Uh oh! There is a new wrinkle in our brave struggle to protect Krasanovian sovereignty! Sure, thousands of you had fun over the last few days, with your hash tags, and your memes, and flags, and cartoons, and t-shirts, and dividing into rival camps to wage brutal and imaginary guerilla warfare against each other, and commemorative waffle makers, HOWEVER it turns out that for the last 48 hours you were all having WRONGFUN!

It appears that my antics have once again upset the feces encrusted hulk that is Mike Glyer of File 770, and forced him to roll his bloated, corpulent, husk up from his gravy pit long enough to slap his greasy, sausage-like appendages against his computer keyboard. (oh how the mind recoils at the thought of the horrors that poor webcam has seen!)

This screen cap was posted to my fan page this morning:

First off, my Krasnovian comrades, don’t blame Pinelandia for this vile creature. Not even the Pinelandians would harbor such foulness. For this one we can all put our differences aside, reach across the aisle, and agree that Mike Glyer and the denizens of Fandom’s Prolapsed Anus (AKA File 770) are fucking scumbags.

I was shocked, shocked I tell you, to discover that China Mike was concerned enough about this dangerous wrongfun being had that he disregarded my previous warning to keep my name out of his whore mouth.

Oh, I can see that some of our newcomers are confused what I’m talking about. Then for new readers, let me present to you-

Mike Glyer: A Retrospective in Fuckery

Okay. See, what happens is that every six months to a year or so Mike Glyer—who is a Lyme disease carrying tick latched onto the diseased hindquarters of fandom—gets desperate for more traffic for his shitty gossip blog, so he talks about me, and that gets his audience of has-beens, never-weres, shrieking harpies of tolerance, and psycho stalkers all fired up again, which is apparently good for his ratings, or ego, or whatever. Beats me, and I’ve been doing this for years.

Anyways, his talking about me continues until I write something mocking the shit out of him (and have you seen the guy? That’s a whole lot of shit!) which ends up as the top search result for his name and his stupid website, and then he whines about me being profane, but then he usually shuts up for a while. Until the cycle repeats.

As for me, I only mention him whenever I feel like it, usually because I’m having a discussion about the most fucked up, pathetic, petty, basement dwelling, wannabe Stasi, gassy, bloviating, fat fish in a dirty pond, parasitic, fucktards who create absolutely nothing of value yet who’ve nominally latched onto the publishing business in order to tear down artists who do actually create… And I need an example (it takes less time to type out the word Glyer than it does Camelstraw Fellepdouche or Frau Butthurt) and then everybody knows exactly what kind of slimeball I’m talking about.

Hmmm… Glyer… It’s like shorthand for douche.

Now some of you might be wondering why of the many idiots I deal with why this one in particular always holds a special place in my dumpster of disdain. For those of you who are new here, let’s have a little history refresher as to why Mike Glyer is a scumbag.

In this one, I break down in great detail his sleazy methods of gas lighting and bullying authors: http://monsterhunternation.com/2017/06/13/a-monster-hunter-nation-opinion-piece-mike-glyer-is-a-scumbag/

The very best part of this one is at the very end, when Glyer is so full of himself that he accidentally put up a screen shot revealing that 97% of his much bragged about blog traffic that made his page so SUPER IMPORTANT was from CHINESE BOTS.

I shit you not. It was the worst self-immolation in the history of the internet. Monks who set fire to themselves to protest wars were all like, damn dude, chill. That’s why we started calling him China Mike.

Here’s another one, where he chums the water for his gang of psychos to try and smear and ruin the careers of authors who don’t toe the line: http://monsterhunternation.com/2018/05/01/further-examples-of-why-in-my-opinion-mike-glyer-is-a-scumbag-and-file-770-is-evil/

And a personal favorite of mine after he forgot to keep my name out of his whore mouth: http://monsterhunternation.com/2019/01/13/mike-glyer-is-a-scumbag-part-ii-an-opinion-piece/ Here’s an excerpt:

Hate is a strong word. I don’t hate many things. But I hate File 770.

You know how they say “I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire”? If Mike Glyer was on fire, I’d want to piss on him, but I wouldn’t be able to, because blubber and compacted feces is highly flammable, so it wouldn’t be safe to approach such a tremendous blaze. Glyer is basically 400 pounds of old timey lamp oil in a skin sack. So I’d have to wait three days for the flames to die down, and then I’d piss on the ashen grease stain that remained.

If you hung Glyer from a tree and beat him like a piñata, instead of candy, he would bleed gravy and lies. Only you’d have to find a really sturdy tree branch, and you’d probably need a livestock hoist, so though satisfying, wouldn’t be worth the effort.

##

Now Back to Our Show –

This is a relatively little one compared to his previous whore mouth transgressions (but for Glyer, I’m basically Candyman. Say my name, bitch, and I appear). However that screen cap is valuable in that it once again illustrates perfectly how Glyer works. He’s basically the living embodiment Brandollini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle in that it takes an order of magnitude more effort to point out everything wrong with his bullshit that it did for him to create it.

So he’s all about the leading lines and selective quotes, so that his meaning is always perfectly clear, yet afterwards he can act all innocent and pretend he did nothing offensive. His usual schtick for authors he’s trying to smear follows a pretty basic formula. He writes a passively aggressive insulting headline, then some out of context quotes, usually some bit where the author with the wrong politics got wronged BUT how that’s actually foolish. Silly author. Only authors Glyer likes can be wronged. Any bits that back up the smearee’s point are ignored, and if you’re talking about the issue in a fun way and you’re not upset at all, he’ll manipulate it to ignore the fun in order to portray you as super upset for no logical reason.

