The 5 Online Men Who Annoy Me

So I’m gay. Like many people, gay or straight, I utilize some online dating sites. I’ve used OKCupid, Grindr, Tinder, Jack’d, Hornet, Scruff, etc. etc. et-fucking-cetera. There are too many to list, but gay men are generally stereotyped as “parade-loving sex-desperate fashion professionals” so here we are.

Anyway, something I need to get off my mind is the certain kinds of people who are really frustrating on dating sites. Out of the respect for peoples’ privacy, I’m not going to post their pictures on here directly, but you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m all for “being yourself” and everything, but dating sites get bad reputations because of:

1. Headless Horsemen

Shirtless, headless, personality-less. You know who these people are. 9 times out of 9, their profiles are as bland as it gets anyway, but to not have your face visible on top of it? You’re giving me nothing to go on.

Then again, when your logo is some sort of witch doctor’s masquerade mask, I can kind of get it.



There are plenty of shallow people out there who only need nipples and a belly button (the Bermuda Triangle of low standards) to know that they want to do the dirty ASAP. Fine for them, but honestly, it’s a ridiculous amount of men who pull this photo. Half of them don’t even have that great of a body in the first place. That’s like letting people try your pie in a pie contest, but only the crust and it’s made of sand.

I understand the guys who aren’t “out” yet, so they want to be discreet. We’re living in times where, for whatever illogical reasoning, it’s still “not okay” to be gay to everyone. Fine. You’re being careful.

Or you’re just being a tool, because if you are “out” and you still only want to show your body, that tells me that you’re either very vain about your great metabolism or you have terrible self-esteem when you look in the mirror anywhere above your neck. Not cute.

2. The Blind

No, this isn’t some sort of prejudice against people with visual disabilities. Except it kind of is.

What are you doing, exactly, when you’re online on a dating/hookup site? If you answered “not looking,” then I can only assume you’re the kind of person who watches porn for the cinematography.

What you’re doing is lying. I can almost forgive people who say “not looking” on their profile if it weren’t for the guys who are being overtly sexual in their main picture. Like “hey, here’s a picture of my mediocre cock but I’m totally looking for a long-term serious married-with-kids relationship.”

Not pictured: Dignity

To be fair, “looking” is gay lingo for “hookup,” as in “looking to hook up.” It’s nice when you have that line because you have some guys who straight-up want to invite someone over and organize their condom cabinet, and you have other guys who just want to have conversation, maybe meet up for a traditional date. Both cases are totally okay! But don’t put up a picture of your junk and act like you want to have coffee when all you want is creamer.

3. ‘Hi’ Guys

This is how a typical conversation with a “Hi Guy” will go:

Him: Hi

Me: Hey, how are you?

Him: Good

Me: Cool… what are you up to?

Him: nm

Me: Oh. Yeah I just got off a 12 hour shift, I’m beat.

Him: nice

Yeah. Whether you’re looking for a quickie or a longie, this isn’t going to help you. Shit, at least talk a little dirty if that’s your angle. “Hi” is probably the number one absolute worst way to start a conversation on a dating site, only slightly above “You have a nice skull, what’s your social security number?”

Even if you’re gorgeous with a great body and an adorable face, this is a deal breaker. Why are you like that? Why can’t you just have a conversation? You messaged me first. That’s like calling someone and asking them why they called you.

4. Women

Stop. I don’t care that your name is Jackie and you just love love LOVE having gay friends because they’re the best. I’m not on a dating site (for men) to meet some desperate girl. You know what that says? You’re having too much trouble getting a straight guy to notice you so you turn to gay men in the hopes that they’ll critique your heels and make you feel the way daddy used to.

The only exception. Ever.

The “joke” of seeing a girl on, let’s say, Grindr, is summed up by saying “LOL look I’m a girl, NOT A GUY, get it?” Literally, girls are the last thing I want to see if I’m on a site/app like that. Literally.

5. Animals

So that means I’d love to see pictures of Mittens, your cuddly companion right? Nope. If your default picture is your cat, I’m not responding to you.

Why? At least the Headless Horsemen are putting SOMETHING about themselves in their picture. This goes for lots of different pictures, though. Animals, houses, food, memes, Windows XP Default Wallpapers, etc.

21 DL Masc hung vers NOT LOOKING

I love dogs. I’m a dog-guy. If you have a dog, instant points. But that’s not the first thing I need to know about you. Have a goddamned picture of yourself with a few little facts about you and then mention it later. Dogs don’t fix ugly and boring; that makes me think you’re desperate. Like “maybe if he thinks my shih tzu is cute enough, he can completely overlook my sociopathic tendencies and rampant acne!” Nope.

23 and Over It,

Kyle