THE Conservative party has confirmed it is opposed, on both a theoretical and practical level, to solving any of the problems faced by modern Britain.

Tory chairman Sir Patrick McLoughlin admitted that serious issues facing housing, education, and social care could be solved, but that it would be wrong to do so.

He continued: “We could build houses, of course we could, but encouraging private development by offering tax breaks which will increase profits while not building houses is much more the Tory way.

“Likewise, instead of investing in education we’re making those sums available to anyone nominally running an academy while paying themselves an enormous salary and, via a company owned by their wife, annual consultants’ fees.

“What people fail to understand is that spending taxpayers’ money directly on issues which matter to taxpayers is repugnant and 1950s, even if it works.

“Far better to have faith in the free market to do it all for us. We may not live through it, but at least we’ll die pure.”