PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

According to a mythical new study 95 per cent of mothers are relieved when their child decides to play hockey over participating in other available activities.

Fictional TV station CIPP –TV in conjunction with hit show Get The Puck Out conducted the survey last month and proved what many already suspected.

“It was almost unanimous,” Survey Leader David Draiman said. “Parents love watching their kids play hockey but can’t stand going to dance class, swimming lessons, school concerts and even other sports.”

And who can blame them? Non-athletic children are better off playing video games than trying non-hockey sports and torturing their parents.

“My son did both music and hockey when he was younger,” mother of two, Geraldine Hanson said. “He originally thought about quitting hockey to have more time to play the piano. We were so relieved when he quit music to focus on hockey.”

Almost every parent we spoke to indicated how tedious watching most of their kid’s activities, outside of hockey, can be.

“My kid was in figure skating so we’d spend 3 hours a night at the rink and I would walk over and see the other parents watching hockey and just wish that was me,” father, Austin Romance shared. “Imagine having a three-hour practise every day with no sticks and no pucks. That’s the level of hell I have to go through. And instead of tournaments try going away all weekend to watch your kid get 6 minutes of ice time and not score one goal.”

Shirley Thiessen of Portage la Prairie has a child in dance and gymnastics and is busy five nights a week. “I get so jealous of hockey moms. Not only does everybody think they are hotter, but hockey is so much more fun to be around. Dance and gymnastics have all the politics and drama of hockey but none of the sizzle.”

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The study indicates most parents end up resenting the investment of time and money into their children’s extra-curricular interests.

“If I’m honest, I’d rather take the money (I’m spending on activities) buy some beer and watch TV,” dad, Steven Sakapansky said. “Ever been to a badminton tournament? It’s one of the most tedious experiences there is.”

Most parents surveyed had no problem spending thousands a year on hockey related expenses but the few hundred dollars associated with other sports and endeavours was viewed dimly.

“Having to shell out to have my kid play volleyball is painful,” Sherry Ratzberg offered. “But if your kid isn’t involved in some kind of sport people will think they are one of those weird church kids.”

Many church going parents decide not to engage their kids in hockey and sport in general and make up the 5 percent who prefer other activities for their offspring.

“Our church frowns on kids in sports,” Mary Carson said. “Kids in sports can interfere too much with youth events and services. It’s better the kids don’t play so they are available to go to church more.”

Church parents believe abstinence from sports will help children grow up to become well-adjusted and socially acceptable adults, an assertion not shared by hockey parents.

“I just pray that my kids will play hockey next year,” Dana Friesen, mother of four-year-old twins shared. “I want them to be accepted and popular. I’m afraid they might get left out and not make friends.”

The survey was conducted on a Tuesday night in February among a non-random group of parents who watch a lot of reality TV and drive over-sized SUV’s.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and disclosure about the fictional, satirical, magical and delightful nature of this story and website along with legal disclosures about many a thing. CIPP TV isn’t real beyond this stupid website meaning it doesn’t exist outside the minds of its creators and consumers. At times, it is metaphorical but never physical. Keep your head up and your heart full.

Photo Credit – Jenniferschwalm