If your birthday is this week: Wesley Snipes calls you and wishes you a happy birthday as part of his court-ordered service. You will ask if you can call him sometime. He’ll tell you, “No.”

Aries: The ghost of Willie Nelson will appear to you and tell you to recheck line 39 on your tax form. When you point out that Willie Nelson isn’t dead, he’ll disappear.

Taurus: You will learn that you cannot deduct massages with happy endings as a medical expense on your taxes.

Gemini: The stars say, check your math. It’s unlikely your cheap calculator is correct since it’s missing a 4.

Lemini: You will learn that you cannot use that homeless guy you gave a dollar to as a dependent.

Cancer: Jason Stathman will bust into your apartment, punch you a few times and scream, “Where’s the girl?!” Have an answer if you value your teeth.

Leo: Your car will transform into an autobot at the gas station and bitch slap you for not buying premium.

Virgo: The squirrels in your backyard get together and spell out the words, “Clothes your bathroom curtain” in acorns in your backyard. So either do that or start working out.

Libra: Mailing your tax return inside a delicious pie does not make the IRS “overlook” the money you owe.

Scorpio: You will be forced to liquidate several of your antique sex toys to pay your taxes.

Sagittarius: This week, you will play some poker. You won’t win, but you’ll get drunk enough to keep repeating this.

Capricorn: You’ll meet O.J. Simpson in a dark alley. He’ll demand to know if you’re the “real killer”. When you tell him no, he’ll just mumble “Aw, shoot.” and walk away.

Aquarius: You pot dealer will send you a reminder for 420. It’ll be dated from 2010.

Pisces: You webcomic premiere will be picked up by major news outlets who are desperate to do any news story that doesn’t center around trying to make Mitt Romney not sound boring.