Warning: A couple NSFW screenshots in this one.

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God, I barely even know where to start. Today was…

I’m not even sure of the right word for it. Eventful enough to warrant a journal entry?

A lot happened today. Some good stuff. Some amazing stuff, even… But there were a few times I wanted to cry too. And I know part of it’s because of these goddamn hormones…

But it was more than that.

Devin’s down from Falkenburg visiting his parents this weekend. I ended up totally bailing on him and Rylie last time he was in town, so Rylie basically threatened me with bodily harm if I didn’t show up to hang out today. And my appointment wasn’t til like 3:00 anyway, so I guess I couldn’t really say no.

And I was actually really, really glad I went. It’s almost easy to forget just how much I miss the two of them. Sometimes I still get butterflies when I’m with them, even after all this time. Even after everything that’s changed.

Rylie was really excited to tell us about how things are going with her band. She was gushing about some new song they’ve been working on… I loved the way she lit up when she talked about it. And my God, did she look amazing. That bass player she’s been screwing around with lately is one lucky girl.

And Dev was… Dev. He had Rylie and I in stitches with all the crazy stories about his friends at school. I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard. And Rylie kept teasing him over and over again about switching from contacts to glasses, but honestly? I think he’s hot as hell in them (and so do most of the girls around campus, from what it sounds like).

I loved catching up with them… But I guess it felt kinda weird not being able to say much about what’s going on with my life — How awful it is seeing Erik shooting up again, or how out of control my shoplifting’s getting, or how fucking terrified I am about having this baby.

But how the hell could I say any of that? I couldn’t. And besides, it would have been a huge fucking downer anyway.

That didn’t stop them from asking, of course. And dodging some of their questions was… difficult. They know me way too well. Even though we’ve kinda been drifting apart the past couple years, they could tell something was up. Just like they always do.

I came so close to caving. To telling them everything. Especially when it was time for me to go. I made up some BS excuse about having to go meet with my Papa about work… But it would have been nice to be able to tell them the truth.

Or tell ANYBODY, actually.

It was so lonely at the doctors today. But fucking amazing too.

I got to see my baby. Like, actually see it with my own eyes. I even got to hear its heartbeat… It was incredible. I felt so stupid… But I actually started crying a little.

Seeing that little gray blob on the screen and hearing that squishy-sounding heartbeat just made it feel so real. There’s this amazing little life inside me. Something I made. Something Erik and I made.

Then I realized how sad and empty it felt not having him there to share it with me. And I started crying harder.

But for a very different reason.

I wish I could tell him. And it won’t be too much longer til I’ll have to. But I’m so scared.

What if he starts panicking about how we’re gonna take care of our baby? What if it pushes him over the edge? What if he can’t handle the pressure? What if he ends up in the hospital again? Or worse…

Fuck. I don’t wanna think about it.

At least today was a good day for him. Those are getting pretty damn rare lately… And I really, really needed that. I know he did too.

When I got back home tonight, he was in such a good mood. He wasn’t laying on the couch, high and zoning out. He wasn’t moping around over another stack of job applications. Instead, he was smiling. Happy.

Erik had lit some candles and even cooked dinner… It’s been a while since he’s done anything like that. Part of me almost panicked — Had he figured out the secret without me telling him?

But then he told me his phone interview had gone really, really well that morning. And they invited him to come in for a second interview already! I’m so, so proud of him. This is the farthest he’s gotten since he started job hunting.

He said he has a really, really good feeling about this job. And he doesn’t think he would have ever made it this far without me. “I just wanted to thank you,” he told me. “For never giving up on me, even after all the shit I’ve put you through.”

Yeah, that totally got me crying again… Goddamn hormones!

Anyway, we had a nice, romantic dinner together. It was really wonderful. Things almost felt like how they were a few months ago. Back when he was still clean. It felt like everything was back to normal.

But then we got to the bedroom.

Things started out okay… But in the end, he just couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t keep it up.

He was so embarrassed, he could barely even look at me. It was awful.

And I think that’s when it kinda hit both of us. Like a goddamn freight train.

Things still aren’t normal between us, no matter how much we want them to be or how much we keep pretending.

We’re still so broken. The stress and the drugs are changing everything. They’re making us drift so far apart. And not just physically either.

It makes me so worried about what’s gonna happen to us… I mean, what if things don’t start getting better? What if he never finds a job? What if I never stop stealing? What if he never quits the drugs? What if we can’t take care of this baby?

What if we aren’t strong enough to get through this?