First, I'd like to talk a little bit about myself. I'm going to give some personal details, though a little bit altered. I'd like to remain anonymous. The point of this article is for some catharsis for myself, and maybe to provoke some discussion about the difficulties of autism.

My interest in computers started when I got into first grade. I really enjoyed getting into the games in the computer lab. At home, that's really all that I did. If I had some free time, I was playing games. Go to school, learn a bit, then go home and play games. Simple enough.

My parents knew about my autism, but I didn't fully grasp it. What I did understand is that my world revolved around playing video games. I mostly stuck with RPGs because I could have the experience of playing as someone else for a time. I started to learn soon, though, that not everybody played games as much as I did.

Where it really started to be felt was when I turned 12 and went into middle school. People started being interested in each other...and I was still into video games. Around that time I realized that I should stick to interactions with younger kids. Those who hadn't discovered each other and who were still into video games.

I got beated up a lot in middle school. I was a skinny kid, and I didn't fit in with others. I was that weird loner that nobody talked to, aside from the handful of people that mentioned some interest in video games. I couldn't wait until high school, when maybe people would leave me alone.

High school came, and I got my wish. So many people got interested in each other or in college preparation. I became the chubby loner kid. I had a handful of people that I interacted with over my time in high school, but that was it. I stopped going outside, stopped trying to make friends with people after school.

By the time high school ended, I realized that I just wasn't the same as everyone else. Everyone around me had changed their interests and yet I stood still, as if frozen in time. No, it was worse than that. I was never invited over anywhere. Others, maybe they were.

By the end of high school, I had learned the basics of programming. I simply sat down one day and made it a point to learn it. What I worked on wasn't that special. I did some work to help port wxWidgets to a lesser-known language, and also the same for GTK. The projects were maintained by someone else, and I was just doing helping work.

College rolled around. The first time I went, it was lackluster. Despite having hundreds of people around me, I managed to not make any lasting friends. At this point I learned that I was different than other people. Most people get bored if I talk about my interests in slightly-obscure games by now, so I learned to tone it down. But maybe I did too much of that. I probably closed myself away from a lot of people without realizing it. My degree was in computer networking, but I never used it. I had no interest in networking.

College took about three years because I didn't have much of a passion for finding a real job and having to work with people. It's one thing to be around a small group of people and not fit in. But for me, loneliness really hit when you're around a big group and you don't fit in. I think that's what I was afraid of.

I did learn more about programming though. I worked on a fork of the language that I first learned, then dropped that after a year. I tried a telnet client, gave that up too after a year. C preprocessor? Lasted a few months, quit, threw away. How about a C analyzer? Same deal: Lost my interest, quit, threw away.

Eventually I had to get a job. An actual, real job. So I did. I got a job doing retail. I decided that, for the time being, it didn't matter if I got a job in software development. About a year after I started though, I decided to try my hand at writing a programming language.

Time can pass by pretty fast if you're not paying attention. Months, then years passed in retail. I plugged away work in my project. By now, I realized that there wasn't anyone who was going to share my interests, so I didn't bother. I probably came across as cold to other people. But I just don't know how to really talk about what I'm doing.

The more time passed, the more I drew in, the more the work that I did started to consume me. I guess it was the autistic focus that started creeping up. Truth be told, programming was my only interest, so it wasn't as if I was sacrifing anything. I just stopped playing video games as much and started focusing more on my code.

Eventually, I got tired of working in retail. As my language grew, I wanted to chase the dream. To work in software development was something that I wanted to do for a long time, and something which I would be trying again. But to make sure I would be completely committed, I decided to quit my job to search for a software development job.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I had a multi-year, well-documented project that was usable by others. I could create small programs with it, and it seemed to have potential. I had heard before that having a working project under your name is a big help.

After 2 months of searching for a software development job of any sort, I have become disillusioned. I don't fit in. I never made friends, online or in public. I don't talk much about my project, so few people use it. I worry about saying the wrong words, and then having to correct myself. It's hard to feel proud of a project when it just doesn't feel that I've done anything too exciting to talk about. Maybe I have, and I just don't realize it.

Or maybe it's what happened when I tried to get a job. The language I've made is entirely in C. It's not what a lot of people seem to be wanting, but I thought transferrable skills could be cool and all.

In two months, exactly 0 companies have asked for an interview. I have sent many many resumes, and signed up for every "We'll find the companies for you/we'll aggregate jobs for you" site that I can. Every one of them has given the same result. No interviews, just a lot of being ignored, falling through the cracks and "We hope you'll have good luck with your search." or "We don't think you'll be a good fit here."

It doesn't help that my own world has been rather limited. I've never had friends that I visit frequently, and I don't go outside that much. In fact, now that I've quit my regular job, my days are divided into being spent on more resumes, and coding. There's just nothing else that I do. I'm burning out only because of the weight of so many non-responses to resumes.

I can deal with my project not being popular. I can deal with failing interviews. But not getting interviews at all is crushing. But I know what they're thinking when they see my resume. "Biggest accomplishment is a language, no real experience, worked retail for years, no degree...no thanks." They don't bother.

I wish I could afford to go back to college and get a degree in programming, but my funds are running out. I'll be 30 in three years.

There's no happy ending to this. I've effectively given up any hope of finding a software job in my lifetime. I don't believe that the language I have made will ever be of use to anyone, but that isn't going to stop me. I need something to work on, to occupy my mind. But at the same time, I don't think a software job is in the cards for me.