A/N: i'm not amazing at world building, so you're all on this magical experimental journey with me

also, happy holidays or something.

xxXxx

It's a little dumb in hindsight, but Anna never bothered reading the party invite outside of when and where.

So when they finally arrive to the party (late, since Elsa intentionally took too much time getting ready. Because she thinks showing up late means less time at the party. Whatever), Anna couldn't feel more out of place. And she once walked into a naked yoga class when she was looking for the beginners. The fact that she's wearing a Christmas sweater and everyone else is in designer outfits does not help the matter, neither does Kristoff and Tiana being off god knows where.

The venue is actually massive, which makes it even more unsettling that it's nearly filled to capacity with people who all apparently picked up on the non-Christmas-sweater-wearing dress code.

It makes sense, though, considering their magazine was just bought by the Weselton company and they had to move to the new fancy building on the twenty-third floor — oh god, Anna should have known this wasn't going to be a friendly holiday sweater and kareoke get-together. She even thinks about how fancy the soap dispensers are every day in the bathroom so that logic should have transferred over to the company Christmas party.

It's a good thing Elsa refused to wear the matching Mrs. Claus sweater to her Santa one. At least one of them looks chic.

They're greeted at the door by greeters and told there are gourmet hors-d'oeuvres scattered on the tables along the wall, and that there's punch, but there's also an open bar and free drinks and the bartender's liberal with the whiskey. The decorations are fantastic; there's a giant perfectly decorated Christmas tree and the entire room is dark, but dimly lit with a blue glow and there's snowflakes hanging from the ceilings.

Elsa looks around and swallows. "You never told me the magazine you work for is so prestigious."

"Yeah, Tiana's like Miranda Priestly, except without the emotional and psychological abuse," Anna says. "But I just write nature stories and have fun taking cool pictures. It slipped my mind."

She would explain more, but the lights in the room start circling, finally stopping to focus on the stage. Someone who looks really important, although Anna's never seen him before, starts thanking them for attending the party. He only talks for a few minutes before the music starts back up again.

Then, Anna's distracted for a whole other reason: Elsa's just taken her hand and her fingers are squeezed firmly around Anna's as she leads them towards the bar. Anna's not sure if it's an intimate thing or if Elsa feels like if they don't hold hands they might get separated, but either way, she's not too keen on letting go.

Three champagne flutes and two cups of punch in, they find themselves in a nice hiding place behind a trendy, red miniature version of the large Christmas tree in the center of the room, awkwardly checking their phones and avoiding conversation.

Everything's starting to feel like a real clusterfuck and Anna's a little embarrassed for suggesting they come.

The truth is, she's sort of been flailing the past few days. It's true, what the nurse said back at the hospital, being bonded is a bit chaotic at first. But as she's settled into it, she's noticed how much she doesn't have access to Elsa. She can discern between the senses now, doesn't get taste or touch or smell confused between them anymore, but now all that's left are feelings and emotions. Sometimes she can sense them from Elsa, but most times she can't. Which either means Elsa doesn't have feelings or she's blocking them off.

Which is fair, honestly, since maybe they don't know each other the best. It's just that... Anna's never really thought about blocking Elsa off, hasn't wanted to, so it's starting to feel like maybe she's doing something wrong for Elsa to not want to open up.

It's been a few weeks since they started living together, but it's mostly been like awkward college roommates — they only see each other early in the morning or late in the evening, and they can joke and have small talk and sleep in the same bed, but they've never hung out together, and they've never really talked about anything that isn't surface level, and most times they don't even talk at all because it's been fairly comfortable sitting in silence.

The thing is, they were both separates, individuals, and now they're bonded. They didn't come together naturally or choose a relationship and now they — Anna, at least — have all of these feelings flowing through them and it's tough to navigate.

Anna knows Elsa wants her to be happy, but it's getting a little hard. She's trying her best to be satisfied with what they have, but she wants more. It's just a little complicated voicing that.

Anna looks around the party, hoping to see someone she knows or see anything promising. She's so focused on picking through the faces, that she nearly startles when she feels Elsa grab her hand. Elsa doesn't look over, but she runs her thumb across Anna's knuckles and downs the rest of her drink.

"Wanna sneak out?" she asks suddenly.

"Of the party?" Anna's sure they can just leave.

"No, outside. There's a balcony over there," Elsa says, pointing with her nose like she doesn't want anyone to see. "I think it's off limits, but the view looks nice."

Anna grins at her, can't help it. "Won't we get in trouble?"

"Can't be any worse than getting drunk and accidentally bonding to a stranger in the middle of the street."

Anna's probably drawing unnecessary attention to them, but she can't stop laughing at that; must be the drinks. "I think the drinks are getting to me."

Elsa turns and looks at her, sparkly eyes and a bright smile, and flicks her nose, casual as anything. "We really gotta get you out of here then, since you're so dangerous when you're drunk. Just have to make sure no one notices us."

"We can take the tree with us," Anna says, putting on her best serious face.

"Or I could just — " Elsa trails off as she lifts her hand and taps the side of her head. Anna looks on curiously, waiting for something spectacular to happen, but mostly she's just looking at Elsa's face. Her smile's a lot like reaching the end of a rainbow and finding gold; it's crazy.

