1. Los Angeles Kings

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 4-1-1 +5 1

Kings forward Jeff Carter scores a lot and is handsome, which is great, since it makes "heavenliest nets it" an oddly appropriate - albeit awful - anagram for That Seventies Line.

Jeff Carter has had a beautiful night. pic.twitter.com/JoBNzbc3bn — The Royal Half (@theroyalhalf) January 5, 2014

2. Chicago Blackhawks

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-0-1 +5 3

The Blackhawks needed 63 minutes to beat Carter Hutton and the Nashville Predators this weekend. Coincidentally, that's roughly the amount of time it takes for Jonathan Toews to fully recharge.

3. Tampa Bay Lightning

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-1-1 +7 4

The Lightning are fast, young, deep, big and fun to watch. They also have top prospect Jonathan Drouin set to make his NHL debut this week. Well, sort of:

Not sure playing against EDM counts RT @GenePrincipe: Drouin has been recalled by Tampa. Expect him to make his NHL debut tomorrow vs. Edm. — Taj (@taj1944) October 19, 2014

Time to start calling them the Tampa Bae Lightning?

4. St. Louis Blues

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 2-2-1 +3 2

Paul Stastny narrowly avoided serious injury in the Blues' season opener about 10 days ago, and then was actually injured this past weekend.

It's almost like there was a spooky, "Final Destination"-type specter hanging over Stastny, not unlike the Blues as a whole. St. Louis seems predestined to win a lot in the regular season only to be eliminated in the playoffs by a team from California:

Since the start of last season, the Blues are 1-9-1 against @BattleofCali teams, outscored by 16 goals in 11 games. pic.twitter.com/WyXy14I7Ra — Earl Sleek (@earlsleek) October 20, 2014

5. Pittsburgh Penguins

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-1-0 +6 7

Penguins star Sidney Crosby is absolutely loathed by Philadelphia Flyers fans, so, of course he's going as fictional Philadelphia icon Rocky Balboa for Halloween:

We'd like to wish everyone an early Hockey Halloween! Thanks for sharing the photo @Letang_58! pic.twitter.com/knaaJBzxA9 — Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) October 20, 2014

Hall of Fame-quality trolling from a Hall of Fame-quality player.

6. Anaheim Ducks

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 5-1-0 +8 9

During the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs this past spring, fans of the Ducks' crosstown rivals the Kings swore that John Gibson wasn't even in the same league as Jonathan Quick.

For at least this past weekend, when Gibson started two games for the AHL's Norfolk Admirals, those fans were absolutely correct.

7. San Jose Sharks

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 4-1-1 +5 5

In their efforts to avoid underachieving in the postseason again this year, the Sharks have tried everything. They stripped Joe Thornton of the captaincy, bumped Brent Burns back to defense, and they're giving backup goalie Alex Stalock a much bigger workload.

Now, how about designing a logo that doesn't prominently feature an animal chewing on a major choking hazard?

8. Boston Bruins

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-4-0 -2 6

The bad news: the Montreal Canadiens are inside Milan Lucic's head. The good news: that means it's no longer empty.

9. Minnesota Wild

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 2-2-0 +6 8

In a show on Sunday at the Wild's home rink - the Xcel Energy Center - Pearl Jam front man Eddie Vedder donned a Minnesota Wild jersey during an encore in which he apparently played Better Man.

Hadn't realized that track was about trying to find a bona fide top-pairing guy to partner with Ryan Suter.

10. Montreal Canadiens

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 5-1-0 Even 12

What's scarier than Jay Baruchel sneaking up behind you in the shower and making this face?

@BaruchelNDG The face you're making is so wrong that it's right. pic.twitter.com/yoVygm1e1h — Marc Dumont (@Dr_Habs) October 18, 2014

How about P.K. Subban with speed:

Have mercy!

11. New York Islanders

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 4-1-0 +5 13

With Nick Leddy and Johnny Boychuk on the ice through their first five games, the Islanders are controlling better than 60 percent of all shots on goal at even strength, and outscoring their opponents better than three to one.

Pretty incredible that general manager Garth Snow found a way to install a potentially elite top pair in the first weekend of October ...

12. New Jersey Devils

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-2-0 +1 10

How is Jaromir Jagr still so effective even though he's now in his early 40s? Sharks forward Tomas Hertl has a theory:

San Jose's Tomas Hertl on his idol Jaromir Jagr: "I try to play the same style because I have the same big ass." — Tom Gulitti (@TGfireandice) October 18, 2014

Jagr is all about that base.

13. Dallas Stars

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 2-1-2 -2 11

The Stars made fun of some sleeping Philadelphia Flyers fans on the jumbotron Saturday night:

Fair enough. It's insanely silly to fall asleep at a Stars game, after all, this is a team capable of surrendering three goals in the blink of an eye.

