The Bolivian Salt Flats vs. Donnie sleeping with my sweatshirt on a futon

I recently spent three weeks living in the West Village caring for a 13-year-old Terrier named Donnie. It was the first time in almost three years that I’d spent a significant amount of time away from my apartment, since I went on a spiritual, severance-funded three week quest to South America. Though these may sound like drastically different experiences, guess what: they weren’t!

DID I SLEEP ON A FUTON?

Dogsitting: Yes.

South America: Yes. Several, actually.

WAS IT FUCKING COLD?

Dogsitting: Yes.

South America: Yes, but only in the Bolivian desert and only at night.

DID I FEEL LIKE I SPENT ALL MY TIME ON THE TRAIN?

Dogsitting: Yes.

South America: No, I felt like I spent all my time on the bus.

DID I FALL IN LOVE?

Dogsitting: Yes (with Donnie).

South America: Yes (with Buenos Aires).

WAS MY LIVING SPACE HEATED?

Dogsitting: Sometimes.

South America: Sometimes.

WAS THERE HOT WATER?

Dogsitting: Sometimes.

South America: Sometimes.

DID I LIVE DOWN THE STREET FROM A BUNCH OF FANCY BOUTIQUES?

Dogsitting: OMG so many!

South America: LOL no, I couldn’t afford to stay in nice neighborhoods.

WAS MY SISTER THERE?

Dogsitting: For a little while.

South America: For a little while.

WAS THE FOOD GOOD?

Dogsitting: Sometimes.

South America: Sometimes.

DID I MOSTLY EAT TRAIL MIX.

Dogsitting: Oh yeah.

South America: Oh yeah.

DID I GET SO VIOLENTLY ILL I ALMOST SHIT MY PANTS?

Dogsitting: No.

South America: Ohhh yes. Yes, yes, yes.

DID I EXERCISE?

Dogsitting: LOL no.

South America: LOLOL no.

DID I SPEND A BUNCH OF MONEY?

Dogsitting: No.

South America: Um…yes.

DID I MAKE A BUNCH OF MONEY?

Dogsitting: Yes!

South America: Hell no.

DID AN OLD WOMAN WHO WORKED AT THE BAR ACROSS THE STREET OFFER ME A SHIRT SHE BOUGHT THAT DIDN’T FIT HER?

Dogsitting: Nope.

South America: Yup.

WAS I FORCED TO SHARE A ROOM WITH A GROUP OF TALL AUSTRALIANS WHO WOULDN’T EVEN SPEAK TO ME?

Dogsitting: No.

South America: Ugh yes.

DID I CONTINUE TO RUN INTO THE AUSTRALIANS IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND DID THEY PRETEND THEY DIDN’T KNOW ME?

Dogsitting: I don’t think so, but maybe I just didn’t recognize them.

South America: Fucking constantly.

DID I ALMOST GET ROBBED BY A COUPLE OF OLD WOMEN?

Dogsitting: Maybe?

South America: Yes, but I thwarted them!

WAS IT A WORTHWHILE JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY?

Dogsitting: Definitely.

South America: Definitely.

WAS I HAPPY TO GO HOME?

Dogsitting: Oh hell yeah.

South America: Oh hell yeah.