Title: Scientist Torture Tutorial

Date: September 14, 1999

Author: Max Kit Introduction

So you bought Half-Life, finished it a couple of times, memorized every centimeter of the multiplayer maps, got sick of Team Fortress Classic and played so much Action Half-Life that the thought of playing it again makes you wanna puke. Here comes the part where you go into Add/Remove Programs and get rid of the damn thing… Not so fast! There's always the STT - the Scientist Torturing Tutorial, which you are reading right now. Don't you just hate those damn scientists? Their sparkling white suits, their neat haircuts, their glasses? Now that you used the game's wide array of weapons to save the world, it's time to get those guns out of the closet and kick some scientist ass! Part 1 - He Like's Em Flat

What the hell are you looking at? You've entered the Black Mesa facility. Right in front of you, is a room with a large world map on the wall. You see a security guard trying to recover his files after some evil teenager formatted his hard drive with Back Orifice. You also see a peaceful scientist examining a bunch of gorgeous LCD displays that the company was finally able to afford after they uh, cut back on certain things. Yeah now you know why your protective suit protects you from hazardous chemicals but not from drowning. He will be your first target. I decided to just use that little sniper gun to eliminate the bastard, he's not worth the creativity. Part 2 - Up Yours!

He told me he was busy… I hate when people say that! Now that you're done with the LCD lover, it's time you took care of that other scientist. Yeah the guy who's telling the nerd wannabe security guard that he should have backed up his files more often than annually. Part 3 - I'm Walking on Sunshine

A: Walking up to it and trying to discover it's origin is not the correct answer.

Q: What do you do when you see a mine right in front of you? Ok, it's time to make use of some good ol' explosives, and that guy walking down the hall seems pretty excited. Use the that mine with a remote control to take him out, satisfaction guaranteed! Part 4 - Don't You Fucking Move!

I didn't shoot... But he moved.

Don't move or I'll shoot! A powerful mine equipped with a laser tripwire - every husband's dream. I decided to try out that baby on two unsuspecting colleagues who were discussing some top secret happenings (they stole their very first issue of Playboy) in the hall. The effect was explosive! Part 5 - Dinner's Ready!

There will be no more system crashes for those lucky guys. Ah, the computer lab with a bunch of scientists trying to make some extra cash by designing porn sites for webmasters who were having trouble with finding a summer job. My favorite thing to do is unload half-dozen of those little mutated creatures into the lab and shut the door. The screams will make your day!

Executions, I love em! A humble son of science has been wounded but survived the attack of little mutated creatures! Quick, chase him into the corner and make a nice little hole between his eyes! Part 6 - The Forbidden Room

And you thought only magicians could disappear in a cloud of smoke!

They can't run for it, the door is locked. I'm sure you're all aware of the room where you get to see that mysterious guy in a violet suit who's discussing something with a scientist? Doesn't it make you angry that you can't hear anything? Well, I decided to do something about it. I took a crowbar, broke the window and threw a grenade in there. Problem solved! Part 7 - Bravery Can be Bad for Your Health

He should have moved. What's behind that door and why won't that soldier let you go through? Nah, I didn't bother finding out, I just sent him a little present in form of a rocket and watched him die. He should have strafed or something. I guess no one told him that bravery can be bad for his health. Part 8 - Smells Like Fried Chicken

Smells like fried chicken. I wonder what this gun does? It couldn't possibly do any damage, look at those beautiful colors! That guy had to find out the hard way. But hey, at least he can be proud of himself, since he one of the two people in the world that know what it feels like to get barbecued. The other one is that kid from Jurassic park who wouldn't jump off the fence even if that ment getting his ass fried. Part 9 - Fitness Is Important

They had no sense of humor…

Last one to the laser buys the lunch! Oh yea, more tripwire love! These two fellas were walking down the hall in separate directions. It was only a matter of time before one of them got them killed. Part 10 - Stop. Drop.

Dammit, you got it all wrong! First you have to stop, and only then you drop.

Stop. Drop. I'm beginning to think that there is something wrong with those scientists. Why the hell do they keep blowing themselves up on my laser mines? It's very exciting to use laser tripwire mines to take them out, but you gotta be quick and run away before the mine gets detonated. Part 11 - He Never Saw it Coming

He didn't, I swear!

He never saw it coming. That victim of knowledge was so mad at his broken computer that he never saw my mine right under it. And y'all know that when Dr. Evil gets mad…. People die! Well in this case, the doctor himself dies, but that's not important, right? Using the remote-controlled mine is also a fun way to give them a one-way ticket to hell. At least you're the only one who can detonate the bomb. Part 12 - T-shirts For Life!

I didn't feel like letting him ruin my trip to the other side of that door. That silly security guard told me that if I wanna get through that door, I'm gonna need to have my suit. I had a different opinion and found another way out of the situation. I just had to keep my Beavis and Butthead T-shirt on, dammit! Part 13 - More Fried Chicken!

Never ever bother a mad scientist with blood all over his face! And here's another lethal case of idiocy. When you see a mad scientist with blood all over his face, what do you do? You certainly don't come up to him and start complaining about your tie! If he knew what was going to happen a few seconds down the road, he would forget about his tie. Sadly for him, the time machine was borrowed for the filming of Austin Powers 2 that day. Part 14 - He Just Wanted a Pepsi

If he ever watched TV, he would certainly be alive now, since he would know that scary things happen when you ask for a Pepsi and get a Coke. That Albert Einstein clone shouldn't have stood up to get himself a Pepsi. Nine out of ten doomed scientists agree that it's better to be thirsty than dead. The tenth scientist's mother-in-law just moved in. Part 15 - That Gives Me an Idea

This guy just didn't care.

He only had four seconds to make up his mind. I guess this one's my favorite. Have you ever visited the washroom that's located right near the locker room and saw that both cabins are busy, but no matter how long you wait, no one ever comes out? That gives me an idea, an evil idea. Would one of them come out if he saw a grenade roll into the cabin? And what would the other one do if he saw that a little starving monster is about to be thrown on his head? Tests results showed that both scientists preferred to stay inside.