On December 20, 2019 in Frisco, Texas, inspiration struck. Also striking: a kale smoothie all over the body of victorious Kent State head coach Sean Lewis.

The game was sponsored by Tropical Smoothie Cafe, you see.

This happened on the first day of bowl season. So of course it was followed by that year’s Potato ...

... and Cheez-It ...

... and that Frosted Flakes fusillade at the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl.

The viewing public saw all of this and agreed that it was good.

As with all good ideas: if a little bit is good, then more would be better, and ALL OF IT would be best.

Let’s begin. Because not all of these are obviously connected to a specific item, I assigned most of them one of their most popular products. We must also judge whether the item exists in our three physical dimensions and can fit within a regulation liquid jug. Also, I’ve mixed together both bowl names (like “Rose”) and bowl sponsors (like “Vizio”), so several will overlap.

(If the table below isn’t showing for you on Google AMP or Apple News or whatever, click here to see the actual article version.)

Just about every major FBS bowl sponsor and/or name ever, scrutinized by whether that sponsor/name product could be dunked from a jug onto a coach’s head Sponsor Dunk item Will it fit in a regular Gatorade/Powerade jug? Bowl Sponsor Dunk item Will it fit in a regular Gatorade/Powerade jug? Bowl Academy Sports + Outdoors Footballs! Yes Houston Advocare V100 Candy vitamins Yes Independence/Houston Alamo The Alamo No Alamo All-American All-Americans No, not even Darren Sproles Birmingham (1982-2000) Allstate Insurance No, no bank stuff Sugar American General Insurance No, no bank stuff Music City Arizona Arizona No Arizona Astro-Bluebonnet Astro-bluebonnets Astro-yes Astro-Houston (1968-1987) AT&T Phones Yes Rose AutoZone Motor oil Yes Liberty Aviation Mastery of flight, dreams of touching heavens, etc. No, not a physical object Dayton (1961) AXA Insurance No, no bank stuff Liberty Bacardi They weren't referring to rum at the time, but let's say rum Yes Havana, Cuba (periodically between 1907 and 1946) Bad Boy Mowers Compact Outlaw No, not compact enough St. Pete/Tampa Bahamas The Bahamas No Bahamas BattleFrog It's a series of obstacle courses, but literal fighting frogs would fit Yes, channel their warlike nature into loyal guardfrogs Fiesta BBVA Compass Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Birmingham Beef 'O' Brady's Bar food that used to have insane names Yes St. Pete/Tampa Belk Polo shirts Yes Charlotte Bell Helicopter UH-1Y "Super Huey" Venom No Armed Forces Birmingham Birmingham No Birmingham Bitcoin Pretend internet money No, is fake St. Pete/Tampa Blockbuster World's last Blockbuster Video (in Oregon) No Blockbuster/etc. Bluebonnet Bluebonnets Yes Houston (1959-1967) Bluegrass Bluegrass Yes Louisville (1958) Boca Raton Boca Raton No Boca Raton Breast Cancer Research Foundation Hey, just donate Hey, just donate Cure Bridgepoint Education For-profit university No, student-athletes already deal with these Holiday Bridgestone Tires Not really, without modifications Music City Brut Cologne Yes, make your coach smell like an elevator Sun Buffalo Wild Wings Chicken wings Yes Citrus/Copper Builders Square Hammers Yes Alamo California California No Fresno (1981-1991) California Raisin Raisins Yes California Camellia Camellias Yes Camellia Camping World Campers No Independence/Blockbuster Capital One Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Orange/Citrus Carquest Motor oil Yes Blockbuster/etc. Celebration Celebrations No, not a physical object Celebration Champs Sports Footballs! Yes Blockbuster/etc. Charity Charity No, not a physical object Los Angeles (1937) Cheez-It Cheez-Its Yes, evidently Copper/etc. Cheribundi Tart Cherry Cherry juice Yes Boca Raton Cherry Cherries Yes Detroit (1984-85) Chick-fil-A Chicken sandwiches Yes Peach Citi Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Rose Citrus Citrus fruits Yes Citrus Coca-Cola Coca-Cola Yes Mirage (Tokyo) CompUSA