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A new map released by the U.S. Wildlife Service showing the White Alabama Democrat has joined the gopher tortoise and manatee as endangered species.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

The once-thriving White Alabama Democrat has been added to the list of endangered species and may be "on the brink of extinction," according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.

The White Alabama Democrat population reached its peak in the 1950s and early 60s when herds of the doughy-white creatures would roam freely from Florence to Fairhope. But as populations slowly started to decline in the mid-1960s, most of the remaining White Alabama Democrats migrated from their rural habitats to the bustling cities of Huntsville and Birmingham.

According to Jack Ribble, regional director for the Wildlife Service, the rural population of the White Alabama Democrat is at a critically low level. So low, in fact, agents with the Wildlife Service are currently unable to obtain an accurate count of the creatures.

"In the early 1990s we would drive the back roads in places like Walker and Winston County and just count the Clinton/Gore campaign signs and bumper stickers. There weren't many, but they were there," recalled Ribble. "But last year we drove the same roads and found absolutely zero Hillary signs. Well, there was one, but it was being used for target practice."

Ribble and other wildlife officials believe the White Alabama Democrat still exists in rural areas, they have just been forced to blend in with the White Alabama Conservative that has overwhelmed their environment.

"I could stand the two different species side-by-side and most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference. To the untrained eye they appear completely identical," said Ribble. "That's why we're having to try new things to identify them, like playing a continuous loop of conservative political commentator Tomi Lahren from a set of loudspeakers. If forced to listen, the White Alabama Democrat's eye will start twitching uncontrollably within thirty seconds. It's remarkable."

Once officials believe they have located a White Alabama Democrat they move quickly to electronically tag the creature. Instead of inserting a microchip under the skin, each identified White Alabama Democrat is given a tracking device disguised as an NPR pledge drive coffee mug.

Ribble believes there are steps the public can take now to help preserve the current population of White Alabama Democrats. Avoid political discussions with co-workers who stare blankly as you rant for twenty minutes about how global warming is a hoax. Ensure the Rick and Bubba Show is played at volume only you can enjoy. Strategically leave treats like Starbucks gift cards in your break room. Change the television channel from anything on Fox News to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

"This is least we can do for the remaining White Alabama Democrats still roaming our rural counties. They will be just as upset as their big city counterparts over the next four years, except they will have no one to protest with," explained Ribble. "It's important that we keep them in their natural habitat and avoid forcing them into migration. The craft breweries of Birmingham and Huntsville are already at maximum capacity."

Ribble also suggested reporting any sightings of Alabama Libertarians to the Wildlife Service. While not technically endangered, libertarians are also greatly outnumbered in every area of Alabama, they are just much easier to spot.

"You will know when you've found the elusive Alabama Libertarian because they'll openly identify themselves as such," stated Ribble. "And then they will never shut up about it."

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]