This page starts a new category of language humor, New Meanings for Old Words. We began with The Washington Post's alternate meanings for common words. However, we consider this page open-ended and we encourage you to let your imagination fly and send us the results. Come back at least once a month to see what is new here. Be sure to check at the bottom of this page as well as the top.

New! Definitions from Nick Edmund

Agamemnon n. A way to remember the name of a Muslim official.

n. A way to remember the name of a Muslim official. Inkwell n. An accomplished tattooist.

n. An accomplished tattooist. Lobster n. Someone who throws poorly.

n. Someone who throws poorly. Transcendental adj. Above the teeth.

Definitions from Everywhere

Apiary n. A sting operation. (Thank you, Eve Moody)

n. A sting operation. (Thank you, Eve Moody) Mobilization n. Removing your land line and switching all calls to your mobile. (Thank you, Dr. Goodword)

n. Removing your land line and switching all calls to your mobile. (Thank you, Dr. Goodword) Ramification n. A consequence that is forced down your throat. (Thank you, Andy Stein)

n. A consequence that is forced down your throat. (Thank you, Andy Stein) Politician n.Someone who shakes your hand befor an election and your confidence after it. (Thank you, Sam Fisher)

n.Someone who shakes your hand befor an election and your confidence after it. (Thank you, Sam Fisher) Stalemate (stalemate) n. A leading cause of divorce.

Definitions from Susan Lister

Classic novel np. A book which people praise, but seldom read.

np. A book which people praise, but seldom read. Compromise n. The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.

n. The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece. Conference n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Conference room np. A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said.

np. A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said. Doctor n. A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.

n. A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills. Etc. abb. An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.

abb. An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do. Father n. The banker that nature provides.

n. The banker that nature provides. Lecture n. The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.

n. The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either. Office n. A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.

n. A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home. Smile n. A curve that can set many things straight.

n. A curve that can set many things straight. Tears n. The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

Glossary of R. Dharmarajan

Acre n. Someone that aches

n. Someone that aches Afterdraft n. Life following conscription

n. Life following conscription Atomize v. To transform from a male cat to a female.

v. To transform from a male cat to a female. Carnation n. Country where each citizen owns an automobile

n. Country where each citizen owns an automobile Childhood n. Cowl for an infant.

n. Cowl for an infant. Colander n. Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.

n. Someone who arrives with you on the same plane. Coroner n. A round corner

n. A round corner Cytology n. The study of real estate.

n. The study of real estate. Diode n. A pair of two long poems.

n. A pair of two long poems. Emotion n. Electron movement (also e-motion).

n. Electron movement (also e-motion). Evening n. The first Chinese woman God created.

n. The first Chinese woman God created. Exercise n. Her former body measurements.

n. Her former body measurements. Immediate v. To refrain from mediating.

v. To refrain from mediating. Liquor n. How a male animal cleans his mate.

n. How a male animal cleans his mate. Manometer n. An instrument for detecting disguised males in a group of females.

n. An instrument for detecting disguised males in a group of females. Maritime n. Hour of a wedding.

n. Hour of a wedding. Nitrate n. The price after sundown.

n. The price after sundown. Season n. Male offspring of Poseidon.

n. Male offspring of Poseidon. Syntax n. Tariff on immorality.

n. Tariff on immorality. Tautology n. A riveting, gripping study.

A Dictionary for Women

Argument

(ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.

Airhead

(eyr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.

Bar-be-que

(bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends."

Blonde jokes

(blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.

Cantaloupe

(kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer

(kloze drai•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda

(dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Diamond

(dai•mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park.

Eternity

(e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise

(ex•er•saiz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list

(grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair dresser

(hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.

Hardware store

(hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.

Housework

(haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.

Childbirth

(chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, "focus...breathe...push...."

Lipstick

(lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.

Park

(pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning "a place with a swing set and slide".

Patience

(pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof mascara

(wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day

(va•lun•tainz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Author: Unknown / Contributor: John Masher

From the creative mind of Jonny Groves

Synonym , n. A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples.

, n. A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples. Bide , v. Past tense of buy.

, v. Past tense of buy. Goad , v. Past tense of go.

, v. Past tense of go. Octopus , n. A cat with eight legs.

, n. A cat with eight legs. Catacomb , n. What a feline uses to straighten its hair.

, n. What a feline uses to straighten its hair. Medieval , adj. Not completely wicked.

, adj. Not completely wicked. Biology , n. The scientific study of the number two.

, n. The scientific study of the number two. Atom , n. The first particle of the universe.

, n. The first particle of the universe. Hole-in-One , n. What an amateur golfer gets when he reaches down to get his ball out of the up and his pants rip.

, n. What an amateur golfer gets when he reaches down to get his ball out of the up and his pants rip. Prophet , n. What a greedy religious organization ultimately desires (as opposed atheism, a non-prophet organization).

, n. What a greedy religious organization ultimately desires (as opposed atheism, a non-prophet organization). Thesaurus , n. A dinosaur that studies words.

, n. A dinosaur that studies words. Professor , n. Opposite of confessor.

, n. Opposite of confessor. Phony , adj. Related to telephones.

, adj. Related to telephones. Silverfish , n. A precious fish that is not quite as good as a goldfish.

