Last year marked the return of one of the greatest games ever made and yes, I know this is supposed to be an article about Skyri… I mean, Twin Peaks but bear with me because this is absolutely crucial to the article as a whole.

Where was I? Oh yeah, what is the greatest game ever made? Doom of course and 2016 marked our return to Hell with the release of a fresh take on the old and classic Doom by id Software. Whereas the latest Doom paid homage to literally everything that made the original Doom’ Doom there was another entry in this franchise that completely fucked it up and I’m talking about the 2005 movie; Doom. Starring The Rock and Karl Urban, Doom (2005) lacked one basic requirement and that is fucking Demons from Hell!!

Yeah, “Demons”… like, the name of… this particular episode of Twin Peaks… see, I told you it was totally crucial to this article. I guess you think that I totally wasted those 139 words but you know what? My article. Deal with it.

The question is; are there any demons in this episode and without giving too much away, yeah. In the non-Doom sense of the word?! There aren’t any big pink shaved gorillas with massive horns and they don’t make camel orgasm sounds when killed, nope we’re talking about the classic definition of the word; “Demon”. One, that inhabits a host to do their bidding… and it’s this episode where we’re formally introduced to Mike.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will host a month-long series of screenings of classic horror films with “Universal’s Legacy of Horror” in October. The series is part of the studio’s year-long 100th anniversary celebration engaging Universal’s fans and all movie lovers in the art of moviemaking. Pictured: David Naughton in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, 1981.

The episode begins where we last left off. Harold Smith is going crazy with a small little garden tool. He’s slashed his face in front of Donna and Maddy and it seems he’s about to attack them both when James bursts in and rescues these two dumbasses.

Donna drops Laura’s Secret Diary and yet again her stupid agenda has been foiled! Maybe give up on being a detective, Donna, it suits you as much as your crappy meals on wheels gillet from a few episodes ago!

As Donna and James have a little hug in front Maddy, Harold escapes into his orchid sanctuary and starts watering his flowers… then he nearly goes “full on David Kessler” and howls at the moon. Creedence Clearwater Revival starts playing and he convulses in abject agony, suddenly his hands become rubber prosthetics and his entire body sprouts fur… actually this doesn’t happen but it almost does. Harold Smith actor’ Lenny von Dohlen does howl as if he were transforming into a lycanthrope and we all know that if he were to, then he’d gain no benefits from sleeping… well, by Skyrim logic anyway!

So while Harold turns into his “Final Form” (registered trademark of Toei Animation and Akira Toriyama) we’re treated to the left overs of the opening sequence. I guess they wanted to build mood? Anyway, we watch the last of the credits and then finally Cooper returns Audrey to Twin Peaks.

They’ve taken refuge in the Bookhouse and Cooper puts her to bed because heroin overdoses usually require a decent night’s sleep in order fully get out of your system. That, and happy thoughts! As soon as Audrey sees Cooper she decides not to roll over and die… I’m thankful for the end of this “missing Audrey” sub plot but unfortunately her character will never be as good as “season one Audrey”, “season 3 Audrey”… well, I suppose I’ll have to write about that in a couple of years, so be sure to check that out… in a couple of years…

Meanwhile…

Back at the Sheriff’s Department, Truman is flicking through facebook… well, his book of faces… mugshots. It’s a book full of faces so it’s “facebook”… it was a good, timely, contemporary joke because it’s funny that facebook didn’t exist in the early 90’s and now whenever you see a show from before and a character is looking at a book of mugshots… you can call it a; “facebook”.

“Funny!” Etc.

Anyway, the good Sheriff has found Jean Renault’s face in his “facebook” and he “likes” that he’s found him. Get it? “Likes”… thumbs up?

… Fuck it.

Cooper is disappointed in himself because he left his jurisdiction and Audrey ended up getting hurt. Utilising his particular skill in deductive reasoning, he concludes that Jean Renault wants revenge on the capture and eventual death of Jacques Renault… good thing Jean is completely oblivious to Leland’s involvement otherwise we’d have a Jean Vs. Leland showdown… man, that sounds kinda cool! Why’d that not happen?

Later at the Great Northern, Cooper returns Ben Horne’s ransom money and informs him that Audrey is safe… well, she’s recovering from a heroin overdose but it’s okay because of “TV logic”. Ben seems more interested in the money than that of his kin but what do you expect from Benjamin Horne, the guy is a classic-capitalist’ thunder-cunt.

