GAME 2 GAME NOTES. I seriously need to make y'all pay me if I'm gonna provide exceptional analysis like this.





-Jason Heyward got the first hit of the game. It's the beard, I'm tellin' ya.



-Carlos Gomez can outrun a treadmill. I blame the cocaine he's definitely on.



-Carlos Gomez probably looks creepy even in his sleep. I blame the cocaine he's definitely on.



-The cameras should always show fans when they run on the field. You might say, "but that's gonna encourage people to run on the field so they'll be on TV!" Nah, let me finish. Hit up the Supreme Court or whoever you gotta talk to and get them to grant all active MLB players immunity from prosecution for things they do on the baseball field. Well, not all things, but like, assault, and stuff. Then, you encourage the players to knock the fuck outta whoever runs on the field. Like, legit: once a fan runs on the field, the game COMPLETELY stops and turns into a huge ass steel cage match. Beat the shit out of that fan. Unless it's a girl. If it's a girl and she ain't got a weapon, let her live that dream, okay? Just give her a few minutes to touch all the dude's asses and get off the field. It's no big deal. But really. Allow fan interruptions to turn into a steel cage match. It'll boost attendance and keep fans off the field. Win/win.



-If Freddie Freeman has already ran from first to third, never send him home unless the dude with the ball suddenly comes down with a case of polio or gets abducted by aliens or Al-Qaeda. That's the only time you're allowed to send him. Even if the ball is stuck in the ivy at Wrigley Field and the umps are just like "oh well keep playing" you never send Freddie after he's already ran 180 feet. It's a death trap.



-Today is Joe Simpson's mom's birthday. I bet she could beat Freddie in a race from first to home - and she's old as fuck.



-But if the dude is just gonna hit 2 homers every game, who gives a fuck? Let's not worry about his baserunning when the dude can literally just swing the bat and have a bunch of loincloth-wearing man servants come out and fan him with one of those big ass leaf things while they carry him around the bases.



-Pornhub needs a 6-4-3 double play category. I'd watch the fuck outta that. I'd pay so much money for that.



-You know how the Harry Potter movies have those moving pictures or whatever? Like that picture of Harry's parents dancing and kissing and smiling at the camera? Someone needs to make that technology come to life so I can frame a Jason Heyward homer on my wall. I'd prolly put it on the ceiling over my bed so I can watch that sexyness while I'm having sex or crying myself to sleep.



-B.J. Upton will not get a hit until people quit subtweeting about him.



-Jordan Schafer's hair deserves to be in the starting lineup. I'm not saying Jordan Schafer deserves to be starting - just his hair. I don't know how we can make that work, but that mane is gorgeous. That's boy band-quality stuff right there.



-Dan Uggla is only hitting doubles or homers this year. No singles, no triples. Doubles, homers, walks, Ks, and pop-ups to the OF. That's all.



-The Sausage Race happened again and it was equally as terrifying in game 2 as it was in game 1. I'm not lying, I seriously can't watch that thing. Gonna have a nightmare about people-sized penises chasing me.



-Craig Kimbrel is gonna lead the league in strikeouts. Notice I didn't say "closers" or "relief pitchers." The league. For real.



-A 161-1 record has never happened before but I'm feeling good about our chances. Honestly.





Game 2 is in the books. I liked what I saw from all the guys (except B.J. - but I have faith). Wednesday's game is a day game and day games are the worst because I don't plan on getting out of bed until like 4. Wake me up if we win.





Reply · Report Post