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“ILLEGAL dumping was in danger of getting a bad name for itself unless we changed our ways,” said notorious Waterford fly-tipper Ian Heelan, while studiously separating his rubbish into ‘General Waste’, ‘Organic/Compostable’ and ‘Recycling’ piles ahead of a dumping session.

“We had to move with the times, or else we’d look like we just didn’t give a damn”.

Heading off to one of the county’s most picturesque beauty spots to find a suitable place to discard his van load of garbage in broad daylight, Heelan outlined the blow back he received on social media after the last time he dumped a month’s worth of rubbish in the countryside.

“Of course, they didn’t know it was me, but their comments hurt me the same,” said Heelan, pulling up at an as-yet unspoiled part of the Waterford countryside.

“Dirty bastards’ this, ‘I’d fuckin’ kill them’ that… and it just struck me that I hadn’t brought my rubbish-removal practices into line with today’s separate-and-recycle methods”.

As he emptied out his plastic bags of rubbish into the greenery around him, Heelan is very careful not to throw away a perfectly good plastic bag, another environmentally friendly tip he learned, before the 43-year-old father of three took us through a typical day in the life of a fly-tipper.

“See, ya gotta be aware that some other poor saps have to come and clear all this up after me, so why make their job any harder than it has to be?” said Heelan, giving his ‘paper’ pile the once over to make sure he didn’t leave any incriminating envelopes with his address on them.

“You’ve got your mattress pile, you’ve got your old paint can pile; it’s all colour coded and arranged by size. It’s forward-thinking fly-tipping, and I encourage my fellow ‘dirty bastards’ to do their bit!”.

Unfortunately, all of Heelan’s good work was undone by a strong gust of wind shortly after he drove away, as well as several wild creatures who had the audacity to get tangled up in his plastic pile and die, totally ruining his effort.