Chapter Text

Rachel watched her life play out on the star screen. She saw the boy chase after her. She saw and felt everything.

The deal she struck with Headon, to betray everyone starting with her nameless friend.

She saw herself steal, cheat, and lie.

She saw herself cry and tremble under the weight of her sins.

She saw the darkness that would encroach on her when she was alone.

And she saw the light of the stars that the past her could only imagine. The light that Arlene had passed onto her, driving her forward. Every beat of her heart. Dreaming of starlight.

She came to see herself do terrible, unforgivable things. Jealousy, envy, scorn overwhelming her. She saw herself hurt and be hurt.

"No..." She muttered to an uncaring and empty void, "That isn't me..."

'But, it is you. You can feel that without even being told. Don't Run away. Look.' A voice responded to her.

"Who! ... Who are you!?"

But the girl received no response, and found no source to the voice no matter where she looked. Rachel was confused. But then her eyes got caught to the screen. The boy had finally caught up to her. She had no more schemes. She had no more plots. She was laid bare. She couldn't outran that boy no matter how hard she tried. And so she watched her pitiful death. She watched herself finally betray that cursed contract with the evil rabbit, and sever her existence utterly from the world. And upon seeing her death occur, her whole body and soul was wracked with a searing light from the star, along with a crushing weight.

In fact the weight brought her quickly down to one knee. But she knew what this pain was, what this weight was. As she clenched her heart, she could no longer pretend that this wasn't her. That the girl in the star was just some made up story. No. Her soul had been rejoined. The weight of the sins rang verily the truth of the matter. She couldn't even cry. Because she could not even truly begin to regret.

"The stars..." through gritted teeth she moaned, like just stating those two words could justify any crime.

But no one was there to absolve her. The girl was alone, with the weight of the world bearing down and burning her.

But the star wasn't done. The story wasn't over. She saw the rest. She saw that boy shut down and focus to an absolute needle thread. He was consumed. A part of her had always known the boy had been like this, but, after her death...that trait of his intensified. The boy grew into a man. And as he grew and strove and struggled, he became more and more lonely. Isolated. Driven. Narrow. Until he became a Thorn piercing his way through everything. His friends couldn't keep up with him. He no longer stopped to eat, subsisting only on shinsoo. He just moved forward. Step by step. Holding the whole Tower on his head.

Until at last, over however much blood, sweat, and tears it took. He arrived. He achieved the impossible. A feat that literally no one and nothing had ever done before. Upon doing so, he took everything, like a boundless black hole. He swallowed the Tower up. And then he gave it all away. For her. For her.

"Why?" She whispered with some anger and frustration to the poor boy.

'Why would he go to rescue such trash like you?'

"Yes... wait. Who are you?" Rachel starting to get annoyed by this voice ringing in her ears.

'You know who I am. The real question is. Do you want to know who that boy is?' Rachel blinked.

"Why would you ask that? Of course I'd like to know. What the hell kind of idiot is he, chasing me around everywhere. I never asked him to do any of that! Any of this! Everything would have been so much better if he'd just left me alone!" Rachel was beyond her breaking point now. The stress was making her breathing short and her temper shorter. But the voice knew this.

'And sometimes he did. I can reveal one thing to you now. His name. The Twenty-Fifth Baam. You know, it's funny. You gave him that name. Without any instruction. Like that was the one thing your soul could hold onto. Just like when he was the Twenty-Fourth Baam. The Twenty-Third Baam. And all the way back until he was the first Night. You always gave him his name'

"Seriously. What the fuck are you talking about? I just saw him die. Somehow, his body, his corpse is right here next to me! Twenty four what nows? Start making some sense you stupid fucking thing!" Rachel's face turned red. But the void went silent for a moment.

'Look.' It said, at last. And the star played. It played her life over again. At first it seemed like the same thing. But instead of her first master at least working to somewhat to keep her alive, the one she had this time was endlessly cruel. He tortured her daily. Took pieces of her body away from her each night. Kept her awake and alive through it all. She never got to even meet Arlene. Her life was so short, short it was over almost in a moment. But when the monster was finally done with her, he tossed her body down into a cave. Where she met Baam. The smile he gave her as her dead eyes looked into his dead eyes broke her heart.

