First off, did you know that there even is a Bad Sex in Fiction Award? Ever since 1993, the Literary Review has singled out “the author who produces the worst description of a sex scene in a novel,” resulting in both the public shaming of the author and the discouragement, its editors hope, of “crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description” in the future. But before the Literary Review announces the winner and awards him/her with a statuette—a naked woman sprawled over a book—the British magazine reveals its shortlist for the year, as it did earlier this week, along with a particularly damning sexual passage from each of the nominated titles. More surprising than the cringe-worthy extracts, however, is the fact that this year’s most popular sex novel to deny you’ve read is not included on this year’s shortlist.

Literary Reviewsenior editor Jonathan Beckman explains that Fifty Shades of Grey does not qualify “because the prize’s rubric explicitly excludes pornographic and erotic literature.” (So did Oprah’s reading list, until this year, but hey.) As if that weren’t sufficient justification, Beckman then cattily added of the novel’s author, E. L. James, “I don’t think she needs any more publicity, does she?” Fair enough. Fifty Shades of Grey, including it’s arguably bad sex scenes, is currently being adapted for the screen by Universal Pictures and Focus Features, the result of which may be able to qualify for another award celebrating risible under-achievements: the Razzie.

In the meantime, condolences are in order for this year’s Bad Sex Award nominees, including Nicholas Coleridge (The Adventures: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox), Nancy Huston (Infrared), and Nicola Barker, whose The Yips contains the passage: “She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.“