This is going to be a very personal article. I’m usually very divided about sharing this kind of thing in public or not, but since my article on gender bias became so popular, the cat is already out of the box, so no point in hiding it anyway.

I don’t talk about being transgender everyday. That consumes a lot of energy for me. First of all, and I’ve said that before, I don’t like being transgender. It is such a burden to carry. I see myself as a woman, not a trans woman… having the trans adjective to qualify the word woman makes me feel like a second class woman, which is not something I want to be.

Because it is so hurtful, every time I do decide to talk about transgender issues is when I think it is for the best of the people out there struggling to figure themselves out. One of the biggest reasons I’ve delayed my transition so much was because I didn’t have any references to look forward. It is really hard to take a path when you don’t know the chances you are going to succeed.

But I did it anyway… because it was the right thing to do. Now the least that I can do is becoming one reference for the people that needs one. And hence we come to this point in time… I’m writing this article in my hotel room at the Chon Inter Hotel, in Chonburi, Thailand. (And finished writing it at Samitivej Chonburi Hospital).

For the overall population that probably doesn’t ring a bell, but for people like me that has an entire different meaning. This is the day I’ve been waiting for the past 20 years.

But before getting into that, let me tell you how did I get here in the first place.

An Origin Story

I was born in a man’s body, but it didn’t feel right. My earliest memory of things being off is from when I was about 4 years old. I’ve had a very troublesome childhood, so I kind of buried that feeling deep down in order to protect myself.

Those feelings would eventually surface, until I would bury them again, and repeat. That vicious cycle would last for the best of my childhood, teenage and early adulthood years.

It was still during my childhood that I’ve discovered the existence of the “sex change surgery”, commonly known as sex reassignment surgery (SRS) or more recently, gender reassignment surgery (GRS).

(I don’t want to dwell on the details whether one name is better than other, as it hardly contributes anything to the discussion. I’m using SRS through the rest of this article as this is the name I got to know it first.)

The trigger for that was when one of the most famous Brazilian transgender model, Roberta Close, became huge news in the early 90’s after posing for an adult magazine completely naked. Suddenly everyone was talking about it as it was the first time in Brazil that a transgender woman got such an exposure. The headlines where not so flattering though: “The prettiest Brazilian woman is a man” — they said.

“The myth and mystery of Roberta Close” the magazine cover says.

Even with the harsh comments from the media and backlash from my own family in regards to Roberta, I could only think about one single thing: “Oh my god, it is possible!”

A few years later, in 1999, I’ve finally got internet access at my home and one of the very first things I’ve decided to look for was “sex change surgery”. The other stuff on my bucket list were how to create video games, which eventually led me to become a software engineer, and Japanese anime/manga, but although those are fun stories to talk about, let’s save for another day.

A few years later I’ve discovered the work of Dr. Suporn, one of the biggest specialists in SRS in the world (if not THE one). That information came together with two major problems: Dr. Suporn operates only in Thailand, the other side of the world for me, who lived in Brazil by them, and secondly, the cost, which was waaaay out of my league.

I was also struggling figuring out what was happening inside my head. I felt attracted to women, but I also felt like a woman. I have had a very conservative education, and everything deemed gay was wrong… Oh hell, I was even afraid of cleaning my own bottom because I thought that touching my anus was a dirty/forbidden thing… Where did that came from?

Anyway, that was a sign of how repressed I was. It was only with a lot of research that I’ve finally started to figure out myself.

During my adult years I slowly took steps forward to move up with my transition. I knew that I needed a lot of money, so I’ve prioritised my career first. Not only that, I was preparing myself psychologically to face an entire society that was against me.

My personal motto was “be so good that people can’t ignore you” (it was only this year that I’ve discovered there is a book with the same name). I thought that if I had a good enough reputation people would overlook anything deemed “eccentric” on my end.

I can say it worked out as planned, but it was not completely without pain. I’ve had my set of challenges, and slowly overcame one by one.

