CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space. “You don’t get to see the ball’s cover fly off while it rockets out of the atmosphere and becomes a distant twinkle in space—are you kidding me?” said spectator Jake Vaughn, 37, adding that the pitiful excuse for a scoreboard graphic simply shows a large, slowly rotating baseball imprinted with the Cleveland Indians logo as the phrase “Home Run!” appears surrounded by exploding fireworks. “First of all, the ball doesn’t even have eyes or a mouth, but it wouldn’t even matter unless it was terrified and screaming next to a speech bubble that says ‘So long!’ or ‘It’s outta here!’ I mean, c’mon, this is supposed to be the fucking big leagues.” Fans noted, however, that the Jumbotron’s only saving grace is its strikeout animation, which does indeed show the ball catching fire and burning a hole through the catcher’s mitt.

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