, n. A precious fish that is not quite as good as a goldfish. Congress , n. The antonym of progress.

, n. The antonym of progress. Hamlet , n. A small pig.

, n. A small pig. Tooth, adj. The ordinal number for two.

Medical Dictionary (More from Paul Ogden)

Artery , n. The study of paintings.

, n. The study of paintings. Bacteria , n. The back door of a cafeteria.

, n. The back door of a cafeteria. Barium , n. What doctors recommend when their patients die.

, n. What doctors recommend when their patients die. Benign , adj. What you be after you be eight.

, adj. What you be after you be eight. Caesarean section , np. High-rent area in Rome.

, np. High-rent area in Rome. Cat scan , np. A search for kitty.

, np. A search for kitty. Cauterize , v. Made eye contact with her.

, v. Made eye contact with her. Colic , n. A breed of sheep dog.

, n. A breed of sheep dog. Coma , n. A punctuation mark of consciousness.

, n. A punctuation mark of consciousness. Dilate , v. To live a long life.

, v. To live a long life. Disaster , vp. What happened to the lady who backed into a propellor

, vp. What happened to the lady who backed into a propellor Fibula , n. A small lie.

, n. A small lie. Impotent , adj. Distinguished, well known.

, adj. Distinguished, well known. Labor pain , np. The result of a work injury.

, np. The result of a work injury. Medical Staff , np. A doctor's walking cane.

, np. A doctor's walking cane. Morbid , adj. A higher offer.

, adj. A higher offer. Nitrates , npl. A price cheaper than day rates.

, npl. A price cheaper than day rates. Node , v. Past tense of knew .

, v. Past tense of . Outpatient , n. A person who has fainted.

, n. A person who has fainted. Pelvis , n. Elvis's second cousin.

, n. Elvis's second cousin. Postoperative , n. A mailman or letter carrier.

, n. A mailman or letter carrier. Recovery room , np. Place to do upholstery.

, np. Place to do upholstery. Rectum , v. Nearly killed him.

, v. Nearly killed him. Secretion , n. A hiding place.

, n. A hiding place. Seizure , n. An alcoholic Roman emperor.

, n. An alcoholic Roman emperor. Tablet , n. A small table.

, n. A small table. Terminal illness , np. Airport sickness.

, np. Airport sickness. Tumor , n. One more than one more.

, n. One more than one more. Urine, vp. Where you are when you aren't out.

Some Funny Ones from Alex King

Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tried to do.

v. What a bullfighter tried to do. Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.

n. What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.

npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets. Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.

v. What an Cockney barber does for a living. Eyedropper: n. A clumsy ophthamologist.

n. A clumsy ophthamologist. Paradox: npl. Two physicians.

npl. Two physicians. Parasites: npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist: n. A farm hand.

n. A farm hand. Relief: v. What trees do in the spring.

v. What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck: vp. What you do to relax your wife.

vp. What you do to relax your wife. Sudafed: v. Brought a suit against a government official.

Collection from Paul Ogden

Acupuncture , n. a jab well done.

, n. a jab well done. Adult , n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

, n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Beauty Parlor , n. A place where women curl up and dye.

, n. A place where women curl up and dye. Cannibal , n. Someone who is fed up with people.

, n. Someone who is fed up with people. Chicken , n.The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.

, n.The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead. Committee , n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Dust , n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.

, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out. Egotist , n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

, n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. Handkerchief , n. Cold storage.

, n. Cold storage. Inflation , n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

, n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. Mosquito , n. An insect that makes you like flies better.

, n. An insect that makes you like flies better. Raisin , n. A grape with a sunburn.

, n. A grape with a sunburn. Secret , n. Something you tell to one person at a time.

, n. Something you tell to one person at a time. Skeleton , n. A collection of bones with the person scraped off.

, n. A collection of bones with the person scraped off. Toothache , n. The pain that drives you to extraction.

, n. The pain that drives you to extraction. Tomorrow , n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. Yawn , n. An honest opinion openly expressed.

, n. An honest opinion openly expressed. Wrinkle, n. Something other people have; I have character lines.

Washington Post

Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

, n. A rapidly receding hairline. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

, n. The person upon whom one coughs. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.

, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

, v. To walk with a lisp. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. Testicle, n. A short quiz.

New Meanings for alphaDictionary Good Words

Abasement , n. Where the furnace is located.

, n. Where the furnace is located. Barbarian , adj. Belonging or related to Barbara.

, adj. Belonging or related to Barbara. Hegemony , n. Blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.

, n. Blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's. Humdinger , n. The sound a grandfather's clock makes before striking.

, n. The sound a grandfather's clock makes before striking. Physique , n. The opposite of mystique.

, n. The opposite of mystique. Scurrilous , adj. In an excited state (said of mice and the like).

, adj. In an excited state (said of mice and the like). Copacetic , n. A relaxant that helps you cope.

, n. A relaxant that helps you cope. Oxymoron , n. Someone who is as dumb as an ox.

, n. Someone who is as dumb as an ox. Incommodius , adj. Unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.

, adj. Unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time. Infantry n. The kid's room.

n. The kid's room. Jaywalk , v. Walk like a colorful bird.

, v. Walk like a colorful bird. Malediction, n. The way men talk.

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