“Thank you for having me here to speak, although, technically, I’m having you here to speak in my country. Already this week I’ve learned there are many, many more countries than I had ever imagined, and they’re, like, everywhere.

All eyes were on the highly anticipated Trump debut at the United Nations Tuesday, and he brought his trademark bombastic approach to the world’s foremost international peacekeeping organization, in his first historic address to the UN General Assembly, an organization he’s maligned as underperforming, weak, incompetent, and a club for people to have a good time. Which sounds like another institution with which he’s familiar, except for the good-time part. He’s already criticized the organization for “not reaching its full potential” and thinks it should change direction, as in: enough with the peacekeeping already! Here are some “America First” remarks he probably wished he delivered.


“And in my first address to this peacekeeping body, I’d like to begin by listing those countries we’d like to blow to smithereens and obliterate from the face of the planet, because, frankly, the old model — this whole peace thing — is failing.

“You want me to list the countries, I’m not going to name them, but let’s just say their leader’s name rhymes with Socket Pan.

“So, peace. You seem very stuck on that. What if you pivoted from peace all the time and went with peace a lot of the time, but with a little chaos now and then?

“Look at this crowd. Give yourselves a hand. If clapping is your custom. I’ve learned a lot about your customs, but I’m not supposed to bring it up, so [mock zips his mouth, thunderous applause.] Thank you! Thank you! They said you didn’t like me, but this is very nice and warm.

“Ten years ago I offered to rebuild this place for a fraction of the cost. But your guy, what was his name? Latte? Espresso? What? Right, Kofi, he wanted to spend three times the money and it still looks like headquarters in a James Bond movie.


“But, and here’s some good news for once, I recently learned from my generals that there are certain nuclear weapons that kill all the people, but leave the buildings! Isn’t that amazing? So maybe we could see if we could switch to that kind, maybe that’s something we could look into, as a way of changing business as usual, because it would be a shame to let all that money and hard work and sheetrock go to waste when we could leave it for the next generation.

“So, I don’t know if you realize this, but all of you here at the UN, your drivers, really, get something called ‘diplomatic immunity.’ So, if you park your limo on an alternate side street, even if you get towed, it costs you nothing! That’s an amazing thing. We’re going to see about taxing what you would have paid in parking tickets. That’s just one of the America First fund-raising ideas I have to not be beholden to ways of the past that are just not working.

“Anyway, welcome! Enjoy your time here, catch a show, we have a lot of museums although, frankly, I find them boring. And someone should do something about that mangled gun sculpture outside. It looks terrible, with the barrel all twisted like that? That could never fire a bullet. Who did that? Vandals? I’ll call my friends at the NRA. They know a guy who’ll do it for practically nothing. Plus we have a lot of government surplus scrap metal leftover from those monuments that we don’t know what to do with.


“I hope I can count on your vote in November. Thank you! Thank you! Great crowd.”

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.