in December 2012, i had an awkward sexual encounter with Nishi. we had been cuddle buddies for a short while and there had been discussion of the idea of a "friends with benefits" type relationship if and when they might be ready to pursue it. one evening of cuddling ended up with them huddled up beside me giving me tummy rubs, their hand moving up and down throughout, dipping lower each time and at one point grazing my crotch. i read this as a signal that things were okay to continue and got fidgety and grindy and ended up grinding against their hand through my underwear. they didn't pull their hand away and continued to rub until i climaxed. they asked after the fact if "it was good" and said that it had "been a while since they touched a weenie". i asked if they were doing okay and they said yes. admittedly my next words were poorly chosen: "okay, i'm glad, i know you aren't stupid enough to lie about that". i had been referring to the fact that i know they've been in bad sexual situations prior and that i trusted them to make me aware if anything was wrong.

after this we didn't talk for a while. we both told our stories to mutual friends though (whether or not any of these friends are willing to speak up about what they were told is up to them alone. i will not drag others into this directly), and from what i've been told they generally lined up with the story i just told without my influence. however, upon Nishi posting about our relationship last month, their side of the story has changed drastically to include details including me grabbing their hand and putting it on my crotch. up until now, this had not been a part of it.

eventually we talked it over and agreed that it was poor communication on both of our parts – that i shouldn't take queues without full communication and need to be vocal about situations in advance, and that they needed to be upfront about how they actually felt about the situation. this was our mutual agreement and defined ways in which we'd better equip ourselves for whatever was next for us.

over time we grew close again and toward the end of the relationship i was involved with at the time me and Nishi became involved in a master / pet relationship. i was the master in the relationship and in this kind of thing, communication about everything is important. i made sure it was always at the forefront. i had known that what happened in December was a problem and that i couldn't let anything like that happen again, so we talked about things a lot. we talked about what we wanted to do and what we felt we were capable to do. there was a lot of teasing eachother and being playful about sex in general.

up until Rainfurrest 2013, we discussed more and more what we'd be comfortable with doing or wanted to do (we ended up not doing a lot of things we wanted to for comfort reasons). we kept teasing eachother, shared pics, fantasies, stories, etc for the duration.

Rainfurrest 2013 rolled around in September and we explored a lot of the sexual activities we discussed prior. there was a lot of "is this okay," "more of this / less of this," "do you want to do this," and communication was something i made important. as far as i could tell, based on the consent given, based on the way they would tease me with their body and pull me against them with their legs among other things, everything was great. the amount of times i looked into their eyes and saw them smile after we'd have any interaction reassured me that things were good and i had been doing the right thing by being communicative and clear.

i extended my visit just over a week and invited Nishi to come back to the hotel and stay with me. i was a sobbing mess at the time because of how much fun i had with them and how much i cared about them and how anxious i was about leaving so quickly. i'm aware of the influence my anxiety had in this situation. Nishi arrived back at the hotel smiling and bundled up and got unpacked again.

the days came and went and things were generally fun throughout. there were bumpy spots of stress and anxiety influenced by outside factors, but i had no reason to believe that i had done anything bad. one night we wrestled eachother in the nude on the bed and i was sure we both had a lot of fun doing it. they'd pin me down provacatively and relish in it, i'd try to pin back and accidentally hurt them doing it (i'm really bad at wrestling; in their recount of things i was "contorting their limbs painfully"), but if they said "ow" i'd let go immediately, apologize, and we'd continue.

they left me a note after RF reading "i'm not good w/ words, but i think of all the people i know, i feel closest to you. you've done a lot for me and i wouldn't existr if not for you and your presence. thank you for everything!" i had no reason to believe that anything was wrong at all. i was sure that our relationship was happy and healthy based on how things had gone and the indications i was given.

