5. Newcastle is a really nice city. They've done it up.

4. He was the only one who had a Lynx Bullet. I was really impressed.

3. You don't take a girl into the woods unless you're up to no good.

2. Have you seen the Cornish flag? It's ridiculous.

1. When his mum died, he sang a little song for her.

5. You remember Janice? Used to call her daughter Norman, as in Bates. Well, now the daughter's a bit psycho. I blame the mother.

4. I feel sorry for the husbands of the women leaders. They have to mince around with the girls all day.

3. Oh no, it's alright! Just didn't want to say 'I love you' out loud in the tube!

2. Jack, you've got a bit of tin foil on your arse.

1. It was surprisingly quiet in town. I think everyone was a bit disappointed by the lack of action.

5. It's not a conspiracy. It's too stupid for that.

4. You probably shouldn't take more than five aspirin at a time.

3. No shame in your game. All the normal folks have got to humble themselves.

2. Mummy! I want to do my sit ups!

1. Did you see Britney Spears in the paper this morning? I thought it was Vanessa Feltz. They could be sisters.

5. Did you see the Man Utd result? Ha ha ha...

4. I always end up in the seat where you can't see your reflection. I get paranoid about my hair.

3. I think it's Tanya Donnelly, who was in Belly.

2. What do you like doing at weekends? Do you do the crosswords?

1. It smells like elephants down here.

5. My phone's ringing. It's probably a paedophile alert.

4. The 'spot the difference' is always the same. They raise their skirts and lower their collars.

3. And we met some gay guys, and they said that we were female versions of them.

2. Rihanna. Tsk. She better watch what she says about Chris Brown.

1. She's got hair like in a music video. Curly and wavy. You know what I mean.

5. It's absolutely stupid that you can only get two prams on a bus at the same time. This is the 21st century!

4. Then it exploded and there was sick everywhere!

3. This is Suzanne. It's her birthday today.

2. They found this grave, yeah. And it's really old and it's got Jesus's name written on it.

1. I never do my bedding in a drier. I put it on the line.

5. It's ok to put lemon juice on salmon.

4. I feel sorry for people who don't have flatscreen tellies.

3. Every shoe shop I went into, I was followed by four Turkish guys shouting at each other.

2. Stephen Fry's the man. He does it all day long. I don't know how he manages it, but he does.

1. You know how you tell when Sophie's at a party? When she's not on effing facebook.

5. That was before I could drive, so I didn't really understand roads.

4. Lidl in Paris do real special offers... huge TVs for peanuts. What does our Lidl sell? cheap compost and nylon pants.

3. Fifteen minutes! The next Circle Line train will be along in fifteen minutes!

2. Shire horses are just normal horses that have been fed loads of wagon wheels!

1. What am I gonna do with 200 metres of dental floss?

5. It's no good. The loo's got a skylight, so people can look at you when you're doing a jobbie.

4. My spell checker is rubbish. I was trying to order a bag of Wotsits and ended up with a Wetsuit.

3. In Russia it snows every day and they still manage to run a country.

2. This is no time for speaking in tongues.

1. Here I am, transcending reality, and what are you doing?

5. Crime and Punishment and The Idiot were his two books, weren't they?

4. It's mocktails for me from now on.

3. He came to England in the 1600s and ended up as a clergyman, strangely enough.

2. Ian's asked everyone who's ever slept with him to phone him. So he can't even be bothered to phone them ?

1. It's probably your left ventricle... I get all my knowledge from Gray's Anatomy.

5. But then again, I don't tend to drink my beer in the toilets

4. I go where I want. I am the Magasihi.

2. You like these trousers? Thanks! They're Vernon Kay's...

1. He can't have shaved down there in all his 40 years, I've re-named him "Tim Nice But Needs A Trim".

5. ...And you were in the shower...Again! That's all you do - wash and breastfeed.

4. You have a poncho? I have a poncho too! High Five!

3. Of course he's Spanish. Have you not looked at his hair? He has a mini-mullet. Just little fronds at the back of his head.

