FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center, commonly referred to as Hell’s Hospital, finally surpassed Afghanistan’s infant mortality rate.

The rate improved dramatically once Hell decided to talk to literally any other medical facility outside of the Department of Defense network.

Col. John Melton, commanding officer of Hell’s Hosptial, gave a brief congratulatory speech over the intercom. “We had no idea you were supposed to sterilize equipment,” he said. “And we stopped running experiments on the patients here. Yeah, that second one was a real game changer. Go team!”

The dysfunctional medical facility has also recently decided to decrease its reliance on narcotics, Motrin, and duct tape for treatment. The results have been amazing, bringing misdiagnosis down from 79 percent to 73.5 percent in almost an eight-month period.

“We also realized there was a lot of good that could come out of listening and believing our patients,” Melton continued. “Who knew empathy wasn’t worthless bullshit, am I right? And guys, good job on the whole Motrin front.”

Hell’s Hospital has had its ups and downs. At one time, it experimented with a that allowed its janitors to use flow charts and choose-your-own adventure guides to diagnose the illnesses of patients in the triage area.

This state-of-the-art approach led to some amazing breakthroughs in care. But nothing is perfect and sometimes the janitors insist soldiers are just trying to get one over on the system. Like the time a woman’s appendix burst and the Hell janitors told her to stop faking it on the floor of the ER.

Or that one time Hell accidentally released a strain of herpes into the ventilation for six straight months.

Don’t worry. All of those janitors who messed up interpreting their flow charts have been fired. The janitor who tried to report the herpes through the system was fired, and then banned from working within the medical profession.

The doctors all still work there, though.

Accidental infections of service members with HIV is now at a historic low as well, but still well above the average for Chinese Uighur internment camps.