UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.”

The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins, Nerve Gas in Syria, Russian Mercenaries, the ‘totally in control’ Iranian Nuclear program, Premature Suicide detonations, Sinai Camel Pirates, Sunni Hashaashins, Gazan Tunnel Jockeys, Hezbollah Model Katyusha enthusiasts, and other forms of terrorism, freedom fighting, and Colonial Zionism.

“Based on the success of gun-free zones in America, we believe this is the right course of action. We’re confident that those who choose violence will respect the will of the United Nations and resort to peaceful means of settling disputes. Given how nobody will need guns to protect themselves, they can just call their local police departments.

Remember, in the Middle East people don’t kill people, guns kill people. Oh, and suicide bombers. Suicide bombers kill people a lot.”