If your birthday is this week: Your donut that you buy at Dunkin Donuts has two holes instead of just one! Happy Birthday!

Aries: Your latest iPad app tells you that you waste too much time on Angry Birds and deletes it.

Taurus: Your Quesadilla will contain chalk, mainly because your short order cook at Friday’s was also your History teacher in high school.

Gemini: Your trip to Costco will end after you purchase an oil drum full of mayo.

Lemini : Your 6th level Dwarf cleric will be killed by an Orc.

Cancer: The stars say, you can stop checking the Internet. It’s unlikely that Scarlett Johansson’s pictures have been hacked again.

Leo: You will let go what you think is a silent fart in church. Fortunately, it’s silent. Unfortunately, it’s not a fart.

Virgo: You will find a mouse in your beer. He’ll remove a tiny scuba mask from his face and squeak, “You’re clear to drink.”

Libra: You will get a phone call from Sarah Palin asking you to take her survey. You’ll agree, but halfway through, she’ll decide to quit.

Scorpio: You’ll decide that it’s too early to unbox the Christmas dildos when you haven’t even used the Halloween ones yet.

Sagittarius: You will meet the monster that used to live under your bed when you were a kid. You’ll catch up at Starbucks and share a Frappaccino.

Capricorn: You will go to load your gun, but find that the box is full of unpopped popcorn kernels. If you turned on your microwave shortly before that, run.

Aquarius: You will catch your roommate attempting to smoke your bong with his ass. Guess you owe your dealer an apology about that “ass weed” comment.

Pisces: Your new Batman video game is taking up a lot of your time. You should make time to empty that adult diaper before you reach 50% completion.