Step 1: Don’t talk about pot. If you talk about pot you’re clearly a spineless pansy whose only means of self-esteem comes from the blessing of liberal acceptance. Holding the belief that marijuana is a victimless crime can’t be tolerated. YOU sir or madam, are the worst kind of political pond scum. The type that bottom feeds looking for your one chance to join the cool crowd.

“Hey, hey guys, over here! I’m not an unreasonable conservative. I want to legalize pot! Can I come to your poetry reading and sip chilled Pinot Grigio with the cool kids???”

It’s ONLY the sackless that understand imprisoning multiple generations of black males is a terrible idea for upward social mobility (adding to entitlement costs), or causing the enrichment of Mexican drug lords to the point of political instability, in one of our closest trade partners and neighbors, is a remarkably retarded (my favorite word) idea.

How dare you? All those billions spent on the “War on Drugs” is money well spent! Deficit be damned! Get over your childish need to be liked by the scarf and brie crowd! Cowboy up man and strap on a pair.

Shove your position on employment discrimination down their throat! That’s what MEN do.

Step 2: DON”T YOU DARE question the war in Iraq. The role of the government is to protect it’s people at ANY cost. It doesn’t matter where the 9/11 bombers came from! Don’t you understand?

God, you’re so needy. So yearning to be liked. Saddam was looking for Uranium in Niger!

Don’t you read the news? Saddam was an URGENT threat. Listen, you need to think of America as the Jimmy John’s of Freedom. We deliver Freedom FREAKY FAST.

6,000 dead American soldiers be damned.

Wait, What did you just say? The trillions spent were all for nothing? Don’t you know as a Conservative I have immunity from economic attacks in issues of war?

You whiny little girl! Who told you an invasion on foreign soil opens yourself up to attack and supplies future American hatred to generations of Middle Easterners? Be a man. People are easy to search when they’re dead.

Opposing Iraq is like requesting to be punched in the face by me and my friends down at the C.U.N.T.R.A.G.S. (Club of UNattached Thirty-plus Rug & Ass Grabbing Singles). Have you ever seen Bertha throw a left hook? It’s like getting hit by Iron Mike. Protect yourself and DON’T mention Iraq!

Quit appealing to those gutless Liberals with your promises of non-intervention. They won’t respect or accept you. Tell them that security from terrorists should come at all costs. Then you’ll have my respect…and protection.

Step 3: I swear to God if you Libertarians don’t shut up about gay marriage I’m going to start sending you Snapchats of when Blitzer and I get rocked on hash and have naked Grateful Dead dance sessions in my DC studio apartment, or as other’s know it, the MAXI pad (Men Are eXcuses for Insemination).

Gays CAN get married! As long as it’s to a member of the opposite sex. I mean, science has proven their love is different than heterosexual love. I can quote you thousands of statistics from comprehensive peer reviewed studies done by the American Family Institute.

Marriage is THE institution to civilize the young and impressionable. What would happen if we had a society full prancing men gushing about how much they love their test tube baby? Give me a cold and distant father and a domestically abused mother ANY DAY.

Yuck, just one night with a gay marriage supporter in my S & M room and they wouldn’t miss guaranteed spousal benefits one bit!

You would want the government out of marriage you pusillanimous yellow belly. I can just hear you whimpering:

“Speaker Nancy, Congressman Barney, look look! We’re just like you, everyone in love should be able to get married. That’s what this world is about isn’t it? Love?”

You make me sick with your transparent pandering! Look at me, I’m a glutton for punishment. Not only do I want to promote marriage, but I want to make it damn near impossible to get divorced. Cancelling a gym membership hard. Try selling that on the DC cocktail circuit, then and maybe then, will I stop calling you a pussy.

Let’s be realistic. Government IS involved in marriage and it isn’t going away. You know why? Cause I LIKE it that way. You non-aggression principled lilies need to quit sucking up to liberals and gays. If you had any courage at all you would lead with Austrian Economic Philosophy every time you debated them, ok? Nothing sells like the Austrian School. It’s a known fact.

I’m writing this because I care. Because I don’t want you to get hurt. I know pain. Don’t worry about trying to appeal to non-committed Democrats with your openness and acceptance of alternative lifestyles.

Put your best foot forward and lead with the vegetables. Only a coward tries to seduce the undecideds with dessert. Look how effective it’s been for us Conservatives?

Ridding yourself of the pussy name is difficult. But I know you can do it. Want me to prove it? Here’s a picture of me on the set of

“The 5 Angry Beavers”

If I can get through 7 uninterrupted minutes of badgering by these broads, then surely you can sell Libertarianism without resorting to pot and gay marriage.

You do that and I promise the C.U.N.T.R.A.G.S and I will stop calling you pussies. Consider this guide an investment in your government mandated health plan.

Sincerely,

Your Concerned Friend Fake Ann Coulter

P.S. Don’t forget to pre-order my new book “Udder Fascination: Clamping Off The Lactating Tit of Government Spending”

Written in response to this video:

[youtube id=”nfAjdEHYb60″]

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