Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today announced he would be pardoning 350 criminals that his predecessor Barack Obama had imprisoned extra-judiciously for the crime of saying “Merry Christmas” during Decembers between the years 2009 and 2016.

Mr. Trump explained his pardoning choices on Twitter today:

“Thanks to me, celebrating Christmas is no longer a federal crime! As part of my agenda of Making America Great Again, I’ve allowed Christians to celebrate their faith freely in public again, without having to hide in tiny hidden backrooms like Anne Frank!”

“The first thing I did after taking office was reconvert America back to Christianity after years of Obama’s Sharia martial law. Thanks to me, Christians no longer have to go out in public wearing turbans and burqas. People are saying I’m the most Jesusy thing since Jesus, maybe even better!”

“Because of my administration, Americans can eat pork once again, and drink alcohol! American elementary schoolers don’t have to recite passages from the Koran, and when they say the Pledge of Allegiance, they don’t have to bow their bodies toward Mecca and say ‘under Allah’ anymore!”

“No longer is it punishable by death if Americans put up Christmas trees, or decorate their houses with beautiful lights in December, or wear cross necklaces! That’s right folks, I alone have won the War on Christmas, but of course the Fake News won’t admit it or ever give me credit!”

“I have defeated the Liberal Hollywood elites who weren’t going to stop until every Christian was in prison, and I have saved Christianity from certain extinction. Thank you, Jesus, but everyone should really be thanking President Trump!”

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