I actually like soccer. Being a very cultured young woman, I can really understand the rest of the world’s infattyation with the sport. I’m not like other Americans—I don’t call it "Sucker" or "Cuntball," I don’t drive out to suburban daycares in my free time only to shout "Foot Faggots!" or "Kraut Kickers!" at five-year-old kids who’re playing, and I actually stay awake until after kickoff when the game is on. You should see me when the American soccer guys score a touchdown on the offside, I go loco-crazy #europeanstyle! My favorite team is Ronaldinho Madrid (that’s in Spain, a country full of light-skinned Mexicans).

The sport, however, is, like most sports, very problematic. It relies heavily on Male-centric, Patriarchal values. Competition, numbers, and logic are all tools often used by the Patriarchy to oppress women and people of color and all of these are, like, pretty important in soccer. Teams who don’t play that well are often discriminated against, don’t win as many games, and are awarded nowhere near as many trophies as teams who play good. This is a dangerous system where performance is valued more than justice, where some teams have a lot more wins than others. This phenomenon, what’s called “The Ball Gap,” is, like, a symptom of a system that makes teams who play bad feel bad and holds them back from winning important Cups. There’s definitely a soccer-ball ceiling in place—maybe it’s made of a giant soccer net, but like up where the ceiling would be—and as a social-justice activist, a soccer-lover, and a mom (I don’t have children but it’s the thought that counts), this worries me, like, deeply.

So far, almost a week into the World Cup in Brazil, not a single Black team has won a game. Not Ghana, not Nigeria (not cussing—actual country—seriously—look it up—really funny), and not Cameroon, all of which are African American teams.

This is obvious racial discrimination. Did we learn nothing from slavery? Did Martin Luther X nail that "95 reasons why black people are equal to normal people" listicle on that church door in Germany for nothing? Did Rosa Bus refuse to move and sit in the back of the park in vain? It sure seems like it. When non-Black teams are allowed to win over Black teams simply because they "score more goals," something is clearly wrong—like, KKK type o’ wrong. I think the refs are to blame for a lot of it, they’re obviously gonna favor the white team cuz its players look the most like themselves.

But it totally gets worse, much worse. I looked at stats or whatever and it turns out a black team has never won the World Cup. Wow. Just. Wow. What does FIFA stand for? Fascists Incinerating Fabulous Africans, or WHAT? It’s high time we do something. I won’t stand for this injustice, I won’t sit for it either, and I certainly won’t be in a wheelchair for it. It’s time we make sure the results look good and equal so that everyone (especially the blacks) feel empowered. It’s time we make sure the teams who win the Finals reflect the diverse group of teams in the Cup.

Iran and Nigeria played 0-0. We can begin by totally giving Nigeria the win. Even the most racist FIFA fascist must be able to agree on this one. Two teams played just as good, it ended up in a tie, so come on, just give the win to the Black guys already, it’s the least we can do—as a big "sorry ’bout slavery." It gets a little harder in games where a white team gets more points, because people (read: white men) seem hell-bent on giving the win to the team that scores the most goals. Sometimes, however, when things don’t turn out equal, we have to make it equal. The cracker teams must pay for the injustices that their ancestors put black soccer players through. FIFA should pay the refs good money to make the right decisions and make sure the right team wins—it’s the only way we’re gonna end racism and elitism.

I have a dream that my future little children will one day watch a World Cup where the teams will not be judged by how many goals they score, but by the color of their skin (if they’re black, they should win all games is what I’m saying).

Do your bit—go to Brazil and heckle the white devils who play good, the Dutch and the Italians, etc.—oh, and share this article with your soccer-loving friends. Nigeria, your team sounds the blackest, I will make sure you guys win the World Cup Gold—even if it’s the last thing I do.