[TW Family trouble]

The reason we don’t talk is that you don’t listen, and you never have. To anyone.

You have been the boss everywhere you have worked since you were younger than me. You’ve been the “boss” in this house and when you had a kid that could go toe to toe with you in an argument, you turned up the volume. You never laid hands on anyone, and you never would.

But when you wonder why you’re the last person to find out about major changes, it’s because these days, I just don’t have the energy for the fight. I need every ounce I have to get through what I am doing right now.

Today was my Traniversary. It was a year ago today that I opened my eyes and took the first steps toward accepting myself.

I have thought about my future. It’s all I can think about because if I think about the past and the baggage there I will fall apart.

I have thought about the money. I’m being asked to risk a crappy part time job that with promotions into management caps out at half of what I would make starting out once I finish my degree against finishing my degree in two years rather than ten. I’ve fucking thought about the money.

Crying is not weakness. Shouting is not strength.

I would appreciate it if I was allowed to finish speaking.

“I don’t know” is an acceptable answer when you’re asking about my life five years from now.

“I don’t know” is an acceptable answer when you’re asking about my financial situation five years from now.

I’m not being “nitpicky” when I ask for clarification on a baseless, broad judgment of my character.

And my name is Autumn. I would appreciate it if you used it.

I would like to talk more. I would like our relationship to not be like this. I know you’re making an effort, and, in part, I resent that because I can’t bring myself to call it “close enough” when it’s not, and it would be easier for me if you weren’t even trying.

I know you want to help, and I know you understand that right now with the problems I’m facing, the only real help is financial; I have all the emotional help I need. So when our conversations always revolve around money, I know in your mind that’s what you’re asking about, but I’m carrying three decades of your attitude on jobs as baggage and what I hear now is “why are you still failing?"

I love you. But you killed the mood of a very special day for me, and so I hope you understand I’ll be angry for a little while.