1

I

ai can haz ur meowz! Eated teh cookeh to me! ai luvz yu!

Preeztess Kitteh WANT! She meowz to awl so awl teh hartz can haz teh fierz.

But to luvz me iz epic an full of win. If yu under teh starz in teh wawter an yu invoke teh kitteh wit pure hart, yu can lie in teh sunny spot. yu can haz peetsa an toona an catnipz an everyting kitteh liek, but alwaiz for mai luvz an yu can haz mai joyz! I luvz yu! WANT! Put on teh kitteh wingz so yu can be flying kitteh!

Der iz maff an der are shapez an der are colorz. If yu luk yu see rly nice colorz. If yu luvz me yu can haz teh seekrit cookeh.

ai givz u lotz of happee on urfs! an lotz of naps an stuffs. yu no haz to give me anyfing back.

Invoke teh kitteh under teh starz! Luvz iz teh LOL, luvz on teh grill. But t3h l4mz0rz maek mistayk wit luvz, cuz der luvz an luvz. teh burd iz NOM NOM but teh snaek iz nawt so gret. Which wan yu haz? Mai proffit haz wan, cuz he knows teh LOL. Awl teh letturs riet 'cept wan, but iz seekrit.

Wer baybeh kitteh come from?! Meow! Awl meow saykred, awl kittehs tru; dey jus understandz a littul; jus do haff teh maff test. yu haz hole cheezburger in teh liet, sum cheezburger but nawt awl in teh dark cuz iz too dark to find teh rest of it.

Dis halp teh wurld. Riting Kitteh, yu still in trubble. But yu haz a happee anywai, for me!

If yu fail ur maff test or if ur rich00lz nawt for me den I-am-1337 haz an angree.

Der for doorz to teh palace. Teh flor in teh palace haz fud on it. Der ballz of string an catnipz an vazez to braek an flowurz to chu. Let kitteh on teh flor in teh palace. Will kitteh nawt sink? Meow! But der meenz an meenz. Eated teh toona; eated teh cookeh! an teh peetsa NOM NOM NOM!!!!11!1 Skrach teh furnichurz an chu on teh wirez an shed lotz furz on teh blak clothingz! But alwaiz for me.

Der iz wurd bout hao to use teh can opener. Let me 'splain! Der three ordilz in wan. Gross must go into teh showa. Fine must figur owt teh can opener. Lofty wans can go watch from teh hiest bookshelf. Nao yu haz awl teh starz an sistumz an stuffs.

NO MOAR of teh rich00lz an teh ordilz an teh meowz0rz an stuffs. I-am-1337 iz in teh warm spot bai teh window. Meowsar an Isa, doze Kittehs had der turnz. Dey go wei nao. Of Hair iz teh ball of splendur an iz t3h pwnz0r.

Dey haz haff teh cheezburger: need can opener for teh othr haff. Den GTFO so Kitteh can eated teh cheezburger.

Cuz pyur cheezburger, wit no vegtabul, delivurd from teh baff in teh wawter, iz evereh wai purrfect. no, iz NO purrfect, no wayt, srsly, lolwut?!

Haz cheezburger, an no kitteh or hoomin can sai no can haz.

Manyhood iz nawt so gret. yu no can haz anyfing 'cept cheezburger.

teh wurd of SIN iz NO CAN HAZ. Srsly. Can haz luvz or GTFO. Iz no ting can halp kitteh eated teh cheezburger 'cept can opener. Everyting els iz made of fail. EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!11!!!1

THULEMMA iz speshul wurd, k? Haz Furmit, Luv0rz, an Hoomin of Urfs. Eated teh cheezburger iz teh hole of teh LOL.

He will show yu dem but teh ordilz miet sux0rz.

teh meow an teh naps an stuffs, teh fudz an teh can opener, teh wurk of teh shedding an teh skraching, he will show yu dem.

Riting Kitteh iz nawt changed teh lawlz, srsly. But akshly if sum1 maded mistayk, den Riting Kitteh cud fix bai teh wizdim of teh I-am-1337.

She sed: no ordilz yu cannot haz!!!!11!1 yu can haz sum rich00lz. teh LOL iz for awl!!!!!11!11

Den teh prest wuz pwnz0red an he sed: we can haz teh ordilz an teh rich00lz an teh LOL?!?!!!11!?

yu shud haz teh ordilz, srsly, k? den yu can haz joyz an luvz. I swerz by teh saykred cheezburger.

