WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck back to work. “The very latest findings indicate that not one word of what you’re currently reading is even tangentially related to your job, and that you certainly weren’t hired to sit around browsing the goddamn internet all day,” an expert familiar with the report said while your eyes continued to scan this block of text instead of tending to one of the many unopened work-related emails in your inbox. “I don’t know how I can make this any clearer: This report is directed specifically at you. You should not be reading this. You should be working, asshole.” The report concluded that while there are 12 million unemployed Americans who would be extremely grateful to have your job, you seem to think you are entitled to use company time to read this article to the very last goddamn sentence.