American Horror Story S04E06: "Bullseye"

It's hard enough being a tiny lady. Nevermind the near-constant coyote attacks, think of how annoying it would be to do ordinary everyday things like shopping or riding roller-coasters. And then you have to deal with jerks trying to dunk you in formaldehyde so they can sell your tiny body to brokedown museums? No thanks. Count me out of being a tiny lady. It just doesn't seem worth it. Poor Ma Petite! But also thank goodness for dream sequence fakeouts. That's probably the only time I'll ever say that.



I wasn't wild about "Bullseye." It was not my favorite. I wasn't 100 percent jazzed about it. When it comes to this episode I wasn't hella stoked. It was fine. Just okay. Not great. I am not going to write home about this episode and certainly not on the good stationery. This episode did not blow me away, which ordinarily would seem like a good thing because how horrible would it be to get blown away in any circumstance? But in this case I am using the phrase as a negative thing. I was underwhelmed. "Bullseye" did not hit the bullseye for me, which is a play on the title. If this episode threw a dagger at us we would not come away unharmed. I would kick this episode out of bed for eating crackers. Don't quit your day job, episode. This episode was medium-alright. That being said, the final line was so funny that I did a cartoon spit-take and then somersaulted off my couch and directly into a ravine.

Let's talk about it!





It all started with a menagerie of blue-collar carnies rummaging through the storage tent for a bullseye-lookin' POS. Apparently Elsa wanted to resurrect her old knife-throwing routine for the upcoming TV show that she would not be starring in because it was not actually a real thing. But it was still kinda cute when they wheeled it into the devil's mouth because it looked like the devil was eating an after-dinner mint. I don't know.



And then in the first of many instances where the most interesting stuff was imaginary, Elsa started throwing knives at everybody!

But no, she was just throwing knives at a dummy. Still, the bearded lady was nervous about this idea.

Meanwhile at Mott Manor, Mrs. Mott presented her son with prophylactics on a literal silver platter. Because if he was going to be having a pair of conjoined twins around the house, he'd better not knock one or more of them up.

But Dandy protested that he loved the twins with all of his heart because they were his soulmates or whatever. Either way, this was one hot menage, am I right? (Seriously, am I right? Let me know.)

Meanwhile guess whose birthday it was!

All the citizens of the freak show brought Elsa gifts. For example Paul brought her lingerie and Salty brought her a pot of dead flowers. Normal gifts. But the most normal gift of all was Amazon Eve's, who bestowed upon Elsa the gift that keeps on giving.

That's right, it was something of a joint gift. Eve gave Elsa a human being, and Ma Petite put on a crocheted body sack and became a living hand-warmer like something out of a Stefon monologue. The perfect gift!

Anyway, it was hard for the rest of the crowd to feel too stoked about it, seeing as the twins were missing.

Elsa was SOOO mad that people were questioning her about the "ungrateful hydra" but come on, Elsa. Everyone knows you're shady.

I did not expect this:

Yep, that's just Elsa and Paul smoking opium and making sex. Except then Elsa was like "don't fall in love with me, ho" and he got sad and left. But not before grabbing Ma Petite out of a nearby box and placing her in the bed. That's right, a grown woman was just sitting quietly nearby while they'd done sex to each other, why do you ask?

But don't worry about Paul, he had his side piece... Meryl Streep's daughter!

I guess they'd really hit it off during that freak-orgy a few weeks earlier. That's a story they should definitely tell at their wedding.

However, Paul was a bit nervous that Meryl Streep's daughter was only using him for his body and not his mind. Also, if we're being honest, Meryl Streep's daughter did not have the full blessing of her father in this situation.

Meanwhile Bette and Dot were experiencing a very mixed-emotions kind of situation in their new life with Dandy.

Obviously Bette was ALL ABOUT it. Obviously Dot was not.

But then she realized that dating Dandy comes with certain perks, like when he shared a news article about conjoined twins that were separated and one died. Because hey, maybe now she could afford a murder-surgery as well!

She even fantasized about getting rid of that pesky second head and being able to hug Jimmy Darling in a normal way. Fair enough! Dot is very horny for Jimmy Darling in my opinion.

Speaking of Jimmy, he did NOT appreciate Paul's accusations that Elsa had been responsible for selling the twins.

I guess some people are just not ready to listen to truth. And sometimes those people have lobster hands.

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