Here we are three days in advance of THE morning after THE night before.

We're talking, of course, about New Year's Day and the post-partying depression in the aftermath of New Year's Eve.

To prepare ourselves, we're typing this v-e-r-y q-u-i-e-t-l-y as we study hangover remedies. Hangovers are a fact of life for those who imbibe. What causes a hangover? Well, the obvious answer is that veisalgia -- the clinical name for "Crud, why did I drink so much?" -- is the body's reaction to being poisoned by alcohol, which screws up neurotransmitters in your brain and, well, makes you visit the bathroom a lot.

The last is a big problem -- not that the former is good. If your brain isn't talking to your extremities, things like rumbling, stumbling and fumbling are known to occur. But spending enough time in the loo to qualify for a homestead exemption is a dead giveaway of dehydration.

Most of the ill effects of a hangover -- the headache, the lethargy, the nausea and sensitivity to light and noise -- stem from that.

That's why most doctors agree the best treatment for a morning-after banger is rehydration, coupled with the only known true cure: time. Does drinking water help?

Actually, the best treatment for a hangover is to avoid getting one in the first place, said Dr. Mary Klein, a partner in Comprehensive Family Care in Brook Park. But hydrating yourself can at least lessen the impact of overindulgence, she said.

Water is the best solution -- literally and figuratively. Sports drinks like Gatorade, Powerade and their competitors also replace missing electrolytes and aid in replacing some of the sugars lost when alcohol is metabolized, Klein said. But not much beats good ol' H-2-O. The main bonus of sports drinks, according to several Web sites, is their flavor; water tends to be pretty bland. Sports drinks usually have a sweet-tart taste combination that makes you more likely to drink enough to rehydrate your system.

But what of all those magic cures? The fried egg? The raw egg? The coffee? The cold shower? Pasta before passing out? Snarfing down a Tylenol before the Sandman comes? A wake-up romp with the dog that bit ya?

No good, said Klein.

For food to become an effective preventative, it has to be in your system before you start drinking, Klein said. And that Bloody Mary only delays the inevitable hangover to come.

Can you choose your poison more wisely?

Does what you drink affect how bad you'll feel in the moanin'?

Well, yes and no. The adage may be, "Beer before liquor, never sicker," with its corollary, "Liquor before beer, never fear," but the reality is closer to, "You booze, you lose." Both have the same chemical effects on the body. Beer's saving grace is that it takes 12 ounces of suds to equal one shot (1.5 ounces) of liquor. Most people -- and notice we didn't say all people -- can't drink a beer as quickly as they can a Captain and Coke, which means you don't have time to drink as much beer before last call.

Oh, and don't go kidding yourself that a cocktail with diet soda as the wash is better for you. According to the Web site womenwebmd.com, "the fewer calories in the drink, the more quickly it empties from your stomach. Blood initially passes through the liver, where some of the alcohol is filtered out. But faster emptying saturates the liver, so more alcohol ultimately makes it into your bloodstream."

Not even aspirin helps? Coffee?

While we're on the liver, let's tackle that Tylenol thing. Acetaminophen is the active ingredient in Tylenol. When you've been drinking, your liver is busy metabolizing the booze, so it processes the compounds in acetaminophen differently. In an unsober you, those compounds can become toxic and lead to liver inflammation and permanent damage, according to Klein and several Web sites.

Ibuprofen and aspirin will work, but you need to take it in the morning. Some experts say the best thing to do is to wake up, pop a couple, then go back to bed for an hour. You'll feel horrible when you get up to take the meds, but a little better when you wake up for good.

Coffee? Not so good. It's a diuretic, which means it makes you tinkle. Which, as we've already discussed, leads to more of the dehydration that's behind all those troubles.

Alternating water and a drink is a good idea, first because every glass of water is one less glass of booze going down your gullet, and second because it helps dilute the effects of the alcohol by at least curbing that dehydration thing. Klein suggested a 1-to-1 ratio works well: one full glass of water to one drink or beer.

The final 'cure'

Oh, and those "miracle cures" you see hyped on the tube during every party season? Klein and others said there's been no clinical evidence to show they work. One Web site pointed out that caffeine is a major ingredient in most of them, which means you're still drunk with the accompanying slow reaction times, but you're an awake drunk with the accompanying slow reaction times.

Klein also said that imbibers need to be aware that alcohol is a poison. Many of us brag about not being ill, but the reality is that worshipping the porcelain god isn't necessarily a bad thing, she said. Vomiting is the body's way of telling you there's too much alcohol in your system.

So if you don't have enough self-control to lessen your intake, Mr. Queasy can do it for you.