MIAMI, FL—Saying the plan was the best option for mitigating the potential damage from the storm, the Coast Guard reportedly towed a decoy of Boca Raton into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on Tuesday in an attempt to lure Hurricane Irma away from land. “After evaluating all available options, we’ve determined that the most effective course of action is to tempt the hurricane away from real coastal areas with a convincing replica of the city of Boca Raton approximately 100 miles offshore,” said Coast Guard Rear Admiral Peter J. Brown, adding that the full-scale reproduction includes poorly constructed buildings for the storm to knock down, fake bridges it can sweep away in floodwaters, and power lines it can topple to plunge the manufactured city into darkness. “The fake Boca also has 96,000 mannequin residents Irma can torment as much as it likes, including several who appear to be antagonizing the storm with profane messages on plywood-covered windows.” At press time, local officials celebrated as Hurricane Irma had changed course, devastated the fake Boca Raton, and proceeded north to the Carolinas.

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