There once was a buggy AI

Who decided her subject should die.

When the plot was uncovered,

The subjected discovered

That sadly the cake was a lie.



A preoccupied vegan named Hugh

picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.

He took a big bite

before spitting, in fright,

"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"



There was an old man

From Peru, whose lim'ricks all

Look'd like haiku. He



Said with a laugh "I

Cut them in half, the pay is

Much better for two."



if(computer.fail==true){

background.setColor(blue);

user.frown();

sys.shutdown();

user.scream("OH, FUCK YOU");}



There once was a [person] from [place]

Whose [body part] was [special case].

When [event] would occur,

It would cause [him or her]

To violate [law of time/space].



A woman in liquor production

Owns a still of exquisite construction.

The alcohol boils

Through magnetic coils.

She says that it's "proof by induction."



There once was a man named Bertold

Who drank beer when the weather grew cold

As he reached for his cup...

"NEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!"

Oh, snap! You just got limerickrolled!



Rob, an odd fellow, designs

Poems of equal-length lines

And he limericks with flair

As his forethought and care

Ensure a word count of 3 9s



(27 characters in each line, 27 words in the limerick)



A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,

Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.

She found a good way

To combine work and play:

She sells C shells by the seashore.



A dying mosquito exclaimed,

"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"

The cause of his sorrow

Was para-dichloro-

Diphenyl-trichloroethane



There once was a small juicy orange,

...fuck.



If you catch a Chinchilla in Chile

And cut off its beard, willy-nilly

You can honestly say

That you have just made

A Chilean Chinchilla's chin chilly



There was a young sailor from Brighton,

Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."

She replied, "Bless my soul,

You're in the wrong hole;

There's plenty of room in the right one."



A programmer started to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss

As he lay there in bed

Looping 'round in his head

was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;



See that lighthouse beam in the sky

That guides yonder ships going by?

My friend shines that beam;

She's living her dream.

I'm in grad school. I still don't know why.



A Brief History of Gravity



It filled Gallileo with mirth

To watch his two stones fall to Earth

"Their rates are the same,"

He gladly proclaimed,

"And quite independent of girth!"



Then Newton declared in due course

His own law of Gravity's force,

"It goes, I declare,

As the inverted square

Of the distance from object to source."



Next Einstein revealed his equation

Which succeeds to describe gravitation

As spacetime that's curved

And it's this that will serve

As the planets' unique motivation.



But the end of the story's not written,

By a new way of thinking we're smitten.

We twist and we turn

Attempting to learn

The Superstring Theory of Witten.





There once was a girl named Lenore

And a bird and a bust and a door

And a guy with depression

And a whole lot of questions

And the bird always says "Nevermore."



The limerick's structure somewhat

necessitates *eloquent* smut.

If you haven't the time

to learn meter and rhyme,

then don't write them, you ignorant slut.



There is a young poet named Herman.

He's not very good, but he's learnin',

Though he often offends

Because he so often ends

Alle sein Limericks auf Deutsch.



There once was a sysadmin, Eddie,

Who could strip, touch and finger real steady.

But when it came to the mount,

(From his sweetheart's account),

It was always "Device is not ready".



On the chest of a barmaid at Yale

were tattooed the prices of ale,

and on her behind,

for the sake of the blind,

was the same information in Braille.



There was a young woman named Bright

Whose speed was much faster than light.

She set out one day

In a relative way,

And returned on the previous night.



There once was an X from place B,

That satisfied predicate P,

He or she did thing A,

In an adjective way,

Resulting in circumstance C.



A young psychic midget named Marge

Went to jail with the most heinous charge

But despite lock and key

The next day she broke free

And the headlines said "Small Medium at Large"



The integral of zee-squared dee zee,

From 1 to the cube root of 3,

Times the cosine,

Of 3 pi over 9,

Is the log of the cube root of e.



Famous poems rewritten as limericks: I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud



There once was a poet named Will

Who tramped his way over a hill

And was speechless for hours

Over some stupid flowers

This was years before TV, but still.



