WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking madness they have begotten. “Simply put, there is at present insufficient evidence against the Trump administration to justify the tearing of blindfolds from Republican eyes at this point, and therefore, we remain safe from gazing in horror at the maelstrom of sheer insanity that we ourselves have loosed upon the world,” said Hatch, claiming it would be woefully premature for Congress to commit themselves to any course of action in which they might glimpse the unveiled face of the ravening madness vomited into existence by them and them alone. “Perhaps six months from now, as even more damning details of the president’s action are divulged, we can more confidently open our eyes to the corrosive reality we unleashed when we damned ourselves by giving birth to this repellent idiot abomination, suckling it on the putrescence of our own squalid ambition, weaning it with pain and hatred in our foul nest of all-consuming mania to slaver forever in the fetid darkness, untouched by mercy or hope. But until then, the GOP will take the wait-and-see approach.” At press time, Hatch declined to support measures to ensure the preservation of the republic should Congress stare into the abyss of their own blasphemous hypocrisy and, in so doing, be consumed by it.

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