This comes to you from Orland Park, widely considered the best south suburb of Chicago. Is it not? I grew up in Oak Lawn and I know going out to Orland was a big deal. The mall. The Hooters/Best Buy combo. All the girls were super hot and everyone’s house was big as fuck. Swimming pools and finished basements with surround sound and multi-car garages. It was a fantasyland then and apparently it’s a fantasyland now?

What I want to know is if you’re the old guy crawling around on your hands and knees, what do you get out of this? And I don’t mean to be rhetorical or symbolic. I mean tangibly speaking – is he rock hard while this is going on? Is he just cumming in his pants the whole time? Or is it more of a deeper psychological satisfaction like he finally gets to sleep a solid 8 hours for the next week because he got stepped on in the Whole Foods parking lot? Or is it just pure spank bank material for the next month? If you have answers email them to my friend wsd@barstoolsports.com and include as much detail as possible.