I love football, and I love the Vikings, because DUH. I also love writing about them, and interacting with other fans of the Vikings either in person or on social media. I also love hearing what other writers and fans think about the Vikings, because for the most part, it’s an objective analysis on what we tend to look at through purple colored glasses.

Then there’s Andy Benoit.

Andy is a national writer for Sports Illustrated, and is a featured NFL columnist on the SI site Monday Morning Quarterback (MMQB). He writes and tweets about every team in the NFL...and his opinions can be just so bad that sometimes, it feels like he’s doing nothing but trolling.

Maybe he is, but I don’t think so. Because sometimes his opinions are pretty decent. Like this one, for instance:

#Vikings Notes: Matter of time until Dalvin Cook becomes featured RB. Latavius Murray not a physical enough runner. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) August 25, 2017

I think he’s right there. Not sure it hinges on the physicality of Murray so much as the fact both him and Jerick McKinnon have been hurt and Cook won the job outright because of that and his ability, but it’s a reasonable opinion.

And hey, this one is pretty good!

#Vikings Notes: WR Thielen (@athielen19) excellent on fade routes and sail routes, where he can track the ball. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) August 25, 2017

Adam Thielen is good on fade and sail routes! But some make you scratch your head:

#Vikings Notes: Bradford should be a more comfortable dropback QB this year now that LT/RT situation is fixed. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) August 25, 2017

Um...I think it’s too early to say the line is fixed. But...okay, sure, we all want it to be, so for the sake of argument, let’s say it is. If so, then Bradford should be a better pocket passer. This is just me talking, but Sam never really looks completely comfortable in the pocket. But maybe with a new line he has confidence in, he will be. Kind of a head scratcher of a take, but not like really horrible.

But usually, Andy is off the rails with his Vikings opinions. Here, take a look:

X-factor in #Vikings interior OL equation is Willie Beavers. Unknown, but a 4th-round pick in ’16. He’ll get a full look. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) June 8, 2017

The only X that factors in to Willie Beavers is marking the spot where his locker used to be once cut downs have come and gone. BUT WAIT WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Andy’s Mona Lisa of takes probably happened back in June, when he penned these liquid steel hot fire opinions on the Vikings QB situation:

No surprise at all that Bridgewater’s future with #Vikings so doubtful. Apparent almost immediately last yr that Bradford better. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) June 8, 2017

#Vikings will have to get Bradford situated long-term. Easy call, Bradford over Bridgewater. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) June 8, 2017

Oh. We can say an awful lot about the Vikings, but to say it’s an ‘easy call’ in taking Bradford over Bridgewater is just...not smart, especially if you believe the franchise tag number of $28.5 million for Bradford should the Vikings decide they want to keep him around for an extra year without signing a big extension. And to top things off, Andy thought defensive end was a high priority for the Vikings heading in to the draft:

Would expect #Vikings draft DE somewhere in Rounds 2-4. Need someone to soon replace Robison on early downs. Datone Jones 50/50 proposition — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) April 11, 2017

Datone Jones is playing defensive tackle, and has he not heard of Danielle Hunter? Seriously?

But this one...THIS TWEET RIGHT HERE...is his Magnum Opus of Vikings commentary:

#Vikings notes: Skeptical about Loadholt. Tough injury to come back from given his skills and style of play. — Andy Benoit (@Andy_Benoit) August 5, 2016

I was skeptical as well, since Loadholt had retired some 11 days prior to this tweet. Damn near impossible to come back once you hang it up.

Wait.

So yeah, I think Andy isn’t so much a purveyor of hot takes as he is a card player.

Wait, card player, Ted? Is...is that what you said?

Yes, yes it is. You ever played the game Cards Against Humanity? It’s basically two decks of cards that is a situation and an action, and when they’re mashed together it becomes nonsensical and funny.

Like Andy Benoit’s takes, for example. I’ve created a set of ‘Andy’s Takes Against Football Humanity’ cards, so let’s play a few hands and see how hot we can get our takes.

/shuffles first deck

/shuffles second deck

/flips card

Tashawn Bower

/flips card

might be the best ‘hands’ receiver on the Vikings roster.

OOOOOH, that was pretty good. Let’s try another one.

/flips card

The best pass rushing linebacker on the Vikings roster is

/flips card

Moritz Bohringer

Solid take. Let’s keep going

/flips card

I would eat a package of teriyaki flavored zombie dick jerky before

/flips card

I let T.J. Clemmings see the field in any meaningful game action.

Oh, this is a pretty good one, actually. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn. Let’s try a couple more:

/flips card

Adrian Peterson

/flips card

will lead the Vikings in rushing and receiving in 2017.

THERE WE GO. Okay, one more and then we’re done.

/flips card

Skol

/flips card

Jaguars

And now you can play along too!

Hi kids! Eric here. Ted and I were discussing the randomness of Benoit’s Vikings takes right after he got the “Cards Against Humanity” idea. I joked that a random generator could probably come up with better ideas about Vikings players.

But then I thought, “No seriously, there really should be Vikings take generator.”

And then I thought, “I have a Computer Science degree. I bet I could make one.”

Two hours later, by the power of some rudimentary web development skills that I haven’t put to use in a dozen years and a few Google searches about JavaScript, I present to you:

The concept is simple: Click the link above to generate a random take about a Vikings player. I have test-driven the generator about 50 times now, with some pretty entertaining results. There are some that you could swear were ripped right from one of Mr. Benoit’s tweets. There are some that make no sense at all. There are some that might actually be a little too accurate.

(I know the implementation is pretty clunky; the link opens a pop-up with the take and opens a new tab every time. You must also have JavaScript enabled to use it. But hey, you get what you pay for, right?)

Click away and share some of your favorite results with us in the comments. Enjoy!

Have a good weekend, kids. We hope it’s better than Andy Benoit’s Viking takes.