Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.



**Lineup Lams written before the latest Costa news**

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Carroll, Firmino, Can

IN (for -4 points): Crouch, Yaya, Ramsey

I can only imagine the look of horror on Alon’s face when he reads the opening transfer lines of this mail, but fuck it. It’s time to have some fun and go for flair, differential, and sex. Yaya I shouted on the pod as a dead cert to come in. I’ll have those pens and I think he will be a key player for Pep over the near term. I think he’s sort of a bargain although the stats from open play haven’t been incredible, they never are with YYT. But, he’s one of my favorite players and I’m happy to have him in FPL as I always have been. Hoping he can chip in with the odd open play tit and pens will buoy his value so let’s fuck.

Ramsey is sort of an insane pick, but his stats were pretty good last game, he scored in the FA Cup so is maybe finding some form, and is completely nailed with Santi dead as he will be either partnering Shocka or playing on the wing possibly. I think he usually is a better shout for returns when Giroud is in the side and I’m backing Ramsey for some points in this burst of nice fixtures. It really is a case of fixtures over form, and is high risk high reward, but we’ll see how it goes. Another player I love and always enjoy having him in FPL.

Finally, Carroll to Crouch was my makeweight for funds. It’s fucking crazy, and I get that, but I am doing this with two things in mind. 1: at Sundy with their whole team in Africa is a tasty proposition for the 8 foot giant after news of Jon Walters having knee surgery and every other striker human basically in Africa or dead…and 2: I might look at going 352 in a couple weeks after the Chelsea v Hull game. I really, really didn’t want to lose either Costa or Hazard right now and I needed money to get the midfielders I wanted. Carroll is a fucking piece of shit and with Payet gone with bad fixtures I felt that he was an even more useless person in life than usual. Plus I won’t have to root for him getting points against Palace tomorrow. I am a little worried about my team for the following gameweek, but, after Chelsea play Hull I will reassess which of Hazard and Costa I would like to keep and plan accordingly by either upgrading De Roon to someone good or re-upgrading Crouchy to someone actually good. It’s risky, but I’ve been sucking, so whatever the fuck. Plus, if I get Crouch points, I win at life.

GK: Heaton solo. I am supremely excited for him in game 3 in my side to finally have me breaking even with the hit I took to get him in for Fuckford (3 points in 2 games - 4 = fuck me)

DEF: FINALLY back to playing 3 defenders….and I can only assume that the week I bench Holebas will be the week he gets a double digit return but they could be playing a mid-table Championship side and I wouldn’t want to start a Watford defender right now. Home Boro is as good as it gets but he’ll be sat first on my bench. I’ll be trotting out Alonso, Baines, and VVD this weekend. Not sure what will come of these three and could easily see anything from 5 points to 30 points. Feels pretty solid at this time though and I’m glad to keep my price structure in tact at defense with three fairly heavy hitters. Rose is looking tasty and I will be excited to see if Poch keeps the 352. If so, I suspect Rose will find his way into my group soon…possibly for Van Fuck. A concern for another day.

MID: New friends! If Jags is on the Everton team sheet then Yaya is basically nailed on for a double digit pen + bap game so please tit me Koeman. Hazard in a dreaded away game - we’ll see if I get something from him this weekend against a tightened up Leicester side as of late. He’s been frustrating but he’s still averaging 5ppg over the last four which is not horrible but from a 10m+ guy you want more than that. Surely I do. Anything less than 15 points out of these next two games (lei, HUL) will be a big let down. Finally, my new double Arse mid of Alexis and Rambo go to Swansea where they will hopefully destroy and pillage. Rambo in is one of my biggest rogue transfer feels of the season and a trip to his native Wales in his inaugural game for team Walsh seems very treatful to me. If Arsenal put up a crooked number on the scoreboard I think I'l be laughing.

FWD: Ibra and Costa stay - not much to say about them boys. New toy and tallest giraffe savage fuck Crouchy accompanies the heavy hitters. I had seen a couple of rumblings from Stoke fans wanting N'Goy to play instead of Crouch, but I can’t imagine Sparky playing a teenager away to the Stadium of Light when Crouch has two from two in his last two league starts. They were dire in the FA Cup and got bounced but hopefully they will show up against a very depleted Sundy side and bang a couple of goals.

CAP: Alexis. Not much to think about or say on this front. A prime away game for him to terrorize Alfie Mawson and sons. He’ll be runaway captain of the weekend and hopefully he comes in with a double return.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: Costa, Carroll, Payet

IN: Giroud, Lukaku, Stanislas

*BREAKING NEWS COSTA IS A TWAT AND NOT TRAVELING TO LEICESTER AND HIS FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN YESSSSSSSS*

I talked on the pod, and have been for a few weeks now, at length about Chelsea and their attack from the FPL perspective. I just don’t think they offer value, Costa and Hazard that is. You could sell me on Pedro being great value but I don’t have the luxury spot to go for a punt with still several dickfaces in my team even after making three transfers in the shapes of Firmino and Siggy. So anyway I’ve taken Costa out after a long long while in my side, and a great job of hauling points for me. Cheers Diego thanks for the memories. Ollie Ollie Giiiiiroud and Arsenal’s fixtures come into the side accompanied with the news of Walcott being dead gives me the feels for Le Donq. I think he has an extremely high ceiling for the next month+, higher then that of Costa and I’m saving 2 million there. Though it must be said there’s still a small percent chance he gets dropped. Don’t fuck me Arsene please.

