Confucius once said “ 知者乐水，仁者乐山。知者动，仁者静。知者乐，仁者寿.” I have no idea what that means but it’s probably romantic and or insightful. Last week we took an expedition into the rocky waters of love and sank like the Titanic. Worry not readers, our rescue raft has arrived. Like Confucius it’s made in China and probably dates back to the bronze age.

Every week I take your questions and provide you insightful answers to your questions. Well, maybe not always insightful but at least the advice is free.

Reader Questions

Jacoby Asks: So uh what kind of questions are you looking for?

Econ Answers: Preferably nothing related to tax evasion.

Watz Asks: dear econ, why is coop so dumb and bad?

Econ Coops it Up: Coop is an intelligent, hardworking, honest person who occasionally chains feeds and throws your pubs. As Confucius would say, “ 已所不欲，勿施于人.” Yet again, I have no idea what that means but it’s probably insightful or something.

Also Chinese government please don’t make me disappear like Fan Bingbing, I’m trying my best to make you guys look good here!

Don’t evade your Chinese taxes and go to Chinese prison like Fan Bingbing. This is also an excuse to put a picture of a beautiful woman in my article because judging by the profile pictures all you weebs have been using that’s what you weirdos are into nowadays.

Anonymous Asks: how do i ban people i don’t like without it looking like abuse of power ty please respond.

Econ Answers: Buzzfeed Style!

5 ways to ban people without making it look like abuse of power

Plant the evidence.

Plenty of stories of cops in Chicago in the old days planting guns. Doctored chat logs, suspicious cosmetic transfers, or just Polarburied it up and claim his teammates threw him under the bus.

2. Cite an esoteric rule that no one read

No one reads the rules anyways. The final line in section 3 is particularly promising for abuse of power

3. After successfully conquering modern day France, chase your opponents to Greece, defeat them on the field of battle, and declare yourself a dictator after banging Cleopatra.

You are banned for the glory of Rome!

Sadly I hear this method is difficult to replicate.

4. Make it look like Smacktrick issued the decision.

Kill two birds with one stone: ban a player and discredit the Smatrickocracy advocates.

5. Distract everyone by simultaneously unbanning Polarburied

The memers don’t have the attention span to handle that much dankness at once.

Devilesk asks: is it weird for a 26 year old guy to date an 18 year old girl?

Econ Hypothesizes: 26 fails the Age/2 + 7 rule but may still work. Remember the golden rule in life regarding what other people think about you: If you have tons of money people will overlook what would otherwise be considered inappropriate actions.

Fake Reader Question

Matieu Asks: Hey Econ, could you provide me with some erotic Yu-Gi-Oh! fan fiction sponsored by major alcohol distributors?

Trigger Warning: May contain excessive amounts of Exodia

Econ Answers: Wow Matieu, you’re into some weird shit. No wonder why Diaspora left. However, I can’t possibly disappoint an avid reader of my column.

Fifty Shades of Exodia

It was a dark, dank night on Black Label bar on 34th Avenue in Seoul. Stella had just finished the finest beer money can buy when a man in a dark coat took the seat next to her.

“Is this seat taken” the man asked?

“For a normal man yes, but perhaps not for a man of Crown Royal caliber.”

“Johnny Walker’s the name. Bartender, two blue labels of Scotch.”

This article brought to you by Johnny Walker Blue Label, who did not actually pay me any money for this article.

Stella looked deeply into Johnny’s eyes. “So what’s your play Johnny?”

With a smirk, Johnny revealed his opening play for the heart of Stella: “I play pot of greed! With this play, I can draw two new cards. One of those cards is also a pot of greed, allowing me to draw two additional cards!”

Stella knew she must be dealing with a man of exceptional character, perhaps as much character as a bottle of Opus One. She played a card faced down, and ended her turn.

Johnny continued his play for Stella’s heart, drawing a card. “Stella, the foundation of any evening is the head of Exodia. One’s journey must always begin somewhere, and without a solid mind and quick wit one would be left as dry and depraved as a bottle of Budweiser.” Johnny proceeded to play his Dark Magician in attack mode.

Stella countered. “Wise talk Mr. Walker. I see you like Blue Label? Well, your Dark Magician won’t like my Blue Eyes White Dragon!” and with that the Dark Magician was left as broken as Coors beer.

You know what this is

Johnny drew another card. “A lady of conviction I see? Almost as much conviction as the Right arm of Exodia. The Right arm grabs what is before it and makes the best of all opportunities it sees. It is the powerful extension of the head and body of Exodia.” Johnny placed a trap card face down and ended his turn.

Stella Continued her test of Johnny’s game. “I hope you are as strong as a bottle of Guinness. I play a second blue eyes and attack your life points directly!”

Johnny countered. “Not so fast! I activate Kuriboh! It creates four Kuriboh tokens. I use two tokens to block both of your attacks! This resourcefulness is like the Left arm of Exodia, which defends the right’s ambitious plays by fending off all who would oppose him. That is the way to a lady’s heart.”

As Stella ended her turn, Johnny drew another card. “What a lady truly wants sometimes is the Left leg of Exodia. What is the left leg of Exodia? That’s his penis. What did you expect? I can’t always be metaphorical and what did you think he was “obliterating” his opponents with?” Johnny placed a card in defense mode and ended his turn.

Stella grimed widely. “I place my Third Blue Eyes White Dragon in attack mode. My board is as aggressive and powerful as a bottle of Glenlivet and will devastate your meager defenses.” With the three Blue Eyes White Dragons, Stella obliterated the remaining two Kuribohs and the face-down Summoned Skull that was played in Defense Mode. “I end my turn!”

Johnny let out a wide grim and drew his last card. “Stella, the final key to a woman’s heart is the right leg of Exodia. The right leg travels the world, seeking fortune and glory. I don’t often dominate the world of love, but when I do I bring my full Exodia to the table.”

Johnny played his Exodia the Forbidden one, obliterating the enemy Blue Eyes White Dragons and Stella’s opposition.

That night on 34th Avenue in Seoul, the darkness within the heart of a blue eyed beauty fell to the fifty shades of Exodia.

Thanks for reading everyone. Feel free to PM me your questions at Econ#0240 on Discord.