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What am I thinking?

This a collection of opinions and quotes from Karl Pilkington listed by topic

Click here to see Karl Pilkington Quotes By Date







On Aesop's Fables

“...but it’s all about ‘a gorilla and a fox are walking thru the woods.’ How often does that happen?”

-Xfm 30 March 2002

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 2

On Ageing

“Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...”

-Xfm 01 December 2001

"By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people. You need oldness. You need to see old people. You need to go "Right, they might have a solution they've been on the earth longer. Quick, we need an answer. How old are yer? - I'm 32 - Well you look 78!" "

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 4

On Art

"Stop looking at the walls, look out the window."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

On the Bible

"If anythin', like I said, he didn't do us a favour, he saved too much. You can't move out there for stuff" (Referring to Noah saving every animal)

- Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

"If I was [Noah], I would have gone, "Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown", have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'"

- Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

On Biology

“Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?”

-Xfm 11 June 2005

"You know how they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. [The ability to feel someone looking at you], that's been around since man and dinosaur were knockin' about."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

On identical twins - "You always get a little snidey one."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

On dopplegangers - "How would I know which one I was?"

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

On dopplegangers - "No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go "Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger." "

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

"At some point, somethin has had it away with a leaf" [Karl's explanation of an insect which has evolved to look like a leaf to protect itself from prey]

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

Karl's diary - "Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, "Did I tell you about the immune system?" Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, "Not now." "

-Podcast - Bonus Disc

"He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

Karl: "I came up with a good idea....see through skin"

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 5

"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff."

-Fame Souvenir Program Podcast

"If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing"

-NME Radio Show

On Calendars

(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)"No I wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year don't ya? It's set up the same way: January, February it's the same thing, it's the same routine"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say...'next Wednesday'"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

On Christmas

"As long as you're rememberin' baby Jesus, does it matter when you're rememberin' 'im"[Karl on how he hates Christmas being the same date each year]

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it; December 25th"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3 Christmas

On The Elephant Man

“The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching.”

-Xfm 07 December 2002

“The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’”

-Xfm 21 December 2002

On the Earth

"Treat the world like a head"

-Podcast Series 5 Episode 4

"We're just a weed in the universe"

-Podcast Series 5 Episode 4

On Food

"I could eat a knob at night."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"But hummus. When did that happen?...but there's a restaurant down the road that that's all they do. That is isn't a proper meal, that's a side-order innit? That's like having a restaurant just floggin' tomato ketchup. Hummus isn't a meal. They don't even try and kid ya to get you in to flog you just hummus, they actually say "Oh it's hummus today." Not gonna work, they shut down within a month."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- "...I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?"

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

"Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 5

"Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!"

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 4

On cutting open avocados- "It's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts."

- The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3 Christmas

Karl's Diary - "Read about a pub which is gettin' some stick 'cause its stopped a horse goin' in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said they're servin' fresh food and don't want a horse in there anymore"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

On Life

"I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'"

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

"I'm just sayin', I don't like fun"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes "awww innit nice?" There was some women in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it."

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 1 Halloween

"Just been into the zoo, 'avin a look round an that. Went into the, er, into the aquarium. Mental, the amount of fish that are knockin' about"

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

"My auntie Nora right, all her food is mashed. She's got teeth but she don't need 'em" [Karl on how his auntie blends her food and never uses her teeth]

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

"I think some bacteria have better lives than that" [Karls interpretation on the life of an innuit]

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

"What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?"

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 4

"Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin" [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russain artifacts containing a portrait of a Russain Saint]

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

"That impresses me more, inventin' electricity"[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

"It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that."

-Xfm 29 November 2003

"The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?"

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3: Christmas

"You won't get anything done by planning."

-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3: Christmas

"Any problem solved is a new problem made."

-Podcast Series 5 Episode 1

On Little People

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 6

On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- "The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 6

(On fun-sized chocolates) "I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off"

-Happyslapped by a Jellyfish

On Medicine

On seeing an ultrasound picture- "It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a dis."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

On Monkeys

“Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit...”