Carroll for every reason on Earth needs to be fucked off ASAP. He’s been shit, West Ham have been shit, and as Walsh highlighted above the recent transfer request handed in from Payet just means he’s that much worse to own. They have no one else in their squad who’s naturally a creator and Andy, piece of donkey shit, absolutely needs a creator to feed him as he will not create his own chances. Here sums it up quite nicely: West Ham on the season as a team have 204 chances created total. Payet has created 73 of them… that’s 35.7% of their chances. Fuck off Andy.

And yes Payet the above lad. I was all al dente on the pod about getting rid of Siggy but Payet decided to fuck Bilic and the Hammers off has forced my hand to move Dimi instead. Fine with it, I wanted to lose both in the coming weeks anyway. Payet out left me a lot more money to play with for the midfield replacement and I flirted with Raz, Pedro, Phillips, Redmond, but I ended up following my gut with Stanny. He leaves me money for the future transfer outs of Siggy/Firmino and I think he’s finally fit. And again as mentioned on the pod his points per start are phenomenal. Bourne, have three absolute joyous fixtures coming in hul, WAT, CPL. So, yeah, let’s do it Stan the man.

GK: I only have one GK and am monogamous in this moment. Lee Grant tit me.

DEF: I, like Walsh, am also benching Holebas. It’s gotten to pretty ridiculous territory with Twatford as they haven’t kept a cleany since GW10 and I’m sick of getting between -1 and 2 points from Holes. Sure he can come good with an assist here or there but it feels like their defense is too bad even against Boro to trust. Negredo will probably accidentally score some dickfuck goal off his shin… Rolling out Phil Jones even against Liverpool seems kind of mad at first but we know what Mou does against top teams and what he does is shut down shop. Case in point earlier in the season in the NW Derby United were fully parked and it was 0-0 at Anfield. So I’m playing my best guys and seeing what happens. Though if Liverpool fucking do them and Phil Jones ends up with -1 points I won’t be mad either :)…. Other two gents pick themselves in Alonso and Bainesy. Alonso had his little fitness scare which seems over based on Conte, and Bainesy has this one bad fixture before a nice run. I love left-backs and I love sexy fucks, and they both tick these boxes.

MID: New friend Stanny I’m truly very excited to own. Feels to me like these next three fixtures he has an extremely high ceiling and can hopefully fucking hugely outscore my sworn enemy in Matty Phillips. Stan has good if not better stats and I think Phillips’ chances created to assists ratio is a little fucking haywire right now. He will come back down to Earth, though I still rate him it must be said. Amazingly the other three mids in my side have been there for fucking ever. Amazingly also Firmino and Siggy have scored a combined 33 points in the last five gameweeks so fucking fuck me (Firmino’s draught goes a lot further back). But, alas, here I am, not being insane and taking -12s, calming myself, and getting rid of the 0 pointer Payet so hopefully these guys can get some fruits. If there’s anything good to say (a big if) it’s that Coutinho’s return maybe moves Bobby back to false 9 which would in my mind make him a good option again, and Siggy can score at anytime against anyone so fuck off Arsenal. Speaking of Arsenal Alexi is the third of the three aforementioned stalwarts. But he’s the good and consistent one and we all have him so nothing much to say there…

FWD: Wow an explosion in my frontline and it feels so fucking good. It feels to me at this point in the season that a 3-5-2 or three heavy hitting forwards is the way to go. There is no Chaz Austin type of guy who’s cheap as fuck and returning regularly, though you could argue for a Zlat/Costa/Defoe front line too and I’d not try to refute it. Anyway I’m in on heavy. My new front line of Zlatty, Lukaku, Giroud I think will last me at the very least 4-5 gameweeks and I think I can make a very cohesive argument for each of them being the best forward pick for this next 4-5 gameweeks. I really believe in this front line and I think backing it this hard with a power move of getting rid of Costa will net me a lot of points, a lot of team value, and most importantly a lot of overall rank places. So I’m confident now on a Friday. Who knows how the world will relentlessly fuck me on a Saturday. Time will tell.

CAP: Donkey man Ollie Giroud. I like him slightly more as a captain then Alexis when he’s playing up top and Alexis is wide left he’s just more consistent and gets more opportunities. Also on pens could bail me out you never know. Swansea are an absolute shit show and no matter what shit ass CBs they trot out there Ollie should have his way with them. Go on G.