I know you all love my harlequin romance stories, so here you go. Merry Christmas.

We cheer as we own the sidewalk. Another fruitless night of laughing, drinking and amusing ourselves at their expense. This girl would be another victim of our gaiety.

She appears before us, alone, brown skinned with a tiny body, large eyes and glorious breasts. I flag her down with a snap whistle. “Hey you, girl! My friend here just got out of prison. He hasn’t hugged a woman in six years. Come show him some love!”

She’s all pretty smiles, hugging him. She tip toes back and asks why he was imprisoned. Was it fair?

He assures her he was innocent, and “The Man” is indeed, a bastard for jailing him. She can’t tell if he’s full of shit (he is) but she’s entertained.

Her phone rings and off she goes, running with a dismissive wave. She’s already across the street so I yell “Hey! What’s your number!?” I’m a closer.

“What?” She yells back.

“What’s your damn number woman!?”

“604-xxx-xxxx.”

Yeah. I was surprised too….

The next day I send her a text. “Hey it’s Tony. Come to the beach and float with me.”

She replies “Are you the guy from prison?”

“No I’m the other guy.”

“Which one?”

“The hot one. Duh.”

“Lol”

“Meet me at the beach today.”

“I’m busy today.”

“Fighting ninjas?”

“Haha. No! School.”

I don’t reply. I get a Burger King poutine and then feel guilty licking the gravy out of my beard; (how many babies died to make this?) I make a mental note to hit the gym that day.

The next day, I text her again.

“Beach”

She replies “Ok. See you at 2.”

I’m sort of shocked. I’m so used to being flaked on and this girl doesn’t even know who I am. But she’s adventurous and I’m a warrior so I get my towel. We meet at Starbucks. She’s just as sexy as I barely remember her. Not like t.v. actress beautiful but small and curvy and real.

I buy her an iced tea and we walk to the water. I pretend to throw her in, back to the sea like a “bad mermaid.” She tells me I’m crazy. I agree, grab some sea foam and slap it on my face. I’m frothing at the mouth. She splashes me.

This one’s a student from Dubai. She’s training to be a nurse…for the money. She likes to dance sexy and draw anime babes and download scary movies. Her tits are freaking amazing and I’m poppin up so I walk her to a grassy knoll arm in arm to cuddle. We talk about nice things and I lean in slowly, pausing before contact so she knows…and we make out. I feel those jugs up on my chest and it’s all bliss and glory. She tastes twenty one, like a non-smoker, like a fresh hot girl. Four years of pain, running around stank ass bars for this. Thank you me. Thank you.

Two days later she texts me “Hey I’m coming over sexy Tony. I’m wit my gurlfirnd.”

She’s drunk on my doorstep, bff in tow, bursting out of her dress. I take them into my bedroom weave witty stories, play with her legs, flirt with her friend…politely. After thirty minutes they leave. Of course I wanted to bang and she does too, but not with the friend. So why did she bring her? We never know.

The next day is warm and we go to the dog pound to look at puppies. I watch her bosom heave as she coos and awwwwws at the fluffly bundles of cuteness. I roleplay marriage and searching for a new pet. “Look honey! This one will go great with the kids! Those little bastards.”

We go to the park and make out more on the grass. She’s got ass breath today. I give her some gum and she frowns…whatever. The energy is dying so I climb a tree and throw apples at her. When in doubt, be immature.

We get to my house and onto my bed to watch Chapelle show on the laptop. I pour white wine but she doesn’t want any…not good. I drink and warm my gut. I sort of want her to leave, not sure why. I try to make out with her, but she says she’s tired and decides to go home. She seems depressed. I’m cool with that. I play Gears of War with my roommate. I love that game.

I see her two days later, her idea. This time I have Gin…she likes Gin. We make out. I try to take off her pants but she gives me some bullshit and it isn’t happening. I take off her shirt and suck on her boobs. I squeeze them politely, “Harder!” she commands. Her nipple is pierced and they are glorious. I motorboat them.

Then I stand up, take my unit out and point it towards her face. She looks at the handsome member for eight seconds, then up at me and she’s amused. I just stand there, proud. Then she holds it gently with one hand and engulfs me with a happy whimper.

And she thought I just got out of prison.

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