According to Foreign Policy, "Ukraine's volunteer battalions are not undermining the state — they're saving it." Sounds reasonable

Your Moscow correspondent has read approximately 10 gigabytes of Ukraine/Russia-related Internet guano in the last six months alone. Don't pity us — it's our job. But after trying to digest Alexander Motyl's recent tour de force in Foreign Policy...Maybe it's time to quit our job? We're kidding. Maybe.

Motyl is a hotshot historian who is tired of hearing about Ukraine's so-called "problems": Like the insolvency problem; or the "most corrupt nation in Europe" problem; or even the "private armies running around with guns and zero accountability" problem — which is the least problematic problem of them all, according to Motyl.

Young democrats vowing to protect European values / Photo by MS Paint

Ukraine's volunteer battalions aren't undermining European Values — they're saving them. Let's see how Motyl came to this mind-numbing conclusion:

Sweet, sweet mercy. Biletsky comes across as a "hardline Republican"? Pop quiz! Who once wrote:

The historic mission of our nation in this critical moment is to lead the White Races of the world in a final crusade for their survival. A crusade against the Semite-led Untermenschen.

a) Sun-shriveled warmonger John McCain

b) Andrii Biletsky, leader of the creatively-named Social-National Assembly

c) Adolf Hitler

The answer is "almost all of the above". ("Alexander Motyl is a chump" is also an acceptable answer.)

As for the 30 or so Nazis who bring dishonor to the Boy Scouts who serve in Azov battalion...

Incredible! All the Nazis in just two photographs. (Do you like our "Nazi paint-by-numbers"?)

A final thought on this subject: When Democratic Representative John Conyers proposed an amendment to the 2015 National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that would have forbidden US assistance, training and weapons to neo-Nazis and other extremists in Ukraine,

staffers from the ADL’s Washington office and the Simon Wiesenthal Center rejected the amendment on the grounds that right-wing Ukrainian parties like Svoboda with documented records of racist extremism had “moderated their rhetoric.” An ADL lobbyist insisted that “the focus should be on Russia,” while the Wiesenthal Center pointed to meetings between far-right political leaders in Ukraine and the Israeli embassy as evidence that groups like Svoboda and Right Sector had shed their extremism.

So Kolomoisky's support of Azov isn't that strange when you consider that even the Anti-Defamation League has whitewashed the group. Pretty spectacular. But this is a different topic, for another time.

On to the next worst paragraph ever written:

What number comes to mind when you hear "a few"? More than 2, but less than 5? Maybe 6, if it's your birthday and you are feeling very generous? Wrong. Take the wheel, Wikipedia:

Yes, in an attempt to downplay Right Sector, Motyl has used the tried-and-true tactic of a slobbering drunk pulled over with a dozen empties in the back seat (Police Officer: "How many drinks have you had tonight, sir?"; Motyl: "A few").

We can't really figure out why Motyl even feels the need to obscure the size of Right Sector. After all, isn't it nothing more than a friendly anti-corruption civic group with an anodyne ideology that "borders on fascism" (according to Time magazine)? Regardless, we appreciate that Motyl has highlighted Dmytro Yarosh's commitment to "better governance." If better governance existed in Ukraine, Yarosh would be in prison for illegally raiding an Interior Ministry arsenal and then refusing to return the military-grade weapons he pinched for himself and his band of balaclava-monkeys.

Surely Right Sector is living proof of Motyl's thesis: Mobs of illegally-armed psychos are a cornerstone of every stable democracy.

A head of lettuce could debunk the rest of Motyl's piece, so we're jut going to paraphrase the rest of his "arguments":

Stop whining about war crimes committed by volunteer battalions. They're not that bad.

Kolomoisky's armed raid on UkrTransNafta's headquarters was unusual but not particularly foreboding.

Stop"hyperventilating" about Ukraine. Everything is fine!

Close your eyes and try to imagine an insolvent, bankrupt nation in the midst of a civil war. Now imagine that this country is crawling with private armies and volunteer battalions which do not answer to the government. In fact, these paramilitary groups have their own command headquarters and talk openly about marching on the capital once they've finished mopping up the unruly civilians in the East.

What would a level-headed, rational person say if this hideous nightmare came true?

"Those volunteer battalions are not undermining the state — they're saving it!"

Take a bow, Foreign Policy.