They tried to slip it by me at 6 pm on a Monday night. No no no. It’s my favorite picture of the entire year. So without further ado, the awards.

Every single year Andy Reid does this. He treats NFL picture day like a cookout in his backyard. He dunks on every other coach trying to look “presentable” or “put together”. He puts on his favorite Hawaiin, sucks down a couple of daiquiris and rolls into the middle of picture day.

You know when people put “goals” on Instagram captions as they jealously lust for someone else’s “perfect” life? Well that’s what I’m doing right now. Andy Reid wearing a Hawaiin shirt while the rest of his colleagues put on button down shirts and blazers is “goals”. He is everything you should attain to be in life. Successful. Rich. Easy Going. And owner of a pair of ankles that could be crossed up a million times without breaking.

Someday, when Andy Reid has retired from the NFL and walked away from the game he loves so much, I’d like to think the coaches will raise one of Andy’s Hawaiin shirts to half mast, lift their margarita’s to the sky, and give a toast to the legend of picture day.

Also never forget.

The Ex-Cop Who Still Carries A Gun And Won’t Laugh At Any Of Your Jokes Award – Mike Zimmer

Mike Zimmer looks like an ex-cop that still drives around in a Crown Vic with a radar gun just for fun. He’ll have a beer, but he’ll judge everyone else who drinks more than 1. No funny business around Mike, unless we’re on the golf course, then he’ll let the occasional “God Dammit” fly after he slices his drive into the woods, only to profusely apologize for the next 6 holes for his lapse in etiquette.

The If I Wear A Team Hat Then This Is Real, I’m Actually An NFL Head Coach Award – Freddie Kitchens

I love new Head Coaches because you can tell that they haven’t had the time to buy real clothes so they stuff their sole button down shirt, that is most likely 20 years old, into their luggage and show up for picture day. Kliff Kingsbury gets tailored shirts, Fredd Kitchens grabs the nearest XXXL and calls it a day. The Browns hat is a nice gesture to let the media and his fellow coaches know exactly who he is.

Also, am I sneaky Head Coach material now? Because Freddie and I share the same tailor.

The South Florida Realtor Who Has An Instagram Full Of Million Dollar Homes And Shirtless Workout Pictures Award – Kliff Kingsbury

Freddie Kitchen is a Bullmastiff and Kliff Kingsbury is a perfectly manicured poodle, they’re both technically dogs, but thats where the similarities end. Kliff Kingsbury looks like a South Florida realtor who goes out 6 nights a week, does crossfit 5 days a week, and still finds time to sell million dollar homes on subprime mortgages while never disclosing the fact that the property will be 10 feet deep in the Atlantic ocean within the next decade.

The Balderage AKA Pete Carroll’s Fantasy – Dan Quinn And Sean McDermott

In an alternate universe Dan Quinn and Sean McDermott would make the perfect back up goons to WWF superstar Kliff Kingsbury. Like the Mean Street Posse back in the Day. Kliff is Sean O Mac and the other two are Joey Abs and Pete Gas. They know they’re not the show here but they can crack a few skulls with some steel chairs if need be. Just never let them get on the mic.

The Everyone’s Dad On Graduation Day Award – Doug Marrone

He’s hot, he’s sweaty, he forgot his sunglasses so he’s constantly squinting, and his handshake will break his daughter’s boyfriend’s forearm, that’s Doug Marrone. These are the nicest clothes he owns, and while he’s happy to be here to see his little sweetheart on graduation day, he really just wants to be back home in his Recliner with a bag of Lay’s and some homemade onion dip (His wife Kathy’s special recipe).

PS

Doug definitely showed up 45 minutes early so he could get a good seat aka the one on the end where he has the most space.

The Guy Stuck Next To The Sweaty Guy Trying Not To Invade His Space Award – John Harbaugh

Tuck those elbows in and give the big man some breathing room. No one wants to see Doug pass out. John knows CPR but not if Doug Marrone goes down, then he’s happy to dial 911 from afar.

The Absolute Unit Award – Doug Pederson

Doug Pederson needs his visor, because when he doesn’t have his visor, we’re all reminded of how much of a UNIT the man is.

Happy To Be Here Because Apparently Jerry Jones Gave Him A Contract For Life Award – Jason Garrett

“If I put on a blazer they can’t fire me for being undressed right? Right?”

The Blue Collar Worker Who Got Dressed Up (Sort Of) Award – Matt Patricia

Matt Patricia was changing out someone’s carburetor in that black undershirt a mere minutes before this picture was taken. He threw on the button down, stood up straight, and posed for your silly little picture. Now it’s back to the shop, what’s the point of pictures anyway? Maybe a picture of a 77 Mustang but people? People suck.

The Gun Show Award – Jon Gruden

It hasn’t been the best year for Jon Gruden, so when the chips are down Jon runs the only play he knows will work. Flash those guns. Picture day for some is a place to re-establish dominance, and that’s what Jon Gruden is doing here. Wouldn’t be shocked if he brought some of those elastic bands and gave himself a nice little bicep pump directly off camera before everyone sat down.

Also sweet, Saucony’s dude.

Guy Who Dressed As 2018 NFL Coach Of The Year Award – Matt Nagy

Not opinion, straight facts. Matt Nagy dressed as the reigning NFL Coach of the Year. A great look might I add.

The I Assume This Is Matt LeFleur and Zac Taylor But I’m Not 100% Sure So I’m Putting Both Of Their Pictures Here Award – Matt LeFleur and Zac Taylor

That’s them right? I think?

The Maybe If I Dress Like A Life Insurance Salesman No One Will Ask Me About The Odell Beckham Trade Award – Pat Shurmur

I’m not here to talk about Odell Beckham, I’d much rather talk about how permanent life insurance can be a great savings tool for your portfolio. I took one out just last year when Archie Manning threatened my life and it’s done wonders for my earnings.

The Could Still Play Award – Mike Vrabel

We get it Coach, you still lift. Bonus points for the mustache though.

The 20 Dollars At Sam’s Club Award – Ron Rivera

Ron Rivera not only bought this shirt at Sam’s Club, he bought 6 of the same ones and a couple in different colors. Just ask him, he’ll tell you about all the perks a Sam’s Club membership has given him. For 100 dollars a year you can be the boss of your savings.

The I Can’t Believe Bill Belichick Is Actually In This Picture Award – Bill Belichick

No seriously, I can’t believe it. Belichick, Sean Payton and Pete Carroll are usually absent from these pictures. Then again when you win your 6th ring it’s probably fun to show up to the old Coaches Pow-Wow in a pink shirt and cuffed khakis.

The New Coach That Didn’t Know How To Dress So He Did A Little Bit Of Everything Award – Brian Flores

Nice shoes, casual shirt, jeans, blazer. Brian Flores had no idea what was appropriate for this picture so he threw together 4 different looks and called it a day. Little did he know he’d be sitting next to the largest Hawaiin shirt ever made and this would all be irrelevant.

The Sitcom Grandpa Award – Vic Fangio

Hardass with a heart of Gold. This definitely counts as Vic Fangio’s easter pastels. Brightest colored shirt he owns.

Also, the Broncos/Raiders rivalry is officially BACK. What a battle for leg space between Vic and Gruden.

Last but certainly not least.

The Are We Sure He’s Alive Award – Jay Gruden

But seriously. Is Jay Gruden alive? He does not look well.