Call Me Old-Fashioned If You Must

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe couples should sleep with a sword between them until they start having an affair unbeknownst to King Mark of Cornwall.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think relationships should last until you steal all of his spells and lock him inside a rowan tree for eternity.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that women should sleep for at least a hundred years before a man can even think about proposing.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that ladies should live in lakes until they’re married.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that after you die, four magnificent queens bear you away to sleep underneath a mountain until your country needs you again.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should only sleep with his wife, a stranger who’s enchanted herself to look like his wife, the woman he loves, and his half-sister once by accident.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when you’re a guest in someone’s home, you have to kiss your host as often as his wife secretly kisses you.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that if a man’s going to sentence his own wife to death, it should be by beheading, and he should do it himself.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that all women ought to be able to spin straw into gold.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that the male lovers of Inanna should be ritually slaughtered in the spring, when the horses foal.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that the blood of the male lovers of Inanna make the crops grow.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that if an ogre guesses your true name, you should have to serve him for seven years without speaking.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that whomever can bend that old yew bow in the corner over there is my real husband, no questions asked.

Call me old-fashioned, but if you see a pure-white bull from your bedroom window, I think you should have sex with it.

Call me old-fashioned, but if your boyfriend leaves you, I think you should either set yourself on fire or die in a boat in front of his house.

Call me old-fashioned, but if your stepmother murders your brother, I think you should keep quiet about it until after your father has unwittingly eaten him for dinner.

Cold me old-fashioned, but if a man finds you in the woods while hunting deer, you should have to marry him.