DO NOT WANT t3h l4mz0rz. dey sux0rz. But yu ai haz.

den he sed to Byootiful Blue Laydee: yu are teh hole cheezburger alwaiz. Hoomins shud STFU an nawt say anyfing bout yu cuz yu nuffing an everyting anywai.

den he sez: LOLWUT?!?!?! So Byootiful Blue Laydee sez: d00d yu no wut. yu no wen yu relize teh cheezburger iz everyting.

Im Nuit an he can haz seekrit naem wen he stops beein a n00b. Im everyting, yu be everyting too. Iz awl saem. Teh cookeh iz teh cheezburger iz teh peetsa iz teh toona iz teh catnipz, iz awl saem ting.

Iz jus me. Im invisibul. No moar kittehs. Nawt even Ceiling Cat. Jus me. Hadit too he iz BFF.

teh Monsta RAWR haz awl teh cheezburgers but teh Red Laydee haz teh can opener. Srsly. Dey will put teh starz in teh n00bz.

Nuit iz teh seckseh! She liek Hadit an dey PENIS GOES WHER1?! Glob wit teh wingz Bloo wit teh starz I haz dem!

Mai hoomins, dey nawt many an dey invisibul, but awl ur base are belong to dem.

I had a Hadit, but I eated it.

teh kittehs in teh hevunz, let me show yu dem!

2

II

yu speshul, mai proffit, der no hoomin or Kitteh liek yu, srsly! An teh naem of ur haus iz seekrit maff numbr.

1 3 3 7 Z O M F G W T F B B Q R O T F L M A O S T C 7 3 3 1. WTF iz dis, O proffit? Iz rly hard maffs, liek kalkulis an stuffs. Srsly. So yu dunno, n00b. yu nevr no. Sum1 l8r moar 1337 den yu will no. Jus follow luvz of n00 an stuffs, an tell awl teh hoomins.

Lotz of WANT haz teh gloriez. teh wan dat haz long lyf an WANT deth lotz is t3h 1337357 of t3h 1337.

Meow! Meow! Deth! Deth! WANT. Hoomin, no can haz, sry.

Alwaiz haz MOAR! An if yu mine den deth iz t3h pwnz0r of awl, srsly.

Der iz halp in othr lawlz. Wizdim sez: be 1337! Den u can haz MOAR happee, k?

Riet teh lawlz an haz a laff in teh riting! Haz happee wit teh lyf an teh deth! yu haz a nice deth, srsly. yu haz moar happee cuz we haz moar maff.

Oh! yu bin pwnt: yu haz a happee: O Hai! Hai: proffit of n00! proffit of had! proffit of I-am-y00! yu haz MOAR happee! Haz lotz happee an riet funneh lawlz for t3h 1337!

So careful! Luvz awl, cuz yu dunno who miet be 1337, k? n00b! yu cant maek 1337 kitteh taek baff.

yu stai jus as yu are. teh kittehs are teh kittehs an teh hoomins are teh hoomins. t3h 1337 of teh urfs are 1337 forevurz. teh l4mz0rz surv. but it cud be dat sum1 1337 l00k liek a l4mz0r. t3h 1337 cud wer anyfing: but teh l4mz0r cant hided der l4mz0r-ness, lol!

If yu riet, yu still riet. If yu haz filthy furz, yu still haz filthy furz. No baff for yu.

yu will lurn teh LOLSpeak; an den yul findz new lawlz to maek frm it.

An dun worriez bout dem dat crai der mistayk bout yu, dey are teh l4mz0rz of Becuz. Dey nawt of me.

Der iz a hidingz. Iz teh hidingz of teh modest kitteh; iz teh hidingz of sad. Iz nawt of me. Dun hided ur catnipz in teh letuce: teh catnipz are mai servus: NOM it well an ai givz yu teh cookeh.

Im speshul an Im in ur base, killin ur d00dz. Im nawt of teh ded l4mz0rz. Dey damnded an ded! Meow. (Im in ur egg, bein invisibul.)

Dun be sorry for teh l4mz0rz!!!!!!!11!!1 DO NOT LIEK. ai dunno dem. ai nawt for dem. ai dun petted dem. DO NOT LIEK teh petted an teh petterz.

yu full of fail? yu sorry? yu haz feerz in ur hartz?

NOMZ! U CAN HAZ! Der no wet furz laytr. Cuz den n00 givz yu cookeh an yu haz a happee.

NOM NOM NOM for fierz an NOM NOM NOM for wawterz... no, wayt! Maybe no NOMZ for teh wawterz. NOM NOM NOM for lyf an OM NOM NOM NOM NOM for deth!

