Hey, Everyone Involved in This Syria Shit Show

You’re terrible

Free Syrian Army — Saw you dudes on the front page of The New York Times last week lining up a bunch of shirtless, whip-marked prisoners for execution. Nice! Bet they were shitheads. Seemed a liiiiiittle sketch though. Had me thinking: You’re not gonna, like, massacre everyone in Damascus once you take it over, right? You’re going to have elections when this is over? Set up some public schools, run for county treasurer?

Because I’m starting to think the leftover weapons we gave you won’t be melted down to build swing sets.

Al Qaeda & Friends — Hi! You’re banning croissants and shit. That’s just trolling.

Y’all just rush your woman-hating asses into every shitstorm to make it worse, don’t you? Places liberated from Assad are supposed to be rolling out Jeffersonian Democracy and here you are setting up Sharia courts and chopping off hands for purse snatching. You get the memo on “international norms”? Because your 12th century assholery makes gassing people look futuristic.

John Kerry — A young man once asked, “How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?” He was you! So maybe stop asking people to die for yet another war that is bound to be a mistake. Oh, it’s not going to be a big deal, you say, just a couple of explosions here and there. No boots touching no ground. You know which conflict started out like that? THE VIETNAM ONE. Now you’re dragging your droopy face around, casting anyone who opposes this garbage idea as some pro-Iran Jew hater and comparing Assad to Hitler. You think you’re in the comments section of the internet, bro? Because this is not how you make arguments.

Oh, and look, there’s a photo from 2009 of you dining with the New Hitler. Yeah, have a seat, Donald Rumsfeld.

Barack Obama — Remember when you said “red line” out loud a year ago? Fortunately, is wasn’t a magic incantation that compels us to go to war. You can actually just not do this. You see Micronesia eager to bomb Syria? You see Chile ready to launch missiles on a country its citizens know nothing about? Okay, the main reason for that is they don’t spend a fuktrillion dollars a year on their military. But the other, closely related cousin of that reason, is they don’t see themselves as the Judge Dredd of Earth with a need to pepper the entire planet with military bases.

We’ve invaded, bombed, and/or occupied dozens of countries in just the last few decades all in the name of increasing our “national security interests.” Haiti, The Philippines, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan; none of them really turned out super great. America’s done enough wonders for the world, buddy. Let’s sit this one out.

John McCain — What is with you. Why are you on TV so much. Why do you want to invade ten more countries. Last year you said the military would fall apart if we allowed gay people to serve.Today you want them to level Syria.

You’re considered some moral authority because you were a prisoner of war, but for a while now I’ve been sort of feeling like the exact opposite is true. Like maybe when it comes to the delicate issue of dropping explosives on people’s bodies from the sky, we should do the opposite of whatever you’re grunting about.

Republicans — You really hate this black president so much you’re going to thwart him from killing brown people in the Middle Fucking East. Have to say: I’m floored. Probably was a real crisis of concience for you. You’re typically on the ball about people dying as a result of your decisions, be it aerial bombardment, denying them health care, or just the small systemic measures put in place to crush poor people into dust.

Republicans who eagerly support the president: I know that was difficult for you, but sometimes you gotta reach across that aisle to kill folk.

Democrats — Finally! An opportunity to rein in the executive, end a decade of idiotic warmongering, and focus on jobs, jobs, jobs. Was fun while it lasted but we can’t kee—Oh wait. You’re not doing that, are you?

If George W. Bush wanted to do this crap you’d have already drown me in Operation: Non-Stop Fundraising Emails. Think you can muster up the courage to rebuke your man? I doubt it. You’re that useless; a bunch of noodly-spined flip floppers from waffle town. Can’t even believe you made me type that sentence.

Bashar Al-Assad — Are you seriously Instagramming right now?Chomp on a cyanide capsule, player. You’re through. Gassing kids like that. Holy shit that was evil. Not that bullets are all that more humane or anything, but Christ, be overthrown in a civil war like a man. I’d say I hope Al Qeada chops your face off in their stupid Sharia court but then I’m actually in favor of the rule of law, which seems to be the main problem for everyone in this goddamned conflict.

United Nations — Weren’t you created to stop this shit? Or was the United Nations specifically set up to be the most efficient way for Russia to protect its demonic pet?

I guess it’s not really your fault. You’re made up of the nations of earth, which are made up of the people of earth. And as all this shows, we are simply terrible at being decent.

Syrian Refugees — You’re not terrible.You’re the victims of all these assholes listed above. All that money we want to spend raining down Tomahawk missiles could be put to better use helping you with the “strategic interest” of feeding yourself. Maybe they’ll get to you after the more important chest-beating-and-intractable-quagmire portion of this war.

I hope so. I hear their credibility is on the line.