Some people may think that you need to be in a relationship in order to know how they function, but some people are idiots and wrong. Au contraire (that’s French for “oh contrast”) it’s actually beneficial to be on the outside looking in. Like, marine biologists don’t live in the ocean, because that would be stupid, y’know?

Anyway, I feel it is my duty to give tips to those who seek them, in order for all the couples of the world to prosper. Here are some particularly useful and important categories to focus on.

Communication

Communication is key. In actual fact, communication is a key. A key to what? Your partner’s pants. And right now you may be thinking “there are no locks on my partner’s pants”, but that’s what we call a metaphor. What’s a meta-for? Let me show you an example.

– “Hey, can I get in your pants?”

– “Yup.”

And it’s as easy as that. You see, with the simple act of communication, you can express intent and you can receive a reply right back. Communication opens doors. All kinds of doors. Even back doors if you ask nicely.

On the other end of the communication spectrum is silence. Sometimes words just can’t express your intricate feelings, especially if you’re dating a deaf person. Either way, you should never be afraid of not speaking. The best couples are never threatened by silence, and often feel more comfortable revelling in the lack of noise. Ronan Keating said it best when he said nothing at all, and that translates to this too. After all, he is the Irish Bryan Adams.

Spontaneity

Being spontaneous is important because sometimes you need to shake up the ol’ routine and keep things fresh. Mix up two different types of cereal for breakfast and drink the milky cocktail afterwards. Sit down to wipe (or stand up to wipe, depending on your original preference). Adopt one of those ugly animals, the ones that nobody likes in the first place but would still feel guilty if they were to go extinct. These personal choices will make you more desirable to your partner because it shows that you like to put yourself out there.

In terms of applying this to your relationship directly, small simple surprises will make a big impact and ultimately keep things exciting, postponing the bland inevitable final phase of your romance where you have as much chemistry as the hosts of The One Show. As an example, try waking up before your partner and making breakfast in bed. Or, more accurately, make breakfast in kitchen and bring breakfast to bed. Because nothing is more pleasant than eating in the comfort of your own bed, even if you risk making the place you sleep an orgy for ants.

On the raunchier side of spontaneity, buy some lingerie for that special lady in your life. It says to them – “Vaginas look really weird on their own, so cover that nightmare up with this lacy fabric. Also, don’t get me wrong, the vagina is still my end game here, but we can always turn the lights off when we get to that.”

Equally, why not buy your man some fancy underwear? Anyone over the age of 18 will be delighted to receive some, trust me. Some silky boxer briefs, with nice complimentary colours…It’s about time someone tapped into the male lingerie market. I call it – Dongerie™ (pronounced the same as “lingerie”…but with “dong”).

As a final point, make sure you say the word “Spontaneous!” after doing something spontaneous, or your partner might not know. Then throw some confetti in the air as you say it, for extra clarification.

Caring/Sharing

Bryan Adams said “everything I do, I do it for you”, and he’s the Canadian Enrique Iglesias.

Having your partner’s well-being in mind shows that you care, and caring is important. Before making big decisions that may affect them, think first – how will this make my boo feel? If it impacts positively, then go ahead! If not, then don’t. Or do, and just lie about it because who cares.

Sharing (which is also caring) is important because it allows you to open up to another person in terms of life experience. Not only life experience, but also physical belongings, which can be even more difficult. Sharing a bed/shower/toilet, is one thing. When it comes to sharing your chips, or a Netflix account, it becomes a totally different matter. Maybe you don’t want people to think that you watched Postman Pat: The Movie, but with someone else using your account, it’s a distinct possibility. That’s the risk you have to take when you share, but in the end it displays commitment and like Postman Pat, you deliver.

Intimacy

Perhaps the hardest hurdle (noun) to hurdle (verb) is being intimate with your partner. As intimacy is not something you acquire straight away, it takes time to really feel comfortable in the most revealing of situations, whether they are physically revealing or emotionally revealing.

Have a weird mole somewhere on your body that you don’t want anyone to notice? Or you cry every time you see a family of ducks? These traits can be difficult to hide from someone who is becoming increasingly close to you, especially if you live near an area in which ducks are prominent.

The only way to get around these apprehensions is to realise that your partner also has them, because we are all disgusting monsters. And with this common ground, your partner can be your hero, baby, and can kiss away the pain, courtesy of Enrique Iglesias (the Spanish Justin Timberlake).

Conclusion

Ultimately all couples have a ‘Use By’ and ‘Best Before’ date, so it shouldn’t be about making things last, because you’re going to grow fungus either way. It should be about making the time that you do have matter.