Why wait for tomorrow’s Anti-Corbyn headlines when you can have them today?

Since there are hundreds of anti-Corbyn articles flooding our senses all the time – we have also sifted through the articles that will be written soon to bring you five of the best.

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Corbyn to dismantle Lego Land

Killjoy communist and loony anti-santa Jeremy Corbyn is to dismantle Lego Land as soon his unelectable Labour Party gets elected. Sources in the so called “Corbyn family” have confirmed that kits of Lego assembled by innocent children were callously dismantled and put away to facilitate ‘tidiness’: a move reminiscent of the Iron Curtain savagery of the Soviet Union. These revelations have confirmed the nation’s worst fears about soon losing one of their most treasured leisure parks….

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Corbyn refuses to sing the Macarena

Peace maniac and music deviant Jeremy Corbyn wore a mis-matched suit to a disco today and refused to sing The Macarena! This is a slap in the face for a tune loved by the entire nation without exception. Did we fight a war so bogey man Corbo can urinate on 90’s pop classics? World World two veterans were quick to condemn the disrespect shown to devastated pop heroes Los Del Rio – “he wants a spell in the army that Corbyn fella – then he’ll sing for his supper!”

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Corbyn to invade Cornwall

Sources inside the sinister Corbyn ‘family’ have confirmed that they plan to invade Cornwall. “We like to go to Cornwall,” confirmed his mad wife Laura Alvarez “..it gets us out of the house.” In a move reminiscent of the mafia, Jeremy ‘The Godfather’ Corbyn is planning to take members of ‘the family’ to cement his nefarious power by invading the beaches of St Ives in a swoop codenamed ‘bucket and spade’ . This move is likely a response to the heroic single handed liberation of Cornwall by sacred super-being David Cameron. Will Mr Cameron’s cool courage and dignity in the face of fire be enough to defeat Corleone Corbyn in the chip shops of Cornwall? Send in the army!

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Corbyn to ban women

Silly female Angela Eagle (Shadow Secretary of State) has been elaborating on Jeremy Corbyn’s plans to phase out women by 2025. “He has no intention of doing anything of the kind – what is this ludicrous nonsense?” – and then she went on and on, like they all do, calm down dear! All women will be rounded up and bussed to a giant 50’s style Butlins holiday camp on the Isle of Wight where they will be taught how to dust, iron, cook and shut up – a source close to the Daily Mail confirmed yesterday. “This is entirely untrue” said Shadow Secretary of State for Education: Lucy Powell. “our plans for the empowerment of women include…” then she rambled on for ages but our journalist at the scene had to check some football scores on his iphone and missed it. Editorial: Who can stand up to this potty Corbyn attack on our lovely ladies? I suppose Pinko Corbo would prefer us to all marry beefy Russian shot-putters?! Hands off our English maidens sir – unless you are pinching one of their lovely bottoms!

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Corbyn to outlaw football

It’s political correctness gone mad! Sources close to a convection heater today outlined how football will be re-shaped in the Corbyn dystopia of the future. Corbyn doesn’t believe in winning wars or competitive sport so all footballers will have to wear sandals, mismatched socks, Lenin type caps and exchange pleasantries instead. Since nobody is allowed to win in this new commie-kaze style of Michael Foot-Ball here is how the scores will look in 2020: Manchester United – 0 Liverpool – 0 (match abandoned due to outbreak of comradeship and consumption of Bennite Tea) Everton 11 (pairs of nice sandals) – Chelsea 5 (tins of baked beans) Norwich 4 (Maoist agricultural collectives) – Falklands 0 (handed over to the Argies) Trident 0 – Nuclear Arsenal – 0 People’s revolutionary sandal dancing co-operative (formerly West Ham) 4 – We’re all winners let have a big hug FC (formerly Millwall) – 4 How can we protect our national game from Corbyn and his Morris dancing henchmen? Sky Sports has already said it will not bid more than four pence for the rights to broadcast the new Clement Attlee Michael Foot(ball) League. the Football Association cup is to be renamed the Forego Animosity Cup and all offside flags are to be replaced by giant sunflowers. We would send in the army but sources close to a buzzing sound in a basement have confirmed that Corbyn is to disband the army and replace their tanks with Lego cars from the soon to be dismantled Lego land. God save us all! (see also : Atheist Corbyn to abolish God)

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See also: Top 10 anti-Corbyn media headfucks