THERESA May has promised MPs a free vote on the ‘nation-defining’ issue of whether vicars can still greet policemen while cycling past village greens at sunset.

The prime minister pledged to allow a frank and open debate about whether tea should still be served on manicured lawns to retired army officers who write to the local newspaper.

She said: “Unlike Labour, my team still believe in schoolchildren in caps and short trousers scrumping apples while accompanied by a scruffy but sweet-natured dog.

“There will be a free vote on whether bobbies on the beat should continue good-naturedly tousling the hair of youngsters while bidding the town’s spinster librarian a fine evening.

“Would Jeremy Corbyn allow his party to vote in favour of warm ale drunk to the reassuring jingle of Morris men dancing? Certainly he hasn’t said so.”

Voter Norman Steele said: “Finally, a prime minister not afraid of the real issues confronting our nation in the 21st century.”