Hi! I’m Asa Akira. Currently, I’m sitting on my sofa in pajamas, surrounded by a sea of tissues. Nose red, hair a mess, dying of what could very possibly be Hand Foot & Mouth Disease. But please don’t picture me like that; please envision me on a hand-raked beach in Mexico, Mai Tai in one hand, typing on the new Macbook Pro with the other, topless male models feeding me NYC Pizza. Juicy by Biggie is playing in the background.

As you may have already heard, I am the newest Barstool Sports employee. If you’ve been masturbating to me for the last decade (or viciously avoiding me as you click on the box next to me,) you may be confused. It’s true, I am a pornstar- and regardless of my new job, that will not change. Barstool is very understanding of my need to get doubly penetrated on a regular basis, and I will continue shooting movies for Wicked Pictures for probably forever.

My new job will have very little to do with that side of me. As a full time Barstool employee, I will be blogging, social media-ing, and creating #contentcontentcontent. My main focus will be joining Kevin and John as the newest member of KFC RADIO. Episodes will be released every Tuesday and Thursday, and the show will be basically a monster mashup of preexisting shows KFC Radio and Mailtime. While Dan will be leaving KFC Radio just as I will be joining, please make no mistake – my goal is not to replace him. The original trio has created something magical, something I’m not here to attempt to recreate. The new KFC Radio will be a new show, a fresh beginning.

What does she have in common with anyone at Barstool, you may be asking. Admittedly, I am not a sports fan – and don’t worry, I will not pretend to be. My knowledge of anything involving balls starts with [insert GIF of me punching a guy in the balls], (KFC Editor’s Note: Its a VERY NSFW GIF, so search at your own peril…but it is WILD) and ends there. I do, however, have extensive interest in pop culture, comedy, and all forms of entertainment. I’m a published author of two books, I can out-TV-binge anyone I know, and I will google research a mundane argument so fast you won’t be able to say Kim Kardashian Butt Injections. Speaking of which, I have had sex with more women than both Kevin and John combined, and add the fact that I am the owner of a vagina myself – I am somewhat of an expert on women, a perspective that I think will greatly add to Barstool.

I look forward to this new venture, and I am so thankful to all of the Barstool readers/listeners/viewers that have been enthusiastic. Please stay tuned for what’s to come, as I get back to my imaginary male models and ponder the irony of catching a weird disease at my first non-porno job.