BRAMPTON, ALABAMA — 17 year-old Steven Garner is going to Hell, according to his grandmother Dolores Godfrey. While spending Sunday afternoon at her daughter’s home, Dolores was inspecting Steven’s room and found a collection of Star Wars Funko Pops on a shelf above his twin bed.

Dolores, unaware of the Star Wars characters seen in the cover photo including Zeb, Darth Maul, Thrawn, and the Grand Inquisitor, is certain it’s a Satanic shrine featuring plastic idols of the Devil and his demons.

“I’ve always been concerned about Stevie. He’s the only of my twelve grandchildren who refuses to go to church. He wears all black all the time and will never take his hood down even when it’s hot out. Now I find a collection of Satanic idols above his bed. I’m worried for his soul and that he will spend eternity in Hell.” –Dolores Godfrey on the condition of her grandson’s soul.

When Steven’s twin brother Stanley tried to explain to his grandmother that they were Star Wars characters from movies and cartoons, she quickly dismissed him as being confused and possibly under demonic influence. Dolores called her pastor to schedule an exorcism for both grandchildren, but Pastor Harold Burger of Third Street Assembly of God was busy watching Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace for it’s 20th anniversary, so he was unable to answer his phone.

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–Link Voximilian