LAST week’s episode of Real Housewives of Sydney climaxed with a public showdown that was arguably the most spectacular car crash television since Madison Avenue’s cotton mouthed performance at the 2000 ARIA Awards.

Relive the madness for yourself here.

This week, Lisa Oldfield takes a back seat (and a much-needed detox) — but Athena’s still committed to finding new and inventive ways to insult her fellow cast members.

But first, delightfully unintelligible cosmetic queen Matty is planning a Persian feast for the other women, so she’s off shopping for a tonne of expensive caviar.

“Probably could become a lesbian eating a lot of this … it tastes quite fishy, but in a nice way,” she says, winking at the visibly uncomfortable caviar salesman as she licks her lips.

She’s also buying a $500 bottle of balsamic vinegar (if the bottle’s any smaller than an Olympic swimming pool you’re getting ripped off, hun) and some flavourless edible gold, “for the house.”

The caviar itself costs a little over a thousand dollars, which Matty remarks is “Very good; I mean look at the size.”

Indeed, look at the size:

Sidenote: Cast members regarding expensive luxury items as great value is one of the most enjoyably ludicrous tropes of this very silly show. ‘Edible diamonds, trillion dollars per ounce? MMMM YES GREAT FOR SCHOOL LUNCHES.’

Across town, Athena and Nicole meet for a drink. Last time we saw Athena, she was practically foaming at the mouth, telling Nicole to “Get f**ked” and screaming “THIS IS MY TURF!” in the middle of her art exhibition.

But as Athena sees it, it was Nicole who behaved appallingly.

“All of you were bad. You all walked in ready to fight me,” she insists.

Nicole disagrees, and Athena quickly gets heated.

“Are you so perfect? Are you so perfect? Maybe that should be your name, Little Miss Perfect,” she says, leaning in close. She then delivers her own unflattering impression of ‘Little Miss Perfect’ Nicole:

“Obviously I’ve struck a chord with you,” Nicole offers calmly.

“You know what that chord is? I CAN’T STAND BULLS**T AND I CAN’T STAND IDIOTS. CONGRATULATIONS … CAPTAIN EYEBROWS.”

Captain Eyebrows? Wow. Way harsh, Athena.

But now that you mention it ... oh god oh god Nicole we’re sorry for this:

“You SCARE me and you BORE me! With those eyebrows always lifted, I feel like I’ve done something bad,” Athena continues, now giving Nicole her best ‘Captain Eyebrows’ impression.

We’re not sure how it’s possible to be both scared and bored at the same time, but if anyone can do it, it’s Athena.

But wait, she’s not done.

“Nicole, why you such a pain sack? RELAX,” she says, clutching her wine. “Be COOL. Be COOL, man.”

Nicole points out that it’s hard to ‘be cool’ when you’re faced with a torrent of insults.

“F**K THAT WORD, ‘INSULT’! You’re an idiot, do you know that you’re an idiot?”

At this point, Athena seems perilously close to grabbing Nicole’s hand and asking her to ‘Stop hitting yourself! Why are you hitting yourself?’

“I can do what the f**k I want at 40, DARLINGGGG,” Athena screams, slapping her chest with one hand.

“F**k off, alright? You’re a BORE, and a PAIN SACK — CAPTAIN EYEBROWS.”

With that, Athena takes a hearty swig of her white wine. If you have one nearby, we’d suggest you do the same.

Nicole collects her eyebrows and silently leaves the restaurant, leaving Athena, once more, to wallow in her own rage while horrified non-Housewife civilians look on.

Next we’re in Melbourne, where Victoria and Krissy are visiting an Online Investigator (yes, apparently that is an actual job and not just something I do to sexually attractive strangers who’ve been tagged in my friends’ Facebook photos) in hopes of answering a big question: the whereabouts of Victoria’s father, who left her mother when she was just a baby.

This is a serious, emotional scene, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask the most pressing question here: Why have they both turned up like they’re auditioning for a Dynasty remake? The giant hair, that white pantsuit — Victoria’s even draped in a fur, for god’s sake:

The news for Victoria is big, but mixed — her father moved home to the UK and remarried, and she has three half-siblings she never knew about. But the man himself died in a road accident in 1983, just weeks after his youngest child was born.

“It’s such a sad story,” Victoria sighs, wiping away tears. “It’s really sad.”

Next we’re with Athena and Lisa on a shopping trip — actually, scratch that, an EXTREME IMAGE MAKEOVER for Lisa.

“She is ready to be TRANSFORMED,” Athena tells their stylist and personal shopper.

“I didn’t actually realise I needed transforming, but there we go,” says Lisa.

If all this sounds eerily familiar, it’s because Athena pulled exactly the same move on Melissa a few weeks back, inviting her out for a shopping trip only to announce it was actually a fashion intervention. Because nothing cements a friendship like saying “SURPRISE! I think you look like s**t.”

