By Chris Wright

We all know that if there’s one thing Yanks (and Canucks) excel at, it’s saddling their sports teams with wonderfully overblown names. So, with a nod to @NikPostinger for planting the seed in the first place by bringing the Lafayette Swamp Cats to our attention this morning, here is a comprehensive run-down of Pies’ favouritest American footsoccer team names.

Most are from the Premier Development League and the United Soccer Leagues (one may even be a girls’ U15 side as far as we can tell!) and a fair few have been defunct for years.

Thunder Bay Chill

Chill, I got this…

Syracuse Salty Dogs

A former club of Ian Woan, no less…

Lafayette Swamp Cats

Feel the magic, hear the roar, Swamp Cats are loose…

Springfield Demize

Surely calling your club “demise” isn’t the best place to start…

Long Island Rough Riders

Nothing says rough and gnarled like a neckerchief…

Caribous of Colorado

Proud exponents of the finest football kit ever worn…

Hartford Bicentennials

Robin Williams approves…

Des Moines Menace

Mr Wilson!!!

Vermont Voltage

Danger, danger…

Hampton Roads Piranhas

Sounds like your friendly, neighbourhood piranha store…

Houston Dutch Lions

Presumably “Dutch Ovens” was already taken…

Southwest Florida Adrenaline

So exciting…

South California Seahorses

No marine animal strikes fear into the heart like the mighty seahorse…

New Orleans Shell Shockers

Who appeared to nick their crest off the Cub Scouts…

Central Florida Kraze Krush

Sounds like a fruit juice from the 1990s that was banned for driving kids wappy…

Cape Cod Crusaders

Let’s all go on a cod crusade…

Boston Minutemen

It only takes a minute, girl…

Kalamazoo Outrage

This guy immediately springs to mind…

Virginia Beach Submariners

*Insert tawdry “subs bench” pun here*….

Spokane Spiders

Particularly good in eight-legged cup ties…

Carolina Dynamo

Admittedly, the name’s not particularly noteworthy but we can’t help feeling we’ve seen this crest before…

West Texas Sockers

Sockers? Geddit?

North Sound Seawolves

Is a “seawolf” anything like an “Airwolf”?

Florida Manatee Magic

The manatee: famously nature’s most magical animal…

Kansas City Brass

A trumpet parping out flaming footballs. That is all…

San Francisco Bay Seals

Signed, sealed, delivered…

St Louis Steamers

Shortly before the franchise relocated to Cleveland…

Puget Sound Bigfoot

The boot room must be enormous…

Jacksonville Tea Men

Hands down our favourite club crest of all time…

Silicon Valley Ambassadors

Damn, we wish we had a badge for these guys.

Roanoke River Dawgs

And the same goes for these guys.

* * * * *

BONUS: As remarked by Bob in the comments, we can’t quite believe we missed out the Pennsylvania Stoners!

Playing in their famous 4-20 formation.