Realizing there ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, and ain’t no river wide enough (to keep them from going literally anywhere), young crossover buyers have been cashing in on remote cabins nestled high in the snowy mountains. This phenomenon is due to the increased ride height and plastic cladding of these vehicles, which clearly indicates they are ready for absolutely anything. We interviewed several owners of these miracle machines as they made their way into the scenic white-capped mountains.

“I don’t get it! Look at this thing! THE SALESMAN SAID I WOULD HAVE NO ISSUES IN THE SNOW!” yelled Thomas Rainer, triggering a nearby avalanche. His front differential smoked like a chimney as he attempted to climb a snowy, 50% grade.

“I BOUGHT THIS CABIN BECAUSE THIS IS AN OFF-ROAD VEHICLE!” Rainer exclaimed over the racket of his struggling engine.

“IT SUITS MY ACTIVE LIFESTYLE!”

The front wheels continued to spin on Rainer’s Hyundai Venue as he leaned his head out the window, checking the progress of the ditch his front left tire was digging. He shimmied side to side in his seat to try and give it some help.

Behind Rainer’s Hyundai was a score of other crossovers, also digging themselves into the snow. As we approached the next vehicle in the long line of travelers, Rainer’s diff exploded, and he slid off the road into a cold white oblivion.

“FINALLY THAT ASSHOLE IS OUT OF THE WAY!” exclaimed another driver, bouncing his Jeep Renegade off the rev limiter as it struggled for grip and remained stationary. He took off his sunglasses and looked at us as we approached him.

“THESE TIRES ARE ALL SEASONS. THAT INCLUDES WINTER, RIGHT?”

The man rapidly cut the wheel side to side, trying to pull himself out of the comfortable trench he had dug.

“THE COMMERCIAL SAID THIS IS ‘TRAIL RATED’!”

“TRAIL… RATED!”