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Despite his best efforts, Betoota Heights Tim Brown has had a hard time netting himself a date lately.

Brown, an accountant and owner of an indie film critic blog, reveals that he’d been feeling especially shit over the holiday season as everyone, including his weird uncle Joe, appears to be shacked up except him.

“It’s been a bit lonely lately”, says Tim sheepishly.

“I can’t remember what it’s like to feel a human touch.”

“I was on a packed bus the other day and ended up being wedged between two people.”

“Almost started crying.”

However, Tim reveals he hit his lowest point when an encounter with a weak water bubbler left him blushing.

Located in front of The Betoota Heights Library, the bubbler reportedly had such a weak flow, those desperate for a drink had no other choice than to get up close and personal with the dribbling hole.

“Yeah it wasn’t ideal,” says Tim.

“I had to tongue punch it a few times.”

Though he continued to complain about the bubbler, Tim was reportedly seen returning to it multiple times that week.

More to come.