The Rage Inside: Mastering Explosive Irritability and Anger

By JB Burrage







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Anger can be one of the most difficult symptoms of bipolar—but being aware of the warning signs can help you manage it once and for all.

Keeping My Cool vs. Revealing My Irritability

At first glance, I can seem very cool and a little stoic. I give the appearance that I just let things roll off my back without reacting. Most people who don’t really know me would just think that I’m a very chill guy. Indeed, I try my hardest not to let things get to me. I view showing that I’m upset about something as a way of tipping my hand.

But what a lot of people don’t know is that I can be a very irritable person, whether or not I’m in an episode. Of course, people who deal with me fairly often know this; these people would be able to tell you if I seem to be irritated over something. But one thing most people haven’t seen is the full extent of my temper.

The “Explosive” Anger of My Youth and Early Adulthood

Most people who have known me throughout the years know that not only can I be a very irritable person, I also can have an “explosive” temper that can come almost without warning. Luckily, it’s not as bad as it was when I was a teenager; but, in the past, I was known for punching holes in walls and breaking stuff.

I remember one incident in my early days in the US Army when I was so angry, I punched and smashed a random picture frame. The sergeant on duty called the chaplain, who talked with me for about 30 or 45 minutes to calm me down. In my defense, I was going through a lot; and, one day, I reached my breaking point after holding it all in for months. Surprisingly, I didn’t hurt myself. The next day, my commander had a one-on-one talk with me about how that was uncalled-for, but I didn’t get into any serious trouble.

While I have never physically harmed anyone during my explosive moments, I’m sure I scared the hell out of a lot of people.

Connecting My “Bad Temper” with My Bipolar Disorder

One day, when I started going through the whole process of understanding the fact that I had a brain-based disorder, I realized that my bad temper was part of bipolar. In fact, my temper was an indication to a lot of people that I had bipolar disorder; I was known for “exploding” for no reason, then suddenly returning to being calm, as if nothing had happened.

But that revelation, connecting my bipolar and my anger, also left me confused: When I get angry, is it because I’m experiencing normal emotions or it is a part of my bipolar disorder?

It took me a while to distinguish between anger as an emotional response and irritable anger as a result of bipolar, and sometimes I still have trouble. While I understand the difference to a certain degree, I still find myself defending myself against people who know about my bipolar.

When I get upset, some people are quick to assume that it’s just because I have bipolar. I have to explain that I have a legitimate reason to be upset and that I’m capable of “normal” (if there is such a thing as normal) human emotions.

However, the bipolar disorder does add a little bit of an extra flair to it. For example, when I’m hypomanic, even though it’s a very euphoric feeling, I’m also very edgy. That’s when every little thing irritates the living heck out of me.

Feeling Rage & Using Words that Wound

It took me years to tone down my anger from the point where I’m not punching stop signs (yes, I did that once as a teenager) to where it is now. I haven’t completely mastered it, and I’m not sure if I ever will. I still can “explode,” but now it’s more with my words than it is about finding the nearest thing to throw or smash.

I know words can hurt, and when I’m provoked, I do “go for blood,” so to speak (not literally—I’m not out there punching people!). Controlling that urge to verbally lash out is the hardest part of my efforts to bring my temper under wraps.

You would think, after all of that, I would’ve taken some kind of anger management course. I’ve never done that, and, honestly, I probably never will. I’m not discouraging anyone from doing so. Personally, I just feel that it’s not for me.

Controlling My Anger and Irritability Now

I don’t like losing my temper. And for a few reasons:

It’s very emotionally and physically exhausting.

It can trigger my anxiety attacks. I remember many times when, after I “exploded,” my chest would hurt—and there were a couple of times where the room would start spinning, and I couldn’t move.

Just like with anything else with this illness, the irritability and anger also lead to damaged relationships that I have to repair or let go of.

I now provide warning signs to people before I react. I also try to remove myself from the situation when I feel that my anger is about to rear its ugly head.

I’m getting better at this. But I still have a lot of work to do.