LANDOVER, MD - MARCH 27: Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals (right) and Robert Griffin III of the Washington Redskins share a laugh as Lionel Messi and the Argentinian national soccer team practices on the field in preparation to take on El Salvador at FedExField on March 27, 2015 in Landover, Maryland. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images) Robert Griffin III and Alex Ovechkin share a laugh at FedEx Field. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

You cannot escape the NFL. The calendar may say April, but the NFL will not stop until it has squeezed the life out of every single month of your sports year. NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, and MLB regular season be damned, the NFL will crush you.

Is the NFL to blame or are we? After one of the most exciting nights in D.C. sports history, the top story over at the Washington Post Sports section Wednesday morning was the Redskins schedule being released.

With any luck, the Wizards and Capitals will still be playing next Thursday but you can rest assured the Redskins will remain the top story in this area — the draft runs from Thursday to Sunday next week. The NFL Draft, which used to be a two-day formality, has mutated into a four-day celebration of the NFL’s arrogance.

Am I here to tell you that the NFL has gone too far? That we should stop paying attention and give the other, more competent teams from our city more attention? Hell no! I am here to deliver the hot takes on the Redskins 2015 schedule that you so badly desire.

In the past few seasons, the schedule release, for Skins fans, has felt more like the lowering of our heads into the guillotine. We know how this ends; let’s just get it over with. Perhaps I have been blinded by McCloughan lust, or maybe the stench of the Skins has been made tolerable by the successes of D.C.’s other teams, but I sense a bit of optimism around town. A look at the upcoming Skins’ season should provide a sobriety check.

Week 1 vs. Dolphins – Win. The Skins haven’t won a week 1 matchup since RG3 was a rookie. If this franchise has any hope for the future, this will be Robert’s final season with the club. Why not bid us farewell with the same delusions of grandeur that you created in New Orleans all those years ago, Bobby Three Sticks? I don’t see RG3 starting more than five games for the Skins this season, but I predict this to be his best game — if he’s still on the team — and I think the Skins will find a way to win with their new look defense in week 1.

This win will officially plant seeds of optimism for a fan base that was on the verge of mutiny prior to the Scot McCloughan hire.

Week 2 vs. Rams – Loss. It’s truly depressing to admit that RG3’s fate with the Redskins has already been sealed. He doesn’t trust us, we don’t trust him. I hope he can find a way to stay healthy at some point in his NFL career because he is a pleasure to watch when he is at full speed. With that said, there is not a more predictable storyline for this game than, “Rams finish what they started, knock Redskins’ porcelain doll RG3 from game­—season—career—life.”

Week 3 at Giants – Win. Embrace the mania. Throw logic out the window. No one will remember reading this by next September, so why not? With the backup quarterback at the helm, the Skins will face a true test against Eli Manning and his stable of wide receiving stallions. No team in the NFC East has dominated the Skins like the Giants have in recent memory, but 2015 is the season the Redskins change everything — everything but the name.

Week 4 vs. Eagles – Loss. Chip Kelly will never win a Super Bowl. He won’t last a decade in the NFL, and he will never admit to a single poor decision on his inevitable decline back to the college ranks. All of that won’t stop him from running up the score on the Skins. You can’t win a shootout when you don’t have a shooter. I love you, Chip.

Week 5 at Falcons – Loss. The Falcons are going to be the best team in the NFL South and not many teams will be able to beat them in the Georgia Dome this season. Whether they are pumping fake crowd noise into their stadium or not, this will be a tough game. “If only RG3 were healthy enough to run on their turf,” delusional Redskins fans will murmur as they continue to recite his 2012 achievements into anonymous comment sections throughout the Internet.

Week 6 vs. Jets – Win. I’ll just take this space to ask why anyone would ever choose to be a fan of the Jets, Mets, Nets, or Islanders. Who hurt you? As a D.C. sports fan, I suppose we have to respect your persistent self-loathing, but seriously, you guys could just start wearing Giants, Yankees, Knicks, and Rangers jerseys and no one would ever notice — do it.

Week 7 vs. Buccaneers – Win. Decades from now, NFL historians will remark on this as one of the ugliest games played since the advent of the forward pass.

Week 8 BYE – You couldn’t script a better bye week. Feeling good, aren’t you?

Week 9 at Patriots – Loss. The darkness is creeping towards you whether you like it or not. The Redskins will roll into the bye week at 4-3 with the most hope they have had in November since the first Thanksgiving. We have seen how this story plays out.

Week 10 vs. Saints – Loss. When I first looked at the schedule it didn’t seem so bad. Now that I am envisioning a Colt McCoy vs. Drew Brees showdown, I am starting to realize how terrible of an idea it was to write this article.

Week 11 at Panthers – Loss. RG3 is back! In a last-ditch effort to save the season, Gruden goes back to the well with RG3 — he comes up short. Like a couple on the verge of divorce, not much is said by either party in the post-game press conference — their silence tells us all we need to know.

Week 12 vs. Giants – Loss. This is the point in the season when Snyder will start offering people money to kidnap Gruden so he doesn’t have to pay him to sit in a beach chair for the next three years.

Week 13 vs. Cowboys – Win. If you are still attending Skins home games at this point in the season, you da real MVP. Colt “Cowboy Killer” McCoy will once again cement his legacy as the greatest 3rd string QB, less than 6’ tall, to ever walk the earth.

Week 14 at Bears – Loss. Nothing about a December football game in Chicago should excite you.

Week 15 vs. Bills – Win. I can’t even visualize this game because all I can think about when I see the Bills in FedEx is the first game the Redskins played after the murder of Sean Taylor. Let’s just give ourselves a win here and move on.

Week 16 at Eagles – Loss. “We should have drafted Mariota” is the most popular quote amongst 106.7 The Fan callers for the third week in a row.

Week 17 at Cowboys – Loss. Take solace in the fact that the Cowboys won’t make the playoffs this season (the Giants will win the East), last year was their ceiling, and Jerry Jones is paying Tony Romo to play quarterback through 2019.

You’ll never feel better about a 6-10 season than this one, trust me. In the 2016 season you’ll have: a new quarterback, a new coach (I’m not for this, but it’s inevitable), and the promise of a new stadium somewhere far away from the wasteland formerly known as Raljon, Maryland. Hang tight, Skins fans, there’s always next season in Washington!

It’s just a shame there aren’t other teams in this area that deserve our attention.

Follow Patrick’s satire on Twitter @RubGun and send your e-mail, questions and topic suggestions to cannon1067@gmail.com.