Posted on by elektrogirl

Seeing as I hate myself, I’m quickly becoming an expert on Lifetime Christmas movies. Yes, seeing as I’m now the foremost scholar on the subject, let me lay it out for you.

First, the main character is always overworked. She’s beautiful but just has no time for men because of her demanding career that she does unspeakably well. Literally, you can not speak of it. Its forbidden.

Second, the character doesn’t understand just how important Christmas is. As the entire world turns to red and green explosion of garland and tacky decorations around her, her black walnut sized heart scorns it as commercialized and tries to ignore it. What do you mean, I can’t schedule a waxing appointment for Christmas day?! But I’m a modern hairless woman ON THE GO.

So there’s a love interest introduced that always has a career that matches up nicely with the main character. It’s never a casual acquaintance. Its chef/food critic or writer/writer or vet/professional being a dick to animals guy. So while they are clearly perfect for each other, they have to deny it for precisely 45 minutes of screen time before they suddenly decide, with little prompting the change, that they are indeed in lurve. This is different from love because its awful.

The subplots always consist of:

Someone is trying to sabotage them at work. Luckily this person makes it clear by a series of facial tics who they are, and because they are also idiots its easy to fix whatever damage they did while the protagonist was off discovering how great shopping at the mall is during December.

Someone else wants the man. She is deemed unsuitable because she makes her intentions clear and being open and honest when dealing with the opposite sex is awful.

Best friends/resident married couple is super into everyone else being married, because they are annoying dicks, and proceed to say things like, “Just GO for it!” or “When are you bringing a girl over here?” and other equally appealing lines.

Awkward silences and fights clearly cribbed from the writer’s niece’s playground.

BUT THEN! The main characters always get together in time for Christmas. WHADDA SHOCK! Every single time it happens I’m all, what? What are the odds that my magic picture box found both of these people just in time for them to realize they are contractually obligated to be all into each other and stuff? What luck for me, watching this unfold!

So yeah, I just saved you anywhere from 2 to 14 hours this holiday season. You can spend that time drawing me pictures of me riding a unicorn in a valiant battle against television. Conveniently, I look like this:

Filed under: Media | Tagged: christmas, christmas movies, lifetime |