Thank you for calling AT&T. In order to better serve you, please enter your 6 million digit account number, followed by the pound sign.

Thank you. Your call is very important to us. Please state the nature of your call.

I want to speak to a human being.

I’m sorry, did you say you need help with your bill?

No. I. Want. To. Speak. To. A. Human. BEING.

I’m sorry, did you say you need help with your bill?

NO. HU-MAN. BE-ING.

Please hold while I connect you to that department.

Thank you for calling AT&T. Your call is very important to us. Due to unusually high calling volume, your wait will be approximately 50 minutes. But your call is really important. Really.

(90 minutes later…)

Hello, my name is Monica. How can I provide you with excellent customer service today?

Oh, you poor thing.

Pardon?

Monica, I’m sorry that they make you say that. It really comes off as insincere, and just demonstrates how poorly AT&T treats its employees, and how out of touch with reality they are. Having said that, I am about to gripe at you. Please don’t take it personally. I know it’s not your fault.

Thank you. May I have your 6 million digit account number?

Again? Okay.

Now, let me tell you my story. I’ve told 5 other people this story, but I realize that’s not your fault, so here goes. Again. Two weeks ago I received a letter from you saying that you were going to automatically deduct 150 dollars from my bank account as I had not returned your equipment to you. But I called when I closed my account to ask if I needed to return the equipment, and the person who I spoke with told me that I owned it, and therefore did not have to return it.

According to your records, ma’am, you were required to return the equipment within 30 days.

Monica. I understand that. Now. And it seemed fishy then, which is why I didn’t throw the equipment, which I have absolutely no use for, away. So last week…

Shall I send you a UPS label?

No thank you, Monica. What I am trying to tell you is that last week, after I got your nastygram that said you were taking my money out of my account without my permission, I got a mailing label from you, and returned the equipment, which I never wanted in the first place, to your office in North Dakota. UPS says you received it. And yet you still took my 150.00. Can you explain this to me?

I’m sorry that you are frustrated, ma’am, and I certainly can understand that. Let me check into this. Will you hold please?

Sure.

Ma’am, I just checked with the receiving department, and they say that the reason you were still charged was that the equipment was defective.

Uh…no. It was in pristine condition when I sent it. Are you saying you intend to keep my 150.00?

Unfortunately, ma’am, since the equipment was def—

Monica, believe me when I tell you that it was most definitely NOT defective. If you’re saying I’ve essentially bought this equipment, then I want it back.

Pardon?

You’re saying I just bought 150.00 worth of defective equipment. Then I want it.

Please hold.

Ma’am, unfortunately, the equipment was destroyed.

Of course it was. Well, then, I want my 150.00 back, please.

Pardon?

Monica, surely you don’t expect me to take your word for it that the equipment was defective. If I’m paying 150.00 for equipment, I either want the equipment or I want a refund.

I wish I could help you, ma’am.

Monica, you’ve been wonderful. Truly. Now let me speak to your supervisor.

Please hold while I transfer you. And thank you for being the best part of AT&T.

You poor thing.

Hello, my name is Chartreuse. How can I provide you with excellent customer service today?

Well, Chartreuse, you could start by giving me back my 150.00.

Ma’am, I’m told you want your equipment back.

No, actually, I never wanted the equipment in the first place. What I want is my money.

When you returned the equipment, it was defective.

Please prove it, Chartreuse.

Obviously I can’t.

Of course you can’t. May I speak to your supervisor?

I am the supervisor.

Are you the CEO? If not, surely you have a supervisor.

Please hold. And thank you for being the best part of AT&T.

(20 minutes later…)

Technical, this is Bob speaking.

Hi Bob. I’m extremely frustrated right now. Let me tell you the story. (Yadda, yadda, yadda…)

Ma’am, you’ve been connected to the wrong department.

Of course I have.

I have no idea why they sent you here.

I know EXACTLY why they sent me here, Bob. Because they were hoping I’d give up in utter frustration and just eat the 150 bucks. But Bob, you are speaking to a woman on the edge. Do you understand, Bob, what I mean when I say that I’m on the edge? I mean that I’m on the RAGGED edge of really losing it up in this mo’ fo’, Bob, and I will not rest, in fact I will make it my life’s work, Bob, to get my money back. Am I making myself clear? So, Bob, the next person I speak to, and that will be without holding for 20 minutes, Bob, will be someone who will fix this problem. Am I right? Bob?

Please hold.

Hello, this is Robert. How can I…

Robert. Robert. Robert. What is your last name?

Smith.

Thank you. Robert Smith. Let me start off by getting you up to speed. (Yadda, yadda, yadda….)

May I have your 6 million digit account number?

With pleasure. If you straighten this out, Robert, I’ll even name my first born child after you.

Ma’am, the way our policy is written, I cannot give you a refund on defective equipment. However, I see here that you have changed your address, and based on that, I can give you a refund.

Pardon?

Well, what I’m going to write in your account is that…

You know what, Robert? As long as I get my money back, you can write whatever you want.

You’ll receive the refund within the next two weeks, ma’am. And while I have you on the line would you be interested in our preferred customer discount for 40 year’s worth of phone, internet and cable TV?

Robert, I wouldn’t even give AT&T a bucket of spit if it were on fire, but thanks for asking. And if your supervisor is listening, you’re doing an excellent job. You deserve a raise. It’s your company that sucks.

I understand, ma’am. And thank you for being the best part of AT&T.

Well, when the bar is set this low, it’s not that hard.