PARKLAND, FL — After the Valentine’s Day Massacre at Stoneman Douglas High School, much of the country looked forward to the post-tragedy camaraderie that arises in the wake of bloodshed and senseless attacks. But, widespread student protests arguing for enhanced gun regulations have put a damper on everyone’s solemn bonding.

“It’s normally a beautiful time,” says Susan Richards, Parkland native and gourmet cupcake chef. “People join together and comfort one another. They put aside their differences to shake their heads and talk about how tragic the events were. I look forward to this time almost every year. But the kids completely ruined that for me by politicizing the shooting.”

“How selfish are these kids?” asks local diner operator, Mick Rivers, “15 of their friends get killed, only 15, and they get all up in arms, no pun intended. My uncle served in WW2. Never heard him acting like a victim! What this generation doesn’t understand is that it’s not all about them. Shootings happen all the time, but they want to get all upset now that it gets personal? A couple deaths a year for the 2nd Amendment? That’s just the cost of freedom. This country’s sacrificed much more, believe me. Like I said, my uncle served in WW2.”

“Do you want us to give up drugs because a few bad apples O.D.’d?” asked Davis Wendall, a local progressive activist who recently started identifying as a libertarian, “What’s next? Giving up prostitution because a couple of trouble-makers murder the occasional hooker? Freedom isn’t free man!”

In response to the community backlash, Jane Dawson, student and witness to the shooting, says, “We don’t want to take anyone’s guns away. We just want to be able to go to class and not worry about getting shot. My friends died. They were killed by a psychopath with guns, not just a psychopath. I don’t understand why no one is helping us or doing anything. Doesn’t anybody care?”

“Wah, wah, wah. I didn’t wake up this morning to listen to a bunch of children whine about the cost of liberty,” says Dirk Caverly, gym teacher at Stoneman Douglas. “I was there. I know what went down. You think these kids would recognize the importance of self defense. I’ve seen what they are capable of in physical situations, believe me, not much! No wonder they are scared. I understand fear. Fear drives us all. But the solution is self-defense, not cowering. You have to dodge the ball, not make balls illegal.”

Stoneman Douglas’ French Teacher, Kolette Bernhard, has a different take, “These children are extremely brave. They want to live in a peaceful world and are taking necessary steps that European countries took long ago, solutions which have worked wonders in those countries.”

In response to Bernhard, Caverly says, “French teacher said that huh? Well, I’m not surprised she wants to surrender. Not the first time we’ve seen a French person in hasty retreat.”

“I just hope we can all move past this, come together, and rebuild a better and stronger America,” says Susan Richards. “It’d be a shame to lose out on the communal aspects of this tragedy. Then these children really died for nothing.”