We’re back again to judge the fuck out of these crazy ass adult children . Let’s get into it.

photo courtesy of @stassischroeder

The episode starts off with Lala and Stassi going over to Brittany’s to help with her boudoir shoot for Jax’ wedding gift. Brittany is so beautiful and that hair ugh I will never fucking get over it. Stassi tells the girls about how she actually feels relieved after returning from NOLA for her grandmother’s funeral. She describes it as a “lovefest” for her grandmother. That makes me extremely happy to hear that she’s okay after enduring all of that. The death of a grandparent is tough for anyone.

The girls bring up Kristen’s rampage at Katie and Tom’s housewarming party. Brittany worries if there will be drama at her wedding if Carter were to come. Yes, Brittany, he’s involved with Kristen fucking Doute of course there will be drama. Keep in mind that Kristen has been known to knock a bitch out at a social gathering. She tells the girls if Carter and Kristen are broken up he is not fucking going to Miami or anything else that has to do with her wedding. Brittany is also a bridezilla but she’s definitely not as bad as Jax.

Lala tells them that she’s meeting up with James at the studio. The two have had a horrible friendship but also a very sweet one at the same time. We’ll see how this goes. Where’s 50Cent?

photo courtesy of Starcasm

New hot kid on the block, Brett, is not only a bartender but he’s also LVP’s personal trainer. FUCK. He is hot. I’d pay him 50 dollars to punch me in the fucking face. LVP asks him how SUR is and he explains that Scheana is being her Scheana boy crazy self. Wow it’s almost like he’s never fucking seen an episode of Pump Rules in his life. Wow.

Scheana, Max, and Dayna too —

At SUR, Queen Scheana is in charge of training NKOTB Charli, Dayna, and Brett. Charli is also a new cast member, though not full time, and she seems pretty darn cute from what I’ve seen/heard. Scheana isn’t too hype to be training Dayna. I wouldn’t be either. She seems likes a bitch. Scheana is finally turning into the person she admires most, Stassi. She is making Dayna do every damn thing she really doesn’t have to. I love it. Dayna asks Scheana if they’re okay obviously they’re not and Scheana proceeds to call Dayna out for fucking Max. I really fucking love messy Scheana.

Dayna and Max are having a date while Scheana, the love of my life Ariana, and another NKOTB Danica are also having a date. Danica is an assistant manager at SUR who is currently suspended because her boyfriend, who also works at SUR I told you this incestious shit was real , wanted to have a threesome so she pushed him. LOL. I like her already.

The girls bring up Dayna and Max and Danica calls Max the thirstiest bitch she’s ever met. I really fucking love her. She tells Scheana and Ariana about how he brought two girls to TomTom and he fucked both of them, but not at the same time. Nice. He also mentioned to those girls he fucked at different times that he owned some percentage of TomTom. Okay. The Tom’s only own 10%, combined, of TT so how much of that do you own Max? You’re a dick.

Dayna asks Max about Scheana. She tells Max how Scheana made her do petty side work at SUR out of spite. Boohoo oh my God. Max starts telling Dayna how Scheana told him that she froze her eggs and stopped taking birth control and how he’s just too young to be involved with someone like that. Dayna thinks it’s weird that Scheana told a “27 year old boy” this. 27 is close to 30. Not only is Max old, he’s also a dick. Max says that Katie and Lala really like Dayna and want to attend her comedy show. I would take what they say in stride considering the fact that they both fucking hated each other until Lala let Katie ride in her private jet .

Dayna explains the reason that she got into comedy was because her mother, who died of brain cancer, suggested that she should. That’s really sad and I feel horrible for her. Fuck cancer.

James, Lala, and Easton (?) too —

Lala is in the studio listening to her brother, Easton, record a track. Easton is really cute and by the way did anyone know she had a fucking brother? Anyway, James pops in and we get down to business. Lala explains to James that she knows he’s a good person he’s okay even though he’s done some God awful things, but she’ll take the good over the bad because she misses her friend. James doesn’t remember all the fucked up shit he’s done to the group and I believe him because he was probably drunk as all fucking fuck when he lashed out all those times. They play a montage of all his iconic moments on this show. What would we do without him? He says changed he says this every fucking season and they call a truce.

