The Impotent Satyr

"I can outrun any woman but momma."

The Trump administration has made it official--The United States of America is getting a sixth branch of the military whose sole purpose is to keep women at a physical distance from Vice President Mike Pence. The former Governor of Indiana has allowed only one cooties infection within his body in the last 60 years. The last time the virus coursed through his bloodstream and ravaged his sensitive body was 1985, and he's been addicted to Karen Pence ever since.





"She's my drug," the Vice President told The Impotent Satyr. "But not really--I've never done drugs. But if I were to do drugs, which I wouldn't, the only one I would do would be Karen. But she is of the human species--not a drug--as am I. Beep Boop."





Mr. Pence has been on Donald Trump's case since they both took office in the beginning of 2017. However, he's had to veer away from the President, drastically altering his course within The White House halls, whenever a female staffer enters the room he currently occupies. So that has made conveying his Space Force idea to his boss rather difficult.





Even setting up this interview was difficult, as Mike got himself stuck in a loop after demanding that I physically show him that I'm not a woman, but then not wanting to see my, or any other man's, genitalia for fear of turning gay, but still demanding proof of my gender. But then again he might develop a taste for penis upon my unsightly revelation, and that would be bad, but it would be worse if I was a woman alone with him. So the two of us hung out in limbo until I presented my ID card that showed my sex. Of course, he then had to challenge its authenticity with a classic bite test. After he unclenched his jaw, he gave me the nod of approval, and we started the interview.





"I just need muscle-bound men with guns and testosterone to keep the women around me at a forty-foot buffer while I go about my job here in The White House," Pence explained. "If a woman gets too close, I'll need a large male with veins pumping, pectorals on the eve of bursting through a white Hanes T-shirt, to tackle me to the ground and cover my entire body with theirs while the threat is neutralized. And once the female has been dealt with, I must put my faith inside the rough, calloused hands of this elite squad of guys cumming to my rescue and stowing me away in a secluded room where it's just me, them, and sound-proof walls that will conceal us for hours while my Space Force protects me."





It was at this point that the Vice President began to sweat profusely. He demanded to see my ID card again, which he again bit.





"I apologize. I need this Space Force more than anything right now. I've been having these strange thoughts and feelings... There must be local women in my area who want to chat with me. Oh, the horror!"





Mike Pence then ran over to his desk, ripped out his computer, and threw it at the face of a passing female intern who was subsequently tackled to the ground by a zero-gravity Space Force Marine.