My brain is broken. Some people can watch a movie and, when the credits roll, say, "Oh, fine movie, I wonder what else I can do with my life now that the movie is over" (or however humans talk). I, on the other hand, say, "OK, fine movie, but what happened later? What happened to Spider-Man the next day? And the day after that? Hey, after Danny Ocean performed his third giant heist, was it hard for him to go back to a life that was comparatively very mundane? That must have been like Michael Jordan retiring. Was it? Ask Danny Ocean if it was. How does the little girl from E.T. eventually die? What about everyone else in every other movie? How does everyone die? I need closure on everything."

Don't get me wrong. I can understand and appreciate ambiguity in movies. I don't need to know whether or not the top in Inception falls for the same reason I don't need to know the ending to The Lady, or the Tiger: The uncertainty is the answer. There's an art and a beauty to that, and it's fine.

But I'm also a lunatic who lives for pop culture, so whenever a movie ends in a way that isn't intentionally ambiguous for the purpose of making a statement, I want an epilogue. I want to know where all the characters ended up, because I just spent two hours turning those fictional characters into my friends and I want to make sure they're OK. I want every non-Inception movie to end with a Sandlot-style voice-over, where the narrator goes through every character one by one and tells us their life stories.

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I'm saying I won't be able to sleep at night until I know how every character in every movie I've ever loved died.