Tom Junod, in Esquire, tells the story of living on top of an Argentine Ant colony. In it, we learn that ant scientists estimate there are 1.6 million ants per person. For what it’s worth, ant colony is in the top 3 of my “List of things I do not want to live on top of”. I urge you not to click this link if you’re the type of person who can see an ant hill on a walk and then spend the next four hours feeling phantom ants on your legs and elbows.

They’re not just passing through, you see, on their way to somewhere else. They’re not in your underwear by accident. They’re nation-building.

I’ve now given myself the heebie-jeebies and will spend the next four hours brushing away every gasp of wind and brush of paper against my skin. Thank you.