By Luke Peristy



Rather than recap the same old narratives, let's try something different!

Pregame Speed Round

Bobby Ryan - No truth to the rumours that his sports hernia was caused by the crushing weight of expectations placed on him by Senators fans this season.





Craig Anderson - Is starting his first game since March 10th tonight. His wife just had their second child, so he's used to people crapping the bed right in front of him. Playing behind the Senators defense will be no change. #ShotsFired #TotsSired





Robin Lehner - Had a nice test drive with the starting goaltender spot, but didn't really do much with it other than scratch the paint going through the McDonald's drive-thru.





Ales Hemsky - Has a really fun name to say while doing a Sean Connery impression. "Alish Hemshky...Alish Hemshky..."





Milan Michalek - Appears to be more durable this year, but not nearly as potent an offensive force. He must have traded in his Alfa Romeo knees for Toyota knees.





Stephane Da Costa - All Binghamton call-ups with a better points per game average than Stephane Da Costa step forward now NOT SO FAST, MIKE HOFFMAN.





Chris Phillips - Scratched due to general crappiness lingering injury.





Patrick Wiercioch - Starting on a defensive pairing with Cody Ceci. Will only be the third best Patrick in the game, unfortunately.





David Rundblad and Peter Regin - Not starting for Chicago. Ottawa cut those guys loose long ago, and with good reason. You think you're smarter than us, Chicago? You think you can just take our castoffs and turn them into stars? Well let me tell you, that only works with players named "Marian Hossa".





Kris Versteeg - Hasn't played for the Toronto Maple Leafs since 2011, but joy has yet to return to his eyes.





You don't know what this man has seen.





Brent Seabrook - Possibly the most successful "Brent" in all of human history.





Duncan Keith - Should open a bar in Chicago called "Drunken Keith's." It will likely be less successful than Johnny Oduya's brothel, however.



End of speed round. To the game!

1st Period

17:22 - Peter Regin actually is in this game! The rousing applause from the Ottawa faithful blows out his ear drums and he's never seen again.



16:12 - Brent Seabrook has a gets a good chance from the high slot, but Anderson is up to the challenge. "I didn't leave my newborn child so I could be scored on some guy named 'Brent'." says Anderson.



10:55 - Clarke MacArthur is tripped by Brent Seabrook and uses Antti Raanta to break his fall. The referee (and most Blackhawks immediately present) take exception to this creative use of the opposing goaltender, and MacArthur goes to the box. Most brilliant minds of their generation are reviled. You hang in there, Clarke!



10:35 - Erik Condra scores beauty shorthanded goal after some shoddy defense by Chicago. Even a stopped watch finds an acorn if it's lucky, I guess. 1 - 0 Ottawa



7:10 - Antti Raanta takes a Jason Spezza shot to an unpadded part of his leg and goes down hard. I'm sure Spezza was trying to shoot at an unpadded part of the net and only just missed. Raanta shakes it off and stays in the game.



7:03 - Chris Neil and Brandon Bollig have a fight, which Neil appears to win. No doubt this physical victory will manifest itself on the scoresheet at some point in time, because otherwise why would you fight?



30.0 - Cody Ceci loads up a shot from the point that goes off a Chicago player and gets by Raanta. All around the Ottawa valley, confused children are read books containing the text "See. See Ceci. See Ceci score!" 2 - 0 Ottawa



Pithy Observation of Questionable Importance: Sportsnet had several moments during the 1st period where the live broadcast was stuck in a loop, and no, it wasn't just Denis Potvin telling the same story over and over again. Sportsnet vines are the worst vines.

2nd Period

19:37 - Milan Michalek finishes a gorgeous tic-tac-toe play. "That could be the backbreaker." says Denis Potvin, apparently unaware that there's nearly 40 minutes of hockey remaining against the defending Stanley Cup champions. 3 - 0 Ottawa



19:05 - Chris Neil looks to change the momentum by taking a goaltender interference penalty, which the Senators kill off.



