Pending the inevitable resignation of head coach Jimbo Fisher after this lackluster season, Texas A&M University officials have been forced to pursue alternative coaching options. The search was initially expected to take months; however, multiple viable candidates have been found in a single trip to Kyle Field’s third deck.

According to Texas A&M Athletics, several students called in during the last home game to recommend sophomore Derrick Hoodlan for the coaching position. Hoodlan had very strong opinions on a number of play calls and coaching decisions made during the game. “Jimbo really screwed the pooch on this one,” Hoodlan said. “We’re gonna need to make some smarter decisions if we want to improve.”

When asked about his credentials for the position, Hoodlan admitted that he has never coached or even played football. “Alright, so I’ve never been out on the field,” Hoodlan said. “But I’ve been listening to my father yell at the television and call Wade Phillips an idiot since I was a little kid, so you could say it’s in my blood.”

Hoodlan proceeded to demonstrate that he knew everything necessary to be a head coach, such as the difference between nickel and dime formations, the season statistics for the entire offensive squad, and the fact that the blitz is an infallible and foolproof tactic for every defensive drive.

Hoodlan joins a long list of applicants from the student section of Kyle Field awaiting the impending resignation of the current head coach. Jimbo Fisher declined to comment when asked about the situation, choosing instead to lie face-up in the center of Kyle field with a wistful look in his eyes that seemed to wonder “if only…”

—Hullabaloo Balls