If you’re easily offended by people criticizing religion, please don’t read this blog post. While it’s not meant to hurt feelings or single anyone out specifically, it will probably be quite offensive to some.

Now, I don’t have a problem with most people’s belief in their god of choice. The fact of the matter is, I really don’t care what you believe as long as A)you don’t try to convert me, and B)it helps you to be a better person in your secular life. What starts getting me annoyed is when I hear stuff like 1/3 of Americans believe the bible to be literally true. Really? Like, literally literally? Well, that got me to thinking…

Let’s say Jesus existed. I don’t know whether or not he actually lived, but I like to think so. Let’s assume he did for the sake of this post. If I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t want to be around for the actual Jesus part. No, I’d want to go back to just after the ascension. Remember, The Apostles thought Jesus was coming back soon. If we take the bible to be literally true, we see proof of this in Matthew 10:23 and Revelation 22:12(I think there are other references, but I’m too lazy to look them up right now).

So, I’d like to go back to about 20 years after the ascension. You know, when people were starting to realize hey, maybe he’s not actually coming back. I want to see the rationalization and excuses and interpretations that started happening. Like the one about how Jesus/Heaven time isn’t the same as Earth time. Stuff like that.

It’s like Jesus was one of those Dads who says he’s going to the store for a pack of smokes and never comes home. When you ask how long he’s gonna be he tells you “I’ll be back when I’m back, JESUS!” and slams the door. Here you are, 20 years later, still watching the door. Waiting for him to come home. When someone tells you to give it up, he’s never coming back and you need to get on with your life, the 8-year-old in you comes out and you scream, “HE SAID HE’S COMING BACK! Just you wait! When he gets back he’s gonna give me everything I want. He’ll take me to the carnival and buy me a pony and I’ll always be young and happy and never sad again EVER! And then you’ll be SORRY you EVER said those things about him. Just wait, it’s going to be SO FUCKING AWESOME and you won’t get to join the awesome because you’re a big fat MEANIE who doesn’t BELIEVE!”

Look, I’m not saying don’t believe in whatever you want to believe. I’m just saying, don’t take any text that has been translated and interpreted and chopped up and reordered over the last 2,000+ years as complete 100% verbatim truth. I get that you really want it to be totally true. But that doesn’t mean it is. I fucking LOVE the Harry Potter series and I wish it was a true story. That doesn’t mean I’m waiting for my letter from Hogwarts to arrive by owl post any time soon… well, not really…

:: looks out window for owl ::

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