Brazil has long been known as an exporter of bright young things with very boring names. Jô, Alan, Bernard, Fred are among those to have graced the Mill’s keyboard in recent years, and frankly we’ve had enough. Mothers of Brazil, we want more ‘-inho’s’, more double-grave accents, more headbanded wonderkids named after a Greek philosophers, more starlets commonly associated with huge green Marvel Comic superheroes.

The latest off the underwhelmingly-labelled production line is ‘Robert’ or ‘Kenedy’ or ‘Robert Kenedy’, depending on which back-street outlet you get your morning football gossip from. To help pique your interest this Tuesday, we’re going to affectionately refer to the 19-year-old Fluminense striker as Bobby in the hope that the image of the charming former US senator can inspire you to finish this paragraph.

Like a rare wild beast, BobKat is being ‘tracked’ by Manchester United after impressing in both Brazil’s U-17 and U-20 set up and is thought to be worth £5m. United face competition from Internazionale but are thought to be in the proverbial driving seat having already established a relationship with Fluminense with the transfer of Rafael and Fábio da Silva back in 2008.

Predictably, Bob has been dubbed the new Neymar by the Metro, although from grainy YouTube videos, he appears to have more in common with the aforementioned Hulk. So expect a couple of very expensive moves and ol’ Bob to burn out by the time he reaches his mid-20s. Lovely.

Louis van Gaal and co have also had their heads turned by a player slightly closer to home: Southport reserve team (stay with us here) striker Drew Lewis, who has scored a whopping 38 goals this season. The Premier League giants have offered the 19-year-old a trial, and should he sign for United, he would become the second player to do so from non-league this season, after Sadiq El Fitouri’s switch from Salford City.

Palermo’s Paulo Dybala is increasingly looking like he might become Arsenal’s Paulo Dybala this summer after the Italian club’s owner, Maurizio Zamparini, admitted that there had been a breakdown in contract negotiations. “I like him a lot, but I was expecting a different attitude,” Zamparini reportedly told Italian press.

“I don’t speak to him about a new contract anymore. This lad is out of reach for all Italian clubs, except for Juventus who could make money by selling Paul Pogba. His future? The problem is not the boy but his agents. I am sorry for this. I’ve been to London and I have received calls from all over Europe.” £30m is the price being bandied about, if Arsène Wenger was wondering. The Mill suspects this will not be the Argentinian’s last mention here.

Celtic have decided that they are the club to revive Zakaria Bakkali’s flagging career. The pint-sized PSV winger (just 5ft 4in!) saw a move to Atlético Madrid collapse last summer and after being banished from the first-team having turned down the offer of a new contract, the 19-year-old Belgian international will be available for next to nothing come this June: music to the ears of Ronny Deila.

And finally, Ghanian hedge-better and Newcastle target André Ayew has said that “today I am at Marseille but maybe I won’t be tomorrow”, and following his exploits in the Indian Super League with Pune City, Jermaine Pennant is hoping to make a sensational return to England. He’s training with Millwall.