My sister is beautiful, talented, funny, and successful, and she is wasting her time with this deadbeat. I know that she’s going to do what she’s going to do, but I don’t know how to handle it.

Stacey

Dear Stacey,

You obviously love your sister and care deeply about her well-being, so I can imagine the pain you are experiencing as you watch her stay in a relationship that you feel isn’t worthy of her. But the best thing you can do for your sister is accept that the choices she makes as an adult are hers and hers alone, and then continue to love and support her unconditionally. (One caveat: If you think the relationship has crossed the line and is abusive, not merely dysfunctional, that is something to seek professional help in resolving.)

Let me be clear that supporting her unconditionally doesn’t mean endorsing her choices. What it does mean is that instead of shunning her and her boyfriend and trying to persuade her to do what you’d like, you focus your energy on listening to her with an open mind. Not only will listening this way allow you to have more compassion for the dilemma she likely finds herself in, but it will also give her the space to hear herself better—no matter what she decides to do.

What you’ll discover when you listen is that inside your sister is a voice that sounds very much like yours. It might be quiet, a mere whisper amid the noise, but it’s there. This voice is what made her receptive to changing her mind about having her boyfriend move in with her. But since we can’t hear others’ inner voices, often when we see someone we care about doing something that seems harmful, we feel the need to say that this person is making a horrible mistake—as if she doesn’t already know this on some level.

Your sister is aware of her boyfriend’s negative qualities (after all, she told you about them), but she also feels some positive connection with him, and on top of that, she’s in her late 30s and she may want to have children. So along with that quiet voice is a louder, panicky one that’s hogging all the attention. Shhh! this voice insists whenever the quieter voice tries to assert itself. This louder voice then convinces your sister that she’ll have an easier time dealing with what’s in front of her—the good and the bad qualities of this man she’s attracted to—than with the loneliness and uncertainty that would result if she let her boyfriend go.

We all have these dueling voices within us that represent a part of us that wants something and another part that goes against the thing we want. Whenever we experience ambivalence, there’s a voice that cheers us on (You deserve better!) and one that holds us back (But you’re almost 40!). You’ve become the representative of the quiet voice inside that she can’t always hear, but instead of amplifying the quiet voice, you’re making it go silent. If you’re doing the talking, that voice doesn’t have to say a word.