All these things happened, in their glory and their pain, that there might be a blog post for those who come after… — Guy Gavriel Kay (@guygavrielkay) March 30, 2018

I don’t want to attract the enmity of one part of the world even for the potential devotion of the other, but I have been a Red Sox fan as long as I can remember. In fact, I really can split my life up into four basic periods: before 1986, from 1986-2003; 2003-2007; and post 2007.

But, beyond a particularly pathological obsession with a single team, I really love do baseball. One of my greatest regrets for my life is that I was not blessed with a good eye and fast hands: I did not record a single hit in my entire little league career.

Spring is the season of rebirth when baseball returns! We somehow forget 162 or so bullpen implosions; we suppress the wild expenditures and strange pace of game; we endure the cost of live television and the countless commercials as we wait for those moments of frustration, joy, and, sometimes, relief.

Yesterday, the author Guy Gavriel Kay (who has harassed me before for loving the Red Sox) was discussing the highs and lows of fantasy baseball on Twitter. I cannot play fantasy baseball because I can’t handle the stress. Somehow, our brief discussion turned into a contemplation of Homeric heroes as baseball players.

#Achilles would be Mike Trout but faster; #Odysseus masquerades as a knuckleball pitcher who secretly has s Mariano-esque cut fastball. #HomericBaseball — sententiae antiquae (@sentantiq) March 30, 2018

Diomedes is a leadoff hitter and first baseman.

Agamemnon is team captain and catcher. — Paul Weimer 📷 (@PrinceJvstin) March 30, 2018

This conversation combines two things I love (Homer and baseball). It also comes close to an activity I wanted to run a few years back in a leadership course. My idea was that we would have students play basketball together in teams but in the personae of Homeric heroes. (The activity name was “Hero-Ball”.) Some ‘refs’ were going to randomly impose rules (gods); there would be fans, etc. The reasoning behind this lark was that we too often fail to think about how who we think we are shapes the way we engage with others.

(The activity was vetoed by my department chair at the time as exposing the university to too much liability. I have similarly considered a D&D style role playing game).

So, I spent all day trying to do other work and thinking about this absurd topic. Here’s what I have. First, if we try to select the best heroes from each side and give them positions somewhat akin to their ‘skills’, the Achaeans are clearly ‘stacked’. I made Odysseus a starting pitcher, but I am open to changing him out. The Achaeans have a DH, because they come from a wealthier, younger league.

[N.B. For baseball haters or agnostics: one could play this game with any sport!]

Team Achaeans

SP Agamemnon

SP Odysseus

Closer Teucer

1B Diomedes

2B Thoas

SS Oilean Ajax

3B Ajax

RF Sthenelos

LF Patroclus

CF Achilles

DH Idomeneus

Catcher: Menelaos

Bullpen: Thersites

Disabled List: Protesilaus, Philoctetes

Bench: The Myrmidons; Epeios (PH), Antilochus (INF/OF)

Coach: Nestor; Pitching Coach: Calchas

Some details and justifications: I generally made those famed for missiles (archery or spears) into pitchers. Odysseus, as I tweeted, reminds me of a wily veteran who leans on junk and the knuckleball but can bend your knees and break your back when he wants to. Agamemnon, on the other hand, is a player coach who throws only garbage but thinks he’s got both power and finesse. The archer Teucer is, obviously, their best option for closer. Thersites is in the bullpen as a crazy specialist.

The hitters are as follows: Achilles, Idomeneus, Ajax, and Diomedes all have obvious power and are distributed according to strength and speed. Patroclus might not be a natural left-fielder, but he’s not standing any where but near Achilles. Sthenelos is a poor man’s Patroclus and Oilean Ajax is sneaky, nasty, and fast, so an obvious shortstop. Menelaos? Well, he is in the middle of everything, thinks he’s in charge, and is the only person the other Atreid will pitch to.

Just keep Odysseus off the roster. He rarely crosses home.#AncientHistoryBaseballPun — Jarl Wartooth ⚔️ (@locktowndog) March 30, 2018

The Trojans have some heavy hitters and one high-priced free agent (Sarpedon), but their team is overwhelmingly stocked with sons and relatives of Priam.

