Along with finding a good location, a big part of being successful in the restaurant business is being unique, or at least unique enough that anyone, anyone in the world, gives a shit to eat at your restaurant instead of someone else's. Why do we tolerate both Burger King and McDonald's in the same world? Burger King sells itself on flame-broiled burgers. McDonald's sells itself much more heavily as a family restaurant, with emphasis on appealing to kids. McD's really pushes its drinks and unique offerings -- the McRib and the Shamrock Shake. Burger King uses a lifeless plastic-headed soul reaper as a mascot. You can compare and contrast all sorts of things, but the point is, while they're both burger joints, they've carved out niche identities, and, as with Pepsi vs. Coke, both have their stalwart adherents. You want adherents at your restaurant, too, but you'll never get them if your best dish is boiled chicken on a bed of limp fuckery.

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Any good restaurant needs to give people a reason to want to go there. You need your own Big Mac. You need the best wings in town, or the sloppiest Joe. You need to find a way to infuse beer into a salad. That's some stone-cold clever shit right there.

Far too often, new restaurants show up and offer you a hamburger that tastes like it was cooked with the heat that came off the chef's ass as he sat on the patty and the bun was made with yeast that came from a place I dare not mention. (A yeast infection. Shhh.) If you're just going to feed people shit on a shingle, maybe you can make it a hobby instead of a business and save yourself the trouble of losing your life savings to showcase your failure in a massive building.

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This isn't to say there's anything wrong with opening another burger joint in the world, or an Italian restaurant. It's just that you need to not suck at it and, again, research. I'm sometimes afraid restaurant owners research their businesses by making sure no one in town used the name they want to use yet, and if that works, they just open the damn thing. You need to go to literally every Italian restaurant in your town if you're opening one and order a meal. Then take pictures of the menu with your phone like a poor man's James Bond and make up a database of information when you get home. Does everyone offer lasagna? What do they put in it? What is everyone else in the restaurant eating? Do they have free bread sticks? What kinds of drinks do they offer? Do the waiters wear thongs? Is there a guy in the bathroom who will watch you with a salacious smirk on his face while you pee?