You probably wear your seatbelt, look both ways before crossing the street and make sure your chicken is cooked thoroughly before cramming it into your mouth. Safety first, right? Well guess what, you're not taking it nearly far enough. Judging by the safety gear out there on the market, there are horrifying, retarded dangers you've never even thought of. Advertisement

7 "The Back Up" Bed Shotgun System What's the American dream? We're going to have to go with, "Laying in bed whilst fighting off hordes of criminals and/or zombies." Continue Reading Below Advertisement But damn is that hard to coordinate. You want to be all comfy and your shotgun is way over there in the closet. That straight up sucks. You could get out of bed, but what is this, North Korea? You could just let the criminals and zombies eat you, but that's the Canadian way. What you need is a solution to bring bed and shotgun together in a comfy, lethal combo. Say hello to the Back Up. It's a shotgun mounting rack that fits between your mattress and box spring so that, in a pinch, your shotgun is mere seconds away and you don't have to stop watching Maury or stop eating pistachios to get it. At this point you're probably already polishing your gun and all atwitter with excitement that you need not expend any extra effort in shooting those hooligans who keep coming into your bedroom. Continue Reading Below Advertisement But wait, is that trepidation? Worried that you sleep on the wrong side of the bed? Fear not! As the website states, thanks to the Back Up's patented design, it can fit on either side of the bed. In fact, they recommend putting one on both sides, so that you can take out the fuckers coming in the door while your wife peppers rounds into the zombies at the window.

6 "The Evacuchut" Office Building Escape Parachute Continue Reading Below Advertisement Everyone who works in a tall office building these days has to, in the back of their mind, imagine what they'd do in the event of a massive fire on the floors below them. We've all seen horrible images of this scenario playing out, and of course here we're talking about the70s movie The Towering Inferno, starring Faye Dunaway, Steve McQueen and OJ Simpson. Fortunately, for those of us who fear that kind of nightmare situation, and who like to rely on cartoon logic to solve our problems, there is the Evacuchute. Peace of mind is just $2,500 away. Designed for the office worker who would rather crash out of a window from the 93rd floor than wait for a potential rescue, the Evacuchute is your workplace emergency parachute evacuation system of choice. Continue Reading Below Advertisement And just because any school that teaches BASE jumping won't even think of training you unless you've done about 100 skydives and are fully licensed, odds are you'll do fine when you're in a panic and, with no training, bash out the window of your office and fly to safety when the smoke alarm goes off because someone overcooked some microwave popcorn.