Friday

Sydney v Collingwood (SCG) 7.50pm all time AEST

There was once a time when Eddie could sheet home all Collingwood’s woes to the Swans. Sydney got wise to it though and decided to stop winning, cleverly negating Eddie’s attacks.

It’s probably not a sustainable strategy. Sources tell me that Swans fans are keen to give winning a go again.

With the Swans no longer able to be blamed for things, a bit of blamestorming was done and it was decided Nathan Buckley should be the focus of everyone’s attention.

It seems some people think Buckley can’t coach. A tough call considering we’ve only had five full seasons to judge him on.

As someone who doesn’t barrack for Collingwood, I say give the guy time to prove himself. Another five years of this at least.

To blame it all on Buckley is unfair anyway; it’s been a real team effort on and off the field, to be this bad.

Bad is too harsh, Collingwood are worse than that, they’re only OK. That’s the worst place to be in the AFL. You don’t play finals, and you don’t get the best draft picks.

Instead, Collingwood are just background noise, the Maroon 5 of the AFL, popular but beige.

This is Buddy Franklin’s 250th game, and he’s been a huge success in Sydney, once they taught him which side of the road they drove on up there.

There’s nothing like watching Franklin in full flight. He plays the game like everyone dreamt they could as kids.

Sydney would want to win this. A loss here and we can officially put them in the CRISIS zone. They should be fine though.

Saturday

North Melbourne v Greater Western Sydney (BA) 1.45pm

The Giants got back to normal programming last week against the Gold Coast, and now they play North Melbourne in the Josh Kelly Cup.

North have apparently offered Josh Kelly a nine-year $9 million contract. Now the source of that claim is Brian Waldron, and as we all known, good old Brian is a wiz with numbers.

If he says, it’s $9 million, who knows how much more it is? It’s probably at least a couple of home renos; some pretend jobs for Josh’s family and a boat too.

Remember when the Melbourne Storm, under Brian’s watch, slipped a player a $20,000 gift voucher for a major retailer?

Imagine going into Kmart with a $20,000 gift card.

“I’ll just have one of everything thanks.”

Greater Western Sydney say they’re confident Josh will stay, but they’re hardly going to say anything else.

If the deal is even close to that, you’d expect Kelly to take it. I mean, it’s in the ‘an offer he can’t refuse’ range.

If he doesn’t, you’d have to wonder what it would take to get anyone to go to the Kangaroos. Or perhaps I’m understating the charms of the City of Parramatta.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right, Giants to win this.

Richmond v West Coast (MCG) 2.10pm

Now the tipping gets hard. Here we have two undefeated teams but if you’ve seen them play that seems like false advertising.

Richmond may be 2-0 but last week’s win was based a lot on Collingwood’s ability to find ways to lose.

Anyone that saw that game would take the Tiger’s undefeated start with a grain of salt. Perhaps a grain from each of the three types of salts available at the footy this year (which is a big part of what’s wrong with the world).

The Eagles weren’t much better last week against the Saints, and if St Kilda had kicked straight, they would have lost.

The real question therefore is, who is the least bad team?

That’s right; it’s Richmond. Eagles to win this.

Geelong v Melbourne (ES) 4.35pm

The thugs from Melbourne take on Patrick Dangerfield and Joel Selwood at Geelong’s traditional home, Etihad Stadium. Seriously, why is this game here? Last I checked, a lot of money had been poured into the Cats’ home ground, and Melbourne has a half decent stadium in the MCG.

I suppose trying to apply logic and reason to the world of AFL is why I’m slowly going mad.

Last round, Geelong gave three-quarters of not relying on their two superstars before deciding that winning is more important.

Apparently, they’re getting Gary Ablett back from the Gold Coast, and if I’m reading the media right, it could happen this week. Which is strange because there’s no mid-season trading and he has a contract even for next year.

A lot of people like the idea of Gary returning to Geelong and I couldn’t agree more.

It’s like getting back together with someone who left you for someone else, only they tired of them and are coming back now that they’re old and on a paleo diet. The romance is undeniable.

Melbourne struggled against Carlton last week before beating them into submission. As a result, they’ll be without both Jesse Hogan and Jordan Lewis.

Lewis’ thuggish behaviour at Hawthorn was a blight on the game, but now he’s at my team, I believe these things happen in the heat of the moment, and it doesn’t stop you from being a top bloke.

It was fair enough the tribunal threw the book at him. The club came down on him hard too, with his match payment to be donated to the private school of his choice.

The youth of Melbourne make them inconsistent, and without Hogan and Lewis, they should struggle against the Cats.

Port Adelaide v Adelaide (AO) 7.40pm

Pardon? I’m having trouble hearing you because I’m imagining how loud it’s going to be at Adelaide Oval on Saturday night and how many times Channel Seven will tell us that.

I guess there’s a good reason for it to be loud this time, as it is first taking on second.

For the first year after Adelaide Oval’s redevelopment, South Australians were just cheering because a new piece of infrastructure had been built in their state.

Port Adelaide are either genuinely improved, or we’re about to find out it’s all been a bit of a fluke.

