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And away we go again. Yet another Black person gets shot for dubious reasons and his slaying isn’t seen to be much of an issue by our judicial system. The trial to indict Officer Darren Wilson went very much like the trial of George Zimmerman, which went very much like the trial to indict the officers who killed that cosplaying kid in Utah. This stuff reads less like a series of bad verdicts and more like an episode of ABC’s How to Get Away with Murder. Step one: Establish fear for one’s life by pointing at black person. Step two: Jazz hands.

However, rather than sift through the clearly made up and mostly ridiculous testimony like Ezra Klein at Vox did or talk about how colossally screwed up the trial was like Salon did, I wanted to point out a different thread running through all of these various incidents of seemingly senseless violence and totally nonsensical testimony. Black people apparently have superpowers — and we now have enough jury-accepted testimony to prove it.

That’s right: using contemporary news reports, and eyewitness accounts, I can prove that Blacks in America aren’t actually human beings. We are jive-talking, shit starting, members of a race of Meta-Humans whose powers are as vast as they are varied. Some powers are subtle while others are so obvious it’s a wonder how the mainstream media hasn’t clued you into this. But here are the Top 5 Super Powers possessed by Black people.

5.) Hyper linguistic Badassery – Black people have this innate ability to say the most amazing/awesome shit. Particularly just before they’re about to be murdered. According to their murderers at least. For example, Trayvon Martin yelling “You Gonna Die Tonight” at George Zimmerman. This despite the fact that it was Mr. Martin who was stalked by a man with a gun. Michael Brown himself was “No Angel” when it comes to shit talking. According to Officer Wilson, Mr. Brown responded to pleasant suggestions to walk on the sidewalk with “FUCK WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!” Later in the altercation, when Officer Wilson goes for his gun, Brown, now in full Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction mode, goes “YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING PUSSY TO SHOOT ME!”

Now if you’re thinking that’s not how human beings converse in real life, you’d be right. Also one questions how there’s even one black person anywhere in this country who thinks any police officer, let alone one he or she, is currently scuffling with, is too pussy to shoot them. Particularly when said cop is reaching for his gun? But remember, Michael Brown isn’t human. So don’t ascribe too many human characteristics to him. He’s a Meta-Human and henceforth will be treated as such.

And for all those who are thinking that this isn’t much of a power:

a.) We’re just getting warmed up. &

b.) You’re crazy!

Imagine if you always had the perfect gangsta phrase ready for any and all situations. Last week I was in a meeting discussing my frustrations with another department. I said something to the effect of that department having a penchant for doing things the hard way. But what I should have done was put on my sunglasses and said “Some mutherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.” Much better right? But being that I’m not Wesley Snipes from the Blade franchise, it never occurred to me.

4.) Superspeed – Let’s go back to Trayvon Martin. According to George Zimmerman, accessing the Speedforce was the first overt superpower Mr. Martin demonstrated that fateful night. So the two of them exchange words at a distance of 100 feet (about 30.5 meters). Then in the moment it takes for Florida Man to check his phone (Let’s say 1.5 seconds), Martin traverses that distance and delivers a blow powerful enough to break his nose and knock him off of his feet. Let’s break that down a little more for the appropriate context. The world record in the hundred meter dash is 9.58 seconds and currently held by Usain Bolt (about 10.4 meters per second). At that speed, it would take Usain Bolt just under 3 seconds to cross the distance between Mr. Martin and Mr. Zimmerman. So Martin is at least twice as fast as the fastest human alive. Throw in the fact that Bolt runs on special rubberized made track and is wearing a tracksuit that reduces drag and custom made lightweight sneakers. Trayvon Martin preformed this amazing feat of speed on rain-soaked ground wearing a hoodie; which aren’t exactly known for their aerodynamic properties. Super-speed: absolutely unquestionable at that point.

3.) Super Agility/Dimensional Pockets – Back in 2012 Chavis Carter of Arkansas was involved in a routine traffic stop. When it was revealed that he had an outstanding warrant he was arrested, handcuffed, searched twice and placed in the back of a squad car. Now here’s where the powers come in. Despite having no weapons and his hands cuffed behind his back, Mr. Carter apparently committed suicide by shooting himself in the back of the head. The medical examiner ruled the case a suicide no doubt because it’s well-known that black people are quadruple-jointed. To say nothing of their assholes doubling as Dungeons & Dragons style bags of holding.

