Problems with this clip, ranked in ascending order:

13.) Profanity (excessive, poorly used; 15-yard penalty assessed from the spot of the foul)

12.) That little bit of drool at 0:46

11.) Honda Accord ownership

10.) Yelling

9.) Living with your parents, but being kinda bitter about it?

8.) Backwards hat

7.) Wait until someone tells him there's a professional soccer team here, and that Darwin Quintero is such a bad, bad man with the ball at his feet that people call him "The Scientist," as in Darwin, and no one bats an eye.

6.) Twitter misspelling (is "Cuncel" a thing now? If it is, let's not, and pretend we never did.)

5.) "Every day is fucking miserable!": Untrue, friend, for there is a stretch every winter where the Timberwolves, Wild, and Vikings seem full of promise, the Twins are sitting on a handful of favorable prospects, and the Lynx, often enough, are the reigning champions. Enjoy those days. They are what you've been given. Or, consider making friends or getting a dog.

4.) "Even if I live to 80!": As a matter of fact, actuarial tables might have you getting well past 80, as American healthcare, while too expensive, is quite literally full of life-saving miracles these days, and people are living longer than ever. While it's hard to prospect what the 2097 Minnesota Vikings squad will be like, as none of them (and few of their parents) are yet born, you should hold out hope, young man. That might be your year.

3.) Wanna make videos like this, bro? Put on an Eagles jersey. Then wait half hour before admitting you actually live in fucking Delaware.

2.) Audio issues (back... away... from the microphone)

1.) "AND DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ABOUT THE FUCKING LYNX! I DON'T FUCKING CARE"-- eh, know what, man?

Know who doesn't care?

Us, about a man sitting in his car screaming into a phone and begging for sympathy, when he seems to have a number of things going for him: a car, a phone, whiteness, parents who let you live with them (UNLESS YOU YELL ABOUT A GAME THE VIKINGS LOST IN WEEK 3, EIGHT MONTHS AND TWO DAYS REMOVED FROM A RUN TO THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP, GAWD MOM LEAVE ME ALONE), and the privilege of living in a fine state, one with several professional sports teams where the tickets are, all in all, relatively affordable, and the fans are loyal, and smart, and thoughtful -- and open to losing, because sometimes life is about losing, and we know there are people out there who don't even have a thing to lose -- and cool about it.

Most of them, anyway.

[Note: City Pages was unable to finish this video, despite its brevity, because we had to get back to work. We would encourage you and the man who filmed it to do the same.]