WASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however, it’s just something you had to see for yourself,” said head researcher Laurel Devantez, trying in vain to describe not only the innovative fruits of their labor, but also the incomparable feeling of witnessing such a breakthrough come to light alongside her closest NASA colleagues. “We all definitely grew closer after experiencing this all together as a team. It completely upended our entire understanding of the material universe, but we tried explaining it to some other scientists and they were clearly just acting like they got it.” At press time, the NASA scientists were annoying other researchers by cracking up about inside terminology that could only be understood by those who knew the details of the discovery.

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