Prelude to a Core Philosophy (or The Book’s Sales Pitch)

Abs: the Holy Grail of the fitness industry; the perverted fantasy of many bloated Westerners; and part of the core muscles of the human physique. Allow me to entreat you to the mysteries of the midsection with a sucker punch to the gut of this multi-billion-dollar market. The present volume is a guide to training your mind and body together, to get in shape(s), without any mind-numbing informercials, superfluous equipment, or gimmicks.

I have come to these core revelations via the path of mental and physical abstraction, hence “The Abs•Tract.” You might say I’ve done a lot of navel-gazing. Thus, I offer you the highest perspective on the philosophy of mind over matter, and the best techniques to think-hard-core.

Ever wonder why the world is so fucked up? Or why people seem so stupid? I was inspired to write this health-consciousness book because I became sick to my stomach from seeing billions of dollars and economic resources wasted every year on fattening people up, only to then turn around and sell them slimming snake oils, skin-deep beauty products, and fitness systems that simply do not work.

Not to mention the multi-billion dollar self-help industry creates more of a dependency rather than enabling people to break their bad habits and cycles, and largely omits broader social and environmental issues that factor into people’s personal struggles and depression.

And when I heard that parochial politician Sarah Palin was publishing a fitness book, my abs contracted so tight I almost vomited my internal organs. Point being, there is a lot of misinformation out there that lulls people into false consciousness, which comes at a high cost to both the individual and society. The Abs•Tract is a clarion call to wake up, stand up, and look up, both literally and figuratively. What’s up?

There are other ideas woven into the text. One simply has to read between the lines, which the book will teach you how to do. The added values include creativity, imagination, and fun in core exercises, such as a lucid geometric schema for yoga and philosophy infused workouts. Ultimately, this work fulfills a need for abstract models of core strengthening; a universal guide for the posture of posterity.

One cannot build an effective structure without a solid foundation. There is an excess of fitness ‘systems’ available and all competing for your patronage, but what do they all have in common? What is the unifying thread? What is the functional essence that binds them? Nothing. All hype, no hypothesis.

If you’re looking for core truths, this book is a manual for building an abstract model of one’s self, to sculpt an ideal metaphysique. It delivers critical thinking instruction for your mind, while e ortlessly sculpting a chiseled six-pack. Moreover, the book contains within it the tools of its own deconstruction, so one can customize it to suit their needs. And so it is written: The Abs•Tract: Core Philosophy.

“But wait, there’s more…”

Short Synopsis

A philosophical fitness program called The Abs•Tract, based on a mystical treatise containing the core truths, inspires a student who experiences massive gains in knowledge and understanding, all while getting ripped, abs. As his journey goes from the trivial pursuit of abs to profound abstract revelation, the program is revealed to be an underground plant-powered mystery school, dedicated to saving the world through freethought and satirizing stupidity.

Full Synopsis

The Abs•Tract™ begins as part documentary on fitness and philosophy, and part mockumentary/ satire on the fitness and self-help industries. The crux of the joke is that “you can get ripped abs, just by thinking it.” But wait, there’s more. It starts with the infomercial pitch, and evolves into an intellectual movement and platform for social critique, while providing genuine fitness knowledge supported by research. The absurdity of ab gimmicks, puns, and positive thinking is juxtaposed with interviews with people and academics alike who highlight the importance of critical thinking, as well as practical fitness methods such as using a standing desk. We are introduced to spin-off tools of The Abs•Tract as trainee Luc comes to the fore as the protagonist for the audience. Where a parody would usually end, The Abs•Tract brings the critique to the next level.

