DALLAS—Responding to increased media attention in the wake of allegations of improper, hostile conduct within the Miami Dolphins organization, several NFL players across the league today expressed concerns that the heightened scrutiny could potentially disrupt professional football’s vibrant locker room BDSM culture. “There’s a very delicate team dynamic that exists in the locker room when we all strap on our restraints and engage in hardcore bondage play, and it needs to stay out of the public eye,” a harness-clad DeMarcus Ware told reporters through the unzipped mouth slot of his leather face mask, saying that the presence of reporters and photographers would throw off the natural environment of submission, discipline, nipple torture, and sexually charged abuse that currently thrives in all 32 NFL locker rooms. “After the game ends and we return to the locker room to hook ourselves up to the ceiling, the absolute last thing we need is some nosy journalist hanging around watching us drip hot candle wax on each other’s moaning bodies. That’s just how this sport has always been, and the media needs to respect that and keep their distance.” Ware added that any journalists attempting to access the locker room while the players are participating in their usual sadomasochistic activities would have to be taught a lesson.

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