KILGORE, TX — As the credits roll in the latest episode of Chaos;Child, Walter Newman solemnly reflects upon his duty as the only person around who knows what the hell is going on in the currently airing show from Silver Link.

Newman, a 52-year-old accountant who lives alone, tells Anime Maru that he first learned of his gift several weeks ago, when he was able to make informed statements about the plot and name several of the characters while watching an episode with friends.

“My friends were all taken aback by how I could explain what as going on with those 3-faced Buddha stickers,” Newman recalls. “I didn’t think it was a big deal, but they were just blown away by the fact I remembered the characters’ names.”

Word of Newman’s knowledge spread, and now people come from far and wide to visit Newman and seek his guidance. Newman, who grew out a beard and started dressing in robes, estimates he sees 10 to 20 people a day.

“At first I was blind; I could not see past the show’s insipid and endless dialogue delivered by nearly comatose characters,” Ashley Morrison, who made a 200 mile pilgrimage to Newman’s home, tells Anime Maru. “But now it makes sense, I get what’s happening in the anime. I see the light. Show still sucks, though.”

According to Newman himself, the key is to actually watch the show; he notes that his friends often appear to be in some kind of fugue state during episodes that they watch together. “I guess not everyone can handle the esoteric intensity of Chaos;Child,” says Newman.

When asked why his followers don’t just read the episode synopses on Crunchyroll, Newman calmly brushed the question away.

“Do I feel blessed by this gift? I suppose, but it’s also a great responsibility. I and I alone must carry this burden of letting the world know what’s going on in this godforsaken show,” Newman states. “It actually comes together quite beautifully — you see, it all takes place six years after the New Generation Madness which was covered in Chaos;Head. So this club is curious and wants to investigate and finds this mu…”

At this point our local correspondent lost interest and left the room.

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