Katz and Dogs

Excerpt from a communication over the Foundation sIRCp network between Senior Legal Consultant Sheldon Katz (nickname skatz ) and Senior Researcher Harold Graham (nickname maninthecomputer ):

skatz: you wanted to talk? maninthecomputer: yes how's your day? skatz: it's going well so far, if you want to know, though I doubt that's why you flagged me down maninthecomputer: i've got an assignment for you, if you're up for it skatz: okay? do you need me to look at something? maninthecomputer: No, it's more of an infiltration maninthecomputer: By any chance, have you been briefed on the Judge's Yellow Court? skatz: no skatz: and i'm not really a field agent? * maninthecomputer has uploaded file goi-344-judge-s-yellow-court.html maninthecomputer: Don't worry, it's nothing hard. maninthecomputer: Have you read the file yet? skatz: So it's a court? maninthecomputer: Yes. skatz: What am I doing? maninthecomputer: They're looking for a new lawyer. It's more of a kangaroo court thing, but it's their MO to look at least barely presentable. maninthecomputer: We've got some undercover agents in already, but we need someone who knows the law to get into their inner circle. skatz: Alright. skatz: But wouldn't they have some kind of alternate-universe law where they control everything? maninthecomputer: They do. * maninthecomputer has uploaded file goi-344-known-policies-and-laws.docx

WARNING: DOCUMENT EXCEEDS 50MB IN SIZE skatz: wow skatz: You want me to memorize this whole thing? maninthecomputer: Yes. Might take a day or two. skatz: I'll have it done by midnight.

Shock sat on the cold floor of the windowless steel prison cell. It smelled like mildew and stale piss, and didn't have as much as a bed, let alone a decent place to sit. It wasn't like Shock had a choice, anyways, as she had been chained to the wall by her ankle.

A short beep sounded as the door to the cell opened, revealing the familiar sight of the prison guard in green, metallic armor, who checked on her every few hours to give her food and water to make sure she didn't starve to death.

"Your trial is tomorrow, Shock," the guard said in his usual deep voice that reminded Shock of the reverberation of a metal plate hit by a rock. "You'll want to prepare."

Shock turned and showed him her bare teeth as she growled. She considered flipping him off for effect, but decided against it.

The guard set the plate down in front of the door before closing it. Shock moved to the plate and began to eat the shit that this place called food. Every time she opened her mouth, she instinctively felt the roof of it with her tongue to make sure the small laser ray that she'd smuggled into the court was still there. At this point, the thought of shooting the Judge through his head with the laser was the only thing keeping her sane.

GoI-344 ("The Judge's Yellow Court") is a group of mercenaries masquerading as a freelance law enforcement group. GoI-344 has a full militarized police force, a courtroom, a prison of some kind, and access to multiversal travel technology. Although GoI-344 often operates of its own accord, evidence suggests that it had operated at the behest of other Groups of Interest in the past. However, it is believed that the true motive of GoI-344 is to capture and imprison civilians under the pretense of its "laws," then ransom them at high prices using "bail." One of GoI-344's major values is the illegality of the anomalous, and is known to be in the possession of SCP-████, SCP-███-A, and at least one member of SCP-████. GoI-344 is primarily operated by PoI-1344 ("The Judge"), an entity who is believed to possess high-level ontokinetic abilities. GoI-344 is headquartered aboard "The Judge's Courtroom," a large spaceship that contains most, if not all, of GoI-344's operations.

Bill sat on the barstool in the darkly-lit central judge's lounge, thinking to himself, how did I get here? He remembered getting his certification in law, and his parents hugging him and telling him that they were proud, and helping folks out in his first court cases. Then he got offered some off-shore job for twice his salary, and he took it without thinking. Now, he was stuck in an endless loop aboard this ship, "winning" cases for clients that were already damned from the start. He hadn't heard from his family in years.

Yeah, he was filthy rich, but what good was that when he couldn't even leave this damn ship!

Suddenly, the lights came on, and Bill saw an older man in a traditional business suit and briefcase standing in the doorway. By the looks of it, he was just as surprised as Bill was.

"Oh, hey, um, sport, mate," Bill said. Shit, can he hear the slur in my voice? I'll get my ass kicked if the Judge finds out I've been drinking on the job. "Um, sorry, I forgot ya' name, mate. Could ya', y'know…"

"It's Katz," the man replied, "Sheldon Katz." He walked over to the bar and poured himself a martini. "Could I ask you what you're doing here?"

Bill realized that Katz could clearly see the glass holding half of the fizz he'd just downed. He tried to hide it with his hand. "Could… Could I ask you the same question, partner?"

"I'm better at defending when I'm tipsy," replied Katz, sipping the martini, "Noah Sweat once said that wine was the oil of conversation."

"S-Sorry, but didn't Plato—" Bill began before he stopped himself, remembering that the new kid came from an alternate universe. Bill tried to stand up, but spilled what was left of his fizz on his suit.

"Ah, shit," said Bill, "I think that's gonna, uh, gonna look bad in the court. I think I'll go and, um, clean it off."

"Stay safe out there," replied Katz.

As Bill left, he didn't see Katz pour his martini down the drain, nor did he see him take a medium-sized device out of his briefcase and attach it to the bottom-side of the bar.

Shock awoke to the familiar sight opening the door to her cell. This time, he was accompanied by two other guards.

"Your trial is commencing," said the guard, in his usual grating, metal voice. "The Judge will decide your fate."

As the guard took his key and unchained her from the wall, Shock thought about spitting out her weapon, shooting the three guards, and making a break for it. Unfortunately, she knew that there were several more guards in the facility, some armed with rifles that would turn her to pulp with their fire rate alone. Besides, she didn't want to just kill the measly guards; she wanted to kill the Judge himself.

She would just have to bide her time. The guards escorted her at gunpoint out of the cell and to the courtroom.

Sheldon Katz couldn't tell whether the tension in the courtroom was high due to the massive crowd of people present in the stadium-sized courtroom, or the potentially omnipotent reality bender sitting right next to him. Katz had only seen the Judge himself a few times, even during the interviewing process, but now the Judge, sitting in his gleaming green armor with lots of sharp points and spikes, seemed to tower over the entire room. His armor covered all but his worn, red-skinned face, who had the composition and beard of an older man.

Across from him, on the prosecutor's side, was Bill, the drunkard he had encountered while he was setting up the device in the bar room. Katz could still see the wet spot on his suit where he spilled his alcohol.

Katz looked out to the audience. Graham had asserted that at least three members of the audience were undercover agents who would open fire on the Judge and his men when he gave the signal.

"All rise!" said the Judge in a booming voice that seemed to reverberate throughout the room, "the Yellow Court is now in session. The Judge is presiding. Be seated." The people rose and fell at the Judge's command.

"Calling the case of the Judge's Yellow Court versus Shock." On cue, three guards marched Katz' defendant into the room: the dog-girl in the neon yellow prison suit.

After Shock had been marched in, the Judge turned to Katz. "Are both sides ready?" he inquired.

"Ready for the defense, your honor." replied Katz.

"R-ready for the, um, prosecution, honor." replied Bill with a slur in his voice.

As the Judge swore in the jury, who Katz knew to be there only for the show, he examined Shock. She, or SCP-4799-1, as she was designated by the Foundation, looked at Katz with a certain level of distrust. She held her head down, and seemed to avoid eye contact. She put her hand over her mouth and coughed. Katz couldn't tell whether or not it was a signal.

The Judge finished swearing in the jury, and turned back to the audience. "The defendant has been charged with the crime of intruding upon the territory of the Yellow Court and bringing their anomalies there. The prosecuting attorney may now speak."

"Thanks, Judge," replied Bill, a noticeable slur in his voice. He walked over to the evidence table, containing several trinkets that looked advanced. Katz was never a technology person; he didn't know what they did.

"As you can clearly see by the evidence," Bill continued, "the dog— Shock, I mean— brought these things into our territory, a clear violation of the law. For example, this thing—" Bill picked up something that looked like a coin, "—can do this!" Bill pressed a button on the top of the coin, and it projected a three-dimensional, holographic image of a cube. Bill pressed the button again, demanifesting the cube. "I rest my case."

