This is the transcipt of a focsle follies skit from my last cruise. I apologize in advance for the all caps, that is how it was sent to me. Enjoy!



THE PIECE IS ENTITLED 'DIARY OF A DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V' BY LIEUTENANT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (STRIKE FIGHTER PILOT). THE NARRATIVE TAKES US THROUGH A TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF A JUNIOR OFFICER ABOARD A MODERN AIRCRAFT CARRIER ON A SIX-MONTH DEPLOYMENT. OF COURSE AS THE DAY BEGINS, THE YOUNG SHAKESPEARE FINDS HIMSELF IN THAT FAVORITE STATE OF JUNIOR OFFICER EXISTENCE, ASLEEP IN HIS RACK. AND I READ



0930, FEBRUARY 10TH IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 20 HUNDRED AND THREE. BOSUN'S WHISTLE:



HARK, WHAT INCESSANT PIERCING SOUND RIPS THROUGH MY SUB CONSCIENCE LIKE A SPEAR THRUST THROUGH THE HEART OF TRANQUILITY. IT'S THAT SHRILL AND MOST ANNOYING WAIL OF THE BOSON'S PIPE ANNOUNCING YET ANOTHER MAN OVERBOARD DRILL.



THUS BEGINS MY DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



WOULD IT WERE THAT THIS WAS THE FIRST SUCH INTERRUPTION OF MY BLISSFUL SLUMBER, MY SPIRITS WOULD NOT RUN SO FOUL. BUT ALAS, THIS IS THE THIRD CONSECUTIVE ATTEMPT TO MUSTER THE CREW; WHERE THE TWO ENDEAVORS HITHERTO HAVE SO MISERABLY FAILED. HOW YOU ASK, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SANE CAN 5000 GROWN MEN AND WOMEN TRAPPED IN THE CONFINES OF THIS GLORIOUS VESSEL, FAIL TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO ACCOUNT FOR THEMSELVES WITHIN ONE QUARTER OF AN HOUR. ..... A MYSTERY THAT WILL BAFFLE THE GREATEST OF MINDS, AND WILL NO DOUBT FORCE THE SHIP'S 2ND IN COMMAND TO AN EARLY GRAVE.



0933 MUCH AS I DID THIRTY MINUTES HITHER AND THIRTY HITHER TO THAT I CALL THE SQUADRON DUTY OFFICER TO INFORM HIM YET AGAIN THAT I AM INDEED ALIVE AND YES I'M STILL ABOARD THIS DREADFUL SHIP. LULLABY



0933 AND 30 SECONDS. MY RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS MOST TRIFLING OF EXERCISES COMPLETE, I RESUME MY PEACEFUL REPOSE, FOR AS A JUNIOR OFFICER, MY PRIMARY DUTY IS AFTER ALL TO SLEEP UNTIL THE PANGS OF HUNGER AROUSE ME AND THENCE TO EAT UNTIL THE SAND MAN ONCE AGAIN GUIDES ME GENTLY ACROSS THE RIVER OF CONSCIOUSNESS TO SLUMBERLAND WHERE I DREAM OF THE GLORIOUS DAY WHEN THIS SIX MONTH LONG CYCLE OF EATING AND SLEEPING WILL COME TO A MERCIFUL END.



1145 AS THEY HAVE COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE, THOSE MOST RELIABLE PANGS OF HUNGER FORCE ME TO DRAG MY LIFELESS CARCASS FROM MY RACK.



1148 I DON MY WARRIOR'S GARB, A DRAB OLIVE AFFAIR WITH FAR TOO MANY ZIPPERS. ON MY LEFT BREAST, MY RANK AND NAME. ON MY RIGHT AN OBVIOUS VOID WHERE MY LEGION'S CREST MUST FIT. BUT ALAS TO WHICH LEGION DO I BELONG?



--HS-8 - THE MIGHTY EIGHTBALLERS?



RELENTLESSLY BEATING THE AIR INTO SUBMISSION WITH THEIR ROTOR BLADES, TRACING ENDLESS CIRCLES IN THE SKY AT CHERUBS 1.5 ON THE STARBOARD BEAM FOR HOURS AND HOUR AND HOURS ON END? NOOOO.



--VFA-147 ARGONAUTS.



THE ARGONAUT, WARRIOR OF ANCIENT GREEK LORE. THE CREST, HOWEVER AN OBVIOUSLY EFFEMINATE ERSTWHILE SENTINEL IN AN ORANGE SKIRT, GLEEFULLY STANDING ASTRIDE A TWIN TAILED LIZZARD. HARDLY THE IMAGE FOR WHICH VERY MUCH RESPECT IS GARNERED.



--VFA-146 BLUE DIAMONDS.



BLUE DIAMONDS. THAT IS GAY.



--VMFA-314 BLACK KNIGHTS.



NOW THERE IS A WARRIOR'S CREST IF EVER THERE WAS ONE, BUT ALAS I AM NOT WORTHY OF SUCH A CREST, FOR THE LENGTH OF MY HAIR EXCEEDS TWO CENTIMETERS, MY IQ EXCEEDS TWO DIGITS AND WHEN IN FULL STATE OF AROUSAL, MY WEDDING TACKLE EXCEEDS TWO INCHES



VS-33 SCREWBIRDS.



FIRST, WHAT IN HEAVENS NAME IS A SCREW BIRD. SECOND, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE A SCREW BIRD. TWO QUESTIONS FOR WHICH I'M SURE THERE ARE LIGITIMATE ANSWERS, BUT FOR WICH I HAVE NEITHER THE TIME NOR INCLINATION TO PURSUE.



VAW-112 GOLDEN HAWKS.



THE HAWK, A NOBLE BIRD OF PREY, WITH EYES AS KEEN AS ANY IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. AH, BUT I FEAR, THESE PARTICULAR GOLDEN HAWKS ARE PRONE TO CATARACS OF THE MOST SEVERE NATURE. --FOR EVEN IN THE MOST PITCHED OF ARIAL BATTLES WHEREIN A VERITABLE ARMADA OF ENEMY AIRCRAFT IS BEARING DOWN ON THE FRIENDLY AIR PATROL, ONE IS GUARANTEED TO HEAR THE UNWAIVERING GOLDEN HAWK MANTRA CUTTING THROUGH THE DIN



"GHOST SHOWS PICTURE CLEAN".



VAQ-138 YELLOW JACKETS.



THE YELLOW JACKET A FORMIDABLE INSECT OF PREY WITH A DEADLY STING. PROMISING, BUT IF WEARING THIS CREST MEANS FLYING AROUND WITH YOUR PROBE FULLY EXPOSED FOR ALL TO SEE DAY AND NIGHT I WILL TAKE A PASS.



VFA-22 FIGHTING REDCOCKS.



THE REDCOCK A FEROCIOUS COMBATIVE CHICKEN SPLENDIDLY DEPICTED HERE IN FULL FURY. NOTE IF YOU WILL, THE NON-STANDARD ELONGATED CREST CLEARLY DESIGNED NOT ONLY TO STAND OUT FROM THE REST BUT ALSO TO HINT OF THE PHALLIC DUALITY OF THE VERY NAME RED COCK. NO OTHER CREST CAN COME THIS CLOSE TO CAPTURING THE FIGHTING SPIRIT AND CARNAL ESSENCE OF WARFARE AS DOES THIS. AND HENCE IT SHALL BE MY CREST.



1210 I FIND MY WAY TO THE EATERY TO TAKE SUSTENANCE. BUT ALAS, THE VILE NATURE OF THE RATIONS LEAVES ME TO WANT OF DIFFERENT FARE.

-- TO DIFFERENTIATE THE RICE FROM THE PRESSED POTATOES ONE IS LEFT WITH COLOR ALONE, FOR THE TEXTURES OF THE TWO ARE ONE IN THE SAME. --THE CHICKEN IS AS DRY AS THE SERENGETI AND THE BEEF SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO BE LABELED AS SUCH. --FOR DESSERT THERE ARE BRICKS OF DEHYDRATED CAKES, MUCH MORE SUITED FOR MASONRY THAN HUMAN CONSUMPTION. --WERE IT NOT FOR THE FROZEN CREAM MACHINE AND SPEEDWAY TREATS, THIS EATERY WOULD SURLY HAVE BEEN SAKED IN OPEN REBELLION BY ITS VIOLENTLY DISGRUNTLED PATRONS. --NEVERTHELESS, I PICK THROUGH THE OFFERINGS AND FIND ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO WHET MY APPITITE BEFORE GORGING ON THREE SPEEDWAYS AND A GLASS OF CHOCOLATE FLAVORED COWS MILK.



1255 I AM AS SATIATED AS A BLOATED TICK



WHEN THE SANDMAN COMES TO VISIT, REMINDING ME OF THE NEED TO BEGIN MY OBIGATORY AFTERNOON RERACK.



1310 I FIND MY RACK AND BEGIN THE SLEEP PHASE OF THE NEVER ENDING EAT-SLEEP-EAT SLEEP CYCLE THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF MY EXISTENCE HERE ABOARD THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



1525 I REAWAKEN AND AFTER NO LESS THAN 50 MINUTES OF NAVIGATING THROUGH THE WET WAX MAZE OF PARTIALLY AND FULLY BARRICADED CORRIDORS, I FIND MY WAY TO CVIC, WHERE MY BROTHERS IN ARMS ARE FEVERISHLY PLANNING FOR WAR. --TONIGHT WE WILL COMBINE AS A SINGLE LEGION PRESSING FORTH AS A SEAMLESS FULLY INTEGRATED FORCE TO RAIN FLAWLESSLY COORDINATED DEATH AND DESTRUCTION ON THE ENEMY. --OF COURSE, THIS TIME ON THE CHUCK V, THE WAR AND THE ENEMY ARE BOTH IMAGINARY, BUT NO MATTER. AS WARRIORS, WE WOULD MUCH RATHER PRETEND TO FIGHT AND WATCH FROM THE SIDELINES AS OTHERS THROW THEMSELVES INTO ACTUAL COMBAT, --LEAVING ACTUAL BATTLEFIELDS STREWN WITH TWISTED SMOULDERING CHUNKS OF THE ENEMIE'S REMAINS. COMING HOME AS HEROES TO THE ADULATIONS OF CHEERING CROWDS AND GRATEFUL LEADERS WHO BESTOW HEAPS OF MEDALS UPON THEIR CHESTS. --WHY ON EARTH WOULD WE WANT TO INDULGE IN SUCH TRIFLES? SO INSTEAD WE CARRY ON SMARTLY IN THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE HERE ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V



1800 I DON BY ARMOR AND SET OUT TO MOUNT MY TRUSTY CRAFT IN THE TWILIGHT.



1900 WITH FIERY WIND AND A THUNDEROUS ROAR I FLING MY CRAFT INTO THE DARKENING SKIES, LEAVING BEHIND THE SAFETY OF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V, AND PLUNGING HEAD LONG INTO MOCK BATTLE WITH MY BROTHERS IN ARMS.



1945 I'M ANXIOUS TO JOIN THE FIGHT, BUT TO REACH THE BATTLEFIELD WE MUST FIRST FIND AND THEN DANCE WITH THE SADISTIC VIXEN KNOWN TO ALL AS THE IRON MAIDEN.



--THERE WERE TO BE THREE SUCH MAIDENS TO SERVICE OUR LUST FOR PETROL ON THIS NIGHT, THAT WAS THE PLAN, THIS IS REALITY AND 'TIS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT NEVER SHALL THE TWAIN MEET. ON THIS NIGHT THERE IS OF COURSE BUT ONE MAIDEN.



1950 THE SUN HAS LONG SINCE SET, LEAVING THE MOONLESS NIGHT SKY AS BLACK AND FOREBODING AS THE INSIDE OF MY ONE-MONTH-OLD CRUISE SOCK.



1951 I DON MY MAGIC SPECTACLES TURNING NIGHT INTO DAY AND LOOK OUT AT THE HORIZON AND SEE THE IRON MAIDEN IN THE DISTANCE.

-- HER TWINKLING BEACON FADES IN AND OUT OF VIEW AS SHE SCRIBES A GIANT CIRCLE IN THE SKY PAINSTAKINGLY ENSURING SHE TRAVERSES EACH AND EVERY THUNDERCLOUD IN THE FIRMAMENT, DRAGGING WITH HER THE DOZEN OR SO SUITORS CLAMORING FOR HER ATTENTION. --SHE IS BESET ON ALL SIDES BY THE TWINKLING LIGHTS OF THOSE DESPERATE FOR HER PRECIOUS CARGO AND I, LIKE THE MANY OTHERS AM ATTEMPTING TO PLACE MYSELF IN THAT SAME PIECE OF SPACE IN THE BLACK OF NIGHT, AND WAIT MY TURN TO EXPERIENCE NEAR DEATH WHILST MATING WITH THIS MERCILESS WENCH. --I PRAY TO THE GODS OF BIG SKY AND LITTLE AIRCRAFT THAT I WILL LIVE THROUGH THIS NIGHT AND RETURN SAFELY TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



2010 BY SOME MIRACLE OF MIRACLES I SURVIVE THE IRON MAIDEN AND PRESS TO THE FIGHT. THERE I UNLEASH HELL'S FURY ON THE MOCK ENEMY, LEAVING THE MAKE BELIEVE BATTLEFIELD SCARRED WITH 500 POUNDS OF INERT BLUE DEATH.



2105 I SURVIVE A SECOND MATING WITH THE IRON MAIDEN AND I PRESS FOR HOME. I AM RELIEVED THAT I HAVE CHEATED DEATH YET AGAIN AND ALMOST LET OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF WHEN I REALIZE I'M NOT HOME YET. I HAVE YET TO SURVIVE AN APPROACH AND NIGHT ARRESTMENT ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



2122 I CHECK IN WITH MARSHAL AND RECEIVE THE JOYOUS NEWS THAT THE WEATHER IS 500 OVERCAST, TWO MILES VISIBILITY WITH RAIN SHOWERS......



2130 I PUSH FROM MARSHAL AT THE APPOINTED HOUR. EVER SO DILIGENT IN MEETING, TO WITHIN A FRACTION, THE REQUIRED PARAMETERS OF THE TRIED AND TRUE CV-1 APPROACH. ... AH BUT HOW NAIVE AM I TO BELIEVE THAT SUCH A STANDARD APPROACH IS TO BE HAD WHILST RETURNING TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



2131 MUCH TO MY DISMAY AND THAT OF MY BRETHREN AIRBORNE, APPROACH CONTROL INITIATES ITS PATENTED AND SEEMINGLY ENDLESS VOLLEY OF PUZZLING VECTORS AND AIRSPEED CHANGES, DESIGNED, I'M CONVINCED!, TO DEGENERATE AN OTHERWISE ORDERLY RECOVERY INTO A MAD CIRCUS OF BEDLAM AND BUFFOONERY. 2132 MOTHER IS IN A STARBOARD TURN FINAL BEARING 360. 2133 MOTHER IS IN A PORT TURN. FINAL BEARING 340.



2134 MOTHER IS YET AGAIN IN A STARBOARD TURN, FINAL BEARING 010!



-- I LOOK TO THE HEAVENS AND ASK IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS MERCIFUL



--IF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V IS TRULY MY MOTHER AND I HER CHILD, WHY THEN WOULD SHE SWING HER FINAL BEARING TO AND FRO LIKE A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD WIELDED BY SOME DEMENTED KNIGHT OF DEATH!!? THERE IS NO ANSWER FORTHCOMING FROM THE HEAVENS....AND I PRESS ON WITH MY APPROACH.



2134 AND 30 SECONDS THE CIRCUS IS IN FULL PANDEMONIUM AND I AM BUT ONE OF MANY HAPLESS HARLEQUINS TRAPPED IN A MANIACAL DANCE OF DEATH DIRECTED BY THE WRETCHED SADISTS WHO DWELL DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V



2135 I'VE MANAGED TO CLOSE WITHIN 4 MILES AND AM ASKED TO SAY MY NEEDLES....



-A DASTARDLY REQUEST FROM A HEARTLESS VILLAIN!

EVERYONE, TO A MAN, KNOWS THAT FOR THE PAST WEEK THERE WERE NO NEEDLES TO BE HAD AND WHY PRAY TELL SHOULD THIS NIGHT DIFFER FROM THE REST? "NEGATIVE NEEDLES" IS MY RESTRAINED REPLY



2135 AND 30 SECONDS I'M TOLD TO FLY THE BULLS EYE.

AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, ON THIS NIGHT, MY OTHERWISE TRUSTY CRAFT IS FAILING TO PROVIDE ME WITH THIS OH SO BASIC OF NAVIGATIONAL NEEDS. NEGATIVE BULLS EYE IS THE SEETHING RESPONSE THAT ESCAPES THROUGH MY CLENCHED TEETH..



