Edmond, Oklahoma (The Weekly Vice) - Ailene B. Brown, 28, and Shmeco Vashon Thomas, 37, of Oklahoma City were jailed Wednesday after they allegedly attempted to shoplift thousands of dollars in merchandise by hiding the items under their breasts and between rolls of body fat. According to police, officers were called to the TJ Maxx in Edmond on a report that loss prevention officers had detained two large women that were observed hiding thousands of dollars in merchandise amid the nether regions of their anatomy. Investigators say when the women were searched, officers found $2,600 worth of merchandise, including three pairs of jeans, four pairs of boots, a wallet, and some gloves. Officers state that the women were actually hiding items in their folds of skin and fat, as well as their purses. Brown also had a knife in her purse, which was used to cut the tags off the items they allegedly intended to steal. Brown and Thomas were booked into jail and charged with felony shoplifting.

This is one of those cases of don’t hate the player hate the game. Like what were these ladies supposed to do? Hide the clothes in their purses? Thats amateur shit. If you’re fat enough to hide things in your fat rolls and you enjoy shoplifting as a hobby, you’d be a fucking fool to not go around stealing shit left and right.

There’s nothing worse in life than unused talent. So if god and Ronald McDonald gave you fat rolls to hide those fresh pair of Levis in, you really have no choice but to do it. It just makes to much sense not to.

PS

Really this just comes down to bad luck. I bet they got that one receipt checker at TJ Maxx that takes his job WAY to seriously. You know the guy, the one that makes you point out everything you bought, checking off all 75 items. Those guys are the worst.

Just give me a check mark with your pink highlighter and be done with it. No need to get technical bro. This isn’t Fort Knox, If I’m stealing, I’m stealing a 6 gallon jug of animal crackers that cost me $2.99.