Email scott.murray@guardian.co.uk if you wish to moan about the staggeringly easy draw Manchester United are going to get

The fourth pot of today's Champions League draw contains some genuinely interesting names, unlike the other three which are full of the same old, same old. There are three clubs making their bow in the competition this season - Anorthosis of Cyprus, CFR Cluj of Romania, and the magnificently monickered Borisov Automobile and Tractor Electrical of Borisov in Belarus. Meanwhile Atletico Madrid had not made the Champions League since 1997, but did so this time after last night's shellacking of fancied Germans Schalke. Their dream draw might be Liverpool, for Fernando Torres-related reasons among other perhaps more cynical ones. Meanwhile for other romantic old-boy match-up action, BATE Borisov really should be paired up with Barcelona, for whom their academy find Alexander Hleb now plays. It is on.

Going Not Very Far Out On A Limb dept. Manchester United are going to get a very easy draw indeed. You know it, I know it, we all know it.

THE POTS ARE LIKE THIS...

POT ONE: Chelsea, Liverpool, Barcelona, Arsenal, Manchester United, Lyon, Jose Mourinho's Internazionale (to give them their full official name), Real Madrid.

POT TWO: Bayern Munich, PSV Eindhoven, Villareal, Roma, Porto, Werder Bremen, Sporting Lisbon, Juventus.

POT THREE: Marseille, Zenit St Petersburg, Steaua Bucharest, Panathinaikos, Bordeaux, Celtic, Basel, Fenerbahce.

POT FOUR: Shakhtar Donetsk, Fiorentina, Atletico Madrid, Dynamo Kiev, CFR Cluj, AaB Aalborg, Anorthosis, Borisov Automobile and Tractor Electrical Equipment.

...AND THE RULES ARE LIKE THIS

I really don't think it's worth bothering with the details. Suffice to say it's all skewed in favour of the big boys, down to the rule which ensures Manchester United and Liverpool can't play on the same night for television purposes. The wonder of sport, right here.

Doing Down The English, It's What The English Do Best dept. "Did you know that Robert Pires in his last-and-slightly-knackered season at Arsenal managed to score more league goals than Hleb did in his entire Arsenal career?" asks Paul McElroy, who is presumably a fan of the aforementioned Gunners, for he continues thus: "Not that I'm bitter. Expect Arsenal to get one Dutch side they should cruise past...but don't." Meanwhile a final nod to the dismal rubbish Liverpool foisted on the nation last night, because this is beginning to kick folk when they're down and this report is all about spreading the love. "Is everyone praying to get Liverpool?" asks Dave Douglas. "After yesterday's debacle, the likes of Anorthosis, CFR Cluj and Borisov must be hoping and praying they get the golden ticket." Seeing Liverpool have actually lost a qualifier in a previous season yet still gone on to win the entire competition, you could possibly be jumping the gun on that one.

The draw begins, by the way, at 5pm. "I was at the Basel v Guimaraes game last night and the home fans felt it was a special event," says Mark Bennett. Don't worry, there is a healthy dose of cynicism coming up. "It was great to see a team's fans really enjoy their moment, and the chance to see Barcelona/Bayern or whoever. I remember ( I think) when Europe was special to me, as an Arsenal fan, when these games were unique and unusual. Now they are humdrum and routine (except the odd San Siro trip). Just hope I can get tickets for Basel v Big Guns."

Ray Wilkins, on Sky Sports News, keeps referring to Internazionale and their "M Factor". "They've got a very good manager. They have what I like to call the M Factor." Stop it. Please stop talking about Internazionale's M Factor.

And it's over to the draw, live from the Grimaldi Something-or-other in Monaco! Cue pompous caterwauling and tedious montages of players shouting in an aggressive fashion - where is the love, Frank? Then Melanie Winiger and Pedro Pinto, whoever these toasters are, bound onto the stage and start shouting at everyone. By all accounts, according to Pedro, last year's Champions League was "one of the most memorable in the history of the competition". Was it, though? Was it really? In 53 years of European competition? Manchester United fans may have enjoyed it, granted, but who's going to remember that final in a few years ti... ah hold on, there's John Terry slipping over. Yeah, it was a minor classic now I come to think about it.

Pedro isn't letting Melanie get a word in edgeways! What a rude pig! He's handing out some tinpot awards at the moment. Club Goalkeeper Of The Year... is Petr Cech. "During the penalty shootout what was going through your mind?" asks Pedro. Cech replies: "STOP WASTING MY TIME, STOP WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME. GET ON WITH THE DRAW OR I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, PEDRO, I AM GOING TO KILL YOUUUUUUUUU." He doesn't actually say that, babbling on about how difficult it is to play in a pressure blah platitude and so on, but you can tell something is going on behind Cech's slowly narrowing eyes.

