My boyfriend Jake and I have been together for a quite a while. Come to think of it, I can’t exactly remember exactly how long, I just know it’s been a while. Jake prides himself on having expert opinions on film, especially when it comes to directors. One director Jake can’t stop talking about is Paul Thomas Anderson (Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love, amongst others). He loves PTA a lot! Sometimes I think he loves PTA more than me, and it’s putting quite the strain on or relationship. It’s affecting me so much that I’m starting to question if I’m a human, or a special edition Blu-ray of Boogie Nights.

How is it getting to be too much? Well, whenever Jake and I get intimate, it feels very one-sided, i.e. he barely touches me, and just looks at me intently while he does his thing. He also screams this a lot when he climaxes: “OH PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON, PTA! PTA! PTA! YOU WRITE CHARACTERS I RELATE TO, OH MY GOOOOD!” I understand every couple is different, but I’ll admit it’s a little strange. He acts like I’m barely there, ignoring my questions, as if I don’t exist. And then I really think about it… can he not hear me because I’m just a Blu-ray of his favorite movie?

I know my theory is ridiculous, but hear me out. First of all, I don’t know how long Jake and I have been together. It feels like I’ve been with him forever. Secondly, every time Jake wants to be affectionate, he just strokes me and whispers, “Why weren’t you nominated for Best Picture?” and “Paul worked so hard on your screenplay, and he was robbed. ROBBED!” Usually he cries a lot. Freaky!

Jake usually says, “Oh baby, you’re looking so good tonight, I can’t wait to play you later,” or that he’s really excited to take me out of my box. You can probably understand why I’m freaking out a little! Not only does Jake treat me weirdly, but he’s also a bit of an eccentric gift giver. On one of our anniversaries he gave me a plastic square for “protection from dust, the cats, and my brother’s sticky fingers.” Really freaking weird! Am I a woman, or just a beloved Blu-ray copy of a movie?

And sometimes he goes days without talking to me, and when he finally does he has the weirdest excuses like, “Sorry, I was just revisiting There Will Be Blood again, Daniel Day is incredible, and PTA is a master as always” or “I decided to give Inherent Vice a try again, still great, I don’t know why people bash it, I mean it’s Paul Thomas Anderson!” Should I be concerned that Jake is cheating on me? I guess not, because he always holds me close and says, “No matter what, you’ll always be my favorite, I relate to Dirk Diggler the most, in so many ways.” I’ll admit, it’s a relief, but I’m still questioning our relationship, and my lack of physical body.

Should I be worried about my relationship with Jake and my apparent lack of human qualities? I don’t know. I always used to think Jake and I were a team, but now I think he just worships me because I’m a copy of a movie by his favorite director, who he never stops talking about, by the way. Now that I think about it, I do feel a lot smaller and boxier than I can remember.

Am I just a special edition Blu-ray of Boogie Nights? I’ll have to wait to find out. Jake says a new special friend, Phantom Thread, will be stopping by tonight.