Fingering is, lest we forget, the art and science of sticking your fingers both in and around the surface area and innards of the vagina. Young bucks (and some does) errantly believe that fingering just involves shoving stuff in the vagina like it’s a duffel bag and you’re on your way to do your laundry at your parent’s house in college. Dont get me wrong, it can be that, but usually it isnt.

My friends, I hopped on Barstool Radio with my pals and I was asked to explain the different types of fingering. Now, cover your ears if you dont like things to get graphic, but I need to start from the beginning.

Like a game of Super Mario Brothers, there’s levels.

Level one: Fingering. Fellas, we are being tender in this moment. This is the romantic version. It’s stage one. You’re listening to a little music. You’re doing a little mild to moderate tongue kissin. You’re enjoying yourself and so is she.

She looks you deep in your eyes and asks to play that song that she loves so much. You played it on your first date just over three weeks ago at this point and now it’s basically your song. You guessed it. It’s Forever by Jessie and the Rippers.

Level 2: Finger Banging. Things are getting a little heavier at this point. You’ve got some wrist action going. You look like a regular Greg Maddux. You’ve got the curveball workin all over the clitoris. Knees are buckling all over the joint. She needs to take a step outta the batter’s box to get control of herself. Song change? You betcha.

Level 3: Finger fucking. Goodness, gracious. Things have really picked up. Everyone is in full-blown sex mode, but you’re not ready to completely give into your passions. You’re boned outta your mind. You’re pitching a tent like you’re ready to host the fucking circus in your pants. Talkin big top, folks. Trapeze dick. Whoa. Song change? You betcha.

Level 4: Finger Blasting. When you get to this point, buckle up. It’s about to get intense. You’re about to do things that make you feel dirty in the morning. This is the type of sexual experience where you know you wouldn’t do these things if you weren’t really horny. Your morals are lower than low and you’re girl is giving you this look. What are you supposed to do?

You act like you’re some professional wrestlers and you’re bouncing all over the place. You’re fingerin so hard that she ends up lookin you dead ass in your eyes like

That’s when you know it’s time to make one last song change, and it’s time to fuck. Condom time. What type? You guessed it. The French tickler. Incredible.

“Hey Kate, What Are The Different Types Of Hand Jobs?”

Chaps Note: This blog is by Zero Blog Thirty’s Kate.

Hi, I’m Kate, a vet Marine with a vajeen. Sometimes I help Chaps & Captain Cons out with stuff on the ZBT Podcast (NEW EP UP TODAY BTW) but right now I’m here to talk meat tuggin’.

My friends, I hopped on the Barstool App & heard Chaps explain the different types of fingering. And yes, if done correctly, receiving a solid clam jam is fun any time, especially at a 1pm baseball game.

“But Kate, what about HJs?” Glad you asked.

Hand Jobs are, lest we forget, the art and science of wrapping your hand around the shaft of a penis and moving it up and down. This is done until he makes a mess on your new couch (just kidding, my couch is old AF) or you move on to the blowie and/or banging portion of the evening. Young does (and some bucks) errantly believe that handies just involve grabbing a boner and workin’ it like a Shake Weight. Don’t get me wrong, it can be that, but usually it isn’t.

Much like The Legend of Zelda, there’s levels. (Also much like Legend of Zelda, this game is mostly played with nerds if you’re me.)

Level one: Indirect caress. Ladies, we’re being sexy and sweet in the moment. It’s stage one. Your hand is a pirate ship on the search for treasure but it’s not booty you’re after (yet!!!), it’s boner. Shiver me timbers, there it is. He’s wearing a sturdy pair of Wranglers but you can tell he’s stiffer than a canon & the balls are ready on deck, longing for you to make them explode.

He looks deep into your eyes and asks you to play that song that he loves so much. It played in the Applebees you went to on your first date, and then again in the car when he was dropping you off and now it’s basically your song. You guessed it. It’s Love A Little More by Jesse and the Rippers.

Level 2: Direct caress. Things are getting a little heavier at this point. Jeans are unzipped and your hand is inside his Old Navy boxers, the silly ones with the sharks wearing sunglasses.

You know those little skull massagers you can buy at Five Below?

That’s what your fingers are doing to the tip. Your touch? Gentler than a monarch butterfly wing grazing a whisp of silk hanging out on the clothesline in a soft breeze. He has gone INSANE from the teasing. Time for a song change? You betcha.

Level 3: Grip n’ Tug. Holy calzones. Things have really picked up. Everyone is full blown sex mode, but you’re not ready to completely give in to your passions. Your beaver dam broke and your sexiest mid-rise cotton Hanes are completely destroyed. Your flooded flaps are on the roof waiting for the National Guard to save them & they better hope insurance will cover the damage. Whoa. Song change? You betcha.

Level 4: The trifecta. Whole squad’s in on the action now – his balls have joined the party. Your left hand thought it could just relax? Wrong. The Grip n’ Tug continues with a new slight twisty motion and ‘ol leftie is going full David-Bowie-In-The-Labyrinth-With-Those-Crystal-Things on his testicles. ::GIF of David Bowie twirling the balls::

Your pinky is getting dangerously close to his b-hole. Are you drunk enough to forget he spent about $30 at Taco Bell hours before this & take the plunge? Your boy’s giving you this look. What are you supposed to do?

You act like you’re on the highest level with your Bop-It, bouncing all over the place.

You’re pluggin’ and pullin’ and squeezing so hard that he ends up lookin’ you dead ass in your eyes like

That’s when you know it’s time to make one last song change, and it’s time to fuck. Condom time. What type? You guessed it. Trojan Magnum Mega Dong XX Big Dawg XLs because that’s the type of tail you’re pulling in. Get it girl.