I’ve came out to my family in 2012, but it was only in 2014 that I’ve transitioned publicly. I’ve had done two surgeries by then: a hair transplant to fix my receding hairline and the Facial Feminisation Surgery (FFS). I have a very masculine face and without the FFS I would never be able to live in a society so full of prejudice like the Brazilian one, as it would allow me to become somewhat “stealth”.

In 2016 I’ve did another step, with a breast augmentation surgery. I have a strong/muscular build and even with the hormone therapy most of it was not going away… I felt that by having the breast augmentation I would be able to compensate that by giving me a more feminine shape. It worked, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.

By 2017 I’ve had to reboot my career as a software engineer. In 2016 I’ve lost my job as a sales consultant and decided that sales was not my thing anymore. Too much pressure and I needed to have a more stable life. Going back to software development seemed to be a natural choice as it was where everything started.

It took me a couple of years, but I’ve finally was able to clear the gap from the years I was out of the development market and became confident as a software engineer. At the same time I’ve discovered the community work I’ve become so passionate about.

Particularly the Go and Python communities embraced me very well. Both of them have a very special place in my heart, and no matter how much I try to give back, I always feel in debt.

Last year I was the opening keynote of Python Brazil, giving a talk to about 600 people. This year I have been travelling the world giving talks at Go conferences, from New York City to London and Minsk. It is very fulfilling as a professional to be able to talk to too many people in so many different places. I feel very blessed.

This year has been particularly good for my personal life as well, as I’ve finally realised the dream of emigrating from Brazil. The company that embraced me was GoCardless, a fintech in London. I’m very thankful for their support in my journey. It was actually because of them that I was finally able to come here.

The view from my hotel room at Chon Inter Hotel.

A Dream Reborn

Like I said in the beginning, the surgery was out of reach to me because of financial issues. My paycheck in Brazil at the top of my game was in the range of 30–35k USD per year before taxes, but on average it was way below that.

I’m estimating that my costs for surgery, travel and everything will be about 24–25k USD, which means it would take me forever to save that amount of money with my Brazilian salary.

The Brazilian healthcare system offers the surgery for free, but not only the waiting lines are long, but also the quality of the service is very questionable. I’ve ruled out that option very early in the process.

With no money and no free alternative, I kind of gave up on the dream of having it. I’ve tried my best to accept my body as it was, but it was very hard.

I’ve did a TEDx talk last year about how much energy we spend in hiding, and how good it is to let it go based on my experiences coming out, but I wasn’t letting everything go. That shame of my body was holding me back.

I was never fully able to enjoy a beach, or a pool party, or enrol in swimming classes. I was ashamed of the possibility of people seeing the extra volume on my “parts” and judging me, so I’ve avoided those places almost entirely. Always afraid of being judged because of my body.

It was only when I’ve got the job offer to move to London that things had changed. I was finally earning a dignifying salary that allowed me to live instead of surviving. I was doing everything I wanted to do and still saving money.

Also in the UK they have a public health service, which I think is years ahead in comparison to the Brazilian one. They also offered this surgery for free, so I started thinking about it again.

I did a few appointments with my GP to discuss the case, and got a referral. But the things that happened later were quite demotivating. It seems that the NHS is very good for overall health needs, but it is still many steps behind on transgender care. They simply don’t know what to do with us, and the waiting lines are too long.

Everything seemed to be back to square zero, until I’ve decided to recover my research from 19 years ago. And then I came back to see how long was the line for Dr. Suporn surgery.

The first thing that I’ve read about it was that he had decided to retire… in 2018!!! Oh, my god! I completely freaked out!

It took me a few clicks and searching to find out that he later postponed his retirement to early 2020. I felt a mixture of relief and anxiety. “It’s now or never” — I thought.

First things first: had a look at my bank statement… looks good, but not exactly enough. I’ve had to crunch a few numbers and make some clever financial math… eventually I’ve figured out it was doable… well, kind of… we’ll see!

