Women, you can’t live with them, and you can’t get within 100 yards of a couple of them. It’s an unfair world out there when it comes to the fairer sex. A hunky guy can fill her car with beef hearts and scratch a Byron poem into the hood of her car and it’s cute. While at the same time you get deemed a creep for offering her your seat on a full bus. What can you do though? It’s doubtful that you have the balls to approach random girls in public until you find the one who thinks Spiderman comics and neck hair are awesome. Then later, when you finally are sitting across from the “one” at a coffee shop or bar, she probably won’t be able to make eye contact because you are balls deep in your latest Star Wars novel. So, what can you do? You can hole up in your parents basement for the next 20 years and comment on pictures of cats online, or you can man the fuck up, throw down some cash, and hire AstroMike’s Hero Service.

This shit only works if you could have already banged her.

Now I know this is a lot to take in. The first question you probably have is “What is AstroMike’s Hero Service and why the hell do I care?” well, stop being such a whiny impatient bitch and I’ll tell you. (Jesus, you just heard about the service like 8 seconds ago and you are already complaining about it. No wonder chicks won’t have anything to do with you.) AstroMike’s Hero Service is a company I’ve created that will take you, step by step, from a guy she was uncomfortable making eye contact with to a guy with at least a 50 /50 shot of fingering her in the next couple days. The best part is that it requires the absolute least amount of commitment on your part. All you do is call us up, select the level of service you require, and set up a time and place to become a hero. We do all the hard work for you. It really is as simple as that!! This is one of those programs that I am sure seems too good to be true, but I can guarantee that it works. I’m so confident in our ability to get you with the girl of your dreams that I am going to spell out the whole program right here and now. You ready? I know I sure as fuck am.

Step one is as simple as finding the girl that you are in love with (or at least one that you might want to see naked). It usually helps to know a little bit about her routine but I don’t want you guys out there looking like a bunch of stalkers. The best option would be a girl that takes the same bus route as you, a girl at the library, a girl in your office, or even one you see pretty often at the coffee shop. Get an idea for when she is and isn’t around. Once you have that information shoot your favorite Agent an email or phone call and let’s talk. We’ll take down this information from you, discuss a pay rate and go to work. What that work is? Well we’ve got a couple of options for you.

You need this… because she doesn’t care about your Night Elf Ranger.

The entry level plan is something anyone can afford. Let’s take an example of the cute girl on the bus. Every time you guys look at one another she rolls those baby blue eyes and immediately gets back to her copy of The Girl Who Cried (or whatever chicks are reading these days) but not anymore. Once you make eye contact you give me the nod. I head over and sit down uncomfortably close to her. I take notice of her book and tell her that books are what chicks do when they aren’t paying attention to me… and that my friend, is just the start. I get heavy with the flirting and am quickly into uncomfortable territory. Then after a few minutes of that I up the game. I start touching her hair and get a little grabby. This is your cue. It’s time for you to man the fuck up and get in my face. Really let me have it too, I’m a pro, I can take it. I’ll start to yell back and then BAM!!!! You hit me right in the mouth and I go down like a sac of potatoes. Don’t you worry either, no matter how much of a pussy you are I’ll sell the fall (and believe me, I can sell a fall. I attended a two week wrestling seminar). Then, with me on the ground crying about how strong you are, it’s simply a matter of you making your move. Tell her you’re sorry that had to happen in front of her and oh man would you look at that? The bus is at the stop right next to that new coffee shop. You offer to buy her some tea to calm her nerves, and bingo. A hero and his lady on their first date.

This dude totally hit me in the ear before this picture was taken.

Now plan two is a little more involved. It takes time and unfortunately that might cost a little more. It starts with you giving us the run down on this little lady of yours. You’ll need to tell us what she is into and where she likes to hang out. Oh, and it would be great if you could snap some pictures while you are at it. Then the Agents go to work. Again, this might take some time but I want you to calm down and just go with the flow and not freak out. Why? Well, because we’ll start dating this girl and introduce you as our good friend with the heart of gold. Now you have an in with her. But I’m guessing that you are ready to start asking more fucking annoying questions about the plan, so I’m going to lay it out. Then plan is this… one of us dates her… gets in real good with her too… and then (I hope you are ready for it) breaks the shit out of her heart. Then the best friend with the heart of gold (You) moves in to pick up the pieces. Oh, I know it’s good, no need to tell me. Like I said, this plan WILL work but you just have to give it the time that it’s going to take. There will be plays and dinners, romance and dancing. All in all the relationship should last at least a year, that way the breakup really crushes her. The pricing for the plan may seem steep, but when you consider it’s going to take a year of my time, you’ll find that it’s actually rather affordable. Oh, don’t forget, you’ll be on the hook for any of the expenses on those “dates” but we’ll just send an itemized list to you each month for the costs incurred. But wait!! There’s more!! This month we are running a special. Half off the billable cost of the condoms that I use to fuck the girl of your dreams!!