The Subtle Art of Going Out Alone and Loving It

“I had already found that it was not good to be alone, and so made companionship with what there was around me, sometimes with the universe and sometimes with my own insignificant self; but my books were always my friends, let fail all else.”

― Joshua Slocum, Sailing Alone around the World

If you’re like most people, you noticed the vast array of people who spent time with their friends, family and even strangers at local events. Whether it’s at the movies, the mall, restaurants, or clubs, you noticed the vast majority of people usually like to attend local events together. However, when someone doesn’t have anyone to spend quality time with and they’re all alone, they normally stay indoors.

They see no point going out to eat if they’re the only one sitting at the table. They make the assumption that if they’re seen alone in public, others will assume they’re either a loser or should be avoided. They fear the idea of silence entering their world, which gives birth to nervousness because it subtly indicates low self-value.

But a key characteristic that people seem to forget in the modern age are the benefits of embracing their solitude. With hundreds of ways to communicate with nearly anyone across the world, the idea of solitude seems crazy by itself. Just the idea of doing something alone seem frightening because since our childhood, we’ve developed the belief that we need others to go somewhere publicly.

In a study research done by Rebecca Ratner and other Researchers, they surveyed a group of people to test their reactions about going to public events alone. The purpose was to uncover if they were comfortable with engaging in public activities alone and with others. Thus, one of the first places they had their participants attend alone was an art gallery. Despite what the subjects had believed about not enjoying their experiences there alone, they actually reported enjoying the experienced as much as if they had went with their friends.

But why is it we’re still scared of going out alone?

“The reason is we think we won’t have fun because we’re worried about what other people will think. We end up staying at home instead of going out to do stuff because we’re afraid others will think they’re a loser.” Rebecca Ratner

As an introvert, I prefer doing a vast amount of activities by myself. Some would be eating out while reading something interesting, taking walks in the park, or even spending quality time alone downtown at night. It’s during those moments of isolation where I have the time to free my thoughts and disconnect from the world’s problems. I imagine it as a way of pausing life and living in that exact moment.

Never mistake my enjoyment for solitude as a means of loving the lifestyle of a hermit. Such as I enjoy spending time with myself, I manifest the moments I have with friends and family. Those moments give me a chance to communicate my thoughts and ideas with another individual as I learn about them.

To live a healthy lifestyle, there must be a necessity of both flavors triggering your brain. Some people only require a small amount of social interaction before feeling comfortable enough to live in solitude for weeks or months. Others need social interaction to some degree on a daily basis before feeling the need to retreat back to their own space. It all boils down to general preference. But either way, all individuals require some given time to themselves to appreciate the special value others bring to them.

Yet, the only obstacle most people encounter is being ashamed of doing things publicly alone. They lose focus of enjoying a movie alone when they’re used to the company of others to enjoy it with. Where solitude has the potential to cultivate the inner world of your conscious by bringing forth self-discovery, self-realization, and awareness of your deepest feelings, society has gave it a negative image. They mistake it as a form of loneliness and this lowers their self-esteem.

The most common reason people loathe spending time in solitude is because of loneliness and boredom. Although a few theorists such as Bates, Larson, and Maslow have uncovered that time alone can boost a person’s sense of well-being, it still raises the question of spending time alone in a public event. After all, when people normally spend a large chunk of time alone, it raises their shyness and social anxiety levels. Thus, they view social situations as unpleasant and awkward.

According to a 2003 study by Fetto in his market research, 12% of Americans spend Friday night alone and they are 1.5 more likely to say they feel “very alone in the world“ than those who spend Friday night with others. They spend their evening watching television or online videos, sleeping, surfing the web, or other solo activities. After a decade with the rise of technology, social media and the internet, the number of Americans spending Friday night alone has nearly doubled.

However, another study done by Abraham Maslow revealed that self-actualized people reporting they “positively like solitude and privacy to a definitely greater degree than the average person.” Maslow noted that these people also expressed a great deal of interpersonal warmth and had especially deep ties with their closet friends. Thus, his argument concluded that most people enjoy sending time in solitude because they recognized the extreme benefits of it.

