"Regardless of how erratic, irrational, self-defeating and self-destructive a person's behavior, somewhere in their mixed up mind, it is in the service of self-preservation." --From "Charlie Sheen: What Makes Charlie Run, Crash and Burn... Again" "The unexamined life is gross." --Socrates



I had the most bizarre experience of my life this past Sunday.

I went to see Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour at Radio City Music Hall. I'm working on an article about and I was hoping to get a juicy quote from the warlock. Little did I know, but I was about to get the most surreal quote a writer could possibly get.



To be expected, things started out pretty crazy. When a young girl who wanted to be goddess #3 was brought up on stage so Sheen could assess her assets, people all around me started chanting "take off your top!"



Things just got crazier from there. Early on in the show, Sheen asked if there were any "real" doctors in the house. I was amused by this and raised my hand about half mast, thinking to myself that I wouldn't know what to say if I was actually called on but--how bitchin' would that be to be on that stage, perhaps even having a serious dialogue with Sheen about the realities of mental illness! Of course, I'm naive (as I often am in life). Moments later, an older guy goes on stage and sits in the seat right next to Sheen. It is evident fast that this guy is *not* a real doctor. I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually a plant. He placates Sheen, acting like a complete buffoon, saying over and over again, something to the effect: "You're Winning Charlie, You're Winning!"



At this point, I start to get acid reflux. What started as just bad entertainment is now turning into something actually, well, WRONG.



After the fake-doctor-clown leaves the stage, Charlie mocks the guy (which I was happy to see), and again asks the audience if a real Doctor is in the audience. He also asks "Is Dr. Drew here?" The way he elongates the name "Drew" suggests that if Dr. Drew really were there, it wouldn't have been a fun conversation for Dr. Drew.



At this point, my thinking shifts from "how cool would it be to chat with Sheen on that stage" to "I need to go up there and say how ridiculous this is. He is trivializing mental illness and this is all messed up." So I run down to the front. One of Charlie's "people" asks who I am and I tell him a professor of Psychology at NYU. He looks giddy. I give him my business card and he tells me he'll call me if they need me.



I go all the way back to my seat near the back, half relieved it didn't actually pan out. What the heck would I really say (what would you have said)??



Then, the idea grows on me. During intermission, I think about what I would actually say, given the chance. I would remain calm, friendly, and nonjudgmental. I wouldn't try to provoke him. I would ask him a series of questions that would allow us to better pinpoint what exactly is going on with him, since there are a million things that could be going on with him, including drug withdrawal symptoms and/or hypermania induced sheerly through the he is receiving. He keeps talking about , but I would look at that as a last resort.



Intermission is over, and so are my thoughts. Shortly after the circus begins again, he has a moment of silence. He hesitantly says, "you know what happened at intermission?" He looks, I think for the first time in the show, reflective. Then he pulls a business card out of his pocket. The people sitting next to me immediately looked at me and said "dude, that's your business card!". I hear the words, but it didn't feel real. I watch Charlie stare at my card for a good 10 seconds and then I realize that is my business card he is staring at. I gasp, "Oh shit, oh no, my name's on that card". My heart starts racing, as I have no idea what's going to come next.



