Karen Pence, wife of GOP VP pick Gov. Mike Pence and soon-to-be Second (or First) Lady of Trump Republic, Inc., is the proud founder of “That’s My Towel!” Charm, Inc. What are towel charms? I’m so glad you asked.


Imagine a set of wine charms. Then imagine if those wine charms were designed for something even less important. That is a Towel Charm. They look like this:


Or this:

Or even this:


“Most of us have matching bath and beach towels, so it is easy to get them confused,” Karen Pence claims on towelcharm.com. I don’t know who “us” is, but it certainly does not include me, my parents, or anyone I know.

I have had so many times where I was swimming at a friend’s beach house, pool, or lake house, using their matching beautiful beach towels. Lo and behold, I would go in the water for a dip or up to the house for a beverage, and when I came back to my towel, it was gone! Someone else had grabbed my towel unknowingly…because all of the towels looked the same.


Fuck!

The Towel Charm anticipates a number of problems that do not exist, or problems so insignificant that they might as well not exist, such as:


“Hopefully your new Towel Charm will save you lots of time and money!” Karen Pence writes on the website, inexplicably, because the Towel Charm will cost you time (putting it on your towels, explaining to everyone what it is, taking your kid to the hospital after another kid hits him in the face with a towel and a tiny metal clam gouges his eye out) and money ($6.25 each).


“And from now on you will be able to state with confidence … ‘That’s My Towel!’” she concludes.

What a relief.