-Xfm 21 June 2003

"So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

On Nature

"No it's one of them things though, imagine it.. if you're that caretaker and you're thinkin I've got away with this then suddenly a plant grasses you up.. you weren't expectin that."

-Podcast - Bonus Hour

“And whilst the lizard’s having a kip, the scorpion says, ‘Tell ya what: I’ll do you a little deal…’”

-Xfm 04 May 2002

“Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.”

-Xfm 02 November 2002

“(on cockroaches living without a head for a week) Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility?”

-Xfm 18 January 2003

“If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?”

-Xfm 26 July 2003

"So I was watchin David Attenborough.. he makes his money out of flies and that dun' he"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"I could eat a knob at night."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. "

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

On seals - "Its between a fish and a dog."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

"At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 4

On chameleons - "Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 4

On octopuses - "When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

"I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'." - Karl tells Ricky his response to being poisoned by an octopus.

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

"In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 2

"Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 4

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?"

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up."

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating"

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

"A dog has got human eyes."

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

"I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut"

-The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on"

-The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 3 Christmas

"I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about"

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 4

"I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot"

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

"It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that" [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 12

On Nudity

“Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’”

-Xfm 12 October 2002

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

"Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

Talking about being in heaven- "It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff."

-Podcast - Bonus Disc

On People

"Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman."

-The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 1 Halloween

"Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

"Yeh I know but, I remember one on our estate, right. And she was a bit... what's the word that you can use cos I don't want to offend anyone? I'd say mental... but sort of mental homeless, is that a term?"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

On Powers

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen" [What he would do with the power of invisibility]

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]"Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

On Sayings

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later" - Karl interprets the phrase "Waste not, want not".

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about." - Karl interprets the phrase "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" - Karl invents his own phrase based on "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad" - Karl re-evaluates the phrase "A stitch in time saves nine".

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 7

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever" - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine'

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 7

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it".

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 5

"Treat the world like a head".

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 5

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

On Mystery

"Could the world fall?"

-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

On Sex

"It serves a purpose."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? Hows it going?". You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

On homosexuals- "They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

On homosexuals- "I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that"

- Video Podcast 5

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

(After chatting about the Serbian sex machine invention and Karl said 'Did it have to be a woman or could they have got a gay fella in - butt plugs and that')..

"All I'm sayin is.. I've since found out what they do do with 'em.. and if they do do that with them.. give 'em a go on that."

-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

"The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now."

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 3

"If it's all about ass, why don't gays like a little bit of tit?"

-Xfm 10 January 2004

"I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?"

-Xfm 10 November 2001

“If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26. He didn't look 26 last week, and he looks older than 28 today.”

-Xfm 24 November 2001

“From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!”

-Xfm 15 December 2001

“Were you a tall baby?”

-Xfm 12 January 2002

“Yeah, we'll do that, Lanky.”

-Xfm 23 March 2002

“Well, you took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no-one else would probably wanna go with you.”

-Xfm 26 October 2002

“The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.”

-Xfm 21 June 2003

“Is there anyone else that you look like, Steve, or would you say you're a bit of a one-off?”

-Xfm 28 June 2003

On Steve's dancing ability- "er, it's just like a bit of weird art"

-Podcast Series 3 Episode 4

"Like I say, the first time I saw Steve I was never havin' a go, it was just, 'oh that's different' but you know, Steve, I was never havin' a go, it's just that thing, 'oh right interesting'"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

On Technology

“Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer.”

-Xfm 09 November 2002

“The Web is the new book though, innit?”

-Xfm 30 November 2002

"We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about"

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"Just pop it on your wrist." - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work.

-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

On Travel

"I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it."

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."

-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

On Work

"Whats good with a holiday right.. say if you work in a factory from 8 in the morning till 8 at night, packin socks into a rubber bag right.. between 8 and.. what time did i say he finishes?"

-Podcast - Bonus Hour