8 February, 2016. 15:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

ALMOST THE ENTIRE POPULATION of white-capped albatrosses return each year to Disappointment Island to mate.

It’s also totally uninhabitable, save for the flightless Auckland Rail, which was once thought to be extinct. But, alas, it was rediscovered living on the isolated crag.

Famous British naturalist David Attenborough once visited the island, describing it as “a right shit hole” and a “good place to test the next atom bomb.”

You’d be forgiven for thinking the same thing about Australia, which has overtaken Disappointment Island as the world’s most disappointing island for the first time, after a number of disparaging news articles were published about our home continent in the past week.

But now it’s official.

A report sponsored by the Sydney Hotels Society (SHS) concluded that the nation’s Quality of Life Index (QOLI) dropped from 198.79 to 7.23, putting Australia on par with Ukraine and Niger.

“It’s a shocking drop. We used to be in fourth spot, now we’re at 178,” said lead researcher Laine Mortiless.

“There’s an obvious correlation between the quality of an Australian’s life and their right to stay up all night drinking and keying ketamine in a disabled toilet. It’s disappointing that the government doesn’t trust their people to do such things.”

On the inverse, the fresh hope PM Malcolm Turnbull offered to the nation has evaporated quicker than a Blackall bore drain. His government’s decision to deport asylum seeker children born in Australia back to detention in Nauru has been met with unbridled backlash. Political commentators have said Bill Shorten is equally as upset at the decision, he’s just having trouble penning his formal response.

It’s a combination of these social and political factors that’s forced the hand of the SHS and their harsh judgement of the continent.

However, the report suggests that there is a path to redemption for this absolute hell hole of a country.

“We recommend that people in Sydney should be allowed to have their cake and eat it, too. That should make things a little less painful for a while,” said Ms Mortiless.

“Also, not putting doctors in prison for reporting human rights violations and sexual abuse in our immigration processing facilities will also help Australia not be so disappointing.”