When Tim Cook and StartUp Delta's Neelie Kroes presented a blurry photograph of this disturbing painting to a room full of journalists at Startup Fest Europe, Cook joked (?), "I always thought I knew when the iPhone was invented, but now I’m not so sure anymore."

The Next Web reported this bizarre anecdote from the conference, noting that the odd-shaped block in the painting is actually described by the painter, Pieter de Hooch, as "a letter." The painting is actually titled "Man Handing a Letter to a Woman in the Entrance Hall of a House," which is truly a thrilling description. Also, that's an iPhone, but sure Pieter.

what makes tim cook so confident in the recorded events of history?

What I find most flabbergasting about this very odd story is that Tim Cook has ever been confident in the timing of the iPhone's invention or the identity of its inventor. If I have learned anything from the golden age of cable television it's that time is a flat circle, and if I have learned anything from the swath of recent films about tech personalities, everyone in Silicon Valley is a psychotic pathological liar. And if I know anything at all, I know that a conspiracy is nearly always afoot.

All this is irrelevant, however, because asking, "Wait, was the iPhone invented 350 years ago?!" is sort of like asking "Wait, am I just a spec of dust embedded in the eye goo of an unfathomably large immortal being that exists in this moment and in all others at the same time?" As in, um, who would honestly be able to tell you?

Surely not this man, face in shadow. What is he but drops of paint?

Definitely not this woman, who is pointing her finger deliberately in one direction, with all the unwarranted swagger of a person who believes in the fable of linear time.

Probably not this dog, who is certainly a sentient time traveller prepared to dismantle that iPhone, born too soon, with his sharp, sharp teeth. Perhaps he could tell you, were he able to speak, and had he not signed an air-tight NDA.

Oh dear, not this other dog, which is the nose of a pig stapled onto the body of a Beanie Baby. What does he know other than pain?

What do these men know? They wait, but they couldn't ever say for what. As they speak, they move their thumbs slowly up and then quickly down, as if swiping something. Hideously embarrassed by their hands, they stare into each other's mouths.

History has absolutely no idea what sort of monster this is, but no good will come of investigating. It probably created the iPhone, which has destroyed most of humanity's close friendships and ability to read on trains, but who knows when. It fishes.

I guess we'll never know when the iPhone was invented.

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