The first rule of the bachelor (and all reality shows for that matter) is don’t be weird. It’s really not a hard concept but yet so many contestants struggle with. Next time you feel the need to make weird noises around a camp fire, talk about aliens, flex every time the camera is on you, or put on your princess dress for a date you aren’t going on, just ask yourself one simple thing. Am I being weird?

We start the episode off with Harrison popping in, giving words of encouragement, dropping off the date card. The ladies are left to ponder the deep meaning of what the date card is referencing when it says they will be keeping things natural today. Maybe Chris wants to see what Ashley I looks like when she isn’t wearing 8 pounds of make-up. Or what it’s like to be with a girl that doesn’t shave her legs. The date sadly did not have either of those happen but instead they went down to the local watering hole and had a beach day. Kelsey was not impressed. Kelsey hangs out at the lakes of Michigan when she wants to go to the beach. Kelsey sucks. She also has a fake laugh she uses whenever Chris is around that reminds me a little bit of these guys:

She was also appalled when girls started stripping down and taking their bikini bottoms off. She’s a prude.

Later in the day Chris informed everyone that they would be staying over night and camping out in tents. I bet you can’t guess who was less than thrilled about this development. After everyone gets their pre made tent set up it’s time to sit by the campfire and get weird. Katilyn starts telling scary stories about Ashley S while Ashley is making weird noises and doing some sort of drunken dance. I think she has more in common with this guy than Chris:

In an alternate universe Rafiki is the bachelor and Ashley S steals his heart and they live happily ever after.

Not long after everyone goes to sleep Ashley I has something she just has to tell Chris. It has to do with her innocence, her inexperience, her shyness, her….just fucking tell him you’re a virgin. She proceeds to dance around the real reason she came over to wake him up and talk and instead freaks him out in the process. It would have been quicker to just give him this:

While the camping date was going on Chris’ sisters showed up and were interviewing the remaining girls to see who should get the one on one date this week. Apparently Jade freaked them out the least (if they only knew) and she was chosen to go on a disney princess date. Because ABC has tie in they are trying to force this princess date becomes Cinderella themed just like the brand new movie Cinderella coming to theaters this March. All of a sudden comes some lady bursting into the house looking for Jade. The fairy god stylist (who has pink hair because of course she does) helps Jade pick out a dress, shoes, and what looks like some very expensive earrings. Jade gets to keep the earrings and I’m sure she’s thinking about how she can wear them and only them for her next nude photo shoot. There are many different jokes you could make about the irony of someone that does softcore and poses nude representing the face of a classic tale such as Cinderella but I think my good friend Jason Biggs (dude from American Pie) summed it up best:

NSFW

https://twitter.com/JasonBiggs/status/559913272510803968

The fairy god stylist and makeup team must have spent hours trying to cover up what appears to be a huge tattoo on Jade’s back. I don’t remember seeing it on previous episodes so this is something we’ll need to keep an eye on. If production ever gets lazy they can take the black bar from Jillian’s ass and use it instead. Jade also has a tattoo on the top of her foot. That’s not the kind of girl you bring home to meet mom.

Meanwhile Ashley I is having a hard time not being a princess. She is so distraught by this that she dresses up in her princess outfit and pouts the rest of the night. There are a few things wrong with Ashley but I can only think of one reasonable answer for her behavior on the show. She had to have been home schooled.

Our last date is an obstacle course that the girls need to run through and the winner gets one on one time with Chris. For whatever reason ABC decides that they should do this while wearing wedding dresses. Because these desperate girls haven’t pictured themselves in a wedding dress 1000 times already. I hope no one other than Jillian thought they were winning this race because Jillian does this shit in her spare time. I can’t help but think this was going through her mind as she dusted the competition:

Going into the date Chris mentions that Jillian was in his top 3 and was looking forward to the date. That may have remained the case if the black bar that covers Jillian’s ass covered her mouth instead because she would not shut up. Do you know what Jillian’s favorite thing to talk about is? It’s Jillian. She also did it at warp speed. Then she gave Chris some weird would you rather sex question that involved a dirty homeless girl. For someone that works in TV, you would think she would know how to behave on TV. In a confessional Chris talked about how he wasn’t processing any of what she was saying and started thinking about unicorns and fairies. I don’t like to reuse material but could he have been thinking about this:

Jillian left without a rose.

At the cocktail party Ashley I is worried that Chris might not have been able to figure out that form their last conversation that she is a virgin. I wonder if that’s because she never actually told him…..So while she’s having this big discussion with all the girls Becca casually mentions that she is as well. Ashley could learn a thing or two from Becca in seeing how it really wasn’t a big deal and didn’t need to be a discussion. Ashley finally tells Chris want she meant by being inexperienced and quickly gets upset that they didn’t spend the rest of the night making out. Ashley is weird.

I wanted to briefly talk about the curse of the first impression rose. It never fails that every year the girl that gets the first impression rose has one of the hardest times seeing other girls make connections with the bach. This year Britt thought she was the front runner and is having trouble coping with the fact that she may no longer be. She decides to use her time with Chris talking about how Kaitlyn is not the girl for him and wonders why he keeps giving her roses. Now I’m sure Britt hasn’t seen as many seasons as me, but using your time to talk about and bad mouth another girl doesn’t work in your favor. This prompts Chris to make his first right reasons speech and tell the girls how he is pouring his heart and soul into this.

No surprises at the rose ceremony. We have sadly seen the last of Ashley S on the bachelor however. If TLC, E!, MTV, whatever aren’t lining up to cast her in their next reality show then they are missing out on a big opportunity. Are you going to tell me she wouldn’t be fantastic on that finding big foot show? Or that she wouldn’t be the most convincing person to communicate with the dead on ghost hunters? Coming up at 8 eastern on TLC we have Little People Big World, followed by Little Sanity Big Problems: The Ashley S story at 9. Who doesn’t watch that?

To all those that packed their bags and said their good byes:

Good bye doesn’t mean forever Ashley S. We’ll see you on the other side.

See you next week

- Nick