July 4, 2017

CHAPPAQUA — Hillary Clinton surrendered to federal authorities on Tuesday after a nine-hour standoff involving a series of tense negotiations and a brief exchange of gunfire with Kazakh mercenaries. The former secretary of state was transferred to a federal prison facility in Cumberland, Md., where she will await trial on charges of corruption, racketeering, treason, voter fraud, planning the Benghazi attack, associating with perverts, and disseminating "fake news."

FBI Director Louie Gohmert praised the operation as "a victory for justice," hours after Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a 612-page indictment against the failed presidential candidate at a press conference in Washington. "Hillary Clinton embodies the tyranny our Founding Fathers fought to eradicate," Gohmert said in a statement. "Congrats to President Trump for keeping his promise to LOCK HER UP" [emphasis in original].

The FBI opened a formal investigation into Hillary Clinton's criminal deviance in early June, days after Gohmert was sworn in as successor to James Comey, the disgraced former director who was fired by the president in May. Comey's dismissal sparked protests across the country, as millions of angry voters took to the streets imploring President Trump to fulfill his campaign promise to imprison Hillary for her myriad crimes against the American people.

Many in the "fake news" media were stunned when Attorney General Sessions announced the indictment on Tuesday. During a subsequent briefing with Justice Department communications director Tomi Lahren, reporters broke down in tears and babbled hysterically about Hitler. Lahren mocked a failing New York Times correspondent who tried to disrupt the briefing by commandeering "the people's microphone" before being dragged off by federal agents.

"Hillary's arrest is a defeat for the cucks in the lamestream press who have devoted their lives to protecting a corrupt murderer," Lahren said. "She will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and shown no mercy."

It was the most highly-rated Justice Department briefing in history, according to President Trump.

President Trump, along with Sessions and Gohmert, watched the standoff at the Clinton's Chappaqua estate via a live feed in the situation room and tweeted throughout the ordeal.

Hillary's arrest is another the victory for the president, whose executive order authorizing the detention of journalists at Guantanamo Bay was recently upheld by the Supreme Court. Trump told Sean Hannity in a phone interview that Hillary's indictment would give Republicans the momentum they needed to pass a "massive" tax reform plan, and allow him to "focus on bringing foreign terrorists to justice, as opposed to the domestic kind. We just locked up a big one."

Thousands of revelers gathered outside the White House to celebrate the occasion, while a handful of low-energy protesters looked on in dismay. White House officials said the president planned to invite GOP lawmakers to the Rose Garden on Wednesday for a "fabulous" ceremony featuring a full musical set performed by Mike Huckabee.