Posted Wednesday, September 7, 2016 9:57 am

Hey folks, listen up. There’s a lot of wine out there being sold in these troubling times. Here we are in Michigan, which I’m told is a pretty good environment for the wine industry. Are Old Mission Peninsula or Fennville world-class wine regions? I don’t know. People are certainly saying things, very interesting things. Really smart people. And they say it’s good. Is it great? I don’t know.

But let me tell you about my winery.

Courtesy Photo

Trump Winery. This is real American wine. The best wine. We shouldn’t even be talking about wine not made in America. I’m telling you, we really did something special at our winery in Virginia. Really special.

I have to tell you I had no small hand in this. (My hands are quite large, I’m sure you know, like other parts of my anatomy, if you know what I mean.) We had experts taking a look at what vines would work and why. Good people. The best people. We had to do it right. We had to win. Our winery is in Monticello, as in Thomas Jefferson’s home. What’s more American than that? Probably a top five president, Jefferson. A real family man with a taste for American wine, let me tell you. You can look it up. It’s in all of the books.

You really should taste my 2013 chardonnay. Bright flavors of the tropics. Pineapple, red apple, buttery profile. It drinks like a California chardonnay, but without that West Coast liberalism. Our winery is in Virginia. Far enough away from D.C. that we don’t have to smell what’s going on up there. Just terrible, rotten stuff.

People are saying really good things about these wines. The people at Wine Advocate and Wine Enthusiast are paying attention. They’ve given great reviews to our wines. But the failing Wine Spectator doesn’t score our wines very well. Terribly biased. I mean, just really disgusting stuff, folks. They’ll be out in the street by this time next year. Useless.

The media isn’t covering this, but my wines come in half bottles as well as full bottles. I hear people spreading just nasty rumors we use half bottles so my small hands can hold them. Make no mistake, I will go after the people saying these things. My lawyers are incredible. The smartest people. Real people though. Real salt of the earth guys.

I have to mention — and please, hear what I’m saying here — our Meritage is fantastic. I know people want to pronounce that word “MARE-uh-tahj,” but that’s what the French want. We’re not going to play that game. You all know what’s happening in Europe. Just awful, terrible stuff. It’s “MARE-uh-tidge.” Rhymes with heritage.

And let me tell you, our heritage is the best. It really is. We have the best people. The best ideas. Some losers call this wine “overripe” or “lacking structure.” Why is more ripeness a bad thing? I call that winning.

Some loser said this wine tastes like California raisins crossed with a soggy soft pack of Camel Lights. Losers. I’m so sick of the losers of the industry. Like the French. They don’t know the first thing about winemaking. Sad!

You can get these wines for about $20 to $25 each. That’s a real middleclass wine right there. That’s a deal, and I know that, because I wrote “The Art of the Deal.” You shouldn’t have to spend $100 on a bottle of wine. That’s ludicrous. I mean, I do, but I’m rich. I have so much money. You don’t have as much money as I do. I’ve seen your town, ladies and gentleman. It’s terrible. I’ve heard you don’t even have casino in Lansing. Sad!

We make these wines for hard workers, families with smiling kids, people that put in real American effort. Crooked Hillary and the losers at the failing New York Times don’t want to make dinner great again. They think you should drink Italian sparkling lemon water with your croissant. Let’s have a real American meal like Virginia red wine and a Trump steak.

Try these wines. They’re fantastic. They really are. Trump wine, available in regular bottles and half bottles. DON’T SAY IT!

Not Donald Trump is in no way related to Justin King, a certified sommelier and co-owner of Bridge Street Social, a restaurant in DeWitt that doesn’t even serve Trump wines. Sad!