Source: Rommel Canlas/Shutterstock

“ paralyzes me with when I think about everyone criticizing my PowerPoint presentation. Being highly sensitive is depressing, and it’s not like is a walk in the park for introverts.”

Have you ever met someone who is hell-bent on convincing you of how “sensitive," “insecure” and "introverted" they are? Chances are you have, and chances are some possess a fair amount of selfishness and conceit.

When most people think of narcissists, it's the exaggerated characteristics of , hostility, cockiness, grandiosity, vanity, and the need to be noticed that come to mind.

But what about their counterparts who represent exaggerated forms of , insecurity and low , while displaying grandiose and vain insistence that others are obsessively evaluating them?

According to psychologist and researcher Paul Wink, there are two faces of narcissism: The Overt or Grandiosity- type, characterized by extraversion, , and , and The Covert or Vulnerability and Hypersensitivity type, characterized by introversion, defensiveness, anxiety, and vulnerability to life’s stressors.

Mr. Wink’s research found both sides are extraordinarily self-absorbed and share a common core of conceit, arrogance, and the tendency to give in to one's own needs and disregard others (Wink, 1991).

Narcissists are a cultural fixture, and our perpetual gawking and awe make it easy to discount the subtle, don’t-look-at-me traits of its covert cousin. And that’s unfortunate because individuals are often confounded by their partner’s conflicting push-pull traits. “She can’t be because she’s and can’t stand . On the other hand, her actions are selfish.”

As would be expected, when covert narcissists show up in , they do not identify themselves are needing to change, but seek help with managing how best to control and change others.

The key for clinicians is to recognize the client's hypersensitive fixation on the presumed incessant attention from others. The problem with employing traditional diagnostic criteria means the subtle and insidious narcissistic characteristics may go unnoticed.

The Complexity of Shy and Quiet

There’s nothing wrong with wallflowers and many shy people are not self-absorbed or egotistical. In fact, quiet is often refreshing given today’s in-your-face, look-at-me, selfie-obsessed society. And quiet can be layered.

I’ve worked with many a traumatized youth who barely speaks. For these kids, talking takes effort and vigilance. Speaking means constantly monitoring what’s coming out of your mouth because you don’t know who you can trust or what might be held against you.

But there’s a big difference between isolating yourself because your parent died violently when you were five and being a withdrawn creative type who views others’ conflicting opinions as intolerable and suspicious.

Quick and Dirty Tips to Upend Covert Narcissism:

1. Know that when you’re over-involved with others, you’re under-involved with yourself. The reverse is true as well—sometimes you need to cultivate interests outside of yourself and your anxiety.

2. Remember that you’re not that important to the vast majority of people on the planet. None of us are. Fretting that the couple in the corner is whispering about you or assuming the guy you met a year ago forgot your name because you are “overweight” is to assume that you are the center of attention. To quote Eleanor Roosevelt: “You wouldn’t worry so much what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

3. Put your anxiety to good use and prepare that PowerPoint presentation like there’s no tomorrow. Also, check your tendency to think you’re bigger than Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram. When audience members tune out, they’re more likely to tune into status updates rather than poke fun at you because you flubbed a word.

4. Read the New York Times, the Atlantic Monthly or Psychology Today so you’ll have plenty to talk about at the dinner party you don’t want to attend with your significant other. Remember you’re half of a partnership, and this entails taking one for the other team member from time to time.

Life is too short for mind games.

For honest, no-holds-barred articles on wellness + positive emotions, subscribe to Wired for Happy.

Copyright 2015 Linda Esposito, LCSW