by Paula Skelley

I think all of us feel angry when a loved one dies. Anger is one of Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grief. The anger we feel can run the gamut: anger at ourselves and others, anger at things said and left unsaid, anger at what we or others could’ve, would’ve, should’ve done, but didn’t. This is a natural reaction.

As we grieve and go through all of the emotions it encompasses, we sometimes get stuck. Anger seems to be a difficult one to get over. Sometimes it is good to take inventory of our souls and see where the anger came from, why we are holding onto it, and ask ourselves if it is time to let go of it. Although anger is a helpful stage in grieving, no one wants to be stuck with the stress anger can carry.

When I think of losing my daughter and the anger I feel over the loss, I try to examine the situation to avoid cementing myself in the emotion. When someone says something inappropriate to me about my loss, I try to maintain perspective: Would I have said something as inane if the tables were turned? Did this person speak the wrong words, but have the right intentions? If they could’ve done what they should’ve done would they have done it?

If someone has failed my expectations, I wonder if I made clear those expectations, or assumed they would know: Please don’t tell me I should feel terrible; ask me how I feel. Please don’t avoid the subject of my daughter; I love to talk about her and remember what an amazing child she was.

When doctors were unable to cure Lydia, I could not blame them, or put my anger there, because there is not a cure for every type of cancer. They did what they could to the best of their abilities with the knowledge they had.

I don’t think we have to let go of all anger. If we direct our anger correctly, I think we can reap benefits instead of detriments. Fight cancer, not the doctors who could not heal your child. Fight for laws against texting while driving, not your cousin for missing the funeral. Funneling that anger in a direction that will help you honor the loved one you’ve lost will make you stronger. Holding too tightly to the anger against family, friends or even doctors who have said or done the wrong thing unwittingly, may in the end weaken you.

Anger should be a stepping stone on the path through grief to healing. Anger should not be the final destination on the path.



