Arguably the greatest scientist in human history. Discovered the laws of motion and gravity. Invented the calculus. Did pioneering work on optics. Lived to 84 years old. Reportedly, he died without ever having sex.


Were the two related? Did his genius and discoveries get a boost from the sexual energy he did not expend in the normal way? Did he transfer it to work, and this helped with finding those laws and changing the world? I don't know; I haven't read a proper biography of him. The definitive one according to what I have read, is Richard Westall's Never at Rest. It's supposed to be very comprehensive. So I wonder if it'll answer the question—if it's even a question that has been thought—and also answer how exactly we know Newton died a virgin. I mean, were there diaries, entries like "August 20, 1681. Struck out again. I'll never have sex!" Could be. Knowing nothing myself, here now is a imagined scene about Newton failing:


Int. Ye Olde English Pub. Isaac Newton sidles up to the bar, orders some milk, then his eyes alight on the ravishing beauty sitting alone and drinking some whisky. He licks his hands and swipes his hair.

Newton: Hey, baby. Your breathtaking beautiful gravity's so strong that it carried me all the way from my hovel in Cambridge just so I could talk to you. How about you and me go back to my place and I'll show you my asymptote.


Bar Girl: What, did you get your lines from Jay Leno? Piss off!

Newton: Hey, no need for that sexy language. Do you know who I am? I'm Isaac Newton, baby. I discovered the rules of motion. Why don't we do a little motion ourselves, and, honey, there won't be any rules!


Bar Girl: Idiot. I have friends in the Royal Society, jackass. I hear you're a jerk and an arsehole. That you can't be generous to other scientists and that you preside over the Society like a strict, dour bastard. You have no sense of humour, they say, and all your time is spent trying to unlock Scripture and turn stuff into gold. Yeah, I'm sure you're really a romantic and exciting fellow who will show a girl a great time. No thanks. Now piss off.

Newton: Wench! I'll show you! They're gonna say my name hundreds if not thousands of years from now! I don't have to take this. I'm going home to pleasure myself. My hand is more exalted than any woman!


Bar Girl: Just make sure you don't stain the Principia. Wouldn't want future generations not to be able to read your genius. (Rolls eyes.)

Newton: Ahhhh! (Stomps away.)

So this is probably what happened. Newton wasn't a virgin because he didn't want women. He remained a virgin because he was a jerk, struck out a lot of times, and consoled himself by doubling down on his work and discoveries. That's my unfounded and unsupported guess anyway.