This is going to be tough. Alistair Carmichael’s list of the “top 20” reasons for staying in the UK, issued today, is a document so farcical it’s actually quite hard to analyse.

It’s difficult to react to it in a rational manner, because the rational response is a torrent of angry invective at having one’s intelligence so heinously and crassly insulted. And going for the satire angle isn’t easy either, because it’s quite tricky to think of anything more ridiculous or idiotic than some of the claims the Secretary of State for Portsmouth makes. Striving as ever for balance, then, this is the best we can do.

“1. The UK pound.”

A freely-tradeable world currency that any nation on Earth can use if it wants to, without requiring permission. Not the strongest start, there. Especially as the UK government pretty much just shot any practical thought of refusing a currency union down in flames this very morning. (As we noted last night.)

“2. Financial services companies can be headquartered in Scotland.”

What? Did we miss the announcement of the Scottish Government’s plans to ban financial services companies from being headquartered in an independent Scotland? That would be a rather odd thing for them to do.

“3. Safer banks.”

See what we mean? How could you satirise a description of the UK’s banks as “safe”? It cost taxpayers not too far short of a TRILLION pounds to make sure the bankers who destroyed the British economy didn’t lose their bonuses. In terms of being “safer” that’s a pretty low bar to clear, frankly.

“4. Greater financial protection for savers and pensioners.”

Are they the same people whose savings are crumbling in value every day because of near-zero interest rates that have been trailing well behind inflation for years as a result of the bankers’ crash and UK economic policy?

“5. The UK’s £860m cyber security programme.”

“The UK’s £860m cyber security programme” (or to give it its excellent proper name, the National Cyber Security Strategy) is one that expires in 2016 anyway.

“6. Cheaper mortgages/insurance.”

What, the ones we save billions on due to the UK’s triple-A credit rating? LOL etc.

“7. More government spending per head in Scotland.”

We do get more spending per head than the UK average, by about £1200. But to pay for it we provide the Treasury with £1700 more per head in tax receipts. Basically, the UK charges us £142 for every £100 of “extra” spending it “gives” us.

For handy comparison purposes, if you borrow £100 from Wonga for the maximum loan period they allow (30 days) you’ll only have to pay them back £137.

“8. Sharing the cost of communications networks and postal service.”

The postal service you just privatised, you mean?

“9. Avoidance of business red tape.”

The UK’s 11,500-page tax code, the most complex in the world? That sort of thing?

“10. Shared risks and spread costs.”

If some idiot of a casino banker from the City turned up at your door and offered to share his risks and spread his costs with you, you’d tell him to get stuffed rather than handing him the contents of your bank account, wouldn’t you?

That’s essentially the situation with the UK and Scottish economies. Scotland is backed by real tangible things like oil and whisky. The UK is basically a giant gambling operation, massively in debt and reliant on “financial services” nobody understands and which recently crippled the entire nation, perhaps forever.

(NB: The banker won’t share his profits with you if he wins. Those are all his.)

“11. Skilled armed forces backed by huge budget.”

Yeah, about that whole “huge budget” thing. Turns out we’re so broke at the moment the Red Cross is having to bring people in Britain food parcels. In peacetime. Maybe time for some priority adjustment, hmm?

“12. International influence to make a positive difference through alliances.”

Or as it’s known abroad, “bomb and torture a load of brown people every few years and then scarper, leaving their country in murderous chaos for decades“.

“13. UK contributes to humanitarian aid globally.”

So would Scotland, just like every other nation does. Indeed, the SNP has pledged to spend a higher proportion of national income on foreign aid than the UK does.

“14. Fiscal-revenue stream is steady, not volatile.”

Cough, splutter, choke. This is what you do with a “steady” revenue stream, then?

“15. MI5, MI6 and GCHQ.”

Well, however would we get by without anyone illegally snooping on all our emails?

“16. No borders for workers.”

There would be no borders post-independence either. Phew, that was close!

“17. 200+ existing institutions.”

No! Please don’t take our Advisory Committee On Consumer Engagement away!

“18. A strong university research base and infrastructure.”

Um, which we already have and which is already independent. Unless, of course, you’re suggesting that England might bomb our universities as well as our airports.

“19. Skilled defence sector protecting/creating jobs.”

What, like the ones in Rosyth, which Gordon Brown helpfully pointed out last week has gone from employing 15,000 people to just 1000 under successive Labour and Tory Westminster governments? Or do you mean the almost 50% decrease in armed forces jobs in Scotland since 1989? (With more cuts on the way.)

“20. Devolution.”

So the best things about being in the UK are the things we’ve taken away from the UK government and now do for ourselves? Well, at least that’s one thing we can agree on.