I was really hoping I could have titled this, “I Am George Clooney” or “I Am LeBron James” (hell, I’d be satisfied if I could have labeled this, “I Am Josh Groban”) but unfortunately I can’t. I have to be honest with myself. I am Larry David. Like Larry, I am constantly vexed by how people live their lives. I too wish that everyone would behave just like me and that life would be much easier if everyone did. And just like Mr. David, I also feel like I’m always doing the right thing but apparently whatever I’m doing makes people loathe me. I have never watched an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and thought, “Goddamn! That Larry David is an annoying prick.” Rather I have simply watched on, nodding my head and thinking, “Mr. David, everything you are saying is exactly right. You are a wise, wise man.” There was one episode where Larry was out to dinner with his wife Cheryl and when it was time for dessert Cheryl suggested that they go somewhere else for it. Larry: “Why? Why can’t we just have dessert here?”

Cheryl: “Because it would be nice to go somewhere else for dessert.” Larry: “Why? Why break up dinner and dessert?” Cheryl: “It will be like a little adventure.” (pause) Larry: “I don’t see how that’s an adventure. “ EXACTLY!!!! (FYI, I remember watching this episode with my girlfriend and we got into a huge argument when I said Larry was right. As a result we have never had dessert after dinner in a restaurant.) Listening to Larry David speak about people is like listening to the voice inside my head, the only difference being that the voice in my head is shockingly whinier than Larry’s. And it’s not that we (notice how I use the familiar with Larry and myself) hate people. We love people – as long as they are acting in a way that we find acceptable. That’s fair!

The sad irony of it all is that if Larry David met me, he probably would dislike me as well. Despite our similar views I doubt that there would be any kinship between us. While I would want to bond with him about how I too can’t stand when other people don’t follow the rules, Larry would probably dismiss me as one of those “other people”. What’s worse is that acting like a Larry David without being a Larry David is even more unforgivable than if I were the original. If I was old I could have the excuse of just being crotchety. If I was Jewish I could perhaps rely on my faith and community to get me through the tough times of people hating me. And If I was rich I could tell everybody to go fuck themselves. But I’m none of these things. I’m truly shooting zero for three. I’m much worse than Larry David – I’m Larry David without the benefits or perks.