While abuse between family members can take many different forms, financial violence almost always coexists with other types of violence.

Financial violence can happen to wealthy people, to people living comfortably and to very poor people. It has nothing to do with how much money is available, it’s about how money is used to control someone. A study by RMIT estimated that at least 16% of women and 7% of men in Australia were aware of having experienced financial violence.

Financial violence happens in all sorts of ways, but Emma’s story is worth telling because it demonstrates how easily it can happen and how difficult it can be to recognise.

Emma* is a real estate agent. Fifteen years ago, she had a good career and a nice car, she was about to buy her first apartment. As she said herself, “I was living a really lucky life, I had no idea how lucky I was.”

When she met Andrew, the man who would become her husband, she thought he was perfect. “He was smart and funny and driven, we had so much in common and we were head over heels in love.”

After they got married Andrew took over running their finances. “It started with him saying he’d manage the bills and mortgage payments. It didn’t seem like a big deal at first. Then he told me we were running out of money and I had to stop spending so much. He put me on a budget.”

Andrew suggested they buy investment properties and told Emma he’d put them in his name to minimise taxes. “I knew it wasn’t right, but he’d get angry that I didn’t trust him. He kept telling me we would be together forever, so we didn’t have ‘his money’ and ‘my money’, it was all ‘our money’. It sounds stupid now, but I didn’t want to hurt him, and he made me feel like I thought money was more important than our marriage. So I let him do it.”

I looked shabby and kept missing appointments because I didn’t have enough petrol

Andrew became increasingly jealous. He insisted on having access to Emma’s phone and computer and started obsessively reading all her emails and messages. She stopped making friendly conversation with male colleagues and clients, and because she had no money of her own she was rarely able to see her friends and family. “It happened slowly, it’s like the frog in boiling water thing, but after a few years I was only allowed to have 50 dollars a week. I’d need more than that for petrol, but he wouldn’t let me have it. He had access to all my bank accounts and every time I got paid he’d take the money out. He told me I was no good at managing money and the only way we’d stay financially secure was if he did it all. All my savings were gone. We had the big house and the European cars, but I couldn’t buy my sister a birthday present.”

Emma went through the cycles we see so often in family violence. She tried to talk to Andrew about how difficult it was for her to manage without money. He’d get angry, accuse her of infidelity, tell her she was trying to take advantage of him, that he was just trying to make a good life for them. He would cry because her mistrust hurt him, and she would comfort and reassure him. The only resolution, however, was to allow him continued financial control over her life.

Over the next 10 years Emma’s career slowly petered out. “People thought I was unreliable and uninterested. I looked shabby and kept missing appointments because I didn’t have enough petrol. The same thing happened with my friends.” A gregarious, confident, successful woman slowly became a poverty-stricken recluse who drove a BMW.

When Emma tried to leave for the first time, Andrew found her in only a few hours and tearfully begged her to come home. He said he didn’t want to live if she wasn’t with him and promised he would change. She believed him and went home with him that day. Less than a month later everything went back to the way it was before she left. This happened five times before she was finally able to leave for good.

Emma got help from her bank to stop Andrew taking money from her accounts, but she still owed tens of thousands on credit cards and loans he’d taken out in her name. A lawyer helped her get back some of the investments Andrew bought with her money, but many of them were hidden in trusts and companies that she had no legal right to access. The process was exhausting, time consuming and expensive. “I gave up in the end. I just wanted to get away from him and have a life. I couldn’t do that while we were still fighting in court and it was going to take years to sort it out. I had to stop.”

She’s now in her 40s. She’s trying to rebuild a career in real estate because it’s the only thing she knows, but it’s not easy. She’s still scared of having her name and face online or doing open for inspections and client meetings in case Andrew finds her. She’s making enough to cover rent, but she knows she doesn’t have enough superannuation for her retirement.

Despite everything she now understands about her life with Andrew, Emma still has trouble seeing it as abuse. “He wasn’t ever violent,” she said. “I mean, he never laid a hand on me. He never even threatened it. He wasn’t a violent man.”

Violence is not just physical assault. Violence is about power. That Andrew didn’t hit Emma does not mean he wasn’t violent, it just means he used financial and emotional violence to exert power over her. The result was the same. Emma was frightened, isolated, trapped in a relationship she wanted to leave and will spend years trying to recover.

Help is available to people suffering financial violence. The royal commission into family violence recognised the dangers of economic abuse and made recommendations to address it. Banks, essential services and financial advisers are doing more to support their employees to recognise and act on the signs, and improve how they respond to debts accrued in the context of family violence. But the most important step is for the victim themselves to understand it as abuse.

Warning signs of financial violence:

Difficulty having access to bills and bank accounts

Not being allowed to know details of family finances

Having your partner refuse to contribute financially to household expenses

Feeling afraid of spending money on necessary items like groceries or daily school expenses for children

Being forbidden to do paid work

Restrictions on travel, cars, phones etc that are necessary for paid work

Being forced to do paid work and not having access to wages

Being forced to apply for loans or credit cards you do not want

Not being able to participate in financial decisions that directly affect you

Threats of financial retribution for leaving a relationships

Denying a fair property settlement

Being denied access to welfare or government benefits

Being forced to apply for welfare or government benefits you do not want

• If you or someone you know is experiencing violence and need help or support with domestic or sexual violence please contact 1800 RESPECT. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732. Wire provides free generalist information, support and referral service run by women for women, including specific information on financial abuse on 1300 134 130. In the UK, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 and the domestic violence helpline is on 0808 2000 247. In the US, the domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.



*Names have been changed

• Fiona McCormack is the CEO of Domestic Violence Victoria

• Comments are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion is about topics that have been addressed in this article