Okay here we go, the 8th and final season of Game of Thrones. I’M SURE IT WILL BE GREAT. *Homer backing into bush gif*. If you’ve read my recaps through reactions before, you know that I write my reactions of each episode to my pal, then painstakingly go through our messages and compile them all here.

[Fun fact: the very first post I ever did was “Toni Watches Game of Thrones” (on tv.com 7 years ago), which is how the Toni Watches handle was born.]

This time I’ve included some photo-recap style pics because it’s the last season and I AM WHO I AM.

Buckle up.

Winterfell

[I sent my pal (and posted) a reaction-video for the first episode, but that didn’t feel like my style, so I went back to writing.]

Every time this opening theme plays all I can think of is the Peter Dinklage video.

This little boy climbing a tree is cute and all, but this episode is an hour and there is A LOT of stuff I want to see. We can’t be wasting time on strange boys when the characters we know should be hugging, you know? I just want every single person to hug.

HI ARYA YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE GO HUG SOMEBODY!!! As if Jon just rode on by without seeing her. Boy, you should just SENSE your sister’s awesomeness from afar and jump off that horse into a forty-five minute hug.

Gendry!

The HOUND! OMG where’s Brienne? I want those two to have some jokes.

BRAN AND JON HUG MY HEARTTTTTTTT!!!! Bran was like, “I’m weird now,” and Jon was all, “yeah, obviously.”

Sansa hates Dany, and I just really want them to have one of those drunk moments where they realize they have something in common, like they both hate shaving their legs or something, and then they become best friends.

Tyrian: “heyyyyyyyyyy ‘member when we were married?” Sensa: “uh huh.” I LOVE THESE TWO. Is it weird I want them to get married for real? I don’t care, I WANT IT.

Sansa has sass for days.

I remember a time when I disliked her very much, and honestly could NOT care what happened to her. Now I’m ride or die for that fiery vixen, and I don’t care who knows it. Tyrian’s line to her about how everyone underestimated her, and now she’s a FREAKING BOSS was pretty great, because it’s very true.

“Last we saw each other was at Joffrey’s wedding. Gruesome affair.” “

“It had its moments.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA FOR ETERNITY

JON AND ARYA ARE REUNITING but why aren’t they hugging?? They’re exchanging barbs but no hugs.

Nevermind, there they go. *happy sigh*

Cercei is, and has always been, a wanker. She just found out the “dead have broken through the wall,” and she was all, “good.”

WAAAAAAAAAANKERRRRRRRRRR

HAHAHAHHAHA BITCH WANTS ELEPHANTS

I swear to Ice Cream, if Bronn kills either Jamie or Tyrian with that damn crossbow…

“I’m going to put a prince in your belly.” Ewwwwwwwww hey Creepy Creepo, CREEP MUCH?

Theon saved his sister and then she HEADBUTTED HIM, and now they’re best friends again. I enjoyed that immensely.

That dragon ride was about 15 minutes too long. Great CGI, guys, now shut it down.

ARYA AND THE HOUND REUNION, then ARYA AND GENDRYYYYYYYYYYY… this is all I wanted. I can turn it off now. BUT I WON’T.

“Heyyyyyyyy bud, so good news bad news, you’re actually the king of everything, and you’re sexing your aunt. Want some ice cream?” Haha, Sam did NOT mince words. He wants that boy to be king so bad.

Sam turned on Dany pretty fast. I get that she killed his family, but like… politics, man.

IF THAT ADORABLE BEARDED WILDLING BEAST DIES I SWEAR

GAHHHHHHH NOPE. No thank you. I’m not okay with the severed-limb art installation, I am not okay with the little boy zombie and I am not okay with his screams that will haunt my nights until the end of time. I’d like to lodge a complaint.

Side note – do we know where Hot Pie is? Is he okay? Is he safe? I worry.

Bran and Jamie!! Jamie was the “old friend” Bran was waiting for. Gaaahahahhahaahha shit is about to get REAL AWKWARD.

