re: United Airlines passenger removal procedural guidelines

Here at United Airlines we pride ourselves on a wonderfully fulfilling customer experience, no matter what that fulfilling experience may be, or for whom. When an opportunity arises to remove a passenger from the plane, our personnel go the extra mile to make sure it will be a moment to remember. As a United employee or airport security agent, please adhere to these strict guidelines.

For flight crew

1. Prepare the problem: If you’re going to remove someone from the plane, be sure that all passengers are already aboard, their luggage stowed, and their consciences comfortable in their sense of imminent departure.

2. Diagnose the problem: Announce that 4 passengers must relinquish their seats to United employees. Always remember that our employees matter so much more than our customers. Our algorithms indicated that we’d have space for our people, but the customers overbooked the flight, so they have to accommodate us for their mistake.

3. Don’t try too hard to solve the problem: Incentivize passengers to voluntarily forfeit their seats. Begin at 400 dollars and an iffy promise for a future flight. If there are no takers, offer 800. DO NOT OFFER ANY MORE THAN THIS AMOUNT TO THE GREEDY BASTARDS. We’re an airline for God’s sake, not a bank.

4. Exacerbate the situation: Inform the passengers that they will now be forced to participate in a social contract to voluntarily leave the flight if their seat number is randomly pulled from a pilot’s hat. Do not give any special consideration to their individual lives, especially if they have foreigny accents and claim to be a “doctor.”

5. Give a final ultimatum: When a passenger refuses to leave, do not show sensitivity for their personal circumstances. Stay rigid and unmoving. Do not try to problem-solve the issue in a more humane way. What’s important is that you’re right and they’re wrong and you don’t need to hear logical arguments from anyone.

6. Enforce your law: Make sure you call at least three large-bodied police or security guards. Make sure one is visibly jacked on testosterone and authority. Make sure he knows there is no other way–the passenger must be removed at all costs for the safety of the planet.

For officers

1. Grab them immediately: Come at the passenger with the full might of your body. Do not concern yourself with their possible medical condition. This must be a surprise attack. Yank with all your force without raising the armrest. His screams are just an act, fake news.

2. Make a show of it: Don’t bother treating this person as a human. Drag them down the aisle so that all can see. Go for effect and make sure their clothes start to come off. If it is a female passenger, grab her by the p—-. Don’t listen to the passengers telling you how horrible you are being, they’re just jealous of your muscles. Let them record the whole thing to later upload to Youtube. Any publicity is good publicity.

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