Summer is the perfect time to jet off the Europe, but not for you! Thanks to your menial office job, you definitely won’t be running with bulls or visiting ancient ruins this summer because you’ll be too busy bringing your lunch to work, you peasant. Here are the best European hideaways you won’t be visiting, because you’re too poor, you silly poor person.

La Playa de Xagó – Llodero, Spain

If you’re going to Spain, a country rife with stunning architecture, sophisticated food culture and unparalleled nap culture, you might want to check out this “surfer’s paradise” that’s far from the madding crowd. Too bad you’ll be spending hours a week at your bus stop, sweating out of your butt, you disgusting plebeian.

The Gilded Balloon – Edinburgh, Scotland

Students, tourists and locals flock to Edinburgh every summer to see cutting-edge theater, music, comedy, and dance. The Gilded Balloon is a gorgeous, diverse venue where you can find everything from Taiwanese singing acrobats to a witty one-man band on a penny-farthing. Too bad you have to balance being an admin assistant and caring for your sick cat this summer, you fishmonger’s daughter, you.

Slottsskogen Park – Gothenburg, Sweden

You screwed your chance to study abroad in college, but it’s never too late to make the trip out to Sweden to attend an authentic Midsummer celebration like the one in Slottsskogen Park. Of course, you won’t be going anytime soon since you don’t have a savings account, you pathetic serf!

Christ Church Meadow – Oxford, United Kingdom

The historic grounds of Christ Church Meadow are the perfect place to go punting on the Thames or walk where John Locke once strolled. Marvel at the centuries of scholarship and tradition in the air! It’s an aristocratic destination you can only dream of because you are a mere commoner, silly fool.

The Island of Santorini, Greece

This small, historical island is famous for its stunning views, fish markets, idyllic white houses and very own active volcano. The closest look you’ve ever had at a Grecian island was in the Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants movie. You know why? Because you’re a penniless halfwit just like your vile mother. Have fun learning to ride a used bike this summer, rube!

Plitvice National Park, Croatia

This once-in-a-lifetime sight has lush waterfalls and sixteen lakes connected by natural dams. The brilliantly green, blue and grey waters must be seen to be believed. Not that you’ll ever see it yourself, you simpleton. Better drown your groundling sorrows away in a grimy tavern with the soiled townsfolk tonight!

Chin up, street urchin. It isn’t all that bad. If you can’t travel, just find a quaint public beach or park for celebrations, and then eat a hot dog there, you pitiful beggar!