“Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he’s saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney says he’s never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country.” – Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘See, I do reach out to poor people.” – Jay Leno

“Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney’s running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know who’s hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping.” – David Letterman

“Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman. He sleeps in his office. And I got to thinking, ‘What? Isn’t that what got Clinton in trouble?'” – David Letterman

“Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They’re busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.” – David Letterman

“On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money.” – David Letterman

“A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study… will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that’s the price you pay for preventing something that doesn’t happen.” – Jon Stewart

“Welcome to “The Tonight Show” — or as Comcast calls us, “The Expendables.” As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized ‘The Tonight Show’. We’ve consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon. And more bad news. It turns out now we’ve been taken over by Bain Capital.” – Jay Leno