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Synastry clearly illustrates chemistry and commitment between two people. However, one area that’s often overlooked during the initial rush of a new relationship is basic lifestyle compatibility. The attitude tends to be that any incompatible elements will somehow work themselves out. Or, if the connection is that strong, you may think that lifestyle incompatibility won’t matter at all. But once the surge of chemistry dies down, compatibility issues can be the difference between riding out the rough patches and deciding that the relationship is more trouble than it’s worth.

Two Different Ways of Living

When I write about “lifestyle compatibility” I’m not referring to sexual compatibility. Although this is certainly a crucial area (and perhaps a topic for a different post) I’m talking about the approach to daily life: The differences between an extrovert and introvert, or someone who views money (2nd/8th House) as a disposable resource versus someone who hangs onto it for dear life. These issues can become overwhelming as the relationship progresses.

Let’s say your Moon (needs) and your chart ruler (the planet that rules your Ascendant) are in your 4th House (home and family). A significant chunk of your personality is focused on home. You need a safe place to retreat, and your public identity (Ascendent) is likely to be fairly private. Family is of huge importance, whether or not you had a happy childhood. You have strong ties to your past, and you most likely want to create a solid domestic foundation. Chiron (where you feel vulnerable, insecure or different from everyone else) is in your 11th House of friends and groups. Your degree of introversion may range from homebody to shut-in, but the public arena is not a place you’re comfortable in.

You meet Mr. Extrovert, and the chemistry is hot. Plus, he’s the only guy you’ve ever met who shares your love for that obscure singer. And his Sun conjuncts your 7th House cusp, so he seems to embody your partnership ideals. There’s also some supportive Saturn trines that go both ways in your synastry, so you both feel the pull toward commitment. But his Moon, Venus and Mars sit in his 11th House, so not only does he need (Moon) group connections, he enjoys (Venus) interacting with the public. When he’s active (Mars) it’s usually with a group of friends.

At first this introvert/extrovert discrepancy doesn’t matter. But as the months go by, you notice that his idea of a good time always involves his friends. Every weekend he wants to hit the bars, or go to a concert. And of course, he wants you there with him, but you just want to spend a cozy night in with him. Plus, he doesn’t understand the significance you place on your past. Why does that thing your mother did fifteen years ago still matter? His 11th House planets are concerned with the future and the bigger picture; sitting quietly at home makes him feel bored and restless.

This does not have to be a dealbreaker, but if it’s not addressed, it can become one. The inevitable rough patch hits in the form of a tense square from transiting Saturn to your Moon. You feel like you’re all alone, no matter how much Mr. Extrovert reaches out to you. The gulf between what you need (a weekend or two with just you and him) and what he needs (multiple social connections) widens. He tries to make you feel better by taking you out with his friends, but this just makes you feel worse.

Finding Common Ground

The good news is, there are multiple ways to deal with this. Even if your 4th House planets make no aspects to his 11th House planets, the signs they are in can be key. If your Moon is in Cancer and his Moon is in Pisces, you’ll both have a need to connect on an emotional level. His needs may be more diffuse, and yours more personal, but there’s still a commonality and increased empathy for each other. If his Moon is in Aquarius, recognize that he’s going to be stubborn about his social needs (Aquarius is a Fixed sign) and he’ll probably do the opposite if you pressure him to spend more time away from his friends. On the other hand, he probably won’t take it personally if you want the weekend to yourself while he hangs with his buddies. Moon in Pisces would be more open to making concessions. Maybe he’ll spend half of one weekend alone with you. But sensitive Pisces could be quite hurt if you (inadvertently) diss his friends. It’s all about understanding how the signs work.

Other commonalities will be indicated by harmonious aspects (trines, sextiles, conjunctions) between your planets and his planets. Your Mercury trine his Mercury suggests that talking things out is a strength the two of you can rely on. Maybe your 7th House Venus trines his 11th House Venus. You relate more strongly to one-on-one connections than he does, but there’s still harmony between your social behaviors and how you both express love.

And there may be other, less obvious areas of connection. If his 11th House Moon conjuncts his Venus, and your 4th House Moon is in Libra (ruled by Venus), he’s open to compromise, just like you are. You both need (Moon) to achieve emotional harmony (Venus). If your 4th House planets are in Aquarius, know that the 11th House is traditionally ruled by Aquarius. If his 11th House planets are in Cancer, remember that the 4th House is traditionally ruled by Cancer. So he’ll understand your domestic needs/connection to the past, or you’ll understand his connection to the group. You may both need different things, but the areas of mutual understanding can be the difference between agreeing to disagree, and going your separate ways.

Having said this, some areas of compatibility are non-negotiable. It won’t matter how strong the other connections are if you feel that you absolutely can’t live with someone who’s focused on his social life. Or, if he really wants a partner who’s a social butterfly, and you’re perfectly happy in your cocoon.

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