Western Conference Power Rankings

1. Golden State Warriors

Stephen Curry — PG

Clearly, the Warriors are going to win the Finals this year. Right? I mean who could possibly stand a chance against the death meteor hurtling toward the earth as townspeople look into the sky and scream in horror? The Cavs? Maybe, but we’ve seen what the Warriors can do in a grudge match. The Spurs? Not without the moral strength of Tim Duncan. The Rockets? HAHAHAHA. The Dubs may have lost a lot of their bench, but in its place they swooped a great pick in Patrick McCaw. The guy looks like he could be a great replacement for Andre Iguodala in a few years, and seems to be an invaluable asset for this season. Honestly, the Warriors could go 82–0 if they wanted, but as we all know, there will always be upsets in basketball, especially if chemistry proves to be an issue.

2. San Antonio Spurs

Kawhi Leonard — SF

Timmy’s gone. The heart and soul of the Spurs went to the big Old Navy in the sky. But as much as we will all miss him, the Spurs had quite a successful offseason, signing the aging Pau Gasol to fill in and do all the things Tim did, along with veteran power forward David Lee. Meanwhile, Gregg Popovich is somehow still alive, which means the Spurs will be a tactical nightmare for any opponent they face. However, these guys are OLD. I swear they’re going to have to bring IV bags to practice just in case Manu starts coding. Nonetheless, they are the second-best team in the West, and always pose a threat. (Plus, Kawhi can smile now!)

3. Los Angeles Clippers

Chris Paul — PG

As a new NBA season dawns, there are many inquiries that make many fans uneasy. “Will our star get injured (again)?” “Will Russell Westbrook be the MVP out of spite for Durant?” “Will Chris Kaman finally build his log cabin in the redwood forests outside Portland?” Luckily we can all rest knowing one thing is certain. The Clippers will crash and burn come playoff time, after being very successful in the regular season. Just as they have always done, they will choke. They will choke hard. Peyton Manning-level choking. However, they still have uncertainties. This may be the year Chris Paul falls off. Blake Griffin or DeAndre Jordan may be traded if they want to reset a big three. But one thing remains true. Without a starting-tier small forward, these guys aren’t getting out of the second round.

4. Portland Trail Blazers

Damian Lillard — PG

Damian Lillard (Russell Westbrook Jr.) is an absolute powerhouse who has been snubbed so many times he oughta be ready to explode. The man may not be a stellar rapper, but the baby of the Hoopers can still play basketball like no other. Terry Stotts is a wonderful coach, and he’s picked up an ultra-athletic center in Festus Ezeli. Along with Festus, they’ve managed to acquire Evan Turner, who has a treasure trove of memorable quotes, and is the self-proclaimed Messiah of Midrange. And so long as C.J. McCollum continues to grow, the Blazers should be a force to be reckoned with come playoff season.

5. Houston Rockets

James Harden — PG/SG

By moving James Harden to point guard to fit Eric Gordon into the lineup, Mike D’Antoni has finally removed all signs of defense from the Rockets’ starting lineup. Patrick Beverly, though his scoring ability was subpar, was arguably the best defensive point guard in the league. He was a nonstop defensive anchor, which the Rockets really needed considering James Harden’s defensive… impairment. Clint Capela is also an x-factor, when you consider the departure of Dwight Howard. If he can step up and become the new defensive spotlight in Houston, then perhaps they can get over the hump this year.

6. Dallas Mavericks

Dirk Nowitzki — PF

The Dallas Mavericks’ season will hinge on one man. Harrison Barnes. It is very important that Barnes bounce back from his horrendous Finals performance. Up until then he was damn near the best corner three shooter in the NBA, but he just had a total collapse against the Cavaliers, shooting just 2 of 22 in games 5 and 6. If he fits in well with Dallas, which will be made easier by their acquisition of Andrew Bogut, then they could have a great run into the postseason. On the other hand, if he fails in Dallas, Mark Cuban will be out for blood.

7. Oklahoma City Thunder

Russell Westbrook — PG

Can you feel it coming? Can you hear the shrill raptor-like screech emanating from Oklahoma? Can you taste the disdain in the air when the name Kevin Durant is mentioned? Russell Westbrook is finally all on his own, and he seems determined to win in spite of KD leaving. “Sting for who?” “Some run.” “That’s cute.” If pettiness was a virtue, Russell Westbrook would be a saint. Russell, along with his sidekicks Blackbeard and Dancing Queen, will be a force to be reckoned with, and personally, I could see Russy putting up Oscar Robertson numbers. However, only time will tell if he can do that, or even make the playoffs.

