If you’ve typed the word “crypto” into Google’s omniscient search engine during the past several weeks of bitcoin market euphoria, there’s a good chance you’ve been greeted with a headline like this one:

And there’s an equally good chance that you did a quick double-take before heading over to CoinMarketCap to check the value of your portfolio for the sixth time that morning.

CDC Spreads Crypto FUD as Bitcoin Heats Up

Here’s what you might have missed: Its real name is Cryptosporidium, but the cool kids call it “crypto.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention describes crypto as a “fecal parasite,” which is sure to warm the heart of cantankerous bitcoin nemesis Nouriel Roubini.

It’s called a fecal parasite because it’s spread through human or animal feces. Crypto is most often contracted by drinking “recreational water.” Like the water in swimming pools.

According to the CDC, crypto investors victims suffer from the following symptoms: watery diarrhea, stomach cramps, dehydration, nausea, vomiting, fever, and weight loss.

Maybe the CDC’s onto something. Show me a bitcoin bagholder that didn’t exhibit at least a few of those symptoms during 2018.

So, what gives? Does some CDC scientist have a serious axe to grind with bitcoin?

Alas, that does not appear to be the case.

The CDC was using “crypto” as shorthand for Cryptosporidium at least as early as 2010, when it launched a super-duper high tech DNA fingerprinting–based system called CryptoNet to track disease outbreaks. Sure, bitcoin existed in 2010, but it wasn’t until 2011 when the term first made a blip on Google Trends.

Even more damning: In August 2008 – two months before Satoshi published the bitcoin whitepaper – the Dallas Morning News published a headline referring to the parasite as “crypto.”

That should put the matter to rest. But the great thing about conspiracy theories is that you don’t need evidence to believe them.

Feelings don’t care about your facts.

Please Don’t Tell Alphaville That ‘Crypto’ Means ‘Poop Parasite’

And while I’ve still got my tin-foil hat on, let me focus group-test a hot take on you: The CDC’s crypto FUD should be blamed for the recent bitcoin price crash.

Oh, come on, it’s not that much more ridiculous than saying Mark Zuckerbucks triggered the rally that came first.

In any case, now that crypto no longer means “cryptography,” would it be too much to ask for the CDC to cut the bitcoin community a break and find another name for Cryptosporidium?

We’ve already been through a lot. Living through Crypto Winter was difficult enough without giving Izabella Kaminska and FT Alphaville “poop parasite” as ammunition.

Where’s Craig Wright with a trademark lawsuit when you need him?