So they finally hired a new guy.

For over a month we’ve been so short staffed. I don’t know how many hours of overtime I didn’t get paid for. I should be making at least three dollars more than I do. Meanwhile, the managers just sit in their offices. Doing what? Working on what? Fucking paperwork? Give me a break. Why do you have a god damned popcorn machine in your office? And I know about the bottle of vodka in your desk, by the way! Yeah, I could get him fired so easily.

So they finally hired a new guy.

He’s quiet. Keeps to himself mostly. When I say things to him he’ll laugh but won’t say anything. All day. For weeks. I’d try to start a conversation and he’d just laugh, look at me in the eyes, but not really in the eyes, and then go back to working.

He worked good. That was for sure. Thank god. This guy could probably be the next good guy who works here. Most kids don’t give a god damn about this job. It’s just to make money. Little fuckers just sit around on their iphones and instagram themselves being dumb asses. Taking selfies.

Fuck these kids.

But every once in a while! Every once in a while we get a good kid who understands that part of the job is the responsibility to actually do it. And he does his work and he respects the things I tell him about how to better himself. He’s a good guy. He’s doing real good. And good kids like him, they stick around for a couple of years then they leave to go do better things than work at a grocery store. I don’t blame them.

Life isn’t too exciting around here.

He still keeps to himself a lot. He’s never really opened up much. We talk more. We don’t have much in common. He’s not really into sports or anything. I’ve talked to him about movies from time to time. I’m not really that big of a movie buff though. You know, I’ve seen all the important ones. Like Forrest Gump and Dirty Harry.

Airplane is a good one too.

He got promoted to being the dairy guy. He had been coming in on weekends to pick up the slack of the dairy girl we had. I don’t know what she does all day. I guess the twenty smoke breaks probably don’t hurt.

It’s good having this guy in the dairy cooler now. I don’t have to give him much help at all. I’ve got a lot more time to do things around the store. You know, the little weird things. Get tags printed, work the back stock for the organic aisle. Little things nobody ever thinks to do, or wants to do for that matter. I can do it once, twice a month, and I’ll get a lot out there, but otherwise it just sits there.

Nobody comes and buys these things. Or they’re just ordering too much of the wrong thing!

We’re all gonna go out for drinks tonight. I’m gonna invite the guy. He’s never come out. I wanna learn a little bit more about him. Get a couple beers in him. See if he’ll talk. Of course he turns me down again. “No, I got a thing that I’ve gotta do tonight. Sorry.” That’s all he said. He’s got a thing he’s gotta do tonight.” Oh well. Hopefully next time. He did seem genuinely sorry.

Man, he should’ve been there. He would’ve had a great time. It’s too bad he couldn’t come. I asked him how his thing went and he just said good and nodded, staring blankly at the bag of shredded cheese in his hand. I honestly didn’t know what to say after that.

So I’ve asked him to come out how many times now? At least ten. Ten times and never once has he come out with us. In ten months! Ten whole months. What the hell is so important that he can’t come out and grab a drink with us one night? I’m gonna ask him what’s up! Find out what the real reason is he won’t come out with us.

I say: “Hey man, why don’t you wanna come out with us ever?”

There’s a long silence. His face turns pink. He starts to say something: “I’ve been busy. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on.”

So I notice he’s been kinda moody, so I’m gonna ask him about that: “You’ve been kind glum lately. Everything ok at home? With the girlfriend?”

He looks down. He looks ashamed. I say: “Come on man, you can tell me. We can talk about these kinds of things.”

He breathes in really hard and then exhales the same. He looks up and to my left. He can’t look at me.

Then he tells me: “I… I need to um… to uh… masturbate.”

We’re both dead quiet. Nancy comes into the back room and says hi to us we both say hi, then she tries to start a conversation and the kid goes back to working again. He fills up his cart and he’s out the door as quick as he could. I follow him out after Nancy fucks off and just talk to him out in the dairy aisle.

I say: “What do you mean?”

He doesn’t look at me. He just looks at his hands as he fills the margarine just a little bit too full, by the way.

He says: I have to masturbate for seven hours a day. Every day.”

I’m shocked. Is this kid fucking with me? I investigate: “You have to?”

“I need to.”

“You need to?”

“Yeah. I have a… a thing.”

“What thing?”

“A curse.”

What the fuck is this kid talking about! A curse? He’s fucking with me! I tell him that! “You’re fucking with me. What the hell, kid. Do you not like me or something?”

“I’m serious. I was cursed by the skeleton of a gypsy witch when I was twelve and now I have to masturbate for seven hours straight, seven days a week.”

I’m absolutely speechless. I say: “…Or what happens?”

“Or my eyes fall out.”

Hold the fucking phone! What the fuck did he just say? His eyeballs will fall out? I think he’s lying! “If you don’t wanna hang out with us just tell me. I’ll stop asking.”

He’s getting frustrated now, I’ve never seen him so angry. He looks away from me and lowers his voice.

He mutters: “I would love to come and hang out with you guys. But I can’t. Or my eyeballs will fall out of my face. Do you think I like it? No! It’s fucking humiliating. And my penis is so sore. But I have to do it. Nothing comes out when I come. And it’s starting to hurt a little bit. I’m almost thinking having my eyes fall out would be better.”

I kind of leave him alone for a little while. A little longer than I think I should and I start to feel guilty. So I go to talk to him and find out he called in sick. He’s never called in sick once! In in over a year!

We don’t see him much after that. He came in one day to talk to the boss and I saw him leaving. He turned towards me and looked at me. Except there were big white bandages around where his eyes should’ve been. I thought to maybe shout out to him but I couldn’t move or say anything. A little lady excuses her self and I have to move my cart and myself out of the way so she can get by. I apologize. She’s a little rude to me back when she says thanks.

Ungrateful bitch.

Well, I had to do three hours of overtime this week! Doubt I’ll see that money. I’d have to bag and plead on my knees and suck off every manager in the place just to get an hour of overtime.

So they finally hired a new guy.

He seems pretty good. We get a couple of good kids every once in a while. They stick around for a couple of years then they leave to go do better things than work at a grocery store. I don’t blame them. Life isn’t too exciting around here.