Screaming AOL modems Yes Citrus ConAgra Foods Slim Jims AWW YEEEEAH! Hawaii Continental Tire Tires No, some tires could fit, not but contintental ones Charlotte Cotton Cotton Yes Cotton Crucial dot com Memory cards A shower of information upon the mind! Potato Culligan Water Actually, yes, water would fit in a jug Holiday Cure Cures I don't know Cure Delta The Mississippi Delta No Memphis (1947-48) Diamond/Emerald/Walnut Walnuts Yes Santa Clara Discover Credit cards Yes Orange Dixie Dixie No Birmingham (1947-48), Dallas (1921, 1924, 1933) Dollar General Everything No, "everything" is big Mobile Domino's Pizza Pizza Yes Copper/etc. Dream House A fake company that somehow nearly sponsored a bowl anyway Yes, I still believe in Dream House New Mexico Duck Commander Yeti coolers A jug full of Yeti coolers full of smaller Yeti coolers, all the way down Independence DXL Clothes for plus-size gentlemen Yes, in special plus-size jug Frisco EA Sports NCAA Football 14 discs No, if student-athletes drink it, they'll taste pure capitalism Vegas EagleBank Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Military Elk Grove Village Elk Grove Village, Illinois No Bahamas EV1 dot net Internet access No, not a physical object Houston FedEx Shipping No, but we could ship the jug itself Orange Fiesta A fiesta Sure, why not Fiesta First Responder First responders Hmm, perhaps a small service animal, carefully placed within First Responder Fort Worth Fort Worth No Fort Worth (1920) Foster Farms Chickens Yes Santa Clara Franklin American Mortgage Bank stuff No, though I suppose you can almost literally dump debt on a person Music City Freedom Freedom No, not a physical object Anaheim (1984-1994) Frisco Frisco No Frisco galleryfurnitire dot com Tables and so forth No Houston Garden State The Garden State No New Jersey (1978-1981) Gator Baby alligators Yes, with gentle care Gator Gaylord Hotels A hotel room No Music City GEICO Insurance No, no bank stuff Vegas Gildan Unmarked undercover underwear Yes, detective drawers will fit. Who's askin' New Mexico GMAC Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Mobile GoDaddy dot com Website URLs No, not a physical object Mobile Goodyear Tires Nah Cotton Gotham Batman comic books Yes New York City (1961-62) Great Lakes The Great Lakes No Cleveland (1947) Harbor A harbor No San Diego (1946-1948) Hawaii Hawaii No Hawaii Holiday Holidays No, not a physical object Holiday homepoint dot com Tables and so forth No Music City Houston Houston No Houston (2000-05) Hybrid Seed Corn Breeders of Illinois Corn Yes Corn (1947-55, Illinois) Hyundai Hyundai Elantra No Sun IBM OS/2 An operating system I guess CD-ROMs could come tumbling out Fiesta Independence Independence No, not a physical object Independence Insight dot com Invisible computer stuff No Copper/etc. International Most of earth No Toronto (2006-09) Jared Jewelry Yes Birmingham Jeep Jeeps No Aloha/Oahu/Seattle John Hancock Insurance No, no bank stuff Sun Konica Minolta Cameras Yes Gator Kraft American cheese slices Yes Santa Clara Las Vegas Las Vegas No Las Vegas LendingTree Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Mobile Liberty Liberty No, not a physical object Liberty Little Caesars Pizza Yes Detroit Lockheed Martin The money-pit F-35 boondoggle scam Yes, a jug full of magic paint that stops working if the plane flies Armed Forces Los Angeles Christmas Los Angeles (late December) No Los Angeles (1924) MAACO Car paint Yes Vegas magicJack USB dongles Yes St. Pete/Tampa MainStay A hotel room No Independence Marmot Jackets You could cram a few in, sure Boca Raton MasterCard Credit cards Yes Alamo Mazda Mazda CX-5 No Gator/Blockbuster Meineke Car Care Motor oil Yes Charlotte/Houston Mercy Mercy No, no mercy Los Angeles (1961, 1971) Miami Beach Miami Beach No Miami (2014-16) Michigan Cherry Committee Cherries Yes Detroit MicronPC dot com Government computers No, they are bankrupt government computers Blockbuster/etc. Military The United States military No Military Mitsubishi Mitsubishi Outlander No