Gay couples advised to carefully weigh whether to wed

Barrett Newkirk | The (Palm Springs, Calif.) Desert Sun

PALM SPRINGS, Calif. -- After two major rulings from the U.S. Supreme Court in June that brought gay marriage back to California and expanded rights for same-sex spouses across the country, gay couples throughout California rushed to tie the knot.

For couples who had been together a long time, often for decades, marriage was an obvious move. But experts warned gay couples that just because they can suddenly get married, doesn't mean they should — at least not right away.

"I think for so many of us getting married is a political statement. Certainly, it was a symbolic one," Jill Gover, director of counseling at the LGBT Community Center of the Desert, said during a panel discussion Wednesday titled "What's Next?"

The event was a look at the legal and personal questions that may be on people's minds after the rulings that effectively invalidated Proposition 8 in California and struck down a key piece of the federal Defense of Marriage Act.

"For many people there will be this temptation, this very understandable urge to get married because we can and because for so long we could not," Gover said. "But I'm going to caution against that impulsive decision to marry because marriage may not be right for everyone."

As another panelist, estate-planning adviser Chris Heritage, put it, "Walk to the altar. Don't run to the altar."

Heritage stressed couples should talk with their own advisers to see how marriage may affect taxes or health benefits.

There's also the question of what happens if the marriage doesn't work out. Under the law, Heritage said, divorcing couples would have their assets split in half. To get around that, he said, couples may want to consider a prenuptial agreement.

The Supreme Court rulings are probably going to have little impact on couples in existing domestic partnerships, he said.

Panelists did encourage married couples to also register as domestic partners and to take other steps that may give them more rights if they travel to states where their marriage isn't recognized.

Gover suggested that anyone having doubts about a marriage should wait or try some pre-marital counseling.

Cathy Cheshire and Lan Sing Wu are past that point.

The couple, who attended the panel discussion in Palm Springs, Calif., already have their marriage license and will be married Friday at their Palm Springs home. Both in their 70s, the women have known each other for 20 years and been partners for 13.

"So many people have fought for this, and we want to honor those people by getting married," Wu said.

Cheshire said the panel was a reminder that more progress is needed to bring gay marriage to the whole country.

Panelist Geoff Kors, the former head of Equality California, who is now with the National Center for Lesbian Rights, said gay marriage activists want to keep pushing so that by 2016 half the U.S. population lives in states with legal gay marriage.

Advances in Illinois and New Jersey could happen this year, Kors said, with Hawaii and Oregon strong possibilities for 2014.