

12 min "Sensible Soccer > Kick off 2," says Ben Thompson. "That is all."

You're barred.

13 min Make no mistake: Portugal have got a job on here. Korea are actually playing a 5-3-2/3-5-2 rather than the 5-4-1 they played against Brazil.

14 min "I was crap at Kick Off 2, mainly because my friends all got their Amigas a good two or three years before me so had cheated by practising," says Adrian Cooper. "This made it all the sweeter when I scored with an overhead volley, from INSIDE MY OWN HALF, against one of them. It would have been more impressive if I actually knew I did it but, alas, it was all down to a random and never again repeated combination of weird joystick movements."

15 min North Korea are brilliant. After a nice passing move, Hong Yong Jo comes infield from the left and dinks a fine ball over the top for Jong Tae Se, but the ball zips off the turf and away from him. Had he been able to control that he would have been in a position to shoot with his second touch.

16 min It's teeming down now.

17 min "I'd just like to confess my absolute delight at the response my mention of S Screech and Kick Off 2 has generated," says Mike Carey. "I'm pleasantly imaging that eBay UK has seen a massive increase in searches for KO2 and the Amiga (don't tell me you haven't had a look!). Nostalgia – ain't it great! H.H. Day, S.D.R Wells, A Nicholls and R Shaw on the left wing. Great days!"

Nostalgia is wonderful, ruined only by the pesky realisation that, some time in the future, we'll be nostalgic for this part of our lives as well.

18 min Hong Yong Jo forces a good diving save from Eduardo with a vicious strike from a ludicrous angle, just outside the box on the right. The rebound bounces a touch too high for Pak Nam Chol, who can't get over his head. That was an outrageous attempt from the captain Hong Yong Jo.

20 min "Halfway line lobs in Kick Off 2 were the chancer's way of staging a comeback," asys Rafe Abrook, unashamedly outing himiself as that strangest of birds, the Kick Off 2 snog. "I mastered it to the point that the keeper would just turn and give the ball a confused look as it plipped in off the underside of the bar. Good times, broken joysticks. Only the Competition Pro 5000 was man enough for the job of applying sufficient aftertouch." I always thought aftershock was the delayed pain you got after yanking the joystick a bit too zealously while trying to impart aftertouch.

21 min An Young Hak drags a left-footed daisy-cutter a few yards wide of the far post from 25 yards.

22 min Almost a goal for Portugal. Simao (I think) booms over a superb, deep cross from the right and, with Almeida cocked to head towards goal from six yards at the far post, Cha Jong Hyok gets the merest headed touch to take it to safety. Moments later, Meireles swooshes an angled shot from the edge of the area into the side netting at the near post. All the players are absolutely drenched now.

24 min Ji Yun Nam, who scored against a Brazil, smashes a 30-yarder not too far wide of the angle of post and bar. North Korea are a serious threat, and they sussed that shooting from distance is a decent bet in these conditions.

25 min "Goalstorm for the first playstation was a glorious game for all the wrong reasons," says David Penney. "Passes and shots sounded like something between an Ivan Drago punch and a 12-bore shotgun."

GOAL! Portugal 1-0 North Korea (Meireles 28) Raul Meireles scores a goal of beautiful simplicity. He made a fine late run into the box, onto a stabbed, angled through pass from Tiago that took three defenders out of the game, and slammed a crisp, first-time shot under Ri Myong Guk from 12 yards. That's a gorgeous goal, slightly reminiscent of Alain Giresse's gem against the USSR in the 1986.

29 min "Getting nostalgic about the times we were nostalgic about our yoof?" says Rob Paterson. "Thanks for plunging me into a Borgeskian meta-crisis Rob! That's it: I'm putting down the bong, burning my DVD of 'The Mysterious Cities of Gold' and getting a job!"

32 min That goal has jolted North Korea a little, and Portugal are having a decent spell of possession.

33 min "Kick Off 2 tactic," whispers John Stonestreet. "Straight from kick off, dribble forward to the edge of the centre circle and shoot. (Hit fire and forward, then pull back.) The ball would invariably bounce once in front of the approaching goalkeeper and then over his head into the net. Worked so often it felt like cheating, but when you're 2-0 to Sweden in the World Cup semi-final, you had to do what was necessary for your country."

35 min Meireles almost makes it two after a bad defensive error. Pak Chol Jin's attempted clearance from Simao's low cross hit An Yong Hak and rebounded to Meireles, 12 yards out, but he dragged his shot wide of the far post. That was a pretty good chance.

36 min "Kick Off 2 was ok, but it never replicated the excitement of getting past level 5 on Jet Pac," says Tom Hopkins. "Personally, I think any game that requires the use of anything other than the Q, A, O, P and Space buttons isn't trying hard enough."

39 min Pedro Mendes is booked for a bad foul on Pak Nam Chol 25 yards from goal. The free kick is in a great position, fractionally to the right of centre, but Hong Yong Jo slams it into the wall.

