Please welcome Michelle Wolf. Good evening. Here we are at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Like a porn star says when she’s about to have sex with a Trump: Let’s get this over with. I’m here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I’m not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone that’s here from Congress, you should feel right at home. And I know as much as some of you might want me to, it’s 2018 and I’m a woman, so you cannot shut me up — unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name: Reince Priebus. Trump isn’t here if you haven’t noticed. He’s not here. And I know, I know I would drag him here myself. But it turns out the president of the United States is the one pussy you’re not allowed to grab. Trump is racist, though — he loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a kid friend, or Harvey Weinstein a ladies’ man. Trump is also an idea guy. He’s got loads of ideas. You gotta love him for that. He wants to give teachers guns. And I support that because then they can sell them for things they need, like supplies. A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not, because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay. And I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You know, is it Sarah Sanders, is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is it cousin Huckabee, is it auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s Uncle Tom, but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter. I did have a lot of jokes. I had a lot of jokes about cabinet members. But I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people.