A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

Everyone is hating on Jamie, then our girl Brienne steps in all, “my queen, if you could not be a cock block, that would be great.” These two are IN LOVE and no one can convince me otherwise.

“My weapon?” – “I’ll get right on it.” That was the best bit of intense, dark flirting I’ve ever seen on any television show. Arya and Gendry are both dreamboats and I just want them to go out and get some ice cream together, you know? Just relax and be happy for like A MINUTE.

Brienne proudly looking on as Pod dominates in sword-practice is now my happy place.

“I’m not the fighter I used to be, but I’d be honoured to fight under your command, if you’ll have me.” That was basically a marriage proposal, right? The scene cut out just as Jamie was getting on one knee.

I got the lady-talk I wanted from Sansa and Dany, and it was magic, but it did not go as well as it could have. It’s because there was no ice cream. GIRLS, just go get some ice cream and watch the BBC Pride and Prejudice, and be best friends. It’s all I ask.

THEON HAS RETURRRRRRRNNNNED and it was BEAUUUUUUUTIFUL!!!

Hahaha, Gray Worm and Missandei being all, “this place is is bullshit and kinda racist, let’s peace out.” YES, GET OUT OF THAT WHITE-BREAD BACKWATER TOWN, SEW A FLAG ON YOUR BACKPACK AND SEE THE WORRRRRRRRLD!

This group of drinking buddies huddled by the fire is everything I needed out of this entire season.

Tormund was breastfed by a giant as a pre-teen! BAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH FOREVER AND EVER.

“The Lord of Light is gonna wonder why he brought you back 19 times just to watch you die when I chuck you over this fucking wall.” The Hound is a true gift, and his friendship / mentorship with Arya is all we need in this world.

ARYA AND GENDRY JUST SEXED!!! WHAT IS EVEN-?? Ugh, he’s gonna die now, for sure. Or she will. SHE BETTER NOT, but she might. One of these two will die in the morning.

Jamie just KNIGHTED Brienne, and this is better than any sex scene could be. That’s it, they’re married. They just got married. There is so much dust in my eyes! Fuck, that was so damn beautiful. Her smile simultaneously broke my heart, and healed it.

Pod is singing, and I’m suddenly jealous of those prostitutes who took his virginity.

JON JUST TOLD DANY THAT HE’S HER NEPHEW AND THE RIGHTFUL HEIR TO THE THRONE HOURS BEFORE A FUCKING BATTLE, hahahahahhahahha he’s such a dummy.

Oops, hi White Walkers!

The Long Night

I 100% forgot about the Red Woman.

I honestly thought she was already dead.

That was a ballsy move rockin’ up all by yourself in front of an army who is waiting for any sign to start fighting.

“Here, let me just get that for ya.” Haha, bitch just lit up their swords and gave Gray Worm a wink, so I expect he’ll be converting to crazy-town pretty soon.

HOLY SHIT! The Hoard were just DESTROYED. Watching all of their lights blink out within a matter of seconds was wildly unsettling.

I’m scaaaaaaaaaaaaared. *whispers* not Brienne, not Brienne, not Brienne…\

Awwwwwww Tyrian and Sansa having a little chat in the crypt was what my heart needed.

I know it’s weird how much I want these two to be married for real, but I am NOT ASHAMED.

Arya in the library!

Arya in the library!!!

ARYA IN THE LIBRARY!!!!

GIRL, RUN! Get outta there, POST HASTE.

Oops, guess the Night King is also impervious to fire.

Holy cannoli, the tween girl just took out a freakin’ giant. RIP little lady, you were the coolest. I hope to see your sass in all the tv shows from now on.

JAMIE AND BRIENNE… what is HAPPENINGGGGG??? Did Brienne just die?????? I’m upset, I’m upset, I’m upset.

Ahhhhhhhhhohhnooooooooo! The Night King is doing a seance and all the corpses are like, “whoa thanks,” and they’re just walking around being very rude zombies (are they attacking Jon or ignoring him, I can’t tell).

