Having been born and reared in “The Church” as a True Believing Member (TBM), my identity as a being- especially as a woman, wife, and mother -has been shaped by its standards and teachings. My parents were also ‘born in the covenant’ with ancestors on both sides dating back to the pioneers of the early church. Needless to say, I was taught all too well what was expected of me as a girl and a woman.

Since leaving Mormonism I have had the exciting and yet daunting task of sifting through my perceptions of and place in the world. I’ve been discarding the tenets that were thrust upon me and in doing so have finally come to recognize the absurdity of the expectations placed on us. There are countless double standards that I gladly reject. The Do’s and Don’ts of a TBM Woman-if you will:

Be attractive!

In his Fireside address at Brigham Young University on March 4, 1979 titled ‘In His Steps’, Ezra Taft Benson stated: “Young Women…keep yourselves attractive…” There are numerous lessons in Young Women and Relief Society that touch on the importance of being and staying attractive: applying make-up, styling hair, shopping for clothes. One such lesson can be found in the ‘Young Women Manual 1, Lesson 37‘: “Ask the young women to consider their hair, skin, nails, and teeth and decide how they might improve their grooming.” The teacher of this lesson is instructed to “Stress that everyone is more attractive with clean teeth, skin, and hair”. Now I understand and appreciate the importance of personal hygiene, but I’m concerned that a church would feel it’s their responsibility to instruct on such a subject. Shouldn’t the focus of a religion be who you are inside rather than your outer appearance? The Young Women theme emphasizes ‘Individual Worth’, a value that claims we are a divine individual, and should be appreciated for who we are, not our pretty face. Yes, these teachings are contradictory. Maybe if we look at the stated purpose of the Young Women organization we can clear up any confusion: “The purpose of the Young Women organization is to help each young woman…Prepare for her divine roles as a daughter, wife, mother, and leader”. Well, I don’t think you have to be attractive to be a daughter, wife, mother, or a leader, but looking at some of the lessons, the church would appear to disagree. And have you seen the General Presidencies for Primary, Young Women, and Relief Society (considered to be the highest positions women in the church can attain)? All of these women are very well groomed with perfect hair, perfect teeth, are thin, and most are blonde!! Seriously?! It looks like the Mormon Barbie Doll line has come out. The church loves to harp on being “in the world, but not of the world”, avoiding the evil influences of the media, and the fads of society. But, they are just reinforcing the message that women are most valuable when they’re nice to look at. Now, let’s say you made it through the Young Women Program without being indoctrinated with this garbage. Don’t worry, they teach it again in Relief Society. In the June 1978 ‘Ensign’, Relief Society Members were instructed on ways to raise self esteem: “The stake offered the wards four seminars on clothing, make-up, home management, and courtesies in the home” (‘Relief Society Presidents Prove…The Second Mile is Paved with Innovation, Part 1’). So, just get a little lipstick on and your self-esteem will shoot up to the moon!

Don’t be too attractive!

“Young women should wear clothing that covers the shoulder and avoid clothing that is low-cut in the front or the back or revealing in any other manner.” Why is it that when talking about modesty the church is speaking to and or about women? Oh, wait! I was wrong…they do address men: “Young men should also maintain modesty in their appearance” *sigh* We are further commanded, “Young women, respect your body and help others, particularly young men, maintain virtuous thoughts and actions” (For the Strength of Youth: Dress and Appearance’). As a TBM woman you are forced to allow someone else -a group of old men nonetheless- to dictate what you wear. Who decided that shoulders, backs, necks, and thighs were porn?!! Who decided that showing ‘respect’ for your body meant hiding it in shame?!! Now, I do feel that women (and men) should be viewed as more than just sexual objects, but I do not feel that we should be forced to cover up to be taken seriously. Why is it a woman’s responsibility to control someone else’s thoughts and imagination?!! And why do we suppose that men are mindless beasts incapable of controlling themselves?!! I propose teaching young men and young women that the human body is a beautiful thing that we don’t have to be afraid of. I propose teaching young men and young women that we are in command of our own bodies and minds. In the April 2000 General Conference, James E. Faust gave a talk titled ‘Womanhood: The Highest Place of Honor’ in which he claims, “Immodesty in women cheapens their image. It causes embarrassment and loss of respect”. I’m wondering who James thinks should be embarrassed? If someone has a problem with what I’m wearing I will allow them to own that embarrassment. No one should be told they are less valuable because of what they choose to wear. It’s time to start looking beyond the outward appearance. It’s time to start appreciating people for who they are; not how they dress. A church would do better to teach it’s membership the words of Jesus: “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24, New Testament).

