When I designed the time machine in my novel I wanted the interior to look like an old, worn down office with decade’s old perforated ceiling tiles, dented filing cabinets and water coolers that were so old that the water tasted like tobacco smoke and charity shop clothes. I honestly didn’t want to go for the usual Apple store aesthetic or steampunk bullshit and so when this episode opened with fucking wood fibre acoustical ceiling tiles… fuck me, I was in heaven!

And this episode has one brilliantly creative opening scene; we’re deep in a ceiling tile hole! David Fincher probably watched this part and thought; “Yep, I’m totally going to steal that!”

I remember in the early 2000’s, I had such a hard on for Fincher and Fight Club… I was in awe of the incredible way he was able to craft a scene… blah, blah… yeah, that bit where Edward Norton is talking about the corporate galaxy and the camera travels throw a maelstrom of disposable Starbucks coffee cups and twisted Krispy Kreme boxes. Yeah, cool scene right? Fight Club was so edgy…

Anyway, digressing back to Twin Peaks. Upon first inspection we’re lead to believe that this tunnel that we’re travelling down might be in the woods. It has all the appearances of a rabbit’s warren and all the while we can hear the cries of woman screaming “Daddy!”. We exit the tunnel it is only then that we realise that we’ve exited out of my beloved perforated ceiling tiles… phew! Just give me a moment… right, okay. I’ll stop gushing over fucking ceilings.

The scene properly begins in the interrogation room, the last episode concluded with Leland Palmer being arrested for the murder of Jacques Renault (oh and Donna finding Laura’s secret diary). Ray Wise confesses to murdering the man whom he believed killed his daughter and shit, Ray Wise is just absolutely fucking incredible. From the expressions on Cooper, Truman and Doctor Hayward it’s hard for them to accept.

As Cooper and Hayward leave the room, the good Doctor explains that no man should ever have to bury their child. Cooper asks him is he approves of murder. He utters no and Cooper walks off and then we’re treated to a bit of light comedy when Deputy Andy asks the Doctor if he could re-take his sperm count test. Doc hands him a semen collection cup… because Doctor’s usually carry those kind of things, I guess? And so we kick off this episode’s sub plot; Andy has to have a wank at the Sheriff’s Department.

With a copy of “Fleshworld” in hand, since they’ve got a load of those from a previous episode, he heads of the toilet only to clumsily bump into Lucy. She’s disgusted in him and for good reason… is he going to masturbate with the aid of evidence from an ongoing murder investigation?

I suppose he is!

In the reception, Cooper and Truman are discussing Leland’s claims that Bob lived in a house with a white picket fence. Bob is apparently short for “Robertson” and no one of that name had lived in the house that Leland described, very fishy indeed! Then Andy, being his usual clumsy-self accidentally drops his cum and it rolls under a chair. As he’s bent over, Cooper notices Andy’s new boots… they’re the same brand as the ones they found hidden along with Leo’s drug stash. Andy explains that he purchased a pair from the one-armed man. Following his usual intuition, Cooper needs to find Phillip Gerard AKA the one-armed man… again!

Our next scene introduces us to “Desk Clerk”, she’s played by Bellina Logan and given the amount of dialogue she had and the way she chews the scene you would expect her to become a series regular. Now, I’ve watched every episode and correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t believe she appears again? Anyway, the reason I mention her is because her first acting gig was in a TV show called; “A Man Called Hawk”… so what? You’re probably asking… or not as the case may be, I mention it because I need to reference Star Trek in some way and A Man Called Hawk starred Avery Brookes, you know, Captain Sisko from Deep Space Fucking Nine!

Anyway, “Desk Clerk” is acting so damn much I’m half expecting to see Barry from Eastenders dressed up as the genie from Aladdin because I’ve not seen this much forced enthusiasm from an actress since I last watched pantomime, or children’s TV. She could probably buy Justin’s House and sublet it back to Mr. Tumble!

Shit, these references will be totally lost on my American readers.

So, “Desk Clerk” informs Benjamin Horne that a famous travel writer is heading to Twin Peaks, yep it’s another sub plot. Season Two is filled to the brim with so many sub plots, the main plot practically gets forgotten about. Her enthusiasm impresses Ben and he buggers off to his office where the villainous Jean Renault is waiting for him.

