The rumor mill has been a buzz in recent months with gossip that Beyonce Knowles-Carter is queen of the Illuminati. She, Jay-Z, and their ilk are a secret society hiding in plain sight and throwing up random hand triangles just to taunt you about it. They’ve sacrificed it all for stardom, but now it’s their world and we just live in it. For those who buy into the theory of the Illumanti’s existence, we are all just minions quietly watching the Super Bowl of life while Queen Bey holds her court. And also, Paul McCartney has been dead since before Abbey Road came out and I’ve got some beachfront property on the moon to sell you. Oh wait, no I don’t… because we’ve never been to the moon. Don’t you know that whole thing happened on an old Lost in Space soundstage on the Paramount lot?

YouTube is rife with rudimentary videos exposing the ultra-super secrets of the world’s most elite ultra-super secret society. I watched a few, with a critical eye of course, to learn more about the secrets of those who taunt us in our naïveté by endlessly singing about “making it rain”… allowing the world to think that the phrase simply means the act of throwing dollar bills at a stripper when it’s actually an allusion to controlling our feeble little minds.

1. Illuminati Hip Hop Blood Sacrifices Exposed

In “Illuminati Hip Hop Blood Sacrifices Exposed,” one particularly grievous member of Public Enemy calls out some of his industry peers for eschewing their loved ones in exchange for fame and fortune that exceeds the $20 million mark. So basically if you make $19 mil and under, you’re golden; but if you are a Somebody in hip-hop and you want that extra milestone you have to pay the price by sacrificing a person whom you love.

This video, like many Illuminati conspiracy vids, has two major soundtracks: creepy background music and Eminem songs. Popular culture of recent has associated Beyonce as the most visibly active Illuminati member, but this video tells another story. And that story is basically the plot of 8 Mile. Or one would think, I never saw it.

But back to Bey. This video actually doesn’t even mention Yonce at all. It does mention her husband Jay-Z and the tragic loss of his nephew as his sacrifice for fame, even though he was already incredibly famous when this tragedy occurred. It also alleges that Kanye West gave up his mother in exchange for the success of the song “Lucifer,” which he produced for Hova. But the video totally discounts both the absolute awesomeness of “Lucifer” as the best hip-hop song of… ever (seriously, it’s so good), and the fact that the song was featured in the pilot of the epic bro-down that was Entourage. And if we are demonizing things here for glorifying the cult of celebrity, I say we pick Entourage instead.

The majority of this video is very reaching (Dr. Dre’s tragic 2008 loss of his son as his sacrifice for the fame he acquired a whole two decades prior, Damon Dash was responsible for the death of Aaliyah, Irv Gotti tried to knock off Ashanti, of course Tupac and Suge Knight, and the most vile allegation, that Jennifer Hudson had a hand in the tragic murders of her mother and brother in exchange for fame and a Weight Watchers sponsorship) but there were a few things that did make me go “hmm.” The tragic shooting death of Eminem’s friend and collaborator Proof, an event that Em foretold in a music video several years prior, is a pretty compelling coincidence. They also tell a strange story of the death of a musician friend and collaborator of a then unknown Stefani Germonatta. The world was introduced to Lady Gaga just months after the apparent suicide of this young, burgeoning artist whose image was pretty familiar, to say the least. “Hmm” indeed.

Based on the Gaga conspiracy alone, I give this one a B-.

Basically, the message of “Illuminati Message Superbowl 2013” we have all suspected for years but have yet to say out loud. Not only is Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child the worst member of that group… but she is also actually the anti-Christ. And she has big plans to get revenge for all the bullshit we’ve put her through and also all the crap Tina Knowles has forced her to wear. And she is doing it, Terminator style, during the Super Bowl 2013. No wonder she was so allusive about whether or not she would be appearing in the half time show.

“Destiny’s Child is a reference to the chosen one, the son of perdition, the anti-christ!” (sic) this video claims. Its basis is the fact that the group recorded a new song called “Nuclear,” some numerology nonsense, and some apocalyptical bullshit Reagan was on during a televised presidential debate when he was still relevant. Oh, and because Beyonce is queen of the Illuminati. Madonna knows it, she even told Anderson Cooper all about it. Not even President Obama in his honorary Colts jersey can save us now. The Sandy Hook tragedy and its impact on gun control laws are also involved. And Gabby Giffords. And apples. And alchemy. All sorts of alchemy. You were warned, guys.

Supposedly the presence of pure evil in the form of an R&B girl group was to set off a chain of actions during the Super Bowl that equated to nuclear warfare. This is all based on empirical evidence that the 49’ers are located in San Francisco where some gays live, and also because in some movie Morgan Freeman gets a call from Ben Affleck that the nuclear bomb is being dropped… when he just happens to be at a Baltimore Ravens game. Ravens, you guys, get it? They are all black and creepy. Just like the black out that happened right after D. Child left the stage. I bet the people behind this crazy video were shitting themselves in that moment. Except for the lights came back on, and it was business as usual from there on out.

Lots of creepy music in this video and none of it is performed by Eminem, so that is a plus. But its overall content is really disorganized and Jesus-y. I am not saying nuclear warfare isn’t something we shouldn’t be concerned about considering North Korea is testing that shit out, but I doubt Beyonce has anything to do with that. I am going to give it a C… for crazy.

For a more cognizant but still batshit account of the Knowles-Carter’s reign as the royal Illuminati family and the American religion of football (not a terrible argument in and of itself), watch here.

