Name: Tuning fork.

Age: Invented just in time for Christmas.

Function: Tearing an interdimensional hole through the very fabric of reality.

That doesn’t sound like fun. It isn’t fun. It isn’t fun at all. It goes against everything that is true..

Don’t be dramatic! It’s just a tuning fork. It’s not just a tuning fork. It’s a £58 tuning fork and rose quartz crystal kit. When struck against the quartz, the fork produces a frequency that amplifies the healing properties of crystals.

OK, it’s a bit expensive and a bit woo-woo, but I don’t see why you’re getting your knickers in a twist. That’s because I haven’t told you who’s selling it.

Who’s selling it? Marie Kondo.

WHOA! This changes EVERYTHING! I know, right? It’s appalling. This is a woman who made her name by encouraging millions to rid themselves of all unnecessary items. And now she’s selling a TUNING FORK that you BANG ON A ROCK. It is the least necessary item ever created.

Why is she selling it? Because Kondo needs her own brand of Goop-lite merch. There are 150 items in her online shop. There are vases and trays and a £155 tea container.

A what? A tub. It’s basically just a tub. The best one, though, is the £9 shiatsu stick. It’s literally just a tree branch that someone has whittled into a point. It’s literally just that. It still has bark on it and everything. It costs £9.

What if I touch it and it doesn’t spark joy? Then you can throw it out, I guess.

Why does this feel like brand sabotage? Because, I don’t know, a woman who built an army of fans by espousing the notion of living in an empty house is now actively asking the same fans to fill their houses up again, specifically with her stuff.

Has Kondo said anything about this? On her site she writes, “Once you’ve completed your tidying, there is room to welcome meaningful objects, people and experiences into your life”, which is pretty much what I just said.

It does seem quite well orchestrated, doesn’t it? Absurdly well orchestrated. It’s essentially the same as if Joe Wicks followed a weight loss book with range of butter-stuffed doughnuts.

I wonder what her next book will be? My guess is a guide to improving your life by chucking out all her merch.

Do say: “Discard anything that fails to spark joy in your life.”

Don’t say: “Specifically, discard it into this new handmade quartz KonMari bin (£600).”