Emmanuel Macron and Angela Merkel discuss Brexit over breakfast

FREE now and never miss the top politics stories again. SUBSCRIBE Invalid email Sign up fornow and never miss the top politics stories again. We will use your email address only for sending you newsletters. Please see our Privacy Notice for details of your data protection rights.

BARNIER: Non! These terms are completely unacceptable! MERKEL: Ja, I agree with Michel. Zis is supposed to be a working breakfast, but ’ow can we do any real work if we are only being given ein Continental breakfast? MACRON: What is wrong with une continental breakfast? Croissant, coffee, crepes, each day all of France enjoys these things before an ’ard day’s work. MERKEL: Hah! Don’t you mean und hard day’s striking, Emmanuel?

MACRON: So you would prefer a Full English Breakfast, mein fraulein? MERKEL: Less of zee fraulein, sonny Jim. I am old enough to be your Mutter. MACRON (sighing): Now you are talking my lingua franca, Angela. Did I ever tell you guys about how I met my wife... ALL: Yes! MERKEL: Anyway, ve are in agreement. I will have ze full English, with ze big fat sausage. Jean-Claude, what are you having?

JUNCKER: Just... a merlot for me. MACRON: Un petit glass? JUNCKER: Un grande bottle. BARNIER: Good, so it is agreed. We are all to do what Angela says. JUNCKER: Nothing new there, then.

MERKEL: Do you ’ave something you vish to say, Jean-Claude? MACRON: Non, non, it was the drink talking. MERKEL (mutters): Nothing new there, then. BARNIER: My friends! Let us not degenerate into petty squabbles. We must show a united European front to the United Kingdom, as we have so many times in the past.

MACRON: Like 1939? JUNCKER (hiccups): Or 1914? MERKEL: Mein Gott! For ze final time, stop raking up ancient history. Ve must look to the future, not ze past. A future without the Brits trying to dominate the Continent and bossing us all around. That is Germany’s job! BARNIER: While we wait for breakfast, let us return to today’s agenda and show the Brits that we can agree on something. What is the most important issue facing our continent? Migration? The economy? Global warming? MERKEL: Safety matches. It doesn’t take much to make them go off in your pocket.

BARNIER: OK. We agree that safety matches the UK will no longer have access to. I will add to my list. MACRON: It must be a very long list by now! BARNIER: Longer than the Bayeux Tapestry MERKEL: And almost as boring. MACRON (annoyed): And what is wrong with the Bayeux Tapestry, Mutter? MERKEL: It is badly drawn, and historically inaccurate. Or as my friend The Donald might say, Fake News. Hashtag.

MACRON: Your friend? The Donald is my friend. He told me so in Washington himself! MERKEL: Well, a mutual friend tells ME zee President is so over you. MACRON: Oh? And who is zis mutual friend? MERKEL: Let’s just call him ‘Vlad’.

MACRON: Oh? How does ‘Vlad’ know zis? MERKEL: Because Vlad told zee President what he is thinking. BARNIER: We are getting nowhere fast here. JUNCKER: What’s new? And where’s the wine? BARNIER: Apparently there is temporary shortage of wine due to French farmers blockading the transport network.

MACRON: What about my smoked kipper? BARNIER: There is shortage of kipper due to French fishermen blockading the ports. MERKEL: And ze big, fat juicy sausage? BARNIER: There is shortage of “bangeurs” due to French dockers blockading the docks. JUNCKER: Zut alors, the British must be quaking in their boots, leaving all this.

Michel Barnier jokes that 'there is a shortage of kipper due to French fishermen blockading' ports

BARNIER: I have better news about ze smoked bacon, from “bonny Scotland”. We ‘ave devoted much time and energy to building bridges with Scotland. Once zese bridges are built, ze bacon will be delivered. MERKEL: Ven do ve expect zese to be built? BARNIER: Around... 2057. MERKEL: Vot! 2057? I cannot wait!

JUNCKER: Angela does not like to be kept waiting for breakfast, Michel. BARNIER: Well, there is nothing I can do. Ze bridge will be built in 2057. At the earliest. MERKEL: Vot bridge, Michel? BARNIER: The one from Edinburgh to Hamburg. MACRON: Why so long?

BARNIER: Well, it is a long way from... MACRON: No, why will it take so long? BARNIER: Because all the British workers have now gone back home to Poland! (all laugh). BARNIER: Anyway I cannot concentrate until I have something eaten. I suggest that we forget about work for a while and our feet up put. MERKEL: Like ze French!

Claude Juncker pranks that 'the British must be quaking in their boots' leaving Europe

MACRON: Take that back, or I withdraw my labour! JUNCKER: So what’s new? BARNIER: Guys, guys. Please. We must stop zis in-fighting. Let’s forget about the agenda until we have had breakfast. MACRON: So what shall we talk about? BARNIER: Well, where did we go on holiday?

JUNCKER: I took in a vineyard or two. MERKEL: Quelle surprise! JUNCKER: Well what did you do, Angela? MERKEL: Ve vent to Greece. A little taverna by the sea. It was so nice I bought it. MACRON: The taverna? MERKEL: Greece.

BARNIER: How about you, Emmanuel? MACRON: I went with my wife. BARNIER: Where did you take her? JUNCKER: Don’t answer that! MERKEL: Ah. I see what is happening. You are making jokes. Germans like laughing.

JUNCKER: Yes, you have made Germany ze international laughing stock. MERKEL: Danke, Jean-Claude! You must visit us again soon and drink some German wine! JUNCKER: Liebfraumuck? I’d rather drink sweat from the crevice of Nigel Farage. MERKEL: Vot is wrong with German wines? MACRON: There’s just rather a lot of them. German whines, I mean. MERKEL: Soon Europe will be under control of ze Mutterland, and zen you vill ALL not be laughing. (Barnier answers knock at door).