Dear Sugars,

I’m a 22-year-old man who is soon graduating university. I have a job lined up, I’m creatively fulfilled, healthy, physically fit, and I’m surrounded by friends and family who are supportive of me. I’ve been in a relationship for the past 18 months with a woman who was my best friend for a few years before we began dating. We come from completely different cultural and religious backgrounds, but we’ve agreed to work through our differences together. I’m totally in love with her, but there’s one problem: For some time now, I’ve felt unimportant and excruciatingly lonely. I’m not being treated the way I want to be treated.

When we argue it always ends with me being apologetic and sad and with her acting aggressive and angry. I frequently feel as if I’m walking on eggshells around her whims. I struggle to articulate my needs and feelings to her, but when I do, I’m exceptionally careful with my words because I fear her reaction. Our conflicts tend to follow the same pattern: I repress my feelings and deflect my emotions until I finally tell her how her behavior makes me feel, then she snaps, puts distance between us, and follows up with a volley of hurtful texts, emails, or simply silence. As someone with severe anxiety, the silence especially feels like an abyss.

Is this normal? I’ve suggested counseling, so she has a safe space to unpack habits she picked up from a physically abusive childhood, which I understand might be the reason she is the way she is when we argue, but she’s not receptive to the idea. I love her, but I don’t know what else to do. Any advice?

Lonely Lover

Cheryl Strayed: The most important sentence in your letter is this: “I’m not being treated the way I want to be treated.” Its clarity is far more meaningful than your love for your partner, which is quite frankly beside the point. Love is almost always present, even in the most abusive relationships. But it must not be the gauge by which you measure the merits of this (or any) relationship. You know what should be? How you’re being treated. When you’re being treated badly, there are only two reasonable things to do: end the relationship or convince your partner to stop doing it. You’ve already attempted the latter. You’ve repeatedly told your partner that her behavior upsets you and she hasn’t changed. You suggested she see a therapist and she declined. So now it’s on you, Lonely Lover. Do you want to continue having an intimate relationship with a woman who makes you feel “unimportant and excruciatingly lonely”? Let the answer to that question be your guiding light.