Relationship diaries: ‘Being in coronavirus lockdown has made me realise I live with an abuser’ John says he ignored some red flags early on in his relationship and now isolation has become ‘a pressure cooker’

As part of a new series called Relationship diaries, i is sharing people’s stories about connections and issues that matter – from family to friends to dating, marriage and divorce, and all the ups and downs involved.

The Government’s instructions for people to stay at home to control the spread of coronavirus is feared to cause a rise in domestic violence cases. While some support organisations have closed their centres, others are keen to get the message out that their services are still running, such as Refuge.

John*, who is in his 30s, tells Claudia Tanner that he suspected his partner of just over a year was abusive and being isolated with her at home has now confirmed it for him.

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I can remember the first time Alex* got angry at me. We’d been together a few months and I was really shocked at the way she turned on me.

I’d promised her I would do something for her – I don’t want to go into details as I’m afraid it may identify me – and I got distracted by something and then it was too late to do that thing for her. She went ballistic at me and threw a TV remote control at me that just missed my head. Admittedly I’d let her down, but it was a small-scale misdemeanor. She seemed really sorry and blamed work stress as well her hormones. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

But a few more similar incidences happened in our first year together. I was never physically hurt but Alex’s emotional outbursts were extreme and upsetting – I felt afraid she could hit me. She’d scream and smash glasses or objects. She was always very apologetic afterwards and vowed she would change and I always believed her.

I knew earlier on that something didn’t feel right with Alex and I did see the red flags. Looking back, the first was that she’d frequently be dismissive of my opinion, and it would hurt when she’d laugh at me. But I’d ignored the signs.

Firstly, I’d fallen in love with her, and you can easily convince yourself that no-one’s perfect and you must love them warts and all. Also, we were super affectionate and we had such fun and great sex that I would dismiss the bad and think it was worth it overall because of the good things.

Lockdown is a ‘nightmare’

‘I broke down in the shower and cried as silently as I could so that she didn’t hear me in case I upset her further’

So I dismissed my doubting voices and Alex and I moved in together late last year. Now, being forced to isolate just the two of us under one roof has been really intense.

These are challenging times for everyone…. it’s natural to be anxious about this virus and you’re cooped up in the same four walls unable to socialise or do anything. There is the additional problem for us that Alex is self-employed and has lost her income.

It’s been like a pressure cooker: Alex has been having melt downs every few days and taking it out on me. She’s angered by the smallest thing: if I don’t get the food she asked for or I’ve not kept the house immaculate she will scream, slam doors and throw plates. She hasn’t actually hit me although she’s threatened to several times.

I know things are tough for her and she’s struggling with feeling a loss of control. I keep focussing on trying to make things better for her but no matter what I do she finds fault. The other day she told me off for eating too loudly. She makes me feel worthless and useless. I try to stay quiet and not answer back but that often enrages her more.

Lockdown has made me realise that I’m in an abusive relationship. Yesterday I broke down in the shower and cried as silently as I could so that she didn’t hear me in case I upset her further. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells.

I’ve begged her to stop and she is no longer apologetic. The narrative has changed and she says I’m making her like this. It’s clear she feels entitled to use me as her emotional punching bag. With just the two of us and no outside I’m now seeing her true colours.

The worst thing is the feeling that I’m in an enclosed space with someone who I don’t feel safe with – who I love and long to feel secure with – and there’s no escape. It’s a living nightmare.

Read more: Domestic abuse victims advised to set up safe zones in their own homes during UK coronavirus lockdown

Tried to ‘fix’ her

I’ve also had a lot of time for self-reflection. I’ve seen Alex as the victim and felt really sorry for her. She’d had a difficult childhood and I figured she lacked emotional regulation, that is the skills to control her behavior and reactions to things. She struggles with difficult feelings, such as disappointment and frustration at things not going to plan.

That I let so much slide has made me take a look at myself. I don’t think I’m codependent. But I am an empath – able to sense what people around them are thinking and feeling – and I have definitely got too wrapped up in trying to “fix” Alex and I haven’t looked out for myself. I’m also a little too idealistic and just want to fall in love and for it to work out.

I’ve debated how aware she is about what she’s doing. I’d like to think she doesn’t mean to hurt me. But I’ve realised it’s irrelevant, her behaviour is abusive and that’s not ok.

I’m going to leave when I can

‘It’s isolating enough to be in an abusive relationship but right now I feel extra alone as there are actual barriers to escaping my tormentor’

I feel up against in on many level. Firstly, talking about abuse can be a difficult for anyone. It can be painful and confusing and make you feel ashamed and inadequate.

Most domestic violence is directed at women, but men can be victims too. So secondly, it can be challenging for men to speak out as we feel we should be tough and macho. You also worry about people believing you.

And thirdly, it’s isolating enough to be in an abusive relationship but right now I feel extra alone as there are actual barriers to escaping my tormentor.

I’ve decided I need to leave for my safety and sanity. It all feels so difficult right now while we’re on lockdown… who is doing rental viewings? I also feel I can’t leave her while she has no income.

The only thing keeping me going is my daily walk. Outside I feel some peace and escape from the misery. It’s my alone time where I recentre and envisage a future where I’m happy and feel safe. My video chats with my family is some light relief but it also makes me feel uneasy because I’m hiding what’s really going on.

Freedom is about so much more than just being able to go to the pub or on holiday. Every person has the right to live a life free from abuse.

* All names have been changed.

If you are worried about a loved one, or about isolating with a perpetrator, women can call Refuge’s helpline on 0808 2000 247 or fill in the contact form here. For male victims, there is ManKind (01823 334244) and Respect (0808 8010327).

Do you have a real life story? Email claudia.tanner@inews.co.uk.