We’ll be saying a big hello to all intelligent lifeforms everywhere and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys.

As soon as I started to think about analytics in fiction, I thought about the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. The running theme of this series, if there is such a thing, is the continuing search for the reason behind existence itself… the ultimate answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Yes, it’s 42. You’re very smart. Shall we continue?

There are many living beings and many computers in the series worthy of review in terms of analytic contributions. I could start with Deep Thought, of course. Or Hactar. Marvin. Eddie. Slartibartfast. The Earth itself. We could even discuss Vogon poetry, as long as we don’t have to listen to it. And we’ll get to them another day, if another day is willing to entertain them.

When I began, however, it occurred to me that Douglas Adams managed to create and describe one of the most popular, well-known, and successful data/analysis packages in existence. I’m talking about the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Galaxy. The real one in the books, not the really real one that is the books.

Take a minute.

Let’s talk about just how incredibly well this fictional, impossible work represents every successful analytic and reference tool ever sold in the unfashionable end of the Western spiral arm of the galaxy.

And let’s get this out the way: I am going to use quotations from the books. I am not going to give you page numbers, chapter numbers, or even which title to check. If you haven’t read at least the first three books of the trilogy by now, then stop what you’re doing. Flee into the wilderness and cry incessantly as you realize how completely you have wasted your life.

Or read the books. Then come back and finish my article. Because my article will tell you some actual lessons this fictional work can teach you, the presumably nonfictional reader. Plus, I want the page views.

Making Sales

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

No other string of words in the history of mankind has offered better advice on sales and marketing.

I’ve seen make-or-break purchasing decisions made by individuals, small business managers, and Fortune 500 executives based on less. Price and presentation take precedence over product and proficiency.

Do I need to simplify? Fine. You are working with bad data and lousy tools because someone put on a good show and managed to underbid the competition.

Contractual Obligations

That’s why sales contracts are generally 1% pricing, 2% delivery, and 97% legal nonsense. Approximately. And the Guide has this one covered perfectly.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim, that where it is inaccurate it is at least definitively inaccurate. In cases of major discrepancy it’s always reality that’s got it wrong.

In simpler terms: The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

How many promises are made during the sales process that are retracted, forgotten, or dropped during implementation and maintenance? As complexity increases, so does the difficulty in making any sense of the end result. At the least the Guide is honest about its dishonesty.

Analysis and Presentation

This is not to imply, in any way, that the Guide is useless. In fact, it is quite good at relating complex concepts in a manner that even semi-evolved simians can understand. Yet another reason why it is so successful.

Let’s look at a rather useful example, shall we?

Here’s what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. It says that alcohol is a colorless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based life forms.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. It says that the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy sells rather better than the Encyclopedia Galactica.

One source provides accurate, scientific information. The other provides a concise yet popular opinion (which is also, if coincidentally, true). Keep that in mind next time you’re working on a six-month analysis of industry trends.

Assumptions and Parameters

Merriam Webster defines a fact as “ a piece of information presented as having objective reality.” Note that nothing in that definition denotes truth. A fact can be proven true or false. This is slightly off-topic, I know. I just like making people aware of it because it confuses them.

It is relevant, however, because every report, model, and analysis in existence relies on a set of assumptions and parameters that are inherently subjective. That’s okay. Changing the parameters changes the results. Just be honest about it. Jeez.

We want the assumptions known. We want the parameters exposed.

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

I would’ve rewritten this article a thousand times to find a proper use for that quote, even though it really belongs in the future piece I’ll be writing about Deep Thought. But it’s just so damned perfect in this line of work.

Coming Soon

We will be revisiting the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Analytics, moving through the list of people and things and things that are people (sorry to offend). Maybe we already have. The Campaign for Real Time has been on my case about rewriting the past for my own convenience, but, in my defense, I have been taking management classes lately.

In the meantime, keep reading. Keep working. And always- always- know where your towel is.