I couldn’t think of a way to easily excerpt this excellent piece of satire, so I’ll just repost it with apologies in advance and ask WUWT readers to go to wendymcelroy.com and give her props. -Anthony

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My hat is off to the commenter at Watts Up With That who first dubbed the faked Heartland memo “The Protocols of the Elders of Heartland.” That quip says it all, really.

The second-best quip about the phony memo come from Megan McArdle at the Atlantic: “Basically, it reads like it was written from the secret villain lair in a Batman comic. By an intern.”

But, thinking of secret protocols and secret villain lairs made me wonder, what could this mysterious and elusive “institute” be doing with their anonymous funding? So I’m pleased to leak my very own Heartland strategy memo:

Top Ten Things Heartland Institute Will Do With $6.4 Million in Funding

10. Build a secret oil-powered nuclear-powered coal-powered lair on a South Pacific Island.

9. Arrange Arctic polar-bear hunting expeditions for wealthy contributors. With bazookas for top donors.

8. Train an armada of millions of kamikaze pigeons to fly into wind turbines, gumming up the works.

7. Replace Mitt Romney with a remote-controlled animatronic robot. Oh wait, that’s been done.

6. Exploit our Microsoft connection to install mind-controlling stroboscopic subliminal video messages in Windows Phone 7. People do use Windows Phone 7, don’t they?

5. Create the “Happy Children Fund” to provide subsidized tobacco products to pre-teens. Better yet, put it in their school lunches.

4. Genetically engineer a breed of SuperFlatulenttm cattle to emit a Gaia-destroying flood of methane into the atmosphere.

3. Re-train the armada of pigeons to defecate on solar panels. Maybe do this before #8.

2. Hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world to ransom for one million dollars!

1. Send an obviously faked-up memo to DeSmogBlog to make them look ridiculous. Oh wait…

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