Vegas/Mirage (Tokyo) Mobil Motor oil Yes Cotton Motel 6 A motel room No Copper/etc. Music City Nashville, Tennesse No Music City National University Online university No Holiday New Era Hats Yes Pinstripe New Mexico New Mexico No New Mexico New Orleans New Orleans No New Orleans Nokia Phones Yes Sugar Northrop Grumman B-2 Spirit stealth bomber No Military Northwestern Mutual Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Rose Norwest Bank Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Sun NOVA Home Loans Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Arizona Oil Oil Yes Houston (1943-1946) Orange Oranges Yes Orange Ourhouse dot com Hammers Yes Citrus Outback Either bloomin' onions or coconut shrimp, victor's choice Yes Outback/Gator/Hall of Fame Overton's Lake rafts Deflated, yes Citrus Pacific Life Insurance No, no bank stuff Holiday Papajohns dot com Digital pizza No Birmingham Peach Peaches Yes Peach PetroSun Fuel Yes Independence Phoenix-area Kiwanis clubs Salad Yes Phoenix (1948-1955) Pineapple Pineapples Yes Honolulu (1939-1951) Pioneer PureVision TVs No Vegas PlainsCapital Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Armed Forces/Dallas Playstation Playstations Yes Fiesta Playstation 2 Playstation 2s Yes Rose Plymouth PLYMOUTH PROWLERS Wow, no Holiday Poi A Hawaiian dish made from taro root Yes Honolulu (1935-1938) Poinsettia Poinesttias Yes San Diego (2005-16) Popeyes Fried chicken Yes Bahamas Potato French fries Yes, evidently Potato Poulan Weed Eater Weed eaters Disassembled, I guess Independence Presidential Cup A trophy Too lame to consider. Next Maryland (1950) Progressive Insurance No, no bank stuff Gator Quick Lane Motor oil Yes Detroit R+L Carriers Shipping No, but we could ship the jug itself New Orleans Raycom Media Ancient ACC basketball and SEC football broadcasts We'll find a way Camellia Redbox DVDs Yes Santa Clara Roady's Gasoline Yes Potato Rose Roses Yes Rose Royal Purple Industrial lube Oh that'll fit ....... anywhere Vegas Russell Athletic Sweatshirts Yes Blockbuster/etc. Salad Salad Yes Phoenix (1947-1951) San Diego County Credit Union Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Holiday/Poinsettia Sanford Rubbermaid All hail the jugmakers Independence Sea World Sea World No Holiday Seattle Seattle No Seattle (2001-2002) Sega Sports NFL 2K on Dreamcast Yes Vegas Servpro Cleanup servies No, not a physical object Dallas Sheraton A hotel room No Hawaii Shrine A shrine I suppose so Little Rock (1948-49) Silicon Valley What? No? San Jose (2000-04) SoFi Student loans No, no bank stuff Hawaii Southwestern Bell Phone stuff No Cotton St. Jude Good deeds No, this is college football Liberty Sugar Sugar Yes Sugar Sun The sun Only one way to find out Sun Sunkist Sunkist Yes Fiesta Sylvania German lightbulbs Why did this happen Alamo TaxSlayer Tax stuff No, no bank stuff Gator Texas Texas Officer, in this jug, is Texas being detained? Is Texas being detained? Houston The Aloha Shriners Shriner hats? Sure Shrine (1941, Honolulu) Thrifty Car Rental Cars that you didn't buy, yet are driving anyway No, not until the NCAA looks away Holiday TicketCity Tickets to events, such as this very bowl game Yes Copper/Dallas TicketSmarter Tickets to events, such as this very bowl game Yes Birmingham Tony the Tiger Frosted flakes (unfair, should be tigers, but grandfathered in) Yes, evidently Sun Tostitos Chips Yes Fiesta Toyota Toyota Camry No Gator Tropical Smoothie A smoothie Yes, evidently Frisco uDrove Some sort of trucker app No Potato USF&G Insurance No, no bank stuff Sugar Valero Gasoline Yes Alamo Vitalis Hair tonic Yes, please dump this all over your coach's barren scalp Sun Vizio TVs No Fiesta/Rose VRBO A hotel house No Citrus Walk-On's Cajundillas Yes Independence Weiser Lock Doorknobs (what the fuck) Yes, but what the fuck Copper/etc. Wells Fargo Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Sun Wyndham A hotel room No New Orleans Zaxby's Astronomically salt-shellacked chicken tenderz No. Salt bloat. Tenderz expand until jug explodez Dallas

