~Gage Skidmore

Late Monday night, at Bloomberg’s Corporate New York Headquarters, Mike Bloomberg asked one of his campaign staffers, “Did those American Samoa cookies ever come in that we won last Tuesday?” After a moment of awkward silence, the staffer broke the news to him that American Samoa was actually a US-controlled Pacific territory and not his favorite Girl Scout cookie.

“You’re telling me that we didn’t win those delicious coconut, caramel and chocolate cookies? That American Samoa is a remote Pacific territory of the US?” After receiving an affirmative, a visibly shaken Mike Bloomberg turned and briskly walked out of the door.

“Fuck this shit, I didn’t know I won something! Otherwise I never would’ve dropped out.”

At the time of this article’s publishing, Michael Bloomberg has been reported to be wandering the streets of the Upper East Side, stopping any young girl wearing a green dress or brown vest.