"We were able to obtain the man," stated CEO Tim Leiweke. "Now all we have to do is sign his new ligaments."

Reportedly, Zlatan's PCL is holding out for a higher contract rate and more massage time while his ACL gave in on several issues.

"Don't look at me," stated the Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL). "I'm not the one holding up the process. That's the job of the PCL. You ask him why he hasn't signed yet."

The Nutmeg News attempted to reach the PCL but we were told that we would need to get permission from Zlatan's tibia, first.

We spoke to Dr. Robert Taylor of the Des Moines Institute of Bone Stuff and he had the following to say, "As long as the subject isn't engaging in any quick and agile movements during a sporting/athletic endeavor they shouldn't suffer any long term issues. I wouldn't recommend soccer, for example, to a client of mine after this surgery."

When asked if he would sign a soccer player to a contract after such an issue Mr. Taylor stated, "I didn't go to four years of medical school to be called Mr," and hung up the phone.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zlatan-mania sweeps across the league.