According to its website, “Tesla is not just an automaker, but also a technology and design company with a focus on energy innovation.” Compare that to the brand for Nissan’s EV. Did you know LEAF is an acronym for “Leading, Environmentally friendly, Affordable, Family car”? In fact, it’s not an acronym, but a “backcronym” — an acronym created to fit an existing word.

In 2011, during his State of the Union address, President Obama projected we’d have a million electric vehicles on the road by 2015. But 2015’s here and we’re at fewer than 300,000 EVs. Why is that, especially after all the federal subsidies and incentives for EV owners?

Sure fossil fuel prices are cheap, but that’s a relatively recent phenomenon. There’s range anxiety. (“I’ll get only so many miles between charges.”) Maybe there are perceptions EVs have no pep. And, some might think the cars are about as comfortable as a tin can and, well, maybe, just kind of dumb looking.

I’m picking on EVs right now because most people would probably call an EV a “green brand” — the going catch-phrase for products made with sustainability in mind. We at EnviroMedia, a sustainability communications company, have had it up to here with so-called “green” branding because most of the time it’s a lazy, thoughtless, counterproductive way to describe some amazing products and companies.

So, on Earth Day 2015, we give the world, the planet, [insert another enviro-cliché here] Eight Reasons Green Brands Suck and some of the negative emotions they can elicit from perfectly good potential customers.

Eight Reasons Green Brands Suck

1. Guilt — I’m not buying that crap. I’m sticking to what I know. Go away!

2. Impracticality — I want an electric car, but I’m afraid I’ll run out of charge before I get where I want to go.

3. Expensive — That green cleaner costs twice as much as the regular brands.

4. Doesn’t work — That green cleaner is not only expensive, it doesn’t work!

5. Ugly — Man, did you see that first-generation hybrid? Looks like something from from Planet Ork.

6. Polarizing — Why is coal calling itself “clean”?

7. Who cares? — Palm oil harvesting is ruining forests in Indonesia? Who cares? I’ve got bills to pay and a family to feed right here in the USA.

8. Alienating — I’ll never “go green.” This product’s not for me. I’m not buying it. (For those of you minding the bottom line, Reason #8 is supreme. You could be alienating half your potential customer base by saying you’re green.)

There you have it. We at EnviroMedia are proclaiming that Green Brands Suck. Why? They’re cliché, and they’re muddying up the potential of some really progressive products. We’re not saying sustainably produced products suck. We’re saying placing that nebulous, oftentimes trite “green” positioning as a primary message is probably not the most advantageous way to go — most of the time.

Of course, I’m all for products and companies that innovate ways to lighten our environmental footprint. And the key word is just that — “innovate.” Not “green.” That’s a color, not a car. (For the record, Innovative Brands Don’t Suck. Cool Brands Don’t Suck either.)

Is an electric vehicle green? Of course not. It’s 4,000-ish pounds of steel, rubber, paint, plastic, and lithium. Does it produce zero carbon emissions? Yes — from the tailpipe, but plenty of carbon emissions go into producing it. Is it innovative? By all means. Plus EVs have Bluetooth, leather seats and all the other amenities of a cool car.

Coming: Part 2, Tesla Positioning, “Zero to 60, Not Zero Emissions”

Today the internet is swirling with news of how Tesla is adapting its innovations from the EV business to energy storage for homes and commercial applications. Check back next week for Part 2 of this three-part “Green Brands Suck” blog series. Part 2 illustrates how Tesla is leading the way with its refreshing positioning of vehicle performance and innovation, instead of primary messaging about reductions in tailpipe emissions.

Special thanks to my awesome colleagues Dan Driscoll and Will Lynch for helping me brainstorm the “Eight Reasons Green Brands Suck” list.