Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

RF: Allied Hand Drone The Pasta

3B: Mango Manchalupa

CF: A Damage Owns

1B: Christ Avis

LF: Steep Hears

SS: Jade Jade Darty

C: My Tweeters

DH: Delve n’ Yawn

2B: Jonny Thins Coped

SP: Grizzled Ill Man

SP: Way Ancient

SP: Budding Horse

SP: Mingle Gun Soles

SP: Cave Ink Houseman

Off-season Haiku

Lost Cruz, Markakis,

Got Travis Snider. Yay? Eh.

Duquette wants to leave?!?

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Nelson Cruz off Todd Redmond – 448 feet

Your browser does not support iframes.

It’s one thing to give up a grand slam when you’re up by three runs. It’s another thing to give up a grand slam when you’re up by three runs and your left fielder merely has to pivot to know how absurdly far over his head the grand slam is going. I’m dumbfounded by the Jays fan in the Brett Lawrie jersey throwing his hands up at :06. I can only assume Nelson Cruz was on his fantasy team. Otherwise, I’d look a little more upset if I were him.

Shortest Home Run of 2014

Chris Davis off Erik Bedard – 319 feet

Your browser does not support iframes.

This is without a doubt one of the worst home runs I’ve ever seen. Even Chris Davis looked like he regretted swinging as soon as he made contact. I’m all for instant replay and getting calls right, but man, replay-reviewed/confirmed home runs are still super weird.

Best Names in the Farm System

RHP Chaz Roe

OF Matt Tuiasosopo (!!!)

C Rossmel Perez

SS Sharlon Schoop

SS Sammie Starr

SS Garabez Rosa

C Steel Russell

C Wynston Sawyer

RHP Nik Nowottnick

RHP Janser Severino

C Chance Sisco

1B Creede Simpson

2B Ronarsy Ledesma

OF Oswill Lartiguez

LHP Augey Bill

RHP Nigel Nootbaar

1B Federico Castagnini

1B Logan Uxa

1B Randolph Gassaway

OF Tad Gold

OF Jamill Moqeute

RHP Virgilio Encarnacion

RHP Barry Jhonson

RHP Yeizer Marrugo

RHP Julin Jimenez

RHP Leybi Martinez

3B Robertico Medina

1B Nicanor Alvarado

OF Rochendrick Alexander

OF Rachid Engelhardt

RHP Brailyn Duran

RHP Lu Franc-Cito LeFranc

RHP Neomar Magallanes

LHP Johalis Pacheco

RHP Ofelky Peralta

RHP Jhon Peluffo

C Phildrick Llewellyn

3B Yeridolfo Lizardo

OF Geremias Gil

RHP Wendell Floranus

RHP Keegan Ghidotti

RHP Caleb Kellogg

OF Gerrion Grim

OF Ademar Rifaela

Three Bold Predictions

Ubaldo Jimenez continues to prove that the enormous contract the Orioles gave him last year was a disaster. Half-way through the year the O’s decide that he is more valuable to the organization as an energy-generating windmill and place him in the middle of a field somewhere in rural Maryland. In a final heroic act of martyrdom, Dan Duquette trades himself to the Blue Jays for Josh Donaldson, Jose Bautista, Daniel Norris, and 24 kilograms of poutine. After two consecutive seasons in which he hurt two different legs, Manny Machado injures his third one.