And sure, he puts up the links (sometimes), but honestly between his traffic being so shitty and his audience being such an echo chamber of finger shaking scolds who already know everything about everything, none of them actually click the link to read the original. They see Glyer’s dumbfuck take smearing people they already don’t like, reflexively agree, and then yammer in the comments about how superior and virtuous they are compared to those horrible people who vote wrong and believe whatever it is Glyer led them to believe horrible people think.

That’s all sorts of fucked up, dishonest, psycho-wrangling. I really hope this piece of shit never raised children. Glyer calls me obscene but I’d much rather be honest and profane that whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be (some kind of semi-mobile fungus maybe?).

So he leads with The Failure Mode of Clever. That’s actually a Scalzi quote (and to be fair to John, a pretty good one), The Failure Mode of Clever is Asshole.

Am I an asshole? Sure. But only to lily pads like Glyer. This shocks no one. But the real issue is “failure”. I got booted off of Facebook because their bots auto banned me for something obviously goofy. My fans then rallied and had a shit ton of fun with it. (seriously, if you missed it, they went nuts. 48 hours and it’s still positively gleeful in there. SO MANY MEMES). And then because my fans were having fun, I decided I’d have some fun with it too, so me, my wife, and my son staged a funny pic. (what good is having a bunch of military surplus stuff if you can’t occasionally do a photo shoot?) The fans friggin’ loved it.

You’ve got to understand, these are the same fans who still give me stuffed Cookie Monsters dressed as a mercenary because of a Facebook thread from eight years ago. They COSPLAY this stuff. Jack my merch guy is already working on shirts. And when fans get excited, they talk about my stuff, and when their friends see them having fun, I sell more books.

So, pray tell, dipshit loser, whose greatest claim to fame is a closet full of meaningless awards given for kissing the right asses on his gossip column blog, what part of this week’s Krasnovian shenanigans was the “failure” hmmm?

In reality I’ve got fan engagement most authors would kill for, because I’m just myself and every time there is some misadventure the fans have lots of fun with it. Glyer would know this if he’d ever created anything, but you can’t expect a parasite to understand, all they do is suck.

But Glyer sucking at quite literally everything comes as no shock to anyone. The crowd with the perpetual stick up their ass looking for offense in quite literally everything can’t grasp the concept of fun. It’s all just social posturing and jockeying for position at the mean girls table. Which is why whenever the “uncool” kids are seen having a good time it really pisses them off.

This one was so small I would’ve let it pass, but I was told he also mentioned me after the Dragon Award announcements (probably because I referred to him as the sorta-human shaped embodiment of hepatitis). So better to just start the cycle early so I can go back to a few months of relative peace.

Since he’s using my name again I can only assume it is because his traffic has gone down. This makes sense, since the programmers who provide most of his regular audience are probably busy brutally censoring information coming out of Hong Kong.

Now some of you who haven’t watched Glyer’s vile slander and manipulations to screw various authors over the years might think I am being too hard on him. So in the spirit of fairness and balance I will try to say something positive about him as well. If Krasnovians and Pinelandians can set aside their differences, then I guess I can try too. Here goes.

Ten Good Things About Mike Glyer and File 770

Mike Glyer is slightly less cringe inducing than the painting of Bill Clinton in drag on Jeffrey Epstein’s wall. In case of a water landing, Mike Glyer could be used as a flotation device. Mike Glyer’s sponge like texture absorbs humidity and helps prevent soil erosion. As a former tax collector (I’m not making that up) Mike Glyer decided that he needed to do something even more unlikable, so he became a gossip columnist. That takes chutzpa. Or psychosis. But I’m trying to be nice. Mike Glyer created a website that does basically the same thing as a search engine, only it helpfully lets stupid people know how to think. Mike Glyer has won so many Hugo awards that they often get lodged in his flesh rolls and he will not notice they are missing for several days. Mike Glyer sweats cottage cheese. I don’t know if that is actually a good thing, but it is biologically fascinating. File 770 is America’s #1 market for sales of mobility scooters, oxygen tanks, and various ointments to treat syphilis lesions. I once said that Mike Glyer looks like what would happen if Santa Claus made a baby with the sex offender registry. That still makes me laugh. So that’s good. After a long hard day of crushing dreams, freedom, and democracy, Chinese robots need a place to hang out.

In Conclusion

Hopefully Pinelandians and Krasnovians can learn from this and share the sandwich of friendship, as we bond in the certain knowledge that Mike Glyer is a scumbag, and really should keep my name out of his whore mouth.

EDIT to add:

While I was typing this the Nielsen Book Scan numbers from last week were sent to me. Despite the walnuts of File 666 spending the last half a decade talking about how I’m a washed up, hack loser, not a *real* writer, with an irreparably damaged career because I’ve offended all the TruFans with my evil ways, somehow Monster Hunter Guardian was the #4 bestselling fantasy in the country last week, losing only to James Patterson and two different versions of Good Omens. Considering one is a hot new TV show and the other has had 67 novels hit #1 on the NYT bestseller list, not too shabby.