As we approach Christmas, we remember in story and song the three wise men who visited the newly-born Jesus and brought him gifts of gold, frankincense, and the other one, acknowledging him as King of Kings.

One international organisation made a grotesque mockery of the festive tale this month by dispatching three brainless, finger-wagging harpies with wisdom of a gold coin wrapper to tell America how utterly reprehensible its commitment to freedom and liberty really is. The only gifts these disapproving scrooge-like schoolmarms bore were socialism, the promise of financial collapse and a lower standard of living for Americans.

If you’d happened upon the grim spectacle of fainting-couch feminist bores in scarves and problem glasses visiting Planned Parenthood clinics and bossing everyone about, bleating about how bad America is for women, you’d likely have figured they were gender studies professors from an Ivy League university. Or senior advisors to the Hillary Clinton campaign, perhaps. Your mistake would be understandable. As it happens, the women are from a global body more often invoked at Halloween than at Christmas: the United Nations.

The three unwise women hail from Costa Rica, Poland, and… the United Kingdom. I know, I know, I’m sorry. Essentially the third woman has come knocking to tell the US it is time to emulate the success of the UK, where boys are killing themselves at the same time colleges refuse to acknowledge the male suicide epidemic.

I know what you’re thinking! “Milo, you handsome, talented, loquacious, witty, successful and popular devil, the United Kingdom is your beloved homeland and a first-world nation!” Well. I’m sad to say the UK has bought into the UN’s garbage for years and has morphed into a place I barely recognise.

But all is not lost. As the headline above subtly indicates, the withering judgment of these harbingers of gloom — they were reportedly “appalled” by America’s lack of gender equality — is fantastic news. I should say, by the way, in reference to that headline, that I have no idea whether these women are rug-munchers for sure. Call it an informed guess, based on that Howard Stern look.

If the United Nations doesn’t approve of America, it isn’t too late. A healthy nation is one the UN scolds and holds in low regard — which basically just leaves America and Israel at this point. Remember, these are the masters of perspective and ethical deliberation who consider Saudi Arabia an appropriate country to join their Human Rights Panel. I wish I were joking.

The UN’s delegation visited Alabama, Texas, and Oregon. It’s no surprise they hated Alabama, which has enjoyed a renaissance, thanks to the automobile industry, and Texas, which I prefer to call “Real America.” But it should be telling to Americans that they were even unhappy in Oregon, called by some “The People’s Republic of Oregon” thanks to its reliably left-wing leanings.

Some of their findings won’t surprise you. They harp on about the gender wage gap, which has been thoroughly debunked by Christina Hoff Sommers and at this point is not widely believed by anyone outside of liberal politics and Marxist college student unions. They also aren’t happy with the treatment of female illegal aliens in detention centres. It is typical UN pretzel logic to say female illegal aliens should receive better care than America’s homeless veterans, but nothing we haven’t heard before.

They report being called “child murderers” when entering an abortion clinic by protesters exercising their right to free speech. Granted, the protestors shouldn’t have been so hasty. The UN retinue could merely have been entering the clinic to purchase dismembered baby parts skilfully removed intact by doctors who supposedly at one point took the Hippocratic oath to “do no harm.”

The UN fussbuckets point out they are obviously past child-birthing age, when they express surprise at being called child-killers. But I wonder if they’re missing the point? I reckon the protesters were commenting on the obvious chilling effect these women have on international birth rates by killing the male sex drive stone dead. Think of all those poor women in Alabama whose husbands came home last Tuesday and said: “Sorry love, I’ve got a headache.”

Gender warriors continue to hurt their case by coming across as sociopaths when they claim violence against women is somehow special and more serious than that against men. The fact is, violence against men is far more common, far more deadly and a far more economically urgent problem to address.

They are also in love with social welfare and maternity benefits, which have been a handy tool in bankrupting Europe. Millions of women in the US give birth and then make the decision whether they want to re-enter the workforce, work part-time, or stay at home. This shouldn’t be the government’s decision. Making it so will only further hurt an economy that continues the weakest recovery on record.

Inevitably, our merry band of professional grievance mongers referred to protests outside the abortion clinic they visited as “terrorism.” Aside from this gross debasement of the language, this is a glimpse into what the UN really thinks: free speech is intrinsically terrifying, and as we saw with their laughable and since retracted report on “cyber violence against women.”

The three horsewomen of the feminist apocalypse say they were mystified as to why women seem to like America. So let me spell it out for them. America is still the land of opportunity for women and men from all nations. Any Polish and Costa Rican woman would gladly come to America for a better life, and, although it pains me to say it, I suspect English women will not be far behind.

Because third-wave feminism believes that all gifts must flow from state coffers, it cannot appreciate why brave, hard-working female doctors, entrepreneurs and others might want to come to a place that will reward the value they contribute to the economy.

They’d rather America was like Sweden, where they say all the right things about feminism, even if uncontrolled immigration and lies about crime have made Malmö the rape capital of Europe, as hordes of Muslim migrants rape Swedish girls with impunity. Just as long as every child gets a free “MEN SUCK!” leaflet from the government.

I understand the Grand Grievance Tour continues, and these three stunning and brave specimens are now off to speak to Obama’s people about what a terrible place America is. (Obama no doubt agrees.) So for now we’ll have to warm ourselves with anticipation at the publication of their full report in June 2016 — just in time for liberal politicians to shove the dodgy stats, special pleading and professional victimhood down the necks of so-called “low-information voters.”

Anyway, as I say, well done America. If the UN hates you, you’re on the right track.