Trade War: Angry Canada Vows Ban on US Porn

Raising the stakes in a looming trade war, an angry Canada announced today that it will respond in part to President Trump's announced tariffs on foreign steel and aluminum with a ban on US porn.

Described by Canadian Foreign Minister Dave Foley as "Immediate and comprehensive", the ban would apply to all sexually explicit films - from stepmother-son porn to stepbrother-sister porn - produced in the US.

"From Tuesday forth, Canadians will watch Canadian-made porn. Or do something else more productive," Foley declared.

According to Minister of Canadian Heritage Kevin McDonald, shutting the pipeline of porn flowing north from the States will leave Canucks with a choice of two domestically made videos for their autoerotic pleasure.

"First, my favorite, features a nervous first-timer who is persuaded by the film's director to enroll in trade school," McDonald described. "Also, there's the one about the young lady getting a mammogram."

Although at first appearance it would seem the woman in the second video is too young to be getting a mammogram, it is revealed during the course of the scene - produced tastefully by the Canada Health Act - that her family history of breast cancer makes the free early screening recommended for women over the age of 25.

"It's actually a very valuable public service announcement," McDonald said.

Meanwhile, asked for comment on the ban, US Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross remarked that he is less than phased.

"Everyone knows Canadians don't watch porn," he said. "They either actually have relations with their wives or think back to sex they had with their college girlfriends."