2. Have you seen the busker with the mouth organ at Oxford Circus? He really spazzed out.

1. How do you know that you're only 17?

5. I was watching this old film, and I suddenly realised where they got the idea for Mr Burns in The Simpsons.

4. What would you rather save? The whales? Or the banks?

3. Hello! Excuse me! I'm wedged in here.

2. How come Top Shop have their own radio station?

5. If you hold a door open for a woman, she'll only take advantage.

4. It's a fix! In the ads they show flames coming out of the cinema screen... now way will that happen.

3. Why does everyone go to the Slug and Lettuce? They only have one telly.

2. I'm too old for that. I've already done all my rebellion and dressing up.

1. Yeah, she got banned from the supermarket for running around trying to see herself in the cctv cameras.

5. And what did he give himself for his 27th birthday... a tattoo of a transformer. Its not cool man, just not cool.

4. Do you know how much it costs to get a tree surgeon? You may as well just buy a new tree.

3. You use all them long words, right? What do they mean? What does "contemplating" mean?

2. Minor delays.... there is no such thing as a minor delay.

1. I know I shouldn't be gloating at a teen mum's expense but I just hate her so much.

10. No, I don't like rolls, too much bread in them.

8. I can't believe they banned from the shopping centre for life.

7. There were all these teenagers on the bus... hassidic jews. And one of them had never heard of Facebook.

6. I wasn't having sex, I was giving him a blowjob. Anway I don't fancy him now that I've sucked him off.

5. ...and talking of fat, sour-faced, miserable old cows.

4. We can't eat in that place! There's no mobile reception.

3. I'm looking forward to the Gavin and Tracy programme.

2. People whining about being ill over Christmas gives me the shits.

1. Can you believe they had a school trip to CERN to see the collider?

10. I'm gonna bash him up beforehand.

9. So if you have a mommy fish and a daddy fish, they might have little baby fishes!

8. The 134 is ok. It's quite safe. I'd avoid the 29 though.

7. It's not racist because chavs aren't a race.

6. I know this girl, yeah, and she went to the doctor and she's in those stirrups, yeah, and the doctor tells her to wipe her arse.

5. They're "Inspire" by New Look. That means that they're fat girl's trousers.

4. How can McDonalds sponsor The Olympics?

3. I'm begging you not to leave me. Don't make me beg.

2. Well, I thought a brooch would have made a nice Xmas present in a kind of retro, ironic sense, but she asked for the receipt. Bitch.

10. Where's the party? The party is in my mind.

9. That's the best busker I've ever seen and she was doing Steve Miller and it was actually really good.

8. What kind of monster tries to steal from Marks and Spencer?

7. I think she's the friend of a naval officer.

6. My doctor has a foreign name. I'm just sayin'...

5. Raaaa! Raaagh! I've got a sore throat. Me need Strepsils.

4. We've just been to the most exquisite puppet show.

3. It's time. It's time for you to let me go. Now run! Run into the light!

2. The banks are very good nowadays. As soon as they saw irregular payments they cancelled my account.

1. And this delightful young creature must be your daughter.

9. What's a bearded man got to do with checking your cervix? Aside from the fact that he looks like a cunt.

8. Let me off! Let me off! I'm bustin' for a piss!

7. JLS should win. They're the best singers.

6. Whilst I was waiting for this train, I saw six go by in the other direction. That's the Hammersmith and City line for you.

