A grandchild? I'd rather look after a dog! Most women long to be a grandmother. But JILL PALMER has a defiant message for her daughter

Jill was never maternal

A nanny helped raise her only daughter

Now she doesn't want grandchildren

Admits she doesn't like babies

And doesn't want childcare to interrupt her social life or work

The defining moment that convinced me I never want to be a grandmother came a few months ago.

We were invited to a friend's 60th birthday lunch in a lovely riverside gastro pub. Six couples who had known each other for decades. And my friend's two grandchildren.

He and his wife had been asked to look after the little darlings for the day, and were certain the lunch guests wouldn't mind.

Family values? Jill doesn't want her only daughter, Alice, to have any children

Well, the others may not have done, but I most certainly did - a lot. Instead of chatting and laughing about old times like we usually did, the conversation centred on what the six and eight-year-olds were doing at school, their extra-curricular activities and their hobbies - all encouraged by the gushing grandparents.

And lunch finished early because the children were getting bored.

Another friend broke a long-standing date to attend a talk at the Victoria and Albert Museum - something we adored doing together - in order to collect her grandchildren from school.

She wasn't even apologetic. Our date was no longer relevant because she was a grandmother.

Just as some women claim to be born without a mothering instinct, I don't have a grandmothering one.



I have no desire to hold any baby in my arms. It would make no difference if it was my flesh and blood

Unlike Jeannette Kupfermann, who wrote recently in the Mail of her desperation to become a grandma, I do NOT long to step into the role.

Even though I am in my 60s, I can think of nothing worse. And I've told my 25-year-old daughter Alice - who is due to marry in November - that in no uncertain terms.

Hopefully I will never be a grandmother, and if I have the bad luck to become one, I will certainly not be doting.

My friends assume I'm joking and tease me about my grandmother-in-waiting status when I announced that Alice - an account manager at a branding agency in London - would be tying the knot to her company director fiance Simon.

I told them, as I told Alice, that I would delighted to look after her puppy, Reggie. He can come to my house any time and stay as long as he likes. I am happy to walk him, play with him, and feed him. But grandchildren - no way. Dogsitting, yes. Babysitting, no.

Not maternal: Jill became a mother at 41 and while she loves her daughter, pictured as a newborn, she admits she doesn't like babies

A dog isn't demanding, is happy to sit quietly by you, and can be left alone. A small child doesn't fit any of these categories.

I have no desire to hold any baby in my arms. It would make no difference if it was my flesh and blood, I simply do not have an affinity with children. If I am perfectly honest, I don't like babies much.

Yes, I had one of my own, but she was mostly brought up by a full-time nanny who stayed with us until my daughter was 11. I really didn't enjoy her company properly until she was of secondary school age.

So why have a child, you may well ask? I put it down to a journalist's natural curiosity. My husband Ivan, a fellow journalist, wasn't overly eager to reproduce either but, like me, thought it was something new to try.

I didn't take her to soft play centres or toddler groups. I didn't make children's teas or invite friends to play. Her nanny did that

I had a successful career, a happy marriage, an excellent social life and frequent exotic holidays. What hadn't I experienced? Motherhood. So I got pregnant at the age of 41.

One was enough, even though it was a perfect pregnancy and I worked full-time until two days before my elective Caesarean.

Of course, I loved my daughter to bits, and still do, but I didn't do the typical mummy things. I didn't cook her meals or wash her clothes.

I didn't take her to soft play centres or toddler groups. I didn't make children's teas or invite friends to play. Her nanny did that.

We shared the first seven months of her life when I was on maternity leave. I changed nappies, fed her and cared for her every need until the nanny took over. And it didn't adversely affect my daughter. We are probably closer than most mothers and daughters, and thoroughly enjoy each other's company as adults. And I want it to stay that way.

Working mother: Alice had a full-time nanny when she was growing up so Jill could continue with her career

One of my greatest pleasures is our monthly days when we visit art exhibitions, go shopping and have lunch. I realised the perilous sanctity of these trips when a friend said: 'I can't enjoy a day shopping with my daughter any more because we always have the grandchildren with us.'

I managed to protect my career, marriage and social life from the ravages of motherhood and I don't want to risk damaging them by being a grandmother. I have too full and enjoyable a life - time and freedom to explore new interests and opportunities.

When she told me she was getting married, she immediately reassured me that children were the last thing on her mind. I regularly gave her my views on grandchildren even before she was engaged.

She reassures me she's in no rush to reproduce and is happy to focus on her career at the moment - thank goodness. And if she and Simon do decide to have children, she knows better than to rely on me for babysitting and childcare. 'You're just not the grandmother type', she says.



When I see families in restaurants I ask for a table as far away as possible

It isn't just that I don't want the inconvenience of having to fit my life around my grandmother responsibilities, as seems to be the situation in most families.

During half-term and school holidays my local aqua aerobics class, which is attended by women of a certain age, is deserted because they are all on granny duty.

I know couples who have rearranged their lives in case they are asked to look after their grandchildren - and women who have rescheduled their weekly calendar so as not to clash with a possible visit from the grandchild.

But that will not be me. I don't want to babysit; I don't want to take children on outings or go out to eat with young children.

When I see families in restaurants I ask for a table as far away as possible. If I get on a plane and see babies and children on board I despair. Sometimes I can't escape even if I upgrade. On a recent flight to the Bahamas I was forced to sit next to a grandmother cradling a whingeing baby in premium economy for the whole flight.

Close: The mother enjoyed spending time with her daughter once she was past the early years

I grimace at the old cliché that grandparenthood gives you the chance to correct mistakes you made with your own children. My own parents were devoted grandparents. They burst into tears of joy when I announced I was pregnant. Their overwhelming ecstasy when they first held Alice was plain to see.

They were willing to travel across London to babysit at a moment's notice, for which I was extremely grateful. But the brutal truth is, Alice remembers little of this.



G r a ndparents enjoy and benefit more from the relationship than the grandchild

'I can remember them leaving a "magic bag" full of sweets on my pillow when they came to visit but that is about it,' she said recently.

She believes, as I do, that grandparents enjoy and benefit more from the relationship than the grandchild.

I have a younger, unmarried sister who is the least family-orientated person I know. She loves being single, has never wanted children, let alone grandchildren.

Is it coincidence that most of my closest friends are single or childless? They have never contemplated children, let alone grandchildren. Do like-minded people gravitate towards each other?



No babysitting: Jill has told Alice she'll look after her dog but won't look after her baby if she has one

My husband and I have been married for 33 years and, though we both love having a daughter, thankfully he feels exactly the same as me about grandchildren. The thought fills us with dread.

And Alice may have inherited our feelings. Strolling around a gallery together recently on one of our dates, the dreaded subject of grandchildren came up again.

'Of course I shall want to employ a nanny,' she said. 'I loved having one when I was growing up and look at us - it worked didn’t it?'