Breaking Bad Season 6

By Matt Basler





1.

A battalion of cops arrived on the scene. It was the scene where Walter White, a big time criminal drug maker, was dead. Or was he? No, he wasn’t.

A young cop looked at what he thought was a dead body and said, “Yuck, a dead body.”

“You’ll get used to it rookie,” said a different, older cop.

The rookie started to puke but then didn’t and instead said, “Hey wait, is he still breathing?”

Just then, Walter White pulled a clear thing that looked like meth out of his pocket… but it wasn’t meth! It was that one thing he used back in season one to make a big explosion!

Walter threw it at the ground and made a big explosion. The cops were rubbing their eyes and cussing about how they’d been had by the great Walter White once again. Then, out of nowhere, a car pulled up. It was Jesse.

“Hey Mr. White. What do you say we let bygones be bygones… and cook.”

Walter smirked, “You just read my mind.”

2.

“Wow Mr. White, together again! I can’t believe it,” Jesse said smiling and looking very happy.

Walter leaned back in his seat, “You know Jesse, I think we have a little something called… chemistry.”

“Science, Bitch!” Jesse said as he threw on a cool pair of shades. “But Mr. White, what do we do now? There are cops everywhere looking for you!”

“They won’t be looking for me… if they think I’m dead.”

Jesse was very confused. He wrinkled his brow and tilted his head to the side like a pathetic dog. “Uh… Mr. White, they are going to notice that there’s no body.”

“Jesse my boy, there IS a body.”

3.

Back at the crime scene, the cops were finally regaining their senses. They felt dumb. They were looking all over with their guns drawn. Then, they looked at where the body was, or should I say, IS.

The rookie cop said, “gross, that dead body is still there.”

“When are you gonna learn,” said that older cop from earlier, shaking his head.

The old timer cop walked over to what he thought was Walter White and kneeled down.

“Hey, this looks awful funny.” He pulled on ‘Walter’s head and a bald cap came off. Underneath was lots of hair. Skyler’s hair.

“Holy cow! Walter White was actually Skyler White the whole time!”

The ruse had worked. Walter killed his nagging wife and dressed her as himself. It was perfect. Everyone believed that Skyler had been Walter all along and there were no plot holes. Wow.

3.

Walter had just finished telling Jesse what he had done.

“That’s good Mr. White. I hated her because she halted the progress of the show’s protagonist. I am glad that happened and I think it was justified.”

“Thank you, my boy.” Walter said this in a way that was very fatherly. Walter’s real son was kind of weird but Jesse was cool. He was the son Walter always wanted because he knew how to cook meth. His fake name was Captain Cook. Walter’s real son’s fake name was Flynn and that was dumb.

“So what now?” asked Jesse.

“While I was on the lamb, I heard about a guy. The best cook ev…”

Jesse interrupted, “I thought YOU were the best cook!”

“I am the one who knocks, I am the Heisenberg, but there is one cook even better than me. He may kill us on sight, but if he doesn’t, we stand to make a whole lot of moola.”

“Bitch! BITCH BITCH! This is great!”

4.

Walter and Jesse drove through the night talking about all their adventures. They had a big laugh over the time Jesse thought Walter was going to have him killed during that meeting Hank setup. What a big misunderstanding. Now Hank was dead and that won’t be happening again.

Walter pulled into the parking lot of a bar. It was run down and dumb looking.

“We’re here,” said Walter.

“Mr. White, you’re telling me the greatest cook in the world works HERE?” This place is a dump!”

“Remember in science class when you’d have some baking soda and it looked like just some dumb baking soda?”

“Yeah, sure. Bitch.”

“Well, this bar is the baking soda. And opening the door, is like pouring vinegar on the baking soda.”

“You mean… like a volcano?”

“You’re gosh darn right.”

Walter opened the door to the bar and on the inside it was very nice. This is how the baking soda volcano metaphor makes sense. The bar was full of beautiful women and neat looking stuff. Very expensive stuff. Jesse was afraid to touch anything because he always has dirty hands.

Walter walked up to a guard and tapped him on the shoulder, “Say my name.”

The guard turned around. It was Mike Ehrmantraut. “Well if it isn’t Walter White.”

Jesse lit up like a lightbulb with the dimmer switch all the way up, “Mike! So you really DID go to Belize!”

“Not exactly. Me and Walter here faked my death so I could get all my money to my granddaughter. We had to make it look convincing and couldn’t tell anyone. You understand, right kid?”

“I’m just glad you’re ok!” Jesse gave Mike a big hug.

