Sales of ‘any old shit’ expected to treble as men start Christmas shopping

The purchase of gifts using no thought or imagination is expected to increase significantly as High Street retailers brace themselves for a stampede of panicked men who have suddenly realised it’s Christmas.

Exasperated men staring blankly at kitchen appliances are a common sight at this time of year and with figures suggesting that 80% of men leave their Christmas shopping until the very last minute, retailers are predicting bumper sales of all the crap they can’t normally shift.

“Checkout queues at this time of year are predominantly made up of men carrying an array of monstrosities that are likely to leave their wives or girlfriends massively disappointed,” revealed Stephen Robertson of the British Retail Consortium.

“Retailers will be hoping that a combination of heavy discounts on things they can’t normally sell and absolute desperation on the part of male shoppers could lead to a late surge in sales that will surpass previous years.

“Piling up all the items that seem to make women angry, and placing them in a section called ‘Gifts She’ll Love’ is proving to be a hugely successful marketing strategy,” he added.

32-year-old Gavin Henderson was one of millions of men heading towards the High Street to buy lots of absolutely anything that’s still left on the shelves.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he told us.

“Which of these do you think she’ll prefer – The Bumper Book of Chuck Norris Facts, a Tyson Fury calendar or Jeremy Clarkson Catapults a Nissan Micra Into a Quarry 4?

“Sod it! It’s Christmas. I’ll get her all three.”