(full page: http://cl.ly/image/1c1V371o3929)

we remained in constant contact after that and they would occasionally talk about how much fun they had doing this thing or that thing during our visit and also admitted they thought they overextended their comfort sexually. i understood this and told them it's good that they told me so we can both be more comfortable next time. this was the only issue that was ever brought to my attention. other than that, things were as they were, and nishi continued to talk about the things they enjoyed doing, and teased me publicly / semi-publicly a few times as well, in streams, on secondlife, etc. they continued to express interest in being involved with me sexually despite anything that could have been wrong.

through October and November, Nishi continued to express interest in me as a sexual partner, and while they admitted to overextending themselves sexually, continued to reminisce on how good things were during my visit in September. here is a series of tweets that i should probably share as well, as they prove expressed intent and enjoyment of what is now being cast as a series of abusive incidents in September (including a reference to us wrestling) and show the intention to interact sexually again in the future.

at this point we had also been considering the idea of Nishi visiting me in March, as not being stuck in a hotel for an extended period sounded like a relaxing time for both of us. we had discussed previously the idea of getting Nishi a pet bed to put near me while i work during the day.

[04:05] Nishi: i want to sleep w/ u too but if i were to like, hang around next to your desk

[04:05] Nishi: in a lil spot

[04:05] Nishi: ready to give u a bj at any time

[04:05] REN Q.: fjhfhug

[04:05] REN Q.: GO TO BED YOU FUCKED UP SEX SPAWN

[04:05] Nishi: WHAT

[04:05] Nishi: WHAT!!!

[04:06] Nishi: I AM MERELY

[04:06] Nishi: EXPRESSING MY WANTS

[04:06] REN Q.: I WILL NOT HAVE YOU ENTICING ME WITH YOUR WILES ANY MORE TONIGHT

[04:06] Nishi: imagine like, waking me up to do it w/ your foot

[04:06] Nishi: "prince get up, it's time to eat"

[04:06] REN Q.: GO TO BED HOLY SHIT

[04:06] REN Q.: YOU'RE BEING A REAL NAUGHTY BOY RN

[04:06] Nishi: and i get so excited and u whip yr d out and i get EVEN MORE EXCITED

[04:06] REN Q.: WTF

[04:07] Nishi: i'm like, wagging my invisible tail and i'm so excited but u have to tell me to calm down because i'm so excited

[04:07] REN Q.: wtf

[04:07] REN Q.: get out of here

[04:07] Nishi: i'd drool a lot beforehand and eventually i'd be so excitable i couldn't even do anything properly so you'd have to take care of the rest

[04:07] Nishi: or u could put a pillow underneath your desk and let me kinda go at it slowly while u work

[04:08] Nishi: i'm imagining u working on music stuff and gently instructing me and run

i visited again in December and on my way there they told me that they felt really weird about physical contact pretty much as i got on the plane and i let them know it was perfectly okay. i was bummed out and had some adjusting to do after our previous visit was so charged with it and since things switched on such short notice, but i was okay with it. we didn't do much cuddling, and when it wasn't okay, they let me know they weren't up to it and i'd back off and apologize. communication was still paramount and consistent as far as i knew. i came back and again was not given any sign that anything had been wrong at all. i was given the complete opposite even after my return home.

(secondlife IM logs)

[2013/12/22 06:30] nishi (spookyavery): i looooOOOOOOOVE u

[2013/12/22 06:30] nishi (spookyavery): if i don't make it out of this sickness alive i love u

[2013/12/22 06:30] nishi (spookyavery): and i will always cherish the times we have had together

over the next couple weeks, we grew a little distant, and myself a little hestitant. i was curious as to if anything was wrong, so i ended up bringing it up and asking if there was anything i should know.

Session Start (renqueenston:Nishi): Wed Jan 15 21:01:07 2014 -0500

[21:03] REN Q.: i guess i'm concerned about any vagueness or whatever in regards to our relationship and our feelings? we obv have diff kinds of anxiety that can definitely be a bit abraisive against eachother and i think clarity is important so it can be smoothed out

[21:04] Nishi: srry, i'm trying to parse this statement so gimme a sec

[21:05] REN Q.: basically just "is there anything you aren't saying about yr feelings irt me or how you feel about me" so things can be easier for both of us

[21:06] Nishi: ohh, okay! thanks for the rewording

[21:07] Nishi: there's not really anything i'm feeling about you specifically, i'm just having more of those leftover feelings about the december thing i guess. they come and go, and with all the rest of the stress i've been having, it's been hard for me to… think them through? i guess?

