Kombucha. It’s the newest latest craze in the health and fitness industry and I just can’t seem to figure out why. So recently at my gym, while waiting for a client to walk in, I noticed a few other trainers standing around pretentiously sipping their fizzy flavored vinegar water. As they blathered on about how each of theirs tasted and which boutique grocery store they bought theirs from I figured, what a perfect time to ask! Seeing as how they all charge top dollar for their personal training services, one would assume that they should be able to give me a pretty damn good explanation of its health benefits! Their response? “...It’s helps with your microbiom…” as they quickly disperse and avoid further conversation. Leaving me confused, and unanswered I decided I should do some research!

Google, “Kombucha Health Benefits” and you’ll get just about everything under the sun. Wide Open Eats does a pretty nauseating article written by Maria Cristina Lalonde. After looking her up it’s no surprise that with a name like that, she actually writes this type of garbage for a living. “ 10 Health Benefits of Kombucha ” is the title of the article. Exactly what me, or anyone else looking for answers, would go for! So I invite you to come along with me as I bust out the scalpel for dissection as we try to find a reason, WHY?

For those of you who don't know what kombucha is, it's supposedly an ancient drink from Emperor Qin Shi Huang of China which translates to “The Tea of Life.” Sometimes referred to as “mushroom tea,” it's fermented by a colony of bacteria and yeast, which react to form a mushroom like mass on top of the tea. Usually some sort of fruit juice (another way of saying, processed sugar) is added to make the drink taste less like vinegary mold. Lalonde states that the drink is classified as a “functional beverage,” sourcing 10 intriguing health benefits from a book titled “ Kombucha: the miracle fungus. ”

So let's pause for a second- we've got hippies, citing hippies, citing inconclusive science hippies who've conjured up a hypothesis from a 2000 year old moldy drink. That's like selling the result of a game of telephone played at an old folks home. But if a Chinese emperor drank it, it must be magic, right? Well, let's look a little closer into these proclaimed benefits.

1. Detoxification: “Gluconic acid, which is found in kombucha as well as fruits and veggies, may bind to toxins to help expel them from the body, according to scientific evidence. Glucaric acid, also a product of kombucha fermentation may boost the efficiency of the liver’s detoxifying tracts.”

So right away, they drag you in with the ever popular buzzword, detoxification, and then go on to tell you that fruits and veggies contain the same ingredients that would detoxify you. In reality, fruits and veggies are part of what most people forget to include in a healthy balanced diet because they’re told to avoid them by some uneducated schmuck of a trainer who's been blessed with a high metabolism and has had a six pack since the first grade. You want to boost the detoxifying tracts of your liver? Maybe just cut down on the booze. Treating every weekend like it's your 21 birthday isn't helping anyone. Try drinking only water for a few weeks and see how your liver reacts. Your body may just end up self regulating like it’s built to do and start boosting efficiency of it's detoxifying tracts… which is just a buzzywordish way of saying it allows your liver to regenerate the necessary hepatocytes to filter your blood after you've poisoned it with all of your craft cocktails paired with the vinegar aioli you used with your elevated street tacos.

2. Improved Digestion: “There's mounting evidence that the combination of organic acids, enzymes, and probiotics in kombucha may promote healthy digestion and soothe an upset stomach. Probiotics, sometimes referred to as “good gut bacteria” can help deter or provide relief from problems like IBS, diarrhea, and constipation.”

I'm sorry, but this one is a no-brainer. There's a lot of talk about improving gut health and my only question to that is, what the hell are you eating/drinking that's causing these gut problems? Improve IBS, diarrhea and constipation? Try cutting out the queso fresco, the opioids, and the over-abundance of vitamins, minerals and supplements that #fitlife says you should be having. Your body is programmed to reject stuff it’s not supposed to have. Stop listening to buzz words and start listening to your body.

3. Immune System Stimulation: “The healthy gut bacteria gained by drinking kombucha may help stimulate the immune system… ...Probiotics, specifically from those in fermented foods and gleaned from the fermentation process, can strengthen our natural defenses against harmful microbes… ...When our natural microbiome is depleted, harmful microbes such as ones that cause ulcers, diabetes or cancer can take hold.”

Personally, that sounds like something along the lines of what a little thing called, exercise, does for everyone. I’ve never understood the recent craze around the over consumption of probiotics. In fact, the idea of adding probiotics has been around for over 100 years when it was suggested that bulgarian peasants lived longer because of their consumption of YOGURT. So now because of that, you got people drinking whatever the hell they can get their hands on to balance a weak digestive system. I’m sorry but, drop the Kieffer and the Synergy because you forgot one thing that these PEASENTS were doing: real life CROSSFIT. Yes, they squatted to for bowl movements, they clean and pressed boulders to build their huts, rowed their actual boats, chopped real wood, carried real water! So was it the probiotics that helped them live longer or the active lifestyle? I’d vote on the active lifestyle, but that’s just me...

