I feel like I have written variations of these words hundreds of times over the last few years; too many times I have typed them to online friends who have just lost their child in pregnancy or stillbirth. I strive to find the right words to comfort the newly bereaved, knowing words are never enough but they are all I have to work with.

Dear New Loss Mother,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Whether you knew you were pregnant for a few days, a few weeks, carried to term a baby that was born still, or lost your sweet child any time after birth, that was your child that was lost. I grieve with you the loss of your beloved child, the loss of your hopes for your child, and the loss of the future you envisioned for your child.

Your emotions are likely all over the place and that is understandable. Over the coming days, you will experience a range of emotions. Forget what you learned in high school psychology; grief does not have linear defined stages. You may find yourself angry one minute, depressed the next, and you will discover that numb is an emotion too. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. Don’t deny those feelings but let yourself experience them as they come up.

I will ask you to fight one feeling, though, and that is the feeling of guilt. Almost every loss mother I have spoken with tries to blame herself, at least a little. If only I had called the doctor sooner, stayed on progesterone longer, taken this medication or stopped that medication. Those “if only’s” will crush your soul if you let them.

You did the best you could. No one could have loved your child more than you. You are not to blame. It is not your fault.

I know you are arguing with me already. I’ve argued with that sentiment too, desperate to find something or someone to blame, even if it’s myself. But you didn’t cause your baby’s death. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. Please take those words to heart and remind yourself of them during the dark times.

I wish I could give you a timetable of when the dark times will end and you will start to feel more like the old you. The reality is that you will never go back to being the “old” you but you will find a new you over time. The process won’t be linear. Even two years out from my last loss, there are times the grief takes a stranglehold on my heart. But the times do go fewer and farther between.

Allow yourself the time to grieve and the freedom to grieve. Don’t try to rush the process. Most especially, don’t allow others to rush you. Surround yourself with those who will support you in your grief, whether it is family, friends or online support. Those who ask you if you are “over it yet” can be (not so) politely told to do unspeakable acts with farm implements to themselves. There are some things that you never “get over” and losing a child certainly tops that list. Distance yourself from those that just don’t understand and aren’t capable of empathy.

Allow yourself to be “selfish” in your grief. Too often we women put pressure on ourselves to always be there for others and put ourselves last. This is the time to put yourself first. Don’t let others push you to do things you aren’t ready for, like attending baby showers. Protect your heart from unnecessary pain and free yourself from feeling guilty over skipping family events that just serve to highlight your loss.

Be gentle with yourself. Do not expect yourself to carry on with life as normal. There may be days where breathing is all you can accomplish. And if you made it through that day, then you did well. Understand that grief can affect you in ways you may not expect, like a lack of focus. Set your expectations of yourself low.

Grieve with your husband, when possible. He is grieving too, so encourage him to grieve with you.. It may be a generalization that men are “fixers” but it is often true. So your husband may be feeling helpless that he can’t fix this. So tell him how to help you grieve, whether that’s just to hold you while you cry or to help you plan a memorial.

Above all, seek out those who will support you in expressing your grief, for as long as you need. Find a safe place where you can let those feelings out. Find support with your friends, a local support group or join an online support group. There is a sisterhood of women who have experienced a loss like yours who will sit with you in your grief. It seems simple but there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. We grieve with you.