Health minister Ghulam Nabi Azaad, who recently had to eat his own words and clarify that he is not really against homosexuality, decided to go in for an image makeover for his own good.

A leading image consultant of India was hired by Azaad’s camp for this purpose. He wasted no time in getting on with the assignment given.

“Sir, first things first — you must change your official name. I mean, your first name ‘Ghulam’ means a slave, while your last name is ‘Azaad’, which means free. So, that’s a huge contradiction, you see. Let’s get a nice numerologist to get you a nice new name,’’ said the image consultant.

But, Azaad was in no mood to change his name. “Look here Mr IC (image consultant), all my friends, well-wishers and political rivals know me by this name for decades. I am quite happy with it too. You just help me become popular among heterosexuals, bisexuals, homosexuals, and perhaps asexuals, if they also exist these days,’’ countered the health minister.

Mr IC was therefore left with no choice but to carry on with further advice. “Ok sir, if not your name, may be you can at least change your mobile caller tune. I’d suggest that famous song from the 1970 Manoj Kumar starrer ‘Pehchaan’ — Bas yehi apraadh main har baar karta hoon, aadmi hoon aadmi se pyaar karta hoon,’’ he suggested.

The song would instantly clarify, added the IC, that Azaad loves the entire humanity as such, including men; and so he is not a homo-hater.

“Hmm, I’ve heard that song before… and I simply can’t understand how Manoj Kumar could so smoothly lip-sync such nonsensical lyrics. He has been romancing all those lovely leading ladies onscreen, and then he comes up with this ‘aadmi loving aadmi’! This is an even bigger contradiction than my official name, ha ha!!’’ Azaad started laughing at his own quip.

“Sir sir, let’s not deviate from the main task at hand,’’ cautioned his IC, reminding him what he was there for.

“I think this ‘aadmi loving aadmi’ stuff is perfect for today’s era, especially after your recent boo-boo on TV news channels. In fact, if you really want to become popular among the queer set, dole out a few health sops as the health minister,’’ said the consultant.

“Hmm okay, I could always promote the use of condoms for safe sex,’’ Azaad replied wisely this time.

“Excellent sir, now you’re talking! And perhaps we can have some catchy phrases to go along with it. Like, ‘Love One Or More, To Each His Own’. It will really do some damage control, and help the image,’’ said the IC enthusiastically.

“Yeah right, TEHO (to each his own). But, I still will have to internalise and comprehend this ‘aadmi loving aadmi’ philosophy,’’ said the minister resignedly.

Just then his cell phone trilled; it was Rahul Gandhi calling Azaad from Mayaland, where he was undertaking a padayatra for the poor.

“Hello, Azaad uncle,’’ said Rahul energetically, “I was just talking to a peasant called Kaalu in his hut. He and his wife Malti Devi were telling me about the abysmal state of rural health centres in UP. Azaad uncle, if you really care for Kaalu please improve these hospitals.’’

“Yes yes, Rahul ji, it will be done. I care for Kaalu. In fact, I love Kaalu and all his poor UP brothers!’’ Azaad asserted.

Mr IC, who was quietly listening to this important phone conversation, smiled graciously and said: “There, Mr Ghulam, you are already Azaad of your old orthodox self. Now you can understand what Manoj Kumar actually meant when he sang that song in the film!’’