8. Memphis Grizzlies

Mike Conley — PG

Star point guard Mike “Bankroll” Conley will be hard pressed to live up to his ludicrous contract this year. This summer, the 9-year veteran signed a huge 5-year, $153 million contract after spending most of last season on the disabled list. Along with fellow glass-man Marc Gasol, the Grizzlies will likely have trouble staying healthy as they try to battle into the playoffs like last year. Hopefully Zach Randolph’s age doesn’t catch up with him too quickly, otherwise Memphis will be overpaying a semi-star while he leads a bubble team year after year.

9. Utah Jazz

Gordon Hayward — SF

The voices in the back of the class aren’t wrong. Gordon Hayward IS in his prime. But this guy’s prime is not going to be the savior of an entire franchise. Derrick Favors could perhaps lead the Jazz to greatness, but Hayward is a catch-and-shoot forward, not a game-changing superstar. However, if Utah’s backcourt finally develops this year, they could become a force to be reckoned with and finally break out of the bubble into becoming a veritable playoff contender.

10. Minnesota Timberwolves

Andrew Wiggins — SF

The Minnesota Timberwolves are, in essence, the 76ers gone right. A team that’s been rolling in the draft picks and having minimal injuries, they have developed beautifully into a young power team. Karl-Anthony Towns is already a star, who can defend just about any position on the floor. Andrew Wiggins is also turning into a wonderful forward who can put up points when they need them, as well as being able to throw down some insanely athletic dunks. With the addition of Kris Dunn, the Timberwolves will likely keep improving until they eventually reach playoff status.

11. Sacramento Kings

DeMarcus Cousins — C

This year we once again ask the essential question; will DeMarcus Cousins be able to control his emotions? The man has unbelievable talent, but the prospect of him throwing a temper tantrum on the court is always in question. With an aging Rudy Gay as his only real backup, and a troublemaker Ty Lawson, the Kings look like they’re set to fail underneath the new look. It may be time to expand the new look further by finally removing Cousins from the roster, and put some stock in Willie Cauley-Stein. Hold fast Kings fans, this could be a long winter.

12. New Orleans Pelicans

Anthony Davis — PF/C

Oh Anthony Davis, how we pity thee. You, my friend, are stuck with a front office incapable of building a team around you, and you are too good to let your team tank for picks. Hopefully Buddy Hield can lift New Orleans to a new high, but that may be a bit of a stretch to ask a rookie to turn a franchise around. Jrue Holiday has never been the same since he fell off a few years ago, and Tyreke Evans, as we all know, never lived up to his massive potential. If the Pelicans are going to be successful this year, every single player will have to step up, otherwise it’ll be another season of misery for New Orleans.

13. Denver Nuggets

Kenneth Faried — PF

The Nuggets are still riding on the momentum of the team that made the playoffs in 2013, when they still had Iguodala and were under the leadership of George Karl. Kenneth Faried, meanwhile, is being drowned in a sea of expectations that he really can’t fulfill (unless the Nuggets want an Uber driver, in which case he is doing very well). Denver also claims that Emmanuel Mudiay is the second coming, but statwise isn’t all that great, with a PER of just 9.9 in his rookie season. More than anything, Denver needs picks, badly. Sorry Nuggets fans, but this will not be your year.

14. Phoenix Suns

Eric Bledsoe — PG

This summer, the Suns lost a future star in Brandon Knight. And although he was a human anti-highlight reel, he could still hang with the best of them. Eric Bledsoe will (probably) sustain an injury or two this year, and Devin Booker is not quite ready to lead. Plus, the Suns’ lack of a frontcourt makes them easy pickings for teams that can bang around down low. The only saving grace I see is that they have a guy name Dragan, so perhaps they have the Khaleesi’s blessing. However, not even Daenerys could stand a chance against the whole Western Conference.

15. Los Angeles Lakers

Nick Young — SF

The greatest player of a generation has officially called it quits. Kobe is finally gone, along with the Lakers’ hopes of actually being good. The best player on your team is also the most hated, your rookies are not progressing nearly as fast as you’d like, and a player you’re going to put out there in crunch time is NICK YOUNG. The Lakers will be competing for the worst record, and let’s all hope that they can find a way to bounce back soon. (Or not.)