Lesbians: We can’t stop killing ourselves in movies. Straight women trip and act clumsy to quickly endear themselves to viewers; lesbians jump off a roof. Whoopsies! If you’ve seen a movie about lesbian or bisexual women, you are familiar with a couple basic yet oft repeated storylines:

Doomed love: Two very different girls connect vis a vis vagina, the world or themselves fear such taboo sexy love, back to dudes but will remember that snatch with nostalgia well into the closing credits. Coming of age or mid life crises. Everyone hates a dyke: Look at the lesbian! KILL HER! Chase her! Isn’t everyone mean to the lesbian? Poor lesbian. People are terrible. Where shall we eat after the movie? Unhappy straight girls: Men are so mean! Protagonists are so damaged! Oh, look it’s okay—they’ve found each other. Pity they couldn’t make it work with a man but better than nothing.

Enriching as tragedy, compromise, and melodrama are to the LGBT community, such plot lines are rather dreary and unenjoyable. We deserve to see ourselves in a movie and actually enjoy it—less crying, more laughing, less one dimensional martyrs, more rad heroines. Since Hollywood is busy mining superhero sequels, I’ve whipped up a few pitches.

Lesbian Movie Pitches

Model Through Her

Androgynous supermodel Penny Shizuoka evolves from lonely tomboy to International fashion it girl and finds herself suddenly surrounded by lovestruck models. Penny traipses through two decades of stylish adventure while sifting through dozens of Mrs. Wrongs to discover Mrs. Right—and herself.

Inspired by Jenny Shimizu’s life and romances with Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Ione Skye, Rebecca Loos and Michelle Harper

Casting Suggestions: Rila Fukushima as Jenny, Amber Heard as Madonna and Cara Delevingne as Angeline Jolie

Golden

Our Chart meets the roaring 20s in this decadent epic drama that seamlessly weaves cinema history with the tumultuous and exciting lives of queer actresses. Prim Swedish starlet Ana (inspired by Greta Garbo) is only 19 when she meets Astrid (inspired by Marlene Dietrich), a scandal-courting wild child whose sexuality is an open secret. Astrid seduces then dumps Ana on set of a low-budget movie, and Ana vows to become a megastar, get revenge, and never let herself fall in love again.

On the path to stardom, Ana gets a lesson in fashion and finger banging from Lila (inspired by Lilyan Tashman), courts comely co-stars Ella and Sasha (inspired by Eva von Berne and Salka Viertel), gets whisked away by a mysterious Baronness with criminal ties (inspired by Swedish Countess Wachtmeister), and U-hauls with a sensual writer (inspired by Mercedes de Acosta). Taking liberal justices with time and reality, this magnificent drama gives classic lesbian romances the Hollywood ending we deserve.

Casting Suggestions: Noomi Rapace as Greta Garbo, Lea Seydoux as Marlene Dietrich and Kristen Stewart as Mercedes de Acosta

Cultivation

A zany romantic comedy about a couple, an apartment, and the creative scene of early 20th century Paris. Artsy American expats Alice B. Toklas and Gertrude Stein meet, fall in love, and move in together in the timeless style of lesbians throughout history. The bold young lovers write, fuck, and invite a cornucopia of brilliant minds into their apartment to eventually cultivate one of the finest creative salons this world has ever seen.

When an envious gaggle of wealthy conservatives attempt to sabotage Gertrude and Alice’s blossoming community, the women fight back with cunning and connections. Gertrude talks Picasso into splashing vaguely vaginal graffiti all over the coalition’s headquarters. He then declares it his greatest masterpiece. Matisse releases exotic insects into the villain’s plumbing. Gertrude writes scathing op-eds. Alice tricks one member into a compromising homoerotic position.

After lots of scheming, laughter, and sex, the ladies overcome and live happily ever after at 27 rue de Fleurus.

Casting Suggestions: Ellen Page as Gertrude Stein, Evan Rachel Wood as Alice Toklas

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