It’s Valentine’s Day! That means it’s time for the singles to mingle, and the couples to cuddle. It’s time to get flowers and candy for that special partner in crime or reject the consumerist throes of capitalistic holiday entirely. It’s time to hit the club to find your honey or head home after a long day at work, open up a dating app, let out a deep sigh, and then turn off your phone.



For me, it’s time to jump back into the character wikis and back on my bullshit. That’s right, it’s time for another very important tier list, this time about romance. I present to you the definitive dream date tier list – a tier list ranking how well each character would do on a date.

Don’t worry, it won’t get too risque. We’re talking about a first date here, so there are no expectations for the night after. This isn’t some kind of foul SEX tier list. This is a good, Christian tier list. On that note, before I get started I really have to lay down some parameters because a third of the characters in this game are either children or animals.

The parameters and the “No, Bad” section

I went into this ranking with two very clear parameters: I will not rank children or animals. I think the reason is obvious but if it’s not it’s because neither can offer consent and neither are suitable to romance. Is it bad for a 16-year-old to go on a date with a 16-year-old? No. Am I 16? Also no. Thankfully, I escaped the dark puberty forest almost a decade ago. So I aim not to rank any character under the age of 18 – the generally accepted marker of adulthood.

Please accept this and please do not start any weird Ephebophilia shit here. I am begging you not to.

In some cases, age is really clear. Lucas and Ness are clearly children. Joker is literally a high schooler. However, in a lot of cases it is shockingly unclear. I hope Nintendo never plans to release dating simulator, well, outside of Three Houses anyways.



For an example of an unclear case, take Corrin and Lucina. I couldn’t find an official listed age for either and in Lucina’s case she skips in and out of time. Link and Zelda’s age varies based on game and is generally muddled. The Ice Climbers and the Pits seem like children but for all I know, they could be beyond age entirely.



A lot of characters have varying ages as well. Mario, for instance, is sometimes a baby. Although, in these cases Mario is a separate entity called Baby Mario. The Inklings can theoretically be several ages. Ike goes from baby in Path of Radiance to total hunk in Radiant Dawn. A lot of characters might grow up in epilogues.

To work through all of this, I had to use my intuition. If my gut said, “That’s a kid.” I put them in the No, Bad tier. Some choices might be confusing, like Zelda being in No, Bad but Sheik being higher. This was a compromise due to the fact that canonically Zelda is a young adult in some games and a teenager in others.



I read that this aesthetic version of Zelda is a teenager and she looks like it to me, so I put her in No, Bad. Sheik seems fitting to represent the older iterations of Zelda. And listen, if you think Zelda looks 20 and you really love her feet or whatever, I don’t care. I’m not a cop but I also don’t want to be a part of any of that. Link is on the list and I talk about in his blurb.

You’ll also notice age applies to the anthropomorphic characters I think are capable of romance – namely the Kongs and Koopas. I think Diddy Kong and Bowser Jr. are clearly kids but Donkey Kong and Bowser clearly aren’t. Similarly, the Inklings have undefined ages but they look 12 to me so that’s gonna be a strong nope for this list.

Now that we’ve prevented pedophilia, it’s time to prevent beastiality. You’ll notice that a lot of our furry friends made the list. To me, this list is about romance and not sex so I’m more concerned with if a character could communicate and date. This is why the telepathic Pokemon like Lucario and Mewtwo made it on but the non-telepathic ones didn’t. For the record, I didn’t ask for any of this, the Pokemon world burdened me with it and now I am passing that burden onto you.

With all characters, I made a general assumption that you would match their world, so if you dated Bowser you’d be a koopa, if you dated a Rare character you’d be some kind of anthropomorphic animal. I elected to go this path because while it still offers complications, it offers less complications than the alternative.



