A 28-YEAR-OLD man would be meditating on a daily basis if only masturbation did not exist, he has confirmed.

Nurse Wayne Hayes said: “With a demanding job and all the mind-cluttering distractions of modern technology, I realised it was important to clear space in my morning for a meditation session.

“Unfortunately that space tends to be filling with wanking.

“I’ve tried meditating on how I can stop wanking, but that just makes me realise how much I prefer wanking to meditating, and then you can guess what happens next.

“I’ve tried reading some books of Zen proverbs but they don’t mention wanking at all. There’s a lot of stuff about observing the changing seasons, rivers and ‘oxen’, whatever they are, but that doesn’t really help.

“Perhaps wanking is a type of meditation. I tried it in the car the other day when I was stressed out and it did seem to help.

“I might make a ‘wanking mindfulness’ app, it could make lots of money then I could stay home all day. Meditating.”