The Indigenous flag is a deadly design – simple, meaningful. No rainbow serpent. A dream for kids to draw. Credit:Max Mason-Hubers The question of whether Australia should have a new flag has been raised again. And yes, the country does need a new pennant. But so far we've had all these suggested designs that feature a kangaroo, including one with a scrap of Union Jack on its arse. Is it a nappy? Is this an incontinent continent? As if the current flag hasn't suffered enough indignities, what with being draped around Pauline Hanson's powerless shoulders and waved aggressively by rabid whitey whiney bigots. And it was only legally ratified by parliament in 1954. Well may we cringe to recall Jerry Seinfeld's remark: "I love your flag – Great Britain at night." The New Zealand news is good news, because when the Australian flag is hoisted at the Olympics and other multi-national rah-rah events, you've always got to quickly check that it's not N-bloody-Z. Or Fiji. Or Bermuda, Anguilla, Niue; Virgin, Cayman, Cook or Falkland islands. Montserrat, Pitcairn, South Georgia, South Sandwich, Saint Helena, Tuvalu, Turks and Caicos islands. Indian Ocean Territory. Tristan da Cunha.

The Eureka flag is a great design. It has history and meaning. A flag should be simple – a child should be able to draw it easily from memory. And it should use symbolism that is meaningful. What we have is the British blue ensign, with the Jack in the canton (top left quarter). It's the cross of St George, pressing down oppressively on the crosses of Scotland's St Andrew and Ireland's St Patrick. It is a fussy design (meaningful for Britain) but which bits of which cross poke out where from under the George? It fails the kid test. The Red Peak, the popular choice for the new Kiwi flag. Credit:Stuff.co.nz The fly half has the Crux, or Southern Cross. You've got to make sure you get that baby star the right distance between Delta Crucis and Acrux. Poor kids. But there's nothing particularly Australian about the constellation – it can be seen by every nation in the southern hemisphere.

Then, in the lower hoist quarter is the Commonwealth – or federal – star. One point for each of the states and one for the territories. A new Australian flag? No roos please. When asked if statehood for the NT would mean changing the current flag, short-term Glorious Leader Tony Abbott said it wasn't much of a change: six points become seven. The Commonwealth star already has seven points, you blithering Rhodes Scholar ninny. The extra point was under your hat. The Eureka flag is a great design, a stylised southern cross. It has history and meaning. The miners weren't trying to overthrow the government, they just wanted the right to vote, to have a say in their fate. Diggers, migrants, aspirants fought and died under this one – slaughtered by British soldiers. But their reforms went through. Unfortunately, the flag now has a somewhat tarnished reputation, owing to its adoption by militant unions. But it is a terrific graphic composition. The Crux idea is often attributed to digger John Wilson, the design to Canadian Henry Ross – Irish rebel Anastasia Hayes and friends are said to have sat up all night to make the massive 400 by 260-centimetre flag from blue twill cotton shirt material and cream wool for the stars.

It was flown the next day – November 29, 1854 – atop a 20-metre mast, the base of which – appropriately – sat in an abandoned mineshaft. You can see what's left of it in the Art Gallery of Ballarat. The Indigenous flag is a deadly design – simple, meaningful. No rainbow serpent. A dream for kids to draw. Timor Leste – another top design: the country is only a dozen years old but it had a winner ready to fly. The crocodile is sacred there but the creature is not on the flag. And then there is Canada. Brilliant design. Immediate recognition: what else could it be but "Canadia?" (ex-GL Abbott again). Only had it since 1965. Dumped the Jack – but the country's still in the Commonwealth – and there was no blood in the streets.

A new, grown-up Australian flag is long overdue. We did it with the national anthem, so why not with this embarrassing, archaic, colonial throwback banner? Of course, setting fire to Australia's current flag is not recommended. They are usually made from some kind of synthetic material – it won't burn, it'd just sort of shrivel up and melt; give off a nasty, toxic stink. The challenge will be for vexillographers to come up with a simple, meaningful standard, rather than something so stupid that we might as well fly a pair of red Speedos. And a kangaroo is a stupid, stupid idea. In some rural areas, roos can be a serious pest. Not to mention the ones that mash up your car when they play chicken and end up as road kill. And they fart something shocking – about three litres of methane a day – each. If we must have an animal – and pay homage to the British at the same time – how about a rabbit? A feral deer? Or a fox? Canada beat Australia in the flag stakes and now New Zealand is about to do likewise. Let us get cracking on this and come up with something bold that says "Australia" to the world.

But with no beasts. Let us be hop-less, not hopeless, about it. Or we shall rue the day. Daniel O'Leary is a freelance journalist and scriptwriter.