There are currently more than 60 million participants on internet discussion boards, which makes "first post!" a little more impressive when you think about it.

When I think about that many people, I do that thing with my fingers that supervillains do in movies. You know, like you're praying, only you kind of tap the tips of your fingers together in slow progression? And you kind of smile-sneer? Snile, maybe?

Sixty million is a lot of people who are so desperate to have a voice that they feel the need to broadcast their opinions about people lip-syncing to Chumbawamba. That amount of impotent rage could power my cobra-venom–filled hot tub for a few hundred years. If only there were some way to harness it.

Well, I've learned a few things from the tea party, both the political one and the one in Alice in Wonderland. From the first, I learned that you can make people angrily shuffle in roughly the same direction if you appeal to their beliefs in poorly defined ways. From the second, I learned that England has some sort of substance called "treacle."

At any rate, I'd like to be the founder, head and High Imperial Pedagogue of my own political party. I'm happy to pretend to agree with anyone to accomplish this. When it comes to politics, believing in what you say is a considerable handicap.

Now to be fair, new political parties have had a hell of a time getting a foothold in the United States, but I've pinpointed the weakness of the nation's Naders and Perots: They try to appeal to people's convictions.

Suckers! People with convictions have already decided to abandon those convictions and vote for one of the two major parties, mostly to cancel out people with the opposite convictions.

But internet comment threads are home to many people who have only one apparent conviction: "Having convictions is stupid." They don't endorse musicians: They just point out which ones suck. They don't want to change the world other than getting people who want to change the world to shut up.

In short, they're not so much activists as inactivists. However, someone once said, "Inertia is the most powerful force in the universe," probably. By harnessing this strongly held indifference, I can create an army more powerful than a thousand sleepy Newfoundlands. And it starts with electing me to office.

Six Pillars of the Inactivist Party ———————————–

So here are the Six Pillars of the Inactivist Party, the founding principles by which my slacker lackeys will live, act and obey.

I. Never Do Anything Partway

If you're going to fix a problem, you have a duty to fix it completely. Conversely, if you're not going to fix it completely, you have a duty to do nothing. There's no point in trying to reduce poverty or increase access to health care. Unless you can make everyone rich and healthy all the time, it's best to just ignore the problems.

II. Seek the Middle Path

Extremists of any stripe are dangerous and – more importantly – annoying. History shows us that the wisest minds are those in the exact middle. For instance, in the fight for women's suffrage, it's now clear that those who felt women should be able to vote and those who felt women shouldn't be able to vote were both equally wrong.

III. Wisdom Comes From Within

We all come from different backgrounds, we all look different, but in the end everyone is the same: exactly like you, only not as smart. This means you don't have to waste time looking at things from anyone else's point of view. What would you do if you came from a background of desperate poverty and abuse? The same thing you do now: Complain about other people's YouTube videos. You certainly wouldn't whine about social justice or whatever.

IV. Some Things Are Eternal

All problems are the result of basic, brutal human nature. That's why nothing will ever change. Name one way that society has improved in the United States since 1810. You can't – there isn't one! So admit you can't change basic human nature, and try to get everyone else to admit it, too.

V. Don't Play Favorites

Fixing one problem isn't fair to all the other problems. If, for instance, we found a cure for cancer, that would just be a slap in the face to everyone with Parkinson's disease. Working for the basic human rights of any group of people is exactly like oppressing and exploiting everyone else. People who contribute time or money to causes are thieves, stealing from all other causes. Inaction is the only ethical approach.

VI. Make Your Voice Heard

Marching is for filthy hippies, writing your representatives is for toadies, and volunteerism is for college students seeking political-science credits. The only correct action is to complain about whatever bothers you, insistently and repeatedly, on internet message boards. And, as a member of the Inactivist Party, there is one main issue that you should focus on above all others: How society is filled with a bunch of whiners who never shut up.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to devote his life to apathy, anarchy and irony.

See Also:- Alt Text: A Short Course in Get-a-Life Science