It’s been a wild week for those of us who’ve been keeping up with the Kris and Luhan epic. February began with SM Entertainment filing their own lawsuit against Kris and Luhan, and releasing a statement claiming that the former Exo members were undergoing “illegal activities” in China. Putting aside all the legal jargon and fan reactions aside, Kris and Luhan went about their business, meeting publicly for the first time last week at a rehearsal for CCTV‘s annual Spring Gala Festival. SM Entertainment followed with a second lawsuit against Luhan shortly after, applying further legal pressure on the jedi tandem. And then just days ago, the empire struck back with more force than ever. CCTV suddenly announced that Kris and Luhan will not be appearing in Spring Gala Festival, China’s largest televised event of the year.

In light of recent events, Kris and Luhan called for a joint press conference for the very first time since they filed their respective lawsuits against SM Entertainment to address some of the allegations which have been lobbied against them by their former employer. Key statements from the press conference have been roughly translated below by Seoulbeats’ very own Mark and Amy L.

Luhan

We’re gathered here today to publicly talk about this lawsuit

Despite what you may have heard, their words are duplicitous and all hoot

It’s been quite some time now since we’ve given them the tall boot

And ‘til they accept the Nullification, further discussion will be all moot

We will not remain silent as we seek to confront this bully

They’ve infringed upon our rights and now we’re fighting back more fully

We will strike down upon them with the same ruthless relent and cruelty

Yet respond with more tact than how they handled Choiza and Sulli

For sending staff to stalk our homes, we suggest they take a bow

Such actions are just desperate attempts to salvage their cash cow

They’ve raised us as Wolves but underestimated our Growl

Under Tencent and Baidu, how dare they fight us now?

No longer one of twelve, I’ve been reborn Back to Twenty

Try to slander all they want but they can’t deny I’m Sweet as Honey

Messing with CCTV, do they think that this is funny?

Thirsty for another sanction, they’re mad the Lu just gets his money

Kris

Thought I wouldn’t dare do it but chicken is not my style

Thought I couldn’t pull it off but I’ve been pulling it all the while

Thought I wouldn’t keep it up but I’ve been going for miles and miles

Thought I couldn’t spit this flow but you ain’t know ‘bout Galaxy Style

Smear my name against the walls, your words are libelous and ludicrous

Talked my boy Lu to this and now you’re up against team LuhaKris

You never thought it’d happen; you never even knew of this

Should’ve seen it coming though, you ain’t even new to this

Gotta stay on my grind, gotta stay all sorts of true to this

Came back as Yi Fan ’cause the old Kris was straight up through with this

Call me Kriscasso ‘cause I’m drawing up the boundaries

From the peninsula to the parallel, your jurisdiction don’t fly overseas

What’s all this about Copyrights and Illegal Activities?

No Necessary Licenses? Can’t touch all this Chinese amnesty

This pardon exists for all the huaqiao (华侨) who want to up and join me

That’s you Victoria, Henry, Amber, Liyin, and brother Zhoumi

Break free of your chains and do what Hangeng’s lawyer told me

Get big, get out, then get even like an OG

SM Entertainment

Gentleman, let’s have a talk. Why don’t you step into my Dungeon

You’re a small part of a big scheme, every member has its function

At this crossroads of legal woes, let me guide you across this junction

Cease this madness at once, or do I need to file an Injunction?

I’m sorry you didn’t think our deal was reasonable or satisfactory

But compassion is not a factor in running an Idol Factory

I’m still not sure that you comprehend the situation quite accurately

Return to your stables at once or this will end up quite disastrously!

You may think what you’re doing is a matter of propensity to take charge

But a drop of water has ripple effects that lead to tidal waves quite large

Lawsuits aren’t a one-time thing, its effects are far from miniscule

Let me tell you the lessons we learned from dealing with Hangeng and TVXQ

Once there was a happy village founded by Soo-man called SM Town

Fueled by Cultural Technology, the machine ran on sleek and sound

Then came the lawsuits — withdrawals, chaos, and panic abound

The FTC and its friends repeatedly tried to shut it down

Only 13 became an anachronism, no longer with its original renown

Then fans leave and legacies fade ‘cause no one likes the way HoMin sounds

I-nets talk about human rights then get sad when idols are dating

Who’s got time for that sort of nonsense with all these sasaengs camped out waiting?

It’s not the investors who take stock in all this pointless moral debating

It’s the press who have a field day when you traitors end up hating

So you want to follow the lead of Hangeng?

Look what you’ve up and gone done

Y’all must really be on some

Think you’ve won? It’s far from done

What happened to Spring Gala? Gone, son

Run but you can’t hide, pond scum

Hangeng

Hold up, it’s Hangeng on this track with Lil’ Lu and Yi Fan

As employees you paid us pennies but now we’re making all this big yuan

Call me teacher, my influence stretches beyond Shanghai to Sichuan

My classroom is a courthouse for your lawyers to feast, now chifan (吃饭)

Call yourself a well-oiled machine yet your workers constantly disobey

Press releases are just media play, scattered statements in disarray

Call us haters and traitors but you’re the hypocrite in this power play

Drove your idols to China to escape overwork and underpay

Straighten up SM, or continue to get schooled

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it like blind fools

Every idol who’s broke loose has been revitalized and retooled

Even Jessica‘s fashion career has a sense of pride and renewal

I’ve long shed my company Mask so let’s just drop this whole act

Chronic Gastritis and Myocarditis were never terms in our contract

Don’t need your work discrimination, check out all the offers we attract

We’ve covered all our bases, jealousy is your only basis for attack

Sadly, getting sick and earning slave wages aren’t what we agreed upon

And now we’re making all this money from China to Taiwan

Thought you could go around picking on Yi Fan and the Deer of Dawn?

Don’t know what you messing with ‘til you messing with the Han

———————————–

Who won? Who’s next? You Decide!

[poll id = “89”]

(TV Report, Images via SM Entertainment, CJ Entertainment, Newsen, Yuehua Entertainment)