Just look at these uppity books.

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — Soldiers in Second Platoon, A/3-187 Infantry Company, are reacting with shock and disgust at the discovery that their newest platoon mate reads books, like some kind of fucking nerd.

“Get a load of College Boy over there,” said Staff Sgt. Rick Deckard. “Reading books, like he’s too good for us. JUGGS isn’t good enough for him? Fuck him.”

He then gave the new guy, Pfc. Richard Walker, the finger, as he disgustedly lit a Swisher Sweet.

“Yo Walker,” shouted Sgt. James Marshall, the company’s communications non-commissioned officer. “Why don’t you read this, you fuckin’ Poindexter?”

Marshall then meaningfully displayed his testicles through an artfully-slit hole in his OCP trousers.

Other soldiers, rather than impugn Walker directly, chose to malign his choice of reading material.

“Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee?”exclaimed Cpl. Smith. “More like Bury My Fart at Poop and Pee!

“The Iliad? More like The Gay-liad!”

“The Thirty-Nine Steps? More like The, uh, The Thirty-Nine Steps to Your Mom’s House!

“Moby Dick? More like…uh, that one actually is satisfactory, as-is.”

Sources confirmed that company leadership were dismayed that one of their own soldiers was reading something other than the promotion board study guide for enlisted, or “Doctrine!” for officers.