On the other hand—actually, never mind. If you intend to treat this condition you might want at least one hand free.

The below item appeared recently in a newspaper in the Rice Lake area of Wisconsin.

Prank call? Perhaps, but we've heard of some pretty weird 911 call subjects (peppers, lasagna, Jesus) in the past. We therefore invite you to join us in assuming this story to be absolutely 100 percent true and accurate.

What's missing, obviously, is any sense of what the dispatcher said back to this desperate woman. Was their first and second instinct to send an ambulance?

Was there no other suggestion of how to "solve his issue" without the use of emergency responders and the modern technology at their disposal? Is there something EMTs are doing the rest of us aren't?

If one wanted to see a demonstration, just in case of emergency, is there a particular phrase we should Google?

Does it involve the defibrilator? Can you rent those or do you have to buy?

This (again, factual) story was published two months ago, and you'll have to fill the intervening time between this breathless bow-legged man and his doting girlfriend with your imagination. Thoughts and prayers that he made it out of this Holiday Inn Express alive.

For the sake of his health and true romance, we prefer to picture a frantic young woman approaching an ambulance in a small town hotel parking lot and asking them to help her boyfriend. Specifically his balls.

Maybe you imagine she implored the medic to "come quickly!" and the EMT yelled back "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" We'd prefer to picture the EMT listening intently, giving one solemn nod, and saying into a walkie talkie: "Bring the stretcher. We've got another one."