A new season of NHL hockey is just around the corner, and with that arrival we here at Loose Cannons will finally stop having to grasp at straws to find reasons to drink!

Devoted readers may remember the previous edition of this list which, among other fateful predictions, assumed that Gregory Campbell would play even one NHL game in the 2016-17 season! How times change! Back then we would’ve killed a man with our bare hands for a four game winning streak, to be fair, and then our beloved boys went and got a streak four times that.

Thank god for unsustainability, right?

With that in mind, here we present a heavily edited drinking game. Feel free to also heavily edit your choice of drink, whether mixing spirits or staying tee total, for the optimum viewing experience. Also, feel free to self-select which rules to follow! We’re sure that a full house is possible, and we don’t want to encourage liver cirrhosis. Know your limits, guys.

Personally, we’ll be breaking out the really good stuff for Chicago and Las Vegas, but your mileage may vary. We just really miss William Karlsson.

TAKE A DRINK:

Every time the cannon sounds.

If Wennberg gets an assist. Two drinks if Panarin scored the goal. We’ve got a good feeling about that kid.

Every time Cam doesn’t convert on a breakaway.

Every time Matt Calvert gets a breakaway. If he actually scores, finish your drink.

a breakaway. Every time Jody Shelley uses ‘Big’ as the only adjective to describe a player. If it’s about Josh Anderson, finish your drink.

If Josh Anderson ever signs a goddamn contract, you should drink a comically large glass of whatever alcohol best suits. You deserve it.

Whenever you think about Sergei Bobrovsky’s two Vezinas. Drinking doesn’t only have to reinforce negative behaviour!!

Every time the team fails to get a shot on goal during a power play.

Whenever you remember Brandon Saad is a Blackhawk again, and all those Chicago fans on Twitter who spent the last two seasons shouting ‘Come home!!!’ are probably really happy about it.

Whenever the Jackets take a penalty. Two drinks if it’s Wennberg or Bjorkstrand. Three if it’s at a pivotal moment in the game.



TAKE TWO DRINKS:

Every time Rimer mispronounces someone’s name.

If the Jackets allow a goal less than 90 seconds after scoring.

If someone mentions 0-8-0/Bob’s groin/the 2017 Stanley Cup Playoffs. You lived that shit, you shouldn’t have to remember it.

that shit, you shouldn’t have to remember it. Whenever a fan of another team says Columbus plays dirty. If Brandon Dubinsky tweets about it, contemplate the reality of life as a hockey fan in the age of social media. Then drink, I guess. Does it really matter?

If a fight breaks out! If the fight gets you worrying about CTE, the future of hockey as fighting declines, the possibility of your favourite player getting a concussion and being out for the season, or your childhood nightmares of turning up to class in your underwear, finish your drink.



FINISH YOUR DRINK:

If we lose a coach’s challenge.

If we win a coach’s challenge. Hell, when there’s a coach’s challenge, just chug. It might help you understand what the officials are thinking.

a coach’s challenge. When a bad game finally, finally ends! Congratulations, you and your liver have survived another day of Blue Jackets Hockey.

If a commentator ever mentions The Streak during a good part of the season. Make sure to also throw salt over your shoulder and salute every magpie on your way to work. Better safe than sorry!

CHUG CHUG CHUG:

If Rimer ever mixes up a player on the ice with a different Blue Jacket/a player on another team/a player on LTIR/a player that doesn’t exist. Seriously, Rimes. Faloney?

If you’re watching the opposing team’s broadcast and they insult the Jackets. If you’re watching the opposing team’s broadcast and they DON’T insult the Jackets (this is more of an ongoing challenge to Root Sports).

If we beat Montreal 10-0. Hey. It happened once.



And with that, we are prepared for another season! Maybe this one will be a step up. Maybe it will be like falling down a well.

Only time will tell! All we know is that we love these boys and will support them even when they are bad. Which they will be, at least some of the time, and we will be drunk as fuck while they do it.

Drink safe!

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