“Can we see him?” Walter asked.

“He’s a very busy man, Walter. Let me check.” Mike walked off to go check.

Walter and Jesse talked some more while they waited. Jesse forgave Walter for that ricin thing with that kid because he realized Walter knew what he was doing and knew just the right dose to give him. He felt silly for doubting such a great chemist. Walter understood and said he was sorry for letting that one girl choke to death. Jesse said they were probably going to break up anyway so it was no big deal. Then Mike came back.

“He’ll see you now, Walter. NO funny stuff!”

Walter held up his hands and said, “You got me!”

Mike led them down a very nice hallway and into a very nice office. Everything looked expensive. Behind a very nice desk there was a turned around chair and they knew the cook was sitting in it. Flanking the chair were two beautiful women - Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the later seasons of Seinfeld when her hair was straight, and Keira Knightley.

“This is Walter White and Jesse Pinkman, sir.”

“Thanks, Mike.” said the voice from behind the chair.

The chair spun around. It was Matt Basler.

“Hello, Walter. I thought I might be seeing you.”

“You mean, you didn’t think I was dead?” Walter looked stunned that someone could have seen through his brilliant plan.

“Walter, I didn’t get to be the richest man in the world by being dumb.”

“Bitch! BITCH BITCH! Bitch!” said Jesse.

Walter started talking, “Mr. Basler we need your help. We want to work with you and make lots of money and kiss beautiful women just like you.”

Matt Basler laughed. “First of all, I kiss beautiful women because I respect them and don’t treat them like objects. I see them as equals and I am a great guy.

Second of all, I don’t work with people like you. The drugs I make only make people feel good and don’t have any side effects and aren’t addictive. The drugs you make are bad and bad for people.”

Walter got an angry face, “My meth is the MOST pure! It’s blue!”

“But your meth doesn’t have my secret ingredient that makes it not dangerous at all because I would never hurt people with bad drugs.”

This was true. Walt’s meth didn’t have Matt Basler’s secret ingredient that kept it safe and made it where even though he was making drugs he was still a good guy. This made Walter very angry.

“Well… take a look at this meth.” Walter pulled a vial from his pocket. Inside the vial was a clear rock looking thing. He was going to do that exploding fake meth trick again.

In a flash, Matt Basler lept from behind the desk and kicked the vial from Walter’s hand. Then he quickly snatched it out of the air. “I don’t think so, Walt.”

Suddenly, there was a loud sound from outside. Alarms started going off.

“Walter,” Matt Basler said to Walter, “you did make sure you weren’t followed, right?”

Walter started stammering. He was whimpering like a baby because he realized he did not make sure they weren’t followed.

Matt Basler sighed, “Looks like another mess I’m going to have to clean up…”

5.

Matt Basler, Walter, Jesse, and Mike ran outside. Standing in the parking lot was a huge cyborg. It was Gus Fring. Half of his face had been replaced with a terminator looking robot face. He also had a robot body. He was shooting missiles and lasers all over the place.

“I’ll take care of this,” said Mike.

Matt Basler rolled up his sleeves, “No Mike, leave this one to me.”

Matt Basler ran at the robotic Gus Fring. He lept from side to side dodging missiles and lasers. Gus got more and more angry. A large missile appeared from his back. As it launched toward Matt Basler, he hopped on it and tore off a panel.

“Just gotta reroute the guiding mechanism,” Matt Basler said as he moved wires around inside the missile. “There!”

Then, Matt Basler did a backflip off of the missile as it went straight back to Gus Fring. The explosion was immense.

“Think that did it, boss?” said Mike.

It did not do it. When the smoke cleared, Gus stood there, angrier than ever. Matt Basler wasted no time getting back into action. With one very strong punch, he punched Gus and made him explode into a million pieces. It was truly the end of Gus Fring.

6.

“Wow.” Walter said through his tears, “you did what no one else could ever do.”

“Stop Gus Fring?”

“No… humble me.” Walter handed Matt Basler his Heisenberg hat and glasses. “You are the true Heisenberg.”

Just then, Milla Jovovich got out of a lamborghini limo. Everyone’s jaws dropped and they couldn’t believe it.

“Hey, Milla,” Matt Basler said very nonchalantly (it was obvious they knew each other), “what are you doing here?”

“Your wife, Jessica Alba, called me and said she’d like me to come over and…” Milla bit her lip as if to say something very sexy.

“Oh ok.” said Matt Basler.

Walter quit doing bad stuff. Jesse had a good life.

The End