It's hard to know exactly what devices women used to get off by themselves before the Industrial Revolution. But it's only right that we commemorate the inauguration of the electric age by returning to the Victorian era and making over our joybuzzers to match. Hence Lady Clankington's Cabinet of Carnal Curiosities, a new steampunk-themed set of sex toys, just in time for Maggie Gyllenhaal's forthcoming comedy Hysteria, about the invention of the modern vibrator.

Nothing on Lady Clankington's site breaks character for a moment. (Except, just maybe, the FAQs.) It's an experiment in genre-fiction-as-retail:

Due to her voracious desire for endless ... adventure, her husband (an industrialist of some note) expired from exhaustion long ago. In a fit of frustration, Lady Clankington employed the genius of one Dr. Visbaun to create a cadre of strapping automatons that would finally grant her the only company able to keep up with her unending desire ... for adventure.... Each design has been well tested by the lady, herself.

You can actually purchase these curiosities from the site, each of which comes with a "certificate of authenticity." Each design will be limited to a run of 100 numbered pieces, the site says.

The testimonials are also a must-read. This one is from "Baron Pudgy Müdphlappes":

The Baroness always felt terribly insecure during my long voyages to study the courting rituals of aboriginal tribes in various far-off lands. I thought she might feel safer with a little protection, so I ordered one of Lady Clankington's Little Death Rays! Now she feels so safe and secure, she quite often sends me telegrams saying I needn't bother coming home at all! Thank you Lady Clankington for freeing me up to do my life's work!

I do have to complain, though, on behalf of us gents. Buying the vibrator and then walking away is sooooo vanilla. (Even if it is sooooo Victorian.) With real steampunk, everyone gets to play together.

Update!: We have a new carousel, courtesy of Lady Clankington herself, of fine photographic images of every Curiosity featured in her Carnal Cabinet. Perhaps they might make a fine cabinet card or carte de visite...?

Story continues ...

Okay, so the sex shop has our imaginary history covered. For real history, we naturally turn to Hollywood. Hysteria, Variety reports, will star Hugh Dancy and Jonathan Pryce as London physicians dealing with an outbreak of unexplained irritability, anger and emotional outbursts among their female patients. Dancy's buddy, played by Rupert Everett (who we can safely assume is giving this full Ideal Husband/Importance of Being Earnest Oscar Wilde treatment), comes up with an electrical device to alleviate the symptoms. Gyllenhaal plays Pryce's daughter.

If your main complaint about Secretary was that it wasn't enough like The Road to Wellville, you've got something to look forward to in 2011. The line starts behind me.

In the meantime, console yourself with Lady Clankington's Butt Rogers Uranium Pistol and Jezebel's "10 Worst Masturbation Stories We've Ever Heard."

Via Unpluggd.com and Variety.com.

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