The only reason most people grow ashamed of solitude is because of what it might possibly indicate a person’s character to be. They question the difference between solitude and loneliness, two very different worlds. Before they’re able to make that final natural decision to go somewhere in public alone, they usually think of the following obstacles:

“Am I loser if I go to the mall alone?” “What will people think of me if I’m seen at the park alone?” “Does this mean I’m worthless if I spend my Friday nights alone?”

Ignore the negative thoughts appearing in your head by accepting the fact no one is paying attention to your life in great details. Especially strangers. People are too concerned with themselves to be primarily concentrated with yours.

To test this theory out, I went to Starbucks alone to read and drink a venti iced tea. Except during that time, I paid extra attention around me to see if anyone was staring at me with pitiful eyes. And do you know what I uncovered after several hours? No one laughed at me because I sat alone at the table. No group of people hovered near me to ponder why I was attending a local coffee shop alone. No one made the assumption I was a loser with no social value. Everyone stuck to their own bubble without paying extra attention to me.

But hey, Starbucks usually have people spending time to themselves all the time. I usually see the same people there either charging their phone, on their laptop, or reading in their own comfort. So I decided to take this theory to another location at Buffalo Wild Wings. (That’s a dining restaurant for those wondering.)

In most scenarios, the average person wouldn’t want to eat alone at a dinning restaurant because it might indicate they’re a loser with no friends. But I ignored that thought because research has already proven people don’t pay attention to the social status of strangers. Your only focus is to not make the situation awkward by appearing frightened or nervous as if you’re under distress.

During my time alone at BWW, I had a pleasant time reading on my phone, speaking to my waitress and occasionally viewing the large televisions hovering above me. (They’re like crazy huge.) Though I did noticed I was the only one sitting alone in the restaurant, I didn’t feel bothered by it. I’ve had moments where I ate there with close ones, but that moment was meant for me and me alone. I didn’t worry about not having someone to talk with at my table. My table was only meant for me to enjoy my thoughts, my food and what I read on my phone.

It was like a date with myself where I wasn’t forced to make small talk between bites or worry about when it was time to go. All I had to worry about was if it was possible to eat an appetite along with my main meal.

That’s the subtle art of loving solitude while in public. Never worry about strangers opinions about you because there aren’t any. Do you remember every stranger you’ve seen in public and whether they had a friend or partner with them? Do you remember considering someone worthless or a loser because they attended the movies alone?

No, because human minds are very picky to what it wants to remember and remembering useless facts such as those aren’t important enough. The only reason we assume it’s important to others is because it’s one of our insecurities we assume the rest of the world can see. Once we paint that situation on a large frame, we assume the rest of the world can see it too. But it’s all in our heads and nowhere else.

What I learned about attending social places alone was that it only became awkward when I made it that way. By appearing scared, not sure of where I’m at, and nervous, people will briefly notice that. But again, they’ll most likely make the assumption it’s a personal issue rather than a social anxiety one.

And to provide you with a social mask to avoid feeling lonely in public, bring something with you to occupy your mind. I normally bring a book, magazine, or phone to read. My friend likes to bring his personal handheld gaming system. My other friend enjoys bringing a drawing journal with her. We all enjoy our solitude as well as going out to eat, visiting museums, or going to the park.

We normally attend public events alone because we actually do enjoy being around other people. It erases the idea that we’re alone in the world. We just prefer not to engage in conversation with them and rather do something we personally enjoy instead. We save the conversations and social engagements for those closest to us. But we never make the mistake of letting the fear of doing anything in public alone stop us because we know the major benefits.

The next time you’re neglecting the idea of doing something alone on Friday night because you don’t want to be seen as a loser, pick up a magazine or book and go there anyway. Go to a local tea/coffee shop and do what you would have done at home anyway. At least there, you’ll receive the social benefits of being near people without having to speak to them.

If you prefer going to bars or pubs, do so without the fear of having a date or friend. Go alone with a drawing pad and see how your drawings are affected after every drink. I guarantee someone will engage you with a conversation because of that alone. Never put your life on pause because you have no one to do something with. Do it because you’re interested and want to try it out.

Enjoyed This Article?

Share it with your friends on Facebook

For more ways to master the art of making friends, mastering conversations, and being socially awesome, here are some popular choices:

The 10 Laws that Conversationalists use to Win People Over

7 Ways to Get People to Like You (and possibly addicted)

How to Curb Stomp Social Anxiety