"You're the Fifteenth Baam," Rachel heard herself say. The boy said nothing. Could barely mumble a response. Just came up to her. Sat next to her. And put a hand on her face until her breathing stopped.

Of course in that quick moment watching that Life, Rachel felt everything. The agony. The hopelessness. The despair. Again, her soul was burnt in a baptismal starlight, as he soul was again burdened and filled. Again the weight of her old life crashed down upon her. The last thing she saw on the screen before the picture went out... the boy mouthed something out, something she couldn't quite make out, before he slammed his head into a rock. And then it faded to black.

"What... what is that... what is going on?" The horror and revulsion. The suffering. Who was meant to bear this. Why did she exist for this?

But the voice didn't answer her. The starlight just kept showing. Life after life. Always revolving around her and the boy. Always trying to get to the Tower and clear it. Every time he would get attached to her. And every time, in one way or another, she would leave him. He would go running after her. Most of the time she went out of her way to hurt him. Betray him. Fate and circumstance would always conspire to keep them apart. Sometimes he would catch up to her. Sometimes, he would kill her. Sometimes she would kill him, as he couldn't bring himself to defend himself from her.

One time, they actually understood each other in a life. They ended up hiding in a corner of the outer floor until, at last, eons later, some unfathomable being named Phantanimum came in and killed them. Giving them only his name and the this one line. 'This is not how the story goes. Thus.' And their heads exploded, both of them slaughtered mercilessly. But they were not sad to go. They had had so much time together. And Rachel watching on got to enjoy that bliss all over again.

But every other time, each 23 other times she went through it, they ended up only hurting each other more. And Rachel was faced over and over again with the realization that she was not a good person. All these different hers. All these different opportunities. All these mistakes she'd made, she'd made them all before. She would make them again. This was her. That was the inescapable conclusion she reached after watching herself and the boy live out their lives again and again.

By the final starlight, by the penultimate piece of her soul that rejoined her, she no longer fought the burning sensation pulsing throughout each cell. She no longer felt crushed by the weight of her sins. She could stand freely. The pain was her. The weight was her.

"Was there really every any point to any of this? Any point at all? How utterly meaningless. How disgusting. Was there really never any hope to escape my fate? Was I just some sort of fucking plaything for the universe or something? Did this boy ever have any choice to follow me? Did I ever have any choice but to run away? Was I always irredeemable? Was I born wrong? Who is to blame for this huh? Where is the God who decided this? Did you cast me into Hell? Were you so assured in your righteousness that you could fucking put me onto a loop of hell over and over and over again until I finally crack? Is that what this is! Are you just fucking getting ready to send me back in! Is this some sort of fucking game to you!? Is that all my life is! Some fucking amusement you must feel God, to judge me from on high in some suffering and wickedness you've designed and tracked out just for me! What a great fucking joke! But you know what! I'm done! I'm fucking done with this shit!" Rachel ranted until her eyes squeezed shut, and her nails dug into the palms of her hands.

'There is no suffering that is meaningless. There is no life that doesn't have value. There is nothing that happens without a purpose.'

"Oh, fuck off. I'm really tired of you too. Coming and going as you please. Spewing shit you don't know about. Leave!" Rachel demanded.

'Then, was Arlene meaningless? Was the love you felt for her meaningless? Were her dreams meaningless?'

Rachel paused. Her heart ached. Throbbed. But she was defiant. "Arlene... she... she never got to accomplish her dreams... her whole life... was in vain."

'Rachel. Look up.' The voice commanded.

Rachel slowly relaxed her nails. And then after a minute... she gently crooked her head up towards the night sky, and every so slightly, began to open her eyes.

And as the piercing starlight entered her vision again, it struck her like a bolt of lightning. Like she was truly looking at the stars for the very first time.

'She never died. She died tens of time, yes. Yet. She never truly died. And she did accomplish her dream. Look. Look at the stars right now. That's the sight she wanted to see. And you're the one she entrusted with that dream. Can you really stand there and look at those stars and not feel her spirit with you? Will you blind yourself to hope even now?'

"I-I..." Rachel stuttered, "I don't know what to think anymore... I'm lost by all of this... this is too much for me... spare me..."

