“I’ll think for myself and live for myself!”

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Sooo, this show has been pretty important to me. The first time I saw it was during that one week when Toonami played nothing but robot shows. I was 14 at the time, I think. Unfortunately, they only showed like two episodes, but it was enough to get me interested immediately. Everything else that week was pretty subpar or generic, but with Eva I could tell that there was more to it. Never before had I seen a show where the main character was deathly afraid to be a hero or to fight the bad guys (who caused explosions in the shape of crosses). Never before had I seen a show where one of the central themes that popped up immediately was family dysfunction. I desperately searched for a way to see the rest of the episodes (before the age of online streaming and after the VHS collections that made their way around), and I eventually found them. I devoured the rest of the series, watching every episode as soon as it became available.

I think, looking back, what drew me in most of all was my feeling of similarity with Shinji (the main character), and, to a lesser degree, Asuka. Their very pronounced social anxieties were immediately relatable for me, even if my own experiences and reactions were more like Shinji’s. I was at a point in my life where I believed that people just naturally didn’t like me, and so they must be right. I must be a horrible person. Mix in my own religious doubts that I hadn’t worked out and my family issues that still haunt me in one form or another, and I was watching a near-autobiography about pushing up against something I had no idea how to comprehend, let alone fight. I was overwhelmed and scared of life. It was during that time I used drawing and video games to give some anchor to my life. Something I knew I enjoyed and was good at (although I realize I’m not a great artist now). School was almost a non-issue for me, so I escaped into a world I enjoyed as soon as I came home every day, trying to forget about the reality that I couldn’t come to terms with. The funny thing is I don’t think I even realized all this while it was going on. I just felt like I related to Evangelion, and I really enjoyed it.

So fast-forward to the last few episodes of the show. A lot of really heavy stuff has happened, and characters’ entire worlds are crumbling around them. Then the event the show calls Human Instrumentality happens in the last two episodes, but also being covered differently in a movie called End of Evangelion. The message of the whole show, in the end (which I recommend you watch), is that humanity can go on and people can face reality together if they’re willing to work at it. Which, as it works out, is a central religious belief of mine. Life isn’t about the circumstances you’re dropped into, but how you react to and work with those circumstances. Now that I’m older and more able to understand more of the ideas presented in Evangelion, I’m glad I saw the show way back when, because it allowed me to see that other people were probably going through the same thing as I was, and I think that was a factor in my maturing and trying to get over my fears and preconceived notion that I wasn’t worthy of love or friendship, even if most of the symbolism and imagery of the show flew right over my head initially. I’m not claiming that I’m completely over that, but I’m definitely better now than I was at 14, and I can only hope that trend will continue with time.

I don’t think any other work of fiction has stuck with me so much, and this meager, cartoony representation of one character doesn’t even begin to describe what this show means to me, but I’m not sure if anything I draw could really do it justice. But I thought I would try. Maybe I’ll do more of these kinds of things in the future.

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As for why this is a picture of Asuka: I was always fascinated with her character. She was so similar to Shinji and me, and yet she dealt with her problems in a completely different way. Instead of running from human interaction, she demanded superficial attention from everyone. All at once, I understand and was baffled by her behavior. I hated her and wanted to be her friend. I think the thing I liked the most about her was her ability to fight back against everything that came at her. She had a fighting spirit, which was something I sorely lacked. So I decided to make an illustration that encapsulated most of the larger issues that she had to deal with during the course of the show.

For a really fascinating read on Asuka’s character, look here (after having watched the show, of course): http://fiendswithbenefits.tumblr.com/post/88279631797/eva-analysis-asuka-langley-sohryuu