BOSTON–worn down by the mass rallies, candlelight vigils, and online petitions, Mitt Romney (sort-of-R, MA) today announced that he was willing to bow to public pressure and enter the 2016 presidential race.

“While I had hoped for the quiet life of a private citizen, I cannot ignore the fact that my candidacy has been on the lips of every American in recent months,” said Romney to potential donors.

Jeff Hensel, deputy director of the Idaho branch of We Want Romney Now, was elated to hear the news. “We’ve had almost a thousand people camped out in Finwell Park in Boise for months, all demanding that Romney run again,” he explained. “It was breaking my heart to look into the eyes of these men, women, and children–some as young as six–and tell them that Mitt wasn’t coming.”

Other Republican candidates agreed that the nomination and general election were probably Romney’s for the asking. “From the numbers I’ve seen, almost every political humor blogger is solidly behind a Romney run,” said former Gov. Rick Perry (R–TX). “And they make up about 65% of the population, I think.”



Romney, wearing a suit made out of good ol’ American money