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5 There's A Black Market For Sperm In China

If you're an infertile couple that really wants to have kids, what do you do? Go to a sperm bank or something, right? Now, what if you also live in a country of 1.4 billion people that has only 11 wildly under-supplied sperm banks? What do you do then?

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That's easy: You turn to the sperm markets.

Chinese couples who want to avoid the years-long queues of the official sperm banks (which employ these hilariously high-tech porkable donation stations) sign up on online donation forums and pick from the many, many amateur yogurt-slingers. Aspiring parents can opt for either artificial insemination (a cup full of wank and a turkey baster) or actual sex. Most try artificial injection first, but some end up settling for the much more reliable direct insemination.

Donors have a good work ethic, too. The organizer of one group vowed that their members absolutely would not stop trying until there's a successful conception, and made sure to emphasize that they'll help any client, whether they're pretty or not. Truly, these are the real heroes of our story.

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None of this is "regulated," or "safe," or "accepted by a social morality" -- as officials put it -- which makes fatherhood a thorny issue. Even if the donor agrees to never contact the child, that agreement means jack to the law, and he has the same rights as any other father. Also, there's no medical screening process when you hire some guy from a forum to come over and professionally plow you (or your spouse, or both -- whatever you're into).

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So why risk it at all? Well, the official sperm banks require you to attempt insemination three times, charge you 3,200 yuan ($506) every time, and come with those absurdly long lines. Meanwhile, the going market rate for a professional black market sheet-stainer is 5,000 yuan ($790), with a waiting time of however long the cab ride is, plus five minutes and a short, awkward shower.