photos by tri vo

Him: Well hello there.

Me: Hi. How are you?

Him: I’m very well. How are you?

Me: I’m fine. Thanks.

Him: You’re probably wondering what a man clearly 20 years older than you is doing striking up a conversation in a bar…

Me: Not really. We’re sitting next to each other. I’m not going to barbeque you for being social.

Him: That’s a wonderful choice. Allow me to present my card. My name is Jack, and I do everything. I am therefore a Jack of All Trades.

Me: So your card says…

Him: I’m a singer… I have my own vodka… And I am a concierge to the world.

Me: Hm… what does that entail?

Him: Being a lot of things to a lot of people.

Me: Okay. I can respect that.

Him: You probably don’t know what to think of me. A very forward man in his mid-fifties dressed so flamboyantly…

Me: I’m amused. Where did you find an entirely red suit?

Him: It was custom made for me by a friend. I added the many pendants and broaches myself.

Me: Good call.

Him: Thank you. May I skip right to the point?

Me: Uh… Sure… I guess…

Him: I noticed you have very big hands.

Me: Ha. I guess I do.

Him: And in my experience -men with big hands are frequently big in other areas. Do you follow my meaning?

Me: My feet?

Him: Amongst other appendages that stick out, yes.

Me: Okay… I-

Him: And, well… I am an appreciator – nay, a connoisseur of the well endowed.

Me: Heh. You’re something else.

Him: You have no idea…

Me: I…

Him: Have you ever seen a snake disengage its jaw to swallow a large egg?

Me: On television. Not in person.

Him: It’s similar to that.

Me: I think I get where you’re going.

Him: Do you? I’m saying that I have no gag reflex.

Me: I know. I get it.

Him: I’m saying – It doesn’t matter how endowed you are. I can swallow you whole.

Me: That’s really clear. You’ve made that clear. I get it. So did you watch the Grammy awards?

Him: I’m looking for men with big hands that can appreciate a man of my talents.

Me: Okay. That’s very funny. You’re forward, and I appreciate your energy, but I’m probably just here to hang out and relax, buddy.

Him: You know what’s really relaxing?

Me: Oh Jesus…

Him: Having a mature friend who understands how to fully satisfy you without wasting a drop of your precious essence.

Me: What? This is by far the most bizarre proposition I’ve had in at least a week.

Him: Do you understand what I mean when I say ‘essence?’

Me: Yeah. I’m not an idiot.

Him: Sperm. I’m talking about sperm.

Me: I GET IT! I understand what you’re saying. Just… Let’s change the subject, okay?

Him: There’s no need to get hostile.

Me: I’m not trying to be hostile, but we’re in a public place, and I’m just trying to relax. I want to be friendly and not rude, but I also don’t necessarily want to have an audible conversation about how you can disengage your jaw like a boa constrictor, although – sidebar: that’s very impressive…

Him: Thank you. From one impressive man to another, I accept your compliment.

(pause)

Him: Did you watch the Grammy awards?

Me: No. I was just changing the subject.

Him: How big is your penis?

Me: Okay. We’re done. We’re not talking anymore.

Him: I was just changing the subject.

Me: Have a good night. Jerk.