'Yes, child. You are lost. Lost in the darkest of Nights, surrounded by all that you have feared. The coat of darkness a pelt of your own making. It is a reflection of your truest self. Yes. You are lost. But even still those stars pierce through. Even still they shine and twinkle so brightly and hopefully that you can not bear to look at anything else. It's time to climb your way out, Rachel. Keep looking.'

Rachel would have kept looking without even being told. The voice was right. Everything it said. The stars were consuming the unease in her heart. Like a flashlight casting darkness out. Eating it wherever it shined.

As she stared in trance, she began to move faster and faster. Or perhaps it was more accurate to say that time and space warped around to her, because she stood perfectly still. Never the less she arrived in front of another star. This star was also playing a life. But not her own.

'You still remain ignorant, defiant, to your actions. You cannot understand the pain you caused because you are overwhelmed with your own pain. You cannot understand why others ran and dreamed because you were consumed by your own running and dreaming. You cannot look at anything else but the stars because you cannot truly see other human beings. You've been like that for quite a while. But you are not alone in this inability. You are human. All humans die alone. All humans live alone. No matter how empathetic one may be, no matter how much time you spend with someone, you cannot walk even a single mile in another's shoes. Even if you could walk a thousand miles it wouldn't be enough. But you cannot read one thought of theirs like it was your own. You can not feel one of their feelings as it was your own. You cannot have one of their dreams. You are divided, separated, by the walls of god, from one another. So you could only live as you could live. You could only hurt as you could hurt. You could only kill as you could kill.'

Rachel kept hearing the voice narrate as she watched the life on the screen.

"What is this?" She asked, it seemed she could only present questions.

'You know what that is. You are in Gods Domain. You are outside the cycle of life, time, and reincarnation. You are witnessing another life in another time. This is the result of your last twenty five lives. This is the world and life your suffering and sacrifice has wrought. Not just yours, of course. Everyone in that Tower of God.'

Rachel gulped nervously.

'This is the first life Androssi has outside the tower. Watch.'

Rachel, despite a large part of herself did. Rachel watched Androssi's birth. Her childhood growing up poor and hungry. She lived in a modern world, but from a very young age lived very determined to become someone. To grow outside of her humble beginnings. She pursued the career of a model. She pursued her dreams. She had many setbacks. She had many sacrifices. She had many loves and heartbreaks. But she could never quite fulfill a gnawing sense of emptiness in her heart. Still, she pushed, and pushed, growing up beautifully. Until, over time, she succeeded. She became a world-famous model on her planet. She was the envy and trendsetter for countless women. The ideal girl in the minds of countless men.

Still. The gnawing feeling in her heart ate at her. Despite accomplishing everything she thought she wanted, despite all the blood, sweat, tears, and starvation, she felt unsatisfied. Rachel watched every step she took. She felt everything Androssi felt. She heard every single thought Androssi thought. She couldn't understand it. And because of this empty feeling, Androssi continued to be the obstinate, bratty, arrogant woman Rachel had always known.

Then, she felt Androssi die. In a car crash, at the young age of 28 years old. The model, Androssi died. But that was not the end of her story. She was mourned throughout the whole world. Billions of souls watched her funeral and grieved at her lost. All of their love and pain. Somehow, Rachel could feel it. It crossed the boundaries of life and death and reached Androssi's soul. Suddenly, the empty feeling inside of Androssi was filled. Like what she had wanted, needed, all along, was to be seen. Heard. Loved. Missed. Finally. It happened for her.

The star screen changed. Rachel changed with it. It showed the many lives of Androssi from there on out. Across a thousand worlds and a thousand lives. She found her peace. She lived happily and freely, as herself. She no longer had to put makeup on to hide her own insecurities. She was successful in each life, always so driven, no matter what career she chose. But in every life, she would start charities and foundations towards children. She found a true joy in making sure that no child went hungry again. And she was good. Good. Rachel could tell. Not like her. Good.

'Now, do you begin to understand?' The voice rumbled softly, caressing the wrinkles of Rachel's brain.

Rachel didn't respond. Her brain had become empty. All she could do was feel. She couldn't begin to process.

But the stars didn't wait for her. They kept showing her all these different lives and people.