Second, I had just arrived at GoCardless… 4 months in, barely was able to show my work. Would they help me with this? I’ve explained the urgency to my manager and people partner. Both, without a second though, agreed that I should not lose this chance. I was so happy with their response and support!

They’ve never raised any concern about the work, but they did make sure I was doing everything in a way that wouldn’t make any harm to my visa and future settlement possibilities. That extra mile was really thoughtful. What can I say, it is an amazing place!

Next challenge to solve was my surgery date. I saw one opening in November and it looked perfect. But, if you paid enough attention to the date I’m writing this you will notice that that one didn’t work out.

But another date had appeared: September 6th. Oh my god! It is even closer.

In the space of less than a couple of weeks the possibility of never doing the surgery became do the surgery in less than a couple of months. What a change!

There were also no questions asked at GC on moving the date earlier. Again full support. Can’t say thank you enough.

A Ticket to Thailand

In the beginning of the year, on my yearly review, I’ve wrote about how one of my dreams was to visit Asia. I like to set crazy objectives on the beginning of the year, and since I’ve managed recently to realise many of them, each year I get bolder and bolder. Still, Asia… I honestly doubted it could happen so soon. Little did I know that 8 months later I would be here.

My experience travelling prior to 2019 was mostly restricted to places where I understand the language. My first international trip was to Caracas in Venezuela on 2011. Portuguese is my native language, but Spanish is pretty close, so I could handle myself pretty well. Later, in 2013 and 2014, I’ve did a few business trips to Buenos Ayres and Cordoba in Argentina. Also Spanish, no biggie.

It was only in 2017 that I did my first trip to an English speaking country, the US. I was there for Gophercon Denver and I was very impressed. I did use English my whole life for one reason or another, so it was not much of a shock. I was a bit rusty, specially in regards to speaking and listening, but I could communicate just fine. Then came London and a few other trips to San Francisco, which made me more comfortable with the language.

It was only earlier this year that I’ve had an experience in a country were I not only didn’t speak the language, but also couldn’t read any word (to try learning by association). It was when I attended/spoken at GoWayFest in Minsk, Belarus.

Sight from Sukhumvit Road, Chonburi, Thailand. The Thai people seem to be very religious. I’ve found several of those images along Sukhumvit Road, while exploring the area.

That was way out of my comfort zone, but I’ve managed just fine with the support of the conference organisers. Moreover, when it came to Thailand I knew I would face similar issues. The language here is completely different from everything that I’ve seen or heard before. I didn’t have time to prepare so I had to trust everything on the hands of the Suporn clinic staff.

The clinic staff, by the way, is nothing short of amazing. From the moment I’ve landed to the time I’m writing this article I’ve never felt unsupported. That’s particularly important for me as I’m doing this alone.

It is usually good to have someone accompany you during the recovery period, as it can be quite harsh. In my case I’ve had no option but to come alone, for several reasons… which I’ve heard it is not uncommon, it’s actually the majority of the cases.

I think that’s why they are so focused into the details. I’ve got very through orientation since before travelling. Here they were even more detailed, to the point I’ve felt many times overwhelmed with the amount of information.

I’m also never left alone when important stuff must be done. The transfer from airport to the hotel, hotel check in, pre-op exams, the appointments with the doctors… there was always someone there to help me out, taking me to places, translating stuff… I’ve really never seem anything like that before.

Umareru Seibetsu wo Machigaeta! (I was born in the wrong sex) is a manga by Mafuyu Konichi that describes the whole experience in a way that is very faithful to the real thing, up to the minor details like the hotel lobby and the clinic reception.

I don’t want to bore you with the details of everything that I did here so far, because someone did that in a much funnier way than I could possibly do. One of the former patients, Mafuyu Konichi, is a manga artist and she made a manga of the whole experience, which you can find a translation here.

I found it very surprising on how the manga reflects the reality. The drawings are very very precise in terms of the events and locations. I don’t know how long ago she went through it, but it doesn’t seem that Dr. Suporn has changed it’s routine at all.

He is very straightforward. My appointment with him lasted about 10, 15 minutes top. He first asked to examine me, which was very quick. Then he did a presentation explaining about how his method differs from everyone else’s. And finally, many pictures of previous patients alongside several pictures of natal women. It was really hard to tell them apart.

If I wasn’t convinced by then that would nail it, but I’ve decided this so long ago that the presentation part was unnecessary. I did enjoy he doing it tough. It was simple and direct to the point, like any good presentation should be. It was not supposed to be entertaining, but to pass the information as clear as possible, and for that it did an excellent job.

My only regret is that my appointment with him was on the day I’ve arrived, and I was heavily jet lagged. I’ve took a direct flight from LHR to BKK, but the time zone difference is 6 hours, which completely messed me up.

The next day I went to the hospital for my pre-op exams, and that was when the hammer hit the nail. My blood pressure was over the roof. No, I’m not that way normally… it was the anxiety of turning this page of the book of my life. The transition is coming to an end!

The hospital reception.

The Samitivej Hospital

Chonburi, where the clinic is located, reminds me a lot of some Brazilian coastal cities, specially in the south. It has the same social and infrastructural issues as those. People here seem to live in a contrast of a very simple life and the amenities of modern life.

Even the vegetation and skyline looks the same. If it were not by the hints of a different language, and the sights of a huge Buda in the mountains far away, it would be hard to know that I was in a different country.

It’s a great hospital, but I guess hospital food looks the same everywhere. It tasted better than expected though! :)

The Samitivej Hospital where the surgery is going to be performed is very modern and inside it looks a lot like a complete different world. I could say the same about the Suporn Clinic, by the way, as it is a very beautiful place even though the streets around it are a bit beaten down.

The staff is very friendly and they seem to smile a lot. I really like this side of the Thai people. Makes me want to be able to speak in their own language, but I’m far away from that… so far I’ve only learned to say “sawadika” which is basically “hello”. When you meet someone is usually polite to say “sawadika” and perform the “wai”. I’ll let you Google that for details.

Countdown to Womanhood

I was admitted earlier today and spent most of my day reading, writing this article and taking blood pressure measurements. My first measurement in the room was also my personal record 170/100 mmHg… My regular BP is around 110–120/70–80, so it was way higher than usual.

I think it says a lot about my state of mind. When I was in the elevator coming to my room all I wanted was to cry. Of happiness, of course. But also some major part of me is very anxious and scared. Of the pain. Of the recovery. Of the feelings afterwards.

I’ve lived with this burden my whole life… I literally don’t know how to live without it. Think about “Stockholm Syndrome”, but with body parts and gender instead. The future reserves for me all kinds of uncertainty, and my animal brain usually don’t like that. So I’m living in a mix of happiness and anxiety that only gets accentuated as the time passes. It was already there when I’ve committed to the date, and after I’ve arrived it has been growing exponentially.

That reminds me of a Will Smith’s quote that says something like “God places the best of life on the other side of fear”. I couldn’t describe this any better, so I’m just borrowing his phrase. I know that after this a whole new life will be open for me, the one that I’ve always dreamed.

During the day I’ve started to calm down and my BP finally stabilised on my regular 120/80. That’s it, I’ve dreamed with this for the best part of my life, now it’s time to get over with it.

In about 14 hours I’ll get into the OR and then the rest will be history. They will put me to sleep and I’ll wake up with the bits and pieces in the right places. I can’t wait to see what is to be like a regular person.

I also can’t wrap this up without mentioning all the support I’m having from the other girls that are here experiencing the same thing. The sisterhood is a beautiful thing… we are sharing information, comforting each other, creating true friendships… it really helps a lot knowing that I’m not alone in this, and that even with all the dark places we must go, there will always be a bright future.

In some sense I feel spoiled. This year, 2019, has been out of this world for me… I’ve emigrated to an amazing country, got and awesome job and I’m closing the most painful chapter of my life. I can’t even guess what life reserves for me in the future… suffice to say that I’m finally living, instead of surviving. Tomorrow, I’ll be born again.