Animal FOD: The Tempestuous Tapir

Tapir

Turn your weary minds, dear humans, to the benevolent malevolence that is the gregarious Tapir.

What is this thing you look upon? Why it is the Tapir, which I believe will one day evolve into the following:

The Tapir, when not trying to turn green so they can work for Hutts, are not really pig-related thingies like they look. They’re a wonky cross between a rhino and a horse. They’re freaking weird man. And much like crocodiles and Barbara Walters, they have not changed much in the last few million years.

When they are adults, they are pretty big….some grow up to be 700 pounds. They’re usually about three feet tall and can be seven feet long with a short stubby trunk and beeeeeady little eyes. Ew.

Tapir’s are considered old enough to vote when they’re 2-3 years old and then they squander their opportunities to effect change in the political climate by wandering around in South America and Asia eating fruit or wallowing in mud or water to cool off. Lazy bastards.

But then again, if I looked like this when I was little,

Then turned into this when I got older,

I’d just want to hide in the jungle and eat fruit all day too.

They run faster than you’d expect and can be kind of rude. In 1998 one of bit off a zoo keeper’s arm. That’s right. BIT OFF. As in Severed limb, people. RUDE.

But then again, they generally like to run away from conflict like big pansies so you could argue that it felt trapped in the zoo. Also, it was in Oklahoma City….you can’t expect Tapir’s to act normal in Oklahoma City.

Normally, in the wild, things like Jaguars and crocs(the lizards, not the shoes), anacondas, and tigers like to chew on their faces. Apparently Jaguars and crocs(lizards and shoes), anacondas, and tigers are not picky eaters.

I’d say, GET THEM WHEN THEY’RE YOUNG and ADORBS!

Oh and yes, they are endangered, because they live in nice real estate that we think would look better as a strip mall or a McDonalds. They’ll be fine once they learn how to eat burgers.