compiled by Rivers McCown

FOR GENERATIONS, YOUR PUNY PLANET HAS LIVED IN PEACE WITH THE DOLPHIN HOMEWORLD, BUT NOW, FOR NO REASON, WE CHALLENGE YOU TO DEFEND YOUR HONOR

"Hey, if you want to see if I can tackle, you put on some pads, homeboy. Don’t get mad. Why you’re going to criticize the team in your own hometown, boy? You’re supposed to support the home team." -- Dolphins linebacker Kevin Burnett, to an unnamed Miami beat reporter about negative comments (Miami Herald)

MILES AUSTIN WOULD DEFINITELY BE DOUBLE-COVERED AT THE GOAL LINE, WE'RE SURE

"I'm just glad the third-best receiver on their team is on our team." -- Lions coach Jim Schwartz, after Rob Ryan implied that Calvin Johnson was not as good as Miles Austin or Dez Bryant (Twitter)

THEY ALSO OCCASIONALLY DECIDE TO PLAY DEFENSE

"It's not like Jacksonville, where they line up in one spot and never move or do anything different." -- Patriots guard Logan Mankins, on the Jets defense (Twitter)

"SURE WILL. WHAT CHARITY WILL YOU BE REPRESENTING UP THERE?"

"The fun will be in February when you guys are interviewing us up in Indy. That’ll be fun." -- Redskins running back Tim Hightower, answering a question about how much fun he'll have on his bye week (Pro Football Talk)

THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY A SKILL IF YOU WEAR THE MASK

"I can even speak without you knowing that I am speaking." -- Texans defensive end / professional ninja Antonio Smith, explaining his ninjitsu skills (Houston Texans official website)

POWERSTRIPE INVISIBLE SOLID OR POWERGEL?

"There is no right guard controversy in football that I'm aware of. I mean I could understand a quarterback controversy, I could understand us talking about that. But, I'm not aware of any right guard controversies, or how many times the defensive lineman play in a certain rotation, or how many snaps running backs play, and is there a rotation. That's just all part of football. But, I don't think there's a guard controversy." -- 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, on why Chilo Rachal is losing snaps (San Francisco 49ers official website)

WE HAVE ALSO GONE AHEAD AND SUSPENDED LAWRENCE TAYLOR ONE YEAR FOR SOLICITING THAT UNDERAGE PROSTITUTE

"In my judgment, allowing players to secure their own ineligibility for college play in order to avoid previously determined disciplinary consequences for admitted conduct reflects poorly not on college football -– which acted to discipline the transgressor -– but on the NFL, by making it into a sanctuary where a player cannot only avoid the consequences of his conduct, but be paid for doing so." -- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, on upholding his suspension for Terrelle Pryor (NFL Communications)

THE ONLY THINGS THE OLD OFFENSIVE LINE DID BETTER THAN US IS SUCK AND DIE!

"Contrary to everyone’s belief, we don’t suck. We’re good players and we play well. It comes down to everybody executing. It takes all 11 guys. It doesn’t take five offensive linemen to make a running play go." -- 49ers offensive lineman Joe Staley, on the state of the offensive line (San Francisco Chronicle)

YOUR APPLICATION WILL PROBABLY BE TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY THAN JERRY GLANVILLE'S, WHICH IS ALSO A PLUS

"You just go online, and you can fill out the questionnaire, and then, you're applied to be in the CIA. Who wouldn't apply for something like that? If I weren't a football coach, I'd be in the CIA, that's for sure." -- Portland State head coach Jerry Glanville (The Oregonian)

I AM SO SMART! I AM SO SMART! S-M-R-T!

"Well, it’s not painful because I watch it for the kids. I could care less about Maryland. I’ve burned my diploma. I'm flying a Georgia Tech flag right now." -- Georgia Tech coordinator Ralph Friedgen, on if it is painful to watch his former team (Washington Times)

I'M SURE ROGER GOODELL WOULD SUSPEND YOU FOR THAT IF YOU GOT A NEW JOB WITH AN NFL TEAM

"I could tell you, but I'd have to shoot you." -- Florida assistant coach Charlie Weis on who will start at quarterback for the Gators on Saturday (GatorSports.com)

AREN'T YOU? YOU DO PLAY NEXT TO DARRELLE REVIS

"I hope I'm a target this game. I want to be a target every game." -- Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie, on this week's game against the Patriots (AP)

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

"Can somebody help me out? Who was Steve Jobs!" -- Ravens tackle Michael Oher, posting on Twitter from his IPhone (Sports Grid)

ALL THE TIME

"If you write a good article, do you surprise yourself?" -- Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, asked if he was surprised by how quickly his transition to the NFL has gone (The Times-Picayune)

YOU'RE MICHAEL ESSIEN?

"No, I have three lungs. Yeah, I got three lungs so I got one on reserve. Whenever one gets a little empty I tap into the other one." -- Texans running back Arian Foster after taking 30 carries in his first game back from a hamstring injury against the Steelers (Toro Times)

GIVE US HELL, QUIMBY!

"It’s a funny thing, the way simple lighthearted banter can change gears so quickly, but that’s part of the amazing world of sports fanatics. You don’t want me to be boring, but as soon as I’m entertaining I’m crossing a line. You can’t have it both ways." -- Redskins tight end Chris Cooley, defending his comments about Tony Romo (Chris Cooley's Blog)

NOBODY'S SAYING THAT, BUT I'M CERTAINLY THINKING IT LOUDLY!

"These failures are individual failures. Failures of individual athletes [and] as you know, unfortunately, an individual coach, and a booster. So it's not a systemic failure of compliance. … These were individual decisions by individual people." -- Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith, on the latest Buckeye suspensions (The Columbus Dispatch)

I DON'T THINK RIVALRIES OVER CONFERENCES IS A SENTIMENT THAT A COACH NAMED GARY PATTERSON CAN CO-SIGN, RILEY

"We're going to go on about our business, but they're not going to get the same help anymore -- not about a ballgame, not about conferences, not about anybody. They're getting no help from Gary Patterson, period," -- TCU head coach Gary Patterson (surprise!), on perceived disrespect shown to him by SMU (New York Daily News)

FLICKA'ING INTERCEPTIONS ALL OVER THE PLACE

"He's a wild stallion in his own rights, and that's one of the things I really like about Robert Marve. If he didn't throw so well we would make him an outside linebacker or safety because he's a tough guy. If you needed someone in the foxhole with you, Robert Marve would be a guy that you would want to have your back." -- Purdue coach Danny Hope, on his quarterback's Twitter feed (Lafayette Journal & Courier)

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