We're now entering the mandatory hype period for the Jurassic World sequel -- and for good reason, too. The first one made $1.6 billion at the box office. It's at a solid 70 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and went on to be the seventh-highest-grossing Blu-ray in the U.S. The film was a shining success by every metric there is.

Well, except mine. I hated Jurassic World like an anal rash. I walked out of it the first time I saw it, because I'd rather be in a porn theater with Brett Ratner than a regular theater playing Jurassic World. To me, this was the Phantom Menace of the Jurassic Park franchise -- a popular film, heavily praised, which would ultimately be considered a baffling cinematic shart once the nostalgia dust cleared.

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I know this sounds like the opinion of one angry man with a possible cornhole affliction, but I'd like you to take a second and allow me to calmly explain why I'm objectively correct. This was a visually broken film made by a boardroom of glossed dildos who had no idea why the original movie was so beloved. And I'm going to prove it right now. Calmly and briefly, like some kind of pedantic monk.

The film starts on a meta observation by Bryce Dallas Howard's character, as one of her first lines is "Let's be honest, no one's impressed by a dinosaur anymore." This single bit of dialogue serves as the crutch on which the entire movie slumps, a lazy sentiment I've seen countless times when people defend why they enjoyed this film. "Hey, it was a stupid fun time! You can't expect it to have the same impact as Jurassic Park, a movie made 20 years ago!" Only the truth isn't that moviegoers are no longer impressed by seeing a dinosaur, but that Jurassic World had no goddamn idea how to make a dinosaur impressive. But they choose to neg the audience instead of owning up to it, like biting someone's dick off and then declaring "People just don't like blowjobs anymore."