"Stop touching my fucking stuff," Katz heard Shock mutter under her breath.

"Thank you, thank you," said Bill, and he wobbled over back to his seat. Katz found himself somewhat annoyed at the obvious drunkenness.

The Judge turned to Katz and Shock. "The defending attorney may now speak."

"Thank you, your honor," said Katz, standing up. Before he spoke, he looked to the Judge, who seemed to be eagerly awaiting his response. Earlier, he'd been made to memorize a script, where he would essentially admit that he had no good defense and that Shock deserved to be in prison. However, he had a different plan.

"My defendant is innocent because she never brought any anomalies into Yellow Court territory," he stated.

This was met with some murmuring over the crowd and the jury. Bill looked at him with some suspicion, Shock looked at him with confusion, and even the Judge raised an eyebrow at him. Katz continued.

"As per the Judge of the Yellow Court's Code of Law, Chapter 5, Section 1.2, 'anomalies' are defined as 'any object, person, or phenomena that can be considered paranormal.' But 'paranormal' is defined relatively to a baseline 'normal' behavior. Chapter 2, Section 5.5 states that the Yellow Court is a multidemensional entity of law.

"Now, across the multiverse, there is no real baseline in 'normal' behavior. Some universes have completely different physical laws than the others. One man's toaster might be another man's futuristic bread heating device. These devices that my defendant brought in are perfectly normal things in other universes. Therefore, as my defendant did not break Chapter 3, Section 4.3, Policy A5, as the prosecuting attorney says, she is innocent."

This was met with a glare from the Judge. Katz held his hand over the button on his belt, ready to press it in response to the impending tirade. However, the Judge simply turned to Bill. Katz saw the drunken confusion fade away to drunken fear.

"Do you have any objections to that, Bill?" he asked.

Bill quickly snapped to attention. "Uh, objection! Obviously, there is a baseline, and this crosses it. If you gave this… stuff, to a civilian, what would they think of it?"

"Depends, a civilian from which universe?" Katz replied, "and there is no defined baseline in the Code of Law. Under your definition, many things could be considered 'anomalies.' Could we call fire an anomaly? Could we call this ship an anomaly? Could we even call the Judge himself an anomaly, by his own definition."

"Might I remind you, Lawyer Katz, of Chapter 1, Section 1," yelled the Judge in his booming voice, "the Judge's word is law, and all the words are of the Judge. These trinkets that the dog have brought into my territory are anomalies simply because I say they are anomalies!"

Katz turned to face the Judge, and had to suppress no small amount of instinctive fear from having the man tower over him. "Well, sir, how do we know, precisely, you are an anomaly?" Katz hovered his hand over the button on his belt, ready to press it.

The Judge still stared into Katz' soul, with fury in his eyes, begging to escape. "Are you implying that I'm an anomaly, you… you— you fucking ruined my court case! I swear to the fucking Paragon, I'll have you—"

The Judge was interrupted by Shock unpalming the laser device and firing it at him. She hit him in the eye, and he threw his hands over it and bellowed a raging roar that made the ground vibrate.

"YOU. FUCKING. TRAITORS!" he yelled.

This isn't going well, thought Katz, finally pressing the button on his belt.

Just before the Judge unleashed some kind of attack, the room gained a blue hue, and he uselessly waved his arms at Shock and Katz. They both instinctively ducked, but found themselves unharmed. The metal guards that lined the room fell to pieces. The Judge looked on in surprise.

"WHY CAN'T I FUCKING DESTROY YOU‽" the Judge yelled, his voice not so threatening anymore.

