10 Things to Know Before Moving to Seattle

1. This is very important: Seattle is situated on a Hellmouth.

2. Big Bertha is part of Mayor Ed Murray’s plan to open the Hellmouth and suck us all in. There is a band of teenagers and a librarian, led by a vampire slayer somewhere in the city working to stop him, which is why Bertha keeps breaking down.

3. Jeff Bezos is also in on this plot. He created Amazon with the goal of creating the population boom, luring unsuspecting souls to their doom. When the Hellmouth opens we will all be sucked into it.

4. The news about the Really Big One earthquake is one of the greatest blows to Murray and Bezos’ campaign of evil so far. They were hoping to keep that a secret so we would all live with a false sense of security, never suspecting a thing. The earthquake will happen, though, and you should prepare for the fury of the underworld as you have never seen before.

5. It may seem like Big Bertha is unnecessary, given that the earthquake will inevitably open the Hellmouth. While this is true, because no one knows exactly when the Really Big One will happen, and in an effort to further their own nefarious purposes, Murray and Bezos have concocted a plan to speed up the opening of the Hellmouth.

6. Gentrifying tech nerds moving to Capitol Hill, Ballard, and South Lake Union have been put under some kind of spell. Because Bill Gates refused to join the axis of evil, Bezos and Murray are trying to thwart him by positioning as many Microsoft employees as possible in the city’s most vulnerable areas.

7. The 12th Man’s coming has been prophesied for many years. We know little of him, except that he will be preceded by a Seahawk and the Legion of Boom. He has the power to tip the scale between good and evil. He is destined to prevent the apocalypse.

8. These and other prophecies can be found throughout Nirvana’s lyrics such as “Floyd the Barber” and “Hairspray Queen”. Kurt Cobain didn’t commit suicide. He was killed by a vampire, because he knew too much.

9. The Space Needle is a piece of architecture built from a magically imbued metal from an obelisk known to prevent hellmouths from opening. It’s magic is extremely strong and despite covert attempts by former mayors McGinn and Nickels, as well as Ed Murray, it continues to stand and protect the city.

10. The Fremont Troll is real (obviously).

The more you know.