“Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.

Bill Cosby’s sexual assault case ended up in a mistrial, which doesn’t mean he was acquitted. Prosecutors say they will try him again, but it seems like in his deluded mind, he beat the charges and plans on traveling around to teach young people about how to avoid rape allegations. Why do I have a feeling that his opening act is going to be Casey Anthony who will teach young people how to avoid accusations of child murder?

Cosby’s publicists, Andrew Wyatt and Ebonee Benson, were on Good Morning Alabama (via Variety) and sharted up several heave-inducing dingles while saying that he plans to speak to young people (including athletes and married men) about how to avoid and handle sexual assault allegations. Ebonee really brought on the barfs by saying that nowadays, anything can be considered assault. You know, like drugging someone, or brushing up against someone’s shoulder.

Andrew Wyatt: “We’re now planning town halls and we’re going to be coming to this city sometime in July … to talk to young people because this is bigger than Bill Cosby. This issue can affect any young person, especially young athletes of today, and they need to know what they’re facing when they’re hanging out and partying, when they’re doing certain things that they shouldn’t be doing. And it also affects married men. (chuckles)” Ebonee Benson: “Laws are changing. The statute of limitations for victims of sexual assault are being extended. So this is why people need to be educated. A brush against the shoulder, anything at this point, can be considered sexual assault and it’s a good thing to be educated about the laws.”

This makes things easier for the admissions department of Hell’s Special Place. They no longer have to search everywhere for future residents. They just have to get a copy of the sign-up sheet for Cosby’s sexual assault seminars. I swear, the refreshment area at Cosby’s sick seminar is going to be the emptiest place in the world.

And I’m no expert like Bill Cosby, but I would think that the easiest and most sure-fire way to avoid rape accusations is to, I don’t know, not rape anyone. Just a guess.

Pic: Variety