In one life, she saw an old Rak, fishing on a dock. He had a straw hat on and a cape. At first he looked lonely. Sitting on the edge, with his feet just striding through the river. Chewing on some wheat. But then, from the path behind him, about a dozen little Rak's came running down after him.

Rak noticed immediately, but gruffed, like he was bothered by it and pretended not to notice. And of course the children ran straight towards him.

"Grandpa! Grandpa!" The kids cried, running around him.

Rak jumped straight up, "Aghhh!!!!! Turtles!!!!!!!! What did I say about bothering me when I'm hunting my prey!" Rak threw his old hands up in the air.

"Ahhhh!" One of the girls exclaimed with a naughty smile on her face, "We've made grandpa mad! Runnnnnn!"

And they all ran off to the fields behind the road, where Rak chased them with a scary face on for a few hundred yards, before, with a snap, his back seized up, and he collapsed onto his back.

"Look!" One of the kids said, turning around, "We've defeated him! Down goes grandpa!"

And immediately they turned and jumped all over their fallen grandpa. "Grr, I'm not defeated, I'm just-- just taking a break, that's right! You better be careful now, once I've caught my breath I'm going to get all of you!" He snarled, but he could no longer contain his smile.

Rachel felt his boundless love and contentment, even as the noisy kids laughed and continued to jump all over him... she could smell the scent of the flowers and hear their shared joy, clear as day. And she could see and feel Rak look up into the sun, surrounded by his playing grandchildren, missing someone he couldn't remember.

In another life she saw Khun running a family business with his parents. Of course he helped make it wildly successful. He and his family enacted many plots and strategies to become the most dominant technological company on the planet. But they were always able to trust and understand each other. They were happy.

Khun ended up falling in love with a woman named Maria. She was a very honest and earnest worker for his company. When he asked her out very awkwardly, demanding that she be his, she only chuckled and laughed at him. Right as Khun began to vociferously defend his pride and manhood, claiming it was 'no big deal anyways', Maria quickly shut him down.

"Took you long enough," She grinned. And the rest was history. They were inseparable from then on out. Even Rachel couldn't help but laugh and enjoy their life together. As no matter how Khun would try to scheme or plot. However he would try and hide his emotions, act very logical, and important... Maria would always flush him out. He could never lie to her, and she could always read him like a book. They were cute together. And they were cute together over many, many, lives.

'Truly Soulmates,' Rachel thought with a wry grin. 'It reminds me of the time me and Baam spent together.'

Somehow, the grudges and battles they had fought against each other, didn't really matter any more. They were both human after all. She could now understand him better than she could understand herself. The old hatred was washed away, so quickly and completely, that the shore it left made it seem as if it was never there at all.

In another life, she saw Xia Xia living on a planet of bunnies. The planet they lived on was extremely lush, fertile, and green. No one there ever starved. It was a very open and loving planet and community. They spent all their lives, running and smiling freely under the sun. Peace reigned always. Although the loved to play tricks on each other, there was no king or system to abuse them. It was one of Rachel's favorite lives to see.

In another life, she saw Roen and Daniel living together. They worked in a police unit with Aka Williams, Sachi, and Boro. They dedicated their lives to protecting the weak and innocent. They grew old together, retired together, and even died all within a week of each other. They all ended up sharing the same crypt, and the families they left behind would visit for many, many centuries to come. Always leaving flowers and giving thanks to the tireless work and sacrifice they had come to represent.

In another life, Hwaryun came to live as a professor for college students. She finally had been able to live without seeing the vestiges of Tower's past. It freed her. She could feel emotions as her own. She could think her own thoughts. She was no longer pushed and pulled by Fate outside of her control.

Still, she naturally came to enjoy teaching, guiding, others. Pursuing knowledge and looking forward to the future. Just this time, with human eyes. Every night she prayed to a nameless God she could no longer remember.

In another life, she saw Yuri live as the greatest female or male martial artist in history. Rachel felt her courage and found some of her own from it.

In another life, she saw Yura Ha live with her parents and siblings, and become a great pop star. Rachel was finally able to feel sincere joy at another's found happiness.

