The Internet is littered with how-to guides for surviving a zombie apocalypse by self-accredited zombie experts. You'll get tips on everything from shotgun maintenance to fortification repair to selecting a team of survivors who are all slower than you. But there's a lie underlying all these guides. The fallacy that we'll all be the survivors. But setting aside delusions of grandeur, zombie apocalypses are, by definition, really hard to survive. (Otherwise it's just one or two poor zombies milling about, while people take turns throwing things at them.) And if you take a long hard look at the Internet, you'll have to agree that in the event of a zombie outbreak, over 95 percent of Internet-users will be zombified before they can leave their padded chairs.

New and potential zombies are a demographic sorely underserved by today's Internet advice distributors. So, after consulting with the wildest-eyed experts we could find, Cracked has come up with the following guide for how to zombie to the best of your ability, and achieve full un-life self-realization.

Because finding or even reading this guide may pose difficult following the zombification process, we recommend you memorize all these steps now, before disaster strikes. Alternately, keep a copy close at hand, and should you suffer an infectious bite, staple a copy of this to your chest for ease of reference in your new undead state.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement