First off, I hate the word ‘penis’. I much prefer the word ‘cock’ just as I prefer the word ‘pussy’. I think it’s more honest for pretty much every discussion outside the doctor’s office. So, that’s the vocab I’ll be using. Second, if what you’ve got going is working for you and your partner then absolutely ignore everything I’m going to say. I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do but for those guys that don’t really know what they’re doing hopefully this is useful.

I have the internet and I can read, the latter really being a prerequisite for using the former, and I read a lot of comments by women talking about sex. A lot of those comments and discussions have to do with it being bad sex and that’s unfortunate for everyone. If you’re the man in that situation then it can be a massive ego blow to not be knocking your lady’s socks off or at least slowly peeling them from her feet until the deed is done. I want to address some basics here mostly for the benefit of the 20 something young men who grew up watching and very possibly imitating porn. This won’t be a touchy feely list. It will be frank. I’ll also leave out a lot of very obvious things like “make sure there’s lubrication” because, well, it’s obvious. Let’s begin.

1. This is not a race, clearly.

I’ve spoken to exes and friends who all had a man who went fast like the rabbit. This doesn’t work. It achieves nothing but your own embarrassment. You will be talked about and it will be because you wouldn’t slow down. Notice I said wouldn’t. Slow the fuck down. Easy, right? Well, for some men who may have had bad experiences with erection quality or premature ejaculation it’s not so easy. Multiple bad experiences compound and they can hurt your sexual identity. I understand this although I’ve never been a fast humper. I went through a time in my early 20s when I wasn’t meeting anyone, wasn’t falling in love, wasn’t happy, and once I actually got with a woman I was terrified. Mortified! I shook, I kid you not. I remember shaking and the woman I was with asked me “are you shaking?”

“Nah, it’s just cold.”

Mortified, I tell you! That happened twice with two different women and I was no virgin. However, I was emotionally closed off and that isolation compounded once I was in a sexual situation so I feel you. What’s the cure? Don’t cater to your fears and don’t try to fast hump your way to a successful sexual encounter. It’s not a triumph. It’s running away. If you’re in a situation with a woman and you’ve got anxiety then tell her you have anxiety and tell it with a smile. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Some guys don’t ever have any anxiety and can work their way through a sorority house and never remember a face. That’s not you and that’s a good thing. Own it.

2. Foreplay is key.

Obvious, sure but why is it key? I think a lot of young men see foreplay as a means to an end in a “I do this and she’ll warm up and off we go” kind of way. That’s not what foreplay is for. Foreplay is for her but it’s also for you and I’m not talking about getting dome here. I’m saying it’s your opportunity to show desire. Foreplay can be slow but it can also be intentional and aggressive while not being fast. I love nothing more than kissing and licking the insides of my woman’s thighs, gently and not so gently nibbling her back, squeezing her. This is all foreplay. Foreplay isn’t just giving oral or fingering her (learn how to finger, it’s more up/down than in/out) or nipple suction. I mean, it is those things but branch out. Sex for women, in my experience can be much more whole bodied than it is for most men most of the time. Understand that and play into it. Some women need to have their ears kissed to have an orgasm, some need their hair grabbed, some need their nipples pulled but what they all need is to feel desire. My point is that if you don’t explore with zest then you won’t discover these things on your own, she’ll have to tell you and while that’s cool too I think discovery is far more enjoyable and it feels more natural.

Believe me, expressing desire in a way that is confident, intentional, and barely restrained is sexy and it will make you feel sexy. Pro tip, you feeling sexy makes her feel sexy because she’s the kind of woman that can attract a confident sexy man that is way into her body which she very likely criticizes via inner monologue far too often.