Dear The Australian,

First of all I'd like to say how sorry I am that in the long run your very nice friend Tony Abbott wasn't able to throw enough cash dollars at Rob Oakeshott's big fat mouth* to win him over and then had to stand on stage like a gracious second-place beauty queen smiling stiffly and singing the national anthem. Election 2010 was a big mess, all of it, and you have every right to feel aggrieved and I am hereby sending this sympathy card to let you know that I understand your pain and I Am Here For You.

It's hard, isn't it, when you want something so very badly and it's taken away from you at the last minute? It's like being offered the breast of the roast chook and only ending up with the giblet part usually reserved for waving around menacingly and making your sister shriek with horror. And it's not that you haven't been very good at hiding your seething aggravation, you have. It's all been very admiringly what-ho/stiff-upper-lip/let's-just-get-on-and-pretend-nothing's-happened 'round your way. We need, however, to talk about that time you recently dropped the ball and stated rather rashly that you wanted to 'destroy' the Greens.

It's such an evocative word, isn't it? Destroy. Now it's not my place to tell you how to run your life The Australian, but you might want to think about choosing your language more carefully in future so that the rest of the country isn't so privy to your private internal distress. How about 'Annihilate' The Greens? How about 'Massacre'? How about 'Grab The Greens by their faggy, tree-hugging throats and slit them from guts to garter'? There are a number of interesting options available when you put your mind to it, and I know you're capable of being creative, I've read your Jack the Insider blog.

And look, for the most part you've managed to rally the troops with only the odd rogue columnist letting the side down in the quest to remain an impartial media outlet. The very excitingly named Glenda Korporaal took time out between bursts of wracking sobs and presumably intense grief counselling to pen what could well be in the running for 'Most Idiotic Premise For A Supposedly Serious Opinion Piece' when she covered - in a slightly obscene amount of detail - the reasons why Julia Gillard is incapable of running the country because she deigns not to carry a handbag.

"While the rest of us who apparently hold up half the world struggle to fish out our mobile phones from overstuffed handbags, our Julia strides the corridors of power hands free," trilled Korporaal with unbridled rage, adding helpfully, "While one does not want to do a Bill Heffernan here given Gillard's historic achievements, it is certain our first female Prime Minister has never had to go through the tote-bag-as-mobile-nursery routine that is the lot of mothers of young children."

I have included a Haigh's dark chocolate peppermint frog for Glenda, as well as a pamphlet entitled 'When Death Enters Your Life: A Grief Pamphlet for people in prisons or jails' which may not be entirely pertinent but was the best I could muster on my tight budget/schedule.

Still there's hope for you yet The Australian, there is, there is. Given Gillard's breathlessly slim margin (waifishly thin, anorexically slender; teetering hopefully about like an underfed Grid Girl) there's every chance this carefully crafted Jenga parliament could collapse in a clattering mess before Antony Green has a chance to say "So now am I allowed to go to bed?"

And then your very good friend Tony Abbott will be in charge and all will be well, and Barnaby Joyce will have a few ribald things to say and Phillip Ruddock will maintain his tight and disturbing grip on Wyatt Roy and you'll once again get the chance to stick the boot in to all the flag-waving pinkos currently lurking the corridors at the ABC dragging the country down to their depraved level.

But for now, chin up! Stay strong! You have my best wishes, The Australian! And those of the nation! Things will get better for you, I promise!

Warmest, comrade,

Marieke Hardy. X

P.S. I hope the native bouquet wasn't too ostentatious. I requested a Stripagram as an addendum but the lady at reception told me the last time they sent you one Janet Albrechtsen ate her.

* Is he still standing at that lectern rambling on? A friend of mine in Canberra told me he swears he saw Oakeshott still on 'point 138 of why I was forced to make this very difficult and momentous decision' but I'm suspicious that he's having me on. Any advice, etc.

Marieke Hardy is a writer and regular panelist on the ABC's First Tuesday Book Club.