During the shift from the mock infomercial format to narrative, a story emerges and the characters develop arcs towards transcendence as we tumble down the rabbit hole of abstract metaphors, ultimately towards yoga-like and nature spaces, evolving into a quasi-religious mystical cult. There are hints of an extensive organization and movement behind The Abs•Tract, as we’re moved into an abstract classroom setting, where fitness is described deeper in terms of metaphysics, consciousness, and geometry. Over a chess match in a park, Luc, the disciple, questions the identity of the Designer, Adam Kadmon, and is intrigued by Vitruvius’s mysterious replies. Luc literally ‘trips’ on a protruding root, and has an epiphany/ vision, unseen to us. It takes a mystical turn as we are introduced to the MetaPhorce™, a metaphorical energy, and the characters begin to show more depth beyond their superficial abs. The Master, David Vitruvius, goes from salesmen to sage, in revealing higher levels of abstraction to Luc.

Luc sees Will Power emerge from the forest in a cloud of smoke. He enters to find Adam Kadmon, who has morphed from abstract designer to modern monk, with whom he begins his poetic training. The other students seem to be making no headway as the program increases in complexity. Kadmon explains the importance of the obscure character Will Power, and the agenda to make ‘common sense’ widespread. In the final instance, on his way to present some new heuristic tools to students, Will Power is arrested on an innocent drug possession charge, throwing a wrench in the gears of the abstract organization’s plans for free and open knowledge. The Owl of Minerva swoops in as the advances made by philosophy are undone by the work of Detractors.

Webisode 1.1.1 Introduction to Abstraction

The film/ webisode opens ab ovo (latin: ‘from the egg’), meaning ‘from the very beginning’ with a shot of an old TV in whitespace, channel surfing clips of various ab gimmicks. The absurdity of ab gimmicks are the catalyst to this entire enterprise; The Abs•Tract, an actual ab definition technique, and actual core (strength) philosophy, a book, a film, and a think tank. No equipment necessary.

These snapshots of informercial insanity are the only explicit references to specific ab gimmicks throughout the film, and they deserve more than a passing critique.

What a scandalous industry that preys on the gullibility of unfit people! What absurd and cumbersome alternatives to the much easier and cheaper avenues to weightloss such as bodyweight exercises or sports, not to mention the critical intervention of diet. What criminal exploitation of consumer fantasy, to fetishize fitness and completely obfuscate the simple truths about health! What a f***ing waste of precious time and money! How is this even legal?

And although I poke fun at older examples, the prevalence of ab gimmicks and fitness gurus has not subsided. This is a multi-billion dollar industry, which provides no real value whatsoever, and is showing no signs of waning. Any success of individuals using the products is purely coincidental, due to actual positive changes in lifestyle. (And hey, if you have to pay for something to get yourself motivated, for Christ’s sake, buy the book.

It will change your life.) Ludicrous products showcased include an electroshock belt, a crunch-assist roller, and a gargantuan swing apparatus. The last one we see is the infamous dildo-like Shake Weight, which particularly irks me, as they invoke the concept of ‘revolution’ in the most delusional way possible.

“This is not a workout. This is a revolution!” — The Shake Weight

We zoom into the static of the TV and emerge in outer space, hovering over the earth, as the sun is cued with a Pavlovian ping. The signal-to-noise ratio has been inverted, we see the big picture in context. A voiceover interrupts, “Do you wish you could be smart and sexy? Do you wish you could have a rock hard sixpack?” mimicking the sales pitch of gimmicks past, as we fly into a new whitespace in the clouds (abstract water) between heaven and earth, mirroring ‘The Construct’ from the film The Matrix.

Adam Kadmon, the ‘Intelligent Designer’ appears and welcomes us to the ‘ab lab,’ a realm of pure thought. Adam Kadmon is named for the primordial ‘original man’ from Kaballah mysticism. In theory, he was not a person, but the original abstraction of homo sapiens, and therefore the blueprints (or BluePrince) for humankind. As we will see, this finds correspondence in Da Vinci’s idea of the Vitruvian Man.

