I, Joe Biden, Don’t Support Medicare for All Because My Health Care Plan Is to Restart the Opium Wars

I want universal health care access as much as anyone, but I also want solutions that the West has done before that have worked. When Barack Obama and I commanded the US naval fleet, we made sure that everybody had access to affordable drugs. That’s why today I’m unveiling my health care plan to restart the Opium Wars.

Governor-General Lin Tse-hsü has recklessly steered American freedom away from dynastic opium parlors for too long. This has left millions of Americans unable to access affordable, smokable, prescription-grade opium. This is exactly what people mean when they talk about the opioid crisis.

We need to restart our relationship with China after these disastrous Trump administration trade policies. Cracking down on WTO rules isn’t enough. I’ve negotiated with every leader in the Qing Dynasty since 1644. My plan to smuggle Indian opium into mainland China would cripple its economy with overdoses, leading to a strategic war against Imperial Commissioner Yeh Ming-ch’en for trying to block American opium smugglers. I know my plan will work because I’ve done the push-ups to prove it.

Aside from China, Medicare for All is our greatest geopolitical foe. Medicare for All would leave millions without expensive, private healthcare that only covers half of your needs sometimes. We need to get tough on China before the British Royal Navy imposes internal transit duties on the USA’s colonial presence in British Canton. To ignore our allies at this moment would ruin our blooming cooperation with Emperor Napoleon III of France.

Delivering health care as a blanket human right means American drug smugglers can’t compete in foreign markets. American opium smugglers in China must repatriate to the US markets because that is the only way that millions of Americans will have access to low-quality, and therefore low-cost, prescription heroin.

The Biden campaign wants to bring all stakeholders together to find a solution to the healthcare crisis: royal admirals, Chinese imperial administrators, smugglers, coollies, private health insurance providers, and Republicans.

As president, I want all Americans to have the right to forget the present and sink back into the imaginary past, because that’s what my administration stands for: getting people so loaded that they’ll forget they can’t afford to see a dentist.