Scattered Mental Health Talk

I have heard a lot of talk about mental illness lately and of course it is the one thing I know about because every day of my life I live it and it doesn’t escape. Even though I have seen better days with proper medication and the dosage, there are still things that affect me. People will dismiss others’ mental illness, and maybe there are certain public figures using it as a cop out, but being an entertainer in general, you would have to be mentally ill to some extent, and a lot of you don’t even realize it or won’t admit it because you use it to set a limited narrative of what mental illness is about. You can put all the public speaking and promote all these pretentious ads about it all you want, but if you don’t address the main force of what makes people mentally ill, we are never going to solve it.

When people say you can’t just say racist things as a mentally ill person, mental illness is so bad that of course it makes people ignorant, and because of the propaganda they have bought into because they think the other stuff they hate is the pretentious propaganda, and the liberals do themselves no favors with the limited way things are presented, while completely shitting on the progressives who are labeled “purists” because they aren’t happy with the way things are run, the right wing have taken advantage of that, and a lot of people who feel things are too PC because it is made to seem the voices dominating in a limited capacity makes it seem like they are the fascists for silencing people, even though real progressives are being silenced by “both sides”. Now someone like Roseanne and Kanye West started off saying some real shit, and even though they have changed their tune, and used mental illness as a cop out for their actions etc, maybe in this instance it is, but when Roseanne was speaking about MK Ultra, more about 9/11 and how Israel has become a fascist state, then suddenly a couple of years later she is now become a more right wing conspiracy theorist etc. So by default she could be forced to be doing these things and because a lot of public figures are mentally ill, they are having breakdowns and because it is not the side you like, it now becomes a cop out, and I am not defending Roseanne for the racist shit she has been putting out, but a lot of mentally ill people can buy into this, and feel angry about things they are told to feel angry about. Either way Roseanne’s career is supposed to be done, but this scariness of defining what mental illness is, is dangerous, because as someone who is not a powerful voice, my mental illness over the course of the years made me buy into right wing shit without realizing I was buying into it.

People are afraid of discussing the real mental illness that exists, and now because Kanye and Roseanne are supposed to be the villains in this story because, even though their base is saying it is free thought and it is the liberals that are deeming what people can think etc, it is becoming clear to me that the right wing dominates the counter culture on the internet where it has become as bad as the mainstream narrative, and whilst doing that it has made it difficult for true progressive voices that want to fucking voice out their opinion. And if you are supporting the corporate democratic voice, you are also part of the problem. So Roseanne and Kanye’s mental illness is real, but it goes deeper than what people want to talk about because there are dark forces controlling them. Maybe this is who they are now, but for those thinking this is freedom of thought, I can buy into that, that you should have freedom of thought but Kanye is not doing that, and the people using that to defend him don’t realize he is so down the rabbit hole. Maybe this is done by design but unless you call out the controllers in this world, nothing will change. Trump might be the representative of what that is, but he is not the entire cause. It is now become a lot more transparent.

So when people dismiss someone saying ignorant shit as it being a cop out of what mental illness is, you are not being honest with yourselves because you can only pretend to care. I have spoken out for a long time, so much so you guys don’t care about my mental illness and I am glad I have been transparent with it the last decade because you could see the evolution of my thinking and how much it got extreme with the right wing shit when I felt Obama lied about killing Bin Laden, and then because right wing pundits were the only one calling it out, while the “left” celebrated like it was the greatest thing, it made me go down that path of not buying anything they said and because it seemed the right wing were the ones speaking out, and it seemed like it was the early stages to plant the seeds to Trump. Give a “liberal” representation that would be mainly corporate, to give the right wing type a voice of feeling like they were victims. Now I bought into all these conspiracies and I still buy into them, so much so that I can see how the right wing has taken over the movement and now if you are a conspiracy thinker, you get lumped in with Alex Jones. It was done on purpose.

Do I think Roseanne and Kanye are supposed to be representing the evil side, while the counter culture thinks they are speaking out against the culture today and the rest of the “liberal media” and while the mainstream to an extent either has corporate interests to appease, but also the limit the narrative of the good things you should stand up for, so now the independent circuit calls it out, whether it is for the purpose of good, or whether it is dark web personalities that are doing it for more regressive thinking while labeling anyone who shows compassion a fragile snowflake. It is disturbing. In my opinion, because anything I presume I have no facts 100 percent, but with my critical thinking there are good sides and bad sides, but it will always be limited. These people could be mentally ill, but their mind state they are in, is serving what is supposed to be the evil side. And maybe it is my mental illness, but I have been in several different mind frames, whether it was immaturity, ignorance, contrarian tendencies, irrational anger, I have allowed my mental illness buy into stuff that I thought I was thinking on my own, and had to continue to dissect the multi dimensional chess being played, while we struggle to play the regular chess. We are checkers player at best, maybe not most of you who are in on the secret, but sometimes I think I am. Whenever I try to get on their level to see how this could potentially play out, my mind has gone insane and it has gone to dark places I never wish to go, and then when there are people and shows out there that I presume will keep fucking with me under the surface, and then capitalize on my paranoia and anger to get riled up.

