Arvind Kejriwal’s incessant attacks on Mukesh Ambani have pushed him to the edge. The Reliance chairman and India’s wealthiest man has filed for bankruptcy after millions of individuals and sundry companies, NGOs, media groups, claiming themselves to be in Ambani’s pockets, demanded their monthly salary. A visibly traumatized Ambani has cried a massive conspiracy, likening it to distributed denial of service attacks on computer systems.

“Kya yaar! I knew I sort of had a huge empire all over the country,” the Reliance tycoon wailed, “but I never knew that millions of people and companies based in over 535 constituencies are all my agents! All news channels, all electricity companies, all water companies, all police officers, Anna Hazare, Narendra Modi, the Congress party, social networks, they have all sent in their employees to hound me, show clippings of newspaper reports where Kejriwal has called them Ambani agents at some point or the other and are claiming due payment. Where will I go, yaar?”

Business analysts say if Kejriwal’s claims are true, then Reliance is in worse shape than even Kingfisher. As this article went into publication, more celebrities and entities including E Sreedharan, Pranav Mistry, Lata Mangeshkar, Twitter and Facebook also sent in claims, adding to mounting financial woes.

“At this rate, not only will I be bankrupt, but may even have to mortgage Antilla. DAMN! If Nita hadn’t spent so much on Glenn Maxwell, I could’ve had some money at least to give these people!” Ambani said, before walking away, thanks to The UnReal Times themselves claiming to be Ambani agents.

“By sheer force of habit, Kejriwal also called me an Ambani agent! If only I could demand payment from myself! Sigh,” the magnate added on a parting note.