HOLY MOLE-Y

Scene: chief executive's flat, night. Karl-Heinz Rummenigge leads Pep Guardiola into a sitting room. The Spaniard sits on the arm of a sofa, surrounded by piles of newspapers and folders of cuttings, while Rummenigge sits on a black office chair, turned to face away from an antique wooden desk, also piled with papers. On the wall behind the sofa are photographs cut from the pages of Kicker and 11 Freunde, featuring men wearing red shirts whose faces are circled in blue pen.

RUMMENIGGE: You weren't followed?

Guardiola raises an eyebrow and picks an invisible fleck of dust off his v-neck sweater.

RUMMENIGGE: Trust no one, Pep. Especially not them [gestures to photos]. You thought about tactics for the CSKA Moscow game?

GUARDIOLA: Sure. I thought I'd ask the players to pass the ball among themselves absolutely loads, and then …

RUMMENIGGE: Shut the hell up, Pep. You keep me out of it, I don't want to know.

Conversation stops as a police siren draws near, and the room is briefly filled with spinning blue light before the sound fades again.

GUARDIOLA: What's this about, Kalle?

RUMMENIGGE: There's a rotten apple, Pep, and we've got to find it.

GUARDIOLA: You're talking about that story in Bild?

RUMMENIGGE: I'm so close I can almost feel his heart beating. I know it's one of 11 men, some substitutes, a group of coaches, a couple of physios, the club doctor, the kit guy and Franz Beckenbauer.

He points to a team photo pinned above the desk. Guardiola himself sits at the front of the picture, grinning, wearing the same v-neck sweater that he is wearing today. Or one of his other ones. It's hard to tell. Guardiola stand up and walks across the room to peer at the poster, takes half a step back and puts on his reading glasses. Each man's name has been crossed out and replaced with another word. Rumenigge joins him, and points to the man in the bottom left corner.

RUMMENIGGE: Rafinha – Tinker. (points at the next man) Alaba – Tailor. Boateng – Soldier. Dante – Sailor. Müller – Richman. Mandzukic – Poorman. Lahm – Single pivot. Then there's you. Then Robben … [Snip – Fiver Lawyers].

GUARDIOLA: Arjen Robben, scheibenkleister. How did you work all this out?

RUMMENIGGE: Come on, you read that report before the Dortmund game, Pep. That stuff had to come from one of these men.

GUARDIOLA: But Kalle, think about what you're saying here. You're telling me that one of these guys – my guys – could be a traitor. It can't be.

RUMMENIGGE: It's got to be, Pep. Nobody else knew the stuff that was in the paper on Saturday. Nobody. But don't you worry, I've got a plan.

GUARDIOLA: And when you find out who the mole is, what then?

RUMMENIGGE: They'll get a free transfer to the other side. If you know what I mean.

GUARDIOLA: Don't do anything drastic, Kalle. You know I thought you might be planning something. That's why I asked every one of them, one by one, if they were responsible. Every one of those men denied it.

RUMMENIGGE: Hell, Pep, you should know this better than anyone …

A look of dawning awareness crosses Guardiola's face. He walks back to the sofa, sits, and puts his head in his hands.

GUARDIOLA: One of them must have used a false nein!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Aston Villa is a massive club. I don't think anyone can ever dispute that. It's a club that's won a [Big] Cup, league titles, has a massive fan base and has a bigger stadium. That's no disrespect to West Brom at all – they're a good club in their own right. I haven't been at West Brom or managed the club but Aston Villa, for me, is a bigger club" – Paul Lambert sets the scene for a tasty trip to the Black Country. Speaking of which …

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

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FIVER LETTERS – STILL WITH PRIZES

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"I can only assume Daniel was laying some maths-logic bait for us. He clearly states his assumption that there are more than 80,000 subscribers to the Fiver – an inequality (and an implausibility) – and yet claims the cost to the economy is precisely £29,714,285.71. His argument is self-perpetuating anyway, as the 1,057 pedants replying will each have added a few minutes to the count. And don't even get me started on how many working days are in a year …" – Lewis Tye.