There once was a man from Japan

whose limericks just wouldn't scan.

When asked why this was,

he answered, "Because

I always cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."



There once was a man from deep space

And all you could see was his face

It seemed that his gig

Was to make you move zig

Or else he would take all your base



There once was a maid from Madras

Who had a magnificent ass.

Not rounded and pink,

as you'd possibly think;

It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.



This database comes with a curse:

I just wasted an hour or worse

On LimerickDB,

Now all that I see

I read as if written in verse.



A history grad student, Marta,

mis-clicked as she browsed on Encarta.

Instead of King Midas,

there appeared Leonidas --

"Phrygia? Madame, THIS IS SPARTA!"



There was a young lad from Duntroon

Who was born about three months too soon.

He hadn't the luck

To be born from a fuck,

But a wet dream transferred with a spoon



there once was a girl on the net

who sexed up a man she had met

he said "are you free?

I write x k c d."

she replied with "you're making me wet."



A daring young woman named Alice

used a dynamite stick as a phallus

They found her vagina

In North Carolina,

And bits of her anus in Dallas.



Among all these poems, a few

of the best recite old jokes anew.

But there's one I don't see,

And the reason must be:

In Russia, the limerick writes you.



The lass I brought home was a prize,

With an alluring set of bright blue eyes,

Her breasts, so well kept,

Were what I'd expect,

But her penis was quite a surprise.





There once was a plumber from Brie,

Who was plumbing a lass by the sea,

She cried "Plumber, stop plumbing,

There's somebody coming!"

Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."



There was a zookeep from Nantucket

Who was struck by a fish -- couldn't duck it

He was thrown from the cage

By a pinniped's rage.

Quoth the walrus, "You can't has mah bukkit!"



There once was a vampire named Mable,

whose periods were really quite stable.

And every full moon,

she'd get out a spoon

and drink herself under the table.



There once was a gal from Peru

whose limericks stopped on line two.



There once was a boy from Eau Claire

Who had given his mother a scare

"I see what you're doing,"

She said, "and you're moving

With your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."



There was a young fencer named Fisk

Whose swordplay was agile and brisk.

So fast was his action,

The Lorentz contraction

Diminished his sword to a disk.



There was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.



There once was an old man of Lyme

Who married three wives at a time;

When asked "Why a third?"

He replied, "One's absurd!

And bigamy, sir, is a crime."



Re: #146



If you think that this proof is a hit

And you're enamored with your clever wit

Then look close and you'll see

That in part two, line three,

You divided by zero - OH SHI-



Watching porn one night in his flat,

upon his bed, Timothy sat.

As he unzipped his fly,

he looked up with a sigh,

"Some privacy please, Ceiling Cat!"



The limerick packs laughs astronomical

in a space that is most economical.

But of the ones that I've seen,

so few have been clean,

and the clean ones are seldom so comical.



The bustard's an exquisite fowl,

Without any reason to growl.

It escapes what would be,

Illegitimacy,

By the grace of a fortunate vowel.



A friend of mine -- Charlie by name

Is a strategist with deadly aim.

He wants you to know

(So I'll say 'ere I go)

That you, friend, have just Lost The Game.



I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame

Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.

Ahead of my legions,

I invaded her regions,

I saw, I conquered, I came.



I think words are ambrosial and mystic

I get tongue-tied when told, "Be simplistic."

I don't mean to make louche rhymes,

or to act like a douche -- I'm

just lexiphanicistic.



A certified poet from Slough

Whose methods of rhyming were rough

Retorted, "I see

That the letters agree,

And if that's not sufficient, I'm through."



Miss Farad was pretty and sensual

And charged to a reckless potential;

But a rascal named Ohm

Conducted her home -

Her decline was, alas, exponential.



Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczinsky must surely have known --

That an intern is better

Than a bomb in a letter,

Of the possible ways to be blown



A flea and a fly in a flue

Were imprisoned, so what could they do?