Hmm, the sport with minimally compensated labor sure does ingest a lot of money from banks. Weird!

Now let’s whittle this big list down to just the top 10 greatest coach-dousing materials to ever hit bowl season.

Orderly process, as follows. I won’t re-paste the spreadsheet anew after each round — just at the end.

Onward! I’m cutting the list down to only items that could definitely be dunked on a football coach from within a jug. I’ve also discarded borderline items like baby animals, things we’d have to disassemble, and so forth.

That cuts the list from 203 down to only 86.

Let’s also get rid of duplicates. If there’s ever been another bowl with the exact same prop, then it’s not all that fun of a prop, now is it?

I’m being aggressive here.

For example, all chicken-based items besides Popeyes have got to go. I eliminated all decorative plants besides the Rose. Orange Bowl, you’re out, because the Citrus Bowl already includes all of you and then some.

Most remaining technology brands will be represented by magicJack dongles. I feel this goes without saying. All clothes are represented by Russell Athletic, the funniest clothing brand you could dump on someone in celebration.

When in doubt, as with the huge pool of liquid fuel, I went with the most college football-sounding brand (Quick Lane, obviously).

We’re down to 44.

To be clear, all of you other bowls can and should still douse millionaire coaches for my entertainment. You’re just not currently in the running for Best Bowl Object To Slam Into A Coach’s Head.

Now I’m making ruthless cuts.

Konica Minolta, I would love to watch cameras bounce off a football coach’s skull and then watch his players pick them up and take pictures of him rubbing his head like a cartoon character, but you’ve missed the cut.

Hammers and doorknobs would be a little too much cartoon-violence comedy.

Brut cologne, you’re out, because the smell comedy would not translate through my screen.

Here are the top 10 best coach-dousing bowl sponsor items of all time.

That’s not true. It’s a top 14. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of any of these.

The Coach-Splattering Bowl Sponsor Hall of Fame Sponsor Dunk item Bowl Sponsor Dunk item Bowl Bacardi Rum, we've decided Havana, Cuba (periodically between 1907 and 1946) CompUSA Screaming AOL modems, all shrieking at once like a hive of banshee dive bombers Citrus Domino's Pizza Pizza Copper/etc. Gotham Batman comic books New York City (1961-62) Hybrid Seed Corn Breeders of Illinois A shower of corn kernels, getting stuck in his clothes and orifices forever Corn (1947-55, Illinois) MAACO Car paint, in your team's colors (so he can't leave for the Coastal Carolina job) Vegas Outback Bloomin' onions, 2,000-calorie warhead payloads Outback/Gator/Hall of Fame Phoenix-area Kiwanis clubs Salad lmao Phoenix (1948-1955) Pineapple Pineapples, the fruit that bonks and bites Honolulu (1939-1951) Rose Roses, because Coach will appear ready for a romantic postgame with his partner RIGHT NOW! [Vince McMahon collapse GIF] Rose Royal Purple Industrial lube (same as above) Vegas Sanford Jugs falling out of jugs, preferably bottomless, creating time loop Independence Sylvania German lightbulbs Alamo Vitalis Hair tonic, but only if it works immediately and turns Coach into a Sasquatch before our eyes Sun

Alright, that’s the post.

For more brilliant bowl games coverage, review our ranking of the dumbest bowl names ever, the weirdest moment in each bowl’s history, a list of 23 excuses for losing a bowl, and your reminder that all of this is the Rose Bowl’s fault.