As a cisgender male whose whiteness intersects with strong German engineering skills and an Italian aptitude for working long hours and creating culinary masterpieces, I’ve always found myself succeeding at life.

But let me tell you, it’s lonely at the top.

Growing Up Alone and Privileged

I’ve experienced little happiness in my ascent to society’s top tier. I’ve always resented my privilege. It’s been one long joyless ease.

Growing up, all of my friends would get together and bond over the prejudice and oppression they faced in society, while they assured me I never faced any obstacles at all. Sure, my father had cancer and my mother beat the soles of my feet with bamboo reeds when I walked too loudly near her bedroom, but nevertheless, the fact that I rose from lower middle class to upper middle class over a 20 period only served to prove my privilege and verify my friend’s assertions.

It’s true everything always came unimpeded to me. Every math test, fancy pasta recipe, and college paper manifested from my soul into the world fully-formed and of average quality. Twas’ quite a burden to live in such ease.

Whenever the police pulled me over for speeding, they always let me off with a warning, citing my sad eyes and polite manners as the reason for their leniency. But I knew it was really just my white man-ness. It really made me feel like an outcast. And that’s only the beginning.

Searching for My Oppressor

As a result of the isolation I felt as a white cisgendered male growing up in America, I’ve spent great portions of my life searching for an oppressor and creating narratives for how I’d been victimized by society, but nothing stuck.

I mean, the Italians had a hard time when they first came to America, but nobody really cares about that. And the Germans were slaughtered and oppressed by the Romans for centuries too, but alas, I found sympathy lacking. In a Hail Mary attempt I even sent my DNA to 23andme.com who informed me that I have 3% neanderthal genes! At first, I thought I’d really found something. After all, the Homo Sapiens had committed genocide against Neanderthals. I assumed that since Native Americans received victim points for genocide, I would too! But, once again, I ended up wanting.

My struggle with privilege has been a difficult road to tow. As a muscular, tall man who watches what he eats, exercises regular, has a larger than average penis, full head of hair, plays multiple instruments, and gets along with everyone, I’d long wracked my head against the wall over how I could belong. I even tried to claim victimhood over being an atheist for a little while, but then a few prominent atheists had to go and criticize muslims for making women wear bags on their heads and now everyone rightfully feels bad for muslims and hates atheists! I just couldn’t win!

But finally, after a lifetime of feeling left out, ostracized by my fellow citizens, and pointed to as a social pariah and the only non-oppressed intersectional composition on Earth, I found my ticket. It’d been sitting right in front of me the entire time.

Accomplishing Victimhood

You see, since everyone is united by their own unique victimhood narratives except for me, I realized that I was the victim of social exclusion!

At last! I can point my finger at the other and cry “for shame!” It’s all I ever wanted!

I am oppressed by the oppressed! It’s so simple!

The best part is that I’m now in a forever win-win situation. Either I remain the only un-victimized class in society and thus the victim of social exclusion, or academic theory is revised and I’m permitted to be victimized in some way, in which case I still remain a victim!

Never again shall I be unoppressed and alone!

It used to be lonely at the top, but not anymore! I am one with the people!