*Not a guarantee

Seeing as the world is currently a living nightmare, let’s all take a break together. A break to get toasted and think happy thoughts. So, grab your bong, pack your bowl, and take a rip. Now, sit back and relax. Follow my instructions, and by the end of this meditation exercise, your mind will be clear and your heart full. Now, take a deep breath. Hold it.

Clear your mind

Begin to exhale slowly. As you exhale, imagine your worries drifting off like a balloon at the zoo… a worry balloon that drifts further away towards the horizon… a worry balloon that will end up in the ocean, killing a marine animal. Your worry balloon has just strangled a baby sea otter. Are you happy with yourself? Sorry, sorry, my fault, happy thoughts. Let’s continue. Deep inhale.

Cleanse the body

Now that all of our worries have started to drift away (and have definitely not caused the death of a baby sea otter), turn your intentions towards your body. As you exhale, relax your body into your chair. Feel the tension in your back release into the memory foam cushion. A memory foam cushion that was probably made using all kinds of volatile organic compounds (V.O.C.s) which have been shown to cause cancer. How many hours have you spent sitting in that chair since you bought it? Sorry, sorry, again, my fault. Happy thoughts only, Scout’s Honor. Inhale deeply and hold it.

“Why do you want me dead?”

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Free the soul

At this point, our worries have drifted even further away (and are definitely not killing a cute cuddly sea otter. Look how cute and silly he is), and our stress has melted out of our body (and we definitely don’t have cancer from sitting in a chemical death chair). As you exhale, reach out and close your work email and turn off your phone. Even though you might lose your job. Because the economy could tank at any moment. And sure, everyone at work likes you, but what is it you actually “do” for the company? Sorry, sorry. I sincerely apologize. Happy thoughts from now on, I promise. One last deep inhale, and hold it.

“I will avenge my fallen otter brothers and sisters. This I swear.”

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Let it all go

Slowly exhale. See your worries vanish into memory (and not the memory of killing that poor, cute, cuddly, innocent, little, baby sea otter). Continue to exhale as the last of our stress leaves our body (a body that is totally not poisoned by breathing in “new chair smell” all day). And as the last of our breath leaves our lungs, our thoughts of work leave with it (because you are in a secure industry, right?). Your lungs are now empty, as is your mind and body. Is this what it is like to die?

Now, gasp for air as if you were drowning. You have come back into your body and awaken to the present. Namaste.

“You are breaking my heart chakra.”

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Wasn’t that a nice break from the worries of the world?

You should repeat this meditation exercise 15 to 3,179 times a day until you achieve Nirvana (or Foo Fighters if you are more of a Dave Grohl fan). Or until you quit your job. Whichever comes first.

I hope this meditation exercise helps. Now where did I leave my lighter? This bowl isn’t going to smoke itself.