Andrew Darbyshire picks me up for being slack: "Come on Scott. You're six paragraphs in and still no mention of Uefa bigwigs tucking into copious amounts of buffet food." Oh. Sorry. Some of them are quite fat, I can tell you that for nothing. One of them has stopped sucking on his foie-gras-and-butter shake to start banging on about the rules. I simply refuse to listen to him; I know you'll understand.

After 15 minutes of buggering around, they've finally started to make the draw. The first club out of the pot is Chelsea, who will be in... hold on, some goon is taking about ten years to open the ball and unfold the piece of paper within... Group A. Inter are next out, and they're in Group B. This is all a bit sequential. I don't trust this draw. I don't trust anyone. Where has my love gone?

17.17pm: Lyon are in Group Eff. My trust in this draw, and in love, is restored.

17.20pm: Arsenal are in Group G. Oh this is futile. Right, I'm drawing up a lovely grid which I'm going to spend the next few minutes filling in. I didn't think this through. Real Madrid are in Group H.

THE GROUPS (first pot)

A: CHELSEA

B: Internazionale

C: Barcelona

D: LIVERPOOL

E (for Easiest): MANCHESTER UNITED

F: Lyon

G: ARSENAL

H: Real Madrid

They're now holding the Club Defender of the Year award. They're wasting my time, I tells ya. John Terry wins it! Hahahahahahahahaha. Oddly, when he comes up to collect the award, Ricardo Carvalho isn't right by his side holding his hand and guiding him through it.

Another montage, more ear-bleeding music. I'm getting old. Derrick Cameron has a question or two re BATE Borisov. "Why aren't they just called Tractor Borisov, in the manner of Torpedo Moscow, Rotor Volgograd and Helicopter Gunship Tblisi (okay, I made that last one up)? And when will they ever get to play the Tractor Boys of Ipswich?"

THE GROUPS (second pot)

A: CHELSEA, Roma

B: Internazionale, Werder Bremen

C: Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon

D: LIVERPOOL, PSV Eindhoven

E (for Easiest): MANCHESTER UNITED, Villarreal

F: Lyon, Bayern Munich

G: ARSENAL, Porto

H: Real Madrid, Juventus

Gag of the day, right here: "Tractor Borisov? It sounds like a Soviet-approved children's story," quips Paul McElroy. Meanwhile this is who Pedro Pinto is; thanks to Peter Walker, because I couldn't be bothered to find out. "He's a bafflingly popular CNN sports anchor. He is - I believe - Portuguese and demonstrates this by saying the names of Spanish and Portuguese players in an exaggerated Iberian accent when presenting on CNN. He has never been known to have a hair out of place."

The Uefa-sponsored satire continues apace: First John Terry, now Frank Lampard wins Club Midfielder of the Ye... no, I can't bring myself to finish that.

THE GROUPS (third pot)

A: CHELSEA, Roma, Bordeaux

B: Internazionale, Werder Bremen, Panathinaikos

C: Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon, Basel

D: LIVERPOOL, PSV Eindhoven, Marseille

E (for Easiest): MANCHESTER UNITED, Villarreal, CELTIC

F: Lyon, Bayern Munich, Steaua Bucharest

G: ARSENAL, Porto, Fenerbahce

H: Real Madrid, Juventus, Zenit St Petersburg

It's time for European Club Forward Of The This Means Nothing. And of course the winner is Cristiano Ronaldo. At least Uefa aren't persisting with the ludicrous line that Ronaldo scored 42 goals last season from midfield, tucked away on the wing. He floated about all over the shop up front, as far as I could make out.

THE GROUPS (final pot; this is the way it is)

A: CHELSEA, Roma, Bordeaux, Cluj.

B: Internazionale, Werder Bremen, Panathinaikos, Anorthosis.

C: Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon, Basel, Shakhtar Donetsk.

D: LIVERPOOL, PSV Eindhoven, Marseille, Atletico Madrid.

E (for Easiest): MANCHESTER UNITED, Villarreal, CELTIC, Aalborg.

F: Lyon, Bayern Munich, Steaua Bucharest, Fiorentina.

G: ARSENAL, Porto, Fenerbahce, Dynamo Kiev.

H: Real Madrid, Juventus, Zenit St Petersburg, Borisov Automobile and Tractor Electrical Equipment.

Well, that's a hell of a draw for Liverpool. You would fancy Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United to make it through their groups, though. And I'd say Celtic have a fair chance of progress, given they've beaten Manchester United at Parkhead recently, plus given Barcelona a good old rattle. The Torres matches will be great, though, and it's fantastic to see Borisov Automobile and Tractor Electrical Equipment playing against the grandest European Cup club of all in Real Madrid.