Filed to: laughing at other people's pain

Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.


As always, objects are sorted by orifice , working south:



Ear

DEFLATED BALLOON



BEETLE



“PLACED TOILET PAPER IN EAR SO WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR NEIGHBORS”



CHESS PIECE



PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW



PAPER NAPKINS



HAIRPIN



HAIR BAND



GASOLINE



“CRAYON STUCK IN EAR FOR 2 WEEKS”



END OF SHOELACE



FAKE DIAMOND



PAPER & AN ERASER



BALL FROM EYEBROW RING



DOG’S PAW



Nose

PEBBLE FROM THE FISH TANK



“STUCK A RAISIN UP HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL, BROTHER TRIED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS BUT PATIENT MOVED”



STOVE PELLET



“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

PLASTIC SNAKE



MAGNETS UP EACH NOSTRIL



PLASTIC HEARTS IN EACH NOSTRIL



BABY WIPE



MINI HOCKEY STICKS



EGG DYE TABLET



Throat

RULER



BRANCH



STALE CAKE



“ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”



ASTHMA INHALER



“WAS OPENING A BOTTLE OF SODA W/ HIS TEETH & BOTTLE CAP FLEW DOWN HIS THROAT”



HOOP EARRING



PLASTIC HONEY FILLED STRAW



“PLAYING WITH A BLOW DART GUN, BLEW THE PIN OUT, IT HIT THE WALLFLEW BACK INTO PATIENTS THROAT AND HE SWALLOWED IT”



CANADIAN QUARTER



“INHALED A WASP WHILE JOGGING NOW THROAT SWELLING”



PAINT-STIRRING STICK & PAINT



“HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”



DOG SHAMPOO



GLOW STICKS



“EATING CLUB SANDWICH AND PART OF TOOTHPICK BROKE OFF, HE SWALLOWED IT, SCRATCH IN THROAT, ABLE TO FINISH SANDWICH”






Penis

“CARVED DOWN PIECE OF DOMINO INCISED PENIS INSERTED DOMINO PIECE INTO PENIS NOW WANTS IT REMOVED”



SANDAL BUCKLE



BB



DOLL SHOE



“HAD PEBBLE STUCK IN PENIS WHILE SWIMMING IN A LAKE 3 WEEKS AGO”



PEN CAP



PEN



3 INCH STRAIGHT PIN



“MARBLE IN PENIS, CUT PENIS TRYING TO GET IT OUT”





Vagina

3 PAPER TOWELS



3 GOLF-BALL SIZE BOUNCY BALLS



6 SCREWS



PILL BOTTLE



USB ADAPTER



“SAT ON THE TOP OF A DOLL HOUSE AND THERE WAS A SPIKED ROOF”



KNOTTED ROPE



“WENT SWIMMING, WENT TO REMOVE TAMPON CANT LOCATE IT”



POINTY TOY PIG



“BOYFRIEND STUCK BOTTLE IN VAGINA. THE CAP CAME OFF AND GOT STUCK”



HALF A BAR OF SOAP



SHARPENED PENCIL



“PUT A BOUNCY BALL IN HER VAGINA, IT’S STUCK, WAS MASTURBATING”



“PLACED A BOBBY PIN IN VAGINA -STATES SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHY”



DOLL



SMALL PAINTING KIT



“PART OF A SILICONE DILDO BROKEN OFF”



CIGARETTES AND LIGHTER



SHOE HEEL



PIECES OF PLASTIC CUP, BROKEN CRAYON, PIECE OF PLASTIC, & STRAW



“POSSIBLE RETAINED VAGINAL FOREIGN BODY, USING VIBRATOR WHILE INTOXICATED”



Rectum