Offensive tweeters of the world, rejoice. The Crown Prosecution Service has issued a 14-page guide to social media prosecutions, and the people of Twitter are free, once again, to offend. As of today, a joke bomb threat will no longer land a user in a two-year legal battle. Drunken tweeters hurling misspelt insults need no longer fear a date with a judge.

Credible violent threats, campaigns of harassment and tweets that breach court orders will still be prosecuted. But being a bit of a dick is squarely back on the table. Here's our guide to being offensive while staying safely on the right side of the law.

Make your threats incredible

Credible threats will still be prosecuted, so go big or go to jail. Avoid plausible phrases such as "I'm physically going to punch you." Instead, try the much less credible: "I'm going to hit you so hard we both get knighthoods." How would that possibly happen? It wouldn't. Granting you total legal immunity.

Harass indiscriminately

Targeted harassment will still land you in court, so if you feel the urge just remember to spray your fire. Don't pick out a victim with a mention. Stick to the vague: "Hey! No one in particular! You're a [INSERT TERM OF VULGAR ABUSE]."

Use your kids



The guidelines state that under-18s will rarely face charges for offensive tweets, so if you do need to hurl some targeted vitriol, try enlisting a minor to be your messenger. Convince a six-year-old to insult your target and the law will be powerless to help them. Just be prepared for them to retaliate by teaching a baby how to do the same to you.

Be nothing more than offensive

For a user to face prosecution, their message must be "more than offensive, shocking or disturbing". So keep it simple, and avoid being topical, interesting or witty as well. Make your motto: that's just offensive.

Alternatively, be cryptic

Prosecutable messages must be "obviously" beyond what is rightly considered tolerable in a diverse society. So disguise your insult in a difficult riddle and you should be fine.

If you've overdone it, back-pedal

Tweeters who swiftly delete their message and apologise are unlikely to find themselves in court, so if you have accidentally tweeted something that's credibly violent, targeted, obvious and more than just offensive simply take it down and tweet: "Sorry, mate." If you're still worried, add: "That was my infant son."

• The Guardian has been legally advised to make it clear that this is not, in any sense, real legal advice.