You might ask, “If I match the character, why can’t I be a Pikachu and date Pikachu Libre?” First, wow, bold of you to assume you’re in Pikachu Libre’s league. Second, you should be asking, “Can Pikachus date? Or do they do a weird mating dance, dig a hole, and start pumping out Pichus? Can Greninjas date or does the male Greninja swim over and fertilize a bunch of eggs the female greninja just released into the water?” I don’t know the answers to these questions and I don’t want to. I am already so burdened and so tired.

For added clarification, I try and base my results off the canon lore except I disregard any current relationships. So, this list exists in a world where Mario and Peach aren’t dating. However, I don’t account for repercussions of their not dating because I am but one soul.



Also, I used the male version of every character because I crave conflict.



Okay, now we’re good to go! Since we’re at the bottom, we’ll just start there and work to the top this time.

Will Ghost You

Sonic

Listen, I know that a surprising amount of people want to date Sonic. It may be be disappointing to hear, but based on his treatment of Amy and general cavalier, punk attitude, there is a good chance he would ghost you. Knuckles would be there for you, but Knuckles is just an assist trophy.

Peach and Daisy

It’s been a full hour since Peach was supposed to show up. The toad waiter keeps asking if you want to order and he’s starting to ask you if your princess is in another castle. You call Peach up and when you tell her how long you’ve been waiting, all she says is “Oh, did I forget?” Then she hangs up and goes back to playing tennis or whatever. Daisy just writes, “Hi, I’m Daisy!” on Toader and never says anything after that.

Bayonetta

Bayonetta isn’t necessarily the type to date or deal with the strange romantic trifles of puny mortals. She may show up, but there’s a good chance she forgot about the whole thing or had to go do some badass shit that was more pressing than the date.

Simon

Simon is a pretty handsome and bold figure in the Castelvania games but he’s also married to his job. He cancels five minutes after you arrive at the spot because he “had” to go kill an undead abomination. You know deep down he didn’t have to, he just chose to.

Cloud

Cloud totally freaks out at the idea of the date one hour before it happens. He has an anxiety related collapse, doesn’t answer the phone, and takes a motorcycle ride out into some industrial park to avoid the situation. Given all he’s been through, it’s hard to blame the guy.

D Tier: Bad Date

The Miis

This is like bringing one of those way too realistic sex dolls or a picture of your 2D waifu to a public restaurant.

Ridley

Absolutely not. Why would you even try?

Snake

Snake shows up late with what might be blood on his lapel. He won’t tell you why. He asks why you aren’t wearing a skintight bodysuit, which catches you off guard. A glass shatters on the other side of the restaurant and Snake instantly whips out a fully loaded tranquilizer and shoots the waiter. He pauses for a second, grappling with what he’s done, screams the names of several people you don’t know, then runs out of the building.

Wario

Wario will spend 75% of the date trying to convince you to dine and dash and 80% of the date farting. He has a sick motorcycle and, for some reason, great teeth but everything else about him is immensely unappealing. He definitely looked different in the pictures.

King K. Rool

You were tricked into going on a date with King K. Rool when all his boys started hyping him up and talking about how he helped them out of tough spots. You immediately regret it as he spends most of the date talking about Donkey Kong and it’s just a really weird vibe.

Banjo & Kazooie

Banjo arrives twenty minutes late to lunch wearing only pants and a backpack. He apologizes and you brush it off and ask where he’s been. He tells you that he was out collecting honeycombs and puzzle pieces, which is a weird reason to be late. You try not make a whole thing out of it but all you can think about is the honeycombs and puzzle pieces (to the point where you wish he just lied about why he was late) and Banjo is kind of just looking at you like you should lead the conversation.

To get out of the awkward silence, you jokingly ask Banjo if you can have any honeycombs, which you immediately regret because he takes it seriously and he says that you can’t because he and Kazooie ate them all. Externally, you laugh it off, but internally you feel weirdly hurt because you agreed to meet for lunch so why did he need to eat all that honey? You know that Kazooie is his best friend but it seems like they’re way too attached to each other. Then you hear a noise from his backpack that he tries to cover up with a loud “Guh-Huh!” and you already know that he brought Kazooie. Of course he brought Kazooie. The date ends mercifully early and you hear Kazooie evaluating you as you leave.

C Tier: Mediocre Date

Ryu

Ryu isn’t a bad guy and could be a good partner in the long term. But on the first date, his intense set of martial values, loner mentality, and tight focus on niche goals make him stiff in conversation. He’s lived such a different life from you that he’s very tough to relate to. If you’re a martial artist of some kind he bumps up a tier and if you’re the kind of extrovert that can bring a person out of their shell, he bumps up two tiers.

Samus

It takes so long to get Samus just to agree on the date and that alone kills a lot of the social momentum. She reschedules the date twice, first because she got a sudden job she had to take, second because her ship took critical damage during that first job. When you finally get a date, it’s for drinks at a pretty late hour. It is great to be seen with a tall and very attractive woman but Samus Aran is clearly exhausted from the day and not very engaged.

Captain Falcon

Douglas Jay Falcon is no doubt a mighty good man but according to his lore (which is all over the place by the way) he’s also reclusive and secretive. If he did agree to a date, he might just spend the whole time there with his helmet on, dodging questions. While he does have charisma and talent, he suffers from a mix of Ryu’s hyper focus and loner mentality as well as Samus’s work-driven lifestyle.

King Dedede

Like most Kirby characters, King Dedede has a fun personality. In general, just being converted into the Kirby universe makes everything more pleasant and idyllic. However, King Dedede’s various personality flaws make him the least fun of the Kirby characters to date. He will eat all his food very fast and then start of eating off of your plate.

Wii Fit Trainer

Wii Fit Trainer is one of those dates that has enough superficial social skills to make the first half an hour or so seem pretty good but runs out of things to say after that. They don’t seem to have many interests outside of fitness and you know that “work out buddy” will be a non-negotiable part of the relationship. It wouldn’t be the worst date but the dynamic would feel a little cold, mechanical, and stitled.

Mewtwo

I feel like Mewtwo is the kind of guy that just can’t stop dropping big “we live in a society!” style lines on the first date.

Ken

Ken has too much machismo to make for a great first date and will probably pull some weird shit like asking you to feel his muscles. He’ll probably brashly and loudly talk about his work achievements, which will be awkward because he will be talking about how he kicked the shit out of someone. In the lore, Ken proves to be very loving and softens with age and family, but you’re not getting that version of Ken on the first date.

The bad boys

Falco and Meta Knight are the debonair cool guys you’re pretty excited you scored a date with. They’re interesting and smooth and great at flirting on and offline. However, they’re also a touch self-absorbed and sometimes a little mean in their playfulness. They flirt a bit too close to being douchebags to be great dates, but they’re alright.

B Tier: Good Date

Fire Emblem

Most Fire Emblem protagonists are kind of similar. They’re nice and they are charismatic in a very straightforward sort of way. They have an admirable commitment to others that would make them try hard on the date and show up presenting their best selves. However, I think they would be weird to talk with on a normal level and would struggle with those vital bits of small talk that help a date go well.

Shulk

Shulk is overall a gentleman and works hard to vibe with you. He assures you that he is really feeling the energy but things do get a bit awkward when he sees a vision of the future where you order the wrong thing and spend the night with really bad diarrhea. He stops you from making the order right as you give it to the waiter but he won’t tell you why and it reads really weird even though it’s coming from a good place.

The Marios

Mario is just a solid guy. He’s nice, he’s dedicated, he’s friendly and confident. I think he lacks a certain extra bit of personality and would be kind of basic on a date but that’s alright. His doctor variant may be a bit more interesting and wealthy but is also busier and lacks some of that down to earth charm. Plus, he keeps suggesting medications for different problems and it’s weird because it’s the first date.

Gaming Granddaddies

I want to make a senior dating joke here but I’m just too dedicated to the LORE. From what I can scrape out of their poorly defined backgrounds, both Pac Man and Mr. Game and Watch are solid family men. As such, I see them as good though not necessarily great dates. I think they treat you well and do their best but might not wow you right away.

Rosalina & Luma

Rosalina is a great catch and a great date. She takes you out to see the stars – literally. The only problem is that one star is constantly watching you. Luma is around for the entire date, staring at you. It is very uncomfortable.

Villager

The fanon interpretation of Villager is an entity we call Killager – a kind of Patrick Batemen-esque murderer. The fanon is very fun, but for this list I think the canon version of Villager is more interesting and a better date. I think that the villager offers a quirky, memorable date. They show up with a tasteful gift in hand, which is sweet, and they talk about their collection of fish or bugs or dinosaur fossils in a way that is pleasantly earnest. They’re definitely a little odd but overall a good date.

The actual bad boys

I put Bowser and Ganondorf up this high because I imagine this is a consensual date where both parties meet on equal terms, not some kind of kidnap-date scenario. It’s also a one-time thing where they’re trying to impress you as you are them. A lot of their deep character flaws, megalomania, manipulative tendencies, world-destroying plots, wouldn’t come out until later on.



In the date itself, these two would show up sharply dressed and on their A-game. After all, Bowser had a tuxedo made for himself, which is impressive because he’s a fucking turtle. That tuxedo has gotta be single-use. Plus, we know Bowser’s gotten some before with koopa women because he has so many kids, so it’s not unfair to assume that he has game.



For Ganon’s part, the man was raised by a tribe of powerful and independent women, so I think he would be confident and self-possessed in a date. Separated from his dark cosmic destiny for an evening, he might even be nice. Regardless, he’ll be interesting and charming. Ultimately, the flaws of both villains will shine through a little and keep them from A tier.

A Tier: Great Date

Luigi

Luigi is a sleeper OP in the dating scene if you ask me. Yes, he has immense anxiety but he always tries so hard. I think Luigi is the kind of guy who doesn’t put himself out there very often, so he goes all out when he does and really goes the extra mile for you. He’s awkward, but in a mostly disarming and personable way, and he’s got a lot of fun ghost stories and adventure tales to share.

Lucario

Look, sometimes the furries are right. The name “Lucario” could speak to a bunch of Pokemon rather than a singular one, so I use the Lucario from the Pokemon movies as my guide. This Lucario is loyal and smart. He’s worked through his trust issues and is now a sensitive and good-natured pokemon with a lot of life experience.

Sheik/Adult Zelda

This date is A-tier for the tour of Hyrule Castle alone.

Chrom

Chrom is a younger sibling in a royal family, meaning he doesn’t have as much responsibility and would be a bit more humble and easy to talk to. Chrom also arrives at the point where Nintendo had fully mixed up and improved the writing in Fire Emblem, so he has stronger characterization than other protagonists and plays a little looser. I would put him up with Ike but I think there would be a genuine stress to dating a royal, which Ike doesn’t have.

Olimar

If you play the Pikmin games, Olimar journals a lot and the tone of his entries suggest he’s a pretty good and sensitive dude who’s out there doing his best. I think he would do well on a date and have lots of good castaway stories. You may end up confronting him about the ethics of using the Pikmin for profit but I think Olimar would be willing to have an honest, if awkward conversation about it.

Richter

Unlike Simon, Richter isn’t so obsessed with the Belmont name and the vampire killing that needs to be done. From my understanding of the lore, he gets pushed deeper into the family business because Dracula gets in the way of his dating life by kidnapping his girlfriend. Clearly, Richter has a good sense of work-life balance and he won’t even let Dracula get in the way of it.

Palutena

She’s a literal goddess from heaven and in that sense is always on her A-game. She also seems pretty approachable and charming on top of being one of the consensus best looking characters. However, I think there would be something to going on a date with a goddess that would throw us all off, making the date not quite S-tier.

Fox

It’s like Falco but with less douchebag element.

S Tier: Fantastic Date

Hero (Dragon Quest VIII)

All the other Heroes are underage but it doesn’t matter cause the best one is 18! Just looking at this guy, you can tell he’s way chill for an RPG hero and radiates great vibes. This dude even has a badass pet mouse named munchie who is totally punk and will teach you how to party.

