

The other day, I was chatting with Displaced Texan (nee Evan), when he pointed out something peculiar: in the song "Regulate," Warren G doesn't really "regulate" anything or anyone so much as he spends almost the entire song being a burden to Nate Dogg.

First off, we learn that Warren is looking for some ladies ("skirts for the eve") and that, at some point, he and Nate Dogg are supposed to meet up. Warren turns left at 21st St. and Lewis Ave. in Long Beach, CA. Looking at the Google Map of the area, we see that Lewis is a short street that only runs between 20th and 21st, so, while Warren's directions are slightly unclear, I think the safe bet is that Warren was heading east on 21st and turned left onto Lewis. (I base this on the fact that turning left onto Lewis would send Warren in the direction of MLK Park, which as we know from Snoop Dogg's song "21 Jump Street," is a summer party location, as well as Long Beach City College, both of which seem like reasonable places to look for women.)

As soon as he makes his left turn, Warren, who is wearing rings and a Rolex, sees some unidentified dudes shooting dice on the sidewalk. Despite the fact that there seems to be minimal lighting in this area, Warren's first reaction upon seeing the dice game is to stop his car, hop out, and attempt to join the game. Also, despite growing up in this area --- which Wiki tells us is "home to numerous gangs including two rival Crip factions, gangs affiliated with the Mexican Mafia, Sons Of Samoa Crips, and some of the oldest mixed Samoan and other ethnicity street gangs in the United States, including the 15 Street Suicidals" --- Warren seems surprised when the dice players pull guns on him and rob him. He is, in fact, so unprepared that his entire response to the robbery is to wish for a set of wings and to "contemplate."

At the same time, Nate Dogg, who has just hit the eastside of Long Beach "on a mission tryin' to find Mr. Warren G," ignores the "gang of hoes" who have just wrecked their car while ogling him and continues on his mission to locate Warren. As luck would have it, Nate stumbles upon Warren "gettin' jacked," which I can only assume means that Nate was traveling east on 20th St. past MLK Park (looking for women, remember) and, as he turns onto Lewis, sees what is occurring further up the block. His reaction is to "let his gat explode" and kill all of the would-be robbers. So, in short, Warren stupidly crashes some dudes' dice game, then Nate Dogg kills them all. Sort of a dick move, really.

ANYWAY ... with the all the busters appropriately laid down, Nate immediately returns his attention to getting laid. Thankfully, the girls who were ogling him and who crashed their car in the process remained stuck on the curb, "in need of some desperate help." Ever the gentleman, Nate returns with Warren to provide said assistance. One of the girls comments that Nate "seems real nice," so all of the ladies hop into Nate's car and head to the "Eastside Motel." (A Google search confirms that there is no motel by that name, but a safe bet would be this one, which is just on the other side of the LBCC campus.)

And that's the whole story. At no point does Warren "regulate." In fact, while Nate clearly regulates against the stealing of Nate's property (and is "damn good, too"), one could argue that Warren's the proverbial "geek off the street" in this song. Somehow, I don't think that was the point.

/pours out a little for Nate Dogg

102.9.

The difference in yards allowed per game between the 2010 Texans' defense and the 2011 iteration (so far). In other words, it's the difference between this:



and this:



5.4.

Difference in number of first downs allowed per game between the 2010 Texans' defense and the 2011 team. The former was "good" for 31st in the league; the latter is best in the league.

1.2.

Difference in yards per play allowed by the Texans in 2010 and 2011. Last year's 6.0 was 31st in the league; this year's 4.8? Oh, it's just first. Because that's what the Texans do. They rock a great defense and hit you in the mouth arrogantly.

2; 1.

Number of rushing TDs for Matthew Rutledge Schaub and Christopher Duan Johnson, respectively, in 2011. Of course, Schaubby has done his in 14 carries, while Cop Speed has 121 carries, but pointing that out just seems like picking nits.

105.

Number of pass attempts between Matt Schaub's last two interceptions. And, c'mon, let's be honest --- it's not like the INT on Sunday was really Schaub's fault. It was just a good play with great timing by the defense. Since that defense lost, they can suck it. SUCK IT LONG AND HARD, D'QWELL JACKSON.

10.6.

Yards per attempt by Colt McCoy on Sunday. That's not bad. Though, for a frame of reference, Ben Tate averaged 9.6 per carry. Because Ben Tate thinks that Colt McCoy is a namby-pamby girly man with small testicles.

Consonant Conundrum.

