Becoming superior successful sexy successful screenwriters takes more than wildly wonderfully written wordplay and absolutely amazing agoraphobic alliteration. Even if you become one of the greatest writers in the world (as we are), it means nothing without a literary agent. It’s been said that a good writer is 4% writing talent, and 96% agency selecting talent (though in our case, it’s 100% in both talents, multiplied by there being two of us, which gives us our incredible 400% success rate). If you have a good idea for an original film, preferably one based on a toy or movie that hasn’t been remade in the last two years, your next step should be attaching a literary agent to your project!

Literary agents do just about everything for you. Once you’ve acquired a literary agent, all you need to do is toss a few words into your iPad’s screen-writing app and email it over to him (there are no female literary agents, and if any female “literary agents” tell you otherwise, they’re lying). He’ll probably propose a few simple “fixes” you’ll love and then he’ll start selling your screenplay to studios for millions of dollars!

At this point you might stop reading this in your head and say out loud to your computer screen “But Mark and Steve Tornowski, how could I, some average shit head that is not innately sexy and loaded with talent like you two, even dream of getting the attention of literary agency? I’ve heard that in Hollywood, it’s impossible to get an agent without some kind of actual experience!” To that we say, “Stop talking to yourself, stupid! A lack of experience didn’t stop us from finding an agent, and it won’t stop you either!” We made it by following these simple steps:

Write Sample Scripts For “Steven Spielberg”: No literary agent wants to take on a client who hasn’t already written a script for Steven Spielberg, and he’s made that very difficult by keeping his phone number unlisted and living in caves deep beneath the Hollywood sign. What a jerk, right? That means there’s only one real way to tell someone you have written Mr. Spielberg a screenplay… by lying, you silly goose! Hollywood loves and respects liars, so lying often is critical to your success in Los Angeles. Just look at acting! Acting is just a fancy French word for lying, and actors practically run this town! Tell a few prospective literary agents that you wrote a couple of screenplays for Steven Spielberg at his house but you weren’t allowed to take them off the property because they were all so good that Steven didn’t want anyone else to read them before he could make them into more Indiana Jones movies. If he doubts you, show the agent a picture of his family and say, “Do I look like a liar? Because this picture of your family with your address on the back doesn’t seem to think so.” He’s definitely going to believe you after that!

Move Somewhere Neat: When trying to get an agent, the place where you live makes all the difference. Small-minded morons with screen-writing blogs might tell you to move to Los Angeles, but you shouldn’t listen to them. Los Angeles is already full of screenwriters, so agents are much keener to accept clients that don’t live here. It’s very important to make sure you’re not anywhere near L.A. (trust us, we live here, we got one of the last literary agents out here and he tells us this constantly) when you’re pitching script ideas. Try living in the middle of the country, or better yet, try moving to remote island nations so that prospective literary agents find your culture exotic and your return address hilarious.

Demand A Bunch Of Money Right Off The Bat: Never, ever, under any circumstances, should you write for free. If someone says, “Hey, we’ll give you a great job if you provide a sample of your writing on spec” REFUSE TO DO IT! That person is a thief that just wants something to read without having to pay for it! Anyone who writes for free is a fool! Demand at least a hundred (American) dollars per word, regardless of what you’re writing. Hollywood doesn’t respect writers who aren’t making obscene amounts of cash, so make sure you’re one of them!

Don’t Let Anybody Not Read Your Script: The hardest part of selling a script, is selling the person who wrote the script. In order to get your script read, you need to put yourself out there! You need to knock on all the doors of celebrities and directors you can find on the Internet and insist they read your script in front of you. Some people might slam the door in your face or call security, but you can’t let that kind of stuff deter you. People that make it in Hollywood only do so because they never ever give up, and if you have to knock on someone’s door a second time, or follow someone home, or kill a couple of security people, so what? It’s worth it if your dreams come true, isn’t it?

Follow-up Often: The more you stay in touch with someone, the easier it is for you to demand that they sell your movie ideas. Email is much faster than phone calls and regular mail, so it’s usually the best way to reach people, and when we say “people”, what we mean is “everyone you’ve ever talked to about your script”. You never know who is going to marry a literary agent or secretly work as a literary agent at night even if you know they aren’t literary agents in their day jobs, so email most of the people you know and tell them about your script ideas frequently.

It’s also important to reach out to other people that you don’t know when you’re ready to sell a script, because people in Hollywood are always excited to hear and buy new movie ideas. Did you find the twitter account of some director you know the name of’s assistant? Email her every day until that director buys your script! Is there an actor that’s starring in a vampire movie that’s sort of like the vampire movie you wrote and you want them to buy your movie and make that movie instead? Email them a few times per hour! Do you think a gas station near your house looks like the gas station in a movie you saw? Email the owners and ask if it was the same gas station and even if it’s not, do they know an agent that wants to hire people that write scripts and use that gas station!

So what are you waiting for, a literary agent to knock on your door and offer you two million dollars up front and a majority share in domestic merchandising? Because that definitely won’t happen if you don’t follow our advice, and there is a pretty good chance that it will happen if you follow our advice!

Always yours in screenwriting and cashing checks with lots of zeroes,

The Tornowski Twins