I Support My Large, Sweaty Adult Son, But I Will Throw Him Under the Bus in a Heartbeat

“Fake News reporting, a complete fabrication, that I am concerned about the meeting my wonderful son, Donald, had in Trump Tower. This was a meeting to get information on an opponent, totally legal and done all the time in politics – and it went nowhere. I did not know about it!” — @realDonaldTrump, 8/5/18

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Folks, what more is there to say? I love my big, enormous boy who wears suits because I drilled into his head from birth that there’s nothing classier than a suit. I wholeheartedly support my 40-year-old, sopping wet boy and I believe he is innocent of all wrongdoing. There’s nothing wrong with what he did! However, if it becomes clear that there is something wrong with what he did, please know that my brick-headed, CrossFitting child acted on his own and I knew nothing of it.

My elephant-murdering baby boy is a paragon of morality. He and his weird body that he can’t control while standing or sitting have always acted in accordance with the law. I can think of no person more law-abiding than my always-drenched adult son. Various housekeepers raised him to be a good boy. I wasn’t there to do it because I was too busy flirting with women by bragging about how many chairs I own. If my gigantic ham of a son somehow grew up to be ensnared in a Special Counsel investigation, that is completely on him and I cannot be held responsible. He’s wonderful, but I barely know this massive, oafish boy.

My huge, soggy child would never lie. The truth is, my slimy mannequin son’s initial statement was only misleading because it was dictated by me. According to my legal team, dictating a false statement is not a crime. If it is, in fact, a crime, and my ragtag team of cartoonishly erratic attorneys is incorrect, then please know that my soaked grown-up toddler orchestrated this whole thing on his own. I was an innocent hostage, just off-stage. My immense, slippery boy organized the collusion meeting and then forced me to dictate a misleading statement.

I don’t even understand why we’re having this conversation! These sorts of meetings are done all the time in politics. My hulking, clammy son is no different than members of many other presidential campaigns. Is it really such a crime to accept supposedly incriminating information about a political opponent from Russian government agents? If it is, then there’s only person you need to arrest: my large son who often looks like a newborn deer testing out its legs for the first time. He did this whole thing behind my back. Unlike my beefy offspring, I hate crime and would never take part in it.

Case closed, Mr. Mueller, you did it. You’ve caught the person responsible for my campaign’s crimes: my colossal mayonnaise boy. Please allow me to briefly speak on my humongous adult son’s behalf. He is a criminal and I think you should put him in that prison pit that Bane was trapped in.