I should mention that Michael Parks, who portrayed Jean Renault sadly passed away this week at time of writing and a part of me is starting to get paranoid. Since I started writing these articles, Warren Frost (Doc Hayward), Miguel Ferrer (Albert Rosenfield) and now Michael Parks have passed away. My shitty articles must be cursed! I also wrote a review on Rogue One and that featured CGI Leia and Carrie Fisher died… it’s like I’m in crappy episode of Goosebumps or something?! Look, if any other cast members die between now and my next article then I’m going to only exclusively write about Theresa May or Donald Trump from now on because no offence, why can’t cunts die instead of people in a beloved cult TV show from the 90’s?

Can I write that? I’m not entirely sure if it’s ethical? Sod it! It’s “satire” guys, we can “joke” about politicians dying right? Like, dying horribly… like, slow combine harvester-related death’ horrible. Getting slowly crushed by a steamroller so that their guts explode out of every facial orifice.

What was I supposed to be writing again?

Oh yeah, Twin Peaks! So, Ben Horne is propositioned by Jean Renault and when I say “propositioned” I mean, “demands ransom” for the safe return of Audrey who has been doped up with what I can only assume is that tasty, tasty heroin. Ben’s not overly pleased, especially when Jean demands that Agent Cooper should be the one to deliver the ransom money.

Ben has no choice but to agree to Jean’s demand.

We catch up with Donna at the Double R Diner where she is picking up Harold Smith’s meals on wheels order from Hank, he’s being his typical slimy-self. Norma is excited to hear that the bloody famous travel writer from this episode’s B plot might make their way to her quintessential American diner. Are they a food critic or a travel writer? I’m not even sure the script even knows and I’m sorry to say but this is certainly a sign of things to come for this series.

Hank’s almost as enthusiastic as “Desk Clerk” and tells Norma that he’s going to head off and buy some table cloths, candles and all that shit just so he can spruce the place up.

Oh and he also asked her to call Big Ed because we’ve got to name drop him since he doesn’t appear in this episode. In fact, where’s Bobby, Shelly… James? Nadine? Where’s half the fucking cast?!

So, Hank asks Norma to call Ed because he works at the gas station and well, maybe this travel writer is going to stop to fill up their car… maybe? What? Why? Who cares?

Donna’s having “TV lunch” with Harold, you know, when actors are in a scene with food and they’re not Brad Pitt so nobody actually eats a single thing. Harold’s boot is almost disturbingly too close to his plate of food, I don’t know why I find that unsettling especially when his boots are most certainly clean since he never leaves his house? Eurgh… I just don’t like it.

Anyway, they’re drinking wine and Harold plucks Laura’s secret diary from the table behind him. It’s the same book from the end of last episode and Harold suggests a toast to the memory of Laura by reading an excerpt. In this case, it’s Laura describing Donna and how she fears that Donna wouldn’t like her if she knew about her particular fantasies. Basically, Laura’s mega cock hungry… like Elsa Jean in a room chock full of massive man meat, pounded until she literally shits out of her ears… anyway, Donna suggests that maybe he gives the diary to the police but he acts typically weird and creepy. He then goes on to explain that because he’s a poncy twat he likes to “write a living novel” about “people” etc.

To each their own.

Ben Horne shows Cooper the video that Jean Renault left him and pleads for Cooper to deliver the ransom money. Ben’s his usual conniving self and I’m really surprised that our favourite FBI agent hasn’t seen through Ben’s ruse, it’s almost as if this episode is, dare I say? Filler?

Honestly, apart from the opening scene there’s not much progression in terms of the main plot but then again this is season two of Twin Peaks, so what do you expect?

I will say that Michael Parks makes for one very memorable villain. He sounds like Pepé Le Pew and he acts just as much like Looney Tunes most famous sex offender. He intimidates and dominates in equal measures and when Emory Battis drags a doped up Audrey into Blackie’s office,

we’re unsure of how far he will go. So when Audrey mentions that Battis had hit her, Michael Park’s Jean Renault guns him down and cradles a devastated Audrey.

Upon first viewing I wasn’t much of a fan in the way they handled Audrey, I felt she was underused and had become just a damsel in distress. In my opinion, she was slowly becoming a wasted opportunity.