3. Whitney Houston Illuminati Sacrifice

This version of “Whitney Houston Illuminati Sacrifice” (there are a few) really brings the crazy. I mean, they are drawing some serious conclusions here regarding Madonna’s Super Bowl performance, Elton John in a Super Bowl commercial, Nicki Minaj’s weirdo Catholic Grammy outfit that year, some stuff the Pope did, the lighting of Jennifer Hudson’s tribute performance, Brandy Norwood’s birthday, Bobbi Kristina being Bobbi Kristina, Nancy Grace being alarmist and generally acting like Nancy Grace, and any time that Free Mason imagery and the number 11 could be related to prove that Illuminati killed Whitney as a Satanic sacrifice for the Queen’s Jubilee last year.

In this video, the Queen of the Illuminati is not Beyonce but rather the actual Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth II. And for some reason, the actual Queen wanted Whitney dead because… well, that’s not really explained. I just can’t see the Queen of England being like “Who’s that American singer that made those remarks about smoking crack? I feel like she is a threat that needs to be squashed. Get rid of her.”

The only leg they really have to stand on here is a clip of Whitney wildly interrupting a Brandy and Monica interview to give Brandy a weird note. She also makes some sort of comment about how she nearly “drowned again” while swimming. Here is what we know about the days and weeks leading up to Whitney’s death: she was dating Ray-J (Brandy’s brother) and she was getting fuuuucked up. So, really, this whole scenario is incredibly plausible to me. In fact, the most implausible thing about the whole event is the fact that it occurred during a Brandy and Monica interview. I can believe Whitney was acting irrationally in the days before her death which could possibly include endangering herself in bodies of water. I cannot believe that anyone gives a shit in this current day and age about Brandy or Monica.

Also the video makes a big deal about Bobbi Kristina’s claim that she nearly drowned in the bath just days prior to her mom’s death in the same fashion. How could the Illuminati even have anything to do with that? If anything, it’s a sign of the psychic bond shared by mothers and daughters that is almost always stronger when one of the parties is in danger.

I give this one a B-. It’s reaching; but it’s incredibly, over the top dramatic and I like that in a conspiracy theory. For even more drama on the topic, I give you this video as further viewing. It features the laugh out loud line “Still not convinced that this was a satanic ritual sacrifice? Chaka Khan is.” It also makes the implication that Madonna’s Kabbalah name “Esther” is a reference to the mother of the anti-Christ, and then, apropos of nothing, shows a really creepy image of Obama’s face. Are they saying our President is the anti-Christ and that Madonna is his mother, and for this Whitney Houston had to die? Just like a deranged vagrant rambling out loud at a bus stop, I could listen to this shit all day.

4. Illuminati — The Music Industry Exposed

The video “Illuminati — The Music Industry Exposed” is almost two full hours of mostly reading text on the screen so I didn’t get through the whole thing because I do have something of a life. And also, it’s largely about Eminem, and ain’t nobody got time for that. But there are some interesting (and ridiculous) points to this video that I will discuss.

Ever wonder why there are so many references to “making it rain,” “umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay,” and the “rain man”? Because it’s the Illuminati taunting you about their devil worship, silly. Hollywood created the movie Rain Man as a reaction to all this so the common person believes their favorite artists are singing about a Dustin Hoffman movie about Autism. No, really. They make that claim.

The video alleges that DMX is the way his is today because he betrayed the Illuminati. Just ask him. Don’t worry, the producers of this video already did. He’s got a lot to say on the subject but it’s highly doubtful that you care about any of it because it’s DMX. They also allege that Tupac and Michael Jackson were set up by the Illuminati, which to me is a bit more plausible. Also, they both died on the 25th day of the month along with Aaliyah, James Brown, Dean Martin, Eartha Kitt, and Left Eye; so something is clearly afoot because numerology!!! It’s a thing. Also, bad things happen in threes, including celebrity murders by the Illuminati.

The heavy emphasis of Eminem is too much for me, though. I could give two shits if Eminem is a member of the Illuminati, the KKK, or the local Blockbuster. Eminem’s angry and frustrated lyrics are reflections of his life, as they always have been. And although I personally find it grating and annoying, some might call it art.

Because of the high production value of this video and the allegation that Michael Jackson was sacrificed to Satan because he dared to interpretative dance defiantly in the “Black or White” music video, I am going to give this one a B+. Not because I believe it, in fact, it’s total bullshit, but it seems like bullshit that these people truly believe. They definitely take the offhanded remarks made by some artists way too literally. Just because the formerly evangelical Katy Perry says she “sold her soul to the devil” doesn’t necessarily mean she meant it in a literal sense. However, the image from the “Umbrella” video of Rihanna crouched down in a triangle with her body creating the image of the devil’s face is freaky. That alone is worth seeing.

People love to conspire on some shit they can’t readily and fully explain: the assassination of JFK, 9/11, and most recently the Sandy Hook tragedy have all been scrutinized to death. And it makes sense some small-minded people might need to make the so-called “cult of celebrity” into a real cult to justify the influence that we allow these few people to take in our lives. However, in these videos there is a lot of logical fallacy at play. They present a lot of correlation, but not a lot of causation.

But the thing is, there really is an actual celebrity cult with honest, out-in-the-open members, doing legitimately crazy shit — under the guise of religion. Scientology, you guys? Come on! We need to be focusing our critical energy on what is going on there rather than during Beyonce’s Super Bowl performance.