I could try to get off social media, but because I think they are trying to lessen my voice, whether it is going on other people’s podcasts, or even doing my own videos that get reported so I could have a limited platform, and kill any maximum viewership and when there are several thousand that show up, they start banning my videos, and when I do them more and more, the numbers get less. It wouldn’t bother me so much about if this was genuine, but the theory that they amplify it up and down when they want to. It is kind of disturbing. They show up and write rumors about me, try to paint it like I am some violent irrational, whether it is spreading rumors I beat up a gay couple at a restaurant, or photo shop a gun in my hand to make it seem like I have weapons. I don’t and I don’t plan on it. They will try to find as much personal information on me to put out there. They will hack my credit cards, or they will make their presence be known that they have access to my computers and smart phones. They will play random playlists, or like certain tweets and then hide those likes. It is weird. I keep reporting this and putting it out there on social media, which some people will argue is a dumb idea, but if something does happen to me, at least there is a history of tweets, face book posts, blogs, videos etc out there, and even if this is just the rambling of a mad man, then at least you have some idea how deep the mental illness is, and this is what most mentally ill people think with these constant insecurities and paranoia that exists. I will show you the ugly side of this shit, because it is what defines me unfortunately. I have had no excitement in my life and because I became excluded and secluded from everyone, I have had regrets and then wonder if it is even worth it because I am always going to be a broken person, and I might never get my confidence back, or whatever I had when I at least could leave my house, without fear that hired people are going to fuck with me. I am afraid to even approach women because I don’t want them to be targets, or maybe they are associates from the system, and might fuck me over. I don’t want to put my mental illness, as much as I want to have sex. I get scared of diseases, or the fact that I am not equipped enough. I am afraid they will get bored of me after a while. Then I go into panic mode that this is what my mind will be like forever, and I will be very old sooner than I realize, why can’t I just be put out my misery?

So when I see people being ridiculed or fucked with, I wonder how much control they have, because whether you want to believe it or not, a lot secrecy exists and people are programmed to say shit or turn to villains when the system needs them to. There is representation of good, but even that is limited, from what I can pick up. I don’t know if I am right. I don’t know if I have what it takes to make something out of my life, and do the people I love have my best interests, and are people planning to turn on me. It is why I remain a loner, even if it comes down to it being mainly negative if I am by myself, but then I get accumulated anger when I hang with people, because they will take little jabs, and if I dare say anything back, they will act like I am not supposed to do that and I am supposed to be the bigger person. I can’t stand it, and the thought of people I know, going over my tweets, videos or blogs and then secretly discussing it in their group chats, it makes me wonder what kind of shit they talk about me. I hate what people have become just to fit in, and I just want out of here as soon as possible, because I am of no use. I am afraid that until something seriously happens to me, then the media will then kind of be able to investigate these theories I can’t prove. It feels like they are even put in line from ever revealing some horrible truths about what powerful people do and how they possibly organize some type of harassment towards others and drive them to suicide, even by blatantly telling people their goal is for me to do that. It just shows people can get away with it because it is under the guise of “entertainment” and then because these unknown variables are not to the knowledge of the general public, it just seems people are being whiny and are weak not being able to handle just random strangers busting your balls on the internet. People will always get away with this, and they know I can’t do anything because any type of response, they will spin it like I am dangerous. They will goad me into trying to threaten them or break some social media rule, so I can be censored even more. Even having other whack packer types from the show warning me that people of my ilk will be imprisoned, and it could just be a joke but what kind of sick person puts that paranoia in someone’s head. They will even sell merchandise with my image on it and I don’t know how to find out who is selling it and how to get something going for money being made for it. I would love for my brain to just drop out and I can live the rest of my days’ brain dead. I just have no enthusiasm to be here.

I have been all over the map, but I just wanted to write about this topic, even though it is basically the same blog remixed and nothing ever gets solved, especially with my fucking beaten down attitude because I don’t know what these people will do to me, and it seems like they will keep crossing the lines and trying to fuck with me more. These people will never be punished for it. I just already imagine something happening and then when people in the media can profit off telling the story nonstop or something, it will make me even more pissed off and it shows me that these things only happen when they are approved to write about something. I will try to stay off social media, but even in my own house they have me monitored with advanced technology. That could be in my head, and that is just probably my severe mental illness acting up and you can just use it to dismiss my entire existence while getting your kicks off being fucked with online, and because people don’t know that there organized factions doing this with the intent to drive people nuts, people just think people are being soft and that they aren’t tough etc. It is fucked up. It has become the cool and counter culture argument to use and because people want to appease the cynical type, because that has always been the cool perspective, to be negative, they go with that because they fail to realize there is limited representation in the mainstream for something that can be seen as good.