Quantity

How much sex should I have in a relationship? In my last relationship, I didn’t really have any sex for the last 4 months, but I am not sure whether that was a reason it ended, or just a symptom of other problems.

Sexual compatibility and satisfaction is very important in any sexual relationship. The quantity of sex itself isn’t. You should have as much sex as you and your partner want.

Warning: maths ahead.

Imagine the graph below shows the ideal frequency that someone would like to have sex:

Let’s assume every peak is OPTIMUM SEX CAPACITY, ALL SYSTEMS GO. About halfway is enough need for sex to enthusiastically consent, but not enough to initiate if the other partner doesn’t want to. Yes, this is a massive oversimplification of matters, but just roll with it for a bit.

Blue likes having sex every three days or so. Red likes sex about once a week.

You would think this means blue initiates twice, red may deny it once and maybe accept the second time. Blue and red will have sex about once a week.

Here’s the problem with that theory. Blue and red are not just sin(x-1)+1 and sin((x/5)+5)+1. They are human beings.

In reality, the graph will probably look like this (but with better rendering…)

:

Blue will feel he wants sex every day because he does! He asks for sex every day after the 3rd day. Red feels they want sex maybe once every two weeks because their sex drive goes down from being asked about sex every day!

My point being, it would be even less than that once a week because rejection sucks. Both for the person rejecting and the person doing the rejection. It’s normal in any relationship and obviously people with compatible sex drives will reject each other once in a while.

It will probably become a problem if you’re in a (monogamous) relationship where one person’s sex drive is higher.

The difference in sex drives itself will become both cause and effect. It is a totally valid reason to break up a sexual relationship. Whether it’s the cause or just a symptom of a break up is hard to say without knowing the rest of the story.

The amount of sex you are having is meaningless. It’s about whether the sex you are having is satisfying, both in quality and quantity, for both you and your partner.