Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.


• Those who've wondered "Who gets the most coveted seats in Hollywood and why" can stop wondering. But those who've wondered why a labor-and-employment lawyer is considered the more-important Richard Simmons will never be able to. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Rafael Nadal got straight-set swept of the Australian Open draw yesterday or today or whatever. [San Francisco Chronicle] Caroline Wozniacki lost, too [ESPN].


• Forbes announced its Most Valuable NBA Teams findings. The Miami Heat came in at No. 7. The New York Knicks were first [Forbes]. In unrelated news, Amar'e Stoudemire of the Knicks was all like, "Nobody is afraid of the Miami Heat." [New York Times]

• Providence Friars: Ranked-team slayers. First, Louisville. Now, Villanova. "It's a big deal," said senior Marshon Brooks, who celebrated his 22nd birthday with 20 points. [Providence Journal]

• Among many topics covered at the Tony La Russa Roast was the Cardinals manager's affection for "pussy." [Fox Sports Midwest]

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Morning. Hope you have a wonderful day.

