10/8/14

On October 7th I received a book in the mail titled "The Disappearance of The Universe" and I'd like to thank whomever sent it. I've really been struggling in here, dealing with this seemingly out of the blue disaster that I have been blindsided by. My entire life I have fought "forgiveness", plotted revenge and fantasized about carrying it out...it was just my personality. Well, my entire life I have also been plagued with shit luck. No matter how much I thought I was trying to change, I was still ending up with the same results...my grandmother always told me that hate was poison; others have told me that "negativity" will attract more negativity... I labeled all of that faggotry and pushed on. Well, I'm done trying the same tactics that have failed me over and over again. I want to be happy; I want to live a happy life. Will forgiveness work like magic? I dunno, that'd be great if it did though. One thing it can't do, is hurt. In fact, I'm pretty sure it will most likely speed up my healing process either way. Maybe all of this happened just so that I'd make this one important change. I will apologize in advance if my lack of hate will make me less entertaining; but at the end of the day, where has my past attitude really gotten me? I read some Bible quote the other day: "It's easy to see a splinter in someone else's eye, but hard to see the log in your own." (Something like that) I have cheated on women, I have lied, I have hurt people, and I have slept with women in relationships. Nobody is innocent, we have all earned the pain we receive, and if you look hard enough, you will find it. When you find that you truly are the one responsible for it all, it really hurts, the guilt is devastating...forgiving yourself at that point then becomes even harder than forgiving the ones who originally "wronged you". If you are a fan of mine please don't harass Christy, just let her be. Don't respond to all the people spewing hate against me. If you're a fan of mine , just please analyze and learn from my situation, and apply it to your own life. I deserved this, she deserved this, he deserved this, and we are also all innocent at the same time. I just hope to one day have the opportunity to put this new way of thinking to use, out there in the real world. I can't wait until this court nightmare is over and I can begin the next chapter in my life. Thanks for all of your support, all the letters and books truly mean a lot. The court system is fucked up; let's hope their attempt at railroading me fails and that I only have to deal with the more realistic charges. To charge me with rape, attempted murder, burglary, and kidnapping...is just crazy.