No Escape From Hollywood Racism had to shorten its name to fit in a hashtag. But No Escape could have just used #FFFFFF, the perfect RGB color code for this movie and also an acronym for the words spoken by anyone watching this bullshit.



F this bullshit as often as HTML will allow.

Extrapolating from the trailer (which is what trailers are for), No Escape is the heroic struggle of a white man to defend his white woman and white girls from filthy foreigners. Every single one of them, apparently. When they printed the script for No Escape, the pages got whiter. If No Escape's mentality was any more ancient it would have been a better movie, because the white family sailing off the edge of the world would have run into "Here, There Be Dragons" and found some potatoes.

#6. Foreigners Are Zombies

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The entire movie is set in a foreign, non-Caucasian country, and the "Every Word Spoken By A Person Of Color" cut of both trailers can be summed up with this jpg:



You will note that there is no image, just some white.

The foreigners don't speak; they horde, charging in mobs to murder any poor innocent white person they meet, rampaging through hotels apparently drawn to the scent of poor defenseless white women. Which is the entire second act of trailer. No Escape makes it clear that foreigners are a new type of fast zombie that can't even say "brains."

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"KHUOROKBAL!"

It's like Resident Evil 5 (the game about a white guy going to Africa to shoot everyone), except at least that had one black person on the player's side while the white hero mowed down the local population. No Escape imports another white guy to be the local expert. Pierce Brosnan plays the part of the trusted adviser, because in No Escape people are like fantasy dragons -- color-coded by good or evil.

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Connery was a better dragon.

Zombies have a better motivation than these people. At least zombies are hungry. The "foreigners as mindless hordes" theme is so thoroughly installed that the first trailer's big scary final reveal is that the foreigners know how to use tools. I wish I was joking. The white people cheer to see a helicopter approach, and the big slow-motion Inception-noise scare is that it's not a white person inside.

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"They're adapting! To our American tactic of violent suppression from the air!"

Terminators have been rendered more sympathetically. You get the impression that the movie only hired foreigners at all because they're cheaper than buying enough boot polish for white extras.

#5. All Asian Countries Look The Same

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Owen arrives in a foreign country, Pierce cries, "Welcome to Asia!" and that really is as accurate as they can get. We're never sure exactly which darn part of Asia we're in, but they definitely want to kill women and children. That, uh, that really is the entire trailer. Christopher Columbus was a better navigator than that. At least he tried to identify his destination. Asia is a third of the Earth's land mass, and two-thirds of its human population, but Hollywood's binary definition of the world is American or Not-American, and the Not-American is definitely the zero. All Asian countries look the same anyway, right?

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No Escape's writers imagine meeting Premier Li Keqiang.

I understand not wanting to claim a real country had turned caucacidal (especially when you're filming another good reason for them to do so), but the great thing about fiction is that you can make things up. Create an imaginary country instead of implying that all the real ones are savage murderers mere minutes from anarchy. Upper New Asingland. There. Done. All the wonderful implications of thoughtless colonization and exploitation of entire nations -- although in the past that was usually for resources, not movie plots -- and just a touch of foreign implication. Bonus: This name is such an imperialistic suggestion of just going and slapping a few stupid English words over an entire foreign culture it could double as a back-up script for No Escape.

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Couldn't they have picked some of the awesome stupid cliches?

Even the "friendly introduction" scenes at the start of the trailer are scared shitless of foreigners. These scriptwriters boil their hands after using a remote to change away from foreign-language movies. Street scenes in Asialand get the same brooding background music normally heard as sexy teens sneak into the abandoned zombie-virus laboratory. Owen stumbles around the baffling and foreign mysteries you could see in any city's Chinatown. Apparently that plane that took him around the world also carried him a few centuries back in time. The foreboding music escalates to fiveboding, maybe even sixboding, when a vendor brutally beheads a fish with a cleaver.

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"AVENGE ME!" (Translated from fish, which is more translation than anything else in the trailers gets.)

Not like in the USA, where fish presumably have the vote and use sheer can-do attitude and free market economy to turn themselves into processed fish fingers for consumption. Which is actually more accurate a model of American capitalism than I intended.

#4. The Suffering Of White Tourists

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The murderous self-destruction of an entire country undergoing civil war presents a bit of a hassle for visiting Americans. And that really is the only angle presented. It's not like there could be any local innocents threatened by the violence. We all know foreigners revolt by a sort of crude lemming instinct, a species-wide urge that admits to no free will or individuality. The only languages in the world are American English and Violent Borg.

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"PHEAP THN KU KMEAN BRAYOCH!"

In even the worst disaster movie you usually have a local dog, but I'd be terrified of what this writer thinks happens to dogs in Asiatlantis. The only downside of this country's utter destruction is ruining Owen Wilson's trip. You can almost see him prissily thumbing in his Yelp Review: "The Entirety of Asia: Locals can't even speak English, and they murder everyone who can for no reason. Also, no Starbucks. Zero stars."

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Owen Wilson realizing he can't pay with Bitcoin.

Revolutions certainly aren't violent horrors that the majority try to survive. No, in Mysterious Asialand, they've got their squiggled moon-calendars marked clearly: First-day wish you were American, other-day publicly execute a fish, too-many-calendar-overflow-ERROR GRAB MACHETES AND PISTOLS AND RAMPAGE TREATING AMERICANS LIKE FISH.