Pale, tingly, sweaty and numb with a heart beating quicker than Usain Bolt I sprang up from behind my desk on the 20th floor of the building in Canary Wharf, you know the one, the one with flashing light on top, and dashed out the fire exit. The plush marble lifts were most definitely not an option today!

I sprinted past men and women in suits to the Tesco Metro at the bottom of my building. In the confusion I realised I’d left my wallet on my desk so I grabbed a see-through plastic bag, filled it with fruit of all shapes and sizes and ran out without paying. I couldn’t peel the oranges due to my hands shaking uncontrollably so I devoured three apples and hailed down a cab – I could barely speak but I managed to mumble…”NHS Walk in centre”…the cabbie looked frightened for me which in turn made me more frightened. He waived the fare as it wasn’t even over the price of the starting fare to warrant payment – plus he could see I was dying.

I arrived, dishevelled, at the reception desk and asked to see a doctor Immediately as I was dying. The receptionist told me to take a seat and join the queue – “TAKE A SEAT? JOIN THE QUEUE? I’m dying!!!”……..I thought. The moment I sat down I started feeling slightly normal again. I waited half an hour to see someone and by the 20th minute of waiting I wondered why I was even there at all as I felt fine. I saw the doctor anyway and he listened to my heart, tested my blood pressure and shone a pen light in my eyes and ears. “You’ve just had a panic attack, my friend”…everything is perfect.

This was three and a half years ago. I’ve had approximately 10 panic attacks since but not one (touch wood) for about 6 months. For the last three and a half years I’ve suffered from panic’s best pal, ‘anxiety’, in pretty much all of its manifestations. I’ve suffered in the grips of attacks, the downright weird state of depersonalisation, the frightening bodily sensations, racing thoughts, you name it I’ve had it and it was all triggered off on that fateful day in August 2010 after a heavy night partying with no sleep.

For the first three years I struggled to tell hardly anyone about what was happening to me. I felt mentally weak, ashamed and embarrassed – I couldn’t even see a doctor for the first six months. I was a social, fun loving 26 year old professional living the life in London so I couldn’t fully understand what was happening to me, this couldn’t be happening to me I kept thinking. Well it did, and apparently it will happen to a third of us in our lifetimes. There have been some dark times; sitting in empty dark flats thinking I’ve got schizophrenia or clinical depression to missing out and making excuses to see friends because I was scared another attack may arise to a short period of refusing to travel by tube or reading newspapers for fear of an ensuing terrorist threat – all of which seem so stupid to you but this is the irrational mind of an anxiety sufferer. A lot of deep, dark and weird stuff happened over that first year before I thought ‘fuck this shit, I’m not doing this anymore’.

I read up and googled anxiety at pretty much every opportunity I had. I came across many articles some good/some bad, I watched YouTube videos, read books and watched DVDs around the subject, I started to understand the physiology behind it and the fact the chemical reactions involved in the brains and bodies of anxiety sufferers are perfectly normal. I understand now that my body’s ‘thermostat’ switch (the amygdala gland) which decides how much adrenaline to release in times of danger is switched unusually high. I also realised how widespread the issue is – millions in U.S and U.K suffer from some form of anxiety; Johnny Depp, Kate Moss, Adele, Scarlett Johanssen and more seemingly unflappable celebrities suffer from it. I really believed I didn’t need medicine and pills to prevent how I was feeling, Ive never been a fan of reaching for the medicine cupboard willy nilly and wasn’t about to start now. I was confident (and still am) I could cure this by literally changing the way I think, activating my mind to think differently in perceivably ‘dangerous’ situations and to slowly but surely reset that switch, and to a large degree I have succeeded.

As a result of self-diagnosing my anxiety I made sure I started exercising again so I started playing squash once a week, I joined a gym for the first time, started eating more healthily and started to listen to music more and more often. One of my biggest helps has been my discovery of meditation, yoga and the power of positive thinking. I went to a few sessions of each in London and learnt the essentials to practice on my own and it’s been nothing short of life changing. I don’t walk around in yellow robes and sandals chanting to myself, and despite my hairline I haven’t chosen a life of abstinence as a Buddhist monk. The whole practice just teaches you to be still, be present in the moment and to breathe properly – the essentials to de-stressing. All pretty simple stuff you might say? But when did you last inflate your lungs to the maximum capacity? (Do it now) When did you last clear your mind of all thoughts positive and negative? When did you last sit in silence without the distraction of TV, people or social media?

The 21st century is the age of hyper-connectivity. It’s constantly moving, constantly communicating, constantly connecting. More importantly more people feel the constant pressure and need to do all of those things which makes the mind unnaturally active, the brain is forever juggling, multitasking. I have an iPhone, an iPad and a laptop just at home, and of course I have all of this at work too, I never seemed to switch off, it was rare for me to go for an hour without looking at a screen. My phone awakens me by my pillow, I check the bus app to see how long I have to get ready before my bus turns up outside, I check the tube app to see where my inevitable delays lay, I download an article to read on my iPad to read on the train, I read and respond to work emails on my iPhone between reading the article on my iPad, I check my Facebook, I respond to a Whatsapp message, I text my boss to say I’ll be late because I’m Instagramming a scene of London – but of course she already knows this because she’s seen me tweet about it whilst also being able to see what I’ve listened to on Spotify whilst I was getting ready this morning – thank god I’ve given Snapchat a rest today! All this before hitting the office to sit in front of another screen for 8 hours or more. Ridiculous, right?

Powering down the internal urge to keep in contact with the outside world was not easy, in fact I probably haven’t powered down all that much, the difference is now I know how to switch off at crucial times…in the morning, a few times at work and before I sleep and, by switching off, I mean meditating. Some of this might sound like new age mumbo jumbo but historically groups of people around the world have been practicing this for centuries and there are huge swathes of articles and research to suggest the power of meditation can really affect you physically as well as mentally and spiritually. Some of the most happiest and content people in the world practice yoga and meditation, it takes you back to your self, you and who you are. You become mindful and conscious of everyday things and everyday beauty whilst becoming better able to focus your attention and energy on something positive. Rewiring your brain like this is the secret to getting over anxiety.

The only thing I’d change about having anxiety is that I didn’t do anything sooner to alleviate the symptoms it brings. It’s an ugly dark cloud that will probably always be with me to some degree but the progress I have made since my first panic attack still astounds me, people can go decades on medicine and pills and still not make the progress I have, this makes me proud but it also makes me feel responsible, if you found something that helped you overcome something that so many people deal with, you’d share it right?

Anxiety won’t kill anyone, it’s not a disease you can catch, we’re not loonies, it’s a temporary condition of the mind. Our bodies are actually in an advanced state, my body is able to spot danger and react accordingly quicker than most so it’s not all bad. All I would say to you as a ‘normal functioning’ member of society is be mindful of that friend or member of your family who on occasions makes excuses not to turn up to social fun occasions, be mindful of that friend or family member who seems distant or who’s routine behaviours might have changed drastically. As an anxiety sufferer it’s not easy to tell people what you’re experiencing because the stigma around mental health is still stuck in a time similar to where you would be sent to Bedlam Hospital and labelled a lunatic or a maniac. Thankfully, that’s a slight over exaggeration, it is changing but it’s changing slowly and I just hope posts like this make it easier for people to open up.

“A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety” Aesop

If you’re looking for a bloody good intro to meditation then download a free app called Headspace.

Good luck. Tom