V ATICAN CITY—Packing the cobblestone streets and clad in prosthetic beards, sandals, and crowns of thorns, thousands of drunken revelers poured into the Vatican this week to take part in the city-state’s annual ChristCon Pub Crawl. “Every December, it seems like there are more of these jackasses at bars, taking selfies in St. Peter’s Basilica, and tying up traffic while decked out as some version of Our Lord and Savior,” said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, noting that ChristCon’s all-day route, which begins at the Immaculate Conception Pub and winds through 18 of Vatican City’s bars before terminating at O’Malley’s Tipsy Eucharist, always leaves the streets riddled with loud, vomit-stained Jesuses clutching cheap chalices and soiling their robes as they pass out in the city’s sacristies. “Last year, a particularly loud group of Portuguese Sons of God tried to crucify themselves on my lawn. I understand people want to have a good time, but some of us just want to get to work without having to break up a fistfight that started when one Jesus hit on the wrong Mary Magdalene.” Bodano added that the only sympathy he had for ChristCon’s participants was seeing young women shivering in the December cold after wearing ill-advised sexy Baby Jesus outfits to the crawl.

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