First of all, you’d have to have a head full of sawdust to buy into this market right now.

Secondly, the only reason the stock market rose by nearly 2,000 points yesterday is that it fell by more the previous day after getting pummeled half to death all week. In fact, on Thursday, the Dow lost 2,352 points. It was the market’s worst point loss in history and the worst by percentage since 1987.

Thirdly, there’s this virus going around, Donnie Diapers. Have you heard about it? Maybe you should be laser-focused on that. Or maybe not — since all you do is recklessly spread disinformation about it.

Finally, STOP USING ALL-CAPS, YOU FECULENT FART GOBBLER!

x BIGGEST STOCK MARKET RISE IN HISTORY YESTERDAY! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 14, 2020

Interesting that Trump considered it vitally important to scare the bejeezus out of old people with a fake caravan crisis before the 2018 midterms, but now that there’s a real and present danger to their lives he wants to tweet about a stock market bounce that’s likely to fade faster than one of his loopy-old-man erections.

So, crisis averted, folks. At least until Monday.

Stay safe and wash your hands.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.