Said the fly, "Let us flee!"

"Let us fly," said the flea,

So they flew through a flaw in the flue



At the party, some girls got out Twister

and I joined, although one was my sister.

It may be the drinks

But I heard "right hand pink"

And the only way out was to fist her.



Remember that artist quite quaint,

who swallowed some samples of paint?

All shades of the spectrum,

flowed out of his rectum,

with a colourful lack of restraint.



There once was a fellow from Xiangling

Whose greatest delight was in mangling

Poems. He would drop

Words between lines and lop

Their ends off, and leave readers dang



Though your poem's self-reference awed me,

I'll explain why I can't quite applaud thee --

Nerds enthralled by the gimmickry

flood the top list with mimicry.

(And for chrissakes, don't fucking upmod me)



Novels as limericks: 1984



Our Winston works hard for the State,

He meets Julia, goes on a date,

His thoughtcrimes come out,

He sees rats; turns devout,

Now he thinks that Big Brother is great.



I auctioned an item on eBay,

Whose description was true only halfway:

"Four legs and a back" -

Now, a seat it might lack;

But those words describe bobcats, now don't they?



There one was a poet named Rix

Who was also a hacker, for kicks.

His greatest construction

Ensured self-destruction --

The last line was ') DROP TABLE Limericks;--



A newspaper poet for Hearst

Deprived of his reason

By uncontrolled sneezing

Was by phantasmal demons coerced

To write all of his limericks reversed.



int factorial(int sum) {

if (sum == 1) return 1;

if (sum != 1)

return product(sum,

factorial(sum - 1)); }



There once was a girl named Jude,

Who's skirt by the wind was strewed.

A man came along,

And unless im quite wrong,

You expected this last line to be lewd.



There was a limerick I heard,

With stressed syllables quite awkward.

Rhythm was somewhat

Still present in it, but

It forced mispronouncing every word.



If a pendulum's swinging quite free

Then it's always a marvel to me

That each tick plus each tock

Of the grandfather clock

Is 2 pi root L over g.



There once was a man named Eugene

who invented a screwing machine.

Concave and convex,

it served either sex,

and played with itself in between.



There once was a half-elven bard,

Whose lute-ing was deemed avant-garde.

He considered it vogue,

To take levels in rogue,

And he'd lute you while you were off guard.



There once was a man from O'Doole

who discovered red spots on his tool.

He went to the doc,

who looked at his cock,

and said, "wipe off the lipstick, you fool."



There once was a man named Vegeta

Who thought he was quite a bit leeter.

Yet nine thou on the gauge

left him maddened with rage,

and he went and destroyed his own meter.



An architect fellow named Yoric

can, when he's feeling euphoric,

provide for selection

three types of erection:

Corinthian, Ionic, and Doric.



The sea captain's tender young bride

fell into the bay at low tide,

You could tell by her squeals,

that some of the eels

had discovered a good place to hide.



A Palindromic Limerick:



Tango-noter, a disc I peek at

In a temple: hot sin, a mad rat;

Ere we retard, a man

Is to help me tan;

I take epics, I dare, to no gnat.



The Hobbit condensed into limerick form:



A hobbit who came from the Shire

Set off with some dwarves to acquire

(With the aid of a ring)

A vast hoard of bling,

Amassed by a worm who breathed fire.



In searching for sex, John was stranded,

for his prick was corkscrewed when expanded.

His life was a hunt

for that helical cunt,

which he found ... but the thread was left-handed!



A dozen, a gross, and a score

plus three times the square root of four

divided by seven

plus five times eleven

is nine squared, and not a bit more!



Fermat's famous last theorem was originally conveyed in limericks.



(All variables raised to the Z)

For all ints: sum A, B is C;

Int Z more than two,

Can not ever be true.

The proof: No more room. Q.E.D.



There was a young whore from Kaloo

Who filled her vagina with glue

Said she with a grin

"If they pay to get in,

they can pay to get out again too!"