Getting Paddy Ryder back seems to have been a big difference, and we may also be witnessing the rare phenomena of a playing group working hard not to get their coach sacked.

Port last week made Fremantle look ordinary, but that’s mainly because Fremantle are ordinary. More impressive was the first win against the Swans in Sydney.

The Crows’ success is more expected than Port’s. They were good last year, and all their players have progressed in the offseason.

It’s almost like Don Pyke knows what he’s doing, a rare trait in an AFL coach.

Is it possible that all the Crows fans, who bitterly said they’d be better off without Patrick Dangerfield were right?

I do like it when you can be both bitter and right, one of life’s great feelings, better than love if you ask me.

Crows to win.

Fremantle v Western Bulldogs (DS) 7.40pm

The Dockers have thrown their lot in with Ross Lyon, hoping he can recapture some of that form that almost won premierships.

It certainly doesn’t seem to be going to plan, and the more a club talks about their five-year plan, the more I worry.

I recognise procrastination when I see it. Next time someone asks you when you’re going to do something say:

“These things take time, and they’ll be some pain along the way, but I’m confident I can achieve it by 2020.”

Even if the response will be:

“I just asked you if you were going to put your cup in the dishwasher.”

Currently, Fremantle players aren’t even trying. Getting better players is a nice aim, but when your existing players have the intensity of lettuce, it makes you wonder if you’d just be pouring water into a leaky bucket.

Lyon promised heads would roll after the loss against Port, but unfortunately, he was talking about players. I like when coach say things like this, as if they have some better players hidden away.

“I wasn’t going to show these to you but here are some much better players I had all along!”

The Bulldogs haven’t played well this year but have found ways to still win. It’s a sign of a great side.

If the Doggies can get above 60 points, they should be able to win this. Which they should be able to do in the first half (OK quarter).

Sunday

St Kilda v Brisbane (ES) 1.10pm

St Kilda did everything right last week except kick straight for goal, which made the game a form of torture for Saints fans.

Luckily, Saints fans are battle hardened veterans when it comes to team administered torture.

St Kilda have got off to a Mark Webber-esque start to the season, and they really need to get moving here.

At the start of the season, this would have been chalked up as an easy win, but Brisbane have a coach the players don’t hate, and it’s making a difference.

In fact, so good has the turnaround been at the Lions that I fully intend to learn the names of a few of their players over the next few weeks. Is Clark Keating still playing for them?

Saint won’t lose this though. The Melbourne loss was the wake-up call, and the West Coast loss was just the alarm going off again after they hit snooze.

Carlton v Essendon (MCG) 3.20pm

One of the enjoyable things in the AFL recently is these ‘powerhouse’ Melbourne teams have been dormant for a long time.

It’s made it very easy to go to work in Victoria, especially when you add Collingwood’s recent averageness.

Sure, Carlton fans will still mention winning a lot of premierships but I know that look in their eyes, it’s the look of desperation and pain.

The idea that either of them are on the way back is a thing of nightmares. Younger readers would struggle to remember a time Carlton were once feared and won premierships.

Like talk of dragons, it seems like a fanciful tale made up by us old timers. But it wasn’t; I was there, and it was real, and it was awful.

Luckily, Carlton doesn't appear to be threatening to return to relevancy in any hurry.

Essendon, on the other hand, are doing enough to cause other fans to make nervous glances at each other.

A Bombers’ premiership, so soon after the recent unpleasantness, would cause a lot of angst.

I’ve done some rough calculations to work out how many years would need to pass before a Bombers’ premiership would be not seen as too soon.

The answer is a range from 286 years to never.

It is only round two, so let’s not panic too much, but it might be worth thinking about moving somewhere that doesn’t report AFL news if it happens. So, Western Sydney.

Essendon to win this.

Gold Coast v Hawthorn (MS) 4.40pm

Like most people, Gary Ablett is desperate to live in Geelong, but he has the problem of a million-dollar contract.

Oh, how I wish I had problems that involved me having a million-dollar contract.

“Help! I’m stuck in a million-dollar contract from which I can’t get out! Would someone with the relevant legal expertise help me?”

I do realise that if living on the Gold Coast is a requirement of such a contract, it’s probably better to be poor.

This will be the return of Jaeger O'Meara to the team he left to, wait for it, chase a premiership.

Unfortunately, as he was coming in, a bunch of good players were coming out, which must have been unnerving, like entering a burning building.

Imagine thinking you’ll be playing with Sam Mitchell, and on your first day, Ty Vickery welcomes you.

Hawthorn’s biggest problem is they keep recruiting players from Melbourne and Richmond.

The flaw in that strategy is you risk becoming Melbourne or Richmond or worse, some weird Melbourne-Richmond hybrid that unleashes waves of generational disappointment on people.

Anyway, Hawks to win this.

Sydney people, I'm coming to Sydney to do a show on, Friday, April 21st at The Comedy Store. Tickets are now on sale and available here: http://www.comedystore.com.au/index.php?option=com_eventlist&view=details&id=414

Other dates for other cities to be announced soon.

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