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PUTIN FUMES AS REPORTS OF LOST RUSSIAN NUCLEAR POWERED MISSILE

Ok, if you’re old enough to remember the movie The Hunt for Red October, this is a little funny. Well, funny and scary. At the end of the movie, there’s a joke about Russia losing two nuclear submarines and needing help finding them. Well, here we are today in the year 2018 and Russia has really lost a nuclear-powered missile. Yeah. That’s right. Nuclear powered. Missile. Have you seen it? Remember when Putin bragged about his prototype missiles that could attack any target on the planet? Well, let’s just say they’re pretty good at finding oceans. Splash. Oops. Call Trump and help us find it. Maybe they were running on fumes?

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4 MISSILE TESTS WERE ALL EMBARRASSING FAILURES

Russian tested four of these nuclear powered missiles, named Burevestniks, between last November and this past February. But all four missiles failed abysmally. The best lasted 2 minutes and made it just 22 miles. Many older missiles have that problem, right? So none of the 4 missiles’ nuclear cores activated in flight, leaving the death dealing tests a series of bad splashes. But one of these underperforming bad boys remains missing, months later. So here we go again, if The Hunt for Red October is really based in some historical, if still classified, fact.

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RACE TO FAILED ARMS RACE FIND?

So the missile is under water somewhere in the Barents Sea. But if you’re an American you won’t know this, but the Barents Sea is north of both Russian and Norway. The Russians plan on sending searchers out, comprised of three vessels. One of these ships will be able to safely (?) transport the nuclear core when they presumably find the missile. So far, we don’t know if this search has started, will start soon, or is still just a pipe dream. Oh, and despite how clearly Trump is “over a barrel” by the Russians, you can be damn sure American peeps are out there looking, too.

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