The U.S.S. Mariner is in no way affiliated with, condoned or given any notice by the Seattle Mariners baseball team, who have their own website . Similarly, we have no association with the ownership group or any businesses related to the Mariners. All article text is written by the authors, all pictures are taken by the authors, who retain copyright to their works. No copying or reproduction of any content here, photographic or otherwise, is authorized. Please email us if you wish to reproduce our work.

Justin Smoak vs. An Old Sofa

Recently I’ve been spending time sitting on my old sofa, and I’ve thought about how an old sofa is kind of like Justin Smoak. I know now isn’t the perfect time to pick on Smoak, since he can’t unknowingly defend himself, but on the other hand his being on the DL also means he can’t make me look stupid for at least another couple weeks. Always look out for number one. A compare/contrast follows.

=====

How Justin Smoak is like an old sofa

(1) Justin Smoak isn’t perfect, or good, or desirable in almost any way, but he’s forever just shy of reaching the action threshold, at which you actually take steps to identify and obtain a replacement.

(2) We have a certain number of fond memories involving Justin Smoak.

(3) Justin Smoak was exciting when first acquired and installed.

(4) Justin Smoak fits in most elevators.

(5) Justin Smoak has been steadily, unmistakeably depreciating.

(6) Justin Smoak gets sat on, figuratively.

(7) Over time, Justin Smoak’s physical changes have been subtle.

(8) In a pinch, you can wipe your hands on Justin Smoak.

(9) Justin Smoak has a skeletal frame and a soft, thin outer later that protects and contains the more loose and vulnerable inner bits.

(10) Justin Smoak can catch a baseball thrown right at him.

=====

How Justin Smoak is not like an old sofa

(1) Justin Smoak has two legs.*

* – some old sofas might have two legs

(2) Justin Smoak cannot be legally sold on the Internet.

(3) Some people continue to believe Justin Smoak will get better over time.

(4) An old sofa puts butts in seats.

(5) An old sofa gets sat on, literally.

(6) Justin Smoak doesn’t smell of farts and stale hard pretzels(?).

(7) Justin Smoak doesn’t/shouldn’t get vacuumed.

(8) Justin Smoak has a driver’s license.

(9) Justin Smoak is of at least occasional use on two different sides.

(10) Justin Smoak has a career WAR below 0.

Comments