[21:08] Nishi: i mean i fixate on things like that cause events like that get blown up by my PTSD so that's why i've been hesitant to talk about it…? and there isn't really anything anyone can say really

[21:08] REN Q.: (nodnod) i understand

[21:08] Nishi: i don't feel anything bad about you at all, i really appreciate u as a person and as The Owner (if that's still what u feel about that w/ me)

[21:09] REN Q.: i absolutely feel like The Owner!

[21:09] REN Q.: i totally get you needing space and it's good to know when you do need it so i can be level headed and not confused so hearing it directly is good

[21:09] Nishi: i just get anxiety regarding situations, and it's much easier for me to… "deal" with it ( ?) when i have a bit of disconnection from the people involved

[21:09] Nishi: yesterday i was absolutely FURIOUS about it so i'm very sorry if i came across as cold or such

[21:10] REN Q.: no it's very okay, we have feelings and they need to be expressed

[21:10] REN Q.: i'm just glad i could clear this up for myself to better understand how you're feeling so i can act better

[21:11] Nishi: it's not really a matter of anyone acting any such way i guess (? )

. . .

[21:15] Nishi: anyway i've basically been more stressed out in the past few days than i have been in quite a while and i'm sorry it affected you as a result

[21:15] REN Q.: hey it's okay, i guess maybe just hmmm

[21:15] Nishi: i'm gonna try to be more straightforward about it but i also made that excessively private twitter for me to say things into, so i won't need to vent so often

[21:15] REN Q.: since our relationship is a bit more tightly knit than most it is good to know at some point why things are happening? i think its beneficial to both of us

[21:15] REN Q.: its haaaard to be blunt but

[21:15] REN Q.: when we're both mentally able to

[21:16] Nishi: well, i can right now (??) i just can't really get into the details of that other thing

[21:16] REN Q.: yeah i understand

[21:16] Nishi: i can't really say why exactly i'm thinking of the december thing right now because lol ptsd just pops in sometimes

it was clear to me that Nishi had been thinking about what happened in 2012, something that i was sure we had ironed out. for their health's sake, i didn't press it. in retrospect it's clear, though, that what happened in December 2013 (the sleep groping incident) was on their mind and the reason behind things here and now. they still failed to communicate that it had even happened, though, despite me asking for clarity if something was wrong. Nishi never brought it to my attention until very shortly before the public callout. they say directly "there's not really anything i'm feeling about you specifically".

our connection was fizzling. i grew increasingly uncomfortable around their problems and realized i needed room away from them and to focus on myself and my own issues and health a little bit more. i told them directly that i needed to distance myself, and that i didn't feel it was safe to have them visit me in March (this had been in the pipeline for months and still was).

Session Start (renqueenston:Nishi): Wed Jan 15 23:45:58 2014 -0500

[23:47] REN Q.: i'm fully aware you probably are not okay to talk about it but this is an important and immediate issue. i'm really sorry about this, and i still really want to see you but i can't safely have you visit in march. i can't put myself in a place where i'm legally responsible for somebody with self-harm and substance abuse tendencies. i figured telling you before you went all the way with the passport was better than waiting.

