WASHINGTON—In an effort to determine whether it should even bother trying anymore, the U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp with an anus on it Thursday to see if people these days still care what is on their stamps. “We’ve put some pretty cool stuff on our stamps recently—a T. rex, the U.S.S. Missouri, Marvin Gaye—but does anyone really notice or appreciate the effort that goes into them?” said Postmaster General Megan Brennan, explaining the new stamp would be the first of several to feature hand-painted, photorealistic depictions of the puckered orifice. “Our plan is to find out by issuing a succession of increasingly graphic anus stamps over the course of the next year, from commemorative illustrations of the anuses of U.S. presidents to a ‘Sphincters in Space’ series honoring the bravery, and anuses, of America’s astronauts. If there’s an outcry, that’s fine, because then we’ll have confirmed people are still paying attention. Either way, there will be hairy assholes on all of your stamps from now on.” At press time, sources reported the Postal Service had received such an overwhelmingly positive response from the general public and stamp collectors alike that it was struggling to keep up with demand.

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