If I learned anything from the avalanche of devil worship, pseudo satanic media filled 1980’s, it’s that conjuring a demon was the end goal of any true satan-phile. It just so happens to be a point of expertise of mine, one of a select few that I am willing to share. If you have ever wanted to learn the ancient secret of safely summoning a demon, and by extension having your wildest dreams granted by those supernatural entities, read on. If you prefer to live a meaningless life filled with banality and normalcy, well then, fuck off!

Demons have been a staple of the pseudo from their Islamic-Judaeo-Christian roots. Creatures of Hell that hold infernal power to grant wishes or act in the stead of the conjurer to perform tasks a mortal could never perform themselves, has titillated the most ambitious of minds, and engaged the imagination of virtually every mortal, ever. There is a way to draw out these infernal creatures, but as with everything in life, nothing comes without cost. If you are willing to travel with me upon this path of hellish discovery, I ask but one thing of you in return. Suspend disbelief. Read on with the same perspective you would entering into your decompression chamber, or rather, a role playing encounter with your lover. What you experience from this moment forth will be reality in type only. Still here? Let us begin.

Every conjurer worth his salt will tell you the very first thing you need is discordant music. This can be achieved by playing a record in reverse, or entertaining a talented(-less) musicians exploration in otherworldly, audio-experimental. The point is to short circuit your auditory senses, thereby creating a blank slate from the hum of reality. Think of it this way. If light is represented on a multitude of waves that our human eyes cannot comprehend, imagine the vast array of auditory waves that we simply do not have access to. We must disrupt our very sense of being in order to tap into the ether.

Next we must be draped in the fashion of those whom we seek to conjure. Certainly you would not welcome a guest to a 1920’s dinner party in a 13th century gown, ha ha ha… how droll! No, if you want to speak with The Devil, you had better wear some fucking metal! I’m talking rings, necklaces, caps and plates on your boots and don’t let that stop you from exploring piercings, wallet chains or neck locks. One never can tell which demon they will summon and which metal based fetish they may have. Your dress will inform the summoned of your desires… never waste an etherial’s time!

The unholy trinity of summoning, or “To the Methods of Conjuring Those Whom You Shall Not” if I am to quote the ancient philosopher-magician Carnaelionis the Flamboyant, is to speak in tongues. Yes, I am speaking of those muscles that allow us to bend wind, forming the variations in the admittedly, limited scope of sound we practice, in order to convey thoughts or motives. We must learn the convoluted Speak of the Dead. This often involves many more consonants than vowels in patterns that may seem in direct opposition to western language and yet wield the most successful results when properly executed. They do not call it ‘tongue tied’ for nothing; as when you execute the illogical and fallible, patterned intrinsic language of Hell, you have literally tied a Demon to your will. When successful, they must complete a single desire from your vile, perverted and undeniably maniacal brain.

Lest I forget the final step, that cannot be named as a step for fear of it adding a mathematical or stage-oriented note to it’s utterly fantastical, yet abomination of a realization in failure. This is the containment device for the Demon. The ‘fake news, liberal media’ would like you to think this to be a circle or pentagram of salt on the floor, but in fact, is much worse.I do not pretend to comprehend the why’s or where fore’s, but I am the bearer of the ancient secret containment device. Brace yourselves for disbelief, but believe me when I say… I AM serious. Tupperware. The secret is… Tupperware. Again I do not pretend to understand it, but demons cannot escape Tupperware. Perhaps is it the trademark vacuum seal, or the locking in of freshness–or perhaps it’s the simple plastic material–whatever the case, you mother will mourn its absence for your diabolical use.

Do all this when your parents are not at home, in the company of your closest friends, with a random friends-friend in attendance for a spattering of disbelief or denial of what is about to happen. Prepare yourselves for the fulfillment of your wildest dreams, like seeing Becky’s boobies, or having Gena ask to see your boner. Or perhaps you simply want Steve to ask you to the prom or Billy to notice you from across the hall, ignoring his girlfriend long enough for her to notice because she called you fat once at camp. Yes, whatever your motives, you too can call upon the powers of Hell if you are but open to the experience… Then again, this could just be a joke post of someone who had a few moments on his hands and a glass of Pinot Noir.

Either way, allow yourselves the ecstasies of Hell and may his dark lord shine down upon you, his darkest blessings.

Ave Satanas!

-Reverend Campbell