To many, Oprah Winfrey is an iconic talk show host, actress, philanthropist, weight loss guru, and inspiration. But you know what they say, behind every great person, is a dark side they’re not revealing to you. Chances are, if you take a look behind those eyes, you’ll see there’s a person who leads a life of crime. Let’s face it: Oprah is probably a compulsive arsonist, and somehow you’ll probably end up being a witness to it. So, should you not so shockingly find yourself testifying against her in court one day, be sure to use these quotes to put her away for good! The fire stops here, Oprah!

Oprah Quote: “Turn your wounds into wisdom.”

How to use it in your testimony: Explain to the jury that Oprah was referring to actual, physical wounds you suffered at the hands of Oprah after you tried to talk her out of committing arson, and her public declaration of this statement is akin to an admission of guilt. Wow, the balls on this woman!

Oprah Quote: “Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

How to use it in your testimony: When Oprah says “someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down,” she really means, after the arson, someone who will help her dispose of the evidence, and it’s your job as a character witness to get this point across when Stedman’s burned body is found in the wreckage of the limo.

Oprah Quote: “Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.”

How to use it in your testimony: Explain how Oprah trained you to respond during police interrogations about whether or not Oprah experienced an orgasm-like glee upon seeing the orange flames against a night sky. If only Oprah didn’t compulsively light fires around her upscale neighborhood!

Oprah Quote: “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

How to use it in your testimony: While you might think this is the last thing Oprah says before she commits arson, it’s weirdly what she says before she skateboards on private property, right in front of your eyes. But make no mistake, the major charges here are the arson-related ones, not the skateboarding-related ones. Oprah thinks skateboards are cool because her cousin has one. She thinks fire is cool because she’s sick.

Oprah Quote: “You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.”

How to use it in your testimony: This is undoubtedly a method of bribery (also a crime) Oprah used to coax you into stealing and setting fire to yet another limousine in Vegas last February, because she thinks she is above the law. She is very good at setting limos on fire, it would seem.

Oprah Quote: “One of the hardest things in life to learn are which bridges to cross and which bridges to burn.”

How to use it in your testimony: This is a reference to all of the actual bridges she has burned in her many years as an unrepentant arsonist. Her guilt was under our noses all along.

Oprah Quote: “You get to know who you really are in a crisis.”

How to use it in your testimony: Um, yeah. Oprah got to know who she really was after leaving a too-specific calling card at the scene of each arson. Who else would leave a $60 cherry pie?

Oprah Quote: “I know for sure that what we dwell on is what we become.”

How to use it in your testimony: Oprah dwells on arson! She’s an arsonist!

Oprah is known for a variety of uplifting sayings, but what you need to know is that someday you’ll come face to face with the real Oprah, and see her words for what they really are—veiled references to her many arsons. Just don’t tell anyone we coached you on this!