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TACOMA, WA—After starting a gluten free diet several weeks ago, area man Aden Landau has been able to successfully shed 15 friends. “It was my New Year’s resolution to eliminate gluten from my diet after reading about its impact on the immune system, and since that time, I’ve watched the friends just fall off,” said Mr. Landau to reporters. While the science has yet to be confirmed, several researchers have shown that removing the protein complex found in wheat, barley, rye, and triticale can materially reduce one’s friend count, sometimes in a very short amount of time. “I remember being shocked at how quickly I was able to lose friends. After announcing my gluten-free lifestyle, I immediately lost two friends in my first week alone.” Several sources confirmed that as Mr. Landau’s gluten-free regimen became even stricter, he was noticing a significantly lower number of friends in his nights and weekends and then eventually a much lighter in-box and contact list. “I’ve already gotten my girlfriend on the diet and she’s losing friends even faster than I am.” Final reports showed that the gluten-free diet is also successful in keeping the friends off, as none of Mr. Landau’s friends have returned.