For the travelers to the mysterious land of Indian Culture we know how confusing it can be at times. It is an ancient culture rich with confusions and contradictions that we Indians learned to live with – do we have a choice. What is merely a daily matter to us, my foreign wonderer, for you it is a mystery. In the land with busy billions it is hard to find the key that would unlock the secret of the conundrum that is Indian culture. So we have put together a short phrasebook to help understand a few details about us. Here are some excerpts.

Resurging India: now we have shopping malls where none of the half billion poor can enter

We have spirituality: when others have it we call it poverty

We value education: half of us are illiterate making education really scarce

We are not materialistic: we do not like materials, we prefer products — take our iron, give us cars; take our engineers, give us mobile phones

I am a modern man: I use mobile phone to check my astrology, use tennis racket to beat the servants, and use computer to do my puja

It is our tradition: I don’t know, stop asking me why we do it

We are proud of our history: since we do not know about the centuries of slavery and subjugation, but we are proud of it

South Indian: anyone who does not speak Hindi and loves idly

North Indian: anyone who speaks Hindi and hates idly

Eve teasing: we are too shy to use words like molestation or sexual harassment

She is my cousin: can be daughter of my aunt, or I am not sure how we are related, or my secret girl friend

My good name is: I am crook and a criminal but I still have a first name

Saree: Sheet for Appearing Reserved with Elective Exposure

Innocently divorced: got divorced before getting pregnant and means as good as new

My wife has reproductive problem: she has given birth to six daughters and no son

Have a fair skin daughter: the other daughter has darker skin

Cross cultural marriage: married someone from outside our locality

Suitable match for a girl: of opposite sex and not married

Suitable match for a boy: of opposite sex, much younger, and never married

Wheatish complexion: not as dark as you think; nothing to do with color of wheat

A man of character: does not drink, take bribe, or beat wife – in public

Sati: Socially Approved Traditional Incineration

Don’t worry, it is not spicy: we will give you a glass of water to wash your tears

So are you married? (for a woman): I just want to know if you are a lady of ill repute

So are you married? (for a man): may I interest you in my single daughter or niece

Respectable family: a family that has nothing else to brag about – money, fame, education, or achievement

We are peace loving people: you dare not mention communal riots, religious killings, domestic violence, and daily abuse

He is a genius: he got a job at a multinational company

We respect our traditions: we stopped evolving in the middle ages

I am a devout Hindu: I hate Muslims, Christians, and any other non-Hindus, but especially Muslims

We respect women: otherwise why do we have dowry, honor killing, female infanticide, sati, and domestic abuse

She is a nice girl: she has no opinion or mind of her own

I go to temple everyday: I have nothing else to do and they have free food

You have to see Taj Mahal: I have not seen it, but if you see it maybe you can show me some pictures

I want a modern girl: she must know how to clean, cook, and is comfortable wearing jeans outside

I want a traditional girl: she must know how to clean, cook, and never go outside

I cannot think of leaving my family: I do not have job and cannot afford to rent a place

He is an educated man: I work for him or he has more money

He is a charitable man: he donates some of his bribe to the temple to feel better about himself

We love our children: otherwise why child labor is everywhere despite such high unemployment

We had a love marriage: our parents and families were against it, we did it to ruin their lives

We had an arranged marriage: we were against it, they did it to ruin our lives

I want a romantic man: he should buy me jewelry every month

I want a practical man: he should have enough money to buy me jewelry every month

My uncle is a world traveler: he visited Singapore on an one-day trip

We don’t take dowry: give it in gold, cars, and real estate — no cash please

My son-in-law is very ambitious: he is waiting for a promotion for last ten years

Our daughter has such sense style: she wares t-shirt and jeans

Our daughter-in-law has no sense shame: she wares t-shirt and jeans

We love our country: we will stay in India until we get our visa