5. These are people who regularly go on holiday to Zurich.

4. He wanted me to go play golf. Like I'm some kind of poofta.

3. She had a heart attack at 54. Completely fucked up her work.

1. So let me get this straight? You're asking me out on a date so you can get to know my boyfriend.

9. I always mean to buy the organic stuff, but then I get to the supermarket and the normal stuff is soooo much cheaper.

8. He has more gin than hope these days.

7. I was sitting opposite this old gentleman who had a really hairy neck and red eyes.

6. Leona Lewis... yeah, she thinks she's sizziling, but she looks like an Afghan Hound.

4. That's the sweet smell of success.

3. Whatever you do, don't tell mum that you saw me.

2. We wont have time for dinner, so Ill pick up something in Tesco. Some Flumps or something.

1. I wanted to see your performance, but I was in an exam! Sir should have told me.

9. He cycles to work, but he doesnt have to sit in meetings wearing his leggings.

8. I know we can do it. But can we do it within the timescale?

7. Have you ever been to the Eden Project? I think its a bit overrated.

6. Horatio was wearing his sunglasses from season 2.

5. She has a very loose perm, like someone from 1987 who hasnt realised time has moved on.

4. They have loads of Westfields in Australia.

3. My boyfriend is so much younger than me. I'm nineteen and a half and he's only eighteen.

1. I saw a woman go into Woolworths and ask if they sell wine.

10. I had a royal flush. Like when the queen goes to the toilet.

9. I knew he was a bit different because of the way he tucks his shirt in.

8. Its not a scarf, its a pashmina.

7. Would you drink beer out of a Wellington boot? I wouldn't.

6. It wasn't even a book club, it was just two people who had never, ever met.

5. Gérard Depardieu? Yeah Gérard Depardieu. Who does he play? Asterix or Obelix?

4. I wouldn't call it a newspaper, it's the Daily Star.

2. You're never going to catch an alien dressed like that.

1. I don't want you to get into the habit of eating, ok?

10. You know what they say. The best laid plans... go to rat shit

9. Every single bloke in London now owns a stripy scarf.

8. I have to get my handicap down.

7. You remember that advert... he put all his money or red and it came out black?

6. Guess what i saw today?? Two dwarves! TWO OF THEM!!

5. His strides were so tight, he was the one with the camel toe!

4. These little banana sweets. They used to be soft. Now they're rock 'ard.

3. Oh, he got a real bargain! It was only 250k!

2. They had the most humungous bakewell tarts.

10. My timetable this week is art, art, art, art, design, art, art, art.

9. Another Friday, another punch-up outside The Slug and Lettuce.

8. I love the picture on the side of matches. You know, the man with his arm on fire.

7. Well, it's like the Olympics, isn't it? There's no prizes for coming second.

6. Not now. Mummy's got her period.

5. There's no point tidying if you've got a two-year-old.

4. David Bentley's got a chin as big as Jimmy Hill's.

3. It's a pyramid scheme. Like they have in Egypt.

2. He's buying a TV and it's not flatscreen. That makes no sense to me. It's like cutting off your nose.

1. I'm going to a lecture about the global economic crisis. Have you heard of it?

10. Do you want an extra strong mint? I've got one in my pocket.

9. It's crayfish and rocket. I'd prefer a BLT. I'd prefer a piece of raw meat.

8. I'm not saying Boris is good, but I was sick of Ken. What was he doing hanging out of Chavez? We don't need that.

7. Sam and Dave... like the singers?

5. Talk to someone else about it... I'm not a techie.

4. We spent the weekend hanging out in New Look.

3. I'd give it all up for a phone that made me breakfast.

2. Does this mean you want to finger me, twice?

1. Don't you get it? It's a tribute to Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes.

10. Why do they play classical music by the ticket office? Is it to put off the kids?

9. We need an information architect.

8. They've closed the Woolies in Wood Green. They're going to turn it into a theme park.

7. And the mice, what do they do? Where do they crap? Under your pillow?

6. Grayson Perry is quite handsome when he's not dressed as a Beano character.

5. Looks like you've been snortin' mate... all over your face!

4. That's what you get when you spend all your money at the Officer's Club.

3. Apparently boot-cut jeans are out of fashion. Since when?

2. Have you tried them? They're lovely. Like little fingers... little Madelaines...

1. It doesn't matter that I don't get on with my dad. I'll always be his daughter and she's got no right to say those things.

9. Ha ha ha! Perhaps you know me by my other name... Doctor Faustus!

7. It doesn't matter who wins the US elections. Nothing will change. It's a two-horse race and both horses are owned by the same people.

