Relations between men and women are strained right now. Sexual assault and harassment allegations and the #MeToo movement have sparked a wave of hurt and anger. Many men are ashamed of their sex. As the effect of toxic masculinity is laid bare, there’s a growing realisation that living in a patriarchy isn't just bad for women. Perhaps that’s why one slightly out there, slightly taboo, and very feminine-focussed practice is growing in popularity in Britain.

What is orgasmic meditation?

Orgasmic meditation, or OM for short, is not a sexual practice, even though it happens on a body part usually associated with sex (it involves another person stroking a clitoris for fifteen minutes, while wearing gloves and using lube.) The experience is a bit like yoga, in that you tune into in your body and feel every sensation, and a bit like meditation because you watch thoughts arise and let them go without judgement.

Is orgasmic meditation for men?

Men can be "strokers" but are not stroked. There’s no penetration and there’s no romance, kissing, eye gazing or penis play. The focus is entirely on the female genitals. Women are said to benefit in many ways from OM, including reduced stress levels and more intense orgasms. But why do men do it?

Christoph Jescheck

Chris Jescheck, 33, from Munich, who has been practicing for years, initially asked himself the same question. He said, “In the beginning I thought I should quit, because I’m giving something to her and I’m not getting anything in return. Something shifted after a few times. I felt energised, I felt more awake after OM. And I realised the practice is not about ‘getting something in return’.”

As well as having more energy, strokers say the practice reveals unconscious beliefs around sex, one being this idea that, “If I do something to them, they should do something to me”. This goalless practice also peels back a layer of sexual conditioning around aiming for climax.

Will, 33, from London

Will, 33, from London, who started attending orgasmic meditation classes in August, said, “Before OM almost all of my sex life was pretty goal-orientated - sex would end when I came and if before that she came, then that was good sex - we had both climaxed. In that realm I was perfectly successful.

“But then when you find yourself sitting down doing a practice in a very intimate space with no goal and no formula or technique and all there is to do is experience yourself and the moment, it’s really confronting.

“You realise, in the full light of a room, how genitals look different, that you’re not totally comfortable with the layout - you feel a million miles away from a suave James Bond character who knows what he’s doing.”

For Will though, becoming comfortable with this “not knowing”, especially when it came to women, was empowering. Suddenly he felt able to ask questions when he didn’t quite understand what women were saying.

“Part of that was not feeling like I had to get it straight away. I felt more humble, but I didn’t feel that made me any less-than. It was fine to admit I didn’t know everything.”

This pressure to be perfect was replaced with an increased sense of curiosity and willingness to learn, leading to one unexpected outcome.

“The most interesting manifestation of this whole thing is that my relationship with my mum got lots better, because I started actually listening to her and finding out what I was missing, so we’re not banging heads all the time. That was interesting - I didn’t think that my pussy-stroking practice would improve my relationship with my mother, but there we go.”

It’s hard to understand how a genital-stroking practice could be transformational, but many strokers say they are more able to tune in to their bodies, giving them greater access to feelings and physical sensations.

Chris explained how it developed for him. He said, “When I’m stroking, I concentrate and put my attention on my finger and what I feel in my body. You’re stroking the clitoris - a highly sensitive spot. Over time, you start feeling more - the first thing for me was a vibration in my left index finger, then a tingling in my chest”. Through this, he cultivated a level of attention that saw him feel more in all areas of his life.

He said, “I used to be in my head a lot. I was very bad at feeling things. If a situation was awkward, I didn’t feel it at all. I have something now to rely on to see if something is true and good. It feels good in my body.”

Two other male strokers shared similar experiences. Ross Norman, 35, from Chatham in Kent, has been practicing for over three years. He said, “I’m more sensitive and aware of my impact and of how I’m feeling in a moment, rather than just suppressing my feelings and getting on with it.”

Eduardo Barbella, 26, who is originally from Venezuela but lives in London, said getting out of his head helped his anxiety. He said, "It shuts down those negative thoughts. Before I was scared to leave my room, even getting groceries I would get really anxious. Now I’m more centred and confident."

After practicing for eighteen months, his sex life has improved too. He says OM, “removes that craving to go to my laptop every night and watch [porn] videos. Instead I feel the desire to have sex with my partner.”

For Ross, the practice allowed him to slow down and feel more connected in sexual situations. Until he began stroking he wasn’t aware this was even something he could work on.

“I came in with the facade that I was a great lover,” he says. “I didn’t realise how uncomfortable I was around lots of sexual situations or how uncomfortable I was just being present. Now I’m able to interact with people on a deeper level rather than just deflecting.”

Kapil Gupta

Kapil Gupta, who set up Turn On Britain, the company responsible for OM in the UK, explains how the practice expands what men can feel whilst connecting with others. He says it enables them to learn the “feeling-based” language of the feminine.

“A lot of people have this thing - and I had it in my past relationships - where your partner is saying something, for example, ‘Can you wash the dishes?’ - and you feel it’s not actually about dishes, there’s something else happening behind it - maybe some anger, some frustration, but people who are very logical don’t really understand what is happening. One of the big transformations that happens is men start to understand that feeling-based language.”

Though men come in to improve their relationships with women, their family dynamics and connections with colleagues also improve once they appreciate this, says Kapil. “We are connection based beings, ultimately whether you’re at work or with your family, all it is is human interaction."

What do women think about men who practice orgasmic meditation?

Will’s improving relationship with his mum meant he felt able to open up to her about OM. He said, “I think she thought it was a bit weird, but by the time I told her I’d been living back with her for ten weeks and she could see that I was in the best place personally that I’d ever been in.”

It didn’t go down so well when Eduardo told his friends. He said, “They were disgusted and said: ‘Isn’t that just foreplay - why do you need gloves for foreplay?’ It’s difficult to answer, but really it’s just totally different from having sex. Foreplay is about goals and even though at first I thought the gloves were clinical, it’s really based on hygiene and keeps it separate from foreplay.”

In spite of their reaction, Eduardo continued to practice OM. He said, “For me, it’s a way to find more energy and power in myself. That might sound abstract, but it’s waking up in the morning and just feeling like, ‘fuck, I feel alive’.”

Read more from GQ talks #MeToo

• GQ talks #MeToo

• #MeToo: The changing face of dating apps

• #MeToo: I'd sense a date felt we "owed" each other a one-night-stand