Safewords and Safesigns 101

Safewords and safesigns are verbal or non-verbal signals that are used to communicate with partners during any kind of sexy fun time that the activity needs stop, may be too intense or that a check-in is needed. Safewords are not just for submissives or bottoms; dominants and tops need safewords too.

Play spaces can be loud, so putting a safesign in place gives you more options for communicating with the people you play with. Nonverbal signs are an imperative if someone in the scene is to be gagged or if someone in the scene is hearing impaired.

(Aside: My spouse and I have a safesign for everyday life. It’s how I let them know that it’s time to leave unending family gatherings or that I don’t feel safe in a given situation. One long, firm hand squeeze means “I’m okay." Two quick hands squeezes mean "Time to go.” We use a similar signal for play.)

Below is my favorite set up for safewords and safesigns. I’m a fan of the stoplight system. YMMV*!

Verbal Safewords

Safeword 1: Red - All activity is to stop immediately.

Safeword 2: Yellow - A check-in or adjustment is needed.



Non-verbal Check-ins

Non-verbal check-in: Two squeezes - Are you with me?

Response 1: One squeeze - A more direct check-in is needed.

Response 2: Two squeezes - Active consent to continue the scene.

“Drop Out”

If you or your partner do not have the dexterity or are not in a position to squeeze you can give the bottom something to hold. When the bottom drops the item, it is time for a direct check-in. Keys, stress balls and even bandanas can make good “drop out” items.

Notes

Negotiate safewords/signs in advance. Make sure the signals are something everyone will understand. (“Harder” is not a good safeword ;o)

Make sure the signals are something everyone will understand. (“Harder” is not a good safeword ;o) Always honor the safeword/safesign agreement. Once the safeword/sign is used, consent is revoked; to continue is assault.

Once the safeword/sign is used, consent is revoked; to continue is assault. Don’t joke about safewords. Don’t joke that you won’t honor them, don’t jokingly use them in a scene and don’t shame a bottom out of using them.

Don’t joke that you won’t honor them, don’t jokingly use them in a scene and don’t shame a bottom out of using them. Check-in. Check-ins don’t have to break the mood; stay connected with your partner’s emotional and physical state. “Are you with me?”

Check-ins don’t have to break the mood; stay connected with your partner’s emotional and physical state. “Are you with me?” Use your safewords/signs. Using your safeword does not make you less of a bottom; it makes you a trustworthy bottom with good judgment.

If you are at a public event or play space “Safeword” can be used to signal that outside assistance is needed. It communicates to others that you have attempted to communicate a safeword/safesign to your partner and it is not being honored.

It’s Safety Sunday: Be safe! Have fun!

*YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary