AN: This chapter, and many after this one will have drugs in it. Please be wary if they bother you.

“Shhhh.” I heard his voice soothe. “It’s okay Logan. I’m here, you’re not alone.” I was in another dream. I’d been having these dreams since dad died. In it I’d wake up crying, sobs racking my body, and a man would be holding me, whispering soothing words into my ear until I fell asleep again and the dream would end. It all seemed so real, but it had to be a dream. Didn’t it?

I woke in the morning and pushed off my sheets. It was mid-afternoon on a Saturday. I lay there for a while. Another day alive while my dad was dead. Just like every morning I felt a heavy weight on me. It was almost enough to keep me in bed all day. With effort I sat up and pushed my dad from my mind. It never worked, but I always tried. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on if I always kept it on my mind.

Maya and Spenser’s beds were made. I dressed myself and walked out. The house was silent. I looked out the front window. Spens’s car was gone. I made my way upstairs to look in Silven’s room when I heard it. Cries. Not soft cries, but heart wrenching, body wracking sobs and they were coming from my mom’s room.

Suddenly my meager walls I had tried to keep up crumbled and I fell to the floor. My dad was gone. He was never coming back. He would never walk through our front door, never laughed or wink at me, never tell me some corny dad joke.

I guess somewhere in my mind I held onto hope that one day I would wake up and he would be sitting in the living room reading. Hearing my mother’s sobs tore that away. Knowing that I caused it to be this way only made it worse. I heard a cry escape my own lips, causing my mom’s to stop. No…I couldn’t let her find me. I couldn’t face her, not with tears on her face and blame in her eyes. With all my strength I tore myself from the floor and ran out the door.

Run. I needed to run, to get away. I ran down the pathway and onto the street. I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t care. I just needed to get away. Get away from the pain I was causing others, from the house that was too full of memories of a life I could never have again.

*******

It was dark by the time my feet stopped. I looked around, tears still on my cheeks. I took a step towards a park bench but collapsed, sorrow firing through my body. I let loose the cries I had been holding in while trying to focus on running. They escaped my lips and my tears spilled over with new ambition. My father’s laugh resounded through my head and I let out a scream.

“I’m sorry!” I yelled out, beating the ground. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t able to save him. It was my fault my family was bleeding. Would we ever be normal again? Would my mistake never heal? I pulled myself back into a ball, squeezing my legs tight. The pain was unbearable. “Please,” I gasped, “Please, make it stop.”

I didn’t hear the footsteps. I didn’t see him kneel before me. But I did hear his voice.

“Tough day?” He asked. I wiped my eyes and looked up at him. Cold glowing eyes met mine.

“Go away.” I said. Could this guy not let me be?

“What if I told you I could make it stop? Would you want me to go then?” He asked, a smirk on his face. I stared at him.

“What do you mean? What could you possibly have that could make this go away?” In the back of my mind I felt Spenser and Maya reaching out to me, but I pushed them out and shut them out. The man took my hand and dropped two tablets into my hand.

“These will make everything better.” He promised. I looked from him to the tabs I my hand. Drugs? Did I really want this? I felt Maya and Spenser reaching out again, and my guilt and pain came rushing back to the front. He took my free hand and pulled me up, setting me on the bench. He must have noticed my shivering.

“Promise. Promise they’ll make it go away.” I whispered, almost begging. He nodded. I didn’t know this man; I didn’t know what he had dropped into my hand. But his glowing eyes met mine and I didn’t care if I didn’t know him. He promised this would take the pain away. Without another thought I tossed them in my mouth and threw them back.