VICTORYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Bitter sweet victory, but a victory nonetheless. Clarke is BACK (bitches)! Her 5-episode-long battle for her own mind came to a close in Matryoshka, and man was it ever satisfying. So why was it ‘bitter sweet’, you ask? Because we lost a fierce, intelligent, layered, borderline-sociopathic total Sass Queen.

Goodbye, Josephine. I realize your brain-o-plug is still functional, but even if we do see you again, it won’t be within ANOTHER total Queen, so… we mourn you.

Other satisfying victories include: the return of Gaia, Echo being Echo, the Beautiful Creepster doing what he does best (figuring out ways to survive), and last (and absolutely not least) a Blake sibling reunion. And on top of all that awesome, there were so many hugs!! GET OUT OF MY DREAM JOURNAL, THE 100!

Matryoshka opened on Clarke’s race to Gabriel’s place, and the glorious bickering that ensured between our girls. They took a spill (it’s hard to drive a motorbike when your brain is melting) and had to hunker down in a hidey-hole of science.

They had some girl-talk about Jo and Gabriel’s relationship; the ups, the downs, the murder attempts. Clarke flat-out asked if Gabe would still love Jo enough to hold off on destroying her mind-drive, and Jo was like, “ppppffffftttttttt, whatever.”

Then our girl(s) had a seizure, pleasing NO ONE.

Meanwhile, Simone returned with Abby and Raven, and the news that the blackberry juice was poofed out of an airlock with a hunk. Russel, in turn, told her that their daughter is being mind-napped by a badass Queen, and has forest-eloped with a dreamboat. Both of them were like, “damn this is A LOT,” but then Simone was like, “when in Rome,” and told Abby that Clarke has been “dead” for a while.

Then, because that wasn’t ENOUGH news, Russel was like, “oh yeah, that cute kid murdered one of our pals.”

Simone REALLY wanted to burn them all at the stake (!), but Russel whittled her down to only murdering ONE of them. A perfectly reasonable compromise. I can see how they stayed happily married for so long.

Gaia!!!! Hi Gaia! When she was banished, I assumed she left Sanctum and was wandering around in FernGully, but NOPE! Here she is, ready to save her Heda no matter what false Gods and creepy Grim Reapers stand in her way!

She and Echo were creeping on Riker as he told some Sanctumites that everything they’ve ever believed and sacrificed for is bullshit, which he did because Echo blackmailed him with the knowledge that he was a traitor or whatever. Hahhaha, Echo, you wiley minx! Once they found out about the imminent execution, she handed Rike her bow and was all, “make this even more awesome than it already is, so that *I* can be even more awesome than I already am.” Girl is gonna shoot her some Primes!

Simone gave them a the choice of who should be executed and everyone unanimously was like, “Murphy, obvs,” and he was like, “yeahhhhhhhh, I get it.”

Madi spilled the beans on the Beautiful Creepster’s goings-on this season, and Abby was NOT pleased about it (despite, or perhaps because of, her special bond with him). In her defence, she just lost the love of her life and has no one to blame or be angry with about it. Now she’s presented with someone to blame and be angry with for the possible loss of her daughter, and she very enthusiastically took it. At this point Abby feeling ANYTHING is a win in my books.

It’s interesting to compare this Abby to the one who refused to give Finn to the Grounders to be punished, even though it could have prevented a war. It’s almost like two different women. The woman with hope. The one without.

Madi’s little smile any time there was violence or discontent was creepy as shit. I want that Nazgul out of her head, STAT!

Clarke passed out and woke up in her Mind Studio only to find Josephine’s shit all over the place (including her core trauma). The barrier between their minds was gone and now they had to share a room, but neither one could agree on a cleaning schedule or a no-fun policy.

Instead of stright-up murder, which would have meant losing their bargaining chip with Russel, Clarke decided to just delete Jo’s memories, freeing some space for Clarke to stretch and practice her interpretive dance.

Back at Sanctum, Raven was in the middle of giving Murphy a preachy pep-talk about avoiding “hell” by not being the worst, when she was interrupted by an awkward reunion.

While Gaia was filling them in on the plan to murder the Sanctum King, Russel himself was enjoying a fancy lunch with his fellow false Gods. Then they got a fun visitor who was like, “why isn’t there pie?” and they were like, “there’s cake,” and he was like, “but pie is my favourite,” and Simone rolled her eyes all, “cake is just as delicious,” and he was like, “THAT’S NOT THE POINT,” as he broke a glass and stabbed her in the throat, and as she fell she was like, “was that pun intentional, orrrrr???”

Basically Rando Dad was NOT pleased about the revelation that his son was sacrificed to some trees for nothing, so he decided to let out his frustration by creating some drammmmaaaa, and killing a Prime (I’m sorry, Selina, I know how much she meant to you).

Jo made Clarke watch a sweet romantic moment between her and Gabriel right after they mind-murdered their second victim. Awwwwwwww. Clarke must have felt guilty for creeping, because she let Jo keep it. When they came out, Jo picked up the memory of her dad murdering her that one time, and it turned into an axe.

I’m sure that’s fine.

Clarke’s Mind-Ship was being overrun with Jo’s messy memories, so she vented them all, metaphorically throwing all of Jo’s belongings on the front lawn for the neighbours to see. This happened just in time for Jo to wake up in their body, all tangled up in killer tree roots. Hahahha, these girls are NOT having a great time lately!

But fear not! It was Gabe and Octavia to the rescue!! Honestly, the look on Octavia’s face when she said, “Clarke,” made me disproportionately happy. I am so excited for these two to finally share some quality screen-time and become best friends forever and ever and ever.