5. It's alright. We've only dropped 1%. No need for panic.

4. What would YOU consider a normal brain function?

2. It's so weird! The singer from Midnight Oil is now part of Australia's government.

1. Do you think I should turn ginger?

10. It's always special when someone leaves me a copy of The Sun instead of Metro.

9. This bloke started talking to me about how they are widening the M25. How boring is that?

8. When I walk past Planet Organic, I always make sure I shout some abuse.

7. You know Perry Mitchell from Eastenders? He goes to my pub. He's got a dog like that.

4. I kissed a girl, and I liked it. The taste of her Terry Pratchett.

3. If you need someone for Strictly, give me a bell.

2. But this was no ordinary Apache helicopter!

1. She's on tour with Judas Preist, doing the make-up.

9. I hate the way they call the airport London Luton. Since when has Luton been part of London?

8. I could feel the piss coming but I couldn't stop it.

7. Do you ever feel like you exist? I mean, look at my face, it's like a painted picture.

6. You want to come to John's birthday party tomorrow? We can drink beer and play video games!

5. I mean, it's a gym, not a men's toilet.

4. She likes Irish men, but that's alright, I suppose.

3. They put me in a bubble.

2. I had never seen Big Ben until about three weeks ago. There was a tourist taking pictures and I thought "What the fuck?"

