Tories to kill British ISIS fighters by placing them on Universal Credit

ISIS fighters returning to the UK are to be killed by making them wait for ten weeks for Universal Credit payments, it has emerged.

Tory minister and badass Rory Stewart said converts to so-called Islamic State believed in an “extremely hateful doctrine”, not unlike the one in the Conservative manifesto.

Stewart warned jihadists that the gruelling conditions of the Syrian Civil War would leave them ill-prepared for life on benefits in Theresa May’s Britain.

In addition, those claiming Universal Credit will be asked a serious of demeaning questions such as: ‘Have you or anyone you know taken part in the establishment of a caliphate?”

Stewart said, “These shitbirds think they have witnessed hardship. Let’s see how they cope with social cleansing, UK-style.”

UK bound ISIS fighter, Saeed Wil Hamsa, said, “A single payment of £251.77 a month for those under the age of twenty-five and an end to tax credits. That won’t even go towards a down payment on a mobile rocket launcher.

“I feel like I am being unfairly penalised for the rape and torture of innocents.”

Stewart added, “In the unlikely event that they haven’t starved to death by mid-December, we always have the annual winter NHS crisis to fall back on.”