IF THIS IS DIVORCE, WHY SHOULD ANY MAN GET MARRIED? Pt. 1

“When I think, what it would do to the twins, if I ever divorced. How it would affect them, seeing daddy on weekends? Because he would not be getting custody from me. So you gotta think about that. Remember that David, it’s not happening. How does every other weekend sound to you hon? –Nancy Grace 3/1/12 (comment is at 2:24 mark)

With that, we ask the question, “If this is divorce, why should any man get married?” For those men who have not been married, or those men in marriages which are going well, or those women reading this with scorn and skepticism, this question may seem like nothing more than a cynical blurt from a divorced man. But if you’re a divorced father, a relative or friend of a divorced father, or maybe even a spouse of a divorced father, this question will be taken without a speck of cynicism.

A crumbling partnership (we’ll use ‘partnership’ to cover both marriages, and unmarried couples which have children together) is often hell on all involved, but once that partnership is officially dissolved, the lion share of hell will go to the father of the children. The father instantly becomes an enemy of the state. Society, and thus, the laws, lawmakers, and law enforcers, will treat the father as an inanimate object; a thing; an item; a stat; anything but a person, or an equally deserving parent. Every man is instantly seen as an abuser in some way, shape, or fashion, and will be confronted with a great deal of ire every time there is a mother-of-the-child/father-of-the-child issue. All faults will lie with the father, while the mother remains faultless. Why? Because of perception.

Perception goes a long way when it comes to marital and/or childcare related issues. Women have always been portrayed as the parents who possess far more love for their children than do men. They have also been portrayed as the parents with the most parental instincts, always willing do what’s right for their children, and sacrifice whatever is necessary for the betterment of their children. The very word ‘mother’ comes drenched in high esteem, and infused with great integrity and righteousness. When the title ‘mother’ is attached to a woman, she is suddenly elevated to such heights, that she is no longer able to be criticized harshly, even when harsh criticism is warranted. Call an ex-husband a dog, people applaud you; call your ex-wife a dog, people rain fire down on you. Any condemnation of a mother is widely considered an affront to all mothers, which is quite silly when you think about it. All mothers aren’t great parent. The implication that all mothers are better parents than all fathers, is as asinine, degrading, and ultimately destructive, as the implication that all men are better employees or bosses, than all women; or that men should get paid more than women in the workplace. So, while women (with the help of most men) aggressively fight the caustic stereotypes which burden them, I hope they don’t mind if we (whether they choose to assist us in our efforts or not) fight those which burden us. In the gender-conflict arena, as it relates to families, mothers receive all the accolades, to the detriment of fathers.

So if ‘mother’ is associated with all things positive, then what tags are left over for the fathers? Selfish? Uncaring? Dishonest? Violent? Abusive? Devoid of parental instincts? For every positive motherly attribute, there is an equal and opposite fatherly attribute. However, upon divorce, many men will find the roles diametrically opposite than how they are portrayed. Many mothers will forsake the wellbeing of their children, and will blindly scorch heaven and earth in efforts to destroy the father, and, in most cases, the man can do little more than sit back and take it. The deck is stacked against him in ways unimaginable.

Upon divorcing (we’ll use divorce to cover a split between married couples, and unmarried couples with children), both parties usually sign an agreement covering basics of the split. When there are children involved, the agreement will also cover issues related to their care, wellbeing, and parental relationships. Whoever gets custody of the children (usually the mother by default) also gets a lot of responsibility. One of their main responsibilities, i.e. court orders, is to make sure the children are allowed, or encouraged, to maintain a good relationship with the other parent. But regardless of the importance of that particular order, many mothers will purposely defy it with no impediment, and little or no penalty. They will slowly, purposely, erode the relationship between a father and his children, while simultaneously claiming the father is neglecting his children, or ‘wants nothing to do with his children.” It is one of the sickest, most twisted mind games that is played on father’s everyday – restricting a fathers’ access to his children, and then telling the children that their father is not interested in seeing them. If you have never been through it, or don’t know a man who has been through it, you may fail to see its’ devastating effect on fathers and their children.On the other hand, maybe you do see it but just don’t care, because the needs, concerns, feelings, and pains of fathers, are not seen as critical or as relevant as those of mothers. Consider how often you hear the phrases, “Think about the children,” and “Think about the mother.” Or how about, “A child’s needs” or “A mothers’ needs.”? That’s common phrasing you will hear on an almost daily basis. Now try to recall the last time you heard the phrases, “Think about the father,” or “A fathers’ needs.” Your answer is probably, never. Men will find out, when it comes to divorce where children are involved, they mean very little in the equation. They will often be relegated to the status of sperm donors and cash machines, and their exes will take every opportunity to beat them back down into their rat holes whenever they rear their heads for a gasp of fresh air…or to wave their white flags. And this brings us back around to the arrogant, insulting, demeaning, Nancy Grace quote. I also left off one other adjective to describe Ms. Graces’ comment…true.

Ms. Grace can make that statement with such pomposity and vitriol, because she, like every other mother who may divorce the father of her children, knows it’s true, and is admitting she holds all the power in a divorce (and thus, a marriage). And like most women, what she may not admit is that she is capable of gross abuses of her power. A woman with power, in whatever area she reigns supreme, has no more, and certainly no less, of a penchant to abuse that power, than a man has when he possess power. The only difference is, a man’s abuse of power renders the man ‘abusive,’ while a woman’s abuse of power is accepted, and excused as just ‘a mother being a mother.’ In most circles she is actually lauded as being tough and determined. People will assume she is treating the father with such contempt because the man was abusive to her. Of course, that line of thought purposely excuses a woman’s abusive behavior.

But often, abusive behavior by the man is not the catalyst for the mothers’ actions; the actual catalyst seems to be the fathers’ lack of interested in her. If she can’t gain interest from the man naturally, she will try to commandeer it by leveraging his relationship with his children. And as a parent, there is no more despicable behavior than trying to disenfranchise the other parent, an otherwise good parent to their children (some in the medical arena have named it Parental Alienation Syndrome , but that may be just another way to excuse a mothers’ atrocious behavior. Plain and simple, it is abuse). So when Ms. Grace maliciously asks the question to her husband David Linch, “How does every other weekend sound to you hon?” In essence she is asking, how will David, a loving father who sees his children every day, take it when he is reduced to nothing more than an outsider begging and groveling to see his children for two days every two weeks, while still paying for their everyday lives, simply because, as a mother, she has the power to do so.I can’t answer that question for David, but I can speak accurately for the masses of men who endure it regularly. The post-divorce change a man must adapt to, in its most basic form, is degrading, dehumanizing, and depressing (not because of the divorce, but because everything else that’s heaped on the man after a divorce). It can be assuaged moderately by a good mother, who works with the father to help him maintain a bond, and a solid relationship, with his children; it can be exacerbated by the evil mother who cares more about herself than her children’s’ relationship with their father. So the next time you see an angry father ‘lose it,’ pause briefly to contemplate how he may have arrived at that point.

Give us your feedback. Have you, or someone you know, dealt with this situation? Are you contemplating, or in the middle of, a divorce? Do you think your ex will be the good mother or the evil one?INVISIBLE VICTIMS

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