Naturally, Kadmon is the inventor of the purest form of fitness, the geometric art of anatomical mobility and stability. For the beauty of the human form is derived from its movement and extension along planes and axes. Kadmon is also the perfect messianic symbol, as he is an ‘abstract’ cosmic man in myth in general, and the precursor to the Adam of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

“Stop wishing and start thinking. You can have ripped abs, just by thinking it.” — Adam Kadmon

Abandon the wishful ‘thinking’ that gimmicks pressure you into. Suspend your disbelief of the obvious ploy that one can actually ‘think’ their way to ripped abs. You, the defrauded ab-aspirant (we’ve all been there), were dumb enough to fall for cheap tricks before, so why wouldn’t you believe you can learn this secret mental ab technique too? Why wouldn’t you take the risk to buy a book for a fraction of the cost of some mechanical monstrosity? You might learn something.

“[The Abs•Tract is] a new way of thinking about thinking about fitness. With these cognitive tools, you will unite mind and body, and sculpt the abs of a god.”— Adam Kadmon

Already we are talking about metacognition — thinking about thinking — about fitness, among other things. This will be a recursive theme (pun intended) throughout the film. You will also learn how to learn, with meta-learning. Exercising metacognition develops clearer conceptions of mind and body, facilitating their unification. The promise of mind-body unity is the explicit purpose of yoga, but much of Western practice has bastardized it, shrouding it in hip clothes, happy mantras, and confusing chakras.

If we abstract and strip it down to its bare essentials, the actual connection between mind and body is made visceral and concrete by the correspondence between the geometric shape in one’s mind, and the specific yogic forms the body can be folded into. It is this correspondence, coupled with conscious deep breathing and meditation, that facilitate actual spiritual transcendence. If one is not mindful of the geometry (posture/position), there can be no union, or perhaps only a weak one.

The best analogy I can formulate for yoga is that it is like origami. Origami is the ultimate expression of the potential of geometry in 3D space. The body is like a sheet of paper, and the goal is to make precise creases in order to form shapes. Except instead of starting from a perfectly flat plane, we start with our bodies tight and crumpled, and must do origami in reverse in order to restore the body to its ideal form as a smooth sheet. Geometry is also the basis of the mystery school of Pythagoras, and first principles of all constructions, so it is taken to heart here in the formulation of ideas.

Kadmon’s ‘god’ reference is the first hint of the mystical depth of this particular path to abdominal greatness. This is all setting the stage for genre of magical realism; ‘expresses a primarily realistic view of the real world while also adding or revealing magical elements.’ From Abraxas to abracadabra, there are many coincidental signs and symbols that did not make the final cut, but would be in the book.

Enter David Vitruvius, the eponymous fusion of Michaelango’s David and Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man, named for the architect Vitruvius, who originally wrote the proportions from which Leonardo based his drawing. Right off the bat he states the secret to abstraction in plain terms: MetaForm; simply keeping the core engaged, maintaining proper posture. How could the secret to ripped abs be anything but MetaForm?

Our spiral-shaped muscles work dynamically with our skeletal structures to create a tensegrity structure. Exercising muscle groups is simply a matter of isolating them with respect to the rest of your body structure and contracting and expanding them. No mystery there, but the commercialization of the fitness industry tends to distort knowledge out of shape until it is unrecognizable as such — until it is idiotic.

The MetaForm is simply the spatial orientation and pose of the MetaPhysique, the body’s metaphysical architecture, as defined by geometry, anatomy, kinesiology, and kinematics. As you will see MetaForm is the first of many invented terms, designed to both mock and spoof the gimmicky analogues from the business world, but also to be superior to them in every way.

“Remember the golden mean; if the form is bold, the abs will mold.” — David Vitruvius

We are now in an abstract open space, which we will see more of in the next webisode, in fact happens to be the interior of a progressive Christian church. The religious undertones of the film narrative are thus synchronistic and not to be taken lightly, although ironically the religiosity of the abstractors is decidedly secular humanist and gnostic/mystical. David amps up his students, while the protege Luc comments how effortless it is. This highlights the principle of efficiency in body mechanics. Proper posture requires minimal effort, by stacking the body’s structures, whereas bad posture wastes energy and strains our neuromuscular system.

