Not a whole lot of variety to these past couple of episodes. If Joe or Sam weren’t in the conversation or the topic of conversation, did the conversation even happen? As quickly as Tanner and Jade think they became the perfect all american couple, Joe and Sam became Bonnie and Clyde. Word slowly started to get out that Joe had been in contact with Sam before the show started mainly because Joe couldn’t keep his mouth shut around his boys. Then he tried denying it. Much like Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and all those other baseball players that were on the juice, the cover up has been worse than the crime. Rip that band-aid off, Joe. A simple, “Yes, I knew Sam was coming. I was interested in her and not Julia. I wanted a rose to stay”. Maybe throw in the fact that it was Julia that approached Joe when he had the date card. Owning up to this “scheme” would make you look better in the end, but it’s clear that Joe gives no fucks about how he’s perceived.

Our last episode left off with a to be continued in which Claire couldn’t take it anymore and excused herself before handing out her rose. Claire might be playing this a little backwards. If her angle is to be the bachelorette that ship is long gone. You don’t go on paradise and then hope to follow it up by becoming the ette. That would be like a thoroughbred going to stud first (paradise) and then run in the kentucky derby (ette). She eventually returns to the group and gives JJ her rose. I’m sure that decision wasn’t influenced by Chris Harrison and production at all. After all the roses were handed out we said good bye to Mikey T, Michael G, and Jonathan. No one cared that they left:

Since it’s been about 15 mins where everyone seemed happy and getting along it’s time to stir shit up. Julia thinks she’s found a father for her child in Joe but instead his dream girl Samantha walks in. And she looks good. She almost immediately chooses Joe to go on a date and everyone starts getting suspicious. Julia starts crying and getting consoled while Joe and Sam take part in a photo shoot. Joe takes off his shirt showing off his dad bod while Samantha is rocking some bikini. How does a guy like Joe get someone like her anyway? I’m not real sure how this whole dad bod thing works but those guys that do cross fit and shit like that seem to be wasting their time. I mean, he also looks like he starred in that short lived TV show that was based off of a Geico commercial. You know the one:

*How many of you knew one of them was Nick Kroll

His friends often refer to him as Joe-Magnon (like cro-magnon? cavemen? get it?)

Meanwhile, Claire is on the phone talking to someone back home and once again they cut in pictures that make it look like she is talking to a raccoon. We unfortunately didn’t get to see if it was coon and friends:

Next date card is for Carly. She of course chooses Kirk. Kirk is like, having second thoughts on this whole like, Carly thing. He like, isn’t sure like, he wants to spend his entire time in paradise hanging out with like, Carly. But then she calls up her brother who got married that day and Kirk like, gets super horned up and takes her to a hotel to bang it out. Went at it so hard he knocked those eyebrows up a few inches. He later describes her as a pinball machine. Did she let you grab both flippers while you sent your ball in there with a plunger? Did she make lots of sounds and start flashing when you finished / hit the high score? Did you become……the pinball wizard?



Dan is like, busy like, having a similar talk with Ashley S. The only difference is that Dan like, follows through on like breaking up with her. Ashley takes this in the only way Ashley can. She starts talking to things that can’t talk back to her. She plays with the birds and also lets crabs crawl over her. Ashley was last seen walking back with them to their lair and becoming a full on crab people:

Our next female to arrive is Megan. Megan is not very smart. She got lost on the way there and creeped locals out by asking weird questions. She struggled to communicate because she doesn’t speak Mexican. When she finally completed her journey to Chris Harrison she is wearing a “sabrero”. She still doesn’t know why she ended up with a Mexican hat instead of a big slice of pizza from sbarro. Megan has been hurt in previous relationships and is always cheated on. She naturally picks JJ to help continue this cycle. You’ll remember that JJ cheated on his wife and that is why he’s divorced. He also doesn’t have a job and it sounds like lives with his mom. JJ has no problem opening with this line to Megan. I’m pretty sure that has only ever worked for one guy:

Our last arrival is Amber. She goes on a date with newly detached Dan. She gave him a nice up skirt shot as they climbed some ladders in the middle of some sort of downtown area. They made out. Was boring.

We are winding down towards the end of the episode and guys still can’t let the Joe thing go. JJ is especially pissed and wants to fight Joe. Joe continues to give no fucks. How few fucks does he give? He wanted ABC to use this picture of him in their promos:

Everyone claims to be real good friends of Julia and want to stand up for her, but no one wants to take her on a date. The entire group has an opinion on how Julia should be treated and they are going to force that on Joe. Tanner is struggling with the fact that Joe and Sam communicated before the show. He just thinks that is terrible. It’s weird because I seem to remember him backing Kaitlyn as she brought on a guy during her season that she had spoken to before her season started. Her decision needed to be respected even though there were some people screwed over because of her actions. Joe doesn’t get that luxury because Tanner is busy white knighting and trying to impress Jade with his sensitivity. Fuck off Tanner.

We end without a rose ceremony and are left anxiously awaiting next week. Chris Harrison makes up for it though by giving us an extended preview of a “this season on paradise” clip. I am more than impressed because shit looks like it goes down. I didn’t think last season worked very well. This has been fantastic so far. I look forward to seeing more hearts broken and love triangles form in the coming episodes.

See you next week

- Nick