Pardon My Vagina(s?)

Phone Rings

Nurse: “Test results are in.”

Cookie Monster: PANIC! PANIC!

Me: Hush, now, inner voice. Don’t you want to know why you’ve been bleeding like a slaughtered pig since you became a woman at age 11? Even if the news is bad?

Me: “Yes, can you tell me what’s wrong over the phone?”

Nurse: It appears that you have a sept{phone cracks} uterus. You’re going to {phone cracks] doctor {phone cracks} problem.“

Cookie Monster: WHAT SHE SAY? SEPTIC? LIKE POISON POO TANK? WE DYING! WE DYING!

Me: Dammit! What if my man-whore ex-boyfriend gave me something? I should have double-bagged it!

Me: "I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you. I have a septic vagina?”

Nurse: “No, NOT septic! Septate. Possible bicornuate. Basically, it means you have two.”

Me: “I have two vaginas?!” ::checks:: “I only see one.”

Nurse: “No, it just looks like the uterus. Maybe you had better come in. Just in case you want to talk about your options.”

Me: “Uh…uh…Lemme call you back.”

Cookie Monster: LOOK UP ALL OF THE WEB MDS!

::eight hours later::

Me: Ok, it appears that a septate uterus is composed of two “horns” separated by a septum. It is undetectable in many cases without an ultrasound. In humans, a bicornuate or “heart-shaped” uterus is a type of uterine malformation, but in some other mammalian species, including rodents and pigs, it is normal.

Cookie Monster: ::gasp:: We a pig-rat!

Me: Google image search! Google Image Search!

Cookie Monster HORRORS! Our inner private parts looks like Satan! REPENT! REPENT! And close dat Google Image! BARF BARF BARF!



Me: Uht, oh. This anomaly is associated with the highest rate of pregnancy loss of the Müllerian duct anomalies (90%).

Cookie Monster: No babies?

Me: No babies.

Cookie Monster: Hmm. Me not know how to feel.

Me: Well. I was always childless by choice because of world-wide overpopulation, family history of mental illness, and lack of traditieonal family & work structure. So obviously people called me a selfish career woman.

Cookie Monster: Ya, ya, we horrible monster, worthy of judgement, yadda yadda. Me know dah drill.



Me: But now…that I actually can’t physically have a baby, I’m kind of relieved. Nature agrees with me and has thrown my ass out of the gene pool. And people will finally get of my back about my “wasted” uterus.



Cookie Monster: But what if people make ‘sad eyes’ at us? No want dat.

Me: No. I’ll just tell them to save their prayers for people that deserve them; for people that are TRYING to be parents. I’m just a freak. Probably because I’m from New Jersey. I can’t imagine what it would be like to want a child get the news of having a heart-shaped uterus that could never nurture a baby. The horrible irony…

Cookie Monster: Ya ya. But for us, dis good opportunity for Nirvana “Heart-Shaped Box” joke.

Me: Oh, that’s sick. And kinda good. I’ll right that down for a future script.

Cookie Monster: We bad person for making art and comedy out of tragic things? Or we crazy like rest of family and using humor as coping mechanism?

Me: Hey, what’s funnier? Heart-shaped uterus filled with malice? Or Satan-shaped uterus filled with bees?

Cookie Monster: Bees. Bees always funny.

