We here at TTAG are concerned that economically disadvantaged, legally challenged shooters are misrepresenting the marksmanship skills possessed by the majority of the firearms community. Every single day we hear about gun battles where criminals fail to hit their target, even at close range. Obviously, bad strategy, improper weapon and ammunition choices and poor training are to blame. To help correct these deficiencies, TTAG offers these helpful hints for gun slingers wielding weapons beyond the letter of the law. Let’s start with weapons choice . . .

1. Use the biggest gun you can find

Rifles are easier to get than crabs, but you can no more conceal a rifle than you can hide a hard-on from Rhianna. So get a handgun. A BIG handgun. ‘Cause that’s some scary ass shit. And the bigger the gun, the bigger the bullet (larger bullets are more stable in flight than small ones).

Also, handguns are like fine wine; they get more accurate once they’re fully broken in (as long as you don’t pamper them too much). A really big, really old gun is the perfect combo. Just make sure you don’t hold the gun too tightly; recoil can really hurt and, more importantly, mess up your aim. Alternatively . . .

2. Use the smallest gun you can find

The element of surprise always favors the guy with the small gun. (If nothing else, they’re harder to see in the dark.) The bullets from a small gun f you up just as bad as the bullets fired from a bigger gun, which are usually the same bullets anyway. So why not keep it on the down-low?

Remember: small guns don’t do jack unless you pull the trigger really hard and really fast and you’ve got a really hot load (a lot of powder and a large caliber bullet). A snub-nosed 38 (named after the year it was invented) firing .357’s is the ideal set-up. It may take a little extra effort to get big bullets into a small gun, but it’s worth it!

3. Double up!

If you shoot two guns—one in each hand—you double the chances of hitting your target. While it might be cool to have two of the same guns like some Old West gunfighter, you’re much better off with two different types of guns: a revolver in one hand and a semi in the other. Revolvers never fail and semis never need reloading.

Don’t forget that different bullets do different things: small bullets go really fast and big bullets make huge holes. Get two different caliber bullets and fire both at the same time. Safe!

4. Cant the gun

Turn the gun sideways. Sure, you can’t use the sights when the gun’s tilted, but most combat shooters don’t use sights anyway (they call it “instinctive shooting” or “point shooting”). Besides, using the sights screws up your eye line. You want to be able to stare your victim in the eyes before you shoot them. Sometimes they literally freeze with fear, making them an easy target.

5. Don’t practice

Training ranges are monitored by the ATF, FBI, DEA and CNBC using real-time video links to local and state police. Even worse: the signal’s processed by computers with advanced facial recognition software. If you practice at a gun range even once, the prosecution can use it as proof of premeditation.

Why bother practicing anyway? Shooting a gun is ridiculously easy. If a stupid redneck can kill a deer with a rifle, you can take out a rival gang banger with a handgun, no sweat.

I’m sure TTAG’s Armed Intelligentsia have other handy tips for gunfighters whose selfless pursuit of income redistribution means they need to keep it real on the street. I’ll leave you with one bonus tip: most guns kick upwards when you fire them. If you want to hit what you’re aiming it, push the gun’s nose down as you shoot. You can thank me later.