Now maybe I'm blessed, because I don't think I have ever caused anyone serious harm in my life, which I count as a karmic positive. But I do have regrets, and the one that eats me the most to this day is the time I very nearly got married. In my manlier moments when I'm eating ribs and drinking hard liquor, I wish my regrets were things like allowing my buddy to get shot as we fought off enemy forces in a Costa Rican jungle, but nah, it was almost getting married.

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"I will feast on your bones! Or this poopy stick!"

I didn't want to get married. I suppose that's the key to understanding why this pains me. And of course I didn't. But I was engaged for about a year to someone I didn't even like by that point. If I'm being honest, the reason I proposed was to stop the constant harassment of her and her family asking why I hadn't yet. I thought, in my addled brain, maybe if we get married she'll stop being an awful person and her family will follow suit and I will inexplicably run afoul of happiness and all will be well. Can you guess how many of those things happened? Exactly jack shit of those things happened.

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My would-be wife was the sort of girl who expected to have nicer, prettier things than anyone we spent time with, or we simply couldn't spend time with those people. Likewise, if they were women, we would not be spending time with them either. Also, if they were my family, we would not be spending time with them. Also all of my stuff was something we didn't need to spend time with. And also maybe I could get a better job and better friends and stop doing anything without her.