And lest you think he’s the only one with such a power. It happened again in Louisiana. This time however the suspect shot himself in the chest after being arrested, searched and handcuffed from behind. That is both Spectacular and Amazing.

2.) Hulking Up – Superhuman strength and invulnerability. This particular power set was most recently demonstrated by Michael Brown during his altercation with Officer Wilson. It was actually called bulking up by Officer Wilson but clearly he meant the way Bruce Banner transforms into a 900 pound rage monster affectionately known as the Jade Giant. First of all, despite the fact that they both could be described as imposing figures who stand at the height of 6’4”, Officer Wilson was nothing compared to the sheer Meta-Human might that is was Michael Brown. Officer Wilson stated that he was “like a five year-old wrestling Hulk Hogan” and he feared that one punch “could be fatal…” But the Hulking-Up didn’t stop there. Bet you never realized that by sheer force of anger Black people can shrug off bullets. Well according to Officer Wilson that’s exactly what he feared was happening.

Everyone knows that puny bullets only make Hulk angry. And last but not least, I present to you the greatest of all the Black Super Powers.

1.) The Ability to Instill Great Fear – for persons of color inspiring suspicion and fear are par for the course. This is true regardless of circumstance. Let’s go back to Trayvon Martin once again. What kind of a person wears a hoodie when it’s cold and rainy? Sounds pretty sketchy right? I mean yeah, my mother-in-law wears hoodies as well. But she’s nordic-looking middle aged lady with a doctorate. Somehow though, through the power of the Black, the hoodie itself seems so much more… sinister. So now that we’ve established that dressing in the least fancy manner possible (i.e hoodies) is cause for suspicion when certain people wear them, let’s look at the opposite. Sadly, it turns out, purchasing nice things is also grounds for suspicion.

Say you want to buy yourself a $350 Salvatore Feragamo belt at Barneys. Turns out that’s buying things with you own hard-earned cash can raise more than a few eyebrows. Actor Rob Brown aroused many similar suspicions when trying to buy a $1,000 Movado watch for his mom. You do see how that’s suspicious right? Yes he’s got a show on HBO. Yes he’s appeared in movies opposite Sean Connery. But where exactly does a person like that get THAT kind of money. It simply had to be a stolen credit card…that matched his ID. Good thing he was detained.

Honorable mention goes to these men for instilling fear wherever they may go:

Earl Watson- arrested 62 times for trespassing while (ominously) appearing at his own job.

Bobby Wingate – arrested for scarily walking on the wrong side of the street.

Raliek Redd, Deaquon Carelock, and Wan’Tauhjs Weathers – three teenagers who were arrested for waiting on a school bus in the most frightening way possible.

Garrick and Carl Hopkins – killed by their neighbor for having the gall to frighten him by inspecting their own property. Their neighbor/murderer thought they were breaking into his property. That’s why he shot them both dead and then called the police.

Black men of Earth, you have the ability to instill great fear. Welcome to the Sinestro Corps!

Now as fun as it would be to keep delineating Meta-human power after Meta-human power possessed by Black people, this actually points toward something quite serious. Namely that studies show that people actually do associate us with superhuman attributes. Combine that with the general level of mistrust associated with blackness and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Why wouldn’t the NYPD open fire on crazy yet unarmed Times Square dude? Why wouldn’t a South Carolina highway patrolman approach a routine traffic stop with his gun cocked and ready? Failure to wear a seatbelt would clearly lead to a gun fight — in that policeman’s mind, at least. Why ever take a chance with non-lethal force when those people can move faster than the Flash, shrug off bullets like the Hulk, and kill a man with one punch?

Lets do a quick recap. We have laws written so broadly that all citizens (whether working in law enforcement or otherwise) have to do to commit justifiable homicide is establish fear for one’s life. Combine that with our dehumanization of black bodies. All the space we’d typically reserve for recognition of important aspects of other human beings like hopes, fears, dreams, and even basic human empathy has been replaced with something else entirely. A series of Meta-human attributes that makes us somehow more than and less than human at the same time.

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Categories: Geekery, Politics Fix