You don’t care about the Mill. You don’t want us to make ourselves happy by starting this bulletin of tittle-tattle with a playful, circumlocutory and almost entirely narcissistic introduction. No, you just want transfer gossip. We’ll never be anything other than a rumour buddy to you, will we.

Fine, have it your way. The coy bromance between Gianluigi Buffon and Michael Oliver could go up a notch next season if – and this one might just merit an exclamation mark – Buffon accepts an offer to move to Liverpool! He has also, according to tomorrow’s super soaraway chip paper, been approached by Manchester City.

Liverpool are also interested in Roma keeper Alisson, though we knew that after the Champions League semi-final: in some cultures, putting seven past a keeper is a sign of affection. Roma’s price of £87m is something we are contractually obliged to describe as a “stumbling block”. Liverpool may have more joy signing Lyon’s Nabil Fekir, though he is an attacker rather than a goalkeeper, so it’s not all fun and games under Jürgen Klopp’s baseball cap.

West Ham ready to approach Newcastle for Rafael Benítez Read more

Stoke’s body is barely cold and Spurs are looting it: they want tubby creative Xherdan Shaqiri for £12m. Manchester City are favourites to sign Napoli midfielder Jorginho. ‘Pep’ Guardiola also has an eye on Charlton’s 15-year-old Jeremy Sarmiento, who some people are calling the new Jonjo Gomez.

If City sign Jorginho, then Manchester United will have a clear run at Shakhtar Donetsk’s Fred. He is one of the 142 signings they are going to make this summer; others include Willian, Monaco full-back Djibril Sidibé and an official fungal cream partner. United also want Napoli defender Kalidou Koulibaly, but so do Real Madrid and Chelsea. More to the point, Napoli want £104m.

The more scurrilous gossipmongers are suggesting that Álvaro Morata is less than 110% happy at Chelsea and might do one at the first opportunity this summer. Borussia Dortmund and Juventus both want a piece of him. Chelsea, for their part, want to take Anthony Martial off José Mourinho’s hands. Leicester have agreed a fee for Porto right-back Ricardo Pereira, it says here, while Real Betis want to ease Newcastle’s Ayoze Pérez into their side.

Mikel Arteta is still the warm favourite to replace Arsène Wenger as Arsenal manager, though Thierry Henry will meet to discuss the vacancy next week. Patrick Vieira, meanwhile, has misunderstood Roy Keane’s old comment about him “playing like you’re a nice guy”: he’s going to take over as Nice manager.

Last, and incontrovertibly least because we’ve heard it all before and if we hear it one more time we’ll turn feral, Juventus will sign Emre Can from Liverpool and Matteo Darmian from Manchester United.