You’re drunk and you stink and you love me. Must you tell me with your frothy lips half an inch from my nose, though? It smells like you ate a bag of shit dipped in tequila. And because you’re drunk I have to counteract the kindness and sincerity of your statement with the converse: I love you, ya fucking asshole! I love you, ya stupid faggot! I love you, but you guys suck donkey dick!

I haven’t been drunk since the mid-‘90s when I wandered into the New Orleans home of a young couple and puked on their living room rug on the way into their bedroom. Fortunately, they weren’t armed and guided me back to the street. Eventually, my guitar player found me and when he was done laughing, put me to bed. I felt for weeks like I had been poisoned and never had any desire to drink again.

I didn’t even remember the couple until years later when reading about Robert Downey, Jr. pulling a similar stunt in Los Angeles. It came back to me in a flood of revulsion. Now don’t get me wrong, I love to get fucked up, always have. Marijuana is my personal fave, but coke, heroin, pills, ecstasy, LSD, DMT, PCP, I’ve done them all. And I doubt I’ve been too brilliant on any of them.

But nothing matches the raw stupidity of a drunk. People on acid make inane observations. People on heroin rifle through handbags and sofa cushions, looking for spare change. People on weed talk about how stoned they got this other time they got stoned. None of it really passes for genius level activity.

But drunks take the cake in the annoyance sweepstakes, hands down. Every idiot that ever wanted to fight me was drunk. Every swerving, passing, honking car accident waiting to happen had a drunk behind the wheel. Every jerk off in the late-night drive thru that took fifteen minutes to order fries and a root beer was drunk.

I make my living in nightclubs and nothing makes the end of the night go slower than a drunk who thinks they’re amusing. They never are. And, usually, they own the nightclub so I have to pretend that they are until I get paid.

That’s why I’m starting an online petition to reinstate the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution, commonly known as “Prohibition.” If this works, no longer will I be subjected to slobbering buffoons insulting my band and your intelligence. No longer will I endure the stupid observations, the obvious humor, the insufferable stench of alcohol as it courses through a moron’s bloated veins.

I’ll be free at last of the inebriated females who knock at the door of my hotel room at all hours of the night demanding three-way sex with me and their friends, I’ll be free of the…

Wait a minute, perhaps I’ve been a bit hasty here. It is summertime after all. Alcohol sales help boost the economy. Booze is one of our only exports. And doctors have found that wine has lots of anti-oxidants, beer assists in white blood cell maintenance, and a nice aperitif can aid in digestion.

Ladies, have a drink on me!

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BLAG DAHLIA - Rock Legend

August 2012

Blag Dahlia sings for the Dwarves (www.thedwarves.com) and podcasts at RadioLikeYouWant.com