40 min "Hearing Mick McCarthy on commentary makes me think of the 2002 World Cup, when he was Republic of Ireland manager," says Kate Bellamy. "Didn't they manage a draw with Germany (if my memory serves me correctly) and were on a real roll at full time that if they had played five minutes more they probably would have won? My favourite part was the interview with Mick afterwards when he accidentally swore several times in his excitement at having drawn a game. I think his initial comment in the post-match interview was something along the lines of: 'we effing stuffed them'." I like Mick: he tells it like it is, and all reports suggest he's a deceptively tender lover. What more can you ask for?

42 min Ronaldo finally does something, running down the inside-left channel and drilling a low, left-footed shot across goal and a few yards wide of the far post.

43 min "Sorry if this comes accross as being a killjoy to you and those of your correspondents who are obviously relishing the opportunity to relive their (mis-spent?) youth, but I want to know what is happening in the match, and some World Cup-related banter," says Zita Lloyd, who's got the battle fever on. "The whole Kick Off thing is BORING, irrelevant and there seems to be more of that than footie commentary in your MBM - frankly a bit lazy and shoddy Rob."

Where do I send the editorial consultancy fee?

44 min The left-back Coentrao, who has been a real threat going forward, beats Cha Jong Hyok drives a dangerous, deflected cross towards the near post where Almeida, facing the corner flag, tries to flick it behind his standing leg towards goal. It was a smart idea but the ball zipped off the wet turf and screwed off the side of his foot and across goal.

45 min Portugal are having a great spell and Simao's cross from the right of the box just evades the head of Meireles, whose runs from midfield are causing all sorts of problems for North Korea.

45 min+1 "Here's something Zita might be interested in reading," says Alex Netherton, occasional MBM loser who was recently described by James Brown as "some sort of talented maniac and I guess it's just a matter with him of what he ends up with first The Booker. Prize or The Priory".

Half time: Portugal 1-0 North Korea It was even for half an hour, but Raul Meireles' picture-perfect goal jolted North Korea and they were hanging on a wee bit before half-time. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

Kick Off 2: The Movie, directed by David Lynch.

46 min Korea kick off from right to left. Portugal must decide whether to stick or twist, in view of the goal-difference considerations. There are no substitutions on either side.

47 min Tiago hits a good, wobbling shot from 20 yards and Ri Myong Guk arches his back to push it two-handed over the bar.

48 min Ronaldo thwangs a first-time shot miles over the bar from 20 yards.

49 min A scuffed shot from Ronaldo, 20 yards out in the inside-left channel, bounces a little awkwardly in front of of Ri Myong Guk and slithers out of his grasp. Almeida follows up but Ri Myong Guk just manages to push it out of danger.

51 min Jong Tae Se's low free-kick from the left side of the box takes a slight deflection off Bruno Alves in the wall and is saved comfortably by Happy Happy Day in goal.

52 min It's been a really lively start to the second half. Ronaldo finds the overlapping Coentrao down the left and he drives his cross low towards the six-yard box. Almedia tried to flick it towards goal at the near post but Ri Kwang Chon just did enough to put him off and the ball went out for a goal kick.

GOAL! Portugal 2-0 North Korea (Simao 53) This is another excellent goal. The right-back Miguel, just inside the Korean half, swept a long pass to Meireles on the edge of the box; he chested it off to Almeida, received the return and then slid a lovely angled through pass to Simao, in all sorts of space on the right side of the box. He took a touch and passed it simply under Ri Myong Guk. Delightful stuff.

55 min "Your parents must have spoiled you all," says Alex Warwick. "An Amiga, with games?!? You had it good. I had one mate who had an Amiga thanks to his parents getting divorced and trying to win his love."

A mate, eh?

GOAL! Portugal 3-0 North Korea (Almeida 56) This could get very messy for North Korea. The excellent Fabio Coentrao burst into space down the left onto a lovely pass from Tiago and then swung back a perfect cross to Almeida, who was six yards out and ahead of the last defender. He did the necessary, heading confidently into the top of the net. That's another very slick goal.

57 min "Ronaldo has had nowt to do with the three goals scored here," says Ian Copestake, "which suggests he has played a major role as a decoy show pony."

58 min North Korea make two substitutions: Kim Kum Il and Kim Yong Jun replace Pak Nam Chol and Mum In Guk.

GOAL! Portugal 4-0 North Korea (Tiago 60) Korea's offside trap is a mess, and Portugal break it again to create another goal. Ronaldo runs beyond the defence down the left, comes inside and then passes it deliberately back to the edge of the area. Tiago, running on it, passes it immaculately into the far corner. All four goals have been lovely.

61 min These are really important goals for Portugal, and leave the Ivory Coast's hopes hanging by the proverbial one. As it stands, they will not only need to beat North Korea and hope Portugal lose to Brazil, but they will need at least a six-goal swing in those games.

62 min "We had a Commodore Vic 20 until my granddad bought us an Atari 2600, the king of consoles," says Alex Warwick. "I'm still playing Pong now, and listening to music on my gramophone."

