Thor has returned! Again! And this time he’s staying a while! Everyone’s favourite lovable doofus returned to Earth for another adventure with the Science Squad, and although it wasn’t as fun a romp as the first, it was still a good time.



In terms of the wider universe, it introduced the third infinity ‘stone’, the Aether, and gave us a hint of infinity backstory. In terms of Thor’s own personal story, he, ummm… well, he was pretty bummed out most of the time. Like really bummed out. This sequel took a character who was our hilarious light in the darkness and turned him into… more… darkness? Just a whole lotta darkness. Thor got serious, and it was, well, fine, I guess.



Oh no wait! There was that funny moment when he got into the subway. Hahaha, yeah, that was a hoot.



You guys, I’m not saying a Thor movie shouldn’t or can’t have moments of gravity. In fact, my one beef with Thor: Ragnarok was that it didn’t have ANY. What I’m saying is that there needs to be balance. Thor had already been set up as the MCU’s class clown, so to suddenly make him uber-serious felt disingenuous to the character. I mean, he was barely even a dummy in this movie, which is honestly my favourite thing about him.



Anyway.



Once again Odin spilled the tea on the backstory, telling us that the Dark Elves want to shut off all the lights in the universe to save on energy or something. So when all the realms converged (convergence explanation # 1), he tried to swirl some goop on them, but Asgard was like, “ummm, no,” and then killed them all. OR SO THEY THOUGHT. Then he hid the Aether where no one will ever find it, unless they’re a wandersome human.



Loki was brought in front of Odin and given his punishment, which was to be locked up with no toys and no internet. The daddy issues were plentiful in this scene, and showed that even now, after everything, Loki still just wants to impress and belong. Oh, and Odin was like, “you’re alive right now because your mom said she wouldn’t have sex with me for a month if I killed you.” I’m paraphrasing.



Meanwhile, Thor, Lady Sif and the Warriors Three were having a brawl on another realm.



Apparently the other realms had descended into chaos without the oversight of Asgard, so now that the bifrost was back up and running (how? We don’t know. By stretching union labour laws?), Asgard had to pop in and show everyone that order had returned to the universe. They took some of the troublemakers and brought them back to Asgard to be imprisoned, which isn’t setting up a future plot point, why do you ask?



Get your fancy knives and settle in because I have some beef. Lady Sif is a fierce, loyal, badass warrior who has four male pals with whom she was NOT romantically linked in any way. Do you know how RARE that is in media AT ALL, let alone superhero movies??? A platonic male-female friendship? MADNESS! And then they went and ruined it. It would have been sort of fine if it was just Odin trying to pimp her out because, ugh, the patriarchy, whatever. But then Sif herself was trying to go to Flirtown with Thor, and I found myself yelling at the screen, “NO GIRL YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS!”



I’m not saying Sif can’t have human (Asgardian) feelings, or that to have a woman linked romantically means she is in any way less badass. What I’m saying is that women can be portrayed without romance. And also – platonic friendships can be a rich, beautiful storyline. You guys, there wasn’t ONE woman in this movie who didn’t have a romantic link to a man. Not one. Name one! You can’t!



Just… just let SOME women be. Please. Just let them be.



Jane, having waited two years for the dude she had a fling with over a long weekend, gave up and seemed to be getting back out there. Darcy showed up with some science that Jane had to deal with, so she left her date and went to be a nerd.



Doctor Selvig has gone a bit bananas since having a God take up residence in his brain (fair enough, dude), but that doesn’t make him any less correct in his ramblings! He was arrested while ranting about the convergence, and he just happened to be naked.



Meanwhile, the readings from Jane’s gizmo lead them to a creepy abandoned building where some kids were playing with some gravitational… stuff. I don’t know. It was cool. The convergence was making the world go wonky, and it resulted in the loss of keys, pop cans, shoes, and Jane.



She was plooped into a wormhole of some sort, which coincidentally brought her to the hiding place of the Aether, which promptly bit her.



This alerted the main Elf bad-guy Malekith, who was like, “up and at ‘em boys, we gotta find that goop!”



Up in his space castle, Thor was getting some exposition about the convergence from Heimdall (explanation # 2). It happens once in a blah blah blah, the realms line up, yadda yadda yadda.



But then Heimdall’s peep show started to malfunction and he couldn’t see Jane (because she was taking an Aether bath in a wormhole), which got Thor to worryin’. Thus, a quick trip was in order.