1. Oh yes. Let's all laugh at George Bush... because that hasn't been done before, has it?

10. I'm using it as a bookmark.

9. Why is the sky so green?

7. Every day I look at my sunglasses and think, "No. Not today."

6. We went to the Francis Bacon exhibition. It's good but it's very depressing.

5. She's from Bolivia. It's part of America.

4. Jasper likes jumping out of windows, don't you?

3. It's all part of my magnificent philanthropy.

2. I've got a lot of respect for Hans Segers.

1. It makes no difference to me whether you talk or not.

10. We're here, we're queer, we don't like Germaine Greer.

9. You can't eat it... it's cocoa butter.

8. This is Japanese beef, yeah? And they feed the cows beer and massage them.

6. This is summer's last hurrah.

5. They're going to make a film of The Hobbit. Probably with midgets.

4. The best thing about grapes is grape juice.

3. Oh I hate Woolworths! It's so depressing!

1. I'm sick of painting by numbers. I want to create and not be the same. Why should I put blue in all the number 3s?

10. Didn't Nelly used to have a sticker on his face?

9. What happens at kids parties these days? Do they all have guns and bandanas?

8. I definately wouldn't go out with a man named Winston.

7. I've never been to Dagenham. I don't suppose I ever will. I don't feel ashamed about it.

6. Asians are good at the internet.

5. If I had a pound for every battery thrown at me...

4. He likes being Scottish, but he doesn't like being in Scotland.

3. You can't expect the future to unfold in a linear progression. There's always anomolies.

2. If you can unfold the bed, you're welcome to it.

1. I had to go to the hospital, I've got three kidneys.

10. You can't take upskirt photos anymore... the cameras make a beeping sound.

9. I just got stopped by a Frenchman asking me out on a date.

8. Why would someone from The Wire appear in a Guy Ritchie film?

7. Most football fans just sing the same songs, but they change the words.

6. Do you know where I can find The Houses of Parliament?

5. Hold your nose. There's a smell of death.

4. I don't know everything. I'm not Gandhi.

2. The thing with trams is that tourists keep getting run over, which is great.

1. You can't have a church without a steeple.

10. Nah, I'm between projects at the moment.

9. Elvis was born in Tupelo. I think that's where the band got their name from.

8. You shouldn't mistake self-loathing for real insight... unless you're drunk.

7. There was no ransom note attached. It's all very suspicious.

6. Ah! The very man I wanted to avoid.

5. Why do they employ people who you can't understand?

4. He's a gay South African. He's got plenty to worry about.

3. They send a film crew. They were probably from Estonian telly, but it still counts.

2. I've gotta stop. Last Christmas, the whole family was there, and I kept on sneaking off to see how Spurs were doing.

1. Those Coke glasses at McDonalds are certainly popular.

9. I swear I've seen more people drinking on the tube since the ban started.

8. Thirty grand for sitting down and occasionally pressing a button... not bad.

7. Olympic medals don't mean the stabbing stops, does it?

6. Grief. You don't know the meaning of the word.

5. I showered love on her... I really did...

4. There's always some Japanese tourist at Kings Cross, lugging a suitcase in front of me.

3. How many fucking wankers does it take to change a lightbulb? You. Just you.

1. And the courgettes, they go mad.

10. Why don't people ever talk on my daily route? Eeugh!

9. They're remaking Knight Rider, aren't they? Surely the end of the world is nigh.

8. This poor girl was literally covered in shit.

7. I was down Southend seafront at the weekend, everyone was Polish!

6. That's what you call a grandstand finish.

5. I'm just going to tell them I work well under pressure.

4. Who wants to smell like Britney Spears?

2. If colour had smell, man, thats the smell of brown!

1. Lunch? I don't even know what lunch is anymore.

10. Could you please stop singing?

9. He just keeps dragging his bum across the floor and I don't know what to do about it.

8. This is Anastasia, my partner in crime.

7. What does that prove? That God is a Rocker!

6. Malaysia? That's in Indonesia, isn't it?

5. They should make deodorant a compulsory part of tube travel. Sure could sponsor it. They'd make a fortune.

4. I haven't sat down on the tube for about three months.

2. We need a whore for the garden.

1. Actually, it's not illegal if the vodka is in a Coke bottle.

10. She won't talk to either of us, but she happy to take our money.

9. What's the worst medical procedure you've ever had?

8. Jason Bateman likes to walk his dog over my face.

7. How can I be racist? I'm half Italian!

6. I don't see how anyone can be offended by a piggy bank. No-one's asking anyone to eat it...

5. This little chav kid was sitting on the swings and spent about 20 minutes screaming at his mum to push him. Very council.

4. He is really full-on wooing her.

3. That, my friend, is why I'm a former copper and not a serving copper.

1. Obviously, their 5-star hotels aren't the same as our 5-star hotels.

10. A load of American girls got on, and they were all wearing Liverpool shirts.

8. Bebo seems to be quite popular with kids who want to shoot each other.

7. It's bloody outrageous. Not one Circle Line train is going beyond Edgware Road.

5. The guy in the Sugar Puffs advert is the same guy who plays Fate is the dating ads, isn't he?

4. It makes me so angry that I want to drive up the motorway in my Range Rover chucking food out of the window.

3. I don't really speak much Polish. All I can say is Polski Sklep.

2. That was the longest 10 minutes of my life.

10. Big Phil Scolari? I assumed it was ironic and he was really tiny. Like a midget.

8. We really enjoyed our time in Frome.

7. The W3 is diverted. Ferme Park Road is underwater.

6. I tried a public loo for the first time in ages. I paid 20p, went in, saw a load of shit and walked out.

4. The problem with working with kids is that you end up with nits.

3. I like my nose now. I've grown into it.

2. On the bus down Green Lanes I saw two muggings and some chav girl screaming her head off at a Sikh guy.

1. Who on earth ends sentences with "Cheery-bye"?

10. She eats frozen chips, straight from the freezer.

8. All that fuss about Jay-Z... I've seen loads of rappers at Glastonbury.

7. I had to ask him what a snaggle check was... fortunately he gave me the all clear.

5. When she turned up the dog went mental. That tells you something.

3. Cack-handed just means left-handed. It's Arabic or something.

2. Do you wanna go dancing Saturday? No! not clubbing! Dancing!'

1. And then we invaded Canada for no reason.

9. We're like two teas in a pod.

8. She's got a walk-in cupboard full of her dead boyfriends.

7. Who decides to become a proctologist?

6. Some guy has worked out where you have to stand on every platform so that when you get off the train you're by the exit.

