(Picture: Anete Lusina)

Telling someone you’ve just started dating that you suffer with a mental illness can be terrifying.

It is an incredibly brave thing to do and no matter when you decide to share this part of yourself with someone else, you should be tremendously proud.

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We’ve written previously on what you should know before you date someone with depression, we’ve written about the reality of dating someone with depression and we’ve shared 10 things you should know if you’re dating someone who has bipolar disorder.

But how and when is the right time to drop the depression bomb?




I very recently started very casually dating someone and was having an ‘off’ day. We had plans to meet up that night but the thought of having to pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t made me want to be sick. It felt too soon and too not serious to share this kind of information.

This is obviously not a picture of us walking through the park. (Picture: Pavel Badrtdinov)

But I took a chance. Rather than confuse things with the old hokey pokey (is she in? is she out? Does she shake it all about?), I messaged Mr. Very Recent and said straight up, ‘The truth is I suffer from depression and I’m having a bad day.’

I was lucky. This guy got it straight away and appreciated that I was up front. We hung out and he brought me my favorite cookie. It was a nice night.

In the past reactions have been very mixed. One guy I opened up to said, ‘Ew, gross.’

Yes, really.

I’ve come to a point now where I believe if they can’t deal that’s their problem, not mine. It doesn’t make it any less scary being so vulnerable.

Ellen has also received mixed reactions.

‘I’m never sure when to come out about having mental health issues,’ she explained.

‘It’s not that I want to keep it a secret, but it feels incredibly personal, and it’s not the kind of thing that feels like it needs to be said on the first date. I’m always worried about giving someone the power to react to it. If I don’t know them well, once they know they’ll have power to say something offensive about it, which feels risky. There’s also the genuine fear that they might just not want to date anymore once they know what I’m dealing with.’

(Picture:: Deirdre Spain for Metro.co.uk)

‘Either they won’t want to date me, or they’ll react in a bad way and I won’t want to date them, or they now know a very personal thing that makes me vulnerable. I usually try to drop it in once I’ve known the person a month or so and can trust they won’t be a dick about it. I also do tend to put out feelers by talking about mental health issues in general to see if they’re going to say anything stupid.’



It’s something we all struggle with.

Tamsin Embleton is a psychotherapist working in the NHS and in private practice in London. She shared some tips with Metro.co.uk on when and how is the best way and time to let someone you are dating know you have depression.

1.Understand your underlying motivation

‘What are the aims of the conversation for you?’ Tasmin asks.

‘What are you hoping the disclosure will lead to: a deeper understanding? Support? Improved communication? Space? This may help you to decide how to describe what you are struggling with and consider how the conversation may help you understand each other.

2. Ask yourself if you really feel comfortable

‘Being open about how you feel can be cathartic in itself, but consider where you are in your relationship and what you are comfortable in sharing. If your relationship is in its early stages, what might be too much, too soon?

‘Go at your own speed; it doesn’t need to feel like a confession and you don’t need to offer your whole life story. Consider what might leave you feeling vulnerable.’

3. Practice

‘Have a dry-run of the conversation. You could ask a trusted confidante, family member or your therapist to be your sounding board ahead of time.’

(Picture: Alex Jodoin)

4. Give your partner time to process

‘Try not to overwhelm your partner with too much information; the conversation could affect them in various ways and they may not have a ready-response.

‘Give them time to adjust and space to process what you are saying.’


5. Consider your expectations towards their response

‘Remember, they are your partner and not your therapist, it may be hard for them to comprehend what you are going through and the expectation should not be that they are then able to then provide you with advice or guidance. If they or someone close to them have struggled with mental health issues it may also stir up difficult feelings for them.’

6. Respect their response



Your partner may wish to support you, so think about what might work best for you ahead of time.

7. Remember, mental illness doesn’t define you

‘Labels like depression are an umbrella term – a word that encompasses a multiplicity of experiences which can present themselves differently from person to person.

‘What matters within the context of your relationship and your recovery is what you as an individual are struggling with. The word depression can be both vague and limiting, preventing in-depth exploration of what you as an individual are struggling with. Try not to feel defined by it. If you feel able, think about what you personally are dealing with and how this may affect your interactions or relationship with your partner.’

(Picture: Sebastian Pichler)

It’s never going to be easy, but the more we are brave enough to talk about our experiences with mental illness, the more common place these sorts of discussions will become and the more understanding people will be.

MORE: The reality of dating someone with depression

MORE: There’s now a dating app for people who wear glasses

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