LOS ANGELES—Taking a moment to reflect on his potential career trajectory, actor Chris Pine reportedly became depressed Monday by the sudden realization that he could probably win a governorship somewhere. “Oh God—I could just waltz into any state and win, and it’d be so easy,” said the star of several major films, including Wonder Woman, A Wrinkle In Time, and the rebooted Star Trek series, processing the sad truth that he would need only to establish residency in his chosen state before nearly effortlessly ascending to one of its top positions of political influence. “I could say I’m a Democrat or a Republican—it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t even have to have a platform and a ton of people would still vote for me, no questions asked. I guess by becoming an actor, I’ve been laying the groundwork for this my entire life. Goddamn it.” At press time, Pine had become even more depressed by the further realization that he could be “a huge asshole” to everyone around him and probably still win.

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