Episode One: Part Two: Vaping In Fiji

Richard Hatch Roark Luskin Jonny Fairplay Bret Labelle Chet Welch Lydia Morales Caryn Groedel Angelina Keeley Jill Behm Keith Nale Stephen Fishbach Randy Bailey Patrick Bolton Lauren Rimmer Gabby Pascuzzi Maralyn Hershey Ciera Eastin

Richard Hatch – Day One

As Jill Behm nibbled on her chicken leg, graciously sacrificed for her by Angelina she could only think of one thing. “I’m too normal for this tribe.” She smirked as she looked around at Caryn in her full body buff smock, watched as Angelina chatted away with a clearly irritated Bret and scowled at Fairplay as he hyped up his podcast, begging people to listen to the only UNAUTHORIZED podcast about Survivor. Truth be told, she didn’t even know that Survivor podcasts were a thing, or whether or not they were authorized. She genuinely liked the guy and figured she would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Two hours into their Survivor experience, the Richard Hatch tribe had nothing to show for it except for 7 ½ rotisserie chicken carcasses (Chet couldn’t finish his, he was full.) Finally, it was Fairplay who lit the match under the tribe and started the eventual chaos. He quickly pulled aside Caryn and Jill under the guise of collecting palm fronds for the shelter. Angelina and Bret were in the background hacking away and putting up the supports for the shelter.

“Listen, ain’t none of these motherfuckers gonna trust me.” said a cackling Fairplay as he attempted to pull the three into an alliance. “The three of us are a group that nobody would expect, and I think we balance each other perfectly.” Caryn looked on with bewildered amusement as Fairplay spoke a mouthful of thoughts at breakneck speed.

[Confessional] Caryn: “Last time I played Survivor I got lucky with Koror and I got lucky that I got in good with Tom. But during my time in Palau I learned how to be an actress a veryyyyy good actress. So for now I’ll agree to whatever Fairplay says and then when it comes time to vote, I’ll make that decision.”

Jill shuffled her feet as she put genuine stock into Fairplay’s promises. Was he still a pathological liar like she had seen years ago in the Pearl Islands, or was that all an act? Dr. Jill knew better than to judge a book by it’s cover, but she also knew better than to jump to conclusions. Whether or not she knew it, she was playing the same game as her buff-bundled counterpart, Caryn.

As Bret stood sweaty in his Boston Police Department shirt, an alliance was proposed to him. “Last time I made it to the final three, and so did Fairplay. I want to work with both of you and Dr. Jill. We need someone who has their head on their shoulders.” Bret nodded as he ran his hand through his hair. Angelina continued to speak about this proposed four person alliance.

[Confessional] Bret: “God this woman just talks and talks and talks for like a fricking hour! But ya know what, she’s onto something. I’d work with Fairplay, her and the Doctah.”

As these conversations took place, Lydia was on her own separate mission. This beach had been used by almost 100 Survivor players and there were signs of their time here, everywhere. As Lydia searched through the jungle she pulled back a throng of vines. What she saw nearly stopped her little heart from beating. Painted to match the jungle vines, and lined up perfectly with the nearest tree was Tony Vlachos. He quickly raised a finger to her lips and told her to be quiet. Lydia covered her mouth with one hand and with the other held onto her chest. “You have found the hidden Tony Vlachos advantage.” he whispered in his distinct accent. He handed her a wooden box, painted beige to match the trees of the Fijian jungle. Still out of breath, Lydia took the box and stared at Tony. He simply closed his eyes, leaned back and ‘disappeared’ into the foliage. A terrified Lydia ran away from the scene, looking back every few seconds to make sure she wasn’t being followed by the mythical beast. Finally, she worked her way down to the seashore where she could have some peace. She held the box with one hand and opened it with the other. Inside was a golden voting marker. She read the instructions aloud to herself

[Congratulations, you have found the Tony Vlachos advantage. Enclosed is a golden voting marker, which allows you to automatically put 4 additional votes on anyone at tribal council for a total of 5. They all must be cast at the same time and for the same person. This marker will write in bright gold and will stick out from the rest. This advantage expires at the merge.]

Lydia was shocked and completely stunned. How could such a powerful advantage be in the game, and better yet how could she use it? She quickly hid it under a pile of rocks hidden high above the tidal line and made her way back to camp, avoiding any potential Vlachos along the way.

[Confessional] Lydia: To get an advantage like that was almost like magic. I was looking around for Morgan from Yaxha, like is there a magician around here?! *She laughs to herself for 30 seconds* Wiping a tear from her eye she continues “Basically, Tony was dressed up as some wild man in the jungle and gave me immense power in this game! Who else is hiding out here?!”

