We at Americans For Purity hope that you never have to deal with the tragic heartbreak of a child who Masturbates. But the sad fact is, Masturbation is rampant among today's youth. The first step towards dealing with a problem is to recognize that the problem exists. Here are some of the most common warning signs that your child may be Masturbating.



1. Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't Masturbate have acne.

2. Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation.

3. Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating!

4. Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation.

5. Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check!

6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.

7. Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either.

8. Does your child look guilty or deny Masturbating? Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating!

9. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating.

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Preventing and Treating Teen Masturbation



If your child Masturbates, there are steps you can take to stop the problem. If your child doesn't Masturbate, there are things you can do to prevent it.

1. Remove your child's bedroom door. Privacy is one of the leading causes of Masturbation.

2. Monitor your family's use of the restroom. Not only will this prevent Masturbation, it will prepare your teens for today's workplace, where corporations are stepping up their surveillance of employees' bathroom usage.

3. Kill your television. There is absolutely nothing of value on television. Everyone should be reading their Bibles or working, not watching filth like Baywatch or Star Trek.

4. Control your child's reading material. Screen everything your child brings into the house. Do not allow anything even remotely stimulating. Get up early in the morning and go through the newspaper cutting out all of the pictures in the Underwear ads. Burn them before your teenager wakes up.

5. Be sensible about the music your child listens to. There is hardly any music in existence that is really suitable, because anything with a "Rock," "Country" or "Gospel" beat to it (even if it is labeled "Christian!") is designed to incite sexual desire and summon demons from the Pit of Hell straight into your nice little Suburban home! (We have documentation on file for those of you who don't believe this.) Practically all music CDs, tapes or MP3 files in your child's possession must be destroyed, especially if they are by pornographic "Rap" artists such as Garth Brooks, Britney Spears or 'NSync. If you collaborate with your fellow Church-goers on this, the event can turn into a huge, festive Bonfire and prayer meeting!

6. Use corporal punishment. Spare the rod and spoil the child! Although outlawed by Socialists in many places, a good, sound thrashing has always been the best cure for the unruly child.

7. Buy and use commercially available Anti-Masturbation devices. You can get one for your Boys by clicking here. President Bush has made it one of the goals of his Faith-Based Initiative to fund private Christian companies to develop an effective anti-Masturbation device for Girls.

8. Understand your child's language. There are dozens of slang terms for Masturbation in use by today's teenagers. You should be familiar with them. Click here for a list. There are many other lists available on the Web. Don't use these slang terms around your children! If you must refer to Masturbation, use the term "Self-Abuse."

9. Scientifically test your children for signs of Masturbation. The same Liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a Missile Shield scoffed until they were bleeding when I revealed that Scientists were hard at work on an aerosol spray that would reveal signs of Masturbation in your children, but it's here! CheckMate scientifically detects a protein Enzyme produced by the male Prostate Gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, etc. It apparently won't detect Masturbation in girls (my Scientific consultants assure me that females have no prostate glands, although the Bible suggests otherwise), but will uncover sexual activity in your daughters by detecting traces of semen in Panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your sons' urine for signs of the Sin of Onan. The slightest decline in a boy's Urinary Spermatozoa Count should be met with instant and total humiliation (and hospitalization if possible).

10. Make your daughters grow their fingernails as long as possible. Many Christian parents will measure their daughters' fingernails every week and pay them an allowance based on the combined length. The reason for this is that long fingernails interfere not only with female masturbation, but with Lesbian sexual activity. They will also facilitate the "sniff test" for those of you who use it to monitor your daughter's sexual activities.

11. Put boxing gloves on your children's hands at bedtime. Boxing gloves are pretty hard to take off without someone's help. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't touching themselves in an impure way



Myth: Masturbation is harmless.

Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.



Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.

Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!



Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.

Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.



Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."

Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.



Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.

Reality: Oral and **** sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.





very funny.