4. Arthritis Prevention: “Another powerful compound found in kombucha is glucosamine, which can stave off and treat all types of arthritis. Glucosamines enhance hyaluronic acid production, which may help to protect cartilage and reduce arthritic pain.”

Arthritis prevention is quite a bold claim to say the least. Ever heard the saying, “A body in motion stays in motion?” It’s safe to say that exercise is always the best way to avoid and perhaps even prevent arthritis. But then again sitting on your ass talking about how healthy you are because you do the same thing Emperor Dead Guy did 2000 years ago is probably a better idea.

5. Cancer Prevention: “Glucaric acid, which is found in kombucha and foods like grapefruit and cruciferous veggies, may help reduce cancer risk… ...Allegedly, President Reagan consumed kombucha daily to combat stomach cancer for its noted defense about free radicals. The health elixir is magic, what can we say?”

A few key components in that statement there: grapefruit and cruciferous veggies (cauliflower, cabbage, garden cress, bok choy, broccoli, Brussels sprouts and other similar green leaf vegetables). The health elixir is sounding less and less like magic and more and more like another excuse for overweight people who don’t exercise because they have bad knees. **They have bad knees because they’re overweight**

6.Cholesterol Reduction: “In studies with animals, kombucha was able to reduce levels of LDL cholesterol (or bad cholesterol) while increasing levels of HDL (good cholesterol). When it comes to health problems, as cholesterol and blood pressure problems are common, it’s important to incorporate natural combatants into your diet in the form of good bacteria over harmful bacteria.”

Natural combatants… smh! Instead of walking to the kitchen for your gluten free cookies, try naturally combating stress by going for a jog around the neighborhood. I’m pretty sure we can all agree that stress can be directly related to high blood pressure.

7. Energy Enhancement: “...A boost without the adverse effects that come with a high concentration of caffeine? That seems like a good alternative.”

I get it. Sitting at a desk looking at a computer screen all day can be tiring. And 4-6 cups of coffee isn’t doing anything good for anyone. But there’s something out there that’s more productive than your overly sugared moldy vinegar water. It’s called a gym, and believe it or not, some of them are open 24/7. Take a quick 30 minute group exercise class and I dare you to tell me that you don't feel energized!

8. Weight Loss: “When our healthy microbes are depleted, obesity and diabetes can result. The natural acids and antioxidant properties found in the beverage may promote fat loss.”

Obesity can result from a depletion of microbes?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? That’s almost as bad as the Veri-Desk commercial saying that sitting too much can trigger obesity. I’m sorry but sitting around all day sipping The Tea Of Life while you binge on Netflix documentaries so you can talk about how smart you think you are isn’t going to promote fat loss. And neither will that gluten free pasta tossed in dairy free Alfredo sauce. But hey - if your over-flexible yoga instructor says so with a soft enough voice, then it must be true!

9. Enhanced Athletic Performance: “Olympic athletes in the Soviet Union reportedly drank up to one quart of kombucha daily to prevent soreness caused by lactic acid accumulating in the muscles.”

First off, who in their right mind sites the god damn Soviet Union as credible source?! Secondly, didn’t they also just get in trouble for doping up their athletes on steroids?! And forget the Russians for a second, let’s set one thing straight - soreness isn’t caused by lactic acid build up. It’s caused by disruption of the z-lines of the sarcomeres. Read a book.

10. Mood Enhancement: “The B vitamins in kombucha, specifically vitamins B1, B6, and B12, may help battle depression, stabilize mood, and enhance concentration. The vitamin C in kombucha, in turn, inhibits the release of stress hormone cortisol. How about that for an immortal health elixir?”

Battle depression, stabilize mood, enhance concentration, relieve stress. Sounds a lot like the effects of exercise when your body releases those endorphins that everyone so quickly forgets about when they read misguided nonsense.

So there you have it, folks. After a clean dissection I can assume that we can now answer WHY Kombucha so popular! Let me just start by saying that it’s definitely not because it’s “an immortal health elixir.” In all reality it’s just another excuse to not exercise! As a personal trainer, I’ve heard just about every excuse in the book and thanks to Kombucha/Tea of Life/Over Sugared Moldy Vinegar Water, there’s now 10 more excuses that I have to listen to from someone who can't follow a simple workout regimen. “Sorry Levi, I can't make it in for our training session today, but it’s ok, I’m picking up a bottle of Kombucha!”

But in all seriousness, I’m not even saying that Kombucha is bad. If you want to drink it and you believe it's helping you, more power to ya! I’m just saying it’s another excuse for the weak. Is it a substitute for exercise? Personally, I would argue, not a chance in hell. And for anyone who already exercises regularly, then drinking it is really just overkill! Water, fruits, vegetables, proteins, fats, carbs, fibers. It’s called a balance diet, people. Pair that with exercise and you too can end up saving $8 a bottle.