63 min Portugal are still looking for more goals, and Raul Meireles should have made it five. Ronaldo, on the right wing, played a stunning low reverse pass behind the defence for the marauding Meireles at the far post, but he screws his left-footed shot wide from eight yards. He should have scored.

65 min After a nice lay off from Hong Yong Jo, Kim Kum Il blasts a left-footed shot a few yards over from the edge of the box.

66 min "Did somebody say there weren't enough goals being scored in this World Cup?" says Kat Petersen. Actually, has it overtaken Italia 90 on average goals per game yet?

67 min "I wonder if the live broadcast in North Korea is suddenly experiencing technical difficulties," says Will Davies.

68 min Another missed chance, this time from Coentrao. He charged down the left, played it down the line to Ronaldo and then ran infield for a beautifully weighted return. He was at the corner of the six-yard box, with the keeper Ri Myong Guk sliding towards him; he clipped it up and over Ri Myong Guk on the run, but it drifted a few yards wide of the far post. I don't know if he can defend, but going forward Coentrao has been a revelation.

69 min Almeida is booked for dissent.

70 min Raul Meireles, who has played splendidly, is replaced by Miguel Veloso.

71 min Ronaldo hits the bar for the second consecutive game. He came infield from the left, past a couple of defenders and then cracked a stunning, swirling shot across goal that rammed off the top of the bar.

72 min Portugal have played some gorgeous stuff at times today. A super reverse pass from Tiago (I think) finds Ronaldo on the charge inside the box, and his low first-time shot from a slight angle is fumbled clear by Ri Myong Guk.

73 min "Goals per game," begins Kyle Hill. "61 in 30 games, counting this one. Equals 2.033, so not yet." The rate usually goes down in the knockout stages, so it'd better get a jump on. Spain scoring 19 tonight will help.

74 min Another Portuguese substitution: Duda replaces Simao.

75 min "Fifa-sponsored ice cream lady walking around Greenpoint Stadium somewhat optimistically," says Sukaina. "It's about 10 degrees and pouring with rain. We want hot chocolate!"

76 min Another North Korean substitution: Nam Song Chol replaces Cha Jong Hyok.

77 min "From the conspiracy dept: any chance Ronaldo will get a yellow during the last 15 mins?" says Thomas Krantz. If he's got a brain he will – insert your own joke here – but only if they score two more to make it an eight-goal swing.

78 min Portugal replace Hugo Almeida with Liedson. The game is drifting to sleep. I'm surprised Portugal aren't pushing for more goals. Don't they know about Scotland against Zaire in 1974!

80 min Jong Tae Se's scuffed shot almost comes to Hong Yong Jo, a couple of yards from goal, but Eduardo gets there a split-second before him.

GOAL! Portugal 5-0 North Korea (Liedson 81) Liedson scores with what I think is his first touch. Coentrao's low cross from the left went straight to Ri Kwang Chon at the near post, but he made a total balls of his clearance; it bounced up behind him, invitingly for Liedson, and hammered it into the roof of the net from six yards with his left foot.

82 min So now Portugal have a three-point, seven-goal advantage over the Ivory Coast, who are hanging from the precipice by little more than a nostril hair.

85 min Just to clarify: if Ronaldo is booked now he would miss the Brazil game but have a clean slate for the knockout stages, presuming Portugal get there. Ordinarily you would say that Portugal would want to win the group to avoid Spain, yet there's now every chance that Spain will qualify in second (if they even qualify).

86 min "Well, does Deco get a game against Brazil's second eleven?" asks Ken Danbury. I wouldn't let him near the team. The midfield three have worked extremely well today, particularly Meireles surging from deep.

GOAL! Portugal 6-0 North Korea (Ronaldo 87) Ronaldo finally gets his goal, after inadvertently juggling the ball on his neck. I think he was offside when Liedson robbed a defender, not that many people will care given the scoreline. The ball ran through towards the edge of the box, where the keeper Ri Myong Guk slid in feet first. It bounced up onto Ronaldo's neck as his momentum made him topple forward, and then onto his head. He seemed to have no idea what was going on until the ball suddenly appeared by his right foot, so he did the decent thing, sidefooting the dropping ball into the empty net.

GOAL! Portugal 7-0 North Korea (Tiago 89) This is cruel. The marvellous Coentrao crossed from the left edge of the box and Tiago, jumping almost backwards on the penalty spot, flicked a very accomplished header across goal and it kicked up off the turf to beat the dive of Ri Myong Guk. It's Tiago's second goal, and he has played brilliantly.

90 min "North Korean TV announces 'Korea wins 7-0'," says Ian Copestake. Ivory Coast now need a nine-goal swing to go through. Sven will probably tell them to keep it tight and reappraise at half-time.

Full time: Portugal 7-0 North Korea To think that Portugal had trouble scoring goals in qualification. They were utterly ruthless here, scoring six in the second half and almost certainly sealing a place in the knockout stages. It's the second biggest victory in the World Cup since Hungary smashed El Salvador 10-1 in 1982 (the other was Germany 8-0 Saudi Arabia in 2002). Thanks for your emails; bye.