After a few seconds, Elsa's holding her hand tight and tugging them both toward the balcony doors. Anna's tempted to point out she'd follow Elsa anywhere, doesn't have to be pulled, but touching Elsa makes her heart flutter in the best way possible. She wasn't entirely sure what Elsa was doing when she tapped her head, but it's obvious once they reach the doors to the balcony and the guards actually turn away as if they don't see them. Part of her wants to ask if Elsa should be doing that, if it's safe for her to do that, but she might be too busy giggling like a child because she feels like she's being naughty and whatever was in the punch is definitely in full flow.

Once they're outside, Anna's breath catches — the cool air, the view of Arendelle, the pretty Christmas lights knotted through the rails, Elsa ducking her head to restyle her hair quickly, like she hopes Anna won't notice how it keeps flopping over her eyes adorably. It's just. Elsa's calm and closed off and her thoughts are neatly arranged and very carefully chosen, but now she's drunk and she's being playful and she's letting so many lovely emotions filter through the bond. And and she keeps looking over and smiling at Anna when she thinks Anna's not watching.

It's all so overwhelming and amazing.

Like a perfectly wrapped gift from the gods, Anna spots two fancy couch-like chairs around a little table in the corner of the balcony. "We can sit," she says, dragging Elsa towards the chairs.

She doesn't expect Elsa to sit in one and then pull her down onto her lap, but she likes where this is going.

"So why'd you want me at this party so bad?" Elsa asks, looking up at her, Christmas lights in her eyes. "It's not exactly what you sold me on."

"Because I really want us to work out?" Anna says, playing with the frill on Elsa's shirt. "I think liking you is easy, but I want you to like me too. I don't want you to regret our bond."

That's mostly why she wanted Elsa to meet her coworkers and Tiana and Kristoff. Ever since the bond she's been generally a disappointment. She doesn't know enough about bonds and she's not high on the scale and her eating isn't right. She also thinks the wrong things or embarrassing things or things that wake Elsa during the night. But at work she does well and she fits in and knows what she's doing and she's in her element. She just wanted Elsa to see that. She wanted Elsa to see she's someone worth being bonded to.

Elsa's just sort of staring at her for a while. "That's very... " she trails off.

"It's dumb, yeah?"

"No, it's. It's backwards." Now Anna's the one just staring. Elsa keeps going like it's the hardest thing in the world to talk about her feelings. "I mean, you've always known you were going to be bonded. I can — it's something that meant a lot to you. And I was never going — I'm glad — lucky I got you." She pauses, a grin spreading across her face. "Or, I guess, lucky you tried to kill me with your bike."

Anna smiles. She actually feels quite comforted by what Elsa said, a warm feeling spreading over her body, but she doesn't comment on it. She's respectful of Elsa's deflection. "So, do you drink lots or just on special occasions?

Elsa moves her hand down and spreads her fingers over Anna's thigh. Anna leans into it instinctual. "Mostly when I'm nervous. Sometimes I — when. If I'm nervous it's sometimes harder to control my psychic abilities than it'd be if I've had a couple drinks."

Elsa's blocking isn't perfect for the first time since Anna met her, so she's getting a little bit of worry and frustration and fear leaking through. The most shocking part is how apologetic Elsa feels. "There's nothing to feel sorry about," Anna assures her.

Elsa presses her lips into a flat line. "I'm a ticking time-bomb, you were right about that."

Something clicks to Anna, then. "It's that why you're pushing me away."

"I just want you to be... to feel safe."

Anna leans down to rub her nose in Elsa's hair, but mostly succeeds in rubbing her lips on her face. She can't help feeling that she wants to make Elsa happy. "I just want to make you happy."

Elsa shifts and looks up at her, confused, and actually blushes when she sees that Anna's completely serious. As if feeling how serious Anna is wasn't enough. Anna smiles because it feels like the right thing to do, but Elsa takes her hand off Anna's thigh, throat working overtime. "I think you need more time to figure out if you're up for that."

It's not like Anna was offering to sex her on the couch right now or pick out matching bond rings. She knows they're both drunk and Elsa's not usually this open. Hell, she even realizes Elsa's probably going to go back to the way she always is the moment she sobers up — letting Anna in enough just so she's satisfied. And Anna's content with that. It's been working so far. But, still, this feels like a rejection and it stings a little.

It's fine, though. Elsa's right, maybe, Anna needs to stop jumping into things heart first and actually use her head for once. This is just a shitty time to start since her head's the thing that's making this situation difficult to navigate logically.

Anna pulls up from Elsa to put some distance between them. "Yeah, still some thinking to do."

And, because Elsa is the most confusing person on the planet, she pulls Anna down and kisses her. It's a brief kiss; Anna doesn't even get the chance to close her eyes. But it happens and it's soft and beautiful and if looking at Elsa feels like home, then this feels like heaven. Anna feels like she can't breathe when Elsa pulls back. "Sorry," Elsa says immediately. "Just needed to do that while you still think highly of me. I don't — didn't want to blow the opportunity."