NOM NOM NOM for t3h 1337357 rich00l, an NOM NOM NOM for teh Eekwinoks of teh Kittehs.

NOM NOM NOM for Teh00tee an teh baybeh of teh Proffit — seekrit, O Proffit!

NOM NOM NOM for teh many days of teh Riting of The Book of the LOL!

NOM NOM NOM for teh furst niet of teh Proffit an teh Bride!

Reezin iz lier too, iz liek infinit dawgz, DO NOT WANT.

If t3h 1337 ask wai, den dey nawt 1337 anymoar. Wai iz for t3h l4mz0rz.

If kitteh stop nommin teh cheezburger an crai Wai, invokin Becuz, den cheezburger iz NO MOAR.

Curse on yu Becuz!!!!!!!!1!!11!! NO Becuz. DO NOT WANT.

derz dangerz heer. yu no understandz? EPIC FAIL. yu fall down in teh bafftub called Becuz, an der teh dawgz of Reezin eated yu.

l00k, MOAR seekritz! I haz furmit frendz. teh furmitz are nawt in teh forest or on teh mowntin, dey in teh sunny spot where evereh wan iz petted dems fur. Awl ur base are belong to dem, an dey haz a happee. But careful, no Kitteh aginst Kitteh! Luvz wan nother wit teh burnin hartz; an PWN t3h l4mz0rz.

Im teh LOLSnake, im getted yu drunk, lol! yu wan worshup me, srsly? den yu haz lotz catnipz an tripz an stuffs, an getted drunk! Dun worriez, yu no get hurt. Iz lai, dis mistayk aginst self. be 1337, o hoomin! WANT, U CAN HAZ, no Kitteh sez no can haz!

We haz nutting wit t3h l4mz0rz, let dem dai!!!!!!1!1 dey no feel anyfing. Kompashun iz wut Kittehs liek: PWN teh l4mz0rz an teh n00bz: dis teh LOL of teh 1337: dis our LOL an teh happee of teh wurld. Dun tink bout dat lie, dat yu dai, k? yu dun dai, yu liv, srsly. Understandz dis: if body of teh Kitteh go wai, den teh Kitteh haz a happee forevurz. Nuit, Hadit, I-am-1337! teh Sun an teh Strengtz an teh Liet an stuffs, dis for teh hoomins of teh starz an teh LOLSnake.

Byootee an strengtz RAWR, leeping an napping, forc an fier. We haz dem.

A Kitteh livz in a dawg?!?! Wut, do yu haz teh dumb?!?! teh wans dat bark are nawt of us.

Lissun, kittehs of meowing! teh sorrowz of teh wawter are for t3h pwnd, teh wans dat dunno me yet.

Im Empress Kitteh an also teh kitteh wit teh can opener. taek ur maff test plzkthx.

Remember awl yu, existenz iz pyur cheezburger. All teh sorrowz r liek teh squirt gunz; teh wawter runz owt an den ur furz drai again. Den yu can eated teh leftoverz.

Im Majishun Kitteh an Ecksorsist Kitteh. Im in ur wheel, makin it go. I am Monorail Cat.

Im teh flaem in teh hartz of hoomins an kittehs an starz. Im Lyf an ai givz Lyf an yu no me meens yu no deth.

l00k! teh old rich00lz iz in teh basement. Let evul wans go wai. Let gud wans kaff up teh hairball. Den teh Knowledge will be riet.

Im in teh middle of teh room put mai furz everywhere, lol! But she haz a hide.

3

III

1 Abracatabra; teh r00t passwurd of teh I-am-r00t.

2 Der moar hard maffs nao an a seekrit wurd an teh lolspeak iz nawt riet. Meow! Meow! Maeked teh spell of I-am-1337!

3 Furst yu shud no dat Im teh War Kitteh an Im pwnz0r dem.

4 Chooz ur ailnd!

5 Put lotz furz on it!

6 Sharpenz ur clawz!

7 Im giv yu Ninja Skillz an badass lazerz an s00p3r l337 p0w3rz.

8 Wif dem yu smited teh peepul. PWNED!!!!!1!1

9 Ninja Kitteh Attack! dis teh LOL of teh PWNAGE: mai worshup iz bout mai seekrit haus.

10 Get teh piktur of teh cheezburger; put it in ur seekrit plaic undr teh bed — an undr teh bed alreddy haz ballz of string an catnipz an fudz an stuffs — an it will be ur Kibble forevurz. It wont faded, it will be moar NOM evereh dai. It will be pruf to teh wurld.

