Where did the idea that love, relationships, and life are supposed to be easy things? I see so many people waiting for the perfect person to enter their life so that they can consider a serious relationship. Meanwhile, they jump from one destructive and unhealthy relationship to another, always questioning why they can’t find the perfect person.

Despite what social media will try to convince you of, there are no perfect relationships. By their very nature, relationships are two imperfect people coming together to try to build a life together. The reality is that it is a very messy business.

The flaws are part of the beauty in a relationship that works.

Different opinions, needs, disaster, and ideas will grind against each other, causing a lot of noise and mess in the process. In the end, you hope that what you create is something beautiful, but it will be flawed. In reading the last sentence, I realized there should not have been a “but” in that sentence. The flaws are part of the beauty in a relationship that works. It is in the flaws that the real stories of triumph live.

We all fall far short of perfect, so we have to stop looking for the ideal mate. You might be thinking something like, “I don’t want someone perfect, just perfect for me.” That person still doesn’t exist, and if they did, you would have a very boring life together. We change and grow in healthy relationships. So do our partners. Just about the time you find a groove, one of you will go off the rails, chasing some new dream or changing up the rules. Change is what makes being in a deeply committed relationship worth the effort.

No part of this is to advocate staying in abusive or unhealthy relationships. Those relationships are unsalvageable, and the faster you get out, the more whole you will be to one day start over. I am talking about not throwing in the towel every time the path gets a little rocky. When the winds of trouble start to blow, it isn’t time to look for the exit. It is time to hold on tighter and to love harder. Love is fierce, and nothing becomes fierce in a tame environment.

Give up on the idea that you will change your partner. It won’t happen, ever. People change when they are genuinely motivated to change. The things that can convince a person to chance come from deep inside themselves. No matter how deeply you love them, you don’t have a key to that inner chamber.

Change for the sake of another person is the only surface deep when it does happen. It doesn’t last, and it is the perfect place for resentment to blossom and grow. So, don’t try to fake a change for your partner, either. If you have a hard time opening up to your partner, and you know that is putting a strain on the relationship, you can change that. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight. But it is only possible if you are making the change for yourself, not for them.

If you ever plan to have children, measure every partner by that yardstick. Is this someone you would want to parent your child? If the answer is no, then what are you doing? Why are you wasting time with someone you wouldn’t want to build a family with? I can see someone in their early 20’s, who want children in a decade or so, rolling their eyes.

Children aren’t on your agenda right now. I understand that. You don’t have to have children with someone you are in a committed relationship with, but you deserve to be with someone you can imagine someday building a family with. That doesn’t mean you should start building a family. It does mean recognizing you are valuable, and if someone isn’t the person you would want to raise children with, then what future do you have?

Stop looking for someone who is going to make you happy. No one has that power but you. You need to avoid people who make you unhappy, but the power of happiness does not rest in the hands of someone else. I cringe every time I hear someone say, “they make me happy.” Guess what? If they have the power to make you happy, they will also have the ability to make you unhappy.

Be best friends with your partner.

Be best friends with your partner. They don’t have to be your only best friend. They should not be your only best friend, but they should fall into that category. Life is messy, and some days you need to crawl into a hole. Find the person who will crawl in with you, except they will bring chocolate, wine, and binge watch Netflix with you because your boss sucks, and your mom just jerked your chain again.

Oh, and don’t forget, you also need to be that person too. Are you ready to show up for the messy stuff? Will you give your partner space because they need to draw into themselves and push the word away for awhile? Will you forgive their moods, or show up with what they need after a bad day? Accept your differences, and celebrate that those are what will keep your relationship exciting.

Nothing in what I am writing is meant to suggest you should settle for less than you want and need in a relationship. Just pause for a reality check and make sure your wants and needs have a basis in reality. Growing together is going to mean living through growing pains.

Walking out on relationships when they get hard means you will never have a successful long-term relationship. Staying the course, letting the winds of time and change shape your course, has rewards beyond measure.

Life is more fun when it is shared with someone you love and who loves you in return. The fight that seems like the end might end up being a shared laugh at some point in the future. Knowing someone has your back makes the world less scary.

When you are in a relationship, and good or bad, they are the first person you want to tell any news; you know you are on to something good. Are they your biggest fan? And are you theirs? If so, then you are on to something good. Don’t let something good disintegrate in a quest for perfection.

For more detailed information on what to do when relationships are hard, you might want to consider: