It was a day like any other. I spent most of my afternoon acting like I was working, you know, browsing r/cowboys & r/nfl . When all of a sudden, my trusty and obviously jealous colleague brings in this somewhat innocuous package while commenting, "friend in Hawaii?" I lightly disarm his comment with a shrug and light shake to my head.

I can hardly contain my excitement when I see the Star artfully drawn on the side of the box and "aloha from Hawaii" written on another side. "An artist," I say to myself as my mind starts to swim with thoughts of what thoughts this wonderful person has put into this gift. This anonymous person spent so much time on the outside! They had to put the same or even more into the gift.

The box was slightly dinged here and there so I could only hope that my new masterpiece would be unscathed. Damn the delivery person! Or was it a passive aggressive gesture from my envious co-worker? Either way I must open this gift to confirm its health.

I peel back the tape and start to smell something not common in the suburbs of the Mid-Atlantic in which I reside. Was it the sweet sea-air of Maui or the jungle aroma of an Oahu rain forest?

Well kind of, ladies and gentlemen, it was the smell of a brand spanking new camouflaged Cowboys hat. My first thought was, "HOT DAMN, a new hat!!!" My second thought was, I was absolutely right, my Closet Clause was an absolute genius!

My gifter must know that as a Cowboys fan nothing would be more tasty than to hunt and slay the Eagles! This started my mind racing, “but what else could I use the hat for?”

Now, I’m not a hunter but consider myself a bit of an amateur chef. Now that I could hunt my own prey with this amazing cloaking helmet, I began to plan the amazing meals that I would be able to bring to my family's table this football season. I’m no cannibal, so I'll keep it to the non-human football teams this year.

Let's see:

09/20 Eagle with Sage, Celery and Blood Orange - I'm a sucker for Sage, the kids love cooked celery and the blood orange will be in honor of the Eagles blood spilled on the snowball and battery laden field in Philly.

09/27 Faucon Fricassee - apparently Falcon is tough so I think marinating and then frying would be the best way to enjoy this bird of prey.

11/01 Seahawk Jägerschnitzel - Seahawk breasts pounded thin, dusted in flour and served with a mushroom gravy. A riff of the German classic jägerschnitzel. A Seahawk is basically a Seagull which are rats with wings, therefore interchangeable with pigeons. I figured they would be pounded so much from losing to us it would save me that step.

11/08 Eagle Tamale Casserole - Hey we're in Texas this week, so might as well stick to the Southwest theme!

11/22 Burger King Fish Sandwich - OK, this is reddit afterall. I know the last thing people are supposed to mess with are cats & Dolphins. This is war though people! I once heard a rumor back in the 90's that Burger King had dolphin in their fish sandwiches. Take that Flipper!

11/26 Deep Fried Turkey Panther with all the fixin's - It's Thanksgiving... Sorry kids, fluffy is on the menu tonight! forgive me, gods of reddit

12/13 Fondue - My wife is an avid Packers fan and was even born in Milwaukee. I will harness my years of reconnaissance being married to this one of cheese & PBR. I will skillfully use the powers of my new hat of invisibility to sneak past the Bratwurst distracted Cheese Packers to retrieve only the best fondue cheeses in the nation. I will have to be very careful as their king, the one they call Rodgers apparently has a gaze that makes even the best of us fall deeply in love with him (poor, poor Olivia).

12/27 Buffalo Burgers - I mean come on, have you ever had one? YUMMMM! Plus they move really slow and are dumb. Easy pickings! (That said, Go Tyrod Taylor!)

BON APPETIT!

To Santa,

Thanks so much for the hat! I look forward to wearing it well this year and beyond!!!

Have a great football season and Go Cowboys & F*** the Eagles!!!