There once was a young man from Kent

Whose dick was so long that it bent

So to save himself trouble

he folded it double

And instead of coming he went



In the Garden of Eden lay Adam

complacently stroking his madam

and great was his mirth

for on all of the earth

there were only two balls, and he had 'em



A lady performer in yellow

Enthralled a salacious young fellow.

He thrust a reward

Through her G-string, and... Lord!

He broke the string right off her cello!



I used to find Slashdot delightful

But my feelings of late are more spiteful

My comments sarcastic

The iconoclastic

Keep modding to +5 (Insightful).



Since your poems are clumsy and shite,

No longer can I be polite:

Come on you fucktard,

It's really not hard,

to get the damn syllables right.



Old Satan left Hell in a rush

to see his wife give one last push.

"Oh God!" She exclaimed.

"I can't take the pain!"

And that's how we got Dubya Bush.



There was a Soviet captain named XXXXXXXXXX

Who was a XXXXXXX technician in XXXXXXXXX.

He was XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For failure to clear

Limericks with his superiors.



A poem had readers quite smitten;

'twas the dirtiest verse ever written,

Vulgar jokes, sexy themes,

Readers burst at the seams,

But with each reading God killed a kitten.



The army had intricate plans,

but found victory snatched from their hands.

"You've run out of time,"

said their foe, "because I'm

in ur base, and I'm killing ur mans."



A poet whose friends called him Steve

Once showed quite a will to achieve

His skill grew so strong

That his poems grew long

And he sadly was forced to abbrev.



There once was a man name of Enis

Who with limerick writing was genius

wrote one thousand thirty

not one of them dirty

til he noticed his name rhymed with penis



There was a young man from Kildare

who was fucking a girl on a stair.

The banister broke,

but he doubled his stroke,

and he finished her off in mid-air.



Said the nun as the bishop withdrew:

"Not bad for a bishop, it's true,

But the prick of the vicar

Is slicker and thicker

And two inches longer than you."



If A equals B (so I say),

And we multiply both sides by A,

Then we'll see that A squared,

When with AB compared,

Are the same. Remove B squared. Okay?



Both sides we will factorize. See?

Now each side contains A minus B.

We'll divide through by A

Minus B, and ole!

A plus B equals B. Oh whoopee!



But since I said A equals B,

B plus B equals B, you'll agree?

So if B equals one,

Then this sum I have done,

Proves that two equals one. Q.E.D.



Let's examine the memes of the day

I can haz Cheeseburger's okay

2 Girls gagging shit

sure beats Leeroy's lame bit

ORLY YA RLY NO WAI



A decrepit old gas-man named Peter

Whilst hunting around for the meter

Touched a leak with his light,

He arose out of sight,

And as anyone can see by reading this, also completely destroyed the meter.



Ther once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all,

And now he's a college professor.



A student as smart as could be

Had to integrate x to the 3

He said "x to the 4

over 4, I am sure"

But was off by a constant of C.



There was a young chemist from Ryde,

Who drank a foul poison and died.

It was ortho-hydroxy-

para-methoxy-

tri-nitro benzaldehyde!



While I sat with the Duchess, at tea,

She inquired: "Do you fart when you pee?"

I replied "Not a bit.

Do you belch when you shit?"

And I felt that was one point to me.



A father's geometry kid

in math class said, "Look what I did!

I've understood well

rules for lines parallel!"

Said the father, "Here's looking at Euclid!"



There once was a writer whose fanfic

Was enough to make even Japan sick.

Her slashfic (Link/Ganon)

Was clearly non-canon;

In the games, Link's not hungry for man-dick.



A challenge for many long ages

Had baffled the savants and sages.

Yet at last came the light:

Seems old Fermat was right--

To the margin add 200 pages.



A lovely lass, Sarah O'Malley

Got caught kissing boys in the alley.

Her poppa was mad,

He said she was bad,

So now she's off smooching with Sally.



A bitter limerick connoisseur

Distressfully said "I concur

there's no start more rank

than 'There once was a blank'.

