In the wake of the House passing the AHCA bill yesterday, Senator Sherrod Brown of Ohio tweeted out a list of everything that would qualify as a pre-existing condition, and thus lead to denial of coverage or higher premiums, under the new bill.

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AIDS/HIV, acid reflux, acne, ADD, addiction, Alzheimer's/dementia, anemia, aneurysm, angioplasty... — Sherrod Brown (@SenSherrodBrown) May 4, 2017

Spoiler alert: it's everything.

But in BREAKING NEWS, ELLE.com has received an EXCLUSIVE* list of additional ailments Republicans want to add to this list. Because honestly, why not? It's not like the existing list left anyone safe, so fuck it. In fact, when asked how Americans could keep their coverage, one Republican said "literally don't have a body."** Here are the things Republicans are trying to add to the pre-existing conditions list in order to keep costs low.***

Had a cough once

Stubbed toe

Non-specific itching

Skin, human

Voted for Hillary

Dandruff

Mosquito bites

Slept funny

Gender (non cis male)

Used WebMD too many times

Horniness

Breathing too much

Asked a Congressman a question during a Town Hall

Got stressed while watching The Handmaid's Tale

Saw a cigarette

Hypochondria

Have fun reaching nirvana and finally escaping your flesh prison.

*nope

**not in the least

***it's a joke

Jaya Saxena I'm a writer and author from New York City who covers everything from sex to culture to witchcraft.

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