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The Cuck Olympics, fans send snacks, the disgusting state of men’s bathrooms, the disgusting-er state of women’s bathrooms, Lifetime gets something right, new lighting equipment, sexual harassment in the workplace and how to get away with it, big boobs and their magical powers, and Sean agrees to read an erotic story; all this and more on this episode of THE DICK SHOW!

A moment of silence for the gun emoji as Apple vows to remove it in the next iOS release thereby ending all violence forever. If anything is going to discourage children from a lifelong attraction to guns, it’s giving them a friendly, neon-green toy version that looks like a piece of candy, is the symbol of fun and merriment, and gives young children their only taste of power against adults vis a vis shooting pee marks on their pants. Apple, you nailed it.

The gun emoji was the only emoji I ever used that I always meant. It was only 16-pixels, but it was 11 seasons worth of Al Bundy GIFs in one miserable frame. It will be missed.

I talk about loofahs and how they’re disgusting, fluffy petri dishes of disease and infection. If I wanted to pretend to be homeless and wash myself in the bathroom of a truck stop with a merkin I found in the trash, then I would just do it because it doesn’t sound that hard. If you’re living with a loofahr, please ask them how the hell you clean your ass with that thing. Is it like the three seashells in Demolition Man?

In our next event, the Olympics are here! Get ready to behave with respect and dignity for some reason even though the entire shebang is a political pissing contest. I think the Olympics should have higher stakes. Why don’t we put our collective monuments where our mouths are and stack those gold medals up to see who has the biggest ideological dick?! We’ll put our Alaska against your Ukraine, Russia. We’ll put our Washington DC against your Mecca, #TeamRefugee. We’ll put our Los Angeles against your Pyongyang, North Korea–and the rest of the world will be rooting for you for once! If the Olympics aren’t your thing, the Dick Show also presents The Cuck Olympics.

The hunt for a babe to read the news begins with the help of Lenora Claire who joins me this week. This “real life Jessica Rabbit” is the curator of the largest collection of Golden Girls pornography I’ve ever seen; she shares a stalker with Ivanka Trump, she was once named an LA Times Persons of the Year, she has trained a monkey. She is the most interesting man in the world, but she’s also…a woman!.

Lenora talks about her initiatives to change stalking laws in our lifetimes. I’m not sure stalking will still be a problem moving forward now that Apple has put an end to violence by removing the gun emoji from our fingertips, but Lenora disagrees. One thing is certain. The lack of sensible stalking laws make Lifetime movies possible. Lenora also talks her nefarious plan to bait the otherwise mild-mannered Donald Trump into a Twitter firestorm on an upcoming television appearance. Will she succeed?

Philipp Brodka sends in a flawless transcription of Episode 2. Dustin Siniawa brings in some questions from Dickheads on Facebook and Reddit. The Dickchat Gang on IRC attempts to trigger me with PTSD flashbacks by sending in a box of snacks. Dominick Peluso (who might be Sean’s more attractive cousin) grabs hold of a ball sack-free domain with dick.show. I’ve got a new lighting setup for Dick Supporters on Patreon. And we’ve got shitloads of the sickest fan art on the internet.

See you next Tuesday!

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