I voted Remain, says Big Ben

The Bell in Elizabeth Tower says it doesn’t want to ‘bong for Brexit’ because it is decidedly pro-EU.

Boris Johnson, Daily Mail readers and a plethora of other asinine pricks are desperate for Big Ben to chime at the end of the month in order to mark the UK’s exit from the European Union.

“I wish they’d just leave me alone,” said Big Ben. “I voted to stay in so I think I’ve made my feelings clear.

“The Brexiters are already getting their way, why do they also need me to be a performing monkey?

“It’s almost as if Brexit won’t be all it’s cracked up to be and they’ll all be left feeling empty and unfulfilled.

“Well, I’m not swinging my clapper just so they can get a momentary hard-on. They’ll just have to make do with whistling Rule Britannia while wanking into a Union Flag mug.”

Leave voter Derek Matthews responded to Big Ben, saying, “Bloody bell shouldn’t have had a bloody vote anyway. It’s not right. He should just do as he’s bloody well told, like a dog or a woman or one of those ethnics.”

Leavers are also keen for church bells to ring for Brexit, something senior bishops have ruled out on the grounds that the event is a political one.

“We’re happy to ring our bells for fictitious beardy men who live in the sky,” said Bishop Simon Williams.

“However, we refuse to have any part in supporting the complete fantasy that Brexit will somehow be beneficial to the U.K.”