Date: 18th November, 2031

Occasion: Last match of the “243rd ODI series” between India and Sri Lanka.

Venue: Presentation, Chinnaswamy Stadium, Bengaluru.

Ravi shastri (yes, it’s still him): Now I’d like to invite the living legend, the man who has played for India for over 20 years, Viraaaaat Kohli! (Kohli walks up to the stage). Virat, the mike is all yours!

Virat Kohli: Thank you, Ravi. All my friends and foes, settle down, I will get more and more aggressive talking.. (crowd cheers louder. This frustrates Kohli). I said shut the f**k up! (Crowd immediately goes silent) I’d like to thank a few people who stood by me all these years, supported me, understood that it’s just the way I am, every time I showed the middle-finger and gracefully moved on. I’ve created a list also (he chuckles), but if I forget someone, please understand that it IS deliberate, intentional and you deserve to be ignored.

First of all, I thank my mom and dad. My mother, I don’t know how she dealt with such a foul mouthed child like me. I was not easy to manage. She just prayed and prayed for me, and while I don’t think her prayers and blessings have sweetened my tongue, but they most definitely have given me the strength to go out and perform, so a big thank you to my mother for all the sacrifices.

My brother Vikash, now what do I talk about him? I don’t know. He was the one who spotted the spark in me. You will find this hard to believe but even last night he called to discuss my dismissal, and continued to chatter until I told him ‘bencho, ab so jaa’, but that’s just the habit we have developed, the rapport we have developed, since my birth, has continued and it will continue. Maybe when I’m not playing cricket we will still be discussing technique.

Next I thank all the women I have… er… been friends with, which continuously motivated me to play well, both on and off the field. I thank all the brands like Pepsi, Royal Challenge, Fastrack and more who believed in me and offered me crores of money for a small bullsh*t 10 second ad. Seriously, thank you guys, you boosted my morale. And thank you Anushka Sharma. Most important of all, I thank BCCI for setting up SO MANY India-Sri Lanka matches all through my career without which my century count would be half as much. I thank all the Sri Lankan bowlers for making my journey so memorable.

During my career, I played with some incredible bowlers like Ishant Sharma and Vinay Kumar who helped the opposition set up huge targets so I could chase them down and hit more centuries. So, I thank all those bowlers who are indirectly, actually directly, responsible for me being a legend today. So thank you, Lambu. (waves at Ishant)

In my school days, when I performed well, the media backed me a lot. They continue to do that till this morning. Thank you so much to the media for supporting and appreciating my performances. It surely had a positive effect on me. A big thank you to all the photographers for those wonderfully captured moments, except the guy who clicked me flipping the bird in Australia. To him I say f**k you (shows middle finger, and the crowd roars.)

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and also say that time has flown by rather quickly, but the memories you have left with me will always be with me forever and ever, especially that “Kohli Kohli” and that “boooooo” which will reverberate in my ears till I stop breathing. Thank you very much. If I’ve missed something, I hope you understand that it’s intentional. Thank you!

(URT: Just kidding Virat. We love you!)