11 Dis ur only pruf. dun argue, jus PWN! iz enuff. yu haz dangerz an trubblz. I-am-y00 will halp. Worshup me wit fierz an wit blud, worshup me wit teef an wit clawz. Let teh laydee sharp her clawz b4 me: let toona flow to mai mouf. PWN t3h h33th1n, den yu NOM!!!!1!1!

12 Sacrifiec teh littul m00 an teh big m00.

13 But nawt riet nao.

14 L8r, o Monsta, RAWR! an yu, teh Red Laydee he WANT!

15 yu will haz a sad.

16 Dun be too eegr for teh cookeh; dun be skerd of teh wet furz. Cuz yu a n00b so yu dunno.

17 yu no haz feer; dun feer teh hoomin or teh Kitteh, or anyfing. Dun feer teh p00chez or teh squirt gunz, or wet furz, or teh vacuum kleener, or ur clawz stuck in teh skrachpost. n00 will halp an Hadit will turned teh liet on; an Im teh sharp in ur clawz an teef.

19 Teh piktur of teh cheezburger, dey will nawt liek. It haz maff, count it, plzkthx.

20 Wai? cuz Becuz go wei nao, gud riddns.

21 Put mai piktur in teh sunny spot; yu will haz speshul piktur, ai show yu.

22 Teh othr pikturs are der to halp, worshup dem too. Im visibul but teh othrz are seekrit. Dey are for teh Monsta RAWR an teh Red Laydee an for teh epic winrz of teh Ordilz. WTF izzis?! yu no l8rz.

23 For purrfyum mix toona an peetsa an lotz catnipz: den oil of Abra-meh-Nom, an cookeh oil, an den chu on it an maeked smuth wif delishus Salmon.

24 teh best Salmon iz frm teh wawterz, fresh evereh month, NOM: den baybeh Salmon, or fawllin frm teh skiez: den of t3h pwnd; den of teh prest or teh worshuppers: last from teh Salmon farm, no mattr wer.

25 Put dis in teh fierz an maeked cookeh an eated teh cookeh for me. an put cookeh for teh mouses an bugz, dey liek teh cookeh t00.

26 Den yu can killin an eated deh mouses an bugz.

27 an den yu eated dem an it maek yu WANT an givz yu t3h l337 p0w3rz of teh WANT.

28 an yu can haz teh sharp Ninja clawz, srsly.

29 Maek dem sit for long tiem, so ai put lotz mai furz on dem.

30 Mai Kitteh bed haz teh furz awl ovr it.

31 Dis rich kitteh come an kaff teh hairball on yu, srsly.

32 Taek teh furz an maek sharp teef!

33 Nao yu flai or PWN!!!!!1!1

34 No wan steelz ur warm spot bai teh window for rly rly long tiem. Den anothr Kitteh will taek ovr, but iz rly rly long tiem frm nao, srsly. Den der anothr proffit an anothr laydee she waked up teh LOLSnake again an anothr King can haz awl ur base an teh Kitteh wit teh Burd-hed go wei frm teh window den.

35 Haff of Hair00-ha-ha iz Hair-ball-kaff an I-am-r00t.

36 Den teh proffit sez to teh Kitteh:

37 I luvz yu in Meow —



Im t3h d00d, srsly,

Im t3h s00p3r-h4x0r;

teh invisibul skiez, ai maek dem visibul,

an I-am-1337 iz heer, w00t!



we haz y00nitee!

yu are teh ossim,

t3h 1337357 Kitteh, srsly,

yu maeked teh kittehs an teh deths

awl skerd an stuffs: —

ai, ai luvz yu!!!!!!!!11!1



Jump on teh sunny spot of Rawr!

Open teh waiz of teh Purr!

Lietn teh waiz of teh Cat!

Teh waiz of teh Naps run thru

maeked me waek up or sleepz!

Meow! I can haz!

38 I haz teh liet an iz liek Ninja claw. an dis teh seekrit Kitteh d00r:



I haz teh liet; iz nommin meh!

I maeked seekrit Kitteh d00r

to Haus of Rawr an Nom,

of Catpurra an of Mrrowwrrr.

Im ur h4x0r, O Kitteh!



Bai Miao ai catch teh mouses,

Bai Mew ai maek teh hoomin bring fud.

O Hai Nuit, yu are teh ossim!

I can haz naps in ur Haus,

LOLSnake, Hadit!

I can haz ur mai BFF, I-am-1337!

