The Last Jedi was a crime against humanity, unprecedented in human history. If the bubonic plague was a movie, it would be called The Last Jedi. The crimes of Hitler pale by comparison to the atrocities committed Rian Johnson. The movie was an evil, dastardly betrayal of all that is beloved and holy about Star Wars.

I know this, because everyone I knew said it. My friends and I attended at least a dozen screenings of The Last Jedi, and every time we dropped $12 at the ticket window to see it again, we felt angry. After the 15th viewing, I actually asked for a ticket refund.

We also wrote plenty of raging reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. We made the Last Jedi the worst reviewed movie in history, while also helping it become among the top ten grossing films of all time. Yes, we hated it, and we kept buying tickets to it, for reasons we are too angry to articulate.

The Rise of Skywalker will be worse than The Last Jedi. The new movie will be the cinematic equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition. Our grandchildren will talk about where they were when they were exposed to this abomination. Memorials will be built to remember the victims who stood in line to buy tickets to this catastrophe. The release of the film probably signifies the beginning of the Apocalypse as foretold in the Bible. And over time, I look forward to understanding why.

I know this. I have written this in hundreds of online posts. My friends have joined me in warning about the oncoming holocaust on any movie review site that allows reviews of films the reviewer hasn’t yet seen. No tragedy in world history has ever been anticipated with so much dread and frothing rage.

Why, you may ask, will The Rise of Skywalker be a horror beyond anything ever experienced? Well, I have to see it a few times first. Maybe it’s Luke coming back from the dead. Maybe it is the CGI Leia. Maybe Rey and Kylo are really brother and sister, or maybe they fall in love. Maybe it’s the Emperor returning. Maybe Chewbacca gets rabies.

Rest assured that The Rise of Skywalker is now the worst reviewed movie in human history. Stay tuned, after I see it a few dozen times, for me to explain why.

By Fred Gailey

Share

Tweet

