Guys are jerks, amiright?

I am right.

Seitan and tofu are wonderful vehicles for jerk seasoning, amiright?

Well let’s find out. Join me as I compare these jerks to see how they size up.

Guys who are jerks leave a bad taste in your mouth (don’t be gross, I’m talking metaphorically…I think). Jerk Tofu seasoning leaves a sweet and spicy symphony (that’s right, symphony) of flavors in its wake.

Jerks (they’re all guys by definition, right?) make you consider moving to a remote island where there are no jerks. Jerk Seitan makes you consider moving to Jamaica, learning what windsurfing is, learning to windsurf, giving reggae a try even though it’s simply not going to happen, and living a life of leisure peppered with the occasional “hey mon” if, you know, you ever feel like saying hey to a mon again.

Jerks may try and get you into bed with false affection and insincere charm. Jerk Seitan and Jerk Tofu lay on a bed of cauliflower rice, kidney beans, and pineapple just waiting for you to take advantage of them.

Jerk Seitan > Jerk Tofu > Jerks. Proven. Fact. 100% duh.

That being said, I think the jerk seitan is way better than the tofu but I also think I should have marinated the tofu longer and cut it into bite size pieces before pan frying it soooo that’s what I’m going to tell you folks to do. Also, the pineapple in the rice is key. That golden beacon of sweet and tart is awesome with the spicy jerk seasoning.

PS: I made a complete dish! This is so neat! High fives all around but especially for my hands!

JERK SEITAN or TOFU

serves 6

Adapted from a few places but mostly from The New York Times and Allrecipes.com

The jerkiest ingredients:

2 tablespoons low sodium soy sauce

2 tablespoons some sort of oil that you like

2 tablespoons of water

1 tablespoons distilled white vinegar

squeezes from two limes

3 teaspoons brown sugar

2 cloves of garlic, minced

50g sweet onion

2 green onions, sliced a little past where it turns green

1 teaspoon ground allspice

1 teaspoon black pepper

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon cayenne

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

2 teaspoons dried thyme leaves

1 habanero pepper, carefully deseeded and chopped

2 boxes of seitan strips or 2 boxes of lite firm tofu

I’m glad I didn’t go the other route with “jerk” jokes and so are you when you give these instructions a whack…

Combine all the ingredients except for the seitan or tofu in a food processor and process that sucker. Yummy. If you’re using seitan, drain it from its goo and rip it up a bit. Toss it with the marinade and put it in some tupperware and into your fridge for an hour or two. If you’re in it for the long haul, grab your tofu, drain it, and pat it dry for forever. Slice each block into some squares, no more than 1/2″ in depth (my pictures show slabs/steaks which is cool too but I think the cubes will work better). Toss with the marinade and place in a tupperware, inside your fridge overnight. I’m impressed with your commitment.

Take whatever protein you decided on and throw it in a wok or skillet over medium high heat. Saute the seitan with all of the excess marinade until it is browned on its edges and all the sauce has been absorbed. Cook the tofu by first placing the pieces on the skillet and letting them cook for a few minutes, untouched. Flip and let them cook again. Leave them alone for a bit. Now add the left over marinade and stir fry the tofu until it’s browned to your liking and the sauce has been absorbed. Get onto to making that “rice.”

CARIBBEAN CAULIFLOWER RICE AND BEANS

makes 5 one cup servings (one of your six pals from before is going to be sad)

Adapted mostly from Generation Y Foodie

Ingredients:

one head of cauliflower, broken into florets (I weighed mine in at 450g)

75g sweet onion, diced

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 teaspoon grated ginger

3/4 cup lite coconut milk

3/4 cup vegetable stock

1 lime, squeezed

1 habanero pepper, intact

1 15oz can of kidney beans, drained and rinsed

salt and pepper to taste

1/2 cup pineapple, diced

green onions for garnishing

Go on with it:

Process your cauliflower florets until they are the consistency of rice. Set aside.

Spray a wok or a big pot or a skillet or something with some cooking spray and saute the onions, garlic, and ginger until softened. Add the coconut milk, stock, lime spritz, pepper, and cauliflower. Cover and bring to a boil. Take down to a strong simmer and continue to cook until most of the liquid has been absorbed by the cauliflower, 15-20 min. It still might be a little sloppy and that’s cool too. Add the kidney beans and cook a bit. Salt and pepper to taste. Remove from the heat. Remove the pepper. Add the pineapple and stir. Top with green onions before serving.