It’s hard being an introvert in America. Our culture is oriented around extroverts. The church is no different. Worship services, retreats, service opportunities, and small groups, are all extrovert centric. As a result, when an introvert hears about the relational nature of disciple making, they often interpret as being just another thing that’s geared toward extroverts.

I know because I am an introvert and naturally very intentional. My path to becoming a fruitful disciple maker has demanded a lot of me. Over the past twenty years, I’ve worked hard to become more relational and over the last ten I’ve helped many others in the same journey. I’ve learned that there are three keys to becoming more relational…or to helping someone else become more relational.

1. Cultivating Awareness – Most highly intentional people aren’t aware of their relational deficits. Instead, they’re attuned to accomplishing goals or to defending a truth or belief they hold. Since introverts are inwardly focused they can often miss the impact they are having on others. I’ve often been surprised by someone’s offense or dislike of me. Growing towards the relational side of the scale has required me to develop awareness of how other people experience me.

Practically, I have grown in this by talking to trusted relational friends. I ask them what they’re seeing in me and how to handle situations where I feel lost. Another thing I’ve done is to read books that focus on emotional and relational health. As I was starting this process, I read this book every month for a couple years. It helped me develop awareness of whether I was doing what was already intellectually known to me.

2. Conquering the Authenticity Problem – Understanding what changes need to be made leads most to an authenticity problem. In American culture, relational skills often feel fake to strong intentionals. Many may say something like, “So, when I meet someone, I’m supposed to smile and chit chat with them? And after exchanging cliched information for five minutes, I’m supposed to smile again and tell them it was good talking to them?! That sounds terrible and it wouldn’t be true!” See the problem?

Overcoming this isn’t easy. There is a period of practice that feels like lying, but it’s not. Intentionals can conquer this problem by understanding there is more than one truth and seeking the deeper truth. Just as mobile home is both a mode of transportation and a dwelling, the same experience can have multiple truths.

The setting here is normally social interaction. Intentionals often experience social settings as an exercise in ritualized lying. If a person is trying to become more relational they could also process the interaction as an opportunity to grow. We can smile at the opportunity and say it was good talking to them because we need such interactions to become who God is calling us to become. With practice, the interactions feel more and more natural, even if they never become enjoyable.

3. Committing to Consistent Action – Without consistent action awareness and a path to authenticity won’t matter. But since intentionals excel at making and carrying out plans, committing to consistent action is normally their easiest of these steps.