Hello. Are you a female homosexual inhabiting a densely populated urban area? Are you having a hard time understanding lesbians? Do you find their behavior perplexing, unsavory, and erratic? Is it you? Yes, partially. It’s always a little you. But there are rules you can follow that will make being you less of a problem. Here are 20 mildly accurate, widely unspoken rules for the urban lesbian.

Lesbian nights are not a time to smile and befriend new people. They are a time to solidify your status by huddling into your friends, looking cool and Instagramming. Any attempts to do otherwise without an ulterior motive (sex, club promotion) will be seen as a sign of weakness.

Two girls kissing in public is perceived as an open invitation for sexual harassment. Adjust your anxiety levels accordingly.

Beanies are itchy and make your head sweaty, but somehow strike a note of casual cool.

Befriending the girlfriend of your crush is a socially acceptable way to get closer to your crush.

Lesbian movies are 80% melodramatic crap and 20% pretty straight girls who make you cry.

It’s never been a better time to brew your own kombucha.

Solstices are the new Christmas.

If you write “writer” in your Instagram bio you are officially a writer. That is all the writing required.

Everyone has a web series.

Scissoring is kinda a thing but not a very popular thing. Don’t try to scissor a one night stand. Too much effort.

Lesbians you have never met will friend you on Facebook. Lesbians you have met a couple times will not accept your friend request. Those are bad eggs.

You will see girls out regularly but they will not acknowledge you until you have met so many times it is literally impossible not to acknowledge you. Still, you will have to say hello first. You will say hello first for a while and then give up and stop because you realize you don’t want to know those sort of people anyway.

There are no bars, only nights. And those nights change and move constantly. Keep up or fall behind. Stragglers will be left behind.

There is always a cover charge. This is a special tax levied on lesbians.

Don’t invite your straight friends to lesbian nights. It tells everyone you only have straight friends. Unless you do only have straight friends. Then bring a straight girl. No one wants to hang out with your bros at dyke night. Duh.

Lesbians who have dogs are way more intense than lesbians who have cats. If you’re dating one, you must pretend to LOVE IT LIKE YOUR UNBORN CHILD.

Kate McKinnon is the new Ellen. Ellen is the new Oprah. Nobody cares about Oprah anymore.

Pensive selfies are expected. Add impact to your vanity by adding a thoughtful caption that implies the tragedy du jour has affected you, personally, in deep and devastating ways.

Effortless cool requires a staggering degree of effort.

You will say “I’m over lesbians.” At least once a week until death snatches you from this malfunctioning app we call life.

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*First published in July 2016