[23:48] Nishi: ah… okay, i'm sorry

[23:48] Nishi: thanks for telling me now

[23:48] Nishi: i'm still going ahead and getting my passport for the sake of having one, but thanks

[23:48] REN Q.: you don't need to apologize to me. this isn't a case of dislike, this is a case of things that i can and cannot deal with

[23:48] Nishi: i know, i just

[23:49] Nishi: it's my thing to apologise

[23:49] Nishi: is it ok if i ask a paranoia question

[23:49] REN Q.: absolutely

[23:50] Nishi: you don't hate me do you

[23:50] Nishi: sorry that's a. bad question to ask

[23:51] REN Q.: no, i don't hate you. i probably feel the furthest from hate for you tbh. the things that you're dealing with that i can't deal with have no bearing on how i feel about You, because i know You.

between then and my next contact with them – just two days later – i had noticed a couple friends disappearing from the twitter account i was using at the time, as well as my instant message contact list. after i was told directly what had happened, i knew that nishi had been talking about something that i wasn't even fully aware had happened to others before telling me.

Session Start (renqueenston:Nishi): Fri Jan 17 15:39:10 2014 -0500

[15:39] Nishi: ren, just to make sure you understand:

[15:39] Nishi: everything i am upset about is regarding the sleep groping

[15:39] Nishi: september had no problems when we were both awake because you were good about consent then, except when i would wake up with hands all over the place.

[15:40] Nishi: because during that time, i had no chance to say "okay" before because i can't respond when i am asleep

[15:41] Nishi: if it is something you do in your sleep, then so be it, that is fine --i did not hear about any of it until now, though.

my history of parasomnia-related issues is fuzzy at best, but since the beginning of this situation and i've voiced concern about it, my parents told me that i used to argue with people in my sleep (not actual people, like, dream people) when i lived back home, have difficulty breathing while asleep, used to suffer night terrors, and a past partner let me know that sleep sex / parasomnia-related events had happened to them, as well. with this partner there were a couple times i'd woken up mid-sex and be convinced that they initiated it, and other times i'd hazily wake up after falling asleep cuddling then roll over and fully doze off again. me and this partner had only ever talked about it in any real detail once and it was never made to be an issue. just that it had happened a couple times and that it may have even been "kind of nice". i had no reason to believe this was a common occurrence. though, when Nishi told me what i had done, i had no reason to doubt that it happened, and owned up to it, although i was defensive and shitty about it initially, trying to make things about my issues with them instead. this was a mistake that i own in full and realize that it's a nasty extension of ego-driven tendencies.

[15:53] Nishi: i wish you luck with everything but i do not trust you to make this improvement by yourself--i've given many chances for you to make the difference by yourself, but if you can't tell someone that "i have a problem with sleep groping" no matter the context, then there is an undeniable problem i cannot sit back and go "it'll be fixed" with.

[15:54] Nishi: anyway, again. i wish you the best.

[15:54] Nishi: goodbye.

all things said, of course i can't tell somebody about something i'm not aware is an issue and that was "let slide" several times without mentioning at all. if the "chances" i've been given include the incident in December 2012, then there was one, and we agreed that it was an issue of miscommunication. to be silently given chances about something i'm completely unaware is happening is something of an issue.

Nishi outed me publicly as an abuser and rapist the next day online. i owned up to the fact that i had groped them in my sleep and have since stepped away from the internet to learn more about myself and fix the problems that i can fix, including things related to my egocentricism and trying to line up a sleep lab to further understand what happens when i sleep once i did find out through my therapist that sex-related parasomnia, referred to as sexsomnia, is indeed a thing. sleep labs are difficult to line up here, with long waiting lists and starting this summer, a single sleep lab per lifetime unless there needs to be a health-related followup. it's a crapshoot insofar as learning anything – one night could never reveal years of sporadic issues – but something i'm trying to get together as i feel being able to be prescribed clonazepam could be beneficial. therapy has also been excellent. i've been able to finally find the sources of my anxiety and begin to quell it, and i'm finally beginning to understand how to better respect myself, and that speaking up about these accusations is part of that.

i cannot emphasize enough: "everything i am upset about is regarding the sleep groping," "september had no problems when we were both awake because you were good about consent then," "if it is something you do in your sleep, then so be it, that is fine," are the things Nishi told to me directly. some days after this, Nishi would go on to slam our entire relationship as a series of grotesque abusive incidents and twist words like "we were wrestling and ren sucks at it" into "ren contorted my limbs painfully". the things i've heard them say about me are ludicrous. things like "Ren fetishizes Japanese culture and that's why they abused me". there have been outright fabrications and baseless assumptions about me.