Roark Luskin – Day One

Ciera Eastin had played Survivor three times, yet she was having trouble getting in good with this tribe. They were all interesting in their own way. Keith spit, Lauren grunted and Randy genuinely hated them all. But it wasn’t until the first day of this season that she realized people weren’t going to trust her, ever. It wasn’t because she cast a vote against her mother, it wasn’t because she deemed to be a part of a “witches coven” in Cambodia. No. Nobody on the Roark Luskin tribe believed that during her time on Survivor: Game Changers that she had been on a tribe with a man named Troyzan. Yes, they knew who he was and that he was eliminated by Kim and her powerful alliance, but not a single person who she tried to convince believed that Troyzan had actually played twice.

“I swear! He was there with us on the Mana tribe! She protested jokingly to her tribe. They all laughed along with her and some laughed at her.

[Confessional] Stephen: “I’m a Survivor know it all! Don’t you think I would know if -the- mighty Troyzan were to come back and play again!! Like come on Ciera, I played with you in Cambodia, I know how good of a liar you are, you’re better than this.”

As Stephen and Ciera debated whether or not Troyzan actually played a second time in Game Changers, the game was continuing to evolve. Keith Nale had entered Survivor: San Juan Del Sur not quite sure how to play the game. Sure he was good with balls and sure he was fun, but he didn’t quite know how to stick to the plan. He was voted back onto Cambodia and almost won, but to the frustration of many of his fellow players, he didn’t quite understand strategy. This time he was going to change.

Playing the good old boy was always his ace in the hole and by golly he was going to try hard to do that again this time. Carrying all 8 canteens of water, Keith asked Maralyn, Lauren and Randy to come with him. Figuring it’s day one, nobody turned down a chance to talk strategy. While Lauren filled up the canteens, Keith launched into his speech. “Y’all know how I play and how I ain’t no backstabber, first time I played I was kinda stuck protecting ole Wesley but you saw in uhhhh Chin….no..Cambodia just how reliable I could be as a team player. Jeremy won that thing cause of me!” Randy nodded along with his eyebrows raised, Maralyn adjusted her top and agreed with what he said. “I seen the way that Fishbach and Ciera play, and you’re seeing the lie that Ciera is trying to pull now with my pal Troyzan. It ain’t right. We four need to stick together and make us one unit.”

[Confessional] Keith: “I didn’t come around here to be told how to vote, I came out here to tell people how to vote. Not to help them get further, but to help me get further *spits* and that’s what I am going to do.”

“My only concern” Maralyn piped in with, “is not with either of them, it’s with Gabby. I think the whole emotional aspect is a bit contrived.”

[Confessional] Maralyn: “Just this morning on that mat, I gave Stephen Fishbach, or Gilligan as I like to call him a hidden immunity idol. That was a mistake on my part, but the poor fella looked like he had his heart set on being my friend. What was I supposed to do?…..Hold on a sec. *She reaches into her chest pocket and pulls out a blue 10 mg adderall and swigs it down with her canteen* Now that’s the power of a Mad Dog. Roof Roof!”

Turning to Maralyn, Randy said “I actually think Keith is right on this one, I have been on Rob has a Podcast many times and I’ve never liked Fishbach. He’s always been dismissive of me and I’d love to see him gone.”

Maralyn could only fake her emotions as she leaned her forearm against a tree. “If it’s Stephen or Ciera, than I’ll go with you three and take out either Stephen or Ciera. Lauren how do you feel?”

“Well” she said as she shouldered the last of the canteens. “I like em both for sure, but I sure as hell don’t need em. Heck, we go to tribal right now I want Patrick gone, but if he’s gotta wait his turn then that’s fine with me.”

The four of them shook hands and walked back to the beach, where Patrick had attempted to build a shelter with Gabby. Noticing the group he turned to them “Hey thanks for the help.” Patrick said sarcastically. “Lord, have mercy on my soul” Lauren grumbled to herself.

Roark Luskin – Day Two

Patrick sat alone at the firepit, of course there was no fire there yet. Da, the local native wouldn’t be showing up until the break of dawn. Patrick took a deep yawn in the early morning darkness.

[Confessional] Patrick: “I really don’t want this guy coming here thinking that we have nothing prepared for him, so I decided to get some wood ready for him.”

As the other 7 members of the Roark Luskin tribe attempted to sleep under their pathetic excuse of a shelter, they were awoken by the sound of someone trampling through the jungle. “Is that a goat?!” whispered Maralyn to the group. “I don’t know, but someone better kill it.” said Gabby as she pulled her buff down over her face. As the group huddled in fear they were greeted by the pale outline of a tall blonde male. “If that’s Patrick, I’ll throw a softball right at his goddamn head.” said Lauren in an angry rage. They watched as he grabbed a giant log and smashed it onto the pile of firewood that he had collected. Angry, the tribe ignored him and continued to lay.

