By Ryan Wells @RMW221

Chances are by now you’ve heard of the recent Syfy movie sensation “Sharknado“, which became wildly popular thanks to Twitter and also sharks combined with tornadoes. Chances are that you also aren’t very familiar with the other amazing Syfy originals. This is a bad thing. Sure, you’ll pay $15 for “Pacific Rim” to go see a giant robot fighting a giant whatever it is monster, but you can’t appreciate the nuance of a half-shark/half-octopus killing machine?? I’m here to change your view of the world. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, friends.

Synopsis

Genetically modified piranha have escaped captivity in Brazil and begin to unleash havoc. During their rampage they eat two battleships, a submarine, a helicopter, multiple buildings, and lots of people.

The Beast

Basically your standard killer piranha except they double in size every 36 hours, have 3 stomachs (never stop being hungry!), and have armor like scales.

How Are They Defeated?

An army of SCUBA divers armed with guns make the piranhas bleed, causing them to enter a feeding frenzy and kill each other.

The Cast

Best Scene(s)

My favorite is at 1:05.

There’s a creep show creature with a double feature

A freakish beast wants flesh to feast

A twisted fish eats surfers as a side dish

When you see the frenzied feeding you will be the next bleeding

Sharktopus won’t be kept at bay

And you can never ever ever get away

So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

Come on

There’s a red sky this morning so sailors take warning

Ride the wave of terror if you dare

Fear runs deep when there’s souls to reap

When the tentacles do tangle you will be in a strangle

Sharktopus won’t be kept at bay

And you can never ever ever get away

So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

Come on

There’s an evil down beneath with razor sharp teeth

In the water lightly tread or you will be dead

Fear runs deep when there’s souls to reap

There is a calamity comin’ and from the beach you will be running

Sharktopus won’t be kept at bay

And you can never ever ever get away

So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

Come on Come on Come on

Synopsis

A half-shark, half-octopus monster that was created as a military weapon gets loose and then wants to go around eating people. It comes complete with its own terrible/great theme song.

The Beast

It’s half-shark, half-octopus and it wants to eat you. Babes of the beach beware.

How Is It Defeated?

Hunk Bro, who I originally confused with a guy from Battlestar Galactica, shoots it with an exploding thing, fends it off with a big stick for awhile, and then Hot Babe uses her computer skills to blow it up. Human Race: Saved.

The Cast

Best Scene

Synopsis

Fossils of an African dinosaur ancestor of the crocodile are found. A scientist decides it’s a good idea to create a couple of prototypes using its DNA. One of them escapes! Another science experiment gone wrong! Dinocroc goes on a killing rampage!

The Beast

Strong, fast, very hard to kill. A crocodile dinosaur. DINOCROC. Are you getting a feel as to how they name these things yet?

How Is It Defeated?

DINOCROC is hit by a train and has a railroad spike driven through its brain. Could this be the end of DINOCROC? To be continued…in Dinocroc vs. Supergator!

The Cast

Best Scene

Sure kid, that rickety old shack that sounds like it’s going to fall over any minute will save you from that giant hungry DINOCROC. Skip to 2:20 if the suspense is too suspenseful for you.

Dinocroc vs. Supergator (2010)

Synopsis

Two gigantic reptiles are created at some biotech company and they escape! Another science experiment gone wrong! The monsters go on a killing rampage! But this time they fight each other after killing a bunch of people!

The Beasts

Dinocroc

This is not the same Dinocroc we saw earlier. It is a little more croc and a little less dino, but basically the same thing. A poor man’s T-Rex.

Supergator

A super big alligator. SUPERGATOR.

Who is the winner?

Dinocroc ends up killing Supergator, but is then killed in an explosion. R.I.P. poor, misunderstood creatures.

The Cast

Best Scene(s)

Synopsis

Global warming is real, people. So real that it has melted enough of the arctic glaciers to unleash a baby Dinoshark! Adult Dinoshark then begins eating people a few years later. No lab experiments this time. Just some good ol’ “monster preserved by ice for thousands of years”.

