Sending students home will inevitably deny many the expression of their identity

Prizm News / March 14, 2020 / By Ken Schneck, Editor /

Though Montvale, NJ and Washington Square Park are only 30 miles apart, leaving the Garden State for NYU in 1995 was more like sailing across an ocean than quickly driving across the Hudson.

The freedom to be gay was immediate and intoxicating. It was a feeling of liberation unlike anything I had ever experienced: I left behind the constant barrage of “faggot” being hurled my way in the hallways. I left behind the desolation of not encountering any other out gay people in my daily travels. And I left behind the ever-present fear of expressing any sentiment or action or wayward sibilant “s” that would tip my rainbow-covered cards.

But I also left behind my parents. Growing up, I neither heard Terri nor Barry Schneck say one negative thing about LGBTQ+ people. They never actively promoted heteronormativity. Heck, I never even got the legendary “talk” about differently gendered birds and bees cross-polinating. Still, I never even remotely considered coming out to them.

We talked every two or three days on the phone after I left. Sometimes more. I changed the pronouns when retelling my dating escapades. I never mentioned my attendance at meetings of Queer Union. And I certainly did not regale them with tales of my unforgettable renditions of “Suddenly Seymour” at Nuts & Bolts, my West Village watering hole.

I needed that space to figure out who I was, to come to terms with my own internalized confusion-turned-depression-turned-joy about being outside the norm, and to determine who little Kenny Schneck was outside of being the dutiful son to my parents.

This wasn’t just my own personal journey. It is a well-worn path buoyed by actual research and it led me to my day job as a professor of student development theory. I wholeheartedly believe in—and have thus dedicated my career to—the idea that college offers a unique opportunity for students in higher education, some breathing room for not only an immersion in an academic discipline (or four), but also for an exploration of identity and sense of self that can result in a more contributing and compassionate citizenry post-college.

Unbeknownst to me as a gay college student at the time, I was steadily progressing through all seven vectors put forth by Arthur Chickering, the mythical Zeus of student development theory. The most salient for me was the third vector: the movement through autonomy toward interdependence. Those 30 miles away from my parents are what ultimately enabled me to be pretty (sporadic), witty (occasionally), and gay (always).

COVID-19 will now hamper that opportunity for LGBTQ+ students. The (very necessary) decision by so many colleges and universities to send students home also mandates that students return to environments where they don’t feel safe or comfortable living their authentic LGBTQ+ lives. My story pales in comparison to the actively homophobic homefronts from which so many of my students hail.

It is heartening to see attention being paid to housing and food insecurity experienced by college students, but we also need to consider the psychological and physical ramifications of these students now having to go back in the closet, ranging from being suddenly cut off from LGBTQ+ culture to our trans siblings not being able to access treatments they were able to receive at their college’s Health Services.

If you’re in contact with an LGBTQ+ college student who has been sent home for the foreseeable future, here are some quick ideas:

Suggest co-watching an LGBTQ+ documentary streaming online and then discuss it afterwards. This will help the LGBTQ+ student see their place in a wider culture and ultimately feel less alone. Some choice picks: Kumu Hina, Matt Shepard is a Friend of Mine, and Strike a Pose.

Please do not blithely advise them to come out, particularly if their financial, emotional, or physically dependence would be put at risk.

Send them links of short, digestible clips to brighten their day. Even better if the audio has no identifiable audio LGBTQ+ content (and can thus be watched in the kitchen with family nearby), like the indefatigable In a Heartbeat and the never-fails-to-get-me-choked-up SIGN – A Silent Film.

Check in on them. Then do it tomorrow. And the day after that.

After I left for NYU, I never spent another college break back in New Jersey. 25 years later, I can appreciate how much I needed that distance, as it ultimately helped bring me closer to my parents. The effects of the Coronavirus will erase that distance between so many LGBTQ+ students and their families. Please be there for them in any way you can. They may not be able to access you physically, but they need contact from you now more than ever.