Kristen, Kristen, and Kristen too —

Stassi brings Beau Beau lunch to his casting office. Lala is helping LVP at Vanderpump Dogs, and Brittany, Katie, Ariana, Kristen, and Scheana go tacky wedding dress shopping for her upcoming bachelorette trip. Okay these are too many fucking scenes at once and I have self diagnosed from Google ADHD so let’s take five vyvanse break this down.

Stassi tells Beau Beau about how Kristen brought Carter to Tom and Katie’s housewarming party. The most annoying thing about Kristen and Carter is that everyone in the group has to be involved in their drama. Stassi is over it and even Beau Beau is too. I noticed at Bravocon that Beau Beau was super cold to Kristen. He may be more pissed than Stassi. She even got Beau Beau mad? Damn Kristen bitch.

Lala tells LVP how much of a fucking clusterfuck of a fuck relationship Kristen is in. LVP thinks Kristen is desperate to just be in a stable relationship. She is right but aren’t we fucking all?

Kristen is venting to the girls about how she’s trying to be strong and overcome this, but Carter is pretty much manipulating her into staying. Carter does seem like the type. Considering the fact that he’s a sugar baby I wouldn’t want to fucking leave either. Milk the cow, Carter.

Oh wow look at that. This episode is mostly about Kristen so far. WOW.

Jax, Brittany, Max the Dick, Scheana, The Toms, and some other people too —

Brittany and Jax are ring shopping again for another ring? I’ve never been married and probably never will so I’m confused as fuck. Jax doesn’t know who Prince Harry is. Just thought I’d put that out there. They talk about Kristen afuckingain. Jax basically says that Carter isn’t going to let this good thing go to waste. The good thing being Kristen’s money. If Carter can’t come to Miami for the bachelor/bachelorette trip, he knows he’s going to be fucked.

Scheana is still fucking with Dayna. LOL. It’s not nice but I don’t like Dayna so I don’t care. Continue Queen of SUR. Ariana comes into SUR to talk to LVP after their cold exchange last season. Not a lot of people can go up against LVP but I know Ariana can do it. Ariana asks LVP if she could work some more shifts and LVP is hesitant because of the back and forth the two of them have had recently. LVP did shit on Sandoval and Ariana is only doing what any other significant other would, stick up for them. LVP turns down Ariana’s bartending request and Ariana goes into how she’s been depressed, even after all of the success she’s had. I absolutely hate this for her and really hope she can get out of this depression. We love you, Ariana.

Scheana wants Brett’s sperm for her eggs. So do I, Scheana, so do I. He pulls her to the side to let her know to stop being a crazy ass bitch and get off my dick, but in a nice way. He isn’t a dick, like some other people we know Max . Also Brett call me I’d be on your dick any day of the week.

The gang gets to Dayna’s comedy show. I think I may be a little too hard on her but she just feels like too much of a Stassi carbon copy. I won’t even dignify calling her Stassi 2.0. Max tells Sandoval that he really likes her but Scheana is desperately trying to fuck it up. Lala says that Scheana has peed on Max and he is now her territory. I wish I knew how to fucking photoshop. I’d cropped Scheana’s head and her gigantic fucking hoop earrings on a Yorkie so fast. Dayna’s comedy show is okay. She’s making morbid jokes about her mom who died from brain cancer. I would probably laugh and say what the fuck at the same but since she’s not Stassi I’ll just say what the fuck.

Kristen, Kristen, and Carter too… with a little more Kristen —

Jax and Katie are helping Kristen pack. Side note I’d really fucking love one of those Tom Schwartz shirts that Jax is wearing. Where can I get one? Anyway, Jax proceeds to tell us how it’s impossible for Kristen to be alone, which is part of the reason why she can’t leave him either. Carter calls and it still sounds like they’re together because they probably are . She tells Jax and Katie that Carter will not be moving in with her I’m sure he probably will . Jax is telling Carter that he can’t come to Miami with the group and Kristen tells him “good luck”. LOL. Carter is just as fucking crazy as Kristen. Explains why they’re together. Jax tells Kristen to make Carter start Ubering or get him the fuck out of her life. Emphasis on her life. This is pissing me of because no one in this fucking group has any right to talk about what’s being done wrong in a relationship. Carter comes in and he and Jax have a one on one. Jax suggest that Kristen and Carter take a break and Carter suggest they fucking not. He disinvites Carter from the Miami trip and Carter takes it well. This is a fucking mess. What the fuck.

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