6 NSFW history lessons they never taught you in school

Culture By Will Brendza

Sex, drugs and deviancy are basic human nature. It’s nothing abnormal. It’s nothing new. It is, in fact, a huge part of history.

But the history generally presented in school is pretty PG: From hunter-gatherers to the industrial revolution, even the wars are described with a glazed censorship. Which, might mislead everyone into believing the noble nature of mankind has taken a modern nosedive into uncharted sexual eccentricity, drug abuse, explicit music, and low moral standards only recently …

Nope, we haven’t. Our flare for obscenity and madness is no different now than it ever was.

The CIA secretly dosed Americans with LSD everywhere

America likes to fancy itself above the kind of widespread, government funded drug programs like those the Nazis used. But we aren’t.

Between 1953 and 1964, before acid became the drug of choice for the Free Love movement, the U.S. government was running abominable psychological tests using it to discern potential as a means for torture, brainwashing and hypnosis. They thought communists were already using it to brainwash people, so they put together a little project called MK-Ultra to “keep up.”

As reported by historians, the CIA would lure subjects into custody using hookers as bait. The unsuspecting Johns, merely hungry for a quick lay, would get far more than they bargained for. After being tricked, they’d be taken to a room covered in brutal pictures of women in bondage and given a drink laced with LSD. Then, from behind a one-way mirror, government agents would hang out and watch the drug-fueled sex unfold.

Feds would also randomly slip Americans acid in different places: at bars, restaurants and even beaches — even going so far as to dose one of their own, a U.S. Marshal named Wayne Ritchie. Ritchie, a long-time cop and military vet, didn’t react well … and actually ended up trying to rob a bar at gunpoint.

After the government had its fun dosing Americans from coast to coast, they made LSD illegal, labeled it “highly-dangerous,” and plugged it onto the schedule I substance list.

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So addicted to sex, JFK would get migraines if he couldn’t get his rocks off

From prominent, well-known women like Marilyn Monroe, to strippers, airline stewardesses, and secretaries, “Jack” (as his close friends knew him) was a virulent sex-freak. Even after he married his gorgeous wife, Jackie O, he was an active extramarital explorer.

Kennedy was so sexually predisposed, he would reportedly get headaches if he couldn’t get any. And, according to sources, he’d casually discuss his threesome game with anyone willing to listen.

As a lover, one mistress described him as “nice — considerate in his own way, witty and fun. But he gave off light instead of heat. Sex was something to have done, not to be doing. He wasn't in it for the cuddling."

Famously, Marilyn Monroe’s sexy birthday song to him sparked rumors across the country the two were getting it on. Rumors that would, eventually, prove to be true. And in the 1940s, he dated Miss Denmark, a woman the FBI believed to be a spy because she was Hitler’s ex-“companion.”

Yes. Adolf Hitler and JFK are Eskimo Brothers.

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Mozart had a fascination with butt stuff, and even wrote songs about it

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s work has been idolized as some of the most elegant, beautiful, sophisticated music in history. He was also a foul-mouthed deviant with an inclination for scatology (a fascination with poop — click link with caution).

It’s true, the man famous for some of the greatest songs in musical history, like "Requiem Mass: Lacrimosa" and "March of the Turks," also penned classics like “Lick My Arse”, with eloquent lyrics like, “Lick me in the ass, quickly, quickly!”

Mozart also brought it up regularly, and usually sexually, in letters to his cousin Maria (who was also thought to be his lover):

Well, I wish you good night,

But first shit in your bed and make it burst.

Sleep soundly, my love,

Into your mouth your arse you'll shove.

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Hitler and his army were tweaked the fuck out on drugs

Hitler was many things. He was charismatic, he was determined, he was catastrophically racist — and generally extremely evil. He was also insanely hyped up on a drugs for most of World War II.

In fact, so was most of the Third Reich.

Nazi soldiers were supplied with millions of doses of methamphetamines, neatly packed in pills, and would gobble them up on the front lines like candy. The inexhaustible stamina the Nazis were famous for (sprinting tirelessly through the Ardennes and staying awake for up to 17 hours on end) stupefied alliance leaders like Winston Churchill. The infamous “Blitzkrieg,” which led to the fall of France, was less a matter of unwavering bravery and determination than a crystal-meth-fueled onslaught.

And, of course, The Führer himself was no stranger to narcotics. He had a private physician whose sole purpose was to pump “Patient A” full of every drug in the German book. He was not only regularly ingesting meth, but also high-grade heroin, and extremely pure swabs of cocaine along with daily hormone, vitamin and steroid injections. It was a regimen that would have made even William Burroughs shiver.

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The Dutch were once so upset with their Prime Minister they ate him

The Dutch don’t really like to talk about this one.

In the mid 17th century, the country was helplessly racked with financial problems, starvation, poverty and war after war after war. The people were fed up. Not disgruntled, or annoyed. They were “let’s lynch our politicians” level pissed off.

The Grand Pensioner (an equivalent position to Prime Minister) was a man named Johan de Witt. His brother, Cornelius, had been arrested after a violent political coup, and Johan, being the kindly thoughtful man he was, decided to go visit his brother in jail. Big mistake.

A crowd gathered outside the prison, which quickly turned into a lynch mob. They stormed the building, captured Johan (and took Cornelius out of his cell) and proceeded to butcher the brothers alive. In their wild, frenzied state the lynch mob actually devoured the bodies of the two men …

If only our current political problems could be solved so easily.

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It was Pharaoh’s religious duty to jerk off into the Nile every year

For many reasons, being a Pharaoh must have been a pretty rad gig. The people literally worship you as a god; you live in a massive palace, and even got a pyramid with some supernatural cats for a crypt.

And, for the sake of universal order, the Pharaoh was allowed — neigh obligated — to masturbate into the Nile every year.

According to anthropologists, every August the Pharaoh would ceremoniously march down to the banks of the Nile River, the life-source of his civilization, disrobe, and wank it. It was a thanks their creation god, and a way to ensure fertility of the land. The more of Pharaoh’s gentlemanly relish landed in the water, the better the year would to be.

[originally published December 14, 2017]