TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the small boy would never again indulge in the unleavened pleasure of sticking his hand down his own pants without being overwhelmed by all-consuming shame and deep self-loathing. “You can’t just do that, Charlie.” Sources close to the family report the bright smile and sunny disposition that had once defined the 3-year-old, along with the simple bliss of holding his penis, has given way to a bland numbness as the spark of curiosity fades from his dulled eyes.

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