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Good news/bad news from Asterios, acquiring Maddox’s debt, terrible line reads and the Fox cartoon that never sold, dogpiles and dog cuddles, #WomensHistoryMonth, the story of the Trump selfie, life in Iraq, the war on porn in war, a very cucky Erotic Story from a Real Man, The MtG lightning round, Irish Pubs, comforters getting jammed in their comforter sleeves, YIIK: A Post-Modern PRG and writing the great American video game, and Erik Wong falls asleep; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

It’s not the resolution we were hoping for, but sadly, it may be the only resolution we’re going to get. Lacking in funds to pursue the matter–and perhaps because of a creeping keratitis of the soul, Asterios has agreed to sell Maddox’s $290 in NY court-ordered debt to me. It’s an interesting field the world of debt and the collection of it, the relentless and nihilistic creep of inexorable failure. Acedia they called it in Medieval Times, and it sounds like my kind of fun! I’m currently investigating how I can most efficiently squeeze blood from nothing. We will follow the shit-rainbow to the end, and I will present my findings directly.

Also, if you haven’t already, get your tickets to Road Rage: Melbourne, which is not yet sold out! But first…

American troops may be bringing freedom and democracy–and student loans to the Middle East in due time, but at what cost?

In this episode, I learn that the Army doesn’t allow pornography in its ranks, and I have never heard anything so existentially sick. Here we have young men risking their lives and heterosexuality on the other side of the world, and they can’t enjoy a good beat off to some home-grown, good old-fashioned, American bit tits hentai pornography? Ridiculous.

What are they even fighting for?

It’s embarrassing for the US is the reason given. I guess that’s true. War is optics. A never-ending commercial for American democracy to stave off buyers remorse. Lexus ad after Lexus ad reminding you of the value of your life and not the value of your purchase.

War isn’t cheap, and neither is freedom.

That’s a buyer’s remorse ad. You see them when you paid too much for something.

Is it to keep testosterone levels high? I’ve heard that. American armed forces fight on the edge. Past the cutting edge–even past the bleeding edge, I’m talking about Cumming Edge–that razor thin and sticky line that separates a ravenous pack of berserker alpha male warriors from a days-long gay orgy spilling all over Islam until everyone just gets it out of their system. Nature is an ugly and efficient killer, and nature is scarcity. The scarcity of flesh above all else.

Or maybe–and this is obviously the third, “joke” answer–maybe it’s because it’s hard to understand war in the face of tits. It’s hard to understand a lot of things in the face of tits; honor, love, tradition, how much dinner and drinks costs, what is funny vs. what is not funny. Tits will make you forget all that. It’s a titty conundrum and an ideological synesthesia caused by and only by tits. “What the hell am I doing here?” Soldiers might ask, “And what am I doing to get some of these tits?”

The toppling of pornography leaves a power vacuum that is quickly filled by death cults and video games. I blame women, because it’s women’s history month and in the last five days, I have learned that women truly can do anything if they put their minds to it. Like ending the war in the Middle East. We just have to catch them at their best instead of always dealing with them at their worst.

Good episode! Great stories from everyone. See you next Tuesday.

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