Middle Aged Man Levels Up To Platinum In Overwatch And No One In His Family Or Peer Group Seems to Care

Tacoma, WA

After nearly eight months of grinding it out in Overwatch, (a Blizzard competitive shooter game), Johnny Blaze, a middle aged, laid-off, former sales executive (and Junkrat main) finally leveled up to Platinum. “It’s the most amazing thing that’s happened to me other than my son being born,” he informed Awesome.

When asked how it has affected his life, Blaze was happy but also forlorn. “I’m obviously elated; however, no one around me appears to share in my joy. “When I told my wife, she rolled her eyes and said, ‘When are you going to get a job? Your severance package won’t last forever platinum boy.’”

Blaze further explained the spiritual journey and lessons he has learned since starting Overwatch. “This game has taught me perseverance—to never give up no matter how stupid everyone is around you. So many times, I was on the verge of breaking through, when some idiot ten-year-old would pick Hanzo when we had no healers, no tanks, and already had a sniper [Widowmaker]. What do you do at that point? You can’t quit the game or you lose competitive points. The only thing left to do is berate the little brat into switching to a useful character like a Zarya or Lucio. Sometimes you have to break a stupid, stubborn kid down like that to make ‘em stronger. You know, keep ‘em from being stupid the rest of their lives.”

When asked why he didn’t just quit and do something useful like take online classes at Phoenix University, Blaze responded, “I’m a fighter, baby. I had faith in my abilities, knowing that I just needed to find gamers like me who understood the value of team composition and commitment to excellence. My epiphany moment came when I met Overwatch soulmates SkulKrushr420 (a sixteen-year-old boy from Temecula, CA and dominant Soldier 76 main) and Ugotservd666 (an eleven-year-old girl from Northbrook, IL who can rack up kills with D.Va, Tracer, and Pharah) on a Subreddit for struggling players (/r/OverwatchUniversity). In that Subreddit , we shared our frustration with having to carry our teams and still losing points due to no talent Genji mains and Mercy mains who played for kills instead of healing. It was during these heartfelt exchanges that we decided to form a competitive team. A few days later, we began an incredible assault through the rankings from bronze to platinum in less than three months. I feel that with our momentum, we can attract a few of the bigger names like Seagull and Agilities and we can start winning tournaments by next year.”

When former co-workers and friends were interviewed regarding Blaze’s new epiphany, they were universally disgusted. “What a weirdo. What the Hell is he doing online gaming with kids?” proclaimed former co-worker Anita Bryant as she sipped on some orange juice.

“I always knew he was a little weird…Is that it, I’m running late for Friday night, Sailor Moon, cosplay at Boba Por Vida.” proclaimed a good friend who refused to disclose his identity.