Sound of Jeremy Corbyn kicking self for promising ‘no personal attacks’ shatters windows for 20 mile radius

The sound of Jeremy Corbyn kicking himself for promising “no personal attacks” in his style of politics has shattered windows for a 20 mile radius around the opposition party leader following allegations about David Cameron today.

Less than a week after instigating a new style of Prime Minister’s Questions, Corbyn, who has risen above personal smears against himself about everything from his vest to a relationship with fellow MP Diane Abbott, was reported to have wept uncontrollably for 11 hours before shouting in the mirror, “You idiot! What have you done? You could have crucified him with this!”

Corbyn then went on to make a list of all the really awesome puns he could have made at the next Prime Minster’s Questions, from asking about working mothers “bringing home the bacon” to the Prime Minister’s “ham-fisted” attempts to manage the economy.

“He put his cock in a dead pig’s head for fuck’s sake, and I’ve just got to stand there on Wednesday talking about the balance of payments deficit”, Corbyn moaned, before kicking himself repeatedly for 13 hours.

“Maybe I should be the one who resigns.”