Way back on 5/8/04 I received the following letter from my first family law lawyer. It has proven to be an eerie prophesy of things to come. More than a decade later this letter still haunts me and has unfortunately proven them spot on.

“…it is apparent from the content of the letter from solicitors for your former wife that she had no intention of promoting the relationship between you and (your daughter)…”

“…one can only conclude that your former wife has no interest in assisting in the progress of your relationship with your daughter.”

“…a Court cannot alter the mindset of parties. It is our experience that no matter how many Orders may be made for the provision of information etc from one party to another, ultimately one is dependent upon the goodwill of the other party. From the correspondence provided to date we have determined that there is no goodwill from your former wife and she will do little or nothing to assist in maintaining or in fact encouraging the relationship between you and (your daughter)”

My daughter finished her final year of high school last year and I had naturally invested a great deal of hope that the combination of finishing high school and turning 18 would allow her to take a breath, reassess and reconnect with her Dad.

I had largely given her space and time during her final year because:

I was still being “warned off”, abused and obstructed by the other party and their legal threats; and I wanted my daughter to be able to concentrate on achieving her best result rather than have me portrayed as an uncaring obstacle to that.

So, as hard as it was after only managing to achieve about 8 hours contact over the previous 4 years, I stayed patient and waited. The only information (literally) I was able to obtain about my only child was a School Report 3 times a year. The other party even manipulated (or the school itself decided) to ban my daughter’s teachers discussing those reports with me. Seriously!

In one way my patience was rewarded as my daughter threw herself into her studies and achieved a final score in the 90s. She has always been a switched on learner and I knew she would excel. But when I eventually managed to find out (third hand) her high achieving score I was as proud as any Dad anywhere. In more than one way over the years I made contributions to her education that enabled this.

So I have tried to reach out to her in different ways now that she finished school and unfortunately my worst fears have been realised. I traveled many hundreds of kms to give her Xmas presents, love and reassurance but she did not meet, speak, send a message or acknowledge me in any way.

I am confident in saying that this type of ongoing unresolved grief is in essence like grieving for the death of a child, who is choosing to be dead in your life, but no matter how much you scream for help, no one seems to care or otherwise can’t help. Besides being unimaginably painful, it rings all the alarm bells that there is something very wrong and very unnatural going on behind the scenes with those who do have influence in her life.

One only has to read the research of Woodall, Childress or Baker to know that the history and symptoms of my daughter’s situation cannot be the result of anything except parental alienation. The multitude of damning examples fill most of my post topics on this blog. It is way beyond argument yet the mother still argues.

I had a taste of this today. I finally managed to catch my daughter on her phone last week but my soaring joy at hearing her beautiful voice for the first time in about 2 years was quickly cut short by the fact that she gave me less than 30 seconds of her time. When I asked her if she would call me back she said “maybe”.

Having not found out anything, not getting a return call and not managing to reach her again, I was understandably left distraught yet again, seemingly abandoned in the desolate hell plains that only another long term alienated parent will recognise.

The architects of this landscape of unnecessary suffering and emotional quicksand that my daughter and I have been dropped into are the mother and stepfather. The instruments of their wrath and warped sense of entitlement that built their fortress have been our broken family court and disinterested spineless school administrations. Her compliant foot soldiers have been the many individuals that could have helped, but chose to look away because of nothing more than ignorance.

What to do when you reach a point where you just want to know how your child is?, where they are living?, and what they are doing? ie. Uni, work or traveling? Is it so much for a parent to want to know? I love her. I miss her terribly. I have been worried about her for years. (I will never blame her). So I wrote these basic questions, rang the mother of my daughter and politely attempted to ask. Suffice to say I got zero information about our daughter but I did get a tirade of accusations, abuse and a threat that she would get a “Restraining Order” against me. No wonder I avoid calling her like the plague and have only called a handful of times in the last 3 years.

There I was foolishly holding the slightest glimmer of hope that now our daughter was 18 the mother might somehow become a reasonable parent again. What was I thinking? Looks like the summation of the situation by my lawyers way back in 2004 was not only suggested as being the way the mother will be until Court Orders expire, but basically for life. Such a cruel pointless attitude that not only hurts me and the entire paternal family, but does immeasurable damage to our daughter and possibly future generations.

I realise I am in this for the long term. Interestingly, my daughter has never once told me not to contact her. She has never told me to disappear. She has never uttered words of hatred to me. She is living her life and is clearly too damaged or too enmeshed to sort it out still. I will live my otherwise lucky life with the many blessings I have but I will keep trying to reach her because I’m her Dad and the only message I carry is love, acceptance and reassurance.

One day……