Cooper also informs him that Blackie was murdered by Jean Renault and Ben couldn’t act any less sincere if he tried. Basically, it’s blatantly obvious that Ben Horne is up to no good but Cooper shrugs this off as; “hey, the guy’s a prick. What can you do?”

We catch up with Bobby and Shelly. An insurance salesman that looks like the dad of the guy who played that psychiatrist in Terminator 1 and 2… and 3 is congratulating the pair on being compassionate human-beings while cashing in on an invalid who has needs akin to an 8 month old baby. Shelly is not impressed when she discovers that Bobby’s plan to rake in $5000 a month in some pipe dream carer’s allowance doesn’t exactly come into fruition. Instead they’re going to rake in $100 a month… and she’s had to quit her job in the Double R Diner… I’m sure she’ll never work there again!

Oh…

Anyway, back at the Sheriff’s Department and Truman is talking to Donna about Harold Smith. You see, she’s insistent that Smith has something to do with Laura’s death or at the very least, he’s got information in the secret diary that could lead them to finding out the killer’s identity.

While Truman is concerned that Donna’s inability to keep away from the Laura Palmer case could lead to further ramifications (like Dr. Jacoby ended up in hospital) we’re introduced to Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole, one of the best characters in Twin Peaks and Cole just so happens to be portrayed by David Lynch. Yep, David Lynch. You may have heard of him?

I’ve been a fan of David Lynch since the first time I lied about seeing Eraserhead. he’s known to be quite the surrealist and it makes sense for him to appear in show like Twin Peaks. In fact, it’s a welcome surprise considering how “Lynchian” this show actually is! Obviously the production company knew that their IP shared many elements that David Lynch is renowned for. Kudos on whomever brought this guy in because David Lynch and Twin Peaks seem to fit, for some reason? I just hope his character sticks around because without him the show is just a sackful of farm yard animals sculpted out of shit and while fun and intriguing it’s still a sack. Full. Of. Shit.

Anyway, Gordon Cole is here in all his deaf-as-fuck glory and he is certainly a fun addition to the already extensive list of characters. So when Dale Cooper and Gordon Cole meet on screen for the first time we’re treated to their cornball charm, it’s light and fun and yet the plot moves forward. We learn that Cooper’s would-be assassin was wearing a vicuna coat… yeah, I totally Googled it and those coats are pretty expensive. Google images was mostly pictures of women’s coats, the kind worn by dicks. So, Cooper must’ve been shot by a wealthy woman. I wonder who?

Unfortunately Cooper wasn’t there to hear this bit of info, Cole’s relaying it to Truman who is too blinded by his lust for a certain dodgy and suspicious character.

Cole also informs Truman that the drug that Phillip Gerard left behind was a total mystery, they’re not sure what it is. Also, the papers that were found near the train carriage where Laura was murdered was from a diary… probably Laura’s diary? I’m just taking stabs at the dark, here. But I have a feeling they might be from her diary?

Then, what do you know?! Hawk has found Phillip Gerard!

So where’s Coop? Oh just taking Ben Horne to visit his recovering drugged up daughter, must be Tuesday!

Yeah, Audrey is totally sick of her father’s shit and you can practically hear the cogs turning in Cooper’s brain. What’s the Bookhouse, anyway? There’s a load of sick Harley’s outside, all polished to fuck but then again, that’s kinda what you do with a Harley, right? I could ask my father? He’s just bought one… finding out… that he done that? I now know what it must feel like for a really conservative, Bible-bashing father to find out that their son is gay.

Yet, it’s a sick bike! But it’s a Harley… sometimes life can be so conflicting!

Talking about being conflicted, Big Ed’s a prime example. Nadine’s returned, dressed as a school girl and she’s just burst into her home where Big Ed looks more lost than he’s ever been. Hey, it’s a little light humour before we visit Josie Packard and we’re left to assume that Mak Takano raped her… his character, not Mak Takano… what’s he called? Jonathan, I think? Anyway, Josie is basically ordered to return back to Hong Kong, where Mak Takano… is… from? Maybe he’s playing a Chinese character? Like how Piper Laurie is playing a Japanese businessman?

Anyway, Mak Takano has given Josie an ultimatum. They’re leaving TONIGHT! DER DU DUM!

