The dilemma I don’t know whether it is my fault that my father doesn’t seem to respect or like me. We were close when I was a child (I’m 23 now) and I drifted away from him during adolescence. I cannot put my finger on why, except perhaps I became more girly and less relatable to him. I am an only child and am very close to my mum. I am often a disappointment to him, but I cannot see my mistakes coming. I’m envious when my friends’ dads say they look lovely or when I see how tenderly the fathers of the children I babysit treat their wives and kids. Dad refers to my mum as bonkers, hopeless, waste of bloody space, mad bat, bloody useless, or just “ya mum” (“Where’s ya mum gone now?!”) or often just “woman”…

Mariella replies He’s a charmer! As you’ve made clear, your dad doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve. How sad that the two of you are both trapped in patterns of behaviour that lock each other out. It’s guesswork my end, but it ’s no understatement to say that your father struggles with his emotional side. He’s not alone among his sex in finding it an embarrassment to let down his guard, particularly with the two women in his life. If he treated you more tenderly he’d be showing you he cares about you, and what a Pandora’s box that would open, eh?!

Your father is a perfect stereotype of unreconstructed manhood, illustrating why there is much to do in furthering the male/female balance in today’s world. Despite some 70 years of full-on feminist rhetoric, we still bring up boys to be emotionally buttoned up and girls to remain painfully vulnerable to any emotional undercurrent. This male inability to express vulnerability, admit to weakness or talk honestly about feelings is the greatest obstacle to real emancipation and pervades the corridors of power and politics across the globe. How can we resolve the biggest issues of our time when the world is primarily run by a gender that struggles to communicate basic emotions? Love, fear, affection, sadness, depression and isolation are buried under a veneer of ability and control. It must be as exhausting for men as it is for the opposite sex.

Responding to this pervasive cultural pressure to behave in a “manly” manner, my small foundation thegreatinitiative.org.uk created a pilot project in London devoted to encouraging young men to see women as friends, not foes; to showing that an emotional life is a far richer one, and that women’s ability to show weakness, far from being worthy of disparagement, can actually be a strength. Great Men Value Women works in schools training class ambassadors to host group talks where boys get to discuss their real feelings. Early findings suggest that it’s not only popular but creating positive change, and the most common emotion expressed by the boys in the pilot project is relief at being allowed to “open up”.

That’s no help to your dad, who’s beyond their impressionable age. He’s your full unreconstructed behemoth, and when you are judging his feelings towards you it’s very important that you keep that in mind. Every term he uses about your mum is an emotionally distancing one. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her; in fact it makes it far more likely that he does. He simply can’t express himself in anything other than isolating, self-protective terms. I’m sure your dad also loves you, but he really doesn’t know how to manage or express it. He’s a product of his time and an example of why we need to make the world a more female-shaped place.

Society accepts fathers who are “soft” on their little girls, so he was more comfortable back then, but as you’ve become a mature adult that dynamic has changed and he’s clueless how to bridge what appears an insurmountable divide. The only way to cross that Empty Quarter is to improve communication – and that is going to be up to you. Would it help to think of him as a foreign language speaker, a person with whom just a little tutoring could open up a whole new world? Your dad won’t know he’s got a problem, let alone how to fix it. To develop a relationship between you that’s even half as rewarding as the one you have with your mum, you’ll have to soften him up. He’s like some tragic caged gorilla destined forever to be segregated from his family. For every gruff word he utters, respond with a welcoming one; encourage him towards you by expressing yourself to him in the way you’d like him to respond. Knowing that underneath that Billy Goat Gruff exterior lie all the emotional undercurrents you yearn for will hopefully make it worth the initial arduous steps.

You are definitely not unique, and watching other families from the outside very rarely gives a true picture – my husband and I were once so impressed by the caring, affectionate behaviour we witnessed in a visiting family that we resolved to end our incessant low-level bickering and behave in the manner of our guests. I’m afraid we failed, but as they separated within months of the visit their tenure as role models also ended! I haven’t the slightest shred of doubt your father is crazy about you and your mother; he just needs you to walk towards him with your arms open so he feels secure enough to tell you.



If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1