If you're anything like me, you're constantly, pants-soilingly furious that the world hadn't given you your due. "Damn you, you motherfuckers!" I scream every morning at the world, or more accurately, the portion of the world visible from my front door - which includes a length of sidewalk and a day care across the street. "If there was any justice in the world, I'd be carried around on the backs of people like you," I tell fellow commuters at the bus stop, who often concede my point and offer to make space for me as a sort of token reparation. "When I'm in charge, pants will be an option, and not the chains of your tyranny," I tell the human resources director, again every morning. But unlike you, with your Cheetos stained fingers and Cheetos stained private parts, I've actually got the tools to correct these deficiencies in the world, to bend these simpler minds to appreciate the glory I have hammered out with my brain. Although there's some ethical issues with this (it's completely unethical, that's the main one) I feel I've learned enough from my experience to share these techniques of manipulation and coercion with you. Whether you use these persuasion techniques to start your own cult of personality, or merely get a date, I wish you well on your journey.

#10: Rational and Coherent Arguments

If you were to go to the library, and start shrieking demands at the clerk to research the best persuasion techniques history has recorded, you might hear a timid suggestion that you deploy a rational, well thought out argument, instead of, for example, wailing obscenities. This is because the pale and wan folk who live in this world filled with the words of dead men know nothing of the gentle caress of sunlight, nor how the world actually works.

Also, they hate the son of Hercules.

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An Example:

How the world works is this: it doesn't, because it is full of incredibly stupid people. Laying out a rational, well reasoned argument to an average American is like wearing a condom while eating at Burger King - it's ineffectual and makes everyone present confused and lose their appetites. The kind of mind that looks at a can of Axe Bodyspray and thinks "Hmmm, that's not a bad idea," is completely immune to the powers of evidence and logic."Hey, friend, would you like to listen to me for a second? Worry not, you can continue to eat your tacos while you listen. How about you join me in my effort to make the world a better place. As you can see by the way my shoes have shoelaces, I've got a better handle on life than you do. This could really be a win-win for both of us."