2136 I'M AT TWO MILES.

"TAKE CHERUBS 6 SURVEILLANCE APPROACH, MOTHER IS IN A PORT TURN FINAL BEARING 350." --ITS OH SO DARK AND ONLY THROUGH THE INCESSANT FLASHING OF MY STROBES DO I NOTICE I HAVE ACQUIRED AN UNINVITED WINGMAN.



THE GRIM REAPER HIMSELF,



HARBINGER OF DEATH, HAS TAKEN STATION JUST OFF MY STARBOARD WING. HE'S FLYING IN PERFECT PARADE POSITION! ---HIS CLOAK IS FLUTTERING IN THE BLACKNESS AND THE GLINT OF MY STROBES REFLECTS OFF THE CURVED BLADE OF HIS OUTSTRETCHED SCYTHE. --AROUND HIS WAIST ARE THE SHRUNKEN SKULLS OF COUNTLESS AVIATORS WHOSE SOULS WERE REAPED ON JUST SUCH A NIGHT . --"STAND BACK!" I CRY, "O BLACK ANGEL OF DEATH! YOU SHALL NOT HARVEST THIS SOUL TONIGHT!"



--I PUSH MY CRAFT TO THE VERY LIMITS OF ITS THRUST, TWISTING AND WHIRLING IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO CHASE THAT MOST ELUSIVE FINAL BEARING! --I'M LIKE THE DEPRIVED INFANT OF A TEASINGLY CRUEL MOTHER DESPERATELY TRYING TO SECURE A SUCKLE ON AN EVER SO TANTALIZING AND VOLUPTUOUS LACTATING TEAT! --IT TAKES EVERY OUNCE OF MY WILL TO NOT KEY MY MICROPHONE AND TRANSMIT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.. STOP......... "MAMA!" BUT I DIGRESS.



2136 AND 30 SECONDS FATE HAS SMILED ON ME AND I HEAR .... "LINED UP LEFT, WELL BELOW GLIDE SLOPE THREE QUARTERS OF A MILE CALL THE BALL." --I LOOK OUT AT THE BALL THROUGH THE BREAKING WEATHER AND NOTE IT IS AS CRIMSON AS A SETTING SUN; HOVERING EVER SO CONTENTEDLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LENS. --I SAY "666 HORNET BALL", FOR THAT IS ALL THAT COMES TO MIND AND I'M MET WITH THE REPLY.. "ROGER BALL 28 KNOTS AXIAL.... YOU'RE LOW." --WELL NO **** SHERLOCK! YOUR GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS DEFIES COMPREHENSION. --I ADD POWER TO LIFT THAT WILY ORB OFF ITS RED DUFF AND AM REWARDED WITH ITS AMBER ASCENSION TO ITS RIGHTFUL POSITION ON THE GREEN HORIZON OF THE DATUMS. --WITH THAT I BREATH A SIGH OF RELIEF, FORGETTING FOR JUST AN INSTANT THAT THIS IS AFTER ALL, THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V AND THE BATTLE TO SURVIVE A NIGHT APPROACH IS FAR FAR FROM OVER.



2136 AND 40 SECONDS I'M IN THE MIDDLE, AND WELL INTO MY PATENTED STEVIE WONDER IMPESSION TO MATCH THE CHUCKY V DUTCH ROLL, WHEN THE PROVERBIAL ROOSTER'S TAIL OF THE BURBLE TAKES HOLD OF MY CRAFT AND BEGIS TO LIFT IT WELL ABOVE GLIDE SLOPE. I WATCH THE AMBER ORB MATCH MY EXCURSION AND SEE IT RISE TO THE LOFTY HEIGHT OF THREE AND ONE HALF DIAMETERS ABOVE THE DATUMS. I RAP MY THROTTLES AGAINST THE IDLE STOPS. HI TO LOW (HOLD LO NOTE) AND HOPE AGAINST HOPE THAT THAT GOLDEN ORB WILL BEGIN TO DESCEND BY THE TIME I REACH THE RAMP.



2136 AND 45 SECONDS MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED... IN TRIPLICATE AND THAT GOLDEN ORB BEGINS A PLUMMET FROM ITS VAUNTED POSITION WITH A SPEED THAT PROMISES TO HAVE IT AND ME RENDEZVOUS SOMEWHERE IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL.