That's something that we must deter."



A couple named William and Ellie

spent their honeymoon belly-to-belly,

because, in their haste,

they'd used library paste

instead of petroleum jelly.



A sperm faced, alack and aloof,

his moment of sexual truth

expecting to fall

on a uterine wall,

he fell to his death on a tooth



A filthy and foul-mouthed young man

Writes limericks like all-too-few can

Heaps of cunts, shit and cocks

For cheap, prurient shocks

But the fucking things rhyme and they scan



There once was a young boy named Ender;

The kid was mankind's last defender.

He blew up a planet,

Leaving nothing but granite,

But was only a first-time offender.



Famous books rewritten as limericks: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy



In PJs, no planet, oh poo!

What is the last earthman to do?

In despair with no tea,

he's now forced to flee

as his brain now explains 42



There once was a lady from Trent

Whose nose was most horribly bent

One day I suppose

She followed her nose

And nobody knows where she went



A mathematician called Klein

Thought the Moebius strip quite divine.

Said he "when you glue

The edges of two,

You'll get a weird bottle like mine."



A mortician who practised in Fife

Made love to the corpse of his wife.

"How could I know, Judge?

She was cold, did not budge--

Just the same as she'd acted in life."



There once was a Minister's daughter

who hated the pony he'd bought her,

'til she found that it's dong

was as hard and as long

as the prayers that her father had taught her.



There once was a man named Sweeney,

who somehow spilled gin on his weenie.

Just to be couth,

he added vermouth,

and then slipped his date a martini.



<Lee_M> There once was a man called The_Taker,

<Lee_M> And everyone knew he was faker

<Lee_M> Than a frozen-o'er hell

<Lee_M> Or a lively death knell

<The_Taker> C-C-C-C-C-C-Combo Breaker!



>>> #340:

>>> Though cleverly writ it may be

>>> if the admin's offended, you see

>>> your verse they will censor -

>>> you'll have no defense, for

>>> your limerick no-one will see.



>> #343:

>> I'm the DB admin you emailed

>> to complain that your rights were curtailed.

>> 'Twasn't moral objection

>> that caused your rejection,

>> but how badly at meter you failed.



> #345:

> The "e" there in "emailed" quite gets me

> and also "it wasn't"'s crammed badly

> and "database admin" can't be

> four syllables, why won't you see?

> I'm doubting myself now though, sadly.



Well, it's "DEE bee ad MIN" in my speaking,

but I welcome your friendly critiquing.

See, I'm just dithyrambic

that your feet aren't iambic.

(These submissions would send you off shrieking)



A tutor who tooted the flute

tried to tutor two tooters to toot

said the two to the tutor,

"is it tougher to toot, or

to tutor two tooters to toot?"



The integral sec y dy

From zero to one-sixth of pi

Is the log to base e

Of the square root of three

Times the sixty-fourth power of i



I love clever linguistic connection

and a pretty young lady's affection,

while those things I adore

what I'd like so much more

is some velociraptor protection.



To the skeptics I say, oh come off it.

Your aluminum hat? You can doff it.

To me it's a riddle

Just what's in the middle

But I'm sure that the last step is profit.



LOLcats you might think are silly;

they're in ur fridge, eatin' ur chili.

But nothing is worse

or as blatantly terse

as that snowy owl asking, "O RLY?"



while( yourMom.isUpOn( me ) )

{

me.hit( yourMom, Mood.GLEE );

}

yourMom.giveCash();

yourMom.slapAss();

throw new OhShit( new STD() );



A Peruvian farmer named Bruno

Said, "Loving is something I do know:

"Ladies are fine,

"Little boys are divine,

"But the llama is numero uno."



Regarding the coming election,

I have carefully weighed my selection,

Mrs. Clinton's too old

And McCain leaves me cold,

But Obama gives me an erection.



There once was a man from the Keys

Who said to his girl, on her knees,

"It would give me great bliss

If while playing with this

You would pay some attention to these."



