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A popular app for both Android and iPhone, Clash of Clans is a combat strategy game designed to waste your money because it's almost literally impossible to advance by playing for free. I know this because I've been trying to play for about five months now without spending any money, and you basically just end up stagnating for a month at a time, then advancing very slightly, then repeating the process.

If you have seen the delightful animated commercials, you know nothing about the game. Mostly you just spend lots of resources, which you do not have a lot of, unless you pay real money for them to build and upgrade things. You do this over and over for months, and each upgrade takes longer than the last unless you pay to make it happen faster.

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This game is easy to enjoy for anyone with thumbs and a penchant for monotony or money-wasting, whether he be an adult male of Western European ancestry or a noble Native American member of the Navajo tribe. Choose your defenses, build your army of archers, giants, warriors, and wizards, and see how well you fare laying siege to other users who, if they paid any money at all, will be better than you.

Accuracy Check: This segment of the column was checked for accuracy by author and samaritan Gladstone. Gladstone does not own a smartphone but does have a rotary phone. He felt the clan clashing in the game was probably too much like racial violence and refused to participate further. As such, this review has gone unverified by a third-party official and may contain falsehoods spun from the author's own deranged mind, such as this claim about wizards in the game. I mean, wizards? That sounds patently false.

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Transparency: Felix Clay wishes it to be known he plays this game exclusively on the toilet. If you feel objectified or oppressed by knowing Felix plays games on the toilet, write your congressperson.

Fairness and Accountability Overview: Felix Clay has no money and is therefore unable to fully enjoy this game and its in-game, purchase-based game play. His abject poverty is not to be construed as an endorsement of playing this game without the use of microtransactions and should not be considered a reflection of the fun and game play experience you, as a gamer who is either a Caucasian, cisgendered, heterosexual male or whatever other races and sexual identities are permitted to play games these days, will have playing this game.