Patrick walked deep into the forest to find better logs and was surprised when he found a brightly lit metal lantern, illuminating the jungle. Sparklers lit up the area and a giant red arrow pointed to an immunity idol hanging from a tree. Patrick quickly ran over and grabbed it.

[Confessional] Patrick: It took seconds of searching, but I found a hidden immunity idol! This game is mine. I still don’t want Lauren to know who I am, and the first chance I get I’m taking her out” He laughed to himself and ran back to camp just as Da was pulling up and the sun was rising.

Da pulled up in the same Canoe that he had paddled away from Yasur beach in. In fact, he never even went home. He headed straight from Yasur to Fiji, taking short breaks to Las Vegas in the meantime. He made it big there, but unfortunately lost it all to his addictive gambling habit. He now returned to live in the jungle with nothing but a machete, a grass skirt and a giant chip on his shoulder against Western society.

However, as the Roark Luskin tribe stood at the edge of their beach, they noticed that Da was not alone. Over the sound of the crashing waves they could hear some faint singing. As they paddled closer and closer they could make out the outline of a woman in a navy blue dress. “WE ARE SURVIVORS” she yelled.

[Confessional] Stephen: “So we’re just standing there waiting for Da to come and show us how to make a magnificent campsite, when I could have sworn that I heard Josh Wigler. I was so excited! However, it turned out to just be Wanda.”

Wanda and Da pulled up to the shore and jumped out of their canoes. Wanda, ecstatic as always went around hugging all members of the Roark Luskin tribe.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me with this bullshit.” Randy grumbled to Keith. Keith nodded his head back “Roger that”

Da walked right up the beach, machete in hand and pointed it directly at Gabby and then at Ciera. “You or you. Eliza?” They both shook their heads in confusement. It seemed as though Da thought that the original Yasur members were going to be on this beach. “Ahh” he grumbled as he stomped away.

For the next 24 hours, Da showed the Roark Luskin tribe how to cut down and weave palm fronds, put together their entire shelter and gave a starving Gabby half of the rotisserie chicken that Chet couldn’t finish. Nobody knows how he got it. She graciously sat down and ate it.

As they sat around the campfire that night, Wanda continued to sing. In fact, she had never stopped singing since her arrival. Finally, Randy snapped and asked her to shut the fuck up. With a smile, Wanda nodded her head and said “You know, all the world will see that Survivor ten was best.” She then reached into her bag and gave Randy a wrapped package. “Randy, for being brave enough to tell me to shut up, you have received the Wanda Grammy Advantage. This advantage will help you when you need it most. The rest of the tribe looked around in shock as Randy just stared at this crazy woman. “We go. Now.” Da said as he put his arm around Wanda. They paddled away into the sunset, passing Osten who was drowning in the middle of the sea. “I need some help!” he screamed. Wanda threw him a Snickers bar and explained how they used to sponsor Survivor. “Best of luck” she yelled at him as he held the Snickers bar and sunk below the waves.

[Confessional] Randy: “So this crazy old broad comes into camp and won’t shut up, everyone else is too much of a GOD DAMN PUSSY to shut her up so of course I had to be the adult and do it. And you know what? It got me this.” *He holds up the advantage, which is a wooden grammy award, complete in frame and with inscription.*

He flips it over and reads the directions. “Congratulations, you have had the courage to tell Wanda to finally shut up. For that, you have won yourself the Wanda Grammy Advantage. This advantage allows you to put a ball gag into any tribemate’s mouth for 24 uninterrupted hours. It can be used at any point in the game except if the player is still in the game at Final Tribal Council.”

“Now this” he says as he holds back tears “is a fucking gift. Corinne, wherever you are with that damn Alpaca, I hope you’re as excited as I am for this advantage.”

Immunity Challenge

“Come on in guys!” announces Jeff Probst. Both the Richard Hatch and Roark Luskin tribes come walking in, all smiles. Keith stops to spit, Patrick trips over Keith and falls on the ground. “Patrick, you alright?” asks Lauren in her trademark accent. “You….you know who I am?” he asks in astonishment. “Yeah dummy, now get up. You’ve been embarrassing us for too long.” Patrick stands back up, brushes the sand off of himself and looks around, laughing nervously.

[Confessional] Patrick: “I don’t know who the hell told Lauren who I am, but I’m pissed. This dye job was NOT cheap. I bet it was Ciera, she knows hairstyling.”

