BEIJING—On the heels of recent pro-Hong Kong comments by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Chinese officials responded to the criticism Tuesday by moving millions of Chinese citizens to NHL re-fanification camps. “To show that China will not tolerate this flagrant disrespect for our nation amongst the ranks of the NBA, we intend to enlighten our citizens in the ways of the National Hockey League,” said Vice Premier Han Zheng, overseeing the first of many re-fanification ceremonies in a detention center outside of Beijing where citizens were encouraged at gunpoint to throw NBA merchandise into bonfires and subsequently issued compulsory Sidney Crosby jerseys, posters of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and Blu-ray copies of The Cutting Edge. “With this action, we will undo the harmful legacy of basketball on our nation’s psyche, using unyielding exposure to the ways in which hockey aligns with the values of China, a dynasty not unlike that of the Boston Bruins. By the time our citizens board their trains back home, they will not remember that such a thing as the NBA ever existed. All they will know is the joy of a slapshot, the grace of a goalie, and the unlimited potential of the St. Louis Blues in the postseason.” At press time, sources confirmed that officials were forcing unpaid re-fanification camp labor to construct hockey arenas nationwide.

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