Christian blogger Lori Alexander recently penned a profound think piece in which she set a highly specific bar for female behavior. The title of her post, which appeared on her website The Transformed Wife, says it all; “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos.”

What may sound to you like the headline of an Onion article, or the subtitle of a prop newspaper in The Handmaid’s Tale, is in fact a legitimate piece of (advice? wisdom? knowledge?) endowed to us by devout crazy person Christian Lori Alexander, whose enlightening works include titles like “Stop Enticing Men!” (“God hates unlawful nakedness,” reads the first sentence) and “Has God Called Women To Be Independent?” (a synopsis: No.)

“Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men?” leads Alexander. “Unfortunately, there are so few of these types of young women anymore because of the high costs of college (debt) and sexual promiscuity even within those in the church.”

Alexander proceeded to give reasons why women should stop going to college, “especially if they want to be wives and mothers someday.”

“Secular universities teach against the God of the Bible and His ways. It’s far from what God calls women to be and do: it teaches them to be independent, loud, and immodest instead of having meek and quiet spirits.”

The blogger went on to support her independence-is-a-sin argument by quoting “an email she received.”

“Men don’t want to marry a women with debt. Most of this debt comes from college. They would also prefer a woman who still lives at her parent’s house that has not had other relationships. Do those two things and you will be highly sought after.”

Alexander’s thoughts to the email appear in parentheses.

“If they go to college, they are unlikely to stay home raising their children to pay off the debt and use the degree they spent years on.” (I have seen this in many young women’s lives, sadly.)

The email makes some interesting supporting arguments for Alexander’s thesis. Namely, a man doesn’t want to have to “take years teaching his wife the correct way to act, think, and live” to reverse the habits learned in college. “Sadly, most young Christian women wouldn’t listen to their husbands since they’ve not been taught to live in submission to their husbands,” Alexander agrees.

There’s also the matter of children, and of indebted and tattooed, college-educated women having them later in life. (Nowhere in the post does Alexander explain her hatred for tattoos.) This, agree both women, is absolute insanity. (Alexander: “I will never understand how women prefer careers over having precious babies.” No, she wouldn’t, huh.)

Then there’s all those “lost years” in college (“college kids don’t cook”) when women could’ve instead been “learning to cook large meals and learning how to work in the garden.”

The list goes on and on, the alleged fan email concluding with a statement that sounds suspiciously like Alexander wrote that shit herself: “Your posts sound crazy to anyone who does not believe the Bible is true,” reads the ’email.’ “Most girls have not read the Bible with their father (Ephesians 6:4) or husband to explain it to them (1 Corinthians 14:35). That part is important. Instead of learning it from their parents, they seek out books or movies on how to interpret the Bible which leads them down the wrong path.”

Alexander’s kicker? “Stay virgins until marriage, out of debt, and don’t get tattoos!”

If you are thinking to yourself that Lori Alexander is the only batshit person out there who has cloaked herself in a cocoon of willful ignorance in order to insulate her from the reality of the world, think again. Several days ago, a woman in the comments section of Alexander’s aforementioned blog post “Stop Enticing Men!” pleaded with the author to remove the stock photo within the post, which she believed would lead her husband astray into lust.

“Lori that picture for this blog post is one that could cause a brother to stumble,” wrote a concerned Ava. “She is an example of what not to do. Would you please consider changing the image for one of a Godly-attired sister whose dress and shoes and pose will not lead a man who comes here seeking guidance for his wife astray? My husband Jeb is so thoughtful in finding materials that will help me grow (your book!) But he was a little shocked and surprised, and asked me to share his thoughts.”

Here is that photo:

Twitter proceeded to dunk on Mrs. Alexander (who went to college, had sex, and probably has a tramp stamp (kidding)).

Lori Alexander’s thoughtful article neglected to answer one simple question: Are Christian tattoos are ok?