CHICAGO— Speaking with members of his staff in private Monday after receiving the most recent municipal crime statistics, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to have expressed his concern that the metropolitan area’s gun violence problem might soon spread to the parts of the city he actually gives a shit about, sources reported. “Listen, we’re at 3,000 shootings this year and counting—it’s only a matter of time before this violence migrates from the areas of the city I don’t give a fuck about into the areas that actually matter in my eyes,” the second-term mayor reportedly said, adding that it would be devastating to see such senseless shootings affect residents outside of the large swaths of Chicago he has written off entirely. “If we don’t do something soon to keep guns off the streets of those particular neighborhoods that I consider worthwhile, things could really spiral out of control. Enough is enough when it comes to the parts of this city that I choose to serve.” At press time, Emanuel was breathing a sigh of relief after learning that six Chicagoans killed overnight were shot dead in neighborhoods he couldn’t care less about.

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