Another character supposedly leaving is Maddy and she’s met up with James to regurgitate wisdom like the Bob-fodder she is. It’s touching and it feels like some plot threads are being tied up and funnily enough the next scene is fairly familiar is context. Josie, fresh from being totalled Takanoed has become right entitled bitch, she wants her money. She always wants money! It’s her favourite fucking thing on planet earth! So, she allows Ben to sleaze all over her because a) he’s got her money, apparently and b) she’s a bit a of a garbage character. Seriously, she’s such a dumping ground for plot threads it’s no surprise that she SPOILER ALERT… Tā de línghún bèi kùn zài mùtou shàng.

Anyway, Ben tries to blackmail Josie and is turn, Josie pulls the double blackmail on him. They’re at a serious impasse and so Ben cheekily gives her a cheque for a bezquillion dollars, she seems content and Ben chomps down on his cigar, “Well played.” Punctuated by a nice little pout. Nice Ben, nice.

Yeah, the cheque was originally from Mr. Tojamura… see! She is a dumping ground for plot threads! Poor, dumb Josie.

We catch up with Bobby and Shelly as they’re throwing a child’s birthday in honour of Leo Johnson, it’s a massive middle-finger to Bobby’s would-be murderer and Shelly’s abuser. It’s then that I notice the bottle in Bobby’s hand…

See, he’s got a bottle that is contemporary to the year it was filmed. Who’d have guessed, hey!?

The scene concludes with slapstick humour but there’s also a little bit of horror and it’s more than just a little bit creepy. Bobby and Shelly were literally about to fuck in front of the brain damaged husband… that takes cuckolding to a whole new level!

Shelly freaks out when she notices Leo almost looking at them, the dude’s wearing fucking wayfarers. You can’t see his eyes! Just do it! Oh well, they don’t and the scene ends like all good children’s birthdays should; the cake gets destroyed and the adults laugh about it.

Finally Cole and Cooper meet for the first time in the series and this is one brilliant moment. We’re introduced to Cole’s elaborate code phrases, in this case; Cooper looks like a small Mexican chihuahua. Whatever that means? It doesn’t really matter because it’s Cole’s little NLP-schtick, it’s a planted seed in your memory where you just gotta ask; “What’s this about a small Mexican chihuahua?”

He hands Cooper a letter, a chess move from a character that we have not met yet.

Also, the actor has not appeared in any iteration of Star Trek so… I just wasted 5 minutes of my life looking that up.

The Sheriff ends up getting mega-intercontinental-cock-blocked by Mak Takano. Josie is fucking off back to Hong Kong and leaving Truman with nothing but memories of that time he slept with that Asian girl. The one with the dubious past? Her late husband’s death was quite suspicious and she is prone to disappearing and she wants her money… Jesus, Harry. She leaves and Harry is stuck looking like a some kind of mug / tit.

Next up, Ben Horne is chatting with Mr. Tojamura, otherwise known as the Japanese Giorgio Moroder.

Anyway, I usually gloss over the whole Ben, Catharine Martell, Ghostwood stuff and yeah, I’m going to gloss over it now.

Next we have Leland Palmer singing that song from the King and I.

Little did audiences know at the time but episodes of Twin Peaks would end up having a lot of musical numbers in 2017.

Imagine being a time traveller and going back in time to tell a fan in 1991, “episodes of Twin Peaks will have a lot of music”.

“Really? Wow, what? Like, Twin Peaks will continue through to 2017?”

You could totally fuck with people’s expectations.

Anyway, Gerard’s being interrogated by Cooper, Sheriff Truman and Hawk. Cole is on standby with a sedative. Apparently, Phillip Gerard needs his drugs but Cooper doesn’t want to give him the medication that the one armed man desperately wants.

He convulses in his chair and the sound design is great, Gerard’s breathing sounds deeper, reverberates as if in a cave. Somewhere else.

Then Cooper comes face to face with Mike. The man that appeared in his dream; “Through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see.”

If you recalled from episode 3: The first two minutes of Cooper’s dream sequence focuses mostly on the man with one arm. He’s speaking cryptically about a tattoo he had on his left arm, how he met the face of God and he speaks of Bob.

“One chance out between two worlds, fire walk with me.”

Mike informs Cooper of things that he already knows but wasn’t sure of before. It is then that he informs Cooper that Bob is a parasite that requires a human host, that he has been on this earth for 40 years… probably born out from a nuclear explosion or something, I dunno?! Anyway, Cooper asks Mike where Bob is now and according to Mike he’s in “a large house… made of wood. Surrounded by trees. The house is filled with many rooms. Each alike, but inhabited by different souls, night after night.” Sounds like a hotel?

Gadzooks!!! BOB IS… LOUIE BUDWAY!