RZA is one of the most famous hip-hop producers of all time, and for good reason. As head of the Wu-Tang Clan, from 1992 –1996 he was responsible for crafting three undisputed classic albums (two solos; which ones they are should be obvious) and three great solo albums. His autocratic rule of the Wu concluded in 1997 with Wu-Tang Forever’s topping the pop charts, and while he’s made his fair share of missteps, he’s still undoubtedly in the top five, dead-or-alive of producers.

As an artist, RZA can best be described as an extremely dedicated mad scientist. The operative word here is “mad;” part of RZA’s claim to fame is that his productions were far below the mainstream of rap or, indeed, music, and for the first two albums he produced, there were many tracks that sounded straight out the mind of a lunatic. With that in mind, I present to you a Friday the 13th Special article cataloguing some Robert Diggs productions certified to scare away any and all children from your house on Halloween.

Behold…

26 Songs That Prove RZA Is Insane

26.Fools: This is a lesser-known RZA song off Digital Bullet, and the thing that immediately sticks out is the surreal, wasteland-like effect of the instrumental –thrown into deeper contrast with the elevator music clangs every few bars. In fact “Fools” uses a noticeably slowed-down sample of “Take Me to the Mardi Gras,” the same song sampled in “AJ Scratch,” “Peter Piper” and both version of “Flowers.”

25.1-800 Suicide (Poisonous Mix): Perhaps the creepiest use of “Impeach the President ever.

24. I’ll Be There for You/You’re All I Need to Get By(Razor Sharp Mix): The original “All I Need” wasn’t insane (though it’s gritty as fuck; who else would use a song called “Stoned Soul” in the same context as a love song?), but for the remix, RZA, for whatever reason, decided to make said remix sound like a demented video game –and ride it all the way to the Grammys and #3 on Billboard.

23.Deadly Melody: Originally titled “Bring da Ruckus Revisited;” it’s arguably the closest thing to 36 Chambers on Wu-Tang Forever. There might be a sample or two in here, but no one can find them.

22.Projects (International Remix): This is the foreign version of the Wu-Tang Forever song “The Projects,” and while it isn’t the best RZA beat in the world (in fact, its jarring notes make it one of his most universally hated productions ever, right next to “Dashing”), it easily better than the quarter-assed brain fart of the original; it’s certainly no worse than Eminem’s “Just Don’t Give a Fuck”. The new, harsher beat is also more in line with the overall brutality of Ghostface’s (literally disgusting) lyrics (Side Note: I believe Raekwon is the first, if not the only, American MC to reference Canada in a non-ironic manner. Well, before Drake, anyway).

21.Cuttin’ Headz: This is the compositional precursor to “Clan in da Front;” the “Ba-Lue Bolivar Blues-Are” sample is fitted here to the effect that the whole song is off-kilter, along with a slightly unnerving vocal sample of Meat Beat Manifesto’s “House of God.” There are two questions I still have though: Why not use the Skull Snaps sample (duh), and what the fuck are RZA and Dirty doing randomly decapitating people in New York City?

20.Bring da Ruckus: Proof that expensive equipment isn’t necessary for a killer track, and that the lack of it can easily be compensated for by what can be found in a subterranean supervillain bunker.

19.Killah Hill Niggas: This is an incredibly dull song, and I don’t mean boring –this sounds like the throbbing pain of a toothache (or, for that matter, tooth removal). RZA said that Muggs reached him for doing a song on III (Temples of Boom) because he was the only producer that inspired Muggs (re:he was the only major producer who sounds like a raving psychopath). Strangely enough, Method Man isn’t on here, probably because he and/or lost a bet to U-God. (Fuck!)

18.Maria: After the opening monologue, “Maria” segues into a warbling, unsteadily heart-chilling-as-fuck violin loop (probably from Westside Story’s “Maria”), which complements the sample of “I’ll Love You More Than You’ll Ever Know.” Or, in laymen’s terms: It’s pretty much the upper-class misogynist BDSM fantasy.

I’m guessing that RZA broke up with his girlfriend between recording and release, as the vocal from Westside Story’s “Maria” disappears after the song starts. Regardless of the rampant misogyny, this rated the #1 love song among people with metallic genitalia. (I just noticed this, but even though “Wildflower” (not on the list), “Maria,” and “Domestic Violence” were all created eight-and-a-half months apart, you can replace the beat of one song with any of the two others without any of the beats sounding out of place.)

17. Protect Ya Neck II the Zoo: The weakest posse cut on Return to the 36 Chambers (it’s Osirus’ B-Team), but still pretty good, especially considering that one of the rappers is named Shorty Shit Stain. An off-kilter pseudo-Oriental guitar forms the backbone of this song, a precursor to the more polished “Guillotine Swords”

16. Brooklyn Zoo II (Tiger Crane): Not only does Ironman spit over one of the most left-field guest spots (and songs, period) of his career, this sounds like the birthing of a Soviet-era tractor and donkey’s rapechild. That is all.

15. Sub Crazy (co-prod. 4th Disciple): Method Man kicks some of the best bars of Tical on this album, and the RZA/ 4th Disciple’s beat serves as a “nice” (insofar as “7th circle of hell” can be considered nice): Between ghostly wails over sparse percussion, the beat switches into bombs hitting water, set off by two morose piano keys. The lack of drums can be seen again (to far worse effect) on Nas’ “Zone Out.”

