

Hey, hunty. Do you know what’s just around the corner? Besides your visit to the free clinic for a salve (you really need to get that rash cleared up). That’s right, RuPaul’s Drag Race is coming back for its 5th season, and that certainly gives us something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Because, rly Ru, we love you, but All Stars has been terrible. Hit the jump so we can meet the queens & make snap judgments and baseless predictions!

First up we have Alaska Thunderfuck, who you may already know is boyfran to season 4 winner Sharon Needles. Alaska looks well put together and is pretty funny (love that Melissa Manchester performance). You know how couples kind of talk and act alike? We sense something of Sharon when watching Alaska. Do you? Anyway, we get a generally good impression from her, and we’re looking forward to seeing how she does in the competition. Snap judgment score: 3 out of 5.

Next up is Alyssa Edwards. She’s from Texas and doesn’t know how to sew, but she calls herself “the queen of the hot glue gun.” Expect her sewing deficiency to become a problem very quickly, just as it has for past contestants (who didn’t stay in the competition for very long). Her Cleopatra look is at least as good as Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, right? Maybe. Though we feel mostly positive about this queen, we’re not really excited about her based on this intro video. Snap judgment score: 2 out of 5.

This queen here is Coco Montrese. She’s from Las Vegas, and she calls herself exotic and eccentric. Her look is well put together, though her makeup looks a little uneven, like it’s not very well blended around the eyes. Is that just the lighting? Hm. Anyway, this bitch is funny — we really like her sense of humor. “I can give you ET all day long.” Also we loved her “Oh no, mama, it’s a compliment,” line and really hope she uses it in the workroom. We’re excited to see how she competes. Snap judgment score: 3 out of 5.

Meet Detox. You might remember her from Willem’s “Chow Down (at Chick-fil-A)” video. “Just like a clinic I’m open 24/7, feel free to check in.” Aw thanks, but I already booked a room at the Bates Motel. Detox calls herself very high fashion and editorial, but we’re not getting that at all from this video so maybe she’ll, uh, show that to us later. Her makeup looks like it was applied with a leaf blower. She says she used to do a more androgynous drag but is now fishier. That’s too bad because androgynous would have been much more interesting than whatever it is she’s trying to serve us now. Snap judgment score: 2 out of 5.

Up next we have Honey Mahogany, who is the first San Francisco queen to be on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Her name comes from two different Revlon foundations she used to wear, and she says the 60s and 70s are two influential decades for her. She works fulltime as a social worker during the day and does drag at night. She looks good, and she’s killing us softly with her fresh, open demeanor. It’s no surprise she cites Latrice Royale as a past Drag Race favorite. We’re interested to see what she can do in the challenges and on the main stage. Snap judgment score: 3 out of 5.

This queen here is Lineysha Sparx, and she is representing Puerto Rico. We’re digging her tribal getup and appreciate that she creates her own costumes because that skill always comes in handy on this show. But gworl, what is with those nails? Just no. It’s refreshing to hear a queen say that she’s not necessarily trying to be fishiest queen in the sea. We’re looking forward to seeing what she can do in the competition. Could she be the first Puerto Rican drag superstar? We’ll see! Snap judgment score: 3 out of 5.

Meet Penny Tration. Finally, someone with a campy drag name. We like her sense of humor, but her makeup is kind of a mess so we hope she’s more pulled together when it comes to the competition. She says she’ll be the fat, nice, funny one on on the show. “Underneath all this is an angry Jew!” Gworl. You are slaying us. Please bring your A game with the makeup during the competition because right now we like you. Snap judgment score: 3 out of 5.

This bitch here is Ivy Winters. We like her goddess getup, and her hair and makeup are good. From the sound of it, she has something of a pageant background, and she says she likes to take everyday objects and make them into garments. All in all, it sounds like she may have some good skills, and she’s extremely likable. We love that her favorite song to perform is an Ella Fitzgerald tune, and we can’t wait to see what she can do in the competition. Snap judgment score: 4 out of 5.

Next up we have Jade Jolie. We love that she’s not ashamed to fly her geek flag and admit she got her first name from a Mortal Kombat character, but we hate that she got her surname, predictably, from Angelina Jolie. That sort of sums up our feelings about Ms. Jolie: there’s an attraction and repulsion, but we’ll have to see how she performs in the competition to get a better feel for her. Snap judgment score: 2 out of 5.

“Get ready, bitches, because it’s monsoon season.” Jinkx Monsoon that is. This Pacific Northwest queen has Broadway aspirations, and unlike so many queens who compete in this show, her drag persona seems to actually be a character. It’s no shock when she says that Sharon Needles inspired her to try out for Drag Race. She seems to be bringing some real performance to the art of drag, whereas for so many queens it seems like such a narcissistic endeavor. We can’t wait to see how she competes. Snap judgment score: 5 out of 5.

This queen here is Roxxxy Andrews. She seems vapid and unmemorable. The fact that one of her big inspirations from previous Drag Race seasons is Carmen Carrera does not help endear her to us at all. Maybe she’ll turn it out in the competition, but right now we’re not thinking so. Snap judgment score: 1 out of 5.

Meet Monica Beverly Hillz. We’re not really impressed with what she’s bringing to the table. She’s a fan of Carmen Carrera and Tyra Sanchez. There’s nothing about her that seems particularly memorable or that stands out in a way that makes us excited to see more. Next! Snap judgment score: 1 out of 5.

This queen here is Serena Chacha. She’s from Tallahassee, and we like her look. Her makeup and hair are on point, and her goddess getup looks great. We also love that she cites surrealist art as an inspiration for her drag. We don’t necessarily get a great sense of her personality in this video, but we think she has some skills to be reckoned with so we’re looking forward to seeing how she competes. Snap judgment score: 4 out of 5.

Finally, we have Vivienne Pinay. She’s well put together, but we don’t get much of a sense of a drag persona. It’s pretty funny that she did drag for the first time at Nowhere in NYC. She’s right that it’s definitely a place at odds with her fishy style of drag. Anyway, we’ll see how she does, but she doesn’t really excite us. Snap judgment score: 2 out of 5.

Okay, time for some baseless predictions!

Our prediction for most likely to be eliminated first: Alyssa Edwards or Vivienne Pinay.

Our prediction for top three: Jinkx Monsoon, Ivy Winters, Alaska. (possible alternate: Serena Chacha)

Our prediction for fan favorite: Honey Mahogany

Okay, Crassholes. What are your snap judgment scores for these queens? Sound off in the comments, and give us your baseless predictions too. Also, what do you make of the goddess theme? It probably means about as much as the sci-fi/post-apocalyptic theme from last season? Yeah.