LDS Church Announces New Patreon Project — Support Your Favorite Conference Speakers.

Even the critics are reluctantly appreciative of the idea of having Elder Holland speak 3, 4, or even 7 times during General Conference.

President Uchtdorf at a recent fireside describing the new patreon model

Many of today’s internet savvy youth are familiar with Patreon — the website that allows individuals to support creators. The idea is that you can pay a small monthly support to one of your favorite creators to give them the chance to create more of what you enjoy.

“When Elder Rendlund told us about this idea, we were hooked,” explains President Uchtdorf at a recent fireside. “Imagine knowing that you would enjoy every minute of General Conference before hand because you knew that your favorite speakers had hit milestone goals for funding. For example, Elder Robbins has a 1000 supporter milestone goal. If he gets just 1000 supporters he will include a powerpoint presentation during his talk this conference.”

President Uchtdorf went on to describe how poor performing authorities will be removed from the General Conference circuit and instead placed on BYU Speeches detail, or, for the lowest performing authorities, stake and regional conferences.

“Not only does it serve to get people excited for their customized General Conference, but it motivates the speakers to really tune-in to their audience and know what they want to hear,” President Uctdorf said. “Even those who do not qualify for General Conference slots will be benefited as they travel to smaller stake conferences to drum up grassroots support. Everybody wins.”

Elder Neal L. Andersen

But not everybody is happy with the new system. “I have 6 stake conferences scheduled this month alone,” says Elder Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve. “How am I supposed to do 6 stake conferences in 4 weeks? Not only am I running low on energy, I’m running low on material. Give Elder Andersen a break.”

But the First Presidency is adamant that the new Patreon system is destined to improve Conference for everyone. In a letter to be read in all congregations next week, the Presidency asserts that, “It is a part of our sacred duty to support those called by God to be the best they can be. This new project will ensure our leaders will be constantly focused on what is most important to you, and will help them all sharpen their speaking, singing, dancing, and video editing skills.”

The First Presidency Patreon group already has over 8000 supporters and, if it reaches the stretch goal of 12,000, they promise to devote this years entire Christmas Devotional to the story of how the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was once secretly infiltrated by an unknown number of non-avian dinosaurs and how they were completely eliminated with the insightful help of then new Apostle, Elder Cook.