Summary: The school play is coming up and Team RWBY and Team JNPR are assigned to produce it. With a smutty script written by Blake, sensual costumes by Yang, under the leadership of Commander-in-Theatre Nora, how will this tragic love story unfold between two star-crossed team captains?

Ruby-eo and Jaune-liet

RWBY

Act 1 Scene 1

As the Vytal Festival comes to a close, as per tradition a pair of teams is assigned to produce a play. For this year, Team RWBY and Team JNPR have been chosen to write, produce, and execute the school play.

Act 1 Scene 1. The Beacon Theater

A pair of curtains pulls back, revealing a papier-mâché stone tower with a balcony. Thorny bushes are set at the foot of the tower. Jaune enters onto the balcony wearing a smutty-looking leather dress with straps, belts, and zippers. His muscles are rippling, his heart is true, and Jaune begins to speak.

Jaune: O Weiss-eo, Weiss-eo. Why did my love have to be Weiss-eo?

Weiss enters the scene through bushes. Twigs and dirt smear her elegant white suit complete with epaulettes and medals of various fictional military orders. Weiss' hair is braided into a bun; leaves are stuck into it. Weiss is unhappy and muttering to herself.

Weiss: Stupid bush… why did we have to use a real bush? This is just… so…

In the audience, Blake coughs as a signal meaning 'read your lines, Weiss!'

Weiss: Ugh… that's right; I have to read these stupid lines. Fine… whatever… Oh Jaune-liet, Jaune-liet. Our families are in a feud that has spanned ten thousand Galactic Federation years. Thousands upon thousands of Arc-pulets and Schnee-tagues have slaughtered each other all for the sake of this planet of Beacon-rona and the mythical dust mélange only Beacon-rona produces. Dust mélange is crucial for our mental navigators to engage in intergalactic hyper drive warp… Blake, just what the f…

Jaune: Weiss-eo! It is you! My only enemy is your name of Schnee-tague. Why did you have to be a Schnee-tague?

Weiss pulls out her script. Her eyes are squinting. Her face reads, 'Blake, did you seriously write this?'

Weiss: My father wanted a son, and my Gene Besserit mother psychokinetically changed my gender in the womb. Of course, that has nothing to do with why I am a Schnee-tague but merely random luck that I am a Schnee-tague.

Weiss face palms.

Jaune: Look upon how your hand is pressed against your cheek! Why… what I would give to satisfy thy wish that I were but a hand upon your cheek to grace your skin by moonlit glow and realize our love in the driven snow. Shall you not come into my chambers?

Weiss looks at her script.

Weiss: Did you… wait… did Jaune just… in the snow… ask me if we wanted to fu-

Jaune: O come now Weiss-eo and enter my chamber! My father hath recently purchased from thy most filthy merchant of Vacuo-burg a device that produces ice in thy room. Won't you warm my heart and soul and body from this chilly blizzard?

Jaune throws out a ladder made from riding crops and leather belts.

Weiss stares at the ladder.

Weiss looks back at the script.

Weiss: Yeah, cut. Cut! I'm done.

Commander-in-Theatre Nora, Script Writer Blake, Costume Manager Yang, Captain Ruby, and Ren enter the stage.

Nora: I am the Commander-in-Theatre! I'm the one that gets to say 'cut'!

Weiss: You get to say cut after you finish getting a new script. Blake! This script is utterly ridiculous. Who wants to see a play about two star-crossed lovers from two different families that are engaged in an intergalactic blood feud?

Ren raises his hand.

Ren: I kind of want to see that.

Nobody cares about Ren's opinion.

Blake: Well, everyone voted in favor of the script. You included.

Weiss: I voted in favor because you said you wrote the lead role just for me! B-but this… what kind of a role is this? I'm so…so… dorky! Do you realize how many times my character goes off into tangents about the socioeconomic state of Beacon-rona when it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot!?

Ruby: Well I think you're killing that role, Weiss!

Blake: Killing it in a bad way. Weiss, you need to enunciate more. Look at Jaune, he gets it.

Everyone looks at Jaune up on the balcony. He is looking at himself in the mirror on the balcony and shaking his rear in front of it.

Jaune: Yang, I still think this dress makes my butt looks too big.

Yang: Get a smaller butt, then! I think making Jaune our lead actor is getting to his head… stupid prima donna.

Weiss: Isn't there another play we could do?

Blake pulls out several manuscripts from her pocket.

Blake: There's 'White Rose' where you and Ruby are engaged in a romantic tyst.

Weiss: Does this involve kissing? Fondling?

Blake: Yes.

Weiss: Pass.

Blake: There's 'Freezer Burn' where you and Yang are-

Weiss: Does this one also…

Blake: ...yes.

Weiss looks at Blake annoyed.

Weiss: I could write a story where I spend all day reacting to the stupid things people like you write… Like… it'll span over eighty chapters and going and have crossovers and tropes and blackjack and… and… I'll call it… Schnee-prah's Book Club!

Blake stares back at Weiss.

Blake: There's also 'Weiss, What's a Blow-

Weiss: Nope. Nope. Nope! Whatever, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm out. Peace.

Weiss exits the stage.

Blake: -torch'

Ruby: But Weiss… she's gone. Without Weiss, who else can we get to play the lead love interest? And whoever is the lead love interest has to spend a lot of time with Jaune probably alone in romantic settings and stuff.

Pyrrha emerges from the background. She is in a tree costume. Her arms are stuff as branches and her feet feel rooted to the ground.

Pyrrha: I wouldn't mind being…

Yang: Yeah, we need someone feminine with a lot of charm and popularity. Our lead actress has got to be a popular one after all but slightly masculine since Weiss' role is a male.

Ruby: But Weiss had all of that…

Nora: Plus she was strong! She could definitely break some legs in the arena. It makes the boys go crazy for her.

Pyrrha: Hey I fight too-

Yang: Not to mention she has acting experience.

Pyrrha: I was in commercials-

Ruby: How can we replace that?

Everyone on stage but Pyrrha collectively sighs.

Ruby: We can't…

Pyrrha: Yes! We can!

Everyone on stage looks at Pyrrha.

Yang: Gosh darn it! Pyrrha is right! We can replace that! We had the perfect romantic lead all this time right in front of us. Think about it… which one of us would give the school newspaper gossip columns the biggest scoop to hype up the play? We don't have the Schnee heiress… but we have something better. Everyone… I propose that we make…

Pyrrha takes off her tree headdress.

Pyrrha: I'd be happy to nominate my-

Yang: …Ruby, our new lead actress!

Nora: Yes!

Blake nods in agreement.

Pyrrha: What.

Yang: Think about it! Two team captains in love… all we got to do is leak this out to the school newspaper along with some scandalous pictures and the hype for our play will be so huge it'll be the most successful play in Beacon's history.

Nora: I, the Commander-in-Theatre, approve of this plan!

Blake: Script Writer seconded.

Yang: And the Costume Manager absolutely supports it. Way to go, sis, you're going to be the lead actress in the school play!

Everyone is cheering and congratulating Ruby except for Pyrrha who goes back to being a tree.

Ruby: M-me? An actress… eh!?

Ruby is thinking to herself. She is nervous. She will have to be a lead actress alongside Jaune. Their characters are madly in love in each other. Will our two team captains fall madly in love with each other as well? I'll let you decide.

But the answer's yes.

Act 1 Scene 1 Fin

Author's Note: If I ever find time, I'll continue this. But for now it's a oneshot. Also did you get the joke? Because the fic is about a school play... and the story is written like a script... okay, I'll just show myself out the door then.