Get an education! But…

The prophets and apostles seem to be eager for all young men and women to gain an education. In the April 2007 General Conference talk by Gordon B. Hinckley ‘Let Virtue Garnish they Thoughts Unceasingly’ we learn, “Education is the key that will unlock the door of opportunity”. But when we dig a little deeper we can see that for females, our education is to be controlled and limited. Ezra Taft Benson explains, “The first priority for a woman is to prepare herself for her divine and eternal mission, whether she is married soon or late. It is folly to neglect that preparation for education in unrelated fields just to prepare temporarily to earn money…Do not sacrifice your preparation for an eternally ordained mission for the temporary expediency of money-making skills that you may or may not use” (BYU Fireside, ‘In His Steps’ March 4, 1978). Now, it would be easy to dismiss this as an old man, a product of his generation, ranting and raving if it weren’t for the teachings in the Young Women Personal Progress manual concerning ‘Knowledge’. In this section young women are urged to “Learn a new skill or talent that will help you care for your own future family or home (for example, playing the piano, singing, budgeting, time management, cooking, sewing, or child care)”. I recall Young Women activities such as “How to go grocery shopping” or “How to shop for clothes”. Now, I think these are worthwhile lessons that both men and women should be taught, but I don’t recall a “How to change a flat tire” or “How to jump-start a car” activity. It is shortsighted to assume that a woman will never need to know how or have a desire to do these jobs. I mean, how dare a female want to be an independent individual! So, if you love to learn and want to go to college, just make sure you love learning about ‘woman’ stuff.

Don’t use your degree!

In ‘How Near to the Angels’, a talk given by James E. Faust in the April 1998 Conference we are told, “Sister Faust and I urged our daughters to get an education, not only to help them in their homemaking but also to prepare them to earn a living if that became necessary”. I’m glad to see that women are encouraged to get an education, but it’s clear that it’s not meant for her to use her degree. No, we all know that “the divine work of women involves companionship, homemaking and motherhood” (Ezra Taft Benson March 4, 1979 ‘In His Steps’ BYU fireside). I love that a woman’s ‘divine work’ could be done by a dog, a cleaning service, and a nanny/daycare. If you’re feeling down about your work ladies, just put on some lipstick and your individual worth will come back into focus. If a woman has a degree to fall back on, I think that’s great! But, let’s say she’s been a homemaker for the last 10 years or more. In some areas of study, the technology is changing quickly enough that what you knew 10 years ago is now almost obsolete. This can make it difficult to actually use that degree when it becomes ‘necessary’. If any of you ladies out there still ‘ponderize’ going back to work you should hear what Ezra had further to say on the matter: “The seeds of divorce are often sown and the problems of children begin when mother works outside the home”. No, I’m not joking. Finally, he scolds, “In the beginning, Adam was instructed to earn bread by the sweat of his brow- not Eve. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a mother’s place is in the home!” (‘The Honored Place of Woman’ October 1981 Conference). So, please, forget about finding fulfillment in a career doing something you love.

Marry a returned missionary, but don’t plan on serving a mission yourself if someone proposes!

This is one duty we seem to have dodged, but I’m not sure I like the reasons. Instead of serving the 2-year sentence ourselves we are instructed to “Let the young men of your acquaintance know that you expect them to assume their missionary responsibilities” (Ezra Taft Benson ‘Missionary Work is a Priesthood Duty’ October 1986 Conference). Wow! I feel like a bitch just typing that. I can’t imagine vocalizing such a thing. Not only are young men to expect a guilt trip from their family, but they can look forward to a replay when around a young woman. We all know that guilt and peer pressure are the best reasons to serve a mission. Sorry guys! Now, women, if you don’t want to serve a mission, don’t worry! On LDS.org under ‘Youth Articles, Preparing to Serve: Suggestions for Young Women’ we learn “Missionary work is an opportunity, not an obligation, for women in the church.” However, for those sisters out there that are contemplating a mission, “…you shouldn’t worry about deciding now whether to serve a full-time mission in the future. Instead, remember the First Presidency’s counsel to ‘take advantage of your time in Young Women by preparing to receive the sacred ordinances of the temple, to become a faithful wife and mother, and to strengthen your home and family'(Young Women Personal Progress [2010]” (‘Youth Articles, For Young Women: Making the Mission Decision’). A mission is not an obligation for us, but we are obliged to pressure young men into serving and to then be ready to marry them as soon as they return. Sisters, are you still thinking you want to serve a mission? Gordon B. Hinckley will squash that idea: “To young women…a mission is not necessary as a part of their lives” (October 1997 Conference ‘Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service’). Seriously, girls, stop! Go find someone to marry and start multiplying.

Best of luck and lots of love!

Look for “The Do’s and Don’ts for a TBM Woman: Part II” coming soon…

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You may have noticed that I’m a wife and mother. I wasn’t physically forced into this lifestyle, but I definitely feel there was some coersion involved. Being told that you can’t get into the ‘Celestial Kingdom’ (a.k.a. Heaven) without becoming a wife and mother can be threatening enough to force women into that decision. Some days it’s hard to feel like that choice was authentic, and on occasion, I wonder what my life might be like without all the indoctrination. That being said, I love my husband and kids! And I look forward to seeing what we can become.