"Daniel may be underestimating the Fiver's financial impact. Many subscribers to this not-so-tea-timely email live in other parts of the world, so the Fiver must therefore distract many people from their jobs for at least the time it takes to skim the message and not find the punchline. I live in Winnipeg, Canada, and the Fiver usually arrives some time after I've had my elevenses. I therefore waste Daniel's six minutes in the middle of my workday (10 minutes today, as I have actually stopped skimming to write a letter of my own and then, after proof-reading my initial effort, sent another). The economic implications are huge. Perhaps the Fiver's real purpose is get people around the world to Stop Working. Is GCHQ involved?" – John Kendle.

"While most people were laughing themselves silly watching Spurs get hammered 6-0 by Manchester City, I was too busy caught up in the final round of the Zimbabwean Premier League. Dynamos won the league on goal difference from Highlanders (there can be only one and all that) but, more importantly, the wonderfully named Chicken Inn came sixth ahead of How Mine (seventh), Triangle (eighth), in addition to the relegated Motor Action (15th) and Triple B (16th)" – Noble Francis.

"Kiwi extreme roundabout drivers (Friday's letter)? Ten laps around a roundabout? Really? Sounds like a walk in the park compared to these bad boys" – Gary Forshaw.

"I'm not certain I'd read the Scrumpy Jack and Apples novel (Friday's Fiver), but there are second-tier cable networks here in USA! USA!! USA!!! that would concuss one another for the chance to turn that concept into half a season of really bad television" – Derek Catsam.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our letter o'the day is: Gary Forshaw, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2014, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We've got more copies to give away this week, so if you haven't been lucky thus far, keep trying.

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BITS AND BOBS

Bill Foulkes, the former Manchester United defender who survived the Munich air disaster and went on to make 688 appearances and win Big Cup, has died aged 81.

Wayne Rooney has angrily stomped upstairs to his bedroom after hearing Martin Tyler and Graeme Souness's criticism of him on Sky. "Martin Tyler didn't shut up about it all game," sulked Rooney, who got away with a booking after booting Jordon Mutch. "Sourness [sic] was sarcastic for everyone biting."

Spurs defender Jan Vertonghen insists the team will bounce back from a 6-0 shellacking at Man City. "It is not a big problem," he understated. "Of course we didn't play well but we are better than this … It is a shame we end up losing 6-0."

Sunderland have appealed against Wes Brown's red card against Stoke, the one that got Gus Poyet so hot and bothered he started stripping off. "We have lodged our intention to appeal against the decision," said a fully clothed Sunderland suit.

Everton's Leighton Baines has been ruled out for a month after suffering toe-snap in the topsy-turvy Merseyside derby.

And Fifa want cheats to take a long, hard look at themselves. "You cannot win the game with simulation," honked Fifa's head of refereeing, Massimo Busacca. "What are you to tell your children when you go home?"

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Goals on film (and via the medium of animated gif).

STILL WANT MORE?

Guardian writers thought up 10 talking points about the weekend's Premier League action so that you don't have to.

That Wayne Rooney kick gave Jamie Jackson flashbacks. You can read about them here.

England's 6-3 beatdown by Hungary 60 years ago led to 1966 and all that, writes floating football brain in a box Jonathan Wilson.

Sevilla beat Betis 4-0 in the local derby but it wasn't enough for their fans – they wanted the full manita, reports Sid Lowe, thankfully going on to explain what that is.

Raphael Honigstein went to watch Dortmund get walloped by Bayern and came back with the nagging feeling that Jürgen Klopp's pressing game is one dimensional. Yes, this is for you hipsters.

Download Football Weekly! Download Football Weekly! Download Football Weekly! Or at least do it in a bit when it's up.

Who is Basel's former bank intern who is frustrating Big Cup bigwigs? Quizmaster Paul Doyle has the answer.

Chievo's Flying Donkeys are soaring again with the 'Genius' back in the saddle, tootles Paolo Bandini.

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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