Rick Perry, Head Yell leader ’72 and 11th Runner-Up in season 23 of Dancing With the Stars, recently implied that Texas A&M Student Body Elections may have been part of a larger Russian tampering conspiracy. For weeks, the public anxiously awaited as Rick Perry stayed silent on the student elections, despite this clearly being a part of his duties as head of the Department of Energy.

“Democrats have been going on and on about election conspiracies with Russia,” said Perry in off the cuff remarks as aides anxiously tried to shove nuclear infrastructure documents in front of him. “While it is absolutely not true regarding Russian involvement at the Federal level, there are no limits to how far down the ballot ‘the powers that be’ will go to manipulate public opinion. Even if that public opinion is only 20% of Texas A&M’s student body for 2 weeks out of each year,” said the former meat and animal sciences major.

Alarming evidence shared with The Mugdown from Perry’s office reveals that McIntosh would have been successful in his reach for the presidency if not for the machinations of the Russian autocrat, Vladimir Putin. Perry’s statement claims that the connection is not “entirely clear” but that the corruption of the case is extremely apparent.

“First, evidence has come out that the student-appointed Election Commission ignored some of their own rules. Luckily, I was able to spot these from a very unbiased perspective as I have no business in this election whatsoever. Second, the more time I spend investigating this case, the more I find undeniable ties to Russia. I intend to use all of my time and resources to ensure I uncover the exact ties to the Putin administration. I can see no better use of my national platform than to get involved in this process. And third . . . sorry, I cannot remember the third thing,” said Perry.

Between lights flickering in Perry’s office of the 27.9 billion dollar Federal agency, Perry expressed eagerness to further investigate these election conspiracies and looks forward to the supportive and unified reaction he will receive from his loyal Aggie supporters.

—5K for Yell