Returning to the Sheriff’s Department, Andy is trying his best to reconcile with Lucy. She ends up blowing up at him and he saunters off in rejection. Cooper then tries his best to get to the bottom of Lucy’s problems… it’s his duty as a Special Agent. After all, he’s just solved one out of two murders so he’s free to complete one side quest. I usually do the same when I play Skyrim, once I’ve become the de facto leader of the Dark Brotherhood or fucking College of Winterhold I like to unwind and go back to the sanctity of Whiterun and do a menial side quest, it’s palate cleanser… no one really wants to “Find the Redguard Woman”, who gives a fuck?!

Anyway, Cooper failed a speech check with Lucy because he obviously hasn’t found an Amulet of Dibella nor has he crafted a Fortify Speech potion… and so he speaks to Sheriff Truman about his incredibly illegal rescue mission across the Canadian border.

Back at the Double R and after a scene where Hank and Norma mistake a district attorney for the famous travel writer, Donna and Maddy are chewing the fat in one of the booths, Donna pretends to not be pissed off at Maddy for kinda stealing James even though she hasn’t really… it’s all a bit of a messy love triangle. Donna then lies and says she’s seeing someone else, you know’ Harold Smith because she’s like, really “convincing”. She then goes on to explain that Harold has a copy of Laura’s secret diary. Maddy is so over this shit and I’m left thinking, has Maddy just moved to Twin Peaks? Wasn’t she just visiting for the funeral?

Previously in this episode, Josie Packard has returned with a shit load of shopping. She pretended to be concerned for Pete who is torn up over Catherine’s supposed death in the lumber mill fire. Truman is suspicious of Josie but she does what she does best, act innocent and then utilises her sex appeal to halt any further suspicion from the poor, naive Sheriff.

So they fuck on the sofa and while a storm rages outside we can see Mak Takano peering through the window at them.

Returning to the Sheriff’s Department, we’re introduced to yet another new character; Judge Sternwood who will be presiding over Leland Palmer’s court hearing. He’s played by veteran actor Royal Dano who you may recognise from old movies you’ve never seen… he probably played a thousand cowboys? I dunno. He sounds like how I imagine the KFC guy to sound like but despite looking like a sugar plantation owner, he is certainly likeable and later we discover that he had a hot younger wife because why not?

Season two has a reoccurring theme of old men with girls that are a quarter of their age… it’s a bit like that category on Pornhub that only elderly guys click on.

While we’re here Dick offers to pay for Lucy’s abortion, at least he’s pro-choice!

There’s some other stuff such as the introduction of a rubbery-faced, supposed Japanese man named as Mr. Tojamura played by “Fumio Yamaguchi” and then we discover the link between Josie and Mak Takano. He’s travelled from Hong Kong on behalf of a man named Mr. Eckhardt and he wants her to return to Hong Kong with the insurance money from the lumber mill fire. She then explains that she has a problem with Hank and our episode concludes with a lame early 90’s fist fight in the Double R Diner. Mak Takano is a martial artist because, of course he is! You’ve seen his website, right? Anyway, Hank has all the fighting prowess of William Shatner and Takano hands him an ultimatum; “Don’t fuck with Project Mayhem!”

Look, this is an average episode but at least by the end we’re moving the plot forward… well, not the main “Laura Palmer murder” plot! Cooper is slowly formulating his rescue plan, Donna enlists the help of Maddy to steal Laura’s secret diary and Andy is having his sperm counted again.

I enjoyed the episode but it’s not as good as any of the first season outings so I give this episode; four attempts to pronounce Chuck Palahniuk’s surname out of five.

Also, if you’re a fecalpheliac and you like my shit enough to donate to my internet begging page on Patreon then now you can; price of a coffee or how ever much you like and if you’re not financially endowed enough then feel free to share this with your friends, family, loved ones, pets, strangers, that ex on Facebook you sometimes stalk and while you lament on your own poor life choices, they’re probably fucking their new lover on that sofa that YOU also helped pay for but then you totally screwed it up, didn’t you. Now all you have left is a search history that mostly comprises of Elsa Jean in various compromising positions. (https://www.patreon.com/grahamstoner)