This week a woman's description of what she eats in an average day for a newspaper went viral. The reason why is fairly self-explanatory:

In a piece published in the Daily Telegraph, Kara Rosen, a former magazine executive who founded a juice company, described her typical "day on a plate".

It begins at 6am with a “hot water and lemon” before a shower, with a naughty “handful of nuts” before a run, then a delicious “green juice”, later followed by a satisfying evening meal of “kale salad with pistachios”.

The general reaction was like this:

Followed by a few suggestions of what other people consumed in a typical day.

In this spirit, here's mine:

(Please note: Times may vary)

My day on a plate

5am: Wake up shouting expletives. Black coffee.

7am: Black coffee, potentially a croissant or some Ibroprofen, depending on what day it is. Still shouting expletives, now in the office.

8.30am: Maybe a latte.

9am: ?

11am: Some raisins with yogurt on them, because raisins are fruit and fruit is healthy.

1pm: Crawl out of the office to find something edible on the high street. Sometimes I find something edible in the canteen.

3pm: I usually feel a dip in energy and start craving caffeine, so I drink coffee which has caffeine in it.

6.30pm: Gin

8pm: Literally anything that isn’t kale salad with pistachios.

9pm: Gin

(repeat)

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