When I die early, I’ll save the government millions of dollars. When my lungs fill with fluid, I’ll save you, the taxpayer, thousands of working hours. When my wife cries in helpless misery as I drown in my own mucous, I’m sure some of those tears will be of joy for $5,000 a week our government saved by not listing the drug Orkambi on the Pharmaceutical Benefits List.

It’s useful knowing how much my life is worth to the government and the taxpayer. That a portion of my life is not worth $260,000 a year is liberating. Sure, that price would go down as the drug aged, so my value would decrease, but I want to be a high-end, top shelf item for the ever decreasing years of my shortened life.

I know a 3-bedroom house in Devonport is worth more than a year of me. If someone, say, oh I don’t know, Peter Dutton had a choice between a year of my time on earth and a nice retirement spot in Tassie, it’s comforting to know he’d pick the home away from home. If Greg Hunt had some loose change, he’d feel more comfortable buying a BMW 6 Series Gran Coupé instead of bringing me more years with my family and friends. And jesus, he’s right: you can trade in the BMW and get something new. Me, I just die. What a waste of your taxpayer money!

I wonder if I can cash out early? I can’t get travel, hospital or income protection insurance, so maybe I can instead take the value the government has deemed those final years of my life are worth, and ask for it in advance? If we agree to, say, ten more years, then they can kill me quickly, rather than the slow, suffocating death cystic fibrosis brings, and I can get a percentage of the savings in a cash payout. I’m not greedy. I know I don’t get the full 100%: there’s gotta be a premium for cashing out early. The government doesn’t just give money away. Everything needs to be measured and valued… well, except the $1.1 billion they spent without authorisation on detention centres. But that’s the Immigration Department. They spend money on human misery. The Health Department allow human misery in order to save money. There’s a big difference, and one we should all appreciate.

Knowing the limit of my value is great, because I know my place. I’m beneath cars, houses, detention centres, ad campaigns, and carnival rides. You, dear taxpayer, should know that the money saved from dismissing Orkambi can go to things your government has deemed more important, things like chartered flights, helicopter rides and polo matches. The sooner I die, the more money you save, and the less you have to keep hearing about it. Because I’m dead.