A TEN-YEAR-OLD who can beat up anyone at his school has accepted that life will not get any better than this.

Stephen Malley triumphed in a scuffle with a year six pupil yesterday, meaning that he is now the undisputed champion of St John’s C of E Primary and it is downhill from here.

Malley said: “Even the teachers know it. And now what? I weep, for there are no kids left for me to conquer.

“I’ve got two years left at this school, two years of nobody daring to even challenge me, before I go to secondary school and get the shit kicked out of me for what I did to someone’s little brother.

“After that I’ll leave with hardly any qualifications, get a job in a garage, drink in the same pub every night and live for those moments when someone recognises me as the former king of the playground.

“It’s painful to think that some of these kids have so much more ahead of them than I’ll ever have. I think I’ll give out a few dead legs today, as pre-emptive revenge.”

Fellow pupil Julian Cook said: “I can’t wait until I’m 18 and the brightest kid in school. Then I’ll go to university and spend the rest of my days as a has-been.”