The Beast

A shark so old is can be considered a dinosaur! DINOSHARK. An extremely large predator who has an insatiable appetite!

How Is It Defeated?

Originally thought to have been killed by a grenade blast, the Dinoshark rises again for vengeance!… only to be speared in the eye to death.

The Cast

Trailer

Synopsis

A “sequel” to Sharktopus. More scientists fucking shit up. This time they steal a Piranhaconda egg. Well guess what? The Piranhacondas (there are two of them!) want that shit back and will eat everyone in their path to get it.

The Beast

Basically a giant anaconda with the head of a piranha. Like 9/10 anaconda. Having the head of a piranha doesn’t exactly make it scarier. This is basically just a big snake with a slightly different head. I’d probably just prefer Superconda or Dinoconda or Condashark or Condapus or Mega Anaconda or maybe the body of piranha with a really long snake head/neck.

How Are They Defeated?

The first Piranhaconda is wounded by a grenade. The second Piranhaconda, sensing blood, decides that smells good and eats its mate. Hunk Bro and Hot Babe then lure the 2nd Piranhaconda to a waterfall where they blow it up with a bomb. They celebrate their victory with a kiss and then go on a date. A third Piranhaconda then appears and gobbles them up! WoOoOoah plot twist!!

The Cast

Trailer

Plot Summary

This is the first Syfy movie that I can remember being very “buzzworthy” on the internet. This was before the days of hybrid Syfy monsters. These were just regular, big fuckin’ versions of normal things.

There are many tremendous things that happen in this movie. Wikipedia already has a summary of the events:

Off the coast of Alaska, oceanographer Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson) is studying the migration patterns of whales aboard an experimental submarine she took without permission from her employer. Meanwhile, a military helicopter drops experimental sonar transmitters into the water, causing a pod of whales to go out of control and start ramming a nearby glacier. In the chaos, the helicopter crashes into the glacier, and the combined damage breaks the glacier open, thawing two hibernating, prehistoric creatures. MacNeil narrowly avoids destruction as, unknown to her, a giant shark and octopus are freed. Some time later, a drilling platform off the coast of Japan is attacked by the octopus, which has tentacles large enough to wrap around the entire structure. After returning toPoint Dume, California, MacNeil investigates the corpse of a beached whale covered with bloody wounds. Her employer Dick Richie (Mark Hengst) believes them to be from a tanker propeller, but MacNeil insists they appear to be from a creature. Later, she extracts what appears to be a shark’s tooth from one of the wounds. Elsewhere, the huge shark leaps tens of thousands of feet into the air from the ocean and attacks a commercial aircraft, forcing it to crash into the water. A review board convenes and fires MacNeil from the oceanographic institute for stealing the submarine. She brings the shark tooth to her old professor, former U.S. Navy pilot Lamar Sanders (Sean Lawlor), who believes it belonged to a Megalodon, an enormous species of shark believed to have become extinct 1.5 million years ago. The duo is visited by Dr. Seiji Shimada (Vic Chao), a Japanese scientist trying to determine what attacked the drilling platform. The four review a videotape recorded during MacNeil’s submarine voyage, finding images of both the megalodon and a gigantic octopus. MacNeil reflects