RIO REFUSES TO TAKE UP THE MANTELPIECE

They'll be uncorking the bubbly in the Caulker household tonight, readers! Yes, congratulations to the Tottenham Hotspur defender Steven Caulker, who has been called up from the England Under-21s to join Mr Roy's senior squad for the upcoming World Cup qualifiers against San Marino and Montenegro. What a couple of years it's been for the young lad, who scored on his England debut against Sweden in November. And since he'll be competing with Gary Cahill, Joleon Lescott and Chris Smalling, there's a good chance he'll get another start in an England shirt this week. Tremendous stuff.

The Man coughs loudly from just behind The Fiver's head.

The Man grasps the back of The Fiver's seat and swivels it around at speed.

[…]

[…]

The Fiver wipes the last flecks of regurgitated Freddo from The Man's brogues and climbs back into its seat.

A brief discussion about missing the point of the story becomes a lengthy discussion about news sense and the provenance of the Level 3 typing certificate that passes for The Fiver's CV.

The Fiver wipes the last salty tears from The Man's lapel and climbs back into its seat.

Ahem. Rio Ferdinand has withdrawn from the England squad, citing a "detailed pre-planned training and medical programme" – what you might call a footballing reason – for his decision. "I'm gutted I had to pull out of the England squad, but it was the right decision for my intricate pre-planned programme," he tweeted, failing to explain the differences between a programme, a planned programme or indeed a "pre-planned programme" as a team of Manchester United physios gently massaged two of his fingers in to an upright position. "It was important for me to be able to speak with [Mr] Roy face to face," he went on, sadly stopping short of adding, "so that I could see the look on it when I told him."

"It is disappointing that I won't be able to play a part in the upcoming games," said the man whose attention to detail is so meticulous he once completely forgot to turn up for a regulation drug test. "but I told [Mr] Roy that I want to continue to be available for England and I look forward to working with him in the future."

After frantic but unsuccessful efforts to programme the DeLorean to 15 May 2012, or even last week, when he could simply have picked up the phone and talked to Ferdinand, Mr Roy is faithfully playing his part in this sorry charade. "I'm disappointed that Rio will not be available," he said, whispering "Line!" at an FA lackey before adding, "but due to the detailed pre-planned training and medical programme he must follow it's not possible," he continued, failing to explain the differences between a programme, a planned programme or indeed a "pre-planned programme".

"It was important to hear from him personally about the way he must manage his body between games," the England manager said, only very slightly implying that somebody else's empurpled snout might be truffling about in all of this. "I must place on record how I was impressed with his commitment to playing for England and I look forward to hopefully selecting him for squads in the future," he finished, taking several layers of enamel off his back teeth. This shadow boxing could go on for some time. Anyone want some Steven Caulker stats?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I grew up with Eamonn Dolan at Arsenal. We used to play in the youth team together and he was always staying round my parents' house at weekends. He's a good lad who knows his football and when he talks, you listen" - Paul Merson pays tribute to his boyhood friend the Reading caretaker manager Eamonn Dolan, who never played in Arsenal's youth team. His twin brother Pat Dolan, on the other hand ... oh, Merse.

FIVER LETTERS

"I noted Roberto Mancini getting into the spirit of Comic Relief by wearing a red nose at his press conference on Friday. It's a shame Manchester United manager Lord Ferg can never be bothered doing the same. Oh" - Mark Sutton.

"Re: recent Fiver Letters correspondence about weed-growing (Friday's Fiver Letters). Should they wish to know more about growing the 'other' grass, perhaps readers should go here. The information is unbiased, maturely presented ... ah, nevermind" - Alex Cowell.

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"In these days of the modern footballer isolated from the common fan in a bubble of money, fame, celebrity, wags and agents, can I just congratulate Peter Odemwingie on representing what a fan really would be like as a footballer. He makes me proud to be a football supporter. Not a West Brom one mind you" - Noble Francis.

"So Zlatan Ibrahimovic is suspended for the first leg of the Barcelona-PSG tie. Great news for the Swedish babbler! This way he will finally have a perfect excuse for being invisible on the pitch during an important Big Cup match" - Bogdan Kotarlic.

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BITS AND BOBS

FA blazers will study all the available TV footage of the studs-up Callum McManaman lunge that knacked Newcastle's Massadio Haïdara before deciding if retrospective action can be brought against the Wigan striker, who may or may not be that kind of player. As far as the Fiver can tell, nobody really seems sure.

Naughty Watford have been placed under transfer embargo and their former owner Laurence Bassini banned from football for three years for honesty-knack, but the Championship club has avoided a fine or points deduction.

Inter have been charged over the racist behaviour of their fans in last week's Big Vase match against Tottenham Hotspur and could face a very small fine when their case is heard on 19 April.

Closer to home, two West Ham fans have been arrested over racially-aggravated public order offences following yesterday's match against Chelsea, during which coins and an over-priced hot-dog were thrown at Frank Lampard and Plain Old John Terry.

The Times has admitted last week's exclusive about the state of Qatar proposing a new summer tournament was a load of cobblers from a dodgy source. "If we get it wrong, we will hold our hands up and admit it," wrote football editor Tony Evans, who wouldn't last 10 seconds in Fiver Towers with that kind of attitude.

Lee "Son of Yeovil boss Gary" Johnson, 31, has become the youngest manager in the Football League after being appointed by League One strugglers Oldham Athletic and will face his father in the opposing dugout at Boundary Park if he manages to keep his job until 16 April.

And a swarm of bees that set up shop on one of the crossbars delayed the kick off in a game between Ponte Preta and Atletico Sorocaba at the Moisés Lucarelli stadium in Brazil on Saturday. Exterminators used flame, smoke, chemicals a ladder and what looked suspiciously like a black bin-bag to make them buzz off. We'd have put this in our temporarily defunct Recommended Viewing section, except HTML pedant Matt Derby didn't bother explaining how to put his tagging advice in to practice.

STILL WANT MORE?

Press Association reporter Simon Peach's expert knowledge of where to stand on the platform at Southampton Central train station so you'll be in front of a door when the train pulls up was one of many fascinating nuggets that failed to make today's Premier League: 10 Talking Points From The Weekend Action.

March in the American mid-west must be a dull time of year, if the length of this epic Serie A round-up is anything to go by. Our man with way too much time on his hands: Paolo Bandini.

Daniel Taylor is so shrewd and mystic that he wrote and published this column about the ramifications of Rio Ferdinand pulling out of the England squad two days before it happened. Spooky.

The monumental stupidity of two Celta Vigo players on and off the pitch ruined their club's first top flight Galician derby against Deportivco La Coruna in six years, writes Sid Lowe in his Spanish round-up.

And when he's not busy performing at children's parties as a Philipp Lahm lookalike, Sean Ingle likes to kick back by writing columns that say sacking the manager isn't always a good idea for relegation-threatened football clubs.

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