Dear Director Mayer,

I would like to thank you very much for considering my application to be added to Ivy Allen’s visitation list.

I do understand that visitation requests by former inmates are often denied, and for good reason. However, if I may, I would like to explain the circumstances around this particular request.

Your facility does outstanding work rehabilitating many women like myself, and preparing them for what’s ahead when they are released. I’m very grateful to the staff there for all they did for me during my time at your facility, and I continue to be grateful for all you’ve done for the other inmates as well.

As I know you are aware, Ivy is a recovering addict who, on occasion, still struggles with her addiction. Making connections with others is a challenge for her, and my concern is that she lacks a strong support system to help her through the remainder of her sentence. During our time together, she and I formed a very strong bond. And now that I —

Ugh! That sounds like garbage, doesn’t it?! I can’t send that to him!

Every time I try writing this stupid letter, it just comes out… wrong.

The prison director and I always got along pretty well… Or at least, as well as an inmate and director can? So that probably helps a little bit. But a former inmate getting visitation approval is hard. Not impossible, but probably pretty close.

Katie told me she had to apply three times before he finally approved her to come see me and Ivy. And she says the difference was that she sent a letter with her third application. “Just be honest,” she told me. “He might listen… The guy’s got a soft side.”

But I don’t even know what to say. She says to ‘be honest’ like that’s so easy.

How am I supposed to tell him how worried I am about Ivy? That every time we talk on the phone, it feels like I’m losing her more and more?

It’s been almost two months since I got out. And a lot of things are getting a little easier, I guess… But things with Ivy definitely aren’t. She’s finally started opening up a little more about how she’s feeling… And I really don’t like what I’ve heard.

About a week ago, she finally admitted to me how lonely she feels. How lost. “But maybe this is how it’s supposed to be,” she said. She called it “karma”. Which is absolute bullshit! And I told her that much too.

I don’t think she really meant it… But I guess it’s hard to say. We talked again yesterday, and she totally blew it off like it was no big deal. “I was just having a bad day,” she told me.

Yeah, maybe. But the problem is, almost every day’s a ‘bad day’ for her, from the sound of it.

She’s kinda going back to a dark place, I think. It’s one she doesn’t really talk about much. And even in all the time we were together, she still never told me everything. There were glimpses though… Hints that things went even deeper than she let on.

I’m just worried about how this might fuck her up, y’know? She’s made so much progress with Dr. S… What if she ends up like, backsliding or something? Feeling depressed, or getting more cravings?

Or what if she already has?

I know I’ve been worrying about her a lot lately. But I can’t help it. She’s one of my best friends in the world.

And…

And maybe more than that.

That’s another thing I can’t be honest to Director Mayer about. I mean hell, I’ve barely been honest with myself about it either.

And believe it or not, this time it wasn’t Katie who helped me figure it out.

It was Devin.

I was grabbing some drinks with him and Rylie after one of her shows, and they were asking me about how Ivy’s doing. They know I’ve been kinda worried lately about my ‘fuck buddy’, as Rylie so charmingly likes to call her. I don’t think she ever really understood how much Ivy means to me. But then again, why should she? I’ve never really talked about her as anything more than my friend I used to screw around with.

But Dev’s always known, I think. And while Rylie was back at the bar grabbing us some more drinks, he gave me this little smile and asked “Does she know?”.

At first, I thought he was talking about Rylie or something… But he told me he meant Ivy.

“I can tell by the way you talk about her,” he said. And then he asked again — Does she know?

I didn’t even have to ask him what he meant.

And it was a great question… Does she know? I’ve come so close to telling her, so many times. But I was always too afraid.

I know she and I agreed we weren’t gonna put labels on anything between us. And I’d promised we would just be friends once I got out… But god damn it, Dev’s right.

I love her. I love her so much. She’s everything to me.

And I’ve gotta tell her. She needs to know how I feel. And she needs to know that I’m always gonna be here for her, no matter what. And that I’ll wait for her, for as long as it takes.

Maybe knowing that would help… Unless she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

That’s probably what I’m most afraid of. What if I’m really nothing more than just a friend to her? What if it was really just about the sex when we were together?

I guess there’s only one way for me to find out. But it’s something I have to do in person… Which is why this letter to the director is so damn important.

I have to see her again. I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t… I need her so much. Maybe more than I’ve ever needed anybody. And I know she needs me too. I can feel it.

So I guess I’ll give that letter another try, and hope for the best.

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A very Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates (and Happy Sunday if you don’t!). Luckily for you guys, I decided not to trick you all with an April Fools chapter 😛