So, I was watching the Science Channel Sunday night, when I noticed something that bugged me. As you may know, the Science Channel is carrying this year's "Punkin Chunkin." Whatever. If you can't enjoy trebuchets and catapults and other implements designed to throw gourds as far as they possibly can, then I don't even know who you are anymore. We've grown apart.

ANYWAY ... while watching Science on Sunday, I noticed that they were calling this month "Chunktember." Uh ... what? If anything, it should be "Chunkvember," because, you know, this month is No-friggin'-vember. What the crap does "tember" have to do with anything?

Nothing. That's what.

(I'd give up on Science Channel but, well, History is showing crap about aliens building ancient Greece and whatnot, so ... yeah.)

8.

Consecutive games in which the Texans' defense has snagged at least one interception. Dating back to last season, the defense has picked off a pass in 11 of the past 12 games, with the season opener against the Colts being the lone exception.

6.

Interceptions by Jason Allen as a Houston Texan, ranking him fourth all-time in Texans history. Notably, he's done it in only 16 games, and primarily as a back-up/part-time player.

13.75 ± 0.13 billion.

Age of the universe, in years. If you doubt this, we are precluded from having any science-based discussions. It doesn't mean we can't still be friends, though.

172.

Total yards gained by the Browns on Sunday, marking the third straight game that the Texans have held an opponent under 175 total yards. To put that in perspective, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Washington, Atlanta, Buffalo, and San Diego have all held an opponent under 200 total yards once this season, and the rest of the teams have not done it at all.

4,384; 2,922; 1,462.

Total yards, passing yards, and rushing yards, respectively, that the Texans are on pace to allow in 2011. All three would obliterate existing team records, which are 5,198 total yards (2009), 3,423 passing yards (2008), and 1,711 rushing yards (2009). In case you were wondering, the 1985 Chicago Bears allowed 4,135 total yards, 2,816 passing yards, and 1,319 rushing yards. The 2000 Baltimore Ravens? 3,967 total, 2,997 passing, and 970 (!) rushing.

Knowing Is Half The Battle.

As anyone who knows both of them will confirm, my first wife and my current wife are very, very different. For example, whereas the first one thought that sex should occur roughly as often as the vernal equinox, the current wife thinks that MDC-centric lovin' is a good thing that should be experienced as often as possible, often in ways that are still frowned upon in much of the old South. All in all, it was a great upgrade on the part of your protagonist hero.

The ladies are alike in at least two ways, however. First, they both thought that marrying me was a good plan. Heh. Secondly, however, they both also owned the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Flagg, when they were kids. This strikes me as an incredibly odd thing for two girls to own, especially given the size of the toy.

No.

The answer to the question, "Is Ben Tate better than Arian Foster?" Also the answer to the question, "Does the defense's success mean that Mario Williams is not important to the team?" Also the answer to the question, "Would you like to waive your right to remain silent?"

119.

Matt Schaub's passing yards against Cleveland. Somewhat surprisingly, this is not the lowest passing-yards total in a win under Gary Kubiak, as Schaub threw for only 109 against the Colts in the 2010 season opener.

2; 1.

Number of rushing TDs for Matt Schaub and Chris Johnson, respectively, in 2011. Warrants repeating.

146.

Passing yards by Colt McCoy on Sunday, his lowest total in a game with at least 20 pass attempts. (He was 14/22 on the day.) This was also the third straight game in which McCoy was sacked four times.

2.

Passes defended by Kareem Jackson on Sunday, marking the first time in his career that he's had more than one PD in a game. PRO-READY! (FYI: Jason Allen has four games with 2 PDs in his Texans career.)

3.

Most passes defended in a single game by Petey Faggins while a member of the Houston Texans. He managed to defend three on four separate occasions -- Week 17 of 2003, Week 4 of 2004, and Weeks 11 and 14 of 2006. In total, Petey had ten games with at least two passes defended. So, you know ... Kareem has something to strive for, I guess. It's good to have goals. Gives a man purpose.

1.

Number of TDs in 2011 by Brice McCain and Chris Johnson.

Random '90s Rap Video.

Well That's Dumb.

I mentioned last week that I would gladly pay for the coaches' view footage of NFL games and that I thought the NFL was missing out on a lot of money from people like me. Well, earlier this week, the Wall Street Journal had a story on why the NFL doesn't want to let fans see the All-22 angle. But I'll let Charley Casserly explain:

Charley Casserly, a former general manager who was a member of the NFL's competition committee, says he voted against releasing All-22 footage because he worried that if fans had access, it would open players and teams up to a level of criticism far beyond the current hum of talk radio. Casserly believed fans would jump to conclusions after watching one or two games in the All-22, without knowing the full story. "I was concerned about misinformation being spread about players and coaches and their ability to do their job," he said. "It becomes a distraction that you have to deal with."

