COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass. “As soon as that kid got to the altar and barely even genuflected, I knew he was in way over his head. This is Sunday morning; you’ve got to be on your A-game,” said church attendee Betsy Pollana, noting that she might expect that kind of performance at a 7 p.m. Wednesday Mass, or possibly even at 5:30 on Saturday, but certainly not at the main event. “He rang the bell way too late during consecration, he had no clue how to hold a thurible, and frankly, I’m at a loss for what he thought he was doing during the communion. Sorry, but until you’ve got your routine locked down, you’ve got no business headlining Sunday.” Pollana added that if she so much as saw Mains processing down the aisle next Sunday, she’d walk straight out of the church and not come back until the 1:30 p.m. Mass.

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