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Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $43106 VARSITY VARSITY

My marketing advice to panhandlers. Based on years of walking by panhandlers, and years in the market research business, I would like to offer the following advice to panhandlers.



1. Don't smoke. When your prospects see you smoking, you lose 80 percent of them. The non-smokers will all assume that you will only spend your money on cigarettes. The smokers will just bum a cigarette off of you.



2. Don't claim to be a veteran. Even if you are. It's overdone. And never EVER claim to be a veteran of either airborne division. It's a dead giveaway that you're lying. If you must claim to be a veteran, go with something obscure like a supply battalion.



3. Carry a big backpack with a bedroll. Passersby will assume that you're headed somewhere. This implies productivity in its own right, but also more importantly signifies that you're going to be leaving their vicinity in the near future.



4. Be female if at all possible. Attractive helps.



5. Be dirty, but not too dirty. If you're clean you don't need help (though see exception below in Tip 6). If you're too dirty, you're beyond help. Per Tip #3, you need to be just dirty enough to look like you've been walking a great distance. For wardrobe, go with bright but slightly dirty colors.



6. If you can go clean, go with a suit and tie and good grooming. Then go with the "I lost my wallet" approach and be prepared to move frequently within and between cities. However, if you're going to this much work, you should probably just get a job.



7. Carry a chess set. Everyone likes an intellectual hobo, and it looks like you're a hobo for your own reasons rather than being the filthy, drug-addicted alcoholic that you likely are.



8. Cute signs may work, but know your audience. Don't do the "Why lie? I need a beer" sign in the morning when people are on their way to work, for example. Self-deprecating humor is good, but can't be too extreme (e.g., "Need money for Lear Jet repairs"). Topical humor can be good, so read the newspapers that you sleep in to find ideas.



9. Missing limbs are gold, but only if not displayed prominently. Let the viewer discover them for themselves.



10. If in a southern state, attempt to look like Jesus. If in a northern state, attempt to look like a threat to those around you. If in a midwestern state, go to a different region because they'll just tell you to get a job. If in a western state, wear a sign that says "panhandler" to differentiate yourself from outdoorspeople and/or hippies.