Jane had been in the Aether Room of Requirement for 5 hours, so Darcy had called the cops. But when one of them went to grab Jane, the Aether was like, “don’t touch my lady!” and she sort of exploded a bit (who hasn’t been THERE, ammiright?) In her defense, it had been two years, she probably had a lot of pent up energy.



Thor bifrosted her home to Asgard where he got her in to see a team of super doctors with their super science machine.



Odin sassing Jane was HANDS DOWN my favourite part of this movie. That boy did NOT hold back, basically calling Jane a goat, and it was everything. Anyway, the guards got handsy and Jane accidentally exploded again, which got Odin’s attention. He explained about the Aether, and how his dad got rid of it and the Elves, and Thor was like, “he obviously didn’t though,” and Odin was like, “um… nuh huh!”



Did they maybe wreck Odin this movie too? *sigh* At least someone they DIDN’T wreck was Frigga, Queen of Asgard (and our hearts).



Frigga seems to be the only one who cares about / can get through to Loki. She’s compassionate while also being stern, and YOU GUYS DO I HAVE A CRUSH ON FRIGGA? Ugh, my heart hurts. Anyway, she wasn’t really there, which suggests that perhaps she’s the one who taught Loki how to be a total trickster (which isn’t just a future plot point, but a fun detail).



Meanwhile on some evil rock somewhere, Malekith was shoving a super alien steroid grenade into another Elf’s tummy, who seemed super into it.



Then he put on a helmet and got himself captured. I’m sure it’s fine.



Back on Asgard, Thor explained the convergence to Jane (# 3) and then they smooched, and then Jane met my new crush Frigga, and an awesome lady friendship was born.



Down in the prison-dungeon, Evil Elf Henchman took the gizmo out of his belly and went turbo, breaking out of his cell and setting loose the other prisoners.



He didn’t break Loki out, but Loki still gave him a hot tip on where to go. So, while everyone was distracted by the fight in the basement, Malekith and his pet monster went to look for Jane.



Frigga kicked ASS, you guys. She made an illusion of Jane, then totally OWNED Malekith, but she was outnumbered, and was killed *intense frown*. Since Malekith was clearly after Jane, Thor tried to convince Odin to take her away and save Asgardian lives, but Odin wasn’t into it.



‘Member before when I asked if this movie had ruined Odin? Yeahhhhhhh…. look, I know he’s grieving and angry, but the Odin we met in the first movie never would have put his personal feelings over the lives of his people.



So now they had to sneak off the planet, and this resulted in an Ocean’s Eleven type situation, where they all talked about the plan while we saw the plan actually executed. But first they needed a trickster to show them a way through the wormhole without using the bifrost, and Thor was like, “I know a guy.”

We saw him recruit Loki who was all, “what’s in it for me?” and Thor was like, “a chance to trick me and escape,” and Loki rolled his eyes like, “yeah obviously, what else?” and Thor was all, “um… a sandwich?” and Loki’s eyes widened a little further and he whispered, “what kind?” and Thor thought really hard and said, “tuna?” and Loki shook his head, but then Thor was like, “egg salad!” and Loki smiled slightly and said, “the game is on.”



And a game it was! Everyone had a fun part to play. Heimdall drew Odin away from the castle by turning himself in for treason, Sif went to get Jane, and the Warriors Three… also did stuff. Oh, and Loki did a Captain America impression, which was outstanding.



Thor’s plan was to steal a giant Elf-ship and have the guards chase it while they do a switcheroo and escape on a boat. This was a very smart idea, which in my opinion was character assassination of the highest order!



[Okay look, I know Thor isn’t actually unintelligent, but he IS impulsive and arrogant, and generally obtuse. Recall the first ⅚ of Thor. Recall how he charged at Cap with his hammer in Avengers, and was tricked and caged by Loki. Recall how he thinks Groot’s name is “Tree” in Infinity War. Thor is thick in every sense of the word. This movie tried to erase that. Maybe I would have been okay with it if he had stayed that way. We could have called it growth, and he would have been less entertaining. But he didn’t. He’s right back to being a bit of a social and logistical dummy by Age of Ultron. It makes the efforts of this movie to make him serious and dark feel inconsistent and unnecessary. *end rant*]



The Earth plot saw Selvig in a mental hospital all, “is there ANYONE left who doesn’t understand the convergence?” and Stan Lee’s Cameo going, “we get it, dude, move on.” Then Darcy and her intern busted him out, and they chased some birds for science.



Loki pretended to cut off Thor’s hand in order to impress the Elves, and it worked. They sucked the goop out of Jane, then Thor popped up and was like, ‘psych, suckas!” and attempted to destroy the Aether with his mighty hammer. It didn’t work, obviously, because Infinity Stones aren’t that easy to kill. So Malekith was like, “hahahahha, nice try though,” and sucked it up like a jello-shot at a small town wedding, then skedaddled.



