In a new video from the satirical news network, “The Onion,” a (fake) FDA official has the solution to saving America’s health.

Just eat some f*cking vegetables every once in awhile, okay? That’s all there is to it.

“You just buy a bag of f*cking carrots and you eat them the way you normally would eat a package of hot dogs. Okay? If you usually stand in front of an open fridge shoving them in your fat face cold. Well, then just do that with a carrot.”

Sounds easy enough. That’ll also make you look prettier and if you can shove eight servings down your face, you’ll be reducing your chances of heart disease by 22%, according to research at the University of Oxford.

The U.S. CDC’s recommendations are currently at five servings a day, but the Oxford researchers found the reduction of mortality comes with the consumption of eight servings, or the equivalent of 640 g, which is 22.5 ounces or 1.4 pounds of delicious f*cking veggies.

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