[A few weeks ago, Political Irony added a discussion forum (click the “Forum” button to the right). This post was originally submitted in the forum by Tidetracker.]

Since the health care reform issue has been so controversial, it is hoped that this FAQ (list of Frequently Asked Questions) will help clear things up for interested Americans:

Q. Is there a health care crisis in this country?

A. Of course not. As we have all been told, around 86% of us are satisfied with our current health care coverage. The remaining 14% are simply the slackers and whiners who have lost their health care coverage, or never had any. Some of them were formerly conservative Republicans who objected to health care reform, but have now lost their principles along with their insurance, and therefore deserve no consideration.

Q. Why does President Obama want to reform health care?

A. Because he is evil. He’s the devil’s spawn. He might be the devil himself. He’s a communist. He’s a socialist. He’s a Marxist. He’s a Fascist. He might be several of those, all at once. He’s probably rude to his mother-in-law, and secretly kicks his dog. He hates white people (we know this, because Glenn Beck told us he hates white people… and Glenn Beck would never lie to us). And, for those to whom it matters: have you noticed he’s black?

Q. Why do conservatives, Republicans, and even a few Democrats oppose health care reform?

A. Because of democracy. Republican senators and congressmen, as well as the “Blue Dog” Democrats, couldn’t continue to represent the interests of their constituents without huge contributions from insurance companies.

Q. Does Obama’s plan actually include death panels?

A. Of course. If he doesn’t pull the plug on Grandma, how else will he get what he needs to manufacture Soylent Green? Besides, he’s evil… didn’t you read the second question and answer?

Q. Why do the opponents of health care argue against the so-called “public option”?

A. Because it might become nearly as popular as Medicare, VA health care, Medicaid, and the government employee’s health care plan. And everyone knows that we can’t have socialized, government run, single payer health care in this country. It goes against everything we believe in as Americans.

Q. Shouldn’t everyone have access to affordable health care?

A. Of course not. America is a meritocracy and the only people who merit health care are those with money (or those with legacy admissions to Harvard and Yale).

Q. Will Obama’s plan pay for health care for illegal aliens?

A. Yes, it is possible that several hundred thousand illegal aliens might sneak through the prohibitions against paying for health care for illegal aliens. Because of the danger of that happening, it’s only logical that we should continue to deny health care to 20 million or more uninsured people. After all, what’s more important?

Besides, illegal aliens don’t deserve health care. They should continue to keep a low profile while picking lettuce or cutting the grass.

Q. How should we prevent illegal aliens from getting health care illegally?

A. Well, we certainly don’t want to impose any sort of national ID on Americans. That would be an invasion of privacy and an overreach by big government. It would be better to station patriotic Tea Party members at the entrances to emergency rooms. That way, they could stop any Mexican illegal-looking people from going inside. Of course, true Americans with swarthy complexions should always carry their birth certificate and government approved photo ID (such as a passport). You never know when someone will demand a full forensic examination of your identity, to screen out anyone who might have been born in Kenya.

Q. Why are health care costs rising at three times the rate of inflation?

A. Because it’s the best way to filter out those without merit. See the question on meritocracy, earlier.

Q. Isn’t health care in the best interests of the nation as a whole?

A. No. Health care is in the best interests of those who can either afford it or have jobs with health care benefits. So-called “universal coverage” is NOT in the best interests of those who have health insurance. After all, if we give health care to the slackers, whiners, and po’ folks, there will be less of it for true Americans, and health care rationing is a terrible thing.

This fits well with the conservative ethic, a grand political philosophy dating back over 100 years, first espoused during the Robber Baron era, when a wealthy industrialist said that “the welfare of the middle class depends on the light taxation and lax regulation of the wealthy”.

This philosophy has been refined and restated many times since those wonderful days of the Robber Baron era, most notably by Gordon Gekko (“Greed Is Good”), Pink Floyd (“I’m all right, Jack, keep your hands off of my stack”), and most recently, by the generally accepted and so wonderfully true sentiment, “I’ve got mine, so screw you”.