BY ENDER O. PI

A recent study by postgraduate biology students at Caltech hoped to explain the correlation between alopecia (better known as hair loss), and a rare skin disease. However, the study was derailed when one student made a startling discovery.

The student researcher, who has asked to remain anonymous (“to avoid a witch-hunt”) commented on the discovery:

“We needed some male students with receding hairlines—so naturally, we looked to students right here on campus. But, the closer we looked, the clearer it became: what we saw bears little resemblance to human DNA.”

Interestingly, freshmen and sophomores still seemed to have some fragments of human genetics, whereas juniors and seniors had little to no traces left. The study also found correlations between time spent at Caltech and pale skin, non-human diets, and trans-human sleep schedules.

One of the participants in the study, who also asked to remain anonymous in fear someone may find out their hair is nothing more than an elaborate wig, commented on the finding. “It’s pretty cool, huh? I’m an alien! Or at least I’m not human. Sweet.”

A follow-up study has been announced to determine the effects of “bewildering professors, unreasonable examinations and chronic acute stress” on human DNA.