Did you know there once was a stalker who went to prison for terrorizing Steven Spielberg and his family? When they caught that guy they found what they called a ‘rape kit’ in his possession. Thankfully they put him away for years. I think if that guy came up with a movie, it would be Shark Night 3D. The trailer is a nightmare that promises nothing new and nothing you haven’t seen before EXCEPT: Who the fuck ever heard of a shark in a lake? That’s about it. There’s so much wrong with the promotion that I wonder how this movie got away from the Sci-Fi Channel – they love shitty CGI shark movies.

For the first 48 seconds of the 2 minute 4 second trailer, this would appear to be a movie about rich college kids on vacation. Then a shark, in a lake, attacks a black guy who happens to be water skiing at the time. The trailer then drops the credentials of the producers and director – because the movie has no stars in it. Then in two quick cuts they try to pose the question of how a shark got in a lake: ‘It’s a salt water lake’. The whole thing is absurd. At the end of the trailer there has been dozens quick cuts of random action, a few complete spoiler shots of injured people and one shot of a very poorly done CGI shark about to attack. For a movie about sharks, the trailer spends more time concentrating on promoting topless women, yet is rated PG-13 – so you know there’s a very soft limit to what they’re trying to draw you into, and there’s far more shots promoting that over the shark. I take this as a sure sign that the editor was working all night to scratch together a trailer from this mess that would sell to high school aged kids.

Since this movie appears to be made for a younger audience I’d like to take a moment to explain why anyone who was alive in the 80’s is offended. When I was a child in the 80’s there were different types of horror movies being made. To name a couple, there were classic slasher movies like Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street; there were psychological, suspenseful horror movies such as The Shining and Single White Female; and then there was the Jaws series. Before the movie Jaws animal attacks usually had warning in movies, bodies were left behind intact, the killer was always seen and known. Jaws changed all of that – it was a killing machine, designed by nature, to kill a hero in the most painful and inglorious way – mutilation, drowning, being eaten alive. Before that movie, no one knew much about great white sharks or the hazards of being at sea. After that movie, no one looked at the ocean the same way again. It changed public conception. Jaws was creative and merited at least one of it’s sequels. There is no way in hell Shark Night 3D would have been made if not for Jaws – so this movie is literally stealing and riding on coattails at the same time.

Shark Night 3D is about greed. There is no attempt to break new ground or innovate. If I were to choose any movie to do a cheap rehash with, Jaws wouldn’t be my first choice. I think a movie called ‘Citizen Shane’ where you follow a character loosely based on Charlie Kane of Citizen Kane as he causes the economic downturn in the last 10 years – that might have some appeal. On top of it’s stupid plot, insulting promotion and weak cast Shark Night 3D is in 3D because 3D means higher ticket prices. I can’t think of a movie that has ever been great because it was in 3D. It’s just too distracting because in order for 3D glasses to have full effect you can’t focus your eyes on one subject on the screen. Yet from years of watching movies in 2D we’ve been trained to follow one subject on the screen. So in a way the current model for 3D in theaters is a complete waste in it’s current usage.

I’d recommend any other movie about sharks over this, or even just watch Shark Week on Discovery Channel. Let’s let Hollywood know we want more original shit than this.