The animated story of 3 Minions on a quest to find the most evil and ruthless master in the world, so that they might bring their people out of a crippling depression. Kevin decides the only way to save his species is to travel across the world to conduct his search, aided by Stuart and Bob he must find a new boss for his brothers to follow.

When you say it like that it sounds like an epic, but this could quite possibly be the worst film ever made. And i do not say that lightly.

I enjoyed Despicable Me (2010) and like a lot of people saw the Minions as a bit comic relief in an already very funny film. Despicable Me 2 (2013) came out : Did we need a sequel? Not really, but it happened and it could’ve been a lot worse. The comedy sidekick routine was well and truly spent by the time Hollywood decided to push forward with this one. By then it was too late for us.

The money formula (for those who don’t know) goes something like this:

1.Create a simple colorful character.

2.Give them a speech impediment (This film could very easily set your children’s vocabulary back by decades) and at least one catchphrase, and then

3.MARKET IT!

It’s impossible to currently walk into a supermarket and not see a Minion adorning at least a thousand different brands packaging, DVD’s, cardboard stands etc…. But i digress. I’m not here to talk about market over-saturation…..

The film while being of a high standard of animation really goes nowhere. The voice talents of Sandra Bullock and John Hamm do their best to carry an awful script, almost delivering lines through gritted teeth. I felt bad for them whilst watching it but then i realized they were getting paid astronomical amounts of money for doing it. I’ll admit i was a little disturbed to see Michael Keaton and Steve Coogan in the credits but they’ve got a long way to fall and their kids need Lamborghinis too.

With regard to the film overall – I’ve had more enjoyable dental work (at least that came with a sedative). The film makers “were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, that they didn’t stop to think if they should” (to quote Jurassic Park’s Dr. Ian Malcolm). But i guess that money was always the point and the result was a big budget, big cast, big steaming pile of crap! Everything about this movie is offensive except for the soundtrack which boast some quality 60’s pop classics and modern rock classics which somehow help the film along.

There is a level of doctrine to the gibberish they spout as well – as Wikipedia reliably informs me :

“They mostly speak incomprehensible gibberish, which is partly derived from other languages, including Bahasa Indonesia, French, English, Italian, Spanish, and Hindi. Although seemingly nonsensical, the English-sounding dialogue is dubbed differently for every country, in order to make the sounds somewhat recognizable.”

With the announcement of Minions Lego and Minions Park coming to Universal it seems this fad has really grown short yellow legs!

Having experienced the Universal ride first-hand i cans attest that it is possible to enjoy this franchise on at least one level. The premise for the ride is that you become a minion in this 4D chair-coaster experience. It’s much like the Spiderman ride but without the coaster-style ride vehicle.

You can watch the POV ride video here:

I can verify it was a fantastic addition to the park and one of the best 4D rides i’ve ever been on, but a whole park dedicated to these little eye-sores??? Who knows. It’s almost as if they design these theme parks for what kids want or something.

Personally i find the mere sight of these Smurfs-with-jaundice enraging, especially when shared on social media by middle aged women with out-of-context quotes like “I don’t need a man I need a glass of wine!”.