Obviously, this is ass-tastically ignorant. This statement is so dumb, if you got all the dumb statements uttered anywhere in the world in the last year together in a room and asked those statements to evaluate Casserly's statement, they'd all laugh at how asinine it was. It's a stupid statement, is my point.

After all, if anything, allowing people to see the entire field and all the players would lessen the need to jump to conclusions. We wouldn't have to argue over whether a WR was a good downfield blocker, because we'd be able to watch the WRs block. We would know whether the Texans were rolling zone help toward Kareem Jackson more frequently than they do with Jason Allen. We would be able to answer the question of whether Jacoby Jones is lazy and/or sloppy in route running. In short, we'd have less reason to jump to conclusions on anything, because we'd be able to see everything.

Ignoring the lack of logic in Casserly's statement, however, I think it sheds some light on the real reason the NFL doesn't want to let you see the tape: a fear of well-founded criticism of players and coaches. As it is, you are limited in how much you see of the game that isn't occurring in close proximity to the ball. By forcing you to focus on the ball and a few players, the NFL limits the data you have to evaluate other players and, by extension, coaches. With that data, you might realize that the talking points fed to you by the NFL, NFLN, and ESPN (among others) are, by and large, complete crap.

Adventures In Facepalm.

So, a quick housekeeping note that also doubles as a pet peeve: this whole "first" thing in the comments needs to die a terrible, painful death, and it needs to do so very soon. That practice was neither funny nor entertaining 10 years ago when people were doing it, and it's even more obnoxious today. Let me explain: no one is impressed that you were the first person to make a comment. At best, people ignore the stupidity of "first!" and just move on to the rest of the comments. At worst, they think, "Ah, another person to add to my 'list of people to kill.'" Neither scenario is a positive for you.

Tangent: no one thinks that writing a comment based around the word "first" is any less inane.

The really annoying thing, at least from my perspective, is that this didn't used to be an issue around here. It seems to go part-and-parcel with the same kind of decline in comment quality that has forced Tim to write posts like this. You're better than this, people. You really are.

Additional tangent: there's a 99.99% chance that the first person to comment on this post will write "first!" or some derivative thereof just to try to irritate me. There's a 100% chance that they will fail, as I will not be irritated; I will just assume that he (or, theoretically I suppose, she) is a moron.

No.

Apparently, Albert Haynesworth has been released by the Patriots. So "no" is also the answer to the inevitable, "Hey, should we try to sign him?"

Penn State.

I had a thought yesterday when I was reading about the Sandusky/PSU stuff. Can you imagine the awkwardness of the conversation between Joe Paterno and the graduate assistant who had to tell him about the janitor seeing Sandusky going down on a boy? I mean, Paterno and my grandpa are the same age, and I cannot fathom trying to explain this to him 9 years ago. "So ... uh ... coach ... um ... well, you see ... the janitor ... he ... I mean ... coach Sandusky ... sorta ...."

There's no way that conversation didn't involve the most confused old man look in the history of the world.

Sounds Right.

Your Houston Texans have the highest likelihood of making the playoffs among all AFC teams, at least according to the fine folks at Football Outsiders. (I'm sorry, was that arrogant of me?)

The "Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer" Inexplicable Decision Of The Week.

[Author's note: It's a sad day in Two-Day Hangover Land. It seems that Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer has gotten married and changed the name on her public profile to the much more professional sounding, "Marijuana Sawyer-Clardy." Dang. Thankfully, we have a long memory around here, at least when it comes to stuff like this, so we'll just forge ahead and pretend like nothing has changed.]

Much like the decision to name your daughter "Marijuana Pepsi," the Browns' decision to kick a FG when trailing 27-3 late in the third quarter made no sense. Oh, sure, it was 4th & 10, but cutting the Texans' lead to a mere 21 points didn't do much for them other than try to make them look a little less bad at the end of the game. According to Advanced NFL Stats, the FG took the Browns' win probability from .02 all the way to ... .03.

TXT MSGs Of The Week.

grungedave:

Jeez, it must suck to be a Browns fan.

Shake:

I love the way Joseph hits. Love.

Tim:

I'm not saying I'd trade my son for J-Jo. I'm not. But if the offer was made? It would be a sleepless night.

Browns vs Texans coverage