Dear Sir,

I received your correspondence last week regarding my apology letter to Rep. Curt Webb (who kindly helped me see nursing for what it really is: a perversion), and I understand that I need to extend my apologies your direction, as well. It seems as though, in addition to the tone of my column, I have hurt your feelings by raising my kiddo without a man.

You said, “As a husband and father I’m entirely offended by your choice to eliminate the role of a man and father in the upbringing of your child.”

I appreciate you taking the time to share your personal feelings (you must be so busy writing the growing number of lesbian parents — not to mention all those single mamas!), because I honestly had failed to consider you and your level of offense as I formed my family.

Gah, I have been such a jerk lately!

You know, some might argue that my relationship with my wife, Elenor, is based on love, commitment, companionship and dedication. But you see it for what it really is: a man-hating, exclusionary, lady-lover club where we roll around in the ashes of our burned bras.

(Courtesy of Marina Gomberg) Elenor Gomberg and baby Harvey show off their smiles.

I feel so exposed. And remorseful!

Here we are, gallivanting around in offensive manlessness when there are desperate single men out there who are unfairly denied their chance at lust and love. Selfish!

You’ve uncovered a gross injustice. If you think about it, men have been heroic champions of inclusion throughout history. You guys shouldn’t have to endure this bigotry after letting most Americans live freely for, like, a century and a half now. This is not the thanks you deserve for letting women vote, work and wear pants — and for considering (I’m sure you’ll commit soon!) the possibility of guaranteeing equal rights to all people regardless of their sex (how do you feel about the Equal Rights Amendment, reader?).

But more than just your brotherhood of men, I bet you have our son’s best interest in mind. Because it doesn’t matter that he’ll have grandpas, uncles, cousins, guncles (those are gay uncles — you’d love them; they’re super male-inclusive), boy classmates, TV, the internet, movies, and male teachers, doctors, coaches, musicians, radio hosts, business leaders, athletes, public servants and actors in his life — without a man in the home, who will teach little Harvey the traditional man stuff? (By the way, what constitutes traditional man stuff these days? Peeing standing up? Lawn mowing? Grilling? Please tell me it is not shooting people and sexually assaulting women.)

We’re obviously denying him opportunity. And you’re helping me see it.

As someone who supports breastfeeding (as long as it’s done without the breast’s primary function ever seeing the light of day), you asked that in the future I would consider both sides of an issue before writing another stupid article mocking those who are really on my side.

So, my dear reader, I hope you feel heard. Thank you for being on the side of (fully-clothed-when-nursing heterosexual married) women. What a guy.