Team Trojans

SP Paris

Closer Teucer

1B Hektor

2B Deiphobus

SS Dolon

3B Sarpedon

RF Glaukos

LF Polydamas

CF Aeneas

Catcher: Helenos

Manager: Priam

Bullpen: Asius, Lykaon, Pandaros

Bench: Sons and Sons-in-Law of Priam

Pitching Coach: Antenor

Disabled List: Troilus, Rhesus, Rhesus’ men

Batboys: Astyanax, Ascanius, Polites

The Trojans have some power with Hektor at 1B (after a shift from Center field to prolong his career), Sarpedon at 3B, and Aeneas in Center. Glaukos and Polydamas are good players, but I don’t see them making the HOF. Dolon, like his Achaean counterpart, is fast and smart. When he goes down with a ‘collision’ injury after facing Diomedes in the basepaths, the Trojans are going to have to put some random son of Priam in there. This won’t work out so well: Deiphobus is already second, but that was Helen’s decision. At Catcher we find Helenos–he sees everything on the field and calls it like it is (often spending the time on the bench talking over signs with his sister Kassandra).

The real Trojan weakness is pitching. Paris “The Prince of Troy” Alexandros throws the prettiest curve ball this side of the Skamander. His fastball is there too–but he can’t seem to keep his focus on the field, he really kills team morale, and sometimes he disappears in between innings. Their bullpen is strong, but just wait until Achilles gets a chance to face Lykaon with the bases loaded. I am going to call that shot for him.

She'd be like, "hold this" (hands over baby), "I guess I do have to do everything myself." — MU Classics (@MiamiOHClassics) March 30, 2018

Game takes forever because pitcher can't throw until he and the batter have rattled off their ancestry and deeds to each other, a la Glaucus & Diomedes — Musis Amicus (@Magnantus) March 30, 2018

& Philoctetes, picked up off the DL on deadline day. Played a handy role striking out Paris in the 9th. — Peter Sandham (@HKSandham) March 30, 2018

Still thinking that one through. I think that the batting order might just, you know, "send the son of Atreus and shining Achilles apart in strife" or something like that… — sententiae antiquae (@sentantiq) March 30, 2018

Lineups: (This is an issue of contention: Achilles wants to bat 4th and wants Ajax in the game. Agamemnon has different ideas: he wants to put Achilles in his proper place for his speed.) Note: The Achaeans use a DH because they have a younger league and more men.

Achilles (CF)

Diomedes (1B)

Menelaos (3B)

Agamemnon (Catcher)

Idomeneus (DH)

Oilean Ajax (SS)

Thoas (2B)

Sthenelos (RF)

Patroclus (LF)

Bench: Ajax

Cassandra is the sabrmetrics expert in the clubhouse everyone ignores. — Rob “Hey, Mando!” Nease (@RobNease) March 30, 2018

Team Trojan

The Trojans just don’t have the late game flexibility of their opponents. They top the lineup with some shifty speed, followed by an unknown quantity, and then a trio of power who would intimidate anyone smarter than Agamemnon. The problem with their power-trio is that it is really hard to keep them on the field at the same time. Sarpedon and Hektor get injured; Aeneas’ mother keeps pulling him out of games.

Dolon (SS)

Deiphobos (2B)

Aeneas (CF)

Hektor (1B)

Sarpedon (3B)

Glaukos (RF)

Polydamas (LF)

Helenos (Catcher)

Paris (P)

Now who would like to give me a box score for this game?

Some tweets

Protesilaus was much touted pitching prospect and #1 draft pick but a torn rotator cuff in his debut outing effectively ended his career before it had begun. — Peter Sandham (@HKSandham) March 30, 2018

He also has an endorsement deal with a company that makes anti-odor foot spray. #HomericBaseball. — Joy A.R. Eliot (@Eliot_ISD) March 30, 2018

Achilles is the victim of a very low-and-inside pitch, with tragic consequences. Diomedes has a truly bizarre fling with a fan during the game. Idomeneus hits a sacrifice fly, but regrets it…like a lot. Odysseus is a smart guy, but takes a very long time to reach home plate. — The Tom (@infocusnow) March 30, 2018

This tracks well: Agamemnon manages a war the way Dusty Baker manages a playoff series #HomericBaseball https://t.co/WvHtgVjhFk — Joe Goodkin (@joegoodkin) March 30, 2018

This tag is full of so much nerd glory but this tweet may be the winner https://t.co/fI0lzRj9ZU — definitely not a hugo award winning fanfic author (@rahaeli) March 30, 2018

The Achaean lineup in Linear B, Courtesy of .@e_pe_me_ri on Twitter

Thanks to everyone playing along on twitter with #HomericBaseball. I am sorry I did not include all of your contributions. @ Me and I will add you!

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