BE A MANLY CENTAUR

By Meathands

How much do you like being a MAN? A MANLY MAN? If the answer is "A lot" or "Yes", play Centaur. There is but one thing required to play Centaur effectively. Enormous, massive, titanium-clad testicles. The sheer weight of your cojones will crush your enemies, you will drive them before you, and you will hear the lamentations of their women. It truly is what is best in life.



What you do in lane: Get Stomp level 1, tangoes, salves, ring of protection, then max double edge. Return is for small children that fear being attacked. At level 2, you have to ask yourself a question. "Am I truly a man? Am I willing to do what it takes to get the job done? Does my scrotum's mass challenge that of a mountain? Of the moon? Is there an agility or intelligence hero opposite me in lane?"



If the answer to any two of these is "Yes," congratulations. You have now won the lane. War-run up to one of these agility or intelligence heroes and introduce them to the bottom of your meteoric steel-shod hooves. Do not fear for your life, for they are but small woodland animals, and you are a man. You now know what you must do. With as much conviction you can muster, press the W key and click on your unfortunate victim.



Only-case scenario: You immediately drive your opponents off the lane and probably get a kill.



Better-than-only-case scenario: You immediately drive your opponents off the lane and get a kill.



With your newfound gold and experience lead, get boots(to amplify your stomping power.) But "What now?" you ask. I refer you to the one thing needed to play Centaur. The biggest balls in the universe. Scared of not having enough health? You have already failed. Inject yourself with that adrenaline-salve, metabolize it into rocket fuel, and ignite yourself on top of your enemies. If those lesser creatures dare place their unworthy appendages of locomotion on your stomping grounds(encompassing roughly the area from your tower to their tower), grind them into dust with your diamond-coated balls.



Caught out? Going to die anyway? Good on you for taking the fight to them. Face death with a grin and show your opponents the true meaning of strength.



Skills:



Max Double Edge. 400 Magic Damage at level 7 is almost as huge as your balls. Use it with extreme prejudice. Stomp is secondary. If your small-testicled opponents choose to poke and prod at you from range, a single point in Return will show them just how serious you are.



Ult at 6. Use it immediately to provide a surprise reunion between face and ground.



Only now that Double Edge and Stomp are full-boner are you allowed to skill Return. The stronger you get, the more your weak rivals are struck down by your sheer testicular fortitude.



Let's talk about your ball-crushing equipment. Your most important asset in this endeavor is Tranquil Boots. They provide you with regular injections of adrenaline and testosterone so you can continue to man out of control. Are you too slow? Press R.



If you want even more rocket fuel, get Hood. You use less and produce more of your own. You're a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ eco-friendly murder machine.



Heart is your Holy Grail. The item should be named Heart of Centaur Warrunner. When(not if) you buy your Heart, congratulations. The game has now been won. Continue reuniting faces with the rocky ground with impunity. You cannot be stopped.



Blink Dagger will allow you to teleport your massive balls directly on to the weak faces of your enemy. It is always a good idea, but is not strictly necessary if you have asserted your testicular dominance early enough.



Want to help your team? Hood -> Pipe -> Heart -> Victory



Want to go down in a blaze of glory? Blademail -> Hood -> Heart -> Victory



Want to be a REAL man? Armlet -> Heart -> Valhalla (You think I'm joking, but true men never smile.)



If you have the testicular girth necessary, Armlet toggle Double Edge spam will elevate you and your balls beyond this plane of mere mortals. Remember, your balls are the balls that will crush the heavens.



Situational Manliness:



Do your opponents prefer to throw sand in your eyes than match might against might? BKB.



Do your foes prefer the meekness of retreat? Shiva's.



Do you think you're a carry? Satanic.



Vanguard is for small children who fear their opponents' attacks.





Now you have the tools you need. Get out there and carve a hoofprint in the universe.