DALLAS—Following news of a second confirmed case of Ebola in the city, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones assured local residents, as well as the nation at large, that AT&T Stadium is prepared to serve as the most spectacular Ebola quarantine center ever assembled. “Should a widespread outbreak occur, I am confident that Cowboys Stadium will be the most exciting and unforgettable triage unit in the history of modern medicine,” said Jones, confirming that all contaminated clothing will be properly incinerated in a jaw-dropping, 25-minute on-field fireworks show each night, and that patients will also be treated to a star-studded performance from a number of hazmat-suit-clad pop sensations. “Each of our 80,000 beds will have perfect sight lines to our state-of-the-art video board broadcasting live updates on the outside world, and of course we’ll also have several luxury wards available that will offer a full gourmet menu for those battling fatigue and blood loss. I look forward to showing the rest of the country that we do biohazard response just a little bit bigger down here in Texas.” Sources confirmed that parking spaces will remain at their current average price of $120.

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