Shockwaves were sent through the campus this week as news spread of the expulsion of Tim Howard from Southern New Hampshire University for three weeks after violating the college’s strict male-female intervisitation policies during an incident wherein he had sex with a soccer fan’s mom. Howard’s confession was captured on camera this weekend, with the dedicated student indicating to the young man holding the camera that he had “fucked [his] mother.” Further investigation suggested the confirmed fornication took place in Howard’s dorm room after the 10pm cutoff by which female students and their parents must clear the male rooms.

“Tim Howard has always been a great student. Early in his career he chose soccer over college, because the opportunity was just too good to pass up. But in the back of his head, he always knew he wanted to go back and get a degree,” said SNHU representative Libby May said when asked about the news.

“And then this dark disgrace befell him.”

Tim will be able to return to class in several weeks, but will be required to clean the dormitory bathrooms for the remainder of the semester.