This was sad! Loki saved Jane, then Thor saved Loki. Then Loki saved Thor and got impaled. Bye forever, Loki! *wink*



Thor and Jane took shelter in a plot contrivance cave, which happened to be the other end of the wormhole that stole their shoes and keys. So off to Earth they went!



Loki lives! And he went back to Asgard disguised as a guard. What a rascal.



Meanwhile, things were HAPPENING on Earth. Malekith arrived with his band of Elves to, I dunno, commit general violence while their boss unleashed the goop through the convergence (which got yet another mini explanation).



Oh, and Selvig and Jane came up with a way to control the anomalies and such. Basically she turned a dial and things/Elves disappeared.



Sometimes it worked and sometimes it sent Darcy and her intern into peril. What a fun gamble!



Thor used his hammer and Jane did science, and Malekith was very easily plooped back to his own world. Then a giant ship fell on him, so it’s unlikely he’ll return to terrorize any more… um, city blocks.



Then a giant ship was about to fall on Thor, and Jane tried to move him but couldn’t, so instead of running out of the way herself, she LAYED ON TOP OF HIM, and Darcy was like, “yo girl, does that seem like the best plan?” and Jane was like, “yep,” and Selvig was like, “so you’re just gonna die, then?” and Jane was like, “yeah, I guess!” But then the ship plooped away and they didn’t die, but they definitely would have. It was… *sigh*, it was very stupid. I don’t want to get into it. Like, what did she think was going to-



No. Nope. I’m not getting into it.



Anyway, it didn’t matter because as previously mentioned, the ship plooped back to the realm from whence it came, the goop was captured, the convergence ended and all was fine again.



Hahahaha, Loki! He seems to have usurped his father by pretending to be him. What a scamp.



Anyway, Thor asked “Odin” for permission to skip out on being King and live on Earth for a bit, which “Odin” obviously agreed to.



Sif and that one Warriors Three who looks like a dwarf from Lord of the Rings dropped off the Aether to the Collector who promised to keep it safe, then muttered, “one down, five to go,” all sinister-like, as if he was ever in the running.

The movie ended with Thor returning to Earth and him and Jane smooching.



And there we have it! Thor is now on Earth to hang out with the Avengers any ol’ time he wants and is probably living in Jane’s tiny apartment, having to bend down to use the shower.



What did you guys think? Was Malekith a formidable foe, or was this movie basically the Loki show? Did you guys miss Lovable Dummy Thor? Don’t worry, he returns!

SOME STUFF



Do you think they weakly wrote out the third Warriors Three because they couldn’t think of a job to give him during the heist? Or did that actor have something else to do? Or are they just kinda racist? They obviously don’t have an issue with recasting.

These were MUCH larger stakes than in Infinity War, but no one else was called in. Like… this wasn’t just a measly HALF of the world, this was plunging the entire universe into darkness (which I think was about more than the absence of light). Was it just because Malekith wasn’t as cool and intimidating as Thanos? Do you think Thor took one look at him and was like, “nawwww, I got this.”

Do you guys think EVERYONE who had Loki in their head has gone a little bonkers? Selvig is running around Stonehenge naked, maybe the Red Shirts are speaking to dolls like they’re people, and Hawkeye is organizing beetle weddings with seating charts for their beetle inlaws, making sure the beetle maid of honour is sat far away from her beetle ex.

Do the 9 realms represent the entire universe? Or is it just like, a cosmic neighbourhood?

Rene Russo for president.

Did you guys understand the concept of the convergence, or did you need it explained a 17th time?

Chris O’dowd was, as always, hella charming.

Bechdale Test: KILLED IT. Darcy and Jane, Jane and Frigga, Jane and Sif, this movie was Bechdaling all over the place.

Loki is compelling as hell, and I (along with the rest of the known universe) love any storyline he’s in. You just never know what he’ll come up with next! I always find myself rooting for him, but then I remember that he killed Coulson, and my blood flows with white-hot rage. I could never bring myself to give in to the obvious love I felt for him, BUT THEN THIS fan-theory was confirmed by Marvel, giving me permission to open my heart. The mind-stone manipulated him! Yes, everything Loki did in the first Thor movie was all on him, but then everything he did in the first Avengers was fueled by Thanos and the Mind Stone and I just want to hug him, is that so wrong?

OKAY SEE YOU LATER GOOD LUCK OUT THERE!