The crypt!!!! Zombies in the crypt! Holy shit, I didn’t even think of that. I would be a huge dummy in this situation. That LOOK between Tyrian and Sansa that said, “it’s been real, we should have stayed married, let’s just get married again.”

(Just give me this)

That look was hauntingly beautiful, though, for real.

Theon!!!!! Ugh, that sweet unfortunate boy. *intense frown-cry* He could have run away, but he didn’t. He knew he would die, but he protected Bran anyway. Poor boy my heart hur-

OMFUCKINGHELLWHAT ARYA!!!!!

BAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAWHAT that was amazing.

My girl just jumping in there like, “yeahhhhh, I’ve trained for this since my prepubescence, sooooooo…”

Fuck that was awesome. I actually cheered.

I’m confused about Bran’s powers. Can he tell the future? He seemed VERY CHILL about almost being murdered, like he knew it would turn out fine.

Is it just that he can see what’s going on RIGHT NOW? Did he know Arya was creepin’ around, and figured she’d take care of business (as usual).

Ugh, whatever, I’m confused, but that was too awesome for me to care about pesky plot details.

The body count wasn’t as big as I thought it would be, but that is NOT A COMPLAINT. All-in, who did we lose?

My beloved Theon

Jorah (meh)

The Nights Watch guy (that was sad)

The Red Woman (she just got naked and dusted like she’d been snapped)

NOT Brienne though (*phew*)

I won’t lie – the Night King stuff feels anti-climatic. There was a LOT of mythology devoted to this guy, and then it was like, “alright, let’s wrap this up.”

The Last of the Starks

These funerals are sad, but the only one I really care about is Theon. Sansa gave him a super special pin of the Starks! My heart.

UM OKAY – so Tormund is all, “Jon is the best because he flew on a dragon to save us all!” HELLOOOOOOOOOO, was he up there alone? Fucking classic – woman does the work for ACTUAL YEARS, man does it for a hot minute and gets all the praise and credit. I love Tormund, but dude needs to show his damn DRAGON-FLYING-QUEEN some love.

Awww, Gendry was Aladdin-ed into a lord by Dany, so he immediately proposed to Arya and she turned him down.

Saw that one coming.

It’s okay, you dreamy dreamboat, you won’t have any trouble in that department.

The ladies will form a queue.

Of course, you’ll never find someone as awesome as Arya, who will likely be the standard by which you’ll judge all other women- oh shit, Gendry’s gonna die alone.

Gah! Jon wants to tell his sisters about his kinglyness, but Dany’s like, “don’t, though?” and Jon is all, “it’ll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,” and Dany’s like, “it really won’t,” and Jon’s like, “naw, Imma do it,” and Dany is all, “everything you do is infuriating, but I still want it.”

WHAT IS EVEN- hahahahahahhahah Jamie and Brienne are about to have sex and my entire being is so confused. I’ve wanted this so bad for all the seasons (even before I met her, somehow), but I never thought it would actually HAPPEN. And as soon as it did, it feels sort of… skeezy? I don’t know.

HE BETTER TREAT HER RIGHT, is all I have to say to that.

HE TOLD THEM!!!

Jon told his sisters that he’s actually their cousin, and maybe they should be bowing to him but they don’t have to but if they felt they should then they can.

Well, technically Bran told them.

I’m pissed we didn’t get to see their reactions. We can have nineteen minutes of people staring at each other at a party, but the episode can’t spare two minutes for the MAIN CHARACTERS OF THIS SHOW to react to the BIGGEST FUCKING NEWS THEY’VE EVER HEARD??

BRONN!!!! If he kills one of these boys I SWEAR TO-

Okay, he didn’t. He demanded higher payment.

WELP, Sansa kept that secret for a whole hot second.

OH NO DRAGON BABYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! Will the characters on this show never learn to FUCKING ZIG-ZAG????? My heart hurts.

Did… did Varys seriously just say that Jon should be king because he’s a boy? *head explodes*.

