Oh, I didn’t see you there—I was too busy watching sports and shotgunning beers. I’m a pretty typical tomboy. Also, I’m pretty. It’s confusing, I know. People are always, like, “Were you created in a lab?” And I’m always, like, “I’m not at liberty to discuss that.”

Kidding! I love humor. Nothing is funnier to me than a boy fart or saying “pussy” for no reason. And, yes, you can swear around me. I’m used to it because I grew up with a bunch of brothers. It was so many brothers but also a normal number. Like, seventeen? Does that sound right?

I’ve always been a guy’s girl. I love meats and video games and how gasoline smells and tires taste. You know—just dude stuff. I’ve never been into girly things like makeup or being culturally conditioned to hate my body. What even is “bronzer” or “eyelashes”? I don’t understand why girls take so long to get ready. I put my human flesh on one leg at a time, just like one of the guys.

Girls are always so jealous and sensitive about everything. I don’t get that. I literally feel nothing except interest in whatever you like. I don’t think I’d get along with girls if I ever met one in real life.

Boys are just easier to hang out with. I guess that’s what makes me a guy’s girl. Specifically, the girl of some guys who created me during a thunderstorm. They glued two basketballs to a flagpole, waited for lightning to strike, and here I am.

Joking! Oh, my God, you should have seen your face. You were like that guy from that movie you’re so good at quoting. You remind me of Ryan Gosling, but I’d actually have sex with you.

Was that too forward? I don’t want to come on too strong. But you know what they say: “Don’t be a fucking tease like Lisa.” That’s the saying, right? I love sayings. Is now when I show you my basketball boobs? I mean, do you want to play basketball? Ha ha, I’m such a guy! Except I’m a girl!

Other girls are, like, “Why are we being pitted against one another for the gratification of the male gaze?” But I’m, like, “Because when we’re against each other, our boobies touch and it’s cool, duh.” Speaking of cool, a cool thing about me is that my butt is just for decoration and that’s all.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been more into guy stuff than girl stuff. My memory only spans the length of a day and restarts every morning because I’m just chill like that.

I’m so good at chilling with the guys that Flip Cup is my middle name, which is funny because I don’t even have a last name. Do girls have last names?

I thought I met a girl once, but she was just a maple-syrup bottle. We sat across from one another in the kitchen and quietly kept each other company. Neither of us spoke because there were no boys in the room for us to fight over. I thought about bringing her to life in a lightning storm so that I’d have someone to listen to me. But that’d be selfish—I wasn’t brought here to think only of myself. I was brought here to think only of myself in relation to men.

Plus, I didn’t have any basketballs to glue to her.