Three cheers for President Donald (the First)! Three cheers for the commander-in-chief and his military extravaganza!

Who are all these liberal weenies complaining that our president wants to park tanks at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial for his Fourth of July spectacular? Why are they so against freedom? Why do they hate America?

Thank heaven Kellyanne Conway was on hand to tell the media that July 4 was America’s Independence Day. I bet those “libs” didn’t know.

But, I have to tell you, I’m pretty disgusted that they can’t roll these Abrams babies through Washington, D.C., in a massive parade. Turns out our government roads and buildings are so bad they can’t take the strain.

Think about that: Apparently our “enemies” have stronger roads and buildings than we do. What is this place, a Third World “hellhole”?

When all these elitists complain about our president’s military “parade” it tells me one thing: They can’t be paying much in taxes. (They’ve probably got all their money in shelters offshore!)

I want to see these military beauties because I paid for them.

And how! Uncle Sam will spend another $686 billion of your and my tax dollars this year on our so-called defense budget (plus another $200 billion on the Department of Veterans Affairs, part of the cost of previous military spending).

That’s a lot of our dough. No wonder defense stocks have been booming. The FactSet Aerospace and Defense index is up around 80% since President Trump got elected. That’s nearly twice the gains on the S&P 500 index SPX, +0.50% . Booyah!

That’s our money.

We should get something for it. A parade seems the least they can do.

Take a look through U.S. government documents on military spending to find out why, exactly, our tax bills are so big every year.

Did you know it costs $50 million just to overhaul a nuclear submarine?

Or that the Army — not the Air Force, the Army — has 4,300 helicopters, and they cost up to $30 million each?

Or that the Navy is building up a new fleet of 355 ships. No, I’m not kidding. It’s going to cost us $100 billion a year… for 30 years.

Imagine what we could do with an armada of 355 ships. Wouldn’t that be great?

I want all these toys we’ve paid for on display.

Why are we having a flyover only of airplanes? Where are the drones? We’re using them now to kill people — even U.S. citizens — at the flick of a button. Wouldn’t it be awesome to see them zap stuff along the Mall?

Did you know the Pentagon has spent a ton of our money developing a “pain ray”? It’s straight out of science fiction. They can direct it at a crowd and it heats up people’s skin and makes them run away.

Number crunchers at Brown University worked out we’ve spent $5.9 trillion in the last 20 years on the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

I used the White House budget tables to run longer-term numbers. In 2019 dollars, we have spent $36 trillion on defense since World War II. That’s not even counting the cost of the money in time and interest. Just the cash.

What did we get for it? A tie in Korea. Vietnam. Iraq. Boy, they went great.

Sure, there was Grenada. But $36 trillion?

Oh, yeah, there was the long Cold War against the Soviets. Yes, that ended well. Russia is now a dictatorship being run by a former KGB colonel, whose agents hacked the 2016 U.S. election and may even have installed his guy in the White House.

Wow. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

I’m paying for all these toys and want to see them parade. Sue me.

Look at any map, and you can see that this has got nothing to do with “defense” anyway. We have giant oceans on two sides, Canada on the north, and Mexico to the south.

The only border trouble we have is with Mexico, and all these Abrams tanks and giant ships are useless down there.

All it needs is fencing, and some basic accommodation and amenities — the things every motel operator in America knows how to provide.

Our $700 billion defense budget can’t handle that. But, hey, look at the pain ray!

As it’s July 4, maybe it’s also time for a quick reminder: The Founding Fathers didn’t want a professional, “mercenary” military. They wanted citizens serving part-time. What they called a “regulated militia” was pretty much identical to the modern National Guard.

Thanks to the Second Amendment, and its broad interpretation, we have millions of ordinary citizens who are armed to the teeth. The entire defense budget could consist of drafting them, as the Founding Fathers intended. I’m sure all those National Rifle Association members and Soldier of Fortune subscribers are already ready to serve.

Meanwhile, if I’m paying for all this stuff, the least I can get is a parade.