14. Columbus Blue Jackets

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-2-0 +3 14

Blue Jackets forward Nick Foligno and goaltender Sergei Bobrovsky are best bros:

They really, really love each other:

I hope to one day have a foligno to my bobrovsky #brosforlife #hugitout pic.twitter.com/kWWJ04OseJ — Anne-Marie Dion (@amdion13) October 19, 2014

Now, if only Foligno, who accidentally injured Blue Jackets backup Curtis McElhinney after crashing into him this weekend, had as much affection for his team's other goalie.

15. New York Rangers

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-3-0 -3 15

On Sunday against the Sharks, the Rangers managed to score two goals in just four seconds, which is about twice as long as it took for this guy - who was in attendance - to get dressed for the game:

Props to the guy walking around MSG in a robe #LikeABoss pic.twitter.com/ottCM2eerA — WEBLEEDBLUE (@WeBleedBlueNYC) October 19, 2014

16. Washington Capitals

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-0-2 +7 17

Alex Ovechkin is the most dangerous, imposing power forward in a generation. While his reputation for lax two-way play is unearned and absurd, we're also huge fans of low-hanging fruit.

What's the difference between Alex Ovechkin and an adorable puppy?

The #Caps are holding their Dog Calendar photoshoot today. Here's all the photos so far: http://t.co/PGCrzom3S3 | pic.twitter.com/pic77p0T9K — RMNB (@russianmachine) October 17, 2014

One is soft and defenseless, and the other is a puppy.

17. Detroit Red Wings

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-1-1 +3 18

You'd think Henrik Zetterberg was an uneasy partnership between Canadian telecommunications conglomerates, what with the way he owns the Toronto Maple Leafs.

18. Arizona Coyotes

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 2-2-0 -5 16

Among NHL goaltenders who've played at least 30 minutes this season, Mike Smith doesn't have the lowest save percentage, Fredo Vandalay does.

Unfortunately, Fredo Vandalay isn't a real person, and yeah, Mike Smith might want to mix in a save.

19. Vancouver Canucks

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-1-0 +3 19

The Canucks can lay the smack down on Alberta teams, but so can everyone else. We'll learn a lot more about this team on its upcoming road trip but, for now, the Canucks are off to a decent enough start.

Let's sarcastically hear it for them:

20. Ottawa Senators

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 4-1-0 +4 20

What's becoming clear is that the Senators have two extremely competent goaltenders and half that many competent defensemen.

21. Nashville Predators

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 3-0-2 +4 23

After his 2013-14 campaign was derailed by a hip infection, Predators goaltender Pekka Rinne seems to be back to his old self. Which means his league-best glove hand is sucking up pucks, small animals that get too close and generally functioning like this:

22. Philadelphia Flyers

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 1-2-2 -4 24

Flyers trainers brought up hygiene ahead of the team's trip to Dallas with concerns over Ebola, but should have gone the extra mile and warned players about direct contact with Tyler Seguin.

23. Toronto Maple Leafs

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 2-3-1 -4 22

Toronto has as many wins through six games as Maple Leafs jerseys thrown onto the ice at Air Canada Centre this season. Considering the Leafs' most consistent line is comprised of Mike Santorelli, Leo Komarov and David Clarkson, that makes sense.

24. Florida Panthers

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 1-2-2 -6 26

Roberto Luongo recorded his 67th career shutout this week, so he's now accumulated enough clean sheets that he can dedicate one to every Panthers fan who attends the club's next home game.

25. Colorado Avalanche

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 1-4-1 -11 21

When Avalanche goalies Semyon Varlamov and Reto Berra went down with injury, many expected the club to get creative in addressing its lack of goaltending depth. But the club turned down Ilya Bryzgalov's reported interest, and dodged some other bullets, too:

*Pascal LeClaire separates his shoulder picking up a phone to call Joe Sakic* — James Creighton (@ThatFishCreigh) October 17, 2014

26. Calgary Flames

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 4-3-0 +2 28

The Flames are reportedly on the verge of signing blueliner T.J. Brodie to a five-year contract extension. Outside of hardcore hockey fans, Brodie is better known as, "who?"

27. Winnipeg Jets

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 1-4-0 -7 25

Winnipeg Jets fans are living through dark times. They probably should've picked a more reliable energy source than Pavelecricity.

28. Edmonton Oilers

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 0-4-1 -14 27

That there's a ratio of three 'L's for every 'W' in Tyler Dellow was a bad sign, in retrospect.

29. Carolina Hurricanes

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 0-2-2 -5 29

It's probably just a coincidence that the Hurricanes haven't gone anywhere since loading up on players named Staal, right?

30. Buffalo Sabres

Record Goal Differential Previous Rank 1-5-0 -14 30

When it comes to controlling shot attempts at evens, which is a pretty good indicator of team quality, the Sabres are eight percentage points worse than the 29th-ranked team. That would be amazing if it wasn't so ghastly.