“Alright guys, welcome to your first immunity challenge of Survivor: What the Fuck.” The teams mostly cheer. Dr. Jill golf claps, while Randy stares directly at Probst with an angry grin on his face. “Today you are playing for this” says Jeff as he uncovers the tribal immunity idol. It’s a statue bust of Rupert. But it’s a bust of Rupert after he was just voted out in the Pearl Islands, he looks sad and dejected. “Haha, fuck you Rupert!” yells Fairplay.

Jeff stands in front of a two parachutes, like the ones used in kindergarten. One is Orange for Richard Hatch, while the other is Yellow for Roark Luskin. Jeff explains “Each tribe will have 5 people holding this parachute up as the other two members attempt to find former tribe names in a word search. After they successfully find a word, a heavy medicine ball will drop from their shoot and will land in their parachute. Be careful, each medicine ball weighs 10 pounds. Once you have found all 10 words and have all 10 balls in your parachute, all 7 of you will work together to transport all 1,000 pounds of it 100 yards down the beach to a wooden rack. Each medicine ball has a letter on it. Take the 10 medicine balls and figure out the ten letter phrase. First tribe to solve the phrase and yell it out wins immunity. Richard Hatch, you lost Chris Noble yesterday due to the Cirie elimination and are down a member, which means Roark Luskin, you must sit out a man for this challenge. And because this is Survivor: What the Fuck we will not be allowing you to pick who will be sitting out. We have a special guest for that.

Four helicopters come flying in and land on the beach, everyone has their hands up to protect their eyes. Caryn has pulled her third buff completely over her face, she’s also facing the other way.

The first helicopter drops off Dr. Joe, the second drops off Dr. Ramona and the third drops off a wheelchair and a bag of medical supplies. “This is all just a precaution!” yells Jeff over the sound of the rotors. As the helicopter blades stop spinning, the door of the fourth helicopter slides open, revealing a previous Survivor player. He will be determining who will be sitting out for Roark Luskin. He grabs the top of his head with one hand, and holds onto the exit railing as Dr. Joe and Dr. Ramona help him out and settle him into the beach wheelchair. He is then covered with a blanket to keep him a secret.

“Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome back a Survivor Legend!”

Russell Hantz runs from behind a bewildered Jeff Probst.

“I’m a LEGEND, I CHANGED this game. Ain’t NOBODY as good at Survivor as me!”

“Shut the FUCK up” yells Randy

“Fuck off troll!” screams Ciera

“NO! Russell get the hell out of here!” screams Jeff. A producer runs over to Russell, who is still wearing his hidden immunity idol from Samoa and scoops him up in a crabbing net. The producer throws him over his shoulder and walks away with him. Faintly, the castaways could hear Russell as he protested.

“WOW” exclaims Jeff Probst, shocked at what he just saw. Stephen looks horrified as Keith asks Lauren who that was. “Was that the announcer guy from The Hunger Games?” Lauren grumbles “No.” as she fights back anger.

“Anyway, let’s get back to our real Survivor Legend!” By this point, the wheelchair has made it across the beach and the covered figure sits there motionless. “Roark Luskin, your sit out decision will be made by the one and only…” *He uncovers the blanket* “Rudy Boesch!”

Everybody cheers, even Keith knows who that is. Rudy asks for some ice chips and raises his hand half-way to greet everybody. “Rudy, you played this game over two decades ago and it’s changed so much. So much so that we kidnapped you from your home and brought you out to Fiji.” “Yeah” he mumbles. “Now Rudy! Because you are such a Survivor Legend and an AMERICAN Hero, you have a very important job to do.” Rudy doesn’t respond, he just stares at the contestants.

“The Roark Luskin tribe is up one tribe member and to make this challenge even you have the honor of selecting who will sit out. It has to be a male contestant from the yellow tribe” Jeff states. Rudy turns his head towards Jeff and smirks, he’s been waiting for this moment ever since his grandson gave him an impassioned speech. “Ya know Jeff, Gender is a social construct made up by humans to disenfranchise the rest. I’d like to pick whoever I want.” A stunned Jeff stands there with his eyes the size of dinner plates. “WOW, back in season one you were well known for using words like Queer and homosexual to describe your tribemember, Rich.” “Ya” Rudy responds “But this just goes to show how true Survivor is! How it can not only change your perception of yourself, but of others as well. Rudy, you have come a long way.”

Everyone on the mats starts to clap, cheering for Rudy’s wokeness.

