South Bend, IN: Researchers at Notre Dame have published a study claiming that video game addicts, also known as “gamers,” lose their virginity long after their non-gaming peers. The study, which was conducted over a three-year-long span, states that the average gamer loses his or her virginity around the age of thirty-four, whereas the average person loses their virginity sometime in their late teens – a difference of more than fifteen years.

“We spoke with around six thousand people who identified themselves as gamers,” said Scott Pilgrim, head researcher. “what we discovered didn’t surprise us all that much. If you sit inside playing video games on a regular basis for hours at a time, chances are, you’re not bumping uglies with hot babes. Or hot dudes.”

Cordelia Chambers, who conducted nearly five hundred of the interviews, is in agreement. “You should have seen some of these guys and girls I met with. Many of them were pale, socially awkward misfits who seemed surprised to learn that losing your virginity in your mid-thirties is unusual. Especially those weirdos that play games like World of Warcraft and the Call of Duty series for 8 hours a day or more. They were, by far, the weirdest and least attractive. And then you have the league of unemployed. They don’t see anything wrong with living at home and collecting unemployment so that they could play their stupid games. This study actually made me hate people – specifically gamers.”

Howard Buchanon, a self-described thirty-seven-year-old “gaming junkie” from Portland, Oregon is offended by the study. “So what if I’m a virgin and live at home with my parents? There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s better than being out in the real world and dealing with people. People freak me out, man. I’d much rather skip down the World of Warcraft streets with my lovely ladyfriend elf goddess, Selmira. She gets me, you know? Also, I have a job. I’m a wizard, okay? It’s not that easy of a job.”

Josh Turner, a thirty-year-old resident of Peoria, Illinois, who is known to his fellow Call of Cuty gamers as Ilovebabes6969, agrees with Buchanon. “Dude, like, whatever. I don’t even care if you judge me. I dare you to come into one of my games and watch me frag you. I’ll own you in, like, two seconds. And for the record, I’m not a virgin. I lost my virginity, like, years ago, dude. Also, I have a girlfriend in Alaska. Her name is Gamerchickfromalaska and she is so hot you wouldn’t believe it.”

Pilgrim is amused by the reactions he’s heard from gamers. “They all say the same things and think that this study exaggerates the truth. I assure you that it does not. They all seem to have virtual mates who they met over the internet and are of the belief that such relationships are born out of love. Meanwhile, if you ask half of them, they’ve never met their online girlfriends or spouses and half of them have yet to even speak to their loved ones over the phone. My guess is that all of the ‘hot babes’ are nothing more than 50-year-old men.”