STOCKTON, CA—Displaying great courage in the face of looming catastrophe, electrician Tyler Pendleton narrowly averted the complete collapse of society Tuesday by honking his horn at a car that had paused briefly at a green light. “Jesus Christ, you dipshit!” Pendleton said as part of his selfless defense of our greatest ideals, underscoring and reinforcing his horn’s furious, arrhythmic honking and almost certainly preventing a massive traffic jam that would have inevitably ripped asunder the very fabric of civilization. “It’s green, you idiot, come on! Get off your damn phone and keep your eyes on the road! God, nobody in this fucking city knows how to drive.” Having single-handedly restored order after our very way of life teetered for five breathless seconds on the brink of chaos, the ever-vigilant Pendleton immediately threw himself back into the defense of all that is good and pure by tailgating a motorist who was hampering the progress of all humankind by driving only five miles per hour above the posted speed limit.

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