PROJECT PROPOSAL: Eisen-Simpson LEVEL 4/████ CLEARANCE REQUIRED GoI-344 ("The Judge's Yellow Court") has been designated a Beta-level threat as of ██/██/████. Therefore, it has become necessary to neutralize it. It is in the Foundation's means to effectively destroy GoI-344. The Foundation already has multiple cover agents regularly attending GoI-344's trial events. Senior Legal Consultant Sheldon Katz will be inserted into GoI-344's operations and memorize GoI-344's code of law. Consultant Katz will then use his position to place a Scranton Reality Anchor in the depths of GoI-344's base of operations and set it to operate at 0.3x production to mildly hinder PoI-1344's reality manipulation capabilities. Once Consultant Katz is able to become involved in a trial, he will purposely attempt to anger PoI-1344 in order to trigger a partial rage state . Once Katz has determined that PoI-1344 has reached a partial rage state, he will remotely trigger the Scranton Reality Anchor to begin operating at full capacity, effectively preventing PoI-1344 from preforming Type-Green Reality Bending. At this point, cover agents will terminate PoI-1344 with small arms fire. In addition, the FSF Delivery will be stationed outside of GoI-1344's mothership, with appropriate recontainment personnel in order to secure anomalous artifacts aboard the ship… and to escort all personnel involved, including Consultant Sheldon Katz, The spaceship will be later brought to Site-44 for scavenging and potential use in Project Caliber.

An explosion sounded throughout the room, presumably from the FSF Delivery destroying what was left of the fleet surrounding the ship. Katz stood up, and saw the three agents in the crowd in combat with the Judge, unloading their rifles on him. Without his reality-bending abilities, the Judge had resorted to throwing objects at his enemies. Which was still fatal; the remainder of the crowd had already panicked and fled.

Katz saw Shock getting out of the booth and running away. He began to follow her, but was interrupted by a strong hand grabbing the back of his suit. The Judge lifted him off the ground and pinned him in front of his body. Looking up, Katz could see the Judge's angry expression and lack of a right eyeball.

"NOBODY MOVES OR TRAITOR BOY HERE GETS IT!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, grasping the top of Katz' head with his other hand. The agents stopped firing and began to talk to eachother about what to do. If only I had my revolver… Katz thought. His revolver was currently locked in his briefcase, which he had dropped on the floor.

"HERE ARE MY DEMANDS!" the Judge bellowed, "FIRST, TURN OFF WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING TO THE SHIP. SECOND, I DEMAND THREE TRILLION—"

Shock fired a laser from around the corner, taking out some of Katz' hair and the Judge's remaining eyeball. He dropped Katz to the ground and screamed, covering his eyes with his hands. The agents continued their fire on the Judge. Explosions still sounded outside.

Katz scrambled over to his briefcase and took out his shiny .45 Colt Bentline revolver.

"Wait, is that a revolver?" Shock shouted over the chaos. "I think I can take him with it. Can you give me it?"

Katz considered his options. He could fire the revolver himself at the Judge, have a good chance at missing and only angering him, and only pester the man who was currently tanking hundreds of bullets. Or, he could give the revolver to Shock, and face the chance of betrayal. Considering his options, he handed the revolver to Shock.

Shock took her laser device, and put it inside the revolver. After some most likely irreversible changes to the revolver's core, she aimed it and fired a gleaming green bolt that took off the Judge's head. After that, his body fell to the ground.

Katz and Shock spent a good amount of time looking around in shock. Katz reached back and felt the damage that the Judge had done to his suit. He had made a large tear when he had picked him up. That might take a few weeks of stitching, Katz thought to himself. Luckily, he knew a suit guy.

The moment of peace was interrupted by the ship's crumbling. The Judge must have manifested it himself; the ship began to fade away. Katz remembered the open, empty vacuum of space that had surrounded the ship, and he wished that he could hold his breath longer.

"I— my ship's probably, probably still on here!" Shock yelled over the crumbling. "I think, we can't take everybody, but, well, as a sort of 'good faith' thing, I can—"

The ship suddenly demanifested, revealing that they were standing in a blue bubble in the middle of space. Everybody— Katz, Shock, the agents, and the remaining viewers— looked surprised. Katz turned around to see the FSF Delivery, with Senior Researcher Graham at the helm.

He spoke into a microphone. "Hey there, Katz!" he yelled, "O5-6 didn't really want me to reveal this tech yet, but it looks like I came at the right time!"