THE BALL WAS FALLING FASTER THAN THE PROVERBIAL **** OFF A TALL MOOSE. AND BELIEVE YOU ME,ON THIS NIGHT THAT WRETCHED MOOSE HAS EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.



BUT I DIGRESS.



2136 AND 46 SECONDS I SLAM THE THROTTLES INTO AFTERBURNER, LOW TO HIGH (HOLD HI NOTE).



BUT THE BALL WAS FALLING, AND NO AMOUNT OF IGNITED PETROL FORCED INTO THE AFTER SECTION OF MY SCREAMING ENGINES WAS TO STOP ITS RAPID DESCENT.



2136 AND 47 SECONDS AS I WATCH IN ABJECT HORROR, THE ONCE GOLDEN ORB AGAIN TURNS AN ANGRY CRIMSON AND THEN DISAPPEARS ON ITS MAD DASH TO HADES.



IN MY PERIPHERY THE GRIM REAPER BEGINS TAPPING HIS COLD BONY FINGER AGAINST THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY CANOPY.



TAP TAP TAP, TAP TAP TAP. HE IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO GAIN MY ATTENTION AND I JUST AS DESPERATE REFUSE TO GIVE IT.



2136 AND 48 SECONDS FATE SMILES UPON MY WRETCHED SOUL AND, MERCIFULLY, BY THE SCANTIEST OF MARGINS, MY CRAFT CLEARS THE RAMP AND AFTER A 130-FOOT HIGH-SPEED SPARK SPEWING TAXI, MY HOOKPOINT FINDS PURCHASE ON PENNANT NUMBER ONE! ...........



2136 AND 52 SECONDS, AFTER DISENGAGING MY CRAFT FROM THE WIRE, I TAXI FORWARD FOR WHAT SEEMS AN ETERNITY AND TURN RIGHT OUT OF THE LANDING AREA. MY HEART IS STILL RACING AND THE BEADS OF PERSPIRATION DOTTING MY FOREHEAD HAVE BEGUN TO MERGE IN TO RIVULETS OF SWEAT TRICKLING DOWN MY FACE.



2137 AFTER DEARMING MY PULSE BEGINS TO SLOW. I'M ALIVE. I HAVE SURVIVED. THE GRIM REAPER HAS BEEN DENIED THIS NIGHT.



2137 AND 10 SECONDS I AM DIRECTED TO TAXI FORWARD TO PARK MY CHARIOT FOR THE NIGHT. MY MIND IS NUMB.

-- EXHAUSTED FROM THE STRESS OF THE NIGHT'S ORDEAL I TAXI MINDLESSLY TOWARD THE YELLOW LIGHTS WAVING ME TO THE EXTREME FORWARD END OF THE SHIP. --IT IS STILL OH SO DARK AND MY DIRECTOR'S YELLOW WANDS APPEAR TO BE FLOATING IN THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE. --SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WHERE THE STEEL OF THE SHIP COMES TO AN ABRUPT END LEAVING 60 FEET OF NOTHINGNESS TO SEPARATE ME FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF A BRINY GRAVE.



2137 AND 25 SECONDS I HAVE REACHED WHAT I AM CERTAIN IS THE ABSOLUTE FORWARD END OF THE SHIP AND STILL THE YELLOW WANDS COAX ME EVER FORWARD. AGAINST MY SCREAMING INSTINCTS I FOLLOW MY DIRECTOR WHEN I NOTICE HIS WANDS HAVE THE OMINOUS BLACK BANDS OF A LOWLY TRAINEE.



I STRAIN TO FIND HIS TRAINER, DESPERATELY SEEKING SOME SCINTILLA OF REASSURANCE THAT MY VERY LIFE IS NOT SOLELY DEPENDANT ON THE LIMITED SKILL OF AN INEXPERIENCED DIRECTOR WHOSE SINGLE MOST MEMORABLE EVENT OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE THUS FAR IS HIS SENIOR PROM.



2137 AND 28 SECONDS MY FURTIVE SEARCH FOR A TRAINER PROVES FUTILE. I RESOLVE MYSELF TO THE FACT THAT I AM INDEED SOLELY AT THE MERCY OF AN INDIVIDUAL BARLEY BEYOND THE GRASP OF PUBESCENCE. I INCH FORWARD RIDING THE BRAKES OF MY CHARIOT UNTIL MY LEGS BEGIN TO SHAKE.