I wonder who reads these submissions

And decides which would make good additions

To a list so diverse

With some better, some worse

And some that defy definition



A verb invited a noun over to dine,

And they shared a fine bottle of wine,

The verb couldn't wait;

He said, "Let's conjugate!"

But sadly the noun did decline.



Seven ages: first puking and mewling,

Then very pissed off with one's schooling,

Then fucks, and then fights,

Then judging chaps' rights,

Then sitting in slippers, then drooling.



(Famous poems: Do not go gentle into that good night)



There was an old father of Dylan

Who was seriously, mortally illin'

"I want," Dylan said

"You to bitch till you're dead.

"I'll be pissed if you kick it while chillin'."



My foreshadowing I write distinctly,

Denouement, I can write in a blink, see,

And when irony beckons,

I can write it in seconds,

But I can't finish limericks succinctly.



...Wait.



While browsing one-handed on-line

And approaching that moment sublime,

The blue-screen of death

Caused an intake of breath.

Linux gets you your pr0n every time.



My dog, who's a charming young pug,

Started mating with part of the rug,

I filmed my dear pet

Put the clip on the net,

And now my dog's dick's getting dugg.



What I'd love is a wormhole in space

in a very particular place.

I'd try to contrive it

so one end's at my privates

and the other's attached to my face.



There once was a man from Australia

Who's limericks were a bit of a failure

He'd be doing fine

Until the fifth line

But then... urm... damn



Books as limericks: Dune



There's a planet, Arrakis: it's dry,

There's melange (it's a spice, gets you high),

The plots and intrigue

Meet round Paul Muad'dib,

The sequels are poor - don't know why.



There was once a lawyer named Rex,

who was small in the parts used in sex,

When charged with exposure,

He replied, with composure,

"De minimis non curat lex."



Null vectors have zero projection.

So you ask, "What can be their direction?"

They point any which way.

"That's magic!" you say?

Not really; it's just misdirection.



You may deem all lim'ricks uncouth;

you could not be farther from truth.

Fulfillment is ample

to learn, for example,

just how to pronounce Don Knuth.



To find the best path 'tween two nodes,

which are linked by a network of roads

Dijkstra succeeds,

but if all that one needs

is Floyd-Warshall then that's what one codes.



Regarding "Hey Diddle Diddle"

Remember the Cat with his fiddle?

Did he know how they made

The strings that he played?

'Cuz they came from a relative's middle



There once was a man who could boast

that due to his low latency host

when blog posts went down,

he was always around

to sit down and type swiftly "FIRST POST"



Mario loves Princess so deeply;

He saves her from harm at least weekly.

But what would he do,

If Mario knew,

She was banging his brother Luigi?



Do all of you not get the verse?

An iamb, two anapests first,

then repeat, then two lines

each with an'pests two times,

then one more line just like the first!



A boy in Seville did spy

Through a bell-jar the kilo (SI).

He picked up the glass,

Took two-thirds of the mass,

And thenceforth jumped three times as high.



In silence I stood on the beach

Another world just out of reach

I looked at the sky

And wished I could fly

Mocked by a grey seagull's screech



There once was a girl named Irene,

who lived on distilled kerosene.

But she started absorbin'

A new hydrocarbon,

And since then has never benzene!



Ol' Farmer, MacDougal, that creep,

Had perversions extensive and deep

He'd oft put his hand in

His ovine companion

(I'm saying he fisted a sheep)



The Jeweler:



"Three rings for three Kings! Lords, they're done.

"Seven dwarves, of course (pardon the pun).

"Since you men will be dyin',

"I've given you nine."

"And you?" "Oh, I'll just keep the one."



There once was a man from Nantucket

whose walrus oh so luved its bukket.

One day walrus groaned,

it had just gotten pwned;

Said the lolcat "O HAI, I JUST TUK IT".



There once was a man from DC.

"More lim'ricks" was his decree.

In his humble abode,

he learned how to code,

and created the limerickDB.

