Yesterday, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) rolled out new nationwide rules for traveler pat-downs. Want to keep your genitalia private by avoiding the new backscatter security scanners? You can request a pat-down instead, but the TSA is intent on making sure you won't enjoy it. The new rules require agents to pay renewed attention to your crotch, and their hands won't stop until they meet testicular resistance. (No word on quite how far they'll go should you lack said testicles.)

Here's how the TSA describes the new policy. Get ready to yawn: "TSA is in the process of implementing new pat-down procedures at checkpoints nationwide as one of our many layers of security to keep the traveling public safe. Pat-downs are one important tool to help TSA detect hidden and dangerous items such as explosives. Passengers should continue to expect an unpredictable mix of security layers that include explosives trace detection, advanced imaging technology, canine teams, among others."

Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic flew several times this week and had a revealing discussion about the new pat-down rules with a couple of TSA agents. Here's an excerpt from his far more lively description:

I asked him if the new guidelines included a cavity search. "No way. You think Congress would allow that?" I answered, "If you're a terrorist, you're going to hide your weapons in your anus or your vagina." He blushed when I said "vagina." "Yes, but starting tomorrow, we're going to start searching your crotchal area"—this is the word he used, "crotchal"—"and you're not going to like it." "What am I not going to like?" I asked. "We have to search up your thighs and between your legs until we meet resistance," he explained. "Resistance?" I asked. "Your testicles," he explained. 'That's funny," I said, "because 'The Resistance' is the actual name I've given to my testicles." He answered, "Like 'The Situation,' that guy from Jersey Shore?"

The new pat-down did turn out to be more thorough—and "resistance" was apparently encountered. Was it effective? As someone who has written about "security theater" and served as an Israeli military police officer, Goldberg has been on the receiving end of far more thorough searches. But the new rules may not really be about "thoroughness" anyway, because "the obvious goal of the TSA is to make the pat-down embarrassing enough for the average passenger that the vast majority of people will choose high-tech humiliation over the low-tech ball check."