ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australia’s 25th Prime Minister confessed to reporters this morning during a morning walk near Sydney’s hellish harbour fringe that he was on the sauce when he and his government decided to illegally invade Iraq in 2003.

John Howard sighed in shame as he recounted the evening he and a number of senior Liberals, went down the pub after work one cold Canberra day in 2003 and woke up the next morning with a thumping migraine and seven missed calls from Alexander Downer.

“D-Lock [Alexander Downer] got kicked out of the Kingston Hotel for dropping his to his ankles and urinating in front of a number of diners that night,” he said.

“He kept ringing us from out the front instead of heading home like a normal person. Anyway, that night, me and the other boys in my Cabinet crammed ourselves into one of the disabled toilets at the Kingo,”

“We had a bit of a chat and I think it might’ve been Nello [Brendan Neslon] or maybe even Big Cock [Philip Ruddock] who suggested that we should join the Coalition of the Willing and invade Iraq. No idea why. Fuck that was a dumb idea in retrospect. God, we had so much to drink that night,”

“So don’t take anything I said that night with a grain of salt. I was on the sauce in a big way. Oh yeah, fuck! That was night Stoneface [Amanda Vanstone] projectile vomited on the dance floor. It went all down the back of John Anderson’s moleskins. You could tell he was pissed off but he pretended it wasn’t a huge deal. Fuck guys, those were the days.”

A number of reporters were left confused by what Howard said.

Even more so when the 79-year-old refused to answer any more questions and kept walking.

More to come.

