TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I could’ve been trotting around the track this whole time,” said Powell, who explained that he learned about the slower form of running when he saw several joggers and, assuming that they needed help learning how to sprint, approached them and asked what they were doing. “I was blown away—all these years I thought the only way to run and get in shape was to move super quickly. It didn’t even occur to me that I could go at a much more enjoyable middle pace.” At press time, Powell had given up on running entirely after he discovered walking.

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