I’m scared at the direction this show is going. What Varys says usually turns out to be correct/right. So is Dany going to be a bad person just because Varys said so? What are they doing to my beloved Dragon Queen???

Well shit. RIP Missandei. That sucked. I liked her. A little confused how Euron got her and only her. Like, did she swim the wrong way?

Ugh, anyway.

Dany is very peeved about this.

The Bells

OKAY BYE VARYS! Dude was just burned alive for switching sides. I’m not even sure I care anymore. Put Ghost on the Iron Throne and be done with it. He’s a good boy, he’ll be a good King. He can get a bark-translator, or just point with his nose.

Also, did the blast kill Varys instantly? Dude didn’t even scream.

Oops, looks like the insestual honeymoon is over.

OKAY FINE, that talk between Jamie and Tyrion was very nice. I liked when Jamie admitted that he’s the stupidest Lannister. CORRECT.

I did NOT like it when Jamie said he never cared about the people. YES YOU DID you buffoon, you killed a king for them. *eye roll*

Oh so NOW Dragons know how to zig-zag???

Bitch just destroyed everyone in like a hot second.

Okay, now go kill Cersei, and then I guess fight for the throne with you nephew (*huge fucking eye roll*).

WAIT WHAT

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK

Girl is destroying the city for no reason.

FUCKING SIGH.

Fine. Dany is crazy now, with little to no build-up other than, “shit happened to her so now she’s sad.”

There’s no turning back now. She’s dead for sure.

Is Jamie about to be murdered by EURON FUCKING GREYJOY??

I will be sighing forever.

Oh, nope, nevermind, he won sorta. Still about to die, though. Wow, what a useless end to one of the greatest character arcs of all time.

Awww, the Hound and Arya are friends forever, and he just gave her some real-talk about her potential. That was nice.

Oh man, this Hound/Mountain fight was stunning.

A bit pointless, considering everything, but fun nonetheless.

HOUNNNNNDDDDDDD!!!!! I mean, I didn’t expect him to survive and go on a buddy-cop style road trip with Arya or anything, but still. This one hurt. He died diving into FIRE, the one thing our boy was afraid of.

At least he took his dick of a brother with him.

DEATH BY FUCKING DEBRIS. That’s what two of the biggest characters on this show deserved? Death by a CEILING?

Welp, RIP Jamie’s character arc. I guess all that growth meant nothing after all.

I get that they’re twins, and in love, and it’s hard to put all those feelings aside when someone you love is in danger. But still.

This feels like a big ol’ middle finger to his entire arc (and us).

Dude had one of the greatest heel-turn-face stories in the history of television, and in the end he dies where he began.

I understand why Jamie had to be captured now. It’s a pretty bad sign when you can see inside the minds of the writers. This didn’t happen because it’s true to the characters, it happened because the writers needed it to.

“Okay, let’s get Jamie to Cercei so they can die together!” “Yeah! Oh wait, we should probably have a final moment between him and Tyrion so the audience is sad when Jamie dies.” “Hmmmmm… but HOW???” “I have an idea, but it’ll make Jamie look super dumb.” “We have no other choice.”

Arya is right pissed.

Welp, guess Arya is going to kill Dany, then Jon will be king, and the realm will get that D on the throne that they apparently thirst for.

The Iron Throne

Oh sure, open the episode with seventy-five minutes of Tyrian wandering around being horror-struck at his “bad” decision-making skills. It’s not like we have OTHER FUCKING THINGS TO DISCUSS.

Ohhhhhh, I see. The writers need a good reason to kill a woman we’ve been cheering on for TEN FUCKING YEARS, so they made her 1st) murder a city in cold blood, then 2nd) promise her hoard of apparent savages that they could murder a bunch more cities in cold blood.

Okay, okay, okay, that totally makes sense and isn’t out of left field at all. *injury-inducing-eye-roll*

At least Emilia Clarke is killing it. She still commands so much respect with every word she utters. #ImWithHer

Okay, now Tyrion is going to be executed for not wanting to murder any more cities. Fine, whatever, let’s just get this over with.

