A bishop that can only move on dark squares. That’s the rule of chess about the Dark square bishop. But sometimes unknowingly we or our loved ones follow the same rule. Ragini’s (name changed) husband compliments “you were looking stunning tonight”. Ragini’s response ” That was the new saaree you bought me on the other hand, my skin looked so dry and awful”. Well, sometimes we can’t take compliments as they are told, we twist them to fit our pattern. We call this filter “disqualifying the positive”. You give a compliment and that doesn’t fit in the fixed mindset, they think like the dark squared bishop. They can’t see the white. This is an extreme form of all or nothing. We wipe out all positive evidence about our performance, and only attend to negative. This filter produces automatic thought that reinforces the negative feeling and explains away positive ones. If you ever tried to talk out someone from bad mood you have experienced this filter from outside. Negative evidence, no matter how weak or irrelevant counts.”you say it was a great presentation? Please, Boss checked his mobile twice” Positive evidence, no matter how strong or persuasive will be explained away. “Boss complimented so that I feel motivated and work better next time”. The logic they follow is “things are bad, so why not make them worse?” Next time when someone compliments you take them gracefully, don’t be a dark squared bishop.

Reference : Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond by Judith S. Beck

Author: connectguru Learning and Cognitive Psychologist at Metamorphosis. Speaker, Lifestyle Management Coach , Author of SLIP™ why people don't do what they want to. Conducts workshop on SLIP™, Psychology in Business and life. Passionate about cognitive design and restructuring. View all posts by connectguru