Reclining on a sofa, champagne in hand, Athena plays the fashion expert role to the hilt, even quoting the great Coco Chanel, whose name she pronounces as “Cuckoo Chenille”.

Athena’s makeover blueprint for Lisa: Dress more like me, dumb dumb. Unfortunately Lisa ends up looking more Puss in Boots than Babe in Clothes, and she’s not exactly thrilled with the new duds:

The pair reflect on what went down at the art gallery last week, both agreeing that the fault lies with the other Housewives — or as Lisa dubs them, “the moll patrol.”

“They’re a bunch of two-faced snakes,” Athena agrees. “They don’t have emotional intelligence.”

A lecture on emotional intelligence from the woman who earlier chased her castmate out of a restaurant screaming “F**K OFF CAPTAIN EYEBROWS”? Why, it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Finally it’s time for Matty’s ‘Persian party’, and she’s nervous about how the ladies will get along. Thankfully, she’s enlisted the perfect social lubricant — a camp waiter named Peter who is loving himself sick.

“You’re fabulous, Peter,” Krissy tells him.

“I KNOWWWW!” he purrs back, clicking his fingers. OK, can the producers please chuck a wig on Peter and get him back next season as the eighth Real Housewife.

Lisa’s off the alcohol because she’s on medication, which means we probably won’t get any slurred insults about “sucking c**k” from her like we did last week, more’s the pity.

The women start off with a round of caviar — then another. Athena’s instantly irritated: She tells the others that to eat more than a little caviar at a time is sheer gluttony.

“Says who? I buy two-kilo tins,” says Nicole.

“You would need two-kilo tins to be full,” Athena shoots back.

Athena then sidles up next to Melissa, telling her she hopes she hasn’t been ‘brainwashed’ by the other girls, and that she didn’t actually slag her off at the gallery (Fact check — yes she did).

Krissy — who once again has hair higher than Fran Fine’s — interjects, telling Athena she came to her exhibition with an open mind. At least, we think that’s what she’s saying:

“I walked in and I thought, you know what? This is amazing. I’d heard your art’s really boring and really average and I know people that throw it in the dumpster. But I thought, ‘Athena’s actually done a really good job’.’’

Umm … thanks?

Nicole joins the fray, telling Athena that she needs to realise her behaviour at the gallery was really quite rude.

“Oh, here comes Captain Eyebrows,” is Athena’s (really quite rude) response.

“Talk to the hand. Talk to my six-carat diamond, you bitch,” she continues.

Nicole snaps.

“You know what? I have an eight and a half,” she yells, rising from her seat and shoving her ring in Athena’s face (lol).

“Shove it up your arse! Shove it up your arse!” Athena chants in response, perhaps hoping the rest of the table will join in (they don’t).

Here, once again for those of you playing at home, is Athena’s impression of Nicole ‘Captain Eyebrows’ O’Neill:

We’re barely on the second course and Nicole and Athena have already had stand-up fights about both caviar and diamonds. Surely a tearful Fabergé egg-themed confrontation is only moments away.

Melissa tries to drum some sense into Athena: “Nobody wants to hate other women. They will accept you if you show them that softer side, but all they see is you putting them down,” she tells her.

Athena protests, so Victoria jumps in, pointing out that the first time they met, Athena called her fat.

“But you are. That’s the truth,” Athena shrugs.

The others pile on Athena for her rudeness — but rather than going on the attack, she suddenly breaks down in tears, crumpling in front of them.

“None of you have lived what I’ve lived. When you grow up as a child with a father that goes in and out of hospital … and all you’ve ever known is a hospital waiting room. And your father has had his brains smashed from a truck running him over … and he’s on so much medication that all he does is bash you and your mother to a pulp,” she says between sobs.

It’s an awful story, and she continues, tearfully recounting the bullying she faced at school while having to deal with abuse at home. The others suggest that it may go some way to explaining why she’s so defensive when faced with this group of strong women.

“As soon as you feel confrontation — which might not be confrontation — you protect yourself, so you escalate it,” says Krissy.

Krissy then explains why her temper is running high: She’s been dutifully supporting bestie Victoria this week, reeling from the news her father died decades ago and she has an entire family she never knew about.

As the others react to this bombshell, Athena quickly leaves the table, Lisa rushing to comfort her as she cries in the toilet.

“I’m looking at Athena and she’s broken … yet all the sympathy is going to Victoria, whose father died, like, 40 years ago,” says Lisa. “Am I missing something?”

Uh, perhaps the ability to feel empathy for more than one person at a time?

Next week: Athena reflects on her ‘spiritual meltdown’ and Victoria refuses to invite her to her product launch, fearing she’s too much of a loose cannon. But things still turn disastrous thanks to an univted guest with an axe to grind.

The Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. Check back here straight after each episode for our full recap — until then, chat all things Housewives with recapper and pain sack Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.