A joint Ofsted-MI5 report released today revealed the extent to which Britain is being run by former pupils of a shady network of schools, open only to individuals with links to extreme wealth. Many of the schools apparently hide their activities behind high stone walls and ‘educate’ under the pretence of being charities.

Unsurprisingly, the report suggests that many pupils leave these schools culturally isolated and yet they appear to easily infiltrate the upper influential echelons of society. A survey of 2014 leavers showed that many were unable to identify any of the members of One Direction, or give the price of bus ticket into town. On the positive side, they could name the entire England polo team, and knew the best deals on yacht hire in Europe and the USA.

Further comments in the report suggest that the problem may have been around for decades, centuries even without anyone noticing, and many are asking why these revelations are only now coming to light. Neither the Prime Minister, the Mayor of London nor anyone from the Royal Family could be bothered to comment.

Sir Lupus