“Yes, civilization is very happy. Centuries from now, historians will look back at the greatest achievements of all time: the development of democracy, the invention of electricity and the time Trump negotiated a really short cease-fire in a war he basically started.” — TREVOR NOAH “Because the deal is that they have five days to leave the land and then Turkey gets the land. That’s the deal. Yeah. Doesn’t sound like a deal. Sounds like the deal I had with my high school bully: I would give him my lunch money and he would give me a black eye. Win-win.” — TREVOR NOAH “Trump took a victory lap and said the deal never would never have been made without him. And he’s right — the deal would never have been made without him, because before he pulled the troops, there was no fire to cease.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

Quid Pro Quo or No?

Also Thursday, the acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney undercut Trump at a televised briefing, saying (and later denying) that the president had indeed held back aid to Ukraine to get it to carry out investigations that would help him politically. “Get over it,” Mulvaney said. “There’s going to be political influence in foreign policy.”

“And then Sarah Huckabee Sanders burst through the wall like Kool-Aid and took the podium back.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “O.K., hold up, hold up. Trump has said on multiple occasions: No quid pro quo of any kind. Now middle-aged Harry Potter is coming out saying that there was a certain type of quid pro quo, but everyone must get over it? That’s it, just get over it? Everybody does it? So this is, what, locker room corruption? Is that what this is?” — TREVOR NOAH “So all the bad stuff they’ve been saying the president didn’t do, now they’re saying he did it and he does it all the time? The defense has gone from ‘If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit’ to ‘Give me back my glove!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL “Trump’s attorneys were said to be ‘baffled’ by Mulvaney’s statement. One of his lawyers put out a statement. He wrote: ‘The legal team was not involved in the acting chief of staff’s press briefing.’ Of course not. They already have one idiot shooting his mouth off. They certainly didn’t authorize two.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Punchiest Punchlines (Golf Summit Edition)