SOUTH BURLINGTON – After hearing hundreds of complaints from Burlington area residents over the F-35s being stationed at the Air Guard Base, Air Force Chief of Staff General Moch Toomey announced a solution yesterday. The Air Force has reclassified the F-35 as the F-36 Fighter Interceptor. General Toomey says this should end complaints about the F-35s from those living near the airport.

Former Air Force F-35 Command Pilot Col. Sund Barrier (Ret.) suggested the change in his capacity as spokesman for Lockheed Martin the F-35 manufacturer. “This was a ‘Progressive’ move on the part of the Defense Department,” Barrier stated. “We’re not getting a single complaint about F-35s anymore. We don’t even fly F-35s anymore.”

When word of the change reached Vermont via The Winooski’s exclusive report, opposition surfaced immediately. Winooski resident Dezi Belle called the Air Force move a “tactical diversion designed to intimidate and control the population that is intolerant to noise.” Belle made the statement in front of a crowd of twenty supporters using a bull horn at Essex Five Corners. The crowd was quickly dispersed and told to practice social distancing.

Belle’s bull horn was confiscated by police and she was cited into court for violation of noise ordinances. The entire scene was caught on camera by a newly designated F-36 passing overhead on final approach to the airport. Over on the nearly empty Church Street Marketplace in Burlington, City Councilor Cobb L. Stone stated, “Those F-36s are so much quieter. Doesn’t the city seem a lot quieter lately?” That view was concurred with by Colchester Representative Buzz Milton, who said, “That should end this issue.” It should be noted that Milton lost 60% of his hearing due to excessive bullhorn usage at a protest earlier that day near Five Corners.