Anyway, Jo completely and totally 100% threw every single person under the bus by calling out to the guards to come and fetch her. She was all, “kill off a main character (LOL), and then bring me and my BF home for some cuddles”.

Bellamy!!! It was Bellamy, you guys! I won’t lie, as soon as the shots started firing, my heart was like, “DIYOZA!” but this was better, and resulted in the first awesome hug of the night.

Okay, so maybe Bellamy wasn’t as into it as Octavia was, but that’s just because he doesn’t know she went through a drug-induced-anomaly therapy session and came out a better person. He’ll come around.

Back in the cozy Sanctum prison, the Squad was discussing Sheidheda right in front of him, and also the pros and cons of possibly murdering a child.

They can’t take the Flame out of Madi’s head because she’s changed the password, and they can’t let her lead the army of wonkru/criminals. WHAT A PICKLE!

Raven was all, “the chip in your brain is tech, and therefore my bitch” (I’m paraphrasing). Basically, if the other commanders can be isolated, that means that Sheidheda can be deleted. There’s hope for Madi yet!

Buuuuuuuuut not for the rest of the Adventure Squad, because after Simone’s death, Russel was NOT playing about those executions. So off they popped to be burned at the stake like a bunch of 17th century witches, much to the delight of a certain quasi-possessed child general.

Then it was showtime! And what is a stake-burning without a little razzle-dazzle?

Russel made a speech that perpetuated the myth of his godliness while justifying the executions. But don’t even worry about it because Echo was on the case!

*sigh* RYKERRRRRRRR! We had such high hopes for you! He knocked her out, preventing Russel’s assassination, and condemning the squad to a fiery death.

EXCEPT!

The Beautiful Creepster brought up the idea of using bone marrow to replicate the nightblood serum, and Abby shrugged and was like, “sure, fine,” so the Squad was taken off the stakes and lived to adventure another day, walking away as the screams of Daddy Rando rang through the air.

Back at Gabe’s operating hangout, Jo was giving it one last ditch effort to keep the ferrari that is Clarke’s body, by appealing to Gabriel’s love for her.

But our boy Gabe is a reformed immortal, and did the procedure anyway, taking Jo’s USB out of Clarke’s head.

Clarke hit some Jo-sized turbulence that tried to kill her, but then in a FREAKING BEAUTIFUL sequence, Bellamy gave her CPR and pep-talked her back to life.

Just one platonic soulmate passionately embracing another platonic soulmate after flat-out refusing to let her slip beyond the brink of death. As one does.

And there you have it! Another episode that put us through all the emotions, and then wiped our tears with sweet rosepetals. Clarke is back. Jo is gone-ish. Madi has gone a bit bonkers. The Blake siblings are back in action. Octavia SMILED. It was a big episode.

What did you guys think? Were you scared for the lives of our plucky Squad? Are you sad to see Jo gone, even though she killed babies? Are you wildly excited for a Clarke/Madi/Abby reunion?? Are you even more excited for an interaction between Clarke and MURPHY??? Teee heeeeeeee!

I’m worried for our Squad in the sense that I don’t think they realize yet who the true Big Bad is this season. It isn’t Russel. It wasn’t Jo. It isn’t any of the Primes, or Sanctum, or the Children of Gabriel. Sheidheda is going to sneak into the role of Big Bad the same way ALIE did in season 3. No one saw her coming. We thought she was the C story… B story at best. And then BAM, bitch is sitting on Lexa’s throne!

Mark my words. Enemies will turn into allies once they realize the true threat. Who knows, maybe they’ll even need Jo’s expertise. #JobotToTheRescue

SOME STUFF

Every actor on this show is bringing their A game, but special episode shout-outs to Eliza Taylor and Bob Morley for that seriously touching not-death scene, and to Lola Flannery, who is nailing her descent into Sheidmadness.

IF Jo’s drive somehow makes it into another nightblood, how many of her memories are still intact? Is it just her memory of dancing with Gabriel 2.0? What kind of person would she be without the knowledge of all the terrible deeds she’s done? JUST LET JO BE ON THE ADVENTURE SQUAD, is what I’m saying. #JobotForever

HOW IS JORDAN THOUGH

That Mackson hug!

What is Echo’s bow made of??? That looked very cool, and possibly the work of Raven.

Both Madi and Clarke are spending the season battling for control of their own minds. What a fun mother-daughter activity!

Clarke referring to parts of her body as “our” was heartwarming, and made me long for the friendship that shall never be. OR WILL IT????? (Please give us the Jobot we deserve)

Fun parallel of both Jo and Clarke waking up to see/hug their person.

Hey remember when Madi saw Becca being burned alive by the Second Dawn cult that one time? HMMMMMMMMMMM………..

There are many villains I could have referenced with Madi’s creepy smirks, but Ursula just felt right.

So the OG Shadeheida killed a bunch… just a WHOLE WACK, before finally being killed by his (4th) Flamekeeper. No wonder he’s weary of Gaia!

Gabriel may have been the initiator of Sanctum Live-a-thon, but it seems he hasn’t been cool with it from the beginning. He wanted to save Jo and only Jo. Walking that sweet gray The 100 line, I see!

Speaking of, Gabe’s heartbroken look at Jo’s flatline HURT ME.

I really, really, REALLY need Echo to survive. For a myriad of reasons. Just don’t kill Echo. Seriously. Don’t do it.

Go watch True Lies right now.

Yes, I googled “monkey eating cheetos,” and yes, the internet delivered.

OKAY THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!