*long suffering sigh* Did Daenerys Targaryen, First of her Name, Breaker of Chains, Baddest Ass Bitch In All The Land, just die from a surprise-attack knifing while kissing a boy she had a crush on? Her death was so boring I almost missed it. Ugh. Girl deserved so much better.

HA! Fucking Professor Drogon up here all, “this symbol of power is the cause of all suffering and must be obliterated.” Are we supposed to believe he was aiming for the throne?? Or was he just letting out some grief-flame that happened to hit the show’s marketing material?

Tyrion: “Who has a better story than Bran Stark?”

Arya: “Hold my fucking sword.”

So Bran is going to be the king. FUCKING BRAN???? LOL forever until the end of time. Bran ‘I don’t want anymore’ Stark is the king of everything.

Did he KNOW? Did he know this outcome all along? I’m so confused by Bran’s emo witch-powers.

That was pretty funny with the uncle, though. Sansa is a boss.

So after about a hot minute of family-time, the Starks are splitting up again.

Oh look, Sansa is the Queen in the North. Good for her. I’m still #RideOrDie for that fiery vixen.

I would watch the shit out of a show about Arya discovering the Resteros of Westeros. As long as it’s written by someone else. These writers shit the bed, SORRY NOT SORRY.

GHOST FINALLY GETS A GOOD PET FOR A GOOD BOY.

Brienne is large and in charge!

She’s blogging about Jamie. Girl, just move on and live your best life because YOU DESERVE IT.

Brienne is my forever crush.

Is Jon leaving the Night’s Watch to be a Wildling? God, I hope so. Just go, bud. Get outta there.

AND THAT IS THE END. My God, that was exhausting. I feel bad for hating it so much, but I also can’t help it? This was really, really bad.

I guess it’s a compliment that so many people hated it so vehemently because it means we were all super invested up until this point. So… con… grats?

Let’s play, “Endings That Would Have Been Better Than The One We Got.” I’ll go first.

We find out there’s another dragon named Dragella or some shit, she swoops in, catches the attention of Drogon, and the episode becomes a more violent, live-action version of How To Train Your Dragon 3.

Jon and Dany decide to just be friends because they’re blood related. This grows into a beautiful bond of mutual trust and admiration. He helps her break the wheel, then he marries Tormund.

Drogon can talk. He has simply chosen not to this whole time. He and Dany have an emotional, thought-provoking discussion atop the wall in King’s Landing as the bells ring, and he literally talks her off the ledge. He becomes her Hand, and Tyrian runs off with Jamie for some bro-ventures.

Arya puts on the face of Cersei’s creepy Hand and goes into the tower and pushes her off. The Mountain looks like he’s about to avenger her, but then he takes off his face and it’s Jaqen H’ghar! He and Arya catch up like old pals and he’s like, “you’re alright, kid.” He explains that he has a terminal disease, and is pretty ready to die. He changes into Cersei and surrenders to Dany, giving her the satisfaction of killing her enemy herself. The people welcome their new Queen. Dany implements Ice-Cream-Sundays.

Everything that happened after the fall of the Knight King was a vision of a possible future shown to Bran by some fairies or whatever (Doctor Strange style). When he wakes up, he has a talk with Daenerys and they work shit out. Oh, and the fairies also gave him his personality back.

The show pulls a The Village where one of them stumbles out of a forest and runs into a van or something and it’s like, “whoa, these people cut themselves off from society because they were sick of Starbucks” or something.

Or pull a Lego Movie or Cool World and one of them accidentally pops into reality and realises that they’re all characters in a TV show, and that nothing actually matters.

Anything. Literally anything else.

Now you go!!

Okay, I can’t with this anymore. Thanks for coming. I’m sorry if you really liked it and are now mad at me, but congratulations for getting an ending you liked.

BYE! What is dead cannot die or whatever!