Instead of being sappy and going on about how impossible it would be for Elsa to 'blow the opportunity', Anna leans down and kisses her back. This time she closes her eyes and presses into it enough for Elsa to open her mouth to make room for her. When they finally pull apart, Elsa's hand is back on her thigh and Anna's hand is tangled in Elsa's hair.

Anna tries to think of her excuse. "I just, uh. I really wanted to kiss you."

Elsa smiles softly, genuinely happy, and then her mind is a wall again and the guards come out to tell them they have to go back inside.

x

Anna snaps awake that night in the middle of them sleeping.

It's not an odd thing, sometimes it happens when she falls asleep too fast, or she's stressed or having a night terror. But this doesn't feel like it's for any of those reasons.

Elsa did say she felt Anna's thoughts while she was sleeping, so maybe she's feeling Elsa's right now. Just to be sure, Anna nudges over into Elsa's mind to check if things are okay, to feel for the warmth and comfort she normally gets from Elsa sleeping, and —

Oh.

Elsa's having a fairly vivid dream about Anna. Well, she's dreaming about them. Them together.

It's mostly coming to Anna in flashes, like it's a movie trailer — lips on skin, exploring fingers, heated skin, bite marks, hickeys — fuck, this feels so wrong and invasive, but Anna can't help herself. She pushes deeper into Elsa's mind, until she can practically see the dream herself.

It's a bit of a blur, mostly feelings that are coming in.

She can see Elsa smiling into her neck, whispering something that Anna can't quite make out, and Anna's giggling and — Elsa loves the sound, more than anything else in the world. Anna can feel it, fiercely and undoubtedly. Elsa likes being close and touching, and she's protective and possessive and... happy. It's an intense happy, makes Anna's chest fill up like she's going to burst.

It all still feels wrong, though. Still feels like Anna shouldn't be there.

It's not just seeing the sex that feels bad, because honestly everyone dreams about it, regardless if they want it in real life or not. It's the fact that Elsa dreams about them together and happy and... in love. And then when she's awake she pushes Anna away and blocks her and just. How? How can she do that when she wants it more than Anna does?

It doesn't make any sense.

Anna's so lost in thought, that she doesn't quite notice the change, notice when she's not alone in her thoughts anymore, notice when Elsa turns to look up at her.

The worst part is Elsa doesn't say anything, doesn't even think anything. She just blocks, shuts herself off from Anna again, and then goes back to sleep.

Anna rolls over and stares at the ceiling.

Being in love wouldn't be so bad.

Before she can think on it more, she's shaking Elsa awake. "So, we should have sex."

Elsa doesn't even consider it. "No."

"Stop blocking me." Elsa starts to shake her head, but Anna blurts, "You don't have to be scared of hurting me, already said you'd feel it if something bad was happening. You wouldn't... can't hurt me. I know you wouldn't."

She can feel Elsa fighting back anger. Elsa's actually annoyed, like Anna's nagging her about this. Like they're not fucking bonded and actually living a life together. Like they can just sleep peacefully in the same bed every night with Anna just being content with not knowing a single thing about Elsa. Neither one of them chose this bond, so compromise is key in this, but some things Anna will not compromise. And this is one of them.

But, jesus, she's too mad to voice any of that. "Whatever, nevermind. Just go back to sleep. And I know you're reading my thoughts right now, even though you won't let me read yours. It's entirely unfair, so be respectful and don't bother commenting on what I think."

And then Anna makes sure she thinks really loud this is fucking dumb you can't do this to me.

"I'm sorry," Elsa says immediately, sitting up and taking Anna's hand into hers. "I'm sorry, I. Can we just talk? No mind reading. Just talk like a non-bonded couple."

Anna shakes her hand away. "Why can't you just give in to this. I don't see what the big deal is."

Elsa looks defeated. Anna wants to fold immediately. "I told you that you need to think about this more. Make sure this — I'm what you really want."

"I can't have anyone else," Anna reminds her, resorting to searching her face to figure out what's really going on.

Elsa's not giving her anything. "Where are all these feelings coming from? You were happy."

Anna was happy. Until Elsa pushed her away at the party. It didn't seem so bad in the moment, but it's eating at her. Anna knows the basis of this relationship is their psychic difference, but she's never felt quite as powerless as she does right now. She doesn't understand, and she hates feeling like she's just throwing herself at Elsa. Well, she doesn't hate it, but she does when Elsa isn't receptive. She hates being open and raw and all her feelings and thoughts being laid out on a table when Elsa can pick and choose every little thing that Anna gets access to.

She hates that she let Elsa take up space in every single part of her mind, only to have Elsa deny her the same.

"Why don't you want to have that with me? What you dreamed about. Is it —" A dark, horrible thought creeps up into Anna's mind. "I'm not good enough for you, am I? I'm just a dumb four that —"

Elsa actually interrupts her by gasping in shock. And then she grabs Anna's face and looks her deep in the eyes. In that moment, Anna feels it. She feels it all. The fear. So much fear that it's crippling and overwhelming and... consuming.

Elsa really really doesn't want to hurt her. She doesn't want to lose her.