Bugg, A., Graham, L. et al.

While searching a nearby ravine for a kickball, 10-year-old Denny Dardbury encountered the corpse of a man in his mid-fifties, and, after just three prods with a branch, was able to pronounce the partially decomposed body “hella dead.”

“The bloating looked like my aunt Lisa’s dumb baby stomach,” recounted Denny in his report to local police. He added that the body was in a state of decomposition that was “super gross” and “totally spew worthy.”

His parents are proud of their young savante, adding that he has shown a remarkable ability to differentiate the dead from the living from a young age.

“At 5, he would scour our window sills for fallen insects,” said Denny’s mother, Barb. “I don’t know how he learned to take the pulse of a house-fly, maybe it’s just something innate in him.”

Local police, impressed with Denny’s innovative methods, have invited him to shadow their homicide task force as part of their ride-along program. At the time of writing, Denny has confirmed the deaths of three more locals.

Denny plans to enroll in criminology night classes once he can overcome his bed-wetting habit.

