A dangerous breed of chrysomya rufifacies has been infesting cannabis crops and the result is a horrific new threat to America’s youths. These insects are characterized by uniquely distended flagellomeres and, as such, seek out the comfort of narrow, warm spaces for their larvae nests. The inner tympanic membrane of the ear, surrounded by damp and repercussionary caverns, is a common refuge for these calliphoridae. Once the larvae hatch, normally within a week, the maggots can burrow their way inward, sometimes tunneling to the very surface of the cranial cavity where they feed on the cerebellum’s sweet, muculent fluids.

This health problem is exacerbated by many factors in our society today. The most significant catalyst is the dramatic rise of “reefer” abuse among young people. As has been noted many times before, narcotics can cause a wide range of debilitating illnesses, such as heart disease, lung cancer and schizophrenia. On a social level, marijuana has been known to perpetuate urban crime, teen apathy and the general failure of our public school system.

Since the pot addict is already in an unhealthy state, they come to fear hygiene and fresh water. They avoid hot showers, opting instead to sulk in their own rank musk for days on end. These are a disgusting and foul people, a festering sore on the proud body of our nation. As filth- and disease-ridden criminals who actively conspire against traditional values, marijuana freaks occupy a dark underworld where a simple blowfly will go unnoticed.

Now that marijuana is being grown locally, the inherent risk is even greater. In the past, the drug was produced in Mexico under the harsh equatorial sun. There, it was dry and gritty, a crumbly mess that disintegrated quickly in one’s hand. Any insects that didn’t die in the brutal heat were subsequently killed off during the long smuggling voyage into the U.S.

Sadly, today’s reefer crops move so quickly from the farm to the consumer that they’re still damp and green, with golden hairs and droplets of THC that glisten by a dime store Bic lighter. Little do the weed addicts realize that their “kind bud” may be teeming with minute blowflies ever ready to creep out, seeking the easy refuge of your eardrums!

Infested pot smokers are slow to realize that their brains are being eaten away by cannabis maggots. Most are already mentally deficient to begin with. Common symptoms of this scenario include: an obsession with loud music (maggots can severely inhibit hearing capabilities), an insatiable need for cartoons (such brain activity produces the sweetest types of cranial fluids) and red eyes (maggot excrement is pinkish and often drips down from the cerebellum to the outer surface of the eyes).

Parents and teachers: If you’re reading this, please circulate this urgent health warning to your young people today!

Kids: Let this be a very strong message to stay away from hardcore drugs and remember, marijuana kills!