Byleth

If you’ve played Fire Emblem: Three Houses you know that dating is half of Byleth’s job. When you show up to the table, Byleth will hand you a journal you lost when you were seven years old and have already ordered your favorite drink for you.

Wolf

im not a furry but wolf o’donnel could get it, have it, take it, keep it — senpai ♡ 先輩 (@Cinnpie) February 1, 2020

Make no mistake, as a partner in the long term, Wolf O’Donnell comes with a lot of issues. He’s a loner and an outlaw who lives dangerously. However, in the short term, he’s the bad boy dream date. He’ll take you joyriding through the stars and into all the dangerous but beautiful sectors of the universe. He’s suave and knows how to read people and he’ll know just when to hold you tight and when to give you space.

Link

Link is where I kind of diverge from the canon. Canonically, Breath of the Wild Link is probably 17 years old – 117 years old but I personally don’t do that “oh don’t worry this oversexualized character who acts and looks like a child is actually 1000 years old” anime bullshit. Even though Link may be 17, I treat him as more around 20 because it helps me deal with the fact that everyone in Breath of the Wild flirts with you. Even Nintendo is horny nowadays.



Besides, the 17 age is a guess based off of memory fragments anyways, so we can reasonable argue he could be older. Not to mention, Breath of the Wild Link feels like the most adult Link to me. He hunts, cooks and survives on his own, he has a career, and is generally independent and understands that weight of all his decisions in an adult way.

Plus, Breath of the Wild Link actually has personality and would be one of the best dates in the game. I think it would be a very creative, outdoorsy date where he’d take you to enchanted groves, cook several delicious dishes for you, take your horseback riding through the mountains, and teach you how to kill goblins. Ever since Lord of the Rings came out, haven’t we all just wanted a beautiful androgynous man to teach us how to kill goblins? Absolutely S tier date.

Terry

Terry seems like the kind of guy who would take you to a hole in the wall burger joint where he knows everybody and they all take him and playfully rib the two of you. You instantly feel integrated into his social circle and made comfortable by his fun, confident personality. Not only is Terry a swell dude, Terry is also a swell lady. This makes Terry fit most orientations.

Donkey Kong, Little Mac, and Ike

These three are paragons of healthy video game masculinity and all around great dudes. They’re generally self-assured, open-minded, curious, but firm in their values and interested in building friendships and helping others. The date will go fantastically with any of them.

Isabelle

If DK, Little Mac, and Ike are paragons of healthy video game masculinity then I think it’s fair to call Isabelle a paragon of healthy video game femininity. She is sweet and kind but also smart, hard-working and entirely her own dog-person/person-dog. The main controversial point for Isabelle (and potentially for Ike and Little Mac too) is that she’s super busy and overworked. I think she has strong time management skills, so she still makes it into S tier, but it is close.

Kirby

Does Kirby understand romance? Is this more like a friend-date? It doesn’t matter. Kirby will invite you to a picnic and it will be the best day of your entire life.

Who is most definitely the best date from Smash Ultimate? Kirby 57%, 12 votes 12 votes 57% 12 votes - 57% of all votes

Isabelle 29%, 6 votes 6 votes 29% 6 votes - 29% of all votes

Donkey Kong 14%, 3 votes 3 votes 14% 3 votes - 14% of all votes Total Votes: 21 Voting is closed Poll Options are limited because JavaScript is disabled in your browser.

Now that you finished this Valentine’s tier list, how do you feel? Happy to have survived the ordeal? Infuriated that I underranked your waifu? Vaguely lonely, knowing that your videogame husbando is not corporeal? Regardless, I hope you have a good Valentine’s Day, even if that means it’s an unremarkable one.

Because who cares? Wasn’t this the day some saint died or something? Why are we doing all this chocolate heart crap anyways? No one knows what’s going on with this nonsense holiday anymore. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about ignoring it entirely in favor of playing Smash.