THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless, do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain.

The Queen said: “Bloody Andrew could do better, and the only thoughts in his head are helicopters, golf and tits.

“Jesus, I mean Charles chats to potatoes and married his horse but he’s not stupid enough to think he’d win a popularity contest. Neither am I. That’s why I don’t hold them.

“I wouldn’t trust you to beat Edward in a game of It’s A Royal fucking Knockout. That’s how useless you are. That’s actually past your level.”

The Queen added: “Off you fuck.”