Control Middle-earth--and likely all male Elves, Wizards, Orcs, Dragons, Dwarves, Ents, and Hobbits--for under $100. You don't even have to enter into battle or acquire Rings of Power. Leave it to Black Milk Clothing to recruit ladies' legs as a mapping medium for Tolkien's famed continent. The Middle-earth leggings will guide wearers on quests to The Hobbiton, Comic-Con, and the very epicenter of every geek's heart.

Though the leggings will be a bulls-eye for despicable beasts, Nazgul, and perhaps even Sauron himself, ladies who understand what Missy Elliott meant when she said, "Rump shakin' both ways, make 'em do a double take," will know how to stun pursuers in their tracks and, from the sage wisdom of Sir Mix-a-Lot, "itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face" them into submission.

Middle-earth map leggings are mostly polyester, with enough spandex thrown in to make them technically wearable by about 15% of the people who probably shouldn't put them on.