ATLANTA—Saying you’d feel sick to your stomach if you knew how big the difference was, some shithead out there makes so much more money than you do, sources reported Wednesday. In addition to earning your annual salary in a single month, the goddamn sonofabitch reportedly works half as many hours per week, all without having to deal with your fucking boss. That asshole, according to other accounts, is also likely much younger than you and is probably going to retire before he turns 40 while you’ll be humping to the office for the rest of your sorry fucking life. At press time, sources had confirmed that fucking guy is actually a pretty decent person, which makes him twice the shithead you thought he was to begin with.

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