Neighborhood Kids Scatter After Baseball Accidentally Smashes Old Man Danzig’s Window

LODI, N.J. — A group of neighborhood kids scattered and hid for the rest of the afternoon yesterday after their baseball accidentally smashed “crazy old man” Glenn Danzig’s window, terrified young sources confirmed.

“We were playing out in the street when Tommy Carrigan ripped a foul ball over Mr. Danzig’s wrought iron fence and smashed his stained glass window. We all got the heck out of there, fast,” said the game’s pitcher, Jenny Randall. “Maybe Danzig doesn’t really have little girl’s skulls on his wall, but I don’t want to find out.”

Danzig is the subject of many local urban legends and rumors due to his long, stringy, jet black hair, surly demeanor, and gothic fashion sense.

“My cousin’s friend knew a girl who was at Lover’s Lane when Danzig killed her and kept her toes and teeth,” swore local fifth grader Stephen Mulholland. “I also heard that if you say, ‘Razor-blades love teenage flesh’ three times in a mirror, he shows up and commits ‘murderlation.’ Whatever that means.”

While local teens no longer believe these far-fetched stories, many of them admitted to pranking the former Misfits singer over the years, with “dunking on Old Man Danzig” now a high school tradition.

“Every Halloween, the seniors usually do something — like T.P. his house, or blast Graves-era Misfits outside until he chases us away with a broom,” said teen Jamal Warner. “For last year’s prank, kids from the computer club hacked Danzig’s Facebook page and posted about how he smokes weed, loves hot dogs, and eats his own cum. It was epic.”

For their part, most neighborhood parents have tried to dissuade their children from spreading rumors about their “kind, quiet neighbor,” to no avail.

“My son recently told me silly, schoolyard stories of Danzig eating children’s bones and having a Top 50 hit on Billboard’s Hot 100 in 1993. You know how kid’s imaginations are,” said Martha Winston, leader of the neighborhood watch. “But the truth is, Mr. Danzig is just a sweet old man who mostly keeps to himself and loves his kitty cats.”

At press time, Danzig posted an all-caps message to his neighborhood Facebook group, reading, “WHEN I FIND THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT DING DONG DITCHED ME TODAY (AND I WILL) THEY WILL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!!!!!”

Image: Ryan Flanders