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THINGS have gotten heavy for the Irish property market, which crossed 88mph at the weekend, catapulting itself back to 2005 in a flourish of fire, sparks and loud noises.

Homeowners woke this morning to the 2005-sounding news that three-bedroom properties in the Dublin area are currently rising in value by up to 500 euro per week, a stark contrast to the 2017 property market which is well-regulated to prevent this exact kind of thing from happening.

In this weird new reality, house prices in Dublin are soaring ahead of the rest of the country, and demand far exceeds supply, prompting a mad dash by consumers to overpay for property as the media whips the whole industry up into a frenzy.

“Great Scot! We appear to have found ourselves back in 2005!” screamed a panicked Irish property market, looking around at the strangely familiar but eerily different landscape.

“We’d better find a way to return to 2017 pretty quickly, where there isn’t a chronic housing shortage and the sector isn’t being inflamed by speculators and property developers, setting house prices to whatever they feel like. We know how 2005 ended up, and we don’t want to be around for that! Get us back to 2017 where there’s zero chance of a property crash any time soon!”

UPDATE: WWN does not wish to alarm any potential home owners out there, but that house you liked the look of just rose by 275 euro since you started reading this article.