5. And that's when you wonder how you managed with such a small fridge.

3. She's not really into food management.

2. Everyone's going to a hen night at G.A.Y. It's for a civil ceremony.

1. It's like Mad Max, only much more gorier.

10. Why is it that bin stories figure consistently in the world's news?

9. I'm off to Dubai next week. I can live like a rock star for eight pounds an hour.

8. If you don't get children, you just don't do it.

7. Some people get so angry. I don't think they realise they're making such a fuss in public.

6. Who is the person who makes the announcements? Is it someone famous?

5. I'm looking forward to watching Wimbledon and not seeing Tim Henman's parents in the crowd.

4. Half an eggshell is enough. Really.

3. I dunno, he did spend a lot of time accosting strangers with a pink ukelele

1. I'm going all freaky. I'm liking shit that I never thought I'd like.

10. I think they're pins, I mean - they're not needles...

9. Wait... I am sure Boris also banned making out on the tube.

8. All that press over Heath Ledger... and yet no-one seemed to notice when Brad Renfro died.

6. It's ok. It's too long and it's black and white and it's French and everyone dies at the end.

4. He keeps leaving notes on the fridge. Suicide notes.

3. I got out of a beige bed wearing a beige t-shirt and put on beige trousers. You know... got a bit lost in the wall.

2. A lot of people don't actually think that Hugo Chavez is a very nice person.

1. That Pythagoras doesnae exist. He's just a fucking theorem. Like Einstein. If Pythagoras exists, show me a fucking picture.

10. You can't copy and paste "in Portugal" for some reason.

8. We're going up to Kenwood for a picnic.

7. Have you seen that Zeitgeist film? It's about religion and finance.

6. Let me check on my GMTV time.

5. Is that the one without eyebrows?

4. Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Because you smell like birdseed.

3. Don't be stupid... Chinese food and Japanese food are the exact same thing.

2. The other day, about five years ago...

1. What could you possibly do with A-Levels in food technology and social care? She's not going to be a lawyer with that.

10. If you want to see a woman in a burkha, go to Primark on Oxford Street. It's full of them.

9. I always end up with short men.

8. He's not smoking anymore. He spends all his time chewing on one of those plastic cigarettes.

7. Hey bruv, is this the way to Kentish Town?

6. I got these... Giorgio Armani... five Euros they cost me.

5. Did you eat my lunch again?

4. I told you before... I'm not allowed to go into the Post Office anymore.

3. Okey dokey, I'll see you later after I've dumped my boyfriend.

2. Yeah, it's going ok. Except I fancy my boss. He's married, two kids.

1. Emos, Emus, they're all the same; pale looking grumpy birds dressed in black.

10. There was some line-dancing going on at the wedding, by the way.

9. Who does she think she is? You're underage! I don't give a fuck about your friends.

7. I like that Midsomer Murders. All the stars have been in it. And Jane Asher.

6. You've lost weight. You'll be too thin to get through the door.

5. Most of the unicycle hockey team came from Cambridge.

4. It was raining, except i wouldnt normally mind, but the gerbil was soaking.

3. Look at everyone, out and about, having fun. What fools.

2. The funny thing is though i keep waking up with odd socks on.

1. Have you let one off? Fuck bro, that stinks.

10. The problem with women is that they're just too wet.

9. Do they use the Black Sabbath song in the film?

8. I never understand why Jesus didn't use his superpowers to escape the Romans.

7. You are so obtuse!

6. My mum went on holiday and suddenly it's hot!

5. And then she said, Oh I'm going to Cannes. My friend Benicio will be there, y'know Benicio? The Actor!

4. Everyone knows you don't have sex on your wedding night anyway

3. Naughty boy! No babycino for you!

2. Oh my god, I've been drinking non-alcoholic beer!

1. I just absolutely can't support Australia when it comes to sport.

8th May 2008

1. Steve, Miquita and Alexa are all going. You know Steve don't you? Oh of course you do - the Welsh mafia.

2. My breast just went all the way down to the end of the tube.

3. I woke up and he was doing a headstand on my shoes.

4. Was this before or after the nose job?

5. Don't talk to him. He might stab you.

6. The first season is ok, but a bit formulaic. The second series is much more morally ambiguous and all the better for it.

7. The woman's muffin is calling and asking me to eat it.

8. She thinks that being famous is getting on Flashbox.

9. Shit. My phone is still in bed.