Jill Stein Canvassers Who Wouldn’t Buy Me Tampons

Here’s a list of Jill Stein canvassers I met in the past four months — on the third weeks of the past four months to be exact. They would not buy me tampons.

1. Brian

Brian is an independent filmmaker I met via a casting call for a woman who is ethereal but down to Earth, quirky but conventional, self deprecating but confident, who doesn’t work out but has perfect measurements. Brian’s film is about a young man struggling to step out of the shadows of his controlling dad while still spending all his dad’s money. Brian says he’s voting for Jill Stein because Hillary’s not far left enough, but he’s really doing it so he can feel edgy while still using his parents’ money to fund his film. Brian will sacrifice his sheets and your PJs in order to not think about what his old school dad would say if he purchased tampons in public.

2. Farley

I met Farley at a friend’s D&D party during which he’d point out historical inaccuracies (but he didn’t seem to have a problem with there being a three headed dragon in the game.) Farley has a degree in anthropology. Good god, Farley, please stop talking about anthropology. Farley likes to chronologically date layers of sediment FOR FUN. He’s voting for Jill Stein because she has a degree in anthropology. He will not buy tampons because he wants to see how menstrual blood ages over time in order to better understand his Victorian panty artifacts. Don’t date this guy. He has a collection of Victorian panty artifacts.

3. Greg

Greg lives with his mom in a cabin in Tahoe. I met him on Tinder. What Greg did NOT mention on Tinder is that his mom would accompany us on our date and comment on my narrow birthing hips. Greg is very enthusiastic about Jill Stein. I happened to notice Greg’s mom looks a lot like Hillary Clinton. Greg wouldn’t go out and buy me tampons because it reminded him of when his mom made him go out and buy her tampons.

4. Skye

Skye hasn’t read anything that isn’t on Tumblr. I met her on Tumblr. I don’t think she’s ever been off of Tumblr. Skye refuses to take a photo of her face for Tumblr because she’s afraid of radiation. Yeah, I tried to tell her, but she just FEELS like there’s face seeking radiation in the camera. Skye is voting for Jill Stein because, while she says she’s not an anti-vaxxer, she likes the idea of having a regulatory board to take a ‘serious look at’ vaccines. I tried to tell her this already exists, but she just FEELS like the FDA aren’t doing their job. She won’t buy anyone tampons but she will buy you an organic plant based version of a Diva Cup that does not work.