I have a confession. I don’t make a habit of insert foreign objects into various orifices but then again, I don’t do crystal meth. Deadpan does make a year-end habit of compiling a list from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Take a look and see what YOU think is the most bizarre. I’d have to say the potpourri in the ear, the snorkel in someone’s vagina, and the life-of-the-party dude who was

“entertaining guests by inserting the wooden leg of a chair into his rectum.”

But there are many others to choose from. Here’s the list of objects, sorted by orifice, working south.

E A R

* SAFETY RAZOR

* MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”

* FINGER RING

* PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL

* “PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”

* TOY CELL PHONE

* “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”

* SEASHELL

* BEAN

* PIECE OF STRING

* “PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”

* PIECE OF SOAP

* RUBBER BAND

* “LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”

* FISH HOOK

* “SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”

* TOY STICKY HAND

* POTPOURRI

* PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT

* “HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”

* GRASS

* GASOLINE

* ROSARY BEAD

* KNITTING NEEDLE

* “PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”

* LEGO

* PIECE OF CHOPSTICK

* “12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”

* PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE

* A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

N O S E

* TIN FOIL

* ORANGE POM-POM

* CANDLE WAX

* “WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

* HAIR TIE

* DOLL’S SHOE

* HALLOWEEN DECORATION

* “WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”

* PILLOW STUFFING

* SPONGE

* SCREW

* TOY CAR WHEEL

* PEANUT

* “WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”

* MOLDING CLAY

* PEBBLE

* CHAPSTICK

* STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER

* WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

T H R O A T

* BROOM

* MARSHMALLOW

* LIGHTER

* “WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”

* GOLD TOOTH

* CONFETTI

* “A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”

* TAPE

* PERFUME BOTTLE CAP

* CANDY WRAPPER

* “PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”

* “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”

* PIECE OF A CD

* PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE

* KEY CHAIN

* BALLOON OF MARIJUANA

* “ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”

* PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS

* WIG

* TOILET PAPER HOLDER

* 2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,

* BULLET

* “DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE. BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

P E N I S

* HALF A PENCIL

* PENCIL ERASER

* PEN CAP

* PEN

* MARBLE

* COAT HANGER

* “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH

ON CRYSTAL METH”

* PLASTIC TUBING

* SCREWDRIVER

* MAGNETS

V A G I N A

* MAKEUP BRUSH

* FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS

* CELL PHONE

* HUSBAND’S PENIS RING

* PERFUME BOTTLE

* TWO TAMPONS

* TOY PLASTIC SPOON

* MAKEUP SPONGE

* GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”

A JINGLE BELL

* PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER

* WET WASHCLOTH

* EARRINGS

* VIAL OF FENTANYL

* TOY TEAPOT

* SNORKEL

R E C T U M

* “THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”

* TOY BABY BOTTLE

* GLASS BOTTLE

* “THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”

* “CRAYONS AND COINS”

* DICE

* HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER

* TOILET BRUSH

* “7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT * PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”

* SALT SHAKER

* SMALL TOY

* LARGE TOY

* PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY

* “CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”

* SCREWDRIVER

* WATER GUN

* BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG

* BOBBY PIN

* LARGE ELASTIC STRING

* “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”

* MARKER IN A GLOVE

* “HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”

* FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN

* SHAMPOO BOTTLE

* CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE

* HOMEMADE DILDO

* TOY SHARK

* “WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”

* EGG

It goes without saying, don’t try ANY of this foolishness in the coming year, unless of course you like making the list for 2016…

(via Deadspin)