FADE IN:

EXT. VARIOUS POINTS OF HISTORY

We see the ANNOYING YELLOW THINGS from DESPICABLE ME doing stuff in prehistoric times, ancient Egypt, the middle ages et cetera.

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

NARRATOR GEOFFREY RUSH

Ever since life began, millions of generations of Minions - or possibly the same specific Minions, it’s impossible to tell or care - have only been truly happy in their natural role as submissive servants and lackeys. Kinda like house elves in Harry Potter, or non-whites in the mind of your incredibly racist grampa.

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

NARRATOR GEOFFREY RUSH

And yeah, we’re explaining all this in a voiceover because we have neither the visual storytelling chops nor the sheer give-a-fuckitude to deliver the whole narrative without dialogue, which is the only way a feature film about these overgrown Twinkies had a chance of being the least bit interesting.

Three of the BLOBS set out on a quest to find a new SLAVEMASTER.

EXT. NEW YORK, 1968

The three BLOBS find themselves in New York City in the swinging sixties, allowing the film to accidentally stumble into a DISPROPORTIONATELY GOOD SOUNDTRACK.

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

They wander around and do stuff. They manage to get themselves locked inside a department store.

BANANA SAXOPHONE, GOD OF RANDOM SHIT HAPPENING

BING! This is going nowhere, make something arbitrary happen!

(builds credenza out of pogs)

The BLOBS suddenly see an ad for a VILLAIN CONVENTION. They HITCH A RIDE with what turns out to be a FAMILY OF BANK ROBBERS.

CGI MICHAEL KEATON

Hi there! We’re here to drive you to the place you were already going, give you a bunch of exposition that you either already have or don’t need, then fuck off without having mattered to the story in any way or even been particularly entertaining!

CGI ALLISON JANNEY

I know it really, really seems like we’re being established so that we can show up later in a plot-relevant fashion, but seriously all we do after this scene is appear in the occasional crowd shot just to remind everyone we exist.

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

The BLOBS arrive at VILLAINCON and are hired as HENCHMEN by FAMOUS SUPERVILLAIN SANDRA BULLOCK.

CGI SANDRA BULLOCK

I wish to steal Queen Elizabeth’s crown! It’s the heist of my career, so naturally I’m going to fob the entire thing off on three unidentifiable objects I just met. I won’t even come up with a plan for you guys, you’re meant to wing it. I WILL give you some random gadgets, but my husband is the one who built them, and who actually gives them to you. I’m not a very effectual villain.

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

CGI SANDRA BULLOCK

Why certainly, I can tell you a bedtime story before you go to England. Once upon a time there was a popular animated franchise. One day the big bad studio executive decided that a particularly profitable element of that franchise should be spun off into its own thing, even though that element was hopelessly underdeveloped and had never even delivered a coherent line of dialogue. And so he huffed, and he puffed, and he made a children’s movie about a bunch of interchangeable non-speaking creatures getting up to wacky hijinks in metropolitan England. And it was surprisingly fun and clever, evoking the charm of silent comedy and reminding the world that just because a movie is for kids doesn’t mean it can’t be made with wit and care. And that movie was... Shaun the Sheep.

(pause)

Which, when American cinemas finally get round to releasing it, will probably pull in less money in its entire run than this pile of garbage made in its first afternoon.

EXT. LONDON

The BLOBS go to steal the CROWN.

BANANA SAXOPHONE, GOD OF RANDOM SHIT HAPPENING

CLONK! This is getting stale, throw in another weird plot turn.

(hypnotizes Roomba)

One of the BLOBS suddenly becomes KING OF ENGLAND. It then hands over its power to SANDRA, then the three BLOBS get BORED and TELEPORT HOME only to be IMMEDIATELY REPLACED with three RANDOM OTHER BLOBS. (Okay, probably not. But honestly, can you prove that didn’t happen?)

CGI SANDRA BULLOCK

Thanks for England, guys! Now I throw you IN THE DUNGEON! Where you will not be chained up in any way and will just immediately find an unlocked exit and leave. I did mention about not being effectual, right?

A YELLOW BLOB

(gibberish)

(slapstick)

The BLOBS escape the DUNGEON, but then TWO OF THEM are recaptured by SANDRA.

CGI SANDRA BULLOCK

Hey, third blob! Unless you want me to kill the other two blobs, surrender so that I can kill all three of you!

BANANA SAXOPHONE, GOD OF RANDOM SHIT HAPPENING

POTRZEBIE! I am basically the only thing supplying this movie with motive force!

(opens chain of ferret rental outlets)

The non-captured BLOB becomes GIANT, why the fuck not? Then he defeats SANDRA, looks like he’s dead for a second but he isn’t, and that’s about it.

NARRATOR GEOFFREY RUSH

And so, with the blobs having successfully stuffed this movie with ninety minutes worth of events, Steve Carell just sort of showed up at whatever the hell location the blobs were at, then they all went off and had two underwhelming movies worth of adventures together and OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING HERE, I’M AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

CGI SANDRA BULLOCK

Hey, me too!

NARRATOR GEOFFREY RUSH

Now you’re just being mean.

END.