THE presidents of America and Iran talked for the first time since 1979 when Barack Obama called Hassan Rohani on September 27th as he headed to the airport in New York after attending the UN general assembly. The two countries have no diplomatic relations and generally regard each other with distrust. In the past, misunderstandings have undermined one or other side's attempts at rapprochement. Neither America nor Iran published a transcript of the conversation but both hinted that it had been good-natured and constructive, touching on proposed negotiations over Iran's nuclear programme. This newspaper is able to fill in the record from our own most secret sources.



Operator: I'm connecting you to the Oval Office...

Obama: Salam aleikum.

Rohani: Hi, it's me. I guess you know it's me since you are calling me. Long time, no speak.

Obama: Keef sahtak?

Rohani: Yeah, yeah, my health is good. But you are using Arabic on me, not Farsi.

Obama: My sincere apologies.

Rohani: Anyway, glad you called. I need your help, really. I'm gonna miss my flight. New York roads are hell, can you clear the traffic?

Obama: Well, we have pretty strict rules in this country.

Rohani: Don't be like that. A wrathful almighty hovers over you. Tremors will strike you down.

Obama: Sir, please. Let's talk politely.

Rohani: Just kidding, Barack. My aides told me that we have to test whether you are prepared to make concessions. I'll let you off this time. The traffic is moving again.

Obama: I'm having a busy day myself, your excellency. I have problems with the Republican Guard Corps in our Congress. They want to shut off the money for the government unless I give them what they want.

Rohani: You mean they will put sanctions on you too, brother? I feel your pain.

Obama: I think I'll be able to cheat a little, if you know what I mean. We can hide the Obamacare programme of mass destruction away from the budget inspectors, inshallah.

Rohani: You are a brother! I knew it. My aides were trying to tell me about your Muslim faith.

Obama: Careful. My father was a Sunni. I hear you Shias are touchy when it comes to this stuff.

Rohani: Don't believe everything you read in our state media. I certainly don't.

Obama: My secretary just passed me a note... It says I should ask you about the nuclear programme.

Rohani: You mean John Kerry is in the room with you? Nice man. He travels a lot. Too much. I wouldn't want to have his job. Did I mention we are once again stuck in traffic?

Obama: Sorry, no. The note is from my actual secretary, not the secretary of state.

Rohani: Never mind. I like American television. I wish I had more time in my hotel to see all the channels.

Obama: Oh yes, which shows do you like?

Rohani: When I'm back in Tehran I will force my whole cabinet to watch The A-Team. I like it when Mr T says...

Obama: Hello, hello. Mr President, can you hear me? Can you hear me...

Rohani: I pity the fool.

(Picture credit: AFP)