After yet another set of mediocre results in the North American LCS playoffs, Counter Logic Gaming is about to take a controversial step forward by scrimming against their own damaged psyches. William “Scarra” Li, the team’s coach, was seen bargaining with a sallow-faced man in a heavy trench coat before walking into a mysterious antique shop. A few hours later, he was seen walking out of the shop with what appeared to be hardware supplies, muttering that he “wished it didn’t have to come to this.”

“CLG reminds me of Hamlet, in a way: both face many external pressures, but in the end, the main conflict is internal,” explained Li. “However, Hamlet went 3/1, which is better than many players on CLG.”

While CLG has traditionally lacked the resources of teams like TSM, C9, and TL, their gaming house does have one addition that other teams lack – a basement covered in blue tarps, wood-cutting hardware, and polyethylene bathtubs.

Li — shouting “I’m so sorry, I love you” as tears streaming down his face — pinned each player, one by one, into the bathtub with a plank of plywood as they began to experience what can only be described as a blend of Freud’s strangest theories on consciousness and Lovecraft’s darkest imaginings.

“If they can out-rotate the spiders under their skin, they can out-rotate TSM, easy,” Li mentioned mournfully while Doublelift’s fists pounded against the plywood in successively weaker blows.

This experience was meant to mimic the solo terror and confusion that comes with laning against Keane’s Urgot.

Team owner George “HotshotGG” Georgallidis was seen solemnly watching from the observation balcony. “Changes need to be made, ” he said, wiping sweat from his brow and wielding a bonesaw, “and they will be made.”

After the process had finished, all five of the players were successfully resuscitated and were surveyed as to the success of the program. Darshan “ZionSpartan” Upadhyaha noted that he had newfound respect for his teammates and coaches, but begged for us to “keep him away from the little man in the coat. Goddamnit, can’t you see him? Can’t you fucking see him?”

“In my visions, I was in some sort of dark pit,” recounted Jake “Xmithie” Puchero. “I was stumbling around, looking for light, when I saw them. All of my missed Sejuani ultimates. They were sitting in a circle around me, and they were chanting, ‘O God most cruel, why hath Thou caged us in this hellish limbo?’”

“But the worst part was their soulless, black eyes,” Puchero added. “Eyes like chasms. Eyes that judged my very soul.”

Interestingly enough, Austin “Link” Shin reported the least disturbing hallucinations. “All I saw were a group of angry, overweight men in their 20s,” he said. “They were relentlessly beating a dead horse.”

HotshotGG hopes that the experience has not only rejuvenated his team’s performance, but also reignited fan interest. Capitalizing on the waxing tide of fan support, Georgallidis has started to produce a reality-TV style show of the team, titled “0-3 Rock.”