“You can choose whoever you want.” says Jeff

Rudy asks Jeff for the rules to the challenge and then scans the members of the Roark Luskin tribe. “Tell me the rules again” he asks. Jeff goes on to explain three more times how the challenge will run. “Ya sure, I’ll compete.” Rudy says as he attempts to stand from his beach wheelchair. Dr. Joe and Dr. Ramona rush over and ensure that he is seated. Jeff then explains to him again how he is only choosing who will sit out. “Oh…I dunno.” he states. Finally, after searching the Roark Luskin tribe over three times he comes to a conclusion. “I pick the one who voted out her Mom.” Ciera grabs her bag and walks over to the sit out bench that Chelsea had brought out yesterday. “Family first, bitch.” Rudy grumbles to Ciera as he is wheeled back to his helicopter. They all take off and Jeff turns back to the group of 14 players.

“Alright, let’s get to this. Richard Hatch and Roark Luskin pick your puzzle solvers and your parachute holders.”

Richard Hatch places Chet and Dr. Jill as their word finders. Roark Luskin chooses Stephen and Maralyn. While nobody is looking Maralyn pulls a pill case out of her bikini top and pops 10 MG of adderall. “I’m ready” she says with a wink to the camera.

Everyone stands ready as Jeff raises his arm. “Survivors ready?! GO!” he shouts.

The tribes cheer on their teammates as they scan the giant chalkboard, searching for tribe names from previous seasons. “That wall must be 40 feet high.” Angelina mentions to nobody but herself.

“Dr. Jill with the first word!” Jeff exclaims as she circles the word Kucha. With that a giant black medicine ball rolls down the shoot sideways and then straight down to her tribe’s parachute. Richard Hatch holds firm as the ball bounces and then settles. By this point Chet has found a second, circling Millennials. The second ball drops just as Maralyn circles both Jacare and Tadhana. “Ain’t nothing for a gal like me!” she yells as both tribes even up. The game goes back and forth as all four puzzle solvers find tribe names. Stephen and Maralyn have found 8, while Chet and Dr. Jill have found 9. Gabby screams out in frustration as she struggles to hold up the now very heavy parachute. Chet wipes his hand across his forehead, which is still gashed open from the reward challenge, still nobody notices his blood covered hand and face. Mad Dog hollars as Stephen circles Malakal, tying up the game at 9 words each. Bret looks up and starts yelling at Dr. Jill “Chapera, Jill, Chapera!” she scans the board and finds the letter C. Running up diagonally is the word Chapera and with that the last ball drops into the laden parachute. Dr. Jill jumps down and goes to hold the net. Chet trips on his own feet and falls off the platform, landing onto the parachute, hitting his head once again on the medicine balls. “Come on man!” Bret yells as Fairplay drags him off the parachute. With Chet up, they hold the parachute and start speed walking across the sand. At this point, Stephen is standing with his arms crossed staring at the board, Maralyn takes another hit of her vape and chuckles to herself. She turns to Stephen with a grin on her face and grumbles “Bingo, motherfucker” as she circles Zapatera. With that, the Roark Luskin tribe has all their balls and begins to follow Richard Hatch.

Richard Hatch reaches the ball stand first and drops their parachute. “Spread out the letters!” screams Caryn, although her words come out muffled. She still has her buff covering her entire face. Lydia pulls it down for her and Caryn thanks her. They rearrange all the letters and put them on the stand, looking for the phrase. Roark Luskin has caught up and is also rearranging their letters. “Shaint?!” yells Keith as he looks over the letters. “Idiot” mumbles Randy.

Both tribes rearrange their letters back and forth for over 5 minutes, but finally one tribe thinks they have it and call over Jeff Probst. He looks down at his index card and asks the tribe to yell it out “JACKKNIVES!” screams Richard Hatch as a tribe. “RICHARD HATCH WINS IMMUNITY!” screams Jeff Probst as he raises both hands in the air. A dejected Roark Luskin either falls to the ground or rests their head on the medicine balls. “Ah hell, we almost had it.” said Keith as he spits.

Back on their tribe mats, Jeff speaks to both groups. “Richard Hatch, congratulations!” They cheer as they are given the dejected looking statue of Rupert Boneham. All choked up, Lydia tells Jeff that Rupert needs a buff. “He’s a part of our tribe, he needs to feel at home.” she says. Shrugging, Jeff pulls an orange buff out from behind his podium and throws it to Lydia. Caryn asks if she can have it and puts it around her elbow in an X pattern, like Boston Rob. “I’M SO HAPPY!!!” she exclaims. “Richard Hatch, you may have lost Chris Noble yesterday, but you won’t lose anyone at our first tribal council. Grab your stuff and head on back to camp.” Jeff then turns to Roark Luskin. “Guys, you gave it your all today but I bet none of you thought the final word would be JACKKNIFE.” They all nod. Tomorrow, you will have your first tribal council where you will vote out your first member of the tribe. Head on back to camp. I’ll see you then.”

Roark Luskin: Day Three – Pre-Tribal

The Roark Luskin tribe awoke to a day of dread. Not only had they lost the challenge, but they lost it by “less than a minute” according to Maralyn. Last night at the campfire she explained to the tribe how she actually has a collection of over 400 jackknives and that she should have known better.

[Confessional] Maralyn: Do I have 400 jackknives back at home? You bet your damn ass I do. Remember that tanning bed I bought after playing in the Outback? Yeah well I burned myself so badly that the company took it back for free so I wouldn’t sue. I needed a new hobby and jackknives it became.” She taps her digideroo with her hands. “Boy, do I feel stupid.”

Back in the jungle the four person alliance from before stood around discussing the vote. Lauren, Randy, Keith and Maralyn. Lauren held a piece of a shell in her hands as they discussed who to target. “All I’m saying is that I want Patrick gone, and I for sure as hell know that he’s gunning for me. I mean the kid is like a bag of rocks, he didn’t even know that I knew who he was until he fell yesterday walking into the challenge, I mean y’all see that?” Randy nodded as he agreed with Lauren. “I don’t want a dumbass around camp, last time I lost to one and this time I’m not going to out up with that again.” he explained.

[Confessional] Keith: “I was so happy that Lauren put out Patrick’s name and then Randy jumped right on it like a fox. I don’t want to be dictating the vote this soon, later I will hell yeah, but not now. Looks like little Blondie Patrick is going to be the first to go.”

Maralyn heaved a deep sigh as she stood around the group. She didn’t want to reveal her sharing of the idol with Stephen, but over the last several days she started to grow wary of him.

[Confessional] Maralyn: “I should have never given Stephen that idol. I know he isn’t our main priority but I don’t want the others knowing that I gave it to him.”

The four alliance members put their hands together and agreed that tonight it was going to be Patrick Bolton who would be voted out. They had forgiven Ciera for her lie about Troyzan.

Back at camp, Patrick was growing more and more paranoid now that nobody would talk to him. After Lauren discovered who he was at the immunity challenge, he knew that his days were numbered. Sitting next to Gabby he stated how nervous he was. “What?” she said through tears “I said I’m really nervous.” he repeated “Why are you so nervous?” she asked “Because Lauren hates me and she knows I’m here now, I want her gone. I may not have the numbers, but I do have a surprise.” Gabby popped up at this comment and sat side to side with Patrick and asked him what his surprise was. “Well yesterday morning as I was preparing for Da, I found a giant arrow lit up with torches and lanterns, it literally pointed right at a hidden immunity idol.” Gabby gasped. “I think I have an idea.” Patrick said “Me and you try and pull in Keith, Stephen and Maralyn, We take out Lauren tonight. If I hear my name, I’m playing that freaking idol man.” Gabby smiles and fist bumps Patrick. “Game on” she says with a laugh.

Stephen Fishbach was later approached by Gabby and Patrick and was told about Patrick’s idol. He immediately joined their alliance and promised to vote Lauren tonight. He didn’t tell them about Maralyn’s idol gift, and kept that to himself. Patrick and Gabby then met up with Maralyn and Keith down by the water as they searched for snails. Patrick gave them his pitch and stated how scary Lauren was as a player and how they would all be sucked into her charm. Maralyn hummed as she pulled snails off of rocks and said she wasn’t sure. That’s when Gabby broke the news that caused Maralyn to drop all her snails. “Stephen is with us too.” Her snails all dropped back in between the rocks. Attempting to cover her surprise she exclaimed “Ahh! Recollect!”

[Confessional] Maralyn: “I was approached by Gabrielle and Patrick about taking out Lauren tonight. I already have my core alliance with Keith, Randy and Lauren. I was just going to entertain the thought of the alliance they proposed until Gabby dropped that little bomb on the conversation. Stephen’s on board. If that’s true, all they need is 1 more vote and it’s all tied up. Either we get Ciera and have the majority, or they get her and it’s a tie.”

Patrick Bolton reached Ciera first and pulled her into the bushes. “Listen, the lines have been drawn and we have three votes guaranteed right now. It’s me, Gabby, Stephen and possibly you and Keith. If we can get you then we can get Keith and take out Lauren.”

[Confessional] Ciera: “Okay, so as long as I’m not going home first, I’m on board. Lauren really pissed me off with the whole Troyzan saga and I wouldn’t mind going to tribal to spell her name.”

