FREEZING Britons expect the newly-Arctic UK to lead to a spate of compelling crime-based television.

As the country becomes Scandinavian, hopes are also high for an increase in Eurovision points and more tall, athletic blonde people.

Scandinologist Wayne Hayes said: By this time next year the average Wetherspoons will be full of lusty wenches and hairy warriors telling tall tales of cracking their enemies’ skulls. The only difference will be the number of healthy teeth they all have.

Also everyones skin will now look ruddier and healthier than the contents of an ashtray.

Police shows are expected to see the biggest improvement, with the new series of Midsomer Murders scheduled for 12 episodes of gritty but elegant drama in the bleak tundra of Causton.

The shows usual mix of faint comedy and soporific plot lines will also be revamped, with Chief Inspector Barnaby replaced by Tilda Swinton being emotionally distant while wearing a parka that obscures 80 percent of her face.

The change in climate will also see Britain’s world-renowned comedy replaced by Scandinavian-style lavatory humour with the BBC commissioning eight series of the new sitcom Mrs Bjørnebye’s Boys.

Hayes added: Suicide and pickled fish may not be to everyone’s taste but at least we won’t have to go to barbecues full of twats.”