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Windshield wipers that go too fast or too slow, the creator of the Steam game “Rape Day” calls in, mass shootings and the mental illness of “what did you think was going to happen?”, my Dr. Phil tapes are held for ransom, 50 retarded ways to leave your lover, a new news babe comes into the studio, pet anti-vaxxers, getting touched on the stomach, and how to be creepy with women; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Sydney may have sold out, but tickets for Road Rage: Melbourne: April 12th are still available. But just barely. I’m talkin 20-30 tickets at most. If you haven’t grabbed yours, get them today before it’s too late! And then pick up a tank top at the Dick Shop. There’s no better way to commit to your guns then by committing to a stylish Dick Show tank top, for men and other.

But first…

Just because a man holds a door open for another man, doesn’t mean he’s asking to have his tummy tickled. But it’s happened to me. It happened to a caller today, and if you know five men, at least four of them have dealt with unwelcome tummy tickling at some point in their lives. It’s because we live in a Tickle Culture. Tickling is encouraged and ingrained in us from the day we’re born until the day we die. “Coochie coo”, parents will say, unaware that they are instilling a culture of victimization and mutual predation into their children that will follow them for their entire lives. I’m sick of it. Coochie coo? I say Coochie No, but said in a way that rhymes.

A friend of mine was tickled recently. And you know what I thought when they told me? Surely, there was something they could have done about it; some sort of throat finger chop or reverse tickle, or a sudden posture of self-defense and a grunt to announce to the world, I will not be tickled! They could have looked for the signs of an impending tickle and gracefully made their exit. Did this person have a history of tickling? Did they enjoy tickle-adjacent jokes or comments? For example, did they think it was funny withn Jimmy Fallon ruffled Trump’s hair? Were there any red tickle-flags.

The truth is, it was nobody’s fault, but it was everyone’s. By it’s very nature tickling is non-consensual, and therefore evil. It is a base and immoral act that robs the victim of their autonomy, forcing them to experience the false-joy of laughter, but scarring them forever by robbing them of choice. Imagine being trapped in your own body, miserable and thinking about being sad, but forced laugh and carry on and not be such a stick in the mud.

Games like “Tickle Day”, toys like Tickle Me Elmo, sayings like “tickled pink”, these are all hate crimes. They are reminders of a sick society of dominance and aggression, the usurping of one’s body for the enjoyment of another. They deserve to be banned. And any person who would think about tickling in any other context but as a vehicle of self-reflection and of personal growth–any enjoyment of it in any way–they deserve to be raped.

“Hate Crime” by the Hard Men Working Hard.



And here are just some of the “Greatest Man in the World” covers people sent in. I’ll be playing more next week. I’m sorry I didn’t get to yours!

I am not the Greatest Man in the World. Oh god what have I done. pic.twitter.com/NR9Q3LJkga — Officer Grant (@grantmooney) March 15, 2019

@LABasedComedian It's one thing to get an annoying song stuck in your head, but it's another when the voice singing in your head is Maddox.

Another day of this and I'm buying my ticket to Greenland. GFY pic.twitter.com/7iSADOLovH — Hayden (blue check) (@Ashanmaril) March 15, 2019

“The Greatest Barbershop Quartet in the World” by Attention Surplus Disorder.



“I am the Greatest Supercut” by Hisoka



Tickle Day thumbnail by HeHeSillyComics



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