Brace yourselves Canada. Tim Hortons – famous for selling litres of hot asswater, boxes of stale sugar pucks, and soups that are old enough to vote (all brought to you by an endemic culture of cutthroat business practices) – has entered the breakfast cereal market.

Not ones to hold back when they smell total market saturation, the distinctly Canadian brand (nothing too fancy, but no unions either eh?) has decided to dive in bread first, unveiling not one but two versions of cereal based on the shit they have left over after they’ve made their truly awful donuts. And to top it off, every box comes with your very own wage slave!

“That’s right folks, in every box of chocolate floor sweepings, or birthday cake crumbs from the sink, you’ll find a replica of one of our Tim Hortons’ action employees,” says the donut dynasty’s marketing manager, Mable Glazed.

“Free wage slave options include: Recent arrival to Canada, overqualified university graduate, senior citizen without a pension, or young person trying to save up for student debt. Collect all four!” the unsurprisingly manic marketer shouted into the void, before going on to point out that benefits for the free workers aren’t included. Or necessary.

“Now if you do get the whole set, just make sure you don’t let them organize into one of those communist collectives that people like to call unions,” Mable advises, grinning like a Tim Hortons franchise owner who has just informed his employees that bathroom breaks are off the clock. “Or before you know it you’ll be having to pay a fair and reasonable price for your breakfast cereal!”

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