275. I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

274. Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle "Do not have more than two." Well then do not put a candy coating around it.

273. I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

272. I fuckin' hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like, "Fuck you, I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

271. Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

270. I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!" [Listen]

269. I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying "he loves me, he loves me not." Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? "Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty... And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!" [Listen]

268. Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.

267. That would suck if you became a priest and the day came where you had to fight the devil, you'd be like "Shit, I didn't think that was for real!"

266. You know that show "My Three Sons"? That'd be funny if it was called "My One Dad".

265. I ran some Evian water through a filter... the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure.

264. I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said "All right, fuck back on."

263. Gel's funny. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up.

262. When I'm on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else's floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I'm like "You're on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don't think I can ride with you." [Listen]

261. I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over." [Listen]

260. Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races ... because you would be there fuckin' days. [Listen]

259. Man, remember that movie The Outsiders and one of the guys name was "Soda Pop", and at the time it was cool?... It's not cool right now. Your nickname was "Soda Pop"... you would be dead. [Listen]

258. I remixed the remix... it was back to normal.

257. My manager's cool, he gets concerned, he says, "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. [Listen]

256. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down." [Listen]

255. When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... sp." [Listen]

254. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. [Listen]

253. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

252. Alcoholism is a disease. But it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. [Listen]

251. I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor.".... Damn gravity. You got me again. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall. [Listen]