Today is a day marked for the celebration of the formal birth of the United States of America. And for gluttony. Lots and lots of gluttony. The highlight of the day, I'm sorry to inform you, is not your dried out burgers on the grill this afternoon -- it is the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest this morning at 10:30 AM. Each year, dudes smaller than the average NFL kicker trot themselves out on stage and scarf down 40...50...60...70 hotdogs. To quote Mr. Ron Burgundy, I'm not even mad. That's just amazing.

And with this incredible feat of elasticity and gluttony on display, the question begs to be asked: if the NFL were to piece together their best of the best -- what does a perfect hotdog eating contest roster look like? Well, ponder no longer. I have the answer.

The bad news for wide receiver Kelvin Benjamin: he's kind of grown out of a role as an active NFL wide receiver. He's lost his juice and looks pretty lethargic as a route runner these days -- the writing here has kind of been on the wall ever since Kelvin showed up at Panthers camp in 2017.

Kelvin is a sneaky play here.

Michael Pierce

Pierce was just kicked out of Baltimore's offseason workout by coach John Harbaugh because he arrived at the Ravens' organized team activities looking like he'd spent more time this offseason training for a Nathan's competition than NFL training camp.

Pierce is naturally a big dude -- he was listed last season on the roster at 340 pounds and figures to be every bit of it and then some. You don't get that big if you can't put down some serious chow.

Noah Spence

Huh? Yep. You read this right. Spence spent the 2018 offseason slamming 9,000 calories worth of food every day in order to gain 35 pounds before the 2018 season. If you put down that many calories, your digestive track seems poised to handle a sudden influx of hot dogs and buns. Spence may not look like a favorite for this event, but he's got the track record and consistent training to give it a good run.

Quenton Nelson

Nelson is a big dude, but his placement on this list has nothing to do with how much food he can eat. Rather, Nelson deserves a seat at the table because I'd half expect him to be declared the champion just by telling the judges that he's won the event before it even starts. I'd love to see someone try to argue with him.

The Alumni Table

Vince Wilfork

The only possible way Vince Wilfork can show up on site for a hotdog eating contest is to do so in his overalls -- harkening back to the glory days of his appearance on Hard Knocks.

Wilfork is naturally a big dude, but the overalls give him a hidden advantage: front pockets. Big Vince can drop a dog or two down into that front pocket and no one will be none the wiser, giving him a chance to stash a few dogs on his way to victory.

Joe Thomas

My guy. Joe retired from the NFL and promptly dropped 50 pounds -- the trend of NFL offensive linemen who clearly slammed food down their throats to keep their playing weight up to expected totals is on the up -- there's no shortage of options here. Nick Hardwick, Todd Nalen, Matt Birk, Damien Woody...the list goes on and on.

But Joe gets the call here for the stage presence and charisma, if anyone on this stage is going to get the fans swooning for him, it'd be Thomas.

Steve Weatherford

Dude. Anyone with a metabolism fast enough to have a 24-pack of abs is going to get a seat at my table, damn it. Weatherford is crazy ripped -- so much so that even just to make me feel better about myself I'd appreciate seeing Weatherford slam down 20,000 calories in a single sitting and stop making the rest of us look so bad.

William Perry

Guys. His nickname is "The Refrigerator". They literally keep hot dogs in the refrigerator. Let's not make this any harder than it has to be.