Recently, following a series of reported and flagged posts, the popular Facebook page Anarchist Memes was unpublished by Facebook (you can visit their new page here).

The posts which led to the page’s censorship revolved around feminist, trans, and anti-fascist themes, leading a gaggle of so-called “men’s rights activists” and capitalists to report the page for “sexist” and “violent” content.

Facebook, of course, being the massively misogynist organization that it is, decided to enforce these reports, leading the once 90,000 strong page to have to start its efforts all over again (as of today, the new page has only around 9,000 “likes”).

Not surprisingly, this has pissed a lot of anarchists off.

What was surprising, however, was that a group of capitalists (one of whom, Don Voluntarist Dougherty, tried to take full credit for the flagging… feel free to write him about it) launched a page by the same name right after the original was taken down, leading to a hilarious flame war between the two groups, and an incredibly poor showing of support for the capitalists, who could muster barely 1/9 of the likes the anarchists gained.

The events were, we’d have to conclude, at most annoying. But it got me thinking – I understand why a group of capitalist apologists would want to take down a popular page like Anarchist Memes. What I don’t understand is why, given all the animosity between the two camps, any capitalists would want to be included as anarchists at all?

It isn’t just that I hate everything these people are – from their affiliations with fascists and “men’s rights” activists, to their support for police and prisons – it’s that even from their perspective, it just doesn’t make any sense.

Accordingly, I’d like to help start a long overdue conversation amongst capitalists – a conversation you should have had 50 years ago when Murray Rothbard introduced the term “anarcho-capitalism.”

It’s an open question, addressed to all of you weirdos: why do capitalists want to be anarchists?

I mean, I get it, we’re sexy as fuck. We light shit on fire, we throw really exclusive parties, and we look great in balaclavas. Nevertheless, here’s some food for thought for you unfortunate souls out there still on some NAP kick:

You disagree with 90% of what anarchists believe. It isn’t just a question of historical lineage – today, the overwhelming, vast, incredible majority of anyone, anywhere, who calls themselves an anarchist is anti-capitalist. They oppose private property. They reject all prisons, police, and courts – especially privately owned ones. In case you missed the past million memo’s, here’s what anarchists think about property rights:

You participate in none of the same activities. With the frequent – and bizarre – calls from capitalists to “unite” with anarchists “against the state,” one has to wonder how these idiots picture that unity actually functioning. Can you imagine anarchists voting for Ron Paul? Or taking part in one of their ridiculous attempts to establish “free market communities” in bum fuck nowhere, middle America?

Alternatively, when is the last time you saw a capitalist take a swing at a cop, or walk a picket line? NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

You aim for a society that anarchists hate:

Why try to find common ground with anarchists, who are at best a political movement almost completely unconcerned with you, and at worst a molotov wielding mob that would chase you out-of-town if you ever became influential enough?

Look, you know it, and we know it. Everybody fucking knows it. You all came out of nowhere, stumbled into a political tradition with a hundred years of history and momentum behind it, and stupidly decided to start calling yourselves anarchists. Now, somehow, you’re really confused when no one believes you.

This isn’t at all an attempt to win you over to anarchism, nor is it to rehash arguments about that term’s definition (which, in this case, is beyond any reputable dispute). Its more out of pity – just like the pathetic attempt to “take over” Anarchist Memes demonstrates, there’s nowhere for you to go with it. Do yourselves a favor and find another political movement to latch onto; one you could actually find common ground with. Might I suggest the Republican Party?