When dating, learn to let go while maintaining your standards

I’m certain your elders warned you not to expect anything from anyone because you’d get let down. We may not have quite understood that logic when we first heard it, but as we grew, our experiences led us to comprehending the reason why.

Older and wiser, we know better than to build up our expectations, so why is it so hard to eradicate them from our dating lives or relationships?

Why do we expect so much from our significant others or potential suitors? They’re only human, yet we find ourselves in the same boat. Sometimes our expectations are so heavy they cause us to sink. So how does one get their needs met without presuming that their partner will or should fulfill them?

Here’s the thing. It’s not wrong to have desires, needs and requirements, and there’s definitely nothing wrong with wanting your love interest or partner to fulfill those needs. But when it becomes a demand or obligation, the vibe gets killed.

There’s a fine line between expectations and standards. When you date, adhering to your standards and needs is essential; creating expectations, however, is not.

If you’re in a relationship, you hold one another accountable for certain roles, which is understandable, but instead of losing it when your partner doesn’t do something you expect them to do, remember they aren’t perfect. Handle the situation by reminding them instead of getting bent out of shape. If something becomes a pattern, clearly a more serious conversation is in your cards.

When dating someone with a goal of securing a relationship, it’s hard not to have expectations. He or she should make plans in advance, check in with you, put in consistent effort, maybe hold doors open, tell you they like you, pay the bill, show you affection and want a relationship or a family just as much as you do.

If they are serious about you or a relationship they should behave a certain way. These are all expectations. You’re assuming if they aren’t doing this or saying that you aren’t on the same page, they don’t like you enough or can’t give you what you want.

What if you tried removing that assumption?

Simply allow things to unfold naturally. Create a completely free and uninhibited flow of energy, all the while sticking to your moral compass. It’s not easy to release your expectations and figure out how to create this balance, but once you do, your love life and relationship might just take a turn, getting you where you want to be, without even having to ask for it.

Remember when you were younger and you didn’t have a care in the world. Marriage and babies and a “real job” weren’t of much concern and you weren’t bombarded by so much pressure.

You met people you liked and just hung out with them because you felt like it. You wanted to be around each other and as you got to know one another, things progressed, and suddenly, you were in a relationship.

What if we were to approach dating as adults with that same mindset? Just go with it, do whatever you feel like with no rules or over thinking. Sleep with someone when you are comfortable enough. When it feels right and you believe your intentions are aligned.

Find things out about them as you go along, as they come out organically in conversation. Build a connection with them instead of forcing it or planning your actions or decisions based on a timeline.

Place no limitations on the growth of your relationship or what may happen according to your eagerness. Keep your expectations at bay by tranquilizing your anticipation and replacing hope with joy. Mind blown?

Imagine you are 20 again, but you’re tougher, smarter and confident. You know who you are and what you want. You will enjoy your time with someone and be willing to see where it goes until feeling it’s not going anywhere or you reach a point where you’re no longer enjoying it.

This is where your standards come in. You see, we can rid ourselves of expectations and a rulebook, but what we should never do is sacrifice or compromise our self respect, needs or values. If a relationship is a one-sided effort, if they aren’t showing up for you or bringing to the table what you can’t be without, and they’re unwilling to change, that’s when you know it’s over.

On to the next, without hesitation.

Julia Bekker is a Connecticut native and professional matchmaker helping singles and couples find and maintain love at huntingmaven.com