Dear Grumpy Cat

by Peartree



Editor’s Note (Admiral Fartmore): Peartree was sick of dog books. He was also sick of reading. So we figured a picture book about cats might work.

That’s alright Grumpy

You don’t know me Grumpy, and I’m sure whatever I say won’t change your attitude of embracing ‘true grumpiness’, but you made it, and you don’t have to be grumpy anymore. You’re a god damned millionaire and you were on the fucking WWE. You saw your shot and took it. You should be proud; you took your shot straight up to that dead horse and put it right in its rotting decayed head at full speed, no regrets. YOLO.

Any one of us would do that same. If I had three photos of myself go viral I’d also make three books in three years centred entirely around them. 300 pages of three photos repeated over and over. Fuck it. Readers don’t care as long as we get some ‘lulz’. We literally don’t even want actual ‘laugh out louds’ either. Some quick little five word caption around your face that is work appropriate and can be forwarded by the HR lady to everyone in the company is good enough. And even if your hatred of dogs was only half-assed that’s still ok in my books.

But now it’s time to let go of the grumpy schtick. You’re like those punk bands in their 40’s still writing angsty songs about their parents. It’s just sad. Your 2.5 million Instagram followers won’t ever say this to you because they don’t care, but I do.

Now I know what you’re going to say. And your medical condition is no excuse. Dwarfism doesn’t define you. You do. You think Gimli let’s the fact that he’s a useless dwarf get in the way of joining the Fellowship? Sure he caused more trouble than he’s worth and didn’t really help, but he did it anyway! Or Dopey, banging that Snow White broad? Hell even that wuss Willow helped save a baby once. You can still do great things.

It won’t be easy. Your company is literally called ‘Grump Cat Limited’. But don’t let your past success keep you from venturing into new territory. You have it in you. I believe in you. Anyone who has gone through the humiliation and abuse that you’ve gone through to latch on to success can do anything.

To help you get started here’s a list of ideas for you to consider for a new persona:

LSD Cat – just take a bunch of LSD

Poop Cat – only take photos of your poop

Chef Cat – review all the different types of cat food

Orgasm Cat – post photos of yourself mid climax

Bob Ross Cat – get your acrylics out and roll around

Gym Cat – hit the yard and hit it hard

This is just some ideas to spitball around and hopefully get your creative juices flowing. It is by no means an exhaustive list of the possible talents you possess. The sky’s the limit for you. Oh, and drop that stupid brother of yours – Pokey or whatever – he’s only holding you back.

Sincerely, your fan

Peartree

PS I updated your infographic of why dogs suck.