ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got fucking slammed first thing on Tuesday morning and then continued to play an exhausting game of catch-up each day until the long-awaited weekend,” said lead researcher Janet Hayes, adding that while the three days off may have felt incredible at first, getting through the ensuing week was nothing short of a goddamn brutal marathon. “According to our data, even just waking up that first morning after a relaxing weekend was near impossible. And then, you’ve twice the work to finish but way less time to do it? From a scientific standpoint, just having a five-day work week would have been better all around.” At press time, Hayes and her team had recommended that if the general population was still feeling drained after the upcoming weekend, they should definitely use a few of their sick days to recover.

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