In another life, Ron Mei and Yaragarv fell in love, cutely, as school children. They were no longer raised to kill or die on command. They lived for themselves and each other.

In another life, Ha Jinsung lived an exciting life as a gambler, before finally finding the woman of his dreams. She saved him from getting in some trouble with some of the wrong people, and their wedding ended up being quite huge from all the lives they ended up touching. Both families showed up ecstatic that their children had found a good partner together.

In another life, Wangnan lived a normal life with lots of friends. He ended up becoming a president of a major country and advocated for justice and equality for all. The lives he touched and values he fought for resounded for many years to come.

In another life, Yihwa lived a life as a chef. She was incredibly talented and found joy in making others full and happy on a meal. Her special talent was that she could find your destined meal after meeting you just once, and would only serve you that meal one time. She was quite popular and beloved.

In another life, Michael grew up as a normal doctor. He saved lives instead of taking them, no longer growing up under the shadow and corruptive abuse of FuG.

In another life, Anak lived in a small village by a riverside. She was a rebellious and temperamental child, and a real terror as a teenager. Her mother was the daughter of the chief, and her father was the con artist who stole her mothers heart. Their house was always noisy and full of fighting. But above all else, they always had meals together and they always made up. No one ever went to bed angry. And they lived long, happy, boisterous lives.

In another life, Zahard and the Ten Families banded together and defended the new universe from the cosmic threats and axis that had always threatened humans before. They went on countless journeys together amongst the stars. This time however, they didn't stop. They stayed together and kept going, until even her star couldn't reach them. It was truly thanks to there efforts that all these lives could live safely at all.

For a long time Rachel had begun to cry. Was it out of happiness? Pain? Fear? Shame? Sorrow? All of the above? There were no real words for the spectrum of emotions she felt. But still she cried with the biggest smile on her face, laughing at this and that antic as she watched. All these people she knew. All these people she hated. A few she liked. A few she loved. She lived with them all. A thousand lives. She saw them all.

The star screen went blank.

'So.' The voice said. 'Do you have anything to say?'

Rachel was still dazed. Her soul was no longer burning. She no longer felt heavy, but light. Yet there was still a darkness in the pit of her stomach. An itch she just couldn't scratch.

'Do you still think Arlene died for nothing?'

"No..." Rachel admitted, swallowing her pride.

"Do you still think you suffered for nothing? Do you still think there is ever a life that is meaningless? Do you still hold to the lie that you were trash? That your destiny and fate were good enough excuses for how you behaved?'

"No. You're right. I understand now. All these lives... They are so precious. They are even more beautiful than all these stars." Rachel said.

'And you understand now, right? What you were really running for? It wasn't these stars, was it? Was that really your dream?'

"You're... right. I'm sorry, Arlene but... for everything you gave me, for everything your dream meant to me, and for as much as it gave me... that wasn't what really drove me. It wasn't even the jealousy. The envy... these were all just byproducts. I simply. I simply wanted to be special. Important. I wanted to be the heroine of the story." Rachel at last, reached the Truth.

'So,' Rachel's voice said to her again, 'Is there anything you'd like to say?'

Rachel looked at the stars with all the thousand lives. She gathered all her breath and courage.

"I'm truly, truly, sorry. Everyone. For what I did to you. No matter my reasoning. No matter what I felt. I hurt so many people, so many times. For my own selfishness. And I regret it. I sincerely regret it all. Forgive me." Rachel held her hands tight to her dress. And as the stars twinkled, she honestly expected no response. Nor did she felt she deserve a response. Deserve forgiveness. Nevertheless, she felt it was more important than anything to say it. That that was her first step forward. To truly changing. To being better. Good. Happy. All the things she had seen all these people do. To even have a chance at that. She needed to say how she truly felt. With all her heart.

"Even if no one else forgives you, I do." A man's voice startled her out of her thoughts, her face heating at the embarrassment of her confession being heard. Slowly, she turned around.

"Baam," She said.

"Rachel. I know everything. And I forgive you." He repeated firmly as she was caught up in his eyes.

"I forgive you."

At this she finally choked up, sobbed, for what felt like the millionth time, and collapsed into his arms.

And he caught her. Tightly holding her body to him. They had finally stopped their marathon, and found each other at last.