David tells Luc to “flex your frontal lobes” while touching his temples and Luc is immediately transformed, optimizing posture and gaining an inch in height. Luc was already leading the pack, but has now entered a higher state of proprioceptive awareness. Cut to Vitruvius in a crisp suit, vividly lit through the window in a minimalist architectural space, speaking with authority:

“As an expert, I review a lot of different fitness products. There are dozens of ab-gimmick products out there. They’re absurd. If you are buying these products, there is something wrong with your thought processes. The Abs-Tract corrects these cognitive biases.” — David Vitruvius

Vitruvius doesn’t mince words; he comes straight out and calls all other abs products absurd, because they are, and the victims of such scams as intellectually handicapped, because they are. Now imagine an ab product that not only gave you ripped abs, but made you smarter and protected you from abuse. That is what abstraction actually does, if you do it correctly. C’mon now, tract the abs and think hard core. The truth shall set you free.

Adam Kadmon interjects to state “Abstraction. It’s thinking, on a higher level.” Trainees are not going to graduate past the introduction if they don’t grasp the basic concepts of metacognition and tightening the MetaForm. It’s philosophical fitness, or perhaps yet another neologism is warranted: phitness. The Abs-Tract targets the metaphysical as a point of intervention, as elucidated in the post Mindhack: Strengthen Your MetaPhysique.

“By strengthening your MetaPhysique, you will a foundation on which to manifest muscles.” — David Vitruvius “Our philosophers have conducted thousands peer-reviewed thought experiments that prove abstraction works.” — Adam Kadmon

Kadmon’s statement is the first insinuation of a large organization and think tank behind their operation. Truth be told, philosophers have done a great deal of research that informs the methodology of abstraction, and this is reference to that large body of academic literature, much of which The Abs-Tract Organization is collating and writing about. This research spans many different fields, disciplines, and topics, such as critical thinking, functional movement science, and various instantiations of abstraction itself. In general, Kadmon is referencing the systematic production of knowledge through intellectual labour, of which the minions of hucksterism and other bullshit marketing orthodoxies are in staunch abstention from.

The metamodern praxis is to abstract the general truths from all of it, granted that we have crossed a new threshold of certainty, and apply it. Based on the available knowledge, this is precisely what can be said with Christ-like conviction: That abstraction should replace all ab-gimmicks in one fell swoop, and you’ll find that we’d save enough money to finance free healthcare, saving millions of lives in the process. This is not hyperbole, this is the direct answer to the leading cause of unnatural death in the United States — heart disease. The obesity epidemic is a massive public health crisis, and think tanks must share the blame.

“You’ve heard of the Bowflex. Well think of this as the Placebo-flex. And that’s how it works.” — David Vitruvius

That is how it works. The Bowflex contraption is a very expensive way to collect dust in your basement. Even if you use it to actually get ripped, its still an enormous waste of money. It is conspicuous consumption for well-to-do muscleheads, but unfortunately suckers in fat saps who want a quick fix. Nothing wrong with a home gym, but ditch the dead weight if you can’t afford it.

Placebos (beliefs) actually have substantial effects, so you might as well believe in things that are true. The PlaceboFlex is exactly the kind of trademarked product name that fools fall for, but it is actually a legitimate technique as far as the abstractors are concerned, and the best value for money; its free.

All these jokes are coalescing behind a central message for a critical and common sense approach to mental and physical wellbeing, which the world desperately needs. The episode closes with a indie-budget visual effects feast of an abstract robotic figure posing in space, decisively presenting the slogans KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, MIND OVER MATTER, and SCULPT YOUR METAPHYSIQUE. The final image is a mysterious key-hole like geometric diagram, connecting a circle and a square.

And that concludes your introduction to abstraction of the filmic version of this concept. TAT:CP can’t help but satirize travesty of American health and ideology, while sincerely offering a solution. Philosophy is the ‘love of knowledge’, and that’s an age-old lesson worth taking to heart, even if it doesn’t love you back. As Vitruvius said, “We’re just getting started.” Now watch and learn. You can watch the first episode below and continue reading about next episode in The Abs•Tract: Ep. 2, First Principles.