Defective Bible Omits Any Mention Of America

MARSHALL, TX—After receiving a new leather NIV Study Bible for Christmas, local man Christopher Neil was excited to crack it open Tuesday morning and check out all the helpful resources included to assist him in his Bible study.

But Neil was perplexed to discover the Bible didn’t mention America a single time.

The atlas section at the back of the Sciptures did not include a map of the United States. The man carefully looked through all sixteen printed maps, including depictions of Israel in various time periods, the entire ancient Near East, and the Mediterranean Sea, but couldn’t find a single map of the United States.

“I assume there was an error at the printers,” Neil said as he filled out a complaint form on Zondervan’s website to try to get the Bible exchanged for one that included America in its appendices and references. “These kinds of things happen sometimes. I even ordered a commentary on the book of Revelation once that didn’t reference the United States at all. What gives?”

Neil’s issues with the printing of the Bible didn’t stop with just the glaring omission of the map of the United States. The Bible included weights and measurements from the ancient world, but not a single mention of U.S. dollars, and the translators failed to replace the word “Israel” with “United States” or “America” throughout the biblical text.

“They didn’t even include the obvious interpretation of the promises of God as being for America in the footnotes,” the clearly disheartened man told reporters. “That’s a bare minimum, as far as I’m concerned.”

Neil flipped through all the gospels and couldn’t even find a single time that Jesus voted for a Republican or promised to bless America, according to sources.

“Get your act together, publishers,” he said.

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