An hour before tribal council, Keith and Ciera met at the water hole. They both were approached by the duo of Patrick and Gabby. Ciera bought fully into Patrick’s story and jumped on board. They were officially at four votes. Keith however, was committed to his main alliance and wanted to target Patrick. He tried to point out the cons of keeping Patrick over Lauren but Ciera wasn’t having any of it. Keith left the conversation knowing that it was going to be a tie, while Ciera left certain that Keith would be joining her, Gabby, Patrick, Stephen and Maralyn to take out Lauren.

[Confessional] Keith: “Ya all know that the first vote is always going to be the most difficult in these returning seasons, not cause we don’t know each other, but cause we all know just how desperate we all are not to go home first. I ain’t siding with Patrick, the kids a goon. I need to figure out how to break this tie.

Tribal Council #1 – Night 3

The Roark Luskin entered into the tribal council area clad in their yellow buffs. The tribal council was decorated with every torch of every person to ever play Survivor, strangely enough including Melissa McNulty. It was more of a decorative shrine of the power of loss, and it was meant to showcase the failure of every Survivor contestant before them. As they entered the tribal council, each player stopped and banged on the ceremonial gong and also took a moment of silence at the torch of Debb Eaton. Debb had not died, but she was the game’s first moral causality. They stood around the fire, across from Jeff Probst who stood with his hands clasped behind his back.

“Welcome to tribal council. Behind each of you is a torch, take one and dip it in the fire. As you know, in this game fire represents life. Once your fire is gone so are you.”

The players all dipped their torches into the fire and then placed them back into their holsters. As they all sat down, Lauren Rimmer realized that her stump had a bit of a wobble to it. She reached down to re-adjust and saw that under one of the legs was a small packet. She quietly and quickly snuck it into her pocket.

“Well, welcome back to Survivor!” greeted Jeff Probst. All of the players smiled back at him and thanked him for having the chance to come back. “‘Don’t thank me! Thank America! They voted you back into this game.’

“Roger that” replied Keith

“So Mad Dog, it’s been a long time since you last played, how has this experience changed since you last played?”

She takes a deep breath and leans back “Well for one thing Jeff, I’m a hell of a lot older!” she replied with a raspy laugh.

The rest of the tribe giggles.

“But this time around it’s much more quicker and cutthroat.”

“And how do you fit into that?”

“I’d like to think I keep up with the rest of them, maybe even ahead of them.” Maralyn replied with a wink.

Jeff launched his next question at Lauren “Lauren, what’s this group like? What’s everyone’s function?

“Well Jeff, we got them worker bees and them chatter bees but all together I’d say we all mostly get along. We got some bumps, but we like each other.”

“Bumps. You said bumps, could you explain?

“Well we got Ciera over here swearin on her mother that she was voted out by a fella named Troyzan, which we all know ain’t true.”

*Ciera rolls her eyes, she’s clearly given up on trying to convince the tribe that Troyzan in fact did play a second time.*

“And we got Patrick over here who thought a dollar store dye job would hide his identity from me!”

On cue Patrick starts laughing “Whaaaaaat?! I never tried to hide anything from anybody.”

“Oh yeah? Well then why the heck did you tell me your name was Devon? You know Devon was on our same tribe and I know for sure what he looks like….You see Jeff, this is why you never trust a redhead. “

Jeff laughs as Patrick tries to defend himself.

“Jeff, It doesn’t matter to me now that Lauren knows who I am. She knows I’m voting for her and she knows that she’s going home. There’s nothing she can do.”

“Lauren, is that true?” asks Jeff

“Ya know, Patrick says a lot of things that aren’t true, and that right there is one of them. He ain’t got the slightest bit of bait on his fishin hook, but he’s still trying to catch a fish. Lemme just say something Patrick, you’re going home hungry tonight.”

Jeff then turned to Stephen. “Stephen, you’ve played with Keith and Ciera. What’s it like to be with them here again?”

“I honestly am a bit torn, you always want to know the most about the people you’re playing with, but you don’t want them to know everything about you.” he replied

Jeff stands. “And with that, it is time to vote. Patrick you’re up.”

Patrick bounced up to the voting booth and in large letters he spells out [LAUREN]

“Lauren, you got me last time, but I’m bigger, better and smarter”

Next up was Gabby, who voted the same.

Keith Nale held onto his knees as he walked up the steep steps to the voting booth, as he passed the torches he looked at some of them. He saw Missy’s name tag hanging onto hers. “Bitch” he whispered under his voice.

[Patrick]

“Boy, you gonna hurt yourself faster than anything if you don’t get outta here.”

He placed his vote in the urn and walked back.

Randy and Mad Dog came up next, Randy quickly cast his vote and sat back down. Maralyn used her time to admire the torches, take in the scenery and casually wrote down Patrick on her parchment.

“Patrick, if you were lying in the middle of the Simpson dying of thirst, every single one of us would give you….just kidding I already gave this confessional before. Good luck kid.”

Stephen Fishbach came up next, cast his vote and was followed by Ciera Eastin.

She wrote down Laura and then had to cross it out. She then wrote Lauren and held it up to the camera.

“Lauren, you’re a threat. I’ll go to rocks again. I don’t care.”

Lauren was the last to go as she went up and uncapped her pen. She quickly scribbled down Patrick’s name.

“You’re a fool, kid.”

Before she tossed her vote into the urn she opened the package that she had found under her seat. She read it to herself and smiled.

With that the die had been cast, 4 votes for Lauren and 4 for Patrick. It was a battle of the Hustlers.

Jeff Probst returned to his podium with the voting urn.

“If anyone has a hidden immunity idol or an advantage and would like to play it, now would be the time to do so.”

Everyone looked around at each other, staring each other down until there was movement.

Patrick Bolton gleefully stood up and pulled his hidden immunity idol out of his pocket. Gabby squealed with delight as Lauren covered her face. He handed it to Jeff and said that he was playing it for himself.

Jeff announced “This is a hidden immunity idol. Any votes cast for Patrick will not count. Once the votes are read the decision is final, the person voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I’ll read the votes.”

One by one Jeff pulled out the votes

[Patrick] “Does not count”

[Patrick] “Does not count”

[Patrick] “Does not count”

[Patrick] “Does not count”

Patrick and Gabby were beaming, they looked over at Fishbach and Ciera who had giant grins on their faces.

[Lauren]

She sat stone faced

[Lauren]

[Lauren]

“Last vote”

[Lauren]

“Lauren, that’s enough. You’ll need to bring me your torch.

“Yeah, bout that Jeff…” she said as she reached into the pocket of her shorts and pulled out the package.

Patrick’s jaw dropped and Gabby covered her mouth. Randy wasn’t paying attention and was watching the Bachelor on a producer’s iPad.

“I’d like to play this advantage please.” she said as she handed it to Jeff Probst.

Jeff opened the advantage and read it aloud as Lauren sat back down.

“Congratulations, you have found the ‘single re-vote after idols have been played’ advantage. In the event that you are voted out, you and only you can cast a vote for anyone on this tribe who has not played a hidden immunity idol or any other kind of advantage. All votes against you become null and void, because why not? What the fuck?”

Patrick took a deep breath and laid back on his stool, grateful that he couldn’t be eliminated.

Jeff then turned to the Roark Luskin tribe. “This means that nobody has received any votes at this tribal council. Lauren will vote now and whoever she picks will be the first person to be voted out. Lauren you cannot vote for Patrick because he played an idol. Lauren, It’s time for you to vote.”

Lauren walked up to the podium one more time as the rest of her tribe looked on anxiously. Randy even paused the Bachelor.

Lauren picked up the voting marker and scribbled down a name, held it up to the camera and spoke. She then folded it up and placed it inside the voting urn and shrugged.

“I’ll go tally the vote.” said Jeff as climbed the stairs to get the urn.

“Once the vote is read the decision is final, the person Lauren voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I’ll read the vote.”

Jeff took the parchment out of the paper and held it in his hands, he looked up to the tribe and said “The first person voted out of Survivor: What the Fuck is…” he turned it around and the tribe gasped.

“Stephen”

“Stephen, that’s enough. I’ll need you to bring me your torch.”

A stunned and shocked Stephen brought his torch up to Jeff, the whole time asking why, but Lauren stared stone faced into the fire.

He slid his torch into the slot and looked up at Jeff.

“Stephen, Lauren has spoken.” He extinguished his torch. “It’s time for you to go.”

Stephen walked out of the tribal council area into the dark as the rest of the tribe reeled from her decision. Keith sat there with a smile, Patrick looked relieved and Gabby was crying. Maralyn asked if anyone would like to rip her Juul real quick, but everybody said no because they weren’t a pussy. She shrugged and put it in her mouth.

“Well, if that wasn’t a shocking first vote than I don’t know what was. It seems like Roark Luskin has a lot of healing to do. Head on back to camp. Goodnight.”

Final Words: Stephen (One Vote/Lauren’s single re-vote after idols have been played advantage)

Stephen: What in the actual fuck just happened. I was friends with Mad Dog for almost 20 years, she gives me this idol and then pretends that she doesn’t even know me? And then Keith says he’s with us? This whole thing just really pisses me off….*he stands up and walks away without finishing*

End of Episode 1: Part 2