i know that despite my wrongs, i am being wronged and have been emotionally abused by Nishi throughout this. they need to take responsibility for their actions as well. our relationship was based on communication from the start. i was extremely communicative of everything i could be, and they agreed to do the same. i did not communicate about my parasomnia because i didn't know it was even an actual recurring issue. when it was brought to light (not with Nishi), it was not made to sound like "it happens all the time" or that it was bad. Nishi did not tell me in September that it happened, and continued to not tell me in December, all the way up to two days after i told them i could not have them visiting me and needed to distance myself from them and their problems. i was blindsided by this in every way imaginable. Nishi talked behind my back instead of telling me what was wrong and made things into a spectacle. if all of what Nishi has said is true of the relationship in full, then they were not communicative and completely defied its importance despite me pushing to be the most communicative i've ever been in a relationship. if Nishi genuinely believes the things that they are saying about our relationship, I was manipulated throughout the course of it and lied to persistently. if Nishi decided after i said "i need to distance myself" that they have been uncomfortable with things, then I'm sorry, but no. you cannot claim comfort every step of the way in every percievable way and then change your mind months later. if this were okay, everybody that had ever been the subject to anybody else's ill will after the end of a relationship would be subject to a potential callout as an abuser and/or rapist. you cannot decide "oh nevermind that was a bad idea" and call somebody out as an abuser and/or rapist. doing that is abusive to the person that trusted you to be honest with them, and you are making abuse cases harder for people to take seriously.

since they've come out about this, the amount of times they've said outright that they felt obligated to say yes because they were "afraid they'd lose me as a friend" or something like that is staggering and that responsibility lies on their shoulders, not mine. going into December i knew there wasn't going to be any sex, and i was still a friend to them. what reasoning did they ever have to feel that i would treat things otherwise? in other situations, though, if i am given signals in every way that somebody is okay with having sex, then that's how i'm going to read it. all i'm getting out of any of this is that Nishi regrets being involved in things at all because they ended up being hurt by me pushing away from their problems and that these regrets are being twisted to put me at fault and make me out to be an abuser.

i'm fully aware of the ways i've hurt people. i know 5-6 years ago i was in a particularly bad relationship with somebody where i was an unforgivable shithead. i took a lot from that relationship and the guilt i carry is what drives me to be a better person. i was 19 years old and i'm going on 26 now. i've learned so much since then and i am not that same person. i understand that some people may not understand how long ago this happened, as when this relationship was talked about, it was prefaced with "a while ago". i've wanted to apologize since then but had no clue how to approach it. so i'm doing it now: i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry for the awful jokes and how i talked down to you. i'm sorry for the cheating. i'm sorry for the insincerity and just being shit in a lot of ways.

i'm sorry for what i actually did. i'm sorry that my condition resulted in somebody being hurt. i am sorry that i've been so pushy and so domineering socially for the past almost-year of my life. i'm sorry that i've exercised some amount of egocentricism over the past god-knows-how-long. i'm sorry that i pushed my ideals and beliefs the way i did. i know for a fact that i ended up hurting people i never wanted to hurt with accusations and words. i am not going to apologize for the shit bing spun about me and the relationship i was in, though. there is blame being cast that i am not going to carry. somebody's regrets are not my abuse.

i will be continuing my therapy and distancing myself from social networks. i have realized how unheatlhy twitter really has been for me and need to push away from the "always connected, instant gratification" of people always listening. i am going to continue doing what i need to do and i hope that all involved with this to any extent do the same. i ask that people consider this situation critically, make up their own minds, and respsect the privacy of all parties involved. harassment is uncalled for and i will ask that people do not harass Nishi or "retaliate" for me or for anybody affected by their actions. i did not want to have to bring up the amount of information i have, but at this point, it's completely necessary.