SL Letter of the Day: It Is Better

Hey, Dan: Life is not horrible. I am an American college student. Compared to most places in the world, I'm pretty well off. Oh, and I go to college in Bellingham—the weed is awesome, the weather is great, and there are lots of hot guys. Score! But! I'm a homo. And I didn't know how horrible my life was before I got here.... It seems like every gay or queer event/person who is involved in anything gay/queer on campus has this idea that gay people are SO oppressed that we need to constantly discuss it and feel like victims. Don't get me wrong: we are a ways away from equality, and I recognize this. But it seems that the constant thread on college campuses for queers—other than talking about Lady Gaga or sucking dick—is complaining about, putting on events about, or creating overly-inclusive language about how oppressed queer people are. How do I respectfully say, "STFU, we're doing just fine, you white, upper-class American kids" without sounding like an insensitive assdouche? M.G.

My response after the jump...

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You know... when I came out to my parents in 1981ishwhateversomething, telling mom and dad that I was gay didn't just mean telling them I liked to kissandotherstuff boys. It meant telling them that I would never marry, never have children, and never be a Marine. Or at least that's what I thought I was telling them. Because here we are, three short decades later, and I'm married. And I have a child. And now I can be a Marine. (Not that I want to be a Marine—well, not anymore. After seeing this pic in today's NYT I wanna be a Navy Seal.)

And I live in Seattle, where the weed is awesome (I'm told), the weather is great (if you like to snowboard), and the boy I marriedandkissandotherstuff is a lotta hot guy all by himself.

So I agree with you, M.G. Things are good. Things have gotten better—and not just for me.

But we have work left to do. We have our full civil equality yet to secure, for starters, homo- and transphobic violence to confront, bigoted lawmakers to defeat. But the discrimination and challenges we face shouldn't prevent us from appreciating the good things. Yes, it has gotten better. That doesn't mean we can ignore the bashings and outrages and tragedies. But we shouldn't be so in love with our victimization—or so insecure about the progress we've made so far—that we can't acknowledge the triumphs and joys and Navy Seals.

So I'm with you, M.G.—up to a point.

I disagree about the STFU part. You don't have to hang out with the kind of LGBT activists who aren't capable of fighting for our full civil equality—theirs, mine, and yours—while also enjoying all the good things life has to offer. But not all LGBT activists are humorless scolds. Some are, for sure (and they tend to be overrepresented on college campuses), but there are plenty of people out there who can organize a protest one night and a party with good weed and cute boys the next.

And guys like you and me, M.G., the gay guys who have it good, we have to remember that there are LGBT folks out there who have it lousy and not all of them are in a position to speak up for themselves. Let me see if I can think of an example... okay, got one: There are bullied and isolated and abused LGBT kids out there who don't live in places like Bellingham or Seattle, who don't have the love and support of their parents, and who aren't "doing fine." If we don't speak up for those isolated LGBT kids, if we don't do something, who will? (And for the record: there are lots and lots and lots of loved and accepted LGBT kids out there too—not all LGBT kids are miserable—who are doing fine and fighting for their own rights and the rights of other LGBT kids.)

We don't have to mope around in sackcloth and ashes because some folks out there are miserable. We don't have to pretend that we feel oppressed 24/7 when we clearly aren't. And we don't have to attend pointless queer events that are run/overrun by LGBT whiners who mistake wallowing in self-pity for activism and imagined slights for outrages. And once you get out of college, M.G., you'll find that most of us aren't moping, pretending, or attending. Most of us are getting on with our lives.

But, again, not all LGBT people are doing fine, M.G., just as not all LGBT people are white or upper-class or in college or lucky enough to live in a Bellingham or a Seattle. And if you're in a position to do something, M.G., you should. It doesn't have to take over your life and you don't have to pretend to be any more oppressed than you actually are. But you should do something. Because the only thing more annoying than a whiny, college-age queer with a persecution complex is a smug, college-age queer who takes his good fortune for granted and could give a shit about other people because, hey, he's got his (his weed, his boys, his education).

I'm not saying you're that guy, M.G. In fact, I know you're not. But be careful you don't become that guy.