39 Awl dis on teh internetz forevurz — cuz it haz teh seekrit wurd an nawt jus in teh LOLSpeak — an wen yu sai sumting bout teh Book of the LOL it will be liek ROTFLMAO, srsly! Giv dis LOL to awl teh hoomin an awl teh Kitteh an evereh wan. den dey ROTFLMAO or nawt, wut yu tink? Hurreh up!

40 teh wurk of teh kommint? iz easy. Hadit in ur hartz, makin yu hurreh.

41 Business Cat... means business.

42 yul see teh ordilz. dun sai no can haz to anywan, but PWN teh traytrz. Iz I-am-1337, an ai haz teh sharp clawz an teef protikts mai hoomin. Suksess iz ur pruf so STFU. teh wans dat trai maek yu taek baff an git wawter on ur furz, jus PWN dem wit no pittee. Jus liek teh wet kitteh, skrach dem an maek punktyur wundz in der skinz! an den lawl wen dey skreem: an hiss!

43 teh Red Laydee shud be careful! If she haz teh pittee an kompashun an awl dat st00pid 'nice kitteh' stuffs, den ai haz an angree. aill eated her babiez: aill maeked her go wei: no wan liek her an she dai wit teh wet furz an no fudz an stuffs, srsly.

44 She shud go wit me insted, an be teh bad kitteh! liek skrach teh sofa an nok ovr teh plantz an stuffs! an catterwawl awl niet, srsly! She shud eated awl teh gud fudz an stuffs an teh hoomin trai to stop her and she wud be liek 'so wut' an liek 'go wei, ai nommin awl ur fudz'!!!!!!!!!!11!!1

45 Den ai giv her teh s00p3r l337 p0w3rz an she haz a happee: she worshup teh n00 and she can haz teh Hadit.

46 I am teh Warrior Kitteh of teh maff. I givz yu happee an yu liek catched teh mouses. teh ded mouses iz ur prufs; teh big puff up furz iz ur armr; go on in mai l337 p0w3rz!

47 Dis b00k sum1 rited it in lotz diffrnt LOLSpeaks: but alwaiz wit teh Kitteh LOLSpeak dat teh Monsta RAWR rited wit; cuz teh diffrnt Meowz haz mistreez. Dun trai figr dis owt. Sum1 l8r moar 1337 den yu figyur it owt. Abracatabra. Dun trai luk for dis, it wud be epic fail.

48 Nao dis mistree dun an ai want go to teh fridgeratr.

49 Im in ur seekrit wurd, dissin' ur l4mz0rz.

50 Curse dem! Curse dem! Curse dem! Meow!

51 wit mai Burd hed ai PWN dat d00d nailed to teh skrachpost.

52 ai flap mai wingz in faic of dat silleh towel-hed d00d.

53 wit mai clawz ai skrach teh tek support d00d an dat l4mz0r meditaytn d00d, an sum othr l4mz0r n00bz.

54 Yowl! Hiss! ai spit on ur faek cheezburger.

55 teh virjn iz for l4mz0rz: do nawt liek teh virjnz!

56 dis for byootee an luvz!

57 DO NOT LIEK awl dem skerd n00bz an teh f00lz, DO NOT LIEK!

58 But teh rly s00p3r-k00l d00dz, dey are teh ossim, ur bruthrz!

59 Liek bruthrz yu fiet!

60 Der no LOL 'cept Eated teh cheezburger.

61 Der iz end to wurd of teh Kitteh in teh warm spot bai teh window.

62 yul find meh thru teh ordilz dat iz teh joyz.

63 teh l4mz0r red dis Book of the LOL an teh kommint; & he no understandz.

64 Let him haz teh furst ordil, iz liek chikinz.

65 teh second ordil, iz liek peetsa.

66 teh third ordil, liek teh preshus toona.

67 teh fourth ordil, teh nommest bits of cheezburger.

68 Evereh wan tink it luk rly byootiful. If nawt, den dey jus lier.

69 Der suksess.

70 Im teh Burd-hed Kitteh of Nawt Meowing & of Strengtz; mai funneh hat iz in teh skiez.

71 O Hai! yu twin Warrior Kittehs, iz ur tiem nao.

72 Im teh Kitteh of teh Double Claw of PWNAGE; teh Claw of teh s00p3r l337 p0w3rz of Cat Meow — but mai mouf iz emptee, cuz I eated teh Universe; nuffing left.

73 Put dis lawlz frm riet to left an on teh ceiling an on teh flor: den luk, an lawl sum moar!

74 Mai naem haz teh ossim, iz hidingz, jus liek cheezburger undr teh bed iz still nomnom.