14. Gold: My mental imagery for this song is a Ralph Steadman-esque depiction of perhaps the harshest, most painful penetration one could experience (the use of the intro to Cannonball Adderly’s “Aries” as static helps). Though Dr. Dre and Bone-Tugs-n-Harmony get all the credit for using and popularizing synthesizers, “Gold” and “Dog Shit” (more on that in a moment) certainly hold their own against many of Dre’s beats, and are much better than “Natural Born Killaz” or much of the Bones’ beats (though “Gin and Juice” is still untouchable).

13. Killah Hills 10304: After 1:25 of the drug dealer skit “Hellz Wind Staff,” (more like “Hellz Wind Deathchain,” for both this track and the eponymous song on Wu-Tang Forever) RZA moves straight into 1950s horror-movie-score territory, which, amazingly, is a good thing.

12.Radioactive (Four Assassins): Correction: This is what’ll be playing when the aliens take over. This song is actually titled “Radioactive Space Ninjas with Kickass Death Lasers and Shit,” from the (as-yet unreleased) Trey Parker and Matt Stone movie of the same name.

11. Diary of a Madman (co-prod. RNS and Prince Paul): This track has “mystical murder chamber” written all over it. Strangely, the creepy crooning is sampled from a 1950s love song by … Johnny Mathis. And the use of wailing is the same in both songs.

10. Graveyard Chamber: Like “Cuttin’ Headz,” but with more aggressive keys. The lyricists, especially Killah Priest, give in a good performance, but the real focus is the instrumental, which not only barrels down the ears, but also sounds like the gnashing teeth of a psychotic giant with meth mouth.

9. Dog Shit: Even though “Dog Shit” and “Gold” are substantially similar synth tracks, “Dog Shit” is four extra spaces higher because, well, ODB is on it. Where “Gold” sounds like a prisoner’s intro to a torture chamber, “Dog Shit” uses “alien invasion” synths, along with warbling drums that complement Dirt’s unhinged delivery. I especially like the faux-English taunt of Dirt not being the first dog to have “shit-ted on” his ex-girl’s lawn and OH SHIT.

8. Swordsman/Unexplained [aka “Labels” remix]: Is there any songs with more audibly assaulting percussion than “Swordsman?” “Swordsman’s” drums, put under apocalyptic sirens and an unknown vocal sample (“How High?”) cascade like an avalanche and hit harder than a Skull Snaps sample.

7.Unexplained/Labels (RZA remix): As opposed to “Unexplained,” which is straight dungeon music with, dull drums piercing synthesizers, and its persistent shrieks. [The “Unexplained” instrumental, probably intended as “Swordsman,” is used for the “Labels” remix.]

6. Rawhide: If you slow this down enough you can hear pigs oinking.*

5. Ice Water: I believe I first heard this song during October 2010 while looking through the Biggie/Wu beef, and this is the first RZA production where I just thought, “What the fuck?” This isn’t the first song to use vocal samples for composition (precursors include “Get the Bozack,” “Memory Lane (Sittin’ in da Park),” and the RZA-produced “Bring the Pain” and “Mr. Sandman”), but this definitely helped kickstart the trend and identify RZA with the technique. Unlike most of the other songs on this list (“Dog Shit,” “All I Need,” etc.), this song isn’t abrasive –it’s more atmospheric, but the main vocal sample (it also samples “White Christmas,” I shit you not), the deepened opening wail from Delores Hall’s “Where Do We Go From Here?,”is apprehensively frightening. Where “Maria’s” violins create a torturous, slightly nauseous effect like being stabbed or skewered with wires, “Ice Water’s” wail hits much deeper, striking multiple nerves that trigger what could best be described as a “pervasive sense of doom,” just like a heart attack. As added bonuses, in addition to being referenced in “Kick in the Door,” this has one of Cappadonna’s good verses (his first, actually) –although RZA had to kick GZA off for Cap’s guest spot. (FUUUUCK!!)

OK, here’s a sort of Rorschach test you can do with kids up to 12 years of age. Pull up the songs below on YouTube and have your kids listen to them. Then ask them what they think of the following songs. If their answers mention anything related to beauty, elegance, etc., in an affirmative manner, or if they’re under 8, call juvie immediately. The little fuckers are either schizophrenic and/or will grow up to be serial killers.

4. For Heaven’s Sake: “For Heaven’s Sake” immediately changes the tone of Wu-Tang Forever from calm and classy to balls-out war, and is arguably the most aggressively abrasive song RZA’s ever done: RZA uses the “Don’t Leave Me Lonely” vocal sample to full effect, integrating it and accompanying pianos into both the song and the chorus (the pitch is abruptly increased for the latter), adds an ominous violin loop, and adds an interstellar-war fuzz bassline and shouted “Wu! Tang!” mantra to beat the listener into submission –the end result is an auditory assault that only a demented sociopath would have thought of making –in other words, the perfect beat for RZA.

3. Stroke of Death – WARNING: Playing this song around anyone born before 1960, as well as most of the tween crowd, will immediately cause their heads to explode.

2. 6 Feet Deep: This haunted-graveyard track is as close as we’ll get to having an audio equivalent of an Arthur Rackham drawing.

1. Mr. Sandman: This track is as close as we’ll get to having an audio equivalent of an Stephen Gammell drawing.

The unworldly shrieks in the background are sampled from Lyn Collins’ “Ain’t No Sunshine.” I shit you not, that song’s actually sampled in “Mr. Sandman.” There’s no need to comment on RZA’s state of mind, but suffice it to say that if you can find how RZA sampled it, you win a prize!

*Spiritual precursor to “Fools,” this also sounds vaguely like The Main Ingredient’s “Travelin’,” sampled in the eighth bar of “The Lah.”

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