Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

From the title alone, you would think that this movie had potential. Maybe ridiculous, funny potential, but all the same itâ€™s a story idea you could definitely do something with. Many of you out there are already familiar with Seth Grahame-Smith’s bestselling novel, and know what a fun read it was.Â Â I myself was hoping that they would be able to adapt this book into an enjoyable, if not flawed movie. Unfortunately, what they did was make an R rated campy cheesfest hoping to appeal to the darker, violence-loving crowd. Why they did this is a mystery to me. On average R rated films donâ€™t make as much money as PG or PG-13 movies. The economics of that are simple though; Parents donâ€™t take their kids to R Rated films, and most of the money made at the movies is from groupâ€™s goings, and usually groups consisting of families. Thatâ€™s why kids movies make so much money, while great films like Prometheus, make only moderate box office returns.

Now with a premise such as this one, your target should no doubt have been the young teenagers, not the over 17 year olds. It was a stupid decision, simple as that. They cut their market in half, and the half that can watch it will all think its stupid. Even more stupid was the reasons that it WAS rated R. Firstly the violence, to be honest, was pretty tame. I mean when I go into an R rated actioner I expect some heavy levels of gore to accompany me. But really this just felt like the TV edit of 300. The MPAA is either getting too squeamish, or Iâ€™m getting to desensitized. Whichever the case, the studio should have make the proper cuts and released this movie the audience it was intended for! That action coupled with the LAME computer graphics did not scream, â€œhardcore R rated Vampire flickâ€ which is what I think they were going for. I donâ€™t know at what point they decided they wanted to make Interview with a Vampire, and not Van Helsing, but what I can tell you is they used the same bad CG that we saw in Van Helsing – but to be fair that movie is almost 10 years old.

I canâ€™t help but feel that this is the fault of the movie’s executive producer: the wonderfully inept Tim Burton. The man has been hailed as the â€œGothic Filmmaking Heroâ€ for so long that I think itâ€™s gone to his head. He now feels that everything he touches needs to be darkened, and more violent, and more quirky, when in reality it needed less of all of those things. Itâ€™s like he is making pictures for his perceived fan base only, and not worrying about the rest of the viewing public. I donâ€™t know who out there still enjoys this hack’s movies, but it must be a small, and shrinking group of eyeliner wearing misanthropes who wouldnâ€™t know quality cinema if it came up behind them and bit them on the neck!

But I digress, the person I really want to talk to is directorÂ TimurÂ Bekmambetov. I would ask him if he directed the movie he wanted to direct, or if he had a weirdy beardy man whispering into his ear the whole time. Previously he directed the comic adaptation of Wanted, which starred Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy. Not the greatest movie around but certainly what I would call decent. So I know he can do it, I know he can make a decent R rated actioner, with decent effects, and a decent script. SO why didnâ€™t he do all of those things with Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter? I fear that this is a question that will go perpetually unanswered.

The Bottom Line:

Avoid Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter until it hits DVDs. The movie was not worth the price of admission in the theater.

Until next time…

See you at the theater