Shoppers rush to pick up toilet paper that had just arrived at a Costco store, Saturday, March 7, 2020, in Tacoma, Wash. Within minutes, several pallets of toilet paper and paper towels were sold out as people continue to stock up on necessities due to fear of the COVID-19 coronavirus. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)

Remember all that talk of people overbuying sanitary goods like toilet paper so they could rip off the desperate and dirty online?

Well, here’s a nice little vignette.

In a YouTube video posted April 7th, John-Paul Drake, director of Australia’s 50-location independent chain Drakes Supermarkets, reported that a customer recently tried to return a gargantuan amount of TP and hand sanitizer:

“I had my first customer yesterday who said he wanted to get a refund on 150 packets of 32-pack toilet paper and 150 units of one liter sanitizer! I told him that.”

John-Paul raised his hand and, through a shroud of pixelation, appeared to erect a single finger.

“That is the sort of person that is causing the problem in the whole country.”

See for yourself:

As noted by The Daily Wire, before recounting the ridiculous return, J-P laid out the reason for his stores’ purchase limits imposed during the pandemic. It’s because of people like Mr. Goofball as mentioned above:

“If everyone had just bought the things that they’d needed for their immediate short-term, we would be fine. But the reality is, we’ve had so many people hoarding products and buying products that they’re never gonna use. I’d almost say that they might not ever eat in their lifetime.”

And here’s a bit of a stunner: As per John-Paul, in just four weeks, Drakes has “sold eight months of toilet paper.”

Additionally, they’ve hawked “a year’s supply of flour in nine days.”

Hence, stores have placed “limits on toilet paper, tissue, paper towels, hand sanitizers, detergent, and many other products, depending on their availability from the manufacturer.”

The good director also took the opportunity to run down some panic-purchasing from times of yore:

“In 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis caused panic-buying of canned foods. In 1972, the oil crisis ensured customers panic-bought fuel. I’d like to have seen that one. In 1985, people panic-bought Coca-Cola after…so-called New Coke. … And in the year 2000, the millennium bug caused panic across supermarkets with people…thinking that the whole world was going to stop after 11:59. But what happened after 11:59? Nothing.”

Right. But I must say — the Coke people were right: New Coke was too sweet, just like Pepsi.

The YouTube video landed John-Paul on Sky News Australia’s Paul Murray Live, where he went into more detail on the goob who tried to take back all that tissue. John-Paul claimed eBay had shut down the man’s store. Hence, the attempt at a return.

How’d he manage to purchase all that TP anyway? According to Drake in a LinkedIn post, “He had a team of people buying one of each across all of our stores!”

On PML, the grocery man explained “one of the [major retail chains] said, ‘We’re not gonna take anymore refunds on toilet paper and sanitizer,’ and we made a pact to do that as well.”

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Speaking of scarcity, John Paul offered a bit of advice for this early-mid part of 2020 — which he called “The Year of Toilet Paper”:

“The hand pumps for your hand soaps? China has run out of hand pumps. So my suggestion to you is make sure you keep your pumps at home. Because you never know when you’re gonna need ’em.”

Good to know.

Back to the man with way too much toilet tissue on his hands, it serves him right. 150 packs x 32 rolls = 4800 rolls.

Better get to eatin’, dude. And prepare for a sore arm.

If the shady shopper can make it through even half that inventory in the next three years, though the guy’ll still have 2400 rolls left…he’ll be wiped out.

-ALEX

See 3 more pieces from me:

Self-Pleasuring Man Zooms Into Indiana Election Commission Conference

He’s Alright, Alright, Alright: Hollywood’s Matthew McConaughey Hosts the Virtual Bingo Game for a Senior Living Facility

One of Boston’s Heroes Fighting the Wuhan Flu Is Former NFL Player Myron Rolle, Now a Brain Surgeon

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