LIZ JONES: My super-speedy Caster Quiz. It'll prove if you're REALLY a woman

Caster Semenya, who last week won a gold medal in Berlin in the 800 metres, clocking up a time three-quarters of a second faster than Kelly Holmes's career best, could face tests to prove she is a woman.



The deep voice, muscular frame and fleet feet of the 18-year-old South African athlete have provoked gossip about her true gender, and she or he now faces a battery of tests involving doctors, scientists, gynaecologists and psychologists.



This is all a bit daft, isn't it? We don't need expensive and protracted medical tests to find out whether Caster (a better name would have been Faster) is in fact not made of refined sugar and spice and all things nice, but of puppy dogs' tails.

The athlete Caster Semenya could face tests to prove she is a woman

I am going to fax the athletics authority in Germany the following simple but illuminating quiz.



When you go to a supermarket to do the weekly shop do you:



a) Walk briskly with a trolley and a list, a BlackBerry timetable and a fluorescent marker in hand, ticking things off and swooping up two-for-one offers?



b) Wander slowly and aimlessly with a basket, having lost your list. Then get hopelessly stuck by the DVD rack and finally return home with enough food for half a meal ('I thought I'd stop at the farmers' market on the way back but it isn't open on a Tuesday evening'), a film you already own, no toilet rolls, a half-eaten packet of biscuits and a car full of crumbs?



c) Refuse to go to the supermarket, saying that buying groceries online is the internet's second most important function although you are not going to order any food because 'we could just go out'?



You and your family are going on holiday abroad. Do you:



a) Pack a suitcase of new and optimistically tiny clothes using tissue paper, remember various medicines and EpiPens, plot a route to the airport and check in online, pre-book a hire car, wax every inch of your poor, overaerobicised body and interrogate closely a long list of prospective cat-sitters?



b) Pack shorts, flip-flops and sun cream, think you have locked the back door but 'can't be sure', know which country you are going to but not the exact location, remember your credit card but not your driver's licence, peer occasionally at the departures board?



c) Stand in a round-shouldered posture in the bathroom clutching an old wash-bag containing a past-its-sell-by-date toothbrush and circa-1984 rusting can of Lynx, whining in a baby voice: 'When and where are we going? Can I just check my emails first?' At the airport you suggest parking in the short-stay car park because 'it's nearer', then disappear for four hours to peruse paperbacks in WH Smith, ignoring being paged because you cannot use your ears and eyes at the same time, meaning you almost miss the flight, and at the last minute mumble: 'Did you remember my passport?' At your hotel, you drop your wash-bag on the floor and sit on a sun-lounger for two weeks, occasionally raiding the mini-bar.



The recycling boxes are collected:



a) Every other Tuesday, sorted into glass, paper, plastic and wellrinsed tins.



b) Every Wednesday. The nice men come into the kitchen to collect it and sort it all out.



c) Ummm . . ?



When it starts to get cold in the house, do you:



a) Adjust the timer so that the heating comes on half an hour before you get up and before you get home from work, having had the boiler serviced in August?



b) Shuffle around shivering and puzzled, placing a tentative hand on a radiator, before putting on a sweater and a bobble hat?



c) Go to the pub?



When you watched Cristiano Ronaldo make his Real Madrid debut, you commented:



a) When you say that is the Real Madrid end, does that mean that is where he is trying to score?



b) Do you think I should get a false tan?



c) X@*X@*X@!!!!



If you answered all As, you are, of course, a wonderful woman who deserves a gold medal.



If any of your answers were Bs, you are a strange hybrid hermaphrodite who should not be allowed to enter a women's race - or her home or bedroom - until you have passed muster in all sorts of female skills, such as wiping the milk bottle's bottom before putting it in the fridge.



If your answers included a single C, you should be flown to Switzerland and put out of your misery.



You might be faster and stronger than us, but you are as obsolete as a VHS video: in the way, useless and gathering dust.