2137 AND 30 SECONDS THE BLACK BANDED WANDS STILL BECKON ME EVER FORWARD



WHEN FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY CANOPY COMES THAT MOST DREADFUL OF SOUNDS TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP.



-- IT'S THE GRIM REAPER ONCE AGAIN!



--HE HAS RETURNED AND RELUCTANTLY I TURN TO GAZE INTO THE EMPTY EYE SOCKETS OF HIS HOODED SKULL. --THROUGH THE CANOPY I CAN SEE THAT HE IS LAUGHING AND THROUGH HIS LIPLESS TOOTHY GRIN HE MOUTHS THE WORDS,



HEY BUDDY YOU'RE ****ED. TAXI ON FLYBOY.



2137 AND 33 SECONDS THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT I AM ABOUT TO DIE WHEN THANKFULLY THE TRAINEE'S LEFT WAND SNAPS TOWARD THE DECK SIGNALING MY LONG AWAITED HARD RIGHT TURN. --WITH MY LEFT HAND CLUTCHING THE EJECTION HANDLE AND MY RIGHT HAND CRUSHING THE NWS BUTTON INTO WHAT I CALL THE EXTRA SUPER HI GAIN POSITION.



I USE THE TREMBLING QUADRICEPS AND BURNING CALVES OF MY RIGHT LEG TO PUSH THE RIGHT RUDDER TO ITS FULLEST THROW AND ATTEMPT TO PRESS THE RIGHT BRAKE THROUGH THE BULKHEAD.



2137 AND 35 SECONDS AS MY CHARIOT TURNS EVER SO SHARPLY AND SWINGS ME WELL OVER THE FRONT EDGE OF THE SHIP. A BEAD OF SWEAT RACES FROM THE SMALL OF MY BACK DOWN TOWARD THE CRACK OF MY ARSE.



REFLEXIVELY, I CLENCH MY SPHINCTER.



TO STEM THE FLOW OF THE WAYWARD PERSPIRATION AND INADVERTENTLY PINCH MY OH SO TENDER HEMORRHOID. --ALREADY AGGRAVATED FROM MY 3-HOUR FLIGHT, THIS ANNOYING SWOLLEN TISSUE HAS NOW BECOME A PULSATING BLOOD FILLED SACK RESEMBLING A MINIATURE VERSION OF A BOXER'S SPEED BAG.



BUT I DIGRESS.



I STIFLE AN INTENSE URGE TO URINATE ON MYSELF AS MY CHARIOT CLEARS THE TURN AND FINALLY, I TAXI TO MY DESIGNATED PARKING SPOT.



2140 I DISMOUNT MY TRUSTY CRAFT AND SCURRY TO SAFETY BELOW DECKS.



2200 I RETURN TO THE EATERY FOR MIDNIGHT RATIONS AND THERE SATIATE MY RAVENOUS APPETITE BY GORGING ON A GREASY CHOLESTEROL LADEN DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER GARNISHED WITH THREE FRIED EGGS AND A CHOCOLATE COW'S MILK CHASER.



2310 I RETIRE TO THE SANCTITY OF MY PRIMARY DUTY STATION..NAMELY MY RACK WHEREUPON I COMMENCE A SPIRITED ROUND OF CLOWN PUNCHING.



WITH THE STRESS OF THE DAY EFFECTIVELY DISCHARGED, I FALL INTO A MERCIFUL LONG-AWAITED SLUMBER SO DEEP AS TO APPROACH DEATH ITSELF.



THUS ENDS MY DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS VFA-22'S DIARY OF A DAY ON THE ILLUSTRIOUS CHUCKY V.



THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME TONIGHT. MY MUSICAL DIRECTOR HAS BEEN ERIK OTIS ANDERSON, ON GUITRAR ERIC SNAKE VENEMA, REY HADJI MOLINA AND JERRY DUTCH TRITZ ON THE PIPES, PETER PIPER QUINN.



IT HAS BEEN AN UTTER PLEASURE SHARING THIS FINE LITERARY WORK WITH YOU. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I REMAIN J KINGSTON III. GOOD EVENING.