on the polar ice caps melting due to man-made global warming, and wonders if the creatures are mankind’s “comeuppance”. Meanwhile, a U.S. “naval destroyer” engages the megalodon, but is destroyed after its guns fail to destroy the shark. MacNeil, Sanders, and Shimada are arrested by a team of soldiers and taken to government official Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas), a rude and racist man who demands their help in destroying the creatures. The four agree to help, in exchange for the government trying to capture the creatures for study rather than destroy them. While working at a naval laboratory to develop a method for luring the creatures, MacNeil and Shimada become attracted to each other and have sex in a utility closet. The incident makes them realize they can attract the creatures using chemicals. MacNeil and Sanders agree to place a trap for the shark in San Francisco Bay, while Shimada returns to Tokyo to attract the octopus. MacNeil and Sanders barely escape the shark after placing the trap with a mini-submarine. The plan fails, however, when the shark destroys another destroyer sent by Baxter. The shark then resurfaces and bites off a large portion of the Golden Gate Bridge, killing thousands of civilians. Later, Shimada contacts the Americans and says the Japanese trap only having the same disaster succeeded in angering the octopus, which has escaped despite multiple artillery and missile hits. Baxter suggests using nuclear weapons against the creatures, which MacNeil, Sanders, and Shimada strongly oppose due to the risk of marine devastation, coastal damage and human casualties. As an alternative, MacNeil suggests using the same pheromone traps to create a “Thrilla in Manila” by drawing the two creatures together. She believes that because the two creatures were frozen in ice locked in combat, they must be natural rivals and their aggressiveness towards one another will cause them to fight to the death if they’re lured together. MacNeil, Sanders, and Baxter are assigned to a submarine to find the shark and lure it to the North Pacific Ocean. After a short search, the submarine brings both the shark and the octopus to an ice trench off the Alaskan coast, where MacNeil first encountered the creatures. Sanders himself ends up piloting the sub after the original pilot loses his nerve and pulls a gun on the captain (Dean Kreyling) before he is overtaken. The octopus and shark begin to fight, Giant Octopus, wraps around Mega Shark, and tries to suffocate him. Mega Shark bites the tentacles to get free. They separate. Mega Shark attacks the submarine. dragging it in its mouth. MacNeil, Sanders, and Baxter man a rowing boat and detach just as the shark bites the larger submarine in half, killing the rest of the crew. The shark nearly destroys the rowing boat, but they are saved when a Japanese sub manned by Shimada fires torpedoes at it. The octopus entangles the Japanese submarine and nearly destroys it, but the sub is released after the octopus is attacked by the shark. The two creatures engage in a fierce battle, at the end of which, the octopus strangles the shark after the shark dismembers some of its tentacles, causing it to bleed to death. The two sink, dead, still locked from their battle. McNeil and the others, after watching the showdown between the two monsters, discover Shimada and his sub survived the octopus attack. The film ends with MacNeil, Sanders, and Shimada deciding to visit the North Sea after receiving infrared images of mysterious organic life there.

TL;DR

The military and scientists fucking shit up. Monsters also fucking shit up.

The Beast

Mega Shark

A giant prehistoric shark

Giant Octopus

A really big octopus

Who is the Winner?

Tie! They both kill each other. Or so we think! To be continued in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus! So I guess Mega Shark technically wins.

The Cast

Best Scene

This is easily the best scene in Syfy history. Don’t agree? Check out this infographic detailing precisely what had to occur in order for Mega Shark to accomplish this takedown:

Plot Summary

Again, Wikipedia has another detailed plot summary that I need not improve upon.

Deep in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, an illegal diamond mining operation is interrupted by the presence of a giant 150-foot crocodile. Meanwhile, on the Atlantic Ocean, the US Navy warship USS Gibson is attacked and sunk by the Megalodon that ended up surviving suffocation by the octopus in the first film. Lt. Terry McCormick (Jaleel White) who was experimenting with a sonic shark-repelling device, is the sole survivor of the attack. Back in DR Congo, an English hunter named Nigel Putnam (Gary Stretch) successfully captures the giant crocodile when it attempts to eat him and he injects his tranquilizer darts in its mouth. He then has the crocodile delivered to a shipping yard for his friends to load it in a cargo ship. In Los Angeles, California, McCormick is being interrogated by National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Special Agent Hutchinson (Sarah Lieving) for the USS Gibson incident. He feels responsible for the sinking, suggesting that his sonic device lured in the Megalodon. Because of this, he offers to help Hutchinson hunt down the Megalodon with his invention. Meanwhile, a cargo ship is carrying the tranquilized crocodile on the Atlantic Ocean 400 miles south of Florida. It is revealed that the ship is also carrying the crocodile’s eggs as well. Then, without warning, the ship is attacked by the Megalodon, waking up the crocodile from its sleep. Putnam & his partner Jean jumps overboard before the ship is destroyed in the ensuing battle. Aboard the aircraft carrier USS Lexington, McCormick is introduced to Admiral Calvin (Robert Picardo), who informs him that his elite crew has only one objective: to hunt down and destroy the Megalodon. McCormick is given a room aboard the carrier with the most advanced tracking equipment. Hutchinson is sent to a remote island to meet and interrogate Putnam, who had just washed up ashore following the cargo ship incident. Hutchinson is shocked when Putnam informs her of the crocodile he captured, as her team was only aware of the Megalodon. She then has him handcuffed and brought back to the carrier. Once there, the crew discover the appearance of eggs on another island. Adm. Calvin assigns McCormick to accompany Hutchinson and Putnam and capture an egg. Upon arriving on the island, they discover that the eggs are laid by the shoreline and are about to hatch. When the fin of the Megalodon is seen nearby, Hutchinson orders the Lexington to launch a missile strike on the island. As the team leaves the island, the Megalodon swallows the eggs, angering the crocodile while a squadron of F-18 Hornets fire their missiles at a cave holding more eggs. As the crocodile invades Miami and heads toward Orlando, McCormick suggests the use of an arc flash powered by the nearby Turkey Point Nuclear Generating Station to ward it off. The gamble works, as the arc flash sends the crocodile back into the sea. Back aboard the Lexington, Putnam suggests to dissect a crocodile egg to find its Achilles’ heel; the team is informed that one egg is aboard the submarine USNS Invincible and two are being transported by Black Hawk helicopters. They also discover that the Megalodon is attracted to the eggs, as it has devoured the Invincible and the Black Hawks transporting them. As no cage or trap is big enough to capture both creatures, Putnam suggests to lure both the Megaladon and crocodile into the Panama Canal, much to McCormick’s disapproval. The submarine USS Argonaut is sent to the wreckage of the cargo ship to retrieve some crocodile eggs. The retrieval mission is a success, and the eggs are dropped into the Panama Canal. Instinctively, both the Megalodon and the crocodile arrive at the canal, where they battle each other while being attacked by the Naval fleet. The fight causes a tidal wave that destroys the entire Panama Canal as both creatures continue to bite each other. It is later on revealed that the crocodile has adapted itself to lay more eggs during the time the Megalodon devoured the earlier batches. Hundreds more eggs have been laid all over the American coastline and are hatching. While crocodile hatchlings are attacking the Santa Monica pier, the nuclear submarine USS Carter is in pursuit of the two giant creatures, which are headed toward Hawaii. The Carter fires a nuclear torpedo at the creatures, but misses before it is swallowed by the Megalodon. This results in the Megalodon becoming an even bigger threat, as it has a nuclear reactor inside it. As the crocodile invades Hawaii, it causes the helicopter carrying McCormick, Putnam and Hutchinson to crash. With Hutchinson unconscious, McCormick and Putnam leave her and take a raft to drop McCormick’s sonic emitter in hopes of triggering an undersea volcanic explosion. The volcano explodes and kills the babies & the mamma’s. It send a huge explosion, sending them shooting in the air. (Each creature had the others tail.) McCormick and Putnam are then picked up by Hutchinson, who has recovered and reactivated her helicopter. The trio fly home and have a cup of tea, while the crocodile and shark now completely charred, sink into the volcano, still attached to each other. After the credits, Nigel meets up with Jean on a beach and mentions a giant lizard in Japan (Godzilla reference). He asks him if he’s up for it, and his partner says “On one condition – no more boats.” They shake hands and head off on another adventure.

My favorite part is when Mega Shark swallows the nuclear sub. It’s like I’ve always said: “The only thing more dangerous than a Mega Shark is a Mega Shark with a nuclear bomb in its stomach.”

The Beasts

Who is the Winner?

Tie! They both get killed while trying to kill each other.

The Cast

Best Scene(s)

Synopsis

Some animal activists release a bunch of pythons into the Everglades. The pythons kill a bunch of gators and rapidly grow in size. Some other people inject steroids into chickens and feed them to alligators. The alligators get huge and aggressive. A bunch of people, snakes, and gators die. Basic stuff here.

The Beasts

Who is the Winner?

Everybody dies!

The Cast

Best Scene(s)