Hell is... children in a restaurant

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Durban - You need a licence or permit for just about everything in life, even to own a television. But for all the money-making regulation they pass in this country, somehow it hasn’t occurred to anyone to introduce a system whereby you have to have a “child permit”– a licence that grants couples permission to breed. We desperately need some screening to take place amongst those who seek to procreate, because there sure are some idiot parents out there. I recently visited a restaurant in Durban hoping to enjoy a steak after a stressful day at work, only to find that the place had been overrun by little brats. Normally I am able to block out the sight and sound of an annoying kid in a public place but on this occasion I couldn’t help but be put off my steak by the scene unfolding a few feet away from me. An idiot couple had decided to bring their three unruly children to dinner and sat by as the little critters ran amok in the restaurant, disturbing patrons, screaming, chasing each other, knocking into tables, spilling beverages and causing other general havoc. The worst part is that the parents, while all this was going on, continued with their dinner as if they had no clue who the kids were. It was only after the one brat, who looked about 4, ran into a pillar and burst into tears, that daddy decided to take any action. However, amateur dad’s arrival on the scene and attempts to pacify demon child only made the situation worse. Demon child started crying even louder and began to scream obscenities at his father. At this point the restaurant had come to a standstill. All eyes were now on the abused dad and everyone was secretly hoping he would administer a corrective beating at this point. What he did instead was appease the little Hitler. “Kyle, my boy, you want some ice cream? Daddy get you some ice cream?”

I couldn’t believe what I was watching. So the bowl of ice cream arrives courtesy of a bemused waiter and what does the future Jeffrey Dahmer do? He shoves the bowl into his father’s shirt and yells, “don’t want!” and then the crying starts again.

And where was mommy during all this? Trying to stop the other two children of Satan from plucking fish from the restaurant display tank.

This was a prime example of a couple that had lost all control. I can’t understand parents who take their little brats out to restaurants, places where people go to relax, when they know very well that they cannot control them. It’s an offence deserving of a stiff fine or, better yet, imprisonment. Oh, how I wish I could write laws.

The first time I stepped into a restaurant I was about 11 because my folks were old school and had better sense than to take their kids to places where they could inconvenience other people. The trouble with modern couples is that they want to be parents and they want to be everywhere. You can’t have both. If you have little kids you should be hanging out with them at McDonald’s, not at my favourite fine dining restaurant and not the theatre.

I particularly cannot stand those parents who insist on remaining in the theatre with the screaming, crying kids.

One of the biggest problems with parents of today is that they have not continued the spanking tradition. I don’t care what the new age parenting manuals say, a good beating works. Back in the day, parents used to outsource the beating duties to the schools but, of course, our wise government decided to abolish corporal punishment and that’s when everything went wrong from a discipline point of view. I remember having teachers who used to wipe their asses with the Geneva Convention and that was part of the reason why they had control of their kids. Today the aversion to controlled corrective child beating has led to dire discipline problems at home and at schools.

This is evident in the number of supermarket aisle tantrums I witness on a weekly basis. Today when kids kick and scream in the supermarket aisles parents give in way too early. In my day I was given a warning and then a klap (slap). In fact, supermarket aisle beatings is what kept order in society. It was a norm. When your kid threw a tantrum, other parents waited and watched until you administered a klap. Sometimes when I walk through Pick n Pay and see a kid performing I fantasise about seeing a supermarket aisle beating. “Beat the living daylights out of him, please, I beg of you, just do it,” I sometimes whisper to myself.

I know Childline would have a lot to say about my views on spanking and I do agree that a lot of people wouldn’t necessarily know the limits when it comes to child beating. Hence, corporal punishment is illegal.

However, that doesn’t mean parents should surrender. There are at least three million other ways to sort out your kids’ discipline problems. For a start, stop spoiling them and giving them everything they want when they want it. Many parents create their own mini Frankensteins by using the “I-didn’t-have-much-when-I-was-a-kid-so-I-want-my-kids-to-have-everything” philosophy.

That’s exactly how you create an out-of-control drug addict. Never back down, parents. Use everything within the law to teach your little brats who’s the boss. If they step out of line, give them manual labour to do. If that doesn’t work, ground their asses. And if all else fails, hide the X-box power cable. They will never f*** with you again. - Sunday Tribune