9:14 - Patrick Sharp draws a penalty from Jared Cowen, then takes a Toews feed on the ensuing powerplay and makes it 3 - 1. That's some pretty strong play from Chicago's 2nd line centre. If only Ottawa had a 2nd line centre who was that good oh hi Jason, I didn't see you there... *trails off awkwardly*



3:45 - Hemsky, Spezza, and Michalek combine for Ottawa's second chance of the period, and first for about 16 minutes. If I were going to describe Ottawa's play during the 2nd period so far, I'd describe it as "unplugged Xbox controller".



0:41 - Marc Methot gives the puck away to Marian Hossa and Ottawa pays accordingly. If only they'd paid Hossa by giving him a contract instead of free pucks in the offensive zone. As always, everything is John Muckler's fault. 3 - 2 Ottawa



Pithy Observation of Questionable Importance: Ottawa was outshot 23 to 5 in the 2nd period. I may have never played the game, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's not winning hockey (if you're Ottawa).

3rd Period





14:51 - Ottawa is the beneficiary of a penalty call that is dubious at best. Kyle Turris takes advantage and it's 4 - 2 Ottawa. Just how bad was that penalty call? Take it away me!



That penalty call is so poor, it's about to occupy Wall Street.

— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) March 29, 2014

That penalty was more dubious than a Crimean referendum.

— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) March 29, 2014

That penalty was less legitimate than Jon Snow.

— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) March 29, 2014

Kyle Turris is the beneficiary of a poor call, kinda like that sex chat line I phoned. *slide whistle*

— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) March 29, 2014 I think we're done here.



9:07 - Clarke MacArthur takes a Mark Stone pass, puts the moves on Raanta, and scores one of his best goals of the season. "Hey, looks like I just scored on your Antti!", taunts MacArthur on his way past the Chicago bench. "Dude...not cool." says every single Blackhawk. 5 - 2 Ottawa



6:37 - Ottawa gets themselves into some penalty trouble by giving up a 5-on-3. But then Jared Cowen (!!) outskates someone to a loose puck! And then Raanta comes out of his net to break up the play! AND THEN Zack Smith and Brandon Shaw give the crowd a demonstration of hockey stick rule infractions resulting in a game misconduct to Shaw! Everything is happening! Seriously though, Jared Cowen outskated someone to a puck, so it can be mathematically proven that everything is happening.



3:00 - A Brent Seabrook shot goes off of Anderson's blocker, gets behind him, and trickles into the net. A shattered Craig Anderson is inconsolable. "Hey man, at least it wasn't Regin..." says Karlsson, and a faint smile appears on Anderson's face. 5 - 3 Ottawa



0.0 - Ottawa hangs on to their 2 goal lead. The ghosts of That One Montreal Game are finally banished!



Ottawa wins 5 - 3! 16:58 - Ales Hemsky forces a turnover and goes in on Raanta 1-on-1, but can't find the net. "Come on man, it's right there!" says Chris Phillips as he points from the press box.14:51 - Ottawa is the beneficiary of a penalty call that is dubious at best. Kyle Turris takes advantage and it's. Just how bad was that penalty call? Take it away me!I think we're done here.9:07 - Clarke MacArthur takes a Mark Stone pass, puts the moves on Raanta, and scores one of his best goals of the season. "Hey, looks like I just scored on your Antti!", taunts MacArthur on his way past the Chicago bench. "Dude...not cool." says every single Blackhawk.6:37 - Ottawa gets themselves into some penalty trouble by giving up a 5-on-3. But then Jared Cowen (!!) outskates someone to a loose puck! And then Raanta comes out of his net to break up the play! AND THEN Zack Smith and Brandon Shaw give the crowd a demonstration of hockey stick rule infractions resulting in a game misconduct to Shaw! Everything is happening! Seriously though, Jared Cowen outskated someone to a puck, so it can be mathematically proven that everything is happening.3:00 - A Brent Seabrook shot goes off of Anderson's blocker, gets behind him, and trickles into the net. A shattered Craig Anderson is inconsolable. "Hey man, at least it wasn't Regin..." says Karlsson, and a faint smile appears on Anderson's face.0.0 - Ottawa hangs on to their 2 goal lead. The ghosts of That One Montreal Game are finally banished!





The Wisdom

Chris Neil fought a guy and then the Sens won. That's just science. Also, Craig Anderson stopped 46 of 49 shots tonight so...see you next year, Robin Lehner.



