The Depths of Brain Damage

Inhalants - Gasoline

Citation: Crystal. "The Depths of Brain Damage: An Experience with Inhalants - Gasoline (exp51101)". Erowid.org . Jun 28, 2006. erowid.org/exp/51101

DOSE:

repeated inhaled Inhalants (gas)

BODY WEIGHT: 95 lb

[Erowid Note: Our understanding of the literature is that there is no such thing as safe recreational use of volatile solvents, aerosols and other street inhalants : their psychoactive effects are inseparable from nerve and organ damage. We have chosen to include these reports to help document the real world use of inhalants, but their inclusion is not intended to imply that they are anything but dangerous.]

First of all, I will say that huffing gasoline was the most exciting, crazy, weird & best drug I'd ever done in my life (so far, I'm only 21) I've done ecstasy, it was wonderful. I did Acid, (it didint work at all. No matter who I bought it from or how much I took, I never saw anything or tripped, It just felt like I was on a sailboat rocking back & forth.) I've done Weed Crytal-Meth, Cocaine and even Crack, I did some shit that was supposed 2 put me into a so-called rabbit hole, but it never happened. Guess that was some fake shit. And I love Lora-tab!!! Demerol is good only in the drip-form (hospital).1ST EXPERIENCE:I am hanging with my female friend at our friends house. Our 2 guy friends had left 4 a while then came back. When they came back they were laughing all over us reeking of gasoline. We were like 'what N the hell?' We said, 'what the hell is wrong with U, & why N the hell do U smell like gas?' They started laughing saying, 'huh-huh, we been huffin' gas man, huh-huh!' We thought that was retarded. (We had never heard of getting high off of gasoline, didn't even know that we could). They end up talking us into going down the road and doing it also Even though we thought it was superficial.We get 2 this huge parked 18 wheeler with a rig on it. (we're way out in the boon-dox = the country!) And it's nighttime with nothing but 1 deserted dirt road & woods all around us. The 2 guys tell us 2 huff off of this gas tank opening on the big rig. So we do. When I did it and all of a sudden my body starts feeling all tingly and warm inside. After a couple of minutes, The two guys started saying that there were aliens watching them and talking to them from in the woods nearby (we were surrounded by woods). Me and my friend laughed and thought it was funny. Then they dared me and her to take 10 hits off of it in a row (or huffs). So I did. After doing 10 in a row I blacked out. In my head, I had died and all of a sudden, I became a COMMA = ( , ) in a biblical sentence.I was gonna remain as this as a punishment from GOD for the rest of eternity. Pretty crazy huh? Then I started coming back to consciousness. I saw a black and white image in front of me of some old baseball player getting ready to swing his bat. Then I came more too and realized I was sitting on the ground with my arms wrapped around this persons leg. But it was just one of the guys bending over huffing off the gas tank.Experience 2:This is hard to put into words but... Me and the same girlfriend were huffing. We were at this house that was vacant. We had the gas can sitting on the porch. We were leaning over taking turns huffing it. At one point, my friend was leaning over huffing off the gascan. I was really fucked up watching her. When she came up, she all of a sudden looked like a blow up doll. It's like she was deflated (leaning over huffing) then inflated (as she leaned or straightened upright). And when she was all the way blown up (this is so damn funny) all this birthday cake splattered on me. And all of a sudden it was my birthday and her and her sister (who was NOT there) had planned a surprise birthday party for me. All the trees and shrubs around us had these little lights at the base of them and I was screaming for joy, 'oh my god! How did yall do this? This is so cool!' And my friend is all messed up too- doesnt even know what I'm talking about. All she does is just look at me and laugh, doesnt say NE thing, Which keeps me going. Then some man comes out of his house from across the street and is like, 'excuse me, are you guys okay?' And me and my friend start stumbling off and saying yea, we're fine! And he asked something about us drinking I think, but I cant remember for sure. We had been screaming and yelling all excited over god knows what.Experience 3:This one is really hard to explain- Me and the same friend are huffing on the same porch at the same vacant house at night again. A ways into it, the gas can turns into this cartoon looking thing, (I wish I could draw a picture cause I cant describe it) It was almost like the gas can nozzle had turned into this dark red trumpet that it was talking to me out of. It started hopping around in the spot where it was sitting on the porch. It was as if I had been living this fairytale story and all of a sudden it brought me out of it to tell me what I was doing wrong in the story (my life). It was trying to tell me something very important. Then my friend turned into an angel and had been secretly watching me throughout my life and also sat with me on the porch to tell me what I was doing wrong in my life. I cant remember what the hell was said but it freaked me out.Experience 4:This was around the beginning of me doing this also. I was at my house. It was only me and my mom. My dad had his boat parked out by the side of the house. There was a big gascan hooked to the motor. I was out there huffing it. At the time my mom didnt know I did this. So when she came out there she didnt quite understand why I was so fucked up. Well she couldnt stop me. I was young and dumb. I was doing this in front of my mom thinking she wouldnt stop me. I had a piece of candy in my mouth when I started.Eventually when I got really messed up she came outside and started saying something to me. I started yelling back. I was so messed up that I didnt realize there was a piece of candy in my mouth and thought it was my tongue that had came loose in my mouth. It didnt disturb me very much, I just grabbed it out of my mouth and threw it on the ground. That was weird.Experience 5:I was outside by the boat again. This time no one was at home but me. I was huffing and all of a sudden the electrical pole or telephone pole (doesnt have a street light) at the corner end of my yard started talking to me. It didnt have a mouth, it was talking to me telepathically. It was placing thoughts into the subconscious part of my brain that I wouldnt know about or wouldnt come about until later on in life. (Crazy shit) And the tree right in front of me (a crape myrtle) was telling the telephone pole (no mouth but telepathically) that that is not allowed. Youre not allowed to do that to someone. Some ancient rule or something. Anyways, I was looking down the street. I started hearing these noises of cars riding over a medal bridge. Then I started hearing these sounds of a man saying: a silver toll to cross the bridge! And what was happening is the street adjacent to mine had turned into a 'toll bridge'. I had to pay a silver dollar to cross the bridge. And I could hear people putting the coin in the slot and driving over it. I could even see the top bridge rails (I think that's what it was!) Weird.Experience 6:I had a gascan and was chillin in my backyard. My backyard has a lot of trees and shrubbery by the way. No one was home. I was lying out in the sun in my bathing suit. I was underneath the shade of a small sweet gum maple tree (I think that's the name.) huffing. I had the cordless phone out there too. So every once in a while - while I was huffing- I would accidentally hit the on button on the phone with my leg without realizing it. The operator would come on and instead of it saying, 'Were sorry, if you'd like to make a call...' I would hear it as, 'O R lee, ' then somethin, somethin. Anyways, at one point, This frog hopped up in front of me from behind me. (Yes it was a real toad) But in my head, I believed that I was some kind of witch and that the frog had came from me. I had created this frog and set it out into the wild.Experience 7:I was huffing gas with this girl I had met down the road that was into it too. It was a sunny day. We were huffing it out of a gas can. This was a gas can that had a tube that I could pull out of it. Well I didnt know that this one was like that. So were huffing and I got pretty fucked up (again as usual) and I didnt realize it but I began sucking the gasoline up through the tube thing (that was inside not pulled out) and taking gulps of the gasoline. The girl I was with started slapping me on the back saying, 'what the hell are you doing?!! Youre drinking that shit!!!' And she took the gas can from me. I looked at her all funny (she had told me) and was like, 'why'd you take my flower juice?' And a few moments later I came to and realized what I had done. I even remembered drinking it even though I didnt know what I was drinking at the time. There were these little white flowers all around us at the time which would explain the flower juice thing. So we stopped.I dont know how much I had ingested but it was at least 2 gulps. I dont know how I didnt die. I wonder how much I would have to drink to die. But in the next couple of hours, each time I burped I tasted that damn gas! It made me wanna throw up. (which I probably should have!) So one of our friends picked us up and they stopped by a gas station. I decided to get some cream soda. Maybe put something in my stomach that would take away that taste when I burped. Well... WRONG IDEA! It did nothing but make me burp more and made it taste even WORSE.End of it all:What caused me to pretty much stop doing this is the sounds that I started hearing that werent really there. I began to hear this low buzzing noise. It sounded like it was coming from the power lines above my head. (Which made me begin to think that because I huffed gas it caused me to hear the electricity running through the wires.) I know it sound crazy. Then what actually scared me out of doing it is this bamming noise. I kept hearing this noise in the distance. I couldnt place where it was coming from exactly. It sounded as if someone had a sledge hammer and was pounding on the side of a building that had aluminum siding.It didnt bother me when it first started but the more I huffed, I noticed the louder and closer it got, even though I couldn't pin-point it. Finally it dawned on me one day when I was kinda sober. And it almost made me piss my pants. There is a saying You will hear me knocking at your door... something like that. Well that really got me to quit. I really believe that after a year and a half of huffing gasoline, God was knocking at my door. He was warning me. The sound of the knocking, which as months passed became a gradually louder bamming sound, I couldnt have fun when I was huffing.The sound was so loud it overtook all the hallucinations I would have normally. It came to the point where I really began to believe something was coming after me. I had no idea what it was but it was creepy. I'd start huffing and there it was - again, even louder and closer sounding this time. What ever it was, it was going to get me. And I consciously knew this. So I quit. After a month or two I realized that what it was (what I truly believe) was death knocking at my door. Getting closer and closer.What happened to me about 3 months after I had completely stopped huffing gas and doing any kind of drug was unexpected. I first began to not sleep. I felt like I didnt even need to. I started to become delusional, exactly like a schizophrenic. I believed people I knew very well were actually undercover detectives watching every move I made. I cant go into all the details but mainly I thought I was psychic and new these things and all the colors meant something and so forth. I ended up going in the hospital. I got better after a week of being in there and got out. Didnt do any kind of drugs or anything, Yet I became even worse and not only becoming even more delusional but began hallucinating- seeing and hearing things that werent really there. So I went into the hospital again. I was then committed from that hospital to an institute for about 6 months.I did get better after the first month or two of being in there. I got out and have been fine ever since in that aspect. I even did other drugs and stuff (did not huff anything!) and was fine. It's almost unexplained by the psychiatrists I've been to. It's the fact that I had quit huffing, and did not do any other drug for about 3 months. Then all of a sudden my brain decided to turn on me.I finally quit doing drugs and just stuck to drinking. It's been like that now for a few years. Now I am a manic depressive. I will pretty much have to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. And anti-depressants dont even really do shit. They barely motivate me to get up out of the bed and live life. I also have an anger problem now that has caused me to go to jail a few times and pay a hefty fine a few times. I cant handle stress like a normal person, my stress turns into anxiety and anxiety into anxiety attacks.For the past 2 years I've been having chest pains in this one spot on the left side of my chest that I am gonna probably need to get checked out when I eventually get a job and insurance again. I get ridiculously scared sometimes when I'm by myself. I get these brief feelings that something is in the house with me. Therefore I cannot live by myself. If my boyfriend isnt here one night I have to get a friend or something to stay with me. Then I'm okay. My psychiatrist has said that the main cause of my problems is from the gasoline chemicals that I put into my body and brain - that screwed up the chemicals in my body and brain, more than likely for life.