I will be the first to admit that I completely underestimated the underground network and grassroots efforts of the Mouse Community. “Tom and Jerry” cartoons projected the notion that Jerry worked alone and it was every mouse for himself in this cat-eat-mouse world. Not until the recent salmonella-infested peanut butter products were recalled did I realize that “Tom and Jerry” was propaganda homespun by the Underground Mouse Network.

Why those dirty rats; I thought I had smelled something.

Before the King Nut Companies recalled its peanut butter products a few weeks ago, I had been baiting my mouse traps with peanut butter, which proved successful. That was before the “Peanut Butter Scare” media blitz hit and now mice won’t touch my peanut-butter-baited traps with a 34-and-a-half foot pole.

The mice knew. Peanut butter could kill you — one way or another.

But how they knew remains a mystery. The night the recall announcement was made felt like a déjà vu of Christmas Eve: Nothing stirred, not even a mouse.

I had no other choice but to either use new bait or buy a better mouse trap. And believe me you, given the plethora of ways you can kill or catch a mouse these days, the latter is no easy task. The French, in an attempt to help Americans – namely PETA members and Mickey Mouse Club alumni – whitewash their consciences, have developed a line of feel-good Catch & Release traps.

If you’ve never seen one of these, they work something like this. You set the trap, which is usually baited with some type of perfumed scent that begins with L’eau (the water). Once the mouse, who thought he was about to get lucky and score at the local meat-market, is trapped and the abduction process begins. Captors are instructed to throw a washcloth over the caged mouse, so they become disoriented and throw them in the trunk of your car, which will transport the rodent to an undisclosed location. While driving, captors should crank up a classic rock station, further disorienting the mouse as a means of deprogramming its homing instincts.

To ensure the abducted rodent’s homing mechanisms are completely sabotaged, captors should cross at least two rivers before dropping the mouse off in a ditch along a rural dirt road in an area that has been designated by the R.C.L.U. (Rodent Civil Liberties Union) as a safe haven for un-naturalized rodents. Because these areas have been designated as no-fly and no-slither zones, mice and their rodent ilk will be protected from their second-tiered predators (hawks, eagles, snakes, etc.).

Critics argue that this type of Catch-and-Release Program is not only inhuman but has concerns about creating a safe-haven for rodents, when there is a need to fill the jobs in the food chain that nobody else wants: Low-end Prey.

On the other hand, Rodent Abolitionists have adopted a much harsher eye-for-an-eye (or piece-of-cheese-for-your-life) stance when it comes to illegal rodents invading our homes. They prefer catching the mice, putting them on trial, then killing them, so they are no longer pose a threat to our society.

The problem with the plan is that it is a costly undertaking, not to mention the process will take too long because of all the bureaucratic trappings. Personally, I’m not about to wait for a series of appeals, stays of execution, and for the mouse’s DNA results to make sure it matches the droppings inhaled from the tip of my sinus sprayer, which I believe the accused was using as a makeshift bidet. By the time the mouse if formally executed, I could have bought 100 new mouse traps and bred several colonies of mice.

Some rodent hardliners have suggested building walls around our homes to keep the mice out, but if Jerry has taught us anything it’s: “If there is a will there is a way.” Just ask Tom

No thanks, I prefer an old-fashioned mouse trap that quickens the entire process. For now, I will bait the traps with the traditional lure of L’eau de Cheese, at least until the Salmonella Peanut Butter Scare dies down — thus placating the grassroots efforts of the Mice Network.

(Note: All thoughts of violence toward mice not included in this post were bottled up, transported across two bodies of water and released into the wild, where they are sure to procreate and exponentially breed little thoughts of violence toward mice.)