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Paul Kowert Weds Own Bass in Holy Matrimony

Ex-heartthrob forgoes female companionship forever

BROOKLYN — Young bassist Paul Kowert, who recently landed his dream job as a member of the popular band Punch Brothers, has just startled the bluegrass world by announcing that he is newly married.

According to his publicist, Kowert has taken a three-year-old American upright bass as his lawfully wedded spouse.

Kowert, who moved to New York City late last year, is an alumnus of the Curtis Institute of Music and the winner of SPBGMA’s Bachelor of the Year award in 2008.

Kowert’s highly unconventional marriage has both appalled traditionalists and delivered unthinkable disappointment to enormous numbers of female fans.

“He is a true Punch Brother now,” said bandmate Chris Thile.



A speculative frenzy had surrounded Kowert’s love life ever since his 2006 Carnegie Hall debut and rise to prominence as the protégé of bass virtuoso Edgar Meyer.

The wedding, which occurred in Brooklyn, NY, at 10am on Friday morning, took advantage of the state’s newer, more permissive definition of marriage.

While some critics have dismissed the union as a shameless publicity stunt, others are condemning it as an insulting violation of sacrosanct religious institutions.

“I just don’t want anyone marrying a three-year-old anything,” said bluegrass bassist Charlie Rose.

Sources close to Kowert maintain that his decision to marry was based largely on love, partly on practicality.

Kowert, accompanied by Gabe Witcher on vocals, performs the classic song “You Are My Flower”, dedicated to his bass.

“They’ve always been totally inseparable, and I’m pretty sure they were already sleeping together, too,” said Thile, whose own marriage was the only significant source of bluegrass gossip from 2001-2004.

As to the issue of how Kowert and his bass consummated their union, Kowert did not comment, but various rumors have arisen based on the presence of a mysterious second hole in the bottom of his bass.

“What’s the point of that hole, anyway? I don’t get it,”said fiddler Brittany Haas, a friend of the bride and groom.

Although many female fans, especially teenagers, now despair that Kowert is off the market forever, others have reacted with unexpected enthusiasm.

“Paul is married now? OMFG that just makes him so much hotter,” said one undeterred Boston singer.