Making a Tarzan movie sounds like a horrible idea, but if you’re going to do it, you might as well cast a tall, handsome, Swedish version of Ryan Gosling that loves to party like Alexander Skårsgard. I’m not saying he’s handsome, but theaters should probably invest in a gutter system to collect all the melted panties. Skårsgåååård is reportedly director David Yates’ (Harry Potter) first choice for the role, and it’s nice to see handsome people finally catch a break.

An imposing physical presence at 6’4″, Skarsgard is Yates’ choice to play the vine-swinging hero, sources tell Variety. Skarsgard doesn’t have an offer and the studio hasn’t finalized any casting decisions for the film, which has yet to go before the studio’s greenlight committee. However, with a summer start date being planned, it is expected to be greenlit before the end of the year, as WB is high on Yates and wouldn’t tie up his schedule with a movie it has no intention of making. Should Yates convince Warners brass to sign off on Skarsgard’s casting, the Swedish thesp would play John Clayton III, known around the world as the famous “ape man” Tarzan. Years after he’s re-assimilated into society, he’s asked by Queen Victoria to investigate the goings-on in the Congo. Tarzan teams with an ex-mercenary named George Washington Williams to save the Congo from a fierce warlord who controls a massive diamond mine.

Wait wait wait, so it starts with Tarzan wearing a suit talking to the queen, and he has to go back to the jungle and keep from going native? Holy crap, this is like the movie version of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. JUST TAKE MY TEN DOLLARS ALREADY! Oh, and did I mention it’ll be a 19th century colonial interracial buddy-cop movie where one of them is an ape man? Because sh*t yeah, that just happened:

Samuel L. Jackson is being eyed to play Williams, a Civil War veteran eager to redeem himself for his part in the massacre of Native Americans. [Variety]

YUM, HISTORY SALAD! So let me see if I have this straight: Hollywood is making a movie in which the good British queen sends a blond guy to Africa to save it from an evil, exploitative, diamond-hungry black tribesman? Now I’m no historian, but I don’t think that’s exaaactly how it happened…

[picture 2 via Skarsgard aficianado TheSuperficial]