Name: The Faraway Tree.

Age: 75.

Appearance: Former tree.

It fell down? It’s a book. Or, rather, a series of books.

I’ve not read them, or any other books. What are they about? They’re about some kids who go into the woods, where they find a very special tree.

What’s special about it? It’s so enormous that it seems to reach into the clouds and, when the children climb it, they gain access to many magical lands – The Land of Birthdays, The Land of Do-As-You-Please – inhabited by strange and amusing characters.

Are these children on drugs? Of course not. These are books by Enid Blyton – of Noddy and The Secret Seven fame – and include The Enchanted Wood (1939), The Magic Faraway Tree (1943) and The Folk of the Faraway Tree (1946).

I’m no expert on children’s literature, but they sound stupid and boring. Generations of children have enjoyed reading about The Faraway Tree, which was home to beloved characters including Moonface, Dame Washalot and Saucepan Man.

Saucepan Man? Does he own a lot of saucepans? No, he’s made of saucepans.

So he’s a cyborg constructed from scrap kitchen equipment? You’re not supposed to ask questions like that – they’re just children’s books. For now.

What do you mean, for now? The Faraway Tree stories are being adapted for the big screen – Sam Mendes’s production company is planning a live action film version.

I hope they’re going to modernise them. The stories have already been gently revised over the years – the not-always-PC Blyton sometimes falls foul of modern sensibilities.

How exactly? Dame Slap, a corporal punishment enthusiast, is known as Dame Snap in more recent editions. And Fanny and Dick have been rebranded Franny and Rick, for obvious reasons.

Sounds as if they’ve changed the best bits. Will today’s children really want to see a movie about a magical tree? Mendes thinks so, and it won’t be the only Blyton story in cinemas. Her Famous Five books are also being made into a series of films.

Do say: “Do hurry up, Franny and